Appledashery

by Just Essay

Just Roll With the Punches

"Must be said!" Brucie flicked the stubby remains of his cigar into the deepest niche of the burrow and led Rainbow onward into the shadowy recesses of the earth. "Ve don't get many veeseetorz from Morsel Lands! Flocks of birds and brreezie horses, da! But dey queeckly become food for drragonz! Especially breezie vones! Snap like screaming popcorn! HAH!"

"I... don't even remotely know what you're talking about," Rainbow droned, her voice echoing against the dangling roots and stalactites.

"Den pony ees better off!" Brucie reached an apparent dead end of wet mossy earth. "Even steell, eez first time Brucie brrought back leeving customer home!"

"Huh? Customer?" Rainbow's brow furrowed. "I didn't promise to pay you for anything, dude!"

"So pony sayz!" Brucie shrugged, adjusting his goggles. "But pony haz fat fuzzy cheeks! Could be hiding many acorns yet! Da? Da!" He held a single paw up, cleared his throat, then leaned in towards the wall of earth. He slapped his bushy tail against it three times in a rhythmic fashion.

Rainbow and Lancie craned their necks, staring.

Brucie huffed. He slapped his tail against the wall again.

More silence.

"Nnnngh..." Brucie grumbled to himself in a thick, undiscernible tongue. Rolling his goggled eyes, he finally barked: "For love of Saint Petersbrittle, Vladimir! Eez Brucie! Open damn door or veell brreak your eencisors!"

A tiny, rectangular hole slid open. A pair of beady black eyes stared out. "Brucie. Say passvord."

"For last time, Mozer deedn't geeve us passvord!" Brucie spat. "Stop trrying show off Vladimir! Dere eez nobody be eempressed!"

The pair of eyes blinked in Rainbow's direction. "Brucie brrought morsel horse. Dere eez someone. Da?"

"Vhat eez dees, Vladimir?" Brucie gestured. "Eez about pine cone? How zhould Brucie know eet vas yours?"

"Eet vas seester's pine cone, not Vladimir's," the squirrel droned. "And steell need passvord."

"Vladimir..." Brucie tightened his goggles and cracked the joints in his neck. "Have ten secondz before Brucie reaches srough dere and reeps nuts out nostreels!"

"Brucie talks beeg, but ve steell must follow Mozer's rrulez."

"And seence vhen haz Vladimir cared for protocol? Dat pine cone smelled all over vith squirrel peess!"

The rodent o the other side growled. "Vladimir knew eet! Drragon humping bastard!"

"Da!" Brucie raised his paws like fists. "Come out and brring eet, cheepmunker!"

"... ... ...say passvord first, Brucie."

"Uggggghhh..." Brucie slumped—tail and ears and all. "Brucie swears! Vladimir eez breaking Brucie's ballz!"

"Brucie haz been out on patrol too long, Vladimir sinks."

"Uhhhh..." Lancie leaned forward with a crooked grin. He raised a single granite talon. "Is the password 'vodka?'"

"Huh?" Rainbow's muzzle twisted as she looked up at the statue. "'Vodka?'"

Vladimir's eyes darted at her. "Da. Morsel horse haz got eet." The slat slid shut. Then, with a deep wooden creak, a fat muddy door swung open on rusted hinges. Vladimir gestured into an enormous subterranean cavern filled with wooden lattices crawling all over with rodents of all shapes, sexes, and sizes.

"Eeeeeughhh..." Rainbow Dash face-hoofed. "Seriously... Seriously?"

"Hey!" Lancie shrugged. "It was worth a stab."

"No," Rainbow lowered her hoof, frowning. "No, it wasn't."

"Steef upper leep, fuzzy pony!" Brucie smirked back at her as he scurried on ahead. "Just made Brucie's day much easier, da? Defineetely veel bring horse to Mozer! Half-discount!"

Rainbow Dash marched after her. "Can I at least know who this 'Mother' is before I give into the sham?"

"Zhe eez source of strength for all squirrel kind!" Vladimir said, shutting the door behind her. "Brrought Vladimir and brothers here after drragonz stole squirrel castle!"

"I didn't ask you," Rainbow grumbled. She gazed around at the complex bridges and wooden structures serving as the support strats to innumerable squirrel-sized huts and houses. Torchlight flickered, illuminating the faces of many beady-eyes gawking at her strange figure. "Look at this friggin' place..."

"Would you rather have spiders?" Lancie mused.

"No." Rainbow shuddered. "But still... can't believe how we even got into this place."

Lancie shrugged. "My second guess was gonna be 'bear wrestling.'"

"Bless my eencisorz!" Vladimir gasped. "You know last veek's passvord too?!"

"Guhhhh!" Rainbow rolled her eyes, wings slumping. "I think I was better off with the dragons."

"Ahem..." Lancie coughed as several squirrels climbed closer, reaching out to poke and prod at his granite structure. He clung closer to Rainbow's center-of-gravity. "Sick filly back home, remember?"

"Eugh..." Rainbow shuffled ahead, batting away a through paws as the rodents closed in, desperate to examine the living statue on her backside. "The stuff I put up with, I swear..."

"Come! Come, pony!" Brucie gestured as he scampered on ahead, leading the way towards where a large wooden fort had been constructed against the torch-lit rear of the earthen burrow. "Mozer avaits! Den we can talk business, da?"

"Oh, we'll talk something alright," Rainbow grumbled as she flapped her wings to catch up with him. "Just... not sure I'll like any of the bits I manage to understand."

"That's what makes it fun!" Lancie chirped.

"Meh."

Comments

[MidnightReflection]

Calling it now, their mother is going to be a chipmunk. Who drinks vodka.

[Lightning Bearer]

Next week's password is a toss-up between borscht, ushankas, and existential angst.

[Mister Saxon]

6429528 No, next week is gonna be double horses, iron, and uranium, as well as increased production from strategic resources.

[destinedjagold]

inb4 Twilight and the gang have figured out and created a cure and already cured Applebloom long before RD's return. RD's gonna flip.

[PropMaster]

Don't mind me, I'm just voice acting all of Brucie's lines while I read.

Fun fact: I was slated to do Brucie's voice for the official End of Ponies audio read. The project fell apart, but it was fun.

Oh, and Brevis, too. Best donkey philosopher hobo.

[Aatxe360]

6429547

No possibility that Applebloom is no more?

[Leftover of Saikano]

6429881 Still not past the time limit. She must still be there, living up to her vegetable-based name.

[Hestia]

I'll just switch my brain off for the remainder of this arc. If I keep it on, I'll just keep trying to make sense of things.

[Nasty Mister Monket]

Now Rainbow Dash, these guys are the only ones who would react poorly to you revealing your sexuality.

...Nah, I really can't envision squirrel-Putin. Not with a straight face, at least.

[zaponator]

Ah, it's been too long since we came across a city of barely-comprehensibe animals.

[Lone Gazebo]

Lancie, Future King of the Squirrels. He knows everything.

[Fishberry]

6429528

It's obviously 'nihilism'. Ja, Lebawwski?

[bronyheat]

Get out of here, pony.
AH NU CHEEKI BREEKI IV DAMKE
Bandit squirrel radio intensifies