Student and Teacher, Servant and Mistress, Citizen and Ruler, Friend and...Lover?
by Random Pony
***
Celestia and Twilight were walking through the Canterlot Sculpture Garden, Celestia was teaching a filly Twilight all about the sculptures. Celestia taught her about Victory, Friendship, and everything in between. Soon they came to sculpture that looked like a snake. Twilight was curious about the strange statue, so she asked her mentor what it was.
"Tia? Whats that weird snake pony?"
"Twilight, this is called a Draconequus. Draconiqi represent disharmony. I happen to personally know this draconequus, his name is Discord. He ruled Equestria for thousands of years, until me and Luna banished him into this statue here. His rule was full of sadness and chaos, and ponies everywhere were not themselves. We will be discussing this in one of your future less-"
When Celestia looked at Twilight, the filly was on the verge of crying. Celestia suddenly realized she had scared Twilight, and she just stood there, looking at Twilight.
"T-Tia... why was he s-so mean?" Twilight said between tears.
"Twilight, my faithful student, It's my fault I told you the story of Discord. Could you forgive me Twilight?"
"That depends."Twilight replied. Suddenly Celestia got an idea that would cheer Twilight up.
"Twilight, would you forgive me if we got some ice cream?"
"Yes yes yes yes yes yes!" Twilight cheered as she hopped by Celestia's side, and when they were headed to the ice cream shop Twilight forgot all about the scary creature with each step she took.
NEW WRITER ALERT!
Everyone say hello and welcome Random Pony to their doom! the collab!
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Welcome.
Still adorable.
Certainly needs some work and improvements, but the first step is, of course, trying.
The next step is finding the courage to actually post what you've written.
The third step and subsequently every other step is to stop biting your nails waiting for the comments.
5625542 I don't think I'll ever move on from that third step. I have 30 stories in this collab and each one that gets posted... I feel like yelling, 'Validate me!'
5627457
i.ytimg.com/vi/rwp60eYuie0/maxresdefault.jpg
Yes?
5627486 hahaha... kinda. I'm not nearly that confident about what I write though. So it'd be that followed by her immediately collapsing down into a huddled ball muttering, "If that's ok, and you don't mind, I guess, no sorry, I'll go away now."
How about we all try to comment and criticise more? I personally would love to know if my last entries where to cheesy or not, for example. Let me be the first who throws a stone, so that we get this rolling:
I like the Idea and setting. You started strong, by using a scene the reader can easily flourish in his mind: The stone garden is a place we have seen drawn already and so are the two characters Celestia and Twilight as a fily. Roles are also known to the reader.
I didn't really read in the beginning, my mind was already showing me it. The garden, Celestia followed by little Twily, walking around and interacting with the statues.
But then everything fall apart with the crying scene. I couldn't agree with both depictions of the characters. Twilight, who we know was already a bookworm in young age, has probably read worse things already, than Celestia described.
I don't mean Twilight wouldn't cry at all, we saw here loosing it in the magic exam, because she couldn't solve the test until the sonic rainboom, I just can't imagine Celestia's depiction of Discord reign being the reason. I will comeback to that.
Okay, let's say that Twilight indeed started crying about Discord being a meanie. Would Celestia really shoosh her with ice cream? I don't think so. She is a teacher to Twilight, she would not only undermine her authority, but also rewarding bad behaviour. And with bad behaviour I don't mean the crying, I mean the bargaining of stopping the crying against treatments.
Which brings me to my last point: Pacing. For the length of your Shortfic is was alright. And I really can see that you wanted to get an "aww"-effect from the reader, what which you can see in the other comments, you have achieved. But, and I'm sorry for this, because of your pacing and early ending, you let Twily look like a spoiled foal. I really think you missed the opportunity to show us more interaction between the characters, by letting Celestia live out her teacher role. Teaching her that not everypony is nice? That you don't bargain with emotions? Just some examples, you could have used for that.
But don't worry, it is always easier to critique someone else work, and you don't need to be ashamed for your first published entry. I only wish to help, so that you can develop and don't get bored because you don't advance.
And no, I will not buy you ice cream.
5630258 to be honest this is a prompt collab these mini fics are written for our own personal enjoyment they dont need to be critiqued
now thats not to say that cant but just they dont need to be and personally probably shouldnt be