The Sun and the Stars: A Twilestia Prompt Collab

by Fuzzyfurvert

231. Cue Cards by Donraj

by Donraj

***

"Twilight, what are you doing?"

Twilight had that look again. The look which said "I am totally in control and have a plan to fix a problem which, while of grave concern, can definitely be handled just so long as I Keep. It. Together."

Spike tried to remember where his nearest stash of stationary was and was suddenly glad he'd eaten jalapeños and fire rubies for lunch. Twilight turned and jammed her face inches away from his, one eye twitching. Yeah, this one was going to be bad.

"I'm preparing a speech, Spike."

Good: Speeches were delivered in public venues. This meant there would be more ponies on hand to help calm and possibly subdue Twilight, as well as to serve as impromptu cover.

Bad: More ponies meant more potential targets or participants. Also using ponies as living shields without their consent was wrong. Both morally and ethically.

"Oh, of course. Silly me," Spike said, faking a laugh that he knew sounded hollow and nervous and that anypony other than a focused Twilight would see through. He probed for more information.

"What are you giving a speech about?"

Twilight chuckled. It was really creepy.

"Oh Spike, I'm not the one giving the speech."

Confusion ran up and bucked fear in the face. "What?" Spike asked before he could stop himself. "Then who's it for?"

"Princess Luna," Twilight said proudly.

Spike relaxed into cautious optimism. "Why are you preparing a speech for Princess Luna?"

Twilight smiled in a way that made Spike's fears flare back to life, phoenix-like.

"Princess Luna is delivering her first public royal address in Canterlot this weekend for Hearts and Hooves Day, or Hearts and Hooves Eve as it will be called this year. She asked me to help her 'Employ the modern vernacular."

Spike scratched his head. "Oh."

He thought about it for a moment, then added, "Why is Princess Luna doing it this year?"

"Princess Celestia lost a bet with her and now she has to ask somepony out on a date. A romantic date. Ending in a good night kiss."

The eye twitching had resumed in earnest now, accompanied by a gleam that brought to mind images of stars crashing down in apocalyptic showers on densely populated cities. Spike began backpedaling. He knew it wouldn't help.

Twilight yanked him off his feet with her magic and plopped him down on a convenient stool. Spike sighed and prepared for the inevitable as Twilight telekinetically dragged over a chalkboard covered with multiple diagrams of names, personality traits, various hobbies and pictures.

"Now, it has been two hundred and twelve years since Princess Celestia's last known romantic relationship. Combining the research I had already done on the subject with partners not recorded in the official histories whom I gathered information on through a series of interviews with Princess Luna and," Twilight paused and sighed, then continued, "Discord, I have created a profile on Princess Celestia's preferences in romantic partners. Her 'type,' if you will. According to this chart her 'type' seems to have stabilized to within an eight percent margin of variation seven hundred and eighty years ago, excluding outliers five hundred and fifty two, four hundred and seventy and three hundred and sixty three years ago, respectively."

Twilight took a breath, then added, "Oh, and also I summoned King Sombra's ghost from the netherworld to interrogate him on the subject. He didn't want to help, but I managed to overcome his resistance."

Spike was wide-eyed by the time she finished. "And... the speech?"

Twilight waved a hoof dismissively. "Oh, that. I'm filling it with subtle references to characteristics I possess that Princess Celestia will associate with previous lovers. I also volunteered to hold Luna's cue cards so that I will be in Princess Celestia's field of vision the entire time."

Twilight beamed, clearly proud of herself.

Spike face-palmed. "Twilight, why don't you just ask her out? Invite her to go star-gazing or on a picnic or something like that."

Twilight stared blankly. "But that would be weird. And probably a little creepy."

Author's Note:

Everyone say hi to collab newbie Donraj!

Comments

[Europa]

And probably a little creepy.

[BarrenBaron]

I always loved the idea of people doing stupidly complicated things for simple tasks, and it fits Twilight so well. I can just imagine her one day deciding to date Celestia and Spike walking into this Conversation.

"Why not just ask her out?"
"That'd be weird!" Exclaims Twilight as she pulls a lever to a Rube Goldberg contraption that, after it's various stages including, but not limited to, waiting for a newly laid egg to hatch, striking up world peace, and solving world hunger, would end with the flourish of a giant glowing sign (neon, of course), a flock of doves, and fireworks; all of which spelled out her intent to date Celestia.

[Jonesly]

The best part of this collab's huge backlog is that I get to enjoy stories twice! This one made me chuckle both times.

[Selenelion]

That last line. It is so totally and completely Twilight-worthy. Good job.

[Fuzzyfurvert]

4872682
We're now officially on to page 35 of the thread!

[CryoKing96]

4872578 my sentiments exactly.

[Mister Morden]

Oh Twilight, never change you adorkable fool.

[blazeofheat]

4872578
For the first time in centuries Celestia is going back into the dating game and right before she starts she's hit with the news of her students love for her and on the (to Twilight's perspective) reasonable chance Celestia doesn't return her feelings, she's just forced her princess to deal with both the pressure of hurting someone she cares about and the stress that would have on any other dates.
Far better to simply promote the statistical chance of a mutual display of love.

[Donraj]

4873730

If it matters I and presumably Twilight both assumed Celestia has had more recent relationships that she managed to keep out of the spotlight.

[Knight of Cerebus]

4872604 And, because it's Twilight, that contraption would actually somehow work.

[Lelouch Vi Britania]

Twilight took a breath, then added, "Oh, and also I summoned King Sombra's ghost from the netherworld to interrogate him on the subject. He didn't want to help, but I managed to overcome his resistance."

That seems...excessive.

[Raven Flight]

So...stalking isn't creepy, or illegal, but asking out your crush is? Sounds legit

[ShadowLDrago]

Spike face-palmed. "Twilight, why don't you just ask her out? Invite her to go star-gazing or on a picnic or something like that."

Twilight stared blankly. "But that would be weird. And probably a little creepy."

Goddammit Twilight.