• Published 16th Jun 2018
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 2) - CrazedLaughter

With the exodus of Chrysalis, Anon's life finally starts to go back to normal. Or rather, as normal as it can be when being the adopted son of the spirit of chaos. But new problems await him. What they are? Who knows...

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Chapter 31 - The Meeting With Neighsay

When you fell through the portal you generated, you expected yourself to fall into your room as usual. Instead, you fall face first onto the living room floor. How and why? You had no idea. But you weren’t even angry about it either, just par for the course and most likely Discord’s doing. When you cleared your head with a shake and looked up, you found your internal guess correct as you saw Discord humming to himself as he worked on chiseling a… Very accurate looking statue of Twilight.

“Ngh, hey Discord. What are you up to? Also, can we not have me landing on my face all the time? Or at least use a pillow or something?” You say to him as you draw near the statue. Aside from it’s grey color, it looked remarkably like Twilight. Only thing missing was a face. Why was he making a Twilight statue anyway?

“Ahh, Anon!” Discord looked to you with a smile as his arms detached from his body to continue their work. Discord himself walked over to you, and then passed you to grab an oily looking drink...somehow. He then floated above the sofa. “Good to see you! You’re a little early, I admit, but I’m happy just the same. As you can see, I’m in the middle of my greatest project yet! Even more so…” Discord takes a sip, then looks back at the statue with pride “I plan to donate this to our dear princess once it’s done. It will be the centerpiece of her school, isn’t that amazing?”

Wut? “You’re going to donate Twilight a statue of herself? You ok, Discord? This doesn’t seem like you at all”

“What? Anon, come on. Despite how I may act, Twilight is a dear friend of mine. Besides…” As Discord speaks, his arms quickly chisel a face upon the statue. Not only does it cause the stone mane to suddenly fly up like it was hit with lightning, but the statue itself had an expression of pure horror. “I managed to capture the perfect moment during your exam! Look at her, Anon. Never has Twilight ever seemed so lively before. Dramatic, beautiful, full of life, and oh so powerful through the seriousness of her eyes. My best work for sure, but hmmm.” Discord looks at the statue as if it was suddenly not good enough “What do you think?”

Hilarious, but you already knew Twilight would never accept it. “Amazing, but c’mon man, you know Twilight won’t accept it. She doesn’t have a good sense of humor, remember?”

“Hmmmm…” Discord moaned near silently as his arms flew back to his body to allow him to visually ponder “True, Twilight wouldn’t know fun, even if it burned up all her books. At least you appreciate it. That somewhat matters to me, but…” Discord then turns to face his statue “What to do with it then?”

You walk over to the statue and look at it’s ass. Mhmmm, very detailed, very good. You give it’s roundness a gentle rub of your hoof “Maybe you could give it to me, maybe add in something for me to put my di-”

“Anon! How shameful!” Discord waggled his paw digit at you “This statue is only a few minutes old! The age difference alone would have ponies talking!”

You raise an eyebrow at him “I was just kidding… Mostly. Look, why are you even wondering what to do with it? Just drop it off at the school anyway when a ton of ponies are inside. Bam! You embarrass Twilight and get your win. C’mon Discord, even you should have thought of that.”

“I had thought of it, but considering dear Fluttershy is going to be a professor at the school, I’d rather not just drop this all on her all at once. If Twilight accepted the statue, it’d be her fault. But alas, it seems I can’t have my way this time.” Discord sighs as he snaps his talons, making the statue vanish.

What? He gave up just like that? “So that’s it then? Not like you to give up that easily.”

“Me? Give up? Oh no no no no, I didn’t give up. See, Fluttershy had been teaching me about something called compromise. And so, I decided to compromise the perfectness of my plan with Twilight’s delightful shock of everypony’s reaction to the statue.” Discord explains in a way that sounded like he himself was giving a lecture.

Uhhhh… “And what does that mean?”

“It means I had to settle for less. I placed the statue right before her bedroom door, inside the bedroom itself. Not only will she be spooked upon opening it, but the statue will then say…” Discord tapped his neck to make himself sound like Twilight “Hi! I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle! And this is the face I make when I wet the bed! Which I do a lot!”

You let out a snort of mirth. Ok, that’s fucking funny. “Ok ok, that’s good stuff. Hehehe. But what good is that if you aren’t going to… Oh never mind.” You stop your words when Discord holds up a small screen, showing a close up of large double doors. You could already tell the head of the statue had a camera inside. “You better let me see that tape when you get it, alright?”

“Certainly, I’ll have it set for personal viewing in your room when it’s available. Now then, to other business. Namely, getting into your business.” Discord says with a childish smile, batting his eyes at you “Whatcha up to, sonny boy?”

“Gonna meet up with some guy I suspect is gonna try to bite my neck.” You say as you actually give your neck a rub.

“Sounds boring. Anything else? What about setting up that sleepover thing with your marefriend? I have everything prepped for that one, you know? A separate room, two beds in which I’m sure one will go unused, two thrones for use… One being my old one. Yes, I know, it does look a little on the evil side, but it’s served me well and I think it’s high time to pass it down to you. Even got this lovely set of crowns for the both of you…” He opens his paw, revealing two very beautiful golden crowns, shimmering with gems.

“Ugh, please no. We already did the whole royal motif at her place. I’m just gonna keep it nice and simple. Hell, maybe show her what chaos is all about in light doses. That’s alright, right? I mean, if we are gonna get married, she’s going to have to get used to it.” This you were sure of. Every day of your life always had something ridiculous in store for you, so it’d make sense to give her a taste of it in some way.

“I’m not even going to say that’s a bad idea. I’m just going to warn you not to have her open that window, you know the one.” Discord’s eyes form into one ghoulish peeper as his teeth sharpen up.

“I’ll make sure, but I at least want her to meet them. I dunno, seems right to get her used to that now rather than later. Or maybe I’m just being an idiot about that.” Doesn’t seem like a bad idea, anyway.

Discord shrugs “Seems fine to me. Is there anything else?”

Well, there was Chrysalis. But Discord, as far as you knew, didn’t want to deal with her anymore, and considered her an actual poison to your own friendship with him. You’ll keep that detail to yourself. “Nope”

“Well then” Discord tosses you a small golden box that looked really wondrous and intricate in design, with beautifully ingrained alicorns facing each other on the box. “Allow me to present you with this, for a job well done!”

“You mean passing the exam?” You say as you catch the box. You give it’s cover a look over, cautiously, worried it might be rigged with a trap. “What is this? The pony’s equivalent of Pandora’s Box?”

“More like a box of chocolates” Discord retorts

Box of chocolates, huh? Well, if you’re careful, you should be able to avoid whatever trap might be inside. You set the box down, carefully put your hoof on the lid, and open it up as you jump back. Nothing happens however, and as you look down... “Oh… It’s a box of chocolates.”

“That’s what I said, didn’t I?” Discord said with a huff “What did you expect, a bomb?”

“Sorta…” You tap at the chocolates, pick one up, sniff it, then pop it in your mouth. Oh shit, this tasted… “Discord… Holy shit, this is some of the best chocolate I’ve ever had! Did you make this?!”

“No, I stole it from Celestia’s secret stash. She’ll never realize it was me either, considering I don’t plan to use it in anything chaotic. Which, that within itself, is chaotic.” Discord snickered

“Nice” You say as you close the box, saving the rest for later. Even if you and Celestia were at an understanding, you didn’t mind having her delicious box of chocolates. “I’m gonna take these up to my room, then go see if that guy I’m supposed to meet is there. Thanks Discord, really. These are really good.”

“No problem, Anon, as long as you don’t mind me pilfering them from our dear Princess Celestia. Which, as I can see, you don’t. As for me, I’m going to watch the monitor for a little bit. She has to open that door sometime.” Discord gives you a wink before he disappears.

What a guy. Already trying to make your sleepover more comfy and giving you chocolates for a job well done. You smile at these thoughts as you make your way up to your room. When you get inside, you toss the box onto your dresser and look at you clock. It was only 8 P.M. at this point, but you were sure that his definition of evening slightly differed from yours, so he was probably already there. Or maybe he did mention a time? Bah, you couldn’t remember.

You set your portal door to Ponyville’s town hall, and hop inside in search of Chancellor Neighsay.

“Alright, time to sWHAAAA?!” When you appear on the other side of the portal, you arrive in Ponyville as expected, but everything was in negative space and unmoving, as if there was a time freeze. “W-what happened?! Where am I?!”

“You’re in my personal thinking space, Anon” Said a voice “Don’t be alarmed, it is merely a realm between realms. Similar to the kind of spell that would let you explore inside a book.”

That voice? Was it the Chancellor? “Yeah well, I’m sort of used to seeing this kind of stuff from my Dad. How are you doing this, anyway?”

Suddenly, slowly appearing as if he was a spirit going into physical form, Chancellor Neighsay stood in front of you, with a smile that was less than calming. His horn was alit, obviously maintaining whatever space this was. “With magic only those as skilled as I can muster. But I’m sure somepony of your caliber is capable of something like this as well.”

You were sure of that actually. Still, you now felt really tense knowing you were on this guy’s literal playing field. “Yeah… Look, I came because you had something to say. But I didn’t agree to this, why are we even in here?”

“Privacy.” Chancellor Neighsay says as he conjures a small table onto the negative grass, with two seats, and two cups of tea on plates. Even had a tea kettle set up as he filled both cups, all through the use of magic. He takes a seat, lifts his cup, and takes a sip. “Ahh, always soothing to the soul, wouldn’t you say?”

What… The… Fuck? Was he ACTUALLY going to rape you?! This guy was creepier than, uh, well, now was no time for comparisons. You remained calm, sat at the other seat, and took a sip of your cup. “Yeah… So, erm, can we get down to business then? Chancellor?” Because, fuck, you felt uncomfortable with how sudden this fucking was.

“Straight to the point. Good, as there’s no use in wasting time. Tell me, Anon, how do you feel about the dragons? Especially considering what happened yesterday. I hear it’ll be some time before the bowling alley is rebuilt.” The Chancellor asked you, very interested in what your answer might be.

Well, that’s an odd question to ask. “Uh, I… What? I mean, why ask me that? What does that have to do with anything?”

“It has to do with everything.” Neighsay said, with a hint of hatred in his voice. “Anon, you needn’t feel the need to reserve yourself or tell me the answer you think I wish to hear. I’ll be honest with you, if you’ll be honest with me. Now, please answer the question”

This really was weirding you out. Maybe you should have stuck with the pleasantries instead of going straight to business. Because this guy not only was creepy, but seemed very no nonsense. “Well, if you want honesty. I’m friends with one dragon, but I’m not a big fan of the others. I don’t mean to sound rude, but they all seem like jerks to me. I heard their new princess is nice, but I never met her. That’s not a problem, is it?”

“Not at all” Neighsay said with a calmed chuckle “Indeed, dragons have been the enemies of us ponies for a very very long time. I cannot blame you for how you feel about them. Personally, I agree, and feel they should stay in their own lands where they belong. Although, I suppose Twilight’s assistant is… Tolerable”

Tolerable? What the fuck was up with that guy that he had to make a nasty comment? Ok, granted dragons are jerks and you wouldn’t mind not dealing with them at all. But Spike was pretty damn cool. The hell was this guy getting at? “Yeah… Erm, is this about dragons then? Are they causing more trouble?”

“More than you know. And not only them, but changelings are as well. I happen to know you have had to deal with them before. I’ve even heard rumors that you’re not fond of them, despite your involvement in their ‘reformation’. Is that true?” He asks you

Dragons, and changelings? Were they causing trouble? Even then, why would some head of some education board care about all that? “I… Don’t really care for them, per se. Glad they reformed and all, but they’re a little too dainty for my taste.”

“Hmmm, dainty you say?” He said as he looked at you with a serious stare, drinking his tea as he did so “And yet, we have no idea what they are actually doing or planning. The same also goes for beings like the griffons, who are suddenly much more accepted despite the fact that’d they’d sell their own kin for a bag of bits. And then there are the Yaks, who would start a war with any country, including Equestria itself, over something minor. And the Hippogriffs? Well, we have yet to see where they stand…”

Uhhhhhhh… Ok. He was, kind of right, in a creepy and evil sort of way. Yaks did seem like dicks, and Griffons, as far as you knew, were actual fucking assholes. But this guy’s hate was unreal, what was his problem? And why did it involve you? “Ok, for the kinda most part, I can agree. But, Chancellor, I don’t mean to insult you or anything. But what does this have to do with anything? What does this have to do with me?”

“Because, you are the ‘Hero Colt’! And not just in name either. While Princess Twilight’s feats are in fact, impressive, I’d have to say that you easily match her skills, despite your age. And you have experience dealing with undesirables and criminals, even dealing with the notorious criminal, Sharpclaw. You, I believe, understand how dangerous these outsiders can be, and that is why I need your help.” Neighsay says as he taps his hoof on the table, some desperation in his eyes and voice.

Sharpclaw? Oh, right. That fucking guy who was robbing Flim and Flam, from way back. It’s true, you have dealt with many creatures that have been less than pleasant to know. But why did it matter to him? Why did he need your help? Just keep playing it up, Anon. Figure out what he wants. “Well, I’m honored that you’d seek my help, Chancellor. But, ummmm, why do you need my help exactly? What does it have to do with all these races?” You kept yourself from asking WHY he hated them, as you felt that may have been a bad trigger of sorts.

The Chancellor sighed as he held his cup. He looked depressed and defeated all of a sudden, as his voice became softer and pathetic. “To be honest, Anon. My unscheduled visit with the Princess today was met with her usual misplaced optimism. Even worse, I had run into Princess Celestia, who shares her pupil’s sentiments. I had a vision, a vision that if I ended up not accrediting the school, and even locking it up, that I would be met with opposition that I’d not be able to contain. I realize just trying to make sure the school is never opened is not the way to go. Equestria’s very survival is now at stake due to her allowing ANYCREATURE to attend her school. Anycreature, that if they choose, can make off with important secrets and artifacts to bring back to their own race. This would spell the end for all of us, Anon. I cannot allow Equestria to fall because our ‘dear’ princess has a naive outlook on friendship. I know, for a fact, that you too have issues with her. So…” Neighsay gets off his seat, and bows to you “Please, I beg of your help. You are the only one I know of who has a desire to protect Equestria through any means necessary. The only one who is capable of mingling with these creatures without arousing suspicion.”

W-what?! Geez! This guy! Ok, so let’s recap this in your brain. He seems to hate anything not a pony, and has this idea that you think the same way he does. He does acknowledge your magnificence, so that’s good. But it also seems he wanted you to be some sort of lackey, or spy, or something. Was Equestria really in danger? Was there something he knew that no one else did? What did he even expect you to do? “W-well, I guess it depends on what it is. Considering your status, I’m not just gonna snub you out. But uh, you’re gonna have to give me some details and stuff.”

Neighsay took a moment to compose himself, and then took a sip of his tea. “It’s simple. I want you to enroll in Twilight’s school, if you haven’t already done so, and keep an eye on her non-pony students. I can feel it, some kind of trouble that could only come from them. I’d leave this all to you of course, at your own discretion. The only thing I ask is that I am not mentioned within your investigation, and that you send word to me once you have gathered sufficient evidence of their wrongdoing.”

Ok, once again, he was jumping ahead of himself. Or he assumed you were on the same page as him. And enroll in that fucking school?! Nope, no chance of that happening. “What do you mean keep an eye on them? And enroll in her school? Sorry to say, but I’d really rather not have to deal with it. Personally speaking, I think it’s stupid.”

Neighsay nodded in agreement “I can understand your feelings on it. But please reconsider, or at least think about it. As for the details of what I want you to do. Her school will play host to many creatures, such as dragons, yaks, griffons, and anything else SHE deems worthy. I refuse to believe that they, especially our 'former' enemies, are going to that school just to learn about friendship. I know you share my feelings on this, it’s why you must be the one keep an eye on things. It’s for the good of Equestria.”

Was this guy for real? Wait! Maybe he was for real. Twilight’s school is a pretty fucking big deal, no doubt, considering how respected this guy must be, that there is some weight to his words. Sure, he himself may end up being the season ender villain, if this was in fact a season of sorts. But if he isn’t, then he could be right. Still, you really would have to think about it, you really didn’t want to become Twilight’s student. “Like I said, I’ll think about it. But, uhhh, I can understand your fears. Especially when it comes to dragons. Considering, y’know, yesterday.”

“Indeed…” Neighsay sighed, feeling your answer less than adequate. Surprisingly, he did respect it, as he looked to you once again. “Then may I ask you to make a visit to the changeling hive tomorrow? They are the creatures I’m most worried about at the moment. You needn’t do much, just see if they are up to something. I’d even like you to see what student they plan to send to the school, see what they are all about. If you find anything, I ask you to send me a letter immediately. If not, then do not bother, as your silence will tell me you hadn’t discovered anything… yet. Are you able to do at least that for me? I will trust your answer if you say yes, and will even see about making sure your future choices in education, for you and your marefriend, are guaranteed.”

You thought that was already guaranteed. Either way, that didn’t sound too hard, and was way easier than signing up for Twilight’s school. You could say yes, go deal with the pussies, talk to whatever student they chose, and you wouldn’t even have to write anything because you already knew they were too wimpy to try anything due to Thorax being a nancy boy. You could just say yes and not bother, but you wanted to make sure no one could say you didn’t try. Haha! This guy, you had this in the bag. He was probably right though, just not about the changelings. If there was gonna be trouble, you could keep an eye out regardless, but you would also have to keep tabs on him as well, just in case. Hmmm, maybe this was more serious than you realized. Best to take it in small steps. Maybe it was nothing, and he was just being a worrywart. Either way, at least it was easy to secure your future in academics. “Ok, I can at least do that no problem. The changelings trust me, so it’ll be easy to go have a look see. I’m pretty thorough, and my magic will make sure I don’t miss anything. But I have your word, that if I do this, and no matter how it ends, I’ll have your recommendation for me and Diamond?”

He nods. “Yes, you helping is already enough to help settle my mind, as many others somehow think the Princesses’ way of thinking is the best way. Mnnnn, and I’m glad you came to a decision as well, as my hold on this realm is just about over” He says as the negative coloring of the area reverts to the Ponyville you knew. Neighsay remained calm as his spell ended, and zapped away the table,chairs, and tea set “Well then, it appears our business is over as well.”

“Yeah, it appears it is.” You looked up, it was night now at this point, you could see the stars “If I find anything, I’ll let you know. But don’t get your hopes up, ok? I somehow doubt they are up to something.”

“That way of thinking is what will be our downfall. I know you are smarter than that, Anon, and I trust you will be thorough in your investigation.” Somehow, he opens up a portal of his own, then looks back at you. This guy, he really was a powerful unicorn. Definitely a guy you didn’t want to get on their bad side. “I have your word, correct?”

Just to be polite, you do a bow “You do, as long as I have yours.”

“As I said, if you are honest with me, then I’ll be honest with you. It’s been an honor to meet you, Anon. While not completely like minded as myself, it is good to know there are foals out there who do not blindly follow the naivete of our princesses’ single minded views. Farewell, until we meet again.” He nods to you, then steps inside his portal as it vanishes out of sight.

You just blinked and stood there, confused. “Ok then… At least he didn’t rape me”

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