• Published 16th Jun 2018
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 2) - CrazedLaughter

With the exodus of Chrysalis, Anon's life finally starts to go back to normal. Or rather, as normal as it can be when being the adopted son of the spirit of chaos. But new problems await him. What they are? Who knows...

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Chapter 83 - The Hyrule Campaign Part 3

Your party of four begin to walk past the archway of the gate and into the dilapidated castle town of Hyrule. Buildings either were worn, in ruins, falling apart, or somehow survived the initial destruction of the town. The gloomy backdrop of the dark clouded sky made the town feel haunted and evil, a far cry from what it must have looked like before Ganon took over. As you all stayed alert, crossing the main street, Moonlight began to feel rather spooked, and so she stuck very close to you for comfort. She didn’t even refer to you by your character name as she spoke. “Anon, this place is kind of scary. It’s like… Ponyville, but if it was just ruined and abandoned.”

You could feel her cuddling close, you could sense the fear within her, and so you mustered up some heroic bravado to help her relax. “Don’t worry, you’re with us. If anything dares attack us, we’ll take it down no problem.”

“Oh… Anon… You’re so brave.” Moonlight said as she nuzzled her head under yours. “I p-promise, I’ll do my best the moment a ghost attacks. I promise.”

“Hm, I doubt there will be any ghosts in this town. We haven’t been noticed, but I’m sure some of these buildings are inhabited by Ganon’s forces, living forces such as the lizardfos that were guarding that drawbridge.” Wuz said as he scanned his eyes left and right, bow at the ready for any danger.

“What’s with that name anyway? Lizardfos, I mean. Why not just call them lizard monsters or lizard knights or something?” Garbunkle asked, confused as to why the name sounded so silly. “What does 'fos' even mean?”

“Well, actually, this place is kind of based off the fantasy adventures from my world. And a lot of the monster names were like that. We had Wolfos, Stalfos, and Dinofos. And snakes were even called ropes.” You answer, not really realizing at all how silly that all sounded.

“Uhhhh… So were ropes called snakes?” Garbunkle asked, even further confused by such names.

And then you started to realize how stupid that name actually was. “Erm… No? Ropes were called ropes.”

“And so were the snakes. Ooooook then, not to rag on your world’s version of O&O or anything, but that’s preeeettty dumb. Next you’re gonna tell me bats aren’t called bats or something.” Garbunkle said, and boy, did he really say it. Holy shit, did Zelda really have such stupid naming conventions? Nah, it couldn’t, it wasn't like that at all.

“Erm… Well, they're called Keeses, actually. But they are basically bats.” You say in a half hearted way, starting to feel a little embarrassed that this was now all making you have this horrible realization. But maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t all bad. “But hey, that’s how the game was, even chickens had a different name, they were called cucoos. Basically, no animal took a traditional name in the game.” You explain, feeling a little more confident that you pointed that out.

“Really? So what are dogs, turtles, and rabbits called?” Garbunkle asked. He was starting to now realize what you meant, and thought maybe it was cool that this world had its own style of naming things. So thinking of some of his friends’ pets, he asks what their unique name was.

But oh boy, did your argument just fall apart ridiculously quick. “U-uhm… Dogs, turtles, and er… Rabbits.” Ugh, the look on your face could be misconstrued as a near death experience. How could you lose a debate over something from your old world? To Garbunkle of all people?! No, fucking Spike! Sheesh!

Garbunkle just looks back at you, rolls his eyes, then gives you a half slitted but serious look. “... And you don’t see how dumb that sounds?”

“I mean… When you put it that way… Actually, if you want a real world example, what about you?” No fuck this, he wants to make fun of Zelda? It’s payback time!

“Uhh… What? I’m a wizard, that kinda comes with the clothes and staff.” Garbunkle answered, confused as to what you meant by ‘what about you?’

“No, I mean you, Spike. You’re a baby dragon, right?” Here we go. Time to make sense of this nonsense right now. Because why the hell is he still called a baby dragon at this point?

“Well, yeah. Why?” Garbunkle asked, not knowing where you were going with this.

“Don’t babies babble? Also, you’ve known Twilight since she was a foal, same with Shining Armor. Now they are a mare and stallion and you’re still a baby?! How does that work? Doesn’t that sound stupid? Or do you really like being called a baby?” There we go, Anon, lay down that smackdown.

“Hey! I’m not a baby in that sense! And… Er… I mean… Dragons age differently? I mean, I grew up once.” Garbunkle exclaimed, feeling defensive over the fact that his title of ‘baby dragon’ kind of made him sound like a wimp. He felt that is what you were comparing him to, a wimp. “So there.”

“You grew up because you got greedy, and went back to being a baby when you stopped. So what, does that mean you’re gonna be a baby forever?” You say as you began to smirk, feeling you actually won this argument.

“Ok, ok… Sorry, I shouldn’t have insulted your game. C-can we just drop it? And er, never use the word ‘baby’ in that context? Really doesn’t do anything good for my image.” Garbunkle finally realized he had lost, and now knew his complaining about names and titles were rather misplaced when it came to his own. He then mutters under his breath. "Geez bro, way to take things way too personally"

“Will you two hush? Look over there, at the town center.” Wuz said as he dashed off and away from the main street, and hid behind a building as he beckoned to the three of you to hide beside him. “Small pig creatures are dancing around that statue, and I’m sure they’d hate to be interrupted.”

Oh shit, no wonder there weren’t any enemies about, they seemed to be having a party in the town center! There were small pig creatures, standing upright, still made of paper of course, sitting, drinking, and dancing around a statue of a large menacing pig man holding a trident, garbed in a black armor with a stone cape, his expression filled with cruelty and hatred. “Oh geez, those are bokoblins. And that statue? That’s Ganon. They must be doing some sort of tribute to him or something.”

“Wow, for being a pig, he actually looks kind of scary. No wonder they call him the Demon King. Ok, so most of the baddies are having a party, so does that mean we just take the long way around to avoid em’?” Garbunkle asked, knowing going straight into battle against such a large group would be a fatal mistake.

“That would be the wisest idea. Although, if we get caught taking the long way around, we’ll be backed against the outer walls of the town. We’ll have to be extra careful, and make sure not to alert any suspicion. Moonlight, you will need to have your smoke bombs ready. If we get caught, we’ll need to raise our chances to… Wait a moment, where is Moonlight?” Wuz looked around, noticing Moonlight had suddenly left the group.

“Oh no! She’s walking right towards them! What is she doing?! MO-GADFASGF” You were about to yell to Moonlight to get her back to the group, but Garbunkle grabs onto your mouth to keep you from screaming your name out and alerting everyone in the town of your location.

“Conan! Relax! Hold on! Didn’t you two notice? She’s wearing some weird armor, probably belonged to those lizardfos guys she beat. I think she’s going to try to trick them to get us through the middle of town.” Garbunkle said, with a strange sense of optimism you nor Wuz had. Seems Moonlight was no longer scared of the town now that goofy looking paper pig monsters ruined the spooky aura of the area.

“...Or she’ll get herself killed! How is she supposed to handle that many Bokoblin?!” Like how the fuck could he hold you back at a time like this?! What the hell was Moonlight thinking?!

“Actually, we would most likely successfully rescue her… Then get obliterated. So yes, Garbunkle, what gives?” Wuz asked, he too confused and annoyed that Garbunkle would seemingly be alright with the entire campaign being fucked.

“Come on guys, look at the amazing rolls she must have gotten to bring down those goons guarding the drawbridge. She has an amazing charisma stat and natural diplomacy due to being a princess. She’ll most likely be getting at least a plus four on her rolls. All we gotta do is believe, and I’m sure she’ll make it happen.” Oh yeah, he was putting A LITTLE too much faith into Moonlight. You don’t know what got into her all of a sudden, but holy shit, now was not the time to push RNGesus.

“Misplaced… But, this is O&O, if that’s how she wants to play her character, then fine, we’ll stand at the ready, ready to rescue the damsel.” Wuz said, prepping his bow and ready to jump in to save Moonlight the moment there was danger.

“Cripes… We’re gonna get murdered, I swear…” You say as you stand back, readying your axe.

“Come on guys, we just gotta stay optimistic. I got a shield spell ready to go the moment things go sour. Captain Wuz, you just pelt them with arrows while Conan rushes in and grabs Moonlight. If we stick to the plan, we might be able to make something happen, ok? Stay positive.” Garbunkle tells you both, hoping to raise the morale of the team.

“Oh trust me, I’m not willing to let those greasy bacon bits lay a finger on her. And I’m sure Conan feels the same way…” Wuz say, with determination in his voice. But then suddenly, the seriousness in Wuz’s eyes leave him as he looks to you both with a need for an answer. “I don’t sound too cheesy, do I? I feel things have suddenly become much more serious than when we ever fought the likes of the ‘Squizard’”

“Nah, you're fine. Given how everything looks darker and moody, it fits the tone.” Garbunkle said as he gave Wuz a thumbs up.

“What?! How could you guys suddenly not take this so seriously?!” Like what the hell?! Discord you could understand, but what the fuck Spike?!

“Uhh… Dude, we can’t actually perish, remember? You got sliced by your marefriend, like, ten minutes ago, and you’re totally fine. But man, I do not feel like losing this campaign, I’m excited to see what the final battle is gonna be like.” Garbunkle said, as he filled with excitement over the thought of taking on Ganon.

You? God, why did he have to remind you how easily you got sliced? “... Yeah, whatever… Let’s just be ready… Ok?”

As for Moonlight herself, she walked up to the Bokoblins, still in the middle of their ritual, and hailed them with a deep and grunting voice. “Hello fellow monsters, I am a lizardfos… A lizardfos with news!”

All three of you slapped your hooves and claws to your faces. Holy fuck, this was already a trainwreck.

The Bokoblins all stop their dance, and silence fills the air as they stare at Moonlight with suspicion. One Bokoblin with a jeweled adorned blue helmet stepped up to her and asked “You no look like lizardfos, who are you?”

“Uhh, A lizardfos who was born… differently?” Oh man, she was already faltering.

The Bokoblin just lunged forward and removed the helmet from her head, and squealed as he pointed towards Moonlight. “INTRUDER! INTRUDER! READY SPEARS AND SWORDS! SKEWER THE INTRUDER!”

Moonlight screeches as she ducks her head, the small army of Bokoblin grabbing their weapons and jumping towards her for a quick finishing blow.

But suddenly, they all bounce back as a shield suddenly appears, but easily shatters upon the combined strike of their weapons. “Ah geez, I didn’t get a good enough roll to keep it up. Captain Wuz, hurry up and back up Conan!”

“Already on it!” Captain Wuz aims his bow true, and releases a volley of arrows towards the Bokoblins. He successfully managed to skewer quite a bit of them with his arrows, slowing them down enough for you to rush in and pick up Moonlight.

“Gotcha!” You yell out as you grab onto Moonlight and throw her on your back, running back to the group as quick as you can.

“Anon? Anon! You… You saved me! Just like when-” As soft spoken as Moonlight sounded right now, you all were now in the middle of an escape as the Bokoblin regrouped and rallied up to chase you all through the town, so you couldn't really enjoy her admiration for you. You interrupt her and let her know she had to save it for when you all actually got out of danger, and that a smoke bomb would be appreciated at this moment. Moonlight, regaining her senses, nods and throws down one to make evading the chasing hoard that much easier. Unfortunately, the smoke produced from the bomb wasn’t too dense. In a last ditch idea, you four venture into an abandoned shop in hopes you wouldn’t be noticed. It was dangerous as it would leave you all cornered, but you all had no choice at this point.

Garbunkle quickly locks the door, and peers out through a peephole. You yourself just take deep breaths, scared out of your wits as you put Moonlight down and ask. “Did they notice we went in here?”

“Doesn’t look like it, but they didn’t keep running either. Looks like they are trying to figure out where we went.” Garbunkle replies as he continues to look through the peephole “Anypony see any back exit anywhere back there?”

“Exit?” Moonlight says as she looks around, not noticing any other door in the old abandoned shop. “I… Don’t see any exits. There’s a lot of blue balls with ropes on top of them though.”

“Hmm? Blue balls with… Oh, hahaha” Wuz lets out a soft chuckle when he notices what she’s talking about. “Those aren’t balls, Moonlight, those are bombs. Interesting, we appear to have ventured into a bomb shop. Sad we are too cornered to really make any use of them right now.”

“Yeah, be careful. If any of those get lit right now, not only will they know where we are, but we might get blown to smithereens.” Garbunkle warned as he continued to watch the bokoblins through the peephole.

“What about this one? It looks like a cute toy!” Moonlight asked as she picked up a cute looking golden mouse like toy with blue ears. “It’s so cute and… Oh, hehe, that tickles! It’s scurrying on me.” Moonlight giggled as the toy suddenly came to life.

“Oh, that’s just a…” OH GOD! THAT MOUSE TOY ISN’T A MOUSE TOY! THAT’S A FUCKING BOMBCHU! “Moonlight! Watch out!” You rush up to her and grab the bomb out of her hoof, slamming down onto the ground as you cover the bomb with your body. “... Ngh… Why me?” Was all you could say as the bomb exploded under you, sending you up into the ceiling, and causing you to fall back down onto your face… Thank god for that passive head defense bonus.

“Anon! A-are you ok!...” Moonlight cried as she ran up to you, and held your soot covered body close to herself “Oh no... You’re ok, right? Are you hurt?” She said as she began to tear up, overwhelmed by your heroism.

“J-just my pride…” You whine, before looking up at her with a broken smile. You were happy she was at your side, but damn did you feel sore.

“Ah geez! Those Bokoblin guys heard the explosion! They're coming this way! What do we do?!” Garbunkle said as he began to panic “Guys, we might have to use my teleport right now to get us all back out of town!”

“What?! We can’t do that! The town would be covered in guards the next time we try to press through! I say we just make our stand here, and fight!” Captain Wuz said, unwilling to back down from such a threat. “I refuse to be bested by pig things! I will not have this adventure blow up in my face!”

Blow up in my face? Blow up… HOLY SHIT! THAT’S IT!

You spring up from Moonlight’s grasp and shake the soot off your body as you cry out “Eureka! I got it! I know how to beat them!”

“You do?! Well spill it then! We don’t got a lotta time here, Conan.” Garbunkle said as he saw the Bokoblin gather around the door, preparing to break it down if need be.

“Get the bombs, gather all the bombs, all of them! And put them right in the middle of the shop. We’ll get behind the counter, and when they get close…” As you start to mention your brilliant plan, Garbunkle realizes what the endgame is and finishes your thought.

“I light em up when they step inside! HAHA! Now that’s using your barbarian noodle, Conan. Alright everypony, they're gonna be busting through the door soon. Let’s get those bombs rounded up!” Garbunkle announced.

What followed were you, Moonlight, Wuz, and Garbunkle gathering all the bombs that were stored within the shop and throwing them towards the center of the floor while the door banged from the Bokoblins trying to gain entry. The door was sturdy enough to hold them back just enough to get all the bombs in place and get into position.

Finally, the Bokoblins break in, rushing inside like rats to cheese as they readied their weapons to take any living thing within the shop out. However, they stopped, confused when they noticed none of you were in sight, the only thing being around was a pile of bombs.

Garbunkle then peeks his head out, and looks to the mob of pigs with a smirk. “Yo, over here!” He waved to them, gaining their attention. “Sorry you guys missed the party, but we’re still willing to end things with a blast! Bomb voyage, fellas!” Garbunkle tells them with a evil looking grin, right before breathing out a flame that thankfully, despite it being a mere ember, was enough to light one of the bombs. You all duck your heads and hold on to your ears as the Bokoblins are caught in the ensuing blast, blowing them all upwards and outwards out of town as paper shreds. In fact, upon all of you looking around, the entire shop was basically non existent at this point, save for the counter itself.

“Geez, this is one sturdy counter.” You comment to yourself as you give it a tap, it barely even moved. "No wonder why Link couldn't even break wood with a sword, super sturdy."

“Enjoy the decor later, Conan, we have our way through the town now! Let’s hurry on to the tower before anypony else shows up. Also, those puns were simply terrible. Like, I think I lost my dinner after that. I’m serious too, just up and left and got blown to smithereens with the rest of the pork chops.”

“Or maybe you just had EXPLOSIVE diarrhea, Hahahah!” Man what a good pun, so good in fact that everyone looked at you like were a gross idiot and… Oh geez, ok… Maybe you went too far. “Erm… Let’s just go.”

“Yeah, erm… Anon.” Moonlight moved over to you, and whispered these words to your ear “Don’t ever say that kind of thing around my parents, or when you’re at a dinner party with them. I think my Mother would disown you forever if you said that... Or something worse.”

C-cripes… Ok then. “N-noted.”

And with that, you all ran back to the center of town, now devoid of the Bokoblin militia. After that, you head back down the main road, towards the tower’s outer field, where the tower itself stood in the back with its horrifying aura.

Author's Note:

So it doesn't keep all the rolls it seems. But Basically, Diamond made a decent first roll when talking to the bokoblins, only to critical fail on the next line of dialogue. Spike made an ok roll for a weak shield to protect Diamond while Discord made a much better roll of 16 to hold back the hoard of Bokoblin.

Diamond's smoke bomb roll of eight was simply not enough to make a full evasion of the Bokoblins, but the escape into the shop got a roll of sixteen, a good enough roll given there was still some smoke to cover their entrance.

The final roll was on Spike's ember, which given he's a dragon, he'd only need to roll a one to fuck up making a tiny spark to light a fuse in the first place. well, maybe a two too.

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