• Published 16th Jun 2018
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 2) - CrazedLaughter

With the exodus of Chrysalis, Anon's life finally starts to go back to normal. Or rather, as normal as it can be when being the adopted son of the spirit of chaos. But new problems await him. What they are? Who knows...

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Chapter 37 - Professor Anon

Upon returning home, you had a few choices available to you. Go to Bonbon’s or go see Twilight. True, you were going to do both anyway, but the temptation to ask to be a professor at the school was growing within you. But, these thoughts are broken when you could hear heavy machinery coming through your floor door. “Huh?” You hop off your bed and head towards it, opening it to peer downward.

There wasn’t much of a sight, just the usual oddities. But you did see Discord, donned in a suit and sunglasses and using a cell phone, pacing angrily around the trap door to the basement. “What do you mean you won’t have the snacks for the concession stand ready for tonight?! Don’t you realize Anon takes forty chapters just to go to the bathroom? That should leave you ample-Hmm? What? No, no… I can’t actually think of a time I’ve seen him use a bathroom, but my point still stands! If the stand isn’t ready by tonight, I’ll have your beard!” Discord growls as he hangs up the cell phone, and throws it to the ground, causing it to explode. “I swear, magically created clones are so lazy these days.”

Well, it seemed he was taking tonight very seriously, in his own way anyway. You decide to slowly close the door and head to your portal door, opening up to the city hall setting once again, near the center of Ponyville. You step through to make a trek towards the castle, but luck manages to favor you as you see Twilight walking by nearby, accompanied by Rarity. If anything, that makes things easier. They seemed to be heading towards the direction of the spa, which given Rarity’s presence, was probably exactly where they were headed. You decide to slowly follow, and trail from behind unnoticed by dashing behind poles and bushes to listen on their conversation.

“...Trust me, darling. You’ll feel like a new mare after all this. Really, you shouldn’t stress yourself too much about yesterday or Discord’s vulgar little stunt. Anon and Scootaloo are quite alright, so no need to worry about that. As for the statue, well, at least it was lemonade.” You could hear Rarity trying to pep up Twilight, who upon closer inspection, seemed pretty stressed out.

“I know, I know it was all part of the show, but it seemed so real and so dangerous to put those two through that, especially Scootaloo. As for Discord, ugh, UGH, that was worse than vulgar! And to even suggest using it as the centerpiece of the school?! Sometimes he just goes too far, especially these days. Rarity, I’m telling you, Anon has something to do with it, Discord would have never done something… egh, that gross.” Twilight whined, acting like a little bitch as far as you were concerned. How bad was it that she had to blame you?!

“And I told you I’d hear no such thing. Yes, Anon is a little rough around the edges, but he’s a good and courteous colt as far as I’m concerned. Besides, given the statue’s expression, it was clearly all Discord’s idea, I highly doubt Anon had anything to do with it. Twilight, I know you’re a little high strung right now, but you can’t both worry about him AND accuse him with such baseless accusations. Why would you even suggest such a thing?” Rarity asked. Yeah! Rarity stepping up to defend you! Well, you did know about the statue, but you had nothing to do with it, so Twilight could, in fact, fuck off.

“I… Hmmm. I guess I’m just not thinking clearly.” Or Twilight was still keeping the full truth about you a secret. Many in your friends and friends’ circles knew of your origin, but not of your age, so of course Rarity still thought of you as an innocent colt. Which you were, for the most part. It also was pretty much your cue to come in.

“Girls! Hey! Hey! What’s up!” You yell out with cheer, bouncing from the bushes behind before they notice, and trotting over to Rarity’s side to give her a quick nuzzle “Hey Twilight! Good Afternoon, Miss Rarity! I hope you both have been having a wonderful day today!”

“Awww, good afternoon, Anon. And yes, I have, and so will Twilight once I get her to the spa. She’s been having a bad couple of days, you see, and needs a little freshening up.” Rarity explains as she stops to give you a friendly little headpat.

Twilight’s ear flicked as she looked at you both with suspicion, and yet with some relief. She was torn with being happy to see you physically alright, while still suspecting you of wrongdoing. But it seems better judgement won with her this time as she greets you with a friendly demeanor “Hello, Anon”

“Heya, Twilight!” You look over to her with a cheery grin. You could be an asshole, but you needed to butter her up just a bit to increase your chances with what you were about to ask. “I hope what happened with the test didn’t scare you or anything. I mean, I knew Scoots and I could handle it. And whatever else is worrying you, don’t even worry about it. I mean, think of it this way, Now you get to hang out with one of your best friends at the greatest spa in Equestria! That’s pretty awesome if you ask me.”

“Well well, now that’s the kind of optimism everypony needs nowadays.” Rarity once again gives you a gentle little headpat. “See, Twilight? You’re stressing over nothing. Speaking of stress. Anon, I’m sure all that training and whatnot has left you rather fatigued as well, would you like to accompany us to the spa? My treat.”

Ohhhhh, that was an offer you felt you shouldn’t refuse. But dammit, you did make plans with Discord and you didn’t know how long you’d be with Bonbon, as you knew she’d get on your case the moment you mention Chrysalis. You felt bad for rejecting, but you were sure she’d understand if you still sounded cheery. “Sorry, Miss Rarity, but I have a few important things I have to do today, but would I be able to take a rain check on that, maybe? Oh!...” IDEA! “For me and erm… Diamond, maybe?”

Rarity stopped for a moment, and then gave you a rather tricky grin “Oho, I see what you’re doing, Anon.” She let out a soft chuckle “Alright, I accept. I could make it as part of your false honeymoon after the false wedding. You won’t even need to pay me back, as the blossoming young love you two share will be payment enough.”

Fucking score! You were sure Diamond would be ecstatic to spend the day at the spa with you, getting relaxed and extra cozy with you and… erm… ho boy, things might get steamy. Still, thanks to Rarity, you not only scored a relaxing afternoon, but a relaxing afternoon you get to share with Diamond.

Though, thinking about it now, and the childishness of it all being part of a false honeymoon. It made you realize that the love she has for you, most of all, is genuine. It made you feel that perhaps you should use that time at the spa to get to know each other a little better, non sexually. Sure, you both had been close for awhile, but you really should get to know more about her likes and dislikes and such. She may be a foal, but there’s more to her than just being a Rich with a dream of becoming a princess. Noted.

You take a bow, appreciative of her generosity “Thank you, Miss Rarity, you’re always way to kind to me. I really appreciate the offer.”

“You’re very much welcome, Anon. It’s a pleasure to be of service.” Rarity herself, does a cute little curtsy towards you. Though, looking at Twilight, she was once again looking at you with slight suspicion. Christ, you had a feeling she’d say no given that look. But hell, if you present her with logic, she may very well come around.

“Again, thank you. Um, actually, it’s good that I ran into you two. Well mostly Twilight anyway. I wanted to ask her a question about her school.” You keep up the cheery act, hoping a positive attitude would help your chances at least by a little bit.

“Hrm? Oh?” And that immediately catches Twilight’s attention, and positively so too, and she suddenly becomes happy and energetic “Did you change your mind about the invitation, Anon?”

“Er, sorta? I was actually wondering if you’d, well, given the fact I managed to reform quite a few dangerous foes and become their friends and all, um, y’know… Ahrm” Just let it out, Anon! You look towards Twilight, and give her a confident look along with a commanding stance “I’d like to become a professor at your school. I think I have the experience to teach, what I’d like to call, alternative friendship techniques. In other words, ways of friendship that are additive to the six basic elements that could help those who might have trouble understanding said elements.”

“What? Anon, I can’t let you become a professor at my school.” Twilight says, surprised by your sudden question “Especially since the elements themselves are a proven method of friendship!”

Did she just ignore everything you just said? “Sure, but it doesn’t always work! C’mon, we had this discussion before and we even agreed the school could help those who might have the same troubles Tempest and Starlight did. Well, who better to help them but the guy who can manage it in the first place?” C’mon Twilight, even you can’t deny that shit. What argument could she possibly dish out at you?

“Anon, that doesn’t mean you’re qualified to teach. The kinds of students we’ll be having will be from across the entire world, many who may have not even heard of the elements in the first place. It’s important for them to learn about the elements over anything else to help them along the path of friendship. You can join along with them, but I can’t let you teach them your ways.” Twilight explains. She wasn’t angry, but she was adamant on not letting you teach at her school.

“Twilight, to be fair, you…” Dammit, your eyes shifted to Rarity’s, who was observing and already becoming growingly distraught at the situation. As if she could feel the tempers rising. You wanted to slam the whole Yak thing back at her again, as well as losing to Tempest, Starlight, and apparently pissing off those Hippogriff things. You did, but you didn’t want to upset Rarity. “You don’t know that for sure. I’m not flaunting my title here, I’m merely saying sometimes the elements aren’t enough, and you know I have methods others have never even thought of here in Equestria. Doesn’t that at least warrant me a chance?”

Twilight shakes her head, still remaining calm “Anon, I’m not saying what you managed to do isn’t impressive. But it has no place in my school. I’m sure if you took the classes, you’d understand that. You could at least give that a chance, right?”

What?! Fuck her! You already knew enough about the fucking elements, what else was there for you to learn?! “Twilight, I practically understand all the elements as well as I understand basic math, it's all elementary to me at this point. Hence why I feel my class could ADD to the elements, really help those who want to further better themselves beyond just knowing the elements.”

Both you and Twilight looked to each other, with Twilight readying herself for her next set of words. But Rarity, sensing the tension between the two of you, decides to speak up. “If I may interject, and indeed throw in my own opinion, I’d say you’re both correct”

Wuh? Both you and Twilight look to her, confused by her words.

“Well, think about it. Twilight does have a point, as is there another not mentioned. The school hasn’t even opened yet, therefore it is a new frontier for not just it’s future students, but for us as well. We ourselves don’t have any experience actually teaching as professors, yet all of us are working hard to come up with a curriculum centered around the elements of harmony. To say the least, to further add on an alternative class from the get go might be confusing for everycreature. Then there’s the fact that you are rather too young to teach, Anon, and I mean that with no disrespect. I simply mean it in a way that you are not only gaining experience in friendship, but in life too, in a way a foal usually does… Even if it’s out of the ordinary in your case. However, I do have to say that you are quite mature for your age, more than any other foal I’ve known. And your heroic deeds are genuine and great, especially when dealing with foes we as a team of six, could not. And truthfully, I would be interested to see your methods brought forth in the classroom. Perhaps, and this is only a suggestion, we could have a trial run of this class next year, after we’ve managed to settle in ourselves. That doesn’t sound too bad, now does it?”

A year? Well, if it was definite, that wouldn’t be too bad. “I… wouldn’t mind that.”

“Twilight? What do you think?” Rarity asked

“...” Twilight was silent, deep in thought. It took a few moments, but then she finally nodded and looked to you with a stoic glare “If he agrees to take the classes, then I’ll have something set up for him next year. Does that sound fair?”

G-guh?! Really?! REALLY?! Ngh… Why?! You didn’t need her stupid fucking classes, you already knew about the elements. You felt tense, you felt disgusted, and yet… Hell, if that's what it’d take, then she better fucking keep her end of the bargain. “Yeah, but no take backsies. Friends don’t lie to friends like that, right, Twilight?”

“...Right.” Twilight was a little hesitant on that, but she seemed to really want you to attend those classes, and so she bit the bullet. “In fact, if it’d make it easier on you, you could enroll a week after the school opens. Given we’d start with the basics you already know, there’d be no reason to take up your time with it. Just know that if you want that class, you’d have to be ready for school after that week.”

A week off, eh? Well, if it let you avoid the boring ass basics… “Deal!”

“Hurrah! See? Now everypony is happy. And with that, we really do need to be going, Twilight. Don’t want to wait too long, as the spa will be closing in an hour.” Rarity said, before looking at you with a smile, and then a wink. “As for you, Professor Anon, I’m already curious as to what your class will bring to the friendship table.” Heh, as in, she already felt you’d get through the year just fine.

“Don’t worry, I’ll have it all worked out by the end of the year. In any case, I don’t want to keep you two.” You bow to them “Goodbye Miss Rarity, Princess Twilight. And thank you for this opportunity.”

“I admit, I’m surprised you want to teach at all. But if you really mean it, and you’re willing to put in the effort, then you’re welcome, Anon, from the bottom of my heart.” Twilight says, with a sense of hope and serenity in her heart. As if she felt things would be ok thanks to you finally agreeing to take the classes. For you, you just managed to get what you wanted, even if you had to wait a fucking year. You all bid farewell to each other. And as they went off to the spa, you 180’d towards Bonbon’s house.

But, as you pass by the fountain, you hear a familiar adorable voice “Professor Anon, hi again!”

Wuh? You look back to see Cozy Glow, who was suspiciously ducking behind the fountain out of sight of Twilight and Rarity. You thought she left, why was she here? “Cozy Glow?”

She looked to you with a cheery smile, then raised her head and hovered up to see that Rarity and Twilight had gone before looking back at you “Mhmm! Just little ole me! Hi! How did it go with Princess Twilight, are you going to be teaching us when the school opens?”

Ok, that’s weird, was she trailing them? Or was she trailing you? Or did she really just wait here the entire time? How would she have trailed you, anyway? You just got here. “Uh, before I answer that, what are you doing here?”

“Oh! Hehe” She giggled, then looked left and right with suspicion “I noticed you were playing some kind of spy game, and I thought I’d play too! But then when I noticed you talking to Princess Twilight, I decided to hide here so I wouldn’t get caught. Or um…” She suddenly looked really confused “I guess I dunno how to really win the game actually. And since Princess Twilight walked away, I kinda guessed I won. So I thought I’d pop out and ask you if you got the job, since I think that is what you were talking to her about.” She said, giving you an innocent grin.

Well, that was convoluted as fuck. Is she a, well, a special needs pony or something? “I see, erm, well I didn’t get it unfortunately, at least not for this year. I kind of have to attend the school first before Twilight is willing to let me have a chance at teaching at her school. Not the best result, but all it means is I’ll have to show her that I have a real mastery over the six elements. That way Twilight knows that, y’know, that I’m the best. Sure, that sounds arrogant sounding, but I think I deserve a little recognition in the friendship department considering all I’ve done.” Indeed, you were agitated that Twilight still couldn’t see how well you managed yourself in the face of adversity, at least as far as friendship is concerned.

“Oh, I agree. I think you’re oh so amazing at it! I’d say super duper amazing! A lot more than… erm…” She suddenly looks down, feeling shameful “Me. I know we’re fwiends but… I feel like I haven’t done enough to show how much I appreciate you accepting me. Golly, I’m a really bad friend, aerwn’t I?” She looks at you, with tear filled eyes. Christ, she’s a super sensitive little thing.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry, alright? We just met, remember? Besides, it’s not like I’ve really done anything for you too. Look, Cozy Glow, friendship with me really is more of a ‘when you run into me’ type of thing. I’m always coming and going and that hasn’t really given you a chance to get to know me too well. I uh, I mean, if it means that much to you…” You open your saddlebag and look inside to give her something, a present, to hopefully cheer her up. Unfortunately, all you had were the usual stuff, and you weren’t about to hand her your grappling hook or wings. Hmmm…

Well, it’s not like you really needed it for anything else today. You put on your horn, and hold out your hoof as it begins to spark. Cozy Glow stares at your sparkling hoof, amazed “Ohhhh? What are you doing, Anon?”

“Forging a gift with my horn, looks pretty neat, huh?” You ask

“Mhmm, wowie, you do look pretty nifty being all cool and glowy like that. B-but a gift?” She suddenly seemed rather antsy “A-are you really using those super limited charges you have on me? Are you sure you should do that?”

“Heh, I see you know about my charges. Nah, it’s fine, they recharge every night at midnight, so it’s no big deal.” With focus, power, and ingenuity, you craft a doll of yourself onto your hoof. A little self serving, but it should let her know that she’ll always have a friend in you, even from a distance. “Here you go, a doll of me, to remind you that we’ll always be friends, no matter how far apart we are.” Oof, you almost grimaced at that last bit, you realized this action could easily have her develop a crush on you.

She looks at the doll for a moment, then grabs onto it and hugs it tightly, letting out an adorable “eeeee! I love it!” It was heartwarming to be sure. She hovered upwards, holding the doll as she cheerfully says “I’ll always make sure to take good care of it, Anon! You’re the bestest best friend ever! And I promise to always make sure to be the bestest friend to you!”

Ogh, oh yeah, maybe that was a little too much. You give her an unsure grin and an unsettled chuckle “T-that’s great, Cozy Glow. Um, just remember that we’re just friends, ok? Don’t want to overcomplicate things, right?”

“Oh… Because of your marefriend, right? No, no, I understand!” She slowly hovers down, gives you a wink, and then smiles brightly as she presses on her cheeks “I really do understand that you’re really lovey around each other, and I promise not to do anything to ruin that or make it seem that I am lovey with you. Just friends, I got it, weally I do. Erm… Actually” She then moves a little closer, seemingly excited to ask her next question “Would you mind if I followed you around right now? You seem super busy and I’d really not mind, really really not mind, helping you with whatever you need!”

Understanding, adorable, and wanting to be useful and helpful. This filly was a pretty good friend already, made you wonder why she had to go to Twilight’s school at all if she was this eager and nice. Hell, you almost accepted her offer right there and then, but then you remembered why you were going to Bonbon’s. It seemed so hurtful to you to decline her offer that your ears folded as you prepared to give her the bad news. “Sorry, Cozy, this is kind of a thing I gotta do alone. But, we will be running into each other a lot more in the future it seems, so we could probably work as partners on some project or something. That ok with you? I mean, it’s not you or anything, it’s just that I’m doing-”

And then she cuts you off, seemingly unphased by your hesitance to bring her along “Secret hero work? Gee willikers, and here I was being selfish and nearly ruining things. But don’t you worry, Anon, I understand.” She salutes to you, with a militaristic stare “And you can count on me on not being an annoying or overbearing friend. I fuwwy understand, and I promise to never get in your way or make your marefriend jealous. As your friend, I will always do my best.” She then looks to you with a shy giggle, then presses on her cheeks once again “Was that a good way to make a promise?”

Yeah, actually, that pretty much covers all your bases. Wow, why couldn’t the CMC be this on point. Well, Scootaloo mostly was, but not the other two. “That was perfect, Cozy. Anyway, I gotta go, but I promise to meet up with you the moment I can, alright?”

“Ok! You take care, alright, Anon? And don’t stress yourself either, you look awfully worried” She said as she gave you a gentle pat on the head.

Did you? Then again, you were about to share some rather sensitive information on Chrysalis with someone who could either be a major help or a major hindrance. It was a gamble, but if Bonbon really cared about you enough, then you were sure she’d keep it all a secret from the likes of Twilight and the others. “It’s fine, just worried about a few silly things. I get like that sometimes.”

“Oh, ok. Well, good luck then! Can’t wait to see you again!” She happily waved to you, doll held close.

You say your goodbyes, and head off to Bonbon’s. You felt a little more optimistic than you’d usually be. Maybe that was thanks to Cozy Glow and her understanding yet incredibly cheerful nature. Hell, she seemed pretty smart too, given she knew to keep a romantic distance from you. You’d have to see about inviting her to the fake wedding, if only to make the poor little thing feel more included, and hopefully allow her to make friends.

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