• Published 16th Jun 2018
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 2) - CrazedLaughter

With the exodus of Chrysalis, Anon's life finally starts to go back to normal. Or rather, as normal as it can be when being the adopted son of the spirit of chaos. But new problems await him. What they are? Who knows...

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Chapter 85 - The Hyrule Campaign Part 5

“Of all the sessions, in all the campaigns, I don’t think I had ever suffered such a humiliating defeat. Yes, Anon has suffered many in the few games he has played, but me? Oh, I suppose it’s true what they say… It has to happen at least once.” Wuz said as he took a chug of health potion given to him by Garbuncle.

“Don’t even…” You say, annoyed at such a prospect as you take a swig of another potion provided by Garbuncle. “At least I can say I get obliterated by dice rolls. You? You just walked up to the guy and let yourself get slapped. For an archer? That’s more humiliating than anything I’ve ever suffered.”

“...Including getting cleaved in two by your marefriend?” Wuz says as he looks to you, smirking as he rests his head on his paw.

“I… Yeah, fuck off, you all don’t have to keep mentioning that.” You growl as you down the rest of the potion and fall on your back. “Whatever, at least the guy is beat. Weird that there’s a helmet under that helmet though, you think Spike and Diamond can figure it out?” Indeed, you and Discord had somehow ended up getting the most hurt, and sat back to recover while Diamond and Spike investigated the living armor.

“Ah, if you mean Garbuncle, he should be able to with his detection spells and Moonlight’s investigative abilities.“ Wuz takes a short breath, stays silent for a moment, then begins to speak in a softer manner. “She was worried there, once again fearing she ruined the game for everypony.”

Hm? Was he talking about after the battle? Yeah, Diamond was heavily apologetic for dropping the bomb twice. Luckily, Spike was pretty cool about it, saying it was probably revenge from the dice gods for his lame bomb puns. And you and Discord were able to explain to her that sometimes it just happens, and reminded her that she still took the damn thing out while the rest of the party was down. That alone was enough to pick her up and… Er, maybe make her a bit cocky about it. What was odd though, was Discord taking the moment to actually sound like a caring Dad. He’s done it before, yes, but this was more as if he had more of a… Family.

“I mean, two critical misses is pretty bad. That was partly the reason I wanted to quit myself, I kinda got sick of always rolling them. I guess… That makes me sound butthurt, huh?” Yeah, saying it now, it really did.

Discord chuckled “A little, but I can’t say I’m feeling a little burn on the posterior as well when it came to being crit shotted. It’s why, in the end, I love this game. All at the roll of a die, its own kind of chaos. But something is different about tonight, and do you know what that is?”

“Heh, let me guess, we’re playing as a family? Funny, I thought you’d save those feelings for if Fluttershy ever wanted to play.” You said, caught a little off guard by Discord’s current mannerisms.

“I did too… But I guess all this future marriage business has opened my heart to allowing another member of the family in. Besides, look how quickly she got used to the game, especially given her proper background. It makes me so proud…” Discord said as a tear appeared in his eye. He sniffed, then took a moment to wipe it from his eye. “She’s a keeper, Anon, for sure. Not that I would know, but you know.”

“Yeah, heh. Y’know, at first, I didn’t really want to deal with all this actual love business. But it isn’t so bad. Sure, I gotta wait for the sexy stuff, but at least she’s kind of traditional in the way love works. Y’know, loyal… Not cheating on you or anything. That sort of thing.” You say, looking to Diamond with a soft smile, actually happy to be able to be at her side.

“I know, probably a good thing she never prys into your personal thoughts too. Or else being split in half would be the least she would do to you.” Discord says, having a small laugh at the hilarity of it.

“Ugh… Way to ruin the mood, Discord.” You say with a groan, resting back and looking up at the dead dark sky. “And the mood this place is giving off isn’t good to begin with.”

“Yes, it is quite dreary. Though, it seems Garbuncle and Moonlight may have discovered something about our armored friend. Who knows, maybe their discovery will lighten things up.” Wuz said as he slowly stood up, wiping the dirt off his tunic as he began to walk forward, with you getting up to follow from behind.

“And you’re sure you know nothing about why it isn’t… Y’know, paper or anything?” You inquired. It really was odd that it was an actual suit of tough metal armor.

“Not in the slightest. I am interested though, very interested. It seems when creating this entire campaign that I may have let my control slip and overdo things.” Discord lets out a sheepish, and yet somehow confident, chuckle “Oh dear, it means ANYHTING can happen at this point”

Which lets you give out a nervous chuckle of your own. “Ha...Ha? And why do you make it sound like a good thing? I’ve already taken enough of an ass beating today, Discord, and…” Oh god, something just hit your brain that made you feel not only gross, but would kill any boner you would have had at this very moment. “Please tell me you didn’t go overboard with enemy types. I’d rather not be surprised vore’d by a goddamn Like-Like”

“Then you better keep on your hooves then, because even I won’t know what to expect at this p-” Discord stops when he finally notices what caught Spike and Diamond’s attention. “-oint? Uh huh, I was only being half serious about what I just said. But that is certainly unexpected.”

There was a pony knocked out within the armor, the helmet that was under the large helmet of the Iron Knuckle thrown to the floor. It seemed the under-helmet was indeed normal pony sized, though its reasoning to be and why it was used under the larger helmet was unknown. What was known was that the pony within the armor was none other than…

“Holy Celestia, is that Applejack?!” Spike gasped in surprise. “It is, isn’t it?! What is she doing here?!”

“Oh my gosh! Oh no! I called an element of harmony an idiot! Even worse, its Applebloom’s sister! I’m soooooooooo sorry! I didn’t mean to… Wait.” Diamond, in her fearful shock, came to a stop when she realized something. “I just beat an Element of Harmony. Does that mean I level up, or that I’m just straight better than Applejack?”

“Probably both, but let’s just make sure that is indeed Applejack.” Discord said “Her mane doesn’t have the ponytail and she’s missing the hat.”

“Yeah, that is kind of weird, could be a mimic for all we know. So how are we going to figure out it’s her?” You ask. Why would Applejack be in that armor? How did she get in there? Was that even her? If it was, it explains why the armor was real.

“Easy…” Discord immediately pulls out a huge megaphone and points it directly at Applejack. “APPLEJACK! IS THAT YOU?!”

“WHAT IN TARNATION?!” Applejack nearly shot out the armor like a bullet, her entire body vibrating from the gigantic blast of noise that caused the rest of you to cover your ears. Like holy shit, that was fucking overkill. Even with covering your ears, they were ringing inside your head.

“Hm, she said ‘tarnation’, guess it is her.” Discord said with a gentle laugh as he tosses the megaphone off the drawbridge and into the lava below.

“Applejack? What are you doing here? How did you end up in that armor? I didn’t even know you played O&O.” Spike was in disbelief at what he was seeing. Sure, Big Mac may have not seemed the type to play the game either, but he was still much more likely to play than fucking no nonsense Applejack.

“Play what now? Ugh…” Applejack groaned as she began to rub her right hoof in her ear. “What even was th- Discord?! What are ya up to this time? What’s the big idea knockin’ me out like that?!” Applejack immediately looked to Discord with disdain, and even ready to buck him the moment she saw him.

“Excuse me?” Discord said, looking at her with a now unamused expression as he raises an eyebrow. “What I’m up to is playing O&O with my family and Spike. And I have no idea what you're saying with that last part…” Discord then looks to Spike with a shrug “Seriously, I don’t, her accent is so thick.”

“There ain’t nothin’ wrong with the way I talk, Discord. And I ain’t fallin’ for yer tricks neither. You know darn well I know what yer silly game is and if ya expect me to believe that’s what’s goin’ on here then you must think I’m dumber than a cat in a dog pen.” Oh yeah, you could even see steam coming out of Applejack’s nostrils, she was pissed.

“But uhhh, Applejack, that’s exactly what we’re doing. We didn’t know you were in the game, honest.” Spike assures her while putting his hand to his chest like he was some sort of boy scout. “Discord, you didn’t do this as a prank, right? I mean, the only other way she could have ended up here is if she walked inside the pocket space. Wouldn’t know how she ended up in that armor, but either way…” Spike then looks back to Applejack, sure that Discord was innocent. “I’m not going to go accusing Discord of anything until I see some proof he did something wrong. And yeah, I know he’s usually shifty when he has done something wrong, but the guy just took a crit without trying to change the roll, which means he's been pretty honest the entire adventure.”

“And what does that even mean?” Applejack asked, utterly lost in what Spike meant on that last part.

Maybe it was that moment you just had with Discord, added to the fact you do care about him, but you really didn’t like Applejack accusing him without proof… Even if it was odd that she was here at all. “It means he’s been legit all night. And Spike is right, the only real way to get here is by stepping through the border between Equestria and this pocket dimension. Which then begs the question, what are YOU doing here? As in, why come to the castle?”

“Ah came to get some rest. Girls have been making a ruckus and yet Granny Smith doesn’t even want me tellin’ them to simmer down. No idea why, but it got me thinking the only way I’m gonna get any sleep was to stick it out with Twilight and…” Applejack stops for a moment, as if her mind was retracing her steps. “...Hrm, It was pretty dark out in the Cutie Map Room…”

“So what you’re saying is that you may have stepped in here by accident?” You ask, as that seemed to now be the most logical way she got into Hyrule… Although that didn’t explain being stuffed inside that armor.

“...Well, Hmph.” Applejack lets out a dismissive grunt as she raises her head in defiance “Even if ah did, it is mighty irresponsible to be makin’ portals in a place everypony has got to pass through to get anywhere in Twilight’s castle. In fact, ah think that was on purpose. Y’all still haven’t explained how I got knocked out and stuffed in that tin can.”

Diamond, surprisingly enough, was slowly and very obviously getting tired of Applejack’s accusations towards Discord. To her, that was already a second father to her thanks to you, and element or not, she would not have anyone speaking against him unless there was some sort of proof. But she remained calm and courteous, as this was still an element, a friend of a princess she respected. “Maybe Ganon stuffed you in there, he is the guy we’re going to smash after all, so it makes sense he captured you and made you his guard… A guard I beat, by the way. Yeah, he’s the kind of uncool slimeball pig that would do that sort of thing… I think.”

“We’ve also always played our sessions in the main hall anyway, Applejack. I don’t want to really take sides here, but you should have been more careful.” Spike felt like he was walking on eggshells at this point. To him, it did sound like Applejack was in the wrong, but he didn’t want to upset her further either.

“Ah said it was dark, didn’t I? And besides, ah don’t even know who this feller Ganon is and ah don’t care anymore. Ya’ll say it ain’t Discord’s fault? Fine, I’m willin’ to accept that, maybe I should have been more careful… Maybe. Now somepony point me to the exit, Ah gotta get my rest for tomorrow morning.” The usually stubborn Applejack was actually willing to give Discord a free pass, if only because she wanted to get some sleep. But you could tell, you could just tell, that she still blamed Discord and thought he did something underhanded to trap her in that armor.

“Hmph, before we do anything else, I think I deserve an apology.” Discord said as he put his arms to his hips, looking to Applejack for the words he wanted to hear. “I’ve been honest and yet I can tell you still blame me anyway. It's very hurtful.” Discord, of course, wasn’t truly looking for an apology. He just wanted to make Applejack do something she didn’t want to do for his own amusement. But of course, being the stubborn horse she truly was…

“I ain’t apologizing for nothin! How are ya even gonna ask for any sort of apology when me endin’ up in that thing is definitely yer fault! Yer magic, yer fault, Discord, and I ain’t havin’ none of it!” Fuck, Applejack really was pissed off. Normally, you’d probably understand as you’d probably be pretty pissed off too being stuffed inside such stuffy armor while trying to get some sleep, but you truly believed Discord had nothing to do with it and felt her accusations were uncalled for. Hell, you could even see Diamond was getting further upset by her rage. So fuck it…

“Hold on! Hooold on! Ok, Applejack, relax. I get it and I understand. Let me talk to my Dad, one on one, and get this settled, ok? And then we’ll get you sent back.” You tell her, hoping this would calm her down some.

“Finally… Thank you, Anon, at least you understand how important a good night’s sleep is.” Applejack said, giving a quick stink eye to Discord as she genuinely thanked you.

“Yeah… C’mon, Dad, let’s go talk.” Yep, you didn’t really like Applejack’s attitude towards Discord. Plus, as you thought about it, the campaign was already turning out more difficult than you thought. So you take Discord aside and a small distance away from the tower, and begin to speak one on one with him.

“Are you really taking her side, Anon? Are you serious?! If I was responsible for her being here, then I’d obviously being toying with her at this moment. And while I understand her not believing me…” Discord suddenly wraps a toga around his tunic as a rubber knife sticks out of his back “Et tu, Anon?”

“Relax, Discord, geez, I’m on your side here. Just be honest with me, you really had nothing to do with sticking her in that armor?” You ask, having to make absolutely sure he had nothing to do with it.

“Remind yourself that she managed to crit shot me, and then wonder if you had to even think of asking that question.” Discord said, tapping his foot at you impatiently.

Well, actually… That does sound pretty truthful. Discord wouldn’t have put Applejack in an armor only to be one shotted by her. “Ok ok, I get it, sorry. So, let me ask you this then, you just wanna force her to play with us, right?”

“Annnnnnnd why would I want that country bumpkin to play with us? And don’t even try to remind me about Big Mac being her brother, he is beyond compare when it comes to actually having good taste. Did you even hear what she was saying? She thinks the game is stupid! Why would I ever want to play with her?” Discord was flabbergasted, he really was wondering why the fuck you’d ask such a stupid question.

“Truthfully? We need a meat shield, we’re getting our asses handed to us and I don’t think we could take another beating. Given what we have gone through already, I don’t mind bringing her just to soak up the hits. Besides, she’s being a fuckface anyway.” You were irked by Applejack’s attitude. Hell, everyone was, she was just being a stubborn cunt.

“Anon!” Discord said in horrified surprise, even slapping his paw to his cheek. “Using Applejack as a meat shield? How terrible.”

“Wha?” You were actually perplexed by his reaction “I would have thought you’d be totally ok with it. What gives?”

“What else?” Discord shrugs “ I am feeling a large amount of compassion in my heart. Why, I’d even say your plan to use her like that is downright rotten. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t fully support your plan simply because it will be hilarious, but you really should know better... Ahh well, shame on me for not raising you better." Discord said with a snicker as he began to rub his talons and paw together.
"Oh yesss, this will be top notch humor. Let’s see…” Discord pondered to himself for a moment, then raised a talon as an idea donned on him. “Ah! I got it! All we have to do is simply explain that there is no way out of this campaign until it’s finished. A lie, I know… But she’s such a gullible stick in the mud that she will undoubtedly believe it.”

“HA! Perfect! Ok then, that should make sure we get through this tower and whup Ganon’s ass without any problems. Now let’s go give her the good news.” Ohhhh baby, this was gonna be funny as fuck.

And so you both returned to the group. Applejack still looked pretty ticked about being stuck in some armor and trapped in a pocket dimension, though her tone of voice was considerably calmer by now. “So, it’s settled? Can I go now?”

“Ummm, actually…” You fake a cringing grimace as you shift your eyes to the side “Turns out…”

“That I may have REALLY overdid my magic on this little adventure. Seems none of us, not even yours truly, can leave until the campaign is resolved. Sorry about that…” Discord said with a sheepish chuckle, almost sounding facetious

“WHAT?! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN’T LEAVE UNTIL THE CAMPAIGN IS RESOLVED?!” Spike jumped up in absolute panic. Diamond though? She was just looking on, curious as silent. "THERE'S SCHOOL TOMORROW! I CAN'T BE TRAPPED IN HERE! TWILIGHT WILL NEED ME!"

“R-relax, Spike, let me explain. It’s errr… Kinda like when I overdo my magic. Just uh, welp… turns out Dad can make the same mistake, right Dad?” You look to him, looking rather sheepish yourself.

“Right… Very embarrassing. It seems, Applejack, you’ll need to join us on our quest. Strength in numbers, am I right?” Discord says with a shrug, looking at her with a more dishonest grin.

“Ohhh no, I ain’t gonna get any more tied up in this rodeo. Ahm gonna sit right here until y’all finish whatever y’all gotta do.” Applejack said as she plopped her butt on the ground. “And if ya find mah hat, make sure ya bring it to me safe and sound.”

“Actually, Applejack, Discord is kind of right. If you join our party, we’ll have a better chance at winning the game. We can just kind of copy Big Mac’s character over to you, and give you a new name.” Spike explained, fully in agreement with Discord’s plan.

“I ain’t playing this stupid kid’s game. I don’t mind a little fun once in awhile, but this whole place is a fantasy y'all are wastin’ time in, especially with how important things are for tomorrow… Spike, ahm surprised at ya, y’know you need a good night’s sleep to help Twilight out tomorrow, she’s really gonna need your help.” Applejack said, stomping her hoof down to help emphasize her point.

“Stupid?” Discord growled, his eyes flaring up as he looked to Applejack with anger. Spike, just kind of looking away at the shame of it.

“W-woah, hold on… Relax…” You tell Applejack, but really, you mean your words for Discord as you shoot him a quick glance, still talking to Applejack as you do so. “'Stupid' is a little harsh, isn’t it? I mean, Big Mac does play the game too.”

“And ahm only really ‘ok’ with it because he at least is responsible enough to get his rest. Unlike Discord here, who is so irresponsible he trapped us all in here for Celestia knows how long. I ain’t doing with this, no way, no how. I’m gonna try to rest right here until this whole thing is over.” Applejack said, being ridiculously stubborn at this point.

“Don’t you think you’re being unreasonable?” You finally ask. Sure, fine, she was upset, but goddamn!

“Only one unreasonable ‘round here is your dad. No offense, Anon, but all this happening ain’t no coincidence. He loves to cause trouble, and given the fact we can’t even leave? Oh yeah, I know he ain’t up to no good… I can just tell.” Applejack says, as she narrows her eyes towards Discord, eyeing him up and down to see if he was being outwardly distrustful.

Fuck… Well, she did have some right to be this upset. But fuck man, she’s being a bitch! And looking at Discord, you knew he loved the attention, but this was the one time he was getting sick of Applejack's sass.

All of you were silent though, Discord though, looked like he was finally gonna pop off. But then, out of nowhere… “That’s it! I can’t stay quiet anymore! You may be an element, and Applebloom’s sister, but I won’t let you insult Daddy Discord like that! That’s almost like insulting my Anon! Also, this game is really really fun! How could you not want to play? Ok, so Daddy Discord made a small mistake, it doesn’t mean you should be all mean about it. And, everypony is right, if you come and help us, we’ll get out of here that much quicker. You have to play.”

“My A-, Diamond Tiara?! That’s you? Does your Daddy know you’re here this late instead of sleepin’ for school tomorrow? Oh gosh, Discord, are you serious?! You even got an inn-” But Applejack is cut off as Diamond hops up in a rage of her own.

“Don’t ignore me! And stop insulting my future Daddy-in-law! I will not have that in my presence! So now, two things are going to happen. You’re going to refer to us as our character names, and you’re totally gonna march your butt right into that tower! Or else!” Diamond barked, hopping up and down while she pointed at Applejack.

Applejack simply raised an eyebrow, she was in disbelief that even Diamond, the daughter of Filthy Rich, was somehow in on this. She thought the little bat was just part of the game, not Diamond herself. “... Or else what?”

Diamond gives her a dark smirk, and hovers upwards to whisper something in her ear. Applejack’s face, as this went on, went from annoyed to utter despair, her coat turning slightly white as her ears fold downwards, her pupils shrinking to peas. She then looks to Diamond, who went back to the ground with a cocky smirk on her face, and asked. “A-are ya s-serious?” In which Diamond just nodded to that with a self satisfied smile on her face. Applejack, now looking utterly spooked, just looked to the party silently for a moment… And then started making her way to the tower entrance. “Well, what are y’all waiting foreth? Let us goeth into this tower, ya’ll...eth” Applejack said with fake cheer as she walked.

What… in the fuck? WHAT IN THE FUCK?! Holy shit, all three of you just looked to Diamond with utter shock and surprise at what she just accomplished! How?! How in the…

“...How did you do that?!” Spike asked, amazed. “Nopony else is able to get Applejack to not be stubborn, so how did you…?”

Diamond just walked over to you, nuzzled under your neck a bit, and then looked to Spike, still smiling that smarmy smile. “My Daddy has a business relationship with Sweet Apple Acres, and it’s very important for the Apple family to retain that relationship. So… All I had to do was tell her that I’d beg Daddy to end his business with them, that’s all.”

FUCKING JESUS! “Were you really going to do that? I mean, over all this?”

“Of course not, my silly hunk of a colt” Diamond says as she gives you a sultry yet dominating snicker “I’m just bluffing. Daddy would never EVER actually do that, no matter how much I asked. Doesn’t mean I still can’t SAY that he would though. Now, come on! We have an adventure to see through!” Diamond, or rather, Moonlight said as she excitingly began to follow Applejack towards the tower doors.

Discord, still in shock, just slowly looked over to you and said in a calm fashion. “Anon, I expect grandchildren. Do you hear me? Grandchildren, with that soon to be mare, you better make that happen. You better make me a Grandadonequus, I swear.”

“...Yeah… Will do…” Like holy shit, that was fucking hot. OH god, did you like her more when she was acting more aggressive and kinda like her old self? Maybe? Ohhh, and that bat form… UGGHHH, just live with it, Anon, you only have to wait like eight more years… Right? Even then… Way too long.

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