Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
The Crystal Empire, Part 1
Dear Princess Celestia,
Well, that was quite the summer. It all started with finally getting the sexual satisfaction I'd been craving for the past two years. Shining was incredible! I lost track of how many times he made me climax. Cadance didn't taste too bad either. It was the best night I've ever had in my life. Then I spend the next two months trying to make it happen again. My amazingly sexy brother had to go ruin the ride because of 'social norms'. He made Cadance perform a memory spell on him to make him forget that night. So between stalking him with weekly letters asking him for some, I've been looking through my spellbooks for a reverse memory spell. Sorry, but you don't just FORGET a mind-blowing screw like that. I know it was good for him too.
So what do you do to take my mind off it? You give me a test. So you've finally decided to see if I was better off in Ponyville away from your school. So here I was trying to remember how this place sucks, yet infinitely better than Canterlot, when Fax Machine told me to relax. Yeah, relax! That's what I was trying to do with this summer's unsuccessful sexcapades. I got so pissed that even the tree jumped from the bitchslap I gave him.
So I go to Canterlot to get this test, which turns out really isn't a test. It's more of a mission. Yep, another mission for Twilight and company because Celestia gets her ass handed to her. I even saw the look on Luna's face, like she was almost pouting because she wanted to go and help, but I'm guessing you were punishing her because she stayed in her bedroom playing video games during the changeling invasion of the wedding. But I'm sure she's grateful that her punishment isn't more severe. Remember that one time she got sent to the moon just because she wanted to spend time with others?
I think I heard something about a king, and love and joy. I wasn't sure. My mind stopped listening intently after I heard Crystal Meth Empire. By the moon, Pinkie finally has competition! Maybe if I can save this city from vanishing again, Pinkie's monopoly on drug trafficking will end, and we can finally work on cleaning up Ponyville!
After a short musical number and another slap to Fax Machine (that will teach him to sing backup on my songs) we board the train to the Crystal Meth Empire. Equestria's infrastructure is incredible. This city vanished one thousand years ago, and the railroad up to the north was in perfect shape. We got off the train into a raging blizzard, and met up with Shining Armor, who was cosplaying that one guy from that one movie. He hurries us along because 'the empire isn't the only thing that's returned'. How about you stop being so ominous and just spit it out! Something keeps trying to get in, you say? Maybe it's the unicorn king. Or maybe it's any sane pony who doesn't want to be out in this damn blizzard. Sheesh. Sure enough, this mass of shadows closes in on us, and we make a dash for the dome. We all make it through, but not before Shining got raped. So, he won't be ready to go again for several hours.
Meeting Cadance in the castle, she has the audacity to say that we need to meet up when the fate of Equestria isn't hanging in the balance. Oh, you mean like I was trying to do the entire summer for sexy fun times? Bitch. So the goal here is to find out how the crystal meth ponies protected themselves in the past. So...if I'm understanding this, they needed protecting even before a corrupt king rose to power? Because...that makes no sense at all. After not getting anything out of the stoned locals, we ransacked the library to find a history book. Apparently, out of all the drugs they manufactured, ecstasy wasn't one of them, so they needed to throw an annual fair to make themselves happy to protect themselves from harm. Give me a break. I've seen plenty of royal guards protecting you from harm, and they don't seem jolly at all. The entire fair was centered around something called the Crystal Heart. Remember Tom, Rarity's crush? Yeah, I took a hammer and chisel to his ass to make a replica, and put it in the center of town.
However, in all our research and thorough reading, we neglected to notice that the last page was missing from the history book. You'd think I would've caught that. Must be this drug-filled atmosphere. Cadance has been hitting up so long that her magic was starting to fade. The shield dropped, and Drug Lord Sombra closed in to retake his meth labs.
Uh oh.
Your didn't-see-the-tear-marks former student,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Celestia,
Any idea why my sister is writing me letters every week asking for a good rutting? It's starting to creep me out.
Sincerely,
Shining Armor
So good.
well shining when two people love each other very much...
Bwahaha!
Subject: Twilight Sparkle
Suffix title Obtained: "Somewhat Sexually Satisfied"
Preview: "Twilight Sparkle, the Somewhat Sexually Satisfied"
-Mis
OMG poor Shining. He's so confused!
We don't really do that... much... he's married now...
2116931 The chapter or the incestuous rutting?
: What do you think, dumbass?!
Huh, apparently Cadance and Shining Armor never thought to put that mind wipe spell on Twilight too.
Shining, Bunker. Now.
*Doctor* Mr. Armor I'm sorry to say you have...Gems.
That last bit with Shining's letter was the perfect cap.
2116954 The same thing I did in Season 2 episodes without Twilight: another character will write them.
2116955
I believe the words "Over your dead bodies" was used, then the hinting that aforementioned bodies would still be warm for a few hours if Twilight could get some satisfaction from the whole event. She then giggled when she said 'whole event'.
Shining Armor, you poor incestuous bastard.
2116954
Or did she? It's entirely possible Twilight just went nuts and imagined it, rather than Shining having had his memory wiped.
2116963 And they are truly truly outrageous...
"Crystal Meth Empire" This is the funniest FIMFiction comedy, and you just keeps going. I've seen many other stories with comedy tags on them but none deserve it like yours do. Keep it up. And please tell me more about Drug Lord Sombra.
Evidently sex with Twilight was so traumatizing that it took a memory wipe spell to heal from the experience.
I guess the old saying holds true ...
Like mentor like student
Shiny, you, your sister and I... MAY have had a threesome on our wedding night. And it was awesome.
And so begins season 3, and it was goood. Especially that ending there.
You're running out of episodes, Miles!
I lost at it
This week on Breaking Bad... Crystal Meth Empire.
Crystal Meth Empire
Oh, Shining...
can't wait to hear your take on the Wife-Toss (perhaps Shining found out about the honeymoon threesome?)
You know you're bad at fucking when it erases your partner's memory.
It was the brain doing its best to unsee what has been seen.
Next thing you know there's gonna be implied TwiArmor in the show and people are gonna complain about it.
(evil laughter)
Yay, more snarky Twilight insanity!!!!
"I'm guessing you were punishing her because she stayed in her bedroom playing video games during the changeling invasion of the wedding."
Win.
Heh that was pretty funny, can't wait to see how you handle Apple Family reunion. With all the members of the Apple Family visiting should be interesting. So far they have all been pretty funny.
I cracked up at this point. It took me ages to finally finish reading the chapter; I was laughing so damn hard I nearly died.
Huh, guess getting some didn't help so much after all.
Although, Twilight, you might get laid more if you were less unpleasant.
Shining, I thought you knew you sister was a crazy pervert.
2117218 That I am. Better talk to Hasbro and DHX about getting Season 4 out early.
That letter from Shining was pure funny!
cdn.derpiboo.ru/thumbs/1200/900/2012/12/06/03_45_59_799_173872__UNOPT__
Yeah... I didn't tell anypony... but um... I may have been there too... when Twilight and Shining... and Cadence... you know...
Good thing he doesn't remember...
2117507 But the fact that she isn't getting laid is why she's unpleasant!
You know i should laugh about Crytal meth empire and that everypony wants Shining Armor (even a villian shadow pony rapes him), but somehow the "tear marks" thingie at the end of Twi´s letter really got me.
No idea why, but my laughing/chuckling died the moment i readed that and my eyes went wide. Like i couldn´t really realize what i´ve read there.
TEH bitchy bitch Twilight Sparkle cried? There is actually some real chara developement hidden among all the jokes, slap-stick and funny remarks? Oh boy, now i can´t wait when you cover up the final episode in your fic!
hehehehumphha
What, no crack about Shining getting a horn STD from Sombra? For shame...
King Sombra of the Crystal Meth Empire:
ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTczMTY0MTMzOV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNDQxMTk4Nw@@._V1_SY317_CR0,0,214,317_.jpg
Shining's letter just did it in for me.
2118022
Not tear (teer) marks, tear (terr) marks, as in to tear, as in rip, used in a sentence...
"King Sombra laughed maniacally as he began to tear the page from the book."
2118127 Hey, crystal herpes is no laughing matter.
I saw that this story updated and went "Aw fuck how batshit insane is it?" I was not disappointed.
ohmygod
I just see Twilight doing this to Celestia soon lol
Crystal Meth Empire. Wow.
I these letters!
Yay gamer luna woooo
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
Has it never occured to you that perhaps some of those crystals could be used on your brother?
Your druglord overlord, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: And while you're at it, can I borrow your fax machine? I desire to set some of my sister's videogames on fire
Dear Shining Armor:
You should've married her too, or you wouldn't be in this mess
Your faithful Ruler, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: I've heard some of those crystals could be used on stallions to make them do their sister's bidding
By Pants, you incorporated them!
After seeing Shining get raped by Sombra I'm surprised Twilight didn't jump back through the shield and volunteer to hold Sombra off, you know, for the good of her friends.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&v=DtcSYPjJbgg&NR=1]
Edit: apparently youtube links aren't working for me, ah well look up "Monty Python castle anthrax peril" and it should pop up.