//------------------------------//
// The Crystal Empire, Part 1 
// Story: Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student 
// by milesprower06 
//------------------------------//

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Crystal Empire, Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, that was quite the summer. It all started with finally getting the sexual satisfaction I'd been craving for the past two years. Shining was incredible! I lost track of how many times he made me climax. Cadance didn't taste too bad either. It was the best night I've ever had in my life. Then I spend the next two months trying to make it happen again. My amazingly sexy brother had to go ruin the ride because of 'social norms'. He made Cadance perform a memory spell on him to make him forget that night. So between stalking him with weekly letters asking him for some, I've been looking through my spellbooks for a reverse memory spell. Sorry, but you don't just FORGET a mind-blowing screw like that. I know it was good for him too.

So what do you do to take my mind off it? You give me a test. So you've finally decided to see if I was better off in Ponyville away from your school. So here I was trying to remember how this place sucks, yet infinitely better than Canterlot, when Fax Machine told me to relax. Yeah, relax! That's what I was trying to do with this summer's unsuccessful sexcapades. I got so pissed that even the tree jumped from the bitchslap I gave him.

So I go to Canterlot to get this test, which turns out really isn't a test. It's more of a mission. Yep, another mission for Twilight and company because Celestia gets her ass handed to her. I even saw the look on Luna's face, like she was almost pouting because she wanted to go and help, but I'm guessing you were punishing her because she stayed in her bedroom playing video games during the changeling invasion of the wedding. But I'm sure she's grateful that her punishment isn't more severe. Remember that one time she got sent to the moon just because she wanted to spend time with others?

I think I heard something about a king, and love and joy. I wasn't sure. My mind stopped listening intently after I heard Crystal Meth Empire. By the moon, Pinkie finally has competition! Maybe if I can save this city from vanishing again, Pinkie's monopoly on drug trafficking will end, and we can finally work on cleaning up Ponyville! 

After a short musical number and another slap to Fax Machine (that will teach him to sing backup on my songs) we board the train to the Crystal Meth Empire. Equestria's infrastructure is incredible. This city vanished one thousand years ago, and the railroad up to the north was in perfect shape. We got off the train into a raging blizzard, and met up with Shining Armor, who was cosplaying that one guy from that one movie. He hurries us along because 'the empire isn't the only thing that's returned'. How about you stop being so ominous and just spit it out! Something keeps trying to get in, you say? Maybe it's the unicorn king. Or maybe it's any sane pony who doesn't want to be out in this damn blizzard. Sheesh. Sure enough, this mass of shadows closes in on us, and we make a dash for the dome. We all make it through, but not before Shining got raped. So, he won't be ready to go again for several hours.

Meeting Cadance in the castle, she has the audacity to say that we need to meet up when the fate of Equestria isn't hanging in the balance. Oh, you mean like I was trying to do the entire summer for sexy fun times? Bitch. So the goal here is to find out how the crystal meth ponies protected themselves in the past. So...if I'm understanding this, they needed protecting even before a corrupt king rose to power? Because...that makes no sense at all. After not getting anything out of the stoned locals, we ransacked the library to find a history book. Apparently, out of all the drugs they manufactured, ecstasy wasn't one of them, so they needed to throw an annual fair to make themselves happy to protect themselves from harm. Give me a break. I've seen plenty of royal guards protecting you from harm, and they don't seem jolly at all. The entire fair was centered around something called the Crystal Heart. Remember Tom, Rarity's crush? Yeah, I took a hammer and chisel to his ass to make a replica, and put it in the center of town.

However, in all our research and thorough reading, we neglected to notice that the last page was missing from the history book. You'd think I would've caught that. Must be this drug-filled atmosphere. Cadance has been hitting up so long that her magic was starting to fade. The shield dropped, and Drug Lord Sombra closed in to retake his meth labs.

Uh oh.

Your didn't-see-the-tear-marks former student,
Twilight Sparkle









Dear Princess Celestia,

Any idea why my sister is writing me letters every week asking for a good rutting? It's starting to creep me out.

Sincerely,
Shining Armor