Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

Where the Apple Lies (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Diary,

Mah brother is so fuckin’ annoyin’!! Honestly, if he opens that mouth of his any wider, he might find a large hoof smashed into it. He mutters on and on about how mah ideas are all well and good, but you can't plow a field with 'em. Well, here's an idea, let's hire somepony else better at plowin’ the fields to replace mah brother. Like Bulk Biceps, perhaps! That'll shut the damn fucker up.

-Applejack

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Dear Granddaughter,

The next time you try lyin’ again Ah'm havin’ you move back to Manehatten with the Oranges.

The one always in charge,
Granny Smith

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Dear Diary,

Trying to talk less... is more difficult than one pony might think. It's a bad habit. It's natural and comfortable for me that way. We ponies were born with vocal cords and we must make full use of them. Like shouting at your little sister that she's a fuckin’ cunt with all her big ideas. She think she's so smart, but she doesn't know basic math! Ah'm a wiz at that, quite frankly. Ah ain't no pushover. So, why? Just why did Mom and Dad decided to give birth to this annoyin’ little stain on our apple family tree? Furthermore, with another little sister coming along the way, Ah can guarantee that our future will be filled with a lot of mishaps and tree sap. Urgh, who could keep quiet on all that bullshit that may be happenin’ in the future? Anyway, back to the point. To talk, or not to talk? To listen, or not to listen? That's the real question. Talkin’ less will lead to me listenin’ to more of mah whiney sister and that will only get worse when she turns into a bloody she-demon spawned right out of Tartarus when her junk starts bleedin’. But to listen more would prevent any other casualties from happenin’ again like me nearly getting sawed in half! Perhaps... Ah could listen more... But how...? Maybe Ah could replace mah bad habit of talkin’ with another bad habit? Ah've heard that Ogres & Oubliettes came out recently. A lot of friends are recommendin’ it, but there is no way Ah’m cross-dressin’ as the characters anytime soon. Or as another gender, in fact!! Not in a million years!!!

Wait, hold on... Ah'm at the last page of mah 140th Diary??? How in Equestria does that make any fuckin’ sen—

(Refer to Big Mac's 141th Diary for the rest of the entry)

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Years Later...

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Dear Dad,

I think you should file divorce papers with Mom. Your relationship with her has spoiled already. She was just trying to milk you for fame and money all this time.

Your daughter,
Diamond Tiara

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Dear Big Mac,

Why were you in such a panic when I cast that babble spell on you a while back when you used to talk a lot anyway?

Perplexed,
Starlight Glimmer

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Author's Note:

Comments

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Dear Dad,
I think you should file divorce papers with Mom. Your relationship with her has spoiled already. She was just trying to milk you for fame and money all this time.
Your daughter,
Diamond Tiara

She speaks the truth. I mean really, what did Filthy Rich EVER see in Spoiled? Also, for the record, what kind of parents name their kids stuff like Filthy Rich or Spoiled Milk, If that's not a sign your parents hate you, I don't know what is.

[Neko Majin C]

Dear Applehick,

If you want your fertile fields plowed, there is no one better than Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle. She may not be able to plant seeds, but she is very good at squirting her own special water all over the place.

Signed Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle's loyal slave and "squirt gun" practice target,
Neko Majin C.

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~KBO.

[Sols Sojurn]

7978193
Neko where is the bleach and mop she has half the upstairs bathroom covered again.

[Neko Majin C]

7978406 Third closet on the left in the fourth floor of the north wing.

[F14m3rz]

Dear Big Mac,
Why were you in such a panic when I cast that babble spell on you a while back when you used to talk a lot anyway?
Perplexed,
Starlight Glimmer

... Because of the story about how he came to grips with not having to talk all the time? It's like if you lay off the salt for a while, take a tiny lick, and get back to inhaling it even worse than before. Sure, it might feel good at first, but then you realize that you're ostracizing everypony you care about because of your lack of control over an issue of yours.

[Sunny]

The part I want to object to in this is that horses do not have periods, and thus Applejack will not bleed. HORSE ANATOMY 101!

...

[DanielLC]

7977830

what kind of parents name their kids stuff like Filthy Rich

One that lives in a universe where names come true. I suppose "Impossibly Rich" would be better, but it's not a bad choice.

[squall_wave]

7982081
that would be a really bad idea it could backfire and make impossible to get rich