Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

Interseason Shorts

Rarity's Biggest Fan

To the Spa Ponies,

Why won’t you ever give me a happy ending after my spa session!? Those hooves could do wonders for me!

Aroused,
Twilight Sparkle

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To Princess Tvilight,

Because Princess Celestia say ve are not allowed to.

Plus, in Soviet Eqvestria, ve don’t give happy ending. You give us happy ending. Pay up.

Signed,
Aloe and Lotus

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Dear Rarity,

Great idea for using Vacuum Cleaner as a fan. I wonder what other household appliance I could use him for.

Signed,
Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Rarity,

Thanks a lot.

Signed,
Spike

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Dear Spike,

I thought you'd see it as an improvement.

I mean really, what would you rather be? My mobile fan for ten bits an hour, or Twilight's sex toy for diddly fucking squat?

Sincerely,
Rarity

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Dear Rarity,

Touche.

So, same time tomorrow?

I'll have the buffest wings in Ponyville.

Sincerely,
Spike

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Ail-icorn

Dear Diary,

My dumbass mistress was sick. Sadly, not to the point of killing her. Lacing the soup with cyanide didn’t work, either.

And even in sickness, that fucking mare causes nothing but trouble. Rarity ended up with a roller blade accessory which would’ve been the best possible hoofjob for me. Then, Fluttershy got turned into a cold turkey instead of Pinkie. AJ also ended up sprinkled with magic pixie dust causing her to be a silly pony flying into places, bumping into walls and knocking down pillars. At least Twilight got that ego centered pegasus to shut up by making speak in sound effects only. Then Pinkie comes in and drugs up Twilight with vial of exotic substances from Zecora turning that bitchy mare to a bitchy baby.

Sadly, nopony wanted to take care of the little runt. Not even Pinkie, and heck, she's supposed to be good at looking after babies now!

Hence, I was left holding the baby. Fuck.

-Spike

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Dear Spike,

Look on the bright side. Now you can raise that little shitter to be less of a shit when she grows up.

Your reluctant friend,
Applejack

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Dear Applejack,

I wouldn't count on that. The final season trailer already showed that she got back to normal.

Your disappointed friend,
Pinkie

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To Twilight Sparkle,

Slam!
Clunk!
Ring!
Eek!
Whoop!

Yap!
Oink!
Urgh!

Thud!
Woof!
Ick!
La!
Ick!
Growl!
Honk!
Tweet!

-Rainbow Dash

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Dear Spike,

Maybe Twilight is right about you. You are useless.

Like, you couldn't even kill a baby. Not even when she was the perfect size for the trash compacter in the kitchen.

Sincerely,
Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy

P.S.
Seriously, you couldn't have dropped her off the balcony or something?

---

Teacher of the Month

Dear AJ and Rainbow,

Get Good.

The Best Teacher of the Months,
Fluttershy

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Starlight the Hypnotist

Dear Shining Armor,

So much for being B.B.B.F.Fs. You traumatised your own little sister. It’s no wonder she’s such a mentally unstable mare, now! It’s a good thing she didn’t go down the path I did. Otherwise, we’ll be dealing with Twilight Sparkle the Miraculous Ladybug Killer.

Signed,
Starlight Glimmer

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Dear Starlight,

Yeah… That’s why I made that old chant with Twilight. To help her cope.

-Princess Cadance

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Dear Pinkie,

Dammit Pinkie! I was attempting to hypnotize Twilight to be a nicer pony. Now she just yells at ladybug kites!

Your friend,
Starlight

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Dear Starlight,

I still think it's an improvement. She's not yelling at everypony now so I’d say it's a start.

On that note, if you could hypnotize her to do something different when she's thinking about ladybugs, why can't you tell her to do something different when she's horny?

Your friend,
Pinkie

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Dear Pinkie,

Because I'm a amateur hypnotist, not a miracle worker.

Sincerely,
Starlight

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Sundae, Sundae, Sundae

Step right up everypony!

Colts and fillies, mares and stallion, one and all

Come and see the amazing Ice Cream Soup Museum!

Get a taste before the different flavors mix together!

Get it while it lasts!

---

Dear Pinkie,

You should have gotten a fridge to keep all that ice cream cool. Or was it missing because your refrigerator was running?

Your friend,
Discord

Author's Note:

Comments

[Georg]

Best Starlight/Sunburst comics ever.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Dear Spike,

Maybe Twilight is right about you. You are useless.

Like, you couldn't even kill a baby. Not even when she was the perfect size for the trash compacter in the kitchen.

Sincerely,
Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy

P.S.
Seriously, you couldn't have dropped her off the balcony or something?

A lot of good that would do when she has wings. She'd just fly right back up.

[milesprower06]

9915452
I thought that as a foal, that might be a bit of a challenge.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

9915481 Flurry Heart had no trouble flying, and Pound Cake at only a month old was a flying prodigy.

[milesprower06]

9915485
Fine, trash compactor idea is still solid.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

9915491 As would just leaving her for a wild animal or flushing her down the toilet. Far less messy.

[Wolfsea]

So much for being B.B.B.F.Fs. You traumatised your own little sister. It’s no wonder she’s such a mentally unstable mare, now! It’s a good thing she didn’t go down the path I did. Otherwise, we’ll be dealing with Twilight Sparkle the Miraculous Ladybug Killer.

Twilight Sparkle as Hawk Moth, dear god. I now see the matching color scheme when she's Midnight Sparkle. >>
Now that image is ingrained in my head.

[Sean Mulligan]

What were these references to?

[Neko Majin C]

Starlight the Hypotist

"Hypnotist.

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---

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Hey, Rarity,

It would be an honor to be Mistress Headmistress Princess Twilight Sparkle's sex toy for diddly fucking squat. And I would prefer that than getting paid to fan your narcissistic ass all day long. Why, you ask?
Um...
Uh...
Huh...
Hmm...
Oh! I refuse to dignify such a stupid question with an answer. It would be a waste of my time. Just know that Mistress Headmistress Princess Twilight Sparkle deserves to be fucked more than you deserve to be fanned.

Signed Mistress Headmistress Princess Twilight Sparkle's loyal slave who is not a fan of fanning your fat fanny,
Neko Majin C.

---

---

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~KBO.

[FanOfMostEverything]

P.S. Seriously, you couldn't have dropped her off the balcony or something?

Dear Everypony,

Remember Flurry Heart? Imagine that, but with actual malicious intent. I'd rather not pick a castle's worth of crystal shrapnel out of my scales.

Not taking this bullet,
Spike