Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

The Crystalling

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

---

Memo to The Crystalling Ceremony Planning Committee

Can somepony please get down to Afriquestria and see if Rafiki can be our Crystaller?

Thanks,
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

---

Dear Cadance,

What the hell is with your subjects? Was there an insanely awesome rock concert or something?

-AJ

---

Applejack,

Yeah, sorry about that. Discord hosted the EWE's "WrestleMane-ia" event here last month. It was pretty crazy. Ponies got used to camping out for tickets and good seats.

---

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, that's your plan? Fly around shooting at clouds? Why not just move the sun closer to the ground? Or ask the Yaks for help. If they start trashing everything we can just leave.

-Twilight

---

Dear Sunburst,

So if I'm understanding this right, you have an insane amount of knowledge about how to solve problems, but don't really know how to go about solving them?

I know the perfect career path for you. Mayor, governor, congresspony. The world of politics is for you!

Meanwhile I'll just be down in Ponyville, living off of the local government.

Sincerely,
Starlight

---

Yer a wizard, Sunny.

-Haygrid

---

Well, good news. I think we can take this Relic Reconstitution tome and make it the Crystal Meth Empire's new holy book.

-Twilight

---

Global warming.

Brought to you by the Crystal Heart.

---

Dear Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,

Don't worry about fixing the holes in your castle. I can build you an entirely new one with just one annoying catchy song. The only downside is that you might have to face eternal winter again.

A fellow ruler,
Queen Elsa

---

Ponyville's Friendship Castle was silent as the grave, as all the occupants had traveled north for the Crystal Empire's Crystalling Ceremony.

That is, until the magical portal mirror in the library began to glow. The portal opened up, and out came a gold-coated unicorn, with a red and yellow striped mane.

Sunset Shimmer planted her hooves on the ground of the castle, a double barreled shotgun in the grasp of her magic.

"Alright, where is that bitch? There can only be one student!"

---

To my dearest, sexiest student, Starlight,

I knew this would work out. Fax Machine didn't bother me at all today. But if you catch him flexing in front of any mirrors, feel free to bitchslap him. He's used to it.

-Twilight

---

Dearest teacher,

Might I suggest at the very least, you give these doors numbers? I opened one door and this evil-looking monkey just stared and pointed at me.

-Starlight

---

Author's Note:

Comments

[Alticron]

You misspelled "Ponyville" as "Ponyvile" at one point.

[Diokno44]

That last note, hah! I miss that evil monkey....

[MythrilMoth]

Memo to The Crystalling Ceremony Planning Committee

Can somepony please get down to Afriquestria and see if Rafiki can be our Crystaller?

Thanks,

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

Dear Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,

Don't worry about fixing the holes in your castle. I can build you an entirely new one with just one annoying catchy song. The only downside is that you might have to face eternal winter again.

A fellow ruler,

Queen Elsa

I knew sooner or later someone would do this. Frozen and The Lion King were both so heavily referenced by this premiere...

(Bets on how long it'll be before somebody uploads a clip of the Crystalling to Youtube with "The Circle of Life"?

Yer a wizard, Sunny.

-Haygrid

Made a similar quip to my friend Zef while we were watching.

Sunset Shimmer planted her hooves on the ground of the castle, a double barreled shotgun in the grasp of her magic.

"Alright, where is that bitch? There can only be one student!"

GO GET 'ER, SUNSET! :rainbowdetermined:

Dearest teacher,

Might I suggest at the very least, you give these doors numbers? I opened one door and this evil-looking monkey just stared and pointed at me.

-Starlight

[Scarheart]

Dear Princess Twilight,

Your student is Charlie Brown. Send her to me.

Regards,
Lucy Van Pelt

[Shadowmane PX-41]

Dear Flurry Heart

Don't get too comfortable. You don't know what you're getting into.

Sincerely,
Poof

[Spartan-Guy 88]

Naming their child after an event that nearly killed the Element Bearers, the ENTIRE Royal Family, and a whole empire filled with hundreds if not thousands of innocents?

Shining Armor and Cadance: PARENTS OF THE YEAR

[TheMyth]

Now imagine if stallions were like Sea-Horses....

[The Grey Pegasus]

Nah, Starburst Sunburst probably has a degree in Theoretical Magic. It's like Theoretical Physics, but a lot more boring and looked down on.

[milesprower06]

7065946 You mean Sunburst? I see I'm not the only one who mixes those up, lol

[The Grey Pegasus]

7065950
mleh

goddammit. If he's a recurring character, this should be a theme.

[Onyx Heart]

Ponyville's Friendship Castle was silent as the grave, as all the occupants had traveled north for the Crystal Empire's Crystalling Ceremony.

That is, until the magical portal mirror in the library began to glow. The portal opened up, and out came a gold-coated unicorn, with a red and yellow striped mane.

Sunset Shimmer planted her hooves on the ground of the castle, a double barreled shotgun in the grasp of her magic.

"Alright, where is that bitch? There can only be one student!"

CUE THE HIGHLANDER THEME SONG!

[MixMassBasher]

7065950 Thanks for the credit. I'll just post what you didn't added.

I don't mind her invading my fucking privacy in my castle. I mean it's not like Starlight will assassinate me in my sleep.

So my student's first friendship lesson. Reunite with her ex-friend; Sunburst. If she passes she'll remain my student. If she fails. I'll just leave her behind freezing in the crystal north.

Urm Starlight? Are you sure we ended up in the original timeline? Cause that baby's wings are fucking huge.
Well throw aside your bow and arrow Cadence. Cause your daughter is the new princess of love. Why? She makes the perfect cupid! She even has the diaper for it.

Fucking Hell Pinkie. You had one job. Babysitting. And you failed. Again.

The baby is more trouble than we thought. Let's vote on abandoning her in the snow. Princess Cadence will thank me later.

Well... Winter Is Coming! Again!
I vote we have Celestia move the sun closer to the crystal empire but nooo. No one ever listens to bitchy old me. You know... Why not just bring the Windigos back while your at it? Or better yet, have Rainbow implode another Rainbow Factory?

I think the crystal ponies lost a few braincells when they recieved brain freeze from the cold. They are stubborn as fuck.

So Starlight's first friendship lesson was a success!!
Second friendship lesson:
The next step in friendship.
You. Me. Bedroom. Now!

----------------------------------------
Starlight Glimmer was trudging down the hallway, completely annoyed.

"This castle is so huge. Why did Twilight ever wanted to get this?"

Starlight Glimmer opened a door to a stunning sight.

"It's dangerous to go alone take this!" A bipedaled old monkey said, holding a sword to her.

"Urm.. Wrong room?" Starlight said as she slammed the door shut.

-----------------------------------
Spike burned away the friendship list Twilight made.

Meanwhile....

Celestia was busy preventing the winter storm from reaching the Crystal Empire when a 40 tonne Friendship List landed on her head.

------------------------------------
Dear Twilight,
I can see how you hate Fax Machine so much.

An annoyed student,
Starlight Glimmer

-----------------------------------
Dear Princess Cadence,
You know how hard it is to fix holes in the roof that are made out of bloody CRYSTAL! We QUIT!
Sincerely,
The Construction Workers

[Neko Majin C]

Dear Starlight,

That monkey is not evil, it is a very complex situation. See, basically, he got home from work one day and found his wife cheating on him with another monkey. He fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing him his job. All his money was gone, which means he lost the house. So he moved in to that closet just until he got back on his feet again, and wound up living in there for nine years. He is not evil at all. That scary face he had was just the face he makes when he is thinking. The pointing was just him trying to start a conversation. And the shaking? That is just a copper deficiency. Look, I am sorry he scared you before, but if you give him another chance, you could maybe start over?

Signed Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle's loyal slave and monkey pooper-scooper,
Neko Majin C.

---

---

---

~KBO.

[Harmony Charmer]

Dear Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,
Don't worry about fixing the holes in your castle. I can build you an entirely new one with just one annoying catchy song. The only downside is that you might have to face eternal winter again.
A fellow ruler,
Queen Elsa

IM WHEEZING

"Alright, where is that bitch? There can only be one student!"

AND NOW I'M HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER

[GIGA-XISBASS]

7065877 Technically he wasn't evil but just in a bad place after his life fell apart. Really all he did was try to help Chris but couldn't really strike up a conversation till the last ep he appeared in so far where he's show to be more of a father than Peter.

[Diokno44]

7066063 That is true. I liked that episode. I wonder what´s he´s up to now....

[Imperaxum]

I'm ashamed that the notification that this story had updated was my first inkling that Season 6 of MLP has actually begun. Jesus,

[MixMassBasher]

7066057 Wow the ones you laughed the most was the contributions I made to the chapter for miles .

[Blitz the Dragon]

7065946 He is the One Free Stallion.

[The Grey Pegasus]

7066207
Glasses.
Orange.
Goatee.
Hm...

[euphgeek]

Dearest teacher,

Might I suggest at the very least, you give these doors numbers? I opened one door and this evil-looking monkey just stared and pointed at me.

-Starlight

img02.deviantart.net/6de8/i/2007/348/3/1/evil_monkey_family_guy_desktop_by_alikatfin.jpg

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Ponyville's Friendship Castle was silent as the grave, as all the occupants had traveled north for the Crystal Empire's Crystalling Ceremony.
That is, until the magical portal mirror in the library began to glow. The portal opened up, and out came a gold-coated unicorn, with a red and yellow striped mane.
Sunset Shimmer planted her hooves on the ground of the castle, a double barreled shotgun in the grasp of her magic.
"Alright, where is that bitch? There can only be one student!"

Sorry, Sunset, but you missed the boat on the student offer. But don't worry, in a couple of years you could probably apply to be Sci-Twi's "student", and the best part is, you'd have her all to yourself.

[Jman14102]

This episode was great. I have a feeling that this season is going to be good.
Of course, we can't forget about this little gem:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/3/27/1117790__safe_twilight+sparkle_animated_starlight+glimmer_death_war_spoiler-colon-s06e01_the+crystalling_flashback_adolf+hitler.gif

[kooarbiter]

Dear Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,
Don't worry about fixing the holes in your castle. I can build you an entirely new one with just one annoying catchy song. The only downside is that you might have to face eternal winter again.

to be fair, this could have been a certain someone from game of thrones

[Treue75]

"Alright, where is that bitch? There can only be one student!"

Aww Sunset, don't you know that sharing is caring?
Should have been the first lesson Twilight told you. Right next to the mandatory threesome exercise.

[Veylon]

7065919
The secretly dark side of Equestria is that all ponies are actually named after horrific disasters.

Either that or Flurry's parents want her to have the opportunity to give a "Do you know how I got my name?" speech to an enemy.

Or maybe they want to predispose her to grow up as some kind of warrior princess? Being named after a devastating event will almost force her to get a cutie mark in destruction. They might be more genre savvy than they seem.

[Samey90]

7066876
Ramsay Snow Bolton? I think I'd prefer eternal winter, myself.

[TheLolzKnight]

7066128 YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed about. This chapter was my first hint that season 5 was over! It ended? Wot. I'm an idiot!

[ShadowLDrago]

Yer a wizard, Sunny.
-Haygrid

Don't worry about fixing the holes in your castle. I can build you an entirely new one with just one annoying catchy song. The only downside is that you might have to face eternal winter again.

Am I the only one who still likes it unironically?

[FanOfMostEverything]

And so the disgruntlement begins anew. This should be fun, especially since there's a new friendship student involved.

7066911
I love the idea of Flurry Heart giving that "How I got my name" speech. Thank you for it.

[kooarbiter]

7067151

sansa snark really shouldn't have destroyed the white walker facility

[LegacyMine]

This story used to be funny, but now it's just a collection of stupid references.

[Streakofscarlet]

Dear Twilight,

Will you stop giving Fax Machine useless heavy things to burn just so they could fall on my head?

You're lucky that I enjoy watching you make him suffer; otherwise, I would have executed you by now.

Pissed off,
Princess Celestia

Dear Sunbutt,

...

Why do I call you Sunbutt?

Your superior,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Toilet Sparkle

Well, my butt is pretty hot.

Dear Screw you, Sunbutt,

You'd know wouldn't you?

Dear Twilight,

Yes, screw me indeed.

What? No sex jokes about Shining Armor looking very tired?

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

Dear Sunburst,

Thank you once again for saving my kingdom and Crystalling my daughter. That said, you're a nerd and I'm a jock, so I do have to beat you up.

Thanks for understanding.
-Shining Armor

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

Dear Mom and Dad,

Nopony puts baby in the corner!

-Flurry Heart

[Swashbucklist]

To my dearest, sexiest student, Starlight,

I knew this would work out. Fax Machine didn't bother me at all today. But if you catch him flexing in front of any mirrors, feel free to bitchslap him. He's used to it.

Oh, and then spank him. Several times. And straddle him while you do these things so he can't squirm away. And tell him he's a dirty little pervert. And if you get a feeling that somepony's watching you, just ignore it.

-Twilight

[Alex Warlorn]

7068569

SA played D&D in high school.

[Alex Warlorn]

You think they'd know not to write anything negative of the Great Spike when Crystal Ponies MIGHT be watching over their shoulders.

[Sollace]

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, that's your plan? Fly around shooting at clouds? Why not just move the sun closer to the ground? Or ask the Yaks for help. If they start trashing everything we can just leave.

-Twilight

Or... you know.

derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/4/14/873895__safe_twilight+sparkle_canterlot_a+canterlot+wedding_shield_cinemare+sins.png

[articunos bitch]

Can somepony please get down to Afriquestria and see if Rafiki can be our Crystaller?

I would trust a baboon over a zebra any day.

A fellow ruler,
Queen Elsa

Elsa's castle makes sense. Cadance's appeared out of nowhere for no reason except so she can live in it.

"Alright, where is that bitch? There can only be one student!"

Remind me, did Twilight rail Starlight yet?

Dearest teacher,
Might I suggest at the very least, you give these doors numbers? I opened one door and this evil-looking monkey just stared and pointed at me.
-Starlight

He wasn't always evil.