Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

Rainbow Roadtrip

Additional content provided by MixMassbasher.

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I absolutely despise my spineless, lazy, stupid, good for nothing, worthless excuses for friends!

Those bitches nearly ditched me to go on this ridiculous road trip hot air balloon trip to Hope Hollow’s Rainbow Festival. This was all thanks to that self-conceited attention whorse who was being personally invited as the guest of honor which pretty much gave that cunt an even bigger ego trip since her birth-iversary celebration. And just why did that dimwitted orangeneck dirtpony have to throw my travel porn stash off my own hot air balloon onto Vacuum Cleaner!?

Great, now my worthless slave gets to spend his break jerking off to those blackmail pictures I had on Rarity! I hope that lucky bastard breaks his claws by the end of it!

And to top it all off, my main entertainment on this pile of horseshit of a long-ass trip was Pinkie singing that annoying bottle song. Well here's a song for this doped-up deadweight!

One obnoxious stupid pink mare on the balloon,

One obnoxious stupid pink mare.

Knock her out, toss her out,

One obnoxious stupid pink mare still on the balloon

Wait how the hell did she stay on...??? Nevermind.

We soon reached our fucked destination by nearly crashing to death as my balloon had a surprise encounter with, of all things, a fucking rainbow billboard. Okay. After this stupid festival, I'm sending Rainbow Crash my broken balloon bill.

And yeah, I unfortunately had to save our wingless compatriots because I didn't want to be stuck with more paperwork at school. I just hope those dumb bitches don't sue me for hazard pay since they nearly died by travelling on my hot air balloon.

Upon our arrival, we had to hightail our asses to the nearest safezone before cadou-powered lycans bit off our hooves. Screw this fungus-fested village! Luckily, we managed to check into a safe hotel and soon met our first forgettable filly character of this trip, Petunia Petals; librarian, information guide, hotel manager, and blah blah blah...

Also, to put it bluntly, the room provided to us was a shitty dump. Rarity tried putting a positive light on things by talking out of her ass on how the place was so rustic and charming. Oh yes, it is very rustic and charming. You could tell how rustic and charming it was by those two creepy little fillies in blue dresses standing just outside at the end of the hallway!

Hey, Rainbow, I seem to recall you invited us here. So, being such a swell guest of honor, why don't you let your guests sleep on the beds while you have the honor of sleeping on the dusty grey floor tonight? Sleep tight and hope the bedbugs bite!

Waking up the next morning in this totally unsuspicious village, we soon found out that the place was full of plain pastel ponies. Well, at least nopony's creepily saying welcome to us. On the downside, the townsfolk kept avoiding us like the plague. Why the hell are they isolating us because of the color of our fur!?! Ridiculous! Honestly, any creature that thinks like that are utter nimrods.

We soon found the idiot in charge of this lackluster place who was getting his lackeys to scrap parts off my wrecked balloon. So, this dick's in charge? Good. You moronic monochrome motherfucker! You owe me a new balloon!!!

He gave us a tour around the joint which made us very wary. If we weren't careful, the next thing you know, we'd have our colors stolen and sealed into jars; then have our asses hauled into a Conversion Cottage convincing us to free ourselves from our colors. Yeah... I think I still have PTSD from that incident and the only resident counsellor to help remedy it is the bitch that caused it.

Mayor Sunny proceeded to solidify my stance that you can't trust politicians. I mean, come on, everything advertised about this place is a complete and utter hoax! Somepony should've renamed the place "Hopeless Hollow". We were about to leave this shitty town, but Sunny songspositioned to us how the town lost its community spirit since its hay days. Especially after he blew up a family heirloom, causing the town to revert to an oldie cartoon style color palette.

Really? That's what happened!?! I thought it was a couple of drunk hics deciding to paint the town grey for fun. But hey, look on the bright side. At least there's a low pegasus fatality rate here as I'm certain the rainbow factory doesn't do dull color schemes for their glorious rainbows. Maybe advertise that on your stupid brochure! Oh and here's a solution to your monochrome problem. Get a fucking dye shop! In fact, I'm gonna head out right now and cast a fucking magic dye spell over this damn town and prove my point!

Yeah... Sadly, that idea went straight to the trash as the magic spell I cast on the outskirt of town worked jack fucking squat! Then, Rainbow decided to nuke the town with a rainboom which didn't work either. I suspect she's still super salty about being duped into coming here. Well, except for the fanclub part, turns out Rainbow did have fans here. Wow, who knew dull foals have such dull tastes! They even took after Rainbow Crash as the dull dynamic duo nearly crash landed to their dull demise. Rainbow then decided to take them under her wing so that they could do a flyby at the stupid festival before they become pegasi pancakes. Meanwhile, back in Ponyville, an orange chicken sensed a great disturbance in the Dash Force.

Deciding to avoid a lawsuit with child labour law, I headed to the local library to find some porn to jerk off to because somepony threw away my previous stash. I hit the jackpot when I saw that Sunny and Petunia were in the middle of an oldie cartoon romcom bullshit. Yeah... those two clearly want to fuck each other. Hey! Maybe if I help them with their relationship I could join them for a celebratory threesome after this Lamebow Festival!

While I was planning how to do this, my other friends had their own misadventures. Rarity decided to further her business expansion during the Dullbow Festival. Gee, Rarity, what a great idea. Put another shop in a fucking ghost town and hiring only a colorless crippled couturier.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy and Pinkie conned a pair of plain pompous pie makers to help prepare food for the Plainbow Festival with their moody neighbor to boot! I'm more surprised that Pinkie didn't pull a buffet out of her mane like she usually does. Maybe she dropped it when I tossed her off my balloon earlier... Oh yeah, I forgot. AJ and some repair pony did some shit in the background.

By then, I had thought of a plan. By fixing that piece of junk Sunny broke and coupled it with a reversal spell I just read about, we could bring color back to the town, thus Sunny will get his mopey head out of his ass and kiss the damn mare and I can get my threesome! Everyone agreed to the beginning of my plan but not the ending. Fucking figures. Too bad that plan didn't come to fruition either and all I got from this was this lousy wing sweater!

Then Applejack comes barging in revealing that the color was returning. I thought that perhaps the spell had a delayed reaction, but turns out it was a friendship problem all along! Celestia dammit! This would've finished quicker if my stupid castle map wasn't on the fritz since Groundskeeper Sombra destroyed the macguffin tree!

By telling everypony that yes, there's still a Rainbow Fucking Festival, we soon brought this damn town back into color in this dumb television movie. Oh, and the Mayor finally grew back his blue colored balls and proposed to the dang mare. Perhaps I could join for a threesome during their future honeymoon since I'm still horny after this whole useless road trip.

Your purple pony princess,
Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Hasbro,

The title of this dumb TV movie should have been Rainbow’s Roadtrip and not Rainbow Roadtrip since Ego Dash was the idiot invited to this dumbass festival. Work on your fucking language, you corporate nitwits!

Your Meta-Grammar Nazi,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Are these rainbow wing extensions another one-time thing like that useless Product Placement Rainbow Powerup?

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Dear Equestrian Technological Research Division,

So, you know all that super cool shit in that alternate dimension that allows people to keep in touch so much easier?

If I were to steal some of that, could you fuckwads reverse engineer some of that stuff? Because I think that if this town had smartphones or even email, that this shitshow wouldn't have happened in the first place.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

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To the desk of Princess Twilight Sparkle,

We can certainly try our best, but we cannot make any promises. It may not happen for generations.

Who knows, it may even take up to five generations for us to get it right.

Sincerely,
Director of the Equestrian Technological Research Division

Author's Note:

Comments

[StormLuna]

I loved this one....Twilight "I fucking hate everything" Sparkle was hilarious. You forgot one thing though, Fluttershy seemed to be trying to get it on with a bloody spider if I remember correctly. Twi could have said something along the lines that Shy could have tried to get closer to her instead.

[Streakofscarlet]

I was planning on commenting that this

Yeah... I think I still have PTSD from that incident and the only resident counsellor to help remedy it is the bitch that caused it.

is the best line in this one, but then this

Somepony should've renamed the place "Hopeless Hollow".

gave it a run for its money

[Level Dasher]

we soon brought this damn town back into color in this dumb television movie.

Meta-Princess Twilight Sparkle

We can certainly try our best, but we cannot make any promises. It may not happen for generations.
Who knows, it may even take up to five generations for us to get it right.

[denneylaw]

Dear Diary:

Well, looks like our plan failed AS USUAL!! Turns out that annoying Rainbow Brite managed to restore this worlds color too. Course, no one seems to notice that being the reason for the color coming back. It didn't help that dimwit Fuzzy keeps wanting to party with that annoying pink pony too. Well, back to our world we go.

Signed,

Murky "Murkwell" Dismal

[Neko Majin C]

My dearest Mistress Headmistress Empress Dictator Princess Twilight Sparkle,

After seeing you off, Vacuum Cleaner came hard back to the castle carrying copious amounts of Rarity themed porn. I have no idea where he got it. Does he have access to Derpibooru? But I digress. He wasted no time caking your cavernous castle in his cum. Say what you want about how worthless he is, but he has stamina for days. Oh my You, it is all over the place. It is like spider webs, but goopy? It is like thick, gooey ropes just... hanging and dripping all over the place. It is in every single room in the castle. How is that even possible? This castle is Brobdingnagian. It is even in the bathrooms. But, mostly in your room. Your room looks like, well... you in image 2609224. I do not mind cleaning up after you, in fact, I rather enjoy it. Yours has such wonderful smell and delicious taste. However, Vacuum Cleaner really should clean up after himself. I look forward to how you punish him when you finally cum come home. I also look forward to you cumming coming home.

Signed your loyal and lonely slave who misses you terribly,
Neko Majin C.

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~KBO.

[justheretoreadstories]

Didn't watch this because no streaming service had it and it looks like I'm not missing much.

[Lord-of-Rhodor]

10902136
I am simultaneously intrigued and terrified to know what Image 26092240 is... **readies the eye-gouging spoons just in case**

[Chaotic Ink]

Choose your wife

I'll take the cripple!

[Snowdrifter]

I saw the 'choose your Waifu' pic but heard in my head:

"Choose your destiny! MORTAL KOMBAT!"