Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

Dragonshy

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Dragonshy

Dear Princess Celestia,

How the hell have you not been overthrown yet?

A dragon decides to hibernate on one of the mountains near Ponyville, begins to fill the sky with smoke, and instead of sending an experienced team of guards, or expert dragon-convincers, you're sending me up there with the rest of my friends?

First off, you're not technically my teacher anymore, and the only reason I decided to do this is because I didn't want to be thrown in a dungeon in whatever place you end up banishing me to. Yeah, I'm one of the ponies who sees right through to your tyranny. Secondly, why do we have to convince him to leave? Scouts reported he was sleeping in a cave? Well, get a couple blocks of C4 and collapse the mouth to the cave. Dragon problem solved, smoke problem solved, and everypony's happy. Seriously, that's a great idea. Why isn't there any C4 left from the war?

Another thing; what is it exactly that Twilight and Friends can do that a team of guards can't. Yeah, I came up with a name for this sad little group. I'm currently working on a jingle. Tell me what you think of these lyrics:

Twilight is a unicorn
From Celestia's nation
Taking her friends up to their ends
By a dragon altercation

Yeah. So it's been nice knowing you.

Well, after convincing my friends that there's actually some chance of survival, they all went off to prepare for the journey up the mountain. Rainbow went and painted her face. Either she's partaking in a war ritual, or is hoping the dragon see's her as absolutely fabulous. Applejack packed apples for everypony's last meal. Rarity might have seen right through my lies, because she just came back with a giant hat and a saddlebag full of scarves. I guess she wants to die looking her best. I told Pinkie Pie to prepare an improvised explosive in a saddlebag. I got the idea from one of the books here in the library. It's something called “absolute jihad”. But the damn thing went off when she came out the door, and she made it out of streamers. Fluttershy came back looking like she was trying out for hoofball. And she's afraid of her own shadow. Pathetic.

Well, before we even began our ascent, Fluttershy was intimidated by how tall the mountain is. Well no fucking shit, Shershy. It IS a mountain, as Rainbow so dubiously pointed out. The dragon snored, and that just froze that quivering dumbshit up completely. As the lowest member of society in our group, I made Applejack drag her up the long way around so we would have something to sacrifice in case we had to make a run for it. I'd sacrifice Pinkie, but I need her alive, for now, and I hope her second suicide bomb works. Actually, on the other hoof, the dragon eating Pinkie might not be such a bad idea. If the bomb was properly constructed, we could detonate it once she's in him. Problem solved. And if it doesn't go off, the amount of drugs in her system might actually kill him anyway.

We met Applejack and Fluttershy halfway up the mountain, and Fluttershy came up against her next daunting obstacle; a two-foot chasm. She should just fall and get it over with. And if she doesn't die, I'll just send Applejack down to drag her up again. Then, and you're not gonna believe this; further up the mountain, a leaf falls on Fluttershy's back, and she freaks out and screams, causing an avalanche. Seriously? A fucking. Leaf. Don't worry, we all could have been crushed, but at least the leaf didn't harm Fluttershy. Am I getting hazard pay out of this? I fucking better be.

Well, at the mouth of the cave, I wasn't going to put up with any more shenanigans, so I went in alone to confront the dragon. He just blew smoke in my face and told me to piss off. Kind of the way my dad ignored me as a filly. Then Rarity tried a little slutty charm, and well, you know how slutty and charming Rarity is, so that completely fucking failed. In another one of her drug-filled highs, Pinkie tried to party with the dragon, and then Rainbow just flew in and kicked him. I swear, Rainbow has no depth to her character whatsoever.

As the dragon is about to put an end to our meaningless troll-filled lives, Pinkie must have slipped Fluttershy some crack or something, because she just completely fucking snapped. The dragon must have got some different stuff too, because he just cowered like a bitch when Fluttershy scolded him for falling asleep where he could harm other beings. Then he started to cry.

Yep, crying. Pinkie, what the fuck did you give him?

So after he flies off, we made the journey back down the mountain, and Rainbow tried to set a record for the most ball bounces off her head. And this is a seriously freaking amazing ball. You have got to check it out sometime.

Your skeptical student,
Twilight Sparkle

Comments

[GiftedMonster]

Hah! Epic! I may love Fluttershy but damn you are right!

It's good to know Rainbow Dash is...*Sunglasses* ballin!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The Pinkie sense one will be...intriguing.

[Genjen]

As the lowest member of society in our group, I made Applejack drag her up the long way around so we would have something to sacrifice in case we had to make a run for it. I love all these references to Twilight's bias of Unicorn supremacy. It's hilarious as all hell.

Oh man, with the slumber party and the Zebra/curse episode coming up... I'm left with eager anticipation on how you'll have Twilight talking smack about all that good stuff.

[xBeeCharm]

I feel a Friendship is Witchcraft vibe...or maybe I'm crazy

[Tom S. Fox]

She calls them her friends now?

[Frankie]

C4? Jihad?
After two lackluster chapters, you made me laugh again.

Slipped Fluttershy some crack, OMG!!

[AbsoluteAnonymous]

So after he flies off, we made the journey back down the mountain, and Rainbow tried to set a record for the most ball bounces off her head. And this is a seriously freaking amazing ball. You have got to check it out sometime.

Ha. That's my favorite line so far.

[DonutBeagle]

Oh, if her friends got hold of those letters. . .

[Tarquillaman3285]

I caught the friendship is witchcraft references

[Duffman18]

741509

I saw it too. And I'm okay with this so long as he doesn't rip off their stuff.

[milesprower06]

742606 I just had to stick those references in there because I've become a huge FiW fan in the past 3 weeks.

[Duffman18]

742703
I am also a huge fan of the series. Personally I loved seeing those in there. References like that are awesome. I just meant that I'm hoping that they stay references and we can continue to see mostly your work with some references thrown in. Keep up the good work man. Oh and since your a fan of FiW, you should check out "A Look into Witchcraft." It shows what would happen if the main 6 found their way into the FiW universe. It is really hilarious.

[Dr Bob]

I literally laughed out loud during this chapter. Well done, sir.

[Disguised]

I can't wait to see how you tackle Lesson Zero.

[RedvsBlue327]

I'm predicting a blend of LSD and Weed Twilight.

[Minecraftian Equine]

the cynicism in Twi is reminding me of the "Freeman's Mind" series, where someone is playing Half-Life 1 and talking as though he were Gordon.
-on another note, i want to like this, but i think i would feel dirty for doing so...which is weird as fuck because i've liked multiple clopfics...meh

[Xuncu]

YES.

[KillJoy]

You made me snicker, that is an accomplishment in it, itself! I am rarely the person to laugh at jokes, but you sir, have done an amazing job. All my Lulz.

[Dusky Flower]

Pinkie isn't high... On drugs. Knowing Pinkie, it's sugar.

[Ryanjri]

SOMEBODY has watched Friendship is Witchcraft.

[Valikdu]

Dear Princess Celestia, you have got to check this ball out! It just keeps bouncing and it won't stop!

[Niklashg]

"And this is a seriously freaking amazing ball. You have got to check it out sometime." Do i smell a Friendship is witchcraft reference?

[TJAW]

771796
Dude, I love Freeman's Mind! I'd do an Alcatraz' Mind for Crysis 2 but I can't edit for shit, and something tells me I'd need to actually write my material down.

[Jake8765]

We all have some depth to our character.
I don't!
Most of us have some depth to our character.

[cammerhammer]

Burma-shave.

[dawnshadow]

not sure if it was intentional but the end says "Your skeptical student" instead of the usual your former student

[Darth Sparkle]

HA! I account this to be Twilights secret letters! this is just too fucking funny for words

I like the pessimistic perspective of these letters......always fun to see the sweet and fluffy from the prickly sour side of life....keeps reality in perspective.....as well as allowing to keep good humor.

Good stuff.

[Guiding_Passion]

I'm so glad the real Twilight isn't like that.

[Sir Squidfish]

Twilight is a unicorn
From Celestia's nation
Taking her friends up to their ends
By a dragon altercation

Haha, love the Barney thing.

[Sir Squidfish]

And seriously, the Pinkie on drugs thing is really starting to bring back Fo:E in stunning 3D for me.

[Bongo Bongo]

For some reason I feel like there may or may not be a few references to a certain video that's title rhymes with "Friendship is Witchcraft." Maybe.

[gale-wind]

He just blew smoke in my face and told me to piss off. Kind of the way my dad ignored me as a filly.

Oh, ho ho ho ho... ho....
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/24198242.jpg

[SuperPinkBrony12]

741950 Being the idiots they are probably will think Twilight's just joking.

[keaton-furman-prower]

WHAT?! How are you still alive?!

I mean...

Dear Twilight Sparkle: So glad you're back safe and sound! I knew I could count on you... Was there any ever doubt? Nope, none at all.

Your Faithful Tyrant ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Oh, there have been many attempts to overthrow me (not the least of which came from my own sister), but they have all failed (What? You think my sister was the only one I ever banished to the moon? ) Unfortunately, Non-Alicorns aren't exactly capable of surviving on the moon...

[Revenant Wings]

Rainbow tried to set a record for the most ball bounces off her head. And this is a seriously freaking amazing ball. You have got to check it out sometime.

I'm reminded of the "Friendship is Witchcraft" parody of this episode where Twilight was about to write a friendship letter and ended up talking about Rainbow bouncing the ball instead.

Also, these are absolutely hilarious. I'l be sure to read more.

[butboifranko]

That last line...Friendship is Witchcraft reference.

[ElkinFencer10]

You know, I have to admit, when I first started reading these, I didn't like them that much, but I kept reading, and now I just can't stop. I mean, I have to be at work in less than ten hours and have yet to shower, much less sleep, but I can't stop reading. They're just too damn hilarious. Especially that you keep saying that Pinkie Pie is a drug addict. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that.

[Arcadia Arcanum]

Scouts reported he was sleeping in a cave? Well, get a couple blocks of C4 and collapse the mouth to the cave. Dragon problem solved, smoke problem solved, and everypony's happy. Seriously, that's a great idea. Why isn't there any C4 left from the war?

[killergoonie]

1904068

also the part about rainbow dash having no depth in her character is a reference to FIW

[hkigrl13]

why are these so f'ing funny! For some reason all I have to do is think Fluttershy completely fucking snapped and I break into hysterical giggles.

[shy sad jaded shard]

3010287 I want to read a dark story with fluttershy snapping I bet it be good and would pinkies alter to shame( I have read cupcakes well the alt ending at least still the journal part wow)

[Sollace]

3402047
I don't usually like dark stories. But I may give that one a try. It sound like an interesting read. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png

[DarkSonicTrail]

Dear Twilight Sparkle...

I sent you and your friends after that dragon because i honestly wouldn't waste my own guards to deal with a dragon, since you're worthless anyway, i wouldn't lose anything, everybody wins! Except you

PS. You know i can send anybody i want to the moon right? I didn't send you YET because you're still amusing me with these reports.

Your Tyrant ruler,
Princess Trollestia Celestia

[Skeeter The Lurker]

As the lowest member of society in our group, I made Applejack drag her up the long way around so we would have something to sacrifice in case we had to make a run for it.

I lost it at that.

Also...

Yep, crying. Pinkie, what the fuck did you give him?

Him? Or her?

~Skeeter The Lurker

[forevertheDoctor]

Friendship is witchcraft anyone? Also, Fluttershy wasn't afraid of her own shadow. She had two shadows her reaction was an understatement

[Spirit Shift]

3696712
Yea id be freaking out too.....vashda narada

[fillyDarkBloom]

I would love to see Celestia's responses to these.

[SonataDTacoQueen]

Another thing; what is it exactly that Twilight and Friends can do that a team of guards can't. Yeah, I came up with a name for this sad little group. I'm currently working on a jingle. Tell me what you think of these lyrics:

Twilight is a unicorn
From Celestia's nation
Taking her friends up to their ends
By a dragon altercation

Gotta love that Barney reference.

[Derpyx0]

How the hell have you not been overthrown yet?

god I have been asking that question for so friggen long! Luna Republic! Lets all start a democracy with Luna! She is a much better leader than Celestia! Like if you agree!

[Inferno demon Dash]

I can't breath, oh gods, my sides!!!!

[TheIrisianPrincess]

3741914

Lets all start a democracy with Luna! She is a much better leader than Celestia!

Umm... no.
Luna would be a horrible leader.
I mean, she did try to plunge everything into eternal night. And since she spent 1000 years in the moon, she doesn't know enough about modern pony society to be an effective princess. And how the fuck do you know she'd create a democracy? Sounds like quite a modern idea for somepony trapped in the moon for 1000 fucking years.
Could she become a good leader eventually? Yeah. Sleepless in Ponyville shows that.
Will she ever be good enough to replace Celestia? Fuck no.