• Published 7th Jun 2012
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Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student - milesprower06



Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.

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Swarm of the Century

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Swarm of the Century

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, why don't we back the fuck up here. First off, NEVER ask me to give my friendship report in person. It takes time to organize all my thoughts into presentable form. So yeah, all that shit I just spat out about stopping and listening to your friends' advice was a load of crap.

Secondly, how in the moon do you NOT know what a Parasprite is? You've ruled for over one thousand years, and you don't know what a Parasprite is. Pinkie, Ponyville's drug lord knows what a Parasprite is for crying out loud!

So I spent the day helping Ponyville get ready for a visit from you. Why? I don't know. I didn't have anything better to do. Before going to check on the bakery, I noticed that the welcome banner said Princess Celest. They ran out of room. Even more unbelievable was that they managed to spell what they could fit correctly. The town folk surpass my low expectations again.

So when I get to Sugarcube Corner, I discover that Pinkie must have had a few hits of weed, because her appetite was once again out of control, and she partially devoured the dishes being prepared for your fat flank under the guise of taste testing.

Then Fluttershy showed up with three of these really annoying fairy things. Pinkie freaked, said something about a trombone, and took off. I figured I could take one home to keep Fax Machine company while I finished cleaning up the library. First I went to show it to Rarity and Rainbow. While on the way over to the boutique, it kept on shouting at me, 'Hey!', 'Look!' and 'Listen'. Damn it was annoying. By the time I got to Carousel Boutique, it had managed to multiply, most likely through somehow having sex with itself. Rarity and Rainbow happily took one each. Little did I know I was helping spread the plague.

The next morning, they had completely infested the library. For some reason, Rarity didn't seem to have a problem with them until she discovered they multiply via projectile vomiting. Remind me to disinfect every inch of this damn place.

Once we got them all rounded up and rolling out of town, Fluttershy, in some unsurprising fit of absolute stupidity, kept one because of how cute it was. Someone teach this ditz about pest control 101 please.

To add to the unfolding disaster, the binge-and-purge spell I tried on them only caused them to start devouring the town. So the next plan was to make an exact copy of Ponyville. Every building, every store front, every rock and every tree, right down to the orange roof on Howard Hooves' outhouse. And we actually managed to do it. But then when I realized that you were already on your way, we were going to need a little more time. I raced out with my friends to try and build a hilariously out-of-place toll booth to slow you down even more, but you had beaten us to the location. That, and Pinkie managed to lure the Parasprites out of town with a one pony marching band. How she manged to play that banjo with hooves and march at the same time, I'll never know, and I'll never care. So a druggie managed to save the town. Big whoop.

So there you have it. The reason I didn't give you my report in person was because of that insanity, and I didn't want to call all my friends fucking stupid in front of them.

Your pest-controlling former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. We need building materials for half of Ponyville.

P.S.S. Don't worry, the new water tower survived.

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