My Little Pony: The Movie
Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.
Dear Moviegoers,
In the magical land of Equestria, there are four powerful princesses. One for day. One for night. One for family. And then there's me... Twilight Sparkle; Princess of Friendship or whatever. It is my royal duty to make sure everypony feels like they belong. It's a lot to live up to. I mean princess? I deserve so much better. Unfortunately, I also have these nuisances I call friends who are stuck with me despite how much I avoid them. Who cares about friendship, and the flowers and the ponies and bleh.
The only thing I could look forward to was this Friendship Festival made in my honor. Finally the princesses had listened to at least one of my list of demands since being crowned! The Mane Event would have obviously been the spectacular firework show I had planned instead of that Songbird Serenade afterwards. I even failed to mention the part where at the end of the display the princesses would have been sent to the moon afterwards for a thousand years using the right frequency, angle and algebra.
Well, it would have worked if they hadn't read my annotation of the plan written at the end of the whiteboard. Dammit, Fax Machine!
Thus, I am now stuck with setting up the decorations with my so-called friends. They probably need my help since they can’t seem to get anything done without me. Amateurs. I guess that means it is time for another dumb song montage about how we got the beat or how we got this together.
Pfft… who cares. I got caked by a druggie, that’s more important. I need to look my best when ponies celebrate my friendship festival.
Of course this, was all ruined when Commander Neighsayer pops up with her broken horn proclaiming the fall of Equestria and all the usual evil villain shit. Soon after she stoned the other princess, and one retard, I barely escape by the skin of my teeth. Oh, and my useless friends somehow survived too.
Well this day blows.
That bitch is gonna pay for ruining the celebration meant for me! Perhaps we could get the Queen of the Hippos...was it?... to storm back into Canterlot and save the day the with magic of friendship. Easy peasy. There is no better feeling than seeing these pieces of villain filth get their asses hoofed back to them.
Hence, my worthless friends and I are off to see the world, searching for these Hippopeople, our first destination; Slavetown. No seriously that wasn’t a joke. If this is what occurs outside of Equestria, by Celestia, give me any crazy hairbrain thing happening in Ponyville anyday.
However, we had no choice but to go there, the desert heat was making all of us go crazy. Just look at Rarity, she thought there would be a spa in Slavetown. I repeat. A SPA!
Entering this decrepit place, we were surrounded by weirdos. Being cautious, I tell the gang not to split up or to talk to strangers. Guess what the druggie did then? Unfortunately, thanks to that pink abomination, we were surrounded by these crazy loons. Then Top Cat pops out of nowhere, scaring off the competition and charming us of how he is the friend we need not what we deserve. Sadly, I was the only one not to fall for his act. Even that dirty farmpony fell for his lies. You know. The so-called Element of Honesty. AJ, just stay in the background for the rest of this journey. Right where you belong!
In the end, we were stuck waiting around in his shack while Rarity was falling in love with a cat. Yuck! Stick to your own species, Rarity. At this rate, she’ll become a crazy old lonely cat-obsessed pony in no time flat. Thankfully, I was being productive, finding out that I should have been looking for the Queen of the Hippogriffs. Dammit, Princess Celestia! You are a troll even to your stoney demise.
Regrettably, I did not have time to sulk any longer as we had to escape from Commander Broken Horn and her vertically challenged sidekick. Again, we managed to escape onto a flying ship. Unfortunately, it belong to the Storm King, what with all the obvious branding scattered about, and a birdbrain crew captured us.
Of course I’m on an enemy ship. Fuck my luck!
Strangely enough, we were saved by the bell and were stuck eating their shitty food. Planning a means of escape, my thoughts were interrupted by Rainbow who started complaining about how these ex-pirates were lamer than Captain Sparrow. Then she starts singing something about it being time to be awesome again. Screw this singing, I’m getting out of here.
Getting some air outside, I had thought up the perfect plan. I could ignite any possible explosive laying around here while I escape on a hoofmade hot air balloon using Fax Machine’s flames as fuel. Perfect.
Wait a minute… Is that Rainbow? Oh no no no no! What is she doing! She’ll ruin everything!
And so, once more, a sonic rainboom screw up my entire life. Thanks a lot to Rainbow Bitch. I want to get my damn hooves around her stupid neck. I’ll chase the sky and back if that what it takes!
Once more, we had to run away from the enemy by falling to our deaths. Very smart, Captain Celaeno. No wonder your crew fell under the storm. Luckily, in a quick haste, I hatched my plan to save myself but of course I save my worthless companions. Who else would I have to complain at then?
Not wasting any time, we headed for the Hippogriff Kingdom. But it turns out the city was an even bigger wreckage than Griffonstone. The only consolation was that I nearly saw somepony bathing, if somepony didn’t ruin it and nearly cause all of us to drown!
Thankfully, we were saved by a seapony I dare say seemed to be on more drugs than Pinkie Pie. She started babbling about how it is better under the sea. We met her more laid back mother, who I swear must be on cocaine with how little she cared. She even had the balls to not help her pony allies to defeat the Storm King.
So, I came all this way for this moronic queen to say no. Really?!?! This is the most pointless journey that I have ever been on. Could she imagine what I had to put with? So what, her kingdom was destroyed, this is the time for payback. But nooo. She’s more concerned about her seaweed wrap. They couldn’t do one small thing and help their allies. Well, drastic times call for drastic measures. Thus, I had Pinkie drugging up the seaponies. I nearly managed to steal the pearl needed to save Equestria, but apparently Pinkie forgot to feed Queen Novo some of her seaweed and I was caught redhoofed and they shoo be doo’d us out of there.
The worst part. My friends start to shouting at me for being such a bitch! At least I was trying to be useful! What have they done? Pinkie nearly made us slaves, Rarity was seducing a con artist, Rainbow’s ego almost got us captured and Fluttershy and Applejack barely did anything!!
I, therefore, left them to save the day myself… only to get captured straight afterwards. Can’t I ever catch a break? While I was captured, Captain No Horn started lecturing me that I need to open up my eyes to the true horrors of Equestria. Urm… Have you met me? I already knew that. Furthermore, that’s your backstory? Oh boo-hoo you lost your horn and friends. Big deal. You lose some friends, so you enslave Equestria? Why should I pity you? Who in their right mind would make you their waifu?
But that was the least of my worries as I was soon drained of my magic and that foal-brained Yeti was playing around with my magic like it was a foal’s’ toy. Whelp, Equestria is doomed. Welcome our new evil overlord! I’ll be around, hopefully. With how that maniac is using that scepter, our weather will surely become more chaotic.
Yet somehow my friends finally grew some brain cells and saved my tail. Thank you for being my friends, I guess? However, the Storm King had better ideas conjuring up a storm, though I doubt he could control it with that peabrain of his.
As a matter of fact, he was dumb enough to betray his number one lieutenant. Through I can’t say that she didn’t deserve that. I even saved her life just so she could let it sink in how much wrong she had done as her world crumbles around her.
To my dismay, I could not lavish in her misery with the Storm King trying to kill me. It was then that my friends decided to pop in out of nowhere. Seriously. Is there anyway I could ever be rid of them?
However, since my friends are here. Hey meatshields! Protect your princess!
In addition to this, the storm got out of control and now we had to get the staff before the Storm King did.
But, for the record… Hey, Storm King, guess who was right about the chaotic weather causing trouble? This purple pony right here.
And so, we stacked up together as a pony pillar, which I definitely would want to try again later, and grabbed the scepter and saved the day once more.
This battle wasn’t without casualties, however. A very brave pony made a very bold sacrifice that allowed me this victory. I could feel it. The sense of thankfulness for somepony else’s kindness. Such a sweet sweet mare who deserved all the praise I should have given. I will be eternally grateful for what she had done for me and Equestria. I was of course talking about Ponyville’s local resident mailmare who was the sole reason I was not stoned.
Oh, and Tempest helped, too. She got stoned. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it? I figured we could leave her petrified form where Discord used to be. I’m certain the pigeons would appreciate that. But naturally, I had to make the right decision because I’m the Princess of Friendship and freed her from her stone imprisonment. Frankly, I thought she’d be useful as a housemaid or one of those useless royal guards. Fax Machine could use the company.
But alas, restoring her led to the useless princesses to return from their rocky prison. I was so hoping that I could become sole ruler, but oh well.
In the end, we had the Friendship Festival I wanted with that Songbird Serenade singing about how she can see rainbows. Pinkie fed her drugs, didn’t she? Nonetheless, harmony was restored. Everypony was happy. Except me. Just another agonising day for me has ended with another awaiting in the horizon.
Fuck this, I’m going to bed.
Your pissed writer,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Queen Novo,
Since I’m now reformed and all, could you use that pearl to fix my horn?
Signed,Commander Tempest Shadow Fizzlepop Berrytwist
Dear Fizzlepop Berrytwist,
You kiddin' right? You attacked my kingdom!
Signed,
Queen Novo
Rest In Peace
Brian The Balloon
6th October, 2017
Dear Derpy,
Congratulations on receiving a medal of bravery for saving Princess Twilight Sparkle from the petrification spell.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Thanks! Maybe all this new recognition may be good enough to tune out all the hate on my colt…Urm I mean marefriend Time Turner for his her recent sex change.
Your Ponyville Mailmare,
Derpy
Dear Storm King,
Let me guess. You tried to gain the power of all the pony princesses to rule all of Equestria. Betrayed your most trusted advisor only to be defeated your ex-comrade and the magic of friendship?
In what way did you think repeating what I did would have yielded a different result?
-Tirek
P.S. Welcome to Tartarus, my fellow inmate.
Dear Trek,
I didn't EXACTLY repeat what you did.
I had a little help from a laughably bad plot device.
See this staff? It is the completely unexplained cause of, and solution to, everyone's problems.
Need a reason to invade Canterlot? Staff.
Need to entice your lieutenant with magical healing? Staff.
Need to play with celestial bodies? Staff.
Need to magically repair the battle torn capitol of Equestria instead of having a heartfelt rebuilding scene? Staff.
Don't you see, Tirek? We're bad guys. We have to be bad. You gave one of the greatest finale fights this show has ever seen, which is all well and good. Meanwhile, with this convenient plot devic- err, staff, I'll go down as one of the worst villains ever, and that my friend, takes commitment.
Sincerely,
The Storm King
Dear Princess Twilight,
So, um, listen. We just have to ask...
Are you okay?
You held the power of all four princesses in your hooves, without your friends being prisoner or anything, and... You just gave it back. It wouldn't have taken forever to rebuild Canterlot, so what gives?
Sincerely,
Your Friends
Hello moviegoers! Did I miss anything?
-Discord
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You're an ass. But a loveable one.
You've given me a good laugh on more than one occasion, and for that, I thank you.
Stay awesome, man.
Aww... it’s over?
8808998
Second paragraph of the author's note.
Probably, but not definitely.
Dear Queen Novo:
Do you know de way? 😋
Well, if this is truly the end of this letters, then thank you for all the laughter and smiles you crazy of son (or daughter) of a gun. I wish the best of luck with your future endeavors.
Dear Twilight,
Why didn't you ask for help?
Sincerely, King Thorax, Lord Ember, and Prince Rutherford
Dear Movie writers,
Why didn't you let me do anything? At least give me a line or something? Throw me a bone here.
Pissed off, Stratus Skyranger
Thank you both for all the work over the years.
Let us all hope for better times.
Which, admittedly includes the rise of the robot overlords or an alien invasion, but we can still live and unlive in hope right?
Well, all good things must come to an end eventually. It's been quite a ride though.
8809046 Stratus Skyranger sounds almost like a Ranger team.
Stratus Sentai Skyranger. . .
SOMEONE GET ON THAT!
All I can say is thank you. So many laughs, the satire and a truly wonderful version of Twilight.
Like all the best stories, I am sad to see it end, and yet it makes me crave more!
And now we wait for the next season to see if Tempest Shadow and the events of the entire movie are completely forgotten like they never existed...
Aw, kind of a bummer to see this end, but I can understand the reasons. I'll keep my fingers crossed for the occasional 'bonus chapter.' Thanks for all the laughs, Miles.
The key to enjoying the humor of Letters:
It's time you learned a lesson.
It's time that you understa-and.
Don't ever count on everybody else,
To join you when you laugh.
I once strove for PC.
I would never toe the line.
But that was just the confined thinking,
Of someone who was blind.
Open up your mi-i-ind!
Make your jokes and satire, man!
No political correctness,
It's more fun that way, you'll find...
((I would do more but I suck at lyrics...))
It has bin one hell of a ride.
"Told".
"Otherwise".
Extra apostrophe.
Remove the "r".
This should be two words.
Way to drop the ball at the ten yard line, Neko.
My Dearest Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle,
I am glad you changed your mind about Fizzlepop, A new guard pony is always a boon. I mean, one is better than zero. And she has a wonderfully fun Berry to twist.
Open up her thighs!
See the hole from where she came.
Slap her luscious booty.
When she cums, she screams your name!
Signed your loyal slave and terrible parody songwriter,
Neko Majin C.
~KBO.
It's been quite the ride, and now it's over. We've laughed, we've cried, we've kissed five bucks goodbye. I've enjoyed (almost) every minute of it, and part of me is sad to see it go. That said, there's something I need to get off my chest.
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"WAAAAH! IT'S NO LONGER SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO BE OPENLY RACIST! WAAAAAAAH!"
Forgive me for not bowing and scraping before the almighty edgelords of /pol/ for their divine anti-PC magnificence. (I'm pretty sure that's punishable by getting the Charles Sumner treatment from a /pol/ack these days.) But when minorities are getting blown up in my fucking backyard like it's the Nineteen-fucking-sixties all over again, and the people doing it are being emboldened by the treasonous Cheeto occupying the Oval Office, I can't be bothered to give one flying fuck about the /pol/acks' pwecious fee-fees.
Or as I've been told so many times in my forays on Facebook and other online fora: "Fuck your feelings, snowflakes!"
8810063
When a YouTuber is convicted of hate speech in a UK court because of something he taught his fucking dog to do in a video as a goddamned joke, yes, I'm yearning to exercise my Second Amendment rights in order to protect my First Amendment rights.
In other words, yes, fuck your feelings.
8810081
1) You really have so little faith in the First Amendment that one verdict in a case that hasn't even made it's way through the entire appeals process in some other Western democracy threatens to cause the sky to fall in on itself? I pity you.
2) If the government ever truly became tyrannical, do you really think your AR-15 Tiny Penis Compensator is gonna do jack all against Abrams tanks or UCAVs?
3) Who's the more likely to become a jackbooted thug: the person who calmly requests that people not treat each other like shit, especially for superficial reasons like race, or the person who resorts to "Second Amendment solutions" in the face of even the slightest political opposition?
8810132
I do suppose I brought this debate on myself with the contents of my Author's Note, so I'll attempt to explain my platform before ending this conversation.
1. The fact that it even got as far as a hearing and conviction should be alarming enough. It's not that I have little faith in the First Amendment, it's that I absolutely believe that it, and other fundamental parts of my nation, are under attack by far left activists and extremists that would see it infringed.
Because we are seeing plainly, in other parts of the world, the potential of what can happen if they are ever successfully infringed. A man has been convicted for what his dog did on YouTube. I cannot believe I have to type that sentence.
2. No. If it ever gets to that point, if the Socialist Army of New America is deployed to enforce the continental Gun Free Zone, I believe the opposition would be entirely and utterly overwhelming.
But it would nevertheless be a hill worth dying on.
And I never really understood the "small penis" argument. No matter what the size of one's sexual organ, I don't believe it would be a better means of defense than a semi-automatic rifle.
3. The likes of Antifa are hardly, hardly acting in anything close to resembling a calm manner.
I hope my points are clear and concise.
8810132
Ok let’s talk about your points:
1) ok, I’ll give you this much. We should wait until it’s all well and done before we freak out. That being said, I can sorta understand his fear for this as some folks in the usa just love to compare us to other countries, especially on hot button topics like gun control. Which shouldn’t be a thing in my opinion, as the history and culture of any two counties are so different that it would be impossible to say for certain that what worked for one country would work for another. But I digress.
2) We should all pray that the government never becomes tyrannical, but if it ever did, than you would need as much firepower as you can get.
3) if you had Been paying attention, you would know that the former has over the years become the jackbooted thug, as many people will more often than not shut themselves from a conversation and yell in someone’s face than listen to why they believe in what they believe. I’ve seen so many people being called bigots (at best) and at worst things I do not dare to repeat here for no other reason than the fact that they had disagreed with the narrative that these so called ‘civilized’ people follow.
All in all, while I don’t agree with everything that you said, i can understand from the wording why you believe in it. I’m not gonna try to convince you or say that you’re wrong. I’ve found that when you do that people either shut you out or double down on their narrative, so it’s basically not worth the effort. All I ask is that you read the author’s notes again, and this time keep a more open mind with where he is coming from. That is all I ask.
Thank you for reading this, if you have read this far, and I hope you are not put off by what I’ve said.
8810258
Half expecting this to blow up over my six hours of sleep, but backup is always nice. Thanks for reading!
8810262
Np. I understand how it feels. People nowadays are so sensitive to everything that is out there that it has cause some people to be completely disjointed from reality, preferring to shut out any dissenting opinion than keep an open mind. It’s gotten so bad that most people treat the most mundane and trivial incidents like they are life and death situations, while the real life and death situations are largely ignored, and will openly accept false data or make shit up just so that can convince others that they are right.
Sorry about the pseudo rant just now, btw. I’m just really fed up with how everyone seems to rather bicker than listen to each other. I tends to get me going.
But I digress. Again, it’s no problem. Hope you succeed in your endeavors, and I hope you one day come back to entertaining the masses with your stories again. I’ve loved reading these and have loved your jabs at real world issues.
8810282
Oh I'm not done writing by any stretch, just wanted to put this story up on the shelf and call it done. If Mix and I get motivated enough, we'll absolutely be back for Season 8 and beyond. There's also some bonus content he wants me to push to the site when I get the time.
Sad to see this end. It was a wild and hilarious ride.
8810326
Ah. That’s what I meant. Sorry bout that. I meant to say that i hope you eventually come back to THIS particular story. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Nevertheless, I hope you are successful in all your endeavors.
I have to say, I'm surprised by the political content of the notes. As someone born and raised in a blue state who nowadays lives in another blue state and voted for Clinton, I'm having trouble remembering anything in this story that wasn't politically correct, with the exception of maybe less than half of the party cannon control chapter. (Reducing racial and religious prejudice, and thus reducing one cause of bullying in schools, is pretty in line with liberal thought.) Even then, I've never encountered anyone saying that opinions on gun control are covered under political correctness. I haven't been reading your blog posts or your other stories, so maybe I've just been missing stuff or I just have zero memory, but it was only that (very recent) chapter that gave me any inkling that maybe you were right-leaning.
But besides all that, the idea of an ill-tempered, eternally sexually frustrated Twilight turning everything in the show on its head was funny enough for me to look forward to your new chapters.
We do need reform all over the place in government(s) some in more places than others.
My opinion on things:
1. Party cannons are fine to own. However tech making it an Automatic Party Cannon needs to be controlled and far better regulated
2. I support both the first and second amendments and “PC” definitely infringe upon our freedoms of speech and expression (not necessarily the same thing)
3. Maybe instead of focusing on all the negative, we become proactive and start fixing the things that cause problems, come on, do we need to create something like the Psycho-Pass and SIBYL systems?
On one hand, I recognize that when you're done, you're done. On the other hand, my obsessive-compulsiveness doesn't like the idea of this ending now when there are only two seasons left to go. It's like a fly landing on your TV screen or having to sit through a
SpikeFax Machine episode. You know, the sort of thing that's too minor to be worth complaining about but you'd be lying if you said it didn't bother you.static1.e621.net/data/sample/6b/4f/6b4fc301804c7bf5dbe15c40101d657b.jpg
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I wonder how many traumatizing memories Wallflower Blushed erased that were beyond the three day limit.
8881940
Considering the lack of established male characters we really don’t have many options for straight mares anyway LOL!!!
8886181
You took one part of my comment out of context and attacked it. I expressed a few concerns about that and already acknowledged that it wouldn't be profitable for most land owners and thus, would likely fall apart. Also, corporate backed or owned ranches have become much more popular across the US and family owned small farms opperating on their own are less common than one might think.
They tend to have a smaller ratio of workers in those cases and tend to also work the lands themselves (which could qualify them as workers) simply because they can't afford to pay that many wages. The primary target would be the rich guys who own all the box stores, office buildings, and leased/rented work places.
I'll try to be clear when I say this, I believe many communist/socialist policies like that have the best intentions, but break down in practice and have poor defenses against corruption as many things have to be manually regulated. I try to entertain the ideas but I understand that a solution that fails to deliver, no matter it's intent, might as well have intended the result
My problem with the movie was it was just your usual villain tries to take over everything season finale stretched out to movie length.