Once Upon A Zeppelin (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)
Dear Spike,
Why did you agree to do all of Princess Twilight's’ princess work?
Curious,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Starlight,
Are you kidding? Any day without her is a great day for me. And as if I’ll do all her work. I doubt she can tell the difference between a large paper pile and a slightly larger paper pile.
Signed,
Spike
Dear Diary,
Vacations suck. That’s what I learned in a nutshell. I was hoping for a nice and relaxing cruise and what do I get? A Twilicorn Convention.
So, my parents apparently signed for a family cruise together. I was very excited at the prospect. I had everything planned nice and coordinated. In fact, I was most looking forward to seeing the Northern Stars. Maybe if I wish on them hard enough. Princess Celestia will cease to exist. I even took into account exploiting my brother’s air sickness to trick him into having sex with me.
But since when have things ever gone my way?
Captain Iron Cockblock Will put a dent in my plans. Apparently, my parents didn’t read the fine print stating that this was a Twilicorn Convention.
Who ever reads the fine print?!? Nopony! That’s who!
Though, I’m more fucking surprised that anypony is willing to spend even a few seconds with me. Let alone a whole cruise! But I digress. The real tragedy was that none of these fans wanted to have sex with me! Something about a cease and desist order in that damn contract by Iron Will.
Thanks a lot, mom and dad… you allowed me to leave my work to get more work. Parenting at its finest! Shining, Cadance, write that down, takes some notes! Flurry definitely needs that kind of parenting.
Many colorful languages was shouted by my mother at Iron Will before it was finally settled with me having to entertain my fans for the rest of the cruise. The first itenary on the cruise, choosing a stalker fan to follow me for the rest of my so called vacation. Star Bucker was it? If there was one word to describe this fan colt it would be obsessed. Oh well, back to work. Bingo was very boring. The only interesting thing was that dad tried to hit on some mares before being cut off by mom quite rudely. My Celestia forsaken mood only worsen with Star Trucker invading my personal boundaries. Seriously Creeperzoid. Personal space.
After that, it was tiny boat racing. While I was stuck waving a flag, everypony else got to have fun racing, well except for my brother, he got airsick. How is he captain of the guard again? My mom seemed to agree as she was dragging him back to our bunks complaining how useless he is all the way. Thus, I was left behind with Tar Racker, who wouldn’t stop butting into my face thinking he was so helpful.
Let’s be real here, Star Treker, you want to be really helpful? Wear a red shirt. Then I’ll be rid of you faster on this worthless cruise.
Mom’s mood seem to lighten up later when she went barrel riding off Neighagra Falls… without me. Urgh! This mare just wanna have fun! Is that too much to ask? Oh, wait... I have an idea. Hey, Star Fucker, try that barrel over there, just ignore the pointed rocks at the bottom of Neighagra Falls. Have fun.
Now all I had to do was sign autographs only to miss the one thing I was looking forward to on this bloody zeppelin. Why? Just why? Can’t things ever go my way?! I just wanted some me time. Is that too much to ask?
Then my number one fan starts disturbing me once again. Piss off, Casanova! I'm too exhausted to have any sex with you right now.
Despite my outburst, my whole family tried to make it up to me later by dressing up as stars. Shitty, but thoughtful. Not that often I get to see mom being nice to somepony. Especially me. Afterwards we even had some ice cream. Dad even suggested some more fun ways to use whip cream besides ice cream. That gave me a chuckle, dad will definitely not get any tonight, no matter how much a good mood mom is in.
Yet, by far, the best part of this cruise was that my fans started a mutiny and wanted to throw Iron Will off the plank. Too bad he had a parachute. Didn’t anypony bring a shotgun? Honestly, some ponies.
So now I’m preparing a bounty on that con of a minotaur to have his head on a silver platter with a side of beef jerky.
Happily hunting,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Screw the Apple family! Mine is awesome!!!
Dear Diary,
I was with senpai all day today. I got to follow her everywhere. I like how angry she gets. Her hair smelled nice. I even got a piece of her hair on my scrapbook.
This is the best day ever!!!
-Star Tracker
Dear Twilight Velvet,
We can tell you firsthand that when signing contract, remember to read the fine print.
Signed,
Cuphead and Mugman
Dear Sister-In-Law,
Peewee Princess Playtime Place seems a bit off. Observing the foals, it almost feel like they keep repeating the same things over and over again. For show and tell, one foal had a knife, another had a bomb and the strangest was a nugget.
I’m not letting my child near any of them.
Sincerely,
Princess Cadance
Dear Twilight-t-t Flopple or whatever,
If you wanted a real vacation just avoid-d-d your family. Try using that [burp] magic whatchamacallit and turn yourself to a pickle. Makes-s-s life easier. Trust me on this, Morty, I mean, Twilight-t-t.
-Rick Sanchez
Dear Daughter,
So, when will you give me grand foals? Your BBBFF already has. I ain't getting any younger, you know?
Plus, I saw how that little fan of yours seemed to hit off with you pretty well. You did the exact same thing your mom did before I married that fine ass. Your wedding’s definitely around the corner. I could even have a little fun with that number one fan of yours during the bachelor party. Can’t wait to hear the wedding bells soon.
Signed,
Night Light
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But Disgruntled!Twilight, I thought you wanted your "personal boundaries" invaded?
Yeah, I bet he wanted to fuck a particular set of stars.
Now you just need to invite her to dinner so you can have her poop laminated for (wait for it...) posterity!
Let's just hope Flurry Heart didn't pick up on any of that colorful language Twilight Velvet used.
What about the fact that your kid was stacking the other foals on top of each other, and the parents didn't mind it at all? Shouldn't you be worried about Flurry's bad playing habits?
8793378
That kid is 10 different restraining orders waiting to happen.
Dear lord, I thought that last entry was Twilight Velvet at first. Laughed so hard at the bachelor party line before I saw the signature and was like, "ohhhh, that makes more sense."
The second apostrophe is unneeded.
"Were".
"Worsened".
Missing comma.
Damn, that is so embarrassing.
My dearest Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle,
I read your latest diary entry, and I must admit that I am jealous of this Star Tracker. You used to berate me like that all the time. Now I am lucky if you scold me twice a week. Why will you not admonish me anymore? Have I done something to not anger you? Please, tell me what I can do to have you treat me like slime. Maybe if this Star Tracker were out of the picture, you would only have disdain for me.
...Wait... Where does he even live?
Signed your loyal slave who is late for Literature Club,
Neko Majin C.
~KBO.