• Published 7th Jun 2012
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Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student - milesprower06

Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.

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Friendship is Magic, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Friendship is Magic: Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

Oh, would you look at that. Nightmare Moon came back! If only we knew! Oh, wait, I knew. Now she's covered the whole damn place in night. Your Royal Guards couldn't even stop her. Speaking of them, where the hell is my brother? He's the captain of the Royal Guard, and he doesn't show up for the Summer Sun Celebration? Must have been having sex with somepony. I think he was doing that with my old foal sitter too. Every time he got home, she'd put a book in front of me and then sneak off with him.

So as I'm going back to the library to try and make up for lost time, these other five follow me, like they think I need their help or something. Whoever the last librarian was didn't have a damn clue. While the druggie found the reference guide to the Elements of Harmony under 'E', that's NOT how you sort books in a library. Have these Ponyville simpletons not heard of the Filly Decimal System?

So because you and your sister just kind of left the most powerful magical objects known to ponydom in the forest somewhere, I guess I have to go find them. Or, rather, us. These other five won't leave me alone. They probably want to take the credit or something. But not Pinkie. I'm pretty sure she's after candy apples.

First off, we barely managed to survive a landslide, and the farm pony tried to get me to commit suicide because she couldn't lift me back up from the edge of the cliff. I thought earth ponies were supposed to be strong. Oh well. It just reaffirms that unicorns are indeed the master race.

So after the landslide, we run into this pissed off Manticore. We took a little beating, but we were about to get the best of it when that animal rights activist Fluttershy had a death wish and trotted right up to it and took the thorn out of it's foot. Stupid creature, although, I must admit, it did wonders with her hair afterwards.

After making a little more progress, Pinkie once again demonstrated the horrors of drug addiction. We ran into these freakishly scary trees, and she thought they were funny. What the fuck is she on? Not too much farther on, we ran into a gay sea serpent who was having a bad mustache day, and Rarity cut off her hideous tail to calm him down. I really don't understand why he thinks a handlebar of two different colors is a fashion statement.

After Rainbow Dash took forever tying the bridge back up to your old castle, we finally found the Super Stone Spheres of Harmony. When the five ponies finally give me some peace and quiet to find out how they work, who should show up but Nightmare Moon! I knew I could take her one on one, but your stupid elements didn't work. So I had to buy some time, and then I had the perfect idea when I heard the others come to check on me. They'd be the perfect distraction!

For I had forgotten the secret to harnessing the Elements of Harmony – a dramatic monologue! After assigning each one of these dimwits an element at random, they joined up to form the Rainbow Cannon, which surprisingly didn't kill Nightmare Moon. And then you showed up, revealing that you had used me to redeem your stupid jealous sister who doesn't know that ponies sleep during the night.

So screw it. I'm not coming back to your school. In fact, Ponyville needs me. With my help, these peasants could actually amount to something in life. I'll even write you every week, proving to you how right I am.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note:

January 2014 Update:
Voicemail From A Disgruntled Friendship Student: Friendship is Magic: Part 2

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