Twilight's Kingdom (Bonus Letter)
Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Twilight's Kingdom
Dear Princess Celestia,
Hey. Hey, foreign dignitaries. Yeah, look up here at this fucking awesome royal banner! This is the most hardcore fucking shit you've ever seen, no? Makes you want to open trade with our country, yeah? Not enough? How about if I smile and wave? Oh yeah, look at this hoof and these teeth.
So anyways, my royal duties aside, apparently you can detect threats through your nightmares. That's not ominious at all. Is that how you decided to send me to Ponyville in the first place? You had a nightmare that I'd take your throne? Just as I'm ready to get the rainbow-laser-firing gang back together to kick some ass, you reveal that you're sending Discord instead. Hey fuck that, he made me and Cadance miss most of SwirlCon 2014.
So to pass the time while we're being upstaged, we go to the library and delve deeper into the library to try and find the significance of the box. I decide to follow Dickcord's advice, and discover the items they all received. We don't have a clue to their significance until Pinkie throws her cock at the box, which turns it into a key. See? What did I tell all of you? You can totally solve problems by throwing things at them. Duh.
So you called me back to Canterlot to tell me that Discord betrayed us. No. Way. Who could have seen THAT coming? Let me get this straight. You three are going to give me all your powers in order to hide them, because Tirek isn't aware of Equestria's fourth princess.
Except for, you know, the stain glass window right there in the throne room. Ingenious plan, you guys. Really.
So now that my ultimate usurping of your powers is complete, all I have to do is get rid of that asshole Tirek. We threw each other through some mountains, fired some lasers, blew up some libraries, it was all epic and all, but unfortunately, we were evenly matched. So I decided to give up those powers for my five friends. If I can't defeat the demon standing between me and absolute power, than the very least I was going to do was have fuck buddies to keep me company under his rule. Fluttershy even demanded that Discord come along so he would be forced to watch. He was so touched at the possibility of live porn that he gave me the necklace that Tirek gave to him. Okay... Then... Yeah. So in tolerating all this stupidity, that necklace was my key, and with the box unlocked, it made us all gayer than I could possibly have imagined.
So now I have my official princess title, complete with a new castle that I actually have to share with these morons. Let me guess, now we, as this council, have to meditate in wait for the young colt that is prophesied to bring balance to the friendship, right?
If only your powers didn't automatically go back to all of you.
Your former student with a castle of her own,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
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So long as that young colt doesn't happen to live in a desert in the middle of nowhere, yes.
Funny. Very funny.
4401080
Which means said colt is going to be Braeburn and Little Strongeheart's kid.
Let the buttsex remind you
As much as I enjoyed the episode, you did bring up one massive gripe I have with it. That freaking stain glass window. I mean, REALLY? They didn't need magic to get rid of it! All they need is a sledgehammer.
A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Neighboo was under an attack.
And I thought me and Qui-Pon Jinn
Could talk the federation into
Maybe cutting them a little slack.
But their response, it didn't thrill us,
They locked the doors and tried to kill us.
We escaped from that gas,
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass.
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Steed to see the Queen.
We all wound up on Tatooine.
That's where we found this colt...
Oh my my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Poni."
"Soon I'm gonna be a Poni."
Yeah okay, that was pretty bad.
KBO.
4401093 And he will get married, have kids, and turn into a Rule 63 asthmatic Nightmare Moon. Then, after he is defeated by his children, they will be taken over by Disney.
I'm kind of surprised you commented on the window, but not on the fact that Discord could tell everything to Tirek at a moment's notice.
4401080
I think you mean 'desert', dessert is food.
4401285
Oh good, so I'm not the only one who thought that. Sending Discord out to capture Tirek without a backup plan, and then trying to hide the alicorn magic from Tirek under the assumption that he didn't know there were 4 alicorns, even though he could've figured out from both the window and Discord. It's strange, considering how the early seasons of the show gave Celestia a sort of chessmaster reputation, it seems like she didn't really think this one through. It also doesn't help that the combined alicorn magic wound up being evenly matched with Tirek, and that was after he had stolen magic from a huge chunk of Equestria, including all of Twilight's friends, and Discord (though to be fair, that one's more hindsight).
4401422
I'm still wondering how Tirek knew about Cadance if he didn't know about Twilight. I mean, he would have had to have been sealed before the whole Nightmare Moon thing, which is way before Cadances time if she was only a teenager taking care of Twilight.
4401422
I feel that Celestia kinda panicked with Tirek because with most of the other villains in the show it was just, throw the elements at the problem and it will solve itself; but she didn't have the elements so she just threw her most powerful weapon at it, and it went to hell.
4401491
Tirek escaped somewhere in... season 2 i beleive. While recovering, he would have plenty of time to somehow find out that Cadence exsisted. But Twilight could not have been princess for more than a month or two, whereas Cadence was known for years. It was highly likely he just hadn't heard the news yet.
I doubt a villain like him would pay much attention to the newspaper, or expect another princess within a hundred years of Cadence.
They really did look gayer than I could ever possibly have imagined.
4401551
Given how weak Tirek was up until the finale, it sounds like anypony could have caused significant problems for him. I'd imagine that he would try to keep away from society. He might not have ever heard of Cadence, seeing as she apparently wasn't worth mentioning until she was getting married. Though it would be hard to ignore an entire country-wide celebration of the newly ascended princess.
To me it would have made more sense if Tirek had heard of Twilight and not Cadence instead.
4401717
I guess I can't really argue with that, but she is known for many other things.
But the biggest one would be the Equestrian games. No matter where Tirek was, there is not way he did not hear about it. It's a huge event that all the different city's compete in. Considering it was held in the crystal empire where Cadence and Shining Armour rule, I figure it would be hard not to know who she was.
Also, they saved Equestria from changelings at their wedding, making them both heros.
Dear Princess Twilight:
Hard to understand, my plans are. But always find a way to succeed despite incredible stupidity I shall
Your Jedi Master, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: Funny, your decision was. After all, find new fuck buddies to replace the dead ones could you not?
but her home is gone :o
4401113 This gives "Secret Butt Fun" a whole new meaning.
4401783
I swear, we're going to find out one of these days that despite all her bitchiness and racism, our disgruntled Twilight actually loves those five.
You win this round, milesprower.
4401717 Celebrations mean crowds. BIG crowds. Princess Cadence's wedding was HUGE because Queen Chrysalis attacked Canterlot. Maybe he some how ran into Chrysalis and she told him about Cadence. Twilight wasn neither a princess nor exceptionally important in her defeat, so Chrysalis might have failed to mention Twilight.
4401080
If by 'the middle of nowhere' you mean Ponyville, that could be Pound Cake. The Cakes live in a gingerbread house, after all.
Ah, classic Letters, thanks for writing it in this style again, it was a fun read.
Good times, good times...
If their powers didn't automatically return, Twilight, then neither would yours.
4402689 I see what you did there.
*money
Geez Twilight, you're a politician now. Get with the program.
4401080 A hint to finding him: he hates sand.
4401422
Celestia still WAS the chessmaster. It was her plan all along. Or Discord's. He didn't tell Tirek about Twilight until he got the key. He knew Tirek would betray him, he knew he would be freed, he knew that the mane 6 would defeat Tirek. It was all A CHAOTIC plan. Remember that wink at the end to Celestia? This was all those glorious masterminds' plans.
What the hell kind of Jedi are these?! Guardians of truth and justice, my ass!
confusedmatthew.com/images/matthewicon.jpg
4413518 Probably because it does not get as much hype as Friendship is Witchcraft and Mentally Advanced Series, even though there are more episodes of Ultra Fast Pony than there are of the other two series' put together.
4281650 Oh please no. Not Mr. Poniator! That guy worked on Turnabout Storm, for crying out loud! Hasbro gets rid of him, they get rid of that too! And part 1 just reached a million views!
4430556
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4449376 Thanks!
Awww, the last chapter........
.........until Rainbow Rocks and Season 5
4456056 Anniversary Bonus Chapters will be coming on the 7th of June.
4456303 Yay!
Did this actuay happen in the episode? because I don't remember.
These just don't make me laugh as much as they used to. And lines like these:
make laughing genuinely difficult.
They say laughter can add time to your life. I have only read the first four and I have probably added 5 years to my life already. You are an absolute genius. Keep up the good work. An upvote and a favorite!
4401976 I think she does but she's probably in the closet about it considering she had a lot of time to plan their deaths but never go through with it.
I had put off this episode for about a year and avoiding reading this story to avoid spoilers. Just watched it and I must say, you sir, are a funny guy.