Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.
Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Boast Busters
Dear Princess Celestia,
Apparently Spike thinks a magic mustache would greatly help his chances of boning Rarity. Well, while I have calculated that the chances of him actually scoring are slim-to-none, I cannot have a bunch of dragon-pony spawn running around, so I took it away, telling him it was just for “practice.”
So when we started walking around, we ran into two of the biggest damn idiots in town. They started claiming there was a unicorn who was more powerful than me. So somewhat skeptical, we went into the main square and WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH??? Okay, I get why they think she's all awesome; this is a town of hicks, and her show is full of flashes and shiny things. Hicks like that stuff.
But a parlor trick pony better than me? Please. Sure, she hogtied Applejack, made Rainbow Dash sick to her stomach, and gave Rarity's mane an infinitely better color, but better than me? Hardly. That just proves that unicorns are better than everyone else, and in Rarity's case, that some unicorns are better than others, and I know that I'm the best unicorn in Ponyville. In fact, just to avoid completely humiliating that cunt, I left to do my laundry. That's right, laundry. When I'm living in Equestria's nudist colony. And she believed me.
So I go back to the library and start doing a little research on how I can best show this bitch up. Meanwhile, those two bozos are tending to her every need. Maybe once I prove I'm better, they'll do that for me. As it turns out, I was just about ready before those two birth defects brought an Ursa Minor into town just so Trixie could vanquish it.
Yeah, you heard me right. She never said how she did it. She didn't say how hard it was, or if her life was in danger, just that she did it. So that's clearly good cause for bringing another one into town. How has this shithole not been destroyed?
So this sparkly care bear begins rampaging through town, and as it turns out, that preppy slut doesn't have a fucking clue what to do. She lied about fighting one on her 'travels', which I now assume are her nightly travels to the street corner. What's this? She tied two of it's fingers together? Nope. Oh, now she got it. She struck it's ass with the smallest bolt of lightning ever. Yeah, that just pissed it off. While I was hoping to one-up that whore on stage, I had to spring into action so you wouldn't have to send down your Habitat for Hicks program if this fucker destroyed this place.
So first up, I played some sappy shitty lullaby music to calm it down. Then, I broke the town's water tower and used it to give a barn of cows a happy ending. I used the cow juice to put the beast to sleep, and I levitated his fat ass back to the cave. Trixie of course told me I merely got lucky, until I told her that it was just an Ursa Minor, and she hightails it out of town.
I was hoping that by showing off like that, the other five would hate me and perhaps leave me the fuck alone now. Well, no such luck. They were impressed.
If Trixie ever comes back, I'm gonna get her in bed with me, just to show her that I'm better than her physically, mentally, and sexually. Three points, you dirty whore.
And to make sure Snips and Snails had no chance of breeding their idiocy to anypony else, I gave them enchanted mustaches, which would make them extremely repulsive to any female pony. And just to screw with him, I gave one to Spike. So perhaps the next generation will be just a tad less fucking stupid. But I'm not getting my hopes up.
Your fucking awesome former student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. We need a new water tower.
Page generated in 0.056 seconds
Total duration
937 users online
1,239,209 hits today, 2,123,720 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
*Cackles* Oh god yes!
Brilliant!
And completely epic. Filthy, amusing and disturbing all at the same time.
Gave the cows a happy ending. I'm just glad it wasn't ponies. And the mustaches were amazing.
More please!
Regards
GM
That's all I have to say.
Lmao a happy ending...
I wanna see a letter that involves a happy ending with Trixie and Twilight!
736164 During Season 1, a college Brony gave a presentation about the physical impossibilities of a cartoon, and chose Friendship is Magic. Using the camera angles and height of the drop, he concluded that in order to propel Rainbow as far as she did in the see-saw scene, AJ would had to have been made of dark matter.
Oh man I've been waiting for this one, and that tiny bit of hinted Twixie towards the end, Yes Yes YES!!!
On another note, Snips and Snails getting mustaches as punishment now makes scary, but lulzy sense
Cow juice
Awesome letters, indeed
And people say he's not channeling Yahtzee for this?
738933 I'm not sure what they're referencing when they say that, I'm afraid.
739183 Yahtzee Croshaw, of Zero Punctuation fame is an emencely caustic and snarky video game reviewer.
Then, I broke the town's water tower and used it to give a barn of cows a happy ending. One of the best lines ever, especially considering the context!
Another funny addition to this sordid tale of dark Twilight raging against the establishment. Gonna check out the next one now.
Oh boy, I need some of those moustaches, stat! I cannot take yet another generation of classmates where I am!
Heh, man, this story is some good stuff.
I'm not sure if I like the 'happy ending cows' or 'dominating Trixie' line better, but they're both great!
736355
"Lmao a happy ending...
I wanna see a letter that involves a happy ending with Trixie and Twilight!"
Trixie is not sure if serious...but is intrigued
But the rest of us think it's a great idea.
If Trixie ever comes back, I'm gonna get her in bed with me, just to show her that I'm better than her physically, mentally, and sexually. Three points, you dirty whore.
BEST LINE EVER
"Three points, you dirty whore." very nice RvB reference.
Getting better, still laughing over here.
736639
That was a high school student, and that's why he was willing to say something so stupid; the defining characteristic of dark matter is that it doesn't interact with light (well, directly, since it does have mass and consequently can create a gravitational lens). That is, anything made of dark matter isn't visible.
He just liked DarkMatter™ brand nonsensoleum.
DarkMatter™! Your Preferred Method for Replacing the Statement "A Wizard Did It." Actual properties of DarkMatter™ can and will vary between uses. Any resemblance between the properties of dark matter and DarkMatter™ brand nonsensoleum are both unlikely and coincidental.
You made me snort hot coffee out of my nose, you magnificent bastard.
951854 And in the end, that high school student is a fucking idiot for questioning the physics of a cartoon on talking horses.
'They started claiming there was a unicorn who was more powerful than me. So somewhat skeptical, we went into the main square and WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH???'
Best line ever
If Trixie ever comes back, I'm gonna get her in bed with me, just to show her that I'm better than her physically, mentally, and sexually. Three points, you dirty whore.
Omg Red vs. Blue reference
Oh geez, I died when I read this:
"Then, I broke the town's water tower and used it to give a barn of cows a happy ending. I used the cow juice to put the beast to sleep, and I levitated his fat ass back to the cave."
seriously, I didn't know if I could physically stop laughing. My laptop is covered in tears and my sides are on fire from laughing so hard.
FUcking laundry
"If Trixie ever comes back, I'm gonna get her in bed with me, just to show her that I'm better than her physically, mentally, and sexually. Three points, you dirty whore."
LOLOLOLOLO
I don't know if you were intending it, but I'm finding these sound incredibly sarcastic.
Again this proves to be a very funny fic.
Dear Twilight,
If I am no longer your teacher, why are you still sending me letters?
Princess Celestia
P.S. Luna has discovered the most amazing spell for making horns spin, send me cake and I will send the instructions.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
Too bad Twilight never got the chance to get Trixie in bed with her, not that Trixie would be any good at it.
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
While it is true that all ponies are
equineequal under Equestrian law, it is also true that some ponies are more equal than others.Also, I would like to request that you post notices around town to note the dangers of inbreeding. I fear that Ponyville might be in danger if it gets any more idiots such as the ones you mentioned (on which note, has Applejack ever mysteriously disappeared while mentioning something about her brother?).
Your Faithful banisher of family members, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: Why don't you make a new water tower yourself?
Oh you, Donut.
My good author please excuse this discression. Twilight seems to be coming of as a bit of a racist, I tried there was no other word to fit, and while this is comically funny in retrospect, racism is something that I don't find funny. Sorry.
I could spot a Red vs Blue reference blindfolded. Nice one.
ohmicelestia "sparkly care bear?" this is awesome! haha.
I love the part about Equestria's nudist colony. It does seem like it, doesn't it?
did you quote red vs blue?
Yay! RvB! I like this Twilight.
Mother of Celestia.....
2044933 i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/210/119/+_2acc5a8841f8752904d37f90a8014829.png
Nice RvB quote. It fits perfectly!
That P.S.
So worth it.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Oh we have some twixie action up in here, do we?
Habitat for Hicks?
Snips and Snails = birth defects? LOL
Poor Trixie
3406970 "Hey, bitch! Remember me? I saved something for ya!"
Donut for the win.
She tied two of it's fingers together? Nope. Oh, now she got it. She struck it's ass with the smallest bolt of lightning ever.
*its and *its