//------------------------------//
// Boast Busters 
// Story: Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student 
// by milesprower06 
//------------------------------//

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Boast Busters

Dear Princess Celestia,

Apparently Spike thinks a magic mustache would greatly help his chances of boning Rarity. Well, while I have calculated that the chances of him actually scoring are slim-to-none, I cannot have a bunch of dragon-pony spawn running around, so I took it away, telling him it was just for “practice.”

So when we started walking around, we ran into two of the biggest damn idiots in town. They started claiming there was a unicorn who was more powerful than me. So somewhat skeptical, we went into the main square and WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH??? Okay, I get why they think she's all awesome; this is a town of hicks, and her show is full of flashes and shiny things. Hicks like that stuff.

But a parlor trick pony better than me? Please. Sure, she hogtied Applejack, made Rainbow Dash sick to her stomach, and gave Rarity's mane an infinitely better color, but better than me? Hardly. That just proves that unicorns are better than everyone else, and in Rarity's case, that some unicorns are better than others, and I know that I'm the best unicorn in Ponyville.  In fact, just to avoid completely humiliating that cunt, I left to do my laundry. That's right, laundry. When I'm living in Equestria's nudist colony. And she believed me.

So I go back to the library and start doing a little research on how I can best show this bitch up. Meanwhile, those two bozos are tending to her every need. Maybe once I prove I'm better, they'll do that for me. As it turns out, I was just about ready before those two birth defects brought an Ursa Minor into town just so Trixie could vanquish it.

Yeah, you heard me right. She never said how she did it. She didn't say how hard it was, or if her life was in danger, just that she did it. So that's clearly good cause for bringing another one into town. How has this shithole not been destroyed?

So this sparkly care bear begins rampaging through town, and as it turns out, that preppy slut doesn't have a fucking clue what to do. She lied about fighting one on her 'travels', which I now assume are her nightly travels to the street corner. What's this? She tied two of it's fingers together? Nope. Oh, now she got it. She struck it's ass with the smallest bolt of lightning ever. Yeah, that just pissed it off. While I was hoping to one-up that whore on stage, I had to spring into action so you wouldn't have to send down your Habitat for Hicks program if this fucker destroyed this place.

So first up, I played some sappy shitty lullaby music to calm it down. Then, I broke the town's water tower and used it to give a barn of cows a happy ending. I used the cow juice to put the beast to sleep, and I levitated his fat ass back to the cave. Trixie of course told me I merely got lucky, until I told her that it was just an Ursa Minor, and she hightails it out of town.

I was hoping that by showing off like that, the other five would hate me and perhaps leave me the fuck alone now. Well, no such luck. They were impressed.

If Trixie ever comes back, I'm gonna get her in bed with me, just to show her that I'm better than her physically, mentally, and sexually. Three points, you dirty whore.

And to make sure Snips and Snails had no chance of breeding their idiocy to anypony else, I gave them enchanted mustaches, which would make them extremely repulsive to any female pony. And just to screw with him, I gave one to Spike. So perhaps the next generation will be just a tad less fucking stupid. But I'm not getting my hopes up.

Your fucking awesome former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. We need a new water tower.