Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.
Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Swarm of the Century
Dear Princess Celestia,
Alright, why don't we back the fuck up here. First off, NEVER ask me to give my friendship report in person. It takes time to organize all my thoughts into presentable form. So yeah, all that shit I just spat out about stopping and listening to your friends' advice was a load of crap.
Secondly, how in the moon do you NOT know what a Parasprite is? You've ruled for over one thousand years, and you don't know what a Parasprite is. Pinkie, Ponyville's drug lord knows what a Parasprite is for crying out loud!
So I spent the day helping Ponyville get ready for a visit from you. Why? I don't know. I didn't have anything better to do. Before going to check on the bakery, I noticed that the welcome banner said Princess Celest. They ran out of room. Even more unbelievable was that they managed to spell what they could fit correctly. The town folk surpass my low expectations again.
So when I get to Sugarcube Corner, I discover that Pinkie must have had a few hits of weed, because her appetite was once again out of control, and she partially devoured the dishes being prepared for your fat flank under the guise of taste testing.
Then Fluttershy showed up with three of these really annoying fairy things. Pinkie freaked, said something about a trombone, and took off. I figured I could take one home to keep Fax Machine company while I finished cleaning up the library. First I went to show it to Rarity and Rainbow. While on the way over to the boutique, it kept on shouting at me, 'Hey!', 'Look!' and 'Listen'. Damn it was annoying. By the time I got to Carousel Boutique, it had managed to multiply, most likely through somehow having sex with itself. Rarity and Rainbow happily took one each. Little did I know I was helping spread the plague.
The next morning, they had completely infested the library. For some reason, Rarity didn't seem to have a problem with them until she discovered they multiply via projectile vomiting. Remind me to disinfect every inch of this damn place.
Once we got them all rounded up and rolling out of town, Fluttershy, in some unsurprising fit of absolute stupidity, kept one because of how cute it was. Someone teach this ditz about pest control 101 please.
To add to the unfolding disaster, the binge-and-purge spell I tried on them only caused them to start devouring the town. So the next plan was to make an exact copy of Ponyville. Every building, every store front, every rock and every tree, right down to the orange roof on Howard Hooves' outhouse. And we actually managed to do it. But then when I realized that you were already on your way, we were going to need a little more time. I raced out with my friends to try and build a hilariously out-of-place toll booth to slow you down even more, but you had beaten us to the location. That, and Pinkie managed to lure the Parasprites out of town with a one pony marching band. How she manged to play that banjo with hooves and march at the same time, I'll never know, and I'll never care. So a druggie managed to save the town. Big whoop.
So there you have it. The reason I didn't give you my report in person was because of that insanity, and I didn't want to call all my friends fucking stupid in front of them.
Your pest-controlling former student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. We need building materials for half of Ponyville.
P.S.S. Don't worry, the new water tower survived.
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Oh legend of zelda reference.
I See what you did there
legend of zelda reference for the win
I was just thinking today that it's about time for a new chapter, and here it is.
Didn't find it as funny as the others.
For she wore a blazing saddle...
...She's less disgruntled, and more of a cynical bitch who hates everyone and everything remotely more happy than she is.
Is she not sending these? Or is that how she ALWAYS speaks to Equestria's equivalent to GOD? How has Celestia not bitch-slapped her with the power of a thousand suns yet?
796792
im wondering if Celestia's where she got it from
Oh how I love this bitchy mcbitchy pants side of Twilight.
Haha, love the Navi reference.
i think this is twilights venting diary and she is most frustrated at celestia so she made those in letter form
"A PURPLE SHERIFF?!"
Anybody who didn't get the fake town/toll booth joke needs to get on Netflix and watch Blazing Saddles. Right now.
Fluttershy, please express how I feel about a Blazing Saddles reference AND a Legend of Zelda reference in the same fiction:
Forget the Zelda reference, any gets those, I've never even played that junk and I get it, but the Blazing Saddles reference was pure gold.
796792 and/or banished her to the moon
818630 I have always thought the copy of a town was meant as a Blazing Saddles reference and he just expanded it
A Blazing Saddles reference...in an MLP fanfic? Mah gawd!
This is without a doubt the most entertaining version of Twilight Sparkle i've ever seen. I'm not sure what's funnier; her prejudice, her hypocrisy, or just her general dickery.
A Blazing Saddles reference...in an MLP fanfic? Mah gawd!
Pfft. If you're going to make a Blazing Saddles reference, put in some Celestia-damned farting cowboys asking for more beans!
"Pinkie, Ponyville's drug lord"
I'm going to turn that into a one-shot eventually, I'll put your story link at the beginning.
Screw the OoT reference, Blazing Saddles for the win.
This is getting surreal...
Post Script Script?
Omg, blazing saddles reference. I love you
Stupid Nazi. Always fucking something up.
Legend of Zelda reference.
Blazing Saddles reference.
I'm sure there's more in there but I can't place them.
This is great.
oh yay new water tower survived and navi bred
As someone who first watched Blazing Saddles when he was nine, thank you. Also that's what I immediately thought of when I saw the episode the first time. I couldn't stop laughing while my sisters wondered what so funny about Twilight saying that.
I may have to ponify Blazing Saddles now. Truly a labor of love.
It's P.P.S. (Post Post-Script)
1282624
Rainbow have strong feelings for Sherrif Sparkle
Looks like you've got yourself a fan
Uhh... Rainbow straight!
I don't buy it...
This is bucking hilarious. Best laugh I've had in a while.
Oh lol. I like this chapter lol
Problem is, this is the hoof I shoot with.
Surprised she didn't vent about Pinkie Pie not helping at all and bringing in the instruments at the last minute to save the day all on her own.
I could imagine this "Clearly that crazy druglord doesn't believe in being a team player not that it matters. The ponies who live here are all a bunch of morons."
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
If it annoys you so much, then why didn't you just say so? That way, I'll come over every week so you can give me a report!
Your Faithful Team-playing Teacher, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: Yes, I do in fact know that those creatures were Parasprites, but I decided not to say so because it was so cute to see you struggling to bring order to the unstoppable chaos unfolding in Ponyville
I owe you a shit load of dimes for making a reference to my all time favorite movie.
1800031
Dear Princess Celestia,
You enjoy pissing me off don't you?
Your unamused former student,
Twilight Sparkle
Any pony got a bit? Somepony's gotta go back and get a shit load of bits!
PSS: The new water tower managed to survive. OHMIGAWD!
Loved the chapter, and am loving the story, but I'm compelled to point out that P.S. stands for post-script, and so a P.S. should be followed by a P.P.S.
SAVE THE WATER TOWER, SAVE THE WATER TOWER!!!
The Zelda reference. THANK YOU for the Zelda reference.
Fuck you Navi!
MLP should have more blazing saddle references
I don't always read the comments on this fic, but when I do, it's because of some interesting reference.
861601 The bean scene gets me every time.
1394544 DO IT. Unless you already have, in which case, link please?
2048290 Hurry up, or we'll never make it to Ponyville.
3010299 I say more references in general to Mel Brooks' works. Jammed radar anyone?
3539868
*muffled voice* Spike, put the candle back!
"while on the way to the boutique, they kept on shouting 'hey' and 'look' and 'listen"
the zelda refrence
"While on the way over to the boutique, it kept on shouting at me, 'Hey!', 'Look!' and 'Listen'. Damn it was annoying."
^This. I lost it there.
A Zelda reference...
Hell yes.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Kids, here's a life lesson; parasprites masturbate
Yes, all of the Zelda references encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTJfU-YVYR77uHuTwMXQCmDvkq9m3BE4fK1N2bEZ50zO-eS_9-l
I laughed... so hard at this!
Toll booth...SOMEBODY GO BACK AND GET A SHITLOAD OF DIMES!
Oh gods, I'm going to die from laughing with this story, I swear, oh gods my sides