Dear Princess Whitesnake,
Here I go again. No matter how many times I get burned, I just keep shoving my metaphorical hands back into the fire. The summary of this letter is as follows: I’m dumb and did a series of dumb things. What started as a piece of fruit lodged in a windpipe quickly spiraled into at least one death and a plague of semi-sentient, omnivorous, vomiting clouds. No, that’s not hyperbole. I’m talking clouds in the sky eating whatever is nearby and spewing it back out as vomit.
I’m sure you have several questions, so I’ll do my best to explain. Get comfy, this is a long one.
The gf and I were on a picnic, right? Eating food, holding hooves, touching butts—typical gay picnic stuff. Trixy Stix thought it would be romantic to feed each other, so she floated a couple grapes into my insatiable maw. When it was my turn to feed her, I grabbed a plum and rammed it to the back of her throat before she could even chew.
You might be asking yourself, “Twilight, why on earth would you do such a thing?” The answer is simple: I’m dumb. The horse gods gifted me with the magical equivalent of retard strength, and most of the time I’m pretty k at keeping it in check. Today, however, I lost control because I was hungry. I wanted Trixie to get back to feeding me, so I tried speeding up her side of the process.
To the shock of absolutely no one (except maybe Stupid, bless his soul), you can’t breathe with a plum lodged in your throat. I immediately tried rectifying my mistake in the only way I know how. Can you guess what it is?
Drum roll, please...
...
...
...
...
Experimental magic!That’s right, Princess, good job. You win nothing.
When I realized Trixie was choking, I cast my unfinished vomiting spell I had been working on (don’t ask). The plum, along with the rest of her stomach’s contents, was ejected from Trixie’s mouth hole, covering our picnic in bile and partially digested food. Sounds like a mess, right? It got worse.
As we’ve seen before, Omnitrix has an uncanny ability to die whenever she’s in the process of being saved from dying. She had already begun casting the cloning spell before I made her spew. She exploded before the plum even hit the ground.
If that isn’t proof that we’re soulmates, I don’t what is.
So Trixie 3 (aka Hat Trix) was k. Our picnic was ruined, but that didn’t matter to either of us. At this point, I can hear you asking, “But Twilight, what about the cloud vomit?” I’m getting there, Princess Impatience, hold your horses. So rude.
We were in the process of cleaning up the squicknic when I noticed something. There was a lot more bile in Trixie’s vomit puddle than there should have been. After doing some non-invasive scans—the invasive ones came later—I realized she didn’t just throw up, she had expelled every ounce of liquid and semisolid matter in her stomach.
That’s important to note, okay? All the stuff in her stomach was now out of her stomach. That gave me an idea. And I know what you’re thinking, “Twilight, you’re dumb and your ideas are dumb,” and while those are both valid points, I’ve never been one to care about the quality of an idea until after the damage is already done.
My idea was to create a way to deal with rogue clouds from the Everfree causing unscheduled rain over Ponyville whenever the weather patrol missed one. If I modified my (still unfinished) vomit spell, I could use it to get all the stuff inside a cloud to go outside the cloud whenever and wherever I wanted. In other words, I could make the rogue clouds blow their loads before reaching town, eliminating the problem entirely.
As luck would have it, one such group of clouds was heading our way. If I had another couple of brain cells, I might have modified the spell and then cast it. In some alternate universe, that might have actually been the case. I would also be significantly less purple in that universe.
Basically, the spell was keyed specifically to cause the target to expel the contents of its stomach. Clouds don’t have stomachs, so the spell gave them one, complete with bile and random food bits, which they then began to spray across the treetops. In addition to the stomach, the spell also seemed to have granted them a minor degree of sentience. Don’t ask me how any of that happened, I genuinely don’t know. Luckily, the clouds emptied themselves before reaching Ponyville. Unluckily, their stomachs were now empty, meaning they were hungry. They sunk low to the ground and started sucking up plants, animals, our picnic—pretty much anything in their path, they didn’t seem picky.
I could have tried breaking the clouds apart before they did too much damage, but I don’t think I need to remind you just how dumb I am. Seeing as they were now technically living beings, I had some reservations about ending their lives. It’s weird, isn’t it? I only seem to care about the morality of killing when the beings in question aren’t capable of rational thought. If they could think and feel, you bet your ass I’d tear right through them without hesitation.
Anyway, the cloud herd passed overhead and started vomiting their recent meal all over Ponyville, then went back to giving everything the big suck. A couple buildings lost some shingles, but that was about the worst of it in terms of structural damage. We also lost half a dozen carts, two market stalls, and one of Pinkie’s hidden party stashes to the cloud vore, but those can all be rebuilt fairly easily.* They were puked back up just outside of town, so that part of the cleanup was way more convenient than the houses covered in plants and forest animals (all of which were mostly uninjured, by the way).
One thing I forgot to mention: the weather team tried kicking the clouds into pieces, but they kept reforming from their semisolid cloud-stomachs. It was fascinating.
They eventually blew over toward the west, so it’s not our problem anymore. The spell might fade, but I’m not sure if it’s gaining some sort of magical energy from temporarily consuming things. I hope not. Otherwise, there’s gonna be a herd of vomiting clouds roaming across Equestria for the foreseeable future. That would suck.
Your upchuck fuckup,
Twience Fiction* I also lost the kite I was trying to fly, but she didn’t think that was important enough to mention. It was the kite Luna bought for me when she was drunk-ordering stuff from a catalog. I miss that kite.
Love, Anon
wat
Twiggles fucked up again, as is usual. Also, RIP Anon's Kite, you will be missed.
This is exactly the kind of shit that's kept me coming back to this story. Yeah the snippets of conversation between Anon and Celestia are fun and all, but the main draw for me is definitely 'what will Purple do next?'
I wonder if we can find a section in the castle library that's labeled this
Honestly, the ability to sidestep imminent death via explosive reincarnation is an amazingly useful spell under the right circumstances. Too bad it's also so extraordinarily traumatic for all involved. Perhaps something could be done to make it a bit more salubrious, disintegration instead of dismemberment?
9981033
Apologies but we disallowed that form of teleportation due to too many questions being asked.
At first I thought that second message was from Starlight. Then I realized Anon wouldn't let her near him for risk of being double-purpled (even though she's not really AS purple as Twiggles).
Noooooo! Why does she have to kill everything that brings happiness to the world?!
9981066
Starlight is still being a commie in her town. The timeline for this fic is a little wonky because I didn’t want Twibbers to be a princess. I might introduce some things from seasons 4 and 5 at some point, but Twi will remain a hornicorn.
9981073
Whoops. Mah bad.
9981026
It’s all butts and failed necromancy experiments
9981083
True, though one mare's trash is another mare's treasure. Though, I'm not sure who would be insane enough to go through Twilight's trash for crap like that
9981073
Why? Just because alicorn purpleness would likely be enough to screw equestria in even more untold ways?
Or would it be because in order for Twigglelicious to ascend she'd have to actually become a sane pony being and learn how not to Purple?
RUN! CELESTIA IS A JOJO VILLAIN!
I guess since Twilight is the one dating Omnitrix here, it's Twilight 10.
9981033
Like the suicide tooth in Sekiro.
Also, like a different-cleanup version of the machine from The Prestige.
What the actual fuck.
Wow.
Everything about this meets every expectation I ever have whenever I see a new chapter of this to enjoy.
Exceeds a few, even.
The premise alone is outrageous and hilarious.
I often wonder when you'll run out of Celestia-names, and here you are dropping "Princess Whitesnake" on us.
There's even a bit where Anon expresses sorrow and wistfulness in that way that he does. Poor kite...
9981026
Could you imagine Sci-Twi and Magi-Twi putting their heads together in this fic? They'd probably damage the planet, clone it somehow, thus creating two of EVERY living and unliving thing only for the first planet to explode, shattering and wrecking the second one along with it, upon which time Discord would fix everything because without mortals to keep him entertained he'd be bored, but he'd leave all their memories of this intact in the hopes that they'd not do it again....and then they'd realize they'd basically created a galactic-scale weapon of exploding planets (which, by the way, they did not replicate the moon, meaning that there was no second moon, and their planet is now moonless because the exploding planet shredded it and over the next few centuries they'll have rings of rock around the planet and in the meantime will have to work out a way to defend against frequent meteor showers with asteroids the size of canterlot mountain.
The best/worst part of this is that it doesn't even strain belief. It's just... so, so Twilight. Especially Oldlight.
...
Wat?
mlpforums.com/applications/core/interface/imageproxy/imageproxy.php?img=https://meme.xyz/uploads/posts/t/l-40683-excuse-me-what-the-frick.jpg&key=a207eae201cad026409b0ef5fec9da470ac07d080872e878328b20afe5ed4f64
I see Snow just sitting in the comments section going “ I have to respond to THAT?” And it brings me no small amount of luls
What the actual fuck Twiggles
You know, I'm beginning to think the Everfree forest is the result of a past purple unicorn. Twilighte Spaerklee or something.
9981722
Well, time travel is a thing that exist over there. Sooo.... Maybe Twiggels purplesmarts is directly resposible for that as well.
Don't forget about the water tower, which is destroyed in nearly every desaster in Ponyville.
Celestia really need to consider putting some type of magic-restraint on Twience Fiction. She has too much power and not enough common sense.
Right at first, I thought that this was another Discord letter. Forget Chocolate rain. PUKE RAIN FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!
9981073
Well I for one believe the great and powerful trixie would be well suited to a purple harem!
I choked on my coffee Good work!
What in the absolute fuck did I read
...Why hasn't Twilight been stripped of her magic and locked away in Tartarus...?
I was just waiting for another “buckle the fuck up” letter! And what a coincidence that the Twix twins are once again involved!
Ive been reading all of these in the voice of Patricia Tannis from Borderlands and its been hysterical