Letter 86.4
Hey Celestia,
I’ve got some good news, some not good news, and some bad news.
Good news: Twilight figured out a way to recreate the effects of the Big Gay Laser without the involuntary time travel.
Not good news: We’re banned from the Mage’s Tower for life.
Bad news: Your mages suck. Those assholes spent half the time sucking each other off about how smart they are while Twiggy and the Shits did their jobs for them.
To start off, Stupid almost died three times in the first two days. The first time was partially my fault for not supervising him and partially his own fault for not thinking before shoving things in his mouth, but the other two times were completely the mages’ fault. “M’Lady’s most elite magical researchers” didn’t tell their coworkers that a changeling would be in the building. After the first rando freaked out and attacked, most people would have issued some sort of announcement about Stupid not being a threat, right? Not these guys. They’re too smart for that. Second attack happens, and guess what? Still no announcement. They kept on magically reinforcing their chastity belts, barely acknowledging that they almost got Stupid killed twice. Twilight had to take matters into her own hands and go from floor to floor handing out memos (she loved that part, even if she denies it). And no, the irony of Twilight “Fuck the Living” Sparkle trying to avoid unnecessary death is not lost on me.
Day three rolls around, and still no progress was being made. They hadn’t looked at the Elements even once yet. It turns out, they had been drafting their scientific papers the whole time instead of doing any actual science. Twilight locked them in the Purple Dimension when she found out and then gathered some interns to start the real work.
I’m sure you know the phrase “taking charge,” so I want you to imagine exactly what that looks like. Twilight didn’t do that. She grabbed charge by the balls and starting beating the everloving shit out of it. If charge was a person with two kids, those kids would have been broken and bleeding from the proxy damage their DNA took, one paralyzed for life and the other in a coma. I have never seen her get serious about something that didn’t directly involve death, but I now feel privileged to have witnessed it firsthand. One of the interns actually passed out from the stress. (So did Fluttershy, but she once passed out from sneezing too hard, so that was expected.) Spike was the only one who kept chugging along like everything was normal, which made him at least twice as helpful as everyone else combined.
By the end of the fourth day, she had succeeded in recreating the effects the Elements had on Stupid. To use scientific terms, she did a magic on some doodads and made a thingamajig that works the same way.
By morning of the fifth day (today), she figured out the time travel part and removed it. So now we have a totally-not-a-gun that shoots magical fixy bullets. We’re going to test it on one of the changeling prisoners you don’t officially have when we get back. Stu* made everyone promise to only use it if the other bug says it’s k, but I’m not sure I can hold Twilight to that.
She would have written you herself, but she’s currently catching up on all the sleep she missed. I think she was up for almost three days straight. Good ol’ Twigs.
Pretty much everyone is exhausted right now. Apple and Fluttershy are worried about their apples and animals, Rarity is worried about Sweetie Belle, Pinkie is worried about the party she has to put together for Stu, Stu is worried about his siblings not wanting to change, Dash is worried about not being fast enough, and I’m worried about not having something to worry about.
Anyway, I’ll see you in a few hours.
Love, Anon
P.S. - *I forgot his new name is Stu while I was writing.
P.P.S. - I just realized we forgot to let the mages out. I don’t know if they can breathe in there.
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WoW, now this was an entire chapter written in a letter way, pretty good man, keep them coming.
An exultation of Twiggles, from Anon himself. That's high praise indeed.
Aaaaand then she had to ruin it with forgetting the mages there. Well, you can't win them all
I'm pretty sure that somewhere on the 'List of things that Twiggles is not allowed to do', there's something regarding 'letting the intern handle it'.
Fuck me, that's the best sentence I've read all
daymonthYear.When Twilight takes charge, there is no minimum safe distance.
9926684
Are you fucking kidding, leaving those amateurs where they can't do any damn harm to the study of magic was the best thing she could have done to them.
Oh look, reasons to alicoronate this bag of vibrating neuroses and nitroglycerin.
Bravo.
9926684
If they couldn't magic their way out, what kind of wizards are they?
9926684
No, Anon forgot about the Mages. You're assuming Twilight forgot about them too,... She may not have.
9926713
If there isn't one, they could always start by copying Arca's list, lord knows he's had some shenanigans.
9926831
"Alicoronate", hah!
Haven't heard that one before. That's a good one.
And if the mages never got released, who gave the order to ban Twilight?
On the bright side, at least we have plenty of documentation on the Elemental Plane of Magic. Also a reformation gun!
Do not point it at Discord. Please do not point it at Discord. You would not survive long enough to pull the trigger.
9926831
The key is teaching her to vibrate at just the right frequency to make shaped charges. This isn't normally how vibration works, but that's where the magic comes in.
9926916
Not the same universe, but maybe start by revisiting some of the earlier letters?
This one had so much good stuff chocked into it, I can't list them all without just copy pasting the whole chapter. Needless to say (I'm saying it anyway) well damn done.
I... don't know how to respond to this.
I feel like Celestia wouldn't know how to respond to this.
... I'm sleeping on this one, cause holy wow.
9927066
Dear TWIGGLES
THANK YOU!!!!
17 years and very little science from them, while they sucked up Research grants and Caviar and Rare Wines.
Sincerely Sunny Sun Horse
PS. The Curators in the Wine cellar also send their thanks.
PPS. Seriously, most of those wines are best sipped from small delicate chalices not flagons a dwarf would be envious of
9926684
In fairness she just finished doing their job solo, a minor mistake that can be solved when she wakes from her coma is perfectly acceptable.
Twilight finally did a good. That's a good pony.
9927066
"I go through tower mages faster than cakes on a bad day, Anon. It's fine. There's nothing relatively little in the way of magical mishaps you can report to me that I haven't heard before but worse."
9927066
Other than trapping a bunch of scientists in a dimension that may or may not have breathable air, I feel like this is the Twiggles I have come to know and love. Do not get between her and science or there will be pain, and she will do in hours what should normally take months.
She locked them in a storage closet didn’t she? I bet they already ate their robes...because most ponies don’t have shoes to eat.
Oh crap! That's all I can think of right now.
...
You know, we really need to get a tally going. Shall we say, herself half a dozen times, indirectly Trixie once, count Stu as half since he was considered dead there for a while, and however many researchers she just merked? Am I missing any bodies?
That's adorable.
No idea if it was done on purpose (I suppose it is) but nonetheless , you missed a perfect opportunity to say the "Twilight Zone" right there.
Does that mean that Twilight accidentally went Darth Vader on them? Under Vader's command, if you're worthless (or just incompetent) to The Empire(TM) then you're worthless to him. If you're worthless to him, be prepared suffocate to death and be replaced.
9927766
Nah, that's what Anon will call it once it occurs to him.
9927766
God dammit, why didn’t I think of that
I wonder how much Purple they are able to endure...
On other hand, Ponyville endures Twilight for years now, so they should manage a few days.
I think "Twiggy and the Shits" is officially my new nickname for the Mane Six and Spike.
I think this very well could be the best letter you've ever written, not just on a storytelling level, but also on a comedic one. THe names were hilarious. What happened was hilarious. Just, everything was.
I hope you intended to miss that opportunity.
"My bullets heal for negative damage"
Twilight's getting some insane character growth in this chapter. And I mean every definition of the word "insane".
9930040
Death spell to an undead be like
m y f u c k i n g l u n g s. I legit had to stop reading for a bit because i was laughing so hard at anon's description how twilight took charge XD
One might be worried about the Purple Dimension, but they were probably already brain dead before going in so it's fine