Letter 116
Dear Princess Sunday Funday,
Remember that thing you keep saying about not giving artificial life a conscious mind? I sure don’t.
I was in the mood this morning to make some more golems because why not. I normally use mud, but I felt like switching things up this time. For the first one, I used cereal and grape juice. And yes, that is absolutely an unholy combination, but I thought it was a good fit thematically.
When it started moving, I thought to myself, “Wow, that was a mistake. Let’s make it talk.” And so I did. It wasn’t very nice. It kept saying, “kill me,” which is rude on multiple levels. One, it was basically saying to my face that the life I gave it wasn’t good enough. Two, it was trying to saddle me with the responsibility of killing it instead of jumping into the disposal on its own. Needless to say, I kept it alive until it dried out to teach it a lesson.
I made the second golem out of oatmeal and goat milk. I named him Goatmeal. He’s not very smart and kind of a dick, but he smells nice. I’m using a preservation spell to keep him from going bad, but I still need to give him a steady supply of goat milk so he doesn’t dry out. He doesn’t deserve such a fate.
Most of his vocabulary right now consists of childish insults, which is objectively funny even though I refuse to laugh. When I have more time, I’ll teach him to read and write, hopefully expanding his lexicon and ruining any fun Anon and Spike were having with him.
Your terrible parent,
Doctor Frankentwi
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This is gonna end horribly.
Fucking hell Purple stop it!
This is the second most Purple thing that's happened all week. And it's only Monday...
Was that a Sonic reference?
10089392
End? It's already way too Purple, and it barely began.
10089394
At this point, is not even really funny. Twilight is genuinely scary. She in fact reminds me to some depictions of Discord: not as evil or sadistic as much as Fey-like level of warped morality.
And yet, Celestia continues letting her go scott free.
I'm surprised Ponyville is still populated.
Next up she'll be making golems out of snow and vegetables and they'll throw snowballs at people. What do you mean a game already does that ?
Looks like PSmart's meds need to be adjusted again...
It's at this point Celestia should do everything in her power to rewrite Twilight's mind to something more approaching Starlight Glimmer. Because this is beyond cute Puddle Worms.
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This is just evil-insane Twilight.
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10089446
oh gods, why is puddle worm twilight so fucking adorable!? how!?
I'm starting to think that the Elements of Harmony only chose her to wield Magic because the alternative was to let her wander the land unsupervised. Without the other five girls, Spike, Anon and two several thousand year old demi-goddesses to keep her in check, she'd be the single greatest force of discord in the land (big D Discord included). As it stands, she's still probably the fourth biggest. And that's on a bad day. Like, season finale bad.
So... Just to be clear, we can’t shoot twiggles with the rainbow blaster, right?
10089428
And on that note, keep her away from quicksand and burnt skulls at all costs. The last thing we need a rogue wannabe necromancer to do is to summon a GOD OF UNDEATH AND DECAY.
What the actual hay Twinkle Sprinkle.
This has gone from funny to downright horrifying! I honestly prefer scorch’s crazy-sane Commander Twilight to stupid-insane Purple Smart. Oh, and today’s Tuesday.
Now I want some grape juice...
We know she was mucking with the mirror pool... apparently there's not enough in the way of notcrazy meds to go around.
The country, I mean, if there's multiple Twiggly McBonkers running around.
Also, obligatory "I've made a
robotgolem that screams" joke.10089392
We all know the outcome will be Pinkie mixing in brown sugar and inhaling the ungodly abomination whole.
The first time it pleaded for death, its cocoa puff eyes bled a thick, dark brown ichor that smelled oddly of coffee. The second time, its blood streaked face was covered by an almost mosaic veil, and the cinnamon flavored rod of puffed rice cereal that was its mouth was hidden by a twitching black mass that cast an unsettling reverb upon the spoken words. The glitchy cloak never went away, and the next time it begged to be offed, a rift opened in the sky over the town square. From this rift poured a massive gloop of peanut butter flavored nougat. The fourth time, a cloud shrieked in agony and zoomed off into everfree airspace, leaving behind a trail of smoke from its flaming tail. One final time, time itself constricted, everything was moving in literal double time. When the plea once again was spoken and unanswered, the constricted time was released. Like a spring, time shot back to normal, but overshot into dilation. Then it bounced back and forth between sequencially lessening degrees of constriction and dilation, before settling back in the origin point. By this time, everyone around the world was either groaning dizzily on the ground, or for those flying individuals who were beyond a certain height above ground with no clouds to fall on, very dead red stains. Time was being altered, but it didn't change anyone's perception, because an unholy abomination did it, and a wizard did that.
When Celestia got this letter, she steeled her face and cast 'Remote Smite - Golem'. This destroyed every golem in existence. Why did she need to steel herself? Because she just killed the 500 newest recruits to her guard that was being expanded because of recent events, and she also murdered her closest friend of the past 800+ years. As the spell concluded, she allowed herself to cry as memories of that delightful pony of finest lumber holding her tenderly as she wept for her lost sister, dancing with her when she had a fleeting moment of whimsy, and even that one time she helped him with his morning wood. It always perplexed her how a wood golem could start to grow a beard. ...what? Oh no, not that morning wood! That's a pony term. No, this was wood golem equivalent of 5 o'clock shadow. You silly....
Is this supposed to be some kind of workaround to her fails with Necromancy? Because so far, I have a bad feeling that it's just going to end horribly
10089405
Ehh, a little necromancy here a bit of temporal magic there some quick clone spells and a few golems sprinkled around and they’ll never be able to tell the difference.
Aren't we on our second or third twilight by now due to backfiring clone-takeover prevention magic?
10089858
That we know of really. The number could be MUCH higher.
10089619
No she will bake if with tapioca pearls
Just wait till she mixes timberwolf carcases, blood and meat.
A nightmare of an unholy abomination.
10089901
so yeah, second generation clone degradation, among other inauspicious stuff. I really miss the reply letters~
10089465
By that logic she should be turned into an alicorn too. I presume that Harmony could nerf her more crazy leanings by ascending her. Or at the very least: she trying to become immortal (and succeeding) would make much more collateral damage than simply turning her into an immortal alicorn (for her "achievements").
In the most extreme case, turning her would cure most of her insanity, but that would be the end of this fanfic.
10089858
at least 3rd body, but the same Twilight. Remember the spell backfires because the "copy" is perfect and literally shares the same soul which is prohibited by nature in that world.
10090122
They cloned her corpse once when she was in the mule’s body (RIP Corn Cobbler) so she’s had 4 Twilight bodies but only lived in 3 of them. At least that’s what’s shown in the letters. She might actually be in the dozens by now.
10090122
we are at least in the double digests if not triple
By this point I'd say Twilight is approaching Heterodyne levels of sparkishness, absent only the megalomaniacal desire to ravage the countryside with a horde of abominations.
10090288
I recognize that there was a pun there but I don't understand it.Ahhhh, I get it.
Are you referencing what I think you're referencing?
10089405
I mean cannon Twilight has always been a little off the deep end so it's not nearly as far fetched as it should be.
10091169
Don't tell me what not to suck on.
10090427
She is clearly testing various abomination models here. Give her time and she'll pin down her Jagermonster.
10091279
Aw man, don't even joke about that. The last thing we need is for her to spike her friend's drinks with Jägerdraught as a fix for that whole "immortality problem".
10090427
You're wrong, of course.
She's already tried the ravaging several times.
10092918 Here’s hoping Celestia’s willing to let God land a plague in Equestria. Because the Velvet card’s NOT working!!! When is Twilight Velvet coming to set Purple Smart straight!?
10093112
yeah, that... that makes sense.
Grape juice and cereal? Really? Nasty.
> Goatmeal
Is... is this the origin of Grogar?
Celestia: Twilight, please, *turns to her* can you Mc’Fuckin’ not for once?
10089451
Behold the glory of Twiggle Piggle!
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10097085
I love all of these but I absolutely died at the kirin queen.
>>
She's going to drive Anon to drink with his safety Loli again, I can tell.
10100970
There are others floating around. There's an artist name and website on the images so you should be able to find more there if you're interested.
10104674
"Thou Shalt Not Transform Others". Is part of the Seven Laws of Magic in the Dresden Files serie.
In general, anything involving killing with magic, changing other, messing with their minds, necromancy, time travel or summoning Things That Should Not Be are a big no-no for the White Council and punishable by decapitation or any other form of execution.
Now that I think about it, Purplehorse hits ALL the marks.
10104820
If we are going by Dresden Files rules, then Twilight constantly dabbling in areas of black magic might be corrupting her soul bit by bit and making her addicted to using that power.
That seems like it would explain a lot.
Screw it, Imma toss one in because I had a good idea that I don't wanna let slip.
Cellywelly Sunbuns,
Don't question how Twonk did it, but she somehow retconned one of the 25 letters in English. I guess it should be 26? She screwed with my memory. Everyone's memories. Once she gets over most of her books getting deleted from existing since they used the letter in question, I'll force her to write you.
-Big green
Princess,
I'm forcing my monkey to write this since I'm still sperging over muh book collectiontm. Turns out screeching for shouting contests with Pinkie n' Discord disrupted the equilibrium or something, but my motormouth is 2quick4nonny. Long story short is I somehow used up one of the vowels. So I decided, since I'm dumb n' purple, the best solution is simply using spells to force everypony to forget. Now I forget too but I'm still purple n' dumb. Send help or new books without the letter... uh... send help.
-Twilight Sprkle
10113240
Jesus thats actually clever. You didn't use it once.