Dear Princess Sunbutt

by 2Merr

Letter 83.1

Author's Note:

Response to this

Tia,

Oh thank god. You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that. I used to scratch Sweetie Belle on her chest, so when I found out the truth, I was scared the police would knock down the door at any moment and arrest her for letting me do such a thing. I’m glad she won’t go to jail, but I’m still never touching anyone’s chest again, just in case. Since I now know it’s a spot for committing lewdity, that’s all I’ll be able to think about while touching it. And according to what you said, me thinking it’s lewd is what will make it lewd. Ponies make less and less sense the longer I live here.

At least I don’t have to live as a hermit. I had this whole plan where I was going to write you a tearful goodbye before venturing deep into the Everfree to build a new life. But before completely cutting myself off from society, I was going to confess all my sins, like how I was the one eating all of Luna’s squeeze cheese, but I kept telling her it was you; or how I used to call Luna the best princess because I was trying to get a reaction out of you; or how I played down Twilight’s body count because I didn’t want you to lock her away; or how I was getting Discord to retrieve human movies for me in exchange for acorns; or how I would sometimes steal Spike’s food gems to bribe Rarity into making Sweetie Belle wear a bunch of cute outfits; or how I haven’t paid any of my horse taxes for the money I make selling weird plants from the Everfree.

But since everything is k, I don’t have to tell you any of that.

I’ll be in Canterlot with Twilight visiting the museum tomorrow, so we can talk in person after that. If you need me to hang around in the palace until you finish princessing, I don’t mind.

Love, Anon

P.S. - I really hope you didn’t tell Luna. I don’t want her to turn me into a frog again.

Comments

[Level Dasher]

P.S. - I really hope you didn’t tell Luna. I don’t want her to turn me into a frog again.

That means Twilight would have to kiss him, right? Blegh.

[FrostTheWolf]

or how I played down Twilight’s body count because I didn’t want you to lock her away

... Okay, I might be behind, but when did she ever have a body count?!!

But since everything is k, I don’t have to tell you any of that.

You just did...

[Allsmiles]

(... I can't help but wonder how much of the 'confession' was just a joke to get a rise out of Celestia... especially the 'Twilight's body count' part.)

[recentteen14]

9914978
I mean, we know of at LEAST 4- 3 of which is herself and one of which is Trixie, though that ones more of an 'She enabled Trixie's suicide' thing. Anything past that and... well, use your imagination.

[Raistlin]

Hope that Rarity never read this letter. Otherwise she will make her new dress with his skin.

[Neece]

9915005
Please, paid her dress Sweetie up. if anything she'd do it again for free.

[FanficReader920]

Wait, "again?!"

Also, I love how Anon and Celestia's relationship has evolved over these letters. I love these two stories so much!

[HylianJuggalo]

PAY YOUR FUCKING HORSE TAXES

[Reykan]

“She turned me into a frog!”

“A frog?!?”

“...I got better...”

[Fireeaters]

Sweetie bell luring Anon into her white van with promises of beer and classic rock cds

[TheMWord]

Honestly the acorn thing might be my very favorite here. Why does Discord want acorns? How did Anon arrange this trade? Why doesn't Discord get his own acorns? Is he limited to only getting movies which have come out already?
What a great little weird bit to include.

[dzamie]

9914981
I'm focusing on the "used to." It's now sincere, I assume.

[PonyDragon]

I used to scratch Sweetie Belle on her chest, so when I found out the truth, I was scared the police would knock down the door at any moment and arrest her for letting me do such a thing.

If it makes you feel better, it wouldn't be her who would go to jail...

[The Big Y]

9915531
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/3/31/1695415.jpeg

[vinyldash23]

But since everything is k, I don't have to tell you any of that.

Was Anon always this much of a moron. Yes? k.

[howard035]

9915120 To paraphrase Oliver Wendell Holmes, "Horse Taxes are What we Pay for a Civilized Horse Society."

Besides, no horse, no horse taxes, amirite?

[Kadigan]

If you need me to hang around in the palace until you finish princessing, I don’t mind.

Lovely.

[Alicon Glactistar]

Oh god.

[Sir Starshine]

There is literally nothing in this letter I didn’t laugh at!

[Bronzer]

9918868
No, he knows telling her like this means she will brush it off as a joke, letting him go scott free and reducing the chance anything suspicious she notices will be attributed to his confessed wrong-doings.

[Thor447]

or how I would sometimes steal Spike’s food gems to bribe Rarity into making Sweetie Belle wear a bunch of cute outfits

Could be worse I suppose
Sweetie Belle best loli?
We need to deploy headpats, stat!

P.S. - I really hope you didn’t tell Luna. I don’t want her to turn me into a frog again.

...again? What did he do the first time I wonder

[Poparakelis]

LIAR LUNA IS THE BEST!