Yo Tia,
I’m mad.
There were so many cool things that could have made Zambie, but it ended up being a byproduct of a byproduct of Twilight fucking Sparkle. Lame. Pinkie was also kind of involved because she was a catalyst for all this. And I guess so were you, technically. And maybe me, I don’t know. I’m so mad right now.
Where do I even begin? You remember those two demons Pinkie summoned, Scribbles the Skinless and Dave from Accounting? You remember when Scribbles came back and you nuked him so hard the universe broke a little (super hot, by the way)? Yeah, that was Act 1 of Shitshow: The Musical.
Act 3 started when Pinkie reused the old contract to summon the pair of demons again. Why did we skip Act 2? Because fuck you I do what I want. Pinkie did her thing, but only Dave was summoned because Scribbles doesn’t exist anymore (again, hot). Here’s where the bullshit starts to appear. Since the contract specifically listed Scribbles and Dave as a pair, it was impossible for Dave to fulfill it by himself, meaning he was stuck here until he or Pinkie died (she’s fine, don’t worry). That’s bullshit, right? It gets worse. Demon magic is apparently as arbitrary as pony magic. You’re not allowed to kill or harm whoever made the contract, but it’s perfectly fine to make it easier for them to die.
Dave may be a demon, but he’s not good at planning demises. He’s an accountant with a minor in culinary arts. His original plan was garbage. But lucky for him, someone else came along, told him he had a garbage plan, and then gave him a better one.
Enter Zambie. Zambie was created to destroy anything vaguely Pinkie-shaped. It wasn't targeting her specifically since it stayed in the Everfree, so it was A-okay according to demon logic. Anything that got in the way was just as likely as her to die. Pretty brutal, right? Do you want to guess who made him? If you guessed Twilight, you’re only half right.
This brings us to Act 2, which is the reason I’m mad. One of Twilight’s mirror pool clones escaped and fled into the Everfree, where she holed up in your old castle and started doing necromancy shit. Our Twilight had no idea her clone was involved, so at least there's that. Yeah, by the way, Twilight has apparently been messing around with the mirror pool this whole time. Did you not know? Me neither. She didn’t tell me. She told Trixie. Not me. I’m so fucking mad.
Love, Anon
P.S. - Dave and the clone are both toaster bath now thanks to Luna. She can give you more details when she gets back since she was the one who did the interrogating, but it might be a while before she finishes yelling at Twilight. In the meantime, she keeps her squeeze cheese in a safe at the back of the pantry. It's behind a false panel on the left side, you'll see it if you look close. 8942 to shut off the alarm, 3496 to unlock. Take exactly two cans and hide them somewhere in her own room, please and thank you. I don't ask for much, but I need this right now.
It's not nice using someone's phobia against them as punishment, Anon. I think that would be labeled under the cruel section of Cruel and Unusual Punishment.
At this point Demons should create a policy about never answering pony summonings, much less making contracts with them.
10279996
Wasn't anon asking Tia to get Luna's squeeze cheese and put them into Luna's room?
I miss the response to this. I imagine the one to this one would be great.
Dave had it rough, but at least he wasn't Bob.
Also, I'm pretty sure giving one sister access to the other's secret part of the pantry is a violation of the Bro Code.
NOOOOOOOOO!! SCRIBBLLLLLLLEESSSSS!!
Oh Twilight.
Dear Anon,
I'm looking through the telescope as I'm writing this, and it's looks likes she is starting hour 2 of her 6 hour long rant. Feel free to join me tomorrow for my 4 1/2 hour lecture at Pinkie Pie. Followed by a 1 1/2 hour oral test. If she does not pass, you get to take her summoning license, and tear it up. Afterwords, you me and Luna can have a relaxing spa trip. I haven't had a good fire stone treatment in years.
From
Tia
Did you plan this all out?
... Oh dear. Pinkie just violated the restraining order against us by under-dimension 34-1b. Doesn't anyone understand what this is going to do to the price of mayonnaise?
10278572 An OCD purple yandere sounds about right for Twiggles. It doesn’t help that she’s a yandere for mad science.
10280266 Welp, at least I know how to make mayonnaise from scratch.
Fucking called it.
10280150
Anon clearly doesn't think Luna qualifies as a bro.
Celestia does qualify, so she probably won't use the passcodes Anon gave her.
Not immediately, at least.
10280465
I guess one can always count on purple brain to be purple.
Whose cheese?
Why isn't Twilight under constant surveillance? She's clearly a very unstable pony, and she has a lot of magic power.
I want to know HOW he knows this, am afraid to know, and so desperately want to be like this man when I grow up.
10280249
Mostly, yeah. I’m probably gonna do a lore dump in a blog post when this story is done so I can explain the timeline of Twilight’s experiments, where she lied, and all the little things no one cares about, like Twilight's extra torso space, or why she still hasn’t gotten that haircut. I don’t think I can flesh those things out in letter form without hamfisting it in a way that would be too difficult to make funny.
If I'm getting the undertones of this right, Anon isn't mad about the mirror pool, the zombie, or the demon. He's mad that Twilight didn't tell him something but trusted Trixie with the info instead.
10280658
You know, I'm starting to suspect Anon's origins. This purple nurple might have done things, and it would be entirely within her ability.
I'm not sure how they should do it but I think Twilight has earned some form of ban/suspension from using magic for at least a little while, whether that be something like 1.a anti magic horn ring 2. sending her through the mirror for a while with explicit instructions to both her and Sunset that she is not allowed to do any form of magic experiments unless they are truly against the wall in regards to a threat. 3. Find a way to hit her with the Elements of Harmony.
10280670
To be fair to him, it's not like this is particularly out of the ordinary for her.
10280658
I'm glad to hear you're putting in the effort to keep things consistent. A lot of authors seem to think that not revealing things means you don't need to plan them and then wonder why their work collapses into a mess of plotholes and unfortunate implications.
10281348
That list of authors includes certain prominent Hollywood "creatives" who will go unnamed.
For some Scribbles just sounds like the potential offspring of Discord and Twilight: Scribbles the Book Worm.
10280658
Make a chapter where you fist as much ham as possible.
10283373
Yeah, that's one of many reasons I've given up on the industry. I made an exception for Joker based on Doomcock's review, but I'm not even looking to see what movies or TV shows are being made these days.
This is amazing!
I feel bad for Dave.
RIP Zambie
Yay! I'm caught up, and WTF Purple?
10333493
I was actually talking to the guy who posted it. Seemed like he wanted to talk to a specific person about filling in that role. It didn't occur to me to redirect him to your blog though. Apologies.
10333503
My bad for misunderstanding. I think he was originally addressing me by not quoting anyone, since I got a handful of comments like that after the replies stopped. And you don’t have to apologize for not knowing about the blog post, I don’t expect everyone to have seen it.
10333682
Unfortunately I did read it, I just didn't process said knowledge's implications in this instance, having only read the blog once or twice several months ago.
I tend to have issues where remembering and following through on things is concerned, and it never occurred to me that said information was relevant to his question.
10281021
"Anonymous. I Am Your Moth-" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" "Anonymous are you going to stop any time soon?" "Um NO?!" "Fine, Carry On. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I find myself at a loss for words but surprisingly not surprised it involved the mirror pool, demons, and twilight...just two of those alone in combination makes anything possible.....imo that is.....
Dear Anon,
Thank you for, as you say it, the 'heads up'. I have a lot to do, but thank you. The deed is done, and Luna's room will be full of ants by the time she came to it, but I know you planned for that already.
Your busy friend,
Celestia.
To: Twilight Velvet and Night Light
I am... sincerely tired of this all. Come to the palace at your earliest convenience, but hasten if you can. We have a lot to talk about.
HRH Celestia.
My most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,
Attached to this message is a one-use 24-hours train ticket to Canterlot. Meet me ASAP, and expect to greet your parents.
We have a LOT to talk about, and I am not going to sugarcoat this; you disappoint me.
Sincerely and honestly,
Your mentor, HRH Mata Hari the II, Celestia.