Yo Tia,
I’m mad.
There were so many cool things that could have made Zambie, but it ended up being a byproduct of a byproduct of Twilight fucking Sparkle. Lame. Pinkie was also kind of involved because she was a catalyst for all this. And I guess so were you, technically. And maybe me, I don’t know. I’m so mad right now.
Where do I even begin? You remember those two demons Pinkie summoned, Scribbles the Skinless and Dave from Accounting? You remember when Scribbles came back and you nuked him so hard the universe broke a little (super hot, by the way)? Yeah, that was Act 1 of Shitshow: The Musical.
Act 3 started when Pinkie reused the old contract to summon the pair of demons again. Why did we skip Act 2? Because fuck you I do what I want. Pinkie did her thing, but only Dave was summoned because Scribbles doesn’t exist anymore (again, hot). Here’s where the bullshit starts to appear. Since the contract specifically listed Scribbles and Dave as a pair, it was impossible for Dave to fulfill it by himself, meaning he was stuck here until he or Pinkie died (she’s fine, don’t worry). That’s bullshit, right? It gets worse. Demon magic is apparently as arbitrary as pony magic. You’re not allowed to kill or harm whoever made the contract, but it’s perfectly fine to make it easier for them to die.
Dave may be a demon, but he’s not good at planning demises. He’s an accountant with a minor in culinary arts. His original plan was garbage. But lucky for him, someone else came along, told him he had a garbage plan, and then gave him a better one.
Enter Zambie. Zambie was created to destroy anything vaguely Pinkie-shaped. It wasn't targeting her specifically since it stayed in the Everfree, so it was A-okay according to demon logic. Anything that got in the way was just as likely as her to die. Pretty brutal, right? Do you want to guess who made him? If you guessed Twilight, you’re only half right.
This brings us to Act 2, which is the reason I’m mad. One of Twilight’s mirror pool clones escaped and fled into the Everfree, where she holed up in your old castle and started doing necromancy shit. Our Twilight had no idea her clone was involved, so at least there's that. Yeah, by the way, Twilight has apparently been messing around with the mirror pool this whole time. Did you not know? Me neither. She didn’t tell me. She told Trixie. Not me. I’m so fucking mad.
Love, Anon
P.S. - Dave and the clone are both toaster bath now thanks to Luna. She can give you more details when she gets back since she was the one who did the interrogating, but it might be a while before she finishes yelling at Twilight. In the meantime, she keeps her squeeze cheese in a safe at the back of the pantry. It's behind a false panel on the left side, you'll see it if you look close. 8942 to shut off the alarm, 3496 to unlock. Take exactly two cans and hide them somewhere in her own room, please and thank you. I don't ask for much, but I need this right now.