Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Hearth's Warming Eve
Dear Princess Celestia,
So, it's that time of year again. The Hearth's Warming Eve pageant. The grand old tale of how this nation of ours was founded. And what's more, you want me and my friends to play the lead parts. Of how three separate nations came together in a time of crisis and we all benefited as a result.
You know what, I'm gonna level with you, your highness. You may be a pain in my ass, and one of the best trolls Equestria has ever seen, but I've gotta say, compared to what it could be like, us Equestrians have got it pretty damn good.
I was browsing through some books in the library, and wouldn't you know, there were some civilizations in eons past who had these systems called 'democracies'. Needless to say, these were some of the most disturbing books I have ever read.
Now bear with me, not all of the book was frightening. The section on direct democracy, where ponies who got up off their asses actually had say in what their government did, wasn't too bad. It could actually work. No, the section that chilled me to the core was representative democracy. Yeah, an elected pony to represent a group of ponies. By Your mane, do you have any idea the number of ways that could be a disaster? There were several documented events where disaster did occur. As per the way representative democracy worked, each region of a nation elected an official political pony to represent them in the nations capitol, along with all the other representatives. Get this, some of them kept voting to give themselves raises on their already exorbitant salaries. Did the ponies they represent do anything? Oh, hell no. They were too busy in their day to day lives to give a fuck what their government was doing. They were pretty content to just bitch and moan, and not actually do anything about it. Another thing that bothered me was how in most cases, there were just two major parties. Who the fuck thought that was a good idea? Of all the problems nations face, you just want two candidates? Two plans of action? So when an opposite party gets power, you just waste your fucking time undoing what the other party did? How about no? Independent third parties never stood a chance because the fucking stupid-ass populace just kept staring at the two major parties like the idiots they were. But the one thing that absolutely disgusted me the most, was one particular democracy from eons ago. I don't believe this society was ponies, but I couldn't find any record of what species made it up. But get this; every four years, this nation would hold a general election to decide their most politically powerful leader. Seems simple enough, right? The popular vote decides the leader? Not quite. It turns out there was a system in place known as the Electoral College, which decided the outcome, not the popular vote. I crunched some numbers, and figured that it was very possible for a leader to be elected through the College, but not have the majority of the popular vote.
Needless to say, there wasn't a doubt in my mind as to why this species no longer exists. I would not be able to gather enough pity for the fucking degenerates that allowed their country to be run that way.
So while you're still a cunt, I feel that we're lucky to have you calling the shots. No pointless arguing among politicians. No voting. No electoral bullshit. It's your authority, and if anyone disagrees, they'll have an absolutely amazing lunar lifestyle.
I still have a sense of pride for our ancestors that formed this great nation. As they were in that cave, the winds howling outside, they weren't arguing, bickering, or pointlessly debating whether or not the ice forming around their bodies was due to climate change. No, they decided to accept their fate and fucking love each other. And because of that, we are here today, prospering.
Because unlike those pointless politics, we can think outside the chimney.
Your proud nationalist former student,
Twilight Sparkle
My feeling have been channeled so well in this one...
Oh my fucking god this has got to be my most favourite chapter yet!
I'm kind of surprised Twilight didn't start interpreting how loving each other might have warmed them up.
So I take it you took that blog commenter's advice and watched political adds until you felt spiteful again?
I love how Twilight describes herself at the end of each of these letters . Another brilliant letter, lol at the references to American politics.
i can see why that can work, but than you have same carzy ass people out there
American politics is why we can't have nice things. Thank you, McBitchypants Twilight.
My father has always said this to me.
"The perfect form of government ever devised is a Dictatorship. The only problem is, humanity has never found the perfect Dictator."
So the simple solution to fixing the US is to appoint a benevolent dictator. Good luck finding one.
...shoot, there's a HiE idea. Celestia enters the human realm and conquers/liberates it. After initial resistance, humans realize that she's a hell of a lot better than most if not all of their previous leaders.
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1558085
Yeah, same here
[insert rarther nasty rant about uk politics here]
How about a parody of the friendship letters and not just a political rant? If I wanted to read /pol/ material I would go there.
Damn, this one's a gem. Still cackling like a madman here.
So what I'm getting from this is that Romney is Celestia.
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1558127
wouldn't have fit with the oh-so-subtle political satire.
i was kinda hoping on an actual parody of the actual episode... but this was ok. i lold but i was hoping for something more.
Just in time for the US elections.
This is why I fucking love you.
Bravo! Bravo! Couldn't have said it better myself. I love this chapter. :D
And, I as a Spanish who is sure his political system is fucked up, could not be offended, but instead very honoured, as another mind likes to complain in such a beautiful way. Thank you very much, you clever bastard.
1558095 Was this so much a reference as a basically blatant pointing out of us?
1558137 For this to be a political rant, I'd have to be hating a particular part of politics.
Nah, I'm just hating on the whole damn system. If you don't like it, don't read it. Just wanted to do this to get the election season bullshit off my chest.
I've seen car accidents more subtle than this chapter. Funnier, too.
Loved the political rant
1558186 I thought about saving it for Election Day, but then I thought "Who the fuck am I kidding? I'm gonna be playing Halo 4.
Right in time for the election. But you forgot to mention the part where lobbyists and banksters come in and buy off both the parties. So regardless of how they look, act or what they promise, they're going to be the same thing anyway due to the continuity of agenda.
I would have loved to hear her opinions on how the play went or her opinions on the characters in the play. Twilight's thoughts on Pudding Head would have been side-splitting.
Also this one got a bit wall-of-text-ish. But it's still a short chapter so it's nothing too bad.
Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to finish season 2 before season 3 comes out.
Keep up the good work.
1558156 You better hope to Celestia that this doesn't start a fight.
It's inside the chimney outside the box
A bit preachy, but... okay, it was very preachy. I could almost see the soapbox. Not your best work, honestly. Still looking forward to more, though.
Actually Bitchpants McCrabby, we're not there anymore because some asshole created a bunch of mutants and we left to colonize other stars. We shall soon return, signalling the end of days. But at least in the end of days you finally get laid, so it isn't all bad.
1558253 Oh shit, you're right.
You know, I bet Quills and Sofas keeps Celestia in power, I fucking bet you! Damn corporate giants.
1558255 Yeah. I would vote for Romney, but I'm too young. *kicks theoretical pebble* Dammit!
1558113 Your father is a wise man.
1558266 ...fuck.
1558255*snortle* Don't you mean...Romney?? *snicker snicker snicker snicker*
"Because unlike those pointless politics, we can think outside the chimney."
Ive got to quote that. Somehow, somewhere.....
Unlike most here, i have no problem with this particular commentary, that presidential election and two party system really looks ridiculously retarded from an outsiders viewpoint. No matter how bad politics and politicans in current germany get, i can always look to america and think: "Compared to that. its not so bad".
1558269 Then they get Celestia to pass restrictions, fees and taxes on companies that harvest feathers and trees (and/or other materials needed for quills and sofas), all under a disguise of environmentalism. But Quills and Sofas is written as exempted from the bill. So any competition is taxed out of business and Quills and Sofas, having a legal monopoly, has complete control of the market. Everyone, Celestia included, gets a big fat paycheck. Except the factory workers. They're laid off and the factory is moved overseas where workers make two bits per day in life-threatening conditions.
Why is it only in fiction does any form of government ever work? And even then, not really, what with the whole Nightmare Moon and Discord stuff?
1558228
So how was I supposed to know this would be something that is totally opposite of what it's position as a "story" on a "story site" would suggest, and thus not read it?
"DL,DR" is not a valid argument in this case.
1558344 Fine, you want a parody of the story? *points to parts 1-36*
Truer words have never been said. Our system needs a major rewrite, how the hell did we end up with two primary political parties anyway?
1558353
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1558362 Obviously, I was not aiming for the point with this chapter. I was getting crap off my mind after a rather depressing day.
Very very funny. *imagines Equestria's moon as full of dead dissidents*
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1558156 I read it differently... in my opinion, both the religious nut and the illegal alien-in-chief are worse than C'Thulhu. Actually, maybe C'Thulhu would not be so bad a President.
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1558391 She would have my vote, in that case.
Your best chapter yet.