Rad: Don't Call it Fight Club
"Stevie... STEVIE!" Dan dodged with a fraction of a second to spare. Captain America charged by 'ree'-ing like an annoying train. Having already been on one of those today, Dan was not amused.
"Stevie, that's not very nice. Now, I know they did something to you-" Cap grabbed Dan by the collar, snatching him up like a garbage bag and flung him in the same motion. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" And he crashed into the glass barrier. Face mashed cartoonishly against the wall for all fans to see, he peeled off partly and slowly slid to the ground.
Before Dan reached the ground, Cap was over him. He bent over the smaller man, looking him in the eyes like some sort of deranged predator. It was clear Steve Rogers was not at home right now and even leaving a message wasn't likely to help. The taller man snarled at Dan with bloodshot eyes and grabbed him by the collar yet again, yanked him up before he touched the ground. Again, Dan was flung in a single quick motion, as if Cap had been chucking an empty briefcase over his huge shoulders.
Captain America was quick. Compared to Dan, he was faster, stronger, built like an Olympian made of steel. And that was before what happened to him. Now, Cap was a full foot taller AND wider, his bulk had increased exponentially and he basically looked like he guzzled steroids. His feet, hands and head were still a bit on the small side, despite his arms, legs, neck and body looking like an over-stuffed sausage.
Despite this, he maintained his speed, if not his sanity. Dan raised himself half up, still sitting on the floor and for a moment, Cap did nothing. Cap stared at Dan like a gorilla would stare outside of its cage, incapable of fully comprehending the entire situation. His eyes held that deranged sort of anger that a lobotomized person might hold, a mixture of anger and curiosity.
"Oh hoho-hoho!" the Magistrate laughed. "Not doing so good, eh Dan? Your friend Steven's been a bit, shall we say, enhanced."
"You turned him into a roid monkey!! You floating purple tampon!"
"Blahaha, wait, what? Tampon?"
"You look like a Prince fanboy got hit in the head with a toaster!" Dan shouted. "Captain Injection here, I can deal with, but you-*CLUNK*" Actually, Dan only thought he could deal with Captain America here. The Cap himself, far larger and quite fast, was able to whack Dan around with his shield.
Oddly though, Captain America seemed confused by the shield. His crazed form seemed to have lost the ability to wield his symbolic signature tool, now puzzled and awkward with it, yet bound to it. A bit dazed, he looked up at the man he used to call his friend, watching him shift uncomfortably as he fiddled with the shield on his arm and hands, switching from one to the other, unsure how to use it. Finally, Cap put the shield on his head like a hat and grinned, having finally decided.
This was the true corrupted Captain America. Everything he was wasn't gone. The noble man was just buried under chemicals and magic, a potent cocktail of techno-mystic-genetic poison that altered him into this state. Dan didn't know this for sure, but just maybe, some part of Steve Rogers remained underneath all of Rice's scientific corruption.
"Steve! Steve!" Dan called at him. The success with his shield had momentarily distracted him, but no longer. He turned to Dan, slack-jawed. "Nice helmet, Brooklyn. They're going to call you Captain Special Needs from now on."
Insensitive as it was, Captain America didn't understand it. But he did understand that he was being taunted. Scraping the ground with his foot, he lowered his head. Dan braced himself.
"Reeeerrrr... reeeeerrr...ree... ree... reee... reeeeee... REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Cap charged, full speed at Dan with his head lowered like a pathetic patriotic-looking battering ram with no plan past impeachment. Yeah, I'm not unbiased, this is still free, by the way.
Dan was completely prepared for him this time. He grabbed the edges of Cap's shield, shifted his weight to one side quickly and spun around Cap as he charged by. The motion whipped Cap around, causing him to lose balance and fall, but less than a second later, he was up again.
"RALLLLGH!" He roared at Dan, absolutely ape that his hat had been removed, and jumped at him. Dan raised the shield like Captain America against Captain America and the larger human's fists came down on it. A gong-like sound reverberated out as he pounded at his own shield, not smart enough to just take it from Dan. He continued hammering down, bashing the shield with his giant, overly-muscled arms. Dan may have been pushed back a step or two, but he stood firm, bracing against the man's assault. The shield, as was its design, took most of the force.
"WHY. WHY U NO FALL DOWN. WHY YOU NO FALLSH TO SHTEVEN?!"
Dan flashed a grin. "You know, I could do this all day."
That stopped Cap. The mentioning of one of his own quotes, one of his own sayings he held onto, it reached something deep inside the hulking monster. "THATSHHHHHHH... thatsh wha I... I shas."
"Yes, Stevie, I know. You told me that, you said that to me once. Remember? That delivery at SHIELD headquarters? Remember when you argued with the driver?" Dan asked. Was he reaching him? He had to try something. He brought up the first time he met Steve Rogers, back when he was helping with the remodeling at SHIELD's L.A building. "The driver wanted you to sign for something, but you said you couldn't, so I tried to fight you to make you sign it?"
Captain America's face was slack-jawed again, but not angry. "Youss... youss..." The man couldn't speak without drooling at least a little. "Youbbbb bbbuhhh..."
"C'mon Steve," Dan said. Panting, the smaller human's eyes sparkled with hope.
"Yous... youuuuugggsss..." Steve snarled. "YOUSSS INS MY WAAAAAAYYY!!!" Cap charged him again, lunged at him and tackled him to the ground. He then quickly headbutted at Dan, Dan blocked with the shield, but the force of the blow drove the back of the shield into Dan's face. Cap continued slamming his own face into the shield thereby slamming the shield into Dan, causing Dan's head to repeatedly bounce off the floor and back into the shield. Suffice to say, Dan was not having a fun time.
At the same time, Rarity and Dr. Whooves were watching the events in the magic viewer window thingy.
"So this is basically Fight Club?" Whooves said.
"For the third time, this is NOT Fight Club," Kelsan, the Imperial officer said.
"But it's a club," Whooves persisted. "With fights. And it's underground."
"This is NOTHING like the movie 'Fight Club'. I don't know where you're even getting that idea from!"
"Because it's a fight club," Whooves replied. "So it's basically like Fight Club."
Kelsan pinched his eyes shut in frustration. "This argument is pointless."
"Right," the Doctor said, folding his hooves. "And I'm sure you and your friends aren't in on this. We saw your friends before we came down here. You honestly expect me to believe you're not running this show?"
"The Magistrate is the one that runs things!" Kelsan said, pointing at the floating purple figure on screen. "HE's the one behind all this! He's been capturing people all over the place and forcing them to fight."
Rarity nudged the Doctor. "Darling, you're sure this is the best time to... question them? We're not exactly in the right circumstances to be choosy."
Doctor Whooves raised an eyebrow. "And? Dan doesn't trust anyone you go along with him?"
"Yes! But why exactly are you picking just now to take his advice?" Rarity whispered aggressively. Aggressive whispering, adorable and still ladylike, though Rarity would prefer the term 'prompt yet polite inquiry.'
"BECAUSE IT'S THE FECKING GALACTIC EMPIRE," Whooves exclaimed.
Norman tugged at Kelsan's shoulder. "Sir, we have a new problem."
"Wonderful. What is it now, sergeant?"
The stormtrooper pulled out his datapad. A holographic display of a ship appeared, one Kelsan recognized.
"Well, that's... fuck."
"Feck."
"Whatever. How long?"
"Minutes maybe," Norman replied.
"Fantastic. We need to get moving."
"Excuse me," Rarity interrupted, "but what was that?"
Kelsan turned, something between grin and grimace on his face. "Your friend, Barro's found us."
"Ahh, right, right," Whooves nodded. "Who is Barros again?"
"The pony from the news, Doctor," Rarity explained.
"Ahh, yes yes. Him. The former tellycaster shelling us from orbit?" Whooves asked. They nodded. "Yes, him indeed... oh! Didn't Dan say he had a way to beat him?"
Rarity nodded. "Yes! He did! Dan's quite good at plans. If we can get to him before... well, before poor Captain mashes him to a pulp."
"Wait one moment. You're saying Dan knows a way we can shoot Barro down?" Kelsan asked. Both stormtroopers crowded around him. "Did he say how?"
"Well, um, he didn't mention how. But he seemed quite confident," Rarity explained.
"Why do you care? We're underground. Surely he can't hit us here, can he?"
Another nervous grim from Kelsan as he tugged his collar. "Oh, he can... and likely will try if he isn't already. Especially us."
"Why especially you?"
"Your friend, Barro, isn't a fan of the Empire," Norman explained.
"We've confirmed he was aiding the Rebellion, raising an army on Equestria. Elite pilots, prototype ships, his own private fleet," Joseph added.
Kelsan nodded grimly. "He's obsessed with destroying the Empire. And he has the means to do so with that ship of his. The railgun mounted on it, we've never seen anything like it. It destroyed our ship before our weapons were even in range. That weapon is truly terrifying. Goes through shields, through armor... through everything."
"A gun that can pierce any armor. Like a sword that can break any shield," Rarity said.
"Bit poetic," the Doctor remarked.
"Yes, so erm, you'll understand my uh, skepticism about Mister Dan's plan to stop THAT."
The Doctor thought for a moment. "Maybe he's not planning on stopping it."
"What?"
The ceiling rumbled. Several of the lights flickered. A few of the magical view thingies suddenly went to static.
"We need to get out of here."
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Incoming 8)
Possible gas leak,, see you guys later.
Apologies for my late visit Mr Barro, I’ve recently discovered a new Japanese horror writer and have been engrossed in his, honestly fecking creepy stokes ... there’s one series about a town cursed by a spiral and another about a girl who’s so beautiful every man falls in love with her and promptly tries to murder her ... and every time this happens each individual piece becomes a new creepy girl ... pardon the language but it’s some creepy *bleep*
... omone can stop the serial or the creepy chick, it’s scary! But knowing Dan would never submit to either a giant swirly or some vain little witch make sure me feel better 
now without further delay:
A new chapter means it’s ~Sunday~
now lemme see n’ere *dons reading glasses*
Dan is fighting against ... ah crap I forgot: Stevie’s been Hulkified! :pinkiegaso: someone’s gonna gets smacked for this! Preferably the annoying purple dealie and his idiot cronies! (C’mon dudes, the fact you refuse to talk about it just makes me certain it’s Fight Club!)
Wait-wait-wait AH COME ON! Stevie was remembering! Either whatever was done to him was super powered or someone like the Director is mucking this up for us just to torture us further!
Annnnd Barro Broadcaster is about to bring the place down ... and not in the fun way! Run for it Dan! You too Rarity! (And the Doc if we have time to save him before the scene change!if not we can just copy him from an older Save File!)
Now for my favourite quotes:
As someone who also listens to cautionary tales about Neckbeards I was immediately reminded of that from this little scene! Seriously pick any good YouTuber who reads them and more than if it was meant to be scary or ominous sorry, the fact poor Cap is incapable of using his new punch power to max efficienxy just made me laugh
Overall my heart goes out to Dan for fighting his friend, Cap for his current predicament and Rarity for having to endure such behaviour ... was there someone else? Meh *shrugs*
Like always thanks so much for making my week and giving me my weekly reset, and I’ll be eagerly awaiting the next! Really hope you are okay Mr Author and keeping well, stay safe
Awesome as always and I’ll see you ~next time~
Your Eternal Fan :heart^_^
9683275
No creepy stuff, please! We're not even close to Halloween yet.
And yes, Cap has been hulkified. I was wondering if someone would pick up it was a reference to the Flutterhulk. Does that mean Fluttershy is Captain America's spirit pony? I think it does. As far as the political jab goes... again, I'm not perfect.
As far as me personally, I do thank you for caring. Things are starting to settle, finally, though with the way things have been, I don't know if something else won't happen at any time. Like you say though, this is a weekly reset and I want to give it to you, my beloved audience that I am eternally appreciative for and all fans of Dan and ponies. It's a reset for me as well and one I look forward to having every week.
Oooof, what a fight,
Nicely written.
Well, Dan has my shotgun sooo, he's on the right track to breaking anything he wants really...
~Dollars
Honestly that feels like the hulked out on venom mini bosses from Arkham Asylum.