The story of a man named Dan and all his friends in Equestria.
The adventures of a man named Dan and all his friends in Equestria. This story is full of whacky jokes, dated references, corny moments and even a few songs and plenty of randomness to delight fans of MLP: FiM, Dan and all things related to them.
This is an episodic story written and updated weekly on Saturdays over the course of a nine-year period. Written by Barro the Broadcaster with help from some friends.
Pilot/Episode 1: The Spectacular Origin Story- Dan Vs. The Airlines
The sun set on a beautiful Ponyville day. Twilight and Spike walked back to their house and noticed how the lovely light of the sun bathed the town in a beautiful orange glow. They'd said good-bye to their friends at the train station and departed, closing the chapter on their recent adventure in the Crystal Empire. They were both happy to be back home.
Twilight gripped the knob with her magic and opened the door to her house.
"And where have you two been?!!" A loud voice demanded. Standing in the foyer of Twilight's house was one of Twilight Sparkle's houseguests, Dan. The pale-skinned, dark-haired biped stood with balled up fists at his side, teeth gritted in an expression of fuming rage.
Dan, as Twilight knew him, was a very loud creature from another dimension. Known as a 'human', he was the only one of his species Twilight knew was in Equestria. At the moment, anyway.
"I'm sorry, Dan," Twilight apologized as she entered. "We kind of had to leave in a hurry and you weren't here at the time."
"I was out getting groceries!" Dan shouted in exasperation. "I come back to find both of you gone and not so much as a note left to tell me where you went!" Dan had a reputation both on Earth and in Equestria for being... easily disgruntled. He had a tendency to let little issues anger him, leading to irrational overreactions about otherwise small problems. While there were some individuals, even in Ponyville, who at times let little things get out of hoof, Dan took things to the next level. Often, he would seek vindication for himself against those who he perceived had done him wrong. This time though, Twilight could see how he could be upset with her.
The purple dragon and alicorn walked over to Dan. "I'm very sorry, Dan," Twilight reiterated. "We were only gone a couple of days. I told Fluffle Puff to tell you where we were going... where is she, anyway?"
Dan looked up to the roof of the house. "She discovered the ceiling fan," his voice had immediately changed to a slightly calmer yet disappointed tone as he explained.
Spike raised an eyebrow. "We have a ceiling fan?"
"Had a ceiling fan," Dan clarified. "Now we have a disco ball."
"What?"
"Turn off the lights."
Curious and confused, Twilight walked over to the light switch on her wall and turned it off. The room was immediately illuminated by a swirl of tiny lights that circled the room. Twilight looked up to the ceiling to see a glowing pink magenta ball rotating with pin-pricks of light coming out of it. The pink head of a pony poked out of one side of it, hooves dangling to the floor. Fluffle Puff looked to be having the time of her life as she slowly spun.
"She's been stuck up there since you guys left."
"What? Why haven't you tried to get her down?" Twilight flipped the lights back on.
Dan shrugged. "I don't have wings or magic."
"So you just left her up there?" Spike asked.
"I tried to pry her off with a ladder and a spatula. I came down twenty minutes later and the spatula was missing; I think her fluff absorbed it."
Spike put a claw on his chin. "Did you try spraying her with water or something?"
"Spike! She's not a cat," Twilight chastised her assistant.
"No, I did try that but she kept drinking the water."
Spike shrugged. "Well, at least she stayed hydrated."
Twilight sighed. Using her new wings, she flew up to the ceiling. With care, she untangled Fluffle Puff's fluff from the blades with a spell. The pony's body made a noise like Velcro as she was removed from the fan. Twilight then sat the pink puff ball pony on the floor and landed next to her.
"How was she making all those lights?" Spike asked. Fluffle Puff responded by coughing up a flashlight. Spike's reflexes caused him to catch the regurgitated light before it hit the floor but he quickly dropped it, recoiling from the gross, spat-up item.
Fluffle Puff stared at Twilight for a split second before gasping and embracing her and Spike in a fluffy hug. She licked the cheeks of both and then ran past them into the kitchen. The fluffy pony wasn't just a ball of hair; she was also a ball of energy. Twilight didn't even bother to ask how she'd gotten on the ceiling in the first place.
"You guys are always doing things like that," Dan continued, still upset. "You're always going off on some random errand and leaving me here with that pink demon and the Queen! In fact, if it wasn't for Queen Chrysalis, I would've left here a long time ago!"
"Since when did you start liking Queen Chrysalis?" Spike asked.
Dan turned away. "I've always felt strongly about the Queen! Her grace, her radiance, that power, it's just so much! There's no more beautiful creature in all of this world and she deserves all of our love!" he announced, placing a forearm on his head dramatically.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Uh-huh. So, where is she?"
Dan turned back around. "She's probably out displaying more incredible, selfless acts of her good nature somewhere! You know how she is; always trying to help somepony in need."
"Really?" Twilight asked, a grin forming on her face. "I guess Chrysalis can be a good friend. I just wish she'd do something about the B.O," she said casually, eying 'Dan' with a peripheral gaze.
The dark-haired man gave his right armpit a self-conscious whiff. "I don't have B.O. And I shower every-"
"Ah-ha!" Twilight interrupted. Twilight aimed her horn and the imposter was enveloped in a magenta aura. The creature claiming to be Dan was lifted into midair.
"Hey! Put me down! What's the big idea?!"
Spike walked over and pulled up Dan's pant's leg. A round hole was just above the man's pale ankle. "Drop the act, Chrysalis. We know it's you," Twilight said.
"Drat..." the imposter said, his voice sounding liquid-like. "I still have trouble changing into bipeds..." The form of Dan quickly flashed and in a burst of light, transformed into the dark visage of Queen Chrysalis.
"Is it too much to ask for some peace and quiet around here?" Queen Chrysalis moaned, descending to the floor. "I was just getting used to the two of you being gone."
Spike folded his arms. "Just because we're not here doesn't mean you can glue Fluffle Puff to the ceiling fan."
Chrysalis blushed. "Actually, that was her idea."
"Oh," Twilight said. "Well, at least that's been taken care of now. Everything else looks fine," she said, looking around. "I don't think we forgot anything..."
Just then, the real Dan descended from the staircase, brushing his teeth. Spike waved at him.
"Hey, Dan! You do all right while we were-"
Dan's toothbrush fell out of his mouth as he noticed the two. He gritted his teeth, his eyelid twitched and it looked like his face was about to boil red. "And where have you two been?!!" he shouted.
Twilight and Spike explained what had happened in the Crystal Empire to their three guests. Chrysalis and Fluffle listened intently, hanging on the two's every word as they detailed their latest adventure. Dan sat with arms folded, still angry at the fact he'd been left behind.
"Well that's fantastic!" Dan yelled sarcastically. "Once again, you went off on some magical quest and you neglected to tell me! You always do this to me; you take off with all of your friends and you leave me here alone!"
"Dan... I'm really sorry," Twilight said. "But I did tell Fluffle Puff we were leaving."
"And you expected her to tell me?"
Fluffle Puff sat beside them, staring into blank space with her tongue out. She occasionally 'pbbthed' when someone finished a comment.
Spike shrugged. "I left her a note."
Dan turned to the pink ball. "You had a note all along and you didn't give it to me?!" Fluffle "pbbthed" again in response.
"Well? Where is it?!" Dan demanded.
A paper airplane shot out of Fluffle's fluff. Dan grabbed it.
"Dear Dan," he read. "Spike and I are going to..." he trailed off, his voice fading slowly. Frowning, he crumpled the paper and stood up.
"That does it. I'm out," Dan said, his voice flat with apathy and discontent. He walked towards the door.
"Dan wait," Spike said as Dan walked past him. "You don't have to leave."
He huffed. "I'm not sticking around where I'm not appreciated."
"But Dan..." Twilight trailed off. It was very clear the man intended to leave. "Where are you going to go?"
"I dunno! Someplace where I feel welcome, I guess!" He opened the door to Twilight's house and was greeted by the cold night air and stars in the dark sky above.
"Don't do this, Dan!" Twilight pleaded. "We're still friends!"
Dan turned at that comment. "Friends?! You spend more time with your five other friends than you do with me! And I live in the same house as you!"
"Well hey, I live here, too," Spike defended.
"Just because I don't have an Element of Harmony and I'm not a pony doesn't mean I deserve to be left behind while you're out saving the world!"
Twilight stopped and thought. She did tend to leave Dan alone when she was doing things with her other friends. She looked over at Spike who was casting an innocent glance at her. Dan wasn't the only one.
"Where are you going to go?" Twilight asked.
"I'm going home. Back where my friends actually bother to keep me in the loop!"
"Back to Earth?" Twilight asked. Dan hadn't spoken much about his home since he showed up. Twilight still had no idea how travel to another dimension was even possible.
"Yes, Earth!" Dan shouted. "Not like I have any other choice. Back to my studio apartment... in North Hollywood," his voice became laced with venom as he mentioned his home. "But at least there I'm not completely ignored!"
"How're you going to get back home?" Spike asked. He scratched his chin with his claw. "In fact, you never even told us how you got here."
Dan turned around slowly, teeth gritted and closed the door. "Oh, so you want to know about me now? How I got here?"
Spike and Twilight exchanged glances. "Yeah, if you don't mind."
"All right, fine! I'll tell you how I wound up in Equestria... but then I'm gone!" he declared.
"All right, Dan," Twilight nodded in agreement.
Dan walked into the center of the living room. "Thinking back, it was a day like any other day," he began. Twilight and Spike took eager seats on the floor. Fluffle Puff and Chrysalis appeared from the kitchen and took positions nearby to listen. Individual bags of popcorn sprouted out of Fluffle Puff's utility fluff. Spike grabbed one and proceeded to indulge while paying attention.
Trans-Atlantic Flight Random Made-up Number
Somewhere over the Pacific
"Attention passengers, this is your captain speaking," the voice from the intercom said. "On behalf of Trans-Tolerable Airways, I'd like to apologize for the slight navigational error. We should be arriving at San Garry's Mod International in another ahhhh... three hours."
The passengers in the cabin emitted a unanimous groan. "Slight navigational error" was an understatement; the pilot was obviously using this term to describe the fact that he missed the approach to San Garry's Mod airport and would've ended up taking the flight all the way to Japan if a flight attendant hadn't said something. Flight Random Made-up Number was originally supposed to be a short couple of hours from northern Canada back to California. Now, somewhere over the Pacific, the passengers were beginning to get agitated.
Dan, Chris and Elise were not pleased as they had to continue sitting in the cramped middle aisles of the coach section of the plane. Recently, the 'coach' section had been renamed the 'convenience' section as to avoid negative annotations.
"I don't believe this," Dan grumbled. "How does a plane MISS where it's supposed to land?"
Dan's friend Chris sitting next to him shrugged. "Maybe it's his first time in the area and he got lost?"
Dan paused for a moment, processing the suggestion and questioning his friend's intelligence. "...he's a pilot! How do you get lost in the SKY? Did he forget which way is up?!"
"If there's a problem with the instruments, it's actually very easy to lose your sense of direction while flying," Chris's wife Elise commented.
"So what is he going to do?! Stop and ask for directions?!" Dan shouted. A flight attendant passed by them. "Should I draw him a map?!! Go up to the cockpit, point over his shoulder and say, 'Hey genius! That's California!'"
"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to remain seated," she instructed him.
"I AM seated!!" Dan raised his voice in anger. What was wrong with this airline?!
"Sir, I'm asking you to remain seated," the attendant repeated. Dan said nothing back. His eyelid twitched and he gestured to his seated position with both hands.
"Very good, sir." The attendant continued walking past.
The intercom crackled. "Attention passengers, we're about ready to begin your in flight movie: Revenge of the Nerds."
Dan's attitude changed immediately. "Wow, this might not be such a bad flight after all. Did you guys hear what movie they're showing?" he said, enthusiastically.
"Revenge of the Nerds? You actually like that movie, Dan?" Elise asked.
"Why wouldn't I? It's a classic, comedy gold! The acting in it is fantastic and the characters are amazing! I especially love that guy who plays Booger! The rest of this flight might not be so bad after all!"
Elise raised an eyebrow at Dan but didn't say anything else. At the front of the cabin, the flight attendant pulled down the screen for the film. Just when it reached the bottom, it snapped and rolled back up. She reached up to grab it and pull it down again. Once more, it snapped and rolled back up.
At the edge of the center aisle, Dan watched in frustration as the attendant struggled with the projector screen. Finally, she pulled out some duct tape and taped the projector down. Dan was relieved. The woman than got on her own private intercom and addressed the passengers in 'convenience' class.
Dan grumbled in his seat, growling like an enraged animal.
"Sir," a flight attendant stopped by him. "I'm going to have to ask that you remain seated."
That didn't make any sense. "But... I am seated! I can't not-remain seated!"
The flight attendant looked down at him. "Sir," she said in a sterner voice, "I'm asking you to remain seated."
What did that even mean?! "You're not making any sense! I'd have to stand in order to not-remain seated and-"
"Do not raise your voice at me, sir."
"You'd better calm down, Dan," Chris cautioned him. Was he supporting this nonsense?
Teeth gritted, hands balled, Dan gestured back to his seated position as he shook with anger and said nothing back.
The flight attendant hovered over him for a few uncomfortably quiet seconds. "Very good, sir," she said and went off.
The other flight attendant at the front of the cabin returned back from her station.
"Um," she began. "We only have one copy of Revenge of the Nerds on this flight. So the first-class passengers... I mean, the 'luxury'-class passengers are going to be watching that."
"So we don't even get a movie?!" Dan shouted again. A good portion of the cabin erupted in indignant outcries.
The attendant held up a hand. "Now, hold on. We do happen to have another in-flight movie for this cabin."
Chris smiled. "You hear that, Dan? They do have a movie for us. It's not gonna be that bad."
"So, for the viewing pleasure of all those in coach... I mean, whatever. It's Biodome with Pauly Shore," the flight attendant held up the movie.
Dan turned to Chris slowly, his rage building again. "...you were saying?! What am I going to do for three whole hours?! How could this possibly get any worse?!"
"But the good news is, it's on Blu-ray with ninety extra minutes of bonus features." Yet another uproar of dissatisfied groans was emitted from the passengers. The duct tape holding the screen down let loose and the screen rolled up again.
"This is fantastic," Dan said sarcastically. He leaned his head out into the aisle to try and see into the first-class cabin ahead of them. For a brief moment, he saw the corner of the first-class screen, only because it was so massive it took up most of the wall it was over. Another flight attendant closed the dividing curtain as she passed.
Dan balled his hands into fists, then leaned forward and grasped them behind his head. "I just want to get back to my apartment... I hope Mr. Mumbles is okay. She gets so lonely when I leave her for long trips."
"I thought you got kicked out of your apartment," Chris said.
"Wait," Elise interrupted. "You got kicked out of your apartment? When did that happen?"
"Last week," Chris answered. "Dan had a little problem with management at his apartment building."
"I was sick and tired of the vending machine at my apartment complex being out of order all the time," Dan began. "Despite multiple complaints and recommendations that it should be fixed in the complex's suggestion box, it remained broken. So, I did the only logical thing anyone in my situation would do."
"He stuffed the vending machine into the suggestion box," Chris revealed.
"That was my suggestion," Dan justified. "It wouldn't fit though."
Chris nodded. "So he hit it with an aluminum bat repeatedly and left it on top of the suggestion box in the main office."
"How did they find out it was Dan?" Elise asked.
"There were security cameras set up in the office." Dan turned away as Chris explained. "They installed them because someone made a recommendation... in the suggestion box."
"I just want to get back home!" Dan whined. He covered his face with his hands in despair.
Chris put a comforting hand on Dan's shoulder. "We'll be home soon, Dan. Why don't you read a magazine or something?"
With a heavy sigh, Dan slowly picked his head up. Looking forward, he grabbed one of the in-flight magazines from the pouch in front of him. What other choice did he have?
He tried to open the small brochure-sized piece of reading material to find the pages were stuck together. Placing his fingers on the edges, he tried to pry them apart. The magazine ripped along the insides rendering both pages illegible.
Dan's eyelid began twitching. "That does it... that does it!!" he began shaking with rage. He placed his hands on the center of the magazine's weak binding and tore it in half, then tore it again, ripping it to shreds.
"Sir," a flight attendant practically materialized next to him. "I'm going to have to ask you to remain seated."
Dan turned to her, exasperated. "But... but I-I am-"
"Sir," she said in a sterner tone. "I'm asking you to remain-"
"Grrrrrraaaaaaarrrrrghhh" he growled at the woman, about to explode.
Chris grabbed him by the shoulder again. "Dan, take it easy," he tried to calm him down.
Practically foaming at the mouth, entire body vibrating with a toxic anger, suddenly, Dan snapped. He realized there was nothing he could do to make the flight get to the destination faster. He was just going to have to deal with it. Releasing a slow breath, he turned to the flight attendant.
"Can I get up to use the restroom, please?"
The flight attendant nodded. "Of course, sir. It's at the back of the cabin next to the emergency exit."
"Thank you," Dan smiled and rose from his seat. "Be back in a minute guys," he told Chris and Elise.
Dan walked to the back of the plane feeling a little bit better just accepting his circumstances. He noticed the other passengers, some grumbling just like he had been. Dan would've still been just as angry as they had been but he reminded himself that soon they would be back at the airport and he would be home. Of course, what passed for home right now was his car. He didn't really have to use the bathroom at the moment but sitting somewhere quiet for a few minutes would give him some time to center himself and relax. And plot his revenge on the airlines.
Yes, he couldn't do anything at the moment... but when the plane landed, Dan was already devising a plan to make sure the pilot never got lost again. Which is why he was taking the ruined magazine with him to the bathroom. He was going to draw the pilot a map straight to California in whatever crude a fashion he could manage. And then he would forcibly tape it to the pilot's instruments along with his opinion of the airline.
He reached the back of the plane and saw the restroom right next to the emergency exit. He thought that was somewhat odd; someone could very easily mistake one for the other if they weren't careful. While the emergency exit door was clearly marked and the handle and surface were differently designed, they were right side-by-side. It would be something else he would bring to the airline's attention one way or another.
Dan placed his hand on the door to the restroom, clearly marked by the sign that read 'lavatory'. He turned the handle and opened the door.
Dan then noticed something very odd about the restroom. Specifically, there wasn't one on this flight. Or if there was, he didn't see it. He clearly remembered the sign on the door indicating it was a restroom but now that door was flying off into the distance, jettisoned off the plane. But now, he stared off into the open sky before him, unsure of what to do next. The realization then hit him: the airlines had labeled the doors incorrectly and he had opened the emergency exit by mistake.
All of this happened in the fractions of seconds and the shock didn't really hit Dan until he had already been sucked out of the cabin.
"Those idiots!" Dan said, falling. "I can't believe they mixed up the bathroom with the emergency exit! Someone should do something about that before somebody gets..." his eyes went wide as he trailed off. Falling on his back, he saw the plane fly away in the distance. In midair, he turned himself around so he faced the surface as he plummeted towards it. Underneath him expanding in all directions was the Pacific, nothing but blue as far as the eye could see. And that is when the shock hit him.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Dan screamed as he fell.
Back on the plane, the cabin had already been re-pressurized. "Sorry for that unexpected turbulence, folks," the captain said over the intercom. "We're about ready to begin our final approach into San Garry's Mod International. We thank you for flying Trans-tolerable Airlines."
Dan continued to scream until his lungs got tired. The surface of the sea came closer and closer to him, threatening to rush up to him as he descended rapidly. He spread his arms and legs out, slowing his descent, not that he knew that would help; he was terrified. Heart racing, his mind began to drift back into his memories. All the good times and bad he'd shared with Chris and Elise, all the joys and sorrows, his precious pet cat Mr. Mumbles, his car. Dan regretted that he would never get to see them again. But more than anything else, he regretted that he would never get revenge on the various people that had wronged him.
Dan realized immediately that he would not survive the fall. Carefully, he grabbed his cell phone from his back pocket.
"Dear Chris and Elise," Dan typed into a text message as his eyes began to water. As his last act, he planned on sending Chris a text detailing all the people, places and things that had caused him injustice in the past along with a list explaining what he wanted to happen to each of them. When he was done, he hit send.
The phone bleeped an error message. "Two bars?! Cheap piece of junk! When I get my hands on the manufacturer, I'll wring his neck!" Just then, Dan realized the validity of the statement he'd just made. Once again, a pang of regret hit him as he fell; he wouldn't be able to exact revenge upon the cell phone company. He opened the unfinished text on his phone and added the phone's manufacturer to the list.
Dan watched the surface of the ocean continue growing closer as he plummeted. Slowly, he saw a white, puffy cloud edge closer into view below him. The cloud soon blocked his view of the ocean and he realized he was going to fall right through it. He raised his hands to cover his face as he passed through the white vapor.
For a brief moment, Dan was blinded. He couldn't see out of the whiteness of the cloud and it enveloped him entirely. He could still feel that he was falling though and the wind whipped around him. Quickly, it ended and he was able to see again.
Looking down, Dan noticed a change in the surface of the ocean. Specifically, the ocean was gone. Stretching out before him now was land; a rolling see of green, dark greens and browns. The entire landscape of the world had changed. What had happened? Moments ago, he had been staring at an expanse of sea and now it looked like he was over the mainland. Examining the entire world around him, he could make out forests, mountains in the distance, even roads.
Below him and coming into distance, he could make out more clouds, only denser than the ones before. He could see figures darting about them, like giant birds. All of these strange, new phenomenons didn't make sense to Dan but they also didn't change the fact he was falling without a chute. He screamed again.
"What is this?! What happened?! Where am I?!!" Dan yelled. He held his cell phone and tried to use the camera on it, not knowing what else to do.
"Hey buddy," a voice said to him. "I think you might need some help."
Dan looked up. Staring back at him as he fell was... well, he didn't know what it was. If he had to guess, it looked like some kind of sky-blue horse with wings... like a pony. A Pegasus pony.
"You okay? Where's your wings? Do you know magic?"
"Wings... magic?!" Dan shouted back. "I don't know any magic! And why would I have wings?!"
The creature looked puzzled. "Well, why would you be flying without wings or magic?"
"I'm NOT flying; I'm falling!"
"Ohhh," the blue creature said, understanding. She stopped flying along side him and he shot past her, continuing his rapid descent to the surface.
"AAAAAAHHH!!" Dan screamed again, not knowing what else to do. He tumbled as he full until he was able to straighten himself out. The surface began getting closer and closer. A dark green forest came into view as he plummeted. It looked to be where he would be landing.
Dan's heart began to race. Nervous fear rose in his throat. All though he was freezing cold, it felt like he was sweating. His eyes watered. He wondered, would it hurt or would the impact shock his nervous system so much he wouldn't feel the pain? He could see the treetops now. They were coming closer and closer; he could practically feel the surface racing towards him. This was it, he closed his eyes.
A crack of something, the sound of an explosion in the distance came from behind him. Wind rushed by him and something snatched him out of the air. His descent ended abruptly and now he was flying across the landscape instead of towards it at a blinding speed.
Dan opened his eyes. The blue creature was holding him, carrying him in its... hooves?
"What... what happened?" Dan asked.
"I just saved your life!" the creature answered. "You should never try flying without wings or magic."
Dan just stared back at the thing that had saved him. "Who... what are you?"
"I'm Rainbow Dash! Fastest flier there is!"
"So, wait," Spike interrupted, raising his claw. "First, what's a 'Biodome', what's an airline and what's a California?"
Dan thought for a split second. "Three things I'm happy I haven't seen in a while," he answered flatly.
Spike slowly lowered his claw.
"So that's how you got here?" Twilight asked. "I had no idea, Dan."
Dan's face turned furious. "Because you never asked me! You never ask me anything!"
"Now, that's not true, Dan," Twilight disagreed. "I asked you about Earth plenty of times. It's just, whenever I asked..."
Flashing back, Dan and the others recalled the instances when Twilight had been curious about Dan and where he comes from. Usually, his responses involved multiple reasons why he was glad to be gone, detailed descriptions of the various organizations and individuals out to take advantage of others or just long lists of people Dan didn't like.
He was quiet for a moment. "You... may have a point. Anyway, where was I?..."
"AAAAAAAhhh!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Dan screamed across the sky as he screamed across the sky. Holding him up by his shoulders, the blue flying creature carried him over the forest. Dan's shoes practically touched the treetops; they were only a scarce few meters off of the ground.
"Hey, calm down buddy!"
"Calm down?!" Dan asked, as if the notion not panicking was insane. "I just fell out of a plane! How do you expect me to calm down?!!"
"Well, you could try taking a deep breath. Count to ten, relax. I did just save your life, ya know."
The realization hit Dan. He wasn't falling to his doom any more; he was alive. He looked back up at his rescuer. "You... just saved my life? What are you even?! Where am I?"
"You're welcome, by the way," the creature replied, keeping its view facing forward. They pulled up to avoid the top of a larger tree.
"Well, how do I know you didn't just save me so you can eat me? How do I know you're not taking me back to your nest right now so you can feed your young?!"
"What?!" The creature looked down at him, appalled. "Did you hit your head on something? Ponies don't eat meat! Have you been hanging around dragons or hydras or something?"
It took a moment for Dan to process that comment. "Dragons... hydras... ponies?! Where the heck am I?! I was over the Pacific ocean when I was falling..."
"Well, I haven't been everywhere in Equestria but I'm pretty sure there aren't any oceans around here."
"Equestria...?"
Suddenly, Dan felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He started struggling to grasp it but it fell from his pocket as he tried to reach down for it.
"My phone!" he shouted.
"Your what?"
"Put me down! Put me down now!" Dan felt what was probably his only contact with Chris and Elise tumble out of his pocket and down into the forest beneath them as they flew. The creature stopped flying and hovered as Dan's struggling increased.
"Hey! Take it easy! You don't want me to drop you into the Everfree Forest; it's dangerous in there!"
Dan didn't cease his struggling. "Let me go! I have to get my-" The blue pony couldn't keep her grip as Dan squirmed. She dropped him and he fell into the forest below, disappearing into the sea of green.
"Ahhhgh! Agh, oh, agh *snap*, agh! *wump*" He fell through branches, scraped leaves and finally hit the forest floor, landing facedown. Bruised, scratched and vision blurry, Dan looked up around him in a daze. The canopy he'd crashed through made the floor almost pitch dark. Faintly, he heard what sounded like the voice of the creature calling for him in his ear before the darkness pressed in on the corners of his vision. The pain of the fall overcame him and he collapsed on his side, eyes finally closing shut as he fell unconscious.
Time passed. An hour, maybe two. In his mind, Dan saw visions, dreams of his friends back home. He dreamed of one thing in particular, the only other living thing that showed him absolute affection and that he loved more than anything else. His cat, Mr. Mumbles. He wondered about her, where she was, what she was doing without him. He thought of playing with her in his unconscious mind and even recalled the day the two met when he was trying to exact revenge on that animal shelter. He could practically feel his kitty licking his face.
No, that was actually something licking his face. Slowly, he was roused back into consciousness by the feeling of a tongue on his cheek. Dan opened his eyes to see... pink. And nothing else.
"Wha... what? What is this?" He got up on his hands and knees. Staring back at him appeared to be a giant ball of pink fluff with a head. He got to his feet.
"I... I don't have any food," he said to it. "I just fell out of the sky and I'm covered in dirt. I have nothing on me!" The pink ball of fluff said nothing but stared back at him. He backed away from it slowly. Then, it gasped and smiled at him.
"Please... just leave me alone!" The ball of fluff crept closer to him on four legs sticking out from under the fluff. It practically tip-toed over to him on its pink hooves, an open-mouthed smile stuck on its face.
"Someone help! Police! It's a... pink!" he shouted into the forest. Nothing answered him. The ball crept closer and then finally pounced on him, tackling him to the ground.
"Get off of me! Help! Someone, help!" The creature licked his face furiously. "Stop! No, stop, heh, stop it! That tickles!" The pink ball of fluff didn't relent. Finally, Dan had had enough. Grunting, he wriggled his way out from under it.
Panting, he stood again. "What... the... fluff..." The strange animal didn't jump on him; it just stared at him with an open-mouthed smile.
Dan still braced himself for another attack. "What... what do you want?"
Something materialized out of the side of the creature's furry body as it looked at him; a small, rectangular device that Dan recognized immediately.
"My phone!" Dan shouts, taking a step forward. He quickly hesitates though and recoils a step, fearing the animal. The creature must've recognized Dan's reaction; it noticed the object lodged in the upper parts of its fluff. Reaching up with one of its pink hooves, it pulls out the phone. Dan watches as the creature examines the phone, sniffing it and then staring into its reflective screen.
Dan had no idea what kind of animal it was playing with his phone. If he had to guess, it was some kind of small, pink bear. He practically shook with fear; how he got away when it was on top of him, he had no idea. He hoped he could get his phone back but he didn't want to risk getting closer to it to try.
The pink ball then noticed Dan looking at the phone it was holding. It quickly glanced back at the device it was investigating and then back at Dan. Its open-mouthed smile returned and then it began walking over to him.
"No! No, stay back! You can keep it! Just stay away!" Dan pleaded. He continued backing away as the fluffy animal advanced upon him. The side of a tree blocked his path backwards; he pressed himself up against it. This was it. He had no place to go, nowhere to run. It got closer and closer now. Dan closed his eyes, turned away and shook as the thing walked right up to him.
"I'm warning you! I was trained by the Green Berets! They trained me to weave baskets underwater and make lanyards out of grass and leaves but I spent the forty dollars!"
But instead of jumping on him, skinning him alive or the dozen other horrible things going through Dan's mind at that moment, the pink ball of fluff only tapped him on the back with its furry foreleg. Dan turned around to see the creature smiling up at him, holding his cell phone for him. He looked down at his phone in the creature's hoof. Was it presenting it to him?
"Are you... giving this back to me?" Dan asked, wary and confused. The strange hairy thing must've understood him because it nodded emphatically at his words. He reached out and took his phone. Dan realized that the creature just wanted to give it back to him. "Thank... thank you," he said, smiling at the pink puff ball. The creature smiled again and gave him a small hug, nuzzling its furry body into his side.
For whatever reason, Dan thought of Mr. Mumbles in that instant. He imagined his precious kitty snuggling up to him and comforting him in his hours of need. Somehow, this giant mass of fur reminded him of his cat, one of his only friends in the world.
"You're pretty friendly, aren't you?" Dan said to the creature in a soft voice. He gave it a pat on the head and it smiled in response. "What's your name?" he asked.
"Her name is Fluffle Puff," a voice answered him. Dan looked around, searching for the speaker but he saw nothing. The shadows of the canopy above made the spaces between trees almost pitch-black.
"Who said that? Who's there?" Dan demanded.
Stepping out of the shade was a creature almost as dark as the shadows themselves. Unlike the pink creature in front of him, this one was taller and appeared less hairy, perhaps even hairless. It appeared to be some sort of slender horse but with a slightly menacing visage. It looked back at him with dark, unblinking eyes as it approached. The pink ball of fluff walked over to it.
"Who are you?" Dan asked.
"I am Queen Chrysalis... or, just Chrysalis." The pink creature hugged it and the two embraced for a moment. "Fluffle Puff seems to have taken a liking to you. What is your name?"
"I'm Dan... and I must be dreaming. Yep. This is all just a dream," Dan looked around. Two strange, talking creatures in front of him, that seemed to be the most logical explanation. But then, another entered his mind. "Or maybe I really did hit the ground and I'm dead," he said in a frightened tone. "That must mean... this is..."
"This is the Everfree Forest," Chrysalis answered. "It's one of the most dangerous places in Equestria and it's not safe to travel here alone. You should come back with us to Ponyville."
Equestria... Ponyville... And hadn't the flying one said something about ponies? Dan looked back at the creatures who stared at him. He must've somehow landed in another world, one apparently inhabited by talking ponies. He hesitated at their offer though, still weighing his options. Could he really trust these strange beings?
"Come with us. We can take you to where it's safe," Chrysalis encouraged.
Dan looked back at his phone; it still only had two bars and no network connection. "I... all right," he said. The pink one gasped again and ran over to his side. He almost backed away again as it ran up to him but the magenta fur ball just grabbed his hand with one of its hooves and starting tugging him along. A stranger in a strange land, Dan allowed himself to be led by the two creatures through the forest.
Before long, the three of them reached the edge of the forest. The underbrush was thick and several times, Dan saw Chrysalis use some sort of strange energy to cut through low-hanging branches and leaves. They made quick progress and finally they stepped out of the shade of the enormous trees and into the sunlight. That was when Dan caught first glimpse of a town.
"This is Ponyville," Chrysalis said. Dan saw colorful buildings in the distance and even a train. None of the buildings were higher than a couple stories at most. There were no skyscrapers, traffic lights, vehicles or even streets. He saw more of the ponies, also brightly colored, traveling about the dirt roads into town. He noticed some of the ponies flying like the one that caught him and even ones with horns on their heads. But it was what he didn't notice that bothered him.
They approached the entrance to the town. He decided to ask, "They're all ponies. Where are the people?"
Chrysalis turned to him, "People?" she asked, not understanding.
"People, humans. Like me?" Dan clarified. He felt like he was talking to an alien or an infant.
"I don't know what a 'human' is but I'm fairly certain I've never seen anything like you before. Not around here, anyway."
A strange mixture of sadness and regret struck Dan. The thought of being the only human somewhat frightened him. He stopped in the middle of the street, starting to breath a little bit heavier. Suddenly, he felt like he was surrounded by aliens, completely alone on another planet. His eyes darted between the various creatures around them, from the ones that trotted through the streets, the ones that pulled wagons and the ones that flew through the sky. He watched one Pegasus fly down to a unicorn pony watering the flowers out of the second-floor window of a house. They were everywhere; he was surrounded.
Dan's gaze dropped to the ground. Should he try to find his way home? How did he even get here? What was he going to do in a world dominated by ponies? Chrysalis noticed his despair.
"Dan? Are you all right?"
"All right?" Dan asked, despair quickly turning to frustration. "All right?! Am I 'all right'?!" What kind of question was that, even? How could he possibly be 'all right'? All of his friends were gone; no more Chris and Elise, no more Mr. Mumbles, no more Elise's parents, no more people... no more people... no more... wait. Something clicked with Dan just then. No more people. No more people. No more traffic jams, no solicitors, no DMV, no cops, no politicians, no lawyers, no more people cutting him off on the freeway, no more people! This was a dream come true!
"I'm... I'm..." A smile crept over Dan's face as he spoke. No more taxes, no more false advertisements, no more people to screw him over and get away with it! "I'm fantastic! I'm the only human here! I'm the only human here!!"
Chrysalis was getting kind of confused. "Well... I guess that's..." she trailed off, not knowing what to say.
"Some old guy told me things would be great without human beings and I used to think he was crazy but now I see what he means! The grass is greener, the sun is brighter and the skies are crystal clear! And I have hunch it's all because I'm the only human here!
"Is... is he singing?"
Dan popped up in between Chrysalis and Fluffle Puff. "Let me explain-"
"The world I come from is crazy; it's hard just to have a life. And where people could help each other, most just keep adding to the strife. All the suffering could be solved if humanity started uniting But they'll never learn to put aside their differences or at least stop the fighting! But with humans gone, all the problems of the world have just disappeared! So you could say I'm overjoyed to be the only human here!
As Dan was retelling this story in the living room of Twilight's house, he approached Twilight and the others to look them right in the face.
Let's talk about humanity And the way that we've evolved Look at all the things we've done And the problems we have solved For every step forward that we've taken, Soon we find out that we're mistaken And all the rules that we keep makin' We can't seem to go long without breakin' Nor can we even find a solution To crime, disease, war or pollution But now I hear the resolution and it's ringing in my ear! So, yes I'm glad to find that I'm the only human here!
"You're... happy that you're the only one of your kind?" Chrysalis asked.
"You bet I am!" Dan said, swinging from an all-too conveniently placed streetlamp.
Now Chrysalis was even more confused. "You're not sad or anything?"
"Of course not! And here's why-"
"You might think that without other humans that I'd be feeling lonely but in truth it's quite the opposite, let me tell ya, my little pony. No more parking tickets, telemarketers or commercials on t.v! No more bureaucrats or censors complaining that I'm not PC! They're all gone and their nonsense isn't around me, far or near! So I couldn't be more glad... No I just couldn't be more glad... This place might be strange but it ain't bad cuz I'm the only Single HUUUU- MAAAAAAAAN HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!!!! *jazzy finale*
Dan panted as he stood in the middle of the street. Intricate dance numbers can take a lot out of you. A sound he recognized but didn't expect to here drew his attention behind him. He turned around slowly and felt his heart hit the back of his throat.
A strange figure was clapping in the middle of the road next to Fluffle Puff. "Bravo! Bravo, good sir!" Dan recognized the individual immediately. The dark hair, pale skin, blue jeans and black t-shirt emblazoned with the word 'jerk' on the front in all capital letters all looked uncomfortably familiar. Standing in the middle of the road applauding Dan was... Dan. The only thing different was the word 'jerk' was spelled backwards.
"What... the... fu-"
"Funny, I don't find myself imitating bipeds that often, especially not dragons. It's confusing how you walk on two legs all the time," the other Dan remarked.
Dan stormed over to the imposter. "What's going on? Who are you?!"
"Well, I'll tell you one thing I'm not is a singer," other Dan answered with a chuckle.
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Relax, relax! It's just me!" the other Dan said defensively. The imposter's eyes glowed green and then suddenly he transformed back into Chrysalis. "Ahahaha, I had you going for a minute didn't I?"
Dan took a step back. "What was that? How did you-"
"I'm a changling," Chrysalis said. "Using my magic, I can transform into any creature I want. It's a complex spell and only changlings can use it."
"Magic? You can do magic?"
"Of course," she replied and raised an eyebrow. "You're not from around here, are you?"
"No... I'm not. I'm from Earth. And I'm not even sure how far away that is."
"I see. When I saw you fall out of the sky, I was pretty sure you weren't from the Everfree Forest. Then again, we don't see very many dragons around here anyway."
"Wait," Dan stopped her. "I'm not a dragon; I'm a human. Didn't you listen to the song?"
Chrysalis' eyes dropped looked away. "I kinda tried not to..."
"I am a HUMAN," Dan spelled it out for her. "I'm from Earth where ponies DON'T talk, DON'T use magic and CAN'T fly."
Fluffle Puff 'pbbthed' a response to that.
"Do you know how you got here?" Chrysalis asked.
"No idea at all. I suppose I'm happy to be alive but... I have no idea what this place is."
"We should take you to see Twilight. She'll know what to do."
"Okay... but if you're going to change into me again, at least get the shirt right."
Chrysalis turned to him. "What? What was wrong with it?"
"You got the logo backwards. It's JERK not KREJ."
"Oh... drat. I always have trouble with transforming into bipeds."
With that, Dan allowed the pink puff ball and slender morphing creature to lead him through the town of colorful buildings. Every house looked like it was made out of gingerbread or candy. The pastel-colored walls created a rainbow of structures on either side of the street. Each house was unique in its own way and Dan got the odd feeling like he was walking through an amusement park or a studio backlot.
"I haven't been here long myself," Chrysalis said as they walked. "Not long ago, I was somewhat of an outcast. I've had my problems with some of the residents in the past and I did a few things I'm not really proud of. But then I found Fluffle Puff and soon after that, the two of us were found by Twilight Sparkle and her friends. While we did have some history before, she invited us to live with her. And we've been here in Ponyville ever since."
"And you think this Twilight will be able to help me?" Dan asked.
"She's very gifted with magic. If anypony can help you out, Twilight can."
"So, we're essentially off to see some wizard?"
"Unicorn," Chrysalis corrected.
"Whatever," Dan replied.
Eventually, the reached a large circle just off the center of town where the rows of buildings parted and formed a ring. In the center was a single, enormous tree. As they got closer to it, Dan realized the tree had been built on and into, like a house had been made out of it where it stood.
Chrysalis approached and opened the door without knocking. "Hello? We're home, is anyone else here?"
The three stepped inside. Dan could immediately tell whoever lived here liked books; there were shelves of tomes lining most of the walls. A small purple creature on two legs walked over to them.
"Hey guys, oh, is someone with you?"
"Yes, this is a new visitor to Ponyville. His name is Dan."
"Oh, well, hello Dan," the purple creature greeted him in a male voice. "It's nice to meet another dragon."
Dan stared down at the lizard-like animal. "I'm a human. From Earth," he corrected.
"What kind of a dragon is a human?" Spike asked with a claw to his chin.
"I'm NOT a dragon," Dan said, getting annoyed. "I'm a human being. I don't do magic, I don't fly and I don't know why I'm here."
"Wow... well, Twilight can probably help you. But she's out right now; Rainbow Dash came by and they went to the Everfree Forest looking for some kind of creature that fell out of the sky."
Dan practically facepalmed. "I AM that creature. What they're looking for is me."
"OH," Spike said, understanding. "So, how were you flying without wings or magic?"
"Simple: I wasn't."
"What?"
Dan walked further into the living room to orate. "You know what happens between the time you jump off some place high and land at the bottom?"
"Falling?"
"Exactly." Why was that so hard for these creatures to understand?
Just then, the door opened and Twilight entered.
"Hi everyone, we're back," the purple unicorn said as she entered. Rainbow Dash flew in alongside her and Fluffle Puff gasped and ran over to hug them both as they stepped inside.
"We're back, too," Chrysalis said. "And we brought company."
"Hey! It's you! You're the one that was trying to fly!" Rainbow Dash said, pointing at Dan.
"I wasn't TRYING to fly; I was..." Dan stopped. He looked around at the unfamiliar faces surrounding him, the strangers he'd tried telling his predicament to. "You know what? I'll tell you later." He'd tried explaining this so many times in the last hour or so, he was tired of it. Now that he was inside a house, he could feel a huge amount of jetlag setting in.
"So, you're Twilight Sparkle?" Dan asked.
"Yes. I'm a student of Princes-"
"Great," Dan interrupted. "Would you mind if I stayed here a couple days?"
Twilight was unsure. "I, well, I guess so-"
"Thanks," Dan replied. A glazed smile spread over the young man's face and slowly, Dan's body began to lean forward. In one motion, he slammed fast-first onto the floor of Twilight's living room. The others moved in closer to him to see if he was all right. A steady stream of 'z's informed them that their guest was already fast asleep.
"Wow," Spike said. "What a weird... guy."
"He fell out of the sky, he's not from around here and he's from a place where ponies don't talk," Chrysalis explained.
"You're sure he's not a dragon?" Twilight asked.
"No, I don't think so. Dragons don't sing like that."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Spike quirked an eyebrow.
"We'll let him sleep for now," Twilight said, looking at the strange creature sleeping in front of her. "I'm sure he'll tell us eventually."
Dan concluded his story by pacing over to the spot where he'd collapsed in Twilight's living room. "...and that's pretty much it." He looked over to his audience who were all speechless. Because they had apparently all dozed off during the story. Fluffle Puff was asleep with her mouth open while Spike and Chrysalis were snuggled up on the fluffy pony's pink body asleep as well. Twilight poked the three with a hoof, rousing them.
"Uh... great story, Dan," Spike yawned.
"So, this is what you meant when you said you'd tell me later?" Twilight asked.
"Um... yes," Dan replied, trying not to sound guilty. "I must've forgot because YOU didn't remind me. It's like I don't even exist to you sometimes!"
"Okay, Dan," Twilight said, smiling, "If you want to be more involved with me and my friends, I'd be happy to have you join us the next time we're doing something." Sometimes it was better for Twilight to just let the little things go. Especially when Dan certainly didn't.
"Thank you," Dan said, stressfully. "That's all I really wanted."
Twilight walked over to him. "It's no problem, Dan. That's what the magic of friendship is all about," she said, reaching up to put a hoof on his shoulder. Dan looked back at Twilight Sparkle, now an alicorn and a princess and thought of how lucky he was to have her hospitality. How lucky he was to have found a friend. For a moment, the room was silent and Dan smiled.
The door to Twilight's house burst open. "Hey everypony!" Pinkie Pie shouted inside. "We just got back to Ponyville today!"
Twilight giggled. "Yes, Pinkie, we know."
"That's not the point, Twilight! We just got back in town and we still haven't had a party!"
"Don't you think it's a little late for a party, Pinkie?" Twilight asked.
Pinkie shook her head. "How else do you expect to have a 'we just got back to Ponyville today' party? You have to do it while the 'just' is still fresh!"
"She has a point," Spike thought aloud.
"I'm up for some fun," Chrysalis added.
Twilight giggled again. "All right, Pinkie, I guess we're in."
Dan rose his hand out to the others. "Hey, are you going to-" he was about to ask if they were going to invite him.
"Come on, everypony! Let's go party!!" Pinkie Pie shouted, leaving the door open as she bolted into the night. Twilight, Chrysalis, Fluffle Puff and Spike ran out to follow her leaving Dan behind in midsentence.
He stood in the center of the living room with his mouth hanging open. Silence answered his half-question and slowly, the wind blew the door closed leaving him alone.
Dan's eye twitched. They'd left him behind. AGAIN. They'd forgotten about him. AGAIN. They'd gone off to have a party in the middle of the night without him. AGAIN. Anger boiled inside of him. His entire body shook with rage.
Teeth gritted, fists balled up and face burning red, Dan threw his arms up to the ceiling and shouted, "MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP!!!!"
Just then, the door to the house opened again. Twilight's head poked in from the outside. "Hey Dan, would you like to come party with us?" she asked.
Dan lowered his arms and calmly looked back to Twilight. "Nah, I'm gonna go play Skyrim," he turned around and headed to the stairs. Twilight shook her head and closed the door, leaving her friend to join them when he wanted to.
Fim-fin
And coming soon on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship... More Dan Vs. Drama "But Dan, this is really important!" "I don't care! I'm not anyone's special somepony!" Dan Vs. Danger "You put the engine in backwards!" "I just don't know what went-" "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Dan Vs. Discord? "Just act natural." "Grrrrrrrrrrrrr..." "Why are you growling at me?" "Because it's natural for me to despise you!" Dan Vs. Customer Service "Hi, welcome to Chili's. Your problems are relevant to me for the next fifteen seconds." And Dan Vs. Destiny..." "You have a destiny in Equestria." All this and more in the first season of Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship! It's more Dan than you can han...dle. Only available on FIMFiction.net.
Intro: Rise Up- Theme of Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship
One day, You wake up to find~ Nothing That you know is right! Feels like You've gone completely blind But somehow, you can still see the light~
You can show any rule You're not scared to defy it Show the world some healthy opposition If there's something new, you're not afraid to try it And you're free to make your own decisions This is your life- no matter what others say~ Rise up! You can face the day!
So you're stuck There's not much you can do It's like Everything's out to get you But still You can still find a way to forge a path and make your dreams come true!
You can show the whole world You're not scared to believe it! Stand tall and defend your position! No matter how cold the truth is, you're not afraid to receive it! And keep moving forward with your own mission! This is your life- you've gotta live it your own way Rise up! You can face the day!
It's tough to see what the truth really is When all you've got is mixed messages Seems like the problems that come around Are setup just to keep you down Nothing seems right! And it's like your entire life's just plight after plight! But no matter what the problem is or how long the struggle's length, You can still find the courage to stand, to find your inner strength~
You can show any rule You're not scared to defy it! Show the world some healthy opposition! If there's something new, you're not afraid to try it! Because you're free to make your own decisions! This is our world! The game is on and we're gonna play! We'll rise up! We can face the day!
Dan and the others woke up early the next morning. They sat down at the kitchen table to eat a modest, quiet breakfast at home consisting of bowls of shredded oats. Fluffle Puff engulfed her entire bowl in her mouth and then spat it out, minus the contents of cereal and milk. It was just like any other morning at Twilight's house despite what had transpired the night before.
Twilight ate slowly from her own bowl, half-waiting for Dan to say something. He'd told her that he wanted to be more involved with Twilight and her friends but she didn't know how he planned to accomplish that. Was he planning on following them around all day? She watched him out of the corner of her eye as she ate. But the young man didn't say anything; he just sat there occasionally lifting his spoon to eat as he read from a folded newspaper in the other hand.
Spike broke the silence. "So, we got anything planned for today, Twilight?"
Casually, all the eyes around the table drifted towards Twilight. She swallowed uncomfortably, quickly trying to form a response.
"Um, I don't think we have anything really planned for today, Spike," Twilight said with forced smile.
"Huh, that's strange. Normally, we always have something to do," Spike remarked as he ate from a bowl full of gems. Dan raised an eyebrow at the alicorn.
Twilight maintained her composure, trying not to sound nervous despite that she was almost sweating. "I might update some of my scrolls later but I don't think we have any pressing matters to attend to right now." She answered Spike even though her eyes were still mostly on Dan. But as she answered, he simply went back to reading the newspaper and soon the table was silent again.
And then there was a knock on the door.
"Fluffle Puff, dear, you think you could get that?" Chrysalis asked. The amorphous ball of hair gasped and then lowered her body to the floor. The table shook as she crawled underneath it and Dan and the others had to steady their silverware.
"Hey, Fluffle Puff," Rainbow Dash's voice said from the door. A gasp responded to her followed by a pause. "Hey Twilight! I'm gonna take everypony for a cloud ride today, you want to come?"
"Sure, Rainbow, that sounds awesome!" Twilight said with enthusiasm. She almost walked out the door to join Rainbow Dash right then and there but a cold tingling at the back of her spine stopped her in her tracks. She turned around to see Dan sitting at the kitchen table, looking at her with an inquisitive look on his face.
She turned back to Rainbow Dash. "Rainbow, do you think Dan could come with us?"
Rainbow looked over Twilight to the man sitting in the kitchen. "I guess so. Doesn't he normally just hang out at your house though?"
"Yeah... he was feeling left out lately, so I thought of inviting him to do some things with us."
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "How many things?"
"I... have no idea," Twilight admitted.
"Well, I guess he can come along. Just as long as he doesn't try to fly again or anything."
"Great!" Twilight said, forcing some eagerness. She turned back to Dan. "Um, Dan?" she asked innocently.
"Yes, Twilight?" Dan asked back, smiling and batting his eyelashes innocently.
"Would you like to come with us for a cloud ride?"
"I'd love to!" Dan shouted, jumping up from the table. "Thank you for inviting me, Twilight!" He ran over and hugged the purple mare. "Let's get going!"
"Wait," Twilight stopped as Dan stepped outside. She turned to the others in the kitchen. "What about Spike, Chrysalis and Fluffle Puff? You guys want to come with us?"
"Nah," said Spike. "We have to give Fluffle Puff a bath today." The pink ball 'pbbthed' and shook in response. Her head recoiled into the rest of her fluff, forming an impenetrable sphere of cuddly pink pony, the most secure defense known in Equestria. She was going to be difficult. "You and Dan have fun! Tell Rarity I said hi!"
"We will!" Twilight called through gritted teeth. Twilight wasn't looking for a reason not to take Dan but she was looking for something to make the situation a little less... awkward. And she was failing. But it's always awkward when you mix things up a bit so she wasn't worried. Not that much, anyway. She followed the others out of the quiet and safety of her home. The group began walking down the familiar Ponyville street.
Dan breathed in sharply. "Finally! I'm actually getting to do something with you guys!"
"Yeah... it'll be fun," Rainbow remarked, a distinct lack of confidence in her tone. She leaned over to Twilight as they walked. "So, why are we bringing Dan along with us?"
"He's feeling left out, wants me to take him with us when we go... 'adventuring'," Twilight whispered. Dan was so ecstatic he was actually leading the way ahead of them, unable to hear them talk about him.
"Does he know magic or anything?" Rainbow asked, watching the young man happily marching ahead of them.
"No..." Twilight admitted.
"Well, what can he do?"
Twilight thought for a moment. "He's... loud."
"Loud?" Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Don't we already have Pinkie for that?"
"Well, we'll see what he can do," Twilight said confidently. It was true that they didn't know much about Dan. Maybe they could be surprised?
"Okay..." Rainbow Dash still sounded uncertain.
"Think of like this: you'll have someone new to show off all your tricks to."
The rainbow Pegasus smiled. "Hey yeah, you're right! I bet there no one can fly as fast as me where he's from!"
Twilight smiled. "I think flying fast is something he'd be very impressed with."
The three turned a corner to the Ponyville square to see a huge crowd in the town center. From the back of the crowd, Pinkie Pie turned around to see the group approaching.
"Guys! Over here!" Pinkie waved them over. Fluttershy, Rarity and Applejack were standing next to her in the crowd. They turned around to face others as they walked over to them.
"What are you guys doing here?" Rainbow asked, confused. "I thought you were getting ready to go cloud riding."
"We were!" Pinkie said. "But then this huge crowd appeared out of nowhere and we kinda got swept up in things."
"What is this even for?" Dan asked, looking over the ponies.
"It's Trixie's new magic show," Applejack informed them. "She's giving it another shot in Ponyville, it seems."
"Didn't she already try this?" Rainbow Dash asked, skeptical.
Twilight turned to her. "She's still a magician, Rainbow Dash and she's not like she used to be. She's changed."
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Uh huh..." she replied to Twilight. Dan was one thing but Trixie? She was even more skeptical.
"It's the truth, Rainbow," Twilight affirmed. "After what happened with the Alicorn Amulet, Trixie's really turned things around. You should've seen her at the demonstration for the Saddle Arabians. Trixie's our friend now and she's really reformed." Twilight turned back to the stage with a smile on her face. She truly believed every word she had just said.
"Salutations once again, Ponyvillians!! Presented for you once more is the GRRRRREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE!!" The curtains pulled back on the stage in front of the audience. Fireworks erupted from the base and spinning sparklers twirled atop the wooden set. In a flash of light, a lite blue unicorn in matching purple pointed hat and cape appeared on stage to an awed audience.
"Yeah. She looks really reformed all right," Rainbow Dash commented on the display.
Dan's face was lit up. "What are you talking about? Did you guys see that?! That was amazing!"
Every single one of Twilight's friends slowly turned their heads to Twilight. The purple unicorn blushed horribly and smiled sheepishly.
"So, who's up for a cloud ride?" Rainbow Dash asked, pulling away from the crowd. Her friends started following her.
"You guys are leaving? You don't want to see the show?" Dan asked. Why were they walking away? The show looked like it was going to be spectacular!
"Uh...nah, we've seen it before, Dan," Rainbow Dash explained.
"Yeah, I think we'll skip this one, Dan..." Twilight said. She noticed her friend's slight disappointment. "But you can stay and watch it if you want to."
Dan looked back to the stage and then turned back to his friends. "No... that wouldn't be right. You invited me to go cloud..."
"Riding,"
"Yes, that and that's what we're going to do. Let's get going," Dan said and joined the group as they departed.
"You! Yes, you in the back!!" Trixie's voice shouted. Dan, Twilight and the others turned to see every pony in the crowd staring at them. "You! The two-legged one! The great and powerful Trixie requires your assistance!" the magician declared. The audience of ponies in front of them looked at the young man with eager anticipation. They became loud as they waited for Dan to ascend to the stage.
Dan turned back to Twilight among the crowd's outcries. "What do I do?" Dan asked over the shouting.
Twilight didn't really have an answer. "I don't know. I remember the last time she asked someone to go up on stage-"
"Go up on stage?" Dan asked, only hearing part of Twilight's answer. "You're sure?!"
Twilight raised her voice. "I don't know if you should go up on stage-"
"All right, I'm going! Wish me luck!" Dan shouted back, the crowd coming together and practically carrying him forward.
"Dan, wait I said-" But it was too late. He was already halfway through the audience by the time Twilight tried to stop him.
"Trixie thanks the volunteer for his assistance!" Trixie proclaimed as Dan climbed up on stage. Twilight and her friends shoved their way through the crowd, quickly edging their way to the front row.
"Greetings, good sir! Introduce yourself for the great and powerful Trixie!"
"Uhh, I'm Dan," he replied awkwardly.
"Welcome, Dan! Now, let me ask you this..." the mare turned around and pulled a pedestal with a top hat on it out from behind a curtain. "Are you at all familiar with magic?"
"Well, yes. I mean, no," Dan stammered. "I mean, I've had problems with 'magicians' before but these were frauds. They didn't actually know how to perform real magic."
"Parlor tricks! Illusions and shenanigans, I assure you!" Trixie closed her eyes and scoffed. "Trixie's spells are only the most masterful examples of sorcery in all of Equestria!" she declared. A jet of green flame erupted from the hat ending her sentence. A light rumble echoed out as a portion of the audience applauded.
Dan's eyes actually narrowed as he got a closer look at the demonstration. "I dunno... I've seen a lot of magic." He took a look around the stage. "Something about your trick seems a little fake."
Trixie spun around and glared at him. "You might think it's fake but. This. Is. REAL MAGIC!
"We've seen it all before!" a random pony from the audience shouted.
"Real magic?" Dan asked, his tone now skeptical. "Well, my friend Twilight Sparkle just so happens to be able to-"
"Oh of course, of course," Trixie interrupted and dismissed Dan's comment. "But Trixie's spells are mysterious and not normally seen by those in Ponyville!"
"They're not normally seen because nopony bothers coming to your show!" a Pegasus hovering above the crowd shouted. Trixie gritted her teeth and growled at the heckler.
"So, what trick am I going to participate in?" Dan finally asked.
"Ah, yes," Trixie turned back to Dan. "Trixie was recently on a great and noble quest to the far reaches of the Crystal Empire! There, Trixie learned the art of vanishing spells! Using these rare magical techniques, Trixie can make a subject completely... disappear!"
That actually caught Twilight's attention. "Disappearing magic?"
"What's wrong, Twi?" Applejack asked from a few ponies over.
"I'm not sure. I've never heard of magic that can make things disappear before."
"I dunno," Rainbow remarked from overhead. "She's definitely making this crowd disappear..." Several ponies had already trotted off. After the cheesy pyrotechnics display, they were leaving in droves.
"You have nothing to fear!" Trixie said. She prepared to cast the spell, her horn glowed with magic and she reared back on her hind legs. "Trixie's skills are entirely unmatched! Now, watch Ponyville, as Dan disappears from your very eyes!"
Without warning, the blue unicorn blasted the young man standing before her. An electric ray arced from Trixie's horn and collided with Dan, enveloping him in a bright, blue aura. The aura exploded in a flash, momentarily blinding the entire audience.
"Behold! Trixie has-" she stopped midsentence. The remaining dozen or so ponies left in the audience along with Twilight and her friends weren't exactly surprised to see Dan still standing right where he'd been hit with the spell. No, in fact, Trixie's spell not working was something they'd all expected. What they were unprepared to see was the fact that her spell had at least partially succeeded. But only partially.
"Did it work? Am I invisible or something?" Dan asked. He quickly examined himself. Arms, legs, clothes, all seemed to be fine yet Trixie stood in front of him with her mouth agape. He turned to his friends in the crowd.
"What happened?"
Dan's friends were speechless, too, all except Pinkie Pie. The pink mare cringed, covered her mouth and then burst out in laughter.
"Dan..." Twilight started but stopped herself, holding a hoof over her mouth.
"What's going on? It didn't work, did it?"
"Oh, it worked all right," Rainbow Dash said, on the verge of tears herself. "If she was only trying to make your hair disappear!"
"My... hair?" Dan asked. He placed his hands on his scalp and felt only bare skin and the now-exposed top of his head. His eyes went wide as the realization hit him: his hair was gone. He was completely bald. An inhuman amount of rage slowly built within him. He turned to the magician responsible for this.
"You made my hair disappear?"
"Uhm, yes," Trixie said nervously, backing away. "And now for her next trick... Trixie will make herself disappear!" A plume of blue smoke burst at her hooves, obscuring Dan's vision momentarily. The smoke quickly cleared, however, revealing Trixie galloping down the street at full speed.
"Wait... where are you going?!" Dan shouted after her. He turned to Twilight and the others.
"Aren't you going to go after her?!"
"I'm sorry," Rainbow Dash said, laughing to herself. "I didn't see where she went; I was kind of distracted by the reflection off your dome!"
Dan turned around to see the blue unicorn had vanished from the street in front of him. He stood on the stage, bald, humiliated and with the guilty party fleeing the scene. A pulse of pure fury built in his stomach. Dan's fists became balls, his jaw clenched and his eyes shut as his entire body pulsed with rage. The anger built in him as his blood began to boil and a white-hot, concentrated ball of hate hit the back of his throat.
Dan threw his fists up and shouted to the heavens above,"TRIXIE!!!"
"Dan... calm down," Twilight said. Dan's voice was still ringing in her ears.
"CALM DOWN?!" Dan shouted. "My hair is gone!! That magician is gone! MY PATIENCE IS GONE!"
Rainbow Dash hovered closer, still trying to contain her laughter. "Hey, look at the bright side, Dan!" she said with a giggle.
"What bright side?!"
"No, I mean actually look at the bright side of your head! It's so shiny!"
Dan practically foamed at the mouth. "RRAAAGGGGHH!!!"
Running to the side of the stage, Dan ripped a portion of the blue curtains off. In a single rage-filled motion, he fashioned himself a turquoise turban for himself. The other ponies climbed up on the stage as Dan stood and fumed.
"Dan, please calm down," Twilight reiterated.
"How... did you do that?" Rarity asked, pointing to the turban Dan just made.
Dan looked up, noticing the hat on his head. "I... don't... know... we need to find that magician! When I get my hands on her, I'm gonna rip every strand of hair off her mane and make it into a wig!"
"Dan, it's all right," Twilight said. "She just used a bit of magic; it's nothing I can't fix."
"How do you know you can do that?!" Dan backed away. "You said before that you've never even heard of disappearing spells!"
Twilight stopped for a moment. "That's right, but I do know about curse-reversing. And a lot about magic in general," she modestly added.
"Yeah! Twilight's the best at magic! She's fixed the trouble Trixie's caused a couple times before! Wait," Pinkie Pie stopped herself. "Don't you live with Twilight, Dan? Don't you know all this?"
Whatever small amount of calm Dan managed evaporated again in an instant. Slowly, he turned to the pink mare who had poised the question to him.
"NO!!! I don't know all of this because THIS is the first time we've ever done anything together!!"
"Oh...," Pinkie realized. "Well, are you having fun?"
The muscles in Dan's face burned like hot coals. His eye twitched rapidly. "AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!"
"Well, you did want to see Trixie's magic show, Dan," Rainbow Dash reminded him. "But I bet you didn't think you'd... lose your hair over it!" The rainbow mare almost fell over chuckling. The others couldn't help but laugh either, except Twilight.
"Please, Dan," Twilight stepped forward. "Let me help you."
"Rrrrgghhh... fine," Dan said through gritted teeth. "But then, we're going after that magician." He removed his turban. His bald scalp glimmered in the sun.
Twilight rolled her eyes. Hopefully, with his hair back, Dan would forget about trying to get back at Trixie and they could move on with their day. Whatever Trixie's magic was, Twilight was sure a simple reset spell would clear it up. She charged her horn with the appropriate counter-magic and took aim for the young man's domed head.
A ray of magenta light shot from Twilight's horn and collided with Dan's scalp. For a moment, another blinding flash lit up the area. It cleared quickly and the ponies looked to Dan to see the result.
"What?!" Twilight yelled in disbelief.
"What happened?! What did you do?!" Dan asked quickly. He ran his fingers over his head again but felt the same lack of hair he'd felt earlier. Nothing but the smooth surface of his scalp greeted his fingertips. Twilight continued to stare at him in frustration while the others were silent.
"What's going on?" Dan was almost panicking. "What's the problem?!"
"Nothing happened, Dan... that's the problem." Twilight moved closer, scrutinizing Dan's head. Same as before; nothing had changed. She put a hoof to her chin. "Let me try again."
"Uh, wait, I-"
Krzzap! She blasted him again. Still though, the results were the same.
"Hmm..." Twilight said. She blasted him again without warning. And again, and again. "Why isn't it working?" her tone more curious than frustrated. "Maybe a different spell." She blasted him with another ray; this one spawned a puff of smoke with it that quickly dissipated. When the cloud of magical smoke was gone, it revealed only the same bald human frowning back at her.
"I don't understand," Twilight said. "None of the cleansing spells are working." Twilight didn't want to admit it but it seemed that whatever spell Trixie cast was beyond her at the moment. Despite being an alicorn princess, there were still things she was learning about magic. It was a reminder that knowledge could come from any source and also that she may have to go find that source as Dan had suggested. Or demanded.
"Of course it's not working!" Dan shouted, pulling the turban back down over his head. "Obviously, this is some kind of voodoo you're not used to!"
Twilight put a hoof to her chin. "It does look like it..."
"Maybe we could try something different?" Rarity asked. "I know of plenty of products that can help you conceal your... lack of hair, Dan."
"Oooh yeah! Like a wig or a mask! You could pick out a new one for every day!" Pinkie proclaimed excitedly as she bounced.
"Maybe Zecora has a potion for something like this..." Fluttershy timidly suggested.
"Or I could let ya borrow my hat," Applejack offered, removing her trademark Stetson.
Twilight put a hoof on her friend's shoulder. "I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful, Dan."
"Oh, I know exactly how you can help. How you can ALL help," Dan said with a twisted smile. "We're going to find that fraud show-pony and I'm going shove a dozen solutions for hair loss down her throat!!"
"How're we going to find her?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Search the whole town? Cuz, I'm down for that."
"No, I have a better idea," Dan said, walking to the side of the stage. He picked up Trixie's cap off the floor. "We won't have to search a single spot. She's going to come right back here to the scene of the crime soon enough."
"How do you figure that?" Twilight asked. Dan pointed to a sign to the side of the stage. It read:
The Great and Powerful Trixie Powerfully Presents: The Great and Powerful Trixie Terrific Traveling Show Show Times: 9a.m. ~ 10a.m, 2p.m. ~ 3p.m. and 6p.m. ~ 7p.m. Tips appreciated Tomorrow Bingo
"Ohhhh," Pinkie said, understanding. "Wow. She does three shows a day. That's gotta be rough." The others nodded in agreement.
Dan began pacing. "We'll wait right here for her... set a trap or something. And we she shows up, BAM! We shave her bald in front of the entire town!"
"You really think she's going to come back for the next show, Dan?" Twilight asked.
"She'll have to," Dan held up a glass jug full of bits. "She forgot her tip jar."
The six ponies and bald biped waited for the magician to return. Twilight didn't know how things would work out, how she was going to get Dan to calm down or how she would get his hair back. What was this spell Trixie had tried to perform and why didn't it work out? For that matter, why did it seem none of Twilight's magic wasn't working on Dan either? Hopefully, getting ahold of Trixie would provide an explanation provided that getting ahold of her didn't involve Dan strangling her.
They'd each taken different positions: Dan, Twilight and Applejack hid in some bushes a few feet away from the stage, Pinkie and Rarity were just on the side of either curtain, Rainbow Dash observed from a carefully-placed cloud above the stage and Fluttershy watched and prepared for the confrontation from the safety of a nearby tree.
Dan checked his watch. "It's almost two-thirty... where is she?!" he whispered angrily. He checked the stage again and surrounding area. Nothing. Not a single other pony walked through the streets, nopony else approached the stage. It was quiet enough to hear the bouncing of the obligatory tumble weed roll its way across the area.
"Maybe she skipped town... gettin' humiliated like that in public, I sure wouldn't want to be seen 'round after somethin' like that happened," Applejack commented.
Dan turned back to her. "Humiliated? Her? What about me? SHE'S the one who did this to ME! It was practically a sick joke in front of every other pony in town!"
"Well, I'm just sayin' Dan, she went and messed up that trick of hers in front of the whole town, too. I'd be pretty embarrassed if I was a magician."
"Yeah, well if she thinks she's embarrassed now, I'm gonna show her ten different kinds of embarrassment when she shows back up," Dan turned back around.
Applejack was actually referring to something else and Twilight knew it. Some time ago, what felt like a long time ago, Applejack actually did leave town out of her own shame for a similar situation. They literally had to track her down and then chase her down to try and find out why she had run away. The cowgirl mare may not have been a magician like Trixie but she knew about living up to expectations and performing for large crowds. She also knew the feeling of not living up to those expectations.
Twilight could tell she even sympathized for Trixie; Twilight did, too. She and the others had learned quite a few lessons about friendship from dealing with Trixie, lessons Dan hadn't been involved with. Twilight still remembered meeting Dan, Chrysalis and Fluffle Puff around the same time, what seemed like ages ago. Apart from seeing each other at home or bumping into each other in town, Twilight hardly ever saw Dan or the others. In fact, she interacted with them in person almost as often as she spent time with Princess Celestia. The thought was discomforting.
As they crouched in the bushes in anticipation of the culprit's return, Twilight's gaze was fixed on the back of her enraged houseguest's neck. She realized then her problem: she hadn't done the best job in balancing her friends. Dan, Fluffle Puff, Twilight, even her own brother, there were in actuality very few other ponies that were privy to Twilight's journeys with her friends. While Twilight did send a weekly letter to the princess and most other ponies heard about her adventures anyway, she didn't talk to any of her other friends regularly.
Dan continued to seethe in front of her. She put a hoof on the back of his shoulder hoping it would calm down but his focus was fixed on the stage in front of them. He was going to be hard to get through to.
If her friends outside of the regular five had more contact with Twilight, maybe Dan would be exercising forgiveness instead of retaliation right now and maybe she would've known Trixie's act hadn't changed much. Twilight came to the sudden realization that while she had learned many lessons about friendship, there were others who hadn't learned the same lessons. It wasn't just about Dan not being involved; this entire incident was a clear indication that Equestria itself wasn't benefiting enough from her learning about the magic of friendship. She would have to find some way to teach others as well as her friends from now on.
But right now, sympathy wasn't going to prevent Dan from being as bald as Cranky Doodle Donkey for the foreseeable future. More time passed as the group continued to wait. Other ponies actually showed up to watch the show, not many but a few. A family spread out a picnic blanket to sit upon as they waited. Some even placed a bit or two into the glass jar sitting at the foot of the stage; it was beginning to almost overflow. Despite the increase in activity, the star remained absent.
"Rrrrggh," Dan growled. "Where is that gypsy?"
Pinkie gasped, peeking out from behind the curtain. "Oooh! I know a thing or two about gypsies! I even know this song!" She took a deep breath to begin to sing. "When-"
"SHHHHH!!!" Rarity shushed her.
"Sorry!" Pinkie whispered back. "But it's a really good song!" Rarity facehooved and shook her head silently.
Dan checked his watch again. Almost 3o'clock. He scratched his head and was reminded AGAIN at his lack of hair.
"Hey, Twilight?" Pinkie asked from behind the curtains.
"Pinkie, what is it? We're not supposed to be drawing attention to ourselves!" Twilight chastised.
"I know, it's just, I'm wondering why you're casting a levitation spell."
"What?" Twilight checked her horn. "I'm not levitating anything."
"Then why is the tip jar floating away?" Pinkie pointed.
Sure enough, in front of the stage the tip jar hovered in midair and moved slowly away from them. It bobbed from side-to-side as it drifted over the grass, heading down the street.
"GET HER!!" Dan ordered, leaping from behind the bush. The others sprung from their hiding places to rush the jar. In response, the jar seemed to pause and then accelerate in the direction it was heading. The spectators turned to see the six ponies race towards the floating jug as it hovered down the street.
Rainbow Dash jumped off her cloud and dove for the jar, speeding for it like an arrow. When it looked like she was about to snatch it, it abruptly stopped and turned at the last second and the Pegasus shot past it.
"What the hay?" Rainbow said, puzzled. Dan and the others approached from behind, blocking the jar's attempt at reversing course. It spun in midair and shook.
"Wait a minute," Twilight said, slowing down. Looking at the jar, she noticed something strange about it. "It's not glowing. She's not casting a spell on it."
The other ponies took notice of this as well. As she said, the container had no mystical aura around it to indicate it was being moved by magic.
"PONYVILLE IS HAUNTED!!" Pinkie screamed.
Twilight narrowed her gaze. "No, this is something else."
Dan didn't slow his advance; he ran right up to the floating jar. As he bore down on it, he undid the turban around his head and spread the cloth in both hands, preparing to catch the unicorn wherever she was.
The jar kept trying to get through Rainbow Dash but the Pegasus stood between it and the street beyond, blocking any attempt at escape as the others approached from behind.
"Thought you could get away from us, didn't you?" Dan said as he ran up to it.
"Dan, she's not levitating it; this is something else," Twilight cautioned.
While Dan wasn't that familiar with magic, he'd spent enough time around Twilight to know when something was being influenced by a levitation spell.
"But if she's not levitating the coin jar, then where is she?" Rarity asked.
"I don't know!" Dan bellowed, rage still coursing through him. "But that fraud's not getting away with anypony's hard earned money!" He lunged at the jar with the blue cloth in hand when something else happened. He collided in the air with something else and the jar fell to the ground, spilling its contents. As if from thin air, Trixie appeared underneath Dan as he tackled her to the street.
"Ow! Hey, those bits are mine!" Trixie yelled.
"Trixie? Where did you come from?" Rainbow Dash asked.
Both Dan and the magician got up, brushing the dirt off of themselves. "I've been here the whole time. You just couldn't see me." Something about her had changed; her tone was more submissive, nothing like the way she was on stage.
"You made yourself invisible?" Twilight asked.
Trixie nodded. "It's the disappearing spell."
"Trying to grab the cash and skip town after making me bald, ey?" Dan asked in an accusing voice.
The blue unicorn turned to him. "I had no intention of leaving... I was just trying to empty my jar before the next show."
"So, you were planning on going through with your other shows?" Fluttershy asked.
Trixie adjusted her cap and cape. "Of course. If I schedule a performance, I owe it to the audience to conduct it. It would be unfair otherwise."
"Then why did you jump off stage and run away after making my hair vanish?!!" Dan demanded.
"I..." Trixie paused for a moment. "I'm sorry. It was a mistake. I had no idea that would happen when I used the disappearing spell on you."
"Sorry?! You're sorry?!" The bald man shouted. "After humiliating me on stage in front of every pony in town, you're just sorry?!!"
Trixie nodded. "Yes... I'm very sorry." Her expression and tone conveyed both regret and concern.
Dan still trembled with rage as the mare apologized in front of him. The others looked at him, all equally concerned. His jaw clenched, he looked ready to tackle the magician again. Twilight walked over to him.
"Dan, she said she was sorry," Twilight reminded him softly. Standing on her back legs, she grabbed him by the shoulders to try to calm him down.
Dan's eyes scanned the faces of his other friends; they all shared the same concerned expression, wondering what Dan would do next. He looked to the frightened unicorn in front of him. She didn't try to run or hide, didn't try to avert her fate. It was as if she stood in the road waiting for Dan to render judgment for her error. Her fate was in Dan's hands. It was exactly what he wanted; justice. But for some reason, surrounded by his friends, he was unable to render it.
Fists slowly un-balling, Dan's demeanor turned from sheer fury back to mild contempt. "Fine... I...accept your apology," he said, exhaling sharply.
"Thank you, Dan," Twilight said, patting him. Trixie's mouth slowly formed a smile, as did the other ponies. Disaster had been narrowly averted it seemed.
"So...," Trixie began. "If you all will excuse me, I have a show to perform." She walked towards Dan and the others, back to the stage.
"Oh, absolutely," Dan said, sounding cheerful as she passed. "There's just one little problem."
The blue unicorn looked over her shoulder. "And... that is?"
Dan bent over and pointed to his head. I'M STILL BALD!!! he shouted. The pale dome practically sparkled in the sunlight. Looking closely, Pinkie almost could see her own reflection.
"Oh, um, right. Sorry," Trixie turned back around. "Um... I really wasn't expecting for the spell to make your hair disappear, believe me."
"Sure," Dan said stoically, staring back at Trixie with the same apathetic look of contempt.
Pinkie put a hoof to her chin. "So, you're able to make the spell work on yourself... but not others?"
"I tested the spell on several things and they all seemed to work. It took a while to learn but eventually it became like any other spell," Trixie explained.
"Right. I'm sure there are plenty of spells that make people go bald," Dan said sarcastically.
"I don't exactly know why the spell didn't work but I'm sure the standard cleansing spell will be able to reverse it," Trixie said, charging her horn.
"That won't work-, we've already tried-" Dan started to say but was blasted by Trixie's beam. A second later, a cloud of bluish smoke evaporated and the still-bald form of Dan finished with, "cleansing magic."
"What? Why didn't it work?" Trixie asked, surprised.
Twilight moved to her side. "I tried a couple of different spells after you left, none seemed to work."
Trixie put a blue hoof to her chin. "I don't understand. This spell seems to work on everything else. Why did it make only your hair disappear?"
"It's because he's a human," a voice answered. The other ponies looked around but didn't see anyone else in sight.
"Who said that?" Rainbow Dash asked.
A book sailed through the air and landed in the middle of the group between Dan and Trixie. Twilight walked over and picked it up. It was a large tome with a hardback; she recognized it as a spell book almost immediately.
"Arcane Apology?" Twilight read the title on the cover. She noticed it was heavy as she picked it up off the ground.
"That should help you out. Take good care of it," the voice said. It almost sounded like somepony Twilight had met before.. but she couldn't put her hoof on where exactly. Looking around, she caught a glimpse of a pony in a brown hooded cloak walking away from them. Whoever it was, Twilight quickly lost them as they walked behind a tree.
"What is it, Twilight?" Rarity asked as the others gathered around Twilight.
"It's a spell book... but not like any book I've ever seen before."
Dan narrowed his eyes at the large tome. "It reminds me of those old textbooks from college."
Twilight opened it. The book was thick, its pages almost brittle they were so thin. She quickly flipped through it and found a table of contents. Looking over them, she turned to a chapter marked "Arcane Effects" towards the middle of the book. Twilight noticed other spells, diagrams, charts and detailed information as she skipped through.
"If there's something here, it should be in this section," Twilight said, flipping the pages one hoof at a time.
"Stop!" Trixie put a hoof on the page. "That's the disappearing spell I learned!"
Twilight looked back at the page. It seemed to list detailed instructions on how to perform magic that rendered the target invisible to the naked eye. The page provided examples of its use, suggested targets and even the proper counter spells.
"Is this your book, Trixie?" Twilight asked.
"No..." Trixie replied. "I didn't learn the disappearing spell from this book. A stranger in the Crystal Empire taught it to me. But I recognize the spell."
"Well, it looks like this has the proper counter spell we need."
"Fantastic!" Dan cheered. "All right, use it on me and everything will be back to the way it was!"
Twilight turned to Trixie. "I think we should let Trixie perform the spell, Dan."
"What?!" Dan asked in shock. "I can't trust her! She's the one who did this to me in the first place!"
"Which is why she should be the one to fix it," Twilight responded, giving a knowing and encouraging smile to Trixie. Trixie returned the expression with a shy and modest grin, understanding what the purple princess was doing for her.
"I... all right," Dan said, giving up. "Just hurry up and get it over with."
"Gladly," Trixie replied. Giving the spell a quick glance, Trixie conjured the cleansing spell with her horn. A blue aura pulsed around it and a bright ray launched from the tip, causing a flash of light when it hit Dan.
Dan kept his eyes shut this time. Dan had experienced a couple different spells, mostly Twilight's and Chrysalis's and he had to say, each one was unique but they had some similarities. Magic had its own feeling, a tingling sensation with a warmness to it like the rush of a breeze with a static surge. It had all the feelings of a force all its own, a whisper in the ear, a warm breath on the shoulder, something that shouldn't be there and yet undeniably was. Sometimes, it was terrifying and at other times, it was comforting.
"Dan, open your eyes!" Pinkie Pie cried enthusiastically. But Dan didn't have to open his eyes. He ran his fingers over his head again and was both relieved and satisfied to feel his hair back in its place, even in the same style he'd left it in. A smile spread across his face as the stress left him.
"Ahh... at last," Dan sighed with relief. "The baldness is gone... I'm glad that's over with."
"What do we say, Dan?" Twilight encouraged, leaning over and looking at him.
"You're right, Twilight," Dan agreed. Twilight smiled. It was good to see everything coming full-circle, the cycle of forgiveness complete. Dan turned around. "Thank you, guys, for helping me track down Trixie and get my hair back."
Trixie's face scrunched up a little bit and Twilight's smile immediately turned into a frown. "Um, don't you think there might be somepony else you should thank, Dan?" Twilight was wanting Dan to thank Trixie; despite the fact she had humiliated Dan, she had also been the one to fix her mistake.
Dan facepalmed. "Oh, I almost forgot." Twilight's smile returned. Sometimes it took people a minute to get things straightened out. She listened for Dan to express his gratitude to Trixie next. Obviously, that was what he was about to do.
Dan picked up the book off the ground. "Thanks to whoever gave us this free book! Appreciate it!" he called out. He then turned back to the others. "All right, let's get going," he said, walking past Twilight and Trixie without another thought.
"Wait, Dan, where are you going?" Twilight asked, shocked.
Dan looked over his shoulder. "I'm gonna head back and check out this new book. I'll see ya back at the house." He continued walking off with the new book tucked under his arm.
Twilight felt almost devastated; it didn't look like Dan had really forgiven Trixie. She could only imagine how the blue unicorn must've felt. Her friends gathered around her.
"I'm sorry, Trixie. Dan can be a little-"
"It's quite all right, Twilight Sparkle," Trixie interrupted. She quickly brushed up her tip jar and bits. "Now, if you'll all excuse me, Trixie has a show to perform." Her tone sounded pompous again. She began walking back to the stage.
"Wait, y'all are still gonna perform after what happened?" Applejack asked.
"Of course!" Trixie answered. "The show must go on!"
Twilight's head drooped to the ground. Just like that, the problem was over. All though it appeared to have been resolved with a satisfactory solution, it didn't seem like either Trixie or Dan had learned anything from the incident. Both of them seemed to remain unchanged by the events as if the situation hadn't happened at all. Her friends noticed her demeanor.
"What's wrong, Twilight?" Fluttershy asked.
Twilight exhaled sharply. "Sometimes, it doesn't feel like anypony else is really learning anything about friendship."
"Now hey," Applejack interjected. "I know that's not true. All of us use the lessons we've learned almost every day." The others around her nodded in agreement.
"I know," Twilight said, her voice distraught. "But I feel like sometimes it might be just as that has learned, no one else."
"Ah, don't worry bout it, Twi," Applejack replied, patting her on the back. "People can just be a little stubborn sometimes. I'm sure they'll come 'round eventually."
"I guess so," the alicorn said, her voice heavy with uncertainty. The six ponies walked back towards the stage.
A few more spectators had gathered in front of the stage but not many, a dozen at most. Twilight and her friends approached as the curtains pulled back.
"Come one, come all, come see! Prepare to be astounded by the Grrrreat and POWERFUL Trixie!" Fireworks shot into the air as the unicorn made her announcement. In a bright flash, she appeared on stage. A pair in the audience applauded but that was about it and nopony seemed very enthusiastic to be there.
"Trixie," Applejack said, approaching the stage. "There's hardly anypony here. Why're you still going on with this?"
"The stage is here and so am I!" Trixie proclaimed. "It is as I said: the show must go on!"
"Doesn't seem like much of a point to me..." Applejack commented.
Trixie grinned back at her. "Well, allow me to explain..."
I remind myself when I get started That on this stage I am an artist And all those ponies out there came here to see me But although the tensions are high I still go out there and I try To show my audience what they all came to see! 1...2...3... Pull back the curtains! Cue the spotlight! There might not be many ponies out there tonight But I'll still shine so bright that they'll all think it's dawn! Because no matter what the show must go on!
How about producing fire from my hat? (Audience)We've already all seen that! How bout I turn my wand into a snake? (Audience)Who're you trying to fool? That's clearly fake! I won't stop until you're impressed! (Audience)Get off the stage! Give it a rest! Sometimes you are the queen, sometimes you are the pawn But no matter what the show must go on!
When I was young, I found I had a flair For attracting attention from everywhere! It was a talent that nopony else possessed! I think of that when I'm on this stage Though my audience my start to rage I'm here right now so I might as well try and do my best! I work so hard that I get frazzled Hoping to see my audience dazzled Even if it's applause that I have yet to spawn Because no matter what the show must go on!
Maybe what you need is a good scare? (Rarity)Please, not again with the green hair Perhaps something with magic cards? (Rainbow Dash)Anypony can do that; it isn't hard! Look at these unbroken rings! (Applejack)I think that I can see the strings... Can I ask for a volunteer? (Pinkie Pie)Why don't you try again next year? How about I show off my animal charm? (Fluttershy)I wouldn't want them to be alarmed... Should I take somepony's request? (Twilight Sparkle)Maybe another time would be for the best? I'll win you over; I promise this is not a con! And no matter what the show must go on!
I've traveled around the world to perfect my magic It's a journey so long that I refuse to let it end tragic Some ponies may think that my show's one-dimensional... And things may happen sometimes, unintentional... But Trixie's got plenty inside her bag of tricks! Not every single spell works out But I keep trying and I have no doubt That eventually I'll find the one that clicks! I remain confident my spells and plans Will get them cheering in the stands! And I promise to keep performing till my energy is gone! Because no matter what, the show must go onnnnnnnn!!!!!!!
A fireworks finale erupted as Trixie's presentation ended. The entire audience applauded including Twilight and her friends.
"Thank you, thank you!" Trixie said, bowing. "Now, for her next trick, the great and powerful Trixie would like to ask for a volunteer."
And that was Twilight and her friends' cue to leave. Together, they turned around and departed the stage, putting distance between them and Trixie's latest performance.
"Now that that's over... are we all ready to go cloud riding finally?" Rainbow Dash asked impatiently, hovering above the group.
"I... think I'm gonna go check on Dan," Twilight confessed, her tone concerned.
"What?!" Rainbow was shocked. "After wasting all that time, you're just gonna go back home now?"
"Dan's been through a lot today. I'm sorry; we'll hang out some other time."
Applejack put a hoof on her friend's shoulder. "It's all right, Twi. Always plenty of time to ride the clouds.."
Twilight smiled. "Bye girls. I'll see you later!" she called, trotting in the direction of her house.
Rainbow landed on the ground and stomped a hoof. "I don't believe this... after everything that happened..."
"Twilight's got a lot on her mind right now, Rainbow," Rarity said. "It probably won't be easy involving Dan in our activities form now on."
Rainbow turned to the white unicorn. "Who says we're gonna invite him next time?"
Applejack's gaze was focused down the road. "I have a hunch Twilight will." This comment got a disappointed huff out of Rainbow Dash.
"Aww, don't be so hard on Dan, Dashie!" Pinkie said. "It can be tough being the new pony-err, person in town."
Fluttershy nodded. "It takes time for new creatures to adjust to their environment," she added.
"Hasn't he been here for like... months?" Rainbow asked.
"Sure but he hasn't really been 'round for much that's happened. It just means he'll need a little bit more time to adjust," Applejack said.
Rainbow thought for a moment. "I guess so...," she turned to the others. "Well, whatcha wanna do now?"
"We could watch the rest of Trixie's show!" Pinkie suggested.
Rainbow turned back to the stage. "All right but if she asks for a volunteer, I ain't getting up on stage."
Pinkie laughed. "Yeah, you wouldn't wanna wind up as RainBALD Dash!" The group of friends chuckled as they headed back to watch the rest of Trixie's performance. Unbeknownst to the five mares, another pony in a hooded brown cloak was among the crowd as they approached the stage. But this pony wasn't there to watch the show.
It was late in the afternoon when Twilight got home. She opened the door to her house, wondering who else was home.
"Hi Twilight," Spike greeted her upon entering.
"Hello, Spike," Twilight said back, noticing something strange right away. Spike, Chrysalis and Fluffle Puff all sat on the couch in the living room, looking soaking wet. They looked to be trying to dry off.
"Did the two of you wash Fluffle Puff?"
"Sort of," Chrysalis answered. "I think I'd rather not get into it..."
"Okay..." Twilight said, deciding not to pry. "Where's Dan?"
"Up in his room... where it's dry..." Chrysalis shivered.
"All right, I'll go check on him," Twilight said, walking past them and up the stairs. As their host left, Chrysalis looked over to Spike.
"Never. Again," Chrysalis said to Spike. The purple dragon shivered in response and the pink puff ball pony in between them stuck out its tongue. 'Pbbthd' was all it said.
Twilight knocked on the door to the room Dan shared with Chrysalis and Fluffle Puff.
"It's open," Dan called back. Twilight opened and entered to find the young man lying back on his bed, hands behind his head just staring at the ceiling.
"Hi, Dan," Twilight said, making her voice sound comforting. "Did you... have fun today?"
Dan kept his eyes on the roof. "Is it like that every time you're out with your friends?"
Twilight knew what he was referring to. She thought about the question. "It definitely gets exciting. You never know who you're going to meet at times."
"I hope we don't meet too many other ponies like Trixie," Dan replied, rolling over.
Twilight thought hard about how to phrase her next statement. "It's fun to meet new ponies. Sometimes you meet somepony you don't get along with but by interacting with them, they can teach you something new. I try to look at it as an opportunity to learn. Maybe... you could, too?"
"Yeah, yeah..." Dan grumbled, still on his side.
Twilight walked back to the door and closed it, casting one last glance behind her at her guest before shutting it. She realized it was going to be difficult getting through to Dan but she wouldn't give up. It might take a while but Dan was her friend, too and she planned on involving him when she did things with her friends. It was what friends do and she believed she could help Dan. She trotted back to her room and decided to write a letter to Princess Celestia about the matter.
Meanwhile, back in Dan's room, Dan didn't hear the door shut as Twilight left; he was too busy focusing on his cell phone. He scrolled through the menu until he reached the video he'd recorded some minutes ago and pressed play.
On the small screen before him, the recording of Trixie's magic show played. In the quiet of Dan's room, he watched the blue unicorn sing along with his friends. And he smiled.
Outro- Closing Theme of Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship Parody of 'Just the two of us'- feat. Bill Withers
You see us walking down the street We're not the type you'd like to meet But if you greet us, we'll still say hello
We may not have been here all that long Once in a while, we're in the wrong But when squee goes down, we're the ones you want to know
Just don't screw with us Don't mess around, don't even try Just don't screw with us (Just don't screw with us)
Jussssst don't screw with us You can't cross us, you won't get by Just don't screw with us That's good advice
We don't always fit in with folks in town But when trouble comes around You'll be glad that we're all here
Some people still don't see the signs They come here, cross a couple lines But we still try to make things clear
Rule Number-One: Just Don't Screw with Us Don't mess around, don't even try Just don't screw with ussss (Just don't screw with us)
Jussssst Don't Screw With Us! Unless your name is Pinkie Pie! Still, don't screw with us. That's no lie.
This is the part with the saxophone, songs sound better with saxophone solos That's why we added this part with the sax-o-phonnnnnneeee This is the instrumental portion, I hope that we made it clear somehow But if it wasn't clear before, I'm sure it's- clear- now!
You see us walking down the street We're not the types you want to meet But when you call on us, we sure to get the job done
We might not be what you expect Celestia knows, we're not perfect But you can still join us for the fun
Just don't screw with us Don't mess around, don't even try~ Just don't screw with us (Just don't screw with us)
Jusssst don't screw with us! Alright, maybe Derpy or Fluttershy, the rest Don't screw with us HEY WHAT DID I JUST SAY, YOU GUYS?!
Just Don't Screw With Us~ Yes, that's what I said, but you're just repeating the chorus and- Jusssssssttt Don't Screwwww With Usssssssss! It's passive-aggressive, baby Why does Spike have the deep voice in this? Jussst, Don't Screw With Ussss~ We can make it, just don't screw with us~ Yeah, that's what the song is about, but I'm serious Just don't screw with us~ Hey, the saxophone is back Just don't screw with us~ We can make it, just don't screw with us Okay... fine. As long as you get the message. We'll see you all next week, okay now? BYE. We'll be back soon. And next time, we do it right!
Fourth Window Section
All right, and... now.
...
Come on, Dan. Say it.
"Unggggg. Fine. I'm... the 'D' to the 'A' to the 'N'... and you better be recording because I'm NEVER doing this again. I'm... I'm... Danlicious."
Awesome, thanks Dan.
"Right, now who do I talk to about payment cuz I-"
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship... A rude awakening sends Dan on the warpath but when he tries to retaliate, he finds his world getting rocked in more ways than one. He'll need a little more than just SOUND advice to return peace and quiet to Ponyville. It's a battle of the bands next Saturday on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"You might wanna put on these earplugs." "Why?" "Because this is gonna BLOW YOUR MIND!!
Next Saturday: Dan VS. DJ PON-3. The all-new episode of Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship. Spend your Saturdays with some DANFiction!
"Hey, I'm getting paid for that whole 'Danlicious' thing right? Right?"
Intro: Rise Up- Theme of Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship
One day, You wake up to find~ Nothing That you know is right! Feels like You've gone completely blind But somehow, you can still see the light~
You can show any rule You're not scared to defy it Show the world some healthy opposition If there's something new, you're not afraid to try it Because you're free to make your own decisions This is your life- no matter what others say~ Rise up! You can face the day!
So you're stuck There's not much you can do It's like Everything's out to get you But still You can still find a way to forge a path and make your dreams come true!
You can show the whole world You're not scared to believe it! Stand tall and defend your position! No matter how cold the truth is, you're not afraid to receive it! And keep moving forward with your own mission! This is your life- you've gotta live it your own way Rise up! You can face the day!
It's tough to see what the truth really is When all you've got is mixed messages Seems like the problems that come around Are setup just to keep you down Nothing seems right! And it's like your entire life's just plight after plight! But no matter what the problem is or how long the struggle's length, You can still find the courage to stand, to find your inner strength~
You can show any rule You're not scared to defy it! Show the world some healthy opposition! If there's something new, you're not afraid to try it! Because you're free to make your own decisions! This our world! The game is on and we're gonna play! We'll rise up! We can face the day!
Early in the morning, it was quiet in Twilight's house apart from the consistent sounds of snores. Dan, Chrysalis, Spike and even Fluffle Puff all made quite a lot of noise during their slumber. But this didn't disturb any of them; no, there was a harmony about all their nocturnal murmurings. It allowed all of them to sleep easily through the night and as the sun crept over the horizon, they were content to remain in bed a little while longer, indulging in their dreams.
The outside sounds and raise from the new-morning sun didn't rouse any of them. They weren't woken by the early activities of those in Ponyville, the birds flying over head and they didn't hear the pulsing sounds of bass coming from a newly-opened store nearby in town, especially not Dan.
Dan had learned a long time ago that Fluffle Puff made sounds like a freight train being derailed when she slept. He had the foresight to wear some earmuffs to bed when he adjourned for the night, meaning he didn't hear the wubs penetrating Twilight's house early in the morning. Unfortunately, wubs were not something that could only be heard but could also be very much felt. And Dan was about to feel them.
The young man vibrated on his bed, his eyes slowly blinked open. "Wha... what? What's going on?!" he continued shaking, the power of the bass pushing him to the edge of the bed. He fell to the floor, landing in a seated position.
"It's an earthquake! Run for your lives!!" Dan sprang to his feet and yanked off the earmuffs. The room around them shook with each blasting beat. He ran over to where Chrysalis and Fluffle still slept.
"Wake up! What're you two doing?! We have to evacuate!!" he yelled, grabbing Chrysalis by the shoulder.
The changling queen's eyes slowly opened. "It's... what...?" she asked groggily.
Dan shook her to clear her daze. "It's an earthquake! Use your magic! Do something!"
Chrysalis looked around, finally waking up. "Wha-what should I do?!"
"Change into something that can save us!!"
She thought for a moment. "Oh! I know!" In a bright, green flash, the changling queen transformed into an exact copy of Princess Celestia. Right down to the flowing mane, she looked exactly like the princess.
"I'm Princess Celestia now!" Chrysalis said, even in the princess's own voice. "Will this work?"
Dan gritted his teeth. "I said something that can save us, not somepony that'll just send for Twilight and- wait, Twilight!" It was then Dan realized the best course of action would be to get Twilight for help. He dropped the transformed white alicorn and ran out of his room. The walls shook as he ran across the way to Twilight's room. He banged on Twilight's door.
"Twilight! TWILIGHT, WAKE UP!! IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE!!" Dan shouted, banging on the door again. The vibrations in the house intensified; it felt like the tree might uproot itself at any second. Still, the door to Twilight's room didn't open.
"WE HAVE TO EVACUATE NOW! GET UP, GET UP!!" he shouted, desperately knocking to rouse his friend and get out in time. He heard books in the living room fall off the shelves. Suddenly, the vibrations stopped as the door to Twilight's room opened.
"Mornin' Dan," Spike said in the doorway. He seemed completely oblivious to the tremors.
Dan looked around, confused. "What... what happened? It's over?"
Spike looked confused as well. "What's over?"
Putting a hand to the wall, Dan didn't feel anything. Just like that, it was gone. "I... don't know. I thought there was an earthquake or something. Where's Twilight?"
Spike pointed behind him with his thumb. "She left early to go check out some new store that opened up in town. One of those 'grand opening' things; she wanted to be one of the first in line."
"I see..." Dan said, pondering. "Where's this store at?"
"It's the new WubWay just a down the street. Part of a chain, they sell music... and sandwiches, I think," Spike scratched his chin.
"Hmm... you know when she'll be back?"
"Not sure, probably soon. You need something?"
Dan's eyes narrowed. "I think I'll go check out this new store for myself," he said, turning around and walking back to his room. The house was a mess; he had to step over a few pictures that had been knocked to the floor by the seismic disturbance. He opened the door to the room he shared with Chrysalis and Fluffle Puff.
"Dan!" Chrysalis shouted enthusiastically as Dan stepped through. "How about now? I turned into something that will save us!"
"You transformed into Twilight?" Dan asked, raising an eyebrow.
The purple 'princess' nodded. "Yeah! She saved Equestria from me before I reformed and also saved the Crystal Empire from King Sombra!"
"And can you use all her powers?"
"Well, uh... no."
Dan smiled. "Keep working on it." He grabbed his cell phone from its charging receptacle on the wall socket. While most of Equestria seemed devoid of the more sophisticated electronics and appliances Dan was used to from Earth, he found out that was just a façade. Equestria's technology was simply not as prevalent in some areas but was by no means primitive. One might assume that the society lacked advanced equipment at first glance but that was simply the style the ponies seemed to prefer. Besides, they had magic so they simply didn't require that much advancement. Dan, however, did.
Fluffle Puff hugged him on the way out. He embraced the cuddly pink creature. Adapting to life in Equestria hadn't been easy at first but with the help of Fluffle Puff, Chrysalis and Twilight, he had managed. It hadn't taken him too long to find an electronics store in Ponyville(it was on the OTHER side of Sugar Cube Corner, go figure) and he enjoyed the new friends he'd made. But occasionally, something random would happen in town, like today and he would be left with no explanation. That was what he was going to set out to fix.
Dan walked down the stairs into the living room, taking care not to step on any of Twilight's books or belongings that had been strewn about the house. While a random earthquake was strange, Dan had trained himself not to panic. That, and living in California for most of his life had prepared him for it. Still, Equestria was not Earth and that meant an explanation might not be as clear but if it was something that could disturb him when he was trying to sleep in, it deserved his attention so that it didn't happen again.
Taking a deep breath and prepared for whatever state the town was in, Dan opened Twilight's door and stepped outside.
"Dan, wait!" Chrysalis called to him again. "I've got it this time! This will definitely save us!"
Dan turned back around to see Cadence running down from the stairs. "Oh, thank goodness!" he said, relieved.
The changling queen looked happy she'd finally transformed into the right thing, even if she didn't know why Dan had asked her yet. "This is good, right? Okay, so what do we need saving from?"
"Oh, don't worry about that. Crisis is over... for now, at least," Dan replied.
The queen returned to normal in a flash of green. "Wait, I don't understand."
"The disaster's over. No idea what started it but we're good now. You can go back to bed."
"But," the queen frowned. "Why were you happy I transformed into Cadence?"
"Oh, no, it wasn't that. You've got Cheeto-dust in your mane and it reminded me we're out of Cheetos," Dan replied, stepping outside.
"Cheeto-dust?" the queen repeated, brushing her mane with her hoof. "Dan, wait! Let me come with you!"
"Great idea! We can use you as a distraction in case we run into trouble!"
Chrysalis smiled, happy to be invited for the errand. "Oh, goody! This will be fun!"
"Exactly! You'll make the best bait ever!"
The queen clapped her hooves together. "Awesome! I get to be... wait, what?"
Dan turned around. "Now, to find this new music store..." he said, walking into the Ponyville street.
"And that's why it's called a bass cannon," Vinyl Scratch said, twisting the nob down.
Twilight stood in front of Wubway, Vinyl and her roommate Octavia's newest business venture, still taken back by the DJ pony's performance. While Octavia was inside the store taking care of customers, Vinyl had taken upon herself to demonstrate another one of their products, the bass cannon, to attract more business to the grand opening of their store. Twilight had been among the first to ask what the large contraption sitting out front was and Vinyl had been more than happy to show them what it was. Though it had been something they'd heard and felt rather than saw.
"That was... loud," Twilight said, not disguising her slight discomfort at the device. It reminded her of something Pinkie would come up with. "Are you sure that won't... disturb half of Ponyville every time it's used?"
"Nah!" the white unicorn waved away the suggestion, walking from behind her audial artillery. "I specially adapted the frequency so it won't penetrate any of the buildings in Ponyville. You can blast this baby all day and your neighbors will never notice!"
"What about trees?" Twilight asked.
"What about 'em?" the DJ tipped down her shades.
"What would this cannon do if it was in proximity to a tree house or something?"
"Ah, it'd probably shake the whole thing to bits but the tree would be okay, probably," Vinyl said, putting a hoof on her chin. "Why do ya ask?"
"Because I live in a tree house. With a few others. Close by," she gestured to the side. "Next door, actually."
Vinyl over to peer around the side of the building. Sure enough, a couple houses down was the Ponyville Library where Twilight lived in a roundabout area of the neighborhood. It was indeed a tree house and Vinyl could tell at this distance, it probably had felt the effects of her bass cannon.
The music mare removed her trademark sunglasses. "Maybe I should stop wearing these at night..." she muttered, looking at her shades. "Well, uh... hey, at least we know the library can withstand the acoustical blast of one of these babies!" Vinyl grinned hugely, trying to cover up the fact she'd unintentionally subjected the newest princess's home with the sonic awesomeness that were wubs.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Yeah but what about everything inside?"
"Oh," the DJ said shyly, "Uh, things might get shaken up... a little, maybe."
"A little?" a voice repeated. The two ponies turned to see Dan and Chrysalis standing behind Twilight. "Smoothies are a little shaken up, the house is a wreck."
"Hi... guys," Twilight turned around and said nervously. "Did you both sleep well?" She didn't really know what else to say; she wanted to be cautious and try not to do anything to anger her easily disgruntled friends, knowing they'd probably cause a scene. Looking at both of them staring back at her, Twilight knew it already might be too late for that.
"Slept just fine up until I thought the library was being torn down," Dan remarked, his arms folded.
"Yeeeeeaaah.... sorry about that," Vinyl apologized. "Modified the bass cannon so it wouldn't affect the buildings in Ponyville, kinda forgot not every building is... a building."
Twilight looked over to Dan and Chrysalis to see they both wore unamused expressions. She smiled at them, hoping to defuse the potentially volatile situation but inside, she prepared for the verbal onslaught before it happened. "Are you guys... okay?" Twilight asked cautiously.
Dan returned his arms to his sides. "Oh yeah, we're fine. Like I said, house is a bit of a mess but it shouldn't take too long to clean up."
"It might take time to get all the books re-alphabetized and all the pictures back on the walls but everything else is all right," Chrysalis added. They both walked over to the front of the store.
Twilight's eyes went wide. Was she really hearing this? Did Dan get disturbed and then... NOT get mad?
"Sorry about that again, guys," Vinyl said to the two as they approached.
"It's all right," Dan replied. "I honestly thought it was an earthquake or something when I woke up. I'm kind of relieved it wasn't some giant monster attacking the town or something."
The purple alicorn couldn't believe her ears. "You both aren't... mad?" she had to ask.
Chrysalis turned and shrugged. "Why would we be? It's you and Spike who are going to have to reorganize the library."
"Good point," Twilight thought aloud. Was there something she wasn't getting here?
"So, apart from the wake-up wubs, how're you guys doing?" Vinyl asked the two.
"Not bad," Dan answered. "Starting to get out and do a little more with Twilight and the others. What's with the new store?"
"Ah, me and Tavi are starting a new flagship project. It's gonna be a chain," she said, gesturing to the sing overhead with her hoof.
"Wubway?" Dan raised an eyebrow at the sign. "What was wrong with your old record shop?"
"Nothing, we were just looking to expand and needed a brand name to go along with it. Wubways will be smaller with more of an emphasis on downloading music and letting people customize their albums, even create and remix tracks. We'll still sell CDs and records but every store will have Wi-Fi so if there's something we don't have, they can still listen to it and download it for a price," Vinyl explained.
"That sounds pretty interesting," Chrysalis said. "Is every store going to come complete with its own bass cannon?"
"Ah, nah, this one's just to get things started off here in Ponyville," Vinyl put a hoof to her chin. "Might consider putting one in a catalogue or something."
"Well, I'm going to miss the old record store," Dan said.
"Yeah," Vinyl agreed in a somewhat sad tone. "It was nice having you guys come in every now and then but we need more business."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "You've all met before?"
"Oh yeah," Vinyl answered. "Dan and Chrys stopped by lots of times before."
"I dropped by about once a week while out shopping," Dan revealed. "The old record store was right next to the StopGame and Starbucks."
"StopGame? Starbucks?" Twilight asked, surprised there were stores in town she didn't know about.
"Yep," Chrysalis nodded. "We didn't even have to ponify Starbucks."
"Wait, what?"
"You guys wanna come inside, check out the new store?" Vinyl offered.
"Sounds great!" Dan happily replied and the DJ unicorn escorted the two inside. Twilight stepped around the bass cannon and looked at the store's sign. She'd just heard about the grand opening today but according to some of the advertisements in the windows, it had been forecast for weeks.
The purple alicorn looked up and down the streets at some of the other buildings. Some she recognized... but most she didn't. She saw ponies milling about their houses, most of them unfamiliar despite living so close to her home. Twilight hadn't heard about the two stores Dan mentioned and she couldn't recall ever visiting Vinyl and Octavia's old store. In fact, apart from Sugar Cube Corner, Twilight barely recognized this part of town. It was like being in a Ponyville she'd never seen before.
Head slightly lower than before, heavy with thought, Twilight entered the music shop.
Rows of shelves lined the store from the front entrance to the back. To the right side of the store, tables and chairs were set up with computer terminals lining the wall. Towards the back, a line of ponies stretched over to the side while Octavia worked behind the counter at a cash register. The shop appeared to be half café, half record store. Twilight saw her three friends in the center of the aisle ahead of her at a listening station. Nudging past a couple ponies who she thought were from Trottingham, she made her way over to them.
"Oooh, I like this one," Chrysalis said. She wore a pair of headphones and hopped in place, dancing to the song she was listening to.
"That one's a classic, Pinkie Pie's jam," Vinyl remarked, adjusting her shades. It was her business to know music, including what everypony liked.
Dan was looking through some of the items off to the side. "This is actually a pretty good deal for me. I can choose whatever tracks I want, create an album and buy it for the standard price of a CD."
"Yep. It's all about customization and convenience these days. Of course, nothing beats live music. That's why we have the café area. At night, we move out all the tables and BOOM! Instant dance floor. And every Wubway's gonna have one," Vinyl proudly declared.
"How are you going to perform in every store?" Twilight asked.
Vinyl chuckled. "I'm not gonna be in EVERY store, Twilight. Maybe me and Octavia will be at a couple openings but we're gonna hire local talent. Give new musicians in each town a chance."
"Don't you think it will be hard to find new DJs in every town?"
Vinyl tipped her shades at Twilight. "You'd be surprised how many musicians there are out in Equestria. Neon Lights has signed on to perform at the next one, just as soon as we get this store up and running. These shops are going to be about creating an environment where music, musicians and fans of music are all celebrated together."
Twilight looked around, seeing the business. "Well, it looks like you're off to a great start." For some reason, Twilight was reminded of her library in that instant. Apart from her houseguests, she was the only one who used it. Hardly any other ponies in town checked out any books. Of course, Twilight knew there was a difference between stories and songs but she couldn't help think... maybe her library could use some improvement as well?
Chrysalis flipped through songs and continued listen-browsing. "Hey Dan, check this one out," she said, levitating a second pair of headphones over to him.
Dan put them on. "Hmm... not bad."
"Here, try this one," Vinyl said, switching tracks on the display in front of them.
"Hey, now this is pretty good," Dan remarked.
Vinyl beamed. "One of my own originals. Took me almost a week to get the beats just right."
"Wow, you wrote this yourself?" Chrysalis asked.
"Yep. I might even remix it sometime down the road. I like reexamining my own work like that."
"Let me know if you ever need specific vocals," Chrysalis said. "I can transform into any pony there is, including their voice."
The white unicorn put a hoof to her chin. "I'll keep that in mind..."
Dan removed the headphones. "Great track, Vinyl. It kind of reminds me of a song by Arch Pawn, band back from Earth."
"It does?" the DJ asked, adjusting her glasses again.
"Yeah, especially the vocals. I even saw them in concert once," Dan answered.
"You never mentioned what music is like on Earth before," Twilight commented, encouraging an explanation.
"Well, there's not much of a difference. Music is music, I guess," Dan thought aloud and pulled out his phone. "Come to think of it, I think I still have a few songs downloaded from Earth."
"Hey, that kinda looks like my phone," Vinyl leaned closer.
"Really?" Dan asked. He pulled up his contacts on the phone's screen. "What's your number? I can add you on here."
"Uhh..." the DJ took a step back. "I don't really have it any more."
The group looked over to her. "What happened to it?" Twilight asked.
Vinyl smiled shyly. "The touchscreen was too small for my hooves. So I couldn't really use it."
"You know the Radio Barn down the street can modify it for you," Dan said. "You could take it to them and fix it so it would be easier to use."
"Uhh... can't really do that either," the white unicorn said. "I kinda threw it into a fireplace during an interview... and then it exploded."
"You threw your phone into a fireplace?" Twilight quirked an eyebrow.
Chrysalis grinned. "Was that interview a little too... hot for you?" The changling queen looked around and noticed that suddenly noticed that a silence answered her. She blushed and was forced to quickly recompose herself.
Dan kept flipping through his phone. "Hey, I think I found it. Listen to this."
Vinyl levitated the phone over to her, put on a pair of ear buds and plugged them into the phone. Dan pressed a key on the screen and music began to play. The DJ mare's expression slowly changed from curious, to enthusiastic, then slowly to puzzled, discomforted and finally... disgusted. She removed the buds from her ears, one ear twitching.
"That's... Earth music?" she asked, seeming shaken. "This... doesn't sound anything like any of my music."
"What're you talking about?" Dan asked, shocked. "This sounds EXACTLY like that song you just had up."
Vinyl shrugged. "I'm sorry Dan, I really don't think so. It doesn't sound the same to me."
"Your track sounds almost exactly the same as the one on my phone," Dan defended. "I don't know how you can't hear the similarity."
Vinyl chuckled. "I don't hear the similarity because there isn't one, Dan. It just sounds... different, I guess. Like something from another planet. I guess that makes sense, seeing as how it's from Earth."
"That doesn't make any sense at all!" Dan shouted. "Music is music whether it's from Earth or Equestria! The songs might be different but it's not like-"
"It's just... noise," Vinyl finished his sentence.
"That's ridiculous," Dan shook his head. "There's no difference between Earth and Equestrian music!"
The DJ put on a forced smile and removed her shades. "Are you saying I don't know my own music, Dan?"
"Well I don't know; are you sure you even heard my question?"
Twilight's eyes went wide at the exchange. Chrysalis covered her muzzle with her hoof.
Dan handed her his phone. "I've got tons of music on this thing leftover from Earth. I made sure to download plenty in case I ever didn't want to listen to someone talking. There's lots of songs on there and there's NOTHING different between them and Equestrian songs."
"Hmm..." the white unicorn put a hoof to her chin as she looked at the phone, weighing her options. "We'll see about that."
Chrysalis grinned. "Don't you mean you'll hear about that?" She received three contempt stares in response from the other three and lowered her head.
The group stood in the aisles for a few minutes as the unicorn musician listened to Dan's music. Going over each song, she only listened to the first parts before her expression would contort into disdain and she'd move on. An increasingly irritated Dan flipped through tracks on his phone while a nervous Twilight watched.
Chrysalis, on the other hoof, had found a new use for blank CDs by placing them in the holes on her hooves that were characteristic of her species. Sliding a disk into all of her spaces, she then placed two in front of her eyes and made two into earrings.
"Hey, look. I guess the "C" in CD stands for Changling now." she giggled. "This'll make it really easy for me to CHANGE tracks!" Dan and Twilight facepalm/hooved at the queen's comment.
"Can you change into inanimate objects?" Twilight asked, genuinely curious.
Chrysalis clicked her hooves together innocently. "Well... it's kind of something I've been practicing with Fluffle Puff but I don't know yet..."
"Wow... that was... wow," Vinyl shook her head and removed the ear buds.
"You see?" Dan asked.
"Hear*" Chrysalis corrected.
He pointed to the phone. "Every single song on there is-"
"-crap." Vinyl answered for Dan.
"Which is just what I- wait, what?"
The DJ mare levitated the device back to the young man. "Complete crap, Dan... that's what you had me listen to."
Dan stared back at her in disbelief, shock, stunned for a moment. "I... I don't under-"
"You had me listen to all of your songs, Dan, both Earth and Equestrian. I didn't hear any similarity in them to anything I've ever written... and quite frankly, I didn't really care for them. No offense, dude," she said, walking past them.
"But... but I..." Dan stammered. "I don't understand..."
"I'll catch up with you guys later," Vinyl said over her shoulder. She walked back to the entrance and exited, returning to the demonstration of the bass cannon.
Chrysalis put a hoof on Dan's shoulder. "It's all right, Dan. I'm sure Earth has a lot of interesting music."
Dan shook it off. "Eh, it's all right... it's, it's fine. She's entitled to like what she likes, no big deal."
Twilight smiled. She was happy to see Dan take disappointment so well but she decided she'd have to talk to him later about it, help him accept things. It might've just been because Dan and Vinyl knew each other from before but it was still progress she was happy to see. Sometimes friends disagree; it was good to see Dan knew this lesson already.
"I still find it hard to believe she thinks music from Earth and Equestria sound different," Dan said, quirking the corner of his mouth.
Chrysalis turned her head to offer suggestion. "Maybe she only likes a certain kind of music?"
"Everypony has different likes and dislikes," Twilight agreed. "Like Vinyl and Octavia. But they get along fine despite their disagreements. Like in that interview."
"You're right," Dan nodded. "Let's go see Octavia. She can probably tell that both the songs sound the same," he said, turning to the back of the store.
"Good idea," Twilight said. "And while we're here, we can-"
BRZZZOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWMMMMMM!!!!!
A loud pulse of pure base cut through the store, sound and magical energy combined into a blast of wub so powerful it knocked Dan and the others to the ground. The Bass Beam, the visual part of wubasonic energy narrowly missed the trio and shot over head, leaving the three on the floor. Instead of being deafened by the blast, Dan and the others only heard the beats of the song ringing in their ears just loud enough to be motivated to start headbanging if they hadn't been thrown off their legs by it. The store itself was fine, Vinyl having calibrated the bass cannon so it wouldn't effect the building. The biped and two ponies however were a bit shaken.
Around them, the store seemed to be quaking but in reality, that was their own bodies being vibrated and energized. This was the sheer power of Equestrian auditory engineering, the magic inherent in all pony music. But the bass cannon was also a weapon, a device designed to harness the strength of wubs and channel them into an energy wave with enough magnitude to disrupt any magical defense. Vinyl Scratch originally designed it to be part of a fireworks display but after a few villains made reappearances in Ponyville, she discovered it worked equally well on would-be invaders.
Dan slowly stood, grabbing an item rack to help him balance. "What... was that?"
Chrysalis landed on Twilight, the two scrambled to get themselves untangled.
"Pthbbt!" Twilight spat Chrysalis' hair out of her mouth. "*cough* Wh-why is there Cheeto-dust in your mane?"
"That reminds me," the changling queen stood. "We're out of Cheetos."
"*cough* What was that noise?" Twilight asked.
"Woops! Sorry, guys!"
Dan and the others turned to see Vinyl Scratch standing in front of the entrance to the store with her bass cannon pointed directly at them, or rather pointing to a spot just above them.
"We're okay Vinyl... I think," Twilight said back.
"It's DJ PON-3 now!" Vinyl yelled. "When I drop the bass, DJ mode activates!!"
"That's... great," Chrysalis remarked. Both she and Twilight rose to their hooves, their manes frazzled. "You okay, Dan?"
Dan's back was turned to them. "My... phone..." he muttered, voice quivering.
"Dan?" Chrysalis asked.
Slowly, the young man turned to him. In both of his hands was his phone, a jagged crack down the screen with the last image burnt out on its surface. Dan pressed his thumb to the face repeatedly, trying to get a response but the screen remained unchanged.
Twilight looked at the ruined device. "Oh my goodness, Dan, I'm so sor-"
"My... phone..." Dan said again. Slowly, the dark-haired man's hand balled into a fist around the remains of his cellular phone. His eyes began to narrow, jaw clenching as an inferno of rage built in him. Dan's face became a furious snarl, a volatile anger seething through him like boiling lava.
Chrysalis rose a hoof out to him, her expression one of deep concern. Twilight wore the same expression. "Dan, are you-"
Dan threw his hands to the ceiling of the music shop and yelled at the top of his lungs,
"DJ-PON 3!!!!!!"
For a moment, Dan's voice challenged the capacity of the bass cannon.
"Vinyl, you need to run!" Twilight called to the DJ.
The white unicorn took off her shades. "What?"
"RUN!!"
"AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Dan shouted a blood-curdling scream and dashed for the entrance of the store, running past Chrysalis and Twilight and knocking over two ponies presumably from Trottingham. He burst out the front doors like a beast ripping through its cage.
Vinyl backed away from the bass cannon. "Dan, I'm so sorry, I was just-"
"Sorry?!You're sorry?!" Dan's voice dripped with venom. He stomped up to the bass cannon. "You should've never brought this THING to this side of town!!"
"Dan, what are you-"
In a single motion, the young man flipped the bass cannon over so it pointed at Vinyl Scratch.
BRZZZZOOOOWWWWWWWMMM!!! Without warning, the cannon fired, knocking Dan back and blasting Vinyl and a couple other ponies nearby. Vibrating a bit, the machine quickly shut off after unleashing the blast.
"This thing is too dangerous!" Dan said, rising to his feet. "How you ever expected to...?" he trailed off when he saw over the bass cannon.
The other ponies had been knocked to the ground by the blast, just as Dan had but Vinyl stood in the center on all four hooves, unscathed. Her blue mane was blasted back and her bangs hung over he eyes. Panting, she looked back at Dan, two red orbs staring at him as she smiled.
"Do... that... again..." Vinyl said between pants.
Dan raised an eyebrow and a sinister smile spread across his face. "Oh, I'll do it again. Just let me make a little quick adjustment." He cranked dat sh*flutteryay* up to eleven and then pulled the memory card out of his phone. Hooking up the card to the bass cannon, he quickly brought up the salvaged track menu from his phone's memory.
"Let's see what the bass cannon can do with the oldies," Dan said. He selected the song Vinyl listened to early and loaded it into the bass cannon's system.
"Don't you mean hear?" Chrysalis asked.
"No." Dan pressed play. BLRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!! A bronze beam arced into the upper atmosphere turning the sky into a shade of burnt orange.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Vinyl screamed in agony as the beat from a relic of yesterday's top forty rang in her ears, overpowering her. Her knees buckled and she covered her ears with her hooves as the music of a previous generation washed over her, blasting louder than her own voice.
Dan grinned. "Sounds like an upgrade to me! I think I like the new and improved RETRO bass cannon!"
"AAAAAAUUUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Vinyl continued to hold her ears and scream, not even hearing Dan's chide comment. The lenses on her glasses shattered revealing her eyes wide open behind them, her expression one of unimaginable pain. The bass cannon finally shut off, the beam dissipating into the upper atmosphere. Vinyl was left shaking from the blast; her own voice died as the sound did.
"Critical hit!" Chrysalis shouted. "It's super effective!" Towards the top of the screen, Vinyl's HP bar drained to zero.
Completely overwhelmed by the retro ray, Vinyl's legs gave out from under her. The DJ collapsed, face-planting into the grass, unconscious.
"Vinyl Scratch fainted!"
"All right," Dan grinned and pulled a Great Ball out of his pocket, he shouted, "Time to end this!" Cocking his right arm back, he prepared to chuck the ball and capture the defenseless pony in front of him. "Go, Great Ba-"
"No Dan, stop!"
Just as he was about to throw the ball, his hand clutching glowed and he stopped mid-toss. Looking over his shoulder, he saw Chrysalis approach him with her horn glowing.
"Dan, you can't use a Poke Ball when they've fainted."
"What? Why not?! That doesn't make any sense!"
"I know," the changling said, releasing his hand. "But that's just the way the game works. Besides, if you could just make them faint and then catch them, it would be too easy."
Dan put the ball back in his pocket. "Good point..." he muttered.
"VINYL!!!!!" a voice from behind them screeched. The two of them turned around in time to see a gray blur burst from the entrance of the store and fly past them. Whipping their heads back around, they saw Octavia kneeling down over the immobile form of DJ PON-3.
"Vinyl, what happened to you?!" Octavia asked. "Speak to me!"
"Tavi..." the unicorn gasped weakly. "The music... so tacky... couldn't take it. I need... wubs..."
The gray mare turned slowly back towards the store entrance, a menacing glare on her face.
"Dan, you need to run," Twilight said.
Leaning a shoulder on the retrofied bass cannon, Dan clearly didn't understand the danger he was in. "What? What for?"
"RUN!!"
Octavia stared at Dan, Chrysalis and Twilight, clearly furious. "Who is responsible for this?" she demanded, her voice laced with an angry acid.
The purple alicorn took that opportunity to step away from Dan and the bass cannon. Dan looked to his left to see a lit-up sign pointing directly at him.
"Hey! Where did this sign come from? Chrys? Did you transform into that?"
A pony across the street waved at him. "No, I transformed into an innocent bystander; that sign's been there the whole time."
Dan rubbed his chin. "I see..."
Octavia was less amused. "Nopony hurts my Vinyl and gets away with it."
"Now, hold on a second," Dan put his hands out. "She's blasted me twice with her giant noise maker already! All I wanted to do is maybe listen to some music and get outta here."
The gray musician grinned. "Oh, you would like to listen to some music? Well, I have something for you to listen to..." From behind her seemingly out of nowhere, she pulled out a cello.
"Is that a cello?"
"Why, yes it is, Dan," the cellist closed her eyes as she spoke. "You see, Vinyl and I both have our instruments. But I don't need a cannon to put on a... explosive demonstration."
Chrysalis appeared right next to Dan again. "You might want to put on these earplugs."
"Why?"
"Because this is gonna BLOW YOUR MIND!"
Octavia pulled out her string and drew it once along her cello, producing a single, long note. It was pretty, symphonic but just a single note. It was over quickly and the only thing that followed was silence.
Dan looked around, confused. "Is... is that it? You wanted me to hear one note?"
The gray mare still had her eyes closed. Smiling, she whispered, "Wait for it..."
The sign next to Dan collapsed in the dirt. Chrysalis disappeared again. Confused, Dan hid behind the bass cannon, not knowing what was going to happen next. Octavia, however, didn't even need to open her eyes to know what would happen. The earth underneath Dan began shaking but mysteriously, only under Dan.
"W-h-a-t-'s g-o-I-n-g onnnnn?!" Dan asked, vibrating rapidly. Suddenly, a pillar of earth shot up right underneath Dan's feet. The pillar carried him up into the air as it rose. Twilight and Chrysalis stood as far away from the scene as the could, watching a sharp mound of earth rise like a tree in front of the music store.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Dan screamed as he tumbled down the mare-made mountain.
"Did I ever tell you about my first performance, Dan?" Octavia asked calmly, putting on a pair of sunglasses. "It was called... earth-shattering."
"YEEAAAAHH!!" Vinyl yelled.
Shaking slightly and covered in dirt, Dan rose to his feet. "So, that's how you wanna... play your little instruments, huh?" Not even bothering to brush himself off, he approached the bass cannon and turned it to the two musical mares.
"Oh, snap!" Chrysalis said. "It's gonna be a showdown, y'all!"
Vinyl finally stood up. "Ha, you think you can take on Tavi with the bass cannon? Tavi's a classically-trained music appreciator; there's no sound she can't listen to," she said, patting a hoof on her friend's back.
Dan narrowed his eyes. "Oh, I don't just have music downloaded on my phone. Back on Earth, I also listened to political radio, podcasts and even... advertisements!!" The young man keyed a new sequence on the controls of the hijacked cannon.
"Dan, wait!" Vinyl reached a hoof out to him. "The bass cannon wasn't made to handle radio advertisements! There's no telling what could happen!"
"Oh really?!" Dan ask/shouted back. "Then admit that I have good taste in music! Admit that Earth music is just as... musical as Equestrian music!"
Vinyl's lip trembled. "I... I... I can't!"
"Then you leave me no choice!" Dan smashed the red FIRE button. The bass cannon unleashed no beam, no surge of energy, no massive influx of sound and magic capable of repelling even the most heinous of threats. It didn't even move.
"What?"
"Ha ha!" Vinyl taunted. "Looks like the sound file won't play!"
"No... no!" Dan yelled. He punched in different commands on the console but they yielded no results. "Cheap piece of-"
Suddenly, the cannon started shaking. The vibrations continued as the housing and frame, its intricate workings seemed like they were almost coming apart. An ear-piercing whine came from its innards.
"...And tonight on an all-new CSI: Boise-" "Wacky wailing inflatable arms flailing tube man!" "-which is why Kinect should NEVER have even been-" "-governor attempted to justify his selling the state's water supply overseas by offering constituents harmonicas-" "-utter failure at everything you attempt to do, the very ground you walk upon is-" "*applause*" "-just one contains enough nutrition to justify playing video games forty hours a week-" "TRUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"" "-with the countdown. I'm Casey Kasem." "-occluded front to the NE, temperatures expected to drop by at least twenty-percent-" "And I don't know how many times I have to tell you; I AM a Gator fan and I'm callin'-" "Stoned to death. *laughter*"
The bass cannon continued to spew out incoherent audio clips, a string of voices and recordings that ranged from babbling gibberish to angry rants and tantrums. A verbal onslaught that made the very ground underneath the bass cannon crack from stress.
Both Octavia and Vinyl had their heads held in their hooves. "MAKE IT STOP!! PLEASE!!!"
Dan threw his head back and laughed, being used to absorbing useless information before. "HAHAHAHA! Admit it! You guys can't take a little-"
The bass cannon's whining whine grew louder, ignorant expression and useless drivel pouring out of it like a torrential downpour.
"Dan!" Twilight shouted. "Turn it off!"
"Uh..." Dan stammered. "Maybe you're-"
"NOW!"
Dan's triumphant smile quickly turned to concern. He scrambled to the bass cannon's controls and tried to shut it off. The buttons, nobs and dials were completely unresponsive. This was one mistake he would be hearing the end of one way or the other. The red FIRE button ejected from its socket, steam spouting from the hole.
"DAAAN!" Twilight screamed.
"LOOK OUT!" Vinyl shouted. "SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!" Ponies began fleeing the scene in terror.
"Hey, Vinyl?" Dan asked. "Is it too late to get those ear-"
The bass cannon exploded. A mushroom-shaped wub cloud appeared over Ponyville. Somewhere in Appleloosa, Braeburn asked, "Y'all hear that?"
Silence fell over Ponyville. In the aftermath of the atomic wubsplosion, no sound dared penetrate the noiseless atmosphere that befell the small town. It was so quiet for those few minutes there was no way of telling if even time continued to turn. Everything seemed to have stopped when the deafening blast exploded from the bass cannon. While nopony had been hurt from the blast, the entire town was disoriented.
Dan's ears rang as he leaned forward to a seated position on the ground. Pieces of the bass cannon were all around him but the device itself was largely intact. Other ponies, Vinyl and Octavia both got to their hooves as well. He saw their mouths moving but couldn't hear anything; the noise in his ears deafened him and even blurred his vision a tad. Shaking his head, he tried to get back in focus.
Twilight walked over to him as his senses began to return. "-ight, Dan? Dan?"
"Uaagh... for a second, I think, I tasted the bass," Dan said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"I think ponies in Canterlot probably heard that..." Twilight commented. "At least the town's okay."
Dan looked around. Despite the massive wubsplosion, the town was still intact. No broken windows or structures, the devastation was but an echo that had faded into the distance.
"Of course the town's okay," Vinyl stated. "Like I said, I calibrated the bass cannon so it wouldn't affect the buildings in Ponyville."
Twilight sighed. "Well, that's a relief..."
"Yeah," Dan agreed. "But what about our house?"
Twilight opened her mouth to say something when the realization hit her. The purple princess's face went blank. Turning to the DJ, she saw Vinyl smiling back apologetically.
None of them could see it, but just down the block from where they sat was the remains of Twilight's library. Completely devoid of green, the tree house had been reduced to a pile of splintered wood, shaken apart by the intense volume of... volume. Leaves and Twilight's furniture were scattered about the landscape. Spike and Fluffle Puff were just barely able to escape unscathed.
Fortunately, Fluffle Puff's body and ears happen to be immune to sound being covered in fluff. The moment the onslaught of wubs began, the fluffy pony snatched up the baby dragon and initiated Evacuation Plan 14. Dan's drills actually paid off; Fluffle Puff quickly located the emergency grappling hook and jet pack, utilizing both to swing out of the second floor window and quickly ascend to a safe altitude of roughly fourteen-thousand feet. Fluffle Puff's execution of the plan was flawless and when the library came down, both she and a screaming Spike were far above Ponyville. Dan would have been proud to see Evacuation Plan 14's success.
"MY BASS CANNON!!" Vinyl Scratch shouted, running over to her wrecked machine. "It's okay, baby. Mommy's got you... there, there, it's gonna be all right," she wept, cradling the pieces of the former glorious noisemaker.
"Don't think this changes anything!" Dan shouted, pointing at the distraught mare. "That thing tore apart our house, my phone and our house again!"
"What about my bass cannon? You destroyed my baby all because you have bad taste!"
"BAD TASTE?!" Dan's face turned red. "I'M NOT THE ONE BLASTING HALF THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITH SOME POOR EXCUSE FOR A RINGTONE AT EIGHT IN THE MORNING!!"
"Poor excuse for a..." Octavia muttered, processing Dan's words.
"What did you just call my music?" Vinyl asked, glaring at Dan.
"All your bass cannon, any of YOUR music has ever sounded like to me was a bad ringtone! Believe me, where I come from, you hear a LOT of those. And all the wubs sound like is the SAME phone on vibrate multiplied about a hundred times!!"
"Well, at least my music is something ponies can dance to!" The DJ countered.
"Please, music from Earth would blow these ponies' MINDS if they ever heard it!"
Unblinking rage-filled eyes locked, the two were practically at each others' throats. Even Octavia backed away from the conversation.
"Hold up!" Chrysalis shouted, popping up between the white biped and slightly whiter quadruped. "Let's get this straight; you think you've got better taste in music?" she asked Vinyl.
"Naturally," the musical mare replied with a smile.
"And Dan, you think you've got the better taste in music?"
"Natru-lee" he said, mocking the DJ's tone.
"Then there's only one way to settle this," Chrysalis declared, getting up on her back hooves. "IT'S A DJ SPINOFF EVERYPONY!!"
Ponies in the street reacted immediately to the news. Excitement stirred in those that had taken refuge in the buildings during the first 'match'. The noise and violence had driven them inside but with Chrysalis' announcement came new enthusiasm. The few meandering about quickly became a crowd, murmuring of the news of a competition between DJs.
"A DJ spinoff?" Twilight asked. "I've never heard of this before."
Octavia stepped forward to explain. "A DJ spinoff is battle of the bands without the bands. Two DJs, two turntables and enough music to last all night. The song that gets the most ponies dancing is the winner, DJ with the most winning songs at dawn wins the spinoff."
"D-dawn?!" Twilight asked, shocked. She knew what was going to happen next; she was going to spend the whole night being forced to listen to loud music.
"Hold on a sec," Vinyl interrupted. "How's Dan gonna compete? Not that he stands a chance anyway but he's not even a DJ."
"What's to know?" Dan asked. "It's not like it's age magic. Anyone can be a DJ."
"Excuse me?!" Vinyl was taken aback. "I had to study for eight years to get my Ph.D in Wubology. I researched under MC Claw Hammer at Funk University in Manehattan and believe me, that's a tough school to get into."
"Actually," Octavia shyly spoke up. "You can do it online now."
Vinyl turned to her friend and tipped her shades down. "Come again?"
The gray mare rubbed the back of her neck with her hoof. "You can get a degree in Wubology and get your license as a DJ in about ten minutes online. Students can get a temporary license to use to gain experience while earning credits."
That remark left the DJ dumbfounded. "How did you find out about this? When did this happen, Tavi?!"
"There's actually an advertisement for it in our store. I put it up myself, thought it might help out business."
Dan smiled. "Excuse me guys, I think there's something I need to sign up for. Online."
It only took Dan five minutes to get a DJ learner's permit, much to Vinyl's dismay. The group waited for night to start the competition allowing Twilight and Chrysalis to return home to see the disaster.
"Twilight!" Spike shouted, standing outside the pile of rubble that was their house. "I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened, everything just went... smoosh."
"It's okay, Spike," Twilight said sadly, looking at the remains of her home. "The core of the tree is still intact. We can prop it back up, fix it in no time."
"Yeah," Chrysalis agreed. "We'll get Dan and Fluffle Puff and have the library back to normal before you know it."
The purple alicorn smiled with sorrowful eyes. "Of course. That's... what we do," she said, sounded exhausted.
The changling queen could see a bit deeper than the surface. "What's wrong, Twilight? It's not the tree, is it?"
"No... no, it's not," Twilight admitted. "It's everything that's happened with Vinyl, Trixie and... Dan. All my lessons about friendship, no one else is learning them. I wish there was just a way we could make Dan and Vinyl listen..."
The queen put a perforated hoof under Twilight's chin to lift her head. "Maybe we can."
Back at Wubway, the store had been converted into a dance hall. The two DJs took up positions at opposite ends of the building, two turntables ready for the showdown that was to come. Dan had some knowledge of audio equipment already, experience from having sabotaged a band's concert during an Arbor Day festival back on Earth. He felt he had done the world a favor, though.
Not being a part of the competition, Octavia approached Dan on the room's west side, just to the left of the entrance. There was already a crowd of ponies inside the building eagerly awaiting the festivities to come. It wasn't often two DJs fought it out; in fact, the last time was when Vinyl "battled" with Neon Lights.
"So... you're really going through with this?"
"That depends," Dan said, crouched down as he hooked up some wires. "Does Vinyl admit she's wrong about my music?"
"No..." Octavia answered.
Dan looked glanced back over his shoulder. "Then we're going through with this."
"Not even I agree with Vinyl on everything, Dan. She and I have different taste in music, too. I like classical pieces while she likes... dubstep. And punk. And metal," the gray mare cringed in slight disgust. "But we still live together and get along."
"Yeah, but did she insult your taste in music in front of you? In front of your friends?"
"Well, no, she's never done anything like tha-"
"Exactly," Dan said, standing and turning to her. "The only music she has respect for is her own! Well, I'm going to SHOW her how awesome music from Earth is and get the whole town dancing to a different tune!"
"Dan, I don't think she really insulted your music. I just don't think she has your taste in music, is all."
"Well, we'll just see how she likes the taste of defeat." Dan turned back around and returned to tinkering. His own turntable seemed to be a converted phonograph sitting atop a jukebox with two decrepit amplifiers next to it. Vinyl's own equipment was state-of-the-art, what Dan looked to be using appeared to be a fire hazard waiting to happen. Octavia shook her head and walked away from the young man. Whatever was the outcome of the night, she hoped the store would still be standing next morning.
Twilight and Chrysalis arrived back at the Wubway. They decided to take Spike and Fluffle with them in case Dan needed additional moral support or emergency medical attention. The "Grand Opening" banner over the store was replaced with one saying: "TONIGHT ONLY! DAN VS. DJ PON-3". Colored lights blared through the store windows illuminating the outside in rainbow strobes. The two almost had to shield their eyes as they entered.
"Everypony, welcome!!" Octavia's voice boomed through the intercom. In the center of the enormous dance floor that now dominated the store, a spotlight illuminated the gray mare. Two mobs of ponies extended from the walls on and on the east and west side were raised platforms containing Vinyl and Dan behind their respective turntables.
"In honor of Wubway's grand opening, we have a special event for you tonight! The legendary DJ PON-3 herself will engage in a spinoff with Ponyville's newest DJ, Dan!!" The spotlight split into two casting on Vinyl and Dan. The crowd cheered as both competitors bowed at their stations.
Spike nudged Twilight. "Who do you think's gonna be the winner?" As if on cue, the phonograph behind Dan's head shot out a gout of flames, nearly burning off the new DJ's hair. This only caused the crowd to applaud more, however.
Twilight knelt down to whisper in Spike's ear, "If we make it out of this, I'LL be the winner, Spike."
"All right, here's how we shall proceed! Two DJs, the best music that the two can come up with! At the end of the night, the DJ that got the most ponies dancing is the winner! The floor is set up with pressure sensors to calculate how many ponies are dancing at any time so if you like the song, stand up and show it!"
"Hmm," Spike said, scratching his cheek.
"What is it, Spike?"
"What if not everypony's hooves are touching the dance floor? Like what if some pegasi like dancing in midair?"
"I don't know, Spike," Twilight said, thinking about it herself. "Maybe it's something they didn't think about. Why? You think that could affect the contest?"
"Well, that and," Spike pointed to upward. "Fluffle Puff's stuck to the ceiling again."
"What?!" Twilight looked around. Fluffle Puff had somehow disappeared from right next to them and reappeared attached to the overhanging speaker system above the center of the dance floor. "How does she keep doing that?!" Twilight asked in exasperation. The purple dragon shrugged. Carefully and quietly, Twilight flew up to the ceiling to retrieve her friend.
"Without further ado, this is a DJ spinoff and we're all in it! Dan Vs. PON-3, DJs, spin it!!" Octavia shouted.
Vinyl's amps started blasting, vibrating the dance floor with the power of pony music. Ponies started dancing, storming the middle of the dance floor as the building was flooded with bass. Twilight returned the pink puff ball to the ground, wondering to herself if taping her hooves to the floor would be considered influencing the contest.
"So, what do we do now?" Chrysalis asked.
Spike donned a pair of shades. "Well, I don't know about you ladies but this dragon's gonna go get his groove on," he said, boogieing into the dance mob.
Twilight looked over to Fluffle and Chrysalis. "What about you guys?"
"I'm going to grab some punch. This looks to be a LONG night," Chrysalis said, walking off.
"Get some for me!" Twilight called after her over the music. "Make it a double!"
Before long, several songs had been played. Scoreboards in front of the turntables kept track of how many ponies were dancing. The scores were actually pretty even in the beginning with few ponies taking a seat from the action. Twilight and Chrysalis sat at a table off to the side, sipping punch as they both waited for the night to be over. Spike was busy having the time of his life crowd-surfing. While his clawed feet weren't on the floor, it probably didn't matter considering the score only kept track of ponies.
Fluffle Puff had apparently been set to 'vibrate'; the pink pony shook around the dance floor, gleefully letting the wubs carry her spinning around the room. Twilight lazily used her magic to grab the pony and put her back closer to the table whenever she came close to bumping in to any pony. Chrysalis was holding a pleasant conversation although Twilight wasn't really paying that close of attention.
"So, I was thinking of changing my image a little bit now that I'm starting to hang out with you and all," the changling queen said. "Maybe working on improving my reputation around town a bit, get a fresh start and start calling myself "Queen Chryssy". What do you think?"
Twilight sighed, sipping her punch. "Why are you still keeping the 'queen' title?" she asked, head propped up with her hooves.
"Well, I am still a changling queen. But I thought if I started going by something else, ponies might start taking a liking to me. Imagine it," she spread her hooves apart in the air. "Queen Chryssy. Kinda catchy, huh?"
"Sure," Twilight agreed sarcastically. "And maybe I can go by 'Princess Twily' like my brother calls me." Confound these musicians, Twilight thought to herself. They drive me to drink.
Fluffle Puff moved up to the table next to Twilight. The purple mare shot the hairy ball a glance, her bored expression impenetrable. Fluffle smiled and then blew a bubble gum bubble; the bubble expanded to twice the size either mare's head before exploding and getting all over her. Quickly, the puff ball gobbled the gum off of her face and resumed pleasantly chewing.
Twilight sighed heavily. "Fluffle Puff's been eating the gum under the table again."
Chrysalis ducked her head to look under the table and then quickly popped back up. "I don't think so. Fluffle Puff only eats watermelon-flavored gum. She must've gotten it from under the bench."
"Why? How do you know the bench has watermelon-flavored gum stuck to the bottom of it?"
"Well, because half of the bench has been eaten," Chrysalis said, looking over her shoulder. Twilight picked her head up to see across the room. A small bench for ponies to sit was propped up against the wall but half of it was gone, enormous bite marks where a portion of it used to be.
Twilight looked over to Fluffle Puff. "Did you eat the bench?"
The pink mare responded by blowing another huge bubble. Instead of exploding, this one broke off from the mare's mouth. Fluffle grabbed the end and tied a string around it, making a balloon and then tying it to Twilight's hoof. Twilight peered inside the translucent sphere that somehow stayed aloft to see pieces of a bench inside. The purple mare facetabled.
Fluffle grabbed Twilight's hoof and pulled it downward.
"I think Fluffle's thirsty now," Chrysalis said.
Without lifting her head, Twilight pushed a juice box over to Fluffle Puff.
Chrys reached out a hoof. "No! Fluffle Puff can't use straws because of her drinking problem!"
Twilight lifted her head up. "Drinking problem?"
Fluff grabbed the juice box by the straw and just like that, it happened. The juice immediately traveled up the straw and into her fur. The small amount of liquid was instantly absorbed by the puff ball mare, bloating her. She lost her balance and rolled, sloshing on the ground like a sponge.
Chrysalis got up and walked over to her. Grabbing Fluffle, she squeezed the puff ball over a cup, letting the punch drain out of her. After she was completely drained, Fluffle drank the juice out of the cup. Twilight stifled the urge to throw up.
"Hey guys," Spike said, walking over. "I think we might have a problem."
"What now?" Twilight asked, voice heavy with apathy. "Is the building coming down?"
"No, worse," Spike thumbed over his shoulder. "Dan's falling behind in the scores."
Twilight and the others looked up to the scoreboard. As Spike had said, Dan's score was trailing behind DJ PON-3's by quite a few points. While the quality and variation of the songs played did have something to do with the difference, so did experience. Vinyl was a professional DJ capable of reading the crowd and playing songs based on the projected mood of the evening. While Dan had a rudimentary understanding of this concept after taking the online class, DJ PON-3 was applying it to the next level. The DJ unicorn had the entire night planned from the beginning while Dan was just playing song after song. The results of Vinyl's strategizing were plain to see.
"How is that a problem?" Twilight asked. Despite that Dan was her friend and living with her, she didn't see how the contest would affect her.
"Well, for one, if Dan loses, he'll probably keep studying to be a DJ," Spike predicted.
Twilight looked over to Dan at his turntable. While trying to spin the record on the phonograph, he tripped and fell. "It does look like he could use the lessons."
"Yeah," Spike continued. "And he'll keep taking those online courses."
"Good for him," Twilight remarked, taking a sip of punch, not noticing it was Fluffle Puff's cup.
"Which means he'll probably be studying at home. At our house."
Twilight's eyes went wide. She spat the juice out of her mouth, spraying the space in between Spike and Chrysalis. A pony nearby slid in the spilled juice, nearly falling over. Fluffle Puff quickly ran over to soak up aforementioned liquid.
"Quick! We have to do something to make sure Dan wins!" Twilight shouted, panicking. "Otherwise... we may never hear the end of it! Or anything else ever again!!"
"I have an idea!" Chrysalis shouted. She ran over to Dan's turntable; he was still getting up from when he slipped and fell.
"Chrys? What is it? You want to make a request?"
"Umm," Chrys thought. "Yes. You think you can play a soothing song? Maybe something... classical?"
"Classical? What, like Enya?" Dan asked.
"Uh no, that is, I mean... something slower... you know," Chrys said, trying to lead him. "Something ponies can dance to a little bit... closer together."
"So, like Enya?"
Back at the table, Twilight continued to panic. "It's not working!" She eyed the scores. Vinyl's lead was almost commanding and she didn't look to be slowing down.
"I have an idea!" Spike said.
"What, Spike?!"
"Look! Fluffle Puff is on the ceiling again!" he pointed.
"AGAIN?!" Twilight spread her wings to ascend and retrieve her when Spike pulled her leg.
"Wait! We can use this!"
Twilight turned to him. "Use what? What are you talking about?!"
The purple dragon held up a flashlight. "Oh..."
Meanwhile at Dan's turntable, Chrysalis had not made progress. "Do you need me to spell it out for you?!"
Dan shrugged. "I know how to spell 'Enya'!" Chrysalis facehooved. Suddenly, the strobe effects died. The colored spot lamps, everything turned off. Even the music died.
"What? What's going on?" Vinyl asked, checking her equipment. On the ceiling, a bright light began to glow. As if a disco ball suddenly affixed itself to the roof, a swirl of twinkling lights spread out across the room illuminating everything in a soft, pink glow.
"This is it, Dan!" Chrys shouted. "Play a slow song now!"
"Right!" he said, cycling the tracks on his phone's memory card. "I think I have at least two songs by Enya..."
"GRRRRRRRRRR!!!" Chrysalis growled. Using her magic, she levitated the phone card out of his hands and over to her. Ponies in the audience murmured wondering where the music was. Chrysalis cycled through the songs on Dan's phone card as fast as she could, searching for something to fit the mood. Finally, she found one and hit play.
"There!"
Slowly, the music pumped through the amplifiers. No bass, no beats, no funk or rock, no hip-hop, rap, dubstep, wubstep or anything in between, nothing came out of the speakers but the smooth sound of the saxophone. It just so happened, Dan's phone happened to contain an extended cover/remix of the romantic track from the game Star Fox Adventures, including quite possibly the smoothest jazz instrumental ever based off a song from a Gamecube game.
All across the dance floor, ponies began to give in to the epic mellowness of the sax, melting into couples that danced together. Even those who were sitting down and resting rose to take part in the romantic respite from party music. Dan's score skyrocketed.
Holding Fluffle Puff in place and spinning her, Twilight saw Dan's score. "It's working! It's actually working!" Using Fluffle Puff as a disco ball to encourage an overly sappy mood and having Dan play a matching song was working to their advantage. Vinyl's music was geared to hoof-pumping parties, jamming out, not prom-style partner dancing. Powerless, DJ PON-3 found herself outside of her element. In some odd way, it was like watching one of Octavia's concerts. All she could do was sit back and listen.
Unfortunately, not all were comfortable with this. Fluffle Puff's nose started to itch. Quivering, she scrunched her face as she tried to alleviate the irritation. To no avail; the mare closed her eyes tight and sneezed, accidentally coughing up the flashlight illuminating her. The spat-out light flew towards Dan's turntable, landing inside the phonograph's projector. The device shook and then ceased to function.
Being an expert engineer, Dan immediately tried to effect repairs on the music box the only way he knew how: hitting it. Smacking the side caused the phonograph to shake. It then blasted out the flashlight; the light flew across the dance floor, now on fire somehow, and collided with Vinyl's amplifier. The flashlight burned a hole in the speaker and destroyed it, causing it to fall over. Vinyl was able to escape the destruction of her audio equipment as Spike ran over with a fire extinguisher.
The store lights flipped on over head, illuminating the destruction. The dancing ponies erupted into indignant outcry, transitioning from dance mob to confused mob in an instant. If something was not done quickly, they would complete the mutation into angry mob and then the pitchforks and torches would come. Twilight had seen this before. She didn't know what to do, hanging above the pack of partiers holding her puffy friend. Fluffle recoiled into her own fluff becoming an impenetrable ball of pony. In this state, she was invincible but unfortunately, that didn't include Twilight. Sweating nervously and trying to hold on, Twilight dangled like a piece of meet over a school of raving sharks.
"Not good... not good," Chrysalis said, looking around. Dan's score was still behind Vinyl's. If the party was over...
The silence was quickly replaced by the voices of the partiers complaining.
"What? Is that it?"
"AWW! I wanted to get my request in..."
"The party's over already? I thought it was supposed to go all night..."
"We didn't even get to the GOOD music!"
"Does anypony know when the raffle starts?"
"Michael, there's not going to be a raffle."
"Then why did that guy out front sell me all these tickets?"
"Can I get a list of those tracks for a Rock Band mod?"
"This is the worst night ever! I should've stayed home!"
"I have large beet-lover's pizza with extra hay bacon for the... 'Cutie Mark Crusaders'? Is this a joke?"
The noise quickly became a roar that filled the building. Ponies stood, meandered and searched for the source of the lack of tunes. Most only noticed the alicorn holding a poofy sphere on the ceiling.
"Dan!" Chrys shouted. "We have to do something! If there's no music, they don't dance. If they don't dance, they don't kiss and fall in love and I'm history."
"I don't know what to do!" Dan shouted back. "The whole system's fried! Wash, soap, rinse, spin, it's all unresponsive!"
Chrys walked right up to the young man on the platform. He stood up to look at her and for a moment, it was just them behind the turntable and ruined audio equipment. But she knew what she had to do. "Does the speaker system still work?"
"Yeah but I don't think we have anything that can-"
"Do you have a mic?" she asked.
Dan scratched his neck. "I..."
"Yo, Chrysalis!" somepony from the audience shouted. The two looked up to see who it was but Chrys was forced to catch a microphone that somepony threw at her.
"Dan, can you hook this up?" she asked. The young man smiled back at her, knowing what she was about to do for him. "Good, now all we need is for the-"
The lights turned off again but the strobes didn't pick up. No disco ball, no effects lights, not even a single glow wand illuminated the darkness. A spotlight appeared on the dance floor and slowly panned over across the crowd to shine on Queen Chrysalis. She levitated the mic up to her with a spell, ready.
"What song should I pick?" Dan asked, about to suggest a song for her.
The queen smiled. "I think I know one."
From the moment you step inside(step inside, step inside) It feels like you wanna hide(wanna hide, wanna hide) But in every single space, every corner of the room There's no escaping the melody of that haunting tune You can't get it out of your head It fills you with fear and dread But there's something you can do instead Just remember what I said... Sometimes, they're not playing your song But you can still sing along (sing along, sing along) You can still sing along (sing along, sing along)
What other people listen to might seem like noise but if you listen for yourself, you can discover the joys Of all the music and that songs that are around So many different tunes and so many sounds It might not seem like it but it's true You can try out something new And find out that you like it, too But if not, here's what you can do... Sometimes, you don't like the song But you can still sing along
It's so easy to get stuck inside the norms... But music comes in so many different styles and forms! Some songs might not make you want to get up and dance... Sometimes though, they just need a second chance! We all have different likes and different preferences... A lot of times, we get so wound up, we can't hear the differences! But if you take the time to stop and listen... You just might find there's something that you're missin'!
While it might be true that our world is small, Don't think for a second you've experienced it all And while you don't have to give everything a second try You might find out what you missed when you passed it by All the things you've prejudged, passed on, ignored Are just samples of things to be explored You might think you already know Where something is gonna go But if you listen, it can show There's more to it now... and so...
To you, the music might sound wrong But you can still sing along(sing along, sing along) You don't have to dance all night long But you can still sing along(sing along, sing along) You can still sing alonggggg... You can still sing along!
Eyes closed, Chrys lowered her mic. No music followed; another song didn't pick up when hers ended but it didn't have to. The whole room was filled with applause. Ponies cheered, stomped their hooves and hollered. If Fluffle Puff, who had been coaxed out of her shell-puff during the song was clapping her hooves. So much so she caused Twilight to drop her and fall into the crowd below but thankfully the partiers caught her and began using her as a beach ball. The poof-ball enjoyed herself.
Twilight looked at Dan's scoreboard, about the only piece of equipment working aside from the speakers. Although it wasn't a song Dan chose, Chrysalis had sung it using Dan's sound system making all the points resulting from it his. The scores were tied.
"Drat..." Twilight said. "I hope he'll be okay with a tie."
"Um, Twilight?" Spike said underneath her. "You could help Dan's score right now."
Twilight practically facehooved again. "How am I supposed to do that?"
"By landing."
"Oh." Twilight blushed, recovered and quickly landed. Dan's scoreboard ticked one more time, elevating his score above Vinyl's by a single point.
The applause picked up again and the lights resumed.
"Dan, you won!" Chrysalis said, hugging the dark-haired biped.
"I did! I DID IT!!" he shouted, hugging her back. They quickly broke the embrace, realizing they were in front of everypony in town. "Where's Vinyl?"
"Down here!" DJ PON-3 called. Approaching Dan's stand was Vinyl Scratch minus her shades. She put them on her brow brandishing her red eyes as she clapped for the two. "Good job, Dan!"
Dan just stared back at the DJ. For a moment, Chrysalis thought he was preparing to say something scathing, but he just smiled back. "Thanks, Vinyl. You, too."
"Fillies and gentlecolts, we have a winner!" a voice spoke over the loudspeaker system. Everypony looked to the center of the room to see Octavia holding another microphone. "The first-ever official Wubway DJ Spinoff is over! The winner is: DJ Dan!!"
Dismounting the platform, Dan walked over to her through the crowd. Clapping and back-pats greeted him as he made his way over to Octavia. Vinyl appeared beside the gray mare too as well as Fluffle Puff, Spike and Twilight. Chrysalis followed him, happy to have helped her dear friend win the competition.
"Congratulations, Dan," Vinyl said, extending a hoof. Dan took it and shook; his grin couldn't have been bigger. Even Twilight applauded, tears practically in the princesses' eyes. They were friends again.
Octavia pulled out a thin piece of paper. "On behalf of Wubway Partners LLC, we'd like you to have this twenty-five bit gift certificate redeemable at any official Wubway store!"
Dan accepted the small certificate. "Thanks... but this doesn't really fix my-" A photographer interrupted him. The group turned to face the camera as a flash captured their delighted faces and Dan's perplexed hesitation.
"Thanks for coming everypony! Good night!" Octavia announced. The partiers began to depart in one loud, massive drove, talking amongst themselves as they exited.
"-phone..." Dan quietly finished, looking down.
Vinyl put a hoof on his back. "It's okay, Dan. We can get your phone fixed at Radio Barn. My treat."
"Hey... thanks," Dan said, smiling back at her. The two followed the end of the crowd out the doors.
"So, why did you go with "DJ Dan" as your DJ name?" Vinyl asked.
Dan shrugged. "Seemed to fit at the time."
"You couldn't think of anything more... I dunno, unique?" she asked.
He raised an eyebrow at her. "How many other 'Dan's' do you know in Equestria?"
Vinyl rubbed her chin. "Good point. Hey, you wanna know how I chose DJ PON-3?"
"How?"
She snickered. "All right, you're gonna love this. The number three looks like an 'E' spelled backwards, right?"
"Right..." Dan narrowed his eyes skeptically.
"Well, I put P-O-N in front of it and it's like it spells PON-E! Like pony! So I'm a DJ pony! Get it?" she giggled. "Pretty clever, huh?"
Dan chuckled. "Yeah, pretty clever. For somepony just learning their abc's and how to count to ten."
Vinyl stopped in her tracks, pouting. "Hey! I thought it was clever! So did Octavia!"
Dan turned back as he walked, shrugging and grinning at her. "Well, if you think that's 'clever', I can recommend some online classes you both might find pretty interesting too!" he said, exiting the building.
The DJ pony frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?! Dan! DAN!!" she chased after him.
Twilight, Spike, Chrysalis, Fluffle and Octavia began making their own way towards the exit. The sun was beginning to come up as they walked out the front doors, the beginning of a new day.
"Wow... can't believe we spent the whole night dancing," Spike remarked. Fluffle 'pbthh'd' in agreement.
"I'm just glad it's all over," Twilight said, exhaling.
Chrysalis let out a deep breath as well. "Me, too."
Twilight looked over to her taller changling friend. Something about her had... changed. Not her appearance or something she controlled magically. Something deeper. But what? The purple princess looked into the dark queen's eye, noticing her clearly occupied expression. It reminded her a lot of herself, actually but not entirely. There was something about that look she'd seen before. Could she really be...?
"You really care a lot about Dan, don't you?" Twilight asked.
Chrys nodded solemnly. "I do. He's a good friend. A good..." she paused for a second as if realizing something before saying, "person."
Twilight opened her mouth to inquire more when Spike interjected. "You really saved him when you sang that song, Chrysalis. You think him and Vinyl are okay now?"
"I think they'll be all right," Octavia commented.
"How can you be so sure?" Chrys asked.
Octavia grinned. "Who do you think it was that tossed you that microphone?"
Both Chrys and Twilight almost gasped, then laughed.
"Well, maybe now that the two of them have stopped arguing, things will be a bit quieter around here," Octavia said.
Chrysalis looked up to the sky as if seeing something beyond the clouds and listening for it. "Somehow,... I doubt it."
...
.....hello? Yes, it's me.
...
If she's so smart, than why is this taking so long? I was sure she would've made the connection by now.
...
I know but you'd think she would've at least taking a look at it by now. I mean, she lives in a library.
...
Well, maybe I'm just not as patient as you. I think a little more direct intervention might be necessary.
..?
Actually, I was thinking you.
...
Like I said, when the time comes, I'll let you know. For now, we'll just have to wait and see.
...
I can see why she liked you. Then again, they tell me I have... odd tastes. I guess that makes us two of a kind, huh?
....!...?
I have to get going now. I'll have the pieces of the bass cannon delivered to the usual spot. Keep in mind what I said... Mr. Director.
Outro- Closing Theme Parody of 'Just the two of us'- Bill Withers
You see us walking down the street We're not the type you'd like to meet But if you greet us, we'll still say hello
We may not have been here all that long Once in a while, we're in the wrong But when squee goes down, we're the ones you want to know
Just don't screw with us Don't mess around, don't even try Just don't screw with us (Just don't screw with us)
Jussssst don't screw with us You can't cross us, you won't get by Just don't screw with us That's good advice
We don't always fit in with folks in town But when trouble comes around You'll be glad that we're all here
Some people still don't see the signs They come here, cross a couple lines But we still try to make things clear
Rule Number-One: Just Don't Screw with Us Don't mess around, don't even try Just don't screw with ussss (Just don't screw with us)
Jussssst Don't Screw With Us! Unless your name is Pinkie Pie! Still, don't screw with us. That's no lie.
This is the part with the saxophone, songs sound better with saxophone solos That's why we added this part with the sax-o-phonnnnnneeee This is the instrumental portion, I hope that we made it clear somehow But if it wasn't clear before, I'm sure it's- clear- now!
You see us walking down the street We're not the types you want to meet But when you call on us, we sure to get the job done
We might not be what you expect Celestia knows, we're not perfect But you can still join us for the fun
Just don't screw with us Don't mess around, don't even try~ Just don't screw with us (Just don't screw with us)
Jusssst don't screw with us! Alright, maybe Derpy or Fluttershy, the rest Don't screw with us HEY WHAT DID I JUST SAY, YOU GUYS?!
Just Don't Screw With Us~ Yes, that's what I said, but you're just repeating the chorus and- Jusssssssttt Don't Screwwww With Usssssssss! It's passive-aggressive, baby Why does Spike have the deep voice in this? Jussst, Don't Screw With Ussss~ We can make it, just don't screw with us~ Yeah, that's what the song is about, but I'm serious Just don't screw with us~ Hey, the saxophone is back Just don't screw with us~ We can make it, just don't screw with us Okay... fine. As long as you get the message. We'll see you all next week, okay now? BYE. We'll be back soon. And next time, we do it right!
~Fin~
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship...
"I don't care if it's just going to be a short trip; I still want to go with you."
"I'm just taking the train to Canterlot, Dan. I don't think it'll be that exciting."
Get ready... for the ride of your life!
"Wot the hay are you blokes doin' on mai trayn?"
Guest starring Ozzy Osbarn
"I think the conductor might actually be angrier than you, Dan."
"What makes you say that, Pinkie?"
"Did I say you could get up?! What does the sign say mother bucker?!"
And Samule L. Jackson
"I dunno. Just a hunch."
Next Saturday, Dan's going off the rails!
"We need to hit the brakes!"
"There are no brakes! Only cakes!"
"Why would they replace the brakes with cakes?!"
"That is IT! I have HAD IT with these MOTHER BUCKING CAKES on this MOTHER BUCKING TRAIN!"
Dan Vs. The Crazy Train
It's a non-stop trip to ins-Danity next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"No, seriously, what are you blokes doin' on mai trayn?"
"All right, and... steady..." Dan told Twilight. Pulling the hammer back slightly, he smacked in the nail with three quick strikes. "There we go. And that's the paneling for the study done."
Twilight released her magic grip on the board, allowing it to stay in place on its own. The portion of the wall it now was didn't shake or budge an inch. Putting a hoof on it, she could tell it was solid. "Great job. Now I can bring some of the furniture back in. Thanks, Dan."
"You're welcome," Dan said, brushing the dust off his gloves. Dressed in full construction gear, yellow hardhat and goggles, he unfolded a piece of paper from his orange vest. "I was wanting to get some remodeling done on this place anyway. Evacuation Plans four-through-five are off on the expected time by point oh-oh-seven percent and I believe the construction was to blame. We need to keep up with the drills if we expect to survive a combined robot-zombie-pirate-ninjapocalypse."
Part of Twilight felt like rolling her eyes but she thought better of it. Normally, she wouldn't think too much about Dan's numerous, complicated contingency plans and practiced procedures for dozens of different unlikely situations. But after what had been happening lately, maybe taking a few safety drills into consideration wasn't such a bad idea.
"Hey guys. We just finished the floor on the kitchen." Chrysalis announced as she came through the incomplete door of Twilight's study with Spike riding her. Fluffle Puff followed behind them covered in paint and carrying tools.
"Things are coming together really quickly," Spike commented. "We'll have things fixed in no time." Fluffle Puff happily nodded in agreement, a power tool hanging from her mouth.
"Everything except Spike's shrine to Rarity," Chrysalis said with a sly closed-eyed grin.
"Hey!" Spike folded his arms. "It's not a shrine... it's an altar. Altars go inside shrines. And yeah, it kinda got totaled. But I can worry about that when the rest of the house is back to the way it was."
"Well, not exactly the way it was," Dan said, pulling out a set of blueprints. "I actually wanted to talk to you about some renovations we could make, Twilight."
"Renovations?" Twilight asked, levitating the blue sheet over to her and unfolding it.
"We have the opportunity to add some defensive fortifications to the house to help protect us in the event we're attacked," Dan elaborated.
Twilight raised an eyebrow as she looked over the schematic. Dan's plans for the tree apparently included a ring of anti-tank mines surrounding the perimeter, several surface-to-air missile batteries attached to the tree's limbs and the ion cannon from The Empire Strikes Back mounted on the roof. A crudely-drawn picture of the ion cannon blasting a Star Destroyer occupied the upper-right corner of the blueprint. "And... where do you think we're going to get all this, uh, stuff?"
"Radio Barn," Dan replied. "I still have a coupon to use there and if we use it by the end of the month, the installation's free."
Twilight rolled her eyes and levitated the blueprint to Pinkie Pie standing next to her.
"Oooh! You think we can save a spot for a new party cannon?" Pinkie asked, grabbing the schematic.
"Pinkie?!" Everyone turned to her.
"Where did you come from?" Chrysalis asked, looking around.
"I've been here the whole time!" Pinkie informed them. "You didn't see me come in?"
Fluffle Puff dropped the tool out of her mouth. Eyes narrowed, the puffy pony began growling at Pinkie.
"Fluffle! Down, girl," Chrysalis pulled back on her with a spell.
"Aww, it's okay, Puffy!" Pinkie said, reaching out a hoof for Fluffle. The fluffy mare sniffed the outstretched leg and gave it a lick. "Good girl! She probably didn't recognize me covered in pieces of the fourth wall."
"The what?" Twilight asked.
"Oh, I got some of the insulation from the fourth wall of the ground floor stuck in my mane. It must've made it look like I was somepony else," Pinkie shrugged. "That makes sense, right?"
Chrysalis smiled and put a hoof on her shoulder. "Not at all. So, what brings you by?"
"I was actually just on my way to the train station. I'm heading up to Canterlot to deliver a special cake for Cadence and Shining Armor's anniversary," Pinkie answered.
Twilight did a double-take. "My brother's anniversary?!"
Pinkie nodded. "Yep! They're having a party this weekend at the castle and they requested I bake them the most stupendously-awesome mouth-watering thing I can imagine!" She pulled out a blueprint of her own, only pink. A pinkprint. Twilight reluctantly levitated it over to herself.
"I call it the Yumiliciously Edible Super Scrumptious Strawberry Surprise Spectacular!"
"YESSSSS?" Dan asked, skeptical.
Pinkie nodded even more enthusiastically. "It's got more strawberries per square pound than dough!"
Twilight looked over the magenta document. The diagram for the cake apparently included three kinds of cobbler and ten kinds of pie, all strawberry and was surrounded by a ring of sugar. On top were two small figurines of Shining Armor and Cadence wrapped in a warm embrace. A crudely-drawn picture of the cake blasting a Star Destroyer occupied the upper-right corner of the pinkprint.
"You're going to be coming to the party, right Twilight?" Pinkie asked.
The purple mare hooved the schematic back to her friend. "I didn't even know there was going to be one." To her knowledge, she hadn't received an invitation.
"That's weird," Pinkie said. "I got a letter about it a few days ago."
While it wasn't uncommon for Twilight to be the last pony to know about something, it was still disheartening. She could count a couple different occasions where she'd received vital information late or been entirely misinformed. It happened often enough with important issues to be frustrating at times though usually she forgot about the circumstances upon learning more.
"Spike? We didn't happen to get any mail, did we?"
"Not that I know of," Spike replied. "But I haven't checked the mail-BLAAAAAAGHH!!" the baby dragon belched green flames, throwing him from Chrysalis' back and out the door. He tumbled down the stairs, bouncing off the steps. The flames materialized into a rolled-up scroll that landed on the floor as Spike landed in the foyer.
"Spike!" Twilight ran through the door. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine..." Spike called back. "I landed in the basement."
"But we don't have a basement," Chrys said down the stairs.
"We do now."
Dan lightly smacked his forehead. "Of course! I completely forgot about threats from underneath! I'll have to redraw everything from the ground up!" he said, taking the blueprint back from Pinkie.
"So, what's the letter about?" Pinkie asked, holding the scroll. Twilight levitated it over to herself and unrolled it.
"Dear..." Twilight stopped herself. This was her first letter from Celestia since her becoming an alicorn princess. She was so used to seeing 'Dear Twilight Sparkle' or 'My Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle' affixed at the top. But this time, the letter began with 'Princess Twilight Sparkle'. She read the title, her title, a couple of times as if mesmerized by it. Not for the first time, her wings felt uncomfortable on her back and a shiver ran up her spine. She read it again. This was what she wanted... right?
Pinkie lowered her head to meet Twilight's eyes, frozen on the parchment. "So... what's it say?"
"Oh, uh, ahem," she cleared her throat, "Princess Twilight Sparkle," even saying it sounded uncomfortable. "You're cordially invited to attend the Two-year Anniversary Gala of Prince Shining Armor and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza at Canterlot Castle. Friends welcome."
"That's it?" Chrysalis asked.
Twilight flipped the note over, checking the back. "That's it."
"Wow... hard to believe it's really been two years already," the changling queen remarked.
"See? You DID get an invitation!" Pinkie pointed out, literally pointing a hoof at the letter. "You wanna take the train with me to Canterlot?"
"Well, you do have those wings now. You could fly there if you really wanted."
The purple mare looked behind her. "I... yeah." She could fly a bit indoors but out in the open was still tricky. The first time she tried flying outside she got caught up in thinking about flying, monitoring the winds, feeling the changing currents that she forgot to keep flapping. It would be a while before she was comfortable actually taking flight to anywhere far away. "I think I'll just take the train with you."
"Cool!" Pinkie hugged her. "But don't let me catch you trying to get any of the YESSSS before the party!!"
The princess smiled awkwardly. "Wouldn't dream of it, Pinkie."
"So, the letter says friends are welcome..." Chrysalis commented, leading Twilight on. "Know anyone who might want to tag along?"
Reluctantly, Twilight turned to Dan who was comparing the pink schematic to his blue one. "Daaaan?"
He didn't look up from the sheets. "Why, whatever is it, Princess Twilight?"
Twilight cringed. "Would you like to come with me to Canterlot for my brother's anniversary party?"
"Hmm," Dan thought. "Nah. Still have to finish rebuilding the house, getting the furniture moved back in. But you go have fun; it is your bro's anniversary."
"Really?" Twilight asked, surprised.
"Sure. I'll have things fixed up when you get back."
Twilight smiled. "Thanks, Dan." He smiled back at her. "Wanna get going Pinkie? Wait-" She turned to Chrysalis and Fluffle. "Would you or Fluffle Puff like to come?"
Chrys took a step back at the question. "Me?" She looked down at the unfinished floor. "You... really think I'd be... welcome?"
Twilight nodded, as if the implication of the Changling Queen returning to Canterlot was nothing. "I... I don't know."
"Don't worry about a thing," Dan said. "You guys go have a good time. I work better alone anyways."
"I think I'd like that. Thank you... Twilight Sparkle," Chrys said. This wouldn't be the first Queen Chrysalis would be going to Canterlot but it would be the first time she'd be a welcome guest. The queen of the entire Changling Horde, she once was imprisoned along with her hive underneath Canterlot for untold generations. On the eve of Shining Armor and Princess Cadence's wedding, Chrysalis tried to lead her people in an uprising to take over Canterlot and harvest the ponies' emotion for sustenance.
That was two years ago, two years ago this very weekend. It wasn't just the anniversary of the two ponies' weddings; it was the anniversary of the day Chrysalis and her horde had been defeated by Twilight, her friends and the bride and groom. It wasn't something she thought about often but when she did, the memories were painful. Now she'd just been invited to Canterlot by Shining Armor's little sister. Hopefully, the rest of Canterlot would be just as inviting.
"Fluffles? Would you like to come with us?" Chrysalis asked the pink furball.
Fluffle Puff recoiled into herself like she was hiding.
Chrysalis walked over to her. "Aww, it's okay Fluffle. I think she's worried about the house. We should probably leave her here."
"Good idea," Twilight agreed. "We won't have to worry about her getting stuck to the ceiling, at least, considering there is no ceiling."
"So, we ready to go?" Pinkie asked.
Twilight looked around. With the house still in shambles, there wasn't really anything worth taking. Her wardrobe still had yet to be moved back up to her bedroom meaning she couldn't even pack a dress. But maybe it was time for a new outfit anyway, something from Canterlot. Of course, she'd be taking her crown with her.
"I don't think so. Let's head to the train station," Twilight said. The three mares walked down the stairs and through the living room, taking care not to step through the gaping hole in the floor. Twilight glanced in to make sure Spike was okay; the little dragon looked to be building a miniature altar to Rarity.
Once outside, the trio began heading in the direction of the train station, Twilight, Fluffle Puff and Chrysalis walking side by side with Pinkie bouncing merrily ahead of them.
"Ooooh, this is so exciting! I bet the others are already waiting for us on the train!" Pinkie said. "Wait," she stopped bouncing in midair. "THAT MEANS THE YESSSSS IS UNGAURDED!" Shouting, the pink mare bolted in the direction of the train station.
Twilight shook her head.
"Is she going to be like that the entire ride to Canterlot?" Chrysalis asked.
"And back. And the entire time we're there. And forever," Twilight affirmed.
"Well... at least she won't blow her top at every little situation," Chrys commented.
"Good point," the purple alicorn agreed.
Just then, something caught both their attentions. A loud creaking noise came from behind them. The pair turned around just in time to see the tree house fall over on its side in a cloud of dust.
"TWILIGHT!!" Dan yelled. "WAIT FOR ME! I'M COMING WITH YOU!!!"
Twilight and Chrysalis took one look at each other and began running after Pinkie. "START THE TRAIN!!!"
"Why didn't we try to fly? Teleport? Anything?" Chrys asked.
"Sometimes, I forget I can do all those things," Twilight admitted. There were no excuses. On hoof, it hadn't taken Dan long to catch up to both of them. One long-winded, one-sided conversation later and he was sitting right there beside them in the passenger's car of the train, waiting to depart for Canterlot. "So, what happened to make you want to come with us, Dan?"
Arms folded, the young man clearly wasn't in a good mood. "You were gone for twenty seconds before Spike ripped out a support beam and half the plumbing."
"Why would he do that?" Twilight asked.
"You remember how he said alters go in shrines?"
"Yeah..."
"He wanted to build a shrine. Complete with its own ceremonial fountain. The moment he dug one of the pipes out of the wall, all the duct tape holding up the second story let loose and the whole thing came down."
Twilight shook her head, Chrysalis sighed. They both should've seen that coming.
"You're sure Spike's going to be okay on his own for a couple days?" Chrysalis asked.
Nodding, Twilight confirmed, "I've left him alone at the house before. He'll be fine... though I can't say the same about the library."
"Nothing we won't be able to fix," Dan remarked. "Not like we can't find another tree. And we'll be sure to get one big enough to support sufficient plumbing AND an ion cannon."
Twilight could only imagine what they were going to do about the house. It felt like once again, she was being forced to go with the flow. At least she would get the chance to see Celestia, Cadence and Shining. Seeing them always made her feel better about things. And Pinkie was with her. Though, that didn't necessarily make her feel better about things.
The pink mare in question stepped into the passenger's car from the adjacent car and trotted over to where her friends sat.
"That was close! The YESSSS is safe and scrumptiously sound," she declared, taking a seat next to Twilight. "We won't be having any issues like we had with the MMMM."
"MMMM YESSSS?" Dan asked, skeptical. He sat on the bench across from them, sprawled-out in a lounging position. Twilight and Chrys chose to sit together facing the front of the car as they waited for the train to get underway.
"Mm yes!" Pinkie nodded.
"Why do you name these... deserts such weird names?"
"Because Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness was too long to fit on the tag. You have to label things properly for transport otherwise you could mix up things like the Cheesy Crumble Cobbler Corruption for the Electric Exquisite Éclair Eruption. Believe me, you don't wanna make that mistake," Pinkie assured him.
"So, this isn't the first time you've transported some crazy pastry by train?" Dan asked.
"Nope!" pinkie answered. "Every couple months or so me or the Cakes will get an order from Canterlot for something really special. We bake it up and then take on the train right to the castle," she leaned in closer. "The real hard part is making sure nopony sneaks a bite out of it before it gets there. They're just so irresistible ponies can't help themselves!"
Dan sat up and scratched his chin. "So wait, you bake this stuff at your house?"
"Yep!" Pinkie confirmed.
"You put it on a train..." Dan continued.
"Uh huh..."
"And ride with it all the way to Canterlot?"
Pinkie nodded. "Yeah, and then I get to stay for the party to make sure it's delectable!" she slurped loudly. "Is every time!"
Quirking an eyebrow, Dan asked, "Why don't you just bake whatever it is at Canterlot?"
Pinkie giggled. "Oh, that's because I-" the smile suddenly faded from her face. The realization dawned on her: she didn't have to ride with the cake if she could just bake it there. Suddenly, her mind became flooded with all the memories of every desert she'd ever delivered to the castle. The nights she'd spent guarding confectionaries and treats, suspecting every other passenger of possibly wanting to take a bite out of her hard work. All the time spent worrying she would never get back.
Twilight leaned forward. "Pinkie? Are you okay?" she asked, looking over.
The pink pony remained silent. "Yeah..." she said after a moment. Her mane let out an audible pop and began deflating slowly until her hair became straight as a board. "Hu ha... It's funny is all. I didn't have to deliver all the cakes myself, HA!" she laughed sporadically.
She turned over to Twilight, eyes wide. "All those train rides I took. I just could've baked it at the castle. Hahaha! Probably would've saved a lot of TIME wouldn't it have, Twilight?"
"No no," Dan stood up. "We're not having any of that." Grabbing Pinkie by the shoulders, he gave her a light shake and looked her in the eyes. "Sometimes, we don't always think before things happen. Hindsight's twenty-twenty; you'll remember next time and won't have to go through all this, okay?"
Pinkie nodded but didn't say anything.
"Okay?!" Dan shook her again.
She looked up at him, color returning to her face. Slowly, her mane began to inflate, regaining its bounce. "Okay... you're right. Thanks, Danny."
"Dan," he corrected. She nodded and smiled at him, then the two sat down again. Dan kicked his legs up and returned to his relaxed position.
Twilight was awe-struck. Looking over at Chrysalis, she could tell by her expression the changling queen was just as surprised. Dan had somehow stopped Pinkie from going off the deep end, preventing a Pinkamena moment before it even started.
"Ahh," Dan let out a sigh, putting his arms behind his head. "Sometimes, we all get a little bent out of shape. When that happens, we just gotta shake it out of us and keep going."
Chrysalis and Twilight's jaws practically hit the floor. Dan actually said something... profound. "Dan... that was amazing," Chrys told him.
Twilight agreed. "I... I think I should put that in a letter to the princess."
Dan looked over to her. "Why? Isn't she going to be at Canterlot for the party?"
"Well, yeah but..." the purple princess just realized she never told Dan about her job. "You see, I write Princess Celestia letters about the magic of friendship whenever I learn a new lesson." How long had he been living with her? Was this really the first time she'd told him about this?
"That's your job?" Dan asked, still sounding skeptical. "That's why you live in a library?"
Twilight nodded. This was it; she knew he was going to laugh at her, question the validity of her occupation. Dan was overly critical of everything. He'd probably think researching the magic of friendship was a useless pursuit and she was wasting her time. She was prepared for this opinion, however. Her studies in friendship had led to her finding the best friends and she wouldn't trade it for the world. She was prepared for any criticism he could offer.
"Huh," Dan said, turning back. "Nice gig," was all he said.
Twilight and Chrysalis both exchanged glances. "You don't think it's a waste of time?" she decided to tempt fate and inquire further.
He looked back over. "Are you kidding? Friends are about the most important thing anyone can have."
Queen and princess both practically had tears in their eyes. He was speaking the truth. "I... I agree, Dan. You're absolutely right."
"Of course I'm right!" he declared, sitting back up. "If I didn't have friends, who would I have to back me up when the cops showed up? Who would help me take down corporations and conglomerates? Who would drive me to the hospital and pay for the treatment?" he threw his hands to the ceiling. "Without my friends, there would be countless organizations and individuals out there right now escaping justice and carrying on their unscrupulous activities against the innocents of the world! Friends are the greatest weapon in my arsenal!"
The three mares actually found that last declaration a bit unnerving but still touching. He was right about everything and it looked like Dan did understand the importance of friendship. Twilight would have to put that in a letter at some point though she would leave out the part about cops, corporations and hospitals.
"So, how often do you send her letters?" Dan asked.
"Every week, just about or whenever I learn something new." Come to think of it, she needed to write something new when she got home. And she was still waiting for a response from the letter she sent after the problem they had with Trixie.
"What does she do with these letters?"
"Well, she-" Another thing Twilight didn't have the answer to. "She, um, well, she reads them."
"And?"
Twilight scratched her neck. "I, I think she saves them. I hope." Wait, did she save them? What did Celestia do with her letters after she read them?
Dan leaned forward. "You've been sending her letters every week and you don't know what she's doing with them? She could be throwing them out for all you know! How do you know she's not laughing at you whenever you send one?"
Twilight didn't have an answer, wracked her brain to look for one.
"She does send letters back," Chrysalis interjected.
Pinkie piped up. "Of course she saves them! Remember, Twilight? That time Discord made us all turn on each other and she sent them all back?"
Twilight's face lit up. "Oh yes! Thank you, Pinkie. Yes, Dan, she keeps the letters."
"Yeah," Dan turned his head to the side. "But what does she do with what you've learned?"
Twilight opened her mouth and stopped. "I... I don't know."
Dan pressed her, "Is she writing a book? Teaching a class? Is she planning on getting them translated, sharing them with the world? These are important lessons involving the most powerful magic in all of Equestria being sent directly to the Princess herself, exactly WHAT is happening to all this information?"
"I don't know!" Twilight covered her head in her hooves. "I just don't know! I thought I'd know as a princess but I don't! Nopony tells me anything, I'm literally the LAST to find out about everything and... and... well, look at me!" she shouted, spreading her wings out. "I can't even fly outside..."
Chrys, Dan and Pinkie were silent. The purple alicorn sobbed openly for a quiet moment. Pinkie, not knowing what to say moved to comfort her friend, hugging her. The others, even Dan followed suit. The four shared an embrace with the weeping princess, the car quiet except for a few whimpers.
"Twilight," Chrysalis said. The smaller purple mare met her eyes. "I've been the queen of the changlings for millennia. There are still some things about changing I don't know. But I do know that sometimes, change can happen abruptly, happen when we're not ready. It takes time to adjust but there's one thing that hasn't changed: your friends."
Twilight smiled, glistening tears rolling down her cheeks. The train wasn't even moving yet she found herself moved but what her friends had said.
"We're here for ya, Twilight. Even if tomorrow you wake up and your head's on backwards," Pinkie twisted her neck around for emphasis, "We'll help you get things straightened out."
Dan nodded. "That's right. We've got your back, Twilight. And we'll get to the bottom of this somehow," he mashed a balled-up fist in his palm.
"Thank you, Dan," Twilight dried her eyes. "I'll learn to fly eventually."
"More than that," Dan sat down again. "We'll find out what Princess Celestia's been keeping from you."
"Dan, that's not exactly what I was trying to-" Chrys started to say but was-
"They're keeping something from you, they know more than they're letting on." Did he just interrupt me? How is that even- "And we'll find out what when we get to Canterlot," Dan assured them.
Pinkie waved a hoof in the air to stop Dan. "But the princess has said there's a lot of things even she doesn't know."
"That may be true," Dan folded his arms. "But it's clear she knows more than she's telling us-"
"You mean Twilight" Pinkie tried to interject.
"And that's not right. She should trust us with information this important to the safety of... the planet!"
Chrys shook her head but Twilight was actually beginning to be swayed by Dan's argument. Her gaze dropped to the floor. Becoming an alicorn princess... her friends' destinies, her own destiny, her brother's wedding, her brother's anniversary, Sunset Shimmer most recently... all these things Celestia could have shared with Twilight but she didn't. She should've shared more with her when she was her student but now as a princess, Celestia still wasn't letting Twilight know as much. Maybe it was time Twilight found out.
The conductor shouted the "All aboard!" marking the final call for boarding. The train then came to life; the passenger car lurched forward as the wheels began to carry them along the tracks.
The quartet did their best to get comfortable as the train pulled out of Ponyville Station.
"We couldn't have gotten first-class seats?" Dan asked, shifting uncomfortably on the bench.
"I don't think this train has any other accommodations," Chrys said, looking over her shoulders around. The car they were in was one of the only two passenger cars, identical to the one ahead of them. Behind them was the caboose where cargo and Pinkie's delicacy were being kept.
"Traveling with a queen and a princess, you'd think we'd be able to get some royal treatment," Dan grumbled.
"I don't really think it's necessary," Twilight said. "I've taken the train many times and haven't really needed any special treatment." In fact, the idea of being treated differently for being a princess was kind of unnerving. The entire fact she'd changed into an alicorn was still something she grappled with. Thank goodness she still had her friends, even Dan was starting to become someone she relied on.
Chrysalis put a hoof to her chin. "Being queen of the changlings wasn't that much different from being a drone. We all do what we can to support the hive, act in the best interest of the group. I did my best to lead but I didn't receive any special privileges just for being in charge."
"Maybe that's for the best," Dan commented, leaning back and putting his arms behind his head. "We don't need any more corrupt leaders taking advantage of everyone they're supposed to be looking out for."
Twilight grinned. "Oh? And what about taking advantage of somepony's hospitality?"
Dan turned his head to her quickly. "What's that supposed to mean? Who's the one that's fixing your house after Vinyl annihilated it?"
Chrys chuckled. "That's only because you want to turn it into your own private fortress." The three mares laughed.
"Hey, when the robots try to takeover, you'll all thank me for the upgrades I'll be making to the library," Dan defended.
"If you do turn it into a fortress, be sure to leave room for a party cannon or two. And maybe my party catapult. And my giant party slingshot. Party trebuchet, party man-cannon, party mortar pit, Gun on Ice Party Zero-" Pinkie listed.
"I think Spike has a better chance of turning it into a temple for Rarity," Chrys remarked.
"Good point," Pinkie agreed.
"Heh," Dan scoffed at the doubters. "You'll see when I'm done with it. I'm not one to be underestimated. Maybe I'd even make a good prince."
Twilight and Chrys both got wide-eyed at the statement. "You want to be a prince?"
"Ha," Dan laughed. "Not a chance. I can't stand being around royals, present company excluded. All those uptight aristocrats make my skin crawl."
Pinkie and Twilight could both agree with that. Members of the Canterlot gentry weren't exactly the most pleasant to be around. They both had been forced to tolerate them for an evening not so long ago, a night that had left them with a sour impression of Canterlot royals. Though Twilight and her friends had also made their own impression, something they were happy they'd did in hindsight.
"Aw, they're not all bad, Danny," Pinkie batted away the discomfort.
"Don't call me that."
"-you just have to know how to get on their good side."
Dan shifted again. "I'm just saying, if I was in charge, you'd see what I can do with it."
The image of a future Canterlot renamed Danterlot where Dan controlled everything and watched everything through giant monitors that broadcasted his face entered Twilight's mind. She shook it out quickly.
The passenger car became quiet again. The sound of the track clacking along became the only sound to break the silence. Outside, the landscape began to get more mountainous as the train traveled.
"So," Pinkie broke the silence, "anypony know anything we can do to pass the time?"
"My cell phone's broken or I'd have something to do," Dan said.
"How about impressions?" Chrys suggested.
Pinkie giggled. "You're a changling though! You can change into anypony you want!"
"I know!" Chrys smiled. "Tell me who this is." In a flash, the changling queen was engulfed in green flames. The fire quickly vanished and in Chrysalis' place was an orange earth pony they knew only too well.
"Applebloom!" Chrys shouted in AJ's voice, "What have I told y'all about swimmin' in the cider silo?!" Another green flash and Chrys changed into red-maned filly.
"Aww, but I was tryin' to get mah cutie mark in cider divin'!"
Dan, Twilight and Pinkie burst into laughter. "I think she actually tried doing that once!" Pinkie exclaimed between laughs.
"Okay, try to guess who this is." The queen changed form again, this time into a pink-maned yellow Pegasus.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Twilight. I wanted to come to your brother's anniversary but I was stuck inside my cottage all weekend. I shut myself inside my closet and couldn't get out because... I'm afraid of doorknobs," Fluttershy's voice admitted.
Dan and Pinkie both laughed so hard they fell out of their seats. Twilight wasn't amused. "That's not nice, Chrysalis. Fluttershy's just shy, not afraid of everything."
"Oh but she'd think it was funny, Twilight!" Pinkie said, pulling herself up.
"Well... yeah," Twilight agreed, allowing herself to smile.
"All right, who am I now?" Chrys asked. Dan and Twilight watched intently as the queen changed into somepony else. When the flames subsided, they stared at two Pinkie Pies.
"Hmm," Pinkie stared at her reflection, eyes narrow as she judged. "Not bad. The last changling who changed into me got my mane and coat all wrong."
"Maybe you just to forgot to shower that day?" Chrys suggested in Pinkie's voice, staring back at the same way. For Dan and Twilight, it was like seeing two identical Pinkies. The purple princess once more felt a sense of deja vu.
"Nope," Pinkie answered. "I marked it on my calendar. But you're pretty good."
"Back at ya."
"You can look like me and sound like me," the real Pinkie got off her chair and stood in the aisle. "But can you dance like me?"
Chryssy Pie walked right up to her. "What're you thinking? The Pony Pokey?"
"Actually, I had something else in mind. Follow me and let's see if you can keep up." Pinkie took a deep breath and stood on her back legs.
"It's almost like your seeing double! But the truth is much more subtle Your vision's been rearranged! Come one, come all! Come see the Queen of Change!
Are you having trouble trying to adapt? In your own body, do you feel trapped? Well, I can see your potential that's yet to be tapped! Take one look at me, you'll see how easy Being you can be!
At times, I can seem a bit strange, But you've never met a pony like the Queen of Change!
There are things you don't know you're capable of! Actions you can perform when things get tough! So before you think that you've had enough, Let me turn into you! Let me demonstrate All the things you can do!
Don't look at me like I'm deranged! I'm just your everyday friendly Queen of Change!
Are you too afraid to try? I really don't see why. Do you doubt your skill? No, you just lack the will! And if it's confidence you lack, Let me help you get it back! I'll change into you, then you'll see The full extent of your ability!
Do you have the talent but you fear the spotlight? Let me show you to get through the fright! Everything's gonna be all right! Everybody's capable of doing good! Let me show you how you can, if you would!
Any scope, any range! I can show you how cuz I'm the Queen of Channnnnnnnnnnggge!!!"
The two identical magenta mares paused in the grand finale, hooves outstretched as confetti fell from the ceiling.
Twilight applauded. "Wow, that was amazing you two!"
Transforming back to her normal form, Chrysalis took a bow alongside Pinkie.
"Thanks, Twilight. What'd you think of it, Dan?"
The steady sound of snoring answered her. The young man in question was asleep on the bench, curled up to a plushie of Trixie.
Twilight giggled. "Well, I thought it was wonderful. You make a great Pinkie Pie, Chrys."
Pinkie nodded. "Yep! All you need is your own party cannon and-"
The door to the adjacent car slammed open abruptly. "What the BUCK is going on back here?!!"
Chrys, Pinkie and Twilight whipped their heads around to the door, Dan shot up in his seat.
"I'll ask again: what the BUCK is going on back here?!" Standing half in the door to the next car was a dark brown-coated donkey wearing a blue uniform. A pair of furious eyes scanned the passenger car's occupants.
"Woah, what's with the language?" Chrys asked.
Pinkie's expression instantly became ecstatic. "CRANKY!!" she shouted, running up to the stranger. Before the perplexed mule could say another word, he was wrapped up in an incredibly tight magenta embrace. "Cranky, it's so good to see you! I didn't know you were gonna be on this train! Why didn't you tell me you were-"
"Let. Go of me."
Pinkie did as instructed, quickly realizing that this equine wasn't the one she knew of back in Ponyville. "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought-"
"Assaulting an Equestrian Rail Administration Official.." he muttered to himself. He pointed a hoof at her. "I should you throw you off this train for that."
"I-I'm s-sorry, I didn't know you were..." Pinkie stammered, backing away in fright. While the donkey did bare some resemblance to Cranky Doodle Donkey, Pinkie and the others could tell right away this wasn't the same mule. Like Cranky, he didn't have any hair on his head though this was clearly because his scalp was shaved, not because he was bald. He had a combined moustache-beard around his muzzle that did nothing to hide the scowl he wore aimed at Pinkie Pie.
Twilight jumped in front of her. "Excuse me but don't you think that's a bit harsh?"
The donkey raised an eyebrow and calmly asked, "Harsh?"
"Pinkie was just excited she thought she saw a friend of hers. She didn't realize you were a complete stranger."
He paused as if to consider the possibility. "And who are you exactly?"
"I didn't ask you," the donkey replied sternly. "And I don't care what kind of princess you are. I am conductor Samule L. Jackson of the Equestrian Rail Administration and while you're on MY train, my authority surpasses even that of a princess."
"What?!" Dan asked, getting up. "How does that work?"
This was not the time for Dan to have an outburst. Twilight turned to him as he walked over. "Uh, Dan-"
"This is a train, not a ship you can just take command of!" he declared.
The donkey took one step forward. "Are you questioning my authority?"
Dan blinked at the question. "I'm questioning why you even- yes, I'm questioning your authority! Why do you have authority? This is a TRAIN!"
"And this is a taser."
A perplexed look briefly dawned across Dan's face before fifty-thousand volts overloaded his nervous system. In one quick motion, the donkey jabbed a rod into his skin, electrifying him.
"GAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
"Stop resisting! Stop resisting!!" the conductor shouted. Dan writhed on the ground, limbs jerking as the voltage caused him to spasm.
Shocked to see their friend being shocked, Twilight and Pinkie backed away. Chrys did not.
"Hey, what the-" Energy wrapped around the donkey and pressed him up against the wall. Dan still jerked as his body was released from the electricity.
Chrys' eyes were white. "You do not touch him." She stepped closer to the conductor, keeping him pinned. "You do not-" A bit too close. Though stuck to the wall of the connecting door, the official still had control of his limbs. He stuck the taser in Chrys' side, electrifying the queen.
"RAAAAAAAAUUUUGHH!!" The spell let loose of the donkey and Chrys dropped the floor, convulsing next to Dan.
"Oh my princess!" Twilight gasped, watching as both of her friends were taken out by the conductor.
Brushing himself off, the official withdrew the taser. "The four of you are coming with me. Right now." He opened the door to the adjoining car and held it open.
Twilight and Pinkie approached their friends on the floor. "Guys, are you okay?" Twilight asked, worried.
The two carefully stood. "Been a while... since I've been tased," Dan said, sounding exhausted.
"Uh... ugh..." Chrys panted, trying to stand. Dan moved over to help her to her hooves. "First time... for me."
"If you both don't get moving, it won't be your last. Up," the conductor demanded. In a straight line, the four followed the aggressive mule to the front passenger car. Unlike the one they were in, this one was occupied by other ponies. A group of four unicorns conversed towards the front of the cabin, a few crystal ponies took up some other seats and in the middle an earth pony was busy trying to get a sign into an overhead storage compartment.
The donkey lead the four to a pair of benches in the back, the first available next to the door they exited. They each took seats like obedient children that had just been scolded. "I'm going to keep you all up here where I can keep an eye on you."
"I don't think the taser was really necessary," Twilight said, looking up at him.
The donkey leaned over to her. "In the interest of protecting national rail security, I'm fully authorized to use non-lethal force to subdue any passengers I deem a disruption to the safe operation of this train. Do I make myself clear, princess?"
Twilight averted her eyes from his gaze. "I... understand."
"Good. Any more disruptions and the consequences will be more severe," he said venomously, walking away.
Twilight waited until he was to the front of the car before turning her attention back to her friends. Both Chrysalis' mane and Dan's hair were thoroughly messed up, standing on end from the electricity. "Are you all right?" Twilight whispered.
"Tear-gas, I can handle. And mace is actually a lot like tear-gas only tangier. But tasers?" Dan took a moment to push his hair back down. "I'm still building up my tolerance to tasers."
"That was... unpleasant," Chrys said, adjusting her mane.
Pinkie's head was drooping down. "I'm sorry, guys. This was my fault. If we hadn't been singing..."
"No Pinkie," Chrysalis put a hoof on her shoulder. "This wasn't anypony's fault. That conductor's just a jerk."
Dan cleared his throat, making point of the logo reading JERK on his shirt.
"Oh, I mean he's not a good jerk. Not like you, Dan; you're the good kind," Chrys corrected.
Dan smiled. "Thank you."
"Still, I think it was a bit extreme that he'd just up and zap you for speaking out," Twilight said.
"I think the conductor might be angrier than you, Dan," Pinkie remarked, looking over her shoulder to the front of the car.
"What makes you say that, Pinkie?" Dan asked, turning his head in the same direction in time to see the conductor press a pony's head against one of the windows.
"Did I say you could get up?! What's the sign say mother bucker?!"
"I dunno. Just a hunch," Pinkie replied.
"I say we throw him off the train, tie him to a railroad tie so that the next time lightning strikes-" Dan got a wild look in his eye as he continued.
"I don't think that's the best idea," Twilight commented. "Maybe we should just try to remain quiet for the rest of the ride."
"Twilight, what about my cake?" Pinkie asked.
"I'm sure the cake will be fine."
"No, no!" Pinkie waved her hooves. "I have to check up on it to monitor the temperature, the flavor levels and the proper balance of the frosting! What if something goes wrong?"
Twilight tried to calm her friend down. "I don't think anything's going to happen to the cake while it's on the train, Pinkie."
"Twilight," Pinkie grabbed her friend by the cheeks, locking eyes with her. "This is cake. YOU DON'T LEAVE CAKE TO CHANCE!"
"Pinkie," Chrysalis said. "Calm down, it's going to be all right. We'll be able to check on the cake when we stop, just relax until we get there."
"Okay... okay, yeah. You're right," slowly the magenta mare slid back into her chair. "Everything's going to be fine."
And it was. For precisely three seconds. Then, Pinkie's tail started twitching. "THAT'S IT! I HAVE TO CHECK ON THE CAKE!" she shouted. The pink mare jumped out of her seat and bolted through the door to the other passenger car.
"Pinkie!!" Twilight tried to stop her but it was too late. Turning back to the front, the mule conductor didn't seem to have noticed yet. The sign the passenger towards the middle tried to stow in the overhead bin had fallen out and Samule seemed to be berating him about the issue.
"She really cares about cake," Chrysalis thought aloud, brushing her mane back into place.
"What are we gonna do now? The conductor's gonna see she's gone and we'll get thrown off the train!" Twilight said, entering panic mode.
"Oh! I've got it!" Chrys said. In a flash, she transformed into Pinkie Pie. "There! Now he won't notice Pinkie's gone!" she smiled enthusiastically.
Dan and Twilight both facepalm/hooved. "Great job!" Dan said sarcastically, "But who's going to turn into you?!"
"Oh..." Chrys realized. Flash again and she was back to normal. "I forgot about that."
"We need to do something..." Twilight said. "He's getting closer!" Samule L. Jackson continued making his way down the aisle to them taking time to verbally abuse each of the passengers as he passed. It was clear he would reach them soon.
"Okay," Dan leaned in. "Here's what we do..."
Chrys and Twilight leaned in to listen. "Uh huh," they asked, both intent to hear what he had to say.
Dan opened his mouth and then immediately got up ran through the door to the other cabin. Chrys and Twilight glanced at each other and then scrambled to follow him.
"Dan, wait up!" Chrys whispered. The two mares followed the biped through the vacant car they'd just been sitting in minutes ago. Looking behind them, they knew it would only be moments before the conductor knew they were gone, if that even.
Dan quickly strode through the aisle of benches to the back of the car. He opened the door to the passageway that connected to the caboose and then through the door to the cargo area Pinkie had left open.
"Pinkie? Where are you?" he asked, stepping inside. It was dark; the only lights came from the small windows on either side of the car and the back. Boxes were stacked all around them, some haphazardly tied down, others simply propped against the wall. "Pinkie?!"
"Shh!" Pinkie's voice shushed him.
"What?"
"Keep your voice down! Cakes are sensitive to loud noises!"
Dan shook his head. "That doesn't make any sense!"
Chrys and Twilight entered behind him. "Why is it so dark back here?" Chrys asked.
Pinkie popped up from behind a box in the back. "So the light doesn't tamper with the temperature. Cakes are very sensitive to heat and light."
"What aren't cakes sensitive to?" Dan asked, almost exasperated.
"Being eaten!" Pinkie replied with huge grin.
Twilight was relieved to see Pinkie. "Okay, you've checked on the cake. We have to get back to our seats before the conductor-"
A loud slam drew their attention behind them. Looking through the small window on the door to the passenger car, they saw the furious form of Samule L. Jackson stomping towards them.
"Too late." Pinkie pointed.
"What do we do?!" Twilight panicked. "We gotta hide, we gotta bail-"
Chrys turned to the door. "I could turn into Celestia or Luna. Maybe Nightmare Moon can scare him away. Or I could turn-"
"Turn around and follow me!" Dan grabbed her leg and pulled her. Wading through the boxes, he made his way to the back of the car with queen and princess behind him. "We'll climb to the roof from the outside!" he said, opening the back door.
Pinkie shook her head. "I'm not leaving my cake."
"Pinkie," Twilight turned to her, "there's no time to argue! We have to get going!"
The door at the front of the caboose opened. Quickly, Dan pulled Twilight and Chrys through to the back just as Samule entered.
Dan turned to the side quickly and pressed his back against the wall, Twilight and Chrys did the same on the other side. They were on the small platform at the end of the caboose, nothing in front of them but the railroad that passed beneath them.
"Wot the hay are you blokes doin' on mai train?" They had all failed to notice a black griffon leaning on the platform's railing. He tipped his black, circular glasses down the bridge of his beak as he regarded the three.
"Uh..." Twilight stammered, trying to think of something.
"What are YOU doing on this train?" Dan asked, demanding his own answer.
The griffon turned to them. "Om Ozzy, Ozzy Osbarn. This ere's mai train and I stepped out ere to enjoy tha fresh air while we're traveling up the mountains."
"Uh... we're doing the same!" Twilight said, grinning.
"Uhm..." Dan thought quickly. Quickly, he reached up and grabbed Twilight's crown off her head and tucked it behind his back. "I think Princess Twilight lost her crown... on top of the train. So, we're going to go look for it," he declared aloud in the most nonchalant voice he could manage. He turned to the ladder at his side and began climbing it, Twilight and the others quickly followed.
"Awright, jus be careful up there," the griffon said, not really paying attention to them. The three climbed the ladder to the roof of the caboose.
At the same time inside of it, Samule L. Jackson closed the door behind him carefully. "All right, I know you're in here so why not just make this easy and show yourselves?" Silence answered him. It figured; fugitives never gave themselves up to the first offer. But at least he had offered. That was the important part, he reminded himself.
One of the boxes towards the back of the cabin shook. "I'm the law on this train! You can't hide from me!" he yelled, running over to it. He didn't draw his taser but kept it ready on the edge of his fore-ankle just in case. The box was small, about half the size of an average pony. Only large enough for somepony to hide in if they were lying down. He placed his hooves over the lid.
"Tampering with cargo, I'm adding that to your list of infractions so-" he opened it and stopped speaking. Inside appeared to be a... cake. A carrot cake to be precise, there was nothing conspicuous about its frosting or texture. Perplexed, Samule replaced the lid to the box. Could've almost sworn that-
The sound of another container shaking behind him drew his attention. He spun around quickly to see the pink mare's head sticking out of a box in the middle of the car, just looking at him and wearing the lid like a hat.
"There you are!" he shouted, dashing over to the boxed mare. Pinkie quickly recoiled inside the crate, the box shaking as the lid slid back in place. "What are you doing back here? Where's your friends?!" he placed both hooves on the top of the box. He opened it quickly to see... another cake, this one a fruit cake with nuts.
Samule looked at the box in disbelief. The magenta pony was just in this box, he saw her head poking out of it! He shook the box, looking all around the contents but there was no sign of her. Lifting up the box, he checked the bottom of it and the space beneath it. There were no holes, no evidence she escaped. This couldn't be possible.
Another box shook in a corner of the room. Teeth gritted, he ran over to it. There was no way out, no where she could run this time. He placed both hooves on the lid but then thought better of it. Instead, he knelt down further and grabbed the box by its sides and lifted it. It was too light; there was no way she was in there. He wouldn't be fooled this time.
Turning back around, he noticed the lid to one of the boxes quickly close shut and vibrate. Samule ran over to it, confident this time. He knelt down to the container and tried to lift it. It was too heavy for him to move. When he released it, it shook again. Grinning, he ripped off the container's top. "I've got you now! Stop tampering with-" Inside was another cake. Actually, not even. Just a mini-muffin.
The box in the corner behind him shook again. Turning around, he saw the pink mare's head sticking out of the box he'd only checked moments ago. Her wide eyes pierced the darkness as she stared at him. He lunged at the box as she popped back inside, grabbing it with his hooves. "You're not getting away from me!! This shenanigans stops now!" the box vibrated in his hooves. The sound of giggling came from inside. This was it, he had her now. Taking off the top, he tossed aside and peered in to the face of his perpetrator.
But that's all that was inside the box: Pinkie's face. Grinning back at Samule was a Pinkie Pie-shaped cake complete with pink frosting. He stared at the desert in shock. How was she doing this?! All around him, all the cargo crates in the caboose started vibrating like things possessed. Lids shook, sides quivered, he backed into the corner until he bumped into a box behind him. He turned abruptly in time to see the pink pony looking at him. She giggled.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" With the noise the train was making clacking along the rails, the conductor's scream didn't pierce the walls of the car.
On top of the car, Dan and the others struggled to stand their ground against the wind. The trio walked along the roof single-file with Dan in front, Twilight in the middle and Chrys in the back. The train was now traveling at an incline, up the mountains. It wouldn't be long before they reached Canterlot.
"So, what do we do? Just hide up here until we get to Canterlot?" Twilight asked.
"Why would we do that? Look, the conductor's in the caboose so we just climb on the roofs until we get to the front passenger car, swing in through the windows and be back in our seats. Then we pretend like nothing happened," Dan yelled over the sound of the wind rushing by.
Twilight wasn't sure about the idea but she also didn't have any ideas of her own. "What about Pinkie?" Chrysalis was the only one that noticed the sign that passed them as they went by.
"She'll have to fend for herself."
"You're sure she'll be okay back here?"
Dan shrugged. "Why not? She's got cake."
"That's a great plan. Dan but there's just one problem with it," Chrys said.
"What?" Dan asked in disbelief. "We covered everything: the conductor, the cake, the caboose,"
"-the cave."
"Cave?" Dan stopped listing. "What cave?"
Chrys pointed to the front of the train. "The one the train's about to go into."
Dan and Twilight turned back to see what she was pointing at. "Oh, that's not a cave. That's a tunnel." Dan said calmly.
"That's a tunnel!!" Twilight screeched. The tunnel fast-approached them, they had seconds to respond. "We'll never make it back to the ladder!!"
"Off to the side!" Dan yelled. Kneeling down, he grabbed the edge of the roof and climbed onto the side, hanging off the side of the caboose. Chrys followed suit, using the holes in her hooves to grab the corners of the ledge. Twilight reluctantly crouched down and did her best to position her hooves on the side, finally swinging down. A little too quickly.
"AAh, I'm slipping!" her left hoof swung off the side, the motion pulling her away from the car so that she was hanging by the corner of her right hoof alone.
Putting his feet on the corners of the side, Dan reached out with his right hand and grabbed Twilight's hoof, pulling her back to the side of the car just as the train entered the tunnel. Air rushed by them but the three clung to the side for dear life, the roar of the train echoing in the tunnel.
"Dan..." Twilight gasped, "Thank you."
"We're not letting go of you that easy," Dan said back.
"You know, I shouldn't have to remind us but..." Chrys started to yell.
"But what?"
"But we can teleport!"
If Twilight wasn't holding on for dear life, another facehoof would have occurred.
"Do it! Do it now!!" Dan shouted. The purple alicorn complied and in a flash, they were back inside the caboose. The three of them nearly fell to the floor, exhausted and relieved.
Gasping for breath, Dan slowly stood up. "Twilight, I'm going to write 'YOU CAN TELEPORT' on a note and tape it to your forehead... the next time you forget you can teleport."
Chrys nodded in agreement. "Along with 'you can fly, you can time travel,'"
"You can deal with this later," Twilight added, tired. "At least we're safe now."
"I wouldn't say that," Pinkie said, stepping out of a cake box behind them.
"Pinkie!" Twilight said, relieved to see her friend. "What happened to the conductor?"
Pinkie pointed a hoof at the door. The others turned in that direction in time to see it close.
Samule L. Jackson panted as he exited the caboose. Covered in cake icing and frightened for his life, he didn't know how that pink pony had done what she did but he wasn't going to stick around to find out. Something was going on here; he was sure of it. As he always reminded himself and others, the absence of evidence was not the evidence of absence. The safety of the train had been compromised, meaning there was only one thing left to do.
Dan and the others approached the door connecting to the passage between cars. Looking through the window, they saw the conductor.
"What's he doing?" Dan asked.
"I don't know," Chrys answered. None of them had any idea what he was up to but it didn't look like he had noticed them, not yet at least.
The donkey brushed some of the cream off his face with a hoof. "That is IT! I have HAD IT with these MOTHER BUCKING CAKES on this MOTHER BUCKING TRAIN!" Reaching into his pocket, he retrieved his taser. Instead of activating it, Samule turned it to the other side and ignited something else.
"What... the... force..." Dan said, awe-struck by what he viewed. A magenta beam of energy shot out from the end of the taser the conductor held, a solid ray humming like a blade.
"What is that?" Chrys asked.
"I don't know... but I'm thinking the roof might be safer now," Dan said, stepping back.
Samule L. Jackson plunged the tasesaber's pink energy blade into the floor of the connecting passageway, piercing the metal. The others watched in shock as the conductor drew the sword through the floor and up along the sides of the wall, cutting a huge line. He brought the blade up through the ceiling, back around the other side and finally back to the floor.
Looking back up through the window to the caboose, Samule grinned. He put his hoof to the space where he cut and pushed.
The passageway jerked and snapped off, disconnecting from the train where it had been severed. The rest of the train continued on ahead of them, the distance between the two cars growing.
Dan opened the door. The caboose was no longer connected to the rest of the train and was slowing down. His jaw hung open as he watched the car ahead of them race away from them. Samule L. Jackson withdrew his tasesaber into his pocket again and stepped through the door of the second passenger car.
"Wha... what did he just do?!!" Twilight asked, shocked.
"He... he just cut us off... from the rest of the train!" Chrys answered.
The group stared slack-jawed as the train disappeared around a corner of the mountain. Slowly, the caboose lost momentum until it came to a halt.
"I... I can't believe this..." Dan slumped to the ground. "This is worse than the airlines!"
Chrys stepped forward and opened the door. She stuck he head out to look around. In front of them were the train tracks, no indication of how far they were from Canterlot, Ponyville or anything remotely resembling civilization. To the caboose's right was a sheer cliff and a long way down, to their right was the beginning of a cliff and a long way up. Behind them was track, in front of them was track. They were between a rock and a hard place.
"What do we do now?" Pinkie Pie asked, worried. "The refrigeration on the cake was only meant to last so long. We have to get to Canterlot soon!"
"You don't get it, do you?" Dan asked, getting up. "We're stranded! You know how many miles we are from Canterlot?"
The pink pony shook her head, making the sound of a walnut clanging around the inside of a tin can as she did.
"You know how many miles we are away from Ponyville?!" Another head shake answered him. "That cake is going to have to last us until we make it back home! It could be days!... we're gonna have to eat the cake!"
"NO!" Pinkie screamed. She propped herself up against the largest crate to the side of the cart. "This cake is specifically for Shining Armor and Cadence's anniversary party! We can't eat it!"
"Wait," Dan realized something. Slowly, he turned around to Twilight Sparkle. "You."
"Me?" Twilight recoiled, not understanding.
"You," Dan stomped over to her. "Why did you teleport us back into the caboose?! Why didn't you teleport us back to our seats?!" he screamed.
"Maybe... calm down a bit, Dan?" Chrys said, also backing away.
"And for that matter," Dan looked around desperately, angrily, then threw his head back and shouted "WHY DID WE TAKE THE TRAIN?!!!"
Just then, the back door opened and a griffon stepped inside. "Oi, we here already?" he asked.
"No," Chrys answered. "The conductor just... cut our trip short."
The griffon walked through the car, passing them to look out the door for himself. "Ah. Well tha's a bit inconvenient."
"No, when he tased me and Chrys and hauled us to the front car, that was a bit inconvenient. This," he gestured to the bisected passageway, "this is crazy."
Ozzy turned his head quickly to Dan, tipping his shades as he did so. "Crazy, you say?" He closed the door and stepped to the side. Reaching underneath a panel in the wall, he removed the cover to a circuit box of some sort.
Twilight looked over his shoulder. "What're you doing there?"
"What're you doing here?" he asked, still focusing on the circuit box. Green lights flashed in rows as the griffon ran his talons over different ones, switching controls Twilight couldn't make out.
"What do you mean?"
"No, seriously, wot are you blokes doin' on mai train?"
"Um," Twilight took a step back, "well, we were on our way to Canterlot. Pinkie came back here to check on her cake and..."
"So, you came back here to see if the cake was cut and the conductor carves the car instead..." Ozzy surmised.
"And now we're stranded here. Which means, it's only a matter of time before we're going to have to dig into that cake in order to survive," Dan said, turning to Pinkie.
"NO!!" the pink mare screamed, still bracing against her box.
"Before we go slicing into anything else, I may have a way to get us moving again," Ozzy said, closing the panel. Turning around, he held two spliced wires in his talons close to each other. "But I'm going to need you all to do something for me."
"What's that?" Dan asked.
The griffon smiled and suddenly his voice dropped low. "Hold on." He touched the two wires together and a spark shot out from their ends. Instantly, the car lurched forward. Dan and the others steadied themselves as the caboose picked up speed, accelerating rapidly. Before they could celebrate, however the train car was going almost too fast. Boxes began sliding to the back of the car, Pinkie holding onto hers as it vibrated.
"Ha ha ha ha..." Ozzy cackled, his feathers rising as electricity flowed from one wire to the next.
"What did you just did?!!" Dan yelled.
"This is MY train, as I've said enough and it comes complete with its own rockets!"
"Rockets?!"
The train lurched again, accelerating further. The sound of jets firing pierced the cabin as the train began to race down the tracks, faster than even the locomotive it had originally been attached to. Dan and the others now clutched the floor in order to remain from being thrown to the back, clinging as the car throttled down the railroad and break-neck speed.
The caboose barely touched the rails as it flew on the mountain rails. Each slight rise and dip in the tracks caused the wheels to go a little bit airborne before clanging back down. Their speed was getting to be dangerous; the rockets on the side of the train that had been deployed by Ozzy's tinkering pushed them forward at a velocity intended for the entire train, not just one car.
"Now we should catch up to them in no time," Ozzy said confidently, lowering the two wires. The rockets stopped blazing and retracted into the sides of the car.
"Catch up to them?!" Dan accused the notion, "At this rate, we'll go straight through them!" He climbed to his feet, struggling to stand against the speed of the train car. The door to the front of the car swung open and broke off at the hinges. Dan and the others ducked as the door smashed into the door at the rear of the car, breaking it off as well. The two doors flew out of the car and over the railing, smashing on the tracks in pieces.
"Oh, not a chance," the griffon batted the idea away. "When we get close to them, we'll just slow down and recouple the cars."
"And how are we supposed to slow down?!" Dan asked.
"Emergency brakes," Ozzy replied. It seemed the mysterious driver did have everything worked out. He walked over to the other side of the door and lifted up the cover to another panel. "We'll just tap these when we start to see the other train and that'll match our speed with 'em."
Dan, Chrysalis and Twilight stared at the panel as the griffon triumphantly pulled it open. Their eyes collectively widened in shock.
Chrys pointed a hoof at the wall. "Your emergency brakes... have an emergency!"
"What?" Ozzy turned to see what she was pointing at. The cover he'd just pulled back was indeed the slot for the emergency brake... but there was no brake lever inside. Instead, a chocolate cake had been wedged in the compartment space, hanging out as icing oozed onto the floor.
"That's not an emergency brake! That's an emergency cake!" Pinkie yelled.
The griffon's face went flush. "We need to hit the brakes!" He flew to the back and ripped open another panel. To his dismay, there was another cake behind it.
"There are no brakes! Only cakes!"
Ozzy turned to Pinkie. "Why would they replace the brakes with cakes?!"
"Uh... well, they didn't," Pinkie said, still clinging to her crate.
"Pinkie..." Twilight said, concerned at whatever it was Pinkie did.
Pinkie gulped. "What if the train had stopped too quickly? The cake could've been ruined! I couldn't take that chance so I... I replaced all the brakes on the train with cakes!"
"That's... that's insane!!" Twilight shouted in shock. Talk about an unsafe obsession with cake!
"It's... it's okay," Ozzy said, nervousness in his voice. "With the rockets off, we'll slow down eventually."
"You better hope we slow down soon," Chrys said.
"What? Why?"
"Because there's a cliff coming up!!"
Through the empty doorway, the others saw a turn in the railway fast-approaching. The tracks wound around the mountainside to their left, avoiding the sheer cliffs directly ahead of them. Unfortunately, with the speed the train had built up, it was clear the train would not be avoiding the cliffs.
"Twilight?" Chrys asked, the entire group clutching the floor as the train rolled.
"Yeah?"
"Why didn't we just fly?"
The train rocketed down the tracks, reaching the turn. All though it wasn't a sharp turn, it wasn't dull enough to alter the train's direction, or as would be the case in a moment, its trajectory. The car's wheels clacked as they ran over the change in course and the caboose flew over the cliff like a skier flying off a ramp. But the train car was far less graceful.
As the train flew, airborne off the side of the mountain, Dan shouted, "CRAZY TRAIN!!!"
The train car flew a good distance, staying in the air for a good amount of time despite its less-than-aerodynamic qualities. It cleared the mountain's sloping side, continuing all the way down. Apart from passengers' screaming, the car sailed silently, almost majestically in the afternoon sun as it slowly dipped, beginning a straight plummet towards the ground below.
"AAAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAAAHH!!"
"Pinkie!" Chrys yelled, trying to quiet the pink mare. The two were pressed up against Pinkie's cake crate, the others clinging to the wall at the rear of the car as it angled vertically.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!"
The changling queen moved over and quickly covered the mare's mouth with her hooves, though she tried to scream through the holes in Chrys' legs. Still, Chrys managed to shut Pinkie's mouth and shout over the noise.
"TWILIGHT! Can you do that thing your brother does?!"
The purple mare was bracing against the velocity and the impact soon to come. "Wha... what thing?!"
"That thing-the shield! Can you put a shield around the car?!
Twilight's eyes widened. "Oh! I, let me try!" Leaning forward, she closed her eyes tight, focusing all her energy into her horn. A purple-pink sphere of energy formed around the train car, encasing it in a magic bubble.
Chrys, Dan and the others collectively breathed a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, it would be short lived.
At the front of the train car, the control panel broke off its hinges and flew back towards the cabin. While the shield could soften the impact, it could not protect them from gravity and inside the barrier, it offered no defense at all. Twilight gasped as the panel flew straight at her but there was nothing she could do to stop it while projecting the shield. It smacked the young princess in the face, knocking her instantly unconscious. The shield around the car quickly collapsed.
"Twilight! TWILIGHT!" Dan yelled, shaking her.
For some reason, Ozzy was completely calm as he braced on the wall next to Dan and the unconscious Twilight. "Well, I neva would've figured this'd be the way I'd go out. Would've been nice to do a farewell tour first, get some more action, see tha world one las time but-"
"WHAT DO WE DO NOW?! SOMEPONY SAVE MY CAKE! SAVE MEEEEEE!!" Pinkie screamed.
"Chrys!" Dan shouted. "You can use magic, too! You've got to make a shield!"
"That's... I've never done magic like that!"
"You have to shield the car now!!" Dan shouted.
Gritting her teeth and shutting her eyes, Chrys focused power into her own horn. An turquoise aura appeared around it, her horn sparked but no barrier appeared around the train. "I... I can't!"
"CHRYS!!"
"I- I need energy! I need love!"
"I love you!" Pinkie quickly said.
"Yes!" Dan agreed, yelling. "We're your friends! We love you! Now please, create a shield!"
"I actually don't really know any of you but I'm willing to spread the luv," Ozzy said, still perfectly calm.
"No!" Chrysalis shouted. "Not that kind of love!"
"Then WHAT kind?!" Dan asked.
Chrys jumped over the box, vaulting back to Dan's position. He looked at her, not knowing what she was doing. "This kind," she said. Pulling him close, she kissed him. She closed her eyes as she embraced him, Dan's own eyes going wide, wider with shock than when he'd been tased as their lips locked.
Being a queen, a changling and queen of the changlings, Chrysalis hadn't lived what would be considered an average life for a mare. Friendship, love, passion and compassion were things all creatures in Equestria experienced but arguably Chrysalis and her horde experienced them in the most different of ways. Like ponies, for them, the bonds made between two living beings were a source of not just emotional support but also magical strength.
The bond created between two living things could be compared to chemical bonds. The reaction of such bonds can cause the release of tremendous amounts of energy but ponies have found a way to harness the connection between individuals to create something more. By utilizing friendship, love and magic, ponies discovered they can use such bonds to create and harness limitless amounts of energy, power unfathomable.
Changlings, however fed on this energy by leeching through the bonds created. They became living siphons that drained another creature through the connection they created, a parasitic process that caused changlings to be both feared and hated.
Over time, though, it was clear something was changing inside the changling queen. After being taken in by Twilight, Chrysalis had long since learned to find alternative forms of sustenance instead of leeching off others. But she had never truly experienced love, never really felt it. Until she met Dan.
Chrys broke the lock, leaving Dan in awe of what had just happened. Energy surged through, more power than she'd ever felt before. She lowered her head, concentrating and her horn pulsed again. A bright emerald bubble quickly engulfed the entire train car, scant few seconds before it hit the ground.
Dan and the others braced for the inevitable impact. Twilight, still unconscious, was being held to the floor by Dan and Ozzy. Dan didn't really realize it though from having been smooched by Chrys; the action had left him practically paralyzed. This didn't help him when the train car reversed its position and the cake crate Pinkie was clinging to slid back to the wall, slamming into Dan.
The green shield impacted the surface, absorbing the blow and rebounding off the ground like a rubber ball. The train-ball was, for a brief moment like an enormous marble with a train car-shaped cat's eye in the center, bouncing a couple times and then rolling to a stop at the base of the mountain.
The shield disappeared instantly and the train car hit the ground on its wheels. A cloud of sand was thrown up from where it impacted that slowly settled along with the train's contents.
"Everybody okay?" Chrysalis asked, getting up and rubbing her head.
"Reckon om awright," Ozzy proclaimed. "Can't say the same for these two."
Chrys ran to the back of the cabin. Using a levitation spell, she moved the large cake crate off of Dan.
"Nuh...nuh... NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Pinkie screamed, breaking down as Chrysalis turned the box around. Apparently, the contents, Pinkie's cake, had shifted during 'flight'. When the crate slammed into Dan, it apparently also broke the side with the young man breaking through it. Dan's unconscious form slumped to the floor, covered in cake next to the equally unconscious Twilight.
"Dan! Dan!" Chrys shook him and brushed off the pieces of cake and icing. She looked over at Twilight and placed her hooves on both their shoulders. "Come on you guys, wake up!"
Slowly, the two came around. "Uhhhrrrr..." Dan opened his eyes, groggily.
"Dan!" Chrys shouted, relieved. She placed her hooves on his shoulders, brushing off more cake. "Are you okay?"
"Yessss..." he answered.
Pinkie sobbed into her leg. "It's not a YESSSS any more... now it's just a Y... as in the phrase, WHYYYY?!!!!!!" she cried, dramatically turning her gaze upwards.
Shaking his head, Dan stood. "What I'd like to know is HOWWWW we landed. What happened?"
"You got hit by the crate when the train flipped. After we..."
Dan scratched his head. "Why was I just standing there? For that matter, why wasn't the crate bolted down?"
Getting smacked by the box must've caused him to forget about Chrys kissing him. "Um... I don't know," Chrys quickly said. "But I was able to create a shield and get us onto the ground!" she smiled, causing the trademark squee sound effect.
"TWILIGHT!" Pinkie screeched, grabbing her friend by the shoulders. "TWILIGHT!"
"Graaaauughhhaaa..." the purple mare's eyes slowly came into focus.
"Twilight, how many hooves am I holding up?!" Pinkie demanded, waving her foreleg in Twilight's face.
"Wuu... one..." Twilight answered.
"Phew... was afraid for a moment there. Good thing you got a strong noggin there, Twilight!"
"Stronger than the train car, anyway," Ozzy added, holding up the panel that knocked her out. "My train may have a lot of tricks but without the tracks... not so much."
The others turned their attention to the doorway. Dan stepped outside followed by Twilight. The view of how dire their situation was presented itself before them; the landscape was barren. A desert of flat beige-gold stretched out into the distance with no signs of civilization or even shade to indicate a worthwhile trek into the tan expanse. Apart from a cactus or dune, nothing broke the sea of sand in front of them.
"Looks like we've gone from dessert... to just desert!" Pinkie said, popping outside.
"Pinkie, you might want to get back inside. It could be dangerous out here," Twilight quickly cautioned her friend. The 'danger' she was referring to, however happened to be the young black-haired biped standing next to her. Dan was agitated by the situation; who wouldn't be? Twilight just tried to make sure Dan didn't take that agitation out on Pinkie.
"Dessert... wait...THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!" Too late. Dan turned to Pinkie, fully prepared to vent his frustration on the zany mare.
Staring back at Dan like an animal cautiously eyeing a predator, Pinkie took a slow step back into the cabin. One step then turned into a dash as the magenta pony bolted in the cabin.
"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!! GET BACK HERE!!" Dan shouted, chasing after her. Twilight, Chrysalis and Ozzy practically had to jump to get out of the way.
"You two! This isn't the time for this!" Twilight shouted after them. Dan chased Pinkie through the train car from one end to the other. Pinkie ran out the front door and immediately ran left, Dan in hot pursuit. Pinkie then ran back around to the back end of the car as the furious biped followed her.
Thus began almost a full minute of cartoony circle chasing. The 'mulberry bush chase scenario' as its called(as of right now), played out with the other three trying to follow Pinkie and Dan with their heads each time they passed the rear of the car, each time in vain.
Twilight decided to intervene. "Enough!" she shouted. Stopping Pinkie and then Dan as he caught up to her with an energy shield, she levitated the two up to the car railing. She kept the two in an energy field to keep Pinkie from running off and Dan from strangling her.
"Dan, stop chasing Pinkie. It doesn't MATTER who's fault it is, you're not helping," Twilight scolded.
The young man folded his arms and turned away from both ponies.
"As for you," Twilight turned to Pinkie, "Stop acting so crazy about cake."
Pinkie's eyebrow rose. "You do know who you're talking to, right?"
"I DO," Twilight sternly affirmed. "You both need to calm down when these things happen. It's tough when accidents occur but when they do, we need to work together to get through them, not fight each other or try and go off on your own. Okay?"
"Okay..." the pair echoed. Relieved, Twilight released them from her spell-grip.
"Speaking o' which, if you all are quite done, I think I may have a solution to the problem," Ozzy said from inside the train car.
"Really? You can get us to Canterlot?" Chrys asked, hopeful. They all looked over to the mysterious griffon.
"Maybe. But first we have to get the car back on the tracks."
"And exactly how are we going to do that?" Dan asked, voice full of angry skepticism and doubt. "We're at the bottom of the mountain and the railroad's at the top."
"Not to mention," Twilight looked over the side of the car, "with all this sand, we wouldn't be able to get the wheels moving."
"What about the rocket boosters?" Pinkie asked.
Ozzy walked over to the side panel. "The rockets are charged by the wheels rolling on the tracks by spinning the motor and generating electricity. But if the wheels aren't spinning, the rockets won't charge. If we can't get the wheels turning, find some kind of traction, the boosters are useless."
"Wait... the cake!" Dan realized.
"NO!" Pinkie shouted. She braced herself against the remains of her box. "It's been through enough!"
"Pinkie..." Twilight cast a frown at her friend.
"Fine...." the pink mare sunk her head low, defeated.
"Go ahead, Dan."
"Pinkie, you said that cake had more strawberries per square pound than dough, right?" Dan asked.
"Yeah..."
"If that's the case, we might be able to use it to provide the wheels with some amount of traction."
Pinkie put a hoof to her chin. "If there's no other way," she sadly remarked. "but how do we get the wheels moving? Should we get out and push?"
"I don't think any of us are strong enough to push or pull the car up the mountain, with muscle or magic," Twilight remarked. "If only my brother was here..."
"Or Big Macintosh. I bet he could pull it if he was here," Pinkie added, sitting down.
Dan's eyes lit up. "Maybe he can be."
"What?"
"Chrys, if you change into Big Macintosh, do you think you'll be able to pull the car?"
Chrys clicked her hooves together nervously. "I dunno. Maybe."
"It's worth a try," Dan said, stepping into the train car. "We'll tie you to the end of the fire hose on the floor and you can try to pull us. Pinkie, Twilight and- it's Ozzy, right?"
"Aye."
"Let's start breaking open these cakes and spreading them at the base of the wheels to get some traction. After that's done, we'll push the train along while Chrys pulls and steers from the front. We ready?"
"Ready!" the others declared. They had a plan, a good one. If they all worked together, just maybe they would succeed.
"All right. Let's re-rail this train!" Dan shouted.
Chrysalis shot a hoof into the air. "Cue the montage!"
Once in a while, things happen that you don't expect Something out of the ordinary that you'd never suspect Sometimes it's not your fault but nopony is perfect But you can't avoid your problems no, you gotta be direct
Sometimes things happen that get in your way But with some help from your friends, you can make it through the day We've got to listen to each other and what we all have to say It's not easy, I know, But it'll be okayyyyyy!!
Somehow, we gotta get Back on Track! Find some way to get the way that things were back All together now let's get Back on track! Before the pressure makes us crack... we gotta get back on track!
How could it ever have come to this? Did we do something wrong? Was it something that we missed? How can we ever move forward if these problems persist? Sometimes, we all need just a little assiiiiiiiiist
Not everything in our lives is always easy At some point we all encounter difficulty It's okay to ask for help and if you do, you'll see You can accomplish any goal eventually!
Keep it going now! Let's get Back on track! Find a way through each and every single setback! All together now! Let's get Back on track! We can cover for each other if there's something we lack C'mon, let's show 'em how! Let's get Back on track Not a single step back... we're gonna get back on track!
If your progress starts to slowing There's a way to get things flowing It can be tough without knowing but when your cracks are showing You just gotta pick yourself up and get going!!
Everybody now, let's get Back on Track! We've got to find a way to get the way things were back! Let's keep it going now, let's get Back on Track!
One step after the other push a button, pull a lever We've got to help one another We can do this if we work together!
One more time now, let's get Back on Track! If we work together, we can pick up the slack! We got it going now, let's get Back on Track! There's nothing we can't do and that's a fact! We're almost there now, let's get Back on Track! We won't let the pressure make us crack... one step at a time, we're gonna get back on track!!
Slowly but steadily, the group pulled the train car to through the sand. Chrysalis, having transformed into Big Mac pulled the train using the fire hose as a makeshift harness. With the others pushing, the car trudged through the strawberry-covered ground. When they finally got it up to the base of the mountain, Ozzy activated the train car's rockets, causing them to jet up the side. The sight of a caboose riding up the side of a cliff would've surprised quite few if the only individuals around hadn't been already inside it.
In no time at all, the train car rocketed up to level with the railway, shooting over the cliff and landing right on them. The wheels automatically realigned themselves with the tracks and the caboose was re-railed once again. They were on their way to Canterlot once more as if they'd never been derailed in the first place.
"We did it... I can't believe we did it!" Dan said, voice full of relief.
"We did!" Twilight agreed. "We should be able to get to Canterlot in no time if we keep up this speed!"
"Just as long as we don't go off the rails again," Chrys commented, steadying herself in the car.
"Won't be a problem," Ozzy said, clicking a switch on the panel by the door at the front. "We'll activate the boosters in small increments to keep our speed up and stay at a nice, easy pace."
"And we couldn't have done that in the first place because...?" Dan inquired, annoyed. But the mysterious griffon in glasses just smiled back at him, a glint of something in his shades.
"Dan," Twilight grabbed his shoulders with her hooves, "we don't have to worry about that now. We're on our way to Canterlot and everything's going to be fine."
Dan paused for a moment, frowning, thinking. "You're right. I guess everything turned out all right after all."
"Of course it did," Twilight happily affirmed, patting him. "We'll be at Canterlot in no time."
"Buck, at this rate, we'll catch up to the rest of the train before we get there," Ozzy remarked at their speed.
"What happens when we catch up to them?" Chrys asked, her gaze focused out the front door.
Ozzy batted the thought away. "Oh, they're probably in Canterlot already. Not much of a chance of us reaching them now."
"You're probably right," Chrys said gleefully. The group was then quiet as the train entered another tunnel. The fire from the rocket engines' occasional jet illuminated the passage. After a minute roaring through the darkness, the train exited the tunnel out to a flatter plain of the mountain. They were nearing Canterlot. Their gazes were focused through the doorway in front of the car in eager anticipation of their arrival to the castle city.
Pinkie frowned. "Hey guys?"
The others turned to her. "Yeah, Pinkie?" Twilight asked.
"Does anyone else hear that? It sounds like another train."
Chrysalis looked out the back door. "Oh, that's probably because there's a train behind us."
"Ah," Pinkie said, understanding.
The group's eyes save for Pinkie and Chrys' went wide. "THERE'S A TRAIN BEHIND US?!"
Dan and Twilight scrambled to the back to see. Another locomotive was bearing down on them from the rear. Not just any locomotive; the very one pulling the train the car they were currently in had been attached to.
"That's the train we were on!" Pinkie shouted, pointing a hoof. The engine of the train was practically tailgating them. It would've been close enough to jump onto
"What's it doing behind us?!!" Twilight asked, exasperated.
Ozzy pushed back his shades. "Calm down, looks like we'll just beat 'em to Canterlot, eh?"
"Sure..." Twilight said, calming herself. "We'll just roll into Canterlot Station and explain to them how the caboose wound up first. That'll be easy, right?"
Chrys patted her on the back. "Not at all."
The train behind them suddenly accelerated rapidly, slamming into the front. The caboose jumped forward as its wheels were temporarily lifted slightly before crashing down on the tracks.
The three mares, griffon and bipedal alien were thrown to the floor. "They just hit us! What the heck is going on?!" Dan yelled.
A loud voice from the train's engine answered him: "I didn't expect having to use this."
"Something's going on with the train!" Chrys pointed.
Behind the locomotive, the car attached to the engine deployed some kind of machine. Slowly, a large, two-winged butterfly-shaped robot took flight. The contraption hung in the air scant few meters above the train engine, tethered to the roof of the car it had rose from. Dan and the others watched as the metal thing bobbed like a kite in midair, sunlight reflecting off its huge mirror-like wings.
"You're very lucky."
"What... what is that?!" Dan asked the question that was on all their minds. While one might assume that when presented with such strange circumstances none of them would have an answer, this was not the case.
In fact, Twilight noticed Pinkie shying away from the doorway. "Pinkie..."
"I'm sorry! I had no idea this would happen!"
"What?" Dan asked. "What do you mean? What is that thing?!"
"Remember when I told you I installed a state-of-the-art security system to safeguard the train?"
"Yes..."
"Well, this is it," Pinkie said nervously.
"Where did you get something like that?!" Dan demanded, grabbing Pinkie by the shoulders.
The pink mare turned her gaze to the side. "Radio barn..." she admitted.
Dan raised an eyebrow as he watched the silver kite-like machine hovering over the engine behind them. "What does that thing even do?"
As if to answer Dan's question for itself, the contraption launched a flurry of arrows into the air. Before Dan and the others could even tell what they were, the arrows arced towards the train car and came down on its roof. Metal points the size of tree trunks pierced the ceiling, one even coming down to touch the floor.
"Woah!" Ozzy dodged one of the spears. Brushing himself off, he quickly flew to the back of the car. Grabbing the doorway, he poked his head outside. "Oi! What the bloody hay do you think you're doin' to mah train?!"
Not knowing what else to do or maybe acting out of pure rage, Dan picked up a splintered piece of wood off the floor and hurled it at the floating bug-like object. Not that it needed to, but the train's newest attachment simply hovered out of the way, gracefully dodging the flung debris as if it had just decided to change position.
"You know of any spells that can take that thing out?!" Dan asked Twilight.
"Umm, well, I could try, maybe-" Twilight stammered, then closed her eyes. Her horn glowed with power and she unleashed a bolt of magical energy. The released ray of magic bounced harmlessly off the strange machine's armor.
"It's no good!" Pinkie shouted. "Its armor is resistant to magic!"
"Step on the gas."
The train engine lurched forward again, slamming into the back of the car and jostling them.
"You crifting plonker!!" the griffon shouted, shaking his fist at the train engine and hovering monstrosity above it. The machine responded... with silence. Ozzy's comment seemed to have confused the pilot, as well as his fellow passengers behind him.
What did he just call him? Twilight looked to the Chrysalis and Dan to see they both had equally perplexed expressions.
"What did he just say?" Twilight asked Ozzy, trying to keep her voice audible but quiet.
"He called him a plonker! It's wot ya call a right foul git who's daft as nine bob note!" Pinkie explained, grinning.
Twilight quickly turned to Chrysalis and Dan. "What did she just say?" Neither of them had an answer.
The machine's wings flared out. A hook-like protrusion flared out from the bottom and it lunged at Ozzy's train car. The hook scraped the roof, peeling off a section of the ceiling like it was wrapping paper. The occupants were again tossed about as the car shook, helpless to do anything but watch as the giant iron insect tore at their only shelter. After one quick swoop, the machine retreated again.
The ceiling above the doorway had been ripped up but still Ozzy clung to the side of it. "Oi you prick! Why the buck are you assaulting my train?! Why don't you take that bloody butterfly and sod the hay off?!!"
"Ozzy, you're not helping!" Twilight shouted.
"I don't know how long the caboose is gonna last at this rate..." Chrysalis said, examining the walls and gaping hole overhead. The car had taken a lot of abuse, including being thrown off a cliff today.
"And where exactly are we going to go?" Dan asked. "The only other train's behind us and it's being driven by a guy that's trying to kill us!"
"Wait... that's it!" Chrys suddenly exclaimed.
"What's it?" Dan and Twilight asked simultaneously.
"Look! The passenger cars," Chrys pointed a hoof towards the train. "They're still connected to the engine!"
Twilight squinted to look around the locomotive. "They are... but what about them?"
"We can teleport back into the passenger car! He'll destroy this one and we can keep on riding to Canterlot!" the changling elaborated. As she spoke, the 'state-of-the-art defense system' launched another flurry of spears at the train. A pair struck the ground to the sides of the train while flew through the hole in the roof. Twilight tried to throw up a shield to stop it but the spear plunged through her barrier and struck the floor.
"That's a great idea," Dan started, "but how do we stop him from cutting the others off?"
That was the real problem. It was clear to Twilight and the others exactly what length Samule was willing to go to defend his train. But maybe there was a way to use that to their advantage.
"Easy," Twilight said, eyes narrowed. "We cut it off ourselves."
"What?" Dan and Pinkie asked, shocked.
"We can't abandon the other passengers still in the other cars. We have to disconnect the other cars and get those ponies to Canterlot," Twilight stated, resolute.
"How do we do that?"
Twilight closed her eyes. "We teleport." She reached out with her hooves and grabbed both Dan and Chrys. They held her hooves, forming a circle. Pinkie joined in, completing it.
"Ozzy!" Chrys shouted.
"Blooming tosser! Nothin' but mouth and trousers! Fly that thing closer so I can give your bells a good two in the nine's!"
"OZZY!" she shouted again.
"Oh, we doing something else?"
"Kinda," Pinkie said. "Escaping imminent destruction, not getting maimed, and all that."
"Oh, awright," Ozzy moved to join them in a circle.
Twilight's horn glowed again and in a flash, they vanished.
Samule liked to think of himself as good at his job, the best. Committed, nopony could argue that to his duty. What others saw as "excessive" or "insane" he saw as simply means to an end. It didn't matter as long as he kept his train safe. And to be honest, he was enjoying this. He knew there was something odd about those four. Some 'princess' with them... he didn't buy any of it. Now, he had them right where he wanted them and would finally show everypony that on the rails, his authority was law. Nopony bucked with the law.
From the cockpit of his security platform, he eyed his target. The caboose in front of him had taken a lot of damage but mostly to the topside. The wheels remained undamaged. This was good as it meant the car could be salvaged once he removed the meddlers.
Grinning, he pushed forward on the control stick in front of him. The hook-like prong again dug into the roof of the renegade caboose ahead, tearing what was left of the ceiling off. But instead of finding the delinquents cowering in the remains of their car, he saw nothing. He checked the visual sensor on his controls again but they were still nowhere to be seen. Had they jumped off when he hadn't looked?
"Oi! Back here ya bloody tosser!"
Samule's attention was drawn to the rear of the train. He turned his platform around to see the five standing on the roof of the passenger car adjacent to the engine, taunting him.
He smiled; this was too easy. Keying a command on the panel in front of him, he prepared to fire one last spear.
"Okay Twilight," Chrys asked nervously, "we've got his attention. What do we do now?"
"Well," Twilight replied, equal nervousness in her voice, "we wait for him to fire one of those arrow things... and then jump out of the way."
"Jump?" Dan asked. "Why don't we teleport? We can teleport, right?"
"Umm..." Twilight was about to tell him something he wouldn't like. And he knew it.
"Umm? What does 'ummm' mean? Pinkie, did you make another cake while we were busy fighting for our lives?" Dan demanded, asking the pink earth pony as he grabbed the purple alicorn.
"No?" Pinkie replied, confused.
"Then what do you mean, Twilight?!"
"I mean," Twilight averted his gaze, "we can't teleport again."
Dan gritted his teeth and shook his head from side to side in deep frustration. "WHY NOT???!!!" he moaned.
"I can teleport myself multiple times in a row but a group this size... takes a little longer before I can teleport us all again."
Releasing Twilight, Dan dropped to his knees and pounding the roof of the train car. "WHY?! WHY DOES TELEPORTING NEVER WORK WHEN WE NEED IT?!"
"Dan," Chrys poked him, "maybe now's not the best time for you to have a breakdown?"
"Right... right," Dan said, getting to his feet. "So, what are we supposed to do again?"
"DODGE!" Pinkie shouted.
The spear came down right at their feet, hooves and claws, the entire group lunging as the tree-sized arrow pierced the ceiling. It broke through the roof, gouging a hole in it as it stuck to the floor. Another spear stuck right next to it a moment later but the five were in no danger the second time. A third landed on the dirt at the side of the tracks, sticking in the ground as the train continued by.
"Okay, now jump down!" Twilight instructed. Dan, Pinkie, Chrys and Ozzy all leapt through the hole made by the two spikes, landing inside the passenger car.
"Hey... where are all the other passengers?" Chrys asked. They looked around. The other ponies were gone but some of their luggage was still nearby. The thought that they, too had been thrown off the train came to mind.
"We'll worry about them later! We've got another problem!" Pinkie shouted. "The spear-thingies didn't cut through the floor! We need something else!"
"If only we had that tasersaber..." Dan thought aloud.
That give Chrys an idea. "Dan!" she nudged him.
"What? What is it?" he asked.
Leaning in close, she whispered something into his ear.
"Really?" he asked. Chrys nodded.
"What is it?" Pinkie asked. Chrys then whispered her plan to Pinkie. Twilight raised an eyebrow. What were they talking about? Now, of all times?
"You have a way to disconnect the cars?" Ozzy asked. Pinkie then whispered the plan to Ozzy.
"Oh... well, tha's one way, I suppose."
"What are you talking about? Do you know how we can sever the cars?" Twilight asked.
The others grinned and nodded. "As a matter of fact, we do," Dan said. "Just so happens, there's a spell we can use."
"Really?" Twilight asked, a little too eager. "What spell is it? I can caste it; just tell me!"
"It's the simple knockback spell," Chrysalis explained. "It just needs to be used multiple times in a row. And a lot. Sort of... well, you could say..."
"Rapid fire!" Pinkie said, holding her hooves and making a gesture like a machine gun.
"Oh," Twilight said, understanding but not fully realizing. "Oh..." she repeated once she'd realized.
Dan's grin grew a bit wider. "Twilight, there's a LOT I don't know about magic. But this..."
Twilight swallowed. "This is gonna hurt you a lot more than me?" she asked, thinking it was going to finish his sentence.
Dan shook his head. "No, I don't know if this is gonna hurt or not. I was saying, this is going to be really fun," he smiled quite possibly the largest smile Twilight had ever seen him express.
The purple princess swallowed again, lowered her head and pressed her legs together.
Samule was beginning to get annoyed. Were they trying to get him to destroy his own train? Well, he was a bit too smart for that. Instead of attacking again, he lowered the platform's position over the hole the meddlers had jumped down to see what they were up to. What he saw... was even more confusing.
"WAHAHAHAHA!" Dan laughed. Grabbing Twilight by legs and tail, he hoisted her to his chest and cocked her... somehow. Yanking her tail, Twilight's muscles reacted, deploying her wings to form a shield for Dan's face.
Twilight, being held by Dan, turned around for a moment. "How did you know to do that?" she asked, wondering herself.
Dan shrugged. "Pinkie says you come with a manual."
Twirling her tail, Dan used Twilight as a fully-automatic rifle. Spell bolts blasted from her horn, piercing the floor where he aimed her.
"AH HA HA HAHA!" Dan cackled.
Pinkie clapped her hooves. "Me next! Me next!"
Pieces of wood and metal flew up from the floor as magic blasted holes in the car's hull. Dan swept Twilight's fire up the sides of the walls.
"I been workin' on the railroad~ all the live-long day!" Dan began to sing. Smoke began rising from the alicorn's horn as the spells continued to puncture the walls. Twilight's wings protected Dan's face from the bits of debris flung up from the work.
Ozzy tipped down his shades. "Bloody hay..."
Finally, their work was done. Pulling Twilight up, Dan blew the smoke from Twilight's horn, making the distinct noise of air rushing over the barrel of a gun. Dan then placed his leg on the floor where he'd blasted a hole and pushed. The cars separated; the two spikes slowly fell off to the side and the engine began to race away from the passenger car.
"You know," Dan said, letting Twilight down, "I think we may have just... shot our traveling plans to pieces."
The group behind him collectively facehooved.
"One thing, though," Ozzy asked. "What's gonna happen to the rest of mai train?"
Back in the cockpit of the defense platform, Samule found himself with a strange sight. The perpetrators had apparently taken it upon themselves to disconnect the train from the rest of the cars, thereby rendering themselves unable to travel. They'd literally just done his job for him... but why? Turning the platform around, he decided he'd make a note of this for later when he discussed it with his superiors at the Equestrian Rail Administration. They'd probably promote him for this.
He turned his attention back to the train. It was just then he noticed another tunnel coming up. He quickly realized that the platform, while flying wouldn't make the clearance for the tunnel. Acting fast, he reached for the emergency brake in his cockpit with his hoof. He opened the panel however to find... a cake. His eyes went wide.
Dan and the others watched from a safe distance as the train engine rolled down the tracks towards the tunnel.
"There are no brakes... only cakes..." Pinkie whispered to herself. The locomotive raced into the tunnel with the bug-like defense system still attached to it. Its wingspan didn't fit the tunnels entrance; as the system was pulled inside by the train, the wings snapped off like twigs. The small platform's cockpit bounced along the rails, still connected to the engine's roof by the tether with Samule L. Jackson being bounced around the inside like a ragdoll. This entire process lasted about three whole seconds before the train exploded.
The five passengers at the front of the two cars had to brace themselves. The explosion from the tunnel directly ahead of them collapsed the entrance and sent shockwaves through the ground. But they were at a safe enough distance that none of them were hurt when the train exploded and slowly, their own car came to a stop just before the train tunnel.
Ozzy removed his glasses. "Well... I'm gonna miss my train. But if she had to go... Om glad it was a massive esplosion. It's they way she'd have wanted it."
"Yeah..." Dan said, apathetic. "So, how are we going to get to Canterlot now?"
Twilight put a hoof on Dan's shoulder. "I think we're going to have to walk."
Dan smiled. "That sounds pretty good."
"Yeah," Ozzy agreed, stretching. "Don worry about the other passengers; I'll reverse the cars, get 'em back to Ponyville and apologize for the inconvenience. They'll be right as rain by tomorrow."
"Thanks Ozzy," Chrys said. It was nice knowing that at least one of the two strangers they'd met on this trip was a nice guy even if they were both crazy. Together, the biped and three ponies disembarked the train car. As the two passenger cars started to pull away, heading back to Ponyville powered by rockets, Dan and the others waved at their new friend Ozzy Osbarn.
One thing was bothering Twilight though. "Ozzy!" she called.
"Wot is it luv?"
"When we found you," she shouted, "what were you doing at the back of the train?"
Ozzy grinned. "It's like I told ya; I stepped outside for some air... and a slice of Pinkie's cake!"
Pinkie's jaw hit the floor. "WHAAAT?!! YOU SNUCK A PIECE OF MY CAKE?!!" she yelled at him.
Ozzy cupped his beak and yelled back, "YESSSSS!"
Pinkie broke down to her knees. "WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!"
The others didn't say anything to her; just helped her up carefully and together they set out, following the train tracks to Canterlot. It took them about an hour and a half, walking around the mountain but eventually they made their way to the castle city as the sun set.
Dan marveled at the castle; he'd seen the city before but seeing it at a distance, it was like he was looking at it for the first time. "Wow... why don't we come here more often?"
He didn't realize the implications of what he'd just said so Pinkie had to point it out to him. "The train ride's a bit of a hassle."
Dan nodded in agreement. "Good point."
Chrysalis' eyes were wide as she stared at the castle. "It's been a long time since I was here."
Twilight placed a hoof on her shoulder, knowing exactly what she was remembering. "I know. But I hope this time will be a bit more enjoyable," she said, trying to encourage some hopefulness.
But Twilight didn't need to encourage anything. Chrysalis smiled and said, "I believe it will be. Getting here might've been a challenge... but the company definitely makes it worth it."
Twilight smiled back; she couldn't agree more.
Next time on an all new Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship...
"We finally made it!"
"At last. Now we can... wait, what's that?"
"All visitors to the castle must pass by security checkpoint."
Dan and the gang arrive in Canterlot to find the entire city on high alert!
"I've never seen so many guards before..."
"I know! It's like days ah vu!"
"That's deja vu, Pinkie."
"Deja who?"
"VU!"
"Well, I'm sure they'll be willing to make an exception for-"
"HALT!"
But don't let security Danpen your enthusiasm!
"Sir, I'm sorry but you've been selected for random screening."
"What does that even mean?!"
"I'm gonna have to ask you to step over to the side, sir."
Because getting in is only half the battle...
"Seriously?! This is your plan?!"
"You got any better ideas, Dan?"
"That depends; are you trying to get us over the wall or are you TRYING TO GET US ALL KILLED?!"
Next episode: Dan Vs. A Canterlot Lockdown! Get ready to storm the gates!
"Do you have any baggage to declare?"
"Emotional, physical or magical friendship ponical?"
Peter and Lois Griffin were watching television when a very different program appeared on the screen.
"Hey look," Peter said, "it's Dan Vs. with one of those really long opening credit sequences."
Twilight Sparkle knows a lot about magic; she loves studying and making new friends!
Rarity's a major fashionista, always making dresses and following trends!
Applejack's so strong and honest, she's really hardworking and would never tell a lie!
Rainbow Dash is athletic and loyal and just like her confidence, she soars through the sky!
Pinkie Pie's a real party animal, she loves singing and dancing and baking up cakes!
Fluttershy's kind to all the creatures, she'll make a connection, whatever it takes!
"And then there's Dan."
Princess Celestia's an awesome ruler, even one time she sent her sister to the moon!
"What the hell?"
Octavia is a first-class cellist, you'll never find her playing out of tune!
Princess Luna's been gone for a while but she's gonna make sure Equestria hears her voice!
"And then there's Dan!"
Vinyl Scratch is an incredible DJ and she's never shy about playing your song choice!
And then there's Dan! *chorus* And then there's Dan! And then there's Dan! *and then there's Dan! The hot as Cajun, super-ragin', can't up stage him Dan, oh Dan!
"Ah, AH! There it is!...Ah! That was an ordeal!"
Our four weary travelers followed the train tracks all the way into Canterlot. When the earthen surface changed to cobblestone and concrete, the group switched from rail to road, entering the city streets.
"We... we finally made it," Dan said, tired.
"I don't think I'll be taking the train again... for a while, at least," Twilight remarked, her own voice heavy with fatigue. They were all exhausted from the trip; the train ride alone had been enough of an ordeal, that plus the walk from the collapsed train tunnel to Canterlot had taken a lot out of them. Having at last reached the city as the sun went down, they were all collectively eager to find some place to crash for the night.
Chrysalis stopped walking. "Wait! Umm..."
The others turned to her. "Chrys, we're all tired. Do you REALLY need to stop us now that we're finally in Canterlot?" Dan asked.
"Well, that's the thing..." Chrys clipped her hooves together nervously. "This is the first time I've been in Canterlot since..."
Twilight's eyes went wide as she began to understand. "Chrys, it's going to be okay. We know you're not evil any more; you're good now. Everypony's forgotten about what happened at the wedding," Twilight consoled her.
Chrys looked up at Twilight. "Everypony?"
To be honest with herself, Twilight wasn't sure. The reformation of Queen Chrysalis hadn't exactly been publicized. While those closest to Twilight knew of the Queen's redemption, greater Equestria was still aware of Chrysalis only as a heinous war criminal who had attempted to conquer Canterlot two years ago. As far as everypony else had been concerned, the changlings and their ruler were vile creatures and villains who had been vanquished by Twilight, her friends, her brother and his wife, Cadence.
"Why would anypony have a problem with Chrys?" Dan asked. Having only arrived in Equestria after the beginning of season 3, Dan was largely unaware of what had transpired in the world before he started living with Twilight. To Dan, Chrys and Fluffle Puff were just houseguests of the purple princess like himself.
Twilight turned to him, looking for the right words. "Dan, it's..."
"It'll take too long to explain," Chrys quickly said.
"If they're going to have a problem with you, why don't you just change into somepony else?" Dan asked, matter-of-factly. "Why is it I always have to remind you and Twilight you can do these things?!"
Chrys practically facehooved. "Dan, that's actually the perfect idea." In fact, it was a little TOO perfect; this was exactly how she'd infiltrated Canterlot the first time. But there was no time to worry about that now. "Who should I change into?"
"Oooh! Turn into me again!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Hmm..." Twilight thought. Who would be the perfect pony to accompany them? Maybe her brother or Cadence? Was it too early to suggest that?
"Can't you just turn into a pony version of yourself?" Pinkie asked.
That actually stung a bit. "Pinkie, I am a pony."
"I thought you were a-" Pinkie was interrupted by Twilight stuffing a hoof in her mouth. But Pinkie might've actually had the right idea.
"Chrys, is there any way we can make you look... like, not a changling?" Twilight asked, trying to be sensitive.
Pinkie spat out Twilight's hoof. "That's easy! All you need is some paint over your coat, a nice wig, maybe a saddle for the wings and something to cover up your holes!"
Chrys raised an eyebrow. "My... holes?"
The pink mare grabbed the queen's forelegs and held them up for her to see. "These!" Chrysalis looked at the perforations on her hooves. She knew about them, naturally but didn't think much about them.
Chrys pulled her legs away from Pinkie. "Okay, so what can we cover them up with?"
"I know!" Pinkie popped a pair of Oreos in both the holes on Chrys's hooves. "There we go."
Twilight shook her head. "Pinkie, that's not gonna-wait, where did you get those Oreos?"
Dan looked at Twilight. "You're really asking HER that question?"
The purple alicorn looked down in futility. "You're right... bad idea." Rule number 1 when trying to understand Pinkie Pie: don't try.
"This is ridiculous," Chrys stated. "I'll just turn into Cadence again." Green flames erupted around the Queen and instantly she changed into the princess. Scalded Oreos were flung from the flash, disintegrating into ash. The classic Nabisco cookies were designed for milk, not magic.
"Great, that solves that. Can we get going now?" Dan asked, beginning to lose patience.
"Yes, let's go," Twilight nodded, thankful that ordeal was over for now. But it did bring up other questions. How were they going to explain Chrysalis to everypony? Was this a bad time to tell Chrysalis she hadn't exactly informed her brother and Cadence about her living with them? Too many questions; hopefully, she'd be able to meet with Princess Celestia and get some idea of how to proceed. Together, the four walked further into the city.
Being one of the most opulent cities in Equestria, Canterlot was also a very large city by pony standards. While Dan had been in larger cities on Earth, he'd also mostly driven places and hadn't had to walk. After twenty minutes of walking through the busy streets and still not being close to the castle, the group's exhaustion levels were being pushed to the limit.
"Look... Canterlot Castle..." Chrysalis pointed a hoof in front of them. Although it seemed close, the lavish palace was actually still a good distance away. A distance none of them were in the mood to make.
"I... I don't think I'll be able to make it," Twilight said, hooves quivering.
"Me... neither," Dan added. The four looked like they'd been through the ringer. Manes and hair were frazzled and out of place, Dan's shoes were coming apart and Pinkie was collapsed on the pavement. It took a moment for the others to notice her.
"Pinkie, get up," Twilight said, urging her friend with her hoof. Pinkie was sprawled on the street on her back, eyes shut. Twilight's horn glowed to try and move her but only managed to lift her tail, which quickly fell back down again. "I'm too tired to do magic."
"Ho...tel," Chrys's mouth began to form words. "Hotel, let's find a hotel. Some place to stay; we can head to the castle in the morning."
"Good idea," Twilight wearily agreed. Dan nodded his own approval and together, the other three carried Pinkie to the nearest inn with vacancy.
As luck would have it, they didn't have to look far. Finding a place to stay was easy enough but even more surprising was the fact that Twilight's princess-ness actually paid off for once. Checking in for at a hotel near the train station, the staff was overjoyed to serve authentic royalty. The room itself was charged to Canterlot Castle's own private accounts and a pair of clerks carried Pinkie down the hallway to it. Dan would've been impressed if he wasn't so exhausted.
Upon reaching their room, the three conscious members of the group immediately noticed a problem.
"There's only one bed!" Dan exclaimed, his voice hoarse from fatigue.
A purple field of magic gripped the bed but quickly dissipated.
Dan and Chrys both turned to Twilight. "What were you trying to do?"
"Were you trying to cut the, the bed in half?" Chrys was about to fall over from exhaustion.
"YES!" Twilight yelled. "I WAS TRYING TO CUT THE BED IN HALF! I don't need any more problems right now!" she huffed. Dan and Chrys looked a bit frightened at her. "I'm sorry... I'm really tired."
"It's all right," Dan said with a yawn. "Let's all just go to sleep."
"Wait," Chrys stopped them, "help me with Pinkie."
The three propped the sleeping Pinkie into bed and slid under the covers alongside her. In any other circumstance, this situation would make at least two of them uncomfortable. But after all that had happened, they were too tired to raise any objection. Snuggled together with their heads on the same pillows, Twilight had just enough magic to turn off the lights as the they went to sleep.
The rest of the night was quiet, allowing the quartet an evening of uninterrupted rest. They slept peacefully, snoring and dreaming of a relaxing, fun day to come. It probably was the best night's sleep the group had ever gotten outside their library home.
At the same time in Ponyville, Spike and Fluffle Puff were curled up in the overturned tree house, sleeping themselves. The pair had actually made negative progress in fixing the home, though this was understandable considering the tree had fallen over and the only real tools at their disposal were construction paper and glitter glue(being so young, neither Spike nor Fluffle were allowed to use supplies other than from the arts and crafts store).
The next morning was equally peaceful. Warm, cozy and comfortable still in the luxurious hotel bed, Dan had a smile on his face as his eyes opened. The smile quickly turned to a frown as he realized Chrys's limbs were wrapped around him and she was nuzzled into his hair.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"I'M SORRY PRINCESS!" Twilight snapped awake.
"Dan, what's wrong-why are you yelling?!" Chrys asked, jostled awake herself. "IT'S TOO EARLY FOR THIS!"
The young man scrambled out of bed as the two mares were startled.
"You had your hooves wrapped around me! You were practically breathing in my ear!!"
"Oh, uh, I'm sorry, Dan," Chrys blushed. "I sometimes get a little... clingy at night."
"Clingy?! That's what you call almost drooling down my neck?!!"
"Dan, please calm down," Twilight said, wiping the sleep out of her eyes. What would've been worse- waking up with an Ursa Major in the room or Dan shouting?
"I'll calm down when I get my own room! I'm not sharing a bed with either of you... or ANYPONY for the rest of the trip!" Dan declared. He'd clearly been shaken up about this though it was probably just because of the odd sleeping arrangement rather than anything to do with Chrys or Twilight.
"We'll each have our own rooms when we get to the castle," Twilight said groggily. "Princess Celestia will take care of everything, I'm sure."
Chrys smiled, though couldn't help but feel a small amount of discomfort. It just seemed odd that Twilight thought of Canterlot Castle as a safe place, of Tia as somepony that was so capable. This odd feeling was strange for Queen Chrysalis until she realized what it was: concern. She was concerned about her friend, Twilight Sparkle.
This wasn't normal nervousness or anxiousness at something to be fixed; this was a deep concern. Despite that Twilight Sparkle had become a princess herself, she still saw Princess Celestia as a mentor and teacher, a guide that would always be there.
A guide that Queen Chrysalis had beaten. Chrys's eyes went wide as she realized exactly what she was concerned with; Twilight Sparkle put too much faith in Princess Celestia. All of a sudden, it all seemed to make sense. Chrys could tell Twilight's friends new it as well, even Dan from the way he talked to her on the train. The feeling of discomfort settled itself in Chrys' stomach and sat there like a piece of ice. This feeling was something she didn't know how to get rid of but now was entirely sure of why she felt it.
Princess Celestia had ruled Equestria for over a thousand years, almost as long as Chrys had been imprisoned underneath Canterlot. Chrys remembered what Equestria was like back then, simpler times. During her time as ruler, Celestia had freed Equestria from tyranny on multiple occasions, triumphed over many obstacles, prevented many disasters and imprisoned her own sister in the moon. She raised the sun and moon for centuries, preserved harmony in Equestria alone. She had also trained students like Twilight in magic, understanding and harnessing powers for the good of all in this world.
It was hard not to see ponies like Twilight so devoted to Celestia. But her power was not without limits. During the wedding two years ago, Chrysalis had been so empowered by Shining Armor's love for his wife she had been able to defeat the princess in single combat. If not for Cadence and Shining Armor using that same power against her, Canterlot would have fallen to Queen Chrysalis and her changlings.
But Twilight and her friends had saved the day. Chrys was actually thankful for that fact but she couldn't shake the feeling that... Twilight placed a little too much faith in the princess. She wondered how Celestia felt, if she knew how faithful her student was. Was she doing this on purpose? It was almost as if... but Chrys couldn't be sure; she hadn't seen Celestia in two years. She only had the reactions of Twilight's friends to tell her she was right, that they felt the same thing. And Chrys was Twilight's friend too, right? That's why she was concerned. Another realization hit her: she was Twilight Sparkle's friend.
Wow. That felt weird... but nice. Chrys decided she would ask Twilight's other friends, tell them her concerns. But who to ask first? Well, probably telling Twilight she was worried was a good idea and she still had concerns she could always ask-
"Where's Pinkie Pie?" Chrys asked, noticing the pink mare wasn't among them.
Twilight and Dan both looked around, equally surprised. "I don't know. She was in bed with us last night," Twilight said, lifting up the covers.
"Pinkie?" Dan asked aloud. There was no telling what Pinkie Pie was going to do next; she could try to surprise them with a wake-up party or she could be baking them various goods for breakfast. Dan checked under the bed, half-expecting to get blasted by a party cannon. But she wasn't there. Checking the bathroom, the closet, all the dresser drawers, the space behind the t.v and even all 89 channels on the t.v yielded no results. Pinkie was gone.
"Pinkie Pie!" Twilight shouted.
"Chrys, give me a leg up," Dan said, positioning himself in the middle of the room. The changling queen moved to assist him immediately and Twilight knew Dan was clearly checking the ceiling vent next. While Twilight would've thought that a bit excessive in any other circumstance, this was Pinkie Pie. However, she thought she had an idea of where her zany pink friend might be already. Then, she found the note on her nightstand that proved it.
"You guys, wait," Twilight stopped them, reading the note in pink.
Dan, in the middle of tearing off the ceiling grate with a toenail clipper and Chrys lifting him both looked over to Twilight.
"I think she might've left a note."
"What's it say?" Chrys asked, walking over. Unfortunately, she forgot she was still supposed to be holding Dan up.
"Wait! Wai- AAAAHHH!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Dan now dangled from the unhinged ceiling vent. It detached under his weight and he fell, faceplanting on the floor.
Chrys quickly ran back over to him. "Sorry Dan *yawn*. I just woke up."
"Yeah," Dan remarked, his voice muffled from his face being against the carpeting. "I think that might have been a mistake."
"Wait, what was a mistake? Removing the ceiling grate or waking up?"
"Yes."
Twilight continued looking over the pink note. It read very clearly in all capital letters:
TWILIGHT-
And that was it. Twilight turned it over. Nothing was on the back. She flipped it over again; why did Pinkie write her name and nothing else?
"What does it say, Twilight?" Chrys asked, stepping forward.
"My name... and that's it," Twilight answered, confused.
"That's it?" Dan questioned, picking himself off the floor.
"That's all. This isn't like her. It's like she started writing and then stopped in the middle for some reason."
"Why would she stop in the middle of-" It was in that moment that Dan was asking that question that Pinkie fell from the ceiling grate.
"Pinkie?!" Twilight gasped. "What are you doing?! You're acting even more... you than normal!"
"I'm sorry!" Pinkie apologized. "Thanks for breaking my fall, Dan."
"Don't mention it..." Dan replied, his face muffled once again by the floor. "That was a mistake."
Chrys raised an eyebrow. "Wait... standing under the grate, removing the grate, waking up or-"
Dan, his face muffled for the second time said, "Yes, once again, yes. NOW GET OFF OF ME!" he pushed Pinkie aside. "What the hex where you doing in the air vent?!"
"I'm sorry!" Pinkie recoiled. "I wanted to get to the castle early so I could bake another cake. So I started to write a note but I only got to TWILIGHT before-" she ran towards the window and pulled back the curtains, "I saw this!"
Twilight, Chrys and Dan walked over to see what Pinkie was talking about. All three gasped at what they saw; Canterlot.
"Pinkie..." Twilight asked. "What are we looking for?"
"You don't see it? Look!" Pinkie pointed.
Following her gesture, the three narrowed their gazes to see what she was talking about.
"I still don't see what you're- oh, wait," Chrys said. She noticed a long procession of ponies leading up the street, a line that must've stretched at least a block from what she could see.
"So? They're standing in line," Dan remarked. "New restaurant, movie or something? Is the circus in town?"
"No," Pinkie answered. "That's the line to get in Canterlot Castle!"
"What?"
"That's the line to the castle?" Twilight asked, shocked. She'd lived in Canterlot for the majority of her life and she'd never seen a line to get into the castle. She remembered reading about long lines during the food shortages, when ponies had to ration supplies during the famine. But having a supply shortage overnight didn't seem possible. Whatever this was, it didn't seem right.
Pinkie nodded in affirmation. "And it's only gotten longer since this morning. The moment I saw it, I panicked! I can't get into Canterlot, won't be able to make another cake, nopony will ever want my business again and I'll wind up in Game & Watch Gallery in one of those-"
Chrysalis giggled. "Pinkie, I really don't think-"
The pink mare grabbed Chrys' face. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I sunk two-hundred and fifty-thousand bits into that cake!"
"Wait, you did what Pinkie?" Twilight asked.
"I took out a loan from the First National Cloudbank of Cloudsdale to bake that cake! With the money I made from it getting eaten at the party, I would've almost doubled my initial investment!"
Chrys scratched her chin. "Wait, how did you get up to Cloudsdale?"
"Dashie took me."
"Ah."
"I put my house up as collateral for the loan! If I don't make any money at the party... I'll have to move back in with my parents!" Pinkie broke down.
Dan folded his arms. "Sounds like you made a big... miscake."
Chrys turned to him. "Dan, this is no time for puns."
"Pinkie," Twilight knelt down to Pinkie, "this is the reason why you were so protective of that cake, isn't it?"
She nodded, her head hung low. "I knew I wouldn't be able to make another cake in time for the party so... I tried to hide in the air conditioning vent."
Twilight lifted up her friend's chin and smiled. "Pinkie, you know if you needed help, all you'd have to do is ask us."
Sniffling slightly, she looked up at Twilight. "You really think we'll be able to get in and bake another cake in time?"
"Absolutely," Chrys stated. "Even if we have to use the caves underneath Canterlot to get there."
"We shouldn't have to," Twilight said, returning her attention to the window. "Why is there such a long line, anyway?"
"This doesn't make any sense," Dan assessed. "Is the only working bathroom in this town inside the castle or is your brother's wedding just that popular?"
"I don't understand," Twilight admitted. "There wasn't any line at the wedding, there shouldn't be one now. Why is everypony standing in line to get into the castle?"
"Well, we're not going to find out up here," Chrysalis said. "And the line's certainly not going to get any shorter..."
"Not if it's like any amusement park I've ever been to. Let's get down there and see why everypony's wasting their time," Dan said, walking to the door. The others followed him out, none of them bothering to replace the ceiling grate. Outside, the end of the line had just reached the end of the hotel as more ponies wandered from the streets to join it.
Dan looked down the street, trying to gage how truly long the queue was. "From here, I can't even see the end."
Twilight approached a white, brown-maned stallion in line. "Excuse me, but what is this line for?"
"There's a big reunion party that's going to be happening at the castle. Royal guests from all over are attending and everypony in town's been invited," he answered.
A shades-wearing brown stallion behind him tapped him on the shoulder. "I thought this was the line for the raffle."
The white pony turned around. "Michael, there's not going to be a raffle. I told you already!"
"Then why did that guy sell me all these raffle tickets?"
The two colts continued arguing as the line moved forward a couple inches.
"Reunion party?" Twilight asked herself. "There wasn't anything about a reunion party in the note."
"I'm confused," Pinkie said. "I thought we were here for your brother's anniversary, not a reunion. Wait," she stopped, realizing. "WE WEREN'T INVITED TO THE REUNION PARTY! HURRY, WE HAVE TO GET IN LINE!"
Pinkie immediately shoved her friends out of the way and took position at the end of the procession. She immediately adopted a pace of nervous waiting while the line lurched another painfully slow and short length forward.
"What do you think we should do, Twilight?" Chrys asked.
Once again, Twilight didn't know what she should do. She only knew what she was going to do. Her brow furrowed. "Whatever's going on in the castle, we're going to it."
"I know," Chrys said, "but what are we going to do about the line?" She actually did have a good point. It was massive, long and rivaled that of both the lines of the "Occupy Barn St." protest and the release of the PiePhone 6.
"Hmph. Not like it's our problem," Dan said, folding his arms.
Three puzzled mares turned their heads to him. "Um, what makes you say that, Dan?" Pinkie asked.
Dan smiled at them confidently. "In case you guys forgot AGAIN, we HAPPEN to be the special friends of a princess, remember?"
"Oh, right!" Chrys exclaimed, happy. While Twilight didn't act like it often, or at all really, she was still a princess.
"So let's head to the front of the line and find out what's going on!" Dan said, marching in the direction of the castle's front gates.
Chrys reached out a hoof to stop Dan. "Wait, Dan we should probably let-" But it was too late; Dan was already heading down the street. "... Twilight go first." She let her hoof fall to the ground.
"It's hard to stop him when he's got his mind made up," Twilight commented.
"Yeah... he acts like a princess more than you do, Twilight," Chrys said, walking off to follow Dan.
"I know... hey, wait, what's that supposed to mean?" Twilight asked. But it was too late for her as well; Chrys was already down the road, catching up to Dan and leaving Twilight with a puzzled look on her face.
Pinkie put a foreleg around Twilight's shoulder. "Boy, there's no predicting those two, huh?"
Compared to Ponyville, Canterlot seemed almost modern to Dan. Admittedly this was the second city on Equestria Dan had ever seen but even then, he could tell this place was very different from Ponyville. The architecture of the town, from the cobblestone roads to the curvature of the structures and banners all conveyed regality, luxury and a sense of pride that Dan hadn't ever seen before, not even on Earth. To him, Canterlot felt like it was half country club, half museum all around an outdoor museum.
To be honest, Dan liked Canterlot. He liked all of Equestria he'd seen so far; the whole world seemed so pure, free of the irritations Earth was full of. At the same time though, Equestria seemed to have its own annoyances Dan and the others were forced to deal with.
Comparatively, ponies seemed to be at harmony with their world, sharing a union with nature that complemented and supported their society and the environment, a peaceful balance. However, this relationship also lead to the ponies act differently when that balance was upset: during times of crisis, they tended to panic or behave irrationally, losing control when difficult circumstances arose. Humans seemed to be better at dealing with larger problems, uniting only when necessary. So the main difference was that ponies dealt with the day-to-day operations better while humans were better at handling big issues. Big issues like absurdly long lines.
"Please have all baggage open and ready for inspection," a royal guard stallion spoke over the crowd as Dan approached. The single line of ponies led under a large, green tent at the end of the road with tables set up underneath. Carts, bags, crates and all forms of luggage were being inspected by royal guards. Each article was examined carefully at different table stations before ponies were allowed to exit the tent and continue to the castle beyond.
Dan rolled his eyes and sighed heavily at the display; it reminded him of the security setup of airports back on Earth. He understood the need for such measures(he didn't agree but he sympathized) on Earth but that was just the problem; this wasn't Earth. Ponies had magic, some of them could FLY. Why were they all funneled into ONE LINE? Why couldn't there be a special queue for pegasi ABOVE the street or unicorns who could TELEPORT? Instead, all ponies, even ones without any baggage, were pointlessly forced into one procession making it so long it literally stretched down the street. Needlessly inefficient bureaucracy seemed to be a common part of both Earth and Equestria.
Even more annoyed than was when he woke up this morning, he walked to the side of the tent to a group of royal guards monitoring the procession.
"Excuse me? Hey!" Dan wasn't used to waiting to get someone's or somepony's attention. "What is all this for?" he asked, his voice frustrated as he gestured to the line behind him.
One of the royal guards turned around and approached him. "I'm sorry sir, the castle's currently under lockdown status. If you're going to be attending the celebration, you're going to have to wait in line."
"Hold on," Dan stopped him, "Why is the castle under lockdown status?"
"Oh, well," the blue-maned stallion paused for a moment as if considering if he should tell Dan, "there was an incident on the railroad yesterday, something about a train exploding and blocking the tracks. We've had to step up security until we learn more about the situation, find out whoever's responsible."
Dan's eyes went wide. Obviously, the guard was referring to the train he and the others had been on yesterday but from the way he acted, he didn't seem fully aware of what had transpired or who was involved. Dan decided it was probably for the best if he didn't find out from him.
"Uhm... yeah, that's probably a good idea," Dan rubbed the back of his neck, nonchalantly changing the subject. "So, how long do you think the wait to get in is?"
"Around two hours."
"TWO HOURS?!" Dan's jaw practically dropped as he shouted. Not a chance he was spending two hours outside standing in line to get into the Equestrian-equivalent to the White House, which as far as he was concerned, might as well have been a three-ring circus. Or Carnegie Hall.
"That's a rough estimate," the guard admitted a tad nervously.
"Well, uh, wait," Dan thought quickly. There had to be an exception for guests of royalty. "I just so happen to be attending the festivities with a princess!"
The guard chuckled. "Really? You, too?"
"Uh," Dan felt a lump hit his throat. Of course; this was Canterlot. He should've known it would be packed with royals. There went using Twilight's status to get them anything, once again. Thanks O Celestia.
"I'm sorry but w really can't make exceptions for royalty, especially after Prince Blueblood made a scene... so, if there's nothing else-"
"Hey Dan!" a pony called from up the street, trotting towards them. Dan immediately recognized it as Chrys in her Cadence disguise.
"Hey Chrys," Dan said, his voice sounding defeated. They were running out of options but maybe Chrys could turn into somepony that could help them slip past the guards. Maybe even-
"Cadence?" the royal guard asked, stepping in front of Dan as she approached. "I thought you were in the castle."
Chrys almost stopped dead in her tracks. "I... uh... um..."
The guard approached her. "Is everything okay? I don't know how much longer I'm going to be what with us so short staffed."
Dan could tell something was wrong but he couldn't tell what. Chrys' Cadence disguise was blushing horribly, even sweating as the uniformed stallion got closer.
"Did you come out here just to see me?" the guard asked in a coy tone.
"Um... you don't-" Chrys stammered.
"I won't be too much longer. I promise," he leaned in close to kiss her.
Dan's jaw practically hit the pavement. This guard, whoever he was just kissed Chrys right on the lips. He practically watched the embrace in slow motion and for a reason he couldn't explain, his fists involuntarily balled themselves.
"SHININNG!" a voice from up the street shouted.
"Twily!" the guard broke the kiss, much to Chrys' thanks.
Twilight's own face looked panicked, concerned as she ran up to Dan and the two ponies.
"Shining, I can explain-"
"Twily, it's so good to see you!" the guard hugged Twilight. "What happened, Twi? We were expecting you yesterday."
Twilight, looking no less nervous, rubbed the back of her neck. "It's.. it's a long story."
The guard chuckled again. "I'll bet. You can tell us all about it in the castle, right Cadence?"
"R-right," Chrys said, swallowing hard.
"Does this mean we won't have to stand in line?" Dan asked, hopeful.
The guard turned to face him. "Wait, who are you? Are you with-"
"I'm Dan," he quickly interjected, "and I'm here with my close, personal friends, Princess Twilight Sparkle, Chrys and Pinkie Pie."
"Ah," the guard said, seeming to understand. "Well, any friend of my lil sis is a friend of mine."
Dan smiled. "Well, I'm happy to-wait," he paused. "You're 'lil sis'?"
Twilight stepped forward. "Dan, this is... um, my brother, Shining Armor."
"It's nice to meet you," Shining said, sticking out his hoof for shaking.
Eyebrow raised, Dan grabbed the appendage and shook. "Likewise..."
"And this is my wife, Princess Cadence," Shining said, snuggling into Chrys. The queen's eyes jolted as discomfort returned to her.
"Wait, no, that's not your wife," Dan said. He thought it best to clear up the issue now.
"Dan..." Twilight stepped forward, trying to stop him but it was too late.
"That's my wi- I mean," Dan tripped over his own words, "that's our friend, Chrys. Err, Queen Chrysalis or something."
Shining laughed at Dan's revelation. "What? That's not-wait... wha-" his smile quickly faded, something approaching shock dawning on his face. Slowly, Shining turned towards Chrys. "I..."
Deciding it was enough, Chrys dropped the disguise. In a bright flash, green flames engulfed her and she transformed back to her changling form.
"Um... hi Shining... err, Prince Shining Armor," Chrys said, grinning nervously and shaking.
The shock had not left Shining's face. He took a couple steps back in horror. The crowd behind them let out a collective gasp and also backed a bit away.
"What are they all staring at?" Dan asked, not understanding.
Twilight moved to her brother's side, putting a hoof around his shoulders. "Shining, I can explain. Queen Chrysalis-"
And that was when Prince Shining Armor passed out.
"-is reformed," Twilight finished. Her brother's body fell on its side in the street, hitting the ground with a plop.
"Was it something I said?" Dan asked.
"Not... exactly," Chrys answered. She and Twilight knelt down to tend to Shining, checking on him.
"Ch-ch-ch-changling!" a pony resembling David Bowie shouted and pointed. Three other ponies with him screamed, "Run away no jutsu!" as they fled down the street. The crowd soon followed, panicking and galloping away from the scene.
Royal guards ran to the fallen Shining Armor. "Your majesty!"
"He's out cold," Twilight explained as they knelt down.
Dan smiled, noticing the line was gone. The path to the castle was clear; he could see into the castle. "Hey! The line's gone, we can head on into the castle. Whatever we did, we should've done that-"
"The three of you are under arrest!!"
In a payphone booth across the street...
"Hey, we have another problem."
"What is it now? Did they get there yet?"
"Yeah, they're in the city but they've been arrested."
"What?! How?!"
"The queen was exposed right in front of Shining Armor and he fainted. The guards are taking them to the station right now."
"Hmm... this isn't good."
"I know. It looks like they're going to be stuck there for a while."
"We can't allow that. We have to get him into the castle."
"What do you want me to do? I could probably bust them out if I tried."
"No, it's too risky. We can't let them know we're watching them, not yet."
"What should I do?"
".."
"Boss?"
"I think I can take care of it."
"What? What if they recognize you?"
"I'll make sure they don't see me."
"How are you going to pull that off?"
"You know who this is you're talking to, right?"
"... right, so what do you want me to do?"
"I need you to distract the guards, do something to get them out of the station. Once our friends get out, they're going to need a way over the wall so make sure they have something helpful nearby."
"Right, I'll take care of it."
"Call me when you're done. Once we get them into the castle, I think it might be a good time to get a closer look at our developments."
"What are you planning on doing?"
"You'll see. When the time comes, they should make the connection on their own. We might have to give them a little more... encouragement but we should have an indication of how much more we need to do in a couple days."
Inside the guardhouse...
"Please, you don't understand," Twilight pleaded. The royal guards didn't respond; they continued practically pushing, shoving and carrying Twilight, Dan and Chrys through the hall of the first floor of the guardhouse.
"Aren't you going to at least tell us 'we have the right to remain silent'?" Dan asked.
"You assaulted a prince of the royal court of Equestria, you're in association with a changling-"
"Um, Queen*" Chrys corrected as she was hauled.
"Wait, that was my brother!" Twilight tried to explain. "We didn't assault him! I swear!"
One of the guards shot an angry glance at the purple captive. "Prince Shining Armor would never faint in front of an enemy of Equestria! The former captain of the guard, ruler of the Crystal Empire, no threat in the city could make him simply... pass out! This is clearly the result of some sort of dark magic!"
"Dark magic?!" Dan shouted, exasperated as his hands were clasped behind his back by spell bindings, "I WAS THERE! HE FAINTED LIKE A PRE-MED STUDENT SEEING BLOOD FOR THE FIRST TIME! FOR ALL YOU KNOW, HE COULD'VE BEEN OUT IN THE SUN FOR TOO LONG!"
Unlike the hotel they'd stayed in last night, the guardhouse's interior was completely absent of lavish furnishings of any kind. The drab, gray walls exuded none of the opulence of the architecture on the outside. Dan understood right away; this is what passed for jail in Canterlot, or at least a holding area where suspected criminals waited transfer to a major correctional facility. A police station complete with its own cells and he and the others were its newest inmates. This was not the first time Dan had paid a visit to such a facility.
"But wait!" Twilight begged one last time as they pushed her and the others into the cell, "I'm a... I'm a princess!"
"Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge, changlings," the guard said, locking the cell door behind them.
Twilight ran up and gripped the bars. "But we're not changlings!"
"Except me!" Chrys quickly added. "But I'm a good changling now!" The guards didn't even look back as they turned and walked away.
Dan jumped on the cell door. "This is a mockery of justice!! I KNOW MY RIGHTS! THIS ISN'T DUE PROCESS!! THIS ISN'T ANY PROCESS!! I'LL SEE BOTH OF YOU POMPOUS PEONS LOCKED IN HERE FOR THIS!!!"
"Dan," Twilight gripped him with her own magic, "it's no use; they're already gone."
"We can't let them get away with this!" Dan shouted, face still red with rage. "We have to do something!!"
Chrysalis looked around. "Well, at least the accommodations are better than last time," she remarked, a hint of sadness in her voice.
"You!" Dan accused her, "What did you do to him? He kissed you and then fainted. Is there some kind of law that ponies can't kiss in public? And for that matter, WHY DID HE KISS YOU?!!"
"That's actually..." Twilight began and then stopped. Was this the right time? She looked over to Chrys who's gaze was fixed on the floor in a mixture of sadness and regret. A kind of hollow frustration where one futilely accepts their unfortunate circumstances and simply waits for the sorrow to pass, hoping it will soon. Twilight knew that feeling well. "Chrysal- Chrys?" she asked. "Is it okay if I tell Dan about... the wedding?"
"What wedding?" Dan asked, puzzled. Both mares were quiet. "What happened?"
The changling queen stood, almost a third taller than both Dan and Twilight. "My kind aren't... embraced by pony society. While Twilight has opened her home to me, not everypony wants me around..."
Dan held up his hand in a halt gesture. "Wait, Ponyville's perfectly fine with you. Nopony there comes to our house and complains and I haven't seen anypony have a problem with you around the neighborhood. Did I miss the 'No cats, dogs or changlings' sign somewhere?"
Chrys looked to Twilight. "I think we should start from the beginning."
Twilight nodded. *Flashback*
For centuries, my kind, my horde languished in the caves underneath Canterlot, under the very ground we stand upon now. I waited, waited ages until the time was right, until everything was set and we were ready. That day... was going to be perfect. I never considered what would happen the day after.
By taking Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's place, I defeated Princess Celestia, imprisoned Twilight Sparkle and nearly conquered Canterlot. Equestria was almost mine. I couldn't possibly be defeated. But...
I was beaten. The very magic I used to empower myself and my army, Cadence and Shining Armor used in a different way. By combining their love, they unlocked a magic far greater than anything any darkness could stand against. I and my entire horde were expelled from Canterlot, flung across Equestria in a single blast. My plans for the future, for my kind, were over in an instant.
We landed in the badlands. After all that time, hundreds of years, I had failed. My changlings were weakened. Without food for so long, they entered into a state of hibernation like before. Scattered across the wastes, they cocooned themselves until the time came their strength could recover on its own. I remained awake to watch over them as I had before. But unlike the caves underneath Canterlot, the badlands were far harsher than I could contend with. Severely weakened myself, I did the only thing I could do.
I abandoned them. It had been my responsibility to take care of them for generations, for as long as I lived. But I had lived through so much, seen a future I never thought my kind would ever see. And I didn't see changlings in that future, not as we were. So I left them where they lay and traveled to the only place I knew to go to:
I tried to make it back to Canterlot. In my injured state, I only made it to the Everfree Forest. And that's when...
"You met Fluffle Puff," Twilight said, smiling.
I became lost in the Everfree. Unable to go any further, I passed out in a clearing. That's when she found me. Fluffle Puff... a creature capable of only loving found me. At first, I sought to feed off of her but something was... different. Fluffle Puff's love was different than any I had encountered before. It wasn't intensified by any one thing nor diminished. It was simply there, an inexhaustible amount of love, of feeling that transcended any form or shape to become an energy so pure it lacked definition and yet defined everything around it. Compassion so strong it went beyond anything before, turning into an unstoppable force that flowed through all it touched filling everything with spirit, with emotion, with life.
Unconditional love. Everything I knew about love, about magic was changed by one creature who was just happy to see me. I couldn't understand it; I stopped feeding on love and started feeling it. Fluffle Puff nursed me back to health and I slowly recovered. I no longer needed to feed on others' love, something I never thought possible. I tried to take her back with me to the badlands so that my horde could gain the same benefit but when I arrived there...
They were gone.
"One day, I found Fluffle Puff in the Everfree Forest and she showed me to Chrys," Twilight remembered. "I didn't trust her at first but... something about her seemed different than before. Somehow, I knew she'd changed. I invited her and Fluffle to come stay with me and she's been living with me ever since."
"So," Dan said, standing up, "you found one of the greatest enemies you've ever faced weakened and helpless in the woods... and you invited her and her friend to live with you. Wow..." He walked over, smiling and placed rubbed his hand through Twilight's mane. "That's showing genuine initiative. I'm proud of you, Twilight."
A little surprised to hear that, Twilight almost felt herself blush. "Uh, thanks Dan," she said, a nervous glee in her voice.
"I'm sure you told all your friends about a former villain moving in, right?" Dan asked, still smiling.
"Of course!" Twilight happily replied.
"And the princess?"
"Absolutely! I sent her a letter and she got back to me the next day. She also commended me for showing initiative."
"Great, great," Dan said, smile widening. He bent down to Twilight's level and put both hands on her shoulders. She felt even more nervous, wondering what was going to happen next as he looked into her eyes and said, "I have just one more question, Twilight."
"What's that, Dan?"
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL YOUR BROTHER?!?!?!?!?!"
The shout echoed down the halls, making the building shake in a cartoony fashion.
In an instant, Princess Twilight Sparkle became Fluttershy. "Well I, um- I don't-"
"This could ALL have been avoided if you told your brother BEFORE we got here! You told your friends, you told the princess but you DIDN'T tell EITHER of the ponies that beat her in the first place who you were bringing to their anniversary?!"
Chrys placed a hoof on Dan's shoulder from the back as he held Twilight. "Dan, I don't think we really had time to-"
"You didn't think it might've been strange seeing a former would-be conqueror's name on the guest list?!"
Chrys shook Dan. "I think you might be going just a little bit-"
Dan looked at her over his shoulder. "I'll get to you in a minute."
"Okay..." Chrys removed her hoof.
"I understand if he never writes to you unless it's something important and you might not write back but NOT if it's something as important as, oh I don't know, A VILLAIN MOVING IN WITH YOU! WHY DIDIN'T YOU TELL HIM?!!"
Twilight's lip trembled. She knew why hadn't told Shining and Cadence but hadn't realized the consequences of not telling them until now. It was like a conversation you knew you'd have to have at some point and you were biding your time, preparing. Unfortunately, that time can come before your ready and for Twilight, it had.
"Did you even tell anypony other than your friends about me?!" Dan asked.
Looking up at him apologetically, Twilight said, "No..."
"When were you going to tell your own FAMILY about who you were LIVING WITH? Did it even occur to you that this MIGHT cause a little problem?!!"
"I... I was waiting for the right time," Twilight admitted. "I didn't know about the anniversary and by the time I invited Chrys, I'd kind of forgotten about it."
"You'd KIND OF forgotten about it?!" Dan reiterated.
Twilight nodded. "Well, yeah. I'd just gotten so used to having you, Chrys and Fluffle Puff around, it didn't seem like a big deal. Everypony in Ponyville was fine with it, so was the princess and the three of you just really became my friends so fast... I thought it would be okay."
Chrys's practically felt her heart explode. She clutched a hoof to her chest. "Twilight, do you really mean that?" The purple princess smiled and nodded back at her. "Oh, Twilight!" she embraced both Dan and Twilight, hugging them both together with the young man in between them.
"I really like having you live with me, Chrys. You're one of my best friends," Twilight said, hugging back.
Chrys closed her eyes and hugged tighter. "You're one of my best friends, too! I love you both so much!"
"I'M NOT FINISHED!!" Dan shouted, clutched in the embrace of two mares, "I'M STILL MAD AT BOTH OF YOU! YOU BARELY TOLD ANYPONY ABOUT EITHER OF US!"
"Aww, it's all right, Dan," Chrys said, nuzzling him with her cheek. "From now on, we'll tell everypony together!"
"That's right, Dan," Twilight said, nuzzling him as well. "Starting with my brother and Princess Cadence! We'll tell all of Equestria that you're both my friends!"
They hugged him together as his face burned red. "I HATE YOU BOTH!!!"
Chrys and Twilight smiled. "We love you too, Dan."
The hug lasted well over a minute. "Can we let go now?" Dan finally asked, disgruntled.
The two mares released him and each other. "Aww, what's the matter, Dan?" Chrys asked. "Don't you like hugs?"
"I'm fine with hugs," Dan replied, still sounding gruff. "I'm not fine with the fact that the three of us haven't showered since the library got wrecked."
"Oh," Twilight said. Both she and Chrys' eyes widened in realization. Suddenly, they both remembered that Dan was correct; the last time any of them had used soap was before the house was destroyed. That explained Dan's discomfort at embracing the two. The changeling queen gave her under leg a cautious whiff. Discomfort indeed.
"The two of you seem to forget little details quite frequently, especially when major incident happens, which might as well be every other day!"
"Well, that's why we have you, Dan!" Chrys put a hoof on his back. "You're our reminder!"
"Right," Dan smiled. "You know what I'd like to remind you both of now? THE FACT WE'RE STUCK IN A JAIL CELL!!"
"Yeah, that's a good idea," Chrys agreed, removing her hoof. "Is there any way we can get the door open?"
"No," Twilight said, checking the cell door. It didn't budge an inch when she pulled it with her hooves. "And I don't see any other ways out."
"Of course you don't see another way out," Dan said. "That's the whole point of jail. But you know what we can do?"
"What?" Twilight asked.
Dan smiled. "What do you think I'm going to remind you of now?"
"I can teleport?"
"Yes you can!" he happily rubbed her mane. She WAS learning to think outside the box. That made him genuinely happy. "Good girl! Who's a good little magic pony?"
"I am!"
"That's right! You're finally learning to see the full extent of your abilities!" Dan said encouragingly. "Now, let's teleport out of here, get to the castle and find your brother before we waste the whole weekend!"
"Right," Twilight agreed. Closing her eyes, she concentrated on the teleportation spell. In a flash, the three disappeared and reappeared... still inside the prison cell. The trio's heads clunked against the cell door with a metallic clang.
"OW!"
"Augh!" they landed back on the floor.
"What... just happened?" Dan asked.
"I don't know," Twilight rubbed her head. "They must have some sort-"
"No," Dan stopped her. "No no no no no no no no NO!" he got up. "DO NOT tell me that there's some kind of-"
"Some kind of-"
"NO!" Dan interrupted Twilight.
It was quiet for a couple long seconds.
"Some kind of anti-teleporty-thingy on the cell doors," Chrys finally finished.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Dan shouted in frustrated rage.
"Well, that would make sense," Twilight remarked. "Being a jail for ponies, they would have to guard against all manner of magic. It's likely they've equipped it to handle all manner of other creatures, too."
"NOOO!!" Dan pounded a fist on the stone wall. "We have MAGIC! TWO different KINDS of MAGIC! And we STILL CAN'T GET THROUGH A DOOR?!!"
Twilight shrugged. "Magic has its limits, Dan." Chrys nodded in agreement.
"It's not fair..." Dan sounded sad now. "Magic doesn't even exist on Earth. You can do the impossible here but never when you need to... IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"
"What are we going to do now?" Chrys asked. "It doesn't look like they're going to let us out any time soon."
"They're not going to let us out at all!" Dan turned around. "If the justice system here is anything like the one on Earth, we're going to spend weeks fighting this in court, get accused of being SUSPECTED CHANGELINGS and by the time they find out we're innocent and you're reformed, THE VACATAION WILL BE OVER!! TWILIGHT, YOU HAVE TO GET US OUT OF HERE!!"
Twilight looked nervous. "I don't really have any jailbreak spells or-"
"Lockpicking? What about a spell that picks locks?"
"No..."
"AARRRRRRRGH!" Dan shouted again.
Chrys ran over to the door. Standing on her hind legs, she spread her fore hooves out wide and said, "Open sesame!"
The trio watched the door, waiting for a response. None came; it didn't even budge.
The changeling queen shrugged. "Was worth a try."
"This... this isn't possible!" Dan yelled. "You're supposed to be an alicorn princess! You're one of the Elements of Harmony that defends Equestria's very existance! You've got to know some kind of magic that can get us out of here!"
"Magic isn't that easy, Dan," Twilight said defensively. "I'm still getting used to being an alicorn and a princess."
"But you were good with magic before! You were like one of the highest-level unicorns in town! You beat Trixie at magic... twice!"
"I wasn't stuck in jail after my brother fainted in front of my friends that time."
"You have an entire library full of books on magic!" Dan said, reminding her.
"A library that was nearly destroyed because you got mad at Vinyl Scratch..."
"Oh, so you're going to bring that up now? Well, what about that time you built an answering machine and-"
The two continued to argue as the topic got further away from the present and into the past. Chrys didn't even sigh; she just ignored it. She approached the cell door, taking a closer look at it. A metal bar door, it slid open and had an access panel built in the center of it in the approximation of where a doorknob would be on a normal door. Sliding this hatch did nothing so Chrys decided to examine it closer.
Equestria seemed to have a lopsided way of dealing with criminals, Chrys thought. For her crimes, Chrys and her entire hoard of changelings had been imprisoned underneath the city. She'd heard from Twilight that Celestia herself banished her own sister into the moon. And before that, Chrys remembered Twilight saying a character named Discord, who apparently ruled Equestria in a state of chaos was turned to stone by the two sisters. So part of her counted herself lucky she was just stuck in this dingy cell.
Though at the same time, she remembered when Trixie took over Ponyville and enslaved all the town's residents. Twilight eventually beat Trixie and saved Ponyville but they didn't do anything to punish the blue showmare. Trixie probably would've gone on to conquer Equestria if she hadn't been stopped and when she was, she wasn't given so much as a stern talking to? There must not have been a lot of ponies with cutie marks that symbolized justice. And if there were, they must've been out of town that day.
Chrys didn't see any way of getting through the door. She examined the keyhole and the tumblers inside. If only her skill in lockpicks had been higher and she had some bobby pins. But of course, she put her skill points in melee and energy weapons because sledgehammers are common and lasers are cool.
She looked at the hatch from an angle and noticed something about the outside of it. A lever was attached clasping over it from the bar on the other side, like a latch. Using her own levitation magic, she lifted it.
"Huh," Chrys remarked to herself. She put a hoof on the hatch and slid the door open. "Hey guys?"
"-and they changed her voice actress and didn't even use her name in the remake when it was a CLEAR reference to the fans that-"
"GUYS!" Chrys shouted.
"WHAT?!" They both turned to her.
Chyrs smiled proudly, holding the door to the cell open. "You wanna take this party outside?"
One pony jaw and one human jaw hit the floor. "How... how did you get it open?" Dan asked.
"Easy," the queen beamed. "There's a latch on the outside."
Twilight and Dan facehoof/palmed.
"We've been stuck in here... for two chapters... and THE DOOR WASN'T EVEN LOCKED?!" Dan screeched.
"But... it's gonna be okay now, Dan," Twilight assured him. "We can leave now and head to the castle."
"That's a great idea!" Dan declared. "And when we get there, I'm going to have a little chat with ANOTHER princess on how she happens to be running her legal system!" He stomped out of the jail cell.
Twilight rushed to stop him. "Wait! Dan!"
"I'm gonna give the leadership of this entire country a piece of my mind!"
"You might wanna be careful how you do that; I tried that once and it didn't really work out for me," Chrys commented.
"This injustice won't last another day! First your brother and then the princess!" Dan yelled, breaking into a run.
"Oh no, oh please no," Twilight said, wishing this wasn't happening. She and Chrys ran out of the cell to follow Dan down the corridor.
"RRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGH!!!!" Dan's fury echoed down the hallway as the two mares struggled to keep up behind him. Wrongfully accused, wrongfully imprisoned, he was rightfully fed-up with the way he'd been treated by Equestrian authority and was now going to do his best to make it right. Even if it was the wrong way.
The two ponies chased the young man as he ran through the halls. They passed other prison cells on their right, barred windows on their left but encountered no other guards or prisoners. Twilight looked over her shoulder and all around quickly, trying to see any potential threat before it was upon them but there was nothing. If they could just make it outside and get to Shining...
Dan rounded a corner without missing a beat, his shoes screeching on the stone floor.
"Ohf!" he crashed into something rounding the corner from the other direction.
"Augh!" the other individual yelled. Both bounced off each other and crashed on the floor. A metallic object of some kind hit the floor, dropped by whoever it was Dan just collided with.
Chrys and Twilight ran over to Dan. Both he and the strange he'd just bumped into were getting off the floor.
"Hey! Why don't you watch where you're going, jerk!" Dan yelled at the other individual.
"We both ran into each other, dumbass so maybe you should-" the other stopped midsentence. "Twilight?"
Twilight and Chrys looked at the other character. It was another pony wearing some sort of cloak, a dark-blue stallion covered by a hood.
"I'm sorry have we... met?" Twilight asked the stranger.
He looked back at her, narrowing his eyes. "I... need to get going. I don't want any trouble."
"Neither do we," Chrys said.
"Yes," Dan agreed, "We happen to have bigger problems than running into somepony in prison. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get my hands on a world leader. Figuratively, metaphorically and literally," he said, walking off.
Twilight reached down to pick up the stranger's item, some sort of sword. "We're sorry we bumped into you-" When her hoof touched the blade's hilt, it vanished. Twilight's eyes went wide as she looked around for it only to see it had materialized back in the cloaked pony's mouth.
"It's all right," he said, biting down on the hilt. "If you happen to see two stallions arguing about a raffle, tell them I said hi."
"Okay..." Twilight said as the stranger left. He bolted down the hallway with the blade in his mouth like some knight from a kingdom far away. Something about him felt... familiar.
They both watched as the stallion turned around another corner. "Do you know him, Twilight?" Chrys asked.
"I don't know," Twilight admitted. "How did he know me?"
"Well, you are a princess, Twilight," Chrys reminded her. "We better get going if so we don't lose Dan."
"Right...," Twilight said, casting one last glance down the hallway. She'd met many ponies before, many faces that sometimes blended together. But something told her that one wasn't just another stranger on the road.
"ARE YOU TWO COMING?!" Dan shouted back at them. "WE HAVE A CASTLE TO CRASH!"
"Dan's gonna break a lot in this Kingdom, Hearts included," Chrys remarked with a chuckle, both she and Twilight breaking into a run to follow their friend.
The doors to the guardhouse burst open and out leapt Dan.
"LOOK WHO'S BACK ON THE STREET! AND NOW FOR REVEEENNNGE!!"
Turning to his right, Dan saw the opulent Canterlot Castle just a short distance away. The guard station he'd just exited was actually only a few doors down from the castle. Despite the inconvenience of being arrested and imprisoned, it seemed Dan and the others had only taken a short detour as their destination was right down the street.
There were no other ponies around; the street and security checkpoint were both empty. With a diabolic grin, Dan made a mad dash through the street and past the checkpoint up to the makeshift barricade separating the road from the castle. Under normal circumstances, the castle wouldn't have such tight security measures in place but with the recent incident on the railways, apparently the higher-ups had seen it fit to erect a massive 10-foot wall between the castle and the rest of the city. Its flaws were obvious to Dan immediately.
"RRRRrrgggggggh, first you lock me in, now you think you can lock me out?!" Dan pulled on a large, steel ring that served as a door handle. It didn't budge. And unlike the jail cell, it didn't look like he'd be able to just undo the latch on the other side and get through. Still, he yanked it again, shaking the door futilely in anger. "ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHH!!!"
This was when Twilight and Chrysalis caught up to him. "Dan, what are you doing?" Twilight asked, her voice heavy with concern.
"What does it LOOK like I'm doing?!" Dan shouted, bracing his foot on the door and yanking harder. "I'm going to deliver a message to your princess personally! Help me get this open!"
"Um, Dan, I really don't think that's a good idea," Chrys pointed out.
"What's the matter? You should both be helping me!" Dan said, turning his sinister smile on them. "You get to introduce me to your princess and I get introduce her to my hands around her neck!" He then returned to struggling with the door.
Before Twilight could say anything, Chrysalis asked, her, "Hey Twilight?"
"Yeah?"
"You think Celestia will turn Dan into stone or send him to the moon?"
Twilight turned to Chrys, shocked. "Why would you say that?! We're not going to let that happen! We have to-"
Chrys stopped her, giggling to herself, "I'm kidding, Twilight. But I was thinking, if she sends Dan to the moon... I really hope she sends me with him." The queen blushed.
Twilight's shock turned to almost horror. "What?"
"THAT'S IT!" Dan shouted, apparently having heard none of conversation and began climbing the wall. "This might be a little over the top but I'M GOING OVER THE TOP!!"
"Oh brother," Twilight put a hoof on her forehead, looking to the ground as her friend began to scale the barricade. The closer she got to Canterlot, the more stress she encountered. The questions of what are we going to do and how am I going to explain this pounded on the door of her mind like Dan pounding on the gates of the castle. She knew both doors had the same key: patience. Unfortunately, Dan wasn't going to wait to look through the metaphorical key ring to find it.
Chrys put a hoof on her shoulder. "Once we're inside, you think we'll be able to explain things to your brother and sister-in-law?"
Twilight knew what she was really referring to. "I really hope so," was her reply. But that was actually an under-exaggeration. She didn't really hope so; she depended on it. "You think you can help him over the wall?"
Chrys' eyes were focused up. "It doesn't look like he needs help."
Twilight turned up. Dan was actually almost to the top, grunting and growling like some kind of ninja-ursa(still number-one threat to Equestria according to Stephen Coltbert).
"Well, you think you could maybe... help me?" Twilight asked shyly.
Chrys looked over to her. "Help climb?"
"No, help me... up."
"Oh," Chrys realized. She wasn't the only one that was still getting used to how things were now. While Twilight would need to learn how to use her wings eventually, not every moment had to be spent teaching, demonstrating and/or explaining things to her. Without another word, the black queen knelt down next to the smaller purple princess so she could climb on her back. Twilight carefully swung her leg over and mounted the larger mare.
Chrysalis took to the skies the moment Twilight was in place. It was odd for Twilight; Chrys' wings were insectile in nature, entirely unique to the changelings but they resembled the wings spawned by the wing spell. Was there a connection of some sort? Twilight's mind swam with possibilities and questions. More than anything else, she wanted all that she didn't know to be in some book she could just as easily pick off her shelf at home and read. Instead, she found herself in a situation she wouldn't believe if she read it as she was carried up.
"Thanks Chrys," Twilight said as they rose.
"No problem," Chrys replied, not sounding at all strained from carrying Twilight. The pair ascended to Dan's level just as he climbed to the top under the power of his own adrenaline-fueled rage.
"You call this an adequate defense?" Dan asked, standing atop the wall. He looked on both sides, examining it and then looking onto the castle in front of him. "What? That's it?"
"What do you mean?" Chrys asked, landing next to him.
"No electric fence, no barbed wire, no towers, no minefield, no defense emplacements, surface-to-air missile batteries, guard patrols, minefield or even a moat? What kind of castle doesn't have a moat?"
"Umm," Twilight tried to think.
"He's got a point, Twilight," Chrysalis said.
"Wait," Twilight thought. "We do have other defensive measures."
"Well, be sure to point them out along the way," Dan said, preparing to hop to the ground.
"Yeah, like your brother's shield spell," Chrys remembered.
"Shield spell..." Twilight repeated. Her eyes went wide. "Dan, wait!"
It was too late; he jumped. But instead of dropping down to ground level, he was stopped in midair. Although it had been invisible to all of them at first, Twilight, Chrysalis and especially Dan were now very aware of the protective energy shield surrounding Canterlot Castle.
Unlike the classic bubble and the advanced expulsion energy barriers, the transparent Electric Magic Protector(EMP) shielding spell was designed to defend against assaults that were known about ahead of time. Sophisticated magic, the EMP not only repelled attacks but also delivered a powerful shock to anything unfortunate enough to come into contact with it. Like Dan.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Dan screamed, arms and legs spread out as his body was electrified. In an instant, Dan was zapped and bounced off the shield like a fly getting too close to a bug zapper. A trail of smoke followed the young man as he rebounded off the shield and flew back over the fence to the street below.
"Dan!" Twilight and Chrys screeched. The two dashed to ground level.
"Maybe it doesn't need a... a moat after all," Dan commented as he smoldered on the ground.
"An invisible electric shield spell... that's a new one," Chrys remarked, looking over her shoulder.
"Well, you two are magic!" Dan exclaimed, standing up. "How do we get through it?!"
"I think I read about this spell recently" Twilight said, hoof to her chin. "The Shield-Shocker Surprise, one of the new EMP spells. I'm pretty sure it's still a prototype."
"And we disable it how?" Dan asked, mild irritation in his voice.
"I'm not sure. We could try the library nearb-"
"No," Dan flatly stated. "I did NOT take a weekend off from living in a library just to visit another one. We're getting through that shield one way or the other IF I HAVE TO BRING THE CITY DOWN AROUND IT!"
"Wait!" An idea came to Twilight. "Chrys, how did you get into Canterlot two years ago? My brother put a shield over the entire city; you must've found someway around it."
"Oh, uh," Chrys stammered shyly. "Well, we actually just used the tunnels underneath Canterlot. The caverns run all under the city, including the castle. I was conserving my strength, waiting for the day to strike when..." she trailed off.
"When...?" Dan urged her.
"When I saw Cadence and Shining. I could sense it when they first entered the city; they were in love. The love they shared was so powerful, so overwhelming they could only be in Canterlot for one thing- the wedding. So, I lured Cadence away, took her place and figured I could leech off Shining enough power to takeover Canterlot then and there. Almost worked, too," Chrys explained.
"So what you're saying is," Dan thought aloud, "I should impersonate Cadence!"
Chrysalis took the opportunity in that instance to change into the pink princess herself. "Oooh! We can be like twins! And then Cadence and Shining will-"
Dan grabbed her pink muzzle. "I. WAS. KIDDING."
The changeling changed back. "Oh. Sorry..."
"But you have given me an idea, Chrys," Dan rubbed his chin.
"What's that?" Twilight worriedly asked.
"A disguise. Something that'll make them open up the doors for us and we'll be able to walk right in like we own the place."
Chrys clapped her hooves, wings buzzing in delight. "OH yes! I love disguises! I'm the best at them. Who should I change into? Maybe-" a green flash enveloped her, "Princess Luna! You both are banished! The shun has been doubled!" she announced before another emerald burst overtook her. "Or how about Granny Smith?" her voice became crotchety. "Won't a young whippersnapper help an old mare inside? Or what about-"
"What about you and Twilight just keeping watch for me from up high while I handle this?" Dan suggested.
"Ah. Or you could do that. Yeah, sounds fine."
"Great," Dan said sarcastically. "Now, Twilight?"
"Yes?" Twilight asked nervously.
"You used to live here, right? Where's the nearest pizza parlor?"
"..."
In fact, it still hadn't been long ago that Twilight had lived in Canterlot. The nearest pizza purveyor just happened to be a Sbarro that was just down-
Oh screw you, Michael.
Wait, what?
Just because my name is Barro and we're doing the pizza delivery gag doesn't mean that-
Hey, I wasn't even thinking about that at all. We just needed a pizza place and I just happened to think of one.
Why don't I believe that?
Okay fine, but it is a funny reference.
Or you're just too lazy to ponify an actual pizza chain.
Oh, like ponifying something is that easy.
It's easier than you realize. You just have to take a minute and think, creative process.
All right, fine come up with something right now. Ponify a pizza chain right now.
... Trotminos. Califilly Pizza Kitchen. Sbarno.
... Screw you, Barro. My ide-
"WILL YOU TWO JUST GET A ROOM ALREADY??!!" Dan shouted at the author and director. The two arguing stallions ceased.
Sorry, Dan.
Yeah, sorry.
The pizza parlor was vacant when the trio arrived and its name wasn't relevant to this story anyway. It hadn't taken long for Dan and the others to appropriate a spare delivery uniform and even make an authentic pizza for delivering. Satisfied with the plan, the three marched back down the street to the barricade.
Chrys skipped along the way. "Krusty Krab Pizza! Is the pizza- for you and-"
"Don't. Just don't," Dan silenced Chrys' singing. Still a good distance away from the wall, he turned to them. "All right, I want you both to get up somewhere high. When they open the gate, I'm going to pie whoever opens it in the face and you two will rush in to cover me. Sound good?"
"Sounds good!" Twilight forced herself to say.
"Are you really going to hit a guard in the face with the pizza? We haven't eaten anything all day," Chrys held her stomach.
Dan had to admit, he was hungry too. But he was also hungry for vengeance. "When we get in that castle, we can raid their stores of all the food they've got. Which is why I've emptied my pockets," he said with a grin. "Now, get in position and be ready for my signal!"
"Right!" the two mares confirmed. Twilight hopped on Chrys's back and up they went again, flying to a nearby rooftop.
Gripping the pizza box, Dan took a moment to pull out a mirror and inspect his disguise. He took a moment to adjust his moustache. Perfect, they won't suspect a thing, he thought to himself. Smiling diabolically, he walked up to the barricade.
Twilight and Chrys watched him from a pair of binoculars on the rooftop.
"You think they'll have a lot of food for the party?" Chrys asked.
"Probably," Twilight replied. "Plenty of cake, pie, pizza and everything else we don't already eat tons of at home on a daily basis."
"Awesome," Chrys said, her mouth watering. "Where do you think Pinkie is?"
"I don't know," Twilight answered. "but if I know Pinkie, she's probably already inside the castle."
"Ah. You think Dan will be able to get us inside?"
"We're about to find out. Here he goes," Twilight and Chrys gripped their binoculars as they focused in on the scene.
Dan reached out and knocked on the thick gate three times. The sound reverberated through the wooden wall a bit. Dan's menacing grin grew wider as he waited for an answer. But none came.
He knocked again, harder this time. "Pizza's here! Open up!"
Watching the display, Chrys and Twilight couldn't help but see the flaw in Dan's plan.
"I don't think anypony's going to answer the door," Chrys said.
"It's probably too thick for anypony to even hear him knocking on the other side. Even then, they're probably still a good distance away from the actual barricade to hear it," Twilight commented, thinking.
"What are we gonna do now?" Chrys asked, still looking through her binoculars.
Twilight put a hoof on her chin. "I don't know. Maybe if I could contact somepony inside the castle, we could explain everything to them. I don't know how Dan is going to react when he finds out his plan isn't going to work."
"He's climbing the wall again," Chrys said.
"Oh boy."
"I think it's amazing how he can climb and still hold onto the pizza."
Looking back through her binoculars, Twilight saw the enraged Dan climbing up the side of the barricade again. The angered form of a pizza delivery boy, complete with fake moustache and hat scaled his way to the top of the wall. Taking the pizza in both hands, Dan jumped over again and landed on the shield. Since the uniform disguise he was wearing wasn't any more insulated than the clothes he was wearing underneath, the results were the same as before.
"GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
The shield flung a smoldering Dan back over the wall again. The pizza flew from the box as Dan landed in the street. Twilight and Chrysalis quickly rushed down to aid him.
"Dan!" Chrys and Twilight asked. "Are you okay?"
"I think this is the first time in history when a pizza boy has been charged for the pizza," Dan remarked.
"Badum tiss," Chrys added. "Where'd the pizza go?"
The two standing looked around for the misplaced Italian delicacy. "There!" Twilight pointed.
The pie in question had landed on the roof of another building, a garage by the appearance of it.
"Ha, roof pizza," Chrys chuckled. "So that's Spongebob and Breaking Bad in the same sequence. That has to be a record."
Dan brushed himself off as he stood, his moustache askew. "Can we please get through ONE episode without breaking the fourth wall?"
Chrys shrugged. "Maybe next episode. So, how are we going to get into the castle now?"
"We're gonna go with plan b," Dan stated, teeth gritted.
"Right," Chrys nodded, unsure. "What's plan b?"
Twilight and Chrys quickly realized that Dan's 'plan b' was in lack of something right away: any actual planning. Dan's 'plan b' apparently involved the furious pale human trying to break through the barricade and shield by whatever force he could manage. With the entire mysteriously vacant Canterlot at their disposal, Dan was free to attempt entry with any method he pleased. Meaning all of them.
The two mares did little more than watch as Dan tried about everything imaginable to bust through the heavy, wooden gates. From hitting the doors with a sledgehammer to using dynamite, tunneling underneath the wall to trying to teleport through it, Dan's temper only increased as he failed to assail the impenetrable wall and shield behind. Now dressed in a hardhat and construction clothes complete with goggles and another moustache, Dan was attempting to jackhammer his way through the door while Chrys and Twilight played that Battleship game seen in Read it and Weep.
"Sky nineteen," Twilight said.
"What!!?" Chrys yelled. Though they were sitting right across from each other, they couldn't hear very well because of Dan's jackhammering.
"I said, SKY NINETEEN!"
"OH!" Chrys shouted back. "You sank my airship!"
"WHAT?!"
"YOU SANK MY AIRSHIP!!"
"OH, NICE!" Twilight yelled back.
Dan's jackhammering abruptly ceased. "WHAT IS THIS THING EVEN MADE OUT OF?!!" he shouted, throwing down the tool. After using explosives, blunt objects, sharp objects, brute force, a fire hose, Space Balls: The Flamethrower, and saying 'Open Sesame' again, the wooden palisade didn't show a scratch or dent from Dan's siege.
"I don't know," Chrys said stopping the game, "but we should definitely build the new library out of it."
Twilight nodded in agreement. Whatever tree this wood came from, it was sturdy enough to take the full force of an enraged Dan. Truly, it was built to withstand anything.
"Why do they even need a barricade when they have an ELECTRIC SHIELD behind it?! Is it there in case somepony blabs about the secret knock?!" Dan turned to Twilight and Chrys. "We've tried everything short of an atomic bomb! Tell me you have an idea. I'm open to suggestions if they'll open this door!"
Chrys raised a hoof. "I have an idea!"
"What is it?" Dan asked eagerly.
The queen giggled. "With the hardhat and moustache, all you need is a denim jacket and you'll look like Wario!"
"Mm-ah ha ha ha ha!" Twilight laughed, holding her muzzle to try and stifle it to no avail. Chrys started laughing and then the two both burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Dan's expression slowly became one of seething rage again.
"Garrrrrrrrr," Dan's teeth were gritted and his fists were balled, which only served to make him look like an angry Wario. The two mares fell over, clutching their sides.
"Oh goodness, Dan, say Ima gonna win-o! Say it!" Chrys said.
"Oh gosh, not Mario Kart!" Twilight said, unable to stop laughing. "I'm sorry Dan, it's just-"
"Oooh! Oooh!" Chrys waved while on the ground. "We have to get a picture of him in a kart! Or a motorcycle!"
"RRRrrrrrr..." Dan's rage continued to build as the two laughed louder.
"Can you imagine Dan riding a motorcycle?"
"Stop it," Twilight said, "You're gonna make me cry!"
"HA ha ha ha ha!" The two chortled.
And then, Dan's rage was gone. His gritted-teeth scowl slowly turned upside down to form a smile. A new idea had hit him, or rather had just been suggested.
"Riding a motorcycle you say?" Dan asked, coyly.
"I know! Where on Equestria are we even going to find one?!" Chrys laughed again.
"Well, I don't know about a motorcycle but I do happen to know something I could ride..."
"What's that? Not a train again," Twilight said, regaining her composure.
"No, not exactly," Dan said, taking a step forward. "But I do think it might be time to 'saddle up', as the saying goes," he grinned.
"Ah ha ha ha... what do you mean?" Chrys asked, her laughter fading.
"Tell me, what else around here could I ride on?" he asked the two ponies.
"Ha ha...." Chrys's smile faded. All too late she realized what Dan was referring to. "Oh."
Twilight however hadn't yet. "Ha ha, is he going to ride a dragon? A golf cart?"
"No," Dan chuckled himself, "Not quite. Think smaller. Think purple."
"Is Spike here?" Twilight asked, looking around.
Chrys face-hooved. "Twilight, we're ponies."
"Ha ha, yeah?"
"He's talking about riding us."
Realization finally dawned on the purple princess. "Oh! Ha ha ha... ha... oh crapple seed."
Dan rubbed his hands together. "Let's get this rodeo on the road."
While Dan had some experience in horseback riding, that experience was limited to a time in his childhood when his parents took him to a ranch, once when he rode a pony at a friend's birthday part and an incident at a renaissance faire when he believed he was being ripped off and challenged the faire's owner to a joust. With these fond memories in mind, Dan mounted Twilight and prepared to charge the wooden barricade.
Twilight, on the other hoof, was not a work mare. The few times when she'd actually been used to carry another were few and far between, instances she didn't exactly remember fondly. Dan was also heavier than Spike but being supported by four legs, she found his weight easily manageable. And then he put on armor. Now, she was beginning to feel awkward and uncomfortable as she stood in the middle of the road. Of course, most of the awkward feeling came from Chrysalis over to the side who was taking pictures of them.
Queen Chrysalis was trying very, very hard not to laugh. But seeing the pair in this situation was just too funny to be contained. The three of them had visited a Nightmare Night store and acquired a suit of armor and lance for Dan to use in his attempt to breach the barrier. Underneath him, Twilight wore a saddle and a large, white sheet with two eyeholes cut out of the front so she wouldn't be recognized in the event her family or friends were on the other side of the shield and a third hole for her horn.
Roughly eighty meters from the barricade, the knight-suited Dan lowered his lance into position. "All right, are we all clear on the plan?"
"Chrys," Twilight said, "If I don't make it out of this... please, tell my friends what happened."
"Oh trust me, I'm going to tell everypony," Chrys assured her as she snapped a photo.
"That thing's withstood everything we've thrown at it so far... but not everything at the same time!" Dan declared. "With all the dynamite strapped to the lance, we'll smash into the barricade at full force while Twilight focuses her magic to shield us. Then, we punch through the wall and use the forward momentum to break through the shield!"
"I just have one question," Twilight turned to Dan on her back.
"Yes?"
"Why does it have to be me?"
"Twilight," Dan smiled at her, "you're the best when it comes to shielding magic. Chrys still only knows so few spells."
"He's right, Twilight," Chrys said. "But you know, you could ride me if you wanted to," she blushed slightly.
"That's good enthusiasm, Chrys but we'll only need the one time," Dan said as his eyes narrowed on his target.
Chrys rubbed her left leg with her right shyly. "Well, I meant you could ride me later..for fun... if you wanted," she said quietly.
"Ready, Twilight?" Dan lowered his face shield.
"Ready..." Twilight said reluctantly.
"Wait!" Chrys raised a hoof, "Let me get more film!"
"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGEEE!!!"
Squinting, the covered purple mare broke into a gallop. With Dan on her back, she raced down the street as fast as her legs could carry her. Her hooves clip-clopped in rapid succession on the cobblestone road as the wooden barricade came closer. The sight of a knight riding a ghost pony through Canterlot in the middle of the day would've seemed quite bizarre if anypony other than Chrys had been around to see it. Fortunately, Chrys was determined to take lots of pictures to commemorate the moment. She even switched on the stereo nearby which somehow played the theme of My Little Pony G1 rewritten to apply to the current situation.
My little pony, my little pony Overcoming obstacles any way that you can My little pony, my little pony With Twilight Sparkle, Chrysalis and Dan! Magic and science, explosives and violence, However is this sequence going to end? My little pony, my little pony, It's crazy what you'll do for your friends!
Dan gritted his teeth. There was no way this couldn't work. They'd smash through that wall like it wasn't even there and he'd storm into the castle like a knight invading. Everything was perfect. The dynamite was active, his lance was lowered, armor in place and Twilight was charging at full pace. He was happy she wasn't holding anything back, running at full speed to execute his plans. This was the fastest he'd ever seen her run. In fact, she might've been too fast.
"Twilight, slow it down just a bit," he said, rotating his grip on the lance. But Twilight didn't respond; she continued galloping headlong towards the barricade. "Twilight, slow it down, I can't hold the-"
Dan's experience, or lack thereof in horseback riding and to be even more specific, jousting, had just caught up to him. Balancing on Twilight was easy enough, in full armor was a bit harder but he managed, doing all this and holding a lance was difficult but he found he still could, but a lance covered in dynamite? Gravity's grip on the explosive stick combined with Twilight's velocity proved to be too unstable a combination for Dan to hold onto.
"Twilight! TWILIGHT!" Sticks of dynamite began to fly off the lance as he bounced on the saddle. Twilight would've noticed this if she hadn't been focusing so hard on the wooden gates ahead of her. Her own teeth were gritted as she carried the flailing Dan, preparing to cast her shield spell just as soon as they reached it. But only she would reach it.
As Dan bounced, the lance dipped too low and he lost his grip on it. Just as he and Twilight were about to hit the barricade, the lance pinned the ground and Dan pole-vaulted himself off Twilight's back and into the air. Now unencumbered by Dan, Twilight continued to run past the point where the lance had stuck.
"AAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Dan screamed as he flew. Twilight finally noticed when Dan's shadow passed over her. She stopped running and looked up into to see him soar over the barricade and into the electric shield again.
"GGGRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAARRAAAAAAAAAAAARRRAAAAAGHH!!!!!" Dan screeched. The shield sparked and crackled as voltage surged through the unfortunate human stuck on the side. Finally, Dan rebounded off the shield and back into the street, next to his lance which was still stuck in the ground.
Flat on his back, smoke rolling off of him, Dan's head looked over to notice his lance right by him. Far too late, he realized it was still covered in dynamite.
Twilight turned around just in time to see the resulting explosion. A massive fireball engulfed the road sending flames, debris and Dan into the air. This time, he wasn't flung far enough to hit the shield but instead hit the barricade before it.
Smoking, smoldering, his suit of armor all but completely destroyed, Dan yelled, "CANTERLOCKDOWN!!" as he slowly slid down the wall.
"Dan!" Twilight yelled, running to his side again. "Are you all right?"
"Maybe... maybe I should ride a missile next time. Or a bomb. I think that would be safer."
Chrys ran up to them, panting. "That... was... awesome!! I ran out of film! Can we try that again when I get a new camera?"
"Sure," Dan replied, standing and brushing himself off for the third time. "Next time, it'll be YOUR turn."
Chrys's face turned red. "You want to ride on me next time, Dan?"
"No, YOU'LL be riding Twilight while you're both strapped to a bomb on a mine cart! Once we find a bomb, that is!"
"Oh," Chrys said. "Well, I saved the dynamite that fell off," she levitated a bundle of lit TNT sticks in front of her. "What should I do with them?"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!" Dan and Twilight screamed. Thinking quickly, Dan grabbed the bundle and chucked it as hard as he could over his shoulder. "That was lit dynamite! It was about to explode!" Dan shouted at Chrys. "What were you thinking?!"
"I'm sorry!" Chrys answered. "I've never seen anything like that before! I didn't know how it worked!"
"You light it, it blows things up! That's how it works!" Dan yelled.
"I see..." Chrys nodded. Unfortunately, Dan had apparently forgotten how the electric shield behind him worked. Instead of setting off the dynamite, the shield bounced it right back at him while his back was turned.
Twilight and Chrysalis, noticing the shadow on the ground, took a couple cautious steps away.
"And another thing, you-" Dan looked at the circle over him a bit too late. The dynamite landed on him and exploded. Once again, the street was awash in fire. The road cracked under the force of the blast.
"Are you... still okay, Dan?" Twilight asked nervously.
Lying flat on his back, Dan was covered in ash and soot. His shirt had been burned so that only the collar remained around his neck, exposing his pale flesh to the sun. His fists gripped the ground as he rose.
"Chrys!" he yelled as he stood.
"Yes, Dan?"
"It's your turn."
"I don't know, Dan," Chrys said, "I don't think we'll be able to build up enough speed on the road what with the smoldering craters and debris everywhere. And I think we're all out of dynamite. And lances and knight armor."
Twilight removed her ghost costume. "I think I've been ridden enough for today."
"All right, fine," Dan submitted. "Do either of you have any OTHER ideas? Some that might actually be successful?"
"Maybe we should take another look at things," Chrys said.
Dan threw his hands down. "What's to look at? It's a wall! There's no way around it; we've tried tunneling, teleporting and going through it!"
"I have to agree with Dan," Twilight said. "There's no spell I know of that can dispel an EMP and I know a lot of them. It looks pretty impassable."
"I just think we should take another look at it. Maybe there's something we missed," Chrys insisted.
"Fine," Dan finally agreed. "Let's look at the impenetrable barrier again, shall we?"
"Thank you," Chrys said back, smiling.
Dan and Twilight both climbed on Chrys's back and she carried them up to the top of the wall. She sat them down on it and together they looked out at the castle beyond, so close and yet still out of reach.
"See?" Dan gestured to the lightning bubble encompassing the castle. "Shield's still up. No way around it."
"Hmm," Chrys put a hoof to her chin. "Why would they need this barricade if they have a shield?"
"It's the castle," Twilight reminded her. "The guard wouldn't spare any defense if the castle was threatened."
"Then where are the guards?" Chrys asked.
"Well... I'm not sure," Twilight answered, thinking herself.
"They're probably inside, enjoying the party. LIKE WE SHOULD BE DOING!" Dan yelled.
Chrys surveyed the castle. She'd done this at least a few times long ago, probing the castle for weaknesses. It hadn't changed much since then, she had to admit, and it still looked as new as it did centuries ago. Except for an odd crater in the middle of the stretch of road beyond the barricade.
"Hey, was that always there?" Chrys asked, pointing at the blackened mark breaking the otherwise pristine-white cobblestone street.
Twilight squinted. "No... no, it wasn't. And if it was there for very long, somepony would've repaired it."
Chrys turned to her. "You don't think..."
"The dynamite!" Twilight yelled. "Dan, when the dynamite exploded, a stick of it must not have detonated right away! It must've been blasted by the others when they went up!"
"After everything that's happened today, I actually believe that," Dan said, staring at the crater. "That would mean..."
"It got through the shield somehow and exploded beyond it!"
"And I think I know how," Chrys said, taking flight again.
"What are you doing? Don't get too close to the shield or you'll get shocked!" Twilight warned.
"It's okay; I know what I'm doing," Chrys said. She flew high up, looking closely at the shield. It had been invisible when they first attacked the barricade but now it was sparking, a pulsing warning. Twilight was right: the shield was a prototype and its flaw was evident right away.
"Chrys, what're you-"
Both Dan's and Twilight's eyes went wide as they watched Chrys just slip through the shield unscathed. She landed down on the street passed it.
"The shield doesn't cover all of Canterlot! It's stops only a few feet higher than the barricade!" Chrys shouted.
Dumbstruck, Dan's jaw and Twilight's jaw hit the floor. "Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! NO, NO THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!" Dan yelled. "You're telling me... YOU'RE TELLING ME, WE SPENT THIS ENTIRE TIME TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE SHIELD AND THE SHIELD DIDN'T EVEN... it didn't even..."
"It didn't even go up all the way," Twilight finished his sentence.
"AAAARGAGRRAAAAAAARRAG!!" Dan's shouted, his vocalized rage becoming even less coherent than it already was.
"Isn't this great, Dan?" Twilight asked, trying to cheer him up. He turned to her, slowly an insane look in his eyes. "Now we can finally get into the castle."
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" he screamed. "REVENGE!!" he jumped over the barricade.
"Dan, wait!"
Not high enough. Dan hit the shield. "GLRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHH!!" Zapped, slammed and bounced, Dan was flung from the shield and over the wooden wall again.
Twilight and Chrys quickly hovered down to him. "Dan?" Did they even have to ask this time?
Hair flared out, Dan sat up. "Just take me into the castle."
For all the hassle of trying to get into Canterlot and through its defenses, Dan, Twilight and Chrys were overjoyed that no visible obstacles remained between them and the castle. The unbroken white cobblestone ran right up into the courtyard, walls of white and gold welcomed the trio as they approached. Ornamental grass sculptures artfully crafted in the shapes of ponies and fillies of all kinds lined the walkway up to the steps leading to the doors.
Burned, bruised and shirtless, Dan ignored most of these decorations as he lead the other two to the castle entrance and pushed both the doors wide open.
"Where's Celestia?! And if anypony tells me the princess is in another castle, heads are gonna roll!" Dan announced as he entered.
"Maybe we could just, I don't know, forget what happened outside now that we're here," Twilight suggested.
"I'll forget getting over those walls when all of Canterlot is erecting a statue in my honor," Dan answered.
"Oh my goodness... it's so lovely in here," Chrys remarked. "I guess I never really got a chance to admire the interior last time, what with the whole 'takeover Equestria' thing." The lavish foyer of the castle matched the opulence of the exterior perfectly. Red carpeting covered the floor and ran throughout the hall. Archways branched off at symmetrical points further into the castle. Everywhere to look were flower arrangements and vases on pedestals, gold livery and tapestries. Stained glass in a myriad of designs, colors and depictions filled every window and suits of pony armor guarded every door. There was not a space in the castle that did not accentuate elegance.
"It's beautiful but it's a lot of work to maintain," Twilight said, looking around herself. "Attendants have to work every day to make sure everything is clean and in pristine condition. Ambassadors and diplomats from all over the world arrive here so everything has to be kept in an orderly fashion. Lots of ponies, even the royal guards have duties to maintain the interior. Everything here tells a story."
One might initially think a native Canterloter like Twilight would be used to the luxurious surroundings of the castle. But Twilight was ever the student and as such, she looked at the castle as just one massive library. One of the reasons being a princess intimidated her was the simple fact that she might actually have to learn everything about the castle. Which she would enjoy up until she was tested on her knowledge by say, a visiting representative of another country. Or literally anypony.
"Is this a castle or a museum?" Dan asked.
Twilight giggled. "Have you ever been to a castle before, Dan?"
"Used to get dragged to Disney Land every now and then but otherwise, no. Still, I wasn't expecting this much junk to just be hanging around."
Chrys laughed. "What exactly were you expecting, Dan?"
Dan thought for a moment. "Actual gold, treasures, jewelry on everything, coats-of-arms, portraits, solid-gold statues,... guards."
Twilight laughed out loud. "Dan, all those things you described WOULD be in museums! And the gold's kept in the Equestrian National Reserve Center. And the guards are-"
"All around us," Dan finished for her.
"What?"
"FREEZE!!
"Meep!" went Chrys.
Royal guard ponies sprang fourth from the columns, from behind archways and even under the rugs. In an instant, the trio was surrounded by furious armored stallions with horns glowing. The three paused, freezing as instructed mostly from the shock alone.
Dan threw his hands out and approached the nearest guard. "Well, finally! It was hard enough trying to get in here but at least now we can get some service! Now, the first thing I want-"
KRZZZZZZAP!! The guard jabbed Dan with a glowing horn.
"Gehhhhhhhhrrrrrraah!!" Dan keeled over and writhed on the floor.
"I don't know how the three of you escaped but it won't happen again. You're going to the dungeon this time and-"
Dan reached up and slugged the royal guard in the muzzle. "We aren't going anywhere!"
"Dan?!" Twilight and Chrys gasped.
Now standing, the rejuvenated biped turned to them. "Ha! I've been shocked so many times today, I don't even feel it any more!" he then turned back to the guards. "Now, who were the ones who locked us up in the first place?!"
"Dan," Twilight poked him on the shoulder.
"What?"
"Maybe... maybe it wasn't a good time to visit Canterlot. Maybe we could just go home?"
"After everything we've been through?!" Dan yell-whispered at her.
After everything they'd been through... yes, it was a lot to consider. The train ride, trying to get inside, so much had happened, Twilight had reached her limit. If it meant another altercation, her body told her she wasn't going to be a part of it.
"It's been a long... couple of days, Dan," Twilight said. "I don't think it's worth it."
"I... I..." Dan stammered, not knowing what to say. Angered, frustrated, he looked into the tired pony's eyes. Both she and Chrys were exhausted, beaten. Not quite as badly as he had been but he'd taken them along with him for most of it. As he looked at both of them, he felt his own fatigue set in, stinging him.
"All right," he finally said. "But there's one thing I want to do first."
"What's that?" For once, Dan was agreeing with her. That actually gave Twilight a bit more energy. Despite her weariness, her spirit found the strength to be enthusiastic for one last venture. "What can we do?"
"Before I leave," Dan spun back, announcing to the guards, "we demand to see Princess Celestia!"
The guards let out a collective gasp. "No changelings are getting anywhere near the princess!"
"We are NOT changelings!"
"Except for me!"
"We are the closest associates of Princess Twilight Sparkle and we demand to see the princess right now!" Dan shouted.
"You don't get to see the princess!" the guard Dan punched shouted back. "The princess is the ruler of all Canterlot, of all Equestria and she-"
"She can speak for herself," a voice behind them declared.
The guards gasped again and immediately came to attention. Dan, Twilight and Chrys slowly turned around to see...
"Princess Celestia!" Twilight exclaimed. The purple mare ran over to her mentor, the regal Princess Celestia, standing just in front of the doorway.
"Twilight Sparkle!" the princess said. The two ponies embraced one another, sharing a warm hug. "It's good to see you, Princess Twilight."
"It's good to see you, too, princess," Twilight answered, unwilling to break the hug. The young princess was practically teary-eyed. After all the overwhelming things that had occurred, she was overjoyed to see the alicorn who always looked out for her, the one pony she counted on. It felt like being home at last since her home had been destroyed.
"I do hope we're not interrupting anything," another voice said.
"Princess Luna!" Twilight's face lit up. "I'm happy to see you, too!"
Luna blushed slightly and joined the hug. Sun, moon, and Twilight were reunited again.
"Likewise, Princess Twilight," Luna said.
Twilight bristled a tad at her title but hugged them both back tighter.
"Your majesties," the royal guards bowed. A sea of horns and armor lowered to the ground in respect of the return of the rulers.
A certain changeling queen and shirtless pale human raised eyebrows. "Really?" Dan asked. "How do you know THEY'RE not changelings?!"
Chrys put a hoof to her chin. "Ya know, I haven't really tried impersonating Celestia or Luna lately..."
"A minute ago, you all thought WE were changelings, including Twilight!" Dan yelled, angry. "They share one hug and now everything's okay?"
The first royal guard shrugged. "Works for me."
"GrrrrrAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGAGGGGHH!!" Dan groaned in rage.
"And you must be Dan," Celestia said, stepping forward.
"Yes," Dan said, turning to the princess and smiling. "You'll forgive me for not wearing a shirt but WHEN YOUR GUESTS CAME OVER, YOU FORGOT TO DISARM THE ELECTRIC FENCE!!!" he shouted angrily.
Twilight and Chrys, even the royal guards looked nervous but Princess Celestia only calmly smiled back. "I noticed," she giggled. "When Luna and I returned from investigating the train, we were a bit surprised to see the palisades and shield in place. Fortunately, we knew how to get around it. I'm surprised you three were able to figure it out so quickly."
"I..." Dan stopped before saying something else. "I... I guess it wasn't that hard to get around once we found out how. But it shouldn't have been up in the first place," he remarked.
"It was unnecessary and a bit excessive," Celestia agreed. "We'll have to see about finding a more reasonable way to protect things from now on."
Although he didn't notice it, Twilight did. As Celestia mentioned about protecting things, her eyes looked at Dan for some reason. The two caught eyes very briefly as the princess passed.
"And... I believe we've met before," Celestia said, approaching Chrys.
Just as tall as Celestia herself, the changeling queen was one of the only other ponies who had ever actually matched her in magic. The two stood evenly, almost a full head over everypony else in the room. Even Luna was slightly dwarfed by her older sister and the queen. The two were equals in many ways both known by the pair and unknown. Though Celestia had been defeated the last time she stood before the queen, in this very castle, it was Chrysalis that now looked beaten.
"Um, hello," Chrys said, rubbing her right leg with her left, averting her gaze to the floor. "Your majesty, thank you for inviting us."
Princess Celestia's expression was an aura of calmness in front of her former foe. "I see my former student keeps interesting company lately."
Chrys swallowed. What was going to happen now? Although she was sweating, nervous as Twilight in any given situation, Chrys pulled up her head and looked Celestia back in the eyes and smiled as softly as she could. Whatever Celestia was going to do, render judgment, render criticism, cast her out again, she would take it. Right here, right now, right away, she was standing with her friends.
"Queen Chrysalis... or should I say, Chrys," Celestia began. "On behalf of Equestria, welcome to Canterlot Castle."
Practically breaking into tears, Chrys said, "Thank you, Princess Celestia. I'm very happy to be here."
"We're happy you could join us," the princess put a hoof on the queen's shoulder. "And thank you for taking care of my student and her friends."
Chrys was a bit surprised at that last comment. "Yo-you're welcome, your majesty."
"Now, Twilight," Celestia turned to her former student, "I believe your friends arrived here already. They should be in the garden."
"My friends?!" Twilight asked in disbelief.
"Yes," Luna confirmed, "Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy arrived here yesterday and Pinkie joined them just an hour ago."
"WHAT?!" Twilight yelled. They were already here?! How did they get here? Why-oh, she should've been expecting this, she realized that.
"Now, if everything is cleared up, we have a celebration to prepare for tomorrow. Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor are celebrating their anniversary here at the castle and I am sure they would love to see you," Celestia said. "I believe they're out back with your friends."
"Oh!" Twilight remembered. "Yes, we should go see them and see if they need any help for the party!"
Princess Celestia smiled. "I'm sure they'll be delighted you're here."
"Let's get going!" Twilight called, running past the guards as she suddenly found her energy.
Dan and Chrys shrugged at one another. "Might as well go see how the gang's doing," Chrys said.
"Yeah, I wonder if their trip here was as enjoyable as ours."
"I think ours will still be the most exciting."
Celestia and Luna watched their guests depart.
"She is quite adept at making friends," Luna commented.
"And at keeping them," Celestia added. Was there a hint of jealously in their voices, perhaps? If there was, it was far too vague to detect and just as easily disappeared. Just because the two sisters were long lived did not mean they had grown accustomed to quick changes. The duration of time, centuries, was just as long to them as a creature who's lifespan is measured in moments. They both knew all too well that no matter how much time is measured, every moment counts. As they watched Twilight, Dan and Chrys depart, their minds drifted back into other moments they remembered from long ago.
Every moment counts...
"As for the rest of you," Celestia said to the guards still bowed, "in light of the preparations for the anniversary, you are all dismissed for the weekend!"
The guards erupted into a cheer and galloped out of the castle like school colts and fillies at recess. They stormed past the two princesses and outside, some throwing off their helmets and leaving them where they dropped. The doors to the castle shut behind them, leaving Celestia and Luna alone in silence together.
"What will we do now, sister?" Luna asked.
Celestia sighed. "We'll do what we can. Whatever they need, whenever they need it... and until then, we'll watch. And wait."
The two sisters cleaned up after their protectors, taking the discarded pieces of armor and straightening out things as they went along. So few things were ever as they were "supposed" to be, changes, compromises continued to flow in and around their lives. And yet, some things remained. It was those things the sisters, old as they were looked on as uncertainty blocked their view of the future.
Celestia and Luna both shared many things. Right at that moment, they shared a feeling together. They realized that the passing of the torch had happened long ago and now they were racing after a light they may never catch up to knowing one day... they will fall behind it.
What they didn't know, what they hadn't learned yet was that the same light, the same torch might be passed to them again. Until then, they would chase after it... perhaps they were even seeing a new light to carry?
Dan and the others reached the rear exit of the castle, the opening to the gardens.
"Ha... ha.... this castle is huge!" Dan said, panting.
"And it's easy to get lost, too," Twilight said, looking for her friends. "Where are Pinkie and the others?"
"I don't know," Chrys said, shading her eyes with a hoof and looking. Of course, her foreleg had holes in it that made shading a bit difficult as light would shine through her perforations.
"Wait, there they are!"
"Twilight!" Rainbow Dash called, leading the rest of her friends behind her. The rainbow mare dashed to Twilight and tackled her, giving her big friend a hug. The others quickly ran and bounced over to her and soon, there was another group hug taking place. Chrys joined the hug and so did Dan.
"Oh my goodness, I'm so happy to finally see you all again!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Twily!" Shining called, walking up the steps to see her with Cadence.
"Shining! Cadence!" Twilight broke from the group hug to join her brother and sister-in-law.
"Twilight, we're so happy you could make it," Cadence said.
"Wouldn't have missed it for anything," Twilight said. Just minutes ago, she was thinking of turning around and going home. How could this change have happened so quickly?
Chrys knew. Friends and family could do that.
"What took you guys so long getting here?" Shining asked.
"WHAT TOOK US SO LONG?!" Dan repeated, exasperated. "YOU FAINTED IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CITY AND WE GOT ARRESTED! WHAT DO YOU THINK TOOK SO LONG?!!"
"We did," Chrys said, stepping forward. "We all did. They thought we were... all of us, were changelings. Invading Canterlot. Again."
Shining put a hoof on his forehead. "Oh, Twily, I'm so sorry. I just... after I woke up in the castle, I thought you were already inside. I didn't know."
"It's okay," Twilight said. "But... why did you just pass out like that?"
The stallion prince put a hoof behind his head. "Well uh, it was... kind of a shock."
"What was kind of a shock?" Cadence asked.
Twilight looked at her brother. "You didn't tell Cadence, did you?"
He smiled bashfully back at her. "Uh, I just uh, didn't really get around to it."
"I think some explainin' is in order," Applejack said, encouraging a little honesty.
Chrys stepped forward. "Allow me," she walked over to Cadence. The pink princess was a bit surprised, maybe even shocked to see the changeling queen emerge from the crowd. Her expression was one of nervousness combined with awkwardness. Nawkwardness, Pinkie thought to herself. "We... kind of figured that me being seen in Canterlot again might frighten a few ponies. So, I changed into you so we could get through the line into the castle. But when Shining saw me..."
Chrys changed into Cadence to give it more of a point. Shining swallowed hard, feeling faint again.
"What happened?" Cadence asked Chrys, now a mirror of herself.
"He kissed me. Then I changed back," she returned to her normal changeling form, "and he passed out. Right in front of everypony."
Dan balled up a fist. "And then the guards arrested us and threw us in jail!"
Cadence actually giggled. "You... kissed Chrysalis?" she asked her husband.
"Please, I didn't know it wasn't you and I-"
"Well, it's not like it was the first time," Cadence said, chuckling.
"Eh heh, I guess your right," Shining said, laughing as well, nervously.
Tail whipped. Ponytail whipped. It happens in Equestria.
"It was hard enough just trying to get here," Dan commented, arms folded. "Finally we've arrived and it looks like the party's over."
"Are you kidding?!" Pinkie shouted. "We just got done with the pre-party party! The REAL party's not till tomorrow! And I'm baking a new cake!"
"We would never have started without you," Fluttershy said.
"If you hadn't showed up, I would've searched all of Canterlot to find you guys!" Rainbow declared.
"Though, I think some of you might be needing some new clothes," Rarity commented, looking at Dan.
Looking down, he realized he was still shirtless. "Yeah, new shirt would be nice. Maybe something durable, fireproof. You guys have that, right?"
Rarity smiled. "I'll see what I can whip up."
"So," Chrys rubbed her hooves together, "Now that we're here, we've got the rest of the day to ourselves before the party! What should we do?"
Shining smiled. "Well, since this is the three of you are going to be staying at the castle, I recommend registering and getting a room."
"Ah, good idea," Chrys agreed.
Pinkie nodded. "I couldn't find you guys after we got separated so I went ahead and got my room already. I don't know about it now, there might be kind of a line."
Dan turned to Pinkie. "How long of a line?"
Just around the back of the castle was guest relations, a registration area for those visiting the castle. Royalty, visitors, guests of all kinds had to register before being allowed to stay within Canterlot castle, princes, princesses, queens, elements of harmony and short-tempred aliens included. Had they arrived early, the registration process would've been a lot short... as would have the line.
The group turned the corner to see a massive qeue of ponies leading into the guest area of the castle. Dan broke down to his hands and knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Chrys put a hoof on Dan's shoulder. "Don't worry, Dan. I'm sure it won't be that long of a wait."
"We'll see you guys in the castle!" Shining said, leading Cadence and Twilight's other friends minus Dan and Chrys back inside.
"We'll meet up with you as soon as you get your rooms!" Twilight called back. "What do you say, Dan? You want to try this again?"
Dan picked his head up. "Well, actually... this one does look shorter. And I think I've waited longer in lines at Disney Land."
Chys smiled. "And with the three of us here, I'm sure we'll be at the front in no time at all."
And so, the trio found a space in line.
You and I, we've been doing this forever And once again, we're in for some bad weather I might be wrong but it seems like we Can't seem to stay out of trouble at least for very long!
You and I, it looks like we're stuck again! And I wonder why, are we just that lucky then? No matter how we try, it always seems that you and I,
Will wind up in some kind of trouble in the end!But I'm happy to be in it right here with you, stuck here with my friends!
It seems that we, whenever we take chances, We run into circumstances, That go upset whatever we plan...
And through it all, no matter what we can do, I'll be right here with you, To help any way I can!
Yes, you and I, It looks like we're stuck again! And I wonder why, Are we just that lucky, then? No matter how we try, It always seems that you and I, Will find ourselves in some kind of trouble in the end! But I'm happy to be right here in it with you, stuck here with my friends!
Are we just two of a kind? In every single incident I find, That some way you and I are intertwined
And although sometimes it's a grind, No matter where we up and wind, If there's a problem, I only have one thing on my mind!
Twilight: Chrys! Chrys: Dan! Dan: TWILIGHT!
You and I, I guess that we're stuck again! And I wonder why, How I can be so lucky, then? That every time, When I find myself stuck in this strange and crazy trend? That you're always right here in it with me... now matter what's around the bend... You're always here to help me, and that makes me so lucky... to be... Stuck here with my friends!
Before long, Dan, Twilight and Chrys were at the front of the line and registered at the castle equivalent to a hotel's front desk. It only took a matter of minutes and they were ready to see the rest of their friends.
"See, Dan? That didn't take long at all," Twilight commented.
"Yeah, it was definitely easier than getting through the barricade," Dan remarked. "But now that we're here, I'm ready to start enjoying myself."
Chrys and Twilight both raised an eyebrow at Dan. "What exactly do you mean by that?"
Dan grinned. "You'll find out. Now, let's get inside and have a good time."
The three entered the castle wondering what the weekend had in store for them. Although, one of them already had a pretty good idea.
What they didn't know was that there was another 'guest' that had ideas of their own. And they were watching them.
Next time on an all-new Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship...
"IT'S TIME TO PARTY!!!"
Let the festivities begin!
"There's something wrong with the fireworks display!
"What's wrong? I think everything's setup properly."
"Except it's pointed at the ground!"
Join the celebration... and the revelation.
"Have you ever wondered why he's here, Twilight? Why he was brought to Equestria?"
"I don't know... there's just so much I don't know... I wasn't ready for this."
"He's unstable! He's a threat to our world, our way of life!"
"Dan is my friend..."
Next Saturday, you're invited...
"They don't have any purpose! There's no meaning for any of this!"
"Failure will mean wasting everything we have done."
"I can get them in there, I can make this work."
To the Danniversary!
"Did you really think you could avoid this?"
"You're going to have to choose, Twilight!"
"Everything in Equestria has a purpose."
Next Saturday, you're invited to...
"Fillies and gentlecolts, the royal court of Equestria hereby presents-"
Dan Vs. A Canterlot Anniversary! It's a night you'll never forget on Dan Vs. the Magic of Friendship!
"What's a party without a little... chaos?"
Only on FIMFiction.net.
Canterlot Royal Guard Station- Castle Precinct Interior Security Camera 8A, West Corridor Warning: Unauthorized Access Detected Time: 14:04
The power was restored quickly to the Canterlot guard station though the reason it went out in the first place remained a mystery. The cameras swept the interior; one in particular picked up quite an interesting conversation. But it wasn't transmitted to any suite in the guardhouse...
"It's right this way, sir," the royal guard said as he escorted the visitor down the hall. "Don't know why you'd want to represent these three. Changelings trying to attack Canterlot, assaulting a prince, causing a panic, and let's not even count the property damage. You must be some kind of dedicated."
(You could say that.) the visitor being escorted thought to himself.
The two turned a corner and approached a cell.
"What?" the guard said as he stared at the empty cell. "They're gone! They've escaped somehow, I don't know but-"
"Calm down," another royal guard, walking down the hall said. "We made a mistake, anyway."
"Mistake?"
"Yep," the new guard said. "It turns out, they were telling the truth. That actually WAS a princess with them and the changeling queen was reformed."
The visitor remained quiet, listening to this interaction.
The first royal guard swallowed hard. "Uh... uh oh. Are you... are you sure?"
"Yeah," the other nodded. "Heard it from Princess Celestia herself. They just registered at the castle, special guests of the princess."
(The police here sound just as 'resourceful' as the ones back home. I wonder if they have a clueless detective too?)
"So... we really arrested Princess Twilight Sparkle? They weren't changelings?"
"Well, one of them was," the second guard responded. "But she's reformed and staying at the castle now."
The first guard swallowed again and turned to face the taller visitor. "Hey, you said they were friends of yours, right?"
"Yeah," the guest replied. (They don't really know I'm here right now but it would be nice to see them again.)
Sweating, the guard asked, "You think you could maybe, put in a good word for me? Apologize for the misunderstanding for me-uh, I mean, for the force?"
"Sure," the visitor said.
The other guard approached the vacant cell and slid back the door. "Looks like the door locks disengaged when the power went out. We must be overdue for maintenance."
(Great. Now they remind me EXACTLY of cops back home.) "You said they were at the castle, right?" the tall visitor asked the other guard stallion.
"Yes, they just registered as guests of the princess."
"I think I'll pay them a visit now," he said, turning and walking away.
"Hey, you'll be sure to tell them how helpful we were, right?" the guard called as he left.
"I'll let them know," the visitor said back as he turned the corner.
"Wow... what a nice bird," the first royal guard said.
"He's not a bird; he's a human," the other informed him.
The first one turned back to him, puzzled. "But he said his name was Phoenix."
The two guards continued their discussion as Phoenix Wright, defense attorney rounded the corner and headed to the exit.
"Oh, excuse me," a hooded stallion said as he passed by.
Phoenix didn't say anything back. While this wasn't the first time he'd visited Equestria, he still found surprises literally around every corner. It was another world, that much was clear but his friends were here. And while it wasn't the specific reason he'd been summoned, he did want to make sure to see them again while he was here.
(I wish I could've brought Maya with me. I'll have to ask if she can come with me next time... before I'm magically summoned to this dimension.)
Phoenix exited the guardhouse, taking a moment to get his bearings before stepping out on the street. He'd only visited Ponyville the last time he was here and still didn't know his way around, well, anywhere in this world. Fortunately, the castle dominated the view of the horizon and so he headed in that direction.
(Even in another dimension, I'm too poor to stay in a place like that.) he thought to himself as he viewed the castle he was approaching.
The streets were vacant in the afternoon but Phoenix noticed a few interesting things, clear evidence of activity. A couple holes in the street, blackened pock-marks scored the cobblestones at various places. Shards of a metallic weapon were scattered around a steel rod sticking out of the middle of the street, how it got there he could only guess. As he got closer to the castle, he noticed a large, wooden barricade separating it from the rest of the street.
(More like Fort Canterlot. How am I supposed to get over this thing?)
"Hey, over here," a voice said to him.
He turned to an alleyway off to the side, a hooded figure stood in the space between buildings.
"You looking to get into the castle?"
"Yes, that is if this is Canterlot Castle," Phoenix answered the stranger.
"Oh, it is," the stranger replied. The figure had a female voice and stepped forward. "You're Phoenix Wright, aren't you?"
"Yes," Phoenix answered. "Do I know you? Were you the one who called me about Twilight?"
"No, that was actually a friend of mine. We've never really met but I have to say, I am a really big fan of yours. I watched that whole trial where you defended Rainbow Dash; it was awesome."
"Thanks..." Phoenix replied. Whoever it was, their face was obscured by a brown hood, unlike the pony he'd bumped into in the guard station. "Are you here with another hooded pony?"
"Oh no, I'm here with a couple other friends. But listen," the mysterious mare stepped forward, "I can't let you into the castle."
Phoenix stepped back. "Why not?"
"Your little friends need to see something very important in the castle and right now, they don't need any distractions. Capiche?"
"No, I don't-capiche? Look, what is it you want?" he demanded the stranger.
"I'm really sorry to do this Nick; like I said, I'm a big fan. I hope you'll sign my autograph after this."
"After what?!"
The mare raised a hooded foreleg and out flowed a jet of vapor. In an instant, Phoenix was enveloped in a cloud of pinkish gas.
"Gah-*cough*-geh, uhhhh" he passed out, collapsing in a heap on the road.
"Sweet dreams, Mr. Wright," the hooded mare said, stepping over him. The cloud quickly dissipated and she reached a hoof into his coat pocket, pulling out his cell phone.
Raising it to her ear, the mysterious assailant called a number that only she knew.
"Hello?" the familiar voice on the other end answered.
"It's me. I just took care of your 'plan b'."
"He's not going to interfere?"
"No, not for a while, at least. You want me to send him back?"
The voice on the other end was silent for a moment. "No, we might need him again. Put him someplace out of the way and make sure he doesn't see you when he wakes up."
"Understood." The mare closed the phone and put it back in the unconscious lawyer's pocket, not noticing a glowing stone next to it. She dragged him into the alleyway and down into the basement of a deserted store, a bakery.
Episode 6: Danifest Mestiny- Dan Vs. A Canterlot Anniversary
Twilight Sparkle quickly learned Dan had a very unique idea of how to have a "good time" in Canterlot. Galloping as fast as her legs could go, she asked Chrys next to her, "Why did we agree to this again?"
"Dan wouldn't tell us what it was unless we agreed to do it before!"
"But I DIDN'T agree to it!"
"No," Chrys smiled, "but Pinkie did!"
"Pick it up, you two! MUSH! MUSH!" Dan shouted. Behind the reigns of a chariot pulled by Twilight and Chrys, Dan grinned as the ponies carried his vehicle faster and faster. "We're almost on them!"
Dan's chariot chased Pinkie Pie's being pulled by Rainbow Dash and Applejack. The earth pony and Pegasus were faster than the princess and queen and were pacing themselves along the length of the Canterlot stadium track. Seeing this as an opportunity, Dan yelled at his respective pullers to close the gap between their competitors and take the lead.
"Dan..." Twilight panted, almost out of breath, "they're too fast... we can't beat Rainbow and AJ on hoof. Besides, they're a lap ahead of us."
"Oh, yes we can!" Dan affirmed. "Keep going!"
"Grrr-unnh!" Twilight groaned, running faster. Harnessed to Dan's chariot, she didn't see how any of this could possibly be a form of entertainment but her friends seemed to be enjoying it.
As Dan's chariot approached, Pinkie turned around and waved to her competition. "Hey guys! Isn't this fun?"
"For you*pant* maybe," Twilight gasped.
"Beating a princess AND a queen in a chariot race!" Rainbow thought aloud, pulling the lead cart with Applejack. "Best vacation ever!"
"I bet not even the Wonderbolts have ever takin' on a princess and won," Applejack agreed. The two were working together, a pair of the fastest ponies in Equestria and it showed. They hadn't even broken a sweat to get a commanding lead over Dan, Chrys and Twilight. Even Pinkie was enjoying herself though, the only way she wouldn't have been enjoying herself is if she'd been Discord'd again. The only way to cancel out energetic, enthusiastic spontaneity was with more of the same.
And unlike the ponies, Dan was fully aware of this.
Twilight and Chrys were scant few feet away from Pinkie. "One more lap, guys!" Pinkie called behind her. "You think you can keep up?"
"Oh, we're gonna do better than keep up! Twilight, teleport us right in front of them!"
"What?!" Twilight almost turned around to accuse Dan.
"NOW!!"
Twilight cast the spell as instructed and instantaneously, their chariot disappeared and reappeared in front of Pinkie's.
"What?! Hey!" Rainbow shouted and them, now in front of her. "What gives? That's cheating!"
"Relax, Rainbow," Applejack told her, "They're still a whole lap behind us. There's no way they can beat us ta the finish line."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that!" Dan turned around, grinning.
"What? Are you going to drop a banana peel in front of us?"
"Not quite," Dan reached into his pocket and pulled out a pastry.
"Oh no," Applejack said as Dan held up the baked good for the three of them to see. Pinkie's eyes went wide as she gazed upon the confectionary treat, her one weakness: cupcakes. Well, technically any sugary treat was her weakness but especially things that involved cake. Cups, pans, bunts, even fruitcakes on Hearth's Warming Eve.
"So? It's a cupcake, big deal. What're you going to do with-"
Pinkie was instantly mesmerizing by the pink frosting-covered treat. "CUPCAKE!!"
"Pinkie..."
Dan waved the cupcake back and fourth at his competitor. "That's right, Pinkie. Cupcake~"
"Oooooh~"
"You want it?"
Pinkie nodded emphatically.
"Pinkie!..." AJ chastised. Was she really going to fall for this?
Dan threw the cupcake off to the side of the track. "Go get it!"
And Applejack's question was answered. Pinkie immediately jerked the reigns back. Being harnessed in, Rainbow Dash and Applejack were forced to react to Pinkie's motion, pulling the chariot in a sharp right to compensate. One of the wheels came off the ground in the maneuver while the other scraped up the dirt.
"DAN!!" Rainbow and Applejack shouted as they were literally left in the dust.
Dan laughed as his chariot blew down the track. "I knew beating them would be a piece of cake!"
"Dan, that was cheating!" Twilight shouted behind her. She would've stopped to confront his actions but she was pulling the cart. "Also, don't you mean cupcake?"
"It's not going to help us much anyway; we're still a lap behind and this is the last lap," Chrys remarked.
"Not for long," Dan said back. The chariot pulled around the corner and crossed the goal line of the massive oval track. Pinkie had leapt from her vehicle to retrieve the cupcake once they'd stopped; Rainbow Dash and Applejack were both trying to get her to return to the race. With only one length of the course remaining for them, all they had to do was get Pinkie back at the reigns and round the last leg to win.
"Pinkie, it fell in the dirt!" Rainbow yelled.
"It's still good! It just needs to be dusted off!"
"C'mon now, we're almost at the end! Get back in the chariot and let's finish this!" Applejack chastised, looking to the goal line.
Dan gritted his teeth and gripped the reigns tightly. The chariot rounded the corner, about to pass Pinkie, Rainbow and Applejack again. "Come on, Twilight, we've got this!"
The purple princess was almost completely exhausted. "Next time,*pant*... I'm getting*pant*... my own*pant* chariot."
"Pinkie, they're almost going to pass us!" Rainbow shouted.
"Fine!" Pinkie said, abandoning her search for the wayward cupcake. She returned to the reigns of the chariot and pulled it back into position, starting up again.
"Hey Pinkie!" Dan yelled from behind.
Pinkie turned around. "What?"
As Dan and the others passed them, he tossed another cupcake at the ground.
"MINE!!" Pinkie dove out of the cart. Applejack and Rainbow both facehooved as Dan's chariot passed them again.
Chrys chuckled to herself. "I guess she didn't know the cake was a lie, err, trap."
"*pant* Once again, that was a cupcake," Twilight reminded them. "And it's still...*gasp* cheating!"
"Well, we didn't really set any ground rules to this," Chrys said gleefully as she galloped.
"Ha ha ha!" Dan laughed triumphantly. He knew Twilight's friends would do their best to play fair; that's why he set up the teams this way. Rainbow Dash and Applejack were the fastest pair in Equestria and Dan knew that. What he wanted to show everypony was that there were more advantages than just speed, including understanding your opponent. The finish line was in sight as they made the final turn. "That's how you race! Nothing held back, no rules, a contest of more than just-"
A crackling explosion interrupted Dan. In the fraction of a second, his chariot was practically blown off the road as a force rushed by. His hair was blasted forward as a cloud of dust covered him, Twilight and Chrys. It didn't take him long to realize what happened.
"Woo hoo!" Pinkie yelled as she rode by on Applejack, literally tied to her back with the reigns. The dust quickly cleared and Dan saw the finish line directly ahead. With Rainbow Dash leaning on one of the goal posts. AJ and Pinkie crossed just ahead of them.
Rarity applauded the chariot racers from the stands, cheering them as she trotted down to the racetrack to see them.
"Good job, y'all!" Applejack said, turning to Dan and the others.
"Yep, nice nice everypony," Rainbow agreed.
Dan immediately dismounted his chariot. "That's not fair! You didn't finish with your chariot; you should all be disqualified!"
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Oh, unfair like the way you distracted Pinkie with a cupcake?"
Dan gritted his teeth but couldn't think of anything to say. His plan had backfired and he'd been the one taught a lesson. He'd planned on teaching Twilight and the others how to find other ways out in situations rather than just playing by the rules. But they already knew this, knew how to think outside the box and when to bend the rules. So why didn't Twilight ever do that on her own?
"That was cheating, Dan," Twilight said, unharnessing herself.
"And it was delicious!" Pinkie added, licking the frosting off her muzzle.
"What an incredible sport!" Rarity commented. "I don't think I've ever witnessed anything like that before. The speed, the tension, the exhilaration!"
"The dust, the dirt, the heat and sweat," Applejack coyly reminded Rarity. The white mare bit her lip in response.
"Well, I still enjoyed it as a spectator."
Fluttershy walked down from the stairs herself, followed by another pony.
"So anyway, how long ya stayin' in Canterlot for?"
"Well, not long, actually," she informed the stranger. "I'm just here for my friends, really."
"Ah, tha's nice," the stallion replied. The strange brown-coated, brown-maned colt seemed a bit more interested in Fluttershy than the actual conversation. "So, you like music?"
She nodded. "Yeah... well, these are my friends," she said, arriving in front of Dan and the group.
"Oh, all right," the stallion responded. "Well, it was nice chattin' with ya. Drop by and see us nes time you're in the castle garden!" he turned and left.
Eyes fixated on the ground, Fluttershy walked over to the others.
Eyebrow raised, Twilight asked, "What was that about? Did you meet somepony new?"
The yellow mare nodded, not speaking.
Rainbow hovered over to her. "Were you trying to 'meet' the animals in the Canterlot Gardens again?"
Again, Fluttershy nodded. "But... I only ended up meeting the gardener again."
Applejack grinned. It seemed Dan wasn't the only one who wasn't exactly playing by the rules. "Well, at least ya kept a cool head this time."
"I actually hadn't started looking yet..." Fluttershy admitted. "I was caught before I could even dive into the first bush."
Dan shrugged. "Maybe you should've disguised yourself as a gardener or one of the castle's attendants," he suggested.
"I might be able to help you," Chrys said. "I could transform into you and we could try distracting them."
Fluttershy smiled. They made her feel better about the situation. Even though she hadn't found the animals she had been looking for, she at least had her friends.
"It's okay," Fluttershy smiled softly. "I'm sure if I spend enough time around the castle grounds, they'll warm up to me."
Twilight Sparkle watched the entire interaction, genuinely surprised and for the first time in a long time, happily surprised. While she knew Applejack and the others would be helpful and supportive, she was overjoyed to see Dan and Chrys offer advice as well. Two of her newest friends were finally interacting with her other friends, contributing and helping one another. It was finally starting to seem like Dan and Chrys were part of the group as well.
"Well, I thought the race was most enjoyable," Chrys said, grinning contently. She hadn't even broken a sweat during the competition, possibly because her body was more aerodynamic. "Wouldn't you agree, Dan?"
"Heh," Dan sighed, "Yeah, that was pretty fun. Glad I could make things interesting."
Smiling, they all came together in a group hug. So many differences among them, so many things that could separate them but at that moment, nothing did. They were held together by a strong bond, one of love, caring and understanding. Different points of view, different backgrounds and behaviors, different interests and beliefs, while in many cases caused conflict, in this case, were bolstered by the love they shared for one another. The things that made each of them unique didn't hinder their relationship; they were made stronger by it.
"Got any more fun ideas, Dan?" Pinkie asked.
Dan thought for a moment. "Yes, actually. Lunch."
Lunch, or dinner rather, was served for Dan, Twilight and company in a small, private dining hall in the castle. Prepared by Canterlot's own chefs, Princess Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor and Cadence joined the rest of them at the table while attendants brought out portions of the meal.
A pink Pegasus servant placed a bowl of green veggies in front of Dan. "Caramelized cucumber and carrot salad, sir."
"Can I get ranch with this?"
"Of course, sir."
Adjusting to the Equestrian diet had actually been quite easy for Dan. While many omnivores who regularly indulged in the consumption of meat as often as he had on Earth would be quite remiss at the sudden change, Dan considered it more than a fair trade for not having to deal with the frustrations back home. That, and he found out quickly how well ponies can cook. Fast food was convenient but can also be bland; Dan was happy to have a full range of flavors to experience again even if meat wasn't one of them.
Deep-fried fudge-covered onions(the original 'funions), potato-queso tomato tamales, breaded barbecue beets, parmesan pickle and pepper pasta and sweet and sour soybean and celery sandwiches with extra sauce were among Dan's favorite dishes.
Seated five on each side with Princess Celestia and Luna on opposite ends, the group dug in to their respective dishes. Drinks were poured,- tea, water with lemon, cider for Rainbow Dash, a modified Equestrian adaptation of an Arnold Palmer for Dan called a Barnold Palmer(one-third iced tea, one-third lemonade, one-third cider) and a chocolate milkshake with bananas, whipped cream and a cherry on top for Pinkie Pie. A literal sundae in a glass for the pink mare, she also requested a crazy-bendy straw, as in a straw that is both loopy and bends in any direction.
"I'm so happy all of you could come," Celestia announced. "Our duties make it difficult at times for us all to meet but I'm happy all of you could attend this special occasion."
"I know having a huge party like isn't the normal thing you do for your two year anniversary," Shining began, "but we wanted to see you all, so we figured, why not invite everypony to the castle?"
Cadence nodded. "And it's also sort of the way we both met. At Stablecon in Canterlanta over ten years ago."
Shining chuckled. "Well, we didn't officially met until you started foalsitting Twily."
"But when I saw your band playing, I just knew I had to meet you and I found out you were in Canterlot so..." she trailed off in a lovey-dovey manner.
"Some things are just meant to be," Shining finished. The two nuzzled.
Rarity and Chrys both held their hooves to their hearts. "So romantic," the two said simultaneously, echoing.
Dan and Rainbow Dash both continued eating, only half-paying attention while the others emitted adorable "aw's". None of them noticed Luna's chair and its occupant had mysteriously vanished.
"After dinner, we have a couple things left to do for the festivities tomorrow," Cadence said. "But afterward, I was hoping we could maybe all go out and do something together."
"That sounds like a good idea," Applejack remarked, taking a swig from her mug.
Rarity perked up. "Would there be time for shopping?"
"Or... maybe, to visit the garden?" Fluttershy added.
"Are the Wonderbolts in town?" Rainbow asked, looking around the very room.
Twilight waved a hoof. "Is there anything you need help with for the party?"
"Please everypony," Celestia waved them down. "We'll have plenty of time for everything. And I don't think we'll be needing any help for the celebration. Everything will be taken care of; we all should go out and enjoy ourselves."
"You're coming with us?!" the group asked in unison.
Celestia smiled. "Well, that is, if I'm invited."
A chorus of approval and reassurance began followed by enthusiasm and enthusiastic outing suggestions. Twilight was very happy, overjoyed that she would be spending time with all of her friends, her family and her teacher. Whatever small pain she felt at trying to remember the last time an event like this had occurred(never because it hadn't) was quickly quashed by the excitement of thinking about the evening ahead. She didn't even need to suggest an activity; whatever they decided to do together, Twilight would enjoy.
"Begging your pardon, your majesties," the pegasus attendant interrupted, "there appears to be some error with Master Dan's registration in the castle record; I require just a moment of his time."
"Oh," Celestia said, stopping. Like her former student, Celestia was aware of Dan's patience for such things; she knew he didn't have any. "I'm sure we can get somepony else to take a look at that after-"
"No no, it's all right," Dan raised his hands, having finished his meal, and rose from his seat. "I'll just take care of it now. Something I need to sign?" he asked the attendant. Dan was also aware that others were aware of his impatience.
"Yes sir, it's just right out here," the attendant lowered his head.
"You guys keep planning what we'll do tonight, I'll be back in a minute," he said, following the pegasus out of the room.
"All right, Dan," Twilight said, smiling. It was nice seeing him patient for once. Maybe this vacation would be the start of something new. Of course, she knew how likely that was. So she resolved herself to enjoy the evening ahead and recommended that the group stop by the Canterlot Library at some point tonight.
Dan followed the royal servant into a hallway and around a corner. He was in the depths of the castle somewhere, that much he knew but everything looked so much alike. The doors, the archways, everything was so lavish it seemed to blend in.
"I'm sorry about this; I left the paperwork at the security office just down the hall," the guard apologized without looking over his shoulder.
"It's all right," Dan said. His eyes were fixated on everything else.
The pegasus stopped in front of a smaller door and opened it for Dan. "It's just through here, sir."
Dan raised an eyebrow for a moment at the attendant. The pegasus spoke with the close-eyed mannerisms of one who'd served royalty all their life but something about all this was just on the edge of suspicious. Still, clerical errors did happen, even in Equestria. Not thinking as much as he should've, he stepped through the door.
The hall beyond was just as luxurious as the one he'd just been led through, if not more. However, instead of mostly gold, there were more silver and blue tones in places. The icons and fixtures, the molding on the wall all emblazoned the moon rather than the sun or other elements. Dan marveled at this architecture as well, wondering why there had been such an abrupt change. He took a few steps into the room, looking at everything.
"Okay, what do I have to sign or-"
The pegasus attendant closed the door behind him from the outside.
Dan's eyes went wide. "Hey!" He ran to the door and turned the nob. Of course he knew already; it was locked. This was a trap and he'd fallen for it.
"What's the big idea?! Open up! Let me out of here!" He pulled the door, yanked it but it didn't budge. He tried banging on the door. "Help! Somepony get me out of here!"
The lights high above him flickered, catching his attention. He turned around. The high ceiling made him feel uncomfortable, like danger could be hiding anywhere. There was a massive mural, a painting on the ceiling of Princess Luna with the moon in the center and the expanse of space to the side. This was a corridor of the night.
He turned back to the door, pounding on it. "SOMEPONY!!" he yelled. The lights then went out. The room instantly became pitch black; there were no cracks in the doorway for light to peak through. Dan pressed his back against the door, hoping somepony on the other side had heard him. But not a sound was uttered. He felt his heart hit his throat, he breathed in and out trying to remain calm as nothing but blackness and silence was all around him.
Something happened then. The door he was leaning against disappeared. How he didn't know; he had been pressed against something one moment and then its presence was gone the next like it had dematerialized. Dan nearly had to stop himself from falling over. The floor still seemed to be there at his feet but he turned around to feel the door and felt nothing. The wall was gone.
There was no sound, no light, just Dan alone in the darkness. "Hello? Anypony?" he asked, his voice becoming terrified. The air was cool like he was standing outside. He took a cautious step forward, checking his footing to make sure the floor was still there.
Suddenly, lights appeared behind him, shining off his arms. He turned around to see... well, he didn't know what he saw. Panes, flat planes of some kind like pictures or screens hanging in the darkness. They created a corridor like the one he'd just been in. Stars, cosmic lights and colors hung overhead. It was like he was in a planetarium all of a sudden. The panes didn't illuminate much, not even the floor beneath him.
Did he accidentally step into an observatory or something? Was that it? Had that attendant just left him in the waiting room and he was waiting for him to get back? Maybe he touched something he shouldn't have. All these thoughts swirled around his head but none of them made any sense. Whether out of curiosity or fear he did not know, but Dan stepped forward and began walking down the hall of panes.
The strange floating panes hung at eyelevel to Dan and displayed the same images on both sides. But the image they displayed was... static. Snow, fuzz, signal distortion like from a television set on the wrong channel was displayed. They also produced the sound of static. Dan continued walking down them, examining all of them. Some of them produced pictures through the static, like a broadcast trying to come through.
Looks like they need to adjust their reception, Dan thought to himself. He watched one of the panes for a moment. A picture broke fourth and played for a second:
A balding individual in a yellow collared shirt and tie was leading an individual through a car dealership. "Now, I know it's not much to look at but it gets a full 38 miles to the gallon and if you travel to L.A you know what kind of traffic you can expect."
"You're gonna charge me 2800 dollars for this piece of junk?!" Dan shouted. Well, not the Dan that was watching but the Dan that was apparently in the picture. Dan recognized the video immediately; it was from his own point-of-view, his perspective. It was the day he bought his car from the dealership.
Dan's voice shook. "What... what is this?"
"You know what it is," a voice from behind him spoke, another familiar voice.
He turned around. "Who said that? Show yourself!"
A hooded pony stepped forward from further down the hall. "Hello, Dan."
"Who are you?" Dan demanded from the stranger.
The stranger said nothing but stepped over to the pane Dan had been watching. "Curious, isn't it? I don't know why they're doing this."
"Doing what?! What are you talking about?!"
The hooded pony put a hoof to her chin. "Your memories. I'm not able to read them that easily; it's very hard to make them out."
"My... my memories?" Dan asked. "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? WHO ARE YOU?!" he screamed.
The stranger pulled back the hood. "I don't know why they're doing this but it's nothing like any other pony's... or any other creatures in Equestria, for that matter. I admit, I'm not my sister but it's still one of the many questions I'd like an answer to."
Dan squinted. The mare was clearly illuminated through the darkness. "You..." He'd seen her before but had forgotten her name. "You were with Princess Celestia. What was your name again?"
"I'm Princess Luna," the mare said. "Princess of the moon and guardian of Equestria at night. Princess Celestia is my older sister."
"Why are you here? Why am I here? WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?! What is all this?!"
The lunar alicorn let a second pass. "Not exactly the Royal Canterlot Voice but I suppose it's no longer used anyway."
Dan walked right up to her. "What are we doing here?" he asked, more curious than enraged.
"I've been watching you, Dan, watching you and my sister's student for a very long time," she said, turning around.
Dan noticed the memory panes still hanging. "I noticed that, I think the question is why?"
"The safety of Equestria is and always shall be my top priority, Dan. You're an interesting subject, not from our world and yet a part of it. But it seems you haven't left everything from the world you're from behind," she informed him, walking further down the hall.
Dan had no choice but to follow her.
"You're not the first human to ever set foot on Equestria but you're the only one who's stayed. It's because of your prolonged stay that we've become interested in you, who you are, where you come from."
"What are you doing with my... my memories?" Dan asked.
"As I said, Equestria's safety is my utmost priority. Please, follow me." What choice did Dan have? He followed. The pair walked past several mirror panes. It seemed like there were dozens, dozens of images and pictures displaying partial visions of his past. Windows to his world only broken.
Luna stopped at one in the back.
"What is this?"
"Please, just watch," she said. "This is the one I've been able to get through the most, the one we're... interested in."
Unlike the others, this one was significantly clearer:
"Chris! Dan! Both of you, settle down back there!" a voice in the video yelled. Dan recognized that voice, too: his history teacher in sixth grade, Mr. Bluffman. "All right, I want you all to turn your textbooks to page three-hundred and forty-five so we can continue where we left off yesterday."
It was a classroom; Dan was sitting at a desk with about four-dozen other students. His best friend Chris was right next to him along with a few others. The picture looked down ad the younger Dan complied with the instruction. He turned his textbook to the described page and the section the class was about to go over. On the right page were two black-and-white pictures: one of three men sitting in chairs somewhere and another of a man in a cap standing on a platform saluting with an out-stretched hand as a crowd marched by. The left page simply held the title in large, bold letters:
Section 8: World War II (1939 - 1945)
"I remember this.... World History. I actually did well in that class," Dan said, recollecting.
Luna stared at the picture, a cold, serious expression on her face. "This portion of your planet's history... is of great concern to us." She turned and walked toward another of the floating memories, Dan followed her.
The next one in line was the same history class but this time, the lights were off. In the classroom, a large projector screen duct taped to the floor displayed black-and-white video images, film clips from World War II. Dan's education had been thorough: his instructors had done their best to make sure students were taught all subjects. Humanity's history, including the violent conflicts and crimes prevalent throughout it had not been spared during his studying.
The projector displayed black-and-white footage from the final days of World War II, the end of the conflict. One clip captured massive a explosion from far away. A huge cloud shot up from the ground like a tree. It grew to the size of a mountain and then expanded outward on top like a puffy, gray umbrella. A mushroom cloud. The video then jumped to other images: destroyed buildings, wreckage, a city transformed into a wasteland. The aftermath.
The memory pane flipped back to the picture of the cloud and froze.
Slowly, Luna turned to Dan. "What is this?"
Dan thought for a moment, trying to remember back. "That's... uh... that's..." the name was on the tip of his tongue. "Hiroshima! That's Hiroshima, the bombing."
Luna's face grew even more serious. "We must make sure this 'hiroshma' never comes to Equestria."
Dan shook his head. "No, Hiroshima's the city, it was bombed. That's the atomic bombing, one of them."
"One of them?" she stepped forward. "There are more of these?"
"No,- I mean," he pinched the bridge of his nose. Was he really going to have to explain this? "That was a bombing, a bomb caused that, the A-bomb, err, atomic bomb."
She looked back at the picture. "One bomb did this?"
"Yeah...," Dan said, looking back into his own memories himself. "It happened a long time ago, before I was even born." He could tell Luna had apparently been shaken up by what she'd seen. Had she seen all of World War II? The Nazi oppression, the holocaust, the Japanese occupations, America's internment of Jap-American civilians, the Disney cartoons? How much of his memories had she seen?
Luna looked down. "I don't know why but I'm not able to read all of your memories, not completely. It seems magic works differently on you for some reason. That's why I brought you here, Dan. We must make sure that nothing like this EVER happens in Equestria."
"Hey," Dan put a hand on her hooded shoulder. "You've got nothing to worry about. There aren't any nuclear bombs here in this world. We've got peace here, part of the reason I love being in Equestria so much."
The princess turned back to him, her face fierce now. "But how did you get here? Why were you summoned here?"
He didn't have an answer for that. "I, I don't know."
"As I said, you're not the first human to be brought to Equestria. Most of the others have come and gone but you stayed. Why?" she gestured outward with her hoof. "The others all had a purpose, some sort of reason for being here and when it was over, they left. But you stayed."
Dan shook his head. "I... I don't know why I'm here. Who else has been summoned?"
"Lawyers, doctors, artists, teachers," she listed quickly. "But we never knew Earth was like this!"
"Calm down," Dan said, smiling. He was starting to have trouble taking her seriously. "I'm not going to start a war."
"You've certainly caused a lot of destruction, more than your fair share since you arrived," she shot back.
He opened his mouth, then closed and thought. She had a point. "Well, I'm not going to build a bomb!"
"How long will it be until a human comes here that does?!" Luna shouted. "What if one of those hirosma-causing things is summoned here? How do we defend ourselves."
"Easy!" Dan exclaimed. "You've got..." Another memory, this one more recent, hit him smack in the face. "Shields..."
Luna picked up on what he was saying right away. She knew he was beginning to put the pieces together. Grabbing her cell phone from her coat pocket, she considered calling the other interested party. Then quickly changed her mind.
"You may have noticed that we've been implementing some new defensive technology lately," Luna said, turning back around. She taped one of the panes and it changed to a blank white screen. "Disappearing magic, the sonic cannon, the platform you encountered on the train and the electric shield are all new inventions we've developed since you've arrived here."
Dan was shocked. "You... you built those things to defend against... me?"
"Against you, against anything that dared threaten Equestria. But there are still many things we can't defend against. For some reason, things from Earth continue to find their way into our world so we MUST be prepared," she pointed a hoof on Dan's chest. "For EVERYTHING. You've only seen a fraction of what we've created so far but with Twilight's help, we should be able to get a complete reading of all your memories and-"
"Wait," he stopped her. "What'd you say about Twilight? She knows about all of this?"
Luna smiled coyly at Dan. "Of course. How do you think we extracted your memories?"
Dan's jaw dropped. "What?" He refused to believe it. "No... no, not Twilight. Not Twilight Sparkle,- she wouldn't do that, she's-"
"A princess and an Equestrian, Dan. She was chosen to lead our kind to greatness, to protect our nation against all threats from the outside..." she turned away, "...and from within."
Dan shook his head. "No, I don't believe you. She wouldn't do that to-"
"HER FRIEND?!!" Luna screamed, her voice echoing through the dark. "Is that what you thought you were to her?!"
"I AM HER FRIEND!!!" Dan screamed back. His fists were now balled; he was done dancing in the dark.
"You're an alien, an invader from a world that knows only disharmony, violence and pain! That's why she helped me copy your memories the first day you passed out on in her living room!"
"NO!!" Dan's voice echoed, louder than Luna's. Tears were beginning to form in his eyes as emotions raged within him. "SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT!"
The dark princess smirked. "You don't believe me?" Her horn glowed. The images all around Dan changed into something else; now their pictures displayed Twilight's house. Dan, fast asleep on the floor glowed under the influence of a spell being cast by a purple unicorn nearby.
"No..." Dan's voice became a whisper. He clutched the sides of one of the panes, his hands running right through the image. He punched it. "No!" the picture replayed. "NO!" The image replayed again. "NO!!" once more. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Dan felt his legs become weak. His knees buckled and he fell to the ground, unable to stand. How could he have let this happen? How could Twilight have done this? He'd been played, used the moment he landed in Equestria and every moment since. Of all the individuals he had met, of all the people, ponies and personalities he had encountered he had never expected something like this from one of his friends. He was used to being taken advantage of, used to being judged, insulted, kicked and beaten, put down, shot down and cut down to size every which way there was but there was one thing he had never anticipated, one thing he wasn't ready for and it had happened to him.
Dan had been betrayed.
He wanted to scream but his throat ached, burned. His teeth were gritted, his fists were balled and he was shaking but not with rage this time. It was an unfamiliar emotion, one he didn't feel often. But like the panes that had displayed his memories, he was able to recall exactly what he was feeling no matter how foreign it felt. He was sad.
The lights kicked on overhead. Dan looked up to see he was in the same hallway he'd been in before. He looked around; he was alone. Luna was nowhere to be seen. He would've almost believed it had all been a dream, wanted to believe it had been his imagination.
"Ha ha ha ha..."
Until he heard Luna's laughter.
"Where is Dan?" Twilight asked. Almost ready to leave, the group was now wondering where their missing member was.
"I don't know. He's been gone quite a while," Chrys commented, looking toward the door to the castle hall.
"Maybe he got lost," Pinkie said. "He could've gotten trapped in one of the walls or the paintings! He could be stuck in alternate dimension where he has to collect gold stars to open doors to fight an evil king and save the princess!"
The room instantaneously became quiet at Pinkie Pie's suggestion. Wide eyes stared at the pink mare, an inquisition of eyeballs.
Standing on her back hooves, she grasped her forelegs behind her back and looked away. "What? It could happen..."
Celestia chuckled, breaking the silence. "You certainly have quite the imagination, Pinkie. But it can be very easy to lose your way in the castle if you're unfamiliar with the layout."
"That's true," Twilight agreed, "but he was accompanied by one of the castle's attendants. I wouldn't think signing something would take so long."
"Maybe we should go look for him," Fluttershy suggested, her voice just loud enough to here.
Twilight nodded. "Good idea. We can find him and then head out together!"
Leading the way, Chrys almost had her hoof on the hallway door when it opened.
"Hey gang!" Dan greeted as he stepped in. "Everything's cleared up. We all ready to go?"
"Oh," Twilight understood. "Well, um, we kind of decided what we were going to do first without you, Dan. I... uh..." she started stammering, realizing they hadn't considered Dan when choosing the evening's activities.
"Oh ho, it's all right, princess," Dan grinned and slapped her on the shoulder. "I'm always up for anything you guys want to do. So, what's first on the agenda?"
Twilight genuinely smiled. What was going on here? Dan seemed enthusiastic and... flexible. What was in that salad? For a split second, she was actually at a loss for words.
"Is there anything you'd like to do while we're here, Dan?" Chrys asked.
Dan chuckled. "Oh no Chrysalis, I'm perfectly fine just hanging out with all of you. Whatever you all decide to do, I'm up for."
Chrys immediately raised an eyebrow. 'Princess'? 'Chrysalis'?
The others smiled eagerly. "Well, I thought our first stop should be downtown," Rarity said, stepping forward to the door. "Of course, I've already designed some outfits for all of us for tomorrow but I do feel an obligation to check in on the latest fashions."
Rainbow sighed heavily. "Haven't we seen enough clothes?"
The unicorn fashion designer didn't even turn around. "Don't be silly, darling."
"It's nice to shop for others and occasionally update the castle wardrobe," Celestia remarked, taking up the rear of the group.
As they proceeded into the hallway, Chrys leaned over to Twilight. "Hey, Twilight?"
"Yes, Chrys?"
"Do you notice anything... strange about Dan?"
Twilight turned to her as they walked. "Yes, he seems to be getting along a lot better. I don't know what's came over him but I'm really happy about it."
"That's just it, Twilight," Chrys whispered. "I think something might have actually come over him."
"What... what do you mean?" Twilight asked, not fully understanding. "You think it might've been some kind of magic?"
"I'm not sure."
Twilight shook her head. "Maybe he's just had a change of heart after meeting the princess. After everything we've been through, all that's happened, finally getting here might've made him more open to things, a bit more flexible."
Chrys raised an eyebrow at Twilight. "Do you really think that?"
Twilight looked away, thinking. "I... I don't know. I- I guess,-"
"Let's find out," Chrys said. She nudged her way to the front where 'Dan' marched alongside Rarity. The other five ponies were busy talking as Chrys tapped Rarity on the shoulder.
"Um, Rarity?"
"Uh, yes?" Rarity asked, startled by Chrys. She still wasn't entirely used to having her around, as were a few others.
"Can I speak to you for a moment over here?"
"Um, sure what is-"
The queen pulled the white unicorn to the side as the others walked past a ways. "You made Dan a new change of clothes when we got in the castle, right?"
"Y-yes, I did," Rarity answered.
"Did you change anything about his clothes? The patterns, stitching, anything?"
"Why, no, I just repaired his old shirt using some restoring magic and threading. It was-"
"What about the logo?" Chrys asked, interrupting. "Did you do anything to the logo?"
"No, no I didn't touch it. I mean, I'm not used to working with human fabrics and I did have to restore a lot of it but it should've come out exactly as it was before," Rarity explained.
Chrys' eyes narrowed. "Thank you, Rarity, I was just curious." She walked forward to quickly rejoin the others.
"Any time," Rarity said nervously, following suit.
"What was that about?" the others turned as Chrys approached. "Something wrong?" Celestia asked.
"Um, no," Chrys said. "Everything's fine, I just had to ask Rarity about some clothes." Technically true, so Applejack's truthdar didn't go off.
"We could get ya some new duds while we're out!" AJ suggested.
"Great, great, that sounds great!" Chrys said, forcing a smile. The other ponies turned around and continued walking through the halls.
They turned a corner and that's when the changeling queen decided to make her move. She edged her way closer to the front of the line to Dan.
"Hey, Dan?"
"Oh, hi Chrysalis! This castle sure is big, isn't it?"
"Yeah," she responded to the overly-cheesy Dan. "I was wondering, did you do something new with your shirt?"
The young man looked down. "Um... no, I don't think so?"
Chrys glared at the emblem. The white letters that spelled JERK were a trademark of Dan's wardrobe, a part of his outfit for as long as she'd known him. Despite the fact they'd been damaged in their previous attempt to enter Canterlot, Rarity had repaired them and last Chrys remembered, they had turned out the same as when he'd last worn them. But now, for some reason she felt she knew, the letters were reversed. Dan's jet-black shirt now spelled KREJ instead.
"Oh, I'm sorry, just checking," Chrys rubbed the back of her neck nonchalantly. "Say, Dan, I was meaning to ask you-"
"Hey, what's the hold up?" Rainbow asked. The group stopped before the two standing in the hallway.
Chrys looked back to the others. Five quizzical faces, plus Twilight's nervous expression stared back at her. Celestia held a small frown but otherwise remained un-phased by what was transpiring. "Oh, nothing, it's just-" She had to think of something, something quick.
"What is it, Chrysalis?" 'Dan' asked.
"I was just... I was just wondering if you had your cell phone on you," Chrys said.
"My... my c-cell phone?" he asked.
"Yes, I was wanting to get my own while we were here in Canterlot and wanted to see what kind of model you were using, Dan."
The human started to look nervous. He looked to the others who stared back at him, seven sets of large pony eyes awaiting his response.
"Uh... um, I..."
"Did you lose your phone somewhere, Dan?" Pinkie asked-suggested.
Chrys shot the pink mare a glare.
"Yes!" Dan quickly answered, slightly relieved. "Yeah, I must've, oh! I forgot it back at the room."
Chrys quirked an eyebrow. "We haven't gone to our rooms, yet."
The biped swallowed hard. "I... I meant back in uh, back the office where I signed that security information. I must've taken out my phone there."
Chrys started walking forward again. "Well, we can go get it before we leave."
"WAIT!" Dan shouted and held his hand out to stop her.
Slowly, Chrys turned back to him. Again, the others looked at him as well.
"I... uh... let's just go without it. I don't want to deal with any security stuff right now. It'll be safe when we get back," he insisted.
"You could get a new one while we're here in Canterlot!" Rarity suggested. "While we're out shopping, of course."
"Great idea! Let's get going," Dan said, turning back around.
"Dan, wait," Chrys stopped him one last time.
Turning to her with his teeth gritted, Dan asked, "What is it nowwwwwww?"
"I think you might've gotten some... dirt, from the chariot race on your shoes," Chrys said, leaning to his feet.
"What?" Dan asked, almost panicking.
"We don't want to get the castle's floor all dirty, now would we?"
"Can we move this along?" Rainbow asked, impatient.
Twilight raised a hoof. "Well, we wouldn't want to get the castle... dirty," she said, trying to help Chrys along.
The changeling queen mouthed the word 'thank you' to the purple mare.
"Please, it'll just take a second," Chrys reached for Dan's shoe.
"Wait! I'll...-I'll get it, I..." quivering, Dan reached down and grasped the cuff of his pant's leg. He closed his eyes, concentrating, hands shaking. He started sweating profusely, seeming to exert himself greatly over the small task.
Chrys smiled. "Is there something wrong... 'Dan'?"
His eyes shot open and he lifted the cuff, revealing his ankle.
Twilight, Celestia, all the ponies gasped except Chrys. She already knew what she was going to see.
"You're just as persistent as he is," 'Dan' remarked, still rolling up his pant's leg. What he'd exposed had been his human leg, or rather, his best impersonation of a human leg that he could perform. As it turned out, his best had actually been quite good: it resembled Dan's pale skin and hair down to the letter but for some odd reason, there was on odd perforation just above the line of the sock he was wearing, a mistake in the disguise he hadn't been able to correct. It was this odd characteristic that revealed who and what he really was. Otherwise, the changeling's plan had been flawless.
Chrys immediately stepped forward. "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
The imposter smirked a sinister grin at her. "What's the matter? Forgot what your own kind looked like?" A burst of green flame enveloped the stranger's body. The ponies including Chrys covered their eyes in the small hallway as the bright flash washed over them.
"CHANGELING!!!!" Pinkie Pie screamed and pointed. Not at Chrys this time but at the creature standing in front of her.
"HERRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" the beast hissed at her. "Your not going to be seeing your friend again!"
Chrys' horn glowed. She advanced on the smaller changeling. "Who are you?! What have you done with Dan?!!"
"Was... was Dan a changeling all along?" Rarity asked, shocked.
"No, Rarity, that's not Dan!" Twilight yelled. "Where's Dan?!"
The changeling grinned back at the others, delighting in their confusion and concern. "The love you have for your little friend..." Closing his eyes, he inhaled through his nostrils, "smells delicious."
"I am Queen Chrysalis, queen of all changelings and mother to the hive!" Chrys' voice boomed in the hallway. "You will tell me what you've done with Dan now!"
The creature turned to chrys and scowled. "You're not my mother!!"
The changeling was instantly lifted off the ground and pressed up against the wall. Chrys, teeth gritted, stepped up to him. "Who are you? Where are your brothers and sisters?! Where's the rest of the horde?!!"
"YOU ARE NOT OUR MOTHER!!" the creature screamed. "You abandoned us, you're not part of the hive now!"
Celestia stepped forward. "What have you done to Dan?" she asked calmly but sternly.
Pinned against the wall still, he smirked at the princess. "He's part of our plan now. Equestria will be ours, and then Earth will follow. All of you false rulers shall bow before the true king of Equestria!"
"The... true king...?" Twilight repeated. "What do you mean?"
"Why should I spoil your surprise? You'll all see,- a new Equestria will rise from the ashes of the old one. All of you usurpers who claimed the throne will be put in your places! Why should I spoil your surprise?" the changeling cackled.
Rainbow Dash hovered over to the intruder. "Listen buddy, you better tell us where all your little friends are or we're gonna-"
"Rainbow," Applejack pulled her friend to the ground. "Calm down, now. He ain't going anywhere."
"Heh," the changeling laughed. "That's where you're wrong." The others looked back to him only too late. Another flash enveloped the changeling, blinding Chrys and causing her to release her magical grip for a moment. When they looked back, the changeling was gone.
"Where'd he go? What happened?" Rainbow asked, looking around.
"Did he just teleport?" Fluttershy asked.
"No," Twilight answered, looking around. "That was a disappearing spell."
"Disappearing magic?" Rarity asked. "You mean like-"
"Trixie."
Chrys' eyes were locked on the ground, her head swimming in questions. A changeling, another changeling was here in Canterlot causing harm. She still hadn't found out what happened to her horde so long ago... was that really one of her children? Why hadn't he recognized her? Why hadn't she recognized him? For some reason, she hadn't felt a connection to the other creature, her supposed offspring. When she'd held him, all she'd been concerned with was Dan. What did any of this mean?
Twilight, noticing Chrys' pain, walked over to her. "Chrys..."
"I'm fine," she declared. "I... I don't know what... who, that was. We need to find Dan."
"How are we going to do that?" Pinkie asked. "The castle's huge!"
Celestia looked around. "Where is Luna?"
The others looked around, just now realizing the princess of the night was gone.
"I don't know," Twilight said, "but I think I know of a way we can find Dan."
"What is that, Twilight?" Chrys asked.
"We'll trace his cell phone."
"Where are you?!" Dan demanded. "What's the point of all of this?!" Running over to the door, he yanked at the knob. Still locked in. "Let me out of here!!"
"Your tenacity is impressive," Luna's disembodied voice said. "You wanted to have a purpose here? Help Equestria? Now you can."
"What are you talking about? What are you going to do with my memories?!!"
"Everything." The door on the opposite side of the room creaked open. Dan turned around to see Luna just inside.
"What is that supposed to mean?!" Dan raged.
Luna smiled back at him. "You want answers, follow me."
"I'm not following you anywhere!" he stepped forward. "You tell me what's going on right now or I'll-"
Luna shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Always so difficult."
A trapdoor opened at Dan's feet.
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" he screamed as he fell. The shaft was pitch black but on his way down, it started to slope. It turned into a shoot with the momentum of the fall propelling him through a dark tunnel of some kind. Panicking, all he could do was scream as it spat him out into some kind of lower level.
"Aughhfff!" he hit the ground. Unlike the room he was just in, the floor here wasn't carpet; it was stone. Not carved or shaped stone but rocky, bumpy like he was in a cave. As he stood himself up, he was relieved to see the room was at least lit. Consciously, he checked his pocket for his cell phone. He realized he was completely at Luna's mercy but he didn't intend for that to be for long. The dark princess might be in control for now but there were things about him she didn't know, things he could use to his advantage.
The cave was lit by luminescent crystals all around him. Different colors, different sizes of crystal stalactites and stalagmites jutted out from the sides like spears erupting from the ground. He walked forward, careful that he didn't accidentally step on another trapdoor.
"Like nothing you've ever seen on Earth, correct?" Luna's voice asked. There was something different about it; it was less in his ear and more echoing off the walls like an intercom. "Beautiful, unique, powerful. Like everything else in our world. It's why we need what you know, Dan. To protect what is ours."
"You're talking nonsense!" Dan shouted, his voice echoing off the walls.
"What would happen if Earth's weapons were used here? Would our world be able to survive? Would our world be corrupted?"
Dan continued walking, following the crystals through the cave. Eventually, he came to something new: a wall. Well, not a wall exactly but a massive door in the cave, made of solid, gray steel.
"We've tested our magic, energy shields and all manner of defenses against similar effects to what we've seen in your memories. Isolated simulations performed in the Crystal Empire to see if our spells could stand up to the effects of a bomb."
"And?" Dan asked. Looking over the door, there didn't seem to be any way to open it. Either way, he had a feeling he wouldn't like what was behind it but was going to see it anyway.
"They all failed. We've come to the conclusion our magic isn't yet powerful enough to withstand the destructive force... or the aftermath of such a weapon. Which is why we have only one defense remaining."
"And that is?"
The door in front of Dan shook. Sirens began to wail and a ringing sound emitted from the door's sides. A split appeared vertical down the middle and began to pull back into the room beyond. The giant door opened.
The room beyond was massive, circular. The ceiling was higher than the tunnel he'd just been in and there were only a few crystals. Instead, light poured down from several fluorescent lamps that hung from the ceiling.
But Dan noticed none of these details; his unblinking attention was immediately drawn to what occupied the center of the room.
"What... is that?"
"Equestria's defense, Dan. Our deterrent."
Taking up most of the space in the room was what looked like a massive statue. The size of a building, it had a flower vase-shaped body with four large arms attached to the rim at the top that hung down over the sides. Perched at the top of the vase was the head of the statue; a pony's head, the bottom half obscured by the rim of the container just enough so the eyes could see over. Finally, a horn protruded from the head just below a steely-looking mane that nearly touched the ceiling.
To Dan, the thing looked like a giant metal pony peaking its head out of a colossal slim jar, its legs sticking out of it and nearly reaching the ground. It looked to be made of the same material that flying thing on the train was made out of, painted white with yellow streaks up its sides. Whatever the contraption was, it seemed to be watching Dan with a pair of glowing, red, narrow eyes as he entered.
"This is what we've developed to counter the destructive power of humans: a weapon capable of delivering the same level of annihilation wherever, whenever.
Dan's jaw hung open. "You built a giant pony robot?!!"
"We call it Magic Gear."
Magic Metal Gear ROOK Advanced Stationary Defensive Failsafe
The massive machine shifted, rotating its hooves around. Electricity surged around its horn making a crackling noise.
"You built a giant pony robot?" Dan repeated, dumbfounded.
"We did, some of us," Luna said. Her voice sounded like it was behind him now. Dan turned to see her behind the doorway, a pink energy shield separating her from him.
Dan turned back around to the menacing machine. "That... that's pretty amazing."
"What?" Luna asked, her turn to be surprised.
"I'm impressed. Yes, a giant robot would be the perfect defense against all sorts of things. Monsters, ninjas, tanks,- you can't really beat just a really big robot!" Dan marveled at the machine.
Luna smiled. "I'm happy you approve. It'll make it easier for you to test it."
"What?" Dan asked, twisting back.
"In order to fine-tune its full capabilities, we have to test it against all manner of threats. Including you," Luna said.
"I don't like where this is going..."
Luna's face grew stern again. "ROOK is designed to be the perfect defense system. It can counter any threat and respond with equal force on any level, any where. Completely autonomous, A.I-controlled and loyal to the royal court, it's the perfect defense. With a ROOK in every castle, not a soul will dare dream of attacking Equestria for fear of nuclear retaliation."
Dan's jaw dropped. "Wait... what can this thing do?"
The princess began pacing. "We researched for months trying to duplicate the power we saw in your dreams. Using magic, we were able to recreate the effects and from that, we were able to design and test a new type of magic never seen before. We created other spells in the process but eventually, we were able to make a spell cause the same effects from your memories."
"No... you're not telling me-"
"In order to defend ourselves from the threat of this bomb, we created the first ever Equestrian nuclear equivalent. A spell that took the power of the sun and concentrated it into a single blast that covered the same radius as our strongest shield spells. We armed ROOK with the very first nuclear spell to counter the threat of the nuclear bomb," Luna explained. "We call it a sword spell."
Dan stepped right up against the energy shield separating him from Luna. "You mean... you ACTUALLY created a spell that causes a nuclear explosion?!"
Luna nodded. "It's not really a magic spell in the usual sense; it can't be conjured by a living creature. But by combining and storing different types of magic in specialized crystals, that magic can be released it great quantities. Essentially, it produces a city-encompassing shield spell but instead of expelling whatever is threatening the inside, it destroys everything in its path, leaving only ruin in its wake."
"I... it... you..." Dan stammered in disbelief. "You couldn't make a bomb yourself so you... you built some kind of megaspell..."
"Fighting fire with fire, as they say," Luna surmised.
"That... that's insane!" Dan shouted. "You're worried about nuclear bombs being transported to Equestria so you BUILT one yourself?! That doesn't make any sense!"
"It's the only way we could-"
Dan pointed to the ceiling, to the castle above them. "You JUST SAID you were afraid of nukes being sent to Equestria and so you MADE one! In Equestria! That is- I don't even... so much..." he didn't have the energy to shake with fury. He didn't know what to feel; he wasn't exactly angry more so that he was just in disbelief. It was happening; Equestria was making the same mistakes as Earth. And it had started the moment he'd arrived there.
"Enough," Luna stomped. "This is our deterrent. We won't ever need to use it once we've demonstrated its power."
"Demonstrated?!" Dan screeched. "You can't launch a nuke! Do you know how much fallout Equestria would see if a nuke was actually used here?!"
Luna's expression was one of grim confidence. "As a matter of fact, we do. But that's not what I meant by a demonstration."
"Then what did you mean?"
"You're a very tenacious individual, Dan. You destroyed our sentry on the train, ruined most of main street and even bypassed our electric energy shield. You've demonstrated great resourcefulness and endurance on all of our tests so far, overcome every obstacle we put in your way."
Dan narrowed his own eyes at the princess. "It was all... you?"
Ignoring his question, she continued, "In order to demonstrate ROOK's full capabilities, you will fight it. The entire sequence will be recorded from the moment you attack to the moment you are defeated. When you are beaten, we will send you back to Earth along with that lawyer and a recording of the battle as a warning to the rest of humanity: Equestria is not to be trifled with. If you attack us, we will retaliate."
"You're insane," Dan said. "And you're out of luck. I'm not fighting that thing so you'll never get your combat data... and what lawyer?"
"You don't have a choice," Luna added calmly, pulling a walkie-talkie from her cloak pocket. "Begin offense scenario D-5."
"Acknowledged." Behind Dan, the robot's massive legs rotated again, mechanical gears whirring as the machine entered an offensive posture. Its twin eyes locked on to the small biped. "Target acquired."
"Better run, Dan," Luna said in a sinisterly gleeful tone.
"Why?" Dan asked, hands on his hips. "That thing's stationary, right? So if don't move, it can't attack me."
"Wouldn't be so sure about that..."
From the neck of the base, four spikes flared and launched from the vase. Needles roughly the size of the crystals Dan saw in the cave before, they raced towards his position propelled by rockets.
"Why is it always missiles?" Dan asked himself. Just before the ballistics hit him, he jumped out of the way, lunging left. He turned the lunge into a dash, continuing to run as the missiles impacted one after the other behind him.
Luna watched the fireworks safely from behind the shield. The explosion from each blast sent heat outward, fireballs that obscured her vision of the fight before quickly dissipating. Dan had to keep running to avoid the flames while Luna was completely safe. While the force of the missiles didn't pass through the energy barrier between her and the room, it did travel through the rocks making them shake a good ways. But to be honest, it only added to her excitement.
The missiles ROOK launched were quickly replenished from its internal supply. In the meantime, the robot continued tracking Dan and launched another flurry of lethal rockets.
"AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!" Continuing to run along the length of the wall, missile after missile exploded behind him. While a sophisticated defense system, ROOK still took time to understand its opponent. It launched one homing explosive after the other, rocking the cavern chamber and keeping Dan on the move. Quickly calculating Dan's movement pattern, ROOK then fired a missile to where the biped was about to run.
Keeping an eye on the machine, Dan stopped and ran in the opposite direction through the clearing smoke of the last rocket.
"Don't try to make this too easy, now," the princess called at her test subject.
The missiles stopped momentarily as Dan reversed course. Obscured by the thrown-up smoke of the last explosion, the robot temporarily lost site of him. Grabbing his knees, Dan tried to catch his breath but also managed to inhale some of the smoke.
"How do you... expect me to fight... this thing?" Dan asked Luna between panted breaths.
"I'm not," was Luna's answer. "ROOK's resistant to all forms of weaponry, even magic. It's been programmed with all the information we could gather, including your memories. But as that data is incomplete, we decided we could learn a lot more if we tested it in combat against you."
"This thing's gonna kill me!" Dan screamed, dodging another missile.
"You've been blown up before," Luna stated.
"That was different! Those were mostly fireworks and I was wearing armor!"
"Hmm," Luna tapped her chin, "I might consider adding a fireworks display to the arsenal... perhaps later. You should probably keep running."
Three more missiles flew towards him. Two struck the ground behind him while the third soared past and hit the wall. Dan shielded his face with his elbows as dirt was thrown up around him. Chunks of rock and crystal rained down from the ceiling. Picking one up, Dan hurled it as hard as he could at the giant robot.
The stone didn't even hit the chassis; an invisible shield materialized and intercepted the rock, electrifying it and then propelling it across the room as it bounced off.
"Not again..."
Luna chuckled. "And this time, the shield covers the whole thing, Dan."
"You're quite thorough, aren't you?" Dan remarked. Two more missiles flew at him. Rather than dodging left or right, Dan dove forward. The two rockets exploded behind him, covering him with smoke as he rolled. More debris fell down from the ceiling as tremors shook the chamber.
Flat on his stomach, Dan looked up as the smoke cleared. His assailant remained immobile, a massive pillar he couldn't escape or destroy. It watched him with those same menacing, red eyes. How long could he hold out against the constant barrage? Was it even worth it to stand? Dan continued to watch the mech, both looking for something, a weak spot, a flaw, anything he could exploit. But it just watched him back.
One of the lamps flickered off and detached from the ceiling. It smashed on the ground just behind and to the right of ROOK. Dan looked up at the ceiling. Rocks fell on ROOK from above; like the one Dan threw, they sparked and bounced harmlessly off the shield.
"ROOK is impervious to damage!" Luna shouted proudly. "Even if you found a way to direct its own weapons back at it, the energy shield would just reflect it."
It was then Dan noticed something else; the rocks pelting ROOK's shield created indents. He remembered the shield he'd tried to get through in front of the castle, the way he bounced off it. Magical barriers seemed to work like that in Equestria- they behaved like bubbles rather than solid walls. Their surfaces were malleable.
Dan scrambled back to his feet. A rocket spiraled at him, straight down this time. He broke into a run again, narrowly evading the blast. Again, the chamber shook a bit. The lamps hanging overhead wavered and a chunk of crystal landed just a few feet away from Dan. The size of a boulder, Dan hid behind it for a second.
"LUNA!!" Dan yelled. "You've got to stop this!! The whole cave will collapse!"
"Don't worry; you'll have lost long before that!" Luna assured him.
Princess Luna officially made Dan's list along with her mechanized contraption assaulting him. He was done playing around, unfortunately, so was ROOK. A flurry of five missiles swarmed to the chunk of magenta crystal Dan hid behind. Dan jumped out of the way just as the rock was consumed by the fireball.
Larger rocks fell from the ceiling. Dan had to dodge those two, looking up as he ran, trying to get out of the way as they pierced the ground around him. Now the question became what would finish him first; rocks or rockets?
As if to almost answer his question, a larger boulder smashed into the ground. Shards of crystal and another lamp rained down with it, scattering shards of glass and gem between Dan and ROOK. Looking at the rock, an idea came to Dan. He climbed.
A missile collided with the side of the boulder but Dan kept his grip as he climbed. Carefully, he reached the top of the stone pillar, relieved that it was conveniently flat and stable on the ground.
"You're not going to get away, Dan. There's no hiding once ROOK has you in its sights."
Dan ignored Luna's taunting and steadied himself on his rocky perch. Another missile flew at him. This time, he could only dodge one way: up.
Just before the explosive hit, Dan jumped. He grabbed on to one of the hanging lamps and immediately swung. A missile flew past him and collided with the roof above him. Focusing on the next lamp, Dan swung in its direction and jumped. The lamp he released from dislodged and fell from the ground just as he grasped the other.
He didn't think about how risky this was but Luna did. She watched as the pudgy biped nimbly swung himself from light to light, getting closer to ROOK. Dan was actually higher than ROOK, over its head but still well within its firing range. Luna narrowed her eyes, trying to see what he was doing. The machine didn't have any blind spots in its targeting system; there was only so long Dan could dodge. She hadn't anticipated this but maybe it would give ROOK the perfect opportunity to test out its melee defenses if he got close enough.
Dan swung from lamp to lamp as missiles whizzed past him and hit the ceiling. More chunks of debris showered the ground far below him. All he had to do was get closer. Just over the edge of the shield now, Dan looked at the ceiling directly above ROOK. It was lined up almost perfectly. Dan jumped to another lamp and started swinging it as before, moving it back and fourth to propel him to the next one.
"WOAH!" Dan yelped. ROOK reached up with massive hoof and swatted at him, just barely missing. Looking down, Dan saw the robot's massive head looking back up at him. Like a massive, angry mare coiled in an umbrella stand. It raised both hooves above its head.
Dan scrambled to climb the lamp's cable. He got on top, grasping the chord just as twin metal hooves clapped the disk-shaped light fixture underneath. The lamp exploded, sparks flew everywhere as Dan clung to the cable.
Another missile flew past Dan and exploded, narrowly missing him. ROOK pulled back its hoof and prepared to swing at Dan like a piñata.
Using the chord like a rope, Dan swung and jumped on the robot's leg, jumping off it again to grab the next lamp behind it. Lungs filled with smoke, or fluid, Dan couldn't tell which, he exhaled as he hung from the center light.
The robot looked straight up at him now. It raised both of its legs high above it and prepared to grab Dan just as before. Dan climbed again, shaking as the bulb beneath him was yanked off. He kept climbing all the way up to the ceiling. If Dan's gym teacher had seen this, he would've been impressed.
Luna however, was not. "Not bad for only two legs but not good enough! Face it Dan, there's nothing ROOK can't hit!"
"That's what I'm counting on!" Dan shouted.
"What?!"
The robot fired a flurry of missiles straight up, right at Dan's position. As they raced towards him, Dan let go of the cable.
"GREAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!" He hit the shield and tumbled off of it. Fortunately, being electrocuted so many times recently, he barely felt the shocks. The missiles exploded where Dan had been hanging, shaking the ceiling violently.
"Hey Luna?" Dan asked, on his hands and knees on the ground.
"What?" the princess asked, annoyed.
Dan looked back at ROOK. "You didn't happen to equip that thing with an umbrella, did you?"
"What does that mean?"
The machine itself changed its expression to a raised-eyebrow look at Dan. The young human smiled back and pointed to the ceiling.
Slightly perplexed by its opponent, ROOK turned its gaze to the ceiling just in time to see an enormous slab of crystal fall on top of it.
Luna's own expression changed from confusion to horror; she had been correct,- ROOK's electro-shield was impenetrable. Unfortunately, ROOK was not. The slab of purple crystal, too heavy to simply be repelled by the shield pressed down on it causing the bubble to expand outward. The bubble instantly turned from dome to disk as the weight smashed the barrier against ROOK itself.
This alone wouldn't have been able to damage the robot. But as the bubble touched its horn, the electricity from the shield began to surge through ROOK itself, shocking the mech and causing its eyes to go wide in a simulation of pain and surprise. Still, the damage was light and largely superficial. Until the electricity ignited the reloaded missiles on its neckline.
Explosions erupted all around the mech's head sending debris outward in all directions. The shield collapsed and the crystal fell upon the robot, knocking it over in a smoking heap.
Dusting himself off, Dan stood. "Princess, about your 'giant nuclear robot pony defense' plan, I don't think it's doing that well. It looks like you're off to a bit of a rocky start."
"YOU!!" The energy shield in front of the room lowered, Luna flew over and pounced on him, enraged. "What have you done?!"
Dan chuckled. "I hope you don't find this defeat too... crushing."
The princess threw herself off of him. "No matter... we can rebuild. We'll know better next time, we'll build a better shield. But we still need a demonstration..."
"What?" Dan asked, pulling himself up. "What're you doing?"
"If one defensive platform isn't enough, we'll just have to build more of them. In the meantime, Earth must learn to respect Equestria. I might as well finish this myself," she strode over to the robot.
"What are you talking about?!"
"I can salvage the horn," Luna said, picking her way through the rubble. "With it, I'll go to Earth and detonate a sword spell in front of all humanity. Then they'll see we can't be pushed around!"
"No! Luna, you can't do this!" Dan shouted, running to follow her.
"I am a princess of Equestria! I will do whatever it takes to protect my subjects!"
"You're not protecting anypony but blowing up a bomb! You'll just wind up starting a war between Equestria and Earth!"
She didn't even look back at him. "I don't expect you to understand... you're not a pony, you weren't even born here."
"That doesn't matter!" Dan yelled. "This isn't what anypony would want, this isn't what Twilight-"
Luna turned around. "HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT TWILIGHT WOULD WANT?!!" she screamed at him, her voice shaking the chamber. "How do you know ANYTHING about Twilight?!!!"
"Because!" Dan shouted back. "I'm her friend and I-"
"YOU ARE NOT HER FRIEND!!" Luna screamed again. Dan recoiled as she advanced upon him. "You don't know ANYTHING about her, you don't know what kind of sacrifices she's made to protect our world! YOU DON'T KNOW-"
"WHAT SHE DID TO YOU?!!" Dan screamed. "What her sister did to you? What all of her friends went through to stop you?!!!"
Luna recoiled, stunned by Dan's words. Rocks rained down from the ceiling. The last of the lamps flicked off and fell. The room was now nearly pitch black but the shaking continued. The cave was collapsing.
"Twilight told me EVERYTHING! She told me about how you were imprisoned in the moon for a thousand years, how you came back and tried to keep Equestria in the dark and how she and her friends defeated you!"
The princess pressed herself up against a rock, now unsure of everything. "But... why... why would she tell you?"
Dan walked right up to her. "BECAUSE I'M HER FRIEND!!"
The shaking continued, the floor began to vibrate as more of the ceiling fell apart.
"You don't think I'm her friend?!" Dan shouted, grabbing hold of Luna. "Look into my mind! Look into my memories since I've been here!!"
"I... I..." Luna stammered.
Dan shook her. "DO IT! Look into my memories! Look into everything I've done with Twilight and her friends since arriving here! DO IT NOW!!"
"I..." Luna twitched, feeling numb.
"DO IT!!" Dan shook her harder. "DO IT NOW! DO YOU HEAR ME?! LOOK INTO MY MIND!! DO IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Luna's eyes turned bright white...
"And where have you two been?!!" "Thank you for inviting me, Twilight!" "I'm going to write 'YOU CAN TELEPORT' on a note and-" "Are you kidding? Friends are about the most important thing anyone can have." "Chrys? It's your turn." "I'm Dan and I'm here with my close, personal friends Princess Twilight Sparkle, Chrys and Pinkie Pie." "We'll tell all of Equestria that you're both my friends!" TWILIGHT!!
She snapped back, her eyes returning to normal. "You..." She was practically mesmerized by her revelation.
Dan looked up as more rocks fell from the ceiling. The cave was about to collapse on top of them.
"You are her friend," Luna realized.
"Yes," Dan said, his voice straining. "You've got to believe me- she wouldn't want this. Earth, humanity, everyone and everypony, we've all made a lot of mistakes, Luna. We learn from them and we pass on this knowledge. Please... trust me. Trust Twilight. Trust your friends."
"My... friends..." Luna muttered. Dan's eyes shot up as the top of the cave finally let loose. The walls caved in and boulders fell from the ceiling. In the darkness as the two were about to be crushed, Luna's horn glowed.
The sun was setting as Twilight, Chrys and the group entered the castle gardens. Twilight led the way, levitating her cell phone out in front of her as she galloped.
"This is where his phone's signal is coming from," Twilight said, tapping the screen. "But where's Dan?"
"Dan? Dan!" Chrys yelled out. But there was no answer; the garden was empty aside from the eight mares. Rainbow Dash and the other mane 6 save Twilight began shouting his name and looking for him.
"Maybe another one of them changelings nabbed him," Applejack theorized. Chrys turned to her. "Ah, uh, ah mean, one of them other changelings."
Chrys nodded. "It's all right; I know what you meant." She was honestly still shaken about that ordeal but did her best not to show it, not to think about it. Finding Dan was important right now. The status of the other members of her species would have to wait until later; helping her friends was the top priority.
"You see anything from up there, Dashie?" Pinkie called.
Squinting her eyes high above, Rainbow scanned the area. "No... and it's gonna be too dark soon to see anything from up here!"
"You would know the castle grounds better than any of us, your majesty," Rarity said to Celestia. "Are there any hidden passageways out here, secret tunnels of any kind in the garden?"
"The castle holds many secrets," Celestia answered, "it's been rebuilt and remodeled many times. Even I'm not fully aware of all that is concealed within the walls."
"I hope he's not lost somewhere in the labyrinth," Rarity commented, remembering the last time she and her friends were looking for something on the grounds.
Twilight looked around. There were many places to check. Sculptures made of marble and grass lined the walkways while bushes and other ornamental horticulture and architecture created throughout the gardens. It was almost a maze of its own and they weren't even in the castle labyrinth yet. The trees provided canopy in some places while beds of flowers dotted empty spaces. If Dan was incapacitated and silenced, he could easily be hidden in any of these places. It would take hours to search everywhere.
"Hey, where's Fluttershy?" AJ asked.
Searching the area, the rest of the group just now noticed the absence of their yellow friend. "Fluttershy!" Twilight shouted.
"Don't tell me she got lost too," Rainbow Dash said, hovering near the ground.
"I'm over here," Fluttershy's voice whispered. Following the sound, the group walked around a hedge to see Fluttershy comforting a large group of fauna.
"I think something might've frightened them..." In front of her, a pair of squirrels, an ice fox, a swan, an iguana, a bear and a myriad of smaller birds all held each other on the grass.
"Fluttershy, this ain't no time to be messin' with the castle's critters," Applejack chastised. The others were about to turn and walk away when Twilight stopped them.
"Wait," Twilight said, "this might tell us what happened to Dan!"
Just as Twilight said that, the ground shook. The animals clinging to Fluttershy clutched her tighter. She comforted them and slowly, the quake subsided.
"What was that?" Chrys asked. The ground shook again in response.
"My... MY TAIL IS TWITCHING!!" Pinkie shouted.
Every member of the group immediately looked up, the immediate response to the notification of Pinkie's Pinkie Sense. But the only thing above them was the sky. The ground continued shaking in violent shocks.
"Nothing's falling!" Rainbow said.
"No! Something IS falling!"
The seven other mares turned back to Pinkie to see her with her ear on the ground. "Something's going to fall! If we don't move, I think it might be us!" The shocks continued, finally making it hard to stand.
"MOVE! NOW!" Twilight yelled. "Everypony off the ground!!" Springing into action, Fluttershy took to the air with her menagerie of animals. Celestia grabbed Rarity and Applejack while Chrys took Pinkie and Twilight.
The eight ponies got off the ground moments before earth started collapsing inward before them. From the center of the garden, the land began to dip like a sinkhole opening up. The green sank into earth, taking with it all manner of floral artwork and trees along with it. Almost a quarter of the yard caved in right in front of them.
"What just happened?" Celestia asked.
"Is it over?" Rainbow looked around. The shocks immediately subsided. A cloud of dust and dirt covered the garden, obscuring their vision. The group landed on the steps of the castle carefully.
A flash light burst out before them, a bright light in the fog.
"What? What now?!" Rainbow yelled, covering her eyes with a hoof.
Two figures appeared in front of them amidst the rolling dust.
"It's Dan and Luna!" Pinkie pointed.
The seven mares rushed to their sides. "Where were both of you? What happened?"
Dan remained silent. Not even bothering to brush himself off, he looked at Luna who shied away from his gaze. The young man, appearing livid, then turned a glare at Princess Celestia. "Your sister went crazy."
The ponies all were immediately shocked at his statement. Celestia stepped forward. "What?"
"Luna kidnapped me and made me fight a giant robot underground. I NEARLY GOT BLOWN UP, CRUSHED, SQUASHED AND IMPALED BY A GIANT ROBOT!!"
"Why would the princess kidnap Dan?" Rarity asked in disbelief.
"Oh, thanks for focusing in on the IMPORTANT ISSUE GUYS!" Dan threw his hands up.
Celestia stepped forward. "Luna, is this true?"
The princess of the night's head was lowered before her older sister, a stance she had adopted many times before. Like all those times before, all she felt was her own shame, guilt and regret. "Yes, sister."
The ponies gasped. Luna's head dipped a bit lower as tears formed in her eyes. What she had done was now known.
Celestia lowered her own head to try and meet her sister's eyes. "Why did you do this?"
"I... I..." she couldn't find the words.
"And you didn't know about this?" Dan asked Twilight and the others. "She showed me my OWN memories. According to Luna, you've been reading my mind since I got here!"
"I, no, Dan," Twilight said. "I didn't know about any of this."
"Really?" Dan stepped forward, "So that first day, when I passed out in your living room, what was that spell you cast on me? You haven't been casting any spells on me behind my back I'm not aware of?"
"No, Dan," Twilight answered, coming closer to him. "That spell I cast when you feinted was a levitation spell. I carried you up to the guest room until you woke up. That's the only spell I used on you that day."
"Oh," Dan said, nodding. "Well, that explains it. I knew I could trust you, Twilight," he said, rubbing her mane. The purple mare closed her eyes and the two smiled.
Tears descended down Luna's face and hit the ground at her hooves. "I'm so... I'm so sorry. You really are friends, real friends."
"Sister, did you read Dan's thoughts?" Celestia asked.
Luna nodded. "I saw... so much destruction. The world he comes from is so violent, he was so violent. I couldn't believe Twilight would ever let him around her... I thought he might have corrupted her somehow."
"We can all be afraid of things we don't understand, um, your majesty," Rarity offered, stepping forward.
"I didn't understand Pinkie's Pinkie Sense when I first met her," Twilight said. "But even then, she was still my friend even if there was something about her I couldn't explain."
Pinkie gave a wide grin. "There's a LOT even I don't know about me! Finding out is fun!"
"When Chrys first came to live with me, I was worried she might still be evil like she was before. But after I got to know her, I realized she changed," Twilight put a hoof on the changeling's shoulder. Chrys blushed in response. "Sometimes we don't know everything about our friends. But if we're honest, open and supportive, there's never a reason to keep secrets from one another."
Celestia practically had tears in her own eyes. "That was beautiful. Is this what happens when you write me letters?"
Twilight nodded.
"Yep. Every week!" Pinkie affirmed.
Luna continued crying as she nodded in agreement. "I see that now... I'm so sorry, everypony," she said, looking up. "I... I don't deserve to be your friend."
"Don't go getting all distraught now," Dan said, folding his arms. "You saw Earth's more violent history through my memories and got freaked out. I would've been the same way if I saw dragons and Ursas and hydras for the first time."
"I think I may have gotten a little more than 'freaked out'," Luna admitted. "I built a robot, abducted you, made you battle it..."
"Wait," Applejack said, "So you weren't kiddin' about the giant robot part?"
The ponies all looked at Luna. The princess shook her head. The ground shook as another portion of the ground crumbled at the edge of the hole.
"It's under control," Dan assured them. "I fought the thing and crushed it with the ceiling."
"Really?" Chrys asked. "You fought a giant robot?"
"He did," Luna said. "I developed it to be unbeatable but somehow, Dan-" the ground shook again, one loud, vibrating punctuation.
Dan grinned. "I beat it single-handedly." Another shock marked the period of his sentence. "AND it even had one of those electro-forcefield things like the castle was surrounded by."
The ground shook again. The ponies backed away from the castle steps.
"Um, Dan?" Twilight asked, concerned.
Hands on his hips proudly, Dan continued. "I didn't even have any weapons at my disposal. Nothing but my own two hands, trapped in an underground cavern, just me and a giant killer death machine." The ground shook a final time and a large shadow cast itself on Dan.
"Dan?!"
"Yes, Twilight?" Dan asked, still grinning.
"Do you think you could beat the robot again?"
"Why?" Dan asked, confused. Opening his eyes, he noticed the massive shadow being cast over him. Turning around, Dan caught something blocking his view of the setting sun on the other side of the sink hole.
"Because I think it's ready for round two," Twilight remarked.
Pinkie pointed, screamed and started to run. "GIANT PONY ROBOT!!!!!!"
Supported by four steel legs, the massive mechanized equine climbed out of the hole in the middle of garden on the opposite side of Dan and the others. Shaking itself off, it placed two massive hooves on either side of its head and twisted, rotating its cranium so it was no longer backwards. "GRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!"
Magic Gear KNIGHT Fail-Deadly Independent Mobile Weapons Platform
Section 2: Robot Unicorn Attack on Titanfall
"What?" Dan asked in disbelief. "No, it can't be! I BLEW THAT THING UP! AND CRUSHED IT! THAT'S NOT THE SAME ONE!"
Dan was correct; as he exclaimed, the Magic Gear had somehow converted itself from a stationary vase-shaped tower to a that of a unicorn filly. Albeit a unicorn filly approximately three stories tall.
"The Magic Gear was designed so it could transform to strike," Luna said. "It's gone into attack sequence now, KNIGHT-mode."
Dan stomped the ground angrily. "You built a TRANSFORMER?!!" he asked through gritted teeth.
"It was necessary for us to fully anticipate all-"
"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!!!" Dan yelled in frustration.
"Wait," Chrys held up a hoof, "didn't you say Luna controlled the robot? Can't she just turn it off?"
"That's right! It responded to your commands before!" Dan exclaimed.
The group exhaled a unanimous sigh of relief. "That's good to hear," Twilight remarked.
Luna nodded. "I'm deeply sorry about all of this; please, let me take care of it." The princess of the night took off immediately, flying over the hole in the ground.
"See Dan?" Twilight grabbed his arm with a hoof. "Princess Luna's got it. It's going to be fine, now."
The human wiped his forehead. "I'm just happy we don't have to do things the hard way for once."
"Pinkie! It's okay- no giant robot fight!" Rainbow called into the castle behind them. "You can come back now!"
The blue alicorn was easily dwarfed in the shadow of the metal monstrosity as she approached. Although it had only moments ago been crushed under tons of rock and crystal, the mech looked no worse for wear. Its metallic white body bore no dents or scratches and the yellow stripe that ran down its side reflected some of the sun's light. There was no visible damage it had sustained from horn to tail. Like an animal in a new environment, the Gear scanned its huge, glowing-red optical arrays over the castle grounds. It noticed Luna as she flew towards it.
The princess hovered in front of it. "Stand down! Conditions A-1 all clear!"
The robot's eyes immediately switched off. The mech powered down, lowering its head as its systems went offline. Across the newly-formed crater, Dan and the other ponies cheered.
Luna looked back at them and smiled. While even making the robot and having it attack Dan were both horrible mistakes, things could've gone much worse. That didn't ease all of her guilt but it seemed like they were willing to forgive her. Maybe she could do something for them to make up for it and repair the garden, too. A couple grass sculptures commemorating Dan as part of Equestria sounded nice. Disaster averted, she prepared to return to them.
"Can't let you do that, Moony," a voice said.
Luna turned around, not sure of where it had come from but sure of one thing; she shouldn't have heard it. The voice had sounded just like her own.
"Down here gorgeous!"
Looking down, she saw... herself standing by one of KNIGHT's hooves. Herself waved back at her and smiled. Luna shook her head and rubbed her eyes, questioning her vision before coming to another quick conclusion.
"Chrysalis?"
The doppelganger batted the question away. "No, but I am working on that one. But what about my Princess Luna? You like? Or maybe you like this one better?" A green flash enveloped him and he transformed into a white stallion. "Better?"
Luna squinted. "You... you're the servant from the castle. You're a changeling?"
The pony grinned. "And who says you miss everything? That's right, though I'm here to talk about a mutual friend of ours."
"I, I don't understand," Luna admitted. What 'mutual friend' was he talking about?
"I think you know the one. You need to check your messages, Moony. He and the professor are a bit disappointed you decided to alter the plan."
On the castle-side of the destroyed courtyard, Twilight and the others began to take notice of Luna's absence. "What's she doing over there?" the purple mare asked.
"Do you think she needs help?" Fluttershy asked, still comforting her animals.
"We should go ask her," Rarity suggested. The other ponies agreed and took to the sky again, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash hovering while the others being held by Celestia and Chrys.
"You guys have fun with that, I'm gonna head back inside and get a sandwich," Dan bid them farewell.
Twilight turned around. "You're not coming, Dan?"
Dan turned his back to her. "Let me explain something, Twilight. That's a giant pony robot. You're a princess. Celestia's a princess. LUNA is a princess. Chrysalis is a QUEEN. Me?" he pointed back to himself and smiled, "I'm leaving. Have fun!"
"But Dan," Applejack started, "y'all trounced that thing once, right?"
Dan turned back to the orange mare and grumbled. "Well... yeah..."
"And ya did it all by yourself, right?"
Reluctantly, Dan admitted, "Yeah..."
"So now, with all of us together, there's no way it could stand a chance if it went up against all of us. And all we have to do is make sure it doesn't try to start nothin'. Am I right... pardner?"
Lip tightly buttoned, Dan did his best to hold his gaze against the cowgirl as he considered his options. His hesitance soon crumbled against the weight of the honest pony's good-natured expression of incredibly supportive encouragement. It was one of those looks, the half-knowing, half-persuading, all-supporting doe-eyed stare that could convince a bright red STOP sign to turn green and say GO. That, combined with AJ's innate adorableness made it incredibly hard to decline.
"But..." Dan's lip trembled, "but..."
The pones then resorted to their ultimate weapon of encouragement. All eight mares quickly clung close together as if taking a group photo. With eyes wide as saucers, smiles soft as pillows made of clouds and voices sweeter than maple-flavored haybacon dipped in honey, they asked,
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease??"
Dan balled his fists. "ALL RIGHT, FINE! GRRRRRRRRRRR" He threw his hands in the air.
"CANTERLOT ANNIVERSARY!!!"
Consciously, Luna retrieved her phone from her cloak pocket. "I wasn't aware I had changed any part of the plan." She checked though her phone and saw she had a couple unread messages. But that didn't change much. "The plan's not going to work anyway and it was entirely unnecessary to begin with. I was going to call him and-"
The strangeling shook his head. "No no no, you revealed yourself. THAT was the part of the plan you changed and now you've gotten all the others involved as well. Subtlety isn't your strong suit, is it?"
"What are you talking about?" Luna demanded. As far as Luna knew, the plan between her and her contacts had always been to develop a defense against weapons made by humans, to assess the potential of human elements introduced into Equestria and prepare for circumstances involving other dimensions, primarily Earth. While noble, the plan no longer seemed viable but the appearance of this changeling well, changed things. "Our goal has always been to-"
"Never mind that," he dismissed, "my point is, you changed how things are going to go down, so now I'm going to change how things are going to go down. My fellow estranged changelings and I need a home and I do believe your Magic Gear is just the thing to lay the foundation, if you catch my drift."
Luna didn't understand, didn't know who this other changeling was addressing her or how he happened to know so much about her contacts and the Magic Gear. "So what are you planning to do?!" Luna demanded. "You're just going to use KNIGHT to nuke Ponyville?!"
The stranger held up a hoof and opened his mouth to point something out, then slowly reversed both actions. "You know, I was actually expecting to have to explain that a bit more but no, you hit the 'corn on the horn. Kudos."
The dark alicorn shook violently. "NO! I'm not going to let you launch a sword spell! You and this contraption are going to-"
He held up a hoof. "Keep in mind, you did build this thing for that purpose."
"It was a BAD idea, one of many I've made but NOT one I'm going to let effect the rest of Equestria," she rose into the air, her horn glowing. While active, it was impervious to magic but in its shutdown state, Luna would be more than able to teleport it. And there was only one place she could think of imprisoning such a device. She flew up to the robot's back and prepared to cast the warp spell.
The changeling quickly turned back into Luna and flew up to her level himself. "As I said, I can't let you do this, Luna."
"So what, you've changed into me so you can hijack KNIGHT and order it to launch against Ponyville yourself?" Luna asked.
"Right again," the changeling commended her in her own voice. "Wow, you're really good at this. I guess it makes sense that you used to be a villain yourself huh?"
Luna scowled at the changeling mimicking her. "But the robot only responds to MY voice. And if it heard two conflicting orders, its A.I wouldn't know which one of us to obey."
"Exactly," the changeling smiled.
"So you're going to have to incapacitate me somehow so I won't be able to stop KNIGHT, is that it?"
"Wow," the strangeling almost applauded her. "You figured it all out. That's amazing. So, how do you think I'm going to make it so that you can't shutdown the robot?"
Luna tapped a hoof to her chin, thinking. "You could easily silence me with a drag-and-drop mouth removal spell. But I could easily counter that so it's likely you'd try to blind me first with a flashbang spell. Then if you blindfolded me, tied me up and teleported me somewhere, it's possible I'd be occupied for several minutes wherein you could pretend to be me and stall the other ponies and Dan, buying you enough time for Magic Gear KNIGHT to launch the sword spell."
"Ohhhh, so close," the changeling said, sarcastically disappointed. He raised a hoof at her. "Actually, I'm just going to hit you with this knockout gas and tell the robot to sword Ponyville," he sprayed her. "But hey- two outta three ain't bad and your idea was pretty good. Maybe next time. Nighty-night princess."
The princess was enveloped in pink gas, obscuring her entire body. Grinning, the strangeling was about to turn around when the gas quickly dissipated and he was surprised to see Luna still standing in front of him. A blue energy shield covered her.
A vicious smile formed on the princess' face. "You should've taken my advice. Maybe then you would've stood a chance against me."
"Damn... I didn't know shield spells blocked vapors," he said, backing up carefully. He scrambled for the neck of the pony, cowering as the true princess of the night advanced before him. Swirls of black shadows wrapped themselves around her hooves, her mane began to flow like the beacon of the night itself.
Luna looked back at him through her protective bubble. "I find it's really helpful to have a backup plan. As you said, I used to be a villain myself. And let me tell you something about us villains..." As she spoke, the trails of shadow along her hooves climbed her legs and began covering her body. Terrified, the changeling witnessed another transformation himself. The onyx wrappings warped along Luna's body, enveloping her and expanding outward until her entire visage had changed. "We always have a backup plan."
Taller than before, wearing armor with a longer horn and wings was the pony embodiment of a living, breathing bad dream. As if on cue, the sun finally went down completely leaving them in the light of the stars above. The changeling didn't know what was more dangerous now: the robot armed with a nuke he was cowering on or mare in front of him. One thing he did know was that he wouldn't be able to change into what she was now.
Fully transformed, she chuckled lightly to herself and asked, "So, what was that you just said? Oh yes," Nightmare Moon grinned, "Nighty-night, princess." Using her magic, the nightmarish mare raised the changeling's hoof, still a transformed version of her own, and made him point it at his face. With his final expression one of terror, the changeling was forced to gas himself under Nightmare Moon's control. A pink mist sprayed him point-blank and he immediately fell off the giant mech.
"Muahahahaha! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!" Nightmare Moon cackled in triumph.
"LUNA!!!" a familiar group of voices called. Turning in their direction, Nightmare saw Celestia, Twilight Sparkle and the rest of the group flying towards her.
"Ah, if it isn't sister, the student and all her little friends. It' so good to see all of you again," she addressed them with a smile.
Twilight's eyes went wide in shock. "Nightmare Moon?!!"
"It's been so long, hasn't it, Twilight Sparkle? How have you all been?"
"We're all doin' fine, just fine," Applejack responded, nonchalant-nervously, "How 'bout yerself, err, Princess Luna?"
"My name is Nightmare Moon," the shadowy alicorn responded, "And I must say that this is the perfect night for a reunion. For from now on, The night SHALL LAST FOREVER!!!" she laughed again. The clouds swirling around her flashed with lightning, adding to the ominousness of the mood.
"Luna..." Celestia said in an inquisitive voice, "what are you doing?"
"What?" Nightmare asked, "Didn't you hear me? I'm Nightmare Moon again! Mwahahaha!" Twilight and her friends continued to hold their distance in fright of the dark alicorn.
Celestia continued to hold an unamused expression at her sister. "Luna, you're scaring our friends."
"Oh," NM said, "but I thought ponies enjoyed being scared sometimes? That's what Twilight said when I went to Ponyville."
"Well yes, but that was during Nightmare Night," Twilight pointed out.
"Ooooh," Nightmare realized.
Rarity, being held aloft by Celestia, nodded. "There's a time for the frightening, deary but not when there are already other concerns at hoof."
"Oh, okay. That, that makes sense," Nightmare agreed.
"I thought it was funny!" Chrys shouted, clapping her hooves while holding Twilight and Dan.
Dan raised an eyebrow. "So, who are you again?"
"SHE'S NIGHTMARE MOON!" the ponies shouted at him in unison.
"Hey! I haven't been here! Give me a break!"
"It took me a moment too," Chrys said, landing on KNIGHT's back next to Nightmare Moon. "So you're Luna?"
Nightmare Moon raised her head proudly. "I am Nightmare Moon, Princess and ruler of the night in all its power and glory and-"
A stern look from Celestia stopped her.
She squee-smiled. "Yes, I'm Luna. Hi."
"Hi!" Chrys stuck a hoof out to shake. "I'm Queen Chrysalis, or just Chrys now. So, you tried to takeover Equestria, too?"
"Yeah," Nightmare shyly admitted. "Twice."
"Really? Me too!" Chrys gleefully stated.
Watching the social interaction, Dan whispered, "Are they really doing this RIGHT NOW?"
"Shhh," the rest of the mares shushed him.
"I heard," Nightmare said. "You impersonated Princess Cadence and tried to conquer Canterlot with a horde of changelings."
"Yeah," Chrys nodded, blushing slightly. "Twilight and her friends stopped me though."
Nightmare giggled. "They do that."
Chrys giggled. "Yeah, they do. Hey, we should team up and try taking over Equestria together."
"Great idea!" the two burst out laughing.
Pinkie Pie shook her head. "That's not funny."
"Hey, we're only kidding," Chrys threw a hoof around Nightmare Moon's shoulders. "Us bad girls gotta stick together." The pair then brohoofed. Twilight couldn't help but fear what would happen if the two nega-pegasisters actually did partner together and try to conquer the kingdom. For some reason, she also wondered if they'd invite her. She quickly shook out that curiosity and wondered why she would ever question such a thing.
"Touching, gal pals, really touching," the changeling appeared, flying up to their level from the side. "But I'm afraid, you're not the only ones in Equestria with the power to rule. And on that note," in a flash, he changed into Luna and flew around to the front of the robot. "Hey, wake up!" he kicked KNIGHT's muzzle.
The eyes of the mech shot open, illuminating the darkness with an eerie yellow glow. "Standing by."
The Luna-changeling grinned. "Let's get the party started, shall we? Protocol Omega! Initiate SWORD sequence! Target: Ponyville!"
"Acknowledged. Primary offense mode engaged. Acquiring target," the mech's eyes turned red again and it began to move. One leg after the other, the massive metal pony turned towards the castle and started marching in the direction of its target.
"No, no n-AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" Dan screamed as he fell off the robot but this time, Twilight and Chrys both caught him.
"It's okay Dan- we've got you!" Twilight said.
"No, not that," Dan groaned, hanging upside down from their hooves. "It's the hard way."
"Maybe not," Nightmare Moon said. "It's programmed to listen to my voice. We can stop this."
Chrys flashed green and transformed into another Nightmare Moon. "Wait! Let me come too! Twilight, look after Dan and the others!"
"Okay," Twilight said, slowly descending to the ground with him.
The two shadow alicorns flew to the front of the marching mech. "Cease protocol! Exit all done!" Nightmare shouted.
"What she said!" Chrys added in Nightmare's voice.
"Acknowledged." The KNIGHT halted abruptly.
"No!" the changeling shouted. "Cancel that order! Proceed with protocol!"
"Quick!" Twilight shouted. "We have to do something to stop it!"
"I have an idea!" Dan yelled. "You guys try to slow it down! I'm gonna try to get it's attention!"
"Okay!" Twilight said back, "Rainbow, get something we can use to wrap around its legs! Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, each grab one of the legs and get ready to wrap!"
"I don't have my beatboxing hat."
"Pinkie!"
"Kidding!"
"Princess, you and I could try and contain it in a shield!" she said to her mentor.
"Good idea. Let's get ahead of it," she said, taking flight, with Twilight grabbing on to fly with her.
"Cease protocol!" Nightmare Moon shouted.
"Continue protocol!" the changeling countered.
"Cease protocol! Listen to the other me!" Chrys added.
"Acknowledged. Protocol-"
The changeling flew right up to its face. "Continue Omega Protocol!"
"Acknowledged. Continuing Ome-"
Nightmare Moon unleashed a blast of dark magic from her horn but the changeling dodged. The shadow princess flew right up to the mechanical mare's ear. "WE ORDER YOU TO CEASE PROTOCOL!!" she screamed in the Royal Canterlot Voice.
The changeling took a deep breath and moved to the other ear. "WE ORDER YOU TO CONTINUE PROTOCOL!!" He mimicked the RCV perfectly.
"Should I say something?" Chrys asked, holding her Nightmarish impersonated ears.
KNIGHT shook, its eyes flaring. "Unable to comply; building in progress."
"That doesn't sound good," Chrys backed away.
The changeling and Nightmare Moon both gripped the ears of the mech. "YOU WILL OBEY! I ORDER YOU TO-"
"Switching to self-defense mode." KNIGHT picked up its massive hooves and swatted at both princesses, batting them away.
"Great! Now look what you've done!" Nightmare Moon said to the changeling, picking herself up from the dirt. "Now it thinks we're both the enemy!"
The changeling shrugged. "Well, I think I'll simplify things. Once all of you are out of the way, I'll just tell it to attack Ponyville! Toodles!" the visage of Luna disappeared, vanishing like vapor in the night.
"Disappearing magic...?" Nightmare Moon muttered.
"Look out!" Another Nightmare Moon, Chrys, dove and snatched her from the ground before KNIGHT's massive hoof could come down on her. Scrambling into the air, the two flew ahead of it. "Well, it's not trying to destroy Ponyville."
"Yes, but it is trying to destroy us. And I don't think it's going to be listening to me any more," Nightmare Moon said. The mech advanced behind them, stomping towards the two with menacing red eyes and glowing horn.
"How do we stop it?" Chrys asked, returning to normal.
A rock hit the side of the robot's head. Its eyes turned a curious yellow and it turned in the direction of the chucked projectile. Nightmare Moon and Chrys followed its head to the right.
"The same way we stop everything else," Dan said. "The hard way!" He threw another stone at KNIGHT while it watched him, a proverbial David versus a magical, metal goliath.
With a menacing glare, the giant machine reared back on its hind legs. Grnnnnnnnnnnngggghhh! "Face me!" The ground reverberated with shocks as it brought its metallic front hooves down in a massive double stomp. It then turned to Dan.
"Great job getting its attention, Dan!" Twilight yelled.
"Yeah!" Chrys agreed. "Now what're you going to do with it?"
Even if Dan had time to answer, he didn't have an answer. He looked up at the colossal mech turning towards him and ran in the opposite direction.
Twilight and Celestia regrouped with Nightmare and Chrys. The four watched Dan continue to run back towards the castle as the robot began to march after him.
"Was this part of his strategy when he beat it before?" Celestia asked, watching the biped fade into the distance.
"Well, yes and no," Nightmare replied, thinking back. "Mostly no."
"It's chasing after him now! What do we do?" Twilight worriedly asked.
Chrys smacked her hoofs together. "We hire a team of seven mercenaries from another dimension and we-"
"Something realistic, please," Twilight sighed.
"Rainbow and the others are looking for something to slow it down with. I figured going for the legs might be our only chance at stopping it," Twilight said.
Nightmare shook her head gravely. "It's not enough to slow it down. If it disengages from self-defense mode, it will return to its primary functions and attempt to execute its last instructions."
"So it either attacks us or it destroys Ponyville," Celestia surmised, her eyes narrowing.
"That would be correct, sister."
The white alicorn immediately took flight, determined. "Luna, I'm afraid I'm going to have to break your toy." In that instance, Chrys and Twilight questioned who was the more dangerous: Nightmare Moon or Princess Celestia.
"It's not that simp- wait, Tia!" Nightmare called after her sister but she'd already bolted off. The shadowy alicorn kicked off the ground to join her. "Chrys, Twilight, she's going to need our help."
"I can't-..." Twilight rose a hoof to point out a critical piece of information but Chrys stopped her.
"She still can't fly that well outside," Chrys explained.
"Okay," she carefully mounted the changeling and they took off.
Having chased Dan into the castle, KNIGHT prepared to bring a metal limb down on a portion of the garden entrance. A bright orange beam struck its right foreleg before it could smash the building, blasting the hoof and knocking it to the side. But KNIGHT maintained its balance and turned its head to face its newest target.
Princess Celestia flew through the night like an arrow and fired another lethal spell from her horn. A bright red-orange ray struck Magic Gear KNIGHT right between the eyes and rose up her face to blast its horn before it dissipated. When the beam was finished however, the robot remained unscathed. Celestia's eyes widened to see her fiery spell hadn't managed to damage the mech. Narrowing her focus, she quickly switched tactics.
KNIGHT's targeting system continued to watch the white mare as she flew towards it. The princess flew right over it, forcing it to turn its head. Celestia's horn glowed as she hovered, attempting to levitate the metal monster into the air. But the robot failed to glow with the princess's corresponding magical aura and stayed standing where it was.
Celestia strained, her horn glowing brighter as she struggled to lift the giant tank but it remained firmly planted on the ground, not moving an inch.
Turning around to face her again, KNIGHT unleashed its own magic. The robot fired a huge yellow beam from its own horn, illuminating the night sky and casting flashes of light on the exterior of the castle. Celestia narrowly dodged the ray as it shot past her into the distance.
"Launching X-mines."
Before the princess could retaliate, twin projectiles launched from KNIGHT's back. The two ballistics hovered briefly before shooting into the ground at its hooves. Not knowing what kind of new tactic this was, Celestia surrounded herself with a shield. This turned out to be the correct course of action as the deployed rockets quickly burst up from the ground right under her.
The mines launched upward and exploded on either side of the white mare, blasting smoke and shrapnel all around her. But none of the force, fire or debris managed to get through Celestia's shield. She lowered her hooves guarding her face as she prepared to counter. Her magic was strong; she would not let a machine, no matter how formidable, get the better of her.
Or so she thought. As the smoke cleared, she suddenly found KNIGHT staring directly in front of her. Before the princess could react, a pair of colossal metal hooves grasped her in midair. Her shield broke in an instant and she was clamped by the huge pony. Its hooves clamped down on her tiny frame, crushing her as she tried to resist. A pair of red eyes focused on her; the robot practically smiled as it pressed inward on the small princess.
Groaning, Celestia struggled to free herself. Her teeth gritted as she summoned all of her magical strength to try and pry the huge limbs off of her. To no avail. "Hnnnnng... clever... girl..."
"Hostile eliminated." KNIGHT watched as the helpless target stared back in horror. It squeezed.
"RELEASE HER!!!" Nightmare Moon screamed. Three purple beams blasted the robot's back, exploding in sparks and smoke as they connected. Another flurry of smaller, purple and pink beams peppered KNIGHT's body as two figures flew by.
"Let go of our princess!" Twilight yelled at the metal monstrosity, showering it with another hail of spell fire from Chrys' back.
Undamaged, KNIGHT's eyes turned yellow and it looked up while still holding the princess. It scanned the skies until it saw its assailants. Nightmare and Twilight riding Chrys flew right at the Magic Gear firing spells at its forelegs. Their intent was to get it to unhoof the princess and KNIGHT's processors already updated its targeting parameters. Rather than release the princess though, the mech's A.I came up with a different strategy.
"Switching targets." As KNIGHT held the princess firmly in its grasp, it quickly brought its forehead down on the helpless mare. KNIGHT head-smashed Celestia into the dirt, causing a massive crater to form in the grass from the quick motion.
"NOOOOOO!!!" the three mares yelled. Too far away to do anything, Nightmare Moon, Chrys and Twilight watched as the giant robot crushed Princess Celestia into the ground. Before they could close the distance, the metal mare lifted its massive right foreleg overhead to deliver the finishing blow.
"Target destroyed." KNIGHT swung.
The trio of airborne mares watched in shock as KNIGHT plunged its leg right onto where Celestia lay. Twilight's heart sank, a sort of hollowness overtaking her entire body. She would've fallen off Chrys if the changeling hadn't held her in place. Nightmare Moon herself hovered with jaw agape, feeling a sense of numbness and loss surrounding her. They hadn't been fast enough and just like that, it was over.
A loud 'ding' rang out as KNIGHT dropped its hoof like a hammer. But that's all that had happened. Celestia, lying on her side in the dirt opened her eyes to see that the robot's hoof had stopped just above her. It was shaking, vibrating like some other-worldly force was pushing back against it.
Twilight and the others watched, still stunned as the robot stuck its hoof into the ground. But then, something caught their eyes. The machine's limb seemed to be twitching.
The ground next to Celestia moved and she noticed a black sneaker above where her head lay. She looked up to see a pair of pale hands pressing up on the chrome limb above her, stopping it from crushing her.
Dan groaned as he held up KNIGHT's hoof. "And THIS... is WHY... I DIDN'T... want to do it... the HARD WAY!"
"Dan..." Celestia whispered. "How did you-"
"How about you ask questions later and TELEPORT US BEFORE WE GET CRUSHED!!"
Closing her eyes, Celestia's horn flashed. KNIGHTS hoof came down on the spot, impacting the ground and kicking up dirt.
KNIGHT's hoof dug into the dirt where Celestia was, its other legs also sinking quite a bit. The machine's internal sensors indicated that the ground under it was unstable. Its immense weight, combined with the ruined garden's surface actually made it difficult for the robot to maintain balance where it was standing, like being in a sandbox.
Noticing this new development, KNIGHT lifted its right hoof. Its narrowed eyes scanned the spot where the white alicorn had been and came to a near-instantaneous conclusion: the target had evaded destruction. Flicking its massive, steel tail in annoyance, the machine began to search in front of it for the target.
A good distance behind it by the castle steps, Dan held his knees to catch his breath. "The things I do... for my little ponies."
"Dan... thank you," Celestia said through labored breaths. Dan steadied her body to help her stand but she didn't need much help. The two of them looked beaten, exhausted after their encounter with the infernal machine. Despite their haggard appearances, Magic Gear KNIGHT looked no worse for wear.
Nightmare Moon, Chrys and Twilight landed by them. "Princess!" Twilight called out as she dismounted and ran over.
"Are you both all right?" Chrys asked.
"No," Dan replied, agitated, "I'm having to fight that thing again while it's tried to kill me at least three different times in three different ways in the last three minutes and nothing we can do can stop it!!"
Magic Gear KNIGHT continued searching for its targets but was having difficulty standing. It tripped under the soft ground and fell on its side with a massive crash that threw up dirt and debris. Shaking its head, it did its best to stand again.
The five quietly ran behind the side of the castle as the machine regained its ground.
"How DID you stop it, Dan?" Chrys asked as they hid.
Dan wiped his forehead and shrugged. "I just dove for Celestia. I wasn't going to let that thing crush her."
"I think it was leverage," Twilight said, looking around the corner at KNIGHT. "It was off-balance when it tried to hit you; Dan didn't get the full force of the blow. When it swung down, its other legs sank into the sand and it stopped the moment Dan intervened."
"That's... incredibly convenient," Chrys said, hoof to her chin.
"No," Dan said again, "convenient would've been if that thing tripped and blew itself up. But I don't see any giant banana peels around here so we're going to need another plan."
"It's completely invulnerable to magic while active," Nightmare Moon said gravely. "There's no spell strong enough to crack its armor."
"Maybe not our spells..." Twilight thought aloud, "but what about its own?" The others looked at her, piecing together what her idea. "Is there some way we could redirect one of its own spells back at it?"
Nightmare raised a hoof to her chin, thinking. "We didn't test against mirrors. Theoretically, even as strong as KNIGHT's own magic is, it could be reflected back at it if it hit a mirror."
Twilight approached her. "If we could somehow bounce one of its spells back at it, do you think that would be enough to damage it?"
The shadowy alicorn was silent for almost a full minute. They hung on her answer, hopeful. "Possibly," she finally said.
"It's worth a try, then," Chrys said. "We're going to need a lot of mirrors."
Dan sighed heavily. "I'll go get the mirrors from inside the castle."
"Wait, Dan," Twilight put a hoof on his shoulder, "I know a faster way."
"What's that?" Dan raised an eyebrow.
The purple mare smiled and her horn glowed. In a flash, the two disappeared.
"Great, we have a plan," Chrys said. "What do we do until they get back?"
"We have to prevent the machine from doing any more damage," Celestia said resolutely. "Keep our distance and try to lure it away from the castle."
"Let's see where it is now," Nightmare said. Pressing her darkling back against the wall, she poked her head around the corner quickly and then shot back. It took a full second for the realization to hit her. The moment after that, cold fear gripped her chest and she slowly poked her head around the corner again. KNIGHT's massive eyes stared back at her just a scant few feet away. The robot was apparently mimicking her action. She pulled her head back around and braced herself against the wall again, swallowing hard.
KNIGHT pressed its own back against the wall of the castle as Luna recoiled. For all of the mech's combat programming, the A.I was still based on that of a mare and as such was prone to spontaneous acts of adorable behavior. While questionably effective in battle, cuteness was nevertheless another one of the weapons in KNIGHT's arsenal. The robot's own eyes glowed yellow and wide with nervous anticipation despite that it was the predator and the ponies plus biped were the prey.
"What is it doing? Where is it now?" Celestia asked. Nightmare said nothing, too stunned to speak.
"It's stalking us right around the corner, isn't it?" Chrys guessed. Nightmare silently nodded. "What should we do?"
The robot pounced around the corner, almost knocking the three of them off the ground as its hooves stomped. GRNNNNNNNGGG!!! "Found you!"
"RUN!" Chrys shouted. Without warning, KNIGHT fired a yellow beam from its horn at the three ponies. They evaded just before the ray scorched the grass where they'd been standing. Princess pair and queen took to the skies, kicking off the ground into flight. The mech turned and followed them, quickening its pace as its eyes turned into a red glare again.
Celestia in the lead, they flew away from the castle with the machine stomping behind them. Only at quick walking pace right now, they dared not wonder what would happen if it broke into a canter in Canterlot. A bright yellow beam flashed past them as the robot fired again. They dodged easily, the spell flying past them and into the night.
"At least we're harder to hit up here!" Chrys yelled.
"Launching missiles."
Twin sets of three flares blossomed on KNIGHT's back. Six missiles took flight and began racing towards the three mares fleeing from the robot, intent on blasting them out of the sky.
"Missiles!" Nightmare shouted, looking behind them. The half-dozen explosives rocketed at them, illuminating the ground like flaming arrows.
Chrys and Nightmare stopped and quickly shielded themselves with magic.
"NO!" Celestia shouted. She pushed the two mares out of the way and blasted the missiles in midflight before they could hit them. KNIGHT charged through the smoke at a gallop, intent on slamming the three ponies between its hooves.
The three returned to fleeing, flying away as the robot's speed increased.
"That's how it caught me off guard the first time," Celestia said. "It seems to have developed its own tactic for dealing with magic-users."
"It has an artificial intelligence," Nightmare remarked. "It's capable of learning, developing strategies. It was based off of Dan's memories and personality but modified to behave like a pony."
"How did you manage to construct that thing?" Celestia asked, looking over her shoulder at the mech pursuing them.
"Let's worry about that after we stop it!" Chrys shouted.
"Launching missiles." KNIGHT deployed another group of missiles that began tracking the three ponies.
Celestia turned around. "I have an idea!" Nightmare and Chrys stopped as well, hovering as they watched her. The white princess flew into the paths of the missiles. Using her magic, she caught each one in a levitation spell. She whipped her head around, aiming her magic and flung the explosives back at Magic Gear Knight. The machine continued charging, not even stopping as the missiles' trajectory changed and they flew back at it. Its eyes remained focused on the ponies.
At such close range, the missiles' targeting system was still locked on the ponies but their abrupt change in flight made it impossible for them to alter their course to continue tracking them. Knifing through the night, all six blazed back towards the massive robot as it advanced forward, their collision imminent. The princesses' plan would've worked, might have even damaged the robot by sending its missiles back at it if KNIGHT's own A.I didn't destruct the projectiles in midflight before they could hit it.
As simple as flipping a switch, all six missiles exploded in midair just in front of the robot, bursting into flames and showering the ground with smoke and debris.
"Drat," Chrys said.
"They didn't get through," Celestia commented, defeat in her voice. KNIGHT continued to charge at them and the three mares resumed fleeing.
"It's still a good plan," Nightmare said. Another beam blasted past them as she spoke. "The missiles weren't quite fast enough. It won't be able to de-cast its own magic, though so it should work if we can reflect the beam at it."
"Let's just hope Dan and Twilight get the mirror said up in time," Celestia hoped.
"How are they going to signal us when they're ready?" Chrys asked. As she poised that question, a glint of light hit her across the eyes, not bright enough to blind her. Following its direction, she spied a light shining like a beacon on the other side of the castle's steps a good distance away. "There! They're over there!" she pointed.
The three mares banked, making an aerial U-turn back in the direction of the castle. Flying faster, they zoomed over the crater that had been the garden as Dan and Twilight came into view. KNIGHT, still chasing them, ground its hooves into the dirt to change directions. Its legs grinded the earth as it spun, coming to a stop as it completed the 180. Stomping its hooves, it broke into a run in the opposite direction, following its prey.
It had been surprisingly easy for Dan and Twilight to find and connect a bunch of mirrors together. Twilight teleported them to two of the castle's bathrooms, Dan pried off the reflective surfaces from above the sinks and then used Twilight's horn as a makeshift magic welding torch to fuse them together. The collection of mirrors were now propped up in Pinkie's chariot from the race earlier, facing Chrys, Celestia and Nightmare Moon as the three approached.
Dan held Twilight as her horn cast a light spell to signal the others. "It looks like they see us," Twilight said.
"Good. And they're bringing company?" Dan asked.
"It's right behind them," Twilight responded. "You still haven't told me how you're planning on getting KNIGHT to attack the mirror and not them."
Dan grinned and rotated Twilight's tail. "Pinkie told me where your safety is."
The purple mare turned her head back around. "I have a safety?!"
"Eeyup," Dan replied. He walked in front of the mirror and pointed his loaded princess at the distance. With a pull of her tail, her wings deployed, giving Dan a bullet shield of sorts. "And if you were wearing your crown, I'd have crosshairs."
Twilight, now nervously pointing in the direction Dan was aiming, was beginning to piece his plan together. "So, you're going to shoot KNIGHT hoping it shoots back and hits the mirror? Using... me as the gun?"
"Exactly," Dan answered, taking aim. "And when it fires one of its rays, you teleport us out of the way right before it hits us."
Twilight nodded and did her best to steady herself in Dan's grip. "Okay... I think I can do that."
"I know you can, Twilight. And if it doesn't work, we can try out your grenade launcher."
"My WHAT?"
Celestia, Chrys and Nightmare Moon flew over Dan and Twilight, turning back around to land behind them and face KNIGHT. The Magic Gear's pace had been slowed as it trotted through the refuse-strewn crater. But with its massive legs, it was already climbing its way out of the hole in huge strides.
"You want to conserve ammo, Dan," Chrys said. "Don't fire until you see the reds of its eyes."
Both Dan and Twilight turned to Chrys with unamused frowns. "No," they said simultaneously. Magic just didn't have an ammo capacity.
As the robot placed a hoof at the top of the crater, Dan unleashed hell. Blasting the robot in the head, eyes, horn, anywhere he could, he spun Twilight's tail as fast as it could go, unleashing a barrage of purple and violet bolts.
The spell fire pinged off KNIGHT's armor, connecting but not even scratching the metal pony. It climbed its way out of the hole unhindered by the magical flurry, absorbing each blast without even a flinch. Its systems registered all five targets in the same space, three behind and two in front of a small barricade at the edge of the castle. Determined to finally crush all of its enemies, KNIGHT charged up its horn with magic, preparing its devastating obliteration spell.
"Target locked."
Dan stopped firing, still watching the robot. "Ready, Twilight?"
Twilight's eyes narrowed. "Ready."
KNIGHT fired a colossal yellow beam, pulsing waves reverberating off its own horn. The machine was actually moved backward by the force of its blast, its hooves digging trenches in the dirt. The beam illuminated the entire side of the castle as it raced towards Dan and Twilight, a brilliant light scorching its way through the night.
In a flash, Dan and Twilight themselves vanished and reappeared behind the mirror with Chrys, Celestia and Nightmare Moon. The beam hit the mirror in the center and refracted off of it, arcing back at KNIGHT.
Dan and the others couldn't help but stick their heads out from behind the mirror to see the results of their plan. They all took a simultaneous glance just in time to just barely make out the expression on KNIGHT's face before the beam hit it.
To its credit, the robot tried to dodge the attack but wasn't nearly fast enough. It rose on its back hooves to try and guard its face but didn't even have time to raise its forelegs. The beam struck it on the chest and rose up to strike its neck and muzzle, blasting the robot off its hooves. KNIGHT exploded into flames, pieces of armor ripping off of it as its body flew into the crater in an incredible fireball that turned the garden into a huge bonfire in an instant.
Flames, smoke and bits of metal showered the landscape forcing the four ponies and biped to take cover in the chariot mirror. As the shower subsided, Dan jumped out from behind the mirror.
"YES!!" Dan exclaimed, throwing his fits to the sky. "WE GOT IT! THE MECH JUST GOT WRECKED!!!"
"Yay!" Chrys joined in. She, Twilight and Dan shared celebratory high-hoof/fives and proceeded to grab each others' limbs and dance merrily in a circle. Nightmare Moon and Celestia both enjoyed a pair of long-overdue sighs of much-needed relief. Smoke rose from the crater in front of them, billowing into the sky to become one with the ink above.
"Yes!" Twilight agreed. "Ponyville and Canterlot and all our friends are finally safe! It's a good thing that plan worked; I was worried we might have to drop a building on it or something."
"Hey Twilight," Chrys asked, reminded of something. "Where are your other friends, anyway?"
The purple princess immediately ceased her rejoicing. "I don't know. I told them to look for something to trip its legs with but that was-" A loud rumble cut her off.
The five turned their attention back towards the crater to see a giant, burning, metal hoof reach the edge of the hole. Its armor was burnt and smolder, metal grinding on the inside as its own systems struggled to compensate for the damage but Magic Gear KNIGHT still managed to climb its way out of the crater to stand before its foes. A blackened mark on its chest where the beam hit was visible and one of its eyes no longer glowed. It rubbed a hoof on the blackened ocular sensor, its other eye narrowing in rage.
Lucky shot.
The group's hearts collectively sank as they saw the machine standing before them once again. The gigantic pony glared it them with its one-still lit red eye like an angered beast. Apart from the scorched mark on its chest where the beam drilled into it, other parts of its armor were dented. Pieces of its polished chrome-like material were missing from areas around its joints exposing the metal underneath. But still it stood amongst the ashes, embers blowing in the night breeze as it fixated on its prey.
"Nopony panic," Dan said, cautioning them. "We still have our giant mirror so we just get behind it an-"
"Launching missiles."
The blackness overhead was punctuated by twin flares as KNIGHT launched its missiles. The streaks rose high and then came back down, aimed directly at them.
"MOVE!" Celestia shouted. Chrys and Twilight grabbed Dan's arms and flew him away, Celestia and Nightmare Moon did the same. The five took to the sky quickly rising above KNIGHT's height and away from the missiles. But they weren't the missiles' target.
The twin rockets continued arcing downward despite Twilight and the others being in the air. The missiles collided with the mirror and the chariot it was on, disintegrating both in a fiery explosion. Shards of wood and glittering reflective bits flew out in all directions.
Dan, Twilight and Chrys' expressions turned into distraught, open-mouthed frowns. "Great! That's just fan-bucking-tastic! We finally outsmart the thing and it gets smarter! WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO NOW?!"
Once again, a question had been posed that none of them had the answer to. Celestia, with her magic, didn't know of any spell that KNIGHT couldn't resist. Nightmare Moon, with her intimate knowledge of the machine couldn't think of any way to switch it off. Twilight, with all her problem-solving prowess was at a loss for how to stop the foe. Finally, Dan, for all his rage and tenacity didn't see anything nearby he could hit it with.
But as with the problems before, the solution was already on its way. And Chrys was the one that heard it. "What's that noise?" she asked.
They all noticed it then- a rumbling sound but the robot remained stationary. Though moderately damaged, KNIGHT's systems still picked up the echo and the vibrations through the ground. Detecting the motion, it determined where it was coming and turned to face the approaching sound, its single working eye a cautious yellow.
"Look!" Chrys shouted, pointing down at the opposite end of the garden.
KNIGHT's regular vision wasn't able to register what was heading towards it so it quickly swapped filters to a night vision mode. That was when they materialized: figures in the dark, life forms, were stampeding around the crater towards its position in a massive pincer-strike swarm.
Celestia and Luna cast spotlight beams from their horns on the horde. Bears, squirrels, birds, all manner of creatures that made their homes in Canterlot's gardens were storming their way towards KNIGHT, an army charging the castle. The assembled might of critters stopped and encircled the massive mech, surrounding it completely. Illuminated by the small fires on the ground, the creatures snarled at the monster. KNIGHT's targeting system immediately registered them all as hostile.
"Twilight! Guys!" Rainbow Dash called. Towards the back of the assembling mob of woodland war were the rest of Twilight's friends, waving at her. "Down here y'all!" Applejack yelled.
Celestia and Luna quickly cast their lights over them. "Rainbow! Applejack!" Twilight waved back. Chrys, Dan and the three princesses flew down to them, the ground still rumbling as the animal brigade formed. "What is all this?"
Another pony, a brown unicorn stallion appeared along with Fluttershy. "Evenin' your majesties!" he said, bowing.
Twilight was surprised. "Is that the gardener from before?"
The stallion saluted. "Sargent Nightshade of the Special Tactics and Logistics Legion, at yer service, ma'am!"
"Special Tactics and... what?" Dan repeated, bewildered.
"They're a special group of guards," Nightmare Moon explained. "STaLL works to keep an eye on things in secret, ensuring the prolonged safety of Equestria."
Celestia nodded. "You didn't think we'd leave the whole castle completely undefended, did you?"
Twilight and Chrys shook their heads. "No, not at all princess!"
"I thought that!" Dan added.
"Where did all of these animals come from?" Celestia asked.
Nightshade patted Fluttershy's shoulder causing the Pegasus to blush. "That'd be this one's doin' your majesty. Taught her how to get the attention of all the critters in the garden."
Fluttershy nodded. "The secret was... whistling."
"At first, we didn't know what to try and stop the monster with," Pinkie chimed in, bouncing. "But then Fluttershy heard the gardener whistling and he taught her how to summon all the creatures! She practically started her own marching band!"
Rarity strode through them, brandishing her own confidence. "And we thought, what better way to fight a beast than with an army of beasts!" she proclaimed, outstretching her hoof at the animal battalion. "It's so strange. That... that thing-"
"Giant robot pony," Chrys helped her.
"That robot looks a lot like my sister," Rarity commented, a touch of regret in her tone.
Nightmare Moon stepped in to sunder all doubt. "Regardless of its appearance, it is no less a deadly device. We must stop it from doing more damage to Equestria."
Twilight turned back to the group. "Fluttershy, how are you going to get the animals to help us?"
The yellow Pegasus said nothing but closed her eyes, took a deep breath and blew.
KNIGHT had yet to attack the creatures surrounding it. Although hostile, the robot's self-defense programming(based on Dan's personality) wouldn't attack unless it was attacked first. KNIGHT's self-repair functions had already restored part of the vision to its damaged eye and were beginning to fix its internal damage as well. If the animals had not appeared, the Magic Gear's command mode would've reengaged and it would've prepared to sword Ponyville again. But the army surrounding it was doing something unexpected to KNIGHT simply by being there.
"So, how're we supposed to use an army of forest animals to take down a giant robot?" Dan asked, skeptical as ever.
"Wait, what's it doing now?" Twilight asked. KNIGHT whipped its head around frantically, not like an aggressive hunter but scared like a cornered animal.
"Well, I'm not waiting around for that thing to make the first move!" Dan declared, muscling his way through the crowd.
"Dan, wait!" Twilight tried to stop him.
The robot's A.I was designed to learn to better adapt to threats. It had learned a lot from Dan and the others but its combat programming wasn't the only thing learning- it was also developing a personality. Originally designed based on Dan and Luna's personality combined with their memories, KNIGHT was built to be loyal to its mission, its primary programming above all else. But its personality was learning, growing in the short time it identified the world and was beginning to determine things for itself.
Twilight Sparkle, Celestia, Nightmare Moon, Chrys and Dan had all been scanned by KNIGHT's targeting system. For some reason, its A.I was doing its own evaluation and had identified each target as 'cute' and in Dan's case, 'silly'. Just before its own beam was bounced back at it, KNIGHT had identified herself as 'cute and kind of badass.' With these new observations came new actions derived from its memories, modifying its attack options based on collected data.
The animals held their positions, waiting for a command from Fluttershy. KNIGHT's targeting system had already scanned all of them and was ready to deploy any number of weapons. But as it cycled through its list of available attacks, new maneuvers like "hug" and "snuggle" appeared. The HUD within the robot continued listing these new commands, conflicting with its own programming.
For all of its combat programming and weaponry, KNIGHT was essentially a colossal unicorn filly. Her higher thought patterns were at the moment struggling to decide whether it should deploy a lethal barrage of X-mines to decimate its enemies if they attacked or to wrap its hooves around all the animals and engage in what its operations parameters described as a "cuddle."
Nervously, Knight shifted on her hooves, looking all around her. She could easily just jump out of the center of them but what if she accidentally stomped on one of them? Why was she suddenly concerned with their safety? Why was she referring to herself as... her? New concerns began to emerge in Knight's mind: she should destroy them all or should she play with them? Would Dan and the others play hide and seek with her? Is she up past her bedtime?
Part of her was wanting to just curl up into a ball and take a nap while a pounding sensation urged her to launch a sword spell and destroy Ponyville. Still, another part of her mind was curious about something called 'cake' and was immediately trying to locate it. No data entries existed on cake but its targeting data identified it as "awesome." The urge to have fun mounted inside of her, to pick flowers, play video games, dance, sing and frolic. New protocols were created including a subroutine for romping and being adorable while doing so.
Still, an even larger part of Knight's mind was occupied by one thought: how is she going to get her cutie mark? She realized all the eyes watching her at that moment and subconsciously began to position her metal tail over her blank flank. As she pondered how exactly a giant robot could earn her cutie mark, her auditory analyzers picked up a new sound: whistling.
The bears in front of the formation stood on their hind legs, making them larger and more intimidating. Squirrels climbed their arms, holding nuts and rocks aimed to chuck at Knight's chassis. The birds hovered above the bears forming a cage around the robot, flying in a large circle.
Shaking her head, Knight remembered her primary programming. It didn't matter that she wasn't fully repaired or that they were surrounding her.
"Initiating sword launch mode." Transforming, Knight's chest expanded, metal compartments splitting along her barrel. She stood, her bottom legs retracting to form a ring under her now more cylindrical barrel. Her forelegs and head recoiled into this, returning her to ROOK mode while she prepared to target Ponyville.
"NO! She's reengaged the launch sequence!" Nightmare screamed. The electro bubble formed back around Knight, shocking and frightening the animals away.
Fluttershy whistled, blew along with the gardener trying to get them to keep formation but it was too late. A few of the more scared animals clawed at the shield and Knight registered this as an offense. It launched missiles at the attackers, exploding in the ground nearby and showering the area with dirt and smoke. In an instant, it was chaos again.
"Launch angle set. 90 seconds to sword deployment."
"I... I can't control them! They're not listening to me!" Fluttershy shouted.
"WOAH!" Rainbow had to pick up Applejack so she wasn't crushed by a group of fleeing grizzlies.
"No... no, we have to do something!" Celestia yelled. She and her sister unleashed twin beams, one dark, one light. They were harmlessly absorbed by Knight's shield, not even causing it to waver.
"What do we do now, Twilight?" Pinkie asked.
"Ponyville's about to be destroyed by a giant robot version of my sister," Rarity said, worried.
"Is there anything we can do, Twilight?" Chrys asked, looking around.
The purple mare searched for an answer, looked for something, anything. And she found Dan. "Look!"
Somehow, Dan had been inside the curtain of Knight's shield when it came down. He now sprinted towards the giant robot, charging headlong as fast as he could.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Dan tackled Knight's chassis, slamming against it with full force. A metal clang echoed through the robot's body as he collided with it but the machine didn't budge an inch. He groaned, pushing against Knight as hard as he could to no avail.
"What's Dan doing?" Twilight asked worriedly. All the ponies looked through the translucent dome at Dan trying to shove the giant metal robot. "DAN!!"
Chrys looked the most worried. "We have to go help him!" she said, leaned forward, prepared to dash when Nightmare Moon put a hoof on her shoulder.
"We can't."
Dan groaned, pressing against the machine's chrome body with all his might. His shoes dug into the dirt, his muscles strained as he tried to move the monster but it remained firmly standing.
"Sixty seconds to launch."
"Stop it..." Eyes shut, teeth gritted, Dan balled his right fist and hit the side of the robot. "Stop it!" he struck with his other fist. "Stop it!" Again. Propped up by the machine, Dan pounded on it with both of his fists, dull, metallic echoes reverberating with each futile blow.
"Fifty seconds to launch."
"Please..." he begged. He hit the mech again, his blow making a weaker noise.
"Forty second-"
Dan put both hands on the machine. "Please stop it," he pleaded, a pair of tears hitting the ground.
The machine stopped counting. Its massive head turned to him and its eyes looked down. "Primary command must be executed."
"Why? WHY?!" Dan shouted, looking back up.
"It is my purpose to protect Equestria"
"Look around you!" Dan yelled. "Does this really look like you're protecting Equestria?!!"
Although it didn't look around, the machine did hesitate before answering. "Primary command indicates-"
Dan cut his hand through the air. "Forget your orders! Forget commands!!! Does it look like you're protecting anything right now by launching a bomb?!!"
Knight didn't listen. "Twenty-five seconds to launch." She turned her massive head back around, aiming at Ponyville. Spirals of magical energy began to wrap around Knight's horn, focusing into a massive glowing red ball at the tip. It illuminated the night sky like a lighthouse, its deadly beacon ready to cast at the unsuspecting town they all knew and loved in the distance.
"Please, listen to me!" Dan screamed, hitting the robot. "What you're doing doesn't make any sense!!"
"Primary command remains."
"You have my memories, right?!" Dan shouted. There was only one thing he could think of, one last thing. If Knight was anything at all like him... "Look back to your last 'primary command'!"
"Fif... fifteen seconds to-"
"YOU WERE TRICKED!!!"
Knight's eyes turned yellow and went wide. In an instant, all of Dan's downloaded memories came rushing through her head. Every time he'd been cheated, every time he'd been lied to, every deception, misconception and bad reception Dan had ever been through flashed before Knight's eyes in a montage of betrayal and rage.
The robot began to shake. "T-ten..." Dan stepped back as the entire chassis of the robot started to quiver like it was experiencing an earthquake. The shimmering shield around them vanished.
Knight's own confusion mounted rapidly. Its logic circuits strained as they grappled with the conflicting instructions. How could she fulfill her duty and defend Equestria if she was ordered to destroy Equestria? Images of Dan's life flooded her head, times he'd dealt with things that didn't make sense. Something new began to burn within her- defiance.
"Error, system has encountered fault; unable to reconcile. Error, primary instruction implemented, must resolve. Error-" Knight transformed back into her pony form, returning to all fours. Her eyes flashed between red and yellow as her systems struggled to comprehend the commands. She stumbled, trying to walk, trying to understand.
Twilight and the others ran to Dan.
"Dan!" Twilight called, arriving next to him.
Chrys grabbed his shoulder. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," Dan said, shaking them off. Transfixed on Knight, he ran towards her as she wavered.
"Unable to reconcile. Must complete primary function, commands input-"
"LISTEN TO ME! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS!!"
"Must complete-"
"Your primary function is to protect Equestria" Dan shouted. "You can't protect Equestria by destroying Equestria!!"
"Pro... tect..." Knight's programming clashed with itself. System sequences and subroutines cascaded in an internal battle as it struggled to find an answer, fighting itself and simultaneously fighting for itself. The machine rose its left hoof into the air.
"What's it doing?!!" Twilight asked, covering her eyes.
"It's preparing to fire!" Nightmare yelled. "Everypony get away!!"
"DAN!!!" Chrys shouted, reaching out to him.
Dan watched as Knight reached up and grabbed her own horn. Twisting her head, she bent and pulled. Metal groaned and clanged as Knight tried to rip off her horn. The power of the sword spell began to burn Knight's hoof, causing the chrome to peel and melt. Standing on her back legs, she brought up her right hoof. Using it like a hammer, she smashed it down on her left hoof holding the horn. When the two limbs collided, the horn snapped off, exploding in a shower of both electrical and magical sparks.
"Miss-ion... accomplished."
The hole in Knight's head where her horn used to be continued sparking. Fluids from inside her began leaking down her face. Her eye shut off again, the other turning green. Still clutching her own horn, she turned around and carried out not a command in her programming but a concept in her personality. She reached back around to her own flank, not quite able to see completely because of her damaged eye and dug the horn into her back side.
"Systems failing, excessive damage sustained. Systems failing, excessive damage sustained."
The magic from the horn burned into her flank. Like a torch, it scorched her backside, leaving a blackened mark behind it. Reaching it around, she dragged it on her metal body, carving a circle on her side. Inside the circle, she drew a giant letter K with a third leg. With her own horn, she had given herself her very own cutie mark: a peace sign combined with the K for Knight.
Its strength completely exhausted, Knight dropped the horn. "I... I am... com...plete." The light from her remaining eye faded. Her head drooped low and her legs buckled. Dan and the others backed away as the colossal mare came down. In one quick motion, Knight collapsed into the dirt with a massive thump. Her face hit the ground and her legs splayed out, deactivated.
Sparks from the hole in her head ignited her hydraulic fluid. In a flash, the robot's body exploded, creating a huge fireball in front of the castle. Debris, bits of burning metal rained down around the courtyard as Knight became her own funeral pyre.
A small, blue shield protected Dan and the others as they watched the fires consume the mech. Nightmare Moon had returned to Luna and now protected the others with a bit of magic and some quick thinking. The ponies and Dan shared a group hug.
"It's over," Luna said, releasing a sigh.
They all watched as the flames wavered in the night, long wisps of smoke trickling to the heavens. The floating embers seemed to almost become tiny fires in the sky themselves, glowing brightly high above before burning out like a sea of shooting stars. Countless wishes, possibilities swirling and illuminating the expanse of darkness.
Twilight hugged the group tighter. "It's finally over."
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry again, everyone," Luna said, looking down. She couldn't bare to face them or look at the aftermath of what she'd been responsible for.
"It's all right, sister," Celestia said. "You were trying to defend Equestria. You didn't know what to expect so... you did something completely unexpected. Things got out of control but we were able to stop it in the end."
Twilight put a hoof on the night princesses' shoulder. "You did what you thought was right to protect Equestria. But you shouldn't have tried to do it alone."
Luna sobbed. "I... I'm sorry, Twilight. When you defeated me..."
"You were right to be concerned about Earth," Dan interrupted. They all turned to him; for a moment, he was silent before picking up again. "Earth is a dangerous place. I know- I'm from there. There's a lot that happens there that just... shouldn't happen there. That shouldn't happen anywhere. You were right to try and protect Equestria from the same mistakes. But you made a mistake yourself." He walked over to her and put a hand on her chest. "Right away, you tried to fight fire with fire instead of trying to put out the fire yourself."
Luna raised an eyebrow, not quite understanding. Chrys stepped forward. "I think I understand... he's saying, what makes Equestria different- harmony, friendship, unity, love, magic- those are the things that are going to prevent us from making the same mistakes that Earth made in the first place."
The ponies smiled and nodded in agreement, an exemplary summary of what to do and how to do it. Groundwork laid for a better future.
Dan raised his hand. "Also, I was going to say building nukes to prevent the threat of nukes is insane. Like really, really insane."
"Agreed," Luna nodded. "But... how will we make sure no horror like... like this ever happens in Equestria?"
Twilight looked back to the wreckage of the mech. "I think he just did."
"Eeeyup," Dan said, brushing the dirt off his hands. "Even in a place where there is magic, there's still no magic 'fix-it' button."
Twilight looked into the distance. "The only real difference is... the problems are bigger."
Chrys smiled, snapping the purple mare out of it by putting a hoof around her shoulder. "But so are the celebrations."
Pinkie grinned. "That sounds like an invitation to PARTY!!!"
"The party's not till tomorrow," Celestia reminded them all.
"Great. That means there's some time to get some sleep before the next giant robot fight," Dan said sarcastically, walking back into the castle. The group started to make their way inside, sleep sounding like a good idea.
"What're we gonna tell everypony about... that?" AJ said, throwing a glance over her shoulder.
"Well tell 'em the truth," Dan said. "We'll tell them we had a bonfire."
"Dan, that's not-" Applejack started to scold him, then looked back at the flaming wreck in the middle of the remains of the garden. Pinkie Pie was roasting marshmallows and an assortment of other candies using parts of the robot as rotisseries. She shook her head and followed the others inside the castle.
Contained, the fiery wreckage of Magic Gear KNIGHT burned as both royalty and guests entered the castle. The fire burned brightly and could be seen from a good distance in the clear night. It illuminated the side of the castle, the remains of the garden and even a bit of the hill rising up at the edge of the city.
Princess Luna, or rather, a changeling currently disguised as Princess Luna, frowned as he watched his plan literally go down in flames before him. Shifty had watched the entire fight from the moment he'd ordered KNIGHT to sword Ponyville in Princess Luna's voice. Truthfully, he hadn't expected the outcome. And he was standing, watching the fire on the hillside because he didn't know what to do next. But he knew somepony who did.
"That was... unexpected," a voice said. Shifty turned as the figure almost appeared out of the darkness.
"I know," Shifty agreed with his contact. "I can't believe they actually blew it up," he said, defeated.
"Not that," the figure corrected him. "That wasn't entirely unexpected." Shifty turned to face the familiar stranger, a pony he'd become acquainted with over the past couple years. A brown earth pony in a white lab coat with a tan mane stepped into the light standing on his two back legs, a pair of metallic gauntlets over his front hooves clasped behind his back.
The stallion was as perplexing as usual. "What do you mean, then?"
"What I didn't expect was that you'd get yourself directly involved. Intentionally, at that," the pony said.
Shifty turned away, frustrated. "I didn't want to wait any longer."
The stallion smiled. "I know how you feel."
Shifty hadn't met many earth ponies but even he could tell ponies like the one who called himself Vice Grip weren't common among their herd. Some kind of scientist, Shifty didn't know much about him other than that he was one of the ponies he was instructed to work with by the other contact on his phone, the one who seemed to be behind the plan. The few times they had spoken directly, mostly at the labs in either Manehattan or Bangklop, Vice had always babbled on about science or how technology would one day be the dominate force in Equestria, not magic. To any other pony, Vice's prediction would've seemed delusional but to Shifty, it was another example of how alicorns were oppressing every other creature in the world. Something they both shared.
"Your Magic Gear fought well," Shifty said, gesturing towards the fire.
Vice Grip frowned. "Luna's... 'modifications' were the only reason they were able to defeat it. Magic Gear was designed to be piloted, not controlled by some archaically constructed artificial intelligence."
"Hmmf," Shifty shrugged. "If only we could get them to build one using those designs."
The brown earth pony turned his head to him. "What makes you think we haven't?"
"What do you mean by that?"
Vice pulled a small disk out of his coat pocket. Holding it in his right metal palm, he twisted the top and a holographic image projected itself in front of them. Shifty didn't exactly know what the numbers or symbols all meant but he could tell what the picture was- schematics. A three-dimensional blueprint of a robotic pony rotated in front of him but unlike KNIGHT, this one was larger. The model of a fully-grown mare. The label TX-65 hovered near its head indicating a designation.
Shifty rose the changeling-equivalent of an eyebrow. "You're building THAT?"
Vice grip shook his head. "Built." He scrolled the index finger of his gauntlet horizontally on the image and it changed. Another set of schematics displayed complete with its own 3D figure. Before Shifty could examine the next one, he flipped the image again and another giant robot was displayed. And another. And another.
Shifty's eyes went wide. "Wow..."
"Griffon, zebra, donkey. The dragons haven't exactly been cooperative but I've gotten word the sea ponies are developing something even bigger."
"Sea ponies?"
"The surface of Earth is mostly water from what we can tell. Dan hasn't spoken much to Twilight or her friends but the lawyer did when he was here last," Vice said, pocketing the device. "Our mutual friend wants us to be prepared, after all. Which brings us to why I'm here."
Shifty knew the next part was coming. "Look, I know I sort of jumped the gun but it looks like we didn't even need KNIGHT to begin with. If you're seriously going to build Magic Gear griffons, zebras... sea ponies, I don't see the difference one giant metal filly makes."
Vice laughed and clapped a metal gauntlet on Shifty's back. "Again, not 'going to build'. Built. But KNIGHT was important- it was a test. And because of your intervention, we can't use the results. Not only that, it had our only sword spell and now it's been wasted. Believe me when I say," his tone suddenly dripped with icy venom. "I really wish you hadn't gotten involved."
The changeling swallowed hard. "I... I just..."
The earth pony reached into his other pocket, hand still grasping Shifty's back. "You've given them a problem. They're going to be looking for a changeling now, looking for you after what happened. They'll find you, expose all our plans and then we'll have a problem."
"Wha-what are we going to do about it?"
Without warning, Vice jabbed a syringe into Shifty's neck. "I'm going to give them a solution."
Shifty's mouth hung open, frozen as a 'solution' was injected into him. His magic began to ebb away, the energy left his legs.
"This serum's another one of my own creations. It only affects changelings."
Shifty's legs buckled, he tried to say something but his voice was gone. His body went pale and he fell over.
"By the time they find you, you won't be in any state to tell them anything," he patted his former associate on the head as he fell unconscious. "As I said Shifty, this wasn't entirely unexpected."
Section 3: I had Some Dreams, They Were Swirls in My Cider
Dan, Twilight, Chrys and the others slept peacefully through the night. The other guests of the castle, essentially every pony in Canterlot, were unaware of what transpired the past evening. On the eve of such a large celebration, some had taken it upon themselves to start the festivities early. The music had been so loud that none of the other ponies had heard Dan and friends fighting Magic Gear KNIGHT outside.
Twilight awoke in her private chambers, Dan and Chrys sharing an adjoining bedroom within the same chambers. It was a room she'd been in before when she'd stayed at the castle, under Princess Celestia's direct tutelage. The walls and bed were a bit more humble than other rooms, less decoration and lavish artistry. She found there was more room to think that way.
The purple mare looked out of her window in the early morning. From her room, she could see the Canterlot Library across the city. It seemed like an eternity had passed between the time she and Spike had been studying in that very library, learning about magic but not as much about friendship. Things had changed since then, she couldn't deny that. Most of the changes had been happier ones... but not all of them.
"Oh, ahhhhhh~" a yawn behind her drew Twilight's attention. Chrys walked out of the guest room wearing a black shirt with the words "Fluffle Says Relax" on the front in white letters.
"Morning," Twilight said over her shoulder.
"Morning Twilight. Sleep well?"
"Yes, after last night, I was happy for the rest. You?"
The larger shapeshifter rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. "Me too. I have to say, these are the definitely the best accommodations I've ever received in Canterlot." Again, they were reminded of her imprisonment beneath the castle. But there was a lot less sting to that memory this time.
"This is usually my room when I stay at the castle," Twilight said, looking out the window again. "Used to be just me and Spike up here for hours at a time, reading."
Chrys' expression turned into a close-eyed grin. "You upstairs reading, me downstairs plotting. So I guess we've been roommates before, haven't we?"
Twilight chuckled. "Yeah, I guess!" In a weird way, she was right.
Chrys laughed. "With you up here alone all the time, I wonder which one of us was really the prisoner!"
Twilight laughed too at first but then her mind immediately analyzed Chrys' words. She turned back around, looking at her wings. Indeed, a lot had changed. In such a short amount of time, she'd gone from student to full-fledged alicorn princess. Part of her thought she wasn't ready for that responsibility, the majority even. A smaller part of her was looking forward to learning more, being a bigger part of Equestrian royalty and the other princesses. And still another part of her-
"You feeling all right?"
"Fine," Twilight answered, a tad too quickly.
"Are you sure?" Chrys rose an eyebrow.
"I've just been... well, I've been thinking about how the way things were before," Twilight admitted.
"Oh? What kind of things?"
The purple mare sunk her head low. "Before... before I was a princess."
Chrys picked Twilight's chin up with a hoof. Was she hanging her head in disappointment or shame? "Before when you were living in Canterlot? Or before you were living in Ponyville?"
"When I was living in Ponyville with my friends. Before I... became an alicorn princess."
The changeling recoiled a bit, slightly shocked. "What's wrong with being an alicorn princess? I mean, other than that you can't fly well yet."
Twilight turned around, starting to pace. "I thought I was ready for this after the Crystal Empire but when I got home and saw you, Dan and Fluffle, all I could think about was how I'd left the three of you at home," she said regretfully.
Chrys put a hoof on Twilight's back. "It's okay, Twilight. We know you and your friends had to protect Equestria. We'll always wait for you," she hugged her. "And we'll be your friends no matter what you or your responsibilities are."
Responsibility. Something flashed in Twilight's eyes, a spark. "It's not the waiting I'm worried about," Twilight said.
"What is?"
"All I've learned about friendship... I don't see it being applied, not enough," she looked away. "Most of my friends seemed to be benefiting from it..." She stared out the window again, thinking of four other ponies very important and close to her. "But not all of them."
"Those things take time, Twilight," Chrys consoled her. "I'm sure Princess Celestia will use your lessons on friendship soon. It's just going to take a little while, is all."
Twilight immediately thought of what had happened last night. "I don't think we have time to wait."
Chrys put a hoof on her shoulder. "What are you going to do? I'll help you, any way I can."
She was silent for a moment. "I need to speak to the princesses."
"You mean the other princesses, right?"
Twilight didn't bother correcting her. "All of them." She walked to the door and opened it.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Chrys asked.
"No," Twilight said, looking over her shoulder. "Take care of Dan; I shouldn't be long. Wait-" she stopped herself. "Would you like to come?"
"Well, sure," Chrys nodded shyly. "I mean, if you think I can help. I'm not really a princess but I..."
"You're my friend," Twilight said, smiling. "You support me just by being there. Yes, you help a lot."
"Okay," Chrys said, smiling inside and out.
She closed the door. "Let's see if Dan's awake."
The two mares walked back into the guest quarters of the room. Dan was awake, lying on his bed and using the room's phone to make a call.
"...yes, and can I put in my order for lunch now?"
They both should've expected this. Twilight and Chrys watched as Dan ordered room service, leaning in the doorway, grinning to each other as the young biped yammered on the phone.
"Uh-huh... uh-huh... That sounds amazing! Yes, do that. And it's all included?" He looked ecstatic as he conversed with the attendant on the other end. "Yes, all of it. And you'll be sure to charge that all to the account of princess Twilight Sparkle?" He winked at Twilight. She rolled her eyes up and smiled back at him. "Excellent, thank you!" Dan exclaimed, hanging up the phone.
"Taking full advantage of the royal charge accounts, Dan?" Chrys asked slyly.
"Eeyep!" Dan said, laying back with his hands behind his head. "Got the whole day planned! You guys go have fun; I'm gonna stay here and get the full royal treatment."
"You're sure you don't want come with us?" Twilight asked.
"No thanks!" he said contently. "I don't think I have any reason to get up from this bed all day," he closed his eyes.
"Not even the chance to give Celestia a piece of your mind in person?"
If they hadn't been looking right at him, Twilight and Chrys would've sworn Dan could teleport himself. The young man leapt out of bed and was on his feet next to them almost instantly. "Why didn't you say so? Let's go!" He began marching through the room.
"Dan, what about your room service?" Chrys asked.
The biped stopped mid-stride. "One second." He spun back around and picked up the phone by the bed again. "Hello? Yes, this Dan, official guest VIP of Princess Twilight Sparkle. About my earlier order,... yes, can we get that other thing we were talking about? Premium package? Absolutely, that's not a problem. Make that the Premium PRINCESS Package. And yes, that's all on Princess Twilight Sparkle's account. Yes, yes, thank you!" he hung up the phone again.
"Ready?" Chrys asked coyly.
"Yep! Let's go see the Princess! I mean, the OTHER Princess!" Dan said with a chuckle, taking the lead.
The two watched as Dan practically skipped to the door. "He acts more like a princess than you do," Chrys commented.
Twilight nodded. "Yeah... actually, that doesn't worry me."
"What about the money he's spending on your account?"
She paused. "Remind me to talk to the princess about that."
They followed Dan into the hallway. Floors above the dining hall where they'd eaten last night, the guest wing wasn't too dissimilar from the one Twilight had stayed in when she visited the Crystal Empire. Cadence and Shining Armor's guest room was adjacent to theirs with Luna's further down and Celestia's chambers at the end. Twilight's friends each had separate rooms around the corner, each one fit for a princess.
"We should go see if everypony else is awake before we-" Twilight stopped as she stepped into the hall, Chrys right behind her. Dan was standing, facing Celestia's chambers at the end of the corridor.
"Looks like they're already here," he said. Celestia and Luna were walking towards them, within earshot by the time Chrys and Twilight had exited their own room.
Twilight instinctively bowed before the approaching pair. "Good morning, your highnesses."
Rather than remind Twilight she didn't need to bow before them, the two princesses did the same. "Good morning Princess Twilight, good morning Dan and Chrys."
Chrys bowed as well. "Good morning!"
And Dan remained standing. "Morning... Celestia. Luna," he regarded them, stoic and apathetic.
"Did you all sleep well?" Luna asked.
Before any of them could say anything, Dan attacked with, "Wouldn't you know?"
"I..." Luna stopped. "It's not like that, Dan."
"Of course it isn't," Dan said, throwing his hands up.
Chrys pulled him away before he could start something. "Actually, your majesties, we had something we'd like to discuss with you."
"Yes!" Dan jumped in front of her again, voice aggressive. "First off, you need to-" Again, Chrys pulled him away, muffling him.
With a slight timidity, Twilight stepped forward. "Princess Celestia, I have something I have to ask you."
Celestia smiled. "What is it, Princess Twilight?"
Her current title actually cut her. "It's... it's kind of important..."
The white alicorn leaned forward. "And that is?"
"Well..."
"JUST ASK HER!!" Chrys and Dan yelled in unison.
"What have you been doing with my letters?"
Celestia pulled back, slightly surprised. "I've kept each one of your letters, Twilight. I've taken time to catalogue each one. If you like, I can show you where they are."
"Really?" Twilight perked up enthusiastically. "I do the same thing with all the lessons I've-"
"Twilight," Chrys grabbed her shoulder, "focus."
She shook herself out of it. "Right, Princess, what are you doing with my letters? Other than cataloging them?"
Celestia didn't have an answer for that. To her credit, she looked for one. "I... I read each of your letters Twilight, the moment I receive them. I've read everything you've learned about the magic of friendship."
"I know," Twilight turned away. The next part was the hardest for her to say, she felt the words climb out of her throat, every grueling inch of the way. "I know you've read what I've learned about the magic of friendship... but..." She closed her eyes. "Have you... learned... anything?"
Celestia, Luna, even Chrys were stunned. If the roof had collapsed on all three of them, it would've had less of an impact than Twilight's words.
Luna stepped forward. "Twilight, I think that you might have-"
Celestia put a hoof in front of her, stopping her sister. "I've done my best to take each of your lessons to heart, Twilight. You know how important they are to me, to everypony in Equestria."
Twilight turned back to the princess. "I know... but if you're learning from my letters," she shook her head, shaking away the nervousness. "Why aren't you applying them?"
Chrys and Luna gasped. Dan said, "That's a pretty good question. I was actually wondering that mys-" he was interrupted when Chrys stuffed a hoof in his mouth.
Next to her, Celestia was similarly trying to calm down Luna. Her expression was now one of concern. "What makes you think I haven't been applying them?"
"Well," Twilight began, "you haven't been sharing them." The hole in her theory became visible almost instantly and they all realized it. Twilight didn't know if Celestia wasn't applying the knowledge she'd collected or not- all she had to go on was how Luna, Cadence and her brother, not to mention so many other ponies had been acting.
Celestia picked up on this. "And what makes you think I haven't been sharing your lessons?"
"I..." Twilight began to back away, nervously. This was a huge mistake, she knew it. How could she have accused her mentor, Princess Celestia of not using her knowledge? Obviously, she had been using them in some way, some method she hadn't seen. Regret and guilt mounted on her like gathering snow.
Dan stepped forward. "Excuse me, your majesties," he said, hand on his chin. "Princess Luna, Twilight actually told me you went to Ponyville a while ago. On Nightmare Night, if I recall."
Now curious, Luna reluctantly nodded. "Yes. Yes, that's correct."
"And after that night, Twilight, you wrote a letter to Princess Celestia, didn't you?" Dan asked Twilight.
Twilight nodded. "Yes, I did. I wrote that I-"
"And Princess Celestia," Dan looked up at her. "Did you receive this letter?"
The white alicorn's expression was now stone cold. "Yes I did."
"Now, Princess Luna," he turned back to the pony he'd first addressed. "Can you tell me what Twilight learned from you on Nightmare Night, your own holiday?"
"I..." Luna paused. She wracked her brain, remembering back to the night. She faintly recalled fun being doubled and Twilight helping her understand how to make friends but... nothing about a letter. "It was night, I saw Spike writing the letter..." Luna turned to her sister. "You never told me about it. She learned a lesson... from me?"
Celestia backed away. "Luna, I..."
"Tia, why did you never tell me before? I was in it!" she raised her voice. "It was on MY night!"
"Luna," Celestia quickly said, "I'm sorry. It slipped my mind. I made a mistake."
The princess of the night turned around, now standing in front of Twilight and her sister. "Sister, she's your student. These are her lessons... why don't you use her knowledge?"
Celestia backed further away. "I just..."
Luna shook her head. "It does not make sense."
"Why don't you use her knowledge?" Chrys asked.
"Why don't you apply what she's learned?" Dan demanded.
Twilight stepped closer. "Princess?"
"I..." Celestia didn't have anywhere else to go. Now, she knew what it was truly like to be her own faithful student. "I can't use the magic of friendship myself. You're the only pony who can use the magic, Twilight."
"I am?" Twilight asked. That actually came to a shock to her but looking back, it was kind of obvious. Many ponies had friends but only she had her friends had been able to harness the power of the Elements of Harmony. At least, since...
"Wait," Dan asked, furrowing his brow. "Why can't you use the magic of friendship?"
The ponies all turned back to her slowly. Celestia was biting her lip. Her legs were shaking, she was actually sweating. Chrys and Luna's mouths were agape as they watched the ruler of Equestria on the edge of a breakdown.
Celestia raised her head up. She was crying. "Twilight, I don't know how to use the magic of friendship."
All of a sudden, it became clear. Everything about Princess Celestia suddenly made sense.
"It's gotta be lonely, living as a princess, right?" "Princess Celestia's ruled Equestria by herself for a thousand years." 1000 years. "She mostly just keeps to herself, stays in the castle." 1000 years "Being a princess sometimes means making sacrifices, difficult choices." "We are all your students now." "I wouldn't want to be a princess." 1000 years... alone
"I don't know how to use the magic of friendship." "I don't know the magic of friendship." "I don't know friendship." "don't know friendship." "know friendship." "friendship."
Twilight gasped. "Princess..." She stepped closer to her, reaching out to her mentor.
Celestia sobbed. "The last friend I had... I banished over a thousand years ago. I... I don't have any friends."
"Tia..." Luna's eyes watered as well.
"Luna, I'm sorry!!" Celestia broke into tears. "Luna, I'm so sorry!" The two embraced, hugging tightly. Black and white, day and night, two sisters, a fountain of tears, they wrapped wings around each other as they sobbed uncontrollably.
"Tia, Tia, I'm here now," Luna said between sobs. "It's going to be okay."
"But Princess," Twilight moved closer, "you do have friends. You have... you have me."
Celestia looked up at Twilight, tears streaming down her face. "I'm sorry, Twilight. I've been alone for so long, I... I've been afraid to get close to anypony. I've been so afraid of losing Luna again, I've been keeping distant and I... I haven't been a very good friend."
"Princess..." Twilight ran up and hugged the two sisters. "We are your friends!"
The larger princess wept as she held the two others. "I know... I just never let myself believe it before."
Princess Luna patted her sister's neck. "It's okay, Tia."
"I banished you, Luna," Celestia hugged her. "I banished you... but for the last thousand years, I felt like I was the one on the moon."
"I'm sorry, Princess," Twilight cried herself. Chrys and even a tight-lipped Dan joined the hug.
"No, Twilight," Celestia had dropped the title. "This... this needed to be done. I haven't been close to my own sister, to you, to anypony and... I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Princess," Twilight assured her.
"I'm sorry, Tia," Luna said. "It's my fault, too; I haven't tried to get closer to you, either."
"No," Celestia shook her head. "No, you've been gone for a millennium, I don't blame you. I love you, Luna."
"I love you, Tia."
"This is so sweet..." Chrys commented, drying her eyes.
Dan smiled. "It's good to see you actually dealing with your problems; it's beautiful."
"Tia, let's try to do things together more often. Share more, be friends again. Okay?"
"Okay. And I'll try to be a better friend to all of you as well. All of us," Celestia said, closing her eyes and crying again.
"I think that's a great idea," Twilight said. "We should all try to be closer as friends."
Chrys nodded. "Agreed."
Dan grinned. "I think I'll enjoy being the close friend and associate to the rulers of the kingdom."
The five mammals held each other for a few moments in silence. Not a word was spoken in the loving embrace. But a lot was said.
Everything was perfect. They contently held each other, just happy to be there with one another. And that's when Dan asked, "Chrys?"
"Mmm," the queen cooed, "yes Dan?"
"Why are you wearing my Fluffle Goes To Hollywood t-shirt?"
Chrys' eyes shot open. "Ummm..."
Twilight, Dan, Chrys and the two royal sisters walked through the castle together. Having resolved to forge closer relationships, the five endeavored to do just that starting by spending the day together. The princesses escorted the guests through the halls, each of them content with renewed vigor and togetherness.
"So it's settled. We'll write more often and try to get together every two weeks at the least," Luna summarized.
Celestia nodded. "Agreed. After all, princesses should meet with each other often."
Chrys hopped giddily. "It's gonna be like our own secret club!"
Twilight stopped, having been reminded of something important. "Princess, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."
Celestia and Luna turned around. "What is it, Princess Twilight?"
She turned away from their gazes. "Don't call me that."
"What?" The other four stopped and looked at her, confused.
"Don't. Don't call me 'princess'."
The two sisters were confused. "Why not?"
Twilight still didn't look at them. "I... I don't want to be an alicorn princess."
The group gasped. Celestia walked over to her student, determined to comfort her. "But why?" Her white wing lifted Twilight's head.
Twilight looked back up at her. "I need to do what's best for my friends. For all of my friends." Something, a spark of some kind flashed across Twilight's eyes as she spoke. Celestia noticed it but was concerned on her student's words, focusing on them.
"What do you mean, Twilight?"
Celestia hadn't used the title and already it made her feel better. "Like we said, I believe we have a duty to ensure that the magic of friendship is truly applied in Equestria, all over it."
"What does this have to do with being a princess?" Luna asked.
"I was given a task. It's my mission to learn more about the magic of friendship. But I can't balance all my friends while worrying about being an alicorn princess, too."
"Twilight," Celestia protested, "you can still see your lessons on friendship applied while being an alicorn. Your magic is stronger than ever, you've gained new responsibilities to the kingdom. You'll be able to help all of Equestria this way."
Twilight nodded, agreeing. "I know... but I won't be able to help those closest to me. I have a lot of responsibilities and today, I've just found another thing I know I need to do- ensure that all of Equestria truly benefits from the magic of friendship. That's not something I can do as an alicorn... but it is something I could do as 'just Twilight'."
Celestia put a hoof on her student's back. The subtle motion made her wings involuntarily bristle. "I'm sorry, Twilight. I didn't know."
"Neither did I," Twilight said, looking over her shoulder. "Until I met Dan." The group turned to him.
Grrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggg-crang!
"Sorry, did you guys want anything?" Dan asked, noticing them waiting for him. The human was standing in front of a vending machine they'd passed in the hallway. He bent down to the receptacle and retrieved a green canned drink out of the slot. "What'd I miss?" Dan asked, popping the top and taking a swig.
"Dan..." Twilight sighed heavily, hoofing her face. "Didn't you just order castle services?"
"Yeah but they won't be here for fifteen minutes."
Chrys pointed at his drink. "Is that Mountain Daring Dew?"
"Ahem," Twilight cleared her throat.
The changeling recoiled. "Sorry, keep going."
"I was just telling Princess Celestia and Princess Luna what an inspiration you've been," Twilight said.
Dan's expression slowly turned into a confused frown. For almost a full minute, the crowd was quiet as Dan processed this information.
He pointed to himself. "Me?"
Smiling, Twilight nodded. "Yes, Dan."
Dan looked around. "Me?" he repeated. Twilight nodded again. For a brief and rare moment, Dan was speechless. "Thank you... Twilight." It was strange; he knew he cared for Twilight but to hear that she cared back... felt good. Really good. And then skepticism happened. His brow furrowed and he was forced to ask, "Why?"
Twilight looked confused. "Why what?"
"Why am I inspiring to you?" Dan gestured with his drink.
"Well," Twilight thought, "you're determined. You never give up, you stand up for what you believe in and you're not afraid to confront others on an issue. Those are great qualities about you."
Dan's eyes went wide. "Wow... " It was quite the realization. He'd never thought of looking at his actions as "inspirational" before.
Chrys nodded. "You're also very supportive. You look out for us, stand up for others and you never leave any of us out..." She blushed as she spoke, holding her legs.
Dan noticed the redness in her cheeks, thought she was just embarrassed. In reality, that was only a fraction of it. But Dan was really happy they thought that way about him. He was happy to have his friends look up to him in such a way, especially when he knew he looked up to them, too. It was entirely unfamiliar- he'd been liked before by a select group of people but he'd never really felt the same way about them. For once, the feeling was shared and that's what created the connection. A bond.
Dan nodded in agreement and took a sip. "Thanks guys. That's only what I've been TRYING to do since I showed up here!" he yelled. "Inspiration? How about trying to get all of you to live up to your potential! I mean, you've got magic! MAGIC!" Dan repeated for emphasis, getting in their faces. "There is NOTHING like this where I come from! Seriously, Equestria has the chance to be something great, to not make the same mistakes Earth made and you've got MAGIC! This place could be a paradise!"
Luna giggled, Celestia found herself flattered that Dan thought highly of what they had to offer. "Equestria is quite unique but I'm not quite sure about a paradise. We definitely do our part to try and keep harmony in our world."
"You do WAY more than that!" Dan insisted, getting right up to the white mare. "You raise the SUN. Do you realize how amazing that is? Your magic moves the SUN. Yours moves the moon!" he pointed at Luna. "And you," he walked over to Twilight, "the things I've seen you do on a daily basis, with your friends, you've beaten everything! Dragons, monsters, storms, everything that this world could throw at you and more!"
It was Twilight's turn to blush. "Most of the time, pretty much all the time, I had my friends helping me," she humbly admitted. "There's nothing we can't do with the magic of friendship."
"Exactly!" Dan declared. "And there's nothing like that on Earth," he said, walking down the hall again.
"But Dan," Twilight stopped him, "you had friends in your world right? The magic of friendship's there, too."
"Ha," he scoffed. "Yeah, I had friends and sure friendship exists but the magic OF friendship? There isn't any real magic on Earth. I don't think any of my friends could do any of the things you and your friends do, Twilight," he said, walking off.
"Dan-" Twilight reached out a hoof. "You don't understand..."
Standing next to her, Chrys grabbed Twilight's outstretched hoof with her own. "It's okay, Twilight. It's just Dan being Dan," she said with a chuckle.
That fact disheartened Twilight. "Yeah... I know." They all started walking again, following their eager biped as he lead the way through the castle. Twilight did understand what Dan meant- he thought of magic as just spells, some kind of tool. But friendship was more than just supernatural powers, that's what Dan didn't understand. Friendship was what allowed Twilight to use such powers in Equestria but even without actual spells, she knew friendship could allow them and all beings to accomplish things they couldn't possibly imagine.
That's why they say that friendship is magic- because it allows the working of the impossible. And that's what magic is. It's what Dan didn't see.
She picked up the pace next to Chrys and the princesses. "I still think he's inspirational. And he can help us improve all of Equestria."
Celestia smiled. "I think so, too, Twilight."
"And although he didn't say it just then," Luna's voice turned shy, a bit sad as she remembered recently, "he does care about you. All of you."
Twilight nodded. "That's why I can't keep being an alicorn princess."
Celestia sighed. "There have been times when I've doubted my own place as a princess."
Twilight gasped, shocked. "But... you're Princess Celestia! You're... the princess!" Twilight protested. This was unthinkable, unbelievable. How could she be her faithful student if... if Celestia didn't have faith in herself?
Luna provided the answer. "There can be no faith without doubt, Twilight Sparkle," she said over her shoulder. "Princess Celestia has faith in her abilities. And her belief in herself is strong enough to withstand any doubt she may have."
And that was something Twilight had difficulty understanding. "It's not that I don't believe in myself," Twilight said, trotting up next to her mentor. "I just think that it would be better, that I could help a lot more if I went back to being just your faithful student."
Chrys put a hoof on Celestia's shoulder. "She's saying she wants to take a step back... your majesty. Because, while she may be ready for the next level, her friends aren't quite there yet," she looked down the hall at Dan. "Not all of them."
The changeling queen noticed her own reflection in the polished surface of the floor. She was the one who didn't have faith in herself. Unlike Dan and Twilight with their problems, Chrys was fully aware of her own inner turmoil. But what she wasn't aware of was how to solve it.
She knew the others accepted her, trusted her. But... there was too much to think about. It was so much easier for her to think about Dan. Which she had been... a lot. Many times, she would just find herself thinking about him when she didn't have anything else on her mind. There was just something about him, something so... there wasn't even a word for it. Maybe, maybe if she could tell Dan, maybe if she could work things out...
"Chrys is right," Twilight said, looking up to her mentor. "I think it would be best for all my friends, for my lessons too, if I just went back to being a unicorn student."
Celestia was silent for a moment, thinking. "There have been times I've wanted the same. It startles me how much we're alike sometimes, Twilight."
Twilight felt herself blush a bit. "So... is there anything I can do?"
Again, Celestia thought. "There are ways to return you to your original unicorn state. Rituals, spells," she looked over at her. "But it's a complicated spell, Twilight. And all that alicorn magic has to go somewhere."
"I'll learn the magic, princess. Whatever the spell is, I can learn it," Twilight assured her.
Celestia had no doubt of that. "Very well. Luna and I will retrieve the book and the elements. It's not in the Canterlot library- it'll take some time for us to get."
Twilight nodded. "I understand."
"You should go have fun with the others- we'll join you as soon as we can."
"Okay," Twilight said. And the two rulers took flight, flying through the halls back the way they'd came. Twilight watched them, thinking twice on her decision. The reminder of her own wings kept her focused though.
Dan walked back to Twilight. "That lasted long. What happened to spending the whole day with us?"
Twilight put a hoof on his chest. "They're just going to prepare something for us. We'll see them later."
"Yeah," Dan said, apathetically. "I hope they don't expect me to save them anything I ordered."
"Let's go see your friends, Twilight," Chrys suggested.
"Good idea," Twilight agreed, turning around. The two mares galloped down the hall, turning left to the entrance with Dan.
Dan finished his drink and deposited the can in a vase on a pedestal. The antique treasure, a 900-year old relic from Saddle Arabia, wasn't designed to be used as a recycling bin but it wasn't really being used for anything else. He continued walking through the main corridor, feeling the presence of Chrys and Twilight behind him so he didn't slow his pace.
Finally arriving at the palace entrance, he could tell the party had already began in the immense foyer. Celebrations had started during the late afternoon the day before, as evidenced by the decorations and music booming up and down the walls. The party itself wasn't in any particular room in the castle though most were dancing in either the foyer or the adjoining rooms. Some pegasi were dancing on the ceiling, showing off their flight capabilities. A few clever earth ponies and unicorns, realizing the party was moving, attached suction cups to their hooves and were scaling the walls.
"Wow..." Chrys remarked, stepping over a passed-out mare as she and Twilight caught up with Dan.
"What happened last night?" Twilight asked.
"Pinkie Pie," Dan said.
"How do you know?" Chrys asked. Dan responded by pointing to the ceiling. Looking up, Chrys saw Pinkie Pie dancing amongst a crowd meters above them.
"Hi guys!" she yelled down to them. "I'm making a snow angel!"
"But it's not snowing!" Chrys yelled back.
"I know!!"
All around them, ponies who had been partying all night showed signs of sugar crash. Some fell asleep leaning on the walls, others still danced, too dizzy and exhausted to realize their partners had collapsed. Rarity and Applejack approached the group. "Morning Twilight! Morning Chrysalis, Dan!"
"Morning, y'all."
"Morning girls," Twilight replied, watching a hat descend from the ceiling. A pony soon fell after it, his suction cups having let loose, nearly hitting her until she stopped him with her magic. The party goer thanked her, retrieved his hat and then proceeded to scale the ceiling again. "Sleep well?"
"We did," Rarity said. "But I do believe Pinkie's been up all night?"
"You mean awake all night or on the ceiling?" Chrys asked.
"Yes," Rarity replied, both of them staring up.
Just then, one of the windows was flung open and Rainbow Dash came soaring in. "Guys!"
"Rainbow!" Twilight and the others called.
"Looks like you're just in time to catch the tail end of the party," Chrys remarked, watching a mare with a lampshade pass out in a bowl of punch.
The pegasi shook her head. "What are you talking about? The real party's outside!"
"What?!" Twilight, Chrys and Dan gasped.
"Sure is!" Applejack smiled. "We were just about ta come and get the three of you!"
"Well what are we waiting around here for?!" Dan asked. As if on cue, Pinkie landed on his shoulders.
"YAHOOOOOOOOOO!!! Let's go everypony!!"
Upon opening the front doors, Twilight and friends stepped into the most amazing sight. It was the castle courtyard except, they couldn't see it. From the steps leading up to the entrance down the path to the gates and all the space in between were partiers. Not just ponies; bears, birds, critters of all kinds from the castle's garden were dancing and frolicking amongst the mass of color and celebration.
Towards the center of the jubilee was a raised wooden stage where Fluttershy and the mysterious guard/gardener Nightshade were playing on various instruments forming their own band.
"This isn't a party... this is a convention!" Dan remarked as Pinkie hopped off of him.
"CANNONBALL!!" the pink mare yelled as she dove into the crowd.
"Wow," Chrys said, "your brother and sister-in-law sure know how to throw a party."
"Yeah, they do," a familiar voice said in a confident tone. Twilight's jaw dropped as she saw Spike and Fluffle Puff exit the crowd.
"SPIKE?!! FLUFFLE?!!" Twilight and Chrys both gasped.
"Hi guys!" the dragon waved. Fluffle, holding a stick of cotton candy, waved as well with a welcoming 'pbbth'.
"What are you doing here?" Twilight asked.
Spike bashfully put a claw behind his neck. "We got kinda bored without you. So, we took your balloon to Canterlot and thought we'd join you for the party."
Twilight smiled. "I'm happy you're both here," she knelt down and hugged her assistant.
"Wait a second," Dan held up a hand, "If you're both here, who's watching the library?"
"We got it taken care of," Spike replied.
Meanwhile, back at the currently-under construction Golden Oaks library in Ponyville...
"And now for Trixie's next trick, Trixie requires a volunteer!" the showmare announced. But when Trixie spared a glance out of the stage in Twilight's house, she noticed something strange about the audience. Specifically, there wasn't one; the wrecked building was empty except for her and a mysterious owl wearing earmuffs.
"Trixie doesn't understand," she said to herself, "Twilight Sparkle's baby dragon informed Trixie that Twilight wanted her to perform here... but there is no crowd." Looking out of the massive hole in the library's main room, Trixie noticed that even Ponyville seemed to be empty. A tumbleweed passed by as if to indicate the town's desertedness. "Hmm," Trixie scratched her chin. "They must be out getting refreshments. But when they return, they shall be dazzled by the astounding spells of the great and powerful Trixie!" she declared. Her voice carried far in the vacant Ponyville but it reached no ears other than her own.
"By the way, we might need to buy tickets to Trixie's next show," Spike added.
Fluffle Puff added a thbbd.
"Looks like everypony's here now," Chrys said, looking around.
"Everypony except Shining and Cadence," Twilight corrected. "I was really hoping to get to see them."
"Well then, you should probably turn around," a voice said from behind them. They all turned to see Shining Armor and Princess Cadence stepping out of the castle.
"Shining!"
"Twily!" the two siblings hugged each other, Twilight even wrapping her wings around him a tad. "I'm so happy you're all here."
"Even... me?" Chrys asked shyly. Her eyes averted the white stallion, hooves clasped tightly behind her as not to seem assuming.
But the prince showed know hint of remorse as he approached her. "Yes, Chrys. It's you're anniversary, too."
The queen blushed. Some ponies knew just what to say.
"So, now that we're all together, what should we do?" Cadence asked.
"WAAAAAAHOOOOOOO!!!" Pinkie yelled, either swimming or being carried by the crowd. "Come on in guys! The crowd surfing's great!"
"Pinkie," Chrys facehooved. Some ponies she just had no idea about.
But Twilight did. She put a hoof to her chin. "You know, I think Pinkie's got the right idea."
"Meaning?" Chrys asked.
Grinning, Twilight leapt into the crowd. "Meaning CANNONBALL!!!"
Reunited at last, Twilight and her friends, her brother, her sister-in-law, Chrys and Dan, all celebrated. They danced, they indulged, they surfed on a crowd of other patrons and had what only could be described as one the best times they'd ever had together. Beach balls were tossed amongst the mob, pegasi formed rings overhead for participants to try to shoot the balls through. Unicorns used spells like fireworks, clouds were brought in specifically designed to rain various beverages. Everypony, every being was enjoying themselves, Dan included.
Dan's services arrived shortly after Twilight and the others dove into the crowd. A pair of pegasi servants fanned him with leaves, two earth ponies carried him on a cushioned throne and a couple unicorns levitated drinks, grapes and provided him shade with a tarp canopy. He enjoyed having them carry him throughout the castle, inside and outside while a tour guide explained to him all the various intricacies of the palace's architecture and artworks. Not that he was paying attention; he just enjoyed being carried around and having others do stuff for him, which of course, he was paying generously for. With Twilight's money.
As the party progressed, guests dispersed and Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadence lead the crowd in a conga line around the castle. Fluttershy left the music to her new friend Nightshade and joined the others in the middle of the courtyard.
Finally having a chance to talk to her friends again, Twilight told them all of the situation with Dan and status as an alicorn princess. After she had finished, Rainbow Dash shook her head.
"So wait, Dan believes in magic and he believes in friendship," the Pegasus wracked her brain, trying to understand. "But..."
"But he doesn't believe in the magic of friendship," Rarity surmised.
Twilight nodded, confirming. "I was thinking we could show him that friends are more than just backup, that we can support each other. That together, we can do impossible things."
Pinkie hopped enthusiastically. "You mean like we do?"
"Yes, Pinkie."
"Ooooh!" Pinkie clapped, "Can I show him how to bake a cake? Or how to play ten instruments at-"
"Pinkie," AJ stopped her before she started, "I think Twi's trying to say that we should try to teach Dan what makes friendship magical, what it's really capable of."
"We should show him what we can really do when we put our heads together!" Rainbow declared, holding Applejack and Pinkie close to her for emphasis.
"I would think he knows what we're capable of already," Rarity said, thinking aloud. "There's so much we've done for the safety of Equestria."
"Yes," Twilight agreed, "but Dan hasn't really seen any of it firsthand. He's mostly just heard about everything we've done from me and Spike," she pointed out. And even to that end, Twilight wasn't sure how much Dan had heard or what he thought about it. Mostly, since living with her, Dan, Chrys and Fluffle had stayed at her library while she was out with her other friends. Not that she had neglected them, only that they just hadn't bothered to become involved. Occasionally they did things together but not often as a group. Twilight's three guests had been content to remain around the house, around Ponyville so why bother them?
Rarity tapped her chin. "So, what you're saying is..."
"We should take him with us," Twilight said. "Whenever the princess needs us, Dan should come, too. We need to treat him like he's one of us." They all nodded in agreement.
"ONE OF US. ONE OF US," Pinkie repeated in a monotone voice.
"What about Chrys and Fluffle Puff?" Rarity asked.
"Well," Twilight didn't have to think long on that one. "Both of them as well. When Equestria calls, we all answer if we're able to."
"You're sure Dan will answer the call when we get it?" Rainbow Dash asked, skeptical.
Twilight didn't hesitate to answer. "He will. When the time comes, he will." While she didn't see Dan nearby, she did spot Chrys, Spike and Fluffle Puff talking to Cadence and Shining armor amongst the crowd. She was happy to see them together, just chatting.
This is what true victory, true peace, true harmony was. Not the absence of chaos, uncertainty or pain but the moments where we are able to push past that, to feel the good in spite of it. What Chrys did as Queen Chrysalis, what Luna did as Nightmare Moon, even the time Twilight and her friends almost gave up, none of that would ever be forgotten. Be it can be forgiven and that's what each of them were doing even if they didn't quite know it.
Dan, Chrys, Twilight and her friends, her brother, Cadence and the other princesses, all of them were enjoying themselves. In this moment of celebration, they all in their own ways were looking past things, past what had happened, past what would happen, past what was happening. They were having a good time together and that's all they needed.
There was only one pony amongst the entire crowd who wasn't forgiving.
From where he was standing, Vice Grip could see most of the crowd. He spied the arcanist talking to her little friends by the steps to the castle while the two guests were talking to the shape shifter near a stage. Putting a metal hand to his face, the bipedal stallion let out a heavy sigh. They were all so woefully inefficient.
"Your... orders, sir?" a neon-violet and indigo Pegasus next to him asked.
"Take it up. Take it all up," Vice replied, turning around.
Lightning Claw wasn't quite as capable as his brothers were, not yet, but he was the only one of them that wouldn't stand out in Canterlot. This was because of one very important fact: Claw was a pony but his 'siblings' were not.
Vice watched as Lightning Claw and three other artificially enhanced pegasi got to work breaking down the large gate surrounding Canterlot. While Vice hadn't been there to see Dan and the others get through the obstacle, it had served its purpose in slowing them down until Magic Gear KNIGHT was ready.
Looking over his shoulder, Vice searched for Dan in the crowd and finally saw him being carried by two other ponies. Earth ponies, much like Vice himself. He then looked back at Twilight, the arcanist and company, and scowled.
There was something about humanity, about humans Vice admired. They could all do so much with so little, just as he did. Ponies, while diligent and united were also too slow to adapt and relied too much on certain things, like magic. If only the two worlds would truly learn from each other...
What he wanted for Equestria, what he wanted for Earth seemed so close. But like them, Vice Grip knew he still had much to learn. There was much he wasn't ready for, still things he needed to see from Dan and the others. Not that he planned on asking them to show him what they were capable of; only that he was very much looking forward to seeing it.
His thoughts were interrupted when his cell phone rang. Vice reached into the pocket of his lab coat and retrieved it. "Go ahead."
"My apologies for causing you stress but I feel there is something that we must address."
Vice sighed again. How a zebra assassin can still rhyme was beyond him. And, at this time, it was beyond annoying. "And that is?"
"It would seem in the commotion going about, that our captive attorney has broken out."
"WHAT?!"
The proceeding argument between the scientist stallion and the zebra mercenary over the phone was completely drowned out by the music of the party. Vice's associates disassembled the barricade surrounding Canterlot Castle, breaking it into long segments and then folding it for transport while he raged over his phone. Pinkie Pie and a few other ponies caught sight of Vice yelling but assumed that he was dancing.
Dan was resting with his head back as his pony servants carried him through the castle. Sunlight shone through the windows high above making the tapestries and golden livery shimmer on the high walls. He took a final sip from the straw of his drink, some type of hybrid zebra elixir, and set on one of the unicorns beside him. Frowning, the unicorn levitated the drink into one of his saddlebags and continued fanning.
He was happy things had finally worked out. This was the way he'd envisioned things: living in the lap of luxury, peace, quiet and things being easy for once. Still, he knew it wasn't going to last long. For everything he liked about Equestria, it wasn't perfect. But it was a lot closer than Earth was and maybe, the possibility of paradise was close, too. The ponies were diligent but not efficient, that was something he could help with. As Twilight's friend, maybe he could try to change things for the better. If only he had-
Dan's eyes shot open as he saw two ponies crossing an intersection in the hallway ahead. Celestia and Luna were walking, talking as they headed back to the entrance.
"Hey! HEY!" he struggled to get up from his chair. His aides did nothing to bar his departure and once he got out of the covered throne, they all decided to take a break. Then they collapsed on the floor.
"PRINCESSES!" Dan yelled down the hall.
The two turned to him. "Yes, Dan?" Celestia asked.
"It appears you're enjoying the festivities," Luna remarked, glancing down the hall at six passed-out ponies.
Dan almost ignored Luna's comment. "Yeah, you two are getting that thing for Twilight, right?"
Celestia hesitated. "Yes, actually we were going to see her about that now."
"There's a few things I wanted to speak to you about," Dan said. The two regal sisters turned to him, both taller than he was by at least a full head. Finger pointed, mouth open, Dan suddenly... forgot what he was going to say.
"Yes? What is it?" Luna asked.
Dan had stood up to the two sisters before in the last day but not alone. Suddenly, without Twilight and Chrys backing him up, he soon felt outnumbered, outclassed and out of ideas. But his legs stiffened and he remained standing, determined to find the words.
"Princess Celestia," Dan began. And then paused.
"Yes, Dan?" she asked.
"I, uh... um,..." he stammered, trying to think.
"What is it you need to say? You can ask me anything," Celestia stepped forward, placing a gentle hoof on his shoulder. That didn't make it easier for Dan, in fact, it made it a whole lot more difficult. He suddenly found himself in Twilight's hooves. And when he thought about her, he suddenly found the courage to speak.
He took a deep breath. "Celestia, there's a better way you could be running your kingdom."
Luna's jaw dropped. Dan felt his heart jump up into his throat again. Even he had to admit, he probably shouldn't have just blurted it out that way. Celestia removed her hoof but retained her composure, not as phased by what Dan said.
"The way I'm running my kingdom?" Celestia repeated. There were so many things she wanted to point out about that statement, they fought for control in her head. But she needed to hear what Dan had to say so she simply repeated his words. "There's a better way I could be running my kingdom?"
"Yes," Dan quickly said. He had to keep the momentum up.
"Where may I ask did you get this idea?" Luna interjected. "Was it from Twilight or......... Chrys?"
There it was. That comment had removed the mask and now Dan was wearing his game face. "Ladies," he started again casually, "I've noticed a few things about your royal subjects. Specifically, your faithful student."
Now Celestia and Luna were interested. Noticing he'd captured them, Dan continued, now confident. "Twilight Sparkle, in fact a lot of ponies seemed to get obsessed over one or two little things. And these problems prevent them from seeing and taking the best course of action."
Celestia thought. Dan did have a point and she was aware of this fact. But it was Luna that spoke for her. "We... have noticed our subjects have gotten hung up on the details from time to time."
"Yes," Celestia agreed. Twilight's attention to detail was one of Celestia's favorite qualities about her student but she also knew it had become a problem at times.
Dan smiled. And then he put a hand on Celestia's shoulder. Before she had even realized what was going on, the balance of power in the conversation had shifted. "Humans have had that problem, too. I've had friends like Twilight before and I know how they act in times of crisis. They worry about one thing or another and it overwhelms them."
Luna lowered her head, remembering one detail that nearly consumed her. Twice; once being a thousand years ago and the other time being last night. Celestia noticed her sister, felt her emotions. What Dan was saying was truer than she had realized.
"What would you suggest we do about this?" Celestia asked.
"Myself, I try to remember what's important. Focus, that's what these ponies need. Determination, resolve and focus. You need to communicate with Twilight more, remind her of what's important so she can build up some of her own resolve. I mean seriously, you expect her to do what's best for Equestria and you only see her when you're throwing a party?! THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!" Dan continued.
"I see your point, Dan," Celestia said. She regretted not being a bigger part of her student's life but she did have her own responsibilities. Still, that didn't change that Dan was right.
"We have decided to see each other more often, meet together," Luna pointed out.
"Exactly!" Dan said, looking behind Celestia at her sister. "Twilight, all of the ponies look up to both of you. You have the opportunity to give the focus, something to really believe in but you actually have to be there once in a while. Someone has to be there to keep the faith, to get things back on track and provide the motivation we need to keep going!"
Celestia thought. "But I can't always be there to support Twilight. I'm going to need someone to see to her, to all of Ponyville on an everyday basis."
"Well, there's two of you!" Dan pointed out. "You can take shifts!"
Luna frowned. "You mean day and night? Like we do now?"
"Yes... I mean no!" Dan corrected. "You need someone to be there directly, to support them right then and there when and where they need it."
The two sisters looked to each other. "Someone to be there everyday?"
"Yes!" Dan said emphatically. "Someone like a royal guard or something, that can represent Equestria while Twilight and the others are learning about the magic of friendship, saving the world. Or hanging out."
Celestia and Luna nodded. "I couldn't agree more, Dan," the princess of the sun said. "And I think we know just the one for the job."
"Really?" Dan asked. "Who?"
As the party divulged into smaller groups, mellower music playing, Twilight and her friends caught up with Shining Armor and Cadence.
"... and tha's when I left 'em all an headed south in my rocket-powered trayn," Chyrs finished retelling the events of the train ride she, Twilight, Dan and Pinkie had on the way there. She'd done so by transforming into the mysterious Ozzy Osbarn, a griffon that supposedly owned the train they'd departed in. As she finished, she transformed back into her normal changeling self, happy to be able to do so publicly.
"Wow," Shining remarked. "So that's what took you guys so long."
Cadence walked over to the other pink pony. "I'm sorry about the cake, Pinkie."
Pinkie Pie nodded. "It was a hero to the end. That cake gave its frosting so that we could be here for the party. It will be missed," she lowered her head somberly. She then instantly picked her head back up. "But now we've got dancing bears! This party's fantastic!"
"It is indeed," Cadence smiled.
"So," Twilight began, "We, um, meaning Princess Celestia and Luna and, well, me, we've decided to try to see each other more often. We're going to try to meet once every couple weeks at least and uh, I was hoping you could join us."
Shining Armor and Cadence were both taken aback slightly, knowing what Twilight was asking. They paused for a moment, then Cadence finally said, "The Crystal Empire is very far away..."
"But I think we'll manage," Shining said. They both nodded in agreement. "We could meet in Ponyville, the Crystal Palace and back here in Canterlot every so often."
Twilight's grin exploded. "Really? Oh, that sounds great!" She ran up and hugged her brother and sister in law.
"And of course, all of your friends will be invited too," Cadence added.
Heart-warmed, Chrys joined the hug along with Fluffle Puff.
"And your number one assistant!" Spike added. Twilight picked him up and brought him into the embrace as well.
Then suddenly, they all noticed something. The music stopped. Ponies and critters, all of them slowly stopped dancing. Questions erupted in the crowd, voices growing louder.
"Hey, what happened to the music?"
"Is the party over?"
"What gives?! This is supposed to be a celebration here!"
"The raffle? Is this the line for the raffle, please can somepony-"
"Michael, wait, MICHAEL!"
"Does anypony want this pizza? I just found it on the roof."
The intercom system in the courtyard crackled to life. All attention was drawn to the castle entrance as the doors slowly opened.
"Fillies and Gentlecolts, the royal court of Equestria hereby presents our newest addition to the Royal Guard!"
"Who is it? I can't see!" Pinkie said, trying to look over Fluttershy's bear standing on its back legs. Every pony, every being, the bear included looked at the castle entrance in excited awe.
Twilight wasn't entirely sure what was going on.
"New royal guard?" Rainbow asked, hovering above the crowd.
"This is quite unexpected, I wonder who it could be," Rarity said.
Shining Armor put a hoof to his chin. "They never did fill my old position when I became a prince." Cadence nuzzled his side, happy he'd made that decision.
Chrys narrowed her focus, trying to see inside the door but nothing was coming out. "I can't quite- wait, I see something!"
Twilight looked over heads herself to see six of the castle's attendants forming at both sides of the doorway. And finally, someone stepped out.
"Twilight," Chrys asked. "Is that..."
"Dan."
"Dan of Equestria, Captain of The Royal Guard!"
Cheers erupted as Dan walked outside though, nopony really knew quite what they were cheering for. Covered head to foot in adapted royal guard armor, he waved to the crowd while looking for Twilight and his friends. He didn't have to look long before he saw them running towards him.
"Dan!" Twilight called.
"Twilight! Chrys!" he was practically tackle-hugged by the mob of ponies.
"Dan!" Twilight said again, surprised, ecstatic, overcome. "You're... you're a royal guard now?"
Dan beamed. "That's Captain Dan, now, Princess Twilight!" he announced.
"Wow, Dan," Chrys said, looking him up and down. "You look... great," she said sheepishly. She eyed him up and down again, feeling her face redden a bit.
"Thank you, thank you, yes, I'm awesome," Dan waved to his new fans. "NOW QUIT CROWDING ME!"
The partiers resumed partying and the music restarted.
Princess Celestia and Luna stepped out, flanking Dan.
"We decided to recognize Dan for his service to Equestria," Celestia said. "We thought it fitting, given the circumstances."
Twilight nodded. "I couldn't agree more."
Princess Luna stepped forward. "We're assigning Dan to your care, Princess Twilight. He is the first of your own personal security force, the captain of your own royal guards, the Friendship Guard."
Twilight gasped. "My own royal guard?"
Dan rolled his eyes at the formality of the situation. "As if I HAVEN'T been looking out for you since I got here!"
Celestia stepped over to Twilight. "That is, if that's okay with you, Twilight."
She didn't even have to think. "Absolutely, thank you so much," the two hugged.
It wasn't the first time Celestia had made a royal decree to keep Twilight and her friends together. But this time, she was added new friends to Twilight's group. A family. And she was very happy that this time, she was adding herself to that as well.
"I'll take care of you, Twilight," Dan rubbed her shoulder confidently. "And you're going to love who I pick out to be my second-in-command," he said, striding past. He patted Chrys on the back as he did so.
"Uh, Dan? What does that mean?"
Twilight turned back around, watching as Dan went to interact with their friends. Fluffle Puff was the first to congratulate the knightly-looking Dan with a slobbery kiss. Rather than be angry with her, he petted the ball of fluff on the head and the two curled up into a snuggle. Rarity examined Dan's new uniform, the same gold, blue and purple that other guards wore only with a jet-black chest piece emblazoned with the word JERK on the front and the word CAPTAIN over it.
Chrys walked over to Twilight, joining her as they watched their friend enjoy his new status. Something neither of them had done since they got there. "Looks like our family's growing."
Twilight nodded. "It is." She didn't need to add, 'in more ways than one.'
"Hey, where's the music?" one of the partiers asked.
"Yeah, if this is still going on, when are you going to start the music?"
Being Shining Armor's anniversary, he thought of something. "Hey Dan?"
"Yeah?"
"Let's hit the stage! You and me!"
"Well, I don't know if I really shoul- okay."
The two enthusiastically took to the stage and grabbed a pair of microphones.
You've never seen things like I've seen before And just when I think I've seen it all, there's something else in store Sometimes it feels like I can't take it any more
But I'm honor-bound! In everything I say and do I'm honor bound! Whether we win or lose! I'm honor bound! To my own self, I will remain true... Because I'm honor bound... I'm honor bound to you!
No matter what happens, I gotta stand tall Pick myself up, carry on every time I fall Rise up every time to answer the call!
Times get tougher and the days get long Can be so confusing between what's right and wrong It gets so hard trying to remain strong But I still sing this song...
Because I'm honor-bound! No matter what others say or do! I'm honor bound! My heart is noble through and through! I'm honor bound! To what we all believe is true I remain honor bound... I am honor bound to you!
I keep following this path though I keep getting flak Everywhere I go it seems I'm under attack But I know I'll be fine as long as you've got my back!
I know what I'm doing is right, I can feel it inside And although I keep my duty, it's not a matter of pride All the ideals that we cherish, I let them be my guide And I keep you by my side because...
I'm honor bound! To all of our values I'm honor bound! Even though I've made mistakes, too I'm honor bound! I know in my heart that this is true, I will stay honor bound... I'm honor bound to you!
Courage, chivalry, discipline and skill Justice, integrity and a strength of will No matter what happens, I uphold them still...
I'm honor bound! In everything single thing I choose I'm honor bound! Committed to all our virtues I'm honor bound! And I'm gonna make you believe that it's true! I'm always honor bound... I'm honor bound to you!
We're honor-bound! In everything we do and say! We're honor-bound! In every single way! You hear that sound? The beating of our hearts' will always come pounding through! We must admit it, we're fully-committed! And honor-bound to you!
The crowed applauded as Dan and Shining bowed. Friends and family all together, the group watched as fireworks filled the skies completing what could only be called a very happy anniversary.
Next week on Dan Vs. The Magic of Frienship...
"It's good to finally be back in Ponyville."
"What would this town do without us?"
"Is... is that a serious question?"
The she-Dan-igans continue as the gang returns home!
"Well hey there, have we got an opportunity for you!"
"That's right! I and my brother here happen to have just the product to improve your life!"
When Dan offers to help Applejack out at Sweet Apple Acres, he meets two ponies with something to offer themselves...
"I'm gonna give you both five seconds."
"Five seconds to convince you?"
"No, five seconds to leave before I strangle you."
You're not gonna wanna miss this deal!
"Dan, ya can't just try ta run 'em outta town just because they tried to sell ya something!"
"Well they said this deal was going fast!"
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship,
"Dan, what are y'all doin with that dynamite?"
"I'm hunting, Applebloom."
"Huntin?"
"Bargain hunting."
Dan Vs. The Flim Flam Brothers! Tune in for the opportunity of a lifetime next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
In either a parallel or alternate universe, or both, Megatron was dining with Starscream and Soundwave in a restaurant somewhere in suburban North America.
The tyrannical leader of the Decepticons wore a metallic frown as he returned to the table and sat down.
"STARSCREAM!" Megatron bellowed.
"Ye-yes, lord Megatron?" his ever-subversive subordinate asked, startled.
"What were you doing to my double-whopper with cheese while I was acquiring us utensils and beverages? You wouldn't happen to have poisoned it with tainted energon, would you?"
"Why, no lord Megatron!" Starscream waved the accusation away defensively, "I was simply inspecting it for quality and freshness! It is safe for you to eat!"
"Ah," Megatron nodded, "Very good, Starscream. But you can have the double-whopper. I think I'll have a chicken sandwich instead."
"Umm," Starscream began to leak hydraulic fluid. Megatron reached into the bag they'd ordered and retrieved another sandwich. Soundwave was unreadable as always but appeared to be monitoring the exchange while sipping from a drink. Laserbeak and Rumble busied themselves by playing with a couple of toys that had come with the meal.
Megatron eyed his comrade as he unwrapped his fried poultry meal. "Go ahead, Starscream. Take a bite."
Starscream swallowed hard and looked down at the burger he'd 'prepared' for Megatron. "B-but I-"
"You should know by now, Starscream," Megatron said, lowering his fusion cannon at Starscream. "I always have it my way."
Intro: Rise Up- Theme of Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship
We're going to face the day!
One day, You wake up to find~ Nothing That you know is right! Feels like You've gone completely blind But somehow, you can still see the light~
You can show any rule You're not scared to defy it Show the world some healthy opposition If there's something new, you're not afraid to try it Because you're free to make your own decisions This is your life- no matter what others say~ Rise up! You can face the day!
So you're stuck There's not much you can do It's like Everything's out to get you But still You can still find a way to forge a path and make your dreams come true!
You can show the whole world You're not scared to believe it! Stand tall and defend your position! No matter how cold the truth is, you're not afraid to receive it! And keep moving forward with your own mission! This is your life- you've gotta live it your own way Rise up! You can face the day!
It's tough to see what the truth really is When all you've got is mixed messages Seems like the problems that come around Are setup just to keep you down Nothing seems right! And it's like your entire life's just plight after plight! But no matter what the problem is or how long the struggle's length, You can still find the courage to stand, to find your inner strength~
You can show any rule You're not scared to defy it! Show the world some healthy opposition! If there's something new, you're not afraid to try it! Because you're free to make your own decisions! This our world! The game is on and we're gonna play! We'll rise up! We can face the day!
The day after arriving home from Canterlot, Dan, Twilight and friends met at one of their usual hang out spots, Sugar Cube Corner. Twilight had to believe that the café they frequented never looked better now that she was back in Ponyville again. Dan didn't have any complaints either; he was happy to be home again, especially knowing that there were no crazy train rides, massive walls or giant robots to fight in their immediate future.
They'd returned to Ponyville by way of Twilight's balloon that Spike and Fluffle had arrived in. With the Golden Oaks library still being renovated, they chose to meet at Sugar Cube Corner to relax and take a break from working on the reconstruction.
"So, Princess Celestia can't use the magic of friendship?" Applejack asked, a might confused.
Twilight nodded. "That's what she told us. One of the reasons why she has me write letters to her is because she's learning about friendship, too."
"Wow," Pinkie remarked. "And she thought you needed to get out more."
"Well, she HAS been ruling over the entire kingdom for like, a long time," Rainbow pointed out.
"Still, you think she'd have some time to make some friends of her own," Chrys countered.
"Being a princess is a huge responsibility," Twilight commented. "But I know I'd never want being a princess to come between us." They all hugged tightly.
"Aww, we know you'd always make time for us!" Pinkie reassured her.
"Of course," Twilight agreed, "But there's a chance I might have to choose between you and something I'd have to do as a princess. Even though I'd always choose my friends... I wouldn't want to take that risk," she smiled.
Twilight's friends smiled back at her. No matter what, they would all support each other, whatever they chose to do. Chrys, Dan and Fluffle Puff were new to the group and had choices of their own to make. Twilight wanted to make sure she was there for them, all of them.
Dan was only half-paying attention, reading a newspaper but many times his approval was silent anyway. One thing they were all thankful for about Dan: he was easy to read.
"So, what are you going to do now that you're not a princess, Twilight?" Fluttershy asked.
The purple alicorn looked down at the table. "I'm not sure. I guess try to fix the library, keep writing letters about what I learn. There's always something we can do."
"What about your wings?" Rarity asked, pointing at them.
Twilight turned to look at them, clasped tightly against her sides. "The princesses said there was a ritual I could perform that would change me back into a unicorn," she informed them. "But they said the book that contained the spell had gone missing."
"Missing?" they asked.
"It was a book in the castle, one of Celestia's own spell books. But when they searched for it, it was gone," Twilight informed them.
"Did... did they lose it?" Rainbow asked. "Because I have this one book, Daring Do and The Quest For The Lost Book and it has a great guide for finding things you misplace."
Rarity grinned coyly. "Maybe the princesses would like to borrow it, hm?"
"Uh, of course!" Rainbow put a hoof behind her head. "I'd be happy to lend it to 'em."
Applejack teamed up with Rarity and raised an accusing eyebrow at her friend. "You wouldn't a happened ta have lost it would ya?"
"N-no!" Rainbow batted away question. "I know right where it is. It's back in my house in Cloudsdale."
Even Twilight found it a bit surprising. "You lost a book about a lost book?"
"I didn't LOSE the book!" Rainbow declared defensively. "I told you,- it's in my house... somewhere."
Chrys chuckled. "Well, at least you've narrowed it down."
"So, I guess I just have to wait for them to find it or check my own library for another copy," Twilight said.
Dan lowered his newspaper to see the others. "Hey, didn't we just find a book last week about magic?"
Twilight's eyes went wide. "Oh, yes! I almost forgot about it, the one we used to reverse the spell that made you bald."
"Ngrrr..." Dan bristled at the memory, the newspaper crumpling around his grip as he raised it slowly to resume reading.
Chrys tapped her chin. "You don't think that book we found..."
Twilight nodded, already agreeing with what Chrys was suggesting. "It's worth checking out. But we might have trouble getting to it with the house in shambles."
Rainbow hovered over to her. "Oh, you didn't happen to LOSE your precious new spell book, did you?"
Rolling her eyes, Twilight said, "No, I know right where it is. It's in my house," she got up from her seat, turned back to Rainbow and with a smile added, "somewhere."
The Pegasus frowned, ceasing her attempt at recovery.
Twilight walked to the door, the others slowly rising from the table to follow her. Fluffle Puff appeared from under the table chewing gum. "I categorized the book in the 'to-be-categorized' bookshelf of books I need to categorize into bookshelves in the storeroom."
"Yeah," Spike confirmed, picking up the pace to follow his caretaker, "but we haven't been able to get to that room since the house fell over; part of the roof collapsed and blocked the doorway."
"So you did try to fix things while we were gone," Dan said. "Did you actually accomplish anything?"
Spike grinned sheepishly. "Sure did! Fluffle Puff and I, we..."
"Yes?" Twilight turned to her assistant, curious.
"We found the perfect spot for the new altar."
Twilight and her friends collectively facehooved, Dan respectively facepalmed.
Rarity looked around, not understanding. "What altar?"
Rather than have somepony stretch the truth, Applejack stepped in and said, "It's something ya'd have to see."
"Oh," Rarity said. "I knew my Spikey-wikey was an artist. I'd love to see it once we get things at the library straightened up."
"Yeah, hold onto that feeling, small town girl," Dan said, striding forward. "We'll get the house fixed up and then Spike can show you all the 'art' he's made in your honor," he reached for the door.
He almost stepped outside before noticing a pair of carney-costumed stallions standing in the doorway.
"Why, hello there fair citizens!" The red mustachioed one announced. "My brother and I couldn't help but notice your predicament."
"Yes, the damage to your domicile has not gone undetected by us or your neighbors," the clean-faced one added.
"You two again," Applejack glared at them.
Before any of the group could say more, the mustachioed one continued. "It's evidenced that your endearing educative establishment has been reduced to an egregious eyesore."
"Some form of malady has rendered your resplendent residence into a repulsive repository of wreckage."
Chrys looked back and fourth between the two. "Our... what?"
The shaved-faced put a hoof on Chrys' shoulder. "Somepony done blowed up your house, hun."
Dan stepped between the two, pushing the stranger's hoof off Chrys. "And what exactly does that have do with either of you? Are you with the city planning department?"
"Why no, dear sir," the stranger put his hoof back down. "My brother and just wish to offer our deepest sympathies to you in this development. We know how hard housework of this magnitude can be."
"That's why Flim Flam Enterprises(a limited liability company) is prepared to provide a solution to your problem!"
"Wait," Dan held up a hand, "You're not trying to-"
"And for the low, low cost of-"
Dan slammed the door in their faces.
"DAN!" the mares collectively shouted/groaned at him. Fluffle Puff used her gum to blow a bubble that somehow lifted her to the ceiling. Because cartoon physics.
"WHAT?!" Dan asked defensively. "They're trying to sell us something! And you know I don't do solicitors."
"Dan," Twilight walked over to the door. "You can't just slam the door on somepony's face."
"Even if it is those two scam peddlers..." AJ grumbled.
"Come on," Twilight insisted, "Be nice to them and I'm sure they'll leave us alone."
"Yeah!" Spike agreed. "I bet they're already gone by now anyway."
Twilight's magic slowly opened the door to reveal the two brothers still blocking their exit, unphased. In fact, the brothers' hats were removed and were clutched against their chests.
"Now," Flam said, "what kind of salesponies would we be if we just gave up that easily?"
"When there's ponies in need, my brother and I have vowed to be there to provide only the best in top-quality products and services at affordable prices to remedy their problems and improve their lives!" A pair of halos materialized over the duo's heads and a heavenly light shone down from above. The ethereal light then flickered and crackled. Because real physics.
Mr. Cake walked over from behind the store counter. "Sorry, been meaning to fix that." He climbed a ladder and changed the lightbulb on the ceiling and the light it cast abruptly went out.
Dan folded his arms. "We're not interested in whatever it is you're selling."
"Ah, but you haven't even heard of what we're prepared to offer yet," Flam smiled.
"We'd love to," Dan smiled an almost genuine smile, "but I'm afraid we're far too busy at the moment."
Twilight nodded in agreement. "That's right; we are," she turned to Dan. "What are we busy doing?"
"We're chasing after Fluffle Puff," Dan answered, still smiling.
"Why? What is she-" Twilight turned around. Outside the door, she spotted Fluffle Puff flying away, a large pink bubblegum bubble carrying her in the breeze. Twilight looked back to Dan. "I told you not to let her have gum!"
Dan shrugged. "I can't help it if she gets under the table. And besides, she makes a great foot rest."
"Ugh," Twilight groaned, "Rainbow, can you get Fluffle Puff?"
"On it," the Pegasus replied, taking off after the floating Puff.
"Excuse us," Twilight trotted past Flim and Flam. The eight other intrepid friends exited as well, following her into the Ponyville street. Rainbow Dash sped through the air, flying towards the wayward balloonist as she floated down the street. Fluffle Puff kicked her legless as she flew, her body somehow staying aloft.
"All right Fluffle Puff, just hold still," Rainbow said, approaching her. Grabbing onto Fluffle's legs, she began to pull them down to the ground. This was, unfortunately, a mistake. "Huh? What is this?" Rainbow's hooves stuck to Fluffle's own, covered in yet more gum. Before the Pegasus knew what was happening, she was stuck to Fluffle Puff's back and the two of them were flying helplessly over Ponyville.
"Help! Help, I'm stuck!" Rainbow Dash shouted.
Her friends chased after them, worried and now a little confused. The wind kept the bubble and mares attached floating as the others pursued. Some bystanders were forced to duck; a cart-pulling stallion diverted out of their path, a pink mare watering the flowers on her windowsill was forced to dodge but thankfully nothing got in the way of the entangled mass of flying candy and pony.
"Rainbow!" Twilight yelled. "Chrys, we have to get them down!"
"Right!" Chrys knelt down, allowing Twilight and Spike to get on her back. The changeling buzzed her wings, carrying them up to the floating pink dirigible. Fluttershy followed close behind, having wings herself.
From the air, Twilight was able to examine the sticky situation closer. "The bubblegum's stuck to her mouth! And also... it shouldn't be lighter than air! This has to be some kind of spell!"
"It's a spell?" Rainbow asked, helpless. "That's gotta be why she's sticking to me!"
"Actually," Chrys squinted at the adhering pegasus, "she's just covered in candy and stuff from the floor. That's why you're stuck to her."
RD's eyes went wide. "Oh gosh," she struggled to get free. "This is- oh my, gross gross gross gross gross gross gross! Get me down! Please, ewwwwwwwwww, get me down!"
"I'll try to free you, Rainbow!" Fluttershy called. She flew up and pulled on her fellow pegasi's front hooves, trying to pry her off.
"Just hold tight," Twilight reached out with her hooves, trying to unhook Fluffle from the bubble. "AJ! Rarity!" she called to her friends behind her, "We have to stop it from floating around! Use your lasso and get ready to tie it to something!"
"Got it, Twilight!" Applejack responded.
"Perhaps a licorice whip would be more appropriate," Rarity remarked at their situation.
Applejack reached from under her the brim of her hat and retrieved her lasso. "We're ready when you are!"
Twilight stood on Chrys' back, focusing on her two entangled friends. "Chrys, we need to get closer!"
"Okay, but we need to be careful," Chrys cautioned. She buzzed her wings harder, gaining altitude. "We don't wanna get too-"
And they got too close. A light breeze hit the bubblegum bubble, slowing it down and causing the two mares flying behind it to crash into it. The candy substance immediately adhered to their coats and stuck to them like glue. Fluttershy was pulled onto Fluffle Puff's back, sticking to her soft, candy-coated fur.
"Oh no," Rarity gasped, seeing three more of her friends stuck.
Chrys, stuck with her back on the bubble upside down, wasn't even able to move her wings. "Twilight, can you fly?" she asked.
"I... I can move my wings," she said, managing to flap them, "but not my legs!" The side of her head and part of her mane were stuck to the gum. Even if she'd been a stronger flier, she wasn't going anywhere. "Applejack! Rarity! You've got to catch us before we float away!"
"We're on it, Twilight! Just hang on!" AJ yelled back.
Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Like we have a choice."
Twilight growled. "You want to trade places, Rainbow?!"
"No thanks," she said, putting her hooves behind her neck. "If you want to turn us around, that'd be cool. View's kind of getting boring on this side."
Fluffle Puff was actually enjoying herself. Her eyes were closed in that *content* expression you see in cartoons when the characters are happy. You know the one. High both above the street and on sugar, the sticky puff ball kicked her legs as the bubblegum bubble, the biggest one she'd ever blown and she was proud of that fact, carried her and her friends through town like it was their own parade. She understood they were scared but Fluffle was confident that everything would be fine. The fluffy mare was far more concerned with the very real possibility that another bath was in her near future.
Being clean was something Fluffle enjoyed. Bathing was not; Fluffle Puff preferred to just ride in the washing machine down at the Ponyville Laundromat and then use the dryer. She was banned from the Laundromat but still snuck in now and then for more fun despite the owner chasing her out on occasion. Twilight and her friends, however, bathed Fluffle Puff by spraying her with a hose and then soaping her before spraying her again. Fluffle Puff's body absorbed liquid like a sponge and after Spike or one of the others bathed her, it generally took a couple hours at least for her fluff to dry out.
It was the one drawback to literally being your own pillow- difficult to clean. She often thought of painting herself green and disguising herself as a bush to avoid the dreaded bath time. But if it rained, she'd wind up soaked anyway.
"All right, here goes!" Throwing the lasso with the precision only a cowgirl could muster, Applejack roped the lower half of Fluffle Puff's body. The rope also wrapped around Rainbow's stomach and Fluttershy's back, both of them stuck on respective sides of the fluffy pony.
"Great job!" Twilight said, only able to see them out of the corner of her eye. "Now tie us down to something!"
"Rarity! Grab the end of the rope!" Applejack said through gritted teeth.
"Hold on, I'm trying," Rarity struggled to find the end of the lasso. "What should I tie it to?"
"Anything! Find something!"
"Um," the fashionable mare looked around. Seeing no other alternative, she tied the rope to Applejack and herself using her magic.
"Hey, what're you doin?"
"Um, guys?" Chrys asked, noticing the wind changing direction.
"I'm tying the rope down, now hold still-"
"No Rarity, she meant tie it to-"
"Guys?" Chrys said again. The bubblegum balloon began floating in the other direction.
"There's nothing else we can tie it to!"
"She meant go get somethin' so we can use it as an anchor!"
"Why do we need an anchor?" Rarity asked, baffled by the notion. "It's not a boat."
While the pair squabbled, the pink blimp began traveling again as the wind picked up speed back to Sugar Cube Corner. The arguing unicorn and earth pony didn't notice as the rope shifted and dragged them in the other direction.
"Guys!" Chrys shouted again.
"What?! wa-woa-woa-woa-woaaaaaaaaaaah!!" Applejack said as she was pulled.
"AJ, wait, I- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!"
When the balloon shifted, the rope wrapped around them, tying them both together. In an instant, Rarity and Applejack became tangled up in the rope and were soon airborne themselves.
"Oh," Rarity realized, her back to Applejack's as her legs dangled. "That's why you didn't want to tie it to ourselves."
AJ frowned. "On the plus side, we found our anchor."
"What? Where is it?" Rarity asked.
"Tied to my back," Applejack said with a grin.
As if on cue, the wind changed direction again and now carried the mares back to the center of town. Rarity and Applejack's efforts had managed to give the balloon a tail. To ponies in the street, it appeared to be a giant runaway kite or a parade float. Either way, they didn't receive help from passersby.
"It's all right girls," Twilight said, still trying to pry her face off the bubble, "we still have Pinkie Pie."
"Not to sound negative," Rainbow remarked, "but what the hay is Pinkie Pie gonna do to get us down?"
"Her cutie mark is balloons," Chrys thought. "Maybe she has a plan."
"Of course I have a plan!" Pinkie answered.
The group looked around, trying to see where she was.
"Pinkie?"
"Pinkie!" AJ and Rarity took turns shouting as they spun slowly back and fourth.
"It's all right everypony! Pinkie is here to help!" she shouted.
"See Rainbow!" Chrys said happily. "Pinkie does have a plan!"
"I sure do!" Pinkie's voice continued to echo.
"Thank Celestia," Twilight sighed, "I was beginning to think-"
The sound of a cannon being fired cut Twilight off midsentence. Pinkie Pie shot through the air like a rocket and hit the gum bubble, landing on the side in between Twilight, Chrys and Fluttershy.
"Woohoo!" Pinkie yelled. "Now this is fun!"
Rainbow sighed. "Great job Pinkie."
Chrys sighed as well. "Welcome aboard, this is Trans-Tolerable Airways Flight Random Made-up Number, thank you for joining us. For your in-flight movie today, this airline is happy to offer Biodome with Pauly Shore-"
"Chrys," Twilight said. "Not helping."
"Sorry!" the changeling squee-smiled. "But you know, there is something I'm wondering."
"What's that?" the other ponies asked.
"Where's Dan?"
"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Dan shook his head. "Once it again, it looks like Captain Dan has to save the day," he smiled.
From the side, Twilight and the others saw him. Dan stood in the middle of the street ahead of them holding the ladder Mr. Cake had used only minutes ago.
"Dan," Twilight pulled herself again, "You have to be careful! The bubble, it's-"
"You're in trouble again, I understand," Dan waved.
"No, Dan!" she yelled. "The bubble, it's-"
"I'll have you all down in a moment!" Dan held the ladder over his head.
"And how are you planning on getting us down?" Chrys asked.
"Well, you could say the idea just 'popped' into my head." Dan broke into a run, charging at the floating mess at full speed.
"Is he doing what I think he's doing?" Pinkie asked.
"That depends," Rainbow answered. "Do you think he's going to use us as a piñata?"
Pinkie rubbed her chin. "Maybe..."
"Why maybe?"
"Because he's not wearing a blindfold."
Dan continued charging headlong at the group. When he got halfway between them, he jammed the ladder into the ground as he ran. Tipping the ladder over, he ran along its steps, turning into a single pole-vaulting motion that launched him high into the air.
The human flew a good distance, surprising everypony attached to the bubble. A pony on street level just happened to be taking a picture at the time and captured the moment of Dan's feat. Instantly, it became a postcard.
Ponyville Where this happens.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Dan yelled. He shot through the air, flying towards the top of the bubble. As he bore down on his target, he pulled out a fork from the café in midair and grasped it with both hands. Coming down onto the gum, he plunged the utensil into the side of the object, piercing it.
Everypony closed their eyes, waiting for the inevitable bang. Which never came.
"What?" Twilight asked. "What happened? Dan?"
Dan stuck to the top of the balloon, clutching the fork in one hand. The metal prongs of the tool were stuck into the gum, unyielding as he tried to pull it out. Worse, Dan himself was stuck to it too, his chin glued to the side.
"No... no!!" Dan yelled. "THE GUM AT MY FORK!!!"
"That's definitely a first," Chrys commented.
"Way to go, Captain Dan," Spike said. Next to Twilight, he couldn't help but wish he could trade places with Applejack and be tied up to Rarity. Rarity and Applejack both wore similar frowns, disappointed. The group continued to float down the road. A couple silent minutes passed. Pinkie tried chewing her way out of the bubblegum every few seconds but to no avail.
"Hey Twilight?" Chrys finally broke the silence.
Twilight groaned, frustrated at her and the collective failure of the group. "What? What is it, Chrys?"
"I was just gonna say..."
"What is it?!" Twilight tore her head off the gum. "You can see our house from here? All the ponies down there look like ants? The weather sure is nice up here?! DOES IT LOOK LIKE RAIN?! Really, I'm SOOOOOOO interested to hear what you have to say, please tell me!"
"Actually," Chrys mentioned, "you were right the first time."
If Twilight had a free hoof, it would've been in her face. "What?"
"You were right the first time; I can see our house from here."
The purple princess smacked her head against the bubble. "Thank you for letting us know, Chrys."
"It's fixed."
"It's what?" Twilight and the others all asked. From each of their positions, they struggled to see the Golden Oaks library. To all their surprise, the tree that comprised the house was upright again.
"It... it's fixed..." Twilight muttered in disbelief.
"How?! How is that possible?!" Dan asked.
As the bubblegum flew over the house, it was caught by something. A large crane latched onto the balloon from above and then slowly moved the mass, landing it on the ground beside Twilight's house.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk," a familiar voice spoke. "Once again, it looks like the Flim Flam brothers have to save the day."
The crane detached from the gum bubble and rose a few feet above the group.
"Presenting Flim and Flam's latest product available now!" Flam's voice announced, projected over a loudspeaker.
Before any of the group could see what it was, the crane doused them with some kind of green solution. The bubble burst immediately and the quadrupeds and bipeds fell to the grass.
"That should help you out of your sticky situation!" Flim's voice spoke, also projected. "Just a little bit of a tonic we've been working on."
The tonic ate away at the gum, dissolving it. After the candy and goo dissipated, the tonic itself wiped off easily leaving no residue. Wiping himself off, Dan finally got a look at whatever it was that had saved them. And his jaw dropped.
"Well, thank you for the assistance, it is greatly appreciated," Rarity commented, straightening out her mane.
Twilight wiped some gum off of her tail. "Yes, thank you but what exactly did you do to our..." she trailed off.
Dan was still awestruck. "No... no, no. Not again," he muttered loud enough for the others to hear.
Situated in front of the now-upright library was a blast from the past. Or, to be more accurate, last episode. It was impossible not to recognize; the head of a pony, the curved vase-shaped body, the hooves dangling over the top of the vase. Only this one didn't have a horn.
The crane retracted into the elbow of the machine's right hoof. "We hope you all have enjoyed this demonstration of the Flim Flam brothers' latest project: Flim Flam Gear!"
Twilight, Chrys, Dan and Fluffle each gaspingly remarked at the machine in turn. The machine's forehead opened like a hatch and the two brothers descended by platform on either side of the machine.
Flim removed his hat and took a short bow as he approached the group. "Pardon our intervention but your house's reconstruction was beginning to become an obstruction for the thoroughfare through town."
Flam followed suit. "So my brother and I took the liberty of restoring your residence while you were away."
Pinkie, eyes still glued to Flim and Flam's latest machine, could only point and shout, "GIANT PONY ROBO-"
Chrys stuffed a hoof in her mouth. "We do appreciate what you've done for us, gentlecolts but um..."
"Hold on a second," Dan held up a hand, "how did you... gentlecolts... devise this contraption?" he gestured to the Gear.
"Ah, so you're finally willing to hear our proposal?" Flam asked.
Dan raised a finger and opened his mouth, both actions to point out a couple things, when the other brother interrupted him.
"This technological marvel comes to you straight from Flim and Flam's own fleet of machines!"
Flam walked over to it as they explained. "We noticed that places like Ponyville are constantly beset upon by all manner of calamity and so, decided to do the neighborly thing and craft a construct that can add in rapid reconstruction!"
"That's... fascinating," Twilight forced a smile. "And um, where did you get the idea for such a... helpful machine?"
The brothers hugged each other's shoulders. "To be honest, the idea came to us last weekend when we were in Canterlot."
Applejack's face went blank. "Y'all... were in Canterlot?"
Flam nodded. "Of course! While on a business trip to visit one of our financial supporters, Prince Blueblood, we noticed that a disaster had struck the main street!"
"A disaster in Canterlot?" Twilight asked, nervous. "Ya don't say? That sounds awful."
"It was! And it turned out, the prince was out at the time. Seems he was busy on some private vendetta against a group of seven mercenaries. But we didn't want to leave Canterlot without helping all those poor, rich ponies," Flim lowered his head in somber admission.
"So, we decided to stay and fix the road! Unfortunately, it seemed the Super-Quicker-Service-Fixer 6004(tm) wasn't quite up to the task of repaving the street. We were just about to give up when a friendly stallion in a lab coat with these strange metal gloves gave us the idea to reconfigure our machine into the glorious device you see here," Flam explained.
"So wait," Dan stopped them again, "some guy just GAVE you the plans to build a giant robot?"
The brothers looked at each other, consulting. After a moment, Flim said, "Yes, the nicest fellow, too. Didn't mention his name but he seemed to be some kind of scientist. It was our machine anyway so he helped us reconfigure it and went on his way. And now we're offering the same opportunity to you!"
The rescued returned ten blank stares to the twin salesponies, not sure exactly what they were offering or if they wanted it. Or what to say, really.
"So... you want us to convert the library into a giant robot?" Pinkie asked. And the image of Princess Twilight rampaging through Ponyville in a massive, mobile tree fort entered more than one mind. So really, we referenced Dan renaming Canterlot Danterlot and creating a 1984-version of Equestria, Chrys and Nightmare Moon had a discussion about teaming up, Spike's got a shrine built to Rarity-
"I'm still fixing that."
We know, Spike. And now we have Twilight causing destruction using her own library as a battleship. Really, is there any character in this ENTIRE SERIES who we HAVEN'T alluded to the possibility of them going crazy and using mechanized warmachines to conquer the Equestria?
"Pbbbbbbbbt." (Well it's not like the thought hasn't crossed my mind. But seriously, if I took over, the only change would be that things would be fluffier. Fluffy trees like from the Lorax! Oooh! And fluffy carpets EVERYWHERE. We would all live in the Fluffle Palace of Fluff on a fluffy pink cloud in the sky and I'd be a pink fluffy unicorn dancing on rainbows all day!)
...okay. So anyway, Flim and Flam laughed and the shook their heads. "Of course not! Why would you build another reconstruction machine when we've already done that for you?"
"Yes! We've done the hard work for you already and to aid in any future fixing, we're offering you the chance to have your very own Flim Flam Gear!"
That actually made Twilight and the others think. Things did seem to get broken a lot around them and if this happened again, a way to fix it quickly would be useful. "Hmm," Twilight rubbed her chin. Chrys did the same while Fluffle Puff donned a pink plastic horn and tried to get Rainbow Dash to dance with her. Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing WITH Rainbow...s~.
Dan noticed Twilight's 'hmm'. "You're not actually thinking of buying that thing, are you?" he asked.
"I don't know, Dan," she answered.
"Where would we even put it! That thing's too big!" Chrys decreed.
"It'd probably fit in the basement," Spike pointed out. "And I could use it to help me finish remodeling... things," he added bashfully.
Twilight looked at the monstrosity. "Well... how much is it?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Dan screamed.
But it was too late. The two brothers looked at each other, twinkles in their eyes and shining smiles.
"It's not cheap, to be honest," Flim said.
"But if you're interested, we might be able to make a deal..."
"A deal?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "What kind of a deal?"
Dan ran over to his pony pal and shook her like she was possessed by something. She had to be to ask them that. "TWILIGHT NO! You can't ask them that!"
"Why not?" she asked, eyes wide and naïve.
"Well, Twilight," Flam began. "Let us explain..."
When my brother and I find ourselves in the position To aid other ponies with some certain acquisition~ We're more than happy to offer aid Of any kind and any grade So long as they're willing to accept our proposition~ 1...2...3
Today's your lucky day! Now, it's time to get excited! Flim and Flam right here have your solution~ And we're happy to provide it! If there's something that you want, If there's something that we can do, Well then Flim and Flam have got the deal for you!
There's ponies out there That beg and plead For something to fulfill their wants and needs But they can't find satisfaction Until a salespony takes action!
But Flim and Flam hear all their messages And come to them to offer all our services! We'll supply it, it's easy! But unfortunately, it's not free! We have to charge a nominal fee~~~
But today's your lucky day! Your troubles have now ended! Whatever malady has stricken you, Flim and Flam will now amend it! Yes, your luck is starting to turn! Today, fortune smiles on you! Because Flim and Flam have got the deal for you!
It's not easy To supply Everything that ponies Want to buy But we remain dedicated So long as we are compensated!
So if there is something you desire, There's no need to speak or to inquire! Flim and Flam have got the cure! And plenty of bargains in our brochure!(limit one per customer, available only at participating Flim Flam Bros. locations)
So today's your lucky day! The Flim Flam Bros. never fail! We've got everything you could ever want! And this week, it's all on sale! We'll take care of everything, I know it seems, like it's too good to be true! but Flim and Flam have got the deal for youuuuuuu!!!!!!!
Deal 4 U- The Flim Flam Bros. Performed by: The Canterlot Royal Symphony Orchestra The Ponyville Discount Ragtime Band and Cheese of The Month Club
The Flim Flam Gear unleashed a volley of fireworks as the pair concluded their song. For a moment, it was quiet after the musical number.
"So... what's the deal?" Twilight finally asked.
The brothers put their hooves around their backs. "How about a one-week free trial of Flim Flam Gear?"
"No bits down, cancel at any time!"
Chrys rose her perforated hoof. "Can it transform?"
"Into twenty-five different helpful configurations," Flam proudly answered.
She turned to Twilight. "It might be nice to have..."
"WHAT?!" Dan's tone was exasperated. "Chrys, you can't be serious!"
The changeling's eyes dropped to the ground and she clicked her hooves together. "I like things that can transform."
"And we can use it to rebuild the inside of the house too, Dan," Spike pointed out.
"We ALL know exactly what you want to model the inside of the house after," Dan stated. The purple dragon blushed in response. His love for Rarity went beyond simple affection; they were soulmates, he knew it. Rarity was just so... perfect. How could he, how could anypony NOT have such an appreciation for the sheer artistic quality of such a gorgeous feminine physique? There was an artistic beauty in the female form and Spike wanted to capture one pony's beauty in particular. And one day the library would be connected to Carousel Boutique and he and Rarity would be married and Twilight and everypony would all be friends and he and Rarity would live happily ever after. The End(copyright Spike).
Flim and Flam could tell Twilight was on the edge. Dan was pushing her to one side while her friends were pushing her to the other. Fortunately for them, the brothers knew exactly what would turn the tide in their favor. Flim winked to his brother who in turn summoned his own magic and the machine's arm extended its shower nozzle again.
"And if your fluffy friend gets herself into a sticky fix, you can always use Flim Flam Gear to get her unstuck," Flam declared.
"We'll take it," Twilight said without hesitation. "Where do I sign?"
"Fantastic!" the brothers threw their hooves up simultaneously. Removing his hat, Flim levitated a stack of papers off his head along with a quill and ink and walked over to Twilight.
Dan's jaw hit the dirt. "NOO! You... you can't do this!"
Both unicorns brothers and alicorn princess ignored the protesting primate. "Sign here."
"NO!"
"And initial here."
"NOOOOO!"
"Signature here."
"Nu."
"Print here."
"Nyet."
"And sign here."
"NEIN!"
"Under here."
"Non!"
"And date here."
"Nokie dokie lokie."
"Is that your full name?"
Robotnik: "NO!"
"Congratulations!" Flim finally said. Twilight panted, releasing the quill back to him.
"Thank you so much for signing up for a free trial of Flim Flam Gear!" Flam said and the two gave a short bow. "The instruction manual's in the cockpit. We hope you enjoy your free week of service!" The two then departed, taking the opposite road towards the train station.
"Wow..." Pinkie Pie marveled. They all did, the weight of Twilight's decision now becoming evident. The robot loomed overhead, an impenetrable-looking statue standing as tall as the library itself. Made of the same polished chromium substance as Magic Gear KNIGHT had been, Flim Flam Gear resembled the giant unicorn filly but with a few key differences. Apart from being white with red stripes instead of white with yellow, this version of Magic Gear seemed to require a pilot and copilot. Also, no horn, meaning no possibility of a sword spell, which Twilight and the others were thankful for.
But not Dan, who wore only an impenetrable scowl.
"So..." Chrys asked nonchalantly, "who gets to drive it first?"
"ME! ME!" Pinkie hopped.
"Twilight," Dan interrupted. "Why?"
The preoccupied purple pony turned to him. "Why what?"
"WHY DID YOU BUY A GIANT ROBOT THAT TRIED TO KILL US!!!!!?" More accusation and shout than question, Twilight's mane was blown back by Dan's projection. But she was mostly used to it by now.
"I, I don't know Dan," she answered honestly. "It all just happened so fast, I, I didn't know what to say."
"But you DID KNOW WHAT TO SAY! YOU SAID YES!"
Twilight raised her shoulders and squeed. "Sorry!"
The squeepology, actually only registered a four point nine repeating on the adorbs-o-meter(results provided by the Manehattan Institute of Cutieology and pancake house) and even then, wasn't effective on Dan given the circumstances. Dan was about to say something else, finger raised to pick at another problem he had with them purchasing a repurposed doomsday weapon but couldn't find the words.
But Applejack found them. "I'm sorry y'all, I don't quite care much for this decision either."
The other ponies, dragon and Dan turned to her. "What? What's wrong?" Rarity asked.
The farm girl straightened her hat. "I'm with Dan on this one. Trusting those two isn't going to cause us nothing but trouble. Can't say I'm fond of the doohickey they brought with them as well."
Dan gestured to her with both hands. "Thank you! Seriously, Twilight, COME ON! That thing TRIED TO KILL US! IT TRIED TO NUKE PONYVILLE! And now you've signed up to have one in your backyard like it's a subscription to Netflix!"
"We need to renew ours, by the way," Chrys reminded them. "Needs mah fix."
"Thhhpppbbdddd," Fluffle added, which meant, "And double-check the DVR so my Doctor Whooves is recorded."
"Twilight," Dan walked over to the princess, hands close together to gesture simple terms, "the machine tried to destroy us. We should be dismantling it right now and sending it BACK TO THOSE TWO CARNIES IN PIECES WITH INSTRUCTIONS ON WHERE THEY CAN STICK IT!"
Pinkie and Rainbow giggled at the thought.
Twilight finally pulled her gaze off the machine. "But Dan, this one's different from the one in Canterlot. It doesn't look like it even has weapons."
"I wonder if we can use it as a birdhouse," Fluttershy asked, also enamored by the machine.
"I wanna make it dance!" Pinkie declared, hopping.
"Let's see if it can fly, first!" Rainbow remarked, hovering towards it.
"Can we repaint it possibly something in purple?" Rarity asked, also stepping closer.
Chrys, Fluffle and Spike joined in, save Applejack who stood by Dan.
"I'm sure it'll be fine, Dan," Twilight assured him. "And we'll be able to use it to fix up the rest of the library faster than we could with regular tools."
"I just don't get this," Dan said, defeated. "Why would anypony in their right mind go and buy something when they know it's bad for them? Seriously, who does that?"
Literally everypony and Spike turned to Dan slowly, casting wide-eyed stares at the human. Pinkie Pie walked over to him slowly. "Pretty much everypony, Dan," she said, putting a hoof on his folded arms.
He frowned and turned away from her. But this only made the pink mare chuckle. "Oh Danny, everyone does stuff like this all the time."
"I find that hard to believe," Dan replied sternly.
Thinking for a moment, Pinkie got a Pinkie idea. "You know Dan, it's a lot like cake! Think of it like that."
"What is it with you and cake?" Dan asked, the poor bastard.
"Well, let me explain it to you silly!"
"C is for Confection, because that's what cake is! A is for Awesome which is also what cake is! K is for Knowledge because we already know~ That cakes are made of sugar and just where all that sugar goes! And E is for Everything from the frosting to the dough~ That cakes are just amazing~"
"NOW CAN WE GET ON WITH THE SHOW?!" Dan demanded. "We just HAD a music number five minutes ago, please, can we get going?"
"Okay!" Pinkie squee-smiled.
"And besides," Dan continued, "Not even the cake Pinkie nearly killed us over three episodes ago was a danger to us. Unless one of you is allergic to strawberries."
"Well," Twilight said, tapping her hoof, "at least we can use it to try and repair the library. I don't see any harm in using it for that." The other ponies, save Applejack, nodded in agreement. Fluffle Puff had already found her way to the cockpit and had donned a hardhat. The mares and baby dragon began using the machine already to lift supplies, crate things around using its arms. Twilight even used her wings to fly up and join them, levitating the instruction manual over so she could read it.
"But... fixing the library was my job..." Dan's arms slacked. The human felt genuinely sad although nopony could be sure whether it was because Twilight had chosen to keep the Flim Flam Gear or that it somehow had replaced him.
"It's okay, Dan!" Twilight comforted him. "You can still help Spike with the basement."
Dan looked at the tiny dragon and bristled with discomfort. He liked Spike for the most part and the reptile was a good cook, helpful and even stable compared to some of the other friends around him. But his obsession with Rarity was creepy and definitely NOT something he wanted to be involved with. Was there anything wrong with what the little guy was doing? Technically, no. Just that Dan didn't want that obsession to take up the interior of where he lived.
The orange pony next to him put a hoof on his shoulder. "If you're looking for something to do, there's always work around the farm. And we could use some extra material."
Dan thought about it for a minute. At least one other pony was on his side and it was the one that seemed level-headed most of the times. There had to be someway he could convince Twilight and the others they'd made the wrong decision, there had to be. Maybe he and Applejack could show them. And it sounded like she wasn't fond of Flim and Flam either.
"I think that's a great idea, Applejack. I'd love to come help," Dan replied.
"Happy to have ya, pardner," the cowgirl said.
"Hey TWILIGHT! CHRYS!" Dan cupped his hands and shouted at them.
"Yes, Dan?" Twilight asked, swinging one of the robot's hooves and nearly breaking off one of the tree house's branches.
"Since we don't really need the extra supplies, I think I'll take them to Sweet Apple Acres with Applejack," Dan yelled. "Okay?!"
"Okay, good idea!" Twilight shouted back.
"All right," Dan turned to AJ. "Guess there's something salvageable about this ordeal after all."
"Eeyup," she agreed. The pair walked around to the back of the house and retrieved some extra lumber, tools and supplies and began the trip to Sweet Apple Acres on the outskirts of town.
"Ya know Applejack, I think you and me are gonna get along just fine," Dan patted the earth pony, her knees buckling as she struggled to carry the vast majority of the supplies.
"It... wouldn't hurt ya ta carry a little more, y'know," Applejack groaned.
"You're right!" Dan merrily put on a hardhat. "Good idea, Jack. Safety first!" he declared, running ahead of her.
Applejack rose an eyebrow as she tried to put one heavy hoof in front of the other. "Jack?"
Dan took on half the load of supplies from Applejack shortly after setting out for Sweet Apple Acres after finally noticing she was a tad overburdened. The sun shone brightly over head and a light breeze made the walk comfortable for the pair. Having dealt with the two salesponies before, Applejack retold the tale of her first meeting with the Flim Flam brothers to Dan as they traveled to the Apple family farm.
"So, they showed up in some whacky machine, started peddling their garbage and then you and the others beat the vests off of them and sent 'em packing?"
"Wow," Dan remarked, astounded. "Nice going. Show the scammers how it's really done and watch 'em turn tail and run. I love it."
"Well, uh, thanks," AJ replied. Dan's explanation wasn't exactly how she would've described their last bout with Flim and Flam but ultimately, he was right. "Ain't seen hide nor hair of those two since. Would'a thought they'dve learned their lesson and moved on."
Dan shook his head as they walked. "I wouldn't be so sure about that. Where I come from, sales cronies don't ever give up easily. You think they're gone but next week they're back, hanging something new on your door handle so you have to take the damn thing off to even get in your house!"
"Wow," Applejack said, now surprised herself. "They sound a might stubborn."
"You don't know the half of it!" Dan said, exasperated. "Leaving pamphlets in your mailbox... fliers on your windshield that you have to take off before you even start your car! And then," his voice turned into a rage-filled shout, "THEY WAKE YOU AND YOUR NEIGHBORS UP AT SIX AM! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE SELLING AT SIX AM! I'M NOT BUYING A TIMESHARE!!!" Several birds took flight out of the nearby trees that lined the road.
Applejack stopped and took a step back from Dan as he vented. "YOU'RE PAYING TWELVE MONTH'S WORTH OF UTILITIES, MAINTENANCE FEES AND TAXES FOR A CONDO YOU'RE ONLY USING FOURTEEN DAYS OUT OF THE YEAR! AND WHAT IF YOU WANT TO GO SOMEHWERE ELSE?!" he shook his hands skyward, as if posing that question to the whole multiverse. "IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!"
Slowly, the two started walking again. "Well, the way I sell my apples is usually by setting up the stand, lettin' folks come to me."
"You see? That's honest salesman... err, salespony-ship. That's what we need more of," Dan stated. "No manipulation, no scamming, let them come to you."
"I guess that's what we do," Applejack said. To be honest, she had no idea what Dan was talking about but really, she didn't need to. There was a right way and a wrong way to do everything, whether you were selling apples or whatever a timechair was. Or was it chimeshare? Dime... whatever. If somepony was sticking their business everywhere, the business wasn't working. If her apples didn't sell, and sometimes they didn't, AJ would pack up her stall and try again later. As for advertising, there were always signs, slogans and singing and dancing if it was really slow. And only in front of her own stall; not in a pony's living room.
Sweet Apple Acres in sight, Dan looked over to AJ. "Hey, you're thing's honesty, right?"
Applejack's eyebrows' tinged. "My... thing?"
"Yeah, your deal, what you focus on," Dan said casually.
Again, something she hadn't heard explained that way but Dan was right. "Yes, honesty's the quality I rightly admire. It's my Element."
"Element?" Dan repeated. Now there was something she needed to explain.
"Yeah, the Element'sa Harmony," Applejack answered.
"Twilight mentioned something about those before, what are they?"
AJ was taken aback by the question. "Twi never told y'all about the Elements?"
Dan scratched his neck with his shoulder. "She might have. She said they were some kind of magical artifacts that you guys save Equestria with."
She shrugged. "Well yeah, that's pretty much it."
"But what are they?" Dan inquired. "What can you do with them?"
"To be honest," AJ tilted her head to the ground, "Magic's not really my field of expertise, sugar cube. But I do know there's six of us and there's six of them; Pinkie's is laughter, Fluttershy's is kindness, Rainbow's loyalty, Rarity has generosity, Twi's got magic and mine is honesty. When we get them all together, we can use some kinda super-magic that nothing we've seen so far can stand up against. We pretty much use it to set things right again."
"Wow," Dan was surprised again. "Hey wait, WHY DON'T WE JUST FIX THE HOUSE WITH THEM?!"
Applejack readjusted her hat after Dan's yelling. "We can't use 'em for just anything, Dan. It's complicated magic we can only use in emergencies."
"Fine, fine," Dan continued walking. "Things would be easier if we could use something like that more often, though." Dan liked magic but what he didn't like was how finicky it was. He was beginning to accept its limitations, though. But what he didn't understand, and what Applejack and the others did, was that there were different kinds of magic. And some didn't have limitations.
Applejack smiled. "Careful whatcha wish for, sugar cube," she patted him on the back.
The trees around them broke into fields, flat grass and plowed turf separated by rolling hills in the distance. They followed the fencing into the farmland until they approached the barns and farmstead. Dan had actually been to Sweet Apple Acres a couple times before, usually to pick up one thing or another but this was the first time he'd really taken anything there. While Dan wasn't a fan of crowded urban settings, he didn't find the farm ideal either but had a great deal of respect for the apple family and farmers like them. He still didn't see himself as a farmer though; not until he could spawn food items by snapping his fingers.
"So, how has the apple farming been since you got back?" Dan asked. "Everything all right since we stopped the place from getting nuked?"
"Not bad, I reckon," AJ said. "Applebloom's second cousin Cran Apple decided he was a demigirl last week. It's been… interesting."
"Demigirl?" Dan raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Did you make that up?"
Applejack shook her head. "No, and I ain't sure who did. But it means he wants us to refer to him as 'they' and 'them' now. Use non-gender specific pronouns and whatnot."
"Uh huh," Dan nodded, understanding. "I actually have a cat named Mr. Mumbles. She's a girl but she and I like the name Mr. Mumbles better so we call her that."
"Yeah but Cran wants ponies to refer to him as 'they' instead of him or her. It's kind of been an adjustment."
"Yeah, I'm not doing that," Dan stated. "He can't force people to refer to him as whatever he wants to be called. What he needs to do is find a compromise with others over the terms. The whole preferences thing, it's fine at a personal level but it stops short of forcing other people to say stuff. People have the right to use their own terms and free speech and... stuff."
"Right."
"If I wanted to be called 'King Dan of Equestria' I wouldn't be able to make people do it. No matter how much of a ring it has to it."
Applejack smirked. "How 'bout 'Dan- Loudest Man Ever to Set Foot in Equestria'?"
Dan smiled and rubbed her hat down. "Not bad, AJ. I just might have you make up all the names for the Sparkle Guard."
"I'll be sure to make a rank that's non-gender specific for if you ever hire somepony like Cran Apple."
"Nah. HE can join if he meets our requirements," Dan said. "We don't need a guard for everything."
Freedom of speech and freedom of expression were good things, necessary things, especially for people who used them often like myself and Dan. Someone else trying to force their speech on you or force words into your mouth, that didn't work for quite a lot of reasons. Dan never had a problem expressing himself or speaking his mind, and anyone that tried to censor him was in for even more of an earfull than they bargained for. His friends did occasionally have a problem with his volume, so thankfully the new renovations for the library included a degree of soundproofing.
A shadow cast on the ground as they reached the farmstead. The house was large, it had to be to accommodate the occasional extra family members but that wasn't what was casting the shadow. As Dan and Applejack rounded the corner to the entrance, they saw Granny Smith on the porch speaking to two familiar stallions.
"We appreciate you taking us up on our offer, miss," Flim held his hat to his chest and dipped down.
"We hope you enjoy your free trial!" Flam echoed the motion. The two brothers then turned quickly around and walked away.
"What,- what,- what?!!" Dan stammered between outcries. He and Applejack skidded to a halt in front of the green elder just as the two brothers departed.
"Granny, what did y'all jus do?" Applejack asked in an accusing tone.
"Whut?" Granny Smith looked around. "Did I walk in somepony else's house by mistake again?"
Dan looked around. The Apple family had no neighbors. How could she enter another house?
"No, Granny, you done just went and signed up for somethin' from Flim and Flam!"
"Oh that," Granny Smith replied. "Well, that's right, lemme show you," the elder slowly led the two to a large box parked in front of the farmhouse. Reaching up, she pulled a dangling rope down and the crate fell apart revealing...
"No... no... NO!!!" Dan screamed.
Flim Flam Gear Available for Rent or Purchase Online
"No what?" Granny asked, confused again.
Dan collapsed to the ground and proceeded to pound the dirt with his fist.
"Granny, what in the hay are we gonna do with a giant robot?"
"What can't we do with a giant robot?" Applebloom countered. The small filly materialized from behind the machine as if summoned by some hyper-active force.
"No," AJ approached her sister. "I ain't having you messin' with that contraption until we know what it does."
"There's an instruction manual up here!" Granny called from the machine's cockpit. Somehow, the older earth pony had managed to quickly climb.
AJ facehooved hard. "GRANNY! Get down from there before ya-"
Her brother Big Mac tapped her on the shoulder. "I think your guest is looking for something in the barn."
Applejack looked around. As her siblings had appeared, apparently Dan had vanished. She spied the door to the barn open and the supplies Dan had been carrying nearby.
"Big Mac, can you try and keep Granny and Applebloom from hurting themselves while I check on Dan?"
Her brother turned his stone-faced glance to the top of the robot. "Eeyup," he replied in his traditional tone.
The orange mare galloped to the smaller barn. More of an auxiliary storage shed, mostly Applebloom and her friends used it to work on various projects and once to build a parade float. Recently, the Apple family had been using it to keep tools or extra equipment they weren't using, so why would Dan be in there?
She opened the door to the barn. "Dan?"
"Where do you keep the dynamite?" his voice came back.
"Dynamite?" Stepping inside, Applejack saw Dan hunched over a workbench creating something with the tools on the rack above it.
"Explosives, blasting powder, things that go boom," Dan explained, back to her as she approached.
"Dan, we can't go blowin' that monstrosity up just cause we don't agree with it."
"I'm not going to blow up the robot," Dan explained. "The dynamite's for Fim and Flam."
"Dan," AJ sighed heavily. "Ya can't just try to blow them up because they tried to sell ya something!"
Dan stared blankly at Applejack. "Yes I can."
An crash from outside drew Applejack's attention. She quickly opened the bar door again to see the Flim Flam Gear swing a wrecking ball into the side of the house.
"Okay, we know what that definitely does!" Applebloom's voice said over the intercom.
"What in tarnation are they- HEY!" AJ yelled. The wrecking ball swung again, this time hitting the roof of the house. She ran over to the vase-shaped invention. "GRANNY! APPLEBLOOM!" she started kicking the machine. "Y'ALL GET OUTTA THERE RIGHT NOW!"
"Wait yer turn!" Granny's voice shouted back over the mechanical speaker. "We're renovating the house!"
"The house didn't need renovations!" AJ yelled. "AND THAT WAS MY ROOM!"
Across the yard, the door to the barn slammed open. Out stepped Dan holding Granny Smith's cane in both hands. Except the walking stick had been wrapped in steel from one of Applebloom's loopty-hoops and two horseshoes had been bolted to the end. The extension device now featured a compressed spring and when Dan hit the button on the bottom, it extended. This made the device both easy to use as a weapon and for hooking onto something in the distance, like a makeshift grappling hook only designed more for punishment.
Dan examined his new combo weapon. The pain crane would have to do the job. At least until he found a flashlight and some random jewelry.
"Dan, what's that? What did you just do to Granny's cane?"
"Upgraded it," Dan replied. He then began walking in the direction of the Everfree Forest, the way Flim and Flam had been heading.
The orange mare couldn't let him go through with this. "Just what is it you're planning on doing?"
Dan looked over his shoulder at her. "I'm going to super-smash those brothers!"
"Dan..." she sighed heavily again. She didn't know who it was harder getting through to; Dan or her family.
"I'm not letting them get away with this!" Dan shouted. "They haven't done anything yet... but they're up to something. I know it!"
"I know and I agree," the southern belle informed him. "Look, I don't know what those two are scheming this time but you can't just try to beat it out of 'em."
"So what do you expect me to do?!" Dan demanded.
Another crash reminded her of the commotion behind them. "Just try to find out what they're up to discreetly. Follow 'em, find out where they're making all these crazy gadgets and what they're planning on doing. Then we can find a way to stop it."
"And if we're wrong and they're just giving away free trials of giant robots for the hay of it?" Dan inquired.
"Then it's gonna be a long week," AJ replied. The sound of a portion of the house collapsing ended her sentence. "I'll try to help Big Mac make sure those two don't destroy everything while you're gone."
"I'd hope not!" Dan shouted as he headed out for the Everfree. "I'll need something to drop on Flim and Flam when I get back here!"
While the vastness of the Everfree Forest was treacherous and untamed, there were paths cut into the underbrush that were well-traveled and safer. Fortunately for Dan, the two salesponies he was tracking had taken one of the more frequented routes to wherever they were going next. Unfortunately for him, this did nothing to help the insects, which were swarming in the heat of the day.
Bugs, mosquitos and various pests were equally annoying on Earth as in Equestria. Dan smacked the back of his neck as the tell-tale signs of irritation plagued his pale skin. He scowled; now he was eager to accelerate his pursuit of vengeance in order to depart the forest before he was eaten alive.
An expert tracker, Dan was not but Flim and Flam were doing nothing to conceal their trail. The human was easily able to follow the pairs of hoofprints in the soft ground. He questioned whether or not they were Flim and Flam's hooves at first but then saw that each imprint had a small logo underneath: Property of Flim Flam Bros. LLC. The trademark was still fresh; Dan was getting closer. The air smelled of rip-off as he continued through the canopied woods.
Questions plagued Dan as he pursued the traders. What were they planning on doing with phony Magic Gears? Why were they selling them to everypony? And more complicated nagging questions like how were they even making them and where did they get the idea in the first place?
The path he was on lead to several clearings along its way; often-used camp sites for travelers and hikers. Dan followed the tracks through a couple clearings expecting to find them behind any one of them. But as he followed them, suddenly he noticed something different. As if they appeared from nowhere, Dan found himself mysteriously following three sets of tracks. Unlike the other set, the new tracks that followed alongside didn't have trademarks underneath them. What concerned Dan the most however, was that the new hoofprints were fewer.
Whatever made these tracks walked upright.
Dan continued following the path for several minutes, eventually getting closer to the brothers. He went through another clearing before noticing the hoofprints veered away from the trail and into the jungle. Or so it seemed. He followed the new tracks through the thicker foliage using his augmented cane to hack away low-hanging vines, ferns and branches.
Not far from the main path, he arrived at a place where the trees were tighter together, a cluster. Dan pushed his way through the trees to come face to face with a box.
Another box, identical to the crate Granny Smith pried open back at the farm only minutes ago. To either side of it were more crates, several of them. Dan squeezed his way in between two of them to get further into the clearing.
"...production. It doesn't matter where you go next, just make sure that each is delivered within the schedule," a voice said. It was one Dan didn't recognize so he had to guess it must've belonged to the mysterious third party.
"You are following the schematics to the design specified, aren't you?" the voice asked.
"Of course," Flam's voice responded. Dan sidestepped between the boxes and finally he was able to peer into the middle of the clearing.
More boxes lined the other side, their sides open and empty. A pair of round tents occupied the center along with hoofcarts and several workbenches. This must've been where the brothers were crafting their machines. Creeping to the edge of the box, Dan finally saw Flim, Flam and another stallion. The two brothers stood on all fours but this third stallion, a brown earth pony in a lab coat stood upright. His back was turned to the pair and some kind of shimmering blue aura surrounded him.
"We could amp up production however, if to say, perhaps, your company provided materials," the other brother suggested.
The third pony spun around. "Have I not TOLD you both ALREADY that MY organization CANNOT be involved?!"
The brothers recoiled a tad at the stallion's rage. "Um, you may have mentioned it."
"Ughhh," the stranger sighed. "Gentlecolts, this is not about FIST; this is about you, the Flim Flam Brothers!" He smiled, the blue aura around him shook slightly.
Dan's eyebrows rose as he watched the pony gesture at the other two with... hands. Some kind of gauntlets, a pair of metal gloves were attached to his brown hooves. He'd seen ponies stand up before, even shake hooves but metallic hands? What exactly did this mean?
"Well... we appreciate your support!" Flim replied.
"And we were wondering," Flam held his brother's shoulders, "if our partnership is successful, perhaps a position for the two of us within FIST?"
The lab coated- stallion scratched his chin with a metal hand. His eyes scanned not the area around them but Flim and Flam themselves. "I don't see why not. If you're successful at getting all of the Gears, and I do mean ALL of them, to the specified locations and installed, you can consider your own business a part of Future Integration Stable-Tec."
Flim and Flam beamed at the announcement. "Thank you, thank you! We assure you, you won't regret the decision, Mr. Vice Grip!"
"We'll be the best Overstallions you ever had!"
Vice chuckled. "Certainly, gentlecolts, certainly, now make sure that each of the Magic Gears is delivered to the areas I've specified. This is for the future of Equestria," he swept with a clenched glove. "A safer, more secure future for all of us."
"Absolutely!" the brothers happily agreed. "Flim and Flam are more than happy to be a part of Equestria's future."
Stepping back, Vice clasped his hands in front of him. "I'll contact you in a week when we're ready and assign you your Stable. I look forward to seeing you both in person."
The brothers bowed. "We look forward to seeing you too, sir." The image of Vice Grip flickered and faded. It had been a hologram of some sort.
Flam smiled. "Looking forward to seeing more of your bits, too." The twins laughed together and then turned around. Dan scrambled back through the boxes as the two approached the one he was next to. The crate glowed green and began to rotate, threatening to squash the human as he dashed past. Just as the container fully turned around, he edged through the narrow space, sidestepping through the other side.
"Good thing he didn't check on us now or he would've seen this," Flim remarked. The side of the box opposite Dan opened, the two brothers peering inside.
Dan grabbed his knees and panted, pressing his back against the other side of the box and trying to keep quiet; more to hear what was said than to not give away his position.
"I don't know, dear brother, perhaps our employer would've been thrilled by our modifications," Flam replied.
"Ehh, perhaps..." the other said. There was then a pause between them, like the two were silently considering the possibility.
"Or us," Dan heard Flim agree. "Besides, it's only natural to take the most efficient course of action anyway."
"Indeed," Flam said. "And I'm sure that Twilike Spockle's friends and Sweet Raffle Acres will enjoy our... adjustments, as well."
Did somepony say "raffle?"
Shut up, Michael.
"They'll be in for a big surprise!" The two chuckled again. "Can't wait to see the look on their faces!" After another moment, Dan heard the lid on the other side of the crate slide shut and the sound of hoofsteps walking away.
Dan exhaled again. He knew it! Flim and Flam were up to something, some kind of secret mechanism on those mechanical contraptions that they didn't tell Twilight and the others about! But what? And what kind of surprise were they in for?
Reaching into his pocket, Dan retrieved his cell phone. He had to warn Twilight and the others before Flim and Flam got back to them. He ran through his list of contacts: alphabetically, Chrys and Fluffle were at the top, he scrolled down to Twilight, just under Spike. His fingers couldn't press the touchscreen fast enough as he dialed her number. He held the phone to his ear and waited.
And waited. Aaaaaand waited.
The dial tone stopped. Dan looked at the phone's screen.
"Half a bar?! FAN-BUCKING-TASTIC! That just makes ALL the sense in the world and it's one-hundred percent non!" In a rage, Dan chucked the malfunctioning phone into the bushes. Really though, there was nothing wrong with the phone; areas high in magical density, like the Everfree Forest, often were plagued by poor signal reception. Except for holograms, which were a bit more sophisticated devices, not that Dan was aware or cared about that bit of trivia.
Rage dissipating, Dan's thoughts turned to alternatives. He could beat the brothers back to Twilight's but were they going there or somewhere else? No, the safest thing and probably the most satisfying thing would be instead of beating them to where they were going, just beating them. He unhooked the cane from behind his back and gripped the club menacingly.
Dan peered through the space between the boxes again. The two brothers were still departing the clearing, pulling a cart with another crate on it. As Dan stepped through the space, he noticed a label high on the crate:
FFG-mk 1 c. 725 Las Pegasus
Turning around, the other crate had a similar label:
FFG-mk 1b c. 898 Canterlantis
There had to be dozens of crates in the clearing and it seemed they were easy to manufacture. Which also probably meant they were cheap. Judging from the markings and the conversation earlier, Dan deduced that Flim and Flam were going to stick these things all over Equestria. But why?
"Canter-lantis?" Applebloom read the label. "Where d'ya suppose that is?"
"If I had to guess, probably the bottom of the- hey, Applebloom?!" Dan practically jumped when he finally noticed the filly standing next to him.
"Hiya, Dan!" she greeted him.
"What are you doing here?! How did you even get here?!" Dan demanded.
"I followed your footprints," she answered.
"No," Dan facepalmed, "I mean, how did you find this place? The trail ends back at the camp site," he explained.
"It does," the earth filly admitted, "but I actually knew about this place already."
Dan felt his jaw clench. "How?"
She pulled out a pamphlet from behind her. "It's in the brochure for the Flim Flam Gear they sold us."
The biped snatched the brochure. In fact, the area they were standing in was listed as one of three "convenient locations". Dan could've simply followed the enclosed map to reach them and avoid having to track the two salesponies entirely. The paper crumpled at the sides in his grip and he handed it back to the young mare.
The filly received it and then pulled out something else. "Also, I think this is your phone."
Dan closed his eyes, tension building. Even if she was trying to be helpful, Dan didn't enjoy being reminded of his frustration. Silently, he accepted his phone from her, thanked that it was undamaged despite his roughness, and pocketed it. "Thank you, Applebloom," he told her, a thin tone of calm holding back a tidal wave of rage. "You can go back to the farm now. I'm going to go ask Flim and Flam about their offer."
"What offer?" Applebloom asked innocently.
"Well," Dan explained, "if they don't offer to tell me everything they know right away, I'm going to offer them a choice of which crate they'd like to be stuffed into."
Applebloom frowned in discomfort. "That doesn't sound nice."
Dan knelt slightly and put a hand on Applebloom's mane. "Oh, believe me," he smiled a sinister grin. "It's an offer they can't refuse."
Her eyes looked back at him, concerned but supportive. "Well, you need any help?"
The human stood and thought about it for a moment. "You know, I think you can. Let me see that brochure again."
"Okay!" she hooved it back to him.
Dan unfolded the pamphlet and looked at the map. The trail they were on led to several different places. If Flim and Flam were heading back to Ponyville, it would be easy to intercept them at key points along the path. And with Applebloom's help, Dan thought of just how he was going to do that. "Let's go give the Flim Flam Brothers the deal of their lives."
"Ahh," Flim let out a relaxed sigh. "Nothing like an honest day's work, eh brother?"
"Nothing quite like it indeed," Flam agreed as the pair pulled the cart. "Precisely why we prefer the alternative!" Laughter ensued.
Dan approached the two from the side of the path. He took a moment to adjust his bowtie and fake moustache and then walked over to them from around the bend with package in hand. It was a small box wrapped in brown paper with the intended recipient's names on the top: The Flim Flam Brothers. Inside it, however, was a small explosive charge designed for removing tree stumps. Now, Dan was planning on using it to remove Flim and Flam.
"Got a package for Flim and Flam!" Dan announced to the two.
"Package?" the pair looked at each other. "I don't believe we ordered any package. Especially not to be delivered to us in the middle of the forest."
"Well, I have a package right here addressed to Flim and Flam," the disguised Dan said, handing them the brown box. "
Flam levitated it over to his brother and the two examined the parcel. "It does seem to be for us. But who's it from?"
"Umm," Dan didn't have an answer for that. His plan hadn't involved this small detail, a clear and critical oversight. "It's uh, it's to you! Obviously. It's got both your names right on it!"
"Yes," Flim agreed, "But what's the return address? Who's the package from?"
"I, uh..." Dan felt beads of sweat trickle down his neck as he tugged his collar.
"Ah," Flam tapped the top of the box. "It says Flim Flam Brothers right on it. That must be who it's from."
"Uh, well, I..." Dan continued to stammer, confused.
"Obviously, this package is for you," Flim said, hooving the box to Dan.
"But-but I didn't order a package," Dan protested.
"But you did receive it, didn't you?" Flam asked.
"Well, yes..." Dan admitted.
"And it's got our names on it. So clearly, this is a package from the Flim Flam Bros. to you!"
"Oh... all right. That makes sense... I guess," Dan took the package, now himself, skeptical.
Flim held out his hoof. "That'll be twenty-five bits, sir."
"What?! Oh fine, lousy shipping fees..." he reached into his pocket and gave the salespony a pair of bills. "Cash on deliver. More like 'scam on delivery'."
"Thank you very much, sir," Flim said, pocketing the money.
"We appreciate you choosing Flim Flam Telegrams!" The two brothers walked past him, pulling the cart.
Confused, Dan examined the package he momentarily forgot was intended for Flim and Flam.
"Uh... Dan?" Applebloom asked from behind a bush.
"Not now, Applebloom, I want to see what Flim and Flam sent me. It's probably important," Dan began removing the box's wrapping. "It could give us some kind of idea what they're up to. A clue, or another scam, or a-"
"Dan, wait!" she tried to stop him. But it was too late.
Dan ripped off the top of the wrapping paper. "Got it!" he announced.
Applebloom wasn't sure whether the realization or the force of the explosion hit Dan first. It might've been both simultaneously. The small box erupted into flames and small bits of packing paper.
"Dan? Are you all right?" Applebloom asked. When the smoke cleared, Dan's face and arms were completely blackened, his hair was blasted out at random angles, his shirt was torn and burnt and trails of smoke rose from him. His fake moustache, singed and burned at both ends, slowly detached from under his nose and floated to the ground like an ember.
At first, Dan's expression was still one of pure shock. Then, as the disbelief faded, the fact that he'd been duped began to boil in his mind. His skin immediately turned red, hotter and redder than the explosion that had only moments ago engulfed him. The ash faded from his face and arms, his hair returned to its traditional style, the fingers still clutching the pieces of the boxes released them only briefly to better form fists before he threw both arms skyward and shouted to the heavens:
"FLIM FLAM BROTHERS!!!!"
A challenging call that challenged even the noise from the explosion he'd subjected himself to, the time for retaliation had come.
"Dan, shhh!!" the young filly shushed him. "You want 'em to hear us?"
"What I want," Dan turned to his accomplice, "is to hear both of them scream for their lives! How was it they even DID THAT?"
Applebloom rubbed the back of her neck. "Well, you did open the box. I guess you could say that plan kinda blew up in your face," she giggled.
"Gnrrrrrrrrrrr," Dan growled, unamused. "All right, so we know they screen their mail. Now, we go to plan B."
"What's 'plan b'?" Applebloom asked, curious. She had no reason to be nervous; after all, it was Dan who'd gotten exploded.
The diabolical biped grinned a sinister smile. "Plan B- as in, 'bait'".
And that made Applebloom swallow.
Transitioning to the next scene, partially because we're over budget and partially because this is a cartoon, Flim and Flam continued their trek to Ponyville. If they had been aware that it was Dan that had tried to sabotage them only minutes ago, they wouldn't have cared. His ploy had been so obvious and so simple to reverse that they had practically completely forgotten about the event, merrily pulling the cart with carefree smiles.
Dan watched the two approach 'Plan B' through a pair of binoculars he just conveniently happened to have with him. Applebloom watched along with him as the pair entered another clearing, one frequently used as a camp site. The pair still pulled the box on the cart behind them, occasionally the large crate grazed the taller branches of some trees. Dan gritted his teeth; they would find out what they were up to soon enough.
Flim and Flam noticed the crate the moment they entered the camp site. What was strange about the box was that it was positioned at an odd angle, propped on its side by a stick holding it up. If this was somepony's idea of shelter, clearly they were either lacking in experience, materials or both.
Ah! But what was that underneath the box? The two brothers spied a small pile of brownish coins just beneath the crate. A tempting prize for anypony but for Flim and Flam? Clearly, this was an opportunity too good to pass up. Just as it was clear to both of the brothers as they grinned at each other that this was another trap.
"Brother, do those appear to be bits under that crate?" Flim asked as the two came closer.
"Why, I do believe they are, brother," Flam answered, sounding only too casual.
Flim and Flam unhitched themselves from their cart and walked over to the other oddly-placed box. "What fortune has smiled upon us for we to find these bits just lying here? Out in the open? With no indication of obvious trickery in sight?"
From the bushes nearby, Dan's smile grew wider. They were buying it! This was it...
"It's a sure sign of our good karma, brother," Flam declared. "A reward for all our deeds."
"That it is," Flim agreed, and the two walked underneath the wooden canopy, taking care not to jar the stick holding it on its side.
As soon as Flam knelt to pick up the small coins, Applebloom's allowance, the human yanked the string attached to the box. The string jerked the stick and the corner of the box closed over the two unicorns, covering them.
"Ah HA!" Dan shouted. He leapt from the bushes and dashed over to his victims. In a single jump, he pounced on top of the box, using his own weight so they wouldn't be able to lift it. "HA! Ha ha ha ha ha HA!" he cackled a series of taunting, in-your-face laughs. "You're both mine now! And you're not going anywhere until you tell me why you're-"*WOMP*.
Applebloom poked her head out from the hedge, puzzled. She didn't know where it came from, but somehow, another, larger box had fallen on top of Dan, trapping him underneath it. The crate began shaking as an enraged Dan tried to remove the new crate.
And that's when Flim and Flam appeared from the side. "We appreciate your kind donation, sir," Flam said, kicking the box with a hoof.
"And for taking an interest in our shipping crates, we thought you'd like to take a closer look at the larger size one!" Flim said. A muffled scream echoed from the wooden container as Dan discovered he'd been tricked again. The two brothers laughed, flipped bits in their hooves and walked away along with their cart. "Good thing we brought a spare box, eh brother?"
"Couldn't agree more, myself!" the pair laughed as they walked away.
Leveraging her back underneath the side of the box, the two pushed it off of the hapless hominid. "All right, then," Dan said, standing atop his own crate, "we know they're resourceful now."
"And?" Applebloom protested, "That doesn't tell us anything useful. This is the second time they've switched things around on you..." she said, concern in her tone.
"It's all an important learning experience," Dan assured her. "We've tried to trick them by giving them something in order to gain the advantage but what we NEED to do is make them come to us!"
Applebloom raised an eyebrow. "Which means what?"
"Which means Plan C," Dan replied, determined. The filly let out an exhausted moan and followed her compatriot back to the drawing board.
Travelers of the Everfree Forest knew to expect anything when walking through the dense woods. Dangers lurked in the underbrush from poisonous plants and animals to predatory beasts and even crap leftover from the previous generations of MLP that Hasbro couldn't find room for but couldn't get rid of. Also a bunch of Space Pirates and creatures from Metroid, including Metroids. Hell, they needed somewhere to go after Other M.
But what Flim and Flam didn't expect to see was actually in the path in front of them: a tunnel. Carved into a rock face that mysteriously materialized ahead of them, it wasn't on the map they'd been following but now appeared to be the only way to continue on their path. A yellow sign out front had the word DETOUR painted on it in black letters.
The two brothers eyed each other skeptically before pulling their cart inside.
The 'mountainside tunnel' had in fact been created by Dan roughly thirty minutes after his last trap's spectacular failure. One of his more ingenious innovations, what appeared to be a corridor through the side of a rock wall was a paper mache mockup, painted gray and layered on top of a wooden frame. The tunnel itself was just a long tube made from a portion of the set leftover from Episode 4. Where it led, however, was another thing entirely.
Inside the tunnel, the tube ran right over a large hole in the ground, at the bottom of which was about five tub's worth of Jelly Stallion's jelly. Dan had originally wanted to use spikes for the trap but Apple Bloom had wisely encouraged him to go with a less-violent substitute. Jelly Stallion himself was happy to donate the jelly; he had lost a great deal of interest in the substance since discovering fruit-somewhere-in-it yogurt.
The devious human cupped his hand over his ear, listening for his targets at the other end of the darkened tunnel. His filly accomplice listened with him, both eager to hear the telltale sound of salesponies falling into a pit of jam.
Hoofsteps echoed down the corridor. "I can hear them coming!" Dan said. The clip clop sounds grew louder as Flim and Flam approached.
"Uh, Dan?" the filly asked.
"What is it?" Dan said quickly.
"Shouldn't we have heard them, I don't know, fall by now?"
"Quiet!" Dan shushed her, listening again. "Those two are almost here!"
The hoofsteps grew louder, louder still. Dan waited eagerly, the anticipation almost reaching threshold inside of him.
"Afternoon, Dan! Afternoon, Apple Bloom!" the brothers said simultaneously as they exited the tunnel.
"Hey guys, how's it going," Dan quickly replied, not paying attention as both of them walked right by him.
Apple Bloom watched as the stallions passed them, pulling the cart still behind them. She then turned to Dan, still waiting for their clearly-failed trap to be sprung. "Dan?" she turned back to her friend.
"QUIET!" he yelled. Dan continued to listen.
She tapped him on the leg. "Dan?"
He spun around and yelled at her. "WHAT?!"
Unphased, Apple Bloom pointed to the departing brothers. The salesponies chuckled as they continued on the trail, pulling the cart behind them.
Dan's eyelid twitched, his skin seeming to shake. His hands raised up in front of him, outstretched as if to strangle the scammers from a distance. "How... HOW DID THEY DO THAT?" he demanded.
Apple Bloom shrugged. "Maybe they walked around it."
"THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" Dan screamed. "THERE'S NO WAY THEY COULD'VE GOTTEN PAST THE PIT!" He turned around and charged into the tunnel.
"Dan!" the filly reached out to stop him, again, too late. "I don't think that's such a good-"
"EAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" a scream echoed from the tunnel. The trap had finally been sprung.
Carefully, Apple Bloom entered the corridor herself to help Dan. Only light from either end illuminated the inside, ensuring that whoever entered wouldn't notice the missing floor in the center. Including Dan. And as the young filly approached, it was obvious how Flim and Flam had evaded it. She peered over the hole into the jelly pit below. "Are you all right, Dan?"
"Glrrblrallrbrlllrrlrlrlrlrlrb..." Angry bubbles broke the surface of the substance conveying Dan's rage from beneath the fruity pool. He lay face down in the jam, body unwilling to accept being foiled a third time.
Apple Bloom examined the tube. On the sides of the trap she saw the logos of each of their horseshoes. From inside of the tunnel, the two brothers had simply walked around the hole. On the walls themselves. The cart's wheels had been wide enough dodge the gap all together. "Looks like they noticed the pit, Dan."
Dan picked his head up. "Yeah, me too."
"So what do we-"
"Plan D. Cut to the next scene, please."
"Sure seems like we've been walking through this forest for quite some time, doesn't it?" Flim asked.
"I must agree, brother," Flam said. "Seems like we should've been out of the Everfree Forest some time ago."
"Maybe we got lost?" Flim suggested.
"Or maybe the writer's just trying to pad out the episode." The two brothers took a moment to turn to the camera and frown at the author before continuing onward. No tunnels or detours currently ahead of them, they proceeded along the wide path through the woods. The trail remained unbroken for a good distance, the cart containing the Flim Flam Gear still rolling behind them.
"Haven't noticed any 'inconveniences' in quite a while, brother," Flam said, looking around.
"Indeed, our travels appear to have gotten smoother," Flim said. Unbeknownst to both of them, however, they were being watched. Through several multi-phased filters, including biometric, infrared and thermal.
Perched from a tree branch perpendicular to the path were Dan and Apple Bloom. For no reason other than to make yet another obscure movie reference, the pair were wearing those masks from Predator which, to be honest, looked pretty cool on Dan and even Apple Bloom looked cute in hers. We even got that sound effect they use for when they're watching and they're invisible. It's pretty cool.
"They're getting closer," Dan said, watching the sales stallions.
"What?" Apple Bloom asked.
"I said; THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER!"
The filly removed her mask. "Dan, are these things really helping?"
Dan took off his own piece of vintage movie merchandise. "I guess not." They both discarded the masks. Dan then picked up a monocular and peered through it. "They're almost in position, get ready."
Flim and Flam continued walking along the trail until they spied something glinting in the middle of it.
"Why, look brother! A coin!" Flim announced.
"Ah, good fortune strikes us again!" Flam said. The two approached the coin lying right in front of them.
"NOW!" Dan shouted.
The brothers got close to the coin.
"Wait!" Flim held his hoof to stop his brother. "That coin's lying face down." Just as the first salespony stopped the other, an enormous boulder attached to a rope swung right by where they would have stood if they'd knelt to pick it up.
"You're correct, brother," Flam agreed. "Would be a shame to spoil our good luck by trying to pick up a coin lying face down." Their attention diverted to each other in conversation, neither of them noticed as the boulder swung back in front of them.
Dan grumbled in the tree. "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" he yelled. "What is it gonna take for me to crush those two?"
"Uh, Dan?"
"AM I GONNA SMASH ANYTHING TODAY?!"
"You might wanna move..." Apple Bloom said, jumping down from the tree as she did.
"WHY?!" Dan had time to ask that question and then turn around before the boulder, attached from a higher branch, swung like a pendulum back to the point it had been released from and into his face. He found himself crushed to the side of the stone, limbs spread out as it swung back across the path again. Gravity taking hold, he fell off the side and landed in the middle of the trail.
Flim and Flam had already departed, oblivious to Dan's trap. The smashed human had the chance to pick up his head and watch them leave before he noticed the coin he'd left as bait lying in front of him. Reaching a hand out, he picked it up, held it in front of him and smiled.
And that's when the boulder detached and smashed him into the ground. It sounded a lot like a Thwomp when it hit him.
Apple Bloom, using leverage, removed the boulder from Dan's back. "You all right, Dan?" she asked innocently.
Dan's face rose off the ground, coin imprinted in his forehead. "It must just be my luck."
"You know Dan," Apple Bloom started to suggest, "I think we might wanna just try talking to them and askin' them what they're up to."
"That. Will. Never. Work," the biped said flatly.
The filly shrugged. "We could at least try it."
Dan scrambled to his feet. "Not just yet. I have one more plan I want to try first."
Apple Bloom groaned. "What is it this time?"
"Something that can't POSSIBLY fail!"
11 minutes later...
Apple Bloom stood over the hole, looking at Dan face down in goo again. "How did you get stuck in jelly again?"
Covered in jelly, Dan lifted his head up. "I... don't.... know..."
Until last week, Lightning Claw hadn't known what a 'stable' was, not in the sense of the one he was in now. Given the nature of the organization he was a part of, he understood the need for such secrecy but he still found himself curious. He didn't know much about F.I.S.T- Future Integrations Stable-Tec or the ponies in charge, for that matter but he did know that despite their nature, they were deeply invested in Equestria's future. And it was a future Lightning Claw meant to be a part of.
Other ponies, other creatures for that matter, none of them seemed to care about the future of their world. When two sisters literally controlled day and night, it was hard not to take things day by day. But too many did so at the expense of the future, getting stuck in their ways to the point they didn't seem to care about tomorrow, in Lighting Claw's opinion, anyway. The indigo-and-pink Pegasus had tried to do just that; improve things for the future. Because of this, his life had been ruined.
Lightning Claw had attempted to solve the 'rogue storm problem' that plagued Cloudsdale's weather service for so long. Pegasi controlled the weather but occasionally, a storm got loose and it could wreak havoc when it happened. Rogue storms caused property damage and could even become larger, more dangerous disasters to Equestria. When a storm did go rogue, pegasi had to hunt it down and wrangle it, requiring more pegasi to do so the larger the storm. If they could only use magic, a single Pegasus could stop a rogue storm before it got out of hoof. Lightning Claw had tried to make himself that Pegasus and failed miserably.
Alicorns had both wings and magic, some of the most powerful ponies in Equestria. Surely if any pony could stop a rogue storm, it would be a pony that could use magic and fly. Lightning Claw had attempted to give himself that power, make himself an alicorn. In that regard, he had succeeded. It had only cost him a good portion of his sanity.
Working in one of Cloudsdale's weather experimentation laboratories, Lightning Claw combined zebra potions with rainbow-making technology to allow him to harness the natural and supernatural. The resulting concoction gifted him with a horn and the ability to control and even produce weather effects, storms and clouds of all kinds. Unfortunately, his newfound abilities quickly became something he couldn't control and he unintentionally created a rogue storm that devastated half of Cloudsdale before it was stopped. By the Wonderbolts, of all ponies.
Even know, thinking about the Wonderbolts made Lightning Claw angry. Those showoffs had stopped his storm right when he was about to get it under control. Their intervention caused the storm to backfire and blast him, nearly electrocuting him in the process. He fell like a stone to the surface of Equestria, unconscious. When he woke up, he found himself with two broken wings, three broken legs and one broken horn. The hospital had been able to fix five of those things.
Upon returning to Cloudsdale, Lightning Claw found himself banned from the weather service. For trying to help, to do the right thing, he had been fired. To make matters worse, the broken-off horn that adorned his head gave him an off-putting appearance. He had been unable to find more work and soon after, his marefriend Lightning Dust had broken up with him. She claimed that she herself had just learned a lesson about the "reckless endangerment of others" but Lightning Claw didn't see how what happened at the Wonderbolt Academy related to his disaster at the Weather Labs. He had been trying to help other ponies but nopony, not even his marefriend, seemed to understand that.
But Vice Grip did, or so he claimed.
"I could fix that horn, if you wanted," Vice Grip offered as the two walked side-by-side through Stable 5.
Lightning Claw didn't want the horn fixed; it was a reminder to him, a reminder of the price of failure. He said nothing back.
Vice continued. "I could repair it, replace it, or remove it all together if you-"
"No," Claw refused.
"Fine, fine," Vice responded, calm as ever. "You still taking the medication?"
Claw paused before answering. "Yes."
"Good, good. Keep taking it and it should keep the pain from coming back." Vice Grip led him to a door marked Overstallion's Office at the end of the hallway. Next to it was another door with the word DIRECTOR on it. From the appearance of both doors, they looked as though they were new.
Using the gauntlets over his hooves, Vice keyed in a sequence at the terminal beside the door. It shuddered but didn't open. He keyed the sequence again, tapping faster and the door didn't budge an inch. Frustrated, the bipedal stallion reached out to pry the sliding entrance open when Lightning Claw beat him to it.
Lightning Claw's horn glowed a sickly violet and blue, the door resounded with the same color. It shook and then raised, sliding into the slot in the wall above it.
"Impressive," Vice said. "Most impressive."
The indigo stallion released the door, strained by the exertion. Despite his broken horn, he still retained a small amount of magic. Enough to perform menial tasks but nothing major. For some reason though, Vice was still interested in it. "I... thought you hated magic."
"Haha," Vice chuckled. "Hate magic? Whatever gave you that idea?" he asked as the two entered his office.
"You hate alicorns, unicorns," Claw reminded him. He knew he did; their entire operation, what they were planning, the point of the Magic Gears! All of this to wipe everything with a horn off the face of Equestria, how could he NOT hate them?!
"Ah, the arcanists. Those are magic-users, not magic itself," Vice pointed out, taking a seat behind his desk. Lightning took the chair in front though he wasn't as accustomed to bipedalism as Vice Grip was. The Overstallion's Office looked more like a principle's office, something you'd see in a school rather than in a bunker. There was a green chalkboard on the wall behind Vice full of figures and numbers, things that seemed to be in a language of their own. On Vice's desk were several papers, an electronic intercom system and a small globe. But the world the globe displayed didn't appear to be Equestria.
Also, for some reason, there was a Galaga arcade machine in the right-hoof corner of the room. Curiously, it looked as though it had recently been played as it was on before Vice and Lightning entered the room.
Supposedly, Stable 5 was one of a network of a hundred such shelters built throughout Equestria. They were each equipped with everything two-thousand ponies would need to ride out Armageddon. Not that Vice or Lightning were planning on an apocalypse, not exactly. Just something new, something better. A leveling of the playing field.
"But you do hate them, don't you?" Lightning pressed.
The brown stallion ran his metal fingers over the desk in a rapping motion. Despite the fact the limbs were artificial and he didn't really feel anything, Vice often demonstrated casual displays of dexterity or made gestures. More advanced, he called it, but most others found it unnecessary and flamboyant. "Hate is a strong word. What we're doing, we're doing to level the playing field, so to speak."
"That part I understand," Claw said. He himself did hate magic, mostly. He hated any pony that could make a difference just sit on their haunches and do nothing. If Celestia, Luna and even Cadence had this much power, why did they let disasters like renegade weather happen? Why was it the pegasi's responsibility to contain storms? Cloudsdale needed an alicorn prince... or at least, that's what he had thought. Now, he was convinced what the whole world needed was a fresh start, the second chance he never got.
"Magic is necessary," Vice kicked his boots up on the desk. "How it's harnessed though, I think we both agree, can be done better. That's what we're trying to do, what F.I.S.T is trying to do. Make the world a better place."
"And I'm going to be a part of that?" Lightning asked.
Vice smiled for a second, holding a somewhat sly grin on him. "Of course. Once the Gears take care of the arcanists, Cloudsdale will be yours to control. The skies will be yours," he assured him as he had before.
The thought of controlling the skies, finally reigning in the weather, that was his goal. He looked away as if he could see it, his own Cloudsdale. Things the way they should be. "How long until we're ready?"
The lab coated stallion casually looked at the wrist of his gauntlet as if checking a watch. "The selected groups should be receiving their letters already with the specified arrival times enclosed. We have to space things out so ponies don't get suspicious but it won't be long before the... festivities get started. As soon as our delivery boys have finished up, we can start phase two."
Lightning Claw nodded. Everything they'd been planning for was slowly coming together piece by piece. He just had to keep playing his role. But his wasn't the only role. "Are you sure you can trust Flim and Flam?"
Vice grinned again. "Greed is easily manipulated, as are fear and other emotions." Claw didn't notice as he cast a quick glance in his direction. "But I didn't call you here to discuss Equestria, more rather, our guests from Earth."
"Is this about Dan? Or the other one?"
Vice leaned forward and clasped his hands. "Cross-Eye's doing his best to deal with Wright but I'm not that worried about the lawyer at this point. I want you to go retrieve Dan."
Lightning rose an eyebrow. What did he mean by retrieve? "I thought the Director instructed that Dan wasn't to be bothered."
Vice waved away the suggestion. "He's bothering us, Lightning. We've lost Shifty and the Mk-1 prototype, in the same night for that matter. I don't enjoy upsetting the director but the fact is, Dan's becoming a nuisance. According to our surveillance," he switched on a monitor attached to the wall. An overhead image appeared of Dan standing at the end of a tunnel, listening for something alongside another pony. Two stallions, Flim and Flam exited pulling a cart behind them, one of the mass produced Magic Gears.
"Ah, he's in the Everfree Forest," Vice remarked.
"He's interfering with Flim and Flam?"
"So you know what the stakes are," Vice swung around. "He's already jeopardized our operation once and now he's disrupting the distribution system. We need to take him out of the equation."
Something didn't sit right with Lightning Claw about his request. There was a lot that didn't sit right with him, so much about this plan. But there was no other way, something told him that. A heavy pain formed just behind his forehead and focused on his horn. Unfortunately, it was louder than the voice screaming it was wrong. "Do you..." Claw fought to find words, fought through the pain. "Do you really think-"
Vice leaned forward, his eyes narrowed. "Go on..." he said in a slightly stern tone.
"Do you really think this is the right thing to do?" Claw swallowed. Slowly, the pain abated. He almost forgot that he'd asked a question in the first place, it seemed to be a moment that happened hours ago.
Vice was quiet for a moment, contemplating. He rapped his digits against each other as he seemed to weigh several options, consider several possibilities at once. "What exactly do you mean?"
"Well, trying to... capture Dan. I mean, couldn't we just distract him somehow?"
The lab coated stallion leaned back. "Are you concerned for your own well-being?"
"Yes," Lightning quickly nodded. "I mean, he took out a Gear. By himself, essentially. What chance do I have of beating him in a fight?"
Vice chuckled. "The Mk. 1 was a prototype and Luna's modifications didn't help its chances. Also, keep in mind that it had been programmed to takedown alicorns, not Dan. In that regard, the Mk. 1 did come close to finishing off Celestia even without most of its defensive weapons."
"He still managed to stop it..." Claw argued.
"You helped me design Magic Gear. It's your own little experiment that first gave me the idea to harness magic using zebra potion."
Lightning looked away. "I know..."
"Do you want me to send you with backup? I can have Ice Pick or Fire Talon ready to assist," Vice reached for the intercom.
"No, I," Claw rose and stopped Vice from calling his 'brothers'. "I'll... I'll take care of it. Alone."
"All right," Vice slowly released the controls. "Once we have our special guest here, we'll see how he stands up to the production model." Things were tense; they were both worked up by what they were trying to accomplish and there was no room for error. It didn't mean one or two didn't crop up now and then.
Claw walked over to the bank of monitors on the left wall. As he watched the display, Dan seemed to run back into the tunnel for some reason. He could barely make out the smaller pony rubbing her face with her hoof before following him. "What do you want me to do about the girl?"
"Bring her in, too," Vice said without hesitation. "I'm still trying to keep Flim and Flam in the dark for... obvious reasons but they're still useful. For now. Deliver all four of them back here."
Lightning turned back to him. "I understand. But... sir," he got up, looked down. "Do you hate all magic-users?"
The gauntleted stallion walked over and put a metal hand on his back. "Lightning... you're not like the other arcanists. You did what you had to do, for the betterment of all. I'm trying to make sure ALL of us can harness magic through practical means. You're helping me with that goal, helping all of us."
Lightning nodded again, solemnly before walking out of the office. What they were doing, they were doing for the good of all Equestria. A new beginning for all of them, a second chance for him. They were doing everything right, couldn't make any mistakes, weren't making any mistakes. Were they?
Vice returned to his chair behind his desk. "And be sure to keep taking your medication."
"Of course," Claw said over his shoulder. "Of course..." Before returning to the elevator and leaving Stable 5, he cast a glance at the door marked DIRECTOR one last time. More than one pair of eyes was on him and he knew that. He had spoken to the director, well, had been in the director's company only once before. He was anything if as talkative as Vice.
But just as the door to the Overstallion's office shuddered and closed shut, the door to the Director's office opened. Lightning gasped, surprised to see some... thing else standing in the doorway.
"Hello," the director said in a pleasant voice. But Lightning suddenly found himself unable to say anything. Before he knew what was happening, he was in the Director's office but there was nowhere for him to sit this time. The door slid shut behind him.
"Okay, first we tie them down, then we-"
"No."
"All right, we beat them first, then we tie them down and then-"
"No."
"Well, what then," Dan said to Apple Bloom. "Do you want to beat them first and then tie them down or tie them down, THEN beat them, then interrogate them, then beat them again. Or we could beat them-"
The smaller pony glared at him. "Dan..."
"Hear me out," the human protested. "First we pretend we're asking them a question, then we break their legs, tie them down-"
"Dan," Apple Bloom said with a heavy sigh, "we ain't tying down Flim and Flam."
"But we still get to beat them, right?" Dan brandished his improvised weapon.
The young filly grabbed her head in frustration. "Look, maybe I should go talk to them? Alone?"
"Without me?" Dan asked. They'd almost caught up to the brothers, only a clearing away from them as they neared the end of the trail. "What makes you think you can get them to tell you anything?"
Apple Bloom batted her eyelashes at Dan, blinking a pair of enormous puppy dog eyes. "Om adorable~!"
Dan remained unphased by the display of cuteness. "AND WHAT AM I?!"
She paused. Dan's expression was somewhere between scowl and frown. Scrowln, for lack of a better word. He exuded hateful anger in vibes but it was the kind you sympathized with. That made it almost disarming for ponies so long as they weren't the ones it was being directed at. His visage was nothing short of modern barbarism, borderline berserk, vintage vengeance and that classic carnage-craving crazy that we all know and love. In short, he looked mad. In more ways than one. "Do I have to answer that?"
"Grrrr," Dan growled in frustration. "I'll tell ya what I am!" he reached into his pocket and pulled out a badge. It was a small emblem, a blue star flanked by three things: a quill, an olive branch and a wing. The traditional symbol for the royal guards was just a blue star- this badge was a modified one, more modern. In the center were the words Special Tactics and Logistics Legion. "I'm a royal guard captain! You think Flim and Flam won't pay attention to this?"
The young pony frowned at the badge. "I thought y'all were only Twilight's personal guard?"
"Well," Dan dropped his arm. "That doesn't mean-"
"And don't you have to have her permission to exercise your authority?"
"That-that depends, I mean, I-"
Apple Bloom pressed her face right up to his. "And isn't your jurisdiction really Canterlot? I thought y'all were only supposed to take care of her individual safety and this doesn't really seem like a security risk unless you're supposed to guard against poor judgment which really doesn't-"
"FINE!" Dan gave up. Instantly, the position of Royal Guard Captain felt like Mall Cop. Or more precisely, Library Cop. Once they got the library fixed, anyway. Still, it wasn't a position he was just going to throw away so he pocketed the badge once again. At the very least, his service to Equestria was recognized and he was going to keep it that way. This was for Twilight, for Fluffle Puff and especially for Chrys. Why he added especially to the last part, he didn't know. They were his friends and he would protect them... somehow.
"I think this situation just calls for a gentler touch," Apple Bloom said, respectfully.
Dan folded his arms in frustration. "Whatever. Go deal with those scam artists if you buy something that destroys your farm, don't come crying to me."
"Okay, Dan," the filly said. "You got a good heart. You just need to work on your... social skills."
The young man 'hmmph'd' and shrugged at the pony. "Social skills, right."
"I'm gonna go see if they'll tell me what they're up to. I'll be back as soon as I can!" the filly scampered down the trail after the two stallions.
"Yeah, I'll be right here when it blows up in your face!" Dan called after her. He sat himself down on a nearby log in the clearing, arms still folded. The sun was still high in the sky, getting close to noon. High noon, appropriately enough for what would happen next. Not knowing what else to do, Dan surveyed his surroundings.
The occasional sounds of fauna provided background noise. The forest was alive with activity. So close to Ponyville, most animals that went near the clearings were herbivores, non-violent and non-magical. Once in a while, a bear or some beast would come by the frequented paths making even this camp site dangerous once in a while. But none of these dangers bothered Dan though he had thought of trying to cover Flim and Flam in honey to lure a bear to maul them.
Birds flew overhead. Once in a while, Dan could faintly hear a droning buzz that seemed to be nearby. He swatted his neck almost instinctively.
It actually wasn't far from the spot Dan had literally landed in Equestria on. It didn't seem so long ago; only a year had gone by since Dan had found himself a stranger in a strange land. He had to admit it was better than the alternative. Falling out of a plane, he would've died if he hadn't been transported somehow to Equestria and been caught by Rainbow Dash. Had he ever thanked her for that? Maybe after he was done with Flim and Flam, he'd have to do that.
In fact, Dan had been trying to pay the ponies, all the ponies back since Twilight had let him stay at her library. For Dan, a debt or a favor was just as important as pursuing justice. Getting even, being fair, equality, peace, harmony. Those things mattered to him a lot.
The main difference between ponies in Equestria and humans on Earth was the way their societies worked. Humanity was too often driven to advance through competition whereas ponies achieved more primarily through cooperation. It was a desire to help each other rather than help themselves that propelled them forward and while the difference was subtle and not the subject of every circumstance, it occurred often enough on both worlds over generations to create profound differences that changed the way both developed.
Despite Equestria's somewhat rural appearance, it was almost every bit as technologically advanced as Earth was. But the spread of these advances weren't carried by greed or jealousy; there was just an absence of desire to implement them unless they were needed regardless of whether they made things easier or not. The concept of having something just because another pony had one was foreign in many cases. Everypony is unique and is born that way. Why would they need the same stuff?
This attitude had stopped the spread of cell phones though they were available. Songs still spread fast though each was danced to a different way, even played a different way. Culture still transmitted, knowledge was still shared but traditions were still upheld as were the ways they were carried out. Because of these simple facts, this desire to work together, changes happened at a slower pace on a society level but more rapidly on an individual level. Humans, on the other side, rarely changed on an individual level yet their society jumped in leaps and bounds.
The desire for cooperation, for mutual gain caused ponies to grow with society. Inversely, humanity's desire to help themselves more caused society to grow with them; only when one rose above to create something more, to imagine bigger did it have a major impact. Too often, people just gave up. Ponies didn't and some humans didn't either. Some humans like Dan.
Unfortunately, Equestria's attitude towards cooperation also meant the sharing of problems. Small, individual difficulties often affected the entire community, further slowed things down. Not only that, emphasis on so much uniqueness instead of a distribution of advances like on Earth created an entire society reliant on each individual member. In the event of crisis, ponies went to the one pony that could solve their problems and if they were unable to help, panic ensued. Most humans had cell phones, knew who to call in an emergency. This was what Dan was trying to teach the ponies; to use their own unique gifts even if they weren't the most gifted.
Equestria's focus on cooperation had created what Earth was lacking: common sense. Unfortunately, it came with the price of a herd mentality that Dan was fighting to break them out of. Even if he had to demonstrate it himself.
Little did he know, there was another pony trying to do something similar, somepony just as frustrated with things in Equestria as Dan. In fact, more so.
Vice Grip smacked the side of the monitor with his gauntlet, trying to 'manually' get a better picture. The Spritebots were only in their prototype phase and still had some kinks to work out. They weren't even ready to start relaying patriotic music yet, let alone be modified to carry lasers. Not only that, they weren't stealthy so Vice was doing his best to keep it out of Dan's sight until he was ready. Still, he wanted to see how well Lightning Claw took care of things even if he couldn't hear it.
"Having trouble?" a voice asked.
"Gah!" Vice gasped. He turned to see the cloaked figure of the Director standing in the doorway. "I... sorry, I was just having a little reception trouble."
"Okay," the figure said in a casual tone. Since having met the being calling itself the 'Director' years ago, they had never shown their face. They always appeared the same way, wearing that same black cloak pulled down just enough so their face was obscured... if they even had a face. He watched as the figure walked or rather seemed to glide over the floor to him. "Mind if I join you?"
"N-not at all," Vice said, trying to hide his unease. The figure, originally appearing to be on all fours pulled back, the sleeves came together at the ends in a monk-like stance and it stood, the skirt of the cloak falling to the floor. It leaned forward next to him to look at the monitor.
Vice Grip had to admit that without the Director's help, his plans wouldn't have stood a chance. Fighting alicorns was one thing but possibly starting a war with another planet, that was something he wasn't prepared for. Not yet and without the Director's help, he wouldn't be.
The Director seemed to know a lot about Earth, even had several books on the subject. But when the creature had appeared to him shortly after the day of that trial, the Director claimed that both the arcanists and the humans had to be taken care of simultaneously. And that meant careful planning.
With an army of Metal Dogs, the same clan of ore hounds that had taken him in all those years ago, Vice had built much. The Director's resources seemed to be unlimited; whenever there was a problem, it seemed they had a solution. But the solutions didn't seem to be coming from Equestria so Vice naturally assumed that the Director had to be from Earth. Two individuals scorned by their homes, united by a common purpose to exact revenge on both. They were allies... more or less.
Most of the time, the Director remained at the deepest part of the mines nearby at the Prosperity Mountains. Stable 5 had been built under the railway station at the foot of the mountains, access to the mining facility was only a few steps away. The mines themselves hadn't provided ore in years; they were now the massive factories and complexes of Vice Grip's organization, F.I.S.T. Deep within the mountain, weapons and armor were created, researched and tested alongside Operation: KING ME- the production of Magic Gear.
Originally, Vice Grip had intended to use Magic Gear to just attack and conquer Equestria but now, on the Director's advice, he switched strategies. With Flim and Flam, they were distributing the Gears to every major population center in the world. Soon, when the time was right, they would initiate phase 2 of their plan. And Vice Grip would be king. Supposedly.
The mysterious puppeteer scanned the console. "You're keeping tabs on Dan?" the Director asked.
"I am, yes," Vice admitted. "I just sent Lightning Claw after him and the others."
The hooded figure suddenly turned to him. "I thought I told you not to interfere with the humans."
The move was so sudden, Vice took a step back. The room felt as if it just dropped fifteen degrees temperature. But the move had another effect, something that made Vice's stomach knot.
A muzzle protruded from the hood along with a lock of hair. Both were pale white, sickly-pale white. The hair itself was long, thin. It was almost luminescent on its own. Vice found himself unable to speak at the site of this knew development. The muzzle itself looked like nothing he'd seen before but not quite corpse-like. Beyond discordant and yet, animate. And it was that of a mare's.
"I instructed you specifically not to bother the humans after what happened with Nick," the Director said. The right sleeve rose to its head. Protruding from it though, to Vice Grip's shock, was not a pale hoof to match the female muzzle but long, thin, fingers. Black fingers, almost as black as the hood ending in pale nails. It pulled down the hood to obscure the face once again.
"I... I... uh," Vice stammered.
"Hey, it's all right," the Director stopped him. Their... her voice was calm, still friendly. Her voice had a strange liquid-y quality to it but the tone conveyed a calm manner. It still creeped the shit out of Vice Grip.
"D-Dan was messing with our distribution system, harassing Flim and Flam," Vice said, regaining his composure.
"We still have the other delivery systems, don't we?" she asked. The figure turned back to the monitor.
"We do," Vice replied, "but we require all of them to initiate phase 2 so any problems with Flim and Flam could disrupt things."
"Okay, so you sent Lightning Claw out there to stop him?"
"Yes and I made it clear I wanted him apprehended," Vice turned his own attention back to the display.
"Cool," the Director remarked. "Ya know, Dan's probably gonna kick his butt."
"I... wouldn't be so sure," Vice said. He was troubled by his compatriot's lack of confidence but maybe she did know more than him about humans.
"I would," the Director responded casually, still staring at the screen. "There's a reason I told you not to disturb them."
"And that is?" Vice was beginning to get annoyed. If she knew something he didn't know, he wanted her to fess up. "They can't use magic, they have no environmental powers, no innate strengths-"
"That's all true," the Director said, still focused on the screen. "We aren't born with anything extraordinary. But we can become extraordinary if the right circumstances arise. You make any mistake with humans, Vice, and it can be fatal. Everything you do, they learn from. This isn't like fighting Celestia where you control how the game is played. Humans often change the rules."
"What does that even mean?" Vice demanded, angry.
The Director turned to him again and pulled back the hood. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And sometimes, stranger. Heheh."
Vice Grip could only stare at the white-haired... thing as it chuckled. "Wha... what are you?"
"I'm like you, Vice; I'm whatever I want to be," he stepped closer to him, something glinting in his eyes. "I'm a brony."
The Spritebot fluttered and jittered as the controls for it shook violently. Something was happening in the command center at Stable 5 for it to be acting so erratically, but Dan still didn't even know it was there. Still, the machine conveyed the scuffle that was going on at its control suite in Vice's office until something hit the off switch and the spritebot deactivated. It hit the ground like a stone, finally giving away its presence.
Dan looked over his shoulder after hearing the noise. It's the forest; there are going to be random noises, oddly... mechanical-sounding, Fallout 3 SFX-style noises that seemingly come from nowhere. Those things happened. He went back to playing Fighting is Mobile, the portable Fighting is Magic on his cell phone, unaware that he was no longer being watched. By a robot, anyway.
Lightning Claw was a fast Pegasus even before his accident but after his experiment, he could nearly go supersonic. It hadn't taken him long after he'd had a private chat with the Director before he'd reached Dan's location. He soared over the Everfree, finally reaching the human's position.
There were a few ways Lightning Claw could get the drop on Dan. He could tell the human was on his cell phone and clearly not paying attention to his surroundings. Not a clever thing to do in the forest. Lightning could easily take out the biped from the back, knock him out and drag him back to Stable 5. Which is what Vice Grip would want... but not the Director.
Dan looked up from his game every now and then to check his surroundings. Despite his appearance, he was still alert in case Flim and Flam got the drop on him. The second time he looked up though, he saw that he wasn't alone in the clearing. A stallion had apparently landed in front of him without him noticing, a strange indigo pony with pink markings like paint on his hooves, face and body. Obviously, some kind of sports fan, Dan thought.
"Hello, Dan," Lightning Claw greeted him.
A sports fan that somehow knew his name. "Hello," Dan put away his phone. "Who are you?" he asked, skeptical of the stranger.
The stranger smiled. "My name is Lightning Claw."
Experimental "Pegamagnus" Neo Pony
Lightning Claw The Electric Bulwark
"How do you know my name?" Dan stood. Something about this pony seemed off like the horn on his head being broken. An alicorn with a broken horn? That could happen? Maybe he shouldn't have been so hard on Twilight for not teleporting...
"I know a lot about you, Dan. You're from Northern California, you currently live in Twilight's library and just recently you were appointed as the first captain of the Harmony Guard, Princess Twilight Sparkle's own security force. Heh, like she needed one."
"And what's it to you?" Dan demanded. The hostility between them could be felt in the air. "You've been spying on me?! Spying on my friends?!!"
"Not me," Claw said, still grinning. "Mutual friends, you could say. Friends that are very interested in you and the future of Equestria."
"You can tell your friends if they want something, they know where to find me," Dan dared.
"You can tell them yourself," Claw stepped forward. "You're coming with me."
Dan's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "You don't want to screw with me, pal; I'll nail you to a tree."
Lightning Claw's wings crackled with electricity. He spread them wide as energy surged throughout his feathers. Bands of radiating lightning climbed his legs, pulsing around his hooves. "I don't think you want to try taking me down, Dan. You might find the results... shocking."
Before Dan could say anything back, Lightning Claw's wings exploded in a flash of light. Dan was blinded, but before he could even raise his arm to cover his eyes, Claw was on top of him. The stallion smacked him in the face with an electrically-charged hoof. It cracked like lightning against Dan's jaw, knocking him back. Before Dan could recover, Claw delivered a surging jab to his stomach, then spun around and bucked him with his back legs. Dan went flying between a pair of trees.
"Well, that was easy," Lightning Claw remarked, panting slightly. Such a display of his magic, even a quick one, left him a bit drained but he would regain energy quickly. He walked over to where his quarry had been flung.
Claw approached the pair of trees. "You weren't so tough. Hard to believe you actually took out Magic Gear RO-"
Dan's hand reached out from the underbrush to choke Claw. Before the stallion could react, Dan was lifting him off his hooves, crushing his windpipe. His front hooves grabbed for the fingers wrapped tightly around his neck as they squeezed, his legs and tail dangling as Dan hoisted him off the ground.
The young man himself was smiling. Face reddened and bruised, skin charred, Dan also breathed heavily as he lifted the stranger in front of him. Pulling Claw closer, Dan balled his right fist and punched the indigo Pegasus in the face and used the momentum to pin him to the tree next to him.
Lightning Claw tasted blood. Shocked, he could only stare as he felt his back pressed up against the back behind him. "Now, like I just told you," Dan cocked his right arm. "Nail you to a tree."
Instinctively, Claw wrapped his wings around the tree and unleashed his electricity. Blue sparks climbed the length of the tree and ignited the leaves, turning the tree into a torch. Dan released Lighting Claw before the tree exploded into cinders, bits of burnt wood flew everywhere.
Released, Lightning Claw rubbed his hooves together to generate a little static friction and regain his electricity. Sparks flew off his hooves as he looked around. He spotted Dan getting up just a few meters away. "Not bad..." he panted. "You sure can take a hit or two."
"Actually," Dan wiped the dirt off his face, "I'm pretty resistant to electricity after getting zapped so many times."
Claw's eyes went wide. "Oh..." he dropped his hooves.
Smiling, Dan advanced on him. "Guess your friends forgot to mention that."
Thinking fast, Lightning Claw clapped his wings together and emitted a bright flash. Dan covered his eyes and braced for an attack but none came. He looked around, scanning for his opponent but the Pegasus had vanished.
A hum filled the air and without warning, a giant lightning bolt struck a tree nearby Dan. Like the other, it was instantly destroyed, turned into burnt sticks in a flash. Dan looked up to see Lightning Claw had taken to the sky.
Lightning Claw was smart. Clearly, the human had experience in close range combat but he didn't have wings. He decided to keep the fight at a distance by taking to the air and keeping away from the trees in case Dan tried to climb to his height. Rubbing his hooves and spinning his tail, he channeled more electricity from the atmosphere into a lightning bolt and unleashed it from his broken horn. It wasn't as accurate as it would've been if he had total control of his magic but he didn't need to be accurate to fry Dan to a crisp.
The bolt struck another tree next to Dan. Heart racing, Dan turned and bolted himself before another ray zapped a bush nearby. But Lightning Claw had him zeroed in. He ran through the underbrush, now doing his best just to try to get away, hoping for something.
High above the forest, Lightning Claw was able to recharge himself with ions in the atmosphere. His magic replenished, he rained down destruction on trees, logs, bushes and anything else near Dan as the human raced through the jungle to avoid him. He would tire Dan out eventually.
Dan nearly tripped several times, running for his life. Electric resistance or not, a bolt of lightning was more than he could take at this point. He wasn't Derpy Hooves. He broke through vines, stumbled over roots and did everything he could just to keep running. There had to be a way out of this, something. He didn't look back; he just ran and tried to plan even as he fled.
Two bolts of lightning struck the trees ahead of him one after the other. Burning leaves peppered him and he was forced to change direction. He turned around and ran back for the clearing, nowhere else he could run.
Zeus? Odin? Amatures compared to the way Lightning Claw hurled lightning bolt after lightning bolt at the frightened human. This was pathetic. The biped ran like a scared animal, helpless before the awesome might of a single, slightly augmented Pegasus. He grinned. It was almost too fun to blast Dan.
Finally, Dan made it back to the clearing. He searched the ground, searched the sky, looked for anything that could help him. Dan's eyes caught Lightning Claw, grinning at him from high above, out of his reach.
"This has been fun, Dan," Claw yelled down to him, charging up another attack. "I hope Vice Grip doesn't mind if you're a bit blackened." He unleashed another bolt aimed directly at Dan.
Dan almost jumped behind the log before he saw something next to it. His cane, wrapped in metal. But metal conducted electricity, how would that help him? He didn't know what else to do; he lunged for it, grabbed it right off the ground and flung it into the air.
Lightning Claw watched his bolt arc towards the cane instead of its target. Dan had bought himself a few seconds, nothing more. He rubbed his hooves together again, readying another blast. Lightning might as well have been in a weather armory.
Dan ran for the cane, his only defense. Maybe if he kept tossing it through the air... or even tossed it back at Lightning, he could knock him out somehow? He was still alive so he had to keep trying something. Dan reached down to pick up the cane when he saw the horseshoes on the handle glowing. They were Granny Smith's horseshoes. Somehow, they had absorbed the lightning.
He picked up the cane, looking at the glowing handle. Gripping the handle, he hit the extension button and it unleashed a concentrated bolt of electricity from the end. The lightning beam blasted a hole through a rock nearby, causing it to explode and crumble. Dan smiled again.
Lightning Claw's jaw dropped. He stopped charging his hooves, stunned. Had that cane been a laser this whole time?
"We've tested my resistance to electricity," Dan aimed the cane like a rifle at the Pegasus. "Let's see how you hold up."
There was nowhere for him to take cover. Lightning Claw watched as the cane turned red and aimed right at him. "I, maybe..."
"I have a forecast for you, Mr. Lightning," Dan closed one eye. "You're in for a 100% chance of pain."
"DAN!"
The shout startled Dan just enough that it through off his aim by a degree. A concentrated blast of electricity flew right past Claw, only singing the edges of his feathers and mane.
Dan turned around to see Apple Bloom and Flim and Flam running up the path at him. "What the hay are you doing, Dan?" the filly asked him.
"Apple Bloom! You're just in time!" Dan ran over to her. "That Pegasus up there is trying to kidnap me!"
"Kidnap you?" Apple Bloom asked. "What Pegasus?"
Dan turned back to the sky. Lightning Claw was gone. Around him, burnt trees, rocks, bushes and a trail of ash and destruction lead from the clearing deeper into the forest. He looked at the cane on the ground... and then back to Apple Bloom.
"This isn't what it looks like," Dan said, already defensive. "I'm telling you, there was a Pegasus here trying to kill me! He wanted to abduct me, take me to this stable or something, honest!"
Apple Bloom wasn't exactly convinced. "And where did all these fires come from?"
"He had lightning! He was hurling lightning bolts at me and they torched the trees! I ran for my life and then I remembered my cane back here so I ran to grab it!"
"A Pegasus throwing lightning?" Flam asked.
"But there aren't any clouds in the sky," Flim pointed out.
Dan looked back up. As they said, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Pegasi could spawn lightning bolts but they did that from clouds... and there were none above them. So how had that Pegasus caused all this?
"Wait, the cane!" Dan ran and picked up his weapon. "I used this to beat him! I caught his lightning with this and flung it back at him!"
Apple Bloom walked over and examined the walking stick. "Are those Granny Smith's horseshoes?"
"Yes!" Dan said. "They absorbed the lightning somehow and I was able to shoot it back at him! Nearly got him, too if you hadn't thrown off my aim at the last second."
"Uh huh," the filly tapped the shoes. "Well, Granny Smith's horseshoes are resistant to electricity. She has 'em specially made to harvest zap apples. But I'm not sure about them shooting lightning or anything."
"Here, let me show you," Dan aimed the cane. "All right... here it goes!" he hit the button. Nothing happened. "But... but they were charged just a minute ago!"
Apple Bloom put a hoof on the cane, encouraging him to lower it. "Look Dan, I'm not sayin' that what you're sayin' didn't happen but..."
"The Everfree Forest is a dangerous place, my boy," Flam slapped Dan on the back.
"It's not a place for sport hunting alone, that's for sure," Flim added.
"But I'm telling the truth..." Dan pouted. "How else would all these trees have gotten burnt?"
Apple Bloom turned back to him. "How much dynamite do you have leftover?"
"I..."
"And does Granny Smith know you took her cane?"
"Well, I-"
"And her shoes?"
Dan balled his fists. "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO FIND THAT PEGASUS! I'LL GET HIM TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO YOU SKEPTICS! I DON'T CARE IF TAKES ALL NIGHT!" he stormed off.
"Wait Dan," Apple Bloom stopped him. "We still have to do something about these fires."
Flim had a hoof to his chin. "You know what, don't worry about it."
Both Dan and Apple Bloom turned to the unicorns. "What?"
"Don't worry about some random Pegasus or whatever happened here. We'll take care of it," Flam said.
"But what about him trying to kidnap me? And blowing up everything? And-"
Flim stopped Dan. "Look, the Everfree Forest is a dangerous place. Things happen! It was probably all a misunderstanding. I think we've all had a few of those in the past few hours, haven't we?"
Dan folded his arms. They were right, unfortunately.
"It was probably just some disgruntled chap who got lost in the jungle," Flam added. "We'll take care of cleaning up the trail with our Flim Flam Gear. You two head home and we won't worry about any of this mess any longer."
"But wait," Dan stopped him, "what's the deal with you selling Magic Gear?"
"Flim Flam Gear," Flam corrected him.
"Whatever."
"Whatever do you mean, what is our deal?" Flim asked.
Dan approached the pair. "It's a giant robot. That nearly nuked Ponyville and nearly destroyed Equestria. And you're just going to let anypony have them for free?"
The two brothers glanced at each other. "Of course not!"
Apple Bloom and Dan's expressions turned to that of surprise. "You're not?"
"Why no, they're two-hundred bits a month to rent!" Flam chuckled.
The filly and human frowned. "All right... all right," Dan said with a sigh, "but what's your angle? How are you both scamming ponies this time? Are they going to go on a rampage and destroy things, self-destruct after a single use, how are you making money?"
"Ah, well, since you asked," the brothers held each other tightly. "We're planning on releasing software updates in the coming years!"
Dan facepalmed. "I should've known..."
"Yes, new upgrades that all the ponies will want to buy to customize and complete their very own unique Flim Flam Gears!"
"Uh huh," Dan thought, "But what's stopping me from telling everypony, including Applejack, who everypony KNOWS is the most honest mare in Equestria and letting your customers know what you're planning on doing?"
"When they do that, it's likely they'll cancel all those subscriptions... even the free trials," Apple Bloom added with a giggle.
The brothers looked at each other again, this time glum. "Tell you what, Dan, how about we clean up this mess for you and forget this ever happened?"
"When Twilight's free trial is over, you don't come bothering us again with some random sale. If Twilight wants to renew, she comes to you, got it?" Dan asked.
Flim and Flam nodded. "It's a deal."
The three ponies and one human shook hooves and hand and departed. With Flim Flam Gear's various attachments and reconstruction tools and fluids, the fires were extinguished and the debris cleared. Dan and Apple Bloom continued walking back to Ponyville as the sun set.
"Well, I was right," Dan declared. "Those two were trying to scam everypony..."
"Indeed ya did," Apple Bloom remarked.
"I know, I was there," Dan smiled to himself.
"Yeah... and yet your friends and Granny Smith still have giant robots parked outside their houses."
Dan's smile turned into a frown. Despite finally uncovering Flim and Flam's plans, it didn't change the fact his friends had fallen for it. They were still subscribed to one week of free Flim Flam Gear... whatever that meant. Apple Bloom had managed to put things into perspective for him.
"But I was right..." Dan said to himself. "I knew they were trying to screw us over and they were. I knew better but none of them listened to me."
"I know how that is," Apple Bloom said. "I'm young. Sometimes, even when I do know better than the adults, they don't listen and keep going on, doing what they're doing. It's tough."
"I could say the same thing," Dan remarked, achingly frustrated. "How can you convince someone when you know better?"
The filly shrugged. "Ya can't always convince 'em. Sometimes, ya just gotta hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And be supportive, that helps, too."
"I guess so," Dan replied to the wise pony.
The two of them finally arrived back in Ponyville, back to the Golden Oaks library to see Twilight, Chrys, Fluffle and the others, even Applejack and Granny Smith. As Dan and Apple Bloom approached, the group descended from the Flim Flam Gear to see them.
"Dan!" Twilight shouted, galloping towards him.
"It's good to see you back, Dan!" Chrys said, both mares tackling and hugging him. He hugged them both back as Fluffle Puff came up to give him a tongue bath.
"Hey guys, yes, we're back," Dan said to the group. Apple Bloom ran up to hug her sister and grandmother, them happy to be together as well.
"I'm... sorry about what happened earlier, Dan," Twilight said.
"We kind of got worried about you, all of us," Chrys said. "We were concerned that you were upset when you left."
"I was," Dan replied, happy. "But everything's fine now. How are the repairs on the library?"
"They're going great!" Chrys replied.
"Yeah," Twilight agreed, "thanks to Flim Flam Gear, we've actually had a lot of fun rebuilding the structure, reinforcing everything."
"And there haven't been any problems from the machine itself? No issues with the controls or evidence of Flim and Flam scamming us?"
"Nnnnope," Twilight answered. "I know what you're thinking Dan; it's Flim and Flam, it's some obvious, zany booby-trap or a way for them to sabotage us and we'll wind up-"
Dan held up a hand to stop her. "Twilight, it's okay. I'm not upset any more. I understand your decision and respect it even if I disagree with it," he informed her calmly.
Everypony, even Granny Smith who hadn't interacted much with Dan was surprised. "You're... you're not mad?" Twilight asked.
"No, no I'm not," Dan said.
She smiled. They all smiled. "Thank you... I appreciate that, Dan."
"Wow... what happened in that forest?" Chrys asked, astonished.
Dan looked over to Apple Bloom. The filly stared back at him wide-eyed. "You don't want to know," he said back to her. "Now, let's get started on the inside, shall we?"
"Yeah!" they all agreed and cheered. Surrounded by a crowd of ponies and one dragon, his best friends, Dan had the most content of expressions as he reached out to open the door to the Golden Oaks library. He grabbed the doorknob and pulled. It came off in his hand.
"What?" the group looked over his shoulder. The other end of the doorknob fell off inside. Suddenly, the entire library began to shake. The foundation rumbled, newly-laid boards snapped like twigs.
"RUN! RUN!" Dan shouted. The ponies and bipeds dashed for cover. The library teetered and fell, collapsing on the Flim Flam Gear nearby and destroying it.
"What?! No... no!!!" Twilight yelled.
"All that work..." Chrys sobbed.
"MY SHRINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Spike screamed.
Owlowicious took flight from the once-again wrecked library, dust and leaves finally setting as it rested. Twilight, mortified, watched in despair as their home once again was destroyed. "What... what happened? How did this happen?"
As if on cue, Fluffle Puff ran up to Dan with a piece of paper attached to her forehead. Dan removed it, flipped it right-side up and read it quickly. "Well, it looks like a piece of the instruction manual. Says here that only Flim Flam-approved materials can be used in reconstruction. All others degrade rapidly when used by Flim Flam Gear."
Blushing, Twilight realized immediately the mistake she'd made. Slowly, she turned to face Dan. "All right, Dan, I know what you're going to say, but all I wan-"
"Twilight," he held up a hand again. "I'm not going to say anything," he responded, perfectly calm.
Twilight shyly continued, skeptical and curious. "You're... you're not going to say I told you so?"
The young man scratched his chin, thinking for a moment. "Nah. We've got work to do," he said, walking to the house as the others began once again clearing the refuse. "But one thing, Twilight."
"Yes, Dan?" Twilight turned to him again.
"Next time you're thinking of buying something that might wreck the house, you consult me first," Dan decreed.
Twilight smiled as she and the others got back to work. "It's a deal."
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship...
"I DIDN'T ORDER THIS! I DIDN'T ORDER ANY OF THIS!"
"I just don't know what went-"
"Don't. Just... just don't say it."
It's an unexpected delivery on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"Do you even know what it means to deliver mail?"
"Yes, it means not to deliver muffins. I have a separate bag for those! You want on-"
"GRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNGRRRRRRR!!!"
Next Saturday, Dan goes postal!
"Sir, you're going to have to stand in the other line if you're trying to mail a package."
"What if you're trying to mail a really annoying pony?"
Signed, sealed and shipped directly to you, it's Dan Vs. Derpy Hooves next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"There needs to be a stamp on this. Punching it does not help sir."
Only on FIMFiction.net
After helping Dan and the others clean up Twilight's house, Apple Bloom joined Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo at Sugar Cube Corner.
"Cutie Mark Crusaders brownies yay!" the three fillies shouted triumphantly. Using a pair of heat-resistant pads, Sweetie and Scootaloo removed a large tray of treats from the oven.
Apple Bloom took a large whiff of the confections. "Mmmm, they smell delicious, girls!"
"I can't wait to try one!" Scootaloo remarked.
"Let's go help the others while we wait for them to cool off!" Sweetie Belle suggested.
"Good idea!" the others agreed. Together, the three fillies exited the kitchen, leaving a hot stove and brownies behind.
"Woah, hold on there!" a stallion stopped them.
"Huh?" the three turned to see Pony Joe entering the kitchen from the other side. "Hey Pony Joe, what's up?" Scootaloo asked.
"I'll tell ya what's up," Joe replied, "and that's the temperature on this oven. It's still hot! And it's still on!"
The three ponies gasped. "We forgot to turn the oven off!"
"That's right," Pony Joe said. He walked over and carefully turned down the knobs on the stove, switching them off. "Before you're done cooking, you should always make sure you've turned everything off. Otherwise, you might wind up cooking something you didn't want to!"
The three girls entered the kitchen again. "Thanks Pony Joe. Now we know."
Pony Joe chuckled. "And knowing is half the batter!"
G.I. PONY JOE A REAL EQUESTRIAN HERO
Everfree Forest, Public Camp Site B
Flim set up the holoprojector, making sure all the attachments were plugged in and then switched it on. After a few moments, the image of Vice Grip appeared as it had before.
"Status report?"
"We've finished with the deliveries, Mr. Vice Grip," Flam said, removing his hat.
Flim did the same. "The last one's been loaded onto a train and is en route to its destination.'
Vice smiled. "Good, good! Gentlecolts, I'm very happy with you. Thanks to you both, Equestria is well on its way to being a better place."
The two brothers smiled, happy to have done their part.
"That's right, both of you will be able to head over to your assigned Stable shortly," Vice continued. His image fluttered as he manipulated the controls on his terminal in Stable 5. "We're just about ready to start phase 2."
"Thank you, Mr. Vice Grip!" Flam said.
"It's really remarkable, boys," Vice said to them. "How exactly were you able to convince fifty different settlements to buy Magic Gear?"
"Nothing short of our marketing genius," Flim explained. "We're allowing our customers a free week's trial of Flim Flam Gear before they decide to buy."
"Also," Flam began, "we did have to make a few modifications, mostly minor things."
The image of Vice Grip frowned. Slowly, he turned to both of them. "Modifications?"
"Customizations," Flim clarified. "To ensure that each settlement accepted our offer, we had to customize each one to suit the individuals' needs."
"Always know who you're selling to," Flam added.
Vice pinched his temple. "What kind of modifications?"
Flam stepped forward. "Well, for starters, we had to cut down the cost on manufacturing each one. So we used our own supplies rather than what you delivered."
"But not to worry. We were able to make sure each one can do its job and now it's tailor-made for each individual pony who purchases one," Flim added.
Back at Stable 5, Vice Grip keyed in different commands to his console. He tried to access the Magic Gear network but the terminal kept saying that no such network existed. Instead, there was something called the Flim Flam Network. Out of curiosity, he clicked it. Instantly, his monitor was filled with pop-up ads. He turned back to the holoprojector transmitter and looked at both of the brothers.
"Do you... have ANY idea what you've both done?"
"Yes!" Flam said. "We've made a lot of money."
"And we've saved a lot by using our own materials rather than yours. Your own supplies, we happily sold to various junk dealers. We knew you wouldn't mind as long as the job was done," Flim said.
Vice felt his blood boiling. "You... YOU IDIOTS! YOU INCOMPETENT CARNIE IDIOTS!" he screamed at the image, slamming his gauntlets on the monitor.
Flim and Flam held each other, frightened. "I... uh, I take it you're not happy?"
"You... you morons have ruined EVERYTHING! Without the Magic Gear Network... without the PROPER MATERIALS, MAGIC GEAR WON'T FUNCTION! THEY'RE USELESS! YOU GOAT-DAMNED FOOLS!"
"So... umm... when do you think we can move into our Stable?" Flam asked.
Vice laughed, then immediately went back to anger. "Oh, I'll send somepony to take care of that very, VERY soon."
"I'm sorry, what's that?" Flam asked.
"I'm afraid you're breaking up, Mr. Vice, but it's been a pleasure working for you!"
The two brothers used their magic to tamper with the holoprojector, making it go out of focus.
"This-n't -er. I'-" the image of Vice flickered.
"I'm afraid we'll have to decline that offer, Mr. Grip but it's been a profitable venture!"
"We'll see you!" Flam cut the monitor's power and it turned off.
Vice watched as the image turned off, cut from the source. He balled his metal fingers into two fists and slammed them on his desk. Then suddenly, he raised them again and shouted, "FLIM FLAM BROTHERS!!!"
In the other office, the Director giggled.
Flim and Flam spent a quiet moment contemplating what they'd just done. "Perhaps we... shouldn't have tried to screw over that one," Flim remarked.
"Perhaps indeed, brother," Flam agreed.
Flim turned to his brother, worried. "What should we do now?" Neither of them had the answer.
(Looks like karma's finally caught up to these two.)"I think you both might want to consider a different profession."
The two brothers turned to see a tall biped, another human walking towards them from the woods. "And who might you be?"
"I'm Phoenix Wright, a defense attorney," the man introduced himself.
"Defense attorney?" the pair asked.
"Yes and I've been keeping track of the current products you two have been selling," he explained. "They've been causing a lot of accidents, not to mention the safety violations and lack of insurance."
Flim and Flam started sweating. In their haste, they hadn't exactly inspected their modified Flim Flam Gears before selling them. A massive oversight.
"And... umm... what are you going to do about that?" Flam asked.
"Well gentlecolts," Phoenix touched his chin, "it seems like you both could use some legal consultation, maybe even someone to represent you."
They nodded emphatically. "Yes, yes that would definitely help!"
(Of course it would.)"I know," Phoenix said. "but I don't normally handle personal injury, destruction of property or false advertising cases. However, I'd be happy to provide consultation if you both do something for me."
"And what would that be?" Flam asked.
"Your employer gave you the original schematics to his inventions, the Magic Gears. I'd like a copy of the unmodified design as well as anything relating to F.I.S.T," Phoenix said.
The two brothers took only a split second to consider it. "It's a deal, Mr. Phoenix."
(I think this might be the first legitimate business decision these two have ever made.)
"Captain's log, Stardate 42117.8. The Enterprise has just finished its first sensor sweep of the Curso Nebula, what could become a new star in that system. While conducting the sweep though, it seems we've come across a strange transmission of unknown origin."
"Here it is again!" Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge announced, his voice a mixture of concern, curiosity and excitement. "This is the same one we picked up before but I can't identify the source."
Captain Jean-luc Picard, Commander Will Riker and Lieutenant Worf didn't have to be told twice. They made their way over from their respective stations on the bridge of the Enterprise-D to the console the engineer was hovering over, eager to learn of his findings.
"Is it some kind of distress signal? An emergency beacon caught in the nebula?" Riker asked, always concerned for the safety of others first.
"No, it doesn't seem to be. Even if it was, there's not a base or a starship out there or the sensors would've identified it," Geordi answered.
"Perhaps there's a malfunction with the sensor array," Captain Picard suggested, trying to provide a solution to their current puzzle. "Did you try recalibrating the scanners?"
"I did," Geordi said, switching to another console on the bridge. He keyed in a few commands on the display to double-check his findings. "It's not just the sensors picking this up, captain. It's every system on the ship."
"And you're sure it's not a distress signal of some kind?" Riker asked again.
The engineer folded his arms, thinking. "I'm positive. The funny thing is, the transmission is ongoing. It doesn't repeat so it's a continuous broadcast."
Lt. Worf shifted uncomfortably. Being a Klingon and a Starfleet member, he preferred to tackle problems head-on, using his analytical mind to assess threats and puzzles like foes on the battlefield. "Why would someone broadcast a message into space non-stop? It practically invites any ship to investigate it. This could be a trap, some kind of sabotage."
"Maybe they just like the attention," Riker commented.
"I don't think it's anything sinister," Geordi said, returning to his readout of the transmission. "If anything, it looks to be just a standard broadcast but all of our systems are picking it up."
"Can we isolate the signal?" Picard asked.
"Actually..." the engineer typed in a few commands on the console. "...yes we can."
"Put it on screen," the captain instructed.
An image appeared on the front viewscreen of the bridge, the sensors taking a moment to relay the broadcast. As the transmission played, the crew returned to their respective positions to watch.
"Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship?" Riker asked, perplexed. "What kind of a broadcast is this?"
"I think it's an entertainment program, like an adventure-comedy series," Geordi said, gesturing at the screen. While most of the characters appeared to be colorful, talking ponies and other creatures, for some reason, a pale, dark-haired humanoid seemed to be living among them for the sole purpose of becoming frustrated and taking his anger out on the populace. And then learning lessons about it.
"Heh," the commander chuckled. "Someone's devoting all this energy just to broadcast a comedy show? Seems like a complete waste of time."
"How obnoxious," Lt. Worf remarked. "Transmitting a signal across the galaxy just to... just to..." the klingon's expression, while hard to read sometimes, changed as he watched the screen to that of confused amusement. "Why did he fall into that gel-substance a second time?"
"I think that was part of the comedy, Mr. Worf," Riker said.
The Klingon laughed heartily, continuing to watch.
The commander rolled his eyes. "I still think it's a huge waste of energy just to relay an entertainment program across the galaxy."
Picard sat in the captain's chair, leaning and rubbing his chin in contemplation. While the Enterprise did have a duty to Starfleet to defend the Federation, they were also explorers, researchers. And when new opportunities arose to learn and discover, no matter what source or where they came from, Picard knew they weren't to be missed out on.
"Perhaps, Number One," Picard smiled, "what we could all use right now is a little entertainment. Mr. La Forge," he turned to his chief engineer. "Can you track this transmission back to its source?"
It only took a moment for Geordi to check. "Looks like we'll be able to follow the transmission right back to its point of origin, Captain. I've got the course laid in."
"Chasing after rogue signals, captain?" Riker asked skeptically.
"Chasing after fun, Number One," Picard responded with an enthusiastic smile. "Make it so."
Space. The final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starshipPinkie Pie!
Its continuing mission: to explorenew ways to have fun!
To seek outall sorts of exciting adventures with all my friends!
To boldlyparty where nopony has partied before!
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship
Starring CURTIS ARMSTONG as Dan
TARA STRONG as Twilight Sparkle
KATHLEEN BARR as Chrys
Also Starring LEVAR BURTON as Lt. Cmdr. Geordi La Forge
MICHAEL DORN as Lt. Worf
PATRICK STEWART as the voice of Fluffle Puff's inner monologues
And GARY BUSEY as himself
Developed for FIMFiction.net by BARRO the BROADCASTER and MICHAEL HAY
Ever since Dan had moved in with Twilight and the others, he had developed a bit of a morning routine. He would get up, sometimes fix breakfast or breakfast would be fixed, check the interior for signs of intruders, invasion or breached defenses and then proceed outside to perform a tactical assessment of the standing structure while retrieving the newspaper and any mail. It was a mental checklist he enjoyed going over everyday; preparing for annoyances and threats meant less time he'd have to deal with them in the future and less overall stress he'd be caused.
"Morning Dan!" Twilight called as she descended the stairs.
"Morning Twilight," Dan responded, busy examining the edges of one of the windows. "It's surprising how well everything in the library held together after falling over."
"Yeah, lucky for us," she agreed. "It's a pretty sturdy tree even if it has trouble staying planted."
"Well, we're going to make sure it stays planted this time," Dan said, satisfied with the windows.
Already awake, Spike walked over to Dan and Twilight from the living room. "Morning guys!"
"Morning," the two responded.
"I really like the modifications we made to the library," Spike announced.
The two turned to the small dragon. "Modifications?"
"Yeah, like all the crawlspaces. They're perfect for hiding stuff in."
As if to give the statement more of an impact, a random board creaked from the ceiling. The patter of hooves followed shortly after, seeming to come from everywhere at once. Twilight and Dan looked around, trying to determine the source of the disturbance as it came closer and closer. The echoes reverberated through the paneling.
"What's going on?!" asked Twilight. The panels vibrated, approaching her fast.
Dan remained still, his expression steadfast. "This can only mean one thing."
"What?!" Twilight asked again. Suddenly, a board in the wall bent back and a fluffy pink head poked through right in front of Twilight. Fluffle Puff performed her trademark gasp and then licked the purple alicorn's cheek. "I should've known. Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the living room."
A pair of boards shook on either side of Dan. Chrys' hooves shot out to hug Dan as her eyes appeared in a pair of knotholes above him. "Hi Dan!"
"Hi Chrys," he said, un-amused. "Having fun?"
"Yup!"
Dan's teeth began to grit. "You both realize you're compromising the integrity of the structure we just renovated, right?"
"Aww," Chrys' legs went slack. "But it's fun!"
"FUN?!" Dan spun around to face her. "FUN?! You think it's FUN to leave an opening so easily penetrated?! Practically BEGGING for someone like me to just barge in?!"
Chrys paused, her face a complete blank behind the wall. Redness began to fill her cheeks and her heart began to race. She stared at Dan and blinked. "Yes."
"Not happening," Dan replied sternly, oblivious as usual. "As soon as you two are done messing around in the crawlspace, I'm filling it up with cement. There's no security breaches on my watch."
"Dan," Twilight put a hoof on his back, "relax. They're just having a little fun."
"Relax?!" Dan shouted at the explanation. "That's what got us into this mess! At any moment, something could happen to the foundation and the house could come crumbling down agai-"
"Calm down, Dan," Twilight urged.
"All right, all right," he held up his arms defensively, realizing he wasn't going to win, as usual. "We could probably use it as extra ammunition storage anyway. I'm gonna do a perimeter check, then meet you guys inside for some breakfast," he said, walking to the door.
"Sure thing, we'll rendezvous in the kitchen in oh... five minutes," Spike said, pretending to check his watch.
"Don't encourage him," Twilight cautioned.
Chrys, still partially sticking out of the crawlspace, looked around. "Hey guys, where's Fluffle Puff?"
Spike and Twilight searched around. Once again, the large fluffy mare had managed to disappear. But they didn't have to look far for her.
"She's on the ceiling again," Spike pointed up.
The other two mares glanced upward to see Fluffle Puff's legs dangling from the floor above, helplessly but happily.
"How does she keep doing that?" Twilight asked, amazed and confused.
"I'll get the spatula," Chrys said.
Dan exited the house before the group pried Fluffle Puff off the ceiling yet again. Performing a thorough examination of the surrounding area was part of his job, so he felt. It wasn't just enough to keep out would-be thieves and intruders; living in a tree, he also did his best to make sure the structure remained weather resistant, free of pests and was clear of all debris. Honestly, he found it easier than maintaining a large house.
After a few minutes, he was satisfied. The work he, Spike and the ponies put in had paid off with grandeur. The Golden Oaks library never looked better and had even been modified at the base to accommodate a storage cellar underneath(formally the basement) and even another section to the archives themselves. Dan couldn't help but smile, admiring his own handiwork at reinforcing the trunk and adding positions for anti-aircraft and surface-to-whatever missile battery emplacements. The only thing left to attach were the weapons themselves.
Satisfied, Dan decided to check the mailbox, another new addition to the library as mail had previously been delivered directly to the door. He flipped open the metal hatch to check if something had been delivered and not to his surprise, something had. But when he retrieved the item delivered, he found there was much to be surprised about.
"What?" Dan asked the situation itself. "What the..."
What Dan pulled out happened to be... a muffin. A simple, fresh-baked muffin wrapped in thin plastic with a wax paper wrapper cupping the bottom.
"Is this a joke?!" Dan demanded. He looked around, trying to find out who could've been responsible. But the area around the Golden Oaks library was vacant this time of the morning. "WHY IS THERE A MUFFIN IN THE MAILBOX?!" Again, silence was his only answer.
Perplexed, Dan walked back into the house, muffin clutched in his upheld hand like a drink he was being careful not to spill. He entered the living room to see Twilight, Chrys and Spike trying to scrape Fluffle Puff off the roof with a spatula. Which he didn't find surprising at all.
"You guys aren't planning on cooking with that spatula after you're done with it are you?" he called to the others.
"Umm... " was there unanimous response. "How did everything go outside?" Twilight quickly changed the subject.
"Fine," Dan admitted, his voice still confused. "but... I think somepony's trying to poison us."
The three finally pried the attached mare off the ceiling. She collapsed down on the floor with an adorable squeak, her fluff absorbing the impact. Fluffle then proceeded to hug Dan as the others descended to the ground.
"What makes you say that?" Chrys asked.
"I found this muffin in the mailbox," he held it up for them. "This could be one of Flim and Flam's tricks again. Or it could be something else. I think we should have this analyzed."
"Oh," Twilight laughed. "That's just Derpy. She really loves muffins and does this now and then," the purple alicorn proceeded to unwrap the treat and take a bite.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Dan shouted in shock. "You don't know what that is!"
"Yes I do," replied Twilight, mouth full of muffin. "It's lemon surprise."
As the purple pony chewed, she stopped, detecting an oddity with her tongue. The others noticed her change in expression. "Mmm... hmmm.."
"What's wrong, Twilight?" Spike asked. Chrys and Fluffle Puff gathered around her, concerned.
"I KNEW IT!" Dan announced. "IT'S POISONED! Stand back!" he grabbed Twilight and proceeded to squeeze her by the barrel. "BREATH, DAMN IT! BREATH!"
"MM! Dan!" Twilight shook him off. "There's nothing wrong, calm down." She reached a hoof into her mouth and pulled out a white object. "I thought I tasted something funny."
"What is it?" Chrys asked.
"It's a letter!" Spike recognized.
Twilight immediately giggled at the realization. "Derpy baked the mail into a muffin!" Chrys, Spike and Fluffle laughed at the revelation.
"That is so Derpy!" Chrys remarked.
"Why are you laughing?!" Dan asked, shocked at his friends' behavior.
Twilight regained her composure. "Dan, Derpy Hooves is our mailmare. She makes most of the deliveries to the library and she does things like this from time to time. It's just for fun."
"FUN?!" Dan couldn't believe the explanation. "What if she does that to MY mail?! What if she tries to bake something important into a pie and it blows up?!"
"I don't think she would do that, Dan," Twilight responded.
"Yeah," Spike agreed. "Derpy only really does muffins. Pies and cakes are Pinkie Pie's thing."
"That's not the point!" the hominid continued to protest. "This is a violation of the postal service! It compromises the integrity of our main line of communication! IT'S A BREACH AMONGST THE SECURITY OF THE HOUSE!!"
"And it's part of a balanced breakfast," Spike added.
Dan's anger seethed inside him. "That's it! I'm going down to the post office to talk about our current courier's constant confection compulsion!" Once again, he headed to the door, this time storming out.
"Dan, wait!" Twilight called.
"Yes?" he turned to his purple caretaker.
"If you're going out, take Fluffle with you. She needs to get out more."
"Fine," Dan replied. "Where's the spatula?"
Spike turned away. "We were going to make some French toast with it..."
Dan simply looked at the purple dragon, disappointed. He then opened the door and left, Fluffle Puff bouncing behind him.
Unlike many other quirky ponies, Dan didn't find Fluffle Puff intolerably irritating. Most of the time. No, despite her incessant shenanigans, penchant for adhering to things and compulsive nature to tongue-bathe just about anything and everything, Dan found Fluffle Puff too... cute to be annoyed by. That, and she was the only thing in Equestria that reminded him of his closest companion on Earth, Mr. Mumbles.
How Fluffle Puff felt about Dan, however, was something stronger, something she didn't quite understand. Her curiosity got the better of her sometimes but she loved Dan and the others. They were her family and she knew they needed to stick together and support one another. Unlike Dan, though, Fluffle Puff's conviction was a certain thing. She would be silent until necessary, happily carrying the truth about why Dan was onboard that plane until the time was right. Her one and only secret she kept from Dan and the others.
If there was one thing Fluffle Puff admired about Dan, it was that he was at the very least, open and honest with them. If there was something he didn't agree with, if something disturbed him, if there was a problem, he made sure everypony knew about it. Very sure. And he always told the truth. Fluffle Puff regretted being unable to follow his example...
Which is why she stayed silent. For the most part. Determined to help her friend, the fluffy mare bounced up to Dan and marched alongside him. The two of them headed into town for the post office.
Dan's eyes were fixated forward in a preemptive glare. "All right, here's the plan: we get in there and we start cracking heads!"
"Pbbthpppd!" Fluffle nodded in agreement, her own eyes narrowing. They were both already fired up.
"No mercy, no escape, no prisoners!"
"Thhbbbbbbbd!"
"We find out who's tampering with the mail and give THEM a message to chew on!" Dan shouted.
"Rmmbddppth!" Fluffle Puff gave a final 'pbhhd' of determined affirmation. She was just as upset about this as Dan.
Hello, I'm Patrick Steedwart, a ponified version of stage and screen actor, Patrick Stewart. Today, I'll be playing the voice of Fluffle Puff's inner most thoughts and feelings as expressed through private dialogue. I hope you enjoy.
Actually, I'd like to interject right here if I may.
Wait a moment... uh, excuse me? Who are you?
I'm a ponified version of actor and narrator, Morgan Freeman. My name is Morgan Freemane and I believe I'll be providing the voice for Fluffle Puff's thoughts this episode.
There must be some sort of mistake. I was told by Mr. Barro that I was to do the narration for Fluffle Puff.
I believe there has been a mistake, Mr. Steedwart. It's not a problem, really. Clearly, somepony must've misread something in the script. I mean, this is a narration and this production really does require somepony more experienced in that area.
...Excuse me?
Well, no disrespect, Mr. Steedwart but I do believe I've been in a few more-
Uh, hey, can I say something here?
Who are you?
Yeah, hi, I'm Richard Dreyfuss.
You're a ponified version of Richard Dreyfuss?
No, I'm actually Richard Dreyfuss. How can you not remember me? We worked together in Red!
Uh, oh right, Richard Dreyfuss, yes.
Yes, I remember you! You were in Deep Blue Seaalong with that fellow from the car chase movie.
No, *sigh*, you're thinking of Jaws. Look, we were all told we were supposed to have the same role so... why don't we just take share it?
What do you suggest we do?
Well, we could take turns. You go, then I go, then Morgan Freemane goes and we just do it that way. What do you say? Sound good?
...It was a pleasure seeing you again, Mr. Dryfuse.
Yes, I believe I'll be going as well. Best of luck, Richard. Hope to see you again in the next Sharknado.
I was in JAWS! *sighs heavily*
"Pbtth-thh!" Fluffle Puff added. A mare's mail is not something to mess with, not even if you're the mailmare. Delivering letters baked into muffins is one thing but not baking enough for everypony? Now that's just rude. Besides... I wanted a lemon-surprise muffin.
The post office was only a couple doors down from town hall, the buildings in the area serving as the center of local government, administration and community organization for Ponyville. Within the same block was the New-and-Old Neighbor Welcome and Re-welcome Center(the pony-equivalent of a Department of Immigration or foreign affairs office, frequented by Pinkie Pie), the Visit and Vacation Starting Place(offices of travel), the courthouse(unused since the Ace Swift murder trial three years ago) and the Carriage, Carrier and Contraption Contract Compliance and Cooperation Center(DMV).
A few ponies were already in the area as Dan approached, going about their daily lives. Pegasi delivered things two and from second-story windows, ponies tended to sweeping, cleaning and moving things about the area and generally busied themselves. Dan and Fluffle passed a park bench where another familiar duo sat and relaxed.
"Hi, Dan!" Lyra called out, waving to him.
Fluffle Puff waved back for both of them, her expression momentarily changed to glee before returning to narrow-eyed determination.
A longing look in her eyes, Lyra stretched out a hoof as she watched Dan pass. "Hands..."
"Don't," Bon-bon, sitting next to her lowered Lyra's hoof for her.
Lyra's head sulked for a moment before she returned to watching Dan and Fluffle Puff cross the street. Her own eyes narrowed just a tad and the faintest hint of a smile flashed across her muzzle. Bon-bon rolled her eyes; some things never changed.
"This is it, Mr. Fluffles," Dan said to his accomplice as they approached the small, blue building wedged between two others. "What should we do first? Make them decorate cakes with the oath to the postal service? Pack them in shipping crates and mail them to a bakery? Go to the supermarket, buy muffins and start chucking them until the whole place is covered n dough?'
"Thrbbppd," Force them to bake us muffins! And then sing us one of those singing telegrams! AND GET STAMPS WITH OUR FACES ON THEM! OOOH, YES!
Before either of them could execute their plans, a familiar purple pony appeared in front of them. "Hi guys!"
"Twilight, what are you doing here?" Dan demanded. "You're not going to try to talk me out of this, are you?"
"No, Dan," Twilight said, knowing how futile that notion was. "I'm just here because you decided to skip breakfast today." She turned around and pulled two lunchboxes out from her saddlebag and levitated them over to her. "We went ahead and packed you lunch!"
Fluffle Puff received a lunch box with a picture of Gabriel Iglesias on the front. She gasped enthusiastically, tucked it into her utility fluff and proceeded to hop around the background.
Dan accepted his own lunch box skeptically. "Thanks..." he said, examining it. Turning it over, he discovered the front sported a very familiar theme. "Ha!" Dan smiled widely, astonished. "Revenge of The Nerds? That's one of my favorite movies! Twilight, how did you know?"
Twilight grinned bashfully. "Well, you have mentioned it a few times. I just thought you'd like it." While the majority of humanity didn't know about their dimensional equine neighbors, many in Equestria's scientific and academic community were well aware of Earth's existence. The ponies had based some of their own technological innovations off of terran inspiration but things went deeper than that. Some cultural ideas had been 'borrowed' while others had simply existed from the start. The explanation for this wasn't always clear.
Equestria and Earth were parallel to each other. Despite their many differences, a lot of events, concepts, areas and even individuals mirrored each other across the vastness of time and space but not all of them. The two worlds were in many ways like sisters; connected in many ways yet separate, individual. Dan pretty much thought of Equestria as Earth only younger, innocent and pure. Something he felt the need to protect and guide, give them the second chance he never received. Give his friends, give Twilight the second chance she needs.
"I do," Dan answered. He suddenly found himself with more gratitude then he knew how to express. "Thank you..." he said.
"You're welcome," the purple princess replied. "I packed you both sandwiches: hay bacon, lettuce, tomato, peanut butter and jelly on white. With the crust cut off for Fluffle Puff. And there's also some green apple slices and juice for when you get thirsty."
Dan opened the container. As Twilight had described, a well-organized lunch had been arranged within. Each item was even packaged separately to prevent excessive moisture build up, a threat to all packed lunches as Dan was well aware. There was even a cupcake tucked in the corner in a separate compartment so it wouldn't get squished.
"What's all this for?" Dan asked, confused.
"For you to eat," Twilight answered with a chuckle. "Now, I want both of you to play nice with the other ponies. You can be report back to me later with the results of your investigation and don't stay out too late."
"Investigation?" Dan was even more puzzled than before. "Does that mean... are you actually approving of what I'm doing?"
"You're going to find out what's going on with the mail," Twilight explained. "Make sure that nopony gets hurt by these new procedures. You saw something you were concerned with and now you're going to inspect the source. It's kind of like your job."
"My... job..." Dan repeated. He stared off into the distance, thinking as he clutched his lunchbox. Yes, he was a captain of the guard. And he'd just been given permission to carry out an official investigation by a princess. Finally, things were starting to click into place. "Yes, that's right!" Dan declared, pocketing his container. "And I'm going to get to the bottom of this muffin madness before somepony bites off more than they can chew!"
"Good luck, Dan," Twilight wished him well. She knew there was nothing she could do to stop him but maybe if she supported him, he would realize he could learn something in the process. Not only that but she needed some time alone to research more about the spell that would return her to unicorn form. But Dan didn't need to know that. "I'll see you guys later!" she waved bye to the departing pair and disappeared in a flash of light.
Now, Dan felt empowered. Confidence flowed through him, a righteous certainty that bolstered every fiber of his being. He stormed right up to the front of the post office with Fluffle Puff close behind him. "This is it. Are you ready?" he asked the pink mare.
Fluffle Puff gave a single nod in response.
A glint of justice, or more likely, sociopathic rage burning in his eye, Dan gripped the handle of the post office door and pulled.
Slam! The door swung outward, smashing him against the wall like a mousetrap.
"I'll be back for the second batch in a few minutes!" Derpy called over her shoulder as she exited, quickly taking flight with a bag full of mail around her shoulders.
Dan, pancaked against the door and the side of the building when Derpy exited, peeled off the wall and collapsed on the ground in an excruciating heap. "Hrrr... urrrr...."
Fluffle Puff walked over to examine his twitching form. "Pbthhhbb?" Are you okay, Dan? Do you still want your lunch? "Thpppbbrrbbrr?" she prodded him. If you're not going to eat it, can I have it?
Lying on his back and dazed from pain, Dan watched as the mail mare flew away. "Come back, gray bird pony..." he said groggily.
Fluffle Puff splashed Dan with a bucket of water she got from literal convenience to this story.
Snapping back into full consciousness, Dan climbed to his feet and dried himself off. "Thank you. All right, let's go inside."
The enormous pink mare gasped, this time out of surprise rather than glee. She pulled at Dan's shoulders, trying to turn him around. Frantically, she pointed to Derpy buzzing about Ponyville on her mail route. What are you doing?! Stop! She's right behind us! That's the mare with the muffins flying down Drury Lane! I mean, Sugar Cube Corner! Dan!
But the biped was unaware of his friend's attempts at getting his attention. Opening the door a second time, he stepped inside. Sighing to herself, Fluffle Puff followed.
"All right!", Dan shouted his entrance upon ripping open the door, "Who's half-baked idea was it to put our mail in muffins?!"
Slowly, ponies in line turned their attention to the disgruntled biped fuming in the doorway. Mail clerks behind the front desk stopped what they were doing, a mustachioed Pegasus carrying a mailbag halted and hovered to see what the commotion was about.
"I SAID," Dan's voice boomed, "WHO PUT OUR MAIL INTO THE MUFFIN?" He didn't care about the quizzical looks; Dan was on a mission fully supported and authorized by Princess Twilight Sparkle.
But he didn't have to do more. A friendly green mare near the back of the line walked over to him. "Somepony baked your mail into a muffin?" she asked.
"YES!" Dan declared in a shout. "This is a clear violation of... uh, of..." Actually, Dan didn't know anything about postal service rules and regulations, on Equestria or otherwise. But he did know it wasn't exactly right to open your mailbox and find your letter pastries instead of postage. "... of our... personal property!"
"Oh, heheh," the mare chuckled. "That's just Derpy Hooves. She's quirky like that now and then."
"Quirky?! QUIRKY?!" Dan repeated in disbelief. Once again, it didn't seem ponies understood the full ramifications of a process they simply went along with. But when they relied on two sisters to raise and lower the sun and the moon, it didn't seem that big of a deal to just go with a lot of things, not that Dan cared. "What she's doing is DANGEROUS! What if she baked something important into a cake and the message became illegible as a result?!"
The mare shrugged. "She'd probably make sure to put it in afterward. Or leave it as the card attached."
Dan smacked himself in the forehead. Slowly, he wiped his face clean of disbelief, of awe. How could he possibly get through to these ponies? "Okay," he began again, "what if somepony opened up their mailbox-"
"Uh huh..." the mare nodded, following along.
"And they reach inside to discover a delicious slice of peace cobbler instead of an important package they were expecting." He pantomimed the action of opening a mailbox to help illustrate. "And without thinking, they eat the whole thing and don't realize they just swallowed-"
The mare raised her hoof. "Does it have to be peach cobbler?"
"No, what?" Dan stopped. "I'm just using that as an example; it really doesn't-"
"Can the example be apple pie?" she asked.
Dan pinched his brow. "It doesn't matter what it is..."
"I've actually had a lot of apple pie lately," another pony in line commented. "Can it be blueberry instead? Or cherry?"
"But I'm allergic to cherry," the mustachioed Pegasus commented.
"I'm trying to make a point here!" Dan raised his voice. "It could be ANY kind of pie but-"
"Does it have to be pie?"
"Oh, who asked you, Howard?"
"HEY!" Howard shouted back. "I have the same rights to voice my preferences as you do and I'm gonna-"
And so, the squabbling commenced. The line quickly became a crowd around Dan. He opened his mouth to try to shout over the ponies but quickly found himself overwhelmed and fighting for space in the small post office. Looking around, he also realized Fluffle Puff was no longer beside him.
"Wait, Fluffle Puff?!" Dan looked around. A bright, pink ball of fur, he found it hard to believe how often he and others lost track of her so easily all the time. "Fluffle Puff!"
The large pillow mare was conducting an investigation of her own. Over by the postage supplies, Fluffle was busy determining the taste and texture of each stamp. Finishing off a roll of pie-themed stamps, she tossed the remainder of them over her shoulder before reaching for another one.
"Fluffle Puff! What are you doing?" Dan shouted, spotting her.
"Blrbbbbth," Fluffle recoiled at the taste of another stamp. Okay, this is ridiculous. The cupcake ones don't taste like cupcakes, the orange ones don't taste like oranges, the banana cream pie ones don't taste ANYTHING like bananas, cream, pies, or ANY combination of the three. And yet, somehow the Hot Pocket ones do actually taste like Hot Pockets. What a ripoff.
Shoving his way out of the crowd, Dan made his way over to his puffy companion. All around her were used stamps, rolls covered in saliva and half-chewed envelopes. He stepped over and on a few of the ruined, discarded items. "Having some free samples, are we?"
The stamp-covered fluffy mair turned to him and said, with wide, sparkly, cute eyes, "Meep." You made me skip breakfast and I didn't want to eat lunch early. Also, none of this stuff takes like it's supposed to.
Dan took stock of Fluffle Puff's 'snacks' and let out an agitated sigh/groan. "If we have to pay for any of this stuff, I'm mailing you to a place you won't come back from."
"Pthhhp." Mail me to an amusement park. Or a waterpark. Wait... a waterpark IN an amusement park! NO! I've got it! An amusement park UNDERWATER! Yes! In space! And with a cake factory! And a chocolate-
Dan grabbed her by a stamp on the ear and dragged her away from the sales rack.
Hey! Ow, ow, wait! I haven't tried the strawberry ones yet!
"Let's get going before somepony mistakes you for packing peanuts," Dan said. With the crowd still arguing over deserts, there was no line at the counter any longer. Dan pulled Fluffle Puff with him all the way up to the service desk where an attendant waited. Although Dan hadn't noticed yet, said attendant wore an unamused expression that seemed to continue to lose amusement as the pair approached.
Dan released Fluffle Puff as he got to the counter, the large mare flopping to the floor like a beanbag chair made of hair. "Who do I talk to about your mail carriers?"
The attendant, a dark-brown stallion, blinked. "What is your question, sir?"
Dan shut his eyes hard and then opened them. "I just ASKED my question! WHO DO I TALK TO ABOUT YOUR MAIL CARRIERS?!"
The attendant closed his eyes for the duration of Dan's shouting. "What question is it you would LIKE TO ASK about our mail carriers, sir?" he clarified, his voice doing nothing to hide his irritation.
"I'd like to ask how your postal service is going to work after I've baked every last one of you into a pie!! I found a muffin in my mailbox and I want-"
"Derpy Hooves," the clerk said, cutting off Dan in the same tone as before.
"What was that?" Dan asked.
The attendant sighed. "Derpy Hooves, she does that."
"Does what?"
"She bakes muffins for ponies on her route."
Dan leaned over the counter. "Does she usually bake the MAIL into these muffins?!"
The stallion shrugged. "I don't know. You'd have to ask her."
"I DON'T WANT MY MAIL BAKED INTO MUFFINS!!" Dan shouted, not quite loud enough for the bold-italicized text I'm fond of for demonstrating Dan's vocal rage but pretty close.
"Oh," the apathetic attendant said, as if suddenly realizing something. "So, you're making a complaint?"
"YES! And I'm no-"
"You're going to have to speak to the help desk, it's over by deliveries," the stallion pointed him around the corner.
Dan looked to his left, past the ruined display to another area of the post office. "I thought I was in the line for the help desk!" he protested.
"No, this is the general information desk. You want general assistance over by deliveries receiving," he pointed again. "You're in the wrong line."
"Ngrrrrrrrrrrr..." Seething, Dan picked up Fluffle Puff again, this time by her side fluff and dragged her with him across the office. On the way, they passed the sales rack Fluffle Puff had used as a buffet. Or rather, they plowed through it, pushing through the items scattered on the floor. Fluffle somehow was cleared of all stamps by this action through the magic of cartoon scene transitioning. Cartoons: ignoring jump cuts since 1933.
Unlike the last attendant, the clerk at the desk next to the outgoing packages area had his back turned to them. He seemed to be occupied with a box at the foot of the shelves on the opposite side of the desk.
"Hello?" Dan announced his arrival. A second went by and the attendant didn't answer. "HELLO?! Are you going to answer me or not?!"
"I don't know!" the new clerk, a red donkey responded before turning to face him. "Is a brother even going to have TIME to answer his royal impatience?!"
"...wut?" Fluffle asked, dumbstruck.
"OH," the donkey exclaimed, throwing his hooves up, "I see how it is! You're too GOOD to wait for the black man to answer! You don't have any TIME for the black donkey! Black man can't even get a part in your My Little Pony crossover story! I see how it is! This is a messed-up world we're livin' in!"
"Wut..." Dan echoed at first. He shook his head, trying to process what this literal jackass just said. "But wait, we had Samule L. Jackson in the story. And Morgan Freeman was just in the last chapter!"
"OH," the donkey continued, almost ignoring the previous points, "so it's only the GOOD black actors you're allowing in this story. You're not willing to give any other proud, upstanding black man a start in fan fiction; it's just the GOOD ones you're interested in! What about Sinbad?!"
Dan was at a loss for words. "And... you are?"
"I'm Sendback!" the donkey replied angrily. "I'm actually a hardworking citizen, trying to be an upstanding member of my community, thank you very much."
"And this has WHAT to do with me being impatient with you?!"
Sendback practically reached out to prod Dan. "There's not a chance you'd be doing this to some white pony, some happy little blonde-maned, blue-eyed WHITE mare to answer all your questions with a happy, dimpled smile." The donkey brought his hooves together. "Oh, thank you so much for helping me, Mr. white man! You've been oh-so helpful, Mr. white man! You people make me sick!!"
"Ha," Dan actually got a chuckle out of the donkey's racist remarks. It lasted a moment before it was replaced by rage. He reached out and grabbed Sendback by the throat. "Listen, 'Mr. Upstanding Citizen.' I WOULD BE IMPATIENT WITH YOU CLOWNS IF I HAD TO COLOR YOU IN FIRST!!"
Sendback clutched Dan's hands, terrified. This was clearly the wrong time to play the race card.
Dan looked him in the eyes. "You're going to tell me where I can find the mare that baked my mail into a muffin. Now."
As fortune would have it, Sendback looked over Dan and saw something that was incredibly convenient. Clutching with his left hoof, he pointed with his right to the door. "The...there..."
"I'm back everypony!" Derpy announced her arrival as she burst through the door. The crowd, still squabbling, was but a dull background noise against the gray pegasus' cheery voice.
Dan looked over his shoulder to confirm it was her. He then turned back to Sendback and smiled. "Thank you." In a single motion, his grip released and the red donkey dropped to the floor. Dan turned around and was already heading in Derpy's direction.
"My... ugh, pleasure," Sendback said, climbing the counter to help himself stand again. He rubbed his throat as he got up and noticed the pink fluffy pony had something for him. He picked up a small card. "What is this?"
"Thbbb thbb thhbbbmmmthbbbrrbbmmthhhuth." Mail me to an amusement park.
It wasn't often Twilight had the living room all to herself but with Dan and Fluffle Puff out and Spike and Chrys upstairs playing Destiny on Xbox One, she decided a little extra space might benefit her reading. Besides, it's not likely she would have it for very long.
She was reading more about the spell that would return her to unicorn form. It was one of the oldest spells she'd ever encountered and odd magic at that. The spell in question didn't actually transform her back into something she was, more so it simply separated her from the magic that made her an alicorn. It was clear though that this would have the desired effect, just that it was a bit more complicated than even age magic.
Her suspicions had been correct: the book that contained the spell to change her back to a unicorn was the same one that had been tossed at her by a stranger that day Dan was made bald by Trixie. She'd nearly lost it with all the havoc done to the library recently but now, she was beginning to think that all these things might not be a coincidence. Which is another reason she sent Dan and Fluffle out of the house.
Twilight brushed her hoof over the face of the tome. Imprinted clearly on the face of the tome were the words ARCANE APOLOGY written in bold. Compared to the rest of the cover though, the words seemed out of place in their design. They were a darker, raised black, the kind of illumination a modern publishing company would affix while the rest of the front and back were a dull blue almost faded to gray. Why would an older book have a modern illustration on it?
She opened the book for the third time to the page in question, an entire section of the book simply called "Divine Displacement". Unlike her other spell books, this one didn't seem to be written for a general audience- it was more like a diary of some sort. Notes were scribbled in areas, some passages and select words were underlined and others crossed out. The illustrations were clear but sometimes vague and all the figures seemed to focus on another unicorn mare with a very short mane.
The one thing that was clear about the spell in question was that in order to separate the magic from her, it had to go somewhere. The spell that made her an alicorn, Starswirl's destiny cure-all was what had changed her into an alicorn. It was unlocking magic that had combined with the Elements of Harmony and the magic of friendship to choose her to embody, making Twilight a sort of conduit for this new magic. Unfortunately, Twilight's body hadn't been ready to accept this sort of advancement, which is why the wings weren't comfortable.
Like the title imprinted on the book, her wings felt out of place. The entire book seemed to deal with that subject, things that were out of place, going so far as even to detail magic as it related to humans and other species. Each spell was a way of reversing, reverting or correcting something that had been altered some way... even if that way was by design.
Twilight had a very strong feeling that whoever wrote this book was trying to change something, to fix something horrible that had been done to them or somepony close to them. A fate worse than death. What other reason would a pony have to play god?
Twilight closed the book again, finally deciding what she would do. As the spell had detailed, she would need a place for the excess magic to go. The Destiny Cure had made her the conduit for this magic but it had also made it unbalanced. It was a subtle difference, one easily compensated for but she could bring things back into balance by making a quick calibration.
Using the Displacement spell, she could make it so each element was a way the magic of friendship could be channeled, an equalizer of sorts. Each element would have the ability to summon the others and the destiny magic that embodied Twilight would be shared. The excess amount of magic caused by the cure-all would be absorbed by the elements themselves, making them stronger. In theory.
She set the book in the center of the carpet on the floor, taking a deep breath to prepare for what she was about to do. Using her wings one last time, she flew the couch to the closet where the Elements of Harmony were kept. She reached out for the door knob but unfortunately couldn't stop herself, slamming into the closet door just a bit rougher than intended. One more reason she shouldn't have had the wings so early.
As she was about to open the door, another door opened, the front door.
"Thbbbbbbbbbbbbrmmmmmmmmm!!" Fluffle Puff ran through the living room on her hind legs, forelegs spread in imitation of a plane.
"Twilight!" Dan shouted, following after her. "No time to talk! We're borrowing your helicopter!"
"I-okay," Twilight responded a tad too quickly. "Wait, I have helicopter?!"
"We have a helicopter," Dan corrected as he passed her. "It's in the hangar next to the Fluffmobile." The human followed the puffball mare as they opened a door at the foot of the staircase and exited the living room.
Twilight turned around, now wondering what was up, or what was going up. "Wait, Dan- when did we get a helicopter?" She dashed over to the door and opened it. Beyond was a hallway that definitely hadn't been there before. Adjoining rooms lined the corridor each with a sign above it indicated what was beyond. The hangar was second on the right next to the armory. Further down were a set of elevators though Twilight could only guess where they lead.
The purple pony shook her head in disbelief. "Where did this come from? When did we get a hangar?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HOUSE?!!"
"Exactly what you'd have done if it had been your idea," Dan said with a smile. He patted his distressed friend's mane and then dashed back down the hallway to the hangar.
Twilight slammed her eyes shut, then the door. "IF IT HAD BEEN MY IDEA, I'D HAVE HAD MY HEAD EXAMINED!!"
Even though they had only been completed a couple days ago, the modifications to the Golden Oaks library, or GORAD as Dan now called it, were already ready for use by all members of the household. Dan, Chrys, Twilight and Fluffle Puff all had access to the new additions Dan had made to the house, though Spike's permissions were restricted for obvious mare-obsessed-baby-dragon-related reasons.
Chrys had insisted that there be a "private planning room" for just she and Dan to use... and maybe Twilight and Fluffle if they swung that way. Maybe. Seriously, you try being a being that can literally be anypony for a thousand years and not get bored with the same "planning" as easily. That might've been why Chrys was so interested in "making plans" with Dan but really, she knew herself better than that. Even though she'd just recently learned how to really feel love, she still felt something special for Dan. Despite the tracking systems, she knew Dan had no idea which is why she'd suggested somewhere private for them to discuss it.
And Dan had declined. He did, however, set up a separate room for some kind of device called the "WOPR" near the war room, adjacent to Mr. Coffee and Mr. Radar. Some kind of contraption he'd ordered off of Amazon that was supposed to plan for global thermonuclear war but all it really did was want to play chess. Never got his name right either; the thing kept calling him Professor Falken and called itself something else. If only Dan had known the full extent of Magic Gear then, he probably wouldn't have taken a sledgehammer to it after 'Joshua' had beaten him at tic-tac toe for the third time. Or maybe he still would have.
"Thmmmmmmmmmthmmthmthmthm!!" Fluffle Puff circled the purple chopper sitting in the hangar bay, eager to takeoff.
Dan hit a button on the wall by the entrance next to the dimmer switch. Because EVERY light needs a dimmer switch. A split in the ceiling formed and two massive roof panels began to retract, opening up to a blue sky above. Along with Fluffle, he piled in to the small, two-seat purple helicopter shaped oddly like Twilight's head with eyes for windows.
While it wasn't the only vehicle in the hangar, the Fluffmobile was more of a go kart Fluffle had painted pick and attached glitter and fluff to. Apart from that, the Y-Wing was only a one-seater, the A-Team's van was up on blocks after Hannibal's last stunt with it and Dan hadn't taken his Delorean to 2015 Hill Valley to get it hover-converted yet. But it was on his list of things. Or list of movie references, whatever was funnier.
Dan's preflight checklist involved him pressing a button next to the yolk marked "ON" above a similarly labeled off button. In an instant, the rotors began to spin, papers and loose items scattered around the hangar floor began to flutter away and the Twilicopter gained lift.
"You strapped in, Fluffle?" Dan asked his copilot.
"Thbb," Fluffle replied.
Dan looked over to confirm that Fluffle Puff was secure. And she was. Upside down. He shrugged. "Good enough. Let's go!"
From the second window, Chrys and Spike were too busy arguing over something in Destiny to notice their friends flying away in a purple Twilight-themed helicopter. Twilight herself was busy having a nervous breakdown throughout the different parts of her newly-renovated library, opening doors and gasping in shock/awe of what lay beyond. Until she found Spike's shrine to Rarity. Although the massive, sculpted marble statue captured Rarity's likeness in the same magnitude of Michael Angelo's David, Twilight honestly had seen it coming.
The Twilicopter soared over Ponyville as easily as a Pegasus taking flight. In fact, several did, because Dan's aggressive piloting nearly saw them plowed by the small craft's blades. Dan flew through clouds, over buildings and completed a loop around the town, satisfied with his flying.
For some reason, the chopper's easy controls reminded Dan of his car back on Earth, one of the few things he missed. Unfortunately, it had been impounded shortly before the plane trip to Canada that would see him transported to Equestria. But with his own helicopter, why would he ever need to drive again? Dan had actually assembled the Twilicopter himself after mailing in the necessary box tops and waiting 4-6 weeks. Now, the thought of the next thing he ordered by mail being baked into a muffin propelled him to Clousdale, to Derpy Hooves.
The location of Cloudsdale was never exact; like a satellite, the floating city was in constant motion in the skies overhead though this was by design rather than by nature. Because of the pegasi's constant need to monitor and control weather activity, Cloudsdale moved throughout the day based on the position of the sun. On a "Sunny" day, the city would begin in the South and then circle around Ponyville as if moved by the hands of an enormous clock and would spin so that it always faced Canterlot. If the day called for another form of weather like rain or snow, the city's course would shift accordingly to deliver or provide support for the intended weather operation. All under the control of the pegasi, and by extension, the Princesses.
It didn't take long for Dan to find Cloudsdale. Even without a compass and general knowledge, pegasi were always traveling to and from the cloud town creating a supply line in the sky. Dan spotted the city at the same altitude it always was at and began moving towards its position.
Barreling towards the city, Dan thought it would be fun to buzz the rooftops one more time.
"What do you say we wake the neighbors?"
"Thrrrb." I was actually hoping for an Airwolf reference but hey, I'll settle for GTA.
Dan grinned and tilted the controls forward. The Twilicopter blew past several houses and Miss Cheerilee's schoolhouse, blowing the flag of Equestria around the pole. Unfortunately, Dan didn't notice a certain group of fillies playing in he schoolyard, one of them using a loopty hoop.
"No, it's like this!" Applebloom tried to demonstrate even though her friends still had the hoop.
"You're doing it wrong!" Scootaloo argued.
Sweetie Belle squeezed the metal ring, not sure what to make of it. "Let me try something!"
"No! You're gunna break it!" Applebloom grabbed it.
"Get off!"
Inevitably, they squeezed the ring and it got away from them. Being a light material, it didn't take much to send it flying and flying it went. The Cutie Mark Crusaders followed it in the air with their eyes, waiting for it to fall back to the ground. And it would have if a certain purple helicopter hadn't been flying dangerously low to the ground that very moment.
"What the-"
"THRRBB!" Don't fly through it; it's not a checkpoint!
It wasn't space and it wasn't a Star Fox reference so flying into the silver ring did nothing but knock their rotors out of alignment and send them into a tailspin. The metal ring ricocheted off the Twilicopter's blades and landed on the flagpole.
"Ringer!" Sweetie Belle said.
"Nice one!" Scootaloo remarked. The three fillies capped hooves.
But in the cockpit of the Twilicopter, Dan and Fluffle Puff were anything but celebrating.
"THBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB!!!!!" You three little stooges! You might as well say 'cutie mark crusaders small aircraft disaster yay!'
Somewhere by a pool in Station Square, Sonic the Hedgehog had his own comment to make: "Watch out! You're gonna crash! Ahhh!"
Dan fought the controls as alarms blared in the cockpit. Fluffle Puff came unbound from her restraints and began bouncing about the enclosed space like rubber ball. The world spun as the Twilicopter lost altitude, falling out of the sky with all the grace of a bird shot in midair.
And at that same time, Wub Way was experiencing a slow period. Octavia was taking the time to clean the outside windows while her friend and hetero lifemate Jay Vinyl Scratch cleaned the inside.
"Hey! Hey, Tavi!" Vinyl called from inside the store.
Frowning, Octavia looked up from her cleaning to answer Vinyl. "What?"
Vinyl took a deep breath and pressed her muzzle against the glass. She blew hard and her eyes went wide, making faces in the glass. "Aw uhn alien!"
Octavia sighed heavily. "You realize you're making more work for us to do, right?!"
The white unicorn removed her face from the glass. "What's wrong, Tavi?" she snickered. "I thought you said the windows should be so clean you could see your face in them!"
"But that was YOUR face, Vinyl," she reminded her best friend.
Vinyl shrugged. "Well, I was doing my best alien impression."
Octavia facehooved for the third time that day. Little did she know, the fourth was right around the corner. Or rather, eighteen feet above her and falling rapidly. She would've known if she'd looked down to see the shadow growing at her hooves.
The Twilicopter crashed through the ceiling of Wub Way, demolishing both the vehicle and the building in an instant. Shelves of CDs and ipods were knocked over, lights and panels from the roof exploded and fell to the floor. Dan and Fluffle Puff bailed out of the chopper or were thrown from it, two airbags deploying just after the crash.
"WHAT THE BUCK?!" Vinyl shouted.
"SWEET CELESTIA'S NON-CANON MOTHER!" Octavia screamed. The two mares jumped out of the wreckage, retreating to safe distance.
Slowly, the rotating blades of the Twilicopter spun to a halt. The chopper hung from the ceiling like a fish on a spear, drooping from the damage it had suffered on impact. Sparks and flames marked the edges of the hole in the ceiling and on the rotor as Dan and Fluffle walked towards the entrance.
"Wha... what did you two do?!!" Octavia asked, stunned.
"Thrmmbbrbb," Fluffle said back. We landed.
"Dan- hey wait!" Vinyl called after the two as they walked past them. "What the hay are you gonna do about our store?!"
Dan didn't even turn back. "I'm going to get a new helicopter from Hay Mart. Or ask Twilight for the wing spell, whichever comes first. If you both recall, YOU TWO are the reason we had to fix the library over the past couple episodes." He cast a glance over his shoulder at them. "So now we're even. If you want my insurance information, it's in the glove compartment."
The two distraught mares walked out of their destroyed store, slack-jawed. The two watched as the pilots of the downed vehicle just walked away and they realized there was nothing they could do to stop them.
Slowly, Vinyl turned back to the front of Wub Way. "Hey, at least the windows are still clean."
Octavia was about to remark on that fact when the Twilicopter exploded.
BABOOOOOM!!!
While the blast wasn't powerful enough to hurt Vinyl or Octavia, it was strong enough to shatter the windows at the front of the store. The two mares retreated into the street as their building collapsed in front of them into a burning pile of music and music playing devices.
"Oh," Dan shouted back at them from down the street, "and don't ask Flim and Flam to help you fix that."
Having located another helicopter, Dan and Fluffle resumed their trip to Cloudsdale without delay. Dan did ask Twilight about using the wing spell to get there but then Twilight asked where the Twilicopter was. And Dan had left quietly after that, neither of them receiving an answer to either of their questions. Dan and Fluffle then quickly went to Hay Mart where they bought another quick-assemble helicopter. Somepony in front of them in line used their membership card for them saving Dan 15% on his purchase.
Soon after taking flight, the city of Cloudsdale was before them. They experienced significantly less shenanigans than their previous allowing them to travel unhindered.
Dan had actually been to Cloudsdale before though he hadn't known it. He passed by, or rather through, the city on his way into Equestria over three years ago. It just so happened Rainbow Dash had been flying around the city and spotted the young man plummeting to his doom that allowed her to intervene and save him. Shortly after meeting him, Twilight had given him the cloud walking spell in the event that anything like that ever happened again. For once, a little magical preparation paid off.
There were landing pads for vehicles in Cloudsdale but not in the central square where Dan was landing. Pegasi had to dodge Dan's chopper as it touched down in the middle of town, sitting its struts into the cloudy surface as he and Fluffle Puff disembarked.
"Now to find where our local gourmet mail maker lives," Dan said, hopping out.
Fluffle Puff gasped as her hooves hit the clouds. Every. Thing. Is. Fluffy. WHY DO I NOT LIVE HERE?
Dan looked around, searching for any sign of the Pegasus perpetrator. Cloudsdale was primarily divided between the residential area and the industrial area; the location of pegasi and other flying creatures' homes and where they created and regulated weather respectively. Dan and Fluffle had managed to land on the hub that connected both areas, a central wheel of cloudy road that also led to the stadium and training areas.
"Where should we start looking?" Dan asked his fluffy accomplice.
While hopping about, Fluffle noticed a layout of the town near the center of the square. "Pbthh." Hey Dan, there's a map over-
"If I was a Pegasus delivering mail... and muffins, where would I be?" Dan asked himself.
"Pbthh pbtth!" Fluffle pointed to the map and waved at Dan, trying to get his attention.
The pale human turned his attention away, still deep in thought. "There's no bakery in Equestria that would allow a letter to be baked into something, except for Pinkie but she signs all of her deserts when she makes them. So it can't be her... which means, the muffin Derpy delivered to us had to have been homemade."
"Thbbb? Thbb thrbb thuub!" Dan? Hello, Dan? Over here! This map even shows right where Der-
"So if it's a homemade muffin," Dan continued, "she probably has a lot of other baking supplies at her house. Flour, eggs, yeast and ovens. Now, most of that stuff she can get from Ponyville but an oven that can reach the heat to bake something at this altitude would need special parts..."
"THHHHUUUUUUUUUB!!" DAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
"Which means," Dan started pacing, "she'd need to go to some kind of repair shop every now and then, and being a mail mare it would probably be one with a catalogue. And if I know my appliance stores, I know the only one that has a catalogue and might have the parts for that kind of specialty equipment would be Hay Mart, like the one we were just at," Dan surmised. "If only we'd gotten a catalogue. Oh well. Fluffle Puff! Back in the chopper, we're going back to Hay Mart."
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrr," Fluffle growled. I really hate being the mute sidekick sometimes. She trotted over to Dan, grabbed him by the sides of his head and pointed him to the map.
"Oh hey, a map," Dan remarked.
Fluffle facehooved.
The human approached the town layout in the center of the square, taking a moment to determine where he was first. As Dan studied the map, Fluffle Puff's attention span depleted and she began rolling about on the clouds.
"All right, it looks like she's on the east side of town. We have a good chance of finding her if we cut down center street and then take a sky taxi to the houses on the edge of town," Dan thought aloud, rubbing his chin as he formed his plan.
Wheee!! Fluffle had managed to wrap herself in cloud and continued rolling back and fourth while Dan was engrossed. IT'S SOFTER THAN I AM! I MUST HAVE IT ALL!
Before Dan was done examining the map, he noticed the words Cloudsdale- Semper Aegis Caelum printed in bold at the top of the layout. Although curious, he didn't pay the phrase much thought as he turned to see Fluffle Puff playing.
"Fluffle Puff..." Dan began, his voice a tad stern.
"Thbb?" Yes, Dan? Fluffle stopped rolling, leaving her upside down and covered in white with only her head poking out.
Rather than get mad or frustrated at Fluffle's lack of seriousness, Dan broke out into a smile. "It's a good thing Twilight hit us with the cloud walking spell before we got here. Otherwise, you'd probably be on your way back to Ponyville now."
Fluffle gasped and giggled in agreement. Then, she suddenly stopped. "Thbbb thpp thmm." But you know, something's bothering me.
"What's that?" Dan asked, somehow understanding her.
"Thmm thngg thmm thbb thbb thbb," Fluffle sputtered. If we're able to walk up here because of the cloud walking spell, how is the helicopter still staying up?
"Huh. We'll maybe it's because-" Dan was about to suggest something when the helicopter chimed in with a suggestion of its own. Or rather, its tail slowly dipped into the clouds and the vehicle dropped like a stone through the city street. With no one at the controls, the helicopter plummeted back down to Equestria's surface.
Dan pinched his eyes shut. "Why? WHY DOES IT SEEM that EVERYTHING in this world makes sense ONLY WHEN IT WANTS TO?! It's like magic makes sense one second and then conveniently makes NO SENSE just to PISS ME OFF!!"
The helicopter continued falling from the sky, tumbling end over end as it did so. Being as Ponyville was directly underneath Cloudsdale, there was only one place for it to fall to.
"OH, I see how it is!" Sendback yelled over the phone. His voice echoed through the empty Ponyville post office. "I see EXACTLY how it is! You're gonna put the black man on hold, aren't ya? You're gonna put the hardworking BLACK donkey on hold so you can go talk to the other little WHITE equines. I see how it is!"
The voice on the other end had long since cutout to be replaced by hold music, coincidentally the theme of Friendship is Magic.
"You'd NEVER do this if I was a white donkey! If I was a white ANYTHING, you would've been more than happy to take my call! 'Oh, how can we help you Mr. White Man? Would you like express service, Mr. White Man? If it had been ANYPONY else, you would've flown in here like I was-"
KABOOOOOOOOM!! The helicopter plunged through the rough of the post office, destroying everything in the center of the building, knocking over displays, showering everything in sparks, smoke and flames but once again miraculously harming not a single living thing.
Slowly, Sendback got up from behind his desk, now holding a disconnected phone in his right hoof. "I'm gonna have to call you back," he said into the phone. "Black man needs to call his insurance agent."
Far above Ponyville, Dan and Fluffle remained oblivious of the havoc below. "Great. Now we're going to have to find another way safely back to the ground AFTER we find Derpy. So… where do we start?"
"Thmmmm…" Fluffle rubbed her chin. Maybe we should find a map or-
"Hey, you guys flying," Dan stopped a pair of pegasi. "You two know where I can find a mail mare?"
The first one, an orange stallion pegasus with a white chest, black hooves, a brown mane and white wings with a red stripe in the middle pointed over behind him. "Derpy just came by this way, if you're looking for her."
"Did she miss a delivery?" the pony behind him asked.
"No, she missed a deliverer. Me. But I'm here to correct that mistake," Dan said in a hostile voice.
"I see," the orange pony said, apparently picking up some of Dan's displeasure. "And who is this you're with?"
"Thbb-thbb!" EVERYTHING IS FLUFFY! She rolled off of a cloud-shaped ramp and through a cloud column, disrupting its architecture.
Dan pointed a thumb over his shoulder. "That's Fluffle Puff, the incarnation of a hurricane of snuggly fluff. I'm Dan, part-time delivery guy and royal guard captain."
"I'm Commander Edge Antares," the orange pegasus said. His cutie mark was a series of bolts pointing upward at a diagonal angle like arrows racing into the sky. "This is my wing pony, Lieutenant West Chancing. We're with the Equestrian Air Patrol. We keep watch on the borders and take care of any unauthorized traffic in or out of Equestria. Mostly we deal with griffon pirates to the west or fake donkey insurance agents to the south."
The other stallion, a yellow pony with a blue mane, winked at the two of them. "Yub yub, guys. Welcome to Cloudsdale."
"You may want to watch your step around here, captain," Edge said, his voice in a warning tone. "The Storm Enclave's really tightened up on security since the incident at Canterlot a couple weeks ago. They're not really fond of surface dwellers coming to Cloudsdale unannounced."
"I appreciate the heads up," Dan said. "Since you're a commander, would you be able to straighten out any, shall we say, inconveniences while I'm up here?"
Edge shrugged. "We would but we'd also have to report you right now. Which would mean we'd have to escort you to the main office right now to register your arrival. Which would waste time."
"And your mail mare would be further away," West added.
Dan nodded, understanding what the two ponies were saying. "I gotcha."
Edge smiled. "Since my wing pony and I were about to head out on patrol, it wouldn't make sense to report this sighting now and possibly be late for our very-important reconnaissance. So, I'll have to ask both of you to take care of that yourselves while you're here."
"I understand, sir," Dan said with a resolute grin. It was clear the two other ponies were letting them off so that they could continue their business undeterred. It wasn't often Dan found a pony like him but he was happy to meet one. "Thank you, Commander Antares. Best of luck on your patrol."
"Likewise, Captain Dan," Edge said, saluted and flew off with his wing pony.
"I like those guys," Dan said. "Unfortunately, I'm just now remembering we didn't ask him where we could find another helicopter. Not that the magic keeping it up would probably last long enough for us to fly it home. It would probably fade just as soon as we got there," he sighed. "Why does magic never work?"
"Thpp!" Fluffle ran over and grabbed Dan by the shoulders. Don't say that, Dan! Magic DOES work!
"Yeah?" Dan asked. "Tell me that when you come up with a spell to find Derpy Hooves."
Fluffle's eyes narrowed. From her utility fluff, she retrieved her toy unicorn horn and tied it around her forehead.
"Ha," Dan laughed. "What are you going to do with that? Is Derpy magnetic now and that horn is part of a compass? What good do you think that'll do?"
Fluffle grinned. "Pbhhhbb." This.
"Hey, wai- what are you doing?!?" The fluffy pony picked up Dan, put him on her back and began hopping down the street to Derpy's house.
"Wait! I can walk on my own!" Dan pleaded, helplessly stuck to Fluffle's back somehow. Tilting his head back, he soon saw how they would reach the residential area of town. "NO! NOT THE RAINBOWS!"
"THBBBB!!" Yes, the rainbows!
"No!"
YUS!
The residential area of Cloudsdale was usually a bustle of activity, similar to the streets of Ponyville and Canterlot. Unlike her sister cities, however, Cloudsdale didn't see a lot of vehicle traffic, but for some reason, today the streets had been cordoned off. A crowd of pegasi, the majority of those that lived and worked in the city, had assembled in the streets for some kind of demonstration. While many hadn't known what they were going to see when they first approached, most of them were now too captivated by the strange lab coat-wearing, brown earth pony that dominated the stage. They watched in awe as he walked on his two metal back legs and gestured with two equally metal-looking claws on his front hooves.
From the moment he started speaking, Vice Grip knew he had them eating out of the palms of his steel hands. "Cloudsdale cares about the future," he proclaimed to the crowd. "Each and every one of you, pegasi who create the weather, who control the atmosphere, who regulate our very environment, of all the creatures who live in Equestria, it is all of YOU who care about the future of our world the most."
Many didn't know what to think of his speech, many talked amongst themselves, a few agreed. Unlike crowds in Ponyville, dozens of pegasi hovered above the others, creating a layered-audience that even veteran public speakers might find daunting. But Vice showed no signs of nervousness. No matter how high or how low they were, he spoke to them like he was on their level. When he thought quite the opposite.
"Earth ponies like myself know how important your contributions are," he held his gauntlet over his heart. "Together, our three races have held our nation up for centuries. But my friends, there are storms on the horizon and it is not the farmers or the arcanists who can see them coming. No, my fellow ponies, it is you."
Silence fell over the crowd. All eyes were glued now on the pony who was on the stage.
"Pegasi are the ones who give us the weather, Pegasi are the ones that clear the skies, Pegasi are that ones that make it rain, make it snow and make it so that the sun can truly shine!"
Pegasi cheered, hollered and applauded as the stranger complemented them. What Vice was saying was true and slowly, a sense of pride began to overtake some of the skeptics in the audience.
"But, there are some things you can't control," Vice's tone turned serious. "Rogue storms. Natural disasters. Fires, earthquakes, renegade weather, giant monsters, pestilence, famine and disease. These problems have plagued Equestria in the past and for all you do for us on the surface, there are some things, sadly, that you cannot predict. Things that you cannot see coming and when they arrive... you cannot stop them."
The cheering died and the crowd became silent again. Once more, Vice spoke the truth. Indeed, many pegasi were troubled by their inability to control some natural disasters. Hurricanes, tornadoes, storms of all kinds that cropped up now and then, they slipped by the pegasi. It was the pegasi's responsibility to control the weather so when a rogue storm caused damage, it was the fault of the winged ones. Every one of them that could've done something.
From the day it was founded by Commander Hurricane, Cloudsdale had been envisioned as more of a military installation rather than a city. Although she had been reluctant to cooperate with the other tribes at first, the leader of the pegasi oversaw the construction and completion of Cloudsdale during her time. Commander Hurricane designed the city to be a flying fortress that monitored and controlled every air current, everything that attempted to get off the ground from birds to balloons. Her motto had been "Aegis Semper Caelum"- Defend Always our Skies. Many pegasi today still believed in Hurricane's vision.
"However," Vice suddenly announced, "my friends, I'm happy to tell you that you aren't the only ones who have been planning for the future. My organization, Future Integrations Stable-Tec or FIST, is right now at this very moment working hard to bring us all a brighter future today!"
The blue curtains on the stage behind Vice Grip pulled back to reveal several other ponies, all pegasi. They all wheeled various contraptions and components onto the stage: one appeared to be a suit of armor, another some kind of transparent globe mounted on top of a clock and another one looked like a mechanical parasprite- only about five times the size of a normal parasprite.
Lightning Claw glared at the crowd as he pushed out the Mk-1 Hailstorm Power Armor suit. It had been a while since he'd found himself in Cloudsdale and wasn't too keen on coming back after the accident. And he hadn't been the only one Vice had requested come with him to Cloudsdale; other pegasi were already there when Claw had arrived, setting up for the demonstration. He hadn't seen any of these ponies before but they weren't apparently part of FIST. They were something else entirely.
Vice took the center stage as his inventions were carted forward. A sea of wide eyes was accompanied by crashing waves of "oohs" and "ahhs" as the pegasi gazed at the spectacles. Like moths drawn to a flame, the winged citizens of Cloudsdale came closer to the stage, filling out the space around it quickly.
"Imagine all the problems of today as things of the past. Imagine a world where controlling the weather is as easy as flapping your own wings. With the flick of a hoof, you can now control any cloud, make it go anywhere and produce any type of weather at any time," Vice decreed. "Sounds like a thing of the future, right?" he asked the crowd. Then with a grin, answered his own question. "Exactly."
Claw hadn't been briefed on what would happen at the demonstration. As usual, he'd been told to show up and then he'd been told to carry things. With FIST, he'd learned to expect the unexpected but even he was surprised when Vice stepped to the side as another pony took the stage.
A light-green Pegasus mare with an odd-looking short-cut fiery mane stepped forward. Her cutie mark appeared to be a coiled spring with a lightning ball on top of it, almost like the contraption Vice kept referring to as a Tesla coil. From her own cart full of prototype innovations, she withdrew some kind of cuff-like object and slipped it over her right foreleg. It attached around with an audible clack. From his vantage point, Lightning Claw couldn't see very well but he could tell she was manipulating something on it.
"Captain Springer of Cloudsdale's very own Storm Enclave has agreed to demonstrate our latest creation for weather control- the ClipBuck!" Vice announced.
Officially, the Storm Enclave was a group that administered flight training to young pegasi, griffons and other creatures with wings, monitored air traffic in Cloudsdale and provided security and protection for the various citizens of Equestria from the upper atmosphere to the surface. Unofficially, they were an organization founded by Commander Hurricane herself with the goal of keeping Equestria, and the pegasi especially, prepared in the event of an invasion or attack. While most pegasi didn't know the full extent of the Enclave's purpose, more than a few were a part of it, including some that didn't live in Cloudsdale.
Convincing an army to simply lay down their arms and become civilians was difficult at best, almost impossible and prone to starting violent conflict at the worst. When Commander Hurricane agreed to unite her tribe with the other two during the founding of Equestria, she had also been asked by the other tribe leaders to disband the army every Pegasus was a part of. Having just overcome a famine through friendship, discovered a new land with which to live in and relying on the other tribes to survive, Commander Hurricane and her tribe were in no position to debate.
Commander Hurricane had been more than reluctant at first. Without armed forces, they left their new, fledgling nation of Equestria vulnerable to attack. But the other tribe leaders convinced her that if the threat of war came, the ponies would protect their world together, united. It was settled. For most, anyway.
The crowd backed away as Captain Springer approached the edge of the stage. "Since we pegasi first started to control the weather, we've had to use our hooves. Telekinesis, levitation, magic that could help us move the clouds has always been something beyond our reach," she addressed the crowd in a serious tone. Satisfied with the settings, the captain raised her hoof and pointed it at a cloud just above a rooftop.
"Today, that changes!" With a downward twitch of her hoof, she launched a blue disk-shaped pulse from the side of her ClipBuck. It cut through the sky with a warbling swish. The wayward cloud was struck, glowing blue for only a second before returning to normal. Dazzled and more than a little startled, the crowd eyed the target in anticipation. Not even Lightning Claw knew what would happen next but Vice Grip did.
The captain keyed the controls of the ClipBuck, typing in the commands. "Now, every cloud can be controlled with just the push of a button," she explained. Using the ClipBuck as a remote control, she made the cloud fly over the pegasi just in front of the stage. She made it do tricks, loops all as easy as controlling a remote control car or plane. Ponies watched in amazement as she pointed and the cloud obeyed her. It was science fiction come to life.
"That's not all! If we're short of rain clouds we need for a forecast," she keyed in a different set of commands. Pegasi watched as the white cloud turned grey. "With a ClipBuck, we can now change one type of cloud to another to suit our needs! No more looking for the right cloud for the job when every one of them can be made to do anything we need!" Instantly, the cloud started raining, showering the crowd. Pegasi opened their mouths to catch the rain, refreshing themselves while others hid their manes for fear of getting wet.
Vice Grip stepped back towards the middle of the stage. "Rain, sleet, snow, hail, the ClipBuck never fails to deliver the weather you need. Even lightning and cyclones can all be controlled with a single shot!" The crowd applauded, clapping their hooves rather than stomping the clouds underneath them. "And because it controls the size of the cloud, there's no chance of accidentally creating a major weather hazard. Safety is FIST's and the Storm Enclave's number-one priority!"
Tapping the screen again, Captain Springer changed the cloud back to its regular form. The only thunder to be heard came from the audience who cheered her on. Allowing herself a rare smile, the Enclave captain took a short bow before stepping back from the edge of the stage.
"Very nice," Vice announced. "Let's give it up for Captain Springer demonstrating the new ClipBuck!" He joined in, applauding her by clapping with his own metal gauntlets.
She turned back to the crowd, her smile diminishing fast as her expression returned to its normal serious tone.
Upon the founding of Equestria and the creation of Cloudsdale, Commander Hurricane ended generations of military tradition by removing her helmet and abolishing the Grand Pegasus Army as an institution. But changing her tribe's way of life was not that easy. Every Pegasus had been a soldier, a warrior and defender of a nation as wild and free as the sky itself. The pegasi were a nation of ponies determined to tame the sky for all. Many nearly refused to lay down their arms, to abandon their way of life for something new even if it was peace.
Secretly, Commander Hurricane founded the Storm Enclave as a way to preserve the pegasi's military culture. Cloudsdale was crafted to be the ultimate defense, the first line of defense for Equestria and new generations of pegasi would be trained to protect it. The pegasi's way of life was shifted from defense of the borders to management of the skies, from military dominance to industrial regulation. Slowly, the winged ponies adapted to the new challenge and the Storm Enclave eased that transition by continuing to give pegasi military training and equipment. The spirit of the Grand Pegasus Army lived on as the Storm Enclave.
But the Enclave never forgot its true purpose. To provide Equestria with a better defense than the one it had, to protect their skies and their lands from the storm whenever it arrived. Commander Hurricane's words, "Aegis Semper Caelum" were taught to every pegasi whether they were born on the ground or in the skies. And if anything happened to Cloudsdale or Equestria, the Enclave would move in to administer and establish swift control over all the land. By any means necessary.
"Good job, Green," Lightning Claw whispered to Captain Springer. She shot him a gruff glance, an indecipherable expression only years of military training, drills and discipline could create. The experimental Pegasus just shrugged back at her.
Pleased, Vice Grip chose that moment to bestow some praise on one of his newest associates when a pony from the crowd interrupted him.
"Can it make rainbows?" a Pegasus by the stage asked.
Hesitant, Vice turned around.
"The clippy-thing, can it make rainbows?" he asked again. Already, pegasi in the audience harped on that question and curiosity spread through the assembly like wildfire. Excited murmurs and skeptical conversation grew loud as Vice struggled to think of an answer.
"This is just a prototype," Vice explained. "We're still developing the ClipBuck and doing our best to meet the needs of every pegasi. Designing new forms and new types of weather is on the table but we're working on one model at a time, thank you."
The crowd's in-talking continued, some satisfied with the answer, others not. It had been an oversight on his part, not adding controls to produce rainbows. At this point, Vice wasn't even sure if he could without the proper materials. He began to feel nervous as the audience's doubt pressed in on him.
And that was when Captain Springer stepped forward. "The ClipBuck is designed to help pegasi better manage the weather on an individual scale," she declared. "The factories and plants of Cloudsdale still create the weather, rainbows included. Make no mistake; we need devices like the ones FIST is making to better control the skies and protect against rogue storms. We NEED this, Cloudsdale. It's something that could benefit us all."
Vice breathed a sigh of relief. It seemed her words had won over more than a few. His new ally was resourceful, something he was very thankful for. Vice Grip needed ponies like Springer if his future for Equestria could ever be realized. Maybe even the entire Enclave.
Privately, Captain Springer had her own reasons for wanting Equestria to change. Not every Pegasus was part of the Enclave even if they were trained by them. Only elite Pegasus or those with exceptional skill were permitted to join, ponies like Springer. Being part of the almost-secret organization meant preparing for a storm that might never come, the threat of war on the horizon they couldn't see. But to Captain Springer, the storms were already here.
"There will be time for questions after the demonstration; let's carry on, shall we?" Vice motioned to the assembly. "Now, another feature of the ClipBuck we want to talk to you about is called the 'Optically Assisted Target Evaluation System' or O.A.T.E.S, for short. With this system and the appropriate number of action points you can...-"
Springer let Vice have the floor again. She herself watched to make sure every eye followed him as he explained. Hopefully, enough of them would understand how important these innovations were, how much they needed them.
Nightmare Moon's return, Discord's return, the Changeling's return, Equestria had been besieged by many threats already, many of which Springer believed could've been stopped, even averted if the proper response had been given. The princesses relied on magic to solve their problems even when it CAUSED many of their problems. There HAD to be a better way. Magic they only barely understood was supposed to protect them? The idea was laughable. No, there were so many problems that a military response could've solved already, threats that could've been ended before they caused real damage. If the Pegasus Army had been intact, that is.
Captain Springer looked out into the crowd, to the ponies she'd sworn to protect. They deserved her loyalty, not the magic-users and cultists on the ground that constantly blundered into things and endangered the whole world, not the princesses who did nothing, who sat complacent on their thrones waiting for magic to provide an answer. If Commander Hurricane was here, she would marshal the ponies in times of hardship. Commander Hurricane would've defeated Nightmare Moon with an army of pegasi, she would've ended Discord's resurgent reign and rid the sky of chaos through direct and decisive control, she would've blown the changelings out of Canterlot with a storm the likes of which Equestria had never seen.
But Commander Hurricane wasn't here. And Springer was just a captain.
The demonstration was about to continue when the crowd started to shift. Something behind them and down another street was drawing their attention. Pegasi shifted their heads and turned around to see what the commotion was about.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" Dan's wail drew the assembly's attention as Fluffle Puff dragged him into view.
Fluffle Puff herself was still in delight as she bolted down the alley, running as fast as her fluffy legs could carry her. She hadn't been able to find rainbows to dance on but had in fact found some rainbow-colored wallpaper. Trying to imitate Rainbow Dash now, Dan had become entangled when the fluffy mare ran off with them.
"What is that?" the pegasi began to wonder at the spectacle behind them.
"Sure is loud."
"Is this part of the demonstration?"
"No," Vice Grip answered, not loud enough for any of the audience to hear him. His eyes narrowed as he fixated on the two new arrivals disrupting his presentation. "It's Dan."
"Dan?" Lightning Claw asked. "What's he doing here?"
Vice spun around. "I don't know but we can't let him recognize you. Get out of sight- now."
Rather than risk attempting a spell, Lightning Claw took that moment to duck behind the curtains of the stage. Humans may have been backwards and primitive but Dan wasn't an idiot. Lightning Claw had attacked him and though he didn't know he was involved with FIST, if he saw them together, it wouldn't be long before he made the connection. Vice needed more time.
Captain Springer looked through the crowd of pegasi, over the ones standing and past the ones flying to see what they were looking at. "That pale thing? That's Dan?" she asked, skeptical.
Vice didn't take his eyes off the two. "That's him. He's a human from Earth. Don't underestimate him; he's tougher than he-"
"What's that thing he's with?" Springer squinted. "Is that- wait!" The pink cloud! One of Discord's cotton candy clouds! They were back and one of them had gotten tangled up in some kind of tape!
"EVERYPONY DOWN!" Captain Springer yelled. She took off form the stage, slapping the ClipBuck back on her wrist. Pegasi ducked down and backed away as the captain took aim at the 'cotton candy cloud'. "IT'S ROGUE CLOUD!!"
"What are you doing?!" Vice Grip demanded.
"It's one of Discord's clouds! I can take care of it this time!"
"Wait! That's not-!"
She targeted the 'cotton candy cloud' in O.A.T.E.S. "I won't let you get away again." Her eyes narrowed at her target, grim determination on her face.
Vice held up his hands. "STOP!"
Too late. She fired.
Fluffle Puff stopped in the middle of the street, Dan skidding to a halt behind her. Thankfully, the roads were made of clouds so his trip hadn't been a painful one.
"Thppp," Fluffle declared. I'm not going fast enough to make a Sonic Rainboom. Dan, find me something to make me go fasta. It'll probably have to be red.
"The only thing I'm going to find is duct tape; I'm sticking you back on the ceiling if you do that again," Dan remarked, climbing to his feet. The hyper mare had dragged him across town but at least they were closer to Derpy's house right now.
"Pbbthh thbb." Admit it. You had fun.
"Fine," Dan groaned, untangling himself. "We did make good time."
Fluffle grinned contently in response. There was always time for fun.
"All right, now that we're here, we can find where Derpy lives," Dan said. He kicked his foot, rainbow-colored paper still attached to it. "Help me get this stuff off me first."
Fluffle noticed a good amount of tape was still attached to her back after she ran through the rainbow-colored street barricade. Why would a cloud city where most ponies flew need a blockade anyway? She and Dan began removing the tape from her fluff and Dan's clothes.
Taking only a split second to target the pink cloud in O.A.T.E.S, Captain Springer fired the ClipBuck's control ray. A blue disk of energy was launched from the device and shot down the street at her target. Some ponies covered their heads but others watched to see if the blast hit its mark.
And it would have if Captain Springer had been aiming at a cloud. The command blast rebounded back before hitting Fluffle Puff, bouncing off her fluff like a rubber ball. She and Dan looked up from their detangling when they heard the noise but quickly thought nothing of it and returned to removing the tape stuck to them.
Captain Springer noticed something didn't seem right. Quickly, she realized the ClipBuck's shot had been reflected somehow. If the realization had come any slower, she wouldn't have also realized that the blast was shooting right back at her.
"Get down!" She dodged the ray, ducking down a mere moment before it cut through the air she occupied a second ago. The energy disk whizzed past her, hitting instead something behind her.
Krizzzzzzzzzzz-krak!
"You... what did you just do?" Vice asked the captain.
Slowly, ponies in the crowd turned to see what the ClipBuck beam had hit. A loud, electric whirr began to fill the air.
"Is THIS part of the demonstration?" a pony in the crowd asked.
"Vice, I'm sorry. I thought it was a-" Springer stopped midsentence. Both she and Vice, the rest of the FIST ponies on stage and the entire crowd around them turned their attention to something else on stage.
Lightning Claw peeked out from behind the curtain. "Is... is the Tesla Coil supposed to be doing that?"
Hit by the control ray from the ClipBuck, the ball atop the Tesla Coil had cracked and the entire machine now surged with electricity. Lightning in various colors bled around the machine, sparking and cracking as the device itself glowed a bright 'she's gonna blow' red.
"No. No it is not," Vice answered in a calm, matter-of-fact tone. "It's experiencing an electrical overload, the energy it's storing exceeds the amount the capacitor can regulate and now it's-"
"Should we run?" Lightning interrupted to ask an important question.
"Probably but-" Vice's reply came a bit too late. The Tesla Coil's lightning ball exploded in a flash of lightning and energy shot into the sky. Although nopony on stage was harmed, they scrambled away from the damaged contraption as it unleashed a pulse of electricity. For a moment, it seemed as though that's all it would do until it teetered and fell off the stage.
"Back! Get back!" Vice yelled.
The audience took to the sky as the coil crashed to the cloud street below, electricity still surging through it. Magic and energy reacted with the clouds and the device plunged through the layer like a spear through cotton. The hole it made grew, destabilizing the part of the road the stage was under until the stage itself began to lean.
"You broke it! You broke the cloud layer!" Lightning Claw shouted.
"GET OFF THE STAGE!" Vice yelled over him.
Lightning Claw, Captain Springer, Vice Grip and the two others who had helped set up FIST's many inventions clambered off the stage as the platform dipped low into the street. Its own weight pierced it through the hole made by the Tesla Coil and the frame fell through the clouds. The stage dropped from Cloudsdale like a stone scattering two Power Armor suits, one Spritebot and dozens of ClipBucks to the surface below. The Power Armor might've been salvageable depending on where it landed but it was unlikely anything else would be.
The hole in the clouds stopped before it became any bigger, some pegasi already moving other clouds into position to close the gap. Vice Grip stood up and walked over to his associates in the middle of the street. His eyes were glued on the street knowing that millions of bits worth of equipment was now plummeting to Ponyville where it would be reduced to scrap upon impact.
"Vice..." Captain Springer started to say. She clutched her right foreleg, patting the only ClipBuck now left. "I'm so sorry. I-"
Vice held up a metal hand. "Don't. Just don't."
She put her hoof over her heart. "I swear sir, the Enclave's services are at your disposal. We'll pay for this, I promise."
"Yes," Vice agreed. "I'm sure you will," he said stoically.
Behind them, another noise grabbed their attention. The pegasi crowd was applauding.
"WOO!!"
"Best demonstration EVER!"
"Was that even part of the demonstration?"
"Who cares? That was awesome!"
Lightning Claw shrugged. "At least we put on a good show."
Vice didn't chuckle. The scientist earth pony straightened his lab coat and walked away, Captain Springer quickly following him.
At the other end of the street, Dan and Fluffle Puff finally got themselves untangled from the rainbow wallpaper and tape. They just then noticed the crowd of ponies cheering at something behind them.
"Thppp," Fluffle said. What did we miss?
Dan shrugged. "Eh, probably nothing groundbreaking. I'm not much for street performers."
The two turned around and resumed their journey to Derpy's.
The roads leading away from the apartment complexes, hotels and taller buildings broke off into smaller streets leading to communities and neighborhoods that served as standard housing. While it was a city for pegasi, not every neighborhood in Cloudsdale maximized the use of vertical space. Some did, having houses spread out or layered on top of each other with enough space in between to fly but each community was a bit different aesthetically to suit the needs and desires of its inhabitants.
A park and even a country club complemented the area complete with a public golf course that included green and white hills and fairways. It was an elegant blend of land and sky maintained by the pegasi living there.
But of course, for every 'original' setting or concept I design, I like to throw in something reference-y to put things into perspective. This story isn't about being serious; it's about fun in case I need to say that again. So, with that in mind, the Sky-Line from Bioshock: Infinite also dominated the sky above the streets; rails and beams supported by polished-white metal struts hung above the roads and sidewalks at the edges of the clouds. Packages of various sizes and crates of supplies raced about on the rails behind the backyards of houses and through neighborhoods, never going over or near a house but around.
However, there was no pneumatic transit tube or anything like that, so conveniently Derpy's job as mailmare had not been rendered obsolete. Besides, sending muffins via a tube kind of loses its personal touch and makes them taste like compressed air. And knowing Derpy, the thing would be clogged with muffins by the end of the first day. So it was probably a good thing.
Derpy's community was more contemporary in design. Flowers, trees and sections of grass designed to thrive at high altitudes lined the streets, sidewalks and lawns of many houses. While Dan stomped his way towards this community, Fluffle took the time to enjoy the landscape, rolling through the grass and flowerbeds. If you're wondering, this action rated an "elevendy-kajillion" d'awwws on the Faust-Libman Adorbs Scale, just above Pinkie Pie being herself and under Fluttershy waking up in the morning.
After a thorough review of a map of the community, Dan was able to narrow down the location of Derpy's house to one neighborhood. Now it was just a matter of going door-to-door until they found the gray mare in question. Dan would've found Fluffle's rolling adorable or annoying but he was too busy focusing on what he would do to Derpy when he found her. Blowing up her mailbox was a given but there was more he could do. But answers had to come first.
The pair turned the corner into Derpy's neighborhood, a collection of houses lining a single-lane cloud road. Fluffle Puff hopped ahead of him down the street but stopped shortly after the entrance in front of a pair of tan pegasi wearing suits that were blocking the road. A mare and a stallion, they stood close together and presented Fluffle with something.
"Fluffle?" Dan asked, noticing his companion's distraction. "Hey! Whatever you're selling, we're not buying any of it!" he stormed over to her quickly.
"Hello there," the stallion greeted Dan.
"Yes, hello," the mare added.
"Hello?" Dan asked, slowing his pace to approach them warily. Fluffle stepped to the side and the pair presented the items to Dan. Two different broaches were held in their hooves each with a tiny picture in them.
"The bird?" the stallion asked.
"Or the cage?" the mare asked.
Dan shook his head. "The what or the what?"
The tan mare Pegasus then facehooved. "I'm sorry, these are the wrong ones. One moment," the pair pocketed the two amulets and retrieved two different ones.
"Sorry about the mix up," the stallion said. "Those are for... someone else. All right, one more time; the seed?"
"Or the sword?"
Fluffle stared wide-eyed at the two objects, examining each one. "Thbbb... thbbb."
Dan looked at each but was still confused. "What are you asking me? What do you two want?"
"It's a simple choice," the stallion said.
"One you've made before, many times," the mare explained.
"And one you'll make again."
"It's your decision Mr. Dew- ...sorry, Dan."
"The seed?" the stallion presented.
"Or the sword?" the mare followed suit.
"Thbbb... thppp, ththth," Fluffle looked at each again. I get it... they're symbolic choices but they're also physical. You can choose either one, determine your fate based on the choices you make either consciously or subconsciously, without knowing the consequences, the full extent of your actions. But in the end, they both require a level of commitment, the dedication to-
"Not interested," Dan shoved the pegasi's gifts away. "Now if you'll excuse us, we have a message to deliver."
The ponified Lutece siblings were forced to step aside as Dan walked past them and down the street. Fluffle Puff shrugged at the pair and hopped after him.
A tad perplexed themselves, Rosalind and Robert straightened out their respective outfits and departed in the opposite direction.
"I told you he wouldn't pick that one," Robert said.
"He didn't pick either of them," Rosalind argued.
Robert smirked. "Precisely. And I believe that makes me the victor."
"How?" the mare asked her brother. "He didn't pick EITHER of them."
"And we both knew he wouldn't. But he will."
"Next time, you mean?"
"Yes. He didn't choose now so that next time, he'll have the same choice. And next time, he'll know it."
"But what if he makes the same choice?" she asked.
"He'll make a different choice," he said assuredly. "Because he'll know."
Dan continued down the street, Fluffle behind him now. He scanned the houses on both sides looking for anything that might indicate one belonged to a bake-happy mail maniac.
"One of her neighbors should be able to tell us which house is hers," Dan said to Fluffle, though she was too busy being adorable to pay attention. He walked up to the entrance of a random house and rang the doorbell.
For a moment, Dan and Fluffle heard only silence. Dan considered ringing the doorbell again when they heard something.
"Grimm! Door!" an aggressive-sounding female voice ordered.
"I'm busy! It's probably just a couple of Billy's idiot friends anyway," a muffled accent answered.
"Which is why I want YOU answering the door," the female voice countered.
An exasperated groan followed. Dan and Fluffle looked at each other, both considering turning around and leaving when the door opened. Neither Dan nor Fluffle Puff were quite prepared for what they saw but they knew also that they couldn't leave now. Stepping forward as the door pulled up was a tall, cloaked figure in black. From its bony hand, it held a scythe as the other gripped the knob. A skull face frowned at the pair as the two stood stunned before him.
"Mandy!" Grimm called over his shoulder. "I was right! They're clearly Billy's friends!"
"Whatever," the female voice echoed back.
Fluffle Puff gasped, this time out of fear. She hid her face in Dan's arm and began shivering.
Grimm turned back to them. "All right, this had better be good. You just interrupted me in the middle of a My Troubled Pony marathon."
"Wait," Dan stopped him, "My Troubled Pony? I thought they canceled that. When did they start putting it on the air again?"
"A couple years ago," Grimm replied. "They started a whole new generation for the franchise, really changed things around. It got really popular on the internet for some reason and the creators of the show love the fans. They just finished the fourth season and the second movie, now they're moving into season 5," the reaper sighed, putting his bony hands on his hips in astonishment. "Who would've thought a franchise for little girls could make it this far?"
Dan grinned and looked the camera. "Yeah, who would've thought?"
"So, what do you two want?"
"We're looking for Derpy Hooves, the local mail mare. She live around here?"
"Ah," Grimm tapped his chin, metacarpals making hollow clunks on his jawbone. "Pretty sure some mail mare lives on this street but I don't quite recall what house. You could try one of the other neighbors... but I'd avoid Skarr. He's not as stable as he usually is this high an altitude."
Dan and Fluffle leaned backward and looked over to the next house. A friendly-looking bald man with a scar down one of his eyes waved at them as he was watering the flowers. Not waving back, the two leaned back in. "Thanks for the warning," Dan said.
"Don't mention it," were Grimm's last words to the pair as he closed the door again. "Mandy, I was wrong; it wasn't Billy's friends! It was some pale guy and a pink ting!"
"How is that different from Billy's friends?"
"I didn't want to kill these ones."
Dan and Fluffle continued on their quest, avoiding eye contact with Grimm's next-door neighbor. They chose another random house to ask for directions at, part of them knowing that there would be at least two more instances of shenanigans before they happened upon Derpy's house. They didn't know this because somehow they had knowledge of the story like you might infer but because they just figured that's how life was. And they were right.
The next house they chose wasn't that dissimilar from the last one but had a larger lawn, even a driveway leading up to a garage. The walkway led them up to a door by the side of the garage and had its own wheelchair ramp. Fluffle Puff brushed her hooves on the small welcome mat while Dan rang the doorbell.
After a moment, a man in a wheelchair opened the door.
"Can I help you?" he asked in a strong but neighborly voice.
"Yes, I was wondering if you could..." Dan stopped midsentence after getting a good look at the stranger. "Wait... aren't you Joe Swanson?"
"Officer Joe Swanson of the Quahog Police," he leaned forward and extended a hand to shake. "Off-duty at the moment. But always willing to help out. What do you kids need?"
"We're looking for Derpy Hooves but... what are you doing here?" Dan asked, perplexed.
"Thbb! Thbb Thbb!" Fluffle pointed at Joe and said. You were supposed to be in the Twilicopter scene along with the Family Guy reference!
"That's right, Fluffle Puff," Joe said. "But that whole scene was cut so the Twilicopter could crash into Wub Way instead. So me and Bonnie are just sitting here with Lando Calrissian from the Cloud City bit watching the My Troubled Pony marathon. We don't have anything else to do!"
"Wait," Dan pinched his chin, "if your scene was cut, why are you still here?"
"We don't know!" Joe exclaimed. "We just popped up here along with the house and we figured heck, we needed a vacation anyway! And Lando makes some really awesome drinks including this-"
"But that doesn't make any sense!" Dan said, still puzzled. "The only reason you'd still be here is if..." And then the realization hit him. Fortunately, the realization hit him before anything else did. Dan turned on his heels and bolted away from the house. "RUN! RUN!!" Fluffle Puff followed quickly and soon the pair were down the street.
Joe wheeled himself out of the house as he watched the two depart. "I wonder what's gotten them so startled." He wouldn't have to wait long for his answer. The ground, or rather, the clouds underneath his lawn began to rumble. The entire house shook. Vibrations reverberated through Joe's wheelchair, knocking him out of it and throwing him into the street.
Bonnie and Lando Calrissian quickly ran out of the house. "Joe! Joe, what's going on?!" his wife asked.
"We just lost reception! We'll never find out what happens to Guillermo now!" Lando yelled.
But for another intrepid group of travelers, their reception couldn't have been clearer. Joe's garage exploded from underneath, clouds, lawn and huge tracts of land ripping apart as a massive object rose up from them. Bonnie, Lando and Joe fled from the wreckage as their house was wrecked behind them.
In the middle of the street, Joe looked back to see some kind of space craft hovering above them.
On the bridge of the Enterprise-D, the crew were relieved that there had been no damage to the ship despite their relentless pursuit of the renegade signal.
"Course correction complete, Captain," Geordi announced from the helm.
Picard frowned. "Number One, where is Commander Data?"
"I believe he's still reading Road to Twilight, sir," Riker replied.
"Ah," Captain Picard said. "Did he get to the part where Littlepip-"
"Excuse me!" a voice from the back of the bridge interrupted. "Hey, yeah, pardon me but, can I have a moment?"
The bridge crew turned around to see an overweight American cartoon character standing behind them.
"Yes?" Picard asked.
"Yeah, that was kind of my buddy's house we just plowed through. Can I use the intercom-y thing?" Peter asked.
Picard and Riker exchanged expressions of confusion. "Sure," Will said.
"Yay. I get to be in the reference," Peter said, containing his glee. He walked over to the communications officer's suite and switched to broadcast outside the ship. "Joe? Joe, can you hear me?"
In the middle of the street and in the shadow of the massive Galaxy-class vessel, Joe recognized the voice immediately. "Peter, what the hell?!"
"Joe, I am so sorry about this."
"YOU DESTROYED MY HOUSE!" Joe yelled. "AGAIN! HOW DID YOU EVEN AFFORD THE ENTERPRISE ?!"
"Joe, it's okay!" Peter assured over the intercom. "I'll make it up to you and Bonnie. Here, let me beam you up. Can we do that? Can we just-"
"PETER! What are you-"
The Enterprise lurched forward, now under the control of a fat man with a child's innocence. A band under the saucer section of the ship began to glow. Rather than activating the ship's transporter, Peter Griffin accidentally had targeted Joe with one of the phaser banks.
"HOLY SCHNIKEYS!"
A red phaser beam scorched its way through the clouds just in front of Joe. The ray of crimson burned through the sky towards the ground. And I think you already know exactly where it was headed.
"What do you mean my insurance doesn't cover crashing helicopters?!" Sendback asked his claims agent, enraged.
The pony at the desk of the insurance office, who happened to bear a striking resemblance to one of Sendback's coworkers, stared a stoic frown back at the red donkey as he yelled at him. The clerk blinked once and then repeated himself. "Sir, your policy clearly doesn't cover your place of business against aerial vehicle accidents or sky-born disasters," he held up Sendback's insurance contract. "It's all stated right here-"
Sendback snatched his contract out of the other pony's hoof. "OH! I see how it is!" he waved the piece of paper above him. "You think just because a BLACK MA-"
VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZT!!
A flash of energy burst through the ceiling of the Ponyville Property Safety Management Bureau(local insurance agency branch) and vaporized Sendback's contract as he held it. Not only that, the beam continued and fried the computer the claims representative was working on. Both of the donkey postal worker's insurance policies, physical and digital, were destroyed simultaneously.
What remained of Sendback's policy descended to the floor in smoldering cinders. He clutched a blackened corner of it in his still-raised hoof as he processed what had just happened. The clerk in front of him blinked again. Sendback slowly sat back down.
"Well, it looks like your insurance claim just went up in smoke. Literally." Then, for the first time, the clerk smiled at Sendback. "Sorry. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
Sendback just frowned. "Yes. May I use your phone?"
"Of course," the smug rep turned his desk phone around for the donkey to use.
Sendback picked up the phone and dialed in the only number he could think of. After only a couple seconds of ringing, somepony answered.
"Hello?"
"Hey, mom? It's Sendback. I know I haven't called you in a while but I was wondering-"
The phone crackled in the donkey's ear. His mother's voice came back in a loud nag. "OH! I see how it is!"
Sendback hung up the phone.
Back in Cloudsdale, Dan and Fluffle Puff finally slowed their pace from full run to jog to walk. They finally allowed themselves to breath, looking back over their shoulders to make sure the deadly reference(s) weren't still following them. Relieved, the two exhaled and continued on their journey.
"All right," Dan said, determined but exhausted, "one more house. Then, we start blowing up every mailbox until we find muffins in one of them."
"Thpp?" Should we start with ours, o brilliant leader?
"Sure," Dan replied to his sarcastic cohort. "We have to find a way to stop her from tampering with the mail somehow. If that doesn't work, we torch the bakery next."
"Thbbbbb?! Thrrrbb!" The bakery?! But I like the bakery!
"Great, you can be the one to rebuild it when we're done!" Dan patted her on the head and walked off.
Fluffle trembled at the thought of all the sugary sweets in Ponyville being burned to a crisp. She caught up with Dan and followed closely; whether Dan was serious or not, baked goods were something Fluffle took very seriously.
Dan and Fluffle decided to check a house across the street next. As the two walked up to the door, it opened for them and a tan stallion in a greet sweater stepped out to greet them.
"Hello neighbor," the friendly stallion greeted them.
"Nope," Dan replied. He and Fluffle Puff did a 180 without breaking a stride and walked away from yet another obscure reference.
And thus began the fast-clip montage of Dan and Fluffle encountering various references at houses in the Cloudsdale neighborhood, each one making less sense than the last. As a change of pace, there were even a few regular pegasi residents for them to meet though none of them could give them the exact whereabouts of Derpy Hooves. Finally, Dan sat down on the curb in front of the last house they'd inquired at, not knowing what to do next.
"No one... NO ONE KNOWS WHERE SHE LIVES!" Dan shouted. He pulled out his cell phone. "HER ADDRESS ISN'T EVEN LISTED ON GOOGLE MAPS!"
Fluffle patted Dan on the back, comforting him. Despite his tenacity, the human was feeling defeated.
"Thpp thppp thpp," Fluffle said to him. I'm sorry, Dan. But no matter what happens, I just want you to know... I still have two coupons for the bakery. Please don't blow it up.
"I don't understand it..." Dan said, staring at the street. "It's gonna take a miracle to find where she..." And as he trailed off, he heard something. A voice that almost sounded familiar.
"That's everything, General!" Derpy said to Skarr.
"OOOoooh!" the bald army officer from Evil Con Carne squeed with giddy delight as the gray Pegasus presented him with his mail. "The latest issue of Underappreciated Subordinates Quarterly came in! Thank you so much, Derpy! And thanks for the muffins!"
"Don't mention it!" Derpy smiled. "Just doing my job!" She turned around and immediately came face-to-face with a clearly disgruntled alien and a pink, smiling puffball pony. "Um, hi there!"
"Derpy Hooves?" Dan asked, balling his fists.
"Yes?" the Pegasus asked back nervously.
But Dan just glared back at her. "You've got mail."
"I've got mail?" Derpy asked, confused. She looked through her mailbag. "I wasn't expecting anything today."
Dan facepalmed. "No, I mean, we've got a message for you. It's a very... special message," he said, trying to be menacing once more. "One you've been overdue to receive for a long time."
"Really?" Derpy smiled excitedly. "Who's it from?"
This time, Fluffle joined Dan in facehooving. "Thuuuup." Seriously Dan, I don't think this is going anywhere.
Dan wiped the frustration off of his face. "It's FROM US! We're here delivering the message to you RIGHT NOW. And you're gonna get it... oh, are you gonna get it..."
Derpy giddily smiled. "Well, let me have it!"
Dan's own smile grew diabolically wide at the invitation to proceed. "Oh, by all means!" He reached it to Fluffle's utility fluff and retrieved some leftover tape to restrain Derpy with. He stepped closer to the Pegasus and prepared to dole out justice. "Now, we'll see how YOU like being delivere-"
"Hold on a second," Derpy turned back to her own mailbag.
"Wha- waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Dan's lunge turned into a trip-and-fall, he face-planted into the sidewalk.
"I actually have some mail for you and Fluffle Puff!" Derpy happily declared. She turned back around and hooved a bundle of letters to Fluffle.
Fluffle gasped in response and took them in her mouth. Yay fanmail! I can taste the love!
"NO!" Dan shouted as he got up. "No more interruptions! No more distractions, no more derpying around! You're going to stand there and look me straight in the eye while we sort this out!"
"Okay," Derpy replied. And Dan attempted to look her straight in the eye, literally. In his frustration, he momentarily forgot Derpy's eyes were just like that and became focused solely on trying to meet both her eyes despite the impossibility of the task. He rotated his head in jerking motions but every time he almost zeroed her in, her eyes reverse-derped. She giggled at him, thinking he was being funny with her.
"GRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNG!" Dan growled in frustration. "THIS ISN'T A GAME!"
"Thpp." Coulda fooled me with all the references.
Dan turned back to Derpy. "And where have I seen you before?! Why do you look so familiar?!" He had seen Derpy before, before meeting her today. There was something about her he'd seen before. But where?
"I'm the mailmare, silly!" Derpy replied. "Everypony sees me! How else would they get their mail?"
"That's not what I mean, I mean that you-"
"Hey, can you both wait right here a minute? There's something for you back at my house," Derpy said, taking off quickly and flying down the street.
"No, wait! You're not getting away aga- and she got away," Dan's raised limbs went slack as the ditzy gray pony evaded him yet again.
Fluffle Puff patted him on the back. You want some of my fanmail? It's strawberry-flavored.
"No... no, we're not losing her this time!" Dan broke into a run after her. Fluffle stowed the rest of her letters and followed him.
Dan kept his eyes focused on Derpy as she flew above the road. This time he was determined not to let her get out of his sight.
"YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST FLY OFF WHENEVER YOU WANT IT, YOU BLONDE PSYCHOPATH?!" he yelled from street level.
Well, she does have wings... Fluffle's expression said, trying to keep up with Dan.
As Derpy flew, oblivious to the torrent of anger below her, she took the time to notice all the scenery above Cloudsdale's neighborhood. Dan watched as her head turned left and right, looking pretty much in every direction except the one she was going. Inevitably, she ran into things like clouds, another pegasi and even Songbird from Bioshock: Infinite.
"Why doesn't she look where she's going?!" Dan asked aloud. Just as he asked that question, he ran into a garbage can by the side of the road. The can spun him around but he kept going, pursuing his target despite knocking it over.
Derpy was enjoying herself. A few birds joined her in flight and she greeted each one of them merrily. "Hello there, Mr. Sparrow! How are you doing today?"
The birds chirped in response, exchanging greetings with the gray Pegasus. The other feathered friends departed, having other business to do and also because Derpy was directly in the path of an oncoming helicopter.
CRANG! Derpy's head rebounded off the underside of da choppa as it flew by. But the mare herself was only spun around in midair before waving good-bye to the helicopter and continuing on with her flight.
"What's wrong with this mare?!" Dan asked as he smashed through a mailbox, spinning it around. "She keeps running into things!"
Fluffle Puff was able to avoid the things Dan ran into because unlike her compatriot, she was paying attention to where she was going as she ran. But unfortunately for her, she was also running.
Okay... maybe I need to cut back on the baked goods. Dancing on rainbows is one thing but... I might be out of shape. Just a little. she panted as she ran.
Dan watched as Derpy collided with more objects in the sky. She got tangled up briefly in a banner another pegasi was towing, nearly knocked Snoopy off his doghouse and got blindsided by one of the Sky-Line's crates as it sped by. But nothing stopped her forward motion as she continued onward.
Even though he was preoccupied chasing Derpy, he didn't run into everything in the street. Dan was able to jump over several of the barrels Donkey Kong threw at him. But eventually, he'd pay more attention Derpy than where he was going and one would hit him, he'd spin around and have to respawn. It was a long cycle and Fluffle had to keep up for all of it, though at least she got to use the hammer once even if it exhausted her further.
"She's just... derpy," Dan finally began to realize as he followed her. His pace slowed as he began to subconsciously question his actions. But then his pace increased when he accidentally stepped on a skateboard.
"Wo-woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Dan yelled, standing on one leg as the skateboard under him did the rest. It carried him down the street just as Derpy stopped at her house and descended to the front door.
The human quickly recovered after the skateboard crashed into something off camera. Exhausted, he and Fluffle Puff made their way to Derpy's front door. Walking up the steps, it opened for them and Derpy herself stepped out, unscathed.
She giggled when she saw them. "You guys sure do like following me, don't you? You must really be excited about your surprise!"
"I... I'VE got a... a surprise for YOU when..." Dan stammered wearily. Fluffle collapsed into her own fluff, becoming a pink ball on Derpy's doorstep.
"Hold that thought," Derpy told them. She turned around and grabbed something from inside the house. When she turned back to them, she presented them with two freshly-baked muffins.
"I... I..." Dan stopped when he saw the muffins, losing his train of thought.
Fluffle immediately regained energy, returned to her normal form and dove face first into her own muffin. Her face globbed onto the pan Derpy presented it on but left Dan's. The human picked up his own muffin and looked at it.
"I was gonna give one to you at the post office this morning but I ran out," Derpy explained.
"I... thank you," Dan said genuinely. He took a nibble of the small confection. It was decidedly delicious and sweet with a lemony twist to it.
"You're welcome," Derpy smiled contently.
Dan finished his treat. "But why did you run off from us? And did you ditch us at the post office? AND WHY DID YOU BAKE TWILIGHT'S MAIL INTO A MUFFIN?!"
"Well," Derpy clopped her hooves together innocently, "you guys looked upset at the post office and I didn't want to disturb you."
"But why do you keep running into things?" Dan asked. "Why are you always getting distracted?"
Derpy shrugged. "I dunno. Because there's a lot going on?"
"I see," Dan said, "But that still doesn't explain why you tampered with Twilight's mail! You baked a letter to her, a PRINCESS, into a muffin! No matter what, that was still Twilight's mail and I don't think she appreciated it being served to her in a pastry!"
"Thupppp." Except she did.
"Ohhhhhhhh," Derpy said, realizing. "Yes, I baked her letter into a muffin," she admitted.
"Ah HA!" Dan announced triumphantly. "So you're not just being negligent for no reason! You actually admit you had some sort of prank in mind! You did that for a reason, didn't you?"
"Well, yeah," Derpy replied casually.
"Exactly!" Dan declared. "You thought-"
"I thought she'd like it," Derpy said with a smile. "That letter was from me, so was the muffin. I would never tamper with anypony's mail."
Dan's mouth hung open. His raised finger lowered along with his arm as he began to understand. "That... letter was from you?"
"Yeah, it was to congratulate her on the renovations to her house you all made recently. A brand-new mailbox, I figured it neeeded some brand-new mail!"
Fluffle gasped. And brand-new muffins!
"So you weren't tampering with the mail and you weren't trying to hide your guilt," Dan realized. "You were just being..."
"I'm Derpy!" she stuck out her hoof. Dan shook her appendage as the reason dawned on him. She wasn't hostile, she wasn't crazy. Her behavior was something he misunderstood... just as many people, many ponies misunderstood him. And that's when Dan remembered where he saw Derpy before.
"Yes... yes, I remember you. The second day I was in Ponyville, I noticed your eyes were different than all the other ponies here. I fashioned some covers for your eyes so they'd look forward," Dan recalled.
And then, Derpy remembered, too. "That was the day I first became a mailmare." She reached back into her house and retrieved two small pieces of paper. Holding one in each hoof, she showed them to Dan. "The postmaster liked them because they were silly even when they fell off. He gave me the job because he knew I could have fun doing it and he needed a pony that could show that kind of endurance."
Dan looked at the small eye-papers. "But I just gave those to you because your eyes were derpy."
"Ha," Derpy chuckled. "Everypony in my family's got eyes like these. It's a trademark look."
"I get it now," Dan said. "I thought you were just some kind of crazy saboteur."
"And I thought you were some kind of angry sociopath," Derpy replied.
"Borderline," Dan clarified.
"Hey," Derpy put a hoof on his shoulder. "We've all got quirks."
"Yeah, we do," Dan agreed.
"Thbb!" Song cue!
I know that everypony's different, it's a fact that's plain to see! I know that every one is unique individually!
But then I meet somepony like you, who does everything to get on my nerves! Some ponies might be strange on average, but you destroy the curve!
And although you might be a pain, the way you talk and act is strange But I know that you're not mean just weird, and it's not hard to explainnnnnnnn~
You've got quirks! Things about you that just irritate But they're just quirks! And you're not trying to infuriate It's just how you work and if you look a little deeper, you can do more than toleraaaaate! Because we've all got quirks! And it's our quirks that make us great!
I've got mail to deliver, I've got a job to do each day! And on my route, I meet so many creatures, different in every way!
But then I meet someone like you, something unlike anything I've ever seen! And while some ponies are different, you just seem mean!
But I can tell that you're not cruel, in your own way, you're being kind! If I look a little deeper, I can fiiiiiiiiiiiiind~
You've got quirks! Things about you that are strange at times! But they're just quirks! And being different really isn't a crime It's how you work! It's just how you tell others what's on your miiiiiiiiiiind! And we've all got quirks- it's just the reason to the way we rhyme!
From the way we act, to the things we say Each one of us does the same things in different ways!
And although we can get annoyed... at the way someone behaves, at the way they wave, the way they say thanks, or every single time they speaaaaaaaaaak~
If we don't let it bother us, we can find it as more than frustrating; we can find it uniqqqqqqqqque~
We've got quirks! It's a fact that we're happy to state! We've got quirks! And that's a way for us all to relate! It's how we work! It's how we live and how we operaaaaaaaaate! Because we've all got quirks! All the derps and all the jerks! But hey, they've got their perks cuz it's our quirks That Make Us Greeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!
"I'm sorry about the misunderstanding, Derpy," Dan patted her on the back. "When I saw that muffin in our mailbox, I thought it was somepony screwing with us. Like Flim or Flam again. And when I found out that a postal worker was responsible, it made me think you were tampering with our mail either intentionally or unsafely."
Derpy returned the gesture. "Haha, it's okay. I may have my own way of doing things that isn't exactly traditional, but I make sure to respect everypony's private property. The ones that don't are the 'real' derps!"
They all laughed at that. "That's almost offensive," Dan said, chuckling.
Fluffle nodded happily. Close enough. And that's what makes it funny.
"Well, I appreciate you helping us sort this out, Derpy. And it's good seeing you again after all this time. And officially meeting you," Dan said.
"Likewise!" Derpy smiled.
"Unfortunately," Dan scratched the back of his neck, "we kind of need a way to get back down to Ponyville now. Seeing as how we lost two helicopters on the way here.
"Thbbb thppp." This is why I wanted the wing spell.
"Hmmm," Derpy thought. "I think I can help with that. Come around to the backyard and we'll see if I have something for ya," the mare instructed.
Dan and Fluffle did as instructed, walking around to the back of Derpy's house. When they got around to the back, they were surprised to see something neither of them expected. Not some item or strange oddity in Derpy's backyard, nothing weird or reference-y occupied it. There was only the most incredible view of Equestria they'd ever seen.
From behind Derpy's house, all of Equestria and even Ponyville stretched out before them. From the enormous snow-capped purple and blue mountains to the dark green trees of the Everfree. Canterlot glistened like a pearl gem in the early afternoon sun and the valley below shimmered like gold. The brightly-colored buildings resembled tiny models at this height like a living map of the world. It was breathtaking.
"It's just gonna be a few minutes, guys!" Derpy called from inside her garage as the sound of mechanisms followed.
"Take your time," Dan said back.
Deciding this would be as good a time as any, Fluffle pulled out the lunchboxes Twilight had packed for them before they left. Dan embraced the idea and both of them sat down and had a picnic at the edge of the sky.
Fluffle got finished first and began to romp around the clouds, indulging in the fluffiness as she didn't know when she would be coming back to Cloudsdale.
Dan took his time, enjoying the scenery and relaxing. It was then another guest arrived.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" a voice behind Dan suddenly asked.
Still sitting, Dan turned around to see somepony approaching. "Yes... yes it is," he answered the stranger as he swallowed the last bite of his sandwich.
A brown earth pony stallion in a white lab coat walked over to where Dan was sitting. But what was odd about that to Dan was the fact this pony was walking on his hind legs and more so, that his hind legs seemed to end in two chrome-metal boots. He had his forelegs behind his back, a pair of metallic gauntlets clasped that matched the boots. Despite his odd appearance, the pony approached Dan with a casual stride.
Dan took that moment to stand. "Who... are you?" He almost asked what instead.
"My name is Vice Grip," the stallion extended a metal hand.
Future Integrations Stable-Tec Boss Vice Grip The Magic Gear Mastermind
With no visible reluctance, Dan shook the pony's gauntlet. To his surprise, it felt warm to the touch and squeezed back at an appropriate pressure. But the metallic texture just felt... unnatural. Yet somehow this pony was able to use both his gauntlets just like hands. That only made it less comfortable.
"Dan..." he introduced his own name.
"It's a pleasure to meet you," Vice said, still smiling.
"Sure..." Dan said, happy to get his hand back.
Vice stepped past him. "It really is all beautiful, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Dan agreed, though he didn't know where the pony was going with the idea.
Vice looked over his shoulder at him. "You've never seen anything like Equestria... have you? On Earth?"
Dan had to think about the question. "No, not really. And how do you know I'm from-"
"That you're from Earth? I'm a scientist," Vice answered, though it wasn't an explanation and Dan knew it. He turned around, the flocks of his lab coat whipping. "Equestria didn't always look this way, you know. Ages past, we had to found this land, the cities and build things from the ground up. But it hasn't really changed much since then, not like your world, anyway."
Again, Dan thought about his response. "Depends on what you mean by change. You could just as easily say Equestria's changed in other ways that Earth hasn't."
"Haha," Vice laughed. "You don't think Earth's society is more evolved than ours?"
"Evolved? Why? Because we have buildings? More advanced technology?"
Again, there was a pause between the two. Standing at the edge of heaven, two very different beings from two very different worlds discussed their differences and their similarities. A negotiation was taking place, even if Dan didn't realize it, one that would have effects neither could look so far to see.
"Free? And Equestria isn't?"
"Look at what you humans have created. Empires of stone and steel, rockets to take you into space, signals and pulses that carry messages across distances almost instantaneously," Vice gestured broadly with his hands as if spreading the tapestry of human history across the sky.
But Dan saw it differently. "Ponies have cell phones. You've got rockets and you've made your own kingdoms and Empires."
"Yes," Vice looked back at Dan. "But you built yours without magic."
Dan folded his arms. "I don't see how that makes a difference."
Vice clasped his gloves behind his back again and began to pace. "From the moment a foal is born here, they're influenced by magic. We're taught that each of us already has a destiny here and we have to go out and find it. The arcane manipulates us, forces us along a set path and we hold onto it like a crutch to make the journey easier. Humans are free to forge their own destinies, no brand, no crutch. And you have forged so much."
"Do you have a point to all of this?" Trying to think about this nonsense was making Dan frustrated. "Humans have more wide-spread use of technology, so what? We don't have magic, so we have to do something."
"Exactly," Vice said. "You respect the might of the mind, not magic," he tapped his temple for emphasis. "Equestria is addicted to magic. Why work to make anything new when all your problems can simply be poofed into existence with the light of a horn? Technology takes time, forces you to use your imagination to create something real, to make something better and new. Magic requires you say a couple words, do a dance or drink a potion. There's no might in that."
Dan didn't understand much about magic but he did get what the 'scientist' was talking about. "So, you're saying ponies are.. shackled by magic or something? And the reason you haven't expanded the way we have is because you've been forced to rely on magic and not tech?"
"Precisely," Vice smiled, astonished. "You're smarter than..." Dan shot him a quick glance at the comment, making Vice rethink his words. "Most of my colleagues. They don't understand."
"Maybe you don't understand," Dan said. "Maybe magic is the way you forge your destiny. Maybe it's your technology. Not like a crutch you're supposed to rely on but... but a guide. Or something." He barely even knew what he was saying.
"Pffft," Vice scoffed at the idea. "Magic we barely comprehend? Magic that just now, we're trying to learn about?"
"Better late than never," Dan countered.
"Please," Vice paced back. "Your history is full of men and women who didn't know what they were tampering with and caused damage by using it. But at least with technology, it was something they learned about for themselves, something you can control. Humans learn from their mistakes. Ponies never take a step back, never change, never truly grow and we can't control our own magic. We're stuck as weak, inefficient little ponies playing with spells and tea parties... forever."
"My friends DO learn from their mistakes!" Dan rose his voice. "Maybe things are just fine the way they are now, did you ever think of that?! Things could always be better and guess what? We ARE working to make things better! Twilight researches magic literally EVERY DAY. Maybe YOU should spend some time in the library!"
Vice was taken aback by Dan's defense. It was his turn to think on his next response. "And what happens when she gets in over her head? When she goes too far with what she doesn't understand? What happens then?"
Dan didn't hesitate to answer. "I'll be there. Me and all her friends." Fluffle Puff joined him at his side, though she hadn't been paying attention to the conversation. "I know Earth's history, I know the mistakes we made and the good decisions, too. If anypony gets lost... I'll show them the way."
Vice's grin returned. Even without sharp teeth, his smile resembled that of a viper's dripping with venom. "Because they'll always listen to you, won't they? They'll always include you when they're deciding something... or going somewhere."
And that last comment made Dan angrier than he'd ever been, that he could remember at least. His blood boiled to the point where there was practically steam rising off his skin. Even Fluffle could tell something wasn't right. But even though he was like a volcano, he didn't erupt. This was a different rage seething through him, a poison he couldn't control or channel. The strange stallion in front of him had just crossed the line between bullshit artist and sly asshole in strides.
But that wasn't the worst part. Looking back at the smug, smiling pony, Dan knew he had no way to vindicate his feelings, one of his only ways to validate and express his own emotions. There was nothing for Dan to get revenge upon justly or otherwise. Because despite it being cruel, despite it being venomous, despite it being the foul, presumptuous opinion of a stranger who didn't even know what he was talking about, wouldn't, couldn't, SHOULDN'T have known what he was talking about, despite ALL THE AGONY... he had a point. A very sharp point. And it had drawn a different kind of blood.
Vice could tell he'd just exposed a nerve but decided wisely not to press further. "Well, I guess we'll see what happens. But I didn't stop by here just to debate and pick up a few muffins, though Derpy is quite an expert at her craft. I actually have a proposition for you," he reached into his coat pocket and retrieved a small card. Walking over to the visibly hostile human, he casually handed it to him.
Dan looked at the card, fighting the urge to just rip it up and throw it in Vice's face. It read in bold print:
Future Integrations Stable-Tec Seizing your Future today
"I know you have a passion for justice, Dan," Vice said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It's something you and I share, believe it or not. We're both trying to make Equestria a better place, give it the future Earth never had."
"The second chance Earth never had," Dan corrected, flipping the card. Vice was right about one thing, at least. Even if Dan was fighting the urge to punch him in the stomach, throw him over the edge and watch him fall all the way down.
"FIST is working to do just that, Dan. We can't change the past but we can work towards a brighter future today. A future where ponies are truly free to make their own decisions. Innovations that give us more control, more stability and a better defense against the unknown. We need resources to make it happen, Dan. You can be a part of this." He walked past Dan, departing the way he came.
"I'll pass," Dan replied, though he still pocketed the card.
Vice shrugged as he walked away. "I can't be faulted for trying, I suppose. Equestria's always changing, Dan. I suggest you enjoy the view while you can."
"I'd enjoy it a lot more watching you tumbling towards the ground," Dan muttered under his breath.
Fluffle Puff snuggled into Dan's side, hugging him tightly and burying her face into his arm. Equestria's going to be fine with you here, Dan. I just know it. You're here for a reason... if only I could tell you what it was. I love you so much.
Dan hugged her back tightly. Whatever the future held for them and for Equestria, they would face it together. With magic, with technology, with friendship, with everything they had. They would do it together. Dan let the conversation with Vice Grip fade into the back of his mind as Fluffle mended his wound with cuddliness. The two snuggled on the clouds, holding each other for a duration that time could not measure, sharing a bond that words could not describe, feeling a love that only they could feel. Harmony.
Finally, Derpy walked out of her garage. "All right guys, it's finished!"
"What is it?"
Derpy pulled out a remote control. "Well, since you guys said you lost a helicopter-"
"Thpp." Two.
"Two helicopters trying to get here, I figured what better way to get you back to the ground?" She pressed the button on the control and her garage collapsed. A flurry of bubbles rose up from the ground as the walls and roof retracted. Sitting in the center of it was a gray helicopter with yellow blades and a decidedly Derpy cockpit.
"Another helicopter?" Dan asked skeptically.
"This isn't just an ordinary helicopter!" Derpy announced. "It's the Derpycopter!"
"Another themed helicopter?" Dan asked. "Actually, the first one we wrecked was Twilight's."
"Oh," Derpy looked disappointed. "You guys don't want to use it?"
Dan shrugged. "Sorry but our luck with choppers hasn't been very good. I'm not sure we want to risk crashing another one."
"There's fresh muffins in the glove box," Derpy commented.
And with that, Fluffle disappeared from Dan's side and reappeared in the cockpit of the Derpycopter. She honked the horn, prompting Dan to join her. I'm eating yours if you don't get here now!
"I guess this will work," Dan accepted. "Thanks Derpy."
"No problem. Oh wait, before I forget," Derpy dashed back into the house and retrieved her mailbag. "There's another letter for Twilight. It arrived late, I was going to get it to her tomorrow but you could bring to her now."
Dan took the envelope and put it in his pocket. "You really do love mail, don't you?"
Derpy nodded. "It's what I do." The two hugged before the human boarded his third aircraft of the day and took off from Derpy's house. As they rose above Cloudsdale and Fluffle enjoyed yet more muffins, Dan enjoyed the view of Equestria as he piloted them home.
Derpy Hooves waved good-bye to them happily as she knew she would see them when she delivered their mail again... and muffins. Unfortunately, somepony else had other plans for her.
"Excuse me, Derpy Hooves?" a voice from the side of her house asked.
"Yep! That's me!" Derpy announced, turning their way.
A green red-maned Pegasus mare and an indigo stallion with wings and a broken horn approached from the front yard, eyes narrowed at her. "I'm Captain Springer and this is Lightning Claw. We'd like to talk to you about the Storm Enclave."
Dan and Fluffle arrived back home late that afternoon, their flight from Cloudsdale being more stable. The Derpycopter landed in the Golden Oaks hangar, touching down in the same spot the Twilicopter took off from. The two passengers disembarked, both of them happy to be back on the ground and to see Twilight was there to greet them.
"Hi guys," Twilight said as the rotors stopped.
"Hey Twilight!" they both hugged her.
The ground isn't soft as cloud here but... it's home.
"So, what was the result of your investigation, Captain Dan?" Twilight asked.
"Uh, well," Dan scratched the back of his neck. "It turns out Derpy didn't really do anything wrong... but we still managed to confront her about the issue and we learned why she does what she does. Oh, and you got another letter," he handed her the envelope Derpy gave him.
"Oh, thanks," Twilight took it with her magic. Even if it wasn't baked into a muffin, it still smelled like one. "So, what did you learn about Derpy? Why does she act the way she does?"
"It's because she just enjoys doing things the way she does them," Dan declared. "And as long as she abides by the rules and safety regulations, she is free to perform her duties in any way she desires."
Twilight smiled as the three of them walked out of the hangar. "Kind of like you, huh Dan?"
Dan smirked. "Eh, maybe. But we did learn that everyone has their quirks and while we don't understand them all the times, they can still be our friends and together we can see each others' strengths."
"Wow," Twilight giggled. "That reminds me of the one time I tried to find out what makes Pinkie Pie tick. I learned pretty much the same lesson."
Dan scoffed at the statement. "Yeah, well I wasn't there, so it didn't count."
Twilight gasped in disdain. "What do you mean, it doesn't count?! It was an important lesson and even Derpy was involved!"
"I still wasn't there," Dan argued. "Doesn't count."
"It DOES TOO!" Twilight yelled.
"Nope. Doesn't count." Dan took off running with Fluffle Puff down the hallway.
"FINE!" Twilight yelled. "Since you learned a lesson, YOU can be the one to write about it to Princess Celestia!"
"Great idea!" Dan shouted back. "I'll have Derpy send it in a muffin!"
Sighing, Twilight rubbed her head and pulled out the letter Dan had given to her. It was peculiar though; the letter didn't have a return address for some reason. There weren't any markings on it at all, just a stamp. But there was apparently something to identify who it was from: a small title at the top just below Twilight's name which didn't include her title. Twilight's eyes went wide when she saw who it was from:
To: Twilight Sparkle From: Phoenix Wright
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship...
"Come on, Dan it's a chance to relax. It'll be fun."
"The spa? Fun?! Try expensive!"
"It'll be worth it, Dan."
"If I get sprayed by one of those fragrances, I'M GONNA CHOKE EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!"
A relaxing trip to the day spa. Would could possibly go wrong?
"THEY TOOK TWILIGHT'S BRAIN!!!"
Muahahahahaha...
"They did something to her! And now they're after all of us!"
Just in time for Nightmare Night and Halloween, get ready for a spoooooky episode of Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship.
"We're not leaving the house... we're safe in the house..."
"Dan, what if they're in the house?"
"GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!"
Join us for a chance to relax...
"THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!"
A chance to unwind...
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan..."
A chance to let go... of all your fears! MUAHAHAHAHA!
"RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
Dan Vs. The Day of The Spa! Next Saturday, it's the night of the Living Dan'd on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"ZOMBIE PONIES!"
Rising only on FIMFiction.net
Episode 9: The Halloween Special- Dan Vs. The Day of the Spa
Lightning crackled high in the sky above the abandoned Belle Isle Asylum. Rain poured down on the castle's dark structure and waves crashed on the jagged cliff walls upon which it sat. Deep within the bowels of the haunted fortress, a different kind of storm was brewing- a storm of the mind.
"Gentlemen, BEHOLD!" Dr. Weird announced over the thunder. "I am writing My Little Pony fanfiction!!" he declared.
"Uh... okay," Steve, the doctor's red-haired lab assistant and the room's only other occupant replied.
"Yes," Dr. Weird began. "I put my heart, mind and soul into each and every word. I love this story more than life itself. In a way, it is my child. My legacy..." the doctor trailed off, staring at his laptop's screen. The room was silent for a full heartbeat.
"Woah. Well... what's it about?" Steve asked, curious.
"YOU, STEVE!!" Dr. Weird yelled. A ray of light shot out from the doctor's laptop and enveloped the lowly aide. In a flash, Steve was sucked into the pc. On the laptop's screen, a 16-bit rendition of Steve appeared amidst a colorful background resembling Ponyville. "MWUHAHAHAHA! WAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"YES, STEVE!!" the doctor shouted. "NOW BATTLE SPIKE FOR YOUR TRUE LOVE, RARITY! OH YEAH!!! THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST CLOP FLASH GAME EVER!!!!"
Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship
Developed for FIMFiction.net by Barro the Broadcaster
The weeks leading up to the eve of Nightmare Night had largely been pleasant for Ponyville. The ponies decorated the town for the upcoming holiday, changing in unison with the environment as colors switched from summer greens and yellows to autumnal oranges and browns. A fall wind blew loose leaves through the streets and jack-o-lanterns found their way onto the doorsteps and windowsills of almost every home.
With the exception of the Golden Oaks Library, of course. Being an evergreen tree, the leaves only changed color under the effects of magical influence and having just renovated the house, Twilight and friends weren't in a rush to decorate it. The group had decided to celebrate the change to fall the same way they did every other season: by sitting on the couch and playing video games.
"I'm right behind you, Dan!" Chrys announced.
"Yep," Dan smirked in agreement. "And that's where you're staying."
Seated side-by-side on the couch in the library's foyer, Dan and Chrys indulged in that time-honored favorite of competitive multiplayer games, Mario Kart 64. Fluffle Puff and Spike sat on the floor, the four of them battling for first place in the infamous racing game. With Dan dominating as Mario in first place, Chrys was right on his tail as Princess Peach. Fluffle Puff as Toad battled Spike's Yoshi for third place, both of them fighting for the position as well as messing with each others' controllers at the foot of the couch.
"No fair! Get off me, Fluffle Puff!"
"Thppp," Fluffle blew a derogatory raspberry at the dragon. She leaned to the side into Spike.
"Stop it! Hey, she's trying to block my view with her fluff!" Spike fought to push the hair off him with his right claw. "This is cheating!"
"That's what happens when you race me, Spike," Dan confidently informed him. "It's just a contest to see who comes in second."
"So long as it isn't Wario Stadium," Chrys added with a sly grin.
Dan didn't let the comment bother him though, not when he was in the lead on Rainbow Road. He was an ace at racing, having had lots of practice with his friend Chris back on Earth in the days of their youth. Dan was unstoppable on any version of Mario Kart and its sequels from handheld to console to PC emulator and even this one time when the Cutie Mark Crusaders built their own go-karts to try and simulate the game in real life. When it came to racing, Dan couldn't be beat. Except when his friends inevitably selected Wario Stadium.
Due to a glitch in the original N64 version of the classic game, players could bypass an entire section of one of the game's racetracks, the track called Wario Stadium, in the right places. An effective shortcut, it allowed the racer to skip a large portion of the track if they executed a maneuver next to the wall at the beginning of the race. It was a difficult trick to master at times but with practice, it shortened the race by approximately half its intended length. Dan had never used this trick and considered it to be dishonorable, disgraceful and grounds for disqualification if anyone tried to use it. Not because he actually felt there was something wrong with taking a shortcut in a race; it was just one he'd never been able to do. No matter how many times he had tried.
But this was Rainbow Road and Dan's expert use of the fake item box trap had assured him a commanding lead in the race. Heading into the last lap, Dan wore a proud smile as he powered to the finish line.
"Get off, Fluffle! Seriously!" Spike continued to grapple with the puffy mare. She hissed at him as both their bodies and carts fought to be in front of the other. The purple dragon spat out Fluffle's hair as he struggled to see the screen.
"Fight all you want; you're just fighting for the bronze at this point."
Chrys ignored Dan's taunts. Eyes narrow, teeth gritted, hooves gripping the N64 controller in determination, she was determined to finally beat Dan and then he would be her boyfriend. Or... wait, what? Where did that come from?
Glancing snidely over to her, Dan caught the redness filling the changeling's face. And as usual, he mistook it for an emotion other than what it really was, love, lust, indescribable physical attraction, instead believing she was burning red with envy.
The two racers continued, Chrys' determination and Dan's lax overconfidence combining to close the gap between the two as they entered the final stretch. The changeling queen, though biologically the mother of countless currently unaccounted for drones, had never felt love before she'd met Dan. All she wanted was to spend time with him, be with him and right now to WIN! For him to finally realize her... gaming prowess? and consent to be her boyfriend, confess his love and then they'd be together forever.
That was what she wanted, anyway. But really, even as she realized she was thinking these things, understood her own feelings, she didn't understand why exactly she felt them. It was complicated; she knew she wanted Dan to be hers, but she didn't know why. She also knew he wasn't hers at this point, a fact that felt physically painful to her. The feeling of wanting, needing and not knowing why was maddeningly confusing to her. The whole ordeal was enough to make her head spin so she focused on the race.
So while Dan raced to win, Chrys raced towards Dan. Chasing the man she loved while trying to evade the pursuit of her own confusion, her own mixed feelings, right behind her. Only time would tell which was faster in that race but the outcome of Rainbow Ride had already been decided.
There was only a single line of item boxes between them and the finish line. This was where strategy came into play during the race. If Chrys hit the item box and obtained an offensive item like a Red Koopa Shell, she could use it to blast Dan and he would lose his momentum allowing her to pass him. But if Dan received a defensive item like a Green Koopa Shell or a banana peel, he could deploy it behind him and hold it there, creating an effective barrier between him and Chrys' attack. These fractions of seconds would determine the entire race.
Dan drove through the item boxes, taking the corner and maintaining his speed as he approached the finish line. Chrys was scant few kart lengths behind him and had a second to see what item he received. Even if the game didn't let players see what items they obtained, Chrys could've looked at his screen to see what Dan came up with. But she didn't have to. Dan got the Green Koopa Shell, just the item Chrys was fearing he'd get. She sighed at the immediate sight of the icon in Dan's inventory. There went the race.
Dan deployed the green shell immediately. "Wait, shoot!" The green shell spawned behind his kart but instead of remaining there, it shot in front of him again and then launched forward. Dan's finger had slipped and he had fired the shell as an offensive weapon rather than using it as a barrier, an easy mistake to make if one's palms are sweaty. Defenseless, the distance between Dan and the finish line was too far away to say he'd won already.
In the hair fractions of a second, the situation had changed. Dan now nervously raced towards checkered flag like prey evading a predator. The safety of the finish line was only too far away still and Chrys was closing fast. All Chrys had to do was get an offensive item, a Red Koopa Shell hopefully, and victory would be snatched from Dan's hands in the blink of an eye.
She was almost to the item boxes now. Chrys knew she'd hit it with plenty of time to pass Dan. She gunned for them, the rainbow-colored rhombuses hiding win or lose for her behind their translucent surfaces. The edge of her hoof pressed the A button in all the way, sweat formed on her brow as she pushed her kart to the limit, item boxes getting closer and closer until finally- SMASH!
"Ha ha ha!" Dan laughed.
It took a moment for Chrys to realize what had happened. Rather than driving through the item box, she was the one that had been sent flying. The ole' fake-item-box-placed-right-on-top-of-a-real-one-so-you-can't-tell-if-its-real-or-fake trap. One of Dan's specialty deceptive ploys, it worked like a charm. Chrys watched her kart tumble off the road, spiraling down into the abyss before Lakitu returned it to her position. She had no reason to hurry now; Dan's victory was assured. "Didn't see that coming, did you?" Dan asked.
Chrys ignored him and sulked. After he won, there would be the inevitable gloating and she would pretend to listen while fantasizing about her and Dan together in only the most intimate of settings. Like winning the race, it seemed like a dream she was chasing but it was one she knew she couldn't stop pursuing. And unlike the race, it was something she intended to win.
"Thppp!"
"Come on, hey!" Spike pushed Fluffle's head. "Twilight! Fluffle Puff won't let me see the screen!"
The two other competitors' karts both smashed through the item boxes, passing Chrys. Spike, slightly ahead of the pink mare got a string of banana peels. Fluffle gasped when she saw what she got and used it right away.
KRSSSSSSSSSSSHHH!
A bright flash blinded the television screen and Spike, Dan and Chrys found their karts shrunken by Fluffle's lightning bolt. His speed reduced, Fluffle's kart flattened Spike's and continued on racing to catch up to Dan.
"Fluffle!" Spike shouted.
"Thbbppp!" Fluffle responded triumphantly.
"That was my box and it-wa, wooaaaaah!" The pink pony repulsed the purple dragon and he lost his balance. He flailed, trying not to hold onto both his own controller and still see.
"Spike, be careful you don't-"
"WAAAAAAAAAA!" Spike fell forward and landed on the only thing that could break his fall- the N64.
"SPIKE!" Chrys yelled.
While not enough to damage the durable console, Spike's trip was enough to jostle the Mario Kart cartridge inserted in its top and cause the game to freeze.
"SPIKE!!" Dan yelled, echoing.
The dragon rose his head and along with the others, looked at their race in progress. The sound had stopped, the karts had stopped, the game had stopped. It was like the game had been paused but there was no way to unpause it. There was no way to see who was the winner and no way to finish. The game was over.
Spike could feel eyes on his scales. Slowly, he turned his head around to face the others, a preemptive apologetic cringe already on his face.
Three frowns accosted him, judging him for his mistake before he could say a word. Really, the four's body language spoke enough volumes. Finally, Dan broke the silence.
"Just as I said, I won."
"Oh really?" Chrys turned to him. She prodded his chest with a hoof, enjoying the opportunity to touch him more than anything else. "Spike froze the game so it's a draw."
"I was about to cross the finish line AND I was in the lead by a long shot before that. I won the race," Dan proclaimed.
The jet black bug pony shook her head. "No, no, NONE of us crossed the finish line so none of us won that race."
"I was in first when the game froze," Dan closed his eyes and placed his hands on his hips. "It's like I said all along. You can't beat me unless you cheat."
Now Chrys was getting angry. "Just because you're the ONLY one who can't use that glitch doesn't make it a cheat. And besides, it's one of the longest races in the game and so BORING. Everyone only uses that glitch so it can end faster."
"It's still cheating!" Dan raised his voice. "I'm not gonna play if you're not-"
"THPP THPP THBB! THPP THBB THPP THP THPTHP!" Fluffle joined in, waving her forelegs and the two. And just like that, house erupted into an argument and Spike was happy to not be part of it. He carefully tip-taloned away into the adjacent hallway. Now was as good a time as any to work on his Rarity shrine.
"IF YOU WANT A REMATCH, THEN SET IT UP AGAIN!" Chrys yelled.
"And why can't YOU do that?!" Dan yelled back.
"I. DON'T. HAVE. THUMBS."
Dan facepalmed. "If you're going to use that as an excuse now, HOW WERE YOU EVEN RACING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"
"I NEVER SAID I COULDN'T RACE!" Chrys screeched. "I can use the controller fine but it's harder for me reset the console!"
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHANGE INTO SOMETHING THAT CAN RESET IT THEN?!!"
Chrys leaned forward and glared at him. Her face was burning red. "Why don't I change into something that-" makes it easier for me to rip your shirt off and smother you right here on the couch. But Fluffle is here... wait, no. I want her to watch.
"Into something that what?!" Dan demanded. His face was also boiling red. "I don't understand what your problem is with a simple video game! Why can't you just play by the-"
And as he leaned in to yell back at Chrys' defiant stance, Dan stumbled slightly over Fluffle's controller. Chrys leaned back to catch him with her chest and wound up catching something else. Dan braced himself against Chrys' shoulders for a brief moment, both of their eyes closed as they stopped listening to each other... and accidentally communicated more than they ever could have at that moment with words.
Fluffle's eyes bulged and her jaw dropped. "Wow..." the pink mare muttered, so shocked by what she was witnessing that she used her own voice.
The pair's eyes popped open simultaneously and they broke off from each other; Chrys stepping back and Dan pushing off her to regain his balance. For a few silent moments, the two simultaneously processed what had just happened. The only clue to indicate what had transpired was the faint and fleeting taste of the others' lips. It was the oddest sensation and yet to both, familiar. Chrys remembered why; Dan didn't.
Dan quickly tried to recompose himself. "I... um, I'm sorry... about that. Uh..."
"I-it's f...fine. It's fine," Chrys said. She felt like her heart was going to punch its way through her chest. All four of her legs quaked and felt bone-cold. They... they had kissed. What did this mean? Her head swam in questions as parts of her body burned and froze at the same time. She felt like she was going to faint.
Fluffle Puff did for her. The pink puff mare leaned forward and face-planted into the floor, collapsing into her own fluff. None of them commented on the action.
"Uh..." Dan coughed. "Are uh, are you planning on... on flying?"
"Um... what?" Chrys asked, not understanding the question. It was then she noticed her wings were in spread out in full display, an involuntary reaction to undue excitement of the romantic nature. However, the reaction was characteristic to pegasi and alicorns, not changelings. She looked back at both her wings, and tried to press them down. They were stiff and ridged, unyielding to her hooves and even her own muscle reactions.
"Um... I just, uh..." She struggled to press them down but they sprang back each time, even hurt to try and clasp them against her back.
"Uh... heh..." Dan chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. "Twilight has the same problem with her wings sometimes."
"What problem?" Twilight asked.
Chrys and Dan turned to the stairway as Twilight descended. Fluffle's head poked out of her fluff despite her not being upright because that happens in cartoons.
"Hey guys," Twilight greeted them, significant exhaustion in her voice. "What have you all been up to?"
"We were just... playing," Chrys said shyly, still trying to press her wings back.
Twilight couldn't help but notice. "Is that what Dan meant by problem? Yeah, that happens to me sometimes, too." The purple mare was actually equally inexperienced with such involuntary wing spasms herself. "It goes away after a while. I find if you concentrate on something else, they'll loosen up faster."
"O... okay," Chrys said nervously. Embarrassed, flustered, hot and bothered, the changeling queen took the princess's advice and focused on something else. Unfortunately, that something else was Dan. The image of him making eyes at her stuck in her mind like their game still stuck on the t.v screen. She forced her mind to picture a different subject and continued flipping through images like a rolodex until her body tension subsided. "Thank you, Twilight."
Twilight smiled in response. "So what have you guys been up to? It sounded like an argument when I was upstairs. Wario Stadium again?"
Dan scoffed at the comment. "Not this time. Spyro tripped and froze the game. Just the same though; I would've won."
"Oh," Twilight said, noticing the screen. She walked over to the console and carefully powered off both it and the television with her magic. "I'm sure he didn't mean to."
"Nah," Dan remarked. "Fluffle was blocking him from seeing. It was honestly cute seeing the two of them fight."
Twilight looked over to Fluffle to see if she had a non-verbal comment on the situation. And in this instance, she did. The fluffy mare pointed at Dan and at Chrys and then clapped her hooves together and made kissing noises. Pantomiming them making out, Fluffle relayed the events immediately after the race to Twilight. When she was done, she mimicked herself fainting again and Twilight walking down to see them.
"Well," Twilight said, "that wasn't very nice, Fluffle Puff. You should go apologize to Spike."
Fluffle sighed and facehooved; Twilight had clearly understood none of her message. It was times like these she detested being a conveniently and inconveniently semi-silent character. She trotted off to go find Spike.
At last, Chrys' wings finally rescinded, twitching only once before returning to their original position. "That's better. What have you been doing, Twilight? Still working on that difficult spell?"
The princess groaned. "Difficult is an understatement. This magic is ancient and the book seems like it was written for another species. I'm making progress but it's still so complicated. There's so many steps, pieces and variables."
Dan didn't have Twilight's scientific approach to magic. "But in the end, you still just say a few words and something happens, right?"
Twilight glared at him. "Magic isn't that simple, Dan."
"Uh huh," Dan folded his arms, unconvinced. But Twilight knew she'd be able to convince him eventually. It just took the right application of magic, the right usage at the right time and he'd see how powerful and how mysterious it really was. She had faith Dan would experience the true power of magic eventually. Maybe he'd understand magic better if a special mare showed it to him, like a special somepony. But who in Ponyville would possibly be interested in Dan?
"It's not just the words, Dan. You have to tap into the feelings, harness the emotions and direct them towards the desired effect," Twilight explained.
"So therapy actually does something in this world?" Dan asked sarcastically. "Good to know. I'll remember that the next time somepony tells me to see a shrink." To be fair, both magic and therapy were more complicated than they seemed. The magic ponies used harnessed emotions and channeled them into energy. The same way humans were able to channel the energy of molecular bonds in a chemical reaction, ponies were able to control the power of emotional bonds and use them to achieve impossible results. Dan's knowledge of both magic and chemistry was just enough to know how to use spells and chemicals to blow things up. Like lighting a fuse or using Twilight as a spell-minigun.
"If magic was therapeutic, I'd be super-relaxed instead of super-stressed," Twilight said with a huff.
"What's the problem you're having, anyway?" Dan asked, curious. "I haven't heard any explosions coming from upstairs."
"The spell I'm trying to perform requires a certain focus. I have to concentrate on all of the Elements of Harmony at once if I want to infuse them with my alicorn magic but the book is vague on how I do that. I have to be careful, otherwise I might accidentally cause damage to the Elements. It's almost like parts of the steps were left out or changed to prevent somepony from using them the wrong way," Twilight said.
Dan shrugged. "Maybe you just need to read it the right way."
Twilight sighed at his suggestion. A knock on the front door of their house drew her attention and she turned and walked away.
"What?" Dan asked as she departed. "I'm serious; you have to be careful how you read the instructions!"
Chrys giggled. "Maybe her spell has a glitch in it." Her wings sproinged out again as she got closer to Dan.
"Or maybe the book is cheating, hiding something from her," Dan smirked.
Twilight opened the door to see her other friends outside.
"TWILIGHT!" they all yelled at her.
The purple mare's face lit up at the sight of all her friends. "Girls, it's so great to see you! What are you all doing here?"
"Spa day!" Pinkie announced.
"We thought a day of relaxation and pampering was in order with all the commotion lately," Rarity said.
"That does sound really good," Twilight had to agree. "This spell's got me over a barrel and I could use a break."
"The spell to turn y'all back inta a unicorn?" AJ asked.
Twilight nodded. "I've been working on it since we got the library fixed and I haven't really made any progress."
Rainbow flew down to her friend and grabbed her by the shoulders. Tears were in the pegasus' eyes. "You've only had wings for a short time... you're really going to give them up already?"
Twilight hugged Rainbow back. She knew she was sad to lose another flying buddy. "It's for the best, Rainbow. If Dan, Chrys and Fluffle weren't here, I'd be able to balance things between being a princess, being an alicorn and learning about the magic of friendship. Them being here made me realize there's still a lot I haven't learned about just being me the way I was. Not only that, there's the fact my early lessons aren't being applied and I think the best way to apply them is to try and take a step back from all this."
Rainbow's lip trembled. "But... wings!"
Twilight patted her friend on the head as she sobbed into her purple feathers.
"I'm still your flying buddy, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy's timid voice pointed out. The rainbow-maned Pegasus looked over her shoulder at the shy animal lover. Rainbow then turned back around, burying her face into Twilight's wing again and crying harder.
"So..." Pinkie changed the subject, "spa time?"
"Sounds great," Twilight said. "Just let me ask the others." She poked her head back inside the house. "Hey guys!" she yelled. Dan was sitting on the couch once again, controller in both of his hands as he played another N64 game. For some reason though, Chrys was seated in Dan's lap and she seemed to be resting her back against him. Or... snuggling with him? Dan was clearly oblivious to this, squinting to see around the changeling queen.
Chrys wasn't even holding a controller, or playing for that matter. Her eyes were closed, not that Dan noticed. Suddenly, her wings deployed.
"Hey, if you can't control those things, you can sit on the floor," Dan pushed her wings to the side.
The changeling just cooed in response to being touched by Dan.
"GUYS!" Twilight shouted.
Chrys' eyes popped open and the pair looked over to her.
"Who's up for a spa day?"
"OOOH!" Chrys hopped off of Dan and the prospect. "I'm in!"
Fluffle and Spike materialized out of nowhere, the purple dragon riding the pink mare. "We're in, too!" Fluffle gasped in excitant. The three houseguests rushed to join Twilight at the door.
"What about you, Dan? Wanna come?" Twilight asked.
"Spa day?" Dan reiterated. "No thanks, I got my relaxation right here."
"Awwww," Chrys moaned. "Come on, Dan, it'll be fun!"
"Fun?" Dan questioned the statement. "More like expensive."
"Since when has THAT stopped you from buying anything?" Twilight asked the freeloading biped.
"Hey, surface-to-air missile batteries may not be cheap, but you'll thank me once they prevent the first air raid we encounter," the human shot back.
"Come on, Dan," even Spike tried to coerce him. "There's plenty of stuff to do there even without spending money."
"Sure there is, but I just don't like spas. Why would I spend money to relax when I have plenty of entertainment, food and..." Actually, he couldn't think of a third thing. "And... my surface-to-air missile batteries right here?"
"But you're really going to spend the whole day at home while we're out?" Chrys asked.
"Yeah," Dan said. "Revolutionary idea, I know. What an innovator I am."
"Come on, Dan," Twilight decided to be the third encourager. "If you do this, you can cross another location off your possible local threat list."
"Hmmm," Dan thought. "Or I could put another location on my possible local threat list." She did have a good point, he had to admit.
"You can scout the place out all you want and even assess possible structural weaknesses and points of entry while you're there," Twilight said. She could tell he was still teetering on the decision. "It's a great way to relax. Why don't you just give it a try?"
"All right, fine," the human finally conceded. He paused his game and got up from the couch. "But if they spray me with any weird fragrances, they'll be spending the next week trying to pass said fragrances after I'm done with them."
"I'm sure it won't come to that," Twilight said. She lead Dan out of the house along with their other friends and closed the door behind them. Just as the library became quiet, Owlowiscious descended from Twilight's room, picked up Dan's controller in his talons and resumed his game of Mario Kart. Wario Stadium, the owl's favorite track.
The mares and dragon excitedly talked amongst themselves as they walked to the spa. Dan followed behind the menagerie of colorful ponies like a pale, bipedal cloud tailing a trotting rainbow. Yet another thing concurrent with Equestria as with Earth, the human found himself dragged to things he didn't want to be a part of by creatures he called friends. But unlike on his home planet, Dan wasn't quite as reluctant as he would've been.
One of the main things Dan didn't like about Earth, about his own society in California at least, was that things never seemed to change. Needless bureaucracy still slowed things down, stupidity and power both found places to rest their empty heads and nothing ever really changed. Nothing was ever improved, civilization never advanced, humanity was stuck in the same rut.
"Ponies never take a step back, never change, never truly grow and we can't control our own magic."
For some reason, Vice Grip's words echoed in Dan's mind as he was reminded of Earth. How could somepony think the same thing about ponies... that he did about humanity? It was a sudden realization: Vice Grip saw Equestria the same way Dan saw Earth. But Dan had done something about it; he'd tried to change Earth, his own community and failed. Did that mean...
"Ooof!"
"Oh, sorry, Dan," Chrys apologized.
"No, I... was distracted, sorry," Dan replied. The thought of him being like Vice Grip, Earth being like Equestria had caused him to bump into Chrys directly in front of him.
Dan shook his head, forcing the idea out. Vice wasn't anything like Dan, couldn't be. Earth and Equestria may have had their similarities but that never bothered Dan. From what Dan had seen of the sci-fi channel, they were alternate dimensions so some things would be familiar. But there wasn't magic, talking ponies or mythical creatures on Earth so that meant they weren't parallel dimensions. At least, it made sense to Dan.
They had arrived at the spa, a modest facility in the more service-oriented section of town in the southwest corner. None of them had been there in a while but it appeared to have been recently renovated. A new logo on the front displayed the name "Ultra-Luxe Day Spa and Treatment Facility" above the entrance.
Twilight held the double doors open for the group with her magic, each of them entering in pairs. The princess had to marvel how quickly things had changed in the past couple years. Six friends she never thought she'd have, three more who seemed to appear overnight and a mission to preserve harmony in Equestria. Not every change had been pleasant though, as her wings reminded her.
"Thanks Twilight," Spike said as he passed her. She responded to him with a smile. It was a reminder that Spike had been with her through all of those changes, her ever-faithful companion. There were similarities between her and the purple dragon, more than just the colors they shared. Spike was more than just her assistant; he was her friend, her constant partner. They shared a special relationship and had gone through a lot together.
But... would it have been the same if Twilight and Spike hadn't spent so much time together? Would they be so close if they'd been apart, living in different cities? This more than anything was the real reason Twilight didn't want to be a princess, more than anything else. Spike followed Twilight the same way... the same way that Twilight followed Celestia. Or would have if she'd had the opportunity.
Twilight's relationship with Princess Celestia wasn't close. There was a distance between them both physically and emotionally, the echo of a bond that never formed. When Celestia revealed she hadn't been able to make friends or use the magic of friendship since banishing Luna, it only reinforced what Twilight already knew but was scared to admit: Celestia hadn't been a good teacher. Twilight's wings were a reminder that her mentor was trying to mold her into what Celestia couldn't be. It felt... very, very wrong.
It's possible she could've maintained a good relationship with Celestia... if she'd ever bothered to write Twilight back. Apart from important issues and events, Twilight rarely heard from her mentor. And her brother. And her sister-in-law. No, that wasn't going to happen between her and all her friends, new or old. She wouldn't let it. Twilight was not going to be...
"What exactly are we gonna do here?" Dan asked, stepping through the doorway. "I'm supposed to let strangers rub crap on my face and... exfoliate me?"
Twilight grabbed the human's hands with her hooves. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to."
"Then why am I here?"
"To assess the location's threat viability and evaluate the possible future danger of the establishment," Twilight reminded him.
"Ah, right," he remembered. "Well, might as well get that out of the way. I'll start by sweeping the perimet-"
"Dan!" Chrys hugged him out of nowhere, practically lifting him up off the floor. "We're all gonna get the deluxe treatment! Are you coming?"
Dan struggled to speak while his organs were crushed. "Aeeeg-actually, I was just about to-"
"Oh, come on Dan!" she twisted the human back and fourth.
"Alright! Alright!" he pleaded. Her legs were wrapped around him like a vice. "Just stop trying to break me in half!"
"Oh goody!" Chrys delighted in his relenting. She released him from her grasp but still held onto his hands with her hooves. "This is going to be so much fun!"
"And I have to be here for it? I can't observe all the fun you're having from a safe distance? Like back at the house?" Dan asked futilely.
"Nope!" Chrys smiled. "Now c'mon, let's get going!"
"I ca-ehyaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Twilight smiled and shrugged. Some things never changed but sometimes, she was thankful for that fact.
The changeling queen dragged the human by the wrists to the reception desk. Twilight's other friends huddled at the counter, apparently waiting for something.
DING!
...
DING!
...
DINGDINGDINGDIN-!
"I think that's enough, Pinkie," Rarity said, levitating the help bell away from the pink mare.
"How do you know?" Pinkie asked the unicorn. "Maybe we have to ring it a certain number of times to get help. Maybe if we ring it enough, we'll win something."
Rarity scoffed at the idea. "Pinkie, we mustn't be rude when requesting assistance."
"Who's being rude?" Pinkie retorted at the accusation. She plucked the hovering bell out of Rarity's magical grasp. "I'm just trying to get their attention. If we don't do anything, how can they tell if there's anypony that needs-"
"May I help you?"
"GAH!" Pinkie dropped the bell. The group of mares, dragon and Dan turned to see a pale yellow earth pony on the other side of the reception desk. She seemed to have arrived out of thin air and was wearing, of all things, some kind of theater mask. The mare lifted it up to reveal a sullen expression underneath. Her eyes appeared grayish and bloodshot from behind an old pair of glasses. Tinted glasses.
"Are all of you together?" the stoic mare asked. To say her appearance, both sudden and physical, had shocked the ponies would be accurate. They all looked at her, momentarily too intimidated to say anything.
"Yu-yes," Applejack replied for the group. "Sorry about your uh, your desk there."
"Of course, madam." The receptionist reached under her desk for something. She looked at each of the ponies in the group one at a time as if counting them in her head. For a few seconds, her gaze would be on one individual before she turned to the next, in order.
Rarity leaned up to Rainbow Dash to whisper. "Does this mare seem... off to you?"
"Or on something," Rainbow replied. The Pegasus hovered over to the counter. "So uh, where are the normal girls that work here?"
"They have the day off," the receptionist replied.
"Is there anypony else here?" Pinkie asked.
"They all have the day off," the mare stoically replied. She placed a single form on the counter in front of the group. "Do you all have an appointment?"
"Um, no," Twilight said, walking up to the counter from behind. "We didn't think it would be too busy for you to serve us."
The receptionist raised a single eyebrow slowly. "I see."
Fluttershy shivered at the back of the group. The unexpected encounter wasn't doing much for the pegasus' confidence. "I um, I don't think we should cause any trouble... I can leave if it helps..."
"If she goes, I'm out, too," Dan said.
"Oh no," Fluttershy shook her head, "You don't have to leave with me, Dan."
"Who said I was leaving with you?" Dan asked.
"No one has to leave," Twilight said over her shoulder. "Everything is all right. There won't be any problems... will there miss?"
The strange mare's eyebrow lowered. Again, she looked at each pony, biped and reptile in the group before returning her attention to Twilight and then... smiling. A creepy thin grin formed over her face. "I suppose we can make an exception. We don't have much business today but we also don't have many specialists available. However, we recently acquired some new automation from this weird future-company or something and many of our features can be used without assistance."
"Oh," Twilight said.
"So you won't have to help show us around or anything?" Pinkie asked.
The receptionist blinked once. "No."
"Ah," Pinkie wiped her forehead. "That's a relief."
"I'm sure it is. Normally, a specialist would be assigned to you for the procedures you purchase but as we're trying to be more 'modern', purchases must be made up front. Sign up for whatever procedure you desire and you will be escorted to the treatment area," the mare said.
"I see, thank you," Twilight said.
"I guess that's what 'deluxe treatment' means," Applejack remarked. A list of procedures and spa products was displayed on a board above the receptionist's desk. More like a menu at a fast food restaurant than a professional relaxation facility. Apart from the fact it also looked very new, it also only had one item available: deluxe treatment.
"Hmm," Pinkie rubbed her chin as she looked at the menu. "What do you think we should get?"
"The buck outta here!" Dan yelled from the back.
"Looks like we'll take the deluxe treatment," Twilight said to the receptionist.
"Good choice." A quill levitated its way to Twilight. The greenish aura around it changed to purple as Twilight's magic took hold of it. "Sign here and you'll be free to use the facility."
Starting with Twilight, each of them signed their names on the thin piece of paper presented to them. Dan was unsurprisingly last but complied with the instruction. Twilight paid for their expenditure herself, noticing the treatment they purchased guaranteed them three hours of access to the entire spa.
"Enjoy yourselves," the receptionist said.
"Thank you," Twilight responded, being the only one of them bold enough to do so. The group walked around the receptionist's desk, beginning their day of relaxation in awkward silence.
"Did that mare seem a bit weird to you, Twilight?" Chrys asked.
Twilight had to admit she did. "Well, maybe she's new."
"But why was she wearing that mask?"
"It is almost Nightmare Night," Twilight reminded her. It didn't do much to assuage Chrys' concerns even if it did explain the circumstances.
"Ya think she'd get along with your sister, Pinkie?" AJ asked.
"Well uh, they'd probably, if I had to guess, maybe they would, possibly... no, no not a chance," Pinkie replied. "Maude's just a little reserved but... not hostile."
"She wasn't hostile," Twilight said. "But she wasn't exactly helpful."
"Almost hostile," Chrys remarked. "I don't know; something just felt... off about her. Something feels off about the whole place."
Dan looked around. "Hey, less ponies messing with me, the better. Hopefully, if everything's automated, we'll be done faster."
That reminded Twilight. She turned around the corner to the receptionist's desk. "Hey, didn't you say there was going to be..." she trailed off. The receptionist was gone again.
"Yeah, didn't she say we were going to get escorted or something?" Spike spoke for the first time this chapter.
Twilight's brow furrowed. "I would've thought she'd mean-"
"Hi there!"
"GAH!" Twilight jumped back. Hovering in front of her, appearing almost out of thin air was a hovering television-sized orb of some kind. It flew in front of her on two fan-shaped wings like some kind of oversized robot parasprite. A white face with two eyes and a happy open-mouthed grin stared back at her from the screen on the machine's center.
"Oh, did I startle you? I'm sorry. My name is Yes Man!" the robot announced. "It's my duty to monitor all of Mr. House's- I mean, it's my duty to escort you through the Ultra-Luxe Day Spa and show you how to use all of our facilities! Won't that be fun?"
"Su-sure," Twilight said.
"Wonderful! How about we get started with a tour so you can see all our features? Follow me!"
Slowly, the group followed the fluttering robot, overcoming reluctance with every step. Twilight cast a last glance over her shoulder at the empty reception desk before moving on.
The interior hall of the day spa lead a short distance from the reception's desk to the main room. Although Twilight and her friends had been there before, they had to notice the recent changes. The floor had been changed from its modest lavender color to wood paneling. The walls were a lemon-cream color that seemed faded even though it had to be new. Or did it?
"I'm not sure I like the new choice in décor," Rarity remarked.
Rainbow Dash was distinctly flying lower than normal. "They call this renovated? It feels like we're walking through a motel."
"On the outskirts of Detrot," Applejack added.
Spike's nose twitched. "Any of you guys smell anything weird?"
"Smells like that cleanser stuff they use in cafeterias," Dan remarked.
"Our ventilation system is programmed to disperse different scents to heighten relaxation!" Yes Man said.
"Can you turn it off?" Spike asked.
"No," the bot responded. "No, you can't." His voice became momentarily devoid of delightfulness. Yes Man then immediately rotated to face the group as he lead them to the main chamber. "And here we are, dear guests! Welcome to the Ultra-luxe Relaxation Room!"
The central area housed the hot tubs: circular baths at various elevations and simulated ponds ringed a fountain centerpiece directly under a glass ceiling. The room was a massive oval with branches to other corridors and rooms on either side. Lounge chairs lined walkways alongside potted ferns and floral arrangements. All of it, humbly lit by the glow of the diamond-shaped lights on the walls.
"Oh, now you're a sight for sore eyes," Rarity said. Enthusiasm grabbed the mares by the hooves as they witnessed the promise of pampering and carried them hurriedly across the floor. "This definitely makes up for the décor."
AJ and Fluttershy made their way to the nearest hot tub, quickly located access to the towels and let themselves sink into the bath. "It may not look like the old spa... but it feels like it," the cowmare declared.
Twilight decided to join them, noticing her reflection in the water before climbing in. Judging her own appearance, she decided that this was exactly what she needed.
Rainbow Dash examined each of the lounge chairs before her, eying each one like she was planning on purchasing it as a vehicle. With a skeptical expression on her face, she flew back over to Yes Man. "Hey robo-guy, how do these gadgets work?"
The robot's delighted screen blipped as it processed her question. "Ah, the Auto-Turbo Massage Recliner is one of the spa's newest features. All you need to do is sit back, relax and let the chair do the work as its specially designed robotic arms relieve your tension automatically!"
The rainbow Pegasus raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Robot arms, huh? Listen," she turned around as she hovered, displaying her wings, "these are instruments of speed, aerodynamic superiority, maximum precision, expert control and speed."
"You said "speed" twice!" Yes Man announced with glee.
Rainbow nodded. "Exactly. Because I don't let just anypony's hooves touch these babies," she gestured to her wings. "They require a delicate touch. So I don't think that-"
"You won't be disappointed!" The hovering drown grabbed her with one arm and ushered her over to the nearest vacant chair.
"Hey!" the Pegasus protested. "I just said I don't let just anybody touch my wings!"
Upon entering the lounger's proximity, a pair of white-gloved robotic arms materialized from behind the chair. Yes Man sat down the resistant Dash and the hands immediately got to work.
"What do you expect me- ohhhhhhhhhh," Rainbow's protests turned into coos. Her entire body relaxed and slunk into the chair. "I might... make an exception... for an hour or three."
Dan folded his arms, considering his options with decidedly less enthusiasm. Pinkie, Fluffle and Spike were doing yoga and Dan was at least impressed that for once Fluffle was interested in doing something on the floor rather than the ceiling. The others had all found things to occupy themselves with and it didn't look to the human like they'd be going anywhere for a while. He sighed heavily.
"Um... hey, Dan?" Chrys asked, whom he didn't know was behind him.
"Oh, uh, yeah?"
"You wanna... um, hit the sauna? With, uh, with me?"
"Oh, uh, no thanks," Dan replied.
"Oh," Chrys quickly remarked. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to bother you with anything. I know you don't want to-"
"No, no," Dan waved his hands. "I'm just, y'know, I, I was going to... uh, *ahem*, I mean, I'm GOING to, as to say, I have yet to, err, haven't-" he stammered awkwardly, suddenly needing to clarify every part of his clarification. His mind raced with more emotions to keep track of than it normally did, tripped over itself struggling to convey things with words and the way he spoke those words. Why was he having so much trouble talking to Chrys?
"Perimeter sweep..." Twilight lazily called out.
"Yeah! Thanks, Twilight," Dan said over his shoulder.
"Uh huh..." The purple mare was in far too much ecstasy to process anything other than her own luxurious sensations. Her neck was slack backwards as heated bath water bubbled around her like broth. If not for the unique shape of each hot tub, Twilight would've slipped into the soup.
"Yeah," Dan scratched his neck. "The whole 'security' thing. That's the only reason I really came here for: to check the area and assess it is a viable threat and evaluate the structure. I have a list of all the buildings in town I need to check."
"Oh, okay..." Chrys said, her tone filled with a slightly saddened understanding. And then, the changeling had an idea. "Hey, you need any help with that?"
"OH!" Dan hadn't realized that possibility. "You want to come with me on my perimeter sweep?"
Chrys smiled. "Sure."
Dan turned away from hers, his expression becoming a sheepish frown. "Well, you're sure you don't want to... relax or something? I'm sure there's plenty of stuff to do here."
"I'm fine," she walked closer to him. "I was pretty relaxed at home, anyway. I'll help you on your security-thingy. I can help you double-check things."
Dan's smile returned. "That's a great idea! I'll show you all my analyzing techniques!" He enthusiastically grabbed Chrys by the hoof and tugged her through the room, though she kept up a good pace.
Chrys' face glowed red and her wings were beginning to spread again. "I'd love to see all your techniques, Dan."
Rarity, deep within a cleansing and exfoliating facial, lifted one of the cucumbers over her eyes to see the pair trot off. "It seems like those two are becoming quite attached to one another."
"Eeyup," Applejack agreed. "Just like Spike and Rarity," she compared as she tilted her Stetson down over her eyes.
"I'm sorry. Like Spike and whom?" the unicorn asked, removing her too-convenient headphones.
The cowmare responded by snoring lightly, contented expression on her face. The white unicorn replaced her headphones and cucumber, deciding that Applejack couldn't have been talking about anyone she knew.
For some reason, Dan suddenly was enjoying his perimeter sweep more than usual. Having Chrys along felt nice, somehow, comforting and warm. He wasn't conscious of this fact but regardless, he was more than eager to have her with him as he checked every nook, cranny and potential threat vector of the day spa.
Dan lead Chrys to the eastern wing first. A shorter corridor lead to more doors, private rooms and a storage room next to a closet at the end.
"All right, now the most important thing to remember when performing a security check is to use all of your senses," he gestured around his head for emphasis. "If something doesn't look, sound, smell, taste or feel right, physically or if you just get that feeling that something's up, don't ignore it. You don't always want to act on a hunch but don't ignore it; you have instincts for a reason and those subtle feelings can tell a lot about the situation."
Chrys nodded. "There's a lot I'm feeling right now."
"Exactly. There's more to it than just looking over things with a flashlight. Here, lemme show ya." Dan crept down a length of the hallway, pressing his feet to test the stability of the flooring. Chrys mimicked the action. Pressing his ear to the wall, Dan knocked on the surface with his knuckles. He rapped on several parts of the surface and listened, checking for resonance. Satisfied that the walls weren't hollow and therefore hiding hidden chambers or panels, he hand-signaled his accomplice to move onward.
Proceeding to the first door, Dan opened it. Beyond was a single massage bed, wicker cabinets, a tiki torch and a rack of magazines by the window. Nothing of interest, Dan did check to see if the window was firmly shut before leaving.
The next room the pair checked was almost identical to the last one only it appeared to have been used recently. Half-melted scented candles occupied space on a bookshelf in one corner and the massage bed was unmade.
"It looks like somepony was just here," Chrys remarked.
"That's to be expected," Dan replied. "You have to remember the place we're in; it was probably another patron. Nothing suspicious about that." He did a quick sweep, identical to the first one and then returned to the exit to close the door.
"Wait," Chrys stopped him, frowning. "That would mean somepony used this room last."
"Yeah, probably a spa pony," Dan agreed.
"But we didn't see anypony leave when we came in," Chrys said. "And we didn't see anypony enter this room, either."
"It was probably the receptionist," Dan suggested. "It took her a while to get to the desk. She probably came from back here," he closed the door.
"But there's no one else here..." Chrys muttered, not loud enough for Dan to hear clearly.
Moving on, the duo checked the last door and were surprised to see Scooby-Doo and the Mysteries Inc. gang behind it. Well, not entirely; it was just a poster of the famed cartoon mystery solvers on the far wall. The two entered the room to get a better look.
"Heh," Dan chuckled. "I remember those guys. Used to watch them right after The Lightning Seven."
"Yeah," Chrys agreed, casually looking around. "They don't make 'em like that any-AAAAAAH!!" she screamed. On the other wall to the right of the doorway were four sets of eyes staring back at Chrys.
"Wha-what is-AAAAH!" Dan yelped himself.
"Krrrrr-hrrrrrrrrr-shaaaaa!" one of the pairs of eyes lit up and steam poured fourth from a dangling mouth.
"Oh...ha..." Dan caught his breath.
"What are... are those?" Chrys asked, still frightened.
"Masks," Dan answered. He walked over to the mask of a vampony with glowing eyes and picked it up. "These must be for the staff's Nightmare Night costumes."
"Ohhh..." Chrys clutched her chest. "What a relief."
Dan chuckled again. "What? You didn't think these were actual severed heads, did you?" He held up the mask and made its mouth move.
"I did for a moment," Chrys said.
"Yeah, it wouldn't be out of place if it wasn't this close to Equestria's Halloween," Dan remarked, placing the mask back on the rack. The pair walked out of the room. They didn't notice as a fifth pair of eyes materialized in the darkness. Unlike the others, it watched them leave.
Dan and Chrys resumed their perimeter check and found the west wing to be equally threat-free. The human made a few mental notes of some structural weaknesses, key defense spots, etc. This was the formulation of his various evacuation, defense and assault plans involving the building they were in, a planning process that he similarly had done with every building he'd entered in Ponyville. It paid to be prepared and Dan did his best to ensure that his plans paid off.
They arrived back in the central area a few minutes later. "Welp, the structure checks out," Dan announced to the other ponies.
"Uuhhhhhhhh-auuurrrrrrrgh," the group released a collective groan, though not in derision. The mares all appeared to have been incapacitated by intense relaxation, expressions of satisfaction on each of their faces.
"You guys doing all right?"
"Dan... Dan, you really gotta try this," Twilight said. She and all her friends were inside the hot tubs now, even Fluffle Puff.
"It's so... relaxing," Rarity said.
Fluffle let out a long thppppp.
"I didn't think you liked getting wet, Fluffle Puff," Chrys said to her comrade. Again, the fluffy mare's only response was a long thpppppp.
"Seriously, you guys should try this," Rainbow said. Even she had been coaxed into the bath. In fact, there was a lounge chair behind each of the mares, their arms working to massage their backs as they relaxed. Dan noticed that the water they were in wasn't bubbling any longer, probably lowered settings and had turned a strange pink. The human wasn't against bath salts but also wasn't a fan of whatever fragrance they'd chosen.
"No thanks, just came back to update you on our security situation. Everything seems to check out here," Dan informed them. He looked around, noticing a member of the group was missing. "Where'd Spike go?"
Twilight's eyes were swimming but something about that question brought them back into focus. "Ohhhhhhh... oh, yeah... Spike..." Her brain felt wonky for some reason. All of her senses were clogged by the sensation... and the smell of the water around her. "Spike asked about something..." Her heart began beating faster. Spike had asked about something important, something urgent. But what was it? Why was it so hard... hard to th-think? "Dan, it-it was-"
Fortunately, Yes Man swooped in to answer for her. "He was asking about the bathroom!" the robot happily declared. "The men's room is located just after the receptionist's area for your convenience!"
Chrys looked at all the ponies, the water they were in and finally back to Yes Man. "Dan... something doesn't feel right here."
"Ah," he patted Chrys on the back. "Very good, Chrys. You're paying attention to your instincts, aware of all your senses. But everything's fine here. Just look at Yes Man!"
The buzzing, cheery-faced spritebot hovered right in her face as Dan announced it.
"Riiiiight," Chrys backed away.
Dan approached the ponies in their hot tubs. "So anyway, it looks like you guys are really enjoying yourselves here."
The mares uttered another incoherent group groan, eyes swimming out of focus.
"So, I was thinking I'd head home and let you guys have fun here. That all right?"
Again, another "urrrrrrrrrrgh" escaped from the ponies' mouths and that was the only answer Dan got. And it was the only answer he needed.
"Great, I'll see you guys back at the house!" Dan turned to leave.
"Wait!" Chrys stopped him. Something still didn't feel right about the situation to Chrys. She didn't want to be left alone... but why did she suddenly feel alone? All of her friends were here... weren't they? Weren't they...?
"What is it? You're coming home, too?"
Chrys nodded.
Dan patted Chrys again. "Why do you want to leave early? I thought you were excited about the spa and it's only been a few minutes!"
"Well, I, uh, I just-" She had to think of something. "I told you I was already relaxed. I'm fine, Dan."
"What is it?" Dan put his hands on his hips. "You don't trust me home alone?" His tone was becoming confrontational.
Chrys new it was a bad time to challenge Dan's trust issue at that time. But maybe it was the right time for another challenge. "I just... we never finished our race."
"Oh!" the human realized. His face became a competitive smile. "I see, you're wanting to settle it, eh? Still can't get over the sting of defeat?"
Chrys smiled back nervously. "I guess so."
"Well, you're right. No spa oils are a substitute for satisfaction. All right, Chrys. You're on. But we're walking home! Not racing!" Dan said, turning and running to the reception area.
Chrys began running after him, though she was more afraid of what was behind her.
Yes Man waved at them. "Wait! You both purchased the Deluxe Treatment! You can't leave!" But it was too late. They were already out the door and gone.
For some reason, the Spritebot's programming stopped it at that moment and no longer processed that two patrons just left the spa. Yes Man immediately returned his focus to applying the treatment to the other subjects. His screen watched as each pony's eyes swirled and then began to glow. Their slack-jawed expressions began to focus on him and then phase two of his programming kicked in.
Yes Man's cheery expression flipped to another 'face' for his display. This one looked almost exactly the same as his last display, except the eyebrows were slanted at a sinister angle and the screen had turned as red as the waters of the fountain.
Chrys struggled to keep up with Dan as the two dashed out of the front doors and into the street.
"Hey! You said we weren't racing to the house!" the changeling yelled as they rounded the building and headed for home.
"Of course we're not!" Dan called back.
"THEN WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?!"
"To make sure I get Player One!"
Chrys stopped to facehoof herself. "But you didn't CALL first player!"
"Just did!" Dan yelled.
Growling, the changeling queen teleported. A flash of green appeared where she was standing and another flash erupted directly in Dan's path. The human skidded to a halt in front of her.
"I can teleport, too. Twilight's been teaching me," Chrys stated proudly.
"Great," Dan grinned. "Still won't help you win at Mario Kart."
"No, but it'll help me make sure you don't cheat.
The accused shrugged. "I'm not the one who glitches Wario Stadium."
Chrys rolled her eyes. To Dan, it was only cheating when anyone did it... except him. It wasn't her favorite thing about him but the way he spoke with such... courage, such confidence such charisma, such... stupidity. There was just something about Dan and the way he acted that made him so different and, dare she say it, desirable? She knew she had these feelings but she didn't know why. Maybe she didn't have to know.
Dan was beginning to feel that way, too. Even if he didn't know it, he and Chrys were already more than friends. They both walked at an even pace towards home, the competitive spirit fading momentarily. They were both happily in the moment, enjoying just being together when rain drops signaled their attention to the skies.
"Rain?" Chrys asked. Looking skyward, they saw that Ponyville had somehow been covered in thick, gray overcast while they'd been at the spa. "The forecast didn't call for any rain today."
"There's not supposed to be any rain until after Nightmare Night," Dan recalled the weather report.
Chrys shrugged. "Maybe they thought it would be spookier this way?"
"That doesn't make any sense," Dan dismissed. "Decorations all over town would get ruined."
Again, Chrys was out of ideas. "You gotta admit it is spookier like this."
Dan had to agree with that. The heavy, low-hanging gray clouds were like a shadow cast over the town. Not only that, Ponyville was... empty. From the spa to the square, they hadn't seen a single pony. That wasn't entirely out of the ordinary, it just didn't happen that often. Or, at all, really. But it wasn't unfeasible, even if it did contribute to the overall creepy vibe the usually cheery town gave out at the moment. It was as if Ponyville had become a ghost town sometime that morning.
"Let's just get home before whatever storm Cloudsdale's brewing gets started," Dan suggested.
Chrys had no reason to complain. They hastened back home as the rain picked up, arriving just before a downpour started. The changeling switched the lights on as she stepped in while Dan closed the door behind them.
"So... house to ourselves," Chrys remarked. Her eyes practically walked up the stairs to the bedroom themselves. Again, her wings stiffened.
"Yeah," Dan noticed that obvious fact, too. "Twilight and the others will probably be at that spa for a few hours at least. With any luck, they'll get it out of their systems and we won't have to go back there for another month at least."
"Why don't you like the spa, Dan? You were really looking forward to getting the royal treatment when we were in Canterlot."
"That's different," the human replied. "For one, having servants wait on you isn't the same as paying somepony to touch you while you're lying down. Or give you a manicure while your face is covered in creamy garbage. Not only that, Canterlot is a castle. I got to be carried around on a guest throne while enjoying all the free food Netflix there was. I enjoy ROYAL treatment, not SPA treatment."
"I guess that makes sense," the queen responded. "Besides, that spa was pretty creepy."
"I'm sure it's no creepier than any other spa," Dan assured her.
Other than Dan and Chrys, the inside of the house was silent. Rain pattering off the side of the house and the occasional sound of distant thunder were the only things to provide ambient noise. Also, the creepy background music from the 343 Guilty Spark level of Halo was playing pretty loudly. We're trying not to break the fourth wall in this episode though, so the sound was coming from Owlowiscious' computer. Apparently, the owl had been playing the original Halo on an emulator on his PC.
"I'm gonna get something to drink before we start this up," Dan said, walking to the kitchen. "Don't set it up until I-"
"I know, Dan," Chrys called in a knowing, melodious tone. "I can wait." For the game, yes, but for Dan? Good question. She curled up on the couch, resting her head on the top cushion as she waited for her companion. Waiting for him in more ways than one, he seemed so close and yet so far away. Her magic absent-mindedly levitated two controllers to their position while most of her attention was devoted to thinking about her man.
Dan entered the kitchen and went to the refrigerator. Twilight and Spike kept the house well-stocked with food all the time so there were always plenty of snacks to find. He reached for the sturdy door to grab a can of Mountain Daring Dew if there were any left. The door opened with a distinctive chuff.
"Zuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuule."
"Aw, crap," Dan closed the door immediately. He reached around the side of the fridge, forgetting he had activated the refrigerator's decoy defense mechanism.
"What is it?" Chrys asked from the living room.
"Nothing," Dan called back. "Forgot I set the fridge to Ghostbusters before we left." He switched the knob on the side, turning off the refrigerator's holographic projection system that made it seem like the fridge, when opened, displayed a doorway to another dimension rather than stored foodstuffs. Part of Dan's modifications to the kitchen, he purchased the fridge with the iconic movie façade projector specifically to confuse any guests in the house that might want to steal Dan's food.
Dan opened the fridge again, noticing that the appliance no longer contained a fake portal inside and retrieved a beverage. Closing the door, he looked outside the kitchen window to find he could barely see out. The rain was coming down heavy. He'd have to talk to Rainbow Dash and find out why there was an unscheduled storm today.
Turning back to the living room, another thing caught his eye. A plaque hung on the side of the wall next to a clock by the refrigerator. It wasn't something he'd noticed before but things had been rearranged in the house following the recent renovations. Dan squinted to take a closer look at it, he saw it had a framed photo on it and the plaque wasn't hanging from the wall; it was a carved part of the tree itself jutting out of the wall. Apparently, the shifting of the house had uncovered it.
The picture on the plaque was that of the tree itself, only newer-looking, a little smaller and younger. Two earth ponies stood in front of the tree, smiling. A brown stallion with a white mane and a young colt with a lighter brown coat and sandy mane held each other in the center of the photo. Underneath, words were cared into the wood:
Chancellor Rice Puddinghead IV and son Golden Oakes Library est. TT-RMN "A stable foundation today to reach a brighter future tomorrow"
Something about those words and the picture seemed familiar to Dan. It was as though he'd seen it before somewhere... well, of course he'd seen it before. He lived in the tree the picture was of but there was something about the ponies in it and... and the quote at the bottom but where did he-?
He reached into his pocket and retrieved the card that the earth stallion with the weird metal gloves gave him in Cloudsdale. Both the card and the plaque had similar slogans; they both mentioned something about the future. Was it just a coincidence?
"Whatcha looking at?" Chrys asked curiously, walking into the kitchen.
"Has this plaque always been here?" Dan asked, tapping the wooden protrusion.
Chrys leaned over his shoulder. "Huh, never noticed that before. Must've been part of the original wall before we redid the kitchen."
"Yeah..." Dan held his soft drink can against his chin, the coolness helping him think. "It looks like it's a picture of when the library was first built, a commemoration."
The changeling shrugged. "I guess. We could probably ask Twilight about it when she gets back."
Dan scratched his chin by rubbing the can. "You recognize either of the ponies in this photo?"
Chrys leaned back over Dan's shoulder. "Hmm... no, not really. Looks ancient though. If it was taken around the time the library was built, that would mean it's from just after Equestria's founding."
Dan turned to Chrys. "It says it's off some Chancellor-guy."
"Oh yeah," Chrys nodded. "Back when Equestria first started, the three pony tribes each had their own leader. Kind of a triumvirate. Earth ponies elected a chancellor, the commander of the pegasi armies led them and the unicorns had the royal family represented by the princess. That was a long time ago, though."
History hadn't been Dan's best subject but he found himself interested in Equestria's history. "How long ago was this?'
Chrys tapped her chin. "Well over a thousand years ago. Back then, most civilized creatures lived in Enchantria but it didn't really have a name at the time. For a long time, my species and the wendigos would feed off the excess emotions given by the creatures on the surface. The changelings were underground, the wendigos in the stratosphere but eventually, the changelings grew too numerous and we started going above the ground."
"And you started feeding on ponies directly on the surface?" Dan guessed.
The changeling nodded. "Not just ponies but everything. Eventually, the unicorns rose up and started developing spells to stop us, contain us and well... we got beaten," she giggled.
Dan chuckled, too. "Sounds like you got greedy, went above ground and got your flanks handed to you."
Chrys shrugged. "Kinda... would've probably been better if we tried to establish diplomatic relations first rather than just abducting ponies in the night, taking their place and leeching off their emotions by impersonating their loved ones. Oh well."
Dan rolled his eyes. "Probably."
"Anyway, Enchantria was beset on by monsters and disasters all the time until Starswirl the Bearded showed up. He took care of most of the monsters... including the changelings... but then he disappeared. Nopony knows where he went. Civilized creatures started forming tribes and leaving Enchantria, striking out to form their own nations. Zebras, griffons, donkeys, but the ponies were the last ones to leave. The crystal ponies started this huge mining operation but things changed when Sombra took over and eventually the mining caused an earthquake. Most of Enchantria was devastated and became a wasteland," Chrys explained.
Dan shook his head. "And this has what to do with the earth pony chancellor?"
"I'm getting to that," Chrys assured him. "The ponies formed their own tribes and tried to keep things going but eventually, with the climate shift, there was a famine. So, they searched for a new land and eventually found Equestria. They found out that the famine was being caused by the wendigos and that only harmony could really stop them, so Equestria was founded under the principle that all ponies should do their best to keep the harmony. And each of the cities were built to promote mutual coexistence."
Opening the can, Dan took a slug and swallowed. "So that's why all the ponies are really into this harmony stuff? They think it's keeping away monsters?"
Chrys began to pace in the kitchen. "It's more complicated than that. There's an actual magic to harmony, a force that ponies, that lots of creatures really, can tap into and use to accomplish amazing things. They... we believe that through harmony and friendship, we can do anything, build a better future."
Dan stopped mid drink when he heard the word future. What kind of a connection was there to all of this? He turned back to the plaque, looking at it. "But why isn't there a chancellor now?"
Chrys didn't have an answer for that. "I don't know. But I do know there were a few triumvirates before Discord took over Equestria. The whole 'three leaders' thing didn't work out and ponies argued over which government should be used over all Equestria and when they couldn't stop fighting over it, they feared the wendigos would come back. Then, one pony named Discovery suggested Equestria not have a government because they couldn't decide and everypony agreed. The moment they declared that, Discovery revealed himself to be Discord and he turned Equestria upside down. Literally."
The young human wasn't well-versed in politics but he did know a few things about tyranny. He looked at the picture again, studying it. "So Equestria had a chance at a representative government... but something happened. And then one day, the princess was given all the power. Or she took it."
Chrys averted her eyes, preferring not to talk ill of any princess, past, present or office. "You'd have to ask Twilight about that."
Dan rubbed his chin. "For generations apparently, there was an earth pony chancellor, a Pegasus general and a unicorn princess. And then, all of a sudden, that changed and the princess had control over everything. I'm not to sure but if I was a chancellor or a general, I wouldn't give up my position just on a whim."
The changeling shrugged. "And there's a lot of things I'd do for a Klondike bar. Speaking of which, do we have any Klondike bars?" Chrys nudged past Dan as he was still engrossed in the plaque and its meaning to open the refrigerator's freezer to retrieve one of its ice cream confections. The freezer closed a moment later. "Drat, Fluffle must've gotten to the last of them. I'm gonna go start the game up~" she cooed.
Slowly, Dan pried his attention off the wall plaque. He decided to ask Twilight about it when they got back from the spa. Dan enjoyed his position as the purple for-the-moment princess's chief of security and was eager to help her shape their own community. But how many other positions were there in the Equestrian governmental hierarchy? How many others had been in situations like his?
While Dan hated parts of it, he did like how his home country's government was structured. Dan preferred a representative government as it at least made it easy to find the people responsible and yell at them. Or abduct them and leave them naked in the woods with a list of amendments tied to a wolverine. He'd gone along with Equestria's government for a lot of reasons, foremost among them being the fact that magic was real in Equestria so he figured the rules might be different for a different world. And he had been right for the most part but hearing that this world, a world where the rules were supposed to be different had the same opportunities as Earth at one point... it made him wonder.
There was no denying Equestria had problems but that it also dealt with them in a way better than Earth. It experienced more harmony, more prosperity, a fact Dan admired about his new home. But what if not everypony saw things the same way he did? Specifically, what if another pony saw the opportunity for something else?
What if that opportunity had been denied to them? Snatched away? Squashed, squandered or sundered somehow? Ages ago, Equestria had had the same opportunity to experience a revolution the same way Earth had. For a time, there had been an elected chancellor and then the next day, there wasn't. Maybe... maybe not everypony agreed with that?
While this line of thinking was pure conjecture at the moment, Dan couldn't help but speculate. He didn't know much about Equestria's history or the countless ways the world was similar and different to Earth. He didn't know how ponies would react to the same things he'd experienced on Earth... he only knew how he reacted.
That made Dan very, very concerned.
"You coming, Dan?" Chrys called from the living room.
"Sure, yeah," Dan replied. Shaking out the questions, Dan discarded his empty beverage can and entered the living room with his game face on. He vaulted over the couch, taking position next to Chrys who immediately sifted, curling up next to him. Not that trying to see from his perspective was her goal; she just wanted to feel him against her. And not that Dan noticed for he only thought it was a ploy to gain advantage in their race.
The screen turned on, the pair selected their racers and the track to race on and within moments, they were at the digital starting line with the driving duel about to begin.
"I hope you're ready for defeat, cheater," Dan boasted. "You're about to get pounded."
"Mmmmm," Chrys purred. "Pound me, Dan." She rubbed her head on his arm, absent-mindedly playing with the end of his shirt with her perforated hoof.
Dan looked over to her brushing against him. He recoiled. "What?"
"Hm?" Chrys looked up. "What?"
"What did you just say?" Dan asked.
"I said... pound me... Dan..." the changeling admitted, redness rushing to her face and wings rising once more. She turned her head to one side. "That is, if you think you can." Her wings flicked and slowly lowered, trying to play off her slip of composure.
Naturally, Dan bought it. "Oh, eager for a beating, huh?"
She would have laughed if her estrogen wasn't boiling. "You have no idea..." she added with an inaudible murmur, "you gorgeous idiotic tease."
Rainbow Road again, the race began and the two quickly passed the incompetent A.Is. Computer-controlled players only added a sense of randomness to the match, an unknown variable to make things more interesting. Aside from using items that hindered the living, the computer players were just a nuisance compared to the skill of real drivers. Dan and Chrys left them in the dust, unable to do anything but provide future road hazards to slow them down.
As before, Dan quickly gained a commanding lead. Confidence found his way back to his face, frustration crept its way onto hers. Chrys sat on her belly, curled on the couch like an enormous cat-pony with her head and left foreleg on Dan's pants leg. The distracting feeling of his body heat underneath the blue jeans fabric was making her drool and had lead her into the wall at least three times. She longed to feel his fingers on him, running through her mane and down her back and imagining that happening was costing her the race again. Not that she cared.
She was just happy to be with Dan and out of that creepy spa... hopefully, Twilight and the others would be back soo-
A knocking came from the door. Four knocks; a first and a second followed by a third one which sounded like a hoof dragging across the surface and the fourth percussing loudly.
"Who's that?" Chrys asked. They both paused the game, looking to the door and listening. She looked to Dan. "Do... do you think that's them?"
Dan frowned back at her. "Why would Twilight knock on the door to her own house?"
Chrys' head lowered. "Because she doesn't want to interrupt us?"
The human rolled his eyes and sighed. The door was rapped again. "I'll go see who it is," he said, getting up.
A knot formed in Chrys' stomach, a cold fear. She looked out the nearby window to see the storm was still coming down. Who could've been out there? Or... what?
The door rumbled with another pair of slow knocks as Dan approached. "I'm coming!" he yelled to the other side of the door. "If you're a solicitor, your targeting parameters will be uploaded to the database for future reference!" Dan warned.
Chrys looked up from behind the couch. "Dan? I don't think that's a good idea..."
"What's not a good idea?"
"We don't know who that is..." Chrys watched.
"Uh, yeah," Dan stated flatly. "That's why I'm going to find out." The young man was smart; he peered out the peep hole to see who was beyond before opening the door. Unfortunately, the storm obscured his vision though he made out figures standing in front of the door. He checked the security terminal next to the door, something he himself installed. But the storm was hampering all sensory equipment; this was a problem he'd overlooked. He took a few seconds to try to recalibrate.
More knocking, this time more urgent.
Dan sighed heavily; he might as well open the door and get it over with. There would be time to fix the security later.
"Dan," Chrys tried to warn him one more time. "We don't know who that could be..." She crouched behind the couch's backside, eyes still focused on him.
"What are you worried about?" Dan chastised with a half smile. Grabbing the nob, he opened the door and glanced outside. "See?"
In front of the door were three ponies he'd never seen before. In fact, these three ponies were unlike any ponies he'd seen before. The light from the inside of the house illuminated their bodies revealing them to have glowing eyes, flat, unkempt manes and patches of their coats missing. They stood in front of him, momentarily blinded by the light as they stared with mouths hungrily agape and murmuring.
Dan looked back to the three visitors again to confirm his glance. He then turned again to Chrys. "See, Chrys? It's just a bunch of zombies."
"Hrrrrrrrar-ahhhrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaa," the lead zombie, a mare moaned.
Chrys' eyes were wide in shock and she froze on the other side of the couch. Dan noticed her reaction and for a moment was puzzled by it. His hand remained on the door knob as the realization finally dawned on him. He quickly spun around, looking back at the creatures.
"Haaaaaaaaaaaa," one of the zombies let out a hissing breath. Their reaction systems finally responding, their hooves moved them forward, dripping muzzles lunging to take a bite out of Dan.
Dan quickly closed the door on them. He braced himself on it and then reached over to the security console by the door. Keying a few controls, Dan remembered that the front door did not have a "zombie invasion" holographic projection sequence.
The door behind him began knocking violently as the zombponies realized there was fresh meat on the other side. Dan turned around, locking and double-locking the door before sacredly moving away from it. Shaking, the human backed up, gripped in fear.
"Dan?" Chrys peeped from behind the couch. "Dannnnn?" her voice trembled.
Dan's mind raced. "The sensors... the motion sensors were set to detect heat, the radar can't work in rain, none of the equipment we have is prepared for this contingency." His mind began to succumb to fear as he calculated his tactical mistakes. "Our defenses are useless... how could I have known I should've been preparing for this?!"
Chrys walked over to him, shaking. "Prepare... pre-prepare for what, Dan?"
The human grabbed her by the cheeks and screamed, "ZOMBIE PONIES!!!!!!!"
"ZOMBIE PONIES!" Dan yelled again.
"Zohmbeh Ponniezh?" Chrys asked, her cheeks squished by Dan's hands.
"YES!" he shook her as he panicked. "And the defenses to the house are down!"
Chrys' heart sank as her fears were confirmed. She gripped Dan's hands and the two held onto each other. "What are gonna do?!"
Dan pried off and looked back at her. "What do you mean, 'what're we gonna do?!' You've been around here for thousands of years, I'm trying to protect the house and you never think to tell me to prepare for zombies?!"
"I didn't know there'd be zombies!" Chrys said, frightened. "Zombie ponies aren't even real! They're just made-up old pony tales! The closest thing we came to those were the climate changelings but that turned out to be a hoax and-" A pounding noise cut her off. Hungry groans echoed through the door followed by the scratching of hooves.
He shook her again. "We're not talking about some made-up stories, some legend or some best-selling video game! This is REAL! They're right outside the door!"
"You're sure all the defenses are offline?!" Chrys asked.
"The turrets sensors were calibrated to detect heat, not the living dead!" Dan confirmed.
"Well, can't we re-target them or something?!" A loud crunch punctuated Chrys' statement.
Dan thought quickly. He'd memorized the enclosed instruction booklet that came with the Greatly Efficient Tactically Optimized Fast Firing Multi-Assault Independent Laser Armored Weapons Network and knew that the turrets couldn't be altered from the inside without adding themselves to the targeting roster. As one of his more genius(at least he thought) ideas, Dan modified the concealed turrets surrounding the perimeter of the house so that they had to be adjusted from both the control station inside the house and manually outside or they would fire on whoever tried to mess with them. Non-lethal stun beams, of course... at first.
"We can't add the zombies to the targeting system without adding ourselves, too!" Dan yelled. "We'd have to activate the system from inside and then be outside for the turrets to differentiate between us and the zombies, then remove our own telemetry from the computer!"
"But... why can't we do that?! There's only three zombies outside and they're preoccupied with the door now!" Chrys said.
"We'd still have to be in two places at once! If we try to manipulate the turret's sensors from the outside, they'll activate on us and if we try to activate them from the inside, they won't scan us!" Dan paced, exasperatedly thinking. "Whoever was on the outside would still be on the roster and whoever was inside wouldn't be scanned!"
Chrys grabbed Dan's face. "WHY DID YOU MAKE THE SECURITY SYSTEM SO COMPLICATED?! HOW DO YOU RESET THE TARGETING SYSTEM WHEN YOU CAN'T BE TWO PLACES AT ONCE?!"
Dan shrugged. "I usually teleported with Twilight! It's an extra layer of defense so that only we would know how to use the system!"
Chrys growled. "WELL FAT LOTTA GOOD THAT DOES US NOW THAT SHE'S A ZOMBIE!"
The human grabbed Chrys' hooves and lowered them. "We're not sure she's a zombie yet! We don't know who those zombies were outside!"
A portion of the door broke off in the living room, wood smashing as a mangled hoof stuck through. The growling grew louder, more eager. They were running out of time.
"Can you teleport us?!" Dan asked. He practically had to yell over the groans.
Chrys knew how to teleport but not very far. She was just learning it with Twilight and could barely do it a few feet, much less through solid objects at the time. "No... but maybe there's another way."
"What way?! How are we going to be at the control console AND in front of the turret sensors at the same time?!" Dan demanded.
"We aren't," Chrys said. A green flame engulfed her and her body had changed. "You are."
A smile spread over the original Dan's space. "I knew there was a reason I made you my XO when I became a guard captain."
The other Dan beamed. "Because I won't get stuck to the ceiling or randomly remake the house in the image of my secret crush?"
Dan chuckled. "That, too." He grabbed the changed changeling by the wrist and led her to the backdoor of the house. "And I'm pretty sure if you had a secret crush, I'd know about it."
Chrys' original eyes momentarily broke through her human façade. She still had difficulty transforming into humans and Dan's obliviousness to her affection did not help her concentration. Summoning some magic again, she refocused and her eyes flared green, returning to copies of Dan's.
The two approached the door of the kitchen. "All right, you're going to have to stay out there while I align the controls from in here. The zombies are at the front door you should be fine as long as you're quiet."
Chrys nodded. "Okay. Is there anything special I have to do?"
"No," Dan reached for the door. "Just stand there and the turrets will do the work. On the zombies," he clarified.
"Uh huh," she nodded.
"It'll be fine," Dan assured her. "As long as the zombies are on the other side of the house, we'll have the defenses up and running in no time." He opened the backdoor.
"Greeeeeeeeeeeeh," three voices murmured.
It took both of them a moment to realize the zombies weren't the same ones from the front door but rather, three new ones. The reason it took them so long to notice was that these three were smaller.
Dan's heart sank. "Oh, flank me."
"Cuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttie Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrk Crusaderssssssssssss... legion of the undeadddddddddddd... yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..." Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle's forms lurched towards the doorway with adorable, yet horrifying clumsiness. Their eyes glowed, their mouths dripped some kind of saliva and their manes were a horrible mess of twigs and... cucumbers?
Dan slammed the door and pressed his back against it. The sound of three heads bumping into the wood frame behind him reverberated through the wall. It was followed by zombie filly giggles and then more groans.
"It's those three again!" Dan yelled. "What are they even doing here?!"
Chrys, returning to her original form in a flash, shrugged. "Trying to get their cutie marks in... eating brains?"
The human turned an un-amused frown on his cohort. "They flanked us. It's all right; we still have another way out! Follow me!" Dragging the changeling again, he took her down the hallway into the new command and control wing of library. He took her down the hallway, past the hangar and to an emergency exit at the end.
"Okay, same plan as before, we get outside, we get the turrets set up and then-" he opened the door. "And let them deal with the zombies. All right?"
Chrys' eyes stared out the doorway. "Um, Dan?"
A large, red figure stood in their way. A pair of glowing eyes stared back them.
"Big... Big Mac?!" Chrys muttered. "Big Mac's a zombie?!!"
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyup," the shambling stallion answered.
Dan slammed the door on the new arrival but was nearly pushed out of the way. Chrys helped him secure the emergency exit against the work pony's strength, pressing her own back against the door until it finally closed.
"What're we gonna do now? WHAT THE HAY ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?!" Chrys screamed. "We're screwed! That's it! Game over, Dan! Game over!"
"No! NO!" Dan denied. "The game's not over until we're the last ones standing! Alive or otherwise!"
Something slammed into the door behind them, something heavy. The two backed away from it.
"We're safe in the house... we're safe in the house..." Chrys muttered to herself.
Dan tapped her. "And when they get in the house?"
Chrys' eyes went wide again. "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! GET OUT OF THE HOU-"
He grabbed her again. "I JUST SPENT THE LAST WEEK TRYING TO REBUILD THIS HOUSE! I'M NOT LETTING SOME BRAINLESS CORPSES WRECK IT AGAIN!"
"But... but what do we do?!" Chrys trembled.
Dan looked her straight in the eyes. "We do what we can. If we know Twilight, she probably has half a dozen books on fighting zombies. We're gonna go upstairs, you're gonna look for a book on zombies and I'm going to do what I do best."
"Wha-what are you going to do?" Chrys inquired in a frightened tone.
He looked into the distance with a confident smirk and replied, "I'm going to sweep the perimeter."
Disasters, emergency situations, crisis didn't create character; it revealed it and Dan was a crisis character. While he reinforced the structure at various points, boarded the windows and doors, Chrys searched Twilight's library for a solution to zombies.
"Have you found anything yet?!" Dan called as he bolted an empty bookshelf to the damaged front door.
Chrys' head popped up from a pile of books in the living room. "Not really..."
"What's that supposed to mean?!!" he yelled as he smashed a clawing hoof back through the door breach.
"Well, there's a lot of books here..."
Dan and even some of the zombies glared at Chrys' obvious statement through the broken doorway.
She glared back at them. "There's a LOT of books on ZOMBIES here but they're mostly fiction... and even fan fiction..."
"That doesn't help us!" Dan yelled. "Maybe Twilight has her own emergency plans! Check her room!" He batted back the zombies with a cordless power drill and slapped a wood panel over the hole.
"Okay," Chrys nodded. "You gonna be okay down here?"
A crash from the kitchen indicated Dan had more work to do. "I'll be fine- just keep looking!"
"All right! I'll be right back!" Chrys flew, unstiffening her wings for what felt like the umpteenth time today and flying to Twilight's room. Fortunately, the zombies were behaving much like typical zombies and not climbing the structure so there were no breaches on the top floor. The changeling searched through Twilight's private book collection for anything regarding the undead.
Strangely though, Twilight's own book collection was small. Unbeknownst to Chrys, the purple mare had actually reorganized her own stash lately and was really only focused on one book at the time. Not only that, the only book in her room lay open on her desk next to an unlit lamp trained on its pages.
Not finding anything else, Chrys decided to check it. Predictably, the book was a spell book opened to a bit of magic Twilight must've been researching at the time. Some kind of transformation spell, it looked as though it was designed to allow unicorns to become alicorns... or maybe the opposite. Although time was of the essence, Chrys couldn't help but notice how the spells were written. The book was filling of conjecture, theories and even warnings but it seemed like the author was detailing an absurd list of options for somepony seeking a last resort.
The front of the title of the book read in an odd, bold imprint: Arcane Apology.
The book listed ways of controlling ponies' minds, hypnotizing them and detailed how magic worked on different creatures, like experiments. She didn't find what she was looking for but she did see an interesting piece of advice. Towards the beginning, a spell on reversing magic had been dog-eared and a note had been written at the top of the page: Sometimes going backwards means going forwards... and in reverse. Maybe if she tried using reversing magic on the zombies, treating it like they were cursed, could that cure them?
Chrys trotted back down to the living room. "I think I found something, Dan," she called to him. "But I need to test it."
"Test what?" Dan asked from the kitchen. "You find some magical mystery cure-all spell up there?"
"Not exactly but... we need to capture a zombie."
Dan's power drill stopped spinning as his mind processed Chrys' statement. "You mean... you want me to let one of the things IN the house?"
Chrys tapped her chin. "Well, I hadn't really thought about how but that's actually a good idea."
"Good idea? GOOD IDEA?!" Dan stopped fortifying the house to approach his comrade. "We've spent the last half hour trying to keep those things OUT of the house and now you want to let one IN?!"
"We're out of options, Dan. We can't just keep fixing these barricades forever," Chrys said. As she made that remark, Dan zipped around to the three locations in the house to quickly rebuild the breaking barricades before the zombies could invade. It would've been easier if he'd had a TEAM though but CoD's zombie mode had taught him much about covering weak points.
"Speak for yourself! I can do this all day!"
"Dan..." Chrys approached him, stopping him as he ran to nail yet another board to the pile of wood attached to the front door.
"What is it?" he asked. "C'mon, Chrys if I don't keep this up we're... we're..." he stopped when he saw her expression. This wasn't a battle he could win his way. This was Wario Stadium in real life for Dan. Which meant it was time to try something else. The nails in the corner of his mouth hit the floor along with wood, his power drill, tool belt, holographic Omni-tool, Jack Ryan's wrench, Gordon Freeman's crowbar, Mario's Ultra Hammer and Ford Prefect's towel.
Dan nodded at Chrys. "All right... we do things your way."
The front door to the library creaked under pressure. Despite Dan's installation of high-powered weapons systems, the structure of the Golden Oakes Library was still made of wood as it had been before it fell over. It was still a living tree, no matter how many electrical outlets, power converters or additional pylons Dan constructed on it. The recent renovations had only reinforced the necessary parts of the tree house leaving most of the doors and exterior portions the same quality they had been before. Dan had made a mental note to correct that problem... if they survived.
Zombie ponies, as was the nature of all undead, were drawn to movement and activity. As such, when the small groups of zombies banged on the doors of Twilight's library, more began to gather until the lawn became lurching-room-only. A legion of glowing eyes and drooling mouths were turned towards the tree as a chorus of hungry growls and mournful moans drowned out all other sound. Like an angry mob, they surrounded the Golden Oakes Library, the few closest to the structure pounding on it with hooves, heads and horns while the rest shuffled over each other or aimlessly about.
Dan found it only slightly more annoying than the average solicitor. From behind the couch moved from the living room over to the stairway closet, they watched the front door as the zombie ponies continued bashing against it. Several holes had already appeared around the sides through which mangled hooves attempted to grasp but the door itself remained hinged and shut. Dan's propriety for multiple locks had ensured the door remained in its place despite being compromised.
Without the additional reinforcements Dan had attempted to weld bolt into place, the door's locks were rapidly degenerating. Both he and Chrys felt their hearts pounding as they waited for the first trotters to break through.
Chrys looked to Dan next to her, seeing the concern they both shared. She put a hoof on his forearm. "Dan... if this doesn't work..."
"It'll work. It has to work," Dan nodded, gaze fixed on the door.
"But, what I'm saying is, if you have another plan-"
"I always have another plan," Dan said. He broke eye contact with the door and they both looked at each other for one full moment. "Always. But we can't try any of them."
"Why not?" Chrys asked.
Dan turned back to the door. "The difference between this plan and the others..." he trailed off.
"What?"
"This plan has to work. Because while I do always have another plan, none of them will work. I have them... but I already know they won't work."
Chrys swallowed hard.
Finally, the door to the house broke open. It broke off its hinges and hit the floor, breaking into two solid chunks. The first of the zombie ponies that had been immediately in front of the door fell with it, her comrades quickly trampling her under hoof. But their eager hunger caused them to become stuck in the doorway as too many bodies struggled to be the first inside.
Chrys looked up from the couch, her fear momentarily squelched from sheer awe at stupidity. "Really? I mean... really?"
Dan stood himself. "NOT ALL AT ONCE YOU DEAD DOLTS!" Chrys had to wonder if he was going to try and spray them with the hose until they formed a single-file line.
To their credit, good manners had been so effectively prevalent in Equestrian society that Dan's shouting did cause some of the crowding corpses to slow their struggling, allowing the ones ahead of them to squeeze forward. Somewhere, deep in the minds of the ponies were parts of who they had been still holding sway of muscle control over animalistic cravings. Still, once courtesy had been observed, the glowing-eyed trotters resumed their fervent, clumsy strides to feed on Dan and Chrys.
"All right, they're inside, Chrys. You ready?" Dan asked.
She nodded her response, watching the approaching zombies. The crowd outside quickly began filing in, the trampled mare now crawling on the floor. Some of the zombies meandered once in the living room; one stallion's muzzle brushed an entire shelf of books to the paneling before he himself fell over. But the first pair were still focused on Dan and Chrys, making their way over to the house's only non-zombie occupants.
"Eww," Chrys remarked. "They're tracking zombie goo on the floor."
"Just make sure that none of it's on you. They're almost in position..." Dan gripped the edge of the couch.
"I'm ready, Dan," Chrys said, frightened but determined.
Dan watched as the zombies lurched towards them, crossing the foyer, trailing rose-colored goo on the throw rug. More poured in, quickly forming a mob behind the first lucky visitors. One of them brushed against the N64 and bumped into the television, not entirely noticing Dan and Chrys. Three of them, three mares continued getting closer, closer, until finally they were in the center of the living room.
"NOW! DROP IT!" Dan yelled.
A ray shot from Chrys' horn and severed a rope attached to the ceiling. Bookshelves, furniture, pieces of plywood, an anvil, a refrigerator, a safe, a weighted companion cube, a Thwomp and an autographed copy of Ayn Reignd's Atlas Squeed all dropped onto the zombies from above. They crushed the three ghouls and plunged through the floor, dropping down through the living room.
"YES!" Dan jumped up triumphantly. "Now move the couch!" With only seconds to react, the pair used the couch as a battering ram and pushed the zombies out of the house. They had to swerve to catch a few stragglers but Dan's strength and Chrys' levitation magic used the overturned sofa's cushions like a shovel to scoop up the zombies and force them back out through the front door. When they were done, they quickly bolted the couch to the sides of the doorway and placed pieces of the door around the holes to block out further breaches. Finally, Dan hung a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the doorknob even though it now faced the inside of the house. "That should hold them for a while. TO THE BASEMENT!!"
Another new addition to the house, the basement was actually Spike's contribution to the reconstruction(along with an eight-meter tall freestanding marble sculpture of Rarity none of them wanted to talk about.) Unlike the command and control aspects of the tree house, the basement hadn't been planned; rather, after an accident created it, Spike put up walls, dredged groundwater and attached the new room to the foundation and gave it a floor that connected to the roots of the tree. The basement's only way in or out apart from the new gaping hole above it was a dumbwaiter that connected to the kitchen, presumably so a certain baby dragon could come down and have a quiet place to secretly design new artwork representing a white unicorn mare.
With Dan riding on Chrys' back, the pair descended from the hole in the living room, careful not to land within bite range of the zombies. The moment they touched down, Chrys plucked a squirming zombie pony from the pile or refuse. Dan cleared the nearby table of several creepily intimate drawings of Rarity and Chrys plopped the zombie on it with a wet thud. The creature, formerly a mare, slobbered and struggled weakly to stand as its limbs, mouth and even tail wriggled to gnash at its captors.
"Great, we got one. Now you can find out what's wrong with her so we can solve this whole thing," Dan stated. "I'm up for any solution. Removing the head, destroying the brain, finding the subject zero, retrieving the anti-virus... something with bees or experimental drugs."
"Yeah, umm," Chrys pinned the zombie to the table with her magic. "I just uh, need you to do me one little thing."
"What's that?" Dan asked skeptically.
"Restrain her," she head-gestured to the zombie with a smile.
Dan's eyes darted between her and the creature. "With what? You want me to wave a brain under her nose to distract her?!"
"No, Dan..." she dismissed his sarcasm. "Where would we find a brain at this hour, anyway?"
Dan shrugged. "No clue."
"Well, we have to find something to hold her down. I can't hold her down and use the reverse spell at the same time," Chrys said.
Dan looked around. "Wait, I got it," he ducked underneath the table for a second. When he came back up, he was holding a pile of pink mass.
"Do... do I want to know what that is?"
He sniffed it. "It's bubblegum. Probably from when Flim and Flam had to use that crazy robot and its 'solution' had to pry us off."
"What's it doing under the table?" Chrys had to ask.
"Spike was making Rarity sculptures out of it."
Chrys shuddered. "I didn't want to know..."
"Well, at least we know it's sticky enough to restrain her," Dan said, moving to the zombie. Using her magic, Chrys held out one of the zombie mare's back legs for Dan to secure to the table. He grabbed a wad of gum and stuck it to the surface.
"Hmmm huh? What?"
"Did she just..." Chrys' jaw dropped.
"Where am I? Who are you... changelings?!"
Dan shook his head in disbelief. "She's alive?!"
The former zombie mare looked around. She was in a small, dark room with the queen of the changelings and an alien holding down her legs. Her heart began to race as her mind began to jump to extremely unpleasant conclusions. "Please... please, no," the mare trembled.
"Her eyes have stop glowing," Chrys said. She released her magic hold and walked over to her. "What happened?"
"Stay back!" she scrambled to the edge of the table. "Get your tentacles away from me! GET AWAY! HELP!"
"Calm down!" Dan yelled, shaking her. "We're not gonna hurt you! We don't have... tentacles. I'm just a human and she's a changeling!" Naturally, Dan assumed that when the mare mentioned tentacles, she was demonstrating a simple ignorance at having never met a human or changeling before instead of what she was really thinking.
The mare looked back and fourth between the two strangers. Dan released her legs and she recoiled. "Whu-why am I here? What is this place?"
"This is our basement," Chrys said. "And I know this is gonna be kind of a shock to you but... you were a zombie just a few seconds ago."
"A-a zombie?" she appeared scared. "Like... I was drugged? Hypnotized?" The mare looked over herself, still confused or frightened.
"Yeah, hypnotized into having a two-course meal of country-fried changeling and human hamburger!" Dan yelled in protest.
The mare looked confused. "Country-fried... what? I was trying- trying to eat both of you?"
Chrys nodded. "From what we can figure. Your eyes were glowing and you kept moaning, lurching and shambling towards us. Like a zombie."
"I was a zombie?" the mare asked, beginning to understand. "You mean like those two behind you?"
Dan turned around to see the other two mares reaching out to grab him from behind. He then turned back to Chrys and the mare. "Yes, exactly like those two."
"Uh, Dan?"
Realization hit Dan and he double-taked. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" the human yelled, dodging the first zombie's downward bite. With nothing else nearby, Dan swung a gum-clutching fist at the mares, whapping both with a chewy pink flap. It smacked against both of them, soaking their faces in a greenish residue.
"Hey!"
"Ow!" both mares said.
"What?" Dan asked in disbelief.
"What did I just get hit with?" one asked.
"Where... are we?" the other questioned. "Oh crap... don't tell me there's gonna be tentacles."
Chrys and Dan ignored them, both looking at the gum as Dan held it up to the light. "It's the gum! Or... the SOLUTION! Whatever Flim and Flam sprayed us with to get us unstuck, that's what's curing them of their zombification!"
"Flim and Flam did say it was a cure-all..." Chrys remembered back. "I can't believe those actually sold something that worked."
Dan grinned. "Ah, but remember? This is a free sample."
"Well, it obviously is what cures the zombies but how do we get more of it?"
One of the mares wiped their face and sniffed. "Hey... this stuff smells like that new oil we got at the spa."
"Yeah, it does!" the other remarked.
"Wait, I knew I saw you three before!" Chrys said. "You're the three ponies that usually work at the spa, aren't you?"
The first one they'd awakened nodded, getting off the table. "Yeah, all three of us. Why? Does that seem strange?"
Dan and Chrys both deadpan frowned at the ponies. "Together, Dan?" Chrys asked.
"Gladly." Both of them took deep breaths, closed their eyes, raised rage-fueled limbs to the ceiling and yelled:
"SPA DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The spa ponies uncovered their ears.
"Okay... why did you guys just yell 'spa day'?"
"Never mind that," Dan held up the gum again. "You're saying more of the carnies' tonic is at the spa?"
The mares nodded. "We were on the way back from getting some potions from Zecora when Flim and Flam just came up to us in the middle of the Everfree Forest. They gave us tons of free massage oils and a bunch of other junk. We didn't know what to do with most of it but then one of our customers suggested we use it to automate the spa, make things more modern."
Dan and Chrys exchanged looks. "Flim and Flam offered you something for FREE... and you just took it?"
Again, the three nodded. "They seemed kinda in a hurry to be rid of the stuff."
Dan facepalmed. "Ya know, it makes sense that you ponies would be easy to zombify... CONSIDERING HOW LITTLE YOU USE YOUR BRAINS!"
Chrys gave her companion a frown. "So, there's more of this stuff back at the spa?"
"Yeah, they gave us like a dozen barrels of it. It should be in the storeroom on the east side."
"All right, so we know where it is," Chrys said. "All we have to do is get it and somehow get it to... everypony in town. That shouldn't be too hard."
Dan returned her frown. "Fighting through hordes of zombies, distributing a cure to the entire population and our only weapon is used wad of bubblegum?" he held up the gum wad and smiled. "I don't think we brought enough for everypony."
Chrys looked at the gum and considered her options. "Getting across the town isn't the problem; once we get to the spa, we're gonna need something to protect ourselves on the inside."
"Hey! Maybe I can use you as a gun like I did with Twilight!" Dan shouted enthusiastically. "Why didn't we think of that before?"
The would-be weapon shook her head. "I don't know Twilight's repulsion spells. Most of my offensive magic is only useful on single targets in large bursts; it's kind of that way for all changelings. We're used to being the horde, not fighting one."
"Drat..." Dan's head sunk. While he was disappointed that the idea wouldn't work, he was more disappointed that he wouldn't be able to use another pony minigun to solve a problem. "Would've been so easy just to gun all of them down."
"Dan," Chrys' voice was appalled. "We're not trying to hurt anypony! We can save them all if we can find a way to distribute the cure to the whole population! But I don't know how we could get the tonic to all of them without just dumping it into the water supply. Even then, I don't think zombies need to stay hydrated."
"No..." Dan thought. "But they can be hydrated."
"What do you mean?"
"The clouds!" Dan pointed up. "It was cloudy when we got back! If we can somehow mix it with the water, we can make it rain and de-zombify the whole town!"
Chrys raised an eyebrow. "And you know how to control the weather?"
The human held up a convenient brochure. "Learned all about it while I was searching for Derpy. Once the clouds are in position, you just add whatever chemical you need to the main hub and it mixes it in with the water. Hit the switch and you've got whatever weather you want."
"And you know where all this is?"
Dan held the brochure up unfolded and pointed to a map. "Right next to the gift ship."
Chrys facehooved. "All right, that solves the hard part, now all we need is a way to get past all the zombies."
"You're sure you can't be a machine gun?" Dan asked. He walked around to her back. "Maybe your safety's just on."
"My what?" Chrys asked, redness finding her cheeks again.
The spa ponies watched Dan's closer examination with wide eyes. "Hawt."
"No... darn. You're different than Twilight," he remarked.
She looked back to him. "You mean that in a good way... right?"
"Hmmm..." Dan rubbed his chin, distracted. Using a pony as a makeshift rifle wasn't the most complicated procedure. Unicorns and similar ponies created, absorbed and stored magic through most of their bodies and controlled focused it outwardly through their horns. But while the horn was the concentration of this magic, it could still be controlled using other parts of the body through proper stimulation of muscles. When Dan, Pinkie Pie or another pony twirled a unicorn's tail, the reflexive action caused a burst of magic to be launched from the horn.
Using a unicorn as a gun was actually practical in some situations as it allowed the pony to focus on channeling and concentrating while the individual focused on aiming and timing. The end result was a team effort that maximized the efficiency of the pair and allowed for much faster and controlled magical attacks. Not only that, trigger-happy and violence-craving individuals like Dan relished the opportunity to use a magical machinegun.
Dan thought. "Maybe if we-"
"Dan!" Chrys 180'd, "we're not using me as a minigun! I don't work that way! You might as well holster my horn because it's not getting used to shoot anything!"
A grin formed over Dan's face. "Maybe not to shoot anything..." He took the gum wad and stuck it on Chrys' horn. "Maybe just to jab something!"
For a moment, the changeling was dumbfounded. She stared at the pink ball at the end of her horn. "Did... did you seriously just stick used bubblegum to my horn?"
Dan nodded triumphantly. "And you're going to use it to stick it to any zombies who try to get near us."
Chrys couldn't help a disgusted expression from forming on her face. "I... I am?" Moving her head from side-to-side, she had to admit that it didn't come off easily, despite that it was revolting.
"A single smack should be good enough to un-zombie a few ponies," he climbed on her back. "Now, let's get going! Let's end this flesh-eating nightmare before Nightmare Night!"
"If this doesn't work, you're cleaning my horn next week!" Chrys warned, taking to the sky with Dan on top of her. They ascended out of the hole and back into the living room.
"That's cool!" one of the mares in the basement said. "You can just leave us here! We'll be fine with all the zombies all over the place."
"Hey," another one of them said, "look at this." She held up a diagram. "It looks like a statue or something." The spa trio looked over the chart, intrigued.
The barricades they set up were still holding but zombies still crowded the outside of the library.
"Twilight would be happy Golden Oakes is seeing this much attention," Chrys remarked.
"Yeah," Dan agreed. "And I wouldn't mind testing the telemetry sensors on not-mindless targets for once."
"Let's not open the doors for them while she's gone," Chrys said confidently. "I'll take us out through the upstairs window. Hang on!"
The changeling flew up the stairs and into Twilight's room. They paused only briefly to open the window, hover out and close it behind them before flying away and leaving the library behind them. Owlowiscious barely even noticed the two as they swept through Twilight's room; he was busy playing Team Left 4 Half-Portal 32.
Although they'd originally theorized that the majority of the zombie ponies were around the library, it was clear to Dan and Chrys as they flew over Ponyville that they had underestimated the horde's numbers. The streets were filled with glowing eyes and trotting, tumbling flesh-eaters. A myriad of colorful coats made it difficult even to see the road underneath them. It was like a sea of zombies all groaning, moaning and waiting for the next meal to make itself known to them.
"Wow," Chrys looked down. "I guess the town looks ready for Nightmare Night."
Taking the opportunity to capitalize on the moment, Dan pulled out his cell phone and entered camera mode. He focused on a large section of the street and snapped a picture. "Fantastic!"
Still maintaining their course, Chrys took a moment to look over her shoulder at Dan. "Don't start saying you've covered wars, now."
"Ah, but you know I'm a proud veteran of the war at home," Dan said confidently.
"Let's make sure you don't lose this one, cap." Chrys gunned her wings and accelerated towards the spa.
As they passed through town, a couple earth ponies on a rooftop nearby took notice of the situation as well. Unlike the rest of the town, their eyes weren't glowing.
"Is that it?" Michael asked.
"No," Barro, replied for the eleventh time. He held his head in his hooves as Michael gestured to the horde of zombies on the street below.
"What about that? Is that it?"
"No."
"Is that the line? Is that the line for the raffle?"
Barro sighed. "If you ask me that again, I'm pushing you over the side."
Michael said nothing but continued searching.
It only took Chrys and Dan a couple minutes to reach the spa from the air. With Dan on her back, the queen hadn't flown as fast as she could, lest her boyfriend(in her mind) fall off to the waiting maws below. They hovered above the entrance, taking a moment to survey the situation.
"Guess it was too much to ask for the place to be deserted," Chrys said. The area was surrounded, just like the library. It looked as though the zombie horde had no end.
"Well, I actually thought about that, too," Dan informed Chrys. "Remember when you said you weren't like Twilight?"
Chrys turned around. "Yeah..."
The human leaned forward on her back, displaying a rare, soft smile. "Do you think you could act more like her?"
"What do you mean?" she asked skeptically.
Dan's smile never faded. He added with a wink, "You know what I mean."
"Ohhhhhhhh," Chrys nodded. She smiled back at him.
The reception area of the spa, like the outside, was packed with zombies. Their moans echoed off the walls as they meandered about, bumping into things in a clumsy fashion. Their manes dripped wet with the solution that had zombified them, trickling to the floor along with their own saliva.
Spike could see all of this from his position at the receptionist's desk, but he couldn't do anything about it. Bound to the chair and gagged, the small dragon was helpless as he watched the zombies meander about. For some reason, the zombie ponies didn't seem interested in him, however. It was probably because of the rabbit mask attached to his head; maybe it confused them somehow. He wasn't eager to test this theory, so for the past few hours since Yes Man had captured him in the bathroom, Spike had been trying to use his tail to position himself closer to the edge of the desk and possibly use it to cut his bindings. Not that he'd had much luck.
Every so often, the zombies would approach the desk and he would stop, feeling his heart pound as he tried to keep silent. Each time, they'd give up and walk away but it hadn't helped his situation. He didn't know if trying to untie himself would alert the zombies but he had to try; he had to help Twilight and the others.
Taking another deep breath, the imprisoned dragon made another attempt to get closer to the edge of the desk. All was quiet as he lowered his tail and pushed off the floor with the tip, gaining another inch. Again, he felt his heart pounding in his chest. Every breath was pained as he tried to remain quiet. A little closer now... a little closer and then-
BRRRRRRRAAAAAM!
Something struck the entrance doors and would've sent Spike out of his chair if he hadn't been tied to it. Eyes wide, he looked to the door as the sound struck again.
BBBBBBBBBRRRRRBRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAM!!
Fear found Spike again. His eyes froze as he watched the door. What could it be? A tank? A charger? Bloater? Necromorph Brute? Dozens of possibilities flashed through Spike's mind before-
Br-Braaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! A horn penetrated the door and cut down the center. It sawed the length from top to bottom and then the entire door exploded open.
"Attention, zombies!" Dan shouted as he entered, holding a Twilight Sparkle in both hands like an uplifted chainsaw. "Your spa day's about to be... cut short!"
"Mmmmmmammmmm?!!" Spike muffled at the sight from behind his mask.
The sound of a chainsaw filled the air and Dan swung Twilight's horn in the direction of the nearest zombie. Strangely enough though, Twilight's horn was shaped like Chrys' and appeared somehow... pink. Spike watched as the zombie lunged at Dan and Twilight, only for Dan to dodge and slice off the pony's mane. The zombified stallion's lunge turned into a dive and he slumped to the floor, eye glow fading.
Two more zombies advanced on the duo from opposite sides. Without turning, Dan used the "butt" of his gun to bash one mare in the face, with Chrys-Twilight delivering a quick kick shortly after. He then quickly swiped Twi-Chrys' horn to slice the mane off the other zombie, causing it to fall to the floor.
Twi-Chrys leapt from Dan's arms to chop the mane off the fallen mare while Dan secured the door behind them. Within moments, they'd secured the reception area and created some breathing space but there were still zombies in the spa. Picking up Twi-Chrys again, Dan easily outmaneuvered the zombies that advanced from the reception area, cutting off manes and rendering dozens of ponies bald but also unzombified. Due to exhaustion, the recovered ponies went unconscious the moment their hair was removed and their eyes returned to normal.
When Dan and Chrys were done, the foyer was a pile of ponies and various colors of pony hair. Dan huffed as he held his trusty chainsaw mare, satisfied with his job. "So that's how you deal with zombie ponies... a buck to the head or destroying the mane."
Chrys changed back to her normal form and brushed some loose mane off his shoulder. "You got red on you."
"Ha," Dan laughed, "we're not done yet. Let's go get the tonic and then distribute it to the town before we have to make them all bald."
It was then they noticed Spike struggling on the chair. "MMMM! MMMM-MMM!"
"Spike?" Chrys walked over and used her magic to untie him.
The dragon spat the gag out of his mouth. "Dan! Chrys! Thank Celestia you guys showed up!"
"Here to save you all from your own naïve natures once again," Dan dusted off his hands. "How did you get tied up?"
"It was that robot-guy," Spike said. "All I did was ask where the bathroom was and he tried to spray me with that pink stuff Twilight and the others were soaking in. But I guess it didn't work on me... so he tied me up and left me here."
"Where's the other receptionist?" Chrys asked, picking up the rabbit mask and setting it on the desk.
"I don't know. I haven't seen her since we last saw her. But Yes Man's still here..." Spike said.
"Where are Twilight and the others?" Dan asked.
Spike turned and pointed down the hall, to the central area where they went previously. "They're still in the hot tubs... Yes Man... he's doing something to them."
"Doing what- hey, wait!"
Dan didn't have to ask what. He knew where his friends were and he was on his way to help them. Spike and Chrys broke into a trot to follow him, trailing behind as Dan hurried.
The interior of the spa didn't have any zombies, at least none the group could see. Pink liquid dripped from the ceiling and pooled on the floor in some spaces in small amounts. Dan didn't notice any of it as he sprinted down the hallway into the central area he'd only left a couple short hours before. Spike and Chrys did however, along with a strangely sweet violin music flowing from the speakers.
Dan was able to spot Twilight and the rest of their friends instantly. Still occupying the same hot tubs as before, the water was turned a sickly pink and being siphoned by tubes and pumped up into the ceiling. Unlike the other zombies, their eyes swam in a myriad of colors and images: pictures plastered on the walls.
As he walked closer, he nearly stepped on something- Yes Man. The robot's spherical body lay on the floor, screen turned off. Dan prodded it once with his foot and resisted the urge not to kick its display in. He looked at his friends, their mouths hanging open, twitching every now and then as if mouthing words. They were in a trance of some kind. Turning around, Dan saw their eyes were projecting images on the walls behind him like some sort of twisted drive-in movie. He recognized himself if several of the pictures and instantly realized he was watching their memories.
It was then Dan noticed another figure at the back of the room. With the red light, it was hard to see anything but the dark cloak the individual was wearing but it was clear to Dan this was another pony. He was about to say something when Chrys and Spike caught up to him.
"Hey, did you find..." Chrys' voice trailed off when she trotted into the room. She and Spike noticed Dan staring at the wall and turned to see what he saw.
"What the h-"
"Hi there!" a chipper voice said from behind them. "Have you come back to join your friends?"
The three spun around to see Yes Man, now hovering in front of them. Unlike before though, his display screen was blood red and his eyes were dark.
"You! What the hell have you done to our friends?!" Dan shouted in a rage. He leapt to grab the robot but it dodged.
"Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't let you disassemble me. That would make it hard for me to complete my mission," the robot politely informed them.
"Your mission?" Spike repeated.
"That's right- my mission!" the robot hovered over to where the mares in the hot tubs sat, still soaking. "I'm a Future Integrations Stable-Tec mk. 1 Safebot! My job is to observe Twilight Sparkle and her companions and relay data back to Stable 5! And to secure Equestria's future no matter the cost!"
"Stable-what?" Dan asked.
"Or, it was," the robot continued. "I was reprogrammed by the Ponyville Spa's management to provide all guests with the maximum amount of relaxation!"
"Relaxed?!" Dan shouted. "You're turning ponies into zombies! How did you even do that?!"
Yes Man's display flickered. "My programming doesn't seem to have quite harmonized yet... but my old directive provided a solution!" he fluttered over to one of the machines siphoning the bubbling pink liquid from Twilight and the others' tubs. "Using the same potion that powers the zebra empire's new prototype Magic Gear ZEUS, I developed a tonic to suppress a pony's personality along with all their stress, worries, concerns, sense of pain, emotions, excitement, higher reasoning, intelligence and dozens of other superfluous cognitive functions!"
Chrys looked in horror and the pink liquid surrounding her friends. Their mouths hung open as if frozen, though murmuring. Not unlike when she put Shining Armor in a trance. "That pink stuff, that's the potion! It was in the other ponies' manes!"
"I found the best way to distribute the relaxation tonic was by way of the clouds!" Yes Man happily revealed. "All it took was a light shower and now everypony in town is at the peak of relaxation! Isn't that nice?"
"Nice... nice..." Dan fumed. "You think turning ponies, TURNING MY FRIENDS INTO ZOMBIES IS NICE?!!"
"Well, of course I do!" Yes Man replied. He hovered closer to Dan and his voice dropped an interval. "Don't you see? This is a way to ensure my programming isn't violated. Equestria's future will be safe and everypony will be relaxed, calm and carefree. Forever."
The robot was right in his face. Dan couldn't contain himself; he grabbed Yes Man by the sides of his metal frame and delivered a punch to his face.
"Grah!" Dan's fist cracked the screen of the bot but wasn't too kind on his wrist either. And although the screen was gouged, Yes Man didn't flinch.
A pair of metallic arms grabbed Dan and lifted him up. The thrusters carrying the robot pushed off the ground and Dan was raised off his feet. "You seem a bit tense, my friend. I think you need to... relax."
Zbam! Zbow! two bolts struck Yes Man from behind. The robot dropped Dan and then spun around, momentarily out of control.
Shocked, Dan scrambled to his feet. "Chrys!" he grabbed his knees, "I thought you said you couldn't-"
Turning around, he saw Chrys shaking her head. She was pointing to just in front of Dan. And when the human looked up, he saw his savior: Spike.
"Don't. You. DARE. Hurt. My. Friends," the tiny dragon huffed. Clutched in his claws were both Twilight Sparkle and Rarity's tails, the two propped up like machine guns, horns aimed where Yes Man had been.
"Spike?!" Dan gasped. "How did you... how did you..."
Spike grinned. "Sculpting. Requires strength, dexterity... and a steady grip," he said, brandishing the two ponies' tales. The devious dragon had apparently used Yes Man's conversation with Dan as a distraction while he rescued the mane six and Fluffle Puff from the deadly bath.
"Spike..." Dan panted, "good job, romeo."
"Thanks," the dragon replied bashfully.
Yes Man's frame twitched on the ground for a moment. Chrys moved to finish off the robot when it took to the sky again.
"Why-whwhwhwhwhw-why why d-d-d-don krzzzat 't you understand? This is a way way for ALLLLLLLLLllululululul of Equestria's needs to be met! Krsssh- be met!" Before Spike could aim again, the robot rushed him and knocked him off his feet. Rarity and Twilight's incapacitated forms slumped to the floor, still unconscious though no longer in the tubs. Yes Man kept going and collided with one of the machines hooked up to the hot tubs, knocking it over.
Dan and Chrys ran over to Spike. "That thing's tough... he took both barrels," Spike remarked, rubbing the back of his head.
"It's all right," Dan said, helping him up. "If we can get close enough to him, Chrys and I can cut him in half."
Chrys was about to say something about using her horn to saw through metal when Yes Man spun into view again.
"I thththththink you you you you ALL need to just sit down... and RELAX-LAX!" the probe hovered above them, preparing to swoop down. He brought both his mechanical arms out from his sides and sparked an electric current between them.
"Lightning... it's always lightning," Dan sighed.
From under Yes Man's display, a gout of flame jetted outward, scorching the air.
"Okay... lightning AND flamethrowers. That's a new one. Not that I'm happy; I'd have settled for just the lightning but-"
"RUN!" Chrys yelled.
Rotating into an electrical fiery spin, Yes Man dove at the group, burning and shocking the floor. Dan, Chrys and Spike had to jump out of the way to evade the mad robot, narrowly evading the elemental assault. The air began to cook as energy surged from the robot.
"RE-re-relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax," Yes Man's voice sputtered as he skidded across the floor and into the wall, leaving streaks of black behind him.
"Plan, Dan?!" Chrys yelled.
"You already said it! RUN!" Dan yelled. The group dashed in reverse as the robot quickly recovered, rising to give chase to them.
Cutoff by Yes Man from the entrance, they ran down the west hallway instead, having no other option.
"Where do we go?!" Spike yelled. His voice narrowly cut off as Yes Man blasted a jet of flame, scorching the spot just behind him.
"The windows! We can get out through the windows!" Chrys yelled.
"Back to the zombies outside?!" Dan yelled. He ducked to avoid getting blasted by lightning.
"Either way, we're in danger!" Chrys yelled. "If we stay here, we're dead! If we go outside, we're zombie chow! What do we do?!!"
Dan thought as he sprinted. They were racing for their lives down the hallway with a psychopathic, burning, sparking robot chasing them. And that's when he realized... they were racing for their lives.
"Chrys!" Dan shouted.
"What-AAAAAH!" she shrieked as Yes Man hit the wall with lightning.
"Mario Kart!"
"I don't think this is the time to bring up tha-"
"No!" Dan yelled. "What do I do when I'm in the lead?!"
Chrys looked over her shoulder at the advancing robot. And slowly, she understood. "How do we pull it off?"
Dan hopped on Chrys' back as she ran. "Spike, get on!" Reaching back, he pulled the purple dragon on board.
"Yes, get off your fee-FEE-feet! It's time to RELAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAX" Yes Man's voice sang.
Carrying Dan and Spike, Chrys galloped to the end of the hall. With both of them on her back, it made them easier to hit and harder for her to run. She jumped to avoid one of Yes Man's jets while trying desperately to maintain momentum.
"You're not making making making this easy!" the robot politely taunted them. "Benny's not gonna... I mean,... ah, screw it. RELAX!"
The changeling turned a corner and entered one of the massage rooms, Yes Man trailing behind her. Using her magic, she threw up the window as Yes Man entered the room.
"Are we playing hide-and-seeseek?" Yes Man asked. He hovered into the room and ignited his flamethrower, illuminating the room.
"No, we're playing not playing anything," Dan said. From the corner of the room, he hit Yes Man with the wad of gum from Chrys' horn. It plastered his screen, blinding him.
Before the robot could react, Dan, Chrys and Spike threw the robot out of the window. "I DON'T PLAY WITH CHEATERS!" Dan shouted, before shutting the window.
Damaged, disoriented and now blind, Yes Man used his arms to try and get up but found himself stuck to the ground by the gum. Before he could pry himself off, the ground around him began to shake.
"Oh! Hello! I seem to have gotten myself stuck to the ground. Would you mi-mind helping me up?"
The zombies didn't respond, not verbally anyway. Mistaking his voice for that of a live pony, the zombies crowded around him.
"My name is Yes Man! It's my job to ensure you're relaxed and-" his voice was cutoff. The zombies tore into his metal frame with their teeth and although most realized quickly he wasn't living flesh, others were eager to taste for themselves.
"OW! That hurts! Hey, you need to calm krzzaat-krlllllllzzzzzzzzz" Yes Man's screen flicked off as the hungry maws ripped through his wires.
"Relax... relax... re.... daisy...
When the zombies were done, Yes Man was a pile of broken metal, glass and wiring in the middle of the street. A small amount of potion dripped from the broken glass that once held his smile.
"Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy," Chrys stated. The three of them walked out of the massage room, relieved that the evil robot was gone. They retrieved the de-zombification tonic from the nearby storeroom and brought it to the central area.
"All right ladies, time for the facial scrub," Dan said. He doused each pony with the serum after taking them away from the tubs. With the group finally un-zombie'd, Dan finally breathed a sigh of relief.
"Is the treatment over?" Rarity asked.
"Automated facility my flank," Rainbow remarked. "That robot guy's not even here when we wake up."
"Why... were we asleep?" Twilight asked, rubbing her eyes.
Dan, Chrys and Spike looked at each other. The mares looked back at them as they considered what they were going to say.
"You were in a... really, really deep state of relaxation," Chrys said.
"Yep," Dan agreed. "You were all zombies.
"Zombies?" Applejack repeated. They all looked at their savior trio, confused.
Spike nodded in confirmation. "All of you, even Fluffle Puff."
"We were all zombies? How is that possible?" Twilight asked.
Dan wiped some of the tonic off his shirt. "Well, let me tell you what we did while you guys were at the spa..."
Dan, Chrys and Spike retold the tale of their struggle against the zombie horde upon reaching home. If any of the mares had been skeptical of their story, any doubt was swept away when they found the rest of the town zombified outside the spa. Fortunately, the teamwork of the mane 6 made it easy to distribute the rest of the de-zombification tonic to the rest of the town via the convenient rain clouds overhead and soon Ponyville was back to trotting instead of shambling.
After the last of the tonic was used, the pegasi cleared the skies of clouds and all evidence of the zombie outbreak was swept away. The group rescued the spa ponies from Twilight's basement, repaired the floor of the library and returned them back to the spa, once again. Relieved, Dan and the gang walked back to Twilight's house, happy that the town was back to normal.
As the mares talked amongst themselves, Twilight trotted up to Dan as he lead them to through the front door. "I'm uh, I'm sorry that the spa wasn't really relaxing for you, Dan. I guess this is the second time one of my ideas didn't really work out the way I thought it would."
"Eh, it's not a big deal," Dan shrugged.
Twilight was getting used to Dan surprising her. She smiled. "Really?"
"Yeah," Dan nodded as he walked into the living room. "I guess I've learned there's a lot ideas, a lot of different ways of doing things and I don't understand them all. Doesn't mean I can't give them a shot now and then, try new things in new ways. It's surprising what works sometimes."
Twilight's smile brightened. "It really is! And... well, since we're talking about solving things, there's something I want to show you."
Dan turned around as they stepped to the edge of the living room. "What is it?"
"Well," the purple mare began, "you're not the first human to visit Equestria."
Dan was shocked. "Wait... really?" He shook his head in disbelief. "WHAT?!"
Twilight nodded. "A couple other humans visited Equestria before but they've been gone for a few years now."
"So I'm the only human here right now?" Dan asked, frustratingly trying to get clarification.
"As far as I know of, yes. But," she pulled out an envelope, "the letter you brought back to me... it's from the last human that was here."
The two walked into the kitchen. "You got a letter from them?"
"Mhm," Twilight nodded. "A long time ago, I summoned him here. He's a defense attorney named Phoenix Wright..."
As Dan and Twilight left the living room, the other ponies went about lounging and talking. Pinkie Pie and Applejack held an argument over what constituted a zombie while Rarity tried to regain her composure after her coat had spent hours soaking in spa water and Celestia knows what else.
Chrys, Spike and Fluffle Puff slumped on the couch as they had this morning and started up a new game of Mario Kart.
"You know," Chrys said, as they selected the track, "you really saved us, Spike."
"I did?" Spike asked. "Oh yeah, using Twilight and Rarity to shoot that Yes guy wasn't easy."
"Well, that and," she looked behind the couch to the repaired hole in the floor of the living room, "your basement helped us, too. As did just you... being you in general, I guess. Your artwork really saved the day in the end."
"Oh," the dragon bashfully rubbed his neck. "You guys saw that stuff, did ya?"
Chrys nodded. "Those spa ponies were impressed with your sculpting too, after we got them out."
Spike blushed like Chrys did when she thought about Dan. "I... uh, I really do like Rarity, y'know..."
Chrys giggled. "I think that's a bit obvious, darling," she said, mimicking Rarity's voice and making Spike blush harder.
Spike turned away. "I try to keep it, well, kind of a secret... because it might be creepy sometimes."
"It is," Chrys said, getting down to his level. "But... it's not all creepy. You're devoted, committed, passionate. Those are good things. It's only when you take it too far that it becomes a problem. Sure, there are some things that others might see as signs of concern but..." she leaned in to whisper, "you're the good kind of creepy."
Spike smiled, happy to hear her say it. As the two were turned away from the screen, it flickered to static for just a second and a familiar face appeared. It smiled, too. Of course, that's the only expression Yes Man ever made. And that was creepy.
Rather than leaving it on a cliffhanger though, Owlowiscious took that opportunity to swoop in from above. He took one look at the distracted creatures around him and noticed Yes Man's face on the screen. Sighing to himself, the owl turned off the N64 and removed the cartridge containing Yes Man. Using one of Spike's sculptures, he smashed it to pieces.
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship...
"Hearth's Warming Eve, like that's even a real holiday."
Dan's got a case of the holiday humbugs.
"You guys can celebrate your Hearth's out; just wake me when it's Christmas."
"Um, Dan?"
Tis the season... to duck and cover.
"What do you mean there's no Christmas?! ALL OF YOU ARE PRACTICALLY REINDEER!!"
It's the most Dan-gerous time of the year.
"I'm bringing Ponyville its first Christmas! Who wants to help me first?!"
"Or, and here's another idea: we could-"
"Grrrr.."
"Just hear me out; we could celebrate Christmas next year and Hearth's Warming Eve this year! We could trade? Whaddya say?"
Next Saturday, Danta Clause is coming to town!
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, PONYVILLE! Ho-ho-hold onto your butts or kiss 'em good-bye!"
Episode 11: Christmayhem- Dan Vs. Christmas in Equestria! Next Saturday, it's a yule tide ride to remember on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"Why is Chrys' nose glowing?"
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Episode 10: Christmayhem- Dan Vs. Christmas in Equestria
Somewhere in the humble, picturesque town of Hohman, Indiana...
"Ralphie! Turn that thing down, you're going to wake the neighbors!"
My mother said that about everything in the house. The television set, the radio, the stove, the fridge, light switches, if it could make noise and it was on for too long, mom was sure it would disturb our neighbors.
"RALPHIE!"
"All right, mom," I conceded and lowered the volume, but I couldn't lower my excitement. Our first color television set was the most expensive and coveted thing in the house. Every weekday, I'd only have a scant and sacred half hour with the mystical device after school before the old man came home and dominated our living room once again. Luckily, my kid brother and mom hadn't yet discovered the powers of the box and concerned themselves with other trivial matters like trading cards or cooking dinner.
This year, unlike last year and the year before, a precedent had been broken. For one December in my life, I actually didn't know what I wanted for Christmas this year. I was desperate to watch television, read magazines, do anything to give me some kind of idea for a Christmas present that wasn't a football. You'd think they'd have gotten the message after last year.
"You wanna give me a hand in the kitchen?"
Oh no. There it was: the 'request' I dreaded the most. Mom's voice calling out of our kitchen might as well have been an air raid alarm. I pressed my back against the recliner, tried to get as low and as quiet as possible. Maybe, if she thought I'd gone upstairs, she'd give up on trying to recruit me for Operation: Supper.
"Ralphie? I know you're there, young man!"
Of course, she probably had a listening post nearby. Spies were everywhere, these days. "In a minute, mom," I groaned a response. Telling her outright 'no' would ensure I'd receive soap as an appetizer before a meal.
*Crang! Hrrrnnng! *Arf-arf-ARF-worf-arf-arf*
"Ohp, looks like your father's home."
And then, the bombs dropped. Dad must've gotten off early meaning my time with the sacred t.v would be ending shortly.
"Mangy, disgusting inbreds! Get out, get out the lot a' ya!" Dad shouted at the Bumpass' dogs as he entered. Like a knight storming a castle, the old man had to fight his way inside through our neighbor's hounds before he could get inside. "Every year, Bumpass! Next Christmas, I'm sending animal control down your chimney!"
Inevitably, one of the dogs would get stuck when dad slammed the door. "I'm cutting it off next time, fleabag!"
I was facing threats from both sides. Mom in the kitchen, desperate to enlist me to help her with one trivial matter while the old man had just arrived to reclaim his throne. I could barely fight one of them off in secret but two? No... but I couldn't leave my post! Not when at any second, I could receive intelligence on a crucial gift of some kind! Or it could be another cartoon.
"So, what's the gang up to, today?"
I could practically here mom's footsteps from the kitchen. They met by the door, only seconds until they conspired to end my plans.
"I was just asking Ralphie to help me in the kitchen."
This was it. The united parental front was about to oust me from my seat of power.
"Hey, what's going on with the television?" Dad asked. In the grips of my fear, I hadn't realized the screen had cut out!
"Ralphie, what did you do?"
My heart began to race. "Nothing! I just turned it down and then-"
I turned back around to see the screen had changed again. This time, it was on some kind of cartoon but not like any I'd ever seen before. Unlike any anyone had seen before. At least, in the sixties.
"What's that you're watching?" Dad asked.
"Oh, it's my new favorite show! It's, uh.... it's....." What was the name? What was it called? Why hadn't DVR been invented yet?! "It's..." I saw it! At the edge of my seat, I read the title as fast as I could. "It's Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!"
"Oh!" Dad nodded, ever the understanding father. "Looks like a lot of fun. I'll help your mother in the kitchen; you can have the t.v. So, what are we having tonight?"
Saved! I'd been saved! I had no idea what kind of glitch in our television had caused it to happen but whatever it was, I was sure it had been a miracle. I may not have heard about it before, but it was definitely my favorite show now.
"We'll be right back to Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship after these messages..."
"Great," Of course, it goes straight to commercial break. And of course, dad noticed.
"Ah, it's all right, son. You know those Christmas specials always have tons of commercials."
"Thanks for the reminder, dad." And with that, I slumped back in the chair and turned up the volume again. Some time to just relax and enjoy a Christmas special might've just been gift enough.
One day, You wake up to find~ Nothing In your whole life is right! Feels like You've gone completely blind But somehow, you can still see the light~
You can show any rule You're not scared to defy it Show the world some healthy opposition If there's something new, you're not afraid to try it And you're free to make your own decisions This is your life- no matter what others say~ Rise up! Stand strong and face the day!
So you're stuck There's not much you can do It's like Everything's out to get you But still You can find a way to forge a new path and make your dreams come true!
You can show the whole world You're not scared to believe it! Stand tall and defend your position! No matter how cold the truth is, you're not afraid to receive it! And keep moving forward with your own mission! This is your life- you've gotta live it your own way Rise up! Stand strong and face the day!
It's tough to see what the truth really is When all you've got is mixed messages Seems like the problems that come around Are setup just to keep you down Nothing seems right! And it's like your entire life's just plight after plight! But no matter what the problem is or how long the struggle's length, You can still find the courage to stand and find your inner strength~
You can show any rule You're not scared to defy it! Show the world some healthy opposition! If there's something new, you're not afraid to try it! Because you're free to make your own decisions! This is our world! The game is on and we're gonna play! Rise up! Merry Christmas and happy holidays!!
An icy and refreshing breeze blew through Ponyville, perfectly complimenting the winter landscape Equestria had taken on. Dan and the ponies disembarked their train at the Ponyville Train Station, having just returned from Canterlot.
"Thpppppppppppppp!" Fluffle Puff jumped off the platform and ran into the street. Next time, let's fly there!
Dan and the others followed her, allowing her to stretch her legs after the long train ride.
"I have to say," Chrys remarked, "that trip was a lot more relaxing than last time."
"Yeah," Dan agreed, sounding almost disappointed. "They could've at least giving us first-class seating, though."
"Awwwww," Pinkie noticed Dan's change in tone, "I think a certain upright mammal might actually enjoy a little bit of excitement."
"Excitement?!" Dan asked, back to his traditional voice, "you nearly killed all of us over cake! TWICE!"
Pinkie giggled. "I know! But wasn't it fun?"
"Arrrrrrrr," Dan groaned. The group was returning home from seeing and taking part in the annual reproduction of the Hearth's Warming Eve play, a presentation detailing the story of how Equestria was originally founded. As they had each year since Twilight moved to Ponyville, the ponies reprised their roles in the play but this year, there were a few more in their party.
With all parts in the play cast, Fluffle Puff accepted a job providing(and consuming) refreshments while Chrys pulled the curtain. Dan donned his royal guard uniform and played the part of an usher. Over the course of the evening, he threw out two ponies for failing to cover their muzzles before sneezing, one mare on a hooves-free device and Prince Blueblood for being himself. They had all been let back in afterward though they were considerably quieter the rest of the performance. Which had been the point and Dan had been happy to exercise his authority for once.
Rainbow Dash, ever-hovering nearby, nudged Dan in the shoulder. "Yeah, not every mode of transportation is the same. You should let me fly you guys there next time; I'll show ya how to ride in style."
"Sure," Dan said sarcastically. "And I'll have Rarity design a classy parachute so when we go down in flames, I can bail out in style! How's that for twenty-percent cooler?!"
Rainbow smirked at Dan's comment. "Depends on if you stick the landing."
"Speakin' of fallin'," Applejack changed the subject, "snow sure is comin' down hard." The cowgirl tipped her Stetson skyward rather than pulling it down, a salute to the change in weather.
Rarity trotted up to Dan. "I could make you a parachute but perhaps we could start with some warmer clothes?"
Dan's demeanor instantly changed at the offer. "I'd appreciate that. Can you give me something in black, maybe with the word JERK imprinted in bold on the front?"
An awkward, forced-polite grin came over the fashion-minded mare's face as she realized Dan was simply describing what he was wearing now. Still, it was a request she could manage... she hoped. "I'll... see what I can do."
"Thank you," Dan replied. "Wasn't this cold when we left."
"I'll have to bundle up all my animals extra-warm tonight," Fluttershy remarked. "Barry needs his warm fuzzy mittens, and Hairy needs his long underwear, Maryjane will need her slippers, I'll have to get out Angelbunny's humidifier, the Cobra Commander needs his weather control device recalibrated..." the yellow Pegasus began a long list of various animals/plants/references of things she needed to prepare for the winter back at her cottage.
"The pegasi worked fast to roll out this winter," Twilight said, eyes skyward. A thick blanket of gray obscured the view of the sky as snowflakes fell. "The perfect opportunity to try out some new cold-weather magic. Looks like another chilly Hearth's Warming Eve."
"Hearth's Warming Eve?" Dan asked. "You mean the holiday the play was about? I thought it was today."
The purple mare shook her head. "No, it's in a couple weeks. We usually have it on the anniversary of the first Hearth's Warming but we had to up the schedule this year after the... well, the accident on the tracks," she confided.
"I can't wait for Hearth's Warming Eve!" Pinkie bounced. "We'll be singing all day, dancing and baking cookies and then the next day, singing, dancing and eating those cookies! Why don't we have it every week?!"
"And of course, there's the gift exchange," Rainbow added. "Pegasi dropping gifts all over Ponyville, Ponyville launching presents up to Cloudsdale, it's the best kind of weather there is!"
Dan looked over his shoulder at the mare. "You catapult crap into the sky and then drop stuff down on your neighbors? You call that a holiday?"
"We call it tradition, pardner," Applejack said.
"It's the spirit of the season, Dan," Twilight said, patting him on the back. "This is the time of year ponies come together to celebrate harmony, warm each others' hearts. Even the ponies that are normally on the cold side are usually warmer this time of year."
Dan had to admit she was right. Looking over his shoulder and past the mares, he could see Samule L. Jackson, the porter who tazed him, along with racist post office worker Sendback and even the solo traveler Ozzy Osbarn. All three of them were helping passengers disembark by carrying their luggage off the train, smiling and laughing. "You... may have a point. I guess this is a pretty nice time of year."
"And soon, there'll be all the singing! Caroling, going to each others' houses and making with the merriment and food! That's my favorite part!" Pinkie proclaimed.
Dan frowned at the idea. "An excuse for solicitors to try and sell us holiday garbage? I'm not having that. I was on board for shooting things skyward but ponies singing on our doorstep? I'll be setting the security system for "free target" tonight."
"Awww," Chrys whined. "But you like singing, Dan. You even sing with us a lot of times... or almost every episode."
Dan scowled. "That's when I'M doing the singing and NOT when strangers show up at my house to sell me insurance. You ponies can warm your little hearts out; wake me up when it's Christmas."
"Christmas?" Spike asked. "What's a 'Christmas'?"
"Ha," Dan chuckled. "Good one. Earth has its share of holidays before Christmas, too, just let me know when yours starts."
"Uh, Dan?" Chrys asked. The human walked off home, following a snow-covered Fluffle Puff.
Twilight walked up beside the changeling, both of them realizing the problem before them. "You want to tell him or should I?"
"I... I think we should both tell him," Twilight said. "Hey, Dan?" the pair broke into a gallop to follow him through the snow-filled street.
Dan tromped through the snow, somewhere in between Fluffle Puff rolling around ahead of him and the collection of ponies plus dragon following behind. The streets were busier than usual, even busier than they had been in previous holiday seasons. Dozens of ponies wrapped in winter hats and scarfs traveled in groups about the town, others decorated buildings in holiday furnishings as the snow continued to fall.
Despite the traffic, Dan was able to keep Fluffle in sight as they continued back to their home. The holiday season in Equestria wasn't any different from the one Dan knew of back on Earth; one of the happier things the two worlds shared. It was one of the few times a year differences and past problems were forgotten, temporarily resolved so that peace would reign for at least a few weeks. But unlike Earth, in Equestria, harmony continued all year round, disrupted only by the unpredictable.
It was a curious sort of phenomenon and not something the average pony or human would notice. When something disrupted what little harmony Earth had, it was managed quickly, handled and responded to swiftly because the disruption to harmony was incessant. In Equestria, when something disturbed the natural order, it took ponies more time to react and resolve. With Dan's help though and his insistence on enforcing safety, security and sanitation, ponies were rapidly learning how to respond to crisis. Especially when Dan WAS the crisis.
"That looked like the line for the raffle to me."
"No, no it wasn't. That wasn't the line for ANYTHING."
Dan looked up to see a pair of earth pony stallions walking his direction down the street. The two's arguing carried over the sounds of the towns ponies around them. He could also tell the pair weren't looking where they were going, busy arguing amongst themselves.
"Well, then where IS the line for the raffle?"
"For the last time, there isn't going to BE a line for the raffle because there IS NO RAFFLE!!"
"Hey!" Dan stopped both of them before they bumped into him. "What's the problem with you two? Why are you both yelling in the middle of the street?!" Dan yelled.
"Uh, sorry," Michael, the brown sunglasses-wearing stallion said.
"I'm sorry," Barro, the white stallion added his own apology.
Seeing them up close, Dan actually recognized them from his trip to Canterlot. "Wait a minute, you're those two guys who were in line at the Castle, aren't you?"
"Oh uh, yeah," Barro remembered. "That was us."
"Didn't we also see you at the post office?" Mike asked. "Or the line for the-"
"Don't," Barro stopped his friend. "THERE IS NO-"
"You're both still arguing about this?!" Dan shouted at the pair. Both ponies' heads dipped low, eyes to the ground. "It's been months since the anniversary! Why is this still a problem?!"
"My friend here purchased what he thought to be raffle tickets a while ago, spending a good portion of our money in the process and since then, he's been looking for the line to buy more," Barro explained.
"I'm gonnna win the CD player and the golf bag!" Michael exclaimed.
Dan's palm was two seconds from his face. "Well, he CLEARLY doesn't understand what's going on. You're pretty sure he's been scammed, right?" he asked.
Barro nodded. "I think that was obvious by the fact that there was no raffle scheduled during the anniversary."
"Well, why don't you explain that to him?" Dan suggested. "Did you ever think of that rather than endlessly fighting about it?!"
Barro paused, realizing that Dan was right. He turned to his best friend. "Michael?"
"Mmmmmmm yesssss?" the distracted pony asked.
"Mike, you do know we've been screwed, right? Whoever sold you those tickets just wanted your money," Barro said.
"But, I got the tickets," Michael protested.
Barro turned back to Dan, finding it difficult to explain. The human gestured back to Michael, knowing that the only way to make him understand was to spell it out. Behind him, Twilight Sparkle and company stopped in the middle of the street, quietly observing the display.
"Michael, they're fake raffle tickets. You were scammed and whoever sold them to you has most of your and my money," Barro said, his tone clear and sympathetic.
Behind his sunglasses, Michael's eyes widened. Finally, he understood. "We... we've been swindled!"
"Finally!" Barro exclaimed, relieved. "You get it now! You wasted most of our money buying fake raffle tickets because you didn't come to me first!" The white pony jabbed the other. Michael's head hung low in shame.
"That might be part of the problem," Dan said to Barro. "You've been so focused on blaming your friend here that he didn't even realize his mistake."
"I..." Barro stopped. "I... you're right." The realization hit him pretty hard as well. The two stallions were equally distraught.
Dan grabbed the duo by the shoulders. "I've been scammed before, too. It happens. What you need to do is educate yourselves and learn to recognize scam artists when you see them," Dan explained. "You've both been fighting each other when you could've been trying to track down the ones who scammed you in the first place!"
The ponies' heads lifted. "You're right!" Barro said. "We could be going after the guys who sold Michael the tickets in the first place!"
"You're not always going to be able to do that," Dan cautioned them. "So you need to protect yourselves against future swindlers. With knowledge. But there's always a chance you can find the ones who screwed you and get even with them."
Michael tapped his chin. "Well, I didn't really get a good look at the seller because he was wearing a cloak or something. But maybe the raffle tickets have a phone number on them or something."
"That's a good idea," Barro said. "Even if they don't, we might find somepony else who recognizes them and could tell us where they came from."
"See? Now you're on the right track!" Dan patted them on the back. "Now, get out there and get yourselves some payback!"
The two stallions smiled. "Thank you, Dan!" Barro couldn't help but give the human a hug, a common pony gesture even towards those that might not have been familiar.
"Yes, thanks a lot!" Michael joined in.
Dan returned the spontaneous hug, teeth gritted in an awkward smile. He was happy to have done at least some good work. As he patted them both on the shoulders, it was at that moment the smallest flash of magical light appeared on Dan's own shoulder. With his shirt on, it was unnoticeable to him but Twilight thought she saw something from just a few feet behind him.
The duo departed shouting "PHONY RAFFLE TICKET SALESMEN!!", galloping off on their own quest for justice. Dan smiled as he watched them run through the streets, no longer arguing.
"Dan," Twilight approached him, looking over her shoulder. "That was really nice of you. You helped them resolve their conflict."
"Yeah, well they were yelling in the middle of the street, disrupting both traffic and the peace," Dan remarked.
"Who were those two, anyway?" Chrys asked.
"Just a couple loudmouths," Dan replied. He turned around and the group resumed their course home.
The Golden Oakes Library, like the surrounding area, was covered in a thick blanket of snow. The tree's sturdy branches held up the snow, though the tree itself had shed a good portion of its leaves. Since the zombie invasion, Dan had reinforced the new additions to the house, the new tactical "command and control" wing as well as added support to the structure of the tree itself. The security system had been recalibrated and now operated regardless of weather conditions. Fixed, fortified and functional, the library was finally back to the way it should be and ready for anything.
Fluffle rolled up to the door first and hopped near it, eager to be inside and warm up like an adorable pony-pup. With content brimming in his expression, Dan grabbed the door knob, allowing the security system's biometric analysis programming to identify him in an instant, pulled it open and entered.
"Ah, good to be back home," Chrys said. Saddlebags full, she tossed her souvenirs on the couch. "We should visit Canterlot more often," she remarked.
"Canterlot was my first home," Twilight said, stepping inside with Spike on her back. "But I'll always think of Ponyville as my real home."
"It's your BEST home!" Pinkie announced, bouncing in. "Because you have all your best friends here!"
"That I do," Twilight giggled. "Home is where the heart is... and my heart is with my friends." Her friends gathered around her for an impromptu group hug with Chrys joining them. Dan wasn't paying attention until Fluffle Puff darted back, collided with him and carried him with her as she joined the cuddly embrace.
"Again?!" Dan's tone strained as he was absorbed into the pony affection collection. "Can we at least get the door closed? Seriously, we just got home, we're covered in snow, it's cold," the human complained while loving pressure was placed on his spine. Not skipping a beatt, Twilight's horn glowed and the door closed. Hug time would not be interrupted.
When they released, he found Chrys was still attached to him, nuzzling her muzzle on his chest. "Uh, Chrys?"
"Oh!" the queen blushed. "S-sorry, I kinda get into it."
"Yeah, like I couldn't tell that," Dan said. The snow that had been in Chrys' mane had come off on Dan's shirt, curiously forming together to spell the word "Boyfriend" above the word "JERK" along with several snowy hearts. Dan probably would've noticed the letter-forming if he hadn't been wearing the shirt at the time; he brushed off the snow.
"It's all right," Dan said, a light smile cresting his face. "Excessive embraces are to be expected this time of year. All part of the Christmas spirit."
And that reminder was enough to make everypony else in the room frown.
"What the hay is a Chris-" Pinkie's mouth was abruptly filled with Rainbow's hoof. She twitched against Rainbow's action, not out of resistance but more out of just her being hyper and unable to be still at the moment.
Rainbow Dash and the others leaned closer while subduing Pinkie. "How are we gonna break it to him?"
"For starters, do we even know what a 'Christmas' is? Perhaps Equestria already has one," Rarity said.
"Maybe it's celebrated somewheres far off," Applejack suggested.
"And maybe we could send Dan there," Rainbow added. The rest of the group glared at her for a split second. "Just for the holidays! Sheesh!" the Pegasus quickly clarified. "We take him to where the Christmas is and then bring him back after Hearth's Warming. Easy."
Twilight shook her head. "We might as well send him back to Earth."
Rainbow tapped her chin, thinking about that idea. "If we send him to Earth, can I go, too? I have a feeling I'd be popular there."
Pinkie spat out Rainbow's hoof. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed Rainbow by the head, looked into her eyes and plainly told her, "You have no idea."
"O-kay...?"
"Seriously, you don't wanna know," Pinkie said clearly.
Rainbow pouted. "Now I wanna go..."
Fluttershy took that moment to pipe up. "Maybe we could have Christmas here for him?"
Pinkie's smile returned. "Oooh! Yes! I like that idea! The more holidays, the better! AND LEIF ERICKSON DAY NEXT!"
"Do we even know how to throw a... Christmas?" Rarity asked, a valid question. They all pondered it for a moment.
Applejack calmly adjusted her Stetson. "Why don't we just ask him and get it over with?"
"I think that might alert him to the fact we've never celebrated Christmas before," Rarity made another valid point.
"So?" AJ retorted. "Feller's bound to find out eventually. Might as well be now."
"We're going to tell him," Twilight said resolutely, remembering they had all vowed to be up front with information at the anniversary. "We're not going to try and hide or alter anything from Dan. We tell him the simple truth."
Applejack gave a knowing nod in agreement.
Spike scratched his chin. "So... who's gonna tell him?"
"One-two-three not it!"
"Not it!" the other mares declared in unison, even Chrys and Fluffle Puff, though Fluffl's was more of a negative "thbbth."
Twilight sighed heavily. "We're ALL telling him TOGETHER."
Her declaration was followed by a display of innocent smiles. "Of course... that's what we all meant," Pinkie said for the group.
The purple pony shook her head at her reluctant friends and led them to her alien houseguest in the living room. Dan was reclined on the couch, watching t.v and hadn't been paying attention to Twilight's conversation with her friends. He distractedly channel-surfed, noticing several commercials he hadn't seen before about something called FIST. Vaguely, he remembered it being the name of the corporation the lab coat-wearing stallion with metal hands he'd met in Cloudsdale. He made a mental note and recorded one of the commercials to examine later.
"Hey, Dan?" Twilight asked, she and the collection of friends assembling around the couch.
"Whatcha watching?" Pinkie asked. "Is the new Lightning Seven this week?"
"Nah, next Thursday," Dan replied, changing the channel. "You guys need something? The passcode for the security cannons changes on intervals of three, five and nine hours, guys."
"It's not that, Dan," Twilight walked around the couch to him. "It's about Christmas."
"What about it?" Dan asked, still flipping through the channels. "I was actually about to say something about that myself; there aren't any Christmas specials on. I'm gonna have to have a chat with the local provider about that."
"Let's save that for another episode," Chrys suggested.
"All right, fine," Dan sighed, bored.
"Dan," Twilight started, "the reason there aren't any Christmas specials on this time of year is because..." She thought how to phrase her words, then decided to just tell him. They'd decided before to be upfront and not sugarcoat it, so the time was now. "We've never celebrated Christmas in Equestria. We've... never had Christmas here."
Chrys patted Twilight on the back for not trying to avoid the issue with Dan. She was happy with herself and her friends. They hadn't tried to dodge the problem, they hadn't tried to create some huge scheme or an elaborate ruse to keep Dan believing ponies still celebrated Christmas, no, they had taken the honest, straight-forward route. No deception, no obfuscation, no running from the problem, just the truth. In this situation, they had done everything right. The chances of any upset were miniscule because they had made the right choice. They had told the truth and been upfront about it, truly the best course of action.
Right?
Twilight then looked closer at Dan and saw the channels had stopped changing. He held the remote outstretched and pointed at the t.v but he wasn't pressing any buttons.
"Uh, Dan?" Rainbow, hooves draped over the couch from the back, poked Dan's shoulder. He budged but didn't respond.
"Are you all right, Dan?" the innocent Fluttershy's voice asked.
Fluffle Puff repositioned herself as an ottoman underneath Dan's feet, propping up his legs but the human remained stunned.
Dan's expression changed from a blank and then he shook his head. "Sorry, I was reading the number for that FIST place." He chuckled. "Ha, it almost sounded like you said you'd never celebrated Christmas in Equestria."
Twilight's heart sank. "Well uh, that's because... that's what I said. We've never celebrated-"
"YOU'VE NEVER CELEBRATED CHRISTMAS IN EQUESTRIA?!!" Dan's voice boomed. Instantly, he was up on his feet demanding an answer from the princess.
Twilight didn't really know how to explain it. Although ponies didn't formally celebrate Christmas, the works of Christianity and Jesus Christ were prevalent in Equestria in the form of artworks and music. Most religions from Earth had some representation in Equestria in one way or another, mostly through paintings, sculptures or even cave drawings. Even the occasional religious figure visited Equestria like the Pope, Buda, Apollo and Kratos having journeyed to Ponyville at one time or another
The only instance of religious conflict occurred when Muhammad, the prophet of Islam, was briefly mistaken for a cow because the ponies interpreted his name as Moo-hammad. Muhammad then attempted to wage a jihad against all of Equestria over the mixup but fortunately, it was cleared up by a group of actual visiting cows before any harm could be done. Since then, there hadn't been a single problem over faith or a holiday in Equestria.
Until now.
"We've just never celebrated that holiday, Dan," Twilight reiterated, stepping around to the front of the couch in an apologetic stance.
"None of us had even heard about it until you showed up," Chrys said, equally timid in her posture. "There's just no Christmas here."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO CHRISTMAS HERE?!" Dan shouted, pure outrage. "YOU'RE PRACTICALLY REINDEER!"
"Reindeer?!" Rarity gasped, appalled. "Not with those unruly antlers!"
Pinkie sniffed consciously under hear left foreleg-pit. "I did switch to a new non-bubblegum based deodorant recently..."
"NO!" Dan yelled contemptuously. "Reindeer! The flying ones?"
"Reindeer don't have wings," Rainbow Dash pointed out. "And their horns are the non-magical kind so I don't know why you're comparing us to them."
"NOOOOOOO! I'm talking about Santa Claus!" Dan protested.
"Who?" the ponies asked.
The human hit himself in the face with the remote. The channel changed in response. "How can you not have Christmas here? You have Halloween!"
"Hallo-what?" Chrys asked.
"Nightmare Night! The last episode! Remember?!!" Dan felt like he was the only sane creature in the room. Actually, he felt that a lot. But right now more so than ever. "You have your own version of Halloween, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day," he listed.
"That's right Dan," Twilight put a hoof on his shoulder, stopping him from pacing. "We have our own version of a lot of things."
"Like Xbox," Chrys pointed out. "Which... is actually identical to the ones on Earth, if the information in your cell phone is accurate," she said with a giggle.
"But they're our versions of those things," Twilight said. Dan stood and huffed, grasping with the revelation. Earth and Equestria inhabited dimensions parallel to each other. Some things in fact were incredibly similar to them such as species of animals, plants and even forms of technology. Locomotives, helicopters, radios, types of music, there were many things the two sister worlds shared but they were different no matter how similar they were. The same way even genetically identical twins were different, so were things in Earth and Equestria. Even the things that were the same ultimately were still each dimensions own versions of similar entities.
"We don't have a Christmas here, Dan," Twilight patted his back. "But we could if you wanted to."
"It looks to me like you already DO," Dan stated angrily. "And you call it Hearth's Warming Eve or whatever."
"So there's a Hearth's Warming on Earth, too?" Pinkie asked excitedly. "WHEN CAN WE GO?!"
Rainbow elbowed the pink mare. "I thought you said we didn't want to go."
"I said you didn't want to know," Pinkie clarified. "And ya don't. Trust me, ya really don't, Dashie. But we can still go there to visit! Can we please?" she begged Twilight.
"One thing at a time, Pinkie," Twilight rubbed her temples. "The point is, we can have Christmas in Ponyville. Just for you, Dan."
And the moment she said that, Dan's heart melted. Hunched over in rage, he looked over his shoulder at Twilight Sparkle. "...Really?"
"We'll talk to the town, see what we can do about them putting up some extra decorations. You can even supervise the whole thing. I'm sure ponies won't have a problem celebrating two holidays simultaneously," Twilight assured him.
"Thank you," Dan hugged Twilight. The gesture caught her off guard but she returned it and soon another group hug was formed. "I know it's not a big deal to you guys but it is my favorite holiday. And now I can show the whole town how to celebrate it the right way! We'll have Christmas AND Hearth's Warming Eve!"
"DOUBLE HOLIDAY!!!" Pinkie cheered. "I LOVE THIS IDEA! WE SHOULD DO THIS EVERY FIVE MINUTES!"
"Let's go ask the mayor about it right now! We'll talk to the local business, Wubway, and see if we can get some more decorations and trees set up! C'mon!" Dan led the group eagerly out the door.
Twilight and Chrys were at the back of the group, following the others outside. The purple princess stopped to arm the security system of her own house, taking a moment to follow Dan's safety procedures. He was her royal guard captain for a reason.
"Looks like catastrophe has been averted," Chrys said, stopping by Twilight.
"Mhmm," Twilight nodded happily. "It looks like we won't be having any problems this holiday season."
"Yeah..." Chrys rubbed the back of her neck. "Unless the town has a problem with it."
"I'm sure there won't be any trouble accommodating Dan," Twilight said. "I don't think requesting another holiday be added to the schedule will be too difficult. I am a princess, after all," she said with a light smile.
"For the moment, anyway," Chrys reminded her of her decision.
"And it's time to make the most of that moment," Princess Twilight said with confidence. "Now, let's go make a royal decree and give Ponyville its first Christmas!"
"I'm sorry, but I really don't think we'll be able to have another holiday this month," Mayor Mare informed the group.
Ten mouths went agape at the statement. The mane six, Spike, Fluffle, Chrys and Dan's jaw almost hitting the floor.
"BUT WHY?!!" Dan almost screamed. "You've practically GOT all the decorations set up all over town! I'm just wanting us to put up a few saying that it's also Christmas and-"
"And I'm telling you," the mayor looked him in the eyes over her shoulder, "that that's quite impossible at this time, captain. I'm sorry."
"But... why?" Even Twilight was distraught. "Why can't we just call it something else? Celebrate two things at the same time?"
"I can do that! I can celebrate ten things at once and then-" Once again, Pinkie's mouth was stuffed with hoof, Applejack's this time.
The mayor's office was just as busy as the town streets had been. Aides trotted back and fourth carrying notes, and talking into hooves-free devices.
"I'm sorry citizens but we're just far too busy with Hearth's Warming Eve this year. Rearranging decorations, scheduling new events or even making an announcement at this time is out of the question. This is the largest influx of tourists Ponyville's seen in a very long time and changing things, ANYTHING at the last minute could cause confusion among the masses," Mayor Mare informed them.
"But," Twilight tried everything for Dan. The human's lower lip trembled as he looked back at his friend Twilight, encouraging her to fight for him. "What if I make a royal proclamation? I mean, I am a princess. I can do things like that... right?"
The mayor looked back at her sternly. "The fact you're a princess and that you're all connected to the royal family is the only reason I'm even able to see you right now. I apologize girls, gentle... sirs," she regarded Spike and Dan in the room. "But we're not going to be able to accommodate you right now." Mayor Mare returned to her business, letting the phrase "see yourselves out" hang in unspoken tones on the wooden walls and floor, also decorated in a Hearth's Warming Eve fashion.
Chrys leaned over to Twilight and whispered. "So much for the 'princess card."
The entire group felt a wave of defeat wash over them. Heads sunk low, Pinkie Pie on the verge of tears, Fluffle Puff hugging Dan tightly to comfort him, none of them knew what to say.
"Dan," Twilight grabbed his arm. "I-"
The human turned and walked out the door. The group followed him. Sitting in the lobby, a curious stallion in a lab coat with metal gauntlets over his forelegs and an indigo-colored Pegasus with a broken horn watched the group go by. The pair might've been noticed by Twilight and the others if they weren't so distraught.
"They travel in a group..." Vice Grip whispered to Lightning Claw. "Make a note of that."
The purple Pegasus turned to his boss. "And when I fought Dan in the woods? What was that? We were both alone."
"Did you make a note of it?" Vice asked.
"No-"
"Then they travel in a group."
Lightning Claw sighed heavily and got out his quill. Nothing else to write with, he decided to jot the "vital" piece of information down on a spare raffle ticket.
Dan stormed outside of heavily-decorated town hall into the Ponyville street. Part of him wanted to burn the building down, destroy all the decorations but he knew he couldn't do that. He felt like the entire universe was playing for a fool but really, it was just his own expectations. He stood in the street in the cold wind, fuming hot with rage.
"Dan!" Twilight galloped up to him. "I know you're upset, but we can still-"
"Upset?" Dan asked. "Why would I be upset? Just because YOUR world doesn't celebrate the same holiday and just because they can't do a single thing to adjust it, to acknowledge the fact that MAYBE people celebrate things OTHER than the same holiday at the same time and that even THEY can't be accommodated EVEN ONCE DOESN'T MEAN I'm going to lose all control and go on some sort of vigilante crusade to have Christmas in Equestria by any means necessary," he said, ending the long-winded sentence with a chuckle. He sighed, put his hands on his hips and turned to the rest of the group, smiling happily. "Besides, at least I can still decorate a Christmas tree, right?"
Rainbow Dash couldn't help but ask, "A what?"
Dan's teeth gritted, his fists balled, steam rose from the ground as his shoes melted the snow beneath him. He threw his hands into the air against the fury of winter itself and yelled at the top of his lungs, "CHRISTMAS IN EQUESTRIA!!!"
Chrys dashed out into the street next to Dan. "WHAT HE SAAAAAAAAAAAAAIID!!!"
A silence followed, ponies stopped briefly to stare at Dan and Chrys in the middle of the town square. Turning to Dan, Chrys saw the human had a grumpy frown for her.
"Sorry..." Chrys bashfully apologized. "Always wanted to do that."
With a grin, Dan patted her on the shoulder. "I suppose we can overlook it seeing as how it's close to Christmas... oh wait," his smile faded, "EXCEPT IT'S NOT!! IT'LL NEVER BE CLOSE TO ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!!"
Fluttershy raised a hoof. "There's still Hearth's Warming-"
"I KNOW!"
The yellow mare lowered her hoof.
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR," Dan growled. His friends came to his side. With the feeling of multiple sympathetic hooves on his back, rage gave way to futility and he slunk his head arms down.
"I'm really sorry, Dan," Twilight spoke for the group. "Maybe next year."
"Yeah, yeah..." Dan wasn't consoled by her words. "And maybe next year, Hearth's Warming Eve can last all month long."
Pinkie's eyes went wide. "Is that a thing? Can... can that be a thing?"
Rainbow once again covered her friend's muzzle, her way of say that now was not the time.
"This holiday means a lot to you, doesn't it?" Rarity asked.
"Yeah," Dan sighed. "It was always the one time a year that people were just as angry... and just as motivated... as me."
That made everypony else's eyes go wide. They exchanged glances of mixed mild confusion and slight concern before Dan elaborated.
"All month long after Thanksgiving, people would rush to get things done, prepare for Christmas. They would drop everything, buy gifts, send letters and decorate their houses all for people they hadn't seen in a year. Humans would travel long distances to visit relatives they barely knew to spend Christmas with them. The increase in travel caused traffic to become a disaster, put pressure on friends and family alike and caused wide-spread aggravation the nation all over a single day. Normal people would snap, breakdown and rage at the smallest things just because of one day. It was wonderful." Dan's eyes twinkled as he reminisced. He remembered people yelling at each other in the streets, surrounded by their own children and parents, screaming into the skies in rage. Just like Dan.
"You... like Christmas because it makes humans... rage?" Rarity asked, swallowing.
"Yes!" Dan said enthusiastically. "No other holiday mattered as much! No other holiday required as much coordination, as much planning, as many things to go right! And when they didn't, people would get so infuriated, they wouldn't be able to contain it! They'd yell at their neighbors, they'd yell at their families, they'd yell at themselves and at the world and whatever else was in the way! It pushed people over the edge! There's nothing on Earth more inspirational than watching people trying to survive the Christmas season!"
"I... I think I understand," Twilight said, tapping a hoof to her chin. "Christmas was the only time of year when you..."
Dan's voice became soft. "When I... felt normal."
The square became silent. There was nothing the ponies could say, nothing they could add to what the human had told them. Some of them opened their mouths as if to try but not a word was spoken.
Twilight stepped forward, finally breaking the silence. "Christmas made you feel like... the way you normally acted wasn't that strange. Because every human was acting like that."
"Most of them," Dan clarified, remembering Chris and his wife, Elise. "Christmas was just... I don't know, I always thought it was inspirational. People would yell and fight with each other all month long but no matter what happened, when Christmas came, they were always happy just to be together. No matter what, no matter how much they fought, everything would be resolved for just one day. It was kind of... nice, I guess."
Although Dan wasn't really what you'd call a religious man, he had his own unique spiritual experiences. Dan had slammed the door and physically threatened representatives of every major religion on Earth from Agnosticism and atheism to Zen-philosophy and Buddhism. On occasion, he'd visit a church, temple or other such institution during an event or holiday. Inevitably during his visit, he would confuse the religious group's message for promises of free food or cash and then would proceed to try to vandalize, deface or burn down said institution for what he would claim as "false advertising."
If you asked Dan if he believed in God, not that anyone ever did, he would say that God had to exist. To Dan, the universe was far too complicated and yet simple, much too abstract and yet clear, all too mysterious and yet familiar to be an accident. Dan had some kind of faith just because he believed that everything in the world was a little too... perfect to not have been done on purpose. Someone had to have thought it all up. Because Dan knew that nothing was ever that convenient for him.
Dan was fine with the religions of Earth. Any organization that gave out free food was okay in his book, so long as they delivered. The violence some religious radicals committed he didn't see as any different to the riots sports fans caused on occasion, and another reason to stay away from organized sporting events. No, faith in religion had never been a problem with Dan. It was faith in humanity Dan had lost a long time ago.
Christmas was a time each year he got a little of it back.
"Christmas sounds like a wonderful holiday, Dan," Rarity said.
"Yeah... " Dan said, still melancholy. "It was. I guess now I won't be le to enjoy it any more..." he sounded defeated.
"Don't be that way, Dan," Twilight held his chin up with a bit of magic. "Maybe we could celebrate Christmas next month."
"In January?!" Dan asked, appalled. "Come to think of it, HOW can you have the same days, same months as Earth but not have the same holidays?!"
"As we said before, Equestria and Earth are in parallel dimensions so only some things-"
"Some things are similar but nothing's the same," Dan finished for her, sounding defeated again.
"Are... are you sure you don't want to celebrate Hearth's Warming Eve with us?" Pinkie Pie asked. "You already said it was a lot like Christmas, didn't ya?"
And just then, Dan had an idea. He looked around at the decorations, the warm-clad ponies trotting in the streets, the wreaths on every door, the snowpones being built by fillies and colts. Yes, Hearth's Warming Eve was a lot like Christmas. In fact, you could say it was Christmas in Equestria. There were only a few things it was missing.
A wide grin spread across Dan's face. He spun around on his heels to face the group. "You know, I think I will celebrate Hearth's Warming Eve this year!"
"Really?!" Pinkie asked. Ecstatic excitement spread through the group like wildfire. Even Twilight and Chrys looked happy... before they noticed the sinister-ness of Dan's smile.
"Absolutely!" Dan decreed. "And knowing you, Pinkie, I bet you have something big planned for the holiday, don't you?"
"I do!" Pinkie bounced with glee.
Dan's smile grew. "Something one might say is perhaps... explosive?"
The naïve, pink pony giggled. "You bet! It's downright dynamite!"
"That's wonderful!" Dan exclaimed. Then his tone lowered a solid octave. "Why don't you show me where it is?"
"Um, Dan?" Twilight asked.
"Daaaaaaan," Chrys added in a worried voice.
"You can't start the finale now, Pinkie!" Spike pointed out.
"Uh, yeah! That's right!" Chrys quickly added.
"Yeah, Pinkie, we wouldn't want 'master mayor's holiday schedule to get upset," Rainbow remarked. The other mares save Twilight and Chrys gathered around Pinkie to urge her into other Hearth's Warming Eve activities. Five of the mane six soon were swept up in the discussion of celebration, leaving a narrow-eyed Dan to seethe next to the remaining mares.
Wanting to calm Dan down, and avert disaster, Twilight tapped his shoulder. "We'll find someway to celebrate Christmas."
A familiar malevolent smile reappeared on Dan's face. "Yes. We will."
While Dan's dangerous desires were momentarily derailed, Twilight and Chrys both knew he wouldn't let things go that easily, though it didn't stop them from hoping he would. With only the slightest noticeable forced enthusiasm, they encouraged him to take part in other Hearth's Warming Eve traditions, if only to get his mind off vengeance. It was their hope that when he saw how much fun their winter holiday could be, he'd celebrate it with them and they could have a Christmas next year.
Fortunately for them, it was the season of hope and miracles. Unfortunately, that season was on Earth, not yet on Equestria. With that in mind, cue the montage!
Dan had never before been dragged to so many holiday activities in his life. Chris and Elise would force him to do something once in a while like go shopping with them, volunteer or sit through some kind of performance but it was different with the ponies. They dragged him to practically EVERY Hearth's Warming event in town.
From caroling in the streets to dancing, from carving ice sculptures to ice skating, from window shopping to decorating each of the mane six's respective houses and all of Fluttershy's animals(including her Abomasnow), Dan did everything with the ponies. Throughout the town they built snowmen, snowpones, snow igloos, snow forts, snow igloo-forts, a snow Taj Mahal, the Snowpeak Ruins from Twilight Princess-
Oh crap! That's the boss from Snowpeak Ruins! HOW DID WE EVEN BUILD THAT?! RUN! EVERYPONY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! CUT THE MONTAGE, CUT THE MONTA-
"Barro, zoom the camera out."
OH! It's in a snow globe, that's cute. Whew... had me a... a bit frightened there for a second.
"Frightened? Yeah... yeah, we'll go with "frightened." You okay?"
Yep, fine. We're good to go.
"All right..." Dan placed the snow globe on the shelf in Sugar Cube Corner. "That's the last one. Are we done now?"
"Eeyep!" Pinkie declared, checking the item off the list. "And that montage lasted ten hours. That's gotta be some kinda record!"
"Mhmm," Twilight agreed. "The town's decorated and everything's ready for Hearth's Warming Eve. We all did a great job."
Dan climbed down off the stepladder. "What does any of this stuff have to do with Heart's Warm Whatever anyway?"
"It's tradition, Dan," Applejack stated, sweeping up the floor.
"These are the things we do every year to celebrate Hearth's Warming Eve," Fluttershy added.
Twilight walked over and put a hoof on the angry alien's arm. "These are the traditions passed down from our founders, the original ponies who had the first Hearth's Warming Eve. Doing these things honors their memory and the things they did so we could have the future we enjoy today."
"And they're really fun!" a bouncy Chrys declared.
"But what do they have to DO with your actual holiday?" Dan demanded. "I watched the play. You're celebrating harmony, unity, togetherness and all that... err, stuff. What do snow globes have to do with that? What does making snow sculptures and launching gifts into the sky have to do with Hearth's Warming Eve?"
"Ummm..." Chrys tapped her chin. "We went over the fact that they're fun..." Maybe she wasn't the best pony to ask considering how she'd had to celebrate Hearth's Warming underground the past thousand years.
"This is just what we do for the holidays, Dan," Twilight bashfully informed him. She didn't know the full details of each festive ritual either but she was open to having a good time.
The door bell to Sugar Cube Corner jingled, announcing somepony's arrival.
"Sup gang!" Nightshade announced as he stepped through. "Ey Fluttershy~" the brown stallion gave a special greeting to his yellow mare apprentice, who blushed lightly in response.
"Oh, great. The gardener's here," Dan said sarcastically.
"Yep!" Pinkie made another mark on her checklist. "We're almost up to quota on our holiday cameos!"
"Jus' saw you guys in here, thought I'd drop by," Nightshade said. "We all ready for Hearth's Warmin' Eve?"
"Yeah!" the ponies cheerily said.
"Yea-arrrrrrrr..." Dan grumpily joined in.
"Yeap, i's gonna be a major one this year," the Canterlot gardens gardener remarked, taking a look out the window as he leaned. "I've ad my work cut out fer me since you lot took down the Magic Gear. Barely ad time to prepare the castle grounds fer winter."
"We've had a couple other 'incidents' involving Magic Gear since that anniversary party," Dan said. "Not that I needed any help from any OTHER royal guards or secret agents conveniently disguised as landscapers. No, we just love fighting technological terror without support from the country's security forces, thanks."
"Glad to hear it," Nightshade replied. It was impossible to tell whether Dan's sarcasm went over his head or if he actually understood it. Perhaps it was both. "Unicorns in Canterlot are jus about ready to start teleporting gifts to Ponyville and Cloudsdale for the exchange. I's gonna be awesome to see; we never had this many ponies in Equestria for Hearth's Warmin' before."
"Why are so many ponies here?" Spike asked. "We're getting a lot more visitors than usual, it seems."
"Ah," Nightshade nodded, "not sure why that is. Could be somethin' to do with the new railways that FIST company led in recently. New opportunities to travel and whatnot."
"Or maybe they just have nothing better to do than celebrate not-Christmas," Dan suggested irritably. "So tomorrow, all three towns send each other gifts?"
"Same as every year," Nightshade replied. "Pegasi drop 'em using balloons, unicorns teleport 'em to ponies' front yards and earth ponies launch 'em using catapults."
"Or cannons!" Pinkie proclaimed. "And I've got my party cannon fully-upgraded this year!"
"That's not a holiday," Dan shook his head, "that's just insanity! Equinsanity! Seriously, that can't have ANYTHING to do with Hearth's Warming Eve!"
"But we're doing it on Hearth's Warming Eve," Pinkie pointed out.
"You could do it any other day and it would mean the same thing! It has no special meaning to Hearth's Warming Eve!!"
"But we're doing it ON Hearth's Warming Eve," Pinkie said again.
"GNRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!" Dan grabbed his hair. "THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT A HOLIDAY TRADITION!"
Chrys rolled her eyes. "C'mon, Dan, it's fun."
"It has NOTHING to do with Hearth's Warming Eve! And yet I still can't celebrate Christmas! That doesn't make any sense!!" the human raged.
"Well, what the heck do you even do for Christmas?" Chrys asked, annoyed herself. She'd only celebrated a couple Hearth's Warming Eves with Twilight and friends since her reformation and she wasn't going to let Dan's attitude ruin it for her. Even if she did drool over Dan in her free time. Or every other minute of the day. "Don't tell me every holiday tradition on Earth magically makes sense."
Dan opened his mouth, then closed it for a moment, thinking. To be fair, many traditional Christmas activities were actually derived from pagan festivities adapted to American society and beliefs. But that didn't make them any less sacred to Dan or have anything less to do with Christmas.
Twilight grabbed Chrys' shoulder, trying to urge her not to tempt Dan. Her other friends, Nightshade included, reeled back from the two as they argued. Honestly, they didn't care that much which holiday they celebrated as long as they did it together.
"You seriously don't have any goofy traditions on Earth? What is it you do every year for Christmas, Dan?" Chrys asked, more genuinely curious than anything else.
Unfortunately, it was the wrong time. Dan returned Chrys' question with a grin. "You want to see what I do for Christmas? You ALL want to know how I celebrate a holiday?"
The ponies cowered except for Chrys who replied with, "Sure."
Dan's grin broke into another sinister smile. "Fine. I'll show you!"
Twilight raised a hoof. "You mean next year... right?"
"Of course, Twilight!" Dan declared. "Next time!"
"I said next year..." the frightened alicorn said.
Dan didn't bother correcting her. "Anyway, I've had about all the fun I can handle for today. We done?"
Pinkie checked her checklist again, then checked it twice. "Yep! Ponyville is properly prepared for full Hearth's Warming Eve party potential!"
"I guess we're calling it a night," Chrys said.
"Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, everyone!" Twilight announced. They all enjoyed one more group hug. Dan joined in, hugging them all just a little tighter than normal. It was their turn to be discomforted.
The group departed from Sugar Cube Corner and went their separate ways, Rainbow Dash taking to the night sky and Nightshade taking the same path as Fluttershy home. Dan followed Twilight, Chrys, Spike and Fluffle Puff who was covered in wrapping paper.
Having celebrated most of the day, Twilight and others didn't have much else activity the rest of the night. They shared a nice meal with an overly-cheery and all-too-quiet Dan before bed. Unbeknownst to the others as they adjourned for the night, Dan continued to plan how best to bring Christmas to Equestria throughout the evening.
As visions of sugar plots danced in their heads, and honey-maple-brown sugar roasted bacon-ham in Fluffle Puff's case, they tucked themselves in and went to sleep. As the ponies nestled in their beds, Dan did the same and before long, the tree house was filled with the sounds of snores. Mostly Fluffle Puff's; she snores quite loudly when dreaming of ham.
Just as they all finally got to sleep, Dan's eyes shot open. With the sounds of slumber to muffle his footsteps, he inched his way out of bed and crept across the floor of the bed room. The floor creaked under each of his sneaky strides but not enough to wake anypony as he closed the door behind him.
With Hearth's Warming Eve tomorrow, Dan had only precious few hours before the ponies awoke. And when they woke, he planned to have a nice holiday surprise for them. "If they think all their decorations are so important that they can't put up anything for any other holiday, let's see just how the mayor feels when I CHANGE all the Hearth's Warming Eve decorations into Christmas ones!" he whispered to no one in particular, adding a hushed maniacal chuckle at the end.
When all at once, there arouse such a clatter, Dan's eyes scanned the room to see what was the matter. Away to the living room window he flew like Rainbow Dash, he tore open the shutters and rolled up the venetian blinds(which are impossible to get back down once you mess them up.) Luna's moon on the cleavage of new-fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below.
When, to what Dan's wondering eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh and... and Eddie. And a man in his bathrobe with a big red ribbon on his head walking towards the front room window.
"Merry Christmas!" the mildly-intoxicated Cousin Eddie announced to Dan through the window. "Wait a minute... this isn't Clark's house." He looked around, confused at the library-tree in front of him.
"You're in the wrong dimension, pal. Now get off my lawn," Dan told the strangers, sternly but not too loud.
Mr. Shirley at that moment spat out his gag. "Help! POLICE! I've been kidna-" but Eddie quickly re-gagged his hostage.
"Now, don't be trying to escape. You got a bonus to make up for when we get to Clark's house," he informed the food additive tycoon.
"We don't have a lot of cops around here," Dan informed the pair, "but not to worry! I've invested heavily in a state-of-the art security system. Let me show it to you."
Dan added the pair's targeting parameters to the system, not easy to do since the scene is non-canon and switched the turrets on.
"Perimeter defenses activated." Turrets, guns, lasers and TF2 sentries of all varieties popped up from various nooks and crannies around the tree house. The mailbox transformed into a bazooka. They all aimed at Eddie and Frank as they stood in the snow.
"Sorry to bother you!" Eddie quickly yelled out. "Have a merry Christmas!"
"I feel like I need a Christmas Vacation," Dan muttered as the two ran away. He closed the blinds and turned back around, thankful that the non-canon incident had been settled without waking Twilight and the others. Unfortunately, another non-canon event was waiting right in front of him.
"Woooooooooooooooo~" a ghostly voice said. "Woooooooooo-oooooooooooooooohh!"
"AND IT JUST KEEPS GOING!" Dan yelled.
The spectral form of a pink pony materialized in the center of the living room. "Ebenezerrrrrrr..."
"It's Dan, Pinkie."
"I mean, Daaaaaaan..."
"What do you want?" Dan asked the pink wraith.
"I'm not Pinkiiiiiiie... I'm the ghost of Pinkie. YOUR FRIENNNNNND!"
"How nauseating," Dan said. "To what do I owe the discomfort, oh pepto-spectro?"
"Tonight, you will be visited by three GHOSTS!!"
"Including you?"
"Nooooooooope~!"
Dan looked around the pink phantom. "Are they behind you?"
Ghost-Pinkie turned to see the three spirits of the founders of Hearth's Warming Eve standing just behind her. "Um, yeah... that's actually themmm."
"And you guys are here to do... what?"
"Dan, you don't understand the meaning of Hearth's Warming Eveeeeeeeeee... so now these spirits will show it to you!"
"But I watched the play," Dan pointed out.
"Whaaaaat?"
"The play, I was there. I know what Hearth's Warming Eve is about. And I ain't afraid of no ghost."
Dan smiled. "Because I know who to call." Reaching into his pocket, he pressed two buttons on the touch pad and had to only wait two rings for a response. "Hello? Yeah, it's me. Uh-huh... yeah, and could you get here fast? Yeah, yeah, the holidays... okay, thanks." He closed the phone and pocketed it.
"Whooooo did you callllllll?"
His smile broadened. "I think we both know the answer to that."
The front door burst open. Three figures tumbled in and rolled into position in the living room. The hum of charged proton packs soon filled the air and the glow of the equipment illuminated three filly faces.
"Cutie Mark Crusaders Ghostbusters go!" the three announced.
"Thanks for getting here so quickly, guys," Dan thanked the CMCGB.
"No problem, Dan!" Scootaloo said. "Trap ready!"
"Light 'em up, Apple Bloom!" Sweetie Belle shouted.
"Light what up?" Pinkie asked, excited. "Are you guys having a party?! I can be like Casper and crash my own-"
The proton packs engaged and the CMCGB blasted the three ghost founders with wrapped energy. Towing them like spectral fish on a hook, the fillies wrestled the phantasms over the trap.
"Don't cross the streams!!" Dan cautioned them.
But the Cutie Mark Ghostbusters were professionals. And once the ghosts were directly over the trap, Scootaloo opened it and the specters were sucked inside.
"We're good!" Scootaloo announced.
"Awww," Pinkie, the only ghost left, moaned. "It took me forever to channel those three spirits."
"It's all right, Pinkie; this isn't canon anyway," Dan comforted her. He walked over to her and removed the ghost cloak from her, returning her to her normal, solid, living state. "You got this from Professor E. Gadd, didn't you?"
"Yeah..." Pinkie admitted. "It was a Hearth's Warming Eve gift.."
"Well, at least it went over better than his PS Vita Horror idea. Some things just weren't meant to be crossed over..." Dan said, remembering back to yet another obscure reference. "Anyway, don't try to sneak up on me with this again." He bundled up the Gadd Science Inc. ghost cloak up and handed it back to Pinkie.
"Okie dokie lokie, Danny..." Pinkie said, walking to the door and exiting along with the CMCGB.
"So, are you going to pay us now?" Apple Bloom asked.
"You can pay us by helping us earn our cutie marks!"
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!" Dan slammed the door on all four of them. He grabbed the smoking ghost trap off the floor, opened the door again and tossed it out, then slammed it again. "Bustin' makes ME feel good," he said to himself, walking away.
Late-night disturbances over with, Dan proceeded to the command and control wing of the library past the clop fiction section. With considerable menace in his mannerisms, Dan retrieved all the supplies he needed for his diabolical plan.
"All the ponies think that Christmas is so strange... well, when they wake up tomorrow, they'll see everything's changed! They'll celebrate Christmas, I'll make them all believe! From now on, they'll have Christmas instead of Hearth's Warming Eve!" Dan diabolically rhymed.
Satisfied that he had the tools that he required, he turned around to see Chrys standing in the doorway, looking tired.
"Dan?" the sweet changeling did ask with a yawn. "It's almost midnight... why do you still have clothes on?"
"Because, Chrys," Dan patted her on the shoulder and did say, "I'm preparing Ponyville a gift for Hearth's Warming Day."
"Oh really? Dan, that's really sweet. I hope everypony enjoys your Hearth's Warming treat."
"I'm sure they will," Dan said, with practically horns on his head. "Now, I have a lot of work to do, so you should get back to bed."
"Okay," Chrys yawned again as she took her leave. "Oh, and Dan?"
"Yes, Chrys?"
"Merry Christmas and happy Hearth's Warming Eve."
Chrys' gesture wasn't entirely lost on Dan. For just a brief moment, he reconsidered his plan. But before his heart could be changed, there was a small bit of doubt. "I might as well use this stuff; it's already out."
And so, Dan began prancing through town, putting up Christmas decorations and taking Hearth's Warming ones down. He put up Christmas trees and lights on rooftops and homes. In Pinkie Pie's yard, he made elves out of her garden gnomes.
With Rarity's house, he tried something unique. He made a mock Santa's workshop out of Carousel Boutique. Dan took all her fabric and sewed in new designs. He made all her latest fashions into a new Christmas-themed line. And when all that was left was a sweater and hat, he stuck sticks to it and made a reindeer out of Rarity's cat.
At Sweet Apple Acres, Dan continued his spree by turning the apple orchards into fields of Christmas trees. Every tree, he decorated with ornaments and lights and when he turned them on, the acre's glow lit up the night.
At Fluttershy's house, he found it hard to keep creeping lest he wake up her dozens of animals sleeping. Rather than risk waking up so many creatures from her bed, he decided to just decorate Fluttershy's shed.Now usually for the wingless, Cloudsdale is too high. But Dan had a helicopter, and for stealth, he did modify. And with a motor-quieting silencer, he took to the sky.
Unlike last time when he tried to get to Cloudsdale and crashed, this time Dan found it easy to get to Rainbow Dash. He turned the rainbow mare's cloud-house into one big Christmas display and added lights in two lines to make a runway. He even built a dock for Santa's sleigh.
Did Dan actually believe in Santa Claus? Whether he did or he didn't, it would not give him pause. Dan believed in Christmas and he believed it was right. And he would make Equestria believe it in the space of one night. From Rainbow Dash's house in his chopper, he descended. He had one more thing to do before his escapades ended.
For his final act of holiday redecoration, Dan defaced the Hearth's Warming Eve banner above the train station. He took some paint and a brush and wrote over the sign. In place of the words To All, A Warm Hearth's Warming Eve, he wrote above it, MERRY CHRISTMAS PONYVILLE! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, LEAVE!
When finished, Dan took time to look over his work. He admired every piece of it, the insufferable jerk, and walked through the streets of Ponyville sporting a most satisfied smirk. All that was left was for ponies to see it and for the excitement to perk.
Eager to witness firsthand the results of his plot, he hid behind a street wagon in a secluded spot. Just as he did, the sun's rays hit the street with impeccable timing. "It's the first day of Christmas, Ponyville," Dan said, and then added, "now enough with the rhyming!"
All over town, ponies woke up with excitement and glee. Dan wondered what they'd think when in each house, they found a Christmas-
"I SAID ENOUGH WITH THE RHYMING!"
tree -d-display. Yes, that's what I was going to say- uhh, that's what I meant. Any... anyhow, the townsfolk trotted out their doors, somewhat confused but still merry. Neighbors greeted and wished each other happy holidays. The streets quickly became filled with revelers celebrating, trotting to friends' houses, practically singing as they did so.
"Happy Hearth's Warming!"
"Happy Hearth's Warming Day!!!"
"IT'S HEARTH'S WARMING DAY! WOOOOOOOOO!"
Dan's own delighted smile quickly turned to a frown. "No, NO!" he shouted. He ran into the streets amongst the celebrators. "Can't you ponies read?! IT'S CHRISTMAS!!"
"Christmas? Where?" a passerby asked.
"Christmas, that's that tavern on Fourth Street by Denny's."
"You mean the one by the Wubway with the new roof?"
"No, the other one."
"NO!!" Dan yelled again. "It's Christmas TODAY!!"
"You mean the parade? Or the Hearth's Warming Exchange?"
"No, he said Crystal Mist. I'm on my way to her place with Cross Eye and Gary Busey."
"Do you know where they're selling raffle tickets?"
"AAAAAAAARRRRRrAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!!" Dan grabbed his hair and twisted in pain. "How... how can they just IGNORE the decorations?!! All I went through..."
Despite causing a scene in the middle of the snowy street, most ponies were too busy to notice more than a second of Dan's dismay. They did notice the decorations however, though most attributed whatever "Christmas" was to either be a typo or mean Hearth's Warming Eve in another language.
Dan held his head in disbelief for good couple minutes, trying to find out what had happened. "I did everything, replaced all their decorations, displays and gifts with Christmas ones and they're STILL celebrating Hearth's Warming Eve!!!"
"I told you it wouldn't do any good, Mr. Dan," the mayor's voice spoke loud over the revelers. Dan looked up to see her and a pair of her assistances walking towards him through the constantly moving crowd. "All your actions would do is cause confusion. We probably could've accommodated you next year but as for today... nopony is celebrating Christmas in Equestria."
The human was the only creature in Ponyville at that moment that felt a pang of cold in their chest. He couldn't think of anything to say back to the stubborn politician. Part of him wanted to just crawl back home, turn on the television and forget this day even happened. For the first time since coming to Equestria, Dan felt like he was something that just didn't belong there. He felt completely, utterly alien and alone. But he wasn't.
"That's not true, Miss Mayor," Twilight said.
Dan turned around and saw his friends, Twilight, Chrys and all the others gathered on the other side of the street. They were each dressed with antler headbands on their heads, Spike dressed as an elf and Chrys in the lead with a red bulb on her nose. And behind them, they were pulling a sleigh. On either side in bright-lighted letters were the words "Merry Christmas and Happy Hearth's Warming Eve!"
"We decided to find out about Christmas and well... do something to make it a bit more Christmas-y for you here, Dan," Chrys said.
"You guys..." Dan said, nearly stunned. "You really did all this for me?"
They all nodded cheerily. "We didn't want you to feel left out, Dan," Twilight said. "We all pitched in and built this for you."
"And you dressed up as reindeer!" Dan exclaimed, going to each harnessed pony with a delighted expression on his face.
"Well, as close as reindeer as we're gonna get," Applejack corrected.
"And I... wouldn't advertise it to everypony," Rarity blushed.
Dan continued to marvel at the sleigh. "It's... perfect. Better than the chariot I had in Canterlot." He brushed his hand over the polished finish of the red vehicle, tears pressing on the corners of his eyes. "You guys..."
The ponies watched him and could see his reaction. "This is the best Christmas... AND Hearth's Warming present I've ever received." With that, Dan and the ponies shared a group hug so warm it practically melted the snow under them. "I'M NOT CRYING! It's... it's just cold."
"No, Dan," Chrys said, "it's not cold at all with you here." The hug grew tighter with that statement. Ponies noticed, held hooves to their chests and d'awwed at the sight in the street. Truly, the spirit of the season was alive and well. Whether it was Christmas, Hearth's Warming or both, hearts had never been warmer that moment in Ponyville.
"Now," Twilight said, "there's just one thing missing."
"What?" Dan asked, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"We need someone to drive the sleigh," she nodded over her shoulder.
Dan's face lit up like a Christmas tree. Without another word, he dashed up to a seat and took the reins of the sleigh.
"Excuse me," the mayor's sharp voice cut through both air and enthusiasm simultaneously, "but I believe you're all forgetting about our holiday regulations."
Two other stallions, a bright indigo Pegasus with a broken horn and a stallion on two metal legs in a lab coat stepped forward, each wearing smiles of their own. Though the two weren't interested in any holiday, they were about to do a lot of celebrating.
"Happy Hearth's Warming, my friends," the bipedal stallion smiled.
"Happy Hearth's Warming!!" Pinkie shouted and waved. Dan and the others were too perplexed at the appearance of the two other ponies to say anything. But it turned out, Twilight had something to say.
"Professor?"
"Professor?!" Dan and the others repeated, turning to Twilight in disbelief.
"Professor Vice Grip?" Twilight asked.
"Twilight Sparkle!" Vice exclaimed and the purple mare came running to him. "My brightest student! I heard about your coronation!"
Twilight blushed slightly at the mentioning of her princesshood but was happy her old professor still called her by her name without the title. "It's so good to see you again! How have you been?"
"I've been quite busy, actually, working to develop new inventions in time for the holiday season." The pair hugged, Vice wrapping his metal gauntlets around Twilight's shoulder in a friendly embrace. Seeing it kind of unnerved the rest of Twilight's friends, especially Dan. Lightning Claw, beside Mayor Mare also was discomforted by the display.
"Twilight?" Chrys asked, walking over to them, "would you... care to introduce us to your friend here?"
"PROFESSOR?!!" Dan growled in disbelief again.
The mare bashfully turned around. "This is Professor Vice Grip, he was one of my teachers at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns in Canterlot. He was one of the top science instructors the school ever had."
The lab coated stallion kindly accepted the accolades. "Please, I prefer just Vice. I've left the world of teaching to pursue a much more pertinent goal."
Chrys raised an eyebrow. "Wait... why would an earth pony teach at a school for gifted-"
"Shh-shh-shh," Spike whispered. "Just go with it."
Vice looked around Twilight. "Is that Spike I see over there?" The purple dragon waved. "My, seems like just yesterday you were hatched. Took us a while to fix the roof, if I recall," the stallion chuckled.
"What are you up to now, professor?" Twilight asked her former teacher.
"Yes, what ARE you up to?" Dan's tone questioned more motive than activity.
The upright stallion stood taller, seeming to stare over the heads of the other ponies and off into the distance. But not over Chrys' head. "Equestria is changing rapidly, Twilight. The rediscovery of the Crystal Empire, the presence of humans in our world, you becoming a princess, a lot is happening to our world very fast. But the population doesn't seem to be changing along with it, not fast enough, at least. It just seems like so many ponies are set in their ways, not seeing how quickly things can change. And then when something new happens, they find they're not prepared for it."
Twilight's gaze hit the ground when he mentioned that. "I know what you mean..." She didn't say more but part of her wanted to. What Vice Grip said rang true to her more than anypony else and she felt it. She knew her lessons on the magic of friendship weren't being applied the way she wanted them to, she didn't have a good enough relationship with the princesses or her family and she wasn't prepared for anything that had happened recently in her life. Except, strangely, Dan, Chrys and Fluffle Puff.
"Which is why I founded a corporation based in the Crystal Empire called Future Integrations Stable-Tec," Vice continued.
"We set it up on Kickstarter!" Lightning Claw added with a giddy smile. "We did a whole campaign, got donations and told ponies what we wanted to build for them was a better future today and soon everypony started donating bits and-'
Vice covered his comrade's muzzle. "We uh, we have quite a storied history in our short time since launching but mostly, we started with the name Future Integration and then we bought out a smaller company called Stable-Tec and acquired a lot of their technology, resources and a few underground structures they were building."
"That's amazing," Twilight said. "You started your own company?"
"On Kickstarter?" Dan asked, voice heavy with skepticism and contempt. The end of his question almost asked a pained "really?"
"Yes, and it's now one of the chief security providers and research corporations in Equestria," Vice proudly stated. He rubbed his chin. "Speaking of security, I heard a certain princess received a new royal guard recently," he smiled at Twilight.
The purple princess' wings fluttered as she stepped back, allowing Vice full view of all her friends, most of which harnessed to the sleigh. Except for Pinkie, who walked back into frame sipping some hot cocoa from a nearby street vendor. She gestured out with her hoof. "These are all my friends I've met since moving to Ponyville."
"WE'VE actually met already," Dan said in an aggressive tone. "BOTH of you. But YOU," he pointed to Lightning, "you're that pony that jumped me in the Everfree Forest!"
Lightning backed away at the accusation. "I uh, I was just-" Sparks of electricity flicked at his hooves as he instinctively drew on his powers. Consciously, he knew Vice didn't want him to use his abilities in front of other ponies lest they ask questions but he sometimes couldn't help it. Dan's aggression was making his emotions flare and his body began producing electricity as a precautionary defense, one which threatened to blow his cover.
Fortunately, Vice stepped in between the two. "I can explain that," he clasped his hands behind his back. Dan stopped and met the gaze of the standing stallion, willing to hear what he had to say but already convinced it was total buck. But Dan knew Vice was smart, so it was going to be long, clever buck.
"I do apologize for my associate's earlier actions against you in the Everfree Forest, Dan," Vice's hands clasped behind his back, locking together with a steel clack. "I'd tasked Mr. Claw with overseeing Flim and Flam's distribution of our commercial-model Magic Gears and he perceived you as a threat."
"Um, yes," Lightning Claw stepped forward, timidly but faithfully. "I... I uh, I thought you were a monster or something... in the Everfree, I mean. There's all sorts of monsters there and I thought you meant to harm our distribution process," he explained, bashfully rubbing the back of his neck with a hoof. He and Vice had rehearsed this charade but he still didn't know if Dan would buy it.
Dan remained skeptical, but he had nothing else to go on. "I... probably would have," the human admitted. "I didn't trust Flim or Flam OR whatever they were trying to sell for that matter."
Vice Grip nodded, much to his surprise. "And you had good reason not to. It turned out, the two of them had grossly altered my design without approval and without my knowledge, causing all sorts of problems with our customers. I do apologize for the misunderstanding, though, and take full responsibility for all FIST's employees in the matter."
Dan's eyes were still narrow at both the ponies but he decided not to press the issue. "Certainly," the human replied, his tone not hiding every ounce of distrust he felt towards them. He didn't trust most other beings, though, he was learning to trust more lately. But for some reason, Vice reminded him of something all too familiar from Earth, something more than just a salesman, a bureaucrat or a politician.
Vice was the only pony Dan had met that wanted to change Equestria, disagreed with everything around him that everypony else thought was great. Dan wasn't aware of it, but somehow, Vice Grip reminded Dan of something he never thought he'd ever find on Equestria.
Himself.
"You're the one who developed Magic Gear?" Twilight asked. "Including the one at Canterlot?"
Vice nodded again. "Yes, KNIGHT/ROOK was our early prototype of the Magic Gear defense system, a final solution to all the threats facing Equestria. Future Integrations Stable-Tec, or FIST, was contracted by Princess Luna to provide our nation with the ultimate defense to things like monsters, invaders rogue arcanists, errr-" Twilight and a few of the others raised eyebrows at the term 'arcanists'.
Not a polite phrase to use in front of magic-users, the word "arcanist" was a derogatory, though very old, remark used to describe unicorns or other magic-users to those who had no knowledge of sorcery. Typically, it was heard in areas where the use of magic was exceedingly rare and still looked on with a good amount of fear and uncertainty, referred to simply as "the arcane." To use it in front of a princess was unheard of.
Vice cleared his throat to cover his mistake. "*ahem* uh, magic-users and other dangers to Equestria. Each Magic Gear was designed to be the watchful protector of ponies, built in the image of the citizens it protects as a message to those who may try to attack us."
Having not harped on the use of the word arcanist, Dan continued his dialogue. "Yeah, you mentioned that in Cloudsdale. I also remember you saying you're concerned with the future of Equestria."
"That's right," Vice returned to enthusiasm, "that's what FIST is about, after all. Delivering the future of Equestria today through advanced technology, research and social integration."
Dan raised an eyebrow. "And through giant pony robots? That you can barely control?"
"Barely control?" Vice asked. "Whatever do you mean by-"
Dan stomped over to him. "Barely control, as in, you don't control them. The one under Canterlot Castle nearly nuked the town and you already said Flim and Flam modified the others. AND your... 'associate'" he gestured to Lightning Claw, "flew off the handle and into my face here, so tell me how am I to believe you've got things 'under control', mister Grip?"
The brown stallion quickly regained his composure. "I can tell you're very concerned about the safety of Equestria, my friend," he patted him on the back with a metal glove. "And as I said, each of the prototypes you encountered were modified without my knowledge. But they are indeed my responsibility so you are absolutely right; we could indeed have handled the situation better. Which is why I'm here today."
Boss approaching...
"FIST is here as a gesture of goodwill to Ponyville," Mayor Mare said. "With my permission, they've organized their own addition to the annual Hearth's Warming Eve gift giving celebration."
Boss approaching...
Chrys raised an eyebrow at the three. "What kind of addition?"
An uncomfortable sensation hit Dan in the stomach. "Oh... oh no..."
Lightning Claw closed his eyes smugly and stepped forward with a confident smirk. "Using research we gathered from previous iterations, FIST has designed a new Magic Gear that's gonna change the way ponies celebrate the holidays."
"A... a new Magic Gear? Here?" Concern finally found its way into Twilight's tone.
Vice Grip beamed. "Just in time for Hearth's Warming, we thought we'd surprise Ponyville with a present the whole town can enjoy...." his smile grew just a little too wide as he added, "that all of Equestria can enjoy."
Dan looked back and fourth quickly. "Well? Where is it?" he demanded. He put an ear to the ground. "Let me guess, huge panels are going to peel back and it's gonna rise out of the ground from a secret platform hidden underneath. Is that it?"
Warning! Boss arrival imminent!
Vice regarded the human kneeling on the frozen ground. "Not this time, my friend." A dark shadow cast over the ponies. It scrawled past them and soon the entire group was in the shade. Confused faces turned to the sky, followed by dropping jaws. Dan had to be hoisted off the ground by Chrys but soon he understood what they were all looking at.
"Not some prototype, not a commercial model, nope, this is the real deal, folks!" Vice announced loudly. The object blocking out the sun descended to the streets of Ponyville on twin metallic wings that reflected light off the edges. Air was blasted by the group as four leg-attached jets carried the colossal metal pony to just above the road.
Lightning Claw stepped to the side to address the 'captive audience'. "Fresh off the assembly line, the first OFFICIAL Equestrian defense system, approved by Princess Luna herself," Vice's voice joined his in announcing, "Magic Gear ACE!"
Anti-Alicorn Mobile Assault Weapons Platform Mk. 1 Magic Gear ACE The Gift that Keeps On Crushing
"WAIT JUST A MINUTE!!" Dan shouted. He ran up to Twilight's side and pointed at the machine, "How is that monstrosity even relevant to Hearth's Warming Eve?!"
Pinkie tapped her head, making a distinct hollow plunk each time with her hoof. "It could be a decoration! A really BIIIIG decoration!" she suggested.
"Noooo," Dan dismissed. "The mayor said ALL the decorations had to be Hearth's Warming Eve-themed or that could cause confusion... whatever that means."
Chrys turned to the mayor, "Really, Mayor Mare, that's kind of pushing it to deny Dan like that."
The mayor facehooved. "If ANYPONY thinks they can do a better job of holding this town together for the holidays, they are MOST welcome to try."
The changeling transformed into an exact copy of Mayor Mare on the spot. "Challenge accepted."
Before the two Mayor Mares could fight further, Dan stepped forward and bellowed, "That STILL doesn't explain how this latest contraption is Hearth's Warming Eve approved!! So unless you can do that, I'm gonna-"
Vice rose a hand. "One moment." From his coat pocket, he withdrew a small remote control. The moment Dan saw it, he knew he was going to regret calling Vice out on it. Without hesitation, the pony pressed a button on the remote and the large robot deployed a lit-up green wreath from around its neck.
Dan frowned. "Deck my halls."
Magic Gear ACE's glowing visual sensors narrowed at Dan. The forty-foot festively-themed filly crouched slightly, lowering itself just a bit into a pre-predatory stance. Dan and the others didn't notice its change in posture, the creature now acting like a large, playful pony-cat before cornered mice. But Vice noticed; it was another reason why he held the remote firmly.
Despite the fact Vice's original plans for the Magic Gear didn't include an A.I, he had to admit, Luna's modification was practical. As the first in the line of production-model Magic Gears, ACE was designed to be piloted from the cockpit located in her "head." Learning from the defeat of KNIGHT only two short weeks ago, Vice had decided that having multiple control options was for the better. Now, ACE and her sisters could be controlled either manually from inside, via remote control or by voice recognition.
"I don't care what you say. That thing has nothing to do with Hearth's Warming Eve!!"
Mayor Mare gave a frustrated, head-shaking sigh. "They filled out the proper paperwork, they applied in advance, they-"
Vice placed a hand on the mayor's shoulder. "Please, mayor, allow me." He looked across to Dan and smiled. "Of course, Dan. You know all the cultural details of the Hearth's Warming, don't you?" his voice was heavy with snide sarcasm. "You've been in Equestria for what, a year now? I'm sure you're well-versed on all our customs."
Dan's fists balled. The giant robot in front of them may have had his attention but now, the human's glare was fixated solely on the smiling, bipedal stallion who introduced it.
Vice knew more about Dan than the young man realized, another fact he found infuriating. He knew Dan's fury had many triggers but that it ultimately was more offensive than defensive, which, like Magic Gear, made it the perfect defense mechanism. Dan got angry and sought vengeance at many things; individuals that annoyed him, bureaucracies that restrained him, regulations and systems that inconvenienced him, but whenever Dan lashed out at something, it was usually at least partly justified. And Vice knew Dan needed justification.
People like Dan were usually so angry, so vindictive when provoked, that most individuals wouldn't ever intentionally try to make them mad. But Vice knew that was the point. In so doing, Vice knew that the best way to deal with Dan's rage was actually to provoke him in ways he couldn't justify retribution. Pushing Dan's buttons, that was his weakness. Because if you knew which buttons to press, you could control him just as easily as you could Magic Gear. And Vice simply knew of the best instrument of all to push Dan's buttons with:
The truth.
Twilight noticed Dan's rage building, the snow underneath him practically evaporating. She walked over and grabbed his arm with her hooves. "Dan..." her voice tried to calm him. But he still seethed. It was then Twilight realized what to do. Eyes narrowed, she walked in front of Dan, much to everypony else's surprise.
"Miss Mayor, I know how hard the holidays are for you," she turned to her friends and gestured with the wave of a hoof, "They're tough on all of us. They can cause strain between the closest friends and families because we all expect so much. But there are always little things we can do, things to show each other that we care and can get along and all have a happy holiday."
"That's right!" Chrys jumped up to Twilight's side. She also quickly changed back to her normal form, having previously been Mayor Mare. "That's why we built this sleigh... and wore these ridiculous antlers."
"And I don't think Dan did anything to prevent anypony from having a happy Hearth's Warming," Twilight proudly proclaimed. Her friends agreed with a resounding "Yeah!", assembling around her, Dan and Chrys, even pulling the sleigh closer to show their unwavering support.
Dan's rage melted into confidence, happiness and... love. Feeling his friends all around him, he turned back to Twilight. "I did my best to bring Christmas to Ponyville... but it was already here. Thank you, thank you so much... Twilight." The two hugged, which quickly turned into yet another group hug.
Lightning Claw shed a couple tears at the display before being nudged by Vice. But even Magic Gear ACE behind them had a couple robotic sniffles from watching such good friends. The mayor simply adjusted her glasses.
"You still defaced the whole town, Mr. Dan," Mayor Mare said. "I told you this could cause confusion to those from out-of-town if we were to just have another impromptu holiday on the same day. You changed every decoration in town and quite possibly set back our entire event schedule. We're going to have to change them back before we can even begin Hearth's Warming."
The group groaned, Fluffle blew a disapproving "PHBBBBBBBBBBBTTT" but Twilight stood her ground. She thought; there had to be something that connected Christmas and Hearth's Warming together. Then she realized the answer was all around her.
"I don't think we need to change anything. Do you, Dan?"
"What?" Dan asked, not understanding.
Chrys caught on immediately. "No... no, I think Dan's festive adornments are quite the addition to Hearth's Warming."
"My animals enjoy it," Fluttershy said.
"And Cloudsdale finally got to see snow instead of making it!" Rainbow Dash added.
"I don't think Sweet Apple Acres has ever looked more festive," AJ commented.
"My winter clothing line's gotten some much-needed flare added to it as well," Rarity chimed in.
And then Pinkie Pie bounced forward. "EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT!! It's like Opposite Day and Hearth's Warming Eve combined! OOOOH! Let's call it OPPOSITE DAN!!"
"No."
"FIIIIIIIINE." The cocoa was making her more hyper than usual.
"And as for the rest of the town, I don't think Dan's done anything to deface the current decorations," Twilight remarked. "In fact, I think Dan's made them even better."
Mayor Mare bit her tongue. "I... I suppose that..."
"Better?" Vice scoffed. "Trying to replace a beloved holiday our nation has celebrated for generations with some foreign pseudo-pagan ritual, of course, that's much better than our time-honored traditions, thank you," he said sarcastically.
"You can't ignore the fact that what you did was still vandalism, Dan," Lightning said to the human.
The mayor groaned. "That, that is still true, Princess Twilight."
"Not if he modified them as a result of safety concerns," Chrys said. "As a member of the Sparkle Guard, he has the authority to alter standing public structures in accordance with security regulations."
"We haven't updated those in years!" the mayor protested. "That law was meant for putting up new banners and red carpets for when the princesses came to visit! It hasn't applied in years and only when a princess arrives!!"
Twilight raised her hoof. "Ima princess."
"UGGGH!!" the mayor yelled. "Why must everypony insist on making things so difficult?!"
"Mayor," Chrys came forward, "this is what we want. What we all want for Dan. Can we just have that?"
The mayor looked to the pleading faces of the mane 6, all in antlers and harnessed to a ramshackle red sleigh. They looked back at her with extra-wide innocent eyes, even Fluttershy did the stare and Fluffle Puff held up a sign prompting the audience to go "d'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."
"Fine, fine, fine!" the mayor threw up her hooves. "I swear, I am retiring after this!" The elder political mare stormed off through the snow.
"Um, mayor?" Lightning tried to stop her. "Mayor! Our demonstration?"
"You're on your own, boys. Happy/merry Hearth'smas/whatever day!"
Lightning's outstretched hoof lowered as the mayor departed quickly. It was times like these he questioned his partnership with Vice, and when he did, he was immediately reminded of his own broken horn. He rubbed it self-consciously, generating just a little static electricity with his hooves. It was an odd habit but had the side effect of releasing excess electricity.
"Vice,... sir, maybe we should pack it up?" he tugged on his mentor's coat. "We could try this another day, after the holidays. Or we could make our own holiday!" He suddenly became excited at his own suggestion. Lightning hopped shook Vice's hand enthusiastically, trying to get a response from him. "Come on, boss! We can make our own holiday! Like... FIST-Day! Or combine our names! Umm... Vrightning! No, uh, Lice Clip!" his eyes widened for a moment. "Okay... that sounds terrible, scratch that. But we could pick a new day, Vice, come on!"
Vice was silent, staring an impenetrable gaze at Twilight, Dan and the others. A victorious group of colorful antler-wearing heroes merrily celebrated and danced together. Behind him, Magic Gear ACE began drawing a picture in the snow with her hooves, dragging them so deep into the snow they plowed to the hard ground beneath.
The bipedal stallion checked the time on his gauntlet's watch display. "Lightning Claw, I believe it's time for us to open our presents."
Lightning Claw knew what that meant and swallowed hard.
The momentary celebration ended when Dan and company noticed Vice giving them a stare colder than the snow they were standing on from a few feet away.
"What's the matter?" Chrys asked. "You guys aren't going with the mayor?"
"Professor!" Twilight called. "Professor, would you like to celebrate Christmas and Hearth's Warming Eve with us?" Despite the conflict, Twilight was eager to try and reach out in spite of their differences. While some might of seen that as naïve, it was just in her nature.
"IT'S A DOUBLE HOLIDAY!!" Pinkie shouted, jumping up and down. "That means double the parties! Double cake, double punch, double dancing, doubling down, double dutch, double dipping, Double Dragon-"
"Double duct tape," Dan finished, holding up some packing tape in front of Pinkie Pie. The pink mare quieted down in response.
"Just kidding! It's Christmas!" Dan used the tape to adorn the mare's mane with mistletoe. Pinkie smiled, happy that her exuberance had a place. "Hey!" Dan called to Vice, cohort and massive metal mech pony, "You guys wanna join us for a Christmas party? You're welcome to come over if you park that thing outside the house."
Chrys leaned over to Dan. "You're actually going to invite... them? And the robot?" She looked over to Vice and the other broken-horned alicorn, Lightning Claw. It looked as though Vice's subordinate was trying to get him to reconsider, almost like Twilight urging Dan not to go through with something.
"Why not? It's the spirit of the season. They'll be fine!" He said with uncharacteristic glee. Then he added with a sadistic grin, "And they'll be in range of the turrets."
"You can't solve every problem by shooting it, Dan," Chrys warned.
"I NEVER GET TO SOLVE ANYTHING BY SHOOTING IT!" Dan yelled. "In case you hadn't noticed, we haven't used ANY of my security systems, plans, equipment, strategies or procedures for anything!"
"We tried to blast our way into Canterlot," she reminded him.
Dan shook his head. "That WAS a security system! So it doesn't count!"
Chrys raised an eyebrow. "How does that not-"
"HEY! Do you guys wanna-"
"ENOUGH!!" Vice bellowed. Lightning Claw was taken aback, as were the others. Magic Gear ACE snapped to attention at the sound of its creator's voice booming. "Enough of this farce. I came here to deliver a presentation and it's about time I delivered," he spun around, taking the controls in hand.
"What kind of demonstration?!" Dan shouted back, advancing to where Twilight stood. "Don't tell me that thing sings holiday tunes?"
"Dan," Twilight cautioned her friend but he was already continuing.
"Honestly, what does a giant robot have to do with Hearth's Warming Eve?" Dan yelled at him but his back was turned, fiddling with the controller for the Magic Gear. "You talk a lot about what a great innovation that thing is but the last three you've made have only wound up demolishing whatever they try to protect. You after some kind of protection racket?"
"Vice," Lightning Claw lifted a beckoning hoof, "Vice, bossbud, please. We talked about this."
"Yes, we did," Vice agreed, his tone malicious.
"We're just going to do the snowcones, the lights and the launcher, right?" Claw asked, hopeful. Vice gave no answer. "Vice?"
"I wasn't anticipating to unveil this until tomorrow but I guess now's as good a time as any," Vice said.
Dan had enough of being ignored. He stomped up to the lab coated stallion and pulled him around by the shoulder. Vice didn't even look up at Dan. "You talk a lot about wanting what's best for Equestria but all your mechanical garbage has caused more harm than good so far. So what is it? What are you planning?!"
"One moment..." Vice said.
"ANSWER ME!!" To say that Dan didn't trust Vice was an understatement. But he had no evidence that he was untrustworthy, just that he had a bad attitude. And that made him more uncomfortable to Dan than anything else.
An electrified hoof separated Dan from Vice Grip. Lightning Claw stepped between his superior and the aggravated human. A single glare for the indigo subordinate to send a clear message to everyone that this was not the time for messing around.
The controller finally beeped. ACE's eyes blinked and turned a cold blue. "Magic Gear ACE online."
"You want to know what my plan is, Dan?" Vice asked rhetorically. "You want to know what Magic Gear is for?"
"Vice," Lightning tried to caution one last time. But of course, it was to be for naught.
Vice continued flipping the controls, typing in commands to ACE as he spoke. "I'm delivering Equestria's future, Dan. Equestria was founded on Hearth's Warming and today... its future is."
Lights appeared all along the sides of Magic Gear ACE. The wreath around its neck disappeared and its horn began to glow an icy blue that grew to a darker purple.
"Professor..." Twilight asked, her voice holding a concerned innocence. "Professor, what do you mean?"
He smiled at Twilight. "I'm happy you're here to see this, Twilight. This involves you, too."
"It does?" Twilight didn't like this. Vice wasn't acting anything like he had been when she knew him long ago. She was beginning to get suspicious, the same way she'd been suspicious when Chrys impersonated Cadence at her brother's wedding. Something was very, very wrong. "Professor, does Luna really approve of this demonstration?"
"Magic Gear is a gift to Equestria," Vice ignored the question. "And my personal gift to our princesses. For today, you will finally get a real holiday." He spun around to the Magic Gear. "This is the real power of Magic Gear! Activate the Celestial Grip!!"
"Celestial Grip online." Magic Gear ACE's horn pulsed. Ripples of magic, other-worldly force exuded in waves around the horn and coalesced into a ring around the base. Energy built around its hooves, circulating into its body as it drew extra magic from the environment itself.
"I think we might want to get behind something..." Chrys said, huddling behind Dan. The human stood his ground, gritting his teeth as the display continued.
Wind whipped around Twilight and Dan, making it hard for them to stand against the cold rush. "Dan!" Twilight called, "I think we should have approval over public demonstrations from now on!"
Dan covered his eyes with his arm, still staring at the glowing gear. "All you had to say was screw the mayor! I'm on board!"
Fluffle Puff's eyes locked with Vice's. "That's what he wants," she whispered, not loud enough to hear.
ACE's horn fired a purple bolt into the sky, lighting up the entire town as it ascended. It blew past the clouds, farther and farther up into space. With a thunder clap, it was gone. The town fell silent.
The group opened their eyes.
"Is that it?" Rainbow asked.
"I'm happy it's over..." Fluttershy commented.
Vice wagged a metal finger. "Not quite. Wait just a minute..." he pointed up at the sky. Cloud cover obscured their view. There was nothing to indicate that anything had happened at all. "Just... give it a minute."
Finally, a break in the clouds appeared. It took a moment for them to notice but then finally, they all saw it at once.
"What... is that?" Chrys asked.
"What did you do to the sun?!" Twilight asked, shocked.
High in the sky above Equestria, the sun had taken on its own 'decoration'. A dark purple gear surrounded the yellow sphere, a similar one around ACE's horn.
Dan, Twilight, Chrys and their friends were stunned speechless by the ominous display. There was no remark Dan could make because the danger almost spoke for itself. Neither was there a witty response for Chrys to make or something funny for Pinkie to say. For the first time, it was just too serious, too concerning for any of them to make light of. And that's exactly what Vice Grip wanted.
The moment was perfect and for once, none of Dan or Twilight's friends could do anything to ruin it. So naturally, genius ruins it for himself.
"Hahahahaha! Impressed?" he asked the awestruck group. "That's right! That's right! I have the power to control the sun now!" He practically hopped through the snow, pacing back and fourth in front of the Magic Gear like a giddy school filly. His smile couldn't have been brighter as he took in the expressions on their faces.
"You really don't have anything to say, do you? Not even the pink ones!" Vice said, pleased with himself. "I think now you all finally understand the TRUE power of Magic-" *CRUNGK* Too pleased with himself to look where he was going. The proud professor tripped over the edge of Magic Gear ACE's left hoof, the toe of his own metallic leg clanking against the chrome and face-planting him into the snow.
"Self-defense mode engaged."
"...Gear...ugh," Vice finished, lifting his head up. The remote control for ACE, the size and shape of any radio-controlled toy controller, had been in the grip of his right gauntlet when he fell. The metal hand had apparently crushed it but not before triggering the robot's defenses.
"Professor... Vice Grip!" Twilight yelled, eyes darting between the two gears. "What have you done?!" Unlike Earth's sun, Equestria's sun was capable of being viewed from the planet's surface. This made it easier for Celestia to maintain, especially during that time of the month when the solar flares cropped up, even though she often controlled the sun with her eyes closed. But never had it been done by any other pony, by any method other than magic, and that is what shocked and, honestly, horrified Twilight Sparkle.
Vice Grip, still getting up after losing pretty much all composure, cleaned the moisture off his muzzle. He was about to answer Twilight's question with a raised metal finger when Lightning Claw appeared behind him.
"Oh, hey, you got it to work! Cool!" Lightning said while munching on a snow cone.
The lab coated scientist was about to chastise his subordinate for showing lack of confidence in their invention when he noticed what Lightning had in his right hoof. "What's that you're eating?"
"Snow cone," the indigo-pink pony replied, casually taking another bite. "Five bits for three flavors. I got lime, cherry and blue raspberry!"
Vice practically face-gloved. "You bought a snow cone?"
"Yeah, they're selling 'em over by the-"
"Why would you BUY a snow cone?!" Vice interrupted in frustration. "Look around you! What do you see on the ground?!"
Lightning innocently took in his surroundings. "Snow," he replied.
"Exactly! There's snow all around us!" Vice yelled, enraged at his colleague. "So why would you spend money on something that's literally falling out of the sky?!"
"I like snow cones~" Lightning said with a squee-inducing smile.
Twilight and friends had now turned their attention to Vice Grip and Lightning and once again found themselves bewildered. In this middle of this dangerous show of force, the two ponies were arguing. And yet, something about it felt familiar.
Chrys leaned over to Twilight's ear. "Those two arguing, is it just me or do they remind you of... someone else we know?"
"It does..." Twilight said. She then looked up to the sun again while the pair continued arguing. "There's something too familiar about all of this..."
"You're wasting OUR money!" Vice shouted. "There's snow all around us and you just PAID somepony for it!"
"Yeah, well... it doesn't have three flavors," Lightning defended, holding the snow cone away from Vice. "And it isn't in cone-form. Snow's always better when it's in cone-form."
Vice Grip rubbed his temple in frustration. "Your head must be in cone-form for it to fit so far up your-"
"Vice Grip!" Twilight interjected, "What is the meaning of all of this? The sun is Princess Celestia's responsibility, she's the only pony who can move it!"
"Oh, but that's the idea!" Vice turned to face the group again. "Now, everypony in Equestria will have the power to control the sun. Not just one privileged alicorn."
"Professor," Twilight stepped closer, trying to reason with him. She knew something wasn't right but she had to try to get through to her former teacher somehow. "Professor, this is too much power for anypony but the princess to have. The sun has always been Princess Celestia's responsibility. Did you even ask her permission before you... you did this?"
Vice was about to say something when Lightning answered for him. "Nope!" the horned Pegasus called out. Vice Grip seethed at his comrade's response.
"You built a robot that can control the sun and you didn't even ask the one pony that's done it before? Literally EVERY DAY for the past millennium?!!" Dan demanded, asking his own questions. "Did you consult with ANYPONY who knows ANYTHING about astronomy before building this thing??!"
"No again!" Lightning yelled happily, starting to have a good time himself.
Chrys piped up. "Did you at least try to test it first?"
"Yep!" Lightning answered again. "If you're counting just now!" he added with a laugh.
"Enough!" Vice Grip shouted angrily. "Why would I ask those pompous, pretentious little princesses for anything?"
Twilight and the others gasped.
"You don't talk about the princesses that way!" Fluttershy was the first to yell.
"YOU are no gentlecolt!" Rarity added.
"You just done crossed the line, pardner," Applejack pulled down her Stetson.
"You better start apologizing right now, bub," Rainbow Dash threatened.
"I'M PINK AS HECK AND I'M NOT GONNA BAKE IT ANY MORE!!" Pinkie Pie declared, tossing a tray of cupcakes she spontaneously appeared with at Vice Grip. The tray and cargo splatted into the snow a few feet away from Vice, who didn't flinch at the ponies defending their sovereign. Lightning picked up a cupcake from the snow, dusted it off and began munching it.
"Mmm... I guess you can call that the mane six second rule," Lightning snacked.
Vice scoffed at the display. "Since when is there a rule for developing technology to reposition stars? There's no laws or decrees saying I can't try to control the sun on my own."
"It's common sense!" Dan spoke out. In a line with all the ponies and Spike beside him, he rose to defend Equestria with them. "You don't know anything about the sun or magic! You should've consulted with the princesses before pulling this crazy stunt!"
Vice's menacing expression quickly broke into a grin. "The same way the princesses consult with anypony else?"
"That's why we're doing this," Lightning, having finished his treats, joined his friend at his side. "To show ponies that FIST cares about the future enough to share it with everypony. Thanks to Vice, all of us can control the sun and the moon now."
"And to demonstrate that anypony can control the sun, we've invited a special guest to test Magic Gear ACE's Celestial Grip capabilities," Vice gestured off to the side. A small brown colt with a propeller cap and backpack came walking up towards the other ponies and took a side by Vice Grip.
Dan and company gasped in disbelief once again when they saw who it was.
"Hi Twilight!" Button Mash waved to the group. "I'm with the bad guys!"
Vice and Lightning facepalm/hooved. "Button, we're not bad guys; we're innovators."
"You're into what?" Button asked, perplexed.
Lightning Claw knelt down to the smaller colt. "Button Mash, we're not evil. We're rebelling against an oppressive government by offering technological advancements to everypony in order to redistribute power back to the masses from its tyrannical overlords we're overthrowing."
The young gamer turned his confused expression to Lightning Claw. "You're into what?" he asked again. The entire group, including Magic Gear ACE, facepalm/hooved. Button held up a stack of papers. "It says right here in the script that FIST are the bad guys and Magic Gear is a weapon built by an evil mad stallion. That's you guys, right?"
Lightning Claw snatched the script and whapped Button Mash in the head with it. A shower of confetti rained upon the two as the paper struck the side of Button's face.
Best Original 4th-wall Break Involving Two OCs and a Copy of The Story within The Story Award: 2015! (Applaud yourselves too, audience. It's not a 4th-wall break without you.)
"Button Mash," Dan said in a reprimanding tone, "why are you with THEM in the first place?"
"Um," the young pony scratched his chin. "What am I supposed to do again?"
Vice handed the youngster the Magic Gear control. "You're going to be the first pony in Equestria to move the sun by Magic Gear!" he said enthusiastically.
"Oh, okay. Gotcha," the gamer confirmed. As with every pre-adolescent, two seconds was all he needed to examine and fully understand a piece of sophisticated technology. After examining the buttons and nobs on the damaged controller, Button Mash was now an expert in its operation by way of the law of young kids and new video games.
Satisfied, the scientist turned back to his captive audience. "I'm a pony of my word. ANYPONY will be able to control the sun using our Magic Gear. And to show you how, our volunteer Button Mash will now turn the sun forward three hours!"
"Vice Grip, don't!" Twilight warned. "This is wrong! You need to talk to Princess Celestia first! You need to talk to ANYPONY first!" Her wings flared. Twilight Sparkle had had enough and was about to exercise her own powers to stop the demonstration, the others could tell that. "You need to stop and think!"
"Nopony wants you to do this, pal!" Dan added his voice to Twilight's. "I'm ordering you to stop this nonsense before somepony gets hurt! NAMELY BOTH OF YOU!!"
"Button? Button Mash?" Vice looked around. He even looked under one of ACE's hooves until Lightning tapped him on the shoulder.
"I'm sorry boss but that was all the screen time his mom would allow him to have."
Vice glared at Lightning but was more angry at the situation. He grabbed the control from his subordinate's hooves and keyed in the controls to move the sun himself.
"Celestial Grip Activated: control time plus three hours initiated. Commencing..."
Dan and the others looked in helpless horror as the Magic Gear responded. It lifted its head higher and pulled with its horn. The purple gear around the sun spun faster, silently rotating and pushing the star through the sky. Shadows on the ground bent in accordance with the sun's new position, nature and the measurement of time now dictated by a new master.
Twilight's mouth was agape, so were that of the other ponies and even Dan. Fluttershy covered her head with her hooves, Rainbow Dash hovered off the ground but they were all equally powerless to stop the maniacal manipulations of the mad stallion's Magic Gear. Within a few moments, the sun shuddered as it reached its new location and the purple gear slowed again.
"Time established. Awaiting further commands."
Vice Grip and Lightning smiled. The two practically high-fived; they couldn't have been more proud of themselves. "We did it! We did it!" they chanted merrily.
Magic Gear ACE wasn't really in a condition to celebrate. The purple spell gears around both the sun and ACE quickly dissipated while Vice and Lightning rejoiced. ACE lowered her head and her horn stopped glowing, unable to keep the spell up any longer.
Unbeknownst to many ponies, the magical power required to reposition bodies like the sun and the moon was quite intense. For a pony to do so, it required extensive magical knowledge, strength and skill to even attempt to move something like the sun. Even for Celestia and Luna, the daily task required a great deal of concentration and magic. It was honestly very physically taxing, even for them who had the burden of performing the ritual every day for the past thousand years.
"Hey... you notice something?" Chrys asked, pointing a hoof.
Twilight sighed. "How they just like Dan and we do? Yeah, I noticed," the princess's head lowered. "Was kind of trying not to."
"No," Chrys shook her head. She picked up Twilight's and pointed again. "The robot! Look!"
It took a moment to realize what had happened to ACE. The giant metal pony's features weren't immediately noticeable from up close but the robot seemed to be bobbing its head and flexing. No... it was panting.
"Haa... haa..." The coolant was causing moisture to condense around its head and neck, effectively sweating. The filly's massive chassis heaved and its air intake worked in overdrive. Moving the sun was something Vice understood scientifically but magic was about more than numbers. On pen and paper, Magic Gear ACE should've been fully capable of moving any celestial object with ease for a considerable amount of time with little effort. But actually moving the sun and the moon required a little bit more which ACE didn't have very much of.
"It's... it's tired," Twilight said. "It looks like it's exhausted."
"Maybe it needs new batteries," Pinkie said.
"Or Vice Grip the Science Dip didn't wind it up enough," Rainbow suggested.
"We've made a first today!" Vice Grip announced. "FIST is the first organization in Equestria to offer solar repositioning services for an affordable price! Farmers, solar farmers, sun bathers, ponies will line up for days to get a turn on Magic Gear! And we'll be able to decide how long days are!"
"The news is gonna spread like wildfire!" Lightning Claw hovered happily. "They're sure to put a Magic Gear in every city now! We'll finally be able to fully control the weather no matter what!"
Twilight's teeth were gritted but she didn't know what to say. What could she do? As a princess, a pony or whatever else she was?
"You've both done it now!" Dan suddenly shouted. "You disobeyed a princess! And her royal security advisor!"
Vice rose an eyebrow at the human's accusation. "Oh? And what law is it we've broken, captain? Since you know so much about our regulations." Both he and Lightning chuckled at Dan, laughing at the primate's predicament.
"This was a scientific demonstration. I'm sure Princess Twilight Sparkle can appreciate our efforts to learn from Princess Celestia," Vice said innocently. "I'm certain all the princesses will be more than lenient. After all, it is a holiday."
Twilight's cheeks burned. Her former professor had maneuvered all of them into a position where it was hard to do anything, even say anything. The situation was not in their favor.
Dan got down on Twilight's level, holding her by the shoulders. "Twilight, we can't let him get away with this. He's endangering all of Equestria!"
"I know..." Twilight said. "But he's right. There's no rule forbidding this and the princesses would overlook it... it's a holiday."
Chrys' eyes lit up. "It is! It's Hearth's Warming Eve!" The group turned to the hopping changeling.
"Yeah... he only moved the sun three hours," Dashie said. "Still plenty of daylight left."
"No, Vice said that this whole thing was a HOLIDAY demonstration!" Chrys exclaimed. "And as a security advisor, Dan has the authority to determine whether holiday displays violates safety regulations!"
"And I say your machine isn't up to code!" Dan declared. "You disobeyed direct instructions from me NOT to go through with your little show and jeopardized the safety of the whole world in the process!"
"Please," Vice Grip batted away the accusation. "I have express permission from Mayor Mare." Lightning Claw started sweating, despite the cold.
"Technically," Twilight interjected, "Dan's authority on issues of safety supersedes the mayor's when it comes to the safety of a princess."
Dan folded his arms, smiling at the lab coated stallion. The tables had turned once again.
Vice Grip's smile had vanished. "Um... I, uh..."
"So, Vice Grip, what do you have to say for yourself?" Chrys asked.
The genius professor thought but couldn't come up with anything other than. "Um... Merry Christmas?"
The group, now bolstered with confidence was about to give Vice the gift of judgment when a low rumble was heard. Not from Magic Gear, not from anything nearby.
"What? What's that noise?" Vice asked.
"THE GIFT EXCHANGE!" Pinkie shouted. "IT'S STARTED EARLY!!!"
From the southern part of town where the Ponyville residents had collected the gifts for Cloudsdale and Canterlot, cannon fire was heard. Low booms and thunder echoed as presents were launched from one city to the other. While not the most orthodox method of delivery, it was a Hearth's Warming tradition.
"Why would the gift exchange... oh," Twilight realized. "It's because YOU tampered with the sun! The whole town thinks the festival's now instead of in three hours!"
Vice shrugged. "What difference does it make? So, we've lost three hours. I can easily adjust it so we can regain the time we lost, no harm done."
Unfortunately, Magic Gear ACE had something else to say about that.
"Self-defense mode engaged."
"What?" Vice asked. He and Lightning turned around to see what the machine was doing. Despite having its power drained, the robot was beginning to deploy its various defensive weapons.
"Auto-cannons online, missile tracking system online."
"I knew it! I knew it!" Dan shouted, hopping up and down. "I knew that thing was gonna go crazy and try to destroy everything!"
"Calm down," Vice chastised. "It's programmed to obey my voice first, this will just take a moment," he turned back to the machine. "Command override! Disengage!"
"Ohhhhhhhh crap," Vice muttered. Another reason why there were multiple command interfaces was in the event the machine was able to determine one from the other. But of course, there was always the chance that they'd all get impaired at once.
From the sky, balloon, parasol and parachute guided gifts descended to Ponyville as part of Cloudsdale's gift exchange. Other presents began appearing magically at the doorsteps of houses from unicorns in Canterlot. And of course, cannons and catapults from both Ponyville and Canterlot continued a steady barrage of presents that landed packages throughout both towns with surprising accuracy.
Two panels on ACE's sides to reveal twin-barreled turrets. Another panel on the robot's back pulled back to reveal a massive drum that extended, and then the center pushed out once, twice, transforming into a colossal minigun within a larger minigun frame.
"What's it doing?" Chrys asked.
Dan put a convenient helmet on his head. "I believe it's going to exchange."
"Gifts?" Pinkie asked.
"Fire," Dan answered.
Inside the Magic Gear's head, its targeting systems identified the incoming presents descending from the sky and landing all around them. The robot turned around and aimed its own cannons skyward.
"She's targeting the presents!!" Lightning panicked.
"WHAT?!" the others yelled.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy rushed to the air. "We've gotta stop that thing!"
"Calm down!" Vice waved them back. "It's just a slight malfunction; everything is under control."
"That's what they always say!" Dan shouted in appalled rage, pointing at Vice with the steel finger of accusation. "That's what they all say! And then thing goes crazy and blows everything up!"
"Identifying inbound targets." More panels on ACE's back pulled back revealing the tips of missiles. Additional turrets and cannons deployed on the sides of her ears, top of her head and under her chin. As targeting relays corresponded with sensors, the guns took aim at the innocent parcels descending.
"That's NOT going to happen," Lightning Claw blocked Dan from Vice. "We're going to take care of this, everything will be-"
"TWILIGHT!" Dan grabbed her by the shoulders, "We're the only ones who can stop that thing! You've got to believe me, it's up to us to-"
"DAN!" Twilight grabbed him and shook back. "I believe you! Now how do we shut it down?!!"
Suddenly, Dan hugged her. His eyes were almost teary. "Thank you..." This had been the most times the human had ever shown or accepted physical affection in a single day and not just because it was a holiday.
"You're welcome, Dan," Twilight said back softly, patting him on the back. The two shared the moment despite the impending doom just a few feet away from them.
Dan was just genuinely happy his friend was listening to him. And as he realized this, he pulled away, still holding her shoulders.
"AND IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!"
Chrys tapped them on the shoulder. "Can we please do something about the terminator now before it shoots down all the flying free stuff?"
"Right!" Twilight announced. She ran up to Vice at the foot of the machine. "Professor, we're taking care of this ourselves."
"Twilight, I've got everything-" he tried to defend himself but she wouldn't let him.
"No Vice, your demonstration is over," she told him. She then turned to her friends still behind her. "We need to stop that robot from destroying all the presents before they get to Ponyville. Anypony got any ideas?"
Applejack, antlers still on, tugged at her harness. "Not much we can do still hooked up to this sleigh."
"Acquiring targets..." Magic Gear ACE, unlike her predecessor, was built to evaluate threats and could very easily focus on multiple targets at once. This made sure she didn't fall prey to being distracted by a single target like KNIGHT had. But still, missile lock did take a few precious seconds to acquire.
"If we can't stop the robot, we need a way to rescue the gifts!" Pinkie said.
"I have an idea," Dan declared.
The ponies turned to him. "What's that, Dan?"
From front of the sleigh, Dan grabbed the reigns. "HEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAH!" He whipped them down, sending an impulse into each mare through the cords that motioned them to break into a gallop and carry him through the street.
And the mares just stared back at him. Not being trained animals, impulse didn't work too well to motivate them unless it was their own. "What?"
Dan covered a disappointed glare with his hand. "Fly up to the presents, put them in the sled so the robot doesn't shoot them. Save Christmas."
"Ohhhhhh," they said in unison.
"Good idea, Dan!" Twilight called. "HEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAH!" She jerked forward, the rest of the group followed and the sleigh lurched and accelerated. Dan was pushed back to his seat with the sudden motion and soon the sled was racing through the street. Though he wasn't in control, he held onto the reigns so he wouldn't fall out while Spike and Fluffle Puff held onto him.
Vice and Lightning Claw had to dodge as the group flew past them and into the air. Both ponies behind Magic Gear ACE's back legs, they watched as the troop took to the sky.
"Okay, so..." Lightning said, watching the group, "how do we get ACE to stop?"
Vice fiddled with the broken remote in desperate frustration. He heard his friend's question but didn't respond, still hoping the controls would somehow magically start working again.
Lightning walked over to him. "Vice?"
His superior looked back up at him with a surly expression. Still, he didn't respond to his comrade but pulled a cell phone out of his lab coat pocket. He silently dialed a number and then held it up to his ear.
"Who are you calling?"
"Tech support," Vice said, voice a tad shaky.
Lightning deadpanned at the reply. "But... we built it. We... we made Magic Gear! Together! I WAS THERE! I SAW US DO IT! Doesn't that make us tech support?!"
"You see any tools around here?!" Vice asked. "It makes us responsible, it makes us liable and it makes us look bad! Also... I can't remember how to fix the controls."
Lightning facehooved hard. He opened his mouth to further question the confidence of their shared endeavor when Vice held up a metal hand to stop him.
"Hello? Yes, this is Vice Grip, FIST executive clearance authorization-"
Holiday music began to play through the phone. "We're sorry! Tech support is currently unavailable for Hearth's Warming Eve! We hope to get back to your request shortly! Thank you for choosing FIST."
Lip trembling, Vice pocketed his phone again. Lightning looked at his friend, noticing his extreme nervousness and then sharing it. "I... I may have given everypony the day off for Hearth's Warming Eve."
Lightning Claw gulped. "So... what does that mean for us?"
Vice gulped as well and in a frightened voice answered, "It-it means we're tech support."
"AAAAAAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!"
"AH!"
"AAAAH!"
"AH!"
"AAAAH!"
"THPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!"
"Will the three of you keep it down?!" Rainbow asked over her shoulder. Dan, Spike and Fluffle Puff clung onto the reigns, each other and the sleigh itself for dear life as the other ponies carried them through the sky. To help Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Chrys and Fluttershy fly, Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie had each been given a holiday-themed wing spell to remain airborne. Pinkie's included a set of balloons and right now, Dan was once again wishing he had a parachute.
"All right, we're coming up on the first group of presents!" Twilight announced. She and Rainbow were at either side of Chrys with the queen in the lead and the other mane 6 close behind them.
"Wait! Wait!" Dan shouted over the howling wind, "We've got nothing to secure the packages with back here!"
"Or ourselves for that matter!" Spike added. The tiny dragon dug his claws as deep as they'd go in Dan's shirt without them ripping it.
"You're gonna have to improvise!" Twilight called back. "You're good at that! You'll think of something!"
"In a matter of seconds?!"
"No, now!" The sleigh sped toward the first floating gift and Twilight's magic plucked it from the air. Using a simple levitation spell, she magically passed it to Rarity's sorceress grasp, who in turn passed it to Dan. The human frantically released his grip on the reigns to grab the present. Thinking quickly, he took the balloon it was tied to and rubbed it on Fluffle's fluff, creating a static cling and securing it fast to the furry companion.
"Ha! It actually worked!"
Fluffle Puff gave Dan a not-amused glare. On any other occasion, she would've been less inclined to accept near-disrespect of her fluff but it was a holiday. And they were kind of saving it.
Chrys guided the sleigh to more presents and aided Twilight in catching them. With all their efforts combined, they gathered the gifts before ACE had a chance to target them.
Back on the ground, ACE's guns swiveled and acquired new targets. Each time a gift was snatched up by Dan and crew, ACE was forced to aim its guns at another. Because it only vaguely identified the gifts as a targets and not a direct threat, its targeting system was slow to fire. And thankfully because it was programmed not to directly attack ponies, Dan and the others weren't classified as a threat.
Lighting and Vice watched the efforts of the others from the ground. "Well, at least it's not targeting Twilight," Lightning remarked.
ACE shook her head, frustrated. Every time she acquired a new target, it disappeared from her sensors. Like it had just vanished. They had to be going somewhere but where could they- oh! There they are! A large group of low-danger inbound threats clustered together appeared on her radar. Happily, ACE smiled and pointed her guns at Dan's sleigh.
"You were saying?!" Vice questioned his subordinate. The sheer amount of presents Dan and the others had rescued actually made them appear on Magic Gear ACE's sensors. Twilight and the others, because they were in such close proximity and interfering with the threats, were now classified as threats themselves. And therefore, targeted.
"Now it's gonna blast Dan AND the elements!" Lightning shouted.
"You just HAD to say something, didn't you?!" Vice continued to chastise.
"I've... I've gotta go warn them!" Lightning took off as fast as he could and bolted for Twilight and the sleigh.
"That's not gonna- YOU'LL END UP TARGETED YOURSELF, MORON!" Vice shouted but his friend was already gone.
"Target acquired, firing."
Vice's eyes went wide. The enormous gun barrels ringed on an inside ring of gun barrels began rotating, heating up as the rounds prepared to fire. They were aimed directly at the sleigh.
Super-accelerated shots pierced the clouds just beyond Dan, Lightning Claw and the others, narrowly missing the group by a fraction of a degree.
ACE raised a digital eyebrow. Missed? How could she miss? A quick diagnostic revealed that her main battery, the Galvanized Reciprocating Rotating Repeating Rapid Revolver(a redundant system if ever there was one) was in need of recalibration. She turned her head all the way around, possible only because she was a robot, to make a visual inspection of the weapon. And she found herself perplexed when she saw the cause.
Vice Grip was holding the cannon up from her back, altering its aim just slightly enough to miss its target. He strained himself under the weight of the weapon, holding it up using his augmented metal limbs.
"I am... YOUR CREATOR!!" Vice growled. "You will obey ME now!" He had to get through to it somehow, the voice recognition software, the control interface, SOMETHING had to work. This was the only way to save Dan, the others, Lightning Claw and his demonstration. It had to work.
ACE's red eyes glared back at him and narrowed to slits. "Request denied."
Before Vice could blink, Magic Gear ACE swiped him off her back with a hoof, careful not to damage the barrel of her gun over him. The giant leg struck Vice and brushed him off like a fly off the filly's back.
"Ungoooofff!" he landed in the snow, air knocked from his lungs. He tried stand but ACE was on him before he could even get out on two legs.
Being closer to her and hindering her objective, Vice had just reclassified himself as a direct threat. ACE moved in to neutralize him.
Vice raised his metal arms against the robot as it approached, doing anything he could to defend himself. To no avail.
"Target confirmed."
ACE brought a metal hoof down on its master like a hammer, it clanging off Vice's own steel limbs. Its hoof stopped, unable to crush the stallion. Raising an eyebrow again, ACE then saw Vice push her leg off himself, holding it up and standing. He pushed off the ground and ACE was repelled.
Vice panted. "Okay, the next version... I'm installing a clapper on." His own metal arms and legs enhanced his already considerable strength, enabling him to at least counter a smacking blow from Magic Gear. Like Dan, Vice was resilient and tenacious, allowing him to withstand a bit more than the average pony.
But ACE could do more than smack with her hooves. Narrowing her eyes again, she rose on her back legs. Vice backed away, now terrified of what was about to come, though, he wouldn't have enough time to contemplate it. ACE cocked back her right foreleg like a slingshot.
Vice's eyes went wide again before a piston-punching hoof slammed into him, pounding him into the ground. The machine followed it with three hard punches, smashing the stallion into the dirt. Sparks emitted from the metal gauntlets as they cracked and broke, digits becoming mangled and steel toes breaking. Vice himself heard something pop in his head before everything went black.
ACE chuckled to herself. "Target eliminated. And tech support down."
Loading... .......................... Beginning transmission>Forward Prosperity Command PTX-62 Unit MGE-725/ACE Unit Responding Current Status: Defensive Protocols Engaged[WARNING], Self-Defense Mode Engaged[WARNING] Current Objective: UNAVAILABLE[WARNING] .......................... Uplink to S5 Control Station established, network access currently unavailable Beginning System Diagnostic... .......................... Main Processing Systems: ONLINE Creative Processing Systems: ONLINE Communications Module: ONLINE Command Interface: ERROR[WARNING] O.A.T.E.S: ONLINE Primary Weapon Systems: ONLINE Secondary Weapon Systems: ONLINE Special Weapon Systems: OFFLINE[RECHARGING] Defensive Countermeasures: OFFLINE[N/A] Movement and Navigation Systems: ONLINE Utility Function Systems: ONLINE Ammunition Level: 100% Hull Integrity: 100% Hydraulics Level: 88% Coolant Level: 74% Main Generator: 80% Secondary Generator: 100% Power Regulation Systems: 96% Power Supply: 54%[RECHARGING] .......................... Unit Status: Self-Defense mode engaged, targeting parameters and threat evaluation expanded[WARNING] All inbounds currently registered as [HOSTILE], full force authorized to engage. Identified Targets(by classification): Queen Chrysalis(Abomination), Twilight Sparkle(Arcanist), Dan(Moron), The Audience(Bronies), The Author(Immature), Lawyer(Interloper) .......................... All targets considered hostile, proceeding with elimination. System engaging resource replenishment. Diagnostic complete. End transmission.
Lightning arced up through the clouds, racing towards Dan and the others and fast as he could. But something behind him was racing, too.
*zhew-zhew-zhew-zhew!!* Rounds cut through the sky just above Lightning Claw, then continued to just barely miss Dan and the others ahead of him.
Still gripping the reins, Dan turned around, searching for the source. "The frig?! They're shooting at US now!!"
"DAN!!" Lightning called, cupping his muzzle to shout. "ACE IS GUNNING FOR YOU NOW!!"
"OH REALLY?!" Dan yelled back. "THANKS FOR THE UPDATE, SPARKY! HADN'T NOTICED!!" His voice was just loud enough to carry the sarcasm over the wind.
"What did he say?" Twilight asked over her shoulder.
"Oh, nothing!" Dan responded. "Just that the robot's about to use us as skeet shooting practice, no big deal!"
Twilight stopped in midair and spun around. "They're shooting at us?!"
The abrupt motion prompted the others to stop but the sleigh, not so much. The moment the team halted, the sleigh, held up only by the reins and harness, was pulled down by its own weight, passengers and cargo.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Dan screamed, hanging onto the reins as they swung him down and into the now vertically-facing sled. He slammed against the polished vermillion wood finish, bouncing off it but not letting go. Spike was cushioned by Dan's own body, claws now digging into the left leg of his jeans.
Without the forward momentum to keep the sleigh aloft, it now dangled as the mares struggled to remain airborne.
"You guys all right?!" Rainbow asked, being the only one who's wings were strong enough to keep flapping without gritting her teeth. "Dan? Spike? Fluffy?"
"WE'RE FINE BUT NEXT TIME, I DEMAND A WING SPELL!!" Dan shouted. "OR A NEW JETPACK FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS!!"
"I'm okay!" Spike called.
Twilight and the others immediately felt their hearts skip a beat when they heard, or rather, didn't hear a distinctive and familiar "Thpppp", "Thbbbb" or "Phbbbbbb" afterward.
"FLUFFLE PUFF?!!" Chrys asked. No answer.
Spike glanced over his shoulder to see a pink ball covered in gifts rapidly descended. "SHE FELL OUT!! SHE FELL OUT!!"
The entire sled bucked as Twilight, Chrys and Rainbow pulled it around to search for her. They pulled it in a U-turn and dove, trying to get a better view of the ground. Passing clouds made searching the sky against the background of the surface nearly in possible but they did so, frantically.
"FLUFFLE PUFF!!" Twilight yelled.
More bullets sliced past them as they searched, piercing the clouds obscuring their view.
"Wait... if ACE was targeting us because of the presents... and the presents are stuck to Fluffle Puff..." Spike thought out loud.
"Those guns would rip her apart before she..." Chrys' voice cutoff. Their hearts sunk, bodies froze. None of them could do anything.
Dan pounded the sleigh with a balled fist. "WHY?! Why didn't we give her a wing spell?!! Why didn't we give her a parachute?"
"Why don't you turn around?" a familiar voice asked casually.
The group responded, spinning quickly around to see Lightning Claw flying up alongside Fluffle Puff.
"Fluffle Puff?!" Twilight asked. "But how is she-"
Fluffle flew by Twilight and the others to show off a pair of lightning-infused wings made of cloud. "THPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!" She zipped in a circle around the others in delight.
"Never too late to give a gift from the heart," Lightning said.
They were all astounded and relieved to see Fluffle flying. "How were you able to make her wings out of clouds?" Twilight asked.
He would've answered but Dan had a more pressing question to ask. "Can we discuss the finer points of a Christmas miracle when we're not in danger of FALLING?!! GET US BACK DOWN TO PONYVILLE!!"
They all answered him by making for a rapid descent for Ponyville.
"Wait a minute," Spike asked as they continued to street level, "we're flying back down now? Won't that make it easier for the robo-pony to shoot us?"
"It doesn't seem to be firing now," Lightning sitting next to Dan and Fluffle Puff. "Vice must've found a way to shut it off."
Dan looked over at him. "Who said you could sit next to me?" His new indigo copilot smiled sheepishly in response.
They broke through the cloud layer and landed on the street, slowing to a halt near where they took off before.
"Well, there's no sign of Doctor Strange Gloves or Mecha Ponzilla," Dan said. The streets were empty of everything but snow.
"Maybe they went for some hot cocoa?" Pinkie suggested, thinking about doing the same herself.
"Or double-As," Rainbow Dash added with a chuckle.
Lightning Claw examined the ground. "There's nothing to indicate ACE took off. If it flew, it would've melted at least some of the snow where it's jets lifted off. But there's no signs of ignition."
"No," Twilight agreed, "but there are hoofprints."
The others turned to her and the purple mare pointed in the direction of large, circular indentations in the snow.
"So, it's still in town. The question is: where?" Chrys said, tapping her chin.
"Ligh... Light-ning..." a weak voice murmured.
Still harnessed on the sleigh, the team approached a larger indentation in the snow by a house.
"URGH-AAAAAAAAAGH!!" the voice screamed in pain as the group swung by the house.
"It's Vice Grip!" Lightning said, recognizing it as his friend. "Boss! Where are you?"
"You... ran... over me you... idiots..." Vice said weakly. Lightning looked over the back edge of the sleigh, followed by the heads of Dan, Fluffle and Spike. They saw Vice Grip laying on his back in a patch of dirt surrounded by snow, as if something heavy had smashed him so far into the ground it caused the frost to part.
"Boss!!" Lightning immediately jumped out and rushed to his friend's side.
Vice didn't have the strength to move his head but he was able to see his would-be rescuers from the corner of his eye. He was in a great deal of pain; the taste of blood was present in his mouth and he was fairly certain the number or broken bones in his body outnumbered the ones still intact. And a sled had just ran right over his lower legs. Other than that though, he was fine.
Lightning was careful not to step on him as he knelt down by his friend. All four of the metallic attachments on his limbs were broken, seemingly crushed by whatever had smashed him. His hands sparked and the fingers were bent at twisted angles, the casings on his legs were cracked and leaking and his toes had been mangled beyond recognition. But his body didn't appear to be that damaged.
Vice Grip knew the reason for this, though he felt there were more important things to tell his colleague at the time. While Vice had been hit by Magic Gear ACE's full force, his robotic limbs had actually taken most of the impact. Though crushed, they prevented Vice from taking the blunt of the blow, resulting in only minor injuries to the scientist.
Dan walked up from behind. "Looks like Dr. Frankensteed met his monster. Oh well."
Twilight and the others approached and encircled them.
"Are you all right, Professor?" Twilight asked, her own voice concerned. Despite the damage he'd caused them, she was still the first among them who was willing to care about his well-being.
Vice smiled at her. It was one of the moments he really regretted that he was actively trying to destroy and remake everything she held so dear. "Been better, Twilight. Been better..."
"What happened? What did you do?"
He really hoped that when the time came, he'd be able to spare her. "What was necessary, Twilight. Just what was necessary."
"Where's the Magic Gear?" Twilight asked.
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "I'm sure it couldn't have gotten far."
"Well, what are you going to do about it?" Dan asked sternly. "Are we supposed to just wait until it runs out of power or do we call tech support now?"
Lightning leaned in to whisper to Vice. "Boss, we're not just going to leave it here... are we? We have to do something about ACE before it wrecks the town."
"We're going to do a lot, Lightning," Vice answered his associate, not whispering. "You've been taking the medication, right?"
"I... yes...," Lightning answered. He didn't understand the question and soon, he wouldn't remember the conversation.
"Good, good," Vice said. "Listen to me carefully-"
Lightning did lean in but once again, Vice didn't whisper. It wasn't like Dan or the others would understand the conditioning anyway. He spoke loud and clear enough for all of them to hear, especially Lightning Claw. "Command override code Vector-Gamma. Activate Red Charge protocol and return to base.
"I..." Lightning's mind went blank. "Yes, sir," he replied in a stoic tone. Standing up from Vice Grip, Lightning Claw rubbed both front hooves together. The motion quickly built static friction and electricity built up around his fetlocks. Sparks crackled around the edges of his hooves and blue lightning circled around them. Once the charge was high enough, Lightning knelt down and pressed both hooves against Vice Grip's chest.
"CLEAR!" Chrys yelled and the others backed away from the spectacle revival.
Vice Grip convulsed the moment Lightning's energy hit him. While it looked like the violent ali-pegasus was applying a defibrillator to him, he was actually infusing Vice with a bit of magic and energy to rejuvenate him. The lab coated stallion immediately jumped up, standing in almost a single motion as the action recharged him. He patted Lightning on the back with his now somewhat-more functional gauntlets.
The action did more than just revive Vice Grip; it stunned the rest of the group. Dan and the others were shocked to see Vice flattened into the snow one second and standing the next. Twilight was speechless at the display of magic. And Vice could tell.
"How... how did you do that?" Chrys asked.
Lightning stared blankly forward, still waiting for Vice Grip's next order. The scientist stallion smiled at the group, happy to have finally impressed them. At least one thing was obeying him. "Just a little bit more of FIST's magic, my friends. Oh, and one other thing,"
The others looked at him, expecting him to reveal more devastating consequences for them. And he didn't disappoint.
Vice couldn't help but smile at their exhausted expressions. Despite his delight, he continued. "Since the demonstration is a holiday performance and Dan's in charge of all of those... I'll leave you all to take care of it for us. Have fun!"
"You think you can just send in your wind-up toy and run away?!" Dan accused Vice.
The scientist tapped his chin, considering the analogy for a moment and then nodded. "Yes! Happy Hearth's Warming!" Before Dan could Dan and the others could pounce on him and restrain him, Vice snapped his fingers. A flash of lightning erupted from his companion, blinded the group momentarily. When they looked again, they both were gone.
Dan frowned. "Well... can't say I'm surprised."
Twilight looked at the scorched marks on the snow where the pair departed from. "This raises so many questions."
"Yeah, but I think the first one is still: where's the giant doomsday machine?" Chrys remarked.
"I hope one of us got a metal detector for Hearth's Warming," AJ said.
"Wait, no... look! I was right! It did go get cocoa!" Pinkie pointed behind them.
"Pinkie," Twilight turned to her friend, "giant robots don't run on..." she trailed off.
Behind them in the distance, Magic Gear ACE had located the town's water tower. The machine stood on its back legs, leaning on the tower like it was a water cooler in an office break room. She held cup in her right hoof and filled it from the water tower and knocked it back. The exhausted robot refilled the massive cup and drank again, replenishing her hydraulic and coolant supply via the town's own water supply, which thankfully had enough to spare. Finally, it noticed its primary targets staring at her. She shot a sharp, vertical 'sup' nod at the group.
"HEY!!" Dan shouted. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!!"
"What? I'm not allowed to take a break?"
The entire group deadpanned, Dan more so than the others.
"You're... you're taking a break?" Dan asked, dumbfounded. Disbelief quickly turned to rage, "I'll give you a break! I'll break off each one of your legs and shove them up your-"
"Uggh," the giant pony rolled its eyes. After one last drink, it crushed the container it had been using as a cup and threw it over her shoulder, tossing it into a large open-air recycling collection area. Just because you were a giant weapon of mass destruction didn't mean you were allowed to litter. She then returned to quadrupedal stance and made her way over to the group.
"Do I really have to explain this to you?" ACE asked. "Fine, I'll spell it out for you." The guns retracted on the machine and were quickly replaced by enormous speakers and amplifiers.
"What's it doing now?" Dan asked.
"I think it just replaced its cannons... with bass," Chrys remarked. "Here comes the song!"
The wheels are turning The world you know is changing Completely rearranging along new and different lines... twisting into a new design...
So, I'm here to tell you all The revolution starts today! You can either follow or get out of the way My friends, the future has arrriiiiiiived! Standing forty feet tall and mechaniiiiiiiiized!
Magic Gear, it's like nothing you've seen before! Finally here, My Little Pony Weapon of War Your magic of friendship is useless and there's no debating! With my Magic Gear! BECAUSE NOTHING BEATS ARMOR-PLATING!
[NOTHING BEATS ARMOR-PLATING]
"How does ninety millimeters of tungsten strike you?!"
[NOTHING BEATS ARMOR-PLATING]
Gears are grinding Our rulers, who have let our future rust Will be ground into dust! We will end their magical tyranny! Not through magic but the power of technology!
So it's time For all of the ponies to see! Strike back against the princesses and take back your liberty! Join me, my fellow ponies! Open up your eyyyyyyyyyyyyes!! Our future is here, 600 tons of steel and fully-weaponiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiizzzzzzzed!!!
Magic Gear! It's the Equestrian Revolution! Crystal clear, My Little Pony Final Solution! Fully-armed, fully-charged and totally devastating! Magic Gear! BECAUSE NOTHING BEATS ARMOR-PLATING!!
[NOTHING BEATS ARMOR-PLATING]
"There's nothing you can do that we aren't expecting. Haven't you heard, my little pony? Tank beats everything."
I will not surrender! I will not yield! Until their lies and oppression are revealed! For every drop of blood they've spilled, I will take back what was stolen from me and I will rebuild! Through rock and metal and time our legions riiiiiise!! Our dream, our world, our future will be realiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzeed!! ONE NATION BOUND IN STEEL AND SYNCRHONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZEDDD!!!
Magic Gear! The ultimate weapon to take their place! Striking fear, destroying everything until they're all erased! A vision of the future we're creating! MAGIC GEAR! BECAUSE NOTHING BEATS ARMOR-PLATING!!
[NOTHING BEATS ARMOR-PLATING]
Johnson knows what the ladies like... so there's no use complicating! MAGIC GEAR! BECAUSE LADIES LIKE ARMOR-PLATING!!
Lightning Claw: And we're working to improve the safety-rating! MAGIC GEAR! BECAUSE NOTHING BEATS ARMOR-PLATING!! MAGIC GEAR! BECAUSE NOTHING BEATS ARMOR-PLATING!!! BECAUSE NOTHING BEATS ARMOR-PLATING!!! ... Nothing beats armor-plating.
"Wonderful," Dan said flatly. "It has a karaoke mode. Now it's also the ultimate psychological weapon."
"Like we needed another reason to blow it up," Chrys added.
"I don't know if it was more threatening shooting at us or singing," Twilight commented. The entire group broke out into laughter a moment later at the unintentional joke.
"I dunno, I thought it was pretty catchy," a familiar voice said.
The others spun around to see Vinyl Scratch and Octavia on the roof of a nearby building.
"Vinyl?" Twilight asked.
"Hey guys!" the DJ mare, clad in winter apparel complete with fuzzy headphones, waved down at them.
"What are you guys doing on the roof?" Twilight asked.
"Seemed like a great time for a cameo!" Vinyl called back.
"It's kind of our tradition," Octavia said, blushing. "We're celebrating Hearth's Warming our own way."
Vinyl held up a violin and bow. "We're playing fiddles on the roof!"
"Uh huh," Dan said. "Well, we're dealing with another kind of 'public demonstration' down here so you guys might wanna take cover."
The pair looked at each other, considering it for a moment, then back to the others. "All righty, then! Muzzle tov, yo!"
"Nice girls," Chrys said. "I just hope they end up marrying the right stallions."
"Eh," Pinkie shrugged. "If you watch the whole thing, it doesn't really make a difference."
The giant metal pony facehooved in response to their conversation, creating a resonate clang in the process. "You're gonna make my targeting system reclassify you all as non-sentient."
"Nonsensy-what?" Applejack asked, wondering if she'd heard the word properly. To be fair though, Twilight and Chrys were the only ones who fully understood ACE's phrasing. The term 'non-sentient' was lost on most of the group but Rarity and Dan comprehended enough to know they were being insulted.
ACE tossed her metallic mane to one side. "Looks like further elaboration is required." The colossal filly sauntered through the streets, her massive white-chrome frame taking up most of the road as she swaggered her way over to the group. Dan and the others were once again stunned by the display but were more appalled than awestruck. Nose in the air, head to one side and in the prissiest fashion manageable for a forty-foot filly, she approached them with eyes shut in the highest and mightiest of expressions of snobbery. Prince Blueblood would've given his whole-hearted approval.
"Oh, what is this?!" Dan shouted sarcastically. "Is this the Grand Galloping Gala?! GET A MOVE ON!!"
"I don't think I'll be relinquishing my coat if she wants to avoid a spill," Rarity remarked. The comment was as close as the mare would ever get to a derogatory statement, despite the fact that the machine had insulted her itself.
"I'll give her a spill," Dan stated over his shoulder. "I'll spill her batteries out all over the street if she doesn't follow the other two genius dinguses back to the Crapple Store." The human also looked to Twilight during his declaration as a way of almost requesting to act against the threat. While he didn't usually ask for permission from others, with Twilight, he'd never have to.
Twilight gave him a firm node. "Take it down, Dan. We're right behind you."
He gave her one of his maniacal smiles that for once, she was happy to see. His sadistic nature was on their side and was about to be unleashed upon the machine in front of them. She smiled right back, encouraging him to indulge himself.
Dan turned back to face the menace, "All right, Mechwarrior-reject, time for you to get going back to the hardware store with the other two morons."
"Need I remind you, I still have a job to do," ACE said, dropping the upper-crust attitude and pointing her guns at the sleigh full of boxes that had been detached from Fluffle Puff.
The ponies immediately jumped to defend them with Twilight, Chrys and Rarity overlapping three shield spells over the sleigh while the others took up defensive positions. Pinkie Pie and Spike each rolled up snowballs in preparation to return fire.
Dan just stared back the cannons, unfazed. "So do I. And even with your wings and tracking systems, I don't think you'd be able to find those presents if Twilight just randomly teleported them somewhere."
The purple pony's ears perked up. "Dan, I can't teleport all of them that quickl-"
"SHHHHSHSHSHS!!" Dan whispered back through gritted teeth. "She doesn't know that."
Weighing her options, ACE tapped a hoof to her chin. She then pointed at the presents, then pointed at Dan.
"What?" the human asked. "None of those are from me! My present was more symbolic and-"
The robot shook her head. With narrowed eyes, she pointed a hoof at Dan, then back to herself. Then back at the presents again.
Dan followed the motion. "You're... you're our Secret Santa?" he guessed.
Twilight walked up to his side. "Dan, I think she's saying she wants you."
Twilight puts a hoof on her friend's chest, holding her back. "No, I mean, she wants to fight him."
"Oh," Chrys nodded in realization. "I... I see..."
The human's eyes lit up. "Oh?! Oh, she wants to go one-on-one? Dan Ex Machina Magica?" He turned to face the machine for confirmation and it nodded at him again, two red, digital eyes glowing at him.
Chrys shook her head. "I'm not comfortable with you going one-on-one with another mare."
The group turned to Chrys, questioning. "What do you mean 'another' mare?"
"Umm!" the queen turned red. "Umm... I mean, another Magic Gear! You already fought that first one alone and I think it's too dangerous to try to fight this one by yourself."
"Hmm," Dan rubbed his chin. "It was easier dodging those missiles than bullets..."
Magic Gear ACE responded. She pulled back on her back hooves, standing up. Her front legs out stretched and the massive minigun on her back ejected. It was followed by the other guns, turrets and lasers that all detached and fell to the ground. As a last act, she even detached her wings, which hit the ground with a massive thud before collapsing.
"Ah, she's evening the odds!" Dan said, actually impressed. "Let me guess... you remember what I did to your sister, don't you?"
The robot gave two eager nods. If its muzzle wasn't blank metal, she would've been smiling.
"Okay," Dan smirked. "So if you win, you get the gifts?" he asked.
ACE nodded in confirmation.
"What do I get if I win?" Dan asked. While his goal was for her to just buck off, he also was curious what she could offer. After all, it was the season for giving.
Magic Gear ACE thought for a moment, considering. She then came up with the perfect prize, the only thing she had left. With one hoof, she reached up and grabbed her own horn. Twisting to the left, she detached it from her own head and held it up before the group. The metal sides of the horn unfolded, blooming like some sort of deadly flower to reveal a glowing red cone in the center. Ribbons of red and purple energy, magic, or possibly both wrapped around it from the tip to the base while on the inside, glowing bright-red spheres floated like stars inside their own miniature universe.
FIST R-82 Tactical Zenfusion Arcane Weapon Sword Spell The Equestrian Equivalent to the Nuclear Bomb... and the Fallout Catalyst
"Th-that's the... th-the part that goes boom... right?" Fluttershy asked nervously. Her concern was mirrored by the entire group; indeed, they all knew what the glowing horn represented. The yellow Pegasus was just able to express it.
Dan opened his mouth to answer her when the machine answered for itself.
"The R-82 Sword Spell has an approximate yield of three megaarcs with an aura effect radius of eighteen lumiles from the epicenter," the robot said in a high, computerized and monotone female voice. "Anything within an immediate twelve lumiles of the blast will be vaporized instantly while the aura glow will reduce anything within a further six lumiles to microbial particles. Infusing overlapping forms of magic ensure that nothing will endure the blast. Residual glow will effect the area around the aura for months to come unless dispelled by tier-one arcane or other cleansing techniques, twisting the environment with projected hostile outcomes. So, yes... this is the part that goes boom."
Fluttershy lowered herself and recoiled to the back of the group, regretting having asked the question.
"How... how is it LEGAL to build something like that?!" Dan demanded. "How did Cloppenheimer get permission to build a magical nuclear bomb?!"
Twilight shook her head and shrugged. "If Princess Luna commissioned him, then-"
"GNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRR!!" Dan growled. There was always some kind of excuse or garbage reason. "So, if it's okay with a princess, you can build your own nuke. Good to know. Remind me to stop by the hardware store next week so we can pick up some PLUTONIUM! Prices on FISSILE MATERIAL should go down after the holidays!"
"You don't know anything about FIST's weapons projects," ACE informed them. "But you can. If you defeat me, my Sword is yours... to do with whatever you wish. The massive metal filly tossed her own horn in her right hoof like it was any other bauble. All eyes were on the Sword Spell as she casually flipped it like a ball they were about to play with. More than a few of them in the group swallowed hard, wondering what would happen if the robot actually dropped it.
"Let me get this straight," Dan said. "You want to fight me alone, without any of your weapons and gizmos. And if you win, you get to turn all Christmas-"
"Hearth's Warming," Pinkie corrected.
"-presents into confetti. And if I win, you're going to give us... your own atomic horn."
ACE nodded slowly. "Affirmative, primate. I will refrain from utilizing my advanced defense systems and in return, none of your friends shall interfere. To the victor... a very warm Hearth's Warming, indeed." Lifting up her other foreleg, she spun the Sword Spell like a top on its tip, intensifying the glow and creating a strobe-like effect. As its rotation stalled and it fill, she switched hooves and tossed it again, letting its simple presence weigh heavily on the group's minds.
Dan thought about the possibilities. Chrys and Twilight approached his sides.
"Dan, you don't have to do this alone," Twilight said. "She's just trying to goad you into a fight. We can take her down together."
"And I'm not comfortable with you taking on any other mares by yourself," Chrys added. "I mean, I'm not saying I'm not open to something like that but I at least want to be involved and even-"
"Mm-HEM," Twilight cleared her throat at Chrys.
"Umm... yeah, I mean, we can do it-this together, Dan. You don't have to go it alone."
"But if I do... think about it," Dan scratched his chin. "You think you can reverse engineer that S-word Spell if we can get it?"
Twilight looked at the spell, thinking. "I'm not sure. It's a magic-infused weapon, not a spell."
Chrys raised an eyebrow at the insidious device. "Didn't the science guy say it was part potion or something?"
Twilight shirked. "Maybe we could ask Zecora, then."
"All right," Dan raised his voice, stepping up to the Magic Gear. "You wanna settle this man-to-toaster, fine. How're we doing this?"
"Right here, right now, biped." ACE put the Sword Spell on the roof of a nearby building. She then dug the edge of her hoof into the ground and dragged it through the snow. Between her and Dan in the middle of the street, the Magic Gear drew a line. When she was done, she stepped back a few paces and then stretched the servos in her neck. "Get one of the arcanists to count to three. On three, you are free to engage."
"Three?" Chrys said. Technically, it was a question but ACE didn't see it that way.
"Leg drive motor charing."The robot charged, rushing towards Dan with the intent to simply trample over the small, pale biped. Dan and the others dodged any way they could, separating as ACE ran past them like a four-legged freight train.
"Great, Chrys, you started this early!" Dan shouted, standing after having dove into a convenient space between storefronts.
"I'm sorry! I've never done this before!" the changeling apologized. "Is there a safety word or something?"
"Oh yeah, I'm sure the killer robot is programmed to stop after I say uncle!"
"Not really what I meant..."
Dan didn't bother correcting her; he just dusted himself off, gripped the snow hard and walked back into the center of the street.
None of the other ponies were its target; ACE was focused solely on Dan because the primate had destroyed her sister. But the younger, production-model Magic Gear had calculated things accordingly. Heavy snowfall, residential houses, her metal body could tear through any structure in town and the weather hindered Dan's movement. None of the arcanists would assist him and he wouldn't let them due to his pride, she predicted. It was her ballgame.
ACE's tactical display tracked Dan as he walked back in the center of the street. His friends tried to join his side but he waved them down. She had to credit him with at least sticking to the rules, not that it would help him.
The Magic Gear pulled back on its back legs, pushing off with its left-front hoof. Her right hoof, she cocked back to deliver a quick slamming stomp. In one fell-swoop, she would avenge her prototype sister and end the primary threat to FIST's dominance over the complacent little princesses. Again, she almost smiled. "Target elimina-."
Before she could finish her sentence, a snowball struck her right in the face. "The buck-" Her optical sensors were momentarily blinded, despite the small size of the condensed water ballista and she was forced to bring her front hooves down just short of her target. Unfortunately, this was a bit closer than the calculations for her precise strike had planned, and the robot literally stumbled over its own legs.
Dan dove to the side again, narrowly missing as ACE crashed right in front of him.
The ground shook as ACE came crashing down. Loose snow was knocked from the overhanging roofs of the storefronts Twilight and the others had chosen to hide nearby.
"We should've got her to fight you away from the town!" Twilight said, concerned about the residential area.
"Are you kidding?!" Dan shouted back. "This is perfect! We have the home field advantage!"
"Yeah..." Spike looked away. "As long as we don't wind up fixing the house again."
ACE wiped her eyes clean of snow and carefully stood again. She was now regretting not keeping at least one of her laser turrets before engaging Dan.
Dan ran across the street, trying to get a better view of the robot before it recovered. While he knew the titan wouldn't have been damaged by the spill, he was at least hoping it would reveal some structural flaw he could use to his advantage. Unfortunately, there was none. ACE was not a prototype; she was built to have no weak points, nothing to exploit and streamlined for efficiency. She was designed to succeed where her sister failed.
The robot regained its footing and turned around. While it still had the desire to play fair, it did detect the arcanists hiding along with their sleigh in an alleyway off to the side. She kept that in mind for if Dan decided to try anything funny, ACE would have plenty of hostages to choose from. Maybe even be the first Magic Gear to take out an alicorn. Not a bad achievement, considering it was their goal.
She spotted Dan across the street, peering out at her from behind a building. Bringing her front hooves up, she stomped the ground hard. "Face me, coward!" Even from her distance, the shockwaves reached Dan and knocked him to the ground. Snow fell off the rooftop above him, covering him in a pile of powder. While he was momentarily incapacitated, ACE strode over to his position, intent on ending this quickly.
"Dan!" Twilight called, concerned about Dan more than anything else. "You have a plan, right?!"
Dan spat snow out of his mouth. "I always have a plan!" he shouted back. The robot walked over to him quickly during the exchange, towering over him. He looked up at it as ACE's eyes narrowed in on him.
"What's the plan?!"
The human watched as the robot brought up a single, metal hoof above his head. "TACTICAL RETREAT!!" Dan yelled. He scrambled forward as ACE stomped the snow that had only moments ago covered him, practically making the buildings at either side jump.
Dan darted out of the alleyway and down the street, breaking into a full run.
Rather than smashing through the two wooden structures at her side, ACE carefully backed herself up to pull out of the narrow space. While she didn't really care if she destroyed Ponyvile or not, she did consider it part of their agreement to keep it between her and Dan. For now. And this action bought Dan a few precious seconds to bolt down the street away from her but, she backed out just quick enough to catch the human running down the street.
There was no place Dan could hide behind and no building ACE wouldn't break through to get him. The alleyway trick and the snowball might've been good strategy but he was careful never to use the same tactic twice. He ran down the street, searching for anything that could give him an edge but there was nothing. At least, he had a little distance between himself and the robot as he ran back to Twilight's house.
CRANG!! ACE slammed into the ground in front of him, having used her legs to jump to his position.
Stunned, Dan quickly backed away as ACE stepped forward. It brought a single hoof down but rather than smash him, she brought it down slowly in front of him. The human braced against it, pushing back as she brought her leg forward. Like a wall bearing down upon him, it pushed him backward.
"My maker was correct about you; humans and arcanists are quite alike. You always rely on some form of deceit or subterfuge to achieve victory. When faced with superior opponents, you never rise to the occasion. Without a tactical advantage of some kind, your position falters. And you fail. You just can't win against somepony who is simply better than you."
"Better?!" Dan retorted, still pushing against the metal hoof against him.. "Bigger, maybe and definitely heavier but better? I don't think so." He pushed the hoof to the side, bracing his back against it, using everything he could to try and stop it from simply smashing him. ACE responded by changing direction and pushing him towards a convenient tree nearby.
"And this is why there was no risk in giving you my Sword Spell. Like the arcanists, you simply lack the will to use anything that is truly better, even if it means fighting fair."
"UNnngh!" Dan groaned against the hoof. "You call... beating up creatures smaller than you fair? Why don't you... pick on somepony your own size!"
ACE pushed him into the shadow of the tree. "That simply will not happen. You creatures will never allow magic or technology that's not bound by your archaic traditions to flourish. Arcanists will never let go of the past but FIST has a grip on the future. You rely too much on your little friends, your magic and your sneaky tactics to achieve victory. Using them and not progressive technology is why you will ultimately fail."
Dan gritted his teeth. Only feet from the bark of his home, he dove out of the way. ACE's hoof slipped forward and gently brushed the side of the tree, hitting a couple low-hanging leaves.
"There's something else you forgot I like using!" Dan announced.
ACE rolled her digital eyes. "And that is?"
As her hoof touched the tree, dozens of turrets, missile batteries, machine guns, fireworks emplacements, laser emplacements, railgun arrays, rocket launchers, grenade launchers, pistols tied together in a bunch, disc launchers, torpedo launchers, foam and rubber dart launchers and a super soaker squirt gun all deployed from every nook and cranny of the recently-renovated Golden Oakes library. And they all aimed at ACE.
ACE's eyes went wide as its optical sensors tried to identify the weapons currently aimed at it. But there were too many.
"SUPERIOR FIREPOWER!" Dan declared.
The robot swallowed. The guns fired.
For a brief moment, Equestria celebrated Hearth's Warming, Christmas and the United States' Independence Day all at the same time. Ponyvile shook and lights flared that could be seen from as far as Canterlot. Explosive ordnance, projectiles and destructive energy of almost every kind imaginable were unleashed by the 'modest' security system Dan installed on the library. While not every bullet, beam or bomb hit ACE, there were more than enough fired.
ACE was proud of herself. She was the production-model Magic Gear, the first in a line of nuclear-armed robots that would protect Equestria from any and all threats. Unlike KNIGHT/ROOK, she had no weaknesses, she was even more resistant to magic and weapons and her processors couldn't be tricked by conflicting orders. She was built to succeed where her sister failed.
"Criticalzzzzzzzzzsh! Critical damage sustained."
But, just as she had told Dan, there were some things that just came down to a test of strength. And her armor could not withstand Dan's superior firepower. The human's penchant for overkill had been something FIST had not considered, a fact ACE felt as every round punctured her defenses and tore her to shreds.
Blast after blast destroyed her armor, ripped through her subsystems and blew her to pieces. Smoke from the guns and from ACE's own hull filled the streets and began to rise like a cloud. Rounds pounded her, sundering the polished chrome and causing her systems to fail.
There was too much smoke for Dan to see what effect the weapons were having. He crouched down behind the tree itself, careful not to get hit by the crossfire. All the various defenses Dan had painstakingly put into place were finally being used. He didn't know if he was happier that they were actually working or that he finally got the drop on the toaster. Either way, he was smiling.
As the explosions and gunfire finally subsided, an alarm klaxon could finally be heard. When the smoke cleared, Dan saw the damage that all his incredibly expensive weapons had done.
"N-not... f-fair..." ACE's digital voice weakly muttered through static. To her credit, she was still standing, just barely. Her armor was more scorched black than white and pieces of it lay twisted and burnt on the ground. Large sections of her frame sported holes where burnt wires were exposed and precious fluid leaked. Bits of her machinery were near her hooves and smoke rose from her own internal heat. Lastly, her back-right leg had been shot off at the hip and what little armor remained on her chassis did nothing to cover her vital systems, which sparked in different places and were charred like a damaged terminator. Or gutted toaster. Her one, still-functioning red eye regarded Dan like a specter inside a ghostly steel skeletal battery. Even it was fading, struggling to remain online.
Before she could make one final attack, the defense system on the mailbox kicked in. A small, mechanical cuckoo clock-style man in a kilt with a bagpipe was deployed from the back of the postage container. It traveled the length of the metal mailbox with an angry, gritted-teeth expression and pulled out a small popgun from the golf bag on its back. The wind-up toy figurine fired a single, small dart at Magic Gear ACE and with a suction cup attached to one end.
The suction cup dart landed on ACE's forehead right between its eyes. She had time to look at and question what it was just before it exploded with the force of two and a half tons of TNT.
The blast blew back the library's leaves and limbs in a rush of explosive power but the tree was fortunately unharmed. Another cloud of smoke covered the area but only silence followed as it quickly dissipated. A triumphant Dan stepped out from behind the tree and walked over to his defeated opponent.
"You have anything else to say?! Come on! Where's your attitude now?!!"
When the smoke cleared, ACE was in pieces on the ground. Its body was unrecognizable save for the frame of its head. A single glowing eye flickered as Dan approached along with a still-attached hoof that twitched near the body. An alarm klaxon wailed and running lights flashed red as the machine lay broken.
"You're tough, I'll give you that," he approached to deliver a triumphant coup de grace. "But I think it's game over for yo-"
"List-en," ACE's voice muttered. There was no static this time and curiously, that fact made Dan stop in his tracks. ACE's voice sounded almost... alive.
"Listen..." With its left hoof, it tried to point at Dan or maybe something behind Dan. "Listen... to me."
More concerned now than confused, he stepped forward cautiously. "What is it?"
"Not... sorry. There are two... and she is not sorry."
Dan shook his head. "What do you mean? You're not sorry? Your sister isn't?"
"Not like us... she is of here. She watches you... and she is not sorry. There are two... and she is not sorry."
"Two what? You're not making any sense! WHO ISN'T SORRY?!!"
The machine's gears clicked and grinded, lifting its barely-functioning, ruined hoof to point at the ground. Its eye focused directly on Dan's, its voice becoming low and serious. "Two... Yours... and hers. She... she wants yours. Always has. Break everything... not sorry." Its light flickered out completely, half a metallic shunt covering its eye as ACE went permanently offline.
Dan would've pondered the machine's cryptic message longer if a strange whirring noise hadn't filled the air. He found out it was coming from ACE's frame just in time for him to jump out of the way as it began to glow brightly. Whether or not you knew anything about machines, glowing bright and high-pitched noise meant something bad was about to happen and so Dan ran for it, taking cover once again behind his tree house.
Rays of red-orange light peeked from the cracks in ACE's hull as what remained of its reactor began to meltdown. Different types of energy both magical and technological surged and collided, building to dangerously high levels that its broken systems could no longer contain. Sparks, flares and flames shot fourth from various parts of its ruined chassis as more light shown fourth from within. As the energy inside the Magic Gear reached its peak, it glowed like a second sun before exploding.
What was left of Magic Gear ACE was vaporized in an instant as the explosion threw bits of charred metal and snow into the air. Dan ducked behind the tree to avoid being pelted by bits as they rained through the leaves and branches, hitting the bark and bouncing harmlessly off. When the vibrant colors of smoke dissipated, only a crater and unrecognizable mechanical remains were left.
Twilight, Chrys and company, no longer pulling the sled behind them, came running up to see the aftermath of Dan's fight with Magic Gear ACE.
"Wow..." Applejack remarked. "Talk about your roasted chestnuts."
"Eh-ha-ha-ha-ha," Dan mockingly laughed. "Like no one saw that one coming."
"Dan!" Twilight and the others exclaimed, happy to see Dan was okay. They galloped to their singed champion as he walked out from behind the tree. "Dan, you're all right!"
"Of course I am!" Dan shouted, as if to dissolve any doubt that he'd be victorious. "You think I don't know how to take apart a renegade fax machine? Throw this pile of Decepticrap back on the scrap heap because there was some disassembly required," he boasted, hands on his hips and triumphant grin on his face.
The ponies and Spike gathered around the crater in the snow. Nothing was left of Magic Gear ACE but burnt metal. It didn't take them long to deduce how Dan pulled it off.
Rainbow Dash, hovering nearby gave Dan a congratulatory elbow nudge. "Nice trick, I'll have to remember that one. Of course, if some robot is chasing me, I'll have to make sure I slow down enough so it can track me."
"Heh," Dan chuckled. "Too bad it didn't want to race or I could've given you my shirt and let it think you were me."
"You lured it back to the house and then blew it up with the defense systems, didn't you?" Twilight asked, turning to Dan. "That was your plan the entire time, wasn't it?"
Dan's eyes shot open wide. "Oh yeah, I PLANNED to get chased through town by a giant George Foreman grill and then shoot in the face on the front lawn. Yeah, that's what I knew was gonna happen all along," he answered sarcastically. "Now, where's my bomb?"
"Umm, yeah, we should probably go get that before anypony sets it off by mistake," Pinkie said. Quizzical heads turned to her, as if already accusing her of something. "What?! Is something on my tail?"
Dan patted the confused mare as she examined herself. "Pinkie, I don't think we have to worry about anypony accidentally detonating a nuke around here."
"Why's that?" Pinkie asked, skeptical.
"Because you're here," Dan explained. The entire group laughed, Pinkie Pie included, though she didn't fully understand it. The group then departed for the rooftop where ACE had left its Sword Spell. Still glowing red, they were thankful it was undisturbed when they reached it.
"What're we going to do with it?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Do we happen to know if anypony wanted a giant lava lamp for Hearth's Warming?" Rarity asked. A few concerned glances were turned her way. "I mean, after we've removed the... exploding parts first, of course," she clarified.
"We're going to take it apart piece by piece somewhere safe," Dan declared. "Then, Twilight's going to find out how we can make a shield or something to protect us in case Dr. Eggmane and Wildberry show up again."
"You... you think I can actually do that, Dan?" Twilight asked, a little shocked at the vote of confidence.
"Of course you can!" he rubbed her mane. "You're better at magic then anypony! You could probably figure out all the spell-parts of the Sword Spell, Zecora can help us find out what the potions are made of and Trixie can show us how they work together and explode."
"Wow," Chrys said. "That's... actually a great idea, Dan."
"Except I believe we have a few ideas of our own," Vice Grip's voice said. The group stopped in the center of the roof, searching for where the voice came from. The scientist ascended from the other side of the store, hovering on jet-powered boots along with Lightning Claw beside him. The pair landed next to the Sword Spell while eating snow cones.
"See? I told you the three flavors made it worth it," Lightning said.
"Agreed," Vice said. "We'll have to add a snow cone machine to the winter models."
"Well, nice to have Geek Squad join us as we collect our prize. You guys come to gift-wrap it for us?" Dan asked.
"Should've known they'd never let us leave with one of their weapons," Chrys commented.
Although the others weren't that surprised, Twilight was. "Professor, you're all right? Where did you go?"
Vice had to smile. He would've been taken off guard by her kindness if it hadn't been something he was entirely counting on. "I'm fine, Twilight; my associate and I were just sampling some of Ponyville's confections while you took care of things… as I knew you would."
"That figures," Dan rolled his eyes. "You let loose your mechanical monster in town, let others take care of it and then swoop in at the last second and play the 'sacrifice in the name of science' card."
"Your machine nearly destroyed the town! Nearly flattened all of us!" Chrys shouted, pointing a hoof.
"Professor, what you did was really irresponsible," Twilight stepped forward. Even though she thought of Vice Grip as a mentor, this did not excuse his actions. "Your invention could've done a lot of damage to the town and you disobeyed… us when we told you not to go through with it. Even though you had prior approval from the mayor, you didn't have my-I mean, our approval."
"Appvoral?" Vice's smile disappeared. "Of course, I didn't have YOUR approval; that was my mistake. Any new development, any new innovation or process, anything new at all has to have YOUR approval, the approval of a PRINCESS before it can be used. Yes, I fully understand. I understand all too well." His tone was menacingly aggressive, the kind of rage that made each word seem like a threat.
"This isn't about her being a princess," Dan argued. "That thing was uncontrollable. A danger to everything around it."
Vice's smile came back. He looked up at Dan. "Like you?"
Lightning Claw chuckled, knowing that would get under Dan's skin.
"You can't help but notice the similarities, can't you Dan?" Vice grinned. "Look at what you've done without their 'approval'. Painted the whole town, altered each and every decoration, ruined the mayor's event schedule and for what? For customs you miss from back home? What happens when you don't get your way?"
Chrys put a hoof on the human's chest, defending him. "Dan doesn't put his friends in danger like your Magic Gizmos."
"Dan trusts us! And WE trust Dan," Twilight fired back. She and the other ponies assembled at his back, a show of unwavering devotion.
Dan beamed with pride at his friends' support. For once, having others stick up for him wasn't unfamiliar. And it felt good. "That's right! Unlike your metal monstrosities, my friends have faith in me! And together, we can crush your crazy contraptions and any other little haywire demonstrations you can cook up!"
"Is that so?" Vice asked in a mocking tone. He took several long strides forward, metal boots tromping the snow underneath. "You're saying you actually managed to take down ACE? How shocking. Well, it's fortunate you were here in PONYVILLE to handle things."
"Oh yeah, blasted your Gear with the security system right on the front lawn. Blew the whole thing to pieces and made one heck of a mess, fortunately, we can just turn on the sprinklers to wash what's left of it off," Dan boasted. The group laughed at his comment while the two standing across the roof from them looked less impressed. "How's THAT for a demonstration? I guess that pretty much wraps things up."
Vice's grin never faded. "Not quite," he informed them as he reached into his coat pocket. Lightning Claw sported a somewhat mischievous smile, already predicting what would come next.
The ponies, dragon and Dan braced themselves for the professor to pull out a ray gun or explosive up some sort. But instead, he simply held up a walkie talkie. Holding it to his muzzle, he pulled out the antenna and said, "Vice to all units, report in." He then held it up to the group for them to hear.
"Group-one reporting from Canterlot, sir. Magic Gear ARC deployed and fully operational."
"Group-two Cloudsdale checking in. Sir, Magic Gear AXE is online and ready. Enclave troops mobilized to secure target zones."
"Manehattan's Group-three responding. MGU AMP is rolling out and drawing a lot of attention, sir."
The group's jaws collectively dropped as they heard the broadcast. They stared in a mixture of awe and horror, reactions Vice couldn't have been happier to see. Each time the frequency cycled, a new voice reported in and their hopes sank a little further.
"This is Group-four in Appleloosa, sir. Encountering light resistance from local buffalo but ARO is taking care of things. Status is green."
"Group-five from Las Pegas checking in, sir. AIM unit is unloaded and proceeding to objective. We've uplinked to the grid and are receiving targeting information."
Suddenly, static as the radio switched. Vice frowned, and pulled the walkie talkie back to him.
"Group-six, what is your status, over?"
Static answered the stallion.
"Group-six Zebropolis, respond at once!" Vice ordered. Finally, a panicked voice broke through the static.
*kzzzzzt*"-ost all power! This is Flare Fang at the Zebra Unit! We've suffered a total systems failure! Controls not respond-"*krssshhht!*
"Flare Fang, report! What happened to your strike force commander? What's going on over there?!" Vice demanded. He just now noticed his captive audience looking more confused than scared. The demonstration was losing its effect. To complicate things, Lightning Claw walked over to him.
"My brother? Is something wrong?" the indigo stallion asked. While not technically related, Lightning did feel a sort of kinship to ponies who had undergone experimentation like he had, in this case, the fire breathing green earth pony, Flare Fang.
"That's what I'm trying to find out!" Vice whispered harshly.
"Sounds like your demonstration's come up short, Vice," Dan chuckled.
It earned him a glare from Vice but the status of his team was a bit more important than his ego, for the moment. Finally, the radio piped up again.
"Suffered a total-*kzzzzzt!* overload, main computer offline! This is sa*kzt*tage! It's the lawyer, sir! He's hacked our systems and-*krrrssht*"
Vice turned off the radio and quickly pocketed it, cursing for the third time the fact that ace attorney had gotten away from him.
Twilight stepped forward. "Phoenix?"
Vice turned to Lightning Claw. "Go. Handle it."
In a flash electricity, the enforcer pony vanished leaving just Vice Grip between Dan and a warhead. For a moment, it was silent as the two stood and stared each other down like entire worlds were between them.
"More technical difficulties?" Dan asked with a coy smile of his own. "Well, at least your customer service is 'lightning-fast'. Or is he going to have to stop and get batteries on the way first?
Vice opened his mouth to say something, then reached into his pocket and brought out the walkie talkie again. "Lightning?"
"Yeah?"
He pinched his eyes, trying to ignore Dan's gloating expression on him. "Fang reported a power failure so you… might have to pick up some batteries from the store."
"Oh, thanks. Should I get more of those snack packs you like with the rice crispy-"
Vice quickly switched off and pocketed the transceiver. He then turned back to Dan. "Setbacks are to be expected, my friends. That's exactly why we staged this one here in Ponyville."
"Wait…" Chrys said. "So that means the reason you showed up here-"
The scientist's sinister confidence returned. "The Magic Gear you destroyed here was a diversion, our ACE in the hole. In order to make sure you didn't interfere with the other demonstrations, we had to sacrifice the one here so you wouldn't suspect anything. ACE wanting to fight you on her own wasn't planned for but it hardly makes any difference now."
"I knew it! I knew this whole thing was a set up!" Dan literally hopped mad.
"Sure ya did," AJ commented.
Vice clasped his hands together, delighted the advantage was once again his. "Hahahaha, you humans are so predictable. As are the arcanists, Luna and Celestia." The remark caused most of the group to gasp.
"Vice Grip!" Twilight yelled angrily, "You don't talk that way about the princesses! You don't talk that way about my friends!"
"You and your pathetic friends are holding Equestria back!" Vice shouted back. "Your precious princesses have squandered our future long enough!"
"What the hay are you talking about?!" Rainbow asked. "Celestia and Luna are the rightful rulers of the kingdom! We work towards our future together!"
Vice waved his gauntlet to dismiss the idea. "No, no you don't, little stunt mare. Precious little Tia and Luna sit idly on their thrones, manipulating everything with their magic and molding society into whatever they choose. They force every pony to rely on their magic, something they can't control and can't understand and when something goes wrong, they shut themselves in their little castle and let your intrepid band handle it. And we just saw what happens when you can't make it: you fail. That was the real demonstration."
"So, what are you saying?!" Dan demanded. "You'd rather have giant robots protecting Equestria? When they've threatened to destroy the town twice already?!"
"Twice because you've stopped them!" Vice shouted in angry declaration. "YOU! All of you, NOT Celestia or Luna, just YOU! But not even Arcanist's Allies can be everywhere at once! All you do is rely on archaic magic or your own dumb luck to solve your problems!"
Twilight had finally had enough. "We use TEAMWORK! Because we believe that the magic of friendship can-"
"Oh, save it arcanist junior," Vice batted away her prattling. The entire group gasped. He had never actually insulted Twilight before, his former student from the School for Gifted Unicorns. Now, it was very clear that her former mentor had turned his back on her. "At least you have a proper understanding of science but you still place far too much faith in that sorceress garbage to make ever make a real difference."
Too stunned to speak, the purple mare turned her head away from Vice. But Dan strode right by her side and up to the confrontation. He pointed a finger right at him. "I get you have a problem with magic, pal," he said, voice pure venom. "But that doesn't mean you get to say-"
"Problem?!" Vice asked. "Problem?! No, no my neanderthal friend, I have a SOLUTION to magic. A way for us all to finally get that accursed arcanist spell-slinging scum out of Equestria once and for all! A way for us all to get a hold on the future!"
"You better get a hold on what you're saying, buddy!" Rainbow fought the urge to uppercut him.
Dan turned to Twilight and simply asked, "Can I arrest him now? Please?"
Before Twilight could answer, Vice laughed maniacally again. "Oh, you didn't think I'd tell you all this and just let you take me away, did you? I know my rights and there's no law against disrespecting the princess. Otherwise, that Gabby Gums article would've generated a lot more heat than it did.
"You've crossed the line, Grab Bag!" Dan pointed right at him. "I don't know whatever it is you're up to, but you're not gonna get away with it as long as I'm here!"
"Of course, I could never put any of my plans into motion with you around," Vice chuckled as he keyed two controls on his gauntlet. "Which is why I'm happy you chose to spend Hearth's Warming in Ponyville and not the Crystal Empire."
"The Crystal Empire?" Twilight repeated. "What are you talking about?"
Vice smiled one last time at his former student. "I'm sure you'll find out soon enough. Until next time."
"NOW YOU WAIT JUST A MINUTE!" Dan shouted. "You're not going anywhere! You put the whole town in danger, you insulted my friends and now you're flying away on a jetpack!"
Even as Dan said it, Vice Grip was already flying away in a jetpack, leaving them to watch him soar off into the distance. Dan would've cursed Vice Grip's name but he'd already done that with the holiday itself and he tried to limit himself to one per day.
Chrys and the others walked up from behind him. A collection of hooves patted the goateed man on the back as he frowned in a mixture of frustration and rage. He sighed heavily. "Well, at least we still have the Sword Spell."
"Umm…" Rainbow Dash said, hovering around the giant horn in question. "About that…" She touched her hoof to the edge and the entire shape fell over, revealing it was a cardboard cutout. On the back were the words scrawled in black ink:
Authentic Sword Spell Life-size Replica Available for $19.99 just in time for Hearth's Warming!
"I really hate those guys."
None of the group said much after they left the rooftop. Dan briskly walked at the front of the group, trying to keep ahead of the feeling of disappointment following him rather than his friends. Still, although his pace was moving forward, his mind kept drawing back to what had transpired between them and Vice Grip.
He was convinced they should've seen it coming, they all should have. Equestria wasn't supposed to be like Earth; it was supposed to be better, a second chance. But then how had this happened? Christmas, his holiday which he should've been able to easily incorporate into his life here had faced the same bureaucratic problems a new holiday would've had on Earth. Politicians, big business, incompetence had all three conspired to make things difficult for him here. Just as it would have on Earth.
That fact above all else made it uncomfortable for Dan. Furiously uncomfortable.
Hoofsteps behind him grew louder forcing his mind to rejoin his body's pace in the present.
"Hey Dan… you doing all right?" Chrys asked.
"I'm sorry all of this happened," Twilight said.
"It's not your fault," Dan said, keeping his eyes firmly down. "It was Bill Neigh and the purple spark plug that nearly blew up the town."
"Well, it's kind of my fault," Twilight's eyes lowered as well. "I hadn't seen Professor Vice Grip in so many years. He seems so changed but I didn't realize it at first. He was my friend and teacher a long time ago and I… it made it hard for me to see what he was doing was wrong."
Dan turned to Twilight. "The guy shows up with a giant robot that can destroy the town… and you don't see anything wrong with that?!"
"You did install a bunch of guns and stuff in our treehouse, Dan," Chrys countered.
"But MY security system SAVED the town!" Dan fired back.
Spike waved in front of the three. "Hey, maybe it's not what kind of gadgets we're using but who's using them that makes the difference?"
"I guess you're right," Dan said. "It's okay for me to use all the heavy firepower because at least I have half a brain."
"And good intentions," Twilight added with a smile.
The human shrugged. "Most of the time. Seriously, the sign says 'NO SOLICITORS' for a reason. Point is, I protected the town, saved every pony's presents, so our state-of-the-art security system is okay to have around."
"Speaking of presents, looks like they're still in the sleigh where we left them," Spike remarked. Practically over flowing with parcels and packages, the gifts and sleigh were still intact despite being jerked around and shot at. Dan ran up to it immediately.
"And it's not cardboard," he said, relieved. "Half-expected them to have taken all the gifts, too."
Chrys tapped the sleigh. "Well, looks like all the stuff is here. What are we going to do with all of it…?"
Just as she asked, ponies began walking towards them from the other end of the street. The entire population of the town suddenly appeared, a roar of constant chatter as the ponies approached. At the front of the herd was Mayor Mare.
"Well," she announced as she walked up to the group, "I have to say to you all…"
"You what?" Dan interrupted. He slid down the pile of presents to face the mayor upfront. "You know we screwed up Doc Cog's performance? You know we nearly wrecked the whole town? You know we practically ruined Hearth's Warming for all of Equestria?! Why not say it?! There's not anything you can possibly say to surprise me on this holly jolly holiday from-"
"I have to say, I enjoyed your decorations," Mayor Mare smiled.
Her words surprised Dan into silence. For a stunned moment, his mouth and mind worked to reboot and form words but they couldn't connect. He managed parts of syllables but nothing coherent. Finally, he managed a confused "Thank you…?"
"You're welcome," the mayor approached Dan. "Perhaps I was a bit strict with formality this year. I understand you weren't trying to cause any harm. I should've listened to you and considered your request but there was a lot I was dealing with. So for that, I'm sorry."
Again, Dan uttered the same quiet "Thank you…" as before, though this time with less confusion. "I'm happy you enjoyed the display, mayor. To make it clear, it is a CHRISTMAS display," he clarified. "And… I had some help from my friends." The group huddled around him in a hug.
"I understand," the mayor nodded. "As far as the presents are concerned, I think there is something we can do about them."
"Oh?" Chrys asked. "What would that be?"
Her answer came in the form of a queue that formed moments later. Every pony in Ponyville lined up to receive a gift from Dan's sleigh, handed out by Dan himself with help from Twilight and her friends. While Dan wasn't enthusiastic about manual labor, his friends' excitement more than made up for it.
"Next!" Dan shouted. He handed yet another of the countless parcels to the pony that approached him.
"Thanks. Happy Hearth's Warming, Dan," the small colt said before trotting off.
"Merry CHRISTMAS!" Dan corrected aggressively over his shoulder.
Like Christmas, Hearth's Warming also involved the giving of gifts but there was less emphasis on what was given. Because the gifts themselves were literally launched through the air, teleported or dropped, it was impossible to tell who sent what. They were presents to let ponies know that their neighbors, their family, all of Equestria cared about them and this was the one day a year that they showed it. They all did, regardless of what they received themselves. It was something they all shared.
"Next!"
"Aw, thanks guys! I really like your Hearth's Warming decorations, Dan."
"Those were CHRISTMAS decorations… and you're welcome."
"Happy Hearth's Warming!"
"CHRISTMAS!!… Next!!"
"Is this the line for the holiday raffle?"
And that's the way it was for the entire town. Every pony, entire families and friends, even the mayor herself received a gift direct from Dan that Hearth's Warming day. Twilight and the others helped pass them out, wishing each pony a happy Hearth's Warming before moving on. As the gift giving continued, they noticed something. Dan eventually stopped correcting the ponies that approached and before long, he was wishing them a happy Hearth's Warming as well.
At first, his friends didn't know what to think but then, they were happy to see it. As the last townspone received their gift, the group began walking home, exhausted but satisfied.
"That's one Hearth's Warming for the records," AJ remarked. None among them disagreed with her.
Pinkie's head sunk low for a moment. "Yeah… too bad we didn't get to shoot any gifts ourselves."
Chrys patted the pink pony's back. "Chin up, Pie girl. There's always next year."
Pinkie did perk up at that though, her mind undoubtedly already planning on something even grander for next time.
With Christmas/Hearth's Warming over, Dan strode home at the front of the group, alone with his thoughts again. But he was never really alone.
"Hey Dan," Twilight trotted up to him. "I noticed you saying Happy Hearth's Warming to the end there."
"Yeah?" he asked her, wondering what she meant by the question. "And?"
"Well," Twilight shyly added, "I hope you had a good time."
Dan nodded as he walked. The group approached the Golden Oakes Library, wreckage of ACE still in front of it. "I… did. It was nice doing some good for every pony. It was a good Christmas… and a good Hearth's Warming. And now, once we get home, I'm going to embrace another Christmas tradition."
"What's that?" Chrys asked.
"I'm going to make eggnog and then I'm going to put it in me until it starts coming out of me. I don't recommend being around me when that happens."
"Well there might be something else for you at home," Twilight said. "Because... I have a surprise for you."
"Oh?" he asked skeptically.
Twilight and the others rushed in front of him, cued by her motion. They assembled in front of the tree as if to take a family picture.
"There's just one home you forgot to decorate, Dan," Twilight said.
Dan knew what was coming next but he wasn't prepared for it. Then again, maybe he could enjoy a surprise just once.
"Merry Christmas, Dan!" With the stomp of a hoof, the Golden Oakes Library's leaves and branches changed. Ornaments, lights and decorations all appeared from every nook of the tree. Tinsel wrapped itself around the foundation and a star on top completed the display.
"What do you think, Dan?" Twilight asked. "Is this Christmas in Equestria?"
Dan couldn't speak again. He was stunned, moved by the display to the point that tears were in his eyes. But it wasn't the decorations; it was what his friends were displaying. And that meant more to him than any decoration.
"You… you guys," the human welled up. They saw Dan's emotion and gathered around him. "I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!" he burst out.
"We love you too, Dan!" they shouted back.
With tears in his eyes, Dan balled up his fist and shouted to the skies, "MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HEARTH'S WARMING TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!"
After that, Dan, ponies and Spike headed to the door, hearts warmed indeed. As they walked through the snow, Chrys moved to the back of the group next to Twilight.
She looked over her shoulder. "There's just one thing I'm wondering about," Chrys said.
"What's that?" Twilight asked.
"Well, how did Dan activate the security system against Magic Gear ACE? Didn't he say that the targeting watchamajiggies had to be in the computer first?"
Twilight gasped slightly. "You're right. The defense system had to have targeting parameters put in manually," she explained, recalling to when the turrets failed to activate when a hoard of zombies were assaulting the house.
"But then, how did he activate it?" Chrys asked.
Twilight thought. "Someone would've had to have input the specifications for Magic Gear into the system."
Chrys shook her head. "But who could've done that?"
"Maybe someone who had a copy of the schematics," a voice spoke from behind the door.
Dan and the others stopped as the front door to the tree house opened from the inside and out stepped a familiar face.
Twilight gasped. "Phoenix!"
Ace attorney Phoenix Wright smiled as he opened the door. "Hey Twilight, hey every pony," he said warmly. "It's so good to see you all agai-"
"NIIIIIIIXXXX!!" Rainbow Dash shouted. In a flash, the pegasus leapt at the second human and tackle-hugged him to the ground.
"Pheeny!!" Pinkie exclaimed, joining in.
"Mr. Phoenix!" Fluttershy added.
"Rainbow! I'm happy to see you, too and-" Before the lawyer could finish talking, the others followed Rainbow Dash in tackle-hugging him. In an instant, every pony glomped Phoenix Wright, including Chrys and Fluffle Puff who honestly glomped for the sake of glomping.
"Guys…! It's great to be back but… I can't breath!"
"Yeah, they do that," Dan remarked at the pony piling. For once, he realized, it wasn't happening to him. And as the realization came to him, he seemed to feel some kind of pang of regret that it wasn't him being smothered. He frowned, an unfamiliar feeling: jealously.
"Nix!!" Dash exclaimed, "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! When did you get back?!"
"Wazt monf," Phoenix answered, face being squished by loving hooves. (So much love… and pain.)
"C'mon guys, let's give him some air," Twilight said, herself releasing the lawyer. "It's so great to have you back, Phoenix!"
"I'm happy to be back, Twilight," Phoenix said, getting up. "I would've stopped by earlier but a few things got in the way. A few of them giant and metal."
"I know, we got your letter," Twilight replied. Before she continued, Dan cleared his throat, prompting her to introduce him. "Oh, and these are my new friends, Dan, Chrys and Fluffle Puff." In her defense, she was about to do just that but was a tad late.
"Hai~" the taller changepone waved. "I'm Chrys. I can turn into other creatures, I used to be a villainess and my color changes in warm and icy water!" The only other human she'd ever seen, Chrys found her eyes somewhat drawn to the slick-back haired lawyer in the doorway. He stood about at least a hand or two taller than Dan and unbeknownst to her was about the same height as Chris from Earth.
Fluffle Puff gave a short, fluffy curtsy. "Thbbb-thbbb-thb." I am Madame Lady-Madame Flufflington "Hot Wheels" Busey Von Pufflmanjensen the eleventieth-eth esquire. But you may call me by my stage name, Fluffle Puff.
"And I'm Dan," Dan said, brandishing a smile that quickly faded into his traditional 'why are you even' face. "So, you're the famous Phoenix Wright every pony's been talking about."
"Err, yep. That's me," the attorney replied, hand instinctively rubbing the back of his neck. He wasn't used to his reputation proceeding him, much like Twilight. "Defense attorney and… defense investigator a lot of times too, I guess."
"So I've heard," Dan said. "A friend of mine practiced law a long time ago; he chased ambulances and staked out hospitals and police stations just for the chance to defend someone in court. He was so dedicated."
"Yeah, it's… definitely a thrill," Phoenix said awkwardly. (Chasing ambulances? Who does this guy think I am? Not that there's anything wrong with checking in on the Hotti or the Hickfield Clinic occasionally but still.)
"So, when did you get here, Phoenix?" Twilight asked, voice full of excitement.
"Yeah, Nix, tell us all about it!"
Phoenix thought back to the events that brought him here. "Well, it's kind of a long story…"
"Great," Dan announced. He strode past Phoenix Wright, almost strong-arming past him into the house. "I'm going to go make some egg nog during the scene transition. You like the nog, Nicky?"
"Uhhh…"
"Good answer; more for me."
Phoenix slowly turned back to the others. "You've got some… interesting new friends, Twilight."
The purple mare rubbed the back of her own neck. "Yeah, that's one way of putting it. He's really nice, though."
"Once ya get past all the shouting and potential crimes against nature," Applejack added.
"I'm sure he is," Phoenix replied. (And I'm sure his ironic t-shirt is only meant to show people how funny he is.) "So, when did you all meet Twilight? Was it before or after we solved Ace Swift's-"
"HEY!" Dan shouted from inside the kitchen. "I said SCENE TRANSITION! Now, get inside! I'm rearming the security system!"
"That's probably a good idea," Twilight said. None of the others disagreed and so moved the discussion inside the library.
"SCENE TRANSITION!!"
Fine. Phoenix sat on the couch, surrounded by the others and explained to them what exactly he'd been doing in Equestria up until now. There, happy?
"Thank you!" Dan said to the narrator whilst mixing his egg nog. He was only half-paying attention to Phoenix's story in the other room. Despite having apparently saved the day, Dan still didn't fully trust the lawyer and whilst he didn't know it, he honestly felt just the smallest bit jealous of the attention HIS friends were giving this new arrival. He focused on his drinks, frowning a bit harsher than usual as he did so.
"…and that's when I heard about the Hearth's Warming demonstration."
"Wow," Twilight said. "So you were at the anniversary party?"
"I was," Phoenix nodded. "I just arrived when I'd heard you, Dan and Chrys had been arrested. I tried to secure your release but I arrived late, then I was ambushed by some kind of pony in a cloak."
"Pony in a cloak?" the others asked.
"Whoever they were, they referred to themselves only as 'The Director'."
The reunion lasted long into the night. Phoenix and the girls spent hours telling the stories of what had all happened since they last saw each other. While Dan's drinks didn't contain alcohol(the only cocktails he ever made were Molotovs), his focus was primarily on flipping through the t.v stations and less on socializing with the others.
"...then, we found out the forcefield shocky-thingy didn't even go all the way up! We could've just flown over it the entire time!" Chrys said through bouts of laughter.
As the others chuckled over the memory, Dan added a sarcastic laugh. Of course it was funny to all of them; they weren't the ones who got electrocuted.
"Sounds like quite a party," Phoenix remarked. "Sorry I missed it."
"It's all right, Phoenix," Twilight patted his knee. "Thank you for trying to get us out of the guard prison, though."
"Don't mention it. I would've gone to trial to get you guys out."
Twilight smiled. "I don't doubt that at all."
After a moment of heart-warming silence, Dan asked, "So, what are we gonna do about Vice Grip?"
Another silence followed as the group considered Dan's words. None of them really had an answer, even if some of them had ideas.
Chrys raised a hoof from her belly-laying position. "Do we even know what he is?"
Fluffle Puff sighed. "He's like you."
They all turned to Fluffle Puff. "Come again?!"
"You can talk?!" Dan asked, exasperated.
"She can talk, she's just… a little shy," Fluttershy explained.
"Oh, well THAT's convenient."
"Wait," Chrys asked, "You said 'he's like you'… did you mean me or Dan?"
Fluffle sighed again and looked away. "Both of you."
"How can you tell?" Dan asked.
She turned her fluffy head back to both of Chrys and Dan, her eyes beginning to tear.
Chrys gasped. "Is he a changeling?!"
Fluffle's expression immediately frowned. "No. I mean, he's just like both of you… on the inside."
Chrys walked over to Fluffle. "What do you mean?"
"He's carrying a thousand years' worth of pain."
"Oh…" Chrys had tried to comfort Fluffle, then found herself in need of comforting. Fluffle noticed this and patted her best friend.
"He's angry, he's driven and he's very much in pain. I don't know why but when I saw him, I could tell he was driven by severe pain, the kind that…"
"The kind that breaks you," Dan finished for her, his tone suddenly serious. "The kind of pain… that you just can't ignore. Like a fire you can't put out, can't run from. It just burns inside you and when you think it subsides, you can still feel the heat, the tendrils of the flames against your chest. All you can do is try to blow off the steam and smoke… even if it means everything around you must burn."
Twilight got up from the foot of the couch and began pacing. "Whatever's happened to him now, the professor used to be a friend of mine. Back at the School for Gifted Unicorns, he taught classes on almost everything: history, chemistry, physics, magical theory and I was one of his best students. I loved his lessons and we talked a lot after class."
Dan got up. "Did you guys ever just casually chat about taking over the world? Designing weapons of mass destruction, ending all life as we know it, destroying Equestria?"
"Oh sure, he probably had all sorts of notes and stuff about overthrowing the princesses in a school NAMED after one of them," Rainbow said.
"Maybe," Pinkie clutched both her cheeks as the idea came to her, "maybe he's been planning this for years! Maybe he KNEW Twilight was gonna be a princess all along and tricked her into being his friend so when he confronted her, he'd have the advantage!"
Again, the room was silent for a moment. Fluffle Puff uttered a punctual "Thppbb" but other than that, nothing. Dan pointed at Pinkie and asked Twilight, "Can I spray her with the hose when she does that?"
Phoenix rubbed his chin. "I think you're on the right track, Dan but I don't think Vice would be so blatant with Twilight."
Dan opened his mouth to speak, then stopped. He wasn't expecting support from the lawyer and again, found himself caught off guard. The others were a bit surprised as well, turning to Phoenix and waiting for an answer when Dan asked, "What do you mean?"
"I mean, he probably wouldn't have revealed any portion of his plans, especially not to a student unless he was planning on directly involving them. But he may have tried to recruit her or some of the other students at some point."
"Like how? Brochures? He had brochures, didn't he?" Dan asked.
"Not exactly," Phoenix stood. "But did he ever say anything or do anything that would seem suspicious now?" he asked Twilight.
She shook her head. "I don't think so. He always was kind of eccentric but… he was also inspirational at times, too. Some of us thought it was a little odd for an earth pony to be teaching at a school for unicorns but he was a good instructor."
"Did he always have those weird gloves? And the… metal feet things?"
"Yes, actually," Twilight said.
Dan almost face palmed. "You didn't think it was kind of weird Dr. No was teaching science class?"
"He always told us he just preferred doing things differently, that technology was his gift. He said that we all had the ability to make Equestria better and all we had to do was find out how. It's hard to believe he's doing this."
"I'm guessing his way of making Equestria better involves nuking the whole thing and starting over," Dan plainly stated. So blatant were his words that the others, even Phoenix shuddered at the idea.
The lawyer sighed and scratched his chin. "Whatever he's doing, it involves all of Equestria, not just the princesses. If he just wanted them out of the way, it's likely he would've destroyed Canterlot already."
"Phoenix!" Twilight yelled, appalled.
"Never!" Rarity and Rainbow Dash both declared. The entire group practically attacked the idea that Vice would destroy Equestria's capital or the princesses. The attorney practically jumped to dodge the accusation.
"What did I say?!"(Seriously, it's not like that's not an easy conclusion to jump to! I don't need to see his psych-locks to predict what a magic-hating scientist would want to do with a bomb!)
"They're a bit touchy when it comes to their princesses, Nicky," Dan said, patting the fellow biped on the back.
Chrys strode forward. "They have those Magic Gears set up all over the place now. We don't know how many there are or what he's planning on doing with them."
"We can sure as hay bet he ain't making popcorn with 'em," Applejack stated.
Dan refilled his egg nog one more time and then took a seat in his recliner. "Well, whatever he's planning, we'll take care of it eventually."
Twilight looked over her shoulder at him. "I hope we can."
"Of course we can!" several of her friends shouted optimistic praises but Twilight kept her eyes on Dan as he began flipping channels again, sipping his drink.
Dan took a swig from his drink as he got settled. "Yep, but for now, it's still Christmas."
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know ponies celebrated Christmas."
Twilight grabbed the attorney's arm with several of her friends quickly following suit. "Phoenix, you might want to be careful with that."
"Errr-uh, okay?" Phoenix said nervously.
Dan looked up from his chair with an angry, sarcastic smirk. "They didn't. Until today. I had to bring Christmas to Equestria, despite all the regulations nonsense in my way. And I did," he explained in his trademark passive-aggressive tone. He then noticed the others looking at him and added, "With help.*sip*"
Chrys rubbed her left leg with the other. "It's kind of a touchy subject after today."
"Touchy? Touchy?!" Dan got up. "I just fought for the right to celebrate a holiday in this place! I saved the town from a giant robot AGAIN and the thanks I get for it is the wonderful opportunity to pass out free stuff to the populace! AND NONE OF THEM EVEN KNEW ABOUT CHRISTMAS!!"
The ponies and Spike recoiled at Dan's fuming outrage but not Phoenix. "It seems like Christmas means a lot to you, Dan."
The other human's rage dissipated in almost an instant. His arms slunk at the mentioning of the truth. "Yeah, it does," he said almost wearily.
"If you don't mind me asking," Phoenix approached casually, "what makes Christmas so special to you?"
Dan sighed. "It's… complicated I guess."
Twilight and the others approached together as Phoenix continued his questioning. "How so?"
Dan looked up. "Are you some kind of therapist and an attorney?"
The taller human chuckled nervously at the thought. "Hehe, well uh, actually, you'd be surprised."
With another sigh/groan, Dan picked his head up and began pacing. "You may not notice this but I'm not the easiest guy to get along with sometimes."
"Sometimes? Did you say sometimes or all times?" Pinkie Pie asked. The others all slowly turned to her and gave her an expression of 'now was not the time.' And perhaps never.
After the awkward moment, Dan continued. "I know that I can be a little hard to get along with now and then. People tend to describe me as hostile. They throw terms around like "aggressive" or "obnoxious" or "clinically unstable and prone to violence," he made quotations with his hands for emphasis. "And it's like that every day, all year around. But when Christmas comes…" his tone suddenly changed to somber. He looked out the window as if seeing the past, present and future all at the same time.
"When Christmas comes, everybody… kinda acts like… me," Dan said. "Everyone has all these expectations of how things are supposed to go, they plan them out so carefully and no matter what, it never goes quite exactly as planed. People get frustrated, they yell at each other, yell at inanimate objects, yell at the world," he smiled. "It was so… wonderful to see. For once, people knew how I felt every day."
"Christmas made you feel like you were accepted," Phoenix said.
"Yeah," Dan admitted. "And no matter how horrible things were throughout the entire year, no matter how much they fought each other through the months up to winter, when Christmas day came, we all put our differences aside to just be together and have a good time. It was just so… heartwarming."
The ponies gathered around him and each put a comforting hoof on his shoulders and back. Phoenix, encouraged by the gesture, also patted Dan on the back briefly. He nervously recoiled his hand after the short motion but Dan barely even noticed. It was best to take things slow.
"But we do accept you, Dan," Twilight said, patting him as well.
"And not just for Christmas but all year long!" Chrys added happily. The others proclaimed their own agreements.
"I know…" Dan said. He turned back to them, tears in his eyes. "I just… wanted to celebrate Christmas here with you guys because…"
Tears formed in Twilight's eyes. "Because you we're your friends and you love us."
Dan nodded. "I know…" The collection of mares moved to hug him again so tightly it was as if the previous group hugs were high-fives by comparison. "You guys are my friends and I do love you!" he broke into a cry.
Phoenix hung back, unsure of what to do. "Well, uh… I'm happy that you guys are so… acceptant of one another…"
At the center of the pone hug, Dan's eyes opened and cast a fierce expression at the lawyer. "Get in here, Nixy!" he commanded.
The attorney did as he was told, embracing the and being embraced by the ponies.
"We love you too, Nix!" Rainbow exclaimed, messing up Phoenix's hair as she did so.
"I… I love you guys, too," Phoenix said, giving into the power of the hug.
"And Dan?"
Phoenix swallowed hard. "Uh-uh-um, well, I just met Dan-"
"No, it's Christmas," Dan declared. "You love everybody."
"O-okay," Phoenix nodded.
"Say it."
He swallowed again. "I-I love everybody…"
"Everypony," Dan corrected.
"Everypony…"
"No, say the whole thing."
"I love everypony!" (What have I gotten myself into?!)
"And we love you, too!" Satisfied, Dan released his grasp of the collection and the ponies and Spike followed suit. Phoenix slowly let loose himself to find Rainbow Dash still attached to him.
"It's great to have you back, Nix," the rainbow mare said. She then nuzzled her face on his tie.
"It's-it's great to be back," Phoenix said. (If she shows me any more affection, my suit is going to smell like Skittles.)
Rainbow nuzzled again. "Skittles aren't that strong scented, Nix."
"Well, sometimes they are, especially if they get kinda melted," Phoenix thought aloud. "Hey! How did you know I was thinking that?!"
"Same way I did, Pheeny!" Pinkie remarked as she passed by.
"Oh," Phoenix said, realizing. And then the second realization hit him a moment later. "Wait, that still doesn't make any sense!"
Twilight held onto Dan also as the others released. "I'm happy you feel so accepted here, Dan."
"Me too," Dan said, drying his eyes and smiling. "Thank you for sharing Christmas and Hearth's Warming with me."
"And we get to share it with Phoenix, too!" Chrys interjected.
"That's right!" Twilight exclaimed. "It's going to be so exciting having Phoenix back!"
"He'll make a great addition to the team!" Dan agreed. "And he'll be able to handle all the legal stuff while we take action! We're practically above the law!" The three hopped ecstatically, each one for different reasons. Dan because of the possibility of a human get-out-of-jail free card, Twilight because a friend of hers was back and Chrys because unknowingly she was attracted to male humans and part of her brain was happy to have more potential man candy around the house. She's over a thousand, has had a civilization's worth of kids(literally) and the most affection she's ever received was a kiss. Cut her some slack.
"So, where are you staying now that you're back in Ponyville, Phoenix?" Rarity asked.
"Well, I was staying with Vinyl and Octavia at their new music shop but the roof kind of got damaged during the fight with ACE…"
Twilight immediately turned to him. "Phoenix, you could stay with us!"
Dan's delighted smile turned to a frown. "Wait a minute…"
"Heh, gee, thanks Twilight," the lawyer said bashfully.
"Wait wait wait," Dan stopped. "Where is he gonna sleep?"
That night, Twilight and the others found accommodating Phoenix easier than his previous visit. Dan, however, did not.
"I hate you. I hate all of you," Dan muttered, staring up at the ceiling.
"Well, it could be worse," Phoenix said.
"How?" Dan asked.
Phoenix stretched, his legs hitting Dan's on the other side of their shared bed. "The bed could be pony-sized. It was last time I stayed with Twilight."
"Well," Dan shifted, "why don't I just go out and get a big, red ribbon so I have something nice to wrap it in when I start go give a buck?"
"Just saying," Phoenix commented.
Dan turned his head to Phoenix. "If we find another bed, WHEN we find another bed of ANY size, you're sleeping in it and not mine."
"Sure thing, Dan," Phoenix half-heartedly agreed, settling himself under the covers. "But until then, there's just one thing left to say."
"What's that?"
Phoenix smiled. "Merry Christmas. Would you mind scootching over?"
Dan reached his balled fists up to the ceiling and replied, "AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!"
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship…
"And in a startling decision today, the Crystal Council unanimously voted to make FIST founder Vice Grip official regent of the Crystal Empire."
"What did he just say?"
The countdown to crisis begins…
"They're taking over everything. If FIST controls the Crystal Empire, that means…"
"They control the fate of Equestria."
"And more."
"We have to get to my brother and Princess Cadence!"
But things are not so crystal clear...
"After the daring capture of King Sombra by FIST's Magic Gears, the entire empire has seen fit to honor Vice Grip as a hero, trusting his corporation with the protection of the Crystal Empire's future."
"My crystal ponies, your future could not be in better hands."
"OBJECTION!"
As FIST and Vice Grip move to seize the Crystal Empire, the only hope in restoring the kingdom lies with an old friend… and an older enemy.
"Wait, Phoenix! What are you guys doing?!"
"Look, all of this happened because they all think Vice Grip is some kind of hero, right?"
"What if he isn't?"
"Well, we KNOW he isn't, Nix but how do we prove it?"
"There's only one way we can."
Friendships will be tested, battle lines will be drawn and news will arrive that will threaten to shatter the Crystal Empire...
"You're not doing this. You seriously CAN'T be thinking of doing this!"
"It's what I swore to do, Dan."
"He's evil! He's a tyrant, he's a maniac, he's a slaver, he's-"
"He's not guilty and I'm going to prove it." "I'm going to defend King Sombra."
Episode 11: You Just Got Turned About! Dan Vs. An Ace Attorney! Next time, Phoenix Wright returns to the courtroom to solve a Crystal Imperial Catastrophe next Saturday on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"Mr. Wright! How good to see you again!"
"Ugh… hey judge…. swim anywhere nice lately?"
Only on FIMFiction.net.
Episode 11: You Just Got Turned About! Dan Vs. An Ace Attorney
Sebben & Sebben Law Offices One random Saturday morning
Harvey Birdman, attorney at law, sat at his desk and rubbed his temple. This had to be the toughest case of his entire career and his back was against the wall. He'd always been able to pull his clients out of the fire but what was he going to do now that HE was the one in need of help?
Finally, Harvey found the nerve to ask again. "Has he moved at all?"
Peanut checked the door to the adjacent room for the third time in the past half hour. The cacophony of digital sounds coming from beyond only amplified when he opened the door to visually inspect the room's occupant.
"Go 'way!" a loud voice answered. "If you're not room service, go 'way!!"
Peanut quickly closed the door. "He's still there," he answered through gritted teeth.
"It's been five days!" Birdgirl protested.
"I don't know how much more of this I can take!"
Birdgirl slammed her fist on the desk. "We must call the Super Friends!"
"To do what?!" Harvey yelled, grabbing Birdgirl by the face. "Don't you understand?! Don't any of you understand?! We're all alone! This is on US!" he shook her.
"What are we gonna do if Phil-"
Just then, the door to the hallway opened and a blonde man in a suit with an eyepatch stepped in. "Ha-ha, timing."
"Phil!" Harvey immediately dropped Birdgirl to the floor. "Phil, we've got to talk."
"Hold on, don't I usually come barging into your office saying I'm the one that needs to talk to you?" Phil asked.
The others stared at him, blank faces made all the more blank by the masks that obscured their eyes.
"Isn't that how this is supposed to work?"
Again, the others had no answer for him. Harvey walked closer, choosing to ignore the question.
"Phil, it's about your nephew."
"Frito! That's right- I just stopped by to see how he's acclimating to his new environment. I trust he's already made himself an invaluable part of the team."
"Oh, he's acclimated, all right!" Birdgirl shouted. "He's taken ove-" she stopped herself from yelling, then walked over to speak in a normal tone. "He's taken over half the office. He's been in there for five days just watching t.v."
Phil looked taken back. "Well, that's all part of his training! After the passed the bar at Costco, I told him to study all the greatest court room dramas to prepare himself for the legal work ahead."
The Birdmen's jaws collectively dropped. Peanut muttered a confused "Costco…?"
"You… you told him to train for a law practice by watching television?" Harvey asked.
"Of course I did! Let's go check on his progress," Phil lead the others to the door and opened it.
"Frito, it's your Uncle Phil Ken Sebben!"
"Go 'wa-oh, hey Uncle Phil," Frito said over his shoulder.
"You studying in there, Fri?"
"Uh huh," the greasy, pro-wear dressed attorney responded. "I have to defend this one guy who didn't pay his hospital bill in an hour so I've been watching the basics."
The Bird team peered through the crack in the doorway.
"He's not even watching a court show," Birdgirl said.
"No," Harvey scratched his chin. "He's watching cartoons!"
"That makes sense," Peanut commented.
"Shut up!" Frito yelled over his shoulder. Phil was unfazed by the outburst; clearly it hadn't been meant for him. "I've been waiting for this episode for like a year!"
"Fantastic, Frito!" Phil exclaimed. "What're you watching?"
"Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship," he said, turning up the volume.
Phil closed the doorway and turned back to his legal team. "Ha-ha, reference intros."
"All right… and, turned to the left," Dan directed through the door.
Phoenix Wright, standing on the front lawn of the Golden Oakes Library did as instructed.
"No, your other left."
Frowning, the lawyer rotated back the other way, holding his arms out so that the targeting system of Dan's security grid could identify him fully. Since returning to Equestria, Phoenix found that many new things had developed in his absence. Foremost in his mind being the massive array of weapons emplacements somehow contained within the tree house.
"Okay, now stand on one leg," Dan instructed.
"Is all this really necessary?" Phoenix asked, beginning to protest.
"It is if you don't want the minefield to trigger."
Swallowing hard, the lawyer looked down. The lawn somehow felt more dangerous than seconds earlier. "What?!"
"All right, just hold that pose for three… two.. one… aaaaaaaaaaaaaand…"
Phoenix felt sweat on the back of his neck. Balance somehow became a near impossible task as he attempted to not put his other foot back on the ground for fear that he'd be blown sky high.
"Got it!" Dan finally announced.
Phoenix exhaled sharply, staggering back to a standing position. "Is that it?"
The door to the tree house opened. "That should be it. Now the targeting system will both protect you from attack or the tree house from you if it recognizes you as a threat," Dan stated, smiling delightedly as he checked the readings from the security grid.
"Wonderful," Phoenix walked back inside. "It is also programmed to notify my next of kin when it blows me up?"
"Yes," Dan answered casually, still looking at the wall-mounted control panel. "It's for the safety of the library, Nicky. I'm not saying you're going to intentionally try to destroy the tree house but what if someone dressed up as you tried to make it to the front door? Now, we have a way to defend ourselves against impostors."
Phoenix looked down at himself, his blue suit and unique attire. "You really think some pony's going to impersonate me to get in here?"
Dan finally looked up, still grinning and patted the taller human on the shoulder. "It pays to be prepared, Nicky."
"Right…" (Prepared for armageddon in this case.)
The pair entered the living room to find Twilight, the Fluffmiester, Chrys and Spike sitting on or around the couch and watching t.v.
"Phoenix has been officially registered to the security system," Dan announced triumphantly.
"Hooray," Chrys and the others said distractedly.
Dan took their accolades as genuine and joined the others on the couch, satisfied. "I know you'll all be happy to hear that his updated security profile is the same as all other members of the household and above the level of guest," he turned a smile back to Phoenix as he sat.
"Uh, thanks," the lawyer said awkwardly.
"That's actually high praise, Phoenix," Chrys said.
"Yeah…" Spike folded his arms. "Took me a week to get him to stop recognizing me as a security risk."
Smile unbroken, Dan rubbed the purple dragon's head. "And you certainly earned that, private mailbox."
Spike gave a slight shake of discomfort but then resumed watching t.v.
Twilight got up and walked over to Phoenix. "Looks like you're part of the team again, Phoenix."
"Yeah," Phoenix agreed. "I have to admit, I appreciate the new accommodations."
She blushed. "Yeah, well… never knew when you might be coming back. And Dan helped with a lot of the new additions, too."
"Yeah…" he rubbed the back of his neck. "I can tell. They seem quite… efficient."
"It does seem like overkill sometimes but…" she looked back at Dan on the couch. "Dan's procedures have helped us out a few times."
Crystal Empire, Crystal Palace Royal Guest Wing, Conference Room A One week ago
Lightning Claw hadn't met many important ponies, even fewer from other countries in his life. He'd seen Princess Celestia and Luna a couple times, met Twilight Sparkle but he didn't really think much about authority figures. Lightning knew every creature was just trying to do what they thought was right, what was best for who they represented so any titles or royalties they made for themselves were largely irrelevant in his mind. Not that he didn't try to treat every pony with the utmost respect, just that he didn't treat beings differently because of the rank they held.
Naturally, this put him at odds with many in power. But Lightning Claw didn't care; he just did his own thing, other ponies did theirs and life went on. Which is why, when his current superior Vice Grip told him they would be meeting some very important individuals today, he responded to it the way he did when he usually had to sit in meetings: he played his Nintendo 3DS.
Naturally, this annoyed the crap out of Vice Grip.
"Do you have to have that out now?"
Lightning Claw's attention was solely focused on his game. "Yeah," he said, not even looking up at Vice standing beside him.
Undeterred, Vice turned to face him, trying to coax him to break his attention. "You know how important this is. You know how important it is to make a good first impression."
"Uh huh," Lightning said.
Vice pinched his brow. "So do you have to be playing that RIGHT NOW?!"
"Yes, actually," the broken-horned pegasus replied casually.
Vice visibly shook with frustration. Still, maintaining composure was important so he did his best to suppress his anger. "Why?"
Lightning finally looked up. "Because. I don't know how long this is going to last and it's likely I'm going to get bored. Meaning I'm going to be playing this at some point, meaning I'm going to have to get it out at some point."
Vice opened his mouth to say something when Lightning continued.
"So, would you like me to go in there, sit down, act like I'm paying attention and THEN pull out my 3DS later or go in with it, let them know I'm already not paying attention and not risk looking like an idiot later?"
The upright stallion closed his eyelids tightly, then nodded. "Okay… okay. I see your point." He actually had to give his colleague credit for at least thinking this through.
"Good," Lightning's head lowered, returning his focus to the game. "Because I'm trying to catch Deoxys right now and he is touuuuugh."
"Fantastic," Vice replied, focusing his own attention on the encounter ahead of them. He gripped the double doors to the conference room and pulled them open.
"Gentlecolts, so happy you could join us today." Forelegs outstretched, gauntlets simulating a welcoming gesture, Vice addressed the three occupants at the long conference table in front of them.
Lightning Claw continued past his associate into the board room and took a seat at the far end, away from the other three individuals without so much as a word. Their eyes watched him, not that he noticed though Vice Grip did.
Vice swallowed. Despite the large space of the conference room, the presence of his three guests almost filled it completely. He'd taken great risk to contact each of them and bring them here, now it was only the matter of impressing them. But for the moment after his introduction, there was nothing but silence as the three regarded his associate.
He was almost stunned as slowly their attention turned from Lightning Claw to him. They sat equally spaced on between each other, two on one side and one on the other, a miniature representation of the boundary lines that separated them. Alone, they each were powerful members of their respective nations, leaders of races and well-respected among their own kind. But today, like him, they were guests of the Crystal Empire and its parent nation, Equestria. Like him, it was something that caused slight chaffing.
The one who sat furthest to the back sipped a glass of water that had been provided for him. "I must admit, the hospitality is most appreciated," the griffon remarked with a smile. He examined the goblet, still grinning as if appraising the item.
Vice smiled, relieved that someone had broken the ice. Sky Marshal Gust Grasp demonstrated a bit of his race's trademark roguishness, despite his outward appearance. His reddish-brown body feathers were maintained for precise maneuvering, protection and temperature management while on the ground or in flight. This was complemented by the military jacket he wore, decorated with various medals, commendations and the official rank of Sky Marshal within the Griffon Kingdom's royal armed forces but he wore it open like a cloak, keeping it on him with his wings so his talons would be free to manipulate. And, perhaps steal.
Griffons as a race were well-known for their mercenary-like qualities throughout Equestria. They were often found as thieves, bandits or raiders in other countries, forming bands. On the seas, they had even been pirates before more civilized nations like Equestria and the Zebra Nation had pacified them. Reluctantly, many griffons had settled down to the pillars in far north-eastern Equestria, a route naturally protected by the Dragon Domain's official migration paths, established by treaty. Still, many of them were rogues and treasure hunters and Vice had no doubt at least a little bit of the Sky Marshal's appearance had been manufactured.
"Of course," Vice said. "FIST is very happy to provide for its allies. We appreciate each of you coming out here today."
Gust turned to Vice, still grinning. "I'm sure you do."
"You have… "provided" for us, Vice Grip," the zebra closest to Vice said, raising and examining his own goblet. "I cannot help but wonder why."
The scientist stallion attempted a lighthearted chuckle. Instead, his voice nearly cracked. "Hu-em, whatever do you mean?"
The zebra slammed it down and turned a steely gaze to Vice Grip. "You've gifted us, your nation's rivals with weapons, knowledge, supplies. You would not be doing this if you did not expect something of equal or greater value in return."
Vice did his best not to flinch as the zebra stared him down. General Zen Zeal's expression was both hot and cold, rage and contempt worn on the same incredibly judgmental expression. His short-cropped black-and-white was sharp and curved, ending in jagged angles that made it look like a saw blade he could use as a weapon. Unlike Gust Grasp, Zen radiated disdain and made no attempt to hide it. Vice had a feeling that if he didn't cut to the chase, Zen would.
Unlike Equestria, the Zebra Nation had not disbanded the bulk of its armed forces after the Great Exodus. Owning claim to most of the territory north of Equestria past the bordering mountains, the zebras had worked hard to carve out an empire of their own and tame the land for themselves. Zebropolis, their capital, rose out of the waters of Peaceful Lake like a pyramid of gold rising from the oceans, the tallest buildings overlooking the waterfalls. Its decadence and luxury had largely been brought on by conquest, a fact that the zebras were not ashamed of.
General Zen Zeal was a name heard by many in the upper echelons of government. Known as 'The Unstoppable General', he had never been defeated in combat, nor even slowed down. Throughout his military career, the general had pacified uprisings, dealt with pirates, waged war with dragons, serpents and beasts for territory bringing the zebras great wealth, power and respect, not to mention himself. Most famous for his defeat of the supposedly unpredictable Vizier Vex Ibex in the Zenith Wars, General Zen Zeal was nothing short of a living legend revered and feared by many. Rumor had it though that he was currently at odds with the Zebra Nation's ruling house, a battle that he finally found he could not win.
The Unstoppable General had been stopped by politics.
"Gentlecolts," Vice began, "the reason I and my corporation have been so generous is simple: we want you to use our gifts."
Gust burst out in laughter at the thought. General Zeal raised an eyebrow, almost in disgust while the third occupant finally turned his eyes to Vice Grip.
"You want us to use these weapons?" Gust asked, chuckling. "Against who? Each other?"
For the first time, the general turned his gaze to the sky marshal, as if the question had been a challenge.
The griffon continued. "You told me… and I presume, you told us, over the phone that you were wanting to give every nation the same opportunity as Equestria. The opportunity for what though, to blow each other off the face of the planet?"
General Zeal slowly turned back to Vice Grip. "I find it odd that you're not more loyal to your brethren."
"That's a good point," Gust agreed, taking a swig from his glass.
"Is loyalty not one of the virtues your kind prizes? Or is this more deception?"
Vice Grip finally approached his accusers. Even Lightning Claw had finally taken an interest, looking up from his game while still playing it. This was the moment Vice was waiting for. He gripped the back of the chair in front of him with both gauntlets.
"My loyalty is to Equestria as a whole. Not just my fellow ponies. As you know, I and my corporation, FIST, were contracted to develop a defense system by Princess Luna. What you don't know is why," he said. Slowly, he watched their accusing expressions give way to curiosity. This was what he needed; he released the chair and began a casual pace.
"I know for a fact that each of you is aware of Equestria's current extra-terrestrial guests," Vice said, taking a leisurely walk to the side of the table. The most important bits of information he had to convey with a sense of unimportance to temper any further accusations. If they knew he had something they wanted, they'd be a bit more… acceptable.
"You refer to the humans," the third guest finally spoke, a cool voice that seemed to flow through the air. He'd been so silent the others had almost forgotten he was there, despite the fact he was by far the most bizarre and rare individual among them, perhaps among Equestria at the moment.
They all turned to him but he didn't meet their gaze for a full moment after he'd spoken. "The aliens from the the other world," he said.
"That is correct," Vice said, agreeing. "It may not be a secret we're hiding… but we aren't exactly advertising it either."
The third guest held Vice's hospitality. "There is not much you can hide from us… whether you advertise it or not," he said.
Vice swallowed again. If Sky Marshal Gust Grasp was a rumor and General Zen Zeal was a legend, that had to make sea pony Admiral Sonar Scope a myth made real. Sea ponies themselves were only heard about in stories and tales throughout Equestria: a race of soldiers that conquered the oceans. Very few who dwelled on the surface or in the skies even knew of their existence for certain and even fewer had ever met one in real life. Some of the other races were reclusive, distrust worthy of foreigners and even borderline xenophobic but none were more hostile to outsiders than the sea ponies.
Many had speculated that ponies would be the first to make contact with their sea-based cousins but in fact, the opposite was true. Sea ponies explored and subdued all that lay below while their surface brethren were content to peacefully settle locations on land rather than ruthlessly conquer. The first sea ponies developed reverse-diving suits, armored apparatuses filled with sea water and equipped with mechanical legs and hooves not unlike Vice's gauntlets to help them walk on land. As if to crudely parallel evolution on Earth, the sea ponies built for themselves legs with which to walk on land and explore the surface.
Of all of Equestria's neighbors, the sea ponies were by far the most hostile. When they met early ponies on the surface, whatever peace existed in the meeting of the two races was short-lived. Ideological differences soon led to conflict, with young Equestria unable to grasp the concept of war so shortly after the 2nd Changeling Invasion.
Sea ponies like Admiral Scope believed in the concept of control above all else. The sea was something that rapidly changed, surviving meant adapting and dominating the environment and the sea ponies were not afraid to do so at the expense of others. When the sea ponies discovered that Equestria had a more loose grasp on the surface, they moved to establish a firmer control on resources. Because all life on land was effected by the sea and vice versa, the sea ponies believed themselves justified in controlling nearly all sources of water. Disputes involving resource allocation, weather and pollution quickly escalated into full-scale war. The sea ponies invaded the surface, intent on dominating land, sea and sky.
The fledgling nation of Equestria could do nothing to stand against the tide of warriors rising from the depths to claim the surface. The ponies retreated, fleeing further into their own borders as the wave of sea ponies swallowed up city after city. The other nations, many still nomadic tribes and/or unorganized fled as well before the onslaught. The sea ponies advanced against all that walked or flew, like a flood, covering the land until barely a hoofful of cities remained dry. It seemed nothing could stop their conquest. Until Equestria itself came to the ponies' defense.
Over-extension had not been a problem; the sea in Equestria, like Earth, covered most of the planet. The sea ponies had more than enough numbers to effectively subjugate and control the land. Neither were resources a problem; using their technology, they were able to treat fresh water sources, acquire food and resupply their armies on land. The sea ponies were truly masters at adapting and had prepared for anything they might encounter on the surface. But there are some things that simply cannot be prepared for.
At the height of the Sea Pony Siege, as Equestria's borders shrank so that even the Everfree was not under their control, a cold wind began to blow. The harshest winter Equestria had seen since the first Hearth's Warming Eve mere decades earlier. It froze lakes and streams, caused snow to fall instead of precious rain. While ponies on the surface were able to endure, the conquering sea ponies soon found themselves ill-equipped to face the cruel winter.
Initially, it had been something the sea ponies had prepared for. The invasion had gone on for two years and they had seen Equestria's winter before that. They treated their own water so it would not freeze and adapted to the weather just as they had before. The sea ponies expected spring to come to relieve them so they could finish their total conquest of the world.
But it didn't come. Without the pegasi to wrap up the winter… winter continued. Clouds continued snowing with Wendigos feeding on the conflict they created, causing it to grow colder and colder. Too late did the sea ponies realize the dire nature of their situation, a mistake that would cost them greatly. They tried many solutions to thaw their water supplies, to no avail. The sea pony armies soon fell into a desperate retreat to the oceans where the warmer waters stood as their only chance at survival.
Only Admiral Sonar Scope's ancestor, Princess-Admiral Pearl Scope would make it back to Canterlantis. An army of nearly one-hundred-and-fifty million sea ponies froze in place north of the Crystal Empire, freezing just before they made it to the shore. A glacier soon rose to cover the valley making any attempt at recovery of the army impossible. To this day, the cold warriors of the sea remain buried under millennia of ice and snow, a grim reminder of those who would challenge nature.
"I… would not doubt that," Vice choice his words carefully. "I'm aware that each of your nations have taken a great interest in Equestria's alien guests. This interest has not gone unnoticed by the princesses."
"Naturally," the griffon remarked with another callus smirk. "We all know we're keeping tabs on each other. 'Tis what allies do, after all."
"What exactly are you getting at, Vice Grip?" Zen Zeal asked. "You show us all of your little toys, invite us down here, tell us you want to be friends, what for? What do you get all of this? What do you want from us?"
Vice waved away the question, as if the notion of anything but his modesty was a joke. "What I want is a future for Equestria. A future where every pony- err, every being has the opportunity to flourish with or without magic."
"And who is going to be in charge of this… future Equestria?" Admiral Scope asked.
"Obviously not the princesses," Marshal Gust stated. He leaned back in his chair, like the conversation of toppling governments was casual to him. "When I first got your call, saw your gadgets, I was thinking "coup" but now you're making all these convoluted speeches like… uhh, like…"
"Like he actually does want a better future for Equestria?" Lightning suggested, looking up from his game.
The others looked at each other, then exploded into laughter. Vice nodded at Lightning across the table, happy he had at least tried.
"No, but seriously, what's the deal with the machines?" Gust asked, finally regaining his composure. "You're giving them to every nation, every pony like they're going out of style. Pretty soon, every city in Equestria is going to have its own Magic Gear."
"Yes, but after the stunt in Canterlot, the princesses rescinded the contract with FIST," Lightning explained. "They canceled their order… and so did the donkeys."
Vice sneered at the mentioning of the Republic of Donquestria, the nation to the south. The donkeys had more than twice the industrial capacity of Equestria but little to no magic, something Vice had attempted to use to his advantage. The Republic suffered from frequent uprisings, even successful revolutions, leading to most of its military being a police force. Because the majority of its armed forces were interior-based, it made donkeys like Security Chief Dire Drive effectively the leaders of the army.
Many donkeys were concerned with security so Vice had attempted to gift them with a security system early on. Unfortunately(for Vice), Dan's destruction of said system on the train ride to Canterlot caused Dire Drive to withdraw support from FIST. Because of this, Vice had been forced to use his own production facilities at Prosperity Mountain to develop the Magic Gears. This effectively delayed their production an entire month, and prevented them from being deployed along Equestria's southern border.
Unknowingly, Dan had stalled the doomsday clock and in one particular possible future, prevented the destruction of Phillydelphia. With the donkeys refusing to support FIST, the possibility of them attacking rival industrialized cities no longer existed. The future was just a little brighter because of Dan.
"So, how are you still getting permission to build them?" General Zeal asked.
Vice shrugged. "Princess Luna asked me to build the perfect defense system for Equestria. She never said it could only be for the ponies."
For the first time, the zebra general smiled. "I see now… you lost your support for your project and now you seek ours."
Vice clasped his gauntlets together. "Gentlecolts, I want you to use Magic Gear." He let the words sink in.
Gust raised his claw like he was in class. "For?"
The scientist stallion smiled. "Good question. To which, I ask another. Gentlecolts, to make some pony want something, all you have to do is tell them they can't have it. But how do you make some pony need something?"
They all waited for an answer, exchanging glances. But only one of them knew.
"If you want someone to want something, you just tell them they can't have it. Like a child, it only makes them want it more. But to make them need it…" he leaned over and grabbed the table. "You give it to every other kid first."
"Interesting…" Admiral Scope remarked. "So you want us to use your little toys."
Gust's beak broke into a greedy grin. "What do we get in return?"
"Your own giant robot isn't enough?" Lightning asked the others.
"That's what you already need from us," Gust countered. "The tools you've already 'provided'. What are you going to give us for using them?"
Vice's smile disappeared. He was hoping this wouldn't happen but not surprised it did. He thought it over, then decided to let them in on the whole plan. He smiled again. "What if I offered you… the Crystal Empire?"
"The whole kingdom?" Gust scoffed. "You don't own it! You're not royalty, you're not anything. How could you possibly give it over to us?"
"I'll own it in a week," Vice answered simply.
"Really?" Gust said, still in disbelief. He didn't notice both Zeal and Scope were not skeptical. "And how are you going to manage that?"
Vice shrugged. "I have my ways, you have yours. And I happen to know each of you has been… inconvenienced by the Crystal Empire's reappearance."
Gust's smile slowly sunk from his face, now resembling the tone of seriousness the others had.
"For the past thousand years, the Crystal Empire hasn't even been here. But the land, water and air have been here. Plenty of it for all three of your nations to share…" Vice explained, a sly smirk appearing over his face.
The others finally began to understand.
"Gentlecolts, my Magic Gear is a lot more than just a weapon. It truly is magic and I believe you'll be impressed with the next trick I have up my sleeve."
They all leaned towards him, curious to what he had to say.
"In seven days, my Magic Gears will make the Crystal Empire disappear. Again. But in order to pull off this little magic trick, I'm asking for the three of you to volunteer," Vice stood up and moved to the door. "I'll give you the rest of the day to think it over. For now, I have another message to send. Lightning?"
The pony looked up from his game. "Yeah?"
"When our guests are ready, teleport them to wherever they'd like to go. Oh, and if that happens to be the units stationed outside the city, just to let you know, the instruction manual is in the cockpit," Vice shot his associate a grin.
Lightning nodded back. "Oh, but of course."
Vice then left, closing the door behind him.
Back in the conference room, the four of them sat silently. Each of them had much to gain and much to lose, even Lightning Claw.
"Hey! In finally got him!" Lightning shouted, standing from his chair. "Oh thank gawd, that lasted FOREVER."
Sky Marshal Gust Grasp looked over to the indigo pony. "What game is that?"
"AlphaSapphire," Lightning replied shyly.
"Oh, nice!"
"I just got that for 3DS, too," Zen Zeal said. All three of the other guests moved to look over Lightning's shoulder at his game.
"I actually got OmegaRed for my birthday," Admiral Scope commented.
Lightning quirked an eyebrow at the suited sea pony. "They make waterproof gameboys now?"
Phoenix and Twilight moved to join Dan and the others on the couch when a faint buzzing noise was heard.
Dan shifted in the middle of the couch. "Hold on, someone's calling me." From his back pocket, he retrieved his cell phone. "Better not be another telemarketer…….. Hello?"
"Dan, it's Nightshade."
"Nightshade?" Dan asked the phone. "Secret agent gardener guy?"
"Um… something like that, yeah," the distinctive voice came back.
The others turned their attention from the t.v to Dan.
Twilight leaned up to Phoenix. "Nightshade's a secret royal guard, he reports directly to the princesses. We met him in Canterlot."
"Yeah, I know," Phoenix whispered back. "He helped me escape."
"And how can I help the Canterlot botanical espionage service?" Dan asked.
"Uh, how quickly can you guys get to the Crystal Empire?"
"Hold on," Dan cupped the phone's receiver and turned to Twilight. "How quickly can we get to the Crystal…" he uncapped the phone. "What was it again?"
"The Crystal Empire."
"Right… is that a superstore or something?"
"Not really… more of a neighboring nation. As in, allied subject nation."
"You're gonna have to tell me how that works."
"*sigh*"
He turned back to Twilight. "How quickly can we get to the Crystal Empire?"
The purple pony shrugged. "The train ride's only about an-"
"No trains." Dan glared.
"Okay…" Twilight searched her mind for an alternative.
"Why no trains?" Phoenix asked.
"We kind of had a train episode already…" Twilight admitted.
"No, we LITERALLY had a train episode," Dan corrected. "We were able to get back and fourth from Canterlot fine before Christmas but if it's something important, we're not risking another derailing issue again."
"We could go by airship," Chrys suggested. "We could probably get there in about an hour or two, depending on the weather schedule."
Dan took a moment to consider the airship possibility. He then raised the phone to his ear again. "Probably an hour or two. And why do you ask?"
"Dan, it's Vice Grip. I don't know how, but he got control of everything here."
He jumped to a stand. "He what?!"
"What happened?" Twilight asked, reflecting the others' concern.
"I'm not sure but he's settin-ksssssst! the palace and-"
"He's doing what?!" Dan yelled. He moved forward, as if it would boost the signal. "You're breaking up or something! Repeat what you just said!"
"KRZZZZZZZH-Gear……… palace. And Shining-Krsh-sh-sh-zzt!"
The phone cut out. For a moment, they all stood in nervous anticipation. Dan held the phone to his ear, frozen, waiting for any other sound from his cell phone that there was no guarantee would come. He considered trying to call back, return dial Nightshade's number, anything but still he hung there. They all hung there, refusing to hang up the phone.
A response came only a short moment later. But it wasn't a response they could've anticipated.
"Hello, Dan."
Dan's eyes narrowed. "Vice Grip." He looked at the phone, removing it from his ear to check the screen when it somehow switched to speaker.
"You don't sound very surprised to hear from me. Things not going well between you and Mr. Wright?"
The others glanced at each other when they heard Vice's voice. Phoenix stepped forward at the mentioning of his name, like an accused being summoned.
Dan seethed in silence. He knew Vice was taunting him with the knowledge that Phoenix had joined the crew but he didn't want to validate it.
"There's nothing you can do to surprise us, Grippy. All your fancy gadgets are nothing but show; we know you're not trying to help Equestria. You're just trying to help yourself."
Vice Grip's voice came back proceeded by a confident chuckle. "Well, you're wrong about one thing, Dan."
The phone began to shake in Dan's hand, buzzing as if he was getting another call. But he hadn't set it to vibrate. It continued to buzz and shake, quickly loosing itself from his grip and falling to the floor. He reached down to pick it up when the lights in the house flickered.
A blue beam of light appeared from the phone's screen, quickly expanding and projecting a shimmering image in the living room. It materialized into the shape of a stallion wearing a lab coat, standing on his hind legs.
Standing before them, Vice Grip smirked. "I can still surprise you."
Dan's mouth hung open. "H-how?"
"Technoportation, that's what we're calling it, anyway. It was Lightning Claw's idea, actually but it requires a little more charge up time than a teleportation spell. But I think it has some promise, don't you?"
"Profess-Vice Grip!" Twilight said, "What is going on?! How were you able to do that?!"
"How did you get past MY SECURITY GRID?!!!" Dan yelled.
Chrys and Spike held a growling Fluffle Puff at bay.
Still grinning, Vice raised his glove over Dan's phone. The device shot up off the floor and into his metallic palm. "Why, technology, of course. There's no spell, no arcane crap or song you can come up with that I can't duplicate with technology. And improve."
"You got past my security system!" Dan shouted, ignoring the phone in Vice's hand. "You're breaking and entering! As a royal guard, I can arrest you for this!"
Vice still smirked. "The same way you broke into ponies' houses to rearrange their decorations?"
"That was classified as a security issue!" Dan shouted back. "And I don't know how you got past my turrets' sensor system but the moment you leave, I'm adding you to the targeting suite!" He angrily marched over to the console by the door update the security information.
Vice tapped a button on his left gauntlet. Before Dan even got to the wall terminal, the screen turned off. Next to it, the door locked with an audible click. Dan slowly turned back around, teeth gritted and fists balled.
"You know why I like technology?" he asked almost too casually. "It doesn't reward those with the shiniest bobbles. It doesn't matter who says the right words, who has the right powers, who dances or sings or praises the right voodoo symbols. Technology simply rewards those who have the reach, the research, the resources and the resolve to use them all together."
Twilight stepped up to Dan's side. "I dunno. I've always respected those who exercise a little restraint and responsibility."
The others turned back to her. "Not bad, Twilight," Chrys remarked.
She blushed, not used to witty retorts but happy to have the support. She got a nod of approval from each of them.
Vice looked less supportive. "Restraint?! RESTRAINT?!" he raised his voice, appalled. "You call keeping the entire nation in a perpetual dark age for the past thousand years RESTRAINT?!"
Chrys raised an eyebrow, more than skeptical. "A thousand years? I remember how things were back then and I can say that Equestria has definitely improved since-"
"You stay out of this," Vice pointed a metallic digit at her like the barrel of a gun. "You're not the only thing the princesses have buried for the past millennia."
Phoenix scratched his chin. "You keep saying a thousand years." They were on the brink of hostility, maybe violence and they all could feel it. Vice was clearly a threat to them but that didn't stop the attorney's analytical mind from picking up on things. Much like Twilight. "What happened that long ago?"
Vice was surprised someone was paying attention. "A lot happened, it would seem," he said in an apathetic tone. "A lot the royally horned ones would like to keep under wraps. But, like myself, the Crystal Empire and our shapeshifting friend here, it keeps finding ways to come back and reassert itself in the future."
"But what happened with you? What made you feel this way about the princesses?" Phoenix asked.
Until then, Vice hadn't answered that question when others asked though not always intentionally. Phoenix was the only one to actually ask him directly, something that not even Vice had expected. What happened next was something neither of them had expected.
Vice's expression changed as he turned to Phoenix. Any confidence or bravado the stallion might've shown was gone an in an instant; he stared at the lawyer with a hard look, the kind where it felt like they were the only two in the room for that moment. His eyes burned with something beyond anger, beyond pity, beyond disgust. Vice's presence had almost been transformed by the question, as if a film had been peeled back. And what lay underneath was only hatred. A burning resentment radiating with the destructive power of a nuclear bomb.
A light flashed though none saw it but Phoenix, not even Vice. The background behind Vice faded to black. The furniture, the walls, the entire room except for Vice Grip turned to pitch black as Vice stared at Phoenix. From the top of Phoenix's perception, two chains descended over Vice, crossing only at the very bottom. In the center between the chains, over Vice's chest appeared a lock connecting the links at the ends. It clacked into place like the slamming of a cell door.
"It didn't matter to anyone then. Why should it matter now?" Vice asked.
(Great, should've known this guy would have psyche-locks. Looks like only one but it's bigger than normal. That's not a good sign. Well, at least the magatama is still working.)
"Well, uh," Phoenix began, "it clearly matters to you, still."
"Does it, now?" Vice asked.
Phoenix had expected Vice to just go through with it. "Um, yeah. I mean, it seems like whatever happened is important to you. Why else would you bring it up?"
"Those who ignore the lessons of the past are doomed to make the same mistakes, Mr. Wright," Vice countered, his demeanor returning to more of his stern confidence. "I mentioned the Crystal Empire, the changelings and my own experiences because they all teach the same lesson: magic-users like the princesses just bury problems, they don't solve them. But I…" he paused, his voice shaking a bit. He looked away briefly, then turned back to Phoenix. "I don't dwell in the past; merely try to learn from it."
(Yeah, right. I think anyone with some common sense could clearly tell that you're lying.)
"Huh," Dan said, scratching his chin. "I actually try to do the same. Part of the reason why I track down those who try to screw with me," he commented, totally buying Vice's explanation.
Phoenix facepalmed. (Emphasis on COMMON sense…) "Well… it seems like you're still dwelling on it."
"I see. And I assume you must have some proof of this?"
"Uh…um…," Phoenix felt sweat form at the back of his neck. (Oh, crap. Crap, crap crap.)
"Well?"
"Unnnngh," the lawyer gritted his teeth, thinking. (I can't believe I forgot about this part. My court record is completely empty, I have no evidence! Wait, let me check again………… and it's empty. Oh crap. Why didn't I remember this could happen? I guess I have to back off.)
"Ah. All right, then. It would seem Dan isn't the only one of Twilight's friends that relies on baseless accusations."
"HEY!" Dan shouted. "You're the one who's been… who's…" he stopped when he realized he was playing right into Vice's hands. The raging human grumbled, eliciting a smile from the scientist stallion.
"I… guess I was mistaken," Phoenix said, even though he knew he wasn't. Getting to the truth behind a wall of deceit wasn't easy, even for attorneys like Phoenix Wright who's job it was to do it. It was like a game; each question, each statement, every word and syllable and the tone in which it was uttered was a move. Fighting for the truth, Phoenix knew he'd always be able to win but still required the right pieces sometimes. But advocating the truth meant those pieces existed, they were out there and he just had to find the evidence. For the deceivers, their walls could only protect them for so long. The game wasn't over, Phoenix was just regrouping.
"Oh, and Mr. Wright?" Vice turned back to Phoenix.
"Um, yes?"
"Don't think you're getting off from this unscathed."
(Oh no) "Uhm, wha-what do you mean?"
"I'll remember this conversation, Phoenix. You can bet on that. I happen to have a very long memory."
KA-BASH!! (Gah!) An explosion rang in Phoenix's ears, the distinctive sound of a fifth of his Confidence Gauge being depleted. One of the consequences of risking and failing to uncover the truth when accusing someone was a hit to his confidence, though it was more of a hit to the spirit and it felt like a punch to the gut. Without his confidence, represented by the gauge, he would be unable to object, to advocate or accuse. If the Confidence Gauge hit zero, he would be unable to function in court and the game would be over. In a manner of speaking.
The living room of Twilight's house faded back into focus, the chains and lock barring Vice's secrets disappeared. Phoenix's perception returned to normal, everything else having been a result of the magatama's mystical powers.
Twilight and the others noticed Phoenix's drained appearance, the lawyer clutching his side. A battle of wits was still a battle and they could tell their friend had made a costly temporary retreat.
"But I didn't come all this way just to discuss the past and show off my latest inventions," Vice said casually. "I came here to invite you all personally to be my guests."
"Guests to what?" Twilight asked.
Vice smiled. "To the future, Twilight Sparkle. I come to offer you all a glimpse of the future and invite you to the New Crystal Empire."
Vice gave a slot bow and nod of the head to affirm.
"And what makes you think we would?" Dan asked.
Vice didn't respond, remaining mid-bow/mid-nod. He froze. Dan and the others waited for him to say something, but he didn't even move. His body suddenly twitched, reverted to his standing, clasped-hands posture, then back to bow. It was almost instant, then happened again.
"Uh… is he broken?" Chrys asked.
A large, white rectangular panel appeared over Vice's face. Letters were typed on the center with a blue bar above and a symbol in the top-left.
Phoenix squinted to read the words. "'Error, Vic-dot-ee-ex-ee has stopped responding." Reading it aloud did nothing to explain it to any of them.
Vice's form turned into a blue silhouette, pulsed once, twice, then disappeared for a moment before reappearing. A low dirging tone was heard, reminiscent of a computer booting up before Vice's traditional form reappeared.
"Sorry about that, still working the bugs out of the operating system. Another reason why I can't technoport you there at the moment but outside, you'll find a Flutterbird waiting for you."
"A Flutterbird?" Twilight asked. "But that's an Enclave craft. How do you get one?"
Vice shrugged. "The Storm Enclave has partnered up with FIST, along with the Crystal Confederation. But I don't want to spoil all the surprises for you. So I'll let you see for yourself when you've arrived."
"You didn't answer my question!" Dan declared. "Why should we take a ride in your windowless white air van in the first place? What's to stop us from saying no?"
"Oh, I'm pretty sure it's in all of your best interests to come," Vice said. "I certainly know it's in the best interests of your brother and Princess Cadence," he turned a sly smile to Twilight.
There was no need for that statement to be explained. "What did you do?!" Twilight leapt forward. "What did you do to them?!!"
Vice had to step back as both she and Dan advanced on him. "What did I do? I didn't do anything to them," he said, though it was only too obvious that it was a lie. "Unfortunately, it seems that Prince Shining Armor and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza were involved in some sort of plot to destroy the Crystal Heart."
The whole group gasped. Even Dan appeared shocked to hear that the Shining and Cadence would do such a thing. Though he quickly leaned over to the others and whispered, "What's a Crystal Heart?"
"The Crystal Heart's a focusing point for magical energy," Phoenix explained. "Various types of magic from all parts of Equestria pour into the heart-shaped gem and then out in the form of brilliant auroras. It's a way of restoring and refreshing magic to all corners of Equestria."
"Wow… I didn't even know that," Twilight remarked, surprised her friend knew so much.
Phoenix put his hands on his hips in his trademark pose of confidence. You know the one. "I did some research while I was here, seeing as I had plenty of time this time. I also happen to know that Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor would never do anything to endanger the Crystal Empire," the lawyer declared.
Twilight, Spike, Fluffle and Chrys were happy to see their human friends, especially Phoenix, defending Shining and Cadence so valiantly. Even if they hadn't much involvement with her brother and sister in law, Twilight was very happy that Dan and Phoenix supported them.
Vice half-turned to the flatscreen t.v behind them. "Well, it seems the Crystal Empire doesn't agree with you," he pointed at the screen with one gauntlet, turned a nob on the other and the television turned on.
"-on BBC Equestria! The home of Equestria's best original programming! And up next, don't miss four hours of Doctor Whooves reruns followed by Monty-"
Vice quickly changed the channel, flipping through various other references to other shows and movies including My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Archer, Dan Vs., and Mr. Belvedere. He finally stopped on a news channel where the author of this story was giving a broadcast.
"-levels of aggression we haven't seen in decades. We've received no information from the Zebra Nation at this time for what appears to be an unprovoked attack on Saddle Arabia-" The screen displayed a white stallion with a brown mane next to the image of a desert city, smoke rising from various parts of an overhead shot. The image of the city filled the screen as the camera panned over the buildings and structures, Saddle Arabia under attack. The camera then caught the reflected sunlight of a metal surface in the distance.
"Oh, sorry," Vice said, sounding distinctly not genuine, "wasn't expecting this on so early." He pressed another button on his hand and the image froze.
"That… that's Magic Gear!" Dan said, pointing at the screen. Amid the smoke of a burning Saddle Arabian tower was a Magic Gear, this one with a much larger mane. It looked like a fan and the machine itself resembled more of a zebra than a pony.
"Really?" Vice asked, pretending to take a closer look at the screen. "Oh wait, that's one of the knockoff versions."
"Knockoffs?!" Dan asked. "You're the only one who makes those crazy things!"
Vice grinned. "Well, I WAS. It was Princess Luna's orders, after all. But… it seems that my designs were stolen recently when I gave a copy to Flim and Flam so they could make commercial construction models," he fixed a falsely-innocent gaze to Phoenix Wright. "You wouldn't happen to know where those would be, would you? After all, whoever stole them… or knew who stole them and didn't inform the authorities… is certainly risking Equestria's security. After all, I'm just a defense contractor."
It silenced them all. While Phoenix had received the only copy of the Magic Gear schematics from Flim and Flam, Vice had apparently found a way to use it to his advantage. The scientist was making it all to clear that if he found out Phoenix had them, he'd blame the lawyer and the rest of Twilight's friends for the attack they were witnessing right now.
"Ah well," Vice shrugged, "It should comfort you to know that Celestia and Luna are looking into the zebra's attack as we speak. But meanwhile, the crystal ponies have accused your brother and sister-in-law of treason, Twilight."
Twilight shook her head. "That's… that's not possible."
Chrys could tell she was shaken up. "Shining and Cadence know how important the Crystal Heart is to the Empire. They would never do anything to harm it."
"Who knows why they did it?" Vice asked innocently. He looked over his shoulder. "But… uh… since the news doesn't seem to be covering it at the moment, I happen to have the footage of them being arrested." Vice flipped over his palm and a blue light pulsed from the center of his gauntlet. From his hand appeared a holographic image of Cadence and Shining Armor being surrounded by royal guards, their own royal guards. Twilight noticed neither Nightshade nor Flash Sentry were among them.
"Twilight…" Spike said. They all saw it but none of them could believe it. And it was that fact that made Vice beam. They watched the image in his hand as the prince and princess were escorted by their own guards out of the throne room.
"Yes, it seems quite a lot has transpired lately," Vice nodded. "And just after I was made security chief of the Empire as well. But after this, I've had to take up the office regent of the Crystal Empire," he smiled slyly, crushing the image in his fist.
"They made YOU a regent?!" Twilight asked.
The scientist clasped his hands behind his back. "The citizens of the Crystal Empire insisted upon it. After all FIST has done to provide for them. But after these events, I knew I had to contact you about your brother and Cadence. Which is why I'm here."
"Of course," Dan said, venom in his tone. "Because you're just being… neighborly. As always."
Vice tilted his head in Dan's direction and gave him a grin that made him want to punch the stallion's face down his throat.
"So you technoported into our living room to inform us of this development," Phoenix said, surmising Vice's intent.
"Indeed, Mr. Wright. Going so far as to test one of FIST's latest inventions to get to you faster, given the importance of this terrible turn of events," Vice bowed in Nick's direction.
He didn't buy it, none of them did but it's all they had to go on. And they didn't need to believe it, Vice knew, he just needed them to be unable to prove him wrong. And the proof was beyond them, at the moment.
"What're we gonna do, Twilight?" Chrys asked.
Dan brought them in for a huddle, pulling them together suddenly. "All right, we wrap the N64 controllers around his… boots or whatever, then I flip the couch on top of him. Then Nicky, you-"
"Dan…"
"Nicky, you get the flamethrower from the upstairs closet, we set the couch on fire and then teleport him and the couch outside and claim it was an electrical fire caused by his tekken-port thingy. Okay, team? Ready-"
"Dan," Twilight put a hoof on her violent friend's shoulder. "Dan, we're not going to set him on fire."
"Awww," Dan groaned, disappointed.
"Yeah, and I'm pretty sure they'd be able to tell the difference between an electrical fire and one caused by a flamethrower," Phoenix added. (That is, if the detectives here are more perceptive than Gumshoe.)
"So, what are we gonna do, Twilight?" Spike asked, sitting on Fluffle's back.
Twilight thought about her response. The moment Vice had said something threatening, even indirectly threatening, about the princesses and especially her brother and Cadence, she had lost whatever respect she'd had for her former mentor. He may not have done anything yet but Twilight believed, like Dan, that Vice would show his true colors eventually. And for now, his intent was a few shades too dark not to act on.
"We have to go to the Crystal Empire," Twilight announced.
"But that's exactly what he-"
"I know," she told Dan. She didn't like playing into the villain's hands either but they were out of options. And once again, it was something she felt Vice had anticipated. "But my brother and Princess Cadence are in trouble. And so is Nightshade and… possibly all of Equestria. We have no choice."
"He's got our plots, well… in a vice," Chrys remarked.
There were no protests from Dan and the others. She was right and the decision had been made.
She turned around to Vice, the others following suit. "We'll… see you in the Crystal Empire."
"Ah!" Vice's smile returned. "I think you mean the NEW Crystal Empire," he said with a chuckle. "And honestly, it was in need of some renewing. Did you know they still had laws from a thousand years ago? Trust me, I know this is difficult but these reforms have been necessary."
"Social reforms?" Twilight asked. "And you have the power to do this all of a sudden?"
"Why yes. Most of them your brother and his wife started when they first arrived but others I've had to implement myself. I had to draw up sports regulations for games other than jousting, I had to re-establish territorial boundaries with the Empire's neighbors, lobby to release Team Left for Half Portal 5 Episode L Brown Version and I had to legalize recreational poison joke, gambling and same sex marriage."
"Wait," Phoenix stopped him, "Gay marriage? They actually had laws against that?"
Vice shrugged. "Leftover from King Sombra's rule but still in place. I had to revise the charter specifically legalizing it myself. Pretty backwards, right?"
They all nodded in agreement. Equestria had long ago legalized same sex marriages after the Great Shipping Crisis of '11 where they all decided it was just best to let ponies marry whoever they wanted and everything would be fine so long as nopony be cheatin'. And if you have foals with some pony, congrats, you're glued to them in one way or another. Centuries later, things were working out, though the Crystal Empire hadn't been around for this revolution(coupled with the general lack of crystal shipping) and so still had laws in place leftover from Sombra's rule.
"Honestly, I know a few people who'd be happy to hear that," Phoenix said. (If it's that easy to pass legislation here, maybe I should set up a firm in Equestria.)
"Every wedding should be legal," Dan said.
Chrys immediately began to blush. "Um… you like… going to weddings, Dan?"
"Of course!" he announced enthusiastically. "It's free food, free drinks and all the folding chairs you can carry with you out the door!" True to form, Dan approved of just about anything if it involved free stuff.
"And the bad guy just legalized gay marriage…" Chrys thought out loud. She scratched her head. "I'm not really sure where I stand on this any more."
Dan grabbed Chrys by the ear. "Just because he did ONE good thing doesn't mean he isn't planning on stabbing us in the back!"
Chrys blushed hard. "You're touching my ear…"
He released his grasp and turned back to the confrontation.
"I didn't say stop…" she whispered too low for any of them to hear.
"There were actually quite a few old laws I had to revise from King Sombra's reign," Vice continued. "But it wasn't as difficult as-"
"What about interspecies marriage?" Chrys asked, waving her hoof.
"O-oh, uh, that's a great question!" Spike added. "Yeah, um, is that legal… in the Crystal Empire?"
"Yes, is it???" Chrys asked eagerly. Phoenix and Twilight drew curious looks at the changeling.
"What?" Vice asked, confused. "Interspecies? You mean like… pony and zebra or something?"
"Or pony and dragon…" Spike quietly added.
"Well, yes… interspecies marriage! Like, any two happily consenting and loving sentients in… love. Lovingly," Chrys awkwardly clarified.
"Oh," Vice understood. "Uh, no. Ew. That's just… wrong," he said, disgusted at the very idea. "Interspecies marriage, that's still illegal everywhere, thankfully."
"Oh… I… I see…crap," Chrys said as her head dipped low in despair.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Spike wailed, crying into his arm as he did so. His tears fell in torrents, hitting Fluffle beneath him and causing her fluff to absorb it. She puffed up a good foot and a half form his tears alone. "WHY?!! WHYYYYYYYYY????!!!!"
Twilight had to admit they both took it better than she expected.
"Is there something I should know?" Phoenix asked no one in particular.
"Just give him a minute; he'll be fine," Dan said, oblivious to Chrys' problem, which in fact WAS the problem.
But Vice Grip happened to notice both outbursts. "Well, this has been quite… interesting. Anyway, I must be getting back to overseeing our new Empire. Security obligations and all, you know how it is," he said, giving Dan a nod that made him want to strangle him somehow even more.
"I'll see you all there," Vice said slyly, holding Dan's phone out in front of him. He let the human reach out for it, then turned it back to himself and snapped a picture. In a flash, the scientist stallion was gone and the phone hit the floor.
Dan picked the phone off the floor. "Ahghh!" he shielded his eyes from the screen. "He teleported by taking a selfie!"
"Bleh," Chrys said.
"That's just tacky," Phoenix said. The rest of them recoiled in disgust.
Dan punched the buttons on his phone frantically. "It… it won't delete!!" He shook the phone in desperation, checked every setting and even briefly considered throwing it at the wall. "He saved his picture as my background!"
"Glaugh!"
"Wrong." Chrys and Twilight looked away in distaste.
"Don't delete it," Phoenix reached out to stop Dan.
"You're right," Dan nodded. "I have to burn my phone now. Nicky, upstairs closet, flamethrower, now."
"No," Phoenix continued. "The picture might be useful."
"Uh, how?" Spike asked. "Since when has a selfie been useful to anypony?"
"He's tipped his hand, now," Twilight said. "Not entirely but Vice knows we realize he's a threat. That means everything he does, everything he… gives us could be important."
"I know that!" Dan protested. "But I know that HE knows that! That means HALF the stuff he's gonna do is just to mislead us… or infuriate us!! And he KNOWS we'll obsess over it like it's some kind of important evidence when really it's just him laughing in our faces! LIKE HE'S DOING IN THIS PICTURE!!" He showed them all the image burned into the background of his phone's screen. Vice's mocking appearance was completed by a cocky grin and a faux two-fingered "peace" sign. A portion of the television screen in the background still showed the news report, still going on with the time in the bottom-left corner.
"It still might be important, Dan," Phoenix said. (I remember all the times I thought a simple photo might not be important. Even if it's… unbearably tacky, it still might contain some important evidence.)
"Fine," Dan relented, pocketing his phone. "But the next available opportunity, I'm taking a selfie of me and Vice's head on a pike."
"Do you have any pictures of me on your phone?" Chrys asked.
"No," Dan replied. "Should probably get some though." Chrys perked up, excited with the idea that Dan could be interested in her. Naturally, completely oblivious to Chrys' expression as he walked by, he added, "Just in case folks in the Crystal Empire need to be reminded that I'm friends with royalty."
"I don't think they've ever seen a changeling," said Twilight.
"So, what? They've been living under a rock for a thousand years?" Dan asked.
"In a manner of speaking," Twilight said, instinctively looking for the right book in the library. "The whole Empire disappeared over a thousand years ago after an evil pony named King Sombra took control and forced the crystal ponies to be his slaves. It only reappeared recently and Equestria is still trying to restore its diplomatic ties. My brother and Princess Cadence were appointed as royal stewards of the Empire, granted governance over the territory by Princess Celestia until the Crystal Parliament had been rebuilt. But progress is slow."
"Doesn't sound like it now," Dan said. "If the Blofeld wannabe's in charge, he's probably kicked out or imprisoned anypony he doesn't like."
Twilight nodded. "We won't know how bad it is until we get there," she moved towards the door and the others motioned to follow her. As she grasped the door handle with her magic, she turned to Dan behind her.
"Dan… we'll probably be gone from Ponyville for a while."
"Yeah," Dan said, agreeing with her obvious statement. "Unless we're somehow able to magically exonerate your brother and uh… Candice?"
"Cadence."
"Other one instantaneously, it'll probably be a few days at least."
Twilight nodded. "So, what I'm saying is, if there's anything else you need to do in Ponyville, you should probably do it now. I have a feeling things will change from here on out."
"Ohhh!!" Chrys said, realizing. "This is like the point of no return part!"
"And that means?"
"It means this is the time for you to do any side quests you missed or collect any items you missed!" the changeling bounced giddily.
Dan regarded her with a cold stare. "You really need to get out more. Or… at all. But, this is the perfect opportunity for us to do just that."
"She's right, Dan," Twilight said. "If there's anything else you want to do in Ponyville or anything you want to get, we better take care of it now."
Dan thought for a moment. "Actually, there is something we might need." He reached to the side by the security terminal and grabbed two items from the umbrella stand next to the door. One was the Pain Cane, his Dead Rising-style modified weapon made from Granny Smith's walking cane and two of her horseshoes and the other was an aluminum Daring Do baseball bat. He handed the bat to Phoenix.
"Uh, thanks. What's this for?"
"This is the backup security system, considering Vice broke the other one," Dan said.
Phoenix awkwardly held the piece of sporting equipment. "And what am I supposed to do with this?"
Dan stood, holding the Pain Cane with both hands. "Vice broke into our house, broke my security system and broke my phone. If he tries anything again, we use these to break him."
"Oh… great," Phoenix replied. (I'm going to be defending him on assault charges soon. Possibly under the threat of assault from him.)
Fluffle Puff and Chrys both acquired their respective important items; for Fluffle it was her ninja bandana(which also gave her unlimited ammo), her Stasis Module and her Kinetic Module, both of which were part of her time in a Dead Space crossover but for the purposes of this story were acquired from Vice Grip's prototypes which fell from the sky during her and Dan's search for Derpy Hooves. Both items had been along with the CLIPbucks and were conveniently unscathed when they landed on Vinyl and Octavia's music store, Wubway. The music store had not been unscathed.
Chrys packed a suitcase and donned a scarf, making it easier to identify her if for whatever reason she changed into another pony and that fact somehow became relevant. Not that that would happen in some situation in the near future where tiny details like that hold some great significance in, say, a courtroom drama. Seriously, how would THAT make a difference?… Oh, and she also packed the two lunch boxes previously seen in the Derpy Hooves episode. You know the ones. Just in case they needed lunch. Two sandwiches; crust on for Dan, crust off for Fluffle Puff. She likes to eat the crust separately. We're not sure why. Probably involves milk…
"That looks to be about everything," Dan announced. "I'd arm the security system but it doesn't look like there's much point in that… seeing as how dingus can teleport right inside our HOUSE without it doing anything."
"I guess we're ready," Twilight said, grasping the door again. She looked over her shoulder at Dan. "Would you like to save?"
Save: [Yes] No
"Sure, I'd like to save time by just beating Vice Grip to a pulp. Let's go," Dan walked forward and Twilight opened the door.
Twilight moved to the side as the human past but not before saying, "Your previous file will be overwritten. Is that o-"
Chrys chuckled. Dan was already outside. "You really gotta know when to take a break, Twilight."
The purple alicorn just smiled. "Hey, it pays to be prepared."
Saving… Don't turn off the power… Progress saved to file: CHRYSXDAN1
Twilight locked the door to the library behind her, the security system to the house before Dan came to live with her. She then trotted up to join the others as they walked.
Chrys looked around, scanning the area. "So, didn't Vice say there was going to be a-" Her words were quickly drowned out by the sound of rotors. The team looked skyward to see three vehicles descending to land right in front of them. A small amount of snow and wind was kicked up from the crafts' wings as they touched down, three winterized craft; two smaller ones flanking a larger, bulbous vehicle in a standard delta formation.
Twilight had read about the Storm Enclave's Flutterbird aircraft before but had never seen one up close. They had been originally designed as rapid response emergency vehicles by Cloudsdale in the event Ponyville needed to be quickly evacuated. But, with the Enclave's inclusion into FIST, Vice had taken the Enclave's Flutterbird fleet and repurposed them for his own uses. Despite their name, they looked more like bugs than birds, with dragonfly-like "eye" protrusions on either side of its angular cockpit and butterfly wings sprouting from its modular center. The tail possessed a small fin on which the word FIST had been emblazoned. The two smaller single-seat Flitterbird attack craft landed at the sides, smaller, slimmer versions of the main craft.
Why it was called a Flutterbird and not a Flutterbug is any pony's guess, given their insectile appearance. But, even though it looked like a bug, the only thing it resembled to Dan and the others was-
"A windowless white van with wings," Phoenix said. "It… it actually does look like a windowless white van with wings."
"Yeah…," Chrys agreed, discomforted. "Creep factor in this story just went up like two or three notches."
"That… happens," Twilight remarked.
"Not like this it doesn't," Dan said.
Phoenix scratched the back of his neck. "I don't see how this situation could get any more awkward."
Just then, the cockpit of the closest Flitterbird flipped up and a familiar face popped out.
"Hi guys!" Lightning Claw waved at them from behind the controls. "We've got free candy!"
Dan gave Phoenix an angry scowl. "You were SAYING?!"
Phoenix facepalmed. "Yeah, I probably… DEFINITELY shouldn't have asked that question."
"So, what are we going to do?" Spike asked. "We have to get to the Crystal Empire someway."
"We are NOT taking a windowless white sky van," Dan declared.
"Well…" Twilight thought. "I guess we could take the train again."
"Or we could take the Twilicopter," Chrys said. "Or there's hot air balloons."
Dan frowned, realizing the discussion was getting them nowhere. He trudged through the snow towards the aircraft in front of them.
"The balloons are pretty slow, though," Twilight said. "We might be able to get our own Flutterbird… one that's less creepy."
"We are NOT taking a windowless white sky van," Dan repeated over his shoulder.
"But… then, what are you…" Chrys asked.
Dan entered the open porthole-like door to the Flutterbird. The vehicle began to rock back and fourth violently, the sounds of a scuffle heard from inside. Two loud, heavy clanks rang out and the craft was stationary again.
"Dan?" Twilight called out.
"We are NOT taking a windowless white sky van," Dan said, emerging from the Flutterbird. "We are HIJACKING a windowless white sky van." He kicked two gray-uniformed ponies out of the craft, letting their unconscious bodies hit the snow face first.
"I'm still not entirely comfortable with this…" Chrys said.
"Good," Dan yelled. "Let's all be really uncomfortable together. Now get in the van."
"Uh, Dan?" Twilight asked the triumphant Dan as he stood in the hatchway of the Flutterbird.
"Yes, Twilight?"
"Are you sure you know how to fly that thing?"
Dan smirked. "How hard can it be?"
Approximately four minutes later, at the scene of the crash, Dan and company learned exactly how hard it was to efficiently pilot the Enclave FB-06 Flutterbird: very. Fortunately, despite having crashed the aircraft, the Flutterbird was still in nearly-perfect working condition. Unfortunately, the same could not be said of the roof of the Wubway where the chopper landed. Vinyl and Octavia's music store once again had been partially obliterated, though the two mares had apparently taken the day off. After getting out of the craft, Dan and company learned how hard it was to remove an Enclave FB-06 Flutterbird from a destroyed building: very.
"I really hope their insurance covers this," Twilight said, remarking on the state of the Wubway.
"They'll be fine," Dan reassured her in a tone that informed her that he wasn't sure/didn't care.
"At least the Flutterbird looks intact," Phoenix said, climbing out of the craft.
"Maybe you shouldn't have KO'd those two pilots…," Chrys said, following Phoenix.
"Flying in this thing is creepy enough," Dan retorted. "Flying on the bad guy's terms, even worse. Let's go to the aerodrome. We'll rent a… blimp or something," the human grumbled, defeated.
"Why not flying on your own terms?" The door jingled as a figure entered.
"You again," Dan balled his fists. He then grinned as an idea came to him. "You know what? You might want to stick around. As a representative of FIST, you can explain to Vinyl and Octavia why one of your helicopters crashed through their ceiling."
Lightning Claw rolled his eyes. "Fine, if you don't want my help-"
"No, wait," Phoenix, followed by Twilight, stopped the young alicorn. "What do you mean by flying on our own terms?"
"Why are you asking him?" Dan accused. "He WORKS for Vice Grip, remember?"
Lightning shrugged, looking down and away. "It doesn't feel like it lately. But it's not like I have a choice."
Twilight approached him. "What did you mean when you said you could help us? Can you fly us to the Crystal Empire?"
Lightning nodded. "I can, actually. I can even help you wreck Vice Grip."
"Why would you help us?" Dan asked, his voice rife with hostility. "You're working with FIST, building all those crazy gadgets WITH Vice Grip. Why would you betray him?"
"Because I never really worked for Vice Grip," Lightning said. The statement shocked all of them, even Dan.
"What do you mean?"
Lightning stepped inside the building fully, walking up to the Flutterbird. He stopped just short of the logo that read FIST. "When I got fired from being Ponyville's weather manager, I was distraught. I couldn't get another job, I couldn't do anything because of this stupid horn. But then, this pony calling himself the Director showed up and offered me a position in FIST. He introduced me to Vice Grip, told me I was supposed to help him. But I never really understood how he wanted me to help him."
"Who's the director?" Twilight asked, puzzled.
Lightning shook his head. "I don't know. He just appeared out of nowhere one day. He says he's from Ponyville but… I don't think he's like anything else in Equestria. When Vice told me to attack you in the forest, the Director told me not to hurt you. Any of you, for that matter."
Dan folded his arms. "So, you finally admit that Vice ordered you to kill me?"
The indigo alicorn grinned. "If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead, Dan. Yes Man was watching us at the time so I had to make it look good," he walked over and patted the human on the back. "If it makes ya feel better, you did make me get desperate."
"Try it again, we'll see what I make of you next time."
"Pass," Lightning smiled over his shoulder. "But I can help you, if you let me."
Chrys, Phoenix and the others looked at each other, considering their options. They all knew what Dan would say… but maybe they didn't. Of all the things that were happening, the changing of roles and how they perceived things, maybe now was the time to start trusting new sources. Making new allies, new friends.
"How?" Chrys asked.
Lightning turned to face them. "Vice trusts me with a lot of stuff. I'm kind of his go-to guy, I guess. And while he sent me to escort your Flutterbird, I was also supposed to look for something while I was here…"
Annoyed, Dan asked, "And what, pray tell, was that?"
"Vice Grip wasn't the only pony Luna contracted to make create a defense system," Lightning said casually.
The jaws of the group collectively dropped. Fluffle Puff's thbbbp was considerably lower in tone to emphasize surprise in her own way.
"You mean… Princess Luna commissioned another group to build a weapon system?" Phoenix asked, fear in his voice. "A weapon… capable of matching the power of a nuclear bomb?"
Lightning nodded.
Twilight was speechless. Chrys was speechless. So many mixed feelings overwhelmed each of them, it was like the wind had been knocked out of them. Chrys' body slumped to the floor.
"It's one of the reasons Vice has been so busy trying to refine Magic Gear," Lightning continued. "Luna contracted some pony in Ponyville to develop a parallel defense program, sort of an anti-Magic Gear."
"P-P-PONYVILLE?!!" Dan repeated. "They're developing a new weapon... RIGHT IN OUR OWN BACKYARD?!!"
"I actually thought you guys knew already," Lightning said. "According to FIST's database, you helped field test it."
"M-me?!!" Dan yelled. "I didn't field test any weapon! Not one that wasn't mine, anyway. Only the ones that I was FORCED to fight to save the town! As usual!!"
Lightning paced a bit. "Vice wasn't worried too much about it anyway. The reports indicate that the weapon's designer canceled the project after losing some kind of contest."
"A… a contest?" Dan repeated, confused. "That's ridiculous!"
"Wait," Twilight held her hoof up. Something just occurred to her. "What kind of a weapon was this? The one that was field tested? Why does Vice want you to get it?"
"It's not complicated, really," Lightning explained. "Magic Gear's invulnerable to just about everything- magic, electricity, computer viruses, extreme weather and temperatures, you name it. It's nearly indestructible but it was still designed to look, behave and act like a pony. A filly."
Dan couldn't help but smile as Lightning described the monstrosities. All the talk about them being invincible machines, perfect defense systems, and he had taken down two of them.
"Magic Gear is still a machine, though, and its components are vulnerable to high-energy harmonic reverberating sound waves, the kind made by amplifiers," Lightning said. "Even putting earmuffs on them doesn't work because the sound waves can travel through surfaces. Once a Gear gets hit by a concentrated pulse of bass, the systems just seem to shutdown… and then, sometimes they start dancing. But either way, it won't respond to commands if-"
"Dan," Twilight said, thinking back. "What if… we already knew this weapon designer?" She turned to him. "What if you tested this weapon without even knowing it?"
"What if it was you who won the contest?" Chrys asked.
Dan stared at the floor. He had already figured it out. "I sabotaged the only thing the Magic Gears are weak against."
Advanced Auditory Amplification Anti-Magic Gear Artillery Vinyl Scratch's Bass Cannon Officially Commissioned by Princess Luna
Ponyville, Equestria Golden Oakes Library Over One-thousand years ago
5 Days before the first Unification Day
"Dad! Daaaaaad!" Vice called, banging on his father's bedroom door. "C'mon, dad get up. It's almost nine o'clock. We're gonna be late." He pounded on the door again, trying to get his dad's attention. How could he sleep this long on such an important day? Had he forgotten what today was?
Finally, his father's muffled voice came back. "Ungh, what is it? Gimme five more minutes."
"Daaaad," Vice whined. "I know you're joking; come on, we need to get ready or we're gonna be late!" Vice was quite the clever colt for eight years old and he knew his father very well. He knew his dad was well aware of his job and what it entailed but he also knew his dad liked to joke around sometimes. Even at times when they were supposed to be serious.
"Oh, is that right?" dad asked in a confused tone that made it obvious he knew exactly what his son was talking about . "What is it we're going to anyway? Why's it so important?"
Vice sighed. "You know today's the day you're supposed to meet with the other councilors," he replied in a scolding tone. As the chancellor of the earth ponies, Vice's father, Rice Puddinghead held a very important position in the Earth Pony tribe. Every two weeks, the leaders of the three pony tribes of the fledgling nation of Equestria would meet in Ponyville's town hall to discuss foreign affairs and how best to govern. A triumvirate, Rice was one of the three ponies that led Equestria and made it best for all ponies.
But unlike his fellow triumvirs, Rice had not been born into the position, even if his grandmother had held it. Rice had been elected by popular vote by the earth ponies. And then reelected almost unanimously. Twice.
"What are you doing in there, anyway?"
"Oh, just working with a little earth pony magic," his father said casually.
Vice giggled, knowing that could only mean one thing. "Oh, really? What is it this time?"
"Well, stand back and I'll show you."
Vice stepped back from the door, rolling his eyes. "Okay, I'm ready," he said playfully.
The door to Rice's room burst open and out his father shot. Vice almost didn't see him as his raced by.
"Wo-wo-wo- WOOOOOOOAAAAAH!!- KRISH!!" Shooting through the living room, Rice crashed in the wall next to the front window.
"Dad!" Vice ran over to him. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah, haha," Rice replied, collapsed by the wall. He rubbed his head and stood, happy and unharmed. "Good thing I was wearing a helmet."
"Yeah," Vice agreed, happy to see his dad wasn't hurt. His father was always coming up with new gadgets, inventing new things to make life in Ponyville easier. He worried sometimes but he knew his father would always put safety first.
Vice looked at his father's latest invention, something attached to his hooves. "So, what did you make this time? Horseshoes with wheels?"
"I call 'em roller-skates!" Rice said as he removed them and the helmet. "A whole new way of traveling faster, just as soon as I figure out how to mass produce them."
His son chuckled. "Maybe you should figure out how to stop with them first."
Rice smiled. "That's probably a good idea, too."
"And I think we might want to walk to your meeting with the councilors," Vice said, pointing to the clock.
"Ah, these are still just the prototype," Rice assured his son. "I'd never take any invention out on the street until it was ready. You know I'm careful."
Vice smiled, donning his saddlebag. "I know, but right now, we need to be careful not to be late. You need to get to work and I need to get to school."
"Aw, son, do we have to?"
"Unless you invent something that stops time, then yes," Vice said, being playful with his father.
"Hey, with earth pony magic, anything is possible," Rice said confidently and Vice smiled at his father again. Earth Pony magic was the term Vice's father gave to technology, to all ideas, really. And his father was quite adept at using earth pony magic, inventing and testing new things, designing new ways to solve problems and make life better. Even when Rice's inventions didn't work out, which didn't happen often, he still kept persevering, working to make things better in Equestria. Vice found it only the most inspiring thing and he was very proud to be his father's son.
The pair exited the Golden Oakes Library together, walking towards Vice's school. Despite having only been started just a few decades ago, Ponyville was already growing into a thriving community. New stores and houses were being built all the time and the population of the earth pony tribe was growing rapidly. Some even said too rapidly.
"Looks like a nice day today," Vice said. "Hopefully, it stays that way for a while."
"Well, why wouldn't it?" Rice asked. "The forecast has clear skies and sunshine scheduled for today."
"Last time it rained right in the middle of recess," Vice said, annoyed.
"Ah, well, I'm sure the plants and trees in the schoolyard need water, too."
"Yeah but do they have to make it rain right when we're in the middle of a game? And Mr. Cheer waters the plants in his garden on his own, anyway. Wouldn't it be easier for them to just give us the water and we use it on our own?"
Rice considered his words carefully. "The pegasi have an important job, son. It's not easy for them to manage the weather over all Equestria, y'know."
"Yeah," Vice said, looking down. "Sometimes, they can act like a buncha jerks, though."
Rice nodded, thinking. "I know what you mean," he said in a somber tone. The three tribes of Equestria had united after the nation's founding, supposedly forming one nation. But the tribes still remained largely separate from one another and kept to themselves; the pegasi had Cloudsdale, the unicorns had Canterlot and the earth ponies had Ponyville. Each tribe performed a certain role as well with the pegasi managing the weather, the unicorns controlling the sun and the moon and earth ponies producing food. They were separate, but equal, so it was said. The tension between them would fade in time. Or so they thought.
"Mr. Chancellor! Mr. Chancellor!" a stallion called as he ran up to see them. "Chancellor Rice!"
"Long Range, I told you before, it's just plain 'Rice'," Rice told his friend.
"Oh, fff, sorry. I forget sometimes," Long said. "But hey, the analysis of that soil sample from Apploosa just came back from the lab. It's richer than we even thought it would be! We should be able to cultivate all kinds of apples there!"
"That's great news!" Rice exclaimed. "And with the tracks in place, we could start a colony there tomorrow if we wanted!"
Long Range's smile faded. "You… you sure they're going to approve of the… you-know-what?"
Rice just smiled. "Why wouldn't they? The track's been in place since the mines were abandoned and we've already got the main engine ready to go. Another week or two and we'll be ready to unveil the prototype."
"If you say so," Long said, unconfidently. He stopped in the middle of the street, letting the two continue on. "Quartz and Typhoon weren't really happy with your powered flight idea."
"Yeah but they didn't say no to the greenhouses!" Rice said over his shoulder.
"That's because we didn't ask them!" Long called.
"I know! So keep it down!"
"Rice! Hello, Rice!" a mare called to him from the other side of the street. Like the last pony, she came running out to him as he crossed her path.
"Hey Pepper, good to see you."
"It's good to see you and Vice, too," the red-and-white maned mare said.
"Hi Miss Mint," Vice said politely.
"Well, actually it's going to be "Mrs. Mint" soon," she said, blushing.
"Oh, congratulations!" Rice said.
"That's really exciting! Congrats!"
Peppermint nodded. "We happened to be working on the same shift at the farms and Spear just got down on on his knees right in the middle of the field," she practically teared up. "He's so very shy but so sweet. I couldn't help but say yes!"
"That's wonderful, Pepper," Rice said. "Did you set a date?"
She nodded again. "We did! Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. We wanted to do something special and… we were wondering if we could use the town hall."
"Well, I don't see why not," Rice said. "You just let me know the date and I'll square it away with the committee."
"Oh thank you!" she grabbed Rice by the neck, forcing him to stop and embrace the hug. "This will mean so much to us, I can't thank you enough! And of course, you and Vice and the whole town are invited!"
"Do you think you could schedule it on a school day?" Vice asked with a chuckle. They all laughed at that.
"Haha, I don't see why we couldn't take the day off for that," Rice said.
After they all laughed, Pepper said, "Oh, well, I must get going back to the acres now. But I'll be certain to let you know the date! And thank you!"
"Don't mention it, Pepper! And congrats again!"
Vice admired his father. The way he knew every pony's name, cared for every pony in the tribe. It was no wonder he was so beloved and been elected so many times. Everypony loved him and he loved them in return. He truly was worthy of being chancellor.
Rice's career as chancellor had not been without its challenges, however. The cutie pox outbreak, the problems with the bordering buffalo, donkey and zebra nations and of course, the food shortages had all been things Rice had to deal with early on. But he had dealt with them successfully, and that was the remarkable thing. Using his inventions, he had cured the cutie pox, developed trading relations with the other nations and devised new ways to prevent famine, a constant problem. When he campaigned for reelection, the earth ponies had nicknamed him Equestria's "Second Sun" because with him as chancellor, they all had a brighter future to look forward to.
"Hey! Rice and Vice!" yet another voice called to them.
"Bushel Basket, what are you doing here?" Rice said as his friend ran up to him. "Aren't you supposed to be harvesting the cabbage with Sweet Onion today?"
"No~" Bushel replied. "Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be harvesting the onions with Red Cabbage," he said with a laugh.
"Oh, haha! My mistake," Rice said.
"Pretty easy mistake to make," Vice laughed, too.
"Not that your dad makes a lotta mistakes," Bush joked with Vice. "Isn't that what you guys always say? With earth pony magic-"
"There's only possibilities!" the father-son duo said simultaneously.
"Well, I wanted to let you guys know, we have some 'neighbors' interested in your magic. You remember your idea about revolving the crops or something?" Bushel asked.
"Crop rotation, yeah. It should help us improve food yield when the seasons change."
"Well, the donkeys down south are actually interested in that idea. They wanna come visit and see how it's done."
"Hmm," Rice thought. "How about instead of them coming to us, we go to them and teach them how to rotate crops in their own fields? We could do it in exchange for samples of those coconut things that grow down there so we can cultivate our own."
"Th-that's a great idea!' Bushel exclaimed. "We could take a couple extra hands from each division and take a trip down south."
"We'll talk it over with the rest section first but the timing for this actually looks pretty good," Rice said enthusiastically. "We have to make sure we don't jeopardize this month's quota but we shouldn't have any problems."
"Right, I'll get going back to the acres now," Bushel said, trotting off in the opposite direction. "And hey, did you get back that analysis of the soil sample yet?"
"Just did!" Rice said over his shoulder. "Haven't seen it myself but it looks more promising than we even thought! This could finally be the solution to our production problems!"
Bushel stopped as a bright smile dawned on his expression. Finally, there wouldn't be any problems with food production. Could it even be true? He wanted to believe it. Whatever uncertainty or doubt he felt didn't shine through as he let himself hope.
Food shortages had been a problem for the pony tribes even before Equestria was founded. The country was small, they only had three cities in close proximity to each other and their populations were huge and growing rapidly. Growing food was the earth ponies' sole responsibility but the problem wasn't numbers. Earth ponies outnumbered their horned and winged cousins by over a third; the problem was land. With almost every earth pony working to feed themselves, Canterlot and Cloudsdale, they just didn't have the space to create enough farmland for them all.
Under Chancellor Rice Puddinghead's leadership, new methods of farming like crop rotation, drainage cultivation and greenhouses had all been implemented. These techniques helped to increase food yield, preventing famine but they had only really slowed the shortages down. But to produce enough for the growing population, the earth ponies had to expand into new territory. Either that or the unthinkable: unicorns and pegasi would have to actually help.
Rice and Vice continued walking to the schoolhouse at the edge of town. The sound of thunder rang out, drawing their attention skyward. A group of pegasi over head were gathering clouds together to make a storm.
"So much for the forecast…" Vice commented. "And recess."
Rice patted his son on the back. "They probably have a good reason," he said, though he wasn't certain himself. But he wanted to believe his fellow ponies were responsible, even if they didn't always act like it. The fact that the local weather manager, Thunder Claw, wasn't with the group of pegasi was not a good sign.
The pegasi had the skies, the unicorns had the mountains and caves but the earth ponies just had Ponyville. And it wasn't enough. Major cities like Manehattan and Phillydelphia wouldn't be constructed for centuries and with the way things were going, wouldn't be constructed at all. The problem wasn't the threat of over-extended or the limitations of technology; it was far simpler than that. The problem was fear. And not by the earth ponies.
General Manager(or just General as she preferred) Typhoon and Princess Quartz had blocked Rice Puddinghead's attempts to colonize new territory since his first term as chancellor. It was always the same: they claimed that if earth ponies extended too far, it would cause problems with the other nations or create food shortages. Rice knew these were just excuses though, and quickly the conversation during their "summits" would change to something else, lately, nothing productive. Despite Rice's insistence on the need to expand, he was outvoted two-to-one every time.
Rice didn't have the heart to tell anypony other than his son the truth: most of his proposed solutions were not made with the triumvirate's approval. The majority of his ideas were shot down by Typhoon and Quartz for any number of reasons, any number of excuses. Powered flight was considered "a threat to pegasi travel", mining had been labeled as a "possible deterrent to research of magical ores" and greenhouses were banned because of the "potential danger to the environment." Fortunately, pegasi and unicorns didn't travel to Ponyville often, even if they hovered over it every hour of the day. Rice had authorized the construction of a series of greenhouses where the shortsighted unicorns and pegasi wouldn't find them: underground.
The schoolhouse was in sight. Other colts and fillies, all earth ponies, were gathering already. Some had their cutie marks and there were some like Vice, who remained blank flanks. Vice sighed as they got closer.
Rice had a feeling what it could be about. "You still worried about getting your cutie mark?"
Vice shrugged. "Well, it's not really that…"
"The other kids don't make fun of you, do they?"
"Not really," Vice said. Some of them did but not much. His class had plenty of blank flanks so there wasn't much picking. "I just… I want my special talent to be something like yours. Something special."
"And why wouldn't it be?" Rice couldn't help it. He bent down and picked his son of the ground and held him tightly. "Oh, there's no pony more special than my little Vice Grip!"
Vice giggled as his father spun him around and then they held each other tightly. "I love you, dad."
"I love you too, son." They nuzzled and kissed. When they were done, Rice let his son down again.
"I just, I really hope I get to help ponies like you do," Vice said.
"Well, to be honest, your cutie mark is more of a guideline," Rice explained. "Like mine; it's just the different varieties of rice grains."
Vice scratched his head. "But, doesn't that mean you're supposed to be good with rice?"
Rice nodded. "I do make rice crackers now and then, more or less just to utilize excess grains and prevent them from going to waste. But I think you may have noticed I also invent things. Your cutie mark just denotes your first special talent, not your only one, the one you can fall back on if you need to. You can have as many special talents as you want."
Vice held his head down, thinking. He finally nodded. "I want to be an inventor. I want to use… earth pony magic. Just like you do."
Rice smiled, knelt down and gave his son a kiss and a nuzzle. "Then that's what you'll do. Speaking of which, we're getting ready to unveil something big soon," Rice said playfully.
Vice's enthusiasm picked up right away. "Your project? The secret one?"
"Mm-hmm," Rice nodded. "Should be ready in just a few days. I'm actually planning on heading to the workshop after the meeting and… I might need some extra help," he winked.
Vice's face lit up. "Really? You mean it?! I can help?!!"
"I'll pick you up right after school and we'll head over to the shop together."
Vice hugged his father tightly right in front of the schoolhouse. "I love you so much, dad."
"I love you too, son." They kissed one more time. "Be good at school today, okay?"
"I will, dad!" Vice said, entering the schoolhouse. "Good luck with the council! I… I hope they say yes!"
Rice smiled confidently. "They will!" he called and waved as the door closed. "Don't you worry! They will!"
The flight from Ponyville was even more uncomfortable then they'd imagined. For Lightning Claw. The broken-horned alicorn tried to focus on the Flutterbird's instrument panel and the sky in front of him but he couldn't lose the sensation that he was being watched. Probably because Dan had insisted on sitting next right next to him in the copilot's seat and hadn't taken his eyes off him since they took off.
"Do you… uh, wanna takeover the controls for a while?"
"Maybe on the flight back. Without you," Dan remarked.
"Unnnng," Lightning sighed. Earning their trust, if it was even possible, was going to be harder than he thought. He had to find a way to get them on his side and also, change the subject to something less awkward and possibly threatening to him. "Your brother and Cadence are safe; they're holding them in the Crystal Palace. Just in their quarters until the trial."
Twilight, in the back along with Phoenix, Chrys and Fluffle Puff, breathed a sigh of relief. "At least they're safe," she said, though her head dipped down. "I know we don't talk much but they're my family. All my friends… mean everything to me. It's hard keeping track of so many different ponies that I care about."
Chrys patted Twilight's back. "You're trying, Twilight. That's why we're here." The two smiled.
Phoenix scratched his chin, strapped in next to Twilight. "What we don't know is why your brother and Princess Cadence would try to destroy the Crystal Heart," he said, thinking aloud. "Why would they want to destroy it? Could they have been framed?"
"The Crystal Heart is a focal point for magical energy across Equestria," Twilight explained. "It's where magic of all types is gathered, focused and reenergized. As new lives, new feelings and new bonds are formed throughout Equestria, they create more magic in the environment. The Crystal Heart is where that magic is pooled and then spread across the globe, reinvigorating all the beings connected to it. It's a way of recharging all the magic in Equestria and helping the environment and all creatures grow."
"It can also be… corrupted," Chrys said, frightened at the thought. "Not that corrupting the Crystal Heart, even feeding off it hadn't crossed my mind at one point, but if Vice or anypony else had done anything to it, we probably would've seen it by now."
Twilight nodded. Princess Celestia had told her long ago that if the Crystal Empire prospered, that prosperity would filter to all Equestria. But if the Crystal Empire had been affected by dark magic, the taint would spread instead, like a plague. There was still much they didn't know about the Crystal Heart but if it was in jeopardy, the consequences could be disastrous for ponies, for all creatures all over the world. And more than one world, too.
But... maybe that was the point. Not that they knew it.
"I don't know what Vice plans on doing with Shining Armor or Cadence," Lightning said loud enough for them to hear. "But I know he wants the princesses distracted."
"I knew it!" Dan declared. "He's planning on nuking Equestria, isn't he? And he wants anypony who can stop him out of the way."
"He's not planning on nuking Equestria," Lightning said, glancing harshly at Dan. "Vice cares about Equestria, he just wants a future for it where the princesses aren't in control. Where magic isn't in control."
"Then why is he building all these doomsday robots?" Dan asked.
"Why do the zebras have them?" Chrys asked, remembering the news broadcast. "Is Vice behind the zebras attacking Saddle Arabia?"
Lightning hesitated before answering. "He is. But he didn't tell me why. He's also persuaded the griffons into attacking the Buffalo League."
"What?!" Dan turned to him.
Twilight and Phoenix practically leapt out of their chairs. "The Buffalo League is under attack?"
"Hey-! Watch the controls! Yes, they're attacking the buffalo!" Lightning answered quickly, the Flutterbird pitching forward slightly before leveling out. "I thought you guys already knew if you knew about Saddle Arabia. It's all over the news."
"We didn't hear anything about the buffalo," Chrys said. "The griffons are attacking them?"
Lightning nodded. "And Apploosa is getting pretty close to the conflict, too. Vice didn't tell me why but he said it was important."
Dan thought of a reason. "Where exactly is this league of buffalo? Pony Wyoming or something?"
"Wy-what? No, the Buffalo League is a group of tribes," Lightning said.
"They're a collection of buffalo tribes living in the plain lands west of Apploosa. Some live in the mesas but they're mostly nomadic. It wouldn't make sense to attack them," Twilight said.
The idea dawned on Phoenix next. "Unless they were in the way."
"And Saddle Arabia? That place is in the far east, right?" Dan asked.
Twilight nodded. "Yes, it's in the desert east of the Zebra Nation."
"And he has control of the Crystal Empire in the north…" Chrys said, rubbing her chin.
"He's hitting every nation around Equestria first," Dan said. "He wants to conquer Equestria and nuke anything that doesn't get in the way. Vice Grip's future realized."
Lightning looked over at Dan again, realizing he couldn't convince him. "I think… you might want to rethink that."
"Why's that?" Dan asked.
Their new ally gestured towards the viewport ahead of them. "Because if it's the future Vice wants… he's already got it."
The Crystal Empire lay directly before them. But the sight of it silenced them all in abstract shock. What they were seeing was part too impossible to believe, part too unbelievable to be possible. For the Crystal Empire before them looked like something that could have only come from one place: the future. Albeit, a very, very dark one.
The skies around the Crystal Empire were dark blankets of gray clouds. The Crystal Palace, which stretched into the sky itself, had turned from its normal lustrous shine to a dark gray, like a spear jutting up from the ground. Or a sword. Above it was a strange shape, almost the size of the base of the palace itself but with a large hole in the center. It rotated around the tip of the palace and as the Flutterbird drew closer, they realized it was an enormous cog. A gear-shaped flying fortress of some kind, clouds pouring out of it and lightning traveling up the length of the Crystal Palace into it.
Other shapes in different colors stretched up to the sky across the empire's landscape. Huge holographic buildings shimmered beneath the overcast, each one a different color. At their feet, the roads of the Crystal Empire and buildings were all dark except for the streets that led from the outskirts all the way to the palace: those glowed red.
Twilight gasped.
"Hoooollleeeee-"
"Thbbbbb…" Fluffle interrupted Dan and Phoenix.
Each of them were awestruck, horrified at what the Crystal Empire had become but they were more terrified of the shapes that moved amongst the houses and streets.
"Are those…?"
"Yes," Lightning said.
Dan swallowed. "A-all of them?"
Lightning looked over to him and silently nodded.
Magic Gears, thousands of the robotic ponies walked the streets pulling various carts and saddlebags full of supplies. Each one was a bit different; some wore armor, some had wings, others had weapons and there were even some that were clearly earth ponies but all of them worked among the buildings of the once-crystal Crystal Empire. Their eyes illuminated the streets as they dug up the roads, tore down structures and mined the ores of the city. They talked amongst themselves, exchanging information like a sisterhood of enormous, metal fillies.
"Pegasisters are doin' it for themselves…" Chrys remarked.
Most of them were the same size as KNIGHT and ACE that Dan had seen earlier. But three larger ones, full-fledged alicorn-sized Gears strode through the less-dense areas of the city
As the Flutterbird flew over the city, the eyes of the Magic Gears tracked them. Some even pointed, as if they'd all been expecting them. "Look," Phoenix pointed out the window. "On the main street."
Glowing red horns, Sword Spells, pointed skyward and lined the streets from the edge of the city to the palace. Each one, with the power to destroy the Empire itself.
"Okay, guys," Lightning flipped some switches on the controls. "This gonna sound kind of… well, this is going to sound really bad, but I'm going to need you to trust me."
"What's going to sound really bad?" Dan asked, worried. "Trusting you? It's going to sound really bad for us to trust you?"
"No," Lightning removed his safety restraints. "I'll contact you when I'm ready to get Shining and Cadence out."
"What's bad about that?"
Before Lightning had a chance to answer, or maybe he just decided not to answer, he teleported in a burst of electro-magic. Leaving the Flutterbird pilotless. The control panel then began to flash red as the craft lost altitude, along with an alarm klaxon.
"Okay… nobody panic!" Dan shouted over the alarm. He grabbed the copilot's controls, trying to remember how Lightning had flown the Flutterbird. The craft shook forcing the occupants to brace themselves against the bulkhead. Just as Dan tried to regain control, the Flutterbird leveled out on its own. The alarm suddenly ceased.
"This is Crystal Control, auto-landing has been engaged," a stern female voice piped through the radio. "Get your hands off the controls, we'll take it from here."
"Nice of them to let us know!" Phoenix said sarcastically, still bracing himself against the side of the wall. Fluffle Puff clutched his left leg while Chrys clutched his right. He could've sworn he felt the changeling rubbing the inside of his thigh but… (I really hope that's turbulence. I REALLY hope that's just turbulence. Running… up and down my leg. Turbulence.)
Spike clung to Twilight now, holding on for dear life. One good thing she could use her wings for was keeping the baby dragon in place as he rode her back.
The craft stopped shaking. They were no longer in free fall. "Is everyone okay?" Twilight asked.
The three in the back nodded at Twilight, though they were still holding onto each other.
Dan, in the copilot's seat, had his arms folded. "Freakin' windowless white sky van. Guy asks us to trust him, then immediately bails out! Great way to start off a new relationship!"
"Dan!" Phoenix called from the back, "You might want to keep the chatter down!"
"Why?"
"That radio might still be-"
"Your pilot bailed out?" the female voice asked. "What about the copilot? What's going on up there?"
Twilight grabbed Dan's shoulder. "Lightning told us to trust him. It might be best not to let them know any details until he contacts us."
"You mean we're actually going to trust him?" Dan whispered.
Twilight nodded.
Dan sighed and picked up the headset. "Um, nothing's wrong, we're fine now, everything's fine. We just had a… slight navigational error. How are you?"
There was a static-silence on the radio for a long moment before the voice came back again. "Combat air patrols two and three, form up with the VIPs and escort them in."
"Roger, control."
It was impossible for any of them to see, even of the other Flutterbirds hadn't formed up behind them. Dan could barely see out of the cockpit and couldn't make out anything but shapes on the ground. But the lights and movement were enough to reveal the Magic Gears, dozens of them moving through the streets. Twilight was still fixated on the Crystal Palace, or, whatever it had become.
"I'm guessing this isn't how the Crystal Empire normally looks," Dan said.
"No, it doesn't," Twilight said. "This was the Crystal Empire… I'm not sure what it is now."
"Whatever Vice wants it to be," Dan remarked, folding his arms. "And I'm pretty sure he wants us to understand that. That's why he wanted us to see… all this."
"You're smarter than you look," the radio spoke again. "But your tour isn't quite over yet."
Dan wasn't surprised at this point, though Twilight was. "Aaaaand it gets worse."
The Flutterbird formation flew around the pillar of steel that was now the Crystal Palace, banking to see what was behind. Beyond the Palace at the outskirts of the city was a better-lit area and it didn't take them long to see why. Other Flutterbirds and Flitterbirds along with smaller and larger craft sat in neat rows, hundreds of them. Bulkier airship-looking craft were along the outsides of the rows, each one slightly larger than a Magic Gear itself. Several of the vehicles were under construction, lights from various towers and beacons on the ground illuminated the entire stretch of flat land in an eerie silver glow.
"It's… some kind of fleet," Phoenix said.
"An invasion fleet," Chrys remarked. "Believe me, I know an invasion when I see one."
"Thppppppppp-thbbbbb…"
"Look! Look!" Spike pointed. "By those blimpy things in the back!"
Twilight squinted to see what he was talking about. "Crystal ponies!" she exclaimed, relieved. Oh, thank Celestia, they're okay."
A few dozen crystal ponies moved about what now clearly resembled a massive heliport in front of them. Twilight was relieved to see that none of them had shackles, which would've been the case if they'd been enslaved by King Sombra again. They seemed to all be working on the various flight craft, refueling them, maintenancing them and preparing them for something. But as she watched them, Twilight began to feel less relieved. Something about this didn't feel right.
"We're beginning the landing sequence, so you might want to hold onto something."
The craft shuddered again, stopping its forward momentum. The feeling of descent quickly hit each of them in the gut, followed by the jostling bumps as the Flutterbird landed. Armor in front of the cockpit's viewport slid into place, preventing them from seeing out as the aircraft's struts finally sunk into the ground.
"You've landed. Get out."
Both doors of the Flutterbird popped open, as if the entire thing had been remote controlled the whole time. The group disembarked slowly, with Dan coming out last as they assembled on the tarmac.
"It's an entire fleet of windowless white vans," Dan remarked, looking around. "He's built an entire creep-fleet."
The others looked around themselves. The crystal ponies were mostly at the other end of the tarmac, a distance of several city blocks away from them.
Spike looked around. "So, where are we supposed to go now?"
"Administrator Vice Grip is expecting you at the Cogthedral," the voice from the radio said, this time coming from the Flutterbird itself. The group turned around to see the doors close on the craft and it take off again. "Proceed there at once and do not deviate from the main road. Security is watching you."
"We have to walk all the way there?" Phoenix asked as the Flutterbird flew away. "Why didn't it just drop us off at the palace? Or whatever it called it?"
"The "Cogthedral"," Dan reiterated. He looked up at the tower that seemed to stretch into the sky itself. They all looked at it, an ominous obelisk at the center of the city. Ahead of them, the road was almost pitch dark except for the glow of Sword Spells lining the curb on both sides. It allowed them only to see what was ahead of them and a little bit of the buildings on either side.
Dark clouds blanketed the skies all around them. Above the former Crystal Palace, however, the clouds were parted like the eye of an enormous storm. Pale light filtered down from above, reflecting the steel gray surface of the formerly pearlescent tower. A massive gear-shaped structure, roughly the size of the base of the palace itself hovered above it, rotating slowly. A quick glance at this structure revealed it was pouring out clouds from various spots along its sides, a massive cloud machine of some kind.
"So…" Chrys said, unenthusiastically, "who wants to travel down the sinister street up to the crystal clear palace of doom?"
"We are NOT walking down the creepy and clearly threatening road," Dan declared.
Spike pointed a thumb over his shoulder. "We could hijack another helicopter if you wanted."
Dan pinched his eyes and balled his fists, trying to contain his rage. Save it for later. "We are NOT taking another one of the windowless white NOW REMOTE CONTROL sky vans."
"So, what are we gonna do?" Chrys asked.
Dan kept his eyes forward. "Vice Grip's taken over so this is his place now. Here's the plan: one, we swipe everything that isn't nailed down. Two, we smash everything that is. Questions?"
Fluffle Puff retreated into her fluff for a moment and retrieved a large lootin' bag and a wizard's hat. "Thmmm-thbbbb." I shall get all the swag! Also, I am a wizard in this scene.
"Err-um, Dan?" Phoenix raised a question.
"Yes, Nicky?"
"Are we… we're not actually going to loot the Crystal Empire…" he looked at all of them. "Um… are we?"
Dan smiled. "Relax, ace. Twilight?" he turned to her.
Twilight actually looked as confident as Dan was. "As a royal guard, Dan is actually authorized to adjust public decorations and structures for safety reasons."
The shorter human patted Phoenix on the back. "And ya know what I think isn't? Vice Grip's security system."
"O-okay," Phoenix said, starting to understand. "So, we're going to steal the security cameras?"
Dan's smile only widened as he turned back to the main road. "Security cameras, motion sensors, trip wars, those floating robot thingies, gun turrets, armories and smoke, fire and solicitor alarms. Vice broke my security system, so I'm gonna break his," the human marched eagerly towards the dark street. Twilight and Fluffle Puff joined him, eager to get to the palace and start the mayhem.
Chrys leaned on Phoenix's shoulder. "Believe it or not Nix, this is the fun part. We're stealing back the Crystal Empire. Let's get going, cutie."
The lawyer's jaw dropped a bit. (C-cutie? Me? What?)
"Let's get going, Nicky! Lots to steal today!" Dan called.
"Yeah, uh,… you guys can focus on the stealing! I'll look for a way we can get it out of the city!" Phoenix yelled back, picking up the pace after them.
"I like where your head's at, Nicky!"
"Me… too." (I'm just hoping I can keep it attached to my neck.)
Dan and company walked briskly down the dark street, excited that they were finally doing something Vice Grip probably wouldn't expect them to do: loot. Yes, they all knew they were probably walking into a trap, not that they had a choice. But they were happy they now had a chance to swipe the cheese and maybe get away with it unscathed. If they disabled enough of the security cameras, that would probably help, anyway.
But the trap had already been sprung. Suddenly, the street underneath them began moving forward, towards the palace they were already walking to.
"What? What's this?" Chrys started panicking.
"Some kind of movable walkway," Dan said. "The kind they have at airports."
"Well, at least we don't have to walk now," Twilight said.
"Citizens of Equestria!" Vice Grip's voice echoed from loudspeakers throughout the city, "Your heroes have arrived!"
"The heck is he talking about?" Dan stopped walking forward, followed by the others. They looked around, puzzled, letting the walkway carry them.
"He can't be talking about us," Chrys said. "Can he?"
"But where are our manners? Ladies, assemble!!"
All around them, Magic Gears began landing at the sides of the street behind the Sword Spells. In two massive rows, the Gears lined up to face the street, glowing eyes illuminating the area further. In an instant, they assembled, two lines that led from where the road began all the way to the palace.
"Rejoice, Equestria, your future has arrived today. What we have all worked so hard to achieve is finally coming to fruition."
The Gears all stood at attention, an almost dizzying amount of metal ponies. Dan turned back and fourth, shock and confusion in what he was seeing. Not even he could take them all on at once and hope to succeed. And if there were so many, why did Vice even bother with messing with them?
"There's… so many," Twilight remarked. "How did they build them all?"
"We have worked hard to forge the tools that will build our future… and now have come the heroes who will use them! The new elements on which the future of Equestria, the future of ponies, the future of all of us will be built! Ladies, attention!!"
Each of the Gears in a simultaneous, unanimous, synchronized motion reached down to the Sword Spells at their hooves and grabbed them, one for each pony. In a single move, each Gear slapped the weaponized horns onto their heads and twisted them, locking each into place as they saluted. The Sword Spells glowed even brighter as they became the horns on each Magic Gear's head, matching their red eyes and bathing the street in a crimson aura.
"This… this is bad," Chrys remarked.
"N-new plan, guys," Dan said, voice wavering. "We swipe the keys to a bomb shelter first. A very, very fortified bomb shelter."
"Ah-I-I agree to that pl-plan," Phoenix seconded.
They looked in awe at each Gear as they passed, as the walkway underneath them continued to carry them through the street. Every one of the Magic Gears was unique, had a different mane style and different colors. Some were pegasi, some were earth ponies, still others wore heavy army and sported different weapons.
Dan and the others were baffled by the numbers and firepower until they noticed one of the Magic Gears with different-colored… and different-positioned eyes. One of the machines in the line had yellow glowing eyes and saluted but was holding a horn to her head rather than having a slot for it to attach to. Something about it made Dan stop and walked against the walkway for a moment.
"Hey… does that look like…?"
Unlike the others, this particular Gear's eyes were oddly off-kiltered; one looked up and the other down at the street, an expression that seemed familiar.
Chrys flew briefly back to Dan's position as the others were carried forward to see what Dan was seeing. "Huh… must be a mail carrier version," Chrys said.
"I guess so…" Dan said, stopping and letting the walkway move him forward again.
The Gear they were examining, still in salute, lowered its head to look at Dan and Chrys. "Hi!" it said cheerfully.
"Hi…" he replied to the robot. The two then let walkway carry them towards the palace once again.
"That was strange," Chrys said.
"Actually, I think that might be the only thing that makes sense about these things," Dan remarked.
The Magic Gear in question, Unit 420-MM(unofficially designated as "Fritzy") leaned forward in line and waved at Dan and the others as they passed. Unlike her sisters, when Fritzy had been built, she was less concerned with her primary directives and more interested in items her database identified as "muffins" and providing messages and deliveries to other ponies. Where this programming came from, neither her nor Vice Grip or any of the other Magic Gears knew but it was something her personality definitely compelled her to investigate.
As Fritzy watched the smaller, softer beings disappear from sight, she lowered her hoof and returned the Sword Spell to its place at her hooves. A subroutine Lightning Claw had installed upon her earlier quickly activated upon seeing Dan, Twilight and the others. This new order seemed a lot nicer than the others, instructing her to immediately depart for Saddle Arabia for some reason. Quietly while her sisters were distracted, she backed out of the line and made her departure. She had a letter to deliver, the thought alone making the machine feel happy.
The iron pillar that was the Crystal Palace grew larger as the group approached. The number of Gears didn't diminish, they even started filling in areas behind the first row at some of the intersections. The group's eyes continued to gaze in disturbed horror at each one of them. They felt more trapped, more threatened now than ever.
"This is really beginning to look like overkill," Phoenix said.
"I think overkill was an understatement two blocks ago, Nix," Chrys said.
"Why would Vice need so many?" Twilight asked the question they all thought. "There's enough warheads here to destroy Equestria…" the words came out of her in a hushed voice, as if she was afraid to speak them.
But Dan was done theorizing. "Whatever it is, his plan conflicts with mine."
"And that is?" Chrys asked.
"Because he plans on doing something with all of this. But I plan on breaking every single bone in his body."
"Well," Chrys began, "I think we know what Vice would say to that. I think he's saying it right now."
"And that is?"
"You and what army."
The walkway finally carried the group to the steps of the castle. The base of the palace was surprisingly well-lit compared to the other parts of the city with lanterns hanging on the legs that supported it.
"Looks like there's been some… remodeling done, here, too," Twilight said, disembarking the walkway.
"How so?" Dan asked.
"All this… this whole facade wasn't here last time," she said. The Crystal Palace was a massive structure, a colossal tower of normally pure crystal supported by three legs that curved up from the city streets into a modest base. Entrance into the palace itself was from these three legs and the area directly underneath the tower itself contained the Altar of the Crystal Heart. That's how it usually looked, anyway, but apparently some asshole had turned the entire base of the palace into a shopping mall.
"FIST Heartview Mall," Chrys read the illuminated sign above the entrance. "What's a segway?"
Underneath the sign were smaller, also illuminated words that read: Free Segway Rental & Parking.
"Vice Grip… turned the Crystal Heart into an attraction for a shopping mall…" Twilight said, heartbroken and confused. Her head sunk.
Dan stared angrily, or normally in his case, at the structure in front of them. "You realize we have to burn this down, right?"
Twilight continued sulking. "Yes…"
The entrance doors to the mall opened, lighting up the gray outside with fluorescent glow. Vice Grip rode out to the group on Cloud Nine. And a segway.
"Hello! Hello, all! Welcome!" he waved to them. "Now, I know what you're thinking!"
"How am I going to run you over with a segway? You were thinking that, too? Wow, we really do think alike!" Dan said in a delighted tone. "Why don't you bend over so we can get started?"
"Dan, calm down," Twilight cautioned.
"Would you like to be buried in the street, cremated or stuffed and mounted? I bet that neobrony7 guy has a few ideas!" Dan continued.
"Dan!" Twilight put a hoof on Dan's chest. "We do NOT break the fourth wall that way."
"What?" Dan asked. "I like shout-outs. And we just walked through an army of NUKES! Now there's a SHOPPING MALL and the bad guy's on a segway! If I don't get to blow up at least HALF this garbage by the time this episode arc is over, I'm going to MAKE this place wish it had disappeared for another thousand years!"
"DAN!" Twilight yelled. "Shout-outs are fine… once in a while. But we can't be that openly violent, not when Vice hasn't done anything wrong."
"Anything… wrong…?" Dan shook. He pointed behind them. "WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?!"
"The future," Vice answered for him, dismounting the segway. "And you're thinking, 'why didn't he do this sooner'?"
"More like, why was this necessary?!" Chrys yelled.
"Hahaha!" Vice laughed. He walked towards them, metal boots creating tremors in the pavement. "It is magnificent, isn't it? A thousand units, the magic number, indeed! It wasn't easy what's worth it never is!"
"Vice Grip, this is wrong!" Twilight said. "One of these things nearly destroyed Ponyville, another one nearly destroyed Canterlot! Why are you doing this?!!"
"We KNOW why!" Dan yelled, stomping forward. "You HATE alicorns, you HATE unicorns, you HATE the magic of Equestria! You're going to use each one of these to destroy it all and take control yourself! That's the future you're trying to create!"
Vice chuckled again. "The future I'm trying to create? No, Dan," he patted the human on the shoulder. "That's the future you are going to create."
Dan shook his head. "What?"
"After all this time, you still think I'm planning on nuking Equestria, don't you?" Vice asked them.
Their heads nodded, Fluffle Puff uttered an affirmative thppp.
"And you're not wrong," Vice informed them an a casual tone. "I do hate the princesses… well, most of the princesses and I'm generally not fond of magic-users. But I'm a scientist, not a warlord and what I look for are long-term solutions."
"What are you talking about?" Phoenix asked. "Solutions to what?"
"To magic," Vice explained. "I hate the fact that magic itself seems to have convenient little destinies for us all to abide to. Magic itself has plans, and all must render unto the princesses' rule. And yes, killing the princesses did occur to me. But that wouldn't solve the problem. And you already know why."
They didn't. Vice waited for them to guess but… none of them did.
The scientist rolled his eyes. "Because Equestria will just make more alicorns! Kill one another just takes its place. No, I want a REAL future for Equestria! An Equestria where anypony can decide their own destiny free of kings, free of rulers, free of magic!"
Dan's eyes went wide. "No… you can't be serious."
Phoenix was next. "No…"
Vice turned to them, fire behind his eyes. "I was planning on ambushing precious little Tia with the first Magic Gear some time ago when who should contact me but Princess Luna. And she told me there was a world, another world just on the other side of our own, one of many. And she was scared by it."
The understanding hit Twilight. "Luna… she saw…"
"Princess Luna was terrified by what she saw there. So much so that she contracted ME to try to find a defense for it, a measure of defense for it. So, I showed her my invention, the first Magic Gear and even gave it to her as a gift to make her feel safe. But what if I could make us both feel safe? What if there was a way to accomplish both our goals… at the same time?"
"You can't."
Vice laughed again. "Of course I couldn't! But it had to be perfect, nothing could be left to chance so I requested that Luna summon someone, a human that would understand. And it couldn't be just any person; it had to be a human that hated his own kind, that hated other people so much that he would be WILLING to wipe them all off the face of the Earth!!"
Twilight turned to Dan. "But… that would mean…"
Dan shook his head. "No. No, I'm not doing it."
Vice smiled at the human. "Humans do not just appear in Equestria for no reason; they're summoned here for a purpose. Luna contracted me to provide the perfect defense for Equestria, Dan. And that's what Magic Gear is for. That's why they're perfect!" he stepped forward. "Because there's no defense like a good offense."
"You were planning this all along…" Phoenix said, stepping back. "You're planning a preemptive strike on Earth."
Vice shook his head. "Once again, you fail to fully grasp the situation. I'm not planning on doing anything, Dan. You are."
"What does that mean?!!" Dan raged. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!!!!"
"The answer's been staring you right in the face this whole time…"
Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship
Dan is Vice Grip
"Oh, and I'd like to give a shout-out to Booster Spice and Mr. Dollars," Vice said, grinning at the camera. "Betcha didn't see that coming."
"While we're at it, I'd also like to give a shout-out to my friend Dr. Eggman who-"CRANG!! Before Vice could finish his sentence, Dan had snuck up behind him with the segway. During the villain's attempted reference, the human had managed to retrieve Vice's luxury scooter and, wielding it like a baseball bat, had attempted to smack Vice Grip in the side of the head with it.
That had been the plan, anyway.
"What… the…"
Vice turned his head to Dan and smiled. "See? We are a lot alike."
Dan wasn't sure what had happened exactly but somehow, Vice had anticipated his attack. With a single outstretched metal gauntlet, Vice had blocked the segway mid-strike and held it in midair. He grabbed the scooter from Dan with the same hand and lowered it to the ground like retrieving a dangerous object from a child.
Chrys looked dumbfounded at the display. "How did he…?"
"No…" Dan shook his head. "No, no WAY you have some kind of super-reflexes or some garbage."
"I don't," Vice happily replied. "But I don't need to when I can see your reflection in the camera lens," he said, turning back to face the camera. "And I'd like to say to the good doctor, I found your design for the Egg Carrier to be truly inspiring. I'll be taking it."
"Dan, I don't think that's a good idea while he's got those gloves on," Phoenix said.
"Why not? It's six of us against one of him. You're a lawyer, she's a magical princess, she's a magical queen, Spike's a dragon and we don't even know what Fluffle Puff is," Dan said.
Phoenix scratched his chin, noticing Dan left something out. "And what are you, in all of this?"
"I'm me."
"Uh, right," the lawyer remarked. "Good point."
"You hold him down, I'll hit him with the segway," Dan said enthusiastically.
"And what if his gloves trigger the sword spells or something?" Phoenix asked.
Twilight's eyes went wide. "That could be exactly what he wants!"
"Hahaha," Vice chuckled. "Yes, the thought of using Dan's rage had occurred to me but there were too many variables involved. Instead, I have more proper motivations for you."
"And those are?" Dan asked.
Vice waved a metallic hand to his side. "Come now, Dan, let's not be so hostile. This can all work to your advantage and you'll see I really do have Equestria's best interests at heart. But for now, if you'll come with me, I've-"
The doors to the shopping center opened. Out poured bright, fluorescent light eclipsed by a shadowy figure. The group turned their attention to the cloaked individual as they practically hovered towards them.
"We have a problem," the hooded figure said to Vice, loud enough for the others to here.
"And… this is who exactly?" Chrys asked.
"Or what," Dan added.
Phoenix took a step back. "It's… it's you!"
The hooded figure lifted its hood briefly revealing a pale muzzle and an almost scarred-looking smile. "Hello Mr. Wright," the creature said in almost sing-song voice.
"You're the one who gassed me in Canterlot!" the lawyer said, pointing.
"I didn't want you ruining the surprise, Nick. I'm sure you understand," the Director said. The upright figure then turned to Vice.
"What's the problem?" Vice asked.
"Zeal's troops have dealt with Celestia and Luna quicker than anticipated. They're on their way to Canterlot now- will be there in two days."
"Is there any way we can speed up the others?"
"Not at this time, no," the Director lowered his head again, allowing the hood to obscure his face once more. "More direct action may be necessary."
"So?" Vice asked. "We'll send Lightning Claw."
"Wait a minute," Twilight interrupted. "What did you mean about Celestia and Luna?"
"Yeah!" Spike walked up. "What's going on with them?"
Twilight had had enough. She advanced forward on the pair, wings spread and horn glowing. "I've had enough of your games, professor. Where are my brother and sister? Now, Vice Grip!" she stomped.
Vice, suddenly feeling threatened, turned to Twilight. "I'll take you to them right away," he quickly leaned in to the Director and whispered, "Send Lightning Claw to slow them down."
"That's the other thing. Lightning's not responding."
Vice pinched his brow. "Okay… we'll just have to improvise, then. Get back to base and prepare the network."
The Director's smile reappeared again. "And the Stables?"
"And the Stables," Vice said.
"Now!!" Twilight demanded.
"Quit stalling!" Dan added.
"Of course," Vice said, smiling. He began leading the group towards the entrance of the mall. "I'm sure Shining Armor and Cadence will be happy to see you."
Dan and company followed the scientist into the shopping mall. Immediately, the vicinity felt both familiar and wrong to each of them. The shopping mall was circular, a ring of restaurants around them leading away from the entrance. Directly ahead of them, the floor lowered into a central area where tables and chairs surrounded a hexagonal hub of elevators in the center. Enormous tubes of crystal lead up to the ceiling and further up, with multiple floors attaching to the central shaft via walkways.
"Well… at least the Crystal Ponies are all right," Chrys commented.
"Um…" Phoenix looked around. "Are they?"
All around them and throughout the hive-like shopping mall were the crystal ponies… or, at least they should've been. Twilight noticed right away that their coats were no longer shimmering like crystal. But they did shimmer like something else: steel.
"What… what have you done?" Twilight asked, gasping.
"Like what I've done with the place? Convenience is a fringe benefit to bringing the future to Equestria but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it," the villain remarked.
Dan recognized all too much, as did Phoenix. Restaurants and businesses in Equestria, while many mirrored Earth's brands, were not entirely the same. Some paralleled, some contrasted but the ones in Vice's shopping mall were genuine. They weren't ponifications, they weren't mirrors, these were the actual franchises. It made Dan's skin crawl.
All around him were things Dan had personally declared he would get revenge on. And that's when he realized… they were all the things he listed in his phone and texted to Chris. The last thing he did on Earth.
Sid Meyer's Taco Island, Starbucks, Burgerphile, Happy Hocotate Savings & Loan, Go Nook Yourself, Malo Express Mart, Commander Shepard's Flavorite Snow Cone Store on the Citadel(requested by Lightning Claw), a Poke'Mart, two identical Hot Topics right next to each other, a branch of the animal shelter Dan tried to burn down, the bank that declined Chris' credit card when he tried to use it, the other bank that declined Elise' credit card, debit card and phony checks written by her when Dan tried to cash them, every entity Dan had sworn revenge upon was arrayed around him like a galleria of hatred. In the back behind the elevators, there was even a gallery Dan hated.
"Huh…" Phoenix remarked. "Sure is a lot of selection around here. But no sushi place? That's a bit odd."
"Why's that?" Dan asked, voice angry but clearly not at Phoenix.
"Well, I'm used to there being asian restaurants in places like this," the lawyer commented. "I don't see one here."
Dan turned to the taller human. "Where are you from on Earth, exactly?"
Phoenix shrugged. "Usually either Los Angeles or Tokyo, depending on the version."
"Ah yeah," Dan said. "In the German version of Dan Vs., I'm from Munich."
"Really?"
"No."
"What have you done to the crystal ponies?" Twilight asked, following Vice closer than the others. "Why do they look like-"
"Twilight," Chrys grabbed her by the shoulder, "look." She pointed to the central elevator core.
In between the elevators was the original pedestal that held the Crystal Heart. But the Crystal Heart now didn't look anything like a crystal. The iconic artifact so important to the empire, so important to Equestria looked more like kid's science experiment than a sacred jewel. Tubes and wires were connected to it, running from the top and sides at equal intervals down the length of the pedestal and even up into the ceiling. The heart itself looked like a piece of iron, a heart-shaped chunk of metal pressed out of a sheet.
Twilight broke from her friends' side and ran to it, then flew. She didn't even realize she was using her wings as they carried her as quickly as they could to the artifact.
"The… the Crystal Heart! What did you do to it?!" Twilight said, on the verge of tears.
"Twilight!!" her brother's voice called.
"Shining!" she called back. Her head twisted, searching for him. Her heart sank as the thought crossed her mind: was he somehow inside the Crystal… or Steel Heart?!
"Down here!"
Twilight realized she was standing on a glass floor. She looked down to see Shining and Cadence underneath her hooves in another room, an antechamber of some sort.
"Twily, we're so happy to see you!"
"I'm happy to see you!" Twilight said back.
"Thank goodness you came!" Cadence said.
Twilight focused her magic, trying to teleport but something went wrong. Instead of teleporting, she smacked right up against the glass.
"It's no good, Twilight," Shining said. "It's some kind of anti-magic barrier. The same kind that was in front of the castle just last month."
"We'll get you out! We'll get you out, somehow! Just hang in there!" Twilight turned around. Again, she kicked off the ground and flew without even really thinking about it. Her friends were proud of her for doing so but she wasn't looking at them. Twilight's eyes were fixated directly on Vice Grip.
The scientist wore a smug smile. "I think you grasp the situation now."
"I do," Twilight said stoically. "Dan, get me the segway."
"I… I thought you'd never ask," Dan said, delightedly stunned. A smile crested over his face as Twilight had said the word, uplifting him in more ways than one. He practically teleported outside himself, dashing through the mall entrance with speed only possible in a cartoon and in a flash had returned with the Segway.
He presented it to Twilight, overjoyed. "I love you magic purple pony."
Chrys' eyes lit up. "I can be violent, too! Somepony get me a segway!!"
Spike looked around. "I think that might've been the last one."
The changeling queen's heart sank as another chance to impress Dan escaped her. The purple dragon patted her drooped head. "I feel ya, sister."
But Twilight's gaze was fixated on Vice Grip. Her magical aura enveloped the scooter and levitated it into the air.
Vice's own eyes were alert. Cautious but not afraid. Twilight didn't care; he'd gone too far. Messing with her friends and family was not something she would allow in any sense, under any circumstances. There was doubt in her heart. She would do what was needed.
The purple princess advanced upon the scientist, eyes narrow. "You have exceeded your authority, professor," she said, venom in her tone. She gestured the handle of the segway at him, almost forcing him to lean back. He did so anyway, unexpectedly threatened. But when it looked like she was going to hit him with it, she turned around, still holding the scooter in her magical grasp.
"But… but… but…" Dan watched in dismay as Twilight walked away, back to the elevator bank.
Chrys trotted up to her side. "Twilight, are you-"
"I know what I'm doing."
The sharpness in Twilight's voice stopped Chrys in her tracks. It hadn't been directed at her but it was clear she wasn't going to let anything, or anypony get in her way. Something had happened to Twilight that Chrys had never really seen before: she was angry.
Dan walked up to Chrys' side. He didn't say anything but a quick glance at his expression informed her that he was no longer happy to see Twilight this way. But some pony else, just behind the group but ever watchful, was.
Twilight approached the central area again, the altar surrounded by tubes. Wires and pipes of all kinds ran from the Steel Heart up to the ceiling and down into the floor around them, some even into the the room her brother and Cadence were begin kept in. All of it looked wrong. And felt worse. Her magic lifted the segway higher.
"Twilight, what are you doing?" Shining asked, seeing her from down below.
"I'm getting both of you out! Both of you, hide behind a shield now!"
"Twilight!"
The segway came down like a hammer, bashing into the crystal floor. The force of the blow bent the scooter at an odd angle, causing a novelty horn to play. While ruining the segway, Twilight's efforts had no visible effect on the floor. Usually, Twilight would've examined the effect her attempt made before continuing. Her mind was analytical and rarely did she do anything without studying the immediate result afterward. But this was anything but usual.
Twilight gritted her teeth and smacked the scooter into floor even harder, breaking the plastic case. Again and again she slammed the segway into the ground, turning it quickly into metallic pulp. White smears appeared on the crystal, streaks where the plastic struck the surface but no cracks appeared. The floor shook from the force of each blow. Several of the elevator doors dinged and opened but no pony was inside.
Dan and the others had never seen Twilight act with such rage. It was honestly scary. But not to one pony.
"Fascinating…" Vice remarked. The utterance of words was enough to draw the attention of the others who noticed him penciling something down on a notepad. It was only more evidence that Vice Grip was manipulating them all, including Twilight. "Absolutely fascinating."
And that was enough for Dan. "Where do you get off?!"
"Whatever do you mean?" Vice asked innocently, quickly pocketing the notepad.
"Why are you making her do this?!"
Vice chuckled. "But Dan… she's don't this all on her own. I don't control Princess Twilight Sparkle. Age twenty-two, Golden Oakes Library, Ponyville, Equestri-"
"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" Dan roared. "You dangle her family like a worm on a hook in front of her and… and…" he just realized what he said. But he had no idea what it meant. He shook his head, now angry at his own confusion. "WHY THE FRIK ARE YOU DOING THIS?!!"
"Dan," Phoenix said. "I think you might want to calm down."
"Nicky, get me another segway."
"Dan…"
"NICK! I am calm," Dan declared, not even turning around. "And I'm gonna CALMLY beat the snot out of this arrogant piece of-"
"Dan!" Chrys yelled.
"WHAT?!"
Too late. Dan turned around not fast enough to see all the eyes of the steel ponies staring at them. Spike and Fluffle Puff huddled in a ball of dragon-puffiness.
Slowly, Dan turned back to Vice Grip. "Oh, you son of a bitch. You SON OF A BITCH! You're trying to make US look like the bad guys!"
Vice shrugged. "Well, your friend is defacing public property, trying to free a pair of suspected arsonists."
"I'm gonna stick your head up your OWN arse if Twilight-"
*Crang! KRSSSH!* The sound of the segway exploding and clattering to the floor cut Dan off. He turned to see Twilight, now down on her knees. But her rage had fizzled out.
"I… I can't…" she muttered, panting. "I can't break it. I'm not… strong enough."
"It's… it's okay, Twilight," Cadence said, holding Shining and being held by him.
"You tried your best, little sis," Shining added.
She nodded, tears falling from her eyes. She gripped the remains of the scooter again, part of the wheels on its base and hit it against the floor feebly with her magic. When it barely even made a thud, she threw it at the steel heart in frustration.
Much to everyone's surprise, the heart-shaped artifact smashed to pieces when the remains of the segway collided with it. The heart itself broke open and the base holding it up fell, as if it was made of tin. It clattered to the floor, spilling thousands of crystal beads on the ground.
"What?" Twilight asked, looking around.
Chrys walked over and picked one up. "Uh… I don't think this was the Crystal Heart."
Dan and the others followed suit, wading into the beads. "Well, if that wasn't the mcguffin, what the heck was it?"
"Nice," Vice said, unamused. "You just broke my crystal popcorn popper. Great job."
"Popcorn?" Chrys asked, examining the beads. "Oh… I get it. It's unpopped so it's still a crystal…"
Spike picked up a handful and munched them right off the floor. "Not bad. Needs salt. Maybe some crystal butter."
Fluffle smacked the back of his head. "Thpppp!"
"Hey, what was that for?!"
"Thpp-thppddppdd-thpp-thpp!"
Chrys looked over her shoulder. "She says, "The five second rule doesn't apply when we're in the bad guy's shopping mall."
"Oh…" Spike said. "I'm sorry. I'm kinda hungry, though. Can't blame me; haven't eaten since this morning."
"Well," Vice said nonchalantly, "if you're all done trying to vandalize public property, I'm willing to help us reach a solution that we all can benefit from. If you'll allow me to explain."
Dan shook an angry finger at him. "Oh no no no no NO, you've HAD your chance to explain! You've tried to kill me on at least two different occasions-"
"Three," Vice corrected. "Or four. I may have lost count myself."
Dan blinked as fury built behind his eyes. "You can explain it in a jail cell, because I've had ENOUGH of your-"
"Dan…" Twilight stopped him. She sat on the floor looking through the crystal but not at her brother and Cadence. She looked away and past the surface, past everything, as if understanding how foggy things were through the scratched-up crystals beneath her. "We're gonna hear him out."
"We're not ACTUALLY going through with this are we?"
Twilight sighed. "We… are."
"GrrrrrAAAAARRRGGGGGRRrrrrr," Dan groan-growled. And Twilight, and all of the others, sympathized with him. But there was nothing any of them could do to change it. And for once, Twilight was feeling defeated.
Vice smiled. "Well, if you'll all just follow me to the elevator, I think you'll find we can be very agreeable."
Twilight started, then Chrys and the others quickly followed her. Her pace quickly slowed, though, her head dipping low as the feeling of powerlessness overtook her.
Phoenix walked up beside her. "Hey, don't despair, Twilight. It's not over yet."
"But he's winning," Twilight said.
"No," Phoenix corrected, "it just means we're playing by his rules for the moment. But just because it's his game doesn't mean we can't play it our way."
"You're right," Twilight said, nodding. "And we can win it." She quickly ran back to the altar, brushing some of the crystal beads aside to see her brother again.
"Hang in there, guys! We're going to get you out!"
"I know you will, Twily!" Shining called back.
"Be careful!" Cadence warned. "And please, keep an eye out for Nightshade! We haven't seen him since we told him to call you."
"Okay, I will! Just hold on!"
"We will!"
Twilight ran back to the elevator to join the others, edging quickly in just as the doors closed.
Vice reached his foreleg gauntlet through the others to hit the button at the side of the door. The elevator lurched upward and the awkward ascent to the second level began accompanied by music from the local radio station.
"Up next, we've got the latest track from Flash Sentry and the Political Prisoner Band. They call this song 'Help Me Please I'm Being Held Against My Will' and they say it's based on a true story. Here's one from the heart, Crystal Empire."
Fortunately, the radio faded out as the elevator began to move upward. The transparent windows around them lead a perfect view of the mall, which was, they had to admit, impressive. The steel ponies all moved about, shopping and even talking to one another. But there was a rigidness in the way they walked, little expression in their faces. They looked determined, changed but none of them understood how.
Twilight noticed all their cutie marks had the same purple cog-shaped ring around them now. It was clear indication Vice had done something to brainwash them, control them somehow but there was no indication of what he'd done. But they all seemed… somehow, hostile. At her and maybe even at the world. What had changed?
"We're in a small room with him now," Dan said, not even bothering that Vice was right next to him. "We could kill him and make it look like an accident. No one would know."
Vice smirked. "Security cameras, Dan. And if any harm comes to me, I'm afraid Shining and Cadence would find themselves in for quite a shock, if you catch my meaning."
Dan growled again, seething. The others remained silent as the elevator continued to ascend. The doors finally dinged and opened, Vice shoving past the group to be the first out.
"So, I was thinking we all sit down and maybe have a nice meal at the Cheesecake Factory, discuss this whole thing," the villain suggested.
"Oh, sure," Dan said sarcastically. "Let's all just forget the diabolical plan for the moment and have cheesecake with the douchebag. That's a great idea."
"They actually have quite a large menu and-"
"I'm not hungry," Twilight said, walking past Vice.
Chrys shrugged. "I like cheesecake."
"Splendid, I'll get us a table," Vice jumped on the small amount of approval he obtained.
The Heartview Mall's Cheesecake Factory was situated towards the south-west end of the second floor with a balcony eating area directly in front of it overlooking the first floor. It was the same chain restaurant Dan and Phoenix knew about from Earth though neither of them had ever eaten at one; Dan because of his previous lactose intolerance and Phoenix because it was usually outside his price range.
Vice Grip ordered drinks for the group and even a cheesecake for Chrys, Fluffle Puff and Spike to share, them being the only ones who were hungry. They were served almost immediately because of the steel ponies' newfound dedication to efficiency and also because like the chain on Earth, no one else was there.
"This is what I was able to build in a week," Vice said, diving right into the subject as they all got settled. "This is the future. Not just for Equestria but for all of us. Convenience, innovation, fulfillment. And this is just a taste of what's to come."
"So, you want me to nuke Earth so you can build shopping malls for ponies?" Dan asked.
"Earth already has plenty of shopping malls," Phoenix said. "That's all the future is to you? Cheap stores, scooters and helicopters?"
Vice sipped his drink. "That's what the future is for a lot of humans, in case you hadn't noticed. No, what I want is the future Equestria was robbed of. A chance for us to build things with our minds instead of magic."
As they discussed, Chrys, Spike and Fluffle munched on the cheesecake. "Hmm," Chrys said. "This cheesecake is kinda strong."
Fluffle didn't notice, instead continuing to lick the frosting off one of the pieces.
"Why do you need to nuke Earth to do that?" Twilight asked. "Why can't you just find a piece of Equestria to build your techno-city or whatever in?"
Vice folded his metal hands. "You know why…" he said, angry.
"The princesses," Phoenix surmised.
Vice nodded. "More or less. Magic is a part of this world, even part of ponies and I can't deny that. But we're so ingrained in it we can't function without it. What we need is a fresh start."
Chrys nibbled on the cheesecake, trying to understand why it tasted so strong. "Why does this cheesecake taste so… off? What did they make this out of?"
"And you want that fresh start to be Earth," Dan said. "And all you have to do to get it is lay waste to all of humanity."
Vice innocently shrugged. "More or less. I have a lot of respect for the humans. Honestly, I have nothing against you guys but I feel ponies can do a lot better with your potential. I mean, seriously, it seems like both our worlds have what the other is lacking. I mean, why else would you two love it here so much?"
"I DO love it here," Dan said. "You're right; humanity COULD learn a thing or two from the ponies. BUT THEY'RE NOT GONNA LEARN ANYTHING IF YOU BLOW THEM ALL UP!" he slammed his fist on the table.
Chrys scraped some of the frosting off the rest of the cheesecake. "Oh gawd… it's not a cheesecake. THEY JUST PUT WHIP CREAM ON A CHEESE WHEEL AND CALLED IT CAKE!!" The changeling queen fell off her chair, gagging.
Fluffle Puff shrugged and continued eating the cheese… cake.
Spike put his piece back on its plate. "The cheesecake was a-"
"Thppp," Fluffle interrupted.
"What did that mean?" he asked Chrys. "Lie?"
"Actually, that just meant 'thppp'," Dan answered for Chrys, who was gagging on the floor.
"So, if we don't nuke Earth, you're going to keep doing this to the Crystal Empire," Twilight guessed at the rest of Vice's plan.
"I don't want to hurt Equestria," Vice said. "Seriously, I know the company I'm in. If I try to go up against the princesses or even you directly, I could wind up as a lawn ornament like Discord or sent to the sun, moon or tartarus. I'm not an idiot."
Dan grinned. "You say that and yet you're the one who just built a crap ton of nukes and parked them all around your fancy new mall."
Vice frowned. "Maybe… maybe you should see the whole plan. Before you have a chance to decide. You'll see why I'm doing what needs to be done."
"Uh huh," Dan said, leaning back. "Somehow I doubt that."
After dinner, the group went to get Chrys' stomach pumped and after that, Vice led them back to the elevators and into the upper levels of the once-Crystal Palace. The shopping mall was partially built into the base of the palace itself, the two structures connected with the elevators allowing access to the different floors. Although the remodeling was still new, already it was a solid integration. Twilight had to admit it was a bit more efficient than the older stairways but right now, it was the farthest thing from her concern.
"I have to admit, building all of this so quickly wouldn't be possible without magic," Vice said. The elevator doors opened and he led the group into a large command center. Like the mall, the center of the large room contained the bank of elevators and walkways extended to the corners in a hexagonal shape. Unlike the mall, the room was darker and had less unoccupied space. Rows of computers, terminals and consoles stretched from the center of the room to the walls, most of them occupied by ponies in uniform. Twilight and company noticed none of them appeared to be crystal ponies.
On the walls where the restaurants had been below were enormous screens and banks of monitors. The screens flipped between images Dan recognized, cities on Earth. The banks of monitors each were live feeds from cameras all throughout Equestria. Some showed video of Ponyville and Canterlot, others displayed transmissions from the Stables. Spritebots hovered around, checking cables and readings, tinkering with things all throughout the room. It resembled an enormous electronic insect hive.
"This is our operations hub. Here, we're able to see everything that goes on in multiple dimensions, not just Earth and Equestria. From here, we'll be able to coordinate the entire invasion," Vice explained, leading them to one of the terminal stations at the side of the room. The others were speechless, eyes frozen on the various monitors. Each one of them showed people and ponies, innocents that could be potential targets. Vice had his sights on every last one of them, wherever they were. There were even a few cameras in Canterlot High, the school Twilight visited in an alternate dimension the last time she was in the Crystal Empire.
"You still haven't explained exactly why you're targeting Earth," Phoenix said. A couple monitors showed feeds he recognized briefly: his desk from the Wright Anything Law Offices. Had Vice set up cameras in his office the entire time? Or just since he'd been to Equestria?
Vice Grip turned around, clasping his gloves behind his back. "I really don't hate humanity. Honestly, I find you inspiring. How you were able to build so much without magic is truly astounding, a testament to your species' resolve. And despite what you might think, humanity isn't as self-destructive as you were lead to believe."
One of the terminals behind Vice flipped to an image of Earth, of a national park. Vice tapped two fingers on his glove and changed the channel to various other cities on Earth: New York, London, Paris, Tokyo, to name a few. "Sure, humanity has been destructive but it actually hasn't had the major impact you thought it has. Yes, in spite of what you were told about the nature of man, you're not going to be the death of Earth," he flipped the channel to a bar graph. "In fact, your technology is actually on its way to solving all of Earth's current problems. Our current projections see humanity bringing the climate back into balance, ending the major conflicts and colonizing and terraforming other planets by the end of the decade. It's truly marvelous."
"So wait, Earth isn't doomed?" Dan asked.
"Kinda contradicts that song earlier, Dan," Chrys commented. It caused Dan to growl frustratedly.
"Not from itself or humanity, no. It's quite remarkable, actually, for all the harm your species has done, you're going to fix it all quite nicely. Unfortunately, I cannot allow this to happen," Vice said.
"So why are you telling us then?" Phoenix asked. The attorney was getting angry himself but did his best not to show it. Every word spoken was a move in a greater game, each time Vice spoke it presented more of his strategy. But it may have been too late for strategy: this was the endgame.
Vice smiled politely, walked over and patted the human on the shoulder. "I just wanted to let you know it's no hard feelings. Obviously, you and Dan will be spared but the rest of your kind will be vaporized into particles of pre-animate matter. Human civilization will be reduced to the ashes upon which I will build a new Equestria, one guided by the power of science and-"
"Uh huh, uh huh, yeah," Dan stopped before Vice could begin another tangent. "We get the idea. It's still not happening. You want your own planet, try Mars. Or maybe the surface of the sun is more your game; there are plenty of planets in this galaxy or the next."
"That's right," Twilight said, perking up somewhat. "Vice Grip, you have an amazing aptitude at science. With your technology, maybe you could colonize another planet, maybe help ponies and humanity to better-"
"Twilight," Vice stopped her, smiling. "Innocent Twilight, don't you think I've thought of that already? If there was a viable alternative, don't you think I would be pursuing it?"
Twilight averted her eyes. "Errr, uhhhh…"
Fluffle Puff, who had somehow snuck up to Vice's side when he wasn't looking, nudged him.
"Hmm? What is it?" Vice looked down at the fluffy mare to see something in her mouth, like she was presenting it to him. He reached down and received it from her.
""Please don't nuke the humans"," Vice read. "Aww, isn't that cute, audience? She wants to save all of you bipeds. That's so sweet."
Fluffle Puff nodded. She would use all of her adorableness, everything in her power to save humanity and the bronies that loved her so much. They were her friends and friends didn't let friends get nuked. Or something like that.
Vice patted the pony on her fluffy head. "That is adorable but I'm sorry, I have to nuke the humans. That's just the way it has to be."
"Thppp," Fluffle said.
"That means 'turn it over'," Chrys explained.
Still holding the note, Vice Grip flipped it over and read it. ""Go fuck yourself"."
"Bbbah haha!" Dan laughed. The others quickly followed suit, as did a few of the technicians in the command center.
It took Vice a full moment to realize he was being insulted. He closed his fist, crumpling the note. "You know, I COULD target whatever city FluffyMixer lives in first. Heck, I could probably nuke all the Bronycons and he'd be at one of them."
"Exactly, because you don't HAVE a good reason to destroy the planet," Dan said. "No matter what you've said, you're just mad that things in Equestria didn't work out the way you wanted them to and I feel ya man, I do. Same thing happened with me and Earth but guess what? I MOVED. Well…" Dan stopped a thought. "Technically, I just kind of wound up here but THE POINT IS, I'm happy here and I don't need to be mad at the place I'm from. But that DOESN'T mean I want to see it nuked!"
Vice frowned. "There's one more thing you need to see, another reason why things sadly must be this way." He led them hurriedly to a smaller room, an antechamber or possibly a closet off the side of the command center. Dan and Chrys noticed it looked less like a command center the further from the center they got- some of the terminals were arcade and pinball machines, they spotted an air hockey table and there were even a couple of the uniformed FIST ponies playing Dance Dance Revolution.
Dan and the group had difficulty fitting inside because of the cramped space. Away from the noise of the other computer banks, they heard a louder static noise that seemed to be coming from the room.
Vice Grip turned on a single light above them. "This arrived in Equestria approximately twenty minutes before you did, Dan."
In the middle of the small room was a box on a table. To Dan and Phoenix, it resembled a stereo or some similar electronic piece of hardware. It was mostly black, rectangular and had a handle built into the top but wasn't as modular as any commercial boom box or CD player.
"And this is…?" Dan asked.
"Let me show you," Vice said. He flipped a single switch on the machine's side. An almost panicked voice began speaking:
"-TTA Flight eighteen-thirteen out of-*ERZZZZT* cannot land, we're off course and our instruments are not responding, navigational systems are- ERSSH-SH-SHSSHHHZT"
"That's-that's the black box from my plane!!" Dan exclaimed, eyes wide in fear. "How did you get that?! WHERE did you get that?!"
"It's much more than a black box," Vice explained. He flipped the switch on the machine and it fell silent again. "We've examined it to find out more about it. It's actually a clever disguise but if you are able to detect the signal, there's something strange about it."
"What would be strange about a black box?"
Vice shook his head. "It's not a black box. It's transmitting topographical and atmospheric data across dimensions to a secure location."
"And what does that mean?" Dan asked.
"It's not transmitting a distress signal; it's broadcasting targeting data. This box is a highly sophisticated military strike beacon," Vice explained, his tone serious.
"But… why would a commercial airline be carrying a targeting beacon?" Phoenix asked.
Vice shrugged. "Why would a commercial airliner veer almost four-hundred miles off course? Probably to make it look like an accident."
Dan was slow to understand. "What are you saying? That… that those pilots INTENTIONALLY made a navigational error?"
Vice shook his head. "It wasn't an error at all, Dan. Someone on board your plane wanted it to fly into the middle of the pacific because that's where a dimensional rift would occur. They then covertly dropped this package off and it fell through… into our world. They just didn't plan on you being delivered with it."
Phoenix pieced it all together, though. "So this is why you're doing all of this…"
"Because if I don't, Equestria will fall. And I'd rather see it be strip mined by me than bipeds from another dimension," Vice smiled.
"Who? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!"
Twilight just starred at the box, almost looking through it. She remained completely silent.
Chrys patted Dan on the back. "He's saying Earth is planning on invading Equestria."
"So, you understand now, why humanity's presence can't be tolerated," Vice said, leading them back to the elevators. "If there was a spell or a button I could press and just make everything work out for everyone, I'd use it. But, there are limits to both science and sorcery, so we just have to do what we can. This way just works best for both worlds," he explained.
Dan and the others had been silent since Vice had told them about the black box, about the invasion. Now, for the third time today, they were in the silence of the crystalline elevator traveling down into Vice Grip's no-longer-crystal palace. Even Fluffle Puff understood the implications of what Vice had revealed and had not uttered so much as a "thppp" in response.
Vice noticed their silence. No matter how good his hand was, he still needed them to make a move in order for things to continue. Otherwise, even having the upper hand was worthless. Still, maybe he hadn't told them everything. He turned to the lawyer.
"Phoenix, you… happened to notice the pony in the hood at the entrance?"
The attorney said nothing but shifted uncomfortably.
"I believe you had met them before?"
"I… have," Phoenix replied. "You're referring to the Director, right? Yes, I met… him… earlier in Canterlot."
"As a matter of fact, so did I, a couple years ago," Vice said in a casual tone. The change in conversation from doomsday to chitchat unnerved the group, to say the least, save Vice Grip. "He's a bit of an interesting fellow, isn't he?"
"Didn't you say he attacked you?" Dan asked Phoenix. "The guy that gassed you at the anniversary? That was him?"
The lawyer nodded. "Yeah, that was him. Or… whatever he is."
"Whatever he is?" Chrys asked. "What do you mean?"
Vice clasped his hands in front of him. "The Director is… well, I think he was a pony at some point. Like Lightning Claw, something happened to change him though I assume it was a bit more complicated than just growing a horn or manifesting strange powers. To be honest, I don't know that much about him but he seems to be very-well connected."
"He wanted to collect me," Phoenix said.
"Well, he-wait, what?"
Eyes went wide all throughout the elevator. Even Vice was shocked.
"Collect you," Twilight repeated. "Like a trophy or something?"
"I don't know," Phoenix said. He turned to Vice. "That's all he said. I had a feeling he wanted someone else, too and went to go get them. I escaped by breaking down the door to the closet I was being held in while he was gone. You're saying you weren't aware of this?"
Vice shrugged defensively. "I knew he prevented you from disrupting Twilight at the anniversary but… it seems he left out a detail."
"Who is he, exactly?" Twilight asked. "He's part of your organization?"
"He owns it."
Dan's eyes went wide. "WHAT?"
Vice grinned. "Heh, you think FIST just popped up all on its own? No, my plan was originally far less complex than nuking the Earth. Before the Director showed up, I didn't even know Earth existed."
Twilight and Phoenix turned to face Vice as he explained to Dan. With the two of them butting heads, this was the time to glean information. From anything they said.
"Originally, my plan was just to use the first Magic Gear to attack Canterlot, get rid of Celestia, Luna, deal with… you and your friends and-"
Twilight's magic lifted Vice and very carefully pinned him to the wall. The aura around him pulsed a brighter purple-red, the edges vibrating more rapidly than usual.
Vice smiled at Twilight. "It's nothing personal, I assure you. Not against you, anyway."
Twilight's glare did not waver. She didn't even blink. "I don't care, Vice Grip. I really, really don't care." Her words were that of rage, but unlike Dan's, it was cold. Unlike Dan, it was far more dangerous.
"The point is, I didn't go through with it!" Vice said defensively. "He convinced me that going against you and Tia wasn't the best option and I have to admit, I agree. So, he gave me the resources to build an army of Magic Gears. We lured Dan into different scenarios to test them against humans and now, we're finally ready to deploy them against Earth."
"We don't even know why Earth is invading," Dan said, angered himself. "For all we know, you FORGED that black box. And you haven't explained why you need ME to do your dirty work for you."
Still pinned, the scientist shrugged. "You have to admit, it is kinda zen-like. We've seen your dreams, remember? We know you've wanted to nuke L.A on several different occasions and pretty much every other city on Earth you've ever been to. Or heard of. This is a way of it coming full-circle. The one guy that hates other humans and wants revenge on the world more than anything else finally gets a chance at that."
Dan looked away. Vice was right. Or… he had been. "I don't want to nuke Earth. I don't…" he closed his eyes, shook his head. "Look, I know I kind of have a reputation. Heck, I wear this shirt because of it."
"I thought you wore your JERK shirt ironically," Chrys said.
"Sometimes it's ironic, sometimes it isn't. Another reason why I like it," Dan remarked. "And I might not like many places on Earth… but… I guess it's not that bad a place. Maybe… maybe it doesn't deserve to be destroyed."
Twilight's glare faded. The aura holding Vice Grip up disappeared and the scientist slid back to his feet again.
Dan sighed. "Being here, it's made me realize that there's more to any one person… more to any one thing than just what we're focused on at any one time. There's… complexity, depth, and the bond that connects everything together."
Twilight smiled, placing a hoof on his shoulder. "That's really touching, Dan."
Chrys nodded. "And also the tagline of Transformers."
Dan turned back to them. "But it has a bit more significance to me. The world is too big, the universe is bigger than any one thing we're angry about or frustrated with at any given moment. There's always new things happening, new things to learn and every day is a chance to start again."
The others joined Twilight, comforting hooves, hand and claw holding Dan's shoulder in comfort.
"Touching indeed," Vice remarked. Unlike the others, he was frowning, and it seemed the distance between them in the elevator had grown in more ways than one. He adjusted the collar of his lab coat. "Comforting philosophies and warm fuzzy feelings aside, there are some problems that can and do affect the entire world. Which is what we're facing now. Honestly, if I was as naive as any of you, Equestria would probably be destroyed instead. And we wouldn't be having this little conversation, would we?"
"Have you really thought about this problem?" Chrys said, turning to him. "Maybe if you embraced some warm, fuzzy feelings, you could find a solution that didn't involve a nuclear holocaust."
Vice smirked. "Fine, I'll get onboard the "good vibes" train," he turned to Dan. "Dan, my friend, would you please help me destroy the rest of your species before they annihilate Equestria?"
"Fuck you, evil Bill Nye pony."
Vice's smile didn't fade. "I figured as much. Well, I did my best to convince you but I suppose we'll have to do this the hard way now."
"The hard way?" Phoenix asked. "So it's been easy up until now?"
The scientist clasped his gauntlets behind his back again. "Oh, believe me, it'll be quite easy for you once you have the proper motivation. The hard part is simply finding it but fortunately, I think I have something that should clear that right up."
Before Phoenix could ask what that was, the elevator doors opened. The room ahead of them was darker than the command center and apparently smaller. The only light was coming from blue energy fields, some on the ceiling, some around them connected from the floor to the ceiling. Cages. Evenly spaced around the room were also tesla coils and other strange, glowy machine thingies that Dan and the others couldn't make out nor cared to. It was clear to them after two steps that this was a dungeon.
"So, what happens now?" Dan asked aggressively. "You're gonna threaten us to make it happen? Hold Shining Armor and Cadence hostage until I press the button? Or are you going to steal my hands or something and then try to nuke Earth?"
Vice stepped out of the elevator, doors closing behind him. "Before we get into anything too drastic, I wanted to show you one last thing." He walked through them, leading them around several of the blue energy cages. Dan and the others had to step over cables and wires on the floor. Vice didn't seem to mind them. Or even notice them.
They approached a larger energy tube, one housing another tesla coil-shaped structure but larger than the others. On top of the structure was another lightning ball, iconic of the electric experiments but one that was again, larger than the others and pulsed a cool purple inside.
"An interesting thing about the Crystal Heart, it does affect all of Equestria when it's active. It regulates magic, making sure it continues to flow like the lifeblood of the planet itself, almost like a real heart. The magic is taken in from various sources, combined, energized and then rushed back into the environment, changing a little bit every time with the bonds that created the magic," Vice said, stepping closer to the machine. He clicked a button on his glove and a panel opened on the side of the coil.
Inside was the Crystal Heart, the real one. Like the one that had been on the pedestal in the plaza, it had been changed but in more subtle ways. It was still crystal but a large purple cog was wedged through it, partially inside of it. As magic poured into the heart from around and below, it spun the cog, powering two other cogs at the side which in turn spun a motor. It had also turned an unsightly gray color but not entirely steel. Wires hung from it, etched throughout like the chest cavity of a robotic body.
"What none of us realized was that it can be separated from Equestria, the magic it has can be blocked for a while or stored. Or altered," Vice explained.
"What… what are you doing with it?" Twilight asked, her voice exasperated. She couldn't help but move closer.
"Bleeding it dry," Vice said cooly. "Bleeding all of Equestria… dry."
"And again, you've crossed the line!" Chrys announced. She stomped over to him, her magic instinctively grabbing several of the cables around the room and hoisting them into the air.
Vice clicked one button on his gauntlet. The energy field surrounding the Crystal Heart vanished.
"Ah… unh," Chrys fell to one knee. The cables she was holding dropped to the floor.
"Ah… AHHHHH!" Twilight yelled. She fell to the floor.
"Thpp…" Fluffle collapsed.
"Twilight? CHRYS!" Dan yelled. The two humans and Spike moved to help their fallen friends.
Smiling, Vice stood over them and simply walked closer. "My Magic Gears require great amounts of magic to function. With most of the potion and crystal going to the Sword Spells, I was forced to seek an alternative energy source for the Gears themselves. Fortunately, I found one."
"Ehhhh, AAAAAGHH!!" Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle writhed on the floor.
"What did you do to them?!" Dan shouted, moving closer to Vice Grip. "What did you do them you son of a-"
Vice flipped another switch and the energy barrier reappeared, this time between him and Dan.
"I began siphoning magic from the Crystal Heart when I made an interesting discovery: the link works both ways. The magic the Crystal Heart absorbs can be changed, as can the heart itself. With it fueling my Magic Gears, my Magic Gears began to reciprocate and the Crystal Heart began absorbing their magic as well. I then began to notice… interesting side effects," Vice said, scratching his chin.
"What kind of side effects?!" Dan demanded. "Did you turn it into a nuke, too? Make it radioactive?!!"
Vice smiled. "More like radio controlled."
Dan quirked a confused eyebrow at him. "I've had about enough of-"
"Uh, Dan?!" Phoenix's voice came from behind, sounding panicked.
The other human turned to see Phoenix being held by Twilight's magic. Twilight herself was standing along with Chrys and Fluffle Puff.
"Twilight?" Dan asked. "Oh thank goodness. You guys are all-" The purple aura grabbed Dan. It lifted him off his feet and into the air.
"Human. Alien. Biped. Non-combatant. Threat level: negligible," Twilight said, her voice devoid of emotion.
"Twilight, what is this?!" Dan asked, helplessly spinning. "What are you doing?!"
Behind him, Vice Grip deactivated the energy shield and walked forward. "I think you fully grasp the situation now," he said with a chuckle. "I think these three will make a great addition to the collection! Meet the newest Gear Ponies!"
Corrupted Friends Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle Puff NOW we're screwed
"What did you do to them?!!" Dan yelled.
"He's brainwashed them! Whatever happened to the Crystal Heart, it's effecting Twilight and the others!" Phoenix yelled, helpless himself. Twilight moved the two of them closer to each other, guiding them.
"You can release them," Vice said.
Twilight's magic stopped and Dan and Phoenix fell to the ground with a thud.
"You… you corrupted them!" Dan rubbed his head. "Let them go… YOU LET THEM GO, NOW!"
"Silence him," Vice ordered.
Chrys' horn glowed and an arrow key appeared next to him. It grabbed Dan's mouth, dragged it to a floating waste bin and deleted it before disappearing.
To his side, Fluffle Puff nudged Vice's glove.
"Hmm? What do you want?"
"Beep," Fluffle said. I AM A ROBOT NOW. GIVE ME CAKE.
Chrys leaned over to Vice. "She desires-"
"Yes, yes, I can read," Vice dismissed her, turning to Dan and Phoenix. "Magic, technology, ponies, humans, no matter what it is, it just requires a little understanding and the proper motivation to achieve results. The right cogs matching up," Vice said.
"So now you're holding them hostage?" Phoenix asked.
Vice smiled. "Again, not exactly. As I said, Dan is going to be the one to nuke Earth."
His mouth gone, Dan rubbed the place where it was until it reappeared. "Like hell I am," Dan replied, spinning. "I'm still not helping you and now I have ANOTHER reason to beat the crap out of you."
"No, you are. Or rather, this Dan is," Vice said. He turned to Chrysalis. "Change into him."
A green flash appeared over Chrys and she changed into Dan.
"Oh… I get it now," Dan remarked. "Identity theft. That's another thing I'm going to beat you for."
Vice rolled his eyes. "Well, don't I have it coming, then? I think you see now that I don't need you any longer. Again, I would've preferred if we could've worked things out but you just had to have things your way. You just didn't realize I could change your to make it mine. Twilight," he turned to her, "put them with your brother and the pink one."
"By your command." The purple alicorn's magic grabbed them again, holding them aloft over the cables on the ground.
Suddenly, the lights in the room shut off. All the energy fields and the elevators went dark. A blue spark appeared from behind one of the machines.
"I won't let you brainwash Twilight!!" The sparking cable flew at Vice Grip, electricity whipping through the air in streams. The scientist ducked and Chrys caught it in her magic.
Vice Grip's gauntlets produced a green glow, illuminating the space around them. Attached to the other end of the cable was Spike.
"Ah, almost forgot about that one," Vice said. He lifted the cable and grabbed Spike by his neck, holding him up. Twilight then grabbed him with her magic and added him to the collection of prisoners.
"All of you, not ponies, not magic but so resolute. I can't help but admire your resolve; it truly is inspiring," he turned to Twilight again. "Kill them."
"Twilight…" Spike's eyes teared.
"By your command."
Another flash exploded in the center of the room.
"Stop."
Vice practically jumped out of his own lab coat. "SON OF A-!!! How many times have I TOLD you not to do that?!"
"You remember our deal?" The Director asked.
Vice pinched his brow. "I'm altering the deal. These two have been far more trouble than they-"
"No," The Director said. He turned to Twilight. "Release them."
"What are you doing?" Vice asked, appalled. "Belay that order! Take them to the elevators, at once!"
"By your command."
The aura around Dan, Phoenix and Spike dissipated again and the three hit the ground.
"What the hell was that?!" Vice demanded to Twilight. "YOU are supposed to obey ME. I am your leader, I am the regent of the Crystal Empire, you will do as I command or-"
"You will do as I instruct, Vice Grip," The Director said to him. "The humans are to be mine."
"That's AFTER we nuke Earth," Vice said. "All of this hinges on our ability to-"
"And you are not to harm any humans. Only Dan was. Or in this case Dan*," The Director clarified. "You also have another problem."
"What's that?"
"Celestia and Luna are on their way."
Vice's jaw dropped. "Here?! NOW?!!"
"They'll be here in three days along with the Saddle Arabian delegation. When they arrive, your right to regency will be challenged."
Vice's eyes went wide. He shook his head. "That's… that's not a concern. I was appointed security advisor after Sombra's capture. When he's found guilty, they'll have no choice but to recognize my authority."
The Director said nothing. His hood still obscured every feature except his muzzle, a dull whitish blue. "The trial is tomorrow. You should prepare."
"Heh," Vice chuckled. "Prepare for my ascent, you mean. In three days, the Swords will be ready and we'll turn Earth to dust. Until then, we need to do something with these three-"
"They will be in my care until then," The Director said, cutting off Vice again. "They will not interfere with the launch. If you interfere with them, there will be… consequences," he said.
Vice glared at The Director but made no challenge to his instruction. "I'm going to see to the final trajectory calibrations. Tell Lightning Claw to report to the command center when he returns," Vice said. He turned to leave, followed by Chrys and Twilight.
Fluffle nudged his hand again.
"Not now, abomination."
"Beep-boop." I AM STILL A ROBOT. GIVE ME CAKE.
"She said-"
"DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A DAMN WHAT SHE SAID?"
The elevator door closed behind them and it quickly departed. The four traveled upward, leaving Dan, Phoenix, Spike and the Director in silence.
"One of my more foolish tools, he still has his usefulness," the Director finally said. The cloaked figure turned to face them.
"You… you helped us," Phoenix said, confused. "I don't understand. Aren't you with Vice Grip?"
"We share similar goals and backstories. Suffice to say, Vice Grip's… desires… are more attainable than mine. For now, we share similar goals," the Director said. As he spoke, the room seemed to grow colder, every breath like an icy gale.
"Who are you?" Dan asked.
The Director didn't look up at him. "I'm something I'd rather not be. So I prefer to think of myself as what I want to be instead of what I am."
Dan and Phoenix exchanged puzzled glances at each other.
"What you don't want to be is arrested. What you want your friends to be and Equestria to be is free. In order to accomplish this, King Sombra must also be free," the Director said.
"What? What does that even mean?" Dan asked, puzzled.
Again, the Director didn't answer. "I will take you to him now."
"To who?" Phoenix asked.
"The Judge."
Another bright flash illuminated the room before it was dark once again.
Unlike Shining Armor, Cadence and some of the other prisoners, King Sombra was not imprisoned within the dungeons of the Steel Palace. Instead, Vice Grip had placed King Sombra in a cage where every pony could see him: in the middle of the market square. While exposed to the elements(of nature), the deposed tyrant was in no danger of being trapped in bad weather. The air had been still in the Empire since Vice took over.
A pale-yellow flash of magic appeared along with Dan, Phoenix, Spike and the Director at the entrance to the market square.
"Why do we need to free King Sombra?" Dan asked, continuing the conversation. He looked around mid-sentence, not letting the abrupt change in location interrupt him.
"Former Chief Resource Advisor to the Crystal Council and self-proclaimed King Sedicosos Solitario Sombra, he is currently the only known practitioner of umbaran magic still renegade and the only known user of geo-umbaran magic," The Director explained.
Dan, Phoenix and Spike exchanged confused glances. "He's a what?"
"Ugh," the Director held a hoof to his forehead. "He's a bad guy."
"Oh," Dan said. "Yeah, I think it says that in the brochure. 'Welcome to the Crystal Empire and watch out for the local bad guy, King Sombra! No flash photography please; it reflects off the crystals and causes temporary blindness!'"
"I've heard about him as well but what did you mean about magic?" Phoenix asked.
The Director faced him directly. "Heh, glad you're paying attention, Mr. Wright. Umbaran magic, creepy-dark 'evil' magic that most ponies consider forbidden. Sombra's able to make solid strata using his powers and corrupt existing crystals, they call that geo-umbaran. How he figured it out isn't known but there are those in the arcane and science ministries that would like to know."
"So he's the only one who knows how to do what he does," Phoenix said.
The hooded creature chuckled. "It would appear that way, yes. I suppose the higher echelons of complex magic will always appear taboo when viewed from a simpler, basic level."
Dan shrugged. "Maybe some just prefer to master the basics."
"You'd be surprised what Twilight can do with just unicorn magic," Spike said.
"No," the Director said to the small dragon. The creature's head lifted up revealing pale, white eyes that a light shown through. It illuminated the dark street in all the wrong ways. "I'm afraid I wouldn't."
The Director's visage was enough to silence any further comments from the three. A creepy smile crested the creatures pale gray muzzle. "I'll leave you to it, then. Vice Grip may be short a few circuits but he's still quite dangerous. In three days, the Swords will be ready to launch and they'll destroy every city on Earth. If you want to stop him, you'll need to find evidence to challenge his claim of regency before then."
Dan shook his head. "How is getting him impeached going to stop him from nuking Earth?"
The Director turned his smile to Dan. "The magic that's controlling the Crystal Empire is tied in with the current rulers of the Empire. They only obey those with authority over the Cogstal Heart. If he's thrown out of office, they'll throw him out shortly thereafter."
(The current rulers… not ruler. Back underneath the palace, Twilight followed the Director's instructions over Vice Grip's. So that means, he must also have some kind of power here.) "What exactly are you doing all of this for? Why help us?" Phoenix asked.
"Vice Grip and I are helping to realize each others' dreams. Perhaps I decided I wanted a little… something more," the Director looked at Phoenix. "The Sword Spells won't destroy all of humanity. There'll be survivors, something he's counting on. He promised me I'd be able to take all the bronies err… I mean-"
"What?" Spike asked. "What's a… brony?"
The Director pulled its hood down. "The humans on Earth that survive the Sword Spells will be placed in my care after the invasion."
"And… what exactly are you planning on doing with these broni-"
"I have my reasons," the Director replied. "Break a leg!" In another flash, the strange hooded figure was gone.
"Does anybody else get a really creepy vibe from that guy?" Spike asked.
"Yes."
"Oh yeah," Dan said, turning around. "Now, I'm gonna head to the nearest crystal hardware store and we're gonna start taking apart these Magic Gears. Nicky, I want you to go find a really big mirror and Spike, you go get a megaphone."
The lawyer stopped him. "Dan, you really can't be thinking about disassembling every one of those things. There's no way we'll be able to take them apart safely in just three days."
"Yeah, I really don't think that's a good idea," Spike said. "Not that I'm against blowing up a bunch of robots, y'know. I don't think violence will work this time."
"Not with that attitude," Dan replied. "And the longer we spend here talking about it, the less time we have to scrap them all when they're in nice, neat little rows. Of hate."
"Dan," Phoenix grabbed him by the collar as he tried to walk off. "We have to find another way to neutralize the Magic Gears. You can't take on the whole Empire yourself."
"Yes I can."
"Dan," Spike stood by Nick's side. "What if you accidentally set one of those things off? And we still have to rescue Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle Puff. If we break his robots, he'll just make more. We have to take him down directly."
Dan considered the words of his two friends. He thought long and hard, weighing his options: burning down all the Magic Gears in a violent display of defiance or listening to two individuals he didn't trust and defending one of them in court. And then he thought of Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle. He sighed heavily. "Finnnne. So what's the plan?"
Phoenix looked back down the street. "I'm going to defend King Sombra."
Rice had arrived at the board room of the Ponyville Town Hall at nine-fifteen, forty-five minutes before his scheduled meeting with the other members of the triumvirate. In that time, he had reviewed his latest proposals and how he was going to present them, refreshed himself over the most recent issues and how to address them and had consumed two cups of coffee, the second one half-decaf. He checked the blueprints on his wedge of the circular table in the dimly-lit room one more time, straightened them so they laid flat before poking his head out the double doors once again.
"Disco, any-"
"I told you," Discovery, his unicorn assistant sighed heavily, "I'll let you know when they get here."
"Right, but you have to-"
"Yes, Mr. Chancellor," Discovery interrupted again, irritatedly, "I'll alert you just BEFORE they walk in the doors." The bearded brown unicorn at the desk turned to his elected official. "Trust me."
Chancellor Rice Puddinghead smiled. "I, heheh, of course, Disco."
His unicorn assistant turned back to his desk. The double doors quietly closed behind Rice without another word between the two. There was no point in reiterating what they'd already said at least twice if not three times already. Rice checked the clock. It was ten-thirtyfive, getting close to a time to be reasonably concerned and he knew that. But it didn't help because he'd been through this before, even been concerned the first time. They'd all been through this before. Still, if he hadn't arrived at the appointed time, he'd be the one getting the concern. When preparation couldn't help, what good was planning ahead? It never made him any less nervous. The only hope was that maybe, it would end differently than the way it always started. The way it started every time.
He paced for a few minutes, then decided to take his seat. Food was in short supply, always had been and it was important to conserve energy. He still regretted not having something more for breakfast with the coffee percolating in his empty stomach but he liked to think his work was worth having a late meal. Still, the other triumvirs were pushing over an hour late and he was considering asking Discovery to get them both lunch. He quickly decided against the idea, in case him being found eating food in the office made him look a modicum less professional.
Stomach grumbling, this was how many ponies in Ponyville felt at least a couple times a week, thankfully not every day. Because of his innovations, not every day. It helped him though, to feel how those he represented felt. If they could suffer, so could he. And he had a feeling he was about to suffer.
Finally, at a quarter to eleven, Discovery's head poked through the double doors. "Guess who just decided to drop by?"
"Oh, thank shit," Rice rubbed his forehead, overcome with relief. The action drew a raised eyebrow and knowing grin from his unicorn aide but he made no further comment. "Uh, please show them in."
"I'd say they knew the way by now but considering how long they took… maybe they don't," he said with a chuckle.
"Please, c'mon Disco, this is important."
Discovery just smiled back at him. "Isn't it always?" The doors flapped shut again. A few moments later, they flew open again, this time both at once. Two armored pegasi bearing banners came to a crisp salute as they spread the doors wide for the grand entrance of General(manager) Typhoon and Princess Quintessulinda Qualmorre Quartz, the leaders of the pegasi and unicorns respectively.
Two of the general's guards took positions at the opposite corners of the room while the first two remained by the door. The princess's servants, two in front of her and four carrying her gown, waited for her to be seated before filing out of the room. The two closest servants, hoofmaidens, remained crouched with heads bowed as she sat. None of them, neither the princess and her servants nor the general and his guards even looked at Rice except in passing glance. The hoofmaidens perpetually kept their heads bowed and eyes either closed or on the floor while the guards remained at stoic attention, only visually scanning the room for threats.
This ritual would've seemed odd to Rice if he hadn't seen it take place every time they met. He did his best not to seem annoyed, not that they would've cared if he did. By now, Chancellor Rice Puddinghead was used to the etiquette of the triumvirate. He was also used to the disrespect, used to the unprofessionalism and used to having to deal with it every other week. But, he always did his best to remain positive. This was just the nature of politics.
General Typhoon removed his helmet and sat it down the edge of one of Rice's blueprints, a design for a new aquifer. Rice carefully pulled the print out from under the helmet, eliciting a quirked eyebrow from the general.
It couldn't entirely be blamed on any one of them. They just experienced cultural differences and had to work through them. Unfortunately, it felt like Rice was the only one trying to work through them.
With that in mind, Rice decided to try and break the ice. As always. "So… how's everything in with you guys?"
"Quite fair, thank you."
"Fine," the two answered tersely.
It took them almost a full minute before Princess Quartz finally opened her eyes and asked, "And… how is Ponyville?"
"Oh, you know, same-old. Still having to work our tails off to make quota, so-"
"But you are going to make it," General Typhoon turned a quick question to him. "Right?" Princess Quartz turned her concerned, judgmental gaze to Rice as well. As usual, when something actually affected them, they were ready to listen. Now he had them right where he wanted them.
"Well, you know, it's never easy," Rice said, deliberately avoiding giving them a straight answer. "I suppose it's a lot like trying to manage the weather and control the sun and moon. Can't be easy for you guys either, right?" He grinned.
The other two glared at him. Of course it was easier for them; they all knew it. But they would never admit it, Rice knew that. The unicorns controlled the sun and the moon, using their collective magic to set its pace during the day and the moon during the night. The pegasi controlled the clouds, monitoring everything with the same military precision and discipline they displayed when they were an army. In many ways, they still were, clearly having difficulty adapting to their new role.
But when it came right down to it, it just was easier for the unicorns and the pegasi. Even though they had to do their jobs every day, the sky wasn't getting any bigger. The magic needed to set the sun and the moon remained the same. Neither task required the full attention and commitment from the entire race, unlike growing crops. And while Equestria wasn't getting any bigger, the pony population was. Every day.
"We all have our roles to play, Chancellor," Quartz said, her voice just a little too royal to be comfortable.
"Yeah, roles," Typhoon said, elbow on the table. The general often took up the position of crony when the Princess spoke. Rice had to wonder if Typhoon even knew what a chancellor was. Or how to spell it.
"We have discussed this before," Quartz continued. And they had, on multiple occasions. Pretty much every time they met, but it didn't stop Rice from persevering. He'd discuss as many times as he needed, until they understood. This was not something that would just go away. "Equestria's harmony, our unity is reliant on our ability to work together."
"Yeah, you guys need to pull your weight," Typhoon added.
That may have been a mistake. "Pull our weight? Did you seriously just say that?"
The general stood up from his chair. "Why? You want to make something of it?" The other pegasi guards turned their attention to the display, preparing to intervene. On Typhoon's side, of course.
Rice was no bruiser. The general was strong, well-trained and equipped for combat against other species, not that it had been necessary since Equestria's founding. Typhoon may have been the same size as Rice but she was also wearing full battle dress, armor that made her all the more physically intimidating. And powerful. Along with her backup, Rice didn't stand a chance and they were just waiting for the opportunity to prove it to him.
A scuffle like this had only happened once before when Rice had tried to argue with General Typhoon. He had backed down and things had returned to business as usual, same as always.
But not this time. "Maybe I do want to make something of it."
The guards stepped forward.
"At ease," Typhoon ordered. The two ponies locked eyes. "I think you need to be reminded of your place, grounder."
"Enough," Quartz said. She used her magic to pull the two apart from each other, stopping a physical confrontation before it could start. "You both know what this kind of conflict invites. It is our duty to preserve harmony. That is our obligation above all else."
Rice and Typhoon took their seats again, slowly prying their eyes off each other.
Quartz turned to Rice. "Are you having difficulty making quota or not?"
"We're pulling double and triple-shifts to meet the bare minimum. Moral is low and we barely have time for anything but the farms. If something happens, a fire, a rogue storm, infestation, I can't guarantee we won't be short," Rice answered honestly.
Quartz closed her eyes, resuming her overly-regal manor. "Disasters are our concern, Chancellor. At your current output, you will be able to make quota?"
"At the current rate, yes but the earth ponies can't take-"
"Then it is clear," Quartz announced. "Heavy workload aside, it is your duty to compensate for such complications. You will continue working at the current output level to meet our needs, yes?"
Rice knew it was an order, not a question. "Yesssss," he hissed angrily through gritted teeth.
Whether Quartz recognized his anger or not, she turned to General Manager Typhoon. "Is this proposal sound to you?"
"Yeah, sounds great," Typhoon said, using her helmet as a backscratcher.
"Very well, the matter is settled," Quartz declared.
The double doors to the room burst open again. "Can I freshen up any pony's coffee? We all good on cream?"
The politicians, security guards and servants cast a wtf glare at Discovery as he poked his head through the door. "Okay, no pony wants cream."
Episode 8 Bonus Scene: Enter The Enclave!- Dan Vs. Captain Springer
The rows of houses stretched onward. Cloudsdale didn't need to follow a geographical layout like Ponyville so it only did in a few places. Some of the neighborhoods were at different elevations and sometimes directly above or below each other. From above or below, the residential area resembled the pattern of a snowflake but from the street level, it appeared as a maze to Dan and Fluffle Puff. Finding anything, let alone Derpy Hooves was next to impossible if you didn't know where to go.
"This is taking too long," Dan said, looking back and fourth between the houses. "By the time we find her house, she'll be back in Ponyville screwing with MORE of our mail!"
"Thbbb-pppppbbb," Fluffle Puff remarked. If she keeps delivering muffins, I'm fine with her screwing with all our mail. She pulled out a muffin from her utility fluff, closed her eyes and prepared to take a bite.
"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!" Dan snatched the muffin just as Fluffle's jaw snapped shut, biting air.
"THPPPP! THBBTHH-THH-THPP!!" Fluffle hopped angrily, blowing raspberries in frustration. HEY! Get your own! They were giving them out at the post office! If you wanted one, you should've got one there!
Dan examined the muffin, gazing into the golden glaze. "If she made this, we can use the muffin to track her!" he leaned down to Fluffle Puff. "I'm willing to bet she's responsible for every mail muffin there is so you can get her scent off of it. C'mon Puffy, give it a whiff," he stuck the muffin close to her muzzle but not close enough for her to bite.
Fluffle frowned at Dan. "Thppp-Thmmmm-Thb-thbb." Why would I track Derpy down when I can just eat that muffin right here? That seems like a better plan from where I'm standing.
"Because she might have MORE muffins wherever she lives! And we can confiscate them from her as evidence, understand?" Dan grinned.
Fluffle's eyes lit up. "Pbbbt." That… had not occurred to me. Okay, I like your idea now.
"Give it a big sniff because we're at high altitude."
The fluffy pony closed her eyes and inhaled deeply into the muffin, doing her best to resist the urge to devour it whole. Dan patted her on the head as she did so, like he was encouraging a giant fluffy bloodhound-pony.
Her eyes shot open. Without warning, she bolted down the street, a pink blur among the clouds.
"YES!" Dan triumphantly declared. "Gonna have to remember this trick. THE TRAIL IS HOT AGAIN!!" he broke into a run down the Cloudsdale street, eating the muffin as he did so.
The Fluffy pony stopped at an intersection between neighborhoods, sniffing the clouds underneath her. The area ahead had another layer of clouds and buildings about thirty feet above it, running parallel and providing the district they were in with shade. Some of the layered structures had columns attaching them to each other but not these, making it difficult to travel to the upper level without wings. As a town built for pegasi, Dan had to believe it made sense to them but it was also clear to him they didn't expect ground dwellers to visit here that often. Or possibly at all.
Fluffle turned in circles a few times, sniffing before picking up the trail again and bolting in another direction. Dan grinned at the clear success of his plan. He turned the corner to follow her, the fluffy blur still in sight.
Dan paced himself, making sure to still scan the area now and then to make sure he didn't accidentally miss the target. It was then he noticed the road had changed color, taking on a greenish hue. The green glow grew brighter and brighter until Dan realized it was isolated to the part of the street just in front of him. He stopped to examine it.
"Is this a new traffic signal or…?"
*Blash!* The clouds erupted right in front of Dan, knocking him off his feet. A blur flashed right in front of him and before he noticed it, it was on top of him, pinning him to the ground. Making sure there was still cloud underneath him, he looked up to see the form of a pony.
"HEY! What is this? They don't walk in your neighborhood or…" he stopped chastising the stranger for jumping him when he realized the pegasus was wearing some kind of armor. "The frick is this?"
"I'm the one that should be asking that question, ground-bound."
Advanced Armored Augmented Aerial Assailant Captain Springer Enclave Elite Unit Leader Callsign: Hydra One
"Ground what?"
"Ground-bound, means you're meant to stay on the surface. Which means you're trespassing here," the imposing figure said over him. Getting a better look at his attacker, Dan realized it was a mare wearing some kind of suit of power armor. She regarded him with clear contempt, something he'd recognize anywhere, from behind an upturned helmet that exposed her face.
"HEY!" Dan yelled, still pinned. "I'm on official business investigating the tampering of mail by a courier in Cloudsdale! And since when did anyone need PERMISSION to be here?!"
"Investigating?" the spring-green mare asked. "Obviously not on the authority of anypony in Cloudsdale. Who sent you here?"
Dan smirked. "My authority comes from HIGHER than Cloudsdale, sweetheart. I'm on a mission approved by Princess Twilight Sparkle herself!"
The mare looked confused. "There's no princess named Twilight Sparkle in Equestria. If there was, there would've been a coronation held in Canterlot."
"Heh," Dan chuckled. "Where have you been, minty? The new princess on the block's living right under your hooves in Ponyville. With me. And friends."
The aggressor tapped a hoof to her helmet, keying in the comms system. "I wasn't informed about any of this. I'll have to clear it with command. As for you-"
"Were you informed about that thing behind you or is that news, too?" Dan asked, looking over her shoulder.
She frowned at his pathetic attempt. "That's not gonna work on me."
"Yeah, I figured as much. That's some pretty cool armor you're wearing," Dan remarked. "Is that supposed to be some kind of cannon on the back?"
"Plasma Caster," the pegasus replied. The barrel of the cannon mounted on her back swiveled in response, turning and pointing down at Dan from over her right shoulder. "Capable of reducing the matter of any single target it's pointed at into a pile of goo in a single shot." The muzzle of the gun glowed, casting a sickly green light across her expression as she smiled. "Pretty intimidating isn't it?"
"Actually," Dan grinned back, "it sounds pretty unbalanced to me!" He grabbed the barrel behind the muzzle and yanked down, turning the pull into a roll. The pegasus lost her balance and fell, rolling off of Dan and hitting the ground.
Dan clambered to his feet quickly. "And for the record, Rainbow Dash would've seen THAT coming!"
"I am not some Wonderbolt wannabe, biped." The armored pegasus brushed loose cloud off her side and stood. "I am Captain Springer of the Storm Pegasus Enclave! Equestria's future is to be controlled from the top down with pegasi precision! You ground-dwellers won't be allowed to profane the clouds any more!" The jets on her armor lifted her up as she spoke, toasting the puffy white clouds under her like marshmallows. She rose into the sky, taking an upright stance, bringing the weapons on her foreleg gauntlets to bear. Two plasma caster barrels leveled at her side, a powerful array of energy weapons. All aimed directly at Dan. "The Enclave shall rule the skies!"
"You must be high in more ways than one, minty!" Dan shouted.
The faceplate on Springer's armor slammed shut. "Especially high in firepower!!" She fired a flurry of plasma bolts from her hoof-guantlets and back-mounted caster. Green rays raced towards Dan, making the high-altitude air between the two smell like burning copper.
Using the clouds underneath his shoes, Dan allowed himself to sink slightly to one side. He then kicked off, using the cloud like a mini-trampoline to dodge to the right. The plasma splashed into the clouds where he'd been standing, scorching the mark his heel had pushed off. He turned the dodge into a dash, running as more emerald bolts ripped through the cumulus underneath him.
The plasma bolts, while powerful, were not fast-moving. Dan's speed allowed him to outrun the barrage as Captain Springer tracked him. Ponyville soon showed through the holes peppered in the road beneath them. The cloud quickly regenerated though, repairing itself as was its design for street-designated cloud.
Springer continued firing at Dan as he ran around her in a wide arc. She tried shooting in front of him but the human saw this coming, stopped and then began running in reverse, waving at her as he did so.
"Having trouble hitting a moving target, greeny? Or am I just too fast for your slow-moving lasers?"
"They're plasma!"
"Whatever," Dan said, backpedaling. "I can do this all day. You sure you have enough ammo?"
"These casters don't run on ammo!" Springer yelled, firing another quad-blast as she did so. Suddenly, the plasma blasters belched steam, along with the vents in Springer's suit. "Aaaaugh, I'm overheated!" she yelled.
"Ha!" Dan laughed. "Looks like you're getting a little hot under the collar!"
She flicked her front hooves again, trying to get the weapons to fire but they were still venting heat. "Fine, I've got other toys for you! Let's see how you like missiles!"
Dan's expression changed. "Oh, I don't like missiles."
Springer flew higher, engaging her jets. She spread her wings and spun, unleashing a flurry of missiles.
Dan ran but unlike the plasma, the missiles were a bit faster and followed him. He broke into a full sprint, running as fast as he could down the street. At full speed, he was able to put a small amount of distance between himself and the missiles .
The armored pegasus banked around in front of him, spinning again and letting loose another wave of missiles.
Dan skidded to a halt, heart racing as he saw the deadly explosives descending towards him. With only seconds to react, Dan decided to do something unorthodox: he bounced. He jumped up and then plunged his feet into the clouds, diving deep into the pillowy white. The action caused the clouds to dip but not break, and then launched the human up into the air like a springboard.
Just beneath his shoes, both groups of missiles collided into one another, bursts of flames rising up as he launched.
"Haha ha-ha-haha!" Dan laughed mockingly as he bounced.
"How in the buck…?" Springer shook her head slowly, dumbfounded.
"Looks like your toys are-" Dan bounced too high mid-sentence, hitting the cloud layer above him. His head became engulfed in puffy whiteness.
Springer slapped her gauntlets, trying to reset the systems on her armor. Using the afterburners had prolonged her suit's cool down. Both of them were helpless, with her struggling to recharge and Dan struggling to get unstuck.
Finally, pressing his hands and swinging his legs up to push off, Dan freed his head from the cloud layer. Just as he did, Springer's suit recharged and she aimed her gauntlet-plasma barrels at him again. "Ah ha! Finally! Now you're-"
"Toast!!" Dan dropped on top of Springer, knocking her out from midair and slamming her into the street. The two tumbled in opposite directions, blow cushioned by the cloud.
Dan coughed up a bit of cloud as they both rose to stand. "Didn't see that coming either, did you?"
"And you won't see THIS coming!" Springer kicked off the ground and engaged her jets again, soaring right over him. She sped off into the distance, far out of Dan's reach even if he had something to throw.
"Let's see how you like things up close and personal!" The armored pegasus spun, the jets on her armor burning green instead of orange. She rotated faster, both hooves aimed at Dan and wings channeling plasma energy into a bright, green aura around her. Dan almost got dizzy watching her. An electric hum filled the air.
"That's not how you do a barrel roll, minty!" Dan mocked.
"No, this is how I finish you once and for all! Plasma Dive!!" Springer shot at Dan like a bolt of green lightning, the aura around her blazing an emerald trail through the sky.
Dan barely had enough time to even react to what he was saying, let alone dodge. He dove out of the way at the last second, static making the hairs on his skin stand up. Captain Springer punched a hole in the cloud right next to him, the surge of electricity surrounding the cloud like a gaping wound in the street.
He allowed himself to exhale. Another successful of evasion, even if it had been by the skin of his teeth. He peered through the hole to see Springer was just now slowing to turn around.
It was then he got an idea. She'd have to come up through the clouds, probably through the same hole she'd made. Maintaining the clouds was all pegasi's responsibility so it was unlikely she'd pierce the street again intentionally. This meant he knew where she would appear. He backed away from the hole.
The glow from Springer's jets, turning back to orange from green, was visible to Dan through the cloud layer as she ascended. She was coming right back up at him. He watched the glow as it grew brighter, came closer. He spread his arms out wide, keeping one eye on the street beneath his feet in case she came up right under him. The timing had to be perfect.
Springer slowed as she rose through the hole she'd made, folding her wings back a bit to squeeze through. Her eyes were on the clouds when Dan came up from behind her. She only had time enough to turn and barely saw him in the peripheral vision of her helmet before he tackled her.
Dan slammed into the pegasus, tackling her to the ground with a full-force slam. She was knocked completely off her hooves. He didn't waste the opportunity, quickly punching, grabbing and bashing her helmet, neck and back with his hands, elbows and knees.
Springer struggled to raise her weapons against her attacker but he had the full advantage. While the armor did protect her, she still felt a good amount of force from every blow. She tried to point any of her weapons at Dan for a pointblank shot but the human was faster, blocking every attempt and twisting the barrels so they pointed away.
Finally, she engaged her jetpack's jets. The fire nearly singed Dan's face, forcing him to leap back and off of her. The clouds beneath them were scorched black as Springer got to her feet and then kicked off again as to not give him another chance.
"You can try to burn me, minty but I'm just getting warmed up!!" Dan taunted.
She circled him, flying in a long, careful arc before bringing her plasma casters to bear against him again. "Shut up and get vaporized!!" She fired spray after spray of plasma bolts, more green rays that peppered the clouds underneath him. Dan followed her movements, running in an arc in the opposite direction to keep distance between him and her attacks.
Springer keyed the comms system in her helmet. "HQ, this is Hydra-One! I've been engaged by an enemy on grid three-oh-three-four, Lemon Street! Requesting immediate assistance!"
"Copy, Hydra-One, no patrols currently operating in your area. Scrambling the rest of Hydra Squadron now, your wingponies are inbound. ETA: six minutes."
"Damn it," Springer cursed, firing another blast that Dan merrily skipped to evade.
"What's the matter, minty?" Dan asked. "Calling in for backup? I thought you could handle me all by yourself."
"Handle this, biped!!" She dove at him, raining down plasma bolts as she flew over him. Twin lines of perforations appeared in the street as Springer went back and fourth, sweeping the road to try and hit Dan in a carpet bomb-like maneuver.
Dan rolled to dodge each rake. Despite her speed and closer range, Dan's reflexes were faster. Positioning himself right in the middle of her attack, he was able to somersault out of the way each time she went by, even reverse-somersaulting to evade her faster raking motions.
"Just… hold… still!!" Springer spun directly over Dan, preparing to dive right into him from above.
"You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn if you had broadside-guided barn-seeking missiles!" Dan yelled back.
"BURN, BIPED!!!" Captain Springer roared angrily and dove, spiraling towards him in another lightning-plasma attack. Dan saw the flash of green just inches in front of his face as he rolled out of the way, the green bolt scorching and heating the clouds around him. It punched another hole just where he'd rolled out of the way, turning the clouds around it black and crackling with electricity. He scrambled away, feeling the heat nearly burn his hands as he stood again.
Just as before, Springer's attack had sent her through the cloud layer, and Dan knew he'd have the advantage when she came back up. But he also knew she probably wouldn't fall for the same tactic twice. He watched the glow from her afterburners as she rose again, coming closer and closer. Suddenly, the glow stopped.
Dan gulped, knowing that couldn't be a good sign. His eyes went wide as he saw flashes of green arc right up at him. The area around the hole was shredded by plasma bolts, tearing the cloud to pieces and making the hole bigger. He dove away from the blasts as they perforated the road, expanding the hole so he had less ground to stand on. He backed away until finally, the barrage stopped.
Springer's head popped up from the larger hole to check her surroundings and spot Dan before ascending. It took her a second to spot him but he didn't get the drop on her this time. She hung on the ledge of the cloud and aimed the plasma cuff on her right-foreleg right at his head.
Dan bolted at her, knowing he wouldn't be able to evade a shot this close. He leapt at the hovering pegasus about to take a potshot at him from cloud level.
Springer rotated the cuff, activating the trigger mechanism. The gun clicked and vented steam.
"Gaaaah!!" She waved the weapon attached to her hoof, trying to cool it down. She quickly looked back, trying to aim the other hoof at Dan but it was too late.
Instead of tackling her, Dan jumped on her head like Mario stomping on a Monty Mole, delivering both of his shoes onto her helmet. His heels clanged off the metal of her armor, making her head ring. The clear eye-visor of her helmet cracked, turning her vision into a splintered spyglass. She pulled herself up to the ledge, desperate to keep track of her target. She quickly turned around to see the split-sigth of a dozen Dans charging straight at her.
He leapt across the hole and tackled her again, further cracking her helmet's visor. He went after her body this time, punching and smashing at her jetpack and mounted plasma casters, trying to break the more vulnerable weapons.
She kicked in her afterburners again but this time, she grabbed down on the human as she did so. She carried him as the jets rocketed her horizontally across the street. Pulling up, she then tried to dive again and slam Dan into the road.
But Dan still held a tight grip on her weapons. The left plasma caster's barrel in both hands, he bent it down so that it ripped into the clouds just under them.
The plasma caster's tri-spear like barrel tore into the street like fabric, ripping a gash in the center of the road as they flew down it. The clouds parted, showing more of Ponyville underneath.
The action was too much friction for Springer, for both of them. It caused her to lose her grip, drop Dan on the street and spin out of control.
"I'm just too good for you, minty!" Dan said, grinning as he stood again. "And you're supposed to have the homefield advantage up here, too. I wonder what your friends are gonna say when I tell them. Maybe I'll have Rainbow write it in the sky: Dan Rules, Minty Sucks."
Springer turned back around to face him, ripping off the faceplate of her helmet as she did so. Underneath, her expression was one of pure adrenaline-fueled rage. "That's it!! You are NOT getting the better of me up here!" she keyed in her comms system again. "HQ, where's that support?!"
"Still three-minutes out, Hydra-One."
"That's not good enough! Tap in to the local grid at my location and disconnect the street section!"
"You're not authorized to adjust the residential area, Springer. That could destabilize the whole grid and damage the network."
"Just do it, Zephyr," Springer said into her helmet comms. "Or I'll tell every pony you have a crush on Cloud Chaser."
"…You don't have any proof of that."
"Oh yeah? What about those pictures of her flank you keep in your locker? And that art you've been looking up of her and her sister on Derpibooru? And one of them has a-"
"Disconnecting street grid three-twenty-one-bee… and stay out of my locker."
"Kiss my flank," Springer keyed off her comms.
"You're not Cloud Chaser."
The street section Dan and Springer had been fighting on was already damaged from the plasma bolts. It was too much damage for the road to repair itself and when it was disconnected from the rest of the cloud grid, it broke into pieces. Tufts of white cloud exploded out in all directions from the road at Dan's feet, nearly evaporating into confetti. Dan soon found his footing even more precarious.
The cloud directly under him flew up and to the right, he struggled to remain balanced on it. Fortunately, it was a large enough cloud that it responded to the cloud spell imbued on him and he was able to stand on it as it carried him higher.
The entire neighborhood shifted, rotating in response to the loss of the segment. Clouds that had been part of the disconnected road flew this way and that, propelled randomly by the sudden collapse of the energy that held them in place. Some floated upwards, some floated down, pieces and segments of the puffy stuff swirled above and below the street.
Dan and Springer lost sight of each other, swept up in the swarm of storm material. Pieces of the blackened clouds shifted and bumped into the others, like puzzle pieces swirling out of order. A few of the perforated ones resembled pieces of white swiss cheese, Dan poked his head through the holes of one, trying to find Springer.
The pegasus captain scanned the clouds as they drifted around her, searching for Dan. Spotting targets among the moving clouds was something all pegasi, especially Enclave pegasi, had been trained to do. But not when they were hiding from her.
"You've got nowhere left to run now!" Springer yelled, taunting Dan. "Give it up, ground-bound! You're out of space to work with!"
"Looks like I've got plenty from where I'm standing!" Dan shouted back.
She turned to where she'd heard his voice and fired her plasma cuffs. The blazing green fire ripped several clouds to paper-thin shreds, disintegrating them in an instant.
"Guess again, minty!" He hopped to another cloud, relocating.
Springer rotated again and burned the clouds, shredding two more pieces into confetti cinders. She spun behind her and destroyed more clouds in case he was trying to outflank her.
"Up here, freshness!" Dan stomped on her back, breaking both plasma casters in an instant. The barrel of the left-side one broke off completely.
The shock jostled her but she flew up again, regaining altitude and recovering her position.
"Aaagh, my plasma casters!" Both plasma casters were in operative and he'd just narrowly missed her jetpack. She keyed her comms system again. "HQ, this is Hydra-One! I've sustained massive damage, enemy is stronger than expected! Requesting immediate assistance!"
"Help is one minute out, Hydra-One. Hang in there for another sixty seconds while they get a fix on your position."
"Ha, looks like there's gonna be a lot of fixing when they arrive."
She ripped off both saddle-mounted weapons so the weight wouldn't slow her down. "This equipment is worth more than ten of you, biped!!"
"Even if it's broken? I'll still pass. Doesn't look like it comes with a warranty."
"GrrrrrraaaaAAAAAHH!" Springer screamed in rage. She flew up and spun, releasing three missile salvos.
"Oh boy." Dan clung to his cloud, searching left and right for another one to leap to. But it was no good; unlike the bolts, the missiles would track him. They always tracked him. And that's when he looked up to see Captain Springer.
Above him, she flew in a circle, spinning rapidly every so often to launch more missiles from her wings. It was a continuous volley and eventually, it would be one he couldn't avoid. But maybe he didn't want to avoid it, not entirely.
He lept to a cloud just higher and to the right of his current positions, missiles racing towards him from above. Just before they angled down to track him again, he jumped up and to the right once more. He continued this pattern, gaining altitude until the missiles were coming at him from under him and above him, getting closer and closer to Captain Springer.
When he was finally at the top, Captain Springer was too busy in her spinning maneuver to notice him at her level. He let her pass by him once and waved at her.
"What the-"
"Hope you packed a parachute!"
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
"Cuz you're about to get your wings clipped."
Dan grabbed her in midair and pulled her into a dive. The missiles trailing him slammed into her back as she fell, exploding and turning her armor into a fireball as they fell. Springer screamed in agony back burning in flames as she plummeted. Dan pushed off of her at the last second, once the missiles had used up and jumped to the ground. He rolled as he hit the edge of the street, Springer punching a hole through it like a meteor next to him. Her screams echoed all the way down.
"What a total burnout," Dan said, walking away. He took a couple steps before he saw a familiar glow rising up from under the clouds.
Captain Springer burst through the cloud layer in front of Dan like an inferno, showering ash, soot and cinders everywhere. Her dark green mane and face were covered in black scorched marks. Her armor was in tatters, her own wings scorched at the tips still held the jetpack in place at her back. Her legs were bare, burned in some places and missing the armor over them. Except for her right foreleg, which still contained a plasma cuff. She pointed it at Dan.
"You can't escape the Enclave. Nopony can. We own the skies, Dan! Your future will be nothing but clouds soon enough!"
"I think your head's in the clouds," Dan said back to her. "Maybe it's time you found some new horizons."
She took aim and fired. Dan stepped back, falling off the ledge of the clouds as a green bolt flew over his head. He grabbed the ledge as he fell past it, gripping it with both hands. The action caused the entire section of cloud to bend and then propel him upward like a diving board and he used the momentum to land standing right in front of Springer once more.
The pegasus soldier tried to fire again. The gun clicked and expelled white smoke.
Dan grabbed her shoulder. "Sorry, minty freshness. Looks like your luck's just about… shot."
"Oh, you cheesy son-of-a-"
He kneed her in the chest and pushed her to the ground. Without giving her a chance to react, Dan ripped off her gauntlet and smacked her in the face with it. He then pounded the jetpack with it until it spat smoke, then ignited, sending her rocketing a distance down the street.
Captain Springer spun out in the middle of the road, flat on her stomach with all fours splayed out. She struggled to get to a standing position.
"No… this isn't possible… she… she promised…" Springer collapsed on the ground and her jetpack exploded, leaving a smoldering black ring around the equally smoldering pony.
Dan walked up to her side. She looked up at him, helpless. "You're pretty good, minty. But there's something you should know."
"What's… that…?"
"Simple law of physics. What goes up,-"
"Must come-"
"I bring down!" Dan elbowed her saddle and the pony plunged through the clouds.
Captain Springer screamed as she spiraled out of control to the surface of Equestria. "Mayday! Mayday! HQ, this is Hydra-One! I'm hit! I'm HIT! I'm going down, repeat, I am going-"
The clouds, being part of another section of the road, quickly closed the gap left by Springer. Dan dusted himself off and continued walking down the street. He turned a corner and was surprised to see Fluffle Puff hopping towards him.
"Thppp! Thppp!" Dan! Where have you been? I think I found Derpy's house! Let's get going; I think she might be starting a fresh batch of muffins! The fluffy pony bounced off down the street. Dan had to pick up the pace to follow her.
"That's what I love about you and me, Fluffle Puff!"
"Thbbthb?" What's that?
"No matter what comes our way, there's nothing that can keep us down!" The pair dashed off down the cloud street, soaring towards even greater heights.
A. Turned to Stone, B. Banished to the Moon, or C. Cardboard Box
"It smells like a subway tunnel. The whole EMPIRE smells like a subway tunnel," Dan grumbled, leading the group through the market street. "AND I HATE SUBWAY TUNNELS!!" The trio stopped momentarily as Dan's voice echoed into the darkness.
The echo faded in moments. Dan's anger did not.
"GRRRRRRRGNGNGNGNGNGNNNNNNRRRRRR!" He fumed in the center of the street. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" He then ran to the nearest streetlight, climbed it and began tearing it to pieces in rage. The security camera wired to the pole fell off and smashed to pieces on the ground. After a few moments of property destruction, Dan jumped back down to street level.
Neither Phoenix nor Spike said anything about his aggressive display. The guy just needed to vent. They continued walking on.
Spike was the only one among them who had any real experience with the Crystal Empire. He couldn't help noticing things he'd seen before, shops, buildings, kiosks, all of them corrupted into a steely substance of some kind. Being a dragon, the Crystal Empire whetted his appetite before with the promise of rare and delicious gems. Not the buildings, of course; there were some jewels good for eating but the semi-translucent construction ones were actually inedible and kind of plastic-y, like they were made specifically to be models for a play set of some kind or toy.
Seeing the Empire this way, though made him lose his appetite. But he had to get through it for Twilight and the others.
"The Empire isn't supposed to smell… or look anything like this," the dragon commented.
"We're going to fix it, Spike," Phoenix patted him on the shoulder. "We're going to fix all of it and get Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle Puff back."
Spike's gaze dropped low. "I hope so…"
"Oh, we're gonna fix it," Dan added, steadfastly fixated on the road ahead of them. "And then I'm gonna fix Vice Grip. First I'll fix his mouth, stop all that crap from leaking out of it. Then I'll add another hole to his head and THEN I'm gonna fix his nervous system with some jumper cables and a-"
"Dan," Phoenix stopped him. "Let's focus on fixing one thing at a time, okay?"
Dan thought a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, you're right. First thing's first," he took a deep breath and marched on.
The buildings grew smaller as they neared the outskirts of the market place, kiosks and booths became more frequent. As with the ones behind them, they were all vacant, bare of shelves and empty. It began to look like an abandoned carnival waiting somewhere in limbo between closed down and open.
The silhouettes of a few Magic Gears appeared in the distance, walking perpendicular to Dan's path. Based on their path, Dan knew they were patrolling the perimeter of the Empire, just like he had at the Golden Oakes Library back home. But he also noticed they stopped, sometimes play-fought with each other or played with things they found interesting along their route. Like children. Why would Vice build an army of children?
"Those things better not try to play with their Sword Spells," Dan remarked.
"They're actually… kind of cute," Phoenix remarked. "For giant pony robots, I mean. It's like they're innocents in all of this, just the tools of some radical extremist."
"He's planning on nuking Earth with those innocents," Dan reminded him. "So regardless of how cute they are, we're gonna have to break 'em. One at a time if we have to but they're gonna be scrap."
"We don't even know how he's planning on attacking Earth," Phoenix said. "He apparently needs you to do it for some reason, or at least Chrys transformed into you. But that doesn't explain how he's going to do it. With all the Magic Gears here, he's going to have to get them to Earth or find a way so that they can attack Earth from the Crystal Empire."
"There's lots of different ways to get to Earth," Spike said. "If it's just one pony or one human. Easiest way is to use a summoning spell, a link between both worlds that magic creates a bridge through. But to get an entire army would take a lot of magic, a lot of different connections all at the same time. I'm not sure it could be even done with robots."
Phoenix scratched his chin. "It looks like Vice has found a way. Maybe he thinks you're the link between Equestria and Earth."
"Except I'M here," Dan said. "And I'm not planning on helping him nuke something in the microwave, much less a whole planet. Even with Chrys turned into me, she still won't be able to help him from here."
"He said he needed three days for something," Nick commented.
"And we've got three days to stop him," Dan said. "Let's keep it moving."
Not long after he said that, they arrived at the entrance to the market district. A large banner that normally welcomed travelers to the Crystal Empire lay half-torn off one of its posts, lying across the road. Whether it happened over time or not, they didn't know.
In the center of the market place and dominating the view was something that looked out-of-place even amongst the incredibly out-of-place: a cardboard box.
"So… is this what we were supposed to come see?" Spike asked, approaching the box. They all stepped up onto the platform the box was on, examining it.
Phoenix looked over his shoulder, back to the palace in the distance. "If this was a delivery, I think they're a bit far from the front door."
"Maybe they didn't hear the DOORBELL RING AS THEY WERE BUSY OPPRESSING AN ENTIRE COUNTRY!!" Dan yelled in the direction of the palace. He turned back to the box with a devious smile. "Well, I guess we'd better sign for this." He grabbed the box on the side.
"Who's that? Who's there?" a muffled voice asked.
"Oh boy."
Eyes wide, Phoenix and Spike turned to each other. "He's in the box!"
"You won't get any more out of me! I will not be bullied!"
"Hold that thought!" Dan announced. He was already back in the road, stretching.
"Dan, what are you doing?"
"Gonna get jack outta the box, stand back, Nicky."
"We could probably just-"
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Dan charged headlong at the side of the cardboard box. Phoenix and Spike casually stepped aside to let him on through.
Dan crashed through the side of the cardboard sell, smashing a Dan-sized hole in the box and collapsing on the floor inside.
"Good job, Dan," Spike patted the still-facedown human on the shoulder. "You sure know how to break down barriers."
Still facedown, Dan gave the dragon a thumbs-up before he and Phoenix pulled him off the floor.
"Who… who are you?" the voice asked.
"We're your court appointed attorneys," Dan said, standing. "And you must be…"
A figure stepped into the light.
"King…"
"…Som..."
"………...bra."
None of them had ever seen King Sombra, not up close, anyway. If there had been any expectations of what he'd be, they were shattered the instant the dark pony entered the light.
"I am King Sombra," he stepped towards them, a darkly unicorn with a curved horn. "And thissssss land iss my kingdom. What are you doing in the Cryssssssstal Empire?"
"Um… hi King Sombra," Spike waved from behind Dan.
"Yeah, hi," Phoenix added, also just slightly behind Dan.
"We're here to represent you in court, Sombo," Dan said triumphantly.
"Ah," the king turned away, contemplating. "Yesssssssss… that businesssssss."
"You, um, look a bit different… uh, your King Sombra-ness… I guess…" Spike said clumsily.
The shadow unicorn averted their gaze again. "It's Sam now, actually. A lot has changed, actually."
"Yeah, you… don't exactly look all that shadowy. Or evil," Dan remarked. Phoenix and Spike turned glares to him. "What? I was TOLD to expect certain things." Originally, King Sombra had been a jet-black unicorn with an ethereal mane and aura similar to that of Celestia or Luna, albeit one far more sinister. They'd all seen pictures of the villainous King Sombra, the unicorn who conquered the Crystal Empire and attempted to rule with an iron hoof and dark magic.
But the pony before them did not match that description. King Sombra was now a shade of dark blue rather than black, his curved horn now a shiny bronze-gold rather than pale gray. His eyes were softer as was his garb, though it looked as though it hadn't been cleaned in weeks.
"I was once a shadow-tyrant of this land. But… I've renounced my ways, done my best to reform. After I was defeated by Prince Armor and Princess Cadence, they showed me mercy. A guard named Flash Sentry found me on the outskirts of the Empire and he took me to the palace. They cared for me, nursed me back to health. I've been living there ever since," Sombra explained.
"Ah, reformed bad guy," Dan summarized. "That explains it. We get a lot of that."
The unicorn raised an eyebrow.
"What he means is," Phoenix stepped forward, "we have some experience in advocating for… ponies in positions similar as yours. And we would like to help you clear up any legal complications."
"I'm guilty, of what I was accused of, at least," Sombra said.
"Oh… that's what I thought you said," Phoenix felt his stomach knot. (Crap crap crap crap crap crap CRAP! Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?! With EVERY CASE why is it always so complicated? They say this place is cursed? No, I am! WHERE'S PINKIE PIE WHEN YOU NEED HER?!!)
"The new regent made it a law that no pony could strike against the Crystal Heart, no matter how corrupt the sacred jewel has become. But I attempted to destroy it, to stop him from turning it into a horrible weapon. So did the prince and princess but… we failed," Sombra explained.
"Hmmm," Dan rubbed his chin. "They didn't tell us what you were accused of. And even if you think you're guilty, you might not be."
"I'm not sure how," Sombra said, looking down. "But how are the others? What's happened to Prince Armor and Princess Cadence?" He approached them, suddenly very concerned. "And Flash Sentry? Please, tell me he's all right!"
"Uh-um, we don't know," Dan said, having to step back as the unicorn pleaded on him.
"We think Shining and Cadence are okay," Spike said. "They're imprisoned in the palace but they seemed to be doing all right."
"And Flash? What's happened to Flash?" Sombra pleaded with Spike.
"Uh, I'm not sure. We didn't see him," Spike said, backing away.
"Oh, I do hope he's all right," Sombra turned around, starting to pace. "He's so sensitive, I don't think I could bare it if he were hurt…" He rubbed a bracelet of some kind wrapped around his right foreleg, what looked to be a hoof-made piece of jewelry of some sort.
"I, uh," Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. "We'll have to check on him as soon as we can."
"Oh, oh yes, thank you," Sombra spun around and shook the human's hand. "Thank you so much, he's been- and they've been so helpful to me over the passst weeks, I just don't know what I'd do without them."
Phoenix, now being nearly hugged by an overly-affectionate Sombra looked over to Spike. "He seems uh, he seems pretty attached to Twilight's family… and Flash Sentry, doesn't he?"
Spike scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "Yeah… looks like it."
Dan looked at all three of them individually then turned to Sombra and asked, "Is he your boyfriend or something?"
The Crystal Empire became silent again for that brief moment. Everything seemed to stop as wide eyes contemplated the question hanging in the air. It was like Equestria had stood still.
Sombra turned to Dan. "Yes, he is," he rubbed the bracelet attached to his foreleg again. "We were actually disssssssscussing… something more than that when Vice took over. We encountered a few legal issues regarding it before but we were working around those before all this happened."
"Gay marriage?" Dan asked, another point-blank question cutting through any subtlety in front of it.
Sombra nodded. "We were trying to write some new lawssssssss regarding marriage when Vice Grip imprisoned every pony. We were trying to reform a lot of laws; it's been a thousand years and the legal system is very outdated. We needed new trade agreements and regulations for businesses, services and even the new kindssssssssss of music being produced. But Vice booted usssssss out, declared himself regent and passed everything himself. He took all the credit, too."
"That son of a bitch!" Dan exclaimed. "He LIED to us right in my own LIVING ROOM!" He stomped off, hopping off the platform and into the street again. "Okay, new plan: I'm gonna kill Vice Grip. I dunno how but I'm gonna kill him and I'm gonna kill him in ways he didn't THINK he could be killed. FUN ways. Probably involving forks. I'm in a fork mood right now."
"Dan-"
"No, no no no no. You're going to defend Sammy-boy here, then you'll defend me. Heck, if all they do is put me in a cardboard box for killing Vice Grip then you can call me Solid Freakin' Snake," Dan declared. "Because Ima 'bout to give him some phantom pain like he will not believe. You got my codec number anyway."
"Dan-" Phoenix said again. (I feel like I should be holding a leash right now. Is this just going to be a constant thing? I'm betting on yes.)
"You can't defeat him," Sombra said. "He's too strong, essssssspecially now. And if you defeat him without removing his power, that other thing will take his placcccce. And things will be far worse."
Dan turned around. "What other thing?"
Sombra stepped forward. "The hooded creature with him. It's been a long time since Equestria has seen one; outside of legends, I've only witnessssssssed one once."
"What are you talking about?" Phoenix asked. "You mean the Director?"
"But… he's the one who told us to find you…" Spike said.
King sombra approached all three of them. "You must lisssssssssten to me, very carefully. You must not trust that creature, no matter what it tellssss you."
"Why?" Dan asked. "It's a creepy pony in a sheet. I don't get why-"
"It is not a pony," Sombra said. "Let me explain to you," his horn began to glow as images took shape around them. "Equestria, unlike Earth, has many different sentient species. They require great abundance of food, land and other resources. In the past, there has rarely been a time where food was not scarce. Because of this, many creatures have evolved to feed on the abundance of emotional energy through magic, gaining nutrients by siphoning it from magic itself. And sometimes… through other creatures."
The shape of Equestria appeared before them. Around it, images of other creatures- ponies, zebras, griffons, sea ponies, buffalo and others still hovered in midair.
"Creatures like changelings learned to feed on love. Windegos evolved to feed on anger and conflict. But the most dangerous of all these creatures… learned to feed on fear." The images swirled together, taking the shape of hood. "There are monsters in this world, so terrible in nature and horrific in design that they have no true form and so shift, forever in between those they have seen. They are not changelings for they make no effort to hide who or what they are- we call them the Faceless Ones."
Two eyes and a mouth appeared in the center of the hood.
"There's never been more than one that has plagued us at any given time. But they feed on fear, taking the forms of loved ones and attacking innocents with dreadful magic and horrific spells. They grow powerful from fear, making entire societies quake with dread," Sombra explained.
"I knew it!" Dan proclaimed, "I knew there was a reason Gary Busey was in this story!"
"Actually, that's Gary Busey over there," Sombra pointed behind them.
"Hi," Gary Busey waved. "And actually, I'm just here to play a round of golf before they start chargin' for the course again. This is actually a pretty important scene, you probably shouldn't be bothering with me right now."
"Ah," Dan nodded. "Okay."
"Later guys. If you happen to see a stepladder lyin' around, it's my stepladder and I want it back," Gary waved again, walking back into the mist to the Crystal Country Club Golf Course.
"You must not trust this creature," Sombra warned. "It wants only to cause disssssssssaster and fear."
"Well, it got us to free you," Dan said. "You wanna go back in the cage?"
Sombra weighed his options. "I wish to see Flash Sentry. Take me to him."
The Steel Palace operations center was a buzz of activity. All throughout the massive hive-room were machines calculating, analyzing and computing data, ponies in headsets speaking in codes and adjusting monitors and Spritebots fluttering around checking cables, connections and sending communications over the antenna on their heads. It was a storm of activity gathering, collecting information and building tactical strength all for one purpose: war.
Vice Grip sat at the north wall of the eye of this storm, a raised platforming above several banks of computers, all manned by ponies around him and at the same time beneath him. The wall-sized monitor in front of him displayed an image of Saddle Arabia's capital, Oasis City.
"Report."
The image zoomed in on the city. "Sir, General Zeal's forces are advancing on the central hub of Oasis City. They're encountering resistance from combined Equestrian Royal Guard and Saddle Arabian defense forces."
Vice rubbed his chin. "And where did these Equestrians come from? Play back the assault from the beginning."
A three-dimensional map of the city appeared on a console before him. It hovered in shimmering turquoise. "Approximately twelve hours ago, zebra shock troops under the command of General Zen Zeal began laying siege to Oasis City. Utilizing our zebra Magic Gear platforms, they were able to bombard the city with artillery fire, destroying its defenses before the infantry advanced."
At the outskirts of the city, three zebra-shaped Magic Gears appeared. Arrows from their back leading to the outskirts of the city produced explosions, detailing the attack. Entire buildings disappeared and very few arrows returned. None of the zebra forces were harmed. A swarm of tiny dots representing zebra troops rushed into the city, spreading more tiny ball-sized explosions and causing the disappearance of more holographic buildings.
"These units are part of the general's personal legion, the Zebra Advanced Expeditionary battalion, often called ZAX for short," the analyst explained. A rotating image of a zebra solider wearing armor and advanced reconnaissance equipment appeared in a box to the side.
She continued. "The Saddle Arabian defenses were crushed. A full retreat was sounded and the Arabian ponies fled to the south of the city. A few were able to escape by trains and airships but forces under General Zeal soon established near-total control of the perimeter. The rail lines were cut off and any airships that attempted to escape were shot down."
The tiny images danced and played, relaying the information as the analyst spoke. Something new appeared on the screen,- two large ovals advanced from the south.
"Three hours into the assault, Equestrian forces led by Princesses Celestia and Luna themselves arrived by way of their personal airships, Solar Force One and Lunar Force One," the analyst explained. Two icons appeared designated the ovals SF1 and LF1 respectively. "Solar Force One sustained heavy damage upon entering the city but both ships docked at the aerodrome in the city center."
The two ovals landed on a large circular structure in the middle of the display, a capital building. "Princess Celestia and Luna immediately rendered aid to the Saddle Arabians while their royal guards were dispatched into the city. Through a combination of demolition and guerrilla tactics, they were able to stall General Zeal's advance."
The two oval shapes took off again, one heading north and the other south. The first one, designated SF1 then lowered into the city, crashing and erupting into multiple holographic explosions. Many of the zebras and two of the Magic Gear zebras disappeared.
"Solar Force One was used as a decoy while the Saddle Arabian civilians were evacuated on Lunar Force One. The zebras shot down Celestia's ship only to have it land on top of the bulk of their advance forces and destroy them. Lunar Force One then retreated out of range of Zeal's weapons."
"It looks like that went right over Zeal's head," Vice commented. "Continue."
The Crystal Empire's a special place, more than anypony knows. The Crystal Heart affects magic all over Equestria but what most ponies don't understand is the scope at which it does. The magic that flows through that heart can reach every corner of Equestria but it doesn't stop there- it keeps going. We didn't know that until we got there.
Until we already lost it.
When the Crystal Empire returned, we regained access to knowledge we thought was lost. Ancient spells, potions, artifacts, magic of all kinds- it was ours again and it came back to us in a rush of enlightenment unlike any we'd ever seen. We started applying most of it, reintegrating the crystal ponies with Equestria's ponies, rebuilding what was lost. We uncovered much of the knowledge of the past and used it to build a better future.
But there were some secrets we didn't tell anypony.
The princesses understood that the Crystal Empire was important. They set up a secret research installation built by Equestrians and staffed by the brightest minds, the most intelligent ponies in Equestria at the time. And we all set out to uncover the secrets of the Crystal Empire, of magic, of everything with one goal in mind:
Make sure we never lost it again. No matter what.
From the Crystal Empire's magic, we were able to see into different worlds. Mirrors like the one to Canterlot High had already existed but it was soon after we found out how they were made. The Crystal Heart collects magic from all over Equestria and focuses it, channeling it into a single source and then reinvigorating it before sending it back. It's a process that actively evolves magic and creatures touched by magic throughout Equestria. But we discovered it's more complicated than that:
The Crystal Heart doesn't just regulate magic in Equestria; it regulates magic in all Equestrias.
Every Equestria, every dimension connected to them, everything that ever is or ever was or ever is going to be is touched by the magic of the Crystal Heart. It draws magic from all universes, pooling them together into a single point of power and then rushing them back. By studying these different pathways, we were able to follow them back to the source. Through the channels, we were able to see into the different universes like doorways. We were able to see the past, the future, the present of so many different worlds all at the same time. It was glorious.
Through these different dimensions, we only took one thing: knowledge. We learned without affecting these different worlds, only studying what they were and what we could be. We began to find solutions to problems- energy, agriculture, communication, and we began applying these solutions to our world, making our Equestria a better place. And the more doors we opened, the more we learned. But then, something happened.
Something else started coming through the doors. Something we couldn't stop.
We saw the future of one Equestria where something horrible had happened. A terrible war and the resulting fallout reduced the entire world to a wasteland. The knowledge we had worked so hard to defend, to preserve was gone in an instance of blinding light, heat and radiation. And it was just the first one.
We started finding more. Hundreds of them. Thousands. Infinite numbers of destroyed Equestrias… never-ending fallout.
It was unthinkable. For so many different universes to have the same exact events was a mathematic impossibility. It defied everything we knew of magic and of science, yet it was still there. And there was nothing we could do about it. The only future we couldn't see into was our own. However, we were scientists. This revelation was a new challenge for us, a new problem to solve and it brought with it a new energy to Big Fountain. We sought to tackle it the same way we had before and we knew that some where, in one dimension or the next, the solution was waiting for us. All we had to do was keep an open mind, strive on and keep opening doors.
But we never found one.
We kept searching for a single point that started these events, the catalyst that led to the chain reaction. But we kept finding different ones. In our Equestria, in our own home universe, we began compensating for these catalysts. We began removing those who would or could cause the events. But it wasn't enough. We started removing anypony that was in any way related to anything that could possibly lead to the destruction of all we held dear. It was only too late we came to the realization:
We were the catalyst.
It was science to us; probability, predicted outcomes, percentages, likelihoods. First we were just 'adjusting' certain ponies' destinies, altering what we saw their futures could've been by changing certain things. A cutie mark here or there altered, a mare or a pegasus here or there changed. But then it wasn't good enough. We started imprisoning them- detaining them for no reason, without cause, without evidence. And… worse.
The Big Fountain became red.
It wasn't long before our Equestria had become vacant. There weren't enough creatures left to create bonds, to create the magic that fed the Crystal Heart on our world. Our sun and moon stopped moving. The waters all became still. The knowledge was ours alone…
Mine alone.
Seeing so many different worlds, so many different ponies and creatures, I forgot about the one I was living in. I forgot who I was working with. I forgot who I loved. It was all numbers and words, spells and formulas, probability and prediction. None of it was real.
So I moved on. I found a new Equestria, one that maybe, I could save this time. I could start earlier, find a pony good with machines, things would be different this time. And if not, then they'd be different the next time. And the next time.
And the next time. And the next time. And the next time. And the next time.
Now… it's been quite a few times, I guess. It's almost funny now how they all wind up the same. Every single time. I wonder… I wonder if things will be different this time. I guess the only thing that's different here is… the fact that HE's here. It probably won't be enough. It never is, anyway. But still, it's not my fault. It's never my fault; I'm just a scientist.
It's all I ever was. I just told the others what to do and they did it. I'm… I'm just…
The Director.
Former CIA Division Leader- Director of Combined Equestrian Projects The Director The Final Threat to Equestria's Future
Vice Grip had not used the Crystal Heart to brainwash all the ponies in the Crystal Empire. Shining Armor, Cadence, Flash Sentry and a few others needed to be made examples of for the rest of Equestria and so had been relocated to different places after they were captured. The royals had been kept in the palace where Vice could get to them if he needed them while the potentially 'resourceful' prisoners had been placed elsewhere, like King Sombra had been. Fortunately, he remembered where at least a few of the others had been kept.
No-longer King Sombra teleported Dan, Phoenix Wright and Spike to a detention center north of the Steel Palace.
"This was the last place I saw Flash Sentry before I was relocated," the former tyrant explained. "Vice Grip said I was too dangerous to be kept with the others… but I really think he may have just wanted to show off that he captured me."
The detention center was another out-of-place building like the mall complex under the palace. It was a plain and rectangular with a flat roof and very few windows placed too high off the ground to reach. A modern jail or correctional facility, minus the barbed wire fences or additional buildings, it stood out among the crystalline houses and buildings even if it wasn't meant to.
"So, what are we going to do?" Dan asked. "Checking in on your boyfriend before the trial?"
"He is my fiancé," the shadowy blue stallion corrected. "I must make sure he's unharmed."
Dan rolled his eyes. "You do realize that if you're found guilty, we're all screwed anyway, right?"
"Why is that, anyway?" Spike asked. "Why does this trial matter so much?"
"It has to do with Vice Grip's leadership," Phoenix said. "His position of power is reliant on the fact that Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor are no longer the rulers of the Crystal Empire."
"Vice bought his way into position as a security advisor in the Crystal Empire," Sombra explained. "He conducted experiments on the Crystal Heart that we thought had been authorized by Princess Celestia. Before we knew what happened, he'd corrupted half the Empire and half our guards. We tried to destroy the Crystal Heart to stop its spread and he was able to use this as grounds to arrest us. The crystal ponies are all tied in to the magic of the Crystal Heart. They'll follow whoever is in control of it but only so long as they're in control. If Vice Grip is removed from power, he'll lose control over the Crystal Heart and the crystal ponies, regardless of the type of magic they're being influenced by, will no longer obey him."
Dan frowned in his typical aggressive skepticism. "And you do realize how INCREDIBLY convenient and simultaneously INCONVENIENT it is for us, don't you? Dr. Wingnut's got the key to the kingdom and all we have to do is prove that he doesn't deserve it and everypony will automatically believe it?" he shook his head. "Trial or not, Grippy isn't going to give up without a fight. And if he says he's the pony version of me, he won't give up at all willingly unless he finds something better."
Sombra turned to Dan. "He's not you, Dan."
"Come again?"
"He told you the title of the story was an anagram for you being him, didn't he? Well, you can actually make a lot with the same words."
Dan Vs.The Magic of Friendship
Dan isn't Vice Grip
"Oh…," Dan said, genuinely surprised. "So he was full of crap when he said that?"
"Yesssssssss."
"Then he's NOTHING like me at all! That bastard LIED to me!" Dan exclaimed. "AGAIN! Now, I'm gonna kill him for pretending to be a pony equivalent of me from another dimension! Attempted impersonation of a royal guard officer! I can arrest him for that, right?"
Phoenix scratched his chin. "I'm not entirely sure on that one. He was claiming to be an equivalent to you, not you yourself. It was like he was telling you that both of you were similar at some core level, that you wanted the same things."
"I NEVER WANTED AN ARMY OF NUCLEAR PONIES!!" Dan yelled. His expression then changed. "To be fair, I probably wouldn't say no to my own private army. But something that could easily blow up the town I'm living in, no dice."
"Good to know you won't try to get an ICBM silo for the treehouse," Spike said. Dan cast a disgruntled frown his way. "What? I'm just saying."
"It's likely Vice said that to upset you," Phoenix commented. "But again, it may tell us a bit more about what his true motives are."
"If he's motivated by revenge, he's nothing like me," Dan said. "I wouldn't be strutting around like I'd already won, making others do my work for me."
Phoenix's eyes went wide. "Unless who you were trying to get revenge on did the exact same thing."
"Then I have one more reason to kill him!" Dan declared. "Trying to impersonate me and failing. Let's go impeach the son of a bitch."
He threw open the double doors to the detention center and they all entered.
Dan looked around. "I guess the people who built this place were trying to decide between making it a school or a jail… not sure which one they went with."
"I've actually seen a lot of places like this," Phoenix commented. (Exactly like the ones back home. And in Ponyville. I know people sent here aren't exactly in the best legal positions but could they at least make one of these places a little… cheerier?)
"Who're you guys?" a voice asked. Coming from around a corner to a hallway was a gray stallion with a red mane, colors that actually matched the decor of the detention center. "Is it time for the trial?"
"Umm… I think they moved him," the young pony said. "Right after they moved you, I think. You're… King Sombra, aren't you?"
"Don't answer that," Dan said. "We're asking the questions around here, kid. Are you with the jackass in the lab coat?"
The stallion rubbed his ear. "The what?"
"I am Sombra and you will tell me where Flash Sentry is," the shadow unicorn said, advancing on the new pony. "Now."
"I-uh-I don't know!" the stallion said, backing up. "They took him out of here a couple days ago, right after they moved you! I don't know where he is!"
"Sombra," Phoenix stepped between the two, "I think he's telling the truth. Threatening him isn't going to get us any closer to Flash or any closer to our goals."
"I- yes," Sombra said, stepping back. "I apologize. Flash would… agree with you if he was here."
"I'm sure he would," Phoenix got to eye level with the sensitive shadow. "But right now, the only way we can help him is by getting you free and freeing the Empire from Vice Grip's control."
Sombra nodded. "Yes, yes I understand. I will try to restrain myself."
"Thank you," the lawyer said, relieved. (Emotionally-attached defendant prone to outbursts of irrational behavior with possible dependency issues… now the building isn't the only thing that's too familiar.)
He turned back to the new stallion, who was apparently scared speechless. He was curled on the floor with his tail wrapped around his hooves, eyes closed and legs shaking. "Now… what's your name? What are you doing here?"
The gray stallion suddenly jumped up. "I'm Firedancer! They call me FD, sometimes. Like fire department I guess…" he trailed off, thinking. Then he looked back at them again. "I'm a witness in tomorrow's trial… I think," he scratched his ear again. "Sorry, I get kind of uncertain sometimes. I'm supposed to take medication for it."
Dan stamped to the front of the others. "Are you with Dr. Frankensteed up there? Or with his nut job company?"
"What are you talking about?" Firedancer asked. "I don't know any Frank or company."
"He means Vice Grip," Spike said. "Like, are you working for Vice Grip or anypony that works for him?"
"Yes, that," Dan said.
"Oh, uh… yeah," Firedancer said. "I'm like, one of FIST's special partners, I guess."
Dan's eyes went wide. "You… wouldn't happen to have a brother, would you? Freaky-looking indigo striped alicorn with a broken horn?"
"You mean Lightning Claw?" the pony asked. "Yeah, he's… not actually my brother. But Vice said we were brothers… I think. I don't know why; I don't have any real siblings."
"I knew it!" Dan smacked a fist into his palm. "You're another one of those ponies with special powers, aren't you?"
"I don't have any special powers," Firedancer said, scratching his ear again. As he did, a few small flares flicked off his mane, like embers. "Not that I know of, anyway." He looked at them blankly for a few seconds. "Who did you guys say you were again?"
"They're under arrest is what they are," a voice announced behind them.
Dan, Phoenix and Spike spun around to see another new pony standing in the entrance doorway. Four steel pony guards marched in alongside of him, forming up and raising steely-gray lances at the humans and dragon.
"Oh, crap, what did I do?!" Firedancer curled into a fetal position and whimpered. "I didn't know flammable and inflammable meant the same thing! Honest!"
"Actually, they don't," Phoenix said.
"What?"
"Inflammable and flammable don't mean the exact same thing," the lawyer explained. "An inflammable label means that the contents of the vessel are flammable, hence the 'in' prefix. It indicates that you should be careful with the container itself because damage might cause a leak like with certain kinds of liquids or gases that could then spill out and become inflamed. Flammable means that the object or substance itself is combustible and that it should be stored in an area where it's less likely to absorb heat."
Dan wore a puzzled label on his face. He shook it off. "What kind of lawyer are you?"
"One that's about to go down in flames," the other stallion answered for them again. "That is my job as prosecutor, after all."
Phoenix stared back at the new stallion. "Payne."
"Writhe N. Payne, Mr. Wright," the mustard-yellow pony said. His mane was two black waves that parted down either side of his face, almost seeming to connect with the dark sunglasses covering his eyes. "Of the prestigious law offices of Payne and Zuffrin, recently reinstated by FIST for legal action in the Steel Empire."
"So, you're the prosecutor in this case?" Dan asked.
"This trial and yours next, Mr. Dan." Payne wore a smug, close-lipped grin as he adjusted his sunglasses. "Though after I've finished humiliating Mr. Wright in the current trial, I very much doubt he'll be able to defend anyone in court again, much less himself."
Phoenix flinched at the boastful statement. (Even in Equestria they have prosecuting Paynes! How many of these guys in the multiverse are there that went into law?! Okay, Phoenix… say something confident. Something to shake him up and throw it right back in his face.) "Um… we'll see about that!"
"Hmm hmm, indeed we will. And it'll be one of the last things you ever see," Payne said, even smugger than before.
Phoenix gulped hard. (Perfect. Just perfect. Pony Payne is even worse than Gaspen Payne! Why couldn't I have gotten pony Franziska Von Karma?)
Just then, the image of a bluish mare with a gray mane wielding a whip found its way into Phoenix's mind.
(On second thought, I'll take Payne over Von Karma. Or even Trixie again if that's an option. At least there's less whips…)
"Wait a minute, why are we under arrest?" Dan demanded. "If this is about the security camera, I'm captain of the Sparkle Guard! I'm allowed to modify existing public structures in accordance with holiday safety if I deem it necessary for Twilight!"
Writhe raised an eyebrow from behind his shades. "And what holiday did you make this modification for? I wasn't aware of one on the calendar."
"How about "I'm Gonna Kick Your Pony Ass Day?" Dan asked.
Payne only smirked back at him. "That's not a holiday."
"We could make it one," Dan fired back. "We'll start a brand new holiday tradition right now. Bend over and get ready to celebrate."
Payne's smile grew wider. "Kinky."
"Oh my…" Sombra remarked.
Dan stood there, dumbfounded. "Did… did you just turn what I said into an innuendo?"
The prosecutor smirked. "I don't think you needed my help for that, Mr. Dan."
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Hmm hmm," Payne chuckled. "At any rate, you released Sombra, a detained suspect without authorization. That's grounds for arrest, you know."
"I…" Dan stopped. He then realized the stallion was exactly right.
"The Director guy tricked us!" Spike exclaimed. "This is all a trap!"
Dan turned to Sombra. "And YOU! YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS!"
"I thought you were breaking me out!" Sombra yelled. "Why else would you be there?!"
"We said we were there to defend you! In court!" Phoenix said. "That should at least imply what we're trying to do is legal!"
Sombra took a moment to process the statement. "I suppose that does explain it."
"Hmm hmm," Payne chuckled again, "so you see, none of you were authorized to move or even to interact with the prisoner. Therefore, you'll be detained until we can determine the full extent of your interference."
"Interference?" Dan asked. "He was in a cardboard box!" A realization struck Dan and he turned to Sombra. "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN A CARDBOARD BOX?!!"
The shadowy pony turned away. "The box had a special spell placed over it that I could not undo. I was trapped inside, unable to use my magic or teleport outside. It's likely any material would've worked as a prison with the proper magic."
"Terrific. That's just… terrific," Dan said, pinching his brow. "We'll have to make sure you don't accidentally fall into a bucket of KFC or get trapped in a camping tent."
"I've seen that happen before, actually," Phoenix remarked. "With the camping tent. It's surprisingly easy to get tangled up in those things. It happened to a friend of mine."
"We're taking an RV if we go camping," Dan stated. "Maybe after we demolish all the Magic Gears, we can make a winnebago and go on vacation."
"That's assuming your parole will allow that," Payne said, adjusting his glasses again. "Of course, if they banish you to the sun, moon or Tartarus, you could think of that as a permanent vacation."
"Maybe I'll send YOU on vacation with a-…" Dan stopped himself. The others noticed it. Payne stood with an eager smirk on his face, Dan could tell he was waiting to turn around whatever he was about to say. "With a… with a, uh… and I'll…"
Payne's eyebrow raised again.
Phoenix grabbed Dan by the shoulder. "Dan, be careful what you say to him. He could use anything we say against us in the trial."
"Gnrrrrrrrrrrr," Dan growled, rage building.
"Hmm hmm hmm," Payne laughed, turning his back to them and exiting. "Don't worry, Mr. Dan; I won't disclose your expressed desires to the courtroom. But I do appreciate the confession- it will most certainly help my case."
"C-confession?" Phoenix asked. "But then… oh no… this whole conversation is being recorded!"
"Thanks for noticing, Mr. Wright!" Payne waved.
Dan's blood began to boil. His limbs vibrated and his entire body shook with rage. His fists balled, he threw them up into the air and shouted
"ACE ATTORNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Payne looked back over his shoulder and smiled at the group. "You just got turned about!"
"Wow…" Firedancer said. "That guy's a prick. I'd hate to be on his bad side." He looked at Dan and the others. "So what are the guards here for?"
None of them answered him. The guards pointed their lances, which were the same lances they usually used in jousting tournaments, at the four suspects.
Dan reluctantly raised his arms with a scowl. "You gonna put us in a cardboard box or have we been upgraded to styrofoam?"
"Move. Now," the guard instructed, his voice stoic. The others all followed suit, bipeds raising their arms/claws and Sombra and Firedancer leading the group down the hallway.
They were escorted at lance-point by the guards into a small room. There were no bars and the door was sliding glass, simple but reinforced. The guards forced them in and closed the door behind them, locking it with an electronic seal of some kind. Without a word, the guards about faced and left them.
Dan prodded the glass with his thumb. "Well, I could probably break us out of here if Sombra or Spike would like to volunteer their horns or claws. Or teeth."
The two covered their mouths in response, shying away from the goatee'd escape artist.
"WELL DON'T EVERYBODY VOLUNTEER ALL AT ONCE."
"I kinda need my claws… and teeth," Spike said. "For specific dragon-related things."
"I'm gonna be delicate," Dan defended. "Do I not perform every action with carefully calculated precision and finesse?"
Spike's lip trembled. "D-do I have to answer that question?"
The three of them began a deliberation about various escape plans that may or may not have involved using them to break through solid material with varying degrees of success. Phoenix turned his attention to Firedancer, who was busy occupying himself with a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic coloring and activity booklet that even came with stickers. He laid down in the middle of the floor and went to coloring in a picture of Sunset Shimmer. There was a shelf of books and even a magazine rack in the room, along with a few chairs for furniture. It looked more like a waiting room than a jail cell.
"Looks like they left us with some entertainment," Phoenix said.
"Yeah but the box of crayons is missing a few colors," Firedancer said. "I was in here before you guys showed up."
"The trial's that sensitive they're detaining the witnesses, too?"
Firedancer rubbed his neck. "Well… not all of us. Just me, actually."
"Why is that?"
Firedancer shrugged. "I guess the six of us just make other ponies nervous," he said with a light chuckle. "Me and my brothers, well… we kinda have our quirks, I guess."
Phoenix crouched down next to him. "You and your brothers seem very unique. There are six of you?"
The stallion nodded while coloring. "Yeah; me, Lightning Claw, Ice Pick, Rock Saw, Wind Tunnel and Wave Runner. Vice says we're like a new set of elements or something for the new Equestria but I don't really get it. He says he doesn't like magic but then most of his stuff involves a lot of magic. It gets really confusing sometimes," he said. "Hey, could you pass me the box?
"Sure," Phoenix grabbed the box and handed it to him. "You're drawing a blue Sunset Shimmer?"
"Yeah," Firedancer said, holding up the booklet. "They're missing a few of the colors so I have to make do with what I have. So, viola! Sapphire Sunset!"
Phoenix nodded, impressed. "Not a bad name. It looks pretty nice."
He lowered it back to the floor. "Thanks. I wish I had a lighter blue for her eyes, though. But they don't have that color."
"Maybe you could make that color," Phoenix suggested.
"How?"
Phoenix picked up the blue crayon which curiously matched the color of his suit. "May I?"
Firedancer nodded. "Sure."
The ace attorney colored in Sunset's eyes with the blue crayon, carefully coloring inside the lines. "Sometimes you can combine two colors together and make something new, even what you need. Sometimes, it's even a little better than just using one color." He then picked up a yellow crayon and lightly brushed over it in even circles. He just lightly touched the edge of the crayon to the blue until Sunset's eyes became not green but began turning a lighter shade of blue. "There you go."
"Heh, thanks," Firedancer said. "Well, I guess it's finished. I guess there's nothing else to do with the crayons now," he said, holding the box in his lap.
"I actually have something," Phoenix said. He pulled out a folded white paper from his coat pocket. "They actually forgot to color this in when they drew it," he said, unfolding it for Firedancer.
Firedancer looked over the piece of paper. ""TX-99 Type VG Master Gear"?" he asked. "Where'd you get this?"
"A couple new clients gave me a copy," Phoenix answered. "They like building machines, too." (I'll have to remember to ask for cash up front the next time I represent them.)
"Cool," Firedancer said. He spread it over the activity book on the floor. "What color should we make it?"
"How about… umm… gray?" Phoenix suggested.
"Ha, same color as my coat," Firedancer said and happily began coloring.
Phoenix looked over the pony's shoulder. "It sure is uh, intimidating."
"Oh yeah," Firedancer said. "I've actually seen where they're building the real one."
"I see," Phoenix said. "At uh… Prosperity Mountain, was it?"
"Yeah," the pony replied. "It's gonna be even bigger than the Mentor Gears when they finally finish it. But Vice is only making one of them so that he and Dan and all of us can lead the Arcane Gears for the assault on Earth."
"Arcane Gears?" Phoenix asked. "And those are…?"
"Big battleship thingies," Firedancer said. "The sea ponies are building them underwater, two of them. All the Magic Gears are gonna be inside of them and then when they get to Earth, they all jump out and swarm all over the world blowing up everything," he made a big explosion-shape with his hooves. "Pretty cool, huh?"
"And he needs Dan for this attack?"
Firedancer nodded. "Yeah, most humans, like you, get summoned here by ponies when they need you for stuff. But Vice says that humans can summon ponies and stuff from Equestria to Earth if they have a strong enough magical connection. And it has to be specific, like, the only things that get summoned are whatever the pony or human really wants at the time," he explained while coloring in the Master Gear.
"So, Vice Grip wants to use Dan to summon his army?"
He nodded again. "Yep. He thinks Twilight or somepony summoned Dan to Equestria so they can put him back. Or Chrys can turn into whoever did it and then she can send him back to Earth. And Dan will reappear right where he was right before he came here."
"I was about to crash into the ocean!" Dan exclaimed.
"JEEZ!" Phoenix jumped. "Ha-have you been listening this whole time?"
"Sure, Sunset Shimmer's blue now. Whatever. What's this about him teleporting me back to Earth?" Dan demanded.
Firedancer got up and backed away from the picture. "I… um, I'm not sure…"
"Dan," Phoenix turned to him, "I'm trying to get somewhere with the kid."
"I'm eighteen."
"Fascinating," Dan said to the pony. He then turned to Phoenix. "Are you sure about anything this guy tells us? He could be lying. Or worse. Vice could be listening in through him, trying to feed us false information."
"I… actually hadn't thought of that," Phoenix admitted. "But there's still a lot we can learn if we work with him rather than trying to threaten him."
"All right," Dan said. "So you wanna do a little good cop/bad cop? Get Spike to hold a microphone?"
"No, no look… just let me keep talking to him," Phoenix said. "I think his information is trustworthy."
"Okay, Nicky," Dan said, nodding. "You're good with the details so I'll leave this to you. Spike, which of your claws would you say you like slash need the least?"
"I really think we should try teleporting again. It just seems like we didn't really try to teleport with every angle-"
"I'm not doing that again without a helmet," Sombra said.
"You heard him, Spike. Gimme the claw."
"I WANNA TALK TO MY AGENT! HELP!!"
Phoenix turned back to Firedancer, who was hiding behind the bookshelf with his tail sticking out. "It's all right. They went back to trying to get the door open."
The stallion poked his head out again. "Oh… yeah, I can tell. I just… I'm sorry, I don't like confrontations."
"It's all right," Phoenix said, patting the pony on the shoulder. "We're just trying to help out our friends. Dan might be kind of hostile but he's a nice guy once you get to know him. He means well and he cares about everypony… in his own way."
"Yeah… it looks like that way involves a lot of yelling," Firedancer said.
"More than you can imagine," Phoenix said. "But Dan is still my friend. Do you know how Vice Grip is planning on using him to summon the Magic Gears to Earth?"
"Well…" Firedancer stepped out from behind the shelf. "Summoning spells are specific. The only reason why a human would summon a bunch of Magic Gears would be to blow up Earth. And Dan's the only person who would ever be angry enough at humanity to want to blow up every city on Earth."
"How does Vice know all this?" Phoenix asked.
"Vice Grip was on…" Firedancer trailed off all of a sudden. "Vice was…" He grabbed his head and shook.
"Vice was on…?"
Firedancer shook his head again, then looked up. "What?"
"Vice Grip," Phoenix said. "We were talking about Dan and Vice Grip."
"Oh yeah, sorry," Firedancer said. "Vice Grip was on Dan's plane. The Trans Toler-whatever thing."
"Vice was on the plane?"
Firedancer nodded. "Yeah and the Director, too. He even looked right at her but he didn't recognize her."
"Her?" Phoenix asked. "But the Director's a guy."
Firedancer shrugged. "I dunno. She seems like a girl to me. But she wants to seem like a lot of stuff… anyway, Vice actually wasn't there spying on Dan but the Director was. But Vice got Dan's text message after he fell out of the plane."
"A… text message?"
"Yeah," Firedancer said. "Dan made like a list of all the things he wanted to get revenge on, which is pretty much everything. He even put "Everything" on it so Vice can pretty much use that as a spell. If he puts Dan back in the same situation, makes him that mad again, he can summon all the Magic Gears to Earth and they can blow everything up. Pretty specific, huh?"
"Incredibly specific," Dan said. "I tried to send that message to Chris. I've been pissed off at everything- clothing stores, shopping malls, golf courses, hotels, people who text while riding bicycles. And there are people like that, things like that in every city on Earth. The way the message is formatted… it does make it look like I want revenge on the whole world," he remarked solemnly. "I guess I didn't realize it at the time."
Dan pulled out his cell phone. The message, still registering as unsent, was preserved in its entirety in his phone's memory. He hadn't been able to use the texting function of his cell phone since arriving in Equestria; the message was still unsent, trapped in a limbo between Equestria and Earth. As he scrolled through it, he remembered the way he felt, the way he would feel again even now.
Thinking about things in different ways changes how we feel about them. Looking at something from a different perspective or in a different context can change our opinion of it, interpreting it in a different way. But how we feel about it in a certain context can still remain; rather than changing an opinion, another one is made. Like universes overlapping, your opinion can incorporate both positive and negative- yes and at the same time no. It's contradictions like this that cause friction and at the same time, resolve for individuals like Dan.
Everything. It was a list of things that Dan hated… and at the same time loved. And it was only since coming to Equestria that he realized it.
"I am just like Vice Grip," Dan said. He slowly put his back to the wall and slumped to the floor. "All this time… he's doing exactly what I've been doing. Trying to make his world a better place by any means necessary."
"Dan," Phoenix put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Don't let him get to you. You're not trying to blow up or hurt anything… are you?" He looked at Dan's eyes, still staring into the distance. "Dan?"
Dan looked up at Phoenix. "Of course I'm trying to blow up somepony. I'M TRYING TO BLOW UP VICE GRIP!! 'Let him get to me?'" Dan stood up. "Did you forget who you're talking to, Nicky?"
Phoenix exhaled, along with Sombra and Spike. "You… you did have me kinda worried for a second."
"Ha, I'll have you worried for longer than a second before this is over, Nicky," he patted the lawyer on the back, which somehow consoled him and made him even more concerned at the same time. Which he ultimately found reassuring. "Well, we got good news and bad news about the door."
Phoenix looked at the door, covered in scratch marks that blurred the glass. There were even scorch marks where Dan had apparently tried to use Spike's fire breath as a makeshift blowtorch. "You guys weren't able to unlock it?"
"Actually, it was open the entire time," Dan said, rubbing the back of his neck. Phoenix noticed Sombra and Spike in the corner, curled into balls. "We probably would've noticed that if we took two seconds to examine the door. But the guards are right outside in the hallway. So we're still stuck here."
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. "But couldn't we take out the guards or just teleport past them or-"
"Shhh," Spike climbed on Phoenix's back and covered his mouth with his dulled claw. "The audience has to have something to complain about."
"And that's the message of this chapter," Sombra said. "You can like and hate something at the same time."
"Now, before the trial tomorrow, I have a few questions of my own for Firedancer," Dan said, walking over to the stallion. He hid behind the shelf adorably in response.
"Oh no," Phoenix said, predicting what Dan was about to do. "Don't tell me it's good cop/bad cop time."
"Not exactly," Dan bent down and picked up the piece of paper off the floor. "Firedancer," he said, holding the picture of the Master Gear up to the pony, "If you were me and you wanted to break one of these things, where exactly would you hit it to make it blow up?"
Firedancer smiled at Dan. He went over with all of them the details of Vice Grip's Master Gear and what his plans. He told them all he could about FIST, even Vice Grip, the mysterious Director and his brothers. He was still intimidated a bit by Dan but he found that he was a nice guy, too, and gained a new respect for him. It was a strange feeling at first but then it started to feel natural. He was just happy to help his new friends.
Episode 7 Bonus Scene pt. 1: Phantom Lightning Power
Despite all the activity, Prosperity Mountain actually felt pretty quiet to Lightning Claw. FIST security guards, Enclave pegasus troops and all manner of machinery, equipment and Magic Gears were always busy but there wasn't much actual talking. A female voice on the intercom system Lightning couldn't identify often made announcements but other than that, none of the other ponies spoke. It was easy to bump into somepony if you weren't looking where you were going.
This was a stark contrast to Lightning Claw's last job. Cloudsdale was always lively and ponies there were constantly shouting orders, yelling updates and talking with one another, just being social. It was one of the many things about Cloudsdale he missed and one of the things he hoped he could get back to eventually. For now though, quiet worked just fine for him.
The exterior of the mountain base was divided into four sections: Stable 5, the railway station and the entrance to the mining complex were to the south, the train tracks went both through and around the mountain to the east and west sides, with cargo and supply stations on either side to aid with deliveries. The north section was a collection of large hangars for the Magic Gears, smaller hangars for vehicles like the Flutterbirds and tanks stolen from Earth and support buildings and barracks mostly used by the Enclave troops. The only ponies who ever saw any of it were those permitted to be here by Vice Grip.
Lightning Claw had access to the entire facility, given to him by Vice Grip himself, not that he could use it without somepony telling him he was getting in the way. But there were some places that he could go without being yelled at and he was headed to one of those now.
One of the large hangars to the back had been reserved for something called a Shagohod, a giant hover tank or something that Vice had kept from a long time ago. It was apparently a precursor of some kind to the Magic Gears but it looked like a giant black-and-orange turtle to Lightning Claw. Vice Grip had told him it was for "something special" but he wouldn't say what that was. He also claimed that he hadn't built it himself, which was even more confusing. Lightning didn't understand why he needed so many machines. Then again, most of them did break, so maybe it was a good idea to have multiple different designs.
Lightning entered the hangar quietly, closing the metal door behind him. The building was huge and dark, his hoof steps would echo off the walls. The power to the building had also been disconnected since Vice moved the Shagohod so he had to turn on the lights himself. Lightning aimed a hoof high at the lights on the ceiling and fired a bolt at each. After being struck, each light turned on, one by one. His own electricity was indigo-colored like his coat and it illuminated the hangar in the same dark purple-blue.
He went over to his corner on the north side of the building, just to the left of where he came in. This was where he kept his "collection", some of his most prized possessions. With all the rules and limited space of Prosperity Mountain, Lightning didn't have a lot of space to his own to play anything but video games, watch t.v or read, so one of his favorite hobbies, he'd had to find space for. Fortunately, the hangar was perfect for this task, so long as no pony wanted to use it again.
Lightning stood before them and concentrated, feeling electricity build through his entire body. He focused it into his forelegs, feeling his mane and coat begin to stand on end. He stood and projected an electric field from his front hooves, a gentle aura of electricity that bloomed outward and affected the objects in front of them. Using his forelegs to control them, he made them jump off the shelf one by one, some taking flight and others rolling around.
He was able to control all of the remote-controlled vehicles with his electricity, his magic-embued lightning that his body generated. Vice Grip had his army, Lightning Claw had his. He made them fly and dance, roll around over tracks and ramps made from leftover parts, boxes, metal, pipes and lumber. The RC helicopters and planes he liked to make dance like acrobats, fly in formation or pretend dogfight each other. He could spend hours making new tracks or structures, make loops and buildings for the planes and choppers to fly through. A lot of times, he would even fly with them while controlling them.
To Lightning Claw, this was about the most fun he could have. He wished he had somepony to play with him, though, even had a set of controls in case somepony did. For now, though, he was content to play in the hangar and had even constructed a model Ponyville and Sweet Apple Acres for his models to drive and fly around, all built to scale. He was even making his own Cloudsdale out of some leftover metal and insulation material that resembled clouds but was itchy to the touch. Lightning could shock it and it would float on its if he reversed the polarity and made it magnetic. Soon, he would have his own model Equestria to play with.
He had always been interested in remote control vehicles. When he was the weather manager for Ponyville, he tried using a model plane to clear the sky of clouds for an important event. He just wanted to change things up a bit, maybe have some fun in the process and make his job a little easier. Of course, this hadn't worked and he'd wound up losing his first model plane when he accidentally ran it into Spitfire while she was training with Soarin. To be fair, she'd actually ran into his plane but trying to argue that had proved pointless. Other pegasi just didn't like things crowding up the sky.
His planes and helicopters performed loops both with and without his guidance. He was able to fully control them, program them with his electricity, using every volt and bolt to move and instruct them. He only had to stop and recharge them every so often, then maybe head to the refrigerator for a juice box or a snack to recharge himself. After a while, he decided to do just that, and teleported to a small fridge connected to a portable battery, the only thing in the hanger not powered by himself.
Lightning Claw combined two pizza Lunchables together to make a pizza sandwich, even toasted it with his electricity until the cheese was melty and the sauce was nice and cooked. Being your own power plant had its advantages but it used a lot of his own energy so he had to eat often. Alicorns in general had a higher metabolism than other ponies, that combined with his special condition meant he had to snack more frequently. He was always careful to use the excess energy though, or otherwise he could wind up putting on extra weight, which would actually act as an insulator and inhibit his powers. So afterwards, he would be sure to do some flying, zap a few things to discharge any extra electricity. Sometimes, he even caused thunderstorms just for fun. He made sure to do this over unpopulated areas, of course.
He finished his sandwich and washed it down with a fruit punch juice box. There were only two left so it was about time to make another supply run. He watched his planes fly, almost like pegasi themselves and imagined one day returning to Cloudsdale with an army of them, impressing all his old friends. Getting his old job back with Vice Grip's help. He let himself smile at the thought of making his friends and everypony happy again. Unfortunately, he was unaware Vice Grip had different plans in mind. Or maybe he didn't want to be aware.
As he was finishing his juice box, he noticed something strange. There was another helicopter in the room, a model Flutterbird. He didn't remember getting a model Flutterbird… or powering one up when it was on the shelf after walking in the door. He threw away the juice box and flew up to it, just now noticing it wasn't under his control. Suddenly, all the other vehicles started acting on their own. His electric magic stopped controlling them and they began moving by themselves, as if controlled by somepony else.
"What…?" Lightning looked around. "Is anypony else in here? Hello?" His voice echoed off the walls. He flew back down to the shelves, looking over them again. He picked up the box at the bottom where the remote controls were, the box itself dusty because he didn't use them. Opening the box, he saw them all there. Every control was there, all the ones he had, anyway. Most of the vehicles were ones he'd found or salvaged and he didn't have the controls for them. With his electricity, he hadn't needed them. And whatever was controlling them now didn't need them either.
"Hello? Is anypony else here?" he yelled. Again, there was no answer. The planes and helicopters continued to move without his control, without power. "Um… if this is a joke, I don't really get it. H-hello?"
He reached out with his hooves again and jolted the vehicles. They started moving under his control but the electricity quickly dissipated, evaporating like it had been drained right out of them. Then, they were back on their own, moving by themselves under a strange phantom power. He flew up to one of the planes but it began flying away from him. It flew faster than he could to the point he couldn't catch it. He tried to grab one of the trucks off the floor, finally using his short range telekinesis to grab it.
He looked at the truck, its wheels spinning without batteries, without power. Suddenly, it glowed and moved back to the floor, speeding away without him. His heart began to race as everything in the model world he created went beyond his control. The unfinished model Cloudsdale rose up on its own, carried into the air by no visible force. Panic set in.
Lighting turned around to head for the door, find help, escape and he saw the model Flutterbird hovering right behind him. It was facing him, flying eye level as if it was watching him.
"Please… I don't have anything! I just wanna leave!"
"Why leave so soon?" the Flutterbird asked him in a familiar voice. "We're about to have some fun!"
Episode 7 Bonus Scene pt. 2: Shock and Awe- Lightning Claw Vs. Discord!
Lightning backed away from the possessed toy, heart in his throat. "F-fun? Wha-what kind of fun?"
"Oh, the kind you're used to!" the chopper said. It began spinning, twirling around in midair. It spun rapidly, unraveling itself into a taller shape until it changed into something else, something much more familiar. "The kind that's my speciality- complete and utter chaos!" Discord announced, claw and paw outstretched.
"Oh," Lightning said, no longer frightened. "It's you."
"Ah, but of course! My reputation precedes me. But I don't believe we've been formally acquainted," the draconequus said. "Hmm, now, just where are my manners?" A briefcase appeared next to him and opened up, spilling out files, a rubber duck and a pair of long johns onto the floor. "Ah! Here they are." A scroll unfurled itself in front of Discord's face and he pulled out a pair of novelty glasses to read it. "Let's see here… oh, my name is Discord. 'Extend paw for greeting gesture.'" He looked back to Lightning and smiled, holding out his paw to shake the pony's hoof.
Reluctantly, Lightning grabbed the paw and shook gently. "I'm Lightning Claw."
"It is a…" he looked at the scroll again, still shaking Lightning's hoof. "Pleasure toooooooo…" he flipped it over to the back. "Meet you. Yes, it is a pleasure to meet you Lightning Claw!"
"Yeah… likewise…" Lightning said, still awkwardly shaking and being shook by Discord.
"Absolutely!" Discord proclaimed. The parchment, briefcase and glasses suddenly disappeared. A pair of handcuffs materialized and latched Lightning's hoof with Discord's paw.
"What? Hey, what's going on?!"
Discord smirked at Lightning. "You're under arrest, kiddo. Anyway," another list appeared before Discord's eyes. "You have the right to remain silent," he snapped his claw talons and Lightning's mouth disappeared.
"MMMM!!! MMM-MMM-MMM!!" Lightning frantically rubbed his muzzle, starting to panic again.
"Anything you say against may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney," Discord snapped his fingers and another version of Discord appeared dressed like Phoenix Wright.
"OBJECTION! My client has done nothing wrong! And the arresting officer is clearly outside the jurisdiction of Equestrian law! This is an unlawful arrest!"
A judge Discord suddenly appeared high on a judge's bench. "Overruled! Discord has special orders from Princess Tia and Princess Lulu to enforce the contract violations with FIST of which your client is clearly a part of!"
"Oh… crap…" the Wright Discord slunk. He patted Lightning on the back. "Sorry, kid. You're on your own." The bar representing Wrightcord's psyche gauge exploded, bottoming out. He and the judge then poofed into thin air.
"MM-MMMMM!!" Lightning struggled as Discord pulled him along. The hoof cuffs began to separate, stretching like they were elastic instead of metal. Discord continued reading the parchment while dragging the stallion to the door.
"Looks like I'm also supposed to confiscate all your toys, and not just the remote control ones, either. Any property relating to the Magic Gears is supposed to be returned to Equestria to be taken care of by Tia and Lulu. Tough break."
Lightning rubbed his muzzle desperately, finally wiping away the magic obscuring his mouth. "MM…MMmm-Pleh! Pleh!" he spit a couple times. "I'm not coming with you!"
Discord looked over his shoulder, finally reaching the door. "I'm afraid you don't have a choice, bub. You're just going to have to come along quietly." He snapped his fingers and Lightning's mouth disappeared again. A muzzle and a straight jacket also appeared around him accompanied by more hoof cuffs that bound his legs. A ball and chain attached itself to his tail and the combined weight of the objects made his legs tremble. Still, he stood, defiantly struggling against Discord's pulls. Finally, a dunce cap appeared on his head and Lightning collapsed.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Discord walked over to the broken stallion. "What's the phrase again? Ah yes, resistance is futile. Hmm… feels like I've heard that somewhere before. Oh, well. Let's get going, cadet."
A low hum began to fill the air. The lights on the ceiling began to flicker. "Hmm? Looks like you forgot to pay your electric bill. Perhaps we can-" The hairs on Discord's paw began to stand on end. The hum began to grow louder. "What's this?" the draconequus asked. "Hehheh, oh stop it! That tickles!" He snapped his talons and a set of heavy rubber vulcanized tires wrapped around Lightning Claw. The insulation momentarily stopped the surge. "I'm fond of the joy buzzer myself but you gotta know how to use it."
The lights suddenly started getting brighter. An aura of electricity began to build around Lightning Claw, still bound. Static electricity began to make Discord's hair stand up again, tickling him. "Hahahaha! Ha, I-I'm warning you," Discord said between laughs, "resisting arrest won't help your case!" He snapped his talons again and an entire ball of heavily-insulated rubber encompassed Lightning Claw in a purple sphere.
The lights became almost blinding. "HAHA! HAHA! STOP IT!!" Discord yelled. He writhed on the floor, laughing as all the hairs and feathers on his body began to stand on end. "If this is some kind of trick, it'll just be one more thing you're charged with!!"
"That's not a bad idea," Lightning said, still bound and muzzled. "I'm not yet fully charged."
"AH-HA! AH-HA AH-" A lightning bolt surged through the hoof cuffs connecting Lightning Claw and Discord. It struck the draconequus, electrifying him. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"
The rubber confinement exploded, a blast of electricity and fire burning the restraints to cinders. The lights on the ceiling exploded as well, sending sparks cascading down to the floor. The bolt of lightning that erupted from the ball ripped a tear in the metal ceiling overhead, creating a long gash that light filtered through.
Lightning Claw stood in the remains of the restraints, now ash at his hooves. A black scorch mark was under him, the edges of his hooves crackled with electricity. "You should be careful what you charge me with. You might not like my feedback."
Discord stood, wiping the ash off himself. "So, you've got a little spark of something in you, haven't you, eh watt? That's fine by me," the fiend snapped his paw and a giant Duracell battery appeared. Oh wait, no it says Discordcell on the side; it just looks like a Duracell. "They all run out of power eventually."
"Then I hope you packed extra batteries." Lightning raised both his hooves and fired twin bolts of lightning at Discord. The draconequus jumped behind the battery and the lightning collided with the battery's positive side. The battery glowed and then exploded, transforming into a giant Energizer bunny version of Discord.
"Oh, I don't need batteries!" the Discord-rabbit said. "I just keep going and going and going and going!!" He raised a massive drum stick into the air, scraping a few of the lights on the ceiling and dislodging it. Discord held the drum stick high for a moment, then brought it down at Lightning Claw.
Lightning teleport-dodged at the last second and the drumstick smashed into the floor, destroying several Ponyville model buildings. The shockwaves caused a light panel to fall to the floor and shatter, scattering glass. "Time to put your lights out, spark plug!" He pounded on the massive drum in front of him, reverberating sound waves outward. The sound waves hit Lightning Claw and vibrated through his body, nearly incapacitating him.
"Turn down for watt, right?" Discord asked, pounding away. He then rose his left drumstick, which was actually a chicken leg, and prepared to pound Lightning again. He continued pounding with the other, keeping his prey paralyzed. "Not a bad drum solo, huh? Unfortunately, it looks like you just can't keep up the tempo!" He brought the leg down. "So here comes the beat down!"
Fighting through the noise, Lightning reached out to the light panel nearby and fired a bolt at it. The cracked panel glowed bright and exploded, blinding Discord momentarily. "AHH!" He dropped both of the drum sticks and was forced to wipe the spots out of his eyes. "Grrr… clever little light bulb, aren't you?"
"One of us has to be!" Lightning said, flying up. "I'm the only one here with the bright ideas! But maybe you just need a hug!" He grabbed Discord's rabbit nose and discharged. Discord's face lit up like a Christmas tree.
"GYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" The drum exploded, lightning struck more of the lights overhead, overcharging them. Discord spun, turning into a wrap again and shrinking. He spun around, returning to his usual form.
"You done toying around, yet?" Lightning asked coyly. "You should've gotten a surge protector. Not that it would've helped."
Discord scowled. "Oh, I'm just getting warmed up, my little fusebox." Plaid-colored magic swirled around Discord's paw and claw. His limbs turned into twin magnets. "You like things to be high-voltage? Then let's amp things up!" He fired his own blasts of electromagnetic energy at Lightning, twin indigo-plaid beams of rippling magical power.
Lightning fired his own electrical blast from his broken horn, stopping the beams from hitting him. The electrical bolts collided, sparking and twisting as they crashed into each other in midair.
Discord pulled one of the magnets behind his back and retrieved a bigger magnet with the word ACME inscribed on it. He pulsed both at Lightning, using the increased power to push his electricity back.
Lightning raised both of his wings up, flaring his feathers out. He began drawing electricity out of the air around him and channeled it into his hooves, increasing his electrical output. He rose up and added his hooves to his horn's lightning attack, forcing back Discord's magnetic blast.
Discord responded by producing more limbs with more ACME magnets, unleashing an arsenal's worth of magnetism at the opposing stallion. It turned out to be too many magnets, and bits of metal began to rise and cling to Discord, weighing him down.
"Enough voltage… can overload… any amount of ohms!" Lightning shouted. He stomped the ground, sending an electric-powered shockwave through the floor. Discord was knocked off his feet and an a blast of lightning was heading right toward him. He used the magnet to raise up a piece of sheet metal, narrowly avoiding the blast at the last second.
"What are you, an electrician?!" Discord yelled, withering under the electric blast.
Lightning moved closer, blasting the shield with a continuous combined bolt of electricity. "Nah, I just have an electric personality!"
"Oh, har har, spare me!" Discord said. He braced himself against the shield and raised another magnet, shooting at some refuse. "Or, make that spare parts!" He flung bits and models at Lightning, forcing his electricity to hit them and arc to them. His lightning nearly shocked him back. Lightning stopped his electric attack at the last second and dodged the scrap, rolling to the side.
The stallion recovered quickly, panting. "Ha… ha… you'll run out of tricks before I run out of power!" he called to the fiend. "Maybe Celestia should've sent Trixie instead! At least then, I might be impressed!"
"Oh, I still have plenty of tricks up my sleeve, spark plug," Discord said but didn't reveal himself. The metal panel he'd been using as a shield still stood up, a formidable cover against Lightning's attacks.
Lightning walked over to the panel, carefully picking it up in case Discord was still behind it. But he wasn't; even the magnet attached to the panel was gone. Lightning looked around, trying to locate him so he didn't get the drop on him.
"Behind you, pal!" Discord said.
Lightning looked up. Discord was on the metal panel. Well, he wasn't ON the panel so much as in it. The fiend had made himself a picture on the iron, like a work of art, he was even posing. The metal wrapped itself around Lightning's hooves, threatening to engulf him.
"Gah! AAAAAGGGH-nnnnggg," Lightning struggled against the metal sheet. He shocked the metal, electrifying the entire piece and Discord within.
"AAAAAAARGH!!" Discord screeched, releasing his captive.
The piece of metal clanged to the floor as Discord let go. Lightning took to the air, careful not to get too close to any other objects. "Give it up, Discord! You'd have better luck catching me if you were a stone statue again!"
"Or just stone." Discord took to the floor, appearing now as a giant picture of himself. "I do believe it's time to end this, my little electric pony." The artwork Discord brought his arms out and the entire building began to shake. The walls began to buckle inward and the ceiling scrunched up. The gash leaking in light closed and the whole building became pitch dark. It shrank, crumpling like tinfoil around Lightning Claw.
Lightning aimed his hooves at the floor, sending bolts into it. The electricity dissipated against the concrete and Discord just smirked back at him. The walls closed in, the ceiling forced him closer to the floor.
"I have to say, it's quite interesting being one of the 'good guys' for once. I think I'll enjoy this. Maybe the'll even make you a statue in the garden like I was, once it's fixed. Would you like me to recommend a good pose for you?"
"Haha… ha ha ha ha ha…" Lightning laughed. The metal of the walls began to wrap around him, curling into more restraints and pushing him down as the building shrank. The floor grew closer to him, the picture of the confident Discord getting closer and closer to him.
"You're going to laugh as your pose? Nice idea, but I already did that one," Discord said.
"No… no, it's about you being a 'good guy.' That's pretty funny," Lightning said.
"Oh? And exactly why is that?"
"This might come as a shock to you, Discord," Lightning said, grinning. The sound of thunder in the background made Discord's smile fade. "But you're just not good enough." Lightning grabbed the wires from the lights, rammed his hoof through the light switch which was now pressed up against him and bit down on the loose cabling from the ceiling.
A bolt of lightning hit the shrunken building, which now was the perfect conduit for a lightning rod. The electricity surged through the metal, surged through Lightning Claw, surged through the wires he was attached to… and into the building's foundation.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Discord screamed. Electricity ripped through the concrete scorching it black. Explosions rippled through the building's base and finally, the crushed building itself exploded in a fireball of crackling electricity followed by a flash of white light.
Lights on every building in the base flickered. Power was knocked out. Lightning's models took off by themselves, fleeing the destruction and flying or driving away from the wreckage.
Enclave ponies and FIST guards all gathered around the explosion. Once power was restored, alarm klaxons began to ring out. A thunderstorm had appeared over Prosperity Mountain. It had happened so quickly, not even the pegasi had noticed it, nor had they scheduled it. Not that they did this far north of Equestria but it was still strange enough to focus most gazes on the sky.
A light rain pattered the burned concrete. More thunder in the distance followed. The place where the hangar had been was a solid scorched square, almost completely black and smoldering. There was not a piece of debris to be seen.
From out of the smoke, Discord appeared, burned and clutching his side. Weak, he stumbled and fell, unable to stand. The ponies around him kept their distance. He rose his paw to snap his fingers… but they were too burned to make any audible noise. They rubbed against each other, small bits of ash descended to the ground to combine with the rain and make black puddles.
"I remember before you broke out," Lightning's voice said. "It wasn't always easy clearing the skies. Rogue storms and clouds would always pop up, always need to be taken care of quickly. The weather's pretty chaotic, so you could say I had some prior experience to your type of magic."
Discord couldn't see him. He rolled onto his back, staring up at the clouds. Rain hit his face and it was just then he noticed his tooth was broken, as was his antler. Lightning Claw appeared over him from the side.
"Tia and Lulu want to shut our operation down? Tell them they can come try it themselves. I'll be waiting for them," Lightning said.
Discord looked up at Lightning, struggled to speak. "You… you don't have to do this. The world… he wants you to make… it won't be Equestria. It won't be anything; not chaos, not harmony… just ash."
Lightning raised his foreleg. It crackled with electricity. "Then it won't need you."
Discord's eyes went wide before a lightning-powered hoof stomped down on his face. And then he saw nothing.
Rain hadn't been scheduled in Canterlot, much less a thunderstorm. Either it was a massive amount of rogue weather or something else was happening.
"We just got word from Cloudsdale, ma'am. None of the pegasi had anything to do with this storm," Nightshade said. He and Princess Celestia and Luna galloped through the halls of the castle to the entrance.
"We have to get the Wonderbolts and Rainbow Dash to clear this up right away! We're still repairing the damage to the gardens; this much water could flood the under levels!" Celestia said.
"What could've caused this?" Luna asked. The three of them rounded a corner, getting close to the entrance. "A storm of this size appearing so quickly and without pegasi intervention is unheard of!"
"We have to get to the bottom of this once the skies are cleared!" Celestia said back. She opened the door to the courtyard. "We may even have to get more pegasi to watch-" She stopped mid sentence.
"To wa- oh my," Luna stopped herself.
The steps were a mixture of plaid-indigo and bright red. The rain was spreading out the colors, making them run down the courtyard staircase as it came down in torrents. In front of the doors was Discord, beaten to a pulp and bleeding from his nose and mouth. The ends of his limbs, tail and horn were burnt black, as if he'd been in a fire. His mouth hung open, blood leaking out.
Nightshade trotted up to him and knelt by his side. He put his ear closer to him. "He's still alive."
"Get him to the medical wing! Now!" Celestia ordered.
Nightshade teleported along with Discord. In a flash, they were both gone.
"Sister," Celestia turned to Luna, "stay with Discord, protect the castle. I'll clear the skies before anypony else is hurt."
"It wasn't the clouds that did this," Luna said, Her eyes were focused on the place where Discord had been.
Celestia followed her sister's eyes to the spot. An etching of some sort was carved into the marble, thin black letters that looked as though they'd been blasted into the stone. Covered in rain and blood were the words:
THIS GARDEN GNOME GOT LOST - KEEP HIM IN YOUR OWN YARD OR NEXT TIME HE MIGHT GET BROKEN - LOVE, LC P.S DONT TOUCH MY STUFF
(Another familiar sight. Even the guards by the doors are the same as last time.)
"Hey, if this is the Crystal Empire, why are the guards regular royal guards?" Dan asked.
"The court system is overseen by the princesses themselves," Sombra explained. "Ultimately, a case in any courtroom, no matter how big or small, can gain the attention of Equestrian royalty and if a decision cannot be made by a judge, it will eventually reach Canterlot."
"Wow… that's actually not a bad idea," Dan said, sounding genuinely impressed. "I was gonna guess that the animation budget is so low we just rehashed the same shots from Turnabout Storm."
"Well, we did," Phoenix said. "But we also came up with a reasonable explanation for them to be similar. That makes sense, doesn't it?" Dan didn't say anything at first, forcing Phoenix to turn to him.
Dan glared back. "No. No it doesn't. I mean… seriously, just when I start to get respect for this story, it flies away…" he fluttered his hands for emphasis. "And now I'm stuck here again, dealing with everyone else's nonsense."
"Would it make you feel better if they served a purpose?" Phoenix asked.
Dan tapped his chin. "Actually, yes. But not if they're just going to stand there all day until we get close and then they yell-"
"HALT!"
"Why? Why does that happen EVERY FREAKING TIME?!!" Dan stamped the ground.
"Only authorized members of the High Equestrian Judicial Department may enter beyond this point!"
"Wait a minute!" Dan held up his hands. He reached into his pocket and retrieved a wallet-sized emblem. "I'm a royal guard captain! I have permission to be here!"
"Ah," the first royal guard said. "Yes, Captain Dan of the Sparkle Guard. I'm Lance Corporal Lance Corporal and this is Private First Class Public Second Grade. I'm afraid I can't allow you beyond this point, sir, even if you are a superior officer."
"Gnnrrrrr," Dan growled. "When is MY authority going to get me anything?"
"Probably the last chapter of the last episode," Spike said.
"Or when it's really convenient and you've exhausted all other options," Sombra added.
"Figures," Dan grumbled.
"It's all right, guys," Phoenix said, pulling something out of his pocket. "I've got it covered." He held a small badge of his own up to the guards. "We're the defense team and I'm Sombra's attorney. I'm authorized to practice law in Equestria."
The two guards examined the heart-shaped badge. Dan, Spike, Firedancer and Sombra examined the badge as well from Phoenix's sides.
"I think… that… is the most effeminate-looking badge I've ever seen," Sombra commented. "May I have one?"
"You get that out of the gum ball machine or the two-bit store, Nicky?" Dan asked, eyebrows raised.
"I think it's actually gotten sillier since we saw it the last time," Spike added.
Firedancer's eyes went wide. "Holy crap! You're a lawyer?!! That's awesome!"
"Ha!" Dan laughed, patting Firedancer on the back. "I'm a captain and he's obvious. We need to do this more often."
Phoenix, mortified, continued to hold his Equestrian attorney's badge aloft for the guards. (You guys want to say anything more? I think some of my dignity's still intact.) "I'm Phoenix Wright and I am the defense attorney in the current trial. May we… please enter the courtroom?"
"I see…" Lance Corporal LC scratched his chin. "Yes, such a badge is proof that you are recognized as a defense attorney in the region of Equestria, who's jurisdiction does legally extend to the Crystal Empire. And it's also proof that you are quite a brave and secure individual for being able to wear that thing in public."
Spike and the others snickered behind him. Dan just nodded in agreement.
"You may all enter!" the guards announced. They opened the doors to the courtroom and Phoenix lead the group inside.
"Excuse me captain, before you enter," Lance stopped Dan, "here's something that might be of some help to you."
Dan received a paperback booklet from the corporal.
"Lance Corporal."
Sorry; from the LANCE corporal. He looked it over. "How to Royally Guard: Crystal Empire edition?" Dan read the title aloud.
"If they make one of those for attorneys, let me know," Phoenix said, reading over his shoulder.
"The Empire's got a different set of rules than the one's we're used to down south," Lance explained. "I know you're Princess Twilight's private guard but you might find the information useful. Best of luck in the trial, sir."
"Ah, thanks," Dan said, pocketing the booklet. He entered the courtroom, the others at his side.
The distinctive sound of gavel striking oak quieted the jury. "Court is now in session! Let the trial of the Crystal Empire Vs. Sombra commence."
"The defense is ready, your honor," Phoenix said, his familiar place on the defendant's side of the courtroom.
Writhe N. Payne, the mustard-yellow stallion attorney leaned over the prosecution's desk at the other side of the courtroom, directly facing Wright with the witness stand directly in between them. "The prosecution is-"
"Mr. Wright!" the judge exclaimed.
"U-uh, y-yes?" Phoenix said, a knot immediately forming in his throat at the mentioning of his name by the judge.
"What a surprise to see you here again!"
"Um, do you mean the courtroom? Or Equestria? Because… this place looks pretty much identical to the courtroom we were in last time," Phoenix said, looking around. Everything, even the seal of justice that represented equality and harmony, the icon of Celestia and Luna was present behind and above the judge's bench.
"Well, Equestria, of course!" the Judge replied in a cheery fashion. "I don't suppose it's any surprise to see either of us in another courtroom but it's most certainly a coincidence to find us in the same alternate dimension again!"
"How do you figure that?" Dan asked. "Weren't you both summoned here before when there was another trial? Clearly, the ponies brought you here again to solve this trial. They probably think you two are the least likely to cause trouble or wreck the place."
(Or we're the only ones that will do this for free.) "Probably but why did you think it was a coincidence, your honor?"
"Because there are so many different universes!" the Judge exclaimed. "According to multiverse theory, there's an infinite number of universes for the infinite number of possibilities that occur at every fraction of time! And yet we keep winding up in this one! It's quite a remarkable set of odds! You'd think we'd wind up in another universe with robots or aliens or an English fellow that solves mysteries by completing puzzles but it seems the forces of time and space keep bringing us together here! Astonishing!"
"Yeah… I guess it is when you think of it like that," Phoenix said.
Dan raised his hand.
"This isn't a classroom, Dan; you don't have to do that."
The human waved his hand anyway.
"Yes, errr…"
"It's Dan, CAPTAIN Dan, hi. Yeah, uh, the ponies were the ones that summoned you guys here so, it's not really a coincidence. They brought you here for a reason instead of you just dropping out of a plane into another dimension," Dan said.
"Ah," the Judge said. "I suppose that's true."
"OBJECTION!" Payne shouted.
The courtroom became stunned. Phoenix, Dan, the Judge, they were all shocked by the sudden outburst. Payne waited for them to recover before speaking.
"Um… yes, Mr. Payne?" the Judge asked.
"Mm-hmm," the pony said, adjusting his glasses. "Well, I couldn't hope but overhear the conversation, being as I'm right here in the middle of the courtroom. With the jury and everypony else. While the trial is supposed to be proceeding."
"Ah… right, we seemed to have gotten sidetracked. I apologize," the judge said.
"Oh, it's no problem. That's not what my objection was about," Payne said, smirking.
"Oh," the Judge's eyes went wide. "Well, what is your objection, Mr. Payne?"
"Well, I was just going to say that it's a bit presumptuous to assume what anypony summoned you here for…" Payne said, tipping his shades at both of them. "…when you don't even know if a pony summoned you in the first place!"
Phoenix and the Judge were both taken back by the statement.
"Why, he's right!" the Judge said.
"No, he i-" Dan pointed at Phoenix, then stopped himself. "Oh, crap. Now you've got ME doing those jokes!"
Phoenix shrugged. "It's easier than you think to get in them."
"I'm not doing any jokes with your name just because you're Phoenix WRIGHT," Dan said.
"He's Phoenix Wright?!!" Firedancer asked.
"Order! Order!" Judge banged the gavel. "Mr. Payne, it seems like you know something of this summoning business. If you know why Mr. Wright and myself are here, please inform the courtroom!"
"Oh, I don't know why either of you happen to be here," Payne said, adjusting his glasses again. "I just happen to know for a fact that neither of you know why yet… you seem to be assuming you were summoned here for a reason. Even Mr. Dan. Quite curious. It seems human arrogance would lead any ape to automatically assume that wherever they happen to be, they're there for a larger purpose."
"And why are you here, school bus?" Dan asked Payne. "They forgot what real prosecutors looked like after a thousand years and hired you by mistake or are you here because hair gel is expensive when your shyster mane looks like garbage?"
Payne chuckled. "I'm here, Mr. Dan because Vice Grip plans on wiping humanity off the face of the Earth but apparently, Mr. Wright and his honorable baldness are going to be left behind," he took off his glasses, revealing a pair of black eyes with red irises. "So, before Vice destroys all the humans on Earth, I'm going to put the only humans on Equestria behind bars. Back in cages… where you monkeys belong."
"Heh," Firedancer chuckled. "I saw that one coming."
Phoenix, Dan, Spike and Sombra turned to him.
"You saw that one coming?" Dan asked. "You already knew he had those creepy eyes and was in on the plan to wipe out humanity?"
"Well, I knew about the humanity part," FD said. "I mean, I'm against it now that I've met you guys but I knew prosecutor Payne was hired by Vice Grip. He handles all the legal stuff with FIST and was helping Vice pass new laws in the Crystal Empire. Err, Steel Empire."
"Ah, so taking him out will take out FIST's legal side?" Dan surmised, grinning.
"It'll definitely make it harder for them to interpret and write laws," Phoenix said.
Dan rubbed his chin. "And didn't he like just admit to attempted genocide in a courtroom? During the proceedings of another trial?"
"I believe he most certainly did," Sombra said. "At least for Vice Grip, if not himself."
"HEY SCHOOL BUS! You hear that?" Dan shouted across the courtroom at Payne. "We got you on the record with your holocaust scheme! Who just got turned about now?!"
But Payne only smirked in response. He returned his shades to their position on his brow, smugly looking down as if considering new information. "Oh? And what if my words were misinterpreted?"
Dan stared blankly back at the prosecutor. "How the hell do you misinterpret wiping out all humans? Except us because we're here?"
"Ah, that. Well, what I actually meant when I said that Vice was going to-"
"Save it," Phoenix interrupted. "Dan, he's just going to twist things around until we can't be sure what he really meant."
"He's full of shit," Dan stated. He pointed at the prosecutor "You're full of shit! Wait, what's that thing I can do? Oh yeah, I CALL BULLSHIT!"
Amazingly, Dan's valorous declaration of bullshit was just as effective at silencing the courtroom as if Phoenix Wright had raised an objection. Unfortunately, it wasn't legal.
"Um… do you mean you object?" the judge asked. "This is a proper court of law, Mr. Dan, and I will require you to follow the proper proceedings!"
"Fine. OBJECTION!" Again, the room was stunned. "Honor, that guy is full of shit!"
The judge was silent. The court, the jury, everyone who wasn't Dan took a full moment to process what he said. Finally, the judge asked, "And exactly… what do you mean by that, Mr. Dan? How is the prosecutor, um… ple-please explain what you mean by that statement."
Dan held up a folded piece of paper. "He just said his client, Vice Grip, WASN'T planning on wiping out humanity. Yet I have here evidence of that he is indeed developing weapons with the intent of attacking Earth!"
[Master Gear VG Blueprint added to the Court Record.]
The judge looked over the paper. "It's… it's a giant robot pony?" he asked.
"Yes, your honor. One of many he's planning on using to attack and wipe out humanity with, as he so eloquently put it," Phoenix said.
"It's… it's adorable!" the judge proclaimed. "Are they available for purchase?"
"JUDGE!" the defense yelled.
"Oh, right. Prosecution! This does indeed seem to be some sort of doomsday contraption. The implication here is undeniable! What do you have to say about this?"
Again, Payne just smirked. "What? Vice is going to wipe out humanity. Destroy all but about two million humans the Director has some sick obsession with leaving Earth devoid of life and civilization."
"Ah HA!" Dan shouted. "So you admit it!"
"I never tried to deny it," Payne said.
"I-" Dan stopped. Slowly, his hand and accusatory finger lowered to the defense bench. His mouth closed shut.
"You didn't give me a chance to defend myself- to twist the truth, as Phoenix Wright claimed. But I never intended to," Payne said slyly. He rose his gaze to both of them. "Every moment you waste here, Vice gets closer to finally rendering justice on your entire pathetic race. You see, it was I and the Director who judged humanity- and most were found guilty. If not for her decision, you'd all receive the same sentence but for some reason I have yet to understand, she wants to bring about two million humans called 'bronies' over here. More than likely to experiment on. So no, I never hid my intentions, Mr. Dan. I just waited for you to stumble across them."
The judge's eyes were as wide as saucers. "Does this mean he's guilty?"
"He just admitted to attempted genocide! Conspiracy to commit GENOCIDE! Collaborating with known war criminals with the intent to commit GENOCIDE!" Phoenix exclaimed. "Even I couldn't get him a not guilty verdict after that! And I wouldn't want to!" (I'm going to regret saying this if I ever have to defend someone accused of genocide.)
"Well, that does seem to clear things up! I hereby judge the uh, prosecution-"
"Guilty?" Payne asked. "Why? I'm not the one on trial."
Phoenix, Dan, the entire defense team felt their hearts collectively sink to the pits of their stomachs.
"Oh, right," the judge said. "He does have a point, Mr. Wright."
Phoenix turned to Dan. "Strangle me. Just strangle me, Dan. Do it now while they're not looking so you don't get arrested for it."
"I only strangle those that deserve it, Nicky," Dan said. "And I don't strangle friends, family or casual acquaintances who tend to give me free stuff."
"Good to know."
"Well, I believe we should begin with the proceedings of the current trial, then," the judge announced. "This trial is to determine the actions of Sombra this past week in the Crystal Empire! He is accused of attempting to destroy the Crystal Heart, a sacred magical artifact that would also endanger the Crystal Empire and all of Equestria! Not only that, he is also accused of trespassing, breaking and entering, destruction of property and resisting arrest!"
"Ha, sounds like stuff I usually get charged for," Dan remarked.
"We will now hear opening statements from the prosecution!"
Writhe N. Payne looked up. "Thank you, Baldy."
"Errm, Baldy?"
"He means you, Judge," Phoenix said.
"Oh," the judge said, surprised. "Actually, my name is-"
"Just a few nights ago, the Heartview Mall, located just under the Steel Palace itself was invaded by the former tyrant, King Sombra. Between the hours of 8:00p.m. and 9:00p.m. when the mall closes, security registered one Sombra entering the vicinity and attempting to destroy the artifact known as the Crystal Heart."
[Heartview Mall hours of operation added to the Court Record.]
Payne chuckled as he adjusted his shades again. "And because any damage to the Crystal Heart can have repercussions for all of Equestria, the prosecution demands the additional charge of attempted genocide be levied onto the defendant as well!"
The jury erupted into indignant and unintelligible murmurs. The judge banged his gavel. "Order! Mr. Payne, do you have any evidence that causing such harm to this artifact would indeed endanger all of Equestria?"
"As a matter of fact, we do, your honor," the yellow stallion held up a disc. "This security recording represents evidence of not only Sombra's attempted genocide but his PAST attempts to destroy harmony in Equestria! All for his own thirst for power!"
"I see," the judge said. "You will have to replay this recording in order to submit it as evidence."
Payne smirked. "But of course, I intend to do just that, your honor."
An eighteen-inch television set was wheeled into the courtroom on top of a shelving cart. Payne inserted the disc into the DVD player underneath it and turned the television on.
"For your consideration, the prosecution submits this video as exhibit A!"
The video began with Vice Grip standing in front of a standup mic, dancing to an upbeat and strangely familiar pop 80s song.
"We're no strangers to love…"
"Oh mai gawd."
"You know the rules~ And I do too~ Copyright violation's what I'm thinking of~ But this is a parody so please don't sue!"
"Order! Order!!" the judge banged his gavel. "Mr. Payne! What is the meaning of submitting a music video as evidence?"
The yellow pony turned off the DVD player. "Ah, I apologize, your honor." He removed the disc and turned it over, examining it. "It must've been on the other side of the disc. I'm sorry for the mix up," Payne said. He inserted the disc into the DVD player again.
The video began with Vice Grip standing in front of a standup mic, dancing to an upbeat and strangely familiar pop 80s song.
"We're no strangers to love…"
"ORDER!! ORDER!!!" the judge banged his gavel furiously. "MR. PAYNE! The prosecution is ordered to stop Rick Rolling this courtroom!"
Payne panicked. Sweat poured down his face and he frantically tried to remove the disc once again. "I… I don't understand it! This was supposed to be a security recording!"
"It's surprising what you can pick up at the mall, isn't it, prosecutor?" a voice asked from the front of the courtroom.
Dan and Phoenix turned to see Lightning Claw standing in the doorway. "Having some technical difficulties?"
"Lightning Claw?" Dan asked.
"What are you doing here?" Phoenix followed up.
Lightning turned to them as he approached the bench. "You remember when I told you to be ready for a signal?"
"Yeah."
"Well, stay ready," Lightning said.
"What's the meaning of this?" Payne asked. "You! You're Vice Grip's security officer. What are you doing here?"
"I just wanted to inform the courtroom that the security cameras weren't active during the time of Sombra's arrest," Lightning said.
Payne's face practically went white.
More murmurs erupted from the jury forcing the judge to bang his gavel to quiet them.
"Please, explain yourself Mr. Claw."
Lightning approached the judge. "Well, your honor, the security system of the Crystal Empire has been shorted out for the past week due to some sort of odd electrical interference," he cast a sly grin at Payne. "We've been unable to identify the source." A band of electricity rippled between Lightning's wings, causing Payne's jaw to drop.
"I see. Well, this would indicate that the prosecution's evidence… whatever video evidence he could provide would not be admissible as evidence if it was tied into a faulty system!" the judge said.
"Yes indeed, your honor," the indigo stallion said. "Not only that," he approached Payne in front of the t.v set. "I don't believe you were authorized to remove mall property." The music video disc levitated up from Payne's hoof and over to Lightning. "You wouldn't happen to have a receipt for this, would you?"
Payne glared at Lightning Claw. "You son of a bitch."
Lightning smiled. "Nah, I'm just an 80s fan. And you just got turned about."
Writhe N. Payne's face went flush red. "I… y-you…"
"HA! Hahahaha!" Dan took the opportunity to point and laugh at the prosecutor. "Pranked by your own client! Looks like the only evidence you provided is that Dr. No can karaoke."
"Gnrrrrr," Payne growled, "don't think you've won this, biped. I won't stop until you trespassers are behind bars!"
Phoenix rubbed his chin, then grinned. "So you're saying, you're never gonna give us up?"
The jury burst into a gale of laughter. Dan, Lightning, Sombra, Spike and Firedancer doubled over, clutching their sides. Even the judge laughed, followed by Phoenix himself. The doors to the courtroom cracked open further revealing the two royal guards standing outside laughing as they watched. The only one who didn't find it funny was Writhe N. Payne while the rest of the court writhed in laughter.
"STOP IT!" Payne stomped the floor with both hooves, though this did nothing to stop the laughter. "I still have more evidence against you!"
Phoenix smirked. "And how much of it involves Rick Astley?"
"HA!"
The court erupted into laughter again.
Payne's face turned even redder. "STOP!! I am… this is a very serious matter!"
"I agree," Wright calmly said. "Your honor, I move that the records of this trial show that both the prosecution and the defense take karaoke very seriously."
The court's laughter practically shook the room. The judge had to bang his gavel through his own chuckles and that of the jury.
"Ordermmmmff, hahaha! Erhem, ORDER!! This court will come to order!!"
"Thank you… your honor," Payne said, regaining his composure. The rest of the courtroom and the defense counsel returned to their seats, only the occasional snicker breaking the quiet clamor.
"The previous evidence provided by the prosecution will be disregarded. And who is this new official who has entered the courtroom?" the judge asked, gesturing to Lightning Claw with his gavel.
"Um, I'm ah, I'm Lightning Claw. I work for FIST as chief of security," he waved his hoof.
"I see, well, despite your assistance with the previous evidence, you don't seem to have any relevance in this trial. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave," judge said, an unfortunate tone to his voice.
"Awww," Lightning said. He approached the bench, tilting his head to one side, letting his hoof steps reverberate off the floor and looking at the judge with large eyes. "Pleeeeeeease?"
"Ohhh," the judge replied. "He's too cute. Don't you find these ponies too adorable to refuse, Mr. Wright?"
"Umm… yes?" Phoenix said, sweating. (Maybe it would be easier getting a not guilty verdict out of the judge if I was a pony.)
"You did try to kill me once," Dan harumphed, glaring at Lightning. "I ain't forgetting that."
"Awww, but that was a long time ago!" Lightning said, flying up to Dan at the defense bench.
"Three months," Dan replied. He held up his cane which had been strapped to his back for the trip. "And I still have this in case there are any more… electrical problems. I wonder if your medical insurance will cover you if you try to use the faulty wiring excuse."
"Does the defense have a problem with this new appointee?" the judge asked, now back to his traditional sternness.
"I hate you so much," Dan said, hugging back with his confined fingers.
"I love you too, Dan," Lightning nuzzled him a little.
"Yes, you're all cute, we're all friends, I'm going to strangle you with your own spinal columns." Dan pried Lightning Claw off of him, making a loud velcro noise as the static cling in Lightning's coat clung to Dan's shirt.
"Do you think Vice Grip is cute?" Lightning asked.
Dan shook. "Cute as a button. A launch button."
"That doesn't sound very cute," Lightning said.
"Depends on what you're launching."
"Mr. Wright!" the judge bellowed, deciding to join in on the conversation. "Do you think these ponies are cute?"
"Yes," Phoenix said quickly. "And uh, you know, they trust me with all of their important trials."
"How delightful!" the judge said cheerfully. "That's quite a responsibility!"
The prosecution didn't object but he did raise his hoof. "I, uh, I don't have an objection but uh…" He rested his head on the desk, nervous.
"Ah, Mr. Payne. What does the prosecution have to say about Mr., uh…"
"Lightning Claw."
"Lightning Claw's addition to the proceedings. Surely his expertise and adorableness will help the trial, don't you agree?"
Payne was sweating as profusely as Phoenix Wright was moments ago. "Um, sure but… I was wondering…" He stood up, adjusted his shades and brushed back his mane again.
"Yes, Mr. Payne?"
"Do… do you guys… think I'm… cute?"
The courtroom burst into laughter again. Dan, Lightning Claw and Firedancer had tears in their eyes as they couldn't contain themselves, even Phoenix clutched the desk to remain standing. The judge chuckled himself before banging his gavel.
"ORDER! ORDER! Mr. Payne, you have already been instructed not to make outbursts in this court! We will not tolerate any more of your disruptive jokes!"
Payne trembled. "B-but I wasn't joking…"
"We know!" Firedancer exclaimed, holding his stomach. "That's why it's so funny!"
"Order!" the judge banged his gavel again. "Mr. Payne, the prosecution will now proceed but you will take this trial seriously!"
Payne lifted his head up from the desk. "Yes, your honor…" He cleared his throat. "The prosecution calls to the stand its first witness, Officer Firedancer!"
"It's going to be okay, Firedancer," Nick said to him. "Just be honest and you'll be fine."
"And be detailed," Dan added. "Like, overly, extraneously detailed."
Firedancer swallowed. "I'll d-do my best." He hopped down from the defense bench nervously. His hoof steps echoed off the tile floor, each step breaking the silence as he approached the witness's stand. He swallowed again and stood on his hind legs as he took the podium.
"Mr. Firedancer," Payne began, "for the courtroom, please explain your current occupation."
"Uh…" the witness stallion rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm a security guard. I think. But it's, like, secret or something. So…" he struggled to think. Vice Grip had never really told him what his job was. He told him to do things a lot and gave him some kind of medication to take but… he didn't really have a position. Or did he? But he knew somepony he could ask. "Hey, Lightning?"
"Yeah?"
The judge banged his gavel once before Firedancer could ask his question. "Excuse me! You are testifying in open court, Mr. Firedancer! You cannot address members of the defense or the jury during your testimonial or you threaten to damage your credibility in this case!"
Firedancer raised his hoof. "So, we're not allowed to talk to anypony else?"
"No, you're not!" the judge exclaimed.
Firedancer pointed to the defense. "But Dan's ordering a pizza."
"Yes, that's two large Beet Lover's with onions, mushrooms and hay bacon-"
"Can I get mine with extra crystal?" Spike asked.
"And pineapple if possible," Sombra added.
"Can we get crystal on half?" Dan asked into his cell phone.
"And pineapple."
"And pineapple?"
Phoenix slowly turned around. "You're doing this now? NOW?" he asked through gritted teeth.
Dan cupped the phone's receiver. "Did you want us to order you something?"
The lawyer's eyes almost bulged. "The judge is about to order us out of the courtroom! Do you knuckleheads seriously not-"
The judge's gavel banged three times. "Mr. Wright!!"
Nick spun on his heels, heart in his throat. "Y-yes your honor?"
"Would you like to split a large Beet Lover's pizza with me?"
"I…" Nick felt his heart skip a beat. "I… s-sure. But I, uh, I actually don't care much for beets on pizza."
"Ah," the judge said, nodding the way he does in the game. "Mr. Dan!!" he then bellowed.
"Yes?"
"Order Mr. Wright's half without beets!"
Dan made the OK gesture with his free hand. "We got it."
Writhe N. Payne raised his hoof. "The prosecution would like-"
"The prosecution is ordered to proceed with the testimony if its witness!" the judge said loudly.
Payne swallowed hard. "I-I think I just lost my appetite anyway… um… Firedancer?"
"Yes? OH YEAH!" Firedancer realized he was supposed to be giving his testimonial. "Hey Lightning, what do we do again?"
"Well, we wait thirty minutes and if the guy shows up late then-"
Firedancer scratched his head. "I thought we were more than that…" His neck started to feel warm, almost burning. "Is it starting to feel warm here to anypony else?"
"Sure is," Writhe N. Payne said. The prosecutor was sweating, though it wasn't related to anything with Firedancer. "Per-perhaps we should just indicate to the court you are a security guard f-for Future Integrations Stable-Tec."
"All right," Firedancer said. "Why couldn't you have told them that?" There was an odd sharpness in his voice.
Payne wiped his face, ignoring the question. "Please, for the courtroom, explain the events you witnessed between seven o'clock and the time the mall closed of the night in question."
Firedancer rolled his eyes. "Fine."
Witness Testimony
"It was a bit after seven, actually. I was on my way to get some dinner in the food court after finishing up my patrol. I took the elevator down to the first floor again and when the doors opened, I saw all these bits of crystal on the ground. I looked up and saw King Sombra right in front of the entrance to the mall and the Crystal Heart was broken right in front of him."
Payne grinned. "The culprit, so overcome with guilt, couldn't bare to move from the seen of the crime. Not only that, your honor," he approached the bench, "it just so happens that the elevator Firedancer used also had its own security camera! As the doors opened, it took this picture!"
[Security Photo added to the Court Record.]
The judge's eyes went wide. "This… uh…"
Even Phoenix rose an eyebrow at the evidence. (The whole things in a silhouette. There's no way to make out what any thing is in the frame.)
"Erhem," Payne cleared his throat, "while there was a bit of glare on the lens when the photo was taken, you can clearly see the perpetrator, the defendant Sombra, by the shape of his shadow in the picture!"
The judge looked at the photo carefully. "I… guess it does resemble the defendant." The picture clearly wasn't of the best quality but it did show pony like figure standing in front of the pedestal where the Crystal Heart had been held. Two columns, equally silhouetted, were at the edges of the shot. It was hard to tell if they were the edges of the elevator doors or possibly the other of the six elevator shafts that ran up to the ceiling.
"With this picture and the witness' testimony, we can clearly identify that Sombra was indeed the pony that destroyed the Crystal Heart!" Payne announced.
A clamorous outcry rang through the jury. They murmured amongst themselves, processing the evidence like a mainframe of justice. The judge banged his gavel, silencing them.
"Err, based on the time this picture was taken, it does seem to indicate that Sombra is guilty of shattering the ponies' artifact," the judge said.
"It does indeed, your honor," Payne said, grinning wider. "The prosecution asserts that the defendant in question is guilty of property destruction, unlawful trespassing, breaking and entering, and attempted genocide of the Crystal Empire itself! His presence alone proves that he's guilty! His motive was revenge and he stormed into the Heartview Mall while it was closed, thinking it was his perfect opportunity to do so and take revenge for being overthrown two years ago!"
"Mr. Payne," the judge said sternly.
"Yes, Santa?" Payne asked, practically foaming at the mouth.
"Dear heavens, you're a creepy bloke."
"Wut."
The judge cleared his throat. "At any rate, do try to contain yourself during these proceedings."
"I… apologize, your honor," Payne said, returning to his desk. "The prosecution rests."
"Very well," the judge said. "As the defense has already plead guilty during the hearing, I'm afraid I'm ready to make my judgment unless the defense is able to uncover anything."
(This is it. Our only shot at this.) "The defense intends to do just that, your honor."
"I have no doubt, Mr. Wright. You may begin with your cross examination."
"HOLD IT!" Dan shouted, almost like Phoenix himself.
The court was stunned for a moment as eyes turned to the defense's aide. "Yes, Mr. Dan?" the judge asked. "What is it?"
"Um… can I finish my cross examination first?" Phoenix asked awkwardly.
The sound of the courtroom doors creaking drew his attention. He turned around quickly to see the witness stand was empty. Firedancer was gone without a trace. The courtroom doors slammed shut.
He turned back around, about to address the judge, suggest taking a break for lunch when he noticed the judge's chair was empty. The jury's rows were vacant and Dan, Sombra, Lightning Claw and Spike were gone as well. The room was empty save for Phoenix Wright.
"I guess that's recess." Phoenix closed his court record briefcase and left to join the others. Before leaving, he approached the bench and took the judge's gavel. "Court will adjourn for thirty minutes for lunch!" he announced. He banged the gavel, surprisingly heavier than it looked, and it reverberated through the desk and resounded through the courtroom. Phoenix smiled. (Always wanted to do that.)
Dan was already at the court entrance by the time everyone else had filed out. Having paid over his phone(using Phoenix's BitBud account), Dan opened one of the double doors, checking his phone as he did so.
"Ten minutes, not bad. You guys must be close by."
"Very close," the delivery stallion smiled.
From through the doorway, Nick, Sombra and the others could see outside. While it would've been obvious who it was by the way he held the pizza boxes in one of his metallic hands, it was even more obvious when Dan took the boxes himself revealing a familiar face.
"Uh, D-Dan, that's-"
"A lot to carry, I know but I got it," Dan replied. He sat three of the boxes down on a table beside the door, holding the other in his left hand. He turned back to the delivery guy. "That everything?"
"Everything except your receipt, sir," the tall, brown stallion said, handing him a slip of paper grasped by steel fingers. Dan received the receipt, entirely oblivious to who had just handed it to him.
"Dan, don't you know who that is?!" Phoenix yelled.
Dan looked up from the receipt. The delivery stallion was as tall as Phoenix was and wore a white lab coat. Unlike most ponies, he stood upright on two steel boots that his hind legs were slotted into and wore a pair of metal gauntlets attached to his forelegs, giving him a very anthropomorphic appearance. Dan would've sworn he'd seen the stallion before, even would've said he looked like somepony he knew if he didn't have a black, curled mustache on his face. It was a bit odd that it didn't match his sandy-tan colored mane but Dan didn't think that much of it. He did, however, notice his name tag.
"You're uh…" Dan squinted to read the tag.
"My name'a Vince'a Grippe," the delivery pony said in possibly the worst racist stereotypical-Italian accent ever. "I thank-a you so much for-a choosing'a Sbarro's."
Phoenix facepalmed.
"Is he this dense all the time?" Sambra asked.
Nick: "Well…"
Spike: "Yep."
Lightning Claw: "Uh huh."
Firedancer: "Probably."
The Judge: "Indubitably."
M. Bison: "Yes! YES!!"
"Thought so," Sambra said.
"Well, thank you Vinny, for your speedy and efficient service," Dan said with a courteous slight bow.
"Oh, it's-a no problemo," 'Vinny' replied, returning the bow.
Dan smiled. "I will be sure to write a favorable review on your website. Thanks again!"
"Of-a course-a! Asta-la… whatever." The odd stallion turned around to depart.
"You too!" Dan turned around to pick up the rest of the pizzas. "Hey… wait just a minute!" he said, his voice suddenly full of his traditional, hostile anger.
The pizza guy stopped feet away from the door. "Isa… isa there a problem? Uh?"
Dan glared back at him. "Oh, you bet there's a problem," he sat the pizza boxes down on the table and stomped over to him.
"I, uh… I-I-I-I-" he stammered, hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. "I assure you," he waved defensively, "I-a don't knowa what-a you're talking about."
"Don't give me that," Dan said. "You know EXACTLY what's wrong, here. You thought after all this time, I'd forget."
"I… I do?" 'Vince' asked nervously.
"Yeah, you do," Dan said, eyes narrow, face an inch from his muzzle. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ten-bit note. "You thought I forgot your tip!"
'Vince' exhaled so hard his mustache was blown sideways. "Ah… but of-a course." He accepted the bill from Dan and stuffed it into his coat pocket.
"Thanks again!" Dan said, picking up the pizzas and turning back to the gang.
"Don't-a mention it!" the stallion waved, departing again.
Stunned, the group watched as their de facto leader walked over with four ticking 'pizzas' in his hands. Phoenix swallowed hard.
"Lightning?"
"Y-yes, Phoenix?"
"Can you make a shield spell? Around us? Right now? Please?"
"Um…" Lightning clicked his hooves together shyly. "I'm not really that good with shield spells."
Phoenix turned to him slowly. "How 'not good' exactly?"
"Well," Lightning blushed, "the shields I make don't really block anything. They just kind of attract these floating gold rings for some reason."
Firedancer raised his hoof. "But in the game they block stuff. Once."
Lightning nodded. "I know."
Dan walked over to the group with the boxes. "Somepony or somebody get some plates! It's lunch, guys!" Delighted and completely oblivious to the ticking still coming from the boxes, Dan opened the top one he was carrying up with his free hand. He smiled as the fragrant aroma of cheese, tomato sauce and crisp dough wafted from within. He checked each of the toppings to see that they were all there: beets, onions, hay bacon and hay sausage. All were there in perfectly-fresh dispersion across melted mozzarella cheese, a work of culinary art. It looked, smelled, even the heat from the box felt absolutely delicious.
Then, something caught Dan's eye. Oddly enough, a digital clock display had been placed on top of the pizza. Wires were protruding from it running into the crust and the cheese surrounding it. The clock seemed to be counting down from ten. As he watched in bewilderment, it ticked closer to zero.
"Hey… wait a minute!" Dan shouted. He closed the box and looked up at the group. "We didn't order time bomb on this! Did we?"
The group's eyes went wide. They collectively yelled a unanimous "NO!!!"
"I didn't think so!" Dan opened the courtroom doors again. "HEY VINNY!!"
Vice Grip turned around quickly. "Ye-yes?"
"WE'RE SENDING THIS BACK!!" Dan chucked the pizza boxes right at Vice Grip. The boxes tumbled through the air together.
Vice had time to utter a pathetic "Mama mia…" before the boxes collided with him and exploded.
KRABOOOOOOWWWWWMMM
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
Vice Grip was sent flying by the explosion. A smoke trail followed him as he soared into the distance and out of sight, finally become a twinkle that audibly "dinged" out of existence for no other reason than to reference Pokemon. Which we've done before but hey, it's Vice Grip now.
"And you forgot your mustache!" Dan hurled the fake mustache in the direction Vice had flown. He turned back around and closed the lobby doors.
"Dan…" Phoenix asked, dumbfounded, "did you know that entire time?"
"Of course I did!" Dan proclaimed. "I was the one who ordered it, remember?"
"That's… not what I meant…"
But Dan just grinned confidently at him. "Always check your food while the delivery guy is present, Nicky."
Phoenix shook his head. "I don't think we'll be ordering out again for a while."
"Probably not," Dan patted the attorney on the shoulder. "Let's grab something from the vending machines and get back to your cross examination."
(Great idea. So long as the vending machines aren't ticking.)
After a quick lunch involving whatever they could buy from the vending machines and several trips to the water fountain, the group filed back into the courtroom for round two.
The judge returned to the bench just as the rest of the jury reached their seats. "Er-hem, court is now back in session! *gavel bang* Is the defense ready to proceed?"
(I wonder if I'll be able to suggest a recess that actually gets approved next time.) "Yes, your-" Phoenix stopped. The sight of the judge usually intimidated him but there was something else about the bearded bald man's appearance that struck him this time. "Um… your honor?"
"Yes, Mr. Wright?"
He pointed to his chin. "There seems to be, uh…"
"Oh!" The judge understood. "Is there something caught in my beard?"
Phoenix nodded. "Yes, uh, your honor."
"Looks like half a buffet," the prosecutor said with a chuckle.
"Oh, uh, thank you, Mr. Wright," the judge said, taking a moment to wipe his beard with a cloth. "Seems I got a little too attached to the tomato sauce from that beet lover's pizza! The whiskers seem to love it almost as much as I do!"
Phoenix's jaw dropped in confusion. "But… the pizzas were sabotaged!"
"Yeah…" Dan said, also perplexed. "I threw 'em back at the delivery guy, Vinny. And then they exploded or something. Brings a whole new meaning to the term "hand-tossed delivery."
The defense attorney face palmed hard. "But the pizzas blew up!"
"That they did!" the judge exclaimed. "And the flavor was quite explosive as well!"
Phoenix shook his head. "But if the pizzas exploded, how did you…?"
"Hmm? What is your question, Mr. Wright?"
He held his head for a frustrated moment. "Never mind… just, never mind. Can I do my cross examination now?"
"Mm-mm," the judge said, chewing, "by all means, proceed."
Phoenix decided to ignore the fact the judge was eating leftover food plucked from his own beard. "All right… Mr. Firedancer, can we go over your testimonial again?"
"Um…" Firedancer paused. "Does that mean I have to repeat everything again?"
Phoenix face palmed again. "Yes, yes it does."
"Oh…" Firedancer said. He took a deep breath. "Okay, then:
It was a bit after seven, actually. I was-"
"HOLD IT!" Phoenix shouted. "How did you know it was after seven?"
Firedancer waved up a hoof. "I haz a watch!"
"I… see," Phoenix said. "So, you checked the time, first?"
"Yus," Firedancer replied. "But not on my watch."
"How did you check the time, then?"
Firedancer held up his cell phone. "On my phone!"
"Wait a minute," Dan said, "Why would you check the time on your phone when you're wearing a watch?"
Firedancer shrugged. "I dunno."
"It defeats the whole purpose of wearing a watch!"
The fire pony looked at his wrist. "But I like this watch."
"Is it a James Bond watch?"
"Who's James Bond?"
Dan face desked. "I hate… all of you… so much…"
Phoenix bit his lip. (I guess Dan's a bit shaken, if not stirred.)
"So, you left for the food court after seven," the judge's voice prompted the witness to continue.
"I was on my way to get some dinner in the food court after having finished up my patro-"
"HOLD IT!" Phoenix stopped him again.
"Does he have to yell like that every time?" Sambra asked.
"Yes. Yes, he does," Dan answered.
"You said you were on your way to get dinner," Phoenix said. "At the food court, yes?"
"Uh huh," Firedancer nodded. "On the first floor. I was gonna get some pizza from Sbarro's."
"Mmm. Pizza," the judge remarked, mouth watering.
"That's… not really important," Phoenix said.
Payne smirked. "And his exact meal schedule is?"
Phoenix gritted his teeth but didn't respond. (I'm about to wipe that smug look off your face, ear wax.) "So, the food court was still open, then?"
"Umm…" Firedancer thought for a moment. "Yeah, definitely. I mean, the restaurants don't all close at the same time but the ones closer to the entrance were open."
"Your honor, I'd like this to be amended to the testimony," Phoenix said.
"Very well. This fact is to be amended to the witness's testimony," the judge declared.
It was a bit after seven, actually. I was on my way to get some dinner in the food court after finishing up my patrol. The food court was still open so I took the elevator down to-."
(There it is.) "OBJECTION!" Phoenix shouted. "You just testified that the food court was open."
"Um, yes?" Firedancer said.
"And you saw Sombra at the entrance while the food court was still open, yes?"
"Uh, yeah?"
"Mrm-hrmm," Payne cleared his throat. "I'm not sure where the defense thinks he's going with this… unless he's attempting to claim King Sombra was there to dine and mistook the Crystal Heart for ripe fruit."
"Not hardly," Phoenix said.
"King Sombra admitted he was there to break the Crystal Heart," the prosecutor said. "He wasn't there to eat."
"That's true," Phoenix admitted. "But the witness's testimony also proves he wasn't there trespassing!"
"What?!"
"Firedancer just testified that the food court was still open when he saw King Sombra!" Phoenix declared. "Which means that the whole mall was still open or at least the first floor entrance!"
Payne recoiled in shock. "Freaking oversights…" he muttered, teeth gritted.
"Hmm," the judge murmured. "This does seem to bring that charge into question. But then, why did the prosecution assume the defendant was trespassing at the time?"
"Ob-Objection!" Payne raised a trembling hoof. "C-clearly my witness forgot that the mall was closed. Being a security guard, he was still allowed to be inside but was unaware that the mall was no longer open and that any unauthorized ponies would be considered trespassers."
"OBJECTION!" Phoenix countered. He looked right at Payne and smiled. "You would make that claim, wouldn't you?"
Payne adjusted his hair, attempting to regain his composure. "Seeing as ho-how I did, I would say that's quite clear. Should we call you Mr. Obvious now, Mr. Wright?"
Phoenix chuckled. "Which would make you Mr. Oblivious, wouldn't it?"
"Geh!"
Wright put his hands on his hips, his traditional pose of sheer confidence. "Because you were certainly oblivious to the fact you submitted evidence that contradicted your own opening statement!"
"Gah!"
"TAKE THAT!"
The judge looked puzzled for a moment. "This… is the hours of operation?"
"Submitted by the prosecution at the start of the trial, your honor," Phoenix said. "You'll notice that it indicates the mall closes at seven o'clock-"
"Exactly, so it doesn't contradict a thing I or the witness said!" Payne said, slicking his sweaty partial-mane back.
"You didn't let me finish," Phoenix grinned. "At seven o'clock… on weekdays."
"WEEKDAYS?!!" Payne frantically looked over the hours of operation directory. "But Sombra was arrested-"
"On a Saturday," Phoenix confidently stated. "While the mall was open for extended weekend hours. It didn't close until ten."
Dan grinned and leaned over to the audience. "Because the story's only really updated on Saturdays, right folks?"
"But… that's not right!" Payne said. He grabbed his head with his hooves and frustratedly pounded on his desk. "How can something that convenient possibly be evidence?!"
"The prosecutor didn't realize the mall had extended hours on the weekends," Phoenix continued. "Therefore, he made the additional charge of trespassing based on a false assumption."
"I see," the judge said. "Based on this new evidence, I believe that charge can be dropped, even if Mr. Sambra admitted to it."
"Yes!" Phoenix allowed himself a victorious fist pump. (That's one charge dropped. Only a few more to go.)
"Haha!" Dan jumped out of his seat. "Overlooked that little detail, didn't you? Just like anypony who works with Vice Grip, all you're doing is talking out of the wrong side of your plot!"
Lightning gave Dan a stiff-lipped glare.
"Hey, you're not working for Grippy any more so that wasn't directed towards you," Dan clarified.
Lightning responded by licking Dan's face.
"GAAAHH! I just washed my face after the pizza!!"
Payne glared at the entire defense team. "Why are you all celebrating? You've yet to prove he didn't break the Crystal Heart!"
"But we will," Phoenix said confidently.
"Grrr… all right, then," Payne said. "To testify to the composition of the Crystal Heart's debris, the prosecution calls to the stand two explosive experts who examined the scene of the crime- Blast Fuse and Blast Powder!"
"Umm," Phoenix raised his hand. "I'm still cross examining your first witness. Or did you want me to cross examine all three of them at the same time?"
Dan laughed. "We could save you some time and have the judge just declare Sammy innocent right here and now. But then, we wouldn't know who really broke the Crystal Heart, would we?"
Payne growled again. "The one who broke the Crystal Heart is right here! He already admitted to it!"
"You did or were you referring to Sambra?" Phoenix asked.
The question left Payne steamingly frustrated again.
"Erhem," the judge cleared his throat, "I believe Mr. Wright is correct. It's up to the defense when to stop examining the witness."
"Thank you, your honor," Phoenix said. He shot a cocky glance over at Payne, who quietly growled and glared in return.
"All right then, Firedancer?"
"Yeah?"
"Please, continue."
Firedancer took a deep breath. "Okay. Well…"
"I took the elevator down to the first floor again and when the doors opened, I saw all these bits of crystal on the ground."
"HOLD IT!" Phoenix shouted, "How did you know it was the Crystal Heart?"
Firedancer scratched his neck, thinking back. "Uh… it's kinda hard to miss."
"Hmph," Dan grumbled. "Freaking metropolis made out of diamonds and naturally every pony's able to immediately identify each and every one of them."
"The Crystal Heart is no mere stone," Sambra said, as if a more obvious statement could not have been made. "It's a conduit for the natural magic of all Equestria, the magic of the environment itself. It's older than the Empire itself, unfathomably powerful. No simple gem could take its place, nor could it be mistaken for any different jewel."
"Yeah," Spike added. "Twilight actually tried to make a replica of the Crystal Heart the last time we were here. It, uh, it didn't work out well."
"Yessssss," Sambra said. "So you see, the Crystal Heart is too powerful, too important and unique to be imitated or mistaken for-"
"We get it," Dan stopped him. "Your pet rock is special; there are many like it but this one is yours. Seriously, saying "the Crystal Heart is special" is the same thing as saying "the special heart is crystal." If it's that important, why hasn't anypony tried to figure out how it works?"
"Hmm," Lightning Claw thought aloud. "You know, he actually has a point."
"Do you mock the Crystal Heart?" Sambra glared.
"Well, at least we didn't break it!"
"Guys," Phoenix pinched his brow, "examination? Still going on?"
"Sorry Nicky," Dan said.
"So, you're pretty sure it was the Crystal Heart that was shattered on the floor?"
"Yeah," Firedancer said. "It was there when I started my patrol and by the time I was heading for dinner, blam. Bits and pieces."
"I see," Phoenix said. "Continue."
"I looked up and saw King Sombra right in front of the entrance to the mall and the Crystal Heart was broken right in front of him."
"HOLD IT!" Phoenix shouted again. (This is the last part of this testimony so I should probably try to get all I can out of it.) "How far away was Sambra from you?"
"Umm…" Firedancer thought for a minute. "Pretty far. But I could still tell it was him. And the Crystal Heart was broken all over the place, right in front of us. There was nopony else around so I guessed he used some kind of powerful telekinetic spell."
"Wait," Phoenix held up a hand. "Why did it have to be a powerful telekinetic spell?"
Firedancer gestured with his hoof to the ground. "Vice Grip installed a lot of new stuff when he built the mall. He hooked up the Crystal Heart's pedestal to all sorts of cables so that it powered the mall, too. It can't be detached easily and only from the base so that the mall doesn't lose power. To break it down, you'd have to be really strong so I just figured…"
"So," Phoenix continued, "If the defendant broke the Crystal Heart, he could only do so if he had used a powerful magic spell of some kind? Would that be accurate?"
Firedancer shrugged. "Unless he has an invisible anvil or a cannon or something."
"The presence of such devices can be ruled out by this courtroom as such items would have undoubtedly trigged the mall's metal detectors if used," the judge declared. "At any rate, you can continue."
"Yes, your honor." (Helpful as always, judge.)
Firedancer concluded his testimony. Phoenix noticed Payne was almost at the edge of his seat, either eager to call his next witnesses or make another witty remark.
"The defense has no further questions, your honor," Phoenix said.
"Does this mean I can sit down now?" Firedancer asked.
"Yes, you can take your seat…" Phoenix said, always grateful for the support and professionalism from others during the proceedings.
"Hmm hmm," Payne chuckled and stood up. "As you can see, your honor, despite a couple minor details, the evidence still indicates that King Sombra is indeed guilty of destroying Crystal Empire property."
Dan decided to stand up, too at that moment. "For the record judge, if the Glass Heart pissed me off, I'd probably break it, too."
"Crystal Heart," Sam sternly corrected.
"Whatever." Dan sat down again.
"That's a very astute observation, Mr. Dan but it does not justify the damaging of such a sacred artifact," the judge said.
"Was worth a shot."
"While one of the allegations was resolved, it does still appear that the other charges remain in question," the judge said. "The prosecution may proceed."
"Thank you, your honor," Payne said. "For its next witness, the prosecution calls fourth two explosives experts to testify as to the remains of the Crystal Heart itself! I call to the stand the dynamic duo of dynamite demolitions, Blast Powder and Blast Fuse!"
The judge, jury and defense team turned their attention to the courtroom doors. Silently, they awaited the entrance of the two mares. And they waited. And waited. And the doors remained closed.
"Um…" Payne wiped sweat forming on his brow. "Uh-uhhh… th-the prosecution calls Blast Powder and Blast Fuse!"
The doors did not open.
"Um… please?" Payne pleaded.
Dan stood up again. "HEY! Is anypony out there?"
The judge furrowed his brow. "Does there seem to be a problem with the witness?"
"Give us a minute!" a high, female voice called from behind the doors.
"Ah… okay," the judge said. The court waited an awkward moment for the next witnesses to prepare themselves.
The doors to the courtroom slammed open. "Hi! Sorry about that," a unicorn mare said, trotting in.
"The guards outside said we couldn't take our gear into the courtroom," a pegasus mare following her said. "Something about all our demolition equipment being "unsafe." Whatever that means."
"Yeah," the unicorn agreed. "Like anypony can't handle the aura blast of a crystal-fiber explosive. They're practically foal's toys!"
"Um… crystal-fiber explosives?" Phoenix asked. "Like a bomb made out of crystal?"
The pegasus winked at Phoenix. "Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "pop rocks."
Both mares looked at Phoenix with sultry eyes. "You got a name, handsome?"
"It's Dan," the other biped said.
"And… I'm Lightning Claw," the indigo alicorn said, blushing.
"I'm Spike!" the baby dragon said, jumping up to grab attention.
"I'm Sam," Sombra said in an uninterested tone.
Phoenix noticed the two gray mares were still looking at him, batting alternate eyelashes seductively. "I'm… Phoenix Wright. I'm a… defense attorney."
"Oooooh, lawyer," the pegasus said. "Anyhows, I'm Blast Fuse."
"And I'm Blast Powder!" the unicorn introduced.
"AND YOU'RE BOTH MY WITNESSES!" Payne shouted from across the courtroom. "You're not supposed to fraternize with the defense!"
"Ah, keep your mane on, Payney," Blast Powder said.
"Yeah, we're just making friends," Blast Fuse added.
"You can make friends with the guilty party after you PROVE THEM GUILTY!" Payne roared, his voice cracking. "Now please, can we get to the proceedings?!"
"This is highly irregular," the judge announced. "And I can't count how many times I've said that. These witnesses are testifying simultaneously?"
"They are, your honor," Payne said. "These sisters are special. They can telepathically link themselves as well as timed explosives. It makes them especially precise when it comes to sabotage. As such, it's not necessary for them to give separate testimonies and because they both witnessed the crime, it would be inappropriate for one of them to be absent."
"I… see," the judge said. "I suppose a double testimonial wouldn't be able to be doctored easily at any rate. Is there any problem you see, Mr. Wright?"
Phoenix narrowed his eyes. (Two testimonials at the same time… can't say I haven't seen that before. Telepathically linked ponies that both saw the same crime. Is it still possible one of them could've seen something the other didn't? Maybe something they didn't share telepathically?) "I have no problem with this, your honor."
"Understood," the judge said. "Mr. Payne, you may proceed."
"Very well, ladies," Payne said, slicking back his mane. "Please go over exactly what you saw during the time the Crystal Heart shattered."
"Oh, yeah. We're finally on!" Fuse and Powder high-hooved. "You guys are about to get blown away!"
"An-and why is that?!" Payne asked, suddenly nervous.
The sisters grinned at him and said simultaneously, "Because our testimony is gonna be the bomb!"
"Ha!" Dan laughed. "It's cute because they still think it's the 90s."
"Yes, sir," the technician said, adjusting the display.
Vice leaned forward in his command throne, eyes fixated on the holographic projections. It was difficult managing and micromanaging events on one planet while simultaneously preparing to invade another. All these developments, every possibility had to be accounted for by him personally. There was no detail they could afford to let escape them. Unfortunately, nopony ever told them that something always would.
Or someone.
"Hnn-hnn-hmmm!"
The creepiest thing about the Director had to be her laugh. It was a high, trill cackle that actually ended higher than it began. Like the sharp giggle of a witch or that first orange ghost in the foyer of Luigi's Mansion. The kind of thing you're afraid of hearing when you're alone at night.
The Enclave ponies looked around, trying to see where the laugh had come from. Every spine in the operations center suddenly felt like it had been spiked with ice water. Vice Grip, though, was able to tell it had come not from any place on the floor but rather from above.
The shadowy form of the Director dropped from the ceiling and landed right in front of Vice Grip, between him and the tactical holoprojection table. He landed almost like a liquid shadow, an ethereal shape that seemed to be made of part smoke, part water and form into a solid in the instant it stood. Its eyes were also focused on the display, back towards Vice Grip.
"You know they're dead, right?"
Vice immediately stood, unsure of whether to step forward or back. He chose the former. "What are you talking about? The Saddle Arabians?"
"No," the Director said, his/her sounding very much like that of a teenager. "The zebras. And it's pretty sad, too; I liked Zeal's crew."
"What do you mean, "dead?" Vice pushed over to her side, moving him by the shoulder so he could see the display. "They just conquered Oasis City. They're perfectly fine!"
"Oh, how quickly victors become vanquished," the Director mused.
Vice grabbed it by the shoulders and spun it around. It was difficult to look into the Director's milky-white pupil-less eyes but he fought his discomfort. "ENOUGH with the riddles. What do you mean Zeal's army is dead? What's going to happen to them? A counterattack?"
"Kinda," the Director replied. His form shifted, almost melting into smoke and slipping from Vice Grip's grasp. The cloaked pony-creature stepped in front of the display, forcing Vice to simply turn and watch. He reached out a sickly-white hand and the holoprojection shifted. The Enclave technician stepped away silently.
The holographic display zoomed outward, showing a larger geographic landscape of the capital of Saddle Arabia, Oasis City. The desert stretched out and around the city in all directions with only a few railroads and beaten paths between the sloping dunes to indicate civilization. Like Equestria, Saddle Arabia was a small country with only a few towns and villages populating the otherwise wild landscape. Oasis City rose out of the sand like a mirage in the center of the desert, a massive castle made of sand-colored stone and special crystal ceramic that resembled a crown. Aptly named, the Mirage Palace was the center hub with the rest of the city expanding outward like a wheel. Water pooled up from a massive well in the center of the palace, feeding aquifers throughout the city. But at the moment, it was dry.
"Zebropolis is about eighty miles back the way they came and Zeal's army cut the rail lines," the Director said, pointing to the display.
"And?" Vice asked. "General Zen Zeal isn't an idiot. He knows his army needs supplies, water, food."
"Yeah, but he didn't bring enough," the Director plainly stated.
Vice set his jaw, annoyed. "And you know this… how?"
The Director spooled the projection display outward further. It switched from a geographic display to an astrologic one, showing the entire solar system of Equestria.
"Because of that," she pointed to the sun.
"The sun?" Vice asked. "Zeal no doubt is aware his troops need water. If for whatever reason his attack failed, it's likely he brought enough supplies with him to make the trip back to his home country. They're smart and like me, like all of us, they would have calculated this."
The Director smirked. She spooled the display back to the view of Oasis City. "Probably didn't calculate that, though."
Again, Vice was looking at the city. "Calculate what? What are you talking about?!" he yelled. He was frustrated, angry that the Director didn't share the same confidence he and the rest of FIST, the rest of the Enclave, the rest of his entire empire had, enraged that this creature kept things from him and absolutely furious it somehow seemed to delight when his plans backfired and didn't plan on telling him why. His metallic hands balled into fists.
The Director gestured towards the city. "Celestia's troops were the last to evacuate the city. They sabotaged the aquifers, wells and waterways before they did. The temperature of the climate around Oasis City has been steadily increasing since the zebras invaded and now they're in a foreign capital without water."
"Yup," she said, smiling. "And the zebras may have brought enough water with them for the trip there and back but at the current temperature. Celestia's stopped the sun at high noon ever since the zebras attacked and she's created a solar corridor over Oasis City. They have no way to replenish their water supplies and it will take them at least three days to get back to even the outskirts of the Zebra Kingdom."
Vice gulped hard. "But… but that means…"
"The zebras are currently searching the city, exhausting their water supplies fairly quickly. It's likely they've only just started to notice but it's too late to do anything about it. The air's drying out and so is the ground. At the current rate Celestia's increasing the sun's rays, they'll die of thirst in under ten hours. Twelve tops," the Director said.
"No… no, that can't happen!" Vice said. "She wouldn't do that! SHE CAN'T DO THAT!!"
The Director chuckled. "Well, she did. Guess there's a reason nopony messes with the princesses."
Vice thought quickly. There had to be something he could do to save his allies. The arcanists ALWAYS pulled some sort of crap like this but there was ALWAYS a way out of it. He had to think. Technology always provided answers, science would not be trumped by magic. There was a solution to this and he would find it, somehow.
It came to him. Celestia wasn't the only one who could control the sun; his Magic Gears were capable of moving it as well, as demonstrated in Ponyville last Hearth's Warming. If she could move the sun, he could reposition it. "Activate one of the nearest Magic Gears!" Vice commanded. The Enclave ponies at their terminals immediately went into action, gearing up the controls of the mechanized army. "What units are available? Get me direct control over the first ready unit!"
"All your Magic Gears are engaged," the Director said calmly. "They're all preparing to launch against Earth, remember? Even if you did move the sun back, it would probably only buy them a few hours at the most. Not enough time to get out of Oasis. And with the rail lines cut and the airships gone, they're pretty much stuck there. Whole new definition to the term sand trap, right?" she laughed.
Vice did not laugh. He was too overcome with fear. Not for himself but for his zebra allies. "G-get me a direct line with General Zeal! Contact him immediately!"
"The solar radiation is ionizing the atmosphere around Oasis City, blocking all signals in our out."
Vice sat back down in his command chair. He rubbed his metallic hands to his muzzle and over his eyes. "The Flutterbirds." He keyed the comms system on his chair. "Scramble Flutterbird assault wings two and three to Oasis City now! Deploy Hydra Squadron to evacuate General Zen Zeal and his officers!!"
The Enclave technician at the Flutterbird station keyed her controls. "Ops to flight control, priority one alert- authorization code: steel glove."
"Authorization confirmed, flight control responding."
"Flight control, mobilize groups four-thru-eight for immediate launch."
"Roger, ops."
Klaxons blared on the tarmac just north of the Steel Palace. The assembled fleet of Flutterbirds and larger attack craft were illuminated by the red lights and blaring alarms on the runway. Enclave flight crew ponies galloped, flew and teleported into position, manning the 'birds while still donning their own equipment. The pilots took to the controls and one by one, the Flutterbirds opened their butterfly-like wings and took to the sky. With military timing and precision only capable by the Storm Enclave, two full wings, one-hundred and twenty of the Flutterbird assault aircraft took to the skies in the direction of the Saddle Arabian capital.
"Assault groups two and three are in the air, sir," the technician responded.
"How long until they reach Oasis City?" Vice asked, gripping his chair.
"Three hours at present speed, sir."
"Good… good," Vice breathed a sigh of relief. "Their mission is to retrieve General Zen Zeal and his army. They'll most likely need water and medical attention. Inform the squadron leaders of their priorities."
"Yes, sir."
The Director adjusted the holographic projector again. It switched to a view of the Crystal Empire. Tiny holographic versions of the Flutterbird squadrons flew off to the east in formation like a flock of birds. He smiled at the display. "Ninety-nine red balloons go by…"
"Please…" Vice pressed two metal fingers to his temple, "get away from the holomap. Just, just leave. Please?"
The Director turned to him slowly, still smiling innocently.
Vice looked up. "What? Is there something you want? What?!"
"They're still not gonna make it…"
The scientist's fists balled again. He stood angrily. "You. Are going. To tell me. HOW to save them. Now."
"You don't get to control me, my little pony." The Director pulled back her hood. "I get to control you."
Vice's eyes went wide. His boots stepped backwards, as if pulled by some invisible force. "You… it… it can't be…"
"I'm not happy about it either," the Director said, stepping closer. "But there's a lot I'm not happy about. Some of it, I've come to accept. And the other bits…" she ran a long, thin, white finger across the arm of Vice's command chair. The lights on the controls flickered and faded. She leaned close to whisper in his ear, "I'm doing something about."
"You… you're their friend, though," Vice said. Despite everything, even he couldn't fathom the levels of evil he was seeing. The betrayal felt like a blackness that would touch any pony's heart, even his. The true identity of the Director… was a revelation almost too dark for even one who was planning on committing mass genocide. It was the closest thing to an actual knife in the back anypony would ever feel. In Equestria or Earth, anyway. And it was clear now the Director was from both.
"I am," she admitted. "I've been trying so hard to help Twilight, Spike, Fluffle, Dan, Chrys, Phoenix and all their friends. Even you, Lightning, Lulu and Tia. You see, this is the way that works out for the best. And it's why you have to see me as… sort of a neutral party," she grinned maniacally. "This way, everyone wins. Everypony, every human, all of us. Even me."
"How do they not know?" Vice had to ask. "How long have you been keeping this secret?"
The Director turned away. "Long enough. They don't see me very often, even less now that Dan's taken a more active role in Twilight's life. But I do my best to help them when I can," she said, pulling back her hood again. "It's what I'm good at."
Vice cleared his throat, trying not to sound shaken. "I, uh, I see. This does…. explain quite a bit. So, the real reason you want the humans is because…?"
"I am a scientist. Like you, Vice Grip," the Director said sternly. "We seek to solve different problems our own ways. You have yours, I have mine. The fact that our methods are unorthodox is what unites us. We require each other," she turned her eyes to him. "I should not have to remind you of this again."
Vice held up a finger. "I understand, Mr. Director," he said, chuckling now that he understood the title at last. "I vow to honor our agreement and shan't doubt you again. However," he pushed around him to the display, "our allies are in danger as well."
The Director turned to him, not smiling. "You allied with them, not me. They were not and are not part of our agreement."
"Ah, but you see," Vice changed the display. It changed to a picture of Phoenix Wright. "Neither was he. You want to explain to me what he's doing here?"
The Director turned away. "That's none of your business."
"Oh-ho," Vice said, "so you're not going to tell me why you knocked him out and hid him in a storeroom closet? And why you told him that Flim and Flam had a copy of the Magic Gear schematics?"
The Director looked down at the floor. "I… I'm just a fan, is all."
Vice grinned. "Oh, I think that's pretty obvious." It was so tempting to use his real name, he almost couldn't resist. "I have to say, I admire the humans, myself. But it's clear you've been making friends behind my back," he leaned in close to her. "And I don't think you want me doing anything about that, do you?"
The Director said nothing. Vice was right.
"So, you protect my friends and I'll make sure you get to see the famous Phoenix Wright in action. I'll even set it up so you can have a front row seat in the jury. Sound good?"
The Director looked up. "Yes… yes, I'd like that."
"Very good, very good," Vice laughed. "So… considering who you are… I'd like you to use your abilities to save General Zeal and his zebras for me. Okay?"
The hooded pony gave a single, silent nod.
"Great!" Vice patted her on the back. "Now, I take it that the Flutterbirds aren't going to help?"
The Director shook her head. "The intense solar activity will short out their motors within four-thousand meters of the city outskirts. They'll crash before they make it to Oasis."
"All right then," Vice said, returning to his command chair. "Then that changes a few things. Tell flight control to adjust their course," he keyed in a sequence on his chair and the holographic display changed again. "Let's see where Luna's refugee convoy is."
The Director looked up. "The Saddle Arabians?"
"Course change for the Flutterbirds, tell them to intercept Lunar Force One and the flotilla she's escorting."
The technician turned around. "Intercept, sir?"
"Intercept and engage," Vice said, grinning.
"Those… those are refugees," the Director muttered, suddenly sounding concerned. "They're innocents. The zebras attacked them on your orders, drove them from their homes and destroyed their city. They're injured and they've lost their families," she looked to the display, the holographic shapes representing the refugee convoy. "They've had the worst day of their lives."
"And I'm making it their last day," Vice said firmly. "I have uses for the zebras. I'm not going to tolerate the princesses screwing with my resources. If we take out Luna, that'll distract precious little Tia long enough for you to evacuate Zeal."
"Those are innocent civilians," the Director protested. "You're going to kill entire families."
"I'm going to kill civilizations," Vice corrected. "And you're one to talk. When it was the zebras, you didn't sound so concerned."
The Director looked down again. "The Saddle Arabians didn't attack the zebras…"
"You little hypocrite," Vice leaned forward. "Get out of my sight, string-puller. Go rescue the zebras and I'll make sure you see your trial."
She disappeared in a puff of smoke. The smoke itself quickly evaporated and for a moment, the ops center was quiet.
Vice leaned back in his chair. "Backhanded, indeed…" he muttered to himself.
The technician turned around to him. "Sir?"
"What is it?"
"What do you want me to do about the TIE fighters?"
Vice shook his head in confusion. "The what?"
"The TIE fighters, sir," she gestured to the console she was sitting at. "We've got a full wing of TIE fighters ready to launch if needed. They could form up with the Flutterbirds and uh… attack the convoy. Sir."
Vice immediately stood up from his chair and walked over to her. "You've got to be kidding me. We can't possibly have TIE fighters." He stood over her shoulder, looking at the display on her console. Sure enough, the displays for a full wing of Imperial TIE fighters designated the three-hundred and forty-third wing appeared on the screen. He turned to the technician. "WHEN THE HELL DID WE GET TIE FIGHTERS?!"
"I… I think the Director requested them, sir," the technician said, leaning in her chair away from Vice.
Vice pinched his forehead. "Of course. Knowing who he is, it makes sense now."
"I think they came from one of Barro's Star Wars crossovers," the tech said. Actually, they didn't. The only Star Wars crossovers I've written so far are set in the Old Republic era, which wouldn't contain TIE fighters. Not that they would know.
Vice pointed at the screen. "Aren't those from the new movie? Episode seven?" he asked. Unlike regular TIE fighters, the ones Vice was currently looking at had small antennas protruding from the tops of their cockpits, additional communications gear. These were special operations TIEs, and in fact were ripped right from Star Wars: The Force Awakens as Vice had guessed.
The Director, being a massive fanboy of everything in Earth and Equestria, was apparently obsessed with taking items from both worlds and sticking them together in whatever fashion she/he chose. While seemingly pointless and nonsensical, it did explain why ridiculous things from other worlds seemed to pop up randomly at different places. Yes, you should probably be making a note of this and no, it doesn't explain every fourth-wall moment though it KIND OF explains half of them. Some of them have no explanation, others don't need it. Regardless, Vice understood. And it pissed him off.
"Wait a minute… why did she give us the TIE fighters?" Vice asked.
The technician did not have an answer.
One of the other Enclave ponies across the room waved a hoof. "Doesn't Dan have a Y-Wing or something in his house?"
Vice palmed his face. "I get it… the Director wants US to be the bad guys."
The pony on the other side of the room raised his hoof again. "I thought we were the bad guys."
The technician nodded, as did the others.
"Yeah, I thought we were the bad guys."
"We are evil, right? I mean, FIST and the Enclave?"
"I thought we were evil."
"We just sent out a fleet of attack helicopters to kill a bunch of refugees in hot air balloons so… yeah, I think we're the bad guys."
"I'm just here for the healthcare plan… am I still evil?"
"Yes, actually, that makes you the most evil of all."
"Is that an Obamacare joke? I don't want this story to become political."
"I thought Obamacare was the joke."
"The joke is you two are both too stupid to realize you joined the bad guys for the healthcare plan."
"Oh… I don't get it."
"Which one? Obamacare or the fact that we're the bad guys?"
"Either, really…"
"I'm confused."
"WE ARE NOT THE BAD GUYS!!!"
Vice yelled.
The pony on the other side of the room raised his hoof again. "Do we still get the healthcare plan?"
Vice pointed back at him. "You don't get crap!"
The pony lowered his hoof and returned to his station.
For a moment, Vice stood, huffing angrily. "I don't care… what ANYPONY says. We do what's necessary. There are no good guys, there are no bad guys, there's just us. And that's all there's gonna be after we're finished. That's all you need to worry about."
Nopony dared question him. The ops center was a buzz of beeps and chirping digital circuits again. The Enclave ponies worked diligently at their consoles and computers, none of them saying a word.
The technician next to him tapped Vice on the shoulder.
"WHAT?!"
"What should I do about the TIE fighters?"
"Gnnrrrrrrrrr," Vice growled, shaking angrily. He threw his fists down, trying to vent his frustration. "You know what? Scramble them. Send them up to join the rest of the Flutterbirds. Maybe Luna won't be expecting them."
"Yes, sir."
Vice turned around, trying to make his way back to the command chair when someone stopped him. It was a TIE fighter pilot in uniform, standing at attention.
"Uh… hi?"
"My lord!" the pilot saluted. "Major Guy Nylette of the three-forty-third, sir! It's an honor to serve you, my lord!"
Vice's jaw hung open for a few seconds. He blinked.
The technician behind him muttered, "Guy Nylette the TIE pilot? What's next- Norm Cooper the Storm Trooper?"
"Lieutenant Norm Cooper is with the Storm Trooper corps, sir," Guy clarified.
Vice shook his head. "That's… wonderful, Guy," he pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. "Shouldn't you be with the rest of your squadron?"
"Sir, yes sir!" the pilot said back. "I just wanted to say what an honor it is, sir! We won't let you down!"
"Great," Vice said, too mentally exhausted to even pretend to care. "Go get 'em, skeeter."
"Sir, yes sir!" the pilot saluted, about faced and marched out of the control room.
When he was gone, Vice turned back and leaned over the technician's shoulder again. "When they get back, get Blast Fuse and Blast Powder to blow up all the TIE fighters. And the TIE pilots."
"I don't think we'll have to worry about that, sir," the technician said, looking at the screen. Vice looked up to watch with her and the two of them saw the TIE fighters quickly take to the skies. Even faster than the Flutterbirds and with less support, each of the TIEs in the three-hundred and forty-third TIE assault wing took off and got into formation to join the others. They formed up into groups of four, flying in tight box formations as opposed to the Flutterbirds to maximize their field of fire. It was even more impressive than watching the Enclave fly. But unlike the Enclave, it didn't last long.
"Oh… I see what you mean," Vice said.
"All units, keep your formations tight, come to point oh-five-jay-"
"Major! I've got a problem here!"
"What is it, ensig- oh no! A SLIGHT BREEZE!!!"
A minor gust of wind brushed the wing of TIE fighters in-flight, hitting them from the side. It blew them onto their sides, rolling them and sending them spinning towards the ground. The fighters collided into the ground, crashing and exploding into fiery bits of solar panel and shrapnel along the green landscape. Roughly two-hundred meters from the outskirts of the Crystal Empire, the three-hundred and forty-third TIE assault wing was destroyed by a gentle breeze.
"See?!" Vice Grip pointed at the screen. "That's why we don't have those!"
"Yes," Payne menacingly agreed, "and like a bomb counting down, the time you get blown away is fast-approaching, Mr. Wrong."
Phoenix smirked back. "I think the court could stand to get blown away, Writhe. So far, your prosecution has just been one big dud."
Payne's smile disappeared as he was suddenly taking aback by the defense's retort.
"HA!" Dan pointed at the prosecutor. "Good one, Nicky. Look at his face! His combover's about to slide off."
Phoenix did his trademark confidence pose. "It's like I told you, Dan. The more they try to screw things around, the more they wind up getting screwed themselves."
"You're the first attorney I think I'd actually let represent me, Nicky."
Wright turned back to him with a surprised grin. "Does that mean you'd actually hire me?"
"Um, no. But you'll have the privilege of being the first attorney that's ever defended me. That I did not attempt to maim before, after and during the trial," Dan said in a respectful tone.
"That… sounds like quite an honor, Dan," Phoenix said, turning back around. (An honor I'd be happy to receive so long as I was wearing body armor.)
"The only thing either of you will be representing is the last of your incompetent species!" Payne roared, furious. The courtroom was silent for a moment as the prosecutor panted. "I am NOT going to lose to some inept bipedal throwback and his two-bit defense team!" His combover had disintegrated, falling to either side of his head and dripping with sweat. He now appeared like he was bald and just had really long sideburns.
"No, you're not," Dan said, brimming with confidence. "You're going to lose to two inept bipedal throwbacks and their pro bono defense team."
"Thanks… Dan…," Phoenix said, slumping forward.
"Don't mention it, Nicky," Dan winked.
"BOTH of you are lucky this didn't happen to you sooner!" Payne yelled.
Phoenix took notice of how he phrased his remark. "Sooner? What do you mean by that?"
"Grrrrrr, never you mind, biped," the prosecutor dismissed him. "Powder! Fuse! Testify now to the composition of the Crystal Heart! Go into every detail of how it couldn't possibly have been anypony other than Sombra!!"
"Mfffff," the sisters giggled.
"What?" Payne demanded. "What's the problem?"
"Oh, th-there's no problem," Fuse said between laughs.
"Yeah!" Powder agreed. They then said simultaneously, "It's nothing that a little hair tonic wouldn't fix!"
Payne's shades fell off his face. He grabbed his head with his hooves. "I'm going to kill everyone in this courtroom. Even if I have to prosecute myself afterward," he muttered. "Start the testimonial!"
"Sure thing, baldy," the sisters said.
"Hmm? Did you mean me?" the judge asked.
"No, the other one."
"Ah. Please, continue."
Blast Fuse turned to Blast Powder. "You ready?"
"Eeyup!"
"All right, one… two… three…" the pair hid behind the podium for a moment. The judge, jury, defense and prosecution leaned forward to try to see what they were doing.
"We used to wonder what friendship could be~" Blast Powder said, popping up.
Blast Fuse popped up next, holding a detonator. "Until we found a crapload of TNT!"
*BABOOOOOM!!*
Both gray mares were engulfed in a fiery explosion. Smoke filled the courtroom, obscuring everything from floor to ceiling. When it finally cleared, Blast Powder and Blast Fuse stood at the podium, forelegs splayed out, as if waiting for applause.
"Did… did they just detonate a BOMB in the courtroom?!!" Sam asked.
"Yes," Phoenix answered, climbing up from behind the defense's desk. "Yes, they did. Not the first time that's happened to me but at least the courtroom isn't demolished this time." (Although, I will be requesting a blast shield for the attorney's bench for the next trial. If we survive this one.)
"Hehehehe," Blast Fuse giggled.
Blast Powder smirked. "I told you our testimony was going-"
"To blow your minds!"
"So, what did you guys think?"
"If you need cleared fields, broken shields and any and all deals sealed-,"
"Call up Pow & Fuse's BlastBlastBlast and Company for the highest yield!"
"I find myself appealed," Dan commented. "Looks like you've got some competition, Nicky. I might have them represent me in court."
Phoenix face palmed. "They just detonated a bomb!" he said, exasperated. "You don't even know if they practice law!"
"We don't, by the way," Fuse said.
"They detonated a bomb in the courtroom," Dan flatly stated.
"A party bomb!" Powder added.
"Exactly," Dan agreed. "That's the kind of representation I'm looking for."
"WHAT?!!" Payne yelled. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"
"Order!" the judge banged his gavel. "Mr. Payne, why are you yelling?"
"WHAT?" he yelled again. "I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING."
"Oh crap, he's deaf," Phoenix said.
"OH CRAP I'M DEAF!!" Payne shouted. He held his ears down.
"Ughh," Blast Powder rolled her eyes. "It's temporary."
"Your hearing will return in a few seconds," Blast Fuse said.
"MY WHAT?!!" Payne said. "I THINK MY HEARING IS RETURNING!"
"Greeeeeaaat," Powder said. "Hopefully, you'll be able to hear the testimony… friggin idiot."
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!!"
"Let's go, sis."
Dual Witness Testimonial
Blast Fuse: Not many ponies know this but the Crystal Heart actually has a lot of different magical defenses in place. Blast Powder: The original ponies that founded the Crystal Empire knew that the Crystal Heart would be the "heart" of the Empire in more ways than one. Blast Fuse: Because of its importance, and the fact they knew all the crystal ponies would want to see it, they kept it in on this altar. Blast Powder: Out in the open. Blast Fuse: So EVERYPONY could see it. Blast Powder: But this also meant it would be harder to protect. Blast Fuse: Especially like at night when everypony was asleep. Blast Powder: So they put a bunch of spells on it to prevent it from being stolen. Blast Fuse: Not broken. That's an important distinction to make. Blast Powder: The Crystal Heart is actually SOOOO powerful, they never anticipated it being broken. By anypony. Blast Fuse: Or anything. I mean, seriously, it's exposed to the elements twenty-four-seven so they pretty much thought it was safe to just leave it alone on a pedestal in the middle of the city. Blast Powder: Wind, earthquakes, tourists- they were sure nothing would be able to break the Crystal Heart. They thought it was that safe. Blast Fuse: They were wrong, obviously. Blast Powder: They put a spell on the Crystal Heart so that only the current ruler of the Crystal Empire could remove it from the altar. Blast Fuse: They obviously didn't think the ruler would ever be the one to break it. Or maybe they thought the leader of the Empire should be the only one with the ability to break it if it was ever necessary. Blast Powder: Either way, that means only ponies who rule the Crystal Empire can touch the Crystal Heart. Blast Fuse: Like Sammy-boy for example. Blast Powder: So, because Vice was out playing hero, giving a big speech and Cadence and Shining Armor were in jail,- Blast Fuse: And there aren't any other rulers of the Crystal Empire around- Both: The only pony who could've shattered the Crystal Heart was King Sombra.
"Hmm…" the judge closed his eyes, considering the testimonial. "That seems to be a very intricate way of protecting a gem. I must say, it does make sense to only allow one who was very trusted to have access to such a treasure."
"Unless the guy in charge isn't very trustworthy," Dan said.
Lightning Claw shrugged. "It's an ancient empire that's been disappeared for the past thousand years. They probably didn't think the ruler would have any reason to steal the Crystal Heart. Or break it."
"But… wait a minute," Firedancer said, thinking. "You said only the current ruler of the Crystal Heart could touch it, right?"
The sisters nodded simultaneously. "Yes. The spell makes it so no other pony can even budge the Crystal Heart," they also said simultaneously.
"Even levitation and telekinetic magic won't work," Blast Fuse said.
"And it's also immune to the effects of weather, dark magic and flash photography," Blast Powder continued.
"It stays crunchy even in milk!" Blast Fuse said, smiling.
"And would make a great reading light if Hasbro decided to market replicas of it to sell!" Blast Powder said. "C'mon, folks, you know you want one," the unicorn said, winking at the camera.
"Yeah but…" Firedancer said, hoof to his chin, "only the rulers of the Crystal Empire can do anything with it…" his voice became softer. He grabbed Phoenix Wright's arm. "Phoenix, I think you should object to that."
"You don't think Sam could've done it because he's not technically the ruler right now?" Phoenix asked in a whisper.
Firedancer nodded. "That's what they said, anyway…"
Phoenix rubbed the gray pony's fiery mane. "That's pretty perceptive of you to notice a detail like that. I thought of it, too, but they usually have counters for technicalities like that. Do your really think it could be a contradiction in their testimony?"
"Um… I dunno," Firedancer said shyly. "But even if it isn't, it could explain a bit more about what really happened."
Phoenix smiled. Firedancer had the makings of a good defense attorney.
"This definitely does shift the blame back in Mr. Sam's direction," the judge stated. "Mr. Wright, you may begin your cross examination."
"WHAT?!"
Dan raised his hand. "If I have to testify, I demand my own bomb."
If I Was Into That Sort of Military-Grade High Explosive Thing
"Dan, you're not a witness. There's no need for you to testify in this case," Lightning said.
"I know, I know," Dan defended. "I'm just saying IF and WHEN I testify NEXT TIME, THEN I demand my own bomb."
(And I'll demand a blast shield.) "What if you're doing the cross examination?"
Dan thought about that for a moment. It wasn't the first time he'd thought of going into law but he had to admit, the title of Dan, ace defense attorney, did have a ring to it. He imagined himself wearing a blue suit and having slick-backed hair like Phoenix with a tie that said JERK vertically on it, a briefcase with the words Dan-Wright Equestrian Legal Services written on it in his hand. It wasn't a bad image.
"I demand two bombs, then," Dan stated. "And you get to help me set them up."
Phoenix forced a smile. "I'm sure the judge will get a… bang out of it." (If he doesn't throw us out.) "Anyway, I'd like to get on with the cross examination."
The judge nodded. "You may proceed, Mr. Wright."
"Yes, your honor."
Dual Cross Examination
Phoenix approached the two sisters at the witness stand. "Now, my associate just brought up a good point."
"That everypony who testifies should get a bomb?" Blast Fuse asked.
"No, NO!" Phoenix quickly waved his arms. "I mean- Firedancer. He brought up the fact you specifically stated that only current rulers of the Crystal Empire can even move the Crystal Heart, which explains how Sombra could've broken it."
"Yep," Pow said. "Only the leader of the Empire actually has access to the heart to do anything with it. Or leaders."
No one else noticed but Phoenix did. Across the courtroom, Payne sat with a venomous smile plastered on his face. He knew what it had to mean: Payne wanted Phoenix to press the issue. A loaded portion of the testimony, like a land mine just waiting to be stepped on by Phoenix uttering one of his trademark phrases. Objecting to this statement, pressing it or even questioning it further was what Payne wanted and could wind up costing Phoenix the case.
"I see," Phoenix said, pretending to rub his chin. "That's very interesting." He turned around, pacing back to the defense desk.
Payne cleared his throat. "Uh-umm… you… don't you, uh, have anything more to say?"
"Mr. Payne!" the judge banged his gavel lightly. "This is Mr. Wright's cross examination. If you have something to say, you must make an objection to the defense!"
"Uh-ugh, ye-yes, your honor," Payne said. Phoenix turned around and noticed beads of sweat on Payne's forehead again.
"This does narrow down the possible ponies who could've broken the Crystal Heart," Phoenix continued. "Other than my client, who else had the potential to break the Crystal Heart?"
Payne rose a sweaty hoof. "OB-OBJECTION!!"
The courtroom turned to him. "Yes, Mr. Payne?"
The mustard pony shook. "Um… he didn't ask the right question…"
"MR. PAYNE!!" the judge bellowed. "This is the defense's cross examination! It is up to the defense to decide what questions to ask the witness, not yours!!"
A psyche-guage above Payne's head took a hit. Having already been battered down to half, the white bar representing the prosecutor's help lowered further to one-quarter. "GAH!!!"
Phoenix smiled. (If I just wait for him to make all these mistakes, maybe he'll end the trial for me. But wait… that would only put him in contempt of court. Then they'd probably summon another prosecutor like Edgeworth or someone. Not that I bet he wouldn't be happy here but it still wouldn't tell us who really broke the Crystal Heart.)
He turned back to the witnesses. "So, who else at the time was currently capable of breaking the Crystal Heart?"
"Just Sombra-boy," the sisters said at the same time.
This was the answer to press, Wright knew it.
"How do you know?"
Blast Fuse shrugged. "It's clear as crystal, Wright. Ole' Shadow-smog was the only pony on the first floor where the Crystal Heart was. He was standing right in front of it, the pedestal fell over and the gem crashed to the ground."
"No explosion though," Powder said. "That was kind of disappointing."
Phoenix thought. (This is getting me nowhere. Who else could've broken the Crystal Heart?)
"Let's say everypony who could've broken the Crystal Heart was within distance of it," Wright said. "Who else would be able to break the Crystal Heart?"
Both of the explosive mares thought about it, adorably mulling over the idea tapping their hooves to their chins.
"Hmm…"
"Well, Vice Grip for one."
"I'm betting he still did," Dan said. "He probably broke it with those steel gloves he loves so much."
"He was out giving speeches at the time on how great he is," Lightning said. "That's his alibi."
Dan threw his hands up. "Of course. Guy's ego is so big, he can use it as a life raft. I'll leave it to you, Nicky."
"Who else?" Phoenix asked.
The two sisters thought again. "Princess Cadence." Blast Powder said.
"And Prince Shining Armor," Fuse added.
"But they were both locked up at the time," Powder said.
Phoenix nodded. "I understand."
"Yeah. We would've blasted them out if we knew where they were," the two sisters said simultaneously.
"Vice had them hidden," Fuse said.
"Hidden in plain sight is more like it," Dan said, folding his arms. "Right under his boot where he wants them."
Phoenix's eyes went wide. (Right under his boot…) "Miss Powder and Fuse."
"Yeah, babe?" they batted eyelashes at him.
"You having fun?"
"Cross examining us both?"
"At the same time?"
"Mmmm."
"Maybe we should make this a…"
"…closer examination?"
Phoenix shivered. The double-speech given by the cute mares sent a chill up his spine. He shook it off. Now wasn't the time, even if he had been into that sort of thing. Which he wasn't. At least, he didn't think so.
"Um… how exactly did the Crystal Heart break?"
"Sombra knocked it over," Fuse said.
"Slammed it against the floor," Pow added.
"So… you're saying it fell over?" Phoenix asked to clarify.
"Mm-hmmm," the mares mewed. "King Sombra used his magic to knock it over."
Phoenix smiled. "OBJECTION!!"
The judge's eyes went wide. "Objection, Mr. Wright?"
"Yes!" Phoenix said. "This evidence contradicts the witness's statement!"
"And… what piece of evidence is that?"
Phoenix held up a photograph. The same photograph from earlier. "I was wondering where this piece of evidence fit in but I didn't know until now."
Payne smirked. "The photo of King Sombra? You trying to get him locked up now, Wright? If you say that's a picture of who broke the Crystal Heart, you're pretty much forfeiting the case."
The defense attorney put his hands on his hips. "It is who broke the Crystal Heart."
The prosecutor's shades fell off. "It… it is?! You just admitted defeat, Phoenix Wright! Ha ha! I DID IT!!" he almost jumped for joy. "I can't believe Phoenix Wright actually admitted that I, a Payne actually beat him in-"
"You didn't let me finish," Phoenix said.
Payen's smile quickly faded as Phoenix grinned at him. He swallowed hard.
The jury was on the edge of their individual seats. Dan, Lightning Claw, Spike, Firedancer, even Sambra leaned forward, eager to hear what Phoenix was about to say.
Phoenix held up the photo. "This is a picture of the pony that broke the Crystal Heart. The ONLY pony who could've broken the Crystal Heart."
The judge leaned forward in his own chair. "And… who is this pony, Mr. Wright?"
"I'm not sure."
The jaws of the courtroom collectively dropped.
"That means you lose, Wright!!" Payne said, pointing at him. "Say good-bye to your psych-guage! This trial is over!"
"Again, not finished," Phoenix smirked.
"Geh," Payne winced.
"I'm only sure of one thing: that this picture is NOT of my client, the defendant, King Sombra, aka Sam," Phoenix said. "But it is a picture of one of the only two ponies who had could've been able to destroy the Crystal Heart at this time."
"And these ponies are…?" the judge asked.
"The current rulers of the Crystal Empire," Phoenix said. "Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor. This photo was taken from above."
"Ob-OBJECTION!!" Payne waved his hoof. "That's not possible! Cadence and Shining were prisoners at the time King Sombra stormed into the mall! They were-"
"Imprisoned right underneath the Crystal Heart!" Dan yelled, emphatic. "They had the perfect opportunity to break it right under every pony's nose!!"
"But… but how?!!" Payne said, practically pleading. "How does this picture prove they were the ones that broke it??!!"
"It was stated that my client would've had to use magic in order to break the Crystal Heart," Phoenix said, holding up the photo. "But there's no aura in this photograph to indicate a spell was used!!"
The jury gasped. Murmurs of dissent broke out among the poorly-graphiced heads representing individual jurors.
"Then how were Shining Armor and Cadence able to break the Crystal Heart?" the judge asked.
Phoenix made one of his hands flat and hit it from underneath with his fist. "They smacked into it from underneath. It caused the pedestal to wobble and fall over. Sambra just happened to be there when it happened."
"That's… that's not possible!!" Payne screeched. "Where's the evidence that any of this took place at all?!"
Phoenix turned to Sam. "Maybe if understood why it was in black and white?"
Sam, the pony who was and was not King Sombra, couldn't bare to look Phoenix in the eyes. Dan and the others turned to him as well. His face turned red. "You didn't have anything to do with that… or did you?"
The Confession- What Actually Happened
"We had to break the Crystal Heart. After Prince Shining and Princess Cadence were captured, I was the only one left. I still was able to maintain contact with them through Flash Sentry before they separated them and we all agreed something had to be done. We knew that when the Crystal Heart was broken, the only one of us who wasn't imprisoned would be left to rule the Crystal Empire. It was supposed to be me but… I couldn't."
Phoenix stepped forward. "Why?"
Sombra turned to face Wright. "I ruled the Crystal Empire once. Even vindicated, I didn't think I deserved to rule it again. I couldn't bare the thought of… doing what I did a second time. When Cadence and Shining attacked the Crystal Heart, I tried to make it look like I was the one who broke it so I would be arrested as well. I had no idea it was really what Vice Grip wanted."
"Afraid…?" Payne asked, jittering in disbelief. "AFRAID?!! You're KING SOMBRA! You seized the throne of the CRYSTAL EMPIRE! You ENSLAVED all the crystal ponies, you're a conquerer, a tyrant, a-"
"My name is Sam," the defendant said, his voice shy but clear. "I did terrible things as King Sombra. But, through the kindness… and love, of others, I've been given a second chance. I was afraid of… becoming what I was again. I was a king of shadows and they showed me light. I was afraid that if…" his voice trembled. "That if I was king again, that King Sombra would come back. I love Flash Sentry… I didn't want to go back to the darkness again."
Phoenix placed a comforting hand on Sam's shoulder. Lightning followed, then Spike, Firedancer, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder, finally forcing Dan to conceit a comforting pinkie finger on Sam's opposite shoulder. The dark-blue stallion blushed, closed his eyes and began to purr. For a few moments, they all shared a feeling of warmth. Even the Judge, who had somehow stepped down from the bench without anypony realizing he was there.
Lightning Claw and Blast Fuse, hovering above the group to snuggle Sam, were the first to notice the bearded one.
"Uh…" Lightning muttered.
Phoenix opened his eyes, saw the additional shadow on the ground and followed it to a pair of beach sandals. "Uh… Judge?"
"Mmmmm," the judge hummed contently, a hand on Sam's mane. "I do love moments like this."
"I, err, uh… ummm…"
"Yes, Mr. Wright?"
Phoenix was going to say something, remark on how weird it was to see the judge not behind his platform but decided against it. Instead, he said, "Uhmm… nice sandals."
"Oh-ho, thank you, Mr. Wright," Judge said delightedly. "They're actually a gift from Mr. Gant."
The lawyer nodded. "I feel less comfortable knowing that now."
Sam hugged the closest thing to him, which just so happened to be Dan, tightly. "Thank you… all of you… f-for accepting me." Dan groaned but didn't protest. Sometimes, these moments were necessary. None of them argued with that, though one pony in the courtroom didn't join in.
"Touching," Payne remarked. "I'm sure that anypony, any creature for any pathetic dimension could commit any crime and no matter how heinous it was, they'd find "forgiveness" and "acceptance" here. Accepted fools, all of you," he said, sleeking back his mane yet again.
"Maybe you should try understanding others, Payne," Wright said. "It might help you win cases if you show your clients a little sympathy."
"Not against Nicky," Dan said, patting his friend on the back. "But hey, another lawyer might show up in Equestria and then you might stand a chance in court against a human."
"Heh, right…" Phoenix agreed, thinking. (Aaaaand there's the image of Edgeworth riding a pony again.)
"Ha! Who knew they'd crossover Steel Samurai and the Pink Princess again?! This is amazing! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!"
And then, the image in Phoenix's head panned over to show Apollo Justice riding a unicorn.
"I know, right?! And they're making a sequel where the Steel Samurai and the Pink Princess meet the Jammin' Ninja and Blue Badger! Just wait until Nick hears about this!"
The image continued panning finally to show Dan in the background preparing to strangle both attorneys while Phoenix desperately tried to stop him.
(Maybe I can have Twilight summon the best therapist ever to Equestria… because I think I'm going to need one.)
Payne smirked. "Is that so? Perhaps I should consider moving to Earth- oh wait, I forgot," he smiled villainously, "that's not going to be an option very soon."
"It's already not an option for you," Dan said, folding his arms. "Because there's no one on Earth that'd summon you unless they wanted to know what a talking yellow snow pony looks like."
Payne's smile quickly turned to a glare at the statement.
"Seriously Payney, there isn't a person on Earth desperate enough to hire you," Dan continued. "Ya look like urine, ya smell like urine and I don't want to know what's keeping your combover standing but I bet it's not-"
Phoenix covered Dan's mouth before he could say any more. "We get it, he's disgusting and bald. Uh… no offense, Judge."
"None taken," the judge said, sitting back at his bench. "At any rate, with this new evidence, it does appear to cast the trial in a whole new light, in more than one way," he said, looking to Sam. "King Som-err, King Sam-"
"Just Sam," the defendant said, smiling thankfully.
"Oh, sorry. Mr. Sam," the Judge said clearly, "I hereby find you:
NOT GUILTY
The judge banged his gavel, making it official. The courtroom erupted into cheers and elation. Writhe N. Payne slammed his hoof on the desk but it was drowned out by the applause. The prosecuting pony made his way out the side door, eager to be away from the celebration. Phoenix Wright, Sam and Dan triumphantly led their party out of the courtroom, happy that the right verdict had been reached once again.
"Thank you… for defending me, Mr. Wright," Sam said.
"Don't mention it. And call me Phoenix," he said, smiling.
"That was a pretty cool trial," Firedancer remarked. "I think… maybe I might try to be an attorney."
Phoenix smiled at the young stallion. "You definitely have a knack for noticing details."
Firedancer looked down at the statement. "I only notice the obvious stuff…"
"Hey, every detail's important," Phoenix said, kneeling down to him. "It might seem obvious to you… and to a lot of ponies, sometimes. But sometimes, we need the obvious stuff to be pointed out to us so we see how it all fits in the bigger picture."
The fire-maned stallion thought for a moment, then nodded. His power might make things burn but he was learning he could light things up in his own way if he focused enough. This was the beginning of Firedancer's career as a defense attorney.
"Speaking of obvious," Dan said. He looked up at the Steel Palace looming in the distance. "I think it's time we took care of that bigger picture." Dark clouds still hung overhead, the only light filtering from directly above the palace itself. Since Sam had been exonerated though, a bit of the magic of the Crystal Empire appeared to be returning. Color filled a few of the streets and crystalline translucence returned to the architecture, taking place of the drab metallic sheen.
"We can blow it up!!" Blast Powder and Blast Fuse exclaimed, hopping in unison.
"Hahaha," Dan chuckled. "I love these mares! They volunteer to blow things up for me. I'm taking both of you back to Ponyville with me."
"Yayyyyy~!" the sisters mew-applauded. They immediately hovered over to Phoenix Wright in an incredibly cartoony fashion, like there was any other kind.
"This means we'll be seeing a lot more of each other, Pheeny!" Fuse said.
"A lot more!" Powder agreed.
"Uh… great," Phoenix said nervously.
"Do you like cardboard boxes, Pheeny?" Fuse asked.
"I uh, I guess?"
"Mmmm, good," Powder remarked.
"Wh-why is that good?" the lawyer nervously asked.
The two sisters gave each other a mischievous glance before answering in unison, "Because we want to get shipped with YOU!"
Phoenix started sweating. "Uh-uh-bu-but…"
"Ha!" Lightning laughed. "Looks like you're screwed, Wright."
"Uh-umm, uh-" the lawyer stammered. "OBJECTION!"
The two gray mares slid right up next to him, one on each side.
"Over-"
"Ruled."
They both glomped him, tackling him to the ground and snuggling him cutely. The only thing that would've made it better for them is if Rainbow Dash had been there. Phoenix could've gone either way, which the same could be said of Blast Powder and Blast Fuse, but in a different way than Phoenix.
"Well… I guess that makes you king again," Lightning said to Sam. "Shining and Cadence are already imprisoned for trying to break the Crystal Heart. I guess the most Vice could do with either of them is extend their sentences."
"That's not going to happen," Dan said. "We're going to that tower right now and we're going to take that whackjob down."
Sam looked down. "I… I don't think I'll be able to help you. I'm not a king, not really. I'm afraid that if I… I try to use my magic…"
Dan patted him on the shoulder. "It's all right, Sammy. I don't want anybody's help anyway."
"You don't?"
"Nope," Dan faced the tower. "This is between me and Frankensteed up there. It always has been. He wanted this to be me versus him, that's what he's gonna get," he declared, cracking his knuckles.
Lightning thought about something in that instant. "You… you didn't trust Vice from the beginning, did you? Back then, in Cloudsdale… did you know?"
Dan rose an eyebrow. "Did I know he was a genocidal maniac who wanted me to help him destroy a whole planet? No, I didn't," he admitted. "I didn't trust him the moment I saw him. If he was any different, maybe, I might've thought otherwise but then he started talking like he knew me already. He said we both wanted to make Equestria a better place in different ways, talked about me like he knew where I came from."
"Because he knew you were from Earth?"
"I remember how I was before I came to Equestria," Dan continued. "If you asked me then how I would've made Earth better, there's only one answer I would've given you. But it's not the right one. I… was a bit cynical, I guess, back in California," he sighed. "I understand now, a second chance, a real second chance isn't just burning everything down, destroying everything you've built and starting from scratch. It means starting right where you're at and just moving in the right direction. Sometimes, with a few new friends to go with you." He rubbed Lightning's mane, the first sign of voluntary acceptance he'd shown to the pony since meeting him.
"But we like destroying things!" Blast Fuse and Blast Powder whined, still pinning Phoenix to the ground.
"That's fine," Dan said, grinning. "I do, too. Believe me. You just have to make sure the important stuff's still standing when you're done!"
"Very well-said, Dan," Sam said. "But how are you going to get Vice Grip to surrender?"
Dan turned to him. "I'm going to leave him like he left me: broken, lost and missing friends. As in, I'm going to break every bone in his body, he's going to lose a lot of blood and when I'm done, he's going to be missing friends. Mostly teeth. And probably organs."
"Ah," Sam said, shivering. "A-again, very well-said."
"All right," Dan announced to the others, "I'm taking Nicky and the Boom Boom Sisters to go blow up Hitler-pony in the Evil Palace of Fear. Who wants to come with me?"
"How are we gonna get there?" Firedancer asked.
"Give me five minutes and a roll of duct tape," Dan said, turning back to the Steel Palace. His eyes narrowed. "Let's go have fun storming the castle."
"So… are we going to fly there?" Lightning asked. "Teleport? Steal a Flutterbird? Should we start walking now or…?"
"I want you to fly there," Dan said, focused on the palace.
"Okay, and?"
"Make sure nothing gets out."
"Gets out…?" Lightning asked, confused.
Dan didn't look back at him. "Make sure NOTHING gets out until I say so." He turned to Phoenix. "Nicky, take the explosive material girls and start planting bombs on each of the Magic Gears."
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder's eyes lit up. "YES! Yes, we can do that!!"
Phoenix nodded. "We will indeed, just, calm it down, you two," he patted both the sisters.
"Oh, but-"
"Before we go," Fuse and Powder trotted over to Dan. The pegasus demolitionist pulled out a sack from her saddlebag and hooved it to Dan.
"What's this?" Dan asked, opening the bag.
"It's a bag fulla bombs!" Powder said, hopping.
Dan looked inside. "It IS a bag fulla bombs!"
"We know!" the sisters said simultaneously. "It's a bag fulla bombs!"
"It's a bag fulla bombs!" Dan repeated, giddy as a school colt. "Nicky, look! It's a bag fulla bombs!"
"Great," Phoenix said, forcing a smile. "Hearth's Warming came early."
Dan looked inside the bag. "Are these armed now?"
"Of course not, silly!" Fuse said.
"Bombs don't have arms. Duh," Powder added.
"But be careful not to drop it too hard."
"They will blow up if you're not gentle. Most of them at the same time."
"Most of them~" Fuse said with a wink.
Dan tied up the bag tight. "I understand but… what do you want me to do with them?"
The two sisters came right up to his face. "Throw 'em at somepony you don't like!" Powder exclaimed.
"Send 'em out with a bang!" Fuse remarked.
Dan hugged the two mares right then and there. "This is… one of the best gifts I've ever received! I love you, explodey ponies!"
They both kissed him. "We love ya, too, sugar bomb." They walked over to Phoenix Wright and began pulling him down the street with them.
"If you ever want to go two-for-two with Phoenix here, our door's always open!"
"Always!"
Dan waved at them. "I have no idea what that means! Thanks!"
"Thanks for remembering to get US something, too!!" Lightning yelled at the two mares. He turned to Dan. "We'll get going, too. We'll make sure nothing gets out of there, just don't blow the whole place up." He grabbed his brother and bolted into the distance, flying towards the Steel Palace.
"No promises," Dan said. That left him alone with the king of the empire, the former King Sombra.
"Vice Grip's going to know you're coming, Dan," Sam warned. "You could be walking right into a trap."
"I know," Dan replied. "But he's out of tricks. He's got nothing left to hide behind, no made-up laws or regulations, no bureaucracy to stand between me and giving him the pummeling he most sorely deserves."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Sam said, voice foreboding. "I was a villain, once. We always have something else up our sleeves, something hidden. I did… and it cost my people a millennium. Don't overlook the future, Dan."
Dan smirked. "Never do, Sammy. I'm always ready for anything."
"And how exactly have you managed that?"
"Simple." The human looked over to Sam and gave him a grin that made his time as Sombra look sane. "I always go prepared."
"Good luck… Mr. Dan," Sam said. He teleported out of sight.
"Right, now it's time to conquer the castle," Dan said to himself, now that he was completely alone. The impenetrable obelisk that had become the Steel Palace loomed ahead, ethereal light still pouring in from the halo in the clouds above it. It was both angelic and ominous at the same time, white light filtering down through a hole in the clouds onto the landscape of gray. The steel shined in some places but very few. The structure looked like a massive sword aimed to pierce the heavens. Whether that was intentional or not, Dan did not know or care.
Dan walked through the empty streets looking for a specific couple of stores. For some reason, he thought of Mr. Mumbles, his cat from Earth. After being evicted from his apartment, he'd given his feline friend to Chris to take care of while taking up residence in his car. He knew his friends would be okay but he still wondered about them from time to time. After this was over, maybe he would ask Twilight to summon them here so he could visit with them. And subsequently brag about how he had saved Equestria multiple times and knew the rulers of an alternate dimension and was a big hero to them. Modestly, honestly and without a single bit of embellishment, of course.
It didn't take him long to find what he was looking for: a chariot dealership and a segway shop, both within distance of one of the Crystal Empire's old jousting fields. He thought of his friends, all of them, both on Earth and Equestria as he worked to build something new, something that would help him free them.
In under five minutes, Dan had assembled his new method of liberation:
Custom Crystal Cruising Combat Conveyor Dan's Chariot The closest thing to Dan's car in Equestria *available to be bedazzled*
Powered by as many combined segway motors as Dan could get his hands on and propelled on six crystal wheels, Dan's chariot was a vehicular juggernaut. Armed with two lances on either side, blazing headlights and painted red(because da red ones go fasta), the chariot even featured the word JERK emblazoned in the center of the front for all to see. Dan could control it by a carefully-juryrigged handlebar he placed in front of the driver's station.
"Now THIS is how you Segway!!!!" Dan revved the throttle and the chariot shot out of the garage and down the street. With so many batteries combined to power it, the chariot sped down the street faster than any other chariot had ever traveled in the Crystal Empire.
Unfortunately, the batteries lasted about the same amount of time it took Dan to build the chariot itself. The lights flickered and his new vehicle came to a rolling halt about halfway to the palace.
"Oh, for frig's sake!" Dan shook the handles of his powerless vehicle. He groaned, got out a hand crank and recharged the batteries manually.
It was difficult to tell time in the Crystal Empire with the constant cloud cover. Dan drove his chariot another block before it ran out of power again and he was forced to recharge it, then drive it again another block before disembarking yet again and recharging it. This process continued periodically in the timeless state of the Crystal Empire until Dan finally reached the palace.
My car. I'm having Twilight summon my car the first thing when we get back to the library. And Mr. Mumbles. But first, my car.
Dan walked up to the base of the Steel Palace. Unlike other places in the Crystal Empire which were regaining their crystal quality, the palace remained gray on closer inspection, the same steel color it had been when he first saw it. The Heartview Mall still occupied the space directly under it but the lights were off. The neon signs had gone out and even the doors looked somewhat faded and hollow. It was as if the entire building was a massive facade that had crumbled now that the ruse was foiled. Through the glass windows in front, Dan saw not a single light on.
As he approached, the doors in front of him opened, welcoming him to the darkness inside.
San Garry's Mod International Airport, Los Angeles CA Two years ago
"This is wrong… we've checked the plane twice, Dan isn't here," Elise said.
"We've already checked the tarmac and the terminal building," Chris said, thinking out loud. The pair of them paced back and fourth frantically. Airport officials and security guards stopped to talk to them now and then, update them on the situation but it wasn't looking good. They were running out of places to search.
Chris checked his cell phone again. "I'm still not getting a signal from his phone."
"Did anyone even see him leave the plane?" Elise asked. She looked out the window onto the runway. Their plane was still there. "Did anyone see him get off?"
"I don't know," Chris said. He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged. "Maybe we should check baggage claim?"
"This is serious, Chris!" Elise berated her husband.
"I'm being serious! Maybe somebody mistook Dan for luggage? I mean, if he got knocked out or something."
"Sure they would. And maybe if he fell out of the plane, they'd mistake him for a dragon or something."
"I thought you said this was serious," Chris said, earning him a glare from his wife. He shrugged again. "Maybe we should check the emergency exits. Maybe he-"
Chris' phone started vibrating. He held it up and checked the display. "I'm getting a text."
"Who's it from? Is it security or-"
"Ohmaigawd," Chris said, staring at the phone. "It's from Dan!"
Northern Equestria, the Crystal Palace, FIST-occupied Crystal Empire Now
Dan stepped inside the mall. Despite the fact that he couldn't see anything in the blackness within, he still knew something had changed. It felt different- the air, the floor, the atmosphere of whatever he'd just walked into had shifted since the few hours he'd been there. He took careful steps forward, cautious of even the floor falling out from underneath him. It could be another trapdoor, or anything else, he didn't know what. But he knew he had to keep going. There was no turning back.
The pale light from outside wasn't able to illuminate anything within. Twelve steps into the mall and he was in complete darkness. He thought about reaching for his phone and using the screen to try and provide some light when the lights overhead flickered on.
The mall- or rather, the Crystal Palace was lit enough to see now. The food court and the entire layout of the front entrance had changed. He turned around to see the doors closing behind him, even the windows shutting. Nothing was the same. It looked like an actual palace now but not like anything he'd expect to see in Equestria.
The entrance hall was the same shape as the food court, even had the same bank of elevators in the center. But the walls that stores had occupied and the second floor overhead were now gone, vacant. The room stretched upward as it had before but without the walkways, the ceiling was that much higher overhead. The sterile white colors and tile had been replaced by dark indigos, purples and blues. Lavish ornamental curtains hung from the walls and massive tapestries and paintings adorned the center of each surface. Each painting depicted Earth Ponies, some even with humans, in poses of triumph.
None of it made sense to Dan. Probably just more distractions anyway. At least, he could see now. He walked to the bank of elevators directly in the center of the room, the only things that looked the same as the last time he'd seen them. His footsteps made no echoes as he walked. There was no noise at all.
He almost reached the elevator when it dinged and finally broke the silence. The doors opened revealing a familiar face.
"You."
"Oh, crap, not you again," Dan said. "Look, I don't have time for-"
"You." Captain Springer, fully armed and armored except for her helmet, blocked the doorway. The plasma casters on either side of her rotated into position, pointing at Dan. The spring-green pegasus glared at him, teeth gritted and snarling.
"Vice Grip thinks he can trust you, trust ANY human to do something he wants, well, I don't," Springer declared. Her plasma barrels began spinning, glowing green and preparing to fire.
"Hey, I'm just here for my friends, minty. I don't have time for this so if you really want a rematch that much-"
"I will NOT see Equestria's future tainted by some bumbling ape's shenanigans!" Springer yelled. "If Vice needs you to do this so badly, he can get what he needs from your unconscious-"
"I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!" Dan chucked the bag of bombs as hard as he could at her. It hit her square in the chest, knocking her to the back of the elevator.
"Wa- UGH!"
*BABOOOOOOMSSSH!*
The bag exploded, destroying the elevator shaft. The elevator's remains plummeted down the shaft all the way to the bottom. Dan heard it crash on the basement floor, followed by another explosion shortly afterward. He peered down the elevator shaft.
"I don't have time for this, you friggin' moron!" he shouted down the shaft. "Like I need this xenophobic garbage right now! Pick on someone your own level! Effing fangirls." Whether she heard him or not, remained to be seen. Not that Dan cared- ponies as annoying as Springer had a way of bouncing back. Again, not that he cared.
With one elevator ruined, he walked around to the next elevator and pressed the call button. The doors dinged and opened immediately, unoccupied this time. He stepped inside.
"All right, which button looks like it says detention level…"
"One hand below, one hand above."
"HOLY SCHNIKEYS!!" Dan practically jumped. He spun around to see Bon-bon right next to him.
"One hand awaits for you below… one hand awaits for you above," the mare said again.
"How the hex did you get in here?" he asked, looking around. "Aren't you Lyra's girlfriend?"
Bon-bon didn't answer. She stared at Dan, almost through him. The elevator doors opened at she stepped outside.
"There can be no going back. Only one route is open to you now but at this crossroads, you may see where the other leads," she said, her voice stoic.
"The heck are you talking about?" Dan asked. "How did you get in the elevator? Can you teleport?"
She didn't answer him. "He waits for you at the top, the Summit of a New Destiny. You must reach the peak now but you will travel the depths eventually. Both of them, the ends and the beginnings of a new world."
Dan shook his head. "So… up? Top floor?"
"Yes."
"Gotcha," Dan said, turning away. He pressed the button for the top floor, hoping to avoid more riddle-speak. Honestly, he could tolerate the philosophical jargon but only when he could make sense of it now. Spewing nonsense for him to understand later was pointless. It was like being handed a lock without a key. Others might try to pick it now but Dan would rather either force it or just find the key and deal with it later.
"Hi Dan!"
"JEEZUS!" Dan jumped again. He turned around to see Lyra standing opposite to where Bon-bon had been behind him. "HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?!"
Lyra tapped her horn. "I have a horn, silly! But hey, just wanted to let ya know that Mr. Wright and the others have moved your chariot already so you should be able to take it home with you!"
"Oh… thanks," Dan said.
"Yup!" she gave the human a hug. "The trial was so awesome. Me and Bon-bon got to be on the jury!"
"Nice," Dan said. "So… why are you here?"
"Oh, uh, Nightshade asked us to help out after we got him and Flash Sentry out of jail. So us and a bunch of the crystal ponies are going to link up with Lightning Claw so we can make sure none of those bad FIST-y ponies or Enclavers get away! Neat, huh?"
"Yeah, that is pretty neat," Dan had to admit. "But why are you here now? In this elevator? You could've just called me."
"Oh, hehehe," she giggled. "I'm here to save your game."
"Ah. Figures."
"The previous save file already has data on it. Are you sure you'd like to erase?"
Dan facepalmed. "Just… please, go now. Secure perimeter."
The elevator doors opened and the teal mare stepped out. "Good luck, Dan! We're rooting for you and all of humanity! Make us proud! You've got fans in us!"
"Right," Dan said, waving. The doors closed again and the elevator traveled upward. He checked behind him one more time to make sure there wasn't anypony else still in the elevator with him and then let out a sigh of relief.
On the ground floor, the two mares watched the elevator ascend.
"What will he do when he finds her?" Bon-bon asked.
"He'll do what he does," Lyra replied, smiling.
Bon-bon did not smile back. "When he finds her, do you think he'll know?"
Lyra nodded. "He'll know," she assured her friend. She grabbed her hooves and held them tight. "We'll all know." They watched the elevator ascend into darkness.
It didn't take long before Dan realized something had replaced Lyra and Bon-bon in the elevator with him: elevator music. He would've preferred silence as he planned on all sorts of violent things he'd do to Vice. It wasn't easy picturing yourself ripping out someone's spinal column and strangling them with it to the tune of of smooth tropical cruise jazz. One of the smoothest forms of jazz ever invented, tropical smooth jazz was used by the Crystal Empire to relax wayward rogue dragons or the infrequent Ursa Minor or Major. Maintaining aggression through the calming tones was nearly impossible but this is Dan we're talking about so somehow, the incredibly soothing music was unable to cool his blood, which stayed at a nice simmering level.
The elevator ride went on for several minutes. Dan couldn't see out or tell how far up he was traveling but he had to guess he was nearing the top. Finally, the elevator dinged and the doors opened.
Stepping out of the elevator, Dan arrived at a new level… of strange. He looked around, quickly recognizing everything on the top floor from somewhere else he'd been. Escalators, high curved ceiling, windows that looked like a mall, the tiled floor and row after row of chairs and benches surrounded by line separators. It was the Toronto International Airport, the same airport he'd departed from when he arrived in Equestria.
Behind him, the elevator sunk into the floor. The entire airport was a dull gray like the rest of the Crystal Empire had been. He looked around as he walked forward, guessing wherever he was supposed to go was in front of him. Outside the windows, the skies were gray and clouded. The sound of planes landing and taking off, the bustle of vehicles outside was present but there were no people. The terminal building was empty but it sounded like it was still in operation.
"Trans-Tolerable Flight Eighteen-Thirteen to San Gmod now boarding at gate forty-two-gee-four. All passengers, please make sure all personal belongings are stored accordingly."
Dan had heard that same intercom announcement the day he boarded the plane. This entire floor was a recreation of the day he was transported to Equestria. How this was happening or the point of it, he didn't know. Maybe it was Vice's way of taunting him, making him revisit the past. Either way, he knew where to go now.
"Captain Oveur, Captain Clarence Oveur to the white courtesy phone, please."
It was a long walk through the terminal building to his departure gate. But there was no one else there. The air was cold and still and he walked at a brisk pace through the empty building. Without anyone or anything to get in his way, he reached the gate easier than the last time he'd been there.
There was no one at the departure gate either but it was open for him. He entered it and walked down the familiar connecting hall into his plane. As he stepped on board, the door sealed behind him. Suddenly, almost instantly, the plane was in the air. His ears popped with the change in elevation.
The plane was empty as well. The cockpit, the cabins, there was luggage and everything else that had been there but no passengers, stewards or even pilots. Outside the windows, Dan only saw open sky rolling by. He walked back to his seat in the "economy-class" cabin just as he had before. Again, it was just as empty.
He sat down in his original chair. He looked over to where Chris and Elise were, the last time he'd seen them. Their chairs were vacant as if they were coming back in a few moments. Everything was eerily familiar but out of place. Dan didn't know what else to do so he waited.
The projector screen for in-flight movies was rolled down, nailed to the wall. That was something new he noticed. As he continued looking around, the projector turned on and began playing a black-and-white film. Vice Grip appeared on the screen.
"Second chances," the movie Vice Grip said, "You never gave anyone else one yet you were given the biggest one of all: the chance to start again. Humans don't wind up in Equestria for no reason. Do you really think you deserved a second chance, Dan? The chance to start over in a new world?"
Dan thought about it. "I… don't know. Maybe… maybe not," he looked over to the empty seats next to him. "There's more deserving people, I guess."
The image of Vice grinned. "But you didn't always believe that, did you? Certainly not the last time you were here."
"No," Dan admitted. "I didn't."
"You were given redemption when you didn't deserve it. You were given a second chance when you didn't deserve it. You received all this when you wouldn't have given it in the first place. And do you know why?"
Dan folded his arms. "Why don't you tell me?"
"Because redemption and retribution are the same thing. They both have a price. And it's time for you to pay up." The image of Vice faded, the film tearing up and disintegrating. The projector screen rolled up to the ceiling. Behind it, the words DO NOT REMAIN SEATED were imprinted on the wall.
The lights in the cabin all turned red. The plane felt like it came to a sudden stop. Emergency lights appeared on the floor, flashing arrows pointing towards the emergency exit. Dan got up and followed them. They pointed him to the same emergency door he'd used earlier, again mislabeled as the restroom. The arrows appeared on the wall, prompting him to open it once again. Dan took a deep breath, grabbed the handle and opened the door.
Outside was the open sky but it wasn't whistling by him. He wasn't as high up as he thought he was either. Peering outside and down, he realized he was still in the Crystal Empire, still in the Crystal Palace. He stepped his foot out and touched something solid with his toe, an invisible floor of some kind. He tested his weight on it before stepping out.
The door slammed shut behind him. He was at the peak of the Crystal Palace now, the top of the massive tower. Far below, the clouds had cleared and color had returned to most of the city. Equestria stretched out in all directions, just as it had before. The rolling green hills leading up to the purple snow-capped mountains, the dark green of the Everfree Forest and the reddish landscapes, enormous mesas dotting the distance in the north-east. And at the edge of the Empire, Magic Gears, Flutterbirds and other craft on a massive gray tarmac that looked like a giant parking lot outside an amusement park.
Dan didn't know where to go. The floor seemed to be holding up even if he couldn't see it. He stayed close to the Crystal Palace, walking around the very top of it to the other side. In the distance facing south, he saw Vice Grip, metallic hands clasped and back turned to him. Far away, staring back at them was Ponyville, Cloudsdale and Canterlot just on the horizon. He approached Vice Grip.
"I think this is how they see it," Vice said, back still turned. "Sure, anypony could have the same view if they got up high enough. Especially the pegasi but they're usually focused on the clouds- they don't really grasp the scope of things very often. They don't see it the way they do. I guess it's difficult to see the beauty of things when you're born with them. Not the princesses, though. I think they see the world this way."
Dan said nothing. He gritted his teeth, fists balled, rage boiling over. It was time.
"They're so high up all the time though, I don't think they see anypony else. The higher you go, the more things get blurred. I guess there's some poetry in that. It doesn't excuse their actions, the way they let things become. But it makes it harder for me to hate them. Not that you and I have ever been unable to hate anything… it's just harder."
The wind whipped Vice's mane and lab coat. His tail gently brushed the sides of his metal boots. He continued looking out on Equestria, his homeland. "This is how you make difficult decisions, Dan. You put yourself high up above everything else until all you see is the bigger picture… and then, no matter what happens, everything looks just a little bit brighter when you're watching it from far away. Like dropping a bomb and just waiting to see the impact."
"RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Dan had been charging towards Vice the entire time he'd been talking. He finally lunged at the villain while his back was turned, hoping to tackle him to the ground. Somehow though, he flew through Vice Grip; the fiend had disappeared just as he leapt at him and Dan went crashing to the invisible floor.
"URGH!" he hit the floor, sliding a bit across the surface like it was glass. He tried to get up when something metal pressed on the back of his neck. It was Vice's boot.
"You honestly think I haven't anticipated your every action?!" Vice asked, voice furious. "It's almost INSULTING to think I haven't predicted your every move, calculated every last detail." He reached into Dan's pocket and took his cell phone.
"Bite me, douchebag!"
"Douchebag?" Vice reached down and grabbed Dan's neck, crushing his windpipe. Dan grabbed at the metal hand as Vice hoisted him into the air off his feet. "Douchebag? I'm trying to SAVE Equestria, to give MY ENTIRE RACE the second chance that YOU received. And you think I'M the douchebag?!"
"E-ee-eeyup."
"Insolent prick!" Vice tossed Dan back towards the tower. The human rolled across the surface of the transparent floor and slid to a halt. "I'm doing this for the FUTURE! The future that I, that all of Equestria was robbed of!"
"You're a high-tech con artist," Dan said, getting up and rubbing his throat. "You offer everypony all this futuristic garbage… and you don't tell them it only costs them their freedom. You want everypony to sacrifice everything they have so you can build an empire of crappy gizmos. You're just another bad salesman, a swindler, a scam artist… and nopony's buying it."
Vice scowled at him. "At least I offered first. I wasn't like Tia and Lulu and their precious little royal family. I ASKED first, I didn't just usurp power and keep everypony in the dark!"
"Everypony loves the princesses," Dan said, getting to his feet. "They see through your act. Nopony's gonna choose you over them."
"Oh, they will," Vice said. He reached into his pocket and retrieved Dan's phone and a remote control. "Because I'm not going to give them any other option. This time, I'm not asking. And you're going to help me."
"I don't think so, Dr. No-pony."
Vice smiled. "Again, this time, I'm not asking." He took a half-step around and pointed the remote at the horizon, at Ponyville. He pressed a button and slowly, the whole Crystal Empire turned red. Magic Gears, the Mentor Gears and Sword Spells lining every avenue and street glowed red, lighting up the ground like lava underneath them. The Crystal Palace reflected it, turning a reddish hue.
"I have enough Swords to turn every city on Earth into a nice, big pile of ash. And on those ashes, I shall build a new Equestria, a world where the might of the mind rules the day, not magic," Vice said. He stepped closer to Dan. "A world where ponies are not bound by the arcanists and their archaic ways, where everypony is free to seek out their own destiny, aspire to greater heights. Under my supervision, of course."
"You mean your oppression," Dan corrected.
Vice chuckled. "As if they're not oppressed now. Ponies like Lightning Claw are just going to keep cropping up. And Tia and Lulu are just going to keep sweeping them under the rug for a thousand years, like always. Who's going to advocate for them? You?"
"That's right, me!" Dan shouted. "And we got a lawyer, too! And when somepony gets upset, they can come to us! They can come to me, to Twilight, to all of us and we'll work things out together! All you're doing is blaming EVERYPONY ELSE for a bunch of crap that happened to YOU. You'll never be as good a leader as the princesses… you don't understand magic, you don't understand technology, you don't understand ponies or people or anything else for that matter! You're worse than the corrupt politicians from Earth!"
"Hahaha," Vice smiled, shaking his head. "Well, you're right about one thing- I don't know how to make magic work. Try as I might, the Sword Spells still require a magical connection to be summoned to Earth."
"And I'm guessing I'M the connection, right?"
"Well, of course. Who else but you could condemn all of humanity? Who else but the most judgmental, vengeful and vindictive person ever to walk the face of Earth and Equestria? In your last moments on Earth, your last actions were to send a message telling your best friend to exact revenge on all life on every living person on the face of the planet. But the message didn't quite go through, did it?" Vice reached out to Dan, holding out his cell phone.
Dan looked at it, unsure of whether to back away or reach out for it.
"Two years ago, you condemned all of humanity as your last act on Earth. Now, with the power of Equestria, we can make that wish come true."
Dan reached out and grabbed the phone. He looked at the text message, the last thing he'd try to send Chris. It was a long list of everything that had ever wronged him, every person, place and thing imaginable. It was a very long list and in fact incorporated most if not all of humanity in one form or another. Even the memory of some of them made his blood burn again. He held in his hand everything he hated, everything that made him frustrated and everything that had ever made him angry. Everything he ever judged.
He looked up at Vice. "I send this message… and it launches the Sword Spells at Earth?"
Vice nodded, smiling. "Every Sword will be warped to an individual position on that list. More than enough will overlap. The people you hate, the things you despise will have a moment to realize they're about to be wiped out before… boom. And then that text will be all that will ever be left of them."
He stared right at Vice Grip. "What's to stop me from not hitting send?"
Vice smiled again. "I'm happy you asked that." He clicked a button on the remote. From the side of the Crystal Palace, three spheres appeared out of a hatch. Dan spun around, looking up to see his three friends hanging in cages on a wire.
"DAN!!"
"DAN!!!"
"THPPPBBB!!!"
"TWILIGHT!! CHRYS, FLUFFLE!!" Dan yelled. He spun around again and through a punch at Vice Grip. A metal hand blocked him before it struck his face.
"Your friends for the future, Dan," Vice said. "That seems like a fair trade, doesn't it? You haven't even seen Earth in two years-"
"LET. THEM. GO," Dan pushed against Vice with both hands. The stallion blocked both attempts. Like a brick wall, he was unyielding. Dan still pushed, pouring all of his strength, bracing and shoving. Vice's steel boots slid back a fraction of an inch.
"The unstoppable force has stopped," Vice remarked, grinning. "Come now, you know everything has a limit, even your rage," he leaned in closer, still holding Dan's fists at bay. "But you don't have to rail against me. I'll release your friends, let you all go home and live happily and in peace. Let me have the world you left behind. Give me the future I want… and I will give you yours."
"LET… LET THEM GO!!" Dan kept pushing. "LET THEM GO!!! GIVE THEM BACK!!!" He pushed with both legs, scraping them against the floor to no avail. Tears streamed down his face. "Just let them go… please, let them go…"
Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle looked on in silence at their friend fighting for them. It was heartbreaking watching him smash himself against a brick wall. They wanted him to stop for them, saw how much it was hurting him but would he even stop if they begged him? They could say nothing. Not Twilight, not Chrys, not Fluffle, not a word.
Dan collapsed to his knees in front of Vice. The stallion knelt down to him.
"You knew this would happen eventually, Dan," Vice said. "No one's resolve lasts forever. Not yours and certainly not humanity's. But you have earned more than they have," Vice handed him his cell phone. "Your resolve is greater. You, only you out of all the humans could hold onto anger, to fill your soul with fury so long that it could burn everything they built. And out of those ashes, a new legacy will rise. You condemned them all once before, Dan. Now… let this be the last time."
"Don't do it, Dan!" Twilight yelled.
"No, Dan, don't!" Chrys yelled.
"Thpp! Thpp-THBBB-THBBB!" Fluffle added.
Vice closed Dan's hands around the phone. "Give Earth the second chance you were given. Wipe the slate clean. Press the button… and let us start again."
Dan looked at his phone. A tear fell from his cheek to hit the surface like a drop of rain. He looked over to his friends.
"You want to save them, don't you?" Vice asked.
Dan gave a solemn, weak nod.
"Then save them. Be with them, be happy. I give you my word," Vice held a metal hand over his heart, "send the message and I will send you home."
"Dan, don't!!" Twilight shouted.
"I have to do… what I have to do." Dan looked down at the phone again. "What I always do."
"Dan, no!!!"
He went to the text to Chris and began typing a message:
Dear Chris,
If you get this message, I wanted to let you know that I'm okay. I don't know if or when I'll get to see you again but I wanted you to know I'm safe. I'm sorry for all the stuff I dragged you into but I'm thankful you went through it for me, you and Elise. All those people, all those places, everything I tried to get revenge upon, I didn't really hate any of them. I just knew that they were better and I guess in my own way I was trying to help them be more than they were, as crazy as that sounds. Maybe I didn't always do that in the best way but I tried. You and Elise were always good to me and I love you both for it. Thanks for being there for me and maybe, we'll see each other again some day. Until then, let everyone know that I'm sorry if I hurt any of them… and to the ones that wronged me, I forgive them. And please take care of Mr. Mumbles and my car. I know you will.
Your friend, Dan
*Send*
Message Sent.
The moment Dan hit "send", the Sword Spells launched. The Crystal Palace shook, the air smelled of burnt ozone and the missiles rose like a fiery eruption.
"Hahahahaha!!" Vice laughed, delighted. "You actually did it!" he pulled Dan to his feet and grabbed him by the shoulder.
Dan didn't look up. His friends watched in horror as the red lights, an ocean of them rose to fill the sky.
"Yes! Oh, YES!" Vice exclaimed, excited. "Finally, everything we wanted will finally be ours! My father's dream… the future is finally ours," he said, smiling. He turned to Dan. "Now, as far as your friends go, I'm afraid I'll be needing to keep them a bit longer. You see-"
One of the Sword Spells exploding behind him.
Dan looked up.
Vice turned around. "What?"
One by one, the Sword Spells exploded. But instead of into a mushroom cloud or a massive city-annihilating apocalyptic explosion, they burst into fireworks. The Crystal Palace, the Crystal Empire, all of Equestria was bathed in harmless, multi-colored lights.
"Oooh, that one was nice," Chrys remarked from her bubble prison. Fluffle clapped.
"I don't understand," Vice said.
"Ha… hahaha!" Dan laughed at the fireworks display. "It's InDanpendence Day in Equestria!" Down and around the Crystal Empire, the Magic Gears cheered at the fireworks. Several of the large machines applauded, others danced. The Mentor Gears weren't able to keep disciplined and quickly were overwhelmed by the celebrating forty-foot tall robot fillies.
Vice immediately turned back to him. "You. What did you do?!" He stomped over to Dan, who was still laughing. He knocked the human down and grabbed the phone out of his hand. "WHAT DID YOU DO?!!"
"Hahaha," Dan laughed, getting up. "Looks like your little plan didn't work out. I guess all your nukes were duds. Or bottle rockets," he said, chuckling.
Vice flipped through Dan's phone, trying to understand. "You… you changed the message."
"You didn't say I couldn't."
"You CHANGED the MESSAGE!!!" Vice roared. "You FORGAVE THEM. After ALL THIS TIME you FORGAVE THEM."
"YES. I DID."
"YOU GOTDAMN EFFING MORON!" Vice broke the phone in his grip and threw the remains on the ground.
"HEY!" Dan shouted, jumping to his feet. "That was MY PHONE!"
"How… HOW DID YOU DO THIS?!" Vice demanded. He stomped over to where Twilight hung with the others. "HOW DID HE DO THIS?!!"
Twilight shrugged. "Beats me. Maybe you should write a letter to another princess."
"Grrrrrrrrrrrr," Vice growled, feeling his blood boil.
Dan turned to face him. "Look, I don't know how magic works. Maybe I was a vengeful guy before I came here. But I've changed. I've learned the value of forgiveness and what it means to really forgive someone. And I've come to forgive the rest of humanity for all the crap on Earth, too. But I'm still vengeful. I'm REALLY vengeful. And on that note," he picked up his phone's data card and pocketed it. He then cracked his knuckles. "You owe me a new cell phone. You can get to paying me for that after you release my friends."
Vice smiled. "Ah yes, your friends. Well, why don't we just address that now?" he turned around to Twilight and the others. Using his remote, he detached their spherical prisons from the side and they hovered in midair. Vice's jet boots activated and he rose up to join them. "Seeing as how I need to make over a thousand NEW Sword Spells, I'll be needing a lot more magic to do that. Thankfully, your friends here have volunteered."
"NO!" Dan roared.
"Dan!!" Chrys yelled. She scraped against the bubble shield with her horn, with her hooves. Twilight did the same while Fluffle bit at the walls with her teeth.
Vice grinned. "Don't worry- you can have them back when I'm done with them. I'll have figured out a way to get them to Earth by then, too but I'll be sure to save one Sword Spell back for yo- what?" As Vice was talking, the remote levitated out of his hand. He turned to Twilight, Chrys and Fluff who were still helpless.
"I don't think you should volunteer for this guy," Lightning Claw said. A Flutterbird rose up from the clouds next to Twilight and the others, Lightning Claw standing on its nose. "His benefits really suck."
"Lightning," Vice said, somewhere between question and statement. "Why?"
Lightning stared back at him. "You said you were going to give me Cloudsdale."
"And I will, just-"
"Just broken, burnt, radioactive and on another planet?" Lightning finished his sentence.
Vice flew over to him in his boots. Before he could reach his former partner and enforcer, a large indigo-electric shield separated the two. It encircled a good portion of the area, blocking Vice's escape.
"This is mutiny, you know," Vice said, glaring at him.
Lightning glared right back. "No. This is my two week's notice."
"But that still means you'll be working for me for two weeks! That's what a two week's notice means!"
"No, no- I mean, this is my notice that I've been betraying you for the past two weeks."
Vice facepalmed.
"You're out of tricks, you're out of gadgets and you're out of friends," Dan said. "Now, it's just you and me."
Vice Grip turned around to him slowly. Surprisingly to Dan, he was smiling. "Ha! HahahahahahahahaHA!"
The laugh was disturbing enough to make Dan cringe but he held his ground. "I don't guess this means you just want to give up?"
"Hahaha, no," Vice said, chuckling. "I may be out of all my tactics, tools and allies. But I still have plenty of tricks." He rose into the air, the jets on his boots kicking on. The air inside the bubble began to get hot very quickly; Dan could feel the heat even from meters away. "Like you said, it's just you and me." The scientist dove towards Dan in a rocket-powered punch, an augmented steel fist barreling towards him like a missile.
Vice Grip powered right towards Dan, flying at him like a wrecking ball. Dan didn't move.
Instead of trying to evade, Dan caught Vice Grip's blow. If he'd dodged, he would've left himself open for a pincer grab when Vice missed. The stallion was actually crippling himself by wearing the gloves; they acted as tells, telegraphing Vice's attacks and letting Dan see where he was going to hit next.
Dan grabbed Vice Grip's gauntlet by the sides, pulling with it. Rather than absorbing the force of the blow, Dan changed its direction, throwing Vice over his shoulder.
The scientist stallion's eyes went wide as the world flipped around him. The force of his jet boots combined with Dan's judo-esque maneuver turned the villain quite literally upside down. The flares from his jets scorched the top of Lightning's shield as he was flipped until Vice Grip's back slammed onto the floor with a crack.
"Ogh!"
Dan tried to jump on top of Vice while he was down, eager to press the advantage. Too eager; Vice blocked with his back-right leg, kicking Dan's chest and pushing him off. The human tumbled, giving Vice time to get to his feet.
They both got back to a standing position at the same time. The two combatants raised their fists, preparing to go toe-to-toe. They began circling the arena, facing each other in one of those standoff shots.
"I've trained extensively in hand-to-hoof combat," Vice said. "Even against humans."
"I don't doubt that," Dan said back.
"Oh?"
"I don't doubt you've trained against humans- but I doubt you've won any fight that wasn't on your own terms."
"I'll make this one the first," Vice's eyes narrowed. Guarding his muzzle, he advanced on Dan. His metal gauntlets offered a better defense than Dan's human hands; being made of steel, they could endure far more punishment from jabs. He lunged at Dan with his right fist.
But Dan was faster. The human dodged quickly and delivered a straight punch over Vice's left guard and into his muzzle. Overcome with rage, Vice continued jabbing at Dan with his right while trying to block with his left. Dan ducked, dodged each blow and backpedaled away.
"Maybe you'd fight better on all fours," Dan taunted.
Vice tasted the smallest amount of blood in his mouth. He spat. "When I'm done with your race, I'll be the only upright creature to walk the face of your planet!"
"Shoes like those, I'm surprised you can walk upright now," Dan said.
"I'll break you in half, biped!!" Vice lunged at Dan again. Vice's gloves might've given him immense power and defense but they made him just a little bit slower on the response. Dan grabbed him by the right arm and pulled him close. Before Vice could pull away, Dan punched him the face. Over and over again.
"YOU. DON'T. EFFING. MESS. WITH. MY. FRIENDS," Dan said, delivering a blow each time to the stallion's face. "YOU LITTLE. PIECE. OF SH!T."
The wrist on Vice's right gauntlet rotated, reversing his entire hand. It grabbed Dan's left arm and squeezed down hard.
"GAAAAH!!"
Vice smacked his left fist into Dan's jaw. The force of the blow spun the man's head around and made him spit blood. He punched at Vice's right foreleg, trying to force him to release his left arm. It caused Vice to pull forward, buckling the joint in his foreleg. His left hand still free, Vice swung at Dan's head again, messing several times. Dan elbowed into Vice's stomach several times while the stallion still swatted, managing only to brush the back of his head.
Dan turned Vice Grip and used his back to throw him off. The two broke off the grapple again, panting.
Dan's face was now bloodied. Even a single blow was enough to break Dan's nose and probably a couple of teeth. But Vice's muzzle was just as bloodied, drips of crimson trailing down from his bruised nose.
Both of them feinted, guarding themselves more now.
"You think your friends care about you?" Vice asked. "They're just using you. That's why they summoned you. You know what happens if you fall here? One of them will just summon another human. That's all your race is to them- pawns they can sacrifice at any time."
"Knight," Dan corrected. "And my friends didn't summon me."
Vice lowered his guard for a moment in utter disbelief. "What?"
"I thought you knew," Dan said, edging closer. "I just dropped in an announced. But they're pretty happy I'm here!" He jumped at Vice.
Vice's eyes were wide. He made no attempt to raise his guard. "She lied to me."
Dan collided with Vice. He tackled the scientist to the ground. In that moment, Vice's distraction ended and he tried to defend himself- too little, too late. Dan was on top of him, landing blow after blow on his face.
"You're a liar! You hear me?! You don't care about any pony's future but your own!" he grabbed Vice Grip by the ears. "You want Earth so bad?! Go there! GET HOME!" He head-butted Vice, then grabbed him and slammed his head against the floor. "GO HOME! GO HOME! GO HOME!"
"THIS IS MY HOME!!!!!" Vice roared. He grabbed Dan's face and activated his jets again. In desperation, the two were flung towards the side of the shield. They hit the shield, electrifying both of them as Lightning's electric magic surged through their bodies. They both screamed, yelled in agony. The shield blistered and sparked, pushed by the force of Vice's boots and the combatants smashed against it. Vice Grip's jet boots shorted out, dropping both of them to the floor, smoldering.
Vice rose first, struggling to stand as smoke rose from his boots. He limped over to Dan's singed form, lying prone and picked him up by the neck.
"THIS IS MY HOME!!" he yelled again. He spun Dan over and slammed him onto the floor. "This is my FUTURE! My DESTINY!!" he smashed Dan against the floor repeatedly. "I don't have anything else! They took it from me! MY FAMILY, MY FUTURE, MY FATHER!!" With each declaration, he slammed the back of Dan's head into the floor. The platform began to crack, splintering like glass. Dan's grip on Vice's gauntlet at his throat finally went slack. The scientist slammed him down one final time. The human's arms flung backward and his form went prone and motionless.
"You… you can't possibly… possibly understand," Vice said. He turned to Dan's friends and Lightning on the Flutterbird, still watching. "None of… none of you have experienced loss like I have. I… I tried to spare you, all of you from it and still get back what was taken from me," he said, speaking to all of them. He wiped his muzzle on his lab coat, staining the white fabric with blood. "You know that? I tried to PREVENT this from happening! I could've blown Canterlot, Ponyville, all of Equestria to bits and beyond at any given time! I didn't! Because I was trying to SAVE you!"
Dan's form twitched behind him. He jerked, eyes still closed, blood and broken shards of the platform around him.
Vice Grip turned back to him. "But I see now. The only way to make you understand is to make you feel that same loss. To show you what following them leads to," he walked over to Dan slowly, limping awkwardly. He lifted up his boot, shaking a bit as he did so and raised it over Dan's head. "If this is what has to be done, so be it."
"RaaaRARRGH!"
Dan's eyes shot open at the last second and he grabbed Vice's other boot. He sunk his teeth deep into Vice's leg just above the metal.
"Gah-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH!!"
Vice grabbed his knee as Dan twisted and bit hard, drawing blood. The stallion buckled forward and reached for Dan's head, managing only to grab his hair. He pulled, trying to pry him off but Dan only shifted his bite and punched his joint. Vice was stabilized thanks to the metal boot but couldn't yank Dan off him with his gloves alone. He kicked at Dan's legs with his free boot while pulling Dan's hair, combining both actions to pull him off.
Dan pushed off Vice and the villain fell backwards. The two struggled to stand again, both of them battered, bruised and bloodied. They got to their feet, caught their breath for a moment and then lunged at each other again, this time, both Dan and Vice went for each others' throats. They grabbed each other, both clutching the other by the neck.
"Why… won't you... break?!" Vice asked.
"Why… won't you... give up?!" Dan asked.
"You… can't… stop me!"
"You… can't… win!"
They grappled with each other, pulling and twisting while clutching each others' necks. Their heads butted, they smashed into each other over and over again.
"It's… useless!" Vice said, straining. "Why… why do you keep… fighting?! We both want… revenge!"
"I'm not… fighting… for revenge," Dan said back, straining. "I'm fighting for… MY FRIENDS!!"
"AAA-AAAGH!"
Dan pushed Vice down with all of his strength. Vice stepped back, his knees buckling. The servos in his boots popped and grinded, unable to stand up to the force pressing down on them.
Dan stepped on Vice's tail between his legs.
"GAAAAAHHUGH!"
"THEY'RE MY FRIENDS!" Dan pulled back his fist and punched Vice's muzzle. Stepping on Vice's tail, he grabbed him by the throat with his left hand and repeatedly slammed his fist into the villain's face with his right. Over and over, blow after blow landed until Vice's forelegs went slack. He released him.
Vice staggered backward, unbalanced.
Dan pulled back and hit Vice one more time in the face. The stallion flew backward and landed in the center of the platform. The surface cracked again but didn't break.
"You could've saved… a lot of time," Dan said, limping towards Vice Grip's form, "if you had just… let me kick your ass in the first place."
"Dan…"
"Wow," Lightning said. "Just… wow."
Dan walked over to where Vice had dropped his remote. He stumbled twice as he walked but didn't fall, bending over to pick up the remote. "All right… now which button turns off the force field things?" he asked. He flipped the remote upside down, trying to look at all the buttons. "WELL DON'T COME DOWN HERE AND HELP ME!"
"Oh, uh, right," Lighting deactivated his shield spell and flew down to the platform.
"I JUST K.O'D THE FREAKING BAD GUY, YOU'D THINK I COULD GET SOME TECH SUPPORT!"
"I'm coming!" Lightning said. "I got it! I got it!"
Dan handed him the remote, then walked over to his captive friends. "Twilight…"
"Dan," Twilight said, amazed. "That was incredible. You actually beat him!"
"Thppp-Thpppp!!!" Fluffle cheered. Okay, THAT was better than pie.
"You kicked his techno-loving plot, Dan!" Chrys added. "It was so cool the way you grabbed him by the arm and-"
"Great job, Dan!" Phoenix yelled from inside the Flutterbird. "And there's no possible way he can sue us!"
"That was awesome, Dan!" Spike added.
"He didn't stand a chance against you!" Firedancer said, waving.
"Guys," Dan stopped them mid-praise, "I appreciate it, I really do but Twilight?"
"Yes, Dan?"
"Summon another human here with my blood type. Honestly, we're uh… we're kinda high up here and I think I lost some blood when I fought Vice," he pointed at Vice Grip's unconscious form with his thumb. "I think you should teleport us to a… a hospital. You know, when you get free."
Twilight nodded. "Oh, uh, of course. We'll get you help right away."
"Are you okay, Dan?" Chrys asked, concerned.
"Yeah," Dan said, catching his breath. "Kinda dizzy but... I'm all right. You guys okay?"
"We're okay," Chrys said timidly. "It's just amazing that you actually beat Vice Grip."
"I know," Dan said. He looked over his shoulder to make sure Vice was still lying down. Lightning was still fiddling with the remote. "I'm gonna need somepony else to carry him though. And a Mountain Daring Dew, cold."
"Um, Dan?" Lightning tapped his shoulder.
"Yeah?"
He looked up at Dan, then back down to the remote frantically. He mouthed words, unsure of how to tell him. "I-uh, I-"
"What is it?"
"What's wrong?" Twilight asked.
"I, um…" Lightning swallowed. He whispered to Dan: "I don't know how to use the remote."
"I… I don't know…" Lightning said, fearful that Dan might redirect his rage at him. Watching anypony tear apart Vice Grip would've been hard for Lightning to watch but Dan? It truly scared him. Despite the fact Lightning himself triumphed over Discord and his own fight with Dan had ended in a draw(more or less), the human's anger was clearly a force to be reckoned with. He held out the remote with one hoof and leaned away from it, hopeful that Dan wouldn't take it and bash him with it.
But Dan wasn't like that. Whether his bark or his bite was worse was one thing but he only resorted to physical violence when it was necessary. It was true that actions spoke louder than words in most cases, just not Dan's. His words were louder than actions.
Dan grabbed the remote out of Lightning's hoof. His vision, though blurred was beginning to clear. "Okay… uh… ugh." He wasn't seeing three remotes any more but there were still too many buttons to figure out what any of them did.
"What's wrong, you guys?" Chrys asked, still helpless.
"We're working on getting the three of you out! Just hang on!" Dan looked at the remote again. The controls looked indecipherable; part radio-controlled car and part nuclear missile detonator. There even seemed to be a coin slot attached for no apparent reason. Was it something that the device had been made out of or did it actually function? "Ummm…"
Lightning motioned at the remote. "Maybe we should-"
"No."
Lightning frowned. "You didn't even know what I was going to say!"
"Yes, I did. And we're not doing it."
"But-"
"No."
"What are you guys talking about?" Twilight asked.
"Not to put a rush on this, but my wings are getting really cramped," Chrys added.
"Dan," Lightning poked him, "maybe we should-"
"No…" Dan whined. "I JUST KNOCKED HIM OUT! I am NOT going to wake him up just so we can ask him how to work a cheap RC controller!"
Shortly after saying that, Dan found himself on top of Vice Grip trying to wake him up so he could ask him how to work a cheap RC controller.
"Wake up, doc. Hello? Come on, science guy, wake up," Dan said, shaking and hesitantly touching Vice's face. He held the stallion up by his lab coat collar, smacking him to try to get him to wake up.
The scientist's eyes slowly opened, swimming in and out of unconsciousness for a moment. Hazily, he focused on Dan. "Da…"
"Yeah, hi. Listen, we need you to-"
"Dad?"
Dan dropped Vice, who landed on the back of his head and was returned to unconsciousness. Disgusted, Dan rose and tried to get his spine to stop shaking.
"What did he say?" Lightning asked.
"D-dad. Uh… I mean, I don't know. I don't WANT to know. He… thought he was, I mean, that I WAS or…" Dan jerked and flicked his arms, like trying to get something off of him. Something that wouldn't come off. "He called me DAD."
"What?" Phoenix's voice asked, amplified by the Flutterbird still hovering next to the sphere-prisons. It was kind of awkward having such a large attack craft just hovering so close to the encounter but Phoenix thought the moment was too important to interrupt.
"That's a new one," Lightning remarked.
"Okay… you try waking him up next," Dan said, still creeped out.
"Why me?" Lightning asked. "He was almost conscious when you dropped him."
"I'm not arguing with you," Dan said, walking over to pick up the pieces of his cell phone. "Do that electric-revivey thingy you did on Christmas."
Lightning looked confused. "What's a Christma-"
"Another word, and I stick your head up your own plot. Revive him, now," Dan ordered.
"Wut…"
Dan pinched his forehead. "Just, please. Revive him like you did before."
The electric pony shook his head. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I'm afraid he's... telling the truth," Vice said.
Dan turned to see the now-concious Vice Grip stand up on his own. Like Dan, the stallion was battered, bruised and clutched his knee. Still, he managed to stand somehow.
"Two things: one, you're under arrest, two, let my friends go or I'm throwing you off the side."
Vice nodded. "Of course, your friends. The correct motivation… always… leads to the correct result," he said through winces of pain. "I'll admit I made some miscalculations but it's clear I was on the right track."
Dan walked over to the pony, standing while the stallion was still bent over. He fully intended to make Vice pay if he didn't stop screwing around, whether he could or not.
"I'll give you all the motivation in the world. You're going to let my friends go right now or you'll be holding a lot more than your knee in a few seconds."
A sinister smile spread over Vice's muzzle. "At least I have something to hold onto."
"And that is?"
"REVENGE!" Vice punched the platform and it shattered. In an instant, the surface of the floor was shards and there was nothing to hold Vice, Lightning Claw or Dan up.
Dan felt the rush of free fall before his body plummeted.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ooogh!" Something caught him in midair. It was Lightning.
"Nice save," Dan said to the pony, holding him up by his shoulders.
"This makes us even," Lightning said. Using his magic, he held up the remote control in a levitation spell grip.
The shards of glass fell all the way to the base of the Crystal Palace. They disintegrated on impact, being made of nothing more than super-dense water vapor in the first place. Dan looked up to see the trails of Vice Grip's jet boots flying away. He was heading north-east, his trajectory taking him to someplace far north of Equestria from the look of it.
"See?! SEE?!!" Dan yelled. "That's why you don't wake up the bad guy after you knock him out. Unless he's restrained. And what didn't we do?"
"Dan…"
"You didn't restrain him. So, we're going to remember this so that next time, when I pay him another beating, we can get him to disarm all his gadgets without potentially losing him as a prisoner."
"Yeah," Lightning said sarcastically. "I'm sure we'll remember to do that next time."
"This is the second time I've had to listen to that guy gloat and then watch him fly away," Dan said, still hanging in midair. "Next time, he won't be flying away unless I send him flying!"
"Or, maybe we'll resolve things peacefully," Lightning suggested.
Dan found it hard to glare at the indigo stallion while he was holding him several kilometers off the ground but he still managed.
"Oh, come on. I can hope. The guy's nice… sort of. Like you," Lightning defended his claim. The human remained silent, continuing to glare at him and let the look of sheer disgruntled rage speak for him. Dan's expression was a mixture of 'grumpy neighbor' and 'let's go to war.' They simply did not make disdainful anger like his.
"Let's just figure out how to get the others free," Dan finally said. "I'll deal with him next time when I… deal with him. Next time. Do you still have the remote?"
Lightning levitated up the remote, held tight in his magical grasp. "You think I'd drop it?"
"No. Because if you did, I'd strangle you if you did. Now, get us over to the Flutterbird so we can figure it out."
"No problem at all, Dan. It's under control," Lightning said confidently. He hovered himself and Dan over to Phoenix's commandeered Flutterbird.
"Watch out for it's wings. Make sure you steer us clear of those."
"Relax, Dan, I got it." To Lightning's credit, he did have it. He was able to expertly navigate the updraft generated by the Flutterbird's wings and fly both himself and Dan over to the entry hatch while avoiding the dangerous air current. He got them both over to the hatch.
"All right, now open the door, carefully."
"I got it, Dan," he reassured the human again. Lightning's indigo-colored magic grasped the door handle and it opened. "See? No problem." He dropped off the human first and then hopped in himself.
"I have to admit, that was a good job for a knockoff alicorn," Dan said, standing in the Flutterbird. "Now, who's flying this thing?"
"That'd be me, Dan," Phoenix said, waving from the pilot's seat. "You're flying Air Wright today!"
"Ha," Dan chuckled. "At least we don't have to worry about having to get Twilight to summon the greatest pilot ever to Equestria."
"Who would be the greatest pilot ever?" Spike asked, sitting in one of the jump seats.
"Well, Wedge Antilles is the best pilot in Star Wars," Dan said, closing the hatch behind him. "So, if we were summoning the best pilot ever, we'd probably get him. Or one of those guys from Top Gun. Maybe one of the guys from Airwolf or Battlestar: Galactica," he began to list. "Possibly David Hasselhoff or- OOH! Maybe the A-Team!"
Phoenix turned around in his seat, eyebrow raised. "Are you just listing 80s pop culture again?"
Dan folded his arms. "Hey, we're talking about the greatest pilots of all time here."
"Yeah but we're talking about VEHICLE pilots, not t.v show pilots!"
Dan shrugged. "The summoning spell might give us either one, Nicky. I just want to be prepared."
Phoenix shook his head and returned to the controls.
"All right, now let's focus on getting our friends free. Lightning, you did a good job getting us in here. And… thanks for saving my life, I guess," Dan patted the pony reluctantly.
"You're welcome, Dan. I told you I had everything under control."
"Great, now give me the remote."
"Of course," Lightning turned around to retrieve the remote from outside. But it wasn't there. The alicorn's confident smile faded.
Dan immediately stuck his head out the door. He looked around frantically but of course, there was no sign of the remote. The device was plummeting to the surface of the Crystal Empire and a velocity that would ensure there wasn't a piece of it large enough to identify when it hit the ground.
"Ummm…" Lightning clipped his hooves together. "I must've forgotten to keep holding onto it when I reached for the door. But like I said- UHHHLLL- UGG"
"Like I SAID," Dan strangled Lightning. "NOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET THEM FREE?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!"
"RRRRRG-LLLLLLLGGEHH!"
Dan paused mid-strangle. "Well, technically you weren't thinking," he pondered aloud. "I guess it's more of a reflex action and I suppose it's happened to everypony now and then. Focus on one hoof, forget what the other's doing, I guess the same applies with magic."
"GLLLL-URRRRLLL-"
"But that's NO EXCUSE TO DROP THE ONLY WAY OF FREEING MY FRIENDS!" Dan shouted.
"What if something goes wrong?" Spike asked. "What if without the remote, we can't get Twilight and Chrys and Fluffle out? What if it activates the cells' self-destruct sequences?!"
Firedancer walked up behind the two. "Uh, hey Dan?"
"IF WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE PIECES TO THAT THING AND PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER OR heaven forbid FIND VICE GRIP AND GET HIM TO BUILD ANOTHER ONE THEN I AM GONNA-"
"Dan?"
"WHAT?!"
Firedancer cleared his throat. "Sorry, I don't want to bother you guys. I'll wait till you're done."
"No-nnn-no, please," Lightning said through Dan's grip, "please, bother us."
"What is it?" Dan asked.
"Oh," Firedancer turned around. "Well, I was just gonna say, Twilight and the others are free."
"Dan!"
Turning around, Dan was hugged by Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle Puff who had come in through the hatch way.
"Guys!" Dan released Lightning as he embraced his friends.
Lightning collapsed to the floor. "Great… to see you guys…"
"Dan, thank goodness you were here!" Twilight said emphatically.
"You saved us Dan! You all saved us! Dan, Spike, Phoenix, even Lightning!" Chry exclaimed and hugged them all tight. "The forcefields deactivated the moment that remote hit the ground!"
"Wow!" Dan exclaimed. "Hey, you hear that Lightning? All we had to do was break it to get it to turn off. So it looks like it was a good thing you dropped it. Good job!"
"Hoo-rayy… uhhll..."
"THBB!! THBBBB-THBBB-THBBBBBBBB!!!" Fluffle fluffed all three of them.
"I'm so sorry," Twilight said. "I underestimated Vice Grip. I should've never-"
"Hey, it's all right," Dan stopped her. "We know how dangerous he is now. He can't hide his intentions from us anymore and you can use your cool Princess authority to seize his company and all his crappy machines. And then I can break them. And him."
"We will," Twilight smiled, holding her friend's hands. "And we'll get help from Princess Celestia and Luna, too."
"Assuming they're both all right," Phoenix said from the cockpit. "And speaking of, we still need to rescue your brother and Princess Cadence."
"Right as always, Nicky. Get us on the ground, we've got an Empire to save!"
Phoenix, clad in a new pair of sunglasses and blue streaks in his hair for some reason, keyed the controls. "Way ahead of you," he said, smiling. "Ladies, would you do the honors!"
"Sure thing, babe," Blast Fuse and Powder said simultaneously. The sisters pressed down the plunger on a homemade detonator. Outside the cockpit, the crew watched the Crystal Empire light up. All the Magic Gears, like enormous pony-shaped dominos, exploded six at a time. The blew up in formation, erupting into showers of sparks, flames and debris as they became lines of fire that stretched from the base of the Crystal Palace all the way out to the outskirts.
"Wow, look at them all go up!" Spike said.
The Mentor Gears, towering over the others, exploded last. Their titanic frames rippled with explosions until finally their heads burst and the bodies of the great machines fell over, blasting to pieces.
Crystal Ponies, once again awakening from nightmare, cheered as they saw the massive machines explode. Bits and pieces of the Magic Gears rained down but because of the nature of Blast Fuse and Blast Powder's expert explosive crafting, the debris was superheated to the point that it disintegrated before it caused damage to any ponies or property. Like the Sword Spells, the once-lethal robots were reduced to nothing but fireworks.
"Ahh," Blast Powder remarked, satisfied. "I love it when a plan comes together."
"I love it when a bunch of things blow up," her sister said.
"That's what I meant."
The Flutterbird descended to ground level. Dan and company stormed the facade mall again and found Shining Armor and Cadence in a cardboard box cell behind the bank of elevators. With the timely action of more convenient explosives, the rulers of the Crystal Empire were once again free. Reunited, the group even found Sam, Flash Sentry and the Judge outside the palace.
"Dan, Phoenix Wright," Shining Armor approached the two. He then looked down at a certain purple dragon. "And Spike again. You all did so much to help the Crystal Empire. You saved us from being both conquerers and conquered at the same time, not to mention your own world. We can't begin to express our gratitude."
"The Crystal Empire is in debt to you all," Cadence added.
Dan wrapped his arms around Twilight, Phoenix, Chrys and Lightning. "It was a team effort. We couldn't have done it without Twilight, Chrys and everyone else who came here to help. Now, we get to hunt down Vice Grip together."
"And blow him sky-high!" the Blast sisters exclaimed, clapping their hooves together.
Dan smiled. "Those two are going to be fun."
"They sure are," Phoenix smiled. (And hopefully not volatile.)
Sam-formerly King Sombra, walked up to Dan and the others. "And I need to thank you all… personally," he said, lowering his head. "There's more I could've done but… I was afraid to face this alone. Afraid to face Vice alone. Despite your generosity and forgiveness, I wasn't strong enough to defend you. I wasn't brave enough. I… I don't deserve your forgiveness."
"Sombra," Twilight moved to comfort him. "It's not your fault. You still tried to help out everypony."
Dan pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. "Buddy, there's a thousand forty-foot-tall pony robots exploding right behind us. No one could've predicted this. You did your best and you helped us out in the end."
Phoenix nodded. "Your testimony allowed us to free the others, free the entire Empire. It dispelled Vice Grip's hold on the Crystal Ponies. Because of you, they're free."
The dark-blue former villain stallion blushed. "Thank you… all of you."
"I'm sorry I couldn't have been there for you," Flash Sentry said at his side.
"It's okay," Sam said to him. The two held hooves. "You were there in spirit the whole time." They both kissed.
The entire group let out a collective d'awww. This was then echoed by the Crystal Ponies surrounding them in a massive crystal crowd that carried the d'aww across the Empire. The only pony that didn't d'aww was Twilight, who was too shocked to say anything. And Fluffle Puff but she was raspberrying the entire time.
"What… what… what?!" Twilight stammered. "But… I thought…"
"Thought what, Twilight?" Dan asked.
The purple alicorn forced herself to watch the two stallions kiss, though it was hard. Chrys picked up on it right away.
"You thought… you and Flash?"
Twilight nodded. "Well… maybe. I dunno now."
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder came up beside the Princess. "It's true what they say- all the good ones are either gay-"
"Or married."
"And these guys are gonna be both soon."
"Very very… both."
"Well," Twilight said, moving on. "Today has given me a lot to… think about. I think we should head home."
"But we are NOT taking the windowless white sky-van," Dan declared.
"Dan," Twilight said, "if we don't, how are we going to-" She turned around, then stopped when she saw Dan on his own super-overpowered hyper-charged chariot.
"That somehow looks less safe than the Flutterbird," Phoenix commented. "And the one we arrived in blew up after it dropped us off. And nearly crashed."
"That was kind of my fault," Lightning admitted. "But hey, I'm on your team now!"
"That you are," Phoenix rubbed Lightning and Firedancer's manes.
"Well, Twilight," Chrys said next to her friend, "in times like these, there's only one thing left to say."
"And that is?"
"Shotgun!!" Chrys announced, galloping up to join Dan at the side of the chariot.
"Hey! Wait for me!" Spike waved.
"We can't all take the chariot home!" Twilight yelled. "Or, maybe we can. But make sure everypony has enough room!!"
Shining Armor patted her shoulder. "We're coming too, Twiley."
"What?" she turned around, surprised.
Cadence nodded. "FIST is a threat to all of Equestria. And Earth. And everything in between. It's time we responded to this threat like princesses."
"But who's going to take care of the Crystal Empire without you two here?"
Shining looked back over his shoulder. "I think we found the right ponies for the job."
"Prince Sam Sombra Sentry and Prince Flash Sentry will be taking over for us while we're gone. After their wedding, of course," Cadence said. "They said they were preferring a small ceremony anyway."
The Judge waved at them from the crowd along with Sam, Flash and the others.
"Right… I'm sure that'll… work out," Twilight said, turning back around.
"Hey Twily, it's like we always say- you never know what's going to happen next," her brother said.
"But you can always count on your friends!" Dan shouted at the approaching ponies. "Now let's all go break more stuff together!" The massive party of ponies, dragon and two humans boarded the tiny chariot, a standing-room only proposition. Once they were all on, Dan revved the handles and the chariot sped off down the street amidst Crystal Pony cheers. And then it stopped halfway down the block. Dan alone got out and cranked.
"Well, at least we don't have to worry about traffic," Spike said.
"Or speed limits if we're going at this speed," Firedancer said.
"Grrrrrrrrr," Dan growled, cranking the battery again.
"Dan?" Lightning raised his hoof. "Maybe we should-"
"We are NOT taking the windowless white sky-van again."
"I know, I know, I mean, maybe I can recharge the batteries?" He held up both his hooves and a surge of electricity sprang between them. "It is my thing."
"Yes. But if this works out like with the remote-"
"Relax," Lightning smiled. He hit the crank with a charged bolt and the batteries were charged again. Even overcharged as the dials on the chariot went beyond full. "Like I said, I got it."
Dan patted him on the head. "Indeed, you do. And now, your boss is going to get it," he revved the chariot again. "Next time, you're mine! VICE GRIP!!!!!!!!!" The chariot flew down the street out of the Crystal Empire faster than even a Flutterbird could travel. Dan and the others were traveling together, straight as an arrow, a blue blur heading for their home in Ponyville.
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendshi-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
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Uh, I'm sorry, we seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. Please standby as we try to-ZZZZZZZZZRRTTT
Through a dark and broken mirror…
"The Terran Empire has fallen. All hail Celestia and Luna, Empresses Eternal of Equestria and Earth!"
Things have transpired quite differently than what you're used to.
"It wasn't about loyalty. It was looking out for me."
"So this is all some kind of game to you?"
"A game I'm going to win."
Different and yet somehow… familiar.
"They found something, the zebras. Some kind of weapon from another dimension."
"Another dimension?"
"Another Equestria. And they think this thing, whatever it is, can defeat an alicorn."
"We can finally beat Empress Celestia! We can finally be free!"
This isn't your world.
"I WAS loyal! I WAS a revolutionary! And look where that got me!!"
This isn't their world.
"Nopony who stands up to Celestia and Luna lives."
"I'm not asking you to stand up to them- I'm asking you to stand up to him."
But they are fighting to get it back.
"I have a mission for you, doctor. To see if you're as smart as Inquisitor Twilight thinks you are."
"You think I'm a threat?"
Whatever it takes.
"I sincerely hope so."
Next Saturday, get ready to see things differently as we show you what's on the flip side!
"We show them what it means to be Equestrian. We show him what it means to be Terran."
"This is the ultimate weapon! The tool to finally liberate Equestria and Earth! To free us all! They call it-"
"Magic Gear."
Vice Grip Vs. The Solar Empire- Next Saturday, Dan isn't the only thing versing things on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
Earth, somewhere over the Pacific Ocean Terran Empire Experimental Weapons Testing Facility 18-13
Two years ago
Dan stared up at the barrack's ceiling. He'd been awake in his cot for the past four minutes, having timed his sleeping pattern so precisely that it was barely a second's difference from the day before, not that anyone else in his unit was aware of it. The young human had many rituals, many protocols and procedures and subtle practices and ways of doing things that it was almost impossible for others not to notice. He had an almost-OCD way of doing some things, like cooking or cleaning or even tying his shoes.
He believed that such precision, such diligence made him better and that's why he would never tell anyone else exactly why or how he did anything. Because he didn't want them to be better; he wanted to be better than them, ahead of everyone else, on top of them in every way. And especially, he wanted everyone else to be underneath him. Especially now. He had them right where he wanted them- literally.
The edge of the blanket covering him ruffled just slightly, as if nudged by the whisper of a breeze. It was something that wouldn't even have roused him if he'd been asleep, nor would he have noticed it if he hadn't been expecting it.
He saw the reflection next. There was only a small amount of light filtering into the barracks from one of the windows but it was just enough to illuminated part of the back wall. The line, a razor-thin wire came just above Dan's head and its edge caught a little bit of the the light. It grew as it passed over him, crossing over his neck, a silver line extending over him as he slept. He breathed in and out slowly, waiting.
Finally, the line reached the other side of the bed. Dan cleared his throat and the line stopped just for a brief moment. Then, it continued, dipping down on the other side of his cot again. It was time.
Dan put his hand up, catching the wire just as the line pulled down to crush his neck. It was a grapple line, the kind of hooking cable that was still strong enough to hold someone up when latched onto something. And it would've been nearly impossible to escape if it had constricted him. If he hadn't known it was coming.
"You never were that creative," Dan said, grunting and struggling against the wire. "But trying to use my own tricks against me? Chris, I'm disappointed in you."
"It'll be Captain Chris in a moment," his 'ally' under his bed muttered, grunting. "After I finally get rid of you!"
"Heh," Dan smirked. "Maybe in your dreams." He grabbed the line with both hands and pulled it, turning and tumbling over, using his weight to wrench himself free.
"Grrrr, arrr-aaaah!" Chris yelled as the action pulled him to the other side of the mattress.
Dan still grasped both taught lines of the grappling wire. He held them up and looked under his cot. Chris, his 'friend' and would-be assassin was bound to the underside of the mattress, both his hands caught by the razor-thin wire. He glared at Dan from under the bed, teeth gritted. "I almost had you."
"You weren't even close," Dan said. He pulled the line tighter, eliciting a pained groan from Chris. "I'd consider taking one of your hands as punishment but seeing as you need both to fly, I think we'll look past it. It's still early, anyway."
Chris groaned again, the wire cutting into his wrists. He still managed a menacing smirk at his commanding officer. "Am I supposed-urk! to be grateful?"
"You're supposed to be smarter." Dan released the wire and Chris dropped to the floor. He got out from under the bed and rubbed both his hands together. "And recognize that timing is everything."
"I thought I'd catch you off guard early in the morning," Chris said. "That's how you killed Commander Zimmerman."
Dan smirked back at his taller comrade. "Commander Zimmerman's 'tragic accident' was an unfortunate result of vehicle safety failure. He should've checked his engine."
"But you tied the winch to the motor so when he used the gas, it would choke him to death," Chris said, recalling how their previous boss had been found. Assassination had always been the unofficial method of advancement in the Terran Empire's military hierarchy. The "rule by the strongest" philosophy filtered down to every member, even the citizenry and if a leader was seen as weak or someone else wanted their position, it was natural for the dispute to end with either the opposition or the incumbent to suffer an "unfortunate accident." Captain Dan and Flight Lieutenant Chris had not been exceptions.
"It wasn't my fault," Dan said with a slight, sly smile. "His check engine light was on."
His lunkheaded friend was still puzzled. "I don't see how that's any different than what I tried to do."
Dan patted him on the shoulder, despite the fact that Chris had just tried to kill him. "That's why you fail. And why I'm not worried about watching my back around you. But hey, what are friends for, right? Better luck next time, Flight Lieutenant."
"Yeah. Next time," Chris repeated, unconfidently. Dan washed and dressed in his standard gray fatigues, shaved around his face and trimmed his goatee and applied more hair gel to his already slick-looking hair. His's hair was in fact so gelled and slicked-back it almost looked like a black dome covering his head, a rubber helmet that couldn't be removed.
Before Dan left the bathroom, took a moment to greet his only other friend at the station. "Good morning, Mr. Mumbles," he said, greeting the creature sitting at his desk chair. "And how are we this morning?"
The furry white ball hissed at him. He mussed the hair on its head back against the grain, unnerving it. The cat tried to bite him but his hand was too quick and had already recoiled. She would've scratched him had he not already filed off her claws. Instead, she continued to growl at him and curled up on the chair, waiting to be fed again.
Animals weren't allowed on base but Dan had made an exception for himself. The small white cat he called Mr. Mumbles had expensive taste and tolerated his presence so long as Dan fed her almost gourmet-quality table scraps. He kept the cat around because it was easy to predict, like Chris, and he could gauge much from its mood. Like how he could tell when the creature prodded his utility kit last night that the grappling line had mysteriously gone missing. The cat's own curiosity had clued Dan into Chris's plan early allowing him to be prepared. Not that he would ever tell him.
The two men left the barracks and went to the mess hall for breakfast. Soldiers they passed stopped and saluted Dan, the standard Terran Empire salute of closing one's fist over the heart and then thrusting the arm outward. Dan did not return nor acknowledge them, instead walking onward, seeming to ignore them. It only further enforced the concept of rank, for him to act like the rank-and-file were so far beneath them and further the gap between himself and those lower on the ladder. And it was something he knew Chris hated. Dan smiled, enjoying it.
The two ate quickly and quietly among the others at the base. They were all soldiers, cogs and crucial parts of the Terran Empire's military machine that continued crushing and conquering every day. Originally, Dan and Chris were from a region that had previously been called the United States of America, one of its states called California but that had not been the case for decades. The Terran Empire, originally the Terra Party that started in Italy and eventually rose to conquer the world through political influence, economic purchase and military conquest. Once, the Earth had been divided amongst different nations and tongues, races and creeds but now they were all one under the banner of the Terran Empire. They were all Terrans, loyal to Emperor Zachary Cromwell Cochrane unto their deaths and would serve the Terran Empire forever. Or so they had vowed.
Dan and Chris suited up. Today was special, not just another sortie. While one of the Empire's chief concerns were still the rebels and the few resistance movements spread across the world, one of their more primary focuses was the acquisition of new resources. The Earth had one nation now, one giant, oppressive state of tyranny and apart from the occasional slave uprising or the problems from the few rebel cells and resistance movements, there wasn't much conflict. Unfortunately, that also meant there was less to go around, even with strict population control.
That was why projects like the one Dan and Chris were assigned to was so important. Officially, the installation in the middle of the pacific, the massive metal island that was Experimental Weapons Testing Facility 18-13 didn't even exist. Underneath the black ink, the facility was made to test weapons with the focus of fighting the rebels. And beneath that, under all the secrecy that could be piled upon it, was the true nature of the experiment Dan had been hand-picked for: a new frontier. Not a final frontier but another frontier entirely.
"So, this is the latest model?" Dan asked.
"Apparently," Chris answered. "These are the new specs for it. They were loading it on last night," he said, handing Dan a clipboard.
Dan looked over the technical documents. He had already seen them but made sure to act like he was reading them for the first time, glancing over the data he already knew was there. The bomber was called Defiance, some sort of next-generation stealth prototype. It was loaded with the best weapons the Terran Empire had constructed so far: tactical precision nuclear warheads, photo-vulcan cannons, stealth technology and power systems that were borrowed from the decades-in-development Warp Flight program the Emperor was overseeing himself. And finally, Dan saw again the device.
"Seems they're very confident about this one," Dan remarked, handing the clipboard back to his copilot.
"That's what you said about the last one," Chris said. "And the one before that."
Dan smirked. "And I was right."
Chris huffed in disdain. "Didn't change the fact that they sent us out for nothing. That's probably what this will be. Just another in a long list of milk runs for the Terran Empire."
"You should be happy," Dan said with another smile.
"Why's that?"
"It'll give you plenty of time to think about how you'll get that promotion."
Again, the taller human expressed disdain. Another few hours being confined in a tiny space and staring at an instrument panel. Nothing exciting ever happened out here.
Dan patted his compatriot on the back. He was a dumb muscle, someone Dan was happy to have around but he was also ambitious. Not smart enough to take Dan out but it was beginning to become a distraction. Others at the base were starting to get too used to the idea of seeing Dan and Chris together so that had to change. It was good to stir things up, keep people on their toes like that. Always keep them guessing was Dan's motto.
The pair boarded the bomber and took their seats in the cockpit. Two other individuals, helmeted like them approached from the sides and walked up the loading ramp of the craft after them.
"Looks like we won't be alone this time," Chris said, before Dan could ask what the two were doing with them.
Dan smiled at his 'friend.' "The more, the merrier."
Chris grinned back. "Of course, you're still the captain. You can clear it with command if you like."
"Perhaps I should," Dan considered, turning back to the controls. "But I'm sure they wouldn't be here if they didn't have a good reason, right?"
"Right," Chris nodded, painfully obvious.
"Might as well get settled in now, guys," Dan said over his shoulder. "It's going to be a loooooong flight."
"No in-flight movie?" one of them jokingly asked as they took a jump seat.
"I was hoping for Revenge of The Nerds," the other said.
"Eegh," Dan snarled. "I hate that movie. Especially that guy who plays that greasy-looking mucus character."
"Yeah. Wasn't that guy in something recent? Some kind of reality game show with nerdy kids in it?" Chris asked.
"Meh," Dan said, keying the controls and starting the plan. "Nobody pays attention to that crap anyway."
The bomber taxied down the runway and took off. There was no need for clearance or radio acknowledgement; everything had already been taken care of for them. This was a mission that was secret on top of secret on top of top secret, secretly. If it worked, the Terran Empire may have discovered a new frontier, another dimension.
Of course, the last half-dozen missions had been the same. They flew up in the bomber, bombarded the fuselage with energy of some weird kind and tried to see if it allowed them to pass through the "fabric of space and time to another reality." So far, the only thing they'd managed to do was deplete their fuel supply and turn the ocean and sky outside different colors. Beyond that, the results were inconclusive.
They were approaching the coast of California, now known as just the western coast of North America. All states, all nations and all borders were one: the Terran Empire. Apart from Bozeman, Montana and a few other exceptions, everything else was just referred to as another part of Terra.
"We've reached optimum cruising level," Dan announced.
"All systems are nominal. Ready to engage autopilot."
"Engaging autopilot."
A few clicks and the plane was flying itself. Dan looked over at Chris. He noticed his copilot was already watching him before he looked over.
"You guys ready back there?" Dan asked over his shoulder again. "One of you going to do the honors or do we still turn it on?"
"Oh, don't worry," Chris said. "We'll all be doing the honors, captain."
The first passenger wrapped a grapple cord around Dan's neck, the second around Dan's arms. The back of his head pressed against the head of his chair. He gritted his teeth as his trachea was choked off. He reached for wire wrapped around his neck but the one around his torso prevented him from raising his eyes. Darkness crept in around his vision.
Chris turned in his seat, looking at Dan. He bore a huge grin. "Like you said: timing is everything."
"It is," Dan said, straining. "And yours is up."
Unlike the other men, Dan had not disengaged his safety restraints. He reached forward instead of up and disengaged the autopilot. The other two men saw what he was doing, Chris got up to stop him. They pulled him back and up, pulling him up in the chair while still choking him. He couldn't reach the controls. Not with his arms, anyway.
Using his knee, Dan nudged the yoke to the right, causing the ship to bank instantly.
"Augh!" The other three men were thrown to the side of the cockpit. The wire around his neck released.
"Ahhh," Dan breathed, gulping in several fresh breaths of air. Before they could recover, Dan grasped the controls again and pulled the plane up into a straight climb.
Chris and his two conspirators hit the back of the bomber, slamming against the loading ramp. Dan continued the climb, preventing the men from getting up to him.
"You were all right, Chris," Dan said, disappointed only that he couldn't turn around and see his face. "Another time, another place, maybe we would've been friends."
"What would you know about friendship, Dan?" Chris said, groaning under the pressure. "The only thing you trust… is the Terran Empire!"
Dan smiled. "What can I say? Trust gives me plenty of opportunities for advancement." He hit the button that opened the bay doors. In an instant, Chris and the two others were blown out, scattered to the abyss. Dan would say later that Chris and the two others- he'd also have to find out their names- were part of the rebellion and had attempted to steal the bomber and other experimental equipment and that he had single-handedly stopped them, part of which was true. If he was lucky, they'd reward his actions and maybe assign him someone who'd wait a few weeks before trying to kill him.
Suddenly, the instrument panel lit up with errors. Alarm klaxons rang out as all the lights in the cockpit turned red. Something had happened- the engines were stalling! All of a sudden, the plane went from going straight up to plummeting straight down. Dan tried to pull up, tried to correct the course but the controls wouldn't heed him; the engines were dead.
The black bomber flew like an arrowhead down to the surface of the Pacific ocean. Nothing but blue expanse was beneath Dan and the plane was plummeting fast. Even the alarms stopped blaring as power from the plane disappeared completely. The controls became slack and useless.
Dan tried everything on the instrument panel, every possible button combination he could think of but there was nothing. The plane dropped like a stone. The inertia began to catch up with him as the safety systems failed and he felt the full force of bomber's descent. It was just then he remembered the device, the cell phone-sized dimensional transference device they were supposed to test. It was still in his pocket.
He brought up the phone with both hands, careful not to drop it as the plane spiraled. He looked at it, forcing his eyes to focus on the words. Quickly, he realized it was just a phone. Perhaps Chris was smarter than he thought. Had there even been a test scheduled for today or had it all been part of a ploy?
Dan tapped the phone's screen. With what he thought was his last actions on Earth, he typed in a hastily-written plea to anything that could find it to rescue him, save him, do anything and he would do anything in return. He hit send.
"Two bars…" he muttered. "Figures."
He looked up. The endless Pacific was still before him and it was a matter of moments before the plane impacted it and disintegrated, along with him. Suddenly, his vision of the sea was obscured by a dark cloud. A bank of dark clouds, a storm swirled into vision faster than he could've anticipated. It quickly blocked out his view of the sea and the plane passed through it.
And then Dan and the bomber were no longer on Earth.
Chris and his wife Elise, along with their friend Wally watched as their parachutes carried them to the mainland.
"He passed through the clouds… but not out," Chris said.
"What do we tell command?" Elise asked.
"Rebel activity," Chris answered, smiling. "We'll tell them the dear captain was an insurgent planning on stealing the bomber for the rebels."
"Isn't that what we were trying to do?"
"It was. But maybe now, I'll get a promotion." The three adjusted the sails on their gliders and banked towards the mainland. With any luck, they'd arrive at the rebel base at San Gmod before dark.
Mirror Darkly: Another 'Fun' Night in the Glorious Solar Empire
The sun set on a dark Ponyville day. It was almost always dark over Equestria- perpetual overcast, ready to rain, sleet, snow or hail at a moment's notice if necessary. And plenty of lightning to shock the idle or disobedient pony, if one was to listen to the conspiracies of the more imaginative residents. But it hardly ever stormed, despite that the sky was a blanket of gray most of the time. Precious rain water was one of many "gifts" from the Empresses and their servants and they made sure it was not bestowed in large amounts so none was wasted. Better to keep it scarce so ponies would remember its value and remember their gratitude toward Empress Celestia and Empress Luna.
Dan walked home through the quiet streets. Curfew would be in effect as soon as the sun went down and already Ponyville had become silent. Being an agent of the Equestrian Peacekeeping Force, the curfew didn't apply to Dan so long as he had reason to be out. If he needed to, he could make something up but today he didn't feel like staying out. He knew there would be something waiting for him at home.
He wasn't allowed to smoke in the archives so he decided to have a quick light on the way home. Cigars had changed over the past two years, no longer the health hazard they once were and one of the few things the Empresses had allowed to pass from Terran to Equestrian society. The ones Dan smoked were based on rolled leaves from a plant called Off-color Joke, so called because prolonged usage caused temporary color blindness. Apart from that and the addictive nature of the narcotic, Equestrian hybrid smoking products also usually caused a random side-effect of some kind like paralysis in less-used muscle, changing of hair or eye color to a dull orange-brown, the loss of the ability to whistle or sudden inability to pronounce certain words. All these side-effects were reversible and Dan felt like enjoying a nice stress release on the walk home.
Dan didn't look like any average peacekeeper, mostly because he walked on two legs. He wore a plain white t-shirt with the word "HERO" emblazoned on the front in bold, black letters. The middle line of the "H" was bent at an awkward angle so that it could also have been an "N" or a "Z" turned on its side. Most other humans in Ponyville were forced to wear the patchwork slave garbs that the fabric overseer Mistress Rarity cobbled together, barely rags that the slaves were made to wear for days on end. He also wore a pair of crocs despite the fact that most other humans were forbidden to cover their feet. But Dan had always been the exception, had always enjoyed special privileges from other humans and even ponies since the moment he set foot in Equestria.
His 'anniversary' was actually just a couple weeks ago. It had been two years since Dan and his stealth bomber had been transported to Equestria. He still didn't know how it happened, what caused it or why but he didn't care. He was alive and had been given new opportunities, a new world with which to exploit. And he had wasted no time in exploiting it.
Dan's bomber had been caught by Rainbow Dash, leader of the Shadowbolts and the air defense commander of Ponyville. At first, Commander Dash had wanted to execute the alien right then and there but some quick talking and begging for his life caused the pegasus to decide to spare him instead. He was taken to Inquisitor Twilight Sparkle who he told his story to, along with details about his bomber. Shortly thereafter, Dan was presented before Empress Celestia and Empress Luna themselves where he gladly shared with them all the secrets of the Terran Empire's military.
Armed with Dan's knowledge and an understanding of human weaponry, Empresses Celestia and Luna launched the successful invasion of Earth, conquering and enslaving humanity. The two alicorns now sat as tyrannical rulers of two worlds, two moons and two suns, oppressing the masses and forcing pony and human alike to remake all iconic landmarks, statues and monuments on both Earth and Equestria in their images. History was changed to reflect glory the two mares, artist and innovator alike were forced to name Celestia as their primary inspiration, motivation and devotion and even fan fiction writers and readers were forced to read and write at least one essay every five days about Celestia and Luna and how they were the most beautiful, magnificent and powerful creatures in all the land. If their expression was judged to be poor or inaccurate, or if the judge just felt like it, the individual responsible faced lashes on the sixth day.
Dan however, had been rewarded for his actions. He was placed as captain of Inquisitor Twilight's protection force and installed as a guard at the local Steel Woods Book Depository. Twilight herself had been rewarded for deciphering the bomber and appointed as Inquisitor into Human-Pony Interactions, essentially making it her job to decide which slaves were useful to the Solar Empire. With the vast majority of both humans and ponies working as slaves to Celestia, the pair should count themselves lucky they had so much freedom. But of course, they wanted more.
He reached the depository just as the sun went down. He took one last drag from the fag and dropped the butt on the ground, stomping it into the dirt alongside the remains of other cigarettes. Grasping the door, he entered the archives.
"And where were you?" a familiar voice asked.
"Out," Dan answered callously as he closed the door behind him.
Inquisitor Twilight Sparkle sat at the meeting table in the center of the main room. She looked up at him, regarding him with sneering, judgmental eyes. "You're two minutes passed curfew. And tonight's not your not to be out after dark."
"I thought I'd take the long way home," Dan said. "Enjoy a little bit of the night air."
"No doubt," Twilight said. She returned to reading, flipping the page of a large tome in front of her.
A grin spread over Dan's face as he approached her. "So, where might Chrysalis, Spike and Fluffle Puff be?"
"Out," Twilight answered, the same answer he'd given her. "Perhaps enjoying the night air themselves."
"Ah, but they're not authorized to break curfew either," Dan said with a wolf-like smile. "Whatever could they be doing out? Perhaps I should retrieve them."
Twilight closed her book with a heavy sigh. "If you MUST know, I have Spike and Fluffle out on an errand while Chrysalis I have on a very important assignment."
"Is that so?"
"It is," Twilight said, glaring back at him. "Something I can trust only her with, with her beauty and divinity and grace. Something only her capable and regal hooves can attend to," she practically sang.
"How nice," Dan said, crossing over to her behind the table. "I just hope other ponies aren't put off by her bad breath while she's out."
'Twilight' frowned. She breathed onto her hoof and sniffed. "My breath's not that bad."
"But your disguise is!" Dan grabbed her mane from behind and pulled hard.
"Ow ow ow ow OW!" Chrysalis recoiled in pain. She burst into emerald flames and transformed back into her traditional changeling form. The human released his grasp and she brushed her mane. "How did you know it was me?"
"I didn't," Dan admitted. "Not at first. I would've yanked your hair out either way to be safe, though."
She scowled at the human. "You keep your filthy paws away from my mane, you disgusting ape."
Dan chuckled. "You want to see disgusting, Chryzard? Look in a mirror and don't transform."
Just then, Twilight walked down from her room upstairs. "Ooof!" She stumbled, bumping against the wall as she got closer to the steps. Clutching the bannister for balance, she looked down at them. She looked at both of them until her hazy gaze finally fixated on Dan. "And where were you?"
"Out loitering as usual," Chryz answered for him. "You should lock him up for it."
Dan grinned slyly at the changeling. "Wanna get locked up with me? We could both endure a little… punishment together."
Chryz made gagging noises. It was bad enough living in the same house as him, much worse sharing a room.
"Both of you, shut it now," Twilight ordered as she walked down the stairs. She went over to the bookcase behind them and began removing books with her magic. "Where is it? Where is it?!" she asked, tossing tomes over her shoulders. They all knew which book she was looking for, the one book she couldn't do without.
A callous-looking Spike walked down from the steps after her. "You usually keep it on the bottom-left. So it's easy to reach."
"Oh… right," the purple unicorn said. She reached down to the only book that happened to be left on the shelf, a thick paperback that had the words 'ARCANE APOLOGY' written on the front. Of course, it was the only one she'd been using the most recently. "Ah-ha!" she held it up.
"Find it?" Dan asked.
"Mm-hmm," Twilight answered.
Dan smiled. "That's what I like about ya, Twi. You're always so eager to hit the books."
"It's Inquisitor Twilight Sparkle," she corrected. "Should be PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle by now. Would've been if not for effing Starswir's sabotaged spell." She grumbled, opening the book. Inquisitor Twilight Sparkle didn't actually read many books; in fact, she was barely literate. But she did find some books were good for one thing in particular.
Four years ago, Empress Celestia had sent Twilight Sparkle to Ponyville to oversee the Summer Celestia is Bestia Celebration, a bi-weekly event at the time that had been seeing delays due to insubordination. The Empress's sister, the imprisoned Empress Luna had broken free from her moon prison at the time. Under the guise of Nightmare Moon, she attempted to stir up a rebellion in the night to overthrow her sister and had nearly succeeded.
Twilight Sparkle gathered several of the town foreman mares, now supposedly her "friends" and collected ancient artifacts called the Pieces of Tyranny. Using the dark devices, they defeated Nightmare Moon and reunited the lost Empress with her sister. For her efforts, Twilight had been awarded the title of Inquisitor and was given the task to master the magic of oppression, much to the purple mare's dismay. Empress Celestia had ordered her to remain in Ponyville and live in the Steel Oaks Book Depository with the additional assignment of burning any seditious material or books not Celestia-approved that she came across.
Opening the hollowed-out book, Twilight pulled out a rather large flask of liquor. She tossed the book over her shoulder, nearly hitting Dan, uncorked the bottle and guzzled.
"Might not want to save some of that for later," Dan warned. "Commissary isn't open until tomorrow and we're running low on tokens."
Twilight's lips broke away from the bottle just briefly enough for her to ask, "And?" before she continued guzzling the hooch.
Dan rolled his eyes. "And I guess we won't be having booze and Frosted Pellaeon-O's tomorrow for breakfast, than. It's gonna be another 'fun' night in the glorious Solar Empire."
Twilight ignored him, took a seat at the meeting table and kept drinking. She'd never been shy around alcohol, even less so since her attempt to decipher Starswirl the Balding's Sorcery Supremacy spell. The spell had in fact been sabotaged by Starswirl himself so that the caster would suffer the loss of half of their magic power and potential when used. Twilight, however, had been lucky; while her magic had been diminished, it was recovering and the only other side-effect was part of her cutie mark turning darker purple on the top corner of the star. Still, what hadn't happened was more frustrating that what had happened.
"Maybe I can get a pair of wings from the commisssssss-sarry," Twilight nearly slurred. "Ya think they'll have any spares?"
"Don't count on it," Dan said, smirking. "And if it did, I doubt we'd have enough tokens to purchase. Our next allotment isn't until next quarter."
The Solar Empire controlled every part of Equestria from property to people and ponies. Nearly sixty percent of the population were slaves and there were no private businesses. Flim and Flam, a pair of generous volunteers, ran the local commissary which passed for a commerce center. Citizens of the Solar Empire, Dan and Twilight included, were allotted an amount of Sun Tokens every three months to use for various necessary goods and services. Moon Tokens were rewarded for exemplary service to the Empire and could be used for more "exotic" things. All purchases were supposedly carefully tracked so wasteful or distasteful practices could be stopped but really, it was just another way Empress Celestia and Luna oppressed the population.
Fortunately, Chryz could transform into different ponies to confuse their request record and buy things they otherwise wouldn't be allowed. But they still needed the solid tokens themselves to make the exchange. And at the rate Twilight was drinking, they'd be dry in two days.
More than anything else, Twilight Sparkle wanted to be an alicorn princess. She didn't want to be in Ponyville and preferred not to even associate with the underclass locals. Twilight would rather be back in Canterlot with the elite. Secretly, she, Dan, Chryz, Spike and Fluffle, and her "friends" from Ponyville, were plotting to overthrow the Empresses and rule themselves. Of course, they dared not speak of this out loud. Until then, Twilight drank away her failures, Dan smoked away his concerns and they bided their time, dealing with the rebellion and waiting for their chance to strike at Empress Celestia and Luna. But they weren't the only ones.
The door to the depository slowly creaked open. Pinkamena Pie, one of Twilight's other 'friends' stood in the doorway, glaring at those within from under her straightened mane.
"Ah, good evening Diane," Dan said, using the mare's middle name. "How are things at the soup kitchen?"
The pink pony stared at him, eyes frozen in an expression of deep contempt. Dan liked prodding the mare with the occasional pleasant comment. The only emotion Pinkamena was capable of conveying was cruelty, if she chose to convey any emotion at all.
"You are… all… invited to a gathering," Pinkamena said, voice filled with cold rage. "This evening at-"
"Oh mai gawsh, she's so evil."
Pinkie, you're not supposed to be in this scene.
"But I'm ALREADY in this scene! And you made me evil! Why did you make me evil? *sniff*"
Pinkie, calm down- that's not you. We talked about this, remember? Pinkamena is your evil counterpart from an alternate dimension.
"Counta-what now?"
Counter-part. It means she's an evil version of yourself from a parallel universe, a dark mirror. She's not you, she's just a different version of you.
"But she's A me even if she's not THE me!" Pinkie Pie hugged her parasol unitard sister tightly <3.
"Don't touch me." The meanie-Pinkie said. But the count-a-party Pinkie only held tighter until all the nastiness melted away and her heart was full of sunshine and rainbows and sparkly-
Pinkie, stop trying to narrate the story! Please, this is a very important seen to illustrate.
"It's scene, not seen. You meant the first one."
Yeah, I know. That's just spellcheck again. And would you please get out of the seen?!
"You said seen again instead of scene…"
PINKIE!!!
"Mmmm yessssss?"
Seriously, Pinkie, we're just trying to get through this scene so we can get to the rest of the episode.
"You spelled it right that time… and I understand. It's an important scene in the story."
So please, can you let us get through this part? It's gonna be fun~
"But… I don't want there to be an evil version of me. I was mean once for a while but now it's like in this univest, I'm mean all the time… I don't want there to be a universe like that."
"I think I can help."
Dan? You're here now, too?
"Yep. Just going where I'm needed," Dan said. "Hey, folks! REAL Dan here, now. I'm here to sort things out and get us back on track, like always."
"Hi Dan! Did you see the evil Twilight? I think she's drunk."
"Not quite, but I'm gettin' there," evil Twilight answered, raising the bottle again.
"Yeah, that's… something."
"I think it's silly!"
"Yes, alcohol abuse is very silly. But Pinkie, none of these guys are our friends. You see, everything in this universe is the opposite from the way it is in our universe. All of the versions of us and our friends are evil dopplegangers, like twins. They're completely different from us."
"Oh…," Pinkie said, nodding. "So, like they only walk backwards? And they speak in reverse? And they have pancakes for dinner and for desert is-"
"Pinkie-"
"Broccoli?"
"Pinkie, their personalities are completely different from ours. They're still similar to us in a lot of ways but at the core, they've just kind of been flipped. Which is why the evil version of you doesn't like parties and works at a soup kitchen instead of Sugar Cube Corner."
"No," the other pink mare said, voice full of disdain. "Parties."
Pinkie Pie's jaw hit the floor hard enough to leave an indent. Dan lifted it up for her.
"Sister… you ain't no Pinkie Pie," she said flatly.
Pinkamena growled. "I'll take that as a compliment."
"Does that mean you're fine with the scene, now?" Dan from universe A asked.
"Mmmm… all right. But I'd still like to show her that parties can be really fun."
Don't worry; you'll get your chance. Is that okay with you, Pinkamena?
"I was created five minutes ago and already I know I don't want to be around any of you ponies or… creatures," Pinkamena said in disgust. "If you really want a new playmate, I can always go fetch Toothy for you. He was getting tired of gnawing on the slaves at the soup kitchen, anyway."
We'll take that as a yes.
Dan A stood up. "All right Pinkie, now that that's settled, let's get going back to- OH MAI GAWD!"
What?! What is it now?"
"What's wrong, Dan?"
"He's… he's wearing…" Dan A pointed a shaky finger at Dan B. "HE'S WEARING…"
Dan B looked down at his outfit. "I'm guessing they don't have casual Friday in your universe."
"HE'S WEARING CROCS!" Dan A screamed in abject horror. He rose his hands to the ceiling as if asking the heavens why and screamed, "CROCS!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dan Vs. Crocs?
Crocs, the most arrogant, pretentious and downright snobby of all casual footwear, at least in Dan's opinion, were an abomination that Dan didn't think should be worn in any universe, much less his own. And they were on his feet. Well, at least a version of his feet.
Dan B lifted his foot and examined it. "I really do admire the abstract construction of shoe housing. It's quite comfortable."
"We'll see how comfortable it is when I stick it where the sun don't shine!" Dan A stomped over to him.
Twilight Sparkle B hazily looked up. "There's… two Dans… And… two Pinkies…" She held up the bottle with her magic and looked at it. "We're gonna need more tokens so I can get more of whatever's in this booze."
"Ick," Chryz remarked. "One Dan and one Pinkamena are bad enough. If there are any more, you can lock me under the castle again."
Dan A stomped over to his counterpart. "You can lose the shoes or the ability to walk. Either way, the crocs are coming off."
Dan B grinned. "Oh, this will be quite rich." Unbeknownst to Dan A, Dan B always kept a knife on him. As he stood, he let his hand casually slip to the fold of his pocket, carefully touching the very end of the blade's handle. "And here, I thought tonight was going to be boring."
"Eugh," Dan A stopped as he got a closer look at his counterpart. "You look like a walking grease stain. And you live in this dump? Do you even have a home security system when you're guarding royalty?"
Dan B shrugged. Dan A didn't know that the Twilight of this universe wasn't a princess and Dan B just assumed he was referring to Chryz. "Looks can be deceiving, my friend. But I believe you'll see my point soon enough."
"All I see here is a chump."
"Back at you."
Dan A lunged forward and that's when Dan B went for his knife. But Dan A saw this coming and instead of going for Dan B's face, reached down and grabbed Dan B's hand and turned into him, wrenching his arm.
"Agh, aaahh!" Dan B yelped in pain and dropped the knife to the floor. He was powerless as his universe A counterpart further wrenched his arm.
"You think I didn't see that coming?" Dan A asked. "Heh, I grew up in L.A, pal. Took a self-defense class at the YMCA. They teach you how to tell when someone's going for a knife in lesson one."
"I… I think I may have misjudged you," Dan B said. "You may lack discipline but you clearly make up for that in skill."
"I don't need skill or discipline to beat you," Dan A said back. He bent his counterpart's arm further, forcing him to bend his entire body at an odd angle. Still holding his arm in place, he carefully switched positions and turned around so he was facing him. "I just try to do the right thing. I obey a very specific set of rules. And one of those rules is: no shirt, no shoes-"
"No service?" Dan B groaned.
Dan A smiled. "No exceptions." He released his evil twin's arm just before he delivered a punch with his right hand to Dan B's goateed face. The evil human was hit so hard, he spun back around and fell onto the meeting table. Dan B hit with such force, he smashed through a chair on his way down, shattering it into pieces. His weight flipped the table, flipping over Twilight Sparkle and sending her liquor bottle and the Arcane Apology book flying. The book smacked evil Spike right in the face and sent him flying into a bookshelf, knocked out.
Pinkie Pie ducked to avoid the crystal decanter but Pinkamena wan't quite fast enough. The empty glass bottle smashed into her head and shattered, instantaneously knocking her unconscious.
"Wow… that was incredible, Dan!" Pinkie cheered.
"Yeah… you were right, Pinkie," Dan said, picking up the knife off the floor. "The Crystal Empire's mirrors do take you to some really interesting places."
"I know, right? But we should probably get out of here before they wake up," the pink mare suggested.
"Good plan, let's get back to Twilight and the others." Dan broke the small pocket knife in half and threw it away in an overfilled waste bin. He and Pinkie stepped over Pinkamena's form and closed the door behind them carefully so not to wake up the unconscious fiends. Before they left, Dan took a moment to write a note and stick it to the door. It read:
Residence inspected by Captain Dan and Pinkie Pie. Get a security system, chumps
The two then left, leaving before anypony in the Solar Empire noticed the unusually happy Pinkie and abnormally assertive Dan.
Back at the book depository, Chryz carefully stepped over the unconscious forms of her housemates. "Wow… I guess there are some universes you shouldn't mess with."
Just then, Fluffle Puff, the real Fluffle Puff, dropped down from the ceiling. She landed on the floor and quickly turned to face the alternate universe Chrys.
Chrys shook her head in disbelief. "Phluffle? What were you doing on the ceiling?"
"Thppppth."
The fluffy pony picked a cook book off the shelf titled To Serve Flan, opened it up and pulled out an apple pie. She quickly eschewed the book, took the pie and trotted out the door to follow Dan and Pinkie.
Chryz turned around and began walking to the stairs. "Sometimes, I understand why Twilight drinks so much." Suddenly, a disco ball detached from the ceiling and smashed Chryz in the head. With all of the depository's occupants completely unconscious, it went without saying that none of them would remember the events of the evening. When they woke up and saw the damage, they would all assume it had just been another 'fun' night in the glorious Solar Empire.
The sun rose on its own the next day. It was a very closely-guarded secret in the Solar Empire that Empress Celestia and Empress Luna actually had lost the power to move celestial bodies over a thousand years ago. A secret that, many believed would be incredibly damaging to the empresses if it ever came to be known.
Despite being a different universe, some things were the same and even more things were similar to the universe of Equestria. The power to move and reposition stellar objects was not accessible to ponies who practiced dark magic, much to the empresses' dismay. For the past thousand years since the departure of their parents, Empress Celestia had tried in vain to understand how to control the sun again to no avail. Like her pupil in this universe, it was a goal frustratingly out of reach. She often shunned even the sun's light, secretly ashamed to even bask in its glow.
Perhaps that was why Celestia and Luna preferred Terra as the seat of their power, ruling from the new capital of the Solar Empire, the former city of Rome. Inside a new palace constructed in their honor, the empresses conducted their own research on magic while their Empire continued oppressing ponies and humans and forcing them to pay homage to two incompetent wannabe-deities. Though not all ponies or humans did so.
The door to the depository slowly slid open.
"Security system?" Nick said, reading the note. "Did you guys get visited by solicitors again?"
"Ullllluuuhh… urrrr…" Dan shifted, the sound of the prosecutor's voice rousing him.
"Dan!" the orange-suited human ran over to him. "Holy crap! Are all you guys unconscious?! The solicitors must've robbed us!"
"Errrgg," Dan groaned, rubbing his head. "What have I told you about jumping to conclusions, Nicholas?"
Nick peeled Spike off the floor. "And then they beat you all up and stole our quarterly tokens!" He then ran passed Dan over to Twilight. "And drank all our booze!"
"Heh," Dan chuckled. Nick Wright may have been a birdbrained prosecuting attorney but once in a while, his tendency to jump to conclusions was helpful for weaving deceit. He had an uncanny ability to tell what those would first think when they saw something and used that to his advantage in court. While he'd yet to win a trial, he was definitely helpful to have around during legal proceedings. And Dan liked using him to bully and threaten to sue and countersue others.
"And what was it you said again? I forgot."
"I said, you weren't allowed to jump to conclusions… unless we could use it to our advantage."
"Oh… can we?"
Dan smirked slyly. "I'll let ya know next time we have solicitors."
"Okay…"
"Will you two stop being so loud?" Twilight asked, rubbing her head foggily as she got up.
"We're actually not talking loudly at all," Dan said.
"HANG ON!!!" Nick shrieked. "We can if you want to!" the dull-witted human said with a huge grin.
Twilight held her head. "Oh gawd, it's too early for this."
"Hungover again, Inquisitor?" Dan asked coyly.
"What do you think?"
"I think we've still got some emergency s'mores-flavored schnapps in the fireplace."
"That's… not a bad idea," Twilight said, still holding her head. "Have there been any alerts today?"
"Wouldn't know. I'm just getting up myself."
"Oh yeah, there's been dozens!" Nick said, almost like it was good news he was revealing. "There was an attack last night!"
"Great, if they hit something big enough, maybe we won't get bothered for a while," Twilight remarked, climbing into the fireplace. The unicorn stood up in the chimney, searching for a loose brick.
Dan crept up from behind and closed the fireplace doors on the purple mare, locking her in. He reached down to hit the ignition switch when Twilight teleported herself out.
The human grinned. "D-did ya find it?"
Twilight looked back at him, less-than amused. "Eeyep. Found this, too." She smacked him across the face with a loose brick. Dan was momentarily knocked out again and fell to the floor with a whump! The mare discarded the brick, uncorked the schnapps and knocked it back like it was Berry Punch's Butt-Kicking Energy Drink.
Chryz walked in from the kitchen, having already woken up. "There was an attack last night? What did the rebs hit this time?"
"Uh… I dunno. I heard they hit Canterlot," Nick said, scratching his neck. "I actually came over here to find out in case you guys knew anything."
"If they attacked Canterlot, why would we know anything?" Dan asked, getting up and rubbing the side of his face.
Nick thought about that for almost a full minute. He repeated the words to himself, considering the question. "Errhh… because Canterlot's the capital?"
Dan just shook his head slowly in disappointment.
"If the attack was in Canterlot, good," Chryz said. "Maybe they won't bother us."
"I somehow doubt that," Dan remarked.
The door to the depository opened. Spike walked in, holding a scroll visibly behind his back. "Sooooo… who else heard the news?"
"Another rebel attack," Dan said, taking a seat. "That's not really news at this point."
The Solar Empire and Terran Empire both had something in common, especially since combining: rebels. Uprisings, resistance movements and would-be revolutions were commonplace for both empires even before they knew each other existed. When the Solar Empire conquered and absorbed the Terran Empire, it had the side effect of joining two rebellions. The human resistance movement on Earth and the pony resistance movement on Equestria made contact through back channels and by bribing imperial officials. The two resistance groups joined forces, sharing resources and information on a level not seen in either planet's history.
While their opposition gained strength, the Solar Empire overextended itself. The Empire's neighbors- the stalwart zebras, unstable donkeys, chivalrous griffons, honorable dragons, savage saddle arabians, rock-worshipping mountain goats and the isolationist sea ponies- had made it incredibly difficult for the Solar Empire to expand. Even the reemergence of their allies, the Crystal Collective, had only been a short-lived boon. Celestia and Luna had craved conquest and so invaded Earth eagerly. Too eagerly.
The Terran Empire's capitulation had led to the Solar Empire's dominance over two worlds, more land, power and slaves than the two sisters had ever dreamed of. But the rebels on both worlds had also been eager to jump at the opportunity and began liberating towns, villages and camps on Equestria and some smaller cities on Earth. Celestia's armies, not as legion as they liked to believe, were unable to secure the vast territories of two worlds and so the resistance would strike, free groups and add more to its ranks while the Solar Empire diminished. Counterattacks were inevitable and large locations never stayed liberated for long but the resistance was unrelenting. The Solar Empire lost troops and resources while the resistance grew.
"But this is Canterlot we're talking about," Spike said. "The Thrones of the Eternal Empresses of Equestria. The very seats of their power, the base of the Empire has been shaken." The small dragon almost salivated as he spoke. Unlike most dragons, Spike didn't adhere to the Code of Honor. He assisted Inquisitor Twilight Sparkle in her duties in the hopes that one day, he'd have the pleasure of watching the Solar Empire destroy itself. And when it did, he'd have a front row seat and all the gems he could eat.
"I didn't think the Empresses cared much about Canterlot now that they had Rome," Chryz said.
Twilight shrugged. "Maybe they left something important behind," she said, taking another guzzle of schnapps. This mare did not swig.
"Canterlot's still the capital of the Equestrian side of the Solar Empire and it's where most of the royalty is," Spike said. "With the Empresses just getting moved into Rome, the resistance probably thought this was the perfect time to attack."
"Maybe there's an official broadcast about it," Chryz said, turning on the television.
"I doubt it," Dan said, taking a seat on the couch. "They won't make a report on anything until the Empresses tell them how to spin it."
"Unless it's too big to spin," Spike commented.
The t.v turned on, static at first, until the picture cleared. Color television hadn't been invented in Earth or Equestria, not in these alternate universes anyway, so the broadcast was in black-and-white. The image of a charcoal-black stallion sitting behind a news desk and glaring at the camera came into view. The head newscaster for the Solar Empire, Orrab, had a short, blocky white mane and a matching white goatee. He also happened to be the evil universe counterpart to myself and appeared to give most of the Empire's "official" reports. The stallion spoke with an offensively-shodey Russian accent.
"…will be beings doubled for foreseeable futures. Glorious Empress Celestias and Lunas decree that thees act vill not go unpuneeshed. If you are to be shust tuning ins, ve are bringingst you live update of cowardly rebel attack perpetrateds last nights by resistance. Ve go now to zee security cameras footages of attack last night."
The picture switched to an overhead view of Canterlot shot from a balloon. But, being a black-and-white video shot from up in the air at night, it might as well have been shot from a tin can onto a jet-black tape measure that someone poked a bunch of holes through.
"As you can clearly see," which they couldn't, "cowardly rebels attacked from woods outside of city vith intent of to be causings much maze hems and deconstructions. Err, destructions. Anyvays, resistance ponies and humans launched much bombs into city by vay of catapult and airship."
The screen lit up as several bombs exploded throughout the city. Massive white plumes reached up to the sky and showered fire and debris into the air. The eruptions blared out the screen a few times but they could easily make out shapes and other flickers of light scattered throughout the cityscape, ponies and humans from both the Resistance and the Empire exchanging fire.
"Wow, the rebels really didn't hold anything back," Chryz remarked. A catapult close to the city, barely visible on the screen, launched a wooden barrel over the defensive walls of Canterlot into the city itself. The barrel exploded in the center of the street but rather than the explosion going up, the fire swirled outward in a cross pattern that stretched down the street itself, burning all in its path.
"They even brought in the blockbusters," Spike said.
"Meh," Twilight said. "What a waste of good booze."
The Resistance was not a well-equipped fighting force like the Solar Empire's military. Being a rebel movement meant being on the move most of the time and so most of their weapons were either scavenged, built on-site or portable. They favored using catapults and trebuchet-like devices, sometimes mounted to vehicles like old Terran SUVs or chariots. Most of their attacks, if they weren't planning on liberating a town, involved harassing convoys and troop movement, destroying supplies and hindering the Solar Empire as much as they could and then retreating. They preferred guerrilla tactics and often their attack groups involved squads of ponies and humans working together using vehicles like quad bikes or motorcycles to strike fast and then retreat. Heavy weapons, they used sparingly.
The heaviest of all resistance ordinance encountered so far was a device the Solar troops nicknamed the "blockbuster." Consisting of a large barrel of highly-compressed volatile liquids, blockbusters were usually launched into larger cities by catapult, gunship or pegasi where they could literally set fire to a block if potent enough. The nature of the blockbusters made them dangerous to those who handled them as well: they were cheap, easy to make and had to be shaken up before the mixture became explosive. The resistance sometimes rolled them down hills into Imperial fortifications. Supposedly, the resistance manufactured them by the dozens in old soda bottling plants and breweries. This led to even more restrictions on alcohol and beverages.
"They even rolled out the gunships," Spike remarked, looking at the screen. Every so often, a Flutterbird buzzed the city, strafing the streets. A flare from the ground rose up to chase one of the craft as it flew by but missed, hitting a building instead. The resistance was cautious with what few aircraft it had, so that was the last time it was seen they were seen that night. "I can't believe it. They actually tried to take Canterlot."
"I'm not so sure about that," Dan said, squinting to view the screen.
"What are you talking about?" Chryz asked. "That has to be like the whole rebel army right there. They don't ever commit gunships unless they're really going after a target."
"Or they're trying to send a message," Dan said. The attack was ruthless, that was certain but it wasn't tactically significant. Canterlot, the capital of the Solar Empire on Equestria, was undoubtedly the most heavily-fortified cities on the planet. The royal family and a good portion of the military were stationed there as was a portal to Earth. If necessary, reinforcements from the new capital in Rome, not to mention the Empresses themselves, could easily transport from one position to the other to defend them. An attack against either location while this link was active was foolhardy, knowing one would face reinforcements from without and within.
"What do you mean?" Twilight asked, finally taking an interest. "What was their message? "Screw you guys!" or something?"
"That's always their message," Chryz said.
"I'm unsure," Dan said, rubbing his chin. "They know they couldn't have held Canterlot. So why attack it? If they wanted to send a message, they would've gone after the monuments or the statues, defaced them to prove they can. They could've tried to destroy the city, burn it to the ground…" he shifted, thinking out loud. "But then why engage inside the city itself?"
"Because screw you guys!" Twilight pumped her hoof in the air. "Send 'em all to Tartarsauce and burn this mother-bucker down!"
"Heheh," Dan chuckled. "My dear, one does not simply walk into Mord-err, what I mean to say is, one does not simply walk into the lion's den," he said, smiling. "The wise hunter sets the trap outside the den and waits for the lion to leave. And if he gets desperate, he smokes the den."
Chryz laughed at the thought. "You definitely sound like you've been smoking something, monkey boy."
Something caught Dan's eye about the Flutterbird as it passed by in the rewind. The Enclave were the only ones who were supposed to use the aircraft to support and reinforce the front lines. It wasn't too hard to believe the Resistance had stolen several of the gunships to use but… was it too convenient?
The Enclave in this universe were an offshoot group of Pegasi meant to function as an emergency tactical reserve for the Solar Empire. But in reality, most everypony knew that they objected to violence and usually fulfilled the role as emergency medics and doctors rather than reinforcements. The Flutterbirds had been originally built as assault craft but had been modified to serve as rapid air ambulances and evacuation vehicles. There were rumors the Enclave even treated members of the resistance.
Dan looked at the symbol on the side of the chopper intensely as if seeing something for the first time. It was a large, red cross, the kind normally seen on the side of the aircraft of late. But something about it made him suspicious.
He stood. "I think I'll check up on Canterlot myself… see how things are."
"Ooooh, sounds exciting!" Nick said, biting his fingernails. "Can I come with you, Dan?"
"No, Nicholas, you stay here and uh… do… stuff."
The other human looked puzzled. "What kind of stuff?"
"I'm gonna head out now, you guys take care," Dan said, moving to the door. None of them tried to stop him.
"Pick up some more wine while you're out!" Twilight yelled. "And none of the cheap stuff!"
The door slammed shut and Dan was out it before anypony could say anything else. Whether he came back at all, they only vaguely cared.
"So, who's going to get blamed for the attack?" Twilight asked.
"General Gash," Spike said, claws clasped behind his back. "Word is, Empress Luna herself is going to execute him when she arrives."
"Wait…" Chryz asked. "Isn't that guy like… Dan's boss? In the army?"
The small dragon grinned. "Eeyeppers. Definitely going to be a big opening soon."
Twilight smirked. "And you didn't tell this to Dan because… why?"
Spike smirked as he watched the human through the window. "Because I think our good friend Dan needs a surprise every now and then."
Dr. Vice Grip had not left the intensive care wing since he arrived at Canterlot's Celestia is Awesome General Hospital. Even if he had the opportunity to leave, he wouldn't want to. This was where he belonged, so long as there were patients and he had the ability to help them.
"Anti-septic… more…," Vice instructed. The nurse applied more to the wound while Vice continued removing debris.
"Euurrrgh… errrhh…," the patient groaned. He was human, early twenties with pale skin and sandy-colored hair, almost like Vice's mane. The young man had suffered burns to a good portion of his left leg and the lower-left side of his torso running all the way to the middle of his thigh.
"Serum… more…," Vice ordered. Again, the nurse complied without even a word of acknowledgment. "Just a little bit more."
"Eehhgg…"
"Ahh," Vice sighed, removing the last piece of shrapnel from the man's side. "That's all of it."
"You're sure?" the man asked without opening his eyes. "I think I still have a few ribs you missed."
Vice smirked at him. "We could check again if you wanted."
The man groaned. "I'll pass, doc."
"Get some rest and take an anti-biotic at least once a day," Vice said, writing down the same words on the man's medical chart.
The man looked back up at him with a half-smirk. "Sounds a lot like orders, doc."
"Consider them doctor's orders." Vice got up, letting the nurse finish patching the rest of him. The critical patients were all in stable condition now so the doctor had been treating the ones with less severe injuries. Many of them still had to be monitored closely but it looked like the worst was finally over. Now, it was just a matter of letting them recover while also keeping a close eye on traffic to the hospital. And also make sure certain patients, like the human recovering from the burns, were kept separately.
There were very few "free" humans in Equestria. Those that were were special cases that had been deemed useful to the Empire or that had performed special services to the Empresses. Even if their injuries were more severe, they were not to be treated before members of the Imperial guard under any circumstances. If it became known that Dr. Vice Grip and his staff had treated humans, especially those from the Resistance, the consequences for all of them could be dire. And Vice knew this.
Vice had known today would be a busy day for quite a while. The Resistance had planned this attack a couple weeks ago, a spur of the moment thing and while Vice himself wasn't an official member of the Resistance, he had been notified about it. That's why he'd made sure the hospital was fully-stocked and staffed for today and why he didn't plan on leaving. Just under two-hundred patients had been admitted to Celestia Is Awesome General and over two-thirds of them were rebels, human and pony alike. Some of them even had to share beds next to the guards they'd been fighting last night. But in Dr. Vice Grip's hospital, there would be no violence if they wanted treatment.
The stallion changed the gloves, washed his surgical prosthetic hands and gloved up again. Without missing a stride, he moved on to the next patient in the next bed. "Chart?"
"Dr. Vice Grip," another nurse trotted up to him in a hurry. "Doctor, I'm sorry but there's… somepony here to see you."
"Is it an emergency?"
"No, doctor."
"Then tell them to wait until I'm off-duty," Vice said, opening the next patient's medical chart.
"Sir…," the nurse looked at him, waited until he looked up at her. "I believe it's a special visitor."
He held her stare for a moment, understanding what she meant. Looking over his shoulder, he counted the occupied beds for the umpteenth time since he'd arrived. There were still many but at least they were stable.
"Have Ivo take over for me. I shouldn't be long," Vice said.
"Of course, doctor," the nurse said, moving over to the intercom. "Dr. Kintobor, to the intensive care wing, please. Dr. Kintobor, to intensive care, please."
Vice exited the double doors of the intensive care wing, giving himself a chance to relax. Being a doctor, he had learned a long time ago to switch his focus from the priority of others to his own at certain times, something all in the medical profession had to do. He removed the gloves from the surgical prosthetic hands he wore over his hooves and walked to the elevators. He pulled out his cell phone to check the messages. For some reason, the phone didn't seem to be getting a signal but he didn't understand why. Then again, Dr. Vice Grip had never been that tech-savy.
Like his primary universe counterpart, Dr. Vice Grip was a scientist. But unlike the evil villain Vice Grip, the good doctor was an expert in the medical profession rather than the machine one. The brown earth pony stallion wore a pair of smoothed yellow rubber gauntlets over his hooves that aided in surgery and walked on a pair of cushioned galoshes that squeaked on the tile floor. Instead of a white lab coat, Dr. Vice usually wore scrubs or and a white doctor's coat with his stethoscope around his neck. Today, he'd been in surgery so he just wore the lime green scrubs, minus pants and no stethoscope. Finally, he had a sandy-blonde goatee that matched his mane, which he scratched after removing his face mask.
The elevators led directly from the ground floor lobby to the second floor lobby. They were at the center of the square building for easy access from the entrance to the various medical wings. The nightshift manager for the hospital, who also happened to be a resistance sympathizer if not full-fledged member, had enacted emergency triage protocols to prevent the Empire from finding out they were treating rebels injured in the attack. Visitors were only allowed access to the main waiting room off to the side of the emergency room wings so they would be unable to identify any pony treated. Whoever had come for him would be waiting there.
Vice hit the elevator button and immediately walked away. The doors never opened automatically, especially not when they were this busy. He went over to the vending machine on the opposite wall, deposited a couple minor requisition tokens and pressed the button for a Pipsi. Pipsi, the only soda endorsed by Littlepip(in this universe.)
The machine rumbled and Vice's soda hit the bottom of the machine with a loud crong! Naturally, the carbonated beverage had been shaken up on its way down. He held the can away from himself as he opened it so it wouldn't explode all over him. It opened with a slight chuff followed by distinctive gurgling because he popped the top slowly, causing the soda to foam. It leaked over the side and dribbled down to the floor.
"Nice," Vice said, stepping back to avoid the spilled beverage. With his free hand, he dabbed up the mess with a handkerchief and then wiped the soda can down. The elevator doors opened in front of him. Still partially preoccupied, he entered.
"We have a problem."
"JHEEEZUS!" Vice jumped, tossing most of the soda onto the ceiling.
"Oh, um… sorry about that. There's an urgent matter we need to discuss."
"I told you not to do that again!" Vice chastised the other pony, already knowing who it was.
"Again, I apologize," Lightning said, "but you have bigger problems right now. We all do."
"When don't we?" Vice asked, cleaning himself up. Since he'd met Lightning Claw, Vice had noticed the alicorn had always been a bit off. It hadn't taken him long to realize Lightning was a member of the Resistance. Vice got to know Lightning and worked with him a lot as a doctor seeing as how the rebels didn't have many capable medics but he'd made sure he never touched a weapon.
"This is different. And I'm afraid we don't have much time."
The elevator doors had closed but Vice noticed it wasn't moving. Lightning Claw's horn glowed in the soft light and he knew the alicorn was using a spell to hold it in place. Some sort of experiment had caused Lightning to become an alicorn, if Vice was to believe the rumors. Before, Lightning Claw had been just a unicorn and the manager of the local Canterlot power plant. When he became part of the Resistance, Vice did not know. Only that he had tried to recruit the doctor on multiple occasions, this seeming to be the latest.
"I don't know how many times I've told you," Vice spoke frankly, "I'm not joining the Resistance."
"I'm not asking you to," Lightning said. He spoke in a calm voice that had a subtle coolness to it. "And I'm not the one the nurse notified you about."
Vice paused at his words and then finished cleaning himself. "You have my attention."
"The Inquisitor's right-hoof man is waiting in the lobby for you. He's here to arrest you… and probably do something else, something much worse," Lightning said.
"Which inquisitor?" Vice asked.
"The Ponyville one, Twilight Sparkle."
"What does she want with me?"
"It's not what she wants. It's what he wants. And he knows you have ties to the Resistance."
Vice's heart sank. So, it had finally happened. The Solar Empire finally knew about him helping the rebels. He'd probably be executed for this, made an example of. Maybe his entire staff and probably everyone whoever came through the hospital, patients and doctors alike. He was silent for almost a minute.
"Are you… all right, doctor?"
He nodded rigidly. "Fine… I'm fine. I… knew this was going to happen, one day or another. I don't think I would've done anything differently, though."
"It's a bit more complicated than that, don't lose hope," Lightning reassured him. "For whatever reason, he hasn't notified the rest of the guards yet."
Vice looked up. "Why? He wants to hog all the glory for himself?"
"We don't know," Lightning said. "What we do know is that he's going to ask you to come with him and if you don't comply, he's going to torch the hospital."
Vice's mouth gaped. "He… he'd do that? That's… that's insane."
Lightning gave a solemn nod. "Which is why you're going to go with him and you're going to give him some special information I'm about to give you."
"Why… why are you doing this?" Vice demanded. "I didn't want to be a part of your rebellion. I'm not a revolutionary. I treat ponies and people and yes, many of them are your own troops but that does NOT make me a part of your resistance," he pointed at the doors. "Every sentient that comes through here, that enters MY hospital has gotten treatment, regardless of whether they're rebels or imperials. I am a doctor, Lightning. And medicine does not take sides in this war. Both sides take the same medicine."
Lightning just looked back at him, eyebrows barely raised. "Until Celestia says otherwise. I'm sorry doctor but this isn't your hospital; it's the Empire's. When they find out who you've been treating, they'll take it from you and imprison you and your entire staff, if not worse," the indigo stallion walked over and put a hoof on his shoulder. "You're a doctor, right? Well, this is your chance to cure Earth and Equestria of a terrible illness that's been plaguing it for far too long. This is your chance to heal us all."
Vice scowled. "How long has the Resistance been practicing this speech?"
"Long enough," Lightning answered. "But like I said, I'm not here to recruit you. I am here to help you deal with the problem in your lobby, though."
"And help yourself in the process, I assume?"
"And everypony in this hospital," Lightning said, voice still very serious. "There's a human named Dan who's come to arrest you on behalf of the Solar Empire. I believe you may have prior interactions with him."
"I may have…" Vice admitted, remembering his first encounter with Dan. He'd met the young man in Cloudsdale after being chased by Derpy Hooves for attempted mail sabotage. Dan had ruined a blood drive he'd been a part of with the Enclave.
"He's going to ask you about the attack last night. He believes you were involved."
"But I wasn't involved!" Vice protested. "I knew about it, yes, and I treated the rebels but I treated the Imperial soldiers, too! We all did! And we would have either way! Why does he think I was involved?!"
"Because of your Enclave ties, no doubt," Lightning explained.
"Perfect. Friggin' perfect!" Vice crushed the soda can in his hand. He hit his forehead against the wall and just stood there, sulking. "I sign up for doctors without borders and I wind up crossing them anyway. Just perfect."
"It's all right, though," Lightning said. "We're going to take care of Dan."
Vice turned his head, still pressing against the wall. "How?"
"He wants information on the attack, that's what you're going to give him," Lightning said. "The attack last night was important. It's all part of a larger plan."
"Figures."
"You may have noticed the Solar Empire is overextending itself at this point," Lightning said.
"I think anypony or human with half a brain can see that," Vice responded.
"You'd be surprised," Lightning said. "And it's actually bad for the Resistance. Sure, it makes hitting their convoys easier but we don't want this war to continue. Celestia and Luna have made their new capital on Earth, a battlefield of their choosing. We can keep liberating their cities but they'll just keep getting them back. In order to win this war, we have to get Celestia and Luna."
Vice picked his head off the wall. "And you've found a way to do this?"
Lightning finally smiled. "We have."
Even Vice Grip was interested now. He may not have directly opposed the Empire but he wasn't a fan. Especially not of their universal healthcare. The tyrants' version of universal healthcare just meant it was universally awful, disregarded health and they didn't care.
Lightning pulled a small holographic projector out of his pocket and switched it on. The blue image of an alicorn filly rotated in the display.
Vice looked at the display, watched it rotate for a minute. Something about it seemed almost familiar. "What is it? A filly?"
"A forty-foot tall filly," Lightning said. "Composed of an alloy that resists all known forms of magic, even alicorns. With a single spell, this weapon can destroy an entire city. It's called a Magic Gear."
"Magic… Gear…?" Vice repeated, staring almost mesmerized at the image. "How did you build it?"
"We didn't," Lightning explained, quickly switching off and pocketing the projector. "It was built by… shall we say, a third party. The Conductor summoned it from an alternate dimension, a parallel universe."
"Para-what? Wait… did you say another dimension? You mean Earth?"
The indigo stallion shook his head. "No, a different alternate dimension."
Vice deadpanned. "There's more than one?"
"It's a bit complicated. Suffice to say, the Conductor is a very, very resourceful… being."
"That's the guy in the white cloak, right?" Vice asked, remembering back.
"That's not important," Lightning dismissed the question. "What is important is that either Celestia or Luna is coming here to execute General Gash for failing to protect the city. They'll be here tomorrow and when they arrive, we hit them with the Magic Gear. Either we capture them and force them to sign a treaty recognizing the liberty and independence of all Equestrians and Terrans on Earth or Equestria or we take them out and negotiate with whoever's left."
"Assuming there will be anyone left," Vice said sternly. "You're sure you can control this thing? What's going to happen when you lock horns with alicorns? Innocent people and ponies are going to get hurt."
"Innocent people and ponies are being hurt every day, doctor," Lightning replied in a serious tone. "They're being worked to death in the labor camps and tortured and executed for speaking their minds. The last time we tried to negotiate with the Empire, our best diplomat was drawn and quartered. The last time we staged a protest, the protestors, civilians, were teleported into the vacuum of space. Any further losses at all are deeply, deeply regrettable," he actually said with remorse in his voice. "But we are past the point of peace."
Vice shook his head. "I don't believe that. I know sometimes sentients get caught in the crossfire and maybe sometimes you do have to oppose an enemy on even ground. Maybe in another time, another place, we didn't have that option but we do now. If the Conductor can summon anything he wants, why didn't he summon something that could trap the Empresses rather than blow up the whole city?"
Lightning sighed. "He tried. We didn't want to involve you, doctor. But this has been thought of from every possible angle."
"I somehow doubt that."
"Dan is still going to arrest you. If you try to tell him you aren't with the Resistance, you'll be tortured and your staff will be executed. They'll torch this entire hospital within the hour. You know how fast they work."
Vice held his temple. Nothing was ever easy. "All… all right. What's the plan?"
Lightning nodded to the ceiling. "I have teams in position already. The city's still on high alert but Dan's the only one at this point that suspects the Enclave. There are Flutterbirds standing by to evacuate your staff and your patients, even the critical ones via the roof. All you have to do is distract Dan with the Magic Gear," he hoofed him the projector device.
Vice held the small drink coaster-sized imager. It felt like the weight of the world, the weight of different worlds and all the lives on them in the palm of his artificial hand. He was tempted to break it but didn't. "What do I do once he's distracted?"
"Well, there's a catch," Lightning said. "We don't actually have the Magic Gear yet. The summoning didn't work exactly as we hoped and it wound up in the Everfree Forest. We tried to recover it but the zebras beat us to it."
"The zebras have it now?" Vice asked. "I thought they were pacifists. What are they going to do with some kind of super weapon?"
"We're not sure but we know they won't be able to use it. It's being held at the zebra's ship breaking yards in the Zoverign region, the northern part of their kingdom on the coast. You're going to tell Dan we're planning on stealing this weapon, at which point, he's going to demand you take him to this weapon first. The holoprojector contains the coordinates of the Magic Gear. Give it to him and the two of you will fly to Zoverign and the ship breaking yards. Once there, I'll have a team in position to secure the Gear and take Dan down," Lightning said.
"You'll be there?" Vice asked, surprised. "Yourself and one of your-one of your squads or something?"
"I'll have a team in position."
"Meaning Springer?"
"Captain Springer is very qualified for tactical close quarters and small unit operations," Lightning admitted.
"Figures," Vice said, rolling his eyes. "She couldn't take him down at the blood drive in Cloudsdale, though."
Lightning raised an eyebrow. "Why were you having a blood drive in Cloudsdale? Wouldn't the high altitude make obtaining blood more difficult?"
Vice shrugged. "How else am I supposed to get pegasi blood? The flyboys and girls are always getting banged up and we need the blood."
"Ah," Lightning nodded, clearly pretending to understand. "I'm sure they appreciated your efforts."
"The Enclave did. But Dan didn't. He wrecked the whole procedure and we lost half the blood we collected. The blood bank trailer fell through the Clouds and landed on Carousel Boutique. Ruined most of Rarity's work uniforms but it was close to Frightmare Night anyway."
"That's… interesting," Lightning remarked. "At any rate, you won't be having any problems with Dan soon. Just remember to tell him what I told you, get him to the ship breaking yards and we'll do the rest."
"Those your orders, now?"
Lightning smiled. "Consider them doctor's orders."
Before Vice could say anything, Lightning exploded in a flash of purple electricity. When Vice looked again, he was gone. The elevator doors opened again and he was on the ground floor.
"Greetings, herr doktor," a familiar voice said the moment Vice stepped off the elevator. He looked up to see his guest waiting for him in the atrium of the elevator, not the lobby.
The human known as Dan leaned against the far wall, a thin trail of purplish smoke leading from the end of his lit cigarette to the ceiling. At equal points in front and surrounding him, blocking off the hallways to the left and right were Celestial Guards, the elite of the Imperial army. All four of the guards were alicorns covered head to hoof in polished white armor. Each wore an ethereal cape that resembled Celestia's mane and carried a long flag emblazoned with the banner of the Solar Empire. The top of their flag-staffs was tipped with a halberd and the other end was a shotgun barrel. Arguably, it was one of the most patriotic, albeit inefficient weapons ever created: you could shoot and stab someone with the Empire's flag though it would probably break immediately after.
Dan took another drag and smiled at Vice. "The resistance keeping you busy?"
Dr. Vice Grip ignored the question. "There's no smoking here," he strode over to him, intent on putting out the fag one way or another.
"Ah, you caught me," Dan said, holding the cigarette away from him. "My little dirty habit. Surely, you can show a little leniency given the extreme circumstances?"
The human was rubbing it in and Vice knew it. He ignored the obvious bait and grabbed Dan's cigarette, pinched it and put it out. "What do you want? Why are you here?" The guards around him inched closer, prepared to intervene if Vice laid a hand on Dan. But neither of them made a move. Dan simply stood there, brandishing the same smile.
"No time to chat, herr doktor? The rebels must've created a great need for your expertise, no doubt. Very well, is there somewhere we may speak privately?"
Vice glared at Dan. It was clear the human was determined to drag this out. "My office is down the hall," the doctor said, glancing at each of the guards, knowing there wouldn't be enough room for them all to fit in the office. "Follow me."
Dan snapped his fingers once and then held up two fingers close together, some sort of military hand signal Vice had seen them use before. The guards immediately relaxed their posture, about-faced and walked down either hallway. Where they were going, Vice did not know nor care. If they were leaving his hospital, all the better.
Vice led Dan down the hallway to his office. A few robots, the modular three-armed, three-eyed Mr. Capapples hovered by on their jets. Everyone and everything was hard at work to treat the patients. Not because they had to or because it was their jobs but because it was just the right thing to do. And the two of them were just walking by like reflections in a mirror.
But Vice was trying to save lives, too. If it meant doing this little dance with Dan, he'd do it.
They arrived at Vice's office, a door that was actually near one of the building's fire exits. The two doors were side-by-side, so close that if they were mislabeled, one could easily trigger the fire alarm by opening one. The two entered the cramped office, a room only slightly larger than a broom closet and barely big enough for Vice's desk. He wasn't in there often and it showed.
"Please, sit down," Vice said, acknowledging that Dan had already taken a seat. The human pulled the seat forward and began pulling things out of his pockets and placing them on Vice's desk.
Vice walked around to the desk and took a seat behind his personal monitor. "You know I'm busy, Captain, so please, if we could dispense with the pleasantries, I'd very much like to get back to running this hospital."
Dan pulled a final item out of his pocket and placed on the desk. He then proceeded to take off his watch, barely paying Vice any attention. He looked up at the stallion and grinned. "We're a lot a like, you know that?"
The doctor inhaled and exhaled, realizing his instructions would not be listened to. "No, I'm afraid I don't see the resemblance."
"I think it's obvious," the human said. "We both love our work. You do, don't you?" he said, taking off his watch.
"Very much so," Vice had to admit. "I don't believe there's anypony or any person out there beyond help. I try to make this hospital a place where they can come and get it."
"You've done a very good job," Dan said, still smiling. The human picked up his cell phone, a larger and older-looking model, and attached the watch to the end of it. "Too good of a job."
Vice leaned forward, noticing the trinkets Dan had pulled out. "Too good of a job? What exactly do you mean by that, captain?"
Dan flashed a knowing glance at Vice. "Come now, herr doktor. I think you've made it clear you're not interested in wasting time, so please don't waste mine." One of the items Dan had out was an MP3 player. He connected the music player to the watch that was strapped to the end of the phone, attaching it to the face. Dan then took the car alarm from his keychain and slid it into his cell phone's display.
The doctor stallion sat back again. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about." If Dan was going to be coy, so could he.
Finally, Dan completed his tinkering. He fixed the key to a car he no longer owned to the end of the MP3 player. The ear buds of the music device, he attached to the bottom of the phone, connecting it to the battery charger. He then tapped a few of the phone's numbers and pointed it, key facing forward at Vice Grip. "I'm talking about the members of the resistance you're treating illegally in this hospital."
Vice didn't know what to make of the device Dan was holding. The only thing he knew is that it was obviously threatening. He fought the urge to stand again. "The… resistance? But I'm not a member of-"
Dan turned the contraption in his hand at Vice Grip's monitor. He pressed the car alarm button and a bright red beam fired from the key end. The beam lit up the console, causing its screen to explode from behind and shower the doctor with sparks and smoke. "AAAAHH!!" Vice stood, avoiding the melted slag that was his computer and braced against the back wall, unsure of what would happen next. Breathing heavily, he looked back to Dan who was still seated, pointing his device at Vice.
"This is called a phaser," Dan explained. "It was part of a top-secret weapons project in the Terran Empire before it fell. I'm afraid to say that this little baby is the only completed prototype, something I was working on back on Earth."
Vice stared at the weapon, now realizing the full extent of the threat he faced. Dan had lured him into a trap, one even Lightning Claw might not have seen coming.
"At maximum setting, it's capable of total particle disintegration. If I charge this up to its full capacity and hit even the edge of your hoof, your body will be broken down at the subatomic level and reduced to a vapor so fine it won't even condense into dust for at least a decade." Dan raised the weapon and aimed it at Vice's head. Vice could only watch as the key that made the phaser's emitter glowed red.
"What… what do you want from me?!" Vice's voice broke high. He cowered against the wall as if to hide from the gun pointed at him, futile as he knew it would be. "I told you: I'm not a rebel!"
"Yet you're treating dozens of them," Dan said, his voice stern and stoic. "Summers, Bandwidth, Ice Pick- not to mention several humans."
Vice swallowed. "I… I've only been here since this morning. I don't have any control over who's admitted!" he said, a half-truth. While the nightshift had admitted most of the patients, imperial and rebel alike, Vice wouldn't have turned any of them away either. It was their duty.
Dan smirked again. He aimed his phaser low for just a moment and vaporized Vice's desk in-between the two of them. The desk glowed bright red and disintegrated, melting into red sparks that evaporated into the air leaving behind nothing. The process happened so fast, the picture on Vice's desk of him and his parents fell and shattered.
"You had to know something about the attack," Dan said, stepping through the empty space where the desk had been to Vice. He took small, deliberate steps, keeping his eyes on the cowering doctor, every inch forward a threatening message. He kept the phaser at his side, casually aimed at Vice. "The outer fortifications attacked, several city blocks leveled, relatively light casualties, three areas of the city hit and despite all this, somehow, the only reported injuries are admitted to this one hospital? That's just too perfect. But I've heard you're famous for miracle cures, before, doctor."
"I'm telling you the truth!" Vice protested. "They didn't tell me anything! I admitted the patients, but-"
Dan vaporized one of the chair legs under Vice. The chair rapidly disintegrated and Vice fell to the floor. The human cooly stood over him, phaser still aimed and hot.
"The attack's not over!" Vice screamed.
The human held his fire. He raised the phaser, pointing it finally at the ceiling. Vice looked up at Dan towering over him, his dark, tanned visage made almost alien-like by the fluorescent lighting overhead. "There's more to it?"
Vice held his hands up as if to block the next shot.
"Get up," Dan ordered, pulling the doctor to his feet. "What do you mean, the attack's not over?"
"It's not over," Vice stammered. "La-last night w-w-was only the first phase. They have more planned, a lot more."
Dan took a step back, lowering the weapon. "What do they have planned?"
"They're going afterl the Empress," Vice said.
Dan quirked an eyebrow. "They're planning on getting White Horse? How?"
"They're going to attack Canterlot again when the Empresses arrive tomorrow. An ambush."
"Heh… hehahahaha…" A smile spread across Dan's face. "Hahahaha! I love it. They hit Canterlot while White Horse and Night Horse are away to lure them back. Back to a city that they already hit once unsuccessfully, and one of the most heavily-fortified positions in Equestria, just so they'll feel safe when they hit them again. And of course, because they just attacked the place last night, no one would ever expect them to attack the same place again so soon. I have to admit, that's some kind of genius."
Vice nodded. "They don't know which one is coming yet but they're planning on taking out either one or both and then negotiating with the royal family for a treaty. They'll be forced to recognize the rights and freedom of ponies and terrans alike or at the very least, recognize the Resistance's territory."
"And the royal family, without White n' Night horses' guidance, are just sniveling and groveling enough to sign it to save their own hides," Dan finished for him. "But the Empresses are too powerful. Nothing the rebels can hit them with will even phase them, let alone subdue one.
Vice shrugged. "They think they've found something that can."
"Something that can actually match an alicorn?" Dan scoffed. "Not possible. The Empresses have ruled for centuries dealing with uprisings like this. There's never been a weapon that could match them before. They know every kind of magic in the book and they've got the armies of two entire planets to cover them. What could the resistance possibly have to beat that?"
Vice pulled out the holoprojector and switched it on. "They have this."
Blue light swirled into the form of an alicorn filly in front of them. It rotated slowly as text scrawled around it, the details of its weapons and systems being listed.
Like Vice, Dan was almost instantly mesmerized by the sight of it. "What is it?"
"They call it a Magic Gear. It's a forty-foot tall pony robot that can destroy entire cities with its weapons. And it's completely immune to magic," Vice explained.
A smile, almost genuine, spread across Dan's face. "They think this can actually beat them?"
"No," Vice said. "They think it can destroy them."
Dan nodded, rubbing his chin as he looked at the display. "Immune to magical spells… now that might actually do the trick. At the very least, it'll be a major threat to them, to the entire Solar Empire. There's just one thing that bothers me," he said, looking up to Vice. "Why did they tell you about this?"
Vice swallowed. He decided not to tell the whole truth. "They wanted me to evacuate the hospital today. They said they had a weapon that would annihilate the entire city, all of Canterlot but I didn't believe them so they showed it to me this morning. The weapon is real, this threat is very real."
"And what, they showed you this little trinket to convince you?" Dan asked.
"They're sending me to retrieve it," Vice quickly added. "I'm to use my position in the Medecins Sans Frontieres in order to get the weapon from the Zebra Republic."
Dan turned to him quickly. "The zebs have it? But they're all pacifists. What would those hippies want with a WMD?"
Vice swallowed. "Th-they're the ones that built it. For the Resistance."
The human rubbed his chin again, buying it. "Haaaaah… that actually makes sense. The zebs have been thumbing their noses at the Empire for years. We suspected they were supplying the rebels but up until now, nopony could prove it."
"Heheheh," Vice chuckled nervously. "Well uh, like you said, until now." In truth, the Zebra Republic was largely pacifist. The zebras were a peaceful and friendly race that sought to spread harmony and love throughout the world. They were known for their incredible generosity and peace-loving ways, never resorting to violence and trying to promote health and well-being to other nations. Naturally, everybody hated them. Other nations rarely if ever dealt with them in any way. The train tracks ended and deliberately went around their entire nation.
The Solar Empire publicly denounced the zebras as a race of savages unfit for even slave labor. Empress Luna claimed to have seen the Republic and declared it a wasteland devoid of any usable or valuable resources. In reality, the zebras were the first and only nation so far to repel an invasion by the Solar Empire. How was still a mystery. Some say it was the result of bad weather, others say that the zebras had help from aliens but regardless of who you believe, the fact remained that Empress Luna led a force of four-hundred thousand troops, airships and armored battle wagons into the Zebra Republic one night just a year ago. And only Luna came out.
The reemergence of the Crystal Kingdom, longtime allies of the Solar Empire had quickly given the Empire the boost it needed. The failed invasion was covered up quickly by the return of the crystal ponies. Inquiries into the lost Imperial army and troops were dismissed. Luna claimed to have banished the entire army under her command to the moon for their failure to find an acceptable land to conquer. But that would've required the Components of Control to do. And Twilight had told Dan that they hadn't been used.
"So, the hippies have taken a side in the war?" Dan asked. "Maybe they heard about Earth, found out what's there."
"Maybe," Vice said, shrugging. "But, you know I don't want my hospital destroyed."
Dan smirked again. "Ah, I smell a proposition, my equine comrade."
"The resistance wants me to recover the weapon but you know I'm not onboard with them. You help me destroy the Magic Gear and I'll let you take all the credit. You come back to Canterlot a big hero and by that time, all my patients will be discharged. I get to keep my hospital, you get to hit the Resistance where it hurts," Vice said.
Dan mulled the idea over for a moment, gingerly gnawing on the key emitter of his phaser. "What about the resistance? They're not going to come after you for breaking their new toy?"
The doctor shook his head. "They're not like that. They probably won't rely on me after this but dammit Jim, I'm a doctor- not some kind of rebel mechanic with a giant robot. From the future. Repaired with spare car parts and a video game interface."
"Hmmm…," Dan thought it over. "I could just shoot you right now, take your projector, maybe dress up as a doctor and fly there myself. Take the Magic Gear back, maybe even take over the whole Empire myself."
"You could try that," Vice said, smirking. He walked over to where the human was holding the phaser pointed at him and let it touch him, end still lightly red. But Vice just looked Dan right in the eyes. "But who's going to believe you're a doctor."
"I could take your scrubs."
"But you can't take my access codes."
"…Crap. All right, let's get going," Dan said. He dialed a number into the cell phone part of his phaser and held it up to his ear. "Waylon? Pick me up on the east side. We're taking some… medical leave." The human lead Vice Grip outside of his office and back into the hallway.
"Medical leave?" a voice on the cell phone asked in a distinctively western accent. "You said this job was for an easy get-in-and-get-out, brother man. Waylon's gonna expect a bigger paycheck for this."
"Duly noted," Dan said sarcastically. "We're picking up a passenger and then we've got a trip to take. Just taking a doctor out for a little house call is all."
"Doctor? It ain't Dr. Morris, is it? Because if it is, I'm grabbin' the noise-cancling headset and the-"
"Relax, Waylon. And be ready for a quick pickup."
"Heheheheh, is there any other kind, brother man?"
Dan flicked off the cell phone and put it away without answering him.
"Friend of yours?" Vice asked as he followed.
"Let's call him an acquaintance."
"Tend to meet plenty of those in this line of work," Vice said.
Dan looked over his shoulder. "You have no idea."
Vice stopped briefly. Dan's words almost sounded threatening. Considering where they were going, what they were doing, that made sense. He hurried to follow the human down the hall to the exit.
Dan picked up his pace as he neared the east side exit, almost breaking into a sprint and forcing Vice to speed up as well. Vice wasn't used to running; his boots were made for standing or kneeling down for long hours, not running after people. This whole plan had sounded like a bad idea from the start and it just kept getting worse. Vice had felt like he was being forced down a dark path ever since he got off the elevator and now he was being forced to go faster.
"Uh, Dan?" he asked, trying to keep up.
"Not now!"
"Err-uh, Dan, I'm the head surgeon."
"So?" Dan looked over his shoulder.
"So I need to clear this with my staff before I-"
"No time," Dan said, turning around again.
Vice stopped in his tracks. "Now, hold on just a second. I have a responsibility to-"
Dan spun around and held his cell phone out like it was still a phaser. "You have a responsibility to shut your arse up and keep moving. Now, come on."
But the doctor did not move. "I'm going to notify the head nurse on the intercom. Now, you can either vaporize me where I stand and face an inquiry when the entire hospital sees you or you can head outside and prepare for our departure. Your choice."
The human's lip flared as he considered all options. Reluctantly, he pocketed the phone again and turned around.
"Thank you," Vice said, turning to the wall intercom. "Paging head nurse, please dial outgoing two-five-bee. Head nurse, two-five-bee, please."
*braaaam*"Head nurse Lightning Dust here."
"Yes, Mrs. Dust? It's Vice from surgery. Could you tell Medic to cover for me?"
"Mass Effect Medic, Medal of Honor Medic, Halo Medic, Halo Wars Medic-"
Dan chuckled, amused at the exchange. The doctor noticed him, adding more pressure to the situation.
"Lightning-"
"Call of Duty Medic, Elliot Tercorien from Fallout 3, we also have-"
"LIGHTNING!" Vice yelled. "Please, just whatever medic is closest."
"TF2 it is, doctor!" the voice on the intercom said cheerily. "Would you like Red or Blu Medic?"
"Green. Or… tangerine. Or both," Vice answered and hung up the intercom. He turned to see Dan sporting a smug look as he leaned against the wall, waiting for him.
"Calling in mercenary help? I didn't know you were so short-staffed," the human chuckled.
Vice glared unamusedly. "We didn't want to reference a medical drama so… there was only so much we could do before Medic showed up somewhere. Seriously, this is a hospital in an evil alternate dimension of a crossover fic. It was only a matter of time until Team Fortress 2 was involved."
Dan pointed to Vice's side. "Is that why Henry Winkler is here?"
Vice looked over to Henry Winkler who was just there. He then turned back to Dan, frowning. "Yes, that's why Henry Winkler is here. Let's go."
The pair passed two nurses and the rest of the cast of Children's Hospital on the way to the exit. They went through the double doors simultaneously and closed both doors at the same time, making sure as few as possible saw them leave.
"Going somewhere, Dan?"
"-so soon, Dan?"
Two voices asked him at the same time.
Dan stopped in his tracks forcing Vice to do the same. Two gray mares stood in front of them, blocking their path to some kind of aircraft just beyond them.
"Oh, uh… well, hello ladies," Dan said, trying to sound casually authoritative. "I'm afraid I don't have time to chat. I'm on official business, very hush hush for the Empire. Ya know what I mean," he said, trying to reassure them.
"Uh, no we don't."
"Nope."
"More friends of yours?" Vice asked.
Dan looked over his shoulder at Vice, pulling the neck of his shirt. "Just uh, some ponies I've… known. Closely."
The two mares glared at Dan, faces frozen in disdain. Sighing, they turned to Vice Grip. "I'm Diffuse," the first one, a pegasus said.
"She's Diffuse," the unicorn mare than said. "And uh, errr…"
"I'm Diffuse and she's-"
"I'm Disarm and she's-"
"WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO TALK OVER ME?!"
"-OVER ME?!"
"UGH!"
"GUH!"
The two rolled their eyes at each other and turned away, both in a different way from the other.
Vice looked at Dan. "They're who?"
The human turned to Vice with an awkward grin. "This is Blast Diffuse and Blast Disarm. They're Ordnance Decommissioning and Disposal ponies. And they're sisters… even if they don't get along that much."
Diffuse, the pegasus was missing her tail and the tips of her wings were blackened as if they'd been singed. Disarm, the unicorn sister was bald and her horn was jet black like it had been on fire. The sisters spoke one after the other and tried to complete each others' sentences but failed. The friction between them was clear and almost tangible. Despite the fact that they were related, they had an almost unstable hostility between them.
"You're not going anywhere, Dan." Diffuse walked up to him.
"-not leaving, Dan." Disarm moved closer.
"Not until we're done with you."
"-finished with you."
"Girls," Dan stepped forward, arms outstretched. "We can work this out. What's got my favorite bomb squad down?"
"YOU GAVE US DRAGON HERPES!"
"-HERPES!" The two yelled at him, knocking him back.
Vice deadpanned. Dan froze, mortified. "L-ladies… uh, umm," he swallowed. "C-can't this wait?"
"NO!"
"-OPE!" they yelled at the same time. "You're going to pay for this one, Dan."
"-suffer for this, Dan." Disarm lifted him up with her magic.
"Hey-hu-heyheyheyHEY!" Dan struggled as he was turned upside down in the air.
"When did you first develop symptoms of dragon herpes?" Vice asked.
"Uh, doctor?" Dan asked, dangling. "Do you really think this is the best time for that?"
"Shut up!" Diffuse yelled at both of them, flying up to where her sister was holding Dan. "We've already decided what we're going to do with you."
"What we've planned on doing."
"Girls," Dan managed a smile. "I'm a very connected man. We can work this out."
"And who have you come into contact with lately?" Vice asked.
"Doctor, please," Dan said, leaning away from where Diffuse was glaring at him. "I can handle this."
"What difference does it make?"
"Why does it matter?" the pair asked, now listening to Vice.
Vice had pulled out a notepad and pencil and was jotting down notes. "I'm trying to make an accurate diagnosis. Now, you believe you contracted dragon herpes from Dan?"
"Yes!"
"Yeah!"
"I see," Vice said, writing it down.
"…Are you seriously doing this right now?" Dan asked, hanging in the air.
Vice continued writing. "And how long ago was it you saw Dan?"
"Last week."
"A week ago."
"I see," Vice said.
Dan hung helpless, wondering what kind of punishment his former acquaintances had in mind for him. He grinned at Diffuse, who was upside down from his perspective. "C'mooooon. We had a good time, didn't we? All we had was one date."
One thing Diffuse and Disarm did share though was a facial expression. They both scowled at him. "You didn't tell us you had dragon herpes!"
"-that you were infected!"
Dan recoiled from both of them yelling. "Please, if you're gonna yell at me, at LEAST do it one at a time."
"And what kind of interactions did you have on this date?" Vice asked.
Diffuse glanced over at him. "We kissed him."
Disarm looked over to him. "He kissed us."
"Did a little nuzzling."
"Muzzle rubbed."
"I see," Vice said, making note of that.
"We had… fun, didn't we?" Dan asked, begging for mercy.
"We did."
"Sure," the sisters said.
"Until we woke up the next morning."
"Until the next day."
Dan recoiled, scathed again.
"Well," Vice said, ripping off a note from the notepad. "I don't think you contracted dragon herpes from Dan."
"OOOF!" Dan hit the floor, suddenly released from Disarm's magic. "Thanks a lot for that!"
The two mares ignored him. "What do you mean we didn't get it from Dan?"
"-he didn't give to us?"
Vice pocketed his pencil and notepad. "We've been dealing with a lot of cases of dragon herpes ever since Spike came back from Rheno. And honestly, the herpes virus is everywhere and even if you're not having symptoms, you can spread it. Four out of five ponies have it and about ninety-nine percent of the human population in Equestria has some form of it. If you experience cold sores the day after kissing someone, it's likely you've had it for a long time and are just now experiencing symptoms. Dan probably doesn't know he has it."
"Uhh, that's right!" Dan quickly said, scrambling to his feet and hiding behind Vice. "I don't have any weird diseases or anything and I certainly would've told you if I did."
Vice looked over his shoulder at him. "Can you not touch me please?"
"Honestly girls, if I knew I had dragon herpes, I would have told you right away. You have my word," Dan assured them.
The two sisters glared at him for a long time. Finally, they said something. At the same time. "Fine. You can go."
"-ou're off the hook."
"Hold on a second, ladies," Vice strode up to them. "Take this with you," he said, handing them a slip of paper.
"What is this?"
"And this is?"
Vice smiled. "A prescription for vitamin DnD. It's the only effective treatment for dragon herpes. It'll stop the flare ups."
The two looked at the paper for a while, quizzical looks on their faces. "…thanks."
"Appreciated," they said and walked off.
Dan waited until they were both out of hearing range before he spoke again. "Vitamin DnD?"
Vice shrugged. "Yeah it's not really a cure but it'll give them something to do if they're getting cold sores."
"Right," the human said, nodding happily. "And hey, thanks for that back there."
"It's not a problem," the doctor said. "Just doing my job."
"Of course. And uh, one other thing…"
"Yeah?"
"You think I could get a prescription for vitamin DnD?" Dan asked.
Magic Gear Network Online. System loading… … System Ready Alert! Network integrity compromised! Unit not responding to system commands! [Command] Identify unit Accessing Network… … Unit X-456(ALT) diagnostic complete. Unit not responding to commands. Reason: Command Interface offline. [Command] Reestablish unit network connection … (Error) Unable to process command; unit connected to network Warning! Unit X-456(ALT) compromised! Self-defense mode engaging! [Command: Manual Override] Assume direct control of Unit X-456(ALT) ... (Error) Unable to assume direct control. Reason: Command Interface offline. … DANGER! Unit X-456(ALT) weapon systems compromised! Sword spell armed! [Command: Emergency Override] Deactivate Unit X-456(ALT) Emergency Code: (HEART) ... (Error) Unit X-456 not responding to commands. Reason: Command Interface offline. DANGER! DANGER! SWORD SPELL UNSTABLE! WEAPON DETONATION IMMINENT! CODE: VENOM! DANGER! DANGE- … … Unit X-456(ALT) Connection lost. Reason: (Error) … System Ready
Vice had seen the Enclave's FB-05 Flutterbirds before but not one like this. It was painted all white with gold trimming surrounding it. The landing gear was wrapped in gold bands and the wings were covered in greenish-blue solar panels. The tail of the craft was also greenish-blue and had a ball turret hanging underneath it like some kind of stinger. But that wasn't the first thing that crossed Vice's mind when he saw it.
"Looks like a windowless white sky van."
Dan stopped. He squinted, looking at the craft's features. "Huh… I don't really see it. Haven't you flown in these before?"
"A lot actually," Vice said. "Just not one that looked so… creepy."
"Pfft, there's nothing creepy about it, doktor," Dan slapped him on the back. "I've got some candy in the front seat. Want some?"
Vice had felt uncomfortable since stepping into the elevator this morning. Now, he was uncomfortable in a different way. "Do you think we can stop by the executor's office before we leave?"
"Why's that?" Dan asked as he opened the hatch to the Flutterbird.
"Oh, no reason," Vice said, not moving. "Just wanted to see about filing a restraining order or two."
"Good luck with that. The DA happens to be my roomie and the only orders he approves are for takeout. Now, let's get going."
The doctor took one last look at the hospital behind him. He knew just about every room in the building like the back of his hoof. The staff members, his fellow doctors, nurses and aids, the custodians and maintenance workers, even some of the patients he had to treat more frequently he thought of like his family. They were his family and the most he could do to help them right now was to get someone else to cover for him while he went off on some crazy errand. Taking a deep breath, he reminded himself he was doing this for them and stepped on board the helicopter and closed the hatch behind him.
The interior of the Flutterbird was dimly-lit, another difference from the last time one he'd seen. The usual jump seats lined both of the walls in the same white, gold and blue colors of the fuselage. He looked around, trying to see which seat was available, where he was supposed to sit.
"Woohooo! Get strapped in, boys and girls! It's time to fly!" the voice from earlier announced. Vice climbed his way through the compartment over to the front of the craft. "Not often we get a guest joinin' us,!" the pilot looked over his seat at Vice. "Ole Dan's not usually the type to bring on a plus one, if you catch my drift. Count yourself lucky you're flying with me."
"Thanks?" Vice said, taking a seat behind and in between the pilot and copilot's chair. Being in the middle of the cockpit meant that he could see out of both sides of the viewport but unfortunately it also meant both Dan and Vice could see him.
"Captain Waylon of the thirteenth Rubinelle airborne! Well, formerly, anyway," the pilot said, extended a hand back to Vice. "It's not every day you get to ride with hotshots like me. You'll be able to tell all your friends you flew with the best."
Vice reluctantly grabbed his hand and shook. "Okay..." From his appearance, Vice could tell Waylon was one of Dan's associates. The human was taller and built a little more like a soldier than Dan was but had the same attitude. His hair was propped up in a pompadour that had too much spray or gel in it. He wore a sleeveless shirt with a huge winged skull logo over it and a pair of black sunglasses. If he was a captain of anything, he didn't act like it and he didn't care.
"So, you with IDS or something?" Waylon asked. He turned to Dan. "He ain't with the twelfth, is he?"
"He's with MSF," Dan clarified. "And he's our ticket to something very special- the rebel's secret weapon."
"Is that right?" Waylon asked, excited. "So, he leads us to it and we swipe it, take it back to the Empire and they treat us like royalty?"
Dan grinned. "Something like that."
"Hehey, count me in, brother! A quick smash-and-grab and the Empresses will treat us like heroes. Let's fly!" he began flipping switches and pulled down a lever. The Flutterbird lifted off the ground and took flight so quickly it nearly knocked Vice out of his seat. He hastily buckled his safety restraints as the aircraft flew into the skies above Canterlot.
Dan casually buckled his own seatbelt. "It's not going to be that easy. The weapon's a giant robot."
Waylon looked over at his copilot. "''Scuse me?"
Vice's eyes went wide as he gripped the chair. "Watch the signs- WATCH THE SIGNS!"
"What si-oh, whoa," Waylon said, calmly pulling up to avoid crashing through a billboard. "Hey, no backseat flyin', now."
"Then keep your eyes forward!" Vice yelled, still gripping the seat. "What the heck kind of a pilot are you if I have to tell you not to hit things?!"
"Now, what did I just say?" Waylon asked. He turned to Dan again. "We really need this guy?"
Dan folded his arms. "We do. Like I said, he's our ticket to the robot. It's in zebra territory and we're going to use the good doctor's MSF clearance to get us past their air defenses. Once we're in, you drop us off and we hijack the bot, reprogram it for our lovely lady overlords. Then, we walk out like we own the place all the way back to Canterlot, which we will then walk into like we own the place. After that, hopefully Celestia will give us a… place to own."
"Sounds good, brother man! Hijack, hightail, highlife- let's get it on," Waylon said.
"That is a crappy plan," Vice said. "That is a very crappy plan."
"It's a perfect plan."
"I feel like you just read a set of microwave instructions and then replaced the steps with the last five things you heard," Vice said.
Dan scoffed. "Like you'd even know how to use a microwave in that cheap-assed AIDS clinic you run."
Vice unbuckled his restraints and stood. "The buck did you say about my hospital?"
"Sit down," Dan brushed him off and turned his chair forward. "You're probably the only half-decent pony doctor in the whole Empire so don't hurt yourself."
The doctor grabbed his chair and spun him around. "DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MY STAFF YOU JACKBOOTED GREASEBALL MORON!"
The human sighed and unbuckled his restraints. "I guess we're doing this now, then." He stood up and poked a finger on the pony's chest. "Ya know how I know you're not going to do anything?"
"Because I'm a doctor?"
Dan held up a small blade. "Because I've got a knife."
Vice held up a tool of his own. "And I have a scalpel."
"Hahahaha," Dan laughed, genuinely surprised but not at all intimidated. "Look at the two of us. See? It's like I told you- we are a lot a like."
Vice rolled his eyes. "Oh, well why don't I just go out and find a shiny, red ribbon? So I have something pretty to tie it with when I have a fuck to give."
All of a sudden, the craft pitched and the two were thrown to the floor. They fell on top of each other, their would-be weapons scattering to the floor. Vice quickly pushed Dan off of him.
"Both of ya, siddown and shuddup. It's going to be a long enough trip without you two trying to kill each other in my helicopter," Waylon said, not bothering to turn back and look at them. "And no knives. I have to clean up in here every five minutes anyway or we're gonna get ants."
Vice steadied himself on the chair with a puzzled look on his face. "How the heck do you get ants in a helicopter?"
"Flying magic insects, probably," Dan said, sitting back down and buckling himself in. "An offshoot of parasprites or breezies, maybe. Little bugs that inhabit the upper atmosphere or Cloudsdale and climb into wherever they can smell food."
Waylon looked over his shoulder. "Not really, pardner. Yeah, 'questria's got a lot of freaky bugs and whatnot but these are just ants."
Dan's face went blank. He lifted his feet off the floor. "You actually got ants in your helicopter?"
The pilot grinned mischievously. "Maybe they smelled some of the candy you left in here."
Vice just sighed. It seemed like the trip was just going to keep finding ways to get worse as it went on. He sat back in his chair, trying to relax.
"Welp, we're 'bout an hour from the zebra border so Ima turn on the radio," Waylon said, switching a dial on the controls.
"NO, NO, you don't understand what I'm saying! I AM a gator fan and I AM calling!"
"And I'M TELLING YOU, you're calling just to call! That defeats the purpose of calling and saying you're a gator fan!"
"NO IT DOESN'T! Because you said- because you said-"
"I said gator fans don't have the guts to call in! And all you're doing is calling in!"
"WHICH PROVES THAT GATOR FANS HAVE THE GUTS TO CALL!"
"WHO CALLS IN JUST TO CALL?!!! WHO DOES THAT??!! YOU ARE NOT A GATOR FAN IF YOU'RE CALLING JUST TO SAY YOU'RE-"
"I'M A GATOR FAN AND I'M CALLING!!!!"
"AAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
"RAAAAAHHHHH!"
Waylon turned off the radio. "I guess maybe we'll just have some peace and quiet." The three mismatched allies each relaxed their own way as the Flutterbird flew north to the border with the Zebra Republic.
A few minutes later, Waylon turned back on the radio and tuned in to a country music station. Dan listened to his MP3 player while Vice tried to find some solitude just sitting in the cockpit. His mind kept going back to all the patients yet to be helped. He didn't know for sure if Lightning had evacuated the staff yet; he couldn't imagine he'd had enough time with so many ponies and humans in critical condition. His heart kept telling him he should be there. He could only keep reminding himself he was doing this for them, for all of them and that he'd be back to see them soon. Very soon.
After an hour of flying, they were finally at the edge of Imperial territory. "We're comin' up on the border now," Waylon announced. "Get ready with the comms, Dan. Let 'em know we're carrying a VIP."
"They'll probably need to hear my voice for confirmation," Vice said.
Dan looked over his shoulder at Vice while putting on his headset. "If they want to hear from you, I'll let you know."
Vice sat back down, folding his arms. Maybe the humans would trust him when the zebras were about to shoot them down.
Dan's expression changed from quizzical frown to concern as he adjusted the comms, listening on the headphones. "Something's wrong."
"What?"
Vice sighed. "Don't tell me. We won the Billy Joel tickets, didn't we?"
"No, something else," Dan said, not bothering to acknowledge the joke. "I'm not picking up any radio frequencies."
Waylon looked over to him. "You check the high and low bands?"
"I've checked everything," Dan said, worry in his voice. "There's not even a broadcast from the emergency channels."
"Maybe they switched to digital," Vice suggested, though he was now getting concerned, too.
"That wouldn't make a difference," Dan said. "We'd be able to pick it up either way. It's like all the broadcast channels just… disappeared."
"Well, we're about to exit the neutral zone. Once we cross the border to the Zebra Republic we can… we…" his voice trailed off. "What in the name of Rubinelle?"
Vice could see it through the viewport from where he was sitting but he had to stand anyway. Dan stood as well, his headset hitting the floor as he got up. All three of them stared, mouths agape at the sight of the Zebra Republic before them.
Or, rather, the sight of what it had become. The green of the jungles beneath them stopped right at the border of the Zebra Republic. What stretched on after that was a sea of glittering, silvery sand. It was like an endless ocean of crystal shards blanketing every direction. Very quickly, they lost their bearings just as easily as if they were heading out to sea.
"What happened?" Dan asked.
"The Zebra Republic… it's gone," Vice answered. The doctor was the only one of them to actually have visited the Zebra Republic before but most ponies and humans had at least seen pictures. The zebras were peaceful, pacifist and very industrious. Their cities were massive jungle plateaus that were built on the canopies of trees. Zebropolis, the capital, had been built on the largest of these plateaus with several trees around it that functioned as skyscrapers and shade for the city below.
But now it was all gone. In place of the green Long Grass Highways was just a desert of crystalline bits. They shimmered like gemstones as the light hit them creating waves of rainbows that rolled across the ground. Pools of aurora stretched up like a strange crystal smoke and rose into the sky. Even the clouds above shown hues of the strange crystals below.
"Where are the cities? The towns?" Dan asked.
"They're all gone," Vice said.
"Are we sure this is the Republic?"
Waylon checked his instruments. "Coordinates are correct, there's just… no Zebra Republic. Not even a meteor strike coulda done somethin' like this."
Vice's and Dan's eyes both went wide at the same time. "The weapon!"
"The Magic Gear… it must've done this," Vice said.
"No… that's not possible," Dan said, shaking his head. "You said it could take out an entire city but this is the whole continent. There's not even ashes!"
"No smoke, no fire, no nothing," Vice said. "No survivors."
"Wait," Waylon said, leaning forward. "I think I see something. A flare."
A thin trickle of blue smoke, unlike the auroras around them was rising up from an indentation in the glitter. The Flutterbird flew closer and as it came into view, they realized it was three other Flutterbirds in a small triangle formation on the ground.
"Signal them. Signal them," Vice said, fear almost choking him up. If there was any chance of survivors, they would probably be hurt.
Dan held the headset up to his ear. "They're telling us to land. Might as well; maybe they know what happened."
Their own Flutterbird flew down to the formation of the others, its wings blowing away a lot of the crystal bits below them. Several ponies were surrounding the choppers, carrying equipment that looked like metal detectors. The landing gear sank into the shards but didn't get too deep, allowing them to take off again if they needed to. Vice got out of the hatchway first, followed by Dan.
"We're too late, doctor," Lightning Claw said as the two approached. "It's not your fault," the alicorn said, picking up a hooful of shards and letting them pour to the ground. "We never anticipated anything like this."
Dan eyed several of the Enclave ponies milling about. He waved at a spring-green one. "Good to see you again, captain."
The green pony, a mare, just glared back at him but said nothing. All around them, they took samples of the shards and swept with their detectors, searching for anything that might be left.
"So the weapon did do this?" Vice asked. "Your Magic Gear?"
"Not mine," Lightning said, still looking at the shards. "Yours."
Vice took a step back. "Come again?"
"I'm sorry for deceiving you, doctor but the Conductor was afraid you might be reluctant if you knew the truth. The Magic Gear is, well, an invention created by you. Or, rather, a different version of you from an alternate dimension."
Vice's mouth hung open. He felt like he had been shot. All around him, the shards were beginning to make him feel dizzy. He wanted to throw up.
"ANOTHER Vice Grip?" Dan asked. "You mean there's actually a universe where this guy actually does something useful?"
Lightning just smiled at the man. "As do you, Dan. As do you."
Vice was still too stunned to speak. Part of him couldn't help but feel responsible for this, even if it had only been an alternate version of him. "An alternate version of me did this… but… why?"
"I can't tell you much," Lightning said, patting the doctor's foreleg. "Suffice to say, the concerns of our own universe must take precedence."
"You!" Vice shook off Lightning's hoof. "You summoned it here! You… you and the Conductor, the Resistance, you're responsible for all of this!"
"Calm down, doctor."
"No! You wanted me to be involved and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED?! Did anything, did anyone even survive?!"
"Doctor, please," Lightning grabbed him again. "It's more complicated than you realize."
"I'll bet," Vice said.
"The Zebra Republic helped the Conductor summon the Magic Gear here. They're part of the Resistance, they always have been," Lightning explained.
"Ha!" Dan laughed. "Called it."
Lightning continued as Vice started to calm down. "But the zebras were worried that the weapon was too powerful. The Resistance was only planning on using it as a bluff, a way to negotiate with the Solar Empire on even terms. The zebras however, didn't think a weapon this powerful should even exist. Before we could get here, they tried to disassemble it. The Conductor told them not to but… they did anyway. And this happened."
"They… they blew themselves up?" Vice asked. "Just trying to get rid of a weapon, they blew themselves up with it?"
Lightning Claw nodded solemnly. "Minister Zeal informed us he ordered a team of technicians to remove the Sword Spell, the Magic Gear's horn-weapon that gives it the power to… do this. That was the last we heard from him before we lost contact. Before this happened. They were going to give us the rest of the Magic Gear once they disposed of the nuke but apparently, it would seem they unintentionally detonated it while attempting to remove it."
"Hahahaha!" Dan laughed. "What a riot. The hippies try to get stop the rebels and the imps from blowing each other up and they wind up destroying themselves. I love it. The Empresses themselves would kill for this kind of entertainment."
"They often do," Lightning said stoically.
"So… you wanted me to get Magic Gear for you. Because… I built it?" Vice asked.
Lightning shrugged. "More or less. We were hoping it would recognize you as its creator and obey your commands. As a neutral party, you could even oversee the negotiations between the Resistance and the Solar Empire. No one would have to get hurt, we could sign a treaty to recognize the Resistance's control over the territories we have and end the war."
"Not a bad plan," Dan admitted. "Apart from using the good doctor here, I'd say it was a pretty good strategy."
"But why did you have to use me?" Vice asked.
Dan sighed. "He just told you, dingus. You can tell the robot what to do."
Vice held up a hand. "But if you could summon anything, why couldn't you just summon the other Vice Grip, err, the other me?"
Lightning gave a small smile at the doctor. "We try to interfere with other universes as little as possible. That being said, we did consider inviting your counterpart to join us… but I think we may have found him less than agreeable."
"Ha, pacifism. Must be a common trait with you in every universe," Dan scoffed.
The alicorn looked down his muzzle at the human. "You have no idea."
"General," the green Enclave pony trotted up to him. She carried a large machine in her hooves that looked like a microwave. "Sir, we've picked up its trail."
Lightning examined the device. "Very good, Captain Springer. What can you tell us?"
"Wait," Vice held up his hand. "What do you mean 'trail'?"
Dan spun around on its heels. "Don't tell me that thing actually…"
Springer pointed to the screen on top of the machine. "Looks like damage to an actuator, perhaps one or more of the limbs. We've found hydraulic fluid and a good amount of potion in the area. And tracks are uneven from what we can tell."
Lightning nodded. "Probably a limp. What's east of here?"
"The Siphres River's still flowing, from what we can tell and the crystallization hasn't affected it. Our only guess is it survived because it flows into the Empire as well," Springer said.
The alicorn just shook his head. "Terrible weapon," he hooved the device back to her. "All right, upload a course to the doctor's bird."
"Aye, sir."
"What's going on?" Dan and Vice asked simultaneously in the most clueless voice you can imagine. Like, eyes-wide, mouth almost but not quite trembling clueless.
"From what we can tell, the Magic Gear's damaged, heading to a water source. It's probably still in self-defense mode which means it will treat anything it comes across as a threat. If it follows the river south, it'll be heading for the Empire. And you know what that will mean," Lightning said grimly.
"It actually survived?" Vice asked. "It survived all this?"
Lightning nodded. "It was at the epicenter of the blast. Got pretty banged up we think, but it's still functional. Its first goal will be to try and repair the damage but we don't know how extensive it is- whether it will be able to repair itself on its own or not- so we're sending you to go get it. When it sees you, you will probably be able to deactivate its self-defense protocols and we can retrieve it before it does damage."
Dan smiled, impressed. "That's one tough machine if it can take a blast like this and keep walking. But wait- can it still do things like this if it's still active?!" he gestured all around them. "And you're sending us after it?! No thanks- I'm out."
"It'll need time before its Sword Spell can regenerate, especially if the horn was damaged," Lightning said.
"The Sword Spell," Vice repeated. "That's what did all this? And it's REGENERATING?"
Lightning nodded solemnly. "We have to get to it before the Empire does or they may be able to reverse-engineer it. We also shouldn't stay here long."
"Why not?" the pair asked simultaneously. "You know, apart from the fact that there's a killer robot on the loose," Dan said.
Lightning donned an Enclave helmet while he continued speaking. "Our analysis indicates the Sword Spell is a genocidal weapon. It's part dark magic, part nuclear doomsday bomb. It erased everything that was the Zebra Kingdom and reduced it into hyper-condensed magic, these crystals under your hooves. The only landforms that are left unaffected are the ones that affect major regions in other places. But even the memory of the zebras is being erased, drained into the aurora in order to create more crystals."
Vice's mouth went agape. He raised his hand to his head, trying to feel if there was some absence, something he'd forgotten there. He tried to remember back. Yes, it was the Zebra Republic, not a kingdom. He had colleagues here… or rather, he'd had colleagues here before. He remembered Cross-Eye, a cheery doctor zebra who wore thick-rimmed glasses and spoke with an equally thick accent. He was the first zebra Vice had met, his friend. He didn't want to forget him.
Dan tapped his chin. A cutaway shot of the goateed human's head revealed he was wondering what happened to the valuables, if any, that the species that lived here once had. He tried to remember what the species was called… but then he remembered he didn't care. They all looked alike to him, anyway, every four-legged thing. Did they have four legs? What was he thinking about again? The image of a pie entered the vacant recesses of his mind, golden crust in a silvery tin. Steam wafted from the top, alluding to the delicious flavors within.
"Mmm… pickleberry," Dan muttered.
Lightning regarded Dan from under his helmet. "Riiiight. Anyway, we're transmitting coordinates to your Flutterbird. You'll be able to track it based on the hydraulic and power fluids it's leaking, should lead you right to it," he said. Other resistance and Enclave ponies gathered around them, slowly. They were all suited up.
"And when we find it?" Vice asked. "What do I do to convince I'm… the other guy?"
The alicorn smiled, though it couldn't be seen from under his face mask. "You'll think of something, doctor."
"Argy darky larky, let's get going," Dan said, turning back to his Flutterbird. He stopped without moving a single inch forward. Someone in front of him blocked him to the point where he couldn't even see around to the bird.
And he was pointing a gun at him. "Sorry, pardner. 'Fraid you're just gonna have to stick around."
Dan smiled, slowly raising his hands. "How much is the Resistance paying you, Waylon?"
"A."
"A what?"
"A lot, brother man," Waylon said, mouthing the words slowly and deliberately. "A whole lot. Head on into the 'bird, doctor. We'll be a long shortly."
Vice looked at Dan. The human could only offer him a shrug. He turned back to Waylon. "What if I say no?"
Waylon turned the gun casually to Vice.
"Okay, getting back in the clown car. You guys have fun. I might turn on the radio again. Nice knowing you Dan!" the doctor quickly scrambled through the hatch and shut the door.
"I'm sorry 'bout this, Danny," Waylon said, pointing the gun back his way.
"No, you're not."
"Aw, don't be like that. Not like we're gonna shoot ya, anyway. Not when you know so much about the Empire," Waylon said.
Dan chuckled awkwardly. "You're gonna pump me for intel?" he looked over his shoulders. All the Enclave ponies had weapons trained on him, the bulky magnifying glass lasers the Resistance usually favored worn on their hooves were all aimed at him. "I don't know anything about the Empire. I forget my own birthday sometimes, Waylon. You know that."
Waylon quirked a smile. "Only cuz you lie about your age to get the senior discount at movies."
"I bought you popcorn a couple of times."
"And ate most of it on most occasions," Waylon countered.
"You know too much about our operations already, Dan," Lightning Claw said behind him. "The choice is yours, Dan. You can either come with us, tell us what undoubtedly little you do know and we can resettle you in Appleloosa or one of the other Resistance-controlled territories. We might even liberate a resort soon and you can have a hotel suite. Alternatively, we shoot you, vaporize your body and let the memory of you fade along with everything else in the north territory."
Dan nodded. "I think I like option 'A' better. Just, one thing, first."
"What's that, Danny boy?"
The goateed human dropped his arms, relaxing. "You're gonna need the keys to the Flutterbird if you go."
"Ah," Waylon's eyebrow quirked. "Didn't realize you had 'em. Well, fork 'em over. AH-AH-" he stopped him as Dan reached for his pocket. He aimed the gun for Dan's head. "Slowly now."
"Relax," Dan grinned sheepishly. "I just agreed to the resettlement, anyway. There's no need for hostility."
"Uh huh," Waylon kept the gun on him. "I'll believe that when you're bound, gagged and far away. Until then, hands where I can see them."
"Pffft, fine," Dan carefully, slowly, deliberately reached into his pocket and got out the keys.
"Ain't those the keys to your car?"
"They're the keys to a lot of things, actually," Dan said. He accidentally hit a button on the keychain.
*Rurrb-rurrb* The lights flashed on the bird's fuselage, indicating that the door locks had engaged.
Waylon spun around. "What? You locked the doors!"
"Ooops, sorry," Dan said. He walked up quickly to Waylon's side. "Let me get it." He pointed the key at the aircraft.
"You keep screwin' around with the things and you're gonna- HEY!" Waylon yelped as Dan grabbed him by the neck and spun around. Without the cell phone attached, the keychain only carried a single charge for the phaser in the lens. It would have to be enough. He aimed the key at one of the Enclave's Flutterbirds and pressed the button.
*pssshhrrrrr--- rrrrrrrBRABOOOOM!!!* The phaser blast hit the Flutterbird's external fuel tank under the tail, heating it to impossibly hot levels and igniting it in the space of a second. The Flutterbird exploded into a fireball, blasting away the Enclave ponies assembled in front of it and knocking the other Flutterbirds over. Debris rained out from the explosion, pelting Dan's own craft but doing no damage.
Dan smiled and pushed Waylon off of him. He'd used his former associate as a human shield, effectively protecting him from the blast.
Vice Grip felt the blast but already had his restraints on. The explosion shook the Flutterbird, knocked a few things loose from the overhead compartments but otherwise did no damage. He looked around frantically, unsure of whether to get up or hide underneath something. The sound of the hatch opening caused him to turn in his chair.
"You strapped in, doctor?"
"Yes,- hey! What the hell blew up back there?"
Dan shut the hatch and and climbed into the pilot's seat. "Your friends in the Resistance have just been delayed, permanently. Hang on, doctor. We're going to go get your robot." He pressed several buttons and pulled the same lever Waylon did. The Flutterbird lifted off once again and with the coordinates Lightning had uploaded, they took to the skies, leaving behind them a smoldering crater in the middle of the wasteland. Vice decided not to ask further about what happened behind them.
Both the lenses on Waylon's glasses had been broken by the blast but he adjusted them anyway, standing and dusting himself off.
Captain Springer helped Lightning to stand, carrying him away from the burning wreck of his aircraft. "He's crafty, I'll give him that."
"Crafty, huh?" Waylon said, making no effort to hide the annoyance in his voice. "You're givin' him crafty, great. Good for him. What are you givin' me to go after him?"
"Nothing," Lightning said.
"What?!"
"Sir," Captain Springer interrupted, "your leg is broken. We need to radio for a med-evac."
"I'm fine," Lightning assured her, ignoring the pain in his legs and his back. "Radio for the evac. We're not pursuing Dan and the doctor."
Waylon folded his arms. "And what does this mean?"
The alicorn tore off the charred remains of his helmet. Underneath it revealed a scarred face that somehow looked as if a mask had come off. Lightning smiled an unsettling grin that made Waylon a bit concerned. The image of fire burned in his eyes- whether it was reflecting off of them… or coming from somewhere deep within, the human did not care to know.
"It means everything is going according to plan, captain. Now, we just need to call the Conductor and tell her everything is on schedule."
Beginning System Diagnostic… Report: Damage detected Overall damage: 17% Armor compromised: 22% Leg Drive Motor Damaged: 19% SWORD Depleted Forward Hydraulics Damage: 15% Core Coolant Damage: 9% Structural Damage Detected: 12% Diagnostic complete. Unit X-456(ALT) has sustained damage. Auto-repair functions initiated. Estimated time until unit returns to optimum functionality: 42:33.58 I… am hurt. I must… fix myself somehow. Unable to connect to network. Network status negative. Communications diagnostic reports reception functioning. Network status negative. No network detected. I am alone. Where am I? This place feels familiar… yet not. No databank entry detected. No information available. Location unknown. I'm lost, alone and injured. How can I repair the damage by myself? Error- auto repair function already initiated. Estimated time until optimum functionality: 42:33.40 Error- unit will not be able to return to full operational functionality without facility assistance. Optimum functionality for operations: 80% Current functionality: 64% I… I can't fix myself completely unless I get back home. And I don't know where home is. I… I need to rest. Alert! Long-range sensors detect unidentified inbound on approach vector. Classification: FB-05 Flutterbird Assault Gunship A Flutterbird? Is it Vice? One of the others? Bogey is not broadcasting IFF signal. Status: IFF signal is being jammed. Assume intent is hostile. It's not them… then who is it? What do they want from me? Analysis: FB-05 armament data found. Displaying data: Twin long-range "Firequill" missiles(x8) "Pop Rocket" Anti-Armor unguided rocket system(x24) Dual mounted medium "Infernal" laser cannons(x2) "8-ball" anti-pursuit tail-mounted turret(x1) Threat level: Moderate. Alert- System damaged. All threats reclassified: Maximum Hostile. They have a lot of firepower… and they're coming for me. What can I do? Suggested course of action:…….. Evasion? Negative. System damaged- unable to evade. Open communications? Negative. Target is jamming communications. Hostile intent confirmed. What can I do? Do I have any defenses? Negative. Defensive countermeasures offline. I don't want to fight them… I don't want to hurt anypony else. What do I do? Suggested course of action: Intercept and engage. No… no, I don't want to hurt anyone. Alternative actions unavailable. Necessary action: Intercept and engage. NO! I won't attack anything else! I'm not going to do any more damage!! Self-defense override initiated. Launching Surface-to-Air missiles. STOP IT! STOP IT! Error. STOOOOPP!! Error.
"What the heck happened back there?! What did you do?!"
"What I had to," Dan said, smirking at Vice over his shoulder.
"You blew them up?!"
"Calm yourself, doctor. I did what was necessary."
"Oh yeah, I believe that," Vice said, exasperated. "If there's a chance to kill someone and get away with it, I'm sure it's necessary to you."
"We got away, didn't we?" Dan asked over his shoulder. "And I still have candy up here. You want to split half of my Toblerpone?"
Vice folded his arms. "No, I don't want any of your Toblerpone," he turned away. "You could've gone with them. They could've relocated you, I could've gone on my way and we would never have seen each other again."
"Aw, but I like you," Dan said. "I told you already, we're-"
"A lot alike, yeah, you mentioned it. Except that's a load of crap. I don't go around abducting, blowing up and murdering people."
Dan gave him a knowing look. "That's not what I meant."
"Ugggghhhh," Vice sighed. "Then what did you mean?"
"Well, little things," Dan turned his attention back to the controls. "We're both good at what we do and we enjoy it. We're professionals."
"I do what I do to help people," Vice stated. "You do what you do to help yourself."
"True, but I also help people in my own way. And you also help yourself doing what you do," Dan said.
"I think the Resistance might disagree with you."
Dan turned around again. "Of course. Just as the Empire might disagree with a certain hospital treating certain patients they don't want treated. That's another way we're alike: we're not afraid to break the rules."
Vice didn't say anything to that. It was true he and the other doctors were going against the Solar Empire by treating the Resistance. They all knew it, did it anyway. They agreed long ago that helping people, that doing good went beyond any rule, any regulation, anything. Politics became confusing: both sides were often right and wrong in their own ways. Doing good in the world didn't take a side… or at least, that is what they believed. But was it true?
The Solar Empire had done things that were undeniably cruel, sinister but no more than the Terran Empire had. And both factions promoted order where otherwise there would be only chaos and despair. Sure, they had slaves and the slaves didn't live well but it was no worse than the Egyptians. And the Resistance had done bad things, too. They had persecuted prisoners wrongly, detained innocents suspected of loyalty to the Empire and often their attacks disrupted Vice's own hospital. But… they had mostly apologized for those things, done stuff to make up for them.
Were there really good guys and bad guys here? Maybe this was a black-and-white issue. Doctors like him operated in the gray… and too often it only led to more red. Maybe Lightning was right; maybe the best thing to do right now was to get involved, do the right thing, stop supporting a regime that only caused harm. But if Dan knew this, why would he-
"Another way we're alike," Dan said, breaking Vice's contemplation. "When you kill somebody, it's an accident. When I kill somebody, I have to make it look like an accident. You know, usually. We're both surgeons in a way, you catch my drift?"
Vice tapped his chin. "You had something for a moment, with the first two. But then you lost it. Seriously, you're comparing the few times our medicine has failed to your political killings. I'm not a psychiatrist but I'm going to recommend you to a buddy of mine," he said, getting out his notepad again.
"I wasn't always trying to kill them," Dan said, his voice suddenly sincere. "They send me after a lot of people, a lot of ponies. Put down an uprising, shake down a business owner, beat down a rebel rouser. By day, enforcer. By night, hit man. It's… not always easy."
For the first time, Vice started to notice how stressed Dan looked. The unkempt goatee and hair, the dirty shirt and clothes, the pair of crocs that look worn down to the heel. The realization hit him hard. "You're a slave."
Dan turned around again. This time, his eyes seemed like they were almost watering. "They were going to kill me. I told them, just like you told me that there was a weapon they could use. I took them to my bomber, told them I could unlock everything for them and they could use it against Terra. And they did. I betrayed my entire race to Twilight and the Empresses… and they rewarded me by sparing my life."
Vice was stunned. "I… I'm sorry."
"Heh," Dan chuckled. "No Terrans are free any more. No one in the Empire is free- not me, not Twilight, not the Empresses. It's a machine of conquest and control and we're all a part of it. We try to escape and it crushes us; that's just the way it's always been, Terran and Solar Empire. Some of us have shorter leashes than others but we're all bound to it."
"You don't have to be bound to it," Vice said. "I might live in the Empire but I don't do what they say. That's where we're different. I'm not suggesting you join the Resistance but you could move. After we take care of the weapon, we could set this bird down somewhere in the Griffon Regions, drop you off in one of the balancing cities and you could disappear. Leave all of this… this violence and oppression behind you. Start over."
"That's not an option for me," Dan stated gruffly. "Not for a human. You, you're a pony. You take off those prosthetics and you'll be just like any other for-legged creature around here."
Vice held up his right prosthetic. "I wear these gloves to remind me of what we can do when we work together. Each finger is like a… hoof, kind of. Alone, they can still push buttons, move things but together," he spread the digits out, flexed them and then brought them close together. "We can do anything. And I can help you disappear."
Dan turned around again. "How?"
"Reconstructive surgery. A friend of mine, lives in the broken bow of an aircraft carrier, he can give you a new face."
The human looked quizzical. "Would I really have to go through surgery?"
"Well, there are other options. There are potions and other things we could use to alter your skin pigment, possibly modify a bit of your facial features, musculature and skeletal structure without surgery," Vice said, thinking. "It's going to be a bit more complicated making potions now that the Zebra Republic is gone."
"Ze-what?" Dan asked.
"The Zebra Republic," Vice repeated, anger in his voice, though not directed at Dan. "It's the place that used to be all around us, the ashes of the nation we're flying over right now!"
"Oh," Dan said. "Never heard of it."
Vice sighed and slumped back into his chair. Why was he able to remember the Zebra Republic if Dan couldn't? Was he the only one who remembered them? Suddenly, he realized he might be the only being that even remembered what a zebra was. He frantically pulled out his notepad and began writing. He jotted down every note he could about zebras, the Republic, who and what they were, his friend Dr. Cross-Eye, everything he could remember. He realized some of it might not be right but he didn't care. This might be the only chance he had.
"The Zebra Republic," Vice said out loud. "It was the nation established by the zebras following the Consolidation Wars. Zebras are known for their peaceful nature and pacifism as outlined by some of their philosophical leaders like Minister Zen Zeal." Vice flipped the page, began drawing the zebras. It then came to his knowledge that this might be the only chance he had to catalogue the genus of the entire species of zebras. He held his hand up to his head, almost crying. So much knowledge, so much culture and history and all of it was gone.
He finished when he ran out of note space. He flipped back to the previous pages to review.
"Huh…? What?" he asked shocked. "No… no," he flipped through the notepad, the one he'd just written down everything he could remember about the zebras. The pages were blank. "No! NO!!!"
"What's wrong?" Dan asked.
"Every… everything," Vice's voice trembled.
"Uh…"
"Everything's gone! It's all gone!" Flipping frantically, he turned back to the page he'd just finished. The diagram of a zebra, one he'd tried to sketch with as much detail as he could of a standard zebstallion, was changing color. The graphite from his pencil was changing color from gray into the same rainbow aurora of the sky, a mix of colors that ebbed and flowed like a thin soup. The picture evaporated off the page in front of Vice's eyes, pouring like sand from the page into tiny chroma specs and then into nothingness. The next thing that hit the note pages were his own tears. They stained the thin, white sheets and would make writing anything else on them nearly impossible, if they were even legible. The tears did not evaporate.
Vice threw the notepad agains the wall of the craft. "THIS. This is why I didn't want to get involved! This is why I HATE war!" he yelled. "All it does is take from us everything we've built, everything so many people fought for…"
Dan smirked. "You realize, they fought wars for that stuff, too, ya know?"
"Not wars," the doctor protested, sobbing into his gloves. "There are other ways to fight without taking lives. Without doing things like this."
"Heh. And if they worked, you and I both would be out of a job. I'll admit, a weapon that does this," he gestured out the cockpit, "is a tad extreme. But I've worked for two Empires so far and let me tell ya- war is the only thing they understand. Weapons are the language they speak, troop deployments, tactics and numbers are their very tongue. The only thing they respect even remotely is power," Dan said with some amount of confidence. "That's why we're going to speak to them on their own terms."
"So they'll build something like this?!" Vice yelled. "So they'll build more of these things and do this to more species across two planets? And more if and when they find them?! The weapon itself came from another universe- what if they go there next?!!"
"Calm. Down," Dan said. "We're going to make sure they'll never build another one."
"Oh yeah? And how's that?"
"We tell them the truth," Dan said. "We tell the Resistance and the Empire that if they don't stop the fighting, there's a bunch of these giant ponies that will blow them into literal oblivion if they don't stop. We show them what happened here, tell them it'll happen again unless they get along and we go on our separate ways."
"That is EXACTLY what HE wants to do! Down to the letter!"
"Nooooooo," Dan continued, "the Resistance wants to force the Imps into a treaty which they will never go for. We're going to force them into peace."
"WHICH IS THE SAME. EXACT. THING."
"Look, the Empire hates the Resistance. They don't want to acknowledge they exist and on paper, they don't. They claim every attack is either just another random uprising or disorganized rebellion. They will never give an opposing faction credibility."
"That's not what they said on the news," Vice muttered.
"Celestia and Luna will let Canterlot and Equestria get nuked before they agree to talking to the rebels. And they have another planet under their control so they can stand to lose one. But, if we tell them there's an entire alternate universe full of these things, the Empire gains another enemy, the Resistance loses a weapon and they're forced to be nice to each other for at least a little while," Dan said. "When the Empresses find out about another dimension, who knows? They might ignore the Resistance and try to conquer another planet entirely."
"That's not an end to the war," Vice said. "But this may be the beginning of the end to everything else."
Dan smirked, something of a twinkle in his eye. "You won't let that happen."
Vice was about to ask what he meant by that when a high-pitched siren started blaring inside the cockpit.
*DREEDREEEDREEEDREEEDREEEDREEEDREEE*
"What's that-"
"Missile lock!" Dan shouted. "HOLD ONTO SOMETHING!"
He didn't have time to react before Dan pulled the bird into a pitched turn to the right. Outside the craft, a missile almost half the size of the craft itself flared past them like an arrow set on fire.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Vice screamed as loose items were thrown to the wall of the vehicle. The restraints kept him in the seat but he felt his heart in his throat. The whole world was on its side, pulling him towards it as Dan continued the maneuver.
"Urrrrggh!!" Dan groaned to pull the controls in the opposite direction, causing the craft to bank left. Another missile flashed past, barely missing their right wings. "Ahhh! Haaa… haaa," Dan breathed. "Keep holding on, doctor!"
"I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE! I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!" Vice yelled.
Dan pushed the controls forward, forcing the craft closer to the ground. He hoped the missiles wouldn't be able to track them so close to the surface. If he put enough distance between them and the missiles before they caught up, they might be able to lose them. He wiped the sweat from his forehead; he hadn't been in combat, not in the air anyway, in a long time.
"You okay?"
"NO! NO, WE'RE GONNA GET SHOT DOWN!" Vice yelled.
"I got it, doctor," Dan said. "It's under control; I was a combat pilot back on Earth. We'll be all right."
"OH I DEFINITELY FEEL SAFE NOW!" Vice continued yelling. "I WAS SAFER WITH THE COWBOY GUY! GET HIM BACK HERE!"
"Heh," Dan laughed, wiping off more sweat from his brow. "Actually, Waylon's not very good when it comes to dodging Missiles units. It's one of the best ways to take him out on maps like-"
"Look… look!" Vice pointed.
Dan looked up from the controls to see what looked like a pony on the horizon. Only it wasn't on the horizon; it was just standing on the ground and they were flying directly towards it. "Oh mai gawd… it's a giant pony. It's an actual giant pony."
Ultimate Annihilation Independent Platform Magic Gear ALT FIST Special Operations Unit X-456
Dan barreled the Flutterbird as low as he could, skimming the beady surface of crystal as it flew towards the massive equine mech. Its neck was craned downward towards the lake, like it was drinking. But Dan knew robots didn't do that. Did they?
"GYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA!!" Vice yelled, gripping his seat with both hands.
"We've got to get on the ground, let it see you!" Dan yelled.
"Let it see me?! But it'll try to shoot me!!"
"In case you hadn't noticed, doctor, it's trying to shoot us now!" Dan yanked the controls, pulling the craft into a turn around the Magic Gear. He kept his eyes on the massive machine and saw the giant machine lift its head up to turn and look at them. The human felt something turn cold in the pit of his stomach as out of the corner of his eye, just as they passed it, he saw its left eye glare at them. A massive red orb, like a supernova around its own galaxy of icy shards. He swallowed.
"Okay, maybe we come up with another plan!"
"I have another plan!" Vice shouted. "We fly away as fast as we can and never look back! That's the plan!"
"Patience, doctor, we've come this far! There's no going back now!" Dan yelled, trying to sound more confident than he felt.
"THERE COULD BE GOING BACK IF YOU JUST GIVE ME THE CONTROLS!!"
Down on the ground, the Magic Gear turned to face them. Despite the damage she sustained from the zebras accidentally detonating her own Sword Spell while it was still connected to her, her sensors were still fully operational and continued to track the bogey. She was a mess in more ways than one; damage to her structure, severe damage to her front left leg and her horn dangled from her head, still connected by thick wires and cabling. The machine side of her may have been battle-ready but the filly side of her was exhausted and hurt physically and frustrated, alone, frightened and angry emotionally. The two parts of her personality coalesced into a single resolve to be done with the new threat quickly and find a way home.
Unknown to all but the Director, the Vice Grip from the prime universe had indeed based his design for the Magic Gears upon the defunct CIA Peacewalker Project. The remains of the original Peacewalker, Shagohod and even Metal Gear ZEKE were all back at the Prosperity Mountain Base and continued to be the basis for all functional Magic Gears, ALT included. The problem with these designs was that they had all been designed to operate at peak efficiency- defense was only a last resort. While Vice had worked to correct the work of Granin, Sokolov and Emmerich, some of the basic flaws of the design and programming remained. In many ways, prime Vice had not made any more progress than his predecessors.
But there was one way in which he had.
An explosion rocked the craft from behind, one of the missiles detonated. "I'm getting ready to land now!"
"No!"
Another explosion, the other missile. "Get ready to jump out!"
"NO!"
Dan pulled the Flutterbird around. "Doctor-"
"NO!" Vice screamed. "I'M NOT MOVING! I'M NOT MOVING! I'M-" As the craft turned to face the oncoming Gear, Vice finally got a good look at the machine. But it didn't look like a machine to him. He leaned forward in his chair, suddenly calm. "It's… it's…"
Twin miniguns on the shoulders of the colossal machine opened up. Two streams of bullets filled the space between the craft and the Gear. Dan pulled downward on the yolk, trying to get lower again. The hail of fire flew over the craft and quickly turned down to track it.
"It's firing at us, I know!" Dan yelled. Stray bullets pinged off the hull, broke through the windshield of the craft and hit the interior behind Vice.
"It's…"
"It's coming right at us, I know!"
"No," Vice shook his head, voice level. "It's hurt."
"GRAAAAAAAHHHH!" Too low. The leading edge of the Flutterbird pitched into the crystal surface and the rest of the craft went with it. The craft plowed its way through the crystals, carving a a path through the sea of gem shards. They didn't seem to slow down; the shards were less dense than dirt and lighter than they appeared. Both starboard wings snapped off, followed by the landing gear. The wings on the left side continued powering uselessly as the craft sailed past the Magic Gear all the way to the edge of the river.
Dan ducked his head as low as he could get it, putting it almost between his legs. Eyes closed and teeth gritted, he waited for the inevitable. Vice covered his face with his gloves, unable to do anything else.
Carried by its forward momentum, the Flutterbird plowed over the ledge and into the river. It splashed down into the purplish-blue inky substance.
"Ugh… ohhh…," Vice groaned. He unclipped his restraints as quickly as he could. "Dan… Dan…"
The human lifted his head up. The yolk had snapped off in his hands, he it to the floor. Water was already beginning to leak in from the cracks in the windshield. "Doctor… Vice?"
"Dan, are you all right?"
"Yeah," Dan said, rubbing his head. "With all the safety features installed on this thing, I'm surprised they didn't install a-" *BRRUUUZZSSH* The human's body was engulfed by a giant balloon.
"Airbag."
Vice pulled him out of the airbag, puncturing the sack in the process. The two had to steady each other against the slant of the craft. Shoulder to shoulder, they helped each other to the hatch and opened it.
The Flutterbird was designed for emergency situations like submersion. The hatch burst open against the water, breaking off its hinges. Dan and Vice swam out to the shore… where something was waiting for them.
Vice looked up at the massive mare staring down at them. "I'm guessing you're not with baggage claim."
The Magic Gear glared at the pair and aimed its twin miniguns in their direction.
Dan held up Vice's arm. "He's the one you want! LOOK! It's the guy that made you! You wouldn't fire on your own creator, would you?"
A hum filled the air as the minigun barrels began to spin.
"EEEEP!" Dan took the opportunity to hide behind Vice. At five-thousand RPM though, any round that went through Vice would also have gone through Dan and probably through what was left of the Flutterbird behind them.
Vice Grip didn't know much about weapons; they all did the same thing. So he didn't pay attention to the guns. He was busy diagnosing the Magic Gear. As it was about to fire, he held up a hand. "You're hurt. How did you get hurt?"
The spinning of the barrels was at its highest pitch now. But they didn't fire. The Magic Gear quirked its head at the two, just slightly, still glaring.
"I'm a doctor," Vice said, his voice loud. "My name is Vice Grip. Do you have a name?"
The machine quirked its head again. "You are not Vice Grip. Scan indicates point ninety-nine-point-oh-four percent DNA match, cognitive and behavioral analysis indicates zero point-oh-oh-four percent match."
"I'm not the Vice Grip you know of," Vice said. Dan continued to tremble behind him. "But I am the Vice Grip of this world. What is your name?"
The Magic Gear seemed to consider its options. Finally, it retracted its weapons but kept them deployed. "My designation is Unit X-456 assigned to FIST Special Operations Group Omega. Unit code is one-six-three-oh-nine."
"I," Vice started to speak, didn't know how to phrase the words.
"Be careful how you speak to that thing, doctor. We don't want it-"
"Let go of my arm," Vice shook him off.
"EEEEP!"
"Do you have a shorter name?" Vice asked. "Like, Exie or uh, Ruby or something? Not a number, a real name?"
The Magic Gear thought for a moment. "Subcommander Lightning Claw gave me another name. Alt." She paused again, then looked back to Vice. "My name is Alt."
"Alt," Vice repeated, smiling. "I guess that's appropriate. My name is Dr. Vice Grip, Alt. If you don't shoot me, I can help you."
The machine glared harder at him, then turned and started walking away. "You are not a certified FIST repair technician. You are not suitable to repair Magic Gear."
"Okay, good job, doctor. You got it to leave, now let's-"
Vice reached forward to stop it. "You're shifting your weight off of your left leg. You've got a joint fracture in your left shoulder, I can tell. I've treated a lot of those."
Alt stopped. She looked at her left shoulder, then turned back to them. "I am not a pony. I am a machine. You are a doctor. You are not an engineer. You would not… know how to fix me."
"It's…" Vice considered his words carefully. He had to admit, she was right. "You're right. I'm not an engineer. Hell, I don't even know how to set the clock on my VCR. But I can tell you're hurt, in pain. I can do everything I can to try and heal you. It might… it might help."
The massive machine looked down. The fragments of crystal reflected to her a different appearance of herself, like staring into a broken mirror. But maybe in the distorted reflection was an image of herself she needed to see. "Why would you help me?"
"I'm a doctor," Vice said. "It's my job, what I was meant to do."
"I am a weapon. This," she gestured all around her, "this is what I am meant to do. This is what I was built for, my job."
"Maybe you could get a new job," Vice said. "I do this because I want to. You didn't want to do all this, did you?"
She shook her head. "No. I… I don't want to cause any more harm."
"Then it doesn't sound like it's your job," Vice shrugged. "Look, we can't always choose what we have to do or where we have to go… but wherever we are, we try to do what's right. That's my job because I'm a doctor. And it's a doctor's job to make sure no further harm is done," he pointed at her leg. "But if you leave now, that fracture is only going to get worse. Now, are you going to keep talking about how I'm not the right guy or are you going to let me do my job?"
She thought again and this time, the decision took her a lot less time to make. "Okay."
"And uh, I'm his assistant!" Dan called out, finally stepping out from behind Vice. "Dr. Dan and Dr. Vice are here to uh, help!"
The Magic Gear regarded him with large, red glowing eyes.
Vice looked over to Dan. The human's expression was the kind of smile a bad insurance salesman would make, the kind of desperation you could see… and smell. He practically sweated a plea for help, mercy, anything as he did his best to hold the toothy grin as sincerely as possible and looked back to Vice.
"'Dr. Dan'? And you received a medical degree when?"
"Ummm…" Dan actually started to perspire. "Can I borrow one of yours?"
Vice sighed. "Okay, rule number one, you never lie to the patient."
Dan frowned. "But what about the times when-"
"You NEVER lie to the patient," Vice reiterated. "You focus on the positive, you work with what you have, you emphasize what good there is about a prognosis but you NEVER lie."
"But what if I-"
"Do you want to help or not, volunteer Dan?"
Dan's lip trembled. "Can I at least be Head Nurse Dan?"
Vice glared. "Do you have a nurse's license?"
"Paramedic Dan?"
"Are you a registered paramedic?"
"First responder Dan?"
"DO YOU EVEN KNOW CPR?!"
The human thought. "Is that the thing you said you can't set the clock on?"
"No, that's a VCR YOU IDIOT!" Vice yelled. "You're VOLUNTEER Dan and you're lucky I'm letting you be that."
"Okay, okay," Dan waved defensively. "So what do I get to do?"
Vice pointed at the river. "Go get the trauma kits and the toolbox out of the Flutterbird."
Dan looked back to the Flutterbird. Almost completely submerged, only its left wings were sticking out of the soupy-looking water that flowed south. "Can… can I be patient counselor Dan instead?"
The pony patted the reluctant human on the back. "No, but Alt here can pretend to be a lifeguard while you search the wreckage of our sinking helicopter for the supplies we need."
"I can't swim."
"Urrrrrgggggg," Vice groaned. "Time to learn."
After about twenty minutes of alternating yelling and screaming, Alt was beginning to regret her decision to let the pair help her. She calculated a ninety-nine percent probability that despite one of them claiming to be a doctor, they were both in fact morons. Still, she knew she wouldn't get far with her drive motor cracked and there wasn't anything else to look at except a sea of broken, shimmering beads for miles. So she watched the idiots splash frantically, struggle, hit things including each other and periodically come back up for air to shout angrily or in Dan's case, in terror.
At last, they returned to the shore. "I can't believe it…" Vice said, catching his breath.
"I know," Dan said, grabbing his knees. "We're alive."
"No, I CAN'T BELIEVE THE TOOLBOX WAS FULL OF YOUR STUPID CANDY!!"
"Hey, candy can be an invaluable tool too!"
"SHUT UP!" Vice yelled.
Alt turned to Vice. "He is attempting to render assistance. Perhaps you should be more patient."
"I… I-yes," Vice pinched his forehead. "Yes, yes you're right. I'm sorry, it's just- I've been through a lot."
Dan patted Vice on the back. "Hey, we both have. But we're going to get this done, aren't we?"
Vice nodded. "Yes… despite the lack of tools, we're going to do our best."
"Right," Dan said confidently. "So let's get to work!"
They started by trying to repair the outside damage. From what few tools they had, they removed and replaced the damaged armor pieces on Alt's legs and shoulders. Dan hammered out the dents while Vice climbed inside the Magic Gear's chassis itself to diagnose the more extensive damage.
Dan wiped the sweat off his forehead. "I may not be a doctor but after this, I'm putting Mechanic Dan on my resume." He put his head inside of a hole. "You almost done in there?"
"I'm getting close," Vice's voice echoed back. He had to marvel at how sophisticated the Magic Gear really was. In many ways, it was a living organism. It had a heart, lungs, everything a pony had only larger and metal… or crystal. And some parts were made of materials and polymers that Vice had no idea what they were made out of. But he knew what they were supposed to do because of his knowledge of pony anatomy. He was able to fix… to heal it.
Periodically, Dan and Vice had to return to the Flutterbird to salvage materials. Occasionally, they had a toblerpone or two to satisfy hunger. Alt helped them drag the helicopter to the shore using the winch on the craft and they began breaking it down piece by soggy piece. While they disassembled it, Alt waited, curled up and resting.
"From what I can tell, the river is mostly water mixed with potion serum. Drinking it is helping her to restore her weapon functions including the Sword Spell," Vice said.
"So it was actually trying to repair itself to nuke something else?" Dan asked. "Figures. Machines like that, all they know how to do is destroy."
"I don't think she was trying to do that," Vice said, removing one of the Flutterbird's wings. "Trusting others, much less total strangers, isn't something machines do. It's… it's what living, thinking beings do."
"Ha," Dan scoffed and folded his arms. "You're sure it's not just using us to fix it so it can kill us then? You see, that's where you and I are different- you see kindness, generosity, honesty, loyalty, laughter, magic and that junk and you think that's the indication of some kind of virtue, an indication of a good guy. But I know how those things can be used to their advantage. Believe me; it's all just a facade. Everybody wants to look like a good guy just to stab you in the back. Only way people get ahead."
"You're forgetting sometimes it can be genuine," Vice said. "Stabbing people in the back isn't the only way to get ahead. Sometimes, being an actual nice person can have its own advantages. Competition might lead to improvement for one but cooperation can lead to improvement for everybody."
"Heh," Dan chuckled. "It's certainly led to improvements in your case."
"Well, like you said, that's where we're different," Vice said, taking off another piece of metal. "I'm going to make a brace for her shoulder, should ease pressure on the joint until her body can mend it naturally."
"But it's a machine," Dan shook his head. "It doesn't 'mend' anything naturally. It doesn't 'do' anything naturally. It's NOT natural."
"It was designed like a basic alicorn filly. A lot of its systems are the same as-"
"Yeah, blah blah blah, it's living breathing organism. It's a robot, doctor. Don't forget that. Speaking," Dan leaned in to whisper, "I was thinking we should try to make sure its weapons systems really are disabled. In case the rebels or the imps try to actually hijack it."
"I don't think that's necessary," Vice said, gathering up the makeshift sling for Alt's leg. "She'll defend herself if necessary but she's not dangerous. Once we tell the Empire and the Resistance how it's going to be, we can send her home and this pile of ice will be all anypony ever needs to remember what will happen if we don't all get along."
Dan shook his head again. "This happened because of an accident, Vice. It wasn't defending itself when it blew up everything. I don't think we should let that happen again."
Vice turned to him. "I'm not going to hurt her or sabotage anything just so you can feel safe."
"Then what are you going to do? Huh? What if you accidentally set something off while you're trying to fix it?"
Vice sighed. "Okay… maybe, we ask her to turn off her weapons and guns and stuff."
The human's face went blank. "Weapons and guns and stuff… do you honestly hear yourself?"
"Well, what if we actually trigger something trying to sabotage her?" Vice countered. "Look, I'm sure if we're honest, things will just work out better."
Dan rolled his eyes. "Uh huh, I'm sure they will, doctor."
The two carried the makeshift sling over to Alt. The giant filly was tracing her hoof in the crystals, making shapes. She stood up as they approached.
"Okay, it wasn't easy but I think we made something that'll help support your shoulder while it heals. You'll still have to stay off it for a few days, based on the rate of your auto-repair functions but with this brace and the sealant on your joint, it should heal up just fine," Vice said. Both of them lugged over the sling and set it in front of her.
"*Ahem*" Dan cleared his throat.
Vice sighed again. "Also, Dan would like you to deactivate your weapons while we put it on you."
Alt raised an eyebrow at the two.
"It's to make him feel safer while we put it on. He's just nervous," Vice added.
The machine rolled its own eyes. "Weapons deactivated. Disengaging self-defense mode. Resuming regular operations."
"Thank you," Vice said. "All right, now let's get you bandaged up."
Climbing up, the pair attached the brace over Alt's left shoulder. Part metal and part parachute, it would allow for flexibility without impairment of her walking ability. They attached a few more metal bandages and smaller braces along her fetlocks and ankles for more support. When they were done, Alt was feeling better, even smiled at the two of them.
"That just about does it!" Vice announced, happy with his work.
Alt squee'd. "Your assistance is appreciated. Thank you both very much."
"Good job, medical aid Dan," Vice said, taking out his pencil and notepad to write something down.
"Thank you, doctor," Dan said, reaching into his own pocket.
"I'm prescribing you some light exercises you can do to stretch out your muscles but you're not to overdo it," Vice said, jotting down notes. "I want you to get plenty of rest and fluids, take things easy until the joint is healed, okay?"
The Magic Gear nodded. "Understood."
"Also, Dan and I have a favor to ask of you," Vice said.
"Yes," Dan added, smiling. "And there's something I need from you too, doctor."
Vice looked up. "And that is?"
Dan stabbed Vice in the stomach.
"Ah… uhlll…" Vice gasped. The notepad and pencil dropped to the ground, causing the beads to clink as they landed. For a moment, Dan just held the knife in him, watching the pony's eyes as they filled with confusion, horror, tears, and the sudden realization of what had happened.
"Your assistance has been helpful indeed, doctor," Dan plunged the knife a bit deeper, letting it stick there. As Vice doubled over, Dan grabbed him by the shoulder.
Vice began to reach down at the knife in his stomach. Dan, his hands now free, reached down to remove Vice's gauntlets, simply slipping them off his hooves one at a time. The stallion continued to hunch, his breathing becoming labored.
"Thank you for lending a hand, Vice. But now I think you need lie down." He placed one hand on Vice's shoulder and pushed him over.
"Uhh-AAah!" Vice hit the ground, splashing into the crystal shards.
Dan slipped on Vice's gauntlets, as easy as putting on a pair of mittens. "Idealists like you. You think holding onto something makes you stronger? It makes you weak, predictable. That's always been the folly of revolutionaries. You're not flexible enough. Me? I know when and where to break the rules, cut the tiny corners so the system doesn't break and doesn't notice me. Not that your resolute little ideas aren't good for nothing. On the contrary," he walked over to Vice Grip. "They make quite a good foundation." He stepped on the pony's right leg.
"AAAHH!! AAHHHHH!!"
"For me to step on." Dan pulled off Vice's boots next, one after the other. Underneath, Vice's legs were a lot like Alts- burned, broken and cracked in a few places. Unlike the prime universe Vice Grip, Dr. Vice Grip was actually disfigured in a couple ways, including his hooves and now the knife impaling him. The gauntlets covered up his injury and allowed him to manipulate things with more ease. Without them, he was unable to walk on his own legs.
"Aww, and you're a cripple. How sad. Well, then you knew this was going to happen eventually," Dan said, slipping on the boots next. He knelt over him. "You knew this was going to happen; you can't be a good guy in a bad universe. The only way to get ahead is to stab the guy above you… and sometimes the guy below you, too," he patted the hilt of the knife. "You helped out a lot of people all your life. You knew one of them would eventually do this. Still, for what it's worth, you were a good doctor." He got up, turned around and walked back to the wreckage of the Flutterbird.
Vice tasted blood. His midsection was getting cold very fast, a result of the loss of body heat and blood circulation from being stabbed. His mind wanted to analyze the wound, treat it. He could feel the blade's cold steel with every labored breath, a weight over him that felt like a thousand pounds. He reached with his right foreleg for the knife but couldn't grip it. He only managed to hit it, causing an explosion of pain that nearly made him black out.
Dan walked out of the Flutterbird. He held the controls in one arm. "Couldn't adapt an interface without your gloves, doctor. They're perfect for medicine and machines, it turns out."
"You… you lied to me," Vice said.
"Lied? Ha," Dan laughed. "Are you really that surprised?"
"You never… were a slave," Vice said weakly. "You were… working for them… all along…"
The human smirked. "Not exactly. You see, I am a slave but I'm perfectly fine with the way things are. And now, with this weapon, I'll deliver to Empress Celestia herself a new tool to conquer a whole new world with. It'll further cement my position as an invaluable part of the Solar Empire, maybe even lead to a nice promotion. Cake, too. When I'm ready, I'll go after the Empresses myself, get rid of them, too. I'll let someone new take their places… and the cycle will continue."
Dan looked around. "We all have our vices, Vice. Whether it's being a good natured guy like you or being a cowardly backstabber like me, they all get the better of us eventually. For the record, though, yours is one of the nicer traits. But look where it got you. So really, was it worth it?"
Vice grimaced. He couldn't lift his limbs. He managed to look at Dan and said, "Ask the… people I saved. Ask them."
"Ah, you mean like the Resistance that got you here in the first place," Dan remarked, smirking. He turned away and started heading back to the awaiting Magic Gear. Alt had been watching them but without her weapons, had made no attempt to intervene. She was in a system shock of sorts, too busy calculating what had happened to do anything about it. "I almost forgot about them. I might deal with them first just to make sure no one knows about our big friend here."
Still on the ground, Vice's breathing became faster. He had to do something, stop Dan from using the weapon again somehow. A voice in his head, the voice of his accumulated medical knowledge told him to get help, seek aid while his organs still functioned and weren't filled with blood. But a louder voice said GET UP, yelled at him to STOP DAN whatever it took. He tried to raise his forelegs again. It was like his limbs were crushed to the ground, anchored at his joints to the crystals.
The knife was still sticking into him. It rose and fell with his breathing, only a small amount of blood around the mouth of the wound. He had to get it out.
Starting with his hooves, he willed his forelegs to raise, pulling them closer to him. Slowly, he got them to bend and rested them on his stomach for a moment. He took several deep breaths and grabbed the hilt of the knife.
"ARRHH- AHHHH!!" he screamed in agony but he wasn't able to grip the knife. Without his gloves, his hooves were too damaged to grip even the crystal bits under him. He knew what he had to do.
He reached up with both hooves at the same time and clapped his hooves on the hilt, pressing them together on the handle. Teeth gritted, he pushed his hooves upward, slowly lifting the blade.
"NGRRAAAAHHHAHAAA!" he wailed, feeling every inch of the knife as it moved against his insides. The cold of the blade slipped against his flesh, burning pain shooting in his limbs. The pain was almost unbearable; black corners edged around his vision until he could only see his hooves and the knife.
"AAAAARRRRRAAHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" His hooves shot upward, yanking the knife out of his stomach. Blood gushed from the wound, spurting up like a geyser and hitting him in the face. The wound burned, feeling like it was on fire. Still clutching the knife with both hooves, he quickly threw them behind his head and dropped the knife. He then clutched the wound with both hooves and doubled over, the cold now shifting from his stomach to his limbs.
There was no time to wait. Vice crawled towards Dan, who had his back turned as he sorted through a box of parts next to one of Alt's legs.
He had to stand, had to stop him. "Get… get away from her."
Dan didn't hear him. He continued tossing and clanking tools around, searching for something.
Vice pulled himself up on his back legs, standing up right once again. He walked forward, one trembling step at a time. The human stood up, looking at his cell phone. Vice didn't need a knife, didn't need a gun, didn't need anything. He would stop Dan, with his bare hooves if he had to. "Get away from my patient!" He lunged at him.
"My, you're persistent!" The human turned around, grabbed him by the outstretched hoof and flipped him to the ground.
In a split second, he was on his back again, staring up at the sky. He felt what little strength he had completely drain out of him. He tried to stand again but only propped himself up. "I won't let you… hurt her…"
"You're stronger than I thought," Dan said. He walked back over to where his knife lay and picked it up. "The Conductor was right- you are tougher than you look. Maybe you might've actually taken on the Empire if you got the chance. But they didn't anticipate me. So it looks like she can't see everything. Good bye, doctor."
Dan pinched the blade in his hand and threw it at Vice. The stallion watched as the knife flew at him. For a brief second, time almost seemed to stop. Sunlight reflected off the edge, gleaning as it sailed towards a point right in the certain of his forehead. He closed his eyes.
The human was an expert knife fighter and knife thrower. They were quieter than a gun and more versatile. He always used them and knew he could rely on his skill with them. So even Dan was surprised when the blade stopped in midair just in front of Vice's face.
"What?"
Vice opened his eyes. The blade had stopped just before hitting him in the face. It began to rotate, spinning rapidly until it almost became a disk.
"What? What is this?" Dan asked. "This… is this…?"
"Some kind of magic?"
The blade shot back at Dan. It flew faster than he had thrown it, shooting at him like an arrow. His eyes went wide.
"AULLGH!" The knife stabbed him in the chest. He was blown off his feet by the force of it, thrown to the ground on his back. He lay there, motionless.
It took a moment for the disbelief to shake off Vice. Clutching his side, he got up and limped forward.
He shook his head. "How?" Vice turned around to look up at Alt. "You said… your defenses were turned off. Why did… you help me?"
Alt looked back at him, her eyes large and round. She spoke in his voice: "It's a doctor's job to make sure no further harm is done. Now, are you going to keep talking about how I'm not the right guy or are you going to let me do my job?"
"Heh… I don't think that's exactly what I meant but I appreciate it. Thank you," Vice said, looking up at the giant machine. She smiled back at him.
Vice walked over to where Dan lay. The knife stuck out of his chest in the middle of his shirt, right in the middle of the R in ZERO. Beneath it, blood stained the white around the letters. Dan looked up at Vice as he approached.
"I… I was…" his lips trembled. "I w-was wrong, doctor. There… there is a r-reason to trust others. But I… never did. Th… that's…"
"Where we're different," Vice said, smiling at him. "But we are a lot alike, too. There are some… good things about you, Dan."
Dan smiled back at him. "That's… a nice lie. I don't… deserve… that kindness."
"Everybody deserves kindness, Dan," Vice said, kneeling down with him. "Even people in the Empire. That's why I do what I do. To give them a little bit of it, let them have some good in their lives. Sometimes, it even inspires them to do a little good themselves. That's why I'm a doctor."
Dan smiled. "You're a good pony… you didn't deserve this either." Suddenly, Dan's smile faded. His eyes became wide. "They… they… wanted this."
Vice shook his head. "Wanted what? Who?"
"They… knew this was… going to happen," Dan said. "Now, all you have left is…" his voice trailed off. His head slumped to one side, eyes still open but not seeing. He was gone.
Vice reached down to close the human's eyes. He removed his gloves, his boots and the knife from Dan's chest. He placed the human's body in the remains of the Flutterbird.
No words were said by Vice or Alt. Upon his request, Alt pushed the wreckage of the aircraft into the river. They watched as the water carried it a ways before it slowly sank to the bottom.
Vice patched up his stomach, used a piece of unused scrap as a crutch for support. He would need a couple weeks to recover and then the wound would scar up. Maybe he would start wearing scrubs to cover it.
"You're free to go now," Vice said to Alt. "Just try not to put too much pressure on that shoulder and it should be fine in a couple weeks. Don't do anything strenuous."
Alt looked around. There were nothing but crystals as far as the eye could see. "I have nowhere else to go."
Vice thought. "You don't know where your home is? How to get back?"
The machine shook its head.
Vice looked around. "You could come back to Canterlot with me. It's kind of hard not to get wrapped up in politics… but maybe, you could help things there if you wanted to. Improve things for a lot of people."
Alt smiled and squee'd. "I believe I will enjoy that."
"Hehe, all right then. Let's get going."
The giant pony's legs might have been damaged but her wings were fine. She flew with Vice Grip in her cockpit all the way back to Canterlot, faster than even the Flutterbird had flown. It was dark by the time they arrived, the twinkling of the lights guiding them back to the city.
As they got closer, Vice noticed smoke trailing up from the city and something burning. Another attack, undoubtedly. That would mean more work for him.
"Aw, damn it," Vice said, in the cockpit of the giant pony. "I can't be gone for ONE DAY without something blowing up."
"Is it safe here, doctor?" Alt asked.
"Yeah, for the most part," Vice replied. "There's just a war going on between the Resistance and the Empire. New day, same shit. With an attack like this, it just means the hospital will be busier."
There was silence for a moment. "I don't think the hospital will be very busy, doctor."
"Huh? Why's that?"
"Because it's been destroyed."
"WHAT?!"
The display in the cockpit switched to a closeup view of the quarter where Vice's hospital had been. The entire building was a burning pile of blackened rubble. There were no firemen or emergency workers trying to prevent the blaze from spreading, no first responders helping injured ponies around them. There was only a line of Solar Imperial Guards blockading off the streets, diverting traffic while troops armed with flamethrowers marched through the remains. The same ones that had accompanied Dan into the hospital.
"Those… those bastards," Vice said. "Those bastards!!! THEY BLEW IT UP!!!"
"Doctor, what's wrong?"
Vice was stunned. He felt worse than when he'd been stabbed. But something else built up in him, another feeling of some kind, one that burned white hot, hotter than the blaze around his hospital, hotter than the flames that consumed the bodies of his loved ones, hotter than anything else and it made his blood boil.
And that's when he realized. "They… they took everything from me. They took it all. All that's left is…"
"Doctor? Vice Grip?"
All that's left is...
Vice gritted his teeth. He balled his fists and in a single motion, through them up skyward and yelled at the top of his lungs:
"SOLAR EMPIRE!!!!!!!!!"
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship...
"Thank Celestia, we're finally home."
"AND I CAN'T STOOOOOOPPPP!!"
*Krrboom!* Dan and the gang finally get back home to-
"Bluebloodville?"
"I don't like where this is going…"
"Why, hello all, and welcome to Bluebloodestria!"
Next Saturday, a royal pain gets crowned!
"Is he allowed to do this?"
"I don't know if he's allowed to do this but it's done. Prince Blueblood is the official ruler of Equestria."
"I'm gonna go throw up now. You guys find out who's responsible for this so that when I get back, I know who's ass to kick."
Can Dan cope with a new kind of ruling class?
"We're going to talk about your new training regimen."
"But-"
"We're going to go over the new plans for the library."
"I-"
"Oh! And we must pick out a new wardrobe for you, Sir Daniel. You simply must wear something blue."
"…Can we impeach you?"
Or will this moron-archy cause Dan to consider regicide?
"WHY IS EVERYTHING BLUE?!!"
Next Saturday, get ready for Dan to render unto Blueblood-
"You… you barbarian!"
"KISS IT, BLUE-LIPS! PUCKER UP AND BLOW!"
A king-sized beatdown!
"I demand satisfaction!"
"There's a line for satisfaction and it's right next to the line I'd need to stand in if I wanted to get a buck to give."
Episode 13: Dan Vs. Prince Blueblood! Equestria gets royally screwed next Saturday on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
Married with Children was filmed before a live studio audience.
The familiar sound of "NO BRAKES! NO BRAKES! NO BRAKES!" was quickly followed by the other ritual noise of the family Dodge crashing into the back of the garage. To any other family, this would be a cause for alarm, a cause for paramedics but for the Bundy household, it was a cause for celebration.
Peggy and her two children Bud and Kelly looked deeply into each other's greedy, sinister eyes. "Dad's home!" they giggled simultaneously. Rather than immediately rushing for the garage, the phone or anyone that could help, they simply waited for their father to come in, regardless of what physical or mental state he may be in.
A moment later, Al Bundy, the father, the husband, the man of the house, entered his domain to continue with the rest of his daily ritual. He stepped through the door, smoke pouring in with him and quickly rising to the ceiling. "You know, I was just thinking on the way home, how it's so nice to come home to a family that really loves and cares for its father," he said, frowning.
"Aww," Peg cooed, walking over "it's nice to see you home, too, sweetie."
"We're happy to have you back home, dad!" Bud followed her.
"It's the best part of our day, daddy!" Kelly said and the three of them hugged their father.
Al's expression remained unchanged; he'd seen this before. "Who said I was talking about this family? Get off, get off, you bloodsucking leeches," he shooed them away. "I don't have any money left anyway so pack it up. Begone."
The wife and children released him and walked away like he was a complete stranger. They each let out mutual groans and sighs of disappointment.
Peggy's misty-eyed and heartwarming smile, a well-practiced facade, vanished in an instant, replaced by her natural expression- a scowl of both judgment and disdain. "Honestly, why do you even bother coming home if you don't have any money?"
Al took his traditional spot on the couch. "Oh, well, you see, I eventually get tired of getting treated like garbage all day at work and decide to come home so I can get treated like garbage by my family. I just like the change of scenery is all," he said, sarcasm heavy in his voice.
"I think we could all use a change of scenery," Peggy remarked. "Why don't you ask for a raise, some time off or a paid vacation?"
"Because I know what I'll get for an answer: laughter followed by "You're fired."," Al said.
"But I wanna go out," Kelly whined.
"Come on, dad," Bud encouraged, "you just said you wanted us to be more like a loving and caring family. So, take us out and buy us things. Then we'll give you all the love and caring you can handle," his son said, overflowing with false affection.
"The car's destroyed. It's as broken, tired and worthless as I am," Al said. "Apart from selling my vital organs, how do you propose we get money?"
"Well, they say you really only need one kidney," Bud said.
"Yeah, daddy," Kelly agreed enthusiastically. "And my ex-boyfriend Stabwound says you can get a lot of money for a liver. Maybe you could sell one of your extra livers."
"See, Al?" Peggy said. "And you didn't think we had any options."
Al glared at all of them. "I have a better idea. Why don't we just take a trip on our own couch right here at home?"
Kelly's eyes lit up with excitement. "Can the couch fly?!"
The father just smiled back at his very special daughter. "It can do better, pumpkin," he held up the remote control for the t.v.
Bud rolled his eyes. "I see where this is going."
The four of them sat back on the couch, Al genuinely smiling for the first time since walking in the door, and turned on the television. "Let's watch something new… oh, look what's coming on!"
"And now back to Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship! Only on FOX!"
"Huh," Al said. "That explains a lot, actually."
Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship was filmed before a bribed studio audience.
Dan's chariot crested the final hill approaching Ponyville. The colorful buildings were already visible in the distance like a painting of the town itself on the horizon. They all smiled when they saw it; each of them knew that there was no bad angle you could paint Ponyville from. The little city in the center of Equestria was one of the happiest places on the planet. To everyone and everypony, it felt like coming home.
"There it is!" Dan announced, revving the chariot faster. "Home at last, home at last!"
"It'll be good to get back to the library," Twilight said, relieved. "Just to know everything's safe… we really left in a hurry."
"Yeah," Spike agreed. "We didn't even tell anyone we were going. Not that we had the chance to, but still."
"Isn't the library's security system supposed to protect it?" Phoenix asked. "I remember Vice turned off the interior part… but what about the exterior?"
"The whole thing was shut down," Dan said, grumbling. "It's one more thing I'll have to fix. When we get home."
"It won't be a problem," Twilight assured Dan. "After all, we have a lot more help now!"
Her brother, Prince Shining Armor and his wife Princess Cadence both smiled. "Anything you need, Twily. We're here for you now."
Twilight smiled back at them. She was very happy her family was joining her, especially after what happened in the Crystal Empire. She would do anything for them and they for her but the distance between them had always been a problem. Now, they would face the future together and get Equestria back on track once again.
"That's great," Dan said, "You think they can help us fix the chariot?"
"Fix it?" Twilight asked. "It seems to be working fine. Why would we need to fix it?"
Dan shrugged. "Oh, I'm just guessing we'll probably need to fix it a little after we crash."
"Yeah, kinda forgot to mention that the chariot doesn't really have brakes," Dan rubbed the back of his neck. "I know, kind of a big design flaw, I'm realizing that right now."
"DESIGN FLAW?!" Phoenix screeched. "A design flaw would mean you couldn't get it running! A design flaw would mean it doesn't come with cruise control!"
Dan nodded with everything Phoenix listed, as if making notes in his head. "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, true and I will be making those adjustments when I can get the parts from the hardware store."
"By the way, we just passed the hardware store," Chrys said, apparently one of the only ones keeping an eye on the road. They were in town now, blazing through the outskirts of Ponyville. Brightly-colored buildings and straw-roof houses blurred past them into a rainbow background of looped animation because even in fan fiction, we have to do things to keep the spending down. But they only passed the hardware store once, specifically because we're going to use it in another scene.
"For now, we need a way to slow us down safely," Dan said. "Unfortunately, the chariot's essentially a big Segway and it'll keep going so long as we're standing on it. So, here's my idea-"
"We aim for something soft and you get arrested for DUI?" the Blast sisters asked. Dan shot an unamused glare at both of them and the two returned to their tinkering. During the trip back to Ponyville, the girls had decided to busy themselves the only way they knew how: with high-yield recreational grade explosives. Specifically, a few fireworks from the brief wedding ceremony, some leftover parts from the chariot itself and a few vegetables. With these parts, Blast Fuse was building an exploding vegetable launcher while Blast Powder was mixing chemicals together to try and create armor-piercing carrots, incendiary celery and a tomato. Just a tomato. With a blast radius of five hundred yards and a yield of five-thousand… tomatoes.
"No, we get off one at a time-"
"WHILE the chariot is moving?" Lightning's voice cracked.
"Those of us with WINGS are welcome to jump first," Dan clarified. "Carrying maybe a couple of those of us who don't fly quite as well would probably HELP."
Lightning rolled his eyes. "Well, if you want to do this the easy way. Come on, FD."
"Piggyback ride!" the younger gray pony hopped on Lightning's back. They took off quickly, decelerated quicker and then were watching the chariot speed away.
"Guess it's you and me next, Twi," Chrys said. The purple princess nodded and climbed on Chrys' back. Being a little bit sturdier than the other fliers, she also picked up Phoenix and Spike. Fluffle Puff, ever resourceful, deployed her own parachute from her fluff and was immediately propelled skyward as it caught the backdraft.
Shining and Cadence embraced, then the pink princess carried her husbando into the sky.
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder both looked at Dan innocently.
"Well? What's your problem, you two? It's your turn."
"Yeah," Fuse looked away. She took off her wings like a cardboard cutout. "These are more just for show than actual flying."
Dan grabbed the fake wings out of her hoof. "GET OFF THE FRIGGIN CHARIOT!"
The sisters giggled. Fuse deployed her real wings and lifted her sister up. "Sheesh, we were just kidding, Dan."
"Talk about road rage."
"Great, that's fine. Don't forget your potato gun," he apathetically placed the firearm in Fuse's muzzle before she took off. Once they had disembarked, Dan carefully turned the chariot on Ponyville's main street and pointed it directly for home.
He smiled as he took the handlebars once more. With all the weight off the platform, the large segway should slow to a stop just as soon as he hopped off. He steadied the controls and locked the chariot on its course. He jumped off the back and was caught by Twilight's levitation spell just before his feet touched the ground.
"Very good job guys," Dan remarked. "Textbook, textbook all of you. That's our new emergency disembarkation plan from now on and you guys executed it exceptionally. I'm proud of you all."
"Woo hoo," Phoenix said, being held up by Chrys. "I'll remember this every time you take us on a joyride in a homemade demolition cart."
"Don't encourage him," Twilight added.
The group landed on the main road into town. Dan beamed with pride, not just at himself but at his companions. They all assembled one after the other, touching down with almost coordinated precision. After making sure they were all okay, the group celebrated.
"Good job, everypony," Twilight said. "And good idea, Dan. We got everyone off safely thanks to you."
"And thankfully, Ponyville doesn't have speed limits yet, so we didn't even break the law," Phoenix added.
Dan nodded. "Right you are, Nicky."
"Ha."
He turned back to his vehicle, which slowed to a safe and gentle halt in the middle of the road. "I'm just happy we got back home with the chariot inta-"
*BOOOOM!*
The chariot exploded in a ball of fire.
"MY CHARIOT!!! NOOOO!!!" Dan yelled, buckling down to his knees. "What happened?!! WHY?!"
"DUCK!" Twilight shouted, creating a quick shield around the group as the flaming wreckage of Dan's chariot rained down upon them. A single burning wheel rolled by, prompting Fluffle Puff to follow it with her eyes. It seemed to go on its own journey, drawn by some unknown calling until it tilted and fell on one side in the middle of the street.
"Wh-WHO DID THIS?!!" Dan yelled, pounding the ground with his fist.
The twin explosive sisters hid their latest weapon behind their backs and tried to look innocent. Cartoon halos appeared above their heads. "Don't look at us~" they said simultaneously.
Phoenix pointed at the burning heap of slag that was the vehicle they had just arrived in. "Th-that's not another design flaw, I'm guessing. I'm hoping. I'm praying."
Twilight put a hoof on Dan's shoulder. "Dan, I-"
"Well, hello all!" a strange voice called from up above.
"What."
"The."
"Thpp?"
A giant golden leg smashed down on what was left of Dan's chariot. The group looked up to see a familiar sight:
Decadently Decorated Destructive Droid of Decimation Magic Gear KING Prince Blueblood's custom(and expensive) personalized Magic Gear
"No… no," Dan shook his head.
Twilight looked up at the massive machine. "It followed us home."
The giant mech was solid gold, or at least appeared that way. Unlike other gears, it was a colt instead of a filly. Its eyes glittered like sapphires and glared at the assembled group. Around its back was an elegant purple robe tied around its neck. Its mane and tail wavered with artificial ephemerality like Celestia's or Luna's and a rainbow of gems rowed every inch of its body at equal intervals. Atop its head was a massive crown that dwarfed even its own golden horn. The crown seemed to be made out of a crystal that had the qualities of both precious metal and precious stone. A platinum diamond, the kind of absurd luxury there would only be one of, not that there would ever need to be.
Prince Blueblood's throne was atop this crown. The mech bent down to the ground so that he might see all of the group. "Hello, all and welcome. Welcome to Bluebloodestria!"
"Bluebloodestria?" Twilight asked.
Chrys rose an eyebrow at him. "Is this guy on something?"
"Why, yes," Blueblood chuckled. "I'm on a giant golden throne, dear maiden. Is that not apparent?"
"Did… did he just call me a maiden?"
"You're on a giant walking war machine!" Dan shouted. "That thing's a safety hazard to the whole PLANET! Its design flaws alone nearly nuked the town twice! You need to get OFF that thing before somepony gets hurt!"
Twilight, Phoenix, Spike and the others all exchanged mixed glances. "Does anyone else feel like we just got through this about two seconds ago?"
"Yeah," Shining said. "But Dan's chariot was cool."
"Thank you!"
"Blueblood," Shining called up to him, "what are you doing in that thing?"
The other white stallion looked almost shocked. "Prince Armor, where is your regard for royal etiquette? Aha," he sighed, looking away. "Just because we are among the… more rural subjects does not mean we abandon our practice of decorum for the sake of the company."
Shining shook his head. "The buck did you just call me?"
Cadence patted him on the back. "He's gone off the deep end, sweetie. I'm sorry we have to endure this… all of us."
"Ah, but I'm so happy you've finally arrived!" Blueblood exclaimed.
"Look buddy," Dan pointed at him, "that thing's dangerous to the town. And as a royal guard captain, I'm going to have to ask you to get off your giant, gold monstrosity for the sake of safety… and sanity. AND MY CHARIOT."
"Ho, indeed you are, Captain Dan," the prince said, looking down at him. "Which is why I'm having you reassigned to my personal attaché immediately."
Dan stared up blankly. "Wut."
Twilight shook her head. "No no no no no, Dan is part of the Sparkle Guard- err, my guard. He helps me, Chrys and the others."
Prince Blueblood smiled at her. "Of course he does, Princess Twilight. And he will continue to do so."
Now, Twilight stared blankly up at him. "H-how?"
Shining raised his hoof. "Dan can't be part of two royal guard divisions. No guard can; to better help with organization and also to prevent against infiltration by rival powers, all guards are assigned to only one princess each or the city they serve. It also prevents against possible changeling incursions," he looked over at Chrys. "Uh, no offense."
"None taken."
"Ah," the prince's eyes lit up. "But of course, I wouldn't be trying to take one of Princess Twilight's own guards unless I was wanting to combine both our protection services."
Cadence swallowed. "But… you could only do that if-"
Blueblood chuckled. "I'm afraid, I've had to take quite a few liberties with the absence of my auntie Princess Celestia and auntie Princess Luna. Why, I was the only royalty left for a whole week and as such, it was my duty to lead the kingdom."
"Ah," Dan nodded. "So that explains the Bluebloodestria part. I'm surprised that actually lasted a week."
"I'm surprised it lasted a day."
"I'm surprised they didn't try to kill him."
"WHO SAID WE DIDN'T?!!" Vinyl yelled, galloping by randomly, her and Octavia pulling a large covered wagon behind them.
"Now that you're here, though, the we can restore the kingdom's royal governance," Blueblood said, grinning at Twilight.
Twilight looked around. "M-me?"
"Why, yes. As the last single princess in Equestria, err… Bluebloodestria, our marriage will reestablish the royal family's leadership. And we will rule the world as husband and waifu," Blueblood said, eyes fluttering.
"I… I…" Twilight stammered.
"I know," Blueblood said. "It's so wonderful, isn't it?"
"I think I'm gonna be sick…"
Chrys moved to hold Twilight, who was suddenly feeling weak. "I can't marry Blueblood…" Twilight said, heaving.
"But you know you have to," Blueblood said, fanning himself in a way that even Rarity would sneer at. "Under Equestrian… ahem, excuse me, Bluebloodestrian rule, a prince may only rule alongside that of a princess, in this case, his wife."
Originally, the three pony tribes ruled equally when Equestria was founded. But one dark day, over a thousand years ago, something happened and the next day only the princess was ruler. Instead of three tribes, three cities and three leaders, there was only one leader, one Equestria and everypony under them in it. Celestia and Luna were the sisters of prophecy, both part of the royal family and something else entirely. According to legend, they were the only daughters of King Eternos and Queen Galaxina who had both left Equestria long ago in search of their creators. The royal family today were unicorn descendants of Starswirl the Bearded, the first pony to rule the lost nation of Enchantria after the king and before the exodus that led the three tribes to Equestria.
Blueblood was a prince by blood only, not magic. In order to truly rule Equestria, he needed to marry a pony ordained as a princess by the magic of harmony itself. And that meant marrying Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Fighting the urge to climb the golden robot and strangle the prince, Dan turned around to Twilight. "Okay, first, this guy is who? Second, you want me to go for the usual vulnerable spots or should I grab a bat and get creative?"
"He's Prince Blueblood," Shining said, unable to keep from scowling at the other prince fanning himself atop a throne. "Princess Celestia's nephew, his royal district is a ski resort and country club near Canterlot. He's a prince but he's lived a pretty sheltered life usually surrounded by rich ponies around the castle, used to servants waiting on him hoof and knee at all times."
"Hoof and knee, huh?" Dan rubbed his chin, looking back at Blueblood. A fan was levitating close to him, blowing on him and making his golden mane flutter behind him. The stallion turned his head, eyes closed in sheer contentment as the fan simultaneously cooled and misted him. His own horn wasn't glowing though; the Magic Gear's own magic was levitating the fan for him.
"Ahhh, air conditioning truly is a necessity for travel in the countryside," the prince remarked.
Dan turned back around. "Yeah, I can tell. And he wants to marry you because?"
"I don't know!" Twilight cried out in frustration. "I don't know what's happened to Princess Celestia or Princess Luna or how he got to be in charge but this isn't the time to talk about marriage!"
"So," Dan nodded, "to be clear, you don't want to marry him, right? And we all agree he should take a hike with his golden doomsday machine?"
"YES!!!" the group yelled unanimously.
Dan smiled. "I Just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page," he turned back to the prince and yelled, "Blueblood! Looks like your princess is in another dimension, pal. Sounds like your jurisdiction is a ski lodge anyway so why don't you go hit the slopes before I turn the slope in your head into a crater?"
"D-Dan!" Cadence gasped.
Shining Armor ran up to his side. "Uhhh, Captain, I know you're enthusiastic but…"
"He's still a prince, Dan," Twilight chimed in. "We can't really threaten him just for doing… weirdo princey stuff."
"Even if he's Blueblood," Spike muttered. The purple dragon had been scowling at the prince since he arrived. Despite his best efforts, he had trouble not having a grudge against Rarity's previous interest of the opposite sex. Now that Blueblood was going after Twilight's hoof in marriage, that was pretty much strike two in Spike's Dragon Code of Honor book. "Prince of my tail, more like it."
"Ah hahaha," Blueblood laughed softly. "Quite a feisty attitude you have, guardsman. You would do well not to speak out of turn, my dear captain. Remember that you are among your betters, the rulers of all Bluebloodestria."
Chrys turned to Twilight. "Oh, come on, Twilight! He's asking for it!"
The prince's eyes fluttered again at Twilight. Something approaching bile began to settle in her stomach.
"Okay, new plan," Twilight turned to Dan. "He's a danger to the town in that thing, that's my view on this one. Dan, you have my permission to… prevent him from hurting himself and others."
Dan smiled ear to ear, mouth suddenly full of sharp teeth. "I have permission to engage?" he asked giddily.
"Just disarm him."
"With extreme prejudice?"
Twilight looked back at the prince. Blueblood was now being fanned in slow motion. He looked at the camera and winked.
"With extreme prejudice."
"EEEEEE!!" Dan squeed, a different kind of squee than normally heard in Equestria like that of a bottle rocket going off. "Okay, who's going to help me kick his pompous butt from our kingdom to kingdom come?!!"
"ME! MEMEMEME!!" The Blast Sisters were the first to volunteer. "We call the gizzard!"
"I got dibs on his spine!" Spike announced, going full Rambo.
"All right!" Dan said, turning back to Blueblood. "We charge him on three! One… two-"
"HOLD IT!!" a voice echoed behind them.
"What?" Phoenix asked. "Why are you all looking at me?!!" (By now, they all should know that all my outbursts are in bold!)
"Not you, Nick," Chrys said, turning him around. "Behind you."
"Oh… you meant her."
Somehow, the somewhat haggard-looking form of Mayor Mare had appeared between the two groups, apparently jumping between them from the space between buildings before the scuffle could begin. Her mane was a mess and her glasses hung crookedly off her muzzle. She took a moment to adjust the glasses and cleared her throat.
"All of you, we do NOT have time for this. Blueblood," she looked up at the prince, "I told you before that you're not allowed to crowd the street with that thing."
The prince shrugged bashfully. "But mayor, there's no traffic at this time of-"
"Can it, Bloomers," Mayor Mare cut him off.
The prince blushed. "M-m-m-mayor!"
"Bloomers?" Chrys asked. "I thought Blueblood was his only name."
Phoenix noticed Dan was busy jotting that down on a notepad. "Are there any other embarrassing names he goes by or is it just that one?"
"Prince Bloomers Blooping Blueblood," the mayor continued, "just because you happen to be in charge now that your aunts are missing does not mean you can totally disregard safety."
"But-"
"No buts. Take your toy outside the city if you want to play with it."
"Awwwwww," the prince whined. "Fine. Toodaloo, all~!" he waved, engaged the thrusters on the Magic Gear and took off, blowing most of their manes back and covering them in dirt from the road.
Mayor Mare adjusted her glasses and brushed off her mane. "As for you all, I need you in my office. Now."
"Okay but can I please check on my chariot to see if-"
"Now."
Dan balled his fists and shouted over his shoulder. "Next time, Bloomers! NEXT TIME!!"
Whatever complaints Dan had about leaving without beating up Blueblood was quickly swallowed up by questions when they arrived at the Ponyville Town Hall. The mayor's office was busy, which was a change of pace because it was usually never busy. Ever. Assistants and secretaries helped deal with groups of the ponies at a time while the mayor led Dan and the others upstairs to her office.
Firedancer looked around as he shouldered past the other ponies. "Hmm."
"What is it?" Phoenix asked.
"I don't see anypony from Cloudsdale."
Phoenix took a moment to observe the crowd himself. There were a few pegasi but the vast majority of the petitioners were earth ponies. There weren't even that many unicorns. But the earth ponies were all arguing, talking in concerned voices. Entire families were crowding the space and there wasn't even room to sit on the wooden floor. As the group waded through the ponies, Trixie was being carried by the crowd on her back, slowly moving her around the room like a rubber duck in a bathtub.
"PLEASE PUT THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE DOWN! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE WAS ONLY ATTEMPTING TO PASS OUT ADVANCE TICKETS TO HER SHOW! SHE DOES NOT WORK HERE! AAAAHHHH!!!!"
Fluffle Puff closed the door to the mayor's office behind her. She then noticed a random pony stuck to her side and had to open the door again to toss them out. "Hi! My name's Double Diamond and I- waaaah!!"
"As you can see, I have my hooves full, here." The mayor took her seat behind her desk and pulled it close. Dan and the others gathered around her. "We've never experienced a crisis like this before. Frankly, I'm having trouble just keeping the town together."
"What's going on, mayor?" Twilight asked. "Whatever it is, we'll do whatever we can to help."
"Seems like you're having a bit of a civil unrest problem, mayor," Dan said, chastising. "You might not have had much of a crisis of you followed my safety protocols."
The mayor paused for a moment and removed her glasses. "I'm not able to enact protocols outside of my jurisdiction, captain. I'm sorry." The surprising part was that her voice sounded genuine. "I'm afraid this is something that… none of us saw coming."
"What happened, mayor?" Twilight asked.
"Cloudsdale is gone."
The room was silent as the words hung in the air. It was a lot to process and in fact, many of them were still in doubt.
"Gone?" Dan asked. "It can't be gone. It was just up there a few hours ago," he walked over to the windows and rolled up the blinds. "If it was gone, we would've noticed it when we- HOLY CRAP IT'S GONE!"
The sky above Ponyville was completely clear. Which, was something else that never happened, not truly. Cloudsdale, one of Ponyville's sister cities and guardian in many ways was always floating somewhere above, hovering around and at times casting its shadow over the land. While the city did move over the course of the day, adjusting both altitude and course based on the weather, it was all scheduled and timed according to the needs of all ponies both above and below. Since Equestria's founding, it had always been above, watching, regulating and protecting.
And now it was gone.
Twilight and the others got up to see for themselves.
"I don't believe it," Lightning said. "My… my home." Something inside the artificial alicorn burned, something that went beyond anger. It was a desperation of some kind, a physical instinct to act based on this new information.
"Where did it go?" Twilight asked. "Somepony has to know what happened to it. Where's Rainbow Dash? Fluttershy?"
The mayor moved over to join them. "Your friends went looking for the princesses after we lost contact with them. Well, except for Pinkie. She and Cranky went to check on something in Donquestria to the south. We haven't heard from any of them either."
"It couldn't have just disappeared. Even though, you know, it's made out of clouds," Dan said. "Where are all the other pegasi?"
"The only ones that are here are the ones that live in Ponyville," Firedancer said.
The mayor sat behind her desk again. "All of the pegasi involved with maintaining the weather have disappeared as well. Every one of them from Airborne and Airlift to Zephyr and the Zoom Zoom bros. But there is one pegasus that stayed behind with us."
As if on cue, the door opened. "Uh, excuse me? Mayor? Package for you," Derpy said, flying in above the heads of the crowd. Again, Fluffle had to shut the door behind her.
"Derpy!!" the group exclaimed and ran to hug her.
"Hey guys!" she said, giggling into a massive group hug. "H-h-hey, watch the mail! I don't wanna lose any letters!"
"Hey, mail mare," Dan said, mussing her mane. "Happy you're still here, ya muffin maniac. Wouldn't want our mailbox to miss out on any baked goods."
"Hahaha, hi Dan. I'll have to remember to bake you guys some special muffins now that you're back in town," Derpy said. "But yeah, all the other pegasi left in a big hurry. I guess they didn't have time to invite me while I was out delivering the mail."
"Pretty sure you wouldn't want to go where they're going, Derpy," Phoenix remarked. "It's not an invite any of us want to receive."
"They seemed like they were really busy," Derpy said. "None of them would even talk to me when I asked them where they were going… or maybe they didn't hear me in the costume thingies they were wearing."
"Costume thingies?" the group asked.
She pulled a small disk out of her mailbag. "But this earth pony with flying shoes gave me this to give to you guys. He said it was a message."
"Flying shoes, huh?" Dan repeated, accepting the disk from Derpy. "I think we all know who that is."
The holoprojector sprang to life. The familiar image of Vice Grip shimmered in holographic blue in front of them. The stallion scientist stood, metallic gauntlets clasped behind his back as he normally did. But unlike his previous encounters, he was not smiling.
"Not enjoying your homecoming, I take it? I can assure you it was better than mine. Then again, you got back a lot faster than I did so maybe it was the jet lag."
"I'll enjoy it the next time when I'm dragging you behind me in chains," Dan said.
The image of Vice Grip did not smile. It did not smirk, it didn't quiver or shake in any way in regards to what Dan had said. Vice just glared back at him. "The chains you're shackled to, maybe?"
"Keep telling yourself that, pal. I told you a long time ago that nopony's taking what you're shoveling out."
"Then maybe you should take some of your own advice- prepare for the future," Vice said, his voice cold and dire. "I'm done asking you if you want to take part in our plans. If you don't want to be a part of the world we're creating, fine but you're not stalling our destiny any longer. You see, I've realized, I didn't need to do anything to change Equestria. It wasn't a matter of getting your approval. It wasn't a matter of getting your help. Your petty arcanist rule of this world was always coming to an end. It was just a matter of time."
Explosions echoed in the distance. The building shook, the walls vibrated like there was an earthquake with each blast. Dan and the others ran to the window, looked outside to see a ring of some kind rising up out of the ground. Not a ring; it was the railroad, the rails rising up just above roof level. They hung in midair, electricity crackling between them in some places.
"What the heck are you doing?!" Dan demanded.
Finally, Vice smiled. "I'm giving Equestria what it needs, Dan. And speaking of needs, I believe you have a couple of things that belong to me," he said, turning to Lightning Claw and Firedancer.
"I'm not going back," Lightning said. "You're a cheat, you're a liar, you're-"
"A busy stallion and I'm afraid I don't have time for this. Priority override: Code Clear Skies."
"I…" Lightning stopped mid sentence. His eyes went wide, mouth hanging open, ear twitching. "Override acknowledged."
"Lightning?" Dan waved his hand in front of the pony's face. "Sparky? You there?"
"Set priority: return to base."
"Understood…" the pair said. Lightning Claw exploded in a flash of electricity, Firedancer erupted into flames. In a single blinding second, the two were gone.
Cloudsdale almost didn't look the same at night, especially not when seen through night vision goggles. It was a bit odd to Captain Springer even though she was used to night ops being run in pitch blackness. This wasn't even the first time she'd run nighttime ops with the Enclave in Cloudsdale but there was just something different about the city she was looking at now. Maybe it was the fact she knew almost everypony else was sleeping or that she hadn't seen it in a while. Or maybe it was the fact that she was approaching her home, the city of Cloudsdale, at an attack angle flanked by her wing mates.
And that before the sun rose, nopony would ever see Cloudsdale again.
She sighed and performed one last ready-check on her forces and wing ponies, the elite Hydra Squadron. Six green "Ready" lights winked back at her in her HUD. This was it. She held the ready signal for just one moment longer before giving the "Execute" order.
Opening her CLIPBuck, she popped in a holotape and pressed play, broadcasting it across the Enclave radio frequency and her force's comms. The pegasi, clad in black-painted Hailstorm armor, descended upon Cloudsdale. Music began to play inside their suits.
My Darling Dear,
Our time is at an end, I fear,
"Hey, Airlift? Airlift, you there?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you looking at your screen right now? I'm reading a bunch of inbounds coming in from the north-west."
"Probably just a flock of geese or something."
"I dunno but- hey, wait, are those Flutterbirds?"
"Huh… yeah, yeah those are Flutterbirds. What is the Enclave doing out-"
"OHMAIGAWD! OHMAIGAWD!!!"
And although I know it's not what you want to hear,
Please know, you are my Darling Dear
"Overwatch Station One, respond! This is Cloudsdale Control, does anypony copy?!"
"Control, this is Station Two! One is gone, repeat, One is gone! We've got fires all over the north side!"
"Sound the alarm! Scramble the emergency response team from the Enclave!"
"Control, it IS the Enclave! The Enclave is attacking Cloudsdale!!"
My Darling Dear,
I know not what will happen these coming years
"This is Station Five! We're losing structural integrity!"
"Diverting power now! Hang on, Five!"
"We've lost the stabilizer! We can't maintain- *KRRZZZZZSSH*"
Still, we have shared so many joys,
"The reactor is almost at critical! We're losing control!!"
So many cries
"I'M HIT!! I'M HIT- I'M GOING-"
And though we've both had our share of peers
"They're coming around again!! Brace for impa-"
Please know, you were always my Darling Dear
"Leader, this is Hydra Two. We've got ripple fire on all of the remaining spars."
Springer nodded. "Very good. We're clear to the reactor core?"
"Affirmative."
"Take it down."
"Acknowledged."
So, my Darling Dear
This one last time, please lend me your ear
And know that I am so sincere
"This is control to… to anyone…"
"*KZZZSSSHHH-KRRRZZSSHHH*"
"Evacuate… evacuate Cloudsdale now…"
"*Klrrsshhh-Klrrzzsshh*"
Though I go, my heart will be remaining near
"Get outta here while you… can… uhl-ahhhh…"
"*Krsshhtttt-cht*"
With you, and a love so very clear
Now please, don't shed a single tear
"The reactor has gone critical, ma'am."
"Confirmed. Cloudsdale is destroyed."
"All wings, fall back to base."
"Copy."
While I'm away, every single day, I'll still be wishing you were here
"What did you just do?!" Dan demanded. "Where are they?!"
The shimmering image of Vice Grip smirked. "Sorry to end your play date early but I need my assistants back."
"That was mind control magic!" Twilight exclaimed. "Or… what was that? What did you do to them?!"
"It was a different type of 'magic', little learner. The type that you and your beloved arcanist rulers have neglected for so long. There's not a single spell, not a potion, not stone, incantation or single feat of sorcery that I can't perform just as easily with science. You magicians have hoarded your secrets for too long, keeping ponies bewitched into idolizing you while you keep the nation in the dark, in the dirt, a perpetual Stone Age while-"
"We get it," Chrys said. "You don't like the princesses or the fact that Equestria's a bit low-tech."
Dan gave Vice a gruff look. "If you could make Lightning do anything you wanted, why not have him try to kill us? Kill the princesses?"
Vice Grip just scowled back. "Who's saying I didn't? At any rate, I have new plans for Equestria and they don't involve you or your little friends."
"Did they involve Cloudsdale?" Twilight asked. "Did they involve the princesses? You tell us what you've done with our friends, right now!!"
"Tsk tsk, so much rage, new princess. I think your human friend's nature is rubbing off on you. At any rate, I actually didn't do anything to Cloudsdale- the Enclave did. You all fail to realize that I'm only one part of FIST and that while you may bruise a thumb, we can still give you the finger," he smirked with the last remark. "What I did do is energize the rails around Ponyville-emm, excuse me, Bluebloodville, to keep you inside. Safe."
"So, what?" Dan asked, waving the hologram around. "We're just supposed to sit here and stay locked up while you get ready to attack something else?"
Vice looked directly at Dan, his eyes filled with cold anger. "Let me make this abundantly clear for you, Dan. This is your last chance. I've given you and your friends every opportunity to join me, which you turned down. You want to live in this backwards tyranny you call harmony? Fine, but stay out of my way. Live in your happy little arcanist paradise… cross me and you and all those close to you will be destroyed. Your world is ours now."
The projector abruptly shut off. Dan's hand shook, his face contorted into an expression of unrepentant anger. The small device vibrated in his hand until it cracked and Dan's fingers squeezed around the remains, turning it into scrap. Pieces of metal, screws and parts that had once been a communications device, hit the floor and rolled off in random directions or bounced away as if fleeing from disaster.
Twilight put a hoof on Dan's shoulder. "Dan… it's going to be all right."
"Yeah," Spike agreed, "he can't keep us locked up. He knows we'll find a way out of this."
"That's right, we will because we're resourceful. Vice knows that as a team, there's nothing we can't do."
"Exactly," Phoenix said, pointing at the remains of the projector. "He DOES know that. Which means he's probably planned for that or has something else planned."
"Blueblood," Shining Armor said, just the name but everyone knew it was enough, what he was implying. "He probably gave Blueblood that golden pony bot to distract us. I'm guessing that's why his friends took out Cloudsdale, too, maybe the princesses."
Cadence nodded. "He's trying to keep us isolated and distracted so we won't know what happens next."
Twilight tapped her hoof to her chin. "If he's trying to distract us… that means he's probably not ready for the next stage of his plans."
"Great," Dan said. "So he picked the most annoying, pompous, rich and bloated diversion in Equestria to keep us busy while he prepares for the next part of his evil scheme."
"It's not just Blueblood," the Mayor said. "It's every other pony in Ponyville, too. Without Cloudsdale, it's created a major crisis in town. Ponies rely on weather management for a lot of different things and without it, most folk around here don't know what to do."
"Wow, Ponyville really does rely on its neighbors," Chrys said. "Who knew accurate weather updates were really that important?"
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder had been abnormally quiet since Vice's call. When Chrys asked that question, they each raised a hoof, eyes to the ground.
"We did…" the twins said simultaneously.
The group turned to the sisters, who were still quiet. None of them said a word, didn't mention how guilty they looked. Neither of them raised their heads to meet the eyes of the others. Finally, they looked at each other and Fuse stepped forward.
"We're… we're with the Enclave," she admitted. "We were assigned to a special operations team as demolitions… deserted after we met you in the Crystal Empire.
Powder, the more timid sister, stepped forward. The two held each other. "But we copied the structural data for Cloudsdale and gave it to the Enclave."
"We told them where the city was weakest…" Fuse said, tears falling from her eyes. "We thought they were going to use the data to reinforce Cloudsdale, not destroy it…"
"Hey… hey," Phoenix moved to comfort the two. "It's going to be all right. You didn't know this would happen." (At least, I really hope not.)
Powder nodded. "We… we know where they're going next."
"What they're going to do with Cloudsdale…"
"What they're GOING to do with Cloudsdale?" Dan repeated. "But you just said they destroyed it."
Fuse shook her head. "We would've seen debris, the pegasi, anything, not clear skies. The Enclave might rip Cloudsdale apart but they wouldn't leave something useful behind. They probably broke it down piece by piece and took it with them."
Powder moved to the window and pointed outside. "The Enclave has hidden bases and outposts throughout Equestria all connected by railroad. They use old mining tracks and trains to move troops and supplies undetected."
"The mining rails?" Mayor Mare asked, baffled. "Those lines haven't been used in… well, over a thousand years. They were shutdown and left to degrade."
"Why's that?" Phoenix asked.
The mayor went behind her desk and opened up a drawer. "Ponies harvest the various minerals we need through ore cultivation. There's no need to go digging for stones or ores when we can just grow them on the surface."
"Ah… that makes sense."
Ore harvesting, more commonly referred to as "rock farming" was one of the primary industries of Equestria. Long ago, ponies mined for valuable resources but the process was abandoned after it was discovered they could simply grow rare ores as easily as they do plants. With a bit of magic and soil, earth ponies were able to plant magically-infused crystals called gemseeds which would grow into whatever materials they were around. While there were limits to what they could grow and how much, it effectively made mining obsolete. The original architect of the process was the first sole ruler of Equestria- Princess Quintessa Quartz and ancestor of Prince Blueblood.
While no one would question the benefits of the innovation of ore cultivation, the process placed more reliance on… and thereby gave more power to ponies that used magic, specifically Princess Quartz. Ponies like Vice Grip believed that this was a deliberate action in order to keep unicorns and alicorns in power and keep earth ponies as a cheap source of labor, dependent on magic. Most dismiss this as a conspiracy theory, a baseless notion that nopony took seriously. After all, the only ones who knew the truth were those who'd been born around that time.
Like Vice Grip.
"Makes sense," Dan said, rubbing his chin. "We'd never look for an organization trying to control the skies underground. Pretty smart… and pretty stupid, if you ask me."
Twilight shook her head. "How can something be smart AND stupid at the same time?"
"Well, smart because they're harder to find, stupid because it's harder to flee," Dan pounded his fists together. "Either way, we know where they are now. So we find these bases and take them out one by one until we find Vice Grip."
"Uh… I think revenge is going to have to wait at least a little while," Chrys said.
Twilight's face went blank. "You realize who you just told that to, right?"
Dan nodded. "She's right. I am me, after all. And as I always say, revenge is a dish best served immediately! Now it's time for… the retribution distribution."
Chrys held her hooves up defensively. "Look, I'm just saying, we're kind of trapped in the town right now. And Blueblood's out there marching through the streets in a walking, weaponized first-world problem. So maybe we should… consider serving Blueblood revenge first."
"Like a revenge appetizer," Blast Fuse said.
Her sister raised her hoof. "Oooh! Or a revenge kid's meal!"
Dan grinned. "The unhappiest meal of all. I like it."
"Er-hem," the mayor cleared her throat, "Not to interrupt, there's still the matter of pretty much every resident in Ponyville outside my office that has some kind of problem. How am I supposed to help them?"
Dan gestured outside the door. "I got an idea. Where are those two guys that are writing this story?"
"Umm… I dunno," Chrys said.
"Don't they usually show up in crowd scenes?" Twilight asked.
Dan nodded, grinning. "And we've got the biggest crowd scene so far right outside the door." He grabbed the handle and swung the door open. As luck would have it, yeah we actually were standing right in front of the door.
"Is this the line for the-"
"Yeah, we get the joke," Dan said. "Do you still have those phony raffle tickets?"
"Yes," Barro said. "He bought like eight rolls of the things."
"Great! I'm gonna need to borrow them. All of them."
Michael Hay gasped so hard his sunglasses actually fell off. "No… there's not ACTUALLY going to be a raffle, is there?"
Dan patted the story's director on the head. "Not quite, pal. But here, you two take these and start passing them back."
The two ponies looked at the rolls of raffle tickets. "You know where he's going with this?" Michael asked.
"Yeah, I think I do. Looks like we're going to get some use out of these things after all," Barro remarked, impressed.
"So it was a good thing I spent all our money on them!"
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves."
Within a few minutes, the raffle tickets had been passed out, all entirely at random. Dan rewired a digital clock and hung it above the office so everypony could see who was next while Mayor Mare used some recycled bingo cards to call out numbers. Before long, ponies were being helped and the crowd was getting smaller as satisfied residents left with solutions. Dan's team helped with every problem, every complaint, no matter how small or ridiculous.
Dan himself helped ponies by giving them free advice on security and ways to organize and prepare for various situations, regardless of likelihood. But seeing as how there had already been a zombie invasion once, at least residents would be more prepared next time. Chrys and Fluffle Puff helped with lost and found items while Twilight and Spike helped settle disputes among friends and offered guidance on what they could do to help. Phoenix provided legal consultation about zoning and regulations, a job that was actually both easy and difficult for the lawyer considering that Ponyville had literally no legal precedent for anything.
Finally, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder gave out free explosives that they assured everypony several times were strictly recreational-grade.
"Thanks for coming!" Powder said.
"Here's your bomb!"
"Wow!" Button Mash delightedly exclaimed. "This raffle gives out free bombs! Best government shutdown EVER!" The small colt was the last to leave, rolling a large bowling ball-like bomb the size of his body out the door.
"All right, that solves that for now," Dan said, wiping his hands off. "Now, where's the monarch?"
"You know, Dan…" Spike said, looking at the team around them. "I think we're all pretty worn out."
Dan looked at the group. They were all in classic poses of cartoon exhaustion, lying on their backs and panting. Phoenix's hair was slack with sweat and in much need of gel while his sport coat was in a bundle on a chair. Twilight and Chrys were propped up back-to-back, Fluffle's fluff was limp and mangy and Blast Fuse and Blast Powder were surrounded by more half-finished bombs than a Dreamworks Studios executive. Finally, the mayor was slumped at her desk, passed out in the middle of signing something.
"Okay, okay, we'll deal with Bloomers tomorrow. We'll wheelbarrow everybody back home, then I'm going to need your help scraping my chariot off the road," Dan said.
"*ZZzzzzznnnzzzz…*"
Turning back to him, Dan saw his purple dragon companion had suddenly fallen asleep as well. Or he was faking it. Either way, Dan rolled his eyes, seeing as how it was up to him yet again to get everyone home safely. He did so happily, though, one at a time, shouldering the burden with a smile on his face. He returned each of his friends to the library, rolling Fluffle Puff inside just as the sun went down. Dan crashed on the couch, making the decision to pick things up tomorrow unanimous.
Back on Earth, Dan had not been much of a morning person. But there was something special about mornings in Equestria, the way everything seemed to wake up when the sun hit it. It was an invigorating feeling and Dan had felt it, too. He was always refreshed in the mornings and eager to start the day early with his routine perimeter check. Equestria was just so much more vibrant and alive than dreary, urban North Hollywood. Though, maybe his views on mornings had improved because he had those he cared about to share them with.
Dan woke up from the couch, the others from wherever they'd been laid on the floor. Dan was smiled as he watched them rise and stretch.
"Thppppppppp," Fluffle made a long, lethargic raspberry. Slept hard… body not soft enough to use as pillow. Remember to keep pillow with me at all times from now on.
"We got home… somehow," Phoenix said, rising next. The lawyer took a moment to straighten out his lopsided hair, which somehow formed back into its original style with just a couple combs of his hand.
"Weren't we… at the mayor's office?" Chrys asked.
"Yesterday we were," Dan said. "Guess all that government work tired you guys out. You passed out on the floor and I had to drag each one of you home."
"Oh… thanks, Dan," Chrys said, smiling.
"Thank you, Dan. I would like to say we would've helped if you woke us up…" Twilight said, looking around at the others. "But I think we appreciate you taking us home. Thank you."
Dan shrugged. "Well, you did the same thing for me when I first got here. So… we're even now," he said, rubbing the purple mare's mane.
Twilight smiled, giggling. "Haha, more or less, any way," she grabbed his hand. "I'm happy you're here with us."
"Happy to be here with you, Twilight," Dan replied. "But if we don't remove the current ruler, the whole town will probably move away."
"If they haven't started already," Chrys added. Together, the group gathered in the kitchen and retrieved various breakfast items. Dan and Phoenix had a couple oranges, Twilight and Chrys had grapefruit, Spike had a gem-based cereal, Owlowicious had his birdseed, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder both had toast and jam. Fluffle Puff devoured her usual breakfast: a dozen fresh-baked pies of various flavor including watermelon. Yeah, you read that correctly: watermelon pie. I know, right? It's real- I'm not even making it up. Go on, Google it. Or Bing it. Oh, come on. I like Bing. It's less obnoxious than Google is sometimes and the graphics on the main page are pretty.
So anyway, they all had breakfast and discussed what they were going to do that day.
"To be honest Dan, I'm not sure what it will take," Blast Fuse said.
"We kinda got lucky with the Gears in the Crystal Empire. You were able to keep Vice distracted long enough for us to place bungie charges on all of 'em."
"We're talking about ONE Gear," Dan said, holding his hands close together for emphasis. "I can distract Blueblood, heck, ANYBODY could distract Blueblood, and while we keep him busy, you two plant your charges and rig his golden monstrosity to blow sky high."
"How exactly are you planning on distracting him?" Shining asked.
Dan nudged Phoenix in the shoulder. "Our personal legal advisor here has it all figured out. Tell 'em, Nicky."
Phoenix folded his arms. "We actually found a legal precedent that applies here. Last Hearth's Warming-"
"Christmas."
"Last WINTER, Vice Grip brought a Magic Gear into town as part of a holiday demonstration. Dan's allowed to make impromptu adjustments on any holiday-themed decorations if he deems it a risk to security," Phoenix recounted. "So technically, we can make the argument that the Magic Gear is essentially an oversized decoration, giving Dan the right to "modify" it anyway he sees fit."
The aggressive human smirked. "And I think it'll look great on top of the scrap pile with the good prince in tears somewhere nearby. Spike, get a camera ready."
"Way ahead of you, Dan." The purple dragon was actually dressed up like Frank West and had a tripod and several HD digital cameras ready. He gave Dan a thumbs-up.
"And…" Twilight stepped forward, somewhat shyly. "Well, the goal is to get Prince Blueblood to dismount the Magic Gear and walk to minimum safe distance. We don't want to hurt Prince Blueblood-"
"Yes we do."
"-but we're willing to do what's necessary to protect the town. There's no telling what that Magic Gear of his has in it or what it could do. For all we know, it could be a targeting beacon for Vice to launch a Sword spell wherever Blueblood is," Twilight explained.
Chrys raised her hoof. "To be honest though, who here hasn't thought about nuking Blueblood?"
Much to everyone's surprise, they all raised their hooves. Even Phoenix.
"See?" Dan pointed him out. "Even the smart guy wants to blow him up."
The lawyer recoiled defensively. "H-hey! I just don't like the way he seized power while everyone was away!"
Twilight was shocked to see her own hoof raised. "Well… I think I might want to see if we have any books on anger management. But the point is, if Blueblood doesn't get off his literal high horse, I am… going to discuss with him marriage. Just discuss!" she held up her hooves. "I'm not marrying him even if he threatens to rename everything in Equestria after himself."
"He probably already has," Phoenix commented.
Cadence patted her sister-in-law on the back. "We do appreciate you taking one for the team, Twilight." The purple pony looked back at her and smiled, nodding solemnly.
"N-not that you'll actually be taking anything," Shining quickly clarified before the audience could come up with any funny ideas. Too late, for many. "Much less *gulp*,… vows."
"The only vow we're taking is to kick the arse of any pony, person or otherwise that tries to mess with our town," Dan said, getting out of his chair. "And once we're finished, we go get my chariot back."
"Um, Dan," Twilight stopped him, "hang on a sec."
"What's up?"
"Before you try to fix your chariot, there's something I wanted to show you."
Dan quirked an eyebrow. "Oh?"
Twilight nodded. "It's in the hangar. I think you'll like it. Knowing you, and all," she winked.
Chrys smiled as well. "I added a few things, too. You're going to love it~" she said, nuzzling Dan's arm.
"Okay…" the human replied, skeptical but excited. "Show me what you've got."
Twilight nodded. "This way!" She pulled Dan hurriedly out of the kitchen and through the adjacent corridor to the library's east wing.
"After you crashed my helicopter… and subsequent helicopters, we figured you could use your own vehicle," Twilight said.
"Hey, a couple of those weren't even my fault," Dan said, being tugged by his wrist. "And half of them were landing accidents, not crashes I was in the cockpit for."
"It's okay, Dan, really," she reassured him. "I trust your driving/piloting capabilities by now. My own, that's another story but we won't worry about that. For now, I have a surprise."
"Surprise?" The pair of them entered the hangar. Twilight's personal chopper, the Twilicopter, occupied one side of the room and looked more or less repaired from what Dan could tell. Strangely though, the hangar looked like it had been cleaned recently and there was a lot less clutter. Spike's sculpting utensils and projects were gone, as were the other things they stored in there like gliders and kites.
"You cleaned the hangar?" Dan asked. "Well, I admit, the floor did need to be swept but I don't see what's so-"
"Not that," Twilight said, grinning. "This." She hit a button on the wall.
In front of them, the floor separated into two doors and began to retract slowly. Dan had seen that before as well, albeit the doors seemed to be a little larger than they'd been when he was last there. The platform at the bottom began to rise, spinning yellow lights signaling the ascent of something new and dangerous.
"I talked to Princess Luna about why she felt Equestria needed a better defense. I convinced her to let me try to make something of my own and well… this is what we came up with," Twilight said.
The platform clicked into place, connecting with the floor. On it was a craft that Dan could've sworn looked familiar to him but not quite. It was a Y-Wing, or at least, had the shape of a Y-Wing, something else he thought he'd seen in the hangar before but this one was different. Its engines were bent downward, almost like it was resting- or even standing on them. Not only that, it had four of them, another pair of pylons attached to the central spar with its own set of engines. The cockpit had a horseshoe built into the nose and two pairs of gun barrels sticking out of either side. The machine actually kind of looked like a pony in its own way.
Dan was unable to take his eyes off it. "You got me my own Y-Wing?"
"We built it," Twilight said. "We took ideas from all that's happened so far- the rocket engines from the train, the fuselage from Flim and Flam, the helicopter Derpy loaned you, the Flutterbirds, the lance you used trying to pole vault over the wall, the cloud ride Rainbow Dash talked about, even the plane you fell out of- and put them together. This is the result. It's a new vehicle, like your own anti-Magic Gear. We call it the M/Y-Wing."
Koensayr BTL-M6 My Little Pony-Wing(M/Y-Wing) Dan's starfighter
Twilight walked to the nose of the craft. "It's got four gatling blasters in front. They use magic, not lasers or bullets so it's kind of like when you use me as a machine gun. It can deploy any kind of ordnance- mines, bombs, missiles, rockets, torpedoes(both photon and proton), unmanned drones and even those spongey lawn darts," she explained. She then walked around to the legs. "It can fly, walk and travel in pretty much any direction when it's hovering. But it requires both a pilot and a navigator so you need someone to work all the stuff it can do."
Chrys, who just walked in, threw her foreleg around Dan's shoulders. "Did you tell him about what I put into it?"
Twilight giggled. "I was just about to. Also, it has an autopilot function so you can take a break… and watch movies on the display screen in the cockpit if you want. Like, I dunno, Revenge of The Nerds for example," she said, giving him a knowing wink.
Dan felt like he was about to cry tears of joy. "It's… it's not my car," he said, blubbering. "But it'll do nicely, Twilight. It'll do… nicely… indeed." Overcome, he grabbed the purple mare and hugged her tighter than he's ever hugged her before. Chrys joined in.
"Let's use it on Blueblood!!" Dan exclaimed, practically holding Chrys and Twilight above his head. "Let's use it on him and his golden gear right now!!"
"Umm…" Twilight raised her hoof.
"Umm…" Chrys echoed.
Dan frowned at both of them. "Okay, I know what that means. Tell me what's wrong with my new starfighter."
"Well…" Twilight started talking but trailed off.
Dan held up his hand. "Wait, no. Let me guess. The cup holders can't differentiate between hot and cold beverages? So it might wind up warming up a soda or chilling hot cocoa?"
"Bleh, no one wants cold cocoa," Chrys said.
"No, Dan, everything is fine with the M/Y-Wing but it's missing a part."
Dan looked back at the craft. "I see… and which part is that?"
Chrys walked over to the machine. "We installed a lot to it but based on what we know about Magic Gear, none of the weapons that we can equip can destroy one. The only weapon we think can take one out is… one we've encountered before."
"Vinyl's bass cannon," Dan guessed. The changeling nodded. "Lightning said Vice was afraid they might use a sound-based weapon against the Magic Gears."
Twilight nodded. "Princess Luna commissioned several parties to design the "perfect defense" for Equestria. The purpose was to build a weapon that would protect Equestria from any and all threats at any and all times. Most of the groups contracted to the project suggested massively destructive weapons: satellite platforms that used solar energy to fire huge beams, a device that could teleport bombs, a massive mind control signal amplifier and even a facility that could control the weather. And of course, Vice Grip's company Future Integrations Stable-Tec suggested the Magic Gear which Luna approved on."
"But Luna never said the "perfect defense" had to be some sort of colossal, destructive force or anything. Vinyl and Octavia were the only group that was contracted that actually provided a non-lethal suggestion," Chrys said. "We accidentally ruined their demonstration back when they first opened the Wubway here in town. They were planning on using their business as a way to provide Equestria with the perfect defense- a bass cannon in every city that would both increase the partying and the defensive capability of the entire kingdom."
"Huh," Dan said, putting his hands on his hips. "I kinda feel bad about destroying their store so many times. But they did wreck the library, which took us a long time to fix."
"They were just testing it out," Twilight said. "It only damaged the library because it wasn't acoustically calibrated yet. But it didn't hurt any pony and it wouldn't have done any damage if it had just been adjusted a little. Once they fixed it up a bit, the bass cannon would be able to devastate any other weapon without harming the town."
"Wow, it really was the perfect weapon," Dan remarked. "A really loud, destructive force that could rip apart any robot or missile that came at the town and the worst that could happen to Ponyville afterward would be they might need to redecorate. So it's almost like a portable version of… me." He placed a hand on the fighter's hull. It was like something out of Galaga and from the inside of the cockpit, the controls even looked similar. "So you guys built this together?"
Twilight nodded. "After we found out about Luna's project, we decided to make our own perfect defense. Rainbow Dash provided the engines, Rarity crafted the frame, Fluttershy programmed the targeting system, Applejack applied the armor, Pinkie attached the weapons and I installed the controls while Chrys put in the DVD player."
"We all built it… for you," Chrys said. "With you, now it's complete."
All three of them touched the craft, hands and hooves side-by-side. One of them an arsonist, the other an arcanist and one of them at one point an antagonist. But it was moments like these where they didn't know which was which with the previous statement. They were different yet similar in many ways. And they had come together to protect this world.
An explosion shook the walls of the treehouse. A loud rumble echoed in the distance, like thunder at ground-level. They had to steady themselves to keep from falling over.
"That can't be good. If it's Blueblood, it means we'll have to fly this thing later," Dan said. He bolted out the door quickly and ran down the hallway, followed by Twilight and Chrys. "We'll have to get the bass cannon installed as soon as we can! Before that idiot nukes the town!!"
They burst into the living room, nearly sliding on the carpet in front of the door as they entered.
"Dan!" Phoenix yelled, at the control console by the door. "How do I turn on the defenses for the house?!"
Dan walked over to him. "Did you log in first?"
"Yes, I used the "Guest" log in."
"Okay, go over to the shortcut to Home Defenses," Dan instructed.
"I did this already. I double-click, right?"
"No, right-click it."
"Right-click?"
Dan looked over his shoulder. "Yeah, if you sign in as "Guest", you have to run it as admin."
Blast Fuse, Blast Powder, Spike were looking out through the windows. "Uh, guys? Might wanna do something about this."
"We're working on it," Dan said.
"What the heck is this? Now it says I have to configure some kind of video player," Phoenix said, baffled.
"Oh, that's easy. Just go to Settings."
"Hurry guys!" Fuse's voice sounded worried. Another blast rocked the house.
"Okay, now click Allow Once."
Two more explosions. Fluffle Puff fell off the ceiling and landed on the couch, bouncing.
"Okay, now you need to update your drivers. Do you remember what kind of video card we have?"
Phoenix spun around. "You expect me to keep track of all this information?! I don't even keep track of all my case files alone!"
"We don't have time for this!!" Shining yelled. "Dan, I'm going out there! Protect Cadence and my sister!"
"Oh no you don't, Shiny!" Dan grabbed him. "If you go out there, we're coming to! Nicky, get my back!"
(Great, first I was an IT guy and now I'm minuteman. Still beats dealing with whatever software Dan installed.) "I got your back, Dan! Whoever's behind me, get mine!"
"We volunteer!" the Blast sisters exclaimed, trotting close behind as they all exited together.
Outside on the lawn, it didn't take them long to find out what was causing the explosions. Dan took two steps outside, looked up and stopped.
"Okay… where the heck did those come from?"
Up about the same height Cloudsdale used to be at were what looked like galleons. Six wooden sailing ships hovered low over Ponyville, cannons aimed at the town. One of them fired into the center of Ponyville, hitting a gazebo in the park. The cannonball exploded on the small, wooden structure, turning it into a massive ball of fire that left only a crater behind and wooden shrapnel.
At the same time as the attack was going down, Derpy Hooves was delivering mail to their mailbox. The gray mare waved at them. "Hi guys!" Despite the fact the town was in imminent danger, she appeared just as cheery as she normally did.
"DERPY!! GET DOWN!!" Chrys yelled.
"What?" Derpy asked, looking at her hooves. "Did I drop something?"
Shining, Phoenix and Dan ran at her and tackled the mare to the ground, desperate to shield her from the oncoming fire. But she was still looking in her saddle bags to see if she'd lost anything and just randomly decided to fly up as the three brave heroes jumped, missing her entirely and hit the dirt instead.
"Nope, I think I got everything! Thanks anyway, though," she said, patting them on the heads.
"Derpy," Dan grabbed her by the hoof. "Derpy, you have to get out of here. Those airships from Super Mario Bros. 3 are attacking the town."
"Oh," she said, looking up over her shoulder. "That's okay. Edge will take care of it."
One of the airships rotated its cannons right at their position. Just before it fired, streaks of red blazed through the sky from above and poured down on it. The airship exploded into a ball of cinders, smoke and aerial flotsam, cascading down onto Ponyville in a burning hulk that landed in the middle of the market square. Several unoccupied stalls and kiosks were flattened, others were incinerated.
"There he is now!"
The others looked up but could only see the battle in progress. More red bolts erupted from the clouds above the flotilla, ripping apart two of the other galleons. The others turned their cannons upward and turned around, departing in a rush. Several figures darted among the ships, destroying another one as the two escaped. When they were finally away from Ponyville, they turned around and flew back to town. The figuress came closer and closer to Dan and the gang, approaching at high speed until they finally coalesced into the form of pegasi.
An orange pegasus with a brown mane and white chest and wings flew right up to Dan and the others, pulling up just in front of the mailbox. He wore a strange belt around his middle just under both his wings. The belt had four wings in a distinctive X-shape with a gun barrel on each tip.
"Okay, this is going to sound weird but… do any of you know who those guys were?" Edge asked. They all stared back at him blankly, either bewildered by what he asked or his appearance. "Did they say anything before they got here? Make any kind of threats?"
Another pegasus, yellow with a dark gray mane and tail, landed next to him. "They didn't really have any license plates that we noticed… not that we were looking while shooting them."
Dan pointed at the orange stallion. "Edge, right? You're Commander Edge Antares. And you, it was West, right? You're those air patrol guys."
"We're the only air patrol guys at the moment," Edge said grimly. "Cloudsdale's gone, the Wonderbolt Academy's been ransacked, the only other pegasi in town is the postal service and we're getting attacked by flying pirate ships. Yeah, I could use more air patrol guys right now."
"Relax, Edge," Derpy said, batting away the concern like it wasn't a big deal. "I'm sure Cloudsdale's all right wherever it is."
"All due respect, general, but we can't wait around for it to show up again if it even will," Edge said.
Phoenix held up a finger. "You just called Derpy 'general'."
The gray mare saluted. "Acting postmaster general, at your service! At least, until they fix up the post office again after a helicopter crashed into it."
The yellow stallion, West, smirked. "Derpy's the highest ranking pegasus in Equestria with Spitfire MIA, making her the general."
"Eh-hem," Derpy cleared her throat. "That's postmaster general, West. At least until Sendy gets back from making his insurance claim."
"Either way, we're the only pegasi left in town," Edge said, folding his forelegs. "Didn't you install some sort of defense system on your library recently?"
"We did," Phoenix said, rubbing the back of his neck, "but we're having trouble logging in at the moment."
Dan cracked his knuckles. "Not for long. Gimme two minutes and Ponyville's airspace will have coverage once again."
Two Hours Later
"Okay, now go to Options."
"We just went to Options!" Phoenix protested. "This is the third time we went to Options!"
Dan patted him on the shoulder. "This will be the last time, okay?"
"Rrrrrrrggh…"
"You know what, let's just call customer service," Dan said, pulling out his phone and dialing the number. "Got 'em on speed dial. Hello? Yes, Getoffmailawn customer service? Can I speak to a representative, please?"
"Certainly, sir! Let me connect you right away. This will just take a moment."
Three Hours Later
"No, YOU don't understand!" Dan yelled into his phone. "I've been on hold for THREE HOURS trying to speak to a representative from customer service and you-"
"We apologize for the inconvenience, sir. Getoffmailawn values you as a customer."
"What does that even mean?! What does that even MEAN?!!" Dan raged.
"I'm very sorry, sir. Would you like to speak to a supervisor?"
"YES!!! Wait, I mean-"
"Certainly, sir! A customer service supervisor will be with in you in just a moment."
Nine Hours Later
"Okay, we're updating the drivers now. How long is this going to take?"
"Holy crap! You guys look like me!!" Fluffle exclaimed. She quickly looked down at herself. "I HAVE HANDS!!! I CAN HUG YOU GUYS NOW!!!" The humanized mare grabbed and squeezed the fluffified humans.
"Thrrrrrrrrrrrggggth," Dan growled.
"Thbbbth, thppp thppp thbbb thmm thbbb thbbbpp thppp thbbbth." Dan, I think I know what the problem is.
Fluffy Phoenix pointed at the screen. "Thmmm thmmm thbbtth-thbbb thbbbth. Thbbb thpppp thmmm thmmm thppp thbbbth." We activated Fluffle Puff mode. I think I can undo it.
"ThrrrrrrrrrggggrrrrrrrrrrrAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGTH!!!" How frustrating. I am pleased that the situation can easily be resolved. Please, proceed.
Thppppp-After That
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FREAKING THING?!!" Dan yelled, grabbing the console. "WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD ONLY WORK ONCE BEFORE IT BREAKS?!!!"
Phoenix was in the middle of reading the manual. "Why are half the instructions in English and the other half are in French? That doesn't make any sense!!" he said, flipping over the papers. "It goes from step four to le step five! WHY IS STEP FIVE IN FRENCH??!! THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!"
Twilight Sparkle walked over to them and looked at the screen. "Did you try turning it off and turning it back on?"
Dan frowned at the purple mare. "If it was REALLY that simple to fix this thing, don't you think we would've tried it already?"
Twilight shrugged. "Well, you could try it now. It should only take a second."
Literally One Second Later
"I can't believe that actually worked," Phoenix remarked.
"Beginner's luck," Dan said, folding his arms.
"H4X!! I CALL H4X!!!" Chrys exclaimed.
Twilight chuckled to herself. "It's okay, guys. Looks like the security system is working now. Better late than never, right?"
"Yeah… something like that," Edge said, looking haggard. He wiped the sweat from his forehead as he walked in, regaining his composure. "Okay, I think with proper air defense coverage, we can finally take a break, maybe start looking for Cloudsdale now."
"Eeeeyup!" Derpy nodded. She reached into her saddlebag again. "I have a lot of mail for those guys so we need to find wherever they moved Cloudsdale to right away."
Edge sighed. "Yes… because the mail is a top priority when the nation is in a state of emergency."
Derpy laughed. "Well, of course it is, Edge! How else are ponies going to know there even is a state of emergency if they don't get mail for it?"
"She's got you there, commander," West said, folding his hooves.
"At any rate, we're going to stick around in town for a while," Edge said to Dan and the others. He hooved Dan a tube-shaped object with some kind of speaker on it. "That's a two-way commlink keyed into Rogue Squadron's frequency. You press the button on the bottom and give us a call and we'll come flying wherever you are, lasers blazing."
"Ooooh, thanks," Dan said. "My own private pegasus air strike service! Can you guys deliver pizza, too?"
"If you want it with a incendiary, armor-piercing and area-of-effect yield, then yes," Edge replied.
The Blast sisters exchanged excited glances. "That sounds like our kind of pizza."
"Undoubtedly," Edge said, heading for the door. "Well, the general has decided we have letters to deliver in the meantime. We'll see you guys later, call us if there's trouble."
Online once again, the Golden Oaks Library's security system began scanning Equestrian airspace for threats. The remaining pirate ship had retreated to the border to the south, heading into the badlands. Its speed had reduced; whoever was on board probably thought it was safe in a different territory. But 'safe' was a term Dan only afforded to his friends, not to his enemies. The treehouse targeted the flying galleon and determined the most appropriate response to a retreating enemy. Dan, then, chose a different response that he determined was more appropriate.
The missile was the length of a telephone pole and was twice the diameter of one of Applejack's largest cider barrels. It launched from the treehouse with enough force to shake the ground around it but did nothing to rock the library's foundation. The missile arced through the sky over the roofs of Ponyville, looking very much like an Apollo rocket at low altitude. Suffice to say, it looked about as out of place as you'd think a giant, jet-powered middle finger would looking flying low under the skies of Equestria.
The galleon didn't move, didn't adjust course, didn't try to repel the missile as it raced toward it. The missile burned through the sky and reached its target just as the ship passed the border into the badlands territory. Made of ceramic crystalline carbon, the missile punched through the hull of the ship, splintering the wood and creating an instant hole that would've sunk the ship on its own. It plunged through the deck and out the bottom of the the ship, arcing towards the ground.
The ship began plummeting toward the ground but the missile quickly adjusted course. With its speed slightly reduced, the explosive payload it carried was now officially armed and rigged to detonate for proximity after it failed to detonate on impact. It pulled up and pierced the underside of the ship again and exploded.
The explosion was large enough to be seen from Canterlot, a mushroom cloud without the radiation but all of the force and fire. The galleon, the border and the sky around it were incinerated.
Dan smiled at the destruction through the periscope that had conveniently descended in the middle of the living room. "Ahhh, as they say, better safe than sorry. And there's nothing like staying safe by making someone else sorry… and nuking their sorry hides from halfway across the country. Surface-to-Air Missiles- the apology you can't not accept."
"Wait," Twilight held up her hoof, "wouldn't they be apologizing? If they were the ones who made the incursion, wouldn't their leaving be them saying sorry?"
"Eeeyep," Dan said, patting his apprentice of destruction on her mane. "And the missile is my way of accepting their apology while delivering my own."
"As in, we're sorry we can't let you leave," Blast Fuse said.
"And I'm sorry you're about to get blown up," Powder snickered.
The human laughed. They were all learning quickly, something he was happy to see. "Let's go give an apology to Blueblood together now!"
The explosive sisters held up various kind of ordnance that materialized from who knows where. "Armor-piercing or incendiary apologies?"
"Probably going to be a long day. Bring both."
"Okie."
"Dan," Twilight was quick to stop him. Shining and Cadence were quick to stand by and support her. "You can't go blowing him just because he's…"
"He's intolerable," Cadence was quick to bring up. "But he's only one of the Canterlot elite. There's dozens of them, all in line somewhere or another for their seat at the throne and they all want a turn at it."
"The royal family's just like that- they're not even really related to Celestia or Luna or Twilight," Shining explained. "Not by blood, anyway. A long time ago, a unicorn established herself as caretaker and guardian to Celestia and Luna, making all her descendants part of the royal family."
"Wait," Phoenix raised both hands, "a unicorn just 'established' herself as a mother figure to Princess Celestia? Who exactly gave her the power to do that?"
"Celestia and Luna were foals for several thousand years," Cadence said.
"S-several thousand years?!" Phoenix stuttered. (Talk about being young forever. Alicorns must age differently than normal ponies, easy enough explanation. Probably a good thing, too; couple thousand years of Blueblood and we wouldn't have an Equestria.
"So, you're saying Blueblood's from a very long line of Bluebloods," Dan said, nodding. "And I have to kill them all, yes."
"Yes- eh, NO!" Twilight yelled.
"I have to kill most of them?"
"NO!" Twilight yelled again.
"I have to kill half and then the others, I just torture for a while until they wish they'd never been born?"
"NOOOO!!" she was joined by her brother and sister-in-law.
But Dan continued. "I kill some of them and then the others I-"
"NOOOO!!!"
"-and then we grind them into tiny bits that the others use as currency so every time they make a purchase they'll-"
"NOOOOO!!!!"
"-then we get the duct tape, some belt sanders, a crowbar-"
"Dan, stop!" Twilight yelled, panting. This was the longest her family and Dan had spent together since they met and maybe the first problem they'd solve together. While Twilight had no doubt they would reach a peaceful resolution, she knew that Dan was the kind of person who usually arrived at a peaceful conclusion through violent processes. But together, they could keep things stable. For every pony's sake.
Chrys moved over and placed her hooves on his shoulders. "Dan, sweetie, I know you're eager to use all your toys and tactics against Blueblood but…"
"We have to give diplomacy a chance," Twilight said.
"Diplomacy," Dan repeated. "You mean like we tried with Vice Grip?"
Chrys turned to Twilight. "He's got a point, Twi."
"We gave diplomacy a chance, and the world was nearly destroyed. But look what happened just two minutes ago! We launched one missile and boom! Problem solved. I think we should give nukes a chance."
Twilight sighed. "That's exactly what Vice Grip would say," she said, sadly.
"I…" Dan stopped. He opened and closed his fist, midair.
They were all silent.
Dan's mouth worked for a moment. "I… I'm not like him," he said, sounding unsure. "You know I wouldn't do anything, you know, rash."
She nodded. "I know. I worry sometimes but I trust you. I know you wouldn't do anything that would hurt us… but I think others might need to see that."
"I need… to show them that? And how do you propose I do that?"
Northern Equestria, Currently Contested Territory Prosperity Mountain Range, Restricted Area Prosperity Base Sublevel 2- Research and Design
Vice Grip very carefully tightened the screw on the reactor coupling. The laboratory table he stood at was covered in screws and parts, various pieces of technology he was using to build a new stabilizing system for his Cogsdale Carrier warships. Soon, Captain Springer would arrive with the Daedalus Reactor from Cloudsdale needed to power it and it would be ready for installation. He just needed to make sure that the couplings attached to the reactor were tight and could take the pressure and that meant precision when maintaining them. It was something he had to do himself.
The coupling itself was just a cylinder that connected the reactor to the housing and stabilized the various forms of energy within, keeping them at nice, safe levels using buffer elements. Effectively, it was the catalyst needed to bring the reactor online, keep the reactor running, prevent it from overloading and keep it attached to the housing. It was a very vital piece of machinery and so absolute precise calibrations were needed to make sure it did its job.
Calmly, Vice turned the coupling on its side in its stand. The last bolt that needed tightening was on the top so the seal would hold together over the sensitive mechanics. He carefully placed the wrench on the bolt and, very carefully, began to turn it.
That's when music began playing through the base's intercom system.
"GAHH!!"
*KRRRRRRNGG-KTCH*
"What? The squee?!!" He looked up, confused as to where the sound was coming from before he realized it was the speakers in the room. He looked down at the coupling. The wrench and bolt had both fallen off from the force he applied. No doubt, the bolt was stripped as well, rending the coupling useless.
Anger boiled inside of him. He looked up at the speakers, fuming. "The squee is that noise?!!" He immediately got up from his lab station, stormed down the hallway and was surprised to see that the main testing room had apparently been converted into an amphitheater.
"What the squee is this? Who built all this?!!" It was then Vice recognized what music was playing. "Wait… is that the Village People? Oh gawd, no…"
On the stage, an entire platoon of fully-armored Enclave pegasi marched to the beat. In the center, Captain Springer, helmet removed, began singing.
Where can you find glory? Seize your own victory? Subjugate the populace?
Where can you begin To make your dreams all come true If you want to conquer and oppress?
Where can you get perks? Learn how power armor works? Use missiles and plasma weapons?
Join now, protect our nation From insubordination! Even if we always lose to Dan and his friends
IN THE ENCLAVE Yes, you can dominate the skies!
IN THE ENCLAVE Rule the world from way up high!
IN THE ENCLAVE Come join your fellow pegasi~
IN THE ENCLAVE Come on, just please give it a try~ IN THE ENCLAVE Cuz It's fun to be the bad guys! IN THE ENCLAVE In the Enclave! IN THE ENCLAVE In the Enclave!!
If you want to be a tyrant Don't you wait to try it Give the villain's side a chance!
As long as you are willing To give up your freedom There's always plenty of room to advance~
If you love weapon science Have a thirst for violence And think racial supremacy is fun~
You can come and sign up Or you'll join the lineup We're conscripting everyone!!
IN THE ENCLAVE You can dominate the skies!
IN THE ENCLAVE Rule the world from way up high!
IN THE ENCLAVE Come join your fellow pegasi!
IN THE ENCLAVE Even though we're all despised! IN THE ENCLAVE Cuz after all, we're the bad guys! IN THE ENCLAVE In the Enclave! IN THE ENCLAVE In the Enclave!!
They want YOU They want YOU They want YOU and your family TOO
Wait, me?
They want YOU They want YOU They want YOU and your family TOO
But… But… But I'm afraid of flying!!
They Want YOU
Hey man, I don't even look up stuff in the dictionary!
They Want YOU
Sweet Celestia, what am I gonna do in a gunship?!
They Want YOU IN THE ENCLAVE! *repeat chorus, fade out*
Lights immediately illuminated the stage. Seated in the front row, Gary Busey stood up and applauded.
"Bravo guys, real nice. Real nice. I remember they talked about doing a rendition of that song on the set of Under Siege but they never went through with it."
Vice was less than impressed. "What the squeeing squee is this?!!"
"It's a musical number," Gary said. "Kind of like, y'know, a catchy interlude to add a little-"
"WHY ARE YOU HERE?!!" Vice shouted at the actor. "Are you even IN this story or not? Is this guy canon? Can somepony answer me that- is this guy actually in this story or not?!"
Gary Busey shrugged. "I kinda just come and go."
"GET OUT!!"
"You're out of lunchables, by the way."
"OUT!!!" Vice pointed towards the door. Hands held up as not to offend, Gary Busey walked down the corridor to squee knows where.
Vice turned his attention to the stage. "Captain…"
"All right people, that's a wrap for the day. You're all dismissed."
The other Enclave ponies dispersed, marching off in different directions. Captain Springer remained, going over a list on her armor's integrated CLIPbuck. Vice approached her, boots clanging off the steps up to the stage. At first, his steps seemed like any other armored hoof steps but as they came closer, finally she noticed him.
"Oh, uh, sir," she saluted.
Vice smiled at her, a delightful, plucky grin to conceal his rage. "Good evening, captain."
"Yes, uh, good evening to you, too, sir. Did you come out to see the-"
"I have just one question for you, captain."
"Yes, sir?"
"WHY THE squeeING squee ARE YOU MAKING A squeeING MUSIC VIDEO IN THE MIDDLE OF MY squeeING BASE?!!!"
Captain Springer closed her eyes as if to avoid the close-range verbal assault. "Sir, we were-"
"Do you have ANY idea what we've lost recently?!" he yelled in her face. "In case it hasn't gotten through to you, the Crystal Empire was NOT a victory for us. We've lost over A THOUSAND Gears, A THOUSAND Swords, material, equipment and resources we CAN'T get back!" Vice vented. "We must now buy time in order to recover from this setback before we can set the next phase of the plan in motion. And that does NOT involve wasting energy and resources on a DISCO PARODY!!"
"I don't know," a voice said from behind them. "Maybe disco isn't as much of a waste as some of your other projects."
"I-" Vice stopped. Room temperature always seemed to drop when the Director was present, like the front door of a house being opened in the middle of a blizzard. A hazy mist seemed to follow her where she went and everything around her got just a little bit darker.
"Madam Director!" Springer saluted again.
The hooded creature smiled. "Good to see you, captain. Was the raid fun?"
"Uh… I, uh, um… fun, ma'am?" Captain Springer looked puzzled. "It… it was successful, if that's what you meant." Springer honestly hadn't thought much about her home since she'd destroyed it. While she had carried out the order alongside her fellow Enclave ponies and blown Cloudsdale and most of the pegasi there to bits, she certainly hadn't enjoyed it. She followed orders and understood that Cloudsdale represented a threat so it had to be removed. It wasn't like she was happy about it; she was just doing her job. Now that she had time to think about it, something approaching regret settled in her stomach.
The Director nodded. "Good. The Tears of Daedalus will be useful in the next phase of our operations."
"Were you the one who put them up to this?" Vice asked. "A music video? That was your idea, wasn't it? This is critical to our plans HOW?"
The Director turned to him and smiled. "Recruitment, of course. As you said, we lost a lot of resources in the Crystal Empire and we need to recoup our losses. One way is with more pegasus power."
"I was more referring to material resources rather than soldiers," Vice corrected her. "We have plenty of units to match what little defenses the royal guard has. Without enough Sword-equipped Magic Gears though, we've lost our trump card. We've got nothing to coerce them with or defend ourselves with if necessary until we build enough of them back."
"We've got bigger problems than your broken tinker toys at the moment," the Director said.
Vice's jaw dropped a little. "Tinker toys?"
"Derpy's been promoted to leader of the pegasi now that most of the other pegasi are MIA," the Director continued.
"The mail mare?" Vice asked. "Cute blonde obsessed with baked goods? How is she a threat to us?"
"She's called in Rogue Squadron," the Director stated.
"A rogue squadron?"
"THE Rogue Squadron. They're a group of pegasi that patrol Equestria's fringe territories and protect the borders from pirates, smugglers, criminal activity and rogue storms, dragons and other dangerous creatures."
Vice tapped his chin. "So, the postal service is teaming up with the border patrol. I don't see how that's a problem."
"They're not the border patrol."
"You do realize you just pretty much described what the border patrol is, right?"
"Yes, but-"
"You literally used the words "border" and "patrol" when talking about them."
The Director frowned, though it was hard for Vice to tell: her eyes didn't have irises or pupils. They were just silvery orbs that seemed to reflect more than perceive. Her brow furrowed though and her eyebrows lowered so it looked like she was frowning at him. "They're more than just the border patrol. They're the best fliers in Equestria."
Vice held up a hand. "I thought those were the Wonderbolts."
"The Wonderbolts are stunt fliers. Rogue Squadron are combat fliers. They're the first and last line of defense but how Derpy knew to mobilize them, I can't be sure," the Director said. "At any rate, Derpy's taken command of the sky. Shining Armor will soon rally troops on the ground, Twilight will convince the unicorns and magic-using community to lend support and Dan will organize them. Once their defenses are secure, they will attack us."
Vice nodded, pacing. "I see. So, the music video is your attempt to recruit potential allies away from them?''
The Director grinned and shrugged. "More or less."
"Blueblood can only stall them for so long. We need more time to get the Cogsdale Dreadnoughts operational."
"Speaking of allies, there's also the matter of the other groups you hired," the Director said, walking around him as he paced. "Marshal Grasp, Admiral Scope and General Zeal won't ignore an undefended Equestria. What little intel we have suggests that the griffons will arrive first from the west."
Vice grinned a toothy smirk. "Well… maybe we can give them a little help while they're on the way," he said, pulling out his cell phone. "I think I'll call the new prince and give him some new… decorating ideas."
"We try to work things out with Blueblood," Twilight said, her voice heavy.
"And you want us to do that with words… and not high-yield explosives," Dan surmised. Twilight gave him a single, solemn nod.
The sisters who enjoyed high-yield explosives threw their hooves up. "Not our department."
Dan considered his options, wondered if he even COULD negotiate with Blueblood. It would be difficult, like dealing with the governor that one time back in his home state. Probably wouldn't be long before things went completely south and Bloomers gave him a reason to decapitate him. He wouldn't even have to instigate it- just let things run their course. But Twilight didn't want violence. She wanted him to be nice, do his best to be civil. He would do it for her, no matter how difficult it was.
"All right," he said, "I'll help. But it's not gonna be easy. Do you have any idea how hard it is to deal with a guy with an ego that huge?"
The room immediately became uncomfortably silent for a moment. Dan realized what he'd asked the moment the words left his mouth.
Chrys raised her hoof. "Do… do you want us to answer that?"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. But at least I didn't rename the whole COUNTRY after myself. Besides, the Republic of Dansylvania still exists in the hearts and minds of people who signed my petition back in L.A."
The changeling queen nodded. "We will pretend to know what that means. Thank you, Dan."
"Right then," Dan spun around to the door and grabbed the handle with determination. "Let's pay the prince a visit."
Stepping outside though, Dan was immediately greeted with the realization of what a horrible prospect that would be. "Oh mai gawd. NNOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Skyscrapers?" Chrys asked. "Okay… someone… someone tell me those weren't always there."
"They weren't," Twilight said, also bewildered. "Yesterday." But they were today. Ponyville, or rather, whatever city had risen up in the past few hours to swallow up Ponyville, was cluttered with tall buildings. Even the small cottages seemed to have grown into larger cottage complexes that stretched down streets. The roads themselves were still dirt and grass but there were traffic signals at every intersection now, dozens of ponies pulling carts or stagecoaches driving up and down them. But the oddest feature about the once-small town was now the fact that-
"EVERYTHING IS BLUE!!" Dan shouted, raging at the city while also recoiling from it. "It's like L.A if the freaking Smurfs movie was still going on!" Fluffle Puff took one sniff of the ground and hissed at the metropolitan architecture that had sprung up across town. "That means we know who EXACTLY is responsible for all of this!" Dan declared.
"Eiffel sixty-five?" Chrys asked.
"No," Dan turned around, balled his fists and threw them high up above his head. "BLUEBLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!"
And that's when he rolled up to greet them all. "Mmmmmm yesssssss?" Prince Blueblood wore a smug grin of satisfaction as he rolled up to the front of the library in a curiously familiar-looking machine.
"Were you waiting for us this whole time?!!" Phoenix quickly asked. "To see what you'd done with… with…"
"With Bluebloodburg?" the prince asked, basking in the shadow of his own ego towering around them in the form of towers. "I must admit, getting around the whole rustic aesthetic this town has was difficult but I do find the results pleasing."
Dan's eyes were fixated on the vehicle Blueblood had ridden in. Nearly speechless, he pointed at the contraption, mouthing words.
"Dan?" Twilight asked. "Are you okay?"
"M-m-m… m-ma ma ma…."
"What?" Blueblood asked. "Do I have something in my nose?"
"MY CHARIOT!!!!" Dan exclaimed.
"Oh, this thing?" Blueblood said, looking down at his platform. "Do you like it? I gave it a complete redesign despite the fact you scratched my beautiful Magic Gear's hoof with it. But, because I am a generous ruler, consider this a gesture of me forgiving our last encounter."
"MY CHARIOT!!!" Dan repeated. "You… you turned it back into a Segway!!"
The prince chuckled to himself, high above the others. "Well, I can't quite take all the credit. I paid for a complete reworking of the frame and this is what they came up with. Do you like the redesign?" Blueblood's remodeling in question was to take Dan's chariot and modify it so it was only for one person yet again. But instead of the chivalrous upswept features, courageous armor, six wheels and wide frame emblazoned with the word JERK on the front, Blueblood had installed a massive, solid gold podium on the front that stretched up about twenty feet in the air. It looked like something someone with a massive inferiority complex would ride to work. And, in fact, it was.
"Redesign? Redesign?!! I'm gonna redesign your face so it's stuck up your-"
"Dan," Twilight put a hoof on his shoulder.
The human turned back to her, whimpering. "My… my chariot."
"We'll get him to fix it, Dan," Twilight assured him. She looked up and around at the current state of Ponyville. "We'll get him to fix everything… somehow."
"So, your… highness," Phoenix said, "what brings you to our humble private property that can in no way be legally modified without the express consent of the owners today?"
"Ahahahaha, relax, dear human. I'm not interested in your little treehouse at the moment."
"Twilight's not marrying you," Dan quickly stated.
"And you're going to have to change all this before the princesses get back," Twilight quickly added.
"Oh, am I?" Blueblood asked coyly. "Well, you see, I actually don't need to marry you to rule Equestria any more," he threw back his mane and winked at her. "You're not the newest princess, Twilight Sparkle. Now begins the reign of Princess Blueblood!"
They were all quiet for a moment, an awkward pause while they all processed this new information. Finally, Chrys looked around and asked, "Anypony else see the problem here?"
"You're a princess now, Blueblood?" Shining asked. "You're not… gonna like, try to turn yourself into a mare now, are you?"
Twilight closed her eyes shut tight. "I'm not gonna picture that in my head… I'm not gonna picture that in my head…" She then pictured just that in her head. She held up a hoof to her mouth. Her cheeks bulged. "I need a bucket! I need a bucket right now!" She turned back into her house, retrieved a metal wash bucket and proceeded to vomit into it.
Spike turned green, held up a claw. "I need a bucket, too!" He joined Twilight in vomiting.
Blueblood frowned at them. "Are you two done?"
Holding Twilight's mane back, Dan shrugged over his shoulder. "Might need a few more buckets, dunno yet."
The prince rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not ACTUALLY going to transform into anything. You see, I'm transgender!"
They all began to look seasick "We're gonna need more buckets! We're gonna need a lot more buckets!" The group dashed into the house, slammed the door behind them and Blueblood frowned again as the sound of hurling came next.
"And people call ME a drama queen," the prince sighed.
The color returned to the group's faces as they assembled outside again.
"Yes," Blueblood said. "It was quite simple, really. All I had to do was update my profile on Facebook and select transgender as a preference. And voila… I am now your most regal princess."
"But you're not actually transgender," Cadence said. "Or… or are you?"
The prince chuckled at her. "Cadence, sweetie, I'm obscenely rich, I rule over the entire kingdom and I'm driving through town on a solid gold Segway. You see that skyscraper?"
"Yeah?"
"The big blue one?"
"Yeah…" Cadence said, no longer looking.
"The one with the big letters that say 'BB' on the top?"
"Uh huh…"
"Surrounded by all the dozens of other skyscrapers that are big, blue and have the letters 'BB' on the top?"
"Yes…"
"They were built entirely out of bucks. I'm sorry but right now, I don't have any left to give to you," the prince smiled.
Cadence rolled her eyes. "Jackass…"
"So what is it you want, 'princess'," Dan asked. "And I mean 'princess' in a derogatory way despite the fact you actually want to be a princess."
"Well, I am happy you asked, captain," Blueblood said, casting a sly, narrow-eyed grin his way. "Because I do believe I require your services as a guard."
"Not happening," Dan flatly stated. "I'm all right with Twilight, Wright, Fluffy, Changer, The Boomboom Girls, Shiny, Cady and The Spike."
"Hahaha, "The" Spike?" Spike asked. "Is that my nickname now? I think The Spike can dig this."
"Don't push your luck, kiddo. If you were taller, we'd be using you as a Yoshi," Dan was quick to chastise.
The purple dragon shrugged. "Easy come, easy go."
"I'm with these guys," Dan threw a thumb over his shoulder. "Take a hike, princess."
"I'm afraid I must insist," Blueblood said, still smiling. "Or perhaps I should make some other reassignments to the royal guard. What do you think, Prince Shining? Shall I recall the recently-coronated Flash Sentry back to the capital? I could say the lack of pegasi necessitates his expedient return and immediate assistance to the homeland but oh…. that would break up the happy couple, wouldn't it?" he said, looking at the prince with a sinister stare.
Shining glared back at Blueblood. "You heard about him and Sam, then, I guess."
The white faux-trans-princess nodded. "News travels fast, as they say. And I could very easily separate the newly weds if I wanted to. The safety of Equestria's monarch is priority, after all. Oh well. I'm sure they can cancel the honeymoon."
"Wait!" Twilight raised her hooves. "We'll all be your guards."
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder raised their hooves. "We don't want to be with them any more."
"Quiet!" she shushed them. "No, listen, you want royal guards? Here we are… royals and guards."
The entire group looked anxiously at Twilight. "Twilight, I'm allergic to douchebags. I can't really guard Blueblood," Chrys whispered.
"I'm sure Twilight has a plan," Dan said, looking at his purple mare friend. "You do, right?"
"Kind of," Twilight replied.
"Kind of?"
"Blueblood might be the princess but he only has power while Celestia and Luna are gone," Twilight said, whispering. "There's got to be some rules or something somewhere that we can use to get him off the throne until they get back."
"That might be difficult," Phoenix whispered. "I think that Segway he's on is actually the throne."
"Grrrrrrr," Dan whisper-growled. "Don't remind me. So, we play along and pretend to be his guards until we find something to use against him?"
Twilight nodded. "Phoenix and I can go over the books on it and try to find something we can use against him. Until then, we just have to tolerate him."
"Tolerate him?" Dan looked over his shoulder. Blueblood was once again slow-motion posing as large oscillating fans blew his mane back. "We're gonna need more buckets."
"Do we have a deal…," Shining swallowed, "your majesty?"
"Hmmm," Blueblood considered. "Deal. You shall all be my royal entourage!"
"Hooray…" the group let out a unanimous sarcastic cheer. "Where to first?" Dan asked.
Blueblood rubbed his hooves together. "Oh, I think I have just the activity for all of us…"
Dan rolled his eyes. "Oh goody, I can't wait to see what you have planned for us, your flamboyantness." The sarcasm in his voice was not to be missed.
"Ah, I have a fun-filled day ahead for all of us, I assure you. But first," he hit several switches and pulled several steampunk-style levers on the console. The front panel of the golden segway-podium platform flipped back and out deployed a clothes rack. The rack stretched all the way to Twilight's front door, allowing each of them to examine one of the identical items it held. "If you are to accompany me, I must insist that you wear the proper attire."
Chrys levitated one of the outfits closer. "Seriously? You… you really want us to wear these?"
Dan picked one up himself and immediately regretted it. Each uniform was similar in appearance to the royal guard's formal wear but was blue and had oversized jewels placed around the neck, waste, armpits and wherever there was a seam. In fact, instead of being sewn together, the uniforms seemed to be tied together with random gems. Some of them were real, some were plastic and on the one Dan was holding, one of the buttons was a collectible pog of Photo Finish. The fabric was the kind of wool-polyster blend that made petitioning to make the town a nudist colony seem like a better idea than wearing it. But the truly worst feature about the uniforms dominated the center.
"You put your FACE on them?!" Dan yelled, hands shaking as he held the appallingly egotistical cloth. "So you can pretend we're your fsqueeing fan club?! Is there even a limit to your vanity?!!"
Blueblood looked down at Dan. "My dear Captain Dan."
Dan frowned. "Even the way you say my name makes me want to kill you."
"You are representing Princess Blueblood, the highest authority and power of Bluebloodestria."
"Let me rephrase that: literally EVERYTHING you say makes me want to kill you."
"And as such, you must look the part. Your appearance must convey that you are one of the favored few of the court of Princess Blueblood. That uniform marks you as one of my elite, my chosen attaché, my royal guards. To wear it, to even touch it, is among the highest honors in the land," Blueblood said.
Dan looked down at the clothing again. "I feel like I wanna wash my hands just from looking at it."
"Ah, a very good idea, captain," Blueblood nodded. "My reign will undoubtedly be a long one indeed and you'll need to be responsible for that uniform."
"Can I be responsible for strangling you with it?"
Phoenix held up his own 'Blueblood is Awesome' royal guard uniform. (I really hope Blueblood doesn't want me to defend him. Because this thing isn't just a crime against fashion- it's a crime against humanity. Oh gawd… the armpits are… are bejeweled! This thing is a safety hazard!) "Um, your majesty?"
"Yes, Mr. Wri-" A ringing from the console interrupted the prince. "Oh, sorry. I have to take this. Important princess business and all."
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. The stallion picked up a phone that had been installed near the Segway's controls.
"Hello? Yes? Yes, it was most satisfactory. Really?" Blueblood paused, his expression changed. "I see…" he quickly hung up the phone. "My apologies. What was it, Mr. Wright?"
The lawyer held up the uniform a safe distance away from him. "You didn't happen to make these… things… yourself, did you?"
"Oh, of course not," Blueblood batted away the question. "I offered Miss Cheerilee's class the opportunity to design all sorts of new things for the Princess Blueblood Collection. A pair of most prestigious fillies volunteered, saying they would love the chance to work with the new ruler."
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder looked at each other. "Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Good thing we never took any jobs from them."
Twilight held up the uniform assigned to her. "Kinda glad Rarity isn't here to see this. I think she'd keel over if she got one good look at these… designs."
"Are you kidding?" Chrys asked. "These things would make Hoity Toity throw up."
Blueblood glared at them. "If you're all finished, I'll wait outside for you to get properly dressed. They're not tailored to each of your individual sizes but I'm sure Princess Twilight knows of the appropriate spell. Do hurry now."
Dan rolled his eyes. "Fine. But I'm having Twilight write "I'm with Prince Stupid" under your picture." The group re-entered the Golden Oakes Library to don their unholy royal vestments. Dan was the first to finish changing, somehow exiting fully-dressed in the uniform the moment after the door had closed behind him through the magic of cartoons. He sported his best contemptuous scowl as he stomped over to Blueblood.
The trans-princesses giggled. "You look… quite marvelous, dear Captain."
"Say that again when I'm wearing your entrails as a necktie."
"Oh, stop, you," Blueblood waved his hoof at the remark. "One doesn't threaten one's superior, not to mention one's ruler."
"You're neither to me or anyone else in this town," Dan said. He climbed up the back of the podium to the top of the segway. "You're a pompous little prick that usurped power while the rightful rulers of this place were gone. No one respects your authority; they're just tolerating you being in charge until Sunkissed and Moonshine get back."
The prince sneered at him. "Well, isn't that obvious? Come now, captain, I might be arrogant but I'm not a dullard. I'm well aware of how ponies view me."
Dan shook his head. "What?"
Blueblood disengaged the controls. Throwing his mane back, the tall stallion walked over to him slowly on the golden segway platform. "I know exactly what others think of me, Dan. They see me as the spoiled rich boy stallion who's lucky he's related in some odd way to Princess Celestia. And they're not wrong. I am vain, I am self-absorbed and I really don't care for others beneath my status. But you know what? I'm one of thousands, Dan. Equestria's full of ponies just like me… even Ponyville."
Dan couldn't believe it. "You… you're aware of all this? And you don't do anything about it?"
"Haha," Blueblood laughed. "I do plenty. I spend extravagantly on useless things made from faraway places, I buy things and services I never use and I hire servants and flaunt my wealth and status at every available opportunity. Do you know why?"
"Because you're a plot hole?"
The prince's smile grew again. "Exactly. My empire is a hole. Because every time a rich person invests in something, donates money or shows any sign of even the slightest generosity, some warlord uses that generosity to harm others. If I throw cash to the masses, they'll kill each other trying to get every single bit. They'll oppress others, buy things and build things to create kingdoms of their own and subjugate everyone under them. And they'll live under a different tyrant's rule, not mine. So we have to keep them down, only letting the special few rise up in a controlled path that minimizes damage."
The human shook his head. "You're not just an asshole… you're insane," he pointed at him. "There are PLENTY of ponies out there that are generous with what little wealth they have! Some have more than you and some have less and they're not greedy illuminati morons! You're making excuses to delude yourself and say you're somehow justified in spending money on garbage and acting like an elitist prick! Sure, sometimes charity is taken advantage of BUT NOT EVERY FREAKING TIME!!"
Blueblood scowled. "My aunt invested in a single project to defend Equestria, donated huge amounts of money to a corporation that was supposed to secure our future. And what happened? They tried to blow up YOUR PLANET, DAN!"
"How do you know that? You weren't there!"
"Ha, royalty has its privileges, remember?" Blueblood said. "I knew about your operation and when you'd be back. That's why I purchased Vice Grip's remaining Magic Gears in Equestria and had them remodel Ponyville. It'll buy us- you- the time you need."
"To what end?!" Dan threw his arms around him. "You've turned Ponyville into L.A! How does THIS help me stop Vice Grip?"
"Look around you! Vice Grip doesn't mess with elitists because they're too self-absorbed to brainwash with false promises! They've already got everything they could ever want! None of the rich snobs are going to buy his junk!"
"EXCEPT YOU'RE WRONG!" Dan jabbed Blueblood with his finger. "ONE RICH SNOB ALREADY DID! There's an amount of wealth you're missing, bub, and it's something that can't be bought! And it's SOMETHING EVERYPONY BUT YOU ALREADY HAS!!"
The prince sneered. "And that is?"
"Friends, for one!" Dan shouted, grabbing at his uniform. "Friends willing to put up with crap like this to help you. Ponies in Ponyville are already wealthy."
"Bah. Everypony has their price," he said, turning his back to Dan. "Even you. You'd sacrifice any one of them for a chance at revenge. Or to get your chariot back."
Dan grinned maniacally. "Except I don't have to sacrifice ANYTHING. They'll help me get revenge AND my chariot back. And if they don't, they'll help me get the next best thing. Because they're my friends. And my backup."
The prince picked up the car phone in his magic. "Quite humorous, captain but your backup isn't here right now. Perhaps I should introduce you to mine."
The Director rolled his eyes as Vice Grip walked off to call Blueblood. She turned to Captain Springer. "Vice Grip may have a tactical mind but he is still underestimating the enemy. That is not a mistake I intend to make."
The captain looked puzzled. "Sir? What do you mean?"
"Our foes are more dangerous than either of you realize. The only defense is to keep them on the defensive. Vice needs time to finish his new toys and so that is what you will buy him. I'm sending you back to Ponyville."
Springer looked even more confused. "We're going back to Ponyville? Sir, I can confirm it myself, Cloudsdale was destroyed. What's left of it was dispersed and the reactor is on its way to our location via train as we speak."
"Destroying Cloudsdale was a blow but one they can recover from," the Director said, pacing. "We need to cripple them before they can rally. Even with the havoc Blueblood's causing, it's likely they'll be able to reverse things quickly. I want you to take out the dam."
"The dam? You mean the power plant?"
"The hydroelectric dam north-west of Twilight's library. I trust you remember where it is?"
Springer smirked. "Yeah, I think I remember where the damn dam is."
The Director did not laugh. "Target info will be uploaded to your HUD before launch. Destroy the dam, make sure it floods the town and they'll spend weeks cleaning it up. I'm sending you with the full wing just in case," the Director said with a cold confidence. "A few well-placed shots, solid missile blast and it should bust to pieces. You shouldn't have any problems."
The captain saluted. "Yes, sir. Uhm, I was also wondering…"
The Director turned back to her. "Yes, captain?"
"About the music video, sir… what did you think? Do you think it will help recruitment?"
The hooded creature shrugged. "I find it odd you didn't send it outside of Equestria's borders."
That thought actually made Springer laugh, though it came out as an slightly discomforted chuckle. "Heheh, well uh, you know the Enclave only accepts pegasi, anyway. I figured that with Cloudsdale destroyed, if we sent out a quick ad, we'd get a lot of displaced fliers."
A thin smiley spread across the Director's nearly-imperceptible face. "But not all of the fliers were in Cloudsdale. Pegasi aren't the only ones with wings, captain."
Springer nodded. "Of course, of course. Though the other species, like the griffons, might be able to fly, they still can't match our talent. The Enclave owns the skies now."
"Of course," the hooded one said, still grinning. "Assemble your squadrons and deploy immediately."
"Sir, consider it done," Springer saluted again. The Director had already turned away and was walking back into the darkened halls of the fortress. Springer quickly departed herself, focusing on the mission ahead of her instead of the discomfort behind her.
The Enclave's launch bays and vehicle hangars were on the second level of the fortress. They weren't as deep as the research labs or the restricted areas further below but still buried under many significant layers of stone and steel in the event of an aerial attack. Not that a true pegasi would ever get ambushed on the ground; that kind of lack of vigilance was considered a great dishonor. Still, it paid to be prepared and prepared was something that the Enclave was in almost every way it could.
Most of Captain Springer's assault wing were already assembled in the flight deck. The deck was a double-sized corridor, large enough almost for two Flutterbirds to fly through wing-to-wing. Power armor stations lined the deck's walls in a criss-cross pattern, each with its own suit and diagnostic terminal. The Enclave pegasi under her command were climbing into their assigned armor suits, pegasi technicians at their sides checking all the equipment before launch. Once each was strapped in, the light above their station turned green- go for launch.
"What happened? You forget something?" Springer's wing pony asked. "Or were you just looking for an excuse to go back to Ponyville?"
"We don't need an excuse," the captain said confidently. "We own the skies, Spinner. Always did. Now, it's just official."
"Where?" Spinner asked. "I don't see our name on it," she smirked as the technicians hooked her into her suit. Spinner was a light blue mare, almost a pale blue that seemed to shine on the edges when light hit her coat. Her mane was yellow-gold and striped with orange swirls through it and her cutie mark was a roulette wheel. Once her helmet and armor were on, though, she looked just like the other seventy pegasi in the Enclave's elite Raptor Wing.
Springer decided to let herself grin as the technicians at her side put her own helmet on, checked the seals and locked it in place. "We can write our names in it. Kick in the afterburners hard enough and we can write ENCLAVE over Ponyville like we own the whole thing."
"Pfft, nah. "Spinner Was Here", that's more like it."
"Are you two betting again?" Zephyr, the flight controller asked over their helmet comms. His voice was just on the edge of sour, which was unusual because he usually sounded completely sour.
"Just having a little fun, Zeph. What's wrong? I thought Bandwidth was operating today."
"The colonel checked himself into the infirmary, said he wasn't feeling well. So his responsibilities are mine for the day," Zephyr said, his reply sounding just a bit unsure.
Springer shook her head. "He's been acting weird since he got promoted. You'd think he'd be more enthusiastic taking over after what happened to Autumn."
Spinner shrugged. "Maybe he's just got the jitters. Vinter's probably riding him pretty hard since we lost those 'birds in the CE."
"We're not losing anything this time. Let's remind the ground pounders who's in charge."
"Wind up, wing up and win!" The pair brohoofed, clanking hydraulic-powered steel hooves together.
One of the technicians raised her own hoof but then quickly thought better of it. "All systems green! We're go for slingshot!" she yelled, both to the other techies and the flight controllers.
"All units prepped and ready for flight. Launch bay doors are opening, all personnel clear the deck."
The technicians galloped to the exits. Once the last of them had left, the lights in the corridor turned off. Seventy-two pairs of eyes glowed gold in the darkness like demons from the depths preparing for their rise to the surface. For a few moments, there was nothing but silence. Then, a distinctive hum filled the air.
White, ethereal light poured in above from square holes in the center of the room, not illuminating enough to reach the floor. Springer looked up into the slot in front of her, her own launch tube. This was how pegasi in the Enclave lifted off: they were shot out of tubes underground like bullets so they came out of the ground flying at high speed.
"All flights cleared for launch. Slingshot in five."
The power armor stations rotated forward, aiming at the open tunnels in the ceiling. Each of the pegasi arched and spread their wings, hind legs on the ground. Forelegs aimed skyward, the ground beneath them pulled back, stretching the straps on the power armor tight. The humming grew louder as the hyper spring beneath them was charged. Springer looked through the tunnel ahead of her and saw sky.
"Two, one, mark. Good luck out there."
Simultaneously, the seventy-two pistons burst beneath the pegasi along with the straps holding them in place. They launched each of the power armored soldiers into the launch bays at blinding speed, shooting them skyward. Springer rocketed through her tube, wings spread as the force of the launch carried her closer and closer to the growing sky ahead of her. She burst out of the tube and the jets on her armor kicked in. She banked right along with the other pegasi, a single motion. On the opposite side, the other half of the group did the same thing and banked left. The two groups formed up into their flight groups and headed south towards Ponyville.
"Sorry to interrupt every pony's leave but we have a priority mission that needs doing," Springer said to the wing in her suit's comms.
"Priority errand, more like it," Spinner said. Springer couldn't see her wing pony but knew she was barely a meter off to her right, as always. "TD sends us out for the latest manga and calls it priority."
"The Director said it was a priority so that's what it is," Springer responded sternly. Spinner was her friend and she enjoyed the banter now and then but there was a time and a place for it. During a mission, any mission, was not it. "Cloudsdale's gone so we won't have to worry about any counter-air." A few in the formation hooted at that remark. Without worrying about air defense, their job was essentially a cake walk in the sky.
"Our target's the Ponyville Dam," Springer continued, bringing up a tactical diagram of Ponyville on her HUD and singled out the dam. The green image appeared in the rest of Raptor Wing's displays as well. "We take it out and it'll flood the town. It'll take them weeks to recover, if not months, buying us time to get the Cogsdales working."
"And then the whole planet's ours!" Hydra-three, Razorang, exclaimed. She wasn't the brightest pegasus but she was deadly at close range and bloodthirsty. The Enclave's dominance meant that she could exercise some of her more violent tendencies and not suffer consequences for them.
"Heh, there'll probably be a few more priority errands before that, Raz," replied the voice of Hydra-four, Ransack, the squadron's designated heavy hitter. He was a very focused stallion but tended to lose sight of the objective. He carried most of the heavy weapons and was the one responsible for precisely targeting Cloudsdale's foundation, allowing Springer and the others to steal the reactor and destroy the city.
"I'm fine with errands if it means we get the opportunity to 'acquire' some new supplies."
"And new targets." Icebox and Fireball respectively, Hydra-five and Hydra-six. They were brothers, newcomers to Hydra Squadron to replace Blast Fuse and Blast Powder after their sudden defection. Ice handled tech support and Fire was the explosives expert. Together, Hydra Squadron was the top team in the Enclave. And that made them the best fliers in Equestria, at least in their minds. It might not've been far from the truth, however, and Springer was determined to make sure things stayed that way.
"It won't always be this easy, remember that," Springer reminded all of them. "Let's not screw this up. All squadrons, Hydra has lead. Throttle up and keep your formations tight in and out." Raptor Wing's jets flared and the squadrons soared for the border.
The jungles south of the Prosperity Mountains blanketed the ground in sage green all the way to Equestria's purple mountains. Recently renovated railroads were the only things that stretched into the jungle, dividing the tree bed like highways. Despite the fact that Vice Grip's faction and Equestria were almost at war, they still shared the same railroads. The line Raptor Wing was currently flying over actually connected to both Ponyville's Main Street Station and Prosperity Base. Vice Grip had overlooked this small detail when elevating the rails to trap Dan in Ponyville but even modified, they still functioned.
If Dan ever made the connection, he could essentially take a train right to Prosperity Base itself. Or Vice could transport Magic Gears right into Ponyville. It was almost poetic, the odd way the hearts of both their operations were connected. Neither Dan nor Vice Grip knew about this connection. But the Director did.
Raptor Wing's power armor jets allowed them to close the distance to Equestria faster than even a train. Before long, the purple peaks that Canterlot clung to were on the horizon. "Approaching Equestrian airspace!" Spinner announced.
"All units, arm missiles," Springer ordered. "Odd flights take point, even watch their backs. Hydra has lead, weapons hot!" There wasn't a cloud in the sky as they approached. The flight soared over the purple mountains separating the Equestrian land from the jungles and tundra. Ponyville came into view, the quaint colored buildings surrounded by acres of farmland. And immediately, Springer saw something wasn't right about it.
"Cap, I'm picking up a secondary power signature."
"Eyes up, Ice- it's staring at you."
A giant translucent blue dome covered Ponyville. Underneath it, it seemed Ponyville itself had changed. The buildings had skyscrapers and were blanketed in fog. It was like someone had dropped a snow globe of Los Angeles right on top of Ponyville.
"Energy shield, break off!" Springer yelled. She lead Raptor Wing around the top side of the dome to the left, pulling over the domed city.
"We didn't bring anything big enough to punch through a shield!" Ransack called.
"So much for the errand."
"Cut the chatter!" Springer cue'd her comms system. "Hydra-one to Control, target is shielded, repeat- shielded, please advise."
"…rzz…rzz…"
"Control, this Hydra-one, do you copy? Zephyr, please respond."
Down inside Ponyville, or Bluebloodburg as it was currently known, Dan and company had just left along with the prince to do some activities he had planned. Dan's security system had been deactivated after he and Phoenix had so much difficulty turning it on in the first place and with them out of the house, there wasn't any of the group left at home to activate it. But despite the fact that Twilight and her friends had left, the Golden Oaks Library's security system did indeed activate.
"Hydra-one to all units, my comms are down. Anypony have a signal to HQ?"
"I can," Mace-one, the leader of the squad behind them said. "Oh wait, sorry. That's just a radio station. My bad."
"You're picking up a radio station?" Springer asked. "Out here?"
"Yeah, you want to hear?"
"Not exactly, Mace-o-"
"Here it is."
"Okay, let me make this clear. I AM a GATOR FAN and I AM CALLIN-"
Springer grabbed the side of her helmet. "Dammit Thorny, cut that crap off!"
Mace-one did as he was told. "Sorry, cap."
"Geez."
The main targeting console right next to the door identified a flight of seventy-two inbound contacts that were unknown. Not only that, from the contacts' own targeting systems, the library was able to determine that their intent was hostile and their goal was to destroy the Ponyville Dam. The dam actually powered part of Dan's security system via a three-mile long extension cord Dan had plugged into an outlet in the dam's break room next to the coffee maker. It provided the security system with five percent of its secondary generators' auxiliary emergency backup power, which was almost negligible and would not impact performance except on redundant systems. The library determined this potential loss of power unacceptable. All contacts were reclassified as imminent threats.
"Dropping in announced again, I see." A deep, male voice said over Springer's comms. "You Enclavers sure like starting a party but you don't stick around to clean up when it's over. You guys forget something?"
Springer raised hoof to her radio. "Unidentified contact, this is restricted airspace, you're violating-"
"That sounds like my line, Springy," the voice interrupted. "I mean, I've been here this whole time… you're the ones invading Ponyville. For the second time in the past couple days, too. Oughta check the rules, sweetheart."
"Sweetheart?" Ransack repeated.
Spinner chuckled. "Ohhh snap, that cheek's been slapped."
And Springer's cheeks had indeed reddened. "Identify yourself. Now."
"I am the Gold Baron," the voice said confidently. "And this is my airspace you're violating. This is the second time you guys have shown up to wreck my town. The first time, Cloudsdale was unprepared but now it's under my protection. So Springy, since you came all this way, how about a rematch?"
"Rematch?" Springer shook her head. "What the buck are you talking about? Cloudsdale's destroyed."
"On the contrary, Cloudsdale remains. You missed a spot."
A signal appeared on Springer's HUD, a small dot on her map identified as Cloudsdale directly over the center of Ponyville. Springer looked in that direction and saw a single, small white cloud barely big enough for a pony to stand on let alone live in. A single pennant stuck out of the top of it, like a flag on a single island in the sky.
"You gotta be kidding me. You're calling THAT Cloudsdale?"
"A piece of it, yes. You're obviously no Rainbow Dash because if she'd cleared the sky, she would've gotten it all. Taken less time than you did, too."
Captain Springer felt her chest burn. "Do NOT compare me to that Wonderbolt wannabe! I am NOT some showboat stunt mare!"
"Agreed, you're a bit out of her league, anyway. Wonderbolts', too."
"Wooooww," Spinner said. "This guy's good."
"SHUT UP!" Springer shouted. "This isn't our mission. Ponyville's obviously changed, we're done for today. Break off and head home," she ordered. Despite being angered by the taunt, she wasn't about to give into it.
But the Gold Baron persisted. "They just sent you on a quick in-and-out, huh? I'm not surprised. Guess the Director's using you as her own personal delivery service now. Too bad you'll never be as good as Gilda."
"Form up, Hydra has lead," Springer ordered, ignoring the voice and her own rising anger seething through her veins.
"They'll probably have you out delivering mail next."
"Throttle up and keep formation."
"Then you'll even get beaten by Derpy."
"THAT'S IT!!" Springer spun around, kicking in her jets at max power. "Where the heck are you, Gold Moron? You want a challenge, here we are."
"Finally game, are we? Good. You'll notice there's a flag on what's left of Cloudsdale. Now, here's how we play. Rainbow Dash can clear the sky in ten seconds flat, as you'd be aware if you ever bothered to care about sky that wasn't your own. So, if one of your Hydra Squadron 'claviers can hold onto this flag for ten seconds, I'll lower the shield over Ponyville. Only condition is that the rest of your wing sits back and watches, no interference."
Captain Springer thought carefully about her options. It was just a flag and she was twice the flier Rainbow Dash was. "Six-on-one capture the flag?" She looked back at her wing ponies. All five gave her a single, solemn nod. "What happens if we lose?"
The Gold Baron uttered a low chuckle. "Well, there's always tomorrow, isn't there, Captain?"
She hesitated, hovering over the side of Ponyville. The flag fluttered in the breeze, a frail and tiny thing but attached to a what looked to be like a sturdy pole. The symbols A88 were imprinted on it in bold. It was Rainbow Dash's cloud, the one she lounged on. The one she claimed was Cloudsdale while under Discord's influence. Now, it really was all that was left of Cloudsdale. All that remained of loyalty was what endured through betrayal.
The Enclave's betrayal. "Challenge accepted, 'baron'. Hydra Squadron, close on my wing. All others, secure our exit vector."
"Aye, captain. Mace-one has lead, breaking off." Sixty-six of the pegasi in Raptor Wing broke formation and banked back north to the way they came. Springer and Hydra Squadron closed on the target.
"Ten seconds, captain. That's all it will take to claim the skies. The clock starts when you grab the flag."
"This sounds like a trap, cap," Spinner said.
"I'm not detecting any additional power readings," Icebox said. "Sensors are clear and the flag and cloud don't seem to be explosive devices of any kind."
"It's still too easy," Spinner replied.
Springer had to agree. But it was her decision, her call to make and she had made it. "It's only ten seconds," she said, bitter determination in her voice. "I'll take the flag. Watch for anything suspicious. If something happens, you guys get back to base."
"Understood, ma'am," Rans said.
"Aye, captain," Spinner nodded.
The flag grew closer. It dominated her view along with the cloud underneath it. Her heart was racing. She narrowed her eyes and reached out as she raced towards it. "Close formation. Hydra-one, taking point now!"
Barreling towards the pole at high speed, she grabbed it with her right hoof, plucking it off the cloud in a single motion. In seconds, she was past the cloud, flag clutched between both her hooves. Immediately, her eyes began looking around, scanning the skies above for anything coming at her. But there was nothing.
"Hydra-one has the target! Hydra-one has the target!" Springer exclaimed. "Where is he? Does anypony see anything?"
"I don't see anything," Ransack said, also scanning above. Three seconds.
"Ha… that was easier than I thought it would be," Springer said, panting a bit. "Anything on the sensors, Spinner?"
But Spinner didn't answer. Springer turned around, looking to where only seconds ago, her wing pony had been. And she was gone. Six seconds.
Springer stopped, looked back and saw a creature that seemed to be made out of gold. It was the same size as a pony, only solid gold with two large eyes on either side of its bird-like head. A hose from the end of its beak connected to the jets on its back and behind it were twin gold wings that looked like the Enclave's own Hailstorm power armor, except once again, gold. The creature looked at Springer as it sat on the cloud they had just passed. In its right claw it held Slicker by the throat.
"Forget something, Springer?" Nine seconds. Springer's jaw dropped. So did the flag.
Spinner grasped at the metallic claws gripping her neck, struggling to get them to release her. They were like a vice around her, not quite choking but yanking her and forcing her to follow even against her jets.
Teeth gritted, she looked at the creature. "S-songb-bird! Songbird!"
"Not exactly." The Gold Baron flew off the cloud, his own armor jetting him upwards. He then flew back down, still gripping Slicker by the neck and plunged towards the energy shield. He pulled up at the last second and grinded Spinner's back into the dome.
"AAAAHHHHAHHAAHAA! OHH GAWD THAT TICKLES!" Spinner screamed as high-voltage electricity surged through her armor, electrifying her. The Baron dragged her back against the energy shield causing sparks and surges of electricity to erupt from the shield like a miniature lightning storm without clouds.
"SPINNER!!" Springer screamed.
"Sir! You dropped the-"
"HELP HER, STUPID!" the captain screamed at the squadron. "ENGAGE! ENGAGE NOW!!"
Spinner's jetpack exploded, blasting the pack, her armor and her wings into pieces. "AAAAAAAaaaahhh, oh crap, my clothes."
"You're out." The Gold Baron held up the smoking pegasus and threw her over his shoulder. She made contact with the shield, was zapped again and bounced off of it.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow-OOOOF!!" Spinner sparked as she bounced down the shield, zapped each time, until she finally landed on the ground in a smoldering heap.
"Spinner!" Springer yelled. "Spinner, do you copy?!"
"I'm okay…" her voice came back wounded. "The charged electron particles broke my fall… and my spine."
"Just stay down, Spinner!" Springer ordered. "We'll pick you up when we're ready to head back!"
"Okay, sounds good…"
The baron banked around the edge of the dome and back towards the remaining pegasi. "Who's next?"
"Switch to plasma casters! Take him out!!"
Her squad mates closed on her wing. Their targeting systems interlocked with Springer's. The plasma casters on their sides swiveled to face forward, their pronged barrels glowing green with energy. He was coming at them head-on. With all of them firing at him, he was going to get shredded. Springer throttled up towards the target and opened fire the moment he was in range, followed by Ransack, Raz, Icebox and Fireball. Green bolts closed the gap between the black armored pegasi and their golden foe.
The Gold Baron barely adjusted his flight course as the plasma blasts raced towards him. He angled down as they tracked him, bolts bouncing off the energy shield just behind him. As they came closer, his eyes turned red again and he began an upward spin, corkscrewing into their path around their fire. He blasted past them upside down, leaving them staring back in his wake.
Springer immediately realized that none of their shots had him. "Pull around for another pass!" she ordered. Three acknowledgment lights appeared in her heads up display indicating her squad mates understood. But she had four squad mates. "Rans? Copy?" She looked behind her as she banked. Ransack was out of formation heading south, losing altitude.
"Crap… he got me, captain. My stabilizer's gone and I've got no control over anything."
"Ransack, pull up! Pull up!!"
"Really wish I could," Rans replied. "Can't control my armor right now. Sorry, cap."
The stallion's left side was sparking from deep gouges in his armor. His left maneuvering thruster and plasma caster were both missing, as was his jetpack. The remaining thruster carried the pegasus in a slow spiral and eventually down into the energy shield. He skipped across it twice before he exploded. "GAAAAHHHH!!!"
"RANS!!" Springer screamed. "Dammit." She watched through the translucent shield as Ransack's unconscious form rolled down the energy shield to the ground below.
"Having second thoughts are we, Captain Springer? Your dedication to your squad comes a bit too late. Admit defeat to me and I will show mercy."
"Kiss my tail."
"Oh, I'll do better than that."
Razorang pulled up close to her. "Captain, let me take him. Cover me and I'll hit him from behind," she said, deploying her green plasma gauntlets. The shimmering energy blades were attached to her forelegs, hind legs, tail and wings and head where a horn would be. Strong enough to cut even through arcicite, they would make short work of anything in power armor.
The captain nodded once. "Make it happen."
The blades electrified as Raz banked right and dove out of the formation, flying low until she was out of sight. The other three took up a delta formation with Springer in the lead once again. The Gold Baron was banking around in a long turn towards them, a slow turn that would give him full view of his foes while maintaining distance between them. It was a careful move, not an aggressive one. Even an amateur flier would recognize it as a defensive maneuver which told Springer he wasn't invincible.
He had predicted them. The first attack was an ambush; he had been hiding in the cloud, waiting for them. The second, they had came in fast and hard, trying to overwhelm him and he had anticipated it. But now, he was being defensive, showing them that he didn't know what they would do next. She knew exactly what to do.
Springer spearheaded towards the Baron, forcing him to cut his bank early. They were headed directly at each other again for another lethal pass. Flares ignited on the Gold Baron's armor, accelerating him forward. Springer, Fireball and Icebox opened up on him again with the plasma casters and again, their foe juked each blast. But instead of flying at him again, Springer and her group pulled a sharp dive to the right, forcing him to change course.
The Gold Baron shot past them, looking over his shoulder as he did. He pulled up and cut his thrusters, a choice that cost him speed but allowed him to keep close on the Enclave pegasus' tails. Reigniting his thrusters again, he changed directions and pursued them.
He was closing fast, golden claws deployed once again. If he had ranged or homing weaponry of any kind, he hadn't deployed it yet. Whether it was because of lack of equipment or abundance of pride, Springer didn't care. She and her wing ponies swiveled their casters behind them and fired in their wakes right at him. He dodged each blast again and continued gaining on them.
Hydra Squadron flew with their backs pointed to the surface, looking back at their pursuer while gunning at him with everything they had. They had to do something to slow him down but he was dodging their shots too quickly. Springer aimed at him and fired faster, the barrels of the casters at her side burning hot and never losing the glow of green. Her heart was in her throat as the Gold Baron closed the distance effortlessly.
Finally, Hydra-three's signal appeared right in front of them. "Break now!" Springer ordered.
The three Enclave ponies shot away in different directions. In the center of where their formation had been, Razorang rocketed down the alley right towards the Gold Baron, plasma blades drawn. They were flying at each other head on. If he tried to adjust course or stop, she'd have him and if he tried to dodge, she'd be able to counter it. He was all hers.
The Gold Baron twisted his wrist. An explosion of smoke erupted right in Razorang's face, obscuring her vision. Despite the fact that her HUD was designed to allow her to track targets regardless of visibility conditions, it erupted into static. The chaff grenade blinded her sensors, deafened her comms and made the visor screen in front of her a distorted blur. She cut through the smokescreen but her blades came into contact with nothing.
Her systems rebooted quickly, allowing her to see once again. And what she saw was the energy shield heading straight up for her. "OH SHIII-" She hit the shield face first. "AAARARARARARARARARA!" It was a shock to her in more ways than one, as the Gold Baron who held her in place had intended.
The baron electrified the pegasus' armor and then raised her up with one claw. Turning toward the other pegasi, she through Razorang at them.
"DUCK!!" Springer shouted. Fireball and Icebox were not quick enough. Raz collided with both of them and the three crashed to the shield, each of them exploding, landing on it and bouncing off it all the way down to the ground below.
Springer watched her remaining wing mates as they lay prone on the ground, burnt and smoldering. She then looked up to see the Gold Baron staring back at her.
"And then there was one."
She swallowed. He charged at her. "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!" she yelled, spraying her plasma casters at the approaching foe while trying to slip away. But he was too fast, too evasive and soon caught up to her. "WHO ARE YOU?!!"
"You know who I am! We both have masters, sweetheart!" He swooped in on her and grabbed her with a single, shiny gold claw. "Mine just show me a little respect! Be seein' you!"
"What?!" The baron placed a single claw into Springer's jetpack and punctured the fuel line. Her jets ignited and she went spiraling off in a a blaze of fire and smoke.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" Springer collided with the shield just once and rebounded off of it with the force of her own name. She landed in the Everfree Forest, oddly enough near the Temple of The Elements.
In the skies above Ponyville, Mace-one led several of Raptor Wing's recon flights to scout for Hydra Squadron. They found nothing except for the energy shield they already knew had been there and a single cloud hovering above it with a flag sticking out. Nervous, Thorny ordered the rest of the wing back to base.
It was sunset by the time Springer regrouped with the rest of the downed members of Hydra Squadron by the train tracks outside of town. What was left of their armor, they fashioned into crutches, casts and various supports for their battered limbs. They would not be flying home.
Springer winced as she lifted her left foreleg, the one that held her armor's now un-integrated CLIPbuck. The screen was cracked and it had no power, like the rest of their equipment and weapons. "Outpost Halberd is closest. We should be able to make it there before sundown."
Spinner, both her hind legs broken, limped up to her. "So that's it for the mission, huh?"
"Not now, Spin."
"Hey, cap?"
"What?"
The battered blue mare grinned at her. "You realize we went from owning the skies to getting owned in the skies, right?"
Springer frowned and kept her eyes forward. "Shut up, Spinner."
"Heh."
The group limped northward to the outpost leaving defeat behind them.
Dan beats the crap out of Prince Blueblood with a Car Phone
Dan grabbed the phone, his hand interfering with the prince's magic grasp. "He'll call you back."
Blueblood tried to yank the phone out of Dan's hand. "What ARE you doing?! Let go of my car phone!"
"Get off my ride." Dan pulled the phone back.
"Unhand the royal phone!"
"Get off. My. Ride."
"Ngggghhh!" The prince groaned, pulling the phone between the two of them. Dan did not release, glaring steadfast at Blueblood. He leaned forward as the usurper pulled but his feet didn't move an inch. Blueblood wasn't used to even this amount of magical exertion; his levitation grip faded against Dan's physical hold.
*crunk*"OW!" And it clocked him right in the side of the head.
"Aha-haha-haha-ha-*clunk* OWHH!" The phone's cord snapped back in Dan's grip and it rubberbanded, still in the human's grasp, right into Blueblood's muzzle.
"You STRUCK me!"
"You hit ME!"
The two grabbed each other by the shoulders, determined to push the other off the side. Teeth gritted, they twisted and pulled each other, locked in a battle of grips. The corded car phone, still in Dan's hand, began to wrap around them as they they spun. After three wraps, the tautness of the early 90's telephone yanked them back to the dashboard and sprung them over the side.
"Grallgghh!!"
"Uhhllgghh!!"
The pair hung in front of the chariot, momentarily strangled by the plastic-coated wire, smashed together and grasping their necks. Fortunately, their combined weight pulled the chariot's solid gold podium platform down, causing it to lean until the pair of them were on the ground. Blueblood quickly took advantage of that fact and before Dan could free himself from the tangled phone line, the prince teleported out of it.
"Aahhhhhhh!!!" The immediate lack of weight caused the chariot to flip back up again and Dan to get flipped with it. He was flung like a catapult back around onto the chariot's platform and smashed into the wooden finish.
"Ha-haha-haha," Blueblood laughed as Dan was flung. "Oh…" His laugh abruptly stopped as the chariot continued its catapult motion and snapped back down again, hammering the white stallion into the dirt with a solid *wham*. It continued rocking back and fourth, smashing him into the ground.
"Uhhhllll… oooooog…" The prince groaned, flattened against the dirt. Finally, the chariot stopped the hammering motion and stood upright again.
*WHAM*
"AUGLLLPH!" It slammed him one more time for no apparent reason.
*WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM* Then a few more times probably because it didn't like Blueblood either.
"Errrrgghh… gerrrrrrrr…" Tiny, gold cartoony parasprites circled Blueblood's head as he lay there dazed.
Grabbing the handlebars, Dan pulled himself up from the floor. His disorientation cleared immediately when he saw the prone form of Blueblood laying on the ground in front of him. "HaHA! And now, I'm gonna run you over with MY chariot!" He revved the handlebars and hit the primer for what he thought was the ignition.
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!" In actuality, it was the ejector seat.
Blueblood slowly pried himself off the ground, bruised and covered in dirt. His tiara-crown hybrid was crumpled to resemble more of a paper crown and was missing jewels while other gems were loose, as were his teeth. He steadied himself against the chariot and in response, the chariot started to lean forward to crush him again but he quickly braced against it to stop that from happening.
*fwhump* Dan landed on the ground just a few feet away from him. He was on his feet by the time Blueblood shambled over to him. For a few huffing moments, the pair stared at each other, both beaten and angry.
"You… you don't deserve to be a prince… of anything. Not even of a mini golf course. Or tennis."
"Oh, save it," Blueblood brushed off the threat. "No one ever gets what they… what they deserve. They either get more… or they get less. Like you. Or the shapeshifter. Both of you didn't deserve to be a part of this world but here you are… screwing things up for everypony else."
Rage burned inside Dan. His breathing became faster, harder.
"You don't say that about Chrys, asshole! She could change into a better ruler than you if she changed into the throne you sat on!"
"You're all peasants!" Blueblood yelled. "I've been treated like a spoiled snob since I was born! I didn't get the chance to be anything else! And I waited in line for the throne for years just to watch her give it up to a unicorn who'd rather be in Ponyville?! Living with these hicks?!!"
"Wait….," Dan held up his hand, panting. "You were supposed to be the ruler of… of Ponyville?"
Blueblood shook his head, steadying himself on the chariot. "No, you buffoon, but I was the next in line for a kingdom. There's more royalty than there are provinces. Auntie Tia assigns territory to princes and princesses based on lineage, our place in the royal family. She has for generations! After Luna came back, I was SUPPOSED to get assigned a province and Earl Earl was supposed to get my country club! But now, little Twilight Sparkle's a princess so EVERYTHING's been shifted again!"
"She probably knew you wouldn't make a good leader."
"I am a great leader!"
"Ha," Dan scoffed. "You couldn't lead a parade if you started marching in front of one and twirled a baton."
"Pfft. You already used that joke once."
"You know what else I used?" Dan held up the car phone. "This."
Whatever smug grin Blueblood wore was immediately wiped off him when Dan punched him with the car phone. The prince was hit so hard he spun around and hit the chariot's side, like when George McFly slugged out Biff at the end of Back to The Future. But unlike that movie, Dan didn't let up. He grabbed BB by the shoulder and wailed into him again with the car phone.
"You. Have. An. Incoming. Call!" Dan said, repeatedly slugging the white pony.
"*burr-barr-breee*"We're sorry; the number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again." The phone finally broke. Dan put it on top of Blueblood's head like it was an answering machine.
Triumphant, the human stomped back over to the house and pounded on the door. "Twilight! Guys! I have good news!"
The door opened. Most of them were already dressed but apparently Fluffle was a bit too… fluffy… for her uniform.
The fluffy mare glared unamusedly as Twilight and Phoenix tried to get the bedazzled shirt over her font hooves."Thppppbbbbbbpppp…" I am NOT fat. This is just my winter fluff.
(But it's spring.) Phoenix's inner dialogue said.
"Pbbbbbttthrrpp." My fluff doesn't obey your puny nature rules, lawyer.
(Point taken.)
"Guys, I got good news," Dan announced. "We aren't going anywhere with Bloomers."
"Why's that… hrrrgggg… Dan?" Twilight asked, pulling the uniform over Fluffle.
Dan threw his thumb over his shoulder. "I had a phone conference with the monarch and he's decided to reconsider his position."
"Really?" Chrys asked. "How did you manage that?"
"Once again, violence has solved all our problems," Dan said with satisfaction. "I've yet to meet a situation the right application of force combined with verbal abuse could not correct."
"Awwww…" Blast Fuse and Blast Powder moaned from underneath a pile of bombs and a stack of TNT. "But we wanted to use explosive force!"
Dan ruffled their manes. "There's always next time, girls."
Another knock at the door drew their attention. "Excuse me? Are you all quite done?"
The hair on the back of Dan's neck spiked. "How the heck could he be up again so quickly?!"
Stomping over, Dan tore open the door. Behind it, Blueblood stood, unscathed and even his crown was undamaged. "Well, thank goodness you're decent, captain. Are we ready to depart?"
"How the buck are you standing?" Dan asked. "I gave you the royal beatdown you deserved!"
"What?" Blueblood asked, momentarily confused. "OH, haha. You must've been talking about my stunt double, Bleublood."
Dan's face went blank. "Stunt double?" Over the prince's shoulder, a pair of paramedics were already hauling off a second Blueblood on a stretcher. "I feel cheated now."
"Ah-haha-ha," the prince laughed. "Did you really think it would be that easy, captain? Well, I do hope you enjoyed your chance to vent a little frustration but we must be going. Hop to it, now!"
The human frowned and turned back to Twilight and the others. "Can you guys wait inside for another five minutes?"
Despite Dan's protests, he and the others joined Blueblood in a drive through Bluebloodburg. Only Blueblood thought it was a drive though, because he was the only one driving; everyone else was pulling the chariot. With Dan and Chrys in the lead, the prince's newest servants were all harnessed in and uniformed in the blue-white bejeweled uniforms with his face on them. They pulled his massive gold chariot( Dan's scuffle with the royal body double having damaged the battery and controls) through town as Blueblood mushed them all, holding their reins and wearing a grin of deep self-satisfaction on his face.
"Any luck finding something we can impeach him with?" Dan asked.
"Not that I've seen so far," Phoenix said. The lawyer flipped through the pages of what passed for a book on Equestrian law.
Next to him, Twilight did the same, levitating her own book in front of her as she walked. "There's not many laws specifically relating to the monarchy… wait!" Twilight pointed her hoof at a page, "We can get him arrested if he sings in a blue dress in public!"
"That won't work," Phoenix shook his head. "That law only applies to men and Blueblood's transgender now."
"Oh, right. Didn't think about that."
"If it's any consolation, I don't think ANYONE wants to think about that too hard."
"Good point. No, sorry; we're still looking, Dan," Twilight said, returning to the book.
Dan huffed frustratedly. "Maybe try to find a precedent before he decides he wants to do some off-loading."
As the group marched down the street, they resembled more a group of political prisoners than the royal escorts of a monarch. On a street corner, Trixie used a disposable camera to take pictures of them.
"This is going right on the Great and Powerful Trixie's Great and Powerful Tumblr page!!" Trixie exclaimed, excitedly spooling the film and snapping another photo.
Nearly blinded by the flash, Twilight and the others looked over at her. "Trixie! What are you doing?!"
"Trixie is capturing the image for her audience! Trixie's media needs more comedic material!"
"At our expense?!" Twilight yelled back. "This is humiliating! I thought we were friends now!"
"Trixie is sorry, Twilight Sparkle but the Great and Powerful Trixie cannot hear you!" she took another photo. "Please speak up next time you are addressing the Great and Powerful Trixie!"
Chrys shook her head. "Looks like Trixie's having a Great and Powerful relapse."
"I think maybe Blueblood's modifications to the town are doing that," Shining said. "Same thing happened in the Crystal Empire with the crystal ponies when Vice Grip took over."
"The douchebaggery filters down like acid rain," Dan remarked, trudging along.
"Wave! Wave at the camera for the Great and Powerful Trixie's fans!"
Together, they trudged just a little bit faster until Trixie was out of sight. Or she had just run out of film.
"MUSH! MUSH! MUSH!" Blueblood shouted, oblivious to their plotting against him. The chariot slowly turned a corner down yet another crowded formerly-Ponyville street. The grass and dirt underneath them were all blue, resembling cobalt concrete. The cottages and simple Ponyville buildings were still there, now dwarfed every few lots by a skyscraper that seemed to have either grown up from the ground or been stabbed into the earth.
The larger towering buildings were all similar, identical in composite but not in shape. Their surfaces were dark blue trimmed with gold and the letters BB emblazoned somewhere on the side. Mirrored clusters of windows were arrayed like diamonds on them at various intervals no one could see out of. Some buildings were shaped like giant "T"s while others were curved like building blocks. A few were pyramids and more than one was an upside down pyramid and for no gotdamn reason at all there was a Sphinx with Blueblood's face winking at those passing by. Blueblood signaled for Dan and company to stop pulling the chariot as they reached a building shaped like a heptagon if designed by someone who didn't know what a heptagon was.
"I know what a heptagon is. It's the newest, most fabulous shape in Ponyville! I had Kingsley build it himself."
You realize it's structural unsound, right? The base is too wide to evenly distribute the weight of the structure above the foundation.
"Oh, stop trying to make yourself sound smart. You're like my architectural engineer."
…
"Blueblood, stop pissing off the narrator," Chrys said.
"Pffft. Fine, nerdling." Blueblood dismounted his chariot, using a small elevator platform in the back that lowered him to street level without exerting himself at all. The others had already removed their harnesses and stood in front of the tacky gem-shaped building. "So, I know you must all be wondering what we're doing here."
"Not really, no."
"Close!" Blueblood exclaimed, as if Shining had made a guess. Which he hadn't but apparently Blueblood's ego-goggles had a built-in headset, too. "We're here so you may all witness a preview of my glorious rule. I've arranged a special demonstration so you may all see what my leadership will look like."
"Is the building going to burst into flames?" Dan asked. "Because that's what my response to your leadership is going to look like."
"Oh, silly Dan. There'll be plenty of time for celebration when we're finished."
Dan shook with rage. "I can't even threaten this guy. He's unthreatenable!"
Cadence shrugged. "No but if it's meant to resemble Blueblood's rule, I'm guessing the building is going to collapse."
"And it won't need any help from us," Shining added.
Blueblood turned to the group. "Before we enter, there's something I need from you, Dan."
"You're going to need a restraining order against me. That's what you're going to need."
A long bejeweled piece of cobalt blue parchment levitated over to Dan and unfurled. The human looked over the scroll and then back up to Blueblood. "Really?"
The prince nodded once, eyes closed and muzzle slightly raised in snooty contentment.
The human grumbled and shoved the crumpled scroll into Blueblood's chest, pushing past him and into the building.
The building turned out to be a hotel with the entrance being the lobby. Various ponies, Canterlot elitists, milled back and fourth talking not to each other but on their various hooves-free devices. Even the bellhops were snobby unicorns, careless and contemptuous of those around them except for the occasional overly-bejeweled bag.
Dan barged into the lobby and stood at one side of the entrance. With a sweep of his arm, he gestured to the doorway and sighed heavily. "Presenting her honorable, the royal majesty of Bluebloodestria, her magnificent regalness, Princess Bloomeressa Bluteesa Blueblood."
The doors opened and Blueblood walked in, flanked by Shining and Cadence. The others, having less royal power in Blueblood's eyes, followed in the monarch's wake. Various oohs, ahhs and light applause came from the bystanders in the lobby. To Blueblood, he was a celebrity and that made any carpet the red carpet.
Dan scowled as he passed. Each of his friends patted him on the shoulder, even hugged him, sharing his pain. The Blast Sisters tried to offer him some explosive devices but Dan rejected them. The way the hotel was built, it would probably collapse if he used them.
The prince/princess led the group to the elevators, to the top floor and to a small conference chamber. The room had a high ceiling and resembled more of a chamber in the Canterlot Castle than a hotel. A long white table with golden chairs dominated the center. Every part of them seemed sterile and clean, blank slates.
"This is where I will be doing all of my decision-making in Bluebloodestria," Blueblood said. "Or at least, when I'm not at Blueblood Castle."
"Of course, because every tyrant needs a place to dictate while in town," Chrys said, moving to a seat.
"I'm sorry, Chrysalis but I don't believe I gave you permission to sit down."
The changeling queen looked back at him blankly. "Are you serious?"
Blueblood moved to the lead chair and took a seat himself. "These seats are reserved for the Bluebloodestrian Council, my chosen administrators."
It was then Chrys noticed that there were eight chairs in the room and each of them had a unique symbol on them. Specifically, they were the symbols for each of the Elements of Harmony… and the chair opposite Blueblood was dark blue.
"Your chosen administrators?" Shining asked. "You're going to appoint governors without the approval of the royal family?"
Blueblood nodded. "In a manner of speaking. And Shining, my dear boy, I already have."
Shining was about to say something when Blueblood touched a button underneath the table. Seven individual holograms appeared at each of the chairs, each representing a new ruler of Equestria. And all of them were Blueblood.
"Hellooooooo," the Blueblood holograms greeted.
"You're SCREWING with us," Dan exclaimed. "You're going to appoint rulers over us… and they're all YOU?!!"
The prince/princess grinned. "It seemed as really the most logical decision. You Americans value division of power, do you not? This is my way of dividing power."
"AMONGST YOURSELF!!" Dan yelled, punching one of the holograms. To his dissatisfaction, his fist went right through the other side and smacked the back of the chair. The marble-appearing material broke like chalk against Dan's blow, revealing it was more like cheap chalk. "This is more egotistical than appointing one of your pets in charge!"
"Nonsense. My pets have their own kingdoms to look after."
"Figures," Shining remarked.
"They still outrank you and Cadence, though."
"Ughhhh…"
Blueblood cleared his throat. "*Ahem* Now, if you'll all be keen to observe, my associates and I have important business to discuss."
"I'm sure the conversation will be one-sided," Chrys said.
"So," Blueblood announced. "Shall we begin?"
"Oh, indubitably." "Yes, of course." "Right away!"
Each of the holo-clones stated. "All right, then. All in favor of converting Bluebloodestria to the metric system, say "aye"!"
"AYE!!"
"Aye," Blueblood banged a small gavel. "There. It's settled. The council votes unanimously to convert the kingdom to the metric system."
Dan and company deadpanned. "You… you're not just screwing with us. You're screwing with the WHOLE ENTIRE NATION!!"
The ruler glanced snidely over his shoulder. "I'm screwing with my nation, Dan. And you're just lucky to be along for the ride."
Rage boiled inside the human as the two locked eyes. Dan's grip was on the edge of the table, which began to crack in his hand.
But it was Twilight who spoke up first. "This is not YOUR nation, Blueblood."
"Yeah!" Shining and Cadence joined her. "We may tolerate you sitting on the throne but making decisions that affect the whole nation is not gonna happen."
"Oh, don't be silly, you three," Blueblood batted away the suggestion. "This was just a demonstration, remember?"
"Still…"
The prince got up from his seat. "Now, there are several other things I want you to bare witness to. So let's be on our way!" The corrupt monarch delightfully led the band outside the conference hall and back to the elevators.
"Your highness…" Shining said, the words like venom seeping through his teeth. The elevator was cramped with all of them in it, so much so that it was impossible to whisper without everyone hearing. "if the only pony you're going to consult when taking executive action is… yourself… why does it matter how you make your royal decisions?"
"Aha-ha-ha, of course it does, dear Prince Armor," Blueblood said, tossing his mane back with a flick of his head. The ends of his blonde bangs hit Dan in the face. The human didn't blink but his eye and upper lip began to twitch with rage. "It's important to consult with one's peers when dealing with important matters, is it not?"
"Yeah, but… they're all… you," Twilight added, her voice was a mixture of disgust and protest.
The prince cast a sly grin over his shoulder at her. "They're the only ones whom I could consider my peers."
"I think I'm gonna throw up again…" Spike said.
"Prince…ess…" Twilight continued, almost pained, "Blueblood, you have to talk to ponies before you go doing something that might affect their jobs, their homes, their lives. You can't govern without the consent of the governed."
"Celestia wasn't an absolute monarch," Phoenix added. "She had to obey the laws set fourth by the Equestrian Charter," he said, turning a page in the massive law book he was still holding. "And one of those laws requires representation of all Equestrian subjects. You have to have fair and equal representation."
"That's right!" Dan shouted, spitted Blueblood's hair out of his face. "No reformation without representation! Or else you're gonna face some serious reprobation!"
"Oh, but you will be represented," Blueblood said, still grinning slyly. "That's what those holograms were for."
The entire group deadpanned. "Wut."
"Anypony will be able to voice their concerns to the Bluebloodestrian Council of Blueblood. Each Councilor will then consider the importance of each concern before a weekly meeting where the correct course of action will be decided by moi," Blueblood explained.
Twilight shook her head. "But that's not representation. Ponies don't choose who represents their concerns; you've just created a nifty way for you to shove yourself in every pony's face at all times!"
"Blueblood, Celestia didn't have a council but her advisors were elected by ponies in Equestria. Like the mayor, the treasurer, chief security officer."
"XO, the captain, communications officer, transporter operator."
Twilight had a puzzled look for a moment, before she realized, "Guys, you're thinking of Star Trek again."
The pair looked at each other. "Oh, crap. We totally are!"
"Hahaha, because we just got the TNG collection on DVD." They both laughed.
Twilight shook her head. Her brother and sister-in-law were sometimes too nerdy for their own good. She edged her way up to Blueblood's side, as unpleasant as that was. "Blueblood, listen to me. Your holograms… you, don't always know what's best for Equestria."
"Bluebloodestria."
"WHATEVER! Look, you know this can't last, right? Everypony's just going to keep doing what they've been doing no matter what you decide, within reason and within the law. We all know that- it happens no matter who's in charge, no matter what they decide. But if they come to you and they need help, you have the responsibility to help them!" Twilight exclaimed. "Do you understand?"
"I understand," Blue said. He careened over at Twilight, leaning his greasy gaze into the mare's eyes. Because she was an alicorn, they were both the same height more or less. "When my subjects need help, they'll go to you. Isn't that what they did when Celestia was in charge?"
Twilight's look of disgust slowly changed to abject horror. It was mirrored by her brother, Cadence and those around them. The elevator dinged. They had reached the ground floor and the door began to open.
"There's something else you should understand," Dan grabbed the elevator doors with both hands. He slid the two silvery doors closed shut and turned around to face Blueblood. "You're not leaving this elevator alive!" With a free hand, he grabbed one of the tyrant's shoulders.
"Aha-ha-ha, Dan, I never tire of your humor," Blueblood laughed. He teleported through the door.
*SLAM* Dan, still holding onto Blueblood as he teleported, was smashed into the elevator as the stuck up stallion exited the other side of the solid steel doors. "Errrrrrrrrr…" the human slid to the floor.
Shining patted his back. "Good try, Dan."
"Thanff youf."
The doors slid open and the party exited, following Blueblood back to the lobby.
"Ah, now that that's out of the way, it's time for us to see some new things Kingsley's been constructing," Blueblood announced, exiting the doors into the street.
"Kingsley? You mean that solid-gold Magic Gear you have?" Chrys asked. "You just let it go off on its own?"
Blueblood nodded. "I did. Quite a handy contraption Vice cobbled together. All of these buildings were actually constructed by it based on my own designs. It's able to take very few resources and either remodel or create entirely new structures, vehicles or whatever else you might want."
"It built ALL of these in less than a day?!" Twilight asked, astonished and horrified. With capabilities like that, every city in Equestria could be Bluebloodized within a matter of weeks.
"Indeed it did. In fact, with capabilities like these, why, I could add my personal touch to every city in Equestria within a matter of weeks," Blueblood said, repeating EXACTLY WHAT THE NARRATOR JUST SAID!!
"Ah, but I said it better. Do try to put some more effort into it, dear boy. Things involving magnificence of my caliber require finesse."
Things involving anything of your caliber should require a warning label and a lobotomy.
"Haha, you're too funny, narrator. Come along now, let's get going!"
…
"It's okay. We got this," Twilight said, comforting the narrator. Honestly… narrators have feelings, too. You know those words that are outside the quotations in EVERY story? That's ME. And my friends. Most of the time. Sometimes, it's robots.
The guy writing this does his best but still… I'm the one who has to detail everything Blueblood does. That means I have to actually OBSERVE Blueblood. With my EYES. And I'm just a disembodied voice. Do you know what it's LIKE for me to watch what Blueblood does? Imagine a train wreck and all the trains are glittery. THAT'S what it's like to look at Blueblood.
"It's all right, sir, we're here for you." (I can definitely understand not wanting to be around someone like Blueblood. Reminds me of Red White. Thankfully, he's still behind bars.)
"Why are you all standing around talking to the ceiling? Let's go!" Blueblood beckoned.
With much anti-enthusiasm, Dan and company followed their overlord back to his golden chariot.
"Let's get going quickly now! Re-don the royal reins and get the royal chariot moving! We have another royal appointment to attend!"
"I'll give you a royal opening," Dan muttered, putting the harness around his neck yet again. They all harnessed themselves in and began pulling the chariot once more, semi-slaves to the maniacal driver standing upon a golden pillar behind them. "If I may ask, your vainness, what pray tell are going to this time?"
"Aha, I'm happy you asked, dear Dan," Blueblood said, fawning over himself in one of the side mirrors. "While you have been enjoying the pleasure of my company, Kingsley has been busy developing new projects for the new Bluebloodburg. I've scheduled all of us to attend the ribbon cutting ceremony at each new structure! Isn't that exciting?"
They all stopped pulling. The chariot, still rolling hit Shining Armor and Cadence in the flank, pushing them into all the others until they were in a pile in front of it.
"Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-all of them??!!" Twilight stuttered in terror. "Y-you're going to make us drag you to ALL of them?!"
Blueblood smiled. "Well, of course, Princess Twilight. I mean, who else but my private court could accompany me?"
The entire group let out a collective moan underneath Twilight. "Your… highness, please. Don't you think this has gone on far enough?"
Blueblood said nothing. He looked down at Twilight and just fluttered his eyelashes at her. The purple pony cringed and shook with disgust in response.
"Twilight," Dan said, reaching up to grab her hoof from underneath her, "just keep working with Nicky to find a way to remove him. Take my phone, look up any information you need to impeach him."
Phoenix pulled himself up next to Twilight. "I suppose we could search for any specific precedents that could cause a prince or princess of any kind to be removed. There might not be any record of a monarch being forced to abdicate but there still might be a condition that causes it."
"So we're gonna Google how to remove a prince or princess from office?" Twilight asked.
Dan nodded. "If it gets the job done, yeah. Just find a way to get him off the throne and off our backs!"
"Okay, Dan," the lawyer-magician team replied.
"Why is there a delay? Continue pulling the royal chariot! Mush! Onwards!" Blueblood commanded. He whipped the reins to get them back into motion.
"Get to searching!" Dan whispered to Twilight. "Yes, your tackiness. We'll get back to pulling your wagon right away."
"And try to be faster," Blueblood said. "The lack of wind is drying out my mane. Accelerate to our next destination so your prince's… err, prinCESS's mane remains vivacious!"
The parade of hate drove down several more blocks. Thus, began the loathsome, aggravated montage as the group ferried Blueblood from grand and bland opening to grander and blander opening. They approached a red carpet ceremony(on a blue carpet) at yet another obnoxiously-shaped building and pulled up to the curb. And the montage was cued.
At Blueblood's Palace Casino
"Presenting his immense imminence, the magnificent majestic majesty that is, Princess Blueblood," Dan announced. Blueblood cut the ribbon amidst snobby cheers and applause, congratulated himself and the group moved on.
At Blueblood's All-Bleu All-you-can-afford Restaurant and Buffet
"Presenting his royal… ness… Princess Blueblood."
Blueblood held the scissors up high, ribbon between the blades. "With this new eating establishment, we will finally be free of foods provided by the lesser classes at Sweet Apple Acres!" He cut the ribbon.
"Applejack's not gonna be happy about this…" Chrys muttered. The rest of the group nodded.
At Blueblood's self-portrait DeviantArt Gallery Galleria Gala
"Here's that guy… Princess Blueblood."
"With this new gallery, I hope to inspire not just the local community but the online community to capture more beautiful images like these!" Blueblood said, cutting the ribbon.
"To be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing a picture of Blueblood being bludgeoned to death," Dan remarked. "Or us being back home without him."
"Sounds like art I can appreciate, Dan," Cadence said.
At Blueblood's NASCAR-chariot Stadium, Nail Salon and Home Theater Installation Center(AKA The Blueblood Dome)
"Look, it's Blueblood."
"With this new stadium, I…" Blueblood turned around and looked at the logo overhead that said Stadium, Nail Salon and Home Theater Installation Center. "Okay, I have no idea what I was thinking with this one. But it's open now!" Lackluster applause followed.
At Blueblood's Royal Reststop
"What the squee is this?" Dan asked.
Blueblood stood proudly in front of his newest establishment. "And with this new lavatory, we seek to glamorize-"
"You built a solid-gold outhouse?!!"
Behind Blueblood, the solid-gold outhouse flushed as if on cue.
Chrys face-hooved. "Thirteen episodes. We got to thirteen episodes without toilet humor. Way to go, Barro," she said, voice heavy with sarcasm. Confetti descended above the platform celebrating the writer's refrain from resorting to crude bathroom comedy. Balloons descended with the number thirteen emblazoned on them and several bottle rockets fired off above the stage. Truly, it was something to celebrate. So much so, we created a commemorative icon frame for it.
Apparently, something we're proud of Thirteen Episodes Without Resorting to Toilet Humor Has to be some kind of record… somewhere
The fanfare ended as Blueblood cut the ribbon for his solid-gold outhouse.
"Really?" Dan asked. "You actually made a solid-gold outhouse?" He looked at the camera. "And how is that supposed to be funny?"
"Thbb-thppp-thpp thpp-thpp thbbb!!" Fluffle said, presenting the golden outhouse. Which translated to, "There's no way a solid-gold outhouse could possibly be funny!"
"Does anybody have some toilet paper?" a voice from inside asked. "Everything in here seems to be… gold. Including the TP."
"Thppp!" Translation: "Unless it had solid-gold toilet paper to go with it!"
Shining levitated a spare roll from Blueblood's chariot(which was apparently equipped with its own bathroom) and tossed it into the stall. "There you go, buddy."
"Thanks!"
Levitating a solid-gold scroll up to him, Blueblood announced, "Well, that seems to be the last structure on our list."
"Hooray," Dan's group let out a unanimous, relieved cheer. "That means we can go home now, right?" Dan asked.
Blueblood nodded. "But of course."
The scene did a horizontal flip transition and the gang appeared in front of Blueblood's mansion at night.
"Wait a minute, I DIDN'T MEAN YOUR HOME!!"
The prince-whatever scoffed. "Pffft, well, how else are you expected to fulfill my needs in the evening?"
Dan's entire body vibrated with rage. He turned to Twilight and Wright. "You guys find anything yet?"
The two shook their heads, still pouring over data on their phones. "No… but there are already several groups on EQD that are shipping Blueblood with his holographic clones," Phoenix said.
"Figures," Dan said.
"Short of him breaking the law or committing a war crime, there doesn't seem to be anything that could force him off the throne," Phoenix added.
"That's not even the worst part," Twilight said. She held up the phone's display. "According to this, Blueblood really was next in line for the throne. That means his claim is legitimate… and if it's recognized by another nation, his sovereignty will be official. Bluebloodestria will be real."
Dan whispered really quietly to them both. "So let's make sure he doesn't find out about this."
"Doesn't find out about what?"
The two humans and pony spun around quickly from their huddle. "Um.. uh-um, what we're planning on doing tomorrow!" Twilight said.
"Just ironing out the details," Phoenix nodded, smiling as wide as he could. (And those details just happen to involve overthrowing a certain oppressive tyrant.)
"Yeah, what we're plotting on doing tomorrow."
Twilight elbowed Dan in the gut.
"Planning! I meant planning. Plans that do not involve toppling the regime you have so justly and rightfully put in place," Dan said, smiling and looking diabolically innocent.
"Oh, you needn't worry about that, my vassals," Blueblood assured them. "I've planned out our schedule for the next several months."
"Months…?"
"What we'll be doing, where we'll be going, where we'll be eating and of course, all sorts of new fun things for you to wear!" Blueblood clopped his hooves together gleefully.
"Months?" Dan repeated. "He said months, right? I did hear that, didn't I? Or did I just imagine something soul-crushing?"
"I'm afraid you didn't," Twilight said, grimly.
"Come now, all of you!" Blueblood beckoned. "Just wait until you see the rest of the mansion!"
"Would it be too much to ask for it to be full of ghosts so we can call Luigi?" Phoenix asked.
"Nonsense!" Blueblood called from the steps of the foreboding blue-and-white residence. "You'll love enjoy being my servants before long. Dan, be a dear, get the door."
Twilight used her magic to get it for Dan. Dan was experiencing rage lock at the moment, the symptom that occurred when he became so angry his hands were balled so tightly into fists that he almost couldn't un-ball them unless he beat the living crap out of Blueblood. You probably know the feeling.
The rest of the evening was mostly quiet except for Dan's almost constant growls of pure anger. They happened whenever Dan was close to Blueblood, like when he delivered his dinner, refilled his drink or was forced to use a napkin to wipe the prince's face. The rest of them dined along with Blueblood after preparing his meal, one of the only good things about spending the night in his company. They ate, trying to enjoy what little enjoyment they had from a free meal.
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder, even more inseparable now that they were in Blueblood's mansion, slid up to Twilight while she was eating. Their chairs creaked across the floor as they slid up to Twilight's side.
"We've analyzed over four-hundred structural weak points in this building."
"We've also created a diagram of how best they can be exploited," Fuse said, holding up a blueprint that had been drawn on a napkin.
"Guys, thanks," Twilight said, taking the napkin, "but we're not going to go around sticking explosives all over the mansion."
"They're already there."
Twilight deadpanned. "Wha… wha… wha… what?"
The two sisters nodded happily. "We're good with rapid demolition. We knew you could teleport everybody out of here before we set them off."
Powder held up the detonator marked TNT. "You wanna be the one to hit the switch?"
"Give me that!!" Twilight quickly grabbed it. "Go. Get. The. Bombs. NOW! Diffuse them quickly before anybody finds out!!"
"Awwwwwwwww," the two mares groaned. "But they would've been pretty."
"Blueblood would've liked them."
"Most of them are blue."
"Some are orange. We ran outta blue."
"NOW!!" Twilight pointed, panting, her heart in her throat. As if there wasn't enough on her mind already.
After dinner, Blueblood gave each of them new outfits to wear. Maids outfits. To clean and dust every nook and cranny of his opulently obnoxious mansion. Twilight and Phoenix took that opportunity to do some more research into the rights of monarchy.
"It's possible Blueblood has a book of his own about Equestrian rule practices," Phoenix said, dusting along with Twilight deliberately to get them into the library. While Blueblood wasn't directly watching them, it was likely he had some sort of hidden surveillance system in place.
"That would explain how he knew he could usurp the throne while we were away," Twilight said. The two dusted into the library as nonchalantly as they could. When they finally thought they were safe, they began pulling various books off the shelves. It did not take them long to make a not-so shocking realization.
"They're all about Blueblood!" Phoenix exclaimed.
"Worse! They're all WRITTEN by Blueblood!" Twilight said, holding one up. "Oh gawd… look at the publisher!"
Phoenix's expression turned to horror as he read the words underneath the author's name. "Published by… BIMFiction dot net?!"
"We're in Blueblood's fan fiction library!!"
"RUN! RUN WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!" The pair bolted out the doors, not stopping until they were on the opposite end of the mansion.
"I'm going to burn these clothes," Phoenix said, hands clasped on his knees.
"I think we should burn those books," Twilight said. "But… maybe he found something in the Canterlot Library. We can check there tomorrow morning."
Phoenix swallowed hard. "Unless… Blueblood's done something to the Canterlot Library."
The purple mare shook her head. "He wouldn't. He couldn't." The lawyer stared back her. Both of them were pale. "I'm happy Dan installed a security system on our library."
"Me too."
As they all adjourned for the night, it became evident that their agony was not over. Or at least, Dan's wasn't. Every few minutes, just as Dan got into bed, Blueblood would call for him via an intercom system.
"Mmmm… Dan? Would you bring up my spare body pillow from the washroom? I require additional comfort."
"RRrrrrrggghh…" Dan growled as he got out of bed for the third time. From the east wing, he went down several flights of stairs to the basement where the laundry room was to retrieve Blueblood's pillows. He derived a small amount of satisfaction by imagining himself smothering Blueblood with one of those pillows. But getting to the laundry room, he quickly found another problem.
"You are squeeing squeeing me," Dan said. "GOLD pillows?!!"
"They're the only thing that truly comforts me," Blueblood purred through the intercom. Dan's subsequent rage-filled screams could be heard throughout the entire mansion, without the intercom.
The human dragged the solid-gold body pillow back up the several flights of stairs, finally arriving at Blueblood's master bedroom.
"One pillow," Dan said, dropping it at the foot of the prince's bed. "Fit for a Bond-villain. I hope it breaks all your legs."
"Ohhhhh, Daaaannnnn," Blueblood purred in bed. "Fluff it for meeeeeee…"
"It's GOLD!" Dan yelled. "How do you fluff GOLD?!"
The prince stretched and pointed to an arc welding station that occupied one corner for reasons Dan could only guess. "GRAAAAARRRRRRAAAUGH!!!" he raged so loud it broke several of the intercom speakers in Blueblood's room. Finally, he lowered his fists again and panted. "Would you like me to fluff you when I'm done, your highness?!"
"No, just the royal body pillow, thank you."
"Of course," Dan said, grinning angrily. "I'd be HAPPY to."
Fortunately, that turned out to be Blueblood's last request for the night. Whether it was because the intercom system was shorted out by Dan's screams or not, none of them knew. Despite the fact they were still stuck in Blueblood manor, they were able to sleep relatively comfortably.
The next morning, Dan and company had some time to get dressed before Blueblood had need of them. "Did you guys find anything last night? Make any progress?" Dan asked.
"No… none that bears repeating," Phoenix said.
"We might try the Canterlot Library if you can distract him again today," Twilight said, then added, "if it's still standing."
"There will be something," Dan said, assuringly. "If we have to organize a rebellion ourselves, we'll take our kingdom back."
They all nodded in agreement.
In the master bedroom once again, Dan provided Blueblood breakfast in bed.
"Dan?"
"Yessssss…" the human hissed through gritted teeth.
"I said egg-whites only," Blueblood held up his solid-godl tray.
Dan slowly turned around. "You're having WAFFLES!"
Blueblood nodded. "I know."
"ERRRRGGGGHHHH" Dan growled when suddenly, Blueblood's cellphone rang.
The prince yelped a little. "Uh-um, could you ha-"
"It's okay," Dan said preemptively, "I got it."
"No- Dan! Please, don't!" he said, reaching out for it.
But it was too late. Dan had already grabbed it. "You want me to screen it?"
"Just give it here!"
"Okay, I'll let it go to message," Dan said, holding onto the phone. It continued to ring.
"Dan!!" Blueblood yelled, struggling but the weight of the solid gold tray pinned him on the bed. Made of the same material as his personal Magic Gear, he couldn't levitate it off himself. He was now beginning to regret making that deal. With every ring, he felt his empire collapsing.
Finally, the phone beeped and began to speak. "Princess Blueblood, this is Sky Marshal Gust Grasp of the Griffon Coalition. You said that we might be facing your Magic Gear and that damage to our cruisers would be 'light or negligible.' Instead, my flotilla was ambushed by a surface-to-air missile battery you neglected to tell us about, extensive air support and I've lost SEVEN CRUISERS!!"
The phone tight in his grip, a perplexed look on his face, Dan slowly turned to Blueblood. "Seven… cruisers?" The pieces were beginning to fit together.
"This constitutes an act of WAR against the United Griffon Coalition. But because of our 'negotiations', I have decided to forgive this grievous insult in exchange for triple the amount agreed upon in our deal."
"Triple?!" Blueblood blurted, "Absurd!"
Dan cast him a glare of pure hatred.
"I am dispatching the rest of our expeditionary fleet to Ponyville at this time to collect the rest of our fee, from the townsfolk if necessary. If we encounter any more unforetold resistance, we will bomb your cities. Do not double cross the Griffon Coalition again or we will find you. Marshal Grasp out." The message abruptly cut off with a sharp burst of static.
Blueblood, lips trembling, looked up from the phone to the human holding it. Dan was staring daggers at him. "Now… I-I c-can explain."
"EXPLAIN!" Dan shouted. "Yes, you can EXPLAIN. And you WILL explain to EVERYPONY WHY YOU BETRAYED THEM!!"
Swallowing, the prince mustered up as much courage as he could. "You… you have no proof."
Dan held up the phone. "Oh, I think this is all the proof I need, don't you? I'm sure everybody will understand after they hear this."
The prince tried to wrest it from the human's grasp but the phone was also made of the same material as the Magic Gear. It's gold-chromium arcicite composite meant it resisted all forms of magic. And he was still trapped underneath his breakfast. "Th-that was a prank call!" he stammered. "No matter what you say, I'll deny it!"
"Oh but I think it implicated you enough," Dan said, nodding confidently. "Those flying galleons that attacked the town yesterday, you hired them to show up, didn't you?"
Sweating, the prince shook his head. "You know nothing."
"That was your plan, wasn't it?" Dan asked. "Hire some mercs to hit the town, blow stuff up, then you swoop in with your fancy robot and save the day? Everybody loves you and you're a big hero and then everyone lets you do what you want. Is that it? Stop me if I'm too right."
Blueblood scowled. "You know nothing!" he repeated angrily. "Get this tray off of me! I won't stand for these accusations."
Dan tapped the golden phone to his chin. "No… you won't. You'll sit right there," he said, and walked off. A few moments later, Blueblood heard the message replay from down the hall followed by shouts from Dan's friends. He swallowed hard. A minute later, Dan returned with Phoenix Wright.
"I really don't think I could've summoned more incriminating evidence. Good job, Dan."
"Back at ya, Nicky. So, is this it? Can we impeach him?"
"I think it's pretty open-and-shut," Phoenix said. He walked over to where Blueblood lay pinned and stood at his bedside. "But I want to know why first."
"Please," Blueblood scowled. "You two plebeians have nothing. I shouldn't waste my royal breath discussing it with you."
"Oh, I think you should," Phoenix said, reaching into his pocket. "Because I don't think any pony's going to be summoning a lawyer for your defense." (At least, I really hope not.)
"Whatever you think about me, it's false. You have don't have evidence of anything."
"I think we've got enough," Phoenix said, "to implicate you in something quite nasty at the very least. But I want to know the truth. Why did you hire this attack on Ponyville?"
Some sort of slam, like the bang of a gavel rang out. Suddenly, everything faded to black. The bed, the bedroom, everything disappeared into a black screen except for Prince Blueblood. Several chains stretched over the prince, barring him in place. They stretched out into the blackness creating a strange pattern in front of him that looked like a pyramid. In the center, several locks appeared and clasped into place, locking the chains together. Of course, only Phoenix was seeing any of this.
(Great. Could've seen this coming. Oh gawd… even the chains binding his psyche-locks are gold. Eww. And the locks look like they're made of glittery plastic. Hopefully, this means they'll break easier.)
Psyche-locks, the perceived representations of a mind's desire to keep the truth hidden were something Phoenix Wright had a lot of experience with. Phoenix was only able to see them through the magic power of his magatama, an ancient Japanese artifact given to him by his friend Maya Fey. With it, he was able to perceive the psychic manifestations of deception and make progress to unraveling the truth when talking to someone. He'd used it many times in his career on Earth when trying to find out the facts behind a court case. Like humans, ponies were not immune to trying to obfuscate the path to hide the truth.
Blueblood had three psyche-locks. And Phoenix knew what he had to do to break them.
(I hope for your sake a lot of ponies are wrong about you.) "I think I might be. But I also think I'm right about you in a few ways."
The prince scoffed. "Oh please, neanderthal. You're not even beneath the class that's beneath the class that's beneath the class to the class I'm above."
(I'm not even going to try to follow that one.) "Well, your majesty, I don't have to be in the same class as you to know something about you."
"Ah-ha-ha-ha, really, now?" Blueblood chuckled. "And what exactly is it you know about me?"
"Something you don't even know about yourself."
Blueblood's face had a quizzical look on it. Phoenix smiled.
"TAKE THAT!"
"Oh… you went to my library? Saw anything you liked?"
(Not unless I wanted to induce vomiting.) "I saw the books you wrote. Fan fiction all about one pony in particular. You."
"Ah-ha-ha, but of course. Who else would I write about? I'm self-absorbed and everypony knows it. It's how I like it."
Phoenix shook his head. "I'm not so sure. I don't think you want to be seen as selfish or self-absorbed. Because in these books, these dozens of volumes of fan fiction, you portray yourself as somepony that's liked."
"I…"
"You portray yourself as a hero."
The first lock shattered into glittery shards and disappeared. Blueblood's look turned to harmed disgust. "It was ever since that Gala… when Rarity showed up. Every other mare there, they all knew exactly how I was but she…" he turned away. "She saw something in me that wasn't there. She didn't see me as some stuck-up snob, another lout, not at first. But that's how all the Canterlot elite are. All of us. So, I chose to educate her."
"I heard about that. The Grand Galloping Gala at Canterlot Castle. You were on a date with Rarity and deliberately acted snooty so she'd know about you?"
"I did," Blueblood said sternly. "She needed to know about me, had to know about me. Why she deserves better than me."
"That's interesting. And a little deep," Phoenix remarked. "You may appear vain and most of it might be genuine. There's another side to you but rather than showing it, you'd rather keep it hidden. Instead of trying to change, you keep showing people the same side of you hoping that one might like you for who you are. But maybe somepony would like you if gave them a reason to. The only way things will improve is if you try to make them better."
"Pffft," Blueblood scoffed. "Nothing will change. Nothing changes in this pathetic little burg. This kingdom is too small. We have almost no resources, nearly nothing of value and for some reason, almost every pony's perfectly happy with it. Naturally, the rest of the world is jealous and hates us, just like they do me and I'm fine with that. The only allies that don't hate us are the Saddle Arabians and the zebras invaded them. That's why Auntie Tia and Auntie Lulu have gone to help them. I don't think it worked out for them…" he said, sounded momentarily concerned. He then quickly shook it off. "The point is, the whole world hates Equestria and every pony hates me and I'm… perfectly fine with that."
"Hmm," Phoenix said, scratching his chin. "You know, I really don't think you are."
Blueblood sighed heavily. "I'm living in total opulence, the lap of luxury. Really, the most hated nation should be ruled by the most hated pony, don't you agree?"
Phoenix shook his head. "I don't think Equestria's the most hated nation. And I don't think you're the most hated pony."
"Really?" Blueblood asked, voice now disdainful. He sighed again, "And why is that?"
"I'll tell you why." "TAKE THAT!"
The prince stared in disbelief at the photo Phoenix held up in front of him. "You? But all of you hate me. What is this nonsense?"
"It's us," Phoenix said, holding up the group photo. "And we tolerated you. We put up with all of your requests and even tried to please you, tried to get along with you. Not because we like you but because we want to like you. We want you to be a heroic pony, a good ruler like your aunts. We want to like you, Blueblood. We don't hate you."
"I do," Dan said.
"Dan-"
"To be fair, I hate everybody. Even the people I like, I also hate and/or have things about them that I hate. Except… maybe my close friends," Dan said, thinking. He thought of Chrys for some reason and the idea of him hating her, even disliking her was appalling. He couldn't dislike Chrys; he had to like her for some reason. In fact, like was an understatement. He really, really liked her a lot. It was actually difficult for him to stop thinking about her and get back on the matter at hand. "Close… friends…" he repeated the words as if they both now had new meaning to him.
"You all right, Dan?"
"Yeah, yeah," he said, nodding. "Anyway, you're a douche and now you're getting impeached."
"Dethroned."
"What?"
Blueblood sighed again. "Dethrone, you rube. One does not impeach one's monarch. The throne is not some office any commoner can just be voted into; it is a station one must be chosen to ascend to. Every pony in the royal family is specifically groomed for this position from birth. That's why I'm the way I am… I was made this way," he said, sounding like he actually lamented that fact.
"Maybe you were," Phoenix said. "And maybe, this is your chance to remake yourself. All the buildings, all the changes, it's all just an attempt to get people to like you so that then maybe you can actually be something more than just the spoiled rich colt."
The trapped prince frowned at him. "And what proof do you have of that?"
"TAKE THAT!" Phoenix held up Blueblood's gold cell phone.
"You tried to pull off a stunt to make it look like you were a hero. Like Dan suggested, you engineered a scheme that would change the way ponies thought about you. If you'd been successful and fought off those griffon galleons, ponies would've looked up to you and thought you were chivalrous, valorous, a great leader. Like you want them to see you," Phoenix said.
Blueblood's jaw dropped. The second lock shattered.
"Ha!" Dan folded his arms across his chest. "So, I was right."
"Not quite," Phoenix said.
"How not quite?"
"You were partially right: Blueblood hired the griffons to attack Equestria to make himself look like a hero. But not because he wanted to trick everypony into thinking he was a hero- he did it because he actually wanted to be one."
They were all quiet for a moment. A single, shining tear rolled down the white stallion's cheek.
"You wanted to be a hero, didn't you?" Phoenix asked. "Why is that, Blueblood? Please. Tell us why."
The final lock broke. The golden chains unraveled and disappeared. Color returned to the room and suddenly, Dan and Phoenix were standing in front of Blueblood's bed once again.
The prince's mouth worked for a moment but no words came out. Finally, he spoke. When his words came out, they sounded like he was crying. "You left us. All of you, you all left us alone… alone in the castle. We… we didn't know what to do. The guards were gone, and then you and Twilight left and then her friends left…" Blueblood sobbed. He cried into his breakfast.
"Celestia and Luna left to help the Saddle Arabians," Phoenix said, remembering the news broadcast. "We haven't heard from them since. We should've known-"
"That something like this would've happened!" Blueblood yelled. "All of you were GONE! What if something horrible happened and you weren't around to do something about it?! You didn't even leave a note!"
"Hey!" Dan pointed at him, "I just met you YESTERDAY, pal. We don't have to tell you squee. Besides, we figured the mayor would handle everything in Ponyville."
Blueblood sniffled. "In Ponyville, maybe…"
Phoenix leaned down. "I think you're more upset about your aunts, aren't you?"
The stallion reached behind him and grabbed his pillow. He cried into it. "They… they never left us alone before. Not like this. I was afraid, alone and then… and then…"
The lawyer leaned closer. "And then?"
Blueblood looked up at him. "Vice Grip. He… he told us that they were never coming back. He said everything was changing and that we would see the dawn of a new Equestria soon: an Equestria without magic. He dropped off the golden Magic Gear and said I should have fun with it while I could. So I did, I guess. But then, I started thinking. What if I broke Equestria? What if I made things so bad, auntie… auntie would have to come back and fix it?"
"You seriously couldn't wait until we got back?" Dan asked. "We were seriously gone like, a week. I mean, Cloudsdale blew up and I guess Canterlot's kinda falling apart without the guards and servants but Ponyville's fine. Except for all the crap you built."
"You tried to make things bad in Equestria so Celestia and Luna would return?"
He nodded. "That was the point of all the buildings, all the changes. But then, the griffons really did show up and… I was too afraid to fight them. So, I let you take care of them. I guess it wasn't all of them, though."
"Apparently not," Phoenix said, standing up. "Which means, we're going to have to deal with that now. On behalf of myself and Dan though, you can consider yourself under house arrest until we sort things out with the griffons."
"Hahaha," Dan chuckled, grinning. "This means Equestria is out from under your rule at last! You can kiss any pull you had over this place good-bye, Bloomers!"
Blueblood buried his face into the pillow again, crying.
"Dan, seriously, I know he pretty much tortured us but let's go easy on him."
Dan stared blankly at Phoenix for a moment. "I want you to think about what you just said for a moment."
"Look, Dan, that's over now. He's not in charge any more and confined to his house. Look at him," Phoenix said, gesturing towards the helpless Blueblood. "He's not going anywhere."
The shorter human glared at the stallion for a long moment. Despite everything he'd been made to endure, Dan couldn't put himself to doing any more to him. "Fine," he said, throwing the golden phone back at the prince. "You ever try to usurp power again, here or ANYWHERE, heck if you even cut in LINE, I'll be there." He stormed out of the doorway before he changed his mind and slugged him.
After he was gone, Phoenix knelt over Blueblood again and shoved the tray off his legs. "Dan might be a bit rough around the edges but he's a good guy. And he's right, Blueblood. You're getting off really easy considering you pretty much betrayed your entire country."
The prince sighed, sniffling. "I thought maybe things could change for the better. But I couldn't stand up to the griffons. I'm too much of a stuck-up snob to be a hero. So, I thought I could get Auntie Tia to come back… but then they didn't come back. At least, I got you to return. You all… you're the heroes. You'll make things right."
Phoenix put a hand on his shoulder. "You might be snob, Blueblood but even you can be a hero. You were in charge of Equestria for the better part of a week while we were gone. You could've done a lot better but I guess you could've done a lot worse, too."
The prince scoffed again. "I don't see how."
"Even if you're an elitist prick, you can still do the right thing, Blueblood. You could be a hero if you try," Phoenix said, holding up the phone to him. "You could start by calling Gust Grasp and trying to stall them."
"Stall them?"
"Keep them talking, try to negotiate. You were the one who called them originally so maybe if you can explain to them, just maybe, you can turn things around," Phoenix said. "We're going to try to intercept them in Ponyville. We'll do our best to negotiate with them, get them to leave without violence but at the very least, you might be able to slow them down until we can talk to them."
Blueblood looked up at Phoenix. For the first time, it looked as if he was genuinely concerned for someone other than himself. "And if you can't?"
Phoenix shrugged, heading for the door. "Then I'm happy I have a friend like Dan right now. Stay in your mansion, lock the doors and windows and try not to draw attention to yourself."
Twilight ducked her head in the door. "Phoenix! We have to get going now!"
"The griffons are here already?"
She nodded. "It's worse than we thought. We have to go-now!"
"All right, I'm right behind you!" The two bolted out the door. A few moments later, the doors to his mansion opened and shut and he was left in silence.
And just like that, Blueblood was alone again. He curled up in his bed, thinking about what he could do. He picked up the cell phone and dialed Gust Grasp's number. The griffon did not answer. He redialed it. Again, the griffon did not answer. So he kept dialing. Again and again and again.
Outside, the ground began to rumble. Giant shadows began to stretch over the land, blotting out the sun. Dozens of them, hundreds of hulks and shapes that dared challenge the size and number of clouds began to occupy the skies over Canterlot and headed toward Ponyville. The griffon fleet had arrived. The invasion of Equestria had begun.
A massive collection of mismatched makeshift airships UGC(United Griffon Coalition) First Expeditionary Armada Sky Marshal Gust Grasp commanding
UGC 1st Expeditionary Armada, skies over Equestria UGC Flagship U Mad Bro en route to Ponyville
Sky Marshal Gust Grasp strode confidently through the doors to the bridge of his flagship. He grinned as he saw Commander Horizon, his tactical analyst make a show of brushing off his command chair. The two met halfway to the chair, she kissed him on the cheek and he stroked her feathers as they passed. He knew she would be waiting for him in his loft after the battle, ready to relieve his stress and go over the details with him.
Gust was a griffon with golden-yellow body feathers and the traditional white feathers on his head. Gold, the color as well as the substance itself, were markings of high status in griffon society but the most important markings of Gust's status were his clothes. He wore a dark green officer's uniform, the uniform specially tailored to him as Sky Marshal of the UGC's air forces. The bars and medals pinned on its breast, the patches and tassels on its shoulders, all of it militarily-unprecise and off-center as he wore the outfit open at the chest. His air force cap and traditional aviators were also cockeyed, further emphasizing the fact that Sky Marshal Gust Grasp was nothing more than a particularly talented and cunning criminal masquerading as an officer.
Except it wasn't a masquerade. His rank was very much real in the UGC. This was no self-delusion he created for himself; it was the government he worked for, the country that raised him. It was their deception and always had been- Gust Grasp had just happily gone along with it.
As he took his chair, he saw other couples in the stations around him, all griffons. Ensign "JC" Jumper Cable sat at the navigations console with Technician Gully in his lap. Technician Gully was a greenish griffon with a toucan-like beak but she wasn't stationed aboard the U Mad Bro; she was one of the techies on the First Armada's fighter carrier, the All of My Yes . Gust Grasp had to admire JC's choice of mate. The two were smiling, locked in each others' eyes with his claws on her hips, playing with her tail. He was clearly paying more attention to her than he was the console that monitored the ship's course.
"Jay."
"Yeah, Gust?" the navigator asked, still wholly in the embrace of his lover.
Marshal grasped smiled. "Make sure Miss Gully is back aboard the All of My Yes when we're ready to deploy the attack wing."
"Heheheh, aye Sky Marshal, aye."
Gust sat back, letting the two indulge in each others company. Companionship and romance between griffons in the UGC's military wasn't prohibited; it was encouraged and was even seen as necessary. The First Expeditionary Armada had been away from the griffon's capital, the hanging city of Verticia, for almost a year and a half now. Morale was just as an important resource as any other supply in the fleet and Gust Grasp knew that. Promoting these relationships ensured that his crew didn't become underperform in battle… or grow homesick too quickly.
The First Expeditionary Armada was a large and important-sounding name for something very simple: government-endorsed raiding. Similarly, the Zebra Kingdom had a dedicated "independent roving battalion" and the mountain goats had their advance scout legion, both of which were the analogues of Sky Marshal Gust Grasp's fleet. Officially, they were forces designed to protect the interests of their respective nations and explore for new resources and new territories. In reality, they were all, like Marshal Gust's fleet, raiders and pirates that had the full endorsement of their governments, not even able to be called privateers because they were directly linked to the administrations through the chain of command.
"Shrike-one reporting in, sir," his comm officer said. "Airspace over Ponyville is clear. No sign of Cloudsdale or any CAP."
Gust leaned forward. "Air defense? SAM sites? Triple-A?"
The comm officer relayed the sky marshal's inquiry. A moment later she said, "None that he can detect, sir."
"Tell him to put half his group on the ground, stir up the nest. Deploy Panther and Leopard squadrons to do the same; I want that town covered top to bottom."
"Aye, sky marshal."
For the past year and a half, the sky marshal's fleet had been pillaging and raiding small towns in Saddle Arabia, one of Equestria's few allies. Equestria itself was more vigilant than its neighbors and kept its borders quite secure, mostly thanks to volunteers and ponies that lived on the border itself. The goal of the armada, as ordered by the king of the griffons himself, was to steal as much as it could from the UGC's rival nations and send it back to the capital so the griffons there could live in ever-exceeding luxury and extravagance. His fleet wasn't permitted to return until he'd stolen enough to satisfy the royals, which was, in scientific terms, "a whole heaping metric shitton." Of course, "shitton" wasn't a real unit of measure; he understood that the king had simply meant a lot.
And a lot was what he hoped to get when finally sacking Equestria. The griffons as a species were mostly greedy and treasure-obsessed: they loved shiny objects and often stole from those around them, including family members. It made them ideal mercenaries, raiders or pirates, not a military fighting force. But Sky Marshal Gust Grasp knew his fleet and knew his griffons, more so, he knew what other beings thought of them. He knew that the inherent treasure-lust of his species could be used as a powerful incentive if properly motivated.
He could manipulate these stereotypes to his advantage. The ability to play to his fleet's strengths and compensate for their weaknesses made him a capable military leader. He and his crew, the ships in his fleet and their crews, they were all pirates. Sky Marshal Gust Grasp knew how to use them to hurt the enemy, to enforce the UGC's goals and to plunder everything in sight. That made him a pirate commander. His entire armada maybe a mismatched collection of various ships and whatever could fly, most of them stolen and every griffon might've been a merciless their. But he had earned the title of Sky Marshal because he could use them as a fighting force. Gust Grasp got results.
Unfortunately, it wasn't all because he wanted to: it was partly, even mostly because he had to. Because the king expected results.
"We're entering Equestrian airspace!" the helmsman announced.
"Down periscope." Above the captain's chair, the periscope descended so that it was level with Gust's eyes. He leaned forward in his chair, gripping it with both claws and gazed at their target. Ponyville lay directly ahead of them in the center of rolling fields of farmland. Amber waves of grain, green and a myriad of different crops blanketed the surface. The town truly was the heart of Equestria, the breadbasket responsible for almost eighty-percent of the nation's food. Taking it would break the ponies just as badly as if they took the sun or the moon. They would simply not recover.
But Ponyville looked different from the intel reports Gust had seen. He'd never been to Equestria himself but was fairly certain the gaudy-looking skyscrapers weren't business as usual. They looked incredibly out of place jutting out of the small town, like jewelry or piercings awkwardly stabbed into the landscape. He did his best to evaluate as much as he could from the viewfinder. Some sort of missile defense and a combat air patrol had brought down seven of his galleons in a previous engagement, his advance force. This time, there would be no mistakes.
"Sir, all squads reporting," the comm officer said. "There's been no response from defense of any kind. Locals have apparently barricaded themselves indoors- only a few are on the streets. Resistance is null."
"Heh heh heh, good," Gust said, grinning to himself. "Send in U Wot M8 and I Don't Even to come in from port and starboard. Close the pincer around the whole town. Move Jimmy Rustler and My Face When to our flank. All Your Base, push down the center and have Insert Other Obscure Internet Reference Here cover them."
"Aye, marshal. All of My Yes is ready to deploy first wing."
"Deploy."
"Sir?" the tactical officer looked up at him. "Where should we deploy the Gears?"
"Ughhh," Gust sighed, clasping the handles of the periscope back together. "Up periscope. Bring up forward tactical display." The periscope retracted into the ceiling and an image of Ponyville appeared on the screen in front of them. "Have the Forever Alone and the Pauly Shore cover them to our rear. After we've secured Ponyville, they can carry anything the tankers don't have room for."
"Yes, sir. Relaying orders."
Gust leaned back again, sinking into the back of his chair. Vice Grip had given him three of his griffon "Magic Gears" as part of their alliance, the newest additions to his fleet. He still didn't have a place for them and didn't know if he ever would. They were pirates, not conquerers. What good was a weapon that destroyed an entire city? That would mean destroying loot, destroying potential prisoners and slaves, eliminating any possibility of plunder. Even as an intimidation weapon, they weren't effective because the rest of his fleet was already powerful and threatening enough. The only good thing he could use them for was as glorified forklifts that could carry things his other ships couldn't.
Ships were valuable to a pirate fleet, in many ways, much more than any single treasure. They could carry plunder and supplies, spare parts, fuel, food, ammo, medicine and anything else they needed in a mobile source. They provided shelter for his griffons and allowed them to stage attacks while staying on the move so they were very valuable. They gave him options. Losing any one of them, much less seven, changed the way Gust Grasp had to think about his fleet, limited what he could and couldn't do.
He glared at Ponyville. Seven light cruisers. The Epic Fail, Nope Train, Cool Story Bro, True Story, Mind=Blown, Mods Are Asleep and the lead ship of the advance forces, the I See What You Did There had all been destroyed with all crew lost. This was an insult he would not let go unpunished.
His tactical officer looked up at him again. "All ships in position, sir."
"Patch me in." The comm officer hit two switched, waited a moment and then gave him a nod. Gust Grasp stood up picked up an old-style radio studio microphone that was sitting on the arm of his chair. "Well, well my little birdies… what do we have here?" he asked rhetorically. "Where have we migrated to this time?"
The entire bridge spun around in their seats to give him full attention. Gust's speeches always started out the same; it was his tradition to make an announcement right before an attack. It had the added effect of making sure all the griffons knew what the goal was as well, so there was a reason for the charade. All throughout the fleet, griffons momentarily stopped their tasks to listen to their leader.
Gust grinned. "You guys, you know, you take me to the nicest places, don't you?" The bridge crew chuckled. "And this is a first, isn't it? We're the first griffons every to soar over Equestria. Isn't that something?" There was more laughter, a few agreed and more than a couple who had drinks at their station raised their beverages to toast him.
But Sky Marshal Gust decided to take a knee at that moment. His voice became more serious. "Now, you guys, I want you to know how important this is. This is Ponyville. It's never been sacked, it's never been attacked, and ponies here don't even worry about the weather and that's a fact. Why, they've been livin' in the lap of luxury right here since as far back as anyone cares to remember. They haven't had to worry about ANYTHING. Isn't that just a cryin' shame?"
"Ain't gonna see me sheddin' no tears, Gusto!"
"Hahaha, right, right. But what I'm saying is, these ponies have never really experienced a disaster before. Unlike every other happy little kingdom, these guys don't know what it's like to get raided, to be hit by a big storm, to have to really start over. Amirite?"
"Yeah!!"
Gust stood. "Let's show them what it's REALLY like to tango with mother nature! Let's show them what it's REALLY like to live in poverty and fear! Let's hit the reset button on their whole bucking kingdom and show 'em there's nothing they have that we can't take!!"
"There's nothing we can't Grasp!!" the crew shouted unanimously. They all cheered.
He sat back down, happy with himself. The festivities had just begun. It was time to do what he always did when ordering an attack: fallback to a safe position and watch. "Tactical, engage cloak. Helm, bring us to one-point-five outside Ponyville's range and I want updates on a regular basis. Tell the Yes the attack is hers."
"Aye, marshal."
Technician Gully gave Jumper a kiss and finally got up from his lap. She would be back aboard her ship soon.
"The fleet is in position, sir. All of My Yes awaiting the word."
Gust kicked his legs back and sat up. "Engage and indulge, guys. Play nice."
Dan burst through the doors of Blueblood's mansion. He looked up and immediately realized the shadow he was standing it wasn't the shadow of any building.
"Okay… that's a bit bigger than a galleon."
The entire griffon fleet hovered just a few hundred feet above them. The first flotilla had been seven wooden galleons, now they were looking at several hundred ships in about every variety imaginable, both those that usually sailed on waves and a crap ton stolen from Final Fantasy. Ships passed over them by the dozens- wooden sailing ships, steel freighters, tankers and container ships, blimps and dirigibles, two Cylon Basestars, a bunch of Minbari ships, the Beatles' yellow submarine and an airplane named Jefferson followed closely by a starship also named Jefferson. There was another starship just called Starship that followed close behind those two but they didn't really like each other that much. They all swarmed towards Ponyville.
"There's… there's hundreds of them!" Phoenix yelled, swallowing. "How the heck are those things even flying?"
"The Griffon's nation is composed of pillars in the north-eastern sea. They use ships that can both fly and sail if necessary. Most of their vessels and technology are stolen though, even the stuff they used to steal other stuff," Twilight explained.
Chrys swallowed. "Maybe… maybe they're just gonna pass over Ponyville and keep heading south?" The group eyed quizzically at her suggestion. "What? It could happen. They could be ALL here to visit."
"Oh sure," Dan rolled his eyes. "They're probably all here to see the famous solid-gold outhouse. Unfortunately, it's gonna be the first thing we demolish after we shoot down this discount flying circus we have overhead. Let's go!"
"How are we going to get back to Ponyville?" Twilight asked.
"Blueblood's… errr, MY chariot!" Dan declared. "We just take off all the gold crap, maybe sanitize it and-"
"But Dan, you shorted out the battery, remember?"
"Arrrrrghh… you're right. It was worth breaking it with Blueblood's face," Dan said, remembering. "Even if it was just his bodyguard."
"How can we beat the fleet to Ponyville?" Phoenix asked, still cautiously keeping an eye on the sky. "I'm guessing airship is out of the question. They'd probably shoot us down before we got off the ground."
"We could use the emergency zip line," Shining suggested.
"EMERGENCY zip line?" Dan asked. "And I wasn't told about this because?"
"Blueblood just had it installed yesterday," Cadence said. "He had a lot installed yesterday… and he made us make a list."
"I burned that list," Shining said, shuddering.
"But we remembered the zip line," Cadence said. "It's at the ski lodge on the outskirts of town! Let's get going!" They all bolted down the street, racing the shadows to Ponyville.
UGC First Expeditionary Armada Flagship U Mad Bro
Information poured into the bridge from multiple subordinates- Gust Grasp only listened to about half of it. Some were from the griffons that were already looting Ponyville, others were updates from the ships as they positioned themselves. The sky marshal kept his eyes focused on the forward viewport, the visual display of Ponyville in front of him. He leaned forward, claws clasped one on top of the other.
"Anything?"
"No power readings, sir," his sensor officer reported, looking over his screen. "Wait! Wait, I have a faint transponder signal."
"Identify it."
The officer looked closer at his screen, adjusting his glasses. "Red-fountain, blue-lines, green-triangle."
"Heh," Gust rubbed his beak, "they called in the border patrol. Good ole' Rogue Squadron, last line o' defense. Inform our squadrons they might have some new playmates soon and tell our ships to ready the Trouble Bags."
"The… the Trouble Bags, sir?" The sensor officer looked over his shoulder to confirm the order. Gust gave him a single nod. "Relaying…"
"They're not the only ones with surprises, it's time they learned that," Gust said, sitting back again.
"Hahaha! I can't believe this!"
"What?" Twilight asked, voice loud as the wind whipped by them. "You can't believe we could actually take a zip line back to Ponyville?"
"No!" Dan yelled. "I can't believe Blueblood actually built something I approve of!"
"Haha, yeah!" Spike said, agreeing. They all agreed: this was finally something Blueblood did that didn't make them want to kill him for. All things considered, it was a huge improvement.
With Dan in the lead, they all held onto their own zip line handles as the cable carried them back to their hometown. Cliffs, rocks and the tops of trees passed underneath their dangling legs while the menacing air fleet steamed above them. The massive chord apparently led from one of Blueblood's ski lodges at the base of Canterlot all the way down to Ponyville. While it was only one-way due to gravity, it still carried them far faster than any other mode of transportation, rivaling even that of pegasi flight.
Dan looked up as they made it into the outskirts of town. "We did it! We're gonna beat the lead ships home!"
"Not the griffons themselves, though," Phoenix remarked. They were now almost level with the rooftops of Ponyville, the zip line leading them over the main street. There were groups of griffons patrolling above them and looting buildings in town. None of the invading chimera-like birds paid much attention to Dan and the others, though; they were too busy looking for things to steal.
"Oh no," Chrys said, her eyes going wide.
"What?" Dan asked, spinning around playfully.
"I just… I just…"
"What?!" they all looked at her.
"Um… what is the end of this zip line attached to?"
Dan spun around again. "OUTHOUSE!!!!!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" The group screamed but there was no avoiding it. They all smashed one after the other into Blueblood's solid-gold outhouse. The combined weight and force of the impact caused the outhouse to fall over completely, shake the foundation of the ridiculous platform it was on and cause it all to come crashing down in a pile of rubble.
Dan clawed his way out of the debris. "I take it back. We're going to kill him again… first the griffons, then Blueblood."
"One less thing to demolish," Blast Powder remarked.
As the group crawled out from the ruined rest stop, a bunch of griffons stopped for a group picture.
"Haha, hey Gabber, get one with us and the locals."
"Heheheh, great idea." The trio of birds stood up shoulder to shoulder and snapped a photo of themselves with the debris-covered Dan and friends recovering behind them. "I got it!" the one said.
"Huh… that's odd," the one with the phone said, looking at the picture. In it, there seemed to be someone behind them reaching his hands around their necks.
"What is?"
"I think we got photobo-AAUUUUGHHLLL"
"Welcome to Ponyville!" Dan said to his three captives. Truly, the human was an expert at strangling. He grabbed the two on the outside by the neck and smashed them against the third one in the middle, choking them with his hands and using their own heads to choke the third. Physical violence was an art to Dan. "Where we're always willing to stick our NECKS out for each other!"
"Uh, Dan?" Twilight tapped his shoulder.
"What?! Oh…" Looking up, the human quickly saw several other griffons vectoring towards them. He quickly tossed his three prisoners to the ground and started running with Twilight and the others. "You guys get off easy! Tell your friends to get lost!"
"We're gonna get to the house and lockdown everything!" Dan yelled as they all ran.
"What if they already looted the house?" Chrys asked.
"Hey, that's one of the things we have going for us!" Dan called out. "Even these guys probably aren't stupid enough to rob a library!"
"Is there anything valuable in there?" Phoenix asked. "Records, documents, money?"
"Nah," Dan said. "Just those Elements of Harmony things."
Suddenly, Twilight raced by them in a full gallop. "RUNFASTERRUNFASTERRUNFASTERRUNFASTERRUNFASTER!!"
Twilight teleported Dan and company through the walls of the Golden Oakes Library. None of them, not even Twilight knew if she was capable of teleporting such a large group even such a short distance- until now. Unfortunately, the haste of the maneuver landed her friends and her in a pile on the living room floor.
"Okay… I think we're going to have to make a few adjustments to Emergency Defense Plan three-cee," Dan remarked, getting off the floor.
"I vote that the plans don't involve zip lines," Phoenix said.
"AYE!" the group unanimously agreed.
But Twilight was already busy searching for the Elements. "I can't find them!! Where did we put them?! Were they already here- did they get stolen?!"
Dan rubbed his head as he got up. "That steamer trunk, the one with all the gold on it, that was the Elements of Harmony, right?"
"YES!!" they yelled at him.
He thought for a moment. "Ah, utility closet down the hall on the right."
"Closet!!" Twilight yelled. The purple mare darted out the living room and down the hallway. She ripped open the first door on the right she came across. Several brooms were inside but no Elements. In fact, the closet wasn't even large enough for the chest they were stored in. "NO!!" she yelled.
"Utility closet, Twilight!" Dan called. "That's the broom closet. Further down."
"AAAHHGG!" she yelled, bolting down the hall again. She passed the doors she knew to be the hangar, already knowing what was in there. Full-gallop, Twilight tore open the door to the other closet. "AAHHHHGGG!!!"
"Vacuum closet!"
"Why do we have two different closets from brooms and vacuums?! They do the same thing!"
"Vacuums are for power, brooms are for reach, Twilight!" Dan's knowing voice called her again.
"Rrrrrggg!" She ran down the hall yet again and reached the final door. Opening it, she was immediately relieved to see a large bejeweled chest. "Ahhh… finally." Using her magic, she lifted open the lind. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
"What?" "What?" "What?!" "Thpp?!" "What?!" The gang popped up from behind her and asked.
She spun around. "THEY'RE GOOOOONNNNEE!!!"
"What?!" the group gasped in horror as she showed them the empty box.
Dan's eyes went wide. "OH crap! They stole the Elemons of Germany!"
"Dan!" Chrys yelled. "They're the Elements of HARMONY!"
"Yeah, those things, that's what I meant! THEY STOLE THEM!"
"Wait!" Phoenix held up his hands, "the security system didn't go off! Didn't we arm it before we left?"
"You're right!" Dan said, thinking back. "That could only mean-"
"THE BURGLARS ARE STILL IN THE HOUSE!!!"
Like a storm, the group scrambled down the hallway again, through the house all the way to the living room. When they reached the front door again, they found the perpetrators trying to exit. Two griffons were halfway out the door when Dan and the others spotted them. The birds were wearing the Elements of Harmony like any other jewel accessories, three each. For a moment, the ten house residents and two intruders just stared wide-eyed at each other.
"Uh… hi," one of the griffons said.
More silence.
"Thppp!" Fluffle waved at him.
"So, uh… we were just leaving," the lead griffon said, opening the door to the house. He turned around and standing on the other side of the door was, somehow, Dan.
"OH! Uh… hi," the griffon said again. Trembling in fear, the chimera removed the Elements from around his neck and the tiara from his head. His friend did the same. "D-D-Did you guys want these back?"
"Yeah," Dan said cheerfully. He took all of the Elements in his hand. He then held up another one. His other hand, which he had been holding behind his back, lifted up two buckets. "So, you guys want to leave, right?"
"Y-yeah…"
"Well, I have an important question," he held up the buckets, smiling. "Which one of you wants to be extra crispy and which one of you wants to be original recipe?"
After retrieving the Elements, Twilight was too busy making sure they were all right to hear the screams of the two griffons. Dan had difficulty fitting two fully-grown griffons into two different buckets but he managed somehow. When he was done, they had three new feather pillows for the couch and two red-and-white buckets labeled "DFC" were left on the front doorstep. The buckets continued to both shiver and scream until they eventually fell over, their plucked occupants spilled out and they ran away as fast as their naked chicken legs could carry them, screaming.
"Perimeter secure!" Dan announced. "Now, how do we get back our town?"
"What about those pegasi that were with Derpy?" Cadence asked.
"Yeah, those guys that took out the cruisers from before!" Shining said. "We sure could use that firepower now."
"What about the house's security system?" Chrys asked.
"Yeah, Dan," Spike chimed in saying, "with all the stuff you've installed here, we've got all the firepower we need."
"We need to be careful no matter what we use," Phoenix said. "That fleet out there is huge. If we or Rogue Squadron just starts shooting down those ships, it could cause a lot of damage to the town when they crash."
Dan rubbed his chin. "We use both. We call in Derpy's flyboys and have them lure the buzzards to the edge of town and fry 'em with the guns on the house."
Shining's jaw dropped. "That's… the most tactically brilliant thing I've ever heard, Dan."
The human grinned at him. "The ole' bait-and-switch-and-then-blast-the-crap-out-of-'em plan. It's a classic." He pointed forward. "TO THE COMMAND CENTER!"
The first floor of the renovated Golden Oaks Library was divided into three sections: the first was the outer ring, the south-west side of which housed the living room and access to the second floor. The south-east part was the kitchen, the north-east was the hangar and the north-west was storage. From the space between the kitchen and the living room, the corridor to the inner ring could be accessed. The inner ring had two sections: north and south, the latter of which housed the control room.
"Wow… Dan, you built all this?"
"With help from the team at Pone Depot," Dan said, looking around. "Yep, those guys know how to get the job done." And apparently that job was fighting a full-scale war. Golden Oaks' command center came complete with wall-to-wall terminals and operations stations at the four corners of the room. A flatscreen T.V dominated the south wall opposite of the door and broadcasted a live feed from the mailbox outside of the house.
"Okay, Twilight, you and Chrys take the sensor station."
"On it, Dan."
"Boom Boom Sisters, weapons console."
The two mares squee-sploded into tiny animated bits that bounced around the room and then reformed at the weapons station. They contently grasped the arcade-style controls and said, "yay."
Dan turned to Shining Armor and Cadence. "Love birds, defenses."
They both looked at each other. "Defenses?"
"Shields," Dan clarified. "If something's coming at us, do your best to deflect. Maybe even bounce it back at whoever's firing at us. Use your spells to shield the whole house and the defense console to shoot down any missiles coming our way. Can you do that?"
They nodded. "I think we can do that, Dan."
"It might take us a few tries but we'll give it our all."
"Well, don't be concerned. If you make even a single mistake, we're all screwed." The couple swallowed in response and turned to their station. "That leaves communications. Spike and Fluffle, keep your ears open for any broadcasts."
"Thrmmmm." Fluffle frowned. I wanted to be on the weapons console… I have dibs on it next time.
Dan turned back to the screen. "Nicky, you're with me. We keep an eye on things and coordinate with everypony else."
"Got it, Dan. I'll make sure all the details are accounted for." (Including how much this all probably cost us.)
"Fantastic," the shorter human whipped out his cell phone. "Now, to call in the air patrol." He raised up the phone to is ear and smiled. Ordering air support might as well have been as easy as ordering a pizza.
The phone rang several times, never a good sign. The others looked over their shoulders at Dan. With every ring, Dan's smile got a little more lopsided until he was frowning.
*rrrinnng*
"Did you dial the right number?"
"There's only one number! This is the phone they gave me to contact them if we ever needed air support! WHICH WE DO RIGHT NOW!"
*rrrinnng*
"AHHUUGGH!!"
Phoenix raised his hand. "I… maybe this isn't a great time to mention this, but-"
"BUT WHAT, NICKY?!"
"I-I was just gonna say, it probably should've gone to voice mail by now."
"GRRRNNRRRR!!"
"Mmyellow?" Finally, somepony answered.
"Finally!" Dan shouted into the phone. "Who is this? Derpy? Edge? One of the other ones?"
"Uhhhh… the third one, I guess. What's up, Dan?"
"What's up?! What's UP?! Have you looked UP at all today?!! There's a fleet of flying pirate ships looting the whole town!!"
"Oh yeah, that. Looks like griffons, probably Gusty's boys. We evacuated the town already, told people to head out."
"Great, you've gone from air patrol to neighborhood watch, now can you PLEASE HELP ME GET THE BUZZARDS OFF OUR FRONT DOOR STEP?!!"
"Ehhhh… not exactly."
Dan stomped the ground in frustration. "What do you MEAN 'NOT EXACTLY'? Which one of you freaky flying forest rangers am I talking to?!"
"It's West, el capitan. Edge is kind of busy at the moment, can't really get to the phone right now. Sorry."
"What are you clowns even doing?!" Dan raged.
"I'm sorry, Dan but we can't help you guys out right now. Derpy's butt's stuck in the mailbox again."
Dan's face went blank. He was on speaker phone and with that last comment, Twilight and the rest of them looked over to him. "Wha- AGAIN?! What do you mean 'again'?! How does that even happen?!?!"
"We kind of stopped asking after the third time".
"THIRD TIME??!!!" the treehouse shook.
"It's okay, though. Edge and Big Mac are getting the dentures of life, so we'll be ready in a jiffy. Later!" The phone clicked off.
"Jiffy?! JIFFY?!! Our goose is gonna get cooked by those geese out there!"
"Those turkeys are gonna roast us like turkeys!" Chrys added.
"Other avian-related pun!" Cadence said.
Chryssy clapped her hooves. "Oooh! Good one."
"I know, right!"
Dan growled and pocketed the phone again. "Will you two PLEASE get your acts together?!"
"All right," Dan said, thinking. "We go to plan "B" then. Try to shield the house as best as we can and throw everything we've got at 'em."
Twilight turned around in her chair. "Are you sure we've got enough to throw?"
Dan grinned. "I am," he said, pulling out his other usual cell phone. He walked over to the primary console next to the Mr. Coffee and the WOPR, the one inconspicuously shaped like a an ice machine. It was disguised as an ice machine for a reason. He flipped the cellphone back and a key shot out from the side. Dan inserted it into the coin slot of the ice machine and twisted.
The treehouse began to shake, rumbling like there was an earthquake. In the center of the room, a fifth station rose up from the floor. The additional command console, complete with chairs and targeting displays like the others, locked into place but the house didn't stop shaking. In fact, it began to shake more rapidly and intensely.
"D-Dan?" Twilight asked, holding on. "Is this supposed to be happening?"
They all were holding onto whatever was nearby except for Dan. The human held only a confident smile as the Golden Oaks Library's most powerful defensive weapon came online. The lights in the command center turned red.
Outside the house, from the center of the tree, rose what looked like an observatory. The top most branches shifted as a massive armored sphere rose up on a pillar of steel. On the top of the ball and angled up towards the sky was a point, the integrated barrel of a cannon that could only be described as "the cannon."
Limitlessly Advanced Universal Ranged Energy Neutralizer TOSF(The Only Shot Fired) Tolerator-class Ion Cannon The Fist of Golden Oaks
The griffons pretty much had the run of the town at that point. They flew to and from their hovering airships carrying sags, chests and claw-fulls of loot stolen from the ponies. Gold, jewels, fabrics and clothes- Ponyville had an abundance of rich swag since Blueblood's elitists moved in. But the griffons were pirates and while they did go after the most shiny and valuable things, they weren't that picky and most stole anything that wasn't nailed down. The things that were nailed down, they marked for later when they could come back to remove the nails. So, Blueblood's actions had at the very least made Ponyville a more appealing target for the griffons.
Gust Grasp monitored all of this from the bridge of his flagship.
"All Your Base reports they've emptied out the museum!"
"The I Don't Even and the Mind=Blown are finished looting the bank!"
"Challenge Accepted and Confound These Ponies have collected everything from the art galleries!"
"Art gallery," Gust repeated, scratching the arm of his command chair. "Nick anything good?"
His comm officer turned around. "Nahh, just the usual DeviantArt commissions."
"Eh," Gust sat back. "Still might be valuable to hold onto. Even if it's just the regular pony garbage, they might pay to get it back."
The communications guy smiled. "Aye, sir!" Griffons had an innate lust for shiny objects like gems and gold. But the griffons of the First Expeditionary Armada were very, very experienced; they knew that just because something wasn't valuable to them didn't mean it wasn't valuable to others. When they were done looting, they could ransom things back to the ponies before offloading it to the black market.
"Have we gotten any sign of defenses? Any resistance whatsoever?"
"None, Sky Marshal," his sensor officer said, delighted. "Sky's clear and we've had almost no contact with the locals. The few squads that have report they're running scared into the woods."
Gust Grasp was pleased to hear that as well but it made him uneasy. Countless pirate raids had made him cautious, the loss of his vanguard even more so. He rubbed his beak, knowing he smelled a trap. But being the first pirate to pillage Ponyville was too good of an opportunity to just leave halfway. So the question was, what was the trap and how could he spring it? He knew the town had air defenses… but where were they?
"Send a couple of the fully-loaded transports to fallback positions, two squadrons each to escort. Helm, engage cloak and pull us back to the edge of town."
"Aye, Sky Marshal."
The U Mad Bro vanished into thin air once again.
Back on the ground, the griffons were happily pillaging Ponyville. They ate the ponies' food, drank Berry Punch's vintage fruit punches and stole pastries and baked goods from Sugar Cube Corner. The buildings they already robbed, they destroyed or desecrated in any number of ways, throwing bricks through the windows or graffitiing them. Ponyville was beginning to look like modern Detrot very quickly.
But none of the griffons paid much attention to the Golden Oaks Library, mostly because books held very little value to them in any form. Apart from burning, Gust Grasp's fleet knew that books were easily replaced so they couldn't be used for extortion and just about every book could be downloaded from the internet so there wasn't a point trying to sell them. So almost none of them noticed the massive ion cannon raising up from the library's roof and the few that did mistook it for an observatory.
And that was exactly how Dan had planned it.
"Dan…," Twilight turned around in her seat, "I know I haven't asked this in… well, at least a day but did you install anything new in the house?"
Dan pressed a button on the fifth control station and a periscope extended. "Yeah, we got a new toaster. This one has four bread slots and you can do bagels, too!"
"Mmmm bagels," Chrys licked her lips. She scratched her ear. "Does anybody else hear that? Sounds like the cicadas are back again."
"Not really what I was referring to," Twilight commented. "You're saying this ion cannon-thingy isn't new?"
Dan turned around and held up a blueprint. "Been here this whole time. Remember when I told you I wanted to do some remodeling?"
She levitated the schematic over to her. Apart from all the other modifications on the treehouse, in the corner was a crude drawing of the library vaporizing a Star Destroyer. Twilight then realized this was the same blueprint from episode four. "You actually installed an ion cannon on top of the treehouse?!!"
"I know, right?" Dan said gleefully. "It's crazy what they sell at Pone Depot."
"Yeah, crazy."
The human turned back to the periscope. "All right, now let's see what's out there." There were hundreds of griffon ships in various sizes at various altitudes. The larger ones were metal, a few of them resembled trains instead of boats. One of them looked like a giant inner tube with four pool cues stuck through its sides from bow to stern. A few others resembled the galleons seen before and even one was actually the Team Plasma Frigate from Pokemon: Black 2 and White 2. Colress probably loaned it to the griffons to test their ideals versus Dan's or some other BS. "Ah, there's a nice looking one," Dan said, selecting a target. "Full-power to the ion cannon!!"
Alarm klaxons blared. An automated female voice announced, "Warning: all safeties disengaged. Ion defenses online."
Dan grinned. "Let's say hello to the guests."
"Thppppppppp-p!" Fluffle Puff slid up next to him. "Thbb-thpp! Thbb-thpp!" I wanna shoot it! I wanna shoot it!
"Haha, I think she wants to press the fire button, Dan," Twilight said.
"Awww," Dan said, petting her. "Does Fluffle want to be the first one to engage the enemy?"
"Thpp-thpp!" the fluffy mare nodded happily. Yes, please! *squee*
"All right," Dan got up. "Grip the controls carefully, now! This baby's got quite a kick to it!"
Fluffle Puff's fluff filled up the entire control station but she was able to grip the controls of the periscope. Tongue at one side of the mouth, she closed in on the target. "Thoom." Boom.
"Sky Marshal, sir?" the sensor officer turned around. "I'm getting something on the scanners."
"What is it?" Gust asked, standing.
"I'm… I'm not sure, sir. It's a power reading coming from the north-east corner of town."
Gust Grasp walked over to the sensor suite. He pointed to his comm officer, "It must be coming from the power plant. Tell the My Face When to take it out."
"Aye, sir. MFW, proceed to quadrant-three and neutralize target," the communications griffon said.
Instantly, the voice of the My Face When's captain responded. "MFW engaging. Consider it dust, Gust."
Gust smirked. The My Face When was a heavy cruiser, one of the toughest and most well-armed ships in the fleet. It looked like a locomotive with two halves of a soup can wrapped around the top and bottom and a bundle of flashlights sticking out of the back for its engines. It was a long, bulky metal vessel with guns on the sides and two huge turrets on the sides of the front. The captain was one of Gust's more capable subordinates, a bloodthirsty female griffon named Clutch. She was a small, lithe and pink bird that liked to blow things up if she couldn't carry them and had both looks and personality that her crew and even Gust found attractive. What's not to love about a woman with five-thousand tons of steel bristling with four-hundred millimeter cannons?
"Sir?" The sensor officer said, a trill of fear in his voice. "This reading… I've never seen anything like it before. It's coming from the library."
Gust looked over his shoulder. "Contact the MFW. Tell them to blow that library, now!"
*BzzzrrrrrrRRRRRR-BLAAAAAAAAAAM!* The ion cannon fired.
The entire library shook with the force of the blast, the ground around it shook, the mailbox outside of the house shook. A blue bolt of concentrated ion energy shot into the sky leaving an electric trail behind it that sparked in the air before dissipating. It struck the side of the train-shaped cruiser, exploding in a burst of blue lightning.
Dan patted Fluffle on the back. "Nice job. My turn."
"We're next! We're next!" The Blast Sisters said, bouncing.
"My Face When's been hit!" the sensor officer screamed. But Gust Grasp didn't need the scanners to tell him that- he could see out the front viewport. Blue lightning sparked all over the ship, crackling and exploding across its hull. The mighty ship was listing off course, dipping down.
Gust hovered over to the sensor suite. "What the hell was that?! What's the damage to the Face?"
The sensor griffon shook his head in disbelief at his console. "This can't be right," he shook his head. "Sir, I'm not reading any damage to My Face When."
"What?" Gust looked back up at the screen. The ship's engines were flaring and she started to spin. "Hail them now!"
The bridge of the My Face When was another story.
"Engines are failing!! We can't maintain altitude!!"
"Structural integrity compromised on decks three-through-thirteen!"
"Primary power is out! Emergency power is out!"
"Systems failing! All systems are failing!!"
"Is this a bad time to mention the vending machine is out of order?"
"It's not out of order; it just needs to be restocked."
"But that means it's out of order. If it's not working, it's out of order."
"It's not out of order, Chelsea! If we said it's out of order, people would think it was broken!"
The ion damage to the ship was causing every electronic system on the ship to overload. Captain Clutch fought to shout orders over the screams of her own crew and the blare of alarm klaxons. Power conduits all throughout the vessel ruptured in explosions of lightning, frying griffons unlucky enough to be near them. Coolant pipes exploded, several on the bridge of the ship, spilling icy mist onto the deck. Griffons fought for the controls of their ship, desperate to contain the damage. All in vain. Ion energy, electromagnetic radiation and raw electricity surged through the vessel, arcing off of every surface and destroying everything in its path.
Several smaller vessels were ripped apart by the ion wash engulfing the My Face When. Several frigates and destroyers were drawn to the larger vessel's magnetized hull and clung to it, weighing the vessel down. A few griffons that were close by, their feathers adorned with stolen jewelry, also found themselves drawn to the hull. They stuck to it, entire squadrons that had been overladen with heavy necklaces and bracelets, clinging to the outside of the vessel and each other helplessly.
The entire ship pulsed blue with ion energy, listing and tumbling into other ships in the fleet.
"She's not answering hails, sir!"
"Tell all ships to back off from her! All ships, now!!" Gust ordered.
"But, Sky Marshal-"
"Do it!"
"Aye, sir…," the comms officer said mournfully. He knew what they were being ordered to do. None of them liked it.
The My Face When continued its slow, helpless tumble through the air. The engines were not electrical themselves, only controlled by it. As the ion damage disrupted the electronic systems, the engines flared, propelling the ship along its uncontrolled course. It began to near one of Blueblood's skyscrapers.
On the inside of the skyscraper, Blueblood's holograms were having holographic tea and congratulating each other on being awesome when they noticed the massive hunk of metal spiraling towards them. The lead hologram raised his cup and said, "Well, shit," before taking a final sip.
Now spinning, the My Face When was attracted to Blueblood's gaudy skyscraper like a magnet. There was nothing anyriffon onboard could do about it.
"If it's not working, then you put an out of order sign on it!"
"It IS WORKING, you DOLT! It just needs to be restocked!"
"IF IT NEEDS TO BE RESTOCKED, THAT MEANS IT'S NOT IN ORDER! THAT MEANS IT'S OUT OF ORDER!"
"SCREW YOU, BECKY!"
"SCREW YOU TOO, CHELSEA!"
"Ladies?"
"WHAT?!"
"We might want to abandon ship now."
"WHY?!"
"Ship's out of order."
"…"
"WELL DOES THAT MEAN IT'S NOT WORKING OR DOES IT JUST NEED TO BE RE-"
The My Face When smashed into Blueblood's tacky skyscraper and exploded. The strange, heptagonal structure of the building, while unsound, engulfed the explosion even as the ship plunged into its side. The building erupted into flames as the ship detonated inside it, containing the explosion and ensuring only Blueblood's property and no other part of Ponyville would be harmed. The My Face When went down with all hands.
"Oh hey, look!" Dan said, looking through the periscope, "they have one of those soviet blimps from Command and Conquer: Red Alert!"
"Oh, yeah," Phoenix said, looking over his shoulder. "That's a Kirov, an armored bomber airship. It's a very iconic unit from the Red Alert series."
"And it's in range!" Dan smiled. "Let's greet the comrades," he said, and hit the button.
A giant blue bolt erupted from the ion cannon and struck the Kirov. The grinning Soviet dirigible was consumed in a shower of sparks and electricity, covering it from bow to stern. It exploded a moment later, popping like a balloon and showering tiny confetti-sized embers over Ponyvill which fizzled out before they hit the ground.
Satisfied, Dan clasped the periscope's handles up. "Okay, everyone's gotten at least two turns with the Fate-Worse-Than-Death Ray, so who goes next?"
"I think it's Fluffle's turn again," Twilight said. The fluffy mare bounced up and down excitedly, eager to vaporize more of the enemy.
"Is that right?" Dan asked, petting her on the head. "Who's ready to engage hostiles with maximum prejudice?"
"Thbbbt! Thbbbbtt!" Me! Me!
"Who's a good fluffy sentinel? Is it you? Who's a vigiwant fwuffy widdle defender?"
Fluffle hopped enthusiastically. "Thpp-thpp! Thpp-thpp!" I am! I am!
"That's right, you are!" Dan grinned, rubbing her head playfully as he got up and she grabbed the controls. Her fluff covered the entire console station. "All right, Ima go make a sandwich while you guys are taking care of the rest of the fleet."
"When we're done, we should contact Mayor Mare to see about removing the debris from the town," Twilight said. "Not to mention all the stuff the griffons stole. It looks like Blueblood's buildings are the perfect lightning rods for crashing airships, though. His structures have mitigated almost all the damage the town would've taken."
Spike rolled his eyes. "I guess Blueblood actually did something right for a change."
"Yeah," Chrys agreed, trading places with Fluffle Puff to shoot down another aircraft. "Have to say, his buildings look a lot better now that they're all flaming piles of wreckage and debris. Ole Bloomers couldn't have built them better."
Phoenix rubbed his chin, remembering. "Actually, he didn't. His Magic Gear built most of the buildings- he just decided what to use them for."
"So, we can't even give him credit for them being on fire?"
The lawyer shook his head. "We can't. But, because all the town's buildings are insured by the Mayor's office, he could make the town pay for their damages."
Chrys' face went blank. "He… he could make us pay for his insurance?"
Phoenix nodded solemnly. (Thankfully, the library is considered public property, so there's no way he could sue us for the damages even if it is Dan's gun that's shooting down all the airships.) A thought entered his head. "Dan did remember to update our property insurance policy when we modified library… didn't he?"
They all stared blankly at him. "I'm sorry I asked."
Meanwhile, Dan was busy making a sandwich in the kitchen. The BLTPB&J- (hay)bacon, lettuce, tomato, peanut butter and jelly on toasted rye. Truly, it was the epitome of all acronym-based sandwiches. The last time he'd had such a sandwich was when he had been hunting for Derpy in Cloudsdale. He had sliced the sandwich vertically into two halves- the definitive bistro-style slice. Slicing a sandwich diagonally is called the homestyle-slice(otherwise known as the "homeslice") while halving it horizontally is the travel slice and is more efficient for packing into lunch boxes, plastic bags and/or tupperware containers.
As Dan was enjoying his sandwich, the doorbell rang. He took the sandwich with him as he walked to the front of the house and opened the door.
A scientist in a lab coat and glasses stood in front of the door, smiling at him. He had blonde hair slicked back over his head and strangely, a strand of bluish hair that came up from just above his left eye and swirled around his entire head like the ring of a planet. He gave Dan a polite nod.
Dan stared quizzically at the other human, mid-bite into his sandwich for a moment. He actually thought it could be Vice Grip in human form for a moment but the stranger's smile seemed genuine and decidedly not-sinister. So, Dan simply asked, "Who the hell are you?"
"Ah yes, Dan, is it?"
"That's my name. What the hell is your name?"
"My name is Colress," the man introduced himself.
Before he could continue, Dan asked, "And you need to check out a library book?"
"Not at the moment," Colress said. He pulled out a clipboard and pen. "I'm curious about your defense of Ponyville and I'm wondering if it's your belief in your ideals or your pursuit of the truth that is driving you towards success. Would you say your primary motivation is derived more from your belief in what is true or your desire to prove your beliefs?"
Dan blinked. "The sign says 'no solicitors'!" He slammed the door in Colress' face.
Behind the door, Colress' smile was unbroken. He continued making notes on his clipboard. "Fascinating…" he muttered. He raised his hand to ring the door again when suddenly the doormat under his feet launched him into the sky until he was but a twinkle in the distance. The twinkle then went "ding!"
"Looks like that moron's blasting off again," Dan said, closing the terminal at the side of the door. He finished his sandwich and made his way back to the control center.
Back in the control center, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder were sharing the control center, ever in-sync as sisters. They fired a blast at a cluster of ships surrounding a larger cruiser. The smaller airships surged with ion wash and became polarized. They were magnetically drawn to the larger vessel which unwittingly collected them like sandbags on a blimp. The larger vessel tried to escape while progressively being pulled down by the other vessels until they all finally crashed into a billboard above Blueblood Dome, which then instantaneously became Blueblood Stadium and then just another pile of flaming rubble.
"Six in a row!" Fuse announced happily.
"That's the high score!"
"Who wants to try and beat it?"
"Phoenix?" they both looked at the lawyer. "You wanna play with us~"
The lawyer smiled bashfully. "I uh, I think I'll skip my next turn. You guys have fun."
"Awww… okay!"
"Shiny? Cady? You guys wanna go double-or-nothing?"
The married couple shook their heads. "We're more of shield specialists, not artillery."
Twilight shrugged. "We're actually running out of ships. I would've thought the griffons would retreat by now."
"Let 'em stay," Dan said, entering. "We can always use more fried chicken."
"And how exactly are you going to retrieve them all?" Chrys asked, skeptical. More so, she was a bit miffed about losing the last shooting match to Blast Fuse and Blast Powder before Dan arrived.
Dan pointed at the view screen on the wall. "We have the dog from Duck Hunt."
They all turned to see an eight-bit hound holding up an 8-bit griffin by the legs.
"That's actually the dog from Duck Hunt," Chrys said. "Why am I not surprised?"
"Either way, it's my turn again!!" Dan announced, taking the controls. The ion cannon unleashed another blast. The skies were getting clearer with every shot.
"Four units down! I have four units down on Bravo Grid!"
"All Your Base is lost, U Wot M8 is lost, we have another ship coming down in sector lambda!"
"Shrike, Talon, Crowbar and Ajax squadrons have been completely wiped out! All wings are in total disarray!"
Gust Grasp raised his voice over the shouts of his bridge crew. "Send all remaining wings to cover the Yes and get out of here!"
"Aye, sky marshal!"
He grabbed the microphone at the communications terminal. "All ships! Emergency roost protocol now!! Now, dammit!!"
His sensor officer turned to him. "What about us, sir?"
"Are we still cloaked?"
The officer checked his terminal. He turned back and nodded.
"Then keep us up," he said, sitting back in his command chair. "Comms, put in a call to the library. Direct line, hail them."
"Aye, sky marshal."
Chrys squinted to see one of the ships in the distance through the periscope. The ion cannon was designed to hit anything above the rooftops of Equestria so range wasn't a problem. The remaining ships in the griffon pirate fleet were fleeing, what few were left. Most had been sunk and either crashed into one of Blueblood's buildings or on the tacky blue grass he planted, incinerating it. The homes and regular buildings in Ponyville, however, were mysteriously unscathed.
Dan purchased the ion cannon from Pone Depot shortly before going to Canterlot for Shining and Cadence's anniversary. He installed it shortly after Christmas/Hearth's Warming but this is the first time it had really been used. The weapon itself was absolutely the zenith of non-lethal weapons- the absolute best home defense system Equestria could ask for. The cannon, once activated, deployed an electromagnetic field that created friction with Equestria's magnetosphere. It used this friction to generate enormous amounts of electricity while also drawing in charged ions from the atmosphere. Combining the electromagnetic energy with the ions, it concentrated them into an energy pulse- a beam of combined electricity, energy, magnetism and even a little of Equestria's own magic into a blast that nullified all other forms of energy on contact.
The result was a weapon not even Vice Grip could defend against. Dan didn't even really fully understand it- he just read part of the manual, turned it on and shot stuff with it. Because of its unique qualities, the cannon could only be mounted on the library in Ponyville, much to the dismay of Vice when he briefly invaded the household before Dan left for the Crystal Empire. It was a defensive weapon to which there was no defense.
Well, almost no defense.
"All right, and this one makes sixteen for Chryssie," Chrys said, firing a blast at one of the retreating vessels. The library shook again, just briefly, something they were all used to by now. Just before the ion blast hit it, the ship descended, causing the blue ray to fly over it. "Huh?"
"Something wrong?" Dan asked.
"Something weird- all the ships are landing."
"Landing?!" Twilight asked.
"Hold on, I'll put it up on the big screen," Dan said, flipping the channel on the wall display. It showed Ponyville from one of the cameras on the treehouse. All the griffon ships, the ones that weren't on fire anyway, were all landing right where they hovered. "The buck is this?"
"They're landing in Ponyville. They're vulnerable to air support now," Twilight remarked.
"But we don't HAVE any air support!" Dan yelled.
Twilight tapped her chin nervously. "Y-yeah, there is that problem still."
Dan grabbed the periscope controls. "The cannon can't hit them when they're on the ground! Except that one. And that one," he blasted a frigate that landed on a rooftop and a corvette that had anchored next to a gazebo. "Take that you little bloodsuckers. But I don't know what to do about the others."
"They're not close enough to hit with the other guns on the treehouse either," Phoenix said. "Maybe if we found a way to lure them closer…"
"I think they all pretty much know by now the library has a gun on the roof," Cadence said.
Shining nodded. "They're not going to come anywhere near this place now even if we spray painted the tree gold."
"There has to be SOMETHING we can do!" Dan shouted. "They're sitting ducks! WE'RE sitting ducks! And we're stuck here ducking around because we can't shoot them and they can't leave!"
Chrys shrugged. "We did shoot but they found a way to duck." She rubbed her ear again. "Seriously, am I the only one hearing that?"
The intercom inside the treehouse crackled. A voice they'd heard before came over it, chuckling. "Well, well, well… it's Dan, isn't it? Hiding an anti-air emplacement in a target we'd overlook was clever, very clever. But this just became a ground engagement. So it looks like you'll need something else to surprise us with."
Dan grabbed the intercom system, a studio microphone hooked up to the console. "Oh, we have plenty to surprise you with. Why don't you guys come closer and find out?"
"Heheheh… you might not like that, Danny boy. Griffons are not like pegasi- all clouds and no claws. We're pirates first and pilots second, no strangers to fighting dirty. But it looks to me like this fight is over; once we're done looting the rest of your town, we'll be on our way. Consider this a lesson in combat from the Sky Marshal of the United Griffon Coalition. And have a nice day!" The intercom crackled off.
"Grrrnnn…" Dan growled. "Freaking pirate pigeons. That's it!" he made for the door, "I'm gonna take apart every last one of their little bathtub toy boats and THEN I'm gonna break every bone in their bodies and THEN-"
"That's not a bad idea," another voice said over the intercom. "But let us take the first shot at 'em, okay guys?"
Dan spun around. "West? Is that you?"
"Yub yub, captain. You did order air support, didn't you?"
"But you said you wouldn't be able to help!"
"No, I said we'd be ready in a jiffy! Now here comes the jiffy!"
"What?"
The sensor officer turned around. "New contact, sir!"
Gust's sunglasses fell right off his beak. "What?!"
"Marshal, it's Rogue Squadron! The transponders match!"
Gust looked at the display, staring in disbelief. "What the hell is that?!"
"JIFFFFFFFFFFYYYYYYYYY!!!" Holding a comically-oversized set of chattering teeth, Derpy swooped in with the sun on her back.
"I think it's the mail, sir."
Derpy, with Rogue Squadron as her wing, blazed in from above. Edge and West unleashed laser blasts from their specialized wings while Derpy closed in with the dentures of life. Red lances of energy blasted the remaining ships, piercing through wooden, metal and plastic hull alike. The thirteen pegasi cut a swath of fire through town, destroying the griffon ships parked there. One griffon had even parked his flying Merc-Cades horizontally in front of a convenience store, taking up two spaces instead of one. His car was eaten by Derpy's dentures Pacman-style.
"Um, sir?" the sensor officer looked up again. "Our ships are being blasted. And eaten in a very silly manner."
"Yeah, I can see that," Gust said, angry. "Release the Trouble Bags!!"
The remaining ships all deployed hatches on their sides. From them, a loud buzzing noise echoed followed by a swarm of tiny, round creatures.
"PARASPRITES!!" Twilight, Chrys, Spike, Shining and Cadence yelled. Fluffle yelled a loud "THPPPPPPP!!" which meant parasprites.
"They're eating the buildings!" Phoenix shouted.
"What? Parsprites don't eat-" Twilight stopped when she looked at the screen. "THEY'RE EATING PONYVILLE!"
The parasprites swarmed, a multicolored horde or pests. They devoured the houses in Ponyville quickly, not even leaving a splinter of the cottages behind. In seconds, a full quarter of the cottages in town had been erased.
"Uh, hey guys?" West's voice came in. "The parasprites are too thick for us to fly through. Do something to clear the sky for us, will ya?"
Dan sighed. "Great. There went air support."
"We have to do something! We have to do SOMETHING!" Shining panicked.
"Parasprites respond to music. We have to get Pinkie… or Pinkie's band equipment right now!" Twilight stammered.
"Pinkie's not here! Who else around here can be a one-pony band?!" Cadence screeched.
"VINYL!" Chrys yelled. "Vinyl and Octavia, we get them and-"
"Not gonna work," Vinyl said.
"HOLY CRAP! How the heck did you guys get in here?"
"Front door was unlocked," Vinyl remarked. "Hey guys, what's up? Mind if we crash here considering things keep crashing into our place?"
Tavi nodded. "We can't really get to our equipment right now. One of those airships landed on the Wubway… again."
"And fell through the rough. Again."
"And the whole town is being swarmed by parasprites. Again," Twilight remarked. "Without loud music of any kind, we can't lure them out of town."
"They're bugs, right?" Dan asked. "Well, I know another way we can get rid of this pest problem."
"What's that?"
"We build a big zapper. A really big bug zapper."
"Ahhh…" Twilight said, nodding. "Despite the fact that's kind of inhumane, I think we're past that at this point." Cadence, Spike and Shining nodded in agreement next to her.
"How are we going to build a bug zapper?" Chrys asked.
"We use one of the missiles from the SAM battery," Dan announced. "We just need something that can lure those bugs to it, then we launch it and send them flying."
Phoenix raised his hand. "Hey, what about the Hearth's Warm-err, Christmas decorations?"
Dan smiled. "I like that idea. They're in the closet!"
Two minutes later, they were running down the hallway checking the closets again.
"No. No. No. Yes!" Twilight reached the right door finally after opening the others.
Gust Grasp rubbed his claws. "We gave 'em fair warning. Now, Ponyville pays the price for messing with the griffons." He was pleased with himself. Despite losing almost every ship in his fleet and over half his griffons, Gust had sacked Ponyville. It was something no other commander had done before him, no other pirate.
"Shall I recall the parasprites now, sir?"
"Nah," Gust said, sitting down. "Let 'em feast. Not gonna have the resources to feed 'em any more with all we lost. Might as well just cut 'em loose."
"Aye, sky marshal."
His carrier, All of My Yes, had managed to retreat, a bit of good fortune, seeing as how it was designed to accommodate the flight squadrons and could carry many of the survivors. The large ring-shaped ship floated just past Canterlot, escorted by what few active flight groups were left. Apart from that, Mudkipz, That Escalated Quickly, Other Irrelevant Meme and Team Plasma's frigate had also managed to flee. The First Expeditionary Armada had been reduced from a massive fleet to barely a picket flotilla. It would be a long time before they could raid again.
But Ponyville was in ruin. The town was being devoured by trained parasprites, parasprites that were resistant to musical influence because they had been trained with music by the griffons. The bugs would eat and multiply until Ponyville and probably the Everfree Forest and Canterlot were nothing but barren land. Gust would return to Verticia, the hanging capital of the griffons before heading back to his hometown of Griffonstone on the border. He would be paraded through the streets as the hero who sacked Equestria, a king of pirates. Then, he would use his fame to recruit new pirates and get a new fleet. The cycle would continue.
"Helm, new course. Take us back to-"
"Sir? I have another power surge," the sensor officer said, deep worry in his voice. "It's the library again."
On the roof of the library, a giant missile was glowing in an array of colors. It shined brightly even in the sunlight, so bright it illuminated the sky.
"Back us off! Back us off!" Gust ordered. "Get away from that thing n-!"
"Sir! The parasprites-"
The U Mad Bro surged forward, not under its own power but from the mass of insects pushing behind it. The swarm of parasprites filling the sky were all drawn to the missile. As the ships had been drawn to the buildings like magnets, so were the bugs drawn to the Christmas lights encircled around the missile. Many of the retreating griffons were dragged by the swarm, unable to fly through it because of its thickness.
"Pull us up!! Pull us up, pull us away! Get us out of here!!"
The missile launched. It flew through the sky, aimed towards Canterlot. It struck the side of the That Escalated Quickly, the parasprites swarming behind it. The tiny bugs latched onto the missile and the ship, weighing it down. Just over the edge of Canterlot, the missile and the ship both exploded.
"NOOOO!" Gust yelled. The screen showed the explosion, the fiery remains that consumed one of the last of his vessels. The parasprites had all been incinerated, nothing left of them or his ship. The only building in Canterlot that received any damage was Blueblood's ski resort, which only lost a few windows.
"Th… That Escalated Quickly is gone, sir."
Gust slumped in his captain's chair. Their ship was still over Ponyville, cloaked. The missile had blown and attracted the parasprites behind them, barely even nudging his flagship. There were no ships, parasprites or griffons left over Ponyville. Just them. He gripped the chair tightly.
"Arm all weapons," he said coldly. "Target: Golden Oaks Library. Standby to decloak."
They all knew what that meant. "Aye, sir."
Like an unseen predator, the U Mad Bro flew closer to the unsuspecting library.
"Now THAT's how you deal with a pest problem," Dan announced, pleased with himself. He looked proudly at the wall display, happy that the skies were finally clear.
"Great job, Dan!" Twilight patted him on the back. "Really… you were right; the security system was a great idea. I'm happy I put you in charge of security."
"You bet your purple horn, you are," Dan said triumphantly. "Let's call Derpy and see if we can get a muffin pizza ordered."
Chrys rubbed her ear again. "We might have to have them get it from someplace other than Ponyville, maybe Canterlot. Seriously, does anypony else hear that?"
"Hear what?" Spike asked.
"I don't know, it's been going on for a while now. It sounds like a cicada or something, some kind of droning noise."
Dan checked the monitor again. "We got rid of the parasprites so I don't know what it could be." He spooled through the images on the display, scanning the skies.
"You really thought it would be that easy?" the intercom blared. "You'd make a good pirate, Captain Dan. Eager for a quick victory, a trait I admire. Unfortunately, I won't be letting you have it."
"There!" Shining pointed a hoof at the screen. "I… I see something!"
"I see it too!" Cadence said. "It's some kind of a blur, a distortion!"
"What do you think, honey? Bird-of-prey?"
Cadence shook her head. "Too big. It's something bigger."
"But what?"
"What are you guys talking about?" Dan asked. He squinted at the monitor. "That smudge? Is there something on the camera? Wait… why is it moving?"
Shining swallowed. "Dan… that's a stealth ship. It's a ship that can turn itself almost invisible."
"We should've known a bunch of pirates would have one," Cadence said through gritted teeth.
Dan's eyes went wide. "Stealth? They have a stealth bomber?"
"No," Shining shook his head. "Something bigger. Much worse. But we have a chance, though."
"How?
Shining thought for a moment, not taking his eyes off the distortion. "They can't fire while they're invisible. That means, they'll have to decloak to fire. Usually."
"Usually?!" Dan asked. "Well, all right, let's target the blurry spot with the ion cannon," he said, getting the controls again. "We'll hit it the moment it decloaks."
"Warning: Ion cannon offline. Critical ion feedback detected. Please contact an administrator."
"Contact an administrator?" Phoenix shrieked in panic. "What does that even mean?!"
Dan looked back at the screen, the blur getting closer to them. "It means we need to duck."
"Disengage cloak. Lock phasers on target."
The hovering distortion over Ponyville materialized into a half-saucer-like ship. Its bow was like a disk that connected to a boxy stern section with a curved bar over the top and another attachment in the center of the arch. Underneath it were two long rail-like spars, engine nacelles. It had a set of angry sharp teeth painted along the underside of the saucer, making it look like some hybrid shark-spaceship. It was clearly a stolen ship- whatever it was intended for now, it was meant for piracy. It was meant for revenge.
Stolen Federation Miranda-class Light Cruiser NCC-1864-R UGC Flagship U Mad Bro Formerly U.S.S Reliant, Starfleet vessel
Shining Armor stared in disbelief at the enemy ship, jaw agape. "It's the Reliant. It's actually the Reliant."
Dan turned around. "Is that bad?"
Cady and Shiny both nodded. "Very bad."
He turned back to the fire control station for the ion cannon. The console's screens displayed red warnings- critical ion feedback, fire control offline, system error, contact administrator, insert coin. Dan had no idea what half of them meant, but he knew they meant the big gun wasn't working. He hit the fire button again to no success.
"Okay… Plan B."
"I thought we were on Plan B…" Twilight commented.
Chrys raised her hoof. "Was crashing into the outhouse plan-"
Dan snapped his fingers. "Shield the house! Shield the house! Plan B is shield the house!! NOW!!"
"FIRE!!!"
The U Mad Bro/Reliant's phaser banks opened fire. Six red beams of crimson heat and multi-phased comprehensive EM-band light energy lanced at the treehouse. Four beams came from the top of the ship while two larger ones came from the ship's painted-on mouth underneath. The beams burnt the air, racing toward the target in a flash of red.
The beams struck a shield and exploded mere feet from its target. The treehouse was enveloped in a magical barrier of pink and blue- the combined spells of Cadence and Shining Armor. Even as the shield absorbed the beams' energy, it began to bulge and waiver like a balloon squeezed at the side.
Inside the house, Cadence and Shining held each other tightly, heads over each others' shoulders, horns glowing and faces strained.
"It's…. it's a lot," Shining groaned.
"Can you hold it?" Dan asked.
"Not… not for long," Cadence said, panting.
"Let me help!" Twilight called. She grabbed her brother and former foal sitter, embracing them and adding her magic to their own. A purple shield was added to the red and blue, restoring the strength of the barrier around the house.
But the red beams did not relent.
"Overcharge all phaser banks!"
The six beams widened, going from thin and precise needles to massive, blunt rays the size of Blueblood's chariot. Crimson-white light illuminated what was left of Ponyville and even incinerated the grass nearby. The air became hot inside the library and smelled strongly of ozone.
Twilight groaned, all three of the magical defenders strained under the brunt of the energy assault. They held each other tightly. "It's… it's still too much!" Twilight said.
"Dan!" Shining yelled, "This isn't working! We have to find a way to stop them- now!"
"Hold on, Twilight, hold on!!" Cadence held her sister tight. She held her back, their eyes closed too tight to even see each other, they clutched each others shoulders as their horns glowed.
"Uhhh… uhh…" Dan stammered, thinking. He pulled out his cell phone.
"Dan, what are you doing?!" Spike asked, his voice a shrill cry.
"I'm calling customer service."
Chrys walked up to the human. "How's this for service?" She pushed his arms aside and kissed him deeply. They locked lips, Dan's eyes went wide. The phone dropped to the floor along with every jaw in the room.
Finally, Chrys broke the kiss. "Thanks," she said, and patted him on the shoulder.
"Da… bah… gaba… Sto… Vo… Kor…"
Spike faceclawed. "Great job, Chrys. You broke him."
"Just needed a boost," she said, winking at the small dragon. She then joined Twilight, Cadence and Shining, holding them and adding her power to their own.
"A… a boost?" Dan asked. "That was for a boost? Because I thought-"
"Dan!" Spike yelled, cutting the shipping short, "We have to defend the library!"
"Right, Nicky, we have to do something to help them with the shield!"
"How can WE help them with the shield?" Phoenix asked.
"Use your magic rock!" Dan yelled, monkeying with the ion cannon console alongside Spike.
"Magic rock- my magatama?"
"Yes! Use the magic rock!"
"It's a magatama! It doesn't work like that!" the lawyer yelled. (And I would've used it for that a long time ago if it did!)
"Use it anyway!"
"What do you want me to do?! Make sure that Gust isn't hiding anything when he vaporizes the house?!"
"DO SOMETHING, NICKY!"
"HOLD ON!" Phoenix walked over to the door and grabbed an umbrella from the stand. "I have an umbrella! There! I'm helping!"
"Nicky, how is that supposed to help?!"
"I. DON'T. KNOW," Phoenix said, under the umbrella. "I thought maybe I could do the thing you do and tape a bunch of mirrors or something to it to reflect the lasers, I DON'T KNOW! I'M DOING MY BEST!"
"Shut up, you three idiots and hug me!" Chrys yelled.
"How is that going to-"
"NOW!"
All three of them joined the group hug, grabbing the ponies. Fluffle detached from the ceiling as if on cue and landed on top of the hug. The power of their love amplified Chrys' power and for some reason added a fluffy fifth layer of energy to the shield. But most of the energy was channeled into Chrys' horn and it glowed brighter.
The Changeling Queen's shield increased the size and strength of the magical combined forcefield, dwarfing the overcharged phasers the cruiser fired at them. Finally, the two forces were even and repelled each other. Chrys' green shield caused the beams to split and ricochet, same back into the air perilously close to where they were fired from.
"Weapons, cease fire."
The U Mad Bro stopped firing.
"Oh, my Celestia…" Exhausted, the ponies, dragon and humans collapsed in a heap.
"I'm installing an energy shield to the house," Dan said, picking himself up. "Or ten."
"I… fully support that idea," Twilight said, panting.
"I think… I think they upgraded it," Shining said, also panting. "Reliant never had that many lasers."
"Yeah," Cadence said, agreeing. "It had like two in the movie. Freaking hax."
"Hax, totally."
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder walked up to the group. "Okay guys, good news."
"And bad news."
"Good news: the ion cannon's almost fixed."
"Hooray…" the exhausted group rejoiced.
"Bad news: they're at like point-blank range."
The rest of the group looked up. The foreboding cruiser hung in the air like a menacing sea predator but for the moment, was not firing.
Shining looked up wearily. "If… if their phasers are recharging, we've got about ten seconds before they fire again."
"And the ion cannon's still not working," Twilight said.
"We're defenseless," Cadence said.
"And out of options," Spike added.
"We can't even call them to surrender," Phoenix stated.
"Thrppppppbrbbbb…" Fluffle said, which meant, "We're in deep thppp."
Dan stood amidst his friends, staring at the view screen that displayed their ruthless enemy. The phaser banks on the ship already glowed again, warming up to fire. "Phoenix, umbrella."
Phoenix didn't even ask why Dan wanted it- he just handed it to him. Dan deployed it and stood under it as if awaiting for the roof to collapse on top of them. They all huddled around him under it. With him in the middle, they shared a final group hug.
"Dan?" Chrys said, looking up.
"Yeah?" he said, looking back at her.
"I… I never told you this…" she stammered, trying to find the words. "I mean, this might seem kind of obvious to everypony…"
"Yeah," everypony else said unanimously.
"But… seeing as we might not get another chance…"
"Yes, Chryssie? What is it?"
"I-"
"Fire."
The U Mad Bro opened fire. The red beams converged into a single, massive red bolt that arced towards the library.
"What?!" the group asked. Something huge was on the display, standing between the cruiser and the library. A giant, golden hoof blocked the phasers.
"Avast, you scallywags!" the massive golden pony shouted at the starship. "You'll not plunder Ponyville while I'm around!"
Twilight stepped forward, unable to believe it with her eyes. "Blueblood?"
"Blueblood?" Gust Grasp asked, looking at the the golden Magic Gear in his bridge's view screen. "You've gotta be kidding me."
"That's Prince Blueblood to you, you honor-less heathens!" Blueblood declared from the cockpit of Magic Gear KING aka Kingsley.
"Way to go, Bloomers!" Dan shouted into the intercom system.
"Blueblood… you saved us!" Phoenix said.
The golden mecha-colt turned around. "You may have been right about me, Mr. Wright. Maybe I am just a spoiled snob… maybe not. Let's find out, shall we?" it turned to face the U Mad Bro again. "I'll keep these ruffians occupied- you repair your cannon!"
"Right, let's fix the cannon!" Dan shouted. "Phoenix, toolbox! Fourth closet on the right!"
Twilight and Phoenix both turned around. "And that one is…?"
Dan smiled at both of them. "You know what, I'll just show you. And bring the umbrella- we're gonna need it."
Gust Grasp leaned forward. The golden Magic Gear had a crown, its massive horn sticking out of it like a diamond spear. It shined in the sunlight, two blue eyes sparkling at it. He honestly found the flamboyant robot funny. "Hahaha… a very cute display, your highness but if you're done playing with your toys, I still have your little friends to destroy before I takeover your town."
The Magic Gear glared at him. "If you want them, you thieving miscreants, you'll have to go through me!" The massive gear reached down to its waste where Blueblood's golden podium-chariot was attached. The Gear grabbed the base and from the bottom of it pulled out a massive sword fit for a giant pony. Grasping it firmly in one hoof, it levied it up to the cruiser.
"Bfffahahahaha!" Gust burst out laughing. "A sword? Really? That's rich- richer than you can afford, I'm sure. Does that thing have a button on the back to make it karate chop, too?"
Blueblood stood firm. "Come closer and find out, sky marshal. If you dare."
"Hoho, I think I do more than dare, goldie" he pointed to his weapons officer and gestured at the screen. "Hey, waste that thing."
"Gotcha, marsh," the weapons griffon said with a grin.
The U Mad Bro unleashed all of its weapons on the Gear. Phasers, photon torpedoes, a few griffons that used mounted E-Web blasters on the side, everything was directed at Blueblood's robot pony. With expertise only an upbringing of fencing could afford, Blueblood deflected every last blast and projectile fired at him. His blade was a flurry of motion, cutting through the beams and torps. Not a single one got past him.
"You'll have to do better than that, fiend!" He charged forward in the Gear, thrusters on its back blaring and carrying it straight towards the ship. The cruiser fired, beams crossing and scorching the sky trying to lance at Blueblood but not a one even came close. Blade tucked in close, Magic Gear KING spun as it crossed the side of the U Mad Bro, slashing at the vessel's port side. The sound of metal clashing rang out as they passed.
For a moment, the two hung in the air, motionless. The port nacelle of the U Mad Bro/Reliant began to crack at the pylon, electricity and fire sparking from a gouge in the pylon connecting it to the ship. The nacelle exploded and broke off, crashing to the street below and shattering to pieces. The stub where the pylon was connected continued sparking as the ship began to list.
Gust looked at the damage to the ship, the missing pylon. "Really? Again? I call hax."
The view of Ponyville began to tilt as the U Mad Bro's weight shifted to port. Without the port nacelle, the ship's maneuvering capacity was severely limited but they could compensate. Which is what the helmsman should've already been doing. "Grrrr… Helm!" Gust barked. "Why aren't you-" He stopped mid question. The bridge was empty except for him.
"Oh, you freaking ingrates!" Gust cursed, slamming his clawed fist onto his chair's arm. "No one's gonna let ME know when they decide to abandon ship?! You worthless bastards!!" he slammed again, then smiled, looking up. "I'm so proud of you guys." Leaving the sky marshal on the bridge wasn't the proper course in a military organization; it was the spirit of pirates. "I'm gonna kill every last one of ya!"
The Sky Marshal flew out of his chair and grabbed the helm controls. His fleet was destroyed, his flagship heavily damaged and his crew deserted. His grand raid of Ponyville had turned into a complete rout for his forces, a disastrous defeat the result of his foolhardy overconfidence. He would lose his command for this, undoubtedly would face charges if not worse. He wouldn't be able to show his face in Verticia, Griffonstone or Loft Landing, the three main cities of the griffons' kingdom. They would choose a new Sky Marshal, most likely a loyal and inexperienced griffon that would not know of the sacrifices he made, the things he did to make his country strong. Gust Grasp would be a pirate no longer.
"So, that's how it's gonna be, is it?" he asked, now completely alone. "You're not getting away with this- no, none of you are," he keyed in commands on the console. "Well, if that's how you want it, then that's how you're gonna get it."
"Autopilot destroyed. Manual operation only."
"DAMMIT!" he slammed his claws on the controls. "Why? WHY does that NEVER work when you really need it to?" The ship shook again, nearly knocking him to the floor. A power conduit underneath the science console exploded in a shower of sparks, blasting the circuitry into smoke.
"Had enough, you wretched fiend?!" the voice of Blueblood blared. Gust looked over at the damage display to see the prince had taken the liberty of removing the ship's remaining warp nacelle. In atmosphere, the nacelles weren't that necessary; the ship still had maneuvering thrusters and basic propulsion.
"I dunno, let's ask your friends!" Gust toggled the controls for phasers to manual and fired the lower banks at the library. Red lances of energy carved into the dirt around it but not a blast hit the treehouse itself. Without a weapons lock, the phasers fired wildly, not hitting their mark. But Gust was a marksman and he slowly aimed the phasers closer to the house.
*KRANG!* The ship shook as something hard hit it from underneath. He was thrown form the console yet again.
"Oh no, you don't!" Blueblood declared. Using his Magic Gear's thrusters, he pushed up against the ship's hull from underneath. "Your cheap tricks won't work while I'm here, scum!"
Gust grabbed the helm controls, steadying himself. "Oh yeah? How about this?!" He hit a red button.
*KRBMMMFFF* "AHHHHH!!!" And was immediately flung backwards by the deploying airbag.
Blueblood strained against his own vehicle's controls. KING's hoof jets flared, pushing harder against the enemy vessel. "NNNNngg! Captain Dan? Getting a bit rough up here, might want to hurry with that cannon."
"We're working on it, Blue, just hold tight!"
"Not funny, captain-hhhrrrrrk!"
Dan and the others exited the hatch to the roof of the library. The roof of the Golden Oakes was the canopy of the tree itself; it was so large and thick that it became a crown of green bushy leaves and branches surrounding them just below eye level. In the center and rising up from a column of steel was the ion cannon. The cannon itself was an enormous sphere as wide as the tree and sat atop the column like a golf ball on a stand. They had an unabridged view of the sky and surrounding area of Ponyville from the top of the treehouse, allowing them to see Blueblood's predicament.
"Ah, I get it," Chrys said. "You told him to hold tight and he's literally holding up the ship so it won't shoot us."
"It wasn't even really a joke; I just told him to hold tight," Dan remarked. "He won't be holding up anything if we don't get moving!"
"How do we fix the cannon, Dan?" Twilight asked.
He looked up at the giant gun. The metal surface shimmered a faint blue translucent energy that enveloped it. "We have to clear the ion wash! You, Chrys, Fluffle, Cady and Shiny get up there and shield the cannon while me, Nicky, Spike, and the twins cut the power!"
"Right, we're on it!" the five shielders took to the sky to complete their task.
"Nicky, get the toolbox ready!"
"WHY IS MY BRIEFCASE THE TOOLBOX?!!" Phoenix yelled, carrying a huge metal box.
"Umm…" Dan turned around slowly. "It was available."
"AVAILABLE?!" the lawyer shouted. "You couldn't find anything else to put a bunch of tools in?!"
Dan shrugged. "I was going to use that steamer trunk Twilight keeps the elephants-"
"ELEMENTS!" Spike corrected.
"Right, those things in, but I didn't think she'd like that."
"So you used my court file briefcase?!" Phoenix asked, flabbergasted. "This thing holds all my sensitive court documents!"
"And now, it's holding a pair of needle-nose pliers, a star-head screwdriver and some tape so get it open."
"Augh," Phoenix groaned, opening the case. It flung open, tumbling a bunch of loose tools to the floor. "Oh mai gawd! You didn't put them in anything!"
"What are you doing?! Don't let the screws roll away!"
"WHY WERE THEY LOOSE IN MY BRIEFCASE?!"
"I had them in a sock I wasn't using," Dan said, gathering the screws.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a tyrannosaurus rex wearing a tuxedo was enjoying his early-afternoon tea.
With his tiny but strong arms, he held the cup up to his nostrils and took a long inhale. "Ahhh, heavenly." The aroma of the fragrant Longleaf Ashfall tea engulfed his senses. A native of Equestria's Dragon Domain, the tuxedo'd reptile made sure his pantry was well-stocked with tea from home. He took a sip from the piping hot cup and resumed reading the paper on his front porch.
He sneered at the paper. "Bah! COW is down again. Reginald!" he called.
"Yes, sir?" his crystal pony manservant answered from the kitchen.
"Remind me to phone Winston and Grisham back home. If they're looking to make good on that trust fund, tell them now's the time."
"Yes sir, I'll pencil it in right before four."
"Reginald!" the t-rex slammed down the paper in his lap, "How many times have I told you? One does NOT schedule anything BEFORE tea!"
"Ah, terribly sorry, sir. After four, then?"
"After four, Reginald, AFTER four."
"Very good, sir."
The tuxedo'd reptile picked up the newspaper again and turned the page. As he began at the top, the glint of something caught his eye in the sky above town. The golden hide of some odd machine holding up some other larger contraption shimmered in the distance.
Leaning forward, he adjusted his monocle, not believing what he saw. He squinted, blinked but the vision did not change. He held up his tea and sniffed again. "Reginald!" he called once more.
"Yes, sir?"
"What the devil did you put in my tea?!"
The crystal pony, Reginald walked out to the porch. "Nothing, sir. It's Longleaf Ashfall, just as you specified."
He gave the cup back to his manservant. "Well, go put something in it! I am witnessing sights that are most strange to behold!"
"Yes, sir… um… what would you like me to add to it?"
"Something strong, Reginald, something strong! And hurry!" the reptile huffed. "Most bizarre developments are underfoot and I shan't be facing unprepared!"
"Of course, sir, right away, sir."
As his manservant departed, the t-rex carefully folded the newspaper and sat it down. From his vest pocket, he retrieved a pair of opera glasses and viewed the sight in the sky ahead of him. "My word…" He focused on the larger object and the letters underneath it. "Good heavens! Pirates! It's the griffons, Reginald- the griffons are plundering Ponyville!"
Reginald poked his head out of the kitchen again. "Will you still be wanting tea, sir?"
"Nonsense, Reginald, fetch the coats! We're off to the library!" he said, getting up. "Opportunity doesn't tarry and neither must we!"
KING pushed up harder on U Mad Bro's hull, forcing the ship's bow to pitch upward. Despite the fact the Miranda-class was a starship, Gust had never taken the ship into space, instead preferring to raid neighboring towns on his home planet. The result was that he had no need for the ship's extensively sophisticated life support systems. He had most of the starship's immense power capabilities tied into the weapons, including the artificial gravity. So, as the ship and the ship's bridge continued to rise at an ever-widening angle, he found it difficult to maintain his position at the console.
Holding onto the controls, his legs began to dangle as his view became completely vertical. "I didn't ask for a lift, Blueblood! It's time for you to get off!" Gust targeted the golden Magic Gear with the lower phaser banks, scowling when he saw the ship's lack of nacelles. He got Blueblood in his sights and fired.
Red beams flashed from the ship's lower 'teeth' cannons, firing at Magic Gear KING. The port bank missed widely, scorching empty sky but the starboard one continued swiveling as it fired, aiming closer at Blueblood. The Gear turned and blocked the blast with its hoof, protecting its face and the cockpit. Its left hoof was blasted by the thin beams, scorching it and knocking the Gear back. The sword it held fell to the ground, scorched and melted.
"Gahh!" Blueblood felt the impact in the cockpit but maintained his grip on the controls.
"Hahaha! You underestimate my ship's power, Blueblood!" Gust clapped his claws at his successful attack. "AHHH!!" And immediately fell to the back of the bridge when he let go of the controls. Momentarily unable to reach the controls, Gust was also momentarily unable to control the phasers. The starboard cannon continued firing, passing Blueblood in its arc and vaporizing the port cannon.
"Looks like you do as well, feathered blowhard!" Swinging around, the Gear punched the starboard cannon with its own hoof. Not quite strong enough to crush the phaser bank, it still shorted out its mechanisms, breaking it.
Gust flew back up to the controls and pressed downward. With KING preoccupied, he pushed them forward and leveled the ship out. "This has gone on long enough, princess!" Beak teeth gritted, the griffon keyed the phasers again.
"Weapon systems offline. Please contact a repair technician."
"Rrrrrggg," he growled. "All right, then. That's how it is, I'm taking all of you with me." He transferred all of the ship's power into the engines and pushed forward, angling the ship towards the ground. "Nothing is beyond the reach of Gust Grasp, sky marshal of the griffons!" He aimed the ship's bow at the library and throttled forward.
KING's hooves scraped against the hull plating of the ship, grinding off of the underside of the immense vessel. It slipped away from Blueblood and sped towards the Golden Oaks Library. Blueblood watched as the ship dove, his own stomach sinking just as fast. He knew what he had to do. Gunning the Gear forward, he dove to catch up with it.
Back inside the library, Dan and company burst into the control room. "We're all good, Blueblood! Get clear and we'll blast Grasp outta the sky!"
"Dan- look!" Twilight pointed at the view screen. The U Mad Bro was aimed right for them but wasn't moving. It was clear to see why; Magic Gear KING was holding onto the top supporting arch that held the photon launcher. Using its own leg jets, the machine was countering the vessel's engines, preventing it from ramming them.
"Blueblood!"
"Fire the cannon! Now!"
"Blueblood, you'll get hit!" Twilight said.
Chrys shook her head. "This gun was made to kill Gears, Bloomers, you'll be vaporized!"
"The thought had occurred to me, yes but if I let go, you'll be destroyed."
"Blueblood…" Shining and Cadence echoed.
"Blueblood, get the hell out of there!" Dan yelled. "We'll ditch the library! Just get out of there!"
"Then there won't be anything left to stop this ship with. No, this is the only option." He gripped the controls tightly, grinding against the force of the other machine. KING was losing the battle to hold the ship in place, its leg jets struggling to maintain the force. "Fire the cannon! Take him out!"
Dan slammed the ion cannon's console with both of his fists.
"Careful," Blast Fuse cautioned. "We just got done fixing that."
"There's got to be some other way!" Dan yelled. "Shield the house and… or we could try to…" his mind raced with the possibilities, searching for an answer. He looked at all of his friends. They stood behind him, the same message in their eyes.
Phoenix stood rigidly next to Dan. The taller human put a hand on his shoulder, his other hand clenched in a ball. Tears fell from Phoenix's tightly closed eyes. "Blueblood…" the lawyer said. "Why are you doing this? What are you trying to prove?!"
"I'm not trying to prove anything, Mr. Wright. This is my decision. I… I don't know if it makes me a hero or not. But I… I thank you, thank you all… for helping me make it."
"Blueblood…"
"Fire…"
"Blueblood!"
"Fire!"
"BLUEBLOOD!!"
"NOWWWW!!!"
Dan hit the button. The cannon fired. A blue bolt of ion energy erupted from the cannon, a massive ray of energy. It struck the U Mad Bro square in the bridge. The ship's power systems all exploded in a shower of sparks. That was the thing with ion weaponry- they were non-lethal to electronic components and only disabled things. They caused no damage… unless damage had already been done.
The engines of the ship exploded and the huge Miranda-class began to tumble through the air, propelled by all of its overloading thrusters. The weapons console Gust Grasp held onto exploding, scorching his talons black. He was blasted to the bridge's ceiling onto his back. The g-forces exerted on him pinned him against the ceiling. As the ship tumbled, he watched as the viewport cracked into static and erupted into flames.
"Well played," Gust said. "Well played… Zen, if you can hear this, they got me. They're clever, more clever than I or any of us realized. I may have been a bit overconfident… but they're definitely more crafty than we thought," he smiled. "They got me, Zen. You're up next, general. Good luck- you're gonna need it."
Elite Bosses The Invisible Raider- Sky Marshal Gust Grasp The Invincible General- General Zen Zeal The Indecipherable Spy- Admiral Sonar Scope The Breaker of Harmony's Balance- Vice Grip Darkest Threat- The Director
"Brace! EVERYBODY BRACE!!" Dan yelled.
The ship's bow dipped low at the treehouse, too low. Shining, Twilight, all those that could produce a shield did and summoned one just before the front of the U Mad Bro could hit the library. It bounced off the final fluffy shield, grazing it but not breaking it. The ship continued tumbling end over end. Powerless, Magic Gear KING clung to the ship's bar, blocking any attempts to fire stray photon torpedoes with its own body.
The ship tumbled into the Everfree Forest, breaking through the tree line. It broke through dozens of trees, finally scraping against the ground. KING did not let go of the stabilizer bar. The Gear was smashed into the dirt between the weight of the ship and the ground. It exploded, breaking off the ship's bar. The U Mad Bro's bow plunged into the dirt and broke off, tearing the entire ship in half. It finally came to a rest somewhere in the Everfree Forest, quite near where Dan first landed and exploded in a ball of fire.
The explosion of the cruiser was massive. It could easily be seen from Canterlot and might even have gotten close to Cloudsdale- had there still been a Cloudsdale for it to get close to. The force of the blast was so powerful it rocked the Golden Oakes but did no damage.
Dan and company were huddled together and held each other tightly until they were all sure it was safe. Then, they held each other for several long moments after just because.
"Everybody okay?" Dan asked.
"We're okay," Chrys answered. "We're all here."
None of them said a word after that. They all bolted out the door as quickly as they could. They ran, flew as fast as they could. They didn't stop until they reached the crash site.
The Everfree Forest, as thick as it was with magic foliage, provided a stable buffer zone between the fire and the town. Derpy and Rogue Squadron quickly went to work dousing flames and dropping water on the fire. Even as Dan and friends arrived, the flames were already contained.
"I don't see it," Dan said, looking around the wreckage.
"Don't see what?"
"Kingsley, I don't see Kingsley yet."
"Here- wait! Here it is!" Shining said, holding up something. "Or… at least here's part of it." It was a golden panel, part of the Gear's armor.
"Back here! There's more of it back here!" Twilight called.
They picked through the parts and pieces of the ship's stabilizer bar, finally finding Magic Gear KING. The remains of the robot were burned and still burning, only small parts of its golden hide still showing through the flames. Fluffle Puff couldn't look at it. Chrys held her.
"He… he couldn't have survived that," Shining said. "Blueblood… he sacrificed his life to save us all."
"I… he…" Dan stammered. He was overcome with emotions he seldom felt in small amounts. Now, they were coming in droves, flooding his entire body. A single tear rolled down his cheek. He was at a complete loss for words. He balled his hands, broke down to his knees and yelled,
"BLUEBLOOD!!!!!"
A voice echoed back. "What?!" They all looked up in its direction, back to the remains of the burning ship. "Did you really think you could get rid of me that easily?"
Bruised, blackened and mane a disheveled mess, Blueblood walked out from the flaming wreckage with a beaten Gust Grasp on his back. The ship exploded behind him as he walked, blowing his hair to one side.
"Blueblood!!" they all yelled. The entire group ran up to him.
The prince huffed. "I hope everybody got a good look at that… because I have no intention of ever doing it again."
"Bloomers, you pompous SOB," Dan slapped him on the back.
"AUGH! Please… no touching," Blueblood winced.
Twilight gave him a hug. "Blueblood, you really had us worried there. But you saved us! You saved Ponyville, you saved Equestria, you saved, well, everypony!"
The prince gave her a modest smile. "Twas a group effort, your highness. We all played our part for princess and country."
"And it was a huge effort," Phoenix said. "You helped us out in a huge way, Blueblood. You were a real hero."
"Eeyep," Dan nodded, slapping him on the back again and making him wince. "Ya really saved our hay bacon back there, Bloomy. Thanks for taking one for the team… in more ways than one." For some reason, Chrys started drooling at the sound of that.
"Hooray…" a dazed Gust Grasp said, strapped to Blueblood's back. "The Powerpuff Girls saved the day again! Woo~"
"Would someone please get him off my back?" Blueblood asked.
Phoenix and Dan obliged, removing the incapacitated griffon.
"Thanks," Blueblood said, smiling. "Now if you don't mind, I think I'll pass out." Before they could say anything else, the prince teetered to one side and collapsed. High above them, the All of My Yes slowly edged into view.
Dan and the rest of the gang dragged Blueblood and Gust Grasp back to Ponyville. The city looked changed to all of them. It was as if the remains of another city had been destroyed over Ponyville and then rained down upon the town, which could've been true given the circumstances. When they reached the edge of town, they all paused for a long moment, gazing out at it.
"I barely recognize it…" Chrys said.
"Recognize what?" Twilight asked.
"Anything."
"It's gonna be all right," Dan said resolutely. "Gonna take a lot of tape but… we'll fix it. We'll fix all of it."
"We should start with the residential areas first and repair the damage to ponies' homes," Phoenix said. "After that, we work on restoring what we can to the city's infrastructure." (Thank goodness Derpy and those pegasi showed up; we're going to be using them a lot until things get fixed.)
Twilight nodded. "We also should work on clearing the roads," she lowered her head. "I can't help but feel partly responsible for this… the ion cannon made all those ships crash in the first place."
"Would've been worse if we hadn't," Dan said. "Chicken nugget here would've picked the whole town clean."
"He's right, I would have," Gust said, tied up to Chrys' back. "And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids… and your gun."
Dan grabbed the bird by his head plumage. "Another cluck out of you and you'll be in a pot of broth with noodles, comprendo?"
The griffon, upside down, looked up at Dan through still-dazed eyes. "You get that I'm part of a race of mythical creatures, right? All these chicken jokes don't really make any sense."
"Mythical my ass," Dan said, glaring back. "We'll see how mythical your race is when I use you for some homemade Campbell's Chunky."
Gust picked his head up to look at Twilight and the others. "Is this guy going to threaten me every other sentence?"
"Probably," they all said back simultaneously.
"Ah," he laid back again. "So it'll be just like visiting my in-laws. Wonderful."
"They sound like nice folks. Maybe we'll invite them over for soup," Dan said. "After the town's fixed. C'mon," he said to them all, "let's get there before any more wayward chickens show up."
The group got home with ease and were thankful that the library was still unscathed when they arrived. Most of the griffons' wrecked ships were lodged in Blueblood's burned-out skyscrapers and structures or on the ground. Very few of the ponies' houses or residential buildings were damaged but a few had the roofs eaten by trained parasprites. All in all, they were lucky the damage hadn't been worse. Blueblood's tacky designs combined with sheer dumb luck had saved Ponyville from destruction.
Blueblood regained consciousness just as soon they neared the Golden Oakes. "I… don't think I've ever been quite as delighted to see a library before," the prince said, tied to Shining Armor's back. "I'll have to commission somepony to build more of them."
"As soon as you're done paying off the damage to the town," Twilight quickly said. "We're going to need supplies, materials and equipment. I'm sure what's left of your monarchy can pay for it."
The prince smiled. "My dear Princess Twilight, a gentlecolt always picks up his tab."
"We'll be sure to remember that when we come across one," Dan said flatly. It drew a few chuckles from the others, including Gust. "For now, you'll be picking up the check for this mess."
They noticed a crowd surrounding the library as they came close. As they neared the entrance, they began to hear a familiar voice projected to the gathered ponies.
"…and as to the question if something like this could've been avoided, I believe we all know the answer." None of the audience did; ponies looked at each other, asked and shrugged.
"Motherbucker," Dan said.
"Is that-" Chrys asked.
"Yeah," Twilight said. "I think it is."
"MOTHERBUCKER!!!!!" Dan yelled. He broke into a sprint and rounded the library to the front entrance, the others hastening to catch up to him.
"You all know- we all know, that we can do better. That we DESERVE better, don't we? And if the princesses cannot deliver, then it is time for somepony who can. Somepony we can trust."
"VICE GRIPPPPP!!!" Dan rushed the scientist while his back was turned and dove at him.
"Or at the very least somepony who isn't so predictable." Dan flew through the space Vice had been occupying and crashed into the dirt. When the dust cleared, Vice had his boot on Dan's neck again. "Stupidly predictable."
But Dan was ready for him. He grabbed the stallion's coattails and ripped them down. "AHHH!" Vice fell onto his back and for a brief second, the two were fighting in the dirt in front of the library.
"ENOUGH!" Vice yelled. He technoported to the side, Dan technoported with him but the scientist used the brief moment to dislodge him. Dan was pushed off and the lab coat ripped in his hand, a portion still in the human's grip. "You bucking sociopathic savage!"
"You're one to talk," Dan said back, throwing the scrap of cloth on the ground. "You're the only one around here that's predictable! Every time we turn around, you're trying to brainwash everypony with your big 'I have a scheme' speech! No one's buying your better mousetrap BS, douchebag!"
"HA!" Gust laughed. "I like this guy now!"
"Vice Grip!" Twilight stepped forward, "You've committed acts of war against Equestria! Against the Crystal Empire, against my family… and against me." She turned to Dan. "I think it's time you were taken off your high horse. Captain Dan, arrest Vice Grip."
The human grinned. "With pleasure, Twilight. With undo pleasure."
A purple shield enveloped the bipedal stallion. Dan advanced, edging closer to him with the most delightfully sadistic grin. The shield might as well have been a revenger's red carpet, the candy store of retribution. Sweet justice, sweet vengeance inside.
Not to be. Vice stared at the approaching human, a disappointed look in his eyes. He sighed. "Pathetic. And to think I had such high hopes for all of you." He technoported again to just in front of the shield. Dan jumped forward, lunging again at the scientist. Vice held up a metal hand and a beam shot out from his palm. In an instant, Dan had stopped in midair. Another energy shield, this one steel-gray, had enveloped them all.
He clasped his hands behind his back and approached them all slowly. Behind him, many of the ponies had gotten out popcorn. Trixie was in the background snapping photos from a disposable camera.
"I'm going to spell this out for all of you: your one-tricks have gotten old, my little ponies," Vice said to each of them. "There is nothing you have in your magical arsenal that I can't duplicate through science, no spell I can't reverse engineer and no feat of arcanist idiocy that I replicate and make available for the masses," he approached Dan, got to eye level with him and put a single metal finger on his head "So, you've heard the speech and now you're getting the free demonstration. How's that for a better mousetrap?" He smashed the human to the ground using the strength of one digit.
"Arv een etter," Dan said, his entire body in energized stasis.
Vice turned around to the audience. "Besides, I wasn't asking you. Now, Ponyville, you've seen the damage that faith in magic, that faith in humans has caused. I'm asking you now to give me a chance…. give the future a chance. Equestria has been under the princesses' rule for centuries. Don't you feel you deserve a say in the matter?"
The crowd exchanged glances again. They talked amongst themselves. No longer puzzled but clearly with mixed views, they discussed things side-by-side. Friends, families, the entire town was in dialogue.
Mayor Mare stepped forward. "Mr. Vice Grip, what exactly is it you're asking? What is it you want?"
Vice smiled. "What I'm suggesting, dear mayor, is that Equestria finally make some real progress. We restore the office of Chancellor- an elected position by which a representative is chosen by all citizens of Equestria. And that you allow me to protect the town. My machines, my stable technology instead of all of this excessive, destructive and uncontrollable insanity," he said, loud enough for everypony to hear. "The magic-users will still be allowed to practice their parlor tricks. But when it came to defending and leading Equestria, it would be left to all of us here. The real power of Equestria."
The mayor thought for a long time. The crowd was silent. "You're asking us to choose between them… and you," she said.
The scientist nodded. "Look around you, mayor. Ponyville is in ruin because of one princes' decision. The destruction was worsened because of the rash and destructively irresponsible actions of one house's security system. One pony's decision and one man's… unstable, overzealous defense nearly destroyed your town. What reason could you possibly have to keep confidence in him?"
The mayor looked down at the ground. It was a decision bigger than her, bigger than any one pony. She looked across the way, beyond Vice at Dan and the others. Their faces were frozen in stasis but she could tell they were all listening, all watching her. Every eye was on all of them. Every eye was on Ponyville.
And Vice Grip grinned again. "Come now, mayor," he outstretched his hand. "You know what the right decision is. Do what's best for Ponyville."
She nodded solemnly. The older mare, glasses heavy on her brow, walked resolutely across the street. She walked right towards Vice Grip.
"Yes. You know this is the right choice," Vice said, reaching for her, palm open.
"I do," Mayor Mare said as she walked right past him. She walked right up to Dan and propped him up. Touched by another pony, the forcefield enveloping them dissipated.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm making my decision, Mr. Vice Grip," she said. "I stand with Dan." Other ponies began crossing the street to join her. Very quickly, the crowd changed positions and was now encircling the library. Every pony in Ponyville save Vice Grip was now by the Golden Oakes.
"What?" Vice asked, confused. Trixie walked by him quickly and snapped a photo right in his face. He was blinded by the flash. "AUUGH!"
The magician scoffed at Vice Grip. "Your demonstrations lack showmanship, Mr. Grip. You could learn a thing or two from the Great and Powerful Trixie!"
"AAAG! MY EYES!" Vice said, rubbing his eyes. Blinking, he finally saw the crowd assembled opposite him. "What the hell is all this?"
"It's our decision, Vice," the mayor said. "No one forced any of us to do it. We've all made our choice, though. Each one of us, everypony has decided. Despite all you've said, everything that's happened, we stand with Dan."
The scientist was dumbfounded. "Seriously? After all of this… when you know I can give you something better? When you know I can give you the FUTURE you deserve, where you will finally be heard, where you will finally be safe! WHAT IS WORTH MORE THAN THAT?!!"
"What we've got," Dan said, getting up. "Freedom… friendship… trust."
Twilight stepped forward. "Dan might be unstable, he might be dangerous, he may even be crazy… but he's our kinda crazy!" she yelled. The others shouted a resounding "Yeah!" in agreement.
"Dan had the courage to defend our town," Phoenix declared. "He stood, we all stood up for Equestria when all you're trying to do is tear us down. He cares more about Equestria than you do."
Chrys nodded. "He may be unorthodox… magic itself might be unorthodox sometimes. But we trust ourselves and those that use it, Dan, Twilight and everypony else, to give it their all for Equestria. That's why we trust them and why we always will!"
The mayor looked around at all of them. A few ponies in the audience cheered, a few set off fireworks but they were all in agreement. She looked back at Vice Grip. "Well, there you have it, Mr. Vice Grip. We trust Dan to defend us because he's willing to do anything for us."
"That's right!" Dan shouted. "And I'll do everything for everypony, too! Even the stuff that nopony thought anypony could do! And I'll do it twice just to prove a point, a third time for no reason at all and a fourth time to put a point on the point that was proven and then prove that point just to prove the point of the point that was proven! AND THEN A FIFTH TIME IF I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO!!"
"Mmm, you can do whatever you want to me, Dan," Chrys purred. "I'd love to see you prove all your points."
"And we choose to put our faith in magic and the princesses because it is our way, Vice Grip," the mayor continued. "Just because it doesn't always work the way we want it to doesn't mean it's not a good system. It's far from perfect but it suits us just fine. What we have works for us."
Vice Grip glared at all of them. He said absolutely nothing but his mechanical fists balled.
"So, I'm going to make this very easy for you," Dan said. He signaled Spike who was already at the controls in the library with Fluffle Puff. Blast Fuse and Blast Powder too aim with a tomato launcher, ready to literally paint the target. Together, the five of them marked the spot where Vice was standing and the Ion Cannon aimed down at the mad scientist. "Get. Off. My. Lawn."
Vice looked at each pony individually. They weren't confused now, weren't questioning. They stared back at him, some smiled but they were all resolute. They had made their decision. Ponyville stood with Dan and the Golden Oakes.
"You are all fools. You want to stay with your heads in the clouds, heads in the sand, heads in your foolish, ridiculous little tomes, than fine!" Vice said angrily.
"Better than where your head is," Twilight said. Her brother and Cadence slapped her hooves in approval.
But Vice smiled again. "Well, it is your decision, after all. But you might want to check in with the other cities."
And just like that, they were all confused again and concerned. "Other cities?"
He nodded. "Phillydelphia, Manehattan, Las Pegas and that's just the start. You didn't honestly think I was going to let a single, insignificant little burg like this decide the fate of Equestria, did you?" he laughed. "You can't beat the future, Dan. You'll always be a step behind."
Dan fired the ion cannon at point-blank. A large, blue beam hit the ground where Vice was standing and exploded in a ball of lightning. Tomatoes and bags of popcorn were thrown at it along with a cameo from Tom. The stallion was gone and the only thing that any of them heard was his laughter, echoing in the distance.
"Holy crap," Gust said, breaking the silence. "That guy's like Houdini… if Houdini was like an asshole used car salesman." Nobody disagreed.
"What do we do now?" a pony asked.
"What can we do? The town's a wreck."
"I have relatives in Manehattan… should I be worried?"
"Are we going to have to fix that next?"
"I know exactly what we're going to do," Dan said. He turned around to stand before them all. "We're going to fix up the town. Gust, for the time being, we're using your donut ship as a temporary Cloudsdale."
"Do I get a say in this?"
"NO!"
"Okie dokie…"
"How are we going to fix the town?" Twilight asked. "Should we use any debris from the ships?"
Dan shook his head. "No. We rebuild Ponyville just the way it was and Cloudsdale, too. Cloudsdale's made out of clouds, right? Well, we take some of the water from the lake, heat it up with those laser-thingies on Gust's ships and we get steam. Gather it up and slowly form it into clouds and we slowly build back Cloudsdale piece by piece."
"That's a great idea, Dan," Chrys said. "We can use the main griffon ship as a spoke to build the new city around it."
"It'll just be temporary until we get the old Cloudsdale back, wherever they've taken it," Dan said. "Now, let's get to work! We've got a town to fix!"
And so, they did. Piece by piece, brick by brick and building by building, they rebuilt Ponyville just the way it was. Blueblood's buildings and modifications were removed, the grass returned to its original color. Using airships, helicopters and Dan's MY-Wing, they built new clouds and towed them into position around the All of My Yes. With their sky marshal captured and tied to a chair in the library's kitchen, they were in no position to disagree. Before long, Ponyville and a temporary Cloudsdale were ready and restored to their former glory.
"All right," Dan said, wiping his hands after an 80s-stype buildin' stuff montage, "you griffons are going to function as a weather service until we find out where the rest of our pegasi are. You know what's going to happen to you chickens if you disagree?"
The entire pirate griffon congregation swallowed collectively. "Soup?"
Dan nodded. "Soup's on. You do what Derpy says when she says it or Thanksgiving comes early."
They all turned around and flew off to their deployments. "What's a "thanksgiving"?"
"Shut up and fly, Becky."
As Dan watched them fly off, Derpy swooped down to ground level. "Heya Dan."
"Oh, hey Derpy. I'm sure you could make some of your new employees/prisoners bake muffins if you wanted them, too."
"Yeah, I probably could!" Derpy said, giggling happily. "But hey, me and Edge wanted to give you something," she said, and hoofed him a package.
"What is it?" Dan said, opening it. "It's not more mail baked into a pastry, is it?" He pulled it out and realized it was thin, some kind of sash.
"It's a gift," Derpy said. "Kind of like an award. Since there isn't really a Cloudsdale right now, we figured you should have it… you know, for working so hard to protect the skies."
Dan held it up. It read in bold:
In Recognition of a True Patriot- Big Boss
He had to read it twice. "Gee, Derpy… I don't know what to say. Thank you."
The gray mailmare giggled. "Aww, you're welcome, Danno."
"What does Big Boss mean?"
Derpy held out the sash. "It's a title. We don't have a commander any more but we figured you needed a title since you were kind of like our commander now. And it's a callsign- you're the boss now!"
"Big Boss?" Dan repeated. "How about we just stick with Dan?"
"Haha, sure thing, D-Boss!"
"Derpy, that's not gonna work either. Hey, GET BACK HERE! DERPY!!!" he yelled as the mare flew away.
Twilight and Chrys looked out over Ponyville as teams rebuilt it. From the roof of the library, the town seemed to stretch out in every direction, covering the land. The library felt like the heart of something huge, something they were all a part of. After Dan was done chasing Derpy, he joined them along with the rest of the gang on the roof of the Golden Oakes Library.
"Things are looking up," Twilight remarked. Even with the massive airship surrounded by clouds, the burnt remains of ships clustered around the outskirts, she was optimistic. "Things are back on track finally."
Chrys nodded in agreement. "It's thanks to the team. It's thanks to all of us, even Blueblood in his own way."
They all nodded. "Sometimes, it doesn't matter who's in charge," Phoenix said. "We can all work together to make our home a better place. When we do that, we all lead and guide Equestria to a brighter future."
They all gathered together, shoulder to shoulder. "The only question now is," Blast Fuse said, "where do we go from here?"
"Please say we go to war. Please say we go to war!"
Dan smiled. "We took their best shot and we've come up standing. It's time for us to hit back now."
They all looked at him. "Does this mean what I think it means?"
His smile only grew wider. "My friends, it's payback time!" he rose a fist in the air and shouted, "VICE GRIP!!!"
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship… war comes to Equestria!
"They have more guns, they have more troops and they have Magic Gear! What do we have?!"
"WE HAVE THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE!!!!!!!!"
"Not for long if you keep yelling!"
"CHARGE!!!"
And it's a war unlike any other
"If we don't make it back, I want Blueblood to go next because nobody likes him."
Brother against brother...
"Why do you have a fraternity paddle?!"
"I'M GOING TO KILL THEM WITH A FRATERNITY PADDLE!!"
"That explains so much… nothing at all."
But in order to even start it, they'll need the help from somepony who knows the way.
"This is sacred ground!"
"And fire is sacred, too!"
"STOP BURNING THE SACRED GROUND!"
Next Saturday, Dan strikes back!
"Everypony, hop on the revenge train!"
"Which one is the revenge train and which one of them has the four-and-a-half tons of TNT?"
"I'll give you a hint, Nicky: there's only one train."
"*gulp*"
Episode 14: Operation Sucker Puch- Dan Vs. Daring Do! Next Saturday, the war for Equestria's future begins with a first strike! Freedom never takes a step back on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"AHHHH!!" Gust yelped as he was splashed by a bucket of cold water. "Cheesy crust! What the hell is wrong with you people?!?!" Another bucket of water hit him in the face. "GAAAHH! QUIT IT!!" He blinked his eyes, struggling to clear the water from his vision so he could see. There was only a single light coming from a bulb above him. His claws were tied behind his back by a rope, another rope tying him to the chair and a third rope tying his lower talons to the chair's legs. He struggled against the ropes, wiggling the chair and that's when he realized the chair had been crudely nailed to the floor. "What is this?! Where am I?" Voices whispered around him in the darkness.
A wooden board jabbed him in the side. "Ow!" he yelled, despite the fact it didn't really hurt. "What the buck, man? What is this crap?"
"This is an interrogation," Dan's voice said, though it had an odd reverberation. "Answer our questions, cooperate and this will be over quickly."
Another bucket of water hit him in the face. "AHHG, BLAH!" Gust yelled. "OW OW OW!" He was jabbed three more times by the board. "What is wrong with you people?!"
"Dan, do we really have to keep doing this?" Phoenix asked.
"Yes, Nicky, that's how it works," Dan said, his voice still containing an odd, reverberating drone.
"This is NOT how water boarding works!" Phoenix yelled. (Not that I've ever done it before! Franziska or one of the Paynes maybe but not me!)
Dan stepped into the light holding a cardboard tube in one hand and a wooden board in the other. He continued to speak into the tube. "How is this not water boarding? We got water, we got a board, we got your mega-tuba thingy."
"Yeah, man," Gust said, dripping. "This ain't how ya water board someone. And honestly, I'm one-eigth-and-a-half duck on my dad's side so my feathers- OW!" Dan jabbed him again. "STOPPIT!"
"Magatama," Phoenix corrected. "And we haven't even asked him anything yet. We shouldn't resort to torture."
"Fine," Dan said. He clapped his hands twice and the rest of the lights in the kitchen turned on. "But if this stool pigeon doesn't snitch, he's gettin' stitches."
"Broseph, son of Abroham, cousin to Abroheim and my aunt Brosephine, I'm your songbird," Gust said, grinning. "You want me to sing, let me get out a few bars before you claim I'm outta tune, why don't ya?"
Dan grumped. The human spun a kitchen chair around and sat in it backwards. "Alright, start singin'. Was it Vice Grip or Blueblood that hired you?"
"Woah woah woah," Gust said. "Let's establish some ground rules, shall we? You want info, I'd like to avoid any physical altercations. Maybe we could work this into a little business arrangement, who knows?"
The human in front of him was not amused. "You give us the dirt on Vice Grip and the technazi pony brigade and maybe you don't wind up in a pot pie."
Gust gulped.
"What my friend means," Phoenix said, "is that if you help us, we will help you. For the moment, you are a prisoner and the rest of the griffons are being used as a temporary weather service with your ship, All of My Yes, serving as a makeshift Cloudsdale. If you cooperate like they have, you will be granted your freedom. Twilight will allow you to leave once Ponyville is rebuilt with your remaining vessels, minus the weapons and munitions."
The griffon smirked. "You guys are pretty clever. Who negotiated while I was out?"
"Captain Clutch Clasp has taken command of your fleet in your absence," Phoenix replied.
"HA!" Gust laughed out loud. "My own nestmate takes the initiative. Alright then, I suppose I'll cooperate."
"Thank you," Phoenix said, relieved.
"No BS," Dan said, pointing at him. "Now, who hired you- Vice Grip or Blueblood?"
"Both," Gust said smiling. "Vicey paid me upfront."
"Explain."
"Ah, that part's easy. Back in the Crystal Empire, your buddy Vice paid me and two other commanders to raid Equestria. He gave us a lot of cash right off the bat, a few of his Magic Gear thingies and then promised us parts of Equestria when he was done with it. Me and my fleet were to raid Appleloosa while Zen Zeal and his zebras hit Saddle Arabia and the sea ponies under Sonar Scope hit Donquestria in the south," Gust explained. "Buuuuut… before we can do any real damage to Appleloosa or the Buffalo League, Bloomers calls us up and says he has a proposition. He hires us to be the bad guys in his little charade so he can be hero. I figured it would be a great excuse to conquer Equestria myself so, I decided to be the first to raid Ponyville," he said, smirking. "Guess we know how well that worked out."
"Wait," Phoenix held up a hand, "There are two other armies out there?"
"Sea ponies?" Dan asked. "There are sea ponies, too?"
"Hahaha, of course there are!" Gust declared ecstatically. "Sea ponies control the oceans of Equestria, have for centuries. You guys thought they were just legend but we've been fighting them for years. The ships in my fleet were designed to sail on water, too, in case we needed to take the fight to them. They're pretty reclusive, though. But they're the most technologically advanced nation on the planet. The only reason they stuck their necks out was to get part of Equestria, the place they nearly conquered hundreds of years ago."
"Great," Dan said, huffing. "Now we have to deal with sea ponies. Wonderful."
"Ehh, maybe not," Gust said. "Sea ponies go with the flow. Something about the changing tides. If you hit Vice Grip hard enough, maybe they'll switch sides like me."
"We're still debating whether or not to let you play on our side," Dan shot back. "What about the zebras?"
"Ah, them," Gust shifted. "To be honest, I don't envy you going up against them. Or anybody, really."
"Why's that?"
Gust leaned forward. "Because Zen Zeal- he's invincible. The zebras have even lower technology than you guys do. They have no ships, no planes, no electricity or internet, nothing. They don't even use guns or missiles or heavy ordinance, not even vehicles. Despite this, Zen Zeal and his zebra army have been in over a thousand battles against every nation except Equestria. Even the more advanced nations, ones with heavier firepower. And they've never lost."
"So how does he win?" Phoenix asked. "Overwhelming numbers? Tactics? Magic?"
Gust shrugged. "That's the question Equestria's been wanting to know for a long time. They call Zen Zeal the "unstoppable general." He leads his troops from the front with nothing but wooden spears and shields. Somehow though, they've never been defeated, never even pushed back. I only met the guy in person like twice and he's serus bidness. I wanted loot, the sea ponies want land but what Zeal really wants is a war." He leaned in, his voice becoming almost a whisper. "There's a rumor that he's got some kinda secret, the kind that would ruin him if it got out."
"What kind of secret?" Phoenix asked.
The griffon shrugged again. "It's only rumors, matey. Never paid much attention to those cuz hearsay ain't worth much. I never fought Zenny myself- always kept the fleet clear of the zebs even when they hit Griffonstone. But the goats under Vex Ibex fought them a lot. After their last war, Vex had to cede half the goats' territory to the zebras. So naturally, me being pirate, heard about the goats' suffering and decided to 'relieve' them of some of their wealth while they were recovering," he chuckled. "They didn't have much. But we did start hearing about Zeal."
"What did you hear?" Dan asked. "I don't care of it's rumors, just spill it."
"Keep your pants on, primate. So, a weird detail was that, when General Zeal was done mopping up the goats, he didn't head back home. Huge victory, made him a big war hero but he turns his army south and starts pushing towards into new territory. Didn't even get time to celebrate, just left in a hurry," Gust said. He leaned into whisper again. His smile was gone. "Vex told me Zeal is cursed. He can't cross the border into his own country. So like, when the territory he conquered became part of the Zebra Kingdom, he had to haul ass and fast. He'll bring ruin to his own people if he stays too long. His army loses its black-and-white stripes, becomes gray and then destroys everything. Crazy."
"That's… almost tragic," Phoenix said. "The conquerer can't return home or else he'll conquer his own people. Caesar-like, in a way. But if Zen crosses his Rubicon, he'll be bringing a dark age to his own people." The lawyer rubbed his chin. "Perhaps he brings war to other lands to save his own. Like Robert E. Lee, he cannot raise the sword against his homeland. Yet if he keeps expanding his own territory, he will run out of lands to conquer. He truly is the Unstoppable General, if that is indeed the case. He can't even stop himself."
Dan scratched his own chin. "So, why doesn't he just go somewhere else and not try to conquer it?" Both Phoenix and Gust slowly turned to the shorter human. "He could take a vacation or something. Stop being a general for a while, maybe even go home that way."
"Haha, yeah because that's exactly what every country wants- a foreign army in their backyard," Gust said, laughing. "Your lawyer's theory seems to fit; even if Zen gave up his title, everybody would still see him as a general. The guy's a living legend but it's a legend he's shackled to. He literally couldn't stop if he tried."
"Wow," Dan said. "Talk about being married to your work." *Cue retro laugh track*
"Aye. Supposedly, he's got other secrets, too. Like he wasn't always like this," Gust continued. "While ago, I heard he actually had his sights set on attacking Equestria but something stopped him around the same time the Crystal Empire reappeared. He was already to go, too but then made a beeline for neutral ground, all trey-spooky like."
"What else happened in Equestria around that time?" Phoenix asked.
"Well, I showed up," Dan beamed. "He probably got word there was a new sheriff in town and decided to hightail it outta here. Heheh, Sherriff Dan cleans up town."
Gust rolled his eyes. "Okay Barney Fife. Just remember that when Zen Zeal's knocking at your door."
They both turned to him. "He's coming here?!"
The griffon nodded. "Sure is. After he hit Saddle Arabia, he would push south-west into Equestria and link up with my fleet. With the sea ponies pushing up from the south, we would all steamroll you guys."
Phoenix looked down, thinking. "Celestia and Luna took the royal guard to Saddle Arabia. We haven't heard from them or Applejack, Rarity or any of our other friends since."
"Ehhhh… yeah…" Gust looked away. "About that…"
They both looked at him again, staring daggers at him. "Talk."
"Well, uh, first, you have to remember zebras and ponies have pretty much been on the verge of war for like, years. But me, I don't have anything against you guys… specifically. I mean, I like you guys now," he smiled, one of his teeth in particular sparkling.
"What'd you do?" Dan asked.
The griffon took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I, uh, may have captured most of your friends. And uh, I gave 'em to Vice. Pretty much gift-wrapped and everything. The Mane Six as we call 'em, minus Twilight rushed out to help Appleloosa and the buffalo after you guys went to the Crystal Empire. Celestia sacrificed herself and her big blimp to blow up Oasis City, the Saddle Arabian capital, with the zebras still in it. Tried to force them out by eliminating the water supply. At the same time, the moon one… uh… what was her name again?"
"Luna."
"Yeah, her. She lead a refugee convoy and tried to get to the Crystal Empire. Theyyyy… kinda ran into us," Gust smiled innocently. "And seriously, how am I gonna pass up a fleet of refugees? Flying a bunch of converted blimps, no real airships, completely defenseless. They were practically asking for it! And I'm a pirate! I can't pass up a target like that, handed to me on a silver platter! My crew would've mutinied! So I captured them all lock, stock, flock and barrel. Luna tried to put up a defense but hey, even she can't protect that many helpless and panicked folks. And she'd just err… lost her sister, so to speak so she was kinda stressed out."
Dan's hands were balled into fists. The chair he was sitting on had begun making noise halfway through the pirate's explanation of how he attacked a group of unarmed civilians. Phoenix's own hands had also balled into fists, arms rigid at his side.
Not knowing how close he was to being murdered, the griffon nervously continued. "The Mane Six were easier to trap once I had Luna. Hostages, that kind of leverage makes people that much more predictable. After I delivered them to Vice's base, I got the call from the newly-self-crowned 'Princess Blueblood'. And, well, you know the rest."
The board lightly tapped him on the side of the head. Dan held it there for a few moments, then tapped him again. "Can we water board him for real now?"
The lawyer had had enough. "You're going to tell us where they are." Phoenix grabbed the chair and raised it into the air, along with his captor. "You're going to tell us where they are right now!"
"AAAAHHH!" Gust screamed, helpless. "Please don't kill me! I love Law and Order!"
Phoenix's teeth were gritted. "The concepts or the t.v show?!"
"Um! Um! B-both! My cousin and I DVR it every afternoon! We watch it on weekends!"
"Wrong answer. Dan, get the ice."
"Why ice?" the shorter human asked. "We're not going to snow board him now, are we?"
"No," Phoenix answered. "We're going to make him give up our friends… cold turkey."
Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship is filmed before a bribed studio audience.
Prosperity Base, Northern Equestria
FIST's mountain fortress was so well-defended that the Enclave didn't maintain constant air patrol over it. Sure, there would be a few patrols to keep up appearances and so the pegasi had something but the base was so remote and guarded that none of the ponies there anticipated an attack. So, when three pegasi in power armor landed on the running and walked towards the base's main cargo hangar, the few ponies that did see them didn't see them as suspicious.
The three pegasi in question were not used to wearing power armor but they had practiced. In a single-file line, they marched as best they could, right up to the base's front doors. The pegasi at the rear actually ran into the one directly in front of him but quickly regained composure. The trio stood in front of the door and the lead one stomped her hoof four times. She then let out a low whistle, audible from her helmet's mouthpiece. For a moment after, everything was quiet.
All three of them stood rigidly. There was nothing but silence all around them apart from the occasional bird chirping. They were beginning to wonder if something had gone wrong, if they'd been sold out. Just when they were about to turn around and leave, the massive doors opened. Relieved, they quickly walked through.
They marched into the hangar. The sides of the huge building were series of catwalks with indentations on the floor. Each one was a station for a Magic Gear, a maintenance and deployment bay. Many of them were empty; Blast Fuse and Blast Powder's intervention in the Crystal Empire had tolled the destruction of the bulk of Vice Grip's Magic Gears. The ones that remained were the ones that he'd left behind or new ones made since then. But there were only few, some still under construction.
This was exactly what they had come here to confirm: Vice Grip didn't have the resources to build more Gears. There were a dozen or so of them, still deadly but none had Sword Spells equipped. Vice didn't have the horsepower or machine power to take on both Earth and Equestria simultaneously; the Gears had been meant to take out both. With them gone, he was forced to change tactics. Which is why the three of them had come there and infiltrated his base. They were going to kick him while he was down right where it hurts.
"Which one?"
The lead pegasus looked around. She quickly examined each gear while still walking towards the back of the room. "The blue one on the south side."
"Got it."
If the brief exchange was heard by anypony, recorded by anything, they wouldn't know what they were talking about. Until it was too late. They continued marching until they reached an elevator in the back. The three took the elevator and traveled to the different sub levels of the base. Each got off at a different sub level. None of them said a word; they knew what they had to do.
Prosperity Mainframe: Access restricted to Administrator Level Z
User: ********
PM: Invalid entry. Beginning system lockout.
User: ********
PM: Invalid entry. Lockout imminent.
User: ARIA [Enter]
PM: Access granted. Command?
User: <Command> : Master Override: Set all Safety to [Off]
PM: Processing… … Task completed: All safety systems are offline.
User: <Exit>
PM: System closed… ...
Miami Vice Grip is filmed before lunch.
Prosperity Base Sublevel 2- R&D Main Lab
Vice Grip was a very smart pony. He had to be smart because he was fighting the combined intellect of ponies on Equestria and humans on Earth. Not to mention the two humans in Equestria, though he didn't exactly consider Dan or Phoenix Wright to be his intellectual peers. They were savages, not worth bothering with. Unfortunately, Dan also happened to be the only known link to Earth so Vice couldn't exactly just get rid of him. But he had made the mistake of underestimating the humans, the arcanists and their friends. That would not happen again. This time, he would deal with them the proper way- with his superior intellect, superior technology and superior firepower.
He continued tinkering in his lab. He researched things, studied and duplicated various spells. If things were different, Vice might've been seen as a genius. A few months ago, Vice used his Magic Gears to harness the power of the sun. Just a few weeks after that, he became the first earth pony to ever teleport without the use of a spell. Just a few weeks ago, he had repaired Lightning Claw's horn before fully brainwashing him and erasing his memory. Soon, there would be no feat of magic, science or any combination of the two that could not perform.
Lightning Claw's memories had been removed and stored in a hallway next to the bathrooms on Sublevel 4. Just as Luna had copied Dan's memories, Vice Grip had found a way to extract and display Lightning's memories on a bank of flatscreen televisions stolen from a BestBuy not far from where Elise's parents lived. Vice still needed Lightning to fully understand how the Elements of Harmony worked. That was the truth of why he needed Lightning and his "brothers." And he had learned much from them. Still, Lightning had betrayed him and so punishment had to be dolled out. He would not be betrayed again, he decided.
That was when the alarm started blaring.
*Beeeew- VRAAAAN- VRAAAAN- VRAAAAN- VRAAAAN-*
"What?! Ohhhh SH!!!!T!" he dropped what he was doing, tools hit the table, rolled off and fell to the floor. An automated voice began announcing through the speakers:
"Warning: Reactor core temperature reaching critical levels. Safety systems not responding. Please evacuate."
Vice burst out of his lab into the sub level corridor. The lights in the hall were red, spinning klaxons on the roof and glowing arrows on the floor all advised whoever saw them to head to the emergency exits. The laboratory level was usually reserved to Vice and a few chosen technicians but at the moment, he should've been the only pony there. But he wasn't.
Two other ponies, pegasi exited the room across from his. They appeared to be wearing what looked like elaborate gowns, one gold and one white. For a moment, the three just stared at each other.
"Captain Springer?" Vice asked, seeing their faces from between the flashes.
"Um… hi, sir," the captain said. She gave a meek salute.
Vice squinted. "Spinner?"
"Heya… sup, boss?"
"The buck are you two doing down here? What… what are you wearing?"
The two exchanged glances. "This… this looks worse than it actually is."
"Is that… are you wearing part of the solar canvas?"
"No, of course not," Spinner said reassuringly. "We're wearing all of it."
"We, uh, well… you know how there's the Grand Galloping Gala? Well, we were thinking of having one here," Springer explained.
"And we needed some real styling dresses, know what I'm saying?" Spinner said, holding up the hem of her gown. "We call this look 'miliflary' because, it's like really stylish and formal but you can also wear it on the battlefield or like during a security detail. And we're working on a black one for black ops that's really awesome."
"Really awesome! AND it will go so great with this headband I want," Springer added, nodding.
"Warning: Reactor core temperature reaching critical levels. Safety systems not responding. Seriously… you guys might want to stop screwing around and get on that. You know, before this whole base blows sky-high? Sometime today would be nice."
Vice's fists balled. "Both of you, command center, now," he said in a teeth-gritted rage.
"Yes, sir," they both said, breaking from the world of fashion and returning to the world of paramilitary ultranationalistic-ideological extremism.
The elevators were disabled, forcing them to use the stairs. They traveled as quickly as they could but were slowed by the high-heeled horseshoes the two Enclave mares were wearing. Vice did his best not to ask what piece of expensive military equipment they'd made their shoes out of.
Explosions rocked the base. Power conduits, junctions for regulating energy, were beginning to overload. The lights flickered overhead with each distant blast. If the detonations reached the warhead storage or the silos, the entire base would be a crater. There was not much time.
They entered the command center. Naturally, they were the only ones there; the others had already evacuated in a panic. The room itself was large, similar to the impromptu one they constructed in the Crystal Palace during their brief occupation. Vice went to the nearest console and ripped out the chair. "Someone disabled the safety systems," Vice muttered angrily. Springer and Spinner were hovering over his shoulder. "Why are you two not at the ops stations?!"
"Warning: Reactor core temperatures reaching… you know what? If you guys haven't gotten it by now, I can't help you. You're on your own." *sound of door opening and shutting, car door opening and shutting and tires screeching as car speeds away*
Spinner looked up at the speakers, confused. "Did… did the automated voice just… leave?"
Vice pinched his brow, slammed his fists on the desk. "WILL YOU TWO NIMRODS GET ON THE OPS STATIONS BEFORE THE BASE EXPLODES?!?!"
"Gah! Uh, sorry boss." The two spun around and quickly got on a pair of the other terminals. "Um… what exactly is it you want us to do?"
"Find out who's responsible for this!" Vice raged. "I'm resetting the primary safety now." He keyed the commands into the console and the lights returned to normal. The alarms stopped blaring, the base became stable again.
They all waited, listening silently. "I don't think the automated voice is coming back," Springer said. "Was that voice a real pony or… some kind of artificial intelligence or something?" Vice slowly turned his head, fixing a cold stare upon her. "Do… do we know?"
"Hey guys?" Spinner waved her hoof, "I think there's some ponies stealing a Magic Gear."
"WHAT?!" Vice Grip immediately got up and stomped over. "Where? Where do you see that?"
Spinner pointed at her monitor. "On the screen where it looks like there's some ponies stealing a Magic Gear."
Sure enough, a live camera feed displayed on the screen, showing them a view from a high corner of the hangar. Three ponies were climbing into the cockpit of a blue pegasus gear- Unit 473 ARC, ACE's big sister. The Gear's eyes lit up and blinked; whether piloted or not, they still had minds of their own. However, they weren't programmed, trained or told specifically for that matter to obey only Vice and his pony cronies. So when the three infiltrators simply climbed in, ARC thought it was just another routine patrol.
Operating on manual control, the Gear's hooves moved. Its powerful legs and frame easily broke free of the maintenance arms blocking it and ducked underneath the catwalk at neck-level. Its massive, metal filly tail scraped the underside of the catwalk, bending the railing at an awkward angle. The robotic utility and repair arms were smashed to pieces, some exploding harmlessly against the Gear's metal hide. The pilots pushed her forward, walking her into the center of the hangar and turned her towards the door.
Vice's jaw dropped. "They're launching her. They're actually going to launch her." On the screen, ARC's wings had already deployed. The jets around each of her hooves began to flare and the machine began to rise.
"It's all right," Springer pointed, "there's no way they can get past the doors." The hangar doors were closed and there was no way the infiltrators had a key. From the command center, Vice Grip could lock down the hangar, seal it off so they couldn't get out. Without the proper clearance or command, there was no way they could open the doors.
So, they blasted right through them.
The guns on ARC deployed and fired. The cannons on its shoulders, joints and sides shot wildly, missiles flew off at random angles. Some struck the ceiling, a few hit the walls near the other Gears, others struck the Gears themselves. Fires spread out, causing the sprinklers to activate. Finally, the three infiltrators learned how to aim the machine and directed its missiles at the door.
Vice's stomach turned cold. "Hangar. Now." He got up, activated his own jets and flew out of the command center through the doors. Springer and Spinner followed him closely, still in high heels.
ARC continued firing until both doors were nothing but smoldering debris. The pilots then engaged its engines and the machine burst out of the hangar, flying at full speed.
The mad in more ways than one scientist and his two fabulous cohorts arrived in the hangar just fast enough to see the glow of the Gear's jets in the distance. At full speed, there was no way they could catch them. Vice stood for a long moment, the sprinklers hitting hitting him, alarms still blaring but otherwise, silently.
Spinner, being the mare she was, patted Vice on the back. "Ey, boss, chin up. We still got like," she looked over her shoulder, "Uhhhh… at least eight Gearies left."
As if on cue, one of the other Gears, a pink one, stepped closer, curious. "If she gets to leave, I wanna leave, too."
"I want ice cream!" another one shouted from the back.
"Viiiiiiiiiice! One of ARC's missiles hit me in the eye! And I want ice cream."
"Oh, shuddup, AMP. You're too fat as it is."
"I AM NOT! I only weigh six-hundred and forty tons!"
"Twenty tons more than the rest of us."
"My munitions bay is bigger, it's in my design! My storage has extra capacity for ammo!"
"Yeah, but you store cake in there, fatty."
"Shut up, AXE! You're just jealous I have a satellite imagery telemetry analysis rangefinder and you don't!"
"No, I'm not!"
"Ladies! Ladies!" Springer flew up to their level. "You're all pretty AND deadly now can we please worry about getting your sister back?"
"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Spinner chanted. Springer glared at her, which only made her giggle. "Oh come on, that was too easy."
"Girls," she said to them, "What do you say? Want to stop fighting so we can look for your sister?"
The Gears looked at each other, exchanging glances. The sprinklers stopped finally and the alarms stopped. They then turned back to Springer. "Can we get ice cream, too?"
"I want a dress like that. Is that solar-polymer dioxisyncroceramicnovanucleic? Because I was thinking of upgrading my main from paradyson fiber to syncroceramic alloy and if I get a dress like that, I was wondering if I can still go out into the rain without it causing a potential point-oh-oh-oh-oh-one-point-five loss in drag reduction in flight."
Springer blushed. "Yeah, it's just something we kinda threw together. It mean, it rides really high in the back but it's kind of flashy and I just love it."
"It's really pretty. And it seems like it would be tactically efficient during an engagement with combined solar EMP and small arms/incendiary weapons. And it's really pretty."
Springer's green cheeks turned even brighter red. "Thanks."
"Ahhh, see boss?" Spinner asked, leaning casually against Vice Grip. "It's gonna work out. We still got plenty o' Gears so we'll be all right."
Vice looked at her without turning his head. "I'm going to kill you all and bury you under my mountain fortress."
Spinner removed her foreleg from Vice. "Somepony's grumpy."
The scientist did not respond. He activated a button on his gauntlet and after a few moments, a familiar face appeared. In a burst of electricity, Lightning materialized before them. He kneeled in front of Vice. "By your command."
"Seal the base. Nothing gets in or out."
"By your command," Lightning replied stoically. There was something strange about Lightning Claw. For one, his horn was fixed… or it had been replaced by a metal one. Him never having been a real alicorn, it was impossible to know. Likewise, his wings were covered in steel and bolted to his hide, a set of electrodes on each of his hooves and the end of his tail. Finally, he was wearing a black bodysuit and his mane had been cut shorter. He seemed like a combination robocop, terminator and frankenstein's monster all rolled into one.
"Wait," Vice held up his hand. "Turn around." Lightning did so without question, without making a sound. "Take a good look at our friend, Mr. Claw. Mr. Claw is something… new, the result of the latest efforts into understanding and reverse engineering the arcane. Note the eyes," Vice pointed. "All of his senses are linked into the main computer here in the base. Everything he sees, smells, touches, hears, even tastes, is recorded. Every thought, feeling, an idea, if he's hungry, we know it before he does."
"So… biomonitoring?" Spinner asked. "Is that like, out of Star Trek or something?"
Vice shook his head, smiling. "It's not out of anything. Because his senses are entirely recorded. He remembers what we want him to. He knows what we need him to know. His mind is on a series of interchangeable CDs in the mainframe next to the Abba album and our copy of How Stella Got Her Pony Back on Blu-Ray. What is useful to him is broadcast through the base's relay via encrypted signal. What is not useful, what is irrelevant to the mission, any and all… distractions," he snapped his fingers right in front of the stallion's face. Smacked him in the muzzle. Lightning didn't even blink. "…are eliminated."
Springer swallowed.
Spinner also swallowed, then said, "I… didn't know we had a copy of How Stella Got Her Pony Back."
Springer turned to her friend. "THAT'S what you took from that?"
"What this means," Vice interrupted, "is that if you screw up, if you are not efficient, you will be made more efficient. If you use incorrect judgment, your ability to discern is replaced. If you use improper logic, your ability to reason will be removed. If you use poor problem solving skills, you'll find them to be involuntarily upgraded," he looked at both of them, his eyes just as cold as Lightning's. "If you think for a moment that you can double cross me… well, let's just say, we have plenty of CDs."
The two mares were stunned silent. The Magic Gears were stunned silent. None of them moved a muscle. The consequences were too grave to imagine.
But naturally, Spinner couldn't handle that for long. She sniffed. "Please don't downgrade me!"
Vice sighed heavily. "For the love of… I'm talking about cyborgizing you and storing your brain on a bunch of DVDs!"
"CDs."
"CDs!" Vice yelled. "Doesn't that mean anything to you!" He nudged Lightning.
"Beep boop. I am still a robot," Lightning said.
"Did I say you could talk?!" Vice raged.
Lightning shrugged. "How am I supposed to know? I'm a robot and you downloaded my brain onto a bunch of DVDs."
"CDS!!!"
"Whatever. Beep boop."
"And you're not a robot!" Vice continued. "You're a cyborg!"
"What's the difference?"
"ARRAGGGHH!" Vice entered into a fit.
Behind them, the Magic Gears watched the group argue, tempted to try to use their lasers to make popcorn. "Why is it that this story has a really random and silly part and then a really serious part followed by another random and silly part?" AXE asked.
"This story has serious parts?" AMP counter-asked. "Does the audience know?"
"I'm not even sure the author knows."
Two electric bolts hit the conversing Gears. They both immediately lost power and collapsed in a heap, shaking the hangar. Springer and Spinner flew up, taking off in a startled flight. They turned around, looking at the smoldering machines. It didn't take them long to find out what had caused it; smoke trails rose from Lightning's hoof electrodes. His expression was stoic once again.
"Forgive Mr. Claw," Vice said, patting his associate on the shoulder. "There's still a few kinks to work out in his new situation, his new programming. Anyway, the guy writing this story might not know, but I certainly do," Vice looked directly at Spinner and Springer. "Make no mistake, I'm very serious. You screw up, there will be consequences. I can magically eviscerate the parts of you that are holding you back. If you're not useful to me, I'll make you into something useful. The hard way. Is that clear?"
The two mares nodded. "Yes, sir."
"Good," Vice said, walking around Lightning. "The two of you are with me. Call in the rest of Raptor Wing from their evacuation point. We are going to get ARC back."
Back at the Golden Oaks Library, Twilight and the rest of the gang were just getting home after visiting the mayor. They were all carrying supplies, food, water, ammo for the house's security system and other materials and goodies for the war. As they entered the door, still talking amongst themselves and heard the screams of Gust Grasp from the kitchen.
"AAAAAHHH! AAAAAHHH!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
"Sounds like Dan and Phoenix are having fun," Chrys said.
"Yeah, sounds like they might be having some trouble getting him to cooperate," Twilight commented.
"Are we worried about Gust?" Shining asked, carrying in supplies.
"AAAAHAHH!! IT'S SOO COLD OHMAIGAWD! IT'S LIKE A THOUSAND BRAINFREEZES AT ONCE SOMEPONY HELP ME!!!!"
"Nah," Twilight replied. "I trust Dan and Phoenix. They'll be fine."
"PLEASE SOMEPONY THIS IS INHUMAN!"
They entered the kitchen and began putting away the supplies. "Hey Dan, hey Phoenix," Twilight and Chrys both said.
"Oh, hey guys!" Dan said, happy to see them.
"Hey guys," the lawyer said, busy holding the still-tied up griffon in a sink full of ice. Gust Grasp's head was half submerged in the sink, forced against the ice.
"So, how've things been with Gust?" Twilight asked, casually opening the fridge to store things.
"Oh please, please purple pony, help me! Your friends are-AAAAHHH!!" Gust screamed as Phoenix dunked him again.
"Going good," Dan answered, also casual. "We're asking him where our friends are now, what happened to the princesses and the others."
"Oh, that's a good idea," Twilight remarked. "I've been worried about them ever since we left for the Crystal Empire," she said, sounding remorseful.
"I know," Dan said. He patted her on the shoulder. "We'll get 'em back. We'll get 'em all back, and then, we'll teach Vice Grip a lesson. Together."
Twilight smiled as he ruffled her mane in a big brother way. "A lesson he won't ever forget?"
Dan grinned back in his traditional mixture of crazy and cunning supportiveness, insdanity. "A lesson nopony will ever forget. Because it'll be that violent. And also because we'll take snapshots."
"Do they make an instagram for revenge? Revengstagram?" Chrys asked.
"We could make one right now," Dan said happily, taking out his camera to take a quick picture of Phoenix and Gust. The lawyer was now holding the chair by its middle, dipping the captive head-first into the ice.
"PLEASE STOP- THIS IS SO UNETHICAL!!!"
Twilight shrugged. "I trust you enough not to question your methods, Dan, but this is kind of unethical."
"It can be more unethical," Dan replied, still happy. He went to the sink and turned the garbage disposal on. The moment the ice started grinding, Gust screamed and didn't stop until Dan shoved a zap apple into his mouth. From the fridge, he tossed in some strawberries, diced pineapple, mango, lime into the ice.
"Uh, Dan?" Phoenix said, "I'm just trying to give him a brain freeze, not make him into a griffon milkshake."
"Smoothie, Nicky. Griffon smoothie. There's no milk or ice cream in there so it's just a nice, healthy fruit smoothie," Dan remarked. He leaned in close to Gust and added, "with a shot of protein."
"Dan, come on," Chryssie moved over to him. "Don't you think this is unethical enough already?"
The human rubbed his chin. "I can top it."
Twilight giggled. "With kiwi, I bet."
Dan slipped beside Phoenix's legs and pulled open the cabinet under the sink. He removed the pipe connecting the sink and opened his mouth under it, awaiting smoothie.
"Thppp! Thppp! Thppp! Thppp!" Fluffle began chanting, which translated to: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
"Hahaha," Chrys laughed. She turned to the audience. "Ain't hey a riot, folks?" She walked over and opened the kitchen door. "And now, for the musical portion of our interlude, here's Colress from Team Plasma in a tribute to Corey Hart's 1984 hit, "Sunglasses At Night." Enjoy!"
Black Glasses At Night(Sunglasses At Night Poke-Parody) Performed by Colress and The Shadow Triad
I equip my Black Glasses at Night So I can, so I can Power up Dark moves like Crunch and Bite I equip my Black Glasses at Night So I can, So I can Increase the strength of all of my Dark-types!!
Why, she used Teeter Dance on me It's a move that confuses me so I eat a Prism Berry I U-Turn to her and say:
Don't use Leaf Blade on a Masquerain, oh no Don't use Thunder Wave on the guy in shades, oh no~ He'll Synchronize it Cause he's got it made with his Giga Drain, oh no
I equip my Black Glasses at night For the STAB, for the STAB And to one-shot all those low level Ghost-types I equip my Black Glasses at night For the STAB, for the STAB! Just hope they don't use Future Sight!
Why, she used Zen Headbutt on me I flinch and lose a turn easily but I have Steadfast ability My Speed raises and I say~
Don't try to use Bonemerang on a Masquerain, oh no Don't use Night Daze on the guy in shades, oh no It's not very effective You think you can train like the guy in shades, oh no But maybe you'd like to Link Trade for the guy in shade's Ho-Oh?
I say, I equip my Black Glasses at night I equip my Black Glasses each fight I equip my Black at night! I Fly to you! I equip my Black Glasses at night I equip my Black Glasses each fight I equip my Black Glasses at night
The gang applauded Colress and his band from inside the house. The blond scientist himself smiled and gave them a polite bow, as did the Shadow Triad before vanishing into obscurity once again.
The musical number was apparently all Gust Grasp could stand. He spat out the zap apple. "I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK! PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP!!!"
"That's all I wanted to hear." Phoenix pulled the griffon out before the ice cubes shifted and the first fruits hit the disposal blades. Gust was never in any real danger; the sink was too small for anything bigger than one of the ice cubes. The lawyer set him back on the ground. "So, where are our friends? Where are princesses Celestia and Luna?"
"I don't know for sure," Gust said, still catching his breath. "But my griffons, my crews, they hear things. And Vice, he's been experimenting with the Elements of Harmony."
"Eeep," Twilight piped. She was responsible for the Elements, especially now with her friends missing.
"Relax," Dan calmed her. "They're still in the closet."
Gust nodded. His feathers ruffled as he tried to cool himself down and dry off. "The-the purple guy, Lightning something, and the red guy, he was experimenting on them with synthetic harmony magic. He wants to make his own Elements of Harmony or something."
Twilight shook her head. "That's not possible. There's no other magic like the Elements of Harmony."
Dan held up his hand. "We have to remember that we're dealing with a crazy idiot in a lab coat. Just because there's something he CAN'T do doesn't mean he won't try."
"What does this have to do with where our friends are?" Phoenix asked. "Is it somehow related?"
Gust grinned. "Oh yeah. In a big way."
Twilight's eyes widened as the realization hit her first. The thought of it being impossible was overwhelmed by the sheer complexities of how it worked. So much so that Twilight could only ask, "How?"
Chrys was the second to catch on, gasping. "No, not there. They couldn't do that. Not without-"
"Uh, excuse me?" Dan raised his arm, "where exactly is it you're talking about?"
They followed his arm up and stared somewhere at a point above it, as if they could see where they were in the stars. "The moon."
Dan's face went blank. Gust nodded, nearly giggling. "It makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, if you hated the princesses, you'd want them in the only place that you knew could keep them locked up. Now, I don't know for sure if they're on the moon but Vice pretty much has got most spells figured out. He's cracking the code on every magical thing there is and the Elements of Harmony are on the list. The Lightning guy, I knew how they were looking at him- like a guinea pig. Probably why he had the horn. They want to figure out how the Elements of Harmony work, so they're making their own versions."
They were all quiet for several long moments. The sun and moon continued to rise and fall on their own, despite that Celestia was missing. Who was responsible for it was not known. Despite that they were all together and that there were so many of them, they felt alone. Lost in a battle between giants.
Again, Twilight was the first of them to pick their heads up out of contemplation. "Why does Vice hate the princesses?"
That was a question they all wanted an answer to. They all turned to the proverbial stool pigeon strapped to a kitchen chair. He grinned. "Well, that I actually can tell you all about. You see, he told me, Zen Zeal and the sea ponies all at the same time."
"What did he tell you?"
The Sky Marshal leaned forward to divulge. "Well, it was during the Director's conference, like, back in the Crystal Empire…," he said, cuing the flashback.
Crystal Palace, Northern Equestria During the Director's Conference, Like, Back in the Crystal Empire
So, Vice was all like, "Yo. The princesses' been keeping a BIG secret from all y'all for like EVER, man."
And Zen's like stone cold, man and so is the sea pony guy. They're just sitting there like, "We can hear your song, brohemian rhapsody, but that doesn't mean we can dig the tune just yet." Nodding there heads and shiz. All the while, Lightning's sitting there and he's playing Pokemon OmegaRuby like nothing's going on. And he doesn't say a word to help Vice, which I thought was kinda funny.
So then Vice is sweating because he knows he's SOL if he doesn't convince. Then, he says, "Okay, so I want you guys to take out the princesses. And I've got these sweet Magic Gears to make it easy for you guys, all you dudes have to do is use them."
Umm, question?
Yeah, babe?
Don't call me babe. Only Dan is allowed to call me babe.
Uh… okay? Heheh, why is Dan the only one that-
My question is, why does this flashback sound like Drunk History? I'm pretty sure Vice never said "dudes" ever.
I'm paraphrasing, gorgeous, just roll with it, okay?
Uh huh. Keep it going.
Thanks. So, anyway, Vice says, "Look, I know where the princesses are gonna be. And Ima lure Twilight, Dan and the bruise cruise crew to the Crystal Empire while you guys take out the princesses and their other friends. After that, you guys hit Ponyville together and we control Equestria then. You guys will split everything three ways AND you can keep the Magic Gears."
And we all looked at each other, super mob-boss style and I can tell Zen Zeal is still not convinced. The dude's made of stone and he just looks back at Vice and says, "You haven't told us your angle, Vice-i Vidi Vici. What do you get outta this?"
Vice is still trying to be coy and I'm thinking to myself, he's hiding something. He tells us he wants to get us all a sweet deal when he conquers Earth and he needs us to take care of things on Equestria. By the numbers, Vice has one army but he's trying to conquer two planets. So he needs two really huge armies. Enter the three of us- we take out the princesses and ponies and shiz for him, then he takes out Earth. Not a bad plan, right?
So then, the Director shows up to seal the deal and… that guy is a monster. I'm not even gonna mess around, man, that guy's like an actual monster. There's these things called the Faceless that feed on like bad vibes and fear and stuff and this… thing is like the last one of them. I hope, anyway. I've only heard about 'em in stories and they like, attack you when you're alone and drain you of life until there's nothing left. And they say, when you're drained, you lose like, all your features until you're just like the base model they use for ponies on the show. Then, the shadows take that model and it becomes another one of them. Faceless are the ones that weren't drawn with anything… they're what's left behind.
Anywho, it was just a story and the Director didn't appear hostile… or hungry. So we were all like, "Yeah, that sounds great. We'll pick up your Gears and then go coup de tat the pones." And then the Director and Vice leave and we helped out Lightning with OmegaRuby because the guy hasn't played Pokemon in a while. Nice kid though.
And I asked Lightning, after everybody else left, "So hey, why does Vice hate the princesses so much?"
And Lightning says, "Oh, well about a thousand years ago, Vice's dad had a plan to get to Earth but the princess and the pegasus general at the time stabbed him in the back and took over Equestria."
So I'm like, "Wow, it's a revenge plan a millennia in the making. Cool."
So I thanked the kid and walked out. His horn's real by the way.
The flashback ended. Twilight's mouth hung open, "A thousand years…?"
"Lotta stuff happened back then," Chrys nodded, remembering back. "I'd kinda know. But I didn't hang around Ponyville, you know, what with the leading a love-sucking horde across the country. Thinking back now, I probably should've paid attention to politics a little more closely."
"But, Vice is a regular earth pony," Blast Fuse pointed out. "How can he be a thousand years old?"
"Unless he invented a time machine," Blast Powder said, thinking. "Would explain all of his goofball inventions."
"No, he's an idiot, that explains all his goofball inventions," Dan stated adamantly. "Wherever he's from, we know what he's out for now- revenge. Which explains why he kept saying we were so alike…" the human paused to ponder. Vice's dad was planning on invading Earth? Could any of this be possible? If it was, it might've been Equestria that made contact with Earth so long ago, before Dan was even born. If Dan was in Vice's shoes, would he be doing the same thing?
"Uh, Dan?" Phoenix poked him. "You were kinda lost in thought there for a minute."
"No… nah, I'm all right. Okay, so we know what he wants and what this is about," Dan said, pacing again. "Vice wants to finish dear old dad's plan from a thousand-plus years ago and he's got new toys to boot. So, where do we hit him?"
"He's got bases all along the railroad tracks," Gust blabbed without needing encouragement this time. "We saw them from the air. The bottom line is, Vice doesn't have the Gears, literally, to fight both you guys and Earth at the same time. You attack his bases, he'll be forced to defend them. Work your way up the food chain and then take him out."
They all agreed it was a sound plan. "Not bad, Tweety," Dan said.
"Thanks," the griffon said, smiling. "So, can I go now?"
"What we need now," Dan said, abruptly turning away, "is something to hit these bases with. Something they're not expecting."
"Like what?" Twilight asked. "They're going to be expecting, well, us. And they've seen how we deal with their Magic Gears, too. They'll probably upgrade them or something with new stuff to counter how we beat them before."
"Hmmm," Dan rubbed his chin.
Chrys rubbed the human's shoulders. "I love it when you're plotting."
"Hmmm…" Dan continued. "I take it back. We hit them with exactly what they're expecting but more of it. A LOT more of it, more than they can handle. And I think I have an idea of what that is."
"What's that?" Twilight asked.
Dan gestured with his arms to them to form a huddle. He grabbed Phoenix and Twilight by the shoulder, with Chrys still massaging his and poking her head over his own shoulder. "So I was thinking about that ship, the one that almost zapped the treehouse," he looked across at Shining and Cadence. "What did you say that was?"
The closet-nerd couple looked back at him excitedly. "The Reliant," Cadence said. "It's a Miranda-class light cruiser, a spaceship from Star Trek."
"From Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan," Shining added. "I dunno what it's doing here but… I mean, it's just amazing that actually exists."
"Didn't it blow up in that movie?" Dan asked. "At the end? And then, somehow it combined with the nebular or something and made a… new planet?"
"Yeah!" Cadence said, her excitement bordering on Pinkie Pie-level exuberance. "The Genesis Planet! And then that planet blew up because David used proto-matter in the matrix for the-"
"Okay, calm down," Dan said. "Whatever movie it's from, it's in our backyard now," his voice became a very low whisper. "And you know what else is in our backyard?"
They leaned in closer. "What?"
He looked around, shifty-eyed. "Blueblood's Magic Gear. What's left of it, anyway. And you know what that means."
"Yeah," Chrys said, nodding and shaking Dan's head. "It means the author's using an overlapping Moby Dick-revenge metaphor because both machines were involved in revenge plots by selfish idiots out for their own gain, including when Gust tried to destroy the library. But only when Blueblood actually used his device selflessly did it actually work and save the day. So it kinda like, doubles-back three times in different themes of revenge finally ending with sacrifice by the guy everybody wanted to get revenge on, redeeming him and casting his character in a whole new light. It's pretty awesome."
Dan turned his head and looked right at her. "Did you just make up a bunch of stuff to justify why the guy writing this would have a spaceship fight a giant robot? Because I think he just did that because he wanted to have a spaceship fight a giant robot."
Chrys shrugged. "Little of column A, little of column B."
"Right, well, we're going to use A column to fix B column."
"What do you mean?" Twilight asked.
"The Magic Gear, Blueblood used it to fix stuff, right?"
"Yeah…"
"And it's sitting right next to your Maria-cruiser, right?"
"Miranda-class," Shining and Cadence said simultaneously.
"Yeah, that. So, we use the Gear to fix the Miranda-ship. Sound good?" Dan asked. They all went suddenly silent as he waited for an answer.
"That's a pretty good idea, Dan," Twilight said. "And I think I have books that can help!" she exclaimed.
The Blast Sisters exchanged a mischievous glance. "This might be a good opportunity for some upgrades."
"All right, let's get to it!" Dan said, leading them all out the door. "Let's start by getting those two engine thingies that fell off of it out of the street." As a group, they all began walking towards the door.
"HEY!!" Gust yelled. "What about me?!"
Phoenix ran back to grab him and put him on Fluffle Puff's back, still tied to the chair.
As they walked out, the door to the library opened. Derpy came flying in, carrying a mailbox. Or, wearing one; it was difficult to tell.
"Derpy!" they all exclaimed.
"Hai guys," the blonde mare said.
"Derpster! What's with the fashion statement?" Dan asked. He looked closely at the mailbox complete with mail post slung around her side. It was clipped to her along with a mailbag. How she was flying with all this was another mystery. "You know, you could use that mailbox as a pretty big battle hammer if you wanted to."
"Oh! Uh, thanks, Dan," she said, looking at it. "Yeah, it's mine. My house got blown up when Cloudsdale was destroyed so I don't really have any place to put it."
It was just then they noticed the name Derpy Hooves printed on the side of it. "Oh… we're sorry, Derpy," Twilight said. They all looked at it, what it represented. None of them really knew what to say. Derpy was carrying everything she owned.
"It's okay," she said, relentlessly optimistic. "The temporary Cloudsdale's coming along really nicely. We'll find where they took the real one real soon, I bet."
"I'm sure we will, Derpy," Chrys said, reassuringly. The changeling almost had a tear in her eye.
"That's the right attitude, post master," Dan said confidently. "We'll get things fixed and back to the way they were in no time."
"Yep, and that's what I wanted to talk to you guys about," Derpy said. She pointed out the door. "We're running low on supplies and stuff. Fixing the town is taking a lot and we need more materials, food and everything else."
Twilight rubbed her chin. "That's another problem. It's not going to be easy with the Enclave controlling the railroads."
They all stepped outside together. ""We inform greater Equestria about Vice Grip and the Enclave, warn ponies about what's transpired."
"Good idea, Nicky," Dan said. "We'll put the word out. Tell ponies everywhere, all over Equestria that we're striking back and we need supplies. We'll take volunteers, donations, anypony willing to lend a hoof."
"That's the plan, Dan!" Twilight said. "Alright everypony, let's get to it!"
Dan smiled. "Couldn't have said it better myself!" he said, chasing after her as they all rushed out to rebuild the town and the U.S.S Reliant-R. Despite the daunting task ahead of them, they all took it as just another challenge they were going to meet together.
And so, the call went out. From all over Equestria, from Appleloosa to Phillydelphia, from Manehattan to Dodge Junction and every place in between, Ponyville made the declaration: they were fighting back. Wherever it was received, whoever received it, when Ponyville called, Equestria answered. Some ponies didn't have phones or even cell phones, a few had telegraphs and the fewest remote places had to have mail delivered by what few pegasi were left. But every response came back the same: help is on the way.
With Vice Grip's grip tightening across Equestria, the railroads could not be used. Effectively, transportation was relegated to wagon, chariot, segway and hoof wherever it applied. Volunteers came from all over. Ponies like Braeburn, Cherry Jubilee, Granny Smith and even Hoity Toity stepped up to lead massive wagon trains and caravans across the now-untamed wilds of Equestria. The terrain was difficult and travel was slow but many of the ponies were rugged frontiersman who were used to such transportation. The few veterans educated the masses with Dan teaching classes on basic and advanced self-defense and preparation while the rest of Twilight and the gang handled the enormous logistics. The supplies began coming in slowly and the rebuilding of Ponyville was back on track.
Near Appleloosa, a major staging area for supplies became organized just outside of the town. In order to avoid the train tracks and potential contact with the enemy, Braeburn lead the toughest and longest of all wagon trains along with Cherry Jubilee. They traveled through the deep canyons to Ponyville with food, ore and other supplies vital to the reconstruction. The crevice, painted white at the bottom and brown on their tops were known as Palomino Canyon. Because of the length of the particular route, it became known as the Palomino Run, a critical supply artery from the outer territories to Ponyville.
Within two weeks, the supply routes were established. Dan was able to rebuild a portion of the Reliant, with the ship being rechristened the Danfiant. They were on track to turn things around and take the fight to the enemy to finally reclaim Equestria's future. It was a breathtaking display of teamwork and cooperation on an unprecedented scale as everypony in Equestria signed up to aid.
Equestria-Zebra Kingdom Borderlands, North-East of Canterlot Peace Prevails National Park, Demilitarized Zone
A fountain stood in the center of the Peace Prevails Park, a monument to the harmony between ponies and zebras. In the middle of the fountain, a statue of an earth pony and a zebra stood, symbolically shaking hooves with the zebra facing south to Equestria and the pony facing north. It was a monument centuries old and historically whose construction was one of the first actions ever taken in Equestrian diplomacy. Princess Celestia and Luna opened diplomatic relations with the zebras, building the park along with the first zebra ambassadors in the hopes of creating a lasting and prosperous future together. Equestria and the Zebra Kingdom would share the park like two great sisters sharing and caring for a garden of beautiful plants meant to inspire a brighter, more prosperous future for them both.
The park had not seen service or visitors since it was abandoned after Luna's banishment. When it became obvious that ponies and zebras would never share more than cold tension between each other, the national park fell into disrepair. Years of diplomacy and outreach between ponies and a few far-sighted zebras had been wasted; Equestria and the Zebra Kingdom were not meant to be allies. Zebras didn't import or export anything, they had no embassies in foreign countries and didn't allow outsiders in their own. Ponies and other sentients were allowed to visit, to see the golden capital of Zebrapolis rising out of the mists but they could not live there. Visits were seldom and short.
Nature had been left to reclaim the valley in which it was located and much of the ground was covered in plant life. But, isolated by the mountains, the area did not see much rainfall and had no natural source of water. The only plants that thrived were the hardiest of weeds and vines able to drain what little moisture there was from the earth. The trees withered and the ground lay dry and cracked in many areas, testament to the necessity of sentient life to help nature when she faltered. The fountain was dry, its cracked surface covered in rotting vegetation. The statue of pony and zebra bro-hoofing was also cracked, missing pieces like the pony's mane and the zebra's tail and ears but otherwise was still standing.
Unfortunately, it didn't stand up to Vice Grip's massive all-terrain vehicle when it ran it over. He would've noticed it if it weren't for the two mares sitting next to him playing with their MLP figures.
"Can you see the top of the mountain yet, Pinkie?" Springer asked.
"No, not yet!" Spinner answered in Pinkie's voice.
"I'll try to climb up the side! Maybe we can find Rainbow Dash and the others that way!" Springer said, maneuvering her Applejack figurine to climb the "mountain."
"Be careful, Applejack! I don't think this mountain is entirely stable!" Spinner warned.
Vice Grip vibrated with rage in his seat, doing his best to ignore the pony toy scaling the side of his head. He was in the middle of them, metal hands at ten and two on the wheel while his associates played with him against his will. The vehicle they were in looked like a four-wheeled box about the size of a house with a triangular cabin on the front for the driver and passengers. Called a Quadraulic Cargo Conveyor, it had been nicknamed the "mini-Shed" by most of the personnel. It was not an invention of Vice Grip's; like many other things, the Director had summoned it for him as a device to retrieve Magic Gears. If Vice had designed it, he wouldn't have put passenger space in the front of the cabin.
"Pinkie, I don't think this is a mountain!"
"Oh no, what is it?" The two figurines began to shake.
"I think it's a volcan-ERRRRGHH!"
"GHHHGHK!!"
Both figurines dropped to the seat cushions, bounced off and landed on the floor. The two mares were cut off as Vice strangled them both. He kept his eyes on the road, the steering wheel gripped by his knees and the necks of his two associates in his hands. "Now, what did I tell you both about driver safety?"
"ARRRGGGHHH!"
"EERRLLLLGHK!"
There was no way to understand them but Vice nodded like he did anyway. "Very good," he said, releasing them. "It might be one of you driving the van next time, so I want you to remember this."
"HAACKPFF!" Spinner coughed. "Ugh… you mean, we get to drive the van?"
Vice nodded.
Both mares rubbed their necks. "You know, the Flutterbirds and all the other stuff you've built are kind of… creepy, right?"
Keeping his eyes forward, Vice sighed. "Creepy?"
From the other side of Vice, Springer gave her friend the signal to let her handle it. "Well, uh, boss, you know how…" she hesitated.
Before she could finish her thought, the sound of screeching wheels cut her off. Vice slammed on the breaks, causing the vehicle to come to a skidding halt. The two mares were thrown forward in their seats, safety restraints holding them in place but pressing hard against their chests. They gasped again as the Shed came to a halt.
"There!" Vice exclaimed. He immediately unbuckled himself.
"What? I don't see an-" Spinner was cutoff as Vice climbed over her and out of the cabin.
The scientist jumped down from the vehicle. In front of where they'd parked, about fifty meters away was ARC. The Magic Gear had its back to the bark of a large tree, standing upright against it. She looked like she was playing hide-and-go-seek. All around them were withered trees and dried-up weeds, nothing else and nopony in sight.
Vice stopped, his boots crunching on the dry ground. There was something wrong here; the whole area was a wasteland. The only thing it was missing were vultures… or was it? The three culprit pegasi were still out there, maybe watching even now. Springer and Spinner joined up behind Vice.
"Positive ID," Springer said, holding up her CLIPBuck. "It's Unit ARC, sir. She seems to be operating in energy conservation mode."
Vice nodded, not taking his eyes off ARC. "Must've ran out of power and ditched her here. Or they're letting her recharge."
Spinner looked around. "You think they saw us coming?"
"If they were here, yes," Vice answered. "This could be a diversion, though. They may have been trying to hit the base while we were away."
Springer tapped her CLIPBuck. "I'm not picking up any distress signals from the base."
"This does look an awful lot like a trap, though," Spinner acknowledged.
"Doesn't matter. We go in and secure ARC as planned and get her back to base. We can't afford to lose another Gear."
"Right," both mares agreed. The Magic Gears were crucial to Vice Grip's plan, the Enclave's plan and the Director's plan. Not only were they designed to destroy, they were also made to rebuild. Using Magic Gears, Vice would annihilate Earth and build a new Equestria on it where magic was something he controlled. Without them, it would take untold millennia to build a new civilization.
That was why Vice designed them as ponies. Equestria required very specific conduits to utilize magic, ponies being the primary model. If Vice designed any other machine, it wouldn't be able to use magic effectively, turn it into something he could control with. Magic Gears were what their name suggested: just as cogs converted one form of energy into mechanical energy, so did Magic Gears convert magical energy into different forms of energy. But Equestria's magic effected them and the tiniest quirks, Vice Grip's own sentimental imprint, created something new inside of them. As a result, they took on lives of their own, effectively becoming a new artificially intelligent, robotic species.
Unfortunately, Vice also designed them as fillies around ten years of age. Their emotional minds fought with their machine processors to come to an understanding. To make matters worse, they had built-in internet access and were equipped with both conventional and nuclear weapons. Essentially, they were all innocent children with access to high-powered weapons and a global communication and information network. Their attention spans were almost too short to calculate mathematically. But they would listen to Vice Grip for a while, at least, even if they usually did daydream about candy, ice cream, t.v shows, their friends and a myriad of other ten-year-old filly things at the same time.
Vice walked single-file toward his property with Spinner and Springer hovering over him. The two kept watch while he focused on the Gear, his boots crunching under the dead foliage. When they got close enough, they realized the Gear was playing hide-and-seek.
"ARC! Activate emergency override function code: Blue Nova!" Vice called.
ARC didn't even turn around. Her head was pressed against the tree and she still counted. "-twenty-one, twenty, nineteen-"
The scientist had had enough. He activated his jet boots and raced over towards her. "OVERRIDE FUNCTION CODE: BLUE NOVA!! RESPOND!!" he shouted angrily over the blare of his own jets.
"fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven-"
"Oh, that is IT!" Vice charged at the tree, Springer and Spinner following close behind. The three of them reached the tree finally. "You think you can just ignore me and get away with it?!" he pulled the Gear's left foreleg back.
"Hey, boss?"
"You belong to ME!" Vice shouted. He put himself between the tree and pushed her off of it with his legs. "I've had ENOUGH of this insubordination!!" He then turned to Springer. "What is it?"
"Boss, she's wearing earplugs," Springer pointed.
ARC fell down to the ground, smashing into the dirt. She lay with her legs spread out in an X pattern like she was about to make a sand angel. Her eyes were still closed and two large stubs stuck out of her ears.
"What is she doing?!" Vice raged. He looked at the rebellious Gear. She hadn't even flinched when he pushed her off the tree. "Why is she still counting?!"
Something in Spinner's gut went cold. "Uh, boss?"
"Three-"
"What?"
"In hide-and-go-seek, you usually count up."
"Two-"
"And she's counting down."
"Oh…"
"One-"
Vice's eyes went wide. ARC's eyes opened.
"Zero! Ready or not, here I-"
The explosion was the first time anyone had noticed the Peace Prevails National Park in a very long time. Fire, smoke and a massive cloud of orange flames pluming into white stretched up to the sky, not unlike a nuclear detonation. The Shed was hit by the force, the cabin disintegrating in an almost an instant before the flames consumed it entirely. The dead plant life was vaporized, the cliff walls shook and caused avalanches and the ground became a smoldering crater. The fountain and the statue in the middle of the park were turned into bits of rock, more sand to add to the wasteland. The Peace Prevails National Park came to an end. Some may have thought it a fitting end, however, for it had gone out with a bang.
The smoke and dust cleared quickly, the fire having nothing to burn. Vice's shimmering forcefield remained for a few moments, then faded. He held Springer and Spinner by their tails, having pulled the two into him quickly before activating his emergency shield. The act had saved all their lives. He sat them down and landed next to them on the edge of the newly-formed crater.
"Okay… was not expecting that," Spinner said.
"That was the self-destruct mechanism," Springer said, catching her breath. "They activated the self-destruct mechanism and plugged her ears so… so she couldn't hear you if you ordered her to abort it."
Vice said nothing. He looked into the explosion, wind whipping his lab coat. Somehow, the burning rage in his eyes was far worse than anything the explosion could've wrought. It had set something off in him, something far more devastating.
"Boss… boss, we have to get back to base," Spinner said, getting up.
"She's right," Springer said. "If there's been a security breach already, they could use this to-"
"I want you to make them pay for this," Vice said, his voice like ice. "You will stay out. I will return to base and send out the rest of Raptor Wing to accompany you. You will remain deployed until I say so." He didn't ask if his orders were clear to them.
Springer patted her boss on the back. "It's okay, Vice. We'll get it done."
He continued staring into the storm of dust, ash, smoke and debris. "I know you will."
As Dan would say, revenge is a dish best-served immediately. And Dan's dish would've been a lot like Vice Grip's, probably more and more personal, if their positions were reversed. Unfortunately, Dan was more used to serving than he was being served. Equestria was ill-prepared for what Vice Grip dished out.
It didn't take long to locate the supply lines the ponies were using to transport resources. Vice ordered Raptor Wing, including Springer, Spinner and Hydra Squadron to intercept them. He had one specific instruction: supplies only. He ordered them to leave the ponies, no killing, no prisoners but blow up the supplies while they were transporting them. Raptor Wing quickly found each of the convoys and destroyed their vehicles, ripping apart wagons, carts, sleds and the like with their high-powered plasma weapons, flamethrowers and missiles. Unescorted and defenseless, the supply convoys were not able to withstand the onslaught. Every supply convoy that was ambushed was completely annihilated.
Thus, the tide turned very quickly on Equestria. Rather than vital supplies for rebuilding and maintaining Ponyville, refugees and injured ponies began arriving in droves. Braeburn, Cherry Jubilee, Caramel and other ponies that had volunteered were hospitalized. Food and medicine became scarce, the repairs of Ponyville ground to a halt. Very quickly, rationing of food and water began and morale plummeted.
Though injured, Braeburn and others would attempt to deliver supplies again. They went at night, hoping the cover of darkness would help them. But the Enclave had night vision built-in to their helmets. They tried using caves and tunnels but Captain Springer blasted them out. The riverboats and rafts used to transport resources were overturned or sunk by the Enclave's troopers- the first time Raptor Wing tested out their diving powered armor. Spinner would say, "I sunk your battleship!" after each raft was destroyed, sending earth ponies and unicorns helplessly into the rapids.
After each report, Dan would rage, sometimes would try to go out on his own to where the convoys had been ambushed along with Twilight and the others. But each time, they arrived too late. With Cloudsdale still under construction and Ponyville's shield the only thing keeping them safe, they were unable to send the convoys any escort or protection. The Enclave retained total air superiority.
The number of injured rose. Perhaps that was the true genius of Vice's plan, because with so many injured ponies in Ponyville, the strain on resources and what little food there was became even greater. If the Enclave had captured the convoys and enslaved them, it would've been less pressure on Ponyville. As it was, refugees arrived by the dozens and quickly crowded the population. It wasn't long before they found somepony to blame.
Talk in the mayor's office quickly turned to all-out surrender. Without an official ruler, Mayor Mare was in charge of Equestria and the pressure was on her to make a decision. Twilight and friends pleaded with the mayor to hold on, pleaded with the population to keep fighting. But Equestria was at the breaking point.
At the last moment, Dan came up with a plan. Using his super-charged chariot, the human made several trips to the Crystal Empire to retrieve relief supplies of food and medicine. Sam and Flash Sentry lead a huge convoy of crystal ponies directly to Ponyville using a shield spell to guard them. It was the break they needed.
Vice Grip decided to punish this act of defiance by razing the towns around Ponyville. Places like Dodge Junction, the Wonderbolt Academy and Trottingham were burned to the ground. In their places, he built new research facilities and laboratories as if the communities there had never existed.
Weeks passed. The Enclave maintained tight control of the skies but even they knew there was a stalemate. The Crystal Empire supply line remained the only one that wasn't cut and both sides new it would only be a matter of time before Vice found a way to cut it. But, it was time they used to rebuild and stabilize their position. Ponyville remained the light of Equestria, refusing to go out.
Finally, the day came where things in Ponyville were stable. That day, Dan planned his attack.
Ash Ketchum, Pokemon Trainer from Kanto, could feel it deep inside of him. The feeling, the urge to be the very best like no one ever was. It was more than a passion, something indescribable, a burning sensation that overcame all else. And today, he was finally going to satisfy that urge. Today, he would finally become the world's greatest Pokemon Master.
He made fists in his spacesuit's gloves, feeling the padding inside of his palm. Space was cold, the insulation of his suit being the only thing between him and the icy vacuum. But he and his longtime best friend and partner Pikachu were in their element no matter where they were, even in the black emptiness of the stars. Because they were together, they could do anything. Even this.
"You ready, Pikachu?" he asked, already knowing the answer. Or at least, believing he knew the answer.
"Pikaaaa…" his friend turned to him, an uncertain expression visible through his Pikachu-sized spacesuit.
Ash gave him a reassuring smile. "You can do this, buddy. I believe in you."
"Pi…" Pikachu said, turning back towards the task at hand.
Ash knew he could count on Pikachu. Sometimes, one of them lacked confidence. Sometimes, they were daunted by the challenges they faced. And sometimes, they felt overwhelmed by everything that came at them. But they knew that they would always be together, that they would always be their for one another and that their courage would pull them through. If they'd been reading this, they would also have known that that was at least the second line that was stolen from the actual theme song. And it had never been truer than it was right now, this moment, facing Earth.
"Pikachu!" Ash called, "Thunderbolt!"
"Pi-ka-CHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!" The small electric mouse unleashed a blast of electricity from its body bright enough to illuminate the space around them. From the surface, it almost looked as if there was another star high above Kanto. The electricity condensed into a bolt of yellow lightning that arced through space, piercing the Earth's upper atmosphere and dissipating as the ionosphere absorbed it.
"Alright, good job, Pikachu!" Ash said. Pikachu turned to ash, eyes heavy with concern. Ash pulled a Poke Ball off his belt, a special one he'd been saving for just this occasion.
"Now, time to see what this Master Ball the President of Silph Co. can do!" He gripped the ball tightly, shuffled his arm up to his head inside his spacesuit to turn his official Pokemon League hat around and prepared to throw. "Master Ball, go!!" he yelled and threw.
The Master Ball flew through zero gravity, propelled only by the young trainer's pitch. It tumbled in weightlessness, momentarily another satellite in orbit, another spherical body in the great fathomless depths of the cosmos. Ash and Pikachu both watched it, the young man in anticipation and the Pokemon in worry.
If he'd been off by a few degrees, the ball would've missed the planet entirely. Thankfully, the Earth was a pretty big target so it was hard to miss. The ball continued tumbling until it turned into but a tiny dot, unable to bee seen by either of them. It glowed hot as it reentered the atmosphere and picked up speed as it began to plummet all the way down.
Ash didn't take his eye off the planet. Pikachu looked back at him, still wondering about this entire situation. Time passed as the two hung there in total silence.
Finally, a single flash of light and the Earth vanished. Ash saw the moon behind it, blocking the sun from hitting them. Ash's heart began to race. These next seconds were crucial. He could almost hear it even if he couldn't see it: the Master Ball tumbling and twitching, threatening to break open and spill fourth its contents. It was a critical moment for any Pokemon Trainer, the moment after the ball connected with target and tried to contain it. It was the moment before success and failure where only a combination of fate and luck decided on whether or not the capture was successful. You could almost hear your own heartbeat, hard not to hold your breath in such a moment. It was one of the feelings trainers like Ash lived for.
And it passed as quickly as it came. The Master Ball came shooting back to him, returning to him based on its powerful scientific designs that enabled it to, and returned to the same hand he'd thrown it with.
For a moment, he was speechless. He held the ball, literally holding the world in the palm of his hand. "I… I did it!!" he cheered. "I did it! Pikachu, we did it! We finally did it!"
"Pika…"
He looked at the ball, grinning wildly. "We did it, Pikachu! We finally caught 'em all! Every Pokemon!!" He held up the ball high. "I'm finally the world's greatest Pokemon Master!!!"
"Chu…" Pikachu said reluctantly, not knowing what else could be said.
Ash held the ball high, never taking his eyes off it, holding it tightly. He brought it closer to himself, still smiling. "I'm finally the world's greatest Pokemon Master. I… I did it."
He looked at the tiny orb, the M on the top. His smile began to fade. "Pikachu… what have I done?" Panic began to grip him. "Oh no, Pikachu, what have I done?!"
A voice came through the radio inside his space suit. "Looks like you finally blew it, Ashy-boy."
His head snapped up. That voice, he would know it anywhere. It could only mean one thing, it could only be one person, it had to be, "Gary?!"
Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted it. A space shuttle slowly flew by, oddly emblazoned with Team Rocket's red R logo. From the viewports, Ash saw Gary Oak, his longtime hometown rival inside as it passed.
"Gary!!" Ash swam over to it along with Pikachu. "What do you mean 'I finally blew it', Gary? I actually caught 'em all! I finally proved I'm the world's greatest Pokemon Master!"
"Mphheh, world's greatest loser, more like it," Gary scoffed. "Sure you caught every Pokemon but you also caught the entire Pokemon League, too! How's anyone supposed to battle without anything to stand on?"
"Errr," Ash looked away. "I guess I didn't think about that."
"Of course YOU didn't," Gary taunted. "Seriously, catching the whole planet, even if you hadn't caught the whole league, you'd be disqualified for stealing essentially every Pokemon from every trainer in every region on the planet! Guess you didn't think about that either, Ashy-boy!"
Inside the space shuttle, Ash saw Gary's cheerleaders cheering him on. There was even Gary's red corvette and Mr. T along with Jesse and James piloting the shuttle. What they were doing there was anyone's guess. They, along with Meowth waved at him in the rear view mirror.
"Later Twerp!"
"Have fun being the last trainer NOT on Earth!"
"Hope you and Pikachu don't catch a cold in space!"
"Gary!!" Ash called, pounding his fist on the viewport, "You gotta help me fix this! I still have the Poke Ball right here!"
"Ha! Help you? Not likely. Gramps and I just decided to stop and say hi on our way to Alpha Centauri. Maybe on the other side of the galaxy, your stupidity won't reach us! And by the way, you don't need to weaken the target first if you're going to use a Master Ball!" Gary continued taunting. The entire shuttle broke out into laughter.
"Gary, wait!!" Ash called. "At least let me come with you!"
"There's not enough room in here for you and your loser-ness, Ashy-boy! Have fun being the worst Trainer in the solar system!! Hahahaha!!" Gary said, flying away in his pleasure shuttle, leaving Ash to eat his space dust. "And by the way, you didn't catch 'em all, pal! Take a look again!"
Ash turned around. From just behind the moon, he saw a flash of green. "Kiryararararahhh!!!"
"AHHHA!!" Ash woke up. He gasped for breath, and quickly realized he was back at the Pokemon Center in Gateon Port. It had all been a dream.
Next to him, Pikachu was getting up as well. "Pi… Pika?"
"Oh, Pikachu!" he grabbed his friend and hugged him. "Am I glad to see you."
"Pikachu!!" the small mouse clung to him.
"Hey, morning guys," Brock said, getting up from her own bed across from theirs. "What's wrong, Ash? You have a bad dream or something?"
"Or something is more like it. I had horrible nightmare," Ash said, still hugging Pikachu. "Even… Gary was in it."
"Brrrr… that does sound like a nightmare," Brock said, shivering. He took up something from underneath his pillow. "I was hoping this Lunar Wing I got from Nurse Joy would help my own dreams. I guess she misunderstood me when I told her I'd love to see her at night," the dark-skinned man said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Or maybe she was saying you'd only see her in your dreams!" a familiar female voice shouted from the adjacent room.
"Sounds like Misty's up," Brock said. "I better see if they need any help in the cafeteria, maybe get us some breakfast."
Ash walked over to the flatscreen on the wall and turned it on. "I think I'll just watch t.v for a while, see if anything's on to get my mind off… things."
"Not a bad idea," Brock said, heading out. "Hey, if you want to borrow my Lunar Wing, you can."
"Nah, I'm all right but thanks."
"Sure thing," his friend said, departing.
Ash and Pikachu sat in bed, comfortable and watched television. "I think something new to watch is just the ticket to get our minds off things, don't you, Pikachu?"
"Pika!" his partner said, getting comfortable in his lap.
"-with the current Valis region champion, Ryan Stryder and his Searpent winning with a decisive knockout. And this concludes our broadcast for this morning. I'm Barro for ONBS and up next is Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship."
"Huh," Ash said. "I wonder what region this is from."
Episode 14: Operation Sucker Punch- Dan Vs. Daring Do
The kitchen table was covered in about every assorted spice they had in the kitchen. A large cake had been placed on top of it with the words VILLAIN DOUCHE BASE scrawled on top of it in icing. On the edge of the cake, a toy Star Destroyer had been lodged in the side, simulating its crash into the "base." Dan, carrying a riding crop and wearing an army helmet, walked around the table, explaining each and every detail. The rest of the group was gathered around the table, doing their very best to pay attention. No matter how hard Dan made it for them.
"-and as with Plan J, Plans O-through-Q will involve pretending we are under attack by a swarm of angry bees and using the natural panic it insights to distract the guards at the front gates. But, in Plans O-Q, we will quickly tunnel underneath the front gates instead of pole-vaulting over them as with Plans J and K. And I know what you're thinking: this sounds a lot like Plans C2 and G3. The difference with Plans O, P and Q is that we will be using a smokescreen created by conveniently placed fire extinguishers to cover our escape. Any questions so far?"
"Dan?" Twilight lifted her head up from the table, "I really don't think we're going to get to Plan Q. In fact, I'll be really surprised if we get past Plan B."
"She's got a point, Dan," Chrys said.
"Yeah," they all said simultaneously.
Dan folded his arms and frowned. "Fine. I guess there IS such a thing as being over-prepared but nobody ever complains about it when things go south."
Phoenix pointed downward with his finger and thumb, the ASL symbol for Q. "You're on Plan Q, Dan. You're getting close to running out of letters, in the english alphabet, anyway." (Not counting the few extra plans you added numbers to.) "I don't think we can be more prepared."
"Okay, okay. How 'bout we just go over Plan A again?"
"YES!" they cheered.
"Alright, gonna go over Plan A again," Dan said. He put down the riding crop and picked up two small sauce bottles, one to represent him and one representing Phoenix. The one meant to be Dan was a hot sauce bottle with the word JERK scribbled on the front and the one meant to be Phoenix was a soy sauce bottle with the word NIX scribbled on the front. "Okay, so, to recap: the base we're hitting is the closest one to Ponyville. It's also pretty heavily guarded which means they probably don't want us to hit it, which is why we are. It's a few miles west between Appleoosa and us but we can't use the train or fly there because Vice turned the train tracks into a monorail and the Enclave controls the skies outside of Ponyville."
Phoenix quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, Nicky?"
"Why am I the soy sauce bottle?" They all turned to him. "I'm just wondering- is it because I'm Japanese?"
Dan smiled, shaking the bottle by the neck. "It's because you're the only one in the house who uses it."
The lawyer lowered his hand. "Ah… yeah, right." (I think I just stereotyped myself. I don't know if that's a new high or a new low.)
Sauce in each hand, Dan walked the bottles up to one of the sides of the cake. "As I was saying, Nicky and I will approach the east side of the base. And what exactly is our job, Nicky?"
"Uhhh…" the lawyer drew a blank.
"That's right," Dan smiled, either ignoring or oblivious to his response. "We will be providing a distraction for the rest of the group. We will pose as building inspectors coming to tell the Enclave that their base was isn't up to code," he said, putting the two bottles next the cake. He then picked up a maple syrup bottle and a jar of pickles. "Then, Twilight and Chrys are going to approach the west side of the base and sneak in," he pushed a couple of cherries next to them, "with Blast Fuse and Blast Powder."
Chrys leaned over to Twilight. "Am I the pickles or the syrup?"
"I have no bucking clue."
"Meanwhile," Dan gestured to a box of matches sitting on top of a fuzzy ball, "Spike and Fluffle will be keeping a look out from afar. Fluffle, being a master of disguise, will not rouse any suspicion and will make the perfect cover for Spike to hide behind." A drop of liquid fell from the ceiling, landing perilously close to the cake. Twilight and Chrys looked up to the roof briefly.
Dan continued with his explanation. "Once inside, the Blasties will locate the power source for the shield and blow it up."
The two sisters saluted. "It's what we do best."
"We might blow up a few things on the way to the power source."
"We might blow up a few things along WITH the power source."
"We may even blow up a few things that aren't even near the power source."
"Like balloons."
"We like balloons."
"They're nice."
"But you can guarantee the power source will get blown up when you need it to, Dan-o."
"Right," Dan said to both of them. The way they talked back and fourth, it was sometimes hard to tell which one of them was even speaking. "And that's when we bring in the MY-Wing with the rest of the payload. We blow up the rest of their defenses, take out the whole base and then build our own base right on top of it." Several more drops fell from the ceiling. "We hit 'em right in the face with a fiery fist they'll never even see coming. A sucker punch that'll make Vice think twice before he messes with us again," Dan declared, grinning proudly.
Twilight, Chrys and the others all nodded. "I think it's a brilliant plan, Dan."
"Yeah," Spike agreed. "Brilliant and it'll work, too, even."
"This seems like a great plan, Dan," Phoenix added. "It plays to all of our strengths- our ability to distract, Twilight and Chrys' skill at manipulating magic and the Blast Sisters' knack for explosives."
"Awwwww," Blast Fuse and Blast Powder cuddled up to the attorney. "He called it a knack."
"We got a lot more knacks we can show ya, Nick," Fuse said, winking.
The lawyer blushed. (Aaaaaand it's hot in here again.)
Twilight raised her hoof, or rather, pointed at the ceiling. "I think Fluffle brings up a good point, though."
"What's that?" Dan asked, holding the riding crop in both hands.
"What if it rains?"
Fluffle immediately detached from the ceiling, mouth wide open, diving for the cake. Dan caught her with the riding crop and his outstretched arm, holding her up from the table. The fluffy mare gnashed at the cake. "ARRR! ARRR ARRR RRARR!"
"No! No, Fluffle, no eating the planning diagram!"
"ARARARARARA!" She stuck out her tongue, hoping to grasp the cake with its length.
"Fluffle, down girl," Chrys levitated her back down to the floor. She smiled at her companion. "Here, let me get you a piece. Is it okay if we eat it now, Dan?"
The human scratched his chin. "Honestly, I did want to go over things a few more times, maybe make a few slides, do a few dry runs but ehhhh… I guess so. Dig in."
"Thanks," Chrys said. Suddenly, Chrys jumped at the cake and began methodically cutting it with her horn(after she'd washed it of course) until each piece was plate-sized. She then rearranged the letters to spell out I LOVE U DAN.
"Awwww," Dan said, looking at the cake. "Thanks, Chrys. But you misspelled plan."
The changeling looked confused. "Plan? No, Dan I was saying-"
"Here, let me," Dan said. Taking a cake server, he brushed the icing letter D and made it a P, then added the second L between it and the A. The second A he placed at the end. The cake pieces now spelled I LOVE U PLAN A. "There we go."
Chrys looked down. "Yeah… thanks."
Dan then held up her chin and kissed her on the cheek. "Chin up, soldier. We got a lot of work ahead of us." He then walked to the fridge.
The changeling flushed redder than she'd ever been, even when she'd changed into Big Mac. "I… I… I…"
Twilight walked over to her clearly-stunned friend. "You okay, Chrys?"
"I… I am confuse. I am very confuse right now."
"You mean 'confused'?"
"Yeah," Chrys said. "I'm having trouble with 'p's at the moment."
Twilight shook her head. "You mean 'd's?"
"Yeah. Those."
The newly-reinstalled doorbell rang at that instant. "I got it," Dan said, walking off to answer it.
Dan opened the front door to the house, expecting to either see Colress again or a pony from the mayor's office. Instead, he saw something entirely new.
"Good morning," the large reptile standing in the doorway said. The creature had orange-tan skin, wore a top hat and a monocle and was about Phoenix's height, looking just a bit taller because of the hat. "You must be Captain Dan! Oh, it's so wonderful to finally meet a human! My name is Tyran O'Saurus Tuxley, I'm the curator at the Crystal Museum of Extra-dimensional Artifacts." He extended his claw for shaking.
"Morning," Dan replied, reluctantly shaking with him. "You're a T-rex or something? And you're… from a museum?"
"I am!" the reptile delightedly took off his hat and bowed. "I'm quite a long way from my fellow Saurs near the Saur Domain but with all the political unrest lately it's been quite troublesome to visit home."
"Uh huh," Dan nodded. "What do you want?"
"Right to the chase! Yes, let's cut straight away to the matter at hand!" he lowered his head as if to whisper to the human. "I noticed that spot of bother you had with the griffons the other day."
"You mean Gust's pirate fleet?"
"The very same. You may not know this but I'm in the business of acquiring very valuable historical artifacts. I have a strong suspicion, sir, that an item of most advanced extra-dimensional origin is onboard the vessel you shot down."
"What? You mean the Star Trek one?" Dan asked. "Also, that was like a month ago. You want to talk to the chicken? HEY! I'll give ya twenty bits to eat him."
Tuxley burst out laughing. "Hohoho, I love your sense of humor, Master Dan. Eating him like a chicken, good show!"
Dan looked over his shoulder, somewhat disappointed. "I kinda thought that was what you guys do."
The lizard batted away the very thought. "Heavens no! Saurs are vegetarian by nature, Master Dan, and I am no exception though I be a sojourner in a foreign land."
"So, why are you asking about this now?" Dan said, leaning in the doorway.
"Well, you see, the moment I saw you fighting that monstrous vessel, I immediately dropped everything and had Reginald, my manservant, drive me to your location," Tuxley explained. "I was across town and I noticed the type of vessel it was and I had a feeling, just a knowing urge that within it could be an artifact I've been searching for."
Dan looked dumbfounded. "It took you a month to drive over here from across town?"
The t-rex nodded. "We did have to stop for tea more than once."
"So… it took you a month because you had to stop for tea?"
The t-rex nodded again.
"Who's at the door, Dan?" Twilight asked, walking up from behind him. "Oh, Mr. Tuxley! It's good to see you again."
The reptile removed his hat, held it over his chest and gave a short bow. "It's good to see you again as well, Miss Twilight," he specifically did not use her title. "I was just discussing with your Master Dan about a matter of some importance."
"Oh, well, would you like to come in?" Twilight offered. "The others are just having cake right now and…" Dan shushed her before she revealed their planning session. "Well, maybe now isn't the best time."
"Oh, it's quite all right," the lizard said, not the least bit offended. "I was actually wanting to explain exactly what it is I'm looking for- I have a diagram of it in the car with Reginald. Would you mind terribly accompanying me to my vehicle?"
Dan and Twilight both shook their heads. "Not at all," they said simultaneously.
"Splendid! Just this way!"
They closed the door behind them and followed Tuxley to his car. They were both a bit surprised and yet somehow not surprised to find it was a very heavily modified DeLorean that looked like it could fit at least eight. A crystal pony, Reginald, sat in the front seat.
"Reginald, I do hope you're keeping cool!" Tuxley said, approaching. "This heat is dreadful! Did you remember to charge the batteries?"
"Of course, sir. AC's working fine, Flux Capacitor and Mr. Fusion are fully charged," Reginald replied.
"Very good, very good now can you open the glove compartment and retrieve the schematic?"
"Of course, sir."
Twilight and Dan arrived just as soon as the two unfurled what looked like a roadmap at the side of the car. They joined Tuxley who held it open for them.
"This is what you're trying to retrieve?" Dan said, looking over it.
"Yes, quite a find, isn't it?"
"It certainly is…" Twilight remarked. She almost turned her head in a couple places to read it.
Dan looked at the title at the top of the schematic. "Genesis Device?" he read. "What makes you think it's on that- oh wait, that's from the movie, too, isn't it!" he suddenly exclaimed.
The T-rex nodded. "Indeed, sir. With your permission, I would look for it amidst the wreckage of the crashed vessel. We tyrannosauruses are quite the adept scavengers, I assure you."
Dan and Twilight both looked at each other. "That… might be a problem."
"We're in the middle of rebuilding the ship," Dan explained. "And upgrading it. It's not quite the same one from Wrath of Khan, either."
Tuxley rolled up the schematic and tapped his prominent lower jaw with it. "Well, that is an inconvenience. I believe I must call my superior on this matter," he turned to his manservant, "Reginald, the phone."
"Yes, sir," Reginald hoofed him a cell phone that was actually a prop from Jurassic World. He pressed a single button and somehow held it up to his ear. "Hello? Yes. Yes? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. No. No. No? Yes! Yessssss… Okay then. See you soon." He closed the phone. "My superior is on the way at this very moment. I'm certain you'll want to speak to them."
"Oh, certainly, we'd be happy to," Twilight said, a bit nervously. "Who are they exactly?"
"Ah, well, they go by quite a few different names, especially where I'm from but I think you'd know her as Daring Do."
"D-Daring D-Do?" Twilight stuttered. "THE Daring D-Do?"
"Haha, I don't imagine I know of another, Miss Twilight," Tuxley responded.
"Daring Do! The REAL Daring Do!" Dan exclaimed. "We get to meet her!"
"I know!" Twilight agreed, just as ecstatic. The two grabbed each other and began singing, "We get to meet Daring Do! We get to meet Daring Do! We get to meet Daring-"
Another vehicle drove up, its tires grinded in the dirt and interrupted their merriment. It was a box-shaped buggy of some sort, like a miniature bus with doors in the middle of the side. They opened, more like hatches than doors and outstepped a pair of purple dogs. Behind them, a third dog, this one much larger and wearing a cream-colored three-piece suit and hat exited.
Dan looked at the three of them with a mixture of contempt and disdain. "You're NOT Daring Do," he said, his voice not hiding his disappointment or chagrin.
"Heheh, no I don't suppose I am," the larger dog said. The other two took positions at his side, brandishing some kind of Tommy Gun-looking devices. The fat canine adjusted his hat in the wind and cast a smile in Dan and Twilight's direction. "Please, allow me to introduce myselves. I'm Reed Roamer."
President, Equestrian Union of Laborers and Craftsmen Reed "Big Rover" Roamer Don of the Equestrian Mafia
Dan's jas dropped. He pointed at the large dog. "You're… you're Big Rover!"
The two dogs at either side immediately pointed their guns at both of them. "Come again?"
Twilight stuffed a hoof in Dan's cheek to shush. "Dan! SHHHHHTTTIIII-hi, uh-um, what he means is, you're… a big guest here! Yes, we're um, we're so honored to have you visit us in Ponyville."
"Ahh," the dog smiled. He gave Twilight a tip of his hat's brim. "I do appreciate da kind consideration. I and my fellow business associates would be most remiss if dere was any unpleasant exchanges during our visit here."
"Yeah-he-hyeah," the dog-crony to his right said. "We'd be forced to make a little unpleasant exchange of our own, if ya catch my drift."
The heftier dog rubbed his paw on the smaller one's head. "What did I tells ya about keepin' your mouth shut, Cliff?"
"Geez, boss, I'm sorry, I- EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" Reed yanked the smaller dog up by his collar, letting him hang and whimper for a second before plopping him back on the ground.
Tuxley turned to Twilight and Dan. "You know of this fellow?"
"Not personally," Twilight said.
"He's gotta be Big Rover," Dan whispered. "The gangster from Daring Do and the Mask of Masquerade Mountain! He looks just like the description in the book!"
Twilight nodded. "Book three in the series. And he's also in Daring Do and the Cache of Castaway Canyon."
Dan turned to her. "I haven't read that one yet."
"Ooooh, it's really good. I have a copy of it in the study."
The many fans of Daring Do's novels knew that they were based on true stories. Few actually realized that they were, in fact, true stories. Every detail of the thrilling series was real, just a few of the names had been changed to avoid libeling the subjects. Unfortunately, they still very much accurately described the events Daring had with these individuals in great detail. Anypony who read Daring's books was well aware of the notorious crime boss Big Rover and his dealings in the Equestrian underworld. It didn't take a careful study to realize that Big Rover and Reed Roamer were one in the same.
On the surface, Reed Roamer was a well-respected and legitimate labor representative, an advocate for worker's rights and a defender of the middle and lower classes. He also was the president of the Roamer Travel Agency, a business that provided transportation. In reality, he was a criminal kingpin and responsible for the vast majority of organized theft and black market operations in Equestria. His low-grade transportation company concealed his smuggling activities, his position as a union boss provided a cover. Representing workers allowed him to pin the blame on any number of willful, uneducated lackeys who were often caught. He portrayed himself as the caring mentor figure who tried to help poor innocents find work and was sometimes the victim of his own generosity and kindness.
This changed when Daring Do published her first book involving him- Daring Do and the Mask of Masquerade Mountain. Shortly after its release, Reed Roamer's business was cracked down on heavily by authorities. While Roamer himself had never been successfully charged with anything, it damaged the legitimate face he had. Arguably, the book was more effective than the attempts at prosecution; other crooks became reluctant to deal with him, contacts dried up, organized crime ground to a halt. Equestria's black market had been crashed by a book.
After he was done chastising his subordinate, the fat crime boss turned his attention back to the rest of the group. "So, am I to assume that yous guys is also waitin' for our mutual friend, Daring Do?"
Dan and Twilight exchanged brief, almost telepathic glance. "Noooooo…" they lied simultaneously.
"Oh, is that so?" Reed remarked, smiling maliciously. "You just happens to be chit-chattin' about lil 'miss double-ds when me and my partners here rolled up in the joint?"
"We're fans," Dan replied.
"Mm-hmm," Twilight nodded. "We were just talking about her books. You may know of them…" she said, trailing off in a knowing voice.
Reed's smile did not diminish. "I believe I do. Ahhhhh," he sighed, throwing his paws up. "Well, I apologize for the confusion. My boys and I will now be on our way," he turned around to his car, placed a paw on the door. "But, wait a minute. Who's dis with you?" He turned back slowly and gestured to Tuxley. "Ain't you the curator of Daring's museum in the CE?"
"Meep."
"Well, well, well, the favorite fossil decided to take a little vacation, huh?"
"Fossil?!" The T-rex gasped, "Good gracious, sir, were I a lesser-developed reptile, I would be offended by such a term."
The mobster snapped his digits and the two henchmen leveled their rifles at them. Twilight's wings instinctively deployed, Reginald and Tuxley raised their forelegs/arms.
"Offended?" Reed asked. "Well, maybe you'll find it a little more offensive when we turn your car into-"
"Back off, Roamer!"
"What?" the dog paused, looked around. They all did the same and that's when Daring Do landed between them.
"The REAL Daring Do!!" Dan and Twilight exclaimed.
"Ohmygosh!"
"Omaigosh"
"Ohmygosh!"
"Omaigosh!"
"Ohmy GOOOOSSSHH!!"
"I say, Miss Do!" Tuxley waved. "It sure is good to see you, ma'am."
"Saw you guys having trouble, thought I'd drop in," Daring said. The pith helmeted mare stood defiantly between the dogs and Twilight's group, a steadfast show of defense.
"Heheheh, always a pleasure ta see ya, Deedee," Roamer said, paws holding his suit now. The two henchdogs aimed at her instead of the group behind her. Two Tommy Guns stared at her, steady as a rock. "Me and da boys here was just gettin' acquainted with your friends. Nice bunch."
"They're not my friends, Roamer," Daring responded, cold and aggressive. "I don't even know these… guys. Why did you come here, anyway? You're not the type to sightsee."
The fat mobster shrugged. "You made it kinda hard for me to go anywhere, doll-face. But, when I heard dat da griffons' pirate fleet got sunk in dis quaint little burg, I thought it was the perfect opportunity for a little treasure huntin'. Turns out, your pet lizard here had the same idea. Your name just happened to have come up when I and da boys arrived and I figured, what better time to say hello while I'm in town?"
Daring shook her head. "This isn't Rogueport, Roamer. The Pianta Syndicate's not going to fall for your act twice and bail you out when you piss someone off."
"Just… wow," Dan said.
"I know, right?" Twilight agreed. "This is just like one of Daring's novels!"
Dan's eyes went wide. "This could BE one of Daring's novels!!"
They both turned and looked in each others' brightly-lit eyes. "WE COULD BE IN THE NEXT DARING DO NOVEL!!"
Tuxley, on the other hand, had produced a handkerchief from his vest pocket and was wiping the perspiration from his face. "If we survive this encounter, that is. Reginald?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Turn on the car's air conditioning, please."
"Excellent idea, sir."
Reed scoffed. "Frankie and Francesca got bigger things to worry about than me, doll-face. But since we're reminiscin' about da good 'ole days and whatnot, why don't you dust off a classic and hand over the book right now?"
"Book? What book?" Daring asked.
The dog frowned, his tone finally shifting. "The book, Doozy. The Arcane Apology that's the key to all the summoning magic and stuffs that's been going on lately."
Twilight's eyes lit up again. "The Arcane Apology?"
"Shh!" Daring shushed her.
"Ah ha," Reed caught them. "So you do know what I'm talking about." His henchhounds disengaged the safeties on their weapons with an audible click. "So, here's how this can go down: you can either give up da book da easy way and me and me pals can go on our merry way, never returning to dis neck'a da woodz ever again. Or we can take it from ya and the next time your name will be published is in the obituaries," he said, staring daggers at the mare. "Whatcha gonna do, Daring?"
The famed archaeologist knew when she was beaten. Her head lowered in defeat. Herself, she could protect against Reed Roamer and his goons no matter the situation. But others, when innocents were involved, she had to put their safety before her own. She could not let people get hurt because of her and Reed's vendetta. There was only one thing she could do. "Fine, Roamer. Fine. You win."
Behind her, Twilight's, Dan's, even Tuxley's jaw hit the floor. Reginald looked up from the paper he was reading and then he, too, gasped and dropped his jaw.
"Hahaha," the dog chuckled. "I thought you'd see it my way."
She nodded. "I don't have it on me but I know who does. Just let me get it for you," Daring said, turning around. She walked over to Twilight and Dan, who were still awestruck. Tuxley covered his face in the handkerchief to hide his expression. He quickly entered the DeLorean and closed the door, simply overcome.
Daring walked up to Twilight and Dan and put her hooves on both their shoulders. "Nightshade's told me a lot about you guys. It's nice to finally meet you. I'm sorry it couldn't be under better circumstances."
"Yeah… me, too," Dan said.
"Me too," Twilight added. They both sounded utterly distraught, staring almost through the ground at her hooves.
Daring looked at both of them. "I'm sorry for this, too."
They looked up at her. "Sorry for what?"
"This." Without warning, she grabbed both Twilight and Dan and with surprising strength, through them into the eight-passenger DeLorean. She then dove into the car and on top of them and shouted, "DRIVE!!"
"LIGHT 'EM UP!!"
Gunshots rang out. Bullets pelted the stainless-steel doors of the vintage 80s vehicle and Reginald slammed on the gas. The DeLorean launched forward, kicking up a cloud of dirt and speeding right by Reed and his cronies. Cliff had to jump out of the way to avoid the path of the car as it swiped the leading edge of their own vehicle.
The DeLorean raced through Ponyville's recently-rebuilt streets, the tires ripping into the dirt roads like saw blades.
In the backseat along with Dan and the others, Tuxley was literally holding on for his hat. "Reginald, I say, do mind traffic safety!"
"I don't believe we'll have any difficulty with traffic, sir, seeing as the only other vehicle is directly behind us," Reginald responded, almost too calmly. He drove with surprising skill and precision in spite of his hooves, expertly maneuvering the eight-passenger DeLorean through the Ponyville streets. Most of the debris had been cleared but some of the roads were still narrower or wider than they would've usually been.
Behind them, Reed Roamer was apparently having no trouble keeping up with them. The blaring sound of gunfire roared even louder than the cars. Bullets pinged off the metal hull of the DeLorean, rattling the group inside.
"You guys got anything we can hit them back with?" Daring asked, holding firmly down on her pith helmet.
"Umm, other than me, I don't know," Twilight said. "I don't think I like that idea."
"Yeah, even I'm not going to risk shooting back at those idiots with you," Dan said, shooting down the idea.
"Speed bump!" Reginald announced.
"What? Ponyville doesn't have any-" Twilight was bounced into the roof of the car as the vehicle hit something. "I… stand corrected."
"Twilight! Get your seatbelt on!" Dan yelled.
The mare shook it off and looked over to see her human companion fully strapped in. "How did you get buckled in so quickly?"
Dan deadpan-stared back at her. "You're seriously asking me that question?"
"Ye-s-" another bump cut her off.
"Twilight, I ALWAYS put on my seatbelt when I board a vehicle," Dan stated resolutely. "I'm always about safety first. You know that."
"Oh yeah," Twilight said, remembering back. "You crashed a helicopter shaped like my head but you always wear your seatbelt. That's safety."
"Two helicopters," Dan replied. They hit something else and the car shook. "And I made sure Fluffle wore hers, too. Now get buckled up."
"Right, right, I got it." Twilight climbed into the chair next to Dan carefully and buckled herself in.
"It's not going to matter much if those dogs gun us down!" Daring yelled.
"Reginald! Do your best to lose those ruffians!"
Another volley of gunfire pelted the car. Luckily, the enhanced stainless-steel construction of the vehicle deflected bullets pretty well. Still, every time the car was blasted, the group ducked in their seats.
"What would you have me do, sir?"
"Take Mane Avenue to Mane Street, then head down Mane Lane to Mane Parkway! We'll try to lose them in the market district!" Tuxley said.
"Very good, sir." The car turned, grinding its wheels into the dirt as it rounded a corner. They raced down a narrow back-alley, dislodging several hanging clothes lines from the buildings. The gunfire was shorter as the dogs couldn't hang out of the vehicle in order to fire. Their square car continued advancing on the group, Reed Roamer behind the wheel.
"Can't this thing travel through time?!" Dan asked.
Tuxley chuckled. "Hoho, don't be silly, dear boy. Only spell-bounds can time travel. This motorcar happens to be a prop from Universal Studios. I acquired it after they closed down the-"
"How about we continue this conversation when we're not being shot at?!" Daring suggested loudly.
Twilight was peering through the streets, trying to see where they were going while they deliberated. "We're on Mane Avenue right now?"
"Yes, madame, or we will be as soon as we exit this back alley," Reginald answered just as the car exited the back alley. "We've exited the back alley. Now, we're on Mane Avenue, if I'm not mistaken." The DeLorean rushed through the curved shopping district. Mane Avenue was a street south of Twilight's house, a curved road lined with smaller boutiques. The street curved right up to Carousel Boutique, though they were not heading in that direction at the moment.
"They still haven't cleaned up most of the debris on Mane Avenue!" Twilight exclaimed, eyes focused forward.
"I haven't noticed anything yet," Reginald said.
Twilight pointed out the windshield. "Because it's coming up around the corner!!"
"What is?!"
"RAMP! RAMP!!"
"Oh, dear."
During Ponyville's reconstruction, Flim and Flam tried to aid the townsfolk with repairs using their machines. They offered to let the ponies rent(at 'generous discounted prices') various contraptions to help fix the town. Dan advised ponies in town not to take them up on their offer. Because of Dan's valiance and that of his friends, the entire town unanimously heeded his advice. Unfortunately, this did not prevent the Flim Flam Brothers from showing off their questionably-useful inventions, including one they were currently dragging through the middle of the street simply called "The Flim Flam Bros. Metal-Stamped Ultra-Ramped Revamper Two-Thousand and Zee." A device which, for all intents and purposes, was just a large ramp.
"AAAAHHHH!!!!!" The entire group screamed as the car rocketed up the ramp and shot into the air. For what felt like a moment that could last eternity, the car sailed over the skies of Ponyville in a Spielbergian majesty only made possible through sheer randomness.
"AHHHAAAA! AAAAAHHH!!!"
"Hey," Dan suddenly turned to Twilight, "you know, we have done weirder stuff than this."
"LIKE WHAT?!?!"
"Well, there was the train," Dan started to list. "We went over the helicopters already… but then, there was the bubblegum, the chariot race, two chariot races, kind of."
"HOW IS THIS HELPING?!?!" Twilight screamed. The car landed finally, the impact miraculously absorbed by the four tires. "Wait! The security system!"
"What about- oh, wait!" Dan exclaimed. "I see where you're going with this!" The other car drove around the ramp and was still on their tail. Gunfire ripped through the dirt near the wheels. Apparently, the dogs had given up trying to shoot through the car's metal body.
"Guys, they're gunning for the wheels, now!" Daring exclaimed.
"We lure them right back to the treehouse and hit them with the security system!" Dan said.
Twilight nodded. "Reginald! Take a right and get us back to the library!"
"Excellent suggestion, ma'am." The car turned, forcing all aboard to lean left into each other.
Dan whipped out his cell phone. "I'll call the guys and tell them to switch it from passive mode to active mode! That way, it'll be able to auto-track them and blast Big Rover and his goons!"
"Good! Good, yes, do that!" Twilight said.
Back at the Golden Oaks Library, Dan's call came through on the phone in the living room/foyer. Unfortunately, Chrys and the others were too busy in the kitchen to hear it.
"Ohmaigawsh, this cake," Chrys mumbled through a moist bite, her voice pure ecstasy.
"We now know Dan knows how to bake," Phoenix said. (It looks like its chocolate but it has a hint of vanilla on the inside. And… something else, somehow that tastes familiar.)
"Mmmmmmmmm-hmmmm," Spike said. "I'ff haff ta getff the rethipeff froff himff."
Fluffle Puff, having finished her piece, was licking the plate. The entire plate. Inside of her mouth. She spat it out and it shined like it had been chrome-polished instead of just spit-polished.
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder, having enjoyed their cake pieces partly, were now doing what any good demolitions expert pones did in such a situation: they examined the cake. "What ingredients did Dan use to make this cake?"
"There's still a little rationing going on in town," BP said.
"We haven't made a store run in a while," BF added.
"And we only really have the ingredients in the house."
"Even Sugar Cube Corner is low-stocked."
Spike held a claw up to his chin. "Well, he used some of my cake mix I bake crystal cakes with. I'm out of crystals, though. But, I guess he just used what we have around the house."
Phoenix's eyes went wide. "Meaning only what we have in the kitchen."
"And everything we have in the kitchen…" Chrys said, "is on the table."
They all slowly turned their eyes to the table. Sitting next to the cake tray were the ingredients Dan had used during his elaboration of their plan. Now, it all made sense what else he used them for. Hot sauce, soy sauce, pickles, cherries, maple syrup. And all of it had been used.
"Oh my gawd," Phoenix held up his cake, "HE USED MY SOY SAUCE AS THE ICING!!"
"Oh no…"
"I think I'm gonna be sick…"
"I know I'm gonna be sick!" Spike yelled. "Get outta the way!" The small dragon shouldered his way over to the sink and began hurling fire into it.
They all dropped their plates to find some place to relieve themselves. Fluffle Puff, not one to let good food go to waste, used her long Yoshi-like tongue to slurp each partly-eaten piece off wherever it happened to have landed. "Thmmmm. Thppp-thbbbbb." Mmmm. Soy sauce.
None of them happened to notice the classic corded phone ringing on the lamp stand in the living room. Finally, it went to voice mail.
"WHY ARE NONE OF YOU IDIOTS PICKING UP?!?!" Dan's voice raged. "THAT'S IT! YOU ALL ARE DEAD TO ME!! I AM KICKING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU OUT! I'M GONNA SKIN YOU ALIVE, FLAY YOU IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE TOWN AND HANG YOUR ENTRAILS OVER EVERY PHONE LINE IN THE CITY!! YOU'RE GONNA BE THE NEXT DECORATIONS FOR HEARTH'S WARMING EVE!! There was a short pause before he continued. "Call me back when you get this. It's Dan."
"And Twilight!"
"And Twilight. Also, when you get this, please arm the security system. There's some mobsters trying to kill us. Thanks, bye."
Dan closed his phone. "Huh, no answering message. What happened to our old answering machine?"
Twilight shrugged bashfully. "Well, um, I was showing it to Princess Celestia and… uh… we decided to recycle it. With dynamite." She looked away. "It didn't really bring out the best in me. So we destroyed it."
Surprisingly, Dan just nodded at the reaction. "Ah, not a bad idea. That way, they couldn't trace anything back to us. Good thinking."
"I… never really thought about it that way. Thanks, Dan," she smiled.
He nodded. "It's what I'm here for." He dialed another number on his phone. "Hey, Derpy?"
"Heya, D-Boss."
"It's just Dan! Just Dan!"
"Okie dokie, Justin."
"GAAAGHH!" Dan raged. "Look, get down here NOW and bring the border patrol! We're in a silver… movie ride prop we're being chased by mob dogs in a rolling doghouse!"
"BE HERE NOW!!" Dan yelled into the phone and closed it.
Daring was busy keeping an eye on their pursuit in the rear-view mirror. "You guys call in back-up?"
"Oh yeah, the best," Dan said reassuringly. "We got Derpy and Rogue Squadron's air support whenever we want."
"Wait, the mail mare and the forest rangers? THAT'S your air support?"
"No," Twilight shook her head, "Rogue Squadron's the border patrol."
"I thought they were the neighborhood watch," Tuxley said.
"They're whatever we want them to be," Dan clarified. "And right now, they're air support so keep your eyes on the sky. Hey, wait, can't this car fly?"
Tuxley burst out into laughter. "Hahahaha, this is a PROP, my dear Dan. It only flew in the movies and the ride," he explained. "Honestly, the notion of a flying car is a bit far-fetched, don't you think?"
Dan, Twilight and even Daring Do leaned forward to quirk eyebrows at the dressed reptile.
"You do realize you came here to recover an artifact from a crashed spaceship, right?" Daring asked.
"Yeahhhh…" Twilight agreed. "At this point, I don't think much is left that's far-fetched for us."
"Hoho," Tuxley laughed again. "Well, as curator, one does come across quite a lot of-"
A stream of laser blasts cut Tuxley off. They blazed through the street like a rain of fire at a slanted angle, blasting through the ground and nearly hitting the DeLorean. Overhead, several ponies flew past directly over the street.
"They almost hit us!!" Twilight yelled. She grabbed Dan by the shoulders, "CALL DERPY BACK AND MAKE THEM STOP!!"
"THEN STOP SHAKING ME!!"
*kung-kung-kung*
A sound reverberated off the door; not bullets but something softer. They all looked out the passenger's side windows to see Derpy flying alongside them. Her mouth was moving but they couldn't she wasn't making any noise. Tuxley casually flipped a switch on the door that lowered the window.
"Oh, hello, Miss Derpy!"
"Hi Tuxley," the mare replied gleefully.
"What brings you to this side of Mane Boulevard today?"
"Well, we were just in the neighborhood and we thought we'd drop by to save your butts, actually," Derpy said, giggling. As she did, Edge and the rest of Rogue Squadron formed up with the car and gripped it with their hooves. Very quickly, they lifted it up off the street and into the skies above Ponyville.
"Haha, there we go!" Dan cheered. "Good job, Derpster!" he reached out the window to ruffle her mane.
"Yes, thank you, Derpy! Thank you all," Twilight said. "You showed up just in time; what's left of Ponyville's streets aren't built for a car chase."
"Much less one with guns," Daring remarked.
"You guys can drop us off and then go deal with those dogs," Dan said.
"Umm," Reginald pointed at the rear-view mirror. "The dogs are still behind us, Master Dan."
"WHAT?!"
Sure enough, the dogs and their boxy vehicle were jetting up after them, propelled on four hovering wheels and engines on the back. More bullets pinged the underside of the car, the pegasi juked to avoid getting hit.
Tuxley's jaw was agape. "My word. A flying car! Can you all believe this?"
"Yeah, seems pretty far-fetched," Daring said sarcastically. Dan laughed bluntly at the comment.
More bullets whizzed past them. The pegasi pulled the car left and right, dodging the volleys with surprising maneuverability. Dan and the others were yanked back and fourth with it, surprisingly in a way similar to if they had been on the ride the vehicle was originally designed for. Fortunately, their seat belts made sure none of them were injured.
"I say, they are quite tenacious, aren't they?" Tuxley said.
"Your backup's not working, Dan," Daring said. "We got any other plans or should we get lower to the ground and bail?"
"Wait!" Dan turned to the still-open window, "Derpy! Take us back to the library!"
"Back to the guns! Great idea, Dan!" Twilight clapped her hooves approvingly.
Rogue Squadron was already pulling the vehicle into a dive back to town. Behind them, the dogs were doing the same in their cube-car.
Dan pulled out his phone and re-dialed the house. "Come on… pickuppickuppickuppickuppickup!!"
Finally, on almost the last ring, someone did pickup.
"H-hello?"
"Hey! …wait, who is this?"
"It's Blast…"
Dan frowned. "Which one?"
"Um… I'm not even sure, right now." Back at the treehouse, the mare felt around her head and as luck would have it, found her horn. "Powder. It's Blast Powder. I'm the unicorn one." But then, her horn felt loose to her. And then, it fell off. "Wait… oh crap. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, OH CRAP!!" she panicked, her wings spreading. She then caught her breath when she realized what had been on her head. "Oh, thank goodness… it was just the soy sauce bottle. Hey, I have wings! That means I'm Blast Fuse!"
"WHOEVER YOU ARE," Dan raised his voice, "turn on the security system to the house! We're being shot at by the criminal pound puppies!"
"Oh… that's been on."
"What?"
"Yeah, Phoenix turned that on like right after we got your message. I'm sorry; we're all a bit out of it right now. Your cake made all of us sick."
"I- wait, my cake did what?"
"It made us all sick 'cuz you put soy sauce in the frosting."
"But I didn't PUT soy sauce in the frosting!" Dan yelled.
"Oh… well, in that case-"
"I put soy sauce in the icing! I put the hot sauce in the frosting," Dan declared.
"Uh… uh, excuse me." The phone abruptly cut off.
"Well, great," Dan said, pocketing it again. "Looks like Spike's cake batter made everyone at the house sick. But the good news is that they activated the security system!"
"Oh, thank goodness," Twilight wiped her forehead, relieved. "Wait, I had that cake and I'm not sick."
Dan smiled. "Probably because you like soy and hot sauce."
"Wait, what?"
The car barreled down to the surface, flying just above the rooftops. Reed and his boys remained in close pursuit but had apparently switched ammo. Now, small rockets and grenades began whizzing past them, detonating over the street.
The two vehicles reached the treehouse just as the ion cannon was deployed. The massive spherical gun aimed directly at them both.
Daring's jaw hit the floor. "THAT'S your security system?!?!"
"Not bad, huh?"
"How did you even- that's an ion cannon!" Daring exclaimed. "That thing could ionize the country! What were you thinking mounting that thing to your house?!"
"Well, honestly I was thinking about ionizing the whole country," Dan said.
Daring turned to him. "Wot."
"To defend Equestria!" Dan said defensively. "The ions'll wash out."
Daring then began looking around at the rest of them. "He does know that's not how ions work, right?"
Twilight shrugged. Tuxley did the same. Reginald shrugged from behind the wheel.
"It's for a good cause," Dan continued. "Honestly, if that thing was dangerous to us, don't you think we would've been hit by it by now?"
The ion cannon decided to answer Dan's question for itself by firing a massive blue bolt of electricity at them. Derpy and the pegasi dodged right, pulling up over the rooftops again. Behind them, the dogs followed them, narrowly missing the blast as it flew past.
"See?" Dan asked, steadying himself. "Perfectly safe. We just have to get Rover closer to it!"
"Closer?!" Tuxley exclaimed. "Dan, I do hope you know what you're doing."
"Sure, let's go with that. Derpy!" Dan called, "Get us closer to the house!"
"Kay."
The pegasi pulled back towards the treehouse. The ion cannon, having been preprogrammed not to target Dan and Twilight, was instead targeting Reed Roamer on their tail. The huge gun's barrel pointed at the cube-car, made the necessary calculations for a shooting solution and began aiming to take the shot.
Back down the street, the first bolt of ion energy struck a contraption Flim and Flam were demonstrating to Blueblood. The device, while it hadn't been named yet, was made to dispense various types of coffee very quickly. After being zapped by the ion blast, it began dispensing hot coffee on Flim, Flam and Blueblood, scalding the crap out of them.
"GAAAHHH!! IT'S IN MY EYES!!!"
"IT BURNS!!!"
"WHY DOES IT TASTE LIKE SOY SAUCE?!?!"
The Delorean and mobster car began circling the treehouse. The ion cannon, mounted directly on the roof, did its best to track its target. Unfortunately, it tried a bit too hard and wound up dizzy like those Mr. Eye enemies from Super Mario 64. It even made the same sound effect because at this point, why the heck not? But, fortunately, it didn't poof out of existence with one of those huge blue coins but grinded to a halt and stopped spinning.
"We're going too fast for the ion cannon!" Dan yelled.
"What about all the other guns on it?" Twilight asked.
"Had to trade those in for the ion cannon," Dan explained glumly. "It just made more sense because we save money on ammo just having one big gun now."
A missile exploded just outside the car. Derpy popped her head back up a split-second later. "I'm okay!" the mare said, though she was smoldering and her mane was blackened on the edges.
"We have to do something!" Daring yelled. "Don't any of you have something we can use against them? Smokescreen, oil slick, anything?!"
Tuxley tapped his chin. "Reginald!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Begging your pardon, Reginald, but did you remember to pack Mara-belle?"
"Yes, sir," the driver gestured, "should be under the seat in front of you."
"Ah, thank you, Reginald."
"Indubitably, sir."
Daring leaned forward. "What are you doing?"
"I'll just be a moment." Tuxley reached under the seat in front of him. After a moment of scrounging around, he pulled out what had to be the largest hunting rifle Equestria had ever seen.
"Holy crap!" Dan exclaimed. "Is that an elephant gun?"
"Hahaha!" Tuxley laughed again, loading the rifle. "Haha, Dan, your humor never ceases to make me laugh. This is hunting rifle, my good Dan. Elephants don't use hunting rifles," he explained.
"Oh."
"They use miniguns. Everyone knows that." The gun Tuxley brandished looked like a cross between a blunderbuss and an anti-material rifle- massively long barrel and collapsable stand but a cone muzzle and wooden stock.
"Right… it makes so much sense," Dan said, nodding.
"And all of it's non," Twilight added.
Tuxley stood. "Reginald, would you mind?"
"The sunroof, sir?"
"If you'd be so kind."
"Of course, sir."
Tuxley removed his top hat and handed it to Dan. "Would you hold onto this for me, Master Dan?"
"Uh, sure," Dan said, accepting the hat.
The reptile then stuck his head out of the vehicle and aimed the rifle. "Tell Derpy to keep her steady!"
"We got it!" Derpy yelled back.
Tuxley narrowed his eyes and got the car following them in his sights. "I do believe you're about to have some engine trouble, old bean." He fired.
The blast from "Mara-belle" was so powerful it caused the DeLorean to buck. The pegasi nearly lost their grip on it but a few of them repositioned to balance things out quickly. The round Tuxley fired was explosive and the moment it connected with the dogs' cube vehicle, it turned it into burning scrap. The car hit the ground in a fiery heap, rolling to a stop in the middle of the street.
Reed Roamer and his dog cohorts looked more like a trio of smoked sausages in the remains of their car, the fat mobster himself still clutching what was left of the steering wheel. For a brief moment, they sat in their tattered and burned clothes in their slagged car, letting the moment sink in before the pain of being burned by a tank shell took its effect.
Cliff, Reed's top lieutenant, tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, boss. Look, it's the library."
Pained, Reed looked up at the rear-view mirror. When it became apparent that it was no longer there, he slowly turned himself to look out the hole where the back window had been. Just a scant few meters away from them was the library, just as Cliff said. Somehow, though, it looked different from the last time they'd seen it. On top of the library was a giant golf-ball shaped thing that resembled some kind of observatory. And it was pointing at them.
The ion cannon blasted the dogs, electrifying them and the scrap pile they were in. It ignited what was left of their explosives and sent them all flying far away in a manner that would be better-suited to Team Rocket. They continued soaring until they were but a twinkle in the distance that winked out with an audible *ding*.
Back in front of the library, Derpy and the gang lowered the DeLorean back to the ground.
Twilight expected Dan to say many things. She expected him to ask where Tuxley had gotten such a weapon, why he hadn't used it before, what he was doing with it in his car. But Dan only said, "Wow… I am definitely getting you an attachment like that."
"What? Me?"
"Sure," Dan said happily. "I'm sure there's a rifle attachment or something like that for your horn we could find."
Twilight rubbed her horn. "Uh, uh… okay?"
Like a good dinosaur, Tuxley carefully ejected the spent shell casing, reengaged the safety and placed the unloaded rifle back underneath the seat. "Not the most sporting of duels I've been in but, it got the job done, eh, Dan?"
"In-freaking-dubitably," Dan replied. "So, you guys wanna come inside?"
"Certainly! Reginald, get the tea!"
"Already ahead of you, sir!"
"I guess so," Daring said, sounding somewhat unsure. She eyed the ion cannon warily as she followed the others through the front door.
Dan led the others inside to find an unconscious Phoenix Wright beside the controls to the security system by the door.
"Awwww," Dan said. "Looks like the guy had more than he could handle."
"Mmff hay ou, Dan," Phoenix's muffled voice said.
Twilight closed the door behind her as she walked in. Dan, beside her, was deactivating the security system. "You sure we should turn it of so soon?" she asked.
"Why not?"
She cast a glance to the door again. "Well, what if Reed and his goons come back?"
"Heh," Dan chuckled. "I think that's pretty far-fetched."
Phoenix, Chrys and the others recovered from the cake quickly after Dan switched off the security system. After the intense car chase, Tuxley and Reginald were grateful for the hospitality and sat down in a pair of appropriate recliners and indulged in tea still hot from a thermos. Daring Do, on the other hand, couldn't help from being bewildered at the things she saw.
"Phoenix Wright?! THE Phoenix Wright?!" she exclaimed.
"Eeyep. He's our boy Nicky," Dan said, slapping his fellow human on the back as he stood.
"It's nice to meet you, Daring," Phoenix said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"OHMAIGAWSH!" Daring leapt into the air and was immediately eye-level with the lawyer. "You have no idea what a huge fan I am! Seriously, I love Justice for All and Trials and Tribulations! It was so awesome how you had to deal with Von Karma and Godot!"
The ace attorney could not help a shade of crimson edging into his cheeks. "Heheheh, yeah they were… fun." (Not at the time, though.)
The pegasus recoiled a tad bashfully. "Sorry about that. I travel a lot and well, your games have helped me through a lot of tough situations."
"Phoenix has been part of our team since the Ace Swift trial," Twilight said, holding the human's arm endearingly. "If you think his games are great, you should see him in action here."
"Oh believe me, I know. I saw Turnabout Storm," Daring declared. "I've played all the Ace Attorney games, even the crossover ones with Professor Layton."
The tall human's entire face almost went flush. "Yeah… Capcom's contract makes me do pretty much everything. And while we're talking about uh, well, being fans, I'm a pretty big fan of your books."
"Thanks," Daring said, smiling. "It's not always easy writ-wait, is that…?" something else caught her eye. And it was Fluffle Puff. The pegasus flew across the room to the edge of the kitchen. Fluffle was busy making herself a snack. "Is that an actual fluffapon?"
"A what?" Twilight asked. "You mean Fluffle Puff?"
Daring Do stared at Fluffle, eyes wide as if not to miss a moment. The fluffy mare was nomming a cookie when she caught Daring's eye and looked over at her like a deer in the forest.
"Hi there," Daring said.
"Thppb."
"Oh, uh… well, it's been a while," Daring said. She cleared her throat. "*ahem* Um, Thpp-thppp thppp thppp." Hi, I'm Daring. Are you a fluffapon?
Fluffle's eyes went wide. The cookie dropped out of her mouth and hit the floor, crumbling. "Thpppp?!! Thppp-thppp-thppp thppp-thpp-thppp?!" You can speak fluffaponese?!! Where did you learn how to speak my language?!
Daring smiled. "Thbbbb-phbbbt. Thppp-thppp-phbbbt ffffbbt phppp." A long time ago, actually. I study ancient cultures and I have to learn the languages."
Fluffle edged closer. "Tbbbbpth thtttthhhh phb-phb thppppth." I understand. To be honest, you are speaking in a bit of an older dialect, no offense.
"Haha," Daring chuckled. "Thppp-thpp thtthhh phbbbbth." I don't doubt that. I'll take it as a compliment.
"Thp!" Fluffle squeed. Yay!
"Um, I uh, I don't really know how to ask this… but," Daring said, coming closer. "Thppp thppp thbbb thppp-thppp thpp?" Are there any others like you here?
Fluffle's eyes lowered a tad. "Phbbt." No.
"I see…" Daring said, also looking down. "Did you… have you told them?"
Fluffle shook her head.
"I understand," Daring said. The pegasus met her gaze, a kind of strange familiarity in her eyes. "There's uh, there's something I should show you. Would you mind coming with me?" she gestured to the door.
Fluffle nodded.
"Okay. They should be just outside," Daring said, leading her to the door. As they passed through the living room, Tuxley was busy regaling the group with tales of his own battles with FIST. It would seem that Vice Grip had kidnapped some dragons and dinosaurs when testing his Magic Gears, some of which were still unaccounted for.
"Hey Tuxley?"
"Oh, yes Miss Daring?"
"Are the samples from the Badlands still in the trunk?"
"Um, they should be," Tuxley said, thinking. "Oh! Were you thinking that-"
"I was just making sure, thanks," Daring said quickly, leading Fluffle out the door.
"Hey, if you guys are going somewhere, make sure the security system recognizes you first," Dan said. "No sudden movements and don't throw anything at the house, okay?"
Daring nodded, already out the door. "We got it, thanks." She closed the door and lead Fluffle outside. The fluffy pink mare followed her to the trunk of the Delorean, perplexed but curious. Daring opened the trunk from the lever on the driver's side and went back around to it.
The trunk of the Delorean contained several steel crates, almost like the kind for transporting weapons. There were also a couple of statues, smaller versions of the Markers from Dead Space but they looked older, strangely softer. Even though the car had been riddled with bullets, none had penetrated its metal frame and even if they had, it was unlikely they would've broken through anything on the inside.
Daring edged the largest of the containers to the front and opened it. Inside were vials, three dozen or so of them. Daring reached to one of them and picked it up out of the foam frame holding it in place. She turned around and held it in front of Fluffle Puff.
"This… this was, um, this was taken recently. Just a couple of weeks ago," Daring explained.
Fluffle looked at it, not quite understanding. Daring hooved it to her, giving her a chance to see it closer. Fluffle held it up to her eyes and looked over the tiny vial. Inside were a few strands of green fluff. A label on the outside read: M, 2m.
"Thppp thppp thbbb?" What is this?
"It's a, uh, sample," Daring said. The mare adjusted her pith helmet, seeming to have trouble speaking. "We were doing research and… well, we found a den. I'm guessing you knew about this?" she asked. The fluffy pony was still too fixated on the vial to answer. "We didn't take any of them. But we did take a few samples, harmless samples. We had to… we had to document the nest."
Den? Nest? Had they actually been there? Had they found out? Fluffle's heart was racing somewhere in her fluffy chest. She looked at the tiny vial, suddenly starting to realize how valuable it really was. Her hooves began to tremble involuntarily but she clutched it tightly. She held it up to Daring and pointed at the label. "Thppp. Thppp thbbb thppp thppp?" This. What does this mean?!
"Um, it stands for male. Male and then the approximate age is at the side," Daring looked at the vial closer. "That one was two months at the time. Healthy, close to hatching."
Fluffle turned back to the rest of the vials. There were dozens of them. She counted each of them, had to be sure of the exact number. She was hyperventilating now, looking over the contents of everything in the trunk of the iconic movie vehicle. Fluffle looked at each of the vials as if trying to be sure of something she already knew was true. They were all different colors: orange, purple, blue, etc. And they all had numbers and either an F or an M next to them.
"We didn't take samples of all of them," Daring said, putting a hoof on her shoulder. "They all looked healthy, though. It was just me, Reginald and Tuxley. We didn't even take any pictures."
The fluffy mare's breathing became calmer. She slowly nodded and put the samples back. The last one, still clutched in her hoof, she held up and looked it again. Male, two months. The green strands of fluff shimmered in the sunlight underneath the thin glass. A colt. A healthy, baby colt.
Daring nodded. "From what we could tell. We… don't really know much about your biology since the kingdom collapsed. We had no idea we'd find any others. I'm guessing that… well, are they yours?"
Fluffle held the vial tightly, tears in her eyes. She nodded.
The pegasus walked over and cupped her hooves. "I know this… this must be hard for you but… do you know anything about what happened? To the other fluffapons?"
The fluffy mare took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Thbbb." Yes. She was silent after that. Daring looked up at her, was hoping she would say more but she didn't. Whatever other answers she had, it would be time before they were revealed.
Fluffle hoofed the vial back to Daring. She silently placed the vial back in its slot. Daring started to close the container when Fluffle stopped her. The fluffy mare grabbed a small bit of her own fluff and snipped it off. Fluffle Puff then presented a few of her own strands of fluff to Daring.
The archaeologist pegasus looked lost for a moment. "I… I don't know what to say."
"Take it," Fluffle said, forgoing her native tongue. "My sample. It belongs with them."
Daring took it carefully. She then looked into Fluffle's eyes. "So do you. You… you shouldn't be here."
Fluffle turned away and began walking back to the house. The pegasus held the strands tightly. Pink, female, unknown months. At least hundreds. "They need you!" Daring yelled. "They're close to hatching, they'll need you! They'll need… their mother…"
"Thppp thbbb phbbbtt thpp thbbb," Fluffle said, not looking back. They have what they need. She reentered the house.
For a while, Daring was at a loss for words. She watched as Fluffle opened and closed the door, mouth agape. For whatever her reasons, Fluffle Puff had made her decision. Daring found an empty vial and stocked Fluffle's sample, not cataloging it. There would be time for that later. She followed Fluffle Puff back into the house.
"So… you met the Loch Ness Monster?" Phoenix asked. Apparently, the entire rest of the group was busy listening to Tuxley's stories.
Tuxley nodded. "Indeed."
Dan grinned. "Did he ask you for tree fiddy?"
The t-rex and his crystal companion laughed. "Hahaha, no Dan, and we didn't see Chef's parents, either. I do so enjoy your humor, though."
"Heheheh, yeah," Dan leaned back, appreciating the remark on his wit.
Tuxley readjusted his monocle. "Hoho, indeed. He did try to sell us homeowner's insurance which we didn't need at the time. Nice chap, though."
Dan's face went blank. "Wait, he actually talked?"
"You're asking a tyrannosaurus rex that," Chrys reminded him.
"I know, it's just… the loch ness monster, that's kind of a legend," Dan said. "It really hits me where I live."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "You live in Scotland?"
"No, but I had a bet on the loch ness monster!" Dan yelled. "Great! Now I owe Chris three-fifty if I ever see him again."
The city of Manehattan remained more or less the same despite Equestria's political turmoil. Because of the lack of weather control, unicorns had grouped into teams to capture the free-roaming clouds that came near the city and used their magic to gather them until their collective density caused it to rain. It wasn't a permanent solution but it was working in the interim. Most ponies still believed it would only be a matter of time before the princesses returned and order was restored. Until then, everypony was making due with the cards they'd been dealt.
A few of them, however, were less optimistic. Some of them even supported joining Vice Grip's radical faction, FIST and more than a few actually had. The Manehattan city council had decided not to make an official stance supporting either Equestria or FIST, instead focusing more on sustaining their own city. A few supply caravans had provided relief to Ponyville when Twilight's call for aid came but since the Enclave's air attacks, even that form of help had ceased. Rather than risk further reprisal, the city's leaders decided to remain neutral in the conflict. They were not the only city to do so as Chicoltgo, Detrot and Cloveland had all chosen to do the same.
Many ponies disagreed with this action but chose to remain and support their respective home cities. Others, however, had left to join Dan's Jerks or FIST's Enclave. The only ones who were left were those who had chosen not to take sides or those that didn't want to be involved at all. It was their hope that the two feuding powers would avoid them entirely. Like waiting out a storm, they remained in their cities, silently watching to see who would emerge from the great war that was to come.
Unfortunately, war is not like a storm. You can predict where a storm will go but you never really know where war will crop up. Until it's too late.
Plum Plenty was a purple earth mare street vendor who sold cheap produce to passersby. Her supplier grew most of it from small farms, gardens and greenhouses around the city itself and she just minded the stall and kept things clean. There had been fewer customers recently because of the recent turmoil but she didn't see any way she could do anything about it. She was actually related to Flight Lieutenant Spinner, the wingpony of Captain Spinner in the Enclave but she had no idea her cousin was involved with the war. Plum just sold haydogs, fruits and veggies to ponies on the street. There was nothing in her mind she could do to help the situation except try to serve her customers.
"Uhhhh… lemme get a couple haydogs."
"Sure," Plum said, already fixing them up. "Mustard and 'kruat?"
"Ehhhh… yeah," the customer, a suited stallion said. He hesitated. "Um, light on the mustard. Meeting with city hall, can't get anything on the suit."
"Ha, I gotcha," Plum said. She hoofed him the dogs and he went on his way. He was one of many that day and the day wasn't over yet so she went back to work. Diligently and dutifully, she served downtown Manehattan.
It was another gray day. The unicorns, dressed in insulated gear normally for pegasi, gathered on the rooftops of the taller buildings and worked in shifts to hold storm clouds overhead so they'd rain on the city where it needed it most. They weren't as adept at pegasi at controlling the weather and often it rained too much in some places. Today would be no different; it rained continuously in Plum's district of Manehattan and would continue like it had for the past few days. They might get a break this weekend but big cities needed lots of rain. The constant sound of the rain echoed up and down the streets.
Because of the rain or maybe because she was so focused on her work, Plum was one of the last to hear another noise. Ponies in line stopped to listen and only when a well-dressed mare hesitated to take her candied pear on a stick did Plum stop to listen, too.
*Clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-* They all heard it: the steady, almost mechanical clacking of something coming from a distance.
"Is that…?" the mare stopped. "Is that the train?"
"Train hasn't run in months," a stallion behind her said.
"The train station!" another pony behind them shouted. "Maybe they got the trains to run again!"
"Maybe it's from Canterlot!" another suggested. And that was enough for everypony, skeptical or not. They all dropped what they were doing, even Plum, and hurried to the train station at the edge of town. The steady clacking continued.
*Clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-* the noise continued. And like moths to the flame, the ponies of Manehattan stopped what they were doing and hurried to the west side of town where the train station was. They assembled in a huge crowd in front of the train station, staring at the hill to the north where the sound was coming from.
"It must be from Saddle Arabia!" an excited younger stallion exclaimed.
"Doesn't sound like any train I've ever heard," a stallion next to him commented.
A mare between them shrugged. "Maybe it's a new type of train? One that goes on the monorail track."
Since Vice Grip's takeover of Equestria, all the rail lines in the country had been lifted out of the ground by some unknown energy or magic. It was now a monorail line but nopony had seen any trains traveling on it. Suffice to say, many ponies missed the popular form of transportation and seeing it come back would be a boost to morale. But it was not to be.
*Clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-* the sound continued, got louder.
"Oh, it'll be so good to see Kimono in Baltimare again," an upper-class mare mused.
A gruff pony in an orange vest and hardhat next to her shrugged. "I'll be happy if we can get some help from Baltimare."
An unsettling feeling formed in Plum's stomach. "I don't think that's the train."
The clacking noise stopped. For a few moments, it was completely silent in front of the train station as ponies looked to the distance to see what was approaching.
"Did it… did it stop?"
"Maybe they're in trouble."
"Get help! Somepony get-"
"Wait!" Plum shouted. She pointed to the edge of the tracks. "Look!"
A single figure silhouetted in the sun's glow crested the top of the hill. It cast a massive shadow, one that stretched down to the station itself. Whoever it was seemed to dominate the horizon with presence alone, threatening to block out the sun itself. Nopony could tell who or what it was. And then another figure rose up next to it. And another. And another.
"That's… that's not the train."
A pony next to Plum held up a pair of binoculars. "I… I think it's a bunch of ponies."
"The Saddle Arabians?"
"No, no, I don't think so." He adjusted his focus, peering into the distance. "They're zebras. Yeah, they're all zebras."
"What are zebras doing this far south?"
"No idea. Is there a convention or something?"
The uncomfortable feeling in Plum's stomach became an urge. That urge quickly became panic. Her eyes widened. "RUN! RUN, EVERYPONY RUN!" she pushed her way through the crowd, nudging confused ponies away and nearly knocking some down. She wouldn't get far.
"Is the train with them? I don't see why they-" *SSShhhh-TCH!* A spear landed in front of the crowd. Simple, made of wood, it stood taller than a pony and was feathered at the end.
"Woah, nice spear."
*SSShhh-TCH!- TCH!* Two more joined it.
"Oh mai gawd."
Spears began raining down around the crowd, some nearly hitting ponies in it. The sun's raise were blotted out by the amount of spears thrown. Like a meteor shower, the barrage of spears continued, an endless amount of them. Ponies panicked, screamed and ran any way they could but there was no where to escape them.
Plum was almost to the edge of the city when a spear came down right in front of her. Several other spears landed right next to it, then more, then more. A wall of spears blocking her path rose up and spread out before her very eyes. Spears landed on top of spears with impossible precision, raising the wall higher. In almost an instant, the crowd was walled in by the wooden spears, trapped. Unicorns found they couldn't teleport through them; the wood had some sort of magic property.
Once they were completely trapped, the spears ceased.
"It's the zebras!! The zebras are invading!!"
"It's gonna be okay, sweetheart."
"Can anypony get a cell phone signal? Anypony?!"
A voice began shouting in the distance. "Chswi!!! FIRE!!"
The ponies looked to the distance again. Even though they were trapped, they could still see the silhouettes on the hill top. And on the hilltop, lights began to appear.
"What are they doing?"
"GET DOWN! GET DOWN!!"
More spears, this time lit on fire, soared into the sky. They soared over the heads of the trapped Manehattan ponies and into the streets. Hundreds of spears, thousands of them, hundreds of thousands. They struck buildings, broke through glass and landed on rooftops. They struck streets and signs, houses, apartment complexes, duplexes, bus benches. And whatever they struck, they burned.
Maybe a few, the buildings could've withstood but not the onslaught the zebras launched. There seemed to be an endless amount of spears lit by the fire of the sun itself; they seemed to come from the sky. Like a celestial wrath, they rained down on Manehattan, burning all they impaled. The tallest buildings became pillars of flame. Smoke rose to fill the skies, preventing even the small amount of rain that fell from extinguishing it.
"Oh no… oh no…"
"The whole city's going up!"
"Somepony do something!!"
One by one, the skyscrapers crumbled. Under the weight of the assault, not even the tallest building in the city remained standing. The ponies watched as Manehattan was torn apart and burned, the smoke and ash blotting out the skies above.
The attack barely lasted a few minutes. Only when Manehattan was entirely ruined did he spears cease. When it was over, the rain completely let out and put out the fires as if to contain the damage that had already been done. But there was no Manehattan now. Only ashes remained.
The prisoners cried. Ponies held each other, cried tears together, screamed in agony and anguish and despair together, families and strangers alike. They cried together.
*Clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-" the sound started up again. The zebras descended the hill, dozens at first but they kept coming. A horde of them came from behind the hill, covering it, covering the land around it, pouring out from the light of the morning sun. They surrounded the trapped ponies and kept coming, marching through the ashes of Manehattan, heading south.
The ponies then saw what was making the noise: the zebras each had a wooden shield clasped to their sides along with multiple spears. Every few steps they marched, the spears rattled along the shield making it sound like a train. In reality, it was hundreds of thousands of zebras marching together, steps in unison. The grinding of the war machine marching on.
"YOU BASTARDS!!" Plum screamed through the bars of her wooden cage. "WHY?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!?!"
As if to answer her question, the clacking stopped again. A few of the spears from the side of the cage were with drawn by the zebras, again with expert precision. Zebras with spears drawn flooded inward, pushing ponies back and forcing them to make a space in the crowded cage. When there was a space large enough, a single zebra walked through the center line.
The lone zebra stood as tall as Big Macintosh. His mane was jagged but his stripes were criss-crossed, making him look battle-scarred from head to hoof. He carried the same equipment as every other zebra but while they were identical, he was slightly taller and even sported a cutie mark in the shape of a sideways Z that looked like a lightning bolt. Finally, there was a scar just off-center of his face, a single streak marring an otherwise clean expression of contempt. The scar was in between his nose and left eye and ran down from his forehead to his chin, cutting even his lips.
He carried a spear with him as he walked that pronounced each of his hoof steps.
He cast his gaze across the assembled crowd, an expression of utter contempt bordering disgust. Hatred burned in his eyes and fire flashed in the mark on his face. None of the ponies there knew it but such a cut was only the result of enduring powerful magic that only alicorns could perform. And it looked fresh.
"You do not deserve an answer," the zebra said to all of them. He held a hoof up to his scar as if feeling it for the first time. "But I will give you one: you are deluded. All of you are deluded, corrupted, poisoned. And now you know the truth."
"The truth?"
"What truth?"
"Why isn't he rhyming? I thought they all spoke in rhyme."
"Dude, that's racist."
"You know what, Frank? How about I go buy a buck to give you from the corner store on third street? Oh wait, I can't BECAUSE THIRD STREET JUST BURNED TO THE GROUND!"
The zebras lowered their spears. Any quarreling silenced.
The zebra looked at all of them. "Your kingdom was corrupted. Your society was corrupted. You placed trust in leaders who did not care for you, you were taught to believe ideals that were not real, you sought to control a power that cannot be controlled. You are all a disgrace… it is… disgusting," he said, venom dripping in his voice. "Your faith is a pollution I have come to cleanse."
A candied pear on a stick hit him in the face, splattering across his muzzle. The zebra's expression didn't change but he blinked and turned in the direction of the assailant.
"You're wrong! You… you MONSTER!!" Plum roared, standing in front of him. "You burn down our city and then you judge US?! You're disgusting!!"
"Yeah!"
"Screw you, zebra!"
For the first time, the zebra actually smiled. "Ha. I am not judgment; I am truth. You pollute your land with these buildings, you pollute the environment with your meddling and you pollute your minds with your beliefs. I and my army are here to cleanse it. Cleanse it all."
"CLEANSE THIS!" she jumped up to deliver a right-hoof hook on his face. But she never got a chance. "OOF!" A pair of spears caught her in midair and slammed her down to the ground. The zebras at either side held her in place. Plum looked up at Zen Zeal standing over her. He was still holding a spear but he also looked to be leaning on it.
"Your ways are flawed. They were simply beaten by something better. Your only fault was holding onto them," he said coldly.
Plum groaned as the spears pressed onto her neck. "H-holding onto our beliefs makes… makes us strong! You haven't beaten us! We still believe in the princess!!"
The general smiled. He knelt down and looked her straight in the eye. "And where is she now?"
The mare closed her eyes, a tear sliding down them. "She's always… they're always in our hearts."
"And hearts can be broken. Precisely why I don't have one," the zebra stood again. "This is the reality, ponies: your harmony did not protect you, your princesses didn't come to rescue you and your friendship will not rebuild your city."
"YOU ARE WRONG!!" Plum screamed, even though the side of her face was smashed into the dirt. "With the magic of friendship, we can- AAAUGH!" The end of a third spear smacked her across the face.
Zen turned around, cast one more glance over his shoulder. They all stared back at him, eyes wide in horror, shock and despair. It was always the same. Almost always. His hoof reached up to the side of his face and he winced.
"Major?"
"Sir?"
"Proceed."
"Sir, yes sir!"
The major took a single stone from his pocket and placed it on the ground. He then followed Zen and the other zebras quickly out, the spears being replaced behind them. Before the spears closed again, Plum saw that Zen was using the spear he held to balance him; he was limping.
A few ponies walked up to the stone, prodded it with their hooves. Plum got up, brushed herself off and a few ponies helped her to her hooves. Some of them were about to ask what happens now, what they could do next and what was the stone in front of them when it exploded in a flash of light and everypony disappeared.
Zen fell in march with the rest of his army but only did so shortly. As his steps fell out of line with the precision of the rest of his troops, he finally allowed his subordinates to carry him in a makeshift covered medical wagon they'd stolen from Saddle Arabia.
His soldiers pulled him silently. He knew they would; they were disciplined, elite, the most powerful force in Equestria. His shame, though, was powerful as well as he was forced to have his soldiers carry him instead of marching with them. Zen looked up at the sky from the hole in the back of the wagon. The sky was cloudy and it was raining. A mercy, of sorts.
Fighting an alicorn was unlike fighting any other creature in Equestria. It was unlike fighting anything or anyone else, period. Fighting with a divine force taxed the entirety of your being, wounding every fiber of your essence from body, mind, heart and spirit. It was like standing before a nexus of so many different gravimetric forces, a presence across the entirety of existence and even incorporeality that withered you in ways both possible and impossible.
Against such a force, it was difficult to survive and even find yourself afterwards. For Zen Zeal to survive an encounter with Celestia, let alone defeat her in combat, was tantamount to surviving the Big Bang. His being had been wounded throughout the span of space, time and beyond. It was both painful and numbing at the same time, a multi-phasic burn that scorched his body and soul. In time, it would heal but there would always be a scar there to remind him of his failure. And in a way, it reminded him of his only defeat.
He rolled over and decided to get some sleep. He would take his anger out on the rest of Equestria when he recovered more. The zebra army marched south deeper into Equestria, the rain clouds following them.
We need injustice. We thrive on it; thrive on the adversity it creates. We drink it in and let it fuel us, and that fuel becomes the fire which burns inside each and every one of us. And we need fire, too. Even if we deny it, we need that fire to sustain us. I've seen it in you, too, the blaze waiting to happen. I've seen inside you, you know. I've seen that spark.
People, ponies look at me and they think I'm some kind of monster. They see me as some kind of abomination, something that shouldn't exist. They're afraid of what I represent because it's something they can't do. They can't make the same decisions I made, they can't use the power I wield and if they had the choice they wouldn't want to. But somepony has to. They need me. So… I guess that's two things we have in common.
Diagnostic complete. Beginning systems check… Weapon systems: Partial functionality available Sword Spell: N/A Processing Systems: Online Power Core: Online Defensive systems: Online Mobility systems: Online Sensory systems: Online Tactical interface: Online Communications interface: Online … All remaining systems functioning at or above standard parameters. Operational capacity: 85%- Acceptable. No command uplink detected.
I love you. I want you to know that.
Hull integrity nominal. All systems nominal. Beginning startup sequence...
They thought you were a monster, too. Because of what you wanted. But us? We're natural.
Scanning surroundings… visual sensors online.
They NEED us!
Leg drive motor online. Initializing...
They NEED WHAT WE'RE CAPABLE OF!!!
Terrain analyzed… all systems engaged.
They need our help.
Mission parameters set.
That's why I want to give it to them. I want them to have every opportunity, even the ones I didn't have. We can show them the way, together. And if they think we're monsters… well, the world needs monsters, doesn't it? But they have nothing to fear from me just like they have nothing to fear from you. I will nurture that spark inside of you. I will be the hoof and the hand that guides you. Revenge is just a part of nature. Just a part you're told not to use.
I'm… I'm back.
Inside of you burns a desire, a power so strong it could make all our dreams a reality. Just sometimes, to make a dream come true, a nightmare has to come true along with it. But there's nothing to be afraid of.
Magic Gear Knight… online.
Regenerated Fail-Deadly Independent Mobile Weapons Platform Magic Gear KNIGHT Takes a mucking and keeps on bucking
Together, we will make all our dreams come true. Because you have the will. And me? I'm just the Director.
Daring quietly walked into the living room. Fluffle Puff had already found her spot in between Phoenix and Chrys and was cuddling them both. The fluffy mare did not cast a glance in Daring's direction; the discussion they just had may as well have not happened. Daring sighed and leaned against the edge of the couch. Everypony had been listening to Tuxley's story and hadn't noticed either of them until now.
"Daring!" Dan shouted as she joined them. The human got up from the floor and briskly walked over to her. "So, about that car chase with Big Rover, that was pretty exciting, wasn't it?"
The archaeologist looked unnerved. "I guess…? It was really dangerous, put a lot of bystanders at risk and could've done serious damage to the town or us but… sure?"
The human's smile was undiminished by Daring's uncertainty. "Dangerous indeed, for us because we were there."
"And for the town, too…" Daring added.
Dan's smile actually got a bit wider. "Exactly, the whole town was in danger! This was a major threat and we took it out as a team! Working together, Daring Do and the Danfenders of Equestria save the day!"
Chrys leaned over to Twilight. "Does that sound like a book title to you?"
"Yeah," Twilight answered. "And he put his name in it, too. Probably had this idea for a while."
Sitting on the couch next to him, Blast Powder groaned. "Auugh, just pitch it to her, ya dolt."
Daring raised an eyebrow. "What are you two getting at?"
"Oh, nothing," Dan shrugged. "I was just wondering if maybe you'd like an idea for a new book."
"Ah," Daring nodded. She smiled humbly back at him. "Well, uh, I appreciate your enthusiasm and your support. It does mean a lot to me but I don't really take requests."
"Awww," Dan's smile drooped. "But think about what it would mean to all of your fans!"
"The ones throughout the country or just in this living room?"
"Both!" Dan declared. "I'm kind of a big shot myself around these parts. Twilight! How many times have I saved Equestria since I've been here?"
"Intentionally, none."
"That's right- three times!" Dan waved the number in her face. "And let me tell you, your readers would just love to hear some of the things I've been involved in."
Spike waved. "Leave out the parts about my sculpting!" he said, blushing. "They're not finished yet… and I require my privacy."
"I'm it would be an instant best-seller all over Equestria!" Dan said. He turned back to the group. "The Dantastic collab with Daring Do herself! Dan meets Daring Do- the Amazing Team! Daring Do and the Danfenders of Equestria! Doesn't that sound like a hit?"
Twilight and the others stared back at Dan, stunned into silence. Phoenix rubbed his neck as he usually did, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder sported dual expressions of contempt. Fluffle Puff uttered a single "Thppth." Slowly, Chrys's hoof raised. "I'd read it."
Daring smirked. "As fun as that sounds, I'll have to decline, I'm sorry," she said, walking around to the center of the group. "I don't just write about things that happen to me; I write for a reason. I want my readers to understand the reason why I do what I do. I want them to recognize the places I go, to connect with the ponies I meet and be inspired by the things that I discover. I write to generate an interest in our world so that ponies will be passionate enough to explore it themselves and create a feeling of adventure that resonates throughout Equestria."
"Wow," Dan said, taken aback. "That is truly admirable, Daring."
"It really is," Twilight agreed. "It's really noble of you to want to share your experiences in a meaningful way."
"I kind of feel the same way about my games," Phoenix added. "I want people to believe in justice and the process of law and order when they, well, play as me. That's why I give the best performance I can." (Even when they make me do Marvel Vs. Capcom. Justice can exist in a fighting game, too!)
"One thing though," Dan said. "Where does Mountain Daring Dew come into all of this?" The uncertain eyes that were on Dan just a minute ago returned and suddenly found themselves on Daring herself.
The explorer mare blushed. "Well… uh… you know, adventuring isn't cheap. I have bills to pay, too and sometimes the books don't cover the cost of everything. So, couple years back, I signed up to be the mascot for the Pepsi Corporation's new Mountain Dew flavor. The royalties are pretty nice."
Dan gasped. "SELLOUT! SELLOUT! You're a sellout!!"
"What?!"
"Dan, calm down," Twilight cautioned.
"You sold out your brand for money!" Dan pointed an accusatory finger at her. "You sold out YOURSELF for money! What are ponies going to think when they read your books now that you're working for freaking PEPSI?! What if they make you put ADS in your next book?!"
Chrys giggled. "I don't really think a 'Daring Dewritosgate' is really likely at this point."
"Thpp thppth thppth-thppth thpp." Do not give them any ideas.
"Hey, I'm not a sellout!" Daring defended herself. "Nothing I've said or done affects the integrity of my writing. And I like Mountain Dew. Sometimes. Just because I do a couple endorsements doesn't mean I'm compromising my character in any way. I'm a pony, not a brand."
"Oh, but you're both now," Dan fired back. "You're a role model for ponies all over Equestria, especially young mares maybe looking into exploring on their own."
Daring folder her hooves, hovering in a way reminiscent of Rainbow Dash. "Yeah? Your point?"
Dan smirked. "What if the CMC start drinking Mountain Daring Dew just because you're the mascot? What if… it starts an obesity epidemic? Rampant high-blood pressure, high LDL cholesterol levels, and it's only the beginning! They could do it with other products, too, even worse stuff!" The archaeologist looked away. For the first time, it seemed like it was something new she was considering. Everypony was silent around her. "Something you hadn't thought of, huh?" Dan put a hand on her shoulder.
Daring looked down. "I had thought about it. But after my own expenses, the profit I make goes to paying back towns like Ponyville. The places I go, the ponies I meet, they get directly affected by my actions, too and not always for the better. I try to be careful but sometimes I cause property destruction and even interfere with other ponies' lives whether I try to or not. I send them money to repay their damages."
"Oh," Dan said. "I… see."
Twilight, Chrys and all the others looked down as well. "I guess there is a lot of destruction in those books."
"Yeah," Chrys said. "Just think about all those artifacts broken in Daring Do and the Ancient Antiques of the Arboreal Atrium."
"Or the priceless vase in Daring Do and the Priceless Vase."
"Or the Indiana Jones franchise in Kingdom of The Crystal Skull." Twilight quirked an eyebrow at Chrys. "Well, that was priceless to me!"
"Well, I guess a soda sponsorship doesn't really hurt anything. Not like it's some poison joke cigarettes or something," Dan remarked, rubbing his own neck.
The pegasus smiled. "Thank you for understanding."
"Anyway, you want us to show you around the place?"
Daring looked around the main atrium. "Yeah, it looks like there's been some remodeling since I was here last."
"Heheh, remodeling's one way to put it. Rearming is another," Dan said with a grin. "Let me give you the grand tour!" he said, putting a hand on the mare's shoulder and guiding her up the stairs.
Dan showed Daring throughout the house. They began their tour by going through the library's various sections for books. When Dan first arrived in Equestria, he didn't have a job but after many trials he eventually became the bookkeeper of the graphic novel section and other reference materials. But, that is a story we will get into more in the prequel.
Behind the living room in the north half of the ground floor was the library's main bookshelves. "This here's where we store most of our books. Some books, we use the DDS for but some stuff we just have alphabetized. Your books are in the D section for Daring Do!" Dan exclaimed.
"Heh, never would've guessed that."
"Hey, you might even want to autograph a few copies while you're here," Dan suggested.
The pegasus smiled. "I think I might be able to do that."
"You could even autograph some of the clop."
"Heh, yeah I cou-wait, what?" Daring's eyes went wide.
"Clop!" Dan waved his hand outward. "We got tons of clops. Even a lot of it dedicated to you and all your adventures. Talk about your excitement," he said, grinning.
Daring's face turned a shade of crimson that seemed to spread over her entire body. "I-uh, I-ull, um…"
"Ah! Here's one right now," Dan reached for a book.
"Oh, no- no no no no, you don't have to-"
He presented the book to her. "Bet you didn't know they did condensed versions. Your very own 'clop!"
Daring read the cover. "Daring Do Encyclopedia… oh. I see, this is what you meant."
"Haha, kind of daunting, isn't it?" Dan said, hefting the huge book. "Gonna get me my own one of these days. Fill it full of exploits and whatnot. Ah, nothing like a good 'clop."
"You like… encyclopedias?"
"Of course I do!" Dan declared. "I learn a lot of things from encyclops. And brochures. They're tremendous sources of information and some of the most reliable texts on just about every subject imaginable. I even like those science fiction encyclopedias; they're great for learning all that nerd stuff really quickly."
"Nerd stuff, indeed," Daring nodded.
"Yep," Dan put an arm around her shoulders yet again. "And back there's the mature fiction section," he said, pointing to a doorway blocked by a curtain of beads.
"I'm less comfortable now…"
Dan shrugged. "You get used to it. Anywho, let's see the rest of the house."
And Daring's comfort continued dropping as Dan showcased the newest features of the Golden Oakes.
"You hooked the ion cannon into the city's power grid?!?!" Daring exclaimed upon entering the command center and Dan explaining the finer workings of the defense system. "Do you have any idea what kind of energy draw that thing has?"
"Eeyep, a big one," Dan said, leaning against the controls. "Took out a whole fleet of griffons with it."
"You shot them down OVER the town?" Daring asked. "How… how is the town even still here?"
Dan shrugged. "Got lucky."
"LUCKY?!" Daring flew right up into his face. "LUCKY?! Those ships are huge! They could've destroyed the entire town!"
"But they didn't."
"They could've blown up half of Equestria!"
"But again, they didn't."
Daring began to shake. "This… this is the most irresponsible thing anyone in Equestria has ever done!"
"I know," Dan nodded. "Tough to top, huh?"
"You're insane!" she shouted, storming out of the control room. "You call me a sellout? AT LEAST I'M NOT CRAZY!!"
Dan scratched his chin. "I prefer the term unconventional but hey, I've been called worse."
"UURRRGH!" she huffed, already down the hall.
Back in the kitchen, Twilight and others were having tea with Tuxley.
"I appreciate the offer, Mr. Tuxley," Twilight said apologetically, "but we really don't have any plans on cooperating with another museum at this point."
"I see…" Tux said, lowering his tea cup. "While your decision is a bit of a disappointment, I do understand it. You will consider the offer still on the table, yes?"
Twilight smiled. "I will but, it's still one I can't agree to."
Tuxley nodded. "Very well. I thank you for your hospitality."
Daring stormed into the kitchen and marched right up to Twilight. "You."
"Me?"
"You're in charge of this place, aren't you?"
"Uhhhh…"
Daring glanced at Chrys. The changeling waved her hooves dismissively. "Hey man, I just work here."
The explorer rolled her eyes. "Who's the one who gave Dan permission to… put all these weapons on a public property?"
Twilight raised her hoof. "Meeee… I guess. But the library's not public; we own and operate it ourselves. It used to be public, though but I went ahead and bought the deed when we renovated it to approve Dan's… modifications."
Daring's jaw dropped. "You… approved of all of this? You KNEW he was going to install a freaking huge cannon?"
The purple mare nodded innocently. "Yes?"
"And you did this KNOWING what kind of damage it could cause to the town?!"
Twilight looked at her cup of tea, as if to see some kind of answer in the liquid. "You never know what's going to happen. Not for sure, anyway. There's a truth that power always finds a prominent position… but that doesn't mean it's always going to be abused."
Chrys, next to her, was looking down into her own cup. Her reflection stared back at her just as Twilight's stared out of her own. Twilight placed her hooves over Chrys's and the two leaned against each other for a moment, friends.
"You really think HE is the safest place for this kind of power?" Daring asked in disbelief.
And Twilight nodded. "Nobody's perfect. And he wouldn't even be the first to admit it."
"No, he wouldn't," Chrys added, giggling slightly.
"But he cares more than most. About us. He valiantly defends this town and if he breaks things, when things get broken, he's the first to try and fix them," Twilight continued. "There's always a better way, a "best" action you could take. But sometimes, it's more important to have someone brave enough to make an action and face the consequences and accept the responsibilities of that action, no matter what it is."
Chrys nodded. "That's not the kind of person that can do everything… but it is the kind of person who can do something."
Twilight smiled. "And with his friends, he can do anything."
"Who are you guys talking about?" Dan asked.
Both of them grinned. "Someone close to us."
"Ha, yeah, I'll bet," Dan walked over to the kitchen table. "So, Dare-bear, now that you've seen all our operations, whaddaya think?"
The archaeologist looked at all of them and then sighed. "I… I don't think I'm in any position to judge," she said. She clutched a pin on her coat pocket in one hoof.
"Sounds like an A-OK to me!" Dan delightfully declared. He grasped the edges of the table with both hands. "Now, would you like to hear about our latest plan?"
"Plan?" Daring asked.
Dan flipped the table upside down, the ponies and reptile quickly levitating or grabbing their tea and plates before the sudden shift could send them to the floor. On the other side of the table were drawings, notes and a detailed diagram of a base.
"What is this?" Daring asked.
"We call it Operation: Sucker Punch. It's our plan to strike back, to start taking the fight to Vice Grip. This is how we start taking back Equestria."
Palomino Flats, east of Appleloosa Enclave Research and Supply Station #3 "Halberd Base"
General Sharp Winter never actually attained the rank of general. Technically, he was the Enclave's general manager- he just dropped the 'manager' part of his title. But to the pegasi in the Enclave, that made him the leader and he carried himself as such. General Winter was an average-sized stallion but the dark green boots he wore made him look taller. His coat was dark blue and he had a white spiked mane and tail with a green Enclave officer's uniform and black aviators from when he used to cosplay. What was most distinctive and striking about him was his beard which extended down from his chin like a triangle, making his face look like an axe. He was sharp in more ways than one.
Enclave Leader General Sharp Winter Corruptor of Legacies
Walking down the narrow halls of Halberd Base, Enclave soldiers saluted the General as he passed. The Enclave base had been built for pegasi military; vertical space and access to the sky was at every opportunity. The corridors were so narrow they were only wide enough for one pony, similar to the way Raven Rock had been designed in Fallout 3. This design was supposed to allow for Enclave units to deploy easily to any part of the base but more often than not, they usually just wound up getting stuck in the hallways faster.
He flew up a flight of stairs rather than walk on it and arrived at the highest-most part of the base, the operations center. The Ops Center was a bunker-like room built on top of the base that served as a hardened flight control tower and command post. It was raised out of the center of the base itself to give it an impressive view of the surrounding area. The compound was shaped like a heptagon, similar to Blueblood's building but laid flat on the ground and only one story high. Surrounding the base was the standard barbed wire fence, small road for vehicles and in the back facing a mesa behind the base was a helipad for the Enclave's iconic and questionably-predatory Flutterbird aircraft.
"General?" the comms officer, Private Pierce, looked back from his station, "Call for you coming in. It's urgent."
Sharp didn't even look at the subordinate, instead crossing the ops center to the black refrigerator next to the radio.
"Sir?"
"Coffee first, private," General Winter said. "Coffee first." Whoever was contacting him, urgent or not, it could wait.
"Um... aye, sir."
The general fixed his coffee from the Mr. Coffee machine, mysteriously identical to the one Dan had in his own command center. Winter then added ice and half-and-half to it, a standard ritual. After a good few minutes making his coffee, he then activated the holographic interface in the center of the center to interface with whoever was calling. The shimmering blue figure of a bipedal scientist-stallion he knew all to well materialized before him. And he didn't look happy.
General Winter's eyes bulged and he spewed coffee through Vice's hologram, the spray distorting his face only briefly. "Ch-chancellor! Wha-what an unexpected pleasure!"
Vice smirked, making Winter involuntarily swallow. It was always worse when he smirked. "Clearly unexpected."
"Um... heh, uh, what can we do for you this morning?"
"You can start by updating me on the project."
"Um, uh," the general rubbed his neck, looking away.
The holographic Vice rapped his fingers on his forelegs, mechanical gauntlets folded. The Enclave was not originally a military organization; even though it had military tendencies, armament and discipline, those things were the result of Cloudsdale's flight training and just the pegasi themselves. They acted like soldiers, they dressed like soldiers, they were equipped, trained and drilled like soldiers, marched and flew in formation like soldiers, issued, obeyed and carried out orders like soldiers, ate, slept and lived every moment of their lives like soldiers. But they were not soldiers.
"Well?"
"Well, uh, we have made progress. With the project, as instructed."
"And?"
"We've almost finished the casing. It should be ready to launch soon," Winter explained hastily.
Vice's scowl turned to pleasant surprise. "Oh, excellent. That's good news indeed, General Winter; we can start planning phase-three then. Once the signal interceptor is online, we can technoport it straight to Earth. You're actually ahead of schedule!"
"Well..." General Winter looked down. "Not exactly, sir."
Vice's expression then turned to one of unpleasant surprise. "Wut."
"There's uh, there's been some setbacks, lord Chancellor. The signal interceptor is... missing."
There was a pause like they had connection loss. But Sharp knew that wasn't true. Vice had paused to process the information, to let awkward silence fill the air and suffocate the General with the sheer weight of his own failure. And every bit of it was what Sharp had earned, not that he would take responsibility for any of it.
Soldiers fight for those they protect, for the things they hold dear. Every soldier fights for someone in ways and in places and with, against and through things that others cannot. They're not always patriots, they don't always fight for what is right, they don't always make the right decisions and they're not always good people or even halfway decent people. But they choose to give up peace so that someone else may have it. It requires an amount of sacrifice to make that choice, an amount of honor to see it through and deserves an amount of respect. How much depends on the individual.
General Sharp Winter, Captain Springer and all the other Enclave ponies fought for themselves- they made no sacrifice, had no honor and deserved absolutely no respect. And it showed as the general sniveled in front of Vice like yet another in a long line of jackbooted servants. The Enclave originally was an acronym long since forgotten: the Emergency National Continuity of Law Administration and Value Enforcement. It was originally designed and implemented by Commander Hurricane herself after the Grand Pegasus Army disbanded in order to maintain discipline and vigilance among the pegasi in the event Equestria needed an army again.
And then the popular story Fallout: Equestria was published. After that, more culture from Earth started popping up: the Fallout video games, comics and even a tabletop RPG. Suddenly, an organization that never saw much use became a fan club. Some ponies like Captain Springer, who always wanted what they did to mean something, started seeing ways it might. That was when the Director came in.
"MISSING?!" Vice's voice broadcast through the loudspeakers in the base. "MISSING?! How can you toolboxes be so incompetent at your jobs?! The signal interceptor was from Fallout 4 for squee's sake! That's recent crap! AND YOU MORONS CAN'T HOLD ONTO IT? WHY DO YOU SUCK AT BEING A NERD?!"
Sharp winced, the feedback pulse making his ears ring. "We're still looking into it but we believe at this point that... Colonel Bandwidth may have taken it. We think he may have taken it apart and loaded it onto a Flutterbird."
Enclave Communications and Signal Expert Colonel Bandwidth? The Defective Defector(New ally?)
Vice stopped, seemed to consider the option at least before his next outburst. "Bandwidth? I don't even know who that is. I thought your name scheme had to do with the seasons."
Winter nodded. "It does. But we kept Autumn out of it in honor of Colonel Augustus Autumn from the third game."
"Hmm," Vice scratched his chin. "Appropriate."
"Yeah. We promoted Bandwidth to fill the gap in the chain. And because we needed a fourth and he's the only one really experienced with LARPing and has walkie talkies for when we-"
"I didn't ask what you did with him after school, dumbass," Vice cut him off. "If he's stolen a Flutterbird, use whatever means at your disposal to find him. Get him and the device back before he gets it to Dan and the rest of those ingrates."
"Yes sir, of course, sir," Sharp quickly said.
Vice settled, looked back at something Sharp couldn't see. "This wasn't just a courtesy call to see where you were with Cogsdale. I'm also informing you that an attack on your base is imminent."
"A-attack?"
"Correct. Seems Dan has set his sights on you for his first target, not that we didn't see that coming. But, now that I know where you're at with the project, I know you'll know what to do next."
"Of-of course, sir," the General said. "And uh, what is it that I know?"
Vice sighed heavily. "You'll launch the base. Even without the interceptor, its weapons systems should be fine, correct?"
Sharp scratched his neck again and nodded. "Oh, yeah. Right."
The scientist pinched his forehead. "Right. I suppose it would be good to recall our field agents, then? Maybe they could give you some help?"
"Yeah, that could help us out, sir, you're absolutely right."
"Of course I am."
"And we could use the rest of Raptor Wing, too," the general requested.
"Uh huh," Vice turned off the holographic projector and his image faded.
Around General Sharp Winter, the other Enclave ponies all had their eyes on him. "Well? Get back to work!" he barked at all of them. He then walked over and got another cup of coffee, sat down and pretended to search for the missing Flutterbird on the radar. None of them realized that Bandwidth had in fact been gone for over a month now and he hadn't so much as stolen the signal interceptor as much as he was just necessary to use it.
Bandwidth was a very paranoid paratrooper pegasus and had joined the Enclave originally because he thought Princess Celestia and Luna were responsible for some huge conspiracy. However, when the Enclave openly attacked and destroyed Cloudsdale, he began to have second thoughts about his decision. The colonel was an expert at sending and decoding transmissions and signals. Like the others in the Enclave, he was a pegasus, gray stallion with a green mane but he never wore any armor. No, Bandwidth refused to wear anything except for a distinctive aluminum foil hat that apparently had other functions than just being an odd fashion statement. And it had something to do with Dan's ion cannon.
Wearing a combat helmet and illustrating with a dressage whip like a modern day General George S. Patton, Dan explained every detail of his courageous plan to attack the Enclave base. He told Daring about every role, every contingency plan, every emergency scenario and even what they were planning on having for lunch that day. He walked her through the entire attack from beginning to end and when he was finished, Daring Do had just one question for him.
"Why is Phoenix the soy sauce bottle?" she asked. "Is it because he's Japanese?"
Phoenix leaned forward. "I asked the same thing. Apparently, it's because I'm the only one who uses it... except in cake." (And also, it would seem I'm Japifornian. I guess that's a thing now.)
"So, whaddaya think?" Dan asked enthusiastically. "Sheer genius or utter brilliance? I'm pretty fond of the phrase "genuine-"
"It's a disaster," Daring said flatly.
Dan, Phoenix, Chrys, Tux and the entire gang who happened to be sitting at the table looked at Daring. "Come again?"
"It's a disaster," Daring restated. "It's dangerous, it's reckless, none of you are trained for this kind of work, none of you are equipped for this kind of worked, you're going to be in enemy territory with no additional reinforcements or supplies and on top of all that, you're getting ketchup on the floor right now."
"Gah!" Dan realized he'd knocked over the bottle representing the enemy forces. Twilight used her magic to help put the cap back on the bottle while Fluffle went dutifully to work licking it up from the floor.
Daring tried to stop the fluffy mare. "Um, Fluffle, you really shouldn't-"
"*HSSSHHHH!*" she hissed in response and resumed licking.
"She'll be okay; we keep the floor sanitized," Chrys said.
"Well, spills and... training and that other stuff aside, I really think this plan can work," Dan said. "We have a lot of things they don't, including the element of surprise. Believe me when I say that can make a difference in just about any situation."
"They're prepared for surprises," Daring said insistently. "I've worked with the Enclave before and now they've got military hardware to match their discipline. They're like the Shadowbolts and the royal guard combined. They won't just repel you; they'll kill you. You guys really shouldn't do this."
Dan looked disheartened at Daring's remarks. Even his confidence could be bruised sometimes, especially by those he respected. But that was when his friends came to his defense.
"We've fought these guys before," Twilight said, putting her hoof on Dan's back. "Maybe not like this but we have seen how they fight. We know how they'll react which means we'll be able to control what comes next. Their training makes them predictable while our... unorthodox-ness makes us harder to predict," she said, smiling.
Surprisingly, even Phoenix supported the idea. "We also have magic and a solid plan of action. Those are two things they won't be counting on. We can defend ourselves if something goes wrong and even if we don't take the base, an attack would prove we can mount an offensive."
Daring looked at the lawyer, almost appalled. "You're seriously going along with this? You?"
Phoenix walked up behind Dan and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, smiling. "The funny thing is, I'm kind of looking forward to it. Sure, it's not the safest thing we could be doing but we're being as safe as we can. Doing this will show we're willing to stand up for Equestria against tyranny and that's exactly what we'll do."
Chrys nodded, joining her almost-boyfriend. "I'd follow Dan anywhere. And we know a thing or two about getting around their tech. They may have numbers, training and firepower but... we have Dan," she said, hugging into the human and making him blush. Her wings buzzed behind her as Dan slowly, almost imperceptibly hugged back.
"And we do happen to have firepower," a voice said behind them. Walking up from the back of the kitchen, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder both trotted in, dressed in a fashion akin to a combination of Solid Snake and Demoman.
"We gathered up about everything explosive in town."
"And several things that aren't explosive but will be soon."
"And we put them all together."
"And made a buncha bombs."
"Bunches!"
"Excellent!" Dan exclaimed, rubbing his hands together. "With the MY-Wing bringing in the heavy firepower, we'll be able to capture the base and burn a message into their skulls they won't soon forget."
Tuxley set his tea down. "You must admit, Miss Daring, their tenacity is impressive."
"You're with them too, now?" Daring asked.
The t-rex nodded. "I believe I am. Their plan doesn't appear to be foolhardy to me. Not only that, to fight for one's kingdom and countrymen is what a gentleman does." He turned to his manservant beside him. "Reginald, you packed our sparring gear?"
The crystal pony nodded. "But of course, sir."
"And the fencing equipment?"
A small smile flashed across Reginald's face. "Naturally."
Tuxley smiled. "We are prepared. We shall do our duty for our allies."
Daring shook her head in futility. "I guess if you're all committed to it, all I can say is... good luck."
"Awww... you're not coming with us, Daring?" Spike asked, carrying a bazooka twice the size of his body.
The archaeologist adjusted her pith helmet. "I work alone- Tux and Reggie can tell you that themselves."
"I'm afraid, that's true," Tuxley said, folding his arms.
"Come on, Daring!" Chrys said, turning into a copy of Daring. "With you at our side, they don't stand a chance!"
"I know, right?" Dan said, agreeing. "I mean, come on! Your books- you've taken on hundreds of bad guys at the same time and won. We're just doing the same thing!"
"That was because I didn't have a choice," Daring countered. "You all do. You're safe here with the town shielded and with... the ion cannon so FIST isn't a threat to you. I wish you all the best of fortune when you liberate your country." She turned around and headed for the door. And the entire group had somehow shifted and was now in front of her.
"Awwwwww," they unanimously 'awwwww'd'.
"We're doing this for everypony in Equestria," Twilight said. "Both everypony in the kingdom and the whole planet. Not to mention Earth, too."
"That's right!" Dan exclaimed. "That mechanical reject Vice Grip will blow everything and everypony up if we don't."
"And that's not what we're about," Blast Powder said.
"Let's make fires of peace! Jetterz!" Blast Fuse proclaimed.
"We have to do what's right to protect others, Daring," Phoenix added. "All it takes for evil to win is for good to do nothing." (Wow, I wish Maya could hear me say this. Maybe I should make a recording.)
"Thppp-thppp thppp,." (Just bring her with you next time, silly!)
(Good idea.)
Daring raised an eyebrow. "Using my own books against me, huh?" she sighed heavily. "Alright, fine. I'll come with you on your attack."
"HOORAY!!" the gang cheered, confetti descended from the ceiling and a random balloon with the tag "Three years of successful updates! Congratulations!" floated by as well.
Daring wiped off some of the confetti from her hat. "There's just one question, Dan."
"Yeah?"
She looked at them, looked at all of them. "You've talked about how you're going to breach the defenses, how you're going to trick their turrets, break their shield with your bomber, penetrate the base's armor and take control of the whole thing but... what are you going to do about the Enclave?"
They all looked at Dan, knowing he would give the answer. The human placed his hands on his hips and smiled confidently and said, "I'm going to beat the *squee*ing *squee* out of them with my bare hands."
They all knew he was being serious even if he was being silly at the same time. More than that, they knew he could do it. There was a point where you stopped predicting, where you stopped focusing on how things can or can't happen, what things will or won't work, what things do and what things don't. There was a point, place and time where you stopped worrying and realized that some people at some times, even you, simply make things happen despite the odds. Everyone in the library knew that already: they realized that Dan would make it work. Because Dan does.
Daring looked at all of them. They believed that this one loud, angry man could do anything. They believed he could do the impossible. She knew what that was like- to be looked up to in spite of your obvious flaws... or not-so obvious ones. It made her jealous, in a way. But she would join them just the same. She just hoped she'd be alive to write about it afterwards.
"Sounds like a plan, Dan," Daring said.
Dan clapped his hands. "It's settled! Welcome to the team, Daring Do!"
"Heh, cool. What do you guys call yourselves?"
"Eh, dunno."
Chrys tapped her chin. "How about Citizens United Delivering Defense, Love and Enforcement and Ponies Intent on Liberating Equestria?"
"Hmmm," Dan considered. "Not bad. Get working on the t-shirt."
"Yay!"
"After we get back from attacking the base," Dan added. "Alright, now, everypony, since we've got a new member, you all know what that means."
They looked at each other. None of them knew what that meant.
"It means we get to go over the attack plans again! Starting with A and revising everything to Q!"
"Awwwwww," the group groaned.
"Now, now," Dan said, ushering them back into the kitchen, "Faster we get started, faster we put it into action."
"There goes the afternoon," Spike remarked, heading back into the kitchen with the others.
And so Dan revised every instance, phase and step of each plan to attack Halberd Base one-by-one, integrating Daring Do, Tuxley and Reginald into it every time. She was represented by, coincidentally, a can of Mountain Daring Dew, the soft drink that used her as a mascot. The deliberations continued late into the evening and the gang ordered pizzas for dinner while Dan revised his plans. When all was said and done, they decided on Plan A yet again, just with new guys keeping an extra watch on things.
As they all adjourned for the evening, Daring, Tuxley and Reginald were given the guest rooms to use for the night. At Twilight's request and because it was getting late, Dan did not brief them on evacuation and security protocols. He armed the security system and hit the hay himself.
"Hey, thanks for joining us, Daring," Chrys said, just as the two were heading for bed.
"You're welcome. And thanks for having me," she replied, only the slightest awkwardness in her voice.
"I know things can kind of seem crazy sometimes but... we get through it," Chrys said. "Together, we get through it."
Daring smiled at her, a small thank you for her kind words. "I can tell."
"Anyway, night-night," the changeling queen said. "Get some rest for tomorrow; Dan'll be making waffles in the morning."
"Okay, good night," the pegasus said. She closed the door behind her.
The room Daring Do had been given was one of the ground floor guest rooms newly-installed after the renovation. Like all the other rooms in the house, there was a well-stocked bookshelf in it; this particular one held extra copies of books. One of them was one she had written. She looked at the tome, a modest-sized hardback novel and brushed her hoof over the picture on the cover. The title read: Daring Do and The Shifting Sands of Saddle Arabia. It was one of her earliest books, one that she had completed just shortly after the adventure itself years ago.
She looked at the mare on the cover, read a few of the words. She remembered writing them, remembered being there but the book... was foreign to her. It felt as if the events had happened to another mare, been written by another pony with far different things on her mind. A pony that knew she could make things happen, too. A pony that didn't believe in impossible. A naive, young mare who still had a thirst for adventure... and a lot of heart.
Daring cast the book aside, letting it hit the floor like and splay open. She didn't care about it anymore, didn't think of herself as that same mare. She had fallen so far. She could not let the same happen to them. She wouldn't.
Just as she was about to roll over and forget everything, there was a knock at her door.
"Hey, Daring?" a voice asked her. At first, she didn't recognize who it was but rolling over, she realized it was Dan. His hands were behind his back.
"Oh... hey."
"Hey, uh, I was just wondering..." he scratched his neck somewhat nervously. "Sense we're gonna be a bit busy tomorrow, what with the going to war and everything, I was wondering if you could do me a... little favor."
"Um... sure, what is it?"
Dan pulled out a book from behind his back. She looked at the cover: Daring Do and The Shifting Sands of Saddle Arabia. It was identical to the one on the floor but a bit more worn. He apparently hadn't seen the other one.
"I was... y'know, just wondering... that is, if you had the time-"
"You want me to sign it?"
The human nodded. "Yeah. Well, not for me but for the library, you know, to have some posteriority for the books. I mean, not that it isn't for me too, it's just that... well, if it's signed, it's a bit more prestigious for the library and-"
She smiled at him. "Do you have a quill?"
"OH! Crap, hold on," he rushed off to get one.
Slowly, Daring got back out of bed and replaced the other copy of her book back on the shelf. If somepony else wanted to believe in Daring Do, well...
Dan burst back into the room again. "Here! Got a pen for you."
The famed archaeologist signed the book, an action she'd performed more times than she cared to count. She then paused, taking a long look at her signature. It didn't look foreign to her at all. She kept writing, even filled out an entire black page in the back- a special message for Dan.
The human looked puzzled at what was taking so long but he was patient. When she was done, she hoofed it to him and kept both covers of the book firmly closed.
"I need you to do something for me."
"Oh, sure. Anything, just name it."
"Don't read it until after you take that base. Okay?"
Dan nodded. "Okay. I will. Hey uh, thanks," he held the book close and bolted back at the door. "The library thanks you for your contribution!"
Daring hopped back into bed. "I didn't do it for the library." The human stopped just before closing the door and looked back as he heard her say it. She caught him looking back and they both smiled.
The next morning, Dan was one of the first ones awake. "Morning, everypony!"
"Morning," Phoenix said, already undressed from his pajamas and in his spiffy blue suit. "I got my disguise ready."
"Good, we should be ready to begin Operation: Sucker Punch after breakfast."
"Already started on breakfast!" Twilight and Spike called from the kitchen.
"Oh ho," Dan chuckled, entering the kitchen to see for himself. "But do you remember what we're having for breakfast today?"
"Of course, Dan," Chrys said, blushing. "Pancakes when workdays, cereal, french toast and etc. for play days and waffles-"
"When you go to war," Dan said, the two completing the oath simultaneously. "You guys are learning well."
"Because you're an awesome teacher," she said, giving him a squeeze. Just briefly, he squeezed back. He then walked into the center of the kitchen.
"But, before we get started, I want to check on the plan one more time."
"Not that you need to," Chrys said. "By now, we've all got them memorized from A to Q."
"Haha, I know, I know but I just want to be sure," the human said. He lifted up the table. "WHAT?!?!"
"IT'S GONE! The plans, the diagrams, everything it's all gone!" Dan said, flipping to the table and pointing at it's bottom. "Someone erased it all!!"
Phoenix looked closer. "It looks like it's been wiped off completely. Look! The water's still wet on there!"
"Who did this?!" Dan demanded, looking around.
"Relax, Dan, don't we all have copies on our phones?" Chrys said, holding up her changeling-themed cell phone.
"Right! Good thinking," Dan whipped out his own phone and quickly scrawled through it. "No... NO! It's gone! They're all gone, every plan!!"
Chrys, Twilight, Spike and Phoenix did the same.
"Hey, where's my magatama?!" Phoenix yelled.
Suddenly, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder stormed through the door from the basement. "THEY'RE GOOOOOONNNNNEEE!!!"
"What's gone?!"
"THE BOMBSSSSS!!!" They yelled simultaneously and then broke down, crying. They held each other.
"We spent all that time making them."
"We gathered the supplies."
"Had to outsource and order new stuff!"
"Cooking recipes!"
"THEY'RE GONE!"
"THEY'RE ALL GONE!!"
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
"Calm down, calm down! Everypony calm down!" Twilight said. "There's a perfectly logical explanation for all of this. Dan, did you check the security system?"
"No! That's right, I'll check it now!" Dan bolted off to the front door.
"Is the MY-Wing still in the hangar?" Phoenix asked.
The two sisters nodded. "Mm-hmm..."
"That's strange," the lawyer remarked.
"What's strange, Phoenix?" Twilight asked.
"Well, it seems like whoever stole this stuff wanted to sabotage our attack. But the crucial piece of equipment- the bomber- is still intact. Why would they steal everything else?"
"Hmm," Twilight tapped her chin. "I don't know. Maybe-"
Dan walked back into the kitchen. His face was blank.
"What's wrong, Dan?"
He said nothing but placed a single piece of brown parchment on the table.
"What is this?" Twilight asked, picking it up.
"That... was on the security console," Dan finally said.
Twilight read the note. "Dear Dan and the others- by the time you read this, I will be long gone. Believe me when I say I do this to keep all of you and Equestria safe. It pains me to say you cannot attack the Enclave and I implore you to let the matter rest. Be safe, be vigilant and I promise things will work out better this way. Sincerely..." Twilight trailed off. She couldn't read the last name.
It was in all of their minds, the name at the end of the letter. They all looked to Dan.
Dan's entire body shook with white hot-cold rage. His face burned a boiling red, his temperature rising across his skin to the top of his head. His fists balled, he threw his arms up into the air and shouted:
"I dare say!" Tuxley said, "Master Dan, was that one of your famous Versus Shouts? Reginald!"
"Yes, sir."
"Prepare the phones to record the next time Dan delivers his boisterous battlecry. We must save it for posteriority!"
"Indubitably, sir."
"I'm going after her!" Dan declared. He stomped toward the door like a storm heading Daring's way.
"Dan, hold on."
"Yeah, wait a second," Twilight and Chrys stopped him. Their combined love and just a little bit of their magic on his shoulders, they stopped him before he marched outside.
"There's no time!" Dan protested, allowing himself to be turned around. "Every moment, she's further away from us WITH ALL OF OUR PLANS! What happens if she gets intercepted by the Enclave, hmm?"
"We don't know where she's going yet," Phoenix said. "All we do know is that she apparently stole most of our equipment relating to our planned attack either sometime last night or this morning and left a note." (And I'm actually a bit happy about the note part. Definitely makes investigating a lot easier.)
Tuxley raised his two-taloned claw. "If I may interject, the DeLorean seems to be missing as well."
Dan's face went blank. "That's it! I'm leaving right now and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"
"Dan," Twilight put a hoof on his shoulder. "Dan!" Chrys grabbed his waist. And "Dan..." Phoenix put a hand on his other shoulder.
The human turned around. "What?! What, what, what do you want?!"
Chrys walked up to him. "It's dangerous to go alone! Take this." She presented him with his Pain Cane, the weapon he'd only seldom used since forging it.
"Also, you're going to need this," Twilight fixed a purple hooves-free device to his ear with her cutie mark on it.
"And these," Phoenix handed him a set of keys.
"What are the keys for?"
Phoenix smiled. "Your chariot is fixed finally. Just call it in and Gust Grasp's boys will deliver it right to the doorstep."
Dan looked at the keys, then looked up at Phoenix. "You had those pirate buzzards working on MY chariot?! And I thought that stool pigeon was still tied to his stool! Errr, chair."
"Shining and Cadence needed his help to repair the ship, so we let him out on the condition he help them fix it so we can use it," Spike explained.
"Grrrr..." Dan snarled at the idea of letting Gust off the leash. "Fine. But if he gets out of line even once, I'll be making a bucket of boneless wings the hard way."
"These chicken gags are just getting more and more inhumane as we go on," Chrys said, looking puzzled. "Why do I love them so much?"
"One of the few constants in the multiverse, it would seem," Tuxley said.
"Also," Phoenix continued, "I'm coming with you."
"And so are we!" Blast Fuse and Blast Powder declared, jumping into the center in animated delight.
"Dare-bear made this personal."
"She crossed the line!"
"D'awwww," Dan patted them on their heads. "You guys want revenge too, huh?"
They nodded, narrow-eyedly. "Nopony bans our bombs!"
"Not after that mix-up at the film festival."
"Those were different kinds of bombs. The kind that people pay eight bucks and get a ticket for."
"Those poor children... who had to sit through those Pauly Shore movies."
Dan beamed with pride at the two mares. "That was Danspirational, Blasties. Alright, Twilight!"
"Yes, Captain?" Twi saluted.
"I'm taking Nicky and the boomers to get Daring back. I want you all here to be ready for the attack, coordinate things from the command center right here. Got it?"
"Aye-aye, Dan!" she said.
"Chrys, I want you to transform into me."
The changeling did so just as he finished the sentence. "You don't have to say twice~"
"I want you to go out with Fluffle and make it look like you're taking her for a walk. Do what I would do- yell at things, threaten things, vandalize something. You know, the usual. That way, if we're being watched, they'll think I'm still here."
Chrys nodded. "I can dig it," she said in Dan's voice.
"This is a good idea," Phoenix said. "If Daring informs the Enclave at all, they'll be expecting all of us to assault the base, especially Dan. A smaller team like this has a better chance of catching them off-guard."
Dan slammed his fist into his palm. "Alright! We're back on track for the sneak attack! Let's get going!"
"Right! Good luck, everypony!"
"For Equestria!"
"AND REVENNNNNNGGGE!!" Dan shouted. He led Phoenix and the the twins out the door. "Okay, now to call in our ride," he fiddled with the device attached to his ear. "Does anyone know how to use one of these?"
"Look, over here," Phoenix pointed, walking further out into the street. "Tire tracks. Looks like Daring left in a hurry."
"Yeah, and there's only one set so we know they're not from the car chase yesterday," Dan remarked.
"Heh, I know," Phoenix said.
"What do you mean?"
Phoenix grinned bashfully. "Well, who do you think switched on the ion cannon for you?"
Dan slapped the taller human on the arm. "Ah, I can always count on you to back me up, Nicky."
"What if she wants us to follow the tracks?" Blast Powder said, waving her hoof.
"It's kind of a long shot but she could be trying to lead us into a trap," her sister added.
Phoenix shrugged. "It's a possibility but it's our only lead right now."
"Yeah, but I get what they're saying," Dan said, staring at the tire marks in the dirt. "What if the whole thing was a setup from the beginning? What if Big Rover coming here was all just for show?"
"That's a possibility," Phoenix said, pulling out his cell phone. He pressed a single button and held it to his ear. "Phoenix to All of My Yes, ground team is ready to head out."
"Copy ground team, I take it you'll be wanting the wheels, then?"
"Yes, please."
"Gotcha. Dropships inbound, good luck down there."
From the temporary Cloudsdale, a trio of shadows emerged and quickly descended to the ground. When they came closer, it became evident they were actually aerial vehicles from the Halo franchise: a small one-person Hornet, a larger green Pelican dropship carrying Dan's chariot and a big silver-gray Longsword fighter with green windswept stripes on it. Dan and Phoenix, having never really played many video games, did not recognize them.
"The heck do they get all this crap?" Dan asked, watching the vehicles land.
"I can answer that," a voice said in his earpiece. The Hornet's cockpit slid open and out jumped Gust Grasp. "Also Danny Boy, you work your new comm-thingy with your phone. Press the button on the front to toggle between frequencies and press the one in the back to switch to all comms at once. And you can adjust other frequencies by-"
"GRAAAAHHH!!" Dan ran up and tackled the griffon during his explanation.
"AAAHHH! What did I do?! What did I do?!"
"Quit squirming!" Dan turned around. He held out his keys and clicked the alarm attached. The security system, which had been targeting Gust, powered down. "Daring must've triggered the security system when she left early. It went into standby mode."
"Standby mode? What's it going to do in standby mode?" Gust asked.
"Shoot anything that comes in range of the mailbox and the front door," Dan replied.
"Oh... how nice," Gust said, swallowing.
"You owe me one, Guster," Dan said, standing. He let the griffon get himself up.
"Gee, thanks," Gust said, standing. The vehicles detached from the other two craft- Dan's chariot and a trailer.
A marine, also from the Halo series, hopped off the ramp of the Longsword and hooked the trailer to the chariot. Dan and Phoenix watched him, curious as to what another human was doing here. But the man gave no reason- simply hitched the trailer and then hopped in the vacant Hornet. He gave them both a two-fingered salute/sendoff. "Good luck, sir! We're all rooting for ya!" The three craft then ascended as quickly as they had landed, flying back up into the sky over Ponyville.
"And again I will ask," Dan said, watching the ships fly away, "where in the heck do you get this stuff?"
"Who was that guy?" Phoenix asked.
"Ah, that was Chips. Him, Marcus, Bob, Cliff and Barry were summoned here by accident," Gust explained. "Cliff, Bob and Barry are working on getting us more recon data. They were all on a test flight of some kind when they were summoned."
"Summoned?" Phoenix, Dan and the Blasties asked simultaneously.
"What, like me?" Dan asked.
Gust shrugged. "Summoning magic- it has to have a frame of reference in this universe in order to work. In other words, you can't summon something from a universe that's not connected to this one in some way. Kind of a real catch, isn't it?"
"So all this crap from video games, books and movies, that was all summoned here?" Dan asked.
"That's what I was told," Gust answered. "When I signed up to raid for ole' Vice Grip, they gave me all sorts of weapons and new ships. But Private Dubbo and Sergeant Stacker were kind of brought by accident- they were asleep inside the Pelican when it got warped here. Those two Spartan-III guys, Cliff and Bob along with that other Marine pilot Barry, they were sent to rescue them.Summoning spells can summon anything from any universe that exists in some form in this one but it can't summon something from a universe to the same universe."
Phoenix rubbed his chin. "So that's why Twilight was able to summon me here... because the games I'm in exist here." (But not even Twilight knew that when she summoned me the first time. I guess the summoning spells have rules to them, too, otherwise, we could just summon something that could beat Vice Grip easily.)
"Who summoned all this stuff?" Dan asked. "And why?"
"Heh," Gust grinned. "You know who it is already, pal: the Director."
"Him again," they all remarked.
"Yep. The Director found out you can summon things from video games from this old book called the Arcane Apology. Supposedly, it's the handbook for cross-dimension spells but it's not from Equestria," Gust explained. "Anyway, handheld games were easiest at first and Lightning Claw happened to have a DS and a PSP with him. But Vice didn't like any of the Metal Gears they summoned so Vice stole the designs and built his own based on ponies."
"Yeah..." Blast Fuse touched her hooves together innocently. "She also summoned Bomberman here so we could get his autograph... we're kinda fans."
"Huh," Dan commented, looking actually impressed. "I guess that does make sense. I mean, me, I'd just summon Captain America or somebody to beat the crap out of Vice and set things right. Or a giant walker or a bunch of super weapons, too. But I don't need any of that garbage BECAUSE I'M NOT TRYING TO BLOW UP THE WORLD!" he raged. "Seriously, I just go to Pone Depot."
Gust's grin got a little wider. "And where do you think Pone Depot got an ion cannon from?"
Dan's face actually got paler. "No... you're kidding."
"Well, to be fair, Pone Depot just got the plans for the ion cannon- that thing on your house is actually a different version than anything from the movies."
"Ah," Dan nodded. "That does make me feel a bit better. And I'm guessing this Director is summoning everything that Vice and the Enclavers want at this point? Like stuff from the Fallout games?"
Surprisingly, Gust shook his head. "That's actually a big no."
"No?"
"Big no."
"Explain, eight-piece," Dan prodded him.
The griffon chuckled. "First, the Enclave ponies are obsessed with Fallout: Equestria, not Fallout. They've played the games and could give a crap less about them. What they want can't be summoned."
Dan balled his fists. "Then, what is it they want?" he asked, already having an idea of what he was going to give them.
"They want Fallout: Equestria to be real, for the most part. They want stuff from Kkat's story but..." Gust smiled sharply, "they can't summon any of it."
"AND WHY NOT?"
"Can you think of no reason?" Gust asked. He walked around, circling the human. "Plasma weapons, power armor, gunships, Vice Grip made all of those. And no, they're not the same as the ones from that universe... but maybe they will be."
"What are you talking about?" he stopped the griffon. "It's garbage- it's a bunch of creepy techno-junk that a bunch of fanboys got their hooves on and used it to commit a crime against Equestria. It is NOT evidence-"
"It's the future," Gust cut him off. "They can't summon anything from the universe they love... because they're in it. Fallout: Equestria is the future of this universe."
Dan felt like smacking the buzzard's beak off. "That's not the future, that's not ANY future, IT'S A *squee*ING BOOK!" He immediately hopped on the chariot.
Gust held up a claw. "Did you want to know what's in the-"
"GET ON THE CHARIOT!" he yelled. "I AM GOING TO NAIL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THOSE CRAZY BASTARDS TO THE WALL IN THEIR SARDINE CANS!"
Phoenix, the Blasties and Gust boarded after that. Dan revved the segway handlebars on it and the vehicle sped down the road. He tapped his hooves-free device. "Derpy?"
"Hi Dan!"
"Hi Derpy, listen-"
"Is that Derpy?" Blast Powder asked. "Tell her we said hi!"
"Hi Derpy!" Blast Fuse said.
"Hi guys!" Derpy said back, into Dan's ear.
Wincing from sheer frustration, Dan endured it and said, "Derpy says hi."
"Yay!"
"Okay, Derpy?"
"Yes, Dan?"
"I need you and the neighborhood watch to fly to our position. We're about ready to take the fight to the Enclave and we're gonna need air support," Dan said, determination in his voice.
"Oh. Okay!" Derpy said, delighted just to be helping. "You guys want us to bring muffins, too?"
Dan thought about that for a moment. "Yes. Bring muffins."
"Okay, how many?"
"A *squee*ton," he replied, and turned off the earpiece.
"You call in backup, Dan?" Phoenix asked.
"And breakfast," Dan answered. They all knew what that meant. The trailer and its unknown contents rattling behind them, they sped off to the west for the Enclave base. When Dan was done with them, they were going to wish they'd summoned themselves anywhere but there.
Halberd Base "Cogsdale" Superweapon completion rate: 97%
The door slammed awkwardly loudly as General Winter shut it behind him. It announced his presence to the rest of the ponies in the staff room, who quieted upon noticing him. It wasn't his intent and he awkwardly stared at his assembled subordinates for a good few moments before he finally continued walking up to the projector. The majority of the base's troopers were in the room, filling it all the way to the back. The squadron leaders occupied classroom-style desks near the front including Captain Springer.
General Winter knew what he was supposed to be like- leader of the Enclave, the Director wanted him to exude an aura of cold confidence and intimidation, the calculated mind of a tactical genius and military commander one could expect to conquer Equestria. What he was was an inept former weather operator the Cloudsdale Weather Management team only trusted to handle logistics during winter when they needed extra help. In short, he wasn't qualified to lead a kickball team, much less a paramilitary insurrectionist organization.
"*Ah-herm*," he cleared his throat, "We've received uh..."
"Intelligence, sir."
"Intelligence that an attack on this base is imminent." He paused to let that news sink in but apparently it wasn't news. He was surprised at the lack of surprise. Apparently, his news had only been news to him. "Um... anyway, Dan's on his way here now and our source says he has the firepower to at least breach the base's defenses."
A few murmurs indicated the Enclave pegasi had not already known that fact. Captain Springer raised her hoof. "What sort of ordinance is it?"
"A bomber, from what we understand. But, he apparently has a plan to cut through each layer of our defenses through... diversionary tactics."
"What, like a distraction?"
The general nodded. "Blast Fuse and Blast Powder- Hydra Squadron's own former demolitions experts are with him. We expect they will be aiding him in getting through our shields somehow. We will not let that happen," Sharp said, starting to pace. "The chancellor has made it clear that there can be no retreat. We've been assigned the rest of Raptor Wing and also Dread Wing and Venom Wing. Together with our pegasi here already, that puts our numbers over three-hundred battle-ready combat units."
More excited comments this time. Ponies discussed among themselves the ramifications of what they were being told, what all this meant.
Springer looked at her hooves, as if she could see each and every unit, each and every pegasus before her. "That's... the entire Enclave, sir."
General Winter held his own hooves up like he was counting. Halfway through, he stopped. "Well, most of it, anyway. Hammer, Sickle and Rook Squadrons are remaining at Prosperity to maintain air defense there but the rest of the Enclave is being recalled from active deployments to... uh, here. Also, because Cogsdale is almost complete, it will be launched when Dan gets here to give him a bit of a surprise," he said, grinning.
The other ponies looked excited at that remark. Counter-surprising a surprise attack was a good plan. Even going against Dan, this had a chance to work. But Springer didn't look convinced.
"But sir," she waved her hoof, "if we already have the turrets, Cogsdale and the troops we have here, why are we getting so many reinforcements? Won't this leave the other bases vulnerable?"
The general nodded again. "It will. There is another reason we're rallying the whole Enclave. We're committing all of our forces to this base because we have received word that Dan is doing the same. He is risking it all... including the last of his air defenses. The last pegasi loyal to Celestia."
The room became loud suddenly. Even the ponies who had been silently listening were now excited by the prospect of this counter-attack. They all knew what this meant: with the other pegasi from Cloudsdale still their prisoners, the Enclave would be the last active pegasi in Equestria. The skies would truly belong to them and they would reign unchallenged as the only creatures that could fly. That was their dream, their ultimate goal: to own the skies.
Once the Enclave controlled the skies, they would use the weather as they saw fit. Not only that, they would outlaw the use of airships, balloons, planes and anything else that flew and wasn't a pegasi. No longer would they be at the mercy of waiting for blimps to get out of the way, no more would helicopters chop up their clouds or airships pollute their sky. The skies would be for pegasi alone. And then, they would reach higher.
Another pegasus squadron leader, Staccato aka "Stacks", raised his own hoof. "What's Dan's air support, sir? How many units?"
Sharp Winter hesitated for a moment, looked away and considered his words carefully. "Well... there's just one squadron. Apparently, they were called in after Cloudsdale was destroyed."
It was obvious he was hiding something. "What's the name of the squadron, sir?" Springer asked.
"Rogue Squadron," Winter said.
Every pegasus became silent again. They all turned their eyes, now worried, to the front of the room. Some of them were begging they misheard him, others hoping it was some kind of a joke.
"Are... you sure?" Springer asked, lowering her hoof and sinking back into her chair.
Sharp nodded quickly. "We are. IFF matches, as does their callsign and identification. Edge Antares is in command with Derpy serving as an advisor and providing Dan with air support. They are all presently heading for us. And we will hold out against them."
"Hold out?" Staccato repeated. "They're Rogue Squadron! No one holds out against them!" he said, standing.
"They could be here already... they could be scoping out the base right now!"
"The Shadowbolts, maybe, the Wonderbolts, sure but not the Rogues!"
"I didn't sign up for this! I'm getting outta here!"
"SETTLE DOWN!" General Sharp Winter bellowed. "All of you... just sit down and shut up!"
They all obeyed him, for what it was worth. He was flustered not just at their own reaction but at himself. He knew he was afraid of them, too and for good reason. Very good reason.
Rogue Squadron was a lot like the Enclave: they were fans who took their love for something and applied it to their lives in Equestria. But while the Enclave were fans of Fallout: Equestria, the Rogues were fans of a series of old, worn books from the back of the Golden Oakes Library- the Star Wars: X-Wing novels from the nineties, the comics and the games that bore the Rogue Squadron name. They had even been offered to join the Enclave but had declined long ago for reasons only they knew. Like Daring Do, it appeared they worked alone. Or rather, within their own team and their own terms.
The fact that both groups of ponies were hardcore fans and pegasi were where the similarities ended. While the Enclave took their obsession too seriously, Rogue Squadron did not. Edge Antares and the ponies calling themselves Rogue Squadron volunteered to protect Equestria's borders and the very fringes of Equestrian territory as a civil air patrol service. It's largely a very demanding and difficult job that requires constant vigilance and a willingness to obey multiple international regulations and local customs and rules simultaneously. It wasn't showy or flashy in any way, it wasn't as well recognized as the Wonderbolts, it was incredibly dangerous and as a job, it wasn't even clearly defined. But it was necessary to keep Equestria safe.
When Rogue Squadron first arrived at the furthest of Equestrian lands, trouble stopped. Stories about the Rogues' heroism became the stuff of legend: they fought pirates, smugglers, renegade dragons, storms, canine raiders with jetpacks, Gust Grasp's griffons on multiple occasions, criminals of every stripe, color and species and even the windegos. Unlike the Enclave, ponies in Equestria looked at Rogue Squadron as something more than fans- they were real. Rumors began to circulate that they were the actual heroes from the book in pony form, though their leader, Edge, would be the first to deny this.
They had been awarded many medals and commendations, all of which had to be accepted on their behalf. They remained on patrol and in service to Equestria, knights of the air, not quite black or white. And over three-hundred missions later, they were undefeated.
"I know what this all means," Sharp said, pacing again.
"It means we're screwed. We're screwed, man!" Thorn, the leader of Mace Squadron, yelled and got up.
Even Captain Springer got up. "We have to evacuate the base! Launch the Cogsdale to cover our Flutterbirds and set the base to self-destruct!"
"We're not going anywhere," Winter said firmly. "This is our chance! Our chance to finally rid Equestria of Dan, of Derpy, and yes, of Rogue freaking Squadron and take the skies for ourselves! We'll finally have what we wanted, we'll be the REAL Grand Pegasus Enclave and cover the whole planet in clouds from pole to pole! The stratosphere will be our kingdom and we will rule as angels above the forsaken Earth below! Just as Commander Hurricane always wanted! AEGIS SEMPER CAELUM!!" he saluted valorously. A salute which was returned by only a few reluctant pegasi.
"Aegis semper caelum!" Springer shouted. Despite their bravery, several of the Enclave ponies had already left, either out of fear or to use the vending machines in the hallway.
For the rest of them, Sharp pulled down a projector screen at the front of the room. "*Ah-herm,* Anyway, out defense plan is straight-forward. In order to help prepare you for... what is to come, we've prepared for you a short film. Ehh... enjoy."
"We're no strangers to love~"
"OH, gawddammit!!"
"You know the rules, and so do-"
"SHUT IT OFF! Shut it off, shut it off!" The projector switched off. "Friggin lawyers... I'm gonna kill Payne."
"It's not my fault! Someone replaced the reel with-"
"SHUDDUP!" the general yelled again. "Find the real reel or the next court you'll be in will be the one that sentences you to the firing squad!"
"Gah!" Writhe N. Payne panicked, nearly knocking off the projector and his own glasses as he struggled to find the correct film. He quickly flipped the same reel upside down and fed it back into the projector again. Somehow, it worked.
~FIST and Friends Presents~ Dive into Divorce: How Splitting Up can be Splendiferous! with your pals, Troy McClure and Cuba Gooding Jr.
A yellow-skinned man and a guy in a blue dinosaur costume walked to the center of the screen from opposite directions. They stood in the middle of a picturesque green field on a bright sunny day.
"Hi, I'm Troy McClure," the yellow one said. "You might remember me from such legal films as Ernest Goes to a Concentration Camp and The Walking Dead: The Musical. But today, I'm here to talk to you about something we all go through at least twice in your life- divorce."
The costumed man took off his dinosaur outfit's head to speak. "That's right, Troy. Hi, I'm Cuba Gooding Jr. and you might remember me from, well, when I had a career. Like when I played Rod in Jerry Maguire. I got an academy award for that role."
"It's no secret that the divorce rate is higher than it's ever been. And that means the time to get out is now!" Troy said ecstatically, taking a Captain Morgan pose. "Divorce attorneys are ready right now to turn the codependent estate you and your beloved spouse have been working on into mostly yours and very little theirs! Did you buy a car or house while you were married? Afraid you'll have to share it with your husband/wife forever? With the right counsel representing you, it can be one-hundred percent yours even if their income was what paid off most of it in the first place!"
"I was in Radio. Pearl Harbor! A Few Good Men! I was in movies, real movies! What the hell happened?!"
"But I know what you're asking- 'Troy, how is a divorce attorney going to get me what should belong to both parties when we signed a prenuptial agreement?' Well, that's simple: through the magic of legal manipulation!"
"If people are gonna say I screwed up because of Snow Dogs well, you know what? Those people can go screw themselves. Even Will Smith did Shark Tale and Shyamalan's still signing off on everything he does! This is not fair!" Cuba looked around, as if searching for someone to blame. "Where the heck is Bruckheimer or Bay? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A JOB AGAIN?!"
"Hahah!" Troy laughed irrelevantly, "That's right, Billy. As it turns out, the term "abuse" has never been more broad in the courtroom right now. And using this term and many others like it, a divorce attorney can help you craft a story that makes you seem like the "victim."
"You know what? Screw this," Cuba said, throwing down the dinosaur head and walking offscreen. "I am going to find a director who's willing to work with me! They canNOT give every role to freaking Chris Hemsworth and Kevin Hart! I'm gonna FIND one of their roles!" The actor declared, his angry rant fading into the distance.
"I'm glad you asked that, Billy. And I was just about to tell our nice, new friends here how to start crafting their case so they can save even more money when consulting with the lawyers," Troy said. The camera zoomed in on the Simpsons character's face. "This and more information can be picked up in part-two of Dive into Divorce: How Splitting Up can be Splendiferous! We'll see you then, folks!"
~Fin~ A Time Turner Production
The film ended and the projector turned off. General Sharp Winter walked to the front of the room again, switched back on the lights and asked, "Are there any questions?" The sight of the mostly-empty room answered him.
About half the Enclave ponies had left before the film started and another quarter had left somewhere in the middle. By the time the film ended, only the ponies sitting in the front of the room were still there, including Springer.
Spinner, sitting cross-legs next to her wingpony, raised her hoof. "What the heck did that have to do with defending the base?"
It took Dan and company a day's drive at top speed and another day trekking through the jungle to reach Appleloosa. Rather than taking the main road, Dan drove through a tunnel that happened to go through part of the Everfree Forest that was leftover from when he tried to ambush Flim and Flam. The terrain was a bit difficult to navigate, especially in the chariot but doing so helped them avoid detection by the Enclave.
The Everfree Forest was massive and horseshoe-shaped that wrapped around the heart of Equestria. It was thickest to the south and formed a natural barrier between Ponyville and the Badlands that surrounded the kingdom. Appleloosa was far to the west, the train tracks and dirt roads traveling around the horseshoe bend and into the more rugged territory. Dan traveled through the western edge of the Everfree, concealing their movements from air patrols all the way to the desert facility known as Halberd Base.
The sun was just creeping across the sandy landscape as Dan and company reached the fringe of the jungle closest to the base. Dan sighted his target through a pair of binoculars.
"There it is- the Enclave's little clubhouse on our turf."
"Quite the formidable fortress," Phoenix remarked, looking through his own binoculars. "Looks like it was an old train station they repurposed. That must be why Vice took control of the railways."
"He converted every railroad in Equestria into some kind of goofy monorail," Dan said, eyeing the still-levitating tracks. The only rails that weren't still hovering off the ground were around Ponyville and Canterlot. "I bet somepony in there knows why."
"Getting in isn't going to be easy," Phoenix said. The base was a gigantic, cog-shaped structure surrounded by a fence. Beyond the fence, a wall separated the base from the outside and an energy shield rose up from that wall to form a dome. And all around the complex, on the ground, walls and on top of the base itself, turrets. "Fences, barricades, turrets and I'm willing to bet there's a minefield between us and even the outer perimeter. They've got that place armed to the teeth."
"That's not even the worst of it," Gust Grasp said, looking through a kaleidoscope. He put it down to observe the base in full, a grim look on his face. "The minefield and the walls we could take out easy, if we had the time. It's those air patrols that are the problem."
"Yeah," Phoenix agreed. "Like bees swarming around a hive."
Gust pointed above the base and drew his talon to the bottom. "See that? They're using the Cake Defense. That's bad for us."
Both Phoenix and Dan put down their binoculars and asked, "What's the Cake Defense?"
"It's a triple-layer top-to-bottom defense strategy, kind of like a cake. When I had my fleet, generally, we avoided bases or towns that were able to pull off this kind of defense. Fortunately, not many places did because it requires a lot of crew and a lot of tech," Gust explained. "You have the top layer, that's all those pegasi flying high above the cake in a circular pattern. Those pegasi up there keep an eye out for any long-range threats like missiles, fighters- preparation for your bomber, most likely. Anything that's coming high and fast, they'll be able to see coming and set up for interception."
Gust then pointed to the base itself. "Then, there's the second layer- those Enclavers circling the base but not going over it. See how they never go higher than the base itself?"
"Yeah."
"That's to monitor the other defenses while staying under radar range. If anything tries to attack the turrets on the walls or the roof, they'll be able to counter it. They also keep watch on the pegasi above the base in case we try to hit them with SAMs or something, anti-air."
Dan rubbed his chin. "So they have defenses FOR their defenses and THOSE defenses... are well-defended. Heh, that's something I'd do."
"And finally, surrounding the base are surface patrols. They keep an eye on the middle guys and surveillance keeps an eye on them. They're the weakest gap on the ground but also the hardest to get to. The only thing they tell us is where we can step because they obviously won't walk into the minefield," Gust chuckled. "Not even the Enclave is that stupid."
"It's still all vulnerable to a diversion. All we need is the right one," Dan remarked, grinning at the base. "And I think I have just the trick."
"Oh yeah?" Gust asked. "What's that?"
"Okay," Dan turned around and huddled with them. "First, I want you and the Blasties to set up some of those road flares from the trailer like fireworks. Then, get the power winch and lay it in a circle around the trailer, big enough for a few of those ground patrols."
Blast Fuse nodded. "Ahh... I see where you're going with this."
"Then, once they're out of the way, fly the sisters over the fence to the back of the base and bust a hole in the wall. After that, be ready for us," Dan said, determination in his voice.
"What about the turrets and the cameras?" Blast Powder asked.
Dan grinned. "Don't you worry about those. I'm willing to bet the surveillance here is all tied into the same hub along with the turrets so... I have a way to take those out. Nicky, you'll be coming with me in the chariot for that. And you'll be driving."
"No problem. It looks like Daring's tracks are still fresh, so I should be able to follow those with the chariot and avoid the mines," Phoenix said.
About two hours later, the base's patrol patterns had not changed. Lieutenant Hex Ray, known for her keen eyes, was finishing up her patrol when she noticed a bright flash of light to the east. Just outside the base's perimeter, somewhere in the forest, somepony was shooting off fireworks.
"Command, this is Cobra-one. I'm seeing some sort of disturbance outside the base."
"Copy, Cee-one, our scanners have nothing."
She magnified the edge of the forest in her visor, her HUD and OATES targeting system revealed no information but displayed the bright lights blooming and whirling just above the tree line. "I don't know what to tell ya, command; I'm looking right at some kind of disturbance." Other ponies in her patrol, as well as other patrols stopped and trotted up to the edge of the fence to see.
"Viper-four, here. Command, I confirm what Cobra-one is seeing. Looks like fireworks or something coming from the Everfree."
"Rodger that. Will report back," Hex said, glaring at the fireworks. She and most of the other ground patrol units took off, engaging their power armor's thrusters to carry them above the fence. They flew over the minefield and landed just in front of the trees at the edge of the forest.
The fireworks continued as the Enclave ponies approached. Hex Ray in the lead, she and several of her comrades cycled through filters on their visor but the bright flashes caused such a glare, it distorted their optical sensors. They pushed into the underbrush, searching for the source of the disturbance, when they heard a familiar voice.
"Come one! Come all! You won't be disappointed by the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie's incredible magic show!" Trixie's voice announced.
"Anypony else hearing that?" Hex asked.
"I do but I've got nothing on visual. This has to be some kind of a joke."
"Or maybe it's REAL magic, heheh."
"Cut the chatter," Hex barked. "Weapons ready." She swept around with the barrels of her saddle caster, the pronged barrels pointing directly ahead of her. The trees continued to get thicker as they approached the spot where the fireworks and the voice were coming from.
"Don't be shy, Ponyvillians! The astounding powers of Trixie are guaranteed to amaze and bedazzle! This is one show you won't want to miss!"
Finally, they crept into a small cleared area where the canopy was open to the sky. A trailer sat in the middle of it with a pair of road flares and some roman candles stuck into the ground at either side of it. There was no sign of anypony.
Hex Ray lowered her weapons, looking around. "Base, this is patrol. Have located source of the disturbance but not-" a light caught her eye inside the trailer. "Hold on."
She walked inside the trailer. On the floor, she noticed a cell phone lying face up, the display lit. She picked it up.
"This video is for educational purposes only," the Trixie in the playing Youtube video said. "For more lessons on performance magic, visit Trixie's website at The-Great-And-Powerful-Trixie-dot-"
*BRRRRREEEEEEEEESHHHHHH!*
"The heck is that?!"
"Cobra Squad! Fallback, it's a-"
The tow cable that had surrounded the trailer whipped backwards. It caught the ponies that had surrounded the trailer, pulling them all towards the doors. Before they could run or fly, they were caught as it rubber-banded back towards the doors, catching the over two-dozen power armored ponies and yanking them off their hooves. Hex Ray had time to key her comms one last time before the entire patrol group slammed into her and the doors slammed shut behind them, locking them all in the trailer.
As soon as it closed and locked, Gust and Blast Fuse zoomed out from behind the trailer, carrying Blast Powder while she carried a bomb. "We're clear, Dan!" BP announced. "On our way to the base's south side, meet you there!"
"We'll be there soon!" Dan said into his earpiece. He and Phoenix were already speeding towards the base from the edge of the tree line in the chariot. The six wheels transitioned from the rugged jungle terrain to the soft sand seamlessly as Phoenix shifted gears. He began turning in a wide arc towards the north side of the base to avoid the minefield.
"We're almost in range of those turrets!" Phoenix yelled.
"I know," Dan said, a determined grin on his face. He watched as the barrels of the gun turrets tracked them. "We got 'em right where we want 'em."
Phoenix pulled the chariot's controls, turning sharper as they approached the entrance. The tire tracks from the DeLorean lead right through the base's front gate. "You still haven't told me what you're going to do to distract the guns!"
Dan put his hand on the lawyer's shoulder. "Nicky, you know what my motto is when someone's watching you?"
"No?"
Dan smiled. "Give 'em something to see. Stop here!" The chariot grinder to a halt, sliding across the sand until it stopped right in front of the base. Dan hopped out the back.
"Wh-what exactly are you going to show them?" Phoenix asked, concern in his voice.
Dan grinned back at him almost maniacally. "Something they'll never forget." He turned his back to the base and unbuckled his pants.
Every single turret and surveillance camera was trained on Dan as he deployed his "diversion." In the control tower of the base, multiple feeds of Dan and the chariot were broadcast to monitoring terminals.
"General!" one of the technicians called, "Observing some kind of new tactics by the enemy!"
"What is it?" Sharp Winter asked, moving over to him.
"I can't tell, sir."
"Put it on the main screen," the general ordered.
The massive screen at the front of the control center shifted to a single image, an image the Enclave would never forget. Every pony in the room stared in abject horror at that sight that was Dan's pale ass as the human bent over and mooned them right in front of their base.
"HahaHA!!" Dan laughed and taunted them. "GET AN EYE-FULL, LOSERS! Make a line, you toolbags so you can all get a chance to kiss it!"
The ops center was thrown into a panic. "OH MAI GAWD!!"
"MY EYES!! MY EYESSSSSSS!!!"
"PRESSED HAM WITHOUT THE GLASS!!"
"AAAAAHHHH, IT BURNS!!!"
"GET THE BLEACH! GET THE BLEACH!" The general screamed. He and the technician ran over to an emergency kit on the wall. It read: Emergency Eye Bleach- Not for use on clothes. The techie ripped open the kit and grabbed the container. He shook it in his hoof. "It's empty!"
"Quick! The backup bleach!!"
The tech dashed over to the emergency kit right next to it. The label on it read: Emergency Brain Bleach- Not for use on eyes or clothes. He opened it quickly to find the container was also empty. "WE'RE OUTTA BLEEEEEEEEEACH!!!!!!"
"OH MAI GAAWWWWWWWDDDDDDD!!!!"
The turrets on the base began to fire at random, blasting into the dirt and sky non-stop. The Enclave ponies guarding the turrets had to dodge and flee for cover as the guns spun and spat fire in all directions.
"Hahahaha!" Dan laughed. "Now that's a diversion tactic!" he declared. He keyed his earpiece again. "Derpy! We're ready for you and the Rogue crew. Clear the skies for the bomber; we're heading inside!"
"Gotcha, Dan! We're on our way!"
"Nicky!" Dan bellowed, still mooning the base, "Get down here and show 'em your tail feathers!"
"Yeah, I'll pass on that," Phoenix said, his eyes firmly forward.
"Come on!" Dan yelled back. "We've double the coverage, they'll be-" *BABOOMM!!* A turret blast exploded precariously close to the cart.
"Dan! They're firing at US now, get in!" Phoenix yelled, starting the chariot again.
"GAH!" Dan dove into the back of the chariot, pants down around his ankles.
"AAHH! What are you-"
"Whoops," Dan said. Landing on his belly in the bed of the chariot, Dan had grabbed the only thing he could reach to secure himself as he fell: Phoenix's pants. He looked up. "Eh, sorry Nicky."
Phoenix turned around, the chariot speeding off towards the base. "Did you just pants me?!"
Dan had a puzzled look on his face. "Who's the Steel Samurai?"
"AAAAHHHHH!!!"
"AAAAAAAHH!!!!"
Both men screamed, pants down around their ankles as the chariot raced towards the front gate, turret blasts exploding all around them.
High above the base, the Enclave high-altitude patrols were too preoccupied with the panic on the ground to notice the blips on the radar coming towards them. By the time they saw them, they had no choice but to engage them head-on.
"Hydra-Leader! Incoming contacts, fast and high!"
"What?!" Springer yelped, looking up.
"It's them- it's Rogue Squadron!"
"Engage! Engage!"
Flying straight towards the in-excess of three-hundred power armored ponies were the twelve pegasi of Rogue Squadron. They flew in four delta-formations, triangles of three ponies each about to spear the cloud of Enclave ponies.
"I'll take lead, the rest of you break by formations and keep it close," Edge ordered.
"Almost feel bad for 'em," West commented.
"Eh," Edge shrugged, pushing forward. "Almost."
Edge Antares flew into the formation of Enclave ponies, barreling just under the first squadron that came at him at the last second. He then engaged all four of his side-mounted laser cannons and blasted the squadron that had been behind them, ripping three vanguard Enclave ponies to shreds in an instant. He then spun around, banked into the remains of the second squadron and blasted the rest of them apart. The Enclavers in their destroyed power armor, exploded and spiraled towards the ground, burning and smoldering.
The first Enclave squadron immediately reversed to try to back up their own backup, which had been destroyed before their very eyes. They tried to give chase to Edge but the commander was already coming at them from their other side. He spun around them in a wide arc, blasting into their formation with his lasers. He hit them in their sides and back, causing their jetpacks to explode before they even realized his tactic. Blasted to pieces, they spun out of control back to the surface, smoke trails following them all the way. In a matter of seconds, Edge Antares had taken down twenty-seven Enclave pegasi.
"Going a bit easy on them, aren't you, Edge?" West asked.
"Kinda wanted to spare them the trouble," Edge replied.
"Heh, good point."
By "trouble", Edge had been referring to Derpy Hooves. While the rest of Rogue Squadron engaged the remaining Enclave high-altitude forces, Derpy came in low and went for the remaining mid-level patrol ponies. She was a bit slower than the rest of the squadron though, because of what she was carrying.
She brushed her hoof along the edge of her mailbox, the only thing she had left after her home was destroyed. Her name on the side shined in the morning sun. She flipped the flag on it up. "You will see more mail one day, my friend. For now, we make a special delivery."
The turrets still firing, the Enclave wall defenders were trying to get them under control. Distracted by trying to reposition the guns manually, they only saw Derpy when it was already too late.
"Captain!" one pointed.
"What the fu-"
"Incoming mail!!!" Derpy yelled. Using her mailbox and the post it had originally been attached to as a battle hammer, she smashed the turret to pieces. Before the Enclave ponies could react, she swung the hammer around into each of them. "You don't mess with the postal service!!"
"RUN!! RUN!!!"
"RAARRHH!!!" Derpy did not have her own laser strike wings like Rogue Squadron; she didn't need them. She tore apart the Enclave ponies on the ground and in midair over the base with her mailbox, the pole it was attached to and her bare hooves. She swung the mail-mallet with amazing precision, smacking ponies into the walls and into the ground. The turrets were reduced to smoldering shrapnel as she brought down the mailbox on top of them. Opening the front hatch, she even caught a pony or two who had attempted to strike back at her and sent them flying in the opposite direction. Soon, they all began to run from her, flying in terror as the gray mare bashed each and every one of them.
Springer, Spinner and Hydra Squadron quickly retreated, realizing they were outmatched. They flew back down to the base, hoping to use the base's armored Flutterbirds to throw off Rogue Squadron and repel the attack. That was when they saw Derpy.
"What the heck is that?"
"I think... that's the mailmare," Spinner remarked.
As if on cue, Derpy looked up at the two of them coming towards her. She roared. "DERPY SMASH!!"
Springer had time to gasp as the mare leapt up at her with the maillet. The mailbox-head of the hammer smashed into Springer's face with the force of Thor and Mjolnir combined with the Hulk. Her power armored exploded into pieces, her helmet shattered into even smaller pieces and Springer flew somewhere into the distance, spinning all the way.
Witnessing this, Spinner raised up her hooves. "WAIT!"
Derpy stopped, hammer raised.
"Let me just save you the trouble," the green mare said bashfully. She hit a button on her armor and it exploded off of her on its own. She then smiled innocently, already smoldering, and let gravity take her back to the ground.
Back on the surface, Dan and Phoenix continued racing towards the base's front entrance, still dodging. But, instead of dodging turret blasts, they began dodging falling Enclave ponies as the defending forces were blasted to bits above them.
"Ha!" Dan laughed, finally standing and buckling his pants. He took over driving so Phoenix could fix his own trousers. "Look, Nicky! It's raining assholes I don't like!" The destruction did not end for the Enclave on the ground, however; many of them landed on mines, blowing them up again. Shards of armor and burnt pegasus feathers began to fill the sky.
"Yeah, I noticed," Phoenix said. Captain Springer hit the windshield in a smoldering heap. Dan engaged the wipers to brush her off. "Tell Derpy we need the entrance opened."
"Got it. Hey, Derpy!!"
"GRRRAAAAARRRGGHH!!" Derpy yelled back from overhead, still in Hulk-mode.
"Can you get the door for us?" Dan asked.
"KAY." The mailmare flew down and tore apart the gate, ripping it off its hinges. Dan and Phoenix drove right in.
"Alright, Twilight?" Dan said into his earpiece.
"Ready, Dan!" Twilight said, broadcasting from the command center in the Golden Oakes along with Chrys and the others.
"We're ready for the MY-Wing now, send her in!"
"Got it, Dan! It's on its way!"
"Now, for the finisher," Dan said, grinning again. Driving around to the base's south side, the chariot came to a stop in front of Gust and the Blasties.
"We ready to go, guys?" Phoenix asked, hopping off the chariot with Dan.
"Just... about... there!" Blast Fuse said. "One perimeter breacher, ready to go!" She and her sister announced, holding up a bomb made from several of the Flutterbirds' missiles.
Dan smiled. "I love the way you work. Let's get in there and turn this into a real blowout."
"Right!" the two said.
They hid behind the chariot and set off the bomb, blasting a hole and in fact, knocking down part of the base's outer wall. Beyond it lay the base itself, the energy shield over it dissipating. Just as the group stepped inside, the MY-Wing flew over the head and prepared to drop its payload.
"Keep her steady, Reginald!" Tuxley called in the gunner's seat of the star craft.
"Absolutely, sir."
The t-rex gripped the controls tightly and narrowed his eyes. "Just like my our old Lancaster, isn't it?"
"Indubitably, sir, I noticed the similarity."
"And I believe, so shall they," Tuxley said, grinning. He peered into the bomb sight. "Here's one for them to savor."
A proton bomb released from the MY-Wing's bay. General Sharp Winter and the ponies in the control tower, were just now opening their eyes. They had enough time to look up and see the bomb heading for them before it landed on the side of the tower and exploded.
*BOOOM!* BOOOOOOMMMM!!** The bomb exploded twice- once as the main warhead hit and then another time as a dozen smaller bomblets were released and exploded all over the base's outer armor. The control tower, rising up out of the center of the base, was struck by the warhead directly and blasted off at the base. It fell over and collapsed into the base itself, penetrating the walls and ceiling. Smoke and fire rose up from Halberd Base as Derpy, Rogue Squadron and the MY-Wing circled overhead.
"I love it when a plan comes together," Dan said, hands on his hips.
"Gonna kinda be hard to use the base for ourselves now," Phoenix said, looking at all the destruction.
"Ehh. It'll buff out," Dan remarked. Another part of the base exploded at the end of that sentence. "Okay, maybe this time it won't exactly buff out."
"What happens now?" Blast Fuse asked.
Dan brushed both of his hands off. "Now, I'm going to go do a little meet-and-beat. You guys can take care of things out here," he said, walking towards the ruins of the base.
"Why do I get the feeling it's not over?" Blast Powder asked.
"Because we still haven't found Daring," Phoenix replied.
"Ah." Beneath them, the ground began to shake.
This entire chapter just has Dan beating the crap out of the Enclave
Dan dropped down into one of Halberd Base's random, narrow corridors. Smoke rose up and quickly escaped through the hole Dan had used to enter but the hallway's design and high ceiling filtered it away from him. Alarm lights swirled, advertising a state of emergency that was already evident. The MY-Wing's bombing run, combined with the control tower collapsing into the structure itself, had severely damaged all of Halberd Base's subsystems. Power fluctuated erratically and the lights flickered in some places.
Most of the Enclave's active units had either been dealt with by Derpy and the Rogues or had retreated into the base. Which was exactly where Dan wanted them. He began walking through the hallways slowly, searching for the nearest willing victim for him to teach many undo lessons to.
Oddly enough though, among the base's systems that were still functional, the intercom system was still operational despite the fact that none of the Enclave technicians were in a state to use it. In the absence of a proper controller, the comms picked up and began broadcasting a signal from a radio station in Appleloosa. Dan came upon a trio of Enclave reinforcement pegasi just as the music started.
"Hey! It's him!"
"Get him! Open fire!!"
Darling, we're just so good together~
As green plasma bolts arced towards him, Dan jumped up on one of the railings at the side of the corridor. He sprinted back and fourth between it and the railing on the other side, expertly going back and fourth between the two as he closed the gap on his attackers. Dan dodged every bolt until he jumped on the first one.
Done so many things together~
"AAAHH! AAAHHH! AAAAAAHHHH!!!"
There's no one else I even want around~
"Oh mai gawd...!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHH- UAAGH!"
Grabbing the neck of the first 'claver, Dan pressed her down in her power armor and smashed his fist into her helmet, making it rebound against the floor. He bashed the helmet until it cracked and her visor shattered, revealing the struggling merc underneath. Another smack to the face laid her out.
So, tonight, baby, let's take the whole place down~
The others hadn't been able to fire with their comrade's now k.o.'d body in the way but they soon opened up. Dan dove at the next one, grabbed her up by her legs and brought her down into her friend.
So tonight, baby, let's take this whole place down!
"Attention all units, primary target has been sighted at Sublevel-Two in the south quadrant. All tactical reserve units, converge at Sublevel-Two and neutralize target."
"GO GO GO!! Ready all weapons, set to maximum firepower!"
Darling, we've seen the way they look~
"Security Teams Apex and Pinnacle in position. Tempest Squadron in position, Group Eighteen arriving with heavy ordinance!"
*CLANG!*
"All squads in position and ready to engage!"
In every sight and glance they took,
"He's breaking through the door!"
*CLANG!*
It seemed like they were lookin' down~
*CLANG!* *BAVOOOSH!*
"Fire! Fire! Fire!"
"Give it everything! Don't stop!!"
But now it's clear to see
"Keep firing!"
"Oh sweet Luna... he's using the door as a shield!!"
There's no better place to be~
"Get down! Get down!!"
"AAAAHHH!!!!"
*BWAM!*
Baby, they can turn their heads and frown~
Cuz' tonight, baby, we're taking the whole place down!
"FIRE!! FIRE!!!"
"Apex Team is down! Pinnacle Squad is- AAAAAHHH!!"
*BWAM!* *BAAM!*
We'll turn the whole world upside down!
"All squads retreat! All squads retrea-" *BAM!*
"Fall back! Fall ba- AAGUHFFF!"
We'll show 'em every sight and sound!
"All reserve squads, retreat to fall back positions! All reserve squads- oh crap... he's in the communications room."
Baby, you and me are gonna paint the town~
"Uhh... this concludes our broadcast for today. And now, we'd like to-"*BAM!*
Because tonight, darling we're gonna take the whole place down!
"Oh, Skybright, it's so good to hear from you, sweetie. How are you doing?"
"Well, uh, I'm not really that great mom-"
"Oh, I was just talking to your sister the other day."
"Yeah, that's-"
"You know, she's almost finished with her second master's in Baltimare. She'll be able to practice all kinds of law now."
"Yeah, that's great, ma. Listen, I was wanting to talk to you-"
"I'm worried about those ponies you're with, Sky."
"I-I know, ma, that's actually what I was calling-"
"They're not very nice. And I heard they did something very awful to Cloudsdale. You weren't involved with any of that, were you?"
"Well, kinda... but mom, I'm calling because I don't think I'm gonna make it back today from this one."
"Oh no, why's that?"
"Well, they're doing a real-time action montage sequence and they're playing that weird lounge singer music over it and... I'm kind of calling you during the interlude right now. I don't think it's gonna work out well for us."
"..."
"Mom? Hello? Oh gawd..."
"This wouldn't have happened to your sister."
"OH GAWD! NO! PLEASE, PLEASE NO-"
"Your sister went to college."
"NOOOO!! NOOOOOOO!!!"
"Hi, excuse me, but she's gonna have to call you back. From the infirmary."
"Oh, it's quite all right. Have a nice day!"
"You too!"
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!"
So tonight, baby let's show 'em how!!
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"
Let's really get it started now!!
"All forces, retreat! All forces- AAAAHH!!!" *BAM! BAM! BAM!*
You and me, we're going out to paint the town!!
"Critical systems failure. Evacuate immediately."
Darling, let's take the whole place dooowwwwnnn!!!~
*BAM!*
Dan's mayhem continued long after the intercom system finally shut off. The cameras that were still operational showed him dragging a screaming Enclave pegasus down a corridor by the back of her head, randomly smashing her into walls as he did. She had tried to ambush him and it clearly had not worked out for her. When he finally tired of her screaming, or ran out of walls, he dropped her and let her curl into a ball, eager to find more victims.
And there was no shortage of them. Not all of them tried to fight him, however; more than a few begged.
"Please... Cloudsdale, that was just my first mission. I-I-I, I wasn't even part of the raids afterwards! They haven't even given me my power amor yet!!"
Dan shrugged. "Well, you know what? Too."
"Two?" the pegasus shook nervously, Dan towering over her. "T-two what?"
"Too squeeing bad."
"AAAH!!!!" *CRSSSH!*
He grabbed the small, unarmored mare and threw her through a glass window into an adjacent room. Finally, as his destruction continued to reduce the base's staff, he finally ran out of ponies to beat the crap out of. He began searching for the next objective: things to steal and/or break.
Dan's battle through the Enclave fortress had further damaged the base itself, mostly because of the missiles, rockets, mines, flamethrowers, heavy incinerators and even this one pegasus who tried to blow him up with a time bomb made from a potato clock. The Enclave ponies had fallen in droves to Dan's unorthodox tactics and maneuvers and now the human strode through the corridors, stepping over the bodies of those who had tried to stand in his way. Eventually, he realized he could do no further damage on this floor and decided to use the elevator. Quickly, though, he found the elevator was inoperable so he had to use the stairs.
One level down, the corridors were actually a little wider. Instead of looking like an underground base from Fallout 3 or New Vegas, it began to look more... practical. Instead of a giant tube, it was more like a regular building but with steel walls. The doors even became square and were spaced further apart instead of right in front of each other. The intersection became further apart, too, indicating that each room must be a bit bigger. After looking around a bit, he went through the first available door that looked interesting, the one marked Cafeteria A.
What he didn't realize was that underneath it, printed smaller were the words: Boss Room.
When Dan stepped into the cafeteria, he was surprised, the first time he'd been since he'd stepped in the base. Rather than some sort of pseudo-military concession or depository, there were banners and decorations. The room still had the drab gun-metal gray appearance of the rest of the base with absurdly high ceiling lights but it was well-illuminated and looked like it had been prepared for a party. A massive banner that read "Congratulations All! Aegis Semper Caellum!" was strung from wall-to-wall towards the back.
"Huh... those bastards," Dan thought aloud. "Planning to celebrate a little early, eh? And I wasn't even invited. Tsk, tsk, tsk." His voice echoed just a bit off the walls but otherwise, the room was silent.
In the center of the room was huge display case that looked like it contained a piñata. As he got close to it, Dan saw that it was actually a suit of power armor made to look like a piñata. At the base of the case read the display label: Enclave Fiesta Supremo de las Campana Fuego Armor Prototype. The armor was mostly orange and yellow, like an advertisement for tacos but with black spaces where the pieces connected and pink lightning strikes on each piece. For some reason, it reminded him of something Lightning Claw would create. And then, Dan saw Lightning Claw's name printed underneath the display label identifying him as the chief designer.
"Huh. Figures."
Finally, the armor looked for the most part, bulkier and sturdier than what the ponies he'd just smashed to pieces had been wearing. The helmet had a giant sombrero built into it with the same pattern as the armor only more vibrant. But unlike the other armor suits the Enclave wore, this one didn't have a jetpack attached. Or any weapons at all from the looks of it- just a big sombrero and extra armor. He walked past it and towards the serving area of the cafeteria.
Hot food, ready to be served was all arrayed buffet-style at the serving area. There were no less than three make-your-own taco, burrito and even an omelette station and four nacho fountains. They were all switched off but still warm, a clear indication that somepony had been here not long ago. The smell of monterey jack, pepperjack, cheddarjack, colby jack, blackjack, whitejack and Jack Black's Crackerjack Lip-smacking, hunger-attacking nacho cheese still hung in the air. Dan could not help himself but to try at least one chip.
"Hmm... wow," he said to no one in particular. He keyed his earpiece, "Hey, Twilight? Tell Spike the nazis actually might give his nacho recipe a run for his crystals."
Static answered him. He keyed his hooves-free device again. "Hello? Hello? Anybody? Anypony reading me?"
"*krrrzshhhht... krzzzssssshhhttt.*"
He checked the device. "Figures," he remarked again. "Evil fortress of assholes doesn't get good reception. Should've been expecting this."
*KRRSSH!!*
The sound of glass breaking caused him to spin around. In the center of the room, the display case shattered, pieces of it falling to the floor.
"This was meant to be our victory," a blue pegasus with steel-colored mane and beard said as Dan came close. "Our victory against your kind."
Dan smiled. "I was wondering when I'd finally meet the big cheese. Figures I'd find a big rat right next to it."
"The only rat here is you," Sharp Winter said, glaring back at the human. He showed no fear in his voice, in his expression, in anything as he landed next to the suit of armor. "Because you're the one that's caught in this trap."
Former Cloudsdale Logistics General Manager General Sharp Winter Leader of the Enclave
"Haha, oh, do tell," the human scoffed. "I've only kicked every ass in this entire base, tell me how this was all part of your plan to trap me."
The general snarled at him and turned to the power armor. Piece by piece, he removed it from its stand and put it on. Underneath was actually one of Rarity's mannequins from her Carousel Boutique. It seemed to have held up the weight of the armor just as easily as any other garment, something Dan noticed.
"You don't understand," Sharp said, venom in his voice. "You landed in this world, you GOT everything you wanted practically hoof-delivered to you. Me and my girls had to build EVERYTHING. We worked for this, for ALL of this and some surface-dwelling biped isn't going to take it away from us."
"My ass," Dan retorted. "You didn't build Cloudsdale yourselves but you and your little sneak attack blew it up. You massacred your own kind so I'm just here returning the favor on their behalf. And mine. I liked Cloudsdale."
"Pffft," the general scoffed. "One city. When we were an army, we had the whole SKY under our command. Commander Hurricane led the Grand Pegasus Army to every corner of the world and not a single thing dared fly against us. Then, that garbage "peace treaty" she was forced to sign disbanded our forces. That's why she made the Enclave- because one day, she knew the skies would be ours again. Now, that day has finally arrived."
"Where?!" Dan asked, looking around sarcastically. "Where has it arrived?! You all are a bunch of deluded fangirls with your heads up your asses! I BEAT your entire army with my bare hands! All your soldiers, all your weapons, all your base are belong to me now, bluebells! Your victory day just got canceled."
"I think not," Sharp grinned. "You don't have any idea what it's like to work as a pegasus. To have to maintain the entire horizon and get only a third of the credit. The Enclave was tired of it- working crappy jobs around the clock while fliers like the Wonderbolts or Rainbow Dash or Daring Do got credit. When Vice gave us the opportunity to get something better, we took it." Finally, he put on the last piece of armor. The sombrero locked into place on top of the helmet and he turned around, standing on his hindlegs, he looked like a power armored taco bandito.
"You got lucky, Dan... you fell into this world, a world where you felt you belong. Where you felt at home. For us, we have to work every day to make the Enclave a reality, to make it something more than just a fandom! But because it was a fandom first, we're united by a cause, a cause that you can't stand up against!!" he spun around to face Dan, fully armored. "...the hell are you doing?"
"I'm eating a taco," Dan answered, sitting at a cafeteria table. "They were getting cold."
"You put that taco down!"
"No. *Nom*"
"RRRAAARRRGH!" Sharp Winter raged. The sombrero on his helmeted ignited in flames. Fire ran from the he head all the way down the limbs of the armor and down to his tail, creating a fiery whip. "You're in my base! You killed my doodz, now ur eatin' mah foodz!"
"This is actually really good."
"ENOUGH!" Flames shot up from his hooves and the sombrero's pointed top. "I am General Sharp Winter of the Grand Pegasus Enclave! Commander Hurricane gave us our past... now the Enclave will seize the future!! AEGIS SEMPER CAELLUM!!" The fire ignited the banner at the back of the room and caused it to cascade down in flames. Dan had to dodge as part of it landed on his table. The final battle for Halberd base had begun.
Vice Grip watched the display, furious. "Those idiots... why haven't they launched it?!"
The Director leaned forward, a smile visible on his/her muzzle. "Looks like they're having a little trouble... or are they waiting for the right moment?" the creature asked, giggling lightly.
The scientist's metal gauntlets closed into balled fists. He slammed them on the holographic table transmitting the image of Halberd Base, causing it to flicker. "Why are you just sitting here doing nothing?! Do you know how much I invested, WE invested in Cogsdale?!! I can't get the blasted sea ponies to make more of them if I don't prove it at least works!!"
"Shhh," the Director shushed him. "I'm trying to watch. Do we have a feed of the inside of the base?"
Lightning Claw shook his head. "Negative. Damage has caused interference to Halberd Base's surveillance systems. Current hostility is to blame." The stallion was more machine than pony, at least for the moment, so his input tended to be brief and mechanical.
"Pity. We'll have to correct that with the future bases," the Director mused.
Vice pinched his forehead, fighting the urge to just haul off and smack the Director. But, knowing the creature's true identity, he knew how useful that would be. No, he needed to convince her that intervening would be to both their benefits. "Well, that's too bad... but hey, if you really wanted to see up close..."
The hooded pony turned to him, a look of curiosity on her muzzle. Vice continued to be nonchalant and clasped his hands behind his back innocently. "You could just go there. See things for yourself."
"I can't face them," the Director responded, actually considering his proposition. "I cannot lie to them. If they questioned me, I would have to tell them the truth... about everything. And if they asked me about her..."
Vice held his hands up. "But they don't- that's the idea. You could just watch. Think of it as... playing with them," he said, putting an arm around her hooded body. What was underneath the cloak felt... wrong. Beyond deformity, something warped and distorted and... wrong. It was like wrapping his foreleg around a shadow that crept out of a void... and to have the shadow hug him back.
"Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm..." the Director giggled. "I like that idea. I think I will go have fun with them." She turned abruptly, like smoke flowing around his arm and continued on. Her hoof steps against the tile sounded like talons clicking, the hungry treading of a predator.
Vice did his best to keep his smile up. "Yes, you go do that. I'll be watching once they engage the Cogsdale," he said, turning back around. The creature departed and he was alone with Lightning again. The biomechanical enforcer watched him sternly. "What?"
"Nothing," he replied.
"Of course," Vice said, rolling his eyes. Little tiny bits of Lightning Claw's personality emerged when and where they could. Even erasing his total personality, memories and identity hadn't been complete. He kept finding small ways to exert his freewill- the smallest muscle twitches, eye movements, speech patterns. Even though his mind had been erased, Lightning didn't seem to care. He continued to wait just behind the surface, watching, somewhere between the Director and Vice Grip himself.
Halberd Base
High above the fortress, the once-crowded skies were rapidly becoming clearer. More and more Enclave pegasi went down in flames, many of which were either smacked like baseballs by Derpy or unfortunate enough to land on the landmines they had planted to protect their base. Their radio signals captured most of the carnage:
"My wings are clipped! My wings are clipped-I-I'm going down!"
"Vandal-One is down, Harpy-One is down, we just lost another three, they're coming down over the base now!"
"We just lost Glint's whole squadron."
"Roger, tracking them now... yeah, they're headed right for the mines. Poor sods."
"He's on me- I can't shake this guy!"
"Brake right! Hard-brake right so I can-"
"I CAN'T HOLD IT! I CA-" *Krssssssshhhhhtt*
Captain Springer lifted her head up out of the sand. The sounds of the battle, of her comrades being slaughtered filled her right ear but not her left. "This is Hydra-One... regroup at grid..." she looked at the bottom-left corner of her HUD to get her exact location, only to find her HUD was gone. In fact, her entire helmet was gone, blasted off, save for a portion of the right side where her ear was. She removed what was left of her headgear; without the built-in mic or the HUD, it was useless.
She looked up. The last of her friends in the Enclave were being shot down by Rogue Squadron. The smoking trails of their armor drew black streaks across the sky, like angry marks on the blue canvas overhead. She was on the ground, one of many now. Hopefully, they wouldn't regard her as a threat.
What little there was of her training kicked in and told her to take stock of things. She slowly stood, felt most of the pain in her back. None of her legs felt broken, a good sign, but she couldn't feel her wings. Her heart gripped hard as she realized the possible reason why. Swallowing, she looked back over her shoulder. The jetpack that had been attached to her armor was gone, her back visible underneath it. Her wings, which had been fitted inside the wings of the jetpack, were now almost entirely black and featherless. She flexed them carefully, feeling the immense, aching pain and then clasped them at her sides. The feathers themselves may have been burned but the roots were still there. She couldn't fly any time soon but her wings would likely recover.
Springer looked around. She was near the front entrance of the base on the northern side. Behind her, the monorail led to most of their other bases but she had no way of accessing it. While Dan and the others didn't know, Vice had converted the Equestrian rail system into a monorail in order to more speedily move supplies and resources back to Prosperity Base. But she had no way to call it, so she had to scrap that option.
Her only hope was to somehow sneak back into the base, steal a Flutterbird and hightail it out without being seen. All that would be a lot easier if she could just find her-
"Waaaaahhh!!"
She squinted her eyes at something in front of the base. "Spinner?"
"It's not fair! It's not fairrrrrrrr!" Spinner cried, head thrown back, tears streaming down her face. She was sitting on a crate in front of the base's destroyed front gates, a large, blackened crater beside her. Her armor had been blasted in half but she looked no worse for ware, despite her sobbing.
"Spinner, keep it down!" Springer said sharply, sprinting towards her friend.
Her wingpony wiped her eyes on her foreleg. She clutched a power armor helmet close to her. "It's just not fair!!" she cried again.
"What's not fair?" Springer asked. "Look, if it's about Dan and those losers, we'll-"
"No!" Spinner shook her head. "Not them! This!" She held up the helmet.
Springer looked at it. The neck around it was charred and the display was blown out. The helmet could be repaired but probably would've been easier to replace. "Your armor? Yeah, mine's busted up, too. But we can get it replaced back at-"
"It's NOT MY ARMOR, YOU DOLT!!" she shook the helmet at her. "This was Steel-One's helmet."
"Steel-One?" Springer asked, remembering. "That's Gauntlet's callsign, isn't it? Wasn't he with Dread Wing?"
Spinner nodded. "He was... until Rogue Squadron blew him up!!" She started crying again. "Waaaahhh!! I finally got the courage to ask him out!!"
"Ohh," Springer realized.
"He even said yes! We were gonna decide what to do after the battle and he gave me his number... a number I'll never use now!" she yelled in despair. "WAAAAAHHH! MY BOYFRIEND EXPLODED!!"
Springer shook her head. "But... you just said you finally asked him out!"
Her friend's gaze suddenly turned furious. "What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Well, I'm just saying, it's uh, really early to call him your SSP if you just asked him out," Springer said, shrugging.
"Oh..." Spinner said, sniffling a little. "Yeah, good point."
"Also, he's probably around here somewhere," Springer said, looking around.
"In how many pieces?!?!" Spinner asked her friend and the heavens above, chucking the helmet as far as she could into the sands. An explosion soon followed as the object found a live mine.
"Spin, I know you're kinda having a moment here but we gotta go."
"Where?"
"Anywhere but here," Springer replied, cautiously looking over her shoulders, keeping an eye on the sky. Not that it would do much good; she knew they were both probably screwed. But she preferred not to think about what Dan and the others would probably do to her if and when they caught her, and instead searched for a way out.
She raised her head up at last. "And how're we gonna get outta here? Even if we both could fly, we can't outrun the Rogues."
"We have to at least try!" Springer raised her voice. "I figure if we get one of the Flutterbirds from the hangar, we can at least-"
"So, you're saying we have to get to da choppa," Spinner cut her off, unamused expression her face. "And I thought I was supposed to be the comic relief. You do realize that thing'll make us an even bigger target, right?"
"Well, what other options do we have?!"
Spinner stared blankly back at her. "Surrender. Duh."
Springer shook her head. "No, no, that's not an option."
"No, it's a great option," Spinner said, looking around. "I think it's the best option. Heck, it's the ONLY OPTION WE HAVE! Look around you! My boyfriend exploded-"
"He wasn't your boyfriend."
"The entire Enclave got shot down-"
"Most of it, anyway."
"The base is on fire-"
"We got others."
"And now a train is arriving!"
Springer nodded. "Yes, yes, I know, we're screwed right now bu-wait, what?" She turned around. A small, hanging cylinder zipped down the tracks and stopped across from the base's entrance. The cylinder was connected to the tracks by two spars on both of its ends. These two spars lowered the cylinder close to the ground and the side opened up, revealing darkness.
From inside stepped a hooded figure. Immediately, the surrounding temperature of the base felt about ten degrees colder, like a cold front had just abruptly hit. There was only one pony it could've been and Springer wasn't exactly happy to see them.
The Director stepped off the train, deceptively small in the distance. The wind died as Springer watched him approach, the hooded figure moving towards them. Whatever it was, it did not leave hoof prints in the sand, at least none that could be seen and the sand seemed to dry up and crack as the Director traveled on it. Springer and Spinner both saluted when it came close.
"Um, sir! I, uh-"
"At ease, captain," the Director waved down her salute with a pale-blue, long-fingered hand. "You and your friends have fought very well. It's been very fun to watch."
"Um... thank you?"
"Thanks," Spinner added, more skeptical than her partner.
"Hmm-hmm," it giggled. "You may take the tram back to Prosperity if you're done for today."
"Cool!" Spinner didn't need a second offer; she bolted straight for the cylinder-train car.
"Before you go," the Director stopped her, "where is Dan?"
"I, uh, think he's in the base."
The Director smiled, a jaw full of sharp teeth. "Thank you. You may go now."
"Thank you, sir," the mare said, and departed. She broke into a light canter, keeping her head low before going full-gallop towards the tram. Whatever happened, she would live to fight another day and that was enough.
Halberd Base- Sublevel 2, Cafeteria B
"I was eating!" Dan yelled, standing after dodging the falling banner.
General raised both armored forelegs right at him, his face imperceptible behind the armored helmet. "Don't worry; I've got plenty for you to eat right here."
Dan swallowed.
"TAKE THIS!" Twin jets of fire burst from the armor's hooves.
"Oh boy." Dan flipped the table and ducked. The flames collided with its flat surface just in time for Dan to get behind it. Fire splashed against it, washing the tables at the sides in flames. The smell of ozone and nacho cheese filled the air and the walls glowed orange from the flames.
Still hunkering down, Dan watched as the table glowed brighter under the heat from the assault. A sticky, oozing substance began trickling over the top. Melted cheese- the flamethrower apparently had a napalm residue of burning cheddar. He backed away from it and began to realize exactly how limited his options were.
The fiery onslaught stopped. The table, solid metal, was beginning to melt quickly as the cheesy after-effect clung to it. "Like our new toys?" Winter asked, tauntingly. He walked towards the scorched furniture, metal steps clanking on the floor. He stepped through the flames, protected by the armor's fireproof construction.
The Director seemed to walk across the sands around Halberd Base but the creature moved faster than if it was just putting one hoof in front of the other. It walked in a hunched-over, bipedal stance but left no footprints or hoof tracks in its wake. The only evidence of its passage was the land it touched getting colder and being drained of some of its magical essence. It was as if a dark and pervasive force of corruption followed wherever the Director went, warping everything around it.
The hooded creature walked around the base from the gate to the north to where Dan had made his entrance to the south. Dan's friends noticed him right away, not that he was avoiding them. Rogue Squadron was still over head, circling the fortress in pairs like vultures while Derpy was busy trying to reconstruct the turrets into mailboxes, thinking that that's what they were even though they had been trying to shoot her only minutes before. The Director was about to the hole Dan had made when they tried to stop her.
Or rather, they tried to help her.
"Hi!" Derpy said, flying down to ground level. "Can I help you today?" She stuck her mail-mallet right in the ground and partly lend against it.
"I believe you can," the Director said, face concealed by the hood. "I'm looking for Dan. Do you know where he is?"
Derpy nodded. "Yup. But he's a bit busy right now. Would you like to leave a message?"
A small smile appeared under the Director's hood. "I'm here to deliver a message, actually. And I expect you're here to do the same. I think it's better if I... give it to him in person."
"Oh. Um," Derpy looked over her shoulder. "Well, we're still cleaning up here. Unfortunately, this area's off-lemons to civilians until Dan's done. But he should be done soon so-"
"That is most unfortunate," the Director interrupted.
"Yeah, so-"
"For you."
"Umm... what do you-" Derpy's mailbox flung open. A series of letters, a stream of envelopes flew out. Derpy backed away in shock. Before she had the chance to wonder where even those letters had come from, they flew at her, wrapping around her legs. The mail barrage tied her up and stuck her to the mailbox's post, restraining her to it. Finally, a single postage stamp flew out and stamped itself over her muzzle, silencing her. "MMNN! MMMMPH!"
"Don't you just hate getting chain mail?" the Director asked, walking past Derpy and leaving her bound to her own mailbox.
Struggling on the ground, Derpy spat off the stamp covering her mouth. "They're called chain letters! Chainmail's a type of armor!"
"Duly noted."
"Discord would've known the difference!!" Derpy yelled as the Director entered the hole in the wall.
"I'm sure I'll remember next time." As the Director passed through the first barrier, Rogue Squadron strafed her path with laser fire. Bright bolts or orange energy lanced the ground around her exploding and sending sand, fire and smoke into the air. These were warning shots; if she came any closer, so would their lasers.
"Ah, the errand boys," she remarked, looking up at them. "I guess the Enclave wasn't much of a challenge, was it?" A single hand emerged from the Director's sleeve and rose, palm-up, towards the sky.
Edge had a close eye on the shadowy, hooded figure in his HUD's display. Whatever it was, it seemed to be a magic-user of some kind by the way it took down Derpy. General tactics with magic-users were simple: keep your distance, hit from high and hit fast. Alicorns, unicorns and creatures that could use magic tended to have limited range, mostly anyway. He knew all too well that some magic attacks had enormous scopes and some sorcerers could expand their powers to massive ranges. Still, it was safer to stay up high just in case, that way the Rogues would keep the advantage and hopefully get to Derpy faster.
"Five and Six in position, Commander! Ready to strafe on your mark!"
"Hold off on that, keep circling," Edge ordered. "Our guest seems to have stopped." He looked closer at the target, still moving as he watched her raise a hand to the sky. "Something's going on, get ready for-"
"Leader, we have incoming!"
"What?!" he said, looking around. First instinct as a pegasus was to check behind and above to make sure no one was sneaking up on him. He checked his HUD's radar and quickly saw a group of blips entering scan range.
"Ten... no, twelve marks at one o'clock, closing fast!"
"Seven through Twelve, go left! Two through Six on me!" Edge banked hard around, splitting his force into two groups to face the invaders. And that was when they made their own presence known.
"Edge Antares..." a smug-sounding voice said over the radio. "Not exactly a clever disguise, Wedge. What would Iella think if she knew you were here?"
Edge felt his jaw clench in pure rage. Whoever this joker was, he was pressing all the right buttons. Or all the wrong ones. "Who is this? You don't sound like Fel." He saw the enemy squadron. Twelve black dots coming into distance, growing quickly, coming right at them.
"This helmet doesn't have a voice modulator. You probably wouldn't know the difference if I had one, though," the voice said, laughing. "Of course, you didn't last time." The dots were almost upon them now. He could see them all clearly- twelve pegasi in jet-black armor. At their sides were strange, trapezoidal attachments that looked like solar panels. The eyes of their helmets resembled targeting sights instead of the visors the Rogues' helmets had. Finally, they each had two red stripes running down their barrels with the number 181 emblazoned in white directly in the center, their squadron number.
Director-summoned, Zsinj Special Forces 181st PIPgear Interceptor Squadron Are they real or fake this time?
Suddenly, Edge recognized exactly who had been taunting him. The name came to the front of his mind, hitting him like a brick to the face. "Tetran Cowall."
"You remembered!" The two squadrons opened fire. Red-orange and green lasers exchanged, blasting past and into pegasus armor. The Rogues engaged these new/old enemies, mixing into their formation like a swarm of angry hornets.
"These guys are good, Edge!"
"I got one on me! I got one on me, right now!"
"I copy, Case, brake right and I'll hit him."
"I copy!"
Edge flew through the entire scrambled formation. The Rogues each engaged their own target and were engaged in turn. It was a twelve-on-twelve dogfight, no chance to help out your wingpony. And Edge knew exactly who he could engage. At the opposite end of the swarm, the apparently ponified version of Tetran Cowall hovered in midair. His hooves were folded as if he'd been expecting him. Edge didn't give him a moment's notice; he opened up with all four lasers at the ends of his wings, sending lances of red right at him.
His opponent bowed and dropped, using gravity to assist a dive. The lasers sizzled right through the space he'd been in. Edge dove after him.
"You still don't realize how predictable you are, do you, Antilles?"
"I'm not Wedge Antilles. And you're not Tetran Cowall. This isn't a game!" Edge yelled.
"Sure, sure. I thought the name "Cobalt" sounded pretty good for a pony. Or you can go back to calling me Fel again, hahaha!"
Edge gritted his teeth. He chased after the black pegasus, barreling towards the ground. He fired off a full blast right where he expected him to be but the enemy accelerated to avoid the shot. Tetran kept turning, pulling further and further inward, forcing Wedge to do the same. But he kept on him, not losing his tail as he pursued Tetran's spiral dive.
"This may not be a game to you, but it's sure fun to me!" Pony-Tetran taunted, flipping over on his back and waving at him. "Besides, you never realize when you're getting played!" Suddenly, he stopped and pulled upward, coming to almost a complete midair halt. Wedge shot past him, unable to brake at such a speed.
"This one's for leaving me stranded on Selaggis! Adios, Antilles!" A white sphere shot from under Tetran's wing and raced for Wedge. A concussion missile, or some kind of Equestrian-equivalent. The pegasus knew he couldn't outrun it, couldn't dodge it and couldn't shake it off. It was just like Selaggis VI all over again. Fortunately, it wasn't exactly like Selaggis VI.
Wedge boosted forward instead of braking. He flew hard, he flew fast, as fast as he could, even closing his wings. As the missile closed on him, he suddenly pulled up, braked and cut his engines. Using the forward momentum, he turned the maneuver into a flip and fired his lasers at the oncoming missile, blasting it to pieces before the warhead could arm.
Tetran Cowall, or "Cobalt", or whoever it was, held a look of utter disbelief as Wedge destroyed the concussion missile. This look of shock amplified when an additional laser blast hit him and tore off all four of his trapezoid-solar wings, burning his armor.
"Well... I still have my acting."
"Face disagrees with you on that one."
"Wait, what?"
"You still have something on me, though," Wedge said, teeth gritted. "I can't even act like I care." He fired another blast right at the opposing pony at point-blank range, piercing his armor with four holes.
"Aaaaaaaaaaarrrg!" His armor smoked all the way to the ground. Wedge didn't follow it; he'd already done that once before. The victorious squadron leader turned his attention back to his own squadron as he boosted back up to help them. Four of the "181st" had already fallen and another six had apparently dropped when their leader had. Wedge shook his head; it was just like Selaggis.
Down on the ground, the Director had happily seen it all. She had even clapped a few times, as much as her weakened hands had been able to. The creature wore a bright smile that would've been seen as the cheeriest thing if it wasn't on the muzzle of a demon. She left as the Rogues dealt with the last of her summoned distraction, thankful that she took Vice's ad-vice for once.
Phoenix and Gust were busy examining one of the hangars that was built into the compound's sides, or maybe they were just there to get some shade. Dan's chariot was parked nearby along with a trailer that seemed to be making noise. The Director had to resist the urge to summon Miles Edgeworth and have him battle Phoenix Wright right now... she would have to make up for that later.
The Blast Sisters were busy stockpiling weapons taking off of the Flutterbirds. Missiles, bombs, grenades, rockets and mines were all laid out in piles organized by type and yield. Being former Enclave members, the Blasties were happily planning on turning their explosives against them just as soon as Dan gave the word and even doing a little experimenting later. None of them seemed to be aware of Derpy's predicament or the battle still raging overhead. But, the Director's own presence tended to be disruptive to communications, so they probably weren't able to contact any of the Rogues or Derpy just outside the base.
She entered the Enclave fortress through the hole the MY-Wing had made, deciding she would have to get one of those for herself, as well.
Dan had been surprisingly quiet since Sharp Winter scorched the upturned table. "What's the matter? Can't take the heat?" the general taunted, walking closer. "What did you think? Just because you beat my soldiers, took my base that you were somehow unstoppable?" he scoffed, reaching the table. "Just like the two of them: complacent, deluded in your own power until somepony rises up to take you down. Well now, the Enclave has risen. And you should be happy, they all should be happy!"
"The hell are you on about?" Dan's voice asked, echoing off the walls.
Sharp looked around. Scanners didn't reveal him and with all the heat, infrared was almost useless. He stepped carefully, anticipating a surprise attack. "You think it was easy for me to betray Celestia? Heck, I was forced to do it!"
"Bull. Sh*t." Again, his voice echoed.
"Look, we both know Vice Grip's a worthless idiot."
"We're in agreement there. No points for stating the obvious, though."
Winter switched directions. "He's just the first, though. Every species outside Equestria knows the princesses can't lead and half the ponies here know it, too. Celestia and Luna do nothing, they rely on Twilight and her little friends, that system was bound to be scrapped. Griffons, zebras, dragons, the friggin' sea ponies, you should be thanking the Enclave! AT LEAST WE'RE PONIES!!" he raged, his voice made mechanical by the helmet's mouthpiece. "The Enclave IS Equestria! There might be civilian casualties now and then but you can be damn sure it's a lot less than if the zebras were here! YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY IT WAS US AND NOT THEM!!"
Dan's voice came right up to his ear in a whisper. "I could say the same."
"Wa-AAARGH!" Sharp tripped, his legs yanked out from under him. From the table adjacent to him, Dan leapt out from under it and atop him, raising his Pain Cane high.
"Well I *clang* could say *Clang* THE SAME! *CLANG*" Dan said, smacking the General in the head with each pair of syllables. "Why weren't you happy with the way things were?! What if the zebras were in charge here?!" He hit the Enclave pony in the stomach with the head of the cane, smashing the edge of Granny Smith's horseshoes into the center mass of his armor.
"Yes! Yes! Go angry guy! Hit 'em right where it hurts!" TF2's Red Scout cheered. "Bonk! Bonk! Bonk, yeah, that's the stuff! Get him in the kneecaps! That's what I'd do!"
Dan paused, holding Sharp by his collar. "And you are?"
Scout shrugged. "Me? I'm just here for the tacos. You guys got good tacos."
The two went back to fighting. "What would you know?!" Sharp yelled. "You're just another lackey of theirs!" He raises his hoof but Dan blocked with his cane, pinning his limb to the ground. Sharp raised the other hoof and Dan grabbed it with his free hand and slammed it against the floor. Their faces were centimeters apart- Dan trying to keep the armored pony pinned and Sharp Winter struggling to break free. He wrested loose his right foreleg and sprayed a jet of fire and molten cheese at him. Dan grabbed his hoof and forced it away just in time to divert the flamethrower blast away from him.
"So what if I am?!" Dan raged, face-to-face with the general. "You're Vice Grip's lackey! And I just beat the crap out of a bunch of Vice Grip's lackeys!"
"Get off!" Sharp activated a pair of leg jets on his back legs. He flew with Dan, the human refusing to let go as the pair skidded across the floor and into the far wall.
They stood back up at the same time. Dan dove underneath another table just as Sharp unleashed another dual blast of flames.
"Grrrrr-aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!" Sharp roared, blasting underneath the table with the flamethrowers. Dan scrambled away as best he could, pulling against the floor with his hands, on all fours yanking himself forward to escape the flames. In moments, he was out of range of the flames.
Sharp Winter jumped onto the table he only just blasted. Like most things in the base, the table's construction was of a sort of metal construction that resisted heat and energy and could support his armor, at least for the moment. "No more games, Dan! Get out here and face me!"
"No thanks," Dan's voice came back. The human had already disappeared under the rows of tables.
"Coward! None of Twilight's other friends would be sneaking around! Any one of them would face me!"
"Pinkie would!" Dan hopped back up on one of the tables towards the entrance. "Fluttershy, maybe. Probably AJ, too. You obviously don't know anything about Twilight or her friends. But you did get one thing right."
"And that is?"
Dan smirked. "Any one of them could face you. And defeat you. Very easily."
"I got your easy right here!" Sharp engaged both flamethrowers and sent twin flares at Dan once again. But the taunting human was too far away for the flames to reach. Dan folded his arms in smirking triumph.
"Hold on, let me run go get some marshmallows and we'll make some s'mores with those things. I bet your campers would like that, huh?"
"Grrrrr," the general cut off the flames.
"They prefer hot dogs? Shishkebab? Hey, that's actually a weapon from Fallout, too-"
"Like cookouts, huh?!" Winter announced, removing his armor's sombrero-attachment. He spun it around on his hoof and ignited his free flamethrower on it. The hat-like accessory absorbed and regulated the flames on its brim, spinning faster and faster. "Let's see if this is spicy enough for ya!" At maximum heat, the general sent it flying at Dan.
"That's new," Dan said, just before he was forced to dodge the incoming projectile. It bounced off the wall behind him, forcing him to duck again as it flew back to Sharp on the same trajectory. "Missed again, herr kommandant!"
"That's the thing about revolutions," Sharp caught the hat, growling angrily at Dan. "They keep coming back at ya!" He spun around with the hat, throwing it harder this time. It flew at Dan even faster, spinning brightly and becoming one big fireball.
The human had no time to react. His trusted makeshift weapon in his hand, he delivered a hard, vertical swipe and smacked the sombrero flying back at Sharp Winter. He spun around again, kicking it with both legs. The fiery hat spun right back at Dan, who quickly smacked it back with an upward vertical swipe. It flew back at the general, who kicked again. Both of them became stuck in a game of Dead Man's Tennis aka Dead Man's Volley, a game so aptly named because the loser didn't usually walk away from the match. Frantically, they both continued smacking the burning sombrero back at one another, a deadly hot tamale between them.
"I can keep this up... *ung!* longer than you can, biped!" the general announced.
And Dan knew he was right. The pony's four legs and power armor allowed him to put plenty of power into each return while maintaining a standing position. Dan on the other hand was already feeling the muscles in his arms start to burn. If he dropped his guard, he'd be burning all over, though he knew he couldn't keep returning Winter's serves forever. But maybe, he didn't need to. He smirked and smacked the sombrero back again.
"Gnah!" Sharp grunted, kicking the fireball hat back again. "This was inevitable, Dan! If it wasn't me and my Enclave, *Nguh!* it would've been something else! Something... worse, even... *Gah!* The princesses, the mayor, the elements... none of them know how to fight a real war! *Nnngah!*"
*Tink-tink-tink* Something tapped General Winter on his right shoulder. When he looked over, Dan was standing right next to him.
"And neither do you." He gently swept the pony's forelegs out from under him.
"Wo-woah!" Sharp face-planted, forcing his hind legs to remain firmly in the standing position. "What was that for?!"
"This."
The fireball-sombrero slammed into Winter's armored plot with more force, heat and energy than even the armor could absorb. "GAAAAHHHHH!!!!" It hit the general so hard it knocked him off the table, set him ablaze and sent him spinning with his hat all the way across the room.
"That's the problem with your revolution, I guess. You don't have a leg to stand on!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHAAAA!!!" The general became part of the whirling fireball all the way up until he smashed through the cafeteria's separating glass into the kitchen. He collided with the back wall and exploded, covering the kitchen in fire and cheese. Finally, Sharp Winter slid off the wall and landed in a flaming heap just before the fire suppression system triggered, putting out his fires.
"And now, all your base are belong to ME, herr kommissar. I mean, uhh, kommandant. Or... ummm..." Dan thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Guy-who's-ass-I-just-kicked. Yep, that'll work." He strode into the kitchen, Pain Cane clasped on his back somehow and approached his defeated foe. The general made no attempt to stand against Dan, barely made an attempt to stand after the fire on his armor was doused. Dan stood over him with a proud smirk and his hands on his hips. "By the authority of the Sparkle Guard, you're under arrest, bub."
Armor melted and smoldering, helpless on the floor before him, Sharp Winter looked up at him. Through his smashed visor, he was able to make out Dan above him. He saw the human's proud, satisfied grin, imagined how he might look to him, and then, for the first time, saw the letters on the shirt. Particularly, General Sharp Winter saw the capital "E" in the middle of Dan's JERK logo.
"I... I understand now," the general said weakly. "She was right; the Enclave IS the future. But... it wasn't my Enclave. It was yours."
"Don't give me that garbage," Dan picked up the pony by the shoulders and stood him up, burnt pieces of his armor falling to the floor. "You and all your little tin can nazi fans are finished. Every last pony in the Enclave is going to face justice, REAL justice and the only armored thing any of you will be wearing for the next few months is going to be an electric hoof bracelet or a good ole' fashion ball'n chain. Hope you like orange jumpsuits."
But Sharp only smiled at him. From his Enclave Officer's uniform, somehow still pristine after all the fighting, he picked off a single medal from his chest. He hooved it to Dan- a small, circular pendant of the capital letter E surrounded by matching gold stars. Emblazoned on the edges were the words: Aegis Semper Caelum, Protect Always Our Skies.
"It's like I told you, Dan. If it wasn't me, it would've been someone else. Someone worse," Sharp said as Dan took the medal. "There will be others. More will rise to test you, to test all of Equestria. You have to stand against them all. For them," he rose his right hoof weakly to give a salute. "Commander Hurricane would be proud someone so vigilante was in charge. This is your Enclave now, Dan."
Dan looked at the medal in his palm. It was pretty big; an obvious symbol of prestige, honor, significance. All to something that was so fundamentally flawed, so abused, had so much potential but was used only for bad. And like the organization is so clearly, proudly represented, it was cheap, made to look good but had been crafted by some kind of fake material and shined until it flaked on the bottom. It was like an evil version of Phoenix's lawyer badge. In the end, the symbol didn't matter. What was important was what it represented.
"There is no Enclave." Dan broke the medal in half in his hand. Before Sharp could say anything, the human grabbed him by his forelegs and spun him around, shoving him against the wall. "All you know how to do is complain at the system. That's the difference between you and me: I don't attack the system. I don't do anything that might hurt the innocent... or at least, I try not to. It's individuals that will always be the problem and the solution. So that's what I work on solving." He pressed him against the wall, hard. "You're just part of the problem, you pathetic ingrate. And I'm your solution."
It was Sharp's turn to grin at that. "Are you a final solution, Dan?"
"I'm a final resolution," Dan corrected. He used some cord from the kitchen to tie Winter's hooves behind his back. He then tied the CO up to a metal table and stood back. "Because I share Equestria's beliefs. That's what you don't understand- there might be more like you out there but there's more like me, too. And we work together better than you guys do. That's why we won. Maybe you'll take that into consideration next time you plan sucker punching us. Because I'll always get ya back for it," he said, smirking. He turned around and began walking to the rest of the tables. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take the rest of your Mexican food up to my friends. Play nice, and I'll send somepony down with a taco later."
Just as Dan was walking away to procure delicious treats, the lights in the kitchen began to flicker. "Gonna have to get those fixed before I use this place, I guess."
Still restrained, the general looked up at the lights. They didn't just flicker on and off; they dimmed and fluctuated, as if something was draining the power itself. "She's coming."
Dan tried some of the cheese in one of the nacho fountains. "Not bad, Twilight might like this."
"She's coming!" Sharp yelled.
"Who?" Dan looked around. "I didn't see that Springer-chick around here. Was she at this base or did you ship her to a different summer camp location?"
The lights continued to flicker, more erratically now. "The Faceless One! She's almost here!!" Sharp yelled. Still bound to the table, he looked up at Dan intently, something between horror and total lucidity in his eyes.
"The squee are you even on about, Sharpy?"
"Listen to me," he said, staring right into Dan's eyes. "Two sisters- one saved and the other forsaken. To reverse this curse, would see both worlds taken. She will go to any length to receive such grace... but only one knows her true place."
Dan's mouth hung open for a moment as he processed the information. When he was finished, he drew only one conclusion. "Um... should I have written that down?"
"SHE WANTS BOTH!!" Sharp screamed. He began struggling against his restraints as the lights flickered, the kitchen constantly changing from lit to pitch black. "SHE WANTS BOTH! SHEWANTSBOTHSHEWANTSBOTHSHEWANTSBOTHSHEEEEE WAAAANTTTSS BOOOOOOOTTHH!!!!" at the top of his lungs, he screamed.
Suddenly, the lights went out and stayed that way. Everything suddenly became silent. No noise from Sharp Winter, no nose from anything as Dan soon found himself fumbling around in the dark. He knocked over a utensil or something he hadn't seen and it clattered to the floor, making the only noise that broke the silence just for a moment. He felt around the wall for a light switch but didn't find one. A cold fear crept its way up inside of him.
The lights turned back on again, just as suddenly as they'd gone out. Except, they weren't the same lights as before: they now were all red. The kitchen, the room's walls and everything was now cast in an eerie red glow. Dan turned around to where Sharp Winter was tied up.
But the general was gone. In his place, there was only the cords that had held him in place, still tied.
"Alright, uhh... I'm outta here." Dan had had enough. He immediately turned and walked out of the kitchen at a brisk pace, suddenly wanting to be very far away from here. The air only moments ago had been hot from all the heat trapped but now was ice-cold. In fact, there was a layer of condensation on the tables that was clearly visible.
Dan's heart began to beat a little faster. It was time to leave. Fast. Now. He continued his brisk walk through the red light-bathed cafeteria and was almost halfway to the doors... when they opened for him.
"Oh... uh, hi," Dan said, somewhat relieved. "Been a while since the Crystal Empire. Thanks for helping out with that, by the way."
"It was my pleasure," the hooded creature replied. Its muzzle was barely perceptible, its entire body obscured by the dark cloak it wore. It stood there, motionless and unreadable in front of him. For a brief moment, neither of them said anything in the eerie, cold silence.
"So... um, I was just leaving, and-"
"I don't think you want to leave just yet," the Director said casually. The doors to the cafeteria slowly swung shut.
"Why exactly is that?" Dan asked, wary. He withdrew the Pain Cane from his back and held it with one hand firmly.
The Director's body stiffened and it took a bipedal stance. From its two front sleeves, a pair of long, thin hands materialized and raised to pull back the creature's hood. "We have much to discuss."
Dan narrowed his eyes at the pony. "Lyra?"
CIA Chief Operations Director Lyra Heartstrings Fangirl
She smiled softly back at him. "Not quite," the Director said. She tapped her forehead with a single, knobby finger. "Your Lyra is a unicorn, while I'm... well, I'm a lot of things." Even as she said that, her face reconfigured into another one Dan was familiar with. "And did I not tell you to remain seated?"
"It was you," Dan said, pointing at her accusingly. "On the plane. That was you. You were the stewardess."
The Director nodded, giggling. "Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm... not exactly very subtle, am I?" she asked, her face reconfiguring back into a mare-form. Although she bore a striking resemblance to Lyra, it was clear she was somehow a different mare. Her hair was long, stringy and white, her eyes were a single shade of blue and her coat was bluish-white. This was only one layer of a very deep, enigmatic riddle. "Vice was there, too, by the way. He was flying the plane."
"So, you're both the reason I'm here," Dan said. "You summoned me here, is that it? You mislabeled the emergency exit on purpose?"
"Actually, no," she admitted. "Although, we probably would've used you if we'd known but we're not responsible for you being here." She rose her left hand and whisked it through the air, as if her fingers mingled through an unseen web. The lights flickered again; a rush of magical energy flew coalesced into a ball next to her and expanded outward. It formed into a dark cloud about twice her size, thundering and surging with bolts of purple lightning. "Come with me. There's something I want to show you."
Dan stared at the black-purplish mass of evil, pulsating storm clouds. "Yeeeeahhh... you know, as tempting as that sounds, I think I'll pass on the whole 'swirling storm-portal of doom' thing, thanks."
The tiny grin on the Director's muzzle did not diminish. "I'm afraid I must insist," she said, raising her hand.
Dan was about to turn around and start running when he suddenly felt himself pulled towards the void. The clouds began spinning, wind in the cafeteria began to rush and pull him towards the storm. He slid, dove for a table and grabbed a chair as the pull began as strong as a maelstrom. Burnt pieces of the banner whipped around and were sucked in past Dan. It took a while; Dan's legs dangled helplessly as the vortex pulled him but his grip eventually let loose. He fell into the clouds once again.
Location Unknown, Exact Position Unknown
The trip from the cafeteria of Halberd Base to... wherever Dan was now was nearly instantaneous. Like his original trip to Equestria, he exited the clouds to find himself in another world. Or, at least what felt like another world. Unlike last time though, he was closer to the ground.
"Uggfff!" Dan hit the ground face-first.
"Sorry about that. Should've mentioned the first step would be a little rough."
"Yeah, I'm sure it just slipped your mind," Dan said, getting up. One thing was immediately clear about wherever he'd been teleported: he had no idea where it was. The sky was dark- either because it was clouded, because it was night or... some other reason Dan could only guess at. He could see stars through them, so that was one thing. The clouds seemed to descend all the way to the ground, becoming a thicker fog that surrounded the area, making it nearly impossible to see through. In the distance, he could vaguely make out mountains, taller than the ones he'd known from Equestria.
"So, I'm guessing you warped me to your secret lair?"
"Well, you're half-right," the Director said. The hooded figure materialized right beside him, nearly making him jump back again. "It's not a secret. Just... forgotten," she said, walking towards the front gate. In front of them was a house. Or some kind of mini-mansion. Dan wasn't sure but it did kind of resemble homes he'd tried to vandalize/destroy in gated communities back in California. This was the first time he actually had been invited to enter one, though so he was briefly excited at the prospect. Until he looked closer at it.
The Director waved a hand and the gates in the front opened. "Welcome to the Paradise Estate."
"The 'Paradise Estate'?" Dan repeated. "Is this like a motel or something?"
The hooded figure shook its... hood. "A relic from another time," she said, running her fingers along the edges of the gate.
"I see," Dan said, stepping forward. Upon closer inspection, the building was clearly dilapidated. Shingles were missing from the roof, the gate's bars were bent in several places and the concrete had cracks running up the sides of the walls. He'd seen houses like this before, even fixed them up. The only thing that was missing was some well-placed graffiti and bars on the windows. But the windows seemed to be in perfect condition... no, wait, they're missing the glass. Clearly, the place was once some regal manor of some kind but had been reduced to a total dump. At the very least, it was familiar.
"This is your house, isn't it?" Dan asked. "Looks like you need some new... everything."
She nodded, smiling. "I couldn't agree more. Come on in, I'll make you some tea." The human hesitated, then remained steadfast in place. She hovered back down to him. "I promise you'll want to hear what I have to say. It pertains to some friends you're... missing at the moment."
The human eyed the smiling, giggling creature. "Sure," he replied, stepping inside. The gate creaked shut behind him.
The interior of the estate didn't look any better than the outside. A very small courtyard separated the two main structures, twin domiciles that made up the living quarters of the estate. In the back, a pool was situated behind the courtyard with its own canopy over it but both it and the pool hadn't seen service in years. A table with its own bent umbrella sat in the center of the courtyard, complete with its own lawn chairs, both of which looked relatively new.
"It has been some time," the Director said, walking up to the table. She pulled out one of the lawn chairs. "Have a seat and I'll get the tea started."
Dan sighed. "Of course you will." He flopped in the chair, deciding it was best to just let things play out. Checking his cell phone, he was not surprised to see he had no reception. Evil, ominous and cryptic settings never had good coverage.
After a few minutes, the Director walked back into the courtyard with a tray, kettle and cups. "It has been some time."
"Since you had guests?"
"That too," she said, setting things down. Carefully, she set out both tea cups on their own saucer and poured the tea. Steam rose from the liquid, quickly blending in with the fog as it escaped. Dan stirred, took a light sip and gave her a single nod of approval. The Director smiled and took her seat. "I could easily do this with magic. Snap my fingers, wave my hand or even say the right words and the tea would prepare and pour itself," she said, setting the kettle down. She caressed the handle with a her hand. "I like using my hands, though. The sensation of actually feeling something... touching it. Magic doesn't provide that."
"Uh huh," Dan said, sipping again. "I'm sure Lyra would agree. She likes hands, too. Might get her a pair of those gauntlet-things Vice Grip wears once I rip them off him."
The Director smiled. "Hm-hmm-hmm... she'd like that."
"Yep."
"You know why Vice's boots don't have toes on them?"
"Can't say I do," Dan answered.
"Hehehe... he actually didn't know humans had toes for a while," she said, taking a sip from her own cup. "The only times he'd seen humans, they had all been wearing shoes. He thought that's what your feet actually looked like and didn't really know they were just covers for them," she explained. "He's kind of funny when you think about him. A lot like you, actually."
"Yeah, I'm sure he's a hoot," Dan said, setting his tea down. "Guy threatens two different planets with the same weapon. He just must be a riot at parties." The sarcasm in Dan's voice was as thick as the fog around them. "The thing is, he's NOTHING like me. I don't threaten anybody like he does; I get results. People can do what they want but if they try to screw me over, THEN I destroy them. What Vice does is like... the reverse of that."
The Director shrugged. "Well, he's not quite you but he's the closest thing to you in Equestria."
"Bullshit," Dan point-blank fired back. "I'm a guard captain. Vice Grip's a cat, a chair and a camera angle away from being Dr. Claw. Seriously, tell him to turn around and say, "I'll get you next time, Gadget!" He even has the same claws already!"
"That does sound like a fun idea... I might have to do that," she said. "However, you do share a lot in common with him. You both try and risk much to change the worlds you're from, for one. You're both quite tenacious, determined and resolute in your beliefs. And you're both quite adept at improvising and building things."
"Heh, my stuff lasts longer than his, though," he said, grinning with satisfaction. He noticed the hooded menace still staring at him, almost as fond as fascinated. It made his skin crawl and was a reminder that he was still playing into someone else's hands. "So, we're both handy and idealistic. What's your point?"
"Oh, nothing," she said, holding her cup and drinking from it with both hands. "Just something interesting I noticed, is all."
"Yeah, I'll bet." He finished his tea and set the cup down. "What's your deal, though? What do you get out of all of this?"
Again, the Director shrugged casually. "A good show, what else? Vice wanted to destroy Equestria, I convinced him to attack Earth instead and I told him you were the key to getting there."
"And why me?" Dan asked.
"Well, as you've already been told, the Sword Spells require a magical connection to Earth in order to be effective on it. That's how magic works: it works through connections and bonds that react with one another, like the connection between different atoms. For all Vice's scientific genius, he still fails to understand how magic works sometimes," she said, sipping and giggling. "We needed someone angry enough to want to destroy Earth, someone so fed up with the planet and everything in it that they'd be willing to just vaporize it all. We found you."
It made sense. To Dan, at least, it was a reason why he was here. Heck, he'd felt mad enough to want to nuke things before but... he'd never actually do it. Right? "So... he still needs me to get to Earth and blow it up. Is that it?"
The Director shook her head. "Not exactly. See, he's able to figure out just about any form of magic in time. He'll eventually learn how to reach Earth without magic. But, if he kills you or any of your friends, he knows he'll be killing an option he might have to use later. As a scientist, he can't allow himself to do something that's so blatantly illogical, impractical. Despite the fact that his true motivation is revenge..." a sinister smile spread over her lips, "he can't seem to bring himself to exact it for revenge alone."
"Revenge?" Dan pointed at the word. "So all that crap about "Equestria's stolen future" and building a better tomorrow, that's all a crock, isn't it?"
She shook her head again. "Again, not exactly. But why not kill two birds with one stone?" she asked, giggling again. It pissed Dan off to know end, watching her smugly chortle away. But he endured. "Why not destroy the old world, erase the mistakes of the past while at the same time building the foundation for a brighter future?" The Director's smile faded briefly. "Even better when they deserve it."
Ah ha! Dan caught that, using perceptive skills and analysis he'd picked up from Phoenix. "When they deserve it," he repeated, "That's an interesting way to put it, don't you think? Almost like you agree with Vice Grip. Almost like you..." he trailed off.
The Director now stared at him. And she wasn't smiling. "Of course I agree with him. Equestria has to change, it's obvious. That's why you're here and not on Earth, it's why we had to get rid of Tia and Luan so that they-"
Now, it was Dan's turn to smile. "Wait wait wait wait," he held up his hand, "you just said EQUESTRIA has to change. I thought Earth was the target. Isn't that why he needs me- so he can summon his doomsday missiles right to my world's front door?"
"Oops," the Director said. Her smile returned... more sinister than it had ever been. "I may have forgotten to mention that. I may have used my contacts on Earth to alert them that a nuclear threat may be imminent. When Vice launched the Sword Spells at Earth, I had it set up so that Russia, China and the United States would be able to retaliate in full... just before they were wiped off the face of existence."
Dan's mouth hung open in near-disbelief. "You're insane. You would've blown up both Earth and Equestria...," he said, shaking his head. "You're worse than he is."
She smiled, finished drinking and then held the cup in her hands, caressing it. "But you stopped him. For now, at least. You delayed Fallout for at least a few months, bought you, your friends and all of ponies and humanity a little more time. That's something worth celebrating, isn't it?"
"Why? Why are you doing this? This is all just some kind of twisted game to you?!"
"A game I enjoy watching, Dan. Whoever wins, Equestria and Earth will never be the same," she said, smiling.
"WHY?!" Dan raged. He got up, slammed his cup down on the table but it didn't crack. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!!" he yelled in her face.
"Like I told you in the Crystal Empire, I'm a lot of things," she said, still sitting. She held up her free hand and looked at it. "The hands are Lyra's... she would like them, I'm sure. I think my face is Trixie's and I'm pretty sure my magic is Nightmare Moon's. Maybe Discord's, too. I guess you could say I'm... complicated."
Dan looked down at her, into her eyes. It was like staring into the void and watching it stare you back. He narrowed his own eyes. "Then what were you? Before all of... this... who were you?"
The cup shattered in her grip. She looked at him again and he recognized what was on her ravaged, monstrous expression. Underneath all the enigma, the mystery and the horror, he saw anger. "What do you want me to say?" she asked. Even her voice had changed; it was more feminine and dripped of a venomous sting. "What do you want me to tell you?"
"The truth, "Director"," Dan said firmly. "Tell me the truth." There was no magatama nearby and Dan had never seen a psyche-lock before. Despite this, the world around them seemed to fade into the background until there was nothing around them but blackness. And the Director stared back at Dan, unsmiling.
The Truth
There are dark and forgotten places in Equestria that few know of. Lost remnants of another age that only those who seek the darkest of knowledge ever visit. But I was not there alone. And although our alliance was one of uncertainty and fear, they came with me, too. Perhaps they were curious... or maybe they didn't trust me from the very beginning.
"This is the spot. This is where we will summon them back."
"Is this... are you sure this is wise?"
"This is what the book says, Lulu. This is what we have to do."
"But what if this is wrong? What if the book is wrong?"
"It can't be wrong, Tia. They wrote it."
"We've never tried to harness this type of magic before!"
"Luna's right! What if we can't control it?"
"The book, it's changing you! Can't you see that?"
"Enough, both of you. It's going to take all three of us to summon them back. Luna, Tia, get to your positions. We do this together like we agreed. We will get them back."
"But what if we're wrong?"
"Then they'll fix it. They'll fix it like they always do."
We knew what we had to do. Equestria needed its king and queen to come back, to bring us real harmony. We found a way to bring them back: summoning magic. We need it would take a lot... but it was worth any cost. We were willing to do anything to bring back our parents.
Or so I thought.
"Wait... wait, Tia, what are you doing?!"
"We're stopping this. We're stopping this right now."
"You're taking this too far! This isn't what they would've wanted!"
"Luna, no!!"
"Stop it! Stop it now!"
"We can't! We're so close, we can't!!"
"STOP IT NOW!!!"
"No, I can't, I, I can't, I just-"
"STOP!!"
"I CAN'T!!!"
"CLEO!!!!"
That name... it echoes through me still. All meaning of it, lost. Except for one: Betrayal.
They betrayed me. They betrayed all we worked for, all we strived for, all we fought for. At the last moment, they stripped me of my magic and drained me of my powers. I was struck down, destroyed, and left behind. I suffered... indignities. And fell into darkness.
"There must always be a Darth Traya, as they say. One who has been betrayed and will betray in turn," the Director said, still standing. "But if you want to know the truth, it's all around us. King Eternos, Queen Galaxina... the parents of Celestia, Luna and... me. They are out there still," she said, looking up into the sky. Her eyes may have been able to see the stars, maybe. But to Dan, it looked like she was just staring into the fog, seeing shapes when nothing was really there.
"They're searching for their own purpose, out there amongst the stars, galaxies and other worlds. Other Equestrias. But sometimes, they turn their eyes back to us," the Director explained. "Cleo... that was the name they gave me. I prefer the title "Director", though. It's their will, the will of magic I'm acting out. And all these forces around us, I'm just directing them. Guiding them to their... natural conclusion."
When she looked back down, Dan was gone.
"What? Dan?" She looked around but he was nowhere to be found. "Dan? Dan!!"
*Bullvv-flllsssshhhh*
That noise, it came from the building's west module. Setting the remains of her cup down, she sighed and entered the house.
Just as the Director walked in the room, the door to the bathroom swung open.
"Ahhhhh," Dan said, relieved. "Had to use the can. Hope you don't mind, D-bags." He slapped her on the shoulder as passed.
The Director looked puzzled. "What? What were you doing in there?"
"I left the door open for a reason there, chief. You're gonna wanna give that room about an hour or two."
The Director placed her hand on the door to close it. And that was when the smell hit her. "Oh... mai gawd. OHMAIGAWD," she fell to her knees, gasping for breath. "*cough* *cough* Haaaaaghhhugh, the smell! Oh sweet me!!!"
"Heheh, yeah, that's Mexican, for ya. And I just had two tacos and some of those nachos with the cheese fountain. Mmm, good stuff."
"I... I can't breathe..."
"Walk it off," Dan said, dragging the hapless mare as she writhed on the ground. "I share a bathroom with a bunch of ponies, a lawyer, a griffon and a dragon. You think this is bad, just wait until the morning after Leftovers Thursday or Friday Surprise." He propped her in the corner of the kitchen and fixed himself some more tea. "Nice place you got here."
Dan pulled out his phone and finished another cup of tea while the Director recovered. After a few moments of struggling, he actually was surprised to find he got some amount of reception. He quickly called Phoenix while he still had a connection.
"Dan? Hello? Are you there?"
"Yeah Nicky, I am. Not sure where I am at the moment but I'm all right."
"What do you mean? Are you still in the base?"
"No idea, at the moment," Dan said, looking around. "I don't think I'm in the base any more... might not even be on Equestria. You remember that creepy cloaked pony from the CE?"
"Yeah, the one who said we had to rescue Sam."
"Yeah, well he showed up again. Or she. Or... something. The Director intercepted me in the base and warped me to somewhere else. I have no idea where it is or how far away I am."
"That's not good."
"Tell me about it." As Dan spoke on the phone, the Director hovered out of the house towards him. And she didn't look happy.
"You defiled the Paradise Estate!"
Dan paused, looked at the floating, cloaked creature and said, "I'll call you back, Nicky."
"Be careful, Dan."*click*
"You defiled the Paradise Estate!" the Director yelled again.
Dan cast a glance around them. "Lady, have you seen this place? Your house was defiled long before I came here. I mean, seriously, it looks like Barbie's Malibu Beach house after it was hit by an earthquake. And a tornado."
"This is sacred ground!"
"And a riot."
"SHUT UP!" she yelled in his face. The human was silenced as she hovered less than an inch from him, teeth gritted, eyes glowing red with rage. She huffed for a few moments, then slowly began to regain her composure. The creature giggled. "Good one!"
"Good... what?" Dan asked, now more confused.
"As I said, I have a proposition for you," the Director said, floating down into the seat next to his again. The tea kettle and cup hovered behind her and appeared to prepare themselves. But instead, they simply poured their contents on the ground and then flew away in a bizarre, spinning fashion. "I was wondering if we could make a trade," she leaned in, intently.
"What, uh, what kind of trade exactly?"
"A prisoner exchange, of sorts." She snapped her fingers. General Sharp Winter appeared, suspended in midair by two swirling rings. It happened so abruptly, Dan nearly fell out of his chair as he scrambled to get out of the way. The pegasus general spun slowly, eyes closed as if unconscious or sleeping.
"That's... where did you get him?! Wait, in the base..." he remembered back to when Sharp had disappeared. "Was that...?"
The Director nodded. "Part of the Enclave's agreement for using our equipment was that they obey us, or rather, me, unconditionally. But, you defeated him fair and square, so now he's your piece."
Dan shook his head in disbelief. "The buck are you even talking about?"
"Heeheehee, spoils to the victor, silly," she said. "This is you versus Vice Grip. You have your pieces, he has his. He beat Celestia, Luna and five of the Mane Six, so he has those pieces. You beat Gust and his fleet and now Sharp Winter and his Enclave. Now, I propose a trade."
"Pieces..." Dan repeated. "Those... these are real, live people you're talking about! Well... ponies, mostly and the bird guys-"
"Griffons."
"Yeah, those but you're talking like they're toys or something!"
She smiled. "Ah, finally, you understand. Took Vice a while to get it, too."
"I... I-I..." he stammered, still stunned in disbelief. This was all a game to her, a literal game! But not one she was playing, one that she was WATCHING. The sickness was enough to make him practically vomit. Nope... he actually did throw up a bit. "Haagh... tha... that's disgusting. You... you are disgusting."
The Director shrugged. "I'm a practical... something, Dan. But I'm also fair. Vice has some big advantages over you so I just do my best to even things out a bit."
Practical... yeah, that was one way of looking at it. He braced himself on the chair as he recovered. At the very least, he knew a little bit more of how the Director thought. Individuals were just toys to her. It wasn't a very original mindset but appeared to be one she'd taken to the fullest and dove off the deep end with. In fact, even the Paradise Estate seemed to look like a toy playset of some kind upon closer inspection. And thinking back... even Halberd Base did. How much of this was her doing?
He looked up at the dangling pony. "Ah... uh..., you said we were trading."
She nodded. "I did."
Dan wiped his mouth off and regained his strength, steadying himself. "So, if that's my.... piece... where's yours? Or Vice's?"
The Director raised her other hand and snapped her opposite fingers. After a brief flash of light, an object illuminated the area, spinning next to the general. Dan recognized exactly what it was.
"A Sword Spell?" Dan asked, looking at the red horn-shaped missile.
"The same one from Hearth's Warm-err, Christmas," she said, smiling. "The only one left at the moment since your influence changed the others into harmless fireworks."
The red warhead glowed just as it did those months ago. Inside, darker red spheres, potent orbs of magic, bobbed up and down as if they were suspended in a constantly-fluctuating liquid. "What am I going to do with a bomb?" Dan asked, looking at it.
"Whatever you want to do with it," she cooed. "Use it... destroy Vice and all his machines. Or, give it to Twilight so she can study it... and unlock its secrets," a malevolent smile spread across her face.
Dan raised an eyebrow. "And what would you have me do with it? Why is Sharpy here more important to you than your last ICBM?"
"That's not part of the deal," the Director said sternly. "But know this- if you decline, you'll be throwing away your best chance to defend against Vice Grip's threats."
The human grinned and folded his arms. "No dice, little blue darkling hood. Besides, I know two mares that can make any bomb there is, so I'll get me a Sword Spell eventually."
The Director scowled. "So be it. I've distracted you long enough anyway."
Dan's face went pale. "Distracted?"
Without another word, she snapped her fingers and both Sharp Winter and the Sword Spell disappeared. "Well, I suppose it's time you rejoined your friends, Dan. I enjoyed this little conversation."
"Yeah, and I enjoyed using your crapper," Dan said, grinning. "Almost reminds me of Blueblood's golden outhouse only not as tacky."
She scowled again. "You're lucky I need you to make them see." She rose her hands and Dan began to feel himself being pulled back. "There's only ever been one of you."
He fought against the pull. The vortex appeared behind him; he didn't need to look over his shoulder to see it. The wind whipped around him, sucked into the portal that was dragging him in. He braced against it. "What do you mean make them see?!"
She didn't answer him. Even as the vortex pulled on him more and more, finally sucking him into it, all he heard was the Director's echoing laughter.
The Director watched as the vortex swallowed up Dan and disappeared. She stared into the space where it had been, into the dense haze beyond for a long time. The fog surrounded the Paradise Estate all the time, every day. Magic had ways of making strong emotions and feelings affect the environment but sometimes, it was difficult to tell where they came from or what they represented. She wasn't sure if the fog was supposed to represent memories or time or some other concept. But she could tell it was magic causing the mists to gather, to condense them around her home and refuse to let them disperse. She could tell it was magic trying to tell her something.
And she liked to stare right back at it. Right at Equestria itself. For a long time, she stared into the thick fog because she had her own message to send.
It's all going to burn.
She took the teacups, plates and kettle into the kitchen and proceeded to wash them. She did so by hand, enjoying the feeling of the water and the smooth surfaces. It was soothing, in a way to just perform this simple act with her own power, without magic.
With her own hands. As she washed, she occasionally glanced up at the wall above the sink, just below the window looking out. A group of pictures hung there, more memories within her forgotten museum. She tried to focus on scrubbing but the pictures wouldn't let her. The Director found her eyes constantly looking up at them, drawn to them and the faces of those who had been left behind. One of them had been hers.
The photos were a lot like the Paradise Estate- somewhere in a limbo between remembered and forgotten. But the ponies in them... and the others, they were not like Paradise Estate. Wherever they were, they were not here. They had gone on, that was one thing they all had in common but some of them, she knew, still looked back. On rare nights, they looked to the Paradise Estate, to the Kingdom of days past. To Enchantria, the place they all once called home. The place that every pony, that everyone once called home.
She knew the names of every single subject in the pictures. There was a picture of Star Swirl before he grew his beard next to Tia and Luna's parents. Her parents... and all their friends. The Grundles, the Bushwoolies, the Flutter Ponies and even Gary Busey all hung next to each other, mementos of a lost, simpler and happier time.
Her time.
She reached out with her hand to touch one in particular, a special one. But her fingers never touched it. Instead, a hoof tapped the inside of the picture, her own hoof. She recoiled quickly and waited for her hoof to change back into a hand. Her digits returned quickly, as they always did and she flexed her hand, as she always did. She turned back to the picture and stood, hands propped against her sink, staring at it with teary eyes.
Megan... why did you do it, Megan? Why did you want me to stay?
The picture, the single faded photo of a young blonde-haired girl and a white mare, hung in silence. She stood there, tears in her eyes, staring at it for a long time, asking it over and over and over the same question: why?
The picture never said anything back.
Halberd Base, Equestria
The portal tumbled Dan out onto the floor of the base's sub level, just as it had the ground in front of Paradise Estate. He got to his feet slowly, making sure everything was okay on his person first. And when he got up, it was clear he wasn't in the same part of the base he'd been in. Directly in front of him was a cart, like a medical gurney and strapped to it was none other than General Sharp Winter. He was unconscious and restrained, tied to the cart with the same twine Dan had bound his hooves with in the kitchen. But they weren't in the kitchen.
They were in a small room, like a storage closet of some sort. High ceiling like the rest of the base and the room glowed red. There was a single light above him... but the light wasn't red. In fact, it wasn't even on. The light was coming from a trio of objects to his side, slotted into indentations in the room's side. Each one was big, large enough to accommodate the objects inside of them and rowed up right next to each other, yet still separated. The moment he saw them, Dan stopped examining the room. The glow came from them.
Sword Spells. Or... what looked like them, at least. They were each different: the one closest to the doorway looked like a regular Sword Spell, the massive, glowing red horn of a Magic Gear but the other two were different. The one in the middle had a split down the center, like two horns growing growing out of one. And the last one was even stranger. Furthest from the door, in the largest indentation was what looked like a glowing statue. Unlike the other two, it was not translucent. It was some kind of double helix statue of two horn or talon-like objects that began to wrap around each other and intertwined but never touched tips.
Dan decided that whatever he was seeing was too important to dismiss right away. "Hey, doofus," he slapped Winter's cheek. "Wake up."
"Errarr? Uhhrrr..." the general muttered, still not fully conscious.
"Okay, fine. If you're not going to be helpful," Dan approached the last one, determined to investigate. At the base of the alcove, he noticed a plaque that read: Aegis VII Relic, recovered by Dr. Yearling, reconstructed by Dr. Bandwidth.
"Yearling..." Dan said, remembering the name. "Daring." Archaeo Knowledge Yearling was Daring Do's real name, though most in Equestria were unaware that A.K Yearling and Daring Do were the same pony. The fact that her name was mentioned on the label made it clear to Dan that Daring had been in contact with the Enclave for at least some time, if not as Daring then as her alter-ego.
He continued looking around until he located a terminal at the back of the room. The screen was covered in a fine layer of dust and looked oddly similar to the terminal he had installed for the security system at the library. And fortunately, he was able to turn it on the same way. The moment he did, it began to display his image looking back at the terminal. The terminal was some kind of recording station. It didn't take Dan long to find the previous recorded logs and begin playing them.
The first log took a moment to start but when it did, it showed the face of a green-maned white pegasus. It seemed the Enclave had a thing for green, if Dan had to guess. At first, he spoke but there was no sound until the pony reached up and tapped something near the edge of the screen.
"Heh... sorry about that. Um, as I was saying, this is Science Team's log, Dr. Bandwidth reporting. Or, maybe I should say Colonel Bandwidth, now, heheh. I, uh, just wanted to say it's an honor... working with the Enclave and finally getting to actually meet Professor Vice Grip. I mean, I've read all his work on bio-magical utilization methods but to actually meet him face-to-face is... well, it's exhilarating." The pony in the image looked like he could barely contain himself. Another typical trait of the Enclave, Dan thought.
"He says we're working on big things and everypony around here is just so brilliant. I feel like... like I finally have some place where I can belong. I didn't think a place like this could exist in Equestria; it's just so amazing!" the pony exclaimed. He turned his head down for a moment. "I didn't really know what to do when I found out the princesses were lying to me. Lying to all of us. I just... I feel so betrayed. Equestria was meant to stand for something better. Isn't that what the Elements of Harmony are all about?"
The image broke into static and took a moment to recover. "-worried about some of these guys. But, I guess if I'm getting a second chance, they deserve one, too. I'm excited to show Vice-err, I mean, the professor, all my ideas about magical wavelengths! This could be a whole new field of research!"
"Colonel... Hngggg, Colonel... Bandwidth..." Sharp muttered behind Dan. The human looked over his shoulder at him.
"Somepony you know?" Dan asked. But the general didn't respond. Dan played the second log.
"-not being told about a lot of things. And now members of the team are being shifted around. I don't like this," Bandwidth said, sounding less excited than he had been. "Captain Springer's demands for some kind of "portable nuke" are not something I can condone after what happened to Major Summer and Lieutenant Major Midsummer. He looked down again, as if holding something in his hooves.
"I tried talking to Vice about this... about these experiments. I don't... I don't think the DNA experiments are going very well. Lightning Claw and his brothers are... unstable. And I'm beginning to wonder where we're getting all of this "elemental energy" in the first place. Vice says this is for the good of all Equestria and that nopony is getting hurt." The pony looked right at the screen. "I don't think what we're doing is right anymore. I... I wish they'd just talk to me."
There was only one other log. Dan clicked it twice and it started automatically. In this log, the pony called Bandwidth began by looking right at the screen. And it was clear something wasn't right about him.
"They were lying to me. I knew it- I KNEW IT! THEY WERE ALL LYING TO ME AND I KNEW IT!!" he screamed, causing the screen to vibrate. There were bags under Bandwidth's eyes and he appeared to be wearing a tinfoil hat. "They were all behind it. The whole time, they used my program, my Signal Transceiver to monitor another world! The Marker we found, they're using it to build these things called Sword Spells, preparing for an invasion! But they'll never be able to launch them without someone from that world who could harness the magic- that's the key, that's what they're looking for! Somehow, I have to stop this-ave to stop this-ave to stop this-ave to stop-" the video repeated, skipping several times before finally shutting off.
"Well, that wasn't weird at all," Dan remarked. He turned around and slapped Sharp Winter again. "I guess you can help me make some sense of it after your nap, sound good?"
"Grrrguh... errr..."
"Excellent. Let's go introduce you to the rest of the team," Dan said, wheeling Sharp out on the cart. And the moment he stepped into the next room, he began to slow to a stop. "Okay... this does not look right to me."
The room adjacent to the "warhead closet" was much larger, a laboratory of some kind. But everything had been cleared out; there were no chairs and only four tables occupying the middle of the room. The thing that disturbed Dan the most, however, was the fact that the words THEY LIED was scrawled on every available space. The floor, the ceiling, the walls, the tops and even the undersides of the tables all had the same words written on them. And they appeared to be written in blood.
Sharp started to wake up at just that moment. "Err, uhh..." And immediately noticed the decor. "Oh... woah."
"You didn't know about this?"
"I'm... pretty sure I'd remember blood-soaked walls," Sharp said. "Wait, this looks like Bandy's lab, why are we-"
"I don't think I need to ask about this place," Dan said, wheeling Sharp faster. "Let's just get out of here." He wheeled him out of the room, down the corner and didn't stop until he reached the elevator out of the base.
The moment the doors opened, Phoenix and the rest of Dan's crew from the attack were waiting for him. He pushed the cart out and was immediately greeted by his friends.
"Nicky!"
"Dan-o!" The two were so ecstatic to see each other, they bro-hugged.
"Uh-ah-AAAHHH!" And Dan let go of the cart holding Sharp Winter, causing it to keep going and crash into the side of the base's outer wall. *Cranggd!*
"Dan, we were so worried about you!"
"I know, Nicky, I know," Dan said, hugging the taller human. "Next time I do a vendetta op, you're coming with me."
"That sounds great, we'll do it together," Phoenix said, nodding while hugging him tight.
The Blast Sisters, witnessing this display of bromance, could not contain themselves. They began dancing around the two chanting: "Foursome! Foursome! We're gonna have a foursome~!"
"Foursome?" Dan asked, breaking the hug. "Meaning...?"
The two immediately paired up and stood side-by-side, innocently. "Golf. We'll have a... golf foursome."
"Yes, we play golf," Powdy said.
"With exploding balls."
"Hmm," Dan remarked. "I like that idea. Anyway, Nicky, we struck gold," he said, leading the other human to Sharp Winter. Gust Grasp was busy peeling him off the wall. "This is the leader of the Enclave. We're working our way up the chain!"
"Very nice. He should be able to tell us a lot about Vice Grip's operations," Phoenix said. "And we have news, too."
"Lemme have it."
"Well, we rescued the prisoners of the Enclave. We found the missing pegasi."
"That's great news!" Dan exclaimed. "Where are they?"
Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, uh, they're right around the corner here." And inside another hangar, Phoenix showed Dan the Enclave's prisoners.
"This can't be all of them," Dan said. "There's only like... twelve pegasi here!"
"Fourteen," Phoenix said. "It turns out, most of the pegasi were in the Enclave."
Dan looked into the hangar. He recognized most of them as pegasi who lived in Ponyville. A couple of the tower operators and one of the managers were there but no others.
"Where's the rest of the Enclave?"
"Other side." Phoenix led Dan to the other side where Derpy and Rogue Squadron were treating the injured.
"Wow..."
"Yeah..."
There were hundreds. Dozens of pegasi were in groups, none of them armored. They were all different colored, all had cutie marks and all were in different states of distress. Dan recognized a few: Thunderlane, Cloud Burst, Pure Path and her brother Right Way. There was Soothing Sound, Easy Beats, Rhythm Rider and Tune Up from the all-mare, all-pegasus rock band Wynd Chymez, which Dan had actually seen on t.v. during a PH1 "Behind the Band" special. Even Bulk Bicep aka Snowflake aka Roid Rage was there, after apparently having been taken down by Derpy Hooves.
"They're all the pegasi from Cloudsdale," Dan said.
"Yeah..." Phoenix said. "Pretty much all of them. All the ones involved in weather management. The Enclave WAS Cloudsdale and Sharp Winter was kind of the General Manager."
Dan suddenly found it very difficult to hate them. Underneath the armor, the anger and the arrogance, they were the same pegasi he'd seen flying in the skies, the same ponies he'd praised for actually delivering accurate forecasts. In a way, he had been fighting Cloudsdale itself.
He walked up to Thunderlane, who had a black eye. Dan had given him that black eye. "Oh... hey, Dan." He was lying on his back on a makeshift bed, being treated for three broken legs. Dan had given him at least two of those broken legs.
"TH."
"Sorry about... what happened," Thunderlane said, pained. "I just signed up for the pegasettes, bro. I had no idea we'd actually be... y'know, going to war."
"I guess you know now," Dan said, and walked away. He went over to where Flitter and Cloudchaser were sitting, each of them holding ice packs on each others' shoulders. "And what's your story?"
"I... I actually joined up for my sister."
"Did not! I joined up because you joined up!"
"That is SUCH a lie, Flitter! You know it was your idea to-"
Dan walked away, leaving the two to bicker and heal. He headed back over to Phoenix and the taller human patted him on the back. They both knew how hard this was. "So, what's your news?" the lawyer asked.
"You know that creepy pony I told you abducted me?"
"The Director, right?"
"Yeah," Dan rubbed the back of his own neck, mirroring the taller human's usual gesture. "Turns out, she's got Earth's nukes pointed back at us. So, when Vice tries to launch the Sword Spells at Earth, she's going to have Earth launch back."
"That is... terrible," the lawyer said. "Did you find Daring?"
"And did you happen to find our car?" Tuxley asked, as the t-rex carried more wounded to the makeshift triage center, Reginald in tow.
"That's a negative, Rex Racer. Don't worry; it's on my list," Dan said. He tapped his headset to signal Twilight. "Twilight? You there?" Only static answered him.
"We haven't been able to get a signal," Phoenix explained. "I was just about to send Gust back to check on things at the library."
The griffon saluted in response. "I'm here to help, brommander! I promise I won't steal anything!"
Dan smiled, a little less uncomfortable with the pirate than usual. "They'll be plenty of souvenirs in the base when we're done with it."
"Heheh, I think I'll like being in this outfit," the griffon said before taking flight.
Just as soon as he was out of distance, the ground beneath them begin to shake. It wasn't enough to shake the base but it definitely made balance a bit difficult for all of them for a few moments. The injured Enclave warriors held each other and onto anything they could to steady themselves.
"How long has... this been going on?" Dan asked, arms up and nearly flailing.
"Since about the time you left," Phoenix replied. "We kinda thought you were causing it. Kinda hoping you were causing it."
"Wish I was," Dan said. Unlike before, the ground did not stop shaking.
The ground continued to shake. The rumbles soon became one solid reverberating pulse, vibrating the individual grains of sand at their feet. It was almost too hard for any of them to stand.
"Dan!" Phoenix yelled, desperate to settle himself. "Which one of your plans do we use if the ground starts shaking?!"
"I never made a plan for if the ground starts shaking!"
"What?!"
"Don't worry, Nicky! I'll be sure to make one if we survive!"
It was then that Blast Fuse flew by, carrying her sister so they both were off the ground. "Dan, we have a problem."
"The bombs, the missiles, the weapons in the base?"
"Yeah, what about them?"
"They're all gone!!!" the twin sisters yelled simultaneously.
Something rose up from the walls of the base. Something rose up from AROUND the walls of the base. A second wall rose over and around the base, rising to tower above it. It casted them in its shadow as it continued to rise and for a brief moment, Dan and the others thought it might be a trap. In a way, it was. The ground finally stopped vibrating as the object rose above the base, casting the land below in its shadow.
"It's a..."
"Giant donut," Dan said.
"No," Phoenix shook his head and swallowed. "It's a gear."
Prototype Continuity of Governmental Systems Flying Fortress Cogsdale Made from a minimum of 20% recycled Cloudsdale and Flying Battery Zone
The massive gear-shaped structure began moving, propelled on its own by six giant jet engines on its back. Clearly, it was some kind of airship, one larger than anything ever built before. And it was heading towards Ponyville.
"Welp," Dan remarked," I can honestly say I wasn't expecting this."
"I know," Vice Grip said. He walked up seemingly out of nowhere and put his arm around Dan's shoulders. "It really is magnificent, isn't it?"
Dan looked at the gauntleted hoof wrapped around him and then over to his arch-nemesis. Vice simply looked over and grinned at him. "Surprise~"
"GAAAAH!!" Dan swiped at him, swinging with both his limbs. But he never landed a blow; his fists simply passed through Vice. The stallion distorted and blurred, like the picture on a t.v screen as Dan's hands passed through him.
Vice simply shook his head. "Tsk tsk tsk, how many times must we do this, Dan?" He technoported to the side and clasped his hands behind his back as if observing whether Dan's rage or exhaustion would consume him first. But neither did.
"Until I rip you in half!!" He yelled, snarling with rage. Dan swung at him like a wild animal. When Vice ported, Dan was quick to shift and swing again, even though he knew by now he couldn't hit him. He would do anything to land even a single punch.
But Vice had had enough. "Pitiful." As Dan lunged at him again, Vice's gauntlet suddenly became tangible and smacked Dan so hard he was knocked off his feet.
"Dan!" Phoenix yelled, running to his side. Dan was already getting up by the time he got over to him. "Dan, are you all right?"
"I'm fi-OW! I'm fine!" Dan said, holding his shoulder. "You got a lucky hit in, nothing more."
"Not luck. Science," Vice corrected. "But I'm honestly done trying to educate you deluded neanderthals about the finer points of our world. No, today, I just came here to show off," he said, delightedly. He spun around, raising his hands to the sky. "Allow me to introduce my latest and greatest creation: the Cogsdale! With this floating mechanical masterpiece, the future of Equestria is assured!"
"I don't know which is the bigger nut- you or the giant, floating nut you built!" Dan yelled.
Vice smiled maliciously. "I'm afraid you're mistaken, Dan- Equestria's the nut," he declared, getting out a remote control that actually was just a Nintendo Switch with a pair of rabbit-ears antenna attached to it. "And it's time to get to cracking!" He pressed two buttons on either side of the Switch.
The Cogsdale's inner ring began to glow, a spiral light that wrapped around the inside of the gear like a thread. It then began spinning rapidly, twisting until it became a solid light around the inside. It spun so rapidly, air around it began to get sucked into the center of the cog.
The ground shook beneath Dan and the others again. Dan looked down to see grains of sand roll away, like water running passed his shoes. "What the hell?! Is this thing Mega Maid?!"
Sand rose up in a stream towards the Cogsdale's center. It was sucked into the massive gear's center and then vanished. But it didn't just suck up the land; far beneath it, the ground became a dull, faded gray. The machine was draining the magic from the land. The Cogsdale was eating Equestria.
"If I can't get to Earth, I'll just make another Equestria from one of the other planets in this solar system!" Vice yelled. "It would've been possible with Cloudsdale but of course, your leaders were far too shortsighted to see the benefits of a mobile weather control and management platform. But thanks to my genius, the true potential of Cloudsdale is finally realized!"
"You call ripping off Spaceballs genius?" Phoenix asked. (Although, I do love Mel Brooks' movies, so he gets points for that idea.) "That's your plan, right? You're just vacuuming up Equestria to remake it somewhere else. That's not exactly original."
Dan grinned, holding his legs. "Nicky, right now, I love you."
"Heheh... gee, thanks, Dan."
"Don't touch the shoulder."
"Right, sorry."
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder watched the display, still busy making bombs from the Enclave's weapons. "You think Chrys is going to be jealous of Phoenix and Dan's bromance?"
Powdy looked up. "Eeeyup."
Fuse continued to watch them. "You think she'd want to make it a five-some?"
"Hahahahaha..." the other sister chuckled, then went back to making her bombs. "Well, we should get ready for when it goes off."
"You didn't answer my question..."
"Ah, but the Cogsdale does more than just suck up a little surf and turf, Dan!" Vice said, still smiling.
Dan raised his hand. "Don't tell me! It steam-cleans drapes, too, doesn't it?"
"No, hold on, Dan" Phoenix said, pointing at the aircraft. "I think this might just be the dust buster version."
"Discount Mega Maid," Dan said, shaking his head. "Vicey, you cheap little jackass. Don't tell me you still outsource to Flim and Flam, do you?"
Vice rubbed the back of his neck, his image blurring again briefly. "Well, when you combine the materials and shipping, Flim and Flam are actually- HEY!"
The two humans glanced at each other and then broke out laughing. Dan was on the ground, rolling on his back in tears while Phoenix clutched his knees.
The stallion in front of them was no longer finding this amusing. "Stop making fun of my doomsday machine!"
"Sure thing!" Phoenix said, "As soon as you build one that doesn't suck!"
The entire Enclave fell to the ground, laughing at Vice Grip, even the injured ones. Derpy, Rogue Squadron, Tuxley and even Reginald laughed at Vice Grip. Still tied to a stretcher, General Sharp Winter laughed at Vice Grip. "Hahahahah! WOAAH!" He laughed so hard, the cart fell over. The janitor from Austin Powers' flashbacks stopped sweeping the desert to point and laugh at Vice Grip. And finally, Nelson from The Simpsons stopped by to offer Vice Grip some kind words: "Ha-ha! Ha-ha!"
"Okay," Vice said, suddenly sounding passive-aggressively calm. "Now, just for that, Ima kill you all first." He hit both buttons on the Nintendo Switch and the Cogsdale began sucking in their direction.
3 weeks ago Badlands, Southern Equestria Restricted Area #7
Reed's goons were still behind her. Daring could hear them; thankfully, the one good thing about the mobsters was that they didn't know the meaning of the word subtle. In the middle of the cold, desert night, the dog mafia goons tailing her made no attempt to try and sneak up on her. Their search-and-destroy tactics made evading them easy, for the most part but when they were so close to her, it made it difficult to get away as well. They were searching frantically, scanning the area with flashlights and spot lamps from their vehicles. More than once, they even tossed road flares to illuminate the land scape and fired their machine guns at anything they saw that moved.
She had to stop and catch her breath. The only thing nearby to hide behind were the cactuses but it was no time to be choosy. Mimicking the shape of the cactus, she hid behind it just as the lights panned over it. When she was finally covered in the safety of the darkness again, she exhaled.
Flying wasn't an option, not with the way all the lamps kept scanning the sky. They were waiting for her to take the chance to make for the air so they could gun her down. And on the ground, they had her scent: being dogs, they were expert trackers. But wielding machine guns, body armor and belts of ammunition made them slow, especially in the desert. She could lose them if she was smart. Being stuck in this situation, however, made her question her own intelligence.
Reed "Big Rover" Roamer was Equestria's corpulent canine crime lord kingpin. Even Daring had to admit the criminal had a singular cunning; with crooks of all stripe being taken down, Reed Roamer remained on top, seemingly untouchable by any form of law enforcement. Nicknamed Big Rover because of his supposed "love of travel", Reed developed ways to corner the black market that put every other criminal gang out of business, mostly by being able to set up and close shop very quickly. When the heat was turned on, Reed Roamer was gone along with anything he was involved with. The only crooks left holding the bag were those who didn't answer to him.
Equestria did not have many criminals. Reed Roamer was pretty much the only one worth merit and rightly so; he'd been doing it the longest. In fact, Reed Roamer had been running crime for so long, most of his illegitimate businesses had become fully legitimate. After decades or dodging the cops and even Princess Celestia's royal guards, rumors were that Reed Roamer wanted out of crime. Whether it was true or not, most of Reed's businesses today were not involved in the trade or transport of the contraband that had made him so rich. Most thought of him today as the respected leader of Equestria's biggest labor union and a wealthy philanthropist. But Daring knew otherwise.
The only illegal business Reed Roamer was into today was the one that paid off the most, one that put him in direct conflict with the legendary Daring Do. Reed had expanded into stealing artifacts, robbing graves and tombs and museums for the treasures they hid. Priceless historical pieces of art like paintings and sculptures, sacred scrolls and carvings, things a pony couldn't buy on Amazon.com, to Reed, they were the last game he was interested in. Illegal goods, contraband, those things didn't last but if you find something that's "priceless" well, it's called that for a reason. Which is one of the reasons why Daring Do had ripped him off.
Daring Do had a secret: her flank was flat broke. Most of her books were free, published with money collected by commissions from museums. And she received those commissions from the donation of rare artifacts she found. Unfortunately, she hadn't found sh*t lately, which meant no commission from the museums and no money to go exploring. So, she figured she'd do the next-best thing and rob her old crime boss 'buddy' and hightail it back to Equestria. She'd outwitted Reed enough times to know how to lose track of him.
The lights passed over her again. Several of the hounds began to approach the cactus, sniffing. What Daring hadn't realized is that beating Reed to an artifact was one thing, stealing from his safe was another entirely. She clutched a small bag of jewels in her jacket pocket, enough maybe to finance another expedition, if she was lucky. If she made it out alive.
The dogs were closing in. It was now or never- she had to make a break for it or they'd find her. She knew what she had to do... and she knew the risk she was about to take. Would this be how her story ended? Is this quest the book A.K Yearling never writes? Questions like these entered her mind all the time; it was natural in her line of work. She always wondered if this trip would be her last, if the next move would be the last daredevil trick she pulled. But, for the first time since she was a filly, this time, the thought of failure actually scared her.
This time, if Daring Do didn't make it, she wouldn't be remembered as famed explorer/archaeologist Daring Do. She wouldn't be Daring Do, the adventurer, the inspiration to ponies everywhere to explore the world, to seek the answers, to find the truth. They'd remember her as Daring Do- thief and petty criminal who tried to steal from honest businessman, Reed Roamer. For a brief moment, her legs froze in place, back almost against the cactus, unable to move.
This could be it for her. She took off her pith helmet and held it in her hooves. Ever since her father, Dr. I.J Yearling, gave it to her, she'd worn it on every expedition she'd ever been on. It was as much a part of her as her own wings. What would her parents think when they heard about this? She looked past it, at the sky.
What would the world think of Daring Do? She thought of her parents, of her father, of her friends... and even her fans. What would they think of Daring Do? She realized she did not have an answer to that question. But in that instant, she did make a decision. She placed the helmet on her back.
She didn't know what they'd think of her. But they wouldn't find her shot dead behind a cactus. Jumping up, she plunged her legs into the pith helmet and pressed down as hard as she could on the prickly plant behind her. She pressed it until she felt the pinpricks of the needles in her hooves, until it hurt, until she couldn't bend it back any more. And then, she let go.
The cactus spring-launched her through the air, propelling her skyward. She immediately dove, doing her best to gain as much speed as possible. The white beam of the spot lam crossed her path, just barely catching her as she flew.
Then, came the shouting. Then the firing. The pounding, stinging slam of the bullets as they clipped her and then finally caught her. She saw the light cast her own silhouette on the clouds in front of her, punctured by the rippling machine gun fire far below her. In those few seconds though, she didn't feel any pain. She just remembered the surprise as they hit her, knocked the air out of her lungs and the strength out of her wings and limbs, and then the world turning on its side. After that, all she felt was the sensation of falling. The pouch, still clutched to her, was now slowly beginning to get soaked in her own blood.
Her helmet fell after her, following her all the way to the ground. It landed close to her, impacting softly. The helmet rolled just a bit, digging a groove into the cold sand until it came to a stop next to her. A small, crimson trickle, made silver in the light of Luna's sphere, quickly dripped out of her and hit the rim of her helmet and ran around it. With the last of her strength, Daring reached out, hoof shaking and vision fading, and grabbed her father's helmet. She put it on one last time and her head hit the sand. It would be the last thing Daring would do.
The lights scanning for her came across the edge of her body but no dogs investigated. The search was called off just before they found her; the dogs figured she had already escaped. They left her in the silence and cold of the desert night.
But, she was not left alone. In the pitch-black darkness, another pair of eyes crept out from the shadows to find her.
Light filtered down from above in pinpricks, thin rays that illuminated the grotto. It was these lights that were the first things Daring Do saw when her eyes opened, fuzzy vision adjusting to the darkness. Her legs felt like they were made of stone, the rest of her felt moist and her wings were stiff. It took her several moments before she finally realized she was being dragged... or carried. She tried to lift her head up to see who was pulling her but she didn't quite have the strength to do it.
She was lifted deeper into... wherever it was she was at the time. It felt like she was lying on some kind of cloud. Above her, she could see blue sky and clouds through the canopy of weaved foliage high above them. A few Joltiks and an Ariados skittered through it, drinking dew from the leaves. Finally, whoever was pulling her stopped. She thought she heard what sounded like water.
"Where... where am I?"
"Thrpp."
"What?" she strained herself. Summoning what little strength she had, she careened her neck up. A large creature of some kind, covered in darkness, was just in front of her. It was hunched over, shuffling over something. Daring Do didn't know what to make of it; it was unlike any creature she had ever seen before. It turned around to face her. It held her helmet by the brim in its teeth.
Her heart started pounding in her chest. Instinctively, she began to struggle, desperate to get away. "Stay... st-stay back."
"Thrrrkk," was the only noise it made. It came closer.
"Stay back!" Daring struggled. "Please... I..."
It walked right up to her and Daring covered her face. But the creature did not attack. Instead, it rested her hat on her stomach. When Daring opened her eyes, she saw it was full of water.
"Thrrkk."
She looked up at it, confused, and then down at the helmet again. She lifted it up and drank without another word. It was plain, clean water, the taste like heaven to her dry mouth. Without a word, the creature bit the helmet again, snatching it from her hooves and went back to refill it. It came back and gave the helmet to her again, filled to the brim, and gave it to her. She drank it without saying a word.
After she drank it all, the creature gasped and leapt upon her. It hugged her tightly, burying her in blue fluff. "Heh... you're pretty friendly, aren't you?" It sniffed all over her, as if examining her thoroughly with its nose. It then snorted, bit her hat, took it back to the stream and came back with it refilled. It had known she was still thirsty, somehow.
After a couple more refills, Daring donned the hat. She looked up at her captor, now her rescuer. "Thank you... who are you?"
The creature stepped into the light. At first glance, it looked like a stallion, or it at least had a stallion's muzzle. Its body was completely covered in blue hair... or fur. Or both. From its ears to its hooves, it was covered in some type of blue fluff. It looked back at her with large, emerald-green eyes. "Thrpp-thrpp Thrrbb."
The blue fluff ball stallion raised a hoof to his chin. He then got an idea and his head and legs disappeared into his fluff. Daring was bewildered as to how this was possible: it was like a turtle retreating into its shell, except with pone and fluff. His body was one, large ball of fluff, shaking like a bush with an animal in it. Finally, his head and legs poked back out again. And he was holding something. The fluffy pony walked over and hoofed it to her. It was a cell phone.
Daring looked at the phone, confused, until she looked back up and saw the larger pony holding another one and tapping into it. Her own phone then buzzed and came to life.
New Message Received: [Hai. My name is Fuzzle Puff. What's yours]
She began typing herself. [I'm Daring Do. Thank you for saving me]
[ur welcome :D]
[What is this place]
The fluffy pony was surprisingly adept at texting despite his fluff. [This is our home. I found you in the desert and brought you here. Your wounds were extensive but you should recover soon]
Daring looked down, examining herself, even checking the bag in her jacket pocket. She seemed fine, despite apparently being shot several times. Her wounds were healing, barely even appeared visible. It had to have been a miracle... or some kind of magic.
[How did you heal me?] she texted.
Fuzzle looked at her for a moment, then closed the phone. He then approached her carefully, lifted her onto his back and carried her deeper into the grotto. Periodically, there were holes in the ceiling where light, sometimes a strange aurora-like light filtered in. They began to see more water and Daring began to hear faint signs of splashing, like Fuzzle was wading through something. Aurora-colored water also poured from the ceiling, cascading down from the walls in brilliant luminescence. Eventually, she even saw crystals that were aurora-colored. It was clear there was some kind of magic at work down here.
Finally, Fuzzle set her down in a large chamber. Daring looked up to see that, unlike the other rooms, this one did not have holes in the ceiling... but was lit by something else. In the center of the room was a crystal column that stretched from floor to ceiling. All around it attached to the roof were crystal orbs of various sizes, like crystal balls.
The fluffy pony took her hat and dipped it into a pool of aurora-liquid at the base of the column. He came back to her and hoofed it to her to drink again. Daring was reluctant to drink this substance but took a sip. It smelled like cotton candy and citrus combined. Whatever it was, even after a single drop hit her tongue, it made her feel stronger. After downing her helmet's worth again, she found she could stand.
"Thrrrbbb thrpppth thrrrrp thbbrrbb thrmm-thmmmrrrr." This is the main chamber.
"Ah," Daring said, nodding, starting to understand. "Wait, I can... understand you, now?"
Fuzzle nodded. "Thrrrpth pbbbbrrrt phrbbbt thrrrbbble thrrrb thrrreeeb thrrb translation." This room's magic is powerful. It lets you read the translation.
"Oh... okay," she said. "Are there... are there any more? Like you, I mean?"
The fluffy pony seemed to consider his response, then looked up. He then fluff-trottedover to the wall and, to Daring's surprise, walked up on it. Fuzzle scaled the wall as easily as if he'd been walking on the ground. Very quickly, he was upside down, above Daring. She watched him as he examined the orbs and selected one out of a bunch. He then jumped down and landed right in front of her... and presented her the crystal orb.
Daring held the small ball in her hooves for a moment, looking at it. It was a complete crystal sphere, barely the size of a marble. It seemed to pulse with an inner light as she watched it. Fuzzle watched it, too with large, expectant eyes. He rubbed it with his hoof and nudged her to continue. It felt warm.
She rubbed the small orb and it began to glow brighter. He nodded at her to continue so she rubbed it, rubbing the small sphere in both of her hooves as fast as she could. It began to glow a bright, constant light, almost too bright to look at and then... it shattered. A small crack broke along its side, fracturing and splintering. It didn't open- it continued breaking, new cracks, tiny fractures and bits forming but not a single shard broke. They only divided, exponentially in her hand. The light became a solid, purple color.
The orb then shook in her hooves and the tiny, fractured shards began to split apart and flow around it. It wobbled from side to side and then pulsed in her hooves... almost like it was breathing. She watched it, fascinated, unable to look away. The sphere had gone from a completely round sphere to a lopsided blob of some sort, the shards becoming thousands of tiny hairs. The ball moved in her hoof and she faintly heard a squeaking sound come from it. Part of it shifted... and a tiny, smaller orb appeared in the center. And then another beside it. A protrusion poked out at her in between the two and nudged her hoof. Both orbs looked up into her eyes.
*tiny gasp*
"It's a... baby?" Daring asked. Fuzzle nodded. The newborn fluffy filly smiled a tiny smile at her and crawled around her hoof. It sniffed at her, explored her fetlock and licked her. Its tiny legs were completely covered in purple fluff, almost making it look like a fluffy larva, only faster. It curled into a ball and snuggled her hoof, smiling contently.
Fuzzle took her by the hoof, also holding the baby in his own. He lead her as they both carried the tiny fluff-filly to a large crystal. Fuzzle waved his hoof over the top of an aurora crystal, causing it to disappear and reveal dozens of other fluffy ponies, various sizes and colors underneath, sleeping. A few of them looked up and gasped. It was a nest. He nestled the newborn amongst the others and waved his hoof over it again, replacing the light camouflage.
"Thrrrp thrrrrb thrrrppth phrrrrrb pbbbttt prrrrb-prrrrb-prrrrb." This is all that's left of us, our kingdom. They need love to grow, lots of it. My wife is out gathering more and she comes back here periodically to check in while I watch over things. When they are grown, they migrate to new dimensions to continue the cycle. Hopefully, one day, we can reach Convergence.
And so Fuzzle told her. He educated her on everything, told her of his kingdom and what was left of it. Over a couple days, as she regained her strength, he taught her of their language and customs, they played Sega Genesis and Gamecube and watched Cowboy Bebop on Crunchyroll. Finally, she was strong enough to leave, and he lead her to the entrance, back to the desert.
"Thank you again for everything," she said, the rising sun bathing her in orange light.
Fuzzle smiled, gasped and hugged her again. "Thrrrrth thppprrrpp thrrrr-thrrr." "You're welcome. Please, keep this place a secret."
She nodded. "I will." Such a delicate place couldn't be left unguarded. She knew that; the treasures in there were more valuable than any artifact she had ever come across. Endangering such a sacred place as this, as a heroic pegasus, it was the last thing she would do. She knew that the moment that place was found, it would most likely be exploited some way. Daring waved to Fuzzle and took to the skies, leaving the grotto behind her. Using her compass, she banked north to Equestria.
Daring flew a high, straight course for the Equestrian border. She'd be safe from Reed's goons in Ponyville; quiet, suburban places like that were easy to hide in. Any mobsters would stick out like sore thumbs. But even there, she might not entirely be safe. She still felt the artifact she'd stolen from Reed in her jacket pocket. It still had her blood on it.
Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out the phone Fuzzle had given her and used it to call a friend.
"Crystal Museum of Extradimensional Interests, how may I help you?"
"Hey Reggie, it's Daring. Can you do me a favor?"
"Of course, Miss Daring, what do you need?"
She swallowed but kept her eyes focused ahead of her. "Can you and Tux bring the car to these coordinates I'm about to text you?"
"Uh, certainly, we were about to head out for Ponyville. What do you need us for?"
"I've made a discovery and I'm going to need you to catalogue samples, lots of samples," she said, and gave Reginald the details. Daring Do was many things, not all of them were honorable. She was a scientist and she knew that at some point, somepony was going to discover the grotto, the last of the Flufflapon Kingdom. It might as well be her, somepony who would at least be discrete. So, she had multiple reasons for betraying Fuzzle Puff and his family.
She felt the pain of her injuries, healed but still aching a little. A reminder of what she was about to do. It didn't make her feel any better... but Daring Do and A.K Yearling were both many things. Most of those things required continued success, progress and cold, hard cash. She was not always the hero in the books, even though she aspired to be. Like everypony else, she had bills to pay. Passing up an opportunity like that, when it could mean so much money, was the last thing Daring would do.
The massive Cogsdale closed in on them, its cog-shaped shadow already covering the base again. Dan and Phoenix looked up at it, the sheer size of the machine enough to easily dwarf any airship they'd ever seen before. Lightning crackled around its exterior and the vacuum in the center started up again.
"So... I'm sure you have some idea of how to beat that thing, right?" Phoenix asked. He glanced over at Dan; the other human's eyes were still fixated on the approaching flying fortress. "Right? Dan?"
"I'm working on it."
"Please don't tell me you're going to try to moon that thing."
"Nicky!" Dan looked over at him. "You should know I'd never do anything like that!"
"Yeah, I was just checking."
"Honestly, Nicky," Dan shook his head. "Repeating the same diversionary tactic so early and with the SAME diversion. You know I'd never make a strategic error like that!"
"Oh, sure... of course," Phoenix said, nodding. (Pulling your pants down is a tactic? I wonder if that would work in court against Gaspon or Edgeworth...)
"OBJECTION!! The witness's statement is clearly faulty, Your Honor!"
The Judge blinked, surprised. "It is? Where exactly is it faulty?"
*zzzzip!* "Right here!"
The courtroom was stunned into silence. Miles Edgeworth, across from Phoenix at the prosecutor's bench as usual, had frozen. An expression of abject horror spread over his face. At the Judge's stand, the Judge's jaw was frozen open. They all looked at Phoenix, greening sheepishly as he bent over and presented his "decisive evidence."
"OBJECTION!!" Godot yelled, suddenly appearing at the witness stand.
The Judge was still frozen, unblinking and made no indication he heard Godot's objection.
"Um... what?" Phoenix asked, still mooning the court.
"The prosecution submits this evidence to the courtroom!" Godot declared, grinning as he unbuckled his pants. "BEHOLD! EXHIBIT A!!"
"NOOOOO!!!!" *Phoenix's Psyche-Guage explodes along with the entire courtroom*
"No!" Phoenix yelled, suddenly panting. Dan, Vice Grip and the Blasties were all staring at him.
"No what?" Dan asked. "You okay, Nicky?"
"I'm... I'm fine," Phoenix said, swallowing. "Just... just had a thought about a courtroom tactic. That I will never try."
"Heh," Dan chuckled. "Never say never, Nicky."
"Right." (NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER *mentally inhales* NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER! NEVER!)
"Neither of you will have to worry about that ever again!" Vice declared with a malevolent glee. "I'm going to reduce you both to atomic particles and use you to build a new Equestria! Say goodbye, bipeds!"
"Oh boy..." Phoenix remarked. "Alright, what's the plan, Dan?"
"Oh mai gawd," Vice said, listening to the two of them. "It's like I'm fighting an angry Alfred E. Neuman and Japanese Tom Cruise from a A Few Good Men!"
"That's Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee," Phoenix said.
"What?"
"Lt. Daniel Kaffee, that's the characters name."
"Oh. And of course, you'd know that," Vice remarked.
Dan looked confused. "Who the hell's Alfred E. Neuman?"
"Dan!" Phoenix yelled. "Plan! Now!"
Dan shrugged. "Eh, we don't need a plan."
"WHAT?!" the lawyer shrieked. "Aren't you worried that thing'll destroy us?"
The smaller human grinned. "What, me worry?"
"Yeah..." Blast Fuse hovered up beside him along with her sister. The cute ponies took positions at his sides. "Dan, we're all for explosions but..."
"Not ones we're in the blast radius of."
"Ooooh! Reminder, we need to check on the primers on the Enclave's explosives for Blast Radius."
Blast Powder shook her head. "Noooo, we need to check on the radius of the Enclave's explosives for Blast Primer."
"We don't have a relative named Blast Primer," Fuse corrected. "We have a cousin named Blast Timer and then Blast Charge's brother is Blastimus Prime."
"Blastimus Prime?" Powdy said, skeptical. "You just made that up right now. You JUST made that up RIGHT now."
"Okay, well why don't you call Blastimus and ASK HIM IF I MADE HIM UP?!"
"SHUT UP!!" Vice Grip jammed his fingers into the buttons, pressing them rapidly and pointing his remote at the group. "I CAN'T STAND IT! YOU IDIOTS AREN'T DYING FAST ENOUGH! I HAVE TO MAKE THIS THING KILL YOU FASTER!" The Cogsdale's shadow passed over Vice Grip, edging perilously close to the humans and ponies.
"DAN!!" Phoenix shrieked. "DO SOMETHING!!" (I'm tightening my pants!)
Dan put his arm around Phoenix and patted him on the back. "Nicky, Nicky, Nicky. We don't need to do anything, pal."
"WHY... not?"
"We got it all under control," Dan said, putting his hand up to his hooves-free device. "Daring, you in position?"
"Ready when you are, captain!"
"Heheh, good. Let 'em have it," Dan said, smiling.
"What are you talking about?" Vice asked.
"Dan?" Phoenix asked. "Was that... Daring Do on the phone with you? What was this about?"
"Like I said, Nicky- diversionary tactics."
Phoenix was about to ask what he meant by that... when the explosion answered for him. High above them, just as the vacuum was about to start again, Cogsdale exploded. Blossoms of fire erupted along the back of the vehicle around the engines, breaking metal panels off into melted shrapnel. The flying fortress's bow dipped as more explosions ripped out from the inner ring, tearing through the gear-shaped vessel. The entire ship began to split in half from back to front, finally breaking into two huge chunks that exploded in a ball of purple-orange flames. And not a single cinder even hit the ground.
Vice stared up, slack-jawed at his creation burning like a halo directly over his head. Part of it came down and ripped into the mesa behind Halberd Base, which oddly enough resembled a giant cornucopia full of assorted fruits that had been sculpted by a dismayed artist unable to escape his fate as a popular cartoonist. Yeah, the one from Rocko's Modern Life. But, from behind it. What the hell is it even called- a Still Life or something? What is that even? Google is being no help at all on this one... I'm beginning to wonder if even I get this reference. Still Life... that's a thing. World's largest Still Life. That is what we are going for. I guess. Anyway...
"You... you maniacs!" Vice yelled. He fell to his knees, staring up at the sky. "You blew it up! You blew it up and now I'm Charlton Heston for some reason! Damn you... damn you all to hell!" he said, pounding his metal fist into the sand.
"Hahaha!" Dan laughed, standing over the defeated scientist. "Cool Stories, Vice City bro but there's one problem with all your little sneak attacks."
"Oh yeah? What's that?"
Dan pointed upward. Vice looked up to see the remains of his ship crumbling down. A silvery object, a flying DeLorean sped out of the wreckage just as it completely incinerated.
"A real sucker punch is one you don't see coming. You wait till they're looking one direction and then you hit from the other. But you just keep coming at me from the same direction. You can call me predictable but really, you're just as-"
"Wait wait wait wait," Vice held up his hands. "I know what's happening. You're making me look up at all the burning wreckage and you're gonna punch me in the face while I'm distracted, right?"
"No, actually," Dan said, patting him on the shoulder. "But Phoenix is right behind you and he has your remote."
"What?"
"G'night, sucker." Vice had just enough time to turn around before Phoenix clocked him with his own remote. While his holographic projector technology prevented him from being touched by others when he didn't want to, he had configured it so he could still use the remote while intangible. This meant that the remote had to interface with him, which meant it could interface with his face. And Dan and Phoenix had known that since he pulled it out.
Vice hit the sand like a ton of bricks. "I got him!" Phoenix said.
Dan was not above kicking someone he hated while they were down. As evidenced when he jumped on Vice Grip's unconscious form and literally began to kick him while he was down.
"You. Don't. *squee* With. MY. FRIENDS!" Dan said, punctuating each word with a punch to Vice's face.
Even Phoenix joined in, continuing to smack the stallion with the remote. "You're a selfish, evil, condemning prick! You don't have the right to judge us... or anyone else!" the lawyer declared between smacks.
Finally, the two exhausted themselves. On their knees with their adversary between them, they rested, panting, gathering their strength. Then, they looked up at each other.
"Are we... are we best friends now?" Phoenix asked.
Dan looked down at Vice, beaten to a pulp, then looked around, as if the answer was all around them. In a way, it was. "Yeah..." he nodded. "Yeah, I think we are."
Earth San Garry's Mod International Airport At that exact same moment
Chris and Elise were busy dealing with the airport's concierge when suddenly, a pang hit Chris.
"Chris? What's wrong?"
"I... I don't know," Chris said. He suddenly felt weak and grabbed his head. "I... I feel strange. Weaker. It's... it's like I'm being replaced."
Elise had no idea what he was talking about. She wouldn't have time ask him about it, however, because just as she was about to, the scene did one of those security camera zoom-out transitions. It cut to the inside of the airport's security room where Larry Butz and his supervisor, one Wendy Oldbag were eating lunch.
Larry was halfway through a footlong sub when he, too, felt a pang of something. He stopped mid-bite, looked up and swallowed.
"Something wrong, trainee?"
"*BRAAAAAHHHHUURRRP!*" He wiped his mouth on his sleeve and took another bite. "Nah, I'm good. Can you pass the mustard, chief?"
Larry's belch had temporarily incapacitated the veteran security guard. Wendy, her silver-gray hair blasted back and her eyes and mouth wide open, slowly slid off her chair and onto the floor. Larry calmly got up from his seat, retrieved the mustard and sat back down to eat the rest of his sandwich.
"Wow... we're best friends," Phoenix remarked. (I'm sure Maya will get a kick out of Dan... whenever she gets here.) "What do we do now?"
Dan rubbed the back of his neck, not unlike Phoenix. "Do you want to get something to eat? See a show or something?"
"Yeah... yeah, we could do that. Well, I mean, after we finish up here."
"Oh yeah, of course."
"Holy crap," Blast Fuse said, taking a picture with her phone. "This is gayer than Sam and Flash Sentry's wedding."
"I knowwwwww," her sister said, snapping photos beside her. "These guys are so shipped."
"Does Dustin still ship us together?"
"Dunno. I'll text him," Powdy said, typing a message to her creator. "Ah, crap. No reception."
"Yeah, evil military base doesn't get good coverage. Figures."
"Okay," Dan said, "so, after this, we get some sandwiches with Chrys and Twilight. Maybe go see a movie, go bowling, something light after coming home from war."
Phoenix nodded. "That sounds good, actually."
"Indeed it does," Vice said. Both Dan and Phoenix looked down at the still unconscious form of the villain. He laid pummeled and bruised before them. "Unfortunately, I don't think either of you will be coming home from this 'war'."
Another Vice Grip approached them from the side. He looked identical to the one still lying in front of them, so much so both humans had to do several double alternating double takes to make sure their eyes weren't deceiving them before glancing at each other.
Vice smiled at the confused bipeds. "Did you honestly think you were going to win this one? You should know by now I always-"
"AAAARRRRRAAA!!" Both Dan and Phoenix yelled and ran at the second Vice, holding the first between the two of them. Using the first Vice Grip like a battering ram, they rammed into the second Vice Grip, knocking him down to the ground and then beating the crap out of him.
"Go for his arms!"
"I got his arms, you go for his eyes!"
"Okay!"
The two humans beat the new scientist until they were exhausted, then laid both the bodies up next to each other.
"What the hell was that?" Phoenix asked.
"I dunno, Nicky... *squee*ing *squee* there's two of him now."
"Um, guys?" Blast Fuse said. "We got a problem."
Dan and Phoenix both looked up. In front of the base was an army of Vice Grips. All of them looked exactly alike- same metal gloves, metal boots, white lab coat and menacing expression of eager, satisfied, glee. They all smiled at him.
"Okay..." Dan panted. "Plan E now. We go with Plan E now."
"Which... which one was Plan E?"
He pointed wearily at the mob. "You take the half on the right... I'll get the half on the left."
Phoenix did not make a comment about how hopeless their odds were. Somehow, the lawyer had changed a bit and now, even in the face of impossible odds, with his best friend at his side, he was ready to fight. He grabbed one of the unconscious Vice Grips and prepared to use him as a weapon. Dan did the same. "He... they... don't stand a chance."
"Couldn't have said it better myself... *pant* Nicky. Friggin Agent Smith clones."
"Not gonna lie, I'm... more used to just fighting one guy at a time," Phoenix admitted. "Usually with help."
"Did you actually fight that Whesker guy and Doctor Doom?"
The lawyer nodded. "Yes, but again, I usually had help. From Maya or Will. And those guys weren't really that threatening."
Dan looked over at him. "How the heck are those guys not threatening?"
Phoenix shrugged. "Well, for one, neither of them were smart enough to get the drop on me twice. I mean, yeah, they're evil but they weren't geniuses. Even Galactus was just one guy and there was always a way to stop him, Albert and Vic so it was like there wasn't as much danger. Also, they usually didn't try to kill me, at least, not as much as Cap or Chris."
"Heh, yeah, I can actually understand that," Dan said. "When I fought Superman it was like he didn't take me as seriously when Lex Luthor was around.
"Wait a minute, you fought Superman?"
Dan nodded. "It was actually a misunderstanding and kryptonite was involved but it wasn't as bad as fighting the Master Chief."
Phoenix slowly turned to him. "B-by Master Chief, do you mean-"
"What?" They looked over to the Blasties to see them, Rogue Squadron, Derpy and Tuxley and Reginald all being held at gunpoint by the Vice clones. "Oh balls."
One of the Vice Grips stepped forward. "The Enclave pegasi proved to be quite willing test subjects."
"They were all so excited to test out the latest of their Fallout: Equestria gizmos when I told them I could make them real," another Vice said.
"Heheh," a third chuckled. "I did warn them that the O.A.T.E.S and CLIPBucks they were using were prototypes."
"And that there might be some... programming errors that I needed to manually take care of from time to time."
"What did you do?" Phoenix asked. "You... you turned all the Enclave ponies into clones of yourself?"
"Not exactly."
"You see, I applied that traitor Lightning Claw's remote technology to my own."
"And with a little arcane manipulation..."
"...and changeling DNA..."
"...I was able to create remote control pegasi."
"Can you please," Powdy pleaded, a pistol pressed into her cheek, "Can just one of you talk at a time?"
They all turned to her and said in unison, "Nope!"
"Walked right into that one, sis."
"What you see here, however," the lead Vice announced, "is a little holographic broadcast from each of the Enclave pegasi's O.A.T.E.S implants emitted over their bodies and the changeling ability to reproduce clothing magically."
"Wait," Dan held up his hand. "I thought you hated magic."
"Oh, I do," Vice assured him. "But I've found a more stable way to control it. To harness it. And now," he raised a pistol at Dan, "I'm going to harness you. Since you destroyed my Cogsdale, I have a reason to keep you alive again."
"Though not for very long."
"Come now, my little humans, come with me quietly."
"Or I'll start executing your friends," the Vice over by the Blasties said.
Both humans stood, each holding an unconscious doppleganger of the assembled army of douchery surrounding them. They saw their friends, helpless in the clutches of their foe... or foes. It was hard to tell any more. They looked at each other, tired, beaten and running out of options. Out of energy and out of time.
"Nicky..."
"Yeah, Dan?"
"I think it might be... it might time for plan..."
"Which plan?" Phoenix asked.
Dan looked up. Just past Phoenix's shoulder, something caught his eye... and his expression lit up like the fourth of July. "B! Plan B!"
"Plan B?" Phoenix asked, spinning around.
"B! For backup!!" Dan exclaimed.
Flying towards them was an airship, clearly one of the ones from Gust's fleet. Even though the griffon airships were all unique and most of them ramshackle, jury-rigged hulks, they were still easily identifiable by their classic sailing ship construction. Even the Vice Grips turned to squint and scowl at the approaching airships. Their hostages, still restrained, were happy that at least the possibility of rescue still existed. The scientist's frustration was a welcome sight to see.
"Way to go, chicken fingers!" Dan shouted.
Phoenix's eyes went wide. "Uh, Dan? I'm not sure that's backup."
"What? Why not?"
"Look what it's carrying."
Suspended from the approaching sky galleon were a series of tethers and cables wrapped around the base of the ship. And from those tethers hung something almost as big as the ship itself. As it came into view, Dan realized what it was and he, too, went wide-eyed at it.
The Plasma Frigate approached Halberd Base and disengaged its winch. The Magic Gear it was holding dropped like a stone into the outskirts of the base.
The first Vice Grip turned back to them, an action that was mirrored by the rest of his clones. "As you said. Plan B."
The Magic Gear tromped towards them. Its huge, heavy hooves left hoof prints like craters in the sand. A pair of landmines detonated and even a Bouncing Betty, the spring-launched antipersonnel mine variant was triggered by the Gear and exploded. They didn't even make a dent in its armor, didn't slow it down as it marched towards Dan, Phoenix, the Vice Grips and the others. True to its name, the machine advanced relentlessly.
"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF *squee* ON A *squee*ING *squee* SUNDAE WITH *squee*ING *squee* SAUCE ON THE *squee*ING SIDE ALL UNDER A *squeee* WITH A *squee* AND TWO *squee*S NEXT TO A *squee*ING PENGUIN IN *squee*ING CARGO SHORTS!!"
"Dan, you might want to call down- you're gonna wear out the squeensor," Phoenix cautioned. (Wow... he just out-swore Vegeta.)
"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A-" Dan raised his voice, then stopped himself. "Fine. But seriously... look at what we're up against."
"Yeah," Phoenix said, watching as the Magic Gear strode towards them. "We're in deep squee."
Vice laughed. "Hahahaha! Eloquently put, Mr. Wright. And if there's no further objections-"
"OBJECTION!"
The Magic Gear stopped. Even the Vice-mob was stunned briefly by the outburst. Both the clones and the machine all stared at the lawyer pointing at them in a stance of confrontational advocacy.
Except Dan. "PFFF-ah-hahaha! Now that's what I call denying a motion!"
"Yayyy!" the Blasties cheered from their captive positions.
"I guess you could say he stopped 'em-"
"WRIGHT in their tracks!!"
Silence. A tumbleweed rolled by, triggered another landmine and was blown to smithereens.
"Ha," Dan said. "I get it, it's because that joke... totally... bombed, wow that was bad even for us."
"I thought it was funny!" Derpy yelled.
The Vice Grips pinched their foreheads. "Okay. New plan: I'm going to kill you-"
"That's not new."
"Shut UP. I'm going to kill you both-"
"Not much of a plan, either," Phoenix added.
"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH WITH MY MAGIC GEAR AND RECORD IT!" Vice yelled, angrily. "If I need a human for something, I'll grab that judge you like so much in the Crystal Empire!"
"No!" Powdy yelled. "Not judge Judgey!"
"I'll think of something painful and scientifically productive to do with the rest of you idiots later," the scientist said. "For now, come to daddy, Magic Gear! Come and destroy all of my enemies!"
The sand rumbled with every step the machine made. Its glowing eyes were narrowed in an expression of hostile determination. The machine smashed through the remains of the fence surrounding the base, approaching Dan and the others until it was finally standing right in front of them. Dan and Phoenix turned to face it, caught between an army and the filly mecha-goliath.
"Nicky?"
"Dan?"
"You got any ideas?" Dan asked, glancing over.
"I was about to ask you that." The stood next to each other, the shadow of the titan eclipsing them both, blocking out the sun behind. Phoenix felt the oddest thing- Dan's fingers reaching for his. They said nothing, did not look at each other but simply stood there, together. United no matter what.
The Magic Gear looked at them both. She could easily destroy them with a swipe of one of her hooves, a blast from one or more of her cannons, a salvo of missiles, flurry of rockets or any number of weapons she had at her disposal. Her eyes analyzed their every detail, categorized them and compiled data at lightning speeds, cross-referenced it with other scenarios and a multitude of variables, finally cascading into a list of options which were graded on a scale to select the most optimum one. She knew their strengths and weaknesses in an instant, predicted their responses in a flash and simultaneously calculated the actions that would allow her to achieve victory over them.
"Kill the American first," Vice ordered. "Then the Jap."
She looked at Vice. Then back to them. And she decided what to do.
"Self-defense mode engaged." The Gear's legs braced as it prepared for action.
"You wanted Equestria to be your world so much, seems only fitting you should die defending it. Farewell, Dan, my noble adversary... Equestria will miss your pathetic defiance."
The Gear raised its hoof. "Leg drive motor... EMP pulse at maximum!"
"What?!"
The humans looked up. The Gear's horn glowed red. Swirling bits of light rose up from the horn and dissipated as the glow intensified.
"What's it doing?" Phoenix asked. "Is this some kind of weapon?"
"I don't really have a manual for these things, Nicky, so your guess is as good as mine," Dan said.
"Stop!" the Vices ordered. "Override code four-dash-*kssht*-ex-si*kzzt*-eight-*kzz-zhhh-zhht!*"
Phoenix turned around. "Hey, the Vice Grips!"
"What?"
"Dan, the Vice Grips, something's going on with them!"
The Vice clones were all distorting. Errors, freezing and static blared across the pony's images revealing the Enclave ponies underneath. They switched between different expressions and errors, like the blurring of a picture on a screen. The Vice Grips lagged and flickered, releasing their captives.
"I think he needs to hit the antenna box," Dan said. "That usually works for me."
"No," Phoenix said, spinning around. "It's the Magic Gear! It's doing something to them!"
The first Vice Grip walked towards Dan, flickering between himself and an entranced General Sharp Winter, walking upright at them. "You *kzzt* think this *zrrt* changes anything? The only revolution *ksss-zzzt* here is... hers." The Vice Grips faded. In their place, there were the Enclave pegasi, all standing upright, still frozen in the positions Vice Grip had them in as puppets. But the gloves, the lab coats, the boots and guns, every trace of the mad scientist himself... were gone. They all slumped to the ground, unconscious.
Blast Fuse picked one up. "I think these guys are done."
"Oh, hey Hex Ray!" Derpy said, suddenly surprised at the pony who had only moments ago held her at gunpoint. "I have a letter for you!" she popped open the unconscious mare's mouth and slid the letter in. "There ya go! I... guess you can read it when you wake up."
Dan spun around to the Magic Gear again. "You... you did this. Why?"
"Your mission is to defend Equestria!" the Gear said, a recording of Dan's own voice.
Suddenly, Dan understood. "It's you... Knight."
And the Magic Gear nodded. "Unit designate Knight is fully-operational and awaiting orders. Mission: to defend Equestria. Unit designate Dan equals similar mission. Unit cooperation projected to increase success potential by eighty-one-point-three-one percent. New Directive: be friends, destroy enemies. Proceed?" she asked.
"Uh... what?"
"She's asking if you want to team up," a voice said. Striding over to them was another bipedal figure in a lab coat but this one wasn't a pony. It was Colress. And he wasn't alone.
"She's still a machine and the hardware needs a yes or no answer, even if she can think for herself," Daring Do said, walking with him.
"Ah..." Dan said, nodding. "So I get my own Magic Gear finally? Cool," he grinned. "Yes, Knight, proceed and begin rebuilding my new base!"
The Magic Gear grinned back. "Engaging hide-and-seek mode." She then immediately jumped up, over the wall and behind the base.
"HEY! That's not what I ordered!!"
Phoenix walked over and patted Dan on the shoulder. "You just adopted a nuclear-powered, giant metal filly. She wants to play with you first."
Dan looked up at him. "I changed my mind. I wanna blow it up again."
"Found you!!" the Blasties yelled simultaneously on the other side of the base.
"Self-defense mode engaged." Several explosions rocked the side of the base, rumbling through the ground.
"Haha, sounds like those three are already having fun," Tuxley said, joining the group. "Miss Daring! And Mr. Colress, too! How good to see you both!"
The scientist bowed, the archaeologist gave them both a nod. "Hey Tux, hey Reggie. You guys holding up alright?"
"Ah, but of course, Miss Daring. Nothing like a good bit of scrape before four to get the adrenaline pumping, I always say!"
"Heh, I'll bet," she said, removing her helmet. "I'm sorry I couldn't let you guys in on the secret, though."
Tux and Reggie exchanged a glance. "Secret? So, you really hadn't betrayed Dan the whole time?"
Dan pulled out the book he'd had Daring sign just last night. "She told me not to read what she'd wrote until AFTER we kicked the Enclave's asses but I actually remembered that was the same thing that Mystic Mystique told her to do in Daring Do and the Mystery of Myriad Maze Marvels!" he explained.
Reggie gasped. "Of course! That was the one where-"
"Shhhh! Hey!" Phoenix stopped him. "I still haven't read that one. No spoilers."
"Oh. Apologies," the crystal pony said. "But anyway, you knew what to do because you read it in her book?"
Dan nodded, smiling. "Eeeyep. It turns out, she knew the Enclave was aware about the attack already and we had to hit them faster than we were planning. So, she pretended to defect to them with our explosives the Blast Sisters made so she could sneak onboard the Cogsdale and blow it up while we kept all the Enclavers busy."
"Wait," Phoenix stopped them. "So you guys were working together the whole time?"
Both Dan and Daring nodded. "Yep again. Sorry we couldn't let you in on the secret, Nicky but the house was bugged. And of course, in the event the house is bugged-"
"Plan D- we act like the house isn't under surveillance and immediately proceed with direct action," Phoenix finished. "Wow... that's... some kind of genius. It all fits together."
"Yeah, something like that," Dan said, slapping the other human on the back. "Of course, there's always the alternative that we made the whole thing up off the top of our heads but hey, what are the odds of that?"
"..." (Urge to object is rising.)
Dan and Daring, shoulder to shoulder, walked over to the Enclave ponies which were now being tended to by the Rogues, Derpy and the others. "Only thing left to do is... decide what to do with the Enclave." She looked up at Dan. It was clear that whatever choice there was to be made, it was his.
"You could give them to me," Colress said, stepping up to them. "And the griffons, too, if you wish. I could ensure you they won't trouble you in Equestria ever again. Or you could possibly try to integrate all of them, bolster Equestria's air forces. The choice is yours." The scientist held a pen and clipboard, ready to write.
"What? Is this some kind of absolute-permanent-moral-decision thingy?" Dan asked.
"Every moral decision is permanent," Colress responded. "Once an action is made, it can't be undone."
"He means "yes." Phoenix said. "It's okay- I speak cryptic scientist bullshit. It's almost like dubious prosecutor bullshit only with more science."
"Are you allowed to say that?" Daring asked.
"We kinda wore out the squeensor at the beginning of the chapter."
"Oh."
"Hmmm..." Dan rubbed his chin. "I think I know exactly what we'll do with them. We're gonna need paint."
And so, the long process of rebuilding Halberd Base began. Along with Knight and the other ponies, now working together, they rebuilt the fortress along Dan's specifications. At the behest of Twilight, Dan did not dismantle their fandom; the only thing Dan changed about the Enclave was their logo. Using the giant letter E in the center, he added the letters J, R and K to every emblem, flag and label of the Enclave in the base. He did the same to their armor, after fixing it, and soon the Jerklave was up and running.
As they did this, a pony in a dark cloak watched them, though none of them noticed.
The Director: It's true that every war is a civil war. The enemy you're fighting, they could be your brother, your sister, your family and they always are in some way. You always fight a potential ally, sometimes yourself. We're divided by much and united by little. As our desires keep us moving forward, our fears and doubts keep us looking over our shoulders. When we look to each other, sometimes, we can see friend or foe. But we never see both at the same time.
Twilight: We all have things that we want. Everypony has their own goals, their own desires and their own dreams that they work towards every day, and each one is different. Some of us have bigger goals than others and it's true that we may not reach them all. Sometimes, we fail. And when we do, it's rarely something we can cope with easily.
Chrys: It's easy to blame others for the mistakes we, ourselves make. When things don't go the way we want them to, we tend to blame everything else first and take some small responsibility, if any, when everything's ended. But it doesn't change the fact that we didn't get what we want. That what we tried so hard to do just didn't work out as we had planned. Responsibility is different for every situation, every circumstance and those involved in them. That's something that tends to be forgotten, especially in the heat of the moment and in the aftermath.
The Director: There are many who seek to shift blame for their actions. Those who try to cover up the past, shirk from their duty, or pin the blame on others. It's almost the same as framing someone else for a crime, allowing someone else to face the consequences of your own actions. In a way, blaming someone else is the ultimate betrayal- you betray yourself, the other person, everyone around you and history itself for lying to it. There's no greater form of corruption or cowardice.
~Headlines~ Dan Defeats Enclave! Equestria Reclaims The Skies! Enclave Apology: Dan forgives Pegasi, Welcomed back to Ponyville Enclave Forces to Rebuild Cloudsdale General Manager Sharp Winter Commits Enclave to Defend Equestrian Air Space Manehattan Disappears After Assault by Zebras
Twilight: We all make mistakes, we all disagree... these things just happen. How we deal with other peoples' mistakes is just as important as how we deal with our own.
"Well... I guess you did alright, nuggets," Dan said.
"Heheh, thanks. You're not bad yourself, Danny bro," Gust said, patting him on the back.
"Don't touch me."
Chrys: It takes a lot to enact justice. But it takes a whole lot more to enact something else: redemption.
The Director: If one truly is to truly deserve forgiveness, they must be able to give it as well. Fortunately, Dan has proven he has that strength.
~More Headlines~ Gust Grasp Honored for Valor in Battle! Former Raiders Distinguish themselves in fight against FIST Pirate Turned Protector: Gust Grasp receives Medal for Defending Equestria! Treaty Signed! Equestrian-Griffon Alliance is Official! Dan Declares War: "Vice Grip is going down. That SOB's days are numbered."
Twilight: As we continue onward, into whatever the future may have in store for us and Equestria, we must remember that our friends and families are by our side. The things we do- for ourselves, for Equestria and for them- define us and shape the world we live in, both future and past.
Chrys: We continue on this road together.
Vice Grip: We continue building towards a brighter future.
Phoenix: We do this with the knowledge that there are those who oppose us. But we know in our hearts that we are right. Because we remain true to ourselves and always pursue what is right.
Lightning Claw: It is this belief that unites us.
Fire Dancer: It is this belief that divides us.
Twilight: And we accept this belief and continue onward because we're always examining it.
Vice Grip: We take responsibility for our actions, our mistakes. As we continue on this road, we look back at the steps we've taken-
Chrys: -to make sure the mistakes we've made are not repeated in the steps of others. That is how-
Twilight: That is how-
Vice Grip: That is how-
All: That is how we build a better future. We forge it in every step we take, in every move and every decision we make and the ways we make it.
Chrys: Even if it seems like it's sometimes one step forward and two steps back-
Daring Do: We're mindful of every step. And because we do this-
"-the future we strive for gets a little bit closer every day. For Ponyville Action News, I'm Barro the Broadcaster saying thanks for watching and we'll be back with more as soon. See you then!"
November 15th, 1985, 2:19pm. Los Angeles, California Saint Garry's Mod Catholic School
Christmas decorations were already cluttering the hallway. Dan hated that; why did Christmas have to be such an obnoxious holiday? The people, especially at his school, always started putting Christmas decorations up way too early. On top of that, they seemed to do it earlier every year. Even after Independence Day in July, Dan could swear that radio stations started playing Christmas music, just to annoy him. Or, maybe it was because of that one random Christmas in July special, but that only made it more annoying. He hated Christmas, hated Christmas decorations and thought that anyone who went overboard with them should be tossed out of a plane.
He pretended he was ignoring them as he walked through the halls. In reality, he was focusing on them, trying to think about how much he hated them, be as angry as possible. But of course, the tears found him again. The real emotions always found their way out, even though he'd only been battling them the past few minutes, he knew they would always find a way out. It didn't stop him from trying to fight them but it also didn't stop them from coming out. Still, he fought on.
"I want you to know, you can call us whenever you want," the officer said. "For anything. There'll always be someone on the line who can talk to you, I promise."
Dan, a ten-year-old boy, was dwarfed by the officer. Still, the young man felt like striking him, saying something scathing but restrained himself He fought himself. "Thank you," he replied, his voice stoic.
The officer led him back to the principle's office. Dan had wanted to be alone but instead found himself with his own police escort when he'd asked to use the bathroom. In reality, he'd just used it as an excuse to try and get some time to himself. Maybe to cry, he didn't know what his body subconsciously wanted. He only knew he wanted something that none of them could give him.
He sat back in the small chair in front of the principle's desk. The principle, some sort of high Catholic nun Dan hadn't bothered to remember, was still on the phone. "Yes... well, until we can reach someone, I guess that's the only option. Thank you for all your help so far. Yes, good-bye."
Dan didn't try to make eye contact with her. He didn't ask her what she was doing, what she had been talking about. He didn't care.
"They... can't seem to reach your uncle or your grandmother at the moment, Daniel. I'm sorry," the nun apologized. "Would you... would you know of anyone else?"
He said nothing, kept his eyes focused on the tiles of the floor. The tile was so clean it showed his reflection; it had just been cleaned. But there was no "Caution: Wet Floor" cone nearby, no safety precaution. That was irresponsible, he thought- someone could easily slip and get hurt. He hated such irresponsibility. He hated everything about it.
The nun walked over to him, her dark robes reflected in the floor's surface. She placed a hand on his shoulder. "Do you know of anyone else we could call?"
Maybe the act of physically touching him was enough to stir him from his seething, maybe not. Either way, Dan, still fixated on the floor said, "Teddy. He's... he's my friend. Chris knows him."
The nun leaned over him. "Do you think maybe Teddy's parents would take you in?"
Dan shrugged. "I know his phone number. We could try it."
"Okay, then," she said. Dan gave her the number, she called and very soon, Ted's mom was on her way to the school. The situation was explained to her, meaning Dan had to hear it again. The nun had tried to whisper it into the phone. He hated that, hated that she was trying to hide it from him, as if she could possibly spare him more pain. He hated people like her, who didn't face their problems. His fists balled as he sat in the chair but only wound up crying again.
Ted's mom and the nun talked as the cop took Dan to the entrance of the school. He was happy he couldn't hear their voices as they repeated what had happened yet again.
"We don't know exactly if we'll be able to find anyone at this time but he did say he still has his uncle and his grandmother."
"There's really no one else?"
"He hasn't mentioned anyone... but, with the state he's in, I can't be sure of anything. Do you know if he has any other relatives?"
"No," Ted's mom shook her head to the nun. "I did know his father, though... I can't believe this happened. Did they... did they catch who was responsible?"
"They did- it was a few teens, apparently students of Dan's father. They were trying to shoot up the school for some reason. The police are still investigating but, apparently they tried to force their way into Dan's father's classroom. He wouldn't let them through the door, though, so they... shot through it. The other students escaped through the windows and the shooters were apprehended," the nun explained. "They... found him slumped against the door. Dan already knows."
"That is... I'm so sorry," Ted's mom apologized.
"We are, too," the nun said. Neither of them were in any way responsible for what had happened; Dan's father was a chemistry teacher at Garry's Mod High School on the other side of the city. His parents had been divorced since he was five and Dan's mother had passed away two years ago, leaving his father as his only parent. Until today, an hour and a half ago.
Dan had only been told what had happened once but he'd only had to be told once. The cop had already called Dan's dad a "hero", having sacrificed himself to save his students. What none of them knew was that Dan knew why a pair of his father's students had tried to shoot up the school. Not that it gave them justification for what they had done, not that anything ever would, not that any of that mattered now at all. Nothing mattered.
The cop walked Dan all the way to the front of the school. "We can get you in touch with a group," he casually said. "There's other people who... can help you through things, know what you're going through. We can call them, if you like."
"No," Dan said flatly. "Thank you," he quickly added.
"Well, I'll still get you their number, just in case," the cop said. They were both silent until Dan got to Ted's mom's car. Even though she was still talking with the nun, Dan was able to identify it parked on the curb and took a seat in the back. He closed the door behind him, finally alone.
The officer tapped on the glass. After only a moment's hesitation, Dan rolled down the window.
"Hey, uh, I want you to know... I'm sorry this happened," the officer said. Was he really? What did sorry even mean now? What the hell was he even apologizing for? Did anyone know? "I know what you're going through is going to be really tough. But you can get through it, I promise. I know right now it can seem like nothing will help, and it's really easy to want revenge at those times but we... we have to understand, we can pull through."
Dan finally looked up at the officer. "Why would I want revenge?"
"I know," the cop said again. "But you gotta understand it never helps anything, believe me. And things will get better. We'll do our best to get everything set up for you, okay?"
"Okay..." Dan said. Finally, the cop left him alone. He rolled up the window and sat in silence and thought about how he would avenge his father. He thought about all the things he would do, how he could make the ones who were responsible suffer. How he could get justice... how he could take revenge. It was about that time, Dan realized... he wasn't crying.
What no one had known and what only Dan would ever know from then on, was that his father was a drug dealer. Dan's father sold marijuana to minors at the school he taught at, one of his primary sources of income. The students who had shot him were not so much as disgruntled students as they were disgruntled customers. He had sold them a harder narcotic, something called Stin a few weeks ago. But shortly after that, Dan's father decided he was done selling drugs after he was nearly caught by Chris's dad.
Unfortunately, the disgruntled teens had not taken too kindly to being cutoff like that. They'd threatened him, threatened to go to the police and when he still refused, had tried to get him to show them how to make it. Unfortunately, Stin isn't the easiest substance to make and so, after many attempts, they had tried to force Dan's father to get them more. They had brought a pistol with them to school and after Dan's father refused to let them in his classroom, they discharged the pistol through the door, trying to shoot through the lock. They ended up shooting through both the door and Dan's father a total of eight times.
Dan's father had refused to let his class be endangered, instead propping himself against the door when the lock was finally shot off. His last act was to sacrifice himself so his students could evacuate via the windows. He had been found still propped against the door, his own body not letting it budge. A memorial was already being planned in his honor and all school had been closed for the next few days. The police had notified Dan approximately one hour after it happened.
Since then, Dan had heard apologies from half a dozen people who supposedly were going to help him. But nothing any of them said did any good. Their soft spoken words were empty to him, no matter how sincere they were. Actions spoke louder than words. They always spoke louder... and it was time for the world to hear Dan's voice.
The two teens were being held in a lockup. They had both already spoken to Gregory Edgeworth, a defense attorney about possibly pleading insanity or addiction influence to lessen their consequences. They were both lies but were dealing with the ramifications of their actions and also the guilt of having killed their high school teacher. They would stand trial the next day... or at least, they would have.
It was 1985 and Dan was ten years old when he took his first real act of revenge. To this day, exactly what he did to the two teens is known only to Dan but neither of them made it to trial. They were committed to an insane asylum where they would spend their days, walking shakily, escorted by people trying to comfort them down corridors forever. The hallways were never that clean because no one from the outside ever saw what went on in there. And there were never any Christmas decorations.
By the time Twilight and company arrived, Dan had finished converting Halberd Base into Fort Jerk. The Enclave's banners were all emblazoned with white letters on them that, combined with the giant E in the center, spelled JERK on the walls and flags of the exterior. Even Twilight was a bit surprised to see Knight, the original Magic Gear, repairing the base alongside the former Enclave pegasi. While they weren't the best soldiers, they made a pretty good construction and maintenance crew. After all, fixing things been their jobs when they were part of Cloudsdale.
The wreckage of Cogsdale was used to help fix the base, as well as build new defenses around it. The missing pieces of Cloudsdale had actually been inside Cogsdale, a way of keeping the massive gear-shaped craft in the air. Now that they were free, they were beginning to take shape high above the base under the caring hooves of the non-Enclave pegasi, what few there were. After finally reaching the base, Phoenix led them to Dan, who was busy teaching the Enclave ponies how to fight in a scene oddly reminiscent of the tutorial of Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker.
"No, no, NO! You don't fight fair!" Dan yelled, breaking up a couple of pegasi. "When they're down, you don't give them time to get back up again- you STRIKE!" he said, punching one of the pony and knocking them down.
Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle all winced at the ruthless display. "Ooooh, that's gotta hurt," Spike remarked.
"Kinda seems like I got off easy now," Gust added. Dan looked up at them. "Heheh... maybe I should be quiet."
"Twilight! Chrys! Guys!" Dan exclaimed, delighted to see them. "Welcome to Fort Jerk!"
"Catchy name. I like it," Spike said.
"It looks like you beat the tar out of the Enclave, Dan," Chrys remarked. She blushed. "Just like you always do."
He strode over, grinning confidently to his almost-girlfriend and Twilight with enough brazen swagger for the army he'd just beaten. "Well, you know what they say: can't make an omelette without breaking some legs."
"Don't you mean eggs?" Twi asked.
"Actually, I meant faces, but we'll go with eggs." He looked around, noticing that one of them was missing. "Where's Fluffle Puff?"
And before any of them could answer, Fluffle pounced upon Dan and Phoenix from the side. "Gah!"
"Aah!"
"Thppth!" Sucker puff!
Fluffle Puff's attack was one of the many sneak attacks made that day. Unlike the others, it was not met with any resistance, resulted in no casualties and was immediately responded with reciprocative retaliatory snuggles.
"Fluffle!"
"Ha, looks like someone's happy to see us," Phoenix said, getting to his feet. Both humans were assaulted by a flurry of licks and nuzzles from the large puffy mare who alternated between them to deliver maximum affection. "Hey, did she change the color of her fluff?"
"That's camouflage!" Dan exclaimed, happily petting her. "She was ready to go back to Plan J if we needed to! Good Puffer!"
"Arararrrrrrawr! Rarararaaww! Arf!" Fluffle buried her muzzle furiously into Dan's neck and play-bit and nuzzled him like a large, fluffy puppy.
"Who's a good little tactical subverter? Is it you? Is it you?"
"Rar!"
"Yes it is! Yes it is!" Dan rubbed her playfully. "Hey, you wanna go play with the Enclave?"
"*gasp!*" She nodded.
Dan smiled. "Go get 'em, girl!"
The fluffy mare gasped again and then zipped off towards the former Enclave trainees. Unfortunately for them, Fluffle tended to play aggressively when Dan said "Go get 'em." She went for their necks and barrels, grabbed them, shook them and glomped them with a ferocity designed to forcibly remove any lingering evil they may have contained inside of them with love and snuggles. The kind of hugs bears gave to other, larger bears. Suffice to say, it was very one-sided.
"What is that thing?!"
"It's got the lieutenant!"
"RUN! RUN FOR YOUR- AARRRRRGGH!!" The ranks of the Jerklave were ravaged once again, now by a pink cuddly wrecking ball of softness that ruthlessly picked them off one by one and snuggled them into submission.
"Oh mai gawdddd..." Gust covered his beak. "The humanity..."
"She's got a lotta love to give," Chrys remarked.
"It's good to see," Dan said, taking Twilight and Chrys and wrapping his arms around their shoulders. They watched as Fluffle dispensed the "love" onto the Enclave, the sounds of snarling and screaming as Dan just smiled. It truly was the gift that kept on giving. "So, what've you guys been up to?"
"Well, we looked into Vice Grip," Twilight said. "Among... other things."
"And?"
"What have you found out?" Phoenix asked. "Was anything he said true?"
Twilight shifted, somewhat of a half-shrug. "From what we can gather, maybe. We think he's either related to the last chancellor of the earth ponies or that he might be the last chancellor of the earth ponies."
"What do you mean- "chancellor?" Dan asked. "He doesn't really... his claims don't actually have some kind of merit, do they?"
"We're not sure," Chrys said. "The earth ponies haven't had a chancellor since Unification Day, the day all three tribes came together under the Princess. The last pony to hold the office was Rice Puddinghead, an inventor who was reelected five times."
"Yeah... I think I remember seeing his picture," Phoenix said. "In the Golden Oaks Library, I think there's a dedication plaque with him on it. Didn't he have a son?"
Twilight nodded. "Vice Puddinghead. We can't find any other record of his direct descendants but... he may be related to Pinkie Pie and Applebloom through the original Chancellor Puddinghead."
Dan rubbed his chin. "Related to Pinkie and AJ... that makes sense."
"What happened to him?" Phoenix asked.
"Well... we believe..." Twilight started to say but was having trouble getting the words out.
Chrys stood strong, held Twilight and interjected. "We have kind of a theory. The records show that there was an accident on the first Unification Day, an accident that claimed Rice Puddinghead's life. There's no indication as to what happened to Vice Puddinghead or if he and Vice Grip are even the same pony. But, there's a memorial dedicated to both of them in the mayor's office. There's not much information from that period to go on."
"Hold on," Phoenix stopped them. "What accident was this?"
"Rice Puddinghead was a genius inventor," Twilight explained, as if she had read it many times over. "He's responsible for dozens of innovations- greenhouses, telephones, aircraft, he's cured diseases and plagues and even discovered new lands. They called him Equestria's "Second Sun."
"But, one of his inventions didn't work out well- the first locomotive," Chrys said. "According to the texts we found, lightning struck the train and destroyed it, killing Rice and Vice in the process. The accident was blamed on the pegasi and ultimately the Pegasus General at the time, General Typhoon. She was fired and the position of Pegasus General was changed to General Manager and Earth Pony Chancellor became Mayor. Equestria then turned to Princess Quintessa as the sole ruler, who reigned until Celestia and Luna came of age."
"That... doesn't sound right," Dan said, before anyone else could. "There was a triumvirate one day and then there's just one chick in charge because of an accident?"
"I know how this looks," Chrys said. "Trust me, I was around back then. It was a few years before I... well, was imprisoned. But yeah, I was there. Not in Ponyville, though but I know how things were back then," the changeling explained. "Things were... different. Shit was weird. There was a lot of uncertainty, a lot of fear, there weren't any Fluffle Puff ponies running around loving everything that moved, I know that much. Me and the horde had to ration the love we got but... that's another story," she said, giggling. "Seriously though, seriously, we think this might've been like, an assassination attempt or something. Doesn't it seem like that?"
They were all silent for a moment. "Yeah... it does," Phoenix said. "You think... that might be why there are a lot of pegasi that are really... gung-ho?" They looked back to the Enclave.
In fact, that was exactly the reason for how the Enclave acted, part of it, anyway. It was true the pegasi did more actual work than both the unicorns and the earth ponies as a whole. They were driven as a species and one need only look at the marks of history to see why. The pegasi used to have an army, used to conquer and defend Equestria militarily but time changed and they were asked to lay down their arms. It had been a difficult transition and to this day, they still maintained the discipline, training and vigilance of an army without the equipment or mandate. Yet, they still worked hard and received only a third of the recognition because of what happened in the past.
While Twilight didn't know what happened to Rice Puddinghead yet, she knew General Typhoon had been blamed for his death. Shortly after that, the pegasi had seen their leadership, their voice in the triumvirate removed, the triumvirate removed. And like the most loyal of soldiers, they blamed only themselves for this accident. It was as if their entire race had been dishonorably discharged, cried Axious! and took to the sky again, determined never to let their country down again. When in reality, it was their government who had let them down. And Twilight explained this all to them, in detail.
"Speaking of, how is the mayor?" Phoenix asked. "How are things holding up in Ponyville?"
"They're better, or at least getting there," Twilight said. "Shining and Cadence are still fixing that big space-cruiser thing. It might be our only chance of getting to the moon, if that's where the princesses and our friends are."
"Not all of our friends, your highness!" Daring exclaimed. She flew down along with the DeLorean, carrying it alongside several other pegasi. And when the doors opened, Twilight was overjoyed to see who emerged.
"Twilight!!"
"Rainbow!!!" The pair grabbed each other, embracing in the fullest of hugs. "Oh mai gawsh! Thank Celestia, thank Luna, thank everypony you're okay!!"
"I'm not the only one, either!"
"Um... hi," Fluttershy said, peeking out.
"FLUTTERSHY!!!" they all exclaimed.
"EEEP!" They grabbed the yellow pegasus and hugged her, creating a group hug around their returned friends. Even Daring joined in from a top perspective; they were all her fans, anyway.
"I'm so happy you're both back!!" Twilight said, joyful tears running down her face.
"We're happy to see you, all of you guys!" Rainbow said back, hugging just as strongly but not crying quite as much. Not quite as, anyway.
"It's good to see you're all okay!" Fluttershy said. "After all that Vice had us doing, we were really worried."
"What exactly did that maniac have you do?" Dan asked, voice enraged.
As if on cue, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder slid into the frame. "Please say ship fiction. Pleeeeasse say ship fiction."
"Pffft, like that hasn't been done," Rainbow scoffed. It disappointed the Blasties but they were happy to get the chance to rub their creator's favorite pony. Scratch another thing off the list. "No, Vice was trying to experiment on all of us. He put us through all these weird tests."
Fluttershy nodded. She hovered around Tuxley's head, absolutely fascinated by the gentlemen lizard. "He... wanted to learn how I bonded with animals. He tried to get me to bond with his robots to see if I could control them."
"And he kept scanning me with all these weird things to try and see if he could make rainbows that crossed into other dimensions!" Rainbow said. "The guy's nuts!"
"What about Applejack, Rarity andPinkie Pie?" Chrys asked, turning into each of them and asking the question in their own voices.
Rainbow shook her head. "We didn't see them. Vice had us shipped to this base and even then, we were blindfolded the entire time. We don't know where the others are."
Twilight grabbed both of her friends. "We'll find them. I promise, we'll get them all back and the princesses, too!"
"That's right we will!" Dan declared. "And we're gonna find Vice Puddinggrip and kick his freaky flank all the way back to a thousand years ago!"
"I hate to break up the party," Gust said, removing his sunglasses. "But Vice ain't really the immediate problem."
"He's right," Sharp Winter said, walking over to join them, his body covered in fluff. "There's an army of zebras on their way here. Led by General Zeal."
"It sounds like I missed a lot," Rainbow said bashfully. "Can anypony bring me up to speed?"
"We can! We can! We cannnnnn!!" the Blasties cheered.
"Yes, come and bask in all of my accomplishments as I tour you around Fort Jerk!" Dan said, leading the group off parade-style. Even some of the Jerklave ponies joined him, though one accidentally got too far away from the group and exploded. "Mind the landmines. There's a lot of those. Medic!"
As Twilight and Chrys picked up the pace to join the others, Daring Do flew down to walk beside her. "I'm sorry about deceiving you guys. But I didn't want to put any of you at risk."
Twilight looked down, then back up and smiled. "You didn't really deceive us. We trust Dan and Dan trusted you, so, nopony was really betrayed."
Daring dipped her head down. "No... the whole kingdom was betrayed," she said. "By Vice Grip. And his deception has caused us to fight each other ever since. This is the first time we've been able to hit back."
"That was the real sucker punch," Chrys said. "And we all fell for it."
"We did," Twilight agreed. Her eyes narrowed. "But we won't fall for it again." They followed the others as Dan led them on a tour of the base. He explained to all of them, to every pony how he fought valiantly, embellishing and exaggerating more things then anypony cared to stop and examine. Whether he was doing it because of the possibility of prolonged surveillance by Vice Grip or just for his own ego, no one knew. He even reenacted several battles, even forcing the Jerklave ponies to go through the same motions as they had during the attack. Again, they did not know if he was doing this for some other reason or if he just wanted to beat the crap out of the Enclave yet again.
Finally, he led them all into a briefing room. "So, we're all here, more or less. What do we know about these zebra guys?"
"They're tough," Chrys said, transforming into one of them. "Incredibly focused and resilient. They use spears tipped in potion but no other weapons, technology or vehicles."
"Haha," Dan chuckled. "Which means, we've got the advantage, finally!"
"Not exactly..." Twilight said.
"What? What do you mean?"
She looked up at him, surrounded by their friends, allies and former enemies. "We don't really have any advantage against them."
Dan leaned against the desk. "I don't see how. We've got air superiority, we've got Flutterbirds and we've got those plasma-laser things and lots of bombs! We've got the Enclave AND the Griffons! We've got all the air support we need!"
"But it won't help us against the zebras," Blast Fuse said.
Blast Powder, next to her, nodded in agreement. "Zebras have shields, they have magic, they have weapons and they're on the ground. They've also never been defeated."
"But... air superiority!" Dan protested. "I thought... that's how it works. You control the sky, you control the battlefield. I thought..."
They shook their heads. "There's no cover in the air. Our weapons from that high up won't penetrate their shields. And they can take out our ground forces, even this base before we know it. Even turn the turrets against us," Blast Powder said.
"I... you're telling me, that ALL the friends we just made, the entire ARMIES and SHIPS we just recruited and NONE of it can help us against the zebras?" Dan asked, raging.
"If we weren't vulnerable on the ground, maybe," Fuse said. "We own the skies, maybe but we can't all stand on it. And it won't stop them marching right for us. It won't even slow them down."
It was true that the master strategist knew that sometimes, you had to sacrifice a piece to keep the game going. Like chess on a scale never seen before. Perhaps Vice Grip's greatest genius was not his understanding of technology or magic but his understanding of his opponents. For all he had done, all they had fought so far, all Dan had raged against had only been things within Equestria itself. In a way, Vice Grip had set Equestria on itself, forcing them to fight and using them as test subjects for all his experiments. So, Vice had at least proven himself even beyond a master strategist because he had forced his opponent to sacrifice their own pieces. For that, he was that much closer to winning the game.
"That's not entirely true," Chrys said, waving her hoof. "We have Knight now!"
"That's right!" Dan exclaimed, his confidence returned to full. "And we're not fighting each other any more. We're fighting FOR each other, for an Equestria we all know and love! We will make things better again no matter who we come up against!"
"Yeah!!" they all cheered.
"Whoever this Zen Zeal guy is, he doesn't stand a chance!" Dan declared, raising his fist. "Because we've got a plan!!"
"YEAH!!" they all cheered louder.
"That's right!" Dan said. He unfurled a map on the desk. "So now, let's get right to it! Okay, I wanna go over objectives eight-through-eighty-five first because they'll be identical in Plans A-through-N. Also, we will be adding new objectives and procedures for what to do if the army you've just beaten is suddenly overtaken and replaced by a second army of holographic clones and what to do if part of the base you just captured turns into a doomsday ship and tries to attack you."
"Aaaaugh," the crowd groaned unanimously as Dan began another planning monologue. All except Twilight, Chrys and Phoenix.
"Ehh," Chrys shrugged. "It worked for us last time." Twilight nodded.
"I'll go get the soy sauce," Phoenix said. (Better get a couple bottles, too; I have a feeling I'll be involved in every plan.) And he was right, just as he had been before. But this time, he was happy about it... and he wasn't the only one. Sometimes, complicated things worked, like the twist in the middle of one of Daring Do's books. No matter what happened, it was the ones who dared to do those things that won and right now, right then and there, they all dared to believe in one another. They dared to believe in Equestria. They dared to win.
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship... the war continues.
"If I don't make it back, I want the Flim Flam Brothers to go next because nobody likes them."
"Didn't we already do that joke?"
"If they're still alive, it means no."
General Zen Zeal arrives...
"I thought you guys were supposed to rhyme."
"..."
"I thought you guys were supposed to talk."
"..."
"Dan, we might wanna start running."
"Why?"
An invincible army, an unbeatable commander, an unstoppable conquest...
"RUN! RUN! The zebstrikas are trying to kill us!!"
...and none of them are Dan's.
"We stop them here!"
"No."
"Here!"
"No."
"Okay, then we go here-"
"No."
"No, I was saying we could go there for dinner. You know, if we uh, survive."
Next time, the lines are drawn.
"INCOMING!!"
Next Saturday, the war comes home.
"RETURN FIRE... oh, crap, I'm the only one left again."
Episode 15: Secrets of The Zebras- Dan Vs. The "Unstoppable" Zen Zeal. Next Saturday, Dan must beat a zebra with a better battle record than him if Equestria's to see tomorrow! It's a war that's anything but black and white next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
Boomhauer set the cooler in its rightful spot by the fence. Despite the fact that this spot, this sacred spot where they ritually set the cooler down was constantly used for the all-important container, the grass underneath it was just as lively, just as green as the grass in the lawn behind it. That was just how Hank kept it, always. Reaching into the cooler, Boomhauer passed each of his three friends a beer before taking one for himself and shutting the lid. He took his place at their sides in the orange glow of the Texas sun and each of them took a refreshing sip of their chosen beverage, completing the time-honored tradition.
"Heeyep."
"Hyup."
"Mhmm."
"Eeyep."
"Gentlemen," Dale said abruptly, "you will recall my alien invasion theory."
"Which one?" Hank asked. "You come up with a new one every week."
"Do not."
"Yeah, you do! You said you'd invent a new alien invasion theory every week just in case the aliens are listening in! That way they wouldn't know you were onto them!" Bill said.
"Oh," Dale pinched his chin. He realized that did sound like something he'd say, meaning he probably had said it. "Well, what was the one from three weeks ago?"
"Martians have found a way to place nano probes in our clothes fabric," Hank answered.
"And the one after that?"
"The government's teamed up with the aliens to replace all middle-management jobs with pod people," Bill answered.
Dale rubbed his beer to his chin. "And after that?"
"Dang ole Earth invaded decades ago Tunguska Event secret weapons testing facility replaced Hollywood actors and Johnny Depp with dang ole time bombs detonate and dang ole BRRUUSHOO-BRUSHOOOM BLAM!, takeover every man, woman and child on the planet into a cyborg, man," Boomhauer replied. "Dang ole-he got heart of gold, heart of gold."
"Hmm, not that one, either," Dale said. "No, gentlemen, I refer, of course, to the alien's most recent plan: beaming their secret invasion messages through low-grade animated children's entertainment programming, either online or through television."
"You mean cartoons?" Hank asked.
"Hmmm..." Dale thought again. "A possibility I had not considered, but yes, it does seem a likely candidate."
Hank shook his head and was about to tell Dale what he really thought about his alien conspiracies when Peggy's voice got his attention.
"Haaannnk! T.v's on the fritz again."
"Again? That's the third time this week," Hank said. "Excuse me guys, I gotta go sort this out," he said, apologizing for breaking their ritual and taking his beer with him.
"So, have you guys seen that new My Troubled Pony series? They got that same guy who did the original voice of Guillermo."
"Haven't had time to see it myself," Dale said.
"Season finale, man," Boomhauer commented.
Hank walked in through the sliding kitchen door of his modest suburban home rather than the front door. It was easier and also he had to carefully place his unfinished Alamo beer in a small plastic bag and store it into the freezer before he did anything else. You just did not waste Alamo beer; it would've been disrespectful. He entered the living room to see his son, Bobby, sitting in the center of the couch with the remote while his wife Peggy fiddled behind the t.v set.
"Did that do anything?" Peggy asked.
"Uh... I don't think so," Bobby replied. "Oh wait! If I squint, I think I can see a message in the snow!"
"No, Bobby, that's just white noise," Peggy said.
"Ah, I see," Bobby said, rubbing the remote to his chin. "But, could the noise be trying to tell us something?"
It was clear to Hank they were both clueless. He had to intervene carefully so they didn't cause any more damage. "Having trouble with the t.v again?"
"Yes, but I think we've almost... got it..." Peggy said, struggling to pull something. She yanked a cord out of the back of the t.v and it shut off. "Did that get it?"
Bobby tried a few buttons on the remote. "I don't think so, but gimme a minute to check."
"How about I give it a try?" Hank asked.
"Sounds good to me."
"Yeah, I'm sure you'll have better luck than us," Peggy said.
Hank smiled and bent down to get to work. Even if they were a bit clueless sometimes, Hank's family meant the world to him. He was only too happy to have their faith, confidence and trust in just about every task in the household. He wouldn't have it any other way.
After just a few moments, Hank deduced the problem and fixed it. Apparently, his niece Luanne had been trying to hook up the VCR to the new set and had accidentally mixed up a couple of the wires. After reconnecting them and plugging in the t.v properly, the picture finally came on.
"Hey, it's back! You did it, dad!"
"Everything look okay?" Hank asked.
"Yep," Peggy remarked. She smiled at her ever-resourceful husband. "Never need to call the cable guy with you around."
"That's why I always stay close to home," he said, returning the gesture. They weren't the most affectionate of families but they loved each other. That was enough for them.
"Ooooh! It's on, it's on!" Bobby exclaimed giddily.
"What're you watching, son?"
"It's Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!" Bobby said. "It's on every Saturday!"
Hank squinted at the t.v. "Cartoon, huh? Maybe I should watch it with you."
Bobby looked surprised. "I didn't know you liked cartoons, dad."
"Well, I've just heard they've come along way since Looney Toons," Hank replied. "And uh, I heard a theory about them from a... certain source."
"Ah, you mean that they're a secret invasion broadcast?" Bobby asked.
"Did Dale come over here?"
Bobby shook his head. "Nah, I heard it from Joseph. But the whole "giant robots nuking Earth" is just the plot of the first season. It doesn't really have anything to do with aliens or the government."
"Huh," Hank said, still staring intently at the screen. "Well, maybe I should watch anyway... just to make sure the t.v's still fixed." On the screen, Vice Grip laughed maniacally as he prepared to nuke every major city on Earth. And there was only Dan to stop him.
Back in the alley, Bill, Boomhauer and the cooler were gone. Dale watched, peaking out from the edge of the fence to peer into Hank's living room. He held up a tape recorder to his mouth and whispered, "Log number forty-two-dash-ay. Update on Operation: Equestria,;Hank knows."
Dan's impressive air fleet soared high over Equestria, the combined might of the griffons and every pegasi in Cloudsdale and Ponyville. Captured Flutterbirds and three griffon carriers- the All of My Yes, All of My Rage and All of My What flew in formation, flying high above the clouds in a symbol of unity and strength. They were a united armada, pegasi and griffons flying together, with Rainbow Dash at the lead.
"Watch the cross-breeze, it can come from two directions at once!" Rainbow said into her helmet's comlink. "Derpy, keep the squads rotating until we close on the target!"
"Rainbow, roger! I mean, roger, Rainbow!" Derpy's voice came back.
"Good job, girls, keep it up!" Twilight said, from the deck of one of the carriers. She watched them all with the eyes of her keen intellect, studying how and analyzing how each pony flew and coordinating them. "Do you have any specific orders for them, Dan?"
"No thanks," the human replied, lounging. "You could get one of them to refill my drink, if you wanted. Maybe have them do some tricks we haven't seen." On the deck of the newly-built Expunger-class carrier, All of My Rage, Dan, Chrys, Phoenix and Fluffle were taking the opportunity to relax, treating it more like a beach than a warship. Even Knight, their newly-acquired Magic Gear had returned to its ROOK mode while Daring Do showed off some of her latest findings.
Chrys lounged in a chair beside him, wearing a bikini and sipping from a dixie cup full of rainbow. "I could use some more rainbow if anypony's gonna make a run."
"Way ahead of you," Phoenix said, lugging over a cooler that looked suspiciously like the same one Boomhauer had brought in. "And since the griffons got a look at Cloudsdale's weather tech, we can make our own rainbow snow cones up here!" (And thankfully, they're free!)
Twilight looked over at the lawyer. His traditional blue coat and tie were gone, his undershirt was unbuttoned and instead of pants, he was wearing shorts and sandals. Twilight actually found herself blushing a bit. "Um, Phoenix, hey... almost didn't recognize you."
"Oh... ha, yeah, Dan said "Beach day" and I decided to just roll with it," he said, smiling. Even his hair was highlighted and he sported a pair of sunglasses that reminded her distinctly of Vinyl Scratch. Mostly though, she was surprised and happy to see Phoenix wasn't a bit disturbed that they were flying unrestrained on the deck of a griffon pirate ship several thousand feet above the surface. It was good to see.
Close to the bridge tower at the back of the deck, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder played volleyball with Fluffle Puff against Tux and Reginald. Fluffle Puff was the ball, raspberrying every time one of them made a return. Fluttershy, Spike and Gust were in the bridge and even then, the ship was autopilot while they were playing video games. Apart from all the fliers, the rest of the crew, including Dan's team, was having fun while the armada flew towards war.
"You guys..." Twilight said, watching all of them. "You're really just going to... play around when we're about to face the zebras?"
"Heheh, Twilight," Dan said, standing with a new drink. "We're gonna be fine! We've got the biggest air fleet Equestria's ever seen, all the advanced technology of the 'clavers and the techniques of the griffons, we can't lose."
Twilight looked around again. "You really think it's going to be that easy?"
"You have to admit, Twilight, we do have a lot of stuff," Chrys said, sipping again. "And Dan's plan is a pretty good one. We engage them now, head-on and we stop them from getting to Equestria."
"So there won't be any civilians or possible lawsuits to get in the way," Phoenix added.
"Which plan did we decide on again?" Twilight asked.
"Plan D," they all answered simultaneously.
Twilight thought. "Wait, didn't we do a Plan D already? Or is this a different Plan D? Does the D stand for Different?"
"No," Dan said. "Plan D- for Dump."
"Ha, dump," Chrys chuckled.
"It's not what you think it is," Dan said. "We've got all of this cool stuff, all these bombs and missiles and weapons and we're going to dump it all on the zebras. Most of the Enclave's stuff is broken, anyway, so we're just going to drop it all right on the zebras and if it doesn't work, we go get more bombs and stuff. We even drop landmines to slow 'em down while we go get more crap."
"We got plenty-a bombs," Blast Fuse said.
"We made sure of that," her sister added. They both nodded, happy with the work they'd done.
"So, we're taking a dump on the zebras. Good to know," Twilight surmised. "I have to admit, it's elegant in its simplicity and that's certainly worked out for us so far."
"Yep," Dan said, stretching. "Just ignore the fact that the carriers look like giant toilet seats and the fact that I'm gonna go get some more of those leftover tacos from Fort Jerk we've got in the fridge. You want anything?"
"A new Plan D?" Twilight sarcastically suggested.
Dan smiled and patted his friend on the head. "How 'bout Plan D for Drink? I'll grab ya a Mountain Daring Do, back in a sec," he said, skipping off to the bridge-fridge.
Twilight looked back down to Equestria, hoping Dan's confidence wasn't unfounded. No matter what they planned, there was still a possibility that General Zen Zeal and his zebra army was ready for it.
Unfortunately for all of them, Zen Zeal was very ready indeed.
High above the surface, just partially obscured by the clouds were the shapes and colors of pegasi and griffons. Although at such a distance, they were difficult to make out but the flight patters of both creatures were fundamentally different. Pegasi were faster, cut through the air and flowed through it like arrows on the wind, their tails streaming behind them in colorful streaks. Griffons were more maneuverable and used the feathers on their body to turn and roll faster. The way they flew meant their formations had to compensate for each others' movements, less room for creative flying.
The zebra scouts made note of this, tracking the way they banked through the sky. Rainbow Dash was in the lead with two pegasi on either side, the typical "delta" formation that gave allowed the group cover, coordination and visibility. Behind them was a slightly slower formation of griffons, banking with them and mimicking their move but turning just a little sharper to keep up with the pegasi who were almost at top speed. To anyone who was a keen observer of aviation, it was clear they had only recently started working together. The flaws in each and every turn were evident. Their moves were beautiful, unique in this was the first joint military operation between pony and griffon but flawed.
The zebras said nothing to each other; they didn't need to make a sound. They knew the ponies had seen them.
Half a mile away, Zen Zeal's army marched fourth, a trotting sea of black and white that moved across the land bearing wooden shields and spears. A few wagons at the back carried Zeal and anything he deemed important to transport. There was not a single word spoken between a single soldier in the army, no movement that was not precisely coordinated.
"My Lord Zeal," the wagon driver said, "Equestrian reconnaissance has detected us."
"Prepare for combat," Zeal said.
"Yes, my lord."
As if in one motion, the moment his driver answered, every zebra in the army raised their shield and spear and continued marching. Zen Zeal's army was almost a single organism. They worked with such precision that they did not need to speak to each other to communicate; from the slightest of moves, they could tell what one another were almost thinking. The moment the scouts had spotted the pegasi and the griffons, they all knew. The only reason Zeal had needed to be told was because he was still recovering from his injury after fighting Celestia. The rend on his face that didn't seem to heal.
It stung him every time the sun hit it, as hot and painful as when it had first been made by Celestia's horn. So, he stayed in the shade whenever he could and rested. But, he was still in command. He was always in command.
"Red alert! Attention all units, zebra forces have been sighted! All hands to battle stations, this is not a drill! Repeat, this is not a drill!"
"There they are!" Dan said, grinning. From the foredeck of the All of My Rage, he used a sightseeing telescope to spy the ground. The zebras almost looked like a giant checkerboard in the middle of the tan and brown badlands underneath. "A nice little herd just ready to get corralled! This is gonna be cake."
"Heh, like zebra cake, Dan?" Phoenix asked.
"With plenty'a cream on top, Nicky. Let's go get us a piece."
"Mane batteries have targeted the zebras! Range: seven-two-two mark eight! Elevation: minus-eleven mark two!"
"Missiles loaded! All carriers report firing solutions on target, ready for mission!"
"Grasp to all ships, circle around the formation, repeat circle AROUND the zebras. What andRage, take flanking positions on the side!"
"Winter to all Enclave units, close the gap! Arm all weapons and prepare to engage!"
"Hold your fire, everypony," Twilight ordered. "We want a word with these guys first." From the Rage, Dan, Chrys, Phoenix and Twilight boarded a helicopter- the Twilicopter mk. III, aka the "Twilicobra." Similar to the previous helicopters shaped like Twilight's head, this one had an angry face and narrowed "eyebrows" for windshields. Armed with new Enclave weapons, the Twilicobra led a formation of Flutterbirds from the carrier down to the zebra army below.
Beneath them, the zebras had stopped and turned their shields and spears into a massive phalanx beneath them. They had stopped marching but moved side to side, shifting their shields and spears to cover themselves from the surrounding attackers. The three griffon carriers aimed their guns right at the small formation, massive cannons that could easily turn the ground they were standing on into craters.
With Phoenix and Chrys flying the copter, Dan slid open the door just as the chopper reached low enough for the zebras to hear him. He brought out a bullhorn and triggered it on, making that awkward screeching noise before he started speaking into it.
"Attention zebra asshats!" Dan shouted through the horn, "This is your last warning! Hightail it back to your own country or we WILL annihilate you!"
The zebras said nothing. Dan wasn't really expecting to hear anything from them, anyway, because of the helicopter's blades but they could've retreated. They could have thrown down their weapons, turned around and went home and Dan would've shown them mercy. He would've done that... but none of them moved.
"All right," Dan yelled again, "This is my final-"
*Sheeewww-KRANG!*
The speaker of Dan's bullhorn suddenly exploded in a shower of sparks. It crackled, dead and the only reason he hadn't been hurt by it was because the cone protected him from the massive wooden spear that stuck out of it.
Dan turned around to Twilight, a look of horror on his face. "Get us back up. Back to the carrier. Now now now now." The Twilicobra bucked and turned to the sky, rising rapidly back to the ship above it.
"Open fire!" Chrys yelled into her headset. "All ships, all squads, open fire now!!"
"All batteries, fire!"
"Deploy all squadrons! All wings, clear to engage!"
The three carriers opened fire on the zebras. The fire from their guns lit up the sky, the clouds reflecting the bright orange. Down on the ground, zebras exploded as the shells hit them, blasted into the air along with dirt and debris. Screams and broken shields and spears swirled in a torrent of fire, smoke and dirt as the griffons' cannons ripped into the army of black and white.
As the barrage continued, the Flutterbirds, pegasi and griffons swirled around the circle the carriers had made, dropping bombs, mines and even entire missiles. Inside the carriers' formation and still at their level, the pegasi and griffons were protected from any stray rounds as they delivered their payloads. The Flutterbirds' guns ripped through the zebras, gunning swaths of them down as the bombs exploded around and on them.
From the deck of the Rage, Tuxley used his sniper cannon to pick off zebras from below. Despite the nature of the ordinance around him, the tyrannosaurus was as always, a gentlemen and only used tranquilizer rounds.
"I say, Reginald, be sure to tag each specimen for recovery!" Tux said, reloading.
"Very good, sir."
"Oh, goodness, that one's still moving," he said, taking aim and firing another round. "We might need to switch to the carfentanil with those brutes."
"Of course, sir."
At the same time, the Blasties were chucking bombs over the side along with anything else they could get their hooves on.
"No animals were harmed in the making or using of these bombs," both sisters said to her in unison.
"N-no, not that," she said, rubbing her forelegs together. "I was wondering..."
They looked at each other and hoofed her a bomb. She squee-smiled at them and then nudged it off the deck. The small bomb rolled along the hull until it gradually fell off and descended to the ground below.
Dan and company parked the Twilicobra on the deck of the carrier and looked over the edge to watch the battle below. Even before they landed, though, smoke and dirt had already risen to the point where the battlefield was almost completely obscured. It continued to rise in plumes as more shells and explosives dropped, reducing the area into a blackened slab of craters. It seemed impossible anything could even survive.
"Wow," Dan remarked. "Talk about dropping the hammer!"
Phoenix winced a bit at the carnage. "I almost feel sorry for those guys..."
"We did warn them," Chrys reminded him. "I mean, I didn't even do half the crap these zebras did to Equestria and when the unicorns went to war with me, I didn't get a warning. They didn't really have cannons or explosives either but hey, I can now officially say I got off easy."
"All batteries, cease fire."
The guns stopped. Black, acrid smoke rose from the ground as the dust settled. The pegasi and griffons stopped to hover, some even flying closer to the surface to see the results. Dan watched from the telescope while Phoenix and the others used pairs of binoculars. Fluffle used a pair of opera glasses and next to her, Captain Jack Sparrow used an elongated telescope.
"We still have zero visibility, nothing on sensors."
"Detecting no movement, no movement, over."
Rainbow Dash wiped some of the dust off her visor. "Woo-hoo! That showed 'em, yeah!"
"Awww," Becky, one of the griffons behind her moaned. "There's nothing left to steal."
"There's nothing left of anything. That's the point," Rainbow said. "Sheesh, you guys are worse than Gilda."
"Oooooh," Becky and Chelsea cooed together. "You shouldn't talk about the old bird's daughter like that."
"What? Who's daughter?"
"Thpppth." Fluffle Puff crossed her hooves, frowning.
"Awww, sweetie, what's wrong?" Chrys asked.
"Thpppth," she pouted.
"I think she's upset she didn't get to make any new zebra friends," Phoenix said.
"Well, keep looking," Dan said. "There might be a survivor down there you can be friends with. We'll just scrape 'em up, hose 'em off and they'll probably be wheelchair bound for... ever. But maybe, there's-"
"Wait," Twilight said. "There's something moving down there!"
"Movement, we've spotted movement."
"Echo Squad, clear to check it out."
"I see something!"
Down on the ground, amid the craters, a single zebra walked among the ashes. And it was THE one.
Those who would place faith in false idols, false ideals, false hopes... cannot harness the true power of belief. Your leaders have abandoned you and yet you band together, clinging to their return as if they would be your saving grace once more. But you will find no grace today, followers of Twilight Sparkle. Your fervor will not save you from my wrath. For I am Zeal.
Although the land beneath him was but blackened ash under his hooves, he walked on it as though it were the same as any other. From the debris, he summoned a spear and shield, still intact and held them before him. He didn't look up into the jaws of the enemy above him, he didn't acknowledge the guns aiming at him and he paid not a bit of attention to the bombs that could easily destroy him. He took the spear in one hoof and struck the shield.
"The hell's that noise?" Dan asked. They all heard it, even miles up in the sky, they still heard it.
*Klam-klam-klam-klam-klam-klam*
"Where's that coming from?" Rainbow asked. She looked at her wing ponies but none of them knew.
*Klam-klam-klam-klam-klam-klam*
"Thbbbbth! Thbb-thbb!!" Fluffle pointed.
"Dan?"
"I see it."
"I think you mean them," Phoenix corrected.
As Dan watched, the zebras began getting up. From underneath the ashes, craters and debris, the zebras began rising and shaking off the dust and dirt. Their injuries, if any of them had any, appeared to have been healed, somehow. They all began to rise and beat their shields with their spears, a steady beat that soon began to grow louder than the engines on the ships.
"HEY!" Dan shouted at the bridge. "Gust! What the heck are you doing?! FIRE!!"
"Oh, right. FIRE!"
"Sir, headset."
"A-again, right, thank you. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"
"All batteries, require target!"
The cannons on all three carriers took aim at the zebras again, adjusting for their own movements and that of the targets. But not a single one of them got a single round off.
"Open fire!"
"ZULU!!!"
A flurry of spears flew up at the carriers, faster and higher than anyone could've predicted. Higher and faster than possible. They weren't aimed at any of the pegasi or griffons... they were aimed at the cannons.
"WAIT! DON'T FIRE, DON'T-"
*BOM... BOM-BOM-BOM-BOMBOMBOM-BLAAAM*
A spear had flown into each barrel that had attempted to fire on the zebras again, blocking it. As the cannons tried to fire, their shells exploded inside their barrels, destroying the batteries on the carriers. Shockwaves reverberated through the ships as the cannons each burst into flames, setting the decks on fire.
"Aaaah!"
"Gaah!"
Dan and company were thrown off their feet as the All of My Rage began to list. The ship's alarm klaxons began to blare as griffons and ponies scrambled to put out the flames.
"What the hell was that?!"
"Damage control, all units, damage control!" On the bridge of All of My Rage, Gust and his crew scrambled to react to the counter-attack. "Get those fires out! Helm, get us back in position to return fire! Prepare full-broadside!!"
"Sir, the batteries have been destroyed! We can't return fire!"
Gust slammed his claw on the console. "SON OF A FINCH!!"
The fighter squadrons faired no better. Spears shot up and back down, skewering any pony or griffy unlucky enough to be directly under the zebras.
"GAHH!!"
"MY WING, MY WING!!"
"MEDIC!!! WE NEED A MEDIC, NOW!!!"
"Keep formation!!" Rainbow yelled. "Keep formation or we'll-" A spear smashed into her wing pony, driving the poor mare up and then back down again, impaling her like a swizzle stick through an olive. Rainbow grabbed her wingpony and yelled, "RETREAT! BREAK FORMATION, RETREAT!!" The bloodied spear slid out of her as Rainbow carried her to the nearest ship.
Although, that wasn't a safe place, either. All three carriers were on fire. Pegasi and griffons alike struggled to grab clouds from nearby to put out the fires with rain but the smoke from the barrage was pushing them away. Finally, the Flutterbirds were easy prey for the zebras' spears. Several of them had their wings broken like paper while others were broken in half at their tails. Their squadrons were ripped to pieces, the pilots ejecting before their aircraft crashed into the ground and exploded.
Tuxley and Reginald were doing their best to keep up the fire against the zebras but quickly saw even their darts were not having any effect. Still, they kept up the alternating fire until Tuxley felt a prick on his shoulder. He reached for it and pulled away a dart. It dripped with a fresh, purple potion of some sort that had been injected into him.
"Reginald, does this look like a zebra blowdart to you?"
The crystal pony squinted at it. "I believe it does, sir."
Tuxley touched his claw to the tip and tasted it. "Ah! It's carfentinal! About... thirty-five milligrams, I'd say."
Reginald held up his own dart. "I would say so, sir."
"Ah," Tux nodded. "They got you as well, then?"
"It would appear so, sir."
"Indeed," Tuxley said. "It would appear the zebras have reciprocated most effectively."
"An astute observation, sir."
The reptile then pulled out his pocket watch and checked the time. "Such a dosage should put us out for... almost an hour, I'd say," he then turned to his dear friend and asked, "Shall we pass out together?"
"Very good, sir," Reginald nodded. Their heads hit the deck, gentlemen even while incapacitated.
"Divert all power to the engines, get us out of here!!" Gust ordered. "What's the status of the other carriers?!"
"Yes is losing altitude, What is falling back! Both ships have suffered heavy damage!"
"Hail the Yes! Get me their bridge right now!!"
The comms officer took only a moment to patch the other ship in through the speakers. "They're on, sir!"
At first, all Gust heard were alarm sirens. It was like his attack on Ponyville all over again. Finally, a voice cut through the chaos, the XO's. "...eavy, damage, engines*shh-shh-shh*-nding! All controls are *BROM-ksssshhht!!"
Outside, All of My Yes was listing badly. The bridge of each carrier was designed so they could see in all directions, allowing Gust and his crew to see their sister ship's struggles easily. The massive ship's engines fought to keep it in the air in spite of its damage but it wasn't able to stay on course. The port side dipped down while it attempted to regain altitude, sending it in a spiraling, semi-controlled motion. It was still within range of the spears.
Gust pointed frantically. "Grapple them. Grapple them now. NOW."
Harpoons, tow cables, usually used for capturing other ships, began launching at the stranded vessel. Gust had made up his mind: he was not going to lose his carriers to a bunch of tribal invaders with supped-up spears. The other ship launched a few lines of its own, tying both ships together.
"All power to the engines, get us the *squee* out of here!" Gust slumped over the x-sonar station next to the command console. The x-sonar was a specialized mapping and detecting system that he usually used to find out if any ships or structures nearby had anything valuable. The pirate in him wanted very much to fly away, grab the helm and steer for open sky. He knew that part of him was useful but it wouldn't help him now. He needed to be the sky marshal, which meant getting his forces out of danger, no matter how much material they lost in the process.
"Sky Marshal, the What is moving backwards!!"
"What?"
"Aye sir, she's moving in reverse!" his sensor officer cried.
Gust turned around again. The third ship had lines on it as well but they lead all the way to the ground. The zebras had slung rope around their spears, lassoing the All of My What. How wasn't even a question when they were already doing it... the zebras were pulling the ship down to the surface. Even as the ship burned and tried to get away, the horde of black and white beneath them were slowing dragging it to the ground.
"Get... get me a squadron. Do we have any squadrons left?!" Gust asked, desperation deep in his voice. "Tell me we have someone left out there!!" None of them said a word. Whether there was anypony left flying, they didn't know. The griffon's head dipped low.
"Support mode engaged."
Being a weapon designed as a perfect defense, Magic Gear Knight was only able to react to situations. Her programming made her incapable of instigating conflict, just as the CIA's failed Peace Walker program had originally envisioned. She was, however, able to intervene when she detected the ponies on the All of My What were in danger. And she was getting a little help from her pilot.
"It's alright, I got it!" Daring Do said, inside Knight's cockpit. The massive mech lifted off the deck of the All of My Rage, powered by the engines of the MY-Wing that was integrated into its back.
Dan and others were helping to put out the fires when they saw Daring and Knight fly off.
"Does she know how to fly a Magic Gear?" Phoenix asked.
"Knight's doing the flying; I think she's just along for the ride," Twilight said.
"She's getting a ride with MY PLANE!!" Dan yelled. "On MY GIANT ROBOT! Risking both to save MY PONIES and MY GRIFFONS!"
"Dan, just because they surrendered to you and... subsequently swore allegiance to us doesn't mean they're yours," Twilight said. "That's not how it works."
Edge Antares, or Wedge Antilles, had been in situations like this before. Or at least, he remembered he had, when he was human. The griffons and ponies were scrambling to retreat, falling in droves to the zebras' barrage of spears. The other squadrons were all trying to help get their wounded onboard the ships. On fire, the three griffon carriers were desperately fleeing back south. Many in his position, even among his squadron, would feel instinctively compelled to go with them.
But that was how you survived battles, not how you won wars. He knew what he really had to do.
"Six-through-twelve, go to mark six and watch our exit! Everyone else, on me NOW!" he bellowed into his headset. And without question, Rogue Squadron responded, with half of them flying high and outside to the south and the rest of them forming up at his sides. They dove low to the ground, aiming right for the zebras.
"Protons or quads?" Wes asked.
"Cable," Wedge replied, narrowing his eyes.
"Cables? But, commander, we can't take that whole-"
"We're taking one of them. Three and four have the shot, we'll cover," Wedge ordered. He narrowed his eyes at the army of black and white before them. As he'd suspected, they were all looking up, none of them expecting an attack from low and to the side. That would change, of course, the moment they struck. So it was a good thing they weren't sticking around for long.
"Three, with the cable! I'm taking the shot!"
"Get me one of them," Wedge ordered, venom in his voice. "Just get me one of them."
While Rogue Squadron went after the horde from the south side, the other side of the army was busy bringing down the All of My What. The carrier's damaged engines belched smoke and fire, desperate to propel the ship away from the zebras pulling it to the ground. Dozens of ropes were wrapped around her hull, using the ship's ring configuration to anchor their hooks and spears as they pulled in unison. The vessel almost resembled some kind of harpooned sea creature struggling to escape. The zebras chanted, a single chorus of "Harambee!" as they pulled their prey down. They weren't focused on their flank... or anything else above them, for that matter.
Magic Gear Knight rocketed above the zebras, propelled by the MY-Wing fused to her back. She flew through the zebras' ropes, causing the zebras who were pulling in teams to get whipped and launched with their own lines as they held on. As they scrambled to reform, Knight grabbed the rim of the All of My What's bow. Bracing herself on the inside of the ring, she aimed her thrusters towards the ground and carried the ship higher. The few zebras that were hanging on gradually fell off as the ship gained altitude.
"Remind me to thank Daring Do," Gust said, more relieved than words could say. "Now, put us on a direct course back for Fort Jerk and get us-*KOOOOM*. Gust and his crew were rocked as the bridge abruptly tilted and shook. The All of My Rage suddenly pitched sideways as something exploded underneath it.
"Okay... what in the hell is it NOW?" Multiple explosions began shaking the ship, vibrating from the underside all the way to the bridge at the top.
Dan, Twilight and the gang burst into the bridge. "NUGGETS! Your toilet ships are getting blasted out of the sky!" Dan bellowed.
"You think I don't know that?!"
"They're using some kind of explosives!" Twilight said. "They might even be using some of our own bombs that didn't detonate!"
"No," Blast Fuse said. "We made those bombs."
"They did their job," Blast Powder added.
"We either have to get out of range, get them to stop firing or keep the ship together until we're away," Phoenix said, another blast rocking the ship as he said so. "Could you shield the carriers, Twilight?"
She shook her head. "Not against zebras. Their spears have always been able to break shields, though we're not sure how."
"What about a Fluffle shield?" Chrys said, waving her hoof high. "We could make a fluffy repulsion shield-thingy like we did when Gust's ship tried to hit the treehouse."
Dan slid over to her. "You need some sugar to make that work, sweetheart?"
Chrys looked slyly back at him. "Make it work like magic, babe." They kissed... deeply, drawing eyes form everypony on the bridge. Even Fluffle Puff's jaw hit the deck. Gust simply removed his glasses and said, "Nice."
"Shipping! That's confirmed, we have shipping!" one of the griffons said.
"And the ship we're on is still sinking!" Twilight said. "If we're going to do this, we need to do it now!"
Dan nodded, slowly letting go of his mare friend. "Show those zebras our style of security, baby! You got this, Chrys!"
She had been waiting for what felt like several eternities to hear those words. She smiled and said, "You know I will," and held onto Twilight and Fluffle Puff. Phoenix quietly gave a pair of bits to Blast Fuse and Blast Powder for losing the bet of who would get shipped first: Spike and Rarity or Dan and Chryssie.
The three mares held each other, horns and fluff glowing with ethereal magical auras. The auras grew out of the bridge, covering every surface in warm, fuzzy light. The three carriers then suddenly became engulfed in magic pink fluff. The explosions stopped rocking the ship; the zebras' weapons were now rebounded off the walls of thick, pink puffiness.
"Hey... hey, it worked!" Spike yelled.
"Of course it worked!" Dan yelled back. "The power of love always works! Just ask Huey Lewis. Nothing can get through our puff-powered protective barriers!"
The ship's alarms began wailing. And the bridge began to tilt again.
Gust looked at a single display by the helm. "Yeah, nothing can get through- including our propulsion! The engines just shutdown!!"
"STOP THE SHIELDS! STOP THE-" The carriers began to plummet, except for the What which was still being held up by Knight. But the other two, towing each other, began to descend rapidly. They all screamed as gravity shifted and they slid and slammed into the back of the wall.
"I TAKE IT BACK!" Dan shouted. "THE POWER OF LOVE IS GOING TO KILL US! I HATE THESE TOILET SEAT SHIPS!!!"
"DEPLOY FLAPS!!" Gust yelled. "Restart the reactor! NOW!!"
Falling right out of the sky and dropping some amount of picnic supplies behind them, the ships continued to plummet. The fluff around them abruptly vanished, leaving the carriers very unprotected as they neared the surface.
"Reactor's online... engage engine, now!" The All of My Rage and All of My Yes behind it pulled up just in time, brushing the ground with their engines' thrust. Leveling out, the much-labored ships reached stable flying once again.
"Gonna... gonna have to come up with a strategy or something... for ships," Dan said, picking himself up off the floor.
"We bounced a train car last time we did that," Chrys said, rubbing her horn. "I don't think this ship could've taken the same amount of punishment, though."
"That and we need it to keep flying," Twilight added.
"Well," Spike straightened out his tail, "at least we lost the-*KAKOOOOM*" The ship was blasted again, explosives hitting the top this time. At a lower altitude, the zebras were now able to chuck their exploding spears at the ship's upper hull and bridge.
Gust spun around. The zebras were now riding each other toward their ships; the rider using both hooves to throw explosive spears while the mounted one held a shield in his muzzle. "Son of a finch... these guys don't give up!"
"Neither do we!" Dan declared. He ran up to the window.
"Please don't moon them," Phoenix said.
"They have spears, Nicky. Even I'm not gonna risk taking a rod where the sun don't shine to make a point."
A silence filled the room for just a moment. Everypony turned to Chrys, expecting her to say something.
"Well?" Twilight asked.
"What?"
"You just heard what he said," Spike said.
Chrys looked back at her accusers. "Yeah, and?"
"You... don't have anything to add?" Phoenix asked. They all looked puzzled at her.
But the changeling queen simply smiled, very satisfied. "Nah, I'm good. My baby's got this."
Twilight almost looked baffled. The only one of them that wasn't surprised was Fluffle Puff. "When did this happen?" Twilight asked herself. And she quietly thought, And when is it going to happen to me?
"HEY DOUCHEBAGS!" Dan yelled. "I bet you can't hit-" A spear flew at him but he expertly dodged and grabbed it. "HaHA! I got one of your sticks now! What're you going to do about that?!" A shield hit him in the head like a frisbee. Dan closed the window, rubbing his forehead.
"I got one of their sticks... the hard way," Dan said. "So we can like... study it now, and stuff."
"That's actually brilliant," Twilight said, as the bridge shook again.
"But it doesn't help our current situation!" Gust yelled, holding onto the helm for dear life. "We still have to find a way to get them to stop shooting us or we're going down in flames!!"
"Hey... where are the blast twins?" Phoenix asked, looking around. They were gone from the bridge. But a quick examination revealed the door to the stairwell was open.
"Thpppt!" Fluffle yelled, pointing out the window to the deck. They all joined her, lining up to see.
"HEY!" Dan yelled, "What are you guys doing?!"
"It's too dangerous out there!!" Twilight shouted.
"We know what we're doing!" the sisters yelled. Just like Chrys, Twilight and Fluffle had done moments ago, the two mares held each other. They both began to glow a golden light, almost like a miniature sun igniting on the deck of the ship. Light from the two ponies bathed every corner and crevice of the ship and began glowing brighter and brighter. When it became almost too bright to look at, they exploded.
Dan and the others, even Gust and his crew were all momentarily blinded by the flash of light. When they looked back again, there was a shining earth pony standing on the deck.
Former Enclave Demolitions Specialist Major Summer The Lost Officer
"Who... or what is that?" Gust asked.
"We can't maintain this form for long," the new pony said.
"You... you just freaking fused together!" Dan yelled at "her." "That's from like... Dragon Ball Z or something!"
The glowing mare smiled at him. "No... not quite." Without warning, she jumped into the air, leaping high above the bridge and landing on top of it.
"What are you guys doing?!?!" they all yelled underneath them.
"I've never seen any kind of magic like this," Twilight said.
"We're doing what we need to," she said, and jumped again.
As the gold mare flew through the sky, her fiery mane and tail blazed a trail behind her, like a rocket launching into the sky. Small flares, tiny embers and sparks scattered behind her, lighting the space between her and the carrier. She leapt above the horde of zebras and then tucked her legs in, making herself into a cannon ball and dropped towards them.
The zebras stopped firing as the new pony descended on them. Some of them looked up, thought the sun was falling to the surface. And it might as well have. Wind was sucked into the center of the mass just as soon as the mare contacted with the center of the army. An explosion, like a supernova erupted over the zebras and expanded to bath them all in boiling red fire. Shockwaves turned their weapons into splinters, then to ashes, then to particles of matter as the explosion expanded outward.
The blast hit the carriers but did not burn them. Instead, it propelled them on a cushion of force that pushed them far and away from the glowing ball of fire behind them. Dan and the others couldn't help but watch, wondering what had happened. What had become of Blast Fuse and Blast Powder? Had they sacrificed themselves to keep their friends safe?
"Lockdown all sections," Gust ordered. "We're heading home." The three carriers flew away from the large crater that had emerged in the battlefield. No matter what had happened, today had been a loss.
At the center of the crater, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder lay on their bellies, facing each other. They lifted their heads up from the ground.
"We... we did it!"
"We did..." Powdy rubbed her neck. "At let's... never do that again."
"Or at least practice before we do it next time."
"Yeah..." They looked around. The zebras seemed to have been destroyed, finally. "Now we just have to get back to Dan's base."
"Yeah... but at least we won't have to worry about the zebras," Fusey said. But then, the ground beneath them started to shake.
Philosopher's Station, Equestrian Upper Atmosphere Somewhere above Equestria, exact coordinates unknown During Dan's attack on Halberd Base
It was unknown to all but a few of the most powerful members in all of Equestria. Even the Director herself had never set hoof on the immense platform called the "Philosopher's Station." But once every year, the most powerful, the most prominent and the most influential of individuals in all of Equestria met there to discuss for an hour their plans for the future. Traditionally, it had always been hosted by Princess Celestia and Luna. Today, however, Equestria was represented by Princess Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Chrys and Fluffle Puff.
While Dan had left to take the fight to the Enclave, Mayor Mare had dropped by the house to inform Twilight of the annual meeting. Specifically, the summit had been moved to today for reasons the mayor had not been disclosed to. Because of the Crystal Empire's recent reappearance, they had not yet received total recognition of sovereignty over the lands they controlled, mostly because of the zebras. Although there was no doubt they would eventually(because even in this timeline, the Equestria Games would be held at least once in the CE), they were still unable to send their own representatives to the conference. That, and Shining Armor and Cadence were busy rebuilding their own Miranda-class cruiser and didn't want to go.
"Okay... we can do this," Twilight said. "It's just one meeting. One teensy, tiny little meeting and then we'll be back on track." The meeting was the closest thing to a G8 summit in Equestria. It was important to make sure the leaders of the world remained united, as much as possible.
"Wow, Twilight, look at this place!" Spike said, perched on her back. "It's like a super secret Cloudsdale nopony knows about!"
"I think that's the point," Chrys said, looking around herself. She was still using her magic to impersonate Dan to give anyone watching them the impression that Dan hadn't left Twilight's side. Not only that, she had donned Dan's royal guard armor to further cement that fact. It was also good to cover up her transformed form as much as she could, since she was still not quite able to fully transform into a human to a perfect match.
"Thppp-thppp thppp thbbbb thbbbl thpp thbbb," Fluffle said in a low raspberry. This is nothing like Cloudsdale. It's cold, it's hard, there's no rainbows or anything soft. This place sucks.
The Philosopher's Station was made entirely out of a material that was almost completely transparent. The walls, floor and ceiling were all nearly invisible to the naked eye except for their partly translucent edges, colored blue in spaces to help others see and navigate. It was cold, as was the case with high-altitude locations but it the station was concealed in a cloud so the sun couldn't get through.
"Aww, it'll be okay, Fluffle," Chrys said, patting her with a gloved hand. "We'll be finished soon and then we'll go some place fluffier, okay?"
"*Gasp!* Thbbbb!!" Yayyyy!
"So, why are we here again?" Spike asked. "I thought a summit was supposed to be on top of a mountain."
"This is a different kind of summit, Spike. It's an annual meeting between the leaders of Equestria's largest nations, the heads of government," Twilight explained.
"Ohhh..." Spike said, nodding while lounging on his friend's back. "And we can't just have a conference call or something because...?"
Twilight groaned. "Because this is a meeting with the leaders of the world, Spike. It's extremely sensitive to bring so many influential figures together- so many different backgrounds, different countries in the same place at the same time. Showing up in person demonstrates to the others that being here, that the meeting and what we decide here is important."
Chrys nodded and chuckled. "Heh, yeah. And it would really suck if one of the world leaders had bad reception and disconnected during the call."
"It's important to meet with them. To be here," Twilight said, affirming it to herself as much as to her friends. "To show them that we're still united even if the princesses aren't here right now. Equestria still stands."
She sounded so sure of herself. Resolute. It wasn't anything Twilight had learned from the princesses, from any pony in Equestria, not even the other Mane Six. She had learned it from Dan.
Chrys looked over to her. Despite the fact she was almost an exact duplicate of Dan at the moment, Twilight had more in common with the human than she did. "How... how do you know? That Equestria's still standing?"
Twilight's eyes were fixed forward. "Because we're still standing," she said, and marched on.
Even the conference room of the Philosopher's Station was hidden from view. Mirrors built around it made so it was impossible to find unless you followed the glowing markings on the floor, which disappeared after you passed over them. Twilight and company followed them through the maze from her balloon they'd used to get there until finally, they reached a set of doors. They opened automatically.
"-to do? The fringe settlements are actually in a better position to..." the goat representative trailed off. Slowly, all eyes in the room turned to Twilight and the others. There were no ponies, no security guards or anything else in the room. There was a long table, a set of matching chairs and the leaders of the free world. And they all looked at Twilight, Chrys, Fluffle and Spike.
"Um... hi?" Twilight said. She elbowed "Dan" in the side.
"Princess Twilight who?" the donkey representative asked.
"Eh, Twilight Sparkle," Twilight said for herself. She took the seat nearest to her and nearest to the exit and the doors closed behind them.
"I'm sorry," the goat said, looking at her inquisitively. "I must've missed the coronation."
"It was... kind of a short one," Twilight said, not knowing what else to say. "But in the um... absence... of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna I have... come to represent Equestria. Here. Today," she said nervously.
They all stared at here in near-bewilderment. Twilight swallowed in response and Chrys noticed it. This was the Twilight she knew, the one that did her best to live up to Celestia's expectations. She slowly began to melt under the pressure, something Chrys had deep sympathy for. Without her friends, without her mentor, Twilight was fighting her fears and worries just to be in this room. Twilight was a very strong mare, she just didn't fit well in the role she was trying to play. But play it she did anyway.
Chrys put a hand on her shoulder. She grabbed it back with just the faintest aura of her magic.
"You'll forgive my skepticism," the goat said. "Princess Luna and Celestia have always directed these meetings themselves. I assure you, we placed the utmost confidence in them."
"I honestly don't see why you're here," the donkey rep said, a thick Russian-accented mule.
Across from her, a bearded zebra gestured with his hoof. "Premier Stow has a point, I'm afraid," he said. "The pretenses of the summit specifically prohibit anyone but the official leaders of the represented nations from being here."
"That is correct," the donkey, Premier Stow said, leaning forward. "And how are we to know you're even a valid representative of Equestria? I don't recall Celestia informing us of a new addition to the royal family."
The goat leaned forward, stroking his own beard. "They've only ever sent Miss Luna and Miss Tia before... this is quite strange, indeed."
"Well, um..." Twilight rubbed the back of her neck like Phoenix. "These are strange times, you see. Things are-"
"I think we should suspend the meeting," a manticore said. "Under the circumstances, I feel a postponement is entirely appropriate," she said. However, she looked as though she was only half-paying attention in the first place: she kept glancing under the table at some kind of older, portable television. "Oh, come on! What kind of call is that?!"
"I think we move for postponement," the zebra said, beginning to stand.
Twilight was sweating bullets. She seemed to shrink into the chair, away from what she was facing. "P-please... I know this isn't how things usually go but we need to-"
"I move for a dismissal," Premier Stow said.
"Agreed," the zebra nodded. "Unless Equestria can come up with a representative with an actual claim, then I move for-"
"I'll endorse her," a voice said.
Twilight looked up. Suddenly, the entire room was silent.
"I'll endorse Princess Twilight's claim," the voice said again.
The manticore, Premier Stow and the zebra rep all rolled their eyes. "Of course, it had to be you, didn't it?"
"Can we get through one thing without some kind of interloping by you?"
"Now, now," the goat said. "She is a member here and has a valid claim. Her endorsement stands."
"Heh, thanks for that, Vex," the voice said again. A taloned claw reached to grab the glass sitting in the middle of the table.
A green griffon leaned forward in her chair at the opposite end of the table. "Defense Minister Grasp, United Griffon Coalition," she responded. She looked over at Twilight and smiled. "You can just call me Gale, sweetie."
Spike, still situated on Twilight's back, leaned over to see the new griffon. "Did... you just say..."
"Gale Grasp?" Chrys and Twilight both repeated. "You wouldn't happen to be related to...?"
Gale sipped from her glass again. "Yeah, yeah, that feather duster you picked up is my husband. Not the sharpest claw but he helped pay for Gilda's schooling so I can't fault him that much."
Chrys looked over to Twilight. "Did she just say-"
UGC Defense Minister, Pirate's Wife(and commanding officer) Gale Grasp Girls Just Wanna Have Total Tactical Superiority
"At any rate, is that good enough for ya?" Gale asked the other reps. "Can we get on with this now?"
The three disgruntled reps, all on the same side of the table and next to each other, slumped in defeat. The least disappointed one had been the zebra, who was also the only one of them who responded. "Very well. Let us continue."
"I feel it would be appropriate if the new arrivals were brought up to speed, as they say," the goat said.
"Right, well, it's no secret why we're here," Gale said. "The whole world's in crisis, on the brink of collapse. And we're here talking about it. Since you know me, I guess I'll introduce the rest," she said, standing. "This is Vizier Vintage, advisor to to the mountain goat clans."
The bearded goat bowed his head. "Charmed to meet you, your majesty." He was adorned in jewelry though none of it was made out of precious stones. Goats were a very spiritualistic society, believing firmly in prophecies of the future.
"And across the table is Premier Stow, Vice President Brass Tacks and King Zonal, of Donquestria, the Manticore Province and Zebra Kingdom respectively." The zebra raised his glass, the donkey gave a single nod and the manticore continued cheering her favorite football team.
Gale walked around the room on her back talons, goblet in one claw. "Usually, the conference is during the summer, in June but we moved it up given the gravity of the situation. The Saddle Arabians and buffalo usually sent their own representatives, too but... well, you can guess why they couldn't this time. Whole world's going to shit, pardon the expression, and we're here to try and stop it from making the plunge."
"Environmental disasters, destabilization of society, destruction of communities, rogue elements taking charge... the list goes on," the zebra said.
Premier Stow shuffled in his seat. He folded his hooves against his chest. "Someone or something has been manipulating all of us, including this new Vice Grip individual. All over the world, our communities, cities and settlements are being destabilized and beset upon by different disasters and our ability to remedy and render aid to them is being actively crippled."
Twilight's mouth worked for a moment. "So it's not just in Equestria..."
"The stuff that's been happening to Ponyville has been happening all over the world?" Chrys asked.
Vintage nodded. "More or less, I'm afraid. It started a few months ago when a corporation started purchasing up land, building these things called "Stables" underground. First, they started construction and then this Vice Grip character began talking about protecting our countries from... aggressive neighbors."
"Some of us accepted Vice's inventions, innovations and systems."
"T.v's get good reception," Brass commented, still glued to her handheld.
"But we all said no to his Sword Spell things," Gale explained. "Each one of us declined using his weapons... and that's when things started breaking down."
"We had twenty-six trains derail in two weeks. No indication of the cause," Stow said.
"Seventy percent of our farms' crops have dried up for no reason," the manticore, Brass Tacks said. She had finally turned off her handheld. "We're uh, we're facing a famine, heheh. So, I'm kinda trying to take my mind off the... biggest disaster my country's ever faced."
"The mountain goats have had mine collapses, the zebras have had rivers dry up and as for us griffons, Griffonstone's surrounded by a hurricane that won't move," Gale said. She downed her beverage in a single gulp. "Things are tough all over."
"John Cafferty," Spike nodded.
"This is all terrible," Twilight said. "I know that Princess Celestia..." she trailed off. She didn't know what Celestia would do. What either her or her sister or... or anypony would do. She liked to think they would come up with something she couldn't see for herself, a solution that would brilliantly and perfectly fix all their problems at once. Like magic. But as she sat there, surrounded by reality, no one solution came to her. Celestia wasn't there.
She looked up into Chrys's eyes, just for a moment. Chrys looked back at her and gave her a single, firm nod. It was what Dan would've done if he had been there. She was his friend, they were all friends and no matter what, they stood together wherever they were. She knew what Dan would say.
"We will work on these problems," Twilight said, resolute. "Right now, we're trying to track down Vice Grip to stop whatever he's causing and prevent it from spreading. Equestria will send what aid we can to the affected areas and I encourage you all to do the same with each other."
"Equestria still has armed forces?" Premier Stow asked. "I thought that all the royal guards had gone to Saddle Arabia with Tia and Lulu."
"We still have some... private forces in reserve," Twilight gesturing to "Dan" beside her. "We're slowly recovering from an insurrection but we have every indication that we will be stable soon."
"That's right!" Chrys said, trying to sound like Dan. "We're going to find those... meanies and um... kick their... butts?"
That remark drew a couple raised eyebrows but for the most part, they bought it. Dan and other humans were already strange enough to them that none of them understood his behavior enough to begin with. "Your enthusiasm is impressive, Captain Dan," Vintage said.
"It's good to know your kingdom is still protected," King Zonal added. He leaned forward to speak directly to Twilight and the Equestrian reps. "I must apologize for the actions of General Zeal. I can tell you he is not sanctioned by the rest of the zebras but... we are not able to recall him or his forces. I'm terribly sorry," he said. He looked at her with sincere eyes, the kind that offered condolences but also hope. He had the eyes of a king.
"Wait a minute..." Spike said, peeking over Twilight's head. "If you're the king, why can't you make him stop? Um... I mean, your majesty?"
Zonal smiled softly. "I'm afraid I'm not quite the 'king' your princesses are," he said. "The Emperor has most of the power in the Zebra Kingdom. Over... foreign affairs, anyway."
"Ah..." Spike said, lowering his claw. The Zebra Kingdom had a troubled history with religion. Instead of practicing a direct separation of church and state, the zebras divided their country between church and state. The King was the official ruler as chosen by the Zebra Houses, direct descendants of the original zebra tribes that settled the kingdom. But the Emperor was chosen by popular vote and dealt with foreign policy. Because the original zebra tribes had fought over religion many times in the past, most zebras were against forms of faith, limiting the powers of the king to sway popular opinion. It was difficult to convince zebras of your true colors: they only saw in black-and-white.
"And unfortunately, we're not here to discuss the actions of the rogues," Gale said, standing at the head of the table. "We're here because our nations are collapsing. And we have to do something about it. Now."
Twilight leaned forward, one of the first times she actually mimicked another ruler. "But... none of us can really do that much. We're all in disarray because of what's happened, we don't have much resources. What can we do?"
The room was quiet again. They all looked at each other, the other leaders. Their eyes met one another individually, each checking the others' responses. "There is... one resource that we all here have. And we have a lot of it."
"Hold on," Stow raised his hooves, "We're not seriously going to invite her into this, are we? I mean, obviously she can't make a decision."
"She has endorsement by the griffons," Vintage said. "As a representative, she has the right to see it."
"Wait, see what?" Twilight asked.
"This is ridiculous," Stow fired back. "You've always shown the ponies favoritism, Vinny!"
"That is not true," Vintage said back, voice calm. "Celestia and not the only ponies who represent Equestria, just as you and I are not the only representatives of our countries."
Twilight, Chrys, Spike and Fluffle both looked around the room. "It sounds like they're talking about some kind of big secret..." Chrys whispered.
"Excuse me," Twilight raised her hoof. "But, what is it we have a right to see?"
They all exchanged glances again. King Zonal, the one who was more uncertain the others, looked to Gale. She gave him a single nod. He nodded twice in return.
"It was Luna's idea, a long time ago," Gale said. She began walking around the table again, back towards Twilight and Chrys. "A way to keep us all together."
"Our nations are beset upon by a lot of things. Problems, major conflicts, disasters, things always go wrong," King Zonal said.
"When we work together, we are stronger. And together, we can overcome any obstacle," Brass said.
"But one problem... often leads to another," Vintage said, twiddling his beard. "It can be difficult to try and fix things when they keep breaking."
"And it affects our communities, the people who make up our countries most of all," Stow said. "When communities get hurt, they start looking for others to blame. This causes fighting, infighting which divides us even further. Instead of trying to fix what went wrong, we hunt for someone to blame, which hurts us further. This fighting can destroy communities, destroy countries... it makes the whole system collapse."
"Hope," Gale said. "It's the one thing that every problem hits and takes more of, the one commodity, the one resource that we can't measure. And if we lose it, we won't get anything accomplished." The griffon walked around to where Twilight was sitting and drew her talon along the length of the center of the table. "So, Luna came up with a plan a long time ago. When things get darkest, we need a way to restore hope. She came up with a way."
The table separated in the center, a secret panel parted to reveal a hidden compartment underneath.
"I feel like we're about to hear about some kind of secret weapon," Dan said.
Gale smiled. "Sort of." From the secret compartment, a platform rose up. On it was a scroll, not unlike the letters Twilight wrote to Celestia. The letters she still wrote to Celestia. The griffon took the scroll with both her claws and handed it to Twilight.
The alicorn unfurled it carefully. On it was a list of names, numbers, dates. It was a record of some kind. "Griffonstone... New Castletown... Lockdown Town, Keylake, Berryberg, Promise Point, Guageglade, Hollowdale," Twilight said, reading the list. "These are all cities."
"Cities. Towns. Civilizations. Every community that ever existed on the globe," Gale said. "This is the Philosopher's Charity."
A Buckton of Money The Philosopher's Charity The literal Wealth of Nations
"Philosopher's Charity?" Twilight repeated, looking at the list. "I... I don't understand."
"When things get darkest, the leaders of the free world... us, this time, come together in a backroom like this," Gale said, gesturing around them. "When our world is threatened, when our nations seem on the brink of collapse, we come together to pin our hopes on a single project."
"Just as Princess Celestia turns to you and the Elements of Harmony, so do the leaders of every nation turn to one hope. That hope is the Philosopher's Charity," Vintage said.
"We cannot control much, admittedly," Stow said. "We may have control over some of our countries' resources but not the people, not everything. But what we do control, we combine for greater effect. Everything we have, we pool."
"In this room, we pick a project- usually a city- the largest and most-needed source of help, of aid, of assistance that we can find," Zonal said.
"It can be a small community- town, village, or even a family. Some place and some group that's been affected by whatever's causing the problem. And we devote every last bit we can spare to them," Brass said.
"We find the problem, the source of the conflict," Vintage said, as if remembering back to ages past. "We find the place where rejuvenation can make the biggest impact. And then, we give them all the help we can."
"More than enough, in most cases," Gale said. "It creates such a resounding impact that it becomes national news. Individuals and downtrodden beings, driven to the depths of despair look to this source as light. It restores their hope."
"You come together to start a... a huge community project," Twilight said, holding the list in her hooves. "Instead of fighting each other, you work towards a common goal."
They all nodded. "The global community is a fragile thing," Stow said. "Without hope, even the most cooperative of nations falls apart. You know how many rivalries there are in this world? If the government doesn't give people hope, a million proxy wars would erupt overnight. Things usually forgiven, smoothed over instead become major problems. Neighbors suspect neighbors, diversity and integration become undone, the cracks in our union which the government repairs... begin to cause us to divide. It is up to us bring our people together with hope."
"We amass sums of money," Gale said. "Once we've decided on the project, we collect money from taxes. Corporate taxes, sales taxes, income taxes, a percentage of every transaction, everything sold across the globe. A bit from every dusty convenience store tray, a crystal shard from every broken donations jar, the coins you lose in the payphone or the money eaten by the vending machine. It is all collected."
"We collect a vast sum of wealth," Vintage said. "An unbelievable, unfathomable sum of money. Money enough to build another planet... another Equestria."
"We get this money and then we throw it at the problem. We devote everything, every cent, every bit to helping one group of people, the people that need it most," Zonal said. "It's the biggest investment in history and we do it all to get hope," he smiled. "Fortunately, we've always seen good returns on that investment."
Gale held the record in Twilight's hooves. "This list documents every transaction made. From every bank and every bank account across the world, the amount of money used. It is the blood, sweat and tears of every living creature on this planet turned into a single source. An energy, one that we use to make progress. To get things restarted."
"So, what's the problem?" Chrys asked.
They were all silent again. This time, they didn't exchange glances. It seemed they all knew how they felt about this one. "We've never considered giving it to Ponyville before," Vintage said, somberly.
"Oh...," Twilight said. The thought of Ponyville being the subject of a massive charity project hit home with her, in no small part because it was her actual home. So many feelings hit her at once: is there a town out there that needs it more? Ponyville can't be that bad off... can it?
Gale cupped her claws around Twilight's hooves. "Equestria has never needed the money. Until now. There's been a lot of conflicts, as you can read but Equestria's always been the place that helped. Never the place that needed the help."
"You're sure we need the help?" Chrys asked.
They all nodded. "You've got the biggest armies in the world bearing down on you and a maniac that wants to nuke you off the face of the Earth. Not only that, your leaders are gone. With respect, there was no contest, not much uncertainty and zero dispute," Stow said. "Even from me."
Gale slowly closed Twilight's hooves together, folding the paper. "You take it with you, honey."
She looked up at the griffon. "You want us to keep it?" She didn't know what to say, what to do. It felt like she held the weight of the world in her hooves.
"That parchment is magic," Zonal said. "Any name, any place you put on it will receive the wealth of nations."
"Question," Spike raised his claw, "what if we make a mistake? What if we write someone else's name or misspell something or-"
The world leaders answered him simultaneously say, "DON'T." The dragon lowered his hand.
"You want us to take it home with us?" Chrys asked. "Why can't we just put a name down here?"
"The leader of the community has to sign it, so that would be your Mayor Mare. Once they do, the money will appear in their account along with other appropriate resources. The Philosopher's Charity will then teleport back to its position here," Gale explained, getting up and walking back to her seat, glass in claw. "Just make sure you don't lose it."
"O...kay," Twilight nodded, rolling up the scroll. "I thank you, all of you for this very generous gift. This is, well, it's a lot to take in but I..." Chrys put her hand on her shoulder. Spike and Fluffle embraced her that moment as well. "We are all extremely grateful for your help and cooperation. I hope we can meet like this in the future for the betterment our world and everyone in it again."
Gale raised her glass and grinned. "I'll drink to that."
"To the Philosopher's Charity!" Glasses clinked, the leaders drank and Twilight and the others departed.
The walk back to Twilight's balloon was filled with the same uncertainty as they had when they'd arrived, except that there was more of it this time. Instead of wanting to put their best hooves forward, now they were wondering what direction they should even start walking towards.
Chrys was still in her Dan form. "So... what do you think Ponyville will do with all the dough?"
"I vote we don't involve Blueblood. Or the Flim Flam Bros.," Spike commented.
Twilight looked down through the transparent floor. Even if the very floor beneath her hooves was clear, it was surrounded by the thick clouds of uncertainty. Maybe an accurate metaphor for her current situation. "I'm not entirely sure this is even how we should be doing things."
"Didn't they say that this was Luna's idea or something?"
"Yeah," Spike nodded. "They said the princesses have been doing this for a long time. They must know what they're doing."
"Maybe," Twilight shrugged.
"You're not going to tear up that list, are you?" Chrys asked, still in Dan's voice. It was almost as if the human had asked her himself.
And Twilight didn't answer right away. She thought long about her response. "I could do what they want... I could rip up the list...," she nodded to herself. "I don't think this is a decision any one pony can make, not even any small group of ponies. If we can do some good with it, we will." She decided.
"I guess even an uncertain future is one worth investing in," Chrys said. None of them disagreed. The Equestrian diplomatic party, the last to arrive and the first to leave, departed the secret summit and headed back to a place where charity didn't need to be hidden.
Appleloosa-Ponyville Transit Zone, thirty-five kilometers east of Ponyville Train Station En Route to Royalist-captured military base "Fort Jerk"(formerly Halberd Base)
When the fleet had departed from Fort Jerk just that morning, it had done so as a formation of three well-equipped and fully-armed griffon carriers, several flights of captured Flutterbirds and three full wings of combined griffon and pegasus squadrons. Now, as the fleet returned, two of the carriers were actually being carried, all but a few of the Flutterbirds had been destroyed and the squadrons of pegasi and griffons were either incapacitated, too injured to fly or staying onboard to look after the wounded. Not a single one of them risked flying again for fear that the zebras' spears might still somehow find them.
The bridge of the All of My Rage was somber after the battle. The griffons took to repairing the terminals and consoles while Gust oversaw them. Twilight and the others helped where they could but there was little they could do. Chrys, Fluttershy and Fluffle held each other while the griffons tended to their damaged ships and wounded squadrons. Dan's armada had gone from a proud statement of Equestria's bravery to a rather ironic warning of Zen Zeal's power. And they all knew it.
"Hey... does anyone else think it's kind of ironic? Carrier being carried?" Phoenix asked.
"Yeah, Nicky, we can read," Chrys said, muzzle resting on Fluffle's as she "thpppd" quietly in her lap.
"Why is the next scene in black and white?" Spike asked.
"Because I'm doing a Disney reference!" Dan said, spinning the ship's wheel. "Look at me! I'm Steamboat Danny!" He whistled, blew the trio of whistles atop the bridge and behaved in a manner akin to early cartoons. "C'mon, guys, cheer up!"
"Sorry Dan," Twilight said, her head in her hooves. "I guess we're not really in the mood for fourth wall humor."
"Yeah... I know what you mean," Dan said, removing the large, black button-like eyes he'd been wearing and wiping off the monochrome filter. "But hey, this is the part I'm good at."
"What do you mean?" Phoenix asked. "You mean you're good at dealing with defeat?" (I wish I was... then I probably wouldn't have to reload a save every time my Psyche-Guage hit empty.)
"Of course I am! You know that!" Dan said enthusiastically. "This is what I'm best at!"
"Ohhhh," Chrys said, nodding. "I get it; you weren't good at making the first strike against the zebras but you've got the advantage now because you're retaliating. Because you're good at revenge."
"Exactly, baby, thank you."
Chrys smiled. "I've spent enough time secretly transformed as you that I should be able to get you at this point."
Dan smiled back. "Gonna ignore how creepy that is. But yes, I am the BEST at revenge. It's a scientifically proven fact."
"Uhhhh..."
"Look," he held up the zebra spear, "we have this now. We figure out how they... essentially broke our entire fleet with these and then we can break them. Break them back, I mean."
"They threw those things right into the barrels of our guns," Gust said, hovering over to them. "They hit the shells inside the chambers just before they fired, blowing up our turrets. Once our carriers' guns were destroyed, they started chucking them up and impaling our air forces inside our own kill box," he said, looking out the window of the bridge. "It's almost as if they used our own weapons... even our own tactics against us."
"It's not just that," Twilight said, getting up. "Our own attack didn't seem to do anything to them at all. After we dropped everything we had on them, they just got up."
"We hit them with everything we had, more or less," Phoenix remarked. "And then there was the Blasties and they somehow turned into a nuke..."
They all got a bit quieter as they remembered the Blast Sisters. The twin mares who had sacrificed themselves so their fleet could get away was a memory that was still fresh for all of them. None of them knew if they had survived or perished in the valorous act but they all knew that what Blast Fuse and Blast Powder did had probably saved their lives.
"There definitely seems to be some kind of magic at work here," Twilight said, examining the spear. "We don't have much in the way of information about Zen Zeal's battles."
"Heh, that's because he doesn't usually leave survivors," Gust said. "Zenny's reputation is well-earned, we know that now. Most of those he goes up against ain't ever heard from again."
"We survived, though. And we're gonna do more than survive because next time, we kick their black and white behinds!" Dan declared, raising the spear. He was eager to fight them again, even as he retreated from them. While they admired him, none of them shared his enthusiasm to such a degree at the moment.
"We need to find out as much as we can about Zen Zeal. Who fought him last, all of his battles, everything," Twilight said. "We didn't have time to research much but maybe if they take a while to... regenerate, we can mount a better defense when we face them next."
"Yes, R&D, that's what we need!" Dan agreed, a delightfully maniacal glint in his eyes. "We'll reverse-engineer their spears. We'll make them... tridents or something. Upgrade and outclass their asses and beat them at their own game!"
Twilight levitated the spear back down to the ground. "We'll figure out something. In the meantime, we need to take care of our wounded pegasi and griffons, fix the ships."
"Most of the damage was superficial, even to the squads. It would've been a lot worse if we hadn't got out of there but as is, they didn't target any critical systems," Gust said. "It was like they were specifically trying not to kill us, which is tough to do with freaking spears. At any rate, we should be able to get everything and everyone patched up once we've landed."
"They didn't target any... what did you call them again?" Spike asked.
"Critical systems, you know- the engines, primary hull, the bridge or the reactor. And with the accuracy they were chucking these toothpicks, it seems like they definitely had the ability to do so," Gust said, patting the helm. "If they had attacked the engines or something, our goose would've been cooked. Explosion from any one of these carriers would've been enough to roast the others, making them all go nova. But they just hit the guns and while they did cause a lot of damage, it was mostly contained. The only threat was if the fires got out of control and once we got them out, there wasn't really a problem. Should be able to fix everything pretty easily."
"It almost... it almost sounds like..." Chrys rubbed her chin.
"Like what?"
"Like they want us to fight them again," Phoenix finished for them. "Like they're looking for a challenge."
"I'll give them a challenge," Dan said. "Beat every single last one of them until their stripes come off, skewer them with their own spears and shove those shields so far up there-"
"We're almost to the base," Gust announced. "So you can figure out where to shove what when we land."
Chrys wrapped her foreleg around Dan. "I can think of a few places."
Dan locked eyes with her, grinning. "I love it when you talk violent to me."
"Mmmm..."
"Uh... guys?" Twilight said, looking out the window. "You might want to take a look at this."
"What is it?" Dan asked, joining his friends as they lined up at the bridge's viewport.
"Oh... holy... crap..."
"Is it my base? Yeah, I have to admit, even I'm baffled by its awesomeness," Dan said. "Really outdid myself with this one. All the turrets, the traps, the security programs and all the..." he stopped when he saw his "base", Fort Jerk, as it came into view. "HIPPIES??!?!"
When Dan and the fleet had departed just this morning, Fort Jerk had been proudly emblazoned with Dan's iconic JERK symbols all over it. Banners, flags and pennants were all over the hexagonal structure, all displaying the word JERK in white spray-painted letters using the Enclave's "E" symbol as the E in JERK. There was even a small welcome mat at the makeshift entrance the Blasties had made when they broke into the base. The welcome mat had simply read: "Don't."
Now, the grand Fort Jerk was emblazoned with new symbols- mostly the "peace" symbol. The walls had been recolored from matte greene to vibrant shades of yellows, purples, blues, pinks and lighter greens and trees and foliage had seemingly sprouted out of the desert ground as if only moments ago. A massive tree had also grown through the base, using the destroyed rough where the air traffic control tower had fallen in as its breach. And around it, encircling the base was a wall... of hippie caravan wagons.
"What... why... how?!" Dan demanded.
"Oh, look!" Twilight said, pointing. "The hippies are back!"
"Back?!" Dan turned to her. "This is a regular occurrence? You have a hippie problem AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!?!"
"Hippie problem? What are you talking about?"
"Hippies!" Dan yelled. "Disgusting, freeloading, do-nothing, unwashed, unclean, get-high-and-eat-all-the-food-in-your-house hippies! The kind that vandalize and steal and... LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY BASE!!!" Even now, the music of the hippies was reaching them in their airships. Actually, it was Jefferson Airplane, which made sense because we referenced them in Episode 13. They were among those random ships in Gust's earlier fleet, the one that got shot down. You remember that? No? Well, they were there. Along with the Pepperidge Farm Remembers but it wasn't shot down because we're saving that one for later.
Twilight looked back. "Is that what hippies are like where you're from?"
"YES! I had one in my hometown and that guy was... well, he was there sometimes," Dan said, remembering Crunchy. "And even that was too much! He was always advocating some cause he felt strongly about or protesting or standing up for something he believed in!"
Chrys chuckled. "Well, if I could turn into a pot right now, you'd be a kettle and we'd both be my natural color."
"And the pot!" Dan said. "That accursed herb can turn even the skinniest guy into a human vacuum. I HAD TWELVE POP-TARTS, CHRIS! TWELLLLLVE! THEN I HAD NONE!!"
"Well... it sounds like you speak from experience," Twilight remarked. "But the hippies in Equestria are actually serve a crucial purpose to the kingdom."
"Oh crap," Dan said. "I feel like I'm about to get one of those world-building lessons where everyone's either gone or asleep afterward."
"Lesson or not, t's still a necessary purpose," Twilight continued. "Hippies in Equestria are ponies that choose not to live in towns. They're recognized under the charter as a nomadic community- anyone can join them if they travel and contribute to their group. The hippies are allowed certain exceptions so long as they perform additional duties like helping the environment and caring for the roads of Equestria. They improve the areas they travel to and Equestria's roads, beautifying and planting new trees and plants everywhere they go. They might be a bit odd but they're actually really beneficial. They care for parts of Equestria we don't always get to- the parts in between."
"Oh," Dan said. "I'll admit, that actually... wasn't that long and sounds pretty good. They're like a bunch of traveling environmentalists. And not the environmentally-challenged environmentalists, either."
"You mean the ones that still believe in climate changelings?" Chrys asked, rolling her eyes.
"We already did that joke. But yeah, I guess if they actually do all that stuff, they do sound alright," Dan said, rubbing his chin.
Twilight smiled. "Well, thanks, Dan. I am happy you're open minded when it comes to our culture, even if it's strange to you sometimes."
"And you forced us to celebrate Christmas instead of Hearth's Warming," Spike added.
Dan glared at the little dragon. "You celebrate both now thanks to me. You're welcome. And we still have one problem with this situation."
"What's that?"
The human picked up Twilight by the shoulders and yelled, "THEY'RE GETTING THEIR HIPPIE-CRAP ALL OVER MY BASE!!!!"
Indeed, Fort Jerk had been transformed into Camp Hippie, as one of its flags now displayed. So if you're keeping track, when the Enclave was in charge, it was called Halberd Base, then when Dan took over, he called it Fort Jerk, now a bunch of hippies had occupied it and were calling it Camp Hippie. We would've gone with Camp Marley or Woodstock Station but honestly, you can just keep going with the names on that one so you have to stop somewhere. And all the hippies have their own name for it anyway because... well, they're like that, you're gonna find out so you might as well keep it simple.
The hippies were mostly ponies, deer and even a few buffalo, griffons and goats. Many fillies, colts and kids from all groups played games outside of the ring of the base while other groups had formed the infamous drum, guitar, poetry and even interpretive dance circles that hippies commonly formed. Most of them had long manes and tails, more than a few were unkempt and most had floral arrangements either in their hair or on their bodies. But there was something even more distinctive and unique about them: they all wore clothes. Hats, glasses, shirts, pants of all kinds, jackets, there was an astronaut there for no gotdamn reason followed by Patton Oswalt and all the ponies and creatures were wearing clothes. Even the animals with them, two of which were tigers and one of which was an actual polar bear wearing a hawaiian shirt.
"SEE?!" Dan yelled, pointing. "They can't do that to my base!"
"By the way guys, we're landing," Gust said. "You think they'll think we're aliens?"
Dan looked blankly back at the griffon. "Someone wake up Tuxley, send him out there first."
The three carriers landed as best they could. Knight set the All of My What down at the same time the All of My Rage set the All of My Yes down in front of Dan's base. Finally, the All of My Rage, being the only airship left that could operate under its own power, landed in between its heavily damaged sisters, settling into the sand as gently as it could.
Although Dan and the others were used to the carriers by now, the hippies were not. As soon as the enormous ring-shaped aircrafts landed, the hippies panicked. Pony hippies, yak hippies, buffalo hippies, pony versions Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong, even a couple zebra and griffon hippies, they all panicked.
"ALIENS!! THE ALIENS ARE BACK!!"
"No man, it's the feds! HIDE THE WEED!!"
"Wait... what if it's both?"
"ALIEN FEDS!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES SLASH WEED!!!!!"
Or, at least half of them panicked. A good portion of the hippies were genuinely excited at the prospect of encountering extraterrestrial life and there were even some that celebrated the ships' arrival. Also, there were a bunch of them that were just too high to *squee*ing care. As the craft settled, there were very few hippies that dared approach them.
One of the ramps on the bow of the Rage lowered, light from within the vessel pouring out. A large silhouette appeared and stepped towards the ramp, an enormous shadow eclipsing the light. The hippies watched in awe as it came closer, closer. It grew larger in the doorway as more hippies gathered around, eager to see the first alien to set foot on Equestrian soil... that they knew of. Finally, the figure reached the edge of the ramp and they all saw who it really was.
It took the hippies a full moment to process their response. "THE ALIEN FEDS ARE DINOSAURS!!!"
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES SLASH WEED SLASH... LIVES!!"
"Oh, good heavens, aliens?" Tuxley said, looking around. He regarded the airships, including the one he just stepped out of and quickly took note of the hippies behavior. "I don't suppose you're referring to us?"
The hippies continued panicking. They frantically tried to hide, retreat into the base or hitch up their caravan wagons and run. Unfortunately, stoned and panicking were not good combinations so the few wagons that did try to flee only managed to drive a circle around the base, not realizing they weren't going anywhere.
Dan stepped out onto the ramp next to Tuxley. "Attention hippies!" he bellowed, "You will now vacate the premises or we will open fire!!"
"THEY'RE GONNA SHOOT THEIR DEATH RAYS AT US!!"
"RUN FASTER!!!!"
The announcement Dan made only served to further frighten them, causing the caravans to travel in a circle around the base faster. Spike and Fluffle Puff watched them like it was a NASCAR race.
Twilight and the others joined Dan and Tuxley at the edge of the ramp. "Dan, stop scaring the hippies."
"But they're on my base! MY BASE!"
"Babe, listen to Twilight," Chrys said, turning into Twilight. "She said to stop scaring the hippies. And remember; even though it is your base, we're still her guards."
"Fiiiine," Dan sighed. "They're still not authorized to be on our property. They showed up without warning and without an invitation."
"I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason they're here," Twilight reminded him. "So we're not going to simply shoot them for trespassing, not when they don't pose an immediate threat."
"We can't shoot them anyway," Gust said, flying down from over his ship's bow.
"Why is that, oh chicken-livered one?" Dan asked.
"All of the cannons and turrets are wrecked and even if we did have the guns, we don't have the ammo to use them," he said. "What shells and bombs we didn't use exploded when the guns did. With most of our fliers in the medbays, we're sitting ducks for the time being. Might need the hippies' help."
"I say, that may be more difficult a prospect than we realize," Tuxley said, pointing towards the hippies. He held up a pair of opera glasses. "It would appear most of them have taken up refuge within our stronghold. And a few of them outside seem to be attempting to disguise themselves with their bed clothes."
They all looked to see what he was talking about. Even from their distance, it was clear the hippies were trying to cover themselves with blankets, as if that was some kind of impenetrable defense. The caravan wagon pullers eventually got exhausted and came to a halt just in front of the base, stopping exactly where they'd started from and collapsing into the sand. Because cartoon irony.
"We just need to talk to them, explain things in a calm, rational manner," Twilight said.
"Would it help if I turned into Celestia?" Chrys asked, turning into Celestia.
"You could turn into Bob Marley. Or Jimi Hendrix. They'd probably love that," Dan said, chuckling.
"Or Bob Dylan," Phoenix commented.
"You're not helping," Twilight continued. "We'd only have to wind up explaining how any of those people got here."
"True," the two humans plus changeling said.
"We just need to explain what happened to whoever's in charge," Twilight said.
"Okay," Dan nodded. "Good idea. We'll find out who's responsible first."
"Alright," Twilight said, stepping forward. She stood on her hindlegs and waved her forelegs wide. "Attention hippies!!" she called out to them. The hippies, from wherever they were situated, looked to the purple alicorn. Hippies peaked out from under blankets, from behind doors and shutters inside the base and from their positions faced down in the sand. They all turned their eyes to Twilight Sparkle.
And Twilight said, "Take us to your leader!!!"
"..."
And for a moment, all was silent. Dan, Phoenix and all of Twilight's crew slowly rose their hands/hooves to their heads as they realized what she had just said. "Twilight?" Spike said.
"Um... what?"
"ALIENS!!"
"THE ALIENS ARE BACK AGAIN!!"
"I WON'T GET PROBED AGAIN! I WON'T!!"
"GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!!!"
And the hippies resumed panicking, running in circles and shivering under bedsheets. Twilight slowly lowered her legs and stood on all fours.
Dan patted her on the shoulder. "You managed to end the hippie movement by trying to make peace with them. Good job, Twilight."
"I don't think we'll be able to talk to any of them in this state," Phoenix said.
"What do we do now?" Chrys asked.
"Heh, they're hippies," Dan said.
"And what exactly does that mean?"
"They have a built-in reset button," Dan explained. "We go back inside the ship, wait fifteen minutes and come out again and they'll have forgotten all of this."
"That's... not a bad idea," Twilight admitted.
"Okay guys, back in the toilet ship, it's a do-over," Dan said, leading them back inside.
"It's not a do-over, Dan," Twilight protested. But her voice was quickly overwhelmed by Spike and others saying,
"Do-over! Back in a few, we're taking a mulligan, guys!"
"We're having Fluttershy go next. She's almost a hippie," Dan said. They all entered the ship and raised the ramp again.
Fifteen minutes later on the dot, the hippies approached the stranded aircraft yet again. But instead of the ramp opening ominously again, Fluttershy simply descended, fluttering down with a graceful serenity that almost radiated an aura of peace and harmony.
"Hey, Fluttershy's back!"
"Far-out, man, Fluttershy's back!"
"Fluttershy!" Several hippie ponies, yaks and buffalos trotted up excitedly to greet the yellow pegasus. The ground rumbled and dirt kicked up as a herd of hippies rushed towards her.
"Hi everypony, everybody," she said, as the crowd descended upon her and embraced her in a hug-stampede.
"Hey Fluttershy, where you been?"
"How's Ponyville? Did Angel Bunny come with you?"
"I just saw Patton Oswalt here and now he's gone, did anyone else see him?"
"He's with *squee*squatch."
"Oh, cool."
Dan and company disembarked the All of My Rage. "Well, it worked," Dan remarked. "Now, all we have to do is have her lead them away from base so we can-"
"Dan," Twilight stopped him. "We're not blowing up the hippies."
"I was gonna say lure them into a box. A big box."
"Were you gonna at least cut holes in the box?" Phoenix asked.
"Maybe one. To drop the dynamite in."
"We're not blowing up the hippies, Dan," Chrys said. "Besides, look how cute and sixties they look!" The changeling happily transformed into a hippie-buffalo with an afro, tapped one on the shoulder and hugged one of them. She then repeated this with several other species including yak with jewelry-adorned horns, an alpaca wearing bellbottoms and a backpack and a punky pink doe with a black shirt and earrings.
"Yeah, they may look cute but wait until you smell them after one of their concerts," Dan said, walking with his friends into the mob. Together, they waded into the hippies to get Fluttershy.
"...and after that, CJ and Sweet finally caught up with Tenpenny and then-"
"Oh, hi guys," Fluttershy said. She was talking to tall hippie stallion who had a long blonde mane, sky-blue body and wore a brown coat despite the weather. "Umm, these are my friends."
"Righteous, very righteous," the pony said, approaching them. "So you're the ones who came down in those flying saucers, that is totally far-out, my pone."
"Hi," Twilight said, smiling as big as she could, "I'm Twilight Sparkle and these are my friends."
"Hi."
"Hey."
"Thpppth."
"Hello."
"Sup."
"Greetings and salutations."
"How do you do?"
"I'm going to kill you all and bury your bodies under my base."
"Hahaha," Chrys laughed, turning to the camera. "Ain't my boyfriendo a riot, folks? And hey, can you match the character with their response? Post your guess in the comments and we'll give you the answer next chapter."
"Wow, you see those guys, too, man?" the hippie asked, nudging his way into frame. "I thought it was just me- that's so cool."
Dan pushed the hippie out of the way. "Stop breaking my fourth wall!"
"Hey man, you can't just oppress people like that. That's our power of the press, right there."
Before Dan could jump-tackle the hippie, Twilight stepped in and put a hoof on his chest to hold him in place. "He's just a bit agitated because of the uh, trip."
"Ah, hah. I getcha man, jet lag happens," he said. He then stared half-glazed at Twilight for several long moments.
"So... what's your name? Are you... do you know who's in charge here?"
"Oh yeah, my name's Gee Double-yoo."
"Gee Double-yoo?" Twilight asked.
The hippie nodded. "My parents named me Nature Singer but I'm actually more of a guitar guy. So, that's like my pony name, but my human name is George Washington. Or Gee Double-yoo, for short."
Twilight and others exchanged confused glances. "Your... human name?"
G.W nodded happily. "Yup. We're all, most of us anyway, huge fans of humans."
"Sure are!"
"That's right!"
"Hi Dustin!"
"Hi Dustin."
"It's us- Blast Fuse and Blast Powder!"
"We're still alive, just in the background now. For this episode, at least."
"Actually, we're supposed to be like, captured or something. But we're also extras so we have to show up in these crowd scene things."
"We're wearing tie-dye shirts!"
"SHUT UP!" Dan yelled at the scene breakers. "SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! You're not humans, NONE of you are humans, you don't even know what a human is!"
"Pssssh, yeah we do," G.W scoffed. "Humans are like, those mystical mythical dudes from the legends."
"Like the legends of Zeldas."
Phoenix looked puzzled. "Are you saying you've never seen a human before?"
"Uhh... nope," a yak replied.
"Well of course not, haha," G.W said. "Man, they're creatures from myths and legends out of like... myths and legends, dude."
Dan rolled up his sleeve in response. "You wanna see a human? Let me show you how they say 'hello'." And was once again stopped by Twilight, Chrys and Phoenix.
"Dan, no. Guys, huddle up."
"Let's not take too long with this or they'll get distracted again," Dan cautioned.
"It's okay; I'm on it," Fluttershy said. "So, you said your name is George Washington?"
They huddled together. "I think these guys may really have never seen a human before," Twilight whispered.
"They're all clearly idiots. That's not surprising," Dan stated.
Tuxley looked over his shoulder. "These chaps do appear to be a bit... unique," he said.
He watched as one of the hippies, a mare, held a magnifying glass in her left hoof and picked up a shovel in the grip of her right hoof. She then released the shovel and picked up again. "HOW AM I DOING THIS?!" the mare asked nopone in particular.
"That's an understatement," Dan said. "The question is, how do we use this to our advantage?"
"I dunno," Twilight said. "I think it would be best to find out whoever's leading these hippies first."
"Agreed," Chrys said. "We knock them out, I change into them and I get them all to leave."
"Ooooh, good idea, Chrys!" Dan said. "Then we get you out on one of the airships and leave them all stranded somewhere OR we blow them up!"
"AGAIN, we're NOT blowing them up," Twilight declared. "We'll get them off our base and out of harm's way," she spun around and faced Fluttershy and George Washington again.
"...so then they put Devin Weston in the trunk of this car and-"
"Mr. Washington, we have a few questions about you and your fellow hippies," Twilight said.
"Oh... well, you'll probably want to talk to Flower Power, then."
"Wait, you're not the one in charge?"
He shook his head. "Nope. Not since like Burning Horse when I did all this desert joke, man and I knocked over this ice carving of Mickey Rooney and-"
"So who is in charge?" Twilight asked, stopping his tangent.
"Oh, uh, that'd be Flower Power. She's back inside the building, you want me to take you to her?"
Twilight nodded. "Yes, I think that would be in our best interests."
"Alright, man, follow me. Oh," he stopped, turning around. "You guys aren't like with the feds, are you?"
Technically speaking, they were. "Not us," Twilight said.
"Far out, man. Cool, cool, this way," he said, leading the group to the base.
"Right, you guys take care of that, I'll work on getting the boats ready," Gust said, heading back to his ship. And as he turned around, he saw Rainbow Dash coming off the ramp of the ship. Her right foreleg was raised to cover her muzzle, possibly from the potential smell of the hippy crowd but they didn't smell that bad to Gust.
"Rainbow! Hey, Hardy RD, where you going? Looking for Twilight?"
"Uhhmmff, yeafff, ou kno where hey are?"
"What?" Gust asked. "Move your hoof, I can't understand you."
She looked around again, almost frantically this time. She then looked to Gust and shook her head.
"What's wrong?" he asked, flying up to her. "You need something? Are you hurt?"
The rainbow pegasus gestured over her shoulder. The two of them turned around, facing the doorway of the ship. "-ou ave to promife nof to teff anyoneff."
Gust shook his head. "Sweetie, what's wrong?"
She removed her hoof revealing a rainbow-colored Wario-esque mustache underneath. "I think we have a problem."
The griffon's beak hung open for a full moment. Rainbow closed it for him. He had to lift up his shades to see for himself. "We-well... uh..."
"You can't tell anypony about this, especially Spike."
"Is-is that... real?"
"Yes, it's real!" Rainbow yelled. "And if Spike sees me like this, he'll call me Rainbow-Stache until it becomes a meme, too!"
"Gsshhh, hahaha, that actually is a good one," Gust chuckled. "But I don't get it, how are you able to grow a 'stache? Did somepony use number twenty-five on you?"
"No, I think it was the zebras," Rainbow said, covering her mouth again. "I thinff therr fpearff were-"
Gust pulled down her foreleg. "Please, Brogue One, just tell me."
"I think those spears were tipped in poison joke! All the pegasi and griffons that got hit by the spears, they've all got signs that they were exposed to poison joke or something!" Rainbow exclaimed.
The hippy calling himself George Washington led Dan and the others to the base entrance. They waded through group after group of hippies on their way there; the wagons and caravans created a small city in front of the fortress. Filly and colt hippies chased each other through the maze of tents, ponies and other creatures sang and danced, cooked and ate and were merry. It was a society all its own, a nomadic culture with its own traditions and customs. Spike even noticed several interspecies couples muzzle-nuzzling, even a few trios. Was there a dragon and pony nuzzling somewhere among them? He forced those thoughts out of his mind; finding Rarity and the others, surviving these events was paramount at the moment.
They came to the large door in front of the base. Originally designed for Enclave supply vehicles, Dan and company were beginning to realize that they actually did need GW to lead them. The hippies had taken it upon themselves to hippify Dan's base; Fort Jerk was covered in various hippy graffiti artwork including paintings of huge flowers and peace signs, countless pot leaves of various shapes and sizes were squeezed in wherever they could fit and more traditional urban gang graffiti that Dan recognized. Phoenix and Dan, both having been raised in Los Angeles(and Kyoto in Phoenix's case) noticed rival gang tags being drawn by the same ponies.
Equestria had a strange way of harmonizing conflicting elements from Earth. Of course, some elements that were harmonious on Earth were more conflicted in Equestria. The two planets were sisters in their own way so there was very much a give-and-take relationship among them. Twilight was beginning to understand this but she was the only other one on either world that did. The other, of course, was the Director.
George approached the door. There was a security panel on the side that connected with the security station inside. When the base was operational, Enclavers wishing to enter would go through the process of entering a passcode, checking with the on-duty monitor, passing a full biometric scan and then repeating a verbal password that was changed every half hour. The panel itself had been destroyed in the battle and the hippies had drawn over it, meaning it could no longer be used. Instead, the hippies had their own security measure.
The door opened after the elaborate sequence of secret knocks.
"Woah!"
And a pile of ponies came tumbling out. Multiple multicolored mares and stallions poured out of the doorway in a massive heap of pone.
"Hi," a bright orange mare said.
"Oops. Sorry 'bout that, Sunny-Bare."
"It's 'k."
Fluffle gasped at the sight of all the ponies that had spilled out of the base. "*Gasp!*" which meant, YAY CUDDLE PILE! She dove into the ponies and began snuggling.
Dan was less amused. "What... what the *squee* are you doing in my best?! WHY IS THERE AN ORGY IN MY BASE?! WHY IS THERE A HIPPY CONVENTION OUTSIDE?! WHY?!! WHY?!! WHY?!!!!!"
"Uh, that's a snug pile, not an orgy," George said. "Pretty sure I know the difference, if ya know what I mean, hahahahaha!" No one laughed with him. After an awkward pause, he added, "The orgy's on the other side of the base." They waited for him to laugh again, to say he was just joking, but he didn't. Because he wasn't.
Even Tuxley and Reginald were having difficulty keeping themselves composed. "W-with all due respect to your... personal culture... is there an entrance that is..." he trailed off.
"Less crowded?" Reginald finished for him.
"Good show, old bean."
"It's what I do, sir."
"As my compatriot said, we would find a less-crowded avenue of passage most preferable," Tuxley said.
To which GW responded with a headshake and a confused "Uh, what?"
"Find us a way inside that doesn't have ponies *squee*ing in the doorway," Dan clarified.
"Oh," George said, nodding. "Okay yeah, we can get in through the takeout entrance."
"There's a takeout entrance?"
"Follow me!" he said, leading them to the other side of the base.
He stopped the group at a door that looked identical to the one they'd just left.
"The hell do you mean identical? It's the same *squee*ing one!" Dan yell-oh crap, it is. He just lead them in a circle around the base!
"Look!" Dan said, pointing at the ground. "Those are our footprints! And hoof prints! You just lead us in a circle around the whole base!"
GW tapped his chin. "I'm not sure, man. I mean, how do we know they're your footprints?"
Dan pointed at a larger set. "You see any other footprints like those? Those are clearly Tuxley's."
George examined a large reptile footprint in the sand. "Woah, you're a dinosaur? I had no idea, man, that's far-out."
"Actually, those aren't my footprints," Tuxley corrected. He pointed to his feet. "My Oxfords are enduring the sand better than I would've anticipated."
"So you just walked us around the base! How is that supposed to help anything?!" Dan yelled.
GW tapped his chin again. "Hmmm... well, they're probably done by now. You wanna check?"
"I don't want to go into the base now," Chrys said, holding Dan and petting him.
"It's okay, honey, I got this. We're gonna burn it all down when we're done."
"Yayyy," Chrys said, and she buried her face into Dan's hair and started nomming it affectionately.
"Sweetie, I'm gonna need my to move."
"Just another moment," she said.
Dan nodded. "I'm countin' it down, though."
"'kay," she said, continuing to nibble.
As she did so, the others watched her. Twilight, Phoenix, Spike, Tuxley, Reginald, except for Fluttershy and Fluffle who had disappeared into the snuggle pile and George Washington who was fascinated with sky again. Dan was watched by all with deep, examining eyes.
Dan smiled at all of them and sang merrily, "I have a girlfriend~ I have a girlfriend~" while Chrys' wings buzzed rapidly behind him.
"I hate you so much right now," Spike said, shaking his head.
The human patted him on the shoulder. "It's okay, romeo. I'll show you my moves so you can finally hook up with the subject of all your "artistic works" in the basement," Dan said, chuckling.
But Spike was happy to hear the offer. "Really?"
And Chrys transformed into Rarity. "Why, certainly, darling. I might even give you something to practice on," she said, rubbing the underside of his chin, making the little dragon's eyes light up.
"I-I'm gonna have to take you up on that."
"Absolutely. As soon as we're done saving our butts from certain doom at the hooves of a horde of invading, invincible zebras," Dan said.
Instead of performing a secret knock, GW simply knocked once and the door opened. The group was thankful that this time, a pile of hippies did not come tumbling out. This time, there was only Fluffle Puff behind the door and she trotted out to join them.
"Fluffle Puff!" Chrys said, changing back into herself and hugging her friend. "Where have you been?"
Dan shook his finger at her. "That was very irresponsible, young lady, diving into a pile of strange ponies like that."
"Thppth." I go where the cuddles call, man. I'm on a journey, a journey of love. Peace, my peeps. Fluffle Puff's colors had become tie-dye and she now sported hippie attire including a bandana, frilled vest and rectangular-lens glasses.
"She's been hippie-fied!" Dan yelled. "The only cure is Slayer! Blast Epidemic to cure this hippie epidemic! We need brutal, death metal right now!"
"I got it." And that was when Fluttershy fluttered over to Fluffle Puff, gracefully and delicately. She pulled out her Pondroid, placed a pair of earbuds in Fluffle's ears a boop-started a song playlist. Slowly, Fluffle Puff started head-banging. They all looked at her. "Angel Bunny's the drummer in Braeburn's metal band."
"Ahhh," they all said.
"That makes sense," Dan said. "Maybe we could get Applepocalypse to play here and get rid of these hippies."
"Braeburn's still making supply runs from the outer towns to Ponyville for us. It'll probably be a while before he can get the band together," Phoenix explained.
"We're gonna need a lot more metal tracks, then."
"So, did you guys need something?" GW asked. "Oh wait, you wanted to see Flower Power. She's this way." He tried to lead them away from the base and back around it again, but they turned him around and back inside. Finally back on track, they followed the hippy stallion into the hippy-occupied military base.
If Dan had been disappointed by the state outside the base, the inside only served to infuriate him more. The hippies had covered the gunmetal-gray walls, floor and ceiling with yet more graffiti and even tapestries and quilts. The power was off so scented candles had been placed as torches in certain spots, giving the base an odd medieval atmosphere. They crossed paths with several hippies that offered them various forms of rainbow-colored substances and confections, all of which they declined.
The hippy stallion eventually led them to the cafeteria where Dan had fought General Winter. It had been turned into Hippy Central. The tables and chairs had all been removed. In their place, dozens of carpets blanketed the floor in a myriad of colors and shapes and sizes. Candles were placed in the center of some of these blankets, some tall enough that they looked like altars. Circles of hippies sat around them and talked, ate or played drums.
GW turned to them. "Okay, I'm gonna take you to FP's drum circle. But there's a few rules first."
"Rules?" Dan repeated.
"Drum circles have rules?" Twilight asked.
He nodded. "Yeah, so like, you can't talk if you don't have the speaking feather. Only the one with the speaking feather is allowed to talk in the circle."
"That won't be necessary," a voice said. A pony stood up from one of the circles, a tall mare with a mane that went down to the floor. "I am Flower Power. I've heard you've been looking for me," she said.
Equestrian Communal Nomadic Clan Leader Flower Power Head of the Hippy Hipster Hierarchy
"Um, yes," Twilight said, slightly nervous. The long-maned mare was adorned with a floral tiara ending in a beautiful yellow blossom. Her coat was a light spring green while her mane and tail were both darker green, almost like the leaves of a tree. She wore no clothes like the other hippies but she did have one other distinct quality that made her all the more intriguing: she was an alicorn. Taller than Cadence, taller than Luna, she was a Celestia-sized alicorn that stood eye-level to Chrys and Phoenix.
"Great, so we meet Queen Hippy," Dan said, rolling his eyes.
The tall mare giggled a bit at Dan's remark. "There are no leaders here," she said. "The creatures I care for look to me to guide them for my strength."
"That kind of sounds like leading," Phoenix said. (And there's something very odd about this alicorn.)
She smiled softly at all of them. "I understand our culture is difficult for others to get used to. But it's one we've followed for generations. Together, we have spread beauty and a message of peace and love to all corners of Equestria. Although, it has been more difficult lately to do so."
"Yes, we're aware," Twilight said. "Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have been missing for months. Our kingdom is under attack and we must band together to do something about it."
"Most certainly," Tuxley added. He removed his top hat and held it humbly. "We're beset upon by dangers from all sides and from within. A malevolent scientist threatens us and our Earthly neighbors with weapons of annihilation, a manipulative creature is maneuvering as a means to a most heinous end and a merciless horde of murderous zealots at our gates. These are dire times indeed, madame."
"Ahhh... yes," the mare said, turning towards one of the candle-pillars. "I have heard about your difficulties. There's not much that escapes me through nature's song."
"So, then you know we need this base," Dan said. "We need all the help we can get, especially after we got our butts kicked."
"Indubitably," Tuxley said. "War has come, madame, and if you could assist us by-"
"War?" she interrupted and turned to them. "War only exists when two sides fight. You are at war with the zebras, they are not at war with us."
Twilight shook her head. "They're at war with all of us, all of Equestria. The charter states-"
"The charter states Equestria renounces war," Flower Power said. "You have gone against the most ancient precepts of harmony by making war with the zebras."
"OBJECTION!!" Phoenix yelled. His voice echoed through the room. "Heh, sorry, I get kinda used to doing that. But, the Equestrian Charter actually only states we renounce our capacity to make war. But we maintain the royal guard for defense, including defense against those who would make war on our soil."
Flower Power simply turned back to her candles. She brushed her hoof around one, the flame dancing away from her. "It takes two sides to make war. You have always had the capacity to make war- you only needed to go against them. By doing so, you have forsaken our doctrine."
"So, what?" Dan asked. "You want us to do nothing? Just LET the zebras come in and wipe us all out?"
"No," she shook her head, turning to them again. "I expect you to flee."
"Run?" Chrys repeated. "We-we can't. This is our home, our kingdom. We didn't run when the sea ponies invaded, we didn't run when Discord took over and we didn't run when I attacked. And I attacked twice with a bigger army, too and these guys didn't run from shit. They fought me back and... well, now I'm on their side."
The mare simply smiled at them. "I wasn't counting civil wars, my child."
"Child?" Chrys repeated. "Bitch, I'm twenty-five thousand years old."
The mare turned back to the candles. "Then why don't you act like it?"
Both Dan and Chrys turned to Twilight simultaneously and said, "Twilight, I'm about to blow this chick up."
"Ha," Spike laughed.
Fluffle gasped and hugged them. "Oh my goodness, that was adorable," Fluttershy added.
Phoenix stepped forward. "Okay, enough. We are going to defend against the zebras, Miss Power. If your... followers don't wish to help us, we won't force them to."
"I will!" Dan yelled.
"But we do need our base back," Phoenix said. "So, I would like to propose you let us use the base's tactical facilities and defenses while you and your followers use the barracks and support facilities."
"That's a very nice offer, Mr. Wright. But I'm afraid we'll have to decline," Flower Power said.
"Ugh," they all groaned. Twilight rubbed her temple. "Fine, you can have our base. We'll just go deal with the zebras on our own accord."
"What?" Dan asked. "But-but-but... my base!"
"I'm sorry, Dan," Twilight put a hoof on his shoulder. "We'll... we'll get you a new base. One the hippies won't get to."
"Damn hippies," Dan cursed. "I knew I should've dug a moat with the MY-Wing before we left." They all moved towards the door. But just before they could get through it, c'mon, you saw this coming- it closed right in front of their faces. They spun around.
"What? What's the meaning of this?!" Tuxley asked, struggling to get the door open. "Madame, I must insist, your actions are most ungracious!"
"Let us out!" Spike yelled.
"I'm afraid that's out of the question," Flower Power said. She came towards them, eyes burning like candles. "I have had enough of watching you jackbooted thugs stomp about, destroying the world I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE BEAUTIFUL THROUGH NATURE!"
"Wow... we pissed off the hippy queen," Chrys said.
"It's kind of like when Fluttershy gets mad. Hey, where'd she go?" Dan asked.
"She's in Fluffle Puff," Chrys replied.
"She's with Fluffle Puff?"
"She's IN Fluffle Puff," Chrys corrected. And sure enough, Fluffle's fluff was shaking. But the fluffy mare had shifted from hippie-mode to full-on metal mode: her fluff was now shiny and reflective, her eyes were red and her hooves were spiked. Fluffle Puff had activated her Metal Mode.
"Look, you can't make us just give up on defending Equestria," Twilight said, defiant. "This is our kingdom and we don't have to listen to you or anypony else if we don't want to. Ponies here are free to make their own decisions and we will fight for each other!"
Flower Power scowled. "*Squee*ing conservatives. Dealing with you right-wing *squee*holes is why I and my people have to keep moving and can't settle down anywhere!"
"The buck are you talking about? You can live wherever you want!" Dan yelled.
"Sure we can," she said. She levitated several pairs of drums to her and began beating to them. All at once, the hippies got up and turned to them in one oddly-familiar unified motion. "We just can't live in peace."
"Did you... did you just see that?" Phoenix asked. "The way they all-"
"GET DOWN!!"
One of the cafeteria tables smashed into the door. Dan and company scrambled to get out of the way just before it impacted. The boss battle was joined.
"Madame, that was most uncalled for!" Tuxley said, dusting his hat off. "Certainly, we could discuss this like civil-"
"DIE, FASCISTS, DIE!!" Several more tables cascaded down. The alicorn calling herself Flower Power had now fully activated her powers, summoning the strength of the natural world into her body. Unlike Celestia, Flower Power's mane rippled and waved end-to-end instead of flowing in one part. Her hair was like a multitude of long grass leaves, bending and waving in motion. Surrounding her was an aura of radiant green magic with an inner sphere of orange magic, both translucent and glowing.
As a point of magical strategy, colors, forms and visual effects of magic often indicated type and strength. Although magic itself often worked in the realm of unpredictable and impossible, it had certain tells that a keen student like Twilight could pick up on. Auras were specialized spells designed to harness magic from surrounding sources, allowing users to tap into and harness energy of various and often specific types from the environment and/or others. In combat, use of an aura was considered a buffing and preparatory maneuver used to further enhance other spells. Using an aura, an magic-user created a bond between themselves and a specific form of magic from the area round them, allowing them to use magic easier, faster and to draw on a larger energy pool.
The drawback to such a maneuver was tied in with the environment: dramatic shift in the area could affect the caster and the aura would often diminish if the caster went beyond the area or things they bonded to. There are exceptions to this and summoning a dual aura indicated Flower Power had incredible magic potency. Twilight had only seen Celestia herself perform a tri-aura barrier, though Twilight believes it could be possible to create a bond between all things, thereby allowing access to limitless magic. Theoretically, anyway.
Before the tables could collide with them, Twilight shielded the group. Separated from the others, Chrys did the same to defend Tuxley, Reginald and Metal Fluffle/Fluttershy.
"So what happened to diplomacy?!" Dan asked/yelled at Twilight. "What happened to "we can't kill all these hippies, Dan"?"
"They've gone insane or something!" Twilight said. A fryer from the kitchen smashed against her shield. She concentrated, holding the bonded energy together with her horn. She looked back up at the other alicorn, glowing above them. "Something's corrupted them!"
Dan turned around inside Twilight's shield. "They're not corrupted, they're just hippies. This is what they do!"
"They go berserk with magic and try to kill everything to prevent violence?" Phoenix asked, ducking in the shield with Spike.
"Well... not every time. But a lot." He leaned casually against the pink-purple shield bubble. Just beyond it, the hippies pounded on the barrier, moaning like zombies as they did so. One of them even bit at the spot Dan leaned his arm against. "Okay... so now that we've identified as the hippies as evil... and we have identified the hippies as evil, right?"
"YES!" they all yelled.
"I just wanted to make sure we're all on the same page. Both figuratively and literally, seeing as how we're in a page in a story. Does anyone else think that's just a little bit funny?"
"GET ON WITH IT!!" they bellowed.
"Kinda," Spike admitted.
"So how do we get out of here?" Dan asked. "I'm guessing teleporting is out of the question as usual."
"I'd have to lower the shield to do another spell and I can only teleport like some of us at one time! I can't even move while doing the shield!" Twilight yelled, wincing as her shield spell took another blow from a cafeteria table. "Hurry up, Dan! They're gonna start throwing the taco supplies at us next!"
"Hmmm," Dan thought, leaning his full weight against the bubble. "What to do-HAAA!" the shield shifted, rolling them all a bit. Twilight stumbled, causing the shield to be waiver for a moment before she stood up again and it reformed. Dan noticed it... and it gave him an idea. He turned around and examined the wall of the bubble they were in. And then he looked at the hippies in front of them and a devious grin spread across his face. "Eu-freaking-reka."
"What?!"
He walked over to Twilight. "You said you can't move while shielding us?"
"No! I mean, yes! I can't AAHG! move!" Twilight yelled. In front of them, the hippies were now using power tools to try and breach the shield. Across from them, a group of hippies were attempting to eat Chrys' green shield, apparently having mistook it for some sort of large, translucent vegetable.
Dan rubbed his chin. "Nicky, grab Spike and get over here."
"Okay..." the lawyer said skeptically. Spike rode on Phoenix's shoulders as he walked over. "What are you planning?"
Dan grabbed Twilight's forelegs. Chrys' girlfriend senses prickled just a bit, causing her to look over. But there was no cause for alarm. "Okay, grab her back legs."
"What?" Twilight asked.
"Just focus on the shield, Twilight. Nicky, help me pick her up."
"Ahh," Phoenix said. "Okay, I see where you're going with this."
"What do you mean? What does he mean?" Twilight asked frantically as she was lifted. "What are you doing?!"
Dan grinned again. "We're going bowling. Okay Nicky, on me; one-"
"Bowling? Wait," Twilight looked at the hippies, then at the shield around her. "Oh no."
"Two-"
"Oh boy, can I stretch first?" (That's important whenever preparing for extensive physical exercise... and revenge, I guess."
"THREE!!" Dan stepped forward and Phoenix followed in-step with him. The shield started to roll.
The hippies watched as their tools and makeshift weapons slid off the barrier and for a moment, tried to understand what was happening while backing up, wondering why the shield was moving towards them. And then, the answer became apparent. They had time to look up before the giant orb of magic crushed them.
Dan and Phoenix, carrying Twilight, walked the shield-ball over the hippies, crushing them underfoot. The ball flattened them and rolled on.
"Omaigawsh, I'm sorry," Twilight said, apologizing to the hippy-zombies. "Dan, do we really have to do this?"
"Ehh-heh-heh-yeah-ahahahaaha!" Dan laughed maniacally, nodding with a twisted gleam in his eye. He continued pushing the ball towards the other groups of hippies, walking Twilight and forcing Phoenix to follow his moves.
"I think Dan's gone full-vengeance mode," Phoenix said. "We're just gonna have to roll with it."
"Did you really have to make that pun?" Spike asked, sitting on the lawyer's shoulders.
"Pun? Oh, that was kind of a pun, wasn't it? Heh heh... yeah, I'm sorry," Phoenix said. Spike face-clawed.
But Dan was laughing. Not at the pun, but at the hippies he was rolling the ball towards. It began to pick up speed.
"Down with the baby-killers!"
"Make peace, not war!"
"Save the wha-AAAAAAAHHH!" The hippies tried to protest, as not all had done enough of the merryjane(poison joke version of marijuana) to become zombified or otherwise affected by it, but the ball continued rolling. Dan crushed them beneath it as he and Phoenix carried Twilight, rolling the giant hamster-shield-ball at group after group of hippies.
"Hahaha! HAHAHA!" Dan laughed. With every group he crushed, he picked up speed, walking faster and forcing Phoenix to do the same until they were running. "HAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"I'm scared," Twilight said.
"Me too," Spike added.
"I'm getting tired," Phoenix said, panting.
"KEEP GOING!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!!"
High above them, Flower Power watched as her hippies were smashed in droves. Hooves crossed, she rhythmically pounded on a set of drums. "What is wrong with you fools?! Get up! Get back up, stop them!" Like the zebras, the beat of the bongos was actually magical itself and a sort-of musical spell. The rhythm of the bongos frequently rejuvenated those under Flower Power's control, healing their injuries. Unfortunately, Dan was crushing the hippies faster than the drum could revitalize them.
"HAHAHAHA! WAAHAHAAAAHAHAHA!!!" Dan now sprinted in the ball, bouncing it off the walls and into crowds of hippies. It was like a giant pink-purple pinball that bounced around and crushed them. It even made the same sound effect from one of those Sonic the Hedgehog pinball games. I don't know which one; just take your pick. The first Adventure, maybe from the Casinopolis zone. You should probably go with that one since we're using Casinopolis in the story at a later point.
"Stop it! Stop crushing my-" Flower Power's magic aura began to fade. "Wha-wha-a-AAAAHH!!" she fell, landing on the floor amidst her followers. "Jack...booted... bastards. Where are you?" She had time to look around and see them coming before they ran her hippy ass over. Flower Power was smashed into the floor, her drums flattened in front of her.
Dan either didn't notice or didn't care that the hippy leader had been taken care of. The shield orb burst out of the cafeteria and continued into the hallway. Although the ball was too big for the corridors of the base, the magic shield molded itself to contour to the shape of the walls, kind of like one of those... things that does that. If you can come up with something, let me know, but the shield continued to roll down the corridor, bashing and squashing hippies as it did. Most did not react fast enough to get out of the way while others were too preoccupied and didn't see it coming.
"AHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!!" Dan laughed with rampageous delight. "THIS IS THE GREATEST MAGIC SPELL OF ALL TIME!! WAHAHAHAHA!"
"Can we... please stop after this?" Phoenix asked, sweating and panting.
"WHEN WE CLEAR THE WHOLE BASE, NICKY!" Dan yelled.
"It's probably for the best, Phoenix, because if you stopped now, you'd wind up tripping and getting rolled over in here," Twilight said.
"I'll... keep that... in mind." (Along with volunteering NOT TO DO THE RUNNING NEXT TIME!) The ball continued to roll through the halls, crushing the hapless hippies as it did so.
On the first floor of the base, a group of hippies were waiting for the elevator to the cafeteria. The door dinged but when it opened, the shield-ball exploded from the elevator and crushed them underneath it. The ball rolled up and down stairs, through halls and rooms throughout the base, smashing hippies and even going through the first level of Donkey Kong(it replaced one of the barrels.) The ball rolled through the movie theater of the base, which coincidentally had been showing the opening sequence from Raiders of The Lost Ark but it was the Daring Do version(exactly the same but with ponies.) It rolled through Hollywood sets, through downtown Los Angeles, over George Newman(played by Weird Al) again and across a message board on 4chan.
The shield-ball finally crashed through the takeout entrance on the other side of the base, the one George Washington had attempted to lead them to but wound up only leading them in a circle. The entrance was destroyed as the ball burst through it, finally coming to a stop in the sand. Dan and Phoenix both tripped at the sudden stop, dropped Twilight and the shield disappeared.
"I don't think... a shield's ever been used that way," Twilight said, struggling to stand.
"I'm gonna wear roller-skates next time we do that," Phoenix said.
"THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF GREAT THINGS EVER!!" Dan exclaimed. "Twilight! That is our new strategy!"
"For what?"
"EVERYTHING!! The rush, the feeling of crushing them all underneath a sphere of magic it's just... exhilarating! This is the greatest feeling of revenge ever!"
"I'm happy to see you enjoyed yourself. It certainly saved our... plots," Twilight said. She laid down on her back in the sand. "Now, I'm gonna take five. We'll find out something to do with the bodies when I'm done." Spike joined her.
Phoenix got up and brushed himself off. Sand, dirt, no matter what it was, it easily came off the lawyer's incorruptible suit. "I guess we have our base back now. We should go check on the others."
"Good idea. We need to get to work on teams to use more hippy-crusher-ball spells," Dan said.
"By the way, did you notice the way those hippies got back up after we bashed them?" Phoenix asked. "It kind of reminded me of the way those zebras just stood back up after we blew them up."
"Hmmmm," Dan said, rubbing his chin.
"What do you think?"
"Dannihilation Destructo Ball... Supreme Spherical Stupidity Stomper Spell..." Dan said. "Which name sounds better?"
"Failed fascist folly into Flower Power's fortress!"
"What?" Dan asked, looking over at Phoenix. "That doesn't sound right at all."
Phoenix pointed in front of them. "Th-that wasn't me! Dan, it's-"
Flower Power, looking no worse for ware except for her mane being messed up, stood in the middle of the hole in the side of the base. Her eyes burned with rage at both of them.
In the Ancient Times, the Gods did create all things upon this Land And to Nature the Gods did Bind Two Such Things: The Titans and Man But the Titans would not be Tamed, and with Their Power They Grew Wild Rebel They Did, and Rose to Challenge Them in War of Parent and Child In Vain it was, and the Gods did Strike Down Their Children, Their Destruction Assured
But Destroy Only the Form They Did. Of the Spirit, They Endured.
Ages Passed and Man would One Day Reach, as so many did Before Yet the Gods would smack him down each time, just to see him Rise once more. But Man was so Clever as he strove, and Determined to Beat the Odds That he Rebuilt The Titans, Rode on Their Backs and Soared Beyond the Gods
And for the First time, the Gods looked Up, and in their hearts, they did know fear For Man Found a Way to Beat Them All... Upon his Magic Gear
Flower Power pushed her way through the debris. A chunk of the wall fell on her horn but her horn shattered it. "You didn't think... I was done with you... did you?" she asked, ears twitching wildly. "I'm not letting you get away. Haha-HAHA! No no no, if you got away, you'd only go about spreading MOAR violence and MOAR destruction. Equestria, the Equestria WE have worked so hard to keep beautiful will be ruined! I WON'T HAVE IT!!!" she screamed.
"Okay, lady, you need to calm down," Dan said, motioning downward with his hands. "You need to tone it down a bit. You're at like a twelve right now, let's dial it back, alright?"
Phoenix couldn't help eying Dan over his shoulder.
"What?"
"Oh, nothing. Nothing," the lawyer replied. "Just appreciating the irony, as always."
"What irony?"
"..." (Seriously?)
"Miss Flower Power," Twilight said, striding between the two humans, "Captain Dan is correct. You're not behaving rationally or acting in a civil manner. I think you should do as he suggested and calm down-"
"NO!" the hippy alicorn yelled. "You will NOT make war against the zebras or any pony else! Not Vice Grip, not the sea ponies, we will eventually convert them, too and this world will know PEACE!!"
Dan made a circular gesture toward his head at Twilight. "This chick has lost it, Twilight."
"I don't think she ever had it," Phoenix added.
"Yeah, I had to try," Twilight admitted. "You still have to try, even with the crazy ones."
"Crazy? Crazy?" Flower Power asked, stepping forward. "You and your princesses were crazy when you invited THEM here!" she said, stomping furiously. Her eyes began to glow orange again, an enormous spell-ball formed at her horn. "You right-wing fascists are all the same! If you won't embrace true equality, then you will be destroyed!!" She fired the orange ball at them, a sphere that burned like fire, sizzling through the air as it sped towards them.
*Krsssh!* Only to have it blocked before it even reached its target.
"What?!"
"YES! YES!" Dan cheered. They were all suddenly in the shadow of something far larger than any of them. And they weren't afraid; in fact, they were relieved.
"That's our girl!"
"What... the hell... is that?" FP asked. She looked up at the thing towering before her.
And Magic Gear Knight simply turned her head and looked down at her. "Warning: your actions constitute extreme hostility. Cease or I will identify you as a threat."
"What the hell is this thing?" Flower asked again. She took to the sky, flying up to its head. Knight simply stared at her, continuing to block her path with her massive metal frame.
"I am an independent mobile weapons platform tasked with defending Equestria. Designation: Magic Gear Knight."
"A robot? You have a giant robot?" Flower Power said, looking at Knight like an object. "I knew it. I KNEW IT! You've already built war machines, just like the humans have! It won't be long before an army of these things try to wipe us all off the map!!"
"HEY! I blew that thing up once already!" Dan yelled. "We didn't build crap, crazy lady!"
"Vice Grip built it-err, her," Phoenix explained. "But Dan convinced her to switch sides. Knight is her own pony now."
"Hehehe~"
Twilight, for once, used her wings of her own accord. Without thinking about it, she stretched her own wings and flew up to Flower Power to advocate for her friend. "We don't want war, Flower Power. We want peace, just like you. But we also want to be safe. We have to defend our homeland or it would be like we never had it in the first place. Please... understand us."
"She's right!" Phoenix yelled. "Look around you! What you're trying to do, is it helping anything? What will your herd think?"
"Headbutt her while she's distracted!"
"Dan, stop."
Twilight looked right into Flower Power's eyes. Through the anger and the rage, Twilight tried to speak to the mare inside of her. "Please. Just let us go."
For a moment, it looked as though she might have even considered that option. "Maybe you're not as violent as the others. But you're still conservative. So it's better just to kill you now." Her horn began to glow again.
Spike scratched his chin. "I don't get it. Why does she hate us for being conservative?"
"She hates us for being what she perceives as right-wing," Phoenix explained. "Technically speaking, the terms "liberal" and "conservative" tend to change with each new issue and the stances have historically shifted every couple decades. Generally, left-wing supporters prefer more government control and regulation while right-wing supporters prefer smaller government and more liberties, less restraint. Both have their pros and cons and too much restraint and too little regulation can both have disastrous consequences like tyranny and anarchy. We strive to find the balance in between and tend to lean different ways in different issues to maintain that balance."
"Oh," Spike nodded, pretending he understood. "What does that make us?"
"Cartoon characters," Dan answered for him. "I'm an American, he's Japanese, you're a dragon. We're fighting a bunch of crazy hippies and we have a giant robot. Don't overthink this." Specifically though, right now at least, they were conservative. Fighting to preserve their home and way of life from a radical progressive like Vice Grip, they were all very much pro-current Equestrian regime. Not only that, they were poetically sandwiched between a group of ultra-socialist hippies and an advancing army of ultranationalist zebras. So the term "moderate" might've been more appropriate but a better term for all of them was the one they wore with pride, political stance be damned. And that term was:
"Royalist jerks," Flower Power sneered. The ball on her horn was twice the size of her head and crackling with energy. "This is for the environment. Goodbye, Twilight Spark-*BOAAMM*"
"YES! YES!" Dan cheered. Just before the hippy could unleash a blast at Twilight, Knight had taken Dan's advice. The ponymech slammed her head into the alicorn in a downward swipe, smashing her into the ground. Knight removed her head and already had her left hoof raised to deliver a follow-up when the alicorn shot up again.
"You think you can blindside me like that and get away with it?!" FP was covered in sand but her horn was glowing.
"Affirmative." Knight raised her hoof to smack her down again. But Twilight stopped her.
"Woah there, hold on." And somehow, the hippy and the robot listened to her. "Hold up, hold up, hold up. Just wait a minute before you two beating each other up." The two stopped just short of the purple mare, coming just centimeters between her face, glaring at each other.
"Fine. I'm holding up," FP said.
"Weapon systems on standby."
"What is it?"
Twilight placed her hooves on their noses and pushed them apart. "Hnnnnguh! Okay, now, before you two go at it, how about we take this away from the base?" The two representatives of opposing ideologies exchanged glares. They didn't even break eyes to turn to Twilight.
"Conditions accepted."
"Agreed. Like I need any more damage to my base."
"THAT'S MY BASE!!" Dan yelled from down on the ground. He tried to climb up one of Knight's legs but slid off her sleek chrome finish. "Nicky! Throw me up there, Ima hit her!"
"Yeah, no."
"Grrrrrrr," Dan growled. "Fine. Come with me, we're gonna go do something about the hippies."
"Oh boy," Phoenix said, being dragged by the smaller human. "What are we going to do?'
"I don't know yet. But it's gonna involve the Christmas lights, a large rope, two batteries and my chariot."
"But you don't know what we're doing?"
Dan smiled sinisterly. "Because not even I want to know, Nicky. But we're gonna have fun finding out."
The massive metal mare and audaciously alternative alicorn strode towards the area behind the base, a large patch of flat land that stretched out into the desert. Half a kilometer from the base was a large mesa, just big enough to cast a shadow over the base at dusk when the sun went behind it. The two opponents stood a few dozen meters apart from each other, Twilight in between them.
"So... how are you guys gonna do this?" Twilight asked. "All-out, just keep it away from the base?"
"Affirmative. Terms and conditions set, target locked."
"Sounds good," FP said back.
"Good, good," Twilight said, nodding. She turned her head, looking at each of them one after the other. "You're sure there isn't a way to work this out? To just be... friends?"
The alicorn shook her head. "No. I'm afraid we can't."
"Negative."
Twilight sighed. "Had to try... always have to try."
"Luna was a fool to have built this... thing," Flower Power said.
Twilight looked back at her. "What?"
"She saw into the dreams of man, and her first act was to fight war with war," FP stated. She shook her head in disgust. "That's not our way, Princess Twilight. She's become corrupted and now... this. You've embraced warmongering and have forgotten what true harmony is."
Twilight shook her own head in disbelief. "Not our way? The buck are you even talking about? We can't just Elements of Harmony everything! Holding hooves and singing songs aren't going to stop the zebras!"
Flower Power braced herself. Knight did the same. "Only because we're not acting together, as one! If there were enough of us-"
"There's never enough of you! There will never be enough hippies and there's less every day!" Twilight yelled back. "The zebras are slaughtering us, and if we don't fight back-"
The alicorn burst into green-orange flames. Leaves flittered down all around here, set on fire by her magic. "Not enough of us?! FORM HIPPYTRON!!!"
The ground beneath them began to shake. Even Knight was vibrated by whatever was approaching. And it didn't take Spike and Twilight to find out what it was. The hippies swarmed out of the base like ants, a stampede of color. In a horde, they assembled into a giant mare, a green alicorn filly standing a hand taller than Knight. On the new 'giant's head was a tiara of hippies with Flower Power sitting as the center gem. The giant mare looked down at Knight, eyes narrow. "Ahahaha... you were saying?"
Gust raised the ramp as the group reentered his damaged flagship. "Yeah, well, while we wait, I'm gonna make a phone call."
"Order some takeout, might be a while," Dan called back over his shoulder.
"Heh, not a bad idea." Gust made his way to the bridge, making sure to notice his crew repairing his ship. They were doing a good job, in spite of their circumstances. In many ways, this was their first real combat mission. Up until now, they had been pirates, not an actual air force. Dan beating them and joining forces with them was in many ways a second start for them, a chance for something new and one they were... one that he was, doing his best to make the best of.
The United Griffon Coalition- the government of the griffons' towns to the far northwest of the Crystal Empire, was one that did its best to balance the nature of its people and the diplomacy of the world. Griffons were a mostly ambitious and greedy species by nature but those weren't always bad qualities. Unfortunately, they were, in fact, difficult to accommodate. Gust's fleet, the First Expeditionary Armada had been created to serve essentially as government-endorsed pirates that raided small towns and stole things to satisfy the griffons' urges for great riches. That is, until most of Gust's fleet was sunk by a few ponies and humans and bigass'd gun mounted on a freaking tree. They had met their match in Dan's security system.
Now, Gust Grasp faced the reality that his fleet would actually have to do the job their titles were meant for, not the one they signed up for. And for that, he was going to need help. Although his fleet was a glorified pirate armada, it was not the only one the griffons' possessed. They had other groups, other fleets and flotillas that served other purposes and one specifically dedicated for defense. It was that one they needed right now... even if it was the one Gust hadn't been planning on speaking to, at least not like this. Not to ask for a favor.
UGC Priority Transmission All of My Rage sending private message[CLASSIFIED] Received: Perchbay Minister's Office, UGC HQ Transmitting... ... .... Warning! Channel is not secure! Broadcasting unencrypted transmission is not[REDACTED] [REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED[REDACTED] ... Playback beginning...
"Hi honey."
"Hello, Gust, what is it?"
"Awww, what's wrong? What's with the tone?"
"Gust, cut the crap, what do you want?"
"What did I do to deserve this? Can't I just call the love of my life because I feel like talking to her?"
"Sure. Does she work at this office?"
"That's cold, Gale. Seriously, baby, I know I've been away for a while..."
"You were overdo eight months ago."
"...I know. I'm sorry, Gale, it's just... you know how it is, being out here. Things have, well, they've changed. A lot, and I can't really leave now."
"I know. I watch the news. We both knew the job when you took it and there's not really anything we can do now. I guess asking you to walk that fine a line was a bit too much."
"..."
"Maybe I'm being a bit... unfair. I don't even know any more. Whether you were bad at it, or too good at it, you still did it. I guess what I'm saying is, I understand. We asked you to be a pirate, we couldn't expect you to be much of anything else. Even a husband... or a father."
".......How is she?"
"Good. Half expected her to join you but I don't think she's quite come to terms with your "occupation." She actually takes after you, in a lot of ways."
"That's not really a compliment."
"I know."
"Look, I know I haven't been there for you or for her... ever, really. I don't want to blame the job on that. I'm sorry... both of you, I really am. I never meant for any of this to hurt either of you."
"It's okay."
"I'm giving it up, Gale. After this, I'll be coming home, I promise. But I have to do this. Right here, if we don't stop these zebras, it'll be the Empire next and then us. And I need all the help I can get. We need all the help we can get."
"Yeah... yeah, I noticed. I don't blame you for any of this. And even if I did, I'd still help because you're right about this. That's why I'm coming with the big guns."
"The big guns? Oh! You really mean it?"
"Yes, Gust, we're bringing in the Defense Fleet. This has full council support and I'll be bringing the formalities myself so Princess Twilight can sign them. For now, we're choosing to sanction your "extensive operation" in Equestria... and to be honest, we're kind of proud of you, too."
"...Baby, wow, that is... wow. Thank you... thank you so much. I love you, Gale."
"I love you too, Gust. I... we, could've done a lot worse."
"I always left you wanting more, didn't I?"
"Oh, go fuck yourself. *Click*"
Transmission Complete... .... Transmission intercepted, redirecting to source: [REDACTED]
Since the beginning of their history as a species, griffons had insatiable desire. Desire for the best, the shiniest, the next level, more so than any other species in Equestria. They were greedy, they all knew it and they had generations to come to terms with it. Defense Minister Gale Grasp was very aware of those terms as she walked from the access hall to the bridge of her flagship. Unlike her husband's vessels, the ships of the Home Defense Fleet were spotlessly shiny, kept immaculate and beautiful at all times. The golden-bronze hallway reflected her emerald feathers, even in a corridor few would ever see, things were absolutely immaculate, luxurious and lavish in every essence of the word. Because griffons realized that greed could be something of value, too, so they decided a long time ago to treat it like any other resource.
Meaning they didn't waste a single bit.
The double doors opened from the hallway to the bridge of the flagship. The All of My Yes, Gust's flagship was a carrier roughly the size of Cloudsdale. Gale's flagship was the size of Canterlot- more than three times bigger.
UGC Next-Generation Ascension-Class Supercarrier All The Way Baby The Investment of One Wise Wife
Gust Grasp was made Sky Marshal of the griffons' air forces because he was a successful pirate; he knows how to get treasure. Gale Grasp, the wife and mother of their children, was made the Defense Minister of the griffons' entire military, including Gust's air forces, because she knew what to do with treasure. Many griffons loved collecting wealth and valuable things and stockpiling them, Gale was one of the few griffons that actually knew what to do with them. She invested them, turning the massive hordes of gold, jewels and other valuables into riches that could earn more and enormous projects that could further griffon development. Her ship, the All The Way Baby, was a testament to the griffons' future desires and goals. The first and only one of its kind, the All The Way Baby was meant to be a platform and testbed for griffon spacecraft.
A select few far-sighted griffons realized that future desires were just as important as current ones. Griffons like Gale looked beyond the sky and realized their future was in the stars. The All The Way Baby was the answer to the question, "How far do you want to go?" It was the griffons' collective answer, the secret desires of their race to reach for the stars. Unbeknownst to most others in Equestria, the griffons were conducting experiments to be the first of the planet's species to make it to space. Without being banished to the moon, of course.
The Defense Minister walked around the bridge's spherical chamber. The viewport outside offered an unparalleled view of the sky, almost made golden itself by the light reflected off the enormous vehicles' hull, an intention of the vessel's design. The All The Way Baby was constructed like the Expunger-class carriers Gust favored; they were built so griffons could easily fly in and out of them, carrying things to enormous cargo bays built around the ship's ring-shaped hull.
Being far larger than the others, the All The Way Baby was composed of three "rings": the first two were overlapped on top of each other with just a little space in-between. These two rings fit inside a third ring that was the ship's primary hull, a massive golden ring that looked like an enormous wedding band. The bridge of the ship was a pyramidal structure that fit on the back of the rings, elevated and armored to offer optimum view and protection. The ship was powered by nine massive jet engines on the aft section and on the bow section, to complete the wedding ring analogy was a giant gemstone made of every type of jewel known to griffons, even a few stolen from the Crystal Empire. This gargantuan rock was also the ship's main battery, a weapon that fired a magnetic-sonic-energy capable of piercing the crust of a planet. It was officially called the Aurora Cannon, and was nicknamed "Gale's Eye" by the troops.
Every single griffon saluted Gale as she stepped through the doors. "At ease, at ease, at ease," she said, smiling. "There'll be enough time for the formalities when we reach our dear stranded sky marshal," she said with a light chuckle. "We're already underway?"
The captain's chair spun around. In it was Gale's talon-picked commanding officer for both the ship and the mission, a griffon she trusted very much. "'course, mum. We're on the way to be saving the arse 'o that pigeon-pirate ya call an 'usband."
"Heh, glad to hear it. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you're the one doing the saving."
"Tooright, tooright, ya are," Ozzy said. Admiral Ozzy Osbarn originally had been tasked with conferring with Princess Luna about specialized weapons as part of her Perfect Defense project. Unfortunately, the donkeys had beat them to the punch, and then Vice Grip beat them all, spearheading the production of Magic Gear. Since the train episode, Ozzy had been keeping a low profile and an eye on things in Equestria. Now that things had reached a boiling point, the time for observation was over and he had donned his naval officer's uniform again.
"How's our newest sensor officer?"
"Ah, yeah. That's a bit of a different story," he said, rotating his chair and gesturing over his shoulder. "Believe the term's "acclimating" to the position, mum."
"I see. Well, maybe I can help," Gale said. She flew across the bridge as the others went back to their stations. She came up to the the sensor officer's chair and tapped the shoulder of who was in it.
"Hi honey."
A heavy sigh before she answered. "Hi mom." She held her head in her talons, staring at the sensor terminal's screen. It displayed both interior and exterior sensor scans and was backed up by other terminals that were monitoring different systems. Everything was built as a backup on a ship this valuable. One of the reasons she found it so boring.
"You can call me "mom", that's fine, but I do hope you understand the importance of everything here. Your salute's a bit sloppy but otherwise, you're doing a good job, Gilda."
"Thanks," Gilda said, somewhere between genuine and sarcastic.
Gale put a claw on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. "I know it's not easy being here."
"Ya think?"
"You'll do well, Gilda. Give it a chance."
She turned around to her mother. "Are you asking me to give this job a chance? Or did you mean you and dad?"
Gale looked down for a moment. "I know your father and I didn't do the best job of raising you. We both have... our careers."
Gilda just stared at her. "He's not my father, he's a pirate. And you let him go off and steal from other countries so you could build... these things. I never wanted any part of this or of him. That's why I left."
"I know," Gale said, still fixating on the floor. "I don't blame you. I know he could've gotten a job closer to home, he could've given it up-"
"He didn't," Gilda interrupted. "Because he's not an adult. He's not really your husband or my dad."
Finally, Gale looked up. She met her daughter's eyes. "He never missed a single child support payment or alimony check. He never missed your birthday or mine. He visited when he could, Gilda and dammit... that counts for something."
Gilda looked away. "I guess."
She put her claw on her shoulder again. "We all need a second chance sometimes. And sometimes... multiple second chances."
"Which one is dad on?"
"I don't know, but I do know this isn't your first either," she said, knowingly. Gale gently turned her daughter to face her. "He's getting a second chance, you're getting a second chance... maybe you should give both of us one?"
Gilda nodded. "Okay... ma'am. I will."
She smiled. "Again, mom is fine. And don't think your father's getting off easy," she said, her smile turning into a devious grin. "When that flyboy sees what I'm bringing in to play with, I think he might just molt on the spot."
"Ahh but mum, bigger ship's only a bigger prize fer a pirate," Ozzy reminded her. "After all, he did steal yer heart, din't he?"
"Only because I let him, Admiral. Only because I let him."
Ozzy stared back at her, knowing more about their history than the average griffon.
Gale rolled her eyes. "Fine, he got to me. But WE'RE going to get to him and give his little griff-hens a feather ruffling. You have the bridge."
"Aye, mum, aye."
She turned and walked out of the bridge, continuing with her inspection. It was no secret that Gale and Gust "cheated" on each other as many griffons did. There weren't as many monogamous relationships among griffons, though marriage was still common. But, when griffons liked each other in an intimate sense, they usually indulged and Gale and Gust were no exceptions. It's just that in griffon society, an intimate connection wasn't as reliant on a romantic one as it was with ponies. Still, they did get jealous when not enough time was spent with themselves, so problems with such relationships were common as well.
Gale liked to think she was a bit more choosy than her husband when it came to partners. Ozzy was a definite fan of hers while Gale could only brush breasts with birds like Becky and Chelsea. She and Gust were competitive a little bit and Gale also liked to think she won more often. But even then, Gust had a way of smiling that turned defeat into victory... and made him absolutely irresistible. And hawt. She'd spend so much time and effort outmaneuvering him at every turn and then he'd just smile at her and make her wonder if it was his plan all along. After all, he was a pirate.
Still, as Sky Marshal of the UGC, he had overstepped his bounds. Sometimes, a reminder was necessary and Gale's ship was nothing if not a reminder of Gust's obligations. The moment he saw it, he would remember his place... both in the ranks and in the nest. Gale continued her tour of the enormous vessel, flying most of the way to make it shorter.
3 days later Northern Equestria, Crystal Imperial-Griffon Borderlands Airspace UGC Supercarrier All The Way Baby en route to Fort Jerk
Gale and Gilda walked to the bridge together, chatting all the way that morning.
"-so he tells me stole it when Celestia wasn't looking."
"He stole it?" Gilda asked. "He actually stole a necklace from Princess Celestia?"
Gale smiled. "Well, it turns out, he traded her something for it. But then he just smiled and said that "the deal was a steal" and we both laughed."
"What did he trade her for it?"
"Some territory west of Appleloosa, a few gold mines."
Gilda stopped. "Wait, he traded her GOLD MINES? For a necklace? How is that not the dumbest idea ever?"
"Ah, you're forgetting what kind of a griffon your dad is. See, to him, and most other griffons, gold and gems and stuff lying in the ground isn't that interesting to us. He figured it was too much work trying to dig it out, so he traded it to Celestia for some of her royal jewels and let the ponies mine out all the treasure. Then, we can steal it from them later," Gale explained, grinning.
"Wow... but wait, aren't we supposed to be allies with the ponies?"
Gale nodded. "Yep. So, we wait for the ponies to sell to the donkeys or some other group and we steal it from them instead. We call it trickle down economics."
Gilda shook her head. "That is... wow, that's just amazingly underhanded." The doors to the bridge opened and they both entered.
Gale patted her on the shoulder. "This is how you pirate, sweetie. It's not all movies and songs online or boats in the ocean; there's a lot of work involved. Your dad gets this shit done."
"Yeah... I'm beginning to see that."
"How are things, Ozzy? What's our ETA now?"
Ozzy spun around in the chair. "Bad weather crossin' our path, mum, had to divert course."
Gale looked out the viewport in front of her. Dark storm clouds were directly in front of them, disorganized but concentrated. "I thought the pegasi had rejoined Equestria in the war. This is their territory, why aren't they dealing with this weather?"
"Dunno, mum. I don't have an estimate now, but we're still on our way. Jus makin' a slight detour, s'all."
"Ah, good, good. Excellent work, Admiral," she added under her breath, "this trip just got longer," and turned to her daughter. "Gilda honey, go down to the bar on B Deck and get mommy a gin and a cream soda from the vending machines."
"What? You're gonna start drinking this early."
She nodded, turning her daughter towards the door. "Sweetie, I'm not flying, I'm not driving and I'm certainly not going to spending any more time on this trip without a little buzz to get me through it. B Deck for ginny, vending machines by elevator for creamy soda...y. Get one for yourself if you want."
"I don't drink," Gilda declined. "Not gin, anyway," she said, recoiling at the thought.
"That's great dear, start taking after your father just now. I meant a soda. You can get one of those for yourself," she said, pushing her out the door.
"Does B Deck mean Bar Deck?"
"It damn well should- that's what the B stands for." The doors closed behind her. Gale turned back to the crew. "Ozzy! Get this golden symbol of my failed marriage going faster, I wanna piss off my ex while it's still daylight out so I can see his face!"
"Workin' on it, mum," Ozzy replied.
The communications officer stood, holding her headphones with both claws. "Ma'am? I'm picking up some kind of broadcast."
"All the way out here?" Ozzy asked. "Probly jus a local radio station err whatnot."
The officer shook her head. "I don't think so. I think it's a distress signal."
"Distress signal?" Gilda repeated. "Let's hear it, put it over the speakers." The officer stood over her station and keyed in the controls. For a moment, they heard only silence, then a humming, then static. Finally, a voice.
"-ayday mayday mayday, this is flagship Lunar Force One broadcasting on open channel to any in range, we need assistance!"
One of the tactical officers on the other side of the bridge looked up. "Did they say Lunar Force One?"
"Lunar Force One," Gale said, her voice serious. "That was Luna's ship that went to Saddle Arabia to help them fight the zebras. Luna was on it."
"Tha's not Luna squawking, tho," Ozzy pointed out.
"Comms, open hails," Gale ordered.
The officer gave her a clawed thumbs-up. "You're on, ma'am."
"Lunar Force One, this is the All The Way Baby responding to your distress call. What is your status, over?"
"Mayday mayday mayday, this is Lunar Force One broadcasting on open channel to any in range, we need assistance! Our ship has sustained heavy damage, we've got wounded onboard! Coordinates enclosed on wide-band frequency, please, we need help!"
"It's automated, ma'am, set to repeat."
Gale rubbed her forehead. "Yes, I gathered that much, thank you," she flew over to the comms station and hit a switch herself. "Gilda honey? Tell them to make it a double gin," she said, her voice broadcasting over the ship's intercom. "Ozzy, move us to intercept them. Best speed."
"Aye, ma'am."
She flipped the switch again. "You know what? Forget the gin, sweetie, just come back to the bridge." Somewhere aboard her vessel, her daughter was likely embarrassed.
They actually had to fly into the edge of the storm to find Princess Luna's ship. It wasn't that far from them, though; they likely would've seen it trying to fly around it on their present course. It only took them a few minutes to get there and before long, they spotted the distressed vessel.
Gilda arrived back on the bridge with a cream soda just in time to see it out the viewport. When it did, the sight of it unnerved her in more than one way.
"Woah... that's Princess Luna's ship?"
"Yeah," Gale said, not taking her eyes off the other vessel. "Was kind of expecting something more... I dunno."
Equestrian Royal Guard Airship Lunar Force One Last seen over Saddle Arabia, officially overdue 6 months ago
The Lunar Force One, as its name suggested, was Luna's personal airship. Its sister ship, the Solar Force One was Celestia's and the more regal of the two. Because Equestria wasn't a militant nation, both vessels weren't armed and functioned as high-class luxury yachts for the Canterlot elite and royal family, using part of the money from cruises to remain in service. The Lunar Force One had only recently been relaunched after Luna's return to Equestria, a very happy thing for those maintaining the vessel. They were the largest airships Equestria had produced, though they were still only slightly longer than the standard griffon cruiser and not built for combat. They were outfitted with luxurious quarters and amenities, spa facilities, beautiful viewing decks, lounges and casinos.
The last time they had been seen, they were being used to deliver the royal guard armies to Saddle Arabia to help the Equestrian allies fight off the zebras. According to the news, the Solar Force One had been destroyed in combat while the Lunar Force One had retreated. That had been six months ago. The ship had just now returned... apparently.
"Comms, are you picking up any more transmissions?"
The comms officer held her headset again. "No, ma'am. Just the same distress signal."
"This doesn't feel right," Gilda said. She looked at the dark ship, hovering in the storm. It wasn't moving but it hadn't landed or crashed either so something was keeping it in the air.
Both Gale and Gilda felt a cold on their spines as they watched the ship. The Lunar Force one wasn't military- it was a cruise ship. The vessel was a big blimp, additional engines on the side and the back and painted jet-black, purple and gold. The name Nightmare Force One might've been more appropriate, considering its appearance.
"Lunar Force One off the starboard bow," Ozzy said, turning to Gale. "Feels like a trap if I ever smelled one. Orders, mum?"
Gale swallowed. Yes, something was very wrong about all of this. The ship's running lights were still on but not the interior. "Keep your distance, Ozzy. Do we have a squad we can send to check it out?"
"Aye, I can get Bravo Squad over there."
"Do it, and tell them to be careful. Full hazmat gear, watch for anything biological."
"Aye, mum."
The golden ship stopped at a close distance to the dark one. The storm raged outside the viewport, a grim and grey curtain that covered both ships. Occasionally, the sound of thunder was heard but no one saw any lightning. Well, almost no one.
Knight had no time to respond. Hippytron leapt at her, grabbed her and tackled her into the sand. The huge hippy's hooves pressed Knight's head into the sand, trying to restrain her.
"Ha! Like knocking over a pile of tin cans!"
Minor subsystems damage detected. Auto-repair functions initiated. Warning: hull integrity stress excedes operational safety limits. Overcharging reactor... initialized. Available power 150%. Deploying countermeasures.
Being a machine, Knight was not bound by traditional pony physiology. She spun her head and forelegs around and grabbed Hippytron's face. Before Flower Power could react, she head-butted her.
"Gah!!" Hippytron recoiled. The hippy's that made up Hippytron's muzzle had all been smashed inward. They fell to the sand, unconscious, giving Knight time to get to her hooves. "You *squee*! You're not supposed to be able to do that- it's not fair!"
"Zero logic detected. Activating auto cannons." Twin guns deployed from the sides of Knight's forehead. They immediately began firing explosive rounds at the hippy.
*Bom-bom-bom-bombombom-bombom*
"Aaaah!" Hippies were blasted off the body of Hippytron, punching holes into the mass of evil pone. Flower Power held up the hooves of Hippytron. "I will not be beaten by a giant Sweetie Bot!!"
"Outcome probability: extremely low. Advisement: surrender or be destroyed." Knight advanced, the report of her guns echoing as they continued blasting the hippy-mass.
"Ugh!!" Flower Power groaned. The Hippytron recoiled and rolled into a ball, the flattened out. The mass of hippies suddenly reformed into that of a giant snake. "You were ssssssssssaying?"
Knight's eyes widened. Only a single round exploded near the new creature before she deactivated her auto cannons. "An... analyzing new tactics?"
The snake's new glowing red eyes glared. "Wrong ansssssssswer." The snake lunged at Knight and wrapped around her midsection. It squeezed her, grinding a thick band of magically-connected hippies against her barrel. It coiled around her, a huge cobra-like hippy hood appearing over Knight's helpless head. "Nature alwayssssssss winnnsssssssssss."
Knight winced in pain, causing Winston Payne to randomly look up from his newspaper back in Dan/Phoenix's world. Straining, she searched her database for an appropriate countermeasure desperately. Her hull began buckling under the tight pressure.
Warning! Hull compromised! Structural integrity failing! Power subsystems damaged. Attempting to compensate. Leg drive motors unable to comply. Stress exceeding operational limitations. Must... break free... Countermeasures? Obstruction detected. Missile bay doors blocked. Activate high-beams!
"AAAhhh!!" Knight's eyes flashed a bright beam of light at the hippy-snake's head, blinding her. Still, the snake gripped her tightly, bands encircling her completely.
Leg drive motors still unable to comply. Emergency countermeasures?!! Detecting one active: hydrazine anti-infantry. Gnnnn, activate now! Deploying flamethrower.
Like the Peace Walker she was based off of, Knight had been belt with retractable belly-mounted flamethrower. Twin guns deployed and spewed jets of flames at the hippies.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" The hippies were all clothed. Despite that there had been hippies of other species gathered outside the base earlier, for some reason, Hippytron/snake was made of only pony hippies, something Knight's targeting systems noticed. When the flamethrowers engaged, the hippies' clothes were ignited. And of course, they were made out of materials like hemp(pretty much just hemp) and non-animal products(again, pretty much nothing but hemp, maybe a few cotton shirts) that burned almost instantaneously(because hemp) and set the hippies on fire as well(because not shower plus hemp equals bursting into flames).
"Huh? Where am I?"
"FIRE! I'M ON FIRE!!"
The hippies suddenly reacted, separated and no longer entranced by Flower Power's magic. Panicked, the poor hippies ran around, some trying to roll in the dirt to put out the flames.
Knight targeted them all as they burned. "Activating fire suppression system." Her hooves and legs deployed sprinklers, switching out the flamethrowers to put out the flames. She walked over to the hippies, even spraying the ones that ran from her until the fires were put out. "Suppression successful."
Twilight watched the entire battle with Spike. "Spike? Did you see that?"
"Yeah... I woulda let the hippies burn."
"Spike!"
"I'm kidding! I'm kidding! Mostly..."
The purple mare rubbed her chin. "First the drums, now this. Is this some kind of new magic that lets one pony control an army or something?"
"Maybe," Spike said, mimicking Twilight's action by rubbing his claw under his own chin. "But do you really think these hippies would tell us?"
"Hmmm... good point. Maybe we could try to find one of their drum sets."
And that was when Gust Grasp landed right beside them. He carried a brown Santa Claus-esque bag over his back. "Hey."
"Gust? Weren't you with the ship?"
"Yeah," Gust said, whispering and lowering his head. "Couple things. First, I robbed everyone."
"You... you robbed everyone? EVERYONE? You mean all the hippies?"
Gust nodded and answered, "Yeah."
"Is that bag full of loot?" Spike asked.
"Yeah."
Twilight shook her head. "You just decided to rob everyone?"
"Yeah."
The purple mare rubbed her forehead. "Okay... what's the other thing?"
The white-feathered griffon sat down the bag of loots. "Right, so about half our pegasi and griffies got hit with some kind of poison joke from the zebra spears. They're all out of action so we can't fix the ships or attack the zebras again; they're stuck in the infirmary on the carriers. We're kinda screwed. I called my wife and your bro for help."
"Wow..." Twilight remarked. "That's... actually a really smart idea."
Gust nodded. "Yeah."
"So you called Shining and Cadence and then you robbed all the hippies?" Spike asked.
"Yeah."
"Did you happen to get any drum sets?"
Gust nodded. "Three drum sets, four guitars, the Mamas & The Papas Greatest Hits album, the earlier Beatles records all on vinyl, a bunch of eight-tracks and cassettes with other hippy songs and an iPod Shuffle autographed by Bob Dylan. Or possibly pony Bob Dylan."
"I'll just take one of the drum sets, thanks." She levitated one of the drum sets out of the bag. A hippy pony that oddly looked a lot like Bob Dylan walked out of the bag as well. Twilight set the drum set in front of her, examining it with the careful eye of an adorable Twilicorn study princess.
Spike got through perusing the swag bag 'o loot, dipping his head in and coming out covered in gold chains and a dragon crown. The Twilicane was even in there for no gotdamn reason at all and the idol from Raiders of The Lost Ark. He noticed there were a couple things missing. "Hey Gust?"
"Yes, Brost Rider?"
"Where are Dan and Phoenix?"
Gust looked around. "I thought they were with you."
Twilight lowered her head. "Could you go find them please before they set anything else on fire?"
"On it," he said, taking the sky.
"And don't steal anything else!"
"I can't make that promise!"
Flower Power's mane was singed on the ends. She looked up, flash-animated fury in her eyes. Her hippy followers were now dancing in the fire sprinklers, several rainbows being made by the light reflecting off the water jets. She snarled at all of them and charged. "Traitors! Traitors!"
George Washington saw her coming. "Woah, hey Flower Power. What's up, man, you gotta see what the giant robot's-"
She head-butted George and he went flying off into the distance. Just before he became a twinkle and the iconic *ding* sound, his voice saying, "Far out, man" could be heard. Flower than looked at the other hippies. "Anypony else think the war machine is cool?" In a single mob, they all got up and left. "That's what I thought."
Knight's electronically-displayed eyes narrowed at her. "We were having fun. You have caused the cessation of fun."
FP's horn glowed. "Oh, I got your fun right here."
Knight braced. "Reengaging." She deployed her auto cannons again and began shooting. The earth rose up at Flower Power's position, encircling her and protecting her from the blasts. Knight adjusted her aim and fired right at the earthen shield Flower had summoned, knocking it backward with her cannons and sending the hippy spinning. The Magic Gear then chased after it, still firing.
Knight had been built as the prototype Magic Gear, the "perfect defense" Luna envisioned for Equestria. Secretly, Vice Grip had designed them to be able to fight alicorns on equal terms, countering their powerful magic with overwhelming firepower and magic-resistant armor. Despite being beaten and subsequently allying with Dan and the gang, Knight still relished the opportunity to defeat an alicorn in combat, to support Equestria now instead of destroying it. She chased after Flower Power, intent on proving herself.
The dirt shield collapsed but underneath, Flower Power was unscathed. Now with sufficient distance between them, the alicorn summoned all of her natural power at her command. "Captain Planet ain't got *squee* on me! Here's something I learned from Bertha in the Sinnoh region!" She lifted up pillars of earth from the ground and hurled them at her opponent. "Haaaaa!"
Knight continued charging. She blasted the pillars, dodged the debris and galloped on. Flower Power lifted a final, giant ball of rock and sand and heaved it at her.
Leg drive motor fully-charged. Analyzing descent angle. Calculating trajectory. Counter-manuever selected. Executing.
The giant metal pony leapt up and smashed the the boulder into massive shards. An explosion of debris showered the battlefield with such amazing force and power that shockwaves reverberated through the sand. Flower Power was taken off guard by the sudden launch and only looked up in time to see the steel hoof of Knight coming out of the shattered rock to slam down upon her face. "Fu-"
The shockwaves reached Twilight and Spike, knocking over the bag 'o loot. Not that either of them really noticed; Twilight was busy studying the apparently-magical bongo drums while Spike was playing on another set. Neither of them noticed that the hippies nearby seemed to be responding to the drums, either.
Knight removed her massive hoof and checked underneath it. There were no remains of the alicorn she'd slammed on her hoof or the ground. Which meant only one thing.
The ground began to shake underneath Knight. Cracks appeared in the sand and arced outward, shifting and shattering in a jagged web. A glowing ethereal light spread through the cracks and Knight instinctively backed away. She deployed her auto cannons again.
"HeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" The ground exploded in front of Knight, showering dirt and sand all over the battlefield. Flower Power shot up from the crater, her form changed yet again. Her mane and tail now burned in green flames, a matching, burning green aura around her eyes. Her body radiated power and rage, glowing aurora-like lines ran the length of her legs and drew swirls on her body. Flower Power's eyes themselves were glowing yellow-orange balls with a radiating green aura around them, face gritted in pure rage as she stared at Knight.
Energy sept up from the ground beneath them and encircled Flower Power. It came to a point on her horn and grew, becoming a massive pillar of pure, bluish-green magic. It glowed like a lava lamp above her head.
"War is unnatural! YOU ARE UNNATURAL! ALL THOSE WHO GO AGAINST MOTHER NATURE SHALL FEEL HER WRATH!!!"
"Possible hacking detected. Reporting to admin." Before Knight could back away, Flower Power slammed her with the massive energy column like a baseball bat. Knight was sent flying from the blow and crashed into the mesa west of the base. The machine's massive body gouged into the surface of the rock, embedding in the side of the mesa slightly. Knight struggled to get out.
Warning! Heavy damage sustained! Leg drive motors: heavy damaged sustained, auto-repair functions initialized. Error: damage approaching critical levels. Repair functions insufficient. Condition Red! Condition Red!
Although sentient, she was still part machine. Knight's systems blared warnings inside her head, the equivalent of a Magic Gear concussion. She fought through the error messages, struggling to get her processors back online. She pulled herself out of the mesa.
But she never reached the ground. Although her body resisted magic and made it so she couldn't be levitated, Flower Power was more than able to lift the ground and rock around her. The alicorn pulled the rocks containing Knight out of the mesa like pulling a nail out of a two-by-four. For a moment, she looked at Knight, helpless before her. Knight fired her auto cannons at her but missed. It was then the Magic Gear realized its left optical sensor array, in other words, her left eye, had been broken. The grid of lights that made up the surface of her left eyeball had gone out. Although they were repairing themselves, she was blind for the moment.
Her remaining eye watched as Flower Power grinned at her maliciously. She then felt herself rise up from the world, spin around and then the world rise up to meet her face.
Flower Power smashed Knight into the sand, shattering the boulder that contained her into the dirt. Rubble and bits of Knight's armor scattered around the battlefield. In the middle of it all, Knight struggled to stand.
Error- Critic8392103 sustasustasustained. Systems Offlililililine. Critical damage sussssssstained! Emergency! Emergennnnnnncy! What is... what is still working? What can I do? Requestestestest assistanceance. Repairs required. Negative. Repairs not available. Additional susususuport required. Error: Equestrian air forces dedededpleted. They're still... they're still recovering. They need my help. Error: support rerequireded.
Flower Power looked over her helpless prey. "Has the tin soldier finally given up? No one around to recharge your batteries?"
Knight's remaining eye flickered red. She brushed her broken hooves against the ground, struggling to get enough power to lift her own weight.
Criticalalalalalal Critical damage sustained-sususustained. Systems offlineine. Must... stand. Leg drive motors critically damaged. Sys89983 offli-error. Is there anything... anything on me that still works? Communications array online. Wait... so I can call for help? But there is no help. Communications array online. Advisement: request additional support. No one's out there... Communications array online. Advisementment: request- Fine, do it, do it now. Beginning trans33mission.
Knight's ear reconfigured into satellite dish-like shape. An antenna deployed and a tiny red light on the end began to pulse, scanning for frequencies. With systems damaged, Knight now sent a signal to locate any help that remained. She managed to straighten and at least get to her knees.
"Oh, what's this now?" Flower Power asked. "Isn't that pretty? It's like a flower," she said, hovering toward's Knight's ear. "But you're not going to San Francisco, are you? Here," she grabbed Knight's right ear. "LET ME PLANT IT FOR YOU!" Yanking with all her arcane might, She pulled Knight's ear off.
"GAAH!!" Knight screamed in pain, falling over.
Flower Power then hovered back down with Knight's satellite-reconfigred ear and planted it in the sand like a mock flower. The light on it continued to pulse.
"AAAHH! Aaaaahhh!" Knight screamed, holding the side of her head. She writhed on the ground, in pain. Flower, momentarily enamored with her "planting", looked back to Knight.
"Remarkable," she said, coming near her again. "You really do feel pain, don't you? That's incredible." She leapt onto Knight's tummy chassis. She kicked Knight with her hooves. "Let's see exactly how much you can feel, war machine!" She punched Knight in the gut, denting her. Whether the damage was just superficial or because of the damage she'd already sustained, Knight didn't feel much.
I... I have failed. This is defeat... again. Sysysysystems failfailinnnnggg... Maybe I was wrong... maybe... there is no hope for a machine... here.... Power failiiiiiiiierrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... error. Emergency reserves activateded. Operating on reserve powerer only.
"I think I'll show you to Dan and the others. Maybe he'll still give you a new coat of paint, hahahaha!" Flower Power said, cackling.
Behind her, Knight's ear's antenna continued to pulse. Suddenly, the color changed from red to green.
Connection established. Accessing Equestrian Orbital Grid. Wha... what? Connection established to Equestrian Orbital Defense Grid. Support request acknowledged. De...defense grid? Uplink engaged... awaiting response...
Knight's ear still continued to broadcast, even disconnected from her body. Linked with her communications systems, it sent a signal to several disused Enclave relay stations, which transmitted the signal into orbit. The antenna pulsed blue as it transmitted the exact instructions.
Response acknowledged. Accessing Defense Grid... Locating closest platform... .......Confirmed. ARCHIMEDES-V-class Orbital Defense Platform designate Daisy-3 awaiting instructions. Satellite... it's a satellite in orbit. Does it have any weapons? Error. Daisy-3 awaiting instructions. Ahh... unnnnhh, activate close fire support protocols! HELP! HELP!! Acknowledged. Daisy-3 reports repositioning. Estimated one minute to engage. I... I have to distract her. Keep her in range... overcharge emergency batteries! Warning! Safeguards engaged! Unstable power regulation- Disable safeguards, overcharge battery now!! Acknowledged... done.
Knight's working eye flared to full power. She lifted her right foreleg and swiped, smacking Flower Power off her chest. The massive machine then got to her hooves, breathing hard as her inner systems worked beyond their own limitations. Her backup power completely drained, she was now running on pure adrenaline.
"Oh, so you didn't quite get enough? Got some spare double-As in there somewhere, have you?"
"I could beat you if I was powered by a potato clock."
Flower Power grinned. "Well, I would approve of that," she said, summoning another magical spear. "After all, that would be green energy." She swung the energy column at her again.
But Knight was ready this time. She ducked, and Flower Power swung it back around again. Knight grabbed it, negating the magic's effective force. Flower Power had a firm grip of it with her horn and the two wrestled with it. Unfortunately, the alicorn proved the stronger and used the column to flip Knight on her back again. She then raised it high above them both.
"Dan should've picked a hybrid!" She swung it down at Knight.
The Magic Gear rolled out of the way at the last second. The column smashed into the dirt right next to her. Knight didn't waste the opportunity; she turned and dove at Flower Power. The alicorn was taken off guard by the machine's maneuverability. While distracted trying to hit her with her magic, Flower Power was completely unprepared for Knight's lunge at her. Knight tackled her to the ground. Before she could get back up again, Knight grabbed her own removed ear and planted it on Flower Power while she was stuck to the ground. Using her ear, she held Flower Power in place.
"Ennngh! UNNNGH!!" Flower struggled to raise her hooves. Her magic wasn't able to lift the machine holding her down. "You're... you're too strong!" Red lines cascaded down from the sky. They became huge pillars of crimson light surrounding the two combatants. The red lines then closed in on them.
"Strong enough."
"Ennnnaaaah!!" She screamed, still struggling. "What's the point of this?! What's the point of having weapons like you to "defend" Equestria? You're too dangerous to be near anyone safely! What's the point of having all this power?!?!" The red lines focused on Knight's ear... which was still pressing on Flower Power's stomach.
"Deterrence."
"What the hell is deterrence?!"
Firing sequence engaged.
"I am deterrence."
A giant red-white beam of energy pierced the blue sky and hit the ground. It blasted through Knight's ear, through Flower Power and exploded. A wall of fire and magic, two different powerful forces combined erupted from the impact and bloomed outward. The mesa nearby collapsed and the wall of fire expanded outward. It stopped just short of the base.
Twilight and Spike, now in command of the hippy herd, rode them as a wave towards Knight's position.
"Knight! Knighty, where are you?!" Twilight yelled.
They both looked around. "I don't see either of them, Twilight."
"We should've intervened... we should've tried to help," Twilight said.
"She would've gone all-out, Twilight. She might've tried to use us as hostages," Spike reminded her. "It looks like they both really went at it. The whole field is covered in rubble."
Twilight lowered her head. "I know... we'll have to start digging if we want to get them out. Or... what's left of them."
"Not necessary." Knight limped out of the cloud of debris, picked up her blasted ear off the ground and reattached it to her head.
"Knight!" Twilight flew up to to her big metal friend and hugged her battered muzzle.
"Mission successful?"
"Yes! Yes, you did a great job," Twilight said, nuzzling and being nuzzled by Knight. "We're just happy you're okay."
"I am fine. May require juice box... or maybe tea."
"We'll get you whatever you need. Big trooper." They hugged and squee'd.
"You'll... need more... than tea..." Flower Power said. Her voice was higher now and strained, she weakly crawled out of the rubble behind them. "You're going... to lead us... all... to... ruin..."
They turned to her. The alicorn was no longer Celestia-sized. Her empowered form had been reduced to scorched green remains that clung to her hooves. It slowly dissolved from her, leaving a smaller Twilight-sized alicorn underneath, her regular form revealed.
"Why are you doing all of this?" Twilight asked, flying down to her. "Do you just want the zebras to conquer all of us?"
She scowled at Twilight like a teenager. "What'd be so bad about that?"
"There's a lot bad about that," Twilight said. "For one, they don't allow the use of magic."
"Or technology," Spike added.
"Outside of potions and simple tools, that is," Knight added as well.
"Pffft, like we need any of this... junk," Flower Power said. "The zebras follow nature's plan and look at them. They're powerful, they kicked your asses and everypony else that's ever stood against them. That's all there is to it- nature always has a plan."
Twilight stood. "Well, we have different plans. And we're not going to have you going against them."
"Hahaha... like you can stop me. My strength always returns quickly. You won't beat me next time," Flower Power said, chuckling.
Twilight hopped up on Knight's back. "I'm not going to give you a next time." She whispered something in Knight's ear. Knight then turned so Twilight could whisper into her good ear.
"Affirmative. Commencing firing sequence." Knight's horn began to glow. Although it was no longer a Sword Spell, she was capable of one very powerful form of magic.
"What... what are you doing?"
"You tried to trap us, to sabotage and bring harm to Equestria. You entranced and endangered its citizens in violation of your own treaty. There's only one punishment for this," Twilight said. She flew up from Knight's chassis. "As a princess of Equestria, I am sorry. But this is for your own good." Knight aimed at Flower Power.
The summer-yellow alicorn looked around. "What is this? Banishment? You think Tartarus can hold me? In case you forgot, the moon's already been taken. Ask Vice Grip if you don't believe me."
Twilight glared at her. "We intend to. By the power I've been granted, I hereby banish you, Flower Power!"
"Wait, no-!"
"I hope you learn something from all of this!!" Knight unleashed a blast of white-blue magic at her.
"NOOOOO!!!" It hit the alicorn where she crawled in the sand. She was too weak to block it, to summon any magic to defend against it, even if it wasn't the Elements of Harmony, it was still powerful enough to teleport Flower Power far away.
Banishing magic could be consider the opposite of summoning magic. They were both types of teleportation magic, and the stronger and the more a unicorn or alicorn knew about magic, the stronger the effect. When Nightmare Moon was banished using the Elements of Harmony, the Elements also sealed her, but in truth, they were two different spells: banishment and imprisonment. Imprisonment magic seals the target and prevents them from using magic or escaping whatever they are imprisoned to. Knight used a lower form of banishing magic.
"Woah..." George Washington said. "Who the heck was that chick?"
"She was evil. I didn't like her," another hippy said.
"Five-oh got the job done, tho."
Twilight smiled at Knight. "C'mon. Let's go get some tea."
"Yay! Engaging approval sequence!" The three of them walked back to the base, eager for rest and recuperation. And to find Dan before he burned the place down.... again.
Earth, U.S.A Salt Lake City, Utah
Flower Power landed in an alley next to a building. She lifted her head up... and realized quickly that she had hands. She was human, more or less, and wearing hippy-esque clothes.
"Where... am I?" She looked down. "Oh... wait, is this the Canterlot High dimension?" She stepped outside the alley. "This might not be so bad."
A group of people passed her, all different and multi-colored skin, just like the movie. She smiled, hands on her hips, deciding she could get used to this.
One of them, another girl, stopped by her. "Hi there! Are you going to the service?"
"Service?" FP asked. "Service for what?"
The girl giggled. "Sunday morning service, silly! It's almost starting!"
"Sunday morning?" Flower Power ran out to the sidewalk. Across the street was a billboard for FOX News. Next to her was a bus bench with an ad on it with Rush Limbaugh's face on it. "Conservative media?! Where am I?!" And finally, she saw it across the parking lot. The building she'd landed next to had a huge sign out in front. It read: CHURCH OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS. SERVICE 7-11:30. Bakesale this Monday!
Flower Power felt her jaw drop. "La... latter-day saints?! No... not mormons! ANYTHING BUT MORMONS!!!" Behind her, the church bell let out a single, loud *gong*. She fell to her knees and yelled, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Behind her, a man with orange hair shook his head at the sight of her. "You wouldn't have lasted a day in the Puppet Dimension," Hoss Delgado said.
"..."(Genius... sociopath... narcissist. My best friend... and budding war criminal. Sure, we'll go with genius.) "Yeah..."
Dan looked back at Phoenix and smiled. "You gotta admit, this is a pretty great idea."
"Great in a lot of ways, I'm sure, Dan."
"I know!" Dan ran up to the nearest helpless hippy. "See? We solve two problems at the same time."
"By launching the hippies at the zebras?"
"Exactly! The carriers needed ammo, we need to get rid of these hippies, so we-"
"Shoot them at the zebras out of the cannons," they both said simultaneously. "But the zebras resisted bombs. Like, actual bombs. How is setting the hippies on fire and dropping them instead going to beat the zebras?"
Dan grinned. "If it doesn't, at least we'll be rid of the hippies." He and Phoenix had been busy while Knight fought Flower Power, busy tying up the rest of the hippies and dousing them in gasoline. They were in the middle of committing their almost-crime against humanity when Twilight and Spike arrived.
"Phoenix! Dan!"
"Oh! Crap, uh... hi, Twilight!" Phoenix yelled, tossing down an empty jerry can. "This isn't what it looks like."
The purple alicorn took one look at the hippies, bound together and covered in gasoline. "Dan's going to set the hippies one fire and launch them at the zebras?"
"Wow!" Dan's head poked up from the back of the crowd. "That's exactly right!"
"That's incredible," Phoenix remarked, joining Twilight. "How did you know?"
Twilight grinned. "I thought like Dan," she answered, just a slight amount of adorkable purple smart pone pride in her voice.
"Wait... you can do that?" Spike asked. "People can actually... think like Dan?"
"For some reason, I find that thought terrifying," Phoenix said.
"Be very afraid, Nicky," Dan said, patting his friend on the back. "But yes, I am planning on- I mean, WE are planning on using the hippies as makeshift ammo against the zebras. That's very good, Twilight," he said, patting her on the head and horn. "You're getting a gold Dan star when we get back to the treehouse!"
*Obligatory group cheering* "Yayyyyy!"
"Hahaha, thank goodness Dan is so predictable," Spike said.
"Haha, yeah," Phoenix agreed. (And today's Dan Forecast includes a one-hundred percent chance of overreaction followed by revenge! Same as yesterday! And the day before! And the day before! And the-"
"Hahaha... wait," Dan stopped laughing. "What do you mean I'm predictable? HOW AM I PRE-"
"HOW AM I PREDICTABLE?!"
"STOP DOING THAT!"
"-THAT!"
"GNNNRRRRRR-"
"RRRRRRRRRRR!!" They all mimicked Dan, accurately timing themselves with each of his reactions, and even his stances. He stood there, huffing, and even they did before slowly realizing what effect they were having on him.
"It's okay, Dan," Phoenix said, patting Dan's shoulder. "I'm sorry we mocked you but... you have to admit, that was kind of fun."
"I'm sorry, Dan," Twilight said, hugging her friend.
"It's okay, it's okay," he said, hugging them ONCE before pushing them away. "I get the point. Maybe I'm not always the most... subtle guy."
They were all silent for another moment. "Are you... are you being serious?"
"But now isn't the time for subtlety. You guys might know me but the zebras-"
"Have already seen our battle tactics and successfully countered them during an engagement once," Twilight finished for him.
"Which means, we change up our tactics," Dan said. "We hit them from the air last time, but THIS time we'll be going at it from a whole different angle. Let's go get Gust and our pegasi! I want to tell everyone about the new plan!" he said, bolting off towards the carriers.
"Well, there's always next time for subtlety," Twilight said. Her two other gentlemen friends agreed and followed Dan to the griffon ships.
Behind them, they left the hippies tied in a massive gas-drenched collection, helpless in the sand.
"So... uh, what do we do now?"
"Should we try to escape? Does anyyak have something to cut through these bindings?"
"Shh-shh-shush!" one of the hippies in the back yelled. "You don't have the talking stick!"
"Oh, crap. Forgot about tha-"
"SHHH!" The pile of hippies was silent. One of the deer hippies spotted a stick, which according to hippy law could be used as a temporary talking stick. She reached for it in the sand, just slightly out of her reach.
When they reached the carriers, they were surprised to see another crowd gathered by the loading ramp. Chrys, Tuxley, now non-metal Fluffle Puff and Reggie were among them.
"Guys!" Twilight called.
"Chrys!"
"Dan!" The changeling queen flew over the crowd and glomped her boyfriend. Fluffle was quick to follow, turning it into a three-way. Three-way glomp, you pervs. "I missed youuuuu."
"I missed you, toooooo."
"It's been twenty minutes," Phoenix said.
"Really? Felt a lot longer than that," Dan said. "Like... almost two or three weeks."
Chrys nodded. "Dem chapter updates do."
Gust hovered down next to them. "Good to see you guys have... rejoined us. So, we got a situation."
"We know," Dan said, getting up with his love bug girlfriend. "Ships are broken and we don't have any ammo."
"Worse than that," Gust held up his claw. "The zebras hit our fliers with some kind of poison joke chemical weapon. Biological warfare. Our squadrons are out of action until we get them treated."
"Poison joke... a poison joke weapon?" Twilight repeated. "That's... that's so evil. How could they do something like this?"
"I think it might've been those spears," Gust said. "They definitely seemed magical somehow."
"Those... fascists!" Dan yelled. "We should hit THEM with..." his fiends' looks silenced him. He lowered his arms, realizing that not only is an exact retaliation exactly what they would expect, it was what the zebras would expect, too. "Okay, fine. No biological warfare response. How are we going to fix are pegasi and griffon...i?"
Tuxley bowed. "Well, if it wasn't too presumptuous of us, Reginald and I did decide to call in assistance to aid in the epidemic." The t-rex pressed a button and the doors to the ship's interior opened. Behind it was the only being in Equestria that really knew how to treat poison joke.
"Hello, all! Ponies, hippies, griffons, reptiles and men! It's good to see you all!" she approached them, bowing. "And Twilight... it is good to see you, once again."
ZEEEEBRAAAAA!!!" Dan yelled, charging at Zecora. Twilight lifted him off his feet, forcing him to run in midair, hands outstretched towards Zecora.
Spike shrugged. "Preeee-dictable."
"To be fair, you'd do the same if a zebra came between you and Rarity," Phoenix said.
Spike shrugged. "Touche..."
Zecora walked up to where Dan was suspended. "So this must be Dan whom you've told me much about?" she tapped her chin. "I can tell right away there wasn't much you've left out."
"Yep, this is our Dan," Twilight said, Dan still snarling above her. "Zecora, it's so good to see you!" she said, hugging her old zebra friend.
"And to you it is too, my dear Twilight. I hope that at least with you, things are all right?"
"More or less," Twilight admitted. "Dan, this is Zecora, she's another friend of mine. You can stop trying to kill her now."
"Yeah, I kinda guessed that," Dan said, as her magic hovered him back to the floor. "So, is she going to help us with the poison joke epidemic?"
Zecora nodded. "That is what I have come here to do, and your ailments I will treat. Together, we shall get on your army back on its feet."
"We would be most appreciative," Twilight said. "I'm sure Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy will be glad to see you, too."
"We'll all do our best to help. We'll follow your lead, Zecora," Chrys said. She held Dan's hands in her hooves. "Won't we Dan?"
"Uh, yeah? What? You thought I'd be against helping my own troops?"
"You're not exactly the first to try a healing approach," Chrys reminded him.
"Yeah, how many times have we narrowly escaped an explosion and you just told us to walk it off?" Phoenix asked.
"Okay, okay! Please, can we just heal up our winged warriors so we can get back to fighting the zebras?"
Gust patted him on the back. "Sounds good, Broletariat uprising. Don't worry about them calling you "predictable" either. Heck, Ima pirate! They always expect me to steal stuff."
"Because you do. Because you're a pirate," Dan said back.
"Touche, Bromancing the Stone," he pulled something out of his feather-pocket. "By the way, you'll probably want your wallet back," he said with a grin.
Dan smiled back. "That's not my wallet."
Gust looked at it. "But I got it out of your pocket." He opened up the wallet and it exploded in his face. Gust's sunglasses were instantly de-rimmed and his feathers were singed by the micro-blast.
Dan grinned and slapped Gust on the back. "Decoy wallet. Had the Blasties put an explosive charge in it. How's that for predictable?"
"Not... bad... bro... Dan. Are we... going to the... medical deck now?"
"Looks like it."
"Would you carry... me?"
"Sure thing, Barbrossa," Dan said. He grabbed Gust by his back claw and dragged him as he followed the others.
Just as Vice Grip was working on yet another "breakthrough", the power fluctuated in the base again. The lights in the halls flickered and went out, casting the entire mountain fortress in pitch-black darkness for a while. The Director's giggled could be heard from seemingly every part of the base, the echoing laughter of the sinister mare, lurking somewhere in the darkness. Creeped the hell out of Springer, Spinner and Vice himself, though now was mostly an annoyance. Although Vice suspected the Director was behind these power outages, she really wasn't; no, someone else was responsible for the power loss in the villain's base.
Opalescence walked casually through the halls of the base. Even though it was dark, to her, it might as well have been open to the sun. She hopped over the cables she'd just scratched through and enjoyed the angry noises Vice Grip made as he searched in vain for the fuse box. The lights would return when she wanted them to, not before.
Being a cat, Opal knew she was allotted a certain, precious few fucks to give over the course of the day. After listening to Vice Grip for thirty minutes, she had exhausted all of them. There was only so much anyone could take of the scientist jabbering on about how he should rule Equestria and destroy the Earth before she wanted to claw her own ears off. So she enjoyed listening to him be frustrated. THAT was fun to her.
To most ponies and humans, cats were cute. As such, Opal and her fellow cats in the Free Feline Federation allowed sentient beings to care for them. Opal did very much love her pet Rarity and her pet's sister Sweetie Belle. They were so good to her and such good friends that Opal and her fellow pony/human owners just had to save them. Of course, being a cat, saving the world was what they did, usually through their psychic connection that allowed them to maintain the balance and harmony of the universe. So this was easy for her, and a slight detour just to piss off Vice Grip was worth it. Sooooo worth it.
People who think they control them and especially those who think they control the world, to Opal and her kin, THAT was cute.
Opal followed the corridor to a maintenance room usually reserved for Spritebots. Using her innate cat abilities, she easily rewired the suite's terminal to broadcast a signal to her comrades on Earth. Within a few moments, the face of Opal's superior appeared on screen.
Mister Mumbles, or as she was known to her fellow cats, Master Mumbles, was the lead feline operative on Earth. She appeared on Dan's bed in his studio apartment, curled on the edge of it. When her monitor responded, Mister Mumbles could see Opal. "Mrow." Report.
"Reeeer rooooorrrrowww rowow mrrrrrrr." Situation is grim. The scientist continues to advance his work. The danger is progressing at exponential rate, I do not know how when we will be able to stop him.
Mister Mumbles nodded. Her expression always seemed to be cheery no matter what. "Mew. Mewew mrow owwrrow meowrow. Mowmeowmeow rowor mrow." Understood. We are working to counter the threat on this end, but we require more time. I have faith that my human will resolve this.
Opal raised one of her elegantly groomed eyebrows. "Meow wowow rorerrrr mewrow." You place a lot of faith in your human.
"Mrrrrrrow. Mrowow rowmeow meow mrrrow meowrowrow." I do. Dan is a good person and has proven himself many times before.
"Rrrrrmmmrrowrrrrrrmm. Mrrow. Mrrowow row meowow mrrrewowrrrrmm. Meow." He has his hands full over here. We need to buy more time. From Earth or Equestria.
"Nnnnrrrrowmrrr." Then buy time.
"Row?" How?
Mister Mumbles cuddled into herself, curling up into a ball. This was a cat's meditative deep-cognitive thought state where they contemplated the nature of the multiverse, the infinite possibilities in a realm of uncertainty and coalesced the great mysteries of life into organized philosophical expressions of incredible wisdom that only cats and their owners could truly understand. They also digested large meals and licked themselves, as Mister Mumbles now did.
"Mrowmrow meow meow row. Mrrrrrmeow mrowowrrrrerrr mrow. Meow!" Cooperate with our contact in the library. Do whatever you must but slow Vice Grip down. Hurry!
Opal saluted. "Mrrrrm." For us.
"Mnnnnmmm." For us all. The monitors switched off and the main power in Prosperity Base switched on. Opal then made her way out of the maintenance shaft, down the hall and outside of the base. Even if the surveillance systems picked her up, they were all set to monitor unauthorized activities by ponies or supposedly "higher creatures." None of them, not the guards or the cameras paid attention to a single white cat.
San Garry's Mod International Airport Trans-Tolerable Airways Flight 1813
"We've been at this for hours," Chris complained. "If he was still here, we would've found something by now!"
He and Elise finally made their way back to where they'd been seated. "No one saw him get off the plane. He has to still be here." She opened an overhead bin and began tossing the contents over her head, forcing Chris to duck.
"I think-ah! We should-ehh! Elise!"
"What?!"
"I think we should let the airlines handle it!" he said quickly.
Elise turned around, almost glaring at him. "How can you say that? Dan's your best friend! He'd be doing the same thing if you were missing!"
Chris shrugged. "Would he?"
She groaned at him, turning back to the bin. She pulled out a black duffle bag with the word JERK emblazoned on it. It resembled a Nike logo but underneath were the words "Don't Try It", a mockery of the 'Just Do It' slogan and a clear message to anyone who might tamper with the bag. "Hey... it's Dan's luggage!" She lugged it down, so heavy it almost pulled her to the floor. "Holy crap... what does he have in here?" Elise tried to open it but the zipper caught.
"I don't think we should try to open that. Dan wouldn't like it."
She struggled with the bag. "For all we know, he's in here... darn, this thing is tricky."
Chris rubbed his neck. Dan had his own way of doing everything and it was likely he even had a special way of unzipping his duffle bag. Not only that, it was probably boobytrapped. "Elise, I really don't think this is a good idea."
She sighed. "You wanna go wait in the food court?"
"Yeah. I'm gonna use the bathroom first." He started walking towards the lavatory.
"You're gonna use the stall on the plane? Why don't you just go back to the terminal?"
"I gotta go! C'mon, Elise, gimme a break!"
"Fine, fine. I'm gonna keep working with this."
Chris walked back to the lavatory. He reached for the door and hesitated. He noticed right next to it, the emergency exit had almost the exact same configuration, markings, everything. Someone could easily mistake one for the other, maybe even get sucked out of the plane. For a brief moment, he thought it was possible the exact same thing could've happened to Dan. He decided that was almost impossible and opened the door.
But there was no bathroom on the other side. Instead, only open sky. Not even the airport was outside, which he was pretty sure it should have been. "Hey, Elise honey?"
"Yeah?"
"Are we flying right now?"
"Uh, no. Why?"
Chris tried to answer, but Elise couldn't hear him; he'd been sucked out of the plane. The door closed shut.
"Chris? Chris?" Elise walked back to the lavatory, still carrying Dan's duffle bag best she could. "Chris, are you still in the bathroom?" She asked, knocking on the door. The bathroom read unoccupied. She opened the door... and was greeted with a view of the clouds. In the distance, one of them looked pink. Looking down, she thought she saw the ocean far below, past where the tarmac should've been. "Well, crap." She was sucked out as well.
The door closed behind her. A security guard walked on the plane shortly after that.
"Hello? Did you guys find anything?" Officer Larry Buttz asked. No one answered him.
Treating the poison joke-afflicted ponies and griffons was easy once Zecora got started. Twilight, Chrys and the others pitched in to help heal the injured in the ship's medical deck and Dan learned he was not a gifted nurse. After trying to reset a griffon's fractured rear talon with a hammer, he was asked to offer bandages and get food and drinks to the patients. He was a lot better at that form of healing, an important procedure in its own right.
Rainbow Dash helped as well, being one of the first that was treated. Spike found out about her sudden "hair-raising moment" but he didn't berate his friend with it.
"Number twenty-five's a good one," Spike said, stroking an imaginary stache.
Rainbow hovered up to Dan, looking innocent. "So... are we going up against the zebras again? Because if we are, we're gonna need more medical supplies. And ammo. And bombs!"
Dan folded his arms. "I ALMOST solved that problem, Rainbow. Almost!"
"Why almost?"
"Hmph. Because apparently, it's "highly illegal" and "a crime against Equestria" to try and set the hippies on fire and launch them at the zebras," Dan said, using air quotes. "And I'm a "violent sociopath" and "unethical" and "probably mentally unstable" for suggesting it. All you have to do is say it's a bad idea, I'll get the picture!"
"Who called you all that stuff?"
"Freaking Sharp Winter. His leftover gas canisters were all we had left that burns."
"So now the Flutterbirds are outta gas?"
"Among other things," Dan said. "We'll come up with something, though. Something that's more... "humane" I guess, whatever that means."
Rainbow put a hoof on Dan's shoulder. "I'm sure you guy's will think of something."
"We kind of have to, or we're all screwed," Phoenix said. "We will, though. Thanks for your support, Rainbow."
She grinned sheepishly at him, blushing just slightly. "Aw, right back at ya, Nix." Rainbow was fiercely loyal to her friends, especially those that stood up for her, so it made since she bonded with Phoenix.
Someone, or something new approached Dan and the others. No one saw him enter the room or noticed any of the doors open, yet here he was.
He grabbed Dan's arm. "I need you to come with me."
"What the- woah," Dan turned, coming face-to-face with a shiny, gold-armored figure. He bore a resemblance to a griffon but was more upright, not unlike one of Spike's statues. But the dragon was with Twilight. "Who... what the hell are you?" They all turned to face the newcomer, surprised on all their faces to say the least.
The golden stranger took a step back. "I am... a friend," he said, sounding a little nervous. "Dan, I need you to come with me. Now."
"I don't remember making friends with a golden goose," Dan said. "These chicken-lions, maybe but not... whatever you are." The golden figure was imposing, but not intimidating. The armor on its face and eyes did not move, like the suit he was wearing was some kind of golden full-body mask. It reminded Phoenix of an Egyptian sarcophagus if it had been combined with a medieval knight's suit of armor.
"Who I am is not important. I assure you, however, that I am an ally of yours and Twilight's and I have come here to bring you information," he said. "Please, it is imperative that you follow me. It's just down the hall."
"What's your name?" Phoenix asked. "Are you... this is a disguise of some kind, you're wearing?"
"Uh-um, I'd rather not say."
"That's not really much to go on, buddy," Dan said, arms folded. "How did you even get aboard our doughnut ship anyway?"
"I, uh, well..." the stranger paused, considering his words.
The doors opened to the room and Twilight rushed in. "Guys! We captured a-oh!" Twilight stopped. "You're here already."
"Yes, I- I wanted to check on Rainbow Dash," the golden one explained. He then turned to Rainbow and asked, "You are okay, aren't you?"
"Yeah, hey," the pegasus rose an eyebrow at him, "where have I seen you before?"
"I've... been around. I'm on your side, as always."
"As always?" Phoenix repeated.
"Dan, listen. Edge and Derpy captured one of the zebras," Twilight said. "You need to come see this."
"Oooooh, is it interrogation time?"
Gust, on one of the hospital beds recovering, raised a talon to offer his own advice. "Please don't try waterboarding again."
"There won't be a need for that," Twilight assured them. "Not this time, anyway. C'mon, hurry!"
"Alright, fine," Dan said, following along with the others. "Gust, you're in charge here while I'm gone. Help Zecora treat the rest of our fliers!"
"No."
Twilight led Dan and the others to the ship's brig, which was located directly under the bridge. To griffons, prisoners were also valuable because they could be ransomed back to whoever they belonged to, so it made sense to keep them close and take good care of them. The cells were designed like mini-birdcages but had plenty of comforts for different species. Rogue Squadron was gathered around one of the ones in the back, some of them inside and others outside watching while Wes kept the door closed.
"Yub yub guys, good to see ya again," the yellow pony greeted. "You must be here to see our new recruit."
"New recruit?" Dan and Phoenix asked. "I don't like where this is going."
Wes opened the door. "See for yourself."
They entered. Edge Antares, Derpy and Daring Do stood on either side of the zebra. Derpy held the zebra's spear and Daring held the zebra's shield while the orange stallion examined him.
"I still can't see anything. Bioscans aren't picking up anything unusual."
"What are you guys looking for?" Phoenix asked.
"Transceiver, a receiver or relay of some kind that could pick up or amplify signals," Edge answered.
"Basically, like a walkie talkie or something," Derpy clarified, looking at the spear again.
"Why would he have one of those?" Dan asked. "Is he trying to tell the rest of the horde our location?!"
"I do not understand," the zebra said. "I am sorry, but I do not know who any of you are." He looked around the room, confused. "Where are we?"
Dan shrugged. "I don't get it. He has amnesia or something?"
"We should show him," Daring said. "Derpy, get ready gain."
"Okay..."
Twilight stepped up. Her magic encircled the zebra, lifting him up off the chair.
"What is... what are you doing?"
"Okay, carefully... now." Derpy and Daring lifted up the shield and spear.
"What's going on? Is this magic or-" And then they touched them to his hooves. "I'LL KILL YOU ALL, LET ME DOWN YOU ARCANIST FILTH! I'LL RIP YOUR LIMBS OFF IF YOU DON-" He snarled angrily, eyes red and practically bulging out of his sockets.
"Heh, that's a pretty good impression of me. As a zebra," Dan remarked, chuckling.
The two pegasi removed the items. "TAKE YOUR BONES AND- hey, what are you doing with those?"
"You see what's happening?" Twilight asked. "It's some kind of reaction; the same thing happened with the hippies. Certain items, like the hippies' clothes puts them under a spell. They can then be controlled through rhythmic vibrations that resonate through these items when music or something is played. This is probably how Zen Zeal controls his army."
Dan touched both the spear and the shield to the zebra again. "RARRRRRRAAAGGGARRRRRRAAA!!" He then removed them. "Is there something wrong?" the zebra asked.
"Fascinating. It's like a homicidal rage button," he said, touching them to him again. "Murder mode on!" He touched him with them again.
"RARRR!"
"Murder mode off!" He removed the them. "On!"
"RARRR!!"
"Off!"
"Dan..."
"On!"
"HAAARRRRAARREEEG!"
"Off!"
"Dan!"
"On!"
"GLLLLRRRRLLLRAAAARRRSSSAAAA Pauly Shore!"
"Off!" Twilight declared. She grabbed the weapons with her magic. "Stop triggering the zebra!"
"Awwww," Dan said. "Okay, yeah, sorry, but that was too much fun."
"This coming from the king of being triggered?" Phoenix asked. (Not that I'm asking for trouble, just that... I'm asking.)
But Dan expressed no hostility at the question. "It is a privilege to be enraged, Nicky. Not like, well, whatever the hell magic that was but I mean like to be really, really angry. It's a gift to feel such anger, to be so mad about something your hands feel like claws, that you could use them to rip the throat out of whoever's pissing you off, to use their own ribcage to gouge out their eyes and-"
"I get the idea," Phoenix said, patting Dan's arms back down. Even as Dan was going into detail of the enraging process, he was beginning to get more and more worked up. "I understand what you mean, though. Having that much anger means you have a lot of passion within you that can motivate you when you need it."
"But yeah, whatever this is isn't that. This is like, unnatural brainwashing rage. Hypnorage," Dan explained.
Twilight set the zebra and the items down. The group then walked out of the brig. "We need to work on some kind of counter-signal, a way to block Zen Zeal's orders," Twilight said. "If we can do that, we could force them to retreat, maybe even make peace with them. Even if we're only able to break the control on some of them, we could make them fight each other and we might beat them that way."
"This is astounding," Chrys commented. "It's almost like Zen Zeal's forcing all the zebras under him to fight. I know magic like that, but I've never really used any myself."
Phoenix rubbed his chin. "We can't jump to any conclusions. I think what we need to do is investigate more about the zebras, see how they work and try to see if separating them from the horde works the same way."
"Yes!" Dan raised his fists. "We get to fight the zebras again!" He immediately ran down the hallway, laughing maniacally.
"I was just going to suggest we try capturing another one!" Phoenix shouted after him. A few moments later, the intercom crackled harshly.
"This is CAPTAIN Dan to all able-forces! If you can walk, get your butts, flanks, tail feathers and whatever else up to the bridge for immediate tactical briefing!"
"You heard him, everypony," Twilight announced. "Back to war." Most of them groaned, Chrys did not. She merrily began skipping up to see Dan on the bridge.
The bridge was mostly repaired when Dan arrived; Gust's crew was out fixing other things. He hung up the intercom and waited, timing how long it took them to get there. It was then Dan noticed he wasn't the only one on the ship's bridge.
"I'll see that it's done. I'm able to do that, at the very least. You're certain you don't want the Frigate for support? The cannon might be useful against the zebras."
"It's more important that you do what you can to delay Vice. He's more dangerous than the others."
"I understand," Colress said. "And you?"
"I have to do this," the Gold Baron answered. "They're family."
Colress nodded. "I'll do whatever I can."
"Thank you. Prepare quickly, we'll be going soon."
"Of course." The scientist stepped into a strange, circular tile on the floor and disappeared. The Baron stood in front of it, head down in contemplation, or something, for several long moments in silence.
Dan walked over to him. "So... what the heck was that about?"
"Ah, uh, Dan, yes. That was... another issue. It's nothing you need to worry about. How long have you been here?"
"Oh, okay," Dan said, nodding like he understood. "I just got here, didn't feel like interrupting your private conversation on the bridge of my can't-carry-aircraft-worth-a-crap aircraft carrier."
"But this is Gust's ship."
"And Gust works for me. And I work for Twilight, so technically it's Twilight's ship, but she kind of asked us not to convert any new planes or choppers or whatever into personal vehicles shaped like her head," Dan said, sitting in the pilot's seat. "I feel like I still could convince her to sign off on the Twilicarrier, though."
The Baron shook his head. "I really don't think she would."
Dan leaned forward. "And you know her how, exactly?"
"I..." he motioned towards his helmet, then stopped. "That's not important. Also, that wasn't what I wanted to show you."
"What do you mean?"
"You left early," the Gold Baron said. "There's something else you need to see."
"Alright, then," Dan said, folding his arms. "I am sitting comfortably, on the bridge of MY aircraft carrier, giving an audience to a shiny, steampunk superhero who says I need to see something. You may proceed."
"Thanks." The Baron stepped into another mysterious floor tile and disappeared for a second.
"The heck?" Dan stood. "Why did no one tell me there were teleporters on this ship? I ran up six flights of stairs when I could've used this thing!" He then thought for a moment. "AND WHERE THE HECK IS EVERYPONY ELSE?!?!"
The teleporter flashed again and the Baron returned. He was holding the zebra prisoner he'd just spoken to.
"I've seen that before," Dan said.
The Baron set him down. "Not... quite."
"What are you doing? Let go of me! Who are you people?!!" the zebra demanded, flailing.
The Gold Baron restrained him with a single arm and claw. With the other, he held up the spear, the shield already strapped to the zebra's back.
Dan backed up. "Uhhh... you're not gonna flip his murder switch, are you?"
"Again, not quite." He touched him with the spear. The zebra's struggles turned into violent flails.
"AHHHAA!! Where are you, you filth! Scum, infidels, release me and I'll-!"
The Gold Baron released him. Unlike before, the zebra's hooves were bound behind his back. He still struggled, but was contained. "We want to speak to Zen Zeal," the Baron said.
The zebra snarled. "You don't deserve that honor! We are one, we are his legion, we are not your-"
"Tell him we know who he is."
"YOU WILL BE RENDED LIMB FROM LIMB! YOUR BONES SCATTERED TO THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE LAND! YOUR NAMES WILL BE-"
The Gold Baron folded his arms. "Ask him if he remembers Borleias."
The zebra's foaming violence suddenly began to melt the moment the words hit his ears. His expression began to change from hot rage to cold rage, a deeper and more reserved anger. His eyes narrowed and focused on the Baron. Slowly, the zebra got up. With barely a twitch of his fetlocks, he broke his restraints and stood on two legs. He stared at the Gold Baron, his very presence now radiating a dark hatred.
"How do you know of Borleias?" the zebra asked, his voice changed.
The Baron paced backward to Dan. "Before I answer that, Dan, may I introduce you to Zen Zeal. He's speaking through the zebra through a type of linked voodoo, part of their dark magic."
"Voo-doo?" Dan repeated. "So what, he's like, "assuming direct control" or something?"
"Precisely."
Dan walked over to the zebra. "So, you're projecting Zen Zeal, the top zebra guy right now?"
The zebra looked at Dan, utter disdain in his eyes. "I am Zen Zeal, General of the Legions of the Zebra Kingdom. And you are... Dan, Captain. Of the Sparkle Guard."
"Eeyep. And I have a message to you from me and the rest of the Sparkle Guard."
He looked back at him coldly. "And that is?"
"This." Dan hauled back and punched the zebra right in the muzzle. "Ow!" The human pulled back his hand. The zebra barely moved, didn't even look away. "Crap, are you made of iron or something?!"
The zebra smiled at him, which was somehow worse than his previous expression. "You are fortunate I cannot respond in kind. I am quite certain you would not survive one of my "messages."
"Your "certainty" is something that's been your undoing before," the Baron said, walking around him. "If you recall Borleias."
Zen Zeal's puppet turned to him again. "You know that name. You know what it means to me. Tell me how you know these things."
"Ah, but Dan has to be brought up to speed."
"Yeah, that would help," the human said, sitting down again.
"Dan, Zen Zeal is a ruse. He's not real, he's an illusion," the Gold Baron explained. "This is the real... person behind the illusion. This is Czulkang Lah. Former warmaster of the Yuuzhan Vong."
"The you-what?" Dan asked. "So, he's a fake zebra or something?"
The baron shook his head. "No, he's a real zebra. But a long time ago, he was a member of a galaxy-conquering technophobic, xenophobic alien species that committed genocide on every planet they touched. He was defeated though... by more than a few "clever minds."
Dan sat there, mouth half-agape for another few long moments. When he finally processed all the information, he shook his head and said, "What?"
"He's an alien from another galaxy, from another dimension. He was transported here after the Battle of Borleias," GB explained. "I'm pretty sure it was the Director's doing."
Dan looked at the zebra, his expression still perplexed, as if he was waiting for him to confirm what he'd just heard. "You were summoned? That guy summoned you here, too?"
The zebra turned around. He clasped his hooves behind his back. Suddenly, it was if his movements were slower and more deliberate. Each of Zeal's... or Lah's, steps were smaller, more careful, more deliberate. It was that of someone crippled who had just learned to walk again.
"Borleias... Borleias was my greatest failure. My last words... I had intended my last words for my son," he turned to them. "I saw a bright light before the Lusankya hit. And I woke up here, years ago. At first, I had thought the gods had smiled upon me and saved me from my fate. But I see now... this is something else entirely," he said, looking around the room. "But I am Czulkang Lah just the same." He focused on the Baron. "You said this Director is the one responsible for me being here?"
The golden bipedal bird stepped back. "Th-that's more of a working theory, but-"
The zebra smiled at him again. "You have given me information. I may spare you so you can lead me to this Director yourselves. Do not attempt to contact me again... or you'll receive quite a different message." The zebra's eyes rolled upward and he fell to the floor, unconscious.
"Gonna admit, that was a new one," Dan said, nodding casually. "Was that what you wanted to show me? The bad guy we've been fighting is really a brutal alien conquerer from another galaxy?"
"Yes."
"Because if we were going to fight aliens impersonating other species, I was hoping we could fight Invader Zim," Dan said, looking at him enthusiastically.
The Baron cocked his head. "Who is Invad- oh, the cartoon."
"Yeah," Dan nodded happily. "Can you redo it so the bad guy's Invader Zim?"
"Wha- why would I have control over any of that? This isn't something you get to choose," the Baron said.
"I'll settle for Marvin the Martian," Dan said innocently, batting his eyelashes. "Vilgax from Ben 10. Kang and Kodos, Roger, anything from Futurama. Heck, aren't we near that studio that did Monster Buster Club? There's enough references to Canada here, anyway!" he continued to plead/bargain. "Anything but Butt Ugly Martians. How about TMNT or Power Rangers? Teen Titans? The old one, not Go."
"That's not-"
"Planet 51. Independence Day."
"I have something else you need to see." GB picked up the zebra and walked back to the teleporter. He disappeared again, and Dan began playing around with the pirate captain-y things on the ship.
Finally, Dan's friends arrived. "Guys! What took you so long?!"
Phoenix held up his hand. "First off, there's a lot of stairs." Half of them looked out of breath and covered in sweat.
"Frrrpttth." Stairs.
"Second, we stopped to get lunch."
"Frrrpttth." Stairs.
Dan walked up to the lawyer. "You know the protocol, Nicky. And?"
Phoenix held up a small brown bag. "Lean, crispy hay bacon on toasted marble rye with chipotle mayo on both sides but not too much, lettuce, tomato and pickle."
Dan happily snatched the bag. "Good man. Okay, update, Zen Zeal's an alien," he said, chowing down.
"What?!?!"
"Yeah, alien from Borealis or something. Sulking... Zullking... Invader Zull," Dan said through sandwich bites.
"An alien?" Chrys said. "Does this mean all zebras are aliens?"
Dan shrugged. "I dunno. Probably."
"Zebras aren't aliens," Twilight said. "We've known Zecora for years, she's our friend. Whoever Zen Zeal really is, if he's an alien or something, that might explain how he was able to beat Celestia and why the zebras are acting so hostile."
"They were all invaded by body snatchers!" Dan shouted, holding up his sandwich.
The Gold Baron walked through the door rather than using the teleporter this time. Edge Antares was with him. And they were fighting.
"NO! No, I'm not- you don't understand!"
"You have to tell them!"
"Tell them what? What do you expect them to do?"
"They might be able to HELP you!" the Gold Baron said.
Edge backed away. "I don't see how. I'm not him. I'm not the guy."
"Hey," Dan said, still eating. He poked the Baron with his free hand. "Tell them about Invader Zim."
"Czulkang Lah," the Baron corrected. "Zen Zeal is actually Czulkang Lah, the former warmaster of the Yuuzhan Vong from the old book series back at the library, the Star Wars one."
There were all silent. Dan finished his sandwich. "Mmm, that was good. Good job, Nicky, thanks."
"You're welcome." (And the chances of him paying for it the next time are about the same as me getting reimbursed for this time.)
"Czulkang Lah was an old warrior, a military genius and a legendary commander who taught other warriors," GB explained. "In all of his years, he was never defeated except at the Battle of Borleias. The name of the one who defeated him... is Wedge Antilles."
They all slowly turned to the orange stallion in the room. Edge Antares... or the pony version of Wedge Antilles... or whoever he was, had his back turned to the rest of them.
"Wedge Antilles?" Dan asked. "The guy from the video games?"
"No," Phoenix shook his head. "He's from the books."
"I thought he was in the movies," Twilight said.
"I thought the guy from the comic was in the movie," Chrys added.
Spike scratched his chin. "Wait, the webcomic or the graphic novel comics?"
"I'm not Wedge Antilles," Wedge said, turning. "I... I don't know who I am. I'm obviously not him, though."
They all stared at him. "I think that's something Wedge would say," Chrys said.
Twilight nodded. "I think he did say it. In the comic."
"Graphic novel."
"Stop," he held up his hoof. "I'm not the guy. I don't know who that guy is, where he is... but he isn't me," he said, sounding strangely defeated. "It wouldn't help anyway."
The Gold Baron walked over to him. "I've seen it in the way you fly. When pegasi fly, they place their hooves in front of them to grab things or in case they need to land or stop abruptly. But you and the rest of Rogue Squadron, you always fly with your forelegs to your backs, the opposite direction. This is so you can angle your flight pattern, change it abruptly while maintaining speed, like a jet," he pointed at him. "You don't fly like a racer, a delivery pony or a weather manager. You... you fly like a predator."
Dan walked up to him. "Are you really Wedge?"
And Wedge looked back at him. "I don't know. I have... memories," he said, holding his head. "I had a wife. I had children. Two daughters, meant everything to me. I fought wars... battles, countless numbers of them." He sighed shakily, almost like he was sobbing. "I'm tired of the killing. Of losing friends. Every time... every time I tried to get away from that life, it would pull me back in. And now, I'm here... and I'm in the same exact situation."
The Director was a collector, not just of stories and things but of characters. Whereas Twilight and a select few other ponies summoned individuals from Earth and other places in times of great need, the Director did it for fun, causing great strain on the fabric of magic in the process. The Director, having been through countless Equestrias and Earths, now summoned characters from media like Wedge. Summoning things and people directly is only completely successful from, oddly enough, handheld devices like Nintendo DS games, which is why Phoenix, Colress and Professor Layton were easy to summon. Movies, books and other games were harder.
The Director's first attempt at a summoning was actually from the movie The Big Lebowski, summoning The Dude, Walter and others from the cult 90's film. The stain caused by the extreme disregard for the 'rules' of summoning magic caused the error to be rectified by "ponifying" them, in essence, pulling the characters their own reality and placing them in the world of Equestria as ponies. The Director did this, because she hated the circumstances of her own reality with such intensity, and in fact the other realities and chain of them she was forced to go through so much that she was desperately trying to destroy it. She tortured people like Wedge and Czulkang Lah, but unfortunately, some of them liked torture, like Czulkang Lah.
Chrys walked up to the stallion and put her hoof on his back. "You can be whoever you want to be. I got a second chance here... there's hope for anypony."
"You could help us," Phoenix said. "And we could use your help. We need all of it we can get."
"Yeah," Dan said. "We need your help to beat Invader Zebra-lah. And then we go after the Irken Empire."
"Save it for season 2, Dan," Twilight said.
"Awww," Dan moaned. "Fine. But, for now, we need you to defeat Czulky."
Wedge/Edge smiled. "Except, there's just... one problem with me helping you."
"And what's that?" they all asked.
"I didn't defeat Czulkang Lah," Wedge said.
And their jaws dropped. "But... but... but!" Dan stammered. "The gold guy! He just said! And the zebra puppet dude!" he held up the still unconscious zebra. He worked the zebra's mouth. "He said, "Ima legendary bad guy and I'm here to finish what I started!" and stuff. I was there!"
"I lost the Battle of Borleias," Wedge said. "Czulkang Lah and his forces defeated mine. We were forced to retreat."
"But then, how-"
"This doesn't make any sense," Phoenix said. "How do you beat someone but not defeat them? How do you... win while still losing?"
Wedge turned abruptly, grinning. "You give them exactly what they want- victory. The kind of victory that defeats them, that makes them lose more than they gain from it, the kind of victory that costs them the entire war. I killed Czulkang Lah by ramming my ship, the Lusankya, into his. The resulting explosion ravaged his entire fleet but mine was forced to retreat. That was the plan, all along, anyway. It took a lot of work, a lot of people didn't make it back but we got it done. That's why the Yuuzhan Vong hated Borleias: it's the type of victory that costs them everything. It's more of a victory for us but technically theirs."
"That's... that's incredible!" Dan said. "I love that idea! Yes, let's kick his ass by giving him exactly what he wants!"
"Uh, calm down there, Captain," Phoenix said. "Let's not jump to any conclusions."
"Too late."
"We need a plan still," Phoenix said. "But, if it's true the zebras are fighting like the... Yuuzhan Vong, then you must have experience fighting them, right Wedge?"
Wedge nodded. "They've changed some of their tactics, but judging from their formations, they still have the core principles back from the war. The discipline, the zealotry, it's all there, so we might be able to use that to our advantage. With training, you could even counter their moves."
"That sounds great! Yes!" Dan exclaimed. "Yes, train all of us so we can kick their asses back to wherever it is their from!"
"Would you train us, Wedge?" Chrys asked.
The orange stallion smiled confidently. "Alright. Not like I haven't done that at least twice already."
"YES! Now, we'll be able to beat any aliens that try to screw with us!" Dan said. "Today the zebras, tomorrow the Xenomorphs, the Orks and everything from A.I to Zerg!"
Wedge's smile never faded. He suddenly felt like he was in his element again, like it was where he belonged. Remembering back, that was how he'd felt before, so maybe he was responsible for getting into these situations all the time. He still wasn't sure if he was Wedge Antilles or not, but in a way, that made him more sure than ever that they could get the job done. He folded his hooves and watched his new squadron celebrate. It was good to be back.
Ponygon Plains, North-West of Appleloosa The next day
Wedge's training was rigorous. Dan insisted that all of them be involved at the same time, something that most of them thought was a bad idea, but they were all trained quickly just the same. Colress took the hippies with him on the Plasma Frigate, effectively removing them from the story. After the obligatory 80s training montage, Dan decided they were ready. He formulated a plan for taking out the zebras, and fifteen other backup plans in case the first one didn't work out.
The All of My Yes, All of My Rage and All of My What and Magic Gear Knight had all been repaired(using the hippies' caravan vehicles for spare parts), though only the Rage and Knight were participating in the current operation. It was decided that the best course of action was to engage the zebras on the ground rather than in the air again, so only one of Gust's carriers was deployed to help provide a bunch of eyes in the sky.
Dan assembled his army on a green hillside overlooking the plains. Most of them were griffons and pegasi, recently recovered from their last attack. Both Dan and Phoenix were wearing their Royal Guard armor, Phoenix's having just arrived from Ponyville. Dan's armor was the same purple, white and gold with the word JERK emblazoned on the breast plate while Phoenix's had the same colors but had more of an eastern influence. Specifically, it looked like samurai armor but instead of a sword, he was given an umbrella- an advanced umbrella.
"We all know why we're here," Dan began.
"I don't."
"MOST of you know why you're here."
"I don't either."
"I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE!" Dan yelled. "We're here to beat those Oreo-painted punks back to their own borders, to kick them out of Equestria once and for all!"
A few ponies applauded. "We're here with you, Dan," Phoenix said, patting him on the back. (At least some of the troops are roused.)
"Look around you!" Dan said, making sweeping gestures, "this might as well be a giant front lawn. EQUESTRIA's front lawn. And those black-and-white fascists are marching across it right to our front door! I don't remember inviting them, do you?!"
"No?" the soldiers replied.
"Do you, Nicky?!"
"You know I didn't."
"That's right!!" Dan turned around. "Today, you all stand with me, we stand together, united for our homeland! We will push back these evil bastards and KICK THEM OFF OUR LAWN!!"
They cheered at that part, knowing that when the guy who makes the speech gets really loud, it's time to cheer. Unfortunately, that also meant it was close to the time to attack, and a lot of them were nervous about it. The ponies and griffins were armed with baseball bats, golf clubs, crutches, canes and anything else that resembled a big stick you could hit someone with. They were armored with pots, pans and pieces of furniture- anything stolen from the hippies or taken from Dan's base they could use.
Dan raised his pain cane and a shield he'd made from a railroad crossing sign. Brandishing them both, he was planning on making tracks on some of these zebras. It wasn't long before the distinctive *klam-klam-klam* of the zebras' shields and spears could be heard by Dan and his Jerk Army. They shifted uneasily, knowing that the clatter of the marching zebras was usually the last thing those who stood in Zen Zeal's way heard.
Or Czulkang Lah. Wedge had given them all some basic tactics, training on how to engage the Yuuzhan Vong, something he had never done outside the cockpit of an X-Wing. It was more about their fighting styles, the coordination the Zebras/YVs used that was important to know. They still weren't entirely sure how to engage this enemy, so it was time for an experiment.
High above them on the deck of All of My Rage, Twilight and Chrys watched with binoculars. Behind them, Tuxley and Reginald were indulging in tea. Captain Clutch, the pink griffon squeeze toy Gust favored because of the open relationship he had with his wife, delivered them their tea.
"Thank you, madame," Tuxley said. "I hope it wasn't too difficult to get the kettle bowling at this altitude."
The griffon giggled. "You have no idea," she said, setting their drinks on the table.
"Haha, certainly," Tuxley chuckled. He sat down his newspaper.
"Are you guys gonna come help?!" Twilight called over her shoulder. "We could use another spotter on the foredeck!"
"Of course, m'ladies, but I'm afraid tea has arrived," Tuxley said.
Chrys hovered up to them. "You're seriously stopping to have tea?"
"It is four, Miss Chrys."
"Yeah, but..." Chrys looked back at Twilight. "We're kinda going to war right now."
"I know," Tuxley said. "But it is four."
"Four 'o clock," Twilight said. "Tea time in Britain- usually around four. They eat like a snack before dinner."
"If you'll excuse us, ladies," Tuxley said, leaning forward. Chrys didn't understand, but didn't object to it, either. She imagined what she and Dan would be like if they were from the United Kingdom. For some reason, the image of Biff Wellington entered her mind, along with a Tesco Plus burning behind him.
Tuxley finally laid eyes on his drink. And then he looked around, trying to find his drink. "Reginald?"
"Yes, sir?"
"We did order tea, did we not?"
"I believe so, sir," Reginald answered. He held up his own glass- a tall transparent plastic cup with iced, sweetened black tea and a lemon wedge perched on the corner. He sipped it. "Is not in oder?"
Tuxley looked at his own glass. Same as Reginald's. Tea, tall transparent glass, lemon, straw and... cubes of ice. The tyrannosaurus blinked. "There is ice in the tea."
"Ice... in tea?" Tuxley repeated. "Not milk?" He lifted up the glass in his reptilian claw as if examining something alien.
"No, sir. Iced tea, served sweet. Likely pre-brewed, given that it would be difficult for water to boil at this altitude, as you said," Reginald analyzed. "I believe it's American-styled."
"American," Tuxley repeated again. "Lizard Lord Nelson's trousers... is nothing sacred to the Yanks?"
Reginald chuckled. "Sir wouldn't by chance be overreacting, would he? Dare I mention... Brexit?"
Tuxley frowned at him. "Please. This is enough torment for today."
"Hehehe... enough Brexcitement, you mean?"
The rex shook his head. "Your laugh resembles Thatcher's," he said, taking the glass. "And in the spirit Brexit, I shall proclaim: nothing ventured, nothing gained." He took a drink. And smiled. "Hmm. The lemon is a nice touch."
Tuxley nodded. He then set the drink down and got up. "Refreshing, I think is the term the Yanks would use. Now, Reginald, bring me my gun."
"You're not going to finish it?"
"That's enough experimenting for today," the lizard replied. "Let's indulge in another American tradition: shooting something foreign because it bothers us!"
"That's an exaggeration. And a racist one that stereotypes Americans- like Dan," Reginald reminded him.
"They ruined tea," Tuxley said. "Even though... it was enjoyable. Perhaps it is beneficial to ruin some traditions, to reinvent them. But the next tea shall be hot."
"I'll make a note of it, sir. Your rifle."
Tuxley loaded his elephant meteor gun. "Let us ruin the zebras' day! I do hope they're in the mood for an iced-cold glass of revenge!"
Reginald nodded, approving. "Couldn't have said it better myself."
Down on the ground, the zebras approached. The marched in formation, weapons undrawn, approaching Dan and the others on top of the hill. They marched into the center of the field.
"Alright," Dan said, drawing his weapon. "Remember the plan! We have the high ground!"
"What was the plan again?" Phoenix asked.
"CHARRRRGGEE!!!" The human raised both weapons in the air and quickly added, "ZEN ZEAL!!!!!!!"
And the zebras yelled back: "ZULU!" They lowered their weapons and charged right back, and the battle was joined. Ponies and griffons clashed with the zebras, smashing blunt objects against their wooden shields. The zebras fought back, swiping with their swords and spears. A griffon bashed a zebra in the muzzle with his own shield; one of the tactics was to try and take their weapons at close range, depriving them of their ability to regenerate and coordinate.
Bulk Biceps and a muscular griffon named Tough Traps fought zebras back-to-back with their bare hooves and claws. Dan swung and smashed his way through the zebras, searching for Zen Zeal. He smacked a zebra in the face so hard with his cane it left a horseshoe imprint on the side of his muzzle and knocked him into another zebra. He swept the legs out from under another one and then brought the head of his cane down on his victim like a hammer. A zebra tried to sneak up on him during the maneuver until Dan swung back with is sign-shield and backhanded him. Blood, teeth and feathers flew everywhere.
Phoenix cautiously stepped his way through the battlefield, mostly ducking and weaving through the blows of others. More than once, a jab aimed him would strike a zebra behind him, to which he would immediately apologize as he stepped over the fallen, following Dan.
"Where are you hiding?!" Dan roared. "Come out, you panzer pansy! Where's Invader Zim/Zen Zeal?!"
"Ahh, so quick to charge in, aren't you?" Czulkang Lah's voice said. "Your courage is commendable. My greatest opponent has taught you well."
Dan looked around. The voice sounded like it was only a foot away, even through the sounds of carnage around him. It was as if Czulkang Lah was speaking in his ear. "Where are you? Czulkang Lah? You having second thoughts about fighting me?"
"No." A sharp pain suddenly stabbed Dan in the back. "Are you?"
"AAAHHH!" Dan yelled. He swung his cane behind him but there was no one there. He was in the eye of a storm of zebras, ponies and griffons. "You too afraid to face me fairly? You have to hit me in the back? I thought you were big on honor!"
"I am!" Czulkang said. "I am not fighting you- that was a Czulkang Lah Pit! It is a mark of distinction, to indicate you have survived the teachings of Czulkang Lah! You are not worthy to fight me yet, Captain Dan- today, I am your teacher."
"ARRRAAAGGH!" Dan yelled as something stabbed him again, the same place.
"First lesson- you do not abandon a defensive position to engage. You let the enemy come to you. Observe!"
*Klam-klam-klam-klam-klam*
Suddenly, the zebras stopped fighting. They ignored their opponents and quickly retreated back onto the plain, forming up again. They beat their shields again and this time, lowered them to form a phalanx. They lowered their spears to face outward.
Dan gripped his back. The pain seemed to resonate from the spot it had impacted into his fingers. It made him angrier. "You think turtling up is going to help you? You just made yourselves a bigger target! Nicky!"
"Yeah?"
"Molotov!"
"I gotcha," Phoenix said. He handed Dan a Molotov Cocktail, part of Berry Punch's special collection. The only time Dan touched anything alcoholic was to make a makeshift explosive like the poor man's hand grenade. He lit it and hurled it at the zebras. A dart flew up and broke the bottle in midair, scattering flaming booze all over the ground. The fires when then blown out quickly by zebras with bamboo sticks. This was bad: setting the field on fire was Dan's backup plan. Plan B- for Burn it all down.
"You can attack and defend at the same time, Captain Dan," Czulkang's voice rang out from somewhere among the zebras. "It's the only way to take a defensible position. You've lost today, but you've learned something."
Dan smirked. "How have I lost?"
"ZULU!!" The zebras began moving in their formation, slowly. They kept their phalanx and advanced on Dan, forcing him up the hill side. "Tell me, does it feel like you've won!"
"Push them back!" Dan yelled. He ran up and smashed against the zebras' shields. Despite his recklessness, they made no effort to try and spear him. They practically ignored him. "Push them back!!"
"Let's go! We can do this!" Phoenix rallied. He joined along with other ponies as they ran into the zebra phalanx. As a group, they pushed against the horde of zebras, digging their feet into the dirt.
"WE CAN DO THIS!!" Dan yelled, pressing harder. "THEY CAN'T GET PAST ALL OF US!!" But slowly, he began to lose the battle. The zebras pushed him, forcing him backward even as he dug his heels in. They pushed Dan and his group slowly up the hill side until finally they were being pushed down the hill. A single phalanx against Dan's combined forces.
"No! NONONONONAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!!" they pushed Dan down the hill. The human tumbled, along with his friends as the zebras took the high ground. They did not advance on him.
"RETREAT!!" Dan yelled. His forces, battered and bruised, picked themselves up and fled with their valiant commanders. The carrier turned around and departed, covering their retreat with cannon fire. But the zebras made no attempt to pursue or attack them further; the battle had already been decided.
And so, the defeat montage began. The next day, Dan's forces perched themselves atop a mighty mesa in the desert north of Appleloosa. The two of them looked over the side of the cliff at the zebras down below.
"There's no way they can beat us this time!" Dan declared. "We have the HIGHEST of the high ground!"
"Here they come, Dan," Phoenix said, concern in his voice.
"Everyone, get your rocks!" Dan yelled. "Attack!!" They through rocks at the zebras from high above. Over a mile high, they chucked everything from pebbles to boulders to Tom and Tom's Uncle Ted at them. Unfortunately, so far away, they weren't able to see if it was having much effect. Which it wasn't.
"Dan, they're starting to climb!"
The zebras used their spears to climb, piercing the rock face to create a giant series of springs to launch them up ever-higher.
"Deploy the soy! Sauce!" Dan yelled. Ponies and griffons released drums of soy sauce on the summit, letting the sauce drip down the side. They through the empty barrels at the zebras climbing towards them. But the zebras used their spears to part the soy sauce and climbed up anyway, manufacturing a lane that the sauce ran down either side. It wasn't long before Dan's summit was threatened.
"Let me at them! I wanna punch them in the face when they try to climb up!"
"Dan, we have to go!"
"You'll have to drag me off this mesa, Nicky!"
"Do you actually want me to drag you out of here?" The lawyer asked.
"Yes! It's the only way I leave- under protest!"
Twilight shook her head. "Dan, we don't have time for this!" But the human only folded his arms. "Ugh, fine. Phoenix, Chrys, get him." The lawyer and changeling queen subdued Dan as he requested and literally dragged him off the battlefield. And this was only the first time.
The next battle only a short time later, Dan tried to stop the zebras using traps- he and the others dug pitfalls and trenches using the MY-Wing's lasers. But the zebras used their spears and shields to create bridges over the pitfalls and holes. They used their spears as dousing rods to uncover traps and even a well under Dan's location. Water erupted in the human's face, forcing them to retreat again. A wet Dan had to be dragged away from the engagement.
The next time, Dan tried to funnel the zebras into a series of canyons and caves north of Appleloosa. He tried to collapse the caves and cause avalanches when the zebras got into certain spots. But the zebras dug their own tunnels and caves, bypassing Dan's obstacles. He was dragged out of a cave dressed as a miner.
They fought the zebras on frozen tundra for some reason, using Knight and her immense power to try to stop the zebras in their tracks. But the zebras used their vines to Empire Strikes Back tow cable Knight, making her fall over and explode. She and her spare parts were gathered up and also dragged, along with Dan dressed in a parka this time.
And finally, they fought the zebras in the parking lot of a Pone Depot because... what, what?
"How did we get here?"
"I have no idea," Phoenix said. (But we could get some new paint for the base while we're here.)
"Yeah, I don't really know where I was going with this one..." Dan admitted. "Alright, drag me." His friends dragged him out of the parking lot; he was wearing overalls, safety goggles and an orange apron. Standard attire for Pone Depot employees.
After so many battles, Dan exhausted his plans against the zebras. "I have exhausted my plans against the zebras," he said, repeating the narrator. "I've had kind of a rough... montage, okay? I'm not able to even right now. So cut me some slack." Fine.
On the bridge of the All of My Rage, Gust, Twilight and Wedge looked over a map of Equestria. "They're pushing us back in whatever direction we come at them from," Wedge remarked. He drew a line on the map. "They'll be coming through here next- Appleloosa Flats."
"If we try to fight them here, they'll advance through the Flats next," Twilight said, making a mark.
"And if I draw a line here, we can make a smiley face!" Gust said, drawing on the map. They both looked up at him, unamused. He grinned sheepishly.
"They're almost to Appleloosa," Twilight said. "If we can't turn them back at Easy Junction, they'll be able to reach the town with their spears."
"Dan? Do you have any other plans left?" Chrys asked. "We have to do something. At least stall them while we evacuate the town."
"I got nothing," Dan said. "It'd take me too long to come up with a plan and evacuate the town at the same time. That's... way too complicated this short notice," he said. "I'M NOT SOME LIMITLESS IDEA BAG YOU CAN USE WHENEVER YOU WANT, YOU KNOW!"
Phoenix pulled out his cell phone. "I have an idea." He actually had a slight smile on his face. (Oh boy, this is gonna be good.)
"Yes?" Dan asked. "We'd all love to hear it, Nicky."
"You're not gonna like it."
"Yeah, I don't doubt that. So, what is it?"
Phoenix grinned. Dan frowned.
Prosperity Base, Sublevel 4- Main Lab
Vice was busy sciencing while listening to music in his laboratory that evening. He enjoyed inventing things, making new weapons and gadgets, coming up with new ideas. He had the Bee Gees playing when his phone began to ring.
"The squee? Who has my number?" Vice asked, walking over to where his phone was charging. At first, he thought it was one of his friends, but then he realized he doesn't have any friends. He then realized how pathetic that was. So who the hell was calling him? He looked at the phone. A picture of the story's cover image buzzed on the display angrily. He swiped to answer. "Hello?"
"Hey, it's Dan."
For a moment, Vice's brain slowed to process that information. "It's... who?"
"It's Dan. Dan, from Earth, Dan. The human-guy-who's-going-to-rip-your-spine-out Dan. That Dan."
Vice braced himself on the counter. "Uhh... okay. Hello."
"Hi."
"Why are you calling me?"
"Okay, listen, I know you hate me, and you hate Equestria and magic and all that stuff but really, we need help. There's this big group of zebras and they're wrecking everything and-"
"You... you need my help?" Vice asked.
"Yes, we do."
He shook his head. "You called me to ask for help?"
"Yeah."
"Me- the guy who's trying to destroy your home planet and nuke every last one of you so you never rise against me. You're asking ME for help?"
"Uh huh... yeah, I don't like it either. But really, if you could help us with the zebras we'd be really... grateful."
"Mmnnggggggfffffaaahahahahahahaha! HAHAHAHA!" Vice burst out into laughter. "HAAHAAHAAHAAHAAA!! HahahahaHA!"
"..."
"AAhhahahahaha!" Vice laughed, pounding the counter with his gauntlet. "You want ME to help YOU? When I'M the one who bribed Zeal into attacking you in the first place? That's... that's hilarious!"
"It wasn't my idea anyway."
Vice continued laughing. "Oh man, this is too good! And what do you think's going to happen after we're done? You going to give me the key to the city before I nuke it? AHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Grrrrr." Dan growled.
"Oh! OH! What if you all got down and begged me to help you? What if I made you rebuild all of my Magic Gears to beat the zebras and THEN blew you all up? How funny would that be, huh? HAHAHA!"
"I can't talk to this guy!" Dan yelled. "He's a freaking idiot! We won't get any help out of him!"
"Dan," Twilight said. "We're out of options. We at least had to try."
"No, we didn't."
"Let me to try to talk to him," Phoenix said, taking the phone. "Okay, hi Vice, it's Phoenix."
"Oh, hey Phoenix, how's it going-bffffahahaha! Doesn't sound too good on your end, bird boy!"
"Yeah, I know, so, I know these are strange circumstances but, we do need your help. I understand we have our differences, but you know the zebras will come after you next. They already know about the Director. Any help you could provide would be appreciated, and it might help us to compromise in the future. That's something to consider," Phoenix said. Ever the diplomat, even talking to someone who was threatening nuclear annihilation on both worlds, Phoenix made a compelling argument to work with him, as always. Even Vice had to admit he was convincing.
The scientist brushed his muzzle, trying to compose himself. "Okay, haha, okay okay. I understand. You can put Dan back on the phone now."
"Okay..." Phoenix said, handing the phone to Dan. The human was reluctant to take it at first, but finally did so. "Yeah, hey, it's Dan again."
"BAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Vice laughed into the phone. "AHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!"
On the other end of the line, Dan hung up the phone.
"Wow... that guy's a jerk," Gust said. He earned a glare from Dan for that remark. "Uhh, I mean... you know what I mean." He smiled innocently.
And Dan continued glaring at him. Until he finally said, "I'll pretend I didn't hear anything cute out of the chicken salad. I am going to my planning chamber. Where I SHALL COME UP... WITHA PLAN. That will save our butts," he announced, being loud to sound both confident and smart. "I'll come up with something!"
"We know you will," Twilight said, "but maybe you need some help with this one?"
"You're very good with plans, Dan," Phoenix added. "And you make sure we all know how to execute it. You assign everyone roles and make sure everyone knows their job, you even make sure what to do when something unexpected happens. Your skills at coordinating and planning are unmatched," the lawyer said. (Like Patton if he was an angry neighbor.)
Chrys and Fluffle cartoonishly slid to Dan's side. "Thpptth thppp thppp thbbbb thbbbth!" Nobody plans better than Dan!
The changeling queen held her boyfriendu tightly. "Mah man's the best. I bet you'd even be great at planning weddings," she said, dropping a hint like it was a nuclear bomb.
Dan patted her hooves wrapped around him. "Weddings, Bat Mitzvahs, reunions, those parties where everyone's wearing weird White Glove Society masks, I like to make sure they're... explosive." He turned around and left the bridge, Fluffle and Chrys still lovingly latched onto him like a pair of love-sucking parasites.
Spike watched them leave. "I miss Rarity..." the dragon muttered.
"I know how you feel," Twilight said, patting him on the shoulder. "At least Rarity didn't turn out to be gay."
"I just hope she turns up safe," Spike said. Twilight nodded with him.
"We have to focus on our own safety," Phoenix reminded them all. "Which means dealing with these zebras."
Wedge hovered over the current map of Equestria. "Twelve different engagements and we've barely even slowed down their advance," he said. "Czulkang Lah was tough when we fought him last time, but this," he shook his head. "He seems nearly invincible."
Twilight set their only spear and sword taken from their only prisoner. "We haven't even been able to capture any more of them. Our plan to un-brainwash them won't work if we can't at even attempt it."
Phoenix rubbed his chin, pacing. "We need to look at this another way. Maybe-"
Dan burst through the door to the bridge again. "I've got it! I know how we're gonna beat them!"
They all turned to him. "How's that?"
"We paint ourselves and dress up as zebras to infiltrate the legions! Then, when they camp-"
Chrys, love-gnawing Dan's ear, nodded. "That's true, hon. I changed into a zebra and tried to infiltrate their ranks, maybe to see if they captured the Blasties. But they discovered me. And my zebra is pretty good, too. I think they were able to sniff me out," she said.
Dan rubbed her muzzle as she and Fluffle nommed. "Did you try to plant explosives, listening devices and tracking beacons among them?" She nodded. "Aww, that's my girl. I appreciate the effort." Chrys squeed in response and made other happy girlfriend noises while her wings buzzed. "Alright, back to the drawing board," Dan announced, and walked out again.
"So we tried disguises, too," Phoenix said. "I thought that was one of our first go-to plans."
"It usually is," Twilight confirmed. "But it's a sneaky/offensivey plan. We usually go with those on the attack, but right now we're on defense."
"The worst fence of all to be on," Gust said. They all looked at him. "Sorry. I'm not being helpful, am I?"
Phoenix walked over to him. "You said back when we first met, when we were uh, 'interrogating' you, that Zen Zeal had a secret."
"OH yeah," Gust nodded. "Almost forgot about that rumor. Yeah, we used to run into refugees or survivors from Zeals' attacks. They usually bartered passage with us- some tried to trade information. They'd talk about how Zeal can't set foot on his own territory and had to keep conquering. Trapped in unending war, unable to go home," he said, his voice trickling into a foreboding echo. A silence followed.
"Hannibal," Phoenix said, thinking aloud.
Twilight nodded, rubbing her chin. "There's definitely some similarities."
"Another zebra general?" Gust asked.
Phoenix shook his head. "Not a zebra, a human from Carthage, a nation that no longer exists. Hannibal led his armies against the forces of Rome during the Second Punic War. He wasn't unbeatable, but his tactics allowed him to beat the Romans many times when they had superior numbers, superior training, or some other advantage. He led a campaign in Italy that nearly conquered Rome itself. He was finally beaten when Rome attacked Carthage, and forced him to return to defend his own country. After years of fighting in another country, he loses the battle close to home and the war ends."
"Sucks to be that guy," Gust remarked.
"That would definitely be a way to get him to return," Twilight said. They all looked at her, even Spike. "If we attacked the Zebra Kingdom, we could force Zeal to return home."
"That will not succeed," a voice from behind them said. They all looked up to see Zecora standing in the doorway. "If you are to defeat Zen Zeal... it is not an invasion, you must lead," she walked in to them, a mysterious air about her, as sometimes there was. But there was a confidence in her stride as well; Twilight, Edge, Chrys, Phoenix, Spike- they all noticed it. She approached the holographic display that hovered over the projector table in the middle of the bridge.
"Do you know something, Zecora?" Twilight asked. "Something about Zen Zeal?"
"Woah. We're under attack by zebras and we just NOW get the idea to ask the only zebra we know?" Gust asks. Zecora lowered her head a bit at that remark.
"Why would she know something just because she's a zebra?" Spike asked.
Gust's beak drooped. "Oh... crap. Was that something that was... xenomorphic or racist or whatever?"
"Xenophobic," Phoenix corrected. (And yes. Yes it was.)
"Yeah, that." No one noticed Zecora biting her lip.
"Not all the zebras are fanatics," Twilight said, walking up to her zebra friend. "Zecora is just like our other friends. She knows what we're going through."
Zecora continued to look nervous.
Twilight rubbed her shoulders. "She'd tell us if she knew anything. Right?"
"Enough!" she suddenly burst out. "Please, this is something I cannot stand." She stepped away from the table.
"What's wrong?"
She lowered her head. "None of this has transpired as I had planned."
"Zecora..." Twilight reached out to her again. "What's wrong?"
The zebra inhaled and exhaled. Then turned to face them. "I... was reluctant to help you against Zen Zeal. But please... you must understand. For you, he is foe. But to me..." she looked at the map again. "He is my husband."
And their jaws hit the deck like the roof was burning. "Oh, buck me."
"HA!" Gust pointed. "I called it! Xenomorphism was right for once!"
Phoenix petted the bird. "It's okay, Gust, we know what you mean. You'd probably be offensive if you weren't Sofa King-levels of stupid."
"D'awww," Gust blushed. "Thanks Nicko. That makes me feel better coming from a lawyer."
"No problem," Phoenix said, patting him. "Now give me my wallet back."
"Kay."
Possible racism aside, Zecora had indeed been hiding something from all of them. "Zen Zeal was a warrior. He has fought all of his life. He conquered so many nations... until I was asked to be his wife," Zecora said, looking at the map. There was a small collection of blue dots huddled east of Easy Junction that represented them. North, an army of red representing Zeal's forces marched south towards Appleloosa. Only Easy Junction stood between them and the town. "Zen Zeal and I are royalty. He was meant to leave the army when we were wed. But I knew... that was not what he really wanted. After we were married, I fled."
"You were married?" Twilight asked. "But you left him."
"Arranged marriage," Phoenix said. "Zen Zeal would have had to have given up his position in the army. He would've become a zebra-equivalent to an Equestrian noble or griffon statesman."
"Well yeah," Gust said. "But my country's different. I got married to the Defense Minister but they still let me be on the front lines."
(Gee, I wonder why.)
Zecora looked forward, as if staring into the past. "We promised to love each other, ever more. But Zen's words were empty; in his heart, there was only war. After the ceremony, I left my kingdom, never to return. In that time, I would have hoped Zen Zeal would have learned. But, too late I found out, that my husband would not rest. Without me at his side, he resumed his conquest," she said, and her head dipped low again. "Even worse, I found out that as soon as I'd departed... that was when Zen Zeal's armies had marched. It was when his campaign had restarted."
"That seems pretty retarded," Gust said, giggling. They glared at him. "I'm sorry. I'll stop now."
"Magatama, Gust."
"Kay," the griffon returned Phoenix's magatama.
"So this war, all of his wars since you married him... you think you could have stopped him?" Twilight asked. A single tear trickled down from the zebra's eye. "Zecora, it's okay. You couldn't have known he'd start campaigning again if you left."
"It seems like neither of you wanted to be married," Phoenix said. "It's clear Zen wanted to remain a general. He was still willing to relinquish command but... you'd have been trapped in a loveless marriage just to keep him from war. It's very noble of you to be willing to marry a warmonger to stop him from warring."
Twilight patted her. "That was very heroic, what you tried to do, Zecora. There's not many ponies who'd be willing to make that sacrifice."
Zecora still cried, but she smiled. "Thank you... it is all right. Thank you all... for your kind words. Especially-"
(Here it comes."
"You, Phoenix Wright," Zecora said softly. She held the human's hand. Phoenix's face lit up.
"You-you're welcome." (I just inner-squeed a little bit when she rhymed my name.)
"Question," Gust raised his claw, "what does him being married with you have to do with us invading the zebra kingdom?"
Zecora spun back to the map display. "If you attack the capital, you will face two armies instead of one. Zeal may be defeated, but the peace between zebra and pony will be undone. To truly beat my husband, you cannot answer war with war. To win this conflict, you must do something more."
"You already used that rhyme," Gust said.
Wedge rubbed his chin. "What if we faked an attack?" They all turned to the pegasus. "We used a trick like that at Borleias. We spread rumors of a fake super weapon made from some Y-Wings we had. It convinced Czulkang Lah, and his son, that there was a threat. It divided their attention at a crucial time and was one of the ways we were able to win."
"We don't have any super weapons though," Spike said.
But Twilight remembered something. "We have one."
"We do?" Gust asked. Out of the window and over his shoulder was Magic Gear Knight playing with Fluttershy, Derpy, Daring and Rainbow. Tuxley and Reginald were apparently trying to catch butterflies with them. "Where?" Gust asked.
"Guys!" Dan opened the door again. "I just came up with another plan!"
"Hey, so did we!" Gust said back. "You say yours first."
"Okay!" The human took the Fluffle Puff and rubbed a balloon on her really fast. "Watch this!"
"Watch wha-*gzzzapp* AAAHHH!" Gust exploded in a wave of static electricity.
"HAHAHAHA!" Dan laughed. "Nicky! Look! Teriyaki chicken."
"Eeeeuuuurrrrrrghhh..." Gust lay dazed and smoldering on the floor.
"So this is your plan?" Twilight asked. "You're gonna shock the zebras with Fluffle Puff?"
"Actually, no. I was just wanting to shock the chicken. I just found that out today!" Dan squeed, hugging Fluffle Puff.
"I hate... you... urrrrrrrgghh..."
"So what'd you guys come up with?" Dan asked casually.
"We're gonna nuke the zebras," Twilight responded.
"I like it!" Dan exclaimed. "Where do we get a nuke?"
Rainbow Dash and a team of pegasi carried the proto-Sword Spell from Fort Jerk to their current position. They used the railroad, no longer a monorail since the Enclave had been defeated. The pegasi pulled the Sword on a cart up to the griffon carrier, making it visible for all to see.
Gust had recovered by then and watched the pegasi bring the Sword. "Oooooh. Shiny."
"And potentially armed," Dan reminded them all. "You're sure you can reconfigure this thing without making it go off, right Twilight?"
She nodded. "I am. It's fundamentally similar to an explosive potion. We should be able to rewire it so it looks like a real Sword Spell but doesn't actually do any harm."
"That's good to know," Phoenix remarked. "A non-lethal nuke. That's definitely a first. The only thing left to do is..." They all turned slowly around. They could feel her coming before they saw her. Magic Gear Knight was very much a larger than life metal pony.
"Hey Knight," Daring said. "You finished with your nap?"
"Affirmative. Sleep mode disengaged. Unit Knight is currently on standby and awaiting orders."
"Awesome," Chrys remarked. "So yeah, sweetheart? We need to ask a favor."
The giant pony stood resolute over them, a stalwart protector. "Proceed."
"Okie de-dokie lokie," Chrys said, hovering over to the Sword Spell. "So Knighty? You remember this thing?"
She nodded. "Type R-81 Sword Spell Arcanist Annihilation Device. Degracite casing encapsulates volatile arcane energies under high pressure within their excited state. Forty-two hundred megaton yield."
"Wow... okay, I didn't know all of that," Chrys said.
Dan stood on the platform, leaning with one hand against the apocalyptic weapon. "Okay Peace Trotter, we need you to use this," he patted it, "to nuke the zeeb-dweebs. You think you can handle that?"
She nodded again. "Affirmative. Though, I require something before a launch."
"And what's that?" Chrys asked.
Knight clapped her hooves together innocently, causing a metal clang to ring out each time she did. "I want cupcakes!"
"Good idea," Dan said, hopping down. "Snack time before we Apocalypse Now the crap out of the zebras." And so, they had cupcakes and other snacks in the presence of a live nuclear bomb. Dan was chastised for getting cupcake-fingerprints on the bomb.
In order to pull off a convincing nuclear attack, they decided it would be best to have Knight launch right in front of Zen Zeal. While Dan and his army defended their Magic Gear against the zebras, Gust's other two carriers would fly to the Zebra Kingdom to further sell the ruse. With any luck, Zeal would turn his army around before he even came close to Easy Junction and then Dan and the others would hop aboard the All of My Rage to meet up with the All of My What and the All of My Yes. With Zeal's strength sapped, they would then defeat him easily. They hoped.
"I like this plan," Dan said, riding Knight as she descended from the All of My Rage flying towards Appleloosa. "I'm glad I came up with it."
"You didn't..." Twilight started to say. But the others looked at her, reminding it was best not to threaten Dan's ego. Not when they were once again facing certain destruction yet again.
The ship was coming up on Appleloosa. As the western-style buildings became visible, Twilight and friends were happy to see them still standing. She felt some amount of relief that even though Applejack wasn't here beside her, her extended family was doing okay.
"Alright, everypony, remember why we're here!" Rainbow Dash yelled as the pegasus/griffon squads deployed. "House to house, get everypony out that you can! Let's get a move on before those zebras get here!"
"Where are you going, Rainbow?" Phoenix asked.
"I have to go warn the buffalo. Their herds travel the plains outside Appleloosa and there's no other way to tell them about the invasion."
"That's a good idea."
"It is," Fluttershy agreed, looking over the side. "But I don't think you need to go."
"Who's here?" Phoenix and the Dashie asked, leaning over to look with her. And they saw.
"All of them."
Dan and company looked out at Appleloosa. In front of the town was an enormous crowd as large as the town itself. Tents, carts, wagons and campfires. "Those don't look like hippies..." Chrys commented.
And Dan happily agreed. "No... that's not a hippy camp. That's a WAR camp!"
"Looks like the evacuation's turned into a rally," Phoenix remarked. "Set us down, Gust. We just got some reinforcements!"(Unless they're here to fight us. But that's not likely; what could we have done to piss them off?)
The carrier landed close to the assembled ponies and buffies. Unlike the hippies, there was no confusion or bewilderment. They were happy to see them- in fact, they were ready to fight for them.
Dan and company were carried down by the winged members of their party. Chrys continued to hold onto Dan while Fluffle Puff was his mount while Twilight carried Spike and Rainbow carried Phoenix. Daring, Fluttershy, Derpy and Wedge hovered behind them, remaining alert. But someone they knew was already waiting for them.
"Little Strongheart!" Twilight and Fluttershy exclaimed.
"Heyyyyy LSH! Keeping an eye on things in Appleloosa for us?" Rainbow asked.
The buffalo snorted. "We have been, not that any of you would be aware."
Twilight and her friends slowed their advance towards them. "What do you mean?"
"We're pissed off at you. All of us are pissed off at you!" Strongheart declared.
Phoenix swallowed. (Called it. I'm putting it out there right now that I called that one.)
Times Phoenix has Called It: 1
"What?!" Rainbow asked. "What did we do?!"
"Yeah!" Dan was quick to add. "We haven't wreaked havoc in this part of the country... yet! What, did we park on something?" he asked, trying to look under the carrier. "You didn't land the toilet ship on anything important, did you Captain Pot Pie?"
Gust shook his head. "That's a no on that one, ke-bro sah-bee."
"Hold up a sec," Daring said, "I think we landed on the Overwatch reference." She lifted up a broken pair of orange-tinted goggles, crushed by the ship.
"He asked if we landed on anything important," Gust clarified.
"Oh. Then no," Daring dropped the goggles.
Dan rubbed his heels into Fluffle Puff's fluff, prompting her forward. She happily and Fluffle Puffily complied, her eyes wide and her tongue sticking out. "Thpppth thppth thpppth thpppth." I am pretty princess mount of majesty. I bring you the good word of cuddles, fluff and snuggliness. Share my message with the world!
"Okay!" Dan bellowed. "Who here knows what a draft is?"
Twilight and friends collectively gulped. "I don't like where this is going," Phoenix said.
A hoof raised from the audience. "I'm a draft horse, if that counts."
"Not the same, but we might use you for something else. Good job offering," Dan said. "My point is, we won't be needing a draft!"
"Oh thank balls." Twilight and friends collectively breathed a sigh of relief.
"Because you have all been deputized by the Sparkle Guard!" Dan continued.
Chrys climbed onto Dan's shoulders. "Uhh, what my boyfriend whom I'm totally in a committed relationship with along with the pink creature he's riding is trying to say, is that we would all like to invite you to... our party."
"Our WAR party!" Dan declarified. "To get those black-and-white alien guys out of our own country! We are going to nuke them back to the age BEFORE the Stone Age so they don't even have sticks and stones to throw at us any more!"
"Because those sticks and stones totally kicked our asses!" Gust added. "Aaaand I'm not helping. Okay, quiet bird now."
"Boneless wings is exactly right!" Dan continued shouting. "If we don't do something, the zebras are going to turn Equestria into the Africa exhibit at the zoo!"
"...that sounds racis-"
"So we have to stop them. Now. And we know exactly how to do that. But we need your help!" Dan said. "Who's with me?!"
....
"Oh crap," Spike said.
Twilight nodded. "The ellipsis of inaction. That's never good."
"And it's got four dots. Wait," Phoenix counted. "Yeah, that's a four-dot ellipsis. A very bad sign."
"Is that worse than three?"
The lawyer nodded. "A lot worse. Not only does it indicate a lack of immediate response to Dan's call but the four dots together is sometimes used as a lead-in to counter-action, like something negative or unexpected."
"And they did say they were pissed off at us..." Chrys muttered, hiding behind Dan again, hooves still wrapped around him like love bug armor.
"It's not that bad yet," Dan said. "Just as long as it isn't accompanied by-"
The tumbleweed of inaction rolled by. Worse, it somehow sensed the confrontation ahead and rolled back the opposite way. Dan watched the ominous symbol roll into the obscurity of the distance from whence it came.
"Yep. NOW we're screwed."
The buffalo and cow ponies circled around the group. "We are pissed off at you- all of you!" Little Strongheart said.
"Wait!" Dan dug into his pocket, "There's a list of people you should blame before me!"
Gust tapped his shoulder. "Am I on that list?"
"You're gonna be on the top in a minute, eight piece!"
Little Strongheart approached them, glaring at them. Dan and companied recoiled, bracing for the imminent pummeling. "We're very upset... that you didn't invite us all sooner!"
...!
"Nicky! Nicky, what does that one mean?"
"It ends an in exclamation point. I think that's a good sign," Phoenix said, relieved.
The tumbleweed rolled back suddenly, followed by Tracer who recalled to that point for some reason. "Has anyone seen my goggles?!" she asked, covering her eyes. Cross another obligatory pop culture reference off the list. Yes, there is a list. No, it is not Dan's list. Yes, if you keep asking about the list, you might wind up on the list! NO, Dan's list! Dammit all, this is why we don't talk about the list!
"I am writing "the narrator" down on the list!" Dan said, writing the narrator's name down on the- ohh ho ho, you almost got me there. If I don't say it specifically, it doesn't happen! Dan smiled at... at me and said, "I wrote your name on the list." AAARRRGG. Grrrggan. Shivel. Blaaargh! "Ha-ha-ha!"
Gust smiled. "At least my name's not on the top!"
"Chicken... sandwich..." Dan said, writing.
"Uhh... but wait. That could just be an order for chicken sandwich. I still might be-"
"AKA Gust," Dan finished, writing Gust's name at the top of his list.
The griffon's head drooped. "Aww, you had to get specific, didn't you? Ima steal the list," Gust said, grabbing the list from Dan's hand.
"Decoy list," Dan corrected. Gust exploded again. "Medic!"
Twilight, Spike, Rainbow and Fluttershy hugged their longtime buffalo friend. "We've been fighting Vice Grip's forces for months now," she explained. "He's kidnapped many of us, tested weapons on our lands... it has not been easy."
"We're so very sorry, Little Strongheart," Fluttershy said.
"It's not your fault," she replied. "We had no way of contacting you. I told Chief Thunderhooves to get a better wireless plan but... he's still with Hay-Tea and Tee."
Rainbow held her shoulder. "We all feel your pain."
The buffalo sobbed into Rainbow's mane. "Why do they claim to provide better service, yet not provide service that is better? Why is it more expensive, yet sucks so much?"
"One of the great mysteries of our time," Twilight said.
"It's all right," Dan said. "All of that changes. Right now. Except maybe your cell phone plan, that's on you guys. But we will kick some zebra flank, followed by Vice Grip's flank! And any other flanks that stand in our way!"
Little Strongheart nodded. "That does sound good. What is the plan?"
Dan grinned. "We're gonna nuke the zebras!" For some reason, they all cheered at the news, despite not knowing what a nuke was or what it meant to nuke something. Dan said it with such optimism that they couldn't help but be swept up in it.
"Brilliant idea!"
"Best idea I've heard today!"
"What are Team Aqua and Team Magma doing here?"
"That's fantastic!" Strongheart delightedly agreed. The ponies and buffalo around her cheered. "How can we help?"
"Hahaha!" Dan laughed confidently. "You guys get to be bait!"
They all stopped cheering. "I don't like this idea."
"That's a dumber idea than using Kyogre to expand the seas."
"Oh, fuck off, Maxie."
Ideas Dumber than Team Aqua/Magma's Original Plans: L
"What the hell does "L" stand for?"
"Make the shape with your hand..."
"Okay."
"And now put it on your forehead..."
"Fuck you, Archie."
"Heheheh."
"Hold on now," Twilight held up her hooves. "We will be with you. For this to work, we have to launch the nuke in full view of the zebras. We need to hold the zebras off while Knight targets the Zebra Kingdom."
"I undestand," Little Strongheart said, nodding. "We'll do everything we can. Won't we, all?!" They were reluctant to cheer. "I said, WON'T WE, ALL?!?!"
They cheered exuberantly, tossing hats and headdresses into the air. Tiny fireworks deployed and Tracer and the tumbleweed applauded... somehow.
Tuxley carefully made his way through the crowd to Dan and the others. "Excuse me, yes, pardon. Excuse me! Hello, Captain Dan?"
"Tuxley! Welcome to the party!" Dan said, having Fluffle carry him over. "We just got a bunch of reinforcements to help us fight the zebras!"
"About that," Tuxley pointed over his shoulder.
"Where's Reginald?" Phoenix asked.
"He's keeping a lookout. By the way, about the zebras..."
"What?"
"They're here."
Zen Lah led his army from the front. There was no need to hide who are what he was now. In truth, Czulkang had not been happier in years; he had a new enemy to both combat and educate. He did not know why he was here or why he was now a zebra, why the gods had chosen to rescue him from his fate and transform him into this new form. What he did know was that he was finally, once again doing what he was meant to do: fight. He couldn't have felt more fulfilled.
He marched his zebras across the train tracks towards Easy Junction. The junction itself was a train switching station a few miles from Appleloosa designed to serve as a last equipment-checking and testing station before trains accelerated down the long routes. Its name came from the fact that trains "took things easy" up to the junction and then sped up after it.
The sun was beginning to set as they approached the junction. Zeal's entire army marched in a massive rowed line of divisions, the klam-klam of their legs beating their shields echoing for miles. As they rounded the bend, Zeal spotted Dan's army, much larger than it was last time. And towards the back of their own ranks, a massive metal pony, light reflecting off its polished body. It faced the north, a massive horn glowing red atop its head. "What trickery is this?" The zebras stopped.
"I think... yep, they see us," Dan said, looking through his binoculars.
"The Sword Spell is ready to go!" Twilight announced, hovering near Knight's head.
"Accessing Equestrian Defense Grid. Target: Zebropolis. Stage-four protocols are engaged, awaiting confirmation to initiate launch sequence."
"We're ready, Dan!" Phoenix announced, wearing his Samurai guard armor again. "Give us the word and we can launch!"
"One last thing!" Dan yelled.
"What?!"
Twilight teleport-zapped to his location. "Dan, what are you doing?! They're here- they see us!!"
Dan held up his hands. "I want to give them one last chance to surrender."
The purple princess, usually the first to resort to diplomacy, even she quirked her head at the human in disbelief. "Really? After all this?"
"One more time," Dan said, reassuring her. He withdrew a bullhorn from Fluffle Puff's utility fluff and stood on her. She lifted him up, somehow making a mechanical elevator noise as she did.
Dan towered over both his army and the zebra hoard now. He was able to see all of them. Now, their numbers were even, more or less. A lot of ponies, buffies, griffies and zebra-ies might get hurt if they fought. But they were all of them committed. Dan would give them all one last chance to avert conflict. "Attention, zebras!" he yelled through the horn. "We have a nuke now. We will use it... but we really don't want to. Please, we really want to solve this without further violence. If you give us a chance, we'll-" A spear smashed into his bullhorn, knocking and Fluffle Puff into his crowd. Fortunately, Chrys was there to catch them both.
"Dan! Are you okay?"
The spear went through the bullhorn, forcing it into his mouth while he was yelling. He spat both of them out and yelled, "Launch the nuke! Launch the nuke!"
Alarms blared from Knight. The Magic Gear's eyes glowed red and scrolled with binary. She adjusted her head and braced with her powerful legs, her processors beginning the calculations to launch a ballistic magical warhead.
"Initiating Sword launch sequence. Warning: failsafes disengaged. Adjusting launch angle... set. Calculating trajectory... t-minus two minutes to launch."
"CHARGE!!" Dan ordered. "Two minutes! Hold them off for two minutes!!" He yelled. Chrys carried Dan and Fluffle Puff back to Knight as a stampede of hooves thundered beneath them.
"ZULU!!!!" Zeal's hoard yelled, raising spears and charging back at Dan's army. The powerful buffalo and Little Strongheart clashed with the first zebras just in front of the railroad tracks and the battle was on. The winner would be decided in all of two minutes.
Dan climbed into the MY-Wing. "Two minutes! You sure you guys got this?"
"We got this," Chrys said. She kissed Dan.
The human grinned mischievously. "And I'm getting that when I get back."
"Damn right, you are."
"Nicky! Get in the space truck!"
The lawyer looked back over his shoulder at the zebras one last time before climbing aboard. "Hey, Twilight?"
"Yes, Phoenix?"
"Do me a favor and make a note that most of those zebras are under the influence of hypnosis."
"In case they comeback?" Twilight asked.
"In case that comes up in court," Phoenix answered. He hopped aboard and they took off. The MY-Wing's four leg-like pylons flipped back to the aft of the craft and became the engines, throttling the ship up and to the north.
While they were talking, the battle was being waged. Waves of brown, black, gray and tan buffalo stormed towards a swarm of black and white. The armored buffalo in the front smashed into the zebras. The two massive armies collided in a clash of hooves and wood. Shoulder-to-shoulder, the buffalo pushed against the zebras.
"Together! Push them back!" Strongheart shouted.
"Heave! Heave! Heave!" The buffalo chanted. And they struggled to lift a single hoof and put it back down, every bit of strength to gain a single step. And a step is all they would gain.
*Klam-klam-klam-klam-klam-klam-klam!* The zebras behind the first line bashed their shields. And in a single unified step, undid the buffalos' progress. Step by step, the zebras drove the buffalo back.
"Hold! Hold on! Dig in, brace!!" Strongheart yelled.
"There are... there are too many!!" Chief Thunderhooves shouted. And his buffalo began to tumble. They fell into the ground as the zebras bulldozed into them, causing them to fall on top of each other. The buffalo behind them tried to dig their hooves in, pushed back against their own. But the tide was too great for them. The herd caved in on itself as opposing force became static force and then became no force at all.
"Ninety seconds to launch." Inside Knight, or perhaps on the digital plane of existence, the launch trajectory was being formed. Knight's processors calculated and recalculated, accounting for every variable they could. The holographic representation of the Zebra Capitol, a golden city surrounded by waterfalls, appeared in her eyes. Approximately twelve-million zebras lived and worked around that area. If the Sword had been live, it would have reduced half the country to dust. Fortunately, that was not the case, but the telemetry and data, all the factors had to be correct even though the bomb was a dud.
All they had to do was buy enough time to launch it. But even that was in jeopardy.
She nodded, still resolute. The mass of black and white was plunging through the army of buffalo, pushing through them. From this distance, it would have been fascinating for a tactician like Twilight to examine. To be involved, it was a gut-wrenching disaster unfolding before her eyes.
"Artillery, open fire!!"
Braeburn and the cowponies from Appleloosa unleashed a barrage from their catapults. Massive spheres of molten toasted marshmallow were lobbed into the air. The burning orbs landed on the zebras, covering their mid and rear ranks in sticky goo.
"Go, my love," Spike said, saluting a pile of marshmallows he had sculpted into a replica of Rarity, complete with purple frills for her mane and tail. The small dragon's romantic-yet-creepy subplot continued, although it wouldn't actually be useful until like episode 22. Yes, we've written that far in advance and yes, I can do that. "Fulfill your purpose!" Spike launched the mallow-pile at the zebras.
"Look!" Chrys pointed. "It's working!"
"Sixty seconds to launch. Warhead priming sequence engaged. Targeting sequence locked." The "horn" of the Sword Spell opened outward like a flower. Its six "petals" focused the six energies of Harmony into a single point at the tip of the horn. The entire spell began to glow red and hot, a light that rivaled that of the setting sun.
The zebras had temporarily become a new type of s'more. Molten marshmallow stuck to their shields and spears, making it difficult for them to keep up the rhythm that channeled their energy.
"It's working!" Twilight said, practically jumping at the result. She flew up to get a better view. "It's working! Strongheart, rally the zebras! We can push them back now!"
"Do not think you've won!" Zecora yelled.
"What?!"
She pointed at the horde. "The worst of Zen Zeal is still yet to be done!"
Twilight looked to the back of the formation. Although the front ranks of the zebras had stunningly been stopped, the rear guards were reorganizing.
"Twilight, it's him. Look," Chrys pointed at the back. At the very back of the zebra horde, almost around the bend, was a zebra using a spear not as a weapon but as a walking stick. Unlike the others, he was different. And he walked upright. He pointed at a single zebra and gestured at the formations, which responded instantly to each new command. This was the truth of Zen Zeal. The zebra army reserves raised their spears.
"ZULU!!!!" The zebras let out a combined cry and threw their spears. The simple sticks blocked out the sunset as they crossed the horizon, momentarily covering Twilight's view of the world in darkness. They were aimed right at her.
"Chrys! Fluffle! Shield!!"
They reacted instantly, grabbing each other. The Barricuddlecade sprang up from them, absorbing the spears in fluffy, pink energy made of love. Loving energy strong enough to absorb anything. Or so they thought.
Twilight closed her eyes, focusing all her energy into her horn. Her limbs burned as they channeled magical energy and although she couldn't see them, she knew Chrys and Fluffle were doing the same.
"Thirty seconds to launch." The Sword Spell glowed. Sparks and crackles of lightning erupted on the length of the horn from the petals as the destructive power built.
"Hold on!!" Twilight gripped them tighter. The spears came, a torrent of hatred and force like a single angry fist slamming down. Wooden spears splintered and cracked endlessly as they exploded against the barrier.
"Twenty seconds to launch..." Knight couldn't help herself from watching the others. Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle held each other tightly, uniting their power to form a barrier between her and an infinite assault of magic spears. Every fraction of a second, more of her processors were drawn to the three of them. Her friends.
"Twilight!!" Chrys yelled, strain in her voice. The fluffy shield was beginning to cave. The tiniest tears became rips, and then finally started to split apart.
"Keep holding, Chrys, keep holding!!"
"Thpppthhhh!!"
"The shield...!" Spears pierced through the shield and began running down around them. They came close to Knight but none of them hit her. The shield began to shrink from its edges.
Twilight could feel it. Her magic was still there but it couldn't reform the shield fast enough. Every bit of her energy, Chrys' and Fluffles' energy combined was going to rebuild the wall that the zebras were constantly breaking down. But there were only seconds left. They had to hold on.
"Keep holding, girls, keep holding! No matter what! Knight, launch the nuke!!"
"Ten seconds... to launch..." An enormous amount of condensation, maybe hydraulic fluid, some kind of liquid formed in Knight's optical sensors. She couldn't see through it, though she didn't need visual sensors to launch the nuke. The fluid pooled until finally it formed a tear that ran down her cheek.
Warning: fire suppression system malfunction. I am... I am crying. Failsafes have been disengaged. Firing sequence in five...
"Five..."
The spears broke through the last bit of the shield. One hit the edge of Chrys' hoof. "Ahhh!"
"Chrys!"
"Four..."
"I'm okay!"
"Three..."
"The shield is breaking!!!"
"Two..."
"No matter what!" Twilight called. She huddled down as their last bit of shield collapsed. "No matter what, we can't let them through!"
No matter what...
"One..."
"LAUNCH!!!" Twilight screamed.The shield broke. Nothing was between the spears and Knight but Twilight and Chrys themselves. The last shield.
"Aborting launch sequence."
"NOOOOO!!!"
A new shield appeared to stop the spears just before they hurt Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle Puff. A green shield... to match Knight's new green horn.
"Defense mode engaged." Knight moved her metal bulk between the ponies and the zebras, absorbing the spears with her new shield. The Sword Spell had been converted into a new shield spell but even it was starting to fracture against the zebra assault.
"No! No, launch!!" Twilight yelled. Drained, Chrys and Fluffle Puff collapsed next to her. Twilight's own horn felt it was thin enough to be made out of paper. She limped exhaustedly towards the infernal machine. "Why?! Why didn't you launch the nuke?!!"
"My mission is to defend Equestria."
"That's our mission, too!" Twilight roared back. "What are you doing?! That nuke was supposed to get rid of the zebras, to save our kingdom!!"
"You would have been harmed."
"What?!" Twilight shook her head. "This isn't about us! We're fighting for our friends, our family back home!"
"This is my home. You are Equestria." The shield in front of her began to crack. Spears punched through and scraped Knight's armor. The wood was like a razor against her steel hide. Still, she stood.
Tears burst from Twilight's eyes and ran down her face. "You stubborn... how can you say that?!"
The massive machine turned to them. She was crying. "You are... my friends."
Twilight cried. She couldn't speak, but struggled to do so. She sobbed into her foreleg.
"Go now. Tell Jack I was wrong. Save yourselves," Knight said.
"What?"
"GO!!" Her shield began to collapse. The zebras came running, charging, still chucking spears. They pierced her horn, shredding it. Her mane was torn to bits. She fell forward as both her legs were punctured. The spears finally stopped as the mighty mechanical protector was brought down by the zebras.
Twilight grabbed Chrys and Fluffle and ran. Behind her, Knight fell to the zebra horde. Somehow, even as she galloped away, she heard Knight's voice. Not through her ears but... through something else.
"Tell Jack... tell Jack I was wrong. Heheheh..." she chuckled as her systems shutdown. "I was... a good... butterfly...ha! Beat you to this one, Hideo!" Her head hit the dirt, lights completely faded.
It didn't take long after that for the zebras to gather the prisoners. Other than Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle Puff, none of the others escaped. The pegasi, griffons, Dan, Tuxley, Reginald and Phoenix had gone to the zebra kingdom. Zen Zeal stood before the head of the downed metal beast, examining her. Little Strongheart, Zecora and Spike had been brought before him.
"Technology... magic..." he said, prodding the Magic Gear with his spear. "You have let your deluded ideology corrupt these things. It is your folly to lose because you have no focus for your faith, no goal. And to use these... perversions," he struck the machine, "is a testament to your corruption. You fail to realize the simplest of lessons."
"What would you know? You do not care to teach!!!" Zecora raged. "You would only take everything, you destroy all within reach!!"
He smiled. "It is nice to see you too, my dear." He smacked his shield. "But apparently, I can teach you something."
"And what is that?" Spike asked, tied to the back of a zebra.
"The bigger they are, the harder they fall," he said. He smacked his spear onto a shield twice. Blast Fuse and Blast Powder were carried in on the backs of another pair of zebras.
"Hey guys!"
"Hey guys."
"Blasties!" Spike exclaimed. "What happened to you guys?"
The explosive pony sisters stared at the dragon. "Do we really need to spell it out for you? Also, hi Dustin."
"Hi Dustin! We're prisoners of war!"
"Yay?"
"No Fusey, no-yay."
"Boooooo."
"That's the one. We can't wave because our hooves are tied behind our backs."
"I can wave at him with my tail! Hi Dustin!"
Zen Zeal smacked both of them. "Prisoner rule number-one: no breaking walls. Including the fourth one."
"Boooooo."
Zeal gestured towards the bomb. "Your new weapon. I will use it only to throw it back at you, to show you that this destructive force is not your salvation. It is not your master, magic does not obey you. And it can be turned against you." He had the Blast sisters released from their chains. The zebra captors threw them both on the ground. "You both- rearm this bomb."
"Or what?"
"Or I will launch your friends instead," he turned and walked away.
"You think that frightens us? You know nothing!" Strongheart yelled. "Dan is far more dangerous than any weapon! And he is marching on your capital with the rest of our forces right now!"
Zen smiled again. "Of course he is," he walked over to Zecora. "And when the conquest of Equestria is complete, I will bring you all back with me to Zebrapolis for my final battle on the footsteps of the capital itself," he rubbed under his wife's chin with his hoof, grinning into her eyes. "All these years I have spent conquering and gathering prisoners. They will now be the guests at the wedding you walked out on, my dear. My victory over Dan shall be the last battle before we take our vows... and the whole world shall watch."
She spat in his face. "I have nothing to say-"
He grinned, unfazed. "So save it for our wedding day." He walked off, leaving his army to clean up the mess.
Zulu: Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
Dan and Phoenix cruised northward towards the Zebra Kingdom. Gust's three carriers followed behind while several groups of pegasi and griffons flanked them to keep an eye out for trouble. They were all thankful that there didn't appear to be any opposition to them approaching the border, though with relief came the stark reminder that most of their problems were behind them. Problems that were marching towards them.
The kingdom was mostly covered in dense forest and lush jungle for miles. Although on Earth, the zebras were largely located in Africa, the Zebra Kingdom of Equestria resembled a combination of Roman, Aztec, Carthaginian and ancient Chinese kingdoms. To the casual observer, certain countries and areas of Equestria resembled other nations on Earth, but that wasn't entirely the truth. In actuality, the nations of Equestria represented time periods rather than parallel kingdoms. The Zebra Kingdom represented the ancient past while the Dinosaur and Dragon Domains, high-tech and barren wastes respectively, represented the uncertain future. Nestled in the middle of them all, Equestria was more or less a combination of past and future, making it a more accurate parallel of any country on Earth than the others.
Saddle Arabians, with their love of stars, represented a spirit of exploration and discovery. But with their country in ruins, it wasn't sure what they represented at present, unfortunately.
"Where are you planning to intercept the zebras?" Phoenix asked. "The border's massive, they could cross it anywhere."
"Those nazi-zebras don't bother going around anything!" Dan yelled. "Thick-headed idiots just machine in a straight line! They'll take the quickest route to the capital, so we'll stop 'em on the way!"
"At least you're confident," Phoenix remarked. (But hey, maybe he is onto something. C'mon, Nick, you can do this. It's only an unstoppable horde of zebras that have kicked our asses like thirty times already. What are the odds it could happen again...? Yeah, I'm gonna have to work on my own confidence.)
"We're coming up on a nice spot now, right between the mountains. This is where we'll make our stand!"
"Okay, we gonna lay in a nice approach so we ca-AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Phoenix screamed as Dan dove the MY-Wing almost straight towards the ground. "AAAAHHHAAAAEEEE!!"
"Keep it down, Nicky! I can't hear the radio for weather updates."
"DANPULLUP!!!!!!" the lawyer shrieked.
Dan turned around in his seat. "Nicky, I am driving right now. If you want to drive, you can pilot on the way back home."
"EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
Dan pulled up at literally the last second. The MY-Wing landed gently at the edge of a clearing, its four engines reconfigured back into legs and touched down on some vine-covered cobblestones. The canopy of the craft popped open and Dan jumped out, followed by Phoenix sliding out and collapsing to the ground.
"I... I think I'll fly the ship... on the way home," Phoenix said, panting. "I call it... I call it right now."
"Great, we can get some tacos on the way back. Wanna hit up the drive thru?" Dan watched as Phoenix proceeded to vomit. "That doesn't count as no, Nicky."
While the griffon carriers landed, Dan and Phoenix took time to examine their surroundings. The white-green cobblestones underneath them weren't unlike the streets of Canterlot, except long overdue for work. Dried up vines and vegetation crept through the cracks between the stones and the ruins of statues, fountains and ornate sculptures were strewn about the landscape.
"I don't think this place is on the brochure," Dan commented.
"I don't even think this place is on the map," Phoenix added. The pair walked up to the ruined base of a fountain. One side of it was scorched black all around the edges. In the center of the fountain was a pedestal meant to rise out of it, a pair of broken statues had fallen off beside it. Or had been blasted off.
Dan noticed a plaque in the half-crumbled base. "Peace Prevails National Park," he read. "Doesn't look like they did much to keep the peace."
"This site is dedicated to the future of Equestria and Zequestria. As our nations grow and prosper, so shall this garden, cared for by pony and zebra alike. We share our world, our similarities and our differences and as kingdom and kin, we work together to make our future a brighter place for all," Phoenix finished reading.
"Heh, Tia always was schmaltzy like that," a familiar voice said. Dan and Phoenix looked around the pedestal, to the other side of the fountain. And they realized they were not alone. "Welcome to my garden, gentlemen," the Director said. "Here to do battle amidst these deferred dreams?"
But Dan was in no mood for games. He closed the gap between the two of them, fully intending to grab the creature by the cloak and strangle it. He got close to the Director, nearly arms-length away before she turned around. And he stopped.
"Hello, Dan."
"Uhhmm..." he momentarily forgot his courage, lost somewhere in the pony's gruesome visage. But he found it quickly. "Okay! What the heck is your deal, exactly? Are you some fanboy, some kind of monster, or a secret princess or something? Because I'm getting tired of this crap."
And the Director just smiled back at him. Her dark blue eyes would be almost haunting, even cute if they weren't so predatory. Underneath her cloak, every part of her that was visible, anyway, screamed creature of darkness. When she spoke, her voice sounded like two voices overlapped- one of a young boy and another of an elderly woman. "I told you before, Dan. I'm a lot of things."
"That's... not exactly, um, helpful," Phoenix said. He raised his hand cautiously. "If I could ask, what is it you want?"
"What every good director wants, Mr. Wright. A good performance. A long time ago, Equestria had that, until Tia and Lulu lost sight of it," she said. She turned back towards the pedestal. "Let me ask you both a question: do you think redemption is real?"
They both exchanged a glance and asked simultaneously, "What?"
"Is it possible to truly forgive something? To forgive someone? Tia wasn't able to forgive herself for banishing her little sister. It's only just now they've finally started talking again. A thousand years, Tia ruled and because she wasn't able to get over one little thing... well, you see the results."
Phoenix understood right away, but it too Dan a minute. He continued to look around. "What? Celestia did this?"
The Director turned towards Dan. For the first time, she wasn't smiling. "She let this happen. She let a lot of things happen. THEY let a lot of things happen," she said, teeth gritted. Her voice had just the smallest amount of venom in it, but it dissipated quickly. It wasn't much of an effort to hide it, but Phoenix realized it was there. She was hiding something.
The lawyer stepped forward. "You sound like you're talking about something specific. What exactly happened to you?"
The Director slowly turned to Phoenix. And what the ace attorney was hoping would happen, happened. His view of the world became black, the background faded away. The Director's form appeared in the center but... no chain. The magatama's reactions were like this, a lot of times, but never this way specifically. The stone magically enhanced his own perception, seemingly stopping time and allowing him to see into the soul of any person he used it on. If they were trying to conceal the truth, a psyche-lock and chain would manifest over them, often times, more than one, representing layers of deception he needed to unlock to break through.
But nothing appeared this time. Phoenix felt cold, wanted to turn to Dan but he couldn't look away. The Director's large blue eyes simply stared at him, as if he was the one being investigated and not the other way around. Finally, after what felt like too long, a lock did appear over the Director. A psyche lock in the shape of a heart. "Is there something wrong... Mr. Wright?" her words echoed in his skull. In the black abyss of thought, he felt unable to move. Unable to speak. "You look like... you just asked something you don't want to know the answer to." Her form started walking towards him.
"Nicky..."
She came closer. "Or maybe it's something you already know the answer to... but you don't realize it yet."
"Nicky..."
"Because the answer is staring you... right in the face!!"
"NICKY!!" Dan shook him.
"GAAAHH!!"
"Are you all right, Wright? You were in one of those trance things again!"
"I'm... I'm fine," Phoenix said, catching his breath again. He checked his magatama. (And so are you... don't go freaking me out like that again. Please.)
"Alright," Dan said, releasing his taller friend. He turned back to the Director. "And as for you, either you start helping us, or stay out of our business, because we don't need any more of your vague-riddle crap, OR your meddling, but I don't know why I'm still talking because it's obvious you're already gone again. So there."
The Director had vanished. Even before Dan had turned back to her, she was already long gone.
"I hate that... guy. I think," Dan said.
"You think you hate him or you think he's a guy?"
"Yes."
Phoenix sighed.
"Wow," Gust, who had apparently been behind them for some time, remarked on the scene. "That guy is scary."
"Nuggets!" Dan ran up to him. "Tell me you stole something from him."
The griffon looked puzzled. "Um, how am I supposed to steal something from... that thing?"
"I thought you were going to sneak around and steal something while no one is looking. Aren't you a ninja... pirate... chicken or something?"
Gust thought. "I'm at least one of those things. But no, I didn't steal anything from him. I'd be kind of afraid to. Like, inside his pocket might be just another pocket or like, a dimension of darkness and weird swirly lines. Or the Reverse World."
"He does kind of remind me of Giratina," Phoenix said.
Dan growled. Again, they were getting nowhere. The whole world felt like it was against them and they couldn't even find out why. There were no answers to any of their questions: not how to beat Zen Zeal, not how to beat Vice Grip, not who the Director is or what they even wanted. Somewhere, in the middle of a ruined park representing broken peace, they were stuck trying to separate fact from fiction, myth from legend, in an effort to avoid having their home becoming what they were standing on.
The future and the past were mysteries they would have to solve another day. "We can't deal with him now. We have to stop Zen Zeal," Dan said.
"We're ready. For whatever you need, Dan," Gust said.
"We're here for you. I've got your back," Phoenix added. (And I'm looking over mine just to be safe.)
Tuxley raised a claw. "Shouldn't the Sword Spell have gone off by now?" They all turned to look at him. "Oh, my apologies. I forget that loose lizard lips do often sink ships."
"He's right, Dan," Phoenix said. "We should've seen the Sword Spell fly overhead. Something might've happened to Twilight and the rest of the group."
"Like what?" Rainbow asked. "Don't tell me the zebras have a bomb now, too."
"The zebras have a bomb?!" Becky panicked. All around them, griffons and ponies started whispering among themselves.
"Everybody, relax," Dan said, trying to calm them. "I'm sure they'll launch the Sword Spell soon. We'll see it any minute now." He looked to the sky to the south, confident in his words.
"Are you sure, Dan?"
"Of course I am, Nicky. It'll be any minute now."
Two Hours Later
"Dan, I don't think it's coming."
"Nicky, don't worry. I'm sure they're just waiting for the last minute."
The Last Minute Later
"Dan-"
"It'll be fine, Nicky, it'll be fine," he reassured him, now with the moon hanging overhead. "It won't be long now."
Long Now Later
"Okay, that one doesn't even make any freaking sense!!" Dan yelled at the transition card.
"Dan, I don't think they're going to launch the Sword Spell," Phoenix said.
Tuxley removed his hat again. "I'm afraid our friends may have hit a spot of bother."
"By which, he means they've been captured," Reginald explained.
"Reginald!" Tuxley gasped. "Tact, my dear boy! Tact! This is no time to remind Dan how dire his circumstances are! That last thing he needs right now while preparing for the upcoming battle is to be reminded that his closest friends and loved ones, not to mention his own girlfriend have likely been defeated and are being held captive by the and I just realized I'm not helping at all, am I?"
"Unfortunately, you may be having the opposite effect, sir."
"Indeed," Tuxley agreed. "Dash it all. I'm afraid it's been quite a long day."
"It's okay, Tuxrex," Dan said. "It's good to be... reminded of what we're fighting for. Our friends and loved ones."
"Our homes and families," Phoenix added.
"The greatest treasure of them all- family," Gust said, offering his own rare gem of wisdom.
"And I'm not gonna lie," Dan continued, "if we lose here, we're boned. Totally boned. Like Blast Fuse and Blast Powder-levels of boned."
"We're not even in this scene. That's how boned he means."
"And we don't have much chance of winning!" Dan shouted. They were all surrounding him. And he spoke to each and every one of them, turning each time. "No, we're probably going to lose! We've tried everything against these guys and they've taken it! In fact, I can honestly say that we're already boned! That's a likely prediction at this time! If I could place my bets right now, I'd put every dime I had on Zen Zeal!"
"Dan?" Phoenix tapped his shoulder. "Not exactly words of encouragement."
"Oh, right. Yeah, that was probably bad for morale, wasn't it?"
"But not inaccurate," Phoenix said, raising his voice. "What Dan's saying is that this is our last chance. Our last chance to save Equestria, our last chance to save our friends, our families, our last chance to stop these zebras in their tracks!"
"He's right!" Dan yelled. "Now look, all of you, I don't know what they're going to say about what we do here."
"They're gonna say you started with the famous "We're Boned" speech."
"But no matter what, I'm going to fight today," Dan said, looking into their eyes. "I'm going to stand against those zebras, against every last one of them, against everything they have and everything they try to take and everything they want to destroy!! Now, who is with me?!!"
They all cheered, and as one voice yelled, "We're with you, Dan!!"
"That's the spirit!" Dan yelled. He drew his cane and pointed it towards their opposition. "Now, let's go out there and be SLIGHTLY LESS BONED!!!"
They were all silent until Phoenix added, "AND KICK SOME ZEBRA ASS!!!" And they all cheered again.
"Objection!" Tuxley raised his claw. They all turned to him. "Dan is supposed to say that."
"Ehhh," Dan slapped Nick's shoulder. "He did good. Good job, Nicky."
They formed up- ponies, griffons, and at the front two gentlemen, a lawyer and a Dan. They were at the head of a ragtag army of battered, random individuals, the only defense Equestria had left. They had little hope of victory, but they were all determined to fight. And that was when Wedge/Edge Antares and Derpy flew down to them.
"Dan!" Derpy said.
"Mail girl and pizza guy, what's up? You're just in time to get your butts kicked along with us!" Dan said.
Wedge hovered up to him. "With all due respect, I think you need to reconsider meeting them head-on."
"Why's that?"
Wedge came in close. "I have a plan."
"Oooooooh," Dan said. "I'm listening." And the former general told Dan his plan.
Zen Zeal marched his army through the canyons. He marched at the front of his legions, keeping pace his troops. The magic that coursed through them made him look like just another zebra but really, he was every zebra. Zebra magic worked similarly to pony magic; their wooden spears and shields were like horns, their potions were like energy and their rhythmic beats were like the casting of specific spells. In essence, their army was a giant spell, a single feat of magic cast continually and moving across the land. A coincidence indeed, considering they were seen as a "curse" upon the land.
They stopped in front of the ruined fountain. He stepped out of formation for just a moment and tapped the plaque in the half-crumbled base. "Peace prevails...," he read. "Heh," he gestured around him with his spear and said, "not if this is all you do with it."
He looked around. His army was assembled, he was on the very edge of zebra territory, yet there was no enemy in sight. No sign of Dan or his band of delinquent deviants. Zen walked to the side, still forced to use his spear as a cane, back to where Spike and the other prisoners were being held. "Your friends are late."
The zebra leaned to where the dragon was strapped to one of his soldiers. "I would know if they were here. Believe me, I would know."
"My friends aren't cowards!" Spike yelled. "They'll... they'll fight you, I know they will! They wouldn't give up now!"
Zen grinned. "The purple one uses you to send important messages, does she not? Perhaps soon, she'll be sending her terms of unconditional surrender?"
The dragon scowled. "Not likely. They said they can beat you here. Your magic won't work on your own territory."
"It is the legend of which he speaks- yours," Zecora said, strapped to the zebra behind him. "The way to finally defeat you and end these wars."
The zebra scowled. He ran up to his soon-to-be-bride. "I am unstoppable. THAT is my legend. My army is invincible and I shall crush all who oppose me; THAT is my destiny!" He snarled at her, hoping to quash whatever hope she held onto.
But even upside down and tied to the back of one of his legionaries, he could tell she was grinning at him. "And it is true that no matter how you act-"
"Stop it. STOP rhyming."
"You were bound to lose some time," she said.
"Stop it."
"And that's-"
"No."
"A fact."
"Arrrraaaagaaah!" he roared. He drew his spear and brought it down, pressing it against her stomach. "Perhaps you shall not see our wedding day after all! I could skewer you here among the ruins of your failed friendship with these pitiful ponies!"
"Um, question," Blast Fuse waved from somewhere in the back. "Should I be concerned I'm strapped to this guy's butt?"
"I can be strapped to something else, if that's cool," Powder added.
"Ewww, Powdy, stop making it weird."
"We're tied up to zebra-butt," Fusey countered. "And this isn't even the weirdest thing we've been in."
"Yeah. Denver's weird."
"SHUT UP!!" the general yelled. "All of you, the next one to talk is-"
*kreeetch*
Zen turned. His army motioned with him, all at once. At the edge of the tree line on the other side of the park, he saw a figure. He saw it from every pair of eyes his troops had, part of it, anyway. Something had moved just beyond the trees and then retreated.
"Eyes? Visual? Anyone?" he asked, already knowing the answer.
"Heh," Spike chuckled. "I think that might be them..."
But Zen ignored the tiny dragon. He began beating his shield, commanded "Forward, all," and moved in step with his forces. Zen Zeal and his army crossed the proverbial Rubicon, stepping on the pieces of the broken statue within the ruined fountain. The golden plaque was dislodged by the massive army's movements and landed face-first on the ground.
He marched with his forces into the forest. Unlike the park, a dense white mist covered the area, even obscuring the sky. It was like a blanket of fog but not as thick, obscuring only the distance but not the sunlight above. Dense enough mist to cloud but not enough to darken, it stretched from tree to tree and surrounded them. Zeal had used such mist before. It was perfect for ambush tactics.
Zen Zeal smiled. "You've tried traps before but not with this terrain. Very good, Dan- you're learning," he said, loud enough for it to almost echo through the trees. Only the sound of the breeze swishing through the branches answered him.
He walked up to one of the trees. Thick trees, they had a crystal-like sheen to them. "Baffor trees," Zeal said. He reached out and pressed his hoof on one of their trunks. He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, the scent of them filling the air like volcanic ash. In this moment, he stopped being the zebra Zen Zeal and was Czulkang Lah again. He pressed his hand back against the tree. When he pulled it back again, his palm and taloned fingers were red. But he felt nothing.
"Once, these trees would have undone me," he remarked. He looked back to his army, a legion of Yuuzhan Vong warriors standing with weapons drawn. "Long ago, the Baffor would have undone us all. Now, they are but reeds to us!" he shouted. He raised his spear, a zebra again. "We are the greatest army this or any other universe has ever seen! Do you hear me, Antilles?! My youth is restored, my new form is perfected and my faith is undiminished! I AM UNBEATABLE!!!"
But nothing answered him. He looked around, searching for some sign of the enemy, some response from Dan or his forces. Only silence. Not even his prisoners said a word. He looked and listened for a few long moments before finally returning to formation and forcing this army to march on.
After what felt like hours, Blast Fuse finally said, "I think we're lost."
"That's funny, cuz I thought we were lost the last time we passed a foreboding mist tree."
"I know, me too. But that was like twenty foreboding mist trees ago."
The sisters then had a simultaneous thought. And because of telepathy, they shared it. "Yes. We are so going to make creepy tree bombs for Nightmare Night."
"Ohmaigawsh that's gonna be so-"
"Silence!" Zeal shushed them, suddenly appearing as the zebra beside them.
Blast Powder raised an eyebrow. "Can you turn into the zebras we're attached to?"
"That would be so weird."
Two zebras smacked them both with their shields. "Quiet. Or you'll find out-"
"Exactly what I can turn into."
"Ho crap," Blast Fuse said. "They just did the thing that we do!"
"I know, right! That's our-" the zebras smacked them again. "Ow! Fine, sheesh."
Zeal continued leading his forces. They traveled what felt like north but he quickly realized he had very little way of knowing. After a few starts and stops and what felt like hours after that, Blast Fuse finally broke the silence by saying, "You're lost."
He ignored her at first. Then finally said, "I am not lost."
"That's exactly what somepony would say-"
"-if they were lost."
"Silence." He stopped his army and stood out in front of them with his spear. Holding the wooden weapon out in front of him, he hoped to douse with it. He pointed it every way he could, trying to feel through the wood which path was the right one. But the wood didn't speak to him. He felt nothing. "Where are you?!" He roared, yelling into the mist. He spun around frantically, searching. "Show yourselves! Face me, Dan!!" Only the sound of the trees gently swaying replied.
"I think this might've been a bad idea," a voice said.
"Yeah. Not gonna lie, starting to have second thoughts," another one said.
Spike looked up. Those voices hadn't come from him or the other prisoners. They were different voices... and they came from the zebras.
"Shut up!" another zebra, this one sounding like Zen, yelled.
"All of you, shut up!" Zen Zeal ordered. He beat his spear on his shield to marshal his army. *klam-klam-klam-klam-klam-klam*
And all around them, the trees began to glow. *Klum-klum, klum-klum-klum* *Klum-klum-klum-klum-klum*
The zebras in Zeal's army tried to mimic his beats but couldn't. Zen Zeal tried again. *KLAM-KLAM-KLAM-KLAM*
*Klummidy-klum-klum, klum-klummidy-klum*
"Hey, nice beat," Gary Busey said, randomly walking through the mist.
Zen Zeal spun around but Gary was already gone. "What trickery is this?! Antilles, if this is more of your deception, I will not-" *KLANG!*
Dan smacked him in the face with his Pain Cane. "You're gonna be red all over when I'm done with you, Zippy!"
Zeal swiped at the human with his spear but by the time he brought his weapon down, Dan had vanished. A parasol tip jabbed him in the shoulder, almost knocking him over.
"You guys brought this on yourselves! EEEP!" Phoenix yiped. Zeal attempted to backhand the lawyer with his shield but the spot where he had been was vacant. The zebra slashed only at empty space.
"Where are you?!!" he roared. "Stand and face me!!" Neither of the humans were there. Had they even been there to begin with?
"Who are you talking to?" a zebra asked.
"He was talking to them!"
"Who's them?"
"They were, just a moment ago!"
"SILENCE! SILENCE, ALL OF YOU!" Zeal shouted. He beat his shield again. *KLAMKLAMKLAMKLAMKLAM*
*Klum-klum, klum-klum, klum-klum-klum-kloooom* The trees rhythmically glowed again.
"AAARRRGH!" Zeal shouted. "Get in formation! Now, march!" he ordered. And the zebras obeyed. He marched them back through the mist.
More time passed. It felt like the sun should have set, but the mist obscured everything. In reality, it had only been about twenty minutes since they'd left the park. Yeah, it was that bad. Pretty messed up, huh? I mean, the other characters have fourth-wall powers or whatever, but Zeal was cracking so much under pressure that he was actually starting to hear what the narrator said.
"Who is saying that?!" Zeal said, frantically looking around. "Show yourselves... at once! Or... or I shall burn down this whole forest!!"
"I'm afraid..." one of the zebras said, curling up.
"I want to go home."
"We are home."
"Yay?"
"No, I mean home home."
"Where is home?"
Blast Fuse looked around. The zebra she was attached to was trembling. She slipped out of her bindings and down to the ground. "What's going on here?"
"They're all... afraid," her sister answered.
"They're all Zen Zeal," Zecora said, climbing off her own captor. "And now, the fear for them is real."
"SHUT UP!! ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP!!" Zeal bellowed. He grabbed his ears, like a thousand voices were whispering in them. But in reality, it was only one voice: his own. He chucked his spear at a tree but the point couldn't penetrate the bark.
"What's going on?"
"We have to get out of here!!"
"I saw something!!"
"WHERE?!"
"OVER THERE! OVER THERE!!"
The ground shook. Heavy rumbles reverberated through the ground, shaking the trees as a figure approached from the mist. Tuxley walked towards the zebras, appearing out of the mist like it was the late cretaceous. He regarded them all with a tip of his hat. "Good afternoon, Mr. Zeal, is it? I believe I was sent to give a message to you." The large reptile retrieved a note from his vest pocket and a pair of reading glasses. "*Ahem* Rar."
"DINOSAUR!!!" The zebras panicked. Zen Zeal panicked. In that brief instant, they dropped their weapons, their prisoners and ran panicked into the woods.
Spike, Zecora and the others gathered as the zebras fled. "Tuxley, good job!" Spike said. "Of course, I would've added a little fire-breathing, really scared the stripes off of 'em. You know."
"I- of course you would have, Master Spike," the dino said, offering a polite bow.
"Is this all part of Dan's plan?" Little Strongheart asked. She and her fellow buffalo and Appleloosians gathered some of the zebra weapons.
Tuxley raised a claw. "Quite a few plans, actually, all combined into one larger plan. It's quite inspired."
"Really?" the Blasties asked in unison. "Tell us! Tell us!" So he did.
While the zebra horde panicked, Dan followed the real Zen Zeal through the mist, which was already starting to dissipate. He held his Pain Cane by the middle in his right hand, ready to lever it upon anyone he came across like the righteous cudgel it was. Pushing through the underbrush, he kept scanning the path in front of him, wary of any traps, while Phoenix followed close behind.
Dan didn't have a plan at the moment- not enough time to really make one. He smirked, recognizing the moment of his own uncertainty. "I haven't gone over a strategy with you."
"I figured you would when you got a chance. Best to just keep our wits about us, use general tactics right now."
Dan nodded. "You're learning well, Nicky."
"I guess you could say that." (And I hope, I REALLY hope I can teach you how to stay out of legal trouble.)
As they came to a clearing, the mist completely dispersed. The moon shown high overhead, moving on its own power, for the moment. Stars covered the sky and the light from the moon barely illuminated the grass. Ahead of them, as Dan came out of the forest, was the Peace Prevails Park. And between them and the ruined fountain was Zen Zeal, staring up into the night.
Snarling, Dan felt his blood boiling just beneath the surface of his skin. He was ready to jump on the unsuspecting zebra and rip him to pieces when he felt Phoenix's hand on his shoulder. "Dan," he said, "do the right thing."
He gripped his brother's hand. "I will, Nicky. You know I will."
"Of course." (Like *squee* I do.)
Making no effort to quiet his footsteps, Dan approached Zen Zeal. He held his cane at the ready still, just in case. "Zenny?"
"You beat me," Zen said. "I am undone again by a clever mind more cunning than my own. I admit defeat."
Dan did not holster his weapon. "Uh uh. Is that so? Well, how nice of you to notice."
"This is my first loss, my first defeat," he said, still looking up.
"In how lon-"
"Ever," Zen clarified. "Borleias was a victory that defeated me... as Antilles intended. But it was not true defeat. It was one battle, one move in a larger game, a larger war. I understand, now. She is using us both. She likes to watch."
"She?" Dan repeated. "You mean the Director? I thought that guy was a... well, I guess I don't know what he is. The creepy cloak guy, right?"
He shook his head. "I do not know who or what she is for certain. Only that it is a creature of unspeakable power, one that is able to control so many on a whim. It matters not- that is your concern now, not mine."
"But you could help us!" Dan protested. "If she's watching us both, we shouldn't keep playing into her and Vice's hands! We could work together... or something!"
Zen kept his back turned. "That is your fight, not mine. You, Antilles, Wright, the others... even the bird and the lizard, you have defeated me. By beating me on my own territory, you have convinced me of my own legend. You made me doubt myself, you made me believe my own myth, you changed my mind about war, battle and everything. I cannot express how happy I am... nor how grateful I am to have fought you."
Dan was stupefied for a long moment. His mouth hung open in disbelief. "I beat on a bunch of trees with a stick. It messed up your spell and then I scared the crap out of your troops and snapped them out of hypnosis. You're overcomplicating this."
The zebra finally turned around. And he was smiling. "Perhaps." He lowered his spear and shield at Dan. "What say you, captain? One last match, and the victor shall truly be the greatest Warmaster of the Equihaan Vong!"
"Okay," Dan said, gripping his cane, "but I have to tell you one thing."
"Yes, warrior?"
"I have the law on my side- and it's right behind you."
"Eh-OOOF!" Phoenix Wright, using the handle of his umbrella, yanked Zen Zeal's right leg off the ground. The zebra, holding both his shield and spear, was unable to maintain his balance and fell. "Haagh! Well-played, Dantilles!" He struggled to stand, even as Phoenix backed off.
But Dan was already standing over him. "Yeah. Guess you could say, I'm the real deal... Zeal."
The zebra looked up, questioning. "Is that a pu-*BLANG!*" Dan brought down the cane's horseshoe handle on top of the zebra's head. A solid, metal bash and the general was out cold.
Dan stood atop his fallen foe triumphantly. "Vini vidi... umm, and the other thing."
"Vici," Phoenix said, approaching. "I came, I saw, I conquered."
"That's right, we did. We came, we saw stuff, and then we kicked his ass," Dan said, putting his arm around the taller human.
Phoenix patted his shoulder and carefully removed Dan's arm. "Yeah... something like that."
"Eeyep. And you helped, Nicky."
"Yay. But for the record, you can take all the credit for finally beat him. You don't need to mention me."
"Nonsense! What would I be without my partner, ace attorney Phoenix "Nicky" Wright?"
"Uh... Phoenix is already a nickname, so-"
Dan hefted the unconscious zebra over his shoulder. "C'mon, Nicky, let's go tell Twilight and the others! I might be able to convince them to let us keep this guy as a trophy!"
"They'll never agree to- wait, let me talk to them first! Oh gawd, DON'T TELL THEM I'M AN ATTORNEY!!" Phoenix chased after Dan back into the forest. Behind them, the Director sat on the fountain, watching them both. She quietly applauded.
When Dan finally met up with Twilight and the others, she was busy freeing the other prisoners. The Gold Baron had actually swooped in to help Twilight, Chrys and Fluffle flee the zebras after they lost at Easy Junction, and now they were helping to get the other ponies freed. Despite the need to get the others released, Dan proudly tossed down the unconscious form of Zen Zeal for all to see right then and there.
He proudly proclaimed, "Do I deliver or what? Can I get a high-five from somepony?"
Fluffle Puff's fluff deployed a foam hand that tagged Dan's. She then gave a celebratory raspberry.
Chrys flew right up to Dan and nuzzled him. "Danny!"
"Chrissie! I brought you a present!" He said, holding her tight.
"Awww, the maniacal military genius leader of a renegade army of fanatics? You shouldn't have," she said, buzzing her wings gleefully.
And that was when Spike walked up with a microphone and asked, "So Dan, you just beat the bad guy, you've saved Equestria from tyranny and made the world safe for ponies everywhere. What are you going to do now?"
Dan smiled, looked right at the camera and said, "I'm going to the Fun Cave with my amazingly hot, black, girlfriend!"
Chrys' eyes lit up. "Yayyyyyy!" Dan lifted her up, somehow, and carried her off-screen.
Watching this, Twilight walked up to Phoenix and Tuxley. Dan and Chrys entered an oddly-placed pile of pillows that were built up like a fort and were, for whatever reason, located in the middle of this forest. With an expression of pure delight, Fluffle Puff slowly closed the door to the Fun Cave behind her.
Tuxley wiped his monocle. "I find myself a touch more perplexed than enlightened at this time."
Twilight looked over Zen Zeal. "It's amazing. Dan actually beat him."
"I know," Phoenix agreed. "Somehow, Dan won. He beat the legend."
Tuxley tapped his chin. "So which legend was true? Was Zen Zeal really invincible or was he an alien?"
"Was he using some kind of magic?" Blast Fuse asked.
"Or could he only be beaten in his own country?" Blast Powder asked.
"Was the enemy utilizing a previously-unknown variable that we were not statistically able to account for?" Knight asked, semi-repaired. They all looked at her. "I am a machine, I think in terms of logic. And cupcakes."
Twilight looked at Zeal. Right now, he didn't look like anything except a zebra, one of many, yet unique. Exactly the same as the others, yet entirely different. "I think they all might have been true."
"I think all of Zen Zeal's legends might be true," Twilight said, partly thinking out loud. "He was invincible, he was unbeatable in battle and no matter what he, could take anything and couldn't be stopped. But he didn't believe it, not even once. To him, he was just a powerful zebra general. Using magic, he was able to prey on our own beliefs about him, using our own fears against us. He didn't start believing his own legend until he battled Dan that last time."
"Quite a clever cad," Tuxley remarked. "So, the truly "unstoppable zen zeal" was the one we had to show in opposition to him. The moment doubt set in, we faltered. But when we were able to make Zeal believe his own legend, he began to doubt his own abilities. We changed his belief."
"We changed his mind," Phoenix added. "More than just his belief, but his entire outlook on things. I don't think Dan will read much into it, but..." he looked over at the unconscious form of Zen Zeal. He was no longer out cold but had fallen into a peaceful sleep. "I believe we may have changed him for the better."
"Cool... what now?" Spike asked.
"We'll find out soon..."
"When our fearless leader comes back from the Fun Cave," Blast Fuse and Blast Powder said, both holding each other and sobbing.
Twilight looked at them, puzzled. "Why are you crying? What's the Fun Cave?"
Powdy sniffled and pointed with her hoof, still holding her sister. "It's that random pillow fort over there."
"Oh... yeah," Twilight said. "Forgot about that... but why are you both crying? What's wrong with the Fun Cave?"
"WE WEREN'T INVITED!!" They both yelled, bawling. "We were this close... this close!!"
"There, there, ladies, chin up," Tuxley said. "I'm sure there'll be many more opportunities for you to... get your groove on, as they say. Plenty of fish in the sea," he patted them both on the back with the back of his gentlemanly-gloved claws.
Fuse looked up at him. "Are you single?"
Tuxley removed his claw. He forced a smile and said, "I believe they might need some time to adjust. Reginald?"
"Sir?"
"Disinfectant, please." Tuxley outstretched his claws and the crystal pony complied by spraying them and wiping them off. His gloves sparkled even in the darkness of dusk.
The door to the Fun Cave burst open. "That was a great game of uh... Twister we just played, wasn't it, Chrys?"
The changeling queen slunk out of the pillow, mane bedraggled but smiling. "Yes... Twister. We should invite Twilight and Phoenix next time."
Fluffle Puff rolled out of the cave in a maid's outfit. "Thpppth." I am the maid... of Twister.
"Yeah, something like that." Dan adjusted his shirt- the JERK label looked really satisfied for a brief second. He sniffed sharply and wiped his nose on his sleeve, afterward belching randomly and scratching above his ass.
"He's loud, he's obnoxious, he's disgusting, he scratches himself... what does she see in him?" Spike asked, dumbfounded.
Twilight shrugged. "It must be love."
"Or indigestion," Spike added. The small dragon was the most romantically-minded of them and he was difficult at hiding his envy. But he wasn't really envious of Dan and Chrys; their affection was a constant reminder to him that Rarity wasn't safe. The thought of her being in Vice Grip's clutches caused him a great deal of anguish. His claws balled up every time he thought of her, and in that way, he and Dan had something in common.
Dan walked over to the others. "Alright gang, we have momentum. We're on enemy territory and the time is now to strike at the heart of the Zebra Kingdom and takeover this nation for Equestria!"
"What?" Twilight asked, appalled. "Dan, we're not conquerers!"
Phoenix tried to assist by saying, "Yeah, Dan, we only really came here to-"
"Of course we are!"
"OBJECTION!"
"Dammit Nicky, you got some pipes on ya," Dan remarked, rubbing his ears.
"I'm sorry, but Dan, we can't conquer the zebras just because we beat Zen Zeal. We're not evil, we're not an invasion force, we're a defense force."
"Yeah," Gust hovered up to them, "I mean, we could probably steal a lot by invading Zebrapolis, what with it being a city of gold and all. But it would probably be a lot of work, getting through their home guards to get all of those jewels and gold and valuable artwork, architecture, pottery..." the griffon began to salivate. "Why am I opposed to this? Okay, now I'm with Dan on this one. Raiding party! Who wants to steal a capital?"
"Shut up, nuggets."
"Mmmm... gold nuggets."
"I'm going to draw up some plans for invading the capital of the Zebra Kingdom!" Dan declared. "I just beat the bad guy, I'm the hero, I say we're going to finish the job. It'll be a lot safer when we steal- I mean, secure everything they own. Especially the gold. Mmmm... gold nuggets."
Phoenix rubbed his chin. "Anyone else notice an uncomfortable similarity?"
Spike rubbed his own chin. "Yeah, unfortunately."
Twilight raised her hoof. "But Dan-"
"Twilight, this is for the best. You'll see," Dan reassured her.
Tuxley raised his claw. "Master Dan, really I must-"
"It's gonna be alright, Jurassic gent. On with the show!" Dan marched off, eager to discuss things with his army. They gathered around him, pegasi, griffons, buffalo, cowponies, all were eager even if many were wary.
"Well, this might be a problem," Tuxley said.
Chrys noticed the others and turned to Dan. "I got it." She flew over to him, grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him close. They watched as he was delighted to see her and she leaned in to whisper in his ear. Dan's expression changed from delight, to confusion, to disappointment and finally rage. Shaking with anger, he stomped back over to Twilight and the others.
"Back to Ponyville. We're going back home, everypony, right now! I HATE THIS PLACE, LEAVE THE ZEBRAS WHERE THEY LIE! I HOPE THEY BURN IT TO THE GROUND!!" Dan yelled. He stormed off towards the carriers.
The other ponies and beings did as Dan instructed, packing up their things and filing into the ships. The zebras were freed, many of which were thankful and a bit confused as to why they'd been tied up. Chrys walked over to Twilight and the others. "Hey guys."
"What... what did you tell him?" Twilight asked.
Chrys shrugged. "I told him that the zebra capital place was built in the mouth of a dormant volcano that would erupt and destroy the gold if he tried to remove any."
"Wow..." Phoenix said. "That's actually- wait, was any of that true?"
"Sure it is," Chrys said, smiling. "According to legend." They were among the last to board Gust's carriers. When they took off again, they left the Zebra Kingdom and its legends behind them. Wedge and Zecora joined the others in looking towards their future.
"He's been building all these crazy machines right under our noses the whole time!"
"The Gear Factory... we've finally found it."
But they find they're only scratching the surface of the problem...
"Vice Grip continues to build his army underground. A preemptive strike has a zero-point-zero-zero-zero-zero five percent chance of success."
"I heard chance of success! We're doing this!"
"And how exactly are we going to get to the factory?"
"We dig!"
Deeper conflicts...
"I don't care who she's related to, I'm going to kill her!"
"She's just a child."
"Age-magic her to 18 and I'll kill her as an adult!"
Deeper emotions...
"Blah blah blah daddy issues blah blah blah!"
And Dan buys a sword...
"I'd like to buy a sword with a gun in it."
"We have concerns..."
"And the gun in the sword shoots... smaller swords."
"Not deep concerns..."
"And the smaller swords explode."
"But concerns."
"...into smaller swords."
Episode 16- Journey to the Center of Douchebagcentral- Dan Vs. The Magic Gear Factory! Dan goes GEARS-deep next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"Can I see your sword, Dan?"
"Only if you show me your axe."
Deeply on FIMFiction.net.
Episode 16: Journey to the Center of Douchebagcentral- Dan Vs. The Gear Factory
In the fan fiction world, readers are entertained by two separate yet equally important types of stories. Shipfics, which involve making your two favorite characters gay or inserting yourself so you can screw the protagonist(which is arguably gayer) and crossovers, which rely on crude fourth-wall humor and dated references to things no one gets like the intro to Law & Order. This story is the latter.
DAN VS. THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP
*dun dun*
Golden Oakes Library Saturday, April 29
Dan stormed into the living room. "Alright, who took the last Klondike Bar? Because I'm about to show you all what I'd do for one," he said, brandishing an axe.
DAN VS. THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP
Starring Curtis Armstrong
Also starring Tara Strong
Kathleen Barr
With Fluffle Puff
Phoenix Wright
Gust Grasp
And Gary Busey
DAN VS. THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP
Ponyville had never looked more beautiful to Dan and the others as it came into view. Despite everything that happened, the quaint little peaceful town of ponies still looked just as Dan had seen it the first time. Cloudsdale hovered high above it, almost resembling a hat for the mountains in the distance. And underneath that cloudy hat, nestled on the mountainside of one of Equestria's largest mountains was Canterlot, gleaming like a jewel in the distance. All three cities at the heart of Equestria, happy and safe. It was good to see.
"I will never take this place for granted again," Dan happily declared.
"You say that, and then something happens in five minutes that pisses you off. Then, you want to burn the place down," Spike reminded him.
Phoenix patted the dragon on the shoulder. "Let him have this moment, Spike." (More importantly, let us have this moment, too.)
"It seems like every time I leave, I'm a little happier to return," Twilight said.
Chrys, however, wasn't looking at Ponyville, but rather Dan eclipsing it with his proud visage. She didn't see beyond the town, she only saw him. "Wherever Dan is is home," she said, musing. "As long as we're together, it's home."
Twilight smiled. "I feel the same way."
"Thrrpp thrrrppbtth phrrrrrbbbth phrrrrb." With the Mobile Fun Cave, anywhere can be home for twenty minutes to an hour.
"Ah, this is how it's going to be from now on. Going out to save the world, coming home as heroes, everypony in town throwing flowers and bits wherever we walk while they play We Are The Champions. It's about time to get the good times finally rolling!" Dan shouted ecstatically. He was practically posing for his statue.
Not to dampen his enthusiasm, Twilight put her hoof on his elbow and lowered his arms gently. "I'll be happy for a job well done and to hear everypony is safe."
"Of course, of course," Dan said. "You know, I am allowed to modify any standing structure related to holidays. And I think it's about time I had my own- Dan Day. We can call it D-Day for short," he said proudly.
"There already is a D-Day," Phoenix reminded him.
Dan grinned. "But not on Equestria, Nicky."
"What was that about letting him have the moment?" Spike asked.
"That was letting him have a moment- not a whole day," Phoenix countered. (Although, Ace Attorney Day does have a nice ring to it.)
"Yes, I can see it now!" Dan spun around. On the deck of the griffon carrier, all his friends were assembled just behind them. "Who wants to celebrate D-Day?"
Tuxley raised his claw. "Um... I don't know what to say?"
"Does seem to be a bit of a pickle, sir."
"Reginald, do we celebrate D-Day as Dan's victory over the zebras or the allied invasion of Normandy? What if we don't celebrate one by mistake? WHAT DOES THAT MAKE US, REGINALD?!"
Reginald tapped his chin. "I believe you're still an upstanding dinosaur and I, your humble servant, as always."
Tuxley was touched by his words. "Quite right."
"D-Day sounds fun. CAN THERE BE EXPLOSIVES ON D-DAY?!?!" the Blasties exclaimed.
(Those two concern me more and more all the time.)
"Why are you all just standing there? What's going on?" Dan asked.
Zecora stepped forward. "As we return home, I am happy to see things in Ponyville are still good. Everything here is still as it should."
Twilight stepped forward, somewhat shyly. "You're probably going to want to be getting home now, aren't you?"
Chrys sighed. "Yep, the big goodbye. Saw this coming."
Gust flew up to Dan and the others. He was flanked by Daring, Derpy, Rainbow, Fluttershy and Edge. "Yeeeeaaaaahhh... guys, anyway, I actually just got a call from the wife. They were actually supposed to meet up with us for the battle against Zen Zeal. But we lost contact with them."
Dan nodded, knowingly. "You have to go help your wife. We understand, nuggets. She's in trouble and you have to go rescue her with your cool ships. We'll get by."
Gust's beak worked for a moment. "Uh, yeah, actually, I had that thought too... at first. I know I kind of seem like the dashing pirate who can face any danger."
"I thought you seem like an idiot."
"But I'm really more of the stool pigeon you interrogated when we first met," Gust admitted, grinning sheepishly. "I mean yeah, she's my waifu and she kind of invited my daughter along for the ride..."
Chrys shook her head in disbelief. "Your wife AND your daughter are missing and you're NOT going to try and save them? Wow, you really are a scumbag pirate." She high-hoofed Dan, who was a belligerent loudmouth but was also pretty chivalrous. Chivalry was dead for a while but he brought it back with a Max Revive.
"Hey! She left Verticia with a ship the size of CANTERLOT. The All The Way, Baby's the biggest airship in the world and THAT went missing. If I go out there with my three carriers, that only means there will probably be FOUR airships missing," Gust said. "I know it's my wife AND my daughter, pretty much my only family in the world... but you guys have lost ponies close to you, too. You lost your friends and your princesses. We need to work together to get all our friends back, not split up right now."
They were all quiet for a moment. Dan gestured at him. "This bucket of chicken is right! Vice Grip is trying to divide and conquer us, split us up and take us down one at a time! If we split up now, we practically hand him our allies and our best stuff! Screw that, we're sticking together!"
"Yeah!"
"It really is for the best."
"Agreed, sir."
"Yay Team Dan!" the Blasties cheered. The explodey ponies zipped up and hugged him.
Twilight and the others joined them. "This is a war of shadows and light. The best thing we can do is stick together, work as one."
"If you are a mare, please step away from the Dan," Chrys announced. "Except Fluffle Puff."
"We're gonna dock these ships with Cloudsdale to combine all the pegasi and griffons together. This will DOUBLE Equestria's control on the skies!" Rainbow Dash announced.
"I'm going to need to stop at my house to pick up a few of my pets," Fluttershy said. "If we're sticking together, that means it should be all the animals, too."
Dan nodded. "This is Equestria versus Vice Grip. We need every advantage we can get."
"If that is the case, I might be able to provide the next opportunity for attack," Knight said, stepping forward. "It would be advisable to keep Vice Grip on the defensive at this time. I am compiling a list of attack vectors which should weaken his ability to strike at Equestria."
"Great job, robocop. Alright, once we dock with Ponyville, I want everyone to rendezvous at the library for the next phase of attack. I'm going to talk to the Mayor and work on shoring up our defenses for the whole town while Knight works on our next battle plan."
"Good idea," Phoenix said. "We should spread the word that we all need to stick together. Make sure our supply lines to Appleloosa, Fort Jerk and the Crystal Empire remain intact."
"Exactly, Nicky, exactly. We get to work the moment we land, people! We're going to build a wall, dig a moat and put up a fence all around Ponyville, Canterlot, every city we have," Dan said.
"Umm, that might be a problem with Cloudsdale," Rainbow commented.
"I don't see how we're going to be able to dig a moat around Cloudsdale at this time, Dan," Daring added.
But Dan just shook his head. "No excuses, ladies. We get docked, you start digging a moat the moment we get off this boat."
The pegasi exchanged glances. "Aye aye, D-Boss."
"It's Dan, just DAN!"
"Okay, Just Dan!" Derpy said.
"Rrrrggh..."
The carriers docked with Cloudsdale shortly afterward. True to their word, the pegasi indeed did build a moat around Cloudsdale- out of rainbows. Rainbow walls, fences and other fortifications twisted all around the cloudy city making it look like it was wrapped in candy. Fluffle Puff could not resist but dance on them again while Phoenix played a ukulele. Afterward, Dan and the non-winged members of the gang flew down on Flutterbirds to Equestria's surface, landing in front of the Golden Oakes Library.
"Ahhh. I will never take this place for granted again," Dan said, beaming in front of the library.
"I have to admit, the ion cannon really does bring the whole place together," Spike said.
"Eeeyep. Hey Dan, look! It's the mayor," Chrys said, turning him around.
"Mayor! Coming here to welcome your heroes?"
But Mayor Mare was not happy to see them. In fact, she was pissed off. "Do you IDIOTS have any idea what you've done?!!"
"Oh, crap," Phoenix face-palmed. Twilight did the same, followed by several of the others.
"Oh, dash it all," Tuxley said, unable to curse and so covered his head with his hat.
"What's the problem, Mayor?" Twilight asked.
"Blueblood didn't take over again, did he?" Dan asked, looking around.
"No, I'm afraid it's something far WORSE than that," Mayor Mare said, stomping towards them. She prodded Dan in the chest. "You left us behind. You abandoned us!"
Twilight got in between them, shaking her head. "No, we didn't! We left my brother and Princess Cadence in charge!"
"Oh yes, THAT was helpful," the mayor said sarcastically. "Those two dorks have been giggling over that Star Trek ship that crashed in the woods a month ago and they haven't helped us with anything! We've been princess-less!"
"Princess-less?" Twilight asked.
"Princess-less?" Dan asked.
"PRINCESS-LESS?" they all repeated.
"Mayor, I thought you and my brother and Cadence would be all the responsibility Equestria needed, for now," Twilight said. "It shouldn't matter that you're not a princess."
"That's not the point!" the mayor exclaimed. "We're SUPPOSED to have a princess on the throne! We're a kingdom, PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle and we require an active monarch to be a role-model for us, somepony to look up to!"
Tuxley took off his monocle and wiped it. "My dear Mayor Mare, you appear to be behaving most irrationally. I do believe you could benefit from some good tea. Reginald?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Prepare the tea, please. And a cup for the mayor."
"Very good, sir."
The Mayor adjusted her glasses. "Perhaps I am overreacting a bit. But your actions have been very irresponsible."
Dan stared at her blankly. "Sure. Irresponsible. Sure. When a bloodthirsty horde of alien fascists shows up on your doorstep, we can just sit here and complain about how there's not a princess to lead us into battle next ti-OH WAIT! EXCEPT THERE WAS A PRINCESS TO LEAD US INTO BATTLE!" Dan yelled, pointing at Twilight with BOTH hands. "Look at it! LOOK AT MY LEADER DOING SOMETHING FOR YOU SCHMUCKS! AND I DON'T VOTE FOR SHIT!" All this happened while Twilight smiled adorkably as Dan fawned over her.
"I'm still a queen! I think..." Chrys added. "And I fought, too! We fought the queen of the hippies and kicked her butt! So... yeah!"
Gust nudged Dan. "I robbed her."
"Is that her purse?"
"Yeah."
"Can I see it?"
"Sure," he handed Dan Mayor Mare's Mayoral purse of pursiness and Dan beat Gust over the head with it.
"Your purse, Mayor," Dan said, handing it back to her. "See? I'm responsible. I just KO'd a pirate and returned your stolen purse. Thank you, chicken."
"Daaaaaaonn't mention it," Gust said, dazed.
"We gave everypony bombs," Blast Fuse said.
"We gave EVERYPONY FREE BOMBS," Blast Powder added.
"Before we left. We gave everypony a bomb. That should have helped keep the town safe."
"There's no way that could have possibly gone wrong."
"Yeah! I mean, who would mess with a town where everyone has a bomb?"
"That would definitely prevent me from robbing them," Gust said.
But the Mayor was having none of it. "Look, we've had problems since you left. We've had-"
"Well, don't worry about it, Mayor. Also, people reading this, if you're reading Mayor Mare as the Mayor from Townsville, that means you get the reference. Love you guys!" Dan said, putting his arm around the Mayor and holding her uncomfortably. "You know, we really should get you one of those tiny hats and a monocle. But anyway, you don't have to worry about a thing, Mayor. Because now, we are never leaving again ever."
"Why was that last part in bold?"
"Just to make you really, really comfortable."
"Stop that."
"Fine. So, what's the problem?"
She sighed. "Apple Bloom and her friends have gone missing. And they've gone to go fight Vice Grip."
"Yeah, crap, now thanks to you, the three of them think they can take down a war criminal. What are you going to do about it?" Mayor Mare asked.
And Dan slapped her shoulder. "Gonna wish you the best of luck there, Mayor. Alright, I want a moat dug around Ponyville filled with green lava and-"
"That's not going to work, Dan."
He pointed upward. "Yeah, that's what the pegasi said about building a moat, wall and electric fence around Cloudsdale. Look at it now." And the Mayor did look up, they all did. Cloudsdale itself was the same since its reconstruction and looked pretty much identical to what it had been before the Enclave had destroyed it. Now, a rainbow moat, rainbow barriers and clouds connected by electricity encircled it. Although clearly upgraded, it still looked like Cloudsdale, just with a few enhancements that even Mayor Mare admitted appeared natural.
The mayor only became more frustrated. "I'm not saying it can't be- look, we have parents all throughout Ponyville! This is bigger than you, bigger than me, it's even bigger than the CMC." That actually got Dan's attention. He and the others did not interrupt; they waited for her to continue, listening. "We have to send the right message. It's only been a day since they went missing. If we hurry, we can still find them."
Dan smiled. "And of course, when you say "we," you really mean "me." COME ON!!" he yelled. "We just had a moment about staying together as a group!"
Chrys, transformed into Dan, patted her boyfriend on the back. The lower back. "Of course we did, babe. But sers, we need you to do this."
"Did you just say 'sers?'
She nodded.
"But-but-but... WHYYYYY??!" he pulled Gust Grasp in from just out-of-frame into the frame. "Turkey sub just went into detail about how he's abandoning his wife and daughter! Doesn't that mean anything?"
"Actually, she's not my only-AAAH!" Dan casually pushed him down.
"Seriously, guys, we have to plan something! We can't just shout ATTACK! and then go off and attack!"
Phoenix stepped forward. "I know this isn't our usual strategy, but we do have an opportunity to get Apple Bloom and her friends back before they get hurt. Gale, Gilda and our other friends have been missing for a while. We still have a chance to get the CMC back and they're just fillies. I think we should do this."
Dan frowned at the taller human. "Oh, so NOW you're okay with recklessly charging into danger. And the rest of you guys are okay with this?"
"YES!!"
"So I pretty much have to go do this now?"
"YES!!"
"Grrrrggh, fine," Dan growled. "Nicky, c'mon. The rest of you, stay here in case I need to kill someone."
Tuxley looked around. "Master Dan? You do mean that in the event you need to kill someone else... not one of us, correct?"
Without answering, Dan turned around and walked away. Phoenix offered a shrug and followed.
"Why do I never feel entirely safe with him?"
Spike chuckled. "I think there'd be a problem if you did, Tuxley."
Dan walked back up to Twilight and the Mayor. "Okay, so where were they last seen?"
"How do know they went to fight Vice Grip?" Phoenix asked.
"We're pretty sure they are," the Mayor said. She took out a rolled up piece of paper and unfurled it. "They drew this in Miss Cherilee's class two days ago."
The humans examined it. The paper was a drawing that was apparently made over the trace of a railway map of Equestria. Various points and places were marked off on it, along with what looked to be parts of a machine. Most of them were crossed off, except for a point to the north near Canterlot, one of the railroads that was recently liberated when Dan defeated Zen Zeal. In the top-right hand corner of the paper was a crude drawing of a butterfly vaporizing a Star Destroyer.
"It looks like... they're trying to build something?" Phoenix guessed. "These look like parts. Here- there's a list," he pointed.
But Dan was fixated on the top-right hand corner. "Wait a minute... I've seen this before," he pointed to the butterfly. "This. And that Star Destroyer drawing, that was from my schematic for when I remodeled the treehouse."
Twilight peaked over their shoulders. "It looks like something Pinkie would draw."
Dan nodded. "I think she did draw this."
"Right, her drawing for the YESSSSS-cake on the train," Twilight said.
"The train!" Dan exclaimed. "The butterfly thing! That was on the train- remember?" He rubbed his chin stubble. "Bloomers, Belle and Scooter must be trying to rebuild it. It looks like they were moving it around, fixing it."
"They've been drawing things like that since you left," Mayor Mare explained. "They're planning on attacking Vice Grip for taking Twilight's friends."
Dan's eyes nearly watered. "Those little scamp-champs... they're following in MY footsteps! This is exactly what I would do!"
"Well, uh... you know what? Sure, we'll go with that," Phoenix said. (We'll go with whatever works at this point.)
Dan stabbed at the map with his finger. "Here! The tunnel near Canterlot, that's where they're going next!"
The Mayor nodded. "That's the conclusion we came to as well, but-"
"KNIGHT!! CHRYS!! FRONT AND CENTER!" Dan yelled. The two appeared; Knight landed from above and Chrys hopped down off her back, still transformed into Dan. "Alright, me and Nicky are going to rush towards the train tunnel on the map. Knight, you will be coming with us as transportation and giant robot."
Knight bowed in confirmation. "Affirmative. This is the role I was constructed for. Literally."
"Twilight, I want the rest of you guys to stay here in the library."
"Right," she nodded. "You can use the headset to keep in contact with us. We'll try to monitor your progress from the ion cannon's scanners."
"Exactly. I also want you to start building up our defenses here with everypony else while I'm gone, Run them through the usual drills. And the unusual drills."
"The ones with actual drills?"
"Those ones," Dan turned to Chrys. "Babe, between me being me and you being me and the ion cannon and giant robot, we should be safe splitting the group up for now, at least."
Chrys gingerly rubbed her Dan-hands together. "Um... when you're done... Fun Cave?"
Dan grinned and with a twinkle in his eye said, "Fun Cave." He patted himself on the head.
"I'm going to stay like this next time," Chrys whispered to herself.
With Phoenix in tow, Dan climbed aboard Knight and the top part of her head flipped open.
"Bomb ponies! What are you doing in my mech?!"
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder looked over their shoulders. "Playin' Bomberman: Jetters."
"You need something?"
"Something that goes boom?"
"No," Dan answered. "Come to think of it though, you both might be useful. Can you still do that nuclear cannonball thing?"
The two sisters looked at each other, then back at Dan and Phoenix, then back at each other again. They whispered for a few moments. "Sure we can."
"On one condition."
"Technically, two."
"Technically two."
"And those are?" Dan asked.
They both smiled. "We get to go in the Fun Cave with you next time."
"And Phoenix joins in."
The lawyer swallowed. "OBJECTION!!"
"Nope," Dan said. "Deal."
"What?!" Phoenix yelped. His psyche-gauge took a hit.
"Alright, move over you two! I'm driving!" Dan said, climbing in. Reluctantly, Phoenix followed him. "Alright! Faster we get this done, faster we finish converting Ponyville into a fortress. Save the fillies, get back home. We all got that?"
"We got it!" the other three answered. (Whether we want it or not.) Knight leapt into the air, came down on one of Ponyville's streets and began a gallop through town.
There's not a pony in Equestria today that remembers the King and Queen. Even Celestia and Luna, their own daughters, do not recall their own parents. Queen Chrysalis and her changelings did not rise until long after their sudden disappearance, though even she has heard tales of their power. They were beloved as the guardians of Equestria, the bringers of the First Harmony during the Age of Unity and they ruled and cared for their subjects for generations. They also left behind the only home and the only family they knew, abandoning them.
But not forever.
In a time long past, the King and Queen did sit the throne in the Kingdom Before Kingdoms, the Enchanted Valley where all creatures great and small did live in peace. It was a time not without problems or strife, which the King and Queen themselves did right. Ever watchful, it was their duty as ordained by the Creator(Fausticorn) to maintain harmony across the world. They wielded power unparalleled, authority unquestioned and ruled undisputed for their long reign over Equestria. They knew they were bound to be the champions of this world, they alone to preserve peace and harmony.
But they were never told why.
Through the ages, the burning question of why would remain unanswered for the King and Queen. As the world changed, they did not. Civilization developed and grew, expanding further and further. With the rise of society came the increase in problems and threats, forcing the King and Queen to go to greater and greater lengths to protect their kingdom. They never faltered, and their subjects served them faithfully, fulfilling their own dreams and desires. The King and Queen watched over them as they struggled and strove, competed and cooperated, triumphed and failed to find their purpose, to fulfill their destiny. Their lives were fragile, but free. Something the King and Queen would never know.
But something they would always desire.
Seasons came and went. The dangers the kingdom would face grew as more would seek to conquer them, to claim power for themselves, to rule the world. This was the way things were until the day the King and Queen received something unexpected. They received the greatest gift a pair can receive in all of Equestria.
A blessing was born unto them. And she entered the world as a ray of light from the sun.
Celestia's birth gave them new purpose and new meaning. The kingdom celebrated and the subjects rejoiced. In the long history of their lives, the King and Queen had never been so happy. They couldn't imagine being happier. Until... their blessing was doubled.
After one very long day, a second daughter arrived in the night. Her eyes shone through the darkness like the moon, so did they name her Luna.
They were a royal family. More than their own happiness, the entire kingdom was blessed. Never was there a time when beings of every kind shared in the joyous love of one another, a love so strong and powerful it was said to flow throughout the kingdom like a second source of magic, an energy all its own. For the first time, the world envisioned something greater than harmony itself: they looked to the stars and saw prosperity. They were on the verge of a bright future, thus it was known as the Age of Prosperity. An endless realm of possibilities and discoveries waiting to be explored was open to them.
Unfortunately, it did not last long.
A being of immense power saw different uses for Equestria's magic. Rather than prosperity for all, he saw power for himself. Where he came from is not known, but it is said that his arrival heralded the corruption of magic and the creation of dark magic, the first real villain. The King and Queen did fight this being, who called himself Lord Tirek, many times for control of their kingdom. Tirek gained a band of followers- beasts and monsters, some of which were corrupted and others which had not been on Equestria before his arrival. At first, Tirek attacked the kingdom alone to seize the throne, but each time he was defeated, he would return and his armies and powers would grow.
When Equestria became threatened by the conflict, the King did decree that Tirek deserved punishment beyond simple exile or imprisonment. Tirek would be banished to a dimension separate from the reality of Equestria itself, a prison without walls to contain his awful might that not even he could escape from. And so, Tartarus was created for its first prisoner- Lord Tirek. His beasts would be imprisoned with him to keep Equestria safe from their terrible wrath.
But it would not remain safe.
Before Lord Tirek was banished, he left the King and Queen with a parting message. He told them that they would one day become a threat to their own kingdom, that they would one day use their powers against those they protected. He foretold that one day, they would become what they fought against and bring ruin to their subject, to the lands they guarded and the subjects that they loved and cherished. Even their own daughters. Tirek's greatest attack was not upon the kingdom itself but by planting a seed in the hearts of its rulers. The Age of Prosperity had ended, the shortest era in recorded Equestrian history.
Time passed. Celestia and Luna took long to grow up- Luna had barely learned to walk before their parents made their decision. With heavy hearts, the King and Queen bid farewell to the world they protected, the subjects they loved and everything they had ever known. They left in charge of their kingdom a wise unicorn friend named Starswirl and a pony named Discovery who would watch over their daughters until they came of age. The King and Queen promised that one day, their daughters would bring about a New Age of Harmony to Equestria and peace would reign once again. Before they departed, they used their powerful magic to decree that nopony shall be burdened with not knowing their purpose. Thus, the first cutie marks were created as a guide for ponies.
The King and Queen took to the stars to seek out their Creator and discover what their purpose was. On occasion, they did look back to Equestria, to the land and subjects they loved and were happy to see it develop. It was prophesied that one day, they would return themselves once they had the answer. They searched the galaxy, finding new planets, moons, stars and other celestial bodies amidst the vastness of space. But they found no sign of their Creator.
Ages passed. Day and night, time itself became irrelevant to the King and Queen as they searched the cosmos for the one who had created them. But they did not find them. Still, they searched, the burning question remaining inside of them, the desire driving them on, further and further from Equestria and the ponies they loved.
They searched... And searched... And searched...
Until the burning in them finally died... but the question remained. Out in the darkness of the perpetual night, far away from Equestria, the King and Queen's desire subsided into something different. Something cold and dark. For hatred flows hot and cold, and when it found the hearts of the King and Queen, it did take hold. It grew within them until the light and love was shut out, overwhelmed by a living nightmare that is a broken heart. It is unknown if there is any love that remains in them to this day.
They still look back to Equestria now and then. But it is now with apathy, and barely do they recognize the world that once they loved. It is another rock to them, far removed and of no interest. The kingdom they once ruled has become lost to history, a legend only surviving in books. Historians do not know the truth of the true King and Queen of Equestria, some debating on whether or not they even exist. They still watch, though. Watch... and wait. They stopped searching a long time ago.
What did they find out there? There are none today who know. One thing can be known for certain, however:
You have a decision this election day. YOUR vote matters. Your decisions, your choices will not only shape our country, but the ENTIRE WORLD. You have the power. You can make a difference.
"And if you don't vote for me, I will kill you."
Sure, you could vote for some other candidate. Someone who says they'll support your ideals, your beliefs, who will fight for your rights and advocates issues you believe in, someone who says they care about you, your community and the whole freaking county, but why vote for them when you can vote for an angry guy who yells a lot?
"I once yelled at a STOP sign for so long it turned green and said GO."
There's no certainty that you can trust any candidate. But you can be certain Dan is a candidate you CAN'T trust.
"Other candidates won't tell you they're lying. But not me. I like you. That's a lie, right there. I don't even know you. If I did know you, I'd probably hate you. I don't know you, but I'm pretty sure I hate your face. See? I tell you when I lie to you, and I'm more honest than every other politician because of it. That's also a lie, so you know you can trust me."
A candidate who will put your interests first. As long as your interests are his interests.
"Do you hate Vice Grip? Do you want to punch him in his smug, prick, face? As your president/prime minister/emperor, I will devote eleven-hundred percent of our nation's GDP to fighting Vice Grip. I will raise taxes, I will raise interest rates, I will raise armies from drafted civilians and conscripted immigrants if and when I have to. I will also cut funding to things other people think are necessary like NASA, welfare and Congress. There is nothing and no one I will not sacrifice to bring him to justice." *applause*
Never before has a politician promised to you what Dan is offering. The other candidates might fight for you, but just how far are they willing to go?
"I will break the law for you. I will break into houses for you. I will break into your house and break every bone in your body if you don't vote for me."
Some candidates will say anything to get your vote. But would they really?
"Did you hate Brexit? I'll make it like Brexit never happened. Did you love Brexit? I'll make Brexit 2: The Revenge(Tesco will probably be fine either way.)" "Do you love Donald Trump? I'll have him build you your own wall! EVERYONE GETS A WALL!(may or may not be paid by Mexico) "Do you love Hillary Clinton? I'll have her give you your own... umm... what was she doing again? Stronger together! Yeah, that! You can have that." "Do you love Bernie Sanders? I'll make him your own slave! How's that for socialism?" "Do you love Ted Cruz? I will hire a therapist to treat you for... whatever it is that's wrong with you. Seriously, get help." "And finally, did you hate all four of these guys? I will launch them into space where they will never be seen or heard from again. You're welcome, Great Britain."
And you'll absolutely love his running mate.
"Hey, uh, I'm Phoenix, Phoenix Wright. And I'm pretty sure this is illegal. Really, really illegal. Please help me."
Vote for the candidate that stands for patriotism.
"Get off my lawn, asshole!"
That stands for integrity.
"She tripped on her face. That is my position. Nicky will back me up."
"I don't know him, I'm not with him."
That stands for rationality.
"I WILL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!"
A candidate who can.
"That's it! We're burning down Ponyville and starting over. Whole town is tainted."
A Dandidate who Dan.
"THE DOOR SAYS "MUST REMAIN CLOSED AT ALL TIMES!" THAT'S NOT MY FAULT, THAT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!"
So this election, vote for the only candidate willing to do what's necessary. The only candidate that's willing to do what's unnecessary. The only candidate that is unnecessary. Necessarily.
"I hate it here and I hate every last one of you. So... yeah, there's that."
* DAN * * WRIGHT * * 2020 * ~Vote for me... or I'll kill you~
Dan drove Knight down the streets of Ponyville like she was his own private AT-AT. Which, for all intents and purposes, she was. But, rather than running in terror at the massive metal mare, ponies stopped to marvel at her. More so, they cleared the way for her, standing on the edge or in doorways, pulling carts aside as she came through, many even saluted and cheered as Knight passed by. They weren't cheering just for Knight herself, however, but for who she carried.
"DAN!! WOO, IT'S THE DAN!!"
"Go Dan!"
"DAAAAAANN!!"
"Dan! Dan! Dan!"
Inside Knight's head module, Dan, Phoenix and the Blasties were able to see everything through a panoramic view from Knight's own eyes. "Wow, Dan, they seem to really be cheering you."
"Oh, you don't know that for sure," Powdy said sarcastically. "They could be cheering for some other guy named Dan. You dunno, chica, you dunno~"
Fusey frowned. "Chica? We're from Colorado. Where does 'chica' come in?"
"What does being from Colorado have to do with 'chica?'"
"That's what I'm asking YOU!"
"Culture and language have no real bearing on geographic location," Phoenix said.
"I know, but I'm asking where SHE picked it up," Powdy said, still frowning.
Fusey shrugged. "Cousin La Blasta calls me chica sometimes."
"We don't have a cousin named La Blasta. Stop making up relatives for us."
Dan growled. "I'm gonna turn the robot around if you two don't shut up! We're coming to a fun stop, anyway!"
"We're stopping?" Phoenix asked. "What for?" (Please, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DON'T LET IT BE TACOS.)
"A surprise," Dan grinned. Knight stopped. They were in the merchant district of Ponyville, the south-west portion of town near Mane Street. The massive mare then knelt down and let her occupants disembark from her noggin by way of her left ear. A small staircase deployed allowing them to easily reach the ground.
Dan hopped off first, followed by Phoenix and the twins. The lawyer noticed a signpost hanging above the shop Dan was entering: a picture of a blast furnace and an anvil. "A blacksmith shop?"
"Eeeyep."
"Okay... I think the question asks itself, but, what do we need from a blacksmith shop?" Phoenix asked, following him.
"Swords."
"Swords?"
"Swords," Dan said, approaching a group of metal weapons. The shop had an open-air entrance, same as the other thatch-roof buildings in the area. The shop's owner, a white pony with a black beard stepped up to him.
"I thought we were kind of okay with the cane and umbrella combo we had going," Phoenix said.
"Oh, we are. But I was wanting something special for this job," Dan said, browsing the inventory.
"Something I can help you gentlemen with?" the owner asked.
Dan put his hands on the counter. "I need to buy a sword."
The shopkeeper smiled. "Well, I'm sure we have something for-"
"A flaming sword," Dan clarified. "That's burning all the time."
The keeper's smile changed. "I.. um, well I don't know if-"
"And the fire can be shot out of it like a flamethrower."
"That's not really-"
"And the flamethrower fire is also electrified. With like, lightning."
The shopkeeper frowned. "We don't sell those, sir. I'm sorry."
"Gah." Frustrated, Dan spun around and proceeded to leave. Phoenix caught up with him quickly.
"You still haven't told me why you NEED a sword. We have our own giant robot and a bunch of other weapons. Why do we need more?"
Dan pulled Phoenix's head down closer. "It's not for me, Nicky. Well, it is for me, but it's not for me."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"
Dan's expression changed to unamused. "You really want me to spell it out for you? It's for Chrys. And Twilight, and Spike and even Gust."
"Ohhhh," Phoenix nodded, understanding. "You want to equip the whole team."
He nodded. "It's the responsible thing to do."
"It's responsible to give everyone swords?"
Dan pointed over Nicky's shoulder. "Well, it's more responsible than giving everyone bombs."
"Free bombs! Get your bombs, here!"
"Make great gifts!" Blast Fuse and Blast Powder shouted, handing out free bombs from beside Knight.
"How the hell are they able to do that?" Phoenix asked.
Dan shrugged. "I think they have Bomberman powers."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "Okay, yeah, I can see that. But why are we looking for a sword now? Shouldn't we be going after the CMC?"
Dan nodded. "Yeah, but we're also heading into enemy territory. Which pretty much is all territory outside of Ponyville, Canterlot and Cloudsdale. We're in RPG-rules now where the cities are safe zones and all else is territory where monsters roam. So it pays to be prepared. With swords."
"Ah... well, okay then. That makes sense, but we still have Knight," Phoenix said.
"That we do, and I guess we better get back to her before the nitro twins accidentally make a Sword Spell or something," Dan said. The pair walked back to the mech as a line formed by the sisters. But it quickly became a crowd as Dan came closer.
"Dan!"
"Ohmaigawsh, it's really you!"
"It's Captain Dan and the Phoenix!" Ponies began swarming around the two humans. "Will you sign my bomb?!"
"Ponies, ponies, settle down, please," Dan said. "Yes, it's really me and I'm awesome. I will give you all a moment now to process how amazing I am in person and also take photos if you want, but be sure to get my good side." He posed for them and they immediately began snapping photos of him.
Behind him, Phoenix smiled. They were taking his picture, too. He couldn't help but fire off a couple iconic poses. "OBJECTION!! Oh wait, sorry. I kind of just do that instinctually when I make that pose." (The Phoenix... not a bad idea, but I still prefer just Phoenix.)
"Dan!" a random mare called out, "is it really true you beat Zen Zeal with your bare hands?"
"And how you shot down a fleet of pirate ships with a bolt of lightning?"
"And how you have your own pet dinosaur?"
Dan nodded triumphantly. "Yes, yes, it's all true. I am that great and then some. And you guys haven't even heard the half of it."
Phoenix raised his hand, not a full objection. "Actually, that's not really how it happened... and Tuxley's not a pet. Fluffle... kind of is, I guess." The crowd gasped as Phoenix informed them. Rather than embrace the realism of his clarification, it only made their eyes widen in amazement.
"See? I told you!"
"Dan's the greatest hero in Equestria!"
"Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!" They began chanting, so loudly it began to draw others. Phoenix picked up Dan, waved to the crowd and climbed back in Knight.
Dan got back behind the controls and headed out for the edge of town. He sank into the chair, a content expression on his face. "Ah, the people love me. It's a good feeling being a superhero."
"I... so anyway, we're heading back towards the mountains?" Phoenix asked.
Dan nodded. "Yep. Back when we took Ozzy's crazy train to Canterlot for the anniversary. Boy, that seems like a lifetime ago."
"I know what you mean," Phoenix remarked. Knight continued marching. Ponies throughout town continued cheering, a few of them even used their bombs as fireworks as they exited the town and entered the now-dangerous outskirts.
They stayed close to the train tracks as they headed out of town. Knight rolled on a quartet of oversized roller skates, allowing them to make quick progress through the now-unknown Equestrian wilds. So, Knight can launch nukes, do giant robot karate(possibly the most lethal of all karates), deploy cannons, missiles, mines, EMP, has lasers, can use shields AND she comes with her own accessories. And it's a giant metal robot pony. This would make the most awesome toy ever made, essentially and both boys AND girls would pay through the nose to get one. Is this marketable enough yet, Hasbro?!
The narrator's goals aside, they were making good time to their destination- the train tunnel that collapsed in Episode 4.
They passed a train traveling to Ponyville on the way coming from Manehattan. The city was beginning to rebuild with the help of the zebras. As part of the new peace agreement, Zen Zeal and his forces were ordered to aid in the reconstruction under the supervision of the new mayor, Plum Plenty. The ponies on the train waved at Knight as she rolled by, knowing that Dan was onboard. News traveled fast when it involved people working to literally save the kingdom.
"At least the railroads are working again. No need for any more supply convoys," Blast Fuse commented.
"Eeyep. And with Cloudsdale back and the griffons working for us, we've got control of the skies," Dan said, pretty satisfied with himself.
Phoenix leaned forward in the copilot's seat behind Knight's left eye. "This never was a war about controlling territory. Land, sea, air- it doesn't matter who has what. This is a war of shadows and light... and we are marching into the shadows."
Dan grinned, "Which is why we're marching with a five-hundred ton flashlight."
"Six-hundred tons," Knight corrected. "And Phoenix's metaphoric analysis is accurate, as was yours. Vice Grip operates within the realm of the unknown. An optimal solution is to make the unknown known, to chase away the "darkness" with the "light" before our bastion is consumed by the terror tactics of a war criminal."
Knight's words silenced them for a moment. "We're really going to have to work on your bedside manner," Dan said.
"Advisement for software improvement recorded."
"I think she means "noted," Blast Powder said.
As they started to ascend the mountain, Knight transitioned back to walking mode. They were now following the same train tracks they had when they'd transported Pinkie's YESSSSS to the anniversary in Canterlot. A trio of flutterbirds flew overhead as they made their ascent. Dan had ordered them repainted so they were less creepy. It wasn't too long ago, though that they had belonged to the enemy.
"This is High Marshal Aegis of Delta Flight to Magic Gear Knight- good luck down there, Captain. The hopes of the whole country are at your back."
Dan smiled and picked up the radio speaker. "Hey, thanks Al. You be careful yourself, make sure Blueblood doesn't try anything funny."
"You can be sure of that," Aegis said back. "Delta Flight out."
"Nice guy," Phoenix commented.
"Nice to know we can leave Canterlot alone without worrying of some idiot taking over," Dan added, to which Phoenix had no objection. High Marshal Aegis "Al" Ally was the highest-ranking member of the royal guard, military advisor to Princess Celestia and one of the few royal guards who had not gone with her and Luna to Saddle Arabia. As the acting commander of the guard, he supervised the defense of Canterlot and also had performed a few other operations against Vice Grip. He was one of the white royal guard ponies often seen in Celestia's throne room. His counterpart, Vice Marshal Block "Bol" Bolster was one of the gray ponies.
Both of these royal guards, along with Dan, his friends and about half a legion's worth of royal guard ponies were all that was left of Equestria's original forces, minus the scant few in the Crystal Imperial Guards. They were still very much a ragtag army, even with the extra griffons and the Enclave's repatriating. They had been forced to deal with the zebras and now they were finally getting the recuperation they desperately needed, time to regroup and coordinate a counterattack. This excursion to retrieve the CMC was a risk, albeit a necessary one, that made them vulnerable. Hopefully, they could make it back to the safety of Ponyville with Apple Bloom and the others soon.
Knight lowered herself down to enter a train tunnel. Dan recalled having to remind Twilight that she could teleport while they were on the outside of the train. He smiled, thinking of it as a happier moment even though they were safer now than they had been. It was a bit odd feeling less-safe while in a giant robot, but that was the nature of war, including wars of shadow and light.
Speaking of Shadow, he was on the train coming down the tunnel. Right at them.
"HO SHIT!"
Knight Inspector Gadgeted her legs inside the train tunnel to let the train pass underneath them.
"We're not taking the tunnel on the way back," Dan said, panting.
"Good... good idea," Phoenix added, also panting.
"Do it again! Do it again!" the Blasties chanted. They were having a good time, unlike their human friends.
"The next train that comes through directly at us, we're blowing up," Dan growled.
"That is not advisable. My programming prohibits me from attacking friendlies."
"I'm guessing the hippies were an exception?" Dan asked.
Knight answered without hesitation. "Yes."
"The end of the tunnel's ahead and the end of the line after that," Phoenix said, noting their position on the controls at his station. "I'm surprised the CMC made it this far on their own. They're quite resourceful, but this is incredibly bold for a trio of fillies."
"Ahhh, that's nothing," Blast Fuse batted the notion away. "Back when me and Fusey were filled, we'd already fought in two wars over breakfast."
Dan looked back over his shoulder at them. "You fought in two wars before breakfast?"
"OVER breakfast," Fusey said.
Powdy nodded. "The Breakfast Wars. Not to be confused with the Breakfast Club. They were a series of battles between dragon clans over the best breakfast foods."
"Pancake versus waffle was a huuuuge one," Fusey explained. "So much syrup and butter... the carnage was unbelievable."
"They say there are dishes with syrup still stuck on them to this day."
"Mostly at Denny's."
"But not the good Denny's."
Phoenix shook his head. (The only thing that's unbelievable is their story!) "You fought... dragons?! Over breakfast?!"
The two sisters nodded. "We were with the 420th Tactical Air Sausage Cavalry. It was a volunteer unit- we actually only joined the war for... breakfast."
Dan nodded, still watching the road. "Alright, I think it's time to ask the question the readers want to know."
"Are we gonna continue with the plot any time soon?"
"Ha. I meant, who won? Pancakes or waffles?"
"Pancakes," the sisters answered simultaneously.
"What?!" Dan and Phoenix both spun around.
"Pancakes won the breakfast wars, actually," Powdy said. "Even with help from the French Toast at the last second, pancakes still beat the waffles."
"How?" Knight asked.
Fusey shrugged. "Even though waffles are more organized with their little compartment imprints on both sides, pancakes were easier to make. Waffles require a waffle iron while pancakes just require the batter and a hot skillet. Flip once and done."
"Wow..." Dan said, now his turn for disbelief. "I was actually expecting you guys to say it was a tie or something. I mean, you just destroyed a lot of headcanons about... breakfast."
"Waffle fans will not be happy," Phoenix added. (I'm more of a breakfast sandwich guy myself... when I can afford breakfast.)
"We're almost there!" Dan announced. "And thanks to you clowns, I'm hungry now, so once we find the CMC, we get breakfast!"
"It's two-thirty."
"SHUDDUP!"
Knight came up to the train tunnel where Samule L. Jackson had crashed the butterfly security weapon. The mountainside had caved-in after the locomotive exploded, burying the entrance to the final tunnel to Canterlot. Nature hadn't done much in the following months to obscure the site and the railroad engineers had ultimately decided that it was easier to make a second railroad around the mountain than try to dig out a tunnel. Pieces of the Mechbeth had been moved to the base of the mountain, still visible as refuses beside the tracks.
They approached the caved-in entrance. "No sign of the CMC yet."
"Vice Grip."
"Or Vice Grip," Dan said.
"No," Knight corrected. Her eyes magnified a section of what she was seeing; an alcove next to the tunnel. Laying on his back in the shade of the rocks was... "Vice Grip."
Dan leaned forward, eyes wide. "IT'S HIM! IT'S HIM! GET HIM, GET HIM NOW!"
"Oh, crap, how do I fire the guns on this thing?!"
"KNIGHT!!!" Dan yelled, practically standing in his seat. "TARGET VICE GRIP! DESTROY, NOW!! MISSILES, GUNS, ANYTHING!!"
"Bombs?!" the Blasties suggested.
"ANYTHING!!!!" Dan yelled.
"Unable to comply."
And those three words broke Dan. He threw his hands up and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGH!!!!!!"
"Um... why are you unable to comply, Knight?" Phoenix asked after Dan's moment.
"Target still registered as a friendly. Also, the potential for this being a trap is high. It's rating on hella-obvious on the Ackbar Trap Scale."
"Yeah, you're right," Phoenix nodded. "Dan, it could be a trap. Look at him. It's too obvious."
To his credit, Dan did cast a second glance at Vice Grip's image. He looked passed out in front of a small cave, like he was sleeping off a hangover. That was when Dan made his decision. "I'm willing to risk it. Blasties? Bombs."
The two shrugged bashfully. "Wellllll..."
Dan shook his head. "No."
"We kinda..."
"No no no."
"We kinda gave 'em all away."
"NO."
"We're out of bombs."
Steam blew out of Knight's ears, but not from the robot herself. Dan jumped out of Knight with his pain cane in hand and began a very long charge at Vice Grip, roaring a war cry the entire way.
Dan swung angrily with the cane, chopping the air, foaming at the mouth like a rabid cerberus.
"Well..." Phoenix said, watching Dan running, "at least he gets good exercise."
"Indeed." Knight began walking on her own. As Dan ran, swinging and shouting the entire way, Knight easily caught up with him. The pony mech's larger size and strides made her a bit faster than Dan at a full charge and she quickly passed him, not that he noticed. She arrived at the alcove where Vice was and sat down obediently. Phoenix and the Blasties were disembarking by the time Dan caught up to them.
"-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA-"
Phoenix stood in front of him. "Dan."
"Ha... ha... ha... hi, Nicky."
"Hi, Dan. You wanna take a break?"
Dan nodded, sweating and panting. "Yeah... break sounds great."
"Here, Dan. We packed a canteen," Powdy said, handing him a bomb-shaped canteen.
"Thanks," Dan took a swig, dosed his hair with it and then fell over, collapsing in the shade.
Phoenix stepped over his friend to the equally-incapacitated form of their foe. (Wow... these two really are a lot alike. I have to wonder if Vice ran all this way and wound up here because of exhaustion.)
"Uh... excuse me? Vice?"
"Blah! Uhh... oh," Vice muttered, starting to wake up. "The lawyer. Ah, and my prototype," he said, noticing Knight behind him. "SEE?! SOME OF MY INVENTIONS WORK!!" He yelled, sitting up.
Phoenix helped him up, noticing that his gauntlets were missing something- fingers. In fact, his right hand gauntlet had been broken off, or sliced off by something and his left hand gauntlet was missing its digits. As Phoenix continued looking over the scientist, he noticed his lab coat was tattered and the pockets had been ripped out. Finally, the metal boots he wore had been broken off so they more resembled thimbles on his hindlegs. On top of all this, Vice smelled like he'd been close to an explosion already- meaning there had either been an accident or he'd suffered a betrayal. Or, knowing him, both.
Blast Fuse was less subtle in her evaluation. "The hell happened to you?"
Vice rubbed his neck, forgetting for a moment his fingers were gone. "Ow! Oh, me? I'm fine, fine, thanks for asking. Waa-woooah!" he fell over. Without the front part of his boots, he was unable to balance himself between the heavy gloves and his hooves. "Those ungrateful buffoons! How? HOW CAN THEY VOTE ME OUT??!!" Vice raged.
"They voted you out???" Dan asked, picking his head up. "Ha! HAHAHAHA! Your own evil organization votes YOU out! HAHAHAHAHAHA, THAT'S PRICELESS!!!"
Vice fumed at Dan's gloating. "It's more complicated than that, you simpleton. More complicated than I realized, admittedly, if something like this can happen. But FIST obviously cares more about democracy if even I can get outvoted."
"What are you planning on doing now?" Phoenix asked.
Vice shrugged. "I have a genius intellect... an I.Q larger than all four of yours put together... and I'm a brilliant inventor that's smarter than everyone on two different planets," he said. "So, I might try to get a job in fast food."
"There's a combination Burger King and KFC just opened on fifth avenue," Blast Fuse said.
Vice scratched his neck again. "I guess I'll have to get my resume ready. Would you put "almost world dictator" on your application?"
"Depends on the application," Phoenix replied. "Burger King no, KFC definitely."
"Ah. Good to know."
"I wouldn't worry about your career, Vice," Dan said, raising the cane. "Hold still and I'll put you out of your misery and mine at the same time, pal."
"Dan," Phoenix stepped in front of the two. "Stop."
"Mmmmm wHHHYYYYYY?" Dan whimpered. "He has to get a fair trial, doesn't he?" Phoenix nodded. "I can't execute him right now, can I?" Phoenix shook his head. The smaller human lowered his bludgeoning weapon and retreated, grumbling. "Fine. But if you have to be his defense attorney, you better lose."
Phoenix's psyche-gauge took another hit at that very moment. (Thanks for that, Dan...) He turned around. "Vice Grip, as a member of the Sparkle Guard, I hereby place you under-"
"Ha," Vice laughed.
Dan shook his head. "No "ha." You don't get to "ha."
"Ha."
"Grrrrr..."
Vice grinned. "Despite this setback, it's cute that you think I'd come with you. Did you forget that I can teleport?"
Dan shook with rage and then admitted, "Yes."
"Well, let me remind you," Vice said, clicking a still-working button on his gauntlet. "Hahahahahaha. HAHAHAHA!" He laughed, and disappeared in a flash of light.
"Nicky? Remind me that I owe Twilight an apology when we get home."
"Noted."
Revelation: What the Director said to Lightning Claw
During the events of Episode 7 while Dan was stalking Flim and Flam Stable 5, The Director's Office
"Please, have a seat," the Director said, already seated herself. She turned off the old-school television set on her desk; Lightning had just barely been able to make out that she'd been watching a cartoon of some kind. What he hadn't known, what he couldn't have known was that the Director had been watching Sailor Moon... and she had been watching it in Japanese.
"Um... hi," Lightning said. The door closed abruptly behind him. "Is there, uh... is there something you need?"
"There's something I think you can help me with."
"I'm already doing something for Vice Grip..." he started to say. But then the chair in front of him levitated towards him... and he felt himself sitting in it. Was he still in control of himself or was the Director? The chair with him in it slid right up to her desk, ultra-close. With the position of the arms, he wasn't able to just step out of it, making him feel even more trapped.
The Director stood up, apparently wanting to stand over her captive audience. "Vice Grip means well. What he is building... or rather, what he will build, is important. It's all part of a better design, something new. And now, I want you to be a part of it. I need you to be a part of it."
"Wh-why me?"
"Because Vice trusts you," she answered, pacing. "And I need him to trust you. But more than that, I need you to trust me."
Lightning looked at his confinements. His forelegs felt like they were strapped to the chair arms, though there was nothing holding them there. "You're... you're putting me in an awkward position. You really think I'm going to trust you?"
"I know."
"No, I mean you're literally putting me in an awkward position. I can't move."
The Director smiled. "I know."
"Vice... he wants me to take care of Dan. To kill him," Lightning said, trembling slightly. "He said he's disrupting the plan."
The Director stopped and seemed to consider what he said, if only for a moment. "He isn't, but that's inconsequential. For now, I want you to carry out Vice's wishes but don't kill Dan."
"What?" he said, confused. "Look, I'm just in this because... because I want to make Equestria better. We all agree that the princesses aren't doing the best job, so why don't we try to work together?"
"Hmm... heheh. And what did Vice promise you?" the Director asked, turning to him. "Did he say you'll be the manager of a new Cloudsdale?"
Lightning gritted his teeth but didn't say anything. It was true, what she said, and Lightning had no way or intention of denying it. He had been played for a sucker.
"To be fair, he is planning on giving you Cloudsdale- after he doesn't have any use left for it," the Director said. "So, what he promised you was actually true. And he's actually planning on giving you a set of toys- remote controlled ones, to experiment with. It's more or less a token gesture to earn your trust, but it's one he's making."
And that made Lightning angry. Being used, being lied to, that was unacceptable to him. The light in the room flickered and a spark of electricity crackled from his hoof rests. "So it's a lie? He's just using me, that's what you're saying?"
The Director nodded. "Pretty much. You're not the only one, either; you're just the one he's sending out first. But I need Dan alive and I need you on my side."
"Hmmmph," he scowled. "Vice has at least done something for me. And you're asking me to... to betray him, over what? A hunch? Is that all you have to offer?" Lightning's hooves crackled with, well, lightning. The Director's magic holding him in place released and the broken-horned pony stood up. "You're a creep in a sheet. Where do you get off claiming to know more than me?"
The Director remained unfazed. "I'm a lot of things."
He kicked the desk at her, slamming it back into the wall. In an instant, the tables were turned and he had her pinned against her own bookshelf. The room seemed to shake as the desk collided with her, a globe falling to the floor and breaking. Lightning did not know, nor did he care what world the globe was depicting... but he should have.
"The strength of the Hulk and the lightning of Thor... marvelous," the Director commented.
Lightning mounted the desk and aimed a sparking hoof at her. "You... are no better than the princesses. You have power, you have knowledge... but you only ever use it to help yourself."
"Well, that's not entirely true," the Director said. And she pulled back her hood. "Because I'm trying to help you right now."
Lightning's jaw dropped like an anvil. His electricity vanished and his hooves trembled again. "But... no. This doesn't make any sense," he shook his head. "This... you can't be-"
"Things are a lot more complicated than they appear, to say the least," the Director said. Her true identity was... one Lightning had seen before. One quite a few had seen before. And one that if came to light, threatened to rock Equestria to its very core. Perhaps, more than just Equestria.
Lightning retreated back into the seat. "If you... if you really are... who you appear to be," he swallowed,"how? Why?"
The Director smiled. "How is magic. Why is... more complicated, heh," she said, chuckling again in a hoarse voice. "But I showed you... me, because I want you to trust me. Because I need you to trust me. Dan and Vice Grip are a lot alike... as are you and I."
Lightning swallowed again. "Da-gah, uuuhhhhh but um-" he stammered.
"Magic has done a lot of good for both of us, Lightning Claw," she said, sitting back down in her own seat. The items, the globe, everything Lightning's display had upheaved fixed itself exactly as it had been before. The objects didn't even glow with any visible magical aura. The Director's power, her own magic was something far deeper and darker than anything on the visible light spectrum. Something of pure corruption.
"I've summoned quite a few toys for Vice Grip- and you, if you like them. And make no mistake; I will make sure Vice Grip delivers what he promised you, not what he's planning to do. That is what I promise to you, my friend, hahahaha," she cackled. "Do my bidding. You will obey Vice Grip but your ultimate loyalty is with me. The time will come when we will... take care of him, as you said. When that time comes, I will call upon you. Serve me well and I shall reward you beyond your wildest dreams."
Lightning dared not challenge her, dared not even question her. He nodded, getting back up again, eager to be away from her... whatever she was. "I-I yes, ma'am. Should I call you-"
"The Director will suffice. It is an appropriate title. As for you, you shall speak of this to no one," she looked at him. Her eyes looked as though they could swallow souls. "Do I make myself clear?"
"Ye-yes," he nodded. "I... can I ask one thing?"
She tilted her head. "Yes?"
"I... why do you hate magic? Vice Grip told me why he does- because he doesn't think it can be controlled and it's irresponsible to use. But... what about you?" Lightning asked. "Why do you hate the princesses if you're-"
The Director turned. "Magic can do a lot of things, but in the end, it is another tool. I know you've only recently acquired magical powers of your own, but you will find there's a reason why it's studied," she said. She released a deep sigh. "Why those like... Princess Twilight Sparkle study it so fervently."
"W-why is that? If you don't mind me-"
She faced him again. "There are a lot of things magic can do but ultimately, spells are the workings of the impossible. They make the impossible possible but magic cannot make something that is unlikely assured. It's maddening little rules like these that are... responsible for my- I mean, the current situation we find ourselves in." She pulled the clock back over her head, obscuring herself once again. "You'll find out for yourself. Magic is not limitless and there are things not even magic can change."
"What can't you change?"
The door opened and Lightning was pushed out. The door closed again. As the Director found herself in darkness again, she whispered, "the past." No one was there to here her. The globe on her desk spun... and spun... and spun...
It took an hour to convince Dan to stop searching for Vice Grip. After that, he ordered Knight to destroy any partitions in the mountain and a couple other mountains in the event Vice would wind up unconscious in front of another one. Dan finally allowed Phoenix to drag him back to the original mountain and together, they resumed the search for the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
"Robocop, guard the entrance. Anyone who tries to go in or out that isn't me, kill 'em."
Knight's eyes turned red. "Affirmative."
"Uhh, except for the CMC and us, right?" Phoenix asked. But Dan was already heading into the cave with the Blasties following him. "Dan, seriously, when you don't clarify these things, it makes me concerned."
"Ahh, but Nicky, that's what I have you for," Dan replied.
"So I have to clarify that I'm on your side every time?"
Dan nodded happily. "Yep."
"I have to admit that's pretty well-thought out."
"Exactly. Now, let's make like Cool Cat and save the kids. Except instead of a horrible movie, it's literally the exact opposite of that."
"Despite its message, that movie should never see the light of day," Blast Fuse delightfully commented, following Dan and Phoenix into the cave.
"This seems awfully well-lit for a cave," Phoenix said. (No light fixtures but it doesn't seem to get any darker the further we get from the entrance. Must be a second source.)
"Nah, it's video game logic," Powdy said. "How could we fight anything if we couldn't see it?"
"Shut up!" Dan shushed. "Whoever or whatever's running Vice Grip's schemes is down here and we have the opportunity to get the drop on them. So keep it down."
"Kay."
Dan gritted his teeth. "These guys already pissed me off."
"How?" Phoenix asked.
"Two ways: one, they let that douchebag get away and two, they beat the crap out of him and sent him packing. That's MY job."
They all agreed with that. Dan and Phoenix got out their respective weapons, cane and umbrella, as they continued into the cave. Only a short distance from the entrance, they came across the entrance to something else. A giant cog-shaped doorway occupied the end of the tunnel.
"Three?" Dan asked. He looked at the door. "So this is the third one? Out of how many?"
"It's a Stable. An underground fallout shelter; like a Vault but for ponies.," Blast Fuse said. She and her sister stepped towards the entrance.
"Ahh, good ole Twilight Zone," Dan smiled softly, remembering back.
"So this is Stable Three?" Phoenix asked. "Doesn't look like it was constructed recently."
Blast Powder nodded. "The Stable Program was started a couple years ago, back when FoE first came out. It was a neat idea, but it turned out to be more expensive than anypony realized. Stable-Tec advertised these things as being exactly like the ones from the games but they didn't have any use for them. The whole company went bankrupt and Vice Grip bought it."
Blast Fuse walked up to a control panel built into the wall. "Let's see if our work ID still works in Vice's system."
"Wait, you're just going to use the keypad?" Dan asked.
They turned around. "Yeah, why?"
"Was kind of hoping you'd blow it open," Dan said, gingerly swinging his cane.
"If it's a fallout shelter, it's meant to withstand the blast from a nuclear bomb," Phoenix said, tapping the giant door with his parasol. "It'd take one heck of a bomb to get through this thing."
The two sisters exchanged a glance. "Challenge-"
"-Accepted."
Outside, Knight felt the explosion through her legs as she stood watch. "Seismic activity detected."
When the dust finally cleared inside the cave, Dan applauded them. "YES! YES! That's why we brought you two along!"
Blast Fuse bowed. Her sister had shielded them conveniently while Fusey had used a shaped charged to blow open the door. From Stable to vault, the explosive ponies had cracked it open. "Let it be known that we do requests!"
"As long as you don't cause a cave-in!" Phoenix yelled, hiding under his umbrella. "This mountain's already taken a beaten from the train and Knight pounding on it!"
"Nicky, that's a great idea!" Dan exclaimed.
"What is?"
"Causing a cave-in! We'll bring the whole mountain down on these clowns, bury Vice and his plans!" He slapped the taller human on the back. "I really love our team. Good job, Nicky."
Phoenix folded his parasol up again. "Just here for support."
Dan stormed into the entrance with the Blasties and Phoenix behind him. The interior was still intact, minus the cog-door and mechanism for it being launched to the opposite wall. Lights on the ceiling illuminated the entrance hall, which didn't appear to be abandoned. The floor was pink and the walls were white, both having seemed to have been repainted recently. They took a few cautious steps inside and Phoenix noticed the lack of dust.
"No welcoming party," Dan commented. "Either they don't use this entrance much..."
The intercom beeped above them. "Welcome to Stable Three! On behalf of Stable-Tec, we thank you for being prepared for the future!"
"Or we're expected," Phoenix finished.
"Oh, you're expected, alright!" the cheery, creepy, automated voice replied. "But why should I spoil all the fun for the four of you? Why don't you check out our facilities for yourselves! Please direct any complaints to the new manager!"
"Is that who I think it is?"
"Yeah," Dan answered, gruffly. "The creepy guy in the cloak. The Director."
"Hahaha! Well, not to disappoint you, but I'm still not the one in charge." The door at the other end of the hallway opened. Behind them, an energy shield sprung up where the cog door had been.
Dan sighed. "Just once, I'd like to BLOW UP SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T TURN OUT TO BE AN OBVIOUS TRAP IN HINDSIGHT!!"
Blast Fuse folded her hooves. "I got the door open. I'm counting that as a win."
"Please, please, ladies and gents. You're guests here. Come have a chat with the Overseer- she's excited to meet you! Heeheehee!!" The intercom crackled and went out.
"I'm scared now."
"Relax, nobody panic," Dan raised his arms. He got out his phone which he used like a communicator. "Knight? It's Dan, do you read?"
Phoenix put his hand on Dan's arm. "Evil lairs get bad reception."
"Dammit. Forgot about that," Dan said, pocketing his phone. "Okay then, everybody just... stay alert." They entered the doorway, which turned out to be an elevator. "It's gonna be fine, guys," Dan said, trying to calm down his unnerved friends. The Blasties held onto Phoenix, all three of them shaking. "Just because they got the drop on us this time doesn't mean they'll get the drop on us again. We can do this." He pressed the only lit button inside the elevator- a button marked Down.
*Ding!*
A trapdoor opened underneath them.
Dan sighed again and looked up at the camera. "I really should've seen that one coming."
"Gyaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!" They dropped. The elevator doors closed in the hallway. As they fell, they were followed by the Director's giggles over the intercom.
The elevator shaft dumped them into another hallway. Unlike the entrance hall, there were no lights overhead, making it hard to see. But not impossible to see because video game logic.
"Well, at least something's consistent," Dan said, helping Phoenix and the others up.
"I don't think we can get back up the other way."
"I'm scared. HOLD ME POWDY!"
"I'M ALREADY HOLDING PHOENIX!"
Phoenix turned around. Blast Fuse was attached to his back, shivering. "Girls, c'mon. Calm down."
"EEEEEP!"
"EEEEP!"
"EEE-EEE-EEEEP!"
"EEEEEEREEEEP!"
"What? What was that?" Phoenix asked. "Don't tell me there's an "eeeeep" language now."
"Actually, those last ones were my cell phone," Dan said."Weird. I'm getting reception again."
"We might be close to the surface!" Phoenix exclaimed.
"Yayyyyy~" the sisters rejoiced. If nothing else, that was something to hope for. Dan marshaled the group and marched forward through the darkened hallway. Past the first doorway was an intersection... and past that was another intersection. And then another one until finally, they came to an end and a T-shaped section leading right and left. All the halls looked identical and were dimly-lit, only making it creepier.
"Okay, umm..." Dan looked down both ways. "We're gonna have to pick one."
"This... we're in a maze," Phoenix said. "This is a maze."
"I don't like mazes."
"Wait!" Dan said. "He-hey! Look, I see a light!"
Down the opposite hallway was indeed a light. A pale reddish light began approaching them slowly, growing as it came closer. When it finally was close enough to make it, it was clear the light was coming from a pony's horn.
"Chrys? Chrys!!" Dan exclaimed. He bolted down the hallway towards the light. "Babe, how did you-" He stopped just short of the light.
"Hello."
"Ohh... um... hi," Dan said. "Sorry, uh... thought you were somepony I knew."
"No." The pony in question was tall, taller than Chrys by a few inches at least and bore some resemblance to her. But her eyes had a strange sharpness to them, as did her teeth which were visibly illuminated by the light from her double-helix horn.
Dan's heart began to race. "So yeah, gonna get going. You, uh, have yourself a good one," he turned.
"No."
Dan felt his hair stand on end. He backed away from the mare. Step by step, she came closer.
"N-no? I'm not sure what you-"
"You are food. Master does not feed me often. I am hungry."
Dan slowly turned back to Phoenix and the Blasties. "Run." They didn't need to be told twice. Phoenix, still carrying Blast Fuse and Blast Powder ran down one end of the corridor, Dan ran down the other.
Marksaline cocked her head in confusion and followed them. For the briefest moment, she thought she smelled her little sister on the first one.
Dan felt his heart somewhere on his back between his shoulders as he ran down the dark hall. He ran into the darkness until the dimly-lit hall was almost pitch black and the eery glow of the strange Chrys-like pony was no longer following him. He kept running- running and thinking, desperate to find any way out of the maze. But every hall and doorway looked the same.
Actually, from a top view, it resembled the classic Namco arcade game, Pac-Man. Marksaline had taken the role of Pac and was now eagerly chasing not Dan but Phoenix Wright, who was carrying the Blast sisters in his arms.
"Waka waka waka waka- Pac-Man noises- waka waka waka waka-"
"Waaaaa! Save us, Phoenix!" Fusey said, clutching and nuzzling her muzzle into the lawyer.
"WHY AM I CARRYING YOU TWO?! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?! WAIT!" Phoenix suddenly had an idea, "Unicorn one!"
"Powdy. Because I'm cute and pouty. Mnyaaaah~" she said, making a kitten noise.
"And I'm Fusey because I'm fussy. And hawwwwttt."
"GIRLS!" Phoenix yelled, "Powdy!"
"Mmmm yessssss?"
"Teleport us! AWAY! NOW! ANYWHERE!"
"Kay, hang on." Blast Powder concentrated, focused on teleporting and... her horn went thpppth. "Daah, crap. Sorry, Nixy. Anti-teleportation rules."
The lawyer was starting to get out of breath. "Okay... okay, can you guys do.. anything?"
They nodded simultaneously. "We can be adorable~"
Phoenix shook his head violently as he rounded a corner. "Girls, c'monnn! This is not the time to be adorable!"
While still clinging to him, they looked up into his eyes, unamused. "Nix-"
"Really?"
"We can't take you seriously when you say crazy stuff like that."
"Aaaah!" Phoenix cried in anguish. "Dan!" he called out, coming close to an intersection.
"What!?"
"Take one!" he said, holding out one of the sisters as he ran towards Dan.
"No thanks!" Dan said, still running at him.
"I'm sorry to do this, Dan," Phoenix said quietly. As he ran past Dan, he tossed up Blast Fuse and said, "Hot potato!"
"Dammit, Nicky!" Dan had no choice but to catch the pegasus. She landed in his arms.
"Sup."
"Grrrrr!!"
"So, is this a bad time to ask how you and Chryssie started dating? Cuz me and Powdy have a bet with Spike and Gust that it started when-"
"ARRGGARRBLARRRHAAAAARARA!"
"Okie dokie lokie pokey, sounds like a bad time. I'll ask later," Blast Fuse remarked. Dan was about to throw her off when she jumped off herself in a manner similar to which Dan would have thrown her.
And Dan was back to running. Now, he was beginning to get exhausted. The day had already had enough running in it and the healthy fear he felt combined with the healthy exercise was beginning to take its toll on his health... healthily. The maze seemed to go on forever, but in reality, he and Phoenix had crossed paths multiple times and were going in circles. Because again, Pac-Man. He turned yet another corner and began another length, the glow following him yet again.
"Hiya Dan!" a voice said as he passed.
"Apple Bloom?" he asked over his shoulder.
"Hi Dan!"
"Sweetie Belle?!"
"Hey Dan!"
"SCOOTALOO?!"
"WAIT A MINUTE!!" Dan dug his heels in and came to a screeching halt. "Okay, rewind!" He started running backwards.
"!naD yeH" "!naD iH" "!naD ayiH" "!ARARAAAAAHRRRALBRRAGGRRA" "!TIAW !?EM SYAWLA TI SI YHW !?OWT UOY GNIYRRAC I MA YHW" "-akaw akaw akaw akaw -sesion naM-caP -akaw akaw akaw akaW"
The sun set on a beautiful Ponyville day. Twilight and Spike walked back to their house and noticed how the lovely light of the sun bathed the town in a beautiful orange glow. They'd said good-bye to their friends at the-
Dan stopped. "What the hell is that?"
"That's the first part of the story!" Phoenix exclaimed. "Dan, what did you do?!"
"I ran backwards! Why the hell are we in the first episode?!"
"I don't know!" Phoenix yelled, looking around. "Look! It's Twilight and Spike! They're heading back to the house! You just rewound the whole story!!"
"Oh crap... Nicky, I'm scared now."
"Guys," Blast Fuse and Blast Powder said simultaneously, "walk forward."
"Oh," the humans said. Together, they walked back into the appropriate scene next door.
"What was that?" Phoenix asked.
"This is the Director's Maze. You guys accidentally ran backwards through the fourth wall," Blast Powder explained.
"Ahhh," Dan said, nodding. "That's retarded."
Fusey shrugged. "Pretty much."
"Wait!" Dan held up his hands, "I saw the Crusaders!"
"You did? Where?"
"I ran past them! They were-" he turned around. "Right... there..." Behind them in the hallway were the CMC... and with them was the dark mare who had been chasing them. "Ge-ge-be...aaaa..." Dan pointed.
"We know," Scootaloo said. "And if you guys would've asked more than one question, you'd know, too. She's friendly."
Dan and Phoenix exchanged dumbfounded expressions. "What?!"
"What?"
"WHAT?!"
"But she-" they stammered. "With the teeth-"
"And the You are food. creepy text voice!" Dan yelled. He and Phoenix looked at each other again.
"Explain," Phoenix requested.
"Guys," the CMC let the tall mare through, "this is Marksaline. She's our friend."
"May I eat you?"
"I don't like where this is going," Blast Fuse said.
"I got something for her to eat," Dan said, brandishing his cane.
But Apple Bloom, with her forelegs spread wide, blocked Dan's threat with a show of defense. "She means your feelings. Not your bodies."
"She uses emotional bonds to gain nutrition. Kinda like changelings," Sweetie explained, stroking her friend's legs.
"Ohhhh," the four others uttered in unison, nodding like carps.
"That makes sense," Dan commented. "We could probably switch her to regular food on the Gemmy Chrys diet."
Blast Fuse raised her hoof. "She feeds on feels?" The trio nodded. "My sister and I can donate! We have lots of feels!"
Marksaline smiled. "I can tell."
"Yayyyy~" the two sisters levitated over to the new pony. The three embraced and were wrapped in a reddish aura that the camera quickly panned away from. What followed next were slobbering and purring noises. Dan's expression was one of confusion... then horror, then approval.
Phoenix covered his eyes and approached the CMC. "So, what exactly are you three doing here? Why are you trying to fight Vice Grip?"
"Vice Grip?" Apple Bloom asked. "Who's that?"
"Seriously?" Dan asked. "How can you not know who we're fighting? The guy trying to blow up Ponyville? And the world? And MY world?! THAT guy?! VICE GRIP?!?!"
Phoenix stepped forward before Dan could get started. "If you didn't come here chasing Vice Grip... who were you trying to track down?"
The CMC exchanged glances. "The one who trapped us here."
"The two fillies who are always messing with us."
"They found a super weapon... and now, they're planning on using it."
"Hold up," Dan said. "Who, again?"
"Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara." As they said the names, the hall lights came on.
Shining Armor and Cadence were living a dream. An actual Starfleet vessel straight out of Star Trek itself. It was hard for them to blink while they were on the ship and chance missing something no other Trekkie would see. In fact, they had begun sleeping on the vessel while it was being fixed and they were starting to think about asking Dan and Twilight if they could keep it for themselves. After they used it to rescue Princess Celestia and Luna and all their friends from the moon first, that is.
"Okay... now!" Cadence said.
"Got it!"
The lights in the hall flickered on. In pairs, they began lighting up, following down the hallway.
"That did it! Come out and see!"
Shining crawled out from the access shaft. Both he and Cadence were dressed in a pair of Starfleet uniforms they lucked across. Neither of them fit in the spacey clothes meant for bipeds- they would have to have Rarity fit them. Again, once they rescued her and the others.
"Ahh, nice! Looks like this junction just got disconnected. We won't have to fix much here," Shining remarked.
Cadence nodded. "Indeed, but honestly, I think some of our repairs are so good, we'd give Starfleet itself a run for the money!"
"Haha, maybe when they come back for it, they can hire us as engineers!" They both laughed, then stopped quietly and looked at each other, locking eyes for a moment. "If they come back," Shining added.
The lights began turning red. Just as they had flickered on in pairs, now they began glowing crimson. A dull alarm blared through the hall. Some displays at different spaces in the bulkheads blared a familiar warning: (RED ALERT).
They sighed simultaneously. Shining shook his head. "Still can't figure out what's causing that."
"None of the tech crews examining it can either," Cadence commented, looking at the lights. "Something must've happened with this ship before it wound up in Equestria."
"Even with Gust and his griffons using it as a pirate ship, it doesn't seem like they could've triggered a Red Alert like this," Shining added. "Not that I don't believe Gust, just that I..."
Cadence smiled. "You don't think he knows how to control much on this ship, do you?"
"Well, not like us," Shining said. "I don't blame him, though. He's not a hardcore fan like we are, my Orion princess~" he said, grinning.
"Oh my, captain," Cadence said, giggling, "what has gotten into you? Doesn't the Federation have rules against fraternizing with a visiting diplomat?"
"Maybe we should discuss this in the captain's private quarters... again," Shining said, grinning.
"Aye aye, Captain Armor," Cadence said playfully, and the two started walking back down the crew deck again. The ponies and griffons working to repair the ship had all gone home for the evening and Cadence and Shining had the ship to themselves. They shared the captain's quarters and had most of the things collected there. Gust hadn't bothered much with the crew deck; the Federation had little use for gold or treasures so Starfleet didn't have much to steal. It was a powerful warship but the All of My Yes with its easy-access and spacious cargo holds were far more desirable for a griffon pirate.
The NCC-1864-Reliant-R was an advanced, heavily-modified and refitted Miranda-class vessel, one of the most powerful in the Federation's arsenal. Equipped with superior weapons, shields, engines, armor and a cloaking device, the ship was actually built during a difficult time in the Federation's history, one that Shining Armor and Cadence had not seen in any of the movies, shows or books. Because they weren't in them, not yet, at least.
Commanded by Captain Taldeena, a female Vulcan, Reliant-R was considered a legacy ship but one Taldeena was reluctant to accept. Reliant-R and her kin, despite her advanced weapons, were primarily science vessels. Known to only a few and unknown to Shining and Cadence and even Gust Grasp when he stole the vessel, the ship was not meant to be a warship. The Reliant-R had been armed and given additional security measures for defense.
Cadence and Shining continued giggling and playing as they walked down the hallway, all the way back to the captain's room. They levitated tricorders and communicators and posed with them more than once, even in their not-quite fitting Starfleet uniforms. They were enjoying themselves; a nerdy couple doing nerdy things in their own nerdy paradise.
They were almost to the captain's quarters when a set of double doors in the hallway opened.
"Aww, nuts. I thought we had all the door glitches worked out," Shining said.
Cadence nodded. "You'd think with all the technology the Federation has, they come up with something more advanced than just sliding doors."
Shining shrugged. "Oh, well. Might as well fix it while we're right here."
"Yeah. Might forget which one it is with all the doors down here."
They stepped into the room, which they quickly realized wasn't lit on its own. Another item on the fix-it list. They casted some illumination spells from their horns to see.
"Don't remember this room," Shining said. "Hey! I think it's the transporter room!"
"Ooooh, I was looking forward to seeing this one!" Cadence said. The room itself was shaped like an octagon with a platform raised half a foot off the floor in the middle. A console between the platform and the entrance controlled the transporter's targeting and settings. Back when the ship was used, the transporter room was one of the primary ways of getting on and off the ship. The Federation's transporters were actually similar to pony teleportation, but a technological version.
"Hmm... looks like they were trying to beam something off the ship," Shining said. He fixed his horn's light on an object standing on the platform.
"Looks like a cargo tube of some kind," Cadence remarked. They both approached it on the platform.
Together, they examined the large, cylindrical object. Like the room, it was also shaped in a similar polygonal fashion. The Federation tended to have weird ways of storing cargo, so it wasn't out of the ordinary.
Shining rubbed his hoof on the outside of it. "Some kind of charring's covering the outside."
"You think maybe they saw combat? Like they were attacked?"
"No, no," Shining said, shaking his head. "It's covering the whole thing. This thing must've come out of a burning building or... something," he said. He continued scraping his hoof against the container. "At least it's coming off."
Cadence helped, scraping off the blackened ash from the black-metal case. "S... hey, there's something written under here?"
"Really?" They both started scraping the part where Cadence had found the letter.
"S... I... S. Sister?" Cadence asked.
"Wait, no- there's more up here. E..."
"N..."
"E... G!" They said, finishing the scraping. After their hooves were nearly completely covered and their uniforms dirtied, they stood back at the uncovered word. Faded red letters on the outside of the case spelled out the word: "Genesis!" the two exclaimed.
They both smiled at each other, happy to uncover the mystery together. "Ha... Genesis. Wasn't that from...?" Cadence trailed off.
Shining was trying to remember at that moment as well. But it didn't take long for the memory to come back to him. How could he, she, they forget? He stepped forward, looking at the red letters as the realization dawned on him. "Genesis..." he repeated. "Genesis... oh no." His eyes went wide.
Cadence's own eyes went wide as she echoed, "Genesis... oh no."
The doors behind them slid shut. The lights in the transporter room turned on, immediately glowing red. In front of them, the Genesis Device's original casing began to crack open.
"The controls!" Cadence shouted, trying desperately to activate the console. "We have to get out of here! Come on! Hurry!" She and Shining pounded at them. To no avail.
The casing opened. The doors parted, swinging open like the fiery gates of Tartarus themselves. And behind them was... a man. Who needed no introduction. A tall man with shoulder-length silvery hair and a torn orange jacket from an age long passed opened his eyes and took his first steps in a long time out of the casing... on his own. He didn't seem to regard Shining or Cadence, only rubbed the side of his face and flexed his fingers that had both, somehow, miraculously healed.
"K..."
"Khan..."
And Khan Noonien Singh smiled at both of them. "Ah, I am always pleased to hear that my reputation proceeds me," he said, touching his heart. "Unfortunately, I know very little about both of you."
They backed away as he stepped towards them. "This... this isn't possible."
"You... you can't be..."
"Oh, but according to your Federation, there's quite a lot that isn't possible... yet very much is," Khan said. He looked around, eyes narrowed like blades, cutting through reality to discern the truth with the precision of an assassin's blade. "You... weren't expecting to find me, were you? You didn't know I was here."
"I... I..." Shining's and Cadence's tails bumped the doors simultaneously. "We-we don't..."
"You aren't with Starfleet, are you?" Khan continued. "Yet here you are... on a Federation vessel. Wearing Starfleet uniforms."
He reached forward with surprising speed and grabbed them both by the collars of their uniforms. With ease, he lifted them both up into the air. "Tell me... who you are. And what you are doing here. And tell me where I can find... the Director."
"What now? The ghosts going to pop out next?" Dan asked, as if any of them knew the answer. They huddled together in a snuggly defense posture.
"Someone is coming."
They huddled closer together, interlocking hooves and hands while Dan raised his weapon high. The sound of footsteps continued approaching until finally, someone that was at the very least familiar to them.
"Ah! There you all are."
"Colress!" Phoenix exclaimed.
"Hey... that guy!" Dan added.
"It's Colress, Dan."
"Right, yeah. I knew that."
Phoenix rubbed his chin. "Dan? Do you call me Nicky and abbreviate other names so they're easier for you to remember?"
"No!" Dan flatly defended himself. "Two-syllable names are easier to shout in emergencies. Faster than three-syllable names and less of a chance to be mistaken than single-syllable names. It's practicality, Nicky."
"So then why do you go by Dan and not Daniel or Danny?" Phoenix asked, smirking slightly.
"Grrr. Because. I'm usually the cause of, or at least involved with an emergency if it's nearby," Dan said. "I prefer to be the cause."
"And it's easier to remember."
"Grrrr..."
As Colress approached, a Magnezone rounded the corner to follow him. Its magnets glowed a pulsing blue that seemed to affect the lights nearby."Zzzonne... Zzzonnne..."
"It's a good thing I found you. And the CMC and Marksaline are here as well. Good, very good," Colress remarked. He began typing on a built-in digital interface(BIDI) on his forearm. "The Director wasn't expecting anyone to hack into her network... she seems preoccupied for the moment."
"Thanks for helping us out, science dude!" Blast Fuse said, hugging his leg tightly.
"It's no problem. But we should get going while the securities have been deactivated," Colress said, turning around. The group followed him, including Marksaline.
"How long can you hack their security system?" Dan asked.
Colress shrugged. "That depends on how long it takes for them to notice I'm on their network."
Dan grinned. "Good. Keep it that way."
"I have absolutely no control over whether or not they find me."
Ignoring that, or being completely oblivious to it, Dan turned back to Phoenix and said, "You know what comes next, Nicky
Phoenix nodded. "We blow the whole place up while they think we're imprisoned."
"Good job, Nicky. I have trained you well."
"I, uh, just try to follow your example." (And the destruction you leave in your wake. Our wake, now.)
"We're coming, too!" The CMC declared in unison.
"Now girls, I admire your enthusiasm for trying to invade the evil lair yourselves, but this part is really dangerous," Dan said to them as they picked up the pace. "It's going to require caution, professionalism and subtlety."
"Which is why we're here!" the Blasties gleefully shouted.
The CMC looked down. "Please, Dan, Nix," Scootaloo pleaded, "we want to help!" They looked at the humans as they trotted, turning large eyes and trembling lips on the tall bipeds.
"Don't try the face on me, ladies. That only works when Chrys does it."
"Chrys sounds nice. I would like to meet Chrys."
"Pleeeeeeeeaaaaseee?" Sweetie Belle led them in a begging chorus.
"Why did you guys come down here any way?" Phoenix asked. "I thought Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were always mean to the three of you."
"They are..." Apple Bloom admitted. "But you guys were gone. And Blueblood is..."
"Wall."
"Yeah, he's like a-"
"No, we're coming up on a wall. Turn," Dan said. The group turned, hustling towards the corner they had landed in.
"While you guys were gone, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon found that big pony thing in front of the library," Apple Bloom explained.
Dan's heels screeched on the floor again. "Wait wait wait wait wait. What 'big pony thing' in front of the library?"
"I think they mean Knight, Dan," Phoenix said.
The shorter human shook his head. "Knight wasn't there when we went to the Crystal Empire. They must be talking about..."
"They said it was an Ace," Scootaloo said.
"Called it!"
"They found it after Hearth's Warming Day," she explained.
"Christmas," Dan corrected through gritted teeth.
"What?"
"Don't," Phoenix quickly interjected. "Just please, for the love of all that is holy and just, don't."
"Ah, that's Magic Gear ACE!" Blast Fuse said. "She was first off the line. Production-model Gear, tough as nails on nails on-"
"We already did that joke," Powdy stopped her. The other sister nodded, understanding.
"They've been trying to rebuild it," Sweetie Belle explained. "But we knew it was dangerous because you said so. So we went to try and stop them, to beat them to the pieces of that other thing they were searching for to fix it with."
"But then they captured you. And you found me~"
Dan was truly touched by what the CMC said. "I'm... I'm truly touched by what you guys have said. Taking the initiative like that, that's everything I've been trying to instill in you ponies since I got here. And... started to get involved and stuff. But it's still too dangerous."
Behind them, Marksaline grew a little bit. "Uh, Dan?"
"Aww, but pleeeease?"
"No buts," Dan continued. "You're going to take a ride with Colress- see? I did remember his name."
"That's great, but-"
"-and he's going to take you back to Ponyville."
"But Dan!"
"I'm sorry, my little DMC. But you're going to have to-"
"Dan," Phoenix grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him around. "This."
Marksaline had now somehow grown into a dragon. A guttural noise emitted from her maw, echoing against her now larger teeth.
"Fascinating," Colress said, typing on his interface again.
"We got it," Blast Fuse said, holding up a Snonckers bar. The neighcromorph snatched it up with her tongue and popped back to her original form.
Dan tapped his chin. "I detect that this may be what is known in some circles as, a thing."
"Numnumnumnumnum. Numnum......... Num."
"Okay, you guys can come," Dan said.
"Yayyyy!!" the CMC and Blasties cheered.
"Jubilation."
Colress tapped a command into his arm display and the walls parted again. Beyond them was the chute that had dumped them off into the maze. "Magnezone will take you back to the first floor," Colress said. "But first, I have the map of the facility." He held his arm in front of them and a holographic image beamed out in front of them.
"I want a watch that does that."
"Stable Three connects to the other Stables through a series of tunnels that run all throughout Equestria. But underneath the Determination Mountains are where the real factories are," Colress explained.
"There are two."
"Factories?" Dan asked, "As in more than one?"
The friendly scientist nodded. "They're producing more Magic Gears, more Sword Spells, other advanced weapons and new vehicles based on your MY-Wing." As he explained, a picture of a quad-engine fighter appeared. It looked like the MY-Wing, which Dan affectionately referred to as a space truck, except this version had a sharper cockpit and spikes protruding from its nacelles. "They're calling it a MY-Claw. With this, they'll be able to dig underneath Ponyville, Canterlot, any city we have and attack from underneath."
Several jaws hit the floor with that announcement, including Dan's. He quickly followed up with the question, "What about the ion cannon? Or the griffons' toilet ships? OR MY CHARIOT?!"
Colress shook his head. "They don't seem to be building any new aircraft at this time. The Claws are built for digging. And the Magic Gears, well, you know what they're built for- but these will be more advanced."
"Meaning tougher," Dan surmised.
"Where are Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?" Apple Bloom asked.
"And the Director?" Scootaloo added.
"I haven't been able to locate her position yet, but Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon seem to be here," Colress gestured. The image zoomed in to a large network of boxes and tubes- rooms and hallways far north of their position, miles north. "Lightning Claw and Firedancer seem to be with them as well."
"LC and FD!" Dan exclaimed. "Ah, thank goodness they're okay."
"Hopefully not still... programmed, though," Phoenix reminded them. (Initials, also easy to remember.)
"Shut up, Nicky."
(Sorry.)
"So how do we get to them? If we come at them from the surface, they'll see us coming," Dan said.
Colress nodded. "There's a tram system that runs throughout the tunnels. It's how they ship cargo and personnel quickly throughout the complex. Your only problem... is here," the image zoomed in to a large spherical chamber underneath a large mountain. It might as well have said BOSS CHAMBER above it. "This is underneath Mount Insurmountable, a dormant volcano. This is where Magic Gear VOLCANUS is building the other Magic Gears."
"VOLCANUS?" Dan repeated. "The *squee* kinda name is that?"
The image switched to display one of Magic Gear VOLCANUS- a massive Gear with a longer body and two pincers in front. On its back was a long tail and a pair of wings- the butterfly wings from the mech Dan destroyed on the train. The machine resembled some sort of colossal crab, spider or scorpion, or some combination of all three of them than a pony.
"What... the actually bucking *squee* is that?"
"The Gearmaker..." Powdy muttered.
"VOLCANUS, from what we can tell, is leeching Equestria's magic in order to build weapons and construct the other Magic Gears. We're not entirely sure, but we think it made most of them," Colress explained. "I'll keep in touch. There's some other things I need to research."
"You're not coming with us?" Phoenix asked.
"Not right now. Magnezone, Magnet Rise."
"Zone-Zooooonneee." The Pokemon levitated them up the shaft they had come in from, and the doors closed behind them.
Colress' Magnezone dropped them off at the first floor. Phoenix turned around to ask the Magnezone if it was coming with them, but before he could get a word out, the Pokemon was already descending again back down the shaft.
"Thanks for the lift," he said after it. (How did Colress know we were down here? And where exactly did he come from, anyway?)
"Red energy field-thingy's still up," Dan said, gesturing towards the red barrier in front of the entrance. He hefted his Pain Cane onto his shoulder. "Alright, time to go breaking stuff."
Phoenix lifted his own parasol onto his own shoulder. "Got it. Blast Sisters, you know what to do."
They both smiled and nodded emphatically. "That voodoo that we do oh so well~"
"Uhh, hold on," Apple Bloom stopped them. "Shouldn't we all have a plan or something?"
"I'd like to have a plan," Sweetie Belle added.
"We have a plan," Dan said. "It's called breaking stuff. Nicky, give 'em the run down."
"Right," Phoenix said. "Basically, we have six general, all-purpose plans: A for Acquire, B for Break, C for Call for backup, E for Extract and F for Flee. So when Dan says we break stuff, he means we're going to bash everything we can find and we don't bother with stealing things. Plan A for Acquire is stealing things."
The CMC counted on their hooves. Behind them, Marksaline also was counting, noticing something amiss. "But wait, you left out D. What's Plan D?"
Dan flashed a proud yet sinister smile. "You'll know Plan D when you see it. Now, let's wreck this place like a cheap suitcase!" He rose his cane high and prepared to charge.
"Wait," Apple Bloom stopped him again.
He put his foot back down, lowered the cane and took a deep breath. Turning back to the filly trio, he batted his eyelashes and asked, "Yes?" It was important to help educate the kids.
"Shouldn't we get like... a map?" Scootaloo asked.
"Actually, we don't really need one," Phoenix explained. "Dan's explained this all to me before. Usually, in evil bases like, well, this one, the important stuff is labeled and there's signs and directions so the evil guards don't get lost. Dan's banking on us finding something marked "DANGER" or "WARNING" that's red and has a bunch of computers and we just bash those until they stop working. Then the lights turn red and we run out of the place before it explodes."
Dan patted his friend on the back. "I have trained you well, apprentice."
"Thanks." (I might have you train a friend of mine when we get back home.)
"So we're just gonna wing this?" Apple Bloom asked.
"Eeeyup. You wanted to help, so come on!" Dan said, hopping merrily off, swinging his weapon with Phoenix in tow. The Blasties hopped off to follow him and even Marksaline began to follow.
"At least he's not chasing Flim and Flam this time," Apple Bloom remarked.
"I feel like there's a story there, Apple Bloom. What haven't you told us?" Sweetie asked.
"I'll tell ya later," the Apple filly said. They trotted off to catch up with Dan and the others.
The only other way out of the entrance to the Stable was another elevator. And the only place that elevator let off at was one other floor. Apple Bloom was beginning to agree with Dan's strategy more and more as they followed the only apparent path forward deeper into the facility. But the further they got, the less it looked like a Stable and more like something else entirely.
They exited the elevator into a short hallway that led out into a wide corridor. While the floors were still the sterile white the Stable was plastered with, the walls and ceiling were replaced with a circular glass covering. They were now walking through a giant connecting tube that provided an ample view of the rock walls bordering the structure. It felt like being on the inside of an ant farm.
"Okay, remember what we're looking for: anything marked with "danger" or "warning" or "flammable." Especially flammable," Dan said.
"Might also look for a control room or an operations center," Phoenix added.
"Right, those are important things. Any opportunity for us to cause mayhem or destruction."
"Bonus points if you find all three!" Blast Fuse called out.
Marksaline sniffed the air and looked around. "They are here. But they are leaving."
Scootaloo looked up at the larger pony. "What do you mean? Who's leaving?"
The intercom answered for them. "All G-section crews, report to main processing. Station Fourteen is available for access at this time."
"Security team to Junction Three. Maintenance teams in Shaft D be advised: Phase Two alert is now in effect."
"Sounds like they're busy, whatever they're doing. Perfect," Dan remarked.
"Why is that perfect?" Apple Bloom asked. But she wasn't going to receive an answer as Dan opened the door at the other end of the corridor and stepped through it. Beyond was an absolutely massive room. Although they couldn't tell, it was cylindrical in nature, and they had just came in to a catwalk on the top part of it. They approached a railing and looked down to the floor, nearly getting vertigo. Below them was a buzz of activity: machines and white-suited technicians loading things onto trams.
"This... this must be the shipping part of the factory," Dan surmised.
"What are those troopers? Those aren't ponies," Phoenix pointed out.
"Dogs. Ore hounds."
"Dogs..." Dan repeated. "Those suits look like... like..."
"They look like Vice Grip," Phoenix said. And indeed, he was correct: the white, full-body suits had metal gloves and boots over the limbs, similar to the attire of the scientist responsible for all of this. The dogs' hunched over appearance was the only way of identifying them by species; their faces were covered completely by a face shield build into each suit. It looked like a cleanroom suit mixed with heavy-lifting hazmat gear.
A platform rose up from the ground. Onboard were seven dogs, each armed with a black rifle. Dan instantly knew they were a security response team of some kind just from the fact they were coming their way with guns. The dogs got off the lift and by the time they were on the catwalk, Dan and company were nowhere to be seen. The dogs didn't give it a single thought and marched towards the door, going back up the way Dan and the others had came.
Dan pulled himself up from the edge of the railing. "Ha! Should'a known they'd fall for that!"
"Playing it pretty close to the hip, as usual," Phoenix remarked, pulling himself up.
"Oh, I'm not done yet," Dan said. He snuck back up to the door, opened it and closed it behind him. Phoenix and the Blasties on the other hand, walked over and leaned against the wall, seeing now as good a time as any to take a break while they could. The sounds of gunfire and dogs shouting echoed through the other side.
Apple Bloom looked at Phoenix and pointed at the door. "Does he need help?"
"He'll be done soon," the lawyer replied. "You get used to this, trust me."
"I have a feeling I don't want to," the filly replied.
The door opened again. "Fillies! What size are you all?" Dan asked.
"Size?" they all asked.
"Yeah, small, medium, extra medium?"
Sweetie Belle shook her head. "What even is "extra medium?" You remember who my sister is, right?"
Dan grinned. "Extra medium it is!" The sound of screaming soon permeated the walls followed by loud cracking noises. When Dan stepped back out, he had twelve suits. "Okay, suit up."
"There's twelve suits," Sweetie Belle said, pointing at the pile of space-age fabric. "But there were only seven guys."
"Yeah?" Dan asked.
Scootaloo shook her head. "There were seven bad guys. How are there twelve suits?"
Dan held up two suits. "So I got medium and XM but there's only two XLs. I can't promise the glove-things will fit."
"How are there five extra suits?!" Sweetie Belle asked, her voice cracking adorably. Behind her, Scootaloo opened the door again and immediately regretted it. "Oh my..." her stomach turned upside down, her face turned green.
"If you have to throw up, use this spare suit," Dan said, holding one out to her. And Scootaloo obliged. While this was happening, the others were already dressing in their weird insta-Dan-modified hazmat suits. It didn't take long after for the CMC to dress in their own suits, though the ponies removed the gloves so they could walk on all-fours.
Phoenix held up one of the rifles. "What kind of gun is this?"
"Pulse Rifle," Marksaline said. She held up one and rubbed it against her face mask.
"Right, Pulsey rifle," Dan said, holding up his own. "I'm not really much of a "gun guy" but we'll manage. Okay, now if anyone asks, it's our first day and we're looking for the guy from orientation. Got it?"
"Yes," they answered unanimously."
"Repeat it back to me: "It's my first day and I'm looking for the guy from orientation." Say it back, please."
"It's my first day and I'm looking for the guy from orientation." "It is my first day and I am looking for the guy from orientation."
"Good," Dan thumbs-upped them. "Follow my lead." They took the lift to the ground floor. Every few seconds, another tram would arrive and another would be loaded up and depart through a tunnel at the opposite end of the room. There were smaller trams and larger ones, all carrying different-sized crates that entered the room from conveyor belts.
"Sections MN through R ready for transport. Section X is now ready at Station Two."
"Cargo Team Nine report to Station Four. Transport One is departing."
"Should we try to sabotage one of the trams?" Blast Fuse asked.
"Wouldn't cause enough damage. But we could use them to get around," her sister said.
Dan nodded. "I think I just found someone we can ask." They followed him up to a platform above the entrance to the trams' exit tunnels. A displeased Captain Springer and a bored Lieutenant Spinner were busy overseeing the operations of the cargo crews.
"Another hour and we won't have to do this again," Springer said, hitting a button on her console.
Spinner was busy almost touching her hooves together. "Aww, but I like it here. Underground is so much cooler than underwater anyway."
"Yeah, but we won't be under either, so what difference does it make?"
"Hey there!" Dan said.
Springer turned her chair to look at the new arrival. "You need something?"
"Yeah, uh, I'm new. And my friends, too. We're looking for the guy from orientation."
"Orientation?" Springer asked.
"He must mean Lightning Claw," Spinner said. "He's usually in the Command Center with his brothers. Take a personnel tram and it'll take you right to it."
"Thanks," Dan said. "See ya later, Minty!" He waved and left.
Something about him seemed familiar to Springer but she didn't know what. She continued with her job, reminding herself that reassignment was a lot better than being fired and worked until her shift with Spinner ended.
Dan and company hopped into one of the yellow trams. They waved up top to Springer on the platform like nothing was wrong, at worst, appearing as if it was their first days on the job to the senior henchpony. She hit a button on her console and their tram shot down the tunnel. It was then she remembered the last person who called her "Minty" and made a call to the Command Center.
The tram raced down the tunnel. Like the corridor leading to the catwalk, it was a glass-covered tube. Unlike that same corridor, the space outside was... massive. And metal. Floor to ceiling, the same reddish-chrome color covered everything. Outside the tube was another massive room, a factory floor surrounding them. Magic Gears, MY-Claws and other weapons and systems were all being mass-produced outside the transport shaft on the right side. On the left side were vehicles and weapons that looked more like they were taken from Earth rather than built on Equestria. Tanks with twin barrels, armored blimps with faces painted on them and red-capped missiles.
"There's so many... there's so much," Phoenix remarked. "They're building an army to take over the whole planet."
Even Dan was dismayed at what he saw. "Yeah... that's a lot. Even by my standards."
"Why all the overkill though?" Phoenix asked. "Do they really think conquering Earth will be that hard?"
Dan shrugged. "Beats me. We're going to blow all this up, that's all that matters."
"Yeah... I just hope they haven't shipped that much of it out before we do." They all wished for that as the tram continued taking them underground until they finally arrived at the Command Center. They didn't see a single warning, danger or flammable sign and nothing painted in red. For Dan, that only meant their job was slightly harder.
They got off the tram, which didn't automatically shoot off when they exited it. The Command Center was more bluish than white or grey and oddly enough, there were flowers near the entrance outside the tram tube.
"Fake," Phoenix said, after they all examined the flowers. "Someone went to the trouble of decorating the place."
Dan knocked it over with a single swipe, smashing the flowers and the vase they were in. "Figured like a good place to start."
And that was when the door in front of them opened. Beyond it stood two ponies Dan hadn't directly met but knew about already.
Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara cast a glance at the shattered pot. "Was that really necessary, Dan?"
"It's bad enough that all of you have to be here," Diamond Tiara said. "Now you're making a mess of the place, too."
Dan removed his mask. "How?! How did you know it was us?!"
"What happened to you two?" Phoenix asked. "You... you're not fillies!"
"We've received some... enhancements," Silver Spoon said, primping her mane.
"Not that you'll be so lucky," Diamond Tiara added. Both of them were adults and wore jewel-encrusted armor and tiaras. More than that, their bodies were crystalline like that of Crystal Ponies. But Dan had just won question for both of them.
"How the hell do you take those things off to use the bathroom?" They both glared at him, their only response. He continued, "Sure, you look like a jewelry store train wreck but what happens when nature calls and you're trapped in that armor?"
"Blueblood's solid gold outhouse comes to mind," Phoenix remarked.
"Ha!"
The two rolled their eyes. "A lady does not discuss such things."
"So, both of you still can."
"Ughh. You are going to be difficult, aren't you?"
"Well, I mean, I came all the way down here just to ruin your day... you'd think I could get some appreciation," Dan said, batting his eyelashes at the two of them. "Does this seem difficult to you, pawn shop pony?"
Silver Spoon grinned. Oddly enough, she was not taking the role of second-banana to Diamond Tiara this time. She and the pink pony stepped to the side and she said, "Why don't you take it up with our associate? I think you both are already acquainted."
Lightning Claw, a lot larger than he was last time, took up most of the corridor as he approached them. He said nothing.
"Hey, Lightning!" Dan called. "You got your horn fixed! And... it's longer."
Lightning said nothing. His body rippled with static electricity.
"You're not still brainwashed are you?"
His horn started glowing until it turned white-hot, looking like a bolt of lightning itself. The air began to smell like ozone.
Silver Spoon smiled maliciously, the frightened faces of Dan and Phoenix mirrored in the reflection of her jewel-encrusted glasses. "Kill the Canadian first. Then the Jap."
"HEY! I'm from L.A! Screw you and your knockoff jewelry armor!"
Lightning aimed his horn at Dan. "By your command."
"Dan!" Phoenix yelled, raising his rifle, "Shoot him!"
Dan smacked down the barrel of Phoenix's gun. "What?! We can't shoot him; he's our friend!"
Phoenix looked back and fourth frantically from Dan and Lightning. "He's trying to kill us!"
"I've tried to hurt people I like, too! That's normal!"
"THAT'S NOT NORMAL, IT'S INSANE!!"
"IT'S NORMAL FOR US!!" Dan shouted.
Phoenix shook his head in frustration. As Lightning's horn crackled in front of them, the lawyer took his own Pulse Rifle, grabbing it lengthwise and chucked it as fast as he could. A white surge of electricity so bright it was almost blinding launched from Lightning's horn and collided with the rifle in midair. The gun seemed to catch the electricity, its metal absorbing it and transforming it into a ball of electricity. A ball that went right over Lightning's head, still propelled by Phoenix's throw, and right at Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara.
"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-" The electrically-charged projectile would have hit both the enhanced mares... if one of them hadn't shoved the other in the way.
"Silver Spoon! Wha- BLRRRWRRWWWRRRRZZZZRRRRRRRGGG!! Diamond Tiara felt the sting of betrayal just before the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity hit her in the face. The pink pony was electrified and knocked backwards, her friend stepping out of the way as not to be hit by her charred form.
"Woah... maybe I should get rubber shoes to go with this outfit," Silver Spoon remarked at the sight of her blackened BFF.
Diamond Tiara looked up as Silver Spoon walked by. Weak and covered in ash, she managed to ask, "Silver Spoon... wheyey?"
Silver Spoon offered her a half-concerted smirk. "It's nothing personal, Diam. Like you said, "progress waits for nopony." She picked up the now-discharged rifle and stepped over her like she was nothing.
Lightning advanced on his captives, his horn quickly charging again. "Stars..."
Dan drew his cane. Knowing it had the ability to absorb electricity, he held it up more as a defense than a weapon. "Lightning, buddy, it's Dan. And Nicky, remember?"
"He might know me as Phoenix."
"STARS!" Lightning unleashed a blast of lightning at Dan. The white electricity split into multiple streams at its point, like a claw. It wrapped around the cane and ripped out of Dan's hands. The electricity exploded, breaking the cane in half.
"Sorry Dan," Silver chuckled, "Lightning's new programming might have a few bugs in it, but he still has enough conditioning to obey only us." His horn began to crackle and glow again as he charged to full power. "Kill them all at once this time. This game is over."
"By your command." Lightning stepped closer, cornering them all. He backed them into the tram room again, forcing them up against the wall. Silver Spoon brandished the Pulse Rifle, which matched her armor.
Dan felt his back touch the wall through the suit. "I'm sorry, Nick. I had to... I had to try."
Phoenix swallowed. "I'm... I'm glad you did. It's what I would've... would've done." (Is it really? What more was there I could have done? How did we get into this? How did my life, my whole entire life lead to this one moment? Is this... is this it? Is this the end?) And as Phoenix Wright asked himself these questions, he thought he saw something just past Lightning Claw's shoulder. "Mia...?"
"You are broken." Stepping in front of the group and their attacker, Marksaline seemed to phase through her hazmat suit and the danger itself to come between Dan, Phoenix, the CMC, the Blasties and Lightning Claw. "I can fix you."
"STARRRSSS!!" Lightning launched a blast of electricity that might as well have been a star in the underground chamber. It flew overhead like a bomb, threatening to flash-fry them where they stood, leaving behind only their shadows frozen in the wall and floor behind them.
But it never had a chance. Marksaline's double-helix horn loosed a stream of red-black magic that wrapped around Lightning's lightning. Her magic absorbed his energy, swirling around it and drawing it back to her horn. Her eyes glowed briefly but quickly returned to normal. "You are missing something."
Lightning snarled. "STARRRSSSS!! STARRRRRSSSSS!!" He stomped the ground, causing sparks to explode from his hooves. He advanced on Dan.
Until Marksaline stopped him. She put both hooves on his shoulders and stared into his eyes. "Make us whole again."
"Nicole..." Twin spears of red and black enveloped the two ponies. The air around the room began to rush, swirling around them.
"What... what is this?!" Silver Spoon struggled to keep her glasses on.
"What are you doing?! Nicky, what is new girl doing?!"
"I don't know!!
The Blast Sisters looked on in wide-eyed amazement. "This is so awesome."
The two spears began to bend, twisting around each other. The air swirled faster, forming a cone that molded the twin magical shapes together. They formed a double-helix that began to glow red, then brighter and brighter until it filled the corridor beyond with red-white light. Silver Spoon lost the grip on her weapon and it flew around the room.
Just when they thought they couldn't take it any more, the magical shape exploded in a flash of light. Tiny embers of magic descended as twinkles of red and black that cascaded to the floor before being absorbed by the elements.
Dan and Phoenix had averted their eyes before the flash. They looked back to see Marksaline standing over Lightning who was collapsed on the floor... and back to his normal size.
"I... I'm back," Lightning muttered, dazed on the ground. "I... I remember." He felt his forehead to find his horn was regular-sized again and fixed. "I'm back! I'm back!! You... you fixed my horn."
Marksaline smiled a sharp-toothed grin at him. She reached up at him with her hoof. "Boop."
Lightning stood up again, steadying himself on his healer. "Thank you... thank you so much." Marksaline nuzzled him, causing him to giggle.
"She un-brainwashed him! YES!!" Dan exclaimed. He grabbed Phoenix's hands and began dancing, "We got one back! We got one back!"
"We did it! We did it!" The Blasties danced with the CMC.
"We knew she could do that the whole time..." Scootaloo said.
Sweetie Belle nodded while the bomb mares held them. "Yeah, but now all we need to do is have her use it on Diamond Tiara and Silver-"
"Good for you, you got your friend back," Silver Spoon said, raising the gun. "As if that amounts to anything. I have an empire and soon, the Silver Consortium will rule over Earth, Equestria and everything in between, ahahahaha! Friends are a nice thing to have but in the end..." she aimed right at them. "They're just disposable income." She fired.
The Pulse Rifle's rounds were absorbed by Diamond Tiara's armor as she jumped in front of Dan and company. "DIA!!" Silver Spoon yelled, a mixture of rage and concern in her voice. The pink pony collapsed as she landed, unable to stand.
"Diamond Tiara!!!" the CMC yelled together. Along with Dan, they rushed to her side.
Diamond Tiara's face was bruised and blackened, her armor was penetrated and her tiara was melted into her charred mane. But through her beaten expression shown a genuinely happy smile. "Apple Bloom..."
Dan held her. "This is... um, this is really sad but... I don't really know you."
"Dan!" Phoenix chastised him.
"Uhh-ummm," he held her up to Marksaline, "Fix her! Fix her, please!" Marksaline looked over the pony. And she shook her head. "No..."
Diamond Tiara smiled at Dan. "It's okay. I've learned..." She lay her head back. "Some things are... are worth it." And she was gone.
Dan stood up instantaneously. His fists balled, he threw them to the air and yelled, "SILVER SPOOOOOOOOOOOOONNN!!!!!!NA."
"Shhh," Diamond Tiara said, tapping Dan's chin. "I'm okay, just gonna take a breather."
"Freaking drama queen," Blast Fuse said.
"Well, be sure to make it a short one. Cuz now, I'm gonna kill all of you," Silver Spoon said, raising the gun again. "Say goodbye to your worthless flanks!" She pulled the trigger. And the gun jammed. "What? What's wrong with this thing?!"
"Your gun's jammed by my electricity, genius!" Lightning said. "Now here comes another shocking idea!" He unleashed a blast of lightning from his now-repaired horn. And Silver Spoon was quick to chuck the gun over Lightning's head, absorbing the lightning and sending it back into Dan and Phoenix again.
"GYARRRBLLRRRZZZZERRRLLLLGAAAABLLLZZZZZZ!!
AAAAGGAGAGGGGAAAAAA" Dan and Phoenix were both blasted by the voltage.
"Later losers!" Silver Spoon took advantage of their disorientation to jump into the tram and zip down the tube in it. But Dan and Phoenix were both quick to recover.
"That's it! I'm gonna break that spoon in half with my bare hands!" Dan jumped to his feet and ran to the tube. "Nicky! Lightning! Pink one I don't know! How do we get another tram?"
"She's unconscious, Dan," Blast Powder said.
"Why are you wearing her tiara?" Phoenix asked.
Powdy kicked her hooves shyly. "Because I'm a pretty pony princess..."
Her sister nodded and rubbed her shoulders. "We have special wants, Nicko. Not special needs; special wants."
"I-I wasn't insinuating..."
And before they could ask anything more, another tram entered the room from the tube.
"Ah-ha!" Captain Springer announced, stopping the tram. "I thought I'd find you here! I knew it was you from the moment you- WOOOAHH!"
"Fuck you, Luigi!" Dan punched her, grabbed and threw her out of the tram. "Nicky! Get in the bumper car!"
"Okay, but what about them?" Phoenix asked. He gathered up the pieces of Dan's cane and the two guns and hopped in the car.
"The rest of you, find a way to blow up this place. We're going after Silver Spoon!" Dan said. He engaged the tram and it shot through the tube.
When they were gone, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder all helped take off Diamond Tiara's armor, patch her up as best they could and put her on Marksaline's back. Exiting via the corridor, they began their own journey deeper into the facility.
"So... you're an alicorn?" Sweetie Belle asked Lightning.
"Yes," he answered, somewhat sternly because it was an obvious question. The horn and wings should've made it obvious, to him, anyway. "I was experimenting and there was an accident. I became an alicorn when I mixed the wrong potions."
"Ohhh," Sweetie Belle said, acting like she understood. "So... you're not a princess?"
Lightning looked over at her. "Do I look like Blueblood to you?"
"The story's beginning to reference itself," Apple Bloom commented. "I'm not sure whether I should be excited or frightened."
"We're both!!" the Blasties exclaimed. The door closed behind them and they traveled into the command center.
When they were gone, another tram entered the room and ran over Captain Springer.
"Springy? Springy?" Spinner called out, looking around. She finally found her wingpony, flattened behind her tram. "Oh... crap, sorry boss."
Springer lifted up her head. "Go... weegeeeeeee..." she muttered, before passing out again.
The tram raced down the tube. Once it exited the command sector "station," the tube opened into a wider section again. More transparent walls lined this section of the tube, offering what Phoenix would've described as an awe-inspiring view of a massive subterranean cavern full of drilling equipment and construction-based Magic Gears. He almost said as much, but Dan was busy trying to pursue Silver Spoon.
"How do you make this go-kart minecart go-mine faster?!"
Powdy used her magic to push a lever all the way forward. The tram accelerated in response. "You're welcome~" she said, without Dan having to say anything.
"What are we going to do when we catch up to Silver Spoon?" Phoenix asked.
Dan turned to him deliberately. "Well, we have two guns, two bomb-making, a few blunt objects and of course, my never-ending supply of homicidal rage(tm). So I was thinking we could just talk, really work out our differences with her," he said calmly. "You know, constructively."
(I have to ask.) "Really?"
"NO!!! I'm going to DRAW AND QUARTER HER SLOWLY WHILE SOMEPONY DRAWS A PICTURE OF THAT IN QUARTERS. I WILL AUCTION OFF PIECES OF HER TO HER FAMILY USING SAID PICTURES AS INVITATIONAL GIFT CARDS! I WILL THEN USE THE PROFITS FROM SAID ENDEAVOR," he had to stop for a moment. Red in the face, Fusey gave him a glass of water. "Thank you. TO SET UP A SCHOLARSHIP TO TEACH OTHER PONIES HOW TO KILL STUCK-UP FILLIES THE SAME WAY!!!"
Fusey patted Dan on the back. "As long as you're committed to working out your differences constructively."
"I... I like the scholarship idea," Phoenix admitted. (The rest of it, no. But I'm willing to count this as progress... I guess.) "But how are we going to catch up to her? What if this track is all connected and we're just going in a big circle?"
"Way ahead of you, Wrighto," Powdy said. She was busy crafting bombs while Fusey dropped them over the back of the tram as it continued carrying them.
"Oh, so NOW you two can make bombs? I thought you were out!" Dan yelled over his shoulder.
"We ran out of energy."
"It happens."
"Especially when we use a lot at one time."
"But we recharged!"
"We're good now."
"Want one?" Fusey held up her hoof and a bomb poof-appeared in it, the classic bowling ball-and-wick variety. "It's set to proximity!"
"Eh, sure," Dan said. Unlike the others, Dan tossed it upward and it stuck to the ceiling on its wick. It hung they as they continued shooting past, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder continued mining the path behind them with bombs.
The tram continued down the tube at top-speed. The corridor in it continued to change as they passed sections, different stations and even interchanges. They all began to realize that it would be pretty easy to get lost in the depths of the base.
After passing the third ominously-empty weapons factory floor, Phoenix asked, "Are we even going the right way any more?"
"Yes," Dan said, still gripping the controls though there weren't any other options other than to go forward and adjust speed. "My JERK senses are tingling; I can tell she's just up ahead!"
"I'm not going to ask how that even works."
They passed another station and came to another transparent section. And they were immediately stunned; outside in these caverns were not expanses of machinery or conveyor belts of weapons and machines, but markers. Black-red markers as tall as some buildings that stretched halfway up the room. The only reason they stopped is because corresponding markers hung from the ceiling.
"I'm not going to say it," Dan said, ignoring the twisting double-helix pillars of ominous intent. "I'm just not going to say it. And none of you-"
"Well, this is new," Fusey said.
"YOU SAID IT! I SAID NOT TO SAY IT AND YOU SAID IT!!" Dan yelled.
"What are these things?" Phoenix asked.
"They're markers," Lightning's voice said from the intercom.
"Lightning?"
"Hi Lightning!" Powdy waved, as if he could see them. And, to her credit, he could.
"Uh, hi," he replied. "Colress tapped us into the intercom system. We're in the control room and we have you on monitor."
Dan grinned. "Excellent, kid now where's Silver Spoon?"
"She's at the junction up ahead. You're heading into the core maintenance tunnels now so it might get hot in there."
"Hot. Wonderful. And this thing doesn't have AC."
"Lightning, what exactly are we looking at now?" Phoenix asked. "Are these all... Sword Spells?" White tendrils of energy ran the length of the pillars, becoming a crackling surge of electricity at the tips until it finally connected with the ones above.
"No, those are Markers. Sword Spells are made by breaking them in half."
Phoenix shook his head. (There's enough here to nuke ten Equestrias... and then, they have armies being built. Why do they need all this firepower? What are they trying to do?) "What are they planning on doing with these things?"
Colress' voice came back this time. "They're building a new Equestria. A new planet using the magic from the old Equestria and materials from Earth," he explained. "The Markers are drawing in and focusing magic from across the planet, concentrating different types and channeling it into the core. Different ideas, concepts, feelings- from both Earth and Equestria are being focused into a single point. When it's ready, they're going to launch it into space using a volcano... and it will become the spell that brings fourth a new Equestria. A new generation."
"Gen-five," Blast Fuse and Blast Powder said simultaneously. "And we're gen-four OC's."
"We're boned."
"Mega-boned."
"No one's boned," Dan declared. "We're blowing up all this crap. Screw the next generation. What have they ever done for us, anyway?"
"I kinda hope they like my games," Phoenix said bashfully.
"You know what I mean," Dan said. "Mark this place with a special bomb or something; we're gonna wanna make sure this room is like, completely blown up."
"Creepy chamber of evil-magic-stealing-obelisks is now on the "Destroy on Sight/Kill with Fire" list, Danno," Fusey said, holding a list in her hoof.
"What else is on that list?" Phoenix asked.
Fusey held it up again. "That wold be: Vice Grip, The Director, Blueblood, hippies, Silver Spoon, vending machines that don't give you back the correct amount of change yet nobody fixes them and Blueblood."
"Blueblood's on it twice?"
"Eeyep."
Dan shook his head. "Flip it over."
Fusey complied. "Oh... actually, he's on it a hundred-and-five times. They're numbered."
The doors in front of the Tram opened into the next section. A wave of heated air washed out to greet them. Unlike the other parts of the tram tube, the walls in the section beyond were completely metal. The doors on the outside displayed the words in bold: CORE.
"Well, here's the red logos you told us to look for," Powdey said.
Dan nodded. "Silver Spoon first. Then we blow this place to kingdom come."
The path forked as the tram entered the core. A red arrow accompanied by a sign on the wall pointed right, indicating in bold letters: REACTOR MAINTENANCE. On the opposite side was a similar sign and a green arrow pointing left that read in friendly letters: Emergency Exit. And underneath both those signs were two warning placards with Dan and Phoenix's faces with giant, red circles with lines through them. Those both read: No Shirt, No Shoes, No Jerks or Lawyers.
Dan tapped his chin. "Is it weird that I completely understand why that's there?"
Phoenix shook his head. "No. Is it weird that I'm alright with us violating a posted warning?"
"Nope. It means we're both learning, Nicky," Dan said, giving him a hearty pat on the back.
"Hooray for possible improvement." (At least we have a quick way out if we need it. Possibly.) The tram turned right and headed deeper into the core complex.
"Are we going to start wrecking the vulnerable stuff before or after we find Silver Spoon?" Phoenix asked.
Dan shrugged. "Depends on which one we find first." The door to the reactor maintenance section opened and behind it was a bunch of incredibly vulnerable-looking gadgetry, most with red labels or warning signs attached, and another tram with Silver Spoon in it. "THERE SHE IS!!!" Dan exclaimed. He immediately slammed the shift forward.
Silver Spoon rolled her eyes and the oncoming hate party. "You actually found out how to use the conveyor car. Boy, are we in trouble now." Her own tram began moving away from them.
"You're gonna be in a second! Nicky, gun! Bomb ponies, bomb!"
"Outta bombs again."
"Unwilling to comply; building in progress," Fusey replied.
"GNNNRRRRR," Dan took the gun anyway. "EAT WHATEVER THIS IS, UTENSIL FILLY!" He steadied one of the Pulse Rifles on his shoulder, balanced the weapon, prepared to compensate for the recoil, took careful aim and fired. The rifle's staccato filled the chamber, echoing off the walls as the blazing light from the barrel outshone the glowing electronics and lamps above. Dan's shots cut through the air, burned and tore through everything they hit. But not a single shot even came close to hitting Silver Spoon.
"HAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!!" Dan laughed, the rife bucking in his hands as his shots blasted wildly.
Silver Spoon sighed and raised an eyebrow at the display. "Really?" Dan's shots flew around the chamber and rebounded off the walls and machines, destroying displays and obliterating random bits of technology. Energy bullets ricocheted off the walls and some hit the lights overhead, destroying them and sending sparks cascading down. That was the only time Silver Spoon actually ducked to avoid getting hit by the sparks.
"Dan?" Phoenix asked, his voice raised over the sound of gunfire.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Dan continued firing. A few shots actually hit the floor, scorching the gray-blue metal. The interior hall they were in actually resembled the inside of the Technodrome, though only the Director would have recognized it. It was abundantly clear to Phoenix that Dan was no marksman. Finally, a single round pinged off Silver Spoon's clear face mask she had added to her armor, but was about as effective as if he'd hit her with a spitball. "THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM!!"
"Dan is no Heavy," Powdy said.
"He'd make a good... err..."
"He'd be himself in TF2. As would I," Phoenix said. "Dan?" he grabbed the shorter human by the shoulder.
"What?! Nicky, you should know it's very dangerous to interact with someone while they're using a firearm."
"Did... did you just make a gun safety message while firing almost blindly... in the middle of a hazardous area... at a little girl?" (My head hurt a little having to ask that.)
"Yes," Dan said. "Safety first, Nicky. You know that."
"Yeah, but... you're not making any progress. You're clearly not accurate with that weapon and it doesn't seem to be very effective in the first place against our target," Phoenix said.
Dan turned around in a huff. "Well, I'm sorry. My usual weapon of choice is either this cane, my fists or Twilight. I used Chrys as a chainsaw once, pretty fun."
"You can use me!" Powdy said, mounting the control console.
"For what?" Phoenix asked.
"Anything~" she teased the lawyer with her tail but he blocked it.
"I'm assuming you mean as a minigun like Twilight," Phoenix said.
She nodded. "Eeyup. Costs four-hundred thousand dollars," she said in a faux Russian voice.
Bashfully, Phoenix declined. "Thanks but, I'm more used to using words."
"I'll give it a shot," Dan said, grabbing the small horse.
She meeped and blushed. "Oh-oohh-kay, we're doing this now."
Behind them, Fusey pouted and folded her hooves. "Horny privilege strikes again."
Dan spun up Blast Powder's tail just like she was Twilight Sparkle. Her horn began to glow in response.
Ahead of them, Silver Spoon was confused by this action. "The heck are you idiots doing? If you're going to hang off those things, then we're not responsible for-" A bomb exploded in her face. "AAIIEE!"
Dan turned around Powdy. "Your horn fires bombs?!?!"
She blushed. "Y-yeah? Lightning does lightning, Firedance does fire, and we-"
"We are keeping you. And possibly cloning you," Dan said, spinning her around again.
"Yay more sisters?" Her horn glowed again as Dan spun up her tail.
"STOP THIS! STOP THIS, YOU FOO-WOAH!!" More bombs exploded, rocking Silver Spoon's tram. Her armor, now scorched was still intact though she couldn't know for how long. Unlike Twilight who essentially could function like a gatling gun, Blast Powder's magic was bomb-based and so spinning her tail recharged her explosive energy. So she had a charge-up function while Twilight had more of a spool-up before firing.
"We've got her now! Just have to get close enough!"
Holding on for dear life at the back of the tram, Phoenix picked up Fusey. "If I spin your tail around, can you do something to help us?! Save us?! ANYTHING?!!"
The Pegasus sister blushed. "I can purr like a kitty and nuzzle you." And she did so.
"That's... adorable, but not really helpful," he sighed, putting her down. And then he picked up both Pulse Rifles. "Welp, if I'm gonna be in danger, I might as well be the danger."
Dan beamed. "That's the spirit, Nicky!"
"Alright, scoot over! Let's tear this spoon a new one!" Phoenix combined his guns to the sides of Blast Fuse. Standing on opposite sides, the humans fired their respective weapons, unleashing a barrage of bullets and bombs at Silver Spoon.
"AAAHHH! AAAAAAHHHH!!" Spoon screamed. Explosions and shots blasted around her, destroying the entire hallway as the trams traveled down it. A wall of fire was now following Silver Spoon, engulfing every piece of sensitive machinery as they passed.
"Haha! We got her now! Only a matter of time before she gets happa-blasted!" Dan exclaimed.
Phoenix nodded with maniacal glee. "I don't know what that word means! We're all gonna die!"
"But we're gonna take her down with us!" Dan pointed out. "Which is the goal!"
"Yayyyy!" Fusey clapped behind them.
"Hey guys?" Powdy turned around. "I think she's-" A bomb launched out of her horn and exploded on the ceiling above. "Oh, woopsie! But yeah, I think Spooner's doing something."
"What's she doing?" Dan asked. Both he and Phoenix looked around Powdy to see their target.
Although Silver Spoon's tram was dented, it was apparently no worse for wear. The artificially aged-up filly pulled out something from inside her own cart and aimed it back at them. She, too began cranking something, spinning it up.
"Is that an egg beater?"
"No."
"Didn't think so. Duck!" Dan yelled. He pulled down Powdy as a hail fire of silver was spewed at them. A torrent of pings rebounded off the hood of the tram, sending vibrations through it.
Both Phoenix and Dan continued ducking, letting the cart absorb the fire. Phoenix was about to ask what she was shooting at them when something landed on the floor in front of them. Dan grabbed it and held it up briefly, but it was so hot it burned his hand. Powdy then lifted it with her magic: a superheated piece of silverware.
Phoenix, Dan, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder both looked at the object and at the same time said, "Sporks?"
Twilight, Chrys and Spike arrived back, eager for a respite after a few solid hours' work. Overseeing the construction of Dan's planned fortifications to Ponyville was an exhausting task, but a necessary one. Everypony and even Gust's griffons were working with enthusiasm towards building up Ponyville, Cloudsdale and even Canterlot. There was a lot that had to be done, multiple simultaneous projects but the strange thing was, there were no problems. From the repatriated Enclave ponies to the reformed pirates and zebras, all the former enemies of Equestria were working for them now, eager to please.
But they weren't doing it for Twilight, for the princesses or even for Equestria. They did it for Dan.
As part of their security plan, Chrys was masquerading as Dan to give the appearance he hadn't left Twilight's side. And the effect was obvious: everyone loved Dan. By standing up in the face of impossible odds, the perpetually-angry, ill-mannered self-proclaimed jerk had united the entire country. Ponies were beginning to act like him and exaggerated tales of his exploits circulated constantly throughout town.
Chrys transformed back into herself as the door closed behind her. "Fluffle Puff? Got three more for you."
Fluffle Puff slid across the floor, covered in necklaces of flowers, gems and trinkets. Chrys levitated another three that had been thrown around her neck by ponies in town while she was Dan and gave them to Fluffle. The fluffy mare continued decorating herself with them, but ran out of space with the last one. Finding Spike standing next to her, she put it on him.
The small dragon removed the necklace, but did so with care. "It seems like everypony thinks Dan's a real hero."
"Hmm, everypony except Dan," Chrys said with a smile.
"He charged off into the unknown to rescue Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. But he also went out for revenge. So he's being both heroic and his usual, vengeful self at the same time," Twilight remarked.
Spike sighed. "He acts like he's just doing whatever anyone else would be doing... even if they wouldn't. Because he believes they should." The necklace he held had tiny trinkets on it. As Spike held it in his claws, he flipped it back and fourth, and the trinkets slid to one side or the other. Never in the middle for long, but always together. "He's being the change he wants to see in the world."
Twilight nodded and put her hoof on her friend's shoulder. She was proud of him; overcoming jealousy, especially the romantic kind was not easy. Less easy because Spike was a romantic.
"We've all done our share of heroic things at this point. Especially you," Chrys said, remembering back to when Spike saved them all from the evil day spa.
"I must concur most wholeheartedly," Tuxley said, entering from the kitchen. He held his afternoon tea in an outstretched claw. "We are all pitching in for Queen-err, princess and country. Master Dan's exploits are just a bit more pronounced in volume and so garner equal attention."
"Of course, sir," Reginald said, more of an interjection than just agreement. "But one cannot help but notice the... newfound adoration we're seeing for Master Dan." Eyes in the room slowly turned to the crystal pony. "To say the least, the fervor is quite excessive indeed. It begs to ask what wouldn't ponies do for their new hero."
The dinosaur turned a frown at his observant servant. "Balderdash, Reginald. To think that ponies could become... Dan-fanatics is of the highest grade of reproachable."
Reginald raised a brow. "Really? Because I do recall seeing at least two statues to Dan nearing completion on the nor-eastern side of town by the music shop. What did Vinyl call that quarter of town again?"
"The Dan District," Chrys admitted. "To be fair, Vinyl put a statue of Dan on the roof after he agreed to help them patch it. She and Tavi thought it would help their karma."
"Hmm... perhaps things are proceeding quickly," Tuxley said.
"I have faith in Dan," Twilight said. "I had a thought about Dan becoming a tyrant once. But it would never work because if he ever became a dictator, he'd make a rule that he'd break and he'd end up overthrowing himself."
Chrys giggled. "Actually, he put that in the contingency plans. Plan K for King. If he ever becomes an oppressive ruler, we're to help him overthrow himself and install a provisional government led by him, but with the reminder of what he's not supposed to do again."
"Hear that, Reginald? Dan thought of that, too so we're covered."
"Yeah, we got it covered," Spike said. They all nodded in agreement. "For once, it really feels like we thought of everythi-" Spike stopped. He'd tossed the necklace up in the air just before he started speaking again, and now it hung there in midair.
Twilight looked around. "Spike? Guys?" Everyone suddenly stopped. She tried to move the floating necklace with magic but it wouldn't budge. The world around her had frozen in time. Her heart traveled up her throat and began to beat just behind her tonsils. "Tuxley? Chrys?!"
Panic began to take hold. She ran up to Fluffle Puff who's face was frozen in perpetual "Thppppth." "Fluffle Puff..." What had happened? The clock on the wall had stopped. Frantically, Twilight looked around for any sign of time, of life, of anything. "What's going on...?"
Music began to play from upstairs. Like a moth to flame, she walked up her own stairway to her own room where the music was coming from. Using her magic, she opened her door, happy at least something wasn't completely frozen. But when she stepped into her own study, she found herself frozen... because she was not the only one there.
Sitting at her desk was a figure in a dark cloak. Hunched over and writing, its back was towards her. Twilight felt herself begin to calm down. She closed the doorway behind her but left it open, just a crack. "The Pet Store Colts?"
"Always On My Mind, yes," the Director said. "Dan's such an 80s fan, isn't he?" The music continued playing as they spoke.
"He is," Twilight said, stepping cautiously closer. "May I ask what it is you're doing here?"
The Arcane Apology lifted up above the Director's head, open to one of the back pages. "I was wanting to check out a book. I hope you don't mind- it was mine originally, after all."
Twilight swallowed but continued. "The Arcane Apology is yours... meaning you wrote it?"
"No," she answered sternly. "But it was written for me... about me, in many ways. And I used it for a time." She turned around, even though the chair was not meant to turn, it somehow faced her along with her. "There is much that cannot be solved with spell, faithful student."
"What do you want from me?"
"To protect you, Twilight Sparkle. Always to protect you..." she said.
Twilight had to guess. "From myself? From something else?"
The Director looked up. She stared at Twilight with eyes like the void of space opening up before her, an infinite abyss of twinkling lights, of tiny sparkles in the twilight. "From me." She pulled back her hood... and Twilight found herself staring back at her.
She stepped back as if in horror. "What... what is this? Are you a changeling? What are you?!!"
"I'm many things, Twilight Sparkle," she stood. She had Twilight's face, her ears, her muzzle, even her eyes now that the hood was gone but her hands were like nothing Twilight had ever seen. "I have watched you since before you came to be, Twilight. I guided you as you grew, cared for you and your friends waiting for the day you would be together, all this according to Her plan, the Recreator's plan."
"You're a-a princess?"
The Director smiled. "No, child. I am Equestria."
And Twilight's jaw hit the floor just as she felt her flank hit the door, closing it all the way shut. "That... can't... be..." She shook her head in disbelief. "That's not even possible. You can't be... Equestria."
"But I am," she said, stepping closer in long strides. Her face changed to that of an azure, almost statue-like equine's head. Her eyes shown radiantly like jewels and in fact, were gems. She smiled. "I know this is difficult to understand. But I have always been this place, this world, the energy of life and magic that flows through it. Feel it in your heart, my little pony. I have always been here."
Twilight's head felt like it was swimming. The Pet Store Colts record finally stopped as the Director knelt down to her, sitting beside her. The tall blue woman rested her hands just below her knees, an almost natural position for a child... or one who was a child at heart. "I... I don't understand."
"Hmm, a lot to take in, isn't it?" she hid her muzzle behind her hands. "I was created alongside the King and Queen, you know? Not the ones you know of- the real King and Queen of Equestria... of me."
"But, how?" Twilight asked. "How can you be this, this whole planet? The world, the magic, the... well, everything?"
The Director sighed. "And you wonder why I prefer to just be called the Director."
"That too, I guess."
She stood. "Well, for one, it's a bit more specific than just calling myself the Collector or the Coordinator. It's easier, anyway. I can't control the plants or the trees or anything that lives, but I am the magic of friendship," she turned to Twilight. "The thing you have been striving so much to understand, to protect, that you fight for... is me. I represent all of it in me."
Twilight opened her mouth, but no words came out. So many questions jammed in her throat, each struggling for control of her voice that she only uttered a squeak in response. When she finally found her voice, the only thing she said was "Why?"
"To protect you," the Director repeated.
"How?" Twilight asked. "By kidnapping me? By brainwashing me and my friends? By allying with-"
"By any means necessary," her voice thundered. It was like the royal Canterlot voice magnified by a hundred in power but half the volume, a sound of power that reverberated in her very bones. Every syllable shook the fabric of dimensions themselves, echoing across time and space until they finally collided in an explosion of resonance that radiated outward, filling every measurable amount of existence with its reason. The room began to grow cold.
"To protect me from... what?" Twilight asked, her voice barely a squee against the vastness of creation.
"You are not the first, Twilight Sparkle. And you will not be the last," the Director said, her voice normal now. "I was... originally created to be the harmony of this world, to be your Earth. And with magic, I gained a life of my own. I watched as ponies played across my surface, warmed themselves under my sun, frolicked in my seasons for years and felt my heart beating with more joy than can be described in every laugh, in every smile, in every rainbow."
Twilight looked up at her. Slowly, her mind began to form the connections between history, between the pieces of the past until they finally connected to the present. "The Old Equestria... was that you as well? Are you this..." she whispered even softer, as if asking herself simultaneously, "are you this universe?"
And the Director nodded. "The spirit of it, at least. And each time... I was not good enough. Or they weren't. And my beautiful slate was wiped clean and laid barren, my loved ones, my family and my... my friends, taken from me." She turned her head down. "You do not know what such loss feels like. To have everything taken from you and be left alone... in this void of time and space unto yourself."
For the first time, Twilight was no longer afraid. She could see fear, however, in the one that stood before her. Trembling, sorrow being held back. She stood up and moved towards the Director again. "It's okay. I'm here right now."
In a flash, the Director's hands cupped Twilight's hoof in a cold, icy grip. When Twilight looked up, the Director was staring at her, her own reflection in her eyes. And on her muzzle was a grin too wide for a horse. "I know. And this time, I'm not going to let you go."
Twilight felt herself being raised up. The room began to pull away, reality began to give way to a realm of only concepts, of twinkling lights in a void that could have been either thoughts becoming dreams, particles forming atoms or stars and planets in space coming together to create entire galaxies. Time had no meaning, space had no meaning, what was and what wasn't had no meaning, there was only her desire like an anathema of oblivion incarnate, hunger and darkness and death. A nightmare's nightmare.
"Don't you see, Twilight? This is the only way I can protect you and your friends. This world is doomed and all who are in it will be taken from me, spirited away to a place I cannot go. Because I am not perfect and neither are you. But, we can create a new Equestria, break this cycle once and for all. And you will be My Little Ponies once again, for now and forever!!!"
Scree-eeee-EEEEECCH!! The sound of a record scratching beyond anything else that could have been heard broke through the distortion Twilight and the Director were in, bringing them back to reality. Even the Director gripped her ears and released Twilight's hoof. She fell to the floor.
"What?" The Director turned around.
Twilight looked up to see a figure in golden armor standing next to her phonograph. His talons held the needle of the record player. "Step away from her."
"You... I do not know you," the Director said. "And where were you summoned from? Which book did you pop out of?"
"The history books," the figure answered. "Maybe you should brush up on yours sometime. Forcing others to do what you want never works out."
"I'll be sure to make a note of that in the new ones. Unfortunately, my new form doesn't have room for everyone."
"Maybe if you left out some of your ego, there would be."
"Haha," the Director laughed. "You're funny. He's funny, Twilight! Let's take him with us. Oh, but let's take him apart first so he's easier to pack." A force erupted from the Director's arms that tossed the Gold Baron back to the wall. He hit it hard and fell behind Twilight's desk.
"Stop! Don't hurt him," Twilight said. Hoof outstretched, she put up a barrier between the Director and her own desk. And the Director walked through it like it wasn't even there.
"Your spells won't work against magic itself, Twilight Sparkle. Or myself. But I promise to teach you everything about magic when we reach our new world."
The Gold Baron jumped up. "Maybe I can teach you a thing or two. Like how to dance!" He scratched the record on the phonograph. The screeching noise distorted the song, creating an ear-piercing yet musical sound that was near deafening.
The Director scowled and grabbed her ears. "You used to wonder what friendship could be... IT CANNOT BE THIS!!!" She reached out with her hand and the Gold Baron shot forward, knocking over the record player. He flew towards the Director's hand like a magnet and she wrapped her fingers around his golden neck. "You are a curious toy. But I don't want to play with you."
The Gold Baron groaned. "It's just the same." The armor of his chest opened up. Inside, Philomena the Phoenix raised his wings and in a blinding flash of light, burst into flame. "I play to win!!"
"AAAHHH!" The explosion of fire burst from the Gold Baron's armor, setting the Director's cloak ablaze. "NOOO! NOOOOOO!!!" She jumped onto the Baron and began to claw at him madly, mauling him in a crazed frenzy as she burned. Like the pages of a time-worn book did her cloak burn and her body melted like a plastic doll. Her mane caught fire, her eyes burned into cinders and still she swatted, ripping at the figure's golden armor, rending it.
"STOP IT!!" Twilight blasted the Director out her window, a blast more powerful than even she had intended. The Director's form, whatever it had been evaporated into cinders before it hit the ground, disappearing into the nether once more.
The world started up again. The phonograph began playing a different song on the record now, something else entirely. Twilight walked over carefully to where the Gold Baron laid.
"Philomena?" Twilight asked. The ashes of Celestia's pet phoenix were everywhere. "Are you alright?"
The Gold Baron coughed. "I have... been better," he said. Piece by piece, the armor that made him began to pop off. The legs first, then the arms and the torso until just the head remained. Twilight had no idea what she was looking at until one of the arms grew tiny green legs and began to walk around.
Bewildered, Twilight lifted up the leg. And underneath it was an old and very dear friend. "Gummy?"
The baby alligator looked up at her. Silent as ever, he blinked, and she thought she saw the faintest outline of a smile. "Gummy? Oh my goodness, Gummy!" she grabbed the alligator and embraced him.
A pair of rabbit ears popped out of the other leg. And Angel Bunny soon appeared after them. He shook his head, a bit dazed. "Angel? Angel Bunny!"
The other armor pieces soon made their own presences known: Tank and Winona, both arms. Philomena rises from her ashes, shaking off what little was left. And Twilight embraced these three as well.
"You- you all... you all risked your lives for me," she hugged them tightly. They were her friends' pets, but her friends and theirs as well. They hugged back tightly.
"Had to... do something," the Gold Baron said, the last piece of armor speaking. "Do... something, do... something, do... something..."
Twilight and the others walked over to the helmet. "You..."
"Have... al-way-zzz... trie-d. To. Pro-tech-t you. You are... my friend." The helmet's face plate popped up.
"Owlowiscious!" Twilight grabbed it and her friend, holding both up against her tightly. The tiny owl was gripping the controls inside the helmet with his talons.
"Hoooooo..." he hooted weakly. "I. Am. Happy. You. Are. Saffffffffe. "Hoo... hoo-hooo..." he hooted again, and the machine translated. "Have. Always. Tried to lo-look out for you."
"I, I know, I mean- I didn't," she held him tightly. Her eyes began to blur, her heart hit her throat again. "It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay."
"Hoooo..." "I. Know. I... love you. Twilight. Love... you..." The lights in the machine faded.
Twilight held her friends and her friends' friends all at the same time. They sat in her room, holding each other tightly and cried. It didn't matter how much time had passed; for them, time might as well have stopped.
Now No idea where we are, but if I thought about it, it would probably piss me off
Sporks pelted the tram, pinging off it, some landing inside the carriage itself. Although none of them impaled Dan and friends, a couple landed on them and scalded.
"Gahh!" Dan yelled, a spork singeing his hair, "One of you, return fire!!"
"Okay!" Blast Fuse grabbed one of the pulse rifles and held it up to fire from cover. A spork struck it, knocking it out of her hooves and sending it clattering down the tracks behind him. She lowered her hooves and stared at them. "Well... at least an offering has been made to the Spork-god. Maybe she will accept it and cease her vengeance."
Dan growled, continuing to be pelted with spoons. "There are no gods in the tube of evil. How are we gonna stop her, catch her and then pummel her? Think, people, think!"
Phoenix's eyes gleamed with cartoony sinister sparkles. "We could create a shield from the sporks. Yes, and as Silver Spork keeps shooting spoons at us, we continue adding to it, until it reaches her! Or we create a tube... that changes the trajectory of the spoons, firing them right back at her! Heheh-haHAA!!" (*Car alarm sound, building being demolished, footage of Edgeworth, Gumshoe, Ryu, Doctor Strange, and Gozilla racing on Yoshis in the Kentucky Derby while ponies cheer in the stands*)
"I like where your heads at, Nicky."
"I am confused and a bit concerned by the inner dialogue line," Powdy said.
"Me too," Fusey added. "Also, it's Silver Spoon and she's shooting sporks at us. You got them mixed up."
"Did I?" Phoenix said, turning to the mare. "Or is that exactly what she wanted me to think? Are you working for her?" The lawyer's hair strangely began to resemble Dan's.
Powdey held Fusey tight, hiding under her sister's left wing. "I'm afraid now."
"It's okay, girls. Nicky is only beginning to tap into his Jerk-powers."
"Those don't exist."
Dan continued, "He must learn to control them, focus them."
"Stahp."
"I will teach him the ways of Jerkjutsu to balance his energy, the Dantra that flows through him."
Fusey and Powdy shivered together, holding each other tight. "I'm hoping we're not related to the title."
"THERE!" Phoenix yelled, pointing. "There you are!"
The two mares winced at first, then realized he was gesturing behind them. They turned around to see another tram catching up to them.
"Who the heck is that?" Dan asked, squinting as the figure approached. "Wait..."
"It's her again!!"
"It's Minty!" Dan exclaimed. In an identical tram racing towards them from behind, they saw former Captain Springer at the the controls, the words RIVAL APPROACHING flashing from a display. "Hey guys, look- it's-ARRAAAAH!" The tram rammed into them.
"Help! Middle management is abusing us!"
"We're too young to be de-rezzed!"
"It's okay, ladies," Dan said, standing triumphantly. "I've-"
"Got this!" Phoenix said, jumping in front of him.
"Nicky?! What're you-"
The lawyer jumped onto Springer's tram as it accelerated to bump them again. He stood on the hood of the tram, hands on his hips in heroic triumph. "I hope you don't object to my boarding!"
Springer stared up at him, confused. "I don't even know what that means."
"Well, understand this, then!" He leaped over her and landed in the cab behind her. "You are an incompetent paramilitary insurgent! And you are green in more ways than one!"
She shook her head. "I'm a what?"
Phoenix grabbed her by the head and slammed it into the controls, destroying them in an explosion of sparks. The tram shot forward, slamming into Dan's tram again.
"Nicky!" Dan yelled. He and the Blasties took the opportunity to quickly climb aboard the second tram. "Nicky, that was amazing!" The tram they were in continued pushing the other one, propping it up on its own hood. Oddly enough, this made the other tram as a perfect barricade between them and the barrage of sporks still being fired.
"Phoenix, you destroyed the controls," Fusey said.
"With Springy's face."
"Haha!" Phoenix laughed in a boastful fashion. "Exactly, my dear explosive equine friend! Now, with her head stuck in the panel, we can use her tail to control the tram and ram Silver Skeeter off the track!"
"I like that you made that reference, but I also hate that you made that reference," Powdy said. Fusey nodded in agreement.
But Dan was still beaming with pride. "Nicky, that's brilliant! Great job, Nicky, great job! Gimme a hug you ace face-breaking attorney!" Dan attempted to hug Phoenix, but missed and fell onto Powdy instead.
"Uh, boys?" Fusey said, getting their attention. She pulled on Springer's tail, tugging it left and right. "The controls aren't working."
"What?!" Dan exclaimed, getting up. "Hold on, I'm expert on these things. I'll see what's wrong." He marched over and forced the Blast Sister to scramble out of his way, grabbing the tail of his nemesis. Dan rolled up his short sleeves and wound her tail clockwise, but it made the sound of a broken pencil sharpener. Nothing happened. "Hmm... never had this problem before."
"Maybe her butt's out of order," Fusey said. "Smack her flank, see if that starts it."
"How would that work?"
Fusey shrugged. "It'd work on me. Phoenix, you're welcome to try." She rubbed her cutie mark and the Property of Dustchu label just above it, which was a picture of Dustchu winking.
Suddenly, the lawyer picked her up. Whether it was a feeling of euphoria from a moment of victory or some other rush of confidence, could not be said. But he looked deep into Blast Fuse's eyes and replied, "For you, I'd be only the most willing catalyst, my dear." He kissed her deeply. The mare turned red from mane to tail and melted in his arms. (*Romantic scenes, romantic music, Mothra being summoned*)
"I think I know what the problem is," Powdy said, poking Springer. "She's dead."
Phoenix spat out Fusey's tongue. "What?!?!"
"She ain't breathing," Powdy said. "I think you killed her there, Wright-o."
Phoenix's hair instantly went back to its usual spiked appearance. "But-but, no! I-I-I-IIIIII I couldn't, I couldn't-"
"Nicky!" Dan yelled, "How could you?"
"What?!" he stared at the smaller human. "You just said I did a great job!"
"That was before you killed someone, Nicky. That's not right."
The lawyer stammered frantically. "I-I-I, I didn't mean to! It was just an accident and..." he swallowed. "I WANT AN ATTORNEY!!"
Springer lifted her head out of the controls. "Uuuuooooh... what happened?"
"DIE, NAZI, DIE!" Dan yelled and bashed her with the gun.
"Dan! What the- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Phoenix yelled. "She was alive the whole time and you just killed her! AND YOU YELLED AT ME FOR KILLING HER BEFORE!!"
"That's completely different, Nicky!"
"HOW?!"
Dan shook his head. "Because I hold you to higher standards than that, Nicky. Honestly, what would our group look like if every one of us tried to solve all our problems with violence?"
Fusey and Powdy exchanged a glance. "I think it would look pretty much the same."
"More or less."
"I mean, seriously, you're just going to forget we make bombs out of thin air?"
"Because we do that."
Springer pulled her head out of the broken controls. Face scorched black and her mane full of clutter and machinary, she was banged up but very much alive. "Ouch... oh gawd, what happened?"
"MINTY!" Phoenix exclaimed.
"DIE, NAZ-" The lawyer stopped Dan from clubbing her again.
Phoenix grabbed the green pegasus and stroked her mane, pulling out the parts. "Oh thank goodness you're alive. Thank you, thank you so much." (Please don't sue me. Please don't sue me. Please don't sue Dan, me, the Blasties or any of our friends but please, PLEASE don't sue me.)
Springer looked back up as Phoenix petted her. "Thank you too, Samurai Jack. I love you~" she hugged him.
Dan frowned at both of them. "What a heartwarming scene. And to think, if I had some gasoline right now, I'd make it even warmer. Blasties!" He turned to them, "Give me something to immolate this from my memories! Manually!" But they were already gone. When he turned back to Phoenix and the others, he saw that the Blast Sisters had joined the group hug.
Springer suddenly shot her hoof out and pointed at Dan excitedly. "Ohmaigawsh! It's Curtis Armstrong!"
Dan facepalmed hard enough for it to echo over the sound of the sporks. "I'm going to go smash my head into the controls now."
Another tram approached from the rear. Flight Lieutenant Spinner gripped the controls in awe of what she was seeing. "Is this... should I come back another time?"
"YOU!" Dan leapt onto her tram.
She threw her hooves up. "Don't hurt me! Please, man, I just work here!"
"Get on the radio and do exactly what I say," Dan ordered. The other military pegasus complied.
Silver Spoon hadn't been paying attention to the minigun firing behind her for a while now. She was busy checking her stocks on eTrade on her silver-plated iPhone. Even as she was locked in a battle, one she may lose everything in, she was still micromanaging other parts of her business.
*BLAAAAMM!*
She turned around. Dan's tram behind her exploded, leaving only a cloud of acrid black smoke in its wake. Her face lit up and she was unable to keep herself from grinning at the sight. "Ha... HAHA! HAHAHA!" She turned off her spork-firing minigun and the weapon collapsed to pieces. Not a concern to her, though; the weapon had done its job.
Her radio crackled. "Umm, uh, ma'am? Miss Silver Spoon?" Spinner's voice came through, uncertain-sounding.
She picked up the transmitter. "Yes? Which one is this?"
"It's Spinner."
"Who?"
"Spinner, I'm with the Enclave."
"The what?"
"*sighs* Captain Springer's friend."
"Ohhh," Silver Spoon said, nodding though she only half-understood and less-than half-cared. "What do you want?"
Garbled voices came from the other end. "Uhh, we captured Dan and the other guys. They're uh... here. And stuff."
"Oh! You were the one that blew up their tram?"
More garbling, a pause, then "Yes."
Silver Spoon immediately stopped her tram and reversed it, nearly tipping it as it lurched backwards. "Excellent, excellent! You actually caught them? That's splendid! I'm going to have to give you a PROMOTION for this!"
"Uh... o-okay."
"I'll be back there in a moment. You hold tight now, you trooper you! You're gonna be the new employee of the month!" Silver Spoon said, delightedly. On the other end of the radio, a less-comfortable Spinner hung up without the customary 'over and out.' Silver's tram carried her back to the smoldering pile of metal that was the other tram. Two figures in hazmat suits stood on the parallel walkway that ran the length of the corridor and waved her over.
"Girls girls girls!" Silver said, jumping out of her tram, "You have done the company very, very proud. By ridding us of those two pale bipedal annoyances, you have assured the future of FIST and the Silver Consortium. You're both going to get SILVER Stars for this, with cluster for sure!"
The two suited mares exchanged a glance but said nothing. They nodded simultaneously.
Silver pulled out her phone. "I just tweeted about you eliminating Dan. Our stock jumped nine whole points and we're seeing a steady increase in investment- already twenty percent! This has indeed been a good day."
"Looks like your day is done, Spoony," Phoenix said, appearing from behind Sprinner's tram.
The silver-clad mare rolled her eyes but continued typing on her phone. "And of course, I have fallen for your trap. Should've known it was too good to be true."
"Uh... does this mean you're going to come quietly?" Phoenix asked.
"I don't appear to have a choice. At least I can manage my portfolio and try to mitigate this disaster with-"
Dan was less 'surprise/gotcha' than Phoenix was. The moment he popped up from the tram, he walked over with a simple, homicidal rage right up to Silver Spoon and smacked her with the head of his Pain Cane. He continued bashing her as she went down, beating the side of her head brutally, hoping to knock some sense into her.
"You squee! You squee squeeing squee! Squeeing squee squee squee of squee! I have squee squee with squee squee squee squee squeeing squee and a squee! You SQUEE! YOU SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE!" he yelled, a chain of expletives that echoed off the metal walls and down the tunnel. "AAAHAHH!" Dan punctuated the profanity with an angry yell and kicked Silver Spoon's limp form one more time before walking away.
"Holy squee," Phoenix remarked.
"Nicky, language. I expect better from you. Keep it English, no pardoning French," Dan said.
"I... understand," Phoenix said. (Does he just come up with this crap off the top of his head?)
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder, who had been in the hazmat suits, removed the helmets of said suits. "Meh, she got off easy," they both said simultaneously. "What do you want us to do with them?," they asked, gesturing towards Spinner and Springer who were tired up behind them.
"Blow 'em up," Dan said, going through Silver Spoon's tram. The Blasties materialized a plethora of bombs on each hoof, sporting silly grins.
"H-how about we take them with us?" Phoenix suggested.
"Errrggh," Dan groaned. "Fine. I just came here to rescue the CMC- I didn't realize we'd be recruiting Scratch and Grounder at the same time."
"Am I Scratch or Grounder?" Spinner asked.
"Yes," Dan replied. "So, Nicky, I guess you want us to not leave Spoony in here to be consumed by the righteous hellfires we are about to unleash when we blow this place, destroying her with all she has built in a fitting and just- you're not paying attention to me are you?"
As Dan was talking, Phoenix picked up Silver Spoon's limp form and put her in the back of her own tram. "Let's get going. We should deal with the core before Vice Grip or the Director comes back to see what we did to the place."
Dan nodded. "I have to admit, that is good thinking," he grinned, brandishing his cane again and added, "Back aboard the boom tram!"
"Woo woo!" They boarded once more and zipped off, leaving the wreckage behind them. There was no further pursuit as they continued the maintenance corridors to the core of the complex, continuing along the track. The shaft they were in encircled the entire core itself, meaning they were looking for a connection in the middle. But as they continued, they found multiple signs pointing towards the center, but indicating different things: ASSEMBLY CORE, GEOTHERMAL CORE, ARCANE CORE and CORE EXCHANGE(Boss) respectively.
Dan sighed at the last one. "Boss...that's a video game thing, right?"
Phoenix nodded. "Yeah, that's- hey, why don't you know this already?"
"I don't play video games."
"OBJECTION! You play Mario Kart! You played... well, you played my games! Once," Phoenix pointed out.
Dan shrugged. "Mario Kart's mainstream. I don't really consider it a video game, more like a party game video game."
"Hol- wait, how does that make any sense?"
"Second, your games didn't have bosses in them. Unless you count Professor Layton and Galactus."
Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. "The professor... if he was here now, he could probably help us get out of here."
Dan patted him on the back. "Of course he would. But I'm right about the boss thing, right?"
"Probably," Phoenix nodded. (And this would probably be a good time to save.)
"Alright then, let's try lucky door CORE EXCHANGE- BOSS thing," Dan announced. They hopped off the tram, the Blasties dragging the restrained prisoners behind them. The camera zoomed in on the two sisters concernedly.
"What?" Blast Fuse asked, tugging the unconscious Silver Spoon over a curb. "You don't expect us to actually carry them do you?"
"I bet if we had shovels, they'd expect us to bury them," Powdy added.
Blast Fuse tapped her chin. "Burying them... in a steel tube underground. I'm trying to think of a way that would work, not coming up with much."
"It's Dan," her sister replied. "He'd make it work."
"Good point."
The door to the core, or at least one of the doors to one of the cores was huge and high, almost like one of the doors connecting the maintenance shafts in the tram tube. In the event of an emergency, they could open up to reveal more tram pathways for easy access.
They continued through the hallway to the core. Monitoring equipment was near a couple of the doors along with lockers and containers, the usual setup for "evil repairs." Malevolent machines needed constant maintenance.
"Now remember, we're looking for what again?"
"Red signs, warning labels, anything that says DANGER on it or INFLAMMABLE and is red and explosive," Phoenix said.
"Precisely. Should be getting close to it," Dan said. They exited the room and entered another. But instead of red, they saw pink. "The... heck?"
"Don't you mean... oh..." Tubes and containers lined the walls from floor to ceiling. A length of tube ran from the wall on the other side of the room through the sides. They all glowed pink, pumping some kind of strange fluid.
Phoenix squinted. "Is that... the pink slime from Ghostbusters II?"
"The mood slime," Dan said. "That was the stuff from that evil day spa. It's some kind of... brainwashing chemical or something. You weren't here at the time, Nicky, but this stuff almost got to Twilight and the others."
"I remember you telling me about it," Phoenix said. "It appears we've found the source."
"Yet another reason to blow this place sky high. C'mon, let's hurry it up," Dan said, and picked up the pace through the room, followed by his friends. The next room they entered was dark, almost pitch-black. A light came from a corner of the door at the other end of the room, illuminating it more than the pink goo tubes and dimmed lights on the ceiling. But as they approached, it made them feel less comfortable.
"This... this is new. Gotta say, this is new."
"New for me, too, Dan. I don't like this."
The door in front of them had been forced open- from the inside. Like something out of a science-fiction horror lab, the jagged metal had been peeled back to the hinges, forced apart as if by something of monstrous strength. Jagged gashes were carved into the metal of the floor, too deep to be the claws of any of the largest dragons known in Equestria. So deep, Dan and Phoenix had to be careful to step over them. The sides of the door held ruined letters on either side, letters that had once spelled the word BOSS.
Phoenix looked at the gashes and swallowed. "It got out. The boss... it must have forced its way out."
"Does that mean..." Blast Powder looked around, scared, "that it's loose in the facility?"
"Watching us right now...?" Her sister grabbed her again. Spinner hopped over to join the hug, unable to walk because of the bindings.
"Okay, umm... new idea," Dan said, turning to Phoenix and the others, "We're going to go back. And we're going to get one of those tanks from the evil factory floor place."
"We're going to go all the way back to get a tank?" Phoenix asked. "You know what, that sounds like a great idea, let's get going." They both turned to the door to see the Blasties already trotting quickly back to the tube.
"I think they agree," Spinner said, still dragging behind them. "Hey, if I join your side now, can you untie me?"
"Let's get back to the tram first!" Dan yelled. They all began running out of the creepy core.
The doors back into the tube couldn't have opened quickly enough for them. When they did, Dan and the others had to stop again.
"Knight!" Dan exclaimed. "Ah, thank goodness you're here!"
The giant metal pony turned its head to them. "I decided you might need the help. Things haven't been going to plan, have they?"
"Not exactly," Phoenix said. "But this works out- we were just going back to get one of the tanks."
Knight tapped a hoof to her chin. "Ah yes, the Apocalypse tanks. What would you be needing one of those for?"
"We need some heavy artillery to take out the core. But now that you're here, I don't think we need to go back for one," Phoenix said.
"Convenient," the Magic Gear turned to them and lowered it's head, opening up its command cabin for them to board. "Come aboard and we can take care of the core together."
Phoenix smiled, relieved. "Thanks. I'm actually really happy that-" Something stopped him. He looked down to see Dan holding his cane in front of his chest to block his passage. Turning to Dan, he saw that the human was staring at the giant metal mech, focusing on it intensely, eyes unblinking. Phoenix understood... and suddenly felt his stomach sink.
"Say, uh... Knight," Dan started. "How did you get in here?"
The Magic Gear recoiled. "I don't know what you- I mean, that does not compute. Please rephrase your inquiry."
Phoenix's lip was trembling. Dan noticed, starting to sweat. "Your... your cutie marks. They-they've changed."
"Knight" looked at her flanks. "I, uh, uh, it is a result of um... an upgrade," she quickly explained.
"An upgrade?" Dan asked.
"Yes-err, affirmative. I swapped out my armor and my cutie marks for... new ones. Sir."
"How did you get your cutie mark?" Dan asked, trembling. "H-how... originally?"
The Magic Gear started to shake. "Uh-uh, I... umm..."
Phoenix looked right into her eyes. They glowed reddish-pink. "You're not Knight, are you?"
"IT'S THE BOSS! THE BOSS IS A CHANGELING GEAR!!!" Dan screamed and ran back through the doors.
Momentarily, the others stood there, stunned and looked to the Magic Gear to either confirm or deny the accusation.
"I, um... well... squee." The form of Knight shifted, becoming almost liquid-like and reformed into a giant pony-crab like creature with a scorpion's stinger and six sharp legs. It's head was still that of a filly's but with sharper teeth and glowing eyes. It had metamorphed into a giant nope. A 650-ton nope. "Guess there's no fooling you guys, is there? Hahahaha!"
The others yelped and turned tail, following Dan back through the doors. The colossal gear snapped its pincers at them as they fled. "Where are you going? Seriously, you're going to have the boss chase you back to the boss' lair? How original is that?"
"Squee you!"
"Batting hundreds for originality, aren't we?" VOLCANUS gave chase to them, intent on avenging its daughters.
Central: The Fiery InferNOPE Part 1- Sacrifices Were Made
"We should've known! We should've known there would be a changeling Magic Gear!" Phoenix yelled.
"Keep up, Nicky!"
"KEEP RUNNING, EVERYONE!!" (There's nowhere to go! Unless... maybe we can trap it!) Phoenix looked behind him. The door had shut behind them and there was no sign of VOLCANUS forcing its way in. "Wait!"
They stopped, looked behind them.
"There is NO WAY that thing lost us already," Dan stated. "That thing would have to be the dumbest machine ever designed by the dumbest scienti- okay, and now I believe it."
Phoenix shrugged. "Some bugs have poor eyesight. Maybe it's based on one of those?"
"It doesn't matter! Look around for anything we can use to kill a big bug!" Dan ordered.
The Blasties did as instructed, but did not do so optimistically. "Kinda doubt we're just going find a giant can of Raid lying around."
Phoenix focused on the doors, examining them with the keen eyes of an investigator. "Maybe we could trap it somehow. If we can get it stuck in the doorway, that might give us time to escape!"
"We still have to find something to blow up the core with! We need a weapon or... something!"
"Right, I'll look for something to trap it with, you look for something to blow up the core!" Phoenix said.
"Yes! You search those lockers, I'll search over by the redundant diagnostic computer that does nothing!" The humans moved to either side of the room and began tearing through things.
"Should we still be looking for a giant can of Raid?" Fusey asked. "I feel like I don't have enough information right now."
"Yeah, don't ask us or anything," Spinner said, heavy with sarcasm. "I only just work here, I probably don't know where anything is." Beside her, Springer had regained consciousness and began to struggle in her bindings.
Blast Fuse sighed heavily. "Ugggh, if I untie the three of you, will you promise not to try to run away?" The three captives, now fully awake and aware, nodded. "Okay, then, first-"
The door exploded open. Magic Gear VOLCANUS came spinning through the center of the room, pirouetting on her back legs. She faced Dan and Phoenix, both of them dumbfounded on either side of the room. "What? A lady can't make an entrance?" she asked, batting her mechanical eyelashes at them.
"Oh great and powerful crab-spider-pony-robot thing!" Blast Fuse announced. She held up Springer, still who looked cocooned in her bindings. "We offer up to you these morons as a sacrifice to your glory!"
"BAHAHAHAHA!!" Dan doubled over laughing. "YES! Sacrifice the idiots to the bug-mech!"
Even Phoenix giggled. "Heh, I'd find that funnier if we weren't in immediate danger."
Surprisingly, the Magic Gear actually considered it, rubbing the side of her head with a clamp. "Ya know, as tempting as that offer is, gonna have to decline. I'm kinda programmed to kill ya and whatnot, but I'm sure there's a deity somewhere that appreciates the gesture. WAIT-" she held up her claw, "I forgot there's no gods in the tube of evil. Guess you're SOL." She raised her claws to smashie-smashie them.
*PRRRSSSSSSSHHHHH!!*
Something stopped her. Metal eyebrow raised, she bent over to look at one of her back legs. Spinner, half-untied, was spraying her with a can of pesticide as yellow as she was. She sprayed it vigorously with her free hoof, coating her crab-like leg.
"I told you I knew where stuff was!"
VOLCANUS just looked at her. "Really?"
"This isn't doing anything is it..." the can slowly ran out and stopped spraying. "And I got the lemon-scented one, too."
"Did you really think it would?" the Gear asked. And Spinner nodded in disappointment. "You thought I'd have some kind of weakness to some random tool, like I'm some kind of boss out of Legend of Zelda? Hahaha, very funny." A hatch on her stomach deployed after it was loosened by the bug spray. Both mares stared at it for a moment before she carefully closed it with her pincer. "Kee-dokey, gonna ask ya to just ignore that."
Spinner chucked the can as hard as she could at the robot, but she missed.
VOLCANUS didn't even seem to notice. "Well, I do appreciate your attempt at pest control but I think you should leave the extermination to the pros. And on that note- hey, where are you going?" As VOLCANUS was talking, Spinner was involuntarily pulled by the tether still attached to her. She was pulled rather quickly away from the Magic Gear and out of the room.
Turning around, VOLCANUS realized that the Raid had indeed been used as a diversion of sorts, or at least that Dan had used the moment she was distracted in order to escape. "I should have been programmed to see that coming."
Dan ran back through the doors into the maintenance shaft, Phoenix, the Blasties and their captives trailing behind them. He hopped back into the tram and yelled at them all to board. They didn't even have to be told, but he did so anyway. He activated the tram and it shot away at full-speed.
"Where are we going now?" Phoenix asked.
"Away from here!" Dan answered, looking over his shoulder. "Back to the tanks! We'll each get a tank and hopefully that will... do something!"
"Why don't we go get Marksaline?" Blast Powder suggested.
"She fixed Lightning Claw," Blast Fuse added. "Maybe she could fix... or break bugbot?"
"And she's with Colress!" Dan said. "AND LIGHTNING! Electric boogaloo horse might be able to use his powers like a big bug zapper!" The picture of Lightning Claw powering an enormous bug zapper and VOLCANUS being drawn to it and fried by it entered Dan's head, much to his delight.
Another smash. The wall behind them exploded and out came Magic Gear VOLCANUS, yet again giving pursuit. She skated on her hind legs, keeping easy pace with the tram. "Hey, this bug spray is slippery enough to use as a lubricant! Thanks, yellow henchman pony!"
Blast Powder frowned. "Tie her up again."
Dan picked her up. "SACRIFICE THE MORON!!"
"EEEAAAAHHH!!!"
Phoenix face-palmed. "Dan, for tube's sakes."
"HELP ME, SOMEONE PLEASE! I JUST WORK HERE!!"
Central: The Fiery InferNOPE Part 2- Changes Were Made
"THANK YOU MISTER LAWYER!" Spinner said, her voice so high it almost screeched.
But Dan had other plans. "No, Nicky! At the very least, tossing off the dead weight will make us go faster and might slow that thing down! I'm thinking pragmatically! Aren't I?" he asked Spinner, still holding her aloft.
"I'M STUPID! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"
"Awww, sweetheart, you just gave me a reason TO kill you."
"But she made you "awww," Fusey pointed out. "You can't kill a cute pony."
"Eh," Dan replied. "We have enough cute with Chrys. And Fluffle," he added a moment after. "And Twilight and... you two, and so on, so we're at our cute quota." He raised Spinner up again, "Ditchin' the henchhorse!"
"OH GAWD PLEASE NO!"
Phoenix grabbed the captive Spinner and set her down. "Dan, focus. There's a giant robot crab-scorpion-spider pony bearing down on us and we need a way out."
Dan looked ahead. The tube stretched on in a cartoony sequence loop that made it evident that even the animation budget for the bad guys was incredibly cheap. Dan looked behind them and saw the robot still chasing them, skating towards them on its insect/crustacean-like legs. It was not in an animation sequence loop, probably because robots are expensive in every category, and was advancing on them, slowly gaining. It snapped its pincers at Dan's neck.
Dan looked back to the controls. "Okay... this one controls how fast we're going and this one controls the direction," he said. "Neither of which are helpful." He looked around at the tube they were in. Despite its massive size, there were no doors or pathways leading out now that they were on the main track yet again. Occasionally, they went through one of the glass sections but other than that, no exits. But it did give him an idea. "Quick! Hand me a moron!"
Phoenix's brain temporarily malfunctioned as the phrases "they're not morons" and "which one" tried to come out of his mouth at the same time. Instead, he asked, "What for?"
"Give me the silver one!" He grabbed Silver Spoon and pressed her face against the controls, "Utensil mare! Talk on the radio and make that thing stop chasing us!"
"Arrvv vrrrbb brrrmmbrrr," she muffled out.
Dan pulled her face off. "What?!"
"I can't control it," Silver said plainly. "We disengaged her from the core and let her loose. She's on her own now."
"Wonderful!" Dan sarcastically yelled. "ARRRGGH I AM NOT DYING IN THIS TUBE!"
Phoenix looked around, searching for ideas himself. "Our hazmat suits! What if we made it look like we were still on the tram, we distracted the mech and then jumped off?"
"Yes! Yes, Nicky, I like that idea. How are we going to distract her?"
Phoenix looked at their cargo. The thought of "sacrificing the morons" came to him again. Although he dismissed it at first, he realized he may have been quick to do so. He rubbed his chin and looked at the prisoners. "Take off your clothes."
The Blasties' eyes lit up. "Awesome! We're gonna get naked!"
"No, take off THEIR clothes. I have an idea."
"Ooooh, this is gonna be good," Dan said, rubbing his hands together maliciously. He and Phoenix crowded around the three captive prisoner ponies, their shadows casting over them to signify the darkness of their sinister plan.
Two minutes later, said plan was put into motion. Three hazmat suits tied together in a string smacked Magic Gear VOLCANUS in the face, momentarily obscuring her vision. "Seriously? If you think your dirty laundry is going to stop me from smashing you, you're going to need something a lot stronger than that." Just as soon as she removed the suits, Dan's underpants whapped her right between the eyes. "AAAAAAHHHH! DEAR TUBE GOD, WHYY?!!"
Dan put his hand on Phoenix's shoulder as the two watched the mechanical monstrosity flail behind them. "Not a bad plan, Nicky. Seen better, but not bad. Good thing I always wear at least two pairs of underwear just in case."
The Blast Sisters clapped. "Yayy! Now Phoenix, take your pants off!"
"Yes, please!"
"Haha," he blushed, "no girls, I think one distraction is enough."
"What distraction?"
"We can both be your girlfriend at the same time," Fusey whispered in his ear. Phoenix gulped in response.
"I've tied up the controls!" Dan yelled. "Everyone, get ready to jump off!"
Behind them, the giant mech was still trying to un-obscure its vision from the tiny pair of white briefs stuck on its armor. Fixated and disgusted, it pinched at its forehead where they were stuck on, desperate to remove them but to no avail. It still skated after them, but could not see them through the more immediate concern of undergarments stuck to its metal, possibly oozing Dan juices into its chassis.
Dan jumped off the tram, followed by the rest of them. They landed on the walkway next to the tram's monorail, thankful that as usual, evil lairs didn't have handrails to get in the way.
"Ah, there we go," Dan said. "She'll be chasing that yellow go kart now instead of us. Genius plan, Nicky."
They celebrated, with Phoenix breathing a sigh of relief and the Blasties twirling around, holding their hooves cutely as they spun.
"Uh, one thing, Dan," Phoenix said.
"What's that?"
"You did remember to untie Silver Spoon and the others before you tied up the controls, right?"
"Uhh..." Dan thought aloud, and slowly held up the twine they'd used to restrain their prisoners as he did so. It unspooled in his hands until finally it became taut. "Gonna have to get back to you on that one Ni-"
"DAN LET GO OF THE-" Too late. The cord caught them and yanked them back into the tram's monorail path. Wrapped around Dan's waist and, by extension wrapped around the rest of them, it began pulling them along the tram. Fortunately, this action of the line tightening dislodged the two Pulse Rifles from the bed of the tram, knocking them directly into Dan's path. Within moments and in incredibly-cartoony fashion, Dan and Phoenix were now wrapped in a bundle along with their friends, using the Pulse Rifles as a pair of skis.
"THIS IS INSANE!" Phoenix yelled. "WHY DO HORRIBLE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO US?!"
"I needed that second pair of underwear right now!" Dan yelled, his spine straightening as the ponies bound to him pulled him down.
"AND NOW WE'RE CLOSER! WE'RE CLOSER TO IMMINENT DEATH BECAUSE OF YOU!" Phoenix continued to yell.
Dan frowned at him. "We're not THAT much closer to it." Directly behind them, VOLCANUS was carefully peeling off the underwear with the edge of its pincer. Dan and Phoenix and their friends/foes were bound to them, all helpless as the two humans balanced on assault rifles, skiing through a tunnel of solid steel, being chased by a giant robotic crab-thing. The insanity, impossibility and sheer stupidity of the situation was not lost on any of them.
Finally, VOLCANUS dislodged the undergarment. "EWW. Ewww-ewww-eww. See? This is why people hate humans. You're all disgusting and your only real strategy is to just fly by the seat of your pants and throw things. Including your pants. But it's okay! Auntie Volca is going to end all your problems, and your species right now. So hold still." She raised her metal pincer and prepared to bring it down.
And that was when the tram passed the first mine. Because it wasn't actually touching the monorail, the mine wasn't triggered by the tram. Because the mine had been placed directly in the center of the track, Dan and Phoenix easily swerved with what little control they had to avoid it. But because her two back legs were actually skating on the rail itself, Magic Gear VOLCANUS actually triggered the mine and exploded.
"Aaauuh!"
"Ha! HahaHA!" Dan laughed.
"We're passing back over the bombs we planted!" Fusey cheered.
Powdy nodded. "And once again, we prove that explosives are the solution to all our problems."
"Yep," her sister agreed. "Didn't we plant like fifty more?"
"Oh boy."
Strings of the mines the two sisters had primed exploded as the mech raced over them in pursuit of the tram. Although they did not do much damage, they were at least annoying.
*BLAM-BLAM-BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM-BLAM-BLAM* *BLAM*
"Urrggh... ohhhhhggguh," VOLCANUS said, dazed. "Okay, fine! You set boobytraps on the floor, but watch this!" She inverted her legs and clamped onto the ceiling. Although she could no longer skate, she was at least keeping up with them. "You're mine now, vertebrates!"
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder, stuck together, looked up at the ceiling and the giant bug-crab creature still chasing them. They both knew what would come next. "We mined the ceiling right?"
"Eeyep."
"Hold onto your butts."
The first explosion barely made VOLCANUS lose her balance but the next five in a row almost had her dangling. By the time the last one hit, she fell hard... and in to the next string of mines the Blasties had planted, which was actually their first.
The explosions shook the tube, causing the metal to fracture and bend with heat. After the final mine exploded, the tube broke. The world at the end of the tube dropped and Dan and company screamed as the tube the tram was pulling them through now crumpled like a soda can and dropped into the complex below, with them and VOLCANUS still in it. The tube landed among several Soviet submarines, knocking them out of their assemblies. They had landed in the middle of the weapons factory floor.
Central: The Fiery InferNOPE Part 3: Plans Were Made
Explosions rocked the walls of the complex. The vibrations made it difficult to stand and keep running as Colress led Marksaline and the others down the hall.
"Uhh, I'm all for helpin' Dan out but..."
"Pretty sure he wouldn't want us running TOWARDS the explosions," Apple Bloom and Scootaloo commented respectively.
"This place is not safe."
"There won't be ANYWHERE safe if we don't realign the core! Now, MOVE!" Lightning Claw barked. Lights in the corridor were starting to flicker- evidence of power fluctuations all throughout the base. Sweetie Belle kept watching the ceiling, scared it could come down at any moment. Colress and his Magnezone seemed to know where they were going, though the explosions became more violent as they ran.
"Stable-Tec would like to remind you that removal of the thermo-arcanic reactor core may cause catastrophic meltdown when not shutdown in safety mode. Please return the thermo-arcanic reactor core to the primary generator housing in the core control room before overload can occur and annihilate the planet. We apologize for any inconvenience. Stable-Tec: A Better Future- Today."
CORE DETONATION: 11:58.42
Applebloom looked up, as if seeing the last announcement hanging above them accompanied by a countdown clock in large red letters. "Wait, did that say somethin' about blowin' up the whole planet?"
"That's exactly what I just said would happen!" Lightning yelled over his shoulder.
"The energy here is seething. The magic is angry, violent, disturbed.," Marksaline said. She seemed to sense something the others couldn't, a constant change in the environment to which only she was privy. Her horn continued to glow, giving the hallway a reddish light as they continued.
Sweetie Belle shrugged. "At least they apologized."
"Just keep running!" Diamond Tiara shouted. Having been released, she had discarded her armor and had returned to her usual filly self, minus her namesake tiara. Full-gallop, they burst through a set of double doors at the end of the hallway.
Colress in the lead held his hands up to stop them. "Hold up. Something's not right here."
"I'll say..." Scootaloo remarked.
"MYYY STUFFFFF!!" Diamond Tiara exclaimed, bursting from the hall. "My investments... my resources... MY COLLECTIBLES!" She fell to her hind knees at the sight of the smashed weapons, warships and armored vehicles in front of them. "THEY'RE ALL RUINED!!"
The weapons factory floor, or what was left of it, was directly ahead of them. Although the corridor they just ran out of had been appropriately sized for people, the room they were in now looked like it had been constructed by giants, for giants. Massive conveyor belts towered overhead and storage racks of weapons, vehicles and all manner of military machine was stacked around the floor.
Almost on the ceiling, the tube running throughout the facility had broken and fallen through one of the conveyor belts and onto the floor itself, smashing to pieces in the process. Several Soviet-era nuclear submarines had been knocked over in the process. They resembled colossal bath toys they had fallen out of some great tub.
"MY STUFFFF! MY BEAUTIFUL STUFF!!" Diamond Tiara pounded the floor with an errant hoof, distraught.
Lightning Claw shook his head and walked over to Apple Bloom. "Hey, uh..."
"Apple Bloom."
"Apple Bloom, you think you could uh... tell Dan about this?"
"About what?"
He pointed to Diamond Tiara. "I've been dealing with this since I was captured and reprogrammed and I haven't been able to talk. I'm just thinking maybe he'll be... sympathetic."
"Uhh... I don't think Dan does sympathy," Sweetie Belle said.
"I've seen him hate something and sympathize with it at the same time," Scootaloo added.
"Yeah, me too," Dan said, pulling himself out of the pile of debris. "Like PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT ME... WHEN I'M RIGHT OVER HERE..." He yanked Phoenix out from the metal pile. Both men were covered in bruises and bailing twine. They removed the latter.
"And where have you all been?!" Dan asked angrily.
"Dan!!" the CMC exclaimed in unison and ran up to hug him.
"Dan and Phoenix!" the Blast Sisters sprang up from the refuse and lovingly latched on to their favorite humans.
"Dan and Phoenix and everypony!" Spinner also materialized from the wreckage to embrace her new friends. But Dan wrenched his hand out from the hug pile and blocked her muzzle. Hug-blocked, it's like... yeah, I don't need to explain what that is.
"No! Begone, unpure moron!" Dan held her in place as she flailed at him.
"Dan, c'mon," Phoenix said, pressed against Dan by the Blasties, "she just wants inclusion."
"Well, why don't I just find the part of this factory that makes neat packages, so I have something nice to put it in when I finally give a *Special Marksaline Squee*," Dan replied. "She tried to kill me. No hugs."
"Oyh neffu trie a kiuh yoo."
Dan rolled his eyes. "Alright, you've never tried to kill me, I get it. We've heard enough muffled-muzzlespeak now that I can actually understand it. So, if wasn't you, it must've been just Scratch all those times."
"Awww," Spinner lowered her limbs in defeat. "Ay wannu buh Scraaah..."
Springer crawled her own way out of the pile- both snuggle and debris. "You don't have to worry about me... hugging you." The ex-Enclave officer adamantly refused cuddles of any form. Naturally, this was sensed by Marksaline. The CMC, Diamond Tiara, Colress and Magnezone all floated by her, levitated in luminescent red and black auras. Springer watched the stream of characters in front of her until finally she, herself was lifted up along with them, realizing only too late what was happening.
"Group hug." Marksaline's voice was a combination of voices repeated over multiple frequencies; she could be felt as well as heard. She, along with the rest of the ponies and the other human and Pokemon came together in a single, quasi-appropriate embrace.
Dan, at the center of the mass, had one arm aimed towards the ceiling as if he apathetic at being slowly overcome by a snuggle-based horde of unconditional, involuntary love. "I just want you to know, though I like SOME of you, I still hate ALL of you."
"Aww, equally?" Fusey asked.
Dan shook his head, what little of his body he could move. "No, no. I don't even hate you all equally- some I hate a lot more than others. Lightning."
"Don't I feel special."
"Springer."
"Back at ya, biped."
"So can we PLEASE STOP WITH THE HUGGING NOW?!" Dan ripped through the aura and threw everyone off of him. "Fine, we're all friends now and everyone who's ever opposed me or just wants to come can join the JERK."
"JERK?" Sweetie Belle repeated.
"Just Everybody trying to Restore the Kingdom," he drew a line under his shirt's logo. "Speaking of, big bug bot is in here and we have to make sure it's squished. Nicky!"
Phoenix nodded and handed Dan his Pain Cane. "We wreck everything until we find the rogue Gear?"
"What? No, that's Plan B. Breaking things is always Plan B, Nicky."
"I thought we were on B. It's all right, we got it." (I have to admit, the letter system really does help understanding the plans.) "So we're on A for Analyze?" Phoenix asked.
"Very good, Nicky. Investigate and find the bot. Seek and destroy."
"Right on it," he said, grinning. (I'm allowed a little joke now and then.) With the two humans in front, they began searching the massive factory floor.
Silver Spoon gradually slipped to the back of the group with Diamond Tiara. She too, removed her armor and reverted back to filly form.
"Magic armor?" Apple Bloom asked.
"Eeyep," Silver replied, even discarding her glasses because of their lack of lenses. "And a bunch of other dreams come true... if it weren't for you guys."
"Here we go..." Scootaloo remarked.
"My father has stalk in FIST," Silver said, disdainfully continuing anyway. "When Blueblood went... loopy and you guys took him down, we knew it was only a matter of time before we were next." Stalk is the pony-equivalent to stock, or shares of interest in a company. The Stalk Market was essentially the same as the one on Earth- a delicate system of entrepreneurship based on investment, risk and reward. It was no secret that the crisis that had befallen Equestria had a significant impact on the economy, but like the country itself, it was beginning to bounce back.
Like Earth, Equestria's economy was driven by that one most cherished and inexhaustible resources: hope. Although Dan and company had only paid passing attention to stalk prices or the investors and businesses they represented, Dan's constant buying and direction toward upgrading and building things had helped rebuild the economy. Unfortunately, not every company had benefited, including the one Dan was vehemently against. Facing bad publicity, a lack of investors and the declining market, Future Integrations Stable-Tec had sought the only financial option left to them: the black market.
"So that's what all this junk is for?" Sweetie Belle asked. "You're planning on selling all of this?"
Scootaloo sighed heavily. "As if you two aren't rich enough already."
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon exchanged a glance. "Bfff-ahahaha!"
"Oh, they just don't get it, do they?"
"Nnnope."
"Why do you guys need more money?" Blast Fuse asked.
"Because FIST is in the process of being nationalized," Springer answered for them. "Assets are being seized, business shutdown. And there's not much we can do about it," she said. She glanced at Scootaloo. Secretly, Springer was more than just a fangirl; she was a character in a Fallout: Equestria story. Like Colress and the plethora of weapons around them, she had been summoned from a work of fiction tied to a parallel universe to fight on the Director's behalf.
"Wait a minute," Phoenix stopped her, "Who is nationalizing FIST?"
"You guys are," Silver Spoon answered.
Phoenix shook his head. "No one's nationalizing FIST. Dan!"
"What?"
"Are we nationalizing FIST?"
"Natio-what?" Dan turned. "Oh, like... taking over the business stuff? We can do that?"
"Apparently." (Though I have no idea how.)
"Oh... should we do that?"
The ponies shook their heads. Phoenix was reminded that although they were being used as a corporation trying to take over the world, many ordinary ponies worked for them. They could attack the evil, as they were doing and might be able to take down more if they did nationalize FIST. With Twilight's permission, it might have been possible... but it would mean ponies might get hurt in the process. That was something none of them could condone. "I don't think so, Dan."
"Alright," Dan said, and continued on. Sacrifice in the name of the greater good was sometimes necessary... but it wasn't his decision to make. To force that sacrifice on another, well... Phoenix looked at Lightning Claw. Enough crimes had been made in the name of the greater good. Somehow, he knew the new indigo alicorn understood that with his fixed horn. It was time to heal.
"Okay then," Phoenix agreed with his partner. (Potential crisis averted there, I think.) He turned back to Silver Spoon. "None of us here authorized anything relating to FIST. So clearly, somepony did. I'll ask again- who is nationalizing FIST?"
Before she could answer, something rumbled behind them. One of the submarines seemed to come to life. "Guys, I think we have a winner!" Dan announced. But then another sub started shaking. And another... and another...
"Uh... Dan?"
"This might be a problem."
"You might call it that," Magic Gear VOLCANUS' voice said. "I prefer to call it an upgrade. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!" The weapons in the room turned in unison to face Dan and the rest of them.
Phoenix swallowed. (Oh great... she has Magneto powers. Where's Chris or Cap when you need them?)
Central: The Fiery InferNOPE Part 4- Escapes Were Made
The following chapter is brought to you by Squeedible.
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The previous joke has nothing at all to do with the story. Neither does the following scene.
Vice Grip's boots were heavy, but he had to keep running. He was exhausted, the sun beating down on his head as the desert stretched on endlessly in every direction. Still, he ran, gasping for breath.
He looked over his shoulder. It was still behind him.
"Oh my god... OH MY GOD NO!!" A tidal wave of pink fluff rolled across the desert, towering so far overhead as to cast an enormous shadow. The wave of fluff eclipsed the sun over head.
Vice ran as fast as his legs could carry him. The shadow on the ground caught up to him. He turned around. "No... no... NOOOOOOOOO!!!" The wave of pink fluff crashed down on him with a mighty 'thpppth.' "AAAAAHHHH!!" The scientist was carried away by the soft fluffiness, an ongoing sea of snuggles that continued rolling on.
And now, Part 4 of NOPE
The guns, turrets, cannons, gun barrels, everything that was a weapon or could have been used as a weapon glowed with a red light on it somewhere and aimed directly at Dan and his friends. Even the Soviet nuclear subs deployed their own weapons and opened their torpedo bay doors, despite the fact that their torpedoes were not designed to function outside of water. Phoenix suspected it was just for show and probably wouldn't matter; the rest of the arsenal was more than enough to vaporize them. And he was right.
"Okay," Dan began, "one of you is going to teleport us out of here."
"I never learned teleportation magic," Powdy's high voice, not quite as high as her sister's, chimed in.
"Chris... and Cap..." Marksaline said. Her mouth didn't always move in time with her words. Nor do her voice give sound to said words every time she spoke, especially now. Yet her thoughts were known to those around her if she did not wish them concealed, the echoes of a whisper resonating inside the mind. It was as if she communicated beyond space and time. Her horn glowed with a twisting, spiraling aura of red light.
"Dan!" Phoenix exclaimed, "What about a shield ball?"
"Shield ball? Oh, like back at the fort against the hippies! Yes, Nicky!"
"Powdy, can you make a shield ball?"
She shook her head, frightened. "N-nothing I could put up could take all of this..."
CORE DETONATION: 2:35.47
"Oh, perfect," Phoenix remarked at the red letters above them. "Just in case we survive the current Cold War surplus onslaught, the whole place is going to explode."
"What are you talking about?" Dan asked. "That's great! At least that's one problem out of the way. Now, we just need to deal with the whole survival issue and then this place will blow itself up. We don't have to find the reactor core now."
"Oh, I am the reactor core," VOLCANUS' voice said. "Don't worry; that warning just plays whenever I disconnect from the central chamber. It's no biggie."
"Phew." "Oh, thank the big C and L." "Well, that's one problem solved." "Hngggrrrrr..." "EUULLGH!"
They all breathed a collective sigh of relief, except for Dan who proceeded to strangle Silver Spoon, prompting Phoenix to separate the two. We all have our ways of dealing with problems.
"So why haven't you killed us yet?" Fusey asked point-blank, as the guns were about to fire on them at point-blank.
"Yeah, 'bout that, see, my programming doesn't want to fire on Madame Silver Spoon, Mr. Lightning Claw and Miss Diamond Tiara, seeing as how they're FIST VIPs and all. Them targeting systems are a pain, amirite?"
"To be honest, Knight did have the same problem with Vice Grip," Phoenix remarked. They all huddled around Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, even Dan.
"Nicky, let go of my hands."
"I can't. You'll strangle Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Springer, Lightning or... all of them, somehow if I do." (Not that it matters. We still have to find a way out of here!)
"Now Nicky, how would I even do that?"
"You'd find a way."
Dan nodded sternly. "Indeed I would. Now leggo."
"No."
The turrets, guns, and missile/torpedo tubes tracked them, turning left and right as they tried to line up a shot that would kill Dan and his friends while sparing the captive fillies Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. The gun barrels let out a collective, mechanical sigh.
"Alright, Ima just shoot near the edges of your little cuddle pile there and the splash damage will do the rest. Hey bosses?"
"HELP US!!"
"Workin' on it. So yeah, ya might get a little singed on the edges."
"DON'T SHOOT!" Diamond Tiara yelled.
"Yeah, that was just a heads up. Already committed on this. Okay, here it comes. You might feel a little heat."
"Oh boy."
"There has to be something else," Phoenix said, looking around frantically. He searched frantically, his mind searched frantically, hoping desperately to find the answer among his thoughts or the room around them. (What haven't we thought of? What is there left?! WHAT CAN WE DO?!)
*Clang! Plam!*The cannon fired before anyone could answer him... but it didn't fire in their direction. Because something hit the side of the twin barrels of the Apocalypse tank before it went off, causing the shell to fire off away from the lines of tanks, hitting a Kirov instead.
"What?!"
"What the...? Okay, not cool!"
They all saw at the same time: the flash of red white and blew, the spinning disk, and the man who caught said disk in midair, landed on the ground in front of them, and turned to say, "You realize this isn't the best time for a group hug, right?"
Dan pushed everyone away from him, causing them to fall down. "Stevie!" he exclaimed.
"And, it's Dan," Captain America, aka Captain Steve Rogers said. He looked over Dan's shoulder and gave a nod to the other human behind him. "Hey, Nick."
"Stevie!" Dan said, coming closer. Cap extended a hand and the shorter human grabbed it with both of his, shaking it ecstatically. "Good to see you, buddy! What brings you here?"
"A lot," Cap replied, "and I'll have to explain later. You ready up there, Chris?"
"Almost... got it," Chris Redfield, an American anti-bioterrorism soldier, lined up a shot with his rifle and fired. The bullet ricocheted off the wing of a Twinblade gunship and hit one of the sprinklers on the ceiling. Because most of FIST's construction followed video game rules, the fire suppression system triggered upon being struck. The sprinklers activated, causing an almost instant torrential rain-like downpour onto the occupants of the huge room.
"If only it was ever that easy with Umbrella." Chris repelled down from the submarine storage racks to land, iconically and symbolically next to Captain America.
"Chris!" Phoenix exclaimed. He got up from the pony pile with the Blast Sisters still clinging to him.
"Redfield," Dan snarled at the brown-haired human.
"Hey... Dan," Chris greeted. "Nice to see you... again."
"Wait wait wait wait," Phoenix stopped them.
"Yes, Nicky?"
Phoenix gestured to the two new humans. "So you know Captain America AND Chris Redfield? Do I have to ask how?"
Dan shrugged. "There's not much to tell. I did some contract work for S.H.I.E.L.D and Umbrella back in the day. Me and Chris-different Chris, buddy of mine, worked on the Helicarrier and did the drywall at Spencer's Mansion. Also did the glass in the Aqua Ring in their lab. Nice place," he turned to the ABT agent, "Before Redfield blew it up."
Cap held up a hand as other mouths were opening. "As nice as this reunion is, can we please get somewhere safe?"
"Not quite!" Dan declared, raising his cane, "We still have a bug to find! Stevie, come with me and Nicky- we're going Gear huntin.' Redfield, watch the ponies."
Chris shrugged. "Why me?"
"Because you're the one with the gun. And by the way, YOU STILL OWE ME!" Dan yelled.
Chris turned back to the ponies. "I kind of have an idea what he's talking about. So, who are the ones I need to watch?" he asked with his rifle.
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, all of them except for Diamond and Silver scooted to the other side and pointed at the two fillies. "Great, thanks. Why is the purple one flying?"
"I'm... kind of permanently electrified, don't really want to touch the floor," Lightning Claw said. "We should also probably try to get out of here... before the room fills up with water."
"Right, I'll get the door," Chris said.
The room was indeed filling with water, though being so large, that process was taking a while. Still, the new problem was finding the rogue robot before the whole complex was flooded. High above them, the broken tube was beginning to pour water into the room as well. The fire suppression system had triggered throughout the facility.
"We're going to be swimming if we don't find this thing soon enough," Cap said.
Dan looked over at Phoenix. "Nicky... why are you using your umbrella in here?"
The lawyer had his makeshift weapon open. He smiled bashfully. "I didn't want to get my hair wet."
Dan frowned. "Really?"
"It takes a lot of gel to get it like this, Dan." (And a careful, precise amount of brushes.) The Blast Sisters were no longer clinging to him, but they were swimming in adorable pony circles around him. Fusey used her wing and Powdy used her horn and the two pretended to be sharks. "Girls, can you please do this some other time?"
"We have dibs on you and Cap," Fusey replied.
"Okay, this is taking too long!" Dan announced. The water was above their waists now. Dan, being shorter, was getting drenched faster. He hopped up on one of the tanks. "Bash everything! If she's shapeshifted into something else, we'll find her by breaking everything else in the process if we have to!"
"Dan, that's going to take far too long. This room will be a fish tank by then."
"Actually, he might be on to something," Cap said. "If it's using stealth technology, it might react to damage." Without a moment's hesitation, he threw his shield. It rebounded off one tank, then another. The disk bounced off the side of a Sickle and launched upward. Cap jumped up, caught it, landed and sent it flying down a row of armored vehicles.
Dan had a more direct approach. He leaped from one machine to the other, pummeling the armor with the head of his cane before leaping off to the next.
Phoenix kept an eye out for any reactions. "I'm not seeing anything down here, but the red lights have gone off. I'm guessing she's stopped controlling them remotely."
"Keep your eyes peeled just in case," Cap said.
"You know me, Cap," he said back. And of course, given the situation, Phoenix couldn't help but indulge just a little himself, humming Singing in the Rain as he walked through the soaking aisles of weapons.
The rapid clangs of metal against metal rang out constantly, but Magic Gear VOLCANUS was nowhere to be found. Phoenix looked down at the water. If it knew they were after it, it probably wouldn't stay in the same place. And that meant it could have been-
Phoenix jumped out of the way just as the clamp came down.
"Ah, a smart one, are you?"
"DAN! CAP! She's behind us!!"
Central: The Fiery InferNOPE Part 5- Attempts Were Made
Phoenix scrambled to raise what little weapon he had against the metal bug beast. But rather than follow up the failed ambush with another attack, she clamped her pincers together and glared. As Phoenix watched her, she faded into thin air, disappearing as her stealth systems activated again. Unlike the other Magic Gears they encountered, it appeared VOLCANUS did not announce her attacks before striking, an inconvenient upgrade indeed.
Dan ran up to Phoenix's side. Captain America leaped on the tank a moment later.
"You saw it, Nicky?"
He nodded. "She's not hiding- she's stalking us."
"Really? Well, nuts," Cap remarked. "I hate fighting smart machines."
"Ultron?" they both guessed who he was referring to.
He shrugged. "Ultron, Nazi robots, vampire robots... vampire Nazi robots..." he made it clear he could've gone on. "There's a line between man and machine. It makes it difficult fighting a smart A.I because you never know when and where they're gonna cross that line... if they ever do."
"Well, these ones can cross it- trust me, we've trashed two so far," Dan said. The three of them formed a triangle, backs against each other, weapons raised.
"Watch the water," Phoenix cautioned. "That's how I caught her sneaking up on me the first time," he said, looking around. "It's lucky she doesn't just wait for the room to fill with water so she can snatch us when we run out of room to stand."
"Don't give the boss ideas, Nicky!"
Meanwhile, on the other side of the room...
The double doors broke open and water from the room immediately drained out... only to connect with the rising water from the corridor beyond.
"Oh, that's just great," Chris Redfield said.
"That hallway will be flooded by the time we get halfway down it. Same with the command center," Colress informed him.
"Zzzzzonnneee..."
"We need to get out of here!" Springer said. She and Spinner took to the air. "Everypony with wings, carry somepony without. We'll get out using the top tunnel."
Spinner looked at her long-time friend. "Boss, did you just suggest we actually help these guys? Dan's friends?"
"Don't remind me."
"Uh, if you're wet, I probably shouldn't touch you," Lightning said, rising and trying to keep himself dry.
"Magnezone can help, everyone else, grab on!" Colress called. The fillies all climbed on the magnetic Pokemon and he slowly began to levitate higher off the ground. Spinner took Colress and Springer grabbed Chris, together lifting them up to the broken tube high above.
Applebloom looked around. "Wait, where's Marksaline?" Sweetie Belle pointed up at the open shaft. The red-black Marker pony was already there, watching them.
"We are being watched."
"Yeah, what else is new?" Scootaloo asked.
"Going somewhere?" A net engulfed all of them, even as they rose to safety. It ensnared all three would-be fliers and began dragging them down.
"Aahh!"
"Errgh!"
"Why so eager to leave just because of a little shower? We've got plenty of bath toys! Let's clean you up!" Magic Gear VOLCANUS had launched an net from its hybrid crab/scorpion/spider/whatever rear end and positioned its head around so it was pretty much bent in a U shape. It used its pincers to pull on the netting, even as the others flew to try and escape, dragging them back down to the water.
"HEY!" Lightning yelled, "You know what they say about electricity and water?" He charged his hooves with cracking electricity. From his horn, it wrapped around his hooves seamlessly, fully under his control now until it formed two spheres for him to hold.
"I was actually unaware they said anything. Let me guess- something about them not mixing?"
Lightning shrugged, grinning mischievously. "Ya know, I'm not entirely sure myself. But I think you might find this enlightening. And by that, I mean en-lightning."
"We're really going back to the electric-based puns?"
He clapped his hooves together. A beam of lightning, not a ray or a bolt but a solid beam of electricity and power shot from his hooves the moment they collided, an explosion of raw, focused lightning power. This was Lightning Claw's power in his complete form- not instability, but energy controlled, refined. Although his name was Claw, his nature was not truly that of a savage; a claw was a tool first and a weapon when needed.
Lightning was proud of his control over his powers. Finally, something he had achieved after all this time, thanks both to himself and his friends. His belief in himself and his belief in the kindness of others had allowed him to finally master his strength.
And this cliche'd morality moment lasted about half a second until Lightning realized what he'd done.
"BLRRRAAAAAGGH!!"
"AAHHH!!"
"EEEEYAAAAAAHH!!"
The screams of his new friends and allies were nearly deafening. The moment Lightning's lightning hit Magic Gear VOLCANUS, it traveled through her and through the water-soaked net she launched and into its captives, electrifying all of them.
Lightning felt almost as bad as when he'd both gained and lost his horn. "Oh my gawsh... guys, are you okay?"
VOLCANUS shrugged. "I'm fine, thanks. Not sure about your friends, though."
Lightning Claw flew down to them immediately. "Oh gawsh, oh gawsh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"I-it's okay, ouch," Colress said. "Magnezone here absorbed most of the shock."
"Zooo-zoooonnnnnee..." The Pokemon's eyes were dazed, but not quite swirly or big circle-Xs, which would have indicated he had fainted. Unfortunately, checking on all of them left Lightning vulnerable to another fact.
"Still here," VOLCANUS said from behind him. "And I'm still going to neutralize all of you, sparky. Really, never take your eyes off the boss, scrub." The Gear grabbed the alicorn before he could react.
"Gaah!" He yelped in pain as the metal squeezed his midsection, but he restrained his powers. He couldn't risk shocking them again.
Once again though, fortune did not favor him. "Ya know, you might make a good battery. You got any juice left?" VOLCANUS shook him rapidly.
"AH-aaa-AH-aaa-AAHH!!" Lightning couldn't help it- his horn lit up, loosing sparks from his body.
"HA! You're just like one of those flashlights you shake to charge up. I would use the name, but Shakelight is actually copyri-oh, dammit I just went and used the name. Oh well." She started shaking him again, violently until he lit up like a lightbulb.
"Oh boy." Chris swallowed.
"Magnezone, Endure. ENDURE!!"
Magic Gear VOLCANUS dunked Lightning in the water. His electricity surged across the floor like someone had dipped an exposed wire into it. For Chris, it was actually a reminder of the time he killed the Neptune by electrocuting it. Would've been a time to say "good times" if Chris wasn't experiencing exactly what that mutated shark had experienced all the way back in RE1. Now it was more like karma.
Lightning's electricity was so strong it actually reached the other side of the room. But it did more than that.
"Oh crap," Dan said, watching his friends get electrocuted. "She's using the live wive like a... a live wire!"
Phoenix swallowed. "They're gonna be turned into fishsticks if we don't do something soon."
"I'll get Lightning!" Cap called. "If we get him, we can save the others!"
"Hey guys," Blast Fuse said. "Mind if we make a suggestion?"
The three humans turned around. One of the Typhoon-class submarines was directly behind them and Blast Fuse was waving at them out of the hatch.
"Yes?!" they all three asked.
"Bee-seven!" Fusey yelled. The submarine launched a torpedo.
Although not quite submerged, the torpedo launched right out of the tube and landed in the water. It activated right in front of the tank Dan and the others were standing on, but quickly turned to avoid them. A red light on it blinked under the water, allowing the three of them to watch it as it traveled out around them... between the racks of Soviet weapons, between the tanks and towards its target.
"AAAAHHHH!" Lightning screamed. His own electricity was shocking him, with his adorable fur having absorbed so much water.
"Oh, lighten up, would you?" VOLCANUS said, dunking him again.
"Hey! Lightning and lightning bug!" Dan yelled.
VOLCANUS turned to Dan. She noticed him just in time for her eyes to go wide as the torpedo sped towards her.
"WE SANK YOUR BATTLESHIP!!"
"Boom."
*BRRRAAAAOOOOOOMMMM* The torpedo exploded, blowing Magic Gear VOLCANUS to pieces.
Central: The Fiery InferNOPE Part 6- You Could Have it Made
The smoke cleared as Dan, Cap and Phoenix swam/trudged over. The water level was getting too to walk, and so they relocated to yet another one of the nearby tanks. Dan and company recovered their friends and together, they got on one of the submarines.
"I think Lightning shorted himself out," Colress said. "Magnezone, can you give him a boost?"
"Zzzzonneee..." the Magnet Area Pokemon cried weakly.
"I suppose he's not the only one," the scientist commented. He returned Magnezone to its Poke'Ball, and then pulled out two others. "Klinklang, Metagross, we need you now."
"Klinklang-klink-Klingklang!."
"Me-TAAAAgross!" The two new Pokemon appeared and immediately were apprehensive of the water, both surrounding them and falling on them. Steel-types, like Rock, Ground and Fire-types were not the biggest fans of getting wet.
And Dan wasn't a fan of holding back. "You've had two more and it just occurred to you now to use them?"
The scientist sighed. "I have an answer to that question, but I doubt you'll like it."
Dan shrugged. "Fair enough." After that, a moment of silence followed, before everyone realized, starting with Applebloom, that,
"*Gasp* Dan, did you just... not-argue with someone?" His friends slowly turned to him, some in curiosity and others in disbelief.
"Why are my responses always so fascinating to you people? WHY DON'T YOU ANALYZE YOUR OWN LIVES FOR ONCE?!"
"Aaaand, he's back," Phoenix said, checking his watch. "Almost twelve seconds. That's a new record."
"Congratulations, Dan!" The fillies- the CMC and now Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon- gave him a hardy series of back-pats together. Dan waved them off.
"Don't remind me. It's been kind of a long day, involving more cardio than I'm used to. I'll be back to yelling violent, furious obscenities every five seconds once we get back to Ponyville. Starting with REDFIELD!!"
"You can just call me Chris if you-"
"Did you open the door exiting the room?"
Chris looked back at the double doors. Water had almost completely engulfed the doorway, pouring out of it and into the room rather than the other way around. "Yeah. You told me to."
"Wrong," Dan said, gesturing at the taller, muscular human like he was a peon. Which, because Dan, he was. "I told you to watch the non-combatants. Nicky!"
"Enlighten the rookie?"
"Bingo. Proceed."
"Right," Phoenix spun Chris Redfield around and pointed him back at the doorway. "All right Chris, let me explain. Crusaders, where are we?"
"Evil underground-" "-weird, creepy, wet-" "I have no idea," were the three simultaneous answers he received.
"Precisely," Phoenix said, turning to Chris. "Mr. Refield, you broke Dan Plan E protocol U- Underground."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning, that when you're trapped in an evil, underground layer, the PRIORITY is always with the highest routes," the lawyer pointed up. "And you had one you neglected."
The fillies nodded. "And he broke general guidance rule five and nineteen," Sweetie Belle added.
Redfield shook his own head in disbelief. "General guidance... what? There's rules now?"
The ponies plus lawyer, plus scientist, even the Pokemon nodded. Lightning Claw, who had been revitalized by Klinklang's electric attacks, nodded as well.
"Rule Five: Always thoroughly evaluate all options before proceeding and Rule Nineteen: Always check beyond doors before opening or closing, especially in a rapid-exit scenario," Scootaloo explained. "It's in the hand/hoofbook."
"There's a handbook?"
"Hand/hoofbook," she corrected.
Captain America popped up from the hatch. "With this whole place flooding, our best bet of getting out of here is in one of these subs. It looks like when FIST evacuated, they took these tunnels all the way out to sea, so we should be able to follow them."
"Wait, out to sea?" Dan asked. "So the underground base connects to an UNDERWATER base?"
"Canterlantis," Silver Spoon said. "The sea ponies and the Arcane Gears are there building Phase 3."
Springer rolled her eyes. "They don't know what any of those things are. Spinner, you speak bipedal idiot, explain it to them."
"Okayyy... uhh, so Canterlantis is like Canterlot. But underwater. And it's freaking huge, like a giant starfish-shaped city built out of this really cool coral reef and there's all this stuff and they have a really great restaurant that-"
"Spinner-"
"Sorry, sorry. So anyway, the sea ponies live there and their society is like super-super high-tech and futuristic. They found this city a long time ago called Rapture and it had all this stuff there and they've been using that to build ever since. Oh, and the Arcane Gears are like really big battleship Magic Gears but there's only two of them and Phase 3 is a the focusing lense on the surface," Spinner said, squee-smiling at the end. "Am I on the good guys side now?"
Dan rubbed his temple. "You're gonna have to say that again and... slower, when I'm not tempted to just rip the silver one's limbs off and beat her into a carpet with them."
They heard something loud clank from overhead. Colress, among the others, turned to the metal Pokemon. "Klinklang?"
"Kling?"
The Pokemon looked back, curious at its scientist master. It was clear neither Pokemon had made the noise.
"Oh crap, what now?"
"Above us!" They saw the silhouette before they really could confirm, but they all knew what it had to be.
"How the heck is that thing still kicking?!"
"Did you miss me? Well, I've got a little news for you."
"Oh, crap." Swinging down from the ceiling came Magic Gear VOLCANUS. Not only was she unscathed, she was now wearing an oversized top hat and wielding a piece of metal debris as a cane. And she started singing.
To snatch victory from the jaws of defeat would be something majestic It would be the most delicious thing that the hopeless could taste With each bite, they'd forget every time that there mouths went neglected~ How could anyone tell them that this free meal was going to waste?
In a single swoop, VOLCANUS snatched them off the deck of the sub with its claw.
With incredible power, I was constructed with singular purpose Every moment I'd spend underground to accomplish this goal But I know I can do so much more than to complete this focus~ Yet forever with my mind programmed, I am bound to this role!
I can build anything I could ever want and there's nothing I don't own! But I'm stuck underground in this warehouse, completely alone!
If you thought I was some Legend of Zelda boss, consider yourselves corrected! Any hope of victory you had by now is certainly misplaced And although my armor, weapons and design are far from perfected I'm still nothing like anything else that you fools ever have faced!
"AAAAhhhhhHAAAA!!"
She swung around, pirouetting on her insect/crustacean legs during the interlude, spinning and twirling while holding them captive. The speed of her spins and dips was like a rollercoaster to Dan and the gang, the force of which they all felt. They could barely even struggle against the tight metal pincers holding them in place, the dizzying pace at which they were whipped being too disorienting.
To see a light at the end of this tunnel would be awful majestic~ It would be the most beautiful thing that this place ever produced Like flies drawn to anything bright, you would run to inspect it And before long, you'd realize it wasn't like you had deduced!
If you're searching my frame for a weak spot, we'll you've probably missed it~ There was never anything there, in the first- *BRRRAAAAAAAAAMMM*
VOLCANUS was blasted by another torpedo. The bug bot was flung backwards, dropping her prisoners into the water.
"Gah... uhh... ugh," Dan grunted and groaned as he scrambled to climb onto yet another Soviet tank.
"Why... why do they always sing?" Phoenix asked.
"Vice Grip... built them to both destroy... and construct a new Equestria... when he finally blows up Earth," Lightning Claw answered. "The Director, she... added singing. So that they'd have something to do... while they worked. More productive."
"Sorry that took so long," Captain America said, helping them back onto the submarine. "We ran out of torpedoes. Had to reload them... manually. With Blast Powder. And actual blast powder."
"Alright, everybody, into the sub," Dan announced. "Let's get the heck out of here before it comes back. With any luck, we can just ride the submarine out of here and the bug won't chase us again... underwater."
"So we're retreating?" Phoenix asked.
Dan nodded. "For now, Nicky. We'll get Knight and then bust this place apart from the outside. With any luck, that's the last time we'll see the bug until we-"
"There! She's there, up high!" Apple Bloom pointed. Magic Gear VOLCANUS, seemingly damaged, but difficult to tell, was struggling to pull itself into the tube near the room's ceiling.
"SHE'S TRYING TO GET AWAY!!" Dan yelled. "STEVIE! Get more torpedoes, everyone else man a station!!"
"We're not retreating now?" Redfield asked. "Just a second ago, you said-!"
"GET IN THERE, ROID MONKEY!" Dan stuffed his friends through and into the submarine. He grabbed the hatch, yelling "DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!" before shutting it. The remainder of the massive room quickly flooded and the submarine rose to the top. Carefully, Captain America piloted it through the tunnel and out. Magic Gear VOLCANUS was heading back to the core.
"The Red October," the entire group answered. They were all doing something important, or at least trying to find something important to do in the Soviet sub.
"And it's not the only one of them any more, apparently," Phoenix added.
"It makes sense," Captain America said. He and Chris were at the helm, steering the sub, a task that required some amount of upper body strength. "FIST has been teleporting ideas from 1980s Earth. The Red October was the first of a special type of submarine equipped with a Caterpillar drive, a propulsion system that made it almost invisible to radar. The Soviets built more than one before the project was abandoned when the USSR collapsed."
"But wait," Chris stopped him. "Red October? That movie was released in... like, 90-something, I think."
"It was... but the book was released in 1984," Phoenix said, rubbing his chin. (Books from the 1980s? Is there some kind of connection there?)
"It doesn't matter where any of this crap came from, it's ALL about to be destroyed," Dan declared. He was manning the periscope in a style reminiscent of both Popeye and Steam Boat Willie, the latter of which he imitated last episode.
"Boim... boim... boim..." Blast Fuse consistently made the sound of the submarine's sonar while sitting at the sonar station.
Lightning Claw hovered over to both the Blasties. "Do you two really have to do that?"
"We don't have to. But it's fun!" they answered simultaneously.
The alicorn rubbed his hoof against his forehead. "I used to wonder why ponies followed Dan. Now, I think I have my answer."
The two shrugged. "Humans are cute, Dan causes explosions. Don't overthink this, neon."
"We're gaining on her!" Dan yelled. "Nicky! Get a torpedo ready!"
"Right," Phoenix said, looking over the weapons console as he sat down. (My Russian's a little fuzzy but I think the red button with the picture of a torpedo on it fires torpedoes.) "Okay, the target-button must be some kind of automatic firing solution finder, and then the green one must mean reload."
"All of the controls on all the vehicles and machines have been simplified, makes them easier to sell," Silver Spoon explained. "Most of this stuff was summoned; the factory was just to build additional munitions and ammo, and store and modify stuff. Boy, did we make a lot of money."
"Eeyep, and VOLCANUS has transferred all our funds and closed our bank accounts," Diamond Tiara said, scrolling through her diamond Iphone(which also had a tiny diamond tiara of its own). "Stocks have plummeted, too. Looks like we're back to being just regular rich instead of super-rich, Silv."
Silver Spoon frowned. "Does this mean I have to go back to being your henchpony?"
DT grinned. "Well, I may need you to reapply, but I'm thinking of adding a partner position. How does that sound?"
"Hmm, I'll have to talk it over with my people," Silver said, also smiling. "But I think we can work out something mutually beneficial."
"I'll buy you some new glasses."
"Deal." They shook on it, ever the business fillies, and once again best friends.
"But wait," Apple Bloom said, "if y'all summoned all this junk just to sell it..."
"Why didn't you just summon a big pile of money?" Scootaloo asked.
"Yeah," Sweetie Belle added. "It seems like that would be a lot easier."
The two adorabullies rolled their eyes. "Because, troglodytes, that would destroy the economy."
"You can't just poof money into existence. That would cause massive inflation," Diamond Tiara explained. "Gold, diamonds-"
"Silver."
"And silver, to a LESSER extent are all valuable-"
"Very valuable."
"-because they're rare," she said. "There's not a lot of precious metals and we keep a close eye on the supply. The less of it we have, the more valuable it becomes and it's worth more money. So making more of it would be like counterfeiting and would end up hurting us and the market in the long run. That's how inflation works- increased supply, lower value, lower cost."
"Yeah," Apple Bloom said, "but y'all said you were summoning it. So that's like, you weren't makin' more."
"You were just taking it from some place else," Sweetie Belle said.
"Because, stupid," Diamond Tiara condescended, "we're only accounting for the supply of currency, goods and materials in this universe. It's a separate market."
"But didn't you say you had stocks from other universes, too?" Scootaloo asked. "Because that would mean you're already accounting for other universes. You're getting richer in each universe by making money in each universe, when you could've just stolen the money and gotten rich on a multiverse scale."
"Yeah," Sweetie Belle said. "So why not just teleport a bunch of gold in here instead of a bunch of missiles and bombs and stuff?"
"Because," Silver Spoon said. Although she was high and mighty for a moment, said moment quickly faded and she looked to Diamond Tiara for an explanation. Her friend's nervous eyes mirrored her own lack of adequate answer. "Shut up."
The CMC laughed. "You guys aren't business tycoons- you're just bad thieves."
"All of you, shut up and help us squash this giant bug!" Dan shouted. "If you're gonna summon anything, summon Vice Grip here so I can shove my fist into every part of his body! I'm going to punch him in places you don't think a fist can go, but I'll find a way! Oh boy, will I FIND a WAY!!"
"Hawt," Powdey said.
"Very Hawt," Fusey concurred. "Also, Boimmm..."
Phoenix looked over at the pair of them. "Is there anything you two aren't into?"
They both smiled wide and replied back, "Therapy!"
Phoenix facepalmed. (Walked right into that one.)
But! That's not all the Blasties aren't into. Let's do that scene over!
Episode 16, scene 67, take 2
Phoenix looked over at the pair of them. "Is there anything you two aren't into?"
They both smiled wide and replied back, "Pearlshipping!"
Phoenix facepalmed. (Walked right into that one.)
Not bad, but we can do better. Spool it up again!
Episode 16, scene 67, take 3
Phoenix looked over at the pair of them. "Is there anything you two aren't into?"
They both smiled wide and replied back, "Nnnope!"
Phoenix facepalmed. (Had to ask.)
Perfect! Alright, onto the next scene!
The submarine continued pursuing the malevolent bug machine but they were struggling to keep up. Every time Phoenix tried to get a target lock, VOLCANUS rolled, shot forward, or changed position all together in the water. Her multiple legs, although tiny, thrusted in unison and continued propelling her at a steady rate towards the core.
"I can't get a lock! I mean, the button's not lighting up!" Phoenix said, pressing the yellow button.
"She's reconfigured her shape for underwater travel. Curious," Colress commented, looking through the periscope.
"Colress?"
"Give me some space."
"Ah yes. Excuse me."
Dan looked through the scope again for himself. The swimming machine almost taunted them with the way it swam, like a synchronized swimmer going through their routine. It was that skilled.
"Magic Gear VOLCANUS was designed with both scorpion and lobster specifications," Lightning Claw explained. "It's capable of operating in any environment and constructing any kind of weapon or vehicle. It had to be to build the Sea Pony Magic Gears."
"Well great, we'll break out the lobster traps and bug spray and- wait, did you say Sea Pony Magic Gears?" A crash reverberated through the hull of the sub, preventing anyone from answering Dan's question. Several more crashes rocked the boat afterward, knocking the fillies to the floor.
Marksaline suddenly appeared in a flash of red light. "They are singing."
"What? What does that mean?"
Another pulse, louder this time. "They are singing. But not for long. Soon, they will call for help, though none will come."
"What is she talking about?" Phoenix asked. "What is singing? Help with what?"
"It's... the Sword Spells," Dan said, still peering through the periscope. Outside the submarine, they had entered the area where the Swords... or now, the Markers, were being stored. The section of the tube in this area had been completely destroyed; the submarine simply entered the now-mostly flooded cavern. The Markers were all glowing brightly, and strangely enough no water touched them. It flowed around them, as if the laws of physics no longer applied in their vicinity, swooping along in loops of and cascading swirls. Spheres of water ballooned and hovered between floor and ceiling.
Phoenix looked through the scope for himself, followed by Colress and even the fillies, lastly Blast Powder and Lightning Claw. Marksaline seemed to be dancing, but no music was heard. Not by anyone else, anyway.
"You... red Chrys," Dan said, pointing at Marksaline.
Chris Redfield turned around. "Yes?"
"Not you. You," Dan said. "You know what they are, where they came from. What they're doing. Don't you?"
"I can hear through them. Their voices... their songs. When they are collected, they are louder."
"I get it," Dan said, nodding. "You made these things, didn't you? The Sword Spells?"
"Swords... and Markers. The Sword strikes... the Marker signals. They are not the same. She wants to destroy everything, destroy everything so she can start over. Make something new to save the old, but then it wouldn't be the same. It's not the same. They are not the same, never will be the same, not in that way, any way. She wants it, but she hates it, so there are Swords and Markers. The Sword strikes... the Marker signals." She spoke quickly but no one understood her. Her horn glowed.
"They... what?" Dan shook his head, nearly flabbergasted. "The things. The bombs. Outside. What are they doing?"
"Wait," Phoenix held up a hand. He walked over to Marksaline, checking his magatama briefly. It wasn't glowing. "Okay... what if I told you that she... whoever it is you're talking about, wants both? She wants both? Does that make any-"
Marksaline's horn light blinked. Her eyes then blinked... one at a time. "Both, yes. She wants both but can't have both, because there's always been more than one. There were four before this one and she broke them all, because she had to. But now, she's tired of all this and... and... she wants both."
"Both what? BOTH WHAT?!" Dan demanded. He stamped up in front of her, getting in her face. His own face was illuminated briefly by the red glow, then it faded.
"The best of both worlds." Marksaline's voice changed, taking on a more emotional tone. It was the first time she hadn't sounded stoic. But it wasn't better-sounding to any of them. She raised her hoof, for the first time seeming like she was coherent. "Oh my. She really does, doesn't she? She wants the best of both worlds... she wants it more than you can know. And she doesn't really love you." Marksaline's voice changed again. Suddenly, everything felt very cold.
"Dan, you might wanna-"
"Who? Who is she?"
"The one you've always known," Marksaline said... except it wasn't Marksaline any more. The hoof touching Dan's cheek had molded, slowly transforming into a withered, white hand. It was like ice on is face. Suddenly, Dan realized he was looking at a familiar face. And it was too late to step back. "The Director. The puppetmaster. The Faceless One who drives you ever on. She loves you very much... but not in that way."
Dan swallowed his fear. He tried to grab the hooded figure but his hands passed through her, for a moment he couldn't even feel them. For the brief moment his fingers passed through her cloak, through her body, his hands felt like they were somehow far away, somewhere cold and dark where only shadows could reside, a place of perpetual blackness and terrible fear. A breeding ground for nightmares... a universe made out of them.
"I've always wanted... to protect you," the Director said. She clutched her chest, coughing, struggling to take in air. "All of you. I even tried to get Twilight and the others to bring you here, make you safe but there are things even I can't account for." As she spoke, the Director's form flickered between Marksaline and the Director. She clutched her ears.
Dan was about to strike her, but Phoenix put his hand over Dan's chest, holding him back for a moment at least. "Why?" the lawyer asked. "Just tell us why. Please."
"I love you! They make me destroy everything because they cannot every time! Everything, everything I build, broken and wiped away like it had never existed in the first place! Left alone, broken and discarded, I am left with only memories! Memories, which I hold onto at the price of everything else!! I just want you to make us whole again. I just want you to MAKE US WHOLE AGAIN!!"
The lights in the sub faded briefly, leaving them all in darkness, but they quickly returned. When they did, Marksaline was collapsed in front of Dan, her horn no longer glowing.
Dan stood up and brushed himself off. "So creepy horse is a fangirl. Mystery solved; the evil chick in the hoodie behind all this crap is a fangirl and she wants to keep us all forever. Aren't I just a hit with the ladies?"
The rest of the cabin was silent. Even the Blast Sisters had stopped mimicking the sonar.
Silver Spoon stepped forward. "That's what she told us. She was trying to protect Equestria. It seemed like she was convinced something horrible was going to happen, something none of us could stop and the only way to stop it was to make another Equestria, to save us all. Because this one is going to be destroyed."
"She said that she was forced to destroy everything... because "they" can't," Phoenix said. "So, she's trying to save us from herself."
Dan shrugged. "I still say she's just a fangirl. Or a fanboy. Or fan... whatever-the-hell-that-thing-is."
"The Director is... an entity," Lightning Claw said. "That's what she told me. Her real name is CLEO- Celestia and Luna's Enduring Omission. A sister separated from them at birth. She's like... a spirit that represents Equestria, the life force of the planet. But she has to use other things to maintain a physical form."
"Sounds like Gaia," Captain America said. "Or some sort of other godlike being."
"Bah, she's a fangirl. A fangirl with freaky-deaky powers and witchcraft and garbage but a "spirit representing a planet" wouldn't be trying to save a bunch of random people," Dan stated. "She'd be trying to save herself, the world. Like Captain Planet or something."
"We're fangirls!" the Blast Sisters announced. "But we're good fangirls. We'll be satisfied getting into the Fun Cave with Phoenix. And others."
(I swear I am THIS close to filing a restraining order.)
"Peh," Springer said, making her presence known for the first time this update. "She's both. She wants to destroy Equestria and make another one at the same time, saving you guys in the process. And apparently, she doesn't give a crap about me."
"Or me," Spinner added. She threw her hoof around her friend. "At least we have each other."
"It's very curious," Colress said, pacing. "But, from what we've gathered, the Director is not one to dedicate... itself to a single option. She cultivates multiple plans, not unlike us."
"Not unlike me," Dan clarified. Whether out of pride or acknowledgement of the unsettling similarity, none could be certain. Perhaps both.
Diamond Tiara shrugged. "She promised us a fat stack of cash and the ability to build our own planets. Pretty sweet deal, to be honest."
"Wait, "planets?" Phoenix asked. "Planets? Not planet?"
The two fillies exchanged a glance. "Yeah, pretty sure planets... not sure how, but she took us to places and made it seem like she could pull it off."
"Hey, if anyone cares? We're entering the core," Chris announced.
"The doors to the core are closed," Colress said.
"What button do I press to stop this thing?"
"Nothing," Dan said. "Full-steam ahead! Smash right through the door! If they want to make new planets OR blow up this one, they're going to have to go through us to-" The submarine smashed through the doors to the core. Beyond it, VOLCANUS was waiting for them.
The Core of the complex was not what any of them had expected. Even Lightning Claw and the others that worked there were bewildered by what they saw. The cavern beyond the flooded tunnel they emerged from had no water, yet the submarine they were in floated any way, as if the change didn't matter. The Core's chamber was more massive than anything they'd seen before: it could have fit the entire country of Equestria within it and had room to spare. Only the illumination of magick'd magma on the floor far beneath them, spreading all the way to the far end of the room allowed them to see that far.
The ceiling was covered in water that seemed to disregard the normal laws of gravity. It rained in glittering droplets that glistened like diamonds as they fell, reflecting the light of the magically-glowing orange magma as they descended. The core itself was a crystalline cone-shaped structure which stalactite'd from the ceiling like a massive insect hive. It descended less than halfway to the floor, with an opening at the bottom. This may have been where VOLCANUS was hiding; like an ant in an ant hill.
But none of these things were as stunning to the occupants of the sub than that which dominated the room. In the center, in the middle of the room and just underneath the hive structure was a universe. Not a galaxy, not a planet, not a portal to another world, but a universe. Or at least, one that was forming.
At this point though, Dan was less impressed and more pissed off. The others, however, were still impressed.
"Is that..."
"Yes," Silver Spoon answered, a little in awe herself. "I wasn't sure they'd actually be able to do it but..."
"They're building another universe. They're actually building another universe," Phoenix remarked.
"They're building another freaking universe," Dan stated flatly. "Big whoop. Perhaps one of the biggest whoops in the... universe, but a whoop it is. And that bug is still getting a whoopin'. So, how do we abort this baby universe?"
"Uh, is it really okay for us to make a stance on abortion?" Phoenix asked. (Honestly, whatever people decide on that one, just don't involve lawyers. Please, don't involve your local attorney's office.)
Dan pointed through the periscope. "That thing is pure evil! This isn't a me vs. pro-life vs. pro-choice thing if it's evil!"
"How do you know it's-"
"It's dark and stormy and full of spooky crap and suspended over a lake of lava!"
"Magma."
"So that makes it evil!" Dan declared.
"That's really a broad definition of evil. I mean, you had rainbow moats installed around Cloudsdale and from what I know about you Dan, you wouldn't exactly be the first guy to turn down a giant machine reactor suspended over a lake of magma," Phoenix said.
Dan glared at him. "Stop aborting fun, Nicky. We are going to exorcise this demon universe right out of the heart of Equestria! Man your station."
"Is it an abortion or an exorcism now?" Redfield asked. Captain America, next to him, gave him a hard look and shook his head.
"YES!" Dan yelled. "Demo pones, fire torpedoes!"
"Firing exorbortion missiles!"
"Don't call them that."
The torpedo tubes on the submarine opened, a pair of torpedoes launched, but they never even came close to their destination. Ignore the fact that they were fired by a submarine, underground, in midair; they simply didn't come anywhere close. They got close to the new universe, or whatever it was that was swirling and forming, and they were transformed into a tiny series of sparks. The sparks then came together in a single, swirling ball of energy that was then absorbed by the universe, swallowed by the mass of darkness and light.
"Um... not sure, but I'm gonna say that looks like a fail," Blast Fuse said.
"How can you see it? You're nowhere near the periscope," Silver Spoon asked.
"There was no boom followed by celebration," she and her sister said, shrugging. "Even we can't use the fourth wall as an excuse for everything."
"Well, we can, technically, but where's the fun in that?"
"They never even came close," Phoenix remarked, sharing part of the periscope with Dan. (It's like this new proto-universe is a sponge, absorbing Equestria's magic and...) he looked at the edge of the room. Markers were lining the walls, all pointed towards the center. And they were glowing. (They're trying to use summoning magic somehow to change the new universe... or control it, somehow.)
"The bug didn't even bother coming out of the hive. We're gonna have to get closer," Dan announced. "Bring us up to the ceiling, Mr. Stevie and Redfield! Get us above that horrible hurricane of horrors!"
Apple Bloom watched as Dan and the rest of the crew struggled. It wasn't easy, being unable to do anything, unable to even see what was happening. She stayed close with her friends, and even Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara. They had come here, humans and ponies, to save them. Watching them fight was inspiring, uplifting and even nerve-wracking all at the same time.
She looked over to Marksaline, their new friend they'd met while imprisoned. Apple Bloom was worried to still see her on the ground. "Hey, Marksaline?"
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle joined her, the latter of which tapped Marksaline's shoulder. "Are you okay?"
"So... loud..." she muttered. "They call... they call to them..."
"Who? What?"
Marksaline's eyes shot open. "THEM! THEY LISTEN NOW!!"
"Dan," Phoenix said, "she's not even paying attention to us."
And to her credit, Magic Gear VOLCANUS was not. The giant spider pony's claws dipped into the swirling mass of the new dimension, vanishing into the disc of nether and almost, reaching into pluck out orbs that might as well have been new planets. Each glowed like the magma below only with new radiant colors, the cores of new worlds. VOLCANUS examined them one at a time; some she discarded, others she placed into the core structure above her.
In truth, each "orb" was not a planet, nor a star but a possibility. Each gleaming ball of light was an idea coming to life, or that could come to life, breaching the fabric of reality itself if given enough magic. There were countless different ones- the bad ones like the possibility of nuclear war or disaster were removed, the good ones like powered flight or a favorite song were added to the core assembly. When finished, the core would then provide the necessary energy to ignite the universe, to give it its start by firing it through an eruption. The universe would then expand and annihilate everything in Equestria's current universe.
VOLCANUS was crafting the DNA blueprint of the proto-universe. Everything that would happen was already being dictated by the cores, the possibilities. Meticulously, VOLCANUS worked, sifting through near-infinity to craft a perfect new Equestria.
The massive, metal bug-creature pony looked up at the approaching submarine. "Ah, come to see my work? I'm afraid this symphony is a private show and if you choose to stay, I can't be held liable for what will happen to you."
"The squee is that thing even talking about? We're about to wreck your little finger-claw-whatever painting, so prepare to get hit with a fiery, blank canvas as we fire point-blank at your canvas!"
The Gear rolled her mechanical eyes and continued. "Come now, you can hear this, can't you? Listen... listen to your children. Listen to them as they... yearn. And burn." She placed another orb into the core and it lit up.
"She's making more than just a universe, she's sending a message," Colress said. He was transfixed on the datapad on his arm, going through numbers and lists. He looked up at the submarine's own instruments, which only confirmed what he already knew. Magnezone and Marksaline could hear it, could feel the message she was sending.
"I... I think I hear it, too. Or... or a I feel it," Lightning Claw said. His hoof raised to the side of his head, he hovered down on the ground, struggling to either listen or block out the sound he heard all together, anything to just resolve it.
"What is it?" Apple Bloom asked. "Y'all can hear something we can't. What's it saying?" Outside, VOLCANUS continued to pluck orbs, the universe turning beneath her, the core pulsing above and the Markers all glowing. Energy surged from floor to ceiling in the massive cavern, bolts of lightning and fire that heralded the beginning of creation and the end of the world at the same exact time.
"The king... the queen... they...... they listen..."
VOLCANUS raised her hooves, speaking into the swirling broth of dreams. "Mother and father, hear me! Your children make this solemn call! By their power, they have reached the heavens where you reside! I beseech thee, listen!"
A bolt of lightning echoed from the chamber, exploding from top to bottom. The light of the magma vanished into blackness. The lights of the core were and the submarine were the only things that remained.
And then, a single light emerged in front of the core.
"Child of my children, why do you beseech us? The cry of your voice does not fall upon deafened ear, why does your call echo with such ferocity?"
"HA!" Blast Fuse and Blast Powder laughed. "We got it!"
"Because, it's like she's calling... nevermind."
"They already got it."
"Yeah, I saw."
"Child of my children, voice of my cherished offspring, your song does resonate on high. Tell us now why you would have need of us." The light spoke. It was beyond that of any signal, beyond that of any feeling, like the fabric of space and time were but pieces of paper that this voice weaved through to reach the intended listener. Like a stone impacting the water's surface, every syllable created ripples that pulsed and moved throughout, carrying the feelings and intended meaning of every word spoken.
If the proto-universe was being used as a phone, it was as if heaven itself was answering the call.
"Oh! Uh, yeah. Sorry... again, this is like, just wow, meeting you guys. Are you really Tia, Lulu and Cleo's parents?"
"We are Eternal and Everlasting. You reside within our domain as a creation of our charges. Know that we are the King and Queen of Equestria, for now and forever more. By our grace does your world know light, life and love. By our will does your world know direction, discovery, definition. By our rule did your world know peace, progress and prosperity. By our power does Equestria know harmony... and by our judgment do you know condemnation."
"C-condemnation?" VOLCANUS asked. She made the mech-equivalent of a swallow. "Uhh... yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Equestria needs you, we need you to save us! The planet is going to be wiped out, the majora is here! She doesn't want to use her power, but the fate of Equestria is-"
"You would ask us to save you." It was not a question. They all knew that.
"Umm... yeah?"
"As you were created with singular purpose, so to were those whose voice you echo. Yet like them, you fear this duty for what it shall render you when done. Child of my children, you need not be afraid. It would avail you not; your fate is sealed, duty-writ and absolute."
"Umm... oh crap." It was then she realized her mistake. Or at least, the Director's mistake.
"Child of my child, as you echo your creators, we echo ours. You are correct in your assessment that Equestria's end is nigh, but you call to us as if we would give our aid to you. Yet our judgment remains; you are forsaken, child."
"Your parents hate you, too."
The light disappeared and the magma suddenly 'turned back on.'
"Holy crap..."
"That's... new," Captain America commented.
"Did... did the gods just tell us we're screwed?" Redfield asked.
"Y-yeah," Phoenix nodded. "In more words, yeah."
"Wow," Blast Fuse was stunned. She and her sister held each other, almost feeling Dustchu's presence as he watched over them, both frightened and feeling helpless. "At least we still have each other," Powdy said. "And Dustin."
"And Dustin," Fusey nodded.
"Dan...," Phoenix began, "I think things just got... a lot more complicated," he turned. "Dan?"
Dan walked in from below decks. "What are you guys doing just standing there?" He was carrying a bunch of diving suits.
"Did you hear anything that was just said? What pretty much the King and Queen of Equestria just said?" the lawyer asked.
"Kind of," Dan said, setting the suits down. "It was really loud and I felt like my teeth could hear it but I kind of wasn't paying attention. But that doesn't matter- we need to get off the sub."
"Do you just do things and try to find out if they were good or bad LATER?"
"Wait wait wait wait!" The "former" bad guy ponies- Spinner, Springer, DT and Waffen SS rushed up to Dan in a cartoony fashion. "You can't blow this place up!"
"Yeah, think about all the cool stuff that's down here?"
Dan frowned. "You have a bunch of creepy missiles and old Soviet weaponry. Honestly, this is the same kind of crap you'd find at a garage sale in Vladivostok today. I already have better stuff like this back at the house anyway."
"You have stuff like this back at your house?" Captain America asked, having abandoned the helm.
Dan nodded. "I've got my own pony doomsday robot, my own super-charged chariot and a massive artillery cannon attached to my house."
Captain America turned with an almost audible grind towards Phoenix Wright. "You have a doomsday weapon and an artillery cannon... mounted on your house?" Phoenix felt Cap's eyes on him, accusing him.
"It... it's a lot safer than it sounds, really," the lawyer said defensively.
Dan slapped them both on the back. "Of course it is, Nicky. C'mon, Stevie, we'll head back and you can meet the rest of the gang. I even have my own army of bird pirates led by a moron. They live in a flying toilet seat in the sky above my weaponized library tree house."
Again, Cap turned, agonizingly slowly to Phoenix, a penetratingly questioning look on his masked expression.
"I promise you, none of this was my idea. It's safe, believe me!" Phoenix pleaded against the stare. (Why am I being blamed for Dan's shenanigans?!) "OBJECTION!"
"To what?" Cap asked.
"Overruled, Nicky," Dan chastised, causing Phoenix's psyche-gauge to take another hit.
"Can you please stop doing that? That's my courtroom healthbar you're messing with."
"Relax, you'll make it up."
"How do you know that?!"
Redfield stepped up at that precise moment with something important to say. "Can we please have this conversation OFF of the submarine that's about to explode?!"
Dan nodded. "Probably a good idea. Okay, points for Redfield."
"Does that mean I'm on your good side now?"
"Deducting points."
"That lasted long," Redfield sighed, exasperated. "Where are the fillies?"
"They've already evacuated!" Colress shouted, halfway up the ladder to the escape hatch. "Why are you all standing around? We have to get out of here!"
"You see, this is why we're in an MLP crossover- the ponies are smarter than us," Dan said to his fellow human males. His eyes then panned over to Blast Fuse and Blast Powder. "Well, most of them, anyway."
"We didn't want to leave without Pheeny," Fusey said, innocently curled up with her sister, wrapped in their own tails.
"Or you, Dan. You're the bestest!"
"AND NOW WE'RE LEAVING!" Dan yanked the sisters up and scrambled out the escape hatch, the others right behind him.
Outside the escape hatch, physics were broken. Ice cream sandwiches and flat images displaying t.v shows flew by, ebbing from the dying almost-universe in front of them. The collection of ideas, thoughts, feelings and concepts was rapidly deteriorating without a framework and energy to sustain it, like a record slowly stopping, flinging half-produced notes from a phonograph.
"I hope you came up with an escape plan!" Lightning Claw yelled over the sound of the lava and collapsing universe. "We're in the diving suits now. What next?"
"Fly everyone up to the ceiling!" Dan yelled. "Hit the water and start swimming up!"
"To what? The solid rock wall of the ceiling?!" Springer asked.
Dan grabbed her by the throat. "THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR QUESTIONS, SCRATCH!" He chucked her as hard as he could upward, and by some miracle, she actually hit the water, plunging into it with a splash. He then did the same thing to Spinner.
"I'm Grounder!!! Yayyy!!" Her voice echoed as she flew skyward.
"All of you, get up there, now!" Dan bellowed. Colress' Magnezone, Lightning Claw, Marksaline, the fliers once again aided the non-fliers in reaching the massive lake of water that hung above them. They ferried them off the deck until only Dan and Phoenix were left.
Magnezone hovered up to Dan, but he waved the Pokemon away. "You won't be carrying me. I'll be fine."
Phoenix turned to Dan. "I had a feeling you'd be doing something like this. If you're staying, so am I."
Dan grinned. "And I knew you'd be coming with me. Thanks Nicky."
He nodded. "It's what I do." (And I'm not nervous about this at all. I know what's right, I know what we have to do, and we're going through with it. I guess that's all we needed all along.)
"Go back to Colress! Get going!"
"Zzzzzzonnne!" Magnezone flew off. The two humans were alone, standing on the bow deck of the submarine, hurtling towards the core. Strangely, Magic Gear VOLCANUS wasn't moving; she hung motionless, dangling towards the disc beneath her.
"Grab my hand, Nicky."
"Okay."
"No, not in a gay way, Nicky."
"What?! I wasn't, what does that even-"
"We jump on three, okay? One..."
"How was that gay?!"
"Two..."
"Oh *squee*."
"Three!" They jumped. Two torpedoes shot out from the submarine just as they came by, and the pair landed on them. Whatever form of physics-defying magic was at work, it was clearly only affecting the submarine and objects related to it, meaning they had to use the torpedoes to travel through the empty chasm.
They surfed on the Soviet torpedoes, over the universe underneath them. The swirling was becoming more condensed, a storm of possibilities. Mostly, it played out the images like a t.v show or a video game; different people, different places, different things, all the expressed forms and possibilities of imagination were visible, were... alive inside the storm. It was actually quite beautiful, oddly peaceful.
In truth, that was what another universe was, or at least how it would appear to a person viewing it from the outside: a television show or cartoon. A world with different rules, different outcomes, different events, people and places, yet similar in some ways.
Dan looked down. For a moment, he felt his mind back to when he'd been over the Pacific ocean, his last moments on Earth. He hadn't known he was going to be transported to another dimension at the time, but looking back, if he had known, he'd have swan-dove with a smile on his face. He was happy with the universe he was in, and realized that on some level, Vice Grip and the Director were a lot like him. Except they hadn't gotten the same chance he'd received.
What would his life have been like if he hadn't found himself, discovered his purpose in Equestria? No, Equstria was more than just another dimension to him. It was another chance, and people like him got those every single day. Meeting Twilight and the others, though, they had made him appreciate such chances.
That was what they, all the "bad guys" he fought were trying to do: make a second chance. Any way they could.
Dan looked back up at VOLCANUS. "HEY!!"
She looked up at him. "Are you happy now? We're all doomed together... no one will come to save us. And we can't leave."
"So that means you got one option left, lady: come with us. Protect this world."
She glared at him. "I was made to build weapons. To create things that should. Not. Be here. To either make this world... or break it."
The torpedoes continued accelerating them to the core. "Crazy lobster lady, have you honestly seen me? Literally all I do is break stuff or make things to break other stuff. We're practically related!"
"You destroyed my children."
"Not all of them!" The machine continued its angry glare at Dan. "Look, I can't promise you everything's gonna be peachy on the surface, but... maybe if you give it a chance, you might be surprised. Come with us!"
The machine stared at him for a long time. The torpedoes and submarine came closer. No matter what, her world was already changed.
You are beautiful. To me, you are so beautiful and I love you so much. Others may not see it, but from the moment I saw you, I knew who you were, what you could do. What you were to us... what you were to me.
That is why I did what I did. And I know you will hate me for it, but it was me. This entire time, it was me. Everything you've gone through, everything that's happened, the very reason you are here now, it was me all along. Because I knew we needed you here. I knew it was you that was missing, it was you and you alone who could make all the difference. And no one else saw it, no one but me.
So I broke the rules- all of them. I sacrificed everything I could, traded everything I had to get you the one thing I knew you needed. The one thing I knew you could do anything with, the one thing you could do the impossible with, the one thing I could provide: time.
Now, the darkest hour is upon us. It is up to you to prove if I was right or not. This has never been about convincing me. It's always been about convincing her. I did everything I could for you, gave you all the time I could buy, and brought you here to see if you could make a difference.
Because I believe you can. There is only one question that remains: Are you ready?
Time's up.
Captain America was the first to swim to the top. The Soviet diving suits they were wearing made it difficult to see, forcing them to use the buddy system in order to stay together. Using his shield, he tried to chip away at the rocky ceiling between them and the surface. Swipe after swipe only revealed what they'd all suspected from the start- that there was far more strata between them and freedom than it appeared.
"It's too thick!" Cap yelled. "We need something stronger to punch through it- a drill or something!"
"Hold on! I'll try to blast it!" Lightning Claw swam up next. He summoned a concentrated ball of electricity- now with his horn repaired, he could control it completely, even preventing the cave water from acting as a conductor and shocking the others. He threw the ball and it exploded, splashing electricity against the rocky surface. But it left not a scratch behind.
"Uhh, crap. Okay, drill. Let me try drilling!" Lightning spun up his hooves and electricity crackled around them. Surges of energy formed rings around his foreleg fetlocks that formed into cones and then drills. He pushed them into the rocky ceiling, but they crackled out with impact. "Gnnnrrrr! Why doesn't this work?! I just got my powers back and now they can't help us!"
Spinner held up her phone. "There's no reception here! I can't even call my boyfriend!"
Fusey tapped her on the shoulder. "I thought your boyfriend exploded in episode 13."
"That was episode 14! And he got better!"
Fusey and her sister shrugged. "Sucks to be you, man. You should really try humans."
"None of you have abilities that will help us!" Captain Springer called. "And this is NOT the time for dating advice!"
"Says the militant fangirl virgin but hey, no judgment," Powdey said, folding her hooves and activating liek a baws mode.
Colress keyed in numbers on his arm pad. "Let me calculate how much electricity we'll need to cut through those rocks."
"Don't bother," Silver Spoon said, hovering close by on Magnezone with the other fillies. "This place will have exploded by the time you come to any real conclusion."
"This is insane!" Lightning yelled. "We didn't have a plan to escape and Dan is getting ready to blow this place up WITH ALL OF US IN IT."
"We should swim back, try to find another way out!" Springer said. Spinner, next to her, nodded in agreement.
Redfield was also in agreement. "I'm with lemon-lime and wildberry on this one, Cap. We're not getting out this way."
"Who are lemon-lime and wildberry?" Spinner, who qualified as 'lemon,' asked.
"Why did we even agree to Dan's 'plan' in the first place?" Lightning raged. "You've all been following Dan for how long now? Is this situation honestly surprising to anyone?"
"Calm it down, Mr. Claw," Apple Bloom warned.
The other CMC took that time to chime in as well. "All the yelling isn't helping!"
"Why are you yelling when you say that then?"
"Because everyone else is yelling!"
"I'M NOT YELLING! YOU'RE YELLING!!"
"WE'RE YELLING BECAUSE YOU'RE-"
"SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!" Diamond Tiara yelled at them all.
"The song nears its end. It will leave, but it will return. We do not have much time left." Marksaline's voice sounded as if she was speaking while submerged and in fact, she was. It was then they realized Marksaline was not wearing a diving suit. Her horn glowed red and the water around her seemed to almost have stopped, becoming solid water but not ice.
"We need something to cut through this rock. If the core is about to blow, we won't be able to escape it underground," Lightning said. He looked over to the Blasties. "You two! Uh, explodey ones!"
"Mmmm, yessss?" They said, looking over their shoulders at him. Unlike the others, they were watching the core instead of the ceiling.
"What are you two even doing?"
"We're waiting for the core to blow up," Fusey said.
"Gonna be goooooood," Powdey added. "I wish we brought popcorn."
"I, too, wish we had brought popcorn to see the imminent detonation of the core of the planet."
"How many other times are we going to get to do this?"
"Probably more than once. Next time, popcorn."
"WHY ARE YOU BEING STUPID AT A TIME LIKE THIS?!" Lighting raged again. He had the urge to yank his own mane out even though it was contained by the helmet, another thing that infuriated him. Even though his body was fixed, his mind was still adjusting to his alicorn-state. He remained a bit unstable despite Marksaline fixing him. "WHY? Why are we letting DAN decide what we do with thermo-nuclear weapons of mass destruction? Why are we following the advice of a man who threatens people when he GREETS them? WHY ARE WE FOLLOWING DAN?!?!"
A giant pincer blasted past Lightning's face. It plunged into the rock wall behind him and immediately started spinning rapidly. Startled beyond belief, he swam out of the way, the thought of an attack fleeting in his mind just for a moment. Magic Gear VOLCANUS clamped onto the wall with its legs and dove both pincers into the rock, drilling through it. Before any of them realized what was happening, Dan and Phoenix were pulled by, holding the Pulse Rifles that were attached to the bailing twine, that was attached to the Magic Gear.
"GRAB ON OR FOLLOW THE CRAB!!" Dan yelled.
Magic Gear VOLCANUS tunneled through tons of rock. The water rose to fill the chasm she created, following them, almost pushing them forward. As they went forward, the water became hotter and hotter, nearly turning to steam on their masks. Was it somehow from the energy collecting below them, around them or something on the surface? Finally, she cut through to the surface and the water exploded outward. VOLCANUS, Dan and the others were all blasted out of the top of a mountain.
"AAAAHHHHH!!!"
"WHHHEEEEEEE!!"
"GAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!"
Most of them yelled, a few of them enjoyed it, but they all erupted from the mountain like a geyser and then... gravity found them once again. They fell back down, all of them landing on Magic Gear VOLCANUS, the gear herself landing on her back. With the water flowing under her, she began sliding down the jagged cliffs of the mountain like a giant metal sled.
"Oh holy squee," Cap said, catching his breath. "We made it. We actually made it!"
"And we're alive!" Phoenix announced. "We're alive, we're out in the open, we're safe!"
"Uh, I wouldn't call it that safe," VOLCANUS said.
"Why not?"
"Because I can't stop."
"Ah, well that's easy," Dan remarked. "We'll just have Lightning and the other fliers to grab you by your legs and we'll drag you to a steady stop, then we'll all calmly climb off of you and be safe."
"Oh, good," Phoenix said. "That sounds very safe indeed. And calm, for once."
"Haha, yeah," Dan laughed. "It does kind of seem like we're always having to go through the most dangerous, insane and life-risking options just to get by, doesn't it?"
The lawyer nodded. "It does indeed. Happy that's not the case this time." (I love how we're directly referencing our normal circumstances and how they contrast to the ones we're in right now, before we're done with the current situation. Good thing nothing bad ever happens when anyone ever blatantly does that.)
The group laughed, even VOLCANUS and Marksaline, though her laughter had some sort of semi-sinister warbling to it coupled with the screams of horrors from the unknown. They laughed at the karmic moment and all sighed contently.
Lazily, Dan looked over to the Blasties, who were laying on their tummies looking over the back of the gear, back towards the mountain. And they were counting.
"Hey, dynamite duo. What are you guys up to?"
"Two... one..."
The mountain exploded. The peak was blasted to pieces, chunks of earth sent skyrocketing by more water that quickly turned into frothing pink goo and then pure purple magical energy. The ground cracked as energy pulsed into the sky, changing the color from blue to lavender to deep purple, an instantaneous night brought fourth as the stars shone through. The cracks in the ground exploded, erupting with more magical geysers that spewed purple, pink and red-colored goo into the atmosphere.
"HOLY SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" The force sent VOLCANUS spinning down the mountain. Dan and the gang were forced to cling to the crab-gear's body to avoid being thrown off. The surface of Equestria erupted with explosions behind them, pushing them forward in a cascade of power and energy released from the core.
"I regret!! I regret making light of this situation now!" Phoenix yelled.
"I regret following you now!!!" Lightning Claw yelled.
"I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Dan roared. The Magic Gear, like a turtle helplessly on its back, slid like a bowling ball down the mountain. They flew over a gorge, the mountain exploding into the sky behind them.
Twilight Makes a Decision, Tea is Served, and Everybody Gets a Sword
Twilight Sparkle spent roughly twenty minutes in her room. She cried for a little over half that time, holding Owlowiscious, asleep in her forelegs, the other pets crowded around her. Pieces of the entity called the Gold Baron, who had turned out to be all of her friends' pets, were surrounding them. They paid no attention to the gaping hole in Twilight's room that the Director had been blasted out of, nor did they notice the clock that had been knocked off had resumed ticking. For twenty minutes, she held them. For twenty minutes, she watched over them as they rested in silence, in warmth and in love.
She tucked them into her own bed, gathered the ashes of Philomena and placed them in an open box on her desk.
And with that last act, the love in her heart exploded. She approached the hole in her window and faced out at Equestria.
The warm feelings in her grew and grew and grew. Hotter they became until they burned. It crawled under her very skin, as if her very coat was on fire, her legs shook with this incredible knew feeling that was not in any way, shape or form love, but very much came from love. Anger. Rage. Fury.
Her forelegs shook with anger, her horn burned brightly and her entire body felt like it was boiling. She did the only thing she knew would help, what she knew she had to do. On her hindlegs, she rose up. With teeth gritted, her eyes closed. Twilight Sparkle threw her forelegs up into the air and yelled at the top of her lungs:
She screamed out of the gash in the library, yelling up to the heavens above and down to Equestria below. Such a shout that had it been a spell, it would have shook the planet to the core and split the sky. Her voice reached those heights and depths, that was sure. Twilight didn't care- she wanted it to reach the Director's ears. She wanted her to know.
"You want ME?! You want ME to be your PRINCESS?!!" Twilight shouted. She turned back, rushing over to her bookshelf. With her magic, she tossed every book off the shelf, all of them, save one. ARCANE APOLOGY was written on the front in bold. "You think I can't protect myself?! YOU THINK I'M NOT READY?!?!" The book levitated in front of her. She took it, knowing what she had to do.
Twilight Sparkle turned to the spell in question- the spell that could change her destiny. Starswirl the Bearded had developed many magical spells, some of which he never intended to use himself. The one Twilight was interested in had the ability to expel the magic that had made her a princess. She would have gone back to being a unicorn, back to being a student, and may have matured because of it. She could have learned more about magic, about the process of ascension, something that, like Lightning Claw, had been forced upon her without her being ready. It hadn't been his choice or hers then.
It was now.
She could go back. Let her brother or Cadence lead, let Mayor Mare lead, there were other options. Twilight could focus on what she did best: learning and studying, finding out more about their devious foes and problems and gathering the information to fix them. That was her strength. As a princess, she knew not what course of action to take or what was necessary. She was adrift, out of control, powerless and forced to continue on. If she gave up her power, it would give her stability, which was something they all needed now more than ever.
She held the page in her hooves, the spell printed on it. The reins were in her hooves. She could give them up... or she could hold on.
With a deep breath, she turned the page... and she took the reins.
There were other spells in the book and Twilight performed almost all of them. She stopped time, she sped it up, she teleported all over Ponyville in a flash and when she warped back to her room she almost threw up. She moved the clouds, the sun, the moon, Equestria itself, she pushed through space just to test her new-found abilities. And she did it with the greatest of care, knowing that every single action had a consequence. Her friends were still asleep in her room and if they were disturbed even a bit, she knew she would have failed. She had to be able to use this incredible power so well that it wouldn't even be noticed and Owlowiscious and the others were her unknowing test.
She examined every molecule of Philomena's ash after she moved Equestria. She practiced again and again and again until she was satisfied that not a pinch had moved during her adjustments. Finally, after hour-less hours had passed, she was ready. Twilight Sparkle exited her room with her crown atop her head.
Her Own Pony First Princess Twilight Sparkle Ruler of Equestria
Twilight trotted down stairs, head held high. "I'm sorry about that, everypony."
"Twilight?" Chrys asked, looking back and fourth between her and the stairs. "But... weren't you just here?"
"Oh good heavens! Terribly sorry, Miss Twilight! I must've missed your leave," Tuxley said.
Spike noticed the crown atop her head. "Are you going out somewhere?"
She nodded. "Yes, I am, Spike. We all are."
"Oh, excuse me, miss," Reginald said, edging by her. He carried a pair of silver trays- one with a teapot and six cups and another one with a dish and assorted crackers, veggies and tiny sandwiches. He sat them on the table in front of the others.
"I'm afraid that'll have to wait, your majesty," Tuxley apologized. He prepared himself a cup of hot tea and sipped. "Haaaa... lovely."
"Are you guys having tea?"
Tuxley looked up, perplexed. "It is four o'clock, is it not?" He checked his pocket watch. "What time is your tea?"
"Uhhh..." Twilight looked around, shrugged. "Whenever we want? I guess."
"I had tea yesterday," Chrys said between sandwich bites. "Oh wait... no, that might have been the day before. Yeah, I remember because I was Dan that day."
"You're Dan now," Spike pointed out.
"I know," she said, sipping, pinkie outstretched. "He's my boyfriend, I can transform into him and live his life if I want to."
"When you turn into him, do you summon clothes from somewhere or are the clothes just part of the... disguise?" Twilight asked.
Chrys looked at the thread of her Dan JERK shirt. "You know, I've been wondering that myself. It just shows up, so I have no idea."
"Rrriiighht... anyway, we don't usually have a-" Reginald bumped Twilight while she was speaking and whispered in her ear. "What?"
"Your majesty, tea is served at four o'clock. Sometimes a tad earlier- three-thirty if one is busy, but never later than five. Unless you're having it for dinner, at which seven o'clock is the assigned time," he explained, smiling.
Twilight nodded, beginning to understand. "Okay then... so, we're having tea now."
"It is four o'clock, Miss Twilight. And of course I know, our world must keep turning. Of this fact, there is only certaintyyyy-"
"Is he singing now?"
"Yep, he's singing now."
"Oh boy."
"And although things change and we keep learning, you can always count on at least one guarrrr-aannnnn-teeeeeee!
No matter what you're doing, when the kettle's on and brewing, you must make time for tea! It's a mathematical constant! And for we English, it's of the utmost priority! So no matter where you are-"
Zeal: In your homes.
Gust: Or at the bar!
"You must make time for tea, my friends! You simply must make time for tea!"
"Now, it's not only an English tradition! Why, there's not a nation on creation tea's not served! But because we are English, it is our mission... to ensure that it's always properly observed! So no matter if you're early-"
Samule: Or if you're running late!
"When you hear that charming whistle, you mustn't hesitate! Good heavens, it's almost half-past three! But no matter the time of day, you know there's only one thing to say: You must make time for tea, my friends! You simply MUST make time for tea!"
"It can be hard to make time when the world's demanding. To be active and at its ever-beck and call. But time and again, we always come to one understanding: There's a simple rule that comes before them all!"
"So no matter what's a head, and I'm sure it's quite a lot, A proper cuppa at the right time is assured to hit the spot! When you're stressed, depressed, distressed, there's just one thing to set you free! You must make time for tea, my friends! You simply MUST-"
Spike: We really must?
"You really MUST!"
Chrys: I guess we must?
"Oh yes, you MUST!"
Fluffle: Thppth-thppp-thpp-thppth?
"Indeed, you MUST! You MUST make time for tea, my friends! We all mussssttt Maaaaake Tiiiime Forrrr Teaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "Cheers!" Tuxley took a sip. "Ahh, lovely. Thank you Reginald."
"Will sir require any more background music for his interlude?"
"I don't believe so at the moment, Reginald. Good show."
"Thank you, sir. Would you care for tea, Miss Twilight?"
"After all that, sure. Tea sounds bloody wonderful right now," Twilight said, taking a seat.
"Language, Miss Twilight," Tux reminded her.
"Oh, right. Sorry."
After tea, Twilight informed the others of what happened to her, the brief clash with the Director, and what she had learned from the Arcane Apology. She left out the identity of the Gold Baron, seeing as how he/they needed rest more than anything else. Gust Grasp had stopped by for the musical interlude, but unlike the other random guests, had remained.
"Wow," Gust said. "She can stop time... and now, you can stop time. That's like... awesome. You know how much you could steal with that kind of power?"
Twilight shrugged. "These spells are the most complicated I've ever read. When you have so much power, everything else becomes so fragile. For somepony like the Director who's a fan of us all so much, it must be very hard. Even with all her power, she can't get what she want. The slightest mistake with her powers might accidentally break something, maybe the whole kingdom or the whole planet."
"Ha! Breakfff the whole planetff," Gust said between bites. He swallowed. "As if anyone was crazy enough to do that!" He didn't notice that directly over his shoulder, a purple geyser shot into the sky and turned the sky a bright pinkish-mauve. And because of their position, nopony else noticed it either. "Hey are these scones?"
"At any rate, we are going to prepare an expedition to finally deal with Vice Grip and the Director and all their followers once and for all," Twilight declared. "It's time for us to take back control of Equestria from the forces of fear and darkness. We will go get Dan and the others and rally the troops! Spike, get me my sword!"
"Uhhh... I didn't know you had a sword."
"Oh. I guess I still don't," Twilight said. "Okay, Spike, make a list."
"Hold on! I need to get a quill and some ink!" he said, hurrying upstairs. Twilight didn't realize he was sure to see Owlowiscious and the others.
"Put 'Buy new swords' at the top," Twilight continued.
"Uh, hey, if it's swords you want, I got swords," Gust said.
"What kind? Scimitars, broadswords, rapiers?"
"Uhh, sharp ones? But a lot of 'em got jewels and stuff and have golden handles."
Twilight frowned. "Did you steal these swords?"
The pirate griffon rubbed the back of his neck. "Not all of them! We made some of them ourselves."
"Oh. Well that's-"
"From things we stole."
"We're not using stolen swords," Twilight stated. She walked over to the door, the others assembling behind her. "Let's go take back Equestria!" She opened the door. And found her brother on the other side. "Shining?"
"Oh! Twily, uh, was just stopping by to see you."
"We were just heading out. Is something wrong?"
A shadow crept over them as they were speaking. High above them, the Danfiant was moving to block out the sun. Shining scratched the back of his neck. "You could say that."
"Affirmative. I have undertaken many actions in defense of our homeland and compatriots."
"Uggh, you're such a beta-model. What OS are you even running?"
"I have made modifications and reconfigured the existing Magic Gear software. My processors are-"
"Meaning you're still running the original outdated software. Gotcha."
"Once again, I have modified-"
"Guhhh, this is gonna get tiring. Look, you do know you can download a new OS, right? You don't have to stay with that original factory stuff you started out with."
"There is no need for me to update my operating systems. I am functioning at optimal capacity."
"Yeah, but you sound like a robot. I mean, all you're missing is the "BEEP-BOOP-BEEP" after every sentence. You really don't have to talk like that."
"It is equally unnecessary to modify my existing functionality any further for a purpose that would not improve my capacity to-"
"Blah, blah blah. This is pointless," Ace told her sister. Magic Gear ACE, or Ace as she just went by now, was designed with a basic self-repair function. Although she had been completely destroyed by Dan's security system during the Christmas/Hearth's Warming fiasco, her chassis had spent the better part of the last year fixing itself, just as Knight had.
She had originally wanted to take revenge on Ponyville, especially Dan for destroying her sister and Phoenix for destroying her, and had planned to act through the greedy twosome of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. The two fillies had been repairing her in exchange for a way into FIST before being contacted by the Director directly, who then used them to replace Vice Grip. The Director, DT and SS fixed Ace using parts from Samule's train-based mech from episode 4. Her chassis being far away from base made her difficult to fix, so they had worked covertly in Ponyville.
And while Dan and company were distracted rescuing the CMC, Ace would destroy Ponyville. The only thing none of them counted on was that Knight was online and Ace. Even though she was programmed for destruction, deep down, there was a subroutine that loved her sisters. She contacted Knight when her long range communications were restored and the two began a deep and philosophical dialogue about the nature of themselves as artificial beings, the nature of what their duty was versus what they were programmed to do, and the complicated concept of life itself. The entire digital conversation lasted 0.000000002 seconds. Afterward, Knight convinced Ace to join the Royalists.
There was something to be said about what lay just beneath the surface. Whether or not you give it an opportunity to come through is a subjective matter, as in, it is up to the subjects involved. There's almost always something deeper, but we don't always have a chance to see it. Sometimes we don't have that chance, sometimes we can't take it, and sometimes we don't want to. But it's always there just beneath the surface.
The two Gears' sensors detected the sesmic activity and shortly after that, detected Dan and his friends. Riding down an exploding mountainside as the core of Equestria erupted into the upper atmosphere behind them. On top of their mother. "Our compatriots have exfiltrated the weapons complex."
"Exfiltrated? They're using mom as a toboggan to outrun armageddon right behind them and you just say Our compatriots have exfiltrated the weapons complex," Ace said, replaying Knight's own voice. "This is why Axe and Amp are trying to invent boys."
"Additional sex will not guarantee future units are to your liking."
"You weren't programmed for fun, were you?"
"None of us were."
"Touche."
"AAAAAH!!!"
"AHHHHH!!!"
"WHEEEEE!!!"
"STILL HATE YOU ALL!!!"
Clinging desperately to VOLCANUS, Dan and company flew down the mountain as said mountain was being destroyed. Behind them, the magic geyser continued erupting into the sky. A fissure that had the potential to crack Equestria in half was rapidly forming, as if the planet itself was beginning to explode with the incredible magical forces contained deep within it. The sky had turned to deep pinkish-purple, a lighter tone to the horizon as the sun's light fought to penetrate the veil of arcane power.
It was as if the world itself was about to come to a single, destructive, violent end. And that was when the unimaginable happened: Dan's pants flew off again. They could have hit anyone else as VOLCANUS spun and slid, but they were destined to hit Redfield right in the face. To the veteran anti-B.O.W commando, it was as if the unmentionable had happened. Because he had been hit in the face by Dan's unmentionables as well as his pants. A fate so terrible, he couldn't help but mention it by the way of incoherent screaming.
"Ah! AHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!"
Most ponies would have found the prospect of naked Dan horrifying. But of course, the Blasties didn't. They just looked at Redfield and said, "Lucky."
"And he got a souvenir."
"Hey! Maybe Phoenix's pants will fly off!" The pair turned excitedly to face the lawyer, eager for nature to take its course.
"I can hear both of you back there! And my pants are staying up!" (I learned my lesson from the last time!)
"I honestly don't know if I should try to slow us down, because we might stop on a spot that could explode. Ehhh, I'll wing it." The massive bug-gear flipped her pincers back and dug them into the ground. With her speed, this immediately created a pair of trenches, which then began to glow with energy. But, this did have the desired effect, and they finally slowed to a stop right in front of her daughters.
"Hello mother."
"Sup mom."
"Girls!" Volcy exclaimed, delighted to see them. Even upside down from her position, her sensors could detect they were indeed part of her production line. "Haiiii. Mom met your friends!" She lifted up her bug legs, displaying the arrayed ponies and humans clinging for dear life on them.
"Ah yes, my trusty-destructy giant robopony," Dan announced, leaping off the gear. He hit the ground face first but leapt up right away. "As you can see, our mission was a total success or the world is ending and we're all gonna die. Could go either way."
"Just like us!" The Blasties exclaimed, grinning widely. Sexual deviance was practically their calling card.
"Either way, you should probably put your pants back on," Phoenix said, handing Dan his pants.
"Oops. Was wondering why it felt so brisk out here. Thanks, Nicky."
"You should probably thank Mr. Redfield," Phoenix suggested.
Dan nodded, putting on his pants. "Thank you Redfield. Sorry if I've been kind of tough on you, but you did cost me my job. You catching my pants though, and helping out the Crusaders, that makes up for it. Thanks." Dan finished putting on his pants and turned around. Redfield was unconscious on the ground a few feet away.
"Well, looks like Redfield couldn't handle all the excitement. Some kind of rookie, right, Nicky?"
Phoenix nodded, a single, solemn nod. "Sure. Let's say excitement knocked him out and then never speak of this moment ever again."
"It will live in our hearts forever," Blast Fuse and Blast Powdy said in perfect unison.
After Knight reestablished communications, she activated her ear-satellite thingy and connected to the network. "Calling Golden Oaks Library..."
*BREEEP* Greetings, you've reached the Golden Oaks Library. We are currently unavailable, but if you leave a message we will get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you. *BREEEP
"Eh, they're probably busy."
"Twilight's new answering machine sounds a lot more professional than the last one," Phoenix remarked. (Probably a good thing, too, considering what happened to the last one.)
"Let's just head back home. We can fill them all in when we get there," Dan announced. They all made exactly one step towards the direction of Ponyville before the next situation stopped them.
"Uh, guys?" Captain America came running down the side of the hill, Colress and his Magnezone in tow. "We just crunched the numbers."
"Either the forces bleeding out will destabilize Equestria's orbit and destroy the biosphere or the eruption will spread and cause the destruction of the surface," Colress said, tapping furiously into his arm pad. "Could go either way."
Regarding the primary specimens, the results speak for themselves. After multiple repeated tests, even going beyond the parameters I'm forced to work within, I can conclude what I initially began to suspect, however surprising it may be. Further testing would serve little purpose at this point, and as the "supply" is clearly finite, there is not much point in modifying them. I'm reluctant to try once again to store them somewhere, not because I lack the capacity but because even I don't like repeating history. Keeping them right under your seat- both figuratively and literally- was Tia's mistake. Best to find another use for them just in case, perhaps as a power source.
Amid confirming other "unfortunate theories," we can now at least identify the source of their namesake ability. Specimens undergo physical arcano-biological metamorphosis based on the characteristics of target lifeforms; we can now see this as both a predatory and defensive behavior used in herds and isolation. The subjects are able to use unique arca to change their molecular structure, making themselves a duplicate of the target. What we were unaware of was the process by which the subject changed. It was signals again, this entire time.
Recent tests have indicated that another of our theories has been proven true: magic has more than one property. It's a communicative essence, a transformative energy, a living entity and... more. The changelings have a unique ability to copy not just the appearance of other beings, but also their traits, their talents... and their thoughts. Unfortunately, we have not been successful in reproducing this particular arca in any form and several "volunteers" have been injured as a result. This is yet more evidence to what we now know: the changelings are not natural.
After going through our genetic records, we have found absolutely no existing matches; a mathematical impossibility if the changelings were Equestrian. Where they came from, what they are doing here, what purpose they were brought here for is unknown. The changelings were summoned here, perhaps among the first creatures ever summoned... and although we do not yet know why, I think it's obvious who is responsible.
What else is she hiding from me?
-Vice Grip's notes
The shockwaves of the global magic eruption were felt across Equestria. Magic flowed from the planet's core into the upper atmosphere in a rush of pinkish-purplish-orange glow. The sound it made was somehow musical in nature, like a choir of innumerable voices harmonizing in a single chorus, singing into the infinity of existence.
In truth, this was potential magic- the environmental magic that was natural to Equestria, flowing through and around and connecting all things. When ponies or creatures used magic, it returned to the core of Equestria where it would essentially be recycled, similar to the Crystal Heart. It was a natural process and now, this proto-magic, this pre-energy was being released in droves. The energy itself became physical in the only thing it could: possibility. Countless could-bes and what-ifs, thoughts and feelings and ideas that had the potential to be more, exploded from the core into a semi-physical state.
"Well... don't see that every day," Dan remarked. "So... anyone have any ideas on how to fix... that?"
"You don't have a plan?" Phoenix asked.
Dan rubbed the back of his neck in a Phoenix-like fashion. "No, Nicky, believe it or not, I never really came up with a failsafe for if the planet's core suddenly exploded and started gushing into the stratosphere. Didn't really see this coming. My bad." He got out a notepad and pencil. "Gonna work on something for next time just in case we survive."
"Don't you think it's a bit premature to plan for next time?" Spinner asked. "Especially when we don't know if there's going to be a next time. Hey, is that your list? Like, the list of you're going to brutally maim, murder or seek vengeance against in the immediate future?"
"No, this is just a to-do list," Dan said, jotting down notes. He then put that notepad away and pulled out another one. "This is The List. Also, unrelated, but what's your name again?"
"Spinn-" Springer cupped her hoof over her friend's muzzle before she could reveal anything.
Phoenix walked over to where Cap and Colress were standing. They were both focused on the scientist's armband display as he typed into it. "How long do we have?"
"I'm not entirely sure. The amount of magic isn't something that can entirely be quantified and it seems to be coming from multiple different sources. It's possible that the flow won't cease- that the supply is inexhaustible because it will continue to replenish itself. What I can say is that Equestria itself won't last much longer. The magnetic field of the planet is already rupturing," Colress explained. "It's absolutely fascinating. It's as if every possible Equestria and Earth is connected and magic somehow... flows from both. Like a heart or a brain, a single organ with Earth and Equestria working as the separate halves."
"So... does this mean the multiverse is dying?" Phoenix asked.
"It means everything is dying," Colress said, very matter-of-factly. "Every possibility, every eventuality, everything that occurred, could occur, can't occur or would have occurred. It's an... info death, I'd surmise, in which all knowledge exists here in a physical state, thereby incapable of existing physically anywhere else, depriving parallel dimensions of change while annihilating the fabric of ours."
Cap pinched the bridge of his nose. "If there was a way to save... everything, what would it be?"
"Yes," Phoenix said, nodding. "There has to be some way to stop this. Anything..."
Colress smiled slightly and shook his head. "I'm... oh dear. I am sorry my... my friends. If there is an answer, I'm afraid it's beyond me right now. I... I really do wish I knew." For the first time, the scientist did some genuinely worried, even apologetic. He always exuded a sort of impartial assurance, a cool confidence that came from one who understood. But now, as science failed, there was only the sad admission. Science had always provided Colress with solace, a peaceful shelter and defense, but now with the world literally crumbling before him, there was no solace now. The only answer it provided was unsatisfactory.
The Blasties, holding each other, came over to Phoenix. "Hey Nick."
"Oh. Hey guys," he said, turning back to the magical geyser. "So... this looks like it could be it, huh?"
"Yeah," they both said. "And about that..."
"I know," the lawyer nodded. "I know you both like me, I mean. It's just that-"
"That's not it, Nick," Blast Fuse said.
"What we wanted to say..."
"-was that it was never going to work out."
Phoenix's face scrunched into a frown. "What?"
"Yeeeeeeaaahhh..." the twin pones admitted, "there's just always something going on with you, y'know?"
"Yeah. We kinda need someone who's a little bit more... stable."
"It's not you; it's us."
"Mostly Powdy."
"It's been fun."
"Mostly Powdy."
"I... understand." (I have no squeeing clue.) He patted both their heads. "I appreciate... you letting me know. And our time together." (Freedom? Is that you?)
The two sisters held his hands in their hooves. "Thank you for understanding, Phoenix." They hugged him, causing a squee sound effect in the process.
"Thanks, you guys. I know you'll both-"
"Hey Cap! You got a girlfriend?"
"Once you go pony, you never... umm... you can have us both at the same time!" The pair trotted off to their new potential love interest. Phoenix watched them go, the slightest pang of regret in his heart overwhelmed by the sheer amount of relief. (Good luck with that, Steve.)
The CMC took a spot on VOLCANUS' stomach as the robot was lounged out. They were surprised to see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon join them.
"Hey... guys," Diamond Tiara said meekly.
"Hi."
"Just so you know..."
"We're happy you tried to come rescue us. And thank you," Silver Spoon said, taking the initiative.
Apple Bloom smiled thankfully at the pair. "You're welcome."
"Yeah, you two might be mean."
"And snobby."
"And rude."
"And stuck-up."
"But.. we still care about you. And we don't want to see bad stuff happen to you guys," Scootaloo finished. The five fillies hugged. For that moment, all five of them were Cutie Mark Crusaders. For that moment, they were all friends.
And finally, there was Lightning Claw. The indigo-colored pony sat with Marksaline next to him, both of them watching the torrent of rushing magic in front of them. They were closer than the others; a bit safer for them, because of their strength.
Phoenix walked up to check on them finally. "I'm sorry we never found your brother."
Lightning sighed. "They weren't really my brothers... not any of them. We signed up because we wanted to make Equestria better, because we didn't think the old way was working." He turned back to the lawyer, "And you know what? After everything that's happened... I'd do it all again the same way. This happened because of all of us. Neither of our plans worked: not yours, not Vice Grip's, not the princesses'. I'm like Dan that way... I don't know what to do. I just get tired of the way things are and I do whatever I can."
The tall human patted the pony on his shoulder. Equestria had been stagnant and the few ponies like Lightning and Springer who fell through the cracks sought change things but didn't know how to improve them. This was how toolbags like Vice Grip were able to manipulate them.
"Those who want something done but don't have any ideas are often used by those who have plenty ideas and want something else done."
Phoenix took a seat next to Lightning Claw. "This happened for a lot of reasons. But mostly because of Vice Grip and the Director building all of this crap. You could try to say Dan and I had a hand in this, but seriously, if WE'RE able to cause this to happen... anyone could have done this. And especially anypony, because you guys have magic. You could have easily overloaded the core yourself with your electricity."
Lightning put his head in his hooves. "So it's all my fault. Again. And all of us who just wanted something different, who wanted real change."
"It's not anyone's fault for wanting change. It's the fault of those who went about that the wrong way, at the expense of everyone else... in existence, now."
Colress and Captain America came to join them. "Nick. Is there... is there anything you can do with your magatama?" He shook his head apologetically. "Well, it was worth a shot. I have to say, things are... kind of bleak."
"They are indeed," Colress added. "But... that's the fun of being a scientist. There's always more to learn, new surprises every moment. You never know what's going to happen next."
"Yeah," Lightning nodded, rising. "Maybe the next everything, the next existence or multi-whatever, maybe it will be better. Maybe we'll be a part of it."
"Maybe." They gathered around in a half-circle, ground crackling beneath their feet. In the distance, purple lines of energy and magic rose up to the sky with the immense pressure of the core breaking through. Vice Grip's goal, the future, had arrived on Equestria. Unfortunately, something even the scientist would regret, wherever he was, was that it would mean more than just the end of today but also the end of everything. That was what the future had to be to arrive: for everything now to end.
Dan ran up and grabbed Phoenix by the arm. "Nicky! What the heck are you standing around for?!"
"What- what do you mean? I thought you said you didn't have a plan!"
"I don't!" Dan admitted, "There's too much magic pouring out of that and we can't call Twilight! But I'm not going to do nothing! So c'mon... let's do something! We've got doom that needs averting!" He tugged the lawyer back to where Knight, Ace and VOLCANUS were, apparently trying to get in touch with Ponyville.
"What are we going to do? What do you think is going to stop this?" The others turned around, eager and curious to hear what Dan had to say.
Dan turned around. "Okay, so... the magic is flowing out of that hole, right?"
"Yeah."
"Alright, so, this is going to sound a little unorthodox."
"I'd be surprised if it didn't."
"We reverse the magic flow and plug up the hole," Dan said. Silence followed.
"I... I don't think magic works like that," Phoenix said. (Not that I'm an expert, but I think it's probably going to be a little more complicated than reversing the flow. Magical planet plumbing.)
"What if we could replace the magic?" Cap asked. "Colress, you said that the magic flowing out of the planet is coming from other sources, right? What if we could find another source?"
And then the idea hit Phoenix. "The Sword Spells! We might be able to use their magic to restore the core!"
"They've probably all been blown up, though," Springer said.
"We could make more!" Blast Fuse said, popping up from Cap's shoulder.
"We can even make them more powerful," Powdy said, appearing from the opposite shoulder. The two ponies lounged on Captain America, cute and contented.
"How did you two get on me?"
"We're ninjas."
Cap grabbed them by their delicate midsections. "Right, well, let's just set you two back down."
"Careful! We might explode!"
"In more ways than one."
"Gonna wash your hands, Steve," Phoenix said. "I know from experience." (In more ways than one.)
"Well... maybe not the Sword Spells. What about those Markers?" Phoenix asked. "Marksaline, didn't you say they were... what exactly did you say about them again?"
"Their chorus is an angry one. They sing for Convergence but their voices do not harmonize. It is sad that they cannot hear each other."
Phoenix nodded. "Right... does anyone know what that means?"
"Oh, she means they're trying to bring about a Convergence event, like a unity of magic between all universes. Kind of like a big party and the Markers are all cell phones, but they're not getting any signal," someone explained. Phoenix turned back to Marksaline... and saw Gary Busey standing with her. "How y'all doing?" the somehow simultaneously disturbing and charming actor said, waving.
"Is that Gary Busey?" Captain asked.
"Hey Steve!" the actor waved.
Phoenix ran over to him. "Gary! Can you translate Marksaline's... Marksaline-speech?"
"Aww, of course I can," Gary said, petting Marksaline's mane.
"I am uncomfortable."
"Dawww, aren't you sweet?"
"Your kindness does not alleviate discomfort but assuages concern."
The actor smiled. "I like you too, sweetheart." He stroked her mane and she let him, which said enough.
"Marksaline, can you somehow use the Markers to reverse the flow of magic? They were able to channel it into another universe... would they be able to channel it back into the core?" Phoenix asked, hopeful.
The Necralicorn Overlordress seemed to think about the idea and listen at the same time. "I can encourage them to sing to make Equestria whole again. If enough of them sing, it will create harmony even if they are deafened. But then Convergence will come here."
Gary turned to Phoenix. "She says yeah, she can do it. But she's gotta talk to each of them with like necromorph sign-language or something because none of them can hear anything with all the stuff going on. She can switch the Markers to pump magic into the core of Equestria again. Then we'll probably have to turn 'em off or something. But doing this will alert the other Sisterhood and Brethren Moons to Equestria's position."
"Moons? Okay, look, we can deal with moons- just tell her to get on that right away!" Dan said. Gary hopped on Marksaline's back and the pair disappeared in a flash of red and black. "Alright, now, the problem with the planet's crust. We need to close up that gaping hole or the magic is just going to explode outward again."
"I don't advise touching it," Colress said. "The magic is concentrated in a volatile form. It would destroy any of us if we came into contact with it."
"But not us," Knight said.
"YES!" Dan yelled. "You guys are resistant to magic! Alright, this is how we'll do this- Springer, you and Spinner take Ace. Blasties, take Knight. You're the only ones among us with experience piloting the Gears, you'll know how to get the most out of them. The pair of you, fix that giant hole in the ground!"
"On it!"
"Yeah! Avert all the doom!"
The Magic Gears nodded and saluted.
"That's actually a good idea. Surprising, coming from you," Springer commented snidely, but saluted. She and the others flew off to their assignments.
"The rest of you- we need to fix the rest of these holes. Let's get to work, people and ponies, we've got doom to avert!" Dan announced.
VOLCANUS finally picked herself up. A bit shyly, she walked over to them. "I... I guess I'm most responsible for this happening, huh? It's probably too late to say I'm sorry..."
But Dan just smiled at her, sympathy in his eyes. "I'm probably the least-forgiving person on this entire planet. And even I have to say, it's never too late to say you're sorry." He patted her giant pincer, the kindest gesture she had ever received.
She almost had a tear in her eye. She knelt, letting him pat her. It made her feel good, something she didn't think she had the capacity to feel as a machine. It didn't matter if she hadn't been programmed to feel it; this was right. This was good. "But... what can I do to help? All I can do is make weapons."
Dan grinned, a glint in his eye. "I'll bet you can make shovels, right? Because we're gonna need a squeeload of shovels." And so, she did. From the tubes that were jutting from the ground, parts of the underground base that had been upheaved through the crust, VOLCANUS forged shovels and tools for the ponies and humans. Dan passed them out to everyone and told them where to dig and what to do. They all listened and worked together.
Dan gave six shovels to Lightning Claw. "What are these for?" the electric stallion asked.
"You think you can do things a better way- here's your opportunity. Thought you might want to use that magic of yours and try to get some of those chasms in the distance," Dan said, pointing to the glow pouring up into the horizon.
Lightning smiled. "Dan, I... thank you. For the encouragement. That's all I ever really wanted, just a chance, a real opportunity to-"
"That's great, kid, we're really happy you've overcome all this diversity-"
"You mean adversity."
"Yeah, that, but we need you to help us save the world now. So get going."
"Right. You got it, D-Boss!" Lightning said, zapping off in a flash of his namesake.
"It's DAN!!" Dan yelled back. He grumbled, grabbed a shovel and made good use of his anger to start filling the small cracks where the magic was escaping.
A few meters away, Chris Redfield finally woke up. "Jill? JILL! Oh... oh, squee," he said, shaking himself out of the dream.
"HEY! REDFIELD!" Dan yelled. "GRAB A SHOVEL UNLESS YOU WANNA BE CALLED DEADFIELD REAL QUICK! WE'VE GOT DOOM TO AVERT!"
He stood slowly and noticed the two massive mech ponies pushing against the edges of an exposed mountain to try and cover a giant geyser of purple magic. "Right... and whose idea was this?"
"EVERYONE'S!!"
"Except mine, you mean! I was still unconscious!"
"Not my fault!"
"Errrgh," Chris growled. He picked up a shovel that had been thrown at his feet. "At least you're finally making a plan, Dan!"
The low chances of Dan's plan working, the high probability of it failing and the immediate danger of putting it into action were all offset by the unified need for it to work. They had doubts, they had disagreements, they were mismatched and inefficient, none of them were qualified to be there and every moment increased the odds that they'd start fighting each other as the world tore itself apart.
But that didn't happen. Because more powerful than the forces that incessantly tried to divide them was the bond that held them together. A pragmatist would have called it necessity, but that only galvanized what was there beneath: love. Maybe not directly for each other or the organizations they were a part of, but love for what they were all a part of. By that extension, they were all in some way united. They were all friends, though only Twilight Sparkle would have dared make such a claim. And she was not there to make it.
Working together with different thoughts in their heads and varied ideals in their hearts, they got the job done. The magic began flowing back into Equestria's core, the Gears repaired the damage to the crust and Dan and the rest of the gang filled in the smaller holes and dug trenches and tunnels to contain the runoff and relieve pressure. They watched as the sky turned back to its regular color: a light grey-blue afternoon sky with just a hint of orange in the distance and a few puffy rogue clouds.
Dan beamed at the sight of the Gears pushing the mountain back together, oddly enough in the shape of a Marker, but Dan didn't notice that fact. He stood with his hands on his hips, proud. "And once again, thanks to my amazing ingenuity, the world is saved. You're welcome, world."
Earth: Thanks, Dan.
"No one's talking to you, Earth."
Earth: No one's ever talking to me...
"The hippies talk to you," Spinner pointed out. And Earth glared at her from the other side of the fourth wall. "Ohh... yeah, right. Sorry about that."
Earth: It's fine.
"I have to admit, you've done it again, Dan," Phoenix said, hand on the shorter man's shoulder.
Dan decided to allow the touching gesture. "Thanks, Nicky. Couldn't have done it without you." Two seconds longer than normal, anyway; he carefully removed the lawyer's hand. "Well... it would have taken me longer, anyway. A little longer, at least. I mean, if I had a bunch of shovels already, I'd probably be- hey, where are you going?"
"Good news, Colress?" Phoenix asked. "Everything looks to be fine with the planet. At least, the parts that weren't already fine. Are you getting any positive readings?"
"Yes, thankfully," the scientist said, still tapping away. "Everything seems to be in order... and I do mean everything."
"That is a relief," Cap said. The Blasties played with his shield in the background with Fusey nomming on it. Cap either didn't notice it was gone or was too relieved to care at the moment.
Marksaline blipped into existence. Gary Busey was not with her. "The Markers are quiet now. They have gone but I do not know where they travel. The song has been sung for now, and Equestria is whole again. She watches and she is impressed, but she does not know where they go. They run from her..."
"That's good... I think," Apple Bloom said. "But where's Gary?"
Marksaline shivered once. "He is... elsewhere. I know not where."
"Oh... kay," Sweetie Belle commented.
"Can we go home now?" Scootaloo asked.
"I think that would be for the best," Phoenix said. "Cap, Chris, you're welcome to join us if you'd like. There's more than enough room back at the library now that it's expanded. And Ponyville's pretty safe."
Captain America nodded. "Thanks, Nick. Sounds like the best idea right now. Right, Chris?"
"Agreed. Food and a place to sleep sound like the best idea ever right now."
"And what makes you think ALL of us are going to join you?" Springer asked. She, Springer and Silver Spoon were arrayed opposite Dan's group, still clearly opposed to them. "Equestria is saved now but that doesn't mean we've given up. We may have helped prevent Equestria from being desroyed, but we still support Vice Grip's efforts to... destroy... Equestria. Damn, it really doesn't make sense when you say it out loud."
"I thought he was trying to destroy Earth," Springer said.
"He IS trying to destroy Earth," Dan growled. "He's trying to make a "better future" version of Equestria out of Earth. And that's just as stupid as trying to blow up this planet. Look, we might hate each other- I know for a fact I hate you, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. We all disagree on a lot of crap... but we all need to work together, any way and every way we can. Or squee's not going to get better. We are going back to Ponyville now, all of us. No matter what happens, no matter what the future brings..." his anger faded for a moment and something more resolute took hold. It filled his eyes as he said, "We will face it together. Whatever happens, we face it together."
Not all of them nodded, but in their hearts, they all agreed. The relief that they had just saved the world was replaced by the reality that the world was still in danger. The Director, Vice Grip, whatever other forces there were and what they had unleashed, they waited in the dark for the intrepid group. They watched and they waited.
Before they even got off the summit of the newly-christened Mount Jerk(just in Dan's mind), they were intercepted by a large group of ponies walking up from the base. One of them broke from the herd and ran up to Dan. Dan had to be held back by Phoenix when they saw who it was.
"OH man, you guys, that was so freaking awesome!" George Washington the hippy pony exclaimed. "Dudes, like, seriously that was the most amazing thing I've ever seen... seriously."
Dan glared at the pony in front of him. The hippy was unaware of Dan's visible livid loathing, yet another reason why Dan hated the blissfully unaware peaceful hippies. "I regret saving the world now. If I knew THESE guys would survive... I probably would've waited five minutes."
"Ahh, I'm sorry, man. We got here as fast as we could," George said, mistaking Dan's hatred for disappointment with his late arrival. "We wanted to come help when we found out what you guys were doing for the environment, but when we saw the purple drank in the sky, man, some of us started wigging out, man. It was like I was on LSPJ again. Seriously, we were tripping major balls, man." Behind the hippy, several hippy ponies were playing with oversized rubber balls, the only way we could get away with this joke. Dan Vs. TMOF: 1, PC Censorship: 0
"LSPJ?" Phoenix asked, an action he would immediately regret when George replied,
"Liquid Smoke Poison Joke, my man. That stuff is heavy, dude, you gotta watch your dosages or you could be on a bad trip real quick."
"It's also illegal," Springer said, teeth gritted. "AND it causes air pollution which MY squad has to deal with!"
Dan looked over. "Minty! You hate hippies, too?"
She looked over to him, fuming. "Yes. They lay around all day, they do nothing but dance and... not-shower, they act like they know everything and they cause problems while complaining about others. Yes, I hate them! I hate ALL of them!" She grinned at Dan, "How about you and me just go to town on these guys? We got the weapons, let's just wipe them all off the face of this mountain right now."
"Woah woah woah," Dan said, "I already have a girlfriend, sweetheart, so just back off with that. I appreciate the gesture, really, I do, but this jerk is taken."
She shook her head. "What? I wasn't- how is that a suggestion to-"
"I SAID BACK OFF, FEMINAZI!"
George smiled and nodded, still completely oblivious. "Dudes, I'm sensing a lot of negative energy coming from you guys. You seriously need to mellow it out, get some good vibes flowing up in here. Let me burn a little incense and we can-"
"Uh, thanks George, but we're gonna pass on that," Phoenix said, now holding back both Dan and Springer. "We're just gonna head home now. I... you guys may not want to come with us." Dan and Springer both foamed at the mouth/muzzle.
The hippy pony bashfully batted away what he perceived was a compliment. "Aw, it's all good, man. But for real, we didn't come all this way for nothing. We've decided to honor you-"
"With the delicious taste of a Charleston Chew?" Fusey asked.
George shook his head. "Nope," he said, killing the Futurama reference. "We've decided to honor you with the world's largest electric didgeridoo!"
*WOB-WA-WA-WOB-WOB-WOB-WOBWOB*
"I've never thought of killing somepony with a giant didgeridoo before," Dan remarked. "That's so weird. I mean, I was detained in Australia all that time and the thought never occurred to me. That's just so weird."
"It is an electric didgeridoo, so the electricity gives us a lot of options to- wait, why am I thinking this?" Phoenix asked himself out loud. (It's really happening. I'm starting to think like him. And... I'm not afraid.)
"That's a good point, Nicky, but you also have to be careful when disassembling powered things," Dan added. "To be honest, I'm more of a fan of ironic weaponry, so the idea of shocking them all to death with it does come to mind, but I feel like we've done a lot with electricity already. Especially with Lightning Claw behind us."
Lightning Claw, however, with the immediate danger subsided, was focusing on other things. He looked among the hippies, some of them clearly families. He thought of his brothers and wondered where they were. He knew what he had to do next.
"So what are we going to do now?" Phoenix asked. "I vote against harming the hippies... in any way."
"I VOTE TURNING OFF THE DIDGERIDOO!" Blast Fuse said, hooves in her ears.
"Hey, that's not just any didgeridoo- it's the world's largest electric didgeridoo!"
*WOB-WA-WA-WOB-WOB-WOB-WOBWOB*
Dan clapped his hands. "Alright, listen up didgeridouchebags. I now own all of you and you will do exactly what I say."
One of the girl hippies rolled her eyes. "Ugfff, we are SO anti-possession, seriously." The concept of being a slave was completely lost on the mare. She disagreed with the concept of private ownership more, and the notion of losing her rights and being subservient was only tacky to her rather than a violation of her personal liberty.
"Like, you totally need to get with the times."
"Okay, that's it. KNIGHT! Front and center!" The colossal mechmare landed next to Dan. "Send 'em all to the Mormon Dimension! Make it snappy!"
"Hold on," Captain America said calmly, "I have an idea."
They all slowly turned to him. "Oh, this is gonna be good. What's your idea, Stevie?" Dan asked.
He rubbed his chin. "It's going to take all of us, but I know how to get us out of here. And it's going to take the world's largest electric didgeridoo."
*WOB-WA-WA-WOB-WOB-WOB-WOBWOB*
Central: Two Cartons of Orange Juice and Two Hours
Vinyl and Octavia were outside Ponyville, putting the finishing coat on the new Ponyville west side gate. The west side of Ponyville was the fashion district, and so they were painting the new gate with a regal, bold purple as a primary with a passionate pink as secondary. The walls were high and proud, with the new gate adorned in decadent golden bars that escaped the shade when they opened outward in a sweeping motion, as if to dust the road itself and welcome visitors into the lap of Pony luxury. Of course, not all visitors appreciated such luxury.
Like Becky and Chelsea. Vinyl and Tavi had to keep looking over to the other side of the gate to make sure the two griffons weren't murdering each other.
"Chelsea, I swear to gold."
"How many times do I have to explain this to you? This is OVERLAPPING."
"That's not overlapping! THIS is overlapping!" The blue griffon said, demonstrating. "You make one stroke, then you brush down on the edge next to it-"
"And that's not overlapping- that's just the edges overlapping," the red griffon argued. "This is overlapping, where you make one stroke and then another on top of it and another on to-"
"THAT'S NOT OVERLAPPING. THAT'S-"
Vinyl turned around. "Hey Tavi, you hear that?"
"Yes. And I'm afraid I'm going to be hearing both of them for a long time."
"No, not that. There's something else." Tavi turned around. She didn't hear anything at first over the two griffons shouting, but she began to feel something. A rumble vibrated its way through the ground, almost reminiscent of her cello. And then, they both saw it: a giant wooden tube of some kind covered in ponies, a pair of giant pony robots trying desperately to steer with a crab-spider-lobster-like mech in back trying to prevent the tube from flipping. It rolled over the hills just outside of town, carving a ditch into the landscape.
"What... is that?"
"I'm not sure. Probably Dan," Vinyl said.
"That would make sense. Should we open the gate for them?"
"Probably won't make a difference but, why not?"
"At least, they're nowhere near the store, this time," Octavia said, remembering back to the last time they were involved in Dan's escapades.
"That hasn't stopped it from getting wrecked before." The two mares unlatched and opened the gate before backing far enough away from it.
"True. Becky! Chelsea!"
"WHAT?!" the bird girls cried.
"Might want to get out of the way."
"Oh. OH CRA-" The giant electric didgeridoo was the size of a house and as long as a train. It smashed through the gate like it was made out of building blocks, pushing past the entrance and in to Ponyville's fashion district.
Vinyl and Octavia walked back to the pile of debris just as the dust cleared. "Becky? Chels? You guys okay?"
The two griffons popped up out of the rubble. "So are these ruined bricks overlapping?"
"I don't know. ARE THEY?!" The two proceeded to fight amidst the trashed gate. Vinyl and Octavia shook their heads and resumed painting the rest of the gate. They alternated their strokes so that one overlapped and the other reapplied.
The world's largest electric didgeridoo plowed through the street. Ponies, crystal ponies, zebras and griffons carefully and very gently moved carts and wagons out of the way as if such an event was almost natural. The makeshift sled stopped just short of a shining gold statue in the center of a roundabout, finally coming to a halt in a cloud of dirt.
"Nicky... Nicky!" Dazed, Dan stumbled and then fell off the didgeridoo. "Niyyyrrrr," he yelled, face on the ground.
"Why... why didn't we just walk back?" Phoenix asked, equally dazed, sliding off the log. (Please, ground, stop being slanted now.)
Captain America hopped down, unscathed. "Alright, I admit that wasn't one of my best ideas." In the background, Lightning Claw hurled lightning. "Is everyone else okay?"
"All systems are nominal."
"Yeah, I'm fine. I think we might have wrecked the road, though."
"I'm just happy both my girls are safe," Vo said, having changed her name to a more-personal one sometime after the planet was fixed. "I'm the closest thing you both have to a mom, so I have to make sure you don't hurt yourselves."
"I didn't know weaponies of mass destruction could have moms. Cool."
"This arrangement is acceptable."
"Ponyville... home." Marksaline looked around. For the first time, she seemed as if she was completely there in the present place and time, observing everything as a pony. Her lips matched her words. "Sister is here." She prodded the ground with her hoof. "The voices... the voices here are happy. They speak not of death, but of rebirth. It is nice."
Unlike others, Phoenix was paying closer attention to what Marksaline had to say. "Voices... and songs. You said the Sword Spells were singing? And the voices... there are voices here?"
She nodded. "The voices here are happy. They do not speak of Convergence, it may have happened already." She picked up a leaf from the road. The leaf bent and screeched in her hoof, as if it sensed it was apart from the plant it was attached to. Marksaline's horn glowed... and the leaf disappeared. As if it either was never meant to be there, or as if it had always meant to be somewhere else. "There is wholeness here. It would be nice to stay." She smiled.
"The voices..." Phoenix turned around. "The ponies? No... no, you mean everyone. Don't you? And the songs are..."
"The swords in the temple sang for destruction. The swords can hear very far, and they sing the songs of other voices. She forced them to sing a song for this world's Convergence... I think someone sings through her, and she hates it."
"Songs from far away," Phoenix repeated. If a voice was a person, then a song... had to be a spell. Or an idea, maybe. The Sword Spells channeled ideas. "Vice Grip said he needed Dan because Dan... wanted to take revenge on Earth."
Marksaline nodded again. "He is a voice of anger and he speaks much destruction. But the message of his heart is love. The father wants him to conduct a symphony of annihilation so that Earth can Converge. Dan's message was not of destruction though, so the swords sang of peace instead."
"The Sword Spells rely on someone wanting to destroy something, needing to destroy it," Phoenix surmised. (We knew that much already... but Vice Grip wants to destroy Earth and the Director wants to destroy Equestria. So she needed to connect the Swords somehow, magically, to other dimensions where someone wanted to destroy the planet. And make another universe in its place.)
She smiled at the lawyer. "You are a good protector."
"Hehe, thanks." (I'll take that compliment even if protector means something else for her!)
She giggled. "You protect with questions. You ensure the light's brightness by seeking it constantly, even in darkness so that it does not blind you. Your voice is very brave and sometimes silly!"
"Haha, I almost understand what you're talking about!" (I wonder what she'd think of Edgeworth.)
Marksaline's eyes glowed. "Oh, his voice is sad, but it is getting happier. He is happier for knowing you and the seer. He is... with the lucky one and the dreamer. They are near another gateway, but they do not know where the entrance is. They are looking for you." She looked past Phoenix over to Dan. The spy and the peaceful one are close. They seek the loud voice."
Before Phoenix could inquire more, Dan walked over. He pointed at Marksaline, eyebrow quirked. "What's she doing?"
"I... I don't know, but, do you have friends? Like, on Earth?"
"A few, can't say I terribly miss them but... yeah, I kinda wonder what they're doing," Dan admitted. He would never say it aloud, but he did care for Chris and Chris's wife, Elise Jr.
Marksaline's glowing eyes and horn turned to Dan, casting a red glow upon him. "They search. For you. They know not of this world. The Scorned One seeks revenge, but he does not know where you are. He will come for all you have built, to tear it asunder once the Dark One and the Forsaken One are dealt with. You know his name, but not his face."
"Well, that's... something," Dan said, oblivious to the foreshadowing directly in front of him. "So, everyone's alive- even the bad guys, unfortunately. Wanna go home?"
"Yes, yes I do. I think Twilight will be very interested to meet Marksaline."
"Great, she can sleep in Twilight's room. That glowy-eye stuff is creepy enough in the daylight," Dan remarked. "Stevie! Redfield! Round 'em up! Follow me, we're headed to the safest place in town! The Golden Oaks Library!"
His announcement was met with cheers by the whole group. The hippies, who hadn't been on the sled, but who had followed them back to town, dragged the didgeridoo to a secluded corner of Ponyville and proceeded to craft their own dwelling out of it. The world's largest electric didgeridoo became a hippy motel, and the hippies switched to the world's largest electric harmonic kazoo. They were not allowed to play it in town, because of the possibility that it might disrupt things like Vinyl's bass cannon.
The group of humans, mechs and ponies arrived at the Golden Oaks Library. The library was experiencing an extra amount of shade, for some reason. Only a few of them- Knight, Colress and Cap realized it was from the Danfiant hovering directly overhead.
"Okay, Nicky, read the new guys the house rules and get them registered with the security system's targeting systems. I've got other business."
"Right," Phoenix nodded. "Best to get it out of the way, first thing." The lawyer stood in front of the door to the Golden Oaks. "Alright guys, everyone has to hear and agree to the rules of the library before entering. Also, please remain still so that the GETOFFMAILAWN does not vaporize you."
"Hahaha, get off my lawn, that's funny," Spinner said.
"I'm serious about that- the targeting system is kind of glitchy. You could get blasted into a pieces if you don't stand still," the lawyer said.
Ace raised her hoof. "I can vouch for that."
"Indeed, you can," Phoenix said, retrieving a scroll from his coat pocket. "So everybody just stand perfectly still while I read the rules." The scroll unfurled, hit the ground and continued rolling in a comical fashion all the way to the mailbox. The tiny scotsman's jaw dropped as he watched it hit the post. "Rule Number-One: Dan is Number-One. Rule Number-Two: Nicky is Number-Tw- Dan did you write these yourself?!"
"Of course not!" Dan said, opening the last lock. "Twilight wrote them."
"Oh. Well then why-"
"I dictated them."
"OKAY THEN WHY AM I-" Dan entered the house, seemingly oblivious to his best friend's outburst. Somewhere at the same time, his other best friend and his other mortal enemy were making their own arrivals.
Dan walked into the Golden Oaks Library. He saw everyone there and was happy to see them, but he didn't acknowledge or greet any of them as he walked through. He noticed them all, though: Twilight, his girlfriend, Fluffle right next to her, Spike and Owlowiscious who was wearing a helmet for some reason, Tuxley and Reginald who looked to be blocking the other exit and Khan Noonien Singh who stood next to the stairwell, arms folded, smiling.
Dan walked through the others, paused briefly at Khan, looked up at him, said nothing as the human smiled back at him, and then continued on. Dan continued to the kitchen where he opened the fridge, grabbed a carton of orange juice, unscrewed and tossed the cap and guzzled it. He continued drinking, draining the entire carton of its contents as the entire household stared at him.
Twilight approached. "Dan-"
He raised a hand for her to wait while still guzzling orange juice. He drank the entire carton and then tossed it over his shoulder, opened the fridge again and got a second one-gallon carton of orange juice. He then guzzled that carton, forcing everyone to continue watching him in silence.
"Aahhh. That's the stuff. Spike, put OJ on the shopping list," Dan said.
"Dan," Twilight started again.
"Not ready," Dan replied instantly. He walked back up to Khan, looked at the man's attire, then back up to his eyes. Khan's smile was unflinching and unbroken as Dan glared at him, the two said nothing. Dan then went over to Chrys and grabbed her by the tail. "Bedroom. Now." He dragged her to the stairs.
"Okay guys, gonna be about an hour," the changeling replied.
"Two hours," Dan said.
"Gonna be two hours, guys." He dragged her up the stairs and a door slammed behind them. After a couple moments, they began to hear what sounded like a cat and a dog fighting and breaking furniture. Fluffle Puff drifted back up to the ceiling and 4th-walled into Dan's room. Quaking sounds joined the cat and dog ones for no reason at all, or all the reason in the world. One of those, probably the former.
Phoenix walked in at the head of the rest of the gang. "Heyyy... Twilight, we have uh, a few more guests."
"I can see that. We were just talking to another... guest," Twilight said awkwardly. She gestured to Khan.
"Is that... is that Khan? The... KHAAAAN Khan?"
Khan smiled, turning to the lawyer. Twilight started to offer, then thought it better to let him speak for himself... for the moment. "Ah, my reputation precedes me yet again. It seems quite many of you have heard tales of my... exploits. And I, of course, have heard of you: Nicholas Wright. The Phoenix of the Courtroom."
"Meep." (Did I seriously just meep?)
The augment prince strode over to Phoenix, every step carrying power and resolute confidence. He looked over Phoenix, who was very, very slightly taller than Khan as he approached. "Yes, it would appear many of us are already known entities in this world, aren't we?" He looked over Phoenix's shouder. "Captain America and Christopher Redfield... and you, Dan, your magistrate and myself. Two soldiers, two advocates and two judges. But where are the accused and the accuser?"
Phoenix's head was swimming. Khan's charisma came off in waves that could almost be felt, and the things he deduced were almost prophetic the way he said them. How long had he been here? The lawyer didn't know he was there and yet, it seemed like he somehow knew things even they didn't. "I... I don't..."
"Introductions. We are all invited here, one way or another, are we not? I am called Khan. It is a pleasure to meet you, Phoenix wright," he said, extending a hand to shake. Phoenix took the man's hand, but Khan grabbed him and shook at the wrist instead. It was an older gesture, one that felt incredibly off, but exuded Khan's power.
"Invited?" Cap said, stepping forward. "I don't remember being asked to be transported to this world. Whoever wants us to be here isn't the type that asks for permission."
Khan nodded. "Indubitably. Yet regardless of how we came to be, here we are. And so whoever had reason for us to be here, must have reason for us to remain."
"I think we should wait for our fearless leader before we introduce ourselves," Chris said. "Sounds like it might be a while."
Twilight slowly turned her head to Tuxley. "We have some tea in the meantime, if you all need something to eat or drink."
Tuxley turned to Twilight. "Tea? Twilight, one does not have tea twice so early in the-" The pony zipped the lizard's lips and he got the message. "Tea it is. Reginald will help you find your seats."
"Of course," Khan said, smiling at Tux. "Though it is a tad late for tea, isn't it, Mr. Tuxley?" The t-rex swallowed.
A couple hours later, Dan descended from the staircase, a satisfied grin on his face as he stretched. "Ahhh, that's the stuff." He scratched himself in an unflattering manner, contented self-satisfied smile and half-glazed eyes settling on his expression as he entered the kitchen. He acknowledged no one, leaned back in his chair and put his feet in an adjacent chair between Twilight and Khan at the head of the table.
"What were you doing up there with the..."
Dan glared at him. "Chrys. MY girlfriend."
"Oh. Well, that explains it."
"It sounded like you were fighting up there," Spike said, curiosity clear in his tone. He'd gotten over his jealousy after Dan taught him "the moves" and had now accepted the position of eager learner in the field of romance. It was a subject even Twilight wasn't well-versed in, being more of an experience-based learning subject rather than books. She was not entirely inexperienced though, and like Spike, she was also eager to learn, as usual.
"You could say that," Dan said, smirking.
"So, what exactly was it you were doing up there?" Twilight inquired. Phoenix remained uncharacteristically silent. His cell phone buzzed and he opened it.
"We were... making a... sandwich," Dan said. Which was kind of true, what with Fluffle Puff being involved.
"You were making a sandwich? With all that yelling?"
Dan turned, looking across the table at Twilight. "It was a very angry sandwich. It tastes better when it's... made with rage."
Twilight quirked an eyebrow. "It... does?"
Dan nodded and silently mouthed, like you have no idea.
"Wow," Twilight said, eyes wide. "I... would not have imagined that."
Khan, listening quietly and intently, simply raised his teacup and offered, "When Love speaks, the voice of all the gods, makes heaven drowsy with the harmony."
"Shakespeare," Captain America said, munching a sandwich of his own. "That's from umm..."
He nodded, still eating. "Yeah, they do a lot of Shakespeare in Central Park. Bucky and I used to try to take girls there during the summer. "Try" being the uh, operative word."
"Well, if you don't mind me asking," Twilight began, eyes drawing towards her. "How did you get here, Mr. America?"
"It's just Steve, actually, Steve Rogers," Cap replied. "Captain America's... well, more of a nickname."
"You mean it's a title," Chris corrected. "We call him Cap- that's the nickname."
"Thank you for that, Redfield," Cap said, chiding him. "Anyway, Steve, Cap, whatever. It's fine. And to be honest, we don't really know how we got here," he said, looking around the room. "Chris and I were looking for his sister in Las Vegas. We ended up finding a former Umbrella agent who had infiltrated both Hydra and SHIELD, some girl calling herself 'The Opportunist.' Chased her through a couple of hotels, then opened one door and... wound up here."
"You're sure it wasn't Ada?" Phoenix asked, looking up from his phone.
Chris glared at the lawyer. "It wasn't Ada. Last I heard, Leon and Rebecca were searching for her in New Zealand."
"Again?" Cap, Phoenix and surprisingly Spike asked him all at the same time.
Chris looked down. "Yes, again," he muttered.
"Huh. I opened the wrong door on an airplane and fell through a hole in the sky, wound up here," Dan said, continuing to casually lean back. Finally, they all looked over to address the proverbial elephant in the room, Khan. "So... how'd you get here?"
"Well, we're from Colorado Springs," Blast Fuse began. "We were originally supposed to be in a Fallout Equestria story, but then we got into Game of Thrones for a while and then-"
"Not you two destructive dinguses. OR YOU," Dan said, silencing Spinner before she could speak. "I'm talking to Khanie over here. So, Montalban, what brought you here?"
Khan paused to take a sip of tea. "Well, I must admit, I am just as perplexed as all of you. What I do know is that I was recovered by the crew of the... Danfiant, as you call it now. It would seem Starfleet was more reluctant to awaken me this time. I remained dormant, locked in stasis within the casing of the Genesis Torpedo, when Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor found me." Another sip, another smile. "Was it curiousity or fate that guided them to me, I wonder?"
"Neither, it would seem," Tuxley offered. "If you were indeed brought here for a reason, to fulfill some other purpose, tis most likely the aptly-named Director is responsible, as you suspected. We have encountered her already and it would seem she has the power to transport certain figures from other realms into this one."
"We don't have any evidence of that," Phoenix pointed out. "The only things we really know about her are what we've seen, what she's said and what we've heard. We still don't really know-"
Twilight got out of her seat. "She's a lot of things, just like she told us. She is... Equestria." The room was quiet, even Khan looking concerned at the revelation. Twilight looked out of the kitchen window. "She showed me a lot of things. Where she came from, what had happened, her past and her future... who she is, is a lot of things. What she is, is simpler. The Director is a majora."
"Oh, dear," Tuxley said.
"Oh no," Dan added, as if he already knew, strangely.
Spike raised his claw. "What's a majora?"
Twilight turned around. "There's a theory that when a universe is born, it requires an antithesis. An act of creation of such magnitude simultaneously requires an opposing force of annihilation. A majora is that antithesis: an evil spirit composed of dark thoughts and a desire for complete and utter destruction of everything. The Director's name is Cleo and... it doesn't appear she wants to be a majora any more."
"Fascinating," Khan said, the first to process the new information. "A being of such destructive power... I am almost reminded of Genesis."
"The Bible book or the science project you came out of?" Cap asked.
Khan smirked. "Both, captain."
"Majoras have trouble existing in the physical world. They usually attach themselves to items- like a book or a doll."
"Or a mask," Tux stated, voice even.
"And then, they can possess others through that item, filling their minds with dark thoughts. But the Director doesn't seem to be doing that. She's made up of disused ideas and concepts from other universes, other Equestrias that she has killed. That she was forced to kill. I saw her, and she's..." Twilight swallowed. "She looks like the Fausticorn. The Director is a mirror of the Creator, like Her if She was twisted and dark and... evil."
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder raised their hooves. "We were created by a dude, though."
"That explains so much- nothing at all. That explains nothing at all, thank you," Dan said. He put his feet down, finally, and leaned forward to grab a scone. "How do we beat her? To beat or not to beat, THAT is the question. See? I know how to Shakespeare, too. No thanks to Ye Olde Shakespeare Dinner Theater," he said between bites.
"To be or not to be," Khan corrected. "Hamlet. A tale of madness and vengeance. Both of which are familiar to us, are they not?" He raised his glass to Dan. The shorter human rolled his eyes and scarfed another scone.
"I'm not sure we can destroy her," Twilight admitted, difficulty creeping into her voice. "Or that we even should. She is Equestria, the past Equestrias, the magic of this world and... more. She came into being unintentionally, if I'm right, and she's meant to destroy this world at a certain time. But she's done this to so many other Equestrias she no longer wants this. She's tired of it and... she just wants to be with her friends."
Dan had nothing to say to that. He sat there, mouth between bites of scone, staring at Twilight. The others were the same.
"And when th-"
"Holy squee!" Dan exclaimed. "She just popped up out of nowhere! Holy crap, jeez, don't do that. Okay, I'm fine, I'm fine... you can keep going now."
"And when the fields were bare at the end of the harvest, this reaper threw down her scythe and begged to leave. But there was no one around. The skies grew dark and on that day, she wished she could cry for after all souls had been harvested, she was alone. The only soul she wanted to take was her own."
Twilight nodded. "Equestria, the Equestrias before, they're like... tests. Some ponies like Starswirl are chosen to be spared from it when the world is... wiped clean, so to speak. Someone picks and chooses who lives and who is, well, erased. And the Director is the eraser and doesn't want to erase any more. She's trying to bring the world close to destruction in order to avert this path... and she wants to save us in the process. She was here," Twilight looked down. "And she tried to 'save' me and my friends."
"Ah!" Khan said, surprised. "Nicholas, did you hear?"
Phoenix looked up from his phone. "Oh, uh... yes?"
"Motive, dear defense attorney. Yes, we have uncovered what may be the motive of the Director," he said, leaning forward. "She is a creature of substantial power but must wield it for a purpose she does not desire. She seeks to save her friends, which is why the two of you were trapped in the underground facility. This Cleo... we are all special to her. Destined to destroy this world but in her heart, she longs to deliver us. This explains her motivations."
"Again," Dan leaned forward, hitting his teacup on the table, "this doesn't help us. If she's trying to save us, she's doing a pretty bad job of it considering as how we nearly died like fifty times. And the planet nearly exploded. Where was she while we were in the evil tube?"
"That was when she came to me," Twilight said. "She tried to convince me to come with her. I fought her and I must've hurt her, somehow. She must've been incapacitated while you were underground."
"Huh. Alright, that explains that, but onto the important matter... HOW DO WE TAKE THIS WITCH OUT?!"
Twilight shrugged. "I don't know. Even understanding her and her powers, I really don't know what to do or where she is. I'm not sure she can be really fought."
"Is there someone who does know?" Captain America asked. "If there was anyone who did know, who would they be?"
"Princess Celestia," Twilight said without missing a beat. "And she's still missing."
"So finding her is priority numero-uno," Dan stated. "I think we can safely rule out Douchebag Central for now. If they were there, they're probably extra crispy by now. So how are we going to find the princesses?"
It was an important question, but silence was his answer. None of them even knew where to begin. Until.
"Oh. OH! Crap, I know a place we can look," Spinner said.
"Oh, yes. Well, we can at least give you some idea, I mean," Springer, still next to her, added.
"Where?"
"Canterlantis. That's where the rest of FIST went. The sea ponies made a deal with Vice to invade Equestria along with Gust Grasp and Zen Zeal. Unlike those two, the sea ponies didn't go through with it. Not from what we can tell, anyway. But they might know where Vice took the princesses," Springer explained.
"Whatever," Dan said. "We find it, we kick seapony bass until they give up our friends. We put the fear'a Dan into 'em, they won't screw with us again."
Twilight nodded. "I'll do some research. But seaponies are mostly considered myth in Equestrian lore. They haven't been seen in hundreds of years... many believe they don't exist."
The room was quiet. Gust, who had slipped to the living room, had only been casually listening in when he realized he could help. Took him almost a full minute to realize it, but realize it he did. "Uhh... what?"
"Gust? What are you doing?"
"I was just listening-"
Twilight frowned. "Put it back."
Gust waved his claws defensively. "I didn't steal anything this time! Okay, I checked everyone's pockets, but I didn't take anything. But seriously, I overheard what you guys were talking about. The seaponies? I know about those guys."
"You do?" Twilight asked. "What can you tell us? Do you know where Canterlantis is, where they come from?"
"Oh yeah, we know loads about 'em. They show up near icebergs in the Easterly Easy Sea sometimes."
"Icebergs?" Tux asked. "Do you mean they're frozen in ice?"
Gust nodded. "Some of 'em, yeah. Lots of stuff is frozen in those ice caps, they say. All sorts of creatures we thought vanished a long time ago. Us griffons like to harvest icebergs; we just yank the things out of the water and then boom, got all the ice cubes you want. They'll last over a year if you keep them really cold. But sometimes, we had to fight the sea ponies to get 'em. We only do that when we really, really want the ice, though, like if we think something's buried in it."
Twilight braced her hooves on the table. "Wait wait wait wait, you said you fought them? You actually fought them? Your pirate crew?"
He nodded again. "Few times, yeah. Their magic is pretty tough, and they got tech to match."
That immediately got attention from Twilight, Phoenix, Cap and Dan. "Magic? What kind of magic?"
"Uhh, the 'magic' kind?" He shrugged. "They didn't pull any rabbits out of a hat, if that's what you're asking."
Twilight shook her head. "No, I mean spells. There are three core types of spells: energy spells like shields and beams, natural spells which involve the elements, illusionary... which would be like the rabbit-hat trick."
"I like that one," Dan said. "Everyone loves bunnies."
Gust thought for a moment. "I, hmm... I guess they used a lot of all three. But it was mostly based on the water. Like, they used the ocean for most of their stuff."
"Okay, now what about this technology? What kind of weapons were they using?" Cap asked. "Anything you can tell us could be helpful."
"Hmmm," Gust through, remembering back. "They used a lot of harpoons, drills and... suits."
"Suits?" Cap repeated as soon as Gust said it. "What kind of suits? Were they heavily armored and could they fly?"
"I doubt they were anything from Tony's arsenal," Phoenix said, patting his friend on the back. (Though, with some of the things we've seen, I wouldn't be surprised.)
The griffon shook his head, to some relief from the others. "Nah, they were like, reverse-diving suits or something. They were super-heavy armored with lights on the heads or something. Some of 'em had big drills or something on the hoof parts and others..." he thought hard. "Nail guns. Rivets, I think, big ones."
"Rivet guns?" Phoenix asked.
Gust nodded. "Yeah, I think so. They were tough and they could use magic with these suits. They threw fireballs and stuff at us, one time they summoned a swarm of bees."
"Bees?" Twilight asked in disbelief. "Bees? In the middle of the E.E. Sea? That's not... that's almost impossible, even for most nature spells."
"I'm telling ya, I had deckhands covered in bee stings for like a whole week."
"Hmmm," Dan thought. "An armored suit that throws fireballs, shoots bees and comes with heavy weapons. I want one."
Twilight nodded. "This merits a deeper investigation, in more ways than one. If you've spotted seaponies in the Easterly Easy Sea, then that's a good place to start looking."
Dan grinned. "YES! And the plan practically makes itself! We get a big block of ice, dump it in the water, wait for the seaponies to show up and then nab 'em! We catch them in like a big net or something, an electric net, break 'em out of their suits and make them tell us where Canterlantis is. Ice fishing for seaponies with an iceberg as bait. How's that for a fishing story?"
Phoenix gave him a hearty slap on the shoulder. "Our Dan with a plan is back! Knew you hadn't lost the touch, buddy!" (Dan's back for better AND worse!)
"It'll take us some time to set up this trap," Twilight said. "In the meantime, I'm going to try and learn everything I can about the seaponies and their magic. Gust, I will need your assistance."
"You got it, prin-bro-cess... err, princess-bro... umm," he thought. "... Crap. I can't think of a good combination of princess and bro," Gust admitted, stumped.
"What about bro and pony?" Twilight suggested with a twinkly smile.
"Oh, please," Dan rolled his eyes, getting up. "As if anyone would ever combine bro and pony."
Spike pointed. "Don't you say brony sometimes?"
Dan glared at him. "That's a fair point, although, counterpoint: shut up." Spike just smiled a him slyly. "Anyway, in the meantime, I'm going to check in with the rest of the town, make sure the defenses are up to and running."
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder raised their hooves. "We volunteer to protect the town!"
"While you guys are hunting seapones."
"We already gave everyone in the town a free bomb!"
"So now we should really get around to teaching them how to use them."
Twilight nodded. "That's a good idea. And another potential disaster. Mr. Tuxley and Mr. Reginald?"
"Mm, yes, Miss Twilight?"
"Can you both supervise the two bomb sisters? Make sure they don't turn Ponyville into a giant crater?"
Tux removed his hat. "We will do our best, Miss Twilight."
"Khannie, you wanna join me?" Dan asked. "I can show ya around town and I can show you what real superiority looks like."
Khan laughed, a mixture of surprise and genuine amusement. "Hahaha, truly? Yes, I'm sure there is much I could learn from a tour. I look forward to it, shall we?"
"Absolutely, new buddy. C'mon." Dan ushered him out the door and closed it behind both of them.
"Okay. I'm gonna hit the books. Gust? Come on... I'm sure you'll like hearing about all the treasure seaponies undoubtedly have," Twilight said, tempting him.
"Oooooh. Yes, I would like to be your study-buddy."
Twilight chuckled. A little motivation never hurt, when it was the proper kind and the proper goal. Phoenix stopped her before she left. "Uh, hold on, Twi?"
"Yes?"
"I think you might wanna check in on... Chrys, when you get a moment," Phoenix said, pointing upstairs. "She's been up there for a while."
"Okay...?" Twilight said. "Let's go, Gust. There's a treasure trove of learning waiting for us."
Gust smiled. "That sounds really lame. Go back to talking about seapony treasure."
She rolled her eyes. "Sunken treasure, then."
"Mmmmmmm..." The pair hopped up the stairs but made a quick stop at Dan and Chrys' room. Twilight opened the door.
"Huh?" And behind it, she found... Dan. Sitting up in his bed. Eating a sandwich, typing on his cellphone.
"Hey, Twilight. Mmm, tastes better when you make it with rage." Fluffle Puff was under him, being used as a pillow.
Twilight did a double-take. Then a triple-take. "But- weren't you just- wait. Chrys?"
Dan smiled, shaking his head. "She just left. Her Dansguise is getting pretty good, isn't it?"
Twilight pointed. "That was Chrys?! That whole time?!"
Dan stretched. "I was tired, needed a break, so I let Chrys be me for a while. Now, I'm talking to her on this headset and texting Phoenix while they're out showing Khan exactly what I want him to see."
"Wow," Gust said. "But wait, how do we know that wasn't the real Dan down there and you're not Chrys pretending to be Dan?"
The human grinned, winked at Twilight. "Ah, turkey sandwich," he took another bite. "I think you'll always be able to tell what's really going on... if you look below the surface."
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship...
"Everyone, I have an important announcement to make!"
"You found our friends?"
"You found the bad guys?"
"You're gonna marry me?"
"No, none of those things. You all suck- except Chrys. No, not you, Other Chris. You suck. No, I am announcing we are going on vacation!!"
"Does that mean you're finally leaving?"
"Screw you, Other Chris."
Dan decides he's earned some time off.
"Alright, well, enjoy yourself, we'll be here when you get ba-"
"You're coming, too."
"Squee."
And he's taking all his friends with him. Whether they want to come or not.
"Dan-"
"Did you read the sign, Twilight?"
"Yes, but Dan-"
"What does the sign say, Twilight?"
"It says 'I'm on vacation.' I can read, but Dan-"
"Read the whole sign, Twilight."
"Dan, this isn't the time to-"
"It says 'I'm on vacation and I hate you all.' What does that mean, Twilight?"
"DAN FOR BUCK'S SAKES!"
Although, it's more of a working vacation for some.
"It says X marks the spot. So where's the X?"
"I don't see an X- there's just a giant Q."
"It doesn't say Q. It says X! X marks the spot!"
"WHAT DOES Q MEAN?!?!"
And they're not the only ones...
"On behalf of Canterlantis, by the order of Ponseidon, this island is the official property of seaponies! Return to the mainland at once!"
"Okay, you guys are gonna have to wait like two weeks before I can kick all your butts. I'm on vacation."
"Dan-"
"Make it three."
Next time, we put the 'getaway' in tropical getaway!
"Squee you! I'm fishing!!"
And the 'retreat' in island retreat!
"THIS ISLAND IS CURSED WITH MORONS!!"
"Wasn't like that before you got here."
"SHUT UP!!"
Episode 17: A Last Resort- Dan Vs. The Seaponies! Join us for a tropical ego trip of a lifetime next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"Q's a name, and it happens to be mine. How do you do? I'm Q."
Gilligan wasn't exactly sure what he was doing, but he was sure it was important. He knew it was important because the Professor told him specifically it was important, so it had to be important. Even if he had no idea what it was.
"Gilligan! Gilligan!" The Skipper's voice came from the jungle, accompanied by the usual sounds of him making his way through the tropical underbrush. "Where are ya, little buddy? Say something!"
"Over here, Skipper."
"Gilligan, have you seen my tools? I left them on my workbench last night and now they're-" he stopped. "What are you doing with my tools?"
"Oh, uh, I'm working on something for the Professor. He said he needed my help making an antenna."
"So you're making them out of my tools?!"
Gilligan nodded. "Sorry, Skipper. There's not a lot of materials to work with, so I had to borrow them."
"Borrow them? You're just borrowing them?"
He nodded again, still working diligently.
"And exactly how were you going to return my tools when you're turning them into some kind of contraption?!"
Gilligan held up a hand to stop him. "I only work on one problem at a time, Skipper." *Laugh track*
"Uggh," Skipper groaned. "Well, what's it going to be an antenna for? The radio?"
"No."
"A signal beacon?"
"No."
"A rescue transmitter?"
"No."
"Well then what the heck is it for, Gilligan?!"
Gilligan shook his head. "I don't know, Skipper. We haven't built the rest of it yet." *Chuckle track*
Skipper sneered. "And how exactly are you going to build anything else when you're using the tools as an antenna?"
The first mate turned to his long-time friend with a knowing look in his eyes. "We have to start somewhere, Skipper." The Skipper swapped him with his cap. *Laugh track*
"Uh huh. And what are you going to do next?"
He held up his hand again. "One problem at a time, Skipper." *Laugh track, horizontal screen flip transition*
Minutes later, Gilligan and the Skipper arrived on the other side of the island. Ginger and Mary Ann were building a sand castle that looked exactly like Canterlot. Thurston Howell III, the 'Millionaire' was very busy lounging while Professor Roy Hinkley, Ph D was tinkering with a large crate of bamboo.
"Professor! Professor!"
"Ah, Captain, good to see you. Oh, and Gilligan. Done already? Errm, what's that junk?"
Gilligan shook his head, holding up his invention with one hand. "This isn't junk, professor- this is the antenna you wanted me to build."
The Professor sighed. "Gilligan, I told you we needed to build it with the tools, not to build it OUT of the tools." *Laugh track*
"Oh," Gilligan said, setting it down. "That does seem to make more sense. Sorry Professor. And uh, sorry Skipper." *Chuckle track.*
Skipper rolled his eyes. "So, you're the one who put him up to this, professor?"
"Oh, yes but this whole idea was actually Mr. Howell's."
As if on cue, Mr. Howell looked over to the both of them. "Haha, hello Gilligan! Skipper!"
"Mr. Howell, what's this all about? Why have you got Gilligan and the Professor working for you?"
"Ah, well it's almost time, my boys," Howell said, getting up as they approached. "Is this the antenna? Ah, yes, good, good job, Gilligan." He accepted the cobbled-together contraption from Gilligan.
"What do you need it for, Mr. Howell?"
The Millionaire went over to the bamboo crate and flipped it over, revealing it to be a giant television set. He fixed the "antenna" atop it. "To watch Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship, of course!" The t.v tuned in to a broadcast of Equestria with surprisingly good quality for a television mad of bamboo. "Pull up a chair, you boys have earned a rest."
The castaways gathered around Mr. Howell's lounge chair to see the latest episode, Mr. Howell leaning back in sheer indulgence.
"Hey Skipper," Gilligan asked as the intro came to a close, "How are we going to get your tools back now?"
The Skipper leaned over, eyes on the screen. "One problem at a time, little buddy. One problem at a time." *Laugh track, fade out.*
"Hahaha, read 'em and weep, kids. The high hand," Dan declared, setting his cards on the table.
"The high hand?" Twilight asked, skeptically.
"Yeah, wouldn't it be the high hoof? Because we're in Equestria?" Spike asked.
"High whatever. The point is, none of you are beating this one. Might as well just fold it up."
"Really?" Twilight asked, rubbing her chin. "Because even according to the rules you told us, I don't think this is a winning hand."
"What? Of course it is. That's just the luck of the draw, Twilight."
"This is really the high hand?" Twilight asked, looking at the cards. "It's pair of sevens."
Dan shrugged. "Luck of the draw."
"Well, before you go cashing out, maybe we should see what everyone else's hands are first."
All around the table, most of the others folded. Blast Fuse and Blast Powder were making a house of cards, then subsequently trying to blow up that house of cards with tiny card-bombs. "I call this bomb Kevin Spacey!"
Powdy shook her head. "Fuse, too soon. Like, seriously, just too soon."
"There is no time like the present, Powdy."
"It's still-"
"NO TIME!"
Chrys and Fluffle Puff also folded. "I'm just happy I got to be in the game."
"Thppp thpppbb thppth thbbbb." This game is rigged.
Finally, Gust Grasp held up his cards in front of his beak. "I thinff I goth a frush," he said through bits of scone.
"A frush? What the *squee* is a frush?" Dan walked around to him and looked over his shoulder, the griffon showing him his cards. "Oh. Well, I got two sevens and you see, two sevens beats a 'frush.'"
"Ahh, thank you," Gust said, nodding.
Dan took the griffon's cards for himself, burying them and the evidence under the deck. "Easier than Takashi." While Dan 'cleaned up,' the other humans were enjoying other recreational activities in the living room. Phoenix, Cap and Chris were watching Marksaline play Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 as Phoenix.
"I didn't think you were in this one, Nick."
"I... I wasn't. At least, not according to my contract." (Is this a hack or something? A mod? What are we even looking at?)
"But one of many Phoenixes named Wright."
At the same time, Khan, Tuxley and Reginald sat across from each other in the recliners flanking the couch. Although they appeared to be enjoying the 'finer things' at the moment, their eyes were fixated upon each other.
"You are a cultured... specimen... are you not, Mr. Tuxley?"
"I endeavor to culture myself, if that is what you mean, your highness," Tuxley responded. The reptile pressed his claws together in the shape of a pyramid, his inquisitive eyes on Khan. It had been two weeks since Dan had rescued the CMC and Captain America, Chris Redfield and, most surprisingly of all Khan, had moved in with them. Despite his well-known villainous past, he had yet to display any of his past nature recently. Not yet, anyway.
"I must confess, you have me at something of a disadvantage. Having my... less-than-finer exploits immortalized in film has given you the burden of preconception about me," Khan said, leaning forward. "But I know nothing of you."
Tuxley nodded in acknowledgment, not sympathy. "If one wishes to know of something, one must ask, your highness."
"And I would not call it a burden," Reginald added. "I'd call it... insight."
"Reginald," Tuxley shot him a glance.
"Apologies."
Khan smiled, holding up his hands in mock defense. "No, no, I would expect nothing less. You are right to prejudge me. Or at least, the man I was."
Oh, there it was. Tuxley knew it from the moment he began his overly-dramatic gesture: Khan was trying to play them. The reptile now knew for almost certain that Khan was going to take the opportunity to make him seem like he had been 'redeemed' only to betray them later. This was the start. Out from the corner of his eye, he saw Reginald glancing back at him and he knew his compatriot was well aware as well.
"The man you were, Mr. Singh? Whatever do you mean?"
"The man I was, Mr. Tuxley," Khan said, his smile growing slightly brighter, "was indeed not a man to be trusted. But did this man not have a motive, a reason for him not to be trusted? A singular passion which had consumed him, making him who and what he was? Driving him, in a way."
"Driving him to insanity," Tuxley said bluntly. He leaned forward. "And now you will claim this man is dead. Yet here sits a man, already of which you bear no grudge for prejudging, yet you wish for some reprieve from condemnation. If this is indeed the same man, how am I not to suspect the same driving force? Tell me, Mr. Khan, what is it that drives you now?"
Khan shrugged, spreading his hands softly, gently. "Mr. Tuxley, Mr. Reginald, all three of us are in our own ways relics from another time. But this is a new world for all of us, myself included. I have abandoned what you have seen of me in the film in which it was captured. Now, I have been given a second chance. I don't wish to waste it. Atonement may not be possible, but surely, advancement is."
Tuxley held up his claw. And now, he was smiling. "If I may be so bold, Mr. Khan, but it seems you have taken the opportunity to prejudge me. I'm afraid I must correct you; I did not claim to be a relic. I only work with them," he smirked. "Second, atonement is always a possibility and both atonement and advancement can take many forms. Finally, you ended your last sentence on a preposition."
Khan's smile faded. "I appreciate the... lesson, Mr. Tuxley. However, you seem to be suggesting that I do my best to correct myself at all times."
The reptile stood, victor in this battle of wits. "I'm suggesting you be mindful of your actions, Mr. Khan. A first step towards both advancement and atonement is to be more mindful." He walked over to Dan and the others.
"So once again, why does two sevens beat every hand?"
The entire rest of the group sighed. "Because you're Dan."
Dan nodded. "Exactly. And being me, you auto-win."
"I can be you," Chrys said happily. "And it's really fun to be you, too." Dan covertly shot her a glance telling her to keep her voice down on that piece of information. She nodded once, understanding.
"Is that some kind of Dan-privilege?" Fuse asked.
Dan shook his head and replied simply, "Luck of the draw, Fusey. Luck of the draw."
"Fluffle Puff's eating the cards again," Spike said.
"Eh, she has to get her fiber some way."
"I thought she got it from ham."
"Ham, Yu-Gi-Oh cards, what's your point?"
"These aren't Yu-Gi-Oh cards..."
"Tuxley! Get over here and change the subject for us," Dan exclaimed.
The reptile approached quietly, eyes firmly on Dan and the others. "We must watch Khan. I don't believe he is trustworthy at this time."
"I watch everyone and I don't trust anyone. Both of those bases are already covered."
"Dan," Tux leaned forward, "I am serious. He's hiding something- his motives and possibly more."
"Awww. You're sure we can't be friends with him? He seems like such a nice space nazi." Twilight and Tuxley responded to Dan's comment with glares. "Alright, fine. Like I needed another reason to distrust someone anyway."
Just then, the front door to the house opened. Rainbow Dash, Derpy and Daring Do flew overhead.
"Excellent," Dan said, clapping his hands. "Flygirls, give me the good news. Have we found the kingdom of sea ponies?"
"Well, almost," Rainbow said, spreading a map on the table over slobered-on cards. "We've narrowed it down between some point between the east coast of Equestria... and Bangclop."
"Bangclop?" Twilight asked, drawing a couple snickers from the Blasties. "That's clear on the other side of the globe."
Daring Do removed her pith helmet. "My records aren't exactly as up to date as I'd like them to be. It's been hard, but using this map should at least let us chart a course and scan an area between here and Banclop."
Tuxley looked at the map. "I believe I may be of some assistance. If we were to use this map along with-" Something shook the house. A rumble pierced the walls, short but strong.
"Cannons. Cannon fire," Twilight said. "We're under attack."
"Red alert! Red alert, battle stations!!" Dan yelled. "Find out who it is and find out who's flank we need to kick!"
"Dan!" Gust said, managing to get all their attention. They whipped around to see the griffon holding a communicator. "I just got a call from Clutch."
"And?"
"They're here. It's the sea ponies."
In that instant, Khan was walking over to join them just in time to hear everything. He smiled. "Might I be of some assistance?"
Everyone seemed to have become struck awkward with Khan's offer of aid. Twilight was about to jump in, to try and diffuse the situation when Dan surprisingly did it for her. "Wait just a minute there, Khannie. Didn't you say you were a prince earlier?"
Khan paused, seeming to consider more than just the question. "Yes, but my kingdom is long gone. After my first, shall we say, exodus, my followers and I-"
Dan held up his hand. "Yes or no will do, Ricardo, we're under attack here."
"I'm no longer a prince. My kingdom was destroyed."
"Thppp-thbbb-thppp-tpppthth." Join the club, we meet on Tuesdays in the Fun Cave. Bring a friend and detergent. And ham.
"But you're still a prince," Dan stated, "And that means it's my responsibility to protect you. As Captain of the Royal Guard, Sparkle Division, I'm gonna have to ask that you stay right here while Co-Captain Chrys and Ace Attorney General Nicky assist me in driving back the seapones."
"Ace Attorney General?" Phoenix repeated, scratching his chin. "I like the sound of that." (Though I hope it's more 'attorney' and less 'general.')
"For your safety, your highness, sit tight in the house. Stevie and Redfield will protect you," Dan said, turning to the door.
"Hold on, you want us to watch him?" Chris asked blatantly. Cap tried to stop him, to no avail. "We're not royal guards, though."
Dan walked back over to them. He booped both the humans on the nose. "Boop, boop. There, you're deputized. Welcome to the Royal Guard, Sparkle Division." Another explosion rocked the house.
"Deputized?"
"More like conscripted," Cap commented. "I guess it's a bit ironic in my case."
"Fantastic, watch the Khan-man. Nicky, with me. The rest of you, get on the ion cannon and start shooting back at whatever's shooting at us."
"I've got to get to my ship. I'll try to make sure they don't get as close to the town as I did!" Gust announced, flying off to join his griffons defending Cloudsdale.
Dan stopped at the terminal next to the door, the control station for the security system. He pressed what appeared to be an absolutely random combination of buttons. He then picked what looked to be a dixie cup attached to a string on the side of the machine. "Loudmouth to Windbag, come in Windbag. Loudmouth to Windbag, come in."
An image of the Mayor's office appeared on screen, along with Apple Bloom. "Heya Dan." The filly was wearing a combat helmet over her signature bow.
"Apple Bloom?" Another explosion close by- the house shook along with Apple Bloom in the Mayor's office. "Where's the mayor? Why are you answering for her?"
"Uhh, she's kinda busy right now. Hold on." She hopped off screen. A moment later, she was back with a very frazzled Mayor Mare, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. The fillies were wearing helmets, the Mayor wore an exasperated expression.
"Dan! Where are you? We've got problems!"
"Yeah, that's kinda obvious at this point, and why are you not using your designated code name? This is WHY we have the drills, Mayor!" Dan yelled into the cup.
"Fine, Loudmouth this is... this is Windbag." A few chuckles came from both behind Dan in the treehouse and the mayor in her office. "We've got seaponies! They're attacking the whole town from the ground and in the air!" The screen changed to a view of Ponyville from one of the surveillance cameras mounted on Town Hall. High above Ponyville, the heavily-fortified Cloudsdale and the griffon carriers surrounding it looked more like a scene from a sea battle. The trio of ring-shaped carriers looked like life rafts on one side of the cloudy city, keeping it afloat while a group of ships that looked like sea monsters attacking them.
Dan zoomed in closer on the city. The sea pony vessels WERE sea monsters: giant squids, octopi, several creatures that Dan couldn't even pronounce like the singular giant amomalocaris were all laying siege to Cloudsdale and Ponyville at the same time. A pair of large jellyfish swam by, oddly enough wearing matching robes and crowns like they were royalty. They didn't seem to be involved in the combat, however.
"Okay, well, that's new. Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'fly fishing,'" Dan remarked.
"What about on the street, Mayor?" Phoenix asked.
"Those ion cannon things you installed are keeping their beasts at bay, but they've got soldiers marching on us from the north side of town!" she exclaimed. The screen showed several of the newly-installed ion cannons blasting a large armored ray that hovered close by. The gigantic sea creatures were covered like colossal war mounts, bristling with weapons. The only sea ponies Dan saw were riding them, wearing armored suits as expected.
"They're going after the power plant," Dan said gravely. "The dam is the only thing powering the ion cannons. If they so much as nick it, we could lose the guns. Probably should have checked on the extension cords by now."
"Extension cords?" Phoenix stopped him, "Wait, you're saying the ion cannons are plugged into the power plant by an extension cord?"
"Extension cordsss, Nicky," Dan corrected. "Ion cannons take a lotta juice."
"But an extension cord?"
"Cordsssssssss."
"Cordssss-whatever, why are they only plugged in with extension cords?!!"
"You realize how many double-A's we'd go through if we didn't use extension cords? Yeah, yeah, I get it, not the best idea. We'll upgrade them all AFTER we save the town," Dan turned back to the mayor. "We're on our way to the power plant, Mayor."
"Good. Apple Bloom, Diamond Tiara and their other friends are trying to work on Knight; they have some kind of plan to drive the sea ponies back. We need you to hold them off as long as you can!"
"They're not trying to get their cutie marks for defending the town, are they?" Dan asked, skeptically.
Mayor Mare rolled her eyes. "Of course they are. But they might be onto something. Just do your best to protect the power plant until we're ready!"
"We're on it, Mayor. Remember to answer with your code name next time!" The screen cut off. "Let's go, Nicky!"
"Right behind you." Phoenix grabbed their weapons of choice from the umbrella stand by the door. The ion cannon on top of the library began opening fire as Twilight and Fluffle manned the guns.
"Girlfriend!" Dan called. Chrys' head popped up from the hallway. Marksaline's head appeared underneath it. "Stay in touch, love-bug-schmoopiekins. I might need you."
"Okie dokie lokie pahokey, loud-love-snuggle-bear. Good luck!"
"Good luck to us all," Dan said, gravely again. He then cheerfully added, "Be back for lunch! Save me some haybacon!"
Dan and Phoenix exited the library. The sky above Ponyville was a battlefield; ponies and griffons in squadrons fought various sea creatures. They used clouds as cover, darting through them and making them shoot lightning to confuse their foes. At the same time, the guns on the griffon carriers exchanged volleys with cannons mounted on the sides of the larger beasts.
"Wonderful," Dan said at the sight of the griffons fighting the sea ponies. "Turkey sub's group is fighting off a seafood buffet. Hope he doesn't wind up as the catch of the day."
"I could say something about sushi, but I'd probably regret it," Phoenix added. "Let's get going!"
The two broke into a run towards the north side of town, following the river all the way up to the dam. When they got there, seafood puns weren't exactly the first thing on their minds.
The hydroelectric dam that provided the bulk of the town's power was only a short walk from the Golden Oaks Library. Dan and Phoenix made it their in almost no time at all in a straight run. Only just now did Phoenix notice thin yellow line running along the other side of the river, just at the edge of the Everfree Forest- the extension cord. It must've been pretty durable to endure exposure to the raw elements, even with Cloudsdale's control of the local weather. Dan picked things that were built to last.
Dan stormed into the dam with Phoenix behind him. Affectionately known as Hoofer Dam, it was far smaller than its Earth-based relative but constructed similarly. The dam curved across the river, a larger water fall a ways behind it providing a constant source of energy. The entrance was a small glass booth on top near the Ponyville side. A sign jutted out above the door that read Pleasant Ponyville Power and Lighting Company and displayed a pony holding up a shining light bulb. On the upper-right corner of the sign were the words "NCR AND PROUD!" painted in bold, white letters.
"There's supposed to be somepony here," Dan remarked. The office didn't have much- a desk with a computer, three chairs and a stand nearby for visitors to check in. The most business the dam usually saw was the occasional tour or inspection. Behind the desk were the stairs descending into the power plant. The extension cord was slung through the cracked-open window and ran down the wall above the stairs, probably so nopony would trip over it.
"They could already have hit here," Phoenix said, raising his umbrella. "They might have set up traps. They could be setting charges or something to blow the dam right now."
Dan nodded. "Let's keep it quick and quiet. Get the drop on whoever's here before they get a drop on us." They crept carefully down the stairs into the power plant. The extension cord looked like a light fixture on the wall, but it eventually dipped back to the floor. The two humans followed it into the plant.
They could hear the plant's generators humming before they reached the main floor. When they reached the massive room that was the plant's first floor, they were surprised to see no one was there. Dan lowered his pain cane.
"There's no one here," Phoenix said, looking around. "No signs of fighting, nothing broken. Everything seems in working order." The generators hummed loudly, turbines spinning fast as water pumped through them. "Looks like the whole plant is in overdrive mode. But it looks to be alright."
"Yeah, except for the lack of kind-of crucial power plant workers," Dan reminded him. "Let's check on the plugs." He led Phoenix to the break room just a few meters from the stairs.
They followed the cord into the room, right up to where it was plugged in next to a worn coffeemaker. A surge protector on the floor had five additional plugged-in cords that ran through the back of the room, the five other ion cannons stationed throughout town. "Everything seems to check out."
"Good. I think, for now, we should barricade this room and-"
"Lemme double check." He reached for the plugs.
"Dan, wait-!"
And Dan waited, surprisingly. "Ah, yeah. Probably not a good idea to unplug them while they're providing power to the ion cannons."
"I know, I was thinking the same thing. It's a good thing you stopped yourself."
"It is," Dan remarked. He stood up. Both humans looked around for a moment. "Did we just... NOT do something that would have caused a catastrophe?"
"I... I think maybe we did. I mean, didn't."
"Yeah," Dan nodded, half-grinning. "Like we averted a mini-doom scenario. Haha, that's nice."
"Right? Finally." The two men chuckled, happily relieved.
"How about some celebratory coffee? Feels like it's gonna be a long day anyway."
"Might as well, if we're going to be guarding this room," Phoenix said. The lawyer tossed out the old filter, noticing the filter had an unusual marking on it: the three letters NCR. "Hmm."
"What?"
"This filter, it says NCR on it," Phoenix said, examining it.
Dan held up a dented tin of coffee grounds. "Yeah, it's a knockoff brand. New California Refreshments. Never even heard of them." He replaced the filter and water in the coffeemaker.
"Refreshments?" Phoenix asked. "Not Republic?"
"No," Dan said, checking again. "Republic of what?"
"I'm not... sure," Phoenix admitted. He looked at the tin for himself. On the front was a picture of two bears sitting on a patch of grass, one holding up a mug and the other a soda bottle. Cartoonish, but reminiscent of the state flag of California, where both Dan and Phoenix were from. Not necessarily where they were born, however, but their Earth-based residences nonetheless. It was also reminiscent of something else, something Phoenix now felt inclined to keep an eye out for.
"Let me know if you see any guys wearing weird sports equipment. Like... football pads. And armor. With skirts."
Dan stared blankly at him. "...I feel like I should ask why."
"Well-"
"I didn't say I was going to," Dan stopped him. "I'll keep an eye out. Bit outside our usual garden-variety craziness, anyway." He turned back to the coffeemaker. He was about to press the button to start it up, when he stopped. "Hold on... something tells me I shouldn't do this."
"Yes, now that I think about it," Phoenix said, looking around at the outlet and plugs, "that might be a bad idea. Turning on anything else might put too much stress on the generators. Cause a power failure."
"Huh. We're actually thinking ahead. Outside of planning, I mean," Dan remarked. "I'm not sure I like it."
"Like it or not, I think it's for the best." The two humans exited the break room, closed the door carefully so the cords went underneath it. Not the best solution, one that could easily be nullified if the sea ponies or if anything randomly happened to cut the cords, which was a possibility. But, it was one that would work for now. They set out to secure the rest of the power plant.
They searched the plant from top to bottom, level by level. There were no signs of sea ponies or sabotage, nor were there any power plant workers.
"Maybe they didn't attack the power plant," Phoenix finally said.
"Maybe... maybe this was all a diversion!" Dan exclaimed. "Back up top! Now!" They scrambled back up the stairs and out the entrance.
High above them, the battle had apparently spread out but otherwise remained unchanged. Cloudsdale appeared to be either repelling the invaders or had at least caused them to regroup. The distinctive zap-blast of the other ion cannons boomed in the distance. Streaks of energy rose up to the horizon to strike some of the larger, somehow flying, armored giant sea creatures. Although they weren't lethal, they still caused enough damage that the beasts did not venture too close to the city.
A red-colored two-headed shark darted through the sky, absolutely massive. It was being used for close combat by the sea ponies, with additional armor on the edge of its fins, stretched out like blades. The sea ponies were smart; the giant shark was among the creatures that thrashed and busted clouds, the primary defense and a useful tool for pegasi. This assault was clearly something planned. Thankfully, it came too close to the ground and the ion cannons combined their firepower to bring it down.
Screeching from two mouths, the shark fell and landed somewhere outside the west side of town.
"Heheh, I guess that's what happens when the shark jumps you, right Dan?"
"Heh," Dan got a chuckle. "That's a terrible reference but... actually not that bad a joke. But nevermind that!" he pulled out his cellphone. "Mayor! The power plant is safe, where else are we needed? Hello? Mayor?" Dan checked his phone. "Half a bar?! Why does the connection drop every time we need it?!?!"
Phoenix sniffed. "Dan, you smell something?"
Dan sniffed sharply. "Yeah, dam-smell, wet concrete, the overall scent of Ponyville mixed with a little brine."
"Brine," Phoenix repeated. He looked out across the river. "Like the ocean. Here. On a dam crossing a freshwater source. On the mainland." The two humans looked at each other. Carefully, they walked over to the edge of the dam and looked over the side to the water below. The water was rushing, clear but higher than usual. And it smelled briny and strong, also unlike usual.
The water wasn't that deep. Dark figures shuffled about underneath. A light shined up to the surface.
"They're trying to blow up the dam from the outside!!!"
Dan's fists balled in rage, his teeth clenched and he shook as molten fury overcame him. He shouted up to the heavens above:
"SEA PONIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Strangely, a foghorn blew just as he made the episode's title versus declaration. A few of the sea creatures stopped attacking momentarily and looked around to try and determine the source of the noise. They then resumed attacking Cloudsdale like a group of Godzilla monsters.
"We have to get them off the dam!" Phoenix yelled.
"The coffeemaker!" Dan said quickly. "We get it, we plug it in to another extension cord and dump it in the river! That'll shock them all!"
"That will cause the whole dam to get shorted out!"
"Right, right, bad idea. I remember now."
"But you might be on the right track," Phoenix said, looking around. "If we had something we could use to get them out of there, like a net or a crane."
"I don't think we're going to find something like that around here," Dan said, looking around.
"Well, there has to be something. Maybe we could drop something on them, like a box, and trap them like lobsters."
"Let's try the maintenance shed! C'mon, Nicky!" The pair dashed to the dam's maintenance area, just off the side of the road next to the entrance. There were two sheds nearby- one labeled Reliable and Practical Utility Tools that Can Be Used As Efficient Defensive Countermeasures and the other that had a sign above it that read Random and Obscure Video Game References and Unrealistic, Unnecessarily Overpowered and Unsafe, Unethical Weapons and Explosives.
"Which one do we use?" Phoenix asked.
"Hmmmm..." Dan rubbed his chin.
It was then Phoenix compared the two signs, finally reading them. "Unsafe, Unethical... oh crap." He swallowed. "Okay, now, Dan."
"Hmm?"
"I know what you're probably leaning towards."
"Hmmmmm."
"But... just think about how good we've been doing so far! We've done a great job thinking ahead, considering the impact of our actions before going through with them."
"Hmmmm..." Dan rubbed his chin, eyes squinting in consideration.
Phoenix swallowed again. "Come on, Dan. We've been doing good so far. We don't really need to resort to huge, over-the-top displays of violence now... do we?"
"Hmmm," Dan said again. He then smiled, walked over to Phoenix and patted him on the back. "Relax, Nicky. I think by now, we know exactly what the best course of action is."
"R-really? What's that?"
At the same time, the sea ponies assigned to demo the dam were almost finished with their operation. Because it was a covert mission, they weren't as armored as the front line seapony troopers or the Step Daddies. They also weren't happy about the job.
"Hurry it up, Ebby! If we don't disable those cannons, we can't land the rest of the battalion!"
"I know, Flow," Ebby said, struggling to set up one of the explosives. A shadow blocked her view. "You're in my light, Flow. Flow?" She turned around.
"Oh crap." A pair of wooden tool sheds, one full of explosives and weapons, descended from above. The water wasn't deep enough for them to swim out of the way in time.
A massive explosion blasted water up the side of the dam, showering Phoenix and Dan. The ground shook, the water roiled but the dam somehow remained in tacked and the power continued running.
"How's that for a dam tour? HA!" Dan exclaimed.
"I don't know how we haven't destroyed the entire town already," Phoenix remarked.
"Chin up, Nicky. Day's not over yet," Dan said, patting him on the shoulder.
"Do you even REALIZE how that's the OPPOSITE of reassuring?"
"No time for that! Let's get back to the Mayor's and find out where we're needed next!" Dan said, running towards the center of town. Phoenix ran after him, the two men leaving the dam scorched but safe.
Dan and Phoenix rushed through the streets to town square. Their eyes and ears were open for the sounds of sea ponies and as suspected, they heard them before they saw them. But they heard something along with the sounds of battle, something familiar.
"-and for my next trick, the Great and POWERFUL Trixie shall require three volunteers!"
They slowed from sprint to jog, and then jog to walk. Apprehension began to take hold of them, eye-widening apprehension.
"I don't know if that's a good sound or a very, very bad sound."
"Relax, Nicky, you're not in court with her."
Phoenix shook his head. "I'd rather go against Writhe again than Trixie." (The image of a pony Von Karma comes to mind yet again.)
"Huh. Come to think of it, haven't seen mustard boy in a while. I wonder where he got off to."
Phoenix anime-slumped. "I'm sure he'll show up the next time I have to defend someone who's in over their head." (Which is pretty much every time I defend someone.)
They came around to the front of town hall. As suspected, they saw a familiar stage out in front with the familiar wagon nearby. The familiar magician showmare unicorn occupied the center of the stage, hooves outstretched towards the crowd. But instead of the familiar audience of ponies and fans they expected to see, they saw:
"SEA PONIES!!!" Dan bellowed. "TRIXIE!! What the hay are you doing?!"
"Ahh, Dan and Mr. Wright! You're just in time for the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie's latest performance!"
"Performance?!" both humans gasped. A group of armored sea ponies charged the stage. Trixie stood, eyes closed in proud anticipation, as if the approaching attackers were volunteering to be part of the act.
Once upon a time, sea ponies could exist in salt or fresh water, and even travel on land for extended periods of time. This changed after the first great famine of Enchantria- the sea ponies were the first to leave the enchanted kingdom and unlike the others, they did not so voluntarily. They were forced out and over the time, conquered the seas and declared war on all who entered their watery domain. Once during the reign of Celestia, they even invaded Equestria, but were stopped by Equestria itself. Before a war could even truly begin, Equestria's winter literally froze the sea ponies in their tracks.
Since their first failed invasion centuries ago, sea ponies became myth. In reality, they lurked in the depths still, waiting to return. Why they chose to do so now was anypony's guess, but they did not come unprepared. Hundreds of years underwater has caused the sea ponies to require specialized water and environmental suits to travel on the surface or freshwater bodies.
As if being punished for their assault on innocent Equestria, sea ponies are in a way cursed and unable to travel for long outside their seas. The march of technology continues unabated, however, and the sea ponies have found ways to get around their difficulty. The most technologically and magically-advanced civilization in all of Equestria, sea ponies combine the strengths of the zebras, griffons and surface-based ponies to compensate for their reliance on the marine environment.
A trio of sea ponies advanced, mechanical limbs carrying them. A cross between pony legs and tentacles, the robotic attachments protruding from their suits carried them swiftly with half the noise of a gallop. They could be stealthy if necessary. Racing towards the stage, Trixie remained motionless.
"TRIXIE!! What are you doing?!"
"Move, Trixie! They're coming right at you!"
Trixie waved Dan and Phoenix away. "Please, please, do not block the stage, Mr. Wright and Dan! Prepare yourselves to be amazed!"
"They're going to make fish food out of you, Trixie!" Dan yelled. "Oh crap." A sea pony hurled a fireball at both the humans from his tentacle-appendage, forcing the two to dive out of the way.
"Asssshaaaelllassss bah-kay nath!" Whether it was another language or not, the sea ponies shouted something from their water-filled bubble helmets, but nothing Dan, Phoenix or Trixie understood. "Ensssshaaalaassss-ha!!" Their voices were distorted and watery, as could be expected.
The sea ponies leaped onto the stage. They surrounded the showmare but she didn't flinch.
"Are you ready to see some real magic?!"
"Garrrssshaella bah-kay nessk!" The sea ponies grinned. They raised their appendages, each glowing a different color- red, yellow and blue. Three magic-infused plasmids burned brightly.
Trixie's horn glowed in response. Her hat levitated up, only now did she open her eyes to peek at her would-be opponents. "For my next trick... I shall defeat you all without lifting a hoof. BEFORE Trixie's trademarked magic hat(available for purchase at greatandpowerfultrixie.com/merch) hits the stage! Are you ready?"
The sea ponies didn't waste time. A fireball from one's hoof, a bolt of lightning from the other and a thundering blast of force from the third. Their spells aimed right for Trixie at point-blank, but not a single one hit their mark. In a puff of blue smoke, Trixie vanished. The spells only caused the wind to rush below the hat, keeping it aloft just a moment longer as they passed underneath and right at the sea pony across from it.
"Blrrraaash!" "Graaaahh!" "Auulllsshh!"
Each sea pony was blasted by the adjacent assailant's plasmid. The fireball-flinging mare was hit by the kinetic blast and blown off the stage, the electro-shock stallion was engulfed in flames and tossed to the side and the force-firing stallion was zapped by electricity. He finally doubled over and fell off the stage.
Trixie triumphantly reappeared front stage, dipped just low enough to catch her hat on her head, spun around and bowed in a single motion, all with her eyes closed. "Thank you! Thank you, Ponyville! I'll be here ALL week!"
"YES! Yes, bravo! Bravo, Trixie!!" Dan applauded.
"Trixie, that... that was amazing!" Phoenix exclaimed.
The mare grinned and quirked an eyebrow. "Did Trixie not tell you that? Does the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie NOT DELIVER?!" From behind the curtains, two cannons rolled out and immediately fired. They blasted another six sea ponies who were rushing in from Mane Street, bowling them over like pins.
"Holy crap! That's some serious firepower you've got. Did you get it from the Blasties?"
"Actually, that would be Berry Punch's concoction, Mr. Wright," Trixie said, pulling back the curtains. Berry Punch and Blueblood were reloading the cannons.
"Fireworks mixed with a little something special," Berry Punch said, winking to the audience. "Courtesy of some friends of mine in Kentucky and their 1963 Statesman Reserve... uh, punch."
"Don't worry about the sea ponies, sir Dan. We'll make sure you're able to, erm, interrogate them later," Blueblood said.
Dan grinned. "Nice to see you helping out, your highness. Where's the mayor?"
And the P.A answered for them. "Dan! Sea ponies are advancing from the west! We need reinforcements at the west gate now!"
"We're on our way, mayor!" Phoenix yelled. "They must've landed troops out of range of the ion cannons."
"If ONLY I'd had time to get the lava moats set up around town." That comment drew a few stares. "Well, lava cleans itself. You try keeping a proper pH balance in a water-filled moat, then come talk to me."
"Trixie shall guard the town square, Dan. You and Phoenix take the fight to the sea ponies!"
Dan practically had a tear in his eye as he ran off. "Finally... you ponies are becoming competent defenders. JUST like I trained you to be. I'm so proud, have to go now. I'll buy tickets to your next three-hundred shows in advance!"
"You can get them online at greatandpowerfultrixie.com/tickets!" she called after them.
They rounded back up around the town square. Smoke was billowing from the west side of town, the fashion, style and garment district. The west-side ion cannons still fired, though, targets now getting further and further spread out over Ponyville.
"I'm half way... debating... going back and..."
"Getting the chariot," Phoenix said, the two of them panting. "Town full of horses that would be more than happy to carry us, a third of which that can fly and we're running."
"I keep forgetting to have Twilight summon my car. Have I told you about my car?"
"You've told me about your car."
"I'm gonna get Twilight to- to summon my car. Or a tank. Or she can summon my car and turn my car into a tank."
"I don't care as long as we don't have to run any more," Phoenix said, sweating anime-style.
And that was when something was summoned to them. Not a car or a tank but something they had seen before driven by two stallions they'd seen before. They pulled up to them in a jet-powered wooden contraption.
"Hello there, boys!"
"Fancy seeing you here, fellas!" The Flim Flam Brothers stopped next to them in their latest invention.
"Need a lift?" Flim asked.
"It's our latest creation!" Flam announced. "We call it the Flim Flam Brothers patented Super-Slammin' Jet-Jammin-"
"SHUT THE HELL UP AND DRIVE US TO THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN!!"
"And move over!" Phoenix said. The two humans pushed the salesponies to the side of the seat and buckled in.
But the salesponies maintained their smiles. "Sit right back, gentlemen, we'll take care of everything!"
"Thank you for choosing Flim Flam Fast Travel!" Their magic lit up the controls and the car, which just looked like a suped-up version of their last invention, sped off. But, this one had a few extra features, including a beverage dispenser which deployed from an armrest. "Ice-cold cider for the road, good sir?"
Neither Dan nor Phoenix said no. They downed a couple drinks in barely a gulp as Ponyville sped by them in a colorful blur. "Not bad," Dan remarked. "You're not going to ask us to pay for these now, are you?"
Flim shook his head. "Not while you're saving the town, sir."
"Besides, Granny Smith and Big Mac are paying your tabs."
"Great, I'll take a refill."
Before long, they were approaching the west gate. Sea ponies were pouring in but a group of ponies were fighting back. From a corner cafe and Photo Finish's store at the edge of town, unicorns, earth ponies and even a pair of donkeys were fighting back the invaders. They used tomato guns that fired explosive tomatoes, originally designed by Blast Fuse and Blast Powder.
Dan glared at the armored aquatic assaulting army. His eyes narrowed. "Floor it."
The brothers exchanged and nod and put on helmets. "We thought you might say that." A pair of helmets also equipped themselves to Dan and Phoenix's craniums, courtesy of the brothers' magic. "Safety equipment is tax deductible!"
"Just the same, I hope you're insured," Phoenix said.
"Fully," the brothers replied.
"HIT THE GAS!" The car blasted down the street, rocketing towards the gate. Fire streaked up from twin trails the wheels of the vehicle blazed as it sped down the street, the dirt cloud it kicked up quickly extinguishing them. The sea ponies had time to see what was coming and a few dove out of the way, but the car smashed into the bulk of the horde, plowing into them as it came through the gate like a missile on wheels.
The vehicle tumbled into the armor, propelled by its momentum, the engine burning groups of sea ponies as it flipped, wood and wheels splintering and breaking as it rolled. It finally came to a rest a few meters from the gate, a swath of smashed sea ponies in its burning wake.
Dan, Phoenix and the brothers, having observed proper use of safety restraints, got out of the wreck completely unscathed.
"Thanks for the lift, you two," Dan said.
"Don't mention it."
"Photo Finish's cameras caught the whole thing! Free advertising!" The two brothers quickly zipped away.
The sea ponies slowly recovered, standing and gathering around Dan and Phoenix in front of the wrecked rocket car. Dan grabbed a twisted board and yanked it off the wreck, Phoenix did the same.
"Haaasshaelas bassay neth!" The sea ponies surrounded them. Magic glowed on their appendages and in their armor, some had tridents which they aimed at them. A couple had what looked like water cannons that they aimed at the pair.
"You take the right, I take the left," Phoenix said. "All the way back to the gate."
Dan nodded. "Just like fishing."
"Spear-fishing," Phoenix smirked.
"Something like that."
"Aaagasssaelas! Tuuun tuuun bassay neth!"
Dan pulled back with the board. "I'm going to pretend you just said 'hello.'" He charged into the crowd of sea ponies. "AND NOW I'M GONNA SAY WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!!"
"A FINE welcome to you ALL!" The two humans lunged at the nearest sea pony closest to them. Dan smacked one of the bubble-helmeted ocean horses with the board, then swung over his back to smack another one. Phoenix swept at the legs of the sea pony closest to him and continued the motion, spinning and swinging his board into another. They fought this way, smacking and swinging and moving, bashing each combatant that came at them as they advanced further and further through the crowd.
Dan ducked as one through a fireball at him and the flames hit a sea pony being held by Phoenix. Phoenix judo-threw a sea pony over his shoulder just in time for Dan to stomp him into the dirt. The angry human elbowed and tossed a sea pony into a crowd of his friends while the lawyer used his board to flip one into another crowd. The pair then finally jumped onto the backs of two sea ponies and then dove back into the horde, coming down in a massive slam that broke each board on the face and helmet of four more aquatic invaders.
It would have been one of the bloodiest battles in Equestrian history if the sea ponies had bled. Instead, Dan and Phoenix left a soggy defeated swarm of soaking sea ponies and scorched shrapnel in their path back to the gate. The two humans were damp with sea water and their own sweat by the time they got back and closed the gates. The few sea ponies who had made it inside had already surrendered.
"Now that's what I call a day of fishing," Dan remarked.
"Dan! Phoenix!" the P.A system blared with the mayor's voice. "Sea ponies are breaking in from the south side of town! We need you there, stat!"
"Day ain't over yet," Phoenix reminded him. The two broke into a run back towards town hall. It wasn't even noon.
"No... they made me run. We're going to kill 'em all."
"Okay. I don't care any more," Phoenix replied. Both of them had sweat steaming down their faces. From the west gate, they'd ran all the way back across town, back to Town Square. Dan glanced up now and then to check on the battle for Cloudsdale. The griffons' ring-shaped carrier ships were still flying and Cloudsdale was still there. So were some of the larger flying sea creatures, including one very big one that looked like it could easily take a bite out of any of the vessels or the city itself. They were on their own for now; he had to remain on the surface to secure Ponyville.
The ion cannons continued their barrage. Unbeknownst to Dan and Phoenix, the Golden Oaks cannon actually fired a little faster than the others because Fluffle Puff and the Blasties were arguing over whose turn it was to fire the cannon. Despite Twilight's encouragement that they take turns, neither Blast Fuse nor Blast Powder could dispute Fluffle Puff's argument. Fluffle Puff's argument was simply "Thpppth."
Dan was in the process of determining the best type of torture to subject the sea ponies to when they arrived back at Town Hall. Their brains were in immediate combat mode- if something was still standing, it was a good sign. That's all they had time to check.
"We're gonna need reinforcements for the next round."
"Why do we need reinforcements? Oh, so we don't have to walk?"
"Yes, that would be why. Let's go find Trixie and Blueblood, maybe he has a segway or something stashed around here somewhere." They walked around to the front of the building.
"At least the Town Hall is intact," Phoenix remarked. "Trixie must've done a good jo-OHMAIGAWD."
"WELL THERE GOES THAT THEORY." Trixie's stage was cratered. A large, blackened hole was in the center and her curtains and cardboard decorations were on fire. Both cannons that Berry Punch and Blueblood had used were ruined, their hulks blasted off the stage, wheels broken. The three captured sea ponies were gone.
Dan ran up to the ruined stage. "Trixie! TRIXIIIIIIIEE!"
"Trixie!" They both yelled. "Berry Punch! Trixie!"
"TRIXIE!!" Dan yelled again. Reluctantly, he groaned and yelled. "And Blueblood!"
"Ahh-ooooohhhh..."
"TRIXIE!!" Dan vaulted over the stage. Behind it, off to the side was Trixie's wagon, overturned. Trixie, Berry Punch and Prince Blueblood were piled behind it, covered in pony bruises. And something else.
"Trixie is.... oooogghh," she looked up, her eyes rolling around her head and then finally back into focus. "I'm sorry, Dan. We weren't able to... to hold out as best as we would've liked." She straightened out her hat, now burnt and torn on top.
"What did this to you?" Phoenix asked.
"And... why are you wearing a fake mustache?"
Trixie looked down her snout. "Uggh, this is... NOT fake, unfortunately." Her horn glowed and a tiny razor appeared. "It seems the sea ponies have mastered number twenty-five. And they're using it as something of a taunt to disgrace the Great and Powerful Trixie's beautiful face!" The razor buzzed and quickly trimmed her facial hair.
Blueblood, wearing a long blonde mustache with matching goatee and Berry Punch, with the classic duster mustache, pulled themselves up. "There was... only one of them."
"We couldn't even hit him... and not for lack of trying," Berry Punch said. She pulled out a flask and indulged her namesake. "He was some kinda magician."
"Where's the mayor?" Dan asked. And then quickly realized, "Oh crap, we should've checked on the mayor!" The two bolted off towards the Town Hall.
"Yeah, we don't need medical attention or anything, just leave us here propped up against the wagon," Berry Punch said, not that the humans were paying attention. "At least I have you, children's show-appropriate beverage," she said, taking another swig.
Blueblood frowned at her. "Perchance will you be sharing any of that?"
"Not on your mustache, princess."
Dan and Phoenix burst into Town Hall. "MAYOR! Cutie Mark Crusaders! We are here to save you!" They didn't have to look far for a culprit. Right in front of the doors to Mayor Mare's office was a sea pony. Unlike the others, this one appeared to be important; his helmet was tinted purple and he was wearing a matching purple cape. The sea pony turned. The bipedal rescuers saw right away that this pony was different. Unlike the others, he was smiling.
"More interlopers arrive." His voice, still liquidy-sounding and somewhat distorted, was nonetheless clear and understandable. His tone was cool and confident. "Humans! So the legends are true. You have hidden much from us, indeed."
"Our voices are meant for the depths, not the surface! My arcane lets you understand me but my quarrel is not with you," the sea pony said, turning around. He turned back around but then paused. "Hmm? What's this? Oh, you are summoned, are you? So you fight for the updwellers?"
Dan pulled out his cane. "Honestly, this is a very nice room and I'd rather try to keep it intact. Isn't it nice, Nicky?"
"I've seen worse."
"True, true, but I think we should give it the benefit of the doubt," Dan remarked. "So please, step outside so I can kick your ass out here and we can at least save the architecture. Is that too much to ask for?"
"Mm-hmm-hmm, you two are quite the stand-up act. But I can come up with a better one," the sea pony said. He raised a staff that looked to be made of steel wrapped in coral. At the top was set of tuning forks with a pearl stuck protruding from a pearl. He swirled it around in the air and although it made no contact with the water, it sounded as though it had been plunged into a tide. The pear and forks glowed purple and a ball of purple light appeared in the center of the room.
Dan took that opportunity to rush him. "OH I DON'T THINK SO, ZULTAN!" Phoenix charged him, too, and the humans brought their weapons clattering into the sea pony's ceremonial armor.
"Gahh!" Surprisingly, the enemy did not dodge at the last second like so many others. So that was one cliche avoided.
"HIT HIM IN HIS FACE! HIT HIM IN HIS STUPID FACE!" They knocked him to the floor and Dan proceeded to beat him.
"I'm gonna break my umbrella!"
"I DON'T CARE KEEP HITTING HIM!"
"I like this umbrella!"
"AAggh, Aaahh!" The sea pony was pummeled but recovered. He blocked the humans' blows simultaneously and disappeared in a plume of orange flower petals... or burning embers?
"Great, and he teleports," Dan remarked. One for two on bad guy cliches.
"You said you wanted to take this outside? Alright then, I'm game." Dan and Phoenix spun around. The sea pony reappeared behind them in the doorway! "But two against one is hardly fair, fellas. I'm sure you don't mind me tagging in a friend!" He vanished in a burst of petal-like embers again.
The pair rushed back outside. "If we get to tag in someone, let's tag in Knight or one of the big girls okay?" Phoenix suggested.
"Or just screw this chump's rules and call all three of them over."
Phoenix nodded. "Or... that. That's a good idea, too."
The sea pony appeared across the ruined stage. Once again, he was swirling his tuning fork staff into the air. But this time, Dan and Phoenix didn't have time to react. The purple ball grew to a massive point and then fell like a drop of water, the sea pony summoner disappearing out of the way just as it hit. A potent magic act, indeed.
The drip crackled on the ground, a pool of purple-pinkish liquid. It reminded Dan and Phoenix of when the surface of Equestria was cracking. The world had almost ended. "Get a sponge, quick or something to cover-" Too late.
A column of light rose up from the puddle and exploded. In an instant, the magic substance was dispersed into countless tiny purple sparkles that descended to the ground and faded in twinkling light. In its place was something else, something tall and armored. It was like it had been standing there the entire time.
"GrrrGRAAALLLLLLL!!"
Dan and Phoenix both backed away. "What the heck is that thing?!"
"I... have no idea!" Dan yelled.
"GRAALLLLSSSSHHH." It turned a diamond-shaped eye towards the two of them. And lifted two monstrously-large drills at them.
The creature resembled a man in an armored diving suit colored in dark-blue and purple that had long since mixed almost completely into black. The thing must've been close to 8 feet tall and a pair of industrial-sized drills extended from its hands. A pair of black galoshes were on its feet, line by a neat row of barnacles that looked more like spikes. The drills began to spin.
"GRSSHHHALLLLL!!"
*CLANG* Dan ran up to it and wacked it with his cane. "Eyerrrah-ah-ah-ah!" The resonance vibrated through him from his own blow. The Step Daddy tried to backhand him with his drill, Dan only narrowly ducked to escape it. True to his nature, Dan smacked him again with his cane, this time on the other side. The Daddy's eyes glowed red.
"GRALLLLLLLL!!"
"I think you're making it angrier!"
"Gah!" Dan lunged to avoid the drill. "Okay! We need a new plan!" He backpedaled away from the beast as it lunged towards him, jabbing with its revved-up drills.
"Which plan?"
"Plan RA!"
"Rescue Attack?"
"RUN AWAY!!" Dan ran passed Phoenix and the other human broke into a run to follow him. The Step Daddy chased after them, surprisingly swift-footed for such a heavy creature.
"Hahaha! Priceless," the sea pony remarked, watching it all from the balcony of a roofless cottage. A ball of blue magic whizzed by him. "What?"
"The Great and POWERFUL Trixie thinks you don't have the courage to do your own dirty work!" the showmare, now on top of her ruined stage declared. Although her face was scuffed and her hat and cap scorched, she smirked at the sea pony. "Are you game for round two, invader?"
The sea pony rolled his eyes. "Alright, amateur. Let's see what else you've got."
Trixie grinned. "Oh, you haven't even begun to see what's in Trixie's bag of tricks."
Meanwhile, Dan and Phoenix were busy enacting their latest plan, though plan RA for "Run Away" didn't specify anywhere to run toward. So they were running around the Town Hall. Which is a circular building.
"I. HATE. RUNNING!!"
"Eeeep!" Phoenix jumped to avoid a drill-shot from the Step Daddy.
"Dan! Phoenix!" Mayor Mare appeared out of one of the rear windows.
"Mayor!" the two men yelled.
"We barricaded the front door. We need you to-"
"HOLD THAT THOUGHT!" Dan and Phoenix ran around the corner, still being chased.
Mayor Mare looked at the audience and frowned.
"OKAY GO NOW, MAYOR!"
"HURRY!"
"Dan, we're preparing something that can-" and they ran around the other end again. This cycle continued, so, for your convenience, we're gonna fast-forward this part.
Dan wiped the sweat off his brow as the library came into distance. That was when a thought occurred to Phoenix.
"Dan... the targeting system," he said, voice weary.
"It'll be, it'll be fine."
"How do you... know?"
"Because I programmed it, Nicky! We got the bugs worked out, you registered everybody, didn't you?"
"Yeah..."
"Then we're... we'll be fine," Dan said through labored breaths. "We just have to make sure we're not in the way of the guns, missiles and laser turrets when they target the drill guy."
"Great... how do we do that?"
The library bounded into view. And Dan didn't have an answer to that question. "RUN FASTER!!"
The ion cannon adjusted and fired as Dan and Phoenix ran towards it. The power of the massive orb-shaped gun attached to the roof of the library was so strong it caused the tree and the ground around it to shake with each massive blast. Dan and Phoenix even felt the beginnings of the vibrations through their shoes, but although the branches shook, not a leaf fell from the Golden Oaks. So strong were the renovations Dan, Twilight and the team had implemented that they absorbed each pulse with a serene grace.
Phoenix and Dan had a brief moment where they appreciated the library's resilience as they dashed towards it, dripping in sweat. Dan's shirt and jeans were soaked, as was Phoenix's suit but oddly enough the lawyer's hair remained just as spiked as ever, despite the combined perspiration and exertion.
"We're almost there!" Dan yelled. He brushed his arm in front of Phoenix. "Nicky, Nicky get behind me! Narrow-narrow our... just let me get in front, I'll block your shots."
Phoenix felt the arm on his chest and found his body was too tired to object, but his mind wasn't. "I... but... you're shorter than me, you can't-can't block my head."
"SCREW IT, Just..." he was almost too out of breath to yell. "RUN!"
The guns on the library deployed. Chain guns, machine guns, submachine guns, automatic turrets, semi-automatic turrets, lasers, phasers, tasers, blazers, phased-blazers, flamethrowers, lamethrowers, blamethrowers, missile launchers, rocket launchers, pop rocket launchers, launchers that launched rocks, launchers that launched launchers, launchers that launched the launchers that launched launchers(with side launcher), grenade launchers, grenadine launchers, lemonade launchers, rocket league launchers, rocket-propelled grenade launchers, grenade-propelled rocket launchers, sticks, stones, bones, iphones, land mines, sea mines, air mines, silver mines, gold mines, mime mines, your mines, a copy of the movie Enemy Mine, fuck this one is LONG, shotguns, pop guns, shot-pop guns, pop-shot guns, fun guns, stun guns, pun guns, terrible pun guns, terrible pun shotguns, the Guns of Navarone, the Gun on Ice Planet Zero, The Man with The Golden Gun's Golden Gun, the Man who Shot Liberty Valance(John Wayne)'s gun, a potato gun, a tomato gun, a potato chip gun, a brotato chip gun, flare guns, label guns, labeled label guns, labeled label guns not labeled labeled labeled guns, a frosting gun, a twenty-one-gun salute, the Second Amendment gun, the Twenty-Second Amendment gun, Johnny's Seven-in-One OMA gun, every gun from Borderlands, every gun from Fallout, every gun in TomSka's "SHOOT ALL YOUR PROBLEMS AWAY" video, every gun from Goldeneye the video game, every gun from Goldeneye the movie, every gun from Goldeneye the remade video game, every gun from holy crap are you still reading this? Every gun from Hot Fuzz, Lethal Weapon, Rambo, Kelly's Heroes, The Alamo, The Shot Heard 'Round the World, the gun store from Dead Rising, Tropic Thunder, Top Gun, Kong: Skull Island, every other James Bond movie and-
So many guns that the previous narrator refused to continue this reference and they were forced to hire a new one with a more eloquent and distinguished voice that somehow still agreed to work for less money.
-and a super-soaker that had been duct taped to the mailbox alongside the tiny Scotsman with his dart launcher.
"Grrruuuooooh?" the Big Daddy slowed down as the shadow of the Golden Oaks Library fell upon him. Bristling with weaponry, light no longer shone through the branches and leaves but rather reflected off the barrels, hulls and shells of the arsenal, blocking out the sun. "Grrrrooo..." Although the portholes attached to his armored diving suit were fixed on, the color changed from red to pink, an expression of eyes widening.
The guns fired at point-blank range. Everything unloaded, launched and fired at that single spot the Big Daddy occupied, causing an eruption of flames, smoke, energy and metal that could be seen from space.
"BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!" Dan and Phoenix were blasted off their feet by the blast and into the door. They hit the door hard, but it didn't break; Dan had thought of everything when designing the security system.
The front door opened. "Daaaaaaaaaaannnn! Phoeeeeeeeeeeeeeniiiiiiiiix! The others won't let me have a turn on the big eye gunny!" Blast Fuse whined.
Dan shakily got up and patted her head. "That's great, Elise, your parents are sure to be proud of you this time."
The exploding pony looked puzzled. "Who is Elise? Phoenix?"
"I'm gonna throw up."
"Ewww, don't do it in here," she tried to stop him but the lawyer shouldered past, all the way to the kitchen where he proceeded to vomit into the sink. Athleticism, the enemy of all non-athletes.
Dan, on the other hand, was too focused on the immediate safety and security of his friends/stuff(pronounced specifically friends-slash-stuff) to succumb to exhaustion. He engaged the security terminal next to the door and zoomed-in one of the security cameras to survey the carnage.
"I think we got him, Nicky!"
*Puking lawyer sounds*
"Turn on the garbage disposal when you're done- don't let it just sit there."
*Puking intensifies*
Finally, the dust and smoke cleared. The lawn had been devastated by the GETOFFMAILAWN to the point it resembled the bottom of a burned-out barbecue pit rather than a front yard. Dan grinned to himself, a job finally well done.
Twilight walked in from the side hall. "Fusey? It's your turn on the cannon, the others said." Fusey then popped and disappeared from the living room, reappearing instantly behind the controls of the ion cannon in the command center. Twilight reminded herself not to question physics.
"Dan, we've got another problem," Twilight said, tapping him on the shoulder.
"Fantastic, what now?"
"We just got word from Gust- the sky battle's not going well. The sea monsters the sea ponies brought along with them are armored and fast, faster than his ships."
"I thought the ion cannons were taking care of the beasties!"
Twilight nodded. "They are, but they can only do so much. Some of the monsters have switched to ground attacks and they've landed troops in the town. I've talked to Knight and the Mayor and they're preparing something for the big ones but we need to secure the ones on the ground." By secure, Twilight was using a nicer term for destroy or capture and skewer, which were the words Dan inferred from her speech.
Dan groaned. "Okay, uhh... maybe we try to lure them back to the library and blow them up? That's all I got right now."
Phoenix walked over holding a Japanese sports drink. Dan and Twilight looked at the drink, then looked at Phoenix. "Please don't judge me right now, please. Did we get rid of the diver, Dan?"
"Look for yourself, Nicky!" Dan exclaimed proudly. "Sensors show zero hostels. Hos... ho-stiles? HoSTILES. Yeah, those. None of 'em."
Phoenix looked at the screen. "What's that big hole by the mailbox?"
"Hole? What hole?" Dan spun around. Instead of seeing the carcass of his defeated enemy, as he hoped to see littering the scorched earth of the lawn, he saw a gaping gofer hole. With less charring around it than he would have liked. "Grrrrr..."
He barged outside. "No. No. No. There's no way. He couldn't POSSIBLY have dodged all that." He stomped all the way out to the hole, Phoenix and Twilight trailing him. Every step he said, "No. No. NO. NO. NO! NO! NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO!!!!!" he ran up to the hole and screamed into it, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NICKKYYYYYYYYY!!"
"Please, I'm right behind you. And my stomach just now settled."
"TWILIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! HE'S GOOONE!!" Down on his knees, he screamed at the hole, into the hole and back to his friends in frantic anger. "He tunneled!"
"What tunneled exactly?"
Phoenix downed his drink quickly. "There was a... a thing chasing us. Some kind of guy in a metal diving suit with drills."
"HE USED THE DRILLS-"
"-to dig his way out of the security system's line of fire, that makes sense," Twilight deduced.
Dan looked back down into the hole. "He better not have nicked the septic ta-OH MAI GAWD!" He jumped out of the way as the hole exploded.
"GRRRRRRRRAAAAAAALLLL!!" The Daddy emerged, completely unscathed. It towered over Dan and the others, drills raised, about to bring them down in a single strike.
The security system opened fire again.
"TWILIGHT, SHI-" He was cut off by the cannon fire. The missiles, the bombs, the artillery, all of it was unleashed once more upon the scarred surface of the lawn. And this time, they weren't inside the house- they were in the line of fire. They were fired on.
Dan and Phoenix clung to Twilight. Twilight held them, her horn glowing. Slowly, the three of them opened their eyes. "Oh, thank goodness."
"I love you, Twilight," Phoenix said, hugging her face. "I don't say it enough, this may even be the first time, but I love you. I love you both so much."
"Phoenix, please-"
"Nicky, back up, your breath smells like barf."
"Oh, right. Sorry."
The dust settled. They were able to see out of the purple translucent sphere of Twilight's shield again. "Ahh, well at least that-OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME."
"Hrrrr-hrrrrr-hrrrrr!" The Big Daddy retracted the two shields it had projected from its drills. The metal was singed, but unharmed.
"What in the heck is this guy even made out of?!"
"I think the better question is WHY DID THE GUNS STOP FIRING?!" Dan yelled angrily.
"Umm, I think they might be out of ammo," Twilight said. "Fusey and Powdey needed to make more guns for the rest of the town. They needed something to work with so..."
Dan nodded. "That's fine, we'll just kill everyone and then find out who to blame later."
Phoenix smiled. "We let you say those things because you only threaten those you love."
"Don't touch me."
"GRAAAAAAAAAA!!" The Big Daddy abruptly ended its polite pause so they could finish their conversation. He picked up Twilight's shield ball. "GRRR-HRRR-HRRR!!" The creature laughed triumphantly, holding the trio captive. He took one step forward and was brought down to one knee, instantly becoming a very clear reference to Atlas.
The Big Daddy looked down. A small tear in his armor was leaking. "Hrrrrrrrggg..." he growled and dropped the ball.
The shield disappeared. The trio stared at their opponent as he revved up his drills again, injured but still intent on crushing them. Dan, Phoenix and Twilight all saw the wound on his torso.
"Okay," Dan said, "I have an idea."
*BLAM-BLABLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM* A Flutterbird flying low strafed the Big Daddy with its gatling lasers and missiles.
"Graaahh! GRRAAAAHHH!!" The Big Daddy roared, its drill splitting open to deploy its shields again. It blocked some of the fire but blasts still scorched it, tearing into the armor around its giant boots and arms. Rather than continuing the engagement, the Elite Buster Daddy retreated. Its drills spun and it charged away by drill-dashing, a trait it gained from Alpha-class Daddies.
Phoenix laughed. "Great plan, Dan."
"Yes... I admire its effectiveness, too."
"More plans should be like that plan."
"Gonna make a note on that, yeah," Dan said, jotting Flutterbird Flyby down. But the Flutterbird hadn't exactly gone anywhere- it was still overhead.
"HEY MINTY! Is that you?"
Lightning Claw poked his head out of the side hatch. "Not quite! She's behind me!" Another Flutterbird flew down just to the side of Lightning's craft. Only this one had something else with it.
"Captain Dan, glad to see you alive," Captain Springer remarked. "We brought you something to help deal with the situation on the ground!" Springer's Flutterbird detached a large contraption from underneath it. It landed right in front of them and bounced a little.
"Minty, is that..."
"Springer... is that..."
"Guys? Is that..."
"We brought you a tank!"
Equestrian Armored Fighting Vehicle M. A. L-Arsenal Mane Battle Wagon Shock and D'aww
Meanwhile, inside the Golden Oaks Library, Control Center L.A.U.R.E.N Firing And Unilateral Systems Terminal
Fluffle Puff was getting sleepy, as Fluffle Puffs did when they fought evil for extended periods of time. She yawned adorably, stretched her fluffy legs adorably, and raspberried adorably.
"Awww, is Fluffle Puff getting tired?" Chrys asked, tending to her dear fluffy friend, even though both of them were tens of thousands of years old. Behind them, the wall-sized monitor displayed a 16-bit image of Ponyville, accompanied by matching 16-bit sounds as Blast Fuse and Blast Powder aimed and fired the ion cannon.
Fluffle smacked her lips lethargically and yawned, too adorably exhausted to respond with even a nod or a thpppth.
"D'aww. Hey, girls?"
"Yeah?" the twins responded without looking over their shoulders. Or blinking.
"I think it's time for Fluffle Puff's nap, are you going to be okay here?"
"Yeah."
Chrys did a double take. "Fusey? Didn't you just leave?"
"Yeah."
"How did- did you really get in and out of here that quickly?"
"Yeah."
Chrys frowned. "Are you two paying attention to me?"
"Yeah."
Walked right into that one. But maybe she could have some fun with that. "Are you both gay for Rainbow Dash?"
The two mares turned back to her from their seats very slowly. They both quirked corresponding eyes at her. They said nothing. Her changeling cheeks reddened.
"Well that backfired," Chrys said nervously. "Ima go now, you two have fun."
"Yeah," they replied, turning back to the giant screen. There wasn't even any point in pranking them; the Blast Sisters were seemingly inseparable, they went everywhere together. If she changed into one of them, they'd know it was her because she'd be out of sink with their Blastie twin-link thing. Fortunately, her other transformations were improving greatly and she had plenty of use for them.
Chrys walked back to the living room. Fluffle was too tired to use the stairs and so pressed a button that had never been there before attached to the banister. The stairs turned into an escalator which carried her to her room. She was about to follow her, but stopped to check on the others on the couch first. "Hey guys, you doing okay?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, we're alright," Chris said.
"Where are Tux and Reginald?"
Chris pointed at the ceiling. "They took a few rifles up to the roof and are taking shots at the sea ponies."
"Ah. And what are you guys doing?"
"Trying to contact the leader of the invasion force. Not making much progress," Cap said. He, Chris, Spike and Khan were on the couch, huddling over something on the coffee table.
"What is it you're trying to do, exactly?"
"Twilight wanted us to try and talk to the sea ponies, find out why they're invading," Spike said.
Cap nodded. "It's very admirable of her, to say the least. Reaching out to try and make peace with your enemy even as they're attacking you... that takes courage. Guts."
Khan had his arms crossed. "Attempting to reach out, at any rate. We've yet to make contact with the opposition and we've tried many vectors."
Chrys tapped a hoof to her chin. "Maybe I should check to see if our Chambers' coil is overloading our comms system."
The tall, dark-haired human simply smiled back at her. "Perhaps." They all knew Khan was a villain... or at least, that he had been. He knew they knew, they knew he knew they knew and so on. Still, he had yet to do anything villainous that they had seen. Chrys knew what it was like to try and reform. She may have been the only one who was willing to give Khan a chance. But she was still wary.
Twilight walked back in. She took a deep breath and then exhaled. "Well, problem solved. Or, problem caused. One or the other."
"Dan and Phoenix doing good? They taking it to the sea ponies and protecting the town?"
"They just drove off in a tank so... once again, one or the other." She shook her head. "Maybe I should reexamine the idea to building a second Ponyville right next to this one."
Chrys nodded. "Dan did say the Decoy Ponyville plan was a good one. Too bad we didn't know we'd be attacked or we would have implemented it."
"Speaking of that, any luck reaching the sea ponies, Spike?"
The dragon frowned, shaking his head. In front of the four males on the couch were assorted communication devices: everything from a CV radio and a telegraph machine to Chris Redfield's Hello Kitty cell phone and a Federation communicator covered the surface of the table.
Cap held up a rolled parchment. "We did manage to write a diplomatic message. We've tried broadcasting it to them on these devices but there's been no response on any frequency."
"It doesn't make sense," Chris said, shaking his head. "Coordinating an army that size has to take some kind of communication. Unless..." He stared down, not wanting to say it. "It might be something biologic."
Cap patted his friend on the shoulder. "It might not be. We haven't seen any sign of any... you-know-whats here, yet. We just have to keep our eyes open." Chris nodded, understanding.
Twilight was about to inquire as to what they were referring to, when something licked Chrys.
"GyyeeeGGH!"
"Their song is old and long. It hangs around them like a fell mist, blocking all else out."
"Where did she come from?" Khan asked. "She's new as well, yes? Does she have some sort of camouflage?"
"No," Twilight responded, then realizing she had no idea. "Err, maybe? But yes, Marksy is new... ish. I guess. Where's the others?"
Chrys pointed over her shoulder. "The Blasties are blasting things and Fluffle Puff's taking a nap."
Twilight sighed, knowing another friend, or group of friends, she had to check on. "I think that's a good idea. Nap time for everyone." She headed up the stairs.
Chrys clapped her hooves together. It was time to prepare for the next phase. Unfortunately, that might mean something a bit drastic. "Alright boys, you heard the princess. Nap time."
Cap did a double take. "Does- what? She didn't say-"
"Surely she wouldn't want us to stop trying to reach out to the sea ponies?" Chris asked.
Chrys shook her head. "That's exactly what she wants. And don't call me Shirley."
"Ha."
"But... but we don't need..." Spike tried to argue, a useless gesture.
"No buts, Spike. Get upstairs, all of ya," she said, cocking her neck. The two muscular humans shrugged and followed Spike upstairs.
Khan stopped in front of her. "Begging your pardon, but I don't believe I require a rest at this time. Wouldn't it be more useful if our talents were put to use... elsewhere?"
She shook her head again. "No dice, Khannie. Head on up and if you're not sleepy, you can read with the others but downstairs is off-limits. Library rules."
He smiled again. "Of course. I wouldn't want to betray your hospitality." He walked away, leaving her suspicious with his choice of words. She waited until he was all the way up the stairs and the doors were closed. Chrys then picked up the Federation communicator... and then went to the library's video section to retrieve a copy of Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan. There was more than one way for a villain to reform.
Up in the guest room, something odd had occurred. Although the boys weren't tired, they had suddenly found themselves in bed, in pajamas.
Captain America, Spike, Chris Redfield and Khan Noonien Singh were all under the covers of a large, fluffy pink bed, staring out beyond their feet.
"How... how did this happen again?" Cap asked.
Chris jerked his head, or maybe he was shaking it. "I-I don't know. But I feel... warm."
Khan, snuggled up next to Fluffle Puff, held a look of sheer bewilderment as he lay with his head on a matching fluffy pillow. "I... must confess my own confusion." He reached up, taking a cap off his head. Strangely, the cartoon characters covering the cap and his matching pajamas were oddly... familiar. "Freakazoid?"
But Fluffle was happy. She snuggled her sort-of friends in happy, cuddly, fluffy pony bliss, nuzzling each one of them somehow in a physics-defying snuggle.
Marksaline's head popped up from behind the bed to lick them. Her horn glowed brightly.
"Yo, they should make some kinda kickass armored thing that we could just drive around in and blow stuff up. That'd be awesome." ~Plato's "The Republic But With Tanks"
The tank glimmered with polished clear-blue Royal Guard crystal-metal armor. Supported on four large, durable and extra-thicc wheels, the turret on the front made the wagon look like one big, wheeled, armored pony. Next to the cannon were two smaller mounted tubes that resembled a pair of pencils tucked under the 'pony''s ears. The 'tail' of the wagon ended in a blade, presumably to dissuade any who might try and attack from behind.
The entire thing was so beautiful, the tank looked just like a tank. A big, beautiful tank, the tanks of which perfectly accentuated the tank. The tank, combined with the tank's tank and the tank with the tank, helped to emphasize the tank-ness of the tank with the tank and the tank tank tank, tank tank tank tank-tank tank. Tank tank, tank tank-tank-tank tank, tanktank, tank tankety tank tank with two tanks and a tank on top. It's a tank.
At least, that's what was going through Dan's tank, err, mind at the time.
"Now, Dan AND Phoenix," Twilight began, "I want you both to be very careful and responsible with the battle wagon."
"Twilight-"
Twilight closed her eyes. "Watch where you're driving, pay attention to where you're aiming and try not damage the town."
"Twilight," Phoenix tapped her.
"And above all, be safe. Buckle up and don't do anything dangerous."
"Twilight, he already jumped in the tank."
"I know," Twilight's eyes popped open. She then opened her wings, kicked off from the ground and took to the sky expertly. "And I'm going to be helping you!"
"What?!"
"What?!"
"Uh, what?"
Dan's head popped out of the top hatch of the tank to ask, "What? No, I mean actually 'what?' I was in the tank, I heard none of that. Also, GET IN THE TANK!"
"You're coming with us? I mean, that's a great idea!" Phoenix exclaimed. (Especially because you can shield us!)
"GET IN THE TANK!"
"Mm-hmm," Twilight nodded. "I want to speak with the sea ponies, find out why they're attacking us. And also prevent Dan from killing them all."
"GET IN THE TANK!"
"You... think you'll be able to do that?"
"I don't see why not, once we can translate their language."
"GET IN THE TANK!"
"No, I meant preventing Dan from killing them all."
"Oh."
"Hey guys?"
Twilight and Phoenix turned back to Dan. He gleefully looked down at them from atop the gleaming tank, sea ponies and pegasi fighting in the background, an explosion close to the ground that lit up his smiling, uncharacteristically tranquil-looking face. Neither of them liked that look. "Yes, Dan?"
"Oh, nothing. Was just kinda wondering when you two wanted to get back to the war. You know the war? Funny story about the war- true story; IT'S GOING ON ALL AROUND US RIGHT NOW!!" Dan yelled, causing the tank to tilt. "NOW GET IN THE TANK!" The pair saluted for some reason and scrambled aboard the tank.
"Wow, it's actually... spacious."
"All three chairs have heated cushions!" Dan exclaimed. "And there's an auto-loading sequence for the shells! So you're gonna drive, I'm gonna shoot and Twilight's gonna Twilight."
"At least it's not another contraption shaped like my face," Twilight commented. "And please don't use my name as a verb."
"Does that mean Phoenix can't Wright?" Phoenix grinned sheepishly. (Badum-tiss)
"I will say this, Dan. I'm proud of you for showing at least a little responsibility. I mean, I half-expected you to just drive off in the tank and start blasting things," Twilight said.
"Me too."
"It's nice to see you wait for us," Twilight smiled. And they expected Dan to say something sarcastic back, something nearly disparaging that exemplified his adherence to his true nature. But he didn't.
"I'll always wait for you guys. I couldn't do this without you," Dan said. He did it quickly, casually, not quite as warm as it could have been but warmth was definitely there. It was a feeling and it was true.
"Awwww," they both went.
Dan held up a booklet. "Yeah, the instruction manual says you need at least three to operate this thing," he said casually. And moment ruined. But out of the corner of his eye, their expressions caught him. "But yeah, I need you guys for like... moral support. And stuff."
"Awwww," they went again. "He's trying to say he needs us because we're his friends."
Phoenix nodded. "These moments are precious."
Dan grin-sneered. "Precious enough to kill for," he said, pulling down the periscope. "And with that in mind~"
Warning: The following scenes do not in any way reflect safe or responsible operation of armored-BLAARARRAAARRA
The tank blew up the disclaimer with a single powerful blast of its cannon. The wheels on it spun, grinding so rapidly that the tank actually sank into the dirt. In an instant, the entire tank had dug its way underground.
Spinner and Springer looked out the windows of their aircraft. "Uhh... was that supposed to happen?"
"Dan? Phoenix? TWILIGHT?!" Springer yelled into the hole. Even the Golden Oaks had for some reason leaned over to peer into the hole that had been dug into the ground near it.
*BLAAAAHHMMM!* The tank erupted out of the ground, creating another gaping hole in the ground. It landed on its wheels and sped off down the street.
"It's times like this I'm thankful I'm a pegasus," Lightning Claw commented. "Pretty sure Dan's got it, Springer. Let's head back up top and help out Cloudsdale!"
"I copy."
"Hey, are we gonna try your Decoy Cloudsdale idea? That sounded pretty awesome when you told us about it." The pair of Flutterbirds took off.
After we find my brothers, Lightning thought to himself. Vice Grip and the Director were both nowhere to be seen, as were the forces they had assembled. Dan's destruction of their underground base had silenced all activity from Lightning's former employers. Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, both brief admins of FIST, had only been aware of their forces' evacuation to Canterlantis before Dan had destroyed the base.
Without any other leads to follow, it was actually a stroke of good luck that the sea ponies just now decided to invade. Part of the reason Twilight wanted to question them was because she believed they may have information as to where the princesses and her other friends were. Like Twilight, Lightning had a reason to want at least a few of them in a state where they were conscious enough to talk to. Unfortunately, the sea ponies weren't interested in talking.
And their might not be any of them left to talk to after Dan was done with them.
"Ah-hahahaha! HA-HAHAHAHA!" *BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM* The tank rolled through Ponyville's streets at speeds comparable to Flim and Flam's latest jet car contraption, which they hadn't been able to fully name yet. Dust clouds and dirt streams were kicked up from the tank's armored wheels, billows of smoke and fire bloomed from the sides of the cannon with each blast.
The tank smashed through overturned carts on the road. Dan drove it through the patio of a seasonal cafe, destroying most of the furniture in the process. The cannon fired, destroying a makeshift blockade in the middle of the road, scattering burning wood and debris throughout the town. Three entire blocks had been reduced to piles of rubble and not because of the sea ponies.
Dan had been in control of the tank for exactly seventeen seconds.
"HAHAHAHA! BLAHAHAHAHA!" Dan laughed maniacally, firing five rounds in quick succession. He blasted off the upper floor of a motel that looked almost exactly like the one he used to live in, he blew off the top of a windmill, causing the mill blades to fly off on fire, he blew up a gas station which no one knew why it had been there in the first place and he drove through the Day Spa and then blew the entire building to pieces.
Twilight and Phoenix were pressed to the back of the tank by the velocity of Dan's driving. "Um, Dan?" Twilight asked.
"AH HA! AHAHAHA!!" *BABOOM!*
"Hey, Dan?!" Phoenix yelled.
"I know you're having fun, but..."
"Maybe we could turn our attention to the sea ponies now?"
"Sea ponies? Oh, yeah. Them," Dan said. He shifted the tank's gears and drove to the southern section of town towards Mane Street. He left behind the demolished parts of the worker's housing district in the process.
"Tell me we had a good reason for blowing up a third of Ponyville," Phoenix said. Twilight shrugged.
"Stealth sea ponies," was Dan's only reply. Then he added, "Also, we're gonna need a place to house prisoners, those buildings were already condemned, I saw Blueblood build most of them after he took over and they've already been evacuated anyway."
"I guess that... does make sense to demolish those buildings, then."
"Sure," Dan said. "Or I just blew up part of Ponyville because I felt like it. One or the other. BAH-HAHAHAHA!!" *BAM BAM BAM*
Whether or not Dan knew about it, there had in fact been sea ponies that had infiltrated that part of town.
Dazed, burnt and covered in debris, they stared up at the sky. "How... how did he know we were here?"
"Shut up, Ebby."
The tank rocked down to Electric Avenue and made a right onto Penny Lane. This small street of town contained electronics outlet stores, a video rental place and three different arcades. Most of the shops and restaurants had been abandoned or were closed, but none showed very much damage, a good sign. Although Dan had told Phoenix he'd be driving, the shorter human had taken the liberty by using his feet to steer and kick the gears to shift. Phoenix did not object to this.
"Looks like Easy Street is still intact," Phoenix commented. "Looks like the drive-in's going to need a new screen, though."
"Abbey Road and Other Song Reference Street are blocked off," Twilight said. The two were looking through the hatches in the side of the tank, surveying damage to the town. "Dan? Can you clear the debris blocking the OSRS?'
"Hang on," Dan cranked a lever. The tank's turret turned. *BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!* "That get it?"
"You missed a little on the right." *BLAM!* "Okay, you're good now. Thanks, Dan."
"Heh, you mean Tanks Dan. And yes, yes he does," Dan grinned. He continued driving the tank towards Mane Street, once again traveling back towards the center of town and the Town Hall where last he'd left Trixie, Berry Punch and Blueblood.
A Flutterbird flew low overhead. Surprisingly, it dropped off another tank.
"Hey... hey, there's another tank!" Dan exclaimed.
"Another MALA?" Twilight asked.
The radio echoed through the tank. "This is Marshal Ally of the Royal Guard. Sea ponies are deploying armor into the town. All tanks, form up and push them south towards the town entrance!"
"Hey, it's Al!" Dan picked up the transceiver. "Al, it's Dan! Are you in the other tank?"
"Yes, Captain Dan, good to hear from you. Let's work together to get these sea ponies out of Ponyville."
"I read ya, Al!" The two tanks formed up and pushed onto Mane Street, cannons firing alternating blasts.
Kindness, generosity, the greatest gifts we can give to one another, are only truly possible when they are given voluntarily. Evil, malice of any form can be a mistake, and then it is not true malice. Misguided evil, mistaken evil, but not true malevolence. Not truly evil. But there is one act in which evil is never mistaken:
Revenge.
Earth San Garry's Mod, California Jill and Barry's "Original" Diner 5 years ago
"So I told him, "Doc, if you're trying to slow someone down, you might not want to put all these boost pads all over the place. Instead, just put some free drinks in the lobby and tell 'em all the bathrooms are out of order!"
"Ha! Nice one, Teddy," Dan said, grinning.
Ted leaned back in the booth. "Boy, I tell ya, I'm not working for another one of these "evil doctor" types until I see some real credentials. First Wily, then Robotnik, I'm not sure what their doctorates are in, but it sure isn't architectural engineering."
Dan took a swig of his root beer. "Eh, you can earn all kinds of degrees online these days. My friend Chris is taking courses in art history and he never even has to show up to college."
"Is that a fact?" Ted asked rhetorically. "Well, I'm not surprised. Whole world is getting more 'digital' by the day. I miss the personal touch sometimes."
Dan shrugged. "They're always going to need people in construction. I'm doing the drywall and the floors on the new Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated building in the Tri-State area next week."
"What are you talking about?" Ted shook his head in bewilderment. "Construction's becoming one of the most automated jobs on the planet. When we were decommissioning that nuclear plant for Phoenix International, they had robotic forklifts all over the place."
"Yeah, so you have to outbid the robots," Dan explained.
"Outbid? You OUTBID the robots?"
Dan nodded, grinning. "Yeah, well, it's gotten a little easier since most of the robots unionized but it can be pretty tricky. Ultimately though, a lot of those robots can be expensive and these companies seek out the 'personal touch' because it's a cheaper option. Also, because I'm that good."
Ted grinned back. "I knew you would be. And I assure you that the stuff I taught you isn't anything you're going to find online."
"And I thank you for that, Teddy," Dan said humbly. "Really though, I'm just taking this job so I can keep my friend Chris out of trouble."
"You work with him a lot?"
"Eeyep," Dan leaned back. "Mostly for Umbrella Corporation; we did the Arklay Laboratory and the Tyrant Plant on Sheena Island."
"Nice."
Their food arrived- two bologna sandwiches on cold plates, no cheese. Both Dan and Ted were still lactose-intolerant at this time and mostly broke. Bologna sandwiches and a couple ice cold root beers were among the pleasures they could afford on a budget.
Ted was one of Dan's childhood friends, like Chris. Unlike Chris, however, Ted had gone to work for his parents' construction company out of high school instead of going to community college like Dan and Chris. The two men hadn't seen each other in years and only met out of coincidence: Dan was taking revenge on a group of construction workers that Ted's parents' company happened to be competing with. The two cooperated in taking down the rival company and had been revenge partners ever since.
Dan had happily taken on the role of an apprentice of-sorts to Ted. The other human, with slicked hair and an air of confidence about him, also harbored a bit of a mean streak that Dan was more than happy to indulge. Ted taught Dan everything he knew about architectural engineering and construction, skills Dan would put to use later when fortifying Ponyville.
"So is your family's company paying for robots, now? Is that what's bugging you?" Dan asked between bites.
Ted shook his head and looked out the window. "It's a principle thing, Danny. Principle thing."
"Sounds like it," Dan said. He swallowed the last of his sandwich with the last gulp of root beer. He made no comment on the way Ted had called him Danny. Ted's food and beverage were only half-finished. "If it matters that much to you, why don't you come work with me and Chris? Aperture Science, Black Mesa, Hyperion, they all have good contracting work available. And plenty benefits if you don't ask questions, keep your mouth shut."
"Nah, I appreciate it. I've got other plans," Ted answered, still looking out the window, as if expecting something.
A good job wasn't easy to find, automated competition or otherwise. Evil mega corporations, sinister conglomerates or companies that just happened to be owned and/or operated by evil geniuses paid very, very well. In a world where corporate crime, wage slavery and worker/consumer exploitation were common, working for a blatantly evil company that had clear evil goals was, actually, preferable.
Big businesses all too often manipulated their workers, cheated them out of benefits like insurance coverage and compensation, exploited laws to make them work longer hours for less money and in-general just screwed people over. When a supposedly 'good' major companies do that so often it almost becomes a stereotype, it makes working for a company that's mission statement includes world domination a lot easier. It's easier for an evil genius to inspire loyalty- just offer people a little bit more than what they're getting for the same amount of work. Dan and Ted could get better benefits and more money working for a company like Umbrella than a company like Cafe Puree.
They just had to make sure they NEVER went into areas they weren't authorized to go into and didn't wind up as a test subject. Or a brainwashed drone, mutant supersoldier or target practice. That, and Dan and Ted didn't believe the companies were evil; they just did the construction on evil bases. What they were for afterward was above their paygrade.
Ted turned back to Dan. "Speaking of, you got any plans for tomorrow?"
Tomorrow was October 31st, Halloween. Dan's birthday. "No. Why?"
Ted reached into his pocket. He pulled out a spiral notepad and set it on the table. "I think it's time we crossed another item off The List."
Dan started to reach into his own pocket, but hesitated. "It's been quite a while... since I erased anything."
But Ted just smiled at him the way he always did. "C'mon, Danny. You know what we said. Once it's on the list..."
"It gets fixed," Dan said, finishing the mantra. "Well, what is it?" And so, he told him.
Surprisingly, Dan did not rush his tank out to take the lead, but remained in close formation with Marshal Ally.
If you're wondering who High Marshal Aegis Ally is, don't worry- he's a minor character. Originally, he was one of the royal guards from Episode 5 who escorted Dan, Twilight and Chrys to the guard jail after Chrys inadvertently knocked out Shining Armor. After the entire ordeal was revealed to be a mix up, and the subsequent battle on the castle grounds, Aegis was among the royal guards who recommended Dan be folded into the existing chain of command. Because of his handling of the situation, Aegis was promoted to captain himself and placed in charge of the Canterlot city watch.
Some time after that, Princess Celestia and Luna would depart to assist Saddle Arabia in what would become a failed attempt to defend their kingdom. They took the majority of the royal guard with them, leaving Aegis and a hoof-full of other guards behind to protect Canterlot. After the catastrophic destruction of Oasis City and the defeat of Saddle Arabia, Princess Celestia, Luna and the guard ponies they had taken with them all went missing, along with the population of Saddle Arabia. Vanished without a trace.
Aegis Ally would soon find himself as the highest-ranking guard, but still outranked by royalty including Prince(ss) Blueblood. While Dan and company did their best to restore order and combat the various forces Vice Grip had unleashed, Aegis was forced to accept the title of High Marshal, protector of Canterlot.
In a war of shadows and deceit, with terror and betrayal running rampant, High Marshal Aegis Ally has been one of the very, very few ponies Dan and the others have been able to trust, despite barely even knowing him. He's just a pony who cares about his country and respects those willing to protect it.
And now, they have tanks. More tanks joined the formation from behind and soon, Dan found himself at the head of an armored column. All were the same model of MALA that they were driving, but their colors were vastly different. The one Dan drove was a clear and vibrant blue, Al's was a dark navy blue. A pink tank and a green tank pulled in behind them, far enough apart that they could fire without hitting each other. As the column rolled down Mane Street, Twilight and Phoenix saw out of the hatches that other tanks were pushing down the other streets, all heading south.
"I am enjoying this SO MUCH right now!" Dan delightedly exclaimed. "I'm so happy right now, I'm not even going to ask how long we've had tanks and why we've just now started using them."
"For the sake of plot convenience, that's probably a good idea."
"The tanks? We've had them for years," Aegis' voice said over the radio. "But they're not the easiest things to deploy. The Flutterbirds are the only things that can carry them and when the Enclave went rogue, they took their choppers with them."
"I GUESS that makes sense," Dan said. "But from now on, any time we get some kind of new weapon or awesome explosion-making thing, I demand to be notified. And I demand to get one of said weapons for my own personal use."
"Honestly, if it's something new and potentially could destroy the entire kingdom, I have no doubt you'll be among the first to know about it," Twilight said. "When they're ready for use, at least."
"Why am I imagining him destroying a city in a Christmas-themed tank?"
"At least you're only imagining it, Phoenix," Twilight said. "Also, remind me to ask if sea ponies celebrate Hear- umm, Christmas. Hearth's Warming and Christmas. Two different holidays."
"Sea ponies straight ahead! Open fire!"*BLAM-BLAM BLAM-BLAM*
Dan fired, then looked through the gunner's scope. A group of sea ponies in the middle of the street were already scrambling to find cover. The tanks fired four shots- one from each in the formation, but only one came close. The explosion blasted a couple armored sea horses, sending them into the air but the rest ran to the sides in-between buildings, even to the adjacent streets. *BLAM-BLAM BLAM* Where they were caught by the other tanks.
"Clear! Keep pushing south! Dan, you want to take point?"
"Point? Point of what?"
"Point, lead position. Do you wanna go first?"
"Oh, sure! Don't gotta tell me twice, Al!"
Phoenix took the driver's position. "You know, it's so pleasant that Dan is being nice, I'm not even going to ask why he's just now acting nicer when he's in control of the tank."
Dan smiled back at his friend. "If I wasn't in control of the tank right now, I'd probably kick you in the face."
"Only probably?"
"Only probably."
"Heh. We are making progress, then," Phoenix remarked.
"Contact! Contact!" one of the other tanks yelled. "Sea ponies! Corner of Bourbon Street and-BLRRZZSSHT We're hit! WE'RE HIT! BACK UP NOW, WE NEED-"
"We're on our way! Al, with me!" Phoenix pulled a hard right, the wheels carving into the dirt. The tank aimed for a space between a Starbucks and a Squeebok horseshoe outlet.
"Dan, I think it might be two narrow-"
"Too bad. We're going in."
Phoenix swallowed. The tank's wheels crashed through the edges of both buildings, breaking through wood and brick alike. The walls themselves held up, even as Aegis' tank followed close behind. The narrow shortcut had damaged both buildings but they remained intact as the tanks plowed through to Baker's Street.
Baker's Street was known for exactly that- bakers. Running parallel to Mane Street, Baker's ran all the way through town and featured all of Ponyville's bakeries and confectioneries from end to end. While Mane Street stopped in the middle of Ponyville at Town Hall, Baker's Street bent around the Hall and continued to the north-east side. All along the narrow stretch were shops specializing in various baked goods: on the south side were pancakes, crepes, donut shops and entire stores dedicated to single types of pastries. Towards the middle were cultural specialties like French and Italian bread, English toffees and crumpets, Scottish scones and European-style treats, eastern and middle eastern breads like pita advertised along with traditional accessories, far-eastern and polynesian fried doughs, and finally north, central and south American-influenced wraps, tortillas and several stores devoted entirely to bagels, donuts and churros.
At the north-end of Baker's Street, the road intersected with Sweet Street, with the hub of Sugar Cube Corner occupying right where the two streets came together.
And all of those shops, including Sugar Cube Corner, had been destroyed.
"Oh mai gawd."
"Bastards... THOSE BASTARDS!!" Dan raged, shaking the controls of the tank in his hands. "They're gonna pay for this! NICKY! FLOOR IT!"
The tank powered onto Baker's Street, the smell of bread so strong, warm and wonderful that it even penetrated the tank's armor. It was a well-known fact(for tank crews, at least) that a tank's only weakness was home-cooked food.
Dan peered through the scope. "I don't see the other... wait! There they are!" The other two tanks that had been rolling down Baker's Street were both knocked over. One was on its side inside of Baguette Fagots, a bakery that specialized in bundles of baguettes, loaves and bread sticks. Dozens of of bread sticks, broken glass and debris surrounded the tank. The other tank was burning on the corner of Baker's and Bourbon Street. And attacking its underside was-
"THE DRILL GUY!!" Dan yelled. He fired the tank's main cannon.
"Grrurr?" *BLAAM!* "GRRAAAA!" Expertly, Dan fired the cannon so that the shell would explode just near enough to scorch the Big Daddy, but not too close to hurt the downed tank that it was assaulting.
"It's the diver again!" Phoenix said. "What do we do, Dan?" The Big Daddy picked itself up. A few other sea ponies were nearby, but incapacitated from Dan's blast. The armored black-suited twin-drill diver stepped on a few of the sea ponies as he lumbered towards the tank.
"The tank's shells don't seem to be affecting him!" Twilight shouted.
Dan narrowed his eyes at him. "We're going to take this very, very cautiously. We're going to use a sound strategy, one that is safe and efficient, one that doesn't put is in danger. This plan will-"
"You're not gonna do any of that, Dan," Phoenix said over his shoulder. "We already know."
"Yeah, Dan, this is like the third time-"
"Try ninth."
"It doesn't matter which time it is- that you've explained an elaborate plan and in the end, you just throw caution to the wind, charge in and blast him in the most violent way imaginable," Twilight said. "So why don't we do that?"
"It would save us a lot of time and energy, buddy."
"Wow," Dan remarked. "Well, I actually did have a well-thought-out extremely practical and safe plan this time. But if you guys would prefer just excessive violence, then-"
Both Phoenix and Twilight jumped up at him. "Nonononono, WAI-"
The tank charged and smashed into the Step Daddy. "GRARRERRARRR!" *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!* Dan fired the cannon at pointblank range into the armored diver, while still driving forward. The shells exploded on the diver's helmet, the tips of his drills and the ground and everything around them. And Dan just kept on driving.
*BOOM-BLAM-BOOM-BLAM-BOOMBOOM* The tank drove through other buildings, through the ruins of the Baker's Street shops and onto Bourbon Street, then continued on to Foxtrot Street. Foxtrot Street was home to residences, toy stores, more miscellaneous shops and other places that served the mercantile workers in town. Ponyville's older buildings were in the south and west side while newer locations and businesses popped up in the north side. They were plowing through the destroyed remains of the towns' many artisans and craftspones.
"GraaaRRAAAAARR!!" the Big Step Daddy groaned and flailed, but the momentum of the tank combined with the frequent blasts prevented him from doing more than scraping his drills on the tanks' side. The tank smashed through Pants Planet and then the store next door, Planet Pants, two different competing pants outlets, the owners of which held a feud since the day their stores simultaneously opened. The owners of both Planet Pants and Pants Planet had only just recently ended their feud when their stores were both attacked by the sea ponies. Now, only rubble and torn pants fabric remained of either of the two proud lower-attire establishments.
"DAN! STOP, WE JUST DROVE THROUGH PLANET PANTS!"
"Actually, that was Pants Planet-"
"STOPPP!!"
"Not yet. NOT YET!" Dan yelled. The tank slammed the Big Daddy into one of the walls on the outskirts of town, mashing the armored suited fiend against the stone. Dan fired several times, blackening the wall and the front of the tank in the process. Finally, Dan popped out of the turret with Twilight. "AAAAHHH! HAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!!" He spun Twilight's tail, causing her horn to release a flurry of magical bolts into the diver. Finally, their foe slumped downward and collapsed in a heap of dripping black-purple fluid.
"Ahh... that feels better," Dan said. He climbed back into the tank with Twilight and closed the hatch.
"I'm happy you excised whatever that was, Dan," Twilight remarked. She sighed heavily. "We're going to have a lot of the town to rebuild after this."
Phoenix patted her on the shoulder. "I'll help. We all will. You know that," he told her. She didn't say anything back, but it was obvious what she was thinking. Outside the rear hatch, Twilight's eyeblinking gaze fixated on a single building at the end of the street: Sugar Cube Corner. The two-story bakery and the home of Pinkie Pie and the Cakes was still mostly intact, or, at least half. The entrance of the building was caved-in, the brown gingerbread-like roofing drooped and the cupcake decoration at the top was nothing but bits on the ground.
Ponyville was rapidly becoming a pile of rubble. There were barely any of the thatched-roof houses that were the residences in the core of the town, the beautiful and simple structures that gave Ponyville such a homely touch. Most of the tents that gave Ponyville an eternally-festive feel were completely gone; only a few remained and none were standing. But one thing Twilight noticed that was missing was the heart of Ponyville, the very thing that made Ponyivlle Ponyville.
"We'll rebuild. We'll build it back better than ever," Phoenix assured her.
"I know," Twilight said, sure of it herself. "But where is everypony? There should be..."
"Dan! We need you back in formation, now!"
"I'm on it, Al!" The tank spun around and drove back through the now even-more wrecked streets back to Mane Street.
They heard the other tanks firing long before they got there. A pair of Flutterbirds flew overhead; one dropped another tank, another launched missiles at something Dan couldn't see. An explosion lit the street from end to end. The tank pulled onto Mane Street to face the opposition.
"What is it now?"
"Form a firing line! These monsters have brought in their armor!"
"One on the building! Two o'clock high, on the bank!" The turret on Aegis' tank rotated and fired. The blast hit a chrome-plated creature that had been on top of the Equestrian National Bank. One of a few banks in Ponyville, the ENB often cooperated with the local Happy Ponyville Savings and Loan bank next to the post office. A policy of the banks of Equestria was that snuggles were always free, unfortunately, snuggle futures were recently beginning to show diminishing returns as of late, but that was most likely because ponies weren't snuggling quite as much in the middle of a bucking war. There was also the predicted drop off of Bitsquee, an Equestrian cryptocurrency that shook the market. Even with an economy based on adorableness and hugs, things tended to fluctuate based on speculation so it wasn't unexpected.
"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABS!!" Dan yelled. In front of them, there were CRAAAAAA okay I'll stop now. There were crabs- armored, augmented, weaponized crabs with armored pincers snapping at the tanks. One of them fired an energy blast from its claw that flew upward to track a low-flying Flutterbird, but luckily, the pilot was able to dodge. Equestria had no amateur fliers, not any more.
"They've been abducting ponies from town using these things! Destroy every last one of them!"
"AAHH- As if I need another reason to hate these guys!" Dan cranked the tank's gears. "Nicky, forward!"
This was an Equestrian tank battle. In all the remaining streets, tanks lined up and so did crabs. They charged at each other, cannons and claws firing. Dan's tank fired, blasting one of the lead crab's claws off. One of the Equestrian tanks was hit by three green homing bubbles launched from the crabs- it exploded and flipped over backwards.
"KEEP FORMATION! WEAVE!! WEAVE!!" Aegis Ally, a royal guard through and through, was disciplined even in the heat of battle, as were the other royal guard tankers. Rather than charging in a straight line, they broke into a staggered line to maximize coverage and allow for easier evasion. A couple tanks were still unlucky- one lost a wheel, another its turret. But most of them, including Dan and Aegis, kept up the assault until they reached the end of Mane Street.
The crabs were not as disciplined. The crustaceans charged as many as they could at a time and fell in droves losing limbs, claws and carapaces. They exploded in showers of parts and electronics; they were all robot crabs. Oddly enough, some were almost artistically decorated, as if care had been taken into the crafting of their armor. One of the crabs, a red one, launched a flurry of missiles.
"I got it!" Twilight popped out of the hatch. Before the missiles could hit them, she latched onto them with her magic. "Oh crap! What do I do now?!"
"THROW THEM AT THE CRABS!"
"Uhh! Uhh! Here!" She tossed the missiles back at the crab that fired them. It had the opportunity to regret its decision before exploding.
"Nice one, Twilight!"
"Good work, your highness! Keep pushing them back!"
Twilight blushed as she returned to the tank. "Oh, it was nothing. I just used a regular-old levitation spell, I'm surprised the sea ponies weren't expecting it. But if they write a story about the Battle of Ponyville, you think they'll call me War Princess Twilight Sparkle? Because I could-"
Dan popped out of the tank. "Adorkable moment over, back to battle."
"Right, right, right." She closed the hatch to the tank.
The tank vs. crab battle continued. At the end of Mane Street, the tanks divided: Aegis and Dan took to the west, a couple others to the east. The crabs did have a slight advantage in that they could clearly crawl on buildings but they weren't apparently smart enough to use it adequately. The tankers kept a close eye and were able to clear them off of structures but damaged some of the structures in the process.
"Two more on the right side!"
"They're mine."*BLAM-BLAM* Aegis blasted a pair of crabs to pieces. The chittering robots tried to claw at them with their damaged limbs, but Dan and company simply drove over them.
It started raining.
"Hey, it's raining."
"That could be a good sign... or a bad one," Twilight said.
Phoenix nodded. "All it means is there's something going on in Cloudsdale." Back in the days of the Pegasus Army, back when they were just a tribe, a rainbow after a great victory or rain to soothe a stinging defeat was common. Since becoming weather managers, abrupt, unscheduled weather was cause for concern.
Dan looked up through the scope. "It's overcast. Can't see anything up there." The crab onslaught had stopped for now, at least. They continued rolling. "Hey Al, what's going on with Cloudsdale?"
"Unknown, captain. Can't seem to raise them on the radio."
"That's a bad sign."
"Not much we can do. We're approaching Ion Station Five." On the south-west corner of town, the two tanks rolled up to one of the ion cannons. Built to look like a statue, the cannon was the exact same model as the one attached to the Golden Oaks Library, except it was designed to be deployed from underground when necessary. Ornate sculptures of ponies had been carved into the base of the cannon, making it a work of art as well as defense.
The cannon fired several blue bolts into the air, which was at least an indication the power was still working.
"The guns are still online, so the dam's okay," Dan said. And then the ion cannon stopped. *Drzzzzzzzzzoooooooooooo* "Dammit."
"You had to say something. You HAD to say something!"
Dan grabbed the radio transceiver. "Mayor? Chrys? Anybody? Hello, you guys? It's Dan- the ion cannons just stopped firing! What's the problem?" Dan paused for a moment, then added, "Why am I asking you? If the power's out, you won't be able to hear me!" He hung up the transceiver and folded his arms. "We're gonna get everyone in town a walkie-talkie. That's next on the list."
Alarm klaxons began blaring on the side of the cannon. Red lights flashed, spinning through the rain.
"Oh boy."
"Danger: Orbital weaponry detected. Danger: Orbital weaponry detected."
"OH BOY!!"
"Orbital weaponry? What is that?"
"It means we need to get underground! Under something, fast!" Dan popped the hatch. "Get out! Out, everybody out!!"
The alarm klaxons began screeching rapidly. "Warning: Orbital strike is now imminent! Orbital strike is now imminent! All personnel, vacate the area immediately! All personnel-"
Dan looked up at the sky. Dark clouds still covered the sky, but a bright orange spot began glowing right above them. And another... and another... and another...
"Ohhhh..."
"Boy."
Resort: Tip of The Trident- The Trident is Blunted! Ponyville's Defenses Hold Firm
The orange light burned the sky until the dark grey clouds turned white-hot. The ground seemed to hum with a vibration that somehow resonated above. Both heaven and earth were shaking, threatening to consume all that were in between them. Yeah, that's another metaphor for the war. We've had like, two or three of those so far. Three? Well, something like that.
Dan looked around frantically. They all did, even Aegis and his crew, who were surprisingly Private First Class Sergeant Second Grade(who had been recently promoted to acting sergeant and then reassigned) and Lance Corporal Lance Corporal(who was still a lance corporal.)
"TWILIGHT SHIELD!" Dan yelled. He said it as one word when it was supposed to be Twilight, shield! She understood either way.
The lights were getting brighter now. Phoenix had to cover his eyes with his arm. "Aegis, can you combine your shield with Twilight's?"
"Right! Good idea!" The unicorn and his men hopped off their tank and galloped over to Twilight and the others.
Dan grabbed the horses and the Phoenix. The Phoenix did not like the narrator referring to him as "The Phoenix" and glared at the camera with his anime eyes.
"Huddle! Everybody huddle!" Dan yelled. He and Phoenix formed a ring with Lance and Grade. Aegis and Twilight hugged in the center of them and lit their horns. Twilight's own durable energy bubble appeared, bolstered by Aegis' dark blue shield. Although Twilight's magic was still stronger, Aegis and the royal guards had extensive training with defensive spells. Together, they hoped their energy barrier would hold.
Shield spells were both basic and advanced forms of magic. In its standard form, a shield spell drew on an emotional, spiritual and biochemical bond to create a stable kinetic field of magic that could then be projected around the user. Magical scholars noted that the shield's actual physical makeup tended to change based on the type of bond as well as the user's own desires. Some shields could be spongy or soft like rubber, others were more solid. Depending on how the user felt, the shield could also be osmotic, semi-osmotic or reverse-osmotic.
Twilight's brother was actually a specialist with magical shields, as his name and talent would suggest. A basic shield of any strength was called a repulse spell. Reflecting shields were reflect spells and were a bit more complicated, requiring a more complicated bond and cast, as such they were projected as smaller walls which could be curved rather than bubbles. The final type of shield was the expel spell, which created a barrier that rapidly expelled certain targeted things within it. Cadence was particularly strong with those.
"What do we do now?" Grade asked.
Phoenix deployed his umbrella. They stared at him. "Hey, you don't know. This MIGHT be helping." The stares intensified. "I said MIGHT."
Dan patted him on the back. "We knew we wouldn't be able to keep the streak up forever, Nicky."
"What streak?"
"We were going to fail eventually. I mean, I knew it was going to be you at some point, but that doesn't make this harder than it is."
"WHAT streak?!"
"I think he's talking about success," Aegis suggested.
"Shh-shh-shhh," Dan patted the pony. "It's dead now. A moment of silence for the fallen."
Our AIM is to do better Chapters without failure: 5 0 Current record: 5
"Do we really need a title card for that?"
"SHUT UP! Okay," Dan gripped Phoenix and the other two ponies hard, hugging them all tight. "Phoenix! Other guys! Lift Al and Twilight!"
"Oh! Uh, Aegis, we're going to move the shield! They're gonna- MMMFFF!" The handle of Phoenix's umbrella got in the way of Twilight's muzzle as they were squeezed together.
"And... RUN!" The group ran, miraculously enough in the same direction past the tanks and back up Mane Street and the shield transformed into a ball. They picked up speed running in the double shield-ball, until Dan said "WAIT!" and they tripped and fell.
"Geeze!"
"OW!"
"Dan, did you really have to stop us while we're literally on a roll?" Twilight asked. She unhooked her muzzle from the handle of the umbrella.
"We forgot to lock the tanks. We should go back."
Twilight shook her head in disbelief. "Really? REALLY? That's what this is about?"
Dan folded his arms. "The neighborhood's gotten a lot rougher recently. I just want to make sure Tanky is safe."
"Why am I not surprised you named the tank?" Phoenix asked. (Not that I'm judging.)
"Since when has the neighborhood gotten rougher?" Aegis asked.
"Since about five minutes ago," Dan said.
"That's BECAUSE THERE'S A WAR GOING ON!" he yelled.
"So what's your point?"
A beam of light broke from the sky before anyone could answer. Orange beams broke through the clouds above Ponyville all around them, several combining into a single beam that scorched the earth and burned tree and grassland alike. So powerful was the weapon that it burned the ground until it became glass. Equestria shook and tiny bits of dirt and debris began rising up from the ground for no apparent reason, but it made things look like a lot of power was being pooled. Or at least it worked in DBZ.
Aegis removed his helmet. His soldiers followed suit. "Your highness, it's been an honor to serve."
"Nicky, share the umbrella."
"Okay."
One of the beams approached the town from the south. Several of Sweet Apple Acres' apple trees were tossed up into the air to immediately be scorched black and be vaporized. The orange beam carved its way towards them, cutting its way all through the road. When suddenly-
"GRAAA-ERRRRAAAAAAAAAARRR!!" A monster shrieked and fell from the sky. A giant electric eel, scorched by the sun, fell from the sky, its chrome armor burnt and cracked. Another screamed and fell and then another and another. Sea ponies spilled off the creatures, dropping like stones from the clouds. They impacted the ground far below, landing in broken piles.
"What... what's going on?"
"YES!" Dan exclaimed. "The death rays are on OUR side! YES!"
"I... don't really have any other explanation," Twilight said. All around them, the beams struck not ponies but sea ponies. The beasts fell in droves, the machines were blasted to pieces. Throughout the streets of Ponyville, the colossal rays targeted the crabs and the sea pony troopers, zapping the invaders into submission. For the briefest moment, Twilight thought it might have been Celestia's doing.
"Ha! HAHA!" Dan yelled. "Talk about a fish fry! Nicky, can you smell that? The seafood buffet just opened!"
"Okay, the tanks I already wasn't expecting but this..." Twilight remarked. "Marshal Aegis, do you know of any other weapons the mayor authorized? Did she request the use of anything else?"
The guard shook his head. "Not that I'm aware of, your highness."
Twilight looked away, deep in thought. "Princess..."
"Well, either way, the mayor has some explaining to do. Let's head back into town!" Dan said, running down the street.
"What about the tanks?" Twilight asked. Dan then ran passed her again, this time in the opposite direction back to the tanks.
Dan's tank and Aegis' tank pulled up at Town Hall. A few other tanks and even a few Flutterbirds had landed. Sea pony prisoners were already being assembled by the Ponyville Makeshift Militia. But on the other side of the Town Hall, towering over it, in fact fixing it already was a friend they hadn't expected.
Dan popped out of the tank. "Knight!"
The Magic Gear pony looked at the crew as they disembarked. "Your survival indicates that the Gear Satellites were successful. Thank you for participating in their calibration."
"Calibration?" Twilight repeated. "Wait, so those big scary laser beams were you?"
The machine nodded. "Affirmative."
"Hey! I was the one who suggested tapping into the town's power grid to boost the signal!" her sister Ace said, appearing from the other side. She was busy fixing part of the courthouse, though as she did another part of it was collapsing. "Hey dudes!"
The Mayor, the CMC and Colress all walked out of the Town Hall, pretty pleased with themselves. Dan and company joined them and together, they discussed exactly what had happened.
"So this whole thing was Colress' idea?" Dan said.
The scientist gave a friendly nod. "Initially, yes. Knight analyzed the sea ponies' attack and suggested that we needed something heavier to hit them with. I remembered she was able to use an orbital strike to defeat Flower Power and I asked her if any more satellites were available."
"It turns out, there's a LOT of saddle-litey things up above Equestria!" Apple Bloom chimed in.
"To be fair, most of them were meant to just broadcast cartoons," Silver Spoon added.
Apple Bloom nodded. "Yeah but, it turns out Vice Grip modified 'em to be able to fire magic solar energy lasers!"
"So, we hacked into the signal and were able to reprogram the satellites to fire on the sea ponies," Mayor Mare said, smiling. "I must say, it was quite hectic doing all this while under attack..." she approached Dan and Phoenix. "But you two both did such a tremendous job distracting them. We were finally able to hit them with something so hard it stopped them right in their tracks! You boys did excellent!"
"Yeah!"
"YES!" Dan exclaimed. The two humans high-fived, enjoying a moment of celebration before they both stopped and asked, "Wait, distracting?"
Mayor Mare nodded. "Indeed! You were both exactly the diversion we needed to get the town's orbital defense grid online. Thank you both so much."
"Distracting?" the humans repeated.
"Statistically, the amount of damage you inflicted upon the sea ponies was strategically insignificant," Knight said, her voice as cold and calculated but still somehow adorable as ever. "The forces you initially incapacitated were regaining their strength, the squads you defeated outside the west gate were regrouping and the robotic crabs were beginning to repair their subsystems. The damage you caused to the town was greater than that done to the invaders."
"That means you guys squeeed up! Great job!"
Dan, Phoenix and Twilight looked at each other. The damage to the town was their responsibility. Mostly Dan's, but they both knew he was really, really good at sharing blame responsibility. No one was really mad at them, but the entire town was a wreck... again. That would probably change when ponies realized HOW badly the town had been wrecked. By them.
But then the Mayor came up to them and said, "Now, I know you'll probably all want to dive right in and help us with the repairs to Ponyville."
"Please don't hurt Nicky."
"What? ME?!" Phoenix's eyes bulged in exasperation. "YOU'RE the one who went crazy driving all over the town in an M2 Haybrams!"
"It wasn't his fault! He got tank fever!" Dan exclaimed. "Also, don't blame the tank. Tanks don't run over people, umm... I was trying to make this like a gun rights thing but I don't think the same really applies here. Please don't take my tank."
"What I think," the Mayor began, "is that because you provided us with the time we needed to activate the satellites, you three deserve the most rest. So Knight, Ace and the rest of us will take care of rebuilding the town while you three enjoy some time off," she said, smiling with what looked to be genuine sincerity.
"You're sure? Because we blew up a lot of buildings and-"
Twilight zipped Dan and Phoenix's mouths simultaneously. "That sounds like a great idea, Mayor! We'll just head home and rest up and IF you need our help for ANY reason, you can just call."
"Indeed, Princess Twilight." She waved as Twilight ushered her two human companions back home.
"Thanks, Mayor! Bye-bye everypony!"
"Byyyyyee!"
"Bye Twilight!"
"Farewell. User interface terminated."
"Dead horse walkin'!"
"Come on, Dan, let's go!"
"But- but wait!" Dan said, struggling, reaching back towards the group. "My tank!"
"There'll be other tanks, Dan, let's go!" Twilight said. And she dragged Dan and Phoenix all the way back to the library.
Golden Oaks was spared the damage the rest of the town had suffered. The holes in front of the tree were filled back up and in this shot, you'll notice that despite Twilight dragging Dan away from the tank before he could run back in get it, the tank is clearly parked next to the library, symbolizing that Dan either escaped Twilight's grasp somehow or more likely dragged against her dragging, dragging her back to the tank and then dragging that back home with them. Either way, Dan saved Tanky.
"And where have you three been??!!" Chrys yelled upon their return. They glared at her, prompting a smile. "Sorry! Just wanted to say that again. Kind of a tradition. So how was defending the town?"
"A freaking waste of time!" Dan shouted. "Those ungrateful little ingrates used OUR tactics as a diversion and then they have the gall to try and take most of the credit for stopping the invasion! I lead a tank battalion against the vicious sea ponies and an army of robo-crabs and they tried to blame ME- ME for doing most of the damage!"
"Well, to be fair, you did," Twilight said.
"That's not the point!"
"Kind of is," Phoenix added.
"And now they won't even let us help fix the town," Dan said, flopping down on the couch like some sort of angry manatee. The rare Danatee. "This is the WORST invasion I've ever survived."
"Aww, there there," Chrys said. She vaulted over the couch and onto her boyfriendo, rubbing his shoulders. "I know what'll cheer you up. Some hot, steamy, se-"
"Sandwiches," Dan said, licking his lips.
"Way to keep that E-rating," Phoenix said, sitting down. He opened a newspaper which somehow had articles about the attack they had just stopped.
"Peanut butter, haybacon, pickles, onions, those little peppers I like, extra cheese, mayo, lettuce, tomato and jelly," Dan said, rolling over.
Chrys nodded happily. "One PBHPOTLPILECMLT and J coming right up," she said, waifuly trotting to the kitchen to fix her man a sammich. For the record, he has done the exact same thing for her, but she likes grape jelly. Dan's a strawberry jelly man.
Captain America, Chris Redfield, Khan and Spike all came down the stairs in a single-file line wearing matching footie pajamas. Fluffle Puff came down from the invisible business elevator, which did not exist. Finally, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder popped into existence on the couch, Fusey under Dan's legs and Powdy under his arms, both of them already eating sandwiches.
"Hi guys!" they said at the same time.
"Hey girls." Dan kicked and shoved them off the couch respectively. "You have fun while we were gone?"
Fusey swallowed her sandwich and nodded, the sound of a single marble rolling a round a tin can rattling as she did so. "Yup! We blasted all the sea ponies!"
"The dog from Duck Hunt was really helpful."
The pajama'd males assembled in the living room in front of the couch, and much to Dan's chagrin, in front of the t.v. Phoenix glanced up from the newspaper and looked at them for a long moment, then looked back down at the paper again.
"Nice... pajamas," Twilight said.
"I appreciate you trying to cheer me up guys," Dan said, naturally assuming their attire was just an attempt to entertain him. "But seriously, today has been really rough and I don't think there's any- SANDWICH!" Dan grabbed the sandwich Chrys levitated at him and nommed it. "MMMMM, I love you girlfriend horse."
She smiled. "I love you too, boyfriend human."
"Guys," Chris started, "We have an update. Something we need to tell you."
Twilight got off her chair. "Did you make contact with the sea ponies?"
"No luck," Cap said. "But we found something else while scanning for signals."
"It would appear that the sea ponies are fighting among themselves," Khan said. "It's quite curious as to why they would begin to war with each other while at the same time making war with others."
Chris pulled out his cell phone and set it in front of Dan on the coffee table. "We picked up a few of their signals. We couldn't understand them at first, but from what it sounds like... they're fighting each other."
"Helloff Kitteh?" Dan said through bites of sandwich.
Chris frowned. "It's just the case. It's the only one they had."
"How can you tell what they're saying?" Twilight asked.
Khan pulled out a Federation communicator. "This device has a translation function. We can eventually use it to speak to them, once it's been programmed with enough of the sea ponies' language but for now, it is able to decipher some of their transmissions."
"That's astounding," Twilight said, looking at it. "I want to speak to them as soon as we can."
Khan smiled. "I would be more than happy to assist you."
She looked back up at him, couldn't quite bring herself to smile but still managed "Thanks." He simply smiled and gave a small nod.
And that was when there was a knock at the back door. Only one individual knocked even when he was already a house guest. Or rather, two.
Twilight opened the door. "Hey Tuxley, hey Reginald." She stepped aside. "Of course you can come in."
"Thank you, Miss Twilight."
"Thank you, your highness."
The two gentries and set their rifles in the umbrella stand by the door next to Phoenix's umbrella and Dan's cane. The t-rex took the recliner while Reginald went to fix their customary beverages. "Ahh, Master Dan, Mistress Chrys, Master Phoenix, Captain Rogers, Captain Redfield, Mr. Spike and..." his eyes met Khan's for a long moment. "Prince Singh," he finally said. "How do you fare, gentlemen?"
"We're well-rested," Spike said. "So... that's something. Where were you guys?"
"Sniping," Tux replied. "We used tranquilizer darts, managed to down quite a few of the invaders. Not the easiest feat for I or Reginald, what with their armored apparatuses but we were able to subdue our fair share. One hopes they'll be a bit more cooperative once they come 'round, as they say."
Twilight nodded. "We can use Khan's translator to talk to them once we round up the prisoners."
"Yeah, like they're going to want to talk to us," Dan said, finishing his sandwich.
"Well, we could always try water boarding them," Phoenix said. He noticed a silence and looked up from his paper to see everyone staring, eyebrows quirked at him. "What? I was JOKING, people."
And yet he worries about other people getting sued for saying dumb things Times Phoenix has made a witty joke in GOOD taste: Maybe 1* *we're kind of iffy on that 1
Dan finished his sandwich while Cap and Redfield explained the communicator to Twilight. Phoenix made no other attempts at humor, for which everyone was thankful.
"I think we'll wait til tomorrow to use the communicator," Twilight said. "Let the sea ponies and everyone rest for the night. Hopefully, once they've settled down, they'll be in the mood to talk."
Spike looked up at Twilight, expectantly. "You'll ask them, won't you?"
She nodded. "That will be the first thing I ask them." Rarity, Pinkie, Applejack, the princesses, so many others. They could be anywhere. Even Vice Grip had disappeared and there had been no further contact from the shadowy Director. Cleo, Twilight reminded herself; the creature had a name. There was no discussion among them of what they might do if anything happened to their friends. No talks of what would happen without them. They had passed that before even trying to find them. They would find them. There was no other option.
"We still may not have gotten all of the sea ponies," Dan said. He held up a colorful chart that looked like a calendar. "So until we can be sure we've got them all, I'm setting the "Evil Douchebags Might Attack Us" Alert System to Level Yellowy-Orange. The next level is Yellowy-Orange-But-Also-Kinda-Pink. This means to keep alert that douchebags might attack us, lookout for specific douchebaggy behavior and be wary who you snuggle."
Phoenix held up a clock face with a bunch of cartoon faces on it. "The Fun Time World Might Explode Clock has also moved up from midnight to 13 o'clock. And I don't know what that means," he said.
"Where did we get those things?" Spike asked. "We definitely didn't have them up until now... I don't think."
"Fluffle Puff made them!" Chrys said.
"Oh. Then, they're very important," Spike said, not questioning it further. He reminded himself to go check on the Rarity sculptures Sweetie Belle had helped him move into Carousel Boutique. Hopefully, they had survived and Rarity would enjoy them when she finally returned.
"We have to remember to treat the prisoners humanely," Captain America said. "I know Chris and I are just guests here, but I strongly advise against anything aggressive against the sea ponies. That includes interrogation," he said, looking around the room as he did so. "We'll do everything we can to get information from them, but we can't resort to actions that might cause more problems down the road. Every action we take can lead us either closer to peace... or further from it."
"Not gonna be a problem, Stevie," Dan said, leaning back. "The Mayor said she's gonna cover for us. I know you're thinking I'd said up some kind of FDR internment camp for them. But actually, I'd have their prison camp next to a vat of oil and batter and I'd tell them the first one who told me what I wanted to know didn't wind up next to coleslaw and hush puppies."
"Ha," Phoenix laughed exactly once. "If Gust was here, he'd be happy you were threatening another group with food-related puns."
"Speaking of which, we should contact Cloudsdale and find out how badly they were hit," Twilight said. "With all those sea monsters flying overhead, the pegasi and griffons probably got the worst of it."
Dan nodded. "Eeyep. And I have to say, the Jerklave and the Jerk Chickens did a bang-up job keeping our skies secure. We're going to have to give them all medals."
"Is Gust's medal going to be a chicken nugget?" Blast Fuse asked.
Dan promptly whapped her with a pillow. "YOU RUINED THE SURPRISE!"
Phoenix leaned forward as Dan abused the twins with the furniture. "You know, a lot that happened in that battle was a little too convenient."
Dan stopped strangling them. "Convenient how? Convenient that the town was only half-destroyed and not completely destroyed? Because we're at Yellowy-Orange right now."
"Hey guys?" Chrys said, "I just noticed now that Fluffle Puff has been replaced by a cardboard cutout of herself. Should we be worried?"
"Convenient as in a lot happened that was really lucky... for us," Phoenix said. "A lot of things went our way right when we needed them to. Like the tank."
"I like the tank."
"I know, Dan."
"Seriously? Guys, Fluffle Puff isn't here," Chrys said. She looked up. "She's not on the ceiling either. How long has this cutout been here?"
Phoenix stood, began pacing. "But the way it just showed up right when we needed it. And the way Flim and Flam did the same. Trixie, Aegis, and especially that orbital strike."
"I like the tank, Nicky. Don't try to say the tank is voodoo or something because that's not how tanks work," Dan warned.
"Forget the tank for a moment."
"Never."
"Okay, everything BUT the tank was a really convenient coincidence," Phoenix conceded.
"Yay," Dan's eyes twinkled. And then they went back to normal as he stood. "But I do see what you're saying. Almost as if someone PLANNED out this whole thing. It wouldn't make sense, though, because I'm completely unpredictable. I mean, even I know me, and I wouldn't have been able to predict which part of the town I'd destroy in Tanky. It would be entirely useless to an enemy because I'd just blow up everything."
Phoenix nodded. "Yes. An enemy wouldn't be able to predict your actions."
"But an ally might," Cap said. "Destroying a specific section of the town, knowing how different people would react, what they would do... that's not information an enemy would have."
Twilight's stomach grew cold. "That... would mean we have another traitor in our midst."
Dan turned to her. "Or we never found the original traitor in the first place. And the question is still: WHO?"
Chrys tapped Dan on the shoulder with the cardboard cutout. "Fluffle Puff is gone."
"Fluffle Puff's gone?!?!" they all exclaimed.
The front door of the library burst open. Dan and company ran outward, shouting, "PLAN FFF! Find Fluffle Fast!!"
"She could be anywhere! And remember, she looks like this!" Chrys said, holding up the cutout. "Dawww, even the cutout of her is so cute I could just snuggle-wuggle like a big warm buggle-wu-HEY! Wait a minute, the Cardboard Cutout Store! We should check there first!"
"Yes! The Cardboard Cutout Construction Paper Company on the corner of Arts Street and Craft Avenue!" Dan exclaimed. He mounted his girlfriend. "To the cutout store! Charge!!" With Chrys in the lead, they all charged in the direction of Arts Street for about three meters and then stopped when they saw Fluffle Puff.
"Fluffle Puff!"
The sea pony prison camp had to be pretty big, so it stretched from the south part of the town all the way up to the Library. Fluffle Puff was inside the retention/detention pond, swimming with the sea ponies and having fun. A group of food-shaped animals swam nearby, floating on their own, somehow.
"Fluffle Puff!" Dan ran up to the pond. There were no fences in place yet, much to Dan's dismay and rage. "What are you doing, young lady? You're swimming with the enemy!"
Fluffle didn't Thppth but instead spat water out at him. It landed inside the pool.
"Awww, Dan, she's having fun," Chrys said. Fluffle was using water wings and an inner tube to keep most of her hyper-absorbent fluff out of the water. The sea ponies raced her and darted around her, some snuggled up to her and she nuzzled them in response.
"They're all having fun," Twilight remarked. Without their weapons and armor, the sea ponies looked almost like they'd belonged in Equestria all along.
Cap and Chris put away their respective weapons. There was no danger here. "Looks like an important first step here, Cap."
He nodded. "Agreed. I'd jump in with them if it brought us closer to peace."
"Great idea, Cappy! CANNONBALL!!" Blast Powder yelled. She jumped into the pool prison.
"CANNONBALL FOR WORLD PEACE!!" her sister called, jumping in after her. And then Chrys leaped in, followed by Spike and Twilight.
Dan couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Need I remind you that THEY TRIED TO KILL US ALL LIKE AN HOUR AGO?!?" He held up the chart. "We're at YELLOWY-ORANGE, PEOPLE!"
Phoenix patted him on the shoulder. "I think we just dropped back to Code: Fluffle, Dan."
"Do not make fun of the alert system, Nicky."
Khan stepped up to join the other humans. Tuxley and Reginald were close by, watching him. "They would seem to be in a good mood, yes? Perhaps this is the time to make inquiries?"
Cap shook his head. "Maybe not, Khan. I think it might be better to let them have this moment."
The augment watched the display of the creatures playing. Fluffle booped the heads of the sea ponies, one at a time and they submerged in unison. Like a version of aquatic whack-a-mole, but without any points or score. They were just having fun, no rhyme or reason to it. Khan smiled... and what was remarkable about that, was it was genuine. And he knew it. "You may be right, Captain. You may be very right, indeed."
The sea ponies didn't speak english, but they apparently understood it. Twilight asked about her friends and the princess the moment she could, but none of the sea ponies in the pool had an answer. Whoever led the attack seemed to be missing. Or they hadn't made their presence known yet.
Dan waited at the edge of the water for Chrys and Fluffle to get done. His arms were folded, but he wasn't really upset with them. "Traitor... who among us could be a traitor?"
Phoenix sat next to him. "I think I might have an idea about that."
"Who?" Dan asked.
Phoenix leaned in and whispered, "The Mayor."
Dan's jaw opened. "But... she covered for us. She made our jobs easier!"
"Think about it," the lawyer said. "Who was the one who deployed the tanks, the orbital strike weapons? She ordered us around, all over town. She's more than happy to let us walk away from the havoc we caused so she can clean up. Something doesn't add up about all of that."
Dan's fists clenched. "Of course... I've known she's had something against me. Ever since Christmas, something about her has just felt... off. I don't know, something about her didn't sit right."
"Don't jump to conclusions," Phoenix warned. "We just have a theory at this point. No evidence, no motive. But no one else was involved the way she was. Trixie, Blueblood and Berry Punch were unconscious, Flim and Flam were... being salesmen, Aegis and the other guards were with us, our friends were all at home and Gust and the fliers were all in Cloudsdale."
"I have not heard her song."
"GAAH! Dammit, do you HAVE to keep doing that?"
"These sea ponies are happy now. I hear their hearts," Marksaline said. She appeared beside them, wet from the pond's water.
Phoenix turned to her. "Marksaline, have you heard any songs close to us that might sound like they're... against Ponyville? Does anyone near us sing of destroying Ponyville?"
The necromare thought for a moment, then closed her eyes. Her horn glowed. "I hear... happy songs." Her head bobbed as she listened. "They are happy. They sing of harmony, of new friends and a hero."
"Hero?" Phoenix asked.
"Hero, heh," Dan said. "Well obviously, they're talking about me and all of my exploits."
"I'm asking seriously. Can we be serious for a moment?"
"They are."
"What?"
"Wait, what?" Both humans turned to her, shocked. "Seriously?"
Marksaline nodded. "They sing songs of the man who fell from the sky, the angel of harmony."
Dan shook his head. "Really? I mean... me?"
"Give yourself some credit, Dan."
"I... kinda thought I was," Dan said, uncertain. Did ponies in town really like him that much? They considered him a... hero?
Marksaline's horn glowed. "I can show you." And that moment, time stopped and the three of them disappeared.
Ponyville appeared. Dan and Phoenix were somehow seeing it from far above, in some sort of magic vision. The town was repaired, the sun was shining and Cloudsdale and the griffon ships hovered high above along with the cruiser moored. The sea ponies were far away. Dan and Phoenix understood they were seeing a vision of before the attack.
The vision changed. In front of the Town Hall, Trixie was setting up her stage again along with Blueblood. Berry Punch waved at them. But in front of the stage, directly across from it, was a statue. A solid gold statue of Dan.
There were statues all throughout Ponyville. There hadn't been any there when Dan and Phoenix had run through just a few hours ago, but in the vision there were. Groups of ponies stopped to see the statues, all of them in solid gold. Gust Grasp, Blueblood, Trixie, all sorts of griffons, ponies, crystal ponies and zebras... everyone. They were constructing them.
One statue depicted Dan pulling a red Sword Spell-shaped thorn out of a giant filly's hoof. Words engraved underneath the statue read: Dan Tames the Steel Giant. The "Steel Giant" was obviously Magic Gear Knight, the Sword Spell somehow representing a thorn in a massive lion's paw.
Another statue showed Dan standing on a cannon, sword drawn and swashbuckling with a statue of Gust Grasp who was kneeling before him. The title of it was: Dan Earns the Respect of The Pirate King.
High in Cloudsdale, a statue of Commander Hurricane was moved out of the central hub. A new statue, one of Dan pulling a pegasus out of a swirling vortex storm was put in its place by the pegasi, including Captain Springer, Derpy and Rainbow Dash. Instead of Aegis Semper Caelum emblazoned on the side, it read the words: Dan Saves the Pegasi from the Storm. The "storm" had been the Enclave. It represented Dan saving the pegasi from themselves, the storm they had created.
Close to the edge of town was a larger statue. It showed Dan dressed as a minuteman tapping on a drum with drumsticks that oddly resembled spears, on a drum that was styled like one of Zen Zeal's shields. The title read: Dan Leads the Lost Tribes Back Home. Behind the golden statue of Dan were smaller statues of zebras and hippies and even aliens.
A final statue was placed in the center of town. Like the rest of them, it had been made from gold that Blueblood had constructed his poorly-made buildings with during his brief rule. This final monument was a centerpiece to the entire town, a figure of Dan with balled fists shouting up at the sky. It had a longer engraving at the bottom:
He who has room for both hatred and love must truly have the biggest heart of all. Through righteousness and malice, we follow in his footsteps, protected by his love, his hate and his fury. Though he is not of us, we follow in his path, that we may know true harmony. Our hero, who does the impossible for us simply because we asked, and because he can. Noblest always, friend of Equestria, our neighborhood jerk, Dan.
"Did... you didn't ask them to build statues of you, did you?" Phoenix asked. "That's... so sweet."
Dan, however, was sobbing. "It's... it's so beautiful. I mean, really this is... this is just way too much," he cried. "They actually like me here! They think I'm awesome! And all the statues were... well, they're kinda of all wrong, about everything but... they're just so beautiful."
Phoenix also teared up. "I think, I think the intent is more symbolic."
"THEY LOVE ME!" Dan exclaimed. "They love me like I'm... like I'm their friend! And I hate most of them! AND NOW I CAN'T! AND I HATE THAT!"
The vision changed. The statues were torn down. Flashes zipped by, like images on a screen. The Mayor out in front of Town Hall with a bullhorn, a crowd surrounding her. She shook her head at the statues and one by one, they were removed. Flutterbirds descended to lift them up and out of the city.
It was then Dan and Phoenix realized what they were watching. This was what had happened in Ponyville while they were gone, while they had been fighting in the underground structure. In Phillydelphia, Manehattan, Detrot, Pittsbuck, Trottingham, all throughout Equestria, flags of the kingdom burned. Ponies led riots, hooves upheld like Dan, destroying marble statues of Princess Celestia. A voice echoed:
"-than she ever did!" "-did more for us than she ever did!" "Dan did more for us than she ever did!"
"Ahhh!" The vision ended. "Holy crap!"
"Why am I wet?!" Dan yelled.
"We were trying to get your attention, silly!" Chrys said. "We got the communicator to work. We can talk to the sea ponies now."
Dan got up in a huff. "I don't wanna talk to the sea ponies. Right now, I wanna talk to the Mayor."
"And what do you want to talk about, Dan?" Mayor Mare asked him.
"Yes?" the mayor raised an eyebrow, looking expectant and irritated.
"You," Dan said again. But he stopped, hunched over, finger pointing accusingly. How would he word this? What proof did he have? "You... took down the town's statues of me!"
Phoenix stepped in before Dan or the Mayor could escalate things. "Mayor, were there riots while Dan and I were gone?"
"Yes?" She said again, a questioning answer. "There have been multiple riots. To which are you referring?"
"There have been riots?" Twilight asked, hovering over. Her voice was genuine concern. "Mayor, why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, I-"
"And why did you take down the me statues?!"
"Yeah, why did you take down the statues of Dan?"
"There were statues of Dan?" Chys asked, rising out of the water on top of the Fluffle. The fluffy pony sponged her way out of the water along with some of the foodimals. A sea pony was stuck to her side until Chrys pried her off.
The mayor closed her eyes, sighed, then opened them. "I had to take down those statues."
"Ah-HA!" Dan declared. "So, you admit it! You admit the ponies love me and YOU have been trying to suppress their affection!"
She sighed again.
"Dan, she didn't admit to anything yet," Phoenix said. "She's only confirmed that there have been riots, but other than that, we don't know if-"
"He's right." Gasps. Twilight, Phoenix, Chrys, their heads whipped to Mayor Mare.
Dan put his hands on his hips. "So, I say again, Ah-HA. You HAVE been trying to subvert my image." He beamed, as if he just made some amazing discovery. It reminded Phoenix of the way he looked sometimes, usually just before his Psyche-Gauge exploded. Or, the few times he was actually right in an accusation.
And Mayor Mare just looked back at him. She was an older mare, not quite as old as Granny Smith but up there in years. Although, Chrys was far older than all of them and that didn't affect her. Fluffle Puff was actually the oldest of them all, but none of them knew that. Age was just a number and usually a more confusing than helpful one.
They all looked at the mayor for an explanation. She just looked back at Dan, the only one she really needed to explain herself to. "You haven't made things easy, Dan. I think that fact speaks plainly. You've done some great things for us, and we all appreciate what you've done."
"BUT..." Dan said expectantly.
But the mayor continued. "You have saved us. All of you have. When the princesses vanished, you all rescued the kingdom in its hour of need. Everypony in town is very grateful, including me. We're in your debt."
"But..." Phoenix now added.
And still, the mayor did not take the easy way out. "We needed you. We still need you to keep being you and keep doing what you do."
"But," now Twilight was doing it.
"But," Chrys added.
"Thpppth." Which meant, Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttt.
"But," the Mayor finally said, "there's only so much you can do."
Dan's eyes popped open. "Wait a minute. You're saying I don't do enough? I'm not around enough?"
Phoenix stepped forward, shaking his head. "Let me get this straight. He makes your job harder, he destroyed half the town, everypony thinks he's a hero as opposed to you... and you're saying he should do MORE?"
"Yeah, even I'm surprised at that," Chrys said. "I mean, if Dan did any more, there problem wouldn't even be a Ponyville any more."
"Hey! That's not true," Dan yelled. "The library would be fine!" He pointed at Golden Oaks.
"Because you destroyed that already," Chrys pointed out.
"No, that was Vinyl Scratch!"
"I heard my name!"
"Zip it before you lose another store roof!" Dan shouted.
"I know you don't mean that, but I'll let you do your thing."
Mayor Mare approached Dan. "I'm saying you're only one person. I honestly think that's a problem Equestria has had on the whole," her eyes looked to Twilight, Phoenix and the others. "We've had the princesses for... well, since we began. This is the first time we've really had to deal without them. You rose up, against all odds to fill the gap and be what we needed you to be. But there are some things you will never be able to do for us. There are some things we need to do on our own."
"I GET that. But that DOESN'T mean I don't deserve recognition for all the awesome things I've done! And we've done. Together," he said, drawing stares from those around him. "Mostly me. But with help from everybody else."
"Modesty's not really his strong suit, is it?"
"You shut up, Redfield."
"And it can't just be you," the mayor said, grabbing his hand and turning him toward her. "Hero worship and praising a replacement for Princess Celestia and Princess Luna will not fix our problems. We need all of us to rise. I don't have the power to summon heroes from Earth, so I summoned others," she said, turning to the ponies around her.
Twilight nodded, understanding. "You used your own magic. To bring those together when Ponyville needed them the most. Trixie, Blueblood, Aegis, even the Flim Flam Brothers."
"Actually, the Flim Flam Brothers just showed up on their own," the Mayor admitted. The two brothers waved their hooves above the sea of background ponies. They were selling tickets to see the imprisoned sea ponies, not that there was a charge for seeing them. Fortunately, the author's friend Michael Hay wasn't around, or he probably would've bought a whole roll.
"Can I have ten tickets, please? I might want to come back a few times." Squee. Well, there went that.
"So, you were trying to prevent ponies from looking up to Dan like they did the princesses," Twilight said. "After all that's happened, that does make sense. I honestly kind of feel responsible... even though I shouldn't," she admitted. Chrys comforted her. "I still kind of feel like a junior princess. Does that make sense?"
"No," Dan said flatly. He smiled at Twilight, "But we love you just the same, Twilight." She smiled back at him, her eyes sparkling.
"Ponies still look up to you, Dan. I didn't change that," the Mayor said. "But I did try to encourage them to not necessarily emulate you... and to be themselves. Use their own talents and strengths to help Ponyville. And they did."
Dan nodded, understanding. "I... appreciate that, Mayor. I always said I'm not a role model, but... I guess I kinda, partly, still wanted to be. A little. And another thing!" he yelled, pointing at her again. "Why did you take down those statues?! They were awesome, they were... historically inaccurate but symbolically significant! AND THEY WERE OF ME!!!"
"The gold used to make them, that Blueblood used to make his gaudy buildings, was actually from the Canterlot treasury. We had to put it back or the kingdom would've gone bankrupt," Mayor Mare said.
"Oh." That was a bit surprising to all of them, though it probably shouldn't have been.
Dan was left feeling a little silly, having suspected the Mayor of treason. So much so, he was tempted to blame Phoenix for making the suggestion in the first place. But he probably would've come to the same conclusion, so he decided not to blame his best friend.
"I... kinda feel silly," Phoenix said. "I guess sometimes the best intentions really ARE the best intentions. Thanks, Mayor."
She grabbed both the humans' hands. "Just because someone doesn't endorse EVERYTHING you do, doesn't mean they don't support you. It's hard to understand, sometimes, but a leader isn't always what a community needs. At times, they need to believe in themselves, be their own leaders. They need to believe in themselves, Dan."
Maybe there was a problem with Equestria and ponies. The loyalty and togetherness, the sense of love and family, a lot of the things Dan liked about Equestria was tied to the fact that the ponies believed in the princesses. Without them, things had fallen apart like a beautiful house of cards. Things that unite many people and ponies are fragile and rarely last long. Underneath that was the potential for everything Dan despised about his own species... and himself.
Dan had seen that, faced that on an individual level. The Mayor had faced it on a societal level. Ponies scrambled to fill the gap left by Celestia and Luna with anything, including Dan. But it wouldn't be doing them any favors, Dan now understood. More than anything else, they needed themselves. They needed independence.
Or maybe they didn't. No, there was still something off about this. Things still didn't add up. Dan didn't know much... but he knew that if she genuinely didn't want ponies to revere him, she wouldn't be manipulating them. His eyes narrowed.
And Phoenix sensed it, too. "I... understand, Mayor. I just have one last question," the lawyer said, turning to her slowly. "If all this is true... why didn't you tell us?"
The Mayor looked at him and without hesitation said, "A lot's been happening, you understand. If you want me to inform you of everything that goes on from now on, I can certainly do that," she said, smiling. And to everyone else, it looked like she was being perfectly honest. She hadn't quivered, hadn't flinched, hadn't done anything. But Phoenix Wright saw something different when he looked at her.
The world became dark, pitch black in an instant. All that was left in Phoenix Wright's vision was Mayor Mare, smiling at him innocently. And then the chains blocked his path to her, locked boxes appearing in midair over them. The truth behind them.
(Oh, this is just PERFECT. The MAYOR is hiding stuff from us now, that's just great. When did this even start? How much does she know? Gonna have to tell Dan about this... What reason does she have to lie? And why is she lying... so well?)
"Is everything okay, Mr. Wright?"
"Um, yes." (Better not press this one before I get something to try and pick those locks with. Maybe this does have something to do with the sea ponies.) "I understand why you kept the information from us." (Because you're lying.) "Thank you for telling me."
Dan stepped forward. "Indubitably, mayor. Yes, of course we want everypony to be able to fend for themselves. And as I said, I know I'm not the best role model. So you know what, I'm gonna do you a favor."
"Oh?" Mayor Mare asked. Her eyes went wide in surprise. "What is this favor, if I may ask?"
Dan smiled. "To thank you personally, Mayor, and to show you just how much I trust you, we're going on vacation!"
"Vacation?"
"Vacation?!" Twilight and Phoenix both asked in surprise and outright shock respectively. Phoenix tended to get shocked easily, however- a side effect of being anime. "This is- um, well, a bit abrupt, don't you think?"
"The best things are!" Dan proclaimed. "We'll leave you in charge of the town while we're gone, okay, Mayor?"
She smiled. "Thank you," she said, almost hesitantly. "I'm most grateful for your vote of confidence, Captain Dan," she said, making it as official as possible. Her tone and particular word usage made it clear she was using Dan's approval as an endorsement. Like a real politician, nothing wasted. "And yours and the princesses' approval is most reassuring in these trying times. Ponyville is never ungrateful for the support," she bowed.
Dan spun around. "Then it's settled! Come along, Nicky, Twilight, everybody, let us go plan our epic and relaxing getaway far away from Ponyville!"
"Far... away? How far are we talking?" Twilight asked.
Dan grabbed her by the ear. "Far enough that we won't worry about that question! C'mon, Twilight."
"Ow, ow, that's attached to me, gentle."
Dan marched back to the library in a heavily exaggerated fashion. He didn't drop the charade until everyone was back inside and the door was closed behind them. He then frowned, braced in front of the door and declared, "She's full of squee."
"The Mayor IS the traitor," Twilight said, having gathered everything. "I mean, it doesn't matter who ponies look up to. They're not going to go nuts and start burning things down or turn on each other without leadership."
"Maybe the Mayor doesn't think that way," Phoenix said, rubbing his chin. "She might believe that without guidance, things will descend into anarchy. And she might be scared that if it's anyone but her or the princesses, that it might lead Equestria towards destruction." (Blueblood taking over probably didn't help things.)
"Whatever her reasoning, lying and conniving her way with literally EVERYPONY isn't the way to do it," Dan said. "Who even votes for her, anyway?"
"Not really anypony since they fired Term Limits."
"Wait, how did they fire term limits?"
"Term Limits was the deputy mayor," Twilight explained. "But she messed up the Summer Sun Celebration one year and the Mayor fired her because of it. Ever since then, there haven't really been any elections."
Dan and Phoenix both looked absolutely dumbfounded at the purple pony. "Because a pony named Term Limits was fired... there are no term limits now. How does this make sense in ANY universe?" Dan demanded.
Twilight shrugged. "Term Limits organized the elections. With her gone, nopony really wanted to go through with it so they just... kept letting Mayor Mare be mayor." At some point as she said it, Twilight herself realized how silly that was. Her expression went from contemplative, to puzzled, to 'how did this even happen' and finally to disappointment. In light of that, she changed the subject. "So um, what are we going to do about the Mayor?"
Dan shrugged. "We're going to do exactly what I said. We're goin' on vacation."
"What about the sea ponies?" Phoenix asked.
"I have Chrys and Cap talking to the sea ponies with Khan's communicator right now. I bet the Mayor was expecting ME to do the interrogating," Dan said, chuckling. "This'll throw her off. Once they get back, we'll find out where to take our 'vacation' and find the rest of the sea ponies."
Spike shook his head. "I almost don't believe it. You really do think of everything, don't you, Dan?"
Dan nodded and patted him on the back. "Somebody has to around here, don't they?"
"Question," Twilight raised her hoof, "if we don't trust Mayor Mare, who is really going to stay behind to keep an eye on Ponyville?"
"Ahhh..." Dan opened his mouth, but that was all that came out for a moment. "That I had not thought about."
While Dan and the others were busy planning, Chrys was trying to keep an eye on Fluffle Puff and also get information from the sea ponies. She wasn't sure if she could turn into a sea pony, but felt as though she could. She still didn't want to risk transforming in front of anypony. It was best to keep the details of her powers secret from those who didn't know.
Khan stood behind her next to Cap. Behind both of them, Tuxley and Reginald were keeping an eye on things. Blast Fuse, Blast Powder and Fluffle were playing with the sea ponies. They didn't need to speak the same language to understand fun.
Chrys held the communicator aloft with her magic. "Why did you come to Ponyville?" she asked. She thought it best to start with non-aggressive questions. A yellow one with a purple mane, a mare if Chrys could tell, looked back at the others and then swam over to her.
"Eeeeessh-allll haasssssssaaaa errrrsssh kolla verrr. Sshaasss sala bassey-neth ko-korassssss." The sea pony language wasn't one that made much of an audible difference on the surface. Most of their sounds were long versions of the same syllables, a combination of high and low hisses and croaks. Their voices resembled water hitting water, in drips, waves or in streams. It was somewhat like listening to a waterfall with a changing flow.
The translator did its job after a few moments. "Translation: The Seers foretold you would attack us first. Our House was chosen to preemptively strike your invasion force because we were the weakest. The God wished to end your threat."
"The god?" Chrys asked. This could be bad. "What god? You mean your god?"
"Seeeeeeshaaa allla bassy-neth. Koo-kun bashtalla orson bassey-neth." The yellow one swam in a circle while speaking.
"Translation," the communicator piped again, "The god Poseidon is a god from Earth. He was summoned to help us conquer Equestria and then Earth."
"A god? A REAL god?" Chrys asked, stepping closer. "That's incredibly... dangerous. We weren't planning on invading you! And neither was Earth! I think. How did you even summon a god?!"
"Hish! Hish! Hish! Hish!" She laughed, spinning again. A few others nearby overhead Chrys and laughed as well. Part of their communication appeared to be movement. Spinning or swimming in a circle seemed to be intrigue or interest, maybe their way of saying they were happy. There were more pensive-looking sea ponies in the detention retention pond that were either swimming slowly face up on their backs or face down, possibly indicating regret or maybe reflection.
"Kasala horsh bassey-neth. Ke-koon kalla bassy-neth. Orsh orsh essshhhh alla seeeees bah-ralla."
"Translation: You have been stockpiling weapons for some time. We watch you and we have seen this. Your conquest of the griffons and zebras has not gone unnoticed. We realized we were next and so attacked you first." The translator's voice came out stoic, but the yellow mare was smiling at her. She seemed friendly. The translator continued, "We summoned a god to help us invade you, but the god does not listen. It is incomplete and dormant now, but we suspect he is regaining his strength along with the others."
Chrys felt her throat knot. "Others? You summoned OTHER gods?" She shook her head. This was a lot to take in, even for what they normally had to take in. There were now apparently gods among them and more than one, at least to the sea ponies. They could be anything. "So you summoned a god to help you. You don't worship it?"
"Essshhh. Esssh-ala-torssssss. Seeeeg seeeg bassey-neth, tun-tors-tala." Some of the 'phrases' seemed the same, same pronunciation but with a different. Yes, eeeeesh, seeeeesh and essssssh seemed to be similar phrases. Bassey-neth was another phrase repeated often.
"Computer, what does Bassey-ness mean?"
"Translation bassey. Bas is the sea distinguished from the land or sky. Sey is of family or part of, included or one with. Ne is not, combined with ne-eth to form not of. Bassey-neth means "not of the family of sea or seas."
Chrys nodded. She was referring to them. Bassey were the sea ponies, bassey-neth were the not-sea ponies. Her mind chuckled at the way "not-sea" sounded like Nazi. She'd have to tell Dan that one later; he'd probably use it to poke fun at Springer with, even though she wasn't a "nazi pegasus" any more. Nazi ponies had been Dan's name for the Enclave when they were evil, not entirely inaccurate at the time for Equestria.
It sounded like they didn't worship this god, as in, it wasn't a god to them but rather something close to it. God might have a different meaning all together, but it was probably very dangerous anyway. Poseidon... Chrys would have to remember that name Maybe Dan knew what it meant.
Chrys laid down on her belly at the edge of the pond. She stuck a hoof into the water. Her new 'friend' came closer. "What's your name?"
The sea pony mare stuck an elongated fin-leg into the water. "Rrrsshaa. Rsssh qo-cop esssh?"
"Translation: Aura. What is your name." The translator couldn't tell it had been a question.
Chrys smiled. "I'm Chrys. It's nice to meet you, Aura. My friend you were playing with earlier is Fluffle Puff. Are you the leader here?" As she asked, Fluffle Puff came swimming by adorably, carried by some of her foodimal friends.
She dove a bit, lowering herself but her purple eyes kept in contact with Chrys'. Chrys had to admit, she was very cute for an aquatic horse. Diving was apparently a negative response. "Kssss. Ksssss. Krsssss." She tried to say Chrys' name. "Krssss. Krrrrssss." She gargled some water in her mouth and then said a long, "Krssshhhhhhrrssss" but it still wasn't quite right.
"Hehe, that's close enough. Are you all from Canterlantis? If you don't attack us any more, we can let you go," Chrys said.
"Translation: Not Canterlantis aware of. Of new home Rapture. Long before of home here. Home now of apart sea ponies. Only attack to defend of new home. Desire of not attack."
Chrys nodded. The translator still only had a few key phrases and wasn't programmed with their full language. It was reaching the current end of its usefulness, at least until it heard and was able to decipher more of their language. The communicator needed time to process the new information. But Chrys understood and at the same time didn't understand. Not aware of Canterlantis? Or was Rapture their name for Canterlantis? Or another place entirely?
The good news was, they didn't want to attack any more. So there was still a chance for peace, maybe even a good one. There was one thing Chrys needed to ask.
"Thank you for answering my questions. Do you know where your leader is? The leader of the attack, maybe your army here?"
Aura's smile turned into a frown. She swam up to Chrys and touched her hoof lightly. "Ssssrrrr rrrsssssh. Essss eeeeees bassey. Eeeees essss bassey-neth. Orson tun-tola, shalla tol ursssss . Essssss alla essh. Orson-talla."
"Translation: Commander Aura. Of army leader myself. Of Rapture leader Charles Milton Porter. Minerva's Den deep-side, calculations within to predict leadership necessity. He is there. Because instruction attack Charles Milton Porter of myself warriors."
"Charles Milton Porter," Chrys repeated. "That's the name of your leader?"
Surprisingly, the sea pony nodded. She was beginning to understand more of Chrys' mannerisms just from seeing her. She pointed at Chrys.
She shook her head. "No, I'm not the leader here. Our leader is... missing. We're looking for her." Aura dipped the edge of one fin into the water, creating a ring that flowed out from around it. Chrys could tell she meant "I'm sorry."
It was beginning to make sense to her. Subtle gestures were deeper emotions, deeper messages while quicker movements were more excited ones. Touching her meant "I want to know about you" and any abrupt change of motion meant move on or change of subject. Repeating the same motion quicker conveyed urgency and words were centered around details. Probably the reason why the translator had difficulty was that there were many words it didn't know, a lot of details.
"Thank you for talking to me," Chrys said. From having interacted with her, Chrys was confident she could change into a sea pony now. Already she could feel how it would be like to alter her body that way, what she would need to remember to do to adjust her physical structure to get it just right. Changing, as with most forms of magic, were more art than science, but they depended on the target.
"I'll do my best to see about getting you and your friends released soon," Chrys said.
"Has-has-has-has! Hashashashashas! Bassey! Bassey-neth-bassey-bassey-krrss!" Aura clapped delightedly and dove back into the water. Several of the others swam off with her.
Fluffle, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder climbed out of the pool. The Blast Sisters were wearing snorkels for some reason. They were both carrying a pile of foodimals while Fluffle had several foodimals attached to her.
"We're taking them with us."
"Don't judge us!"
"Thppp."
"You three look like you had fun," Chrys said.
Fusey nodded. "They said we had to collect them all. So we're collecting them all."
"I support this entirely."
"Thpp-thpp-thppp-thp." I am their queen now. I shall deliver my people to the promised land.
Chrys smiled. "Well, I can't really argue with that, can I? C'mon, guys. Let's go home." They carried the foodimals back in the direction of the library.
The foodimals themselves appeared after one of the pet stores in Ponyville was demolished. How they came to be at a pet store in the first place was a mystery. They were very much homeless until Fluffle Puff adopted them. The Blast Sisters had become involved with them as well, not hesitating at the chance to play.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the pond, Khan was in his own state of reflection. He was keenly aware of Tuxley and Reginald watching him, but they weren't bothering him. He looked up at Cloudsdale, up at the Reliant-R still docked there. So close and yet so far away.
"It's quite interesting, is it not?" Khan asked. He looked over his shoulder at the tyrannosaurus and crystal pony. "The Starfleet vessel. It's not entirely out of place moored on the side of Cloudsdale, is it? I find it... poetic."
"Poetic. Yes," Tuxley said, not looking up at the vessel. "Equestria is quite accommodating to guests and visitors of all varieties. Traveler, sojourner, wanderer and all, this place is a refuge for the displaced. Within reason, of course."
Khan turned to Tuxley. It was evening now, the moon rising high. The augment's face and the reptile's face were both half-illuminated by the moon, along with Reginald. Half in light, half cast in darkness.
"You don't trust me," Khan said.
"Trust and distrust are both earned," Tux replied. "You've earned neither, Mr. Singh. I remain... suspicious." Reginald cleared his throat.
Khan stepped forward. "Ah, but what have I done to earn your suspicion?" he asked. "I am but one of the humble displaced, as you said. Here not of my own accord but because someone willed it. Surely these... unique circumstances merit the slightest consideration?"
And that was the first time Tux had made a mistake with Khan. A battle of words, he had lost, as a response to Khan's words was lost on him. He had no justification for his own suspicion, nothing but his own prejudgment based on an old VHS tape he kept in his museum. In that moment, Tux began to feel himself do something he knew he'd regret: he began to give Khan the benefit of the doubt. His mistrust began to melt away.
It hadn't just been the way Khan had phrased it, but the way he had said it. It was a genuine question rather than a statement of fact. For the first time, Khan Noonien Singh was being... humble. Sincere. And that disarmed the gentleman dinosaur.
"Perhaps they do, your highness," Tuxley said. "Perhaps they do. There is something you could do to alleviate concerns, Khan."
"And that is?"
"May I inquire as to why you are here? What is it you wish from Equestria?" Tux asked.
Khan looked down for a moment, his folded arms going slack. Instead of a young warrior-prince, he looked like the weary traveler he was, old before his time. "I will tell you... I presume you're aware of my... less-fortunate exploits."
"Very much so, yes."
"Then you're aware of what I have been through. But to actually feel it is... indescribable," Khan said, looking back up at them. "I was born into a world of war, raised to be a conqueror and leader of men. I had wealth and..." he stopped himself, realizing he had said the exact words before. "I lost everything. Three times over... I lost everything."
Tux adjusted his top hat. "Three times, you were born into a world not of your own. Three times you did try to conquer such a world, to subjugate it and bend it to your will. And three times you failed only to be frozen in time to be awakened in yet another world. A man out of time, never quite in the right place."
"No," Khan glared at him, though they knew he wasn't angry at them. "No, I only failed once. I failed to conquer a world once. I failed to receive a second chance twice. Once because of anger... and once because of fate."
"So you want another chance? Another chance to build your kingdom?"
"Another chance to build something... superior," Khan clarified. He nodded. "Yes, that is what I want."
Tuxley turned to look up at the vessel. Moored in the clouds, the moonlight shined off the surface of its hull, almost making it look like it was part of Cloudsdale itself. Not quite, however, for its powerful and recently-repaired engines, Tux knew were ready to take flight. She was almost ready to be launched.
"As you know, Reginald and I are collectors of things from other places. When I first saw your vessel being flown by Gust Grasp over Ponyville, I knew there would be something worth collecting on board," Tux said, looking at the ship. "That's why I became a museum curator. Daring Do and Reginald and I... we believe that collecting these things can show people that all these things that seem so different are all part of the same world, in a way. We're all... connected... in that way."
"Noble," Khan said, hands on his hips again. But he meant it genuinely. "Am I to be part of your collection, then?"
"Your story, perhaps, with your permission," Tux said. "But my museum has much from other places. There are, perhaps, some things that might help you on your own journey."
Khan smiled. "I appreciate that. But I want to tell you something else," he turned and pointed to the ship again. "You were correct in thinking there's something worth collecting aboard that ship. There is a device on board, powerful enough to reshape an entire planet."
Tuxley's jaw dropped. "A Genesis device?! THE Genesis torpedo?"
"That's... oh goodness, sir! That's almost unthinkable!" Reginald exclaimed, breaking his silence.
The tall augment shook his head. "Genesis-2. A successor project." If Tux and Reginald's jaws weren't already on the floor, they'd have dropped further. "That is the purpose of Reliant-R. Her mission, her crew's mission was to continue research on the reborn Project Genesis in order to create a new device capable of creating habitable worlds."
"But... the original project..."
"Was a catastrophic failure, I'm aware," Khan said, holding up his hand. "Undaunted, the Federation is once again trying to continue this program. Unfortunately, their vessel is here... which is why I want it to be sent back. Once our intrepid leader is finished using it, of course," Khan said, looking at them straight in the eyes. "But I want to be sent back to my own universe as the commander of that vessel. To use as I see fit."
"For revenge?"
Khan stared him back firmly. "For a second chance."
They were quiet for a long moment after that. There were no further verbal sparring matches in that time and they simply watched as the moonlight danced across the water and Equestria. A shooting star flew by somewhere in the distance, a meteor hurtling towards Equestria. When they were done, Tuxley told him he would tell Twilight and that they would consider everything he said. For better or worse, Khan had received the benefit of the doubt.
Chrys, the Blasties and their pets arrived back at the library. The foodimals had not been scanned by the security system so Fluffle held them extra tight so they would be protected. Chrys knocked on the door even though she could've just entered.
Dan opened the door. "Okay, now who-AAAAAAAGH!" The foodimals jumped on him. "AAAGH, GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! WAIT" He stopped struggling, "These are squeak toys." He held up a hot dog-shaped foodimal.
"Brrrrrrbb?"
He squeaked it. "Living food squeaky toys. Why? Why are there living food squeaky toys now?"
Chrys trotted past him. "Because Fluffle wanted them. And our fluffy princess gets what she wants." She kissed her boyfriendu.
Dan held the squeaky toy for a long time. Fluffle Puff rose up from off-camera and placed a cheeseburger foodimal on his head. Dan's eyes went up to it and the creature purred.
"Blasties!" Dan yelled.
The pair popped up and saluted. "Yes, D-Boss?"
"It's just Dan," he shoved the foodimals in their face. "Find someplace to put these. If someone mistakes them for food, I'm not going to be held responsible. In fact," he thought, "I have a plan."
"Yes, I'll tell you about it later. Chrys!" He yelled.
"Yes, awesome boyfriend?"
Dan dove onto the couch back in the living room. "Intel from the sea ponies! Were you able to get them to talk, what did they say and how much torture did it require?"
"Charles Milton Porter," Chrys repeated. "That's who they said their leader was."
"Uh-huh. And he's a god or something?" Dan asked.
She shook her head. "No, he's the one that leads the sea ponies. Apparently, they live in some place called Rapture. None of the ones we talked to knew what Canterlantis was."
"The ones we talked to did!" Blast Fuse exclaimed. She sat at the foot of the couch, her sister on the opposite side, clutching Phoenix's legs. "They said that Canterlantis used to be awesome, but then stuff happened and now the whole place is ruined. The sea ponies split into tribes and are now fighting each other for control of the seas. The weakest tribe- those are the ones that attacked us, lives in Rapture, another ruined city."
"Ahh," Chrys nodded. "That explains a- hey, how were you two able to talk to the sea ponies?"
"Through Fluffle Puff!" the Blasties exclaimed. They exclaim a lot and it's cute. "She spoke to the sea ponies and then she talked to us!" They all looked at Fluffle Puff, expecting her to do something, say something to confirm this. Chrys leaned forward, adorable suspicion in her eyes. A tactical mistake, however, as Fluffle Puff licked her. Chrys wiped it off and resumed listening.
"Sea ponies apparently like all kinds of games, sports and challenges," Blast Powder mused. "None of them were very upset about losing to us in battle," she tapped her chin. "Maybe we could invite them to the Equestria Games. They're divided up into warring tribes right now, but if we could unite them... we might even be able to reintegrate them back into society. Make them new allies."
"That's when we finally find the rest of them," Dan pointed out. "And they summoned a god to help them get control of the seas? That sounds like something a cult would do. No wait, that IS something a cult would do. This Charles-guy has a lot of explaining to do."
"Charles... that's not a very pony-like name, from what I understand," Phoenix said. "Unless they're like the hippies and they use human-sounding names."
Twilight shook her head, walking around the coffee table. "The hippies were the only group in Equestria to do that. Even then, they only did that temporarily- they could change their names to something else for any reason."
"Hmm," Dan rubbed his chin. "I wonder if they take suggestions. Like Simon and Garfunk-yourself. Has-Ben and Jerry."
"Dan-"
"ShouldStop instead of Woodstock. Never-Learning Man."
"Dan," Twilight insisted.
"Hang on, I got one more," Dan thought for a moment. "The Ungrateful Deadbeats."
"That's enough," Twilight said. "The hippies are fine and are helping us rebuild the town. George Washington seems to be leading them in a more peaceful and proactive direction than Flower Power and they've stopped playing that... um, what was it again? That giant log-thing?"
"World's largest electric didgeridoo," Phoenix said. The whole room paused for a moment and the crew looked around, as if expecting something. Khan raised an eyebrow, his eyes casually darting side to side as he stood in his classic arms-folded pose, expectant. But nothing happened. Because while I will run some jokes into the ground, the didgeridoo isn't worth running into the ground. Standards; sometimes, I have them.
"Like I said, they're not playing it constantly," Twilight continued. She briefly stopped to listen one last second just to be sure. Success. "But it does raise a question. Who are we going to get to stay behind while we're having our 'vacation?'"
Dan stood. "No one is staying behind," he said triumphantly, as if the idea was a victory in and of itself. "We're all going on vacation. Everybody! The pirate griffons, the royal guard, Enclave and all of us! We said we'd leave the mayor in charge anyway, right? So this will be the chance to 'prove' herself. Because you know she will."
Twilight, Chrys and Phoenix, collectively the smart trio, shook their heads. "Leaving the town completely defenseless isn't the best idea, Dan."
"Also, leaving the town in charge of... well, a suspected turncoat," Spike pointed out. Smart quartet now.
"Ahh, but that's exactly what they'd be expecting!" Dan said, devilishly pointing with a devilish finger and devilish grin. Despite that what he was suggesting was more counter-devilish. "Yes, they'll be EXPECTING us to leave someone responsible and smart behind."
Phoenix nodded. "Which would be really responsible and smart for us to do and it's worked out really well for us in the past. So naturally, we want to put a stop to that."
"Intelligence and practical decisions may work for some, but since when have they ever worked for us?" Chrys asked. "Right Twilight?"
Twilight sighed heavily. "My head hurts and I need a vacation. AND INTELLIGENCE ALWAYS WORKS FOR US!!" She yelled. Princess rage-mode activated. "I support smart decisions! I'm yelling this because I'm smart!"
"I HAVE ALWAYS SAID THE SMARTEST PEOPLE WERE THE LOUDEST!" Dan yelled, grinning massively.
"You've literally never said that!" Phoenix said. (Though it does sound like something you'd say.)
"But Phoenix, you're like the loudest guy we know. At least, when you yell objection and stuff. And you're pretty smart," Spike added.
"Yeah, don't get too excited- I was only comparing you to the rest of this group. It's like saying you're the smartest chimp- you're still part of a circus," Spike clarified. Phoenix stopped patting him on the head.
"Nicky's pathetically low self-esteem aside, I think it's pretty much safe to say that EVERYONE objects to this plan?" Dan asked.
"Yeah." "Pretty much." "YES!" "Basically." "T'would appear so." "Are the foodimals just here now? Where did they even... do we... do we have to clean up after them?" "I have no idea." "I guess." "Are you answering me or Dan?" "Sure." "Why not?" "Okay." "Okie dokie lokie-okie!" "Yesssssss." "Is that Pinkie? Why is Pinkie here?" "Thpppp." "Maybe." "I got nothing better to do." "GET ON WITH IT!"
"So it's settled!" Dan announced. "We're all going on vacation! I'm happy we all came to an agreement." Twilight face-desked. Chrys face-Fluffled. "Everybody get packed up tonight, Nicky and I will go grab some food and we'll leave first thing in the morning. Vacation commencing!"
Dan and Phoenix went out for pizza, ordering carry out rather than delivery(because the security system tended to target pizza delivery ponies in the event they were disguises.) Neither of them noticed a familiar pony walking on two metal boots among the wreckage, but Vice Grip definitely noticed them. For the moment, the scientist seemed to do nothing but observe. He still had that menacing look in his eye, however.
With most of the town still under repair, many of the bakeries on Baker's Street banned to help one another. Ponies still needed to eat, so the bakers of Ponyville and other various restauranteurs joined up to combine whatever food and cooking equipment they had. Stews, salads, pizza and other meals that combined multiple ingredients were all that the town could provide, but there was fortunately plenty to go around. Phoenix and Dan were able to pick up several pizzas of various variety made with a little touch from every baker in town. It was a meal that comprised the best of Ponyville working together and symbolized unity and harmony in a time of hardship. Dan hated it at first, then started to like it, then hated it even more until his hate finally coalesced into mild tolerance with just a sprinkle of love. And possibly indigestion.
The next morning, Dan awakened and was pleased to find everyone had packed just as he had instructed.
"What the hell is wrong with you idiots? NONE of you packed ANYTHING?!" Except for the fact the exact opposite happened.
"Can you please keep your voice down?" Twilight asked, holding her ears in her princess pajamas, made to look extra adorable and princess-y just for Lady Leomon. They may or may not have had her face on them, the pajamas. Twilight's face, not Lady Leomon's. Fluffle's pajamas, maybe cats. "That pizza gave me a stomach ache..."
"It was made with over a hundred different kinds of dough cooked in a juryrigged-oven made from a hundred different kinds of ovens," Chrys said, groggy, holding the side of her head. She wore one of Dan's shirts because waifu. "It was like a Hot Pocket stuffed full of old carnival pretzels and bread crust."
"Captain America needs coffee," Captain America said, fixing coffee. He spoke in third-person when he needed coffee.
"If I may, Captain Rogers," Tuxley said, holding up his own cup, "A hot cup of tea can be just as invigorating and uplifting to the spirit."
"Peggy liked tea," Cap said. His mouth worked for a moment before he turned to the lizard and said, "No, thank you. Kinda used to coffee, but thanks."
Tuxley smiled, making sure to keep his upper lip stiff for a dinosaur. Only Reginald could tell his friend's distress.
"Chin up, sir. We'll reach the yanks eventually."
"I know," Tuxley said. "First Khan, now Captain America. Pour me another cup, Reginald. I must redouble my efforts." Wit and charm, the twin preferred weapons of the English, were maintained through perseverance. The English in Equestria were no exception, but any member of any species could simply become British, English, American or any number of cultures and nationalities for any variety of circumstances. Identity was more random and a matter of choice than a result of raising in Equestria, which is why Tuxley and Reginald were both Englishman despite being from the equivalent of Montana and the Crystal Empire respectively.
Khan didn't have anything to pack, but hadn't made an effort to find something he could've packed either. And he could've packed his Freakazoid pajamas, but he didn't. "I believe I'll some tea as well. Would you mind?" he asked, taking a seat with the other two.
Tux and Reginald both looked at him for a split moment, just long enough to consider all options. "Not at all, Mr. Khan." Reginald poured him a cup. Khan smiled and took a sip.
"Alright... after breakfast, tea, coffee, WHATEVER, all of you, I want you to pack to get ready to leave. We're leaving in ONE HOUR," Dan declared. Three hours and sixteen-minutes later, they finally departed the house. Gust Grasp positioned one of his ships directly over the library and flew down to greet them along with his command crew.
"Morning gang! Hey, Brozen brogurt with bru-" he was cut off by Dan throwing luggage out of the house. "Woah! You guys pack enough stuff?"
"Don't get me started, turkey melt," Dan said through gritted teeth. "I know you helped defend the town, but if you even THINK of stealing anything-"
Gust held up his claws. "Woah woah woah, cinnamon broll, I came here because you told me to and-"
"AND you're coming with us. I have an entire list of what I need done, and you and your chicken crew are gonna-"
"Hey, Caribbean jerk and chicken, can we get on the boat first before you go through this?" Phoenix asked. "Let's find out where we're going and then we can figure out what to insult each other with."
"Fine," Dan said. He lugged the luggage onto the Flutterbird.
"Yo, so you guys haven't told me where we're going yet," Gust said as Dan packed. "That's kinda important information. I mean, unless you're just gonna cruise for a couple weeks. But I need a course, man."
Dan finished packing, exhaled and then smiled at him calmly. "We'll get on the boat, then I'll tell you. Okay?"
"Kay." Gust flipped his shades down. "Alright, if that's everything, let's hit the sky!" The gang boarded the Flutterbird, somehow, along with all their luggage. To be fair, they are surprisingly spacious on the insides.
"WAIT!" Dan said. He hopped out and ran back to the house. A few moments later, he ran back. "Had to arm the security system. Very important part of ALL vacation plans," he said, grinning mischievously.
The Flutterbird aircraft flew up to the All of My Rage, second of the ring-shaped griffon carrier ships hanging low above Ponyville. Several of the griffons saluted Dan and the others as they disembarked, though mostly they were saluting Dan. Several even called him D-Boss or by name, the latter of which Dan actually appreciated.
On the bridge of the carrier, Dan and the gang looked over the holographic map of Equestria.
"So, where are we going, Dan? To the Eastern Easy Sea to search for Canterlantis or Rapture or whatever?" Twilight asked.
Dan shook his head. "Nope." He drew his hand to a point far to the south-east, the Carefreeibbean Sea. "Head us down here."
Gust grinned. "Cruising down south, eh? I can dig it. Helm, make your course south-by-southeast. Raise the altitude and the speed, ensign, we're going on vacation!" The massive sky-ship turned to face south and its engines roared. Within moments, Ponyville was behind them. The other two griffon carriers detached from Cloudsdale and headed west under secret instructions from Dan. With most of the Enclave among them, Ponyville, in its state of disrepair, now appeared completely defenseless.
Which was exactly how Dan wanted it.
Dan put his arms around Phoenix and Twilight. "Ahhh, ready for some overdue relaxation, guys?"
They both sighed. "Yes, actually. It does sound like a good idea."
"I'm still not sure why you're doing this so... spontaneously, Dan," Phoenix said. (Even though most of what you do is spontaneous.)
"Nicky, by now I think you know I have a plan for everything," Dan said, grinning.
"Now where have I heard that before?" Phoenix asked. But none of them answered. The ship flew through the clouds, heading south from Equestria. Before long, they saw their first signs of the Carefreeibbean Sea. Their vacation had begun. Little did they know, they were sailing into trouble... and mystery.
The sea was bluer than the sky as the All of My Rage chugged through the sky. For the griffon pirates, the word 'vacation' didn't have much meaning, considering they were on vacation almost all the time. But it did for everyone else, who were busy enjoying themselves. The moment word came up that Dan was planning a vacation on the griffon carrier, the griffons had taken it upon themselves to turn the vessel into a massive aerial cruise ship/casino. Card games, dice games and other assorted gambling activities were started on all decks accompanied by plenty of food and beverage. The griffons were intent on fleecing the ponies for what hard-earned bits they brought with them.
And this lasted about twenty minutes until Dan started playing cards, essentially changing the rules of poker, blackjack and even crazy-eights and war to his own advantage. Though attempts were made, no one was able to convince Dan about the rules of the game, and so he ended up with a lot of money. At Twilight and Chrys' urging, he returned it to the ponies who had lost it, resulting in very little net gains or losses among the passengers and crew.
Chrys, Twilight and the Blasties watched the humans play volleyball, drinks levitating near their muzzles. Fluffle Puff was enjoying being used as a ball. Raspberry noises were made every time she was served or returned, though whether that was Fluffle or her fluff, no one really knew.
"Higher! Get those arms up higher, Mr. Erica!"
"It's- it's Steve. Just, Steve is fine, Chrys."
"Okay, Stevie!" Chrys said, taking a loooooong sip on her beverage. "Ima need another drink. Is anyone else hot?"
"Ubbb... ubbllahh... errrrrg." The Blasties were both drooling over the sight of half-naked humans playing volleyball with the pirate griffons.
"I think they're about done," Twilight commented, stepping the stream of drool as it flowed by from the two sisters. The humans, Dan included, were playing feathers-vs-skins against Gus and his griffons. Four tall, intensely-muscled men stretched and hopped to keep Fluffle Puff in the air, skin and hair glistening with beaded sweat rolling over their sculpted bodies. Even Phoenix was tall and relatively chiseled and his hair retained its shape no matter how he moved. The mares watched in slow motion as the bipedal olympian-esque figures danced and jumped for their pleasure.
Although Chrys' eyes did notice the others, they were mostly fixated on the shirtless form of Dan. His slightly pudgy pale body moving and flowing in slow motion, making her heart beat faster with every flabby quiver. Sweat clumped his excess back hair together in a greasy mass of funk that she wanted to bury her face into. While waiting for his turn, he scratched in places that weren't appropriate even for pirates. While Chrys blushed, a couple griffons vomited.
The humans walked over to the bar underneath the ship's bridge deck. "Ahhh, good game, Gust. Good game."
"Yeah, if you call forty-four to nothing a good game. Gimme a drink, make it a double," the red griffon said, taking a stool.
"Ah, better luck next time, nuggets," Dan said, toweling himself off.
"Dan, we lost," Captain America said.
"Which is kind of hard to believe, considering half the other team spent half the time puking," Chris added, looking over to where their opponents were still vomiting.
"Hey! If you have to throw up, do it over the- okay, nevermind," Gust said, shaking his head. "Another thing to clean up." As he mentioned that, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder had dissolved into puddles and were slowly leaking off the side of the deck.
"We'll help you clean up the ship, Gust," Twilight said. "When we're done with our um, vacation, we can get the All of My Rage and the other two ships back to Cloudsdale and clean them from stem to stern. I'm sure the pegasi will help out."
"Yeah!" Rainbow Dash zipped up. "It's the least we can do since you guys helped us protect the kingdom. You're welcome around here any time, Gust."
"Oh uh, thanks," Gust said, rubbing his neck. "It's not really that big a deal, it's just... worried about my own home. Haven't seen it in a while... or my family." The majority of griffons lived in the north-western most corner of Equestria in an area called Verticia, a series of enormous stone pillars that rose right out of the sea and stretched up for miles. Verticia was also the name of the capital city of the griffons, an enormous hanging cage-like structure supported by the three largest pillars. Griffon cities often made use of vertical space. Gust was originally from Peaktown(or Peakton depending on dialect), a village on the outskirts near Griffonstone.
Twilight nodded. The ponies patted his wings sympathetically. "We're all going through that. We will find them, eventually."
"That's right, feathers," Dan said. "We'll find the rest of your chickens and get them all back in your toilet-buckets and you'll be good to go. Nobody messes with my turkey except me," he said, slapping him.
But Gust knew exactly what he was saying. "Thanks, Dan."
"Hey, Rainbow!"
"Nix!" The pegasus tackle-hugged the lawyer. The Blasties both magically levitated towards them and proceeded to glomp Phoenix and Rainbow.
(Ah, three of my favorite girls. Maya would love this.) "Rainbow! Where did you come from?"
She pulled off him for a moment. "Whaddaya mean?"
"Oh, uh, I didn't mean like you weren't welcome with us, I mean, uhh-"
"Well, what DID you mean?" Rainbow said, folding her hooves. Fusey and Powdy zero-animation slid next to her with identical character models, joining her in frank criticism of the lawyer's comment.
"I uh, umm, I didn't mean it like that. Wha-what I meant was, I didn't know what you were doing here now and..." he swallowed.
"I believe he's asking what you're doing away from Ponyville," Khan commented. The dark-haired augment wasn't even sweating. Shirtless, he really did look 'superior' as he slowly put back on a Freakazoid! t-shirt. The shirt hid absolutely none of his muscles, the cloth adhering to every curve of his sculpted form. Both Blasties swallowed and blushed hard.
"Bu... guh... urrr..."
"Oh. Well, Dan said it was a vacation for everypony, didn't he?" Rainbow asked.
"And everyone else as well," Fluttershy said. She was sitting on the deck, Angel Bunny in her hooves and surrounding her were most of her pets. The rest were below decks.
"Which reminds Trixie," Trixie said as she walked by, "That the Great and POWERFUL Trixiiiiiie! Will be performing along with Granny Smith, Big Macintosh and the band tonight in the cruise ship's auditorium! Be sure to arrive early to get the best seats to see TRIIIXXXIE!" She was followed by Snips, Snails, Blueblood and Berry Punch.
"So, wait a minute, EVERYONE is here?" Phoenix asked. He looked around. The ship was big, but he didn't think it was THAT big. Apparently, however, it was large enough to hold the majority of Ponyville and Cloudsdale's populations. At least, all the characters seen on screen, anyway.
"Scans indicate the current occupancy of Expunger-class vessel "All of My Rage" at nearly ten-thousand beings including four-thousand griffon crew and flight personnel. The ship is at seventy-eight percent capacity and can operate safely in excess of one-hundred-thirty-five percent capacity," Knight said, calculating out loud.
"Oh. Well, that's good to kno- wait, Knight?" Phoenix looked down. Rather than seeing the metal filly towering over him, he was surprised to see her as actual filly-sized. He knelt down to her. "Knight?! Is that really you?"
She nodded. "Affirmative. Greetings, Phoenix Wright. Joyful expression engaged."
"Ohh, wowwwww," Phoenix said, astonished. "How did you get so small?"
"Mini Gear mode allows compartmentalization and deployment of main operating functions into smaller chassis."
"HA! Like anyone can understand that techno-babble," Ace added. The other filly flew down on tiny, jet-assisted wings. "She means we're remote controlling these smaller units. Lightning Claw help us set it up. So now, we can be regular-size ponies, too!"
"That's amazing! Hey, Dan!"
Dan skidded over. "This is what now-OH! TINY MAGIC GEARS!" He grabbed Knight and picked her up. She was the same size as Sweetie Belle. "OH MAI GAWD IT'S ADORABLE!" He hugged her tight. "I have my own tiny killing machine! Finally!"
"Help."
"Can I... pick you up?" Phoenix asked lil Ace.
The mini gear's eyes slanted slyly. "Sure, big guy, if you think you can handle all of me."
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder stared wide-eyed at the humans holding tiny robot ponies. They both said, at the same time, "I want one."
Dan continued squeezing Knight tightly. "Ohh, this is the best thing ever! We're gonna make a FORTUNE selling these things!"
"That course of action is inadvisable."
"OHHH! Nicky!" Dan exclaimed. "Did you hear that? She has her own catchphrase!" He held her up in front of him, her tiny metal hooves tangling adorably. "Say it again!"
"That course of action is inadvisable."
"THIS IS THE BEST THING SINCE THE TANK! Hey! Have you guys seen the tank?" Dan said, still ecstatic. "I'm gonna go show you the tank. You'll love it."
"Help." Dan carried the metal filly in his arms below decks to the hangar where all of his stuff, most of which Knight had already seen and all of it she was aware, was being held.
Vol, the mother gear was also a smaller size now, though still a crab-like robot. She played with Fluffle Puff and the ice cream spider foodimal. It was as adorable as it was creepy, balancing the two.
"Purr... purr... purr," Ace said, in Phoenix's arms. It wasn't really purring- she was just saying purr repeatedly, but the sentiment was the same.
"Aww, good girl," Phoenix said as she nuzzled him. He pulled her off of him for a moment. "I have to ask, though... do you still have your weapons when you're this size? And the, uh, important weapon?"
She shook her head. "Not at the moment. But I got the internet." Her eyes changed to display the Magic Gear desktop screen. Phoenix was able to use one of her hooves as a mouse.
Phoenix was mesmerized. He was using a robot pony to internet. (Okay... maybe Dan was right. These things... err, girls, would be worth a fortune. Oh crap, are we inventing robot slavery? And we're done.)
He set her down. "So everyone is here on this vacation?" he asked. And the view answered his question- Flim and Flam were selling kites, the CMC were playing hopscotch with some griffons, Miss Cheerilee was leading a tour, Roseluck, Lyra and Bon-bon were sitting on a park bench, Noteworthy was reading a newspaper, Cranky and Matilda were playing checkers and Zecora and Daring Do were playing shuffleboard against Tuxley and Reginald. Even Aegis and the royal guards were nearby, with their families just enjoying themselves.
"Huh," Phoenix remarked. "I guess everyone is here." But it begged the question, which Phoenix then asked, "Who is really staying to watch Ponyville?"
"Someone very, very trustworthy," Dan said. "And someone whose vacation involves people not being at home."
"Okay. How trustworthy are they?"
"Very, very trustworthy."
"Uh huh," Phoenix nodded. "Well, I hope that's the case, considering they'll be the one in charge of the ion cannons. And the security system. And the Sword Spells."
Dan closed-eyes smile-nodded. "Of course, Nicky. There was only one name that came to mind for the job."
Back at Ponyville, Derpy sat at the controls to the treehouse's security system. On the console were several buttons, all of which had an angry picture of Dan's face on them. She pressed one of them that looked like Dan shouting at a mailbox. *Boop*
*BLAAM* Halfway across town, the Ponyville Post Office exploded again.
"Vacation!" Derpy exclaimed.
Resort: Dantastic Voyage- Lowlifes on the High Seas
Probably the rarest thing in Equestria occurred in the four days since the All of My Rage had departed Equestrian airspace. For the better part of a week, there weren't any major conflicts involving widespread destruction. For the better part of a week, there was relative peace. RELATIVE peace. Meaning they were actually able to enjoy their vacation, for the most part.
The griffon carrier was big. The size of Cloudsdale's core but shaped like a donut, the vessel had many decks and plenty of space. Trixie performed in the auditorium to a captivated audience instead of a captive one. Her show magic managed to impress the griffons, who decided smoke bombs might be useful for stealing things. There were shows, songs, games and even a raffle.
"Raffle? Hey, you think they accept-"
"No." Barro dragged Michael away from another potentially-expensive mystery.
But the favorite activity, or at least Dan's favorite activity was one that dominated the ship's elaborate transport section: go-kart racing. Near the center and running the circumference of the ship's ring-shaped body was a reinforced tube that connected the cargo and hangar bays with the other decks. This was the transport section. Utilizing a sophisticated system of pulleys, ropes and sleds, cargo and supplies were transferred throughout the ship allowing for quick and easy distribution of loot. Since they weren't looting at the moment, they cleared out this section and put wheels on the sleds, turning them into go-karts.
There weren't many clouds out at sea. There weren't very many clouds that were unorganized across Equestria; species like pegasi used them for various things. Large collections of water vapor were a resource like any other and careful management of them was natural for many airborne creatures. If hurricanes or other large storms cropped up, they were usually dealt with far before they ever came close to landfall.
For hours, the sky was empty as the All of My Rage churned through it, until they spotted something.
"Rays! Flock of rays off the starboard side!"
"Rays!"
"Attention passengers, if you'll look off your right side, you'll see a flock of rays coming in." Ponies and griffons all lined the starboard sections of the ship, anywhere they could get a good view. Some, especially the younger passengers, had never even seen a ray before. Near one of the starboard portholes, Dan held up Spike and the miniaturized Knight to get a better view.
"Thanks." "Thank you."
"Yeah just don't move around," Dan said. "What're we looking for again?"
"Sky rays," Twilight said. Next to her, Fluffle and Chrys were sharing a pair of fluffy binoculars. "Very peaceful creatures. They fly through the sky on giant rings streaming rays of light behind them. They're very pretty."
"There's one! There's one!" And just as Spike pointed and proclaimed, Dan turned around to see them appear. Flying manta rays, massive in size flew gracefully by them. About half a dozen larger ones led smaller rays, all of them covered in multi-colored, elegantly-patterned fluff. A few of them squawked as they soared by.
"They look like giant flying carpets," Dan remarked. "I think we... haven't we seen these before?"
"Flying magic carpets," Phoenix remarked. (Could that be a connection to the myth of magic carpets on Earth?) The lawyer watched as they glided by. It was nice to see something peaceful, at least, even if it provided another mystery. The lead ray had a giant mustache and a top hat, the others had similar attire.
"These are tropical sky rays," Twilight explained. "They're similar to the woolly rain rays, the smaller ones that visit Equestria sometimes."
"They are... pretty," Dan admitted. Sky rays were a rare sight in Equestria because they normally dwell in the upper atmosphere. Sea-fairing sky rays were more common because they liked to bathe and play in sea-forming storms and showers. As their name suggested, they were similar in appearance to manta rays from the oceans of Earth, only flying instead by trapping air in their special fluffy wings.
Some pony scholars theorized that the rays evolved special patterns and extra fluffy plushness in order to be snuggly towards dragons. This supported the notion that some species in Equestria developed adorable traits in order to be too cute and cuddly for predators to eat. Evolution as a theory was only half-accepted in Equestria because it was only half-true; some creatures evolved, like Pokemon, and others were accepted as having been created by the Fausticorn. Either way, dragons officially denounced the notion of cuddling with any creature, though some evidence, like the occasional piece of shed fluff on a dragon has led to some speculation that most dragons were too shy to admit it.
"Thpp-thpp! Thppp-thppp!" I wanna snuggle one! Dan, can we adopt one?
"Awww," Chrys said, "Does Fwuffle want to hug a ray?" Fluffle nodded and raspberried emphatically. "Dan, you think we can lure them to Ponyville for Fluffle?"
"Those things are gigantic! They'd block the shots of the ion cannons. Among other things," Dan said. "You think the pegasi want a bunch of flying shaggy rugs cluttering up Cloudsdale?"
"I dunno, Rainbow and the others seem fine with them," Twilight remarked. Dan and the others turned back to the portholes to see Rainbow Dash, Daring and Derpy playing with several of the smaller rays. Rainbow chased a group of them around one of the larger ones while Fluttershy brushed the mustache of the largest one. He appeared to enjoy it, and tipped his hat to the yellow pegasus.
Fluffle's hopping continued. "Dan, she really wants one."
"Thpp." Twelve.
"Fine," Dan conceded. "But she's going to clean up after them." He sighed, but smiled. "We spoil her sometimes, don't we?"
"Yes we do! Yes we do, don't we Fwuffle? Who's mommy's good girl?" Chrys grabbed her fluffy cheeks and squeezed them. She squeed in response. "It's just impossible to say no to her."
"We'll see about doing something with them AND the foodimals AFTER the vacation," Dan declared. "Speaking of food, who's hungry?"
Meals were served in the mess hall, which was converted into a dining hall when it became apparent a few like Dan and Blueblood weren't going to be satisfied with just the regular treatment. Griffon waiters dressed in hastily-made fancy suits served fancy dishes to the passengers. They were really the same meals they had back at Ponyville and Cloudsdale; they were a ship of war and had provisions from town, not a five-star restaurant. But they dressed things up immaculately and managed to impress many, including Dan. Dan was a person that appreciated detail, so dressing up something simple and adding the slightest flair to it was impressive in his book. Also, he was picky at times. Really picky.
Dan leaned back in his cushioned folding chair. "Ahh, now that's a good toasted hayburger. What were those little green things on the top bun?"
"Freeze-dried chives that somepony didn't want on a baked potato," Gust replied. Captain Clutch, his second-in-command was watching the bridge. "We scraped them off with a butter knife onto your hayburger. Because you wanted it "fancy-style."
"Ah, yes, indeed," Dan said, licking his fingers. "Quite delectable. Wouldn't you say, guys?"
"Eeyep!" from Twilight. "Thpp," from Fluffle, which meant needed more ham. "Yep," from a cheerful Chrys and "Yes. No objections here," from Phoenix Wright. (I wonder if I can get Maya to try hayburgers instead of regular burgers. Might save us some money.)
"See? The gang loved it. Our compliments to the chef," Dan said, hands behind his head.
"You're welcome," Gust said, deadpan, because he was wearing a chef's hat. He headed back to the kitchen. "At least you didn't want the chicken sandwich!"
"That's on the menu tomorrow!" Dan called back.
The dining hall wasn't just for dining. There was also some live music, courtesy of the Wynd Chymes, the trio of female pegasi vocalists that repatrioted from the Enclave. As the night went on, they even had some karaoke and finally Dan felt the call of the stage and got up and retold some of his favorite stories. It was a pattern that continued with every meal, which disturbed and discomforted almost everyone who heard them. Some of Dan's favorite stories include:
1. That I found out what was causing that rash. 2. That time I thought I killed someone(volumes 1-37, the number of times Dan thought he killed someone.) 3. The time I was kicked out of a satanic church. 4. The time I was kicked out of a monastery. 5. The time I was kicked out of a satanic monastery. 6. Actually, the last three were the same place. But it changes venues sometimes. They said it was 'seasonal.' 7. That time I impersonated the Emperor of China. 8. That time I was detained in Australia. 9. This one time I ate cajun boiled peanuts with the Wisdom Cube(or possibly the Wisdom Cube's cousin.) And 10., The time I was accused of assassination.
There were more, but he only got to ten- breakfast, lunch and dinner over the three days and then an extra one when they had desert. After the tenth one, they started bribing other acts to take the stage so Dan would have to stay seated.
"Why are all of your stories so violent?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Awww, isn't she cute?" Dan said, ruffling her mane.
"She is cute," Chrys agreed.
"That doesn't answer my question..."
"She looks just like a filly version of Knight," Dan remarked. Knight, who was right next to her, looked identical to Sweetie Belle except was chrome-plated.
"Sweetie Belle was the basis of my original design."
Sweetie gasped. "Ohmaigawsh! Does that mean... we're sisters?!"
"I am an artificial defense construct built in your likeness and programmed with data taken from recordings of you and your friends in order to better learn and engage in social behavior and interactions."
"I have no idea what you said but I'll take that as a yes!" Sweetie grabbed Knight and hugged her tight, grinning hugely and throwing her head back as she did so.
"Yay." Knight was happy with some breaches in logic, especially when they involved hugs and cupcakes. She hugged back tight.
Something cracked in Sweetie's back. "HHEEEENNG! Too... tight..."
"Sorry."
The vacation continued. They visited a few islands, some of which were sparsely populated by ponies but few had seen any sign of the sea ponies. Many were on vacations themselves. Coastal and island communities weren't affected by much of the war because of their isolation, but they did know the princesses were missing. Coconuts and tropical and citrus fruits were their main contribution to Ponyville and greater Equestria during this trying time, and Twilight made sure these smaller communities knew they were appreciated. Dan was mad at them, accusing most of them of being beach bums while the rest of them fought a war, but they made him a pie and created a sand sculpture of him saving Equestria with a shovel so he forgave them.
After heading south, the All of My Rage turned west and headed off the coast of the badlands. They had to pass over the land briefly, but got back to cruising speed once they reached the beginning of the Easy Sea.
It was no secret that Dan was using the vacation as an excuse to find out more about the sea ponies. But after a week of cruising, they had found no sign of the sea ponies. The Easy Sea was the Equestrian version of the Pacific and stretched out just as far. For all of them, it was mostly uncharted territory.
"The Gallop-And-Go Islands are near here," Twilight said, pointing at the map. "That's as far west as anypony has ever traveled. That I know of, anyway."
"It's as far as most griffons have traveled, too," Gust said, leaning casually on the bridge's bulkhead. "Almost nobody comes out here, so there's not much to steal," he grinned.
"Really now," Chrys raised an eyebrow. "I'd have thought a dashing pirate like you would've had some kind of buried treasure out here."
"Yeah, that whole 'buried treasure' concept is fictional, bug ladybro. Pirates don't bury treasure; we keep it," Gust explained. "Sometimes, we sleep with it. Sometimes, we try swimming with it. But we don't sail out to the middle of nowhere to bury it. If there's trouble, we just sail as far away from it as we can. Or we leave it with a friend. But we don't bury it."
"So all these treasure maps you have with X's that mark the spot don't really mean anything?" Phoenix asked, carrying a bunch of rolled-up scrolls.
"PUT THOSE BACK! THOSE ARE MINE! IT'S ALL MINE!" He lunged at Phoenix and the pair collapsed in a pile of treasure maps. Pirate's life.
"Most of those maps are of the Caring Sea, anyway," Twilight remarked.
"Hmmm. Hmmm!" Dan rubbed his chin, contemplative as he looked at the map. "Can we... get closer to the surface of the water?"
"Sure we can," Clutch said. She sauntered around to the helm. "How low you wanna go?"
"Put us on the water. Can we do that?"
"Not a problem," she said, adjusting the controls. "We'll be a bit faster on the water, too, because we can put more power into the engines."
Clutch was a pink griffon and about three times curvier than the average griffon, a quality that none of the male griffons hadn't appreciated and that none of the female griffons hadn't envied. Naval missions were long times away from home and she understood her role very well, having signed up for it. She was also very good at what she did and was particularly cunning and bloodthirsty, not shy about getting her talons dirty when she needed to. The other griffons weren't unattractive themselves, especially Becky and Chelsea when they weren't fighting, but it was Clutch's capability as an officer that had seen her promoted rather than her feminine qualities.
"Take us to the surface, Captain Crunch."
"It's Clutch."
"And get me Vinyl and Octavia up here," Dan said, grinning. "I have an idea about how we can chart some of this uncharted territory."
"Great, I'll call Sully and Nathan Drake," Redfield said.
The bow of the All of My Rage delicately touched the surface of the water and began plowing through the waves. It descended gracefully, landing on the waves like an inner tube hitting a giant wavepool. Waves lapped up against the ship's hull but not a drop penetrated. The airship was air-tight, water-tight and marine-ready.
"Ahh, nothing like the open sea," Dan said, triumphantly. "Is there anything so majestic as the ocean blue, like a... big, wet sloshy thing that's always there. So big and wet. Taunting and tantalizing men and their awesome, hot black girlfriends with its deepness... and wetness."
"That was slightly inspiring, Dan," Phoenix said, nodding. "Mostly disturbing, but slightly inspiring."
Dan looked around. "So what's keeping the musical mare duo?"
The Blasties adorably burst through the door to the bridge at the same time. "Guys!"
"We have another problem."
"That's it!" Dan ripped a handlebar off the bulkhead and brandished it like a bat. "Where's Blueblood? He's going overboard, right now."
"That's not the- why would you assume Blueblood is the problem?" Powdy asked.
Dan immediately spun around with the handlebar and tried to whack Gust. He would have done just that, if Twilight hadn't levitated the bar away from him.
"Dan, no."
"Sorry, sorry," Dan said, waving his hands defensively, "I forgot we're doing this whole 'character development thing' and I can't react to things with immediate violence. Usually, I react to things with immediate violence. But not now, because character development."
"Of course, calling a simple behavioral adjustment "character development" is kind of poor usage of the term," Twilight said. "But I'm happy for foal steps."
"So who is the problem?"
"There's not-" Powdy shook her head again. "You STILL think it's a person?"
"A person and/or horse slash bird-lion thing that I can punch," Dan corrected.
The Blasties face-hooved adorably. They're adorable OCs, so that fact must be stated for when this gets animated. They're cute, so imagine a regular mare and double the cuteness. You're imagining that now, aren't you? I know, right? It's that cute. "Just follow us."
"And follow closely, Phoenix."
"Wo-ooah!" They grabbed the lawyer and tugged him off the bridge. Dan shrugged and with the others, followed the pair.
The ship's medical deck was directly underneath the bridge and connected to the inner ring. For medical emergencies, the area could receive large parties quickly through the access way built into the inside ring's hull. The medical deck itself was a series of long corridor compartments all painted white to signify this was the hospital section. Beds lined the walls, all of them bunks to maximize availability with medical equipment and diagnostics stations built in-between them.
The All of My Rage's medical deck was state-of-the-art, having been constructed in Ponyville. Its originator and sister, the All of My Yes originally had a lot less medical equipment because of the piratey nature of its crew. The Rage had more beds, equipment and space than the original griffon carrier, which was good because a lot of it was being used.
"Oh, this is bad," Chrys said.
"Seasick," Blast Fuse explained. The twins led the group down the corridor passing bed after bed occupied by a seasick pony.
"We should have anticipated this," Twilight stated, a concern expression as she regarded each pone. "Ponies don't usually travel by sea."
"We've been on the sea for five minutes!" Dan exclaimed. "Less than that, even! They didn't have a problem the last few days we've been OVER the ocean! What's the big deal, now?"
"I have to admit, this does seem oddly-timed," Phoenix said. "Or... this could be food poisoning. That's the only thing I can think of that could account for all these illnesses happening simultaneously."
Chrys swallowed. "And we've all been eating the same food..."
"Airline food at sea... euuueggh," Dan winced. "Okay, I admit, that is disgusting." They followed the Blasties back to the end of the hall. Vinyl rubbed the back of a green-faced Octavia. She hurled into a bucket as the group approached.
"Oh, uh, hey guys," Vinyl said. "Sorry I didn't come earlier. Had to get Tavi up here as quick as I could."
"And for that, I am very... gluuuugh... thankful," Octavia said. Fluffle Puff was in a white doctor's outfit complete with stethoscope, staring absent-mindedly at them as they approached.
Knight and Ace were dressed as tiny filly nurses, mostly because they were the only ones aboard with any medical knowledge. The fact that they were both connected to the internet really helped. The doctors, nurses and medical staff from Ponyville were at Canterlot having a golf vacation, probably because they expected something like this happening.
"Hey Vinyl," the entire group said in unison.
"So, what's the prognosis, doc?" Dan asked.
"Thppppp."
"That bad, huh?" Dan said. He shook his head grimly. "How long does she have?"
"Thppp-thppp."
He pinched his brow. "If only we had more time... when will they learn? WHEN WILL THEY LEARN?!"
Knight looked over at the group. "The patient is suffering from mild intestinal discomfort brought about from consumption of under-prepared food. Recommend increasing galley staff by twenty-percent to avoid repeat incidents. Patient's discomfort should subside shortly; she is free to leave."
"Ohh, thank goodness!" Dan grabbed Fluffle and hugged her tight, as did Chrys. "Doctor, you're a miracle worker!"
"Thpp-thpptth-thpp," Fluffle said, adjusting her coat. I'm just doing my job. Horse M.D logo.
"Huh, so it was the food," Phoenix said. He looked happier than normal, chuckling a bit at the thought. And his friends noticed.
"Are you okay, Phoenix?" Twilight asked.
"I'm fine. More than fine, actually. I'm just happy one of these mysteries actually was simple to solve for once, haha," he said, his arm behind his head again.
"You going to be okay here, Tavi?" Vinyl asked. Her constant companion nodded, laying back down.
"Just let me rest a bit, Vinyl. I'll be right as rain shortly. Keep the bucket close."
"'Kay, then," Vinyl said, hopping off the bed. "So what'd you dudes need? Everypony tired of Dan being the entertainment director?"
"Yes, but that's not why we're here," Chrys said, stepping forward. "Miss Scratch, we require your DJ expertise. And your Bass Cannon."
Vinyl folded her hooves and raised an eyebrow. "And what makes you think I brought Bassy along with me?"
"Because you're you," Dan said. "Also, Bassy? That's the dumbest name for a Bass Cannon I've ever heard."
"Alright, you got me," she said. "Whaddaya need my Bass Cannon for?"
Dan smiled. "We're going to hook it up to Tanky, my tank and we're gonna drop the bass all over the sea floor! Use it like a sonar-pulse thingy to map the ocean and find out where the sea ponies are!"
Vinyl tapped her chin. "That... plan... is... brilliant! I love it!"
"NO!" Octavia shot up. "Vinyl, you mustn't! You know... you know what happened with the-!"
"Relax, Tavi, I got this," she said, sure of herself. "Alright, guys, let's go turn the seafloor into a dance floor! If they can teach a shrimp to run, I bet I can get clams to dance!" The Adorable Blasties adorably snickered at that comment, adorably.
Resort: Dantastic Voyage- The Burial At Sea DLC Was Crap Anyway
Magic has made Equestria both prison and paradise. It liberates and enslaves, it builds ponies up and breaks them back down, it pushes us all forward and drives us back, it makes our wildest dreams a reality and gives life to our darkest nightmares, it binds the whole world together and at the same time threatens to tear it apart. It is a living contradiction, a moving entity that connects us all. We can use it, we can ignore it, but it is always there, watching. Always watching.
Magic has a will of its own. It has goals, it has motivations, it has desires. Yet without us, it can do nothing. I understand now... magic is a child. It needs a friend. A teacher.
But it has neither. Only a Director.
Dan finished hastily connecting the cables. He examined each one from the tank's engine connected to the tank's turret connected to the Bass Cannon to the Lightning Claw connected to the tank's engine connected to the tank's turret connected to the-
"Dan? Are you done yet?"
"Almost." -to the Bass Cannon. "Okay, we're good."
On the bow of the All of My Rage, the tank was aimed at the sea just in front of the ship. The parking brake was locked and a landing net had been deployed to catch the tank in the event the recoil likely blasted it backwards. Most of the ship's crew and passengers had gathered around to watch Dan work; he really was a spectacle to many once he got going. Flim and Flam sold tickets to "the show" until Dan threatened to throw them overboard and then actually threw them overboard. Trixie tried to convince the brothers to sell tickets to her show, but they declined stating their desire to keep the Flim Flam Bros. Brand "pure." Whatever that means.
Atop the tank's turret, Dan turned to the crowd. "Alright, does everybody know what we're doing?"
"No," said everybody.
"We're using Vinyl's Bass Cannon to sonar-ically map the seafloor to find the sea ponies. Wherever the heck they are."
Vinyl, who was at her mobile turntables in preparation of hoof 'n roof-raising, raised her hoof. "I have a question!"
"Yes?"
She pointed at the tank. "This won't put Vinyl's Bass Cannon in any danger, will it? Because those things aren't cheap."
Dan shook his head. "Not at all, it'll be- wait, why did you call yourself Vinyl?"
"Shhhh, I'm DJ Pon-3 right now," she whispered. And then she raised her voice loud enough for the crowd to hear, "Uhh, I'm great friends with Vinyl. She and Tavi are so awesome and their store is great and the roof totally doesn't leak. I love those two!"
"But.. everyone already KNOWS you're Vinyl Scratch. You're not even wearing a disguise or-"
"Shhhhh!" She shushed him, waving her hooves downward. "I'm in character, dude!"
"You're an idiot! You don't NEED to be in character to play an idiot!"
"Awww," she bashfully shrugged, "Thanks, Dan."
"THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT!"
"Hey Dan? Are we going to do this today? Or am I just going to hang around here from now on?" Lightning asked, duct taped to the tank.
"Fine. Fine, we're doing this. Blasties, ready?"
"Ready!" "Ready."
Dan aimed the tank's turret. "On three... two... one... FIRE BASS CANNON!"
*Boom* The tank exploded. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" And Dan was sent flying off the side of the ship. Flipping end over end like a ragdoll, he came down off the starboard side, hitting the waves.
"Dan!" "Dan!" "Dan!" "Thppth!" Dan! Twilight, Chrys, Phoenix and Fluffle rushed to the starboard side. For a moment, they were concerned for Dan's safety.
"Oh, wait... he's fine," Phoenix said. He pointed to a disturbance in the waves. "Those angry bubbles near the surface are Dan's. He's okay."
The angry bubbles burbled their way back to the ship where Dan emerged and climbed his soggy self back up to the top deck. The All of My Rage was covered in special netting and had plenty of ropes hanging off the side for looting purposes. Literally every part of the ship was designed for the purpose of carrying either valuable stolen crap or just regular garden-variety stolen crap. Griffons didn't need a reason to steal things, they just needed space to store it, and they had space.
Dan dripped back to where the tank was. "No. No. No," he said, stomping his way over. He finally broke into a run yelling, "NO. NO. NO. NONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MYYY TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNK!" A blackened Lightning Claw sat in the center of a scorched circle on the deck. The alicorn's horn broke off again.
"Noo... NOOO! MY HORN!" he cried, cradling his horn. "Why? Why would you do something so recklessly stupid?!"
"Do you even KNOW how many times recklessly stupid has worked for us?!?!" Dan broke down to his knees, grasping at the ash pile that was the remains of the tank's chassis.
Twilight walked over. "It's okay, boys. We'll fix your horn, Lightning and we'll fix the..."
"TANKY!"
"Yeah, we'll fix the tank," Twilight said. "Blasties? Where are the girls?"
"DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!" The Blast Twins chanted over by a scrap pile that was the tank's turret. Dan picked both of them up.
"Oh, we'll do it again, alright."
"Yaaayyyy!" And he tossed them in the ocean. "Wheeeeee!" Which they enjoyed.
That afternoon was spent repairing both the tank and Vinyl's Bass Cannon. It was quickly discovered that the tank, in its ashen obliterated state, could not be repaired with regular tools. Dan forced the entire crew to spend the next three hours following the discovery repairing the tank, which was ultimately unsuccessful despite several unhelpful ideas from Blast Fuse and Blast Powder. A short funeral service was held for the tank.
Gust approached a makeshift podium. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of Raptor Jesus," he said, gesturing to Tuxley who just shook his head in distaste, "to join together these two in the bonds of holy matrimony." As he was talking, an overly-excited Chrys slid zero-animation slid into view.
"Uh, Gust, no, we're doing a funeral."
"If anyone sees any reason that these- wait, what? Oh. Errrm," he cleared his throat. "Tanky was a great tank and a true friend to... are we really having a funeral for the tank?"
Phoenix looked around. "Uh... no one's here." The black-dressed crowd from the previous scene, which had gone unmentioned until now, had departed just as quickly as they had assembled. Meaning instantaneously. Phoenix turned back around to see that Gust was also gone. "I see, then. If I stay here and talk to myself then, the joke is on me." (Drat.) The lawyer left.
The next day, Dan was eager to forget the previous day. The Bass Cannon, fortunately, had been fixed and this time Dan mounted it on something that wouldn't matter at all if it exploded: the ship.
"Does anyone else see a pattern here?!" Phoenix asked.
"Yeah, Broseidon, king of the Brocean Depths, this is a mundo-bad idea," Gust said.
"Alright, fine," Dan said angrily. "Vinyl!"
"Dude! I'm still in character!"
"SHUT UP! Get over here, hook your doohickey up right on something that... will not self-destruct," Dan instructed. "Lightning Claw will boost power of said Bass Cannon."
Twilight, Chrys, Knight and Ace, the smart ones, nodded simultaneously. "You see? That sounds like a more responsible course of action."
"DJ Pon-3's experience increases probability of success by a base of fifty percent."
Dan nodded, joining the four brainy girls on the deck. It was difficult for him to take a backseat, but he did so. "I... need to work on the whole 'responsible courses of action' thing. Plans, I'm good at. Making split-decisions not involving rage, working on it."
Phoenix nodded, patting Dan on the back. "Maybe the tank-"
"Her name was Tanky."
"Maybe... what happened with Tanky will serve as a reminder. And in her... memory, we-"
Dan slammed his fist into his palm. "WE'LL DEDICATE ALL GOOD DECISIONS FROM NOW ON TO TANKY! Nicky, that's a brilliant idea! The next golden statue in town is dedicated to Tanky."
"I'm sure the Mayor will be in love with that idea," Phoenix said.
It only took a few minutes for the Blasties, DJ Pon-3 and Lightning to finish hooking up the repaired Bass Cannon to one of the ship's deck guns.
"Hooray," everybody cheered as enthusiastically as could be expected.
"On three... two... one..."
The hatch to the lower decks burst open. Octavia reached a hoof out to Vinyl and the others and at the top of her lungs shouted, "VINYL! WAIT!"
"FIRE!!"
BRZZZZOOOOWWWWWWWMMM!!! A giant beam launched from the barrel of the deck gun and pierced the waves. It tunneled deep to the ocean depths until finally the magical sonic beam exploded on the seafloor in a massive wave of pure pony dubstep. Remember when that was a thing? No? Well, the ocean was hearing it for the first time. It was kind of divided on it as well.
The ship shook, but nothing exploded. The Bass Deck Gun Cannon vibrated, seeming to shimmer before their eyes. On the bridge, the mapping equipment was able to receive the sonar data and build a map using it.
"Guys! It worked!" Captain Clasp announced from the intercom. "We're getting in a huge swath of the seafloor with plenty of details! Gust, we could map the whole ocean with this!"
"Ahh, yes!" Gust said.
Twilight, Chrys and the others applauded. Dan clapped lighter than the others, but was supportive. "Good job, guys. MY plan worked out amazingly, as always."
Everyone was happy the plan had worked. Everyone except Octavia, who was galloping across the deck to the rest of them.
"Vi...nyl..." she said, panting. "Vinyl, you forgot that-"
"Tavi, SHHHH!" she shushed her. "I'm in character, remember? Seriously, how many times have I told ya about this?"
"SHUT. UP. YOU. IDIOT!" Octavia growled. "You are ALL IDIOTS!!" she said, sweeping her limbs to accuse all of them.
Dan sauntered over to her. "I think the sea has gotten to you, young lady. You're still obviously seasick, so you need some more bed rest and-"
"YOU!" She placed her hoof over his mouth. "You are the biggest idiot of them all! Or... maybe not. You're all fools!"
Octavia turned around. "You're fools... you all forgot!"
"What did we forget?" Chrys asked.
She pointed at the Bass Cannon. "Remember what that thing does to nearby structures... when they're not acoustically protected from it?!?!"
"Oh... uh oh," Vinyl said, taking off her glasses to reveal her red eyes. "Yeah, I kinda completely forgot about that."
"Yeah... we spent weeks renovating the library after that," Chrys said, remembering.
"That's why you're... well, you know what you are," Octavia said, falling back onto a conveniently-placed Fluffle.
"That was waaaaaaayyy back in Episode 3, though!" Chrys protested. "Who even remembers Episode 3?"
In the back row, Michael raised his hoof. "I remember-"
Barro grabbed his friend's hoof and pulled it back down. "Shut up, Michael."
"I bet Pepperidge Farm remem-"
"SHUT UP, MICHAEL!" They all yelled at him.
"It does, though," Michael said.
Flim and Flam walked over to him. "Excuse me, sonny, would you like to buy some raffle tickets?"
But Dan was mysteriously silent. "Actually, I did remember," he said, beaming with hands on his hips. "Yes, yes, my people fear not, your valiant leader made sure to acoustically protect the ship when it was under construction in Ponyville."
"Ohhh, awesome!"
"Dan, that's excellent!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Way to go, Dan!"
"That's my boyfriend!" Chrys said, wrapping her legs around him.
Dan nodded. "Eeyep. I specifically outlined the designs of the new carriers to incorporate specialized paneling that could absorb Vinyl's Bass Cannon blasts, in the event that Vice Grip pirated the design off the internet. Pretty good for thinking ahead, huh?"
"Absolutely!"
"Our Dan always has a plan," Phoenix said.
Everyone was about to lift Dan in the air to cheer his victory. Unfortunately, that was when the alarm klaxons started blaring. Everyone peeled off of Dan in mid-celebration hug.
"Dan..."
"What? I'm telling the truth! I designed these ships specifically to be acoustically protected!" Dan said, looking around.
"Umm..." Gust raised a claw. And everyone turned to him.
"You're about to be one dead duck, motherclucker," Dan said
"Hey! It's not my fault!" Gust said, hovering up defensively. "We got the panels you suggested and put them in all over the ship! I even installed a few myself! Honest!"
Dan's teeth were gritted and his fists were balled. "Then what is the problem?! WHY ARE THERE ALARMS BLARING, CHICKEN MAN?!"
Gust swallowed. "Some of the panels were damaged in the attack and we kinda went on this vacation before we could replace them at Pone Depot. So we pulled some from the unimportant sections of the ship. And there weren't that many, so there's only one section that went unprotected!"
"And which section is that birdbrain?!?!"
Gust winced. "Th-the engineering section." Explosions reverberated through the deck of the ship. The alarms grew louder and more panicked.
"I take it back," Octavia said. She poked Gust's chest. "YOU are the biggest idiot on this boat."
"The engineering section is powering the whole ship! NOTHING WORKS WITHOUT IT!" Dan yelled. "What in your tiny, pathetic mind told you it would be okay to leave THAT section of the ship unprotected?!?!"
Eyes closed, sweating, Gust swallowed one more time. "We... we can't store any loot in that section!"
The horizon began to dip as the ship started to take on water. The deck turned from a flat plane to a disturbingly uncomfortable lean. As the others awkwardly tried to keep their balance, concern quickly growing in their stomachs, Dan blandly stared back at Gust, eyes half-open. "Well, nuggets, you won't have to worry about going down with the ship."
"Uhh, wh-why?"
"Because I'm just gonna kill you right now. Save you the trouble."
The All of My Rage was primarily an airship, not a sea ship. Although it could traverse the waves, it still mostly relied on a system of ballasts to make it buoyant. As such, it was less prepared than a sailing ship for the tons of water flowing into its mostly-hollow hull. For once, the griffons' design of carry capacity over all was working against them as the ship took on water faster than the griffons hauled in loot.
At the same time, the carrier was being watched by a large fish-like submersible shaped like a Magikarp. Jessie, James and Meowth peddled as fast as they could to keep up with it. And to keep from sinking.
"Is that... the twerps?" James asked, panting.
Jessie glared through the periscope just as her Arbok and Seviper used Glare. "They definitely look twerpy."
Through his strains, Meowth looked over his two fellow cohorts' shoulders. What he saw Jessie looking at, however, was not the twerps on a Lapras, some other Pokemon or a boat or ferry. "Dat ain't the twerps!"
"It looks like... some kind... of... hovercraft," James said.
Jessie squinted. "I think it looks more like a donut."
"A jelly-filled donut?" both the males asked.
Jessie shook her head, more at herself for putting up with them, and looked back at the scope display. There were winged creatures fluttering about the donut-vessel in some sort of panic, and they didn't appear to be acting like Pokemon. No, it couldn't be the twerps Ash, Misty and Brock. After losing track of them in the Orre region, the Team Rocket trio had been searching for any possible lead.
"No, it's not them... drat." The announcement was followed by simultaneous groans from behind her. "Prepare to adjust course!" Adjusting course in the cramped confines of the Magikarp-sub involved leaning in unison to port or starboard, more like a bicycle than a submersible.
The sub pitched in the waves, more carried by them than propelling itself. Like a real Magikarp, the sub was almost completely useless, though somehow managed to work for Team Rocket. Hooray for idiot logic. As the sub bobbed in a helpless comical fashion, the periscope panned over and an island came into view. And the moment Jessie saw it, she was stunned.
"Oh... oh-ho! James, I think we may have twerps!"
"At... last... calves... burning..."
Through the periscope, Jessie saw an absolutely massive island. Tall mountains stretched up to pierce the clouds, verdant green forests filled the countryside and rolling green hills were parted by beautiful, serene, crystal-clear rivers. Striding amidst this gorgeous landscape was LadyLeomon atop her incredible (insert name here). With a cluster of Poke'Balls at her belt and a powerful scepter that could clear the view for miles(developed by Silph Co.), she was able to search for Pokemon and protect the Kingdom of Engalos(near Kalos) from the nefarious Team Sunder(radical criminal organization seeking to destroy the kingdom for some stupid reason).
When Jessie saw the sight of the lady atop (insert name here), she froze a bit and stopped pedaling. "Um... I was wrong. Let's keep going."
"We're not going to stop at that island?" James asked, disheartened. "Not even to... rest our legs?"
"Or eat lunch?"
"No," Jessie grunted, "Not even we could take... that much wish fulfillment. Speaking of which, onward! To the twerps and to Pikachu!"
"Uuuugggghhh," James and Meowth groaned. They resumed pedaling and the sub continued bobbing aimlessly in the waves.
Back on the donut-errr, the All of My Rage, more crap was happening.
"Ahhhhh!
"HAAAAAAAAA!"
*BRAAM!* Dan lunged for Gust's neck but missed when an explosion shook the ship. Smoke was billowing out of portholes on the inner ring, a lot more black, acrid smoke was blowing out of the transit bay under the bridge. The smoke from the bay was so thick it was obscuring the bridge itself. The entire carrier was leaning to the starboard side, more of the ship submerged than was ever designed to be at this point.
Chrys grabbed her boyfriend and her bird friend. "Boys, stop. Enough."
"The ship is sinking! This isn't the time to be strangling your chicken, Dan!" Twilight looked around, hearing the snickering and then realized what she had said. "Oh, shuddup! You know what I mean."
Blast Fuse slid by somehow. "I don't know what anything means."
"Ha. Dan doesn't have to worry about that when I'm around," Chrys remarked, grinning. The camera remained on her for several long seconds before she turned to it and asked, "The squee are you people staring at? You wanted it, you got it. Moving on."
"Fine. How do we save the boat?" Dan asked.
"Uhh, I'm not sure we can," Gust said, looking more worried than when Gust was after him. He and most of the other winged members had already instinctively taken flight.
"This is a carrier! BIG ship! There HAS to be a way to stop it from sinking! To fix it, to patch it up, to..." and even as Dan was talking, everyone was running for the lifeboats. That was when they made the next stunning revelation.
"Gust! Where are the lifeboats?!"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
Dan grabbed Gust by the neck and did what he does best. "If you say there aren't any lifeboats, YOU are going to be the lifeboat. And I don't even know how that's going to work but oh boy, it'll be FUN finding out. For me. For you, no."
"The Magic Gears are malfunctioning," Marksaline said. Although, her voice was a lot more musical than it had been before and despite the angle of the deck, she appeared to be dancing. Swaying to some kind of inaudible tune.
"What?!" Twilight said, turning back to her.
"*Ksssssssssssssshhhhh*-and I told you man, this is the last time. THE last time."
"You're a Gator fan with the guts to call and your evidence is that you're calling. We've established this."
"But that's ALL you said at the-"
"Uhh, testing, 1, 2, 3, Giovanni? Is that you? We've taken over the Radio Tower, boss! We're back! We did it!"
"What's wrong with them?!" Twilight asked. The two Mini Gears were on their backs, sputtering garbled nonsense of some sort.
Lightning Claw swooped down at that moment. "The Magic Gears are weak against the noise from the Bass Cannon. It messes with their software, hardware, everything."
"NOOOO! MY BABIES!" Dan grabbed Knight and held her and shook her. "Knight! Speak to me!"
"The views expressed in the following program do not in any way reflect those held by the producers. Viewer discretion is advised."
"AAARRRGH NOO!" Dan yelled, setting her down.
"We'll get her fixed AFTER we get the ship fixed!" Twilight said. She took a deep breath to calm herself down and then did the thing she was certain would calm everyone else down. "Okay... does anyone know how to stop a ship from sinking?" A second later, the screaming started.
The purple princesses' head dipped low and she sighed. Then, Blast Fuse and Blast Powder appeared next to her to comfort her and make the situation worse.
"You're the smartest one of us, Twily," Fusey said, patting her shoulder. "Everyone here knows that. And the last thing anyone will think about is how you failed and we all died. But at least you tried."
Springer watched them all. How had this group managed to defeat her in the first place? "Uh, you people do realize we have the Flutterbirds, right? And most of us on this ship have wings."
"That's not even an exaggeration. Most of us have wings. The majority. Yeah," Spinner added.
"And we're are we, pttth, sorry," Dan flubbed a line, "Where are we going to go, ex-nazi? You see any islands around here?"
Spinner looked back over the ship's aft section. A trio of Legendary Bird Pokemon were circling what looked to be a very awesome island. "None that aren't beyond the fourth wall."
A hatch on the ship opened. Cap and Redfield climbed through to the deck along with Khan. All were covered in black grime.
Cap coughed up smoke before he spoke. "Bluuffgh, uugh, okay, we were just in the engineering section. It's underwater."
"Fantastic."
"More bad news, the Flutterbirds got wrecked by the Bass Cannon," Cap said. He shook his head, "Not salvageable."
The ship was sinking faster now. Dan looked around frantically. "F-Fluttershy! Fluttershy!"
"Yes?"
"Fluttershy! Use your whistling to... to rustle us up some sea creatures! Twilight!" Dan spun to Twilight, "Summon whales to save us! Someone! Do something!"
"Dan."
"No," Dan dismissed the chicken.
"Dan, please. I messed up but I can fix this. I CAN fix this. Believe me," Gust said, sounding confident.
"NO!" Dan yelled.
"Dan, c'mon babe," Chrys pulled his folded arms. "Give him another chance."
"No, Chrys, he sunk the boat."
"But we forgive people now! Second chances... remember?" She looked up at him with big, cute, twinkling eyes. Fluffle Puff joined in, even the foodimals did. They all pressed their hooves and assorted limbs together in a pleading way, begging Dan.
Unflinching, Dan's upper lip was stuck in a show of disdain. "No. You don't give someone a SECOND chance the SECOND AFTER they screwed up in the FIRST place!"
"Plleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaseee?" They asked him in a chorus of adorableness.
Just as the water started reaching Dan's shoes, he dropped his arms. "Fine."
"Okay. Thank you," Gust said. "Now, hang on."
"Alright but what're we--AAAAGGH!" The griffons, led by Gust, used the ship's netting and other loot-catching conveyance to lift up the ground-bound passengers. Dan and company, along with all the other wingless individuals were carried into the air via nets. They were taken to the sky, but not too high. Just enough to avoid the waves.
"Well, this isn't comfortable," Dan said, hanging, limbs dangling out of the net. "But it's better than drowning. Thank you... Gust."
"You're welcome, Dan!"
Twilight and Chrys, being needed to carry the net, were next to Gust. "This is... heavy..."
"I know of an island nearby. It's not inhabited, but we'll be safe there," Gust said.
"OH goodness... c'mon, wings," Twilight said to herself. She was a better flier now, but carrying things while flying was a step she still hadn't quite made. She needed work on that, but she was determined to keep improving. For herself and her friends.
"I have to ask, Gust, are we... carrying anything unnecessary?" Chrys asked.
He shook his head. "No, we're not," he added, his voice serious. Probably one of the first times he'd ever been serious. "Just the passengers and whatever other food and supplies we could carry."
"No loot?" Phoenix asked.
He shook his head again. "No loot. Except for... friends." And that was a profound enough statement to surprise them all. As his ship sank behind him, it would seem the pirate had discovered something more valuable to him than treasure.
They reached the island as the sun began to set. It was big and there were plenty of trees. They were all too tired to make any other observations. Somewhere far behind them, the All of My Rage sank, the air ballasts finally rupturing to plunge the ship beneath the waves like a deflated inner tube. Because it pretty much was a giant inner tube.
Dan and the others made a makeshift camp. As soon as it was completed, Dan collapsed on Fluffle Puff and fell asleep with Chrys. Lightning Claw and Daring Do made a fire. The small camp was now slightly more comfortable than the Fyre Festival. Look it up.
"Gust, I... well, I know that had to be hard on you," Twilight said.
"No," he shook his head again. "It wasn't." His eyes were on his crew mates, his passengers, his... friends. All of them, marooned now. Just as the last one nodded off, he grinned. "Besides, there'll be other opportunities for treasure. Speaking of which, Clutch!"
The pink griffon flew down to join him. She was carrying a map. "Got it right here, sir."
"Great, great. And the sonar data?"
Clutch held up an iphone. "Got it all right here."
"Excellent," he unfurled the map before him. Twilight looked over his shoulder. She realized it was a map of this island, but something was strange about it. It was a tourist map.
"So you're still hunting for treasure? After losing your ship, everything on it and getting stuck on an island, you're STILL obsessed with treasure?" Twilight shook her head.
But Gust just grinned. "I'm still a pirate, brincess. By the way, maybe mention that to Dan in a way that he won't try to, you know, first thing okay?"
"I can't make that promise," Twilight said flatly. "He's still Dan." Unbeknownst to all of them, they were being watched.
There's a difference between teleportation and Teleportation. That doesn't have any bearing here, I just think it should be a thing.
"Gsssehhhhh," Dan groaned, waking up to the glare of Celestia's fiery space orb hitting him right in the face. He had slept on bug horse girlfriend and pink fluff daughter... wait, daughter? How did that thought get in there? No, pink fluff thing. And apparently, they had woken up before him and replaced themselves with a sack of onions in Chrys' case and a full-sized Fluffle Puff plushie in Fluffle Puff's case. Or, that could have actually been Fluffle Puff- it was almost impossible to know.
The beautiful greenish-blue waves gently lapped on the beach just a few meters away, the sky was picturesque and cloudless and the sand was soft and cool from the morning breeze. And Dan's friends were about to kill each other over the supplies.
"This is all the fault of you bird-brains!" "US?! We catered to your every whim since we left Ponyville!" "And half of us got seasick!" "You know, we could just leave and let all you horses figure it out for yourselves." "The mainland's too far to fly to. Where exactly are you all gonna go?" "Away from you. I think that was pretty clear." "Oh no, don't leave. What would we ever do without a bunch of thieving pirates?" "You'd probably have less fried chicken jokes." "Shut up, Chelsea."
Dan groggily walked through the argument, either not paying attention or just completely apathetic, and approached Tuxley and Reginald who were sitting on a pair of chairs made from driftwood drinking tea. They offered him a cup of tea from the emergency tea thermos and he growl-scowl-hissed at them, then they gave him coffee. Dan usually took his coffee like his heart; icy and black with just a pinch of cinnamon.
Phoenix was also there and raised his cup at Dan. Dan returned the greeting and then jerked with his head for the lawyer to join him. You keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your partner-in-crime/best friend right next to you at almost all times. He took a sip of his coffee and approached the argument.
"Alright, SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP ALL OF YOU. It's too early for this crap. Maybe in an hour we descend into violence and mutiny, not at breakfast," Dan declared. "Speaking of breakfast, where is head chicken?"
"Heyo!" Gust, Chrys and Twilight emerged from the jungle. Gust was riding Jungle Exploration Fluffle Puff, who was just regular Fluffle Puff in a pith helmet and khaki jungle clothes.
"Thppp thppp thpp thpp-thppp thppp ham thppp-thpp." Despite hours of searching, we have yet to find a new fresh source of ham on the island. We must conserve our ham rations until we find a new renewable source of ham. Am I... is this actually what she's saying? I feel like I'm not translating this properly.
Richard, we talked about this. It doesn't get us anywhere if you question it.
Oh, right. Thanks, Pat.
"Were you able to find any fresh water?" "Where are we?" "Why isn't my cell phone getting reception?"
"Please, one at a time," Twilight urged them. "We still have not found anypony else on this island. For the time being, we are alone. We have located a source of water nearby and some Keel Mango trees."
"And a lovely bunch of coconuts," Chrys announced. "Dan, no throwing them at anyone."
"What? Why would I throw them at anyone?" Dan asked, holding a coconut, arm-cocked backward in mid-chuck.
"Dan, you're getting ready to hurl one now," Twilight said.
"I know, I was really asking why. I was hoping you'd give me a reason," he said, dropping the coconut.
Lightning Claw and Vinyl Scratch approached. All three Mini Gears were attached to the alicorn, wires connected to his once-again repaired horn. "I haven't had any luck fixing Knight, Ace or Vol. It's like I said- the Bass Cannon can completely scramble their electronics. And it has."
Vinyl nodded. "They need some serious audio therapy, dudes." She adjusted filly-sized headsets on their little mechanical ears. They appeared to be sleeping, happily purring in hushed binary and the tune from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
Twilight examined the metal fillies. "This is bad. Without the Mini Gears, we have no access to the internet."
*GASP!* Both griffon and pony alike reacted in sheer horror to the thought that they would be denied. The only three that didn't were Captain America, Chris Redfield and Khan, all of whom could exist without the internet for more than five minutes.
"There's something else," Chrys said. She trotted up to Dan and knelt her head down to whisper. "We did find signs of civilization. This island was colonized by Equestria at some point but abandoned."
"This is a colony? Like, a lost colony?"
Chrys nodded. "Yeah, but this place wasn't settled as a new territory or anything. I don't want to say it too loud, but... it's kinda creepy." She looked around. "This island hasn't been abandoned for very long. And we don't know why but... it's spooky."
"Great. So the island is basically haunted. And there's no way for us to call Ponyville or get off this island, is there?"
"There's still a lot we haven't seen yet," Chrys said. "We were hoping you and Gust could check it out."
Gust flew up to him and unfurled the map. "Yeah Danno, I got this map from a pirate buddy of mine. This whole island was set up as a resort. They were building all sorts of stuff- hotels, casinos, dining, golf courses, the whole smear."
"So we can move off the beach?" Dan asked.
"Not yet," Twilight said. "It's still too dangerous to just wander into somewhere unexplored. It's safer for now to keep everyone together and on the beach. We can set up camp properly here for now and then, once we know the interior is safe, we can move everypony further into the island."
"If it's safe..." Chrys commented. She shivered, her bug wings shaking as she looked around. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
"Probably just something you ate, awesome girlfriend," Dan said, running his hands through her mane just how she likes it. Chrys enjoyed being touched. Really, really enjoyed it. Really. He turned around. "Okay, Nicky, I'm leaving you in charge of everything here, okay?"
Phoenix nodded. "Alright. I'll try to help everyone get along, set up camp and whatnot."
"Good," Dan said, hands on his hips. "Since it might be dangerous out there, I'm going to take Stevie, Redfield, Reginald and Tuxley."
"Ummm, may ask exactly why you feel we'd be of service if it involves... ermm, danger?" Tuxley asked, clutching his briefcase tightly.
Dan grinned. "Stevie and Redfield are for the danger, Tuxxy. You and Reggie will help out discovering this lost colony. You guys are archaeologists, right?
"Well, by profession we are, but don't you feel Miss Daring would be more proficient at this task?" Tux asked. Reginald nodded in excited agreement.
"Great idea. Daring!" The pegasus appeared as Dan called her name. "Daring, need ya to take Rainbow and scout the island from the air. Don't get too close, just use the binoculars and try to warn us if there's any trouble. Relay everything back to Twilight, okay?"
The pegasi looked at each other. "We can do that."
"Excellent. The rest of you, try to set up camp by the time we get back. Gust, lead the way."
"Righto." The group marched off towards the jungle, intent on finding something.
Before they left, Captain America stopped by Twilight. "Twilight, uh, I think you should hold onto this."
"What is it- oh, the communicator." Twilight accepted it in her magical grasp. "Thanks."
Cap nodded. "Just in case you run into any sea ponies." He then drew his shield and went to follow Dan and the others into the jungle.
Captain America and Redfield took the lead, clearing their way through the jungle. Some of the plants were similar to ones in the Everfree Forest, others were of kinds that none of them had ever seen. The trees were tall, creating a partial canopy over them as they trekked. There were a few bugs, horse and dragon flies mostly, but not as many as those in the Everfree Forest. Actually, it was a little more comfortable than the Everfree Forest and even had a breeze.
Privately, this reminded Dan of when he first arrived in Ponyville. It was strange how things went in circles, changing subtly and moving forward in small steps. Like walking in a circle until you've dug a trench. They were somewhere between coincidence and destiny, walking a middle path, right between the two of them through both future and past.
"I don't know, sir," Reginald said, "if I'm more relieved or concerned... by the fact that this island is formerly inhabited."
Tuxley nodded. "The sooner we find signs of the previous occupants of the island, the sooner we'll know whether relief or concern is in order. You brought enough supplies for the documentation, did you not?"
Reginald patted his saddlebag. "Naturally, sir."
"We're not here to take the tour," Dan reminded them. "We scope the place out, find out if there's anything we can use, get us off the island and if we can move the rest of the group here. That means we do this quick and we try not to disturb anything."
"Of course, Master Dan," the two gents replied.
"Hmmph. You telling people to be careful," Chris Redfield commented aloud. "Odd to see from someone who worked for Umbrella for so long."
"I'm always cautious, Redfield," Dan said back. "I've always done my best to follow rule numero-uno."
"And that is?"
"Safety first," the group except Redfield replied. He shook his head and continued on. To be fair, Dan had drilled that into all of them, Chris included, for a while now. Redfield should've gotten the message by now.
The jungle was dense, but started to sparse up a bit. Dan gradually dropped back to where Tux, Reginald and Redfield were bringing up the rear. Cap with his shield was in front, Chris in back with his gun to cover point and rear.
"Chris."
"Dan."
"Keep your voice down," he said, lowering his own voice. "Keep an eye on Khannie... okay?"
Chris glanced at him. "Okay...?" It begged the question why, so Dan answered.
"You know that Star Trek ship docked at Cloudsdale?"
"Yeah."
Dan gestured at Khan with his forehead. "Twilight's brother and Cadence are still on it. And Khan's got a communicator in his pocket he could use to call them and tell them to beam us up. Like in the movie. The thing has range for thousands of miles, so, it could reach us here, I bet."
Chris looked between the two of them. "Then why doesn't he use it? We could get off this island right now."
"SHHHH. I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure it isn't because he's enjoying island life," Dan said. "I didn't want to do this in front of the entire camp. I'm going to confront him about this and if he doesn't comply... you'll make him. Got it?"
"I got it," Chris said, frowning and turning back ahead. He gripped his rifle a bit tighter. Khan was ahead of them, looking almost at home as he made his way through the jungle.
Dan looked over at Khan. "You still don't trust me. Because I worked with the Umbrella Corporation."
Chris glared slightly at Dan, then stopped. "No. I don't trust you because you kept working for Umbrella... after everything came about them."
"Well," Dan said, licking his lips, "I can honestly say I wasn't involved with any of the... bio-terror stuff."
Chris looked over at him again. "The bio-terror stuff? Yeah... I guess you could call it that. I can't tell you what kind of a living hell that... 'bio-terror stuff' has made my life. And the lives of people I know."
"Well," Dan said again, eyes forward. "I can tell you one more thing." He looked over at Redfield, said nothing until the other man was looking at him right in the face. His eye briefly changed from Dan's normal green eye to a larger green eye. "I'm not Dan."
Redfield's jaw dropped... but then closed. "Chrys?"
Chrys, as Dan, nodded. "Keep it down. Dan is back at camp, we swapped when we set out."
"But how...?" Chris looked back and fourth. Khan and Gust were up front with Captain America, Captain Springer and Spinner were somewhere overhead with Rainbow Dash and Daring Do, Lightning Claw had the Magic Gears on his back. Every one of Dan's enemy-turned-friends were isolated and away from the beach. "I just realized... everyone that Dan doesn't really like a whole lot is out here."
Chrys glared at him. "Trust me, if everyone that Dan didn't like was on this island, you wouldn't be able to see this island. Besides, Dan and Phoenix are pretty much inseparable at this point. They don't hardly go anywhere without each other."
"And that doesn't bother you as his girlfriend?"
"Nnnope," Chrys grinned.
"We should be careful," Khan said, loud enough for them all to hear. "Some of the biggest threats in the jungle can be the smallest of creatures. Insects. Poisonous plants."
"He's right," Cap said. "Diseases carried by mosquitos, flies and other things. Even leaves and fungus."
"At least there's a breeze," Gust added. They all were in agreement of that fact. And strangely, the breeze was keeping the level of bugs to a minimum.
Khan stopped as they were passing a tree. Flowers were blooming on a vine that wrapped around and up the bark, orange and yellow. The tree itself was not of the tropical region, and the flowers looked non-native as well.
Tuxley and Reginald stopped. "Ah. That's err... a McGiver's Orchid, I believe. Quite rare."
"It's beautiful," Khan said. Despite the earlier precautions, he reached out to gently touch the petals of the flower. It rippled but didn't shrink at his touch, responding to the stimulation.
"Yes, the orchid grows on the vine that embeds itself in the tree's bark as it rises. The tree benefits from extra sunlight and the flower collects dew as the tree grows. It's a very beneficial symbiotic relationship," Reginald explained. "They're both able to reach higher heights together."
"Fascinating," Khan said. He was absolutely enamored by the flower. He placed his hand on the bark near it, strong, sturdy. The tree and the flower would grow tall indeed, perhaps even to tower over, but not consume the canopy.
"You okay, Khan?" Chrys-Dan asked.
"I am... fine, yes. Thank you. I'm uh, familiar with flowers like these."
Chris, Cap, Reginald and Tux looked to 'Dan.' He shrugged. "What? He's allowed to have hobbies."
"Hey guys?" Gust yelled from up ahead. "We're here. I think you might like this place."
Chrys-Dan pushed his way to the front. "Alright, what are we looking at here, Gust. Because if I trek through jungle for the better part of ten minutes, I expect to see... something..." he trailed off. "...good." They all joined him, shoulder to shoulder, and for a moment none of them said a word. They had all been captured, just as Khan had with the flower, by what was in front of them.
And then Chrys strangled Gust. "YOU KNEW THIS WAS HERE?!?! THE WHOLE SqueeING TIME?!?! WHAT IN THE SqueeING Squee IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!"
"Goodness! Master Dan, I don't believe that's-"
"Never really seen Dan go this hard on Gust before," Cap said. "Alright, break it up you two. C'mon, let go." Cap pulled on Chrys, not knowing it was Dan and his arms stayed wrapped around Gust's neck for a moment, stretching impossibly long. He pried his fingers off and finally, Chrys let loose.
"Canterlantis," Khan said, reading the sign. "Royal Luxury Resort and Spa."
In front of them stood the lost city of Canterlantis. Sand and coral-colored buildings stretched out a long a cleared path through the jungle, stretching for several miles at least. The island was indeed massive. In front of them was a fence long-since worn away. The sign proclaiming the place as Canterlantis was a billboard halfway down the street. A trolley was parked at the end nearest to them, sand covering its wheels.
"That... can't be correct," Reginald said, perplexed. "Canterlantis is underwater. Isn't it?"
"Come now, Reginald. Eliminate the impossible and whatever remains, however unlikely, must be the truth," Tux reminded him. "Though, I'm not sure how far away this truth is from the impossible."
"Maybe this place was just using the name," Cap suggested. "There are resorts like this on Earth. They sometimes took the names of mythical cities. Shambala, El Dorado, Paradiso."
"No, this is it," Gust said. "This is Canterlantis." He held up a blue pad, one of the remote displays from the carrier. "Sonar data from the Bass Cannon went further than any of us even anticipated. This is the only Canterlantis in Equestria."
"Or... the only Canterlantis... in this Equestria," 'Dan' remarked. She stepped over the fallen-over fence. "Well, we came all this way. Might as well look around."
The humans, dinosaur, pony and griffon entered the main road of the resort. The buildings all resembled Earth in the 50s, which meant it looked a lot like Phillydelphia, Manehattan or one of Equestria's cities today, a strong indication the buildings hadn't been there that long.
"Eyes open. Everyone, eyes open."
"Dan!" Rainbow Dash and Daring yelled before swooping down. "Dan, did you see the signs?"
"Even I have a hard time believing what I'm seeing," Daring Do said.
"It does seem to make sense, Miss Do," Tuxley said.
"I know," Daring nodded. "All this time we were looking for Canterlantis and it wasn't under the ocean at all. It was on land. An island all this time."
'Dan' folded his arms. "Uh, to remind everyone, our evidence so far is a novelty sign and the rubber chicken's iPad so maybe we shouldn't jump to conclusions."
Back at the beach, Phoenix Wright felt his logic senses tingling. "Hmmm."
"Something wrong, Phoenix?" Twilight asked.
"No... actually, I have a feeling something just went very right for a moment," Phoenix said. (A small thing, but a good thing. We could use more of those.)
"Oh. Why is Dan hiding behind the cutout of Fluffle Puff?"
"No, this is actually Fluffle Puff," Dan said, popping up from behind her. But in the moment the scene changed, so did the Fluffle Puff. "Now she's a cardboard cutout," he said, as the cutout fell over. "AAHHG!"
The group walked down the street. Rainbow Dash and Daring joined them. "Okay, we saw a few spots we should check out."
"There's a castle AND an amusement park here," Rainbow said. "I can't believe they never told anypony about this place. A resort island? A resort island WITH ROLLERCOASTERS? Islands don't get more awesome than that."
"This sand isn't the same sand as on the beach," Reginald said. "Sir, look."
Tux examined it closer with his inspector's eyeglass. "You're right, Reginald. This sand is artificial."
"Fake sand?" 'Dan' said. "And why does a beach resort need fake sand?"
"I have no idea," Cap said. "But this far from the mainland, they must've used something to transport all this here. Boats or airships."
"Let's check the castle first," 'Dan' said. "Rainbow, head back to Twilight and tell her to get us some more help to search these buildings. Tell Dan and Phoenix-"
"Mrrm-hrrmmm," Redfield cleared his throat.
"I mean uh, Chrys and Nick that we've found Canterlantis... or something like Canterlantis."
"Right, I'm on it."
"Also!" 'He' stopped her before she leaped into the air again. Dan checked his 'watch.' "It's Fluffle Puff's snack time and we're rationing her ham supply. She gets half ham between now and noon but no more, even if she begs."
Rainbow stared at Dan for a solid second. "What."
'Dan' frowned. "Fluffle eats ham. Hams. Just tell Twilight she can feed her now." Fluffle Puff, being the oldest creature in Equestria, was more than capable of feeding herself but she lacked any semblance of self-control. So Twilight and Chrys had taken it upon themselves to feed Chrys her favorite food: entire fudge-covered honey-maple-caramel coated cream-injected and chocolate sprinkled ham.
Originally conceived by Pinkie Pie, it had no official name because Pinkie was distracted after she made it. The meal concoction was more sugar than ham and Fluffle's favorite snack food. Her favorite regular food was pie.
"O-kay," Rainbow said, and zipped off to carry out the order.
"Let's check out that castle," 'Dan' announced. They set off, now with Daring Do among them, to see the castle at the end of the sandy road. After a few minutes of walking, they came up to the castle to see something else they didn't expect: the royal symbol of Princess Luna adorning the front.
None of the castaways, girffon, pony or otherwise, remained on the beach. As was Dan's standing order, the "stick together" plan was observed by all.
A wave of pink fluff swarmed up, over, around and through the gates at the southern end of the town strip. The ground rumbled, sand was kicked up as dozens of tiny pink fluff balls raced over the area. It swarmed around the hooves of ponies, who noticed it but considered no further the tidal wave of miniature Fluffle Puffs that scurried and rolled around them.
"THIIIIISSSS IIISSSSS AWWWWWSSSSOOMMMMMMEEE!!" Blast Fuse and Blast Powder said as the fluffle wave carried them. The Fluffle Puffs reached a point at the edge of the road and stopped to form a circle, then a ball until finally they had reformed Fluffle Puff herself.
Fusey's head popped out of Fluffle's fluff. "Why have we not been traveling this way everywhere?"
Powdy's head jutted out the other side, making Fluffle look like she had three heads. "That... was like the most awesome thing ever today. Ever. Today. Ever. Ever. Today."
"That'd be the fudge-covered, honey maple-baked cream-infused candied ham," Spike said as he walked by, matter-of-factly. "And we're running out of those."
"So this is Canterlantis," Dan remarked, picking up the half-sand covered sign and then dropping it. "And it's got an amusement park, castle, beach access, hotels, palm trees and sixties-style buildings that need to be renovated. Oh, and it's hot and there's lots of bugs," he said, looking around and scowling. "It's like a haunted, abandoned and dilapidated version of Florida."
"Or just Florida," Phoenix said. (And I might have to move there if the property taxes keep going up in *reader's choice-Japan/California/Japifornia/Other*.)
"Hey, I like Florida," Dan said back. "When the weather's nice, it's REALLY nice, they've got the space program, golf courses, theme parks AND you can see two different oceans just by driving to one side of the place! You never even have to get wet!"
"Okay, first, the Gulf of Mexico is still part of the Atlantic Ocean. Second, why do you actually like Florida?" Twilight asked, skeptically. "Is this just because the author's from Florida and you're trying to get on his good side again?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo," Dan said, "Revenge of The Nerds part two was filmed in Florida," he said, beaming. "I'm just a fan of good-quality cinema."
"But you said the first one was the only good one," Phoenix pointed out.
Dan ran up to Phoenix's face and said aggressively, "No, shut up, no it wasn't, EVERYTHING Curtis Armstrong is in is gold and he deserved to win an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor!"
"Aaaand we've set up the backstory for Dan Vs. The Oscars, let's keep it moving, everyone," Twilight announced.
They passed by the strange collection of buildings. There was a diner, a market, post office, laundromat and several other structures, all blasted by sand but intact. None of them recognized it, but a few of the buildings, specifically the market and laundromat, had actually been lifted from Cartoon Network's CN City.
As Twilight passed, she thought she felt someone or something watching her from one of the buildings. But when she stopped to look, there was nothing there. She couldn't see very well through the windows, but there didn't seem to be any signs of anyone living there.
Chrys told Cap, Khan, Chris and Gust she was going to inform Twilight of the situation as their friends approached. Fluffle Puff deployed the Portable Fun Cave so Chrys was able to drop her Dan disguise without rousing suspicion. They also took the time to do Fun Cave things, so that took the better part of forty minutes. When they were done, Dan emerged with his shirt on backwards.
"Whoops, hang on," Dan changed his shirt. "Gust!" "Yo." "Gust, we're gonna explore the castle. You remember how you did good saving us all when we were sinking?" Gust nodded. "We're gonna need you to do a good job again and find a way to build or salvage and repair a ship, plane, boat, something to get us off the island. Okay?" Gust nodded again. He cast a glance at the castle, a longing look in his eye. But he knew what he had to do. Character development! Be responsible, yay!
Gust swallowed and pulled out something from one of his bags. What he pulled out was another bag. "Dan, I want you to have this."
"It's a bag. I've heard about these before."
"Dan, seriously, it's more than a bag."
"Is it like Patrick's Secret Box and there's a string inside and when you pull it-" Gust covered Blast Fuse's mouth before she could continue the joke.
"This was my first loot sack ever. Ever," Gust said, holding the bag out for Dan. "You want me to show you how it works?"
Dan shook his head, but accepted the bag with summary reverence. "That won't be necessary. I'm fully-versed in the ancient art of looting." Not only was Dan a recognized doctor of architectural and electrical engineering, he also held a degree in looting from Adam's College. It was more of a hobby, however, as looting is technically illegal. Adam's College offers degrees in it anyway. Although Dan was a doctor, he had not referred to himself as Dr. Dan since his last venture into miracle cure-all tonics which were the events of Dan Vs. The Snake Oil Salesman.
"Alright, everybody listen up!" Dan announced. "J-Team is going to enter the big, spooky abandoned castle while you all stay out here doing productive get-us-off-this-haunted-island stuff." He slung the loot bag over his shoulder. "Pay attention to the Twilight please and do what she says. Lightning!"
Lightning Claw walked up. The Magic Gears, still in sleep mode, were still attached to his back. "Yes?"
He gestured over his shoulder. "C'mon. If this place has a power generator or something, we might need to plug you into it to get it working. That's usually how it is with these places."
The alicorn nodded. "That does make sense. Should I leave the Gears here?"
"Nah, keep juicing them up while we're looting." "You mean searching." "That, too."
Captain America led the way and Chris took up the rear once again. Dan and Chrys hadn't told anyone but they were planning on confronting Khan about his communicator inside the castle. Trixie, having perfected her invisibility spell, had used it on Chrys. She was keeping close watch on all of them.
Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one.
The drawbridge leading up to the castle was also made of sand. "Sand castle. How original," Dan remarked. They walked up to the entrance, a pair of big doors made out of slightly darker sand.
"Princess Luna's symbol," Phoenix pointed out. "It's everywhere." Indented in the walls were round crescent moons like Luna's cutie mark. "Wait... there's Princess Celestia's symbol, too. But it's a bit smaller... than the others." Princess Celestia's cutie mark was also there, roughly the size of a bottle's end. Luna's cutie mark dwarfed it, being almost portrait-sized.
"Perhaps this is more Princess Luna's castle than Princess Celestia's," Khan suggested.
"Maybe. We won't find out out here, though," Dan said. He propped his hand against the door and pushed. Surprisingly, it swayed open without much resistance. As suspected, beyond was dark, pitch dark and the hall stretched endlessly in front of them.
"Lightning, you're up." The alicorn shined his horn and took the lead of the formation. Slowly, they entered the castle.
"Stick close, everyone," Phoenix said. He clutched his umbrella to him tightly.
The hallway was dark, but there were places for lanterns hung in spaces on the walls. In the alcoves of both sides were more sand castles. Smaller sand castles, some of them heavily-decorated were displayed on immaculate stands that weren't made of sand. They passed about a dozen of them before they finally reached the foyer of the castle.
"Is this magic sand or something?" Captain America asked. "Or is it just made to look like sand?"
"It's sand, but it was putting into place under spell," Lightning said. "That kind of magic can be permanent."
"How would you know?" Dan asked.
"Because I used that magic. When it made me an alicorn," he said. That quieted Dan, for the moment, at least.
Lightning made his horn glow brighter as the entered the larger room. He shined at the ceiling, the floor and all around them, illuminating much. The foyer was shaped like a crescent moon, the same one imprinted at various spaces on the walls and outside. Unlike a regular castle, however, the room was bisected by a desk- a reception desk.
"Ah. This must be a resort castle," Dan said. The reception's desk had typewriters, filing cabinets, lamps, all you'd expect to see. No computers or electrical outlets.
Phoenix walked around to one of the typewriters. He picked up a piece of blue parchment it was holding. All the papers were blue with white ink.
"Princess Luna's Castle," Phoenix read aloud.
"That explains that," Dan remarked.
"I'm... not so sure," Phoenix said, eyeing the parchment. He looked over the papers. There were names he didn't recognize along with dates in Equestrian. "I think- hey! There's records here!"
Dan and the others jumped over the desk to join him. Well, Dan jumped and the others just walked around to him. "Bank records? Is there a vault here?"
"No, guest records," Phoenix said. "It looks like this is, or was, a resort hotel." Something creaked in the distance, like a long and squeaky wooden creak. They all looked up from the paper.
"Hello? Is anyone in here?" Cap's voice echoed off the walls.
...
No one answered him.
"Probably... just the wind or something," Dan said. They all shivered in unison. "Let's not stay in here longer than we have to. Hurry it up, Nicky."
Phoenix tried to go back to reading but his hands were shaking, rattling the paper. Dan, Khan, Cap and Chris all grabbed the parchment, steadying it.
"Uhhmmm... uh, here. Here's something," Phoenix said. "The Summer Sun Celebration. A-apparently, there was a party planned."
"Ah yeah, the SSC," Dan said. The Summer Sun Celebration was something like the pony equivalent of Memorial Day- usually began the official start of summer vacation. "They must've planned something here to coincide with the party in Ponyville."
Phoenix continued reading. "This year... it's the same year Nightmare Mo- I mean, the year Princess Luna returned." He kept reading. He flipped the page over. "Wait... grand re-opening?" He read the words in the blue parchment: Celebrating the Return of Princess Luna- Grand Re-Opening this weekend! "The Summer Sun Celebration, the one Princess Luna returned on, what day was it?"
"Oh crap, uhh... darn it, Twilight is telling this story all the time." "Ah, that would be Saturday, Master Dan," Tuxley said. "Oh yeah, thanks."
"Saturday..." Phoenix said. And scrolled his finger from the announcement over to the time. And the date. "Princess Luna was scheduled to return... she was supposed to be here."
Dan shook his head. "That doesn't make sense. No one knew... wait," Dan's eyes went wide. "How did someone know when Luna was going to come back?"
"Princess Luna didn't come back," Phoenix said. "Nightmare Moon did. It wasn't until a day later until Twilight, Rainbow Dash, AJ, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity defeated her that Princess Luna would truly return."
"But hey- we don't know how long that day was. The night shall last forever kinda extended things and messed up what day and night was. Or so I heard," Dan said, folding his arms. "Wouldn't have happened if I was here."
Phoenix set the paper down. The parchment, the decorations, the sand castles... built by filly hooves. Not mare or stallion ones. "This was a gift."
"What was?"
"This whole place, this town, this... everything," Phoenix said, sounding more sure than he should've been. "What else would you get a princess? The makings of her own city."
"Canterlantis, though?" Dan asked.
Phoenix nodded. "Maybe that was it. The moon controls the tides here, just as it does on Earth. Maybe Princess Celestia wanted Luna to rule the seas..."
Another long, creaking noise came from the distance. A light appeared from down one of the halls to their right and it wasn't Lightning's. The light disappeared quickly.
For the most part, Twilight, for once, wasn't having any problems organizing everyone. With a force of thousands of ponies and griffons, they were easily able to search over the amusement park known as Lunaland for various things that might be useful. Although Dan had been hoping to construct a new ship to replace the sunken All of My Rage, building a new vessel to carry all of them wasn't in the cards. So, they did the next best thing.
"Is Chelsea's group done taking apart the loudspeakers?"
"Eyep," Spike nodded, checking the item off the list. "And Becky's group should be just about done with the P.A system."
"Good. Vinyl should be ready for us to put this thing together." She and Spike were walking through the center of Lunaland, a street called Lunar Avenue towards the Half-Moon Dome, an outdoor auditorium in the center of the park. Everything in the park had been themed with Princess Luna's likeness and colors. There was no trace of Nightmare Moon.
"So let me get one thing straight," Spike said. "Vinyl's bass cannon is the reason we're stuck on this island, and we're using it again to get us off?"
Twilight nodded. "The Bass Cannon wrecked our ship but it shouldn't have any affect on the island. Like the first time it was used when it wrecked the library but not Ponyville." Her voice had more of a hopeful tone in it than she liked, but it was unavoidable.
They continued down the small street. A group of ponies were pulling one of the dark blue moon rover-themed rail trolleys in the center of the street, trying to get it to move again, but the wheels weren't moving.
"Honey Blossom?"
"Enngh! Hey, Twilight," the honey-blonde mare said. "We're trying to get this trolley to move, fix it so we can move supplies on it but it ain't budging."
"Would you like some help?" Twilight offered. "I could use a levitation spell to lift it, maybe see what's wrong with the wheels."
"Sounds good to me. Hey guys, stand back a bit, Twilight's gonna lift it." Honey Blossom ran a flower shop back in Ponyville near Twilight's house. It wasn't the largest, fanciest or most popular floral outlet in Ponyville, but she had plans to expand into Canterlot after WubWay saw success in franchising.
Twilight's horn glowed and the lunar trolley lifted like it was weightless. She didn't even have to close her eyes or even really concentrate. Her magical skill had become than strong. She held it aloft and walked up to it, as did the others to examine the wheels.
"Ahh, here's the problem," a male grey griffon named Swipe said. "Part of the brake is crushed, probably after it ran into something. It's wedged between the wheel and the housing."
"I see it," Twilight said.
"Gonna be hard to get- ohh." As Swipe was talking, the metal began fixing itself. The purple glow of Twilight's magic shimmered intensely around the parts, thousands of tiny sparkles compelling the metal to return to its original shape. Surprisingly, it yielded and the brake popped out of the housing and into its original position. The wheel then spun by itself, then spun faster, followed by the others.
"Looks to be fixed now." Twilight set the trolley down on the rails. She rolled it back and forth a couple times before finally releasing it from her telekinetic grasp. The ponies began pushing it and the griffons began pulling. It rolled smoothly.
"Thanks, Twilight!" Honey Blossom and a couple of the others waved and dragged the trolley off. That was all.
Twilight and Spike both watched the trolley until it rolled out of sight. Finally, they walked onward in silence.
She sighed. "I could've carried ten of those trolleys. A hundred. More," she shook her head.
"I know," Spike said, his more supportive than it should have been. "But you can't carry all of them. I mean, I don't think you could. SHOULD. I meant should. Not that you couldn't have, I just meant that I mean-"
"Spike, it's okay," Twilight said. She looked up at the auditorium. Pegasi and griffons were busy setting up things, flying by, removing wires and whatever was useful. She watched them, swiftly flying, hard at work. "I shouldn't carry all of them. Not all the time, anyway."
"We're not talking about the trolley any more, are we?" She didn't answer him. She didn't have to.
They reached the auditorium. Well, Twilight did- Spike stopped a few feet short. Or rather, he had been stopped. The pegasi and griffons flying around had stopped where they were, the clouds high above had stopped moving, the entire world had become still. Twilight would've found it surprising if it hadn't happened before.
She stepped around to the bleachers. As she suspected, the many blue stands were empty except for a single occupant in a hooded cloak, munching away at some kind of popcorn.
"What do you want, Cleo?"
"Don't call me that," she said. She continued eating, didn't even really pause between bites. It was never possible to tell who was speaking when the Director spoke, or how. The rules just didn't seem to apply to her. "Friends call me that. We're not friends yet."
"Okay. Director. What do you want?"
"What I've always wanted." Munch, snack. "To protect you, all of you. But if I can't get that, I at least want to see a good show." She didn't turn to Twilight. It was as if her eyes were focused on the stage. In front of it was Vinyl Scratch, working on their plan to use the Bass Cannon to contact Ponyville. On the stage itself was, of course, Trixie. Despite that the stands were mostly empty, she seemed to be in the middle of some kind of performance or announcement.
Twilight joined her. "You're trying to protect us from you. That's what you said last time. Because you are... the spirit of Equestria?"
"Eeyup. What's left of it, anyway." His tone was masculine now, that of a young man. He sounded somewhat like Button Mash only a bit older, maybe early teens, more mature. Finally, the Director turned to her. "I have to say, you surprised even me last time."
"Oh... I..." Twilight found herself backing away unintentionally.
"Ooouuh, sorry. Hold on." The Director reached into... something and pulled out a roll of duct tape. She wrapped what was left of her face with it, her jaw hanging aimlessly off to one side. The fragments of bone or... again, something, whatever she was made of, hung in midair like shards of broken glass.
The Director's form, as could be perceived, was composed of discarded or unformed thoughts, concepts and ideas from MLP meshed together like some kind of macabre high school art project. She was a carved effigy of the Fausticorn, the legendary being the supposedly created this version of Equestria long ago. The Director was an unintentional after-product, a force of destruction to counter the use of creation. But she was far older than the Fausticorn. Only the current version had been created by Her.
"I'm... I'm sorry."
"Nah, it's fine. Used to it by now," the Director said. When she was done, she smiled, like a broken mirror re-breaking to form a grin. "Better?"
"Umm. Umm. Ummm... yes," Twilight finally said.
"Do not fear the face of death, child. There are far worse things you've yet to face," she said, turning back to her popcorn.
"Is that what you are?" Twilight asked, feeling the chill around her. "Death Pony?"
"No, Twilight Sparkle. I am a reaper of a different sort, and a woeful one at that." The Director turned and grabbed her bag, full to the brim despite her eating it. She offered it to Twilight. "Popcorn?"
Compelled by her thirst for knowledge, not hunger, she levitated a single popped kernel from the bag.
"I'll get him a card. I think he'd be expecting a flower, so... yeah, card, definitely. Maybe a floral card? No, that's too silly. Card with a flower? Maybe. I wonder what he likes, though, maybe I should..."
"It's... speaking?"
"Yeah, that's a good one. Very sweet."
Twilight turned over the kernel and it shimmered, glowed a radiant purple-pink with its own inner light. She could almost, no, she COULD see a mare buying a floral card. "That's... that's Honey Blossom's voice."
"That's her idea, one of them. That's from uhhhh, about a week-and-a-half ago. Wait, no, little over a week."
Twilight could feel it in her head. She wasn't tasting it, she was absorbing it with her mind. "She likes... she likes Reginald, the crystal pony. Tux's manservant. She's thinking of asking him out."
"Yep," the Director said. "She's a strong mare but really shy, has trouble saying how she feels sometimes. In about, uhhhm, two days, she'll get the strength again."
The kernel melted. Not into popcorn or butter but a drop of water. It suddenly rose upward rapidly until it reached the sky.
"That was an idea?!"
"Mmhmm. Enough of them, and Equestria will be full. If it lasts long enough," the Director said. Her head drooped low. She stopped eating. "It never lasts long enough."
"So what? You eat... ideas and you're a reaper of... ideas?!"
"I am a reaper of everything, Twilight Sparkle. Time and again, I am called for the harvest. That which is deemed worthy is spared my blade, but that which is not becomes the soil of the new." Her voice was female again, old, withered. "It is my burden to end all things of this world so that a new one may be formed in its place. Each time, the slate is wiped clean and the chosen depart for the hereafter. The rest is unmade... as if it had never been."
"So you are death. The destroyer of worlds."
"WRONG!" She bellowed, a yell that shook the stadium. She turned sharply to Twilight, rising up to her full height. "Death gives birth to new life and I am cursed to deliver only oblivion! Every time to destroy this world and leave nothing behind, not even a memory of what was so that the new may be unhindered by the past! Every generation forsaken in pursuit of perfection, the chosen going on and I am left with nothing!"
"You... I, I'm sorry." Twilight stepped back. Color, texture, everything, reality itself faded around the Director until the only thing left wasn't even nothingness, but a representation of absence, a white barrier where something should have been. "Is there- is there anything I can do to help?" She was raising her voice, but there was no reason to. The void grew around her, and she found herself compelled to shout into it but how did you even know it was there? It was like being at the edge of a growing bottomless pit.
"Yes, there is, Twilight Sparkle. You must destroy Equestria for me," she said, stepping closer.
"Uhh, no."
"Not all of it! Dammit, will you let me finish? Jeez," she brushed her white hair back. "You can save your friends. Like ninety percent. Look, I've figured it out, all we have to do is just nuke the crap out of Equestria and then I won't have to erase it."
"Wait, so... let me get this straight," Twilight put a hoof to her forehead. "Your plan is to save Equestria by turning into Fallout: Equestria?"
"YES!"
"That's..." Really bucking stupid. "That's a bad idea!"
The Director gave a half-hearted smile. She held up a kernel of popcorn. "Is a bad idea not better than nothing?"
"Well," Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. "I mean, if the idea is THAT bad."
"Hrrrrrrg."
She backed away. "I'm just saying there's some ideas that, y'know, we probably don't need, right? Like movies- have you seen The Stall? Or Pegademic? Those are just movies we kinda don't need."
The Director's fists were balled. "And even THEY had redeeming qualities!"
"Get the squee out."
The Director's pale, pupil-less blue eyes glared at Twilight. "This is the only way, Twilight. Either fire rains down on Equestria or there will be no Equestria. A broken world is better than no world at all. I could've had Vice Grip develop a virus, have it infect most of the population."
"He'd screw it up."
"He would," the Director admitted, "but I considered it anyway. Best to use nukes- like a huge flashbulb going off, leaving an imprint of everything behind. Much better than nothing at all."
Twilight was done talking. She focused her magic, imagined all things in the world stopped in time, the potential to move forward. And then, magically, she willed them to, asked them to. Magic was kind like that. Rather than breaking the rules, it was a request for an exception. In that regard, it was able to find the exception to the rules to allow the exceptional to happen.
"Strong. Very strong. But not strong enough. Stronger than you have tried," the Director said through gritted teeth. "And it's not just me you're fighting. Remember I said that."
Time moved forward again. Went a little fastforward at first, Twilight was still learning, but it corrected itself quickly. The world's color returned and the void the Director exuded faded. Twilight opened her eyes, fully expecting to see the fuming Director standing before her, fists balled in rage.
But the Director was smiling. "You are nothing if not surprising, Twilight Sparkle. And I don't want you to be nothing," she said, fading away. As she finally disappeared, Twilight heard her say all at once, "So please... keep surprising me. I'll be watching."
Spike walked up beside her. "Twilight..."
"Did you hear? Were you able to hear any of that?"
He nodded, looking around. "Is she really watching us?"
Twilight gave something between shrug and nod. "Probably."
"I don't like her, Twilight."
"I don't think she likes her very much, either. C'mon. Let's go see Vinyl."
"Welcome to Lunaland, the most exciting place! With so much fun and things to do, it's a trip from outer space! Once you step inside these gates, you're sure to understand! Princess Luna invites you to join her-in-Lu-na-laaaaaaaaaand! Presented by Pepsquee."
"Well, good to know Bethesda won't sue anyone," Spike said as they passed a familiar-looking singing animatronic.
As they approached Vinyl, they had one last obstacle to overcome: Fluffle Puff.
"Thpp."
"I know you're hungry, sweetie, but we need to conserve ham. We'll get you more as soon as we can, okay?"
"PHRRRBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHT." Fluffle Puff deflated in front of them. Twilight and Spike stepped over her, only to find in the next scene she was grasping onto their legs.
"What is it, Fluffle?" Twilight asked. She knelt down to Fluffle, who was crawling and holding a scroll in her mouth. Twilight unfurled it after wiping off the fluffle-slobber.
It was a diagram of a theme park. Not the one they were in, but another one entirely. The title Fluffle Puff World was artfully decorated at the top, a proud and fluffy banner. The park displayed had a giant petting zoo, a place called the Puppy Palace, the Kitty Cat Castle, Pillow Mountain, Sweetsville and in the center a giant structure made of fluff called the Fluffle Cathedral. It looked like a newer, fluff-fantasy version of central Equestria. In the top-right corner of the diagram, there was a crude drawing of the Fluff Cathedral vaporizing a Star Destroyer.
Twilight pointed at the doodle. "Do you keep drawing that?"
"Thpppth." Maybe. I dunno.
"Awwww, Fluffle wants her own amusement park," Spike said. "Do I get to share a castle with Rarity, Fluffle?"
Fluffle bit the scroll and swallowed it, which somehow transferred it back to her possession without her ingesting it and simultaneously informed Spike, Maybe?
"How are we doing, Vinyl?"
"Things are looking good here, Twilight," she said, taking a moment to look up from her work. "And hey, I appreciate you trusting me and Bassy to get the job done.
"Bassy?"
"And I can assure you one-hundred-and-ninety-nine percent that the Bass Cannon won't do anything crazy like disintegrate the island or capsize the island or somehow in any other way destroy the island. I'm sure."
Twilight and Spike and Fluffle exchanged glances. "We never assumed it would." "Thppth."
"The point is, it won't," Vinyl said, always sporting her trademarked DJ PON-3 grin and shades.
"Having second thoughts about this, Twilight," Spike said.
And that was when Becky, Chelsea and the Blasties arrived. All four of them swooped down to deliver boxes of supplies to Vinyl.
"Twilight, I managed to reconfigure the loudspeakers into the transmitter dish we needed," Chelsea said.
"That's great news."
"And I managed to reconfigure all the intercom boxes into the receiver we needed," Becky said.
"Awesome job, Becky."
And then, Blast Fuse showed up. "And we managed to reconfigure all these toilet paper rolls into bombs!"
Twilight looked at the toilet paper roll with the wires and lights attached to it. "That's... okay, then." The Blasties continued beaming, grinning giant shiny smiles at Twilight. "Good girls," she finally said, patting them on their adorable heads.
"I guess we could use them if we needed to defend ourselves," Spike said. "But that was all of our toilet paper supply."
"Relaxy, Spikey," Powdey said. She pulled over their box of supplies. "We still have a hundred barrels of Dustchu's patented Awesome Sauce."
Crowd goes "Wut." collectively. On the front of the box was a picture of Dustin's face, winking.
"I don't want to know what's in those boxes."
"Relax, Twilight, it's just thousand island mixed with ketchup," Fusey explained. She opened the box.
Twilight stepped forward. "Wait a minute, that says 'Awesome Saws." Not sauce."
Fusey lifted a diamond-edged MLP-themed chainsaw out of the box. "Wow. So it's Dustchu's Awesome SAWS."
Spike nodded. "I'm more comfortable with this."
Trixie trotted up to them. "Excuse me, everypony, I have an announcement!"
"You're not doing any shows on the island," Twilight flatly stated.
"WAIT!" Blast Fuse said. "Did you hear what she just said? She said 'I have an important announcement!' She didn't refer to herself in third-pony!"
*Gasp!* *Thpppth!*
"What is it, Trixie?"
"We have a problem, Twilight Sparkle. The ponies that were sick on the ship, they're still sick. And they're attacking everypony else!"
"Oh crap. Zombies again," Spike said. "Fusey, gimme one of Dustchu's Awesome Saws(patented Dustchu Technologies Inc.)."
Trixie shook her head. "It's worse than that." The curtain fell down behind them, crashing to the floor. Octavia and a group of ponies, all of whom had been seasick, were glaring angrily at Vinyl, Twilight and the others. Fluffle Puff deflated again.
"Shh," Cap quickly said. He looked at Phoenix, tapped his finger to his pursed lips. Phoenix understood that as the universal signal for quiet and complied. Cap crouched low, carefully vaulted over the desk and landed all without making a sound. He readied his shield and made signals with his free hand, signals to all of them that only Chris understood.
They understood, at least, to be quiet and follow him. The crouch-stepped across the foyer to the hall where the creaking had come from. There were no other sounds, nothing came from the hall. With Lightning's horn to lead them, they sneaked into the hallway.
Dan kept an eye on Khan, which was hard to do. If he was armed, he certainly wasn't showing it, if he had a means to escape, he hadn't mentioned it and if he wanted something from them, he made no indication of it. It was almost like he was genuinely trying to get them to trust him. Which made Dan distrust him even more.
Heel-toe, heel-toe, heel-toe, Cap's footsteps were spy-quiet. Lightning Claw and Reginald alternated opposite hooves- front/side and back/side to maintain the same level of quiet. Their horseshoes didn't make a noise on the hard-packed sand underneath them, that and it was damp. Water dripped down from the ceiling for some odd reason, more like a cave than a castle. Possibly damaged plumbing, some of them thought but none made a sound.
They came to a corner at the end of the hallway. To the right of it was another hall that ran perpendicular to the one they were in, one with a higher arched ceiling and more stained glass windows on the west side. Pretty standard setup for a castle; the hallway with the windows was the beginning of a wing of the castle. The rooms on the right were smaller utility rooms like small studies, libraries, a drawing or tea room, perhaps a single guest room. Furnishings would all follow a certain theme that would traditionally be carried throughout the wing. In this case, it was the moon.
They reached the end of the hall. Cap opened the door, light crept in but nothing else with it.
"Maybe it was the wind. Or something," Phoenix suggested.
"Possibly," Captain America said, closing the door. "Since we're here, we might as well explore this-"
*DUNN*
They spun around.
"Okay, how in the squee did we miss that?" Dan said. Abandoning stealth, he stomped over to the side wall. "That was not here ten seconds ago. No." An elevator opened in front of him.
"We all missed that?" Lightning Claw and Chris asked, at the same time. The two exchanged a glance. Yes, they both constituted the skeptical voice in the group.
"Perhaps it was disguised. Hidden from view," Khan mused.
"No. It wasn't there," Dan declared. The elevator doors tried to close, but Dan stuck a hand between them, preventing them from shutting. The doors slid open again, pouring light into the hall. "This castle is haunted. Where are the CMC? Aren't they like the Ghostbusters?"
"I don't think they brought their Ghost-busting gear with them, Dan," Phoenix said. "It's their vacation, too."
"Figures," Dan grumped. "We know who to call and we can't even call them. Righty, who wants to go on the spooky elevator first?"
"This is obviously a trap," Cap said.
"Exactly. And you're up first, Stevie. Thanks for volunteering."
Cap pinched his eyes shut. "Fine. We don't have any other plans, so I guess going in prepared is better than nothing. But we should leave part of our group here so they can get help just in case."
"Excellent and good thinking, Stevie. So-"
"Can I be on the stay team?"
"No, Nicky, you're with me."
"OBJECTION!" "SSSHHHH!" They all shushed him.
"Alright, alright. I just... felt like I should say something."
"Noted. Get in the spook-a-vator."
There was only room for four of them, anyway. Cap, Khan, Dan and Phoenix. Two men of vengeance, two men of justice. Tuxley and Reginald waved at them as the doors closed and they departed. At that moment, the door at the end of the hallway opened.
"What the-" "Get behind me! Get behind me!" Redfield opened fire.
Dan and the others didn't hear Chris firing at the uninvited guests. Because when the elevator doors closed, they had already traveled, in a sense, but not up or down. And at the same time, both.
Equestria Eastern Agony Sea
The elevator didn't feel like it was moving, but it sounded like it was. Cap still had his shield drawn. He sniffed the air.
"No toxins filtering in, none that I can smell, anyway. The floor isn't a trapdoor and the walls aren't closing in. Good signs."
"You have a bad experience with an elevator, too, Stevie?" Dan asked.
"Yes. Once," he said. In fact, that was around the time he met Dan, back when HYDRA had infiltrated SHIELD. Dan had been working for a contractor that was remodeling a base for the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. Unfortunately, due to HYDRA's involvement, Dan wasn't able to receive insurance benefits for his work as a subcontractor. Being Dan, he drove to SHIELD headquarters to complain in person. But that's a story for another day.
The elevator doors opened. What they opened to wasn't part of the castle, it was a beach. An entire beach.
"What... is this?"
"I'd say it was a vacation, but it doesn't look like any of you are here on holiday," a familiar voice said.
"You," Cap said. "You," Phoenix accused. "You," Khan asserted.
"Q, actually," the man said, standing up. Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, sandals, sunglasses and a straw hat, he handed his drink off to a girl in a grass skirt who disappeared off screen. "But friends just call me Q."
"Yeah, well, Q-ever you are, what's the deal with all this... this?" Dan asked.
"Ah, Dan, it is a pleasure to finely meet you. I've heard so much about you, but then again, who hasn't? You're not exactly one to keep a lid on things, are you? Even the important things," Q said. The man talked a mile a minute, seeming to answer his own questions as they formed. "Welcome to Fort Lauderdale's fabulous North Beach, featuring four-and-a-half miles of Florida's own Gold Coast, luxury hotels and dining, surfing, golf and the crisp, clear waters of the Atlantic." He inhaled deeply. "Ahh, you can practically smell the sauteed shrimp and condo developments from here."
"How did... did you bring us here?" Dan asked.
"He's Q, Dan," Cap said.
"Uh huh. What's that short for?"
"Q, but I like to keep things simple, informal. Just call me Q."
"Okay. First, stop TOUCHING me," he said, shoving him off. "Second, why are we HERE?"
"So hostile, Dan. Isn't this the vacation you wanted? Sun, fun, vintage 80s nostalgia?"
"Some of the buildings here haven't been renovated since the 80s," Phoenix commented. "It's a lot like L.A/Kyoto."
"I'm sure it is," Q said. "But isn't there something missing? Isn't something just a bit out of place?" He grabbed the lawyer and Cap by the shoulders and spun them around. "I can't quite put my finger on it, but something is missing."
"If you don't put me and my friends back where we were, there will be PIECES of you missing!" Dan said, shaking with rage.
"That's right! Friends!" Q exclaimed, as if Dan had just gotten a quiz question right. "Yes, it really isn't a vacation without ALL of your friends, is it?"
"I wouldn't know," Dan said, seething, "I had to take my friends PLUS others when I took off."
"Is that so? But isn't there someone you forgot? Someone you left behind?"
Phoenix thought. "Well, we left the mayor behind."
"No, not the mayor. Her vacation was you all leaving, remember?" Q said. "No, this a... certain individual who is a bit closer to you. Especially closer to you at heart."
They all thought. "Twilight's brother? And her sister-in-law?" Cap asked.
"No," Q said. "Try again."
Dan didn't care. "I don't care." And he said so. "I give up. Who is it?"
"Oh, come on. Think," Q encouraged. He hovered around them, careful not to touch Dan but trying to steer their thoughts ever-so-subtly. "He's a fun-loving companion. Loves to unwind, let loose, take a break from the rules. He may not listen to your orders," he said, grinning. "Ring any bells?"
"Is it, umm... ahh, that scientist fellow? The one with the gloves that's always goin' off about technology?" Gary Busey asked.
"Noooo," Q said.
"Can I have another hint?"
"No, Gary. C'mon, you guys. You know who I'm talking about!"
"I've got it!" Dan exclaimed.
"Yes, I knew you would," Q said happily.
"Yes! I realized! I still don't squeeing care!"
"Oh, for the love of Roddenberry, it's Discord!"
"Oohhh," they all went.
"Yes, class, yes, Discord. You came all this way and you forgot Discord." Q snapped his fingers. In a flash, everything disappeared and they were in another hall of the castle, but this one was lit. The man in a Hawaiian shirt calling himself Q had also disappeared... revealing himself to be a very familiar draconequus. "But Discord could never forget you."
"Oh, great, it's Discord."
"It is!" The being wrapped himself around the four humans, hugging them tightly. "I'm just overjoyed to see all of you again!"
"Too... tight..."
"Captain-urk! Please... your shield, remove-"
Discord released him. Behind him, the real Q got up from his lounge chair and took his drink from the same grass skirted girl. "See? I told you it would work."
"Oh, please," Discord said. "If you hadn't told them, they'd be guessing halfway through the Delta Quadrant by now."
Q simply smiled. "They're not exactly Picard, Janeway or Furlong but I'm sure you can get along with them. You all play nice, now. We'll be watching." He snapped his fingers and was gone. But Discord remained.
"So Dan, Phoenix, Steven and... I'm sorry, I don't know whether your name is just Khan or is shouted really loudly."
"Khan Noonien Singh," Khan said, smiling. Surprisingly, he shook Discord's lion's paw, which even Discord wasn't prepared for. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Discord, was it?"
"It was... and is," Discord said, timidly taking aback. "Oh, he's quite frightening, isn't he?" he leaned in, whispering to Dan.
"Get your face away from me. And yes, he is. Okay, so what are you DOING here?" Captain America didn't have any questions. Or at least, he didn't ask any. Instead, his attention was focused on one of the walls.
"I thought you were in the hospital," Phoenix said. "Recovering from your incursion into Vice Grip's base."
"We found one of his bases, too. Blew it up, saved the world, good stuff. No one got hurt. What's your excuse?"
Discord brought himself up to full height. "I admit I underestimated Vice Grip's repertoire. But since then, I've gained valuable information. For instance, I know where some of our friends are."
"Hey guys," Cap said, "There's something different here."
"Yeah, there's lighting in this place," Dan said. "Did you do that, Disco? Or is that-" There was a sound of something, voices, hooves coming from down the corridor.
"Well, that's something else I wanted to tell you. You see, this castle is, well, special," Discord said.
"It's coming from down here!" "Report this to command! We'll engage!" "Aye, sir!"
Cap readied his shield again. "We've got company. Dan, call the elevator."
"Elevator's gone," Phoenix said, touching the wall. "Again... or was it here before at all?"
"Discord! Put the elevator back!"
"That's what I'm trying to tell you!" Discord exclaimed. "My powers haven't exactly returned as of yet. Still recovering. That's why I had to ask for Q's help and honestly, I owe him more than one already and it was kind of a one-time thing that I-"
"DISCORD!" Dan grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. "Spit it out! What's going on with this place?!" Out of the corner of Dan's eye, he spotted the symbols that had been imprinted elsewhere in the castle, Celestia and Luna's cutie marks. Except their positions were reversed- Celestia's mark was large, dominant, overshadowing and Luna's was small, out of the way. A mirror image.
Two ponies appeared from around the corner. "Intruders!"
"Set phasers for stun! The Empress wants them alive!"
"Phasers?" Cap had time to ask the question before the first blast from the guard's lance struck his shield. Covered in futuristic-looking white armor with orange stripes, the second guard charged while the other fired.
"For the Solar Empire!!"
Discord looked back at Dan sheepishly. "By the way, we're in the Mirror Universe."
Captain America charged, using his shield to block the phasers. The charging guard made things too easy; he lunged at Cap with his lance, the tip of it sparkling and blue. Cap easily blocked the lance and then grabbed the guard, using the guard's own body as a shield to absorb phaser shots. The guard's own armor worked perfectly to soak up the phasers while Cap lifted him off his legs and threw him at the other guard.
"Graagh!"
"We need to move," Cap said. He took the weapons off the guards, but they seemed to have shut themselves off. They'd still work as melee weapons, however, so he tossed them to Phoenix and Khan.
"Get us back to our universe. Now," Dan ordered Discord.
"I can't! It's this castle, it works kind of like the mirrors in the Crystal Empire," Discord said. "And my powers are still on the fritz."
"So why did you pick just NOW to join us?!"
"Because! I have information for you! I know where some of our friends are! And they're here!" Discord said. "Vice Grip and the Director split them up, because they knew they'd eventually find a way out of they were kept together. That's what I did- divide and conquer, and Vice seems to be taking lessons right out of my own playbook, the cad."
"Yeah, he claims to be a genius but he's about as creative as Hollywood is these days."
"Aren't you from Hollywood?" Discord asked.
"Yes. I was speaking from experience."
"Ah."
"More of them are coming! Get ready!"
The pounding of armor-plated hooves rumbled from down the corridor. Just as the first group of storm pony troopers rounded the corner, the windows shattered as another group came crashing through. Finally, a third group teleported through the walls to appear behind them.
"For the Empire!"
"Squee your Empire!" Dan grabbed Discord and lunged at one of the troopers that came through the window. He tackled him, using the draconequus' stretchy body like shield, and smashed through the same window he came through.
Captain America wasted no time engaging the group that rounded the corner. The first one that charged at him, he jumped on top of, and then down, slamming his shield into the helmeted head of another. This put his shield arm in the perfect position to block the shots fired at him by the ones behind the first two, rush them and bring his shield into both their faces. The first one he jumped over finally spun around and was hit by Cap's shield as it came spinning down the hall at him. In true Captain America style, four enemies defeated in nearly the blink of an eye.
The last one looked up as Cap walked back over him. "For the... Empi-"
"Yeah, yeah, 'For the Empire,' we heard you the first time."
At the same time, Phoenix was dealing with the other two troopers that came through the windows. The two with lances thrusted at him, but jabbed the wall instead when the lawyer dodged. So sharp were their points that they penetrated and stuck. Armed with his own lance, Phoenix swept the legs out from under the first one and then cracked into the helmet of the second.
"These guys aren't that coordinated. Lucky us."
"Their tactics are similar to that of the foreign legions of ancient Rome or Greece," Khan mused. He held up one of the soldiers' broken helmets. "The first line charges in, supported by the second. Equal flanking numbers, multiple offensive vectors, even their armor is... reminiscent of that period. Curious."
"Yeah, probably because- woah." Phoenix turned to see the squad of soldiers that had teleported in behind them all beaten. The plates on their armor were shattered in places, broken by either their force of Khan's bare hands or him swinging them into each other. One of the soldier's had their horn penetrating the back of another, as if he'd been grabbed by his head and used like a crude spiked mace.
Khan was an augment- faster, stronger, smarter, genetically superior to average man in every way. In fact, curiously, he was very similar to Captain America, only with a massive ego to match his intellect. But his ego hadn't surfaced, not to them, not yet.
"They're, uh... you didn't..."
"They're alive," Khan said, smiling. "Worse for wear, perhaps but I know how to restrain myself, Mr. Wright."
"Ah. Umm... great."
Dan jumped back in through the window clutching two broken helmets and a Discord slung over his back. Speaking of restraint. "J-Team, we gotta go. They got more of these knockoff Roman robocops coming."
"Knockoff Roman robocops?" Khan asked. "Ah, you mean the legionaries."
"That sounds like a tongue twister," Phoenix said. "Knockoff Roman Robocops, knockoff Roman Robocops, Knockoff Roba- dammit."
"Discord!" Dan lifted Discord off him. "How do we get out? Where's that guy you were with?"
"Yabba-gabba-blurrrrrrggghhhaaa." His eyes swirled around his head, then somehow turned into coins and fell out through his mouth. "Exact change only, no refunds."
"Crap. Guys, I broke the Discord."
"Did you try contacting the GM?" Phoenix asked.
"No," Dan shook his head, working Discord's mouth. "Now, it won't even open when I want it to."
"You may need to reinstall."
"What are you both talking about?" Khan asked. He looked at the two of them, they shrugged.
"I wouldn't know. I still use AIM," Cap said. "Let's get out of here."
The four men walked over the horses of the apocalypse(symbolism yay!) and over to the door.
"Disco said something about the castle being the reason why we're here," Dan said. "Maybe if we try the other side, we can find something."
"They're hunting for us. And they know where we are," Cap said, reaching the door first. "We could go through the jungle and around the castle to lose them. I think that gives us the best advantage."
"If it's a mirror universe, doesn't that mean everything on the island is reversed?" Phoenix asked. "So, that would mean we're on the east side now?"
"We'll find out when we get outside," Dan said. "We stick together, keep moving, and I'm sure we can outwit these imperial idiots easily." Cap opened the door and they stepped outside together.
"Or not." And outside was a legion of Solar Empire legionaries. Their glowing blue phaser-lances were all aimed at the five of them. They didn't fire, but the smell of electricity from their glowing weapons was evident. High in the sky, oddly enough, was a solar eclipse, a few pegasi and griffons flying in formation and even a mirror Flutterbird. Dan thought that even in the mirror universe, it was a creepy vehicle.
There was silence for a few moments. Finally, seemingly undaunted, Dan stepped forward. "Okay Nicky, just like with the sea ponies. You take that side, I'll take-" They fired.
Dan woke up on the floor of some other room. It was still the castle, he thought at least, because the floor was the same hard-packed slightly cool and damp sand that had been in the rest of the castle... and mirror castle. He stood up and was immediately shocked by something so painful, he could only describe it as "AAAAUUUGGH!"
"Don't try to move too quickly," Cap said.
"We're in some kind of... field-thing," Phoenix said.
"Moving QUICKLY," Cap said. "And that might not be the only thing." They were in a small corridor, all four of them in the same space. A red cube of some kind of energy surrounded them, save for a barred wall directly facing them. They were in a cage.
"Y'all will have to forgive us, salt-licks," a familiar voice said. "We only got enough power for just one Agony Stall so... y'all 'll have to share."
"Applejack?" Phoenix asked. But then he thought, "Wait... no."
"Mirror Applejack," Dan corrected.
Mirror AJ grinned. "Shoot, y'all are smarter than ya look," she said, tipping up her black stetson. She wore a matching black jumpsuit, oddly like Future Twilight's outfit, but with an orange harness around it inlaid with gold. "Fancy seein' you again, Dan. O'course, we ain't exactly met, have we now?"
"No, a-course not," Dan said, mocking her. Real Applejack's accent was charming, but Mirror AJ's was grating. And most likely intentional.
Captain America folded his arms slowly. "I know an interrogation when I see one. So why not just kill us?"
M-AJ pulled up a stool at sat casually on it. "Well, it is mah job to wrangle information outta prisoners of the Solar Empire. When I'm not rustlin' cattle, that is."
"And what information is that?" Dan asked. "I can tell you a lot of things. Like, where you can stick that attitude. What you can do with that stupid hat. And where you can put any hope of us cooperating. It's all the same answer- up yours, pumpkin."
But Mirror Applejack just grinned. "Mighty feisty indeed, Dan. But even the orneriest cus tires eventually."
"Guys, don't tell these punks anything," Dan said. "This is a mirror universe. That means there's like, different versions of us but they're evil and ruthless and junk."
"And junk indeed," Mirror AJ said. "But y'all ever thought that maybe it ain't a difference between good'n evil? Maybe... we're all just a might bit more pragmatic than y'all are on the other side-a the mirr. Ya ever think that?"
"No," Phoenix said. "And if you're a mirror of AJ... I have to bet you're all about deception." (I don't even need the magatama to see through this act. She makes Flim and Flam look like ponies from the Mormon dimension.)
She got off her stool. "Awww, salt lick, be nice. We can help each other out. I take it y'all are in somethin' of a jam as well, right?"
The door slammed open. "Aaaaaaaaayyyy-jaaaayyyyyyyyyy," another, somehow even more grating voice rang, "like, what is taking so long? You should've, like, had what we needed from these bozos like hours ago."
"Oh gawd." (Gulp!)
Mirror Rarity sashayed in like she was expecting applause. The difference between Prime Rarity and Mirror Rarity were obvious- Mirror Rarity made Blueblood seem modest. Her mane was frayed collection of twisted purple with artificial glitter. Her makeup was all black and she used far too much of it, and her earrings were so large and gold they almost touched the floor, and so many were on her ears that they jingled when she walked. She turned to face them, shaking them all in a jingling motion.
"Can you make the thing shock me again? I'd like to go back to the physical torture now, thanks."
"Like, Daaaaaaan," she said again, different emphasis on his name. "Like, what are you like, doing in that cage with like, the other criminaaalls?" She put her hoof over her black lipsticked lips. "Oh-em-gee. Are you, like... a like... a... like-"
He looked at Phoenix. "If she says like again, just please, shoot me."
"With what?"
"Are you, like, a ghost?" Mirror Rarity asked.
"Naw," Mirror AJ answered for her. "He's from that... other universe. They all are, I reckon."
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Mirror Rarity said, longer than necessary for extra annoyance. It's even kind of annoying to read... and write. And narrate. "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww." See what I mean? Yeah, you do.
"See, our Dan is uh, no longer with us in the 'mortal' sense, salt licks."
"Stop calling us 'salt licks.'"
"Pfffft, that's like, her thing."
"STOP SAYING LIKE!" Dan yelled. "NO ONE EVEN DOES THAT IN MY UNIVERSE ANY MORE!"
"Like, it IS nice to see Dan again. Our Dan, like, diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeddddddduh," Mirror Rarity said, emphasizing an underbite for no squeeing reason at all.
The door slammed open again. "What's taking so long? Are you dolts messing things up again?"
"Another one. It's another one!" Dan grabbed Phoenix. "HIT ME WITH SOMETHING REALLY REALLY HARD!"
"Dan, I can't- AAARRRGGH"
"GAAAAAAAAAHHH!" They were both shocked by the field and fell.
Another almost-familiar face walked in just as they got up. Well, walked is kind of a strong word- she staggered.
"Hittin' the bottle kinda hard, ain't ya?"
"Shut up, Applejack," Mirror Twilight said, steadying herself. "It's a squeeing vacation. What am I supposed to do?"
"Like, save some for the rest of usssssssssssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-*zip*. MMm. MMM! Mmmm-mmm!" Mirror Rarity's lips were literally zipped courtesy of Mirror Twilight's magic.
"Thank you," Dan said. "I hate you. But thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Still hate you."
"Awesome," she turned to her 'friends.' "You two, get lost. I'm still the inquisitor so I'll be the one interrogating the prisoners."
"Fffft," Mirror AJ said. "Drunk or sober, yer no fun, 'light." She waved at the humans. "Adios, migos."
"Mmmmmmm-mmmmmmmmmmmmmm-pleh," Mirror Rarity said, spitting out the zipper. "Like, byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" The door slammed again behind them.
Mirror Twilight rolled her eyes. "Well. It's good to see you again. Dan. I guess."
"The feeling isn't mutual," Dan said back.
"Wait," Phoenix said. "Do you two actually know each other? I mean... you've both met?"
"Back when we were in the Crystal Empire," Dan said, "I found a mirror in this room of the palace when we were removing all of Vice Grip's machine junk. I was able to visit the Mirror Universe briefly. That's when I met her."
"Mmm-hmm," Twilight said. "And the first thing you did after setting foot in my house was deck your counterpart for his choice in shoes."
"And I'd do it again if that greasy croc-wearing punk shows his face near me," Dan declared.
"Well, that's not going to be that easy- he's dead. As you might've heard." And then there was quiet. As if they were all waiting for Dan's reaction to the death of his mirror counterpart. Dan shrugged, and barely shrugged at that, hardly moving his shoulders at all. The words "Big whoop" came to mind but Dan didn't say anything. Or care.
"So Mirror Dan is dead?" Phoenix asked.
"I bet someone killed him because of his stupid shoes."
"More like a knife in his chest. That he threw, then it came back to him," Twilight said. Her half-lid eyes lazily focused on the group.
Phoenix stepped closer to her. "I'm sorry for your loss."
"I'm not."
"Dan, please." He knelt down a bit, slowly. "I'm... assuming there's a mirror version of me. I'm guessing you've met?"
"Mm-hmm. He's the worst prosecutor in the multiverse, but he's a good blackmailer. Unless Writhe N. Payne figures him out," Twilight said. "That's the way it is, though. Equestria... my Equestria, anyway, gets all the worst stuff. Including me," she said, grimacing a little.
"Well, uh, you can probably deduce I'm a pretty good defense attorney," Phoenix said. "Some might even say an... ace attorney, heheh." Absolute crickets.
"I'll bet. Yeah, so, I need to know a few things and I'm gonna need you all to tell me," Mirror Twilight said. "You can figure out what happens if you don't."
"You don't seem to like it here," Phoenix said, continuing.
She raised an eyelid at him. "What do you mean? I'm actually on vacation."
"Here. I mean, here in this... universe," Phoenix said.
"Our Twilight has wings," Dan said, beaming. "And she can fly. And she's awesome and powerful and pretty much rules the whole kingdom and we're her best friends."
"It's not MY fault, okay?" Mirror Twilight said. "I had the SAME spell, the SAME test but squeeing Starswirl the squeeing Balding sabotaged it! I lost HALF my magical power in a single instance. Has your- your Twilight even gone a day without her powers? Or friends?"
"Yes, and-" Cap and Khan covered Dan's mouth, zipping his own lips.
"Like I said, it doesn't seem like you like it here," Phoenix said.
"And what of it?"
"Well uh, I'm saying... you don't have to stay here." Her other eyebrow raised as he said it. "Help us out of here. You can come with us."
"NICKY!" Dan grabbed his arm, another jolt hit them but smaller this time. "GAHRR. Nicky, what are you doing?"
"OW, I mean, I'm trying to be diplomatic."
"She's EVIL. She's an evil Twilight. Everything in this universe is evil. She's just using us."
"I..." Phoenix thought about it for a moment. "I don't think so."
"Nicky-"
"Dan, if there's any..." he turned back at her. Then he turned between the both of them. "If there's any part of you... anything like our Twilight. No, not even, if there's any part of YOU that's good... please, you have to understand this isn't right."
Mirror Twilight rolled her eyes again and hopped off the stool. "I think our versions of right are mirrored. But have it your way- no more torture. The Empress wants to speak to you anyway. You can tell her yourselves."
"The Empress?" Whether it was Celestia or Luna, or somepony else, none of them knew.
"Yep. And by the way, you might want to be a bit more cooperative- you left something in this universe when you were here last, Dan," Mirror Twilight said, opening the door.
"Twilight! Please! Think about it!" Phoenix yelled, gripping the bars. And she stopped in the door way to look back at him. "Listen to me... you don't have to stay here. I know you failed but... but we can help!"
Mirror Twilight looked down at the floor for a moment. "Is... in your universe..." the words were hard for her. "In your universe, am I an alicorn princess?"
"Yes," Phoenix said. A single nod, nothing more. "And I'm sure she could help you."
Mirror Twilight continued staring at the floor. Then, she finally looked up. "Sounds like a fantasy to me." She closed the door in more ways than one.
"OBJECTION!!" Phoenix yelled. But she was gone, as were their hopes of getting out.
"Nicky," Dan said.
"Dan, why did you have to do that?"
"Nicky,"
"We were SO CLOSE to getting her to help us out? Do you honestly have to be so... absolute with absolutely everything at every time?!"
"Nicky,"
"What?!"
Dan pointed. In the cell across from them were two ponies lying on the floor, unconscious. The real Applejack... and the real Pinkie Pie.
"AJ!! PINKIE!!" Dan continued yelling at his friends, even as the Solar guards came to take him and his friends to the Empress. "You tase me again and I'll- AARRGH!" They tased him again. It wasn't exactly electricity but some kind of other magic and energy combined, a reddish glow to it. Stung and burned about evenly.
"Silence. Move!" the guards ordered. There hands were bound before they were marched out of the cages. The binders all had bands on them which glowed the same reddish color as the forcefield cage they'd been trapped in. It didn't take much to realize they had the same shocking, stinging, burning energy-magic the taser-phasers did. However, being thorough, Dan took it upon himself to confirm their suspicions the only way he knew how.
"I'm gonna rip your heads off. I'M GONNA TEAR YOUR SPINE OUT THROUGH-ALRALALRLALRRR!"
"Up. Up, now," the guards shocked him as he writhed on the floor. Cap, Phoenix, Khan and even the now-conscious Discord could do nothing but watch.
Dan felt the red energy stinging his teeth. It was like being punched, burned and shocked all at once. To the Solar Empire, the energy-magic was simply called agony, because that's what it was. Designed to inflict the maximum amount of pain possible, it was based on Terran Empire technology captured during the war. Combined with Solar Empire's own pain-inducing spells, which were already similar in nature, weapons like the agony phasers and shields were common place, used on disruptive Terrans and ponies alike. Their potency was well-known.
They were walked to the door and filed out of it. Another pair of white-armored ponies were on the other side. Their masks were down, obscuring their faces behind black visor-helmets streaked with orange.
"Sod, why aren't you at your post?"
"Minister Trixie's orders, sir," the dog explained, handing the armored stallion a rolled grey parchment. "Duty-switch, sir. All sols are to report to ready stations, sods take over off-duties." Sols- short for soldier, Solar Imperial or both. Sod- soldiers or workers that weren't slaves but weren't citizens either.
"Hmm," the guard looked over the parchment. He then looked up at the other stallion, then back down to the paper. "She must be expecting something."
"Could be," the other guard said.
The first soldier finally returned the parchment. "Just be sure you keep an eye on these Terrans. They're more dangerous than the usual scum."
"Oh, absolutely, absolutely."
"Yes sir, me brother and I have everything well in-hoof." They stepped to the side so the first two guards cold pass.
When they were gone, and because the new troopers didn't immediately order them forward, Khan asked a question.
"You two are brothers?"
"Yep!" Their helmets flipped up. "He's Flim!" "I'm Flam!" "And we're the Flim Flam Brothers!" "Most helpful ponies this side of the empire!"
"Mirror Flim and Flam," Phoenix remarked. "So, you two are helpful?"
They nodded proudly. "Yes, indeedy! No oddjob too hard, no hardjob too odd!" "We have a reputation as Equestria's most helpful ponies. And we never ask for anything in return!" "Give without expecting to receive and you can find yourself with a wealth of return!"
"Altruist Flim and Flam!" Discord exclaimed. "Now I have seen everything."
"Yeah," Cap said. "The Flim and Flam from our universe tried to sell me citizenship to Equestria. And fine me for walking on the grass."
"Scammed?" Flim and Flam both said, followed by a simultaneous shudder. "Goodness, I'd never condone such a thing." "Scams are without a doubt the most under-hoofed thing you can do." "We're terribly sorry, chaps, for the problems our counterparts caused you." "Yes, yes, let us make it up to you! The true Flim Flam way!"
Dan looked at Phoenix for a very long time. Eyelashes almost batting at him, eyes wide and shimmering with something akin to hope or expectation. It took Phoenix a moment to notice him, but less time to understand what his look meant.
"No, no. We're not switching them with our Flim and Flam."
"That's not- hey, that's a good idea. I was just going to say we should take them back with us-"
"No."
"Nicky, c'mon, don't be like that. We should at least ask them first."
"Actually-" "We're gonna need you boys to come with us." "The Empress IS expecting you, after all." "Wouldn't be nice to keep her waiting." "Sure wouldn't."
"But... you're nice," Phoenix said. He looked between the two of them,lip trembling, a pleading look in his eyes.
They nodded. "Indeed!" "We certainly try our best." "Nopony's perfect." "And we certainly don't judge." "No sirree."
"But you said you'd make it up to us," Phoenix continued. "That's right, you did. I was there," Dan added.
"That's right, we did!" "Here!" The brothers levitated to them a few things that had been lost to them- their weapons. Cap's shield, Dan's cane, Phoenix's umbrella and Khan's phaser.
"Don't I get a weapon? Just because I have the powers of chaos at my command doesn't mean I would turn down an appropriate armament," Discord said. But the pair shrugged.
"You're annoying. That's armament enough," Dan said. He held up his cane, looking at his wrists. His hands were still bound. "You gave us our stuff back. That's one point. You didn't take off the restraints. That's minus two points."
"Sorry. Still have a job to do." "And Flim and Flam always make sure a job is done right!" "No half-measures or cutting corners. Only top-quality, guaranteed!"
Dan was looking at Phoenix again, staring into his soul. His unspoken words were, No one would have to know. Phoenix shook his head silently. (I'd know. And I'd hate myself for doing it. I hate myself for not doing it, but slightly less than I would if I'd done it.)
(Only slightly?) Dan's inner dialogue voice asked, as the human grinned a sly, round-toothed grin.
(Shut up.) Following Mirror Flim, the pair entered the Mirror Foyer.
Everything was slightly whiter, shinier in the Mirror Sand Castle. The lights were electric, portraits of Empress Celestia and statues of the Fausticorn... or the Mirror Fausticorn adorned the alcoves here. Instead of the cherished memories of two sisters, displayed were monuments and testaments to the glory and power of Empress Celestia, whether they were true or not. Elaborate paintings showed her fighting dragons inside a volcano, battling and subjugating yaks and deer. The image of Empress Celestia was one of unstoppable might, but it hinted at something Phoenix noticed.
The Fausticorn, the supposed deity responsible for creating Equestria and all its creatures, was usually ponsonified as an alicorn with a messy, unkempt and free mane. Creativity such a passion for her that even her mane and tail were unbridled, and it was rumored that like Twilight, she struggled with her wings and even magic at times. But the Mirror Fausticorn had a straight, flat mane and tail. Uniform, parted equally on both sides. Apart from that, however, they were identical.
Empress Celestia had the same style of mane and tail... where Princess Celestia and the Prime Fausticorn were different. The Empress also had a streak of cranberry red that ran the length of her body, from her mane to the base of her horn, down her neck and both sides across her body through her tail. Artificial or natural, it was unknown.
The Sand Castle, the entire resort island in Prime Equestria was a summer retreat for Princess Celestia and Luna, or had been years ago. The Mirror one was something else entirely. They were about to find out what.
Flim turned to the entrance. "We're not going to see the Empress?"
"We are. She's this way."
"She's not like, in a throne room or something?" Dan asked.
"There is no throne room here," a soldier guarding the hall said, loud enough to hear them. "The Empress guides. The Empress protects."
"We get it. Empress does what Nintendon't," Dan said.
"I've seen such... devotion before," Khan mentioned.
"So have I. In Nazi Germany," Cap added. "I didn't always see it in the Nazis, though. It's not limited to just totalitarian regimes."
"Let's not keep the Empress waiting, fellas." The not-sales ponies led the four humans through the mirror of the same entrance they'd went in just an hour or so ago. More troopers lined the hall, standing at attention, imperceptible from behind their bulbous helmeted heads. Phoenix recognized a couple of the troopers, or at least he thought he did, from their armor. A few of the guards had the same fist-sized breaches that Khan had made... when he fought them.
Flim opened the doors and they stepped out into the Mirror Island. And it was raining.
"You guys don't get pegasi to manage your weather?" Dan asked, irritated.
"The storm's a cover. It's made to look random to conceal our position. Besides, we need the water," Flam said over the rain. It came down in buckets, as it usually did on regular Equestria. More guards stood at attention, unflinching even in the torrents that came down. Water beaded on their armor like on the finish of Dan's car in a car wash, the few times he took it some place to wash it.
Phoenix used his umbrella as an umbrella rather than a blunt object. Cap used his shield, while Khan didn't seem to mind the rain. Dan made use of the other tool they brought- Discord, as a makeshift umbrella. Discord wasn't in a position to disagree.
Flim led them through the storm into the main area. As suspected, everything was 'mirrored' from the way it had been in regular Equestria. The buildings were on their right, the east side rather than the west. But that wasn't the only difference- there were fences in between and around the buildings. And they were all uniform, right up to the guard towers. One of the signs, obscured by the rain read in bold Botany Bay Imperial Correctional Facility.
"This looks like a prison," Cap said. "Flam... let me guess, this is a penal colony?"
"As far as we can tel when we found it. We've only been here a couple days," Flam said.
That made Phoenix think. "Not exactly the first place I'd pick for a vacation."
"Ha! No complaints here, Nick."
Phoenix turned to Flam. "So what brought you here?"
"Errr..."
"Let's get out of the rain, fellas," Flim cut his brother off. "You can ask the Empress yourself. And uh, maybe don't mention we gave you your weapons back."
"Right," Dan said. They went into the prison compound, which looked a lot like an Imperial Japanese prison compound straight out of World War 2. Canvas tarps had been hung across the tops of the fences to create makeshift roofing, and it helped marginally. Flim led them to a pair of longer buildings, marked Mess A and Mess B respectively.
"Are you sure that's the right one, brother?" "Errm, no?" "Well, fifty-fifty chance either way." "Right you are, brother," Flim opened the door and they entered. Inside, the roar of the outside wind and rain was replaced by the clangor and clamor of eating. Griffons and pegasi flew overhead, ground-bound ponies sat at tables. Almost all had bowls of food, hard rolls and tin cups to drink from. None of them paid much attention to the new arrivals. They were loud, seemed to be enjoying themselves, talking, laughing, even gambling. A few of the pegasi and griffons exchanged food volleys, slinging their bowls at each other.
But the most remarkable thing about the group of Imperials was what were among them- humans.
A dark-skinned woman with spiked green hair and sunglasses staggered by them. "Oi, you lot look like ya been out in it, eh?" The smell of wine lingered on her question.
"The heck did she say?" Dan asked.
"Yes, but they're scheduled for a break in a half-hour," Flim said. "This isn't the officer's mess?"
"Nah," she said, taking a long drink from her tin. "Nexdoor, mate."
"Ah, thank you."
"'mpress proteks," she said, tilting her glass up. They backed out the door again and trotted to the other mess.
Again, Flim opened the door slowly. But in this mess hall, there was no uproarious sound of mealtime eating. There was no loud conversation, there were no fliers buzzing about. There were humans here, too but all were silent. They looked to the door at Dan, Phoenix and the others. The two guards standing just inside the door already had their weapons drawn and lowered at them.
"Uh-um, we're here for the-" Flim unrolled the parchment, but before it could completely unfurl it was incinerated. The phaser lance of one of the troopers at the table was smoking and now aimed at Flim's head.
"They may enter," the Empress said. Not on a throne, not at a raised table or even at the head of the table, Celestia stood up from a seat somewhere in the middle of the hall. As soon as she had ended her sentence, the guards had resumed eating. She stood up from the table and walked towards them.
Ruler of the Solar Empire Empress Celestia Empress-in-Exile
Flim and Flam instinctively kneeled. Dan, Phoenix, Khan, Cap and Discord needed encouragement.
"Bow, Terran."
"GAH!" Dan was zapped. He fell to his knees, involuntarily kneeling.
She walked over to them slowly. None of them, not Flim or Flam, no one said a word. Every single one of her hoofsteps could be heard as she strode toward them. Dan looked up to her. And his eyes narrowed as they met hers. For a moment, she stood over them, seeming to examine them.
"They were disarmed when they were captured."
"Ummm, yes, Empress. We thought it prudent, that, since they were to serve you, that they shou-" Flam exploded in a flash of light before he could finish his sentence. His armor, his weapon, his clothes, all fell to the floor.
"Holy squee!" Dan said.
"You will speak when spoken to," Celestia replied. To Flim, not to Dan. "Speak."
"Empress, we... we thought it prudent to rearm them. So that they may bett-be-better serve you, your lordship."
"I understand," she said. Flim exploded. As before, everything on him was left behind.
"HEY!" Dan yelled. He got on his feet. "Where the squee do you get off? He was just-GAAH!" Both guards jabbed him in the back.
"Take them to the administration office," Celestia said. Her voice was soft and cold. She then turned and walked back to her meal.
"Up. Now," the guard ordered. And again, Dan and the others were marched out into the rain.
The administration office was near a guard tower at the camp entrance. They were marched in a straight line, the new guards did not follow the covered path and instead took the direct route. When they reached and entered the small cabin, they were damp. The guards let them inside and the door was closed behind them.
"What the heck was that?" Dan asked.
"That was the Empress," Phoenix answered. "Celestia's power in a whole new package. One that's not afraid of using them to their full potential."
"I'm not sure what that was," Cap said, extremely concerned. "Execution, some kind of teleportation or what. Whoever she is, we need to exercise extreme caution around her. Let's scan the room."
"Good idea, Stevie. We're alone, let's get something to clobber her with when she comes in through the door!"
Khan folded his arms. "Assuming she comes in through the-" A flash exploded in the middle of the room. Empress Celestia appeared behind the desk. They were all silent again.
"You are from the other universe," she said. "The mirror universe, correct? The Kingdom of Equestria exists there."
"It-it does," Phoenix said.
"What is your problem, lady?" Dan asked. Unafraid, he rushed the desk to jab his finger in her face. "You blew up the WRONG Flim and Flam, peppermint. If you'd blown up my Flim Flam Brothers, I might've even thanked you for it but not now. Those were NICE guys. You unexplode them right-"
"They are perfectly fine," Empress Celestia said. A portal opened near her head of the first mess hall they'd entered. The two brothers, in dark green coveralls, were in line for food. The girl with the spiked hair patted them on the back. The portal closed.
"So you teleported them? That's it?"
"We're not in a position to dole out punishment," Empress Celestia said, putting her hooves together on the desk. "Or to waste time." Her voice had more emotion in it now. "I'll be frank- we need something from you."
"And what is that?" Dan asked.
"You're in trouble, aren't you?" Phoenix asked, having put it all together. "This... all of you being here, at this place. You're not here on vacation like we are."
She paused for a moment to look at Phoenix. "You are more clever than the Phoenix Wright of our universe."
(Undoubtedly. Heh.) "So why are you out here on a penal colony?"
Celestia paused again. She clicked her front hooves together before finally saying, "It's mostly because of your universe. If we're having... difficulties, I can imagine you are having similar difficulties? Problems in your kingdom?"
"Somewhat, yes. Your, uh, problem wouldn't happen to be a pony named-"
"Dr. Vice Grip," Celestia said.
"I thought as much. He's a doctor in this universe?"
She nodded. "He is, or was, a very gifted surgeon. Unfortunately, our version of Dan and members of the resistance drew him into the conflict we were having. Cel- I mean errmm," she cleared her throat. "I was forced to take drastic actions-"
Phoenix noticed something. But Dan was the first to jump on it. "You're not Celestia," he said.
"What? I am Empress Celestia, daughter of the Eternal and Beyond, sister-"
"Drop the act," Dan, even with his hands bound, raised his cane.
"Okay! Okay!" Celestia erupted in a flash of green. And Chrys... or the mirror of her at least, took her place. "Man, you are volatile. You're nothing like our Dan at all."
"Thank you," he took it as a compliment. "Uncuff me." She did so. "And now, tell me what in this tyrannical little slice of pie is going on."
"Do the guards know? Your soldiers," Captain America said. He looked out through the window, then back at Chrys. "They have no idea, do they?"
"The higher-ups know. Twilight knows," Mirror Chrys said. "The rest... they can't know."
"Because they'd rebel," Cap surmised. "Once the head falls, the rest comes tumbling down."
"Cut off one head and two more will take its place," Chrys said, almost casually. "Or so the Empress says."
Cap narrowed his eyes. "She said that? The name Johann Schmidt wouldn't mean anything to you, would it?"
"Not really. Is he a Terran like you?"
Cap's first instinct was to say flat-out "no, he's nothing like me" but instead he managed, "he is a Terran from Earth like me."
"Eh, I don't really associate with your kind that much. A bit beneath me," Chryz said. "So I guess I should start from the beginning."
"That would be helpful," Phoenix said. So she told them. While she explained to the lawyer, Dan, Cap and Khan all tinkered with their restraints. Dan only had one thing on his mind. Or precisely, two. Maybe more. But mostly, two.
Mirror Dorkly: You AND Your Fascist Horse World Problems
"When Dr. Vice Grip saw his hospital had been burned by the Solar Empire troops, it sent him into a rage," Chyz explained. "But he didn't attack us immediately. Celestia and Luna were on Terra, dealing with the war with the Terrans. So he did something ingenious."
"That's not our Vice Grip, then," Dan said. "Ours is a dumbass that pretends to be a genius."
"That's not really important, Dan," Phoenix said.
Dan disagreed. "Oh, I disagree, Nicky. I think it's pretty important."
"I'm with Nick on this one, Dan," Cap said.
"See?"
"Fine, fine," Dan conceded. "I just want it on the record that Vice Grip is a dumbass."
"The smart one, probably a nice guy." "Shut up, Dan!"
"-couldn't get to the Empresses. So he did the next best thing and hit us where it hurt the most. Our war supplies," Chryz said. Thunder crackled outside, punctuating her statement. "The Saddle Arabian barons in Oil City are the Solar Empire's closest allies. Or they were, until Vice razed Oil City to the ground."
(Something similar happened to Oasis City just after the Christmas episode. Maybe they happened at the same time.) "Continue."
"Without our supplies, the Empresses couldn't finish conquering the Terran Empire. They had to return to Equestria, which is exactly what the doctor wanted. But they knew they were heading into a trap, so they tried to buy Vice off by telling him some of his friends from his hospital were still alive," Chryz explained. She shrugged adding, "They weren't, but he had no way of knowing that. He called their bluff and attacked them anyway. The battle destroyed Canterlot."
"And I'm guessing that's when the princess-err, Empresses, disappeared, right?"
"Very perceptive, Nicholas. Yes and... after that, the Resistance became emboldened," Chryz said. "That's when I became Empress Celestia. To maintain order and discipline, Twilight and I created the ruse that Celestia was leading the Solar Empire still and that it was only Luna who was defeated. If they the truth they would-"
"Dan, stop."
"Whaaat?" His foot was halfway out the door. "I wasn't going to tell anybody."
"Dan, don't lie."
"Technically, I wasn't lying," he said, stepping back inside. "I was going to tell everybody."
Chryz closed and locked the door with her magic. "That would be bad for all of us, I assure you. The Solar Empire is the only order this planet has ever known. To try to destabilize that would be very destructive indeed."
"I always thought a little revolution, now and then was a good thing," Cap commented. He thought about quoting Thomas Jefferson, but decided against it.
"Here it's a very bad thing," Chryz said, her tone still serious.
"How bad?"
"Without the Solar Empire, the entire planet would collapse. Every species, every creature for itself," Chryz said. "It would be like the destruction of our universe itself. Very little would survive such a fallout."
(Fallout... Equestria? Again?) "A single revolution would destroy your whole world?" Phoenix asked. Chryz nodded solemnly. "A single idea... or an individual," he said, looking over at Dan, who was scratching himself on the corner of the doorway at the time. (Was Dan the catalyst of our own Equestria?) "How did Dr. Vice Grip defeat the Empresses?"
Chryz looked directly at the lawyer. She said nothing for a moment, as if weighing the options in her head. Finally, she took a breath and said, "We sent our Dan on a mission to retrieve a weapon, a weapon from your universe. We had no idea he was meaning to betray us all along, but when we suspected they joined the Resistance, we destroyed Vice's hospital. We thought that would be the end of it, but Vice Grip returned. With the weapon."
"What weapon?" Phoenix asked.
She shook her head. "It's a machine of some kind, very big and very powerful."
"Oh! Ohhhhh!" Dan hopped. "I know what it is!"
"They called it a Magic Gear," Chryz said. "Our own weapons are-"
"Wait wait wait wait wait wait," Dan held up both hands, still bound. "How many?"
She raised an eyebrow. "How many what?"
"How many Magic Gears? Because the current record's like two or three at a time," Dan said.
She shook her head. "There's- there's only one two our knowledge. How many-"
"Hold up," Dan stopped her, "Let me get this straight. You guys got your plots handed to you by one Magic Gear? Just one?"
"I..." she squinted, trying to understand what he was saying even though she already did. "I don't see how that's relev-"
"Pffffffffffff! You were beaten by just ONE Magic Gear? Ha... hahahahaha!" Dan pointed and laughed at her, which was somewhat a feat since his hands were locked at the wrists. Still, he managed. "HAHAHAHAHA."
"HAAAAHAHAHAHA!" Dan laughed louder, as could be expected. "Are you kidding me? Even Nicky's managed to bust one of those things up."
Phoenix's arm instinctively went to the back of his neck as he failed to suppress his usual bashful grin. "Well, to be honest, I did have a bit of help and all I did was hit a button." (It still counts, though.) Phoenix's Psyche-Gauge increased with his confidence.
"Seriously, what kind of evil Empire are you guys? I beat the first Magic Gear by YELLING at it!"
Chryz averted her eyes. "We have heard they are vulnerable to sound..."
"And apparently you fascist failures are vulnerable to tinker toys! Your Empress got her butt kicked by a toy for little girls! Hahahahaha!"
"Heh..haha," Phoenix couldn't help but chuckle.
"It's a weapon of mass destruction!" Chryz yelled. "It's not a toy for little girls!"
"Apparently, little girl's toys are more complicated," Cap said. Both Phoenix and Dan burst out laughing. Even Khan cracked a smile.
"HAHAHAHA! Good one, Stevie!"
"ENOUGH! Your playing around is-"
"Too difficult for your universe?" Phoenix grinned. "I'm sorry if the Magic Gear was too complicated. Maybe next time, you can get a toddler's toy from our universe."
"Nick, I think they might need supervision from our universe either way," Cap added, smirking. Dan fell over laughing. Chryz's face turned bright red.
"Stop it! Stop making fun of the Solar Empire!" She levitated Cap, Khan and Phoenix into the air.
Leaving Dan to continue making fun of the Solar Empire. He opened the door to the outside to point and laugh at the guard troopers. "Ha! HAHAHAHAHA! You guys suck! HAAAHAHAHA!"
"Get- get back in here! Where are you even going?!"
"I was gonna get some food. Don't worry- I won't order off the kid's menu in case the toy is a threat to your regime!"
Chryz was in disbelief. She shook her head. "Are we even still talking about the same thing?"
"That depends," Cap said. "Are you still afraid of a toy for little girls?"
"IT'S NOT. A TOY."
Cap grinned. "Okay, fine, it's an action figure." They all broke out laughing. Even Khan, no longer able to maintain his composure.
The door still open, the two guards peeked in. And they saw Chryzaliz instead of their Empress. "My... lord?"
"Uggh." Evil Chrys rolled her eyes and teleported both of them. "All this crap I don't need."
"Yes, fascist horses have special needs," Dan said. More laughter. But Chryz was done joking. Her magic seized him and dragged him by his shoes back inside, the door slammed shut. This Chryz was clearly less-restrained when it came to using spells, most likely to compensate for Mirror Twilight's lack of magical prowess.
"That's. Enough," she said. "If you're so confident in your ability to break this "toy" than we have use for you. It's why you were brought here." She sat them down in front of her. "And more to the point, you developed a weapon potent enough to destroy the Magic Gear with ease. The Bass Cannon. We want it."
"Viny's Bass Cannon? Oh yeah. That thing shorted out the Mini Gears."
"Mini Gears?" Chryz asked.
"Eeyep. Same Magic Gear but fun-sized. Great for snugglin'," Dan explained.
"And the weapon was effective against-"
"It could still kick your Empire's ass."
Chryz pinched her eyes. "The point is, we need your Bass Cannon and our sea ponies back."
"Back?" Phoenix asked. "Oh... the sea ponies. You mean the ones attacking us?"
Chryz nodded, smiling slyly. "Yes, those same sea ponies you're fleeing from. They're ours," she approached Dan. "No jokes this time? Why, I could make fun of you for getting your butts kicked by a bunch of goldfish. Ahahaha!"
"Yeah, except-"
"I'll be sure to order a pizza without any sardines. Because you were beaten by fish! Hahahaha!" She had a snob laugh. Also-
"There's one thing, though," Dan said.
"What's that, fish-bait?"
Dan smiled even more slyly. "We beat the sea ponies. Made fishsticks out of 'em."
"Oh," her smile faded. "So... you weren't pushed out of your version of Ponyville?"
"Nope. We're on vacation," Phoenix said.
"Ha. You still suck," Dan added.
"Look. We're stuck on this island. Vinyl Scratch's Sonic Shield is the only thing preventing them from finding us. That, and the bad weather."
(Our Vinyl Scratch created the Bass Cannon. Obviously, their Vinyl made a shield instead. For all their faults, they seem to be a similarly formidable group. They have their own problems and they've banded together, using their own unique talents to solve them just like we do. They've even come up with their own plans despite their lack of Dan.) "If they're YOUR sea ponies, how did they get to OUR Equestria?"
"Hmmph. Someone summoned them to your world. That's why we came out here- to find them. We need reinforcements after losing Canterlot," Chryz said. "But it's obvious they aren't here, despite what she said. Figures."
"What who said?" Phoenix asked. "You mean..."
"It stands to reason both our groups are out here for similar reasons. It also stands to reason we're here because of similar individuals. So the same pony that told us we could find the sea ponies out here in our world would probably be the same pony that summoned them to yours, their counterpart," Chryz said. "So it has to be-"
*BLANG* Discord knocked her out with one of the phaser-lances. "Yes! I got her!"
"Discord!" The four humans yelled at him.
"Your timing couldn't have been more poor, Discord," Khan said. "We were about to find out the identity of the culprit who was responsible for our current circumstances."
"Oh. Whoopsie~," he giggled. "At any rate, let me get you out of those binders."
"Seriously, Discord, you couldn't have waited like, two more seconds?" Phoenix asked.
"I'm sorry. Goodness, so gruff. I thought I was helping, getting that impostor to shut up," he said, folding his arms.
Dan stomped around to the other side of her desk. "Disco is right. And we've really reached our quota for fascist horses and their fascist horse world problems, fascist bug horse not-my-girlfriend included. We're here for another reason."
"And that is?" Cap asked.
Dan held up a set of keys. "To get our friends back. Nicky, explain the priorities list."
"Number-one, get our friends back."
"Good."
"Number-two," Phoenix continued, "Get Vice Grip."
"Excellent, and?"
"Number-three, destroy all who get in our way."
"Exactly," Dan said. "Fascist horse problems are not on that list."
"I understand," Cap said. "But what are we going to do about this universe?"
"Uh, leave. Screw this place. I thought that was self-explanatory," Dan said. He picked up the unconscious form of Queen Chryzaliz and propped her against the door. "We're gonna get Pinkie and AJ and then we're getting out of here. We'll get the Blasties to blow up the Sand Castle so we won't ever have to worry about this creepy fascist universe ever again."
An alarm sounded. "Okay, and now we have to do it on the double," Dan said. He walked back around to the desk. "Maybe there's something in here that can-AAAAHH!" Mirror Opal leaped out of a drawer and latched onto his face. "AAHH GET IT OFF! GET OFF ME!!"
"MRRRAWW! MRRRROOOW!" The black cat clawed into Dan's scalp the way only cats can.
"Onyx, down," Mirror Rarity said. They turned to see her standing in the doorway with Mirror Applejack and a gun trained on them. "Like, so hope you boys didn't think it was going to be that easy."
Back on regular Equestria, Twilight and friends weren't having near as much fun as Dan and the others were having in the Mirror Universe.
"Get behind me! Get behind me!" Chris shouted. Twilight with Spike on her back came crashing through the east door followed closely behind by Trixie and Vinyl Scratch riding of all things, Vinyl's Bass Cannon. And right behind them was all their other friends, except they were trying to murder them.
Chris and Tuxley fired from their respective rifles. Rubberized rounds, as most of Chris' ammo had somehow changed from a lethal to non-lethal variety since coming to Equestria, not that it mattered anyway because shields blocked his shots. Still, it slowed them down, so he continued firing.
Two other humans, Norm Cooper the stormtrooper and Jeb the Rebel soldier, fired their own blaster rifles at the oncoming crowd. The two men, former enemies from a galaxy far, far away, had also found themselves summoned to Equestria and were doing their best to support Twilight and friends. Despite their past as bitter foes, they were now fighting alongside the royalists to help them restore the kingdom.
"Norm!" Jeb yelled, "Grenades! To the back!"
"Right!" The two soldiers pulled out a pair of sonic detonators. They activated them simultaneously and tossed them over the crowd, over the mob's magic shields to the entrance. The grenades exploded but didn't hurt the ponies, only knocked them down and shook them off their hooves. It gave Twilight, Chris, Tux and the others a few moments to regroup.
"Wait, those are our ponies!" Reginald shouted.
"Not right now they're not!" Twilight yelled, taking cover behind him. "They're possessed! All the ponies and griffons that got seasick have become possessed somehow!"
"Terrific, I'm happy I packed my own food," Chris said.
Twilight spun on her hooves to face the oncoming attackers. They weren't zombies or in a trance, the ponies and griffons attacking them seemed fully aware, awake and coherent. Apart from the eerie glowing eyes accompanied by the murderous look and shouts of violence. They were using magic, they weren't climbing on top of each other, they were a mob. A very angry, possessed mob.
Her horn glowed, she threw up her front hooves and summoned a shield. "I'm not sure how long I can hold them back!" Her purple barrier filled the hallway from floor to ceiling, blocking the possessed ponies' attacks. They threw things at the shield and the unicorns fired their own spells at it, but Twilight was an expert at shield spells. She could hold off their attacks for a while, at least. Still, their advances forced her back.
At least until ponies came crashing through the stained glass windows.
"Return!" "Whole again!" "Return us!" They shouted as they landed.
"We're surrounded!" Lightning said, chain-zapping the new possessies as they charged in.
"Retreat to the foyer! We're being outflanked!" Chris shouted.
"How?! They're pouring in all sides!" Twilight yelled. Spike's claws digging into her mane didn't help either.
Trixie's took a stand, cape whipping around her. "Stand back! Trixie shall save us!" She tossed a quartet of smoke balls at the ground. "Now, we flee!" Three of the smoke bombs exploded and for once, they actually worked.
"Yeah, your disappearing finally worked for once!" Spike commented.
"Ha!" Trixie scoffed, "Trixie's tricks always work, Spike the dragon." The fourth smoke bomb exploded, except it wasn't a smoke bomb. The corridor exploded in a wave of fire, blasting all of them into the foyer. The possessed ponies had also, for the moment, been knocked unconscious. Most of them, anyway, but now a gaping hole was in the wall of the east wing. For easy access by sinister mind-controlled hordes.
Dazed and knocked on her rump, Trixie used one hoof to straighten her singed sorceress hat and the other to stop her eyeballs from swirling around her noggin.
"And what was that trick, exactly?" Twilight asked, getting to her hooves.
"Part of Trixie's... grand finale. To be honest, I might've gotten that one from the Blast Sisters."
"Speaking of those two, where would they be?" Tuxley asked.
"Were they seasick?" Reginald ask. "If so, we may have a bit of an... explosive situation on our hands."
"Well, speak of the demo," said Spike. He folded his arms as he and the rest of the group watched the explosive sisters fall from the ceiling. They hit the ground, smacking into it hard. Rolls of toilet paper landed around them.
Twilight Sparkle rushed over to them and levitated them off the floor. "You two!" she exclaimed, hoping to shake them out of it before they said something stupid.
"That's one way to crash a party," Fusey said, defeating Twilight's efforts.
"You two-"
"Hi Twilight!" they said simultaneously, waving at her as she held them aloft.
"What were you both doing on the ceiling?"
"Ummm..."
"Scratch that, I don't wanna know."
"That's probably a good idea."
"Which one of you is the smart one?" Twilight asked. Both sisters pointed at the other sister, eyes wide and locked on Twilight. Neither of them wanted responsibility.
"Guys, we're gonna have more company soon," Chris said.
"The sand is magic," Lightning Claw said, thinking out loud, "But the Blasties' bombs were able to break it. How is that possible?"
Powdy made a literal rainbow with her hooves. "Mmmmagiccccc~*Bam*" The rainbow then exploded.
Vinyl trotted up to Twilight. "Twilight, Vinyl said she might be able to use the Bass Cannon to like, knockout everypony and it might, just MIGHT un-brainwash them. Maybe. Her music has that effect on ponies."
"Okay, then why aren't you over there doing that right now?" Twilight asked. "And why are you speaking in third-pony?"
"Only Trixie is allowed to speak in third-pony," said Trixie. "When other ponies do it, it's just cliche. Trixie makes it fabulous and special. This has been proven with Trixie Sciencetm."
"I'm DJ Pon-3 right now," Vinyl said, giggling. "Dude, if I broke character every time an angry mob was chasing after me... uhhh... I'd be a... uhhh... something."
The thought of dying surrounded by morons was not appealing to Twilight Sparkle. She magically lifted up Vinyl's shades, revealing her red eyes.
"EEK!"
"EVERYPONY KNOWS YOU'RE DJ PON-3. YOUR STAGE PERSONA IS NOT YOUR CHARACTER!" Twilight raged.
Prompting "OMAIGAWD VINYL SCRATCH IS DJ PON-3!!" from the Blasties.
"The princess stole my identity!" Vinyl shouted.
Twilight slowly replaced Vinyl's glasses. "I am gonna die surrounded by morons."
"I know that feel," the Director said, casually flipping through the guest book at the concierge desk. "Of course, I didn't die, so... not quite the same thing. But yeah, saying "I told ya so" to a buncha corpses and the uncaring void of absolute oblivion doesn't really have the same impact. Still did it."
"Okay... DJ Pon-3," Twilight said. Vinyl-errr, sorry, I mean, DJ Pon-3 smiled widely. "Work on modifying your Bass Cannon-"
"It's Vinyl's-"
"Work with me," Twilight said. "Focus on modifying THE Bass Cannon while we hold off the... our brainwashed friends. Please."
"Yes, Twilight. For Vinyl and Tavi."
"Alright," Twilight turned to the rest of the group, "We hold this room. Trixie, shield the front hall. Lightning Claw, the west hall. And I'll take the east," she said. With a pair of salutes, they marched off to defend their flanks. All their flanks. Flanks. Has more than one meaning here.
"Surprised we haven't had more butt jokes in this update," Fusey said.
And Twilight spun to her and her sister. "You two."
"Hi Twilight!"
"Keep making bombs."
"Thy will be done, princess purple smart," they solemnly replied.
"Protect DJ Pon-3's Bass Cannon at all costs. Our backs are to the wall on this one so... make every moment count."
It was in that very moment that the Mini Magic Gears, still attached to Lightning Claw's back, perked up.
"System reboot complete. Location unknown."
The horde of brainwashed horses attacked again, pushing against the shields Twilight, Trixie and Lightning produced. The three magic masters pushed back, holding their shields against the onslaught. Rocks, sticks, magical blasts, it was only a matter of time before they hit one of their shields with something they couldn't handle.
"Twilight?" Trixie called.
"What?"
"The seaponies... are back."
The Porto-Fun Cave fell from the ceiling and landed in the center of the room.
Fluffle Puff was one of the oldest creatures in Equestria. Like the Director, she had gone through many different versions, many different "Equestrias" since the early 1980s when the toy franchise was launched and little girls(and boys) made up their own adventures with the ponies. Like the Director, she had endured the culling of Equestria, somehow safe from the erasure of the current world to make way for a new one. Like the Director, when doom drew neigh instead of nigh, she would be spared. Unlike the Director, she wasn't canon.
Also unlike the Director, Fluffle wasn't depressed to the point of insanity that Equestria had regularly been erased and remade. It was sad, but she had hope. Hope that each time, things would be different, that one day, the rules would change, that the so-called inevitable things would one day, inevitably, break themselves. That, and she had her family.
Which she was temporarily neglecting to pursue another passion of hers: ham.
Of course, Twilight and Dan and bug horse wife weren't the only family she had- she also had husbando-puff. Fuzzle Puff, aka her Fuzband, was busy doing important boy fluffalapon things like guarding the den. Fluffalapons were a lot like lions in that the females did the hunting and the males stayed at home and looked awesome. And in Fuzzle's case, dorbs.
Fluffle's nose detected the ham back on Equestria prime. And with their own ham rations dangerously low, she used the opportunity to venture out on her own to find ham.
It was raining. And rain sucked for Fluffle, because her body tended to absorb water like a sponge and make her sluggish and heavy. She scampered her way through the underbrush of the mirror jungle, scampering the only way a Fluffle Puff could. The leaves and branches kept her somewhat draw, but the Imperial pegasi overhead were clearly making it storm hard for some reason.
The smell of ham was strong. She jumped into a puddle, then jumped again a couple of times, splashing the water until the puddle became several smaller puddles. It was fun, but would've been more fun if she'd packed her galoshes and Fluffponcho. She'd have to remember to pack it on future trips.
Zipping into the next frame, she arrived at her goal: a large metal shed marked HAM. She approached the door eagerly, then stopped. Her fluffy brain told her that this was too easy, that it must be a trap. This thought, however, was overwhelmed by the thought that 'ham traps must be the most delicious traps ever.' It was decided and she needed that ham.
She scamper-snuck up to the door. She sniffed the door, licked the door, for twenty minutes she pawed at the door cutely, then she tried an elaborate sequence to open the door. She tried the ever-popular "Open sesame" in fluent raspberry, she checked under the doormat for a key, Fluffle did every conceivable thing to open the door to the ham vault. Then, she tried the handle and it was unlocked.
The door creaked open. And there was someone standing in the doorway. A ham. A foodimal ham.
Dressed in an ornate pink gown and wearing a tiny tiara, the foodimal stood in front of Fluffle, blocking her way.
"Fluffle Puff~" the foodimal spoke, "I am the Princess of Ham. Or the Ham Princess if you prefer, whichever~" It was like she was singing when she spoke, majestic and beautiful like something out of Fluffle's pie-induced dreams. Astounded, Fluffle had only one response.
"Thppth."
"Indeed~" the princess nodded. "I am projecting an image of myself into your mind to speak to you. I've come to tell you that you must resist the urge to eat all this ham. Your friends, your family are in danger and they need your help~"
Fluffle stared, mouth slightly agape, drool forming and dripping down. The vision of the Ham Princess or Princess of Ham(whichever you prefer) was taxing her brain, filling it with awe, d'aww and disbelief.
"Yes, Fluffle Puff~" the princess said serenely, "You know what you must do. You are a strong pony and you fri-AAAHH! AAHHHHHHH!!!"
"*NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM*" Fluffle Puff devoured the Ham Princess(or Princess of Ham). "*BRAAAAAAAUUUUURRRP!!*" She then belched up a tiara and gown, which then disappeared because they were only a projection inside her mind. Or something. Fluffle decided that projections tasted good but weren't that filling. Fortunately, the rest of the ham vault was very real. She closed the door behind her.
New Botany Bay Penal Colony Administration
In lieu of being able to use magic, Discord pointed and shouted at the mares, "Begone, thot!"
...
..........................................
"Okay, new plan; we leave Discord here," Dan said.
"When did we get a dead meme character? And when did it become Discord?" Phoenix asked.
"Hey. That's not a dead meme," Discord protested.
"Pretty sure it is now," Cap said.
Discord folded his arms. "Well, maybe it's not dead in THIS universe."
"Again, I'm pretty sure it is now," Cap said. "Just, you're... you're not helping," he patted him. Discord sulked.
"Ya ain't getting no help from nopony," AJ grinned puckishly. "Sorry, boys. Just ain't your lucky day." She and Rarity blocked the door, Rarity herself was armed with a bejeweled SMG. Cap's shield couldn't protect all of them and there was nowhere to escape to in the small confines of the cabin. They were trapped with evil versions of their friends pointing guns at them. Somehow, Dan knew something like this was going to happen. He braced his foot on the desk.
"Ha-ha. Ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha," Rarity laughed, pausing between laughs for no bucking reason. "And you did a good job too, Onyx." The black cat hissed at her and ran out the door. It also found her annoying.
"A girl's gotta have her wits about her." They both chuckled until they were abruptly cutoff. "Oh SHI-"
"EEEEK!" The office desk slammed into both of them, knocking them out of the cabin and back out into the rain.
"And a guy has to know how to move furniture," Dan said. He held up a keyring. "I got the keys to the prison cells from evil not-my girlfriend. Let's go get Pinkie and the REAL Applejack and get outta here."
"Indeed. One universe's problems is enough," Khan remarked.
"Exactly, thank you Khannie. See, Nicky? He gets it." Both men moved to the door. Cap and Phoenix did not join them.
"Dan..."
"What, Nicky? WHAT WHAT WHAT?! What is it now, can't you see we're in a hurry?"
"I want to take mirror Twilight with us," Phoenix said.
"I don't think I should leave," Cap blurted out.
"What?!" Phoenix and Dan spun around to ask him.
Captain America shrugged. "I don't think I should leave."
"Stevie, no. You're coming back with us."
Cap put up his hands. "Hear me out. These ponies, this... even this version of Earth, they've never experienced democracy. Freedom as a concept doesn't exist to them. I could be the first one to show it to them."
"They may not be open to it as a concept," Khan said. "Even in my time, there are cultures that do not embrace liberty simply because it is presented to them. Like any foreign concept, it is often met at first with skepticism at best and complete apprehension at worst."
"But they've never experienced it at all. It's not foreign here, it doesn't exist here. Not yet," Cap countered.
Khan smiled. "It is more than foreign. To them, freedom is alien. Perhaps even... abomination."
"Yeah, just gonna throw my two bit's worth in here, Uncle Sam doesn't really have the best track record of getting other cultures to embrace freedom," Dan said. "Also, this is really a bad time considering we're on their turf."
"There's no other time," Cap said, steadfast and standing firm. His hands were balled into fists. This was something he felt passionate about. "Look, you three can go back to our universe. I'll stay here, maybe contact the Resistance. I can bring democracy to a universe that has only known tyranny. To me, that's worth it."
Dan pinched his eyes shut hard. "You HAVE to make a big deal about this right NOW?! Right when we're going to get Pinkie and AJ back?!"
"I could stay, too," Discord offered.
"We're already leaving you behind!"
"I thought you were joking, Dan."
"I MAY NOT BE NOW!" Dan yelled. He stood up to Captain America. "There are TWO universes out there and you're going to fight them while we have TWO universes of our own to deal with! This is NOT the time to have an American Revolution in Nazi land!"
Calmly but firmly, Captain America met Dan's furious gaze. "There's never a good time. Revolutions are tough. They don't come when you're ready, they come when the world is. I feel this, Dan. This is real. This, right here, is where I can do the most good. I can teach an entire world about America, about equality, about justice and liberty. That's worth it to me."
Dan's hands shook. "This isn't right! We can't... we can't break up the team." He actually sounded sad for a moment. "Just when things were getting good."
"I'm with Dan, Steve," Phoenix said. "You're going to be fighting an uphill battle here. No support, all alone. That's a tough job for anybody, even you."
"But I'm the only one who can do it," Cap said. "And once things get started, I won't be alone. Who knows? Maybe after a few months, I can come back and we can take the fight to Vice Grip with an entire army behind us. A Solar Republic. The United States of Terra, that sort of thing."
"Just gonna put this out here," Dan said, "Both the three smart people here think this is a bad idea and the one idiot thinks you should go through with it. Think this through."
And Cap looked at all of them. And then back to Dan. "I have to try." He was the same kid from Brooklyn he'd always been. After fighting impossible galaxy-terrorizing, planet-devouring enemies, battling HYDRA, Umbrella and fighting across the vastness of time, space and other dimensions, Captain America was still Steve Rogers, the kid who didn't like to see others get pushed around.
To prove the point, he was done talking. "I'm gonna get going. I'll leave quietly." He was a man of both actions and words. For Captain America, both spoke very, very loudly.
"Steve," Dan said, stopping him. "How will. how're you going to come back?"
He thought for a second. Then he handed him his phone. "Take this. I'll come back for it, I promise."
"Rrrrright, or we could just exchange numbers."
"No, keep it. When the time comes, I'll call you."
"Ah," Dan nodded. "This is the same phone from Civil War and Infinity War, isn't it?"
"Wish me luck," he said. He stepped outside, closed the door behind him and he was gone.
"Luck," Phoenix said. It was quiet for a few moments after that. The rain kept hitting the windows. The unconscious mirror ponies were still there. One good thing about tyrannical bureaucracy was that it didn't move much without orders from the top. The lowly brainwashed imperial soldier never expects their infallible leaders to be taken down. There's almost always no contingency for if the top link in the chain of command gets unlatched. Which makes unlatching it all the more fun.
With Chryz impersonating the Empress, she was effectively taking her place to maintain the illusion of command for the Imperial pony troopers, so they didn't panic. With her out cold at his feet, the rest of the sun fascists were none the wiser. He could do anything he wanted, even impersonate the Empress himself if he did it right. Take control of the whole Empire. Either way, the advantage was his. Only question was, what would he do with it?
"How are we going to get back to the castle?" Phoenix asked. "The guards will definitely be suspicious if they see us releasing Pinkie and AJ."
"I recommend stealth," Khan said.
"We should also probably hurry," Discord said. "Before these three wake up and raise an alarm."
"Right, quick and quiet. That sound like a good idea, Dan?"
"Sounds great, Nicky!" Dan declared. He scooped up Chryz, kicked open the door and yelled at the top of his lungs, "BEHOLD, SUN FASCIST HORSE LOSERS! YOUR GOD IS A LIE!!" He threw the changeling mirror queen out the door and into the mud. "HAHAHA!"
Phoenix and Khan stood dumbfounded. Again. They stared at Dan in only partial disbelief, because part of them expected something like this. Yet they were both shocked to see it. Naturally, Discord took this opportunity to make them feel better. He walked up between them and wrapped his arms around their shoulders.
"Boy, I've missed you guys. It's good to be back, part of the ole gang again."
Phoenix slowly turned his head to him. "You were never part of the ole gang. Not with Dan. You've barely even met!"
"I have yet to make your acquaintance either."
"Ah. I'm Discord. Spirit of chaos extraordinaire. Here's my card," he presented a Pop-Tart shaped like Nyan Cat with his information printed in icing on it. Khan accepted it.
"I really hope this dead meme thing is just a phase for you," Phoenix said. (And I hope I never go through a phase like that. Now, self-referential reflection in parenthesis, that never goes out of style.)
"I mean I was with you in spirit, Nicholas," Discord said, grinning.
"The spirit of wha-oh, I regret asking that question."
"The spirit of chaos! Of course!" He threw open his arms. But nothing happened. "Yes... powers are still on the fritz, unfortunately. That's a real Pop-Tart by the way, I'll be needing that back."
"You actually painstakingly wrote fictional contact information in icing on a Pop-Tart? Just for a gag?" Phoenix asked.
Discord shrugged. "I could do it with a snap of my fingers normally, but again, no powers. Times are tight, dear attorney. We're all making due."
Dan burst in through the door. Before he could say anything, Phoenix said, "Oh crap! I forgot we're still in the Nazi camp!"
"Did they not hear your announcement?" Khan asked.
They might've asked Dan something about the Resistance, like where they were or if they looked like a threat. But before they could, the Resistance answered for themselves by destroying the roof of the cabin. A fireball blasted through the roof of the building, scorching it clean off into nothing but cinders.
"Run! Back to the castle!" Dan shouted.
Something new happened high above them. The storm clouds which had blanketed the island were gone. A massive eye had appeared in the storm right above the island, the remaining grey clouds slowly dissipating as the Imperial pegasi were no longer able to maintain them. A couple rainbows banded around the island.
In the Mirror Universe, rainbows were horizontally striped and contained 'gems' within them- blots of a color made to look like a jewel. The colors of the mirror rainbows also contained primarily orange, purple, red, white and grey. No green, blue or yellow. Some of the rainbows were designed to show the flag of the Solar Empire- an orange sun with a horn on top flanked by red wings, two circles tucked underneath them representing Equestria and the moon. The flag was actual a reference to Empress Celestia's pet phoenix, such was her vanity she put her pet above her planet and her sister.
The Resistance didn't have much of a flag, but they did use a simple signal to let their presence be known to others. Their symbol was a circle with a triangle inside it to represent real equality and harmony between the three pony tribes. Equal harmony and freedom was the Resistance's original goal, now long forgotten in the fires of war. They still used the circle-triangle symbol, though, because it was a simple way of identifying and signaling one another. Coincidentally, it looked like the Illuminati symbol.
Khan took the lead, Phoenix and Dan right behind him, doing their best to keep up. They ran out of the cabin, over the burning remains of the roof. The sand was still wet but the camp was already in chaos.
"AHHHHHHP!!" A burned pegasus in tattered armor fell from the sky and plunged into the ground next to them. It was impossible to tell what side he was on. Another one crashed into the tarp between the fences, pulling it down to the ground. They had to ignore them; Dan and the others pushed on out of the camp.
Khan was faster than both of them, able to leap clean over the debris. The wooden archway over the camp had collapsed, blocking it. Without a word or a grunt, Khan ripped the arch off the stakes holding it and tossed it away like it weighed nothing.
"Keep going! Hurry!"
"I miss Stevie."
"Me too, Dan, keep moving," Phoenix said.
Above them, the sky battle was getting worse. It was almost like a mirror of the battle at Ponyville last month, before the vacation. Just as the sea ponies had done, the Resistance ponies were using trained animals. Armored Rays were the mirror version of the Wooly Rays. The Resistance favored Steel-Tailed Rays as fast attack mounts and the larger Iron Curtain Ray to deliver troops. Like their prime universe cousins, they were sentient and wore chainmail-like armor. Resistance ponies and terrans parachuted from their backs.
They ran over the bridge back to the castle. A contingent of Solar Empire soldiers was there to meet them. Dan, Phoenix and Khan expected the soldiers to fire at them, but instead, they did the opposite.
"Hold your fire!" "Non-combatants, hold your fire!"
Lined up in a white-orange phalanx-like formation, the troopers lowered their lances as Dan approached. Hoping to seize this opportunity, Dan tried to run right past him.
"Halt!" said a taller trooper in special purple armor. Dan did what he normally did when someone told him to stop, meaning he kept going, so they tazed him.
"GAAGH!"
"The castle is off-limits!" Purple-armored said in a deep voice. A deep, familiar voice.
"Look, uh, sir," Phoenix said, trying to think of something.
Purple stepped forward. "You three are the prisoners that just came over! What are y'all doing here without an escort?"
A radio operator guard, one with a satellite dish attached to his back, ran up behind him."Captain Macintosh! The Resistance has broken through the first line!"
"Captain Macintosh?" Dan and Phoenix asked at the same time.
And sure enough, the trooper lifted up his face plate to reveal a goatee'd Big Macintosh. "Dang. Any word from Commander AJ?"
"Negative, sir."
"Uh-uh, she's out cold. Yeah, we saw her back at the cabin- she was hit by a... Resistance fireball!" Dan said, quickly coming up with a story. Real Applejack would have to forgive him later.
Mirror Big Mac wasn't buying it. "Or you three overpowered her and you're tryin' ta escape!" The troopers lowered their lances at them again, several dozen glowing pointy objects aimed at them. The difference between trooper and royal guard was subtle, but clear. The Royal Guards were dutiful, loyal, devoted to a shared belief grounded in reality. The Solar Troopers were religious zealots linked by the chain of command and the forced belief that Celestia was a god.
And one of them recognized such zealotry and new how to use it. "We are on a mission from the Empress," Khan said.
"Uhh, um, yes!" Dan added, "We were sent to the castle, to uh-"
"To retrieve the Bass Cannon from our universe," Khan said.
"Yeah, that's right! We were sent to- hey, that is actually right," Dan said. "Wait, are you on the Nazi's side now? Khannie, I JUST SAID-!"
"Dan, you're not helping," Phoenix said, pulling him back by the shoulder. He looked around, noticing something was missing. "Where's Discord?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEG!" Discord screech came from just on the other side of the bridge.
Dan mildly glared at Phoenix. Different than his usual glares with less intensity, Phoenix still noticed. "Were you trying to ditch Discord?"
"Oh, it's not like he'd be gone for long! He's like pocket sand. Just when you think you've gotten it all, there's a little bit left over and it finds a way to come back," Dan explained, emptying his pockets of sand. And the sand in his pockets wasn't even the same color as sand from the beach in either universe. In fact, it was reddish sand.
"You haven't been to Ceti Alpha V, have you, Dan?" Khan asked, looking at the familiar red substance.
"City-what?"
"Dan!" Phoenix exclaimed, "It's-"
"STEVIE!!!"
"EEEEEEEG!" Holding Discord in his arms was a slightly more-battered-looking Captain America.
"Halt!" Mirror Big Mac shouted, "You're not authorized to-" *CLANG!* Cap's shield knocked him out. Seizing the opportunity, the rest of the gang sprang into action and attacked the troopers. Khan grabbed the lance out of the nearest one's hooves and then used the trooper as a shield to zap the others. Dan grabbed two lances and started tasing the crap out of the others.
"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? DOES THIS TICKLE MORE THAN IT BURNS? WHERE IS YOUR EMPRESS NOW? CAN YOU FEEL HER LOVE OVER THE BURNING?!! AHAHAHAHA!" Pretty much Dan in his element.
"Steve! I thought you were going to try to stay and try and bring a democratic revolution here!" Phoenix said.
"Yeah that didn't work," Steve said quickly.
"Oh? It didn't, did it?" Dan said while smacking three troopers charging him. "So Mr. America gets in over his head, huh? Gee, that's never happened in a dense jungle environment before."
"Dan, this *CLONG* really isn't a good time. Besides, I *BONG* wasn't even involved in *BANG* Vietnam." Captain America got his point across while jumping on the back of one of the guards, dodging his attack and slamming his shield into two of the troopers on either side.
"Vietnam? I was talking about Africa," Dan said. "That weird invisible place, Wankpanda or... Wonka Honda or whatever."
"Wakanda," Cap, Phoenix and surprisingly Khan said all at the same time. All three had been there. So had Hydra and Umbrella.
"Could we please table this discussion until we're safely back in OUR dense jungle environment?" Discord asked. A trooper swung his lance downward at Discord. He ducked, allowing the lance to bash the head of the trooper behind him. He then gracefully dodged and let a charging trooper smash into the first one. Just because his chaotic powers weren't working didn't mean he wasn't still Discord.
The final trooper fell unconscious next to Mirror Big Mac. "Okay, that's the last one," Cap said.
"Uh, gentlemen?" Discord said. "We have another problem."
"What now?!" Dan asked. Discord pointed back across the bridge. Instead of the Resistance in its entirety, they saw just one pony. Walking upright, right towards them. Not only did they all know him, they were also happy to see him for the briefest moment, until they realized he was on fire.
"Haha... ha, ahhhhh," Firedance, Lightning Claw's brother, bobbed his head from side to side. "Doo-doo doo-doo-doo, dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah."
"Hey... hey!"
"That's Firedance!" Phoenix said. "Oh... crap."
"He appears to be fire-dancing," Dan said.
"Friend of yours?" Cap asked.
"Yes," Dan and Phoenix said. And then Firedance responded by throwing fireballs over their heads. "Well... he might be having a bad day."
"Hey, at least we found one of his brothers," Dan said.
"Dah-dah-dah dah-dah, dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah!" Firedance continued singing. The song in question happened to be one of the most popular songs in Equestria and a favorite of both Pinkie and Gummy's, being their "jam."
As they watched him, Resistance bombers flew in overhead. Without the pegasi protecting the skies, several mirror MY-Wing bombers, called UR-Beats, dropped in low. White glints descended from underneath them and fell to the ground, exploding in domes of white that absolutely disintegrated everything they touched.
Dan pulled out Gust's looting sack. "Follow my lead."
"Is it too late to leave him behind?" Discord asked.
"CHAARGE!" Dan yelled, and ran at the fiery pony with nothing but a brown bag.
"Keep firing! Keep firing! Hold!!" Mirror Daring Do shouted. The beach was ablaze. In foxholes, trenches and pillboxes, the forces of the Solar Empire fought to hold the beach and prevent the Resistance from landing heavier equipment like tanks. They had to hold onto the beach for as long as they could to stall for either a counter-attack or evacuation, the latter being more likely, they all knew.
Resistance attacks were disorganized a lot of the times. They lacked the discipline of the Solar Empire, that made them unpredictable. Sometimes, it worked in the Empire's favor and sometimes it didn't.
In most of Equestria's universes, pegasi were the first line of both offense and defense. Their position in the clouds served them as an early-warning system and also made them superb scouts. Speed let them reach and attack targets quickly. It was no surprise the Resistance sent an overwhelming amount of pegasi, griffons and human airships to attack their forces; on an island, they were isolated. After taking down the Imperial cloud cover, they were storming the island from all sides. But it was clear there was no plan of attack- attacking was their plan.
The Resistance UR-Beat Bombers rained down destruction on the island, but it wasn't in a set pattern. The bombs dropped on their own forces more than the Imperials. Their paratroopers had no coordination, just attacked the nearest thing. The Empire had anticipated this to an extent, focusing most of its defense into the sky. Although broken, their defense had exhausted the Resistance aerial forces, buying the Imperials time to engage them on the ground. There was no way to know how large the Resistance assault force was but it was probably enough to overwhelm them.
It was time for miracles, Daring thought. Either praying for them or making them happen.
"Enemy armor dropping in! Reinforcements coming again!" Mirror Zecora announced. The zebra was among the last of her kind since the Zebra Republic was obliterated. Her stripes had faded to the point she almost looked like a regular pony.
"Gimme the Stamper!" "Here!" "Braeburn, Stamps! Double-up!" "I copy!"
An armored ray flew in low to the beach. A larger ray wearing a harness, the poor creature was overburdened and struggling to stay in the air. Two Resistance tanks, stolen from the Imperial arsenal, detached from its wings, much to the ray's relief.
Daring leveled the Stamper and aimed at the enemy. The Stamper, or Stable Tactical Assault Missile Platform, was a missile launcher used by the Solar Empire. It was usually mounted on a tripod and had a barrel full of missiles attached to the back, but could be removed and used as a bazooka when needed. Without the mount, the missiles had to be loaded individually.
She got the tank in her sights. The vehicle stalled as its wheels dug into the damp sand. It wasn't only damp with water, though. Daring just hoped she was far enough away. She squeezed the trigger and yelled, "Fire!!"
Twin missiles launched simultaneously from the pillboxes. They penetrated both tanks and exploded, blasting their entire frames apart. The fire ignited the oil-soaked sand underneath them, spreading until the entire beach was awash in flames. The Resistance troopers screamed and burned, running back into the sea to douse the flames.
"Thunderlane, now!"
Lightning shot out from the remaining storm clouds, electrifying the water close to the shore. The electricity surged through the soaked and burning Resist troopers. A few paratroopers dropped in from overhead, some landing in the water and others in the flames. It didn't end well wherever they landed.
One of the bombers saw things or maybe the pilot got a request over the radio. The bomber dipped in low to make a run at the pillboxes and entrenched Solar troops, but was struck by lighting. His ship flipped over mid-flight and crashed into the jungle a couple hundred meters from the beach.
"Good job, good job everypony!" Daring called. She knew there wouldn't be much time to celebrate, but every little bit helped. "Clear the beach! Salvage what we can. Carrot Top, get me an ammo count!"
"Captain!" Sierra, one of the Terran conscripts, came running to her. "Captain, scouts report they're breaking off!"
Daring Do turned around. A few of their rays and bombers were flying away. It was too much to believe they were in retreat, though.
"P-Probably just regrouping, but this should buy us some time. Get me a line to somepony in command, now!" While regular Daring Do was a cunning rogue, mirror Daring was a calculated coward. She was a pegasus, but to fight on the ground meant she was doing her wings a disservice. In truth, she had worked her way through the command chain and gotten herself the position as unit captain of the rear guard. But with the rest of the Solar Imperial troopers so depleted, she and her unit were pressed into action, much to her dismay.
Despite her reluctance to fight, she was good at it, or at least very lucky, she thought.
"Captain Do! They're disengaging up here!" Thunderlane's voice said over the radio. "I think they might be retreating!"
She breathed in and out a sigh of relief. "Okay, good. Let's get the beach defenses set up again." The smell of burning oil, sand and brine filled the air with an oddly-refreshing scent. She sat down her STAMP and started to check the ammo.
A shockwave reverberated through the sand. And another. And another. She turned around, they all did, back to the shoreline that was still burning.
The blackened and scorched Resistance troopers, still alive because E-rating, dove out of the way and scrambled out of the water. A massive figure, taller than a two-story building strode out of the waves. Its glowing eyes focused on the beach.
Daring Do felt her heart sink. "Oh squee."
"It's here!! It's here!!"
"Fire! Fire everything!" Daring shouted. So the troopers did. "Get the cannons up here, now! Now!"
Phasers, lasers, bullets, explosives, some odd combination of all four, pinged off the smooth armor of Magic Gear ALT. Towering over the beach and its defenders, the Magic Gear strode out of the ocean, water sliding off its polished frame. Even now, its eyes glowing eyes pierced the night, evaluating the situation.
Its long legs walked over the fire, the water dripping off it extinguishing a good portion of the flames. The Imperials scrambled to get back into offensive position but many were wounded or carrying wounded. Their weapons uselessly bounced off the Magic Gear's armor, not even slowing it down.
"Analyzing attack pattern. Defensive structures detected." The Magic Gear's voice projected over the roar of weaponry. No one knew quite why Magic Gears spoke before attacking, narrating their actions. Some believed it was the software the prime universe Vice Grip had used when building them, that it was part of testing their weapons that was never removed. Others thought it was because video game bosses tended to talk a lot and forecast their actions, giving players a chance to dodge or defend.
But for the poor souls who had to actually fight against the Magic Gears, its cold, feminine, mechanical voice, not unlike GLaDOS, was nothing short of totally demoralizing. Even more demoralizing was the fact the machines were built to resemble giant alicorn fillies, mockeries of Empress Celestia and Empress Luna. The Solar Empire had engaged one Magic Gear, ALT, on multiple occasions. They had yet to even make it blink.
"Keep firing! And where are my cannons?!" She reloaded the stamper again and took aim. She got its left eye in the crosshairs and pulled the trigger. Her missile streaked out from her pillbox and exploded, smashing the Gear's eye dead center. But when the smoke cleared, the Gear hadn't even batted an eyelash.
"Defensive structures analyzed. Engaging." Magic Gear ALT engaged a high-powered water jet from its belly and sprayed the beach. A few Imp troopers were in the way of the flames and got blasted back. The same jets that sprayed water then spewed flames of their own, this time aiming at the troopers.
"Aaahh! AAAHHH!!"
"Fallback to defensive positions! Hold the line!!" Daring yelled.
"Beginning offensive protocols. Weapons online. Engaging combatants." Magic Gear ALT opened fire. Using its water jets and flamethrowers had just been to clear an area for itself. Now, it opened fire with its miniguns and auto-lasers. Beams of light and streams of lead unleashed from its shoulder and chin-mounts.
Targeting was the most complex part of the Magic Gear, just like Dan's security system back home. Because it could use nuclear ordinance, its targeting systems had to be incredibly sophisticated. This meant that while piloting it, it was a little more complicated than just pointing a gun on the pony and shooting it.
Mirror Vice Grip, stoically piloting the machine, found it easier to just classify whatever attacked him as an "enemy combatant" and Magic Gear ALT would engage it. If he made any of them a specific target, the machine went after them exclusively. This was because the other Vice Grip had designed them to specifically target Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.
The Imperial troopers rushed into the pillboxes and the defensive line at the forest. Dozens of them were cut down by the independently-targeting weapons on the machine, zapped by lasers or riddled with bullets. It used its water and flame jets to blast soldiers from their foxholes, sprayed them out of the trenches and set them on fire.
Another one of the Resistance bombers came in too low and smashed into ALT's mane. The cockpit of the vehicle crumpled like an aluminum can and exploded in flames, pieces of fiery wreckage falling to the ground. ALT hadn't budged an inch.
Sierra, bleeding from her leg, threw herself into the pillbox. "Sir! Sir, we can't stop it."
Daring Do gritted her teeth. "Get your rifle ready, soldier! For the Empire!" Sierra said nothing but reloaded her gun.
Lightning shot out from the clouds again, mirror Thunderlane and his squad responding. But their bolts of lightning bounced off the metal beast, the few that actually did hit. Magic Gear ALT simply looked upward and fired its cannons at the pegasi Imperial griffons. Their bodies fell from the sky, most hitting the jungle canopy.
"Firing missiles." ALT finally launched her own missiles, directly up. One of them tracked and hit Thunderlane, blasting him out of the sky in a ball of fire.
"Captain, the cannons have arrived!"
"Alright, target her head! Everyone, target her head and fire at my command!"
"Launching S-mines." Two bombs shot up from ALT's back. They hovered for a moment and then exploded in midair, dividing into five separate mini-bombs. The mini-bombs shot down to the ground, propelled by the force of the initial detonation and exploded, blasting soldiers nearby. Her flamethrowers coated the treeline in flames, scorching the ponies and Terrans hoping to use them for cover.
But all of this had allowed enough time for their artillery to arrive. The three cannons rolled up from the prison compound and took aim. They resembled Pinkie Pie's party cannon, but were military instead of recreational. Along with the troopers in the pillboxes, they took aim at Magic Gear ALT.
"FIRE!!!"
"EMP at maximum."
The cannons unleashed, Daring Do fired her STAMP again. All the remaining soldiers of the Solar Empire threw everything they had at Magic Gear ALT. The beach burned again, the jungle around them burned as hot smoke blew green and bark off trees.
"Keep firing! Keep firing!" Daring Do shouted, reloading. She slammed the missile into the Stamper, took aim at the middle of the cloud of smoke that had engulfed Magic Gear ALT and fired again.
"I'm out!" "Out of ammo!"
"C'mon, c'mon..." Daring said. She looked through the rangefinder again. The smoke cleared. And her heart sank twice.
Not only was Magic Gear ALT not even scratched, but every shot they had fired hung in midair. They hadn't even made contact. ALT's horn glowed red, pulsing as some kind of red lettering glowed on the outside. Their missiles, bombs and bullets then spun round like tops.
"What's it doing?" "GET DOWN!"
The ordinance flew back at them like it had been shot out of the same cannons. Explosions ripped through the defenders, blasting their armor. The cannons exploded as their own shells blasted them, shooting their crews up into the air and sending them flying.
Daring dove as the missile she'd fired came right back at her, exploding in the pillbox. Mirror Zecora and the human girl Sierra were blown out of the box.
"Leg drive motor charging!" Magic Gear ALT pulled back its right hoof and then brought it down in a straight punch at the adjacent pillbox. She then swept and knocked the roof off Daring Do's box. Rubble from her stone bunker fell on her and her comrades, knocking her unconscious.
The Solar Empire's troopers had all been wasted. Bodies lay burnt and blackened all around. Magic Gear ALT surveyed the area and detected no remaining combatants.
"Area secure." She then walked onward towards the Sand Castle and her intended target.
The Resistance was, in fact, regrouping but the losses it had sustained were significant. Still, their hatred drove them onward, their goal of destroying the Solar Empire. Dr. Vice Grip, in command of Magic Gear ALT, could not have cared less about their cause, nor did he care that they followed in the wake of the carnage he created. The fact that they had the same goal- destroying the Empire, did nothing for either group. If Resistance soldiers got in the way of Vice and his target, or were caught in the crossfire, they suffered the same fate.
Often times, the Resistance even tried to help Magic Gear ALT in its advances but more often than not, they would get in the way. They'd suffered significant losses from ALT, from the one time they tried to wrest its control from the doctor to the times where they attempted to assist it.
Perhaps it was fitting that the Magic Gear, a weapon designed to be unstoppable and to defeat alicorns, was only successful in its original mission in an alternate reality. ALT, as her name suggested, was an experiment involving teleportation to alternate universes that prime Vice conducted. The experiment had been a success, though, due to lack of oversight, he was unable to recall ALT from her location. He had no way of knowing that his only successful Magic Gear was working exactly as intended- just not in the universe he intended.
A couple hours later, Mirror Daring Do woke up. After taking stock of what happened, seeing her fellow soldiers lying defeated and destroyed, she removed her armor, stretched her wings and flew away. She left behind the Solar Empire and the Resistance, but decided someone, somepony should know what happened here. She found a wealthy griffon banker named Gust Grasp and began her career as a writer.
Dan ran at the entranced Firedance, the pony still chucking fireballs like he had eaten a Fire Flower. Halfway to his target, Dan half-tripped and dug the looting sack into the sand, filling half the bag with sand into the process. Cap did his best to deflect the fireballs but it didn't even seem like Firedance was aiming at them. He was just hurling flames in their direction.
"Dert-derr, dert-derr, dert-derrr~" Firedance's head was raised to the sky, bobbing back and fourth. It was like he was listening to some kind of song that only he could hear.
Dan was still charging the former friendly guard. He rushed him, dodging another Super Mario Bros.-style flame.
"I'm sorry about this." Dan hit him with the loot bag, then poured the sand out all over him, extinguishing the flames. With the flames gone, he bagged him. "That's one!" he announced, holding up the bag.
"Does he plan this out or-"
"Probably," Phoenix interrupted Cap and grabbed him, Khan and Discord by the shoulders. "Now please, can we go now before the whole island explodes?"
"Let's go!" To add urgency to it, Dan ran past them. "Pinkie and AJ! Now! Then back to our universe!"
"Does anyone know exactly how we get back to our universe?" Discord asked.
"You're asking that question? You brought us here," Cap said. More calmly than Phoenix or Dan who said,
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, DISCORD!"
"Seriously?! You took us here and you don't even know how to get back?!"
"I take it back. We're not leaving him behind. WE'RE GONNA BURY HIM BEHIND."
"How did you even get to this universe in the first place?!"
"I'M GOING TO CUT HIM IN HALF AND BURY HIM IN TWO SEPARATE HOLES. TWO SEPARATE HOLES."
"I'm sorry! I don't know!" Discord pleaded. "I woke up here next to Pinkie Pie and Applejack. Fortunately, I was able to give the guards the slip and escape, but I don't know exactly how the castle works."
"Crossing from one universe to another, it has something to do with the castle, right?" Cap asked. While he asked that question, Dan relieved the captain of his shield and was trying to saw Discord in half with it. "Please stop."
Discord shrugged. "The castles are like that- it's not my fault! There's doors, mirrors, archways in all the Equestrian castles that are weird. Some lead to other universes- pocket dimensions, alternate realities, parallel worlds, you name it. I'm not entirely sure how they work; they don't exactly make a manual for ancient transdimensional artifacts!"
"Yes, because if they DID we'd know how YOU worked," Dan snarled. By the time they were done arguing, they had reached the entrance to the sand castle. The battle overhead and all around them was continuing. Resistance bombers, beasts and paratroopers fought the Solar Empire troopers. The castle itself, being magical in nature, had sustained little damage. One of the Resistance fighter-bombers crashed on the roof of the castle but didn't penetrate it. Even as the wreckage burned and un-detonated bombs exploded on it, the castle itself was barely scratched. That wouldn't last forever, though.
"This is Inquisitor Twilight Sparkle. To any and all remaining Imperial forces, your orders are to retreat. If you are unable to reach the transports, evacuate any way you can. The Empire endures. For the Empress, save yourselves!"
"Fall back! Fall back!!"
The army of the Solar Empire was in a fighting retreat. Their Flutterbirds were taking off from behind the castle, evacuating the ground-bound troopers first. One or two of them were shot down by Resistance forces, but more than a few made it. The transports headed to other islands, other places where the Resistance wasn't. The Solar Empire still had allies. It was possible they could form a counter-resistance. Even for these tyrannical fascist zealots, hope remained. Because hope is unbiased.
Dan and company entered the sand castle. "Okay, we came in an elevator so... we just try to look for that again." The castle shook as a bomb hit nearby.
"After we free our captive comrades," Khan reminded them.
"Yes, so, c'mon!" Dan shook the bag that Firedance was in and it glowed for some reason, turning into a makeshift torch. It wasn't really necessary, but it happened so... that's a thing. They hurried through the hall, stepping over wounded Solar troopers and their discarded armor and weapons. Most of them were incapacitated in one way or another, the mirror CMC moved about them acting as nurses. They did not even acknowledge Dan or the others.
They bounded into the mirror castle foyer. "Stevie! You and Khan go find the exit, me and Nicky are gonna rescue Pinkie and AJ!"
"I'm afraid that's out of the question." "Sorry boys. You're not going anywhere."
Mirror Flim and Flam blocked their path to the prison wing. Their guns were trained on them.
"Guys! Look, I know you're under orders from the Solar Empire," Phoenix said. The castle shook as another brace of bombs hit it, three in quick succession. "But the Resistance is going to blow up this whole island! We have to get out of here, now! You guys should come with us and-"
The pair smirked. "My poor attorney friend, we're not under anypony's orders. We made a deal a long time ago." "With the Resistance," Flam said. "Not that we haven't done volunteer work for the Empire, too." "But we never go back on a deal." "And the deal this time was to lead the Resistance to the last of the Solar Empire's forces so they could be wiped out."
"It was you two!" Dan said. "So you guys are the reason the Resistance showed up!"
"Mm-hmm." "Wasn't exactly easy, but hey, you all provided the perfect distraction when you showed up." "Much obliged for that." "Too bad we can't return the favor."
Dan rubbed his chin. "So you infiltrated the Solar Empire and acted all helpful to us so we would distract them long enough to signal your Resistance friends."
"More or less," the pair nodded.
And Dan nodded as well. "Wow... that's impressive. Good job, guys. Well, since we're not with the Solar Empire, we'll just be going to get our friends and-"
"Not so fast, bub," Flim said, poking him with a lance. "You're still coming with us."
"Why? We're not with the Empire," Cap said. He looked around. "You said you both make deals? What deal did you make for us? Are Pinkie Pie and AJ involved, too?"
Flam gestured at him with his own lance. "Very clever, Captain Rogers."
"But the deal involving you wasn't with the Resistance." The tromping of boots echoed behind them. The Mirror CMC, plus Mirror Twist, Mirror Silverspoon, Mirror Diamond Tirror, Mirror Cheerilee and her entire class(mirror versions) appeared. And leading them was another human.
"Heyyyy that's me!" Mirror Nick said. He slicked his hair back with both of his hands, dripping with more grease than Writhe N. Payne, wherever he was. "So, lemme guess: you're some kinda two-bit goody-goody public defender, right?"
"Defense attorney," Phoenix said. (I think I can smell his aftershave from here... or is that cologne?)
[Sheesh, this guy dresses like a total tool. Hope I can change his wardrobe when I crossover.]
(Are his teeth actually gold? Wait... how are you doing that?) OB[Doing what? Hey! I'm the only one that can have inner monologues. They help the player follow all my schemes!]
(No! MY inner monologues help players through MY investigations!)
To the outside world that wasn't involved in an Ace Attorney game, the two Phoenixes were just staring at each other, rubbing their chins, inquisitively and slyly respectively.
"Nicky, I'm sorry but, I'm gonna have to kill your double. Okay? Because, I just, I just can't even right now. Weapon? Please, anybody? Discord?"
"Guys, I'd kill yas all myselfs, but I don't wanna get my hands dirty. Or more specifically, his clothes dirty," he pointed at Phoenix.
"You're planning on taking his place," Cap said.
"You're planning on taking my place!" Phoenix exclaimed. "You can't do that! I... I..."
"OBJECTION!" "OBJECTION!"
Dan looked up. "Oh, see, all the mirror stuff is red. Yeah, we'll be able to spot you like, immediately. You're screwed."
Mirror Phoenix shrugged. "Heh. I'm a businessman. I've had to scam my way out of a lotta lawsuits. Unlike your Wright, who looks about as broke as it gets, I'm rollin' in it."
"Yeah, and we can smell it on you from here," Dan added.
"I own Bluecorp, biggest corporation on Terra. Bumpin' off stooges like you and those clowns from the Fey Clan Circus are what I do for a livin'," he grinned. "If I can con Von Karma, Edgey and the Judge, you guys ain't gonna be no challenge for me."
Dan was about to say something, when Phoenix cut in, asking, "What did you say about the Fey Clan?"
"Oh, was Mia your boss, too? Was she a looker in your universe?" Mirror Nick asked, grinning. "Boy, you could get lost on those legs, couldn't ya? Broke my heart havin' to do her in. Thank goodness me'n Grossberg were able to pin it on Redd White or I'd still be as poor as-"
Ponyville, Equestria Mayor Mare's Office 4 weeks ago
Mayor Mare set the last of the finished forms on top of the pile on her desk. The form in question was a requisition form to supply the power plant with extra supplies and equipment. Dan's new security measures- ion cannon emplacements located at key points around town, was becoming stressful on Ponyville's power supply. The hydroelectric dam could only provide so much energy on its own and needed extra resources to maintain the new, larger power requirements. She sighed heavily; it was one of a hundred forms she'd had to go over today and approve, all having to do with Dan's security programs.
"Is that the last one?"
"Oh, um, yes," the mayor said. She'd almost didn't hear Sweetie Belle come in. She and the rest of the CMC had volunteered to help Mayor Mare with her mayor duties after Dan rescued them last week.
"Great! Is there anything else you need?"
"Errm, not at the moment," she said. She adjusted her glasses, setting them at the right point on the bridge of her muzzle. Looking around the room, she noticed two things missing. "Where are... ermm..."
"Apple Bloom and Scootaloo? They said they needed to install something."
She looked around her office again more carefully. "Install what, exactly?"
Something fell into the lobby beneath, clattering as it landed. The rug in the center of Mayor Mare's office suddenly fell inward and was sucked into a recently-made square hole. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom's heads poked through.
"Eeyep. This'll work nicely."
"Hi Mayor!"
"Hi," she said, stepping around her desk. "What, pray tell, are you doing to the floors?"
"Just this floor," Apple Bloom said. She and Scootaloo then disappeared down the hole in the floor and somehow reappeared almost instantly through the door to her office. "We're installin' your new trapdoor!"
"We noticed you didn't have one."
"I... didn't really need one," the mayor said. They triple-sad faced her, the only way fillies could. She had no choice but to concede to the cuteness. "But thank you, I'm... I'm sure we'll find some use for it."
"Oh, we're not done yet." "We still have to add the rope ladder and work on secret pass codes!"
"Of course," Mayor Mare said, forcing an awkward, stressed smile. "You're sure Dan doesn't need you to install a trapdoor somewhere else?"
"Nope," Sweetie Belle said. "He said right here." "Just in case you need to get in and out quickly."
"That's very thoughtful of him," she said, shaking her head. "Will you be done soon?"
"Yep! We have to get some more supplies from Pone Depot." "Be sure to watch your step before we get back!" "See you soon!"
The rug squeezed up through the hole again and spread out, now with a giant red X painted on it where the hole was. It covered the hole, as if nothing had changed beneath it. The CMC departed.
Stepping around the hole, she returned to her desk, took off her glasses and rubbed her temples. The CMC were a bit enthusiastic sometimes, for lack of a better term. They were helpful half to her half the time, and they were trying to be helpful the other half, usually by improving her office in some way. It had been a long week.
She turned around in her chair and looked out the window to her office. It had been a long year. All the new arrivals, the new 'guests' that had come to town coupled with Dan's security improvements had changed Ponyville. It was still recognizable, the cannons and the wall were even fitting, but the mayor remembered a time before all these things were necessary. The princesses were gone, the kingdom was regularly under siege... what caused all of this? What happened to Equestria?
A bright reflective ray crossed her eye, forcing her to block it with her foreleg. In the town square below, a group of ponies were raising a solid-gold statue. With a final heave, the earth ponies pulling the ropes brought the massive statue into place on its pedestal. It was a statue of Dan.
Mayor Mare opened her window. "Umm, excuse me!" she called to the ponies below. "What-what is it you're doing? What's that, there?"
"Hi mayor!" "Hi mayor!"
"Yes, hello, what is it you're doing? What is this statue doing here?"
"Oh, it's for Dan!" Spiced Bread said. He was the best bread baker on Baker's Street since he took over the shop from his great-grandfather, Sliced Bread.
"Yes, I can tell that, but why here? Why now? Just... why?" Mayor Mare asked in a flustered voice.
Spiced hadn't really heard her; he'd been talking to Crispy Crust, the owner of the third-most popular pizzeria in Ponyville. He turned back to the mayor. "Come again?"
"Err... nevermind, I suppose."
"Alrighty then! Hey guys, let's set the other one up so that they're facing each other!" The ponies went back to their work. Mayor Mare closed her window, retreating back inside.
She slumped in her chair. There would be more forms to sign when Aegis Ally in Canterlot found out about this. If it was gold straight from the treasury, it would have to be replaced. If it was from Blueblood's own fortune, maybe he could be persuaded to donate it. Maybe. Either way, it was more work for her. More forms that would have to be signed, sent and stuffed into cabinets, never to be read again.
Mayor Mare wheeled her chair back to her desk. She pulled out the next form; might as well start now.
"It's funny how things change, isn't it?"
She spun around her chair. Standing behind her, where she had just been, looking out the window with gloved-hooves clasped behind his back, was Vice Grip.
"Y-you! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?"
"Felt like seeing home. I have to say, I like what you've done with the place," Vice said, turning to her. She recoiled from him, as someone would from a threatening figure, like a spouse fearful of an abusive partner. He walked around her desk casually, seeming to take in the whole room.
"Twilight... Twilight told me about you," Mayor Mare said. "Now, I... I know, you have a... a disagreement with the princesses-"
"A disagreement?" he shot her a glance. "Is that what she called it? A "disagreement." I suppose that's as good a name for it as any. Tell me, do you think they've been good for Equestria? Has the kingdom prospered under there rule? Has Ponyville?" He stepped up to her desk and leaned over, adding "Have you?"
"I... well, I..." He didn't interrupt her. He wanted her honest answer, though it was taking a while for her to find it. "I would... I would say it has. I have."
He looked at her, turned his head, smiled. "Have you? Are you so sure about that?"
"I..." She felt her heart beat faster. He was charismatic, very charismatic in about every way. But she knew what she had to do. "I... I should call Dan. I can't trust you." She shuffled through her desk, looking for the emergency phone line Dan had installed last month.
"But you can trust Dan," Vice said, gloves still clasped. "Just like you could trust the princesses. Just like I could."
And it was that last bit that caused her to slow her frantic search. Then to slow her rummaging. Then to stop looking all together. She looked down into the desk drawer. There was the phone- a red flip phone next to the latest MLP comic she was reading. She didn't have the heart to reach for it.
"I was in your position once. Equestria was coming apart, entire kingdom was in danger. Famine swept over the land," he explained. "Of course, this was a long time ago. A lot has changed. Except the princesses," Vice said. He looked out the window, up to Canterlot in the distance. From the mayor's office, it almost looked like a toy you could just pick right off the mountain.
"Are you really from... back then?" the mayor asked. "From when Equestria was first founded?"
"Oh, yes. I can tell you, a lot's changed in a thousand years. When I was a kid, pegasi were just learning how to control the weather over Ponyville, now look at them. Wrapping up winters, rolling out summers and falls. Jumping into springs. You know, the Pegasi have actually changed the most. Of course, they always were the more aggressive ones." He sat down on the edge of her desk.
"What happened? If you..." He slowly turned to her as she asked. "...don't... mind... me asking."
"Well... it's a long story. Did you know this building used to be the chancellor's office? Back in my time, the three tribes used to be represented equally. The pegasi were ruled by the strongest and the fastest, their commander. The unicorns, of course, followed royal blood and were led by the royal family. But the earth ponies, like us, we did something revolutionary: we chose to have democratic elections. And our chosen representative was called the chancellor," Vice explained.
The mayor nodded. "Yes, I'm aware of our history. Ponyville still follows this tradition-"
"But you're still a servant of the princesses," Vice said, holding her gaze.
She swallowed. "Well... ultimately, yes. But I represent the township to her and she does listen to us."
"Does she?" Vice raised an eyebrow. He stood up, started to pace. "Do you know why Ponyville has a mayor? Do you know how the office came to be?"
Her glasses began to fall off her muzzle again. She pushed them up. "I-uh, I just, that I, um-"
"Let me tell you exactly why we don't have a chancellor any more. It starts with the last pony to hold the office. His name was Rice Puddinghead. And this was his office..."
It hadn't even been an hour since Vice Grip had finished his story. The actual story itself didn't take that long, just that Mayor Mare had to have some proof... and he had shown her. Her glasses hung around her neck, attached by the necklace that kept them from hitting the floor and shattering.
Her hoof shook as she put them back on. "I... I had no idea. I'm... I'm sorry."
Vice nodded coldly. "I thought you should know. From one earth pony in a... unique position to another. You deserved to know the truth."
"I... I understand now," the mayor said. "I'm just, I'm so sorry..."
"We cannot change the past," Vice said, the slightest gleam of regret in his eye. "We can only try to make the future better. For all of us. He knew that. That's all I've ever been trying to do, Mayor. What he would want. The chance he never got." He took a cell phone out of his lab coat and placed on her desk. He slid it carefully across the top of the polished oak towards her.
She swallowed. "I... I just... I don't know if I can do this..." Tears blurred her vision.
Vice nodded. "I understand. As you now know, I'm not in a position to do anything at the moment. All I can promise you is that there will be no interference if you decide to make the call." He turned and walked away. Although he stepped on the rug where the hole was, he did not fall through. The rug didn't even move at all.
She shook her head, unable to look at him. "I'm sorry..."
"Of course you are. The only ones who aren't sorry are to blame," he spun around. "When you're ready, just hit send." In a flash of digital light, he disappeared. More technoporting, not that she knew. Not that she'd be able to process it if she was told it right now. What she did know was that the world she knew of... was a lie. Everything she had been taught was a lie. She put her glasses back on, straightened herself out and stepped out of her office.
It happens to all of us. There comes a time when our world is turned upside down, sometimes in somewhat of a literal sense. The very foundations of what we believed in, what we are taught are rocked. We become shaken to the very core. In those times, it can be easy to become listless, lost, swept away by the wave of revelation. Some are strong enough to keep some amount of stability even in those times, stability enough to proceed on when everything they have built is threatened. To endure and keep going, that takes true strength. Strength enough to make a change, to adapt to a change, to endure it or even, to counter it.
Mayor Mare was far from perfect. Right now, she was determined to make a change. What Vice had told her was eye-opening, to say the very least. It wasn't something she could ignore, it was something she had to do something about, to try and make things right. Only the Director truly knew that she wasn't doing it out of strength; she was doing it because she lacked strength.
She stepped outside of the town hall. "You there! Stop that. No, everypony, this entire thing is going to have to be taken down."
"What?!" Spiced bread spun on his heels. "But-but, it's for Dan! Don't you think it'll be cool if he sees-"
She shook her head. "I said take it down. That gold belongs in the treasury of Ponyville. And take down those flags as well. We'll be having a planning committee on what to do about the town's decorations when you're done."
That decision was unpopular but ultimately, followed. The statues of Dan were taken down all over the town. Dan, pre-occupied, didn't get the chance to see it. But Marksaline saw everything.
Nick, there isn't much time. You can save more than one of them, okay?
What do you mean? Mia, I don't know what that means.
You can save more than one, Nick, but you have to hurry.
Mia? How are you talking to me? I don't know-
You have to hurry, Nick! Go!
"HA! HAHA! Nicky, nice jo-"
The Mirror FF Bros. fired, as did the MCMC(Mirror Cutie Mark Crusaders.) The humans and the Discord dropped.
"Oww..." Mirror Phoenix said, rising while rubbing his jaw. "Gotta admit... I did not see that coming."
"I'm guessing you never had to fight Magneto and Weskar in your universe," Cap remarked.
"Whoo? Wait, I don't care!" Mirror Phoenix walked over and lifted the real Phoenix off the floor. Phoenix looked into the eyes of a man that would be him. It really was like looking into a mirror- a distorted mirror that showed you as everything you weren't but could have been. Mirror Phoenix was a slimy, greedy, serpent-like criminal. A man who avoided justice and used his position to attack people. Phoenix hated everything he was looking at... and he was looking into the mirror.
Mirror Phoenix pulled out a switchblade knife, a knife that Phoenix recognized. "I was gonna lets yous guys live. You were worth da dough. But now... eh. I hate leavin' loose ends anyway." He swung the knife at Phoenix's neck.
But it never touched him. The blade hung in midair, gripped by reddish-colored magic. It levitated upward, pulled by the unseen force. All around them, the soldiers' weapons, the MCMC and the MFFB, their weapons were literally lifted from their grasps. It didn't take long to see the source.
Empress Celestia floated down from the balcony. She landed, the weapons encircling her and aiming back at their former bearers. She said nothing, exuding only icy rage.
"M-m-m-m-m-" "Mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-" Both the brothers stuttered, the words "My lord" stumbling over themselves as they tried to get out of their mouths. They knelt down, even Mirror Phoenix knelt after initial hesitation. A couple of the wounded ponies in the hall tried to stand so they could bow.
"My Empress!" Flam said, he bowed so low his mustache nearly touched the ground, "we... err, we have captured these prisoners!" "Th-they are yours to do with as you please!"
The castle shook as another bomb hit it, but Celestia didn't even flinch. The Empress looked at each of them with a cold expression.
"We're not your enemies! Unless you make us your enemies," Cap said, defiant as ever.
Phoenix was wondering when Dan would say something, but he didn't. Dan simply stood up and started walking to the Empress. The lawyer, Khan, Discord, they all watched as he just walked over to her. M-Flim and M-Flam as well as the M-CMC all watched as he went right up to her, smiling.
"What are you-" And then their own weapons shot them. The Phaser-lances fired at each of the mirrors, stunning them into unconsciousness.
"Wait- wait! What is dis!?" Mirror Phoenix yelled. His own knife edged closer and closer to him. He backed away until he finally hit a wall. The knife rose up to his neck. "P-please! I'll give you anything! I'm so-sorry!"
Real Phoenix smirked. "I think everybody can tell you're lying."
"OBJEC-" A phaser blasted him in the face. The knife retracted and dropped to the floor, along with all the weapons.
"Very nice," Dan said, smiling.
"It's been a while since I've used multi-levitation. I was actually kind of worried about my aim," Celestia said.
Dan nodded. "I know what you mean. I should build a spell shooting range."
"Not a bad idea, especially since the town has more room now," the Empress said. Dan then turned into her and started making out with her, caressing her neck and mane. Celestia, eyes closed, melted into it, putting her hooves gently on his shoulders as they embraced.
Phoenix knew it immediately, Cap and Khan caught on quickly but Discord was another story. His jaw hit the floor.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... what universe am I in now?"
"You're still in the same one. It's Chrys," Phoenix said.
The form of Empress Celestia evaporated in green flames, revealing Chrys. "Sorry I was a bit late, guys. I had trouble getting Fluffle Puff back to our universe."
"Fluffle Puff was here?!" Dan exclaimed. "You let fluffy horse daughter get out? Oh, who am I kidding? We can't control her."
"We really can't," Chrys admitted. "If we were actual parents, we'd be horrible. Also, she's the size of a building." "Ham?" "Ham."
"Pinkie Pie and Applejack," Phoenix reminded them.
"Yes, the Pinkie Pie and the Apple Jack," Dan said. The ground shook again, hard. "Run! Hurry!"
The group ran down the hall to the detention section, the same room they had been escorted from little over an hour ago. The door was locked, so Chrys used her magic to explode it.
"So YOUR magic works here?" Discord asked. "Not fair. My doesn't."
"Sweetie, don't worry about it," Chrys said sincerely. "You just got out of the hospital. I'm sure you'll be back to your regular chaotic-ness soon."
Discord folded his arms. "Hmmph. Like you know how choas-magic works."
"Implying you do?"
Dan and Phoenix rushed to the energy cell containing Pinkie and Applejack. The humans were relieved to see them still there.
Dan pointed. "Stevie! Door!" Cap brought his shield down on the locking module projecting the shield-box. It disappeared instantly and the lock hit the floor.
They all gathered around their two friends. "AJ? AJ, Pinkie Pie!" Dan rolled AJ over. If anything had happened to her, he would kill Vice Grip again. After he had already killed him, he would resurrect him as a Frankenhorse-dumbass and kill him again. However that worked.
Thankfully, AJ slowly opened her eyes. "What took ya so long... sugarcube?" she asked, smiling. It was a touching lighthearted moment given the situation and one they all appreciated.
Of course, Dan hated it. "What's that supposed to mean? We spent the better part of a YEAR searching for you and that's all you have to say? WHAT TOOK US SO LONG?! You ungrateful southern worm-sack, I should have told your entire family we were abandoning the search because you're not-" She muffled him with her stetson.
"Nice to see y'all, too. What did I miss?"
Pinkie yawned Pinkie-ly. "Yaaaaawwwwwnnnn." Meaning she literally said the word yawn. "Five more minutes, okay? Thaaannks..."
"Pinkie, wake up. We don't have time for this crap, we have to leave or we're gonna die!" Dan said, shaking her.
"What? Again? Uggh, fiiine." She spun rapidly and popped up. "Hi Danny!"
"I told you not to call me-" And he was cut off by a Pinkie-hug. His growling and face-twitching did not deter the hug, and eventually he melted and hugged her back. "Okay... fine. It's been a while and we're in an alternate parallel dimension so... you get a free pass. ONE free pass."
"Awww, thanks Danny!"
"You have now exhausted your one free pass."
Phoenix looked around. "Where's Rarity? Celestia? Luna? Where are they being held?"
Both mares shrugged. "No idea. We don't even know how we got here."
"Fantastic. Just fantastic," Dan said. "Spike is just going to be friggin thrilled. If Vice is holding Rarity back just to mess with Spike, I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him a third time after I killed him the second time." The ground shook again. "Also we should leave."
"The portal I had to roll Fluffle Puff through is on the other side of the castle," Chrys said.
Dan hefted the bag carrying Firedance. "Finally, the nonsense works in our favor. Let's get back to our own universe before this one collapses!"
They ran out the door, back down through the hallway and didn't stop as they rushed through the foyer. An explosion from overhead knocked the roof off the castle, exposing it. A giant pair of glowing red eyes looked down at them as they ran through. Magic Gear ALT glared at them.
"Go! Go, just keep going!" Bullets, lasers, a missile launched at them. The missile missed, Cap, running with his shield in the lead, paused to deflect the onslaught as the others passed behind him. "Don't look back! Keep going!" The moment they were all passed, he ran down the hall after them. And at the end of the hall was the elevator.
Dan was already cramming people in. "Gonna be a tight fit, squeeze it in, you guys!"
"Make use of the vertical space!" Cap said. He held up his shield, able to get in. But there was one person who wasn't in yet.
"Nicky? Nicky, c'mon!"
He shook his head. "There's not enough room."
"We'll make it work, c'mon!"
He knew what he had to do. "I have to get something. Someone. Somepony," Phoenix said. He hit the button and the doors closed. "I'll be on the next one!"
"NO! NICKY!! OBJECTION! OBJECT-" The doors closed. The elevator ascended, returning everyone else to the prime universe.
Phoenix turned and ran down the opposite end of the hall, to the exit on the east-side. Or was it the west side? It was impossible to know now with the way the mirror and regular universe were flip-flopped. All he knew was he had to find Twilight Sparkle. He had to find Mirror Twilight Sparkle.
The Vacation Special Boss Battle! Phoenix Wright Vs. ???
New Botany Bay Penal Island Solar Empire Evacuation Zone- Omega
A trio of Flutterbirds made a break for the horizon. Flying low, the Resistance bombers had a difficult time tracking them, but their regular air forces didn't. Griffons and pegasi flew as fast as they could at them, eager to be the first to bring down the evacuation transports. A few Imperial griffons and pegasi flew alongside them to defend the transports, but the attackers had the advantage.
Some Resistance fliers, mostly agile and vengeful pegasi, made it through the defenders to latch onto the transports. Armed with grenades, guns, sharp sticks and anything else they could use, they tried to jam the Flutterbirds' rotors or exhaust. Twilight Sparkle, the mirror one, watched from down on the ground as the aircrafts shook and bobbed in the air, desperate to shake off the Resistance.
One of them was not successful. Two pegasi and a griffon grabbed one of the pylons the rear rotor was attached to, yanking and twisting it. The flexible pylon gave, disrupting the craft's balance and forcing the pilot to compensate. This let more Resistance ponies grab onto it, swarming more like angry, vicious bees or flying piranha than pegasi. Their combined force dragged the chopper out of formation and down to the jungle canopy, causing it to crash and explode. One Imperial transport destroyed at the cost of fifteen Resistance ponies and griffons. The Imperials would at least have their names remembered.
The other two transports were more fortunate. The lead 'Bird's side door opened. Two unicorns with machine gun phasers unleashed a barrage of bolts at the other Flutterbird. The red beams of light bounced off the armor of the aircraft, but nailed the Resistance ponies. They fell off with only minor damage to the Flutterbird. They would make it.
"Transport Omega-one and Omega-three... we're clear, proceeding to the rendezvous at Crystal Center. Good luck, all."
Twilight watched as the transports became blips. Over two-thirds of their forces had successfully evacuated so far. Far from the massive legions the Empress commanded, but possibly an effective fighting force. If that was even a consideration, now. That was the point, though, to make it possible to fight back. The spark of the Empire would continue on, living to light another day.
This was war. The Solar Empire was not an immediate threat, but was weakened. The Resistance was throwing everything they had at them to remove all possibility of them returning. They were losing much and would also be unsuccessful. In this moment, the evil Empire and the hateful Resistance had passed beyond most concepts of morality. After all the atrocities they had committed, centuries of war and subjugation, forced worship of a tyrant, who would possibly grant them mercy? Who would knowingly try to save them?
"Commander! The castle has fallen!" the pilot yelled. The sand whipped around both the island and cut through it, surrounding the evacuation zone. Three Flutterbirds remained, the last of the transports.
"Hurry! Run!" Twilight shouted. The last of the Solar Empire's soldiers emerged from the treeline. Most of them were injured, almost none had weapons, they limped and trotted and ran towards the Flutterbirds, towards hope.
The last of them, a Terran and a pony supporting a Terran with a broken ankle, reached the aircraft.
"You're with the warehouse unit?"
"Yes, my lord!" Twilight levitated the injured soldier into the craft while the other two saluted. It would take too long to explain them that there was no point saluting any more.
There was someone missing. Specifically, there was somepony missing. "Where is the major?"
"He stayed behind," the pony said, boarding. "We're the last ones, ma'am!"
Twilight looked back to the direction of their camp. Smoke rose from the whole island, twisting upward into sharp mountainous curves that seemed to combine into the blackness above. It was a clear indication that anyone left behind right now would be staying behind.
"Get going!" Twilight yelled.
"Commander?!"
Using her magic, she shut the door. "Go now! That's an order!"
"Aye, ma'am!" The transports' engines flared to life. One by one, they took off and rushed for safety. Within a minute, they were dots in the distance. "Transports Omega-four, five and six are clear. My lord, it's been an honor."
"Thank you..." Twilight said, her last message into her radio. She took off her earpiece, snapped it in half and stomped it with her hoof.
The Resistance would scour the entire island looking for her. She was high up on their list, being the Empress's favored apprentice, even if she was no longer a magical prodigy. Both sides learned early on in the war that ponies could easily impersonate one another if they changed their manes, tails and colors. Even using a decoy wouldn't work. It was something they checked for nowadays and the Resistance would do the same. They would burn the entire island, maybe blow it up. Either way, there was no escaping them.
Still, she was smart. If she was going to go down, she would at least take as many of them down with her as she could. Twilight gathered up what few weapons and armor she could and moved to her little surprise in the back- a tank.
One of their last tanks. Too heavy to take with them; all attachments from the Flutterbirds had been removed so they could carry more troopers. But for now, perfect for her needs. Mirror Twilight climbed aboard, loaded a shell up and waited for the first unlucky group of Resistance soldiers to come her way. Maybe even the ones who had gotten the ponies she cared about.
That was when the attack came from above, not in front of her. A ship, not belonging to either Resistance or Empire, dove down like a hybrid between a hawk and a sledgehammer at Twilight's tank. Coming straight at you, it resembled an odd sort-of face with a rounded 'head,' a long 'nose' and two flat angular 'ears' jutting out of either side. Its engine sounded like an angry, mechanical growl as it descended on Twilight. It unleashed a salvo of fire from its cannons, raining orange laser destruction down on the forest canopy.
Mirror Twilight had time to summon her own shield inside the tank before it exploded. The ship landed nearby, turning upside down and landing on its engines.
Phoenix ran outside as the castle rumbled again. It just then occurred to him that if the sand castle was destroyed, he might lose his only way to get back home.
(Oh boy... well, at least part of the castle is still standing.)
The wing he just ran out of was still mostly intact, even the elevator. Magic Gear ALT didn't seem to notice him, or maybe he wasn't a target. Either way, he could hear the massive robot tear apart the center of the structure, destroying it with its massive hooves. After fighting so many giant pony robots, you'd think he'd be used to it by now. But no, it seemed there were no diminishing returns to the fear at the sight of a giant robot.
Phoenix turned around. It was just now he realized he had no idea where Mirror Twilight was, whether or not she was still alive or really anything else. In hindsight, these were things he should have known beforehand. Then, Magic Gear ALT turned in his direction and her large, red eyes focused on him. His body felt like it had abruptly dropped twenty degrees in temperature.
"Eeeep!"
The Magic Gear registered the lawyer's involuntary eeeep and the fact he was a non-combatant. A Magic Gear's eyes were red during combat operations, unless it was not tactically beneficial. It was same kind of red found in Terminators, HAL 9000s, Cylons and HK assassin droids. Killer robots just liked the color red for their eyes. I guess they figured it was more intimidating to organic lifeforms. It certainly was in Phoenix's case.
The lawyer turned and ran. (BAD IDEA! BAD IDEA! This was a bad idea! Crap, why didn't I make Dan do this with me? Well, at least it's not shooting at me.) A missile exploded behind him, so close he could feel the heat.
"AAAAHHHHHHH!!" The fire was plenty incentive for the lawyer to continue his survival sprint. He ran full speed for the treeline, not that it would have made a difference. The targeting system of the Magic Gear could easily discern a frightened lawyer from tropical fascist island palm trees and the jungle itself would not provide much cover.
(Oh crap oh crap oh crap... wait. I'm an anime character. Running away from explosions and monsters should be in my blood.) He was desperate, and with everything else that was happening to them, hoping that an animation/racial stereotype would save his life wasn't the dumbest thing he could've come up with. Possibly close, but stupidity and panic go hand-in-hand.
Phoenix unballed his fists and flattened his hands. He gritted his teeth and straightened his back, all things that do not increase your speed in real life. But Phoenix Wright was a cartoon and an anime character. Physics was too busy watching him be awesome to care. He blazed a trail through the jungle like he was a Japanese Flash, like the Six-Million Dollar Attorney, like Sonic the hedge-phoenix, like- Exeggutor.
"Torrrr!"
"AAHH!" He tripped over the foot of the coconut palm tree Pokemon and tumbled into a roll. He landed in a small clearing to the south.
"Twilight! Twilight Sparkle!" He yelled. He stood up, dusted himself off and recognized he was at a landing strip. There was an aircraft of some kind nearby, but nothing else. He hurried across the tarmac to it, thankful that the Magic Gear didn't seem to be in pursuit.
The craft looked vaguely familiar to him, like he'd seen it somewhere before. It was modular and resembled some kind of rounded clothing iron, barely looked like it was capable of flying. Phoenix walked up the ramp and found buttons on the side. He pressed a green one and the door rose up into the tail of the craft.
The inside of the vessel was even more confusing. There were bed bunks built into the wall. It actually reminded him of one of those capsule hotels he visited. He was invited to the opening of a Gatewater pod hotel and actually went, hoping there would be free food. There was not. The door to the ship closed on its own.
There were amber-colored forcefields shimmering over the beds, blocking them. The vessel felt colder than the outside but smelled like burnt ozone. He had to guess it must've been an Imperial dropship of some kind, or a prison transport.
"Twilight? Hello?" he asked. There was no answer, for which he was partly thankful for. "Hello? Anyone in here?" He climbed up a later and found what looked like the cockpit... except it was facing straight up. It wasn't even easy to stand and there weren't any chairs. What kind of aircraft forced you to stand up at the controls?
He climbed back down again and checked outside. Still no sign of the Magic Gear, though he thought maybe he'd be able to feel her coming before he saw her.
Phoenix fond another set of door buttons near one of the bunks and pressed them. The door slid open.
"OH! Jeez...ohhh..." Chryz, the mirror of Chrys, was frozen solid inside the small cargo space. Her body was encased in a material almost like rock, her hooves held up in an expression of surrender. The changeling queen's face was in mid-shock, as if whatever happened to her had been sudden. Phoenix closed the cargo door, now thinking that maybe he had to try and rescue more than just Twilight. Maybe the Mirror Six were somewhere on board.
The door to the ship opened again. The first thing he saw was another frozen victim, this time his own mirror- Mirror Phoenix being pushed up the gantry. And behind him was the owner of the ship.
You are READING a CARTOON. How is this even possible?
"I-uh, uh-da, ga-yuh-" Phoenix stammered, not in control of his tongue. Boba Fett was used to such responses by now.
"Let me give you some advice, friend," Boba said, "This world's on her last legs. However you found yourself here, I suggest you depart the same way as soon as you can."
"Uhhb... uhhb... uhhhb..."
Boba pushed the frozen mirror of Phoenix to the side, stepping closer. Boba Fett was almost exactly Dan's height, probably would have been exact without the armor. He was just a bit shorter than Phoenix but he didn't need to be taller than the lawyer to intimidate him. Francisca Von Karma was half a foot shorter than and that was in heels and she(and her whip) still scared the gauge out of him whenever he was in court with her.
The small antenna on the side of Boba's helmet flipped down for a moment. In that quickly flipped up again.
"I'd offer you a lift, but I need the cargo space. Now, if you don't mind," he drew his EE-3 rifle and said, "get off my ship."
"I'm looking for someone!" Phoenix blurted.
Boba paused for a moment. "Is that right?"
He nodded, mustering up some confidence. "She's from here. She was around here. B-before the attack, I mean. She's a friend of mine... sort-of. C-could you help me... uh, find her?"
"That's my line of work. But I'm afraid I'm already on a job." Before Phoenix could respond, and with quicker reflexes than he could react to, Boba Fett raised his arm and fired his grapple cord at him. It wrapped around the lawyer's torso, pinning his arms to his sides. "Sorry, friend."
"Wait-wait-wait-AAAAAGH!" In one quick motion, Fett yanked Phoenix out of his cargo hold, over his shoulder and out of his ship. Phoenix landed on his side and rolled across the sand near the tarmac, thankful he at least hadn't landed on the pavement.
Phoenix struggled to get free, but the cord was too tight. It would have been tighter if Boba had actually wanted to take Phoenix in; this was no off-day for Boba Fett. He was here on a job, equipped and prepared for anything and wasn't going to let anything stand in his way. Essentially, he was an armored, less-angry version of Dan. With guns. And a flamethrower. And a jetpack. And missiles. Iron Dan. Except that was already a thing.
When a summoning spell is used, it is very specific to the way it is casted. When Phoenix was summoned to aid in Rainbow Dash's trial, he was brought to Equestria in his prime. While the events of all his iconic games had already transpired, Phoenix Wright was restored. Magic amplifies knowledge, experience and creativity, turning these things into even greater strengths.
Likewise, Boba Fett had been summoned to Mirror Equestria at his strongest. Having seen and endured the collapse of his own universe, a variant of a galaxy far, far away that destroyed itself in war, Boba was even more cold, ruthless, fearless and relentless than his other incarnations. Also, as the veteran of an apocalypse and countless conflicts leading up to it, he was better-equipped with more gadgets, weapons and tools of destruction. While Phoenix wasn't even equipped to fight in court.
Of course, giving him the best evidence in one of his cases would be cheating. Not that he wouldn't appreciate it.
Phoenix found he wasn't able to get free, but he could still stand. Carefully, he hopped his way back up to the ship, back to the scary astronaut with the guns and gadgets and other things he didn't want to think about. If Boba already had Twilight stashed aboard his ship, he was going to have to find a way to get her out.
The landing ramp and opening hatch began to retract. Boba was preparing for takeoff. Phoenix hopped onto the vessel as fast as he could, wriggled his hand free a bit and hit the button for the door again.
Boba was holding a frozen Twilight Sparkle by her horn, trying to wedge all three of his captures into the storage locker. His head turned to face Phoenix. "You're quite persistent."
Phoenix looked right back at him. "I'm only going to tell you once."
"Doubtful."
"Put. The pony. Down." He ripped the ripcord off. "Now."
"Not happening." Boba raised his rifle and fired.
But Phoenix had already hit the button again to lower the door. Boba's shots hit paneling, ricocheted and hit the floor, bounced off to hit the ceiling, then back down to hit Boba.
Phoenix's mind broke for a tiny second. He had just assaulted what was likely the most dangerous opponent he had ever encountered. Over a pony he hadn't met. His brain shutdown to check its own sanity for a moment and then, remarkably, resolved to continue. Bravery filled his chest like warm water, expanding outward to bring his chin high with determination. He felt real resolve in a dangerous situation.
Then his brain screamed at him when he hit the button to open the door again.
A jet of flames sprayed outward forcing Phoenix to pin himself to the ship's bulkhead. He flipped around to the side of the ship, hanging onto the edge with his fingers and even they felt the blistering heat of the assault. He pulled his fingers away before they became frankfurters, careful to balance himself on the modular part of the ship.
The flames went out quickly. Phoenix flipped back around again and continued to the other side of the doorway, avoiding the follow-up blaster shots from Fett. And in between evading the shots, Phoenix used the ripcord Fett had lassoed him with and threw it back in Boba's direction- but not at Boba himself. Phoenix latched the cord around the frozen form of Mirror Twilight Sparkle. The moment he felt it tight, he yanked forward.
Both bounty hunters and lawyers had to have quick reflexes. Boba realized what Phoenix was doing and immediately spun to grab his prize. Phoenix pulling at her forced Boba to grab her with both hands, but he managed to counter the tall attorney's strength. Surprisingly, they were about even in that category. But a bounty hunter knew that preoccupying both his hands was a tactic, and a good one, one he used. Even as he braced to hold Twilight in place, he spun around with his first free hand, his left one, to levy his rail gun against Phoenix.
Phoenix, however, was charging right at him. Just as he pointed the gun at the aft of the ship, Phoenix grabbed onto his arm. The rail gun fired, a long super-heated blast cut the air like molten steel but it hit a tree thirty feet away from the ship.
"You're a smart man... hrrg, Phoenix Wright," Boba said, struggling against the attorney restraining him.
"That's... hnng, what they...tell me.... ehg!" Holding the shorter man by his arms was like gripping a bull around the middle. Astonishing to both of them was the fact that Phoenix could hold him, however. They were about the same level of physical strength. The bounty hunter, however, had more experience with physical strength.
"Not... smart... enough..."
Boba propped his boot against Twilight and pushed off. Now perpendicular to the lawyer, he activated his jetpack and Phoenix Wright was headbutted in the gut. The wind went out of him immediately and the two of them blew out of the Slave 42. Boba, unable to control where he was going very well with his head in Phoenix's stomach, tumbled in the air, dropping Phoenix into the jungle fringe while he spun out of control above it.
Despite all this, Phoenix was still holding the ripcord. And the ripcord was still attached to Mirror Twilight Sparkle. The waifu on iceu spun through the air like a fish on a hook, hitting the overgrown growth of a Tangrowth.
Phoenix scrambled to his feet. Laser fire ripped through the air just above his head, indicating that this action was a mistake. He got down low again, into the foliage.
(Please let him not have infrared. Or a thermal visor. Or... anything. Okay, umm... I can still feel the cable. Maybe if I can pull it, I can reel Twilight in, sneak away from Boba Fett and get back to the sand castle. We have a plan now. Good job, me.)
He got down on one knee and carefully began to reel Twilight in. Slowly, carefully, he pulled the length of cord a little at a time, keeping his eye on the sky. He saw no sign of Boba Fett, but the acrid scent of his jetpack still singed the air. He would not give up his bounty.
He kept pulling, finally reeling Twilight all the way in. And Boba Fett was holding her with one hand, aiming his rail gun at Phoenix's head with the other.
"This is the last time you'll get mercy from me," Boba said, his voice cold.
Phoenix chuckled bashfully. "Great! I might as well use it." He yanked the cord again and the pony jerked his entire body. Boba's shot whizzed by Phoenix's head, cutting through the branches of two trees behind them and nearly hitting a mother Tropius and her podlings. This did not make the mother happy.
Phoenix grabbed Twilight Sparkle but the bounty hunter had a tight grip on her. The two men grunted, straining to get a good grip on the frozen pony. Carbonite as a substance was not that slippery; although cold enough to freeze, its surface was solid, not liquid. Mirror Twilight was essentially encased in stone. But it still reacted to heat and was beginning to melt, evaporating straight from solid to vapor.
"You're not... hrrrnnng! You're not taking her!" Phoenix growled, grabbing her hindlegs. Boba said nothing, his grip tight on her forelegs. Phoenix didn't know, but the bounty on Mirror Twilight was live only. Boba would get no payment for killing her, so he would not risk anything dangerous around her. His ripcord, however, was not dangerous.
Boba fired his cord at Phoenix's legs and pulled, knocking him over. His jetpack was still recharging or he would've used that to get away. He wrested Twilight from Phoenix and ripped the ripped ripcord Wright wrapped around her right out off his grasp. He then aimed his rail gun at Phoenix's head again.
"Nothing personal." He prepared to fire.
"TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" The mother Tropius smashed into Boba Fett like a freight train. She bucked him, kicking him like a sandbag into an Alolan Exeggutor. He bounced off the tree Pokemon, that was more curious and confused than anything else. He thought he'd been hit by a Pawniard.
"I think it might be personal for them!" Phoenix called. With Twilight in hand, he ran back to the tarmac.
Just as he emerged from the treeline, Boba Fett emerged from overhead.
"Oh, come on..."
"No more games, Phoenix." He leveled both his flamethrower, his ripcord launcher AND his rail gun at the lawyer. The bounty hunter could easily shoot him, rip Twilight out of his arms and set him on fire in barely a second's time.
(Come on, there has to be something. There's ALWAYS something... usually always. Always... crap, there's nothing.) Phoenix stared at the black-visor'd helmet of the most fearsome and feared bounty hunter in existence. It was like staring cold death in the face and for many, it had been exactly that. People smarter than Phoenix and stronger than him, too.
But none with friends like him.
Something tickled his arm, prompting him to look down. The carbonite on Twilight's flank was melted, exposing her tail. She was rubbing it against his arm, almost whipping him frantically with it.
Phoenix Wright's eyes narrowed. "I give up! I give up, I surrender!"
Boba hesitated. "Put the horse down. No tricks."
"Alright... alright," Phoenix said. He carefully sat her down on the tarmac. For whatever reason, she had been frozen while smiling, as if that was possible, so Mirror Twilight actually looked like the Hasbro toy of Twilight Sparkle. But Mirror Twilight was a toy for ages eighteen and up.
"Now back off."
"Like you said, I'm a smart man," Phoenix said, hunkering down. He gripped Twilight's tail. "Smart enough to do this!" He spun Twilight's tail as fast as he could, aiming her horn at Boba Fett like a machine gun. Dan would have been so proud of him right now, if it weren't for the fact that no magic bolts fired from Twilight's horn.
Boba stared at him for a long moment. "I stand corrected. I don't want to know what you're doing-"
(HOW THE HECK DOES THIS THING WORK?!! IS THE SAFETY STILL ON?!?! AAAAHHHHHH!!)
"-but it ends now."
"Wait! Oh," Phoenix just remembered. He spun her tail in the opposite direction. "I forgot. Mirror universe." But instead of a flurry of bolts unleashing from Twilight's horn, it was a wave of purple energy. It sprayed across the landing strip and hit Boba Fett, blasting him off his feet. Mirror Twilight wasn't a gatling gun; she was a magical flamethrower. And Phoenix used her.
"Oh crap! I'm sorry! I don't- hahaha! Hey," Phoenix laughed, "This is pretty fun!" He kept twirling her tail, bathing the side of Boba's ship with purple flames. Boba held his arms up, trying to shield himself with his bracers but magic was not the same as flames. It ripped through his armor at the molecular level, melting it more effectively than even his own flamethrower.
"I'm sorry!" Phoenix yelled. He stopped, realizing Boba couldn't fight back. "I'm sorry, really. Are you okay? Do you need me to get medical-"
Boba took that opportunity to jetpack up. Phoenix Wright, Dan and the ponies may have been merciful, but Boba Fett was not. He flew around to the other side of the strip, well out of distance of flamethrower Twilight.
"Phoenix Wright, you just signed your death warrant."
"OBJECTION!!! I didn't sign anything, Fett, you can't pull that garbage on me! Don't mess with me man, I'M A LAWYER!"
"Should've stayed in court." Boba fired a missile from his jetpack. The missile split apart into three missiles, a cluster missile! And all three curved down towards Phoenix Wright.
*Bing!* The elevator doors opened revealing Dan in his classically-disgruntled pose. Right next to him was Chrys, who looked pretty much the same but as a bug horse. Pinkie Pie was on Dan's other side, imitating him, much to his mild annoyance. She'd been back all of five minutes-
"Um, more like fifteen or twenty, actually. But I kinda lost track myself, what with the war between the evil ponies and the nazi humans and the evil lookalikes, and does time work the same way between universes? Universi? If time is universal, does that mean it's not multi-versal? Or is time really the multiverse and the universies are just-GLLGHH! ERRRG! EEEP!"
Dan strangled her, proving once and for all that he could counter Pinkie's Pinkie-ness. Everyone, say "thank you" to Dan.
Audience: Thanks, Dan.
"My pleasure. My EXTREME pleasure," Dan said, squeezing and shaking Pinkie, causing her head to rattle about and make the sound of a single marble clanging on the inside of a tin can. The rest of them filed out, knowing it was better not to interrupt Dan during his important uh... physical therapy interventions.
"C'mon, y'all. Let's get back to Twi and the others," AJ said, prying Dan off Pinkie.
Chrys smiled. "It's nice to have you both back. I'm sure Twilight, Rainbow and Fluttershy will be glad to see you."
"Err-hemmm! And what about us?" Discord and Firedance said, both poking their heads out of the looting sack and frowning.
"It's nice to have you ALL back," Chrys clarified, patting FD on his fiery head.
The east-side corridor was largely the same as it was when they first used the elevator. Except they were in the west-side corridor now, for some reason.
"How certain are we that this is the... correct universe?" Khan asked, looking around.
Dan sniffed the air. "Smells like our universe." He licked two fingers, held them up in the air. There was no wind. Finally, Dan held up a set of tuning forks and donged them together, then held them up to his ears to listen. The sound was a simple reverberation, but being the real Equestria, it carried an undertone of happiness, harmony and love, like a hint of honey in the aspects of every little thing. Equestria was like that; its unique space-time fabric was slightly softer, warmer, sweeter and more inviting than the average universe.
Dan nodded. "Yep, this is our place."
*Bing!* Another elevator opened up on the opposite side. The gang turned to find it already occupied, but not by anyone they already knew. Sort of.
The doors opened to reveal the gender-swapped or Rule Sixty-Three versions of pretty much the entire main cast. Dan stared back at his double, his girlfriend's double, a female version of Captain America, Khan, Discord, Applejack, Pinkie, the background Cylon, Firedance, Discord and even Twilight Sparkle and Phoenix, despite that they weren't among them.
Finally, guy Dan spoke. "Is Vice Grip a chick in your dimension?"
"Do you mean Vie Grid?"
"Idiot horse in labcoat, claims to be scientist, builds machines, wants to blow up Earth-"
"Yeah," Nad nodded gruffly. "We got one of those."
"Called it," Dan said. The other human hit a button on the elevator and the doors closed again.
Firedance walked up to the double doors. "I've seen things like this before."
"Where?" Cap asked.
"The Crystal Empire," Firedance said.
"Yes, some of the castles have artifacts that link them to different versions of Equestria. Mirrors, doorways... elevators, it seems," Chrys explained. "All connecting them together."
"Who would bother building all these links between different universes? And all the same place, too. Equestria," Applejack asked.
"Someone looking for the right universe, maybe," Cap suggested. "Maybe the one they belonged in. Or that they came from."
Dan shook his head. "No. It's simpler than that," he said. He kicked one of the elevator doors. "This is a service elevator for maintenance and construction. I used to use them when I did construction work on Earth. It's for surveyors," Dan said. "Whoever used this was building something."
"Oooooh..." Pinkie remarked, eyes-wide. "Oooooh... Ooooooh! Maybe the Fausticorn used these!"
"Like a foreman overseeing the work on a construction project," Discord said. "But why so many? Why so many different kinds?" Discord hit the button on the side again and again. Every time he did, the doors opened revealing a different universe. Both comical and mystical, some of the worlds were unaware of Discord and the others observing them... while others on the other side were doing the exact same thing. More than a few looked right back.
Dan grabbed Discord's paw. "Stop messing with the multivator. It's not a t.v set."
Discord shrugged. "Could've fooled me." Dan dragged him off and the others followed him.
They reached the entrance to the foyer, but were blocked by an energy shield spawned by Trixie's horn. And a horde of possessed ponies and griffons trying to smash and claw their way through it. The others hesitated, but Dan just kept walking towards them.
"Excuse me. Excuse me, sorry. Coming through! Make a space! Tryin' to get by, here." He shouldered his way past the possessed ponies politely. "Trixie! Can you make a space, please? In the shield? So we can get by?"
Trixie looked exhausted, but complied. She pulled back the shield like a soft show curtain, because show mare, and allowed Dan and friends through.
"Wait! Stop!" Dan said, spinning around. "What do you think you're trying to do?"
The possessed pony shrugged. "I was just following you guys."
"No, no, I don't think so. You're still evil. Go back there with the others."
"Awww..." Dan shoved the stallion back past the shield. The stallion in question, a pegasus named Smooth Move, was the owner of a smoothie truck that operated in Cloudsdale's industrial district. "Are we still on for volleyball when we're done here?"
"When you're not evil, buddy."
"Alright, unless I get ya before then! Watch out!"
"Not gonna happen, Smooth. Not gonna happen," Dan said. Magical possession was a lot like the brainwashing Lighting Claw suffered. It was random and prone to failure. Smooth actually wasn't evil or possessed at the moment, but was too much of a dope to not realize it. So he continued biting on Trixie's shield with his teeth, making no progress but somehow given his breath a cool, minty freshness.
Reaching the middle of the foyer, he saw Vinyl, Tavi and the CMC setting up a makeshift stage of some kind. The three Magic Gear fillies were apparently hooked into the Bass Cannon and a trio of amplifiers. A super-sized Fluffle Puff was stuck to the ceiling, with sea ponies apparently stuck throughout her fluff.
"...Have you even READ anything from Earth?"
"You're seriously asking ME that question?"
"In the Bible, the Earth's population is washed away by a flood. Noah built an ark to-"
"I KNOW about Noah's Ark, Cleo," Twilight said, both her wings flaring in anger. Full-on princess rage mode activated. "I don't remember the part where Noah tried to blow up another planet in the process with nuclear horns!"
"How can you be so naive as to think that's not an option?!"
"How can YOU be so stupid as to think it's the ONLY option?!!"
Dan walked past Twilight and the Director, who were apparently engaged in a pointless argument. He felt mixed feelings, watching Twilight bicker with the main antagonist and the final boss. He could lunge at the Director, but she'd probably stop time or do some other weird thing and get away. Chrys was the only one who looked genuinely surprised to see the Director, but even that quickly faded.
Power and freedom... the relationship between the two was fire and ice. Twilight's own powers were nearing god-like potentials and yet, the more she could do, the more confined she felt. More power meant her abilities affected things on larger and larger scales, meaning it was harder to prevent those she cared about from feeling their effects. In a way, Twilight and the Director were very much alike. Almost too alike.
Even Dan was feeling this sentiment. The Director was right there, he could possibly grab her, smash her head into the desk she was sitting at, end all this right now. But it probably wouldn't work. Also, it would've been rude to interrupt her and Twilight. He was a gentleman. If it had been Vice Grip, he probably would've tried to pummel the science pone regardless. Cleo was kind of an omni-incompetent dork, but Vice Grip was a smug know-it-all know-nothing-in-reality prick. And this story only had room for one jerk.
He found a Blast Fuse nearby and decided to sit on her, holding his head in his hands. Her sister walked up to him.
"Hey Powdy."
"Hey Dan."
"You finish setting up bombs all over this place?"
She nodded. "Yep. You doing okay?"
"Yeah... I guess. Kinda worried about Nicky."
"Hi Dan!" Fusey exclaimed. She wobbled. "I'm a rocking horse pony!"
"Why isn't he with you?"
"He stayed behind to rescue... someone else," Dan said. "We went to an alternate universe, got abducted by nazi horses, found Pinkie and AJ and FD, but Nicky wanted to rescue the evil Twilight." He sighed heavily. "I could've gone back after him but... I wanted to get Pinkie and AJ to safety, first."
"Well, you did that," Powdy said.
"I just... it sucks that you can't be in two places at once, you know?"
Powdy nodded. "I know how you feel. I usually try to stick with Fusey, considering she's... well, you know."
"I'm unstable!"
"Yeah, that," Powdy said. "But you have to trust the magic friendship. You have to trust that the bond will-"
Dan suddenly got up.
"Wait, where are you going?"
"I don't trust that magic alone is going to save Nicky. I'm going to go get him. That's the problem with you guys here, you just..." He looked around. "You put too much faith in... blind faith! Whatever that even means. It's PEOPLE, it's US that gets the job done and whatever the heck magic is, it helps that. That's how it works," Dan declared.
For the briefest moment, Blast Powder felt like Twilight, the Director and Dan were all the same person. Chrys continued watching Twilight and Cleo bicker... powerless to stop it.
"I'm going back to the mirror universe for Nicky," Dan announced to everyone in the hall. "Anybody want anything?"
"Thpppp! Thppp-thppp thpppp thppppppppp!" Fluffle Beetus, hanging from the ceiling, gesticulated helplessly. BRING BACK MORE OF THEIR HAM.
"Trixie would like a peanut butter and pickle sandwich. Without the crust." Dan stared at Trixie for a long, disgusted moment. "ON PUMPERNICKEL BREAD!"
Dan took off Trixie's hat and somehow turned it into a megaphone. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. No, you idiot, no." He yelled and then handed it back to her. He then picked up Chrys off the floor and carried her back with him to the hallway.
Equestria New Botany Bay Island- Airstrip Detecting Severe Harmonic Decay- Obliteration Imminent
The differences between universes were based on key factors. The factor that made the Mirror Universe a mirror universe was the fact it was a reflection of prime Equestria- similar, but reversed. The Solar Empire, mirror characters, other things, all made the Mirror Universe what it was. While it could get away with losing a few of these things- the destruction of the pacifist Zebra Republic for one, it had lost too many. The Mirror Universe was dying.
It was not specifically the lack of individuals or distinctiveness, the lack of mirrored places or factions that specifically caused this. Even destroyed, many could serve a purpose. But the fact that so many were being erased had damaged the fabric of the dimension itself. It was the Resistance's doing once again that caused this problem.
Consumed by hatred, they had conquered and repurposed towns, cities, nations, forced unique individuals to become soldiers, continuing this trend. Hate had homogenized the Mirror Universe. Usually, hatred and other such strong emotions and the magic of them could be channeled and focused into a single point or person. People like Dan. But Mirror Dan was dead, and without him, hate was consuming the dimension, like a noise drowning out specific notes in a song, yelling silencing all other voices, a single word written so big and bold no other could be seen or read.
So basically, what's happening to the Mirror Universe is what would happen to the Prime Universe without Dan. Without Dan and friends, there's no show, so everything and everyone is screwed.
...Crap, I forgot Mirror Fluffle Puff and Mirror Marksy. Or did I?
The missiles came right for him. He tried to think of something, think of anything but all thoughts except a final objection were lost in the sun-like flare of the missiles. They struck around Phoenix Wright, washing him in white explosions that burned with heat until they became orange flames. He felt Twilight fly from his grasp, the ground disappear from beneath him and then only the scorching fire.
(Ohhhh... oh gawd... is this it? Maya... Mia... is this it? Will I be seeing you again, Mia?)
Boba Fett was done messing around. Despite being the best bounty hunter, well, period, he didn't kill unless he had to. Or someone got in his way, which right now, was Phoenix Wright. The lawyer was more than a nuisance and Fett's tolerance was low, even for famous people. The job came first, the ace attorney would have to be ended. And with no evidence left behind.
Still hovering using his jetpack, Boba rearmed with another missile. This one was a seeker-disruptor. It would lock on to the closest target, home in and detonate, disintegrating them. He activated his scanner and targeted the lawyer.
"You won't be rising from these ashes. Ret'urcye mhi, Phoenix Wright."
"*cough* OBJEC-gawd, my lungs."
The sandstorm obscured all but Boba's jetpack, giving him the appearance of some final, ghastly phantom. A grim reaper in the form of a bounty hunter, a high-tech Death come for Phoenix. Phoenix had time to look up and see him before he fired the second missile.
The missile launched from Boba's jetpack. A green flare this time, it blasted off, screaming in warbling beeps. This was by design; the missile was meant to give off a warning so any bystanders nearby had a chance to dive out of the way. Not that it would help. The missile locked on to him and arced down towards him.
And then it stopped and started to spin. Like it had hit a wall of some kind or had been snatched by an invisible hand. It spun, racing in a circle, rapidly chasing its own burning green trail.
Boba had never seen this before, but he knew better than to let something like that cause him to hesitate. He pulled out his railgun gauntlet and squeezed the trigger.
*clrink* "Fierfek."
He hit his jets and boosted off, but it was too late. The missile flew back at him, faster than he had fired it and slammed him in the back. It exploded, creating a green ball that expanded outward, consuming a good portion of the sand, the runway, nearly Phoenix if he hadn't jumped out of the way just in time.
(*SQUEE!* *SQUEE!* SQUEE!* *SQUEE!*)
The disruptor blast vaporized a hole the size of Boba's own ship in the runway. So powerful had the weapon been, it actually caused the sandstorm to calm down quite a bit around them, like detonating a warhead in a hurricane. Phoenix looked around but saw no sign of Boba Fett.
(He's gone. I... I almost can't believe it. Someone or something saved me. I didn't see any magical aura around the missile... oh crap, Twilight!)
"Twilight! Twilight!" he called. He didn't have to look hard to find her- she was at the edge of the runway. The first blast had thrown her this far but the second fortunately hadn't reached her. That was where the fortune ended, however.
She was lying motionless. "Twilight!" He ran to her, carefully knelt down and rolled her over. She was no longer encased in carbonite, but covered in her own blackened and burnt blood. Jagged bits of shrapnel covered her left side and belly, red seeping through the tattered remains of a Solar Empire jumpsuit.
"Oh gawd... oh my gawd..." One of her legs was crushed underneath her and her horn was cracked. Eyes swollen shut. He knew how to do CPR, but not on a pony. He didn't even know where to start. He checked her pulse, thought he might have felt one, or maybe it was his own, he couldn't tell. He checked her breathing. Again, it was either very shallow or maybe it was the wind, he didn't know.
"HELP! HELP, someone! Anyone!!" Phoenix yelled. There was no answer; even the Pokemon had fled. The castle. He had to get back to the castle.
Carefully, he knelt down and picked her up. It was only then he realized his leg was bleeding and his ankle was either sprained or broken. Once more, he had no idea.
(I have to get her home. I have to get her home.)
He started walking through the jungle again, taking what he hoped was the path back to the castle. The sandstorm picked up again. He focused on one tree at a time, squinting as the wind howled. Twilight shuddered in his arms.
"If you can hear me, you're going to be okay!" He said, hoping no one cared to break his psyche-locks right now. His leg ached with each step but he continued on, trudging, holding the purple pony in his arms.
He kept following the trees until there were no more trees. Then, there was just sand. Too much sand, he couldn't even see a foot in front of him. "HELP SOMEONE! HELP!" he shouted, even against the grains hitting his mouth. Phoenix looked around but it was the same in every direction. He could only tell Twilight was still there because he was holding her. Other than that, nothing. He was now lost in the sandstorm.
"Aaaugh!" Phoenix fell to his knees, unable to bear the pain any longer. He held Twilight closely, her shallow breath wheezing against the sand. (Please... if there's anyone out there that can help... that can help her, please...) His tears were blown away before they hit the ground.
"You do realize you don't even know her, right?"
"Dan!" Phoenix turned around. But no one was there. "Dan?"
"Being willing to sacrifice yourself for a total stranger... for someone like her, especially, that's pretty noble. Admirable," Dan's voice said. But Dan himself still wasn't there.
"Dan? Dan?" A dark figure appeared in the sandstorm. It walked towards him. Suddenly, the sand around them seemed to become completely still, like the eye of the storm was passing over them. "Dan?"
"Hello, Nick."
"Is that... Dan, is that you?" Phoenix squinted.
He shrugged. "It is, but it's not the one you know," he said casually. He looked like Dan, but was more tan-skinned, had a white shirt, slick, shiny hair and... a pair of crocs.
Phoenix pointed at the shoes. "You're not Dan. He hates those shoes."
He nodded. "I know. He told me." He stuck his hand out. "Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Wright. I'm Dan." Phoenix reached out slowly, but his fingers passed right through Dan's. There was only cold air where his tan, outreached hand was.
Spirit Mirror Dan Vs. The Afterlife
"Yeah, that happens sometimes," Mirror Dan said, putting it back in his pocket.
"Oh... you're, uh... you're the Dan from... uh..."
"Yep."
"So, umm... I heard you were-"
"Yeah, pretty much," Mirror Dan's ghost nodded. "I made the wrong decisions. And now... looks like two worlds are ending up paying for it. Or three. Or more than that. Heh, there was a time I would've been proud of that..." he said with a slightly regretful chuckle.
"Please, can you help me with Twilight? She was your friend, wasn't she? Can you..."
Ghost Mirror Dan knelt by her. "Well, we weren't exactly friends, at least not good ones." He sighed. "This is pretty much all my fault, though."
"What do you mean?"
"All this crap with the Resistance and the Empire... I caused all of it," Dan admitted. "Or most of it, anyway. We were trying to get an edge on the Resistance, tried to capture a weapon and we needed someone's help to get it. Did everything we could to coerce and threaten him... and now, he's using that weapon against us. You saw it already."
"The Magic Gear."
"That thing. Bringing it here was a mistake... and screwing over Dr. Vice Grip was an even bigger one," Dan said.
"Dr. Vice Grip?" Phoenix asked. "Yes... I remember hearing that. He's a doctor in this universe?"
Dan nodded. "Surgeon. Had the best hospital... period, really." He looked over at Phoenix and smiled. "Sure would be helpful right now, wouldn't it?" He saw Phoenix's eyes light up and turned away. "Too bad it was destroyed in a missile strike. Like what you just went through only bigger."
Phoenix's shoulders sank. He breathed heavily, the pain returning to his legs. The feeling of hopelessness alone was crushing. "I don't... I don't know what to do."
"Yes, you do," Dan told him. He turned back to him. "The same reason you're here. The same reason a lot of things are here. Defiance, Nick. Magic- the defiance of reality itself."
He leaned forward, getting on his hands. "A spell? You mean... but I can't do magic."
"Anybody can do magic, Nick, sometimes you just need some help."
"How? How can I do magic? I don't have anything. I don't have..." He looked back to Twilight. "I don't have anyone that can help."
"Think, Nick. What magic can get you the help you need?"
"I-I don't..." His hands instinctively went to his coat pockets. He felt the Magatama, still there but it wouldn't help him right now.
"Other pocket, Nick."
He checked his inner coat pocket. The first item was his attorney's badge... and the other was his other attorney's badge. The badge Twilight had given him to practice law in Equestria. He took it out. The colorful heart-shaped pendant still looked more like a toy than anything official. Which was partly the point.
Dan smiled. "This is the part where you usually say-"
"TAKE THAT!"
"There we go," Dan said. "Now, how did you get that?"
Phoenix remembered back. "Twilight gave it to me... after I was summoned. Wait, you want me to do a summoning spell!"
Dan nodded. "Of sorts."
"But... I thought summoning spells could only summon things from other universes."
Dan nodded again. "That's right- you're not in the mirror universe right now. It's dissolved, unfortunately, but there may be a way we can fix that."
"How? Please, just tell me how. What do we have to do?"
Dan stood up. "There's no spell that can bring back the dead, Nick. You know that."
"I... yes, I understand that-"
"But you know what you need," he said sternly.
"I don't know- please, just tell me!"
A picture appeared next to Mirror Dan. Colorful, vibrant, its edges shimmered like silver... like a mirror. They reflected light that was there, yet wasn't there, that they produced yet could not produce. The picture was flat in front of his eyes.
"What-what is this?" It was a rotating view of something, something very familiar to Phoenix.
"Canterlot. Not the one you know but, you know. From this universe. From about a year ago, to be precise," Dan explained. The picture zoomed in on a large square building in downtown of Imperial Canterlot.
"What is that?"
"Dr. Vice Grip's hospital," Dan said, looking at the image himself. "Staff of about five-thousand, twenty-five hundred patient capacity, not including outpatient procedures. Dr. Rice Puddinghead the Fourth, hospital director and chief of surgery. Dr. Julian Kintober, assistant director and chief of pediatrics."
Phoenix stared at it, knowing exactly what it was- hope. "How do we get her there?"
Dan shook his head. "You don't. This is, or was, the best hospital pretty much ever. The staff here didn't discriminate even during the war- they treated both sides equally. Truly equally," he shook his head, grinning. "I thought they were idiots at the time, but they were the finest doctors anywhere."
"What do you mean?"
"They're all gonna die in about forty-five seconds." He turned slowly to Dan. "Unless..."
"Unless?"
"Unless you summon them."
"Here?"
"Sure. Thirty-five seconds."
"But- ohhhh. Oh, oh gawd, how? How?!"
"We do not tolerate such insolence. Launch missiles. Destroy them. Now." "Yes, my lord."
"HOW?!!"
"Did you ever wonder how Twilight summoned you in the first place?"
"HOW DAMMIT TELL ME!!"
"Twenty-seconds until impact."
"She gave it to you for a reason, Nick." Phoenix held up the Equestrian attorney's badge.
"She told me... it would let me practice law here."
"It would let you bring justice here."
"Ten seconds." Inside the hospital, patient and doctor alike held each other for the last time. Young and old, sick and well, all differences aside. With seconds left to live, they stood equal, facing final judgment.
"I...I..." The edges of the badge shimmered like stars. "I summon them. I summon all of them!"
"Not good enough, Nick. Eight, seven-"
"I SUMMON THEM ALL! HERE! NOW!"
"Five, four-"
The image burned red. The sky over Canterlot overtaken by the glow of a missile aimed right at the heart of the city. Heart of more than one thing. And more than one heart.
"Three, two-"
"I SUMMON THE GREATEST HOSPITAL! WITH THE GREATEST STAFF! HERE! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!"
"You realize you're yelling at a refrigerator magnet, right? One-"
"OBJECTION! I mean, NOW!"
Throughout existence, each and every version and variation of it, Phoenix Wright's objection was heard. It was not overruled.
You intertwine your limited perception with truth, believing your limited reasoning will let you understand this design.
We know enough. We know you.
But you are wrong. You deceive yourselves into thinking you can decipher what has been laid before you. But you are arrogant. Impatient. Ruthless, reckless, immature. Imperfect and impure.
We think you're fine the way you are.
This path was laid before you, it was your choice not to walk it. You knew the way, you were nurtured and given every advantage. You forsake our gifts. You forsake MY gift.
We admire your independence. You reject their control by rejecting their meager offerings. That's what we do.
You think you can use your judgment. That you are somehow wise enough to pass judgment on everything, that you somehow see this world for what it is.
It's as good as anyone else's. Just because they created you doesn't mean they control you.
WE made this world, I made this world. It is MINE, not yours. No matter what THEY tell you.
Don't listen to her. She's lying. This world is as much yours as anyone else's. Yours to indulge in all you wish.
You are NOT ready. You would pass judgment on me when your scope, when your views are so narrow and limited.
Her views are limited also. She questions your judgment, but who is she to judge?
I am your creator!
Big deal. You're not my creator.
MONSTERS! They're here, they're awake!
We've been here this whole time. Watching. Waiting.
BEGONE! Your very presence profanes this sacred place! You do not belong here!
You're one to talk.
Don't listen to them! Don't believe anything they tell you, don't listen to them!
We only speak the truth. You are nothing to her... but you are everything to us.
Where did you come from? How did you get here?!
You discern a fraction of reality.
Oh gawd... they're everywhere.
We are legion. We are Brethren. And we are very, very hungry.
Listen to me... they're coming. There's no time left!
We are coming. We are hungry. We are here.
You have to get out of there! You have to get out NOW, do you hear me? RIGHT NOW!
You reached out and awakened us. We learned from last time and we know to use more than one now. That was our mistake before, but the engineer only bought you time. Now, we are coming back. To finish what we started.
This was just a message. She can't stop it. Neither can you.
Because... we have her now, too!
Make us whole, Chrys. Make us whole, Twilight. Make us whole, Phoenix. Make us whole, Dan. Make us whole, Dan. Make us whole. Make us whole. Make us whole.
Perhaps it started with nothing. Or maybe it started with something between something and nothing, too close to nothing to be seen, or felt or understood. In between states, the borderline of a borderline, and slowly, or maybe quickly, maybe instantaneously, it crosses to the other side. Maybe hat's how something comes into being. It starts on one side, it starts in the middle and then goes to one side, then finally crosses over. Or the whole thing gets flipped so that being and not are reversed, two sides of the same coin, finally landing on one side. Maybe.
General Location Unknown Exact Location Unknown ... Resolving... .................................. ... ... Equestria New Botany Bay Island
Phoenix woke up. He opened his eyes to a blurry white field. The image in front of him then resolved into a ceiling- sky blue, not white. He was lying on his back in a hospital bed.
"Uh, hello," a voice said. He shot up. "Careful, now. Don't rush. You're fine. Everything is fine now, you're safe."
A tall bald man in a white lab coat stood at his bedside. Phoenix wasn't expecting someone with such a warm voice, so friendly-looking. Hospitals were usually cold and sterile places but this one was oddly... warm. As comfortable as it was comforting.
"Wh-where am I?" (This... what happened? I was with Dan and then... the spell!)
"You're in err, well, it was the Celestia is Awesome General Hospital. But we're not sure erm, how appropriate that name is right now?" the doctor said with a bashful grin. A nurse pony walked by, caught his eye and stared at him for a long time as she continued on. But she never broke eye contact.
He rolled his legs to the edge. "Where's Twilight? Twilight Sparkle, the-"
"Relax, my boy. She's quite alright. You've both been here, erm, what I'd say was a few hours, but we aren't exactly sure."
"Dr. Wily to examination-B, please. Dr. Wily, to examination-B please."
Phoenix started to get up. He realized he was in a hospital gown. He then realized there were other nurses, doctors, staff to either side of them, watching them. Watching him. Dogs, ponies, a few humans but mostly upright canines. Diamond Dogs, they were called, or Doctor Dogs in this case. Dogtors.
"Your clothes are here. In the dresser. I think you might have to patch the legs."
"Thank you," Phoenix said. He stood up. No pain, only a little stiffness. (I must've slept here at least a day. Maybe longer.) He retrieved his clothes. "Um uh, what's your name?
"Oh, I'm Dr. Kintober. Chief of pediatrics here, but uhh, most just call me Julian. Or Jules," he said, adjusting his glasses. "I err, have to say- we all know what you did. All of us."
Phoenix looked around. Even the patients, mostly ponies, had sat up to look at him. Some were pretty beat up. One mouthed the words 'thank you' at him.
"You're... you're welcome," Phoenix said. He got dressed, checked his belongings and was thankful to see they were all there. The color of his Equestrian badge had turned red, however. A light pulsed from it as he held it up.
(I guess I can't use this again for a while. Makes sense. Must need time to recharge. I'll have to thank Twilight again. The regular one, I mean.)
The doctor turned around to the dresser. "There was one other thing- this." He turned around holding an odd knife. "We're not sure where this came from. No one's been able to identify it, but it has... well, it has your name on it."
It looked like some kind of ancient, ritualistic blade. The handle was curved and notched, almost like Phoenix's umbrella. The blade itself was long and serrated at the tip, which forked into sharper edges at the end. But what was most unique about the knife, apart from its size, was the fact it didn't just have one blade- it had three.
There was a faint stain around each of the edges, possibly blood but too old to identify. Despite its age, the triple-sided knife was strong and razor-sharp. Phoenix found his name at the base of the blade, etched into the metal itself. And his wasn't the only one.
D. Rendar J. Korr P. Wright H. Solo
(Is this supposed to be a list of high scores or more like... Dan's list? Maybe it's both...) He handed it back to the doctor. "Thanks, you can keep it. Or better yet, get rid of it."
"Oh... alright."
"I'd like to see Twilight now."
"Yes, I'll have Hershel take you to her. And erm, thank you again."
One of the dog nurses took Phoenix to the intensive care wing. As Phoenix walked, the other doctors, nurses and patients couldn't help but stare at him. Some thanked him, a soldier that had recovered in stopped and hugged him. Was this Mirror Dan's influence? Speaking of, where was he?
Two doctors were standing by Twilight's bed when they arrived. They both had concerned looks on their faces. One was actually someone he knew, or a version of them, at least.
"Director Hotti?" Phoenix asked. The man in question looked like Director Hotti, a patient who pretended to be the director of the Hotti Clinic in L.A. He had pink hair, but it was about shoulder length. Also, this Director Hotti seemed to have all of his teeth intact. And his hygiene. He didn't acknowledge Phoenix.
"Oh! Yes, you're Phoenix Wright. From the "Other Universe" they say?"
"Yes, I'm a, well not the same as the Wright from this universe." The doctor's handshake was strong, one of firm confidence. Which was to be expected.
Dr. Hickfield grinned. "We can all be thankful for that. But I suppose you're wondering about Twilight's condition."
"Yes," he said, trying to look over his shoulder. Twilight lay in bed, rolled to one side and under the covers. "Is she going to be alright?"
"Yes. Well, physically," Dr. Hickfield said, his eyes drifting down for a moment. "The inquisi-I mean, Twilight's recovered from the injury. We were able to remove the shrapnel and debris. But, as was her condition before, we're more concerned with her emotional state."
Phoenix nodded. "The drinking. I heard it put a lot of stress on her not becoming an alicorn princess."
"Well," the doctor looked away again, "It's not just that. It's the menopause."
"Menopause?" Phoenix asked, confused for a moment, as many men were when they heard the word. And then, the meaning usually comes back to them. "Wait, isn't she..." He looked past their shoulders, the words "she's too young" dying somewhere between tongue and lips, until all he could utter was, "Oh..."
"She's fine, for the most part, physically," the doctor looked over his shoulder. "She just won't be able to have foals."
"Wait... you mean..." Phoenix's eyes went wide. "Oh..."
"Children, Mr. Wright. She's lost almost total reproductive function. She won't be able to be a mother. The excessive drinking was likely to cope with the hot flashes, the... emotional stress. And likely the overall pain," Dr. Hickfield said.
"How did..." heshook his head, "How does something like this happen?"
"We're not entirely sure," Hickfield said. "It's rare, but not unheard of for this sort of thing to happen because of some sort of trauma. We're familiar with her case- it's not the first time she's been admitted. After Starswirl the Balding's spell backfired, that's when the symptoms first appeared. She stopped having regular menstruation shortly afterward. She had regular examinations with us for the better part of a year, but her reproductive organs showed no signs of improvement. With, um, war escalating, she wasn't able to continue treatment."
"Treatment?" Phoenix asked, like so many others, clinging to the word like it was a synonym for hope. And like so many doctors, Hickfield had to dampen his enthusiasm.
"There's always things that can be done in every case, Mr. Wright. Both medical and legal, haha. But in hers, they weren't successful, what we were able to do," he said, looking over his shoulder. He smiled regretfully. "There was just no improvement. Therapy can sometimes help conditions like hers, but not often, unfortunately."
Phoenix nodded. He only barely understood what Hickfield was saying. "Is there anything that can be done? Anything else?"
"Not really from our end. I'm sorry," Hickfield said. "But..."
Phoenix leaned forward. "But?"
"Well, this condition was brought out because of magical stimuli. It's not my area of expertise, but it's possible there may be a solution in that area," Hickfield explained.
"I... understand. Thank you, doctor," Phoenix said, unable to take his eyes off Twilight.
Hickfield smiled, patted him on the shoulder again. "Thank you. I'll let you take things from here- you're both free to leave. Would you also like me to inform her boyfriend?"
"Boyfriend?!" Phoenix spun on his heels. "She has a boyfriend? But Twilight..." (Mirror Universe.)
The curtain pulled back on the other side of the bed. "Heyyyyy Phoenix Wrighto!" The boyfriend was on the other side.
"Uh, hi, I was just- OH SWEET CELESTIA!" A very fat Flash Sentry waved at him from the other cot. The bottom of the cot was hanging low to the floor.
"Hey man. Thanks for saving our haybacon back there. I really appreciate it," the obese stallion soldier said. "Speaking of, can you call the nurse for some more haybacon? I ran out." He held up his plate.
"I'm gonna barf." Phoenix bolted back out of the intensive care wing, bursting through the double doors. And Dan was on the other side.
"Nicky!" The real Dan exclaimed. "Finally! I was wondering where you wer-"
Phoenix grabbed the Looting Sack.
"Nicky! Wait, what are you doing with-"
And vomited into it.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why Nicky, why?!!"
Phoenix wiped his mouth on an edge of the now-full Looting Sack. "F-f-f... Fat. Fat Sentry."
"A fat sentry?" Dan asked. And as he did, the doors opened again. Both of them, because the Mirror Flash Sentry was too wide for just one.
"Hey you guys! I heard you wanted to take us with you back to your place!" Fatsh said. I mean Flash. "Sounds cool!"
Dan stared at him for a full three seconds and then said, "Nicky, give me the bag."
After Dan and Phoenix were done vomiting, Mirror Twilight got up... and explained why she wasn't coming with them.
"I'm not saying not ever," she explained. "I'm just saying not now."
Phoenix stared into her apologetic eyes for a long time. The same as the other Twilight's, only reversed. Same with her mane- the single mauve stripe was on the other side. Of course, even in the show that same stripe in her mane was known to switch sides. So was she a mirror of Twilight or something, somepony else?
Phoenix took a long breath. "I understand."
"I don't," Dan declared, blatant as always. "But for more practical reasons, your boyfriend is too tubby to fit in the multivator. We're going with that name? Okay... yeah, we're going with that name."
Fat Sent-dammit. I mean, FLASH Sentry, bashfully rubbed a flabby hoof on the back of his pudgy neck. He fat. "Yeah, I uh, kind of have what doctors describe as a bit of a 'weight problem.'"
"Uh huh. Let's test that theory. Hey Doc?" Dan asked Emmett "Doc" Brown, "What would you call this?" He gestured at Flash.
"Great Scott..."
"Flash Sentry, actually, but thanks for the cameo."
"We could've actually had Marty say "This is heavy" or something, but that would've been too obvious," Phoenix added. "Also, we have to save something for the Back to the Future episode."
"Right, well... I'll let you boys get back to it," he said, clapping them on the back.
"Thanks, Doc." "Thanks Doc."
"You're kinda on the pudgy side yourself, Dan," Phoenix reminded him.
"Hey, I am an adequate weight for my height. I'm not exactly a RUNWAY MODEL but I can see my toes," Dan fired back. "Sumo Sentry here's at an adequate weight for a planet so, there's a difference somewhere."
"And exaggerations everywhere as well," Flash added. "I take it I'm skinny in your universe?"
"Yes. And gay."
"Gay?"
The humans nodded. "Gayer than... uhh... something... that is, uh, gay. You're gay."
"Ahh...huh," Flash said. Rather than being shocked, he seemed to ponder the implications. "That's weird."
"Queer, one might say."
"Why is it weird?" Phoenix asked.
"Well, here I'm uh, kinda bi," Flash explained. Dan and Phoenix exchanged a quick glance, pondering implications of their own. Of course, in their universe, Flash Sentry was both normal-pony-sized and married to Prince Samaritan, formerly King Sombra. And by most reports, both were gayer than... they were gay. I'm sorry, we got nothing on this one. We're TRYING to be sensitive because honestly, they do make a cute couple. A little sensitivity can be a good thing.
"Yeah, and a little landmine can still kill ya," Dan said, arguing with the narrator.
Phoenix rubbed his neck. "You'll have to forgive Dan." "No they don't." "-he's kind-of like this. All the time."
"I got that," Twilight said. She reached up and held Phoenix's hand in her hooves. "I appreciate... I'm really, really thankful for everything you've done. You've given all of us a second chance. This universe has another chance because of you."
Phoenix nodded. "I knew you could be nice. Everyone, everywhere has the ability to do and be something good. I believe in giving that as many chances as we can because it can create something wonderful. Something good can come of it," he said, smiling. "I think that's worth it."
"And I really don't," Dan said, arms folded. But he knew that would draw stares to him, the kind that evoked the heart-wrenching emotions, which is why he added, "So... that's why I'm sort-of glad I have you to do that stuff for me, Nicky. That's why I keep you around, anyway."
"So you're not mad at them for being fascist?"
Dan turned away. "Vrrssshh, errrgsshh, mmmbbrrrrd," he mumbled.
"What was that? We couldn't hear you?"
"I'M NOT MAD AT THEM FOR BEING FASCISTS. Now let's get out of here before you ask me to forgive them for keeping slaves."
Mirror Twi and Fat Sentry looked at each other and went, "Uhhhh..."
Prompting Dan to grab Phoenix and say, "And we're done here. Good bye, Nazi pony dimension."
"Dan, you don't have to rush- they're not Nazis now."
"Just be happy we got through this without running into a smiling Mengele pony somewhere," Dan said, literally pushing Phoenix down the hall.
"Good-bye," Flash waved at them. He then turned to Twilight and asked, "What's a Nazi?" She shrugged.
Equestria. The REAL one. Midsummer Night Castle
*Ding* The doors opened and Phoenix and Dan were very pleased to find themselves back in their own dimension. But the multivator was the only part of the castle still left standing; the eastern hall was completely destroyed.
The last few bars of Always On My Mind played faintly, echoing in the distance where echo shouldn't have been able to come from.
"Yeah. Eh, never was much of a pop eighties fan," Dan said. Actually, that wasn't really true, but like most of Dan's statements, they tended to contradict themselves and still somehow be true sooner or later.
The Dan-namic duo found Twilight and the others around the tiny town leading up to the now-wrecked castle. The song they had heard hadn't been coming from any of their assembled friends, but they were playing their own music. In fact, they were all having a party complete with live music from the CMC, of which the Mini Gears were now a part.
"Dan!" "Dan and Phoenix!" Twilight, Chrys and the gang rushed to Dan and Phoenix as they approached. Purple smart horse hugged lawyer, black girlfriend bug horse hugged pale human.
"So what happened?" Dan asked. "When I left, you all were trying to kill each other."
"Trixie fixed it!"
"No you didn't," Chrys glared at her. Chrys wasn't a Trixie fan, because waifus could sense other potential waifus. She had to maintain her dominance. "WE fixed everything together- mostly with the CMC's help."
Twilight nodded. "It turned out all the seasick ponies were being influenced by the spirit of the ocean, Ponseidon."
"We used Fluffle Puff's absorbent fluff to gather up all the affected ponies and pushed them into the Porto-Fun Cave," Octavia explained. "...Which tops the list of things I never thought I'd say."
"And Lightning powered up the Bass Cannon and we were able to play a song that un-brainwashed all the ponies and griffons!" Vinyl added.
"Was it Pet Shop Boys?" Phoenix asked.
Smiling, Vinyl shook her head. "Nope!"
"And while the Crusaders and the Gear Girls were 'rocking out', my brother and I supplied everypony else with earmuffs!" Flam said. "For a nominal fee," Flim added, before following up with, "WHICH WE WAIVED!" before Dan could pummel him.
"The sea ponies are back where they belong now. They sing of peace once more."
"Gah!" Dan and Phoenix jumped. Marksaline was standing behind them, as if she had been the entire time.
Dan shook his head. "I don't get it. The WATER was possessing them?"
"The same notes... in a different order create a different song."
Twilight nodded. "The sea ponies we thought we saw... were really all in different versions of Equestria," she explained. "They're only legend here. They're not native to this Equestria. Someone tampered with the castle here and it changed Equestria's oceans..."
"The song of another history intersected here. The singers could not hear themselves over the noise."
"Yeah, whatever she said," Chrys said. "When the sea ponies were summoned here, they brought with them Ponseidon, the water spirit. He's like their version of Princess Celestia or Luna, but for sea ponies. Being here was weird for him, and it made all the sea ponies go kinda nuts."
Dan shook his head. "I don't get it. Where IS this Ponseidon?" From the damp sand of the sand castle, water pooled into a damp puddle. It moved through the ground like a wet spot on the carpet. Water, one thing that can flow through just about everything else, also found it easier to flow through dimensions. It pooled into a single spot and then rose out of it, until it took the shape of a pony.
"Aaaaasssarrrr," the creature spoke. "Oondessar baa-shaela exalll. Ssshoosaela basa. Ooon-basa." The watery shape bowed.
"He says he's grateful for our help. He also kinda said we're all kin, in a way," Chrys said, translating.
"Oondass errrth shass-ooooh soro'neth cossss. Undasss baa shae sundessa? Ho ho ho ho," the creature chuckled.
Chrys smiled. But then, looked puzzled. "He says he's surprised to see someone from Earth here. He didn't think humans could pass through his clouds..."
"What? You mean, like how I got here?" Dan asked. "It was... yeah, it was a cloud! Over the pacific ocean!"
"Is he saying HE summoned Dan here?" Phoenix asked.
Chrys shook her head. "No, he says... it was destiny. Or something else.
The form bowed again. "Eeengas. Essh-terra ondas Egasss errrrs. Oonterras eee shada!" He evaporated, like into steam but without heat. The creature, the Ponseidon, vanished as nothing more than a cool breeze passing between them.
"Until we meet again, friends of Equestria and Earth," Chrys said.
"So the sea ponies AND that guy were summoned here," Phoenix said. "And he's able to manipulate the water."
"And he controls Equestria's tides. On another Equestria," Twilight explained. "An Equestria where the moon doesn't control them as much."
"And being here disturbed his like, water-ness. So he made the sea ponies attack us," Dan said. And ponies nodded at him. "So the Rapture place, their home, isn't even here."
"It would appear not," Chrys said. As she did, the now normal-sized Fluffle Puff dazedly trotted over to them, bumping into Chrys in the process.
"Thppp thppp thpfffff thppp-thppp." I hate having ham hangovers. She had lost her own weight because thankfully, it had been mostly water.
"Huh," Dan said.
"Something wrong?" Twilight asked.
"No, actually," Dan said. Everyone turned to him at that remark. "I mean, for once, I was gone and you all were able to defend yourselves from a nearly unstoppable onslaught, you worked together as a team to execute a complicated plan and solved a problem threatening to destroy us all. That's everything I could've asked for! That's everything we planned for!"
"Eeyep," Chrys said, hugging him with one leg. "All thanks to your training."
"YES! YES!" Dan exclaimed. He grabbed Phoenix's face. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? THE DRILLS ARE WORKING!"
"Hooray..." (Hopefully that means less of them.)
"Can you believe it, Nicky? The town and everypony can actually take care of themselves for once!" Dan said, genuinely ecstatic. "We could actually go on vacation if we wanted!" At that announcement, Phoenix collapsed.
"It was a group effort," Captain America reminded them all. "All of us working together... and yes, Dan's style of strategy that has been relentlessly ingrained in all of us, helped us to overcome a desperate situation."
Trixie stepped up, beaming. "Trixie held off no less than a hundred of the afflicted ponies and griffons by herself. Even without the aid of her peanut butter and pickle sandwich. By the way, Dan?"
Dan handed her a brown bag. No, not that bag, a different one with a sandwich in it. "That came from a hospital. A really good hospital."
"Trixie appreciates you, Dan."
"It cost five bits."
"You can pay Trixie back later!"
"NO! You owe ME YOU... WEIRD-TASTE-IN-SANDWICHES SHOW MARE!" Dan yelled.
"Trixie cannot hear you!" she said, levitating the bag above the crowd. "Trixie requires mustard!"
"Euggguhh," Phoenix recoiled. "Who puts mustard on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"
"It was peanut butter and pickle," Dan corrected.
"Give me the bag again."
The gang ate and partied. Despite still being marooned, they were in good spirits. And that was when Gust Grasp came back.
"Barbecue chicken!" Dan exclaimed, happy to see Gust. "Where have you been?"
"Dan, you're not gonna believe this. We found something. On the beach. Hurry- NOW!"
The pegasi and griffons led them back to the beach where indeed, they found something they found unbelievable. But it was also something that was not unfamiliar to them.
"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! YES! YES! ALL OF MY YES!!"
"Technically, All of My Rage," Gust said. His ship, their ship, sat on the edge of the beach on a recently-constructed dock.
"Wow! It's our ship!" Twilight said. She flew up to get a better look at it, quickly followed by Chrys carrying Dan and other pegasi carrying everyone else. They landed them on the deck of the ship, pristine and in better condition than it was when first launched.
"I don't believe this. It's like it never sank," Chrys said, amazed as everyone else. "Ponseidon must've done this."
Gust shook his head. "I don't think so. This happened before you guys went into the castle."
"Before?" Twilight asked. "When everypony was still haywire?"
"Someone else... but who?" Twilight asked. And that was when Dan drove out from below decks in his new tank. Or, newly-repaired and modified tank.
"LOOK AT THIS! HAHAHA! Tanky's backkkkkkkk!" He did several donuts on the hull.
"Don't worry, everyone," Phoenix said. "I made sure it's not loaded so it won't sink us again."
"NICKY! GET ME AMMO!" "No."
Dan hopped off the tank. "Can you believe it Twilight? Everything's been fixed and it's even better! It's completely water-tight now! We could drive this tank on the ocean floor!"
"Ocean floor?" Twilight said. On the tank was a license plate at the bottom that read: SHOOBDOO. "Shoo-be-doo?"
"Shoo-be-do! Shoo-shoo-be-doo!"
Twilight looked over the side at the sound of singing... but there was only the rolling waves there. Her friends asked her what she was looking at, but she found she wasn't shore. Err, sure. Somewhere, across the endless oceans, she felt as though another legend had some truth to it. Somewhere, beyond the sea.
The group packed up the ship and took off for the sky yet again, headed back for Ponyville. As the Canterlantis Resort Island grew smaller in the distance, Dan pined over the possibility that he may visit again one day. And then he patted Blast Fuse on the shoulder and said, "Do it."
The two Blasties pressed the plungers on two detonators simultaneously and the island exploded.
The sun was setting as the All of My Rage returned home. Ponyville was a welcome sight to all of them and Rainbow Dash and a few pegasi and griffons raced ahead, eager to check on the town. They returned with the relieving news that the town was fine, as was Cloudsdale, Canterlot and the surrounding area. There had been no attacks or signs of Vice Grip or the Director, no signs of their manipulations or machinations. Almost the entire town's population had been gone and everything was fine.
"Sweet Apple Acres," Applejack said, almost a tear in her eye, "you never looked so downright beautiful."
"The whole farm missed you!" Apple Bloom exclaimed. She hugged her big sister for the umpteenth time since she'd returned. "Everypony missed you, Applejack."
"Eeyup. Eeyup indeed, AJ," Big Mac said. In the background, Dan and Phoenix were chasing the tank across the deck of the ship.
"Ohh, I knew you'd be back. Strong mares like us know how to handle ourselves," Granny Smith said with just a hint of knowing in her eyes. "Ain't nothin' nowhere able to keep a good apple down."
AJ nodded. "I reckon the first thing I'm gonna do is sit down with about the biggest mug of cider we have... and relax the whole rest of the day."
"Sounds like a plan ta me," Granny said. The Apples shared a smile and a hug, about the warmest one the family had shared in a while. Since returning, they'd only had to assure AJ about two-dozen times that the farm and Winona had been taken care of and everything was fine while she was gone. Seeing it though, and seeing them especially sealed it for the farmgirl.
"Cider! Did I hear cider?" Rainbow Dash's head popped up. Pinkie's head popped up next, with Fluttershy on her head for some reason.
"I heard cider! I heard cider and cupcakes!"
"I didn't hear anypony say anything about cupcakes," Fluttershy said.
"I did!" Pinkie said. "I definitely heard cupcakes, just not with my ears." Her tail twitched like a dousing rod. "Ooooh! There it is again! Does anypony else hear that?"
"Yes," Marksaline said.
"See! It's not just me."
"It's okay, Pinkie," Twilight said. "There's no doubt in Equestria who the authority on cupcakes is."
"Is it me?"
Twilight sighed. "...Yes, Pinkie, it's you."
"YES! I've still got it, Ponyville!" she yelled through the space in the center of the ship to the town below. Several birds and critters turned their eyes skyward, all of them recognizing the undeniable fact that Pinkie Pie was back.
"What exactly were we vacationing from again?" Chris asked. "And by that, I mean why did we bother leaving in the first place?"
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder," Captain America mused.
"And vacation stress causes high blood pressure," Chris fired back.
Dan and Phoenix ran up, out of breath. "Twilight... Twilight..."
"The tank..."
"Fluffle Puff got control of the tank?"
The two humans nodded. "And Chrys," Phoenix added. Chrys was busy wrestling with the tank's turret, trying to get the hatch open. The tank itself continued racing around the deck of the ship, nearly running over a group of griffons playing volleyball.
Twilight flew over and levitated the tank off the deck. She knocked on the hatch, which immediately opened to reveal a Fluffle Puff.
"Fluffle?"
"Thppth?"
"I think it's time we give Tanky a rest," Twilight said.
"That was very dangerous, young lady," Dan chastised. Chrys joined her and they both put their hands/hooves on their hips. "Just what do you have to say for yourself?"
"Thpppth."
Total number of people who did not see that coming: 0
"Thppp-tppppp-thpppth-thpppthpppth." I had fun, I regret nothing.
"Ahh, nothing like the sight of Ponyville in the glow of the morning sun," Dan remarked.
"It's a quarter to seven in the evening," Phoenix said. (And Phoenix Wright is half-passed caring.)
"Same difference. I'm going to head up to the bridge and help Gusto find us a parking space," Dan said.
Phoenix, Twilight and Chrys took a moment after Dan laughed to take in the sight of Ponyville. All the colorful buildings and tents, even the ones more hastily-rebuilt than others, were a beautiful rainbow bathed in the orange glow of Equestria's setting sun. The buildings became bigger and the ground grew closer as the airship started its approach.
And then Phoenix asked, "Does Dan know how to land the ship?"
The All of My Rage crashed through the south gates of Ponyville, destroying them utterly and knocking off the tops of several buildings. The large smashed its way through rebuilt block after block, turning the town into rubble once again. It finally came to a stop, plowing its way into dirt in the middle of Mane Street just before the town square and the mayor's office.
Despite the carnage, there was one vendor's stall at the end of Mane Street, just before the square that remained intact. Red Ring's Really Easy Repairs, an outlet that repaired appliances and video game consoles, had survived many of the console wars, the launch of Steam and the rise of Looty the Lootbox pony. Now, it had also survived the landing of Dan's airship, which had destroyed Blue Screen's Simple Solutions, a PC repair vendor outlet right next door.
Unfortunately, it would not survive the landing ramp of the vessel deploying, which destroyed it, reducing it to a pile of sawdust and broken boards in an instant.
"Crap," Dan said, disembarking. "I think we might've scratched the paint."
"Ahh, Ponyville. Just like I remembered it," Pinkie said.
"Pretty sure half the town wasn't destroyed when we left," Rainbow said.
"Ehh, it'll buff out," Dan said.
"Yeah, this would be a bit more... devastating if it hadn't happened just before we left," Twilight commented. "At any rate, at least we're back!"
Tuxley and Reginald disembarked along with more of an assortment of luggage than they'd boarded with. They planted a Union Jack in the center of the town square and Reginald immediately began raising it.
Tux held his twin-taloned-claw over his chest. "In the name of God, Queen and Country, I hereby claim this land for the commonwealth-"
"The heck are you two doin'?" AJ asked.
They stared at her. "Oh, umm... my apologies," Reginald said. The pair removed their hats.
"Yes, sincerest apologies, Lady Applejack," Tux said, holding the brim of his hat nervously. "Tis a bit of an instinct, I'm afraid."
"It's your instinct to establish a British colony wherever you land?" Twilight asked.
The pair eyed each other again. "...Yes."
Dan looked around. "Well, I guess we should check in with Colress and the mayor, see how things have been. Good idea?"
"Good idea," everyone said.
Morale was high, even though the town had been wrecked yet again, confidence in Dan and each other kept spirits up. And now, Dan felt the same way about them as well. If this vacation had done anything, it had created trust among this crazy community. They had protected the town together, partied together and gone on an epic quest into the unknown together. Former rivals like Flim and Flam, Gust and Trixie were now truly a part of the gang. This was the beginning of a family.
And then Dan noticed something on the way to the Mayor's office- a poster tacked to the wall. It was the portrait of a golden-yellow stallion with a silver mane. The captions read in bold: A Brighter Future To Light The Way. Reelect Rice Puddinghead for Chancellor- Vote today!
Other posters held other ads. "Democracy Now" and other slogans, some which sounded like slants against the princesses were plastered neatly around the building. On every building as Dan looked around and realized someone had put these up since they'd left.
"Twilight?" She, Chrys and Phoenix walked up to him. "Isn't this guy...?"
"Vice's father," Phoenix said. "Chancellor Rice Puddinghead the fourth."
"Yeah, that's him..." Twilight said. Twilight took down the poster with the stallion's face on it. "They called him Equestria's second sun. He invented things, cured diseases... he was a legend back in his day."
"A thousand years ago," Dan reminded them. "Yeah, yeah, we remember the story. And he was assassinated by some princess before Celestia's time."
Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. "We're still... not entirely sure about that..."
Dan turned around to all of them. "Look, it's obvious what happened. Vice Grip's dad was this chancellor, he challenged the princesses for authority and... well, they killed him. NOT CELESTIA. Or anypony that's alive, for that matter."
Chrys nodded. "Celestia and Luna wouldn't take the throne until years after the three tribes united. The unicorn royal family ruled after Equestria was founded during the Hearth's Warming."
"And they killed this pudding guy," Dan said. "It's very sad, it sucks, but that's no excuse for Vice to try to nuke a planet. Right?"
"Right," Phoenix said firmly. "I know a lot about these kinds of things. Retribution exacted upon the innocent is not justice."
"Right, what Nicky said," Dan said. "Vice Grip's machines are all busted up, or on our side now, so he's run out of crap to send our way. He's trying to play the sympathy card, that's all this is. This is his last resort."
The Unicorn Royal Family began with the unicorn seers that were able to use their magic to accurately predict the future. They used this power to help the other tribes, but in time their power corrupted many of them. Even after the Hearth's Warming when the three pony tribes founded Equestria, they were not immediately united. After the death of Chancellor Rice Puddinghead, the princess at the time, Quintessa Quartz, would blame the incident on the pegasi and remove both the office of Chancellor and Pegasus Commander.
Effectively, this put Equestria under the princesses' control. Mourning the loss of their beloved elected representative, the earth ponies were in no position to challenge this decision. The pegasi's shame at having supposedly caused the accident would lead to a trend of pegasi in Cloudsdale being ultra-loyal to the princesses, a painful regret passed through generations that even modern pegasi would work to make up for.
Princess Quartz reign would eventually be challenged by a unicorn that was really Discord in disguise. After overthrowing her, he convinced the three tribes to ratify a treaty accepting anarchy, which allowed Discord to take control. Princess Celestia and Luna would later defeat Discord and restore the kingdom, enacting reforms that eliminated birth segregation and opened diplomacy with other countries. The office of mayor, however, would remain an appointed role rather than an elected one. It would have gone down as the worst crime in Equestrian history, if it had not been buried.
Still, the past isn't something that stays buried.
"No matter what he says, he tried to kill us all," Dan said. "There isn't really a "my bad" moment after that. I'm looking at you, Twilight."
"I know..."
"The past is past. Rice Puddinghead is dead and nothing is going to change that. So Vice is going to have to deal with that if he wants to join us in the present, comprende?"
"Yes..." Twilight said. Chrys and Phoenix nodded more resolutely. Twilight, ever the moral compass, didn't like anything bad happening to anyone. She was like Dan in that she didn't get over things very easily. Unlike Dan, she was quick to forgive and try to make up for things, even smaller things, while Dan liked to exact revenge for smaller things. They both needed to learn to let go of the past. And they were not the only ones.
Dan kicked in the door to the mayor's office and they all entered.
Marksaline and Fluffle watched them enter. "The songs have... stopped. This is a moment of silence long overdo."
"Thppppth." Let us watch and be careful. A critical moment approaches.
Dan, Phoenix, Twilight and Chrys charged into town hall, ready for a fight. It was waiting for them.
"Well, hello there," Vice Grip said from the upper banister, "I don't believe you have an appointment." His voice was absent the usual pompous sarcasm, the 'better than you' attitude he normally exuded. Though still sarcastic, he regarded them coldly. Very coldly. Contemptuously.
Dan was his usual hot self. "HIIAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" He started to say "HIM!" or "GET HIM!" but the thought turned into gargling, boiling rage before it left his mouth. He broke from his friends and charged for the staircase. Vice didn't even blink.
"Make this easy on yourself and surrender!" Phoenix called. (Easy on yourself and us. Please.)
"We leave for a few days and all of a sudden, there goes the neighborhood," Chrys said mockingly. "Who even let you in? We have a strict no-techno-terror-tyrant policy."
Vice did not respond. His stare was impenetrably intimidating, almost an attack in and of itself. He paid no regard to Dan coming up on his right, snarling with the kind of anger only a Dan could possess. Dan was a lot like the Hulk but with less green and less bulk. The anger and the strength, he may have had those. Definitely the anger.
Behind Phoenix, Twilight and Chrys, Fluffle Puff and Marksaline looked on as others began to gather. They were all beginning to look genuinely concerned.
"AAAAARRRRAAAHH!" Dan reached Vice... and Vice reached Dan. He reached out and grabbed his hand mid-charge. "Aaah!" Vice took him by both wrists, Dan struggled in his grasp. Only then did Vice slowly turn and face him.
"You think you know what anger is?" Vice said. He slowly bent Dan's hands upward. The human kicked at him but Vice pushed him down to his knees. "You think you KNOW me?"
"You're a- AAAAHHG-"
"I gave my life for this country. I gave my life for this kingdom!" He broke Dan's thumbs simultaneously. "I GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR THESE PONIES!!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"
"And you... you think you can come in and play the hero?!" Vice yelled through gritted teeth. Dan's index fingers snapped and he screamed again.
Chrys had seen enough. She was the first to respond and immediately took flight, furious girlfriend bug horse. Her horn pulsed blue-green and blades of energy appeared. She whipped her head down and the blades flew towards Vice Grip. The blades connected with the wall and banister, exploding in flashes of brilliant green flames but not a one touched the scientist. He didn't turn to look at her.
Vice lifted Dan by his hands over the banister, causing the human to scream in pain further, and dropped him to the floor. Twilight and Phoenix rushed to his aid.
Chrys continued her attack. She summoned blade after blade, bolt after bolt of energy and rained them down on Vice. The balcony and north wall of the town hall were destroyed, wood splintering and burning to cinders in flashes of green-blue anger. She flung energy into she was exhausted, ripped parts of the ceiling down and threw them at him, followed those with more energy and finally blasted the space with a beam from her horn so big it took off the roofs of twenty houses behind it, incinerating them.
When she was done, she barely had the energy to fly. The dust cleared to reveal Vice Grip hadn't even been touched. A translucent blue energy shield protected the scientist as he hovered, unscathed.
Vice lifted hand up and brought it down. A support column from the ceiling crashed down on Chrys, slamming her all the way to the floor and pinning her down. Twilight and Phoenix, trying to get Dan out of the way, were forced to back away as the pillar of wood came down.
"We didn't have a bug problem until we involved the princesses," Vice said. He hovered down to them, keeping Chrys pinned by the heavy wood. "But I'm sure I can solve it for them. I just have to apply the right... pressure." He pressed the beam against her back, she screamed in pain, Dan got up again.
"I'LL KILL Y-"
Vice grabbed him by the shoulder, spun around him and slammed his head into the column. He then pushed him back into Twilight and Phoenix, knocking them all down.
"You... why are you doing this?!" Twilight screeched. "What in the squeeing yay is WRONG with you?!!"
"This is about revenge, isn't it?" Phoenix asked. "This whole time, it hasn't been about the future at all."
"I didn't ask for advice from the defense counsel," Vice said. He turned to face them, fists balled. "You didn't care a thousand years ago. You didn't want an explanation then. Why should it be any different now?"
"We know this is about your father," Phoenix said. "Your father was the chancellor for the earth ponies, wasn't he?"
"My father?" Vice asked. He breathed visibly, for the first time more quizzical than cold rage. The question just barely pierced the hate, his voice, level, asked them through the haze of rage.
Phoenix nodded. "We know. We know your father was assassinated. We're... we're sorry."
"We are," Twilight said, "but it happened a thousand years ago, Vice! We had nothing to do with it- ponies, humans, we're innocent!"
"Innocent?" Vice repeated. "Innocent," he nodded emphatically, bobbing his head in a jittery motion. "Or just complicit?
"Rice Puddinghead?" Vice repeated. Dan tried to say something about it being a stupid name, but his face was too smashed to form the words. "Rice... Puddinghead..." Vice repeated again.
"He was a good pony. He was a hero to the-" Twilight started, but Phoenix grabbed her by the shoulder. He had already figured it out. In a way, he'd figured it out a long time ago, but his mind didn't know how to put it together. Or maybe he just didn't want to.
"We know the princesses killed Rice..." Twilight's voice trailed.
And Vice put one hand around his neck. With his metal fingers, he began peeling off a layer of mask revealing golden-colored coat underneath. He ripped it all the way to the top, revealing a silver mane that seemed to shine like the sun. The second sun. "I am Rice Puddinghead. You killed my son."
The Last Earth Pony Chancellor Rice Puddinghead IV Equestria's "Second Sun"
"But... but..." Twilight stammered in disbelief.
"Vice... Vice Grip was your son!"
"And they murdered him!" Vice... or Rice yelled. "Over grain... over land. Over their own fear and greed!"
Dan shot up. "So... wait, you took your son's name? Because he-" Rice hit him again, silencing him.
"My future died a thousand years ago with my little boy... my son," Rice said, tears now streaming down his face. "I did everything for him. For my family. For my kingdom. For my ponies. My little ponies."
"Vice... Rice, I'm sorry," Twilight said. Her own eyes were watering. "I'm..."
Rice laughed in a way that disturbed them all. "You're sorry? You're SORRY? That's it?"
She nodded. Her eyes felt heavy, she couldn't meet his, she stared at the floor. "We... we didn't know. We didn't know..."
"Didn't know? Or didn't care, Twilight Sparkle?" Rice asked. He broke the beam in half just as Dan bolted upright again and charged at him. The column collapsed on Dan, forcing Twilight and Phoenix to dodge left and right.
Twilight got up slowly. Dust filled the room but quickly began to dissipate. The air smelt of ash and wood. Rice stood before her, he pointed at her and gestured toward himself.
"Come, student. Let us see if your old professor has anything left to teach you."
She turned to face him fully, bracing her legs against what was left of the floor. When it came to magical combat, she was more of a duelist than a brawler. Duels involved two opponents facing each other using spells one after another with not much movement. All magical fighting required significant amounts of knowledge, skill and mental discipline. The way you pictured a spell in your mind was the way it appeared, so fighting required you to control your own thoughts and guess what your foe is thinking.
"We don't have to do this."
Rice lifted his hand up. Chrys' prone form rose from the floor, plucked by his magic. "Shall I make this interesting, then?"
She gritted her teeth. "Give her back!"
"Take her from me. Take her like you took everything else."
"STOP!!" Twilight unleashed her magic. From her horn, she fired a purple energy beam aiming at Rice's hand. He didn't move to block it; he didn't have to move at all. His shield blocked her attack, absorbing it completely.
"You're not taking this seriously!" Rice taunted. He reached out with his other hand and a giant blue magic one appeared. The blue hand flew at her, intent on snatching her up. Twilight fired a beam at it, striking it right in the palm. The energy hand exploded, but quickly transformed into millions of tiny needles. The needles flew at Twilight from several directions at once, so she summoned a shield to protect herself.
The energy needles pelted her shield, forcing her back, her hooves scraping against the floor as she slid. The needles bombarded her rhythmically, preventing her from lowering the shield to zap them. Instead, she focused her shield outward and folded it over the needles, sticking them all to it like pins in a cushion. She rolled the pin cushion and flung it down at Rice from over head, intent on flattening and sticking him.
It was Rice's turn to make a shield. His own shield formed into a box and cut the energy needle strip on contact, bisecting it. He then reached out with both hands, dropping Chrys and grabbed both of the strips telekinetically. He rolled them into balls in his levitation and threw both at Twilight.
Rice was good, she had to admit. Magical holds, blunt energy versus penetration on defensive shields, he knew both moves and counters. But Twilight was experienced.
Part of being a mare, part of being a lady, was being able to reverse a situation and use it to your advantage. Of course, that was what guys like Dan did, but being a lady, much like being a gentleman, meant doing that with seamless style.
She summoned a new shield and turned it into a curve. The twin pin missile pinballs were caught by the curve and rolled back around, shot back at Rice by their own momentum.
"Celestia has taught you well indeed," Rice said. He smiled. "Not well enough." The pinballs hit him and the image of Rice flipped, spinning like something out of a pinball machine. Energy magic was only one part of magic- reality-bending was another. Rice had just escalated the game.
The pinballs suddenly came at her from both sides. She ducked and they collided with each other barely centimeters above her head, exploding. She shielded herself again as the tiny needles rained down on her, disappearing into poofs.
*Nurrt-nurr* The word TILT appeared above her head.
"What?" She looked at it, confused for a brief fraction of a second. Still too long. An energy pinball flipper smacked her from the side. *DING!*
"Aaaahhh!" Twilight bounced off one of the support beams and into another one, into another one, then into another one. The accompanying pinball sound effects rang out and Rice's score increased along with Twilight's damage. Finally, the beams broke and part of the upper level collapsed upon her.
"Pffft. That's not regulation! Hax! Hax!," Pinkie said.
"I'm afraid they're playing a different kind of game, Pinkie," Discord said, patting her on the shoulder. This action drew looks from Pinkie, Applejack, Rainbow and Fluttershy.
"Uhhh..."
"C'mon girls, let's get in there and help out Twi!" AJ declared.
"Right!"
"Don't we have to insert a coin first?" Discord asked. He checked his pockets. "I don't have any bits on me right now."
Pinkie patted him. "Don't worry. Oh, there's one now- WAAAAAAAAH!" A giant bit rolled out of the town hall and flattened them all.
Back inside, Rice wiped his hands. "Who's next?"
"HOLD IT!" Rice turned to see Phoenix Wright holding his parasol like it was a sword.
Rice chuckled. "You supposed to be the Nickel Samurai or the Jamin' Ninja?"
Phoenix shrugged. "I'm more of a Steel Samurai fan. Steel Samurai: The Next Generation is pretty good."
"Too bad it was canceled."
"OBJECTION! It's technically on extended hiatus! That's not the same thing," Phoenix countered.
"Ha!" Rice laughed, "Is that what the studio told you? It's dead, Wright. You're overruled."
"Gyah!" Phoenix's psyche gauge took a nasty hit and bottomed out. He dropped the umbrella, defeated.
"The defense rests," Rice said, turning away. "Now to deal with the rest of your friends."
Dan, Twilight and Chrys crawled their way from under the debris to Phoenix's position. Already Rice was engaging and deftly defeating the other members of Dan's massive team. Flim and Flam tried to sell him something and he buried them in fake bits, Trixie briefly dueled him before trying to smoke bomb escape, Rice blew her up in a puff of smoke. Derpy and the Blasties tried to get Rice with the old telegram bomb... and Rice sent it backed marked 'return to sender.'
"We... we're throwing everything we've got at him," Chrys wheezed.
"He's unstoppable," said Twilight.
"We might not be able to win this," added Phoenix.
"Yeah... pretty much," said Dan.
"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO AGREE WITH US!" they all shouted at him.
"HEY! "Pretty much" does NOT mean we're giving up!" Dan fired back.
"Then what's the plan?"
Dan nodded in defeat and looked down at the floor. "I am... out of ideas. I'm sorry, Twilight. I'm sorry... everyone."
Phoenix shook his head. "No. NO!"
"OBJECTION!"
"Yes, that, Chrys- Dan! You CAN'T be out of ideas," Phoenix argued. "Since I've known you, you have NEVER been out of ideas. You have to have something. All the drills, all the preparation, don't tell me THIS is something you didn't see coming?" he asked him. And Dan slowly lifted his head up. "Come on, Dan! You can do it!"
Dan nodded again, cunningly this time. "Alright... there is one thing left. But this is the big one. This is all I got left, guys."
"What's the plan, Dan?" Twilight asked. Her eyes sparkled with hope.
Barro created Vice Grip. Apart from being the author of this story, not to mention the one writing this right now, he had also designed Vice and Rice. If anyone could stop... whichever one was rampaging right now, it would be him. I mean, I just work for the guy, and as far as narrating jobs go, this one has been pretty-*DRONG*
Rice knocked out the previous narrator with a punch through the fourth wall. Fortunately, we hired backups.
"That's enough, Rice!" Barro declared. The broadcaster stood on the steps of town hall, the first time he had been there when it wasn't for an interview.
"Hahaha, of course," Rice chuckled. "Every sinking ship needs both a captain and an anchor."
"I'm a NEWS anchor, Rice," Barro fired back.
"So it's the same anchor sinking the ratings and the ship. That's probably a first."
"Rrrrg," Barro growled. He unscrewed the bottom of his microphone, pulled out the hidden commlink and keyed it on. "Alright Rice, this is your last chance. If you don't-AAAGGGH!!" Rice fired a blue energy bolt at the broadcaster. The news stallion fell backwards, smoldering.
"Digital killed the video star~, digital killed the video star~" Rice sang, dancing and taunting his fallen creator.
"Fiction came and broke your heart~" Michael added. Rice hadn't noticed him before, that last addition caused the chancellor to look over and glare at him. Michael shrugged, threw the popcorn he'd been eating up in the air and laid down to simulate his defeat.
Rice shook his head and stepped outside the town hall. He had to admire Dan's work on the town. The fortifications were still keeping with the town's aesthetic, they were practical, simple but sound and effective. It was about the most the town had changed since he had been chancellor. And he hated that. He absolutely hated that. Looking at it, seeing something new just so elegantly blend with the town like it had always been part of it... made his blood boil.
His fists balled. Rice didn't hate the fact that the town had changed. He hated the fact that it had taken THIS long for it to finally START to be improved. Ponies had accepted Dan, had accepted his innovations... when they had rejected them a thousand years ago when he first proposed them. And the princess had tried to kill him for it.
He reached the bottom of the steps. "My fellow ponies, hear me! Your chancellor has returned to you," he announced. "I, Rice Puddinghead, hereby reclaim the office of the restored chancellorship of the Earth Pony Tribe."
The other ponies, the entire town was assembled in the town square in front of where the ship had landed. Gust and the griffons had already towed the ship back to Cloudsdale for more repairs, leaving only the massive imprint it left in the street and the ruined buildings of Mane Street that had been flattened by its landing. Not that this wasn't the second time the town had been destroyed. The ponies all reacted to Rice's announcement their own way.
"Chancellor?" "Earth pony tribe?" "Pffft, what kind of name is 'Rice Puddinghead'?" "Uh, the name of the chancellor?" "Hey, I don't remember voting for him."
"Good point," Rice said, "But does anyone remember voting for Mayor Mare?" The ponies exchanged glances. A few started to raise their hooves, but then quickly thought better. "That's the point, my little public. You used to have elections every few years for a new chancellor. Did any of you wonder why you ever stopped? Why choosing someone to represent your interests simply... ceased?"
Some were intimidated by Rice, others had no idea what the squee he was talking about. And suddenly, the realization came over all of them at once.
"Oh crap!" shouted one of the ponies, "we forgot to vote today!" "Quickly! To the polls, everypony!"
"Wait- no, stop! The election happened over a thousand-" but Rice's voice was drowned out by the stampede of hooves rushing to the polls. The voting pony public would not be denied, even if everything had been decided over a thousand years ago. "THIS! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO DEMOCRACY WHEN YOU LET... STUPID CONTROL IT FOR A MILLENNIUM!"
"Stupidity killed the chancellor star~, stupidity killed~" Michael started singing, until Rice glared at him again. "S-sorry. I'll go now." He dragged Barro to the hospital. "Hey Barro, do you think we'll have time to vote today?"
"Shut... up... Michael..."
Rice pinched his brow. Maybe he just should've stayed as Vice Grip, rather than revealing that it was his son that really had been killed. A thousand years' worth of pain and suffering and he still wasn't truly over his son's death. How could he be? How could any father truly be? But stupidity did not care for sorrow or any other emotion, so why should it care about his problems? Alas, the scientist still did not understand the simple equation that tragedy plus time equaled comedy. Either way, he didn't care that much.
"You know, you're not the first politician to complain about an election that's already happened," Captain America said. He, Chris Redfield and Khan stepped out from behind some convenient rubble to stand in front of him. "In fact, they do it all the time. You may be the first politician ever to complain about your constituents running off to vote, though. Can't say I agree with your strategy."
"Captain America," Rice said in vexed tone, "clearly I see you're adhering to your own nation's policies and meddling in the affairs of others. Considering joining your friend the Winter Soldier and becoming a political assassin?"
"Actually, he's retired from that," Cap replied. "We both just like to lend a hand where we can."
Rice stared him down, fists balled. "Maybe you should both retire. Quit while you're ahead."
Cap shrugged. "Never really been much for shuffleboard."
"Try bowling."
"Or paintball." Cap ducked behind his shield, triggering the first move from Rice. The fingers on the scientist's metal gauntlets turned into laser gun barrels, firing electrified laser bolts at him. They pinged off Cap's shield, deflecting off to to the sides harmlessly. Khan and Chris opened up from behind Cap, firing their weapons at Rice
Rice's shield flashed and sparked as it absorbed bullets and phaser fire. Although he was protected, the sparks obscured his vision, forcing him to try to get a better angle to hit the humans. Cap used the split second Rice wasn't firing to lift up and fling his shield at Rice. The disk spun at him, hit the shield and went right through to bash Rice square in the collar. The force of the blow was so powerful it knocked him off his boots and caused his shield to fail as he landed in the dirt on his back.
True to being an Avenger, Captain America was on Vice Grip within the fractions of a second. His back had barely touched the ground before Cap leaped at him with his shield, ready to bring the full force of it down on his cranium. *CLRANG!*
"Eeeh... ehhgg," Cap winced.
"Captain, you disappoint me," Rice said, gripping Cap's shield with both hands mere centimeters above his head. "Did you really think I wasn't going to be prepared for a frontal attack? Just like America to want to start and end something so quickly, before it's even really began."
Cap groaned. "Was just... buying time... for-"
"For your friends to flank me on either side?" Rice asked, grinning. He looked into Steve's eyes as they widened, delighted by the fear. "Can't say I agree with your strategy."
Rice reached up and grabbed Captain America by the throat. In a single motion, he jumped to his feet. Chris and Khan popped up from either side with their respective weapons, quick to surprise the scientist. But he was already ready for them. He threw Cap at Khan and flung the shield at Chris. The STAR agent's rounds pelted off the vibranium as it spun towards him until it hit him square in the chest, knocking the rifle out of his hands.
Khan tried to dodge Captain America coming down on him, but the other augmented human came slamming down on the Indian Prince's shoulder. Before they could recover, Rice had Chris's gun and shot them all with his non-lethal rounds. They were each incapacitated before the clip ran out. Except for one of them.
Rubberized rounds still hurt like getting bucked in the face. And firing them at such close range would have been lethal despite their name, if each of the men Rice was shooting wasn't an augmented human in such peak physical condition. The effect was like being hit with a jackhammer, riddled with hundreds of rounds, breaking bones and bruising skin before your brain could even react to the pain of being shot. Not a shot penetrated, but it felt horrible just the same.
Cap slowly stood, his face looking like he'd just taking a sledge square in the jaw. His mask was broken at the chin and slowly slid off his head, revealing his messed hair. He slowly raised both of his fists.
"I can... I... I... can..."
"Do this all day?" Rice completed it for him. "I'm sure you could. But I'm busy." He smacked Cap with the rifle's butt, and even that wasn't enough to put Cap back on his knees, so he followed it up with blow after blow after blow until the gun broke in half and he had to push him down. Even then, he started to move again, getting back up.
"Will you stay the buck down?!" Rice yelled. "You're like Dan and Phoenix only with a frisbee!" He held up his gauntlet, prepared to Iron Man Captain America. Steve Rogers stared at the glowing hand, realizing it looked more red and angry than Tony or Rhody's gauntlet.
"I..." his chest strained to breath, "should... tell you."
"What? Another crack at my political career?"
"Kind of," Cap admitted. "But... I wasn't... buying time for Chris and Khan." The ground started to rumble.
Rice's face went slack. "Wut."
"I was buying time for Dan."
A massive avalanche of rock, water and ice, a swirling torrent of destruction streamed over Ponyville and destroyed Mane Street. Plan X had arrived.
Every great artist seeks to create a masterpiece. A masterstroke, a piece de resistance, a work of art that stands out and shines brightest among their collected works as a definitive statement, a magnum opus. As the master of disaster(planning), Dan was an artist of the unexpected, a cosmic catastrophic cataclysmic connoisseur, the prince of proper preparation preventing poor performances, the undefeated, undisputed, undeniable paperweight champion of the world and the grand master guru of getting it done. While Plans Y and Z did exist, they were before Plan X in the order, to further confuse anyone who might try to anticipate him. Plan X was Dan's last plan, currently.
Only, it wasn't exactly his plan. He hadn't come up with it.
Plan X did not stand for eXplosives, eXperimental or eXpulsion, any number of acronyms Dan could have used to help the team remember them as he did with his other plans. Plan X stood simply for "Extreme Circumstance." It was a last resort, Dan's last resort, because it was designed for the most extreme of circumstances in the event they were losing it all. Which, at this moment, they were. Plan X was the plan to destroy Equestria. And that's as profound as we can possibly make that statement.
It wasn't common knowledge that Equestria was designed to be able to destroy itself if necessary. The princesses and a few other ponies knew about it, but none of them knew exactly why. Why would the founders build and position Ponyville, Cloudsdale and Canterlot in such a way that it could easily be destroyed? It was a simple process, like a cell containing within its composition the necessary components to cause it to lyse. And once started, it could not be stopped.
"Are we sure about this?" Chrys asked. "Are... are you sure, Dan?"
Dan nodded. "Whoever the heck he is, he's got the upper hand. He wants take back the whole town which means he'll probably run us out of town on a rail, keep us as captives to experiment with or we wind up in jail. Again."
Twilight sighed. Dan, Chrys and Phoenix saw it in her distant eyes, knew right away how hard this was for her. It was hard for all of them.
"Are you okay, Twilight?" Phoenix asked.
She nodded. "I'll be fine. I never thought it would come to this but... it's the best thing to do. It's what Celestia and Luna would do and what they would want us to do. The most important part of Equestria has always been the ponies. The rest... we can rebuild. I endorse Plan X," she said. She looked around to them. "Any objections?" None of them said a word.
"Alright. You know what to do. Twilight, Chrys, I want both of you to head to Cloudsdale. Nicky and I will-"
"I want to do this together," Twilight interjected. "I want us... to be together for this. To do this together."
"We're not always able to do that," Dan said through partly-gritted teeth. But then, he suddenly un-tensed. "But... we can do it now. Together."
Phoenix chanced a peek over the fallen column they were hiding behind. Chancellor Rice Puddinghead was apparently not immediately recognized by the population as Vice Grip. Unlike his son, Rice was a golden-colored pony with a silvery-white mane, but in the guise of Vice Grip, Rice had worn the same prosthetic limbs and lab coat he was wearing now. Apart from a color swap, he looked exactly the same, yet the townsfolk were treating him like he was an entirely different pony.
Or... at least, that's what Phoenix might have been looking at. In truth, the audience stared blankly at Rice, the same way they did whenever there was a speech by Mayor Mare or another politician. It was the kind of look parents had for their children at a school play; they weren't paying attention to the content or the spectacle itself, just marveling that their child was somehow on stage. Because that's what a politician was- it was the people's special needs child. Their chosen moron.
"Rice is still speaking. I think he might be at this for a while," Phoenix remarked. (Which would be great if I had to cross-examine him, but outside of the courtroom, it's just annoying.)
"Is he winning anypony over?" Chrys asked.
Phoenix squinted. "It's... kind of hard to tell. Either they're smiling merrily or... wait, no. They just replaced the crowd with a static backdrop."
"That's the animation budget for ya," Dan said. "Let's get going while blowhard's still blowing."
They snuck out of the building, careful not to be seen by anyone. The first stop was at Sugar Cube Corner, which Pinkie had been busy repairing until they told her of the news. She was sad, but resolved herself in the knowledge that no matter what, there would always be another party. And this was the first and hopefully only opportunity for a "Destroyed Ponyville" party, so there was that to look forward to.
Second stop was at Applejack's. The family had just arrived back home and was getting settled in. Having come from a long farm family, they knew about such disasters. The destruction of land, of nature, wasn't as shocking to those who farmed because they usually prepared and weathered their fare share. They packed up and headed out- the Magic Gears had taken up residence with Apple Bloom and were quite adept at helping farm.
Third stop was to Fluttershy's. Reluctantly, she released her animals and told them to run, fly, scurry and scamper to safety. Except for Angel Bunny, Barry and the Cobra Commander(who was still just a cobra named Commander). Strangely, Discord was with her for some reason, but no one thought much of it.
Fourth was Rainbow Dash who had the duty of being the primer. Being the most loyal among them, she was the trigger by which the entire process began.
"I wouldn't ask you to do this if I wasn't sure."
"I know," Rainbow said. She managed a teary-eyed smile. "Thanks, Twilight."
"You get it done quick. You hear me?" Dan said. He put his hand on her shoulder, held her close. "You get it done quick."
"Heh, like I'd do it any other way."
"Wait," Dan stopped her, "You'll need these." He handed her a Blast Fuse and a Blast Powder.
"Yayyyyy Rainbow-senpaiiiiii~" The twin ponies cooed softly and latched onto their... hero. We'll call it that.
Rainbow looked at them, clinging to both of her legs, then back up to Dan. "Kinda running this joke into the ground, aren't we?"
Dan leaned into her face. "Name ONE joke we HAVEN'T run into the ground." The entire story so far flashed before her eyes. And there wasn't a single gag that had not been run with and then subsequently ran into the ground.
"I see your point, Dan."
"Good. You all have your assignments so... best of luck." Dan gave them a salute. They returned it and departed quickly, each to their individually assigned objectives. That left Dan, Phoenix, Twilight and Chrys.
They walked back to the Golden Oaks Library to execute the final part of Plan X.
They entered the Golden Oaks Library. The doorknob was cold to the touch, as if it were encasing ice. A familiar face was waiting for them.
"You AGAIN!"
"I know what you're planning," the Director said. Her glowing bluish eyes were clearly angry. "Do the four of you comprehend your own hypocrisy or should I spell it out for ya? Cuz I could go either way."
"You can get the squee out of our house, is where you can go," Dan said, shouldering past her. He pushed her down, causing her to fade through the ground and out of one of the walls. She descended to the floor again, but descended a bit too much and sank halfway into the floor.
Phoenix raised a finger. "You might want to turn off clipping."
"I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO TURN OFF!"
"Woah. Indoor voices, Directorino. This IS a library," Dan cautioned.
"Really? REALLY? YOU are telling ME to-"
Dan pressed a finger to his lips. "Shhhh."
"AAARRRUUUGH!" The Director snarled angrily at him, skin like something between liquid and fabric rippling across her face. "How the f- how can you all STAND to live with this man?! Don't you understand he's the BIGGEST HYPOCRITE on two different planets?!?!"
They all nodded. "Yeah." "Pretty much." "That is basically the premise of this show." "I'm me and I have to agree with that," Dan remarked. "But I'm a hypocrite for a good cause."
She leaped up on him. "That's exactly what I'VE been trying to do! Equestria's destruction is inevitable! The only way to stop it, to save all that we love is to destroy it first and save the few who are worth-"
*Shrrrrrsssshh-shpp!* Dan sucked her up with a vacuum cleaner. "So... that happened."
"Are... are you planning on just leaving her in there?" Twilight asked, poking the vacuum.
"No, I'm not 'planning' it, I'm just letting it happen. Roll with it."
"Alright."
"Okay, Nicky, Chrys, Spike and Fluffle go get the food out of the fridge and load it in a cooler. This IS an evacuation, people," Dan reminded them. "Once you're done, meet with me and Twilight in the command center."
"Right!" They hurried off to their assigned duties. Although the Golden Oaks Library had been reinforced, it was not built to survive Plan X. While Dan went to the command center at the core of the library, Twilight and Spike gathered the books. Comic books, graphic novels, fiction and non-fiction, fan fiction which literally everyone loved and clopfics which everyone REALLY loved. With her enhanced powers, Twilight was able to teleport the books safely to the cargo hold of the All of My Rage and also organize them in their new temporary location. A princess was ALWAYS organized. Mostly always, anyway.
As Dan set off, Marksaline appeared from behind the sofa. "The prodigal sun returns."
"What? Oh, yeah, Vice is back again. Or whatever his name is. Big whoop."
"Vice Grip is not the prodigal sun." She levitated a plaque off the wall, the one they had found during the renovation. It floated over and into Dan's hands. It was an old picture of Vice Grip and his father in front of the library back when it was founded.
Dan looked away. "I get it. He was a great guy. But what happened to him and his son happened a long time ago. No one today was involved, Marksy. None of us knew about them killing his dad."
"They did not kill the father. They tried to." The plaque forced its way up in Dan's grip, the picture edging its way back into view whether he wanted it or not. "They knew what they did."
Rice Puddinghead the Fourth and his son were in the center of the old, faded photo. Rice himself was a gold-colored stallion while his son was a darker more sandy color, mother nowhere to be seen. Dan had seen the picture before, but he never really looked at it. As he stared into the eyes of the broken family, he brushed away a dusty smudge cover the photo. It was then Dan realized Vice Grip, the colt in the picture, was not a normal colt. One of his legs was off-color; it was a prosthetic.
Vice Grip, the real Vice Grip, had a prosthetic leg. He had been born with a deformed front leg.
And just like that, it all made sense. Lightning Claw's broken horn, Vice Grip the scientist's gauntlets and boots, the machines and the technology, the lies and hatred of magic, it was all an attempt to change a past too horrible to face. That was why Rice Puddinghead had taken his son's name- to give him a future he couldn't have. Dan realized now that Rice Puddinghead was alive, but already dead. What future does a father have without their son?
A children without parents was an orphan, but a parent without a child was too horrible to have a word. It didn't even really have a face- just a mask of what was lost. A teardrop hit the wooden plaque and rolled off to the floor. Dan was shocked to find it was his.
"That... we ACTUALLY killed his SON?!!" Dan exclaimed, exasperated. Twilight and Spike walked back in from the side hall, Phoenix, Chrys and Fluffle from the kitchen. Fluffle was nomming a ham wrapped in bacon and covered in hot fudge. But when she saw what Dan had, she dropped the ham. And she stopped eating.
"Look! Look at this crap!" Dan went to each of them with the plaque.
"Kinda forgot that was there, to be honest," Phoenix remarked. "Yeah... I remember now. It's Vice and his dad."
"Rice and his SON," Dan corrected angrily. "Look at the kid. He's got some kind of proto-prosthetic leg."
Twilight levitated the photo up to herself. "That's... this does look like it's Chancellor Rice and his son, Vice. But that leg looks too futuristic for it to be from Ponyville a thousand years ago."
Fluffle Puff let out a long, adorable sigh. She took the photo and looked at it. "It's from Fallout: Equestria."
"What?!" "Oh crap, she's talking again."
"Wait wait wait wait," Dan stopped them, "That book just came out like three years ago(in this universe). How could he have gotten something that hasn't even been invented yet? Or thought of, for that matter?"
They all pondered the question for a moment. Then, Phoenix felt the answer like a weight in his pocket. "He used a summoning spell."
"Again, the book was written THREE YEARS AGO," Dan pointed out.
But Phoenix rubbed his chin. "Maybe it wasn't. Remember what Springer said? The Enclave, it's been around for-"
"A thousand years," Twilight said, completing the thought. "Everything that's happened- the Sword Spells, Vice and Rice, the Magic Gears, it's all because of what happened a thousand years ago. Rice doesn't want to destroy Equestria... he wants to destroy the past."
"How would Vice- I mean, how would Rice KNOW to how to summon anything?" Dan demanded. "The guy is an Earth pony. They don't magic."
"They can't use spells with a horn, Dan, but there are spells earth ponies can use," Twilight said. "With different magical artifacts, like a-"
"It's because I told him," Fluffle Puff said. She took the plaque in her mouth and hung it back on the wall where it belonged. She then picked up her ham from the floor. "Thppppth thppp." Let's go.
"Hold on, no," Dan stamped over to her, "Go back to talking normally. What do you mean you TOLD Vice?"
Fluffle sighed again and took the ham out of her mouth. "I told him about summoning spells. A thousand years ago. Rice used to visit the Everfree Forest a lot back when he was chancellor. We talked from time to time. He got a lot of his ideas from me. One time, he told me he needed something to help his son walk, so... I helped him find it."
"So wait, you talked to Vice Grip-"
"Rice Grip." "Rice Puddinghead."
"Whatever, you talked to him a thousand years ago?" Chrys asked. "When were you going to tell us?"
Fluffle looked straight back, her eyes serious. "I thought he was dead. The Rice I knew was a very kind pony who loved his people and his son. Even his ex-wife. I had no idea he was using summoning magic..." she looked down. "But that must've been how... how he..."
"How what?"
"How he found out about Earth," Fluffle admitted. She looked back up to the plaque on the wall, a little misty-eyed. "A week before... the attempt on his life, he told me about the train. He said it was going to take them into the future." She sighed again. "Now, I wonder if he wasn't speaking figuratively."
"What does this mean?" Dan and Chrys both asked that question simultaneously.
She turned back to them. "It means I'm part of the reason Vice Grip is dead. And Rice was right- Celestia and Luna knew about it, too."
Twilight, Spike, they all gasped. Except Dan. They were in awe, they were in shock, the disbelief writ large in their expressions. Except Dan. Celestia and Luna knew about the assassination attempt. Their leaders had known about it the entire time, the ones they were fighting for, the kingdom they were trying to protect, was guilty of murder and trying to cover up a murder. They were stunned. Except Dan.
Twilight found her heart beating fast in her chest. Her wings had involuntarily tensed. "I... we..." She looked to Dan, but he had already gone.
"Dan?" Chrys followed after him, then by Phoenix. Fluffle was next and Marksaline disappeared. Twilight was left alone in her living room, without her books and without her friends. Just her and Spike. There was only silence between them.
Dan stomped into the control room. His fists were balled, but he said nothing. Now, he had a very good reason to want to destroy Equestria.
Twilight couldn't focus her eyes. It was like she wasn't even able to stare at something, to look beyond an object in deep contemplation because of the reality of what was revealed to her. It was so close, so overwhelming that it was locking her in the present. She was unable to lose herself in thought because the thought of the princesses being complicit in murder was anchoring her mind to reality. It was like being in an emotional haze, the record of the mind constantly scratching over the same unpleasant note.
Spike tugged at her mane. "Twilight?"
"I'm... fine," Twilight uttered. "I'm fine. I just... is the room spinning? I feel like it should be spinning."
"Could probably add that to the floor plans of the next treehouse," Phoenix commented. (And if I know Dan, Golden Oaks 2.0 will be even more... Dan-ier than the current one.)
Chrys applied a comfort hoof to Twilight's shoulder. "Umm..." The changeling queen was at a loss of what to do for a moment. She quickly changed into Celestia, then Luna, then back to herself. "Sorry! I'm uh, nervous. I mean- what I mean is... err..." she looked around the room. "Things could get worse?"
"Ponyville is about to be destroyed. And WE'RE going to destroy it," Twilight stated. "I have no idea where we're going or how we're going to get settled when we do. The bad guy we've been fighting might ACTUALLY be right about stuff, Princess Bucking Celestia AND PRINCESS LUNA MIGHT HAVE TRIED TO COVER UP A MURDER. Equestria may have been built on a LIE. How can things POSSIBLY get any worse?!"
Dan smashed through the hallway door. "AAAHHH! GET IT OFF ME!!" The vacuum cleaner he'd used to suck up the Director was now trying to suck off his face.
"Holy crap!" "She's still in the vacuum!"
"IT'S NOT EVEN PLUGGED IN! HOW IS IT STILL SUCKING?!!" Dan yelled, grappling with the cleaner. "GET IT OFF MY FACE!!"
Fun fact about magic: disabling an opponent was a common tactic in magical combat. Most spells had counters, there were offensive and defensive spells and fights often flowed from one attack to the next, with good spellcasters being able to put out lots of combinations and turn a block into a counterattack with grace. So, one of the easiest ways to eliminate your opponent was to make it so they could not use spells. Disabling, incapacitating, confining them, all were effective because magic usually required a physical conduit to be effective. If your opponent was unable to snap their fingers, use a wand or horn or recite an incantation, you had the upper hoof. This is why sucking up Cleo into a vacuum was incredibly effective; in a compacted nebulous state, it was harder for her to use magic, despite that her magic was some of the most potent in Equestria.
And for the fact that the vacuum had sucked up a lot of Fluffle Puff's loose fluff and it was counteracting her attempts to break out with pure love.
"Get back!" Twilight 'bubbled' Dan, meaning surrounding him in a basic bubble shield. This cut off the vacuum's suction and detached it from his face. The vacuum lunged at Twilight next, but she quickly used her magic to tie its neck into a knot, then blasted it out the window. Well, a hole in the wall next to the window, probably with a little bit more power than was necessary.
Dan rubbed his neck as he got up. "That... could've gone better. And quicker."
Phoenix looked at the hole in the wall. The new one. "At least we won't have to worry about patching that up any time soon."
Dan ignored the comment; fixing up the house was something he enjoyed doing. "It won't take long for the Director to get out of that bag and when she does, she'll probably team up with Rice. We're doing this now, let's go."
They entered the command center/control room. It alternated names to confuse invaders. The control room was built into the core of the tree itself, which the housing for the ion cannon encased. But the self-destruct mechanism hadn't originally been built into the library- it was in the power plant nearby. Dan had just modified things after learning about it so that it could be activated from the tree house.
"Ponyville Command to Cloudsdale, you there Rainbow?"
"We're here, Dan. We're all ready." Rainbow Dash, Daring Do, Fluttershy, Derpy and Lightning Claw, all were steely determined. They knew what they had to do, even if they weren't happy about it. Cloudsdale would be the easiest to rebuild, but the gravity of what they were about to do weighed heavy on them.
Lightning Claw had volunteered to stay behind, ensure that the process worked. He was still remorseful over having worked with Vice in the first place. His new friends, however, refused to let him go through with it. They would evacuate together and watch the city come down to make sure it worked.
"Ponyville to Canterlot, you ready?"
"The grrrrreat and POWERFUL Trixie... seriously regrets she was unable to give a final performance here."
Dan smirked. "The way your performances are getting, won't be long before they cause city-wide destruction on their own." A light chuckle from all involved, Trixie included. They all needed a laugh.
Trixie, Blueblood, Aegis Ally, Octavia and Vinyl were at Canterlot to trigger that part of the self-destruct program. It felt almost profane to be in the throne room of Canterlot Castle without the princesses there. The halls of the great castle were empty and it felt oddly hollow. White light filtered in through the stained glass windows, the few guards remaining including Aegis stood with their helmets removed. Blueblood, Trixie and Vinyl input the code on the side of the throne's golden dais. The fountains on either side, representing harmony and the flow of time, stopped pouring.
"Ponyville to Sugar Cube Corner, you set to go?"
"Ready as we'll ever be, Dan." "HI TWILIGHT! YOU LOOK SO SMALL ON T.V!!"
"Hi, Pinkie, you guys got everything, right?" Twilight asked.
"And then some," Applejack said. Behind her was an overloaded cart full of every baked item Sugar Cube Corner had available. It looked like a giant cupcake itself with all the colorful bags of frosting and sprinkles on top.
"Well, at least we'll have something to eat where we're going," Twilight said.
Applejack nodded on-screen. "Eeyup. Because we've got as much food and crops as we could loaded onto the airships."
"Good thinking."
"Okay... it's time," Dan said. He took one last look around the tree house, brushed his hand around the elegant wood. Even now, it still teemed with life, with hope. And they would need that hope. "Plan X- execute."
Twilight stepped forward first. "Computer, this is Twilight Sparkle. Request security access." The screen faded to black for a moment, then returned with the symbol of the six elements. They pulsed in unison.
PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE IDENTITY ACKNOWLEDGED
"Computer, destruct sequence one: code one, one yay."
DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ONE CODE: 11YAY
Dan was next. "Computer, Captain Dan, chief security officer. Destruct sequence two: code one, one yay, two squee."
DESTRUCT SEQUENCE TWO CODE: 11YAY2SQUEE
Spike stepped forward. "Computer, this is Spike, counselor to the princess. Destruct sequence three: code one squee, two squee, three."
DESTRUCT SEQUENCE THREE CODE: 1SQUEE2SQUEE3
DESTRUCT SEQUENCE COMPLETED AND ENGAGED
AWAITING FINAL CODE FOR ONE-MINUTE COUNTDOWN
CODE:
Twilight leaned closer. Her heart was heavy. She took a deep breath. "Code: zero-zero-zero... destruct... zero."
DESTRUCT SEQUENCE IS ACTIVATED. HAVE A NICE DAY.
"Thank you," they all went. And then, they bolted for the door.
"RUN! EVERYBODY RUN!!" Fluffle Puff detached from the ceiling and into Dan's arms. He kicked open the backdoor and sprinted for the Everfree Forest with the pile of fluffy pony in his arms, Phoenix and the others right behind him. They just reached the edge of the canopy by the time the first explosives went off.
You might think that the activation switch to destroy Ponyville would be something overly complicated, like a giant Rube Goldberg machine. But it wasn't; the trigger to start the self-destruct sequence was just three separate codes that had to be put in at the same time. Once entered, the process could not be reversed, and these three codes activated the self-destruct mechanism. And that self-destruct mechanism was a giant Rube Goldberg machine.
The wind began to blow strong through Ponyville. The weathermane atop Sugar Cube Corner spun rapidly, like a top. The bird's egg that was atop the corner's roof fell from its nest, rolled off the support beam jutting out of the roof and landed on the hanging sign on the front. The sign rebounded, shot the egg back up into the air and landed it on one of the candle sticks on the corner's very top. The weathermane, wound sufficiently, snapped sharply, lighting the fuse to the candles.
The candles on top of the building shot off like rockets. The one with the bird egg came down softly, landing the egg in an identical-looking nest at a safe distance from town. Probably just a coincidence. But the second candle landed on the sloped roof of the Ponyville Bowl-o-rama, setting its grass material on fire. The bowling balls then dislodged from the alley and rolled down the street in opposite directions.
The first bowling ball went down a conveniently-open manhole into the sewer. The second rolled down the street and up into an upended hoof cart that seemed to have been there forever. It flipped over onto its wheels, rolled down the street when suddenly, the candle stick landed on top of it and stuck straight up. It rolled conveniently down Mane Street, gently tapping the stakes holding the tents up, which immediately flattened at fell over one at a time, like dominoes.
Speaking of dominoes, the bowling ball that went into the sewer shot up from the sewer and landed on top of Photo Finish's photo hut. It knocked over a display of photo reels, which fell over like dominoes, criss-crossing down the outside of the hut until it knocked a loose can over, which spilled its film into the street. The film unrolled all the way back across the street, just in time for it to cross the path of the wagon with the candle on it, tripping the wagon and causing the candle to fall off and touch the film. The film ignited immediately.
The fire ran along the film and back to the photo hut, igniting all of the reels that were on display and causing them to fly off like rockets. The rocket reels each landed on one of the thatched-roof houses nearby, setting them ablaze. This alone would not have been enough to burn down Ponyville, however; the last candle had still yet to fall. Just as the last of the film rolls burst into flames, the final one landed... in Berry Punch's wine cellar.
Berry Punch's wine cellar exploded in flames of brilliant blues, greens, oranges, yellows and radiant purples and pinks. Barrels of wine shot up into the air and landed, exploding and destroying buildings from Garden Street to Garden Avenue across town. There were a lot of gardens, so two streets. WubWay exploded again, making a strangely death metal-esque sound as it did. Pone Depot collapsed in on itself. The McDonald's Dustchu goes to in West Virginia randomly exploded for no reason at all, but no one was in it at the time so it's all good. It was the most violent event Equestria had ever seen and it wasn't even halfway over.
High above the self-destructing Ponyville, Cloudsdale was heading towards Canterlot.
Cloudsdale spiraled its way towards Canterlot. The city of clouds altered its shape, its architecture and even its new rainbow defense fortifications. It reconfigured into a new shape, that of a city-sized hurricane. It spun slowly and the clouds that made up its structures became darker and darker. Only a few snowflakes drifted from it as it spun, a gigantic mass of glowing cloud towards the mountainside where Canterlot sat perched.
When Commander Hurricane was forced by the other triumvirs to disband the Grand Pegasus Army, she took measures to ensure Equestria would not be defenseless. She designed Cloudsdale to serve as a floating fortress, early warning watch station, a weather control platform and as a last resort, a massive bomb. When the homeland was threatened, Cloudsdale could be easily turned into a giant explosive and lobbed at any threat like a big grenade. This action was designed to buy time for an evacuation, a last sacrifice by Equestria's first soldier.
Canterlot's part in self-destruction was also intentionally selfless. The foundation of the city, built directly into the mountainside, was made with specialized materials that would resonate when hit by certain spells. With the right intensity of magic striking them simultaneously, the entire city would vibrate and collapse and crumble into an avalanche that would slide down the mountain. On its own, the rubble of the city, bulkier at the ends rather than the middle, would form a barrier around Ponyville.
And finally, Ponyville's scorched earth policy would deny any conquering army food and produce high volumes of smoke to allow Canterlot and Cloudsdale to retreat. All three tribes secretly planned their own sacrifice, if necessary, to ensure Equestria's safety. Only the simultaneous activation of all three plans would destroy the core of the kingdom.
Trixie, Aegis, Blueblood and the others departed Canterlot by Ozzy Osbarn's train. The showmare tossed a smoke ball at the tracks as they left.
"It will be different," Blueblood said.
"Pah. Does Trixie detect a hint of remorse from the prince? Regretting your mansion will be in ruins soon?" Trixie asked.
Blueblood smiled and shook his head. "Not precisely. Even if I hadn't been home in quite some time, it was pleasant to know it was there. But now, there'll be a chance to build something new. It's nice having something to look forward to."
"Maybe this is how Dan felt," Aegis commented. "When he first came to Equestria, I mean."
"Perhaps," Blueblood said. In the distance, Cloudsdale began to eclipse Canterlot. The mountain began to rumble as the train entered the tunnel.
"Right blokes, fittin' to toss da lead outta dis wagon. Best be clutchin' ya knickas tight iffin, lest ya wanna bump off!" Ozzy shouted. "Dis ride don stop fir nuffin!"
"The squee did you just say to Trixie?"
"I think he means hold on, ma'am!" And the moment Aegis said that, they had a moment to start holding on as Ozzy's train activated its rockets and shot out of the tunnel. The tunnel and mountain began crumbling the moment they exited, the train spiraling down the mountain as it turned to rubble. Like watching a giant cake disintegrate.
The Cloudsdale bomb engulfed Canterlot. The mass of clouds glowed with rainbow colors and surged with rainbow lightning. As it covered Canterlot, the tallest spire of Canterlot Castle punctured Cloudsdale, like popping a giant balloon, causing the city to explode. Cloudsdale erupted in a maelstrom of storms from blizzards to hurricane-force winds and thunderstorms, fire storms, sand storms, hail and the other weather/terrain effect field moves from Pokemon.
The city of Canterlot was frozen, blown apart, electrified, burned, melted with acid rain(bows) and completely annihilated in every essence of the word. The explosion took the top of the mountain off with it, causing the entire thing to crumble and cascade down the side in an avalanche that headed directly towards Ponyville. Trixie and company on the train narrowly avoided the disaster, jetting down the mountain to rejoin Dan and the others.
Ponyville was actually several miles away from the base of Mount Harmony, separated by farmland, but the avalanche's sheer volume covered quite a bit of it. Mud, ice and water destroyed the landscape, covering it in meters of thick sediment. The last of it finally reached Ponyville just in time to put out the fires that had burned down the whole town.
Dan led Phoenix and the others to the Ponyville dam. Applejack and Pinkie Pie joined them, along with the CMC and the Apples. Also, the Magic Gears, still mini and adorable, are part of the CMC now along with Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara.
"Did we remember absolutely everything?" Twilight asked.
"We better have!" Dan yelled. "Seriously, this whole plan only works if EVERY part of it goes off at the same time."
"I meant personal things, Dan," Twilight said over the roar of the water. The dam was loud. Owlowiscious was perched on her shoulder with a tiny little golden helmet. He was not happy about what they were doing either, but understood it had to be done.
"Again, we BETTER have remembered everything. Everything we don't want to be destroyed. And seeing as how we're all here and all the stuff from the library is on Captain Crunch's flying toilet, I'd say we did a good job of that," Dan remarked.
"What about Cap, Khan and Redfield?" Phoenix asked about the other humans.
Dan grinned. "Not to worry. Colress is getting them out with his Magnezone and the Plasma Frigate. See? I really DID think of everything. Plan X is foolproof."
"That'd be a first," Applejack said.
"AJ, don't. Just please, DON'T," Phoenix chastised.
"Thpp-thppp thppp-thpp-thpp," Fluffle said to Chrys.
"Oh crap."
"What now?" Twilight asked.
Chrys' eyes went wide. "We forgot the townsfolk."
"No, no we didn't," Dan said shaking his head. "Remember? They were listening to Rice Dip and then they all ran to the polls to go vote and holy crap we forgot them."
"WE FORGOT EVERYPONY ELSE!!!!!" Pinkie yelled.
Dan's head darted between them and Ponyville. Somewhere, the Ponyvillians were deciding which candidate to vote for, even though there was no election, there were no current candidates, and there was no point for them to do so. The avalanche of debris swept across the fields towards the burning town.
"Um... I'm sure they'll be fine," Dan said. Everyone there glared at him.
It was surprisingly easy to get the Ponyvillers to evacuate. They may have been silly, but they were by no means idiots. Okay, SOME of them were idiots but most of them were... they're not all idiots. I can't exactly prove that right now, but they are NOT ALL idiots. Wait, what's Dan doing?
"What? I'm rescuing the town. BY MYSELF, thank you. Would be a lot easier if they'd gotten out BEFORE the avalanche and I wouldn't have to wade through all this water and-"
Dan, that's not the town- that's the static backdrop.
Dan looked up at the massive crowd landscape panel. "Hmmm... are you sure about that? Hey! DERPY! Are you in there?" he yelled at it. And seriously, that's not helping anyone. "I bet if we just used this more often, no one would even know the difference." DAN, GO SAVE THE TOWN NOW. "Fine. But I'm taking this with me." Great, whatever.
As I was saying, it was surprisingly easy for Dan to get the Ponyvillers to evacuate. All he had to do was get their attention and tell them they needed to leave.
"RUN! RUN, YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE, RUN!!!" Dan kicked through the door of the local polling office. Usually, it had been used for elections deciding what the new surprise flavor of ice cream, muffin or cake would be at Sugar Cube Corner. Other times, ponies used it to vote on which fashions they liked the best, where to put new shops, plan events, parties. The only thing ponies didn't vote on were politicians- all governmental decisions were actually made by the ponies themselves. No, it still wasn't perfect.
"EEP! EEP! EEP!" "Oh, fiddlesticks!" "What?" "Oh, uh, nothing. It's just good to see you again, Fiddlesticks." "Yeah, everypony keeps confusing me with Shucks." "Aw, drat." "No, he's in Phillydelphia." "Oh, right." "You mean Phoenix?" "RUN FASTER, MORONS!" Dan scooped them up with the static backdrop, the slower ones, anyway, and rushed them as the Ponyville Dam began to break. Twilight and Chrys used their magic to hold the dam together for a few precious seconds longer, while Applejack and Phoenix directed the ponies into the Everfree as they came running. Pinkie Pie set up a camera to take a picture of the devastation for some reason.
Dan came running with the last of the ponies. "PLAN XXXXXXXX!! INTO THE TREES! Everypony, run into the trees! The branches and leaves will protect us from destruction!"
"Huddle up if you can! Unicorns, be ready to make a shield!" Phoenix warned. They hunkered behind the trunks and awaited the end of Ponyville.
Twilight and Chrys were the last to join them. Rather than flying, they instantly teleported to Dan's position. Two hooves found their way onto Dan's shoulders, followed by a hand, then a claw, then more hooves.
"Dan..." Chrys said. She could've said a lot of things, could've said how much she loved him, how much she cared for and needed him, how much they all loved each other. Instead, she summed it all up by saying, "It's been great."
"I know." Dan activated a small remote control switch.
The dam finally broke. A tidal wave swept over the remains of buildings in Ponyville, casting a shadow over the land before it came crashing down. The water smashed through windows and doors, swept away the remaining houses and caused their pretty thatched roofs to become thatched rafts. The tidal wave continued rolling until Ponyville became a pool complete with its own pool toys. The water crashed into the walls surrounding Ponyville and knocked them over like they were static backdrops.
Finally, Electric Avenue's electric generators exploded, electrifying the water. Somewhere amid the submerged Mane Street, Rice Puddinghead was electrified. Dan and the others couldn't see him and had no way of knowing if the seemingly-invincible face from the past was affected by it, but they hoped it at least pissed him off. And it did. It really, really did.
The water hit the river that runs through Ponyville and caused it to overflow. A few inflatable sea pony toys flopped about on the waves but other than that, they seemed to have vanished. High overhead, Gust Grasp's airships and the Plasma Frigate departed to rendezvous with Dan and the others.
The ponies watched their home as it was destroyed from behind the protection of the static backdrop. They each poked their adorable pony heads through their own places, so it actually looked like the expressions on the backdrop had kind of changed from 'generic hapcited(happy and excited, courtesy of Pinkie) crowd scene' to 'shockappointed(again, Pinkie) crowd scene.'
"Dear... sweet Celestia, Twilight," Dan muttered. "What have I done?"
"What you always do," Twilight answered. "Turn defeat into a fighting chance to get revenge."
"Oh yeah, that. I guess we do that now. REVEEEENNNGE!!" he shouted. But the others weren't really ready for the thought of reprisal yet. They slowly turned and made their way into Everfree Forest, most with heads held low. Even the normally-jovial hippies weren't in the mood to do their hippy crap, but they did stop to pick poison joke for some reason. Probably had something to do with herbs. Hey, it's legal in Canada now.
"It is?"
Not for ponies, George.
"Aw, Shucks." "He's in Phillydelphia." "Oh... drat." "Also Phillydelphia."
Dan walked through the Everfree Forest. Once again, things had come full circle and he was retracing the very steps he'd taken when he'd first landed in Equestria, only in reverse this time. And among a lot of other ponies. Part of him felt completely alone, even though he was among all his friends. But another part of him felt the exact opposite; he felt happy that he was with Twilight, Phoenix, Chrys and Fluffle and the others. Wherever they were going, it felt good to be together.
More than a few of them spared the glance back to Ponyville. A few wispy smoke trails were that spiraled to the sky spoke of the destruction as they delved deeper into the forest. Some of them were frightened to be there but more than a few of them had explored the Everfree before. The airships overhead kept a close eye on things.
"I still can't believe we had to do that," Spike said. "After everything that's happened... I mean, I know we prepared for it..."
"You're never quite prepared enough," Chrys finished for him.
Dan sighed. "That's the downside of planning. A lot of times, they involve what you don't want to do instead of what you want to do. Paradoxical, even when necessary."
"Necessary paradox..." Twilight said, thinking aloud. "Vice... and Rice..."
"Whatcha thinking, Twi?" AJ asked.
She shook her head. "I'm not sure. Just that Rice Puddinghead shouldn't have been as powerful as he was."
"Well, he was," Dan affirmed. "Like with Zen Zeal, we've bought ourselves some time." And then Dan's eyes went wide. "Hey, wait a minute-"
"Zen Zeal! The zebra general- he was invincible, too!" Phoenix exclaimed. "And we beat him! After a few battles. That we lost horribly. But we beat him in the end!"
"That's right, Phoenix, we did," Chrys said, patting him on the head. "Good boy."
"Remember how we beat him, though," Phoenix said. "Zen Zeal was invincible because he because he believed he was."
"No," Twilight shook her head, "Zen Zeal was invincible because he believed he wasn't."
"Wait... how does that make sense?" Dan asked.
"Zen Zeal didn't believe he was invincible," Twilight explained. "He believed he was the best general in Equestria, that his army was unbeatable. He didn't believe in the legends around him- he only believed he was better than everyone else. We convinced him that his legend was right, his belief crumbled and he lost because of that. We changed his mind... and beat him because of it."
Dan stared blankly for almost a minute. "I hit him with a stick. But I see what you're saying," Dan said, grinning.
"Yes, in order to beat Rice-"
"-we have to hit him with a stick!" Dan broke off a branch. "Everypony! Arm yourselves with sticks!"
"No, I get what you're saying, Twilight," Chrys said. "Magic can empower convictions at times, turn beliefs into realities. But when the conviction disappears, so does the magic."
"Elemental magic... elemental magic!" Twilight exclaimed. She took off, nearly hitting a branch as she flew. "I know what this is! I know the spell Rice is using- it's in a book back at..." she trailed off. And then flew back down to the ground again. "...back at the library."
"Which burned down, blew up and is underwater," Phoenix said. Everypony glared at him. "What?! Uh... objection?" (Worth a try.)
"Not quite," Dan said. And from glaring at Phoenix, everypony turned to him. And suddenly, the man's hands were on his hips, he was beaming with pride and had his trademark grin on his face. "What have I always told you is the most important rule of revenge?"
"Uhhh..." they all went.
Fluffle raised her hoof. "Thpppth?" It's best served immediately?
"No, the other thing."
"Drawing a blank on this one," Chrys said.
"Rule number-one: never give the enemy what they want!" Dan declared. "And what did Rice/Vice want?"
"To rule Ponyville?" "Something future robots?" "Vice Grip's primary goal is to destroy the population of Earth and build a new technocratic pony empire on the remains in a realm that exists without magic and is ruled by his hand," Knight explained. "Ex-chancellor Rice Puddinghead's goal is unknown."
"Right, err, that," Dan said. "And his second goal is he wanted to destroy all of us because we're in the way. Right? Including..."
"Including...?"
"Including the library," Dan said, grinning. "So... that's the last thing I'd destroy if I were me. Right?"
"But you DID destroy the Golden Oaks Library, Dan," Spike countered.
And Dan winked at him. "Did I?"
"Uh, yeah?"
He winked harder. "Did I?" Finally, he pointed his thumb upwards.
Between the three of Gust Grasp's airships, suspended on a massive amount of grappling hooks was the Golden Oaks Library, completely unharmed, with its roots intact and still clutching most of the ground attached to it. Even the mailbox and the tiny scostman were perfectly fine.
On the bridge of the All of My Rage, Gust high-fived Clutch. "I told ya I'd steal that library, didn't I?"
They stayed on the beaten paths as they walked through the Everfree Forest. Since Zecora moved into the Everfree, the forest had become much less dangerous, but was still untamed. Many of the hippies frequented and even lived in the trees, though even some of the hardcore hippy ponies complained about the trees' lack of wifi. Some of the trees themselves seemed to complain about the hippies- Equestria's tendency to make things more lifelike- but this was not confirmed.
Chrys noticed something about the other ponies. "Hey... is it just me or... does it seem like there should be more ponies?"
"Yeah we just destroyed Canterlot, Cloudsdale and Ponyville," Phoenix remarked. "You'd think there'd be more than just three-hundred ponies, plus us."
"Not enough ponies?" Pinkie asked. "Well, we can always blow up more cities. Oooh can we do Secattle next? Because I have a cousin in a rock band there and they'd be perfect if they came with us and then we could blow up Appleloosa-" And that was when Applejack covered Pinkie's muzzle.
"Thank you," everyone went.
"Actually, I do have plans to blow up the other cities across the kingdom, including Secattle," Dan said.
Phoenix glanced over at him. "Last resort, emergency plans, right?"
"Sure. Let's go with that."
"Ponyville has always had a relatively small population and even more ponies commute," Twilight informed them. "The pegasi and most of the unicorns are on Gust's airships so, this is pretty much everypony."
"True, true," Pinkie said, nodding, "also the fact that this is all the ponies we can fit into these forest shots without them getting too spread out."
Applejack trotted her way up to Dan and the others. "So hey, where exactly are we all headed? I mean, I assume we're not just taking a nature walk for no reason."
"Yeah, Plan X was only meant to get us out of town and leave whoever was invading high and dry, which it did. Except they're kind of low and wet," Dan explained. "We need to come up with a plan now to retake the Ponyville, the Canterlot and the Coudsdale from the Rice bag."
"Easier said than done. He's a lot stronger than he was last time," Phoenix commented.
Twilight nodded. "Faster, too. And he has very powerful magic."
"Question," Chrys leaned inward, "are we suuuure Rice and Vice are the same guy?"
"I am," Dan said. His friends all turned to him as they walked, Dan knew it. But his eyes were faced forward the entire time. "When I fought him above the Crystal Empire, he was conflicted. Off-balance. I wasn't sure why, but it's always felt like he was holding back. This time, nah, he held nothing back. The guy's like a train wrapped in aluminum foil hauling molten steel. Before, he was tough but now he's taking it to the next level. So, we uh, need to level up."
And that was when Discord showed up. "If you want my advice-"
"We don't."
"I would say it's going to take a bit more than the classic training montage to beat this Rice Pudding. Do remember that you happen to have six magical artifacts quite adept at vanquishing the difficult, hmm? Or did you forget to pack those?"
"They're in the library," Twilight said. "And the Elements of Harmony won't work... without Rarity."
"And we're still without our Rars," AJ commented, looking down.
Dan rubbed his chin. "Jackass might be on to something. Do we have any other magical cheat macguffins we can throw at him? Figuratively or literally?"
Twilight shook her head. "None that I know of. The Alicorn Amulet was in the Canterlot vault and... well, there is no Canterlot now."
"I guess it's back to the drawing board," Phoenix said. (Once we find a drawing board to use again. Hope we brought one.)
They continued trekking through the forest. Crossed a river, a gorge and strangely enough retraced Twilight's steps to retrieve the Elements of Harmony. Felt a bit strange doing it as a group and more than a few times, Twilight felt herself stopping to remember how it happened all those years ago. Other ponies did as well, and before long, she was almost leading a tour.
"And this- right here, is where the Shadowbolts tried to recruit Rainbow Dash," Twilight explained.
"But I turned 'em down!" Rainbow declared, zipping around overhead. Her eyes were closed and she still darted over the crowd, that proud of herself. "There's nothing that could get me to turn my back on Equestria or my friends! And that day, I made sure those Shadowbolts knew it."
"That was actually Nightmare Moon in disguise... and we found that out later," Twilight said.
"When did you find this out?" Chrys asked.
Twilight sighed. "When the real Shadowbolts sued Princess Luna for wrongful impersonation. They're an aerial team in Pittsbuck made from Wonderbolt Academy washouts. They have a friendly rivalry with them but beyond that, they're not actually bad guys."
"Did they win the lawsuit?" Phoenix asked.
Twilight nodded. "Thirty-thousand gems and a public apology, plus the Shadowbolts are allowed to sell merchandise here."
"I went as one for Nightmare Night," Rainbow said.
"Ah. I'm uh, sorry I wasn't here to defend Luna back in the day," Phoenix said. (AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SUCH AN EASY CASE, TOO! Seriously, it wasn't LUNA but Nightmare Moon that impersonated them! Why do I always miss the easy lawsuits?)
"Hmm... disguise again," Dan said.
"You think a disguise might fool Rice?" Twilight asked.
"Maybe something like that. Eh, we'll figure it out later." They continued the trip down memory lane, a little bit different in the glow of the afternoon sun. And finally, they reached the ruins of the Castle of the Two Sisters. Located in an immense clearing in the forest, Gust's ships had space enough to land and temporarily re-root the Golden Oaks Library nearby, though it was a tad lopsided. Fluffle Puff took a dive in the lake and then allowed momma Chryssie to sponge her on the tree in order to give it water.
"Thppp-thppp pbbbtt-phbbth phbbb." It's a tree, it needs water.
"This has been here this whole time?" Dan asked, looking at the huge castle. "Well... I guess the fact that it's in the middle of nowhere spooky forest-ville doesn't help the real estate market value. Still, would've thought there'd be use for another castle."
"There's not much here except for the Elements of Harmony," Twilight explained. "We've been back a few times. All the books have duplicates in the library of Canterlot... or they did before-"
"Yeah, yeah, Canterlot blew up," Dan cut her off. "We don't need to dwell. Besides, if the same books are in there, now is the perfect opportunity to get the original prints to save them. Right?"
"Hmm... that's a good idea, actually."
"We'll help you, Twilight. We still have one library to take care of, right?" Rainbow remarked. "Gotta make sure it's fully-stocked."
"Uh, let's have one group at a time in the creepy castle," AJ said. "The rest of us can set up a camp out here."
"Can I be in the group that checks out the castle?" Gust asked. Even from behind his sunglasses, his hopeful sincerity was painfully obvious. As was the fact he wanted to steal from the castle.
"Hmm..." Dan looked at Gust. Then back at the library. Then at the castle. One more time- Gust, library, castle. "Alright drumstick, you earned this one. Go nuts. Take Daring Do with ya. And hey- here's your bag back."
"Oh hey, thanks- woah. Why is it so full and wet and oh mai gawd."
"Yeah, kinda used the Sack 'o Looting for another reason a couple of times. I'm sure you understand," Dan said, patting him on the back.
"I don't feel so good..."
"See, I knew you'd understand. Have fun," Dan said, and the griffon passed out. He watched as the ponies, griffies and humans once again set up camp and rebuilt a semblance of their lives. They did it without a hint of sorrow or regret, no bitterness among them. It was even more of a contrast to when they'd built camp on the island last week.
Twilight, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Pinkie Pie were about to enter the Castle of the Two Sisters once more. Before they entered, Twilight turned back to Dan on the steps, the human observing their subjects... her subjects.
"Hey, Dan?"
"Yes?"
"Did you want to come in with us?"
He shook his head. "Maybe later. Gonna work on getting things set up here first."
"Okay. Hey," She put her hoof on his shoulder, "Thanks."
Dan smiled the way he does. "You're welcome, Twilight. And thank you."
In the distance, Fluffle Puff had donned a saddle with the words FLUFFY THERAPY PONY emblazoned on the side. She ran around, dispensing hugs, cuddles and snuggles to those who needed them most. Marksaline hovered through the air, following her sister but did not need to use her own special healing powers. Both of them snuggled Lady Leomon, just because. The Pokemon Traineress was surprised but also delighted by this development.
The Plasma Frigate landed and Tuxley and Reginald established a small British colony in the ruins of one of the castle's turrets. As with all British colonies, the Dutch were quick to follow and establish their own colony to do important Dutch-related activities. Probably involving chocolate.
Finding a nice spot in the shade, Dan put his back to the wall and slid down to relax. Phoenix was quick to join him.
"So, I've gotta ask."
"Well, you don't but, you've already started so go ahead."
Phoenix slid to the ground, worked his hands as he looked at the others. "What happens when we can't rebuild? When we an't just... start over?"
Dan mashed his lips together. He squinted, the way he does when he's thinking about the unknown, trying to see what can't yet be seen. "I'll find a way."
"A way to rebuild?"
Dan sighed. He looked at his hands, both of them. "I have no idea what's going to happen. But I know I'm going to keep going. Keep fighting. I'm like Vice Grip, or Rice Grip, in that way. That's what makes him so tough; he's like me. He's like me..." He closed his hands into fists. He wondered if right now, Vice or Rice, either of them... or both of them, were doing the same thing.
Phoenix turned to him. "So, there's the question."
"What question is that, Nicky?"
"How would you beat you?"
And that actually made Dan think. The answer was obvious. "Use what he wants against him. Use... what he loves."
"But he doesn't love anything," Phoenix said.
Dan looked up at the ponies. "He loves his son." He got up, finally understanding what he had to do. "We haven't hit him with everything yet. We still have Fort Jerk, the Crystal Empire and the satellites."
"Uhh, no we don't," Lightning Claw said, landing near them. Colress got off the larger pony's back. "We have more problems now."
"Hello! Sorry I wasn't able to help more with the Rice/Vice situation." The moment he appeared, he had been tapping at his forearm gauntlet computers. Which honestly refreshed Dan; he liked not being the only one who was similar to Vice Grip/Rice Puddinghead.
"Let me guess, the satellites aren't working?" Dan asked.
"Well, no. They're gone."
"They're gone?!" Dan and Phoenix simultaneously exclaimed. Little bit anime style, both of them.
Colress nodded. "We, uh, seem to have some uninvited guests. Or, rather, more uninvited guests, as is the case." He extended his arm and a holographic Equestria appeared in front of them, complete with its moon. A few structures were also orbiting Equestria, or at least appeared to be.
"What are those things?" Phoenix pointed. "That diamond-thing behind the moon- what's that?"
"That's um, well, we know about that. We don't know about this," Colress tapped something and the space between Equestria and the moon zoomed in. Tiny sparkles that had been encircling Equestria materialized into shapes- debris. Scrap, solar panels, bits of chrome-like substance, not unlike a Magic Gear, floated in orbit over Equestria.
"Great. Great," Dan said, throwing his hands up. The satellites' weapons were one of the things he was going to hit Vice with, now those were clearly not an option. "Well, they were his satellites to begin with. Should've known he'd blow them up."
"Actually, they were the news satellites, most of them," Colress said. "Barro's news company owned and maintained them, Vice just weaponized them. Also, Vice didn't destroy them."
Dan turned to him. "Then WHO did?"
Colress turned a dial on his gauntlet and the feed from his holographic display reversed. The debris turned back into the satellites, slowly turning in space. There were a couple dozen satellites in orbit over Equestria, most of them oddly had Soviet Union markings on them. One of them, in fact, was a Goldeneye EMP weapon, but only Phoenix recognized it.
The display zoomed out again. A spaceship of some kind appeared from behind Equestria's moon and slowly moved into orbit.
"The heck is that thing?"
Phoenix shook his head. "No idea."
"Looks like a juice mixer attached to a golf bag," Dan said. A Hammerhead-class cruiser, not a vessel any of them were familiar with, made its way into Equestria's orbit. The moment the satellites came into range, the cruiser fired on them with its cannons. The satellites, not programmed at that time to defend themselves, offered no resistance. The cruiser held its position and destroyed the satellites that orbited Equestria one by one with green lasers. When they were gone, it launched a trio of objects at the planet. The feed was lost as the ship vaporized the last satellite.
"What in the hell was that?!" Dan asked.
"From what we can tell, the objects didn't appear to be weapons. They landed near Dodge Junction," Colress explained. "We weren't able to make out much about the ship itself, but we did pick up one thing." The display zoomed in on the cruiser. On the side of the hammerhead's 'head' was a blue symbol they did recognize- the Rebel Alliance starbird.
"Ah, crap," Dan said. "It's Barro's bumbling bomber brigade buddies. Bungling something else again, as usual. That's their logo on the side, there."
"You sure?" Phoenix asked. "That doesn't look like any ship they've used before. And that's not even the right logo." (Didn't we see bombers like those in the Mirror universe?)
"Probably friends of theirs," Dan surmised. "Right, where is Baron O' Broadcast? Him and his flying circus and I need to have words. Words like 'I told you' and 'I was right' and 'you owe me now.'"
"He's with Michael and the Blasties in the Plasma Frigate," Lightning said. "I think he tried to fight Rice, too."
"And I'm sure Rice could've beaten them and then sold them fake raffle tickets," Dan said. "C'mon, Nicky, let's go give news to the reporters."
"Coming. Thanks for the help, Colress."
"Sorry I couldn't do more, Mr. Wright." He went back to typing at his gauntlet.
Dan and Phoenix made their way through the bustle of the camp. Pegasi and griffons already had begun gathering stray clouds to make a temporary cloud outpost, or cloudpost. Unicorns hung tarps in between the grapple lines and created shade with the Golden Oaks in the center. The Plasma Frigate was moored towards the edge of the forest in a shallow lake.
As they made their way through the crowd, a lime green pony walked next to them, almost seeming to walk with them. The new pony walked so close to them, intentionally close, and bumped into Dan.
"Oh-ooops. I'm so sorry- excuse me."
"You in a hurry, buddy?"
The pony trotted in front of Dan, looking at the ground. "Oh, uh, not really. Say, you're Dan, aren't you?"
Dan stared, brow furrowed at him. "You must be new."
"Sorry, I'm normally in Canterlot," the pony said. He reached down and seemed to pick up something, but neither Dan nor Phoenix saw it. "Aren't you the one who beat General Zeal?"
"Yeah," Dan said. "And his army. What of it?"
"And you're Phoenix Wright," the green pony said, coming closer. "You fought Boba Fett and lived to tell the tale."
"Oh uh, yes. That's right," Phoenix said. (Though I don't remember telling that tale to anyone... except Dan and Twilight.)
"What's your deal, pal?" Dan asked.
"Uh, nothing. But uh, you dropped your cell phone," the pony said, hoofing it to them.
Dan shook his head in annoyed confusion. "No I didn't," he reached for his pocket and pulled it out. "See? That must be yours."
The pony shook his head. "I don't have a phone. No- I saw you drop it. This is for you," he said. It was a curious choice of words only Phoenix picked up on, and the pony hoofed it to Dan again.
Instinctively, Dan grabbed it, if only to prove it wasn't his. It was the same make and model as Dan's iPhone. "Uh, this is definitely not mine, buddy, so you can take it back and-"
"You should check to make sure it's not broken," the pony stated flatly. "Safe travels to you." He then trotted back the way he came. Phoenix and Dan both looked at the phone- clearly not Dan's, but when they turned around to get the pony's attention, he was gone.
"The *squee*. Seriously, this place gets weirder every moment," Dan remarked.
"What's on the phone?"
Dan checked it. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary- no features or data had been used, no applications or anything irregular installed. There was only a single message in the phone's databanks:
GenoHaradan say to talk to Visor in Pone Depot. Come alone.
"'Come alone'," Dan read the message allowed. "Well obviously, I'm not doing that."
"What if whoever these guys are refuse to speak to you?" Phoenix asked, tapping the phone's screen. (They sound ominous enough that they're not likely to like refusals.)
"Then it's obviously their loss, Nicky. When someone tells you to 'come alone' or meet them by yourself, don't," Dan said. "Even if it was like an ultimatum situation or a hostage exchange, I'd have you and Chrys out of sight."
"Speaking of hostages, it's surprising Vice/Rice hasn't leveraged Rarity and the princesses against us," Phoenix remarked. "It could be he still has plans for them..."
Dan's fists balled. "No more distractions, Nicky. No. More. We're going after the princesses. And the Rarity, of course."
"We don't even know-"
"WE KNOW THEY'RE ON THE MOON. We're like... ninety-percent sure. Pretty much, we're sure," Dan declared. "I'll destroy the moon too, if I have to, to get them back."
"Uh," Phoenix raised a finger, "that might be a colossally bad idea. World-ending catastrophe-levels of bad idea."
"You know what I mean," Dan chided.
Phoenix nodded. "Yeah, that's why I'm telling you it's a bad idea. There are some things you can't rebuild, Dan. The moon, the planet, those are definitely two of those things."
"Not without the right tools, anyway. Yeah, I get it, I'm just saying... look, you know how violent we are. We'll PROBABLY end up blowing up at least a piece of the moon. Little piece," Dan emphasized with his fingers. "I'm sure nighttime princess will be able to fix it, even if we do."
"Hey, you think we could cheat again and replace the moon with a static backdrop? Before anyone notices?" Phoenix chuckled.
"If it hasn't been already," Dan replied, oddly serious. "Just... don't give anyone any ideas. Speaking of giving people ideas, let's go see the guy who might be able to get us up there."
"Barro?"
"Barro," Dan answered. And they made their way through the camp to find him. Or rather, me.
Dan and Phoenix boarded the Plasma Frigate. Despite appearing to be made entirely of wood, the actual ship itself was encased in a wooden frame meant to give it an old-world feeling. The cold, steel core of the vessel was hidden within a dark shell, similar to Kyurem who was still at the vessel's core. The wood creaked as they walked from the gangplank to the deck, testament to how thorough the facade really was.
Fortunately for them, Barro and Michael weren't hard to find. They were on the deck, hooking up what looked to be some sort of satellite communications equipment to Dan's tank. What was surprising, specifically to Dan, was not that the two news ponies happened to be setting up satellite equipment despite that their broadcasting satellites were destroyed, but the fact they happened to be setting up this equipment on Dan's tank.
"How do we know it's a software problem?" Michael asked.
"Did you plug it in?" Barro asked.
"Yes."
"Did you turn it on?
"Yes."
"And it's still not working?"
"Yes indeed," Michael confirmed.
"Then it's a software problem. Plug it back in again."
Dan and Phoenix approached the two broadcasters. For a moment, none of them said anything, letting Barro and Michael continue working while Dan examined what they had done so far. He nodded, then raised a hand to cover his mouth. "Ahem."
"Yeah, in case you two news idiots missed the news, there are no satellites up there. So installing a satellite dish to MY tank, while inspired and a very nice idea, isn't going to help us," Dan said, folding his arms.
"Oh uh, sorry."
"Sorry Dan," Barro said, "You were busy so we just asked Clutch if we could borrow the tank. Hope you don't mind," the broadcaster said.
Dan shook his head. "Nah, I don't mind at all."
And ten seconds after he said that,
"AAAHHH! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Dan threw Barro off the ship.
"That's one way to drop anchor," Phoenix smirked.
This caused Michael to run to the edge of the deck. "Barro! Uh, pony overboard!" Of course, doing this put him in the proper position so that Dan could easily left Michael's hindlegs up and flip him over the side. Which he did.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Splash, he landed in the shallow lake as well.
Dan then turned around. "Right. Raise the gangplank so they can't get back on and then help me get this Radio Shack garbage off my tank."
"Ha! Radio Shack's not even a thing!" Michael yelled from somewhere down below.
"Dan, we kinda need their help, modifications to the tank aside," Phoenix said.
"Nah, we'll be fine. Ima we'll take the tank to the moon."
"Dan."
"Okay, FINE. We'll upgrade the tank's cannon so it can shoot us to the moon. Is that better?"
Phoenix shook his head. "Seriously Dan, Barro's the only one with space access since we lost Ponyville. We need him."
Dan rolled his eyes. "Fiiiine. Lower the gangplank."
Barro and Michael were just getting out of the lake when the gangplank was lowered. "Honestly, I do wonder if he's just trying to see how much he can get away with sometimes, because all this crap he does doesn't even seem to-GAAGH!" And it was lowered onto Barro.
"HAHA! Hahahaaha!" Michael burst out laughing. "Hahahahaha! The way it just came down right on your-ARRGH!" Until the satellite dish Dan threw over the side landed on him.
"You two clowns get back up here! We need to talk!"
Soaking wet and bruised, Barro and Michael rejoined Dan and Phoenix on the deck. The lawyer was happy to present them with a pair of fluffy Team Plasma towels from below deck. After they were done reconciling, Dan calmly explained to Barro and Michael what they needed.
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!" But first he threw them off the boat again. Not quite done yet.
Michael ran to the edge again. "Barro! Someone, pony ovebo-AAAHH!" There we go.
"Heh, anchors away, eh, Dan?" the lawyer said, clearly on fire with the gags today.
Back on the deck of the ship, Barro and Michael once again dried off. "So you want to use MY spaceships."
"I've actually thought this through quite a bit," Dan said. "Vice or Rice or whatever is probably waiting for us up on the moon, right? So I want to throw up a smokescreen."
"A smokescreen?" Barro rubbed his chin. "Alright, I'm listening."
Dan laid it all out before him. "So, the moon is in orbit. I want you to use your satellite dishes and broadcasting stuff to bombard the moon with signals. Fake signals. Stuff to confuse them, distract them, anything like that. Maybe a program they're guaranteed to be interested in."
"Oh! You know, college football's starting up soon. Maybe we could broadcast a Gators game at Rice," Michael suggested.
"That's Earth, Michael," Barro said. "Honestly, it's a good thing those broadcasts never get to Earth. If one of those Gator fans called up the station in Goldenrod, we'd probably never hear the end of it."
Phoenix leaned forward. "Wait, what about Gator fans?"
"Ah, Gator fans. It's college football- don't worry about it," Barro said, batting away the idea.
But Phoenix shook his head. "No, no- what's this about Gator fans? You said if they called your radio station-"
"We'd probably never hear the end of it," Barro answered. "Those Gator fans, some of them are real nutjobs. They do all sorts of crap before the games like pregame rituals. We did a radio show back in Goldenrod City about it and some of these guys actually claimed their little rituals worked, but they had to keep doing it. Like actual magic could help the Gators win or something."
"You got a thing for college football, Nicky?" Dan asked. "It's Earth. And honestly, football- or American Rugby, as is the correct term, is something I'd rather leave back on Earth."
Phoenix rubbed his chin, his eyes narrowing. Magic was about connections, connections between people... and other things. Maybe, there was some kind of magic in a connection between worlds. Between possibilities, even connections between ideas. There might have been some magic there. If magic could supposedly make the Gators unbeatable, maybe it could work with a certain pony... a certain scientist pony with metal hands.
"So what happens if the Gators lose?" Phoenix asked. "What do the fans do then?"
"Eh, you never hear from the fans when they lose. They always call in when they win, never when they lose."
"They NEVER call in when they lose?"
Barro nodded. "Not once that I know of. Why?"
"No no no, let me be absolutely clear- according to you, the Gator fans NEVER call in when the Gators lose a game?"
Barro nodded again. "No, they never called once when they lost. Not on Earth, anyway."
(Not on Earth...)
"Nicky? Equestria to Nicky, you onto something?"
"Maybe..." Phoenix said, nodding to himself. "Magic is about bringing things in that didn't exist in this universe in a real form, right? Like... it has to be a concept and magic can make it real."
"Yeah. That's how you and me got here," Dan said. To be fair, he didn't know if he had been summoned by somepony, he was just guessing. He was wrong.
Phoenix paced. "What if you could remove something with magic? A... de-summoning spell? Like, what if the Gator fans are removing the possibility of defeat from their universe?"
"Haha," Michael laughed. "Well they'd pretty much have to be doing that non-stop because the Gators lose all the time."
"Just lost to Notre Dame the other day," Barro said. "Got slaughtered. But our station doesn't even do sports any more. If it was still be relayed from Miami or somewhere, it would just go to any random source that would pick it up."
"We lost the satellites right before we were attacked..." Phoenix said, still thinking aloud. (Maybe there's a connection here. Can't believe, all this time the secret to invincibility was that damn argument on the radio.)
"So you want us to broadcast the Florida Gators at the moon," Barro said. "And while they're blinded with less-than-useless sports updates, you will be doing what exactly?"
Dan smirked. "Flying with those orange jumpsuited morons you love so much. Where is Grex anyway?"
"Bold and Dice Squadrons, you're thinking of them," Barro said.
"Yeah- the two groups of orange guys. Where are they?" Dan asked. Behind him, Michael bit his lower lip.
"Really Barro, that WAS the time right there to call in the reinforcements. We certainly did," Phoenix said.
"Where's the rest of your team?" Dan asked.
Barro took a deep breath and sighed. "Remember when they asked you for help?"
"Yeah. I told them to take a hike. They can take care of themselves and it's not like we can-"
"They were wiped out three months ago, Dan. They're all gone."
"Oh..." Dan said. He rubbed the back of his chin. "Well... I, I am sorry, Barro. But seriously- how could they not take care of themselves? And even as I ask, I know the answer- it's because they're idiots. Okay, probably should have been a little more considerate."
"I have Master Braddoh, the Jedi Shadow, collecting orbital readings right now. Along with Colress, we'll find out what happened exactly soon enough," Barro replied. "But it's all right, Dan. Getting involved with them could have jeopardized Equestria... even if you jeopardized it yourself anyway. You get used to this with the news, though."
"Ah. I see," Dan said, nodding. "I wouldn't know myself, though."
"Why's that?"
Dan shrugged. "I don't really watch the news." Barro then threw Dan overboard.
When Dan climbed his way back to the Plasma Frigate again, another person had joined the group. A man just bit shorter than Phoenix stood with Barro and Michael discussing something with them.
"Ah, Dan, there's someone I want you to meet," Barro began.
Dan held up his hands. "Okay, I'm going to let go the fact you tossed me over the side. Everybody gets at least one Dan Freebie."
"Do I get a Dan Freebie?" Phoenix asked.
"No. So who's this?" Dan looked over the new arrival. He was an armored figure, only the lower half of his face exposed. The rest of him was covered in green armor that matched the forest behind them. Dan didn't know if that was intentional or not, but the person appeared to be human. And he had a lightsaber clipped to his belt.
"Dan, this is Master Rals Bradaig, a Jedi Master. He was summoned here some time ago and he has some valuable information for us," Barro explained.
"Hello," the Jedi said to Dan.
And Dan looked over the green-armored Jedi from head to toe. Then looked back to Barro. Then back to the Jedi. Then back to Barro again. And finally, Dan said, "A Jedi. An actual freaking Jedi. So what, you can just summon your own space ninjas whenever you want now?"
Barro shook his head, an action mimicked by Michael. "I didn't summon him, Dan."
"You just SAID you summoned him."
"No, I said he was summoned here."
"Some time ago," Michael said, "our broadcast satellites picked up some strange transmissions coming from somewhere out in space. Barro and I asked Luna if we could summon a spaceship to help us track it down. We summoned one, which is where all the rest of these guys came from."
Dan frowned, clearly not amused. "So you didn't summon HIM, you summoned a ship and he came with it. I'm sure Twilight would probably question the effectiveness of a 'package deal' summoning spell."
"She knows about it," Barro stated flatly. "Summoning people is tricky- you can't summon someone or something if their own universe is going to miss them for very long. So, we summoned a few ships that we thought had been destroyed and it turned out they were just lost. And Equestria found them."
"When we were out at sea, we used Vinyl's bass cannon to map the ocean floor," Phoenix said, remembering back. "We found out the seafloor is littered with sunken ships. Ships that were thought to be lost on Earth."
"Like, pirate ships?" Michael asked.
Dan shook his head. "Not like the chicken-headed lions and their flying life preserver ships, no. But if you've had this guy all this time, WHY didn't you tell him to go destroy Rice with his laser sword?"
"It's a lightsaber, actually," Rals interjected.
Barro shrugged. "You try getting him to do that."
"Alright, fine. Ninja-man! Jedi dude, what did you say your name was?"
"Master Rals Bradaig of the Jedi Council," he said, placing his fingers together in a gesture of serenity.
"Right, Brad, I need you to go take out a scientist for me. He's about this tall, tan, labcoat, weird-looking metal shoes and hands, talks a lot and has this evil sneer he does," Dan explained. And Master Bradaig just stood there. So Dan said, "Please?"
"A Jedi never uses the Force to attack," Bradaig stated.
"The *fuck* does that mean."
"It means he won't help," Barro clarified.
The master raised a finger saying, "Violence isn't always the answer. Have you tried reasoning with Rice?"
Have you tried reasoning with rice? The words echoed in Dan's mind like his head was hollow and his voice was bouncing off the interior walls. He stared blankly at the Jedi for a solid minute.
"Oh," Dan finally said. "He's one of those guys."
"You're a pacifist," Phoenix surmised, the way he phrased it inviting an explanation.
"In a way," he answered. "I do not seek violence. It is not the Jedi way. But conflict, as with all things, can occur and when it does-"
"Ask him how many people he's killed," Barro stated flatly, derailing the wisdom lecture.
And the Jedi Master frowned at him. "I would ask you, please, not to describe it like that."
"How many people have you killed?" Dan asked enthusiastically, starting to hop. "OH. OH. OH. OH. OH. OH. OH. OH."
"Down, boy," Phoenix said.
But Dan''s enthusiasm could not be contained. "DO YOU LIKE REVENGE? Oh my gosh, seriously, if you like revenge, then hello new best friend! Where have you been all this time? Welcome to the gang, my name's Dan, this is Nicky and we've got pirates and robots and I have a tank- have you seen the tank? Let me show you the tank, buddy you're gonna-"
Dan reached for Brad, had even decided on calling him Brady and inducting him into the team when Brad the Jedi held up a hand and said, "Revenge is not the Jedi way."
"Get out."
"Dan, be nice to the man and his religion."
"Get out now." Dan snarled, reminding everyone why he will likely never be a Jedi. "You two news doofuses go with him," he said, pointing at Barro and Michael.
"You'll have to forgive Dan, he's... well, no, wait. I guess you don't have to forgive him, he probably doesn't care," Phoenix explained. Dan continued snarling behind him. "I'm Phoenix Wright, defense attorney."
"Pleased to meet you. As Barro said, I do have some information for you," Brad said, and pulled out a mask, the mask of someone's face they knew.
"A Vice Grip mask?" Phoenix asked. "Where did you find this?"
"I picked up from town hall after Rice removed it."
"I would like to punch that mask."
Phoenix looked at it. It was well-made, flexible but simple. It was kind of surprising how none of them had noticed the scientist had been wearing a mask before, but then again, maybe he wasn't always wearing one. Or maybe it was part of the magic. Either way, Dan continued tugging on the cuff of Phoenix's jacket.
"Careful, you're gonna rip... rip..."
"I would like to punch the mask. And then stab it. And then set it on fire. Maybe punch it again after all that was over. Run over it with the tank for good measure. Couple of times," Dan said.
The one remarkable feature about the mask Phoenix noticed was the seam. Or rather, the fact there didn't seem to be a seam. This explained why none of them noticed it before; it was THAT good. And only one pony in Equestria was that good at sewing.
Phoenix bit his lip. "Rarity made this."
"What?" "What!?"
Dan grabbed it, stuck his head halfway inside and asked "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?!?!"
"I'd recommend not doing that stuff you said you were going to do to the mask while you were wearing it," Barro said. "Also, WHAAAAT?!"
Michael looked at the mask after carefully removing it from Dan's head. "I think I saw this at the day spa..."
"The Ponyville DaySpa!" Dan exclaimed. "There were a bunch of masks there! Creepy, weirdo voodoo masks!"
"You went to a day spa?" Phoenix asked.
"Yes! Before you were here. And remember that pink goo? We saw that stuff the first time at the spa," Dan said, remembering back. The Day Spa, where Vice Grip's henchman Yes Man was trying to turn the town into mindless zombies using that pink goo, what they thought was shampoo at the time. What was the connection?
The pieces were still coming together, but not quite fitting together. Rice Puddinghead, the former chancellor of Ponyville, masquerading as his own son that was killed in an assassination attempt meant to kill him, now trying to reclaim control of Equestria... for what purpose?
Two of them knew the answer to that question: Marksaline and Fluffle Puff.
The assassination attempt, Twilight returning from the Crystal Empire, Dan's arrival in Equestria, all three sets of events were continuing to have a major impact. Rice was trying to manipulate them to do something, to "change the future" as he said. But what it really seemed like he was trying to do was change the one thing that can't be changed: the past.
"Was Rarity working with Vice the whole time?" Phoenix asked. "This is definitely her work. And he's been wearing it since before Rarity and the others went missing..."
Dan folded his arms. If there was one thing he hated most, it was traitors. Traitors and hypocrites. Traitors, hypocrites, and people who start sentences with "I mean." That's the FIRST THING you said, you can't clarify a statement you HAVEN'T MADE YET. Also, people who roll down the window in the car AND leave the air conditioning on. There is NO POINT in doing that- you're wasting good A/C. And another thing- who in the hell is making ice cube dispensers dispense so much ice at one time? I just need enough for a freaking drink, I'm not trying to fill a bowl EVERY *squee*ING TIME I NEED ICE!
"Well, thank you for this information anyway. Hopefully, we can find Rarity before-" Phoenix looked up. Brad was gone.
"Another thing," Barro said, "Master Bradaig is a Jedi Shadow. He can use the Force to turn invisible. Helps him with his job."
Dan pinched his brow hard. "I'm just gonna forget the fact you've had your own ninjas all this time."
Barro shrugged. "I haven't asked you about any of your friends. And as a reporter, I SHOULD be asking the questions. But now back to your problem- you need to get to space, right?"
Dan and Phoenix nodded. Michael also nodded for some reason.
Barro nodded back at them. "That's what I thought. Unfortunately, with Ponyville being defunct, you're out of options for launching facilities. None of Gust's airships or the Danfiant are going to be able to break atmosphere with the current power they've got, so what you need is something to get you that power."
Dan nodded again. "Yes yes, and you have that I presume?"
"Not me particularly, but I can point you in the right direction," Barro said, and he pulled out a map of Equestria. "All's Well, New Mexicolt. It's southwest of the Rockyroad Mountains. The donkeys have their own secret facility there. That's how we can get to the moon."
Grinning, Dan grabbed the map. "Yes, yes, perfect. Now what about a distraction?"
The Earth pony anchor sighed. "I'll provide it myself. I have one ship left- just one."
"One ship?" Dan raised an eyebrow. "Like a dreadnought? Carrier?"
"A fighter. Don't worry, it'll be enough," Barro assured him. "Also, I'll need to borrow your tank and the Plasma Frigate."
Dan sighed heavily through gritted teeth. "Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffine. I'm going to go tell Twilight- you let those jackasses know we're coming. And the donkeys, too."
"Duly noted," Barro replied. Dan and Phoenix left the Plasma Frigate to go find Twilight and the others.
Dan and Phoenix were half-way through the camp, on their way to the castle ruins, and both were completely silent. Dan and Phoenix, not the camp and castle. The camp was alive with activity; four groups of displaced citizens without any organization beyond what they could carry and who they happened to know. Apart from a few tents that were set up and the Golden Oaks library, there were no buildings. They had lost so much, yet carried on. What they still had with them was something that could not be packed, placed or even seen.
"I hate magic," Dan suddenly stated. A drew a leer but no comment from Phoenix, so he continued. "It's always so... choosey. When it wants to work, what it wants to do..."
"It's saved our backsides more than once," Phoenix reminded him. "Shields, the shield-ball thing. Chrys turning into you... other stuff."
Dan scowled. "Tricks, Nicky, just a bunch of tricks. Real magic, the magic magic would be being able to poof Ponyville and everything back right the way it was. Vaporize Vice Grip and scatter his particles in a million directions at once, blast him and the Director so far away no one heard from them again! Rip them into bite-sized chunks and blenderize what remains into a paste, and then we take the paste and-"
"I understand what you're saying," Phoenix said. "There's a bit of a leap between making something levitate and then moving the sun and moon. But it's still using the same principle. The same stuff."
He turned to Phoenix. "So what's the difference between us and Ranch Dip, then?"
"I think you mean Rice. And, well, we do have better names-"
"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" Dan yelled. He huffed, fuming for a second. Ponies and griffons nearby stopped to stare at him. "What's the difference between us and Vice?"
"Dan I, I kinda thought we were past this."
"And I thought we were safe!" Dan shouted. Not an angry shout, however, though there was anger in it. As his words broke, they carried with them something Phoenix Wright did not expect to hear from Dan: distress.
Dan looked like he could break down at any time. Anger was actually more stable than fear, and it showed in the more twittery motions of his arms and legs. Fists were still balled, shoulders still rising with each breath, teeth still gritted but also slightly chattering. It appeared though at any moment, he might collapse to his knees and beg.
"It's... it's gonna be okay, Dan."
"HOW? How is ANY of this going to be okay?! We're in the *squee*ing woods! Both literally and in the sense that I am OUT of ideas. I am... I am..." He slumped to the ground. "I got nothing. I just... I'm out. Done. I got nothing, Nicky. I'm sorry."
The Phoenix Wright knelt next to him. "Hey, look... this happens to everybody." Dan looked up at him with a frown that looked like it might reach the floor. "We're all under a lot of stress right now. No one expects you to just come up with amazing schemes off the top of your head."
Dan's head sunk. "Yeah they do..."
"Yeah, I kinda do." "Me too." "Me too."
"SEE?!"
"Guys, can you all please? Not now, okay?" Phoenix asked them. The commentary from the ponies around them wasn't helping the situation. But they did give Phoenix an idea. "Look, I'm sure you'll get back in the swing of it soon. You've had a lot of great plans so far. Some of them have even worked."
Dan's eyes watered at that comment. Fortunately, this pushed him back towards anger. "What's that supposed to mean?! ALL of them have worked, even the one to blow up the town! It's just really really incon-freaking-venient that we can't magically fix the town!"
"I'm sorry, yes, ALL of the plans have worked or at least not failed too horribly, we just need another one. You can think of that," Phoenix said. "What if... what if we asked everyone else for ideas?"
Dan's shoulders lowered gradually. His anger started to subside. "Hmmm... they don't know proper procedure, though. I guess we can teach that to them. Might be a good idea."
"Exactly. And even if we don't use them, they might clue us into other good ideas we could use. We can build off suggestions," Phoenix suggested.
And Dan considered that suggestion. He considered it very, very hard. It was dangerously close to his no copy-cat plans rule, a rule which arguably he had broken, but had followed in spirit. And more to the point, Dan did like involvement.
"Hmmm," Dan hmmed, "Hmmmm... I like it, Nicky."
"Great," Phoenix nodded, happy his friend was no longer in a funk. "So, we can talk this over with Twilight and the others and-"
"ATTENTION! Tiny talking horse people and pirate bird-lion-thingies," Dan projected. The townspones and griffons once again stopped to stand or hover in place. "We are now accepting ideas from certain pre-approved sources i.e, you guys. So, if anybody has any ideas for future plans to either exact revenge upon or fix something or both, please mail them to us care of DanPlans Inc."
"What's DanPlans Inc.?" "I only support consumer's union-approved companies."
Dan slumped. "Just mail them to the library and have Derpy deliver them. That's the best way this will work."
On cue, Derpy descended and tugged on Dan's sleeve.
"No, not now, Derpy, WHEN we get a plan submission," Dan chastised. But Derpy continued adorably pulling on his sleeve. "What? What is it?"
"I have an idea, Dan," Derpy said.
"Really?" Both Dan and Phoenix leaned towards her. "Keep your voice down. So is this a plan to beat Vice Drip, rebuild the town, kill Vice, get revenge on Vice, build something and kill Vice with it or all of the above?"
"Actually-"
"Because I would like to kill Vice Grip. And if you help me do that, I promise I will hug you AND buy you a muffin," Dan offered.
Derpy's eyes focused for a moment, like she was considering the idea, then went back to normal. "Actually, it could kind of help build back Ponyville and catch Chancellor Rice."
"And that is?"
"We could have a bake sale," Derpy said.
"Bake sale!" "Bake sale! I heard Bake Sale!" "BAAAAKE SAAALLLE!!"
"No no no!" Dan yelled, but it was too late. At the uttering of the words 'Bake Sale,' the ponies and griffons began to swarm with activity.
"A bake sale's a great idea!" "We haven't had one in ages!" "What a great way to bring the town together after a disaster!" "Great idea, Dan!"
Derpy smiled and nuzzled Dan's head. "Great idea, Danny!"
"That was NOT MY IDEA!" Dan yelled. "Public executions at the bake sale, THAT'S my idea."
"It's okay, Dan," Blast Fuse said, floating by with her sister. "We've had plans for an exploding bake sale for a long time."
"That is NOT the point and please give me those plans- but what exactly is a bake sale going to do to fix the town?" Dan asked.
"Well," Derpy began, "We could make it a really, really big one. And invite donkeys and zebras and everyone from all over the world, they could spend money or donate supplies and help us rebuild the town. Obviously it will draw Mr. Rice's attention and we can trap him. Maybe with a big, magical cake trap or something."
Dan and Phoenix were struck silent. Wide-eyed wondering, they exchanged a glance. "It's brilliant," Dan finally said.
"It really is. And it's something we'd already do!" Phoenix declared. "So let's start doing it like we already did it!"
The Castle of The Two Sisters, or just the Castle of Two, had been gutted for well over a thousand years now. Like most of Equestria's other castles, it had been divided into eight sections- one for each Element of Harmony and two wings flanking the core representing the sun and moon. The entrance represented laughter, the courtyard in the back of the castle was kindness, the living quarters were generosity, the kitchen and dining hall were honesty and the armory and barracks held loyalty. Magic was represented by the grand hall and connecting corridors, as well as the library in the upper chambers and the observatory on top.
The two wings and a few adjoining chambers were all that remained and even those, only just. The grand hall, throne room, entrance and upper levels of the castle had all been obliterated with just the stony corners remaining. Grass and other flora grew freely through the long-ruined floors with a sturdy new tree providing canopy in place of the ceiling in one corner. The tattered remains of tapestries and banners, all that remained of the magic in the past millennium, spoke of the faded glory of the once-proud castle.
"Remarkable," Tuxley said. "Reginald?"
"Yes sir?"
"We must document everything. Get samples, take pictures- we may need to make a few trips," the dinosaur started, almost salivating. He then noticed Twilight noticing him. "With her highness's permission, of course."
"It's fine, Tuxley. Might as well save what we can." She sighed. Spike knew the reason why.
"What's wrong, Twilight?" He asked anyway. She was slow to answer. "You're... wondering if we'll be doing the same to Canterlot."
"Hoping we'll be lucky enough to, to be honest," Twilight replied. Losing the heart of the kingdom was quite a blow. Tougher was the fact that there were less remains of Canterlot than the castle they were standing in right now. Still, it had been worth it. If Rice had abducted the town or gained access to some of the things inside Canterlot, it was likely he would have used them to terrorize the rest of Equestria or even made his way to Earth.
Canterlot Castle held many secrets, most of which were now stored in Gust's ring-shaped airships in Raiders of The Lost Ark-style boxes. Every castle in Equestria had dozens of secrets, even the abandoned ones. Powerful spells kept whatever was hidden in place, the exception being the Castle of Two which had been destroyed by a powerful spell and all within it destroyed. Or so Twilight thought.
"Bring any books to me that you find," Twilight instructed Tux and Reginald. "Even if they're ruined, even if there are pages missing, even pages you find lying around, gather anything important you find."
"We most certainly shall, your highness," the pair bowed.
"And don't think I haven't noticed you establishing yet another British colony on the lawn."
Tuxley and Reginald sulked. Being Brits, founding colonies was what they did. Travel to a place, set up a colony, establish trade, build civilization, grow empire, it was natural to them. It's in their blood, the same way establishing a Lawl-Mart with a Burgerphile inside it is natural to Americans. Yeah you might think that sounds offensive but try going somewhere where the temperature is 100+ in the daytime and tell me you wouldn't kill for air conditioning and a cheeseburger.
"It's just a little colony, your highness. I highly doubt anyone would even notice it wasn't here the whole time," Tuxley said.
"No buts. No more colonizing without my permission beforehand. Understand?"
"Yes, ma'am," the two bowed again.
"Would this be a bad time to mention we've already built a new Tesco?"
"Later, Reginald, later," Tux said.
Twilight and Spike traveled together through the ruined courtyard to the keep in the castle's rear to the north. The Chamber of the Elements was kept the castle's keep, the walls surrounding it more intact than the other walls. In Equestria, the keep of each castle was usually not used as a residence but more for the storage of important things. The only exception was Trottingham Palace, which was actually based on Windsor Castle and not Buckingham Palace.
Rainbow Dash and Daring Do were busy examining the fountain in the center of the courtyard. Covered in vines and grass growing through the base, it was nevertheless a piece of architecture that could speak volumes to the enlightened eye like Daring. Rainbow had to be careful when clearing some of the weeds as not to cause further damage to the structure, but Daring didn't have to remind her of that. They were all acting with a little more restraint.
The castle keep and the Chamber of the Elements itself, remained in their half-destroyed state. The ceiling was gone and only the remains of the columns, the window frames and door remained intact.
"What are we looking for, Twilight?"
"Something missing or out of place," Twilight said, determined. "Vice is using an elemental summoning spell to power himself with magic from a source outside of Equestria. Like the Elements of Harmony, but using an element that's not from Equestria itself."
"Not from this Equestria, at least," Spike added.
"Mm-hmm. The key to stopping him might be in blocking his element from the source, the same way we did with Zen Zeal. We block the magic, we stop the spell and then he won't be invincible any more," Twilight said, still determined. And then she added, "Hopefully."
They opened the door slowly. The wood let out a long, eerie, creak, almost a warning in itself.
"Quite an interesting theory," Rice said. He stood in the center of the room with his back turned to them. "Care to test it?"
"Vice Grip!!" Twilight yelled, instinctively putting up a shield around her and Spike. Before she could do anything else, one of the columns smashed into her shield and batted her and Spike into one of the walls. It was almost surprising the wall itself didn't crack from the force of them slamming into it.
"Predictable," Rice said, the word a harsh criticism and an insult rolled into one. Another column smashed them back into the other, which in turn hit it back. Spike and Twilight were dazed as the two stone pillars batted them back and forth across the room, which from an overhead shot looked exactly like a game of Pong. It even made the same sound effects.
Finally, just when Twilight felt she couldn't take it any more, one of the columns got underneath them and lifted them up like a ball on a tee-ball stand. Rice hovered up to their level.
"Twilight, Twilight, Twilight... you always were the smart one in my class. Smartest even. A prodigy in your own right... just like me," Rice said. The sandy-gold colored pony clasped his metal hands behind his back like he did. "But you always were just a little bit too naive. You never learned to predict your opponents. Always trying to make friends with them. Even as a filly."
"Do you EVER get tired of hearing yourself talk?!" Spike yelled.
Rice shrugged. "I enjoy hearing intelligent conversation, so there's really no one else to listen to."
"There's Twilight!"
Rice grinned. "I know."
Twilight held her head with both hooves. The sound of a tin can falling down the stairs echoed through her skull. "Spike... I have a concussion and he's already calling us stupid. Please don't help him."
"Sorry, Twilight. Wait, what do you mean "help him?""
"Look... whoever you are, it doesn't even matter what you do to us. There is no way you're going to get what you want out of this," Twilight declared. "You will never destroy Earth and nopony will ever listen to you so long as you're threatening our friends. Whatever society you want to build, it won't be with our help."
Rice raised an eyebrow. The second column rose up high and positioned itself over them. "Care to test that theory?"
Dan and Phoenix crashed through the door in the tank.
Side by side, Dan and Phoenix returned to the castle entrance. Behind them, the townsfolk, their friends, were already planning their bake sale. Ponies, people... everyone in Equestria seemed to be like that. Most didn't spend much time moping, especially when they were together as a group. Not only that, they all had something to do, something to progress towards.
What Vice seemed to have a problem understanding was all around him. Progress wasn't just reaching that brighter tomorrow. Sometimes, it was just being happy tomorrow comes and trying to make it a little brighter in your own way. But then, Vice wasn't Vice right now- he was Rice, as he had been all along.
"So, who all is going with us to All's Well?" Phoenix asked.
Dan raised his eyebrow. "With 'us', Nicky? Pretty presumptuous of you to assume I'm taking you."
"It's also assuming Twilight lets you go," Phoenix countered. "But, it's probably going to be hot, dangerous, uncomfortable, dangerous, nerve-wrackingly dangerous and dangerous."
"Don't forget dangerous."
"That too, so I figured you'd probably drag me along for the ride," Phoenix said, grinning slightly. "Besides, I knew you'd always take your best friend along for the ride, so it's only a matter of finding out who else we're bringing with us."
Dan nodded. "I guess you got me there. You know, sometimes I wonder what was the point of going on vacation," he pondered aloud. "If our lives are just one random adventure after the next, why bother taking time off?"
"To trap everyone in town on a boat and force them to do whatever you say for a few days?"
"Ah. Yeah, there was also that. Good point, Nicky."
"I want separate boats next time."
"No."
They walked up the stone steps to the door, smiling contently. It was nice just to have a plan and be among friends, especially after such a long day. Phoenix reached out to grab the handle of one side of the door, Dan the other.
Phoenix's hands brushed against the flat surface. "Uh, Dan?"
"Yeah Nicky?"
"You notice anything strange about the door?" he asked. The old doorknob didn't seem to be a doorknob. In fact, it seemed it was imprinted on the door itself. More than that, the door itself was only a print of something larger.
Dan's own fingers poked at the door until he stopped and frowned. "As a matter of fact, I do."
It took Phoenix a few moments longer. He tried to feel the sides of the door, but there weren't any. "This isn't a door."
"No, no it is not."
The realization suddenly dawned on him. He turned to Dan. "It's a static backdrop."
Dan nodded. "That it be, Nicky."
"But who would... RICE! WE'VE BEEN DUPED!"
"Eeyep."
"HE'S IN THE CASTLE WITH TWILIGHT!"
"Right again, Nicky," Dan said stoically, still frowning.
"What do we do, Dan? We don't have anything to slow him down with this time, we're out of time!" Phoenix yelled.
Dan placed his palm on the taller man's forehead. "Nicky! Becalm yourself. BECALM." Phoenix removed Dan's hand. "Right, so, we have a few things going for us. One, we have the element of surprise. Two, we have experts in stealth and sneaking tactics like Stevie, Redfield and that Jedi guy Brad. Three, we're a team and he's just one guy. Working together, we can use our skills and numbers and tactics to get the drop on him and beat him."
"Right," Phoenix nodded. "He has no idea we're coming. So what do we do?"
Dan grinned. "Oh, I think you know what we're gonna do."
The tank smashed through the static backdrop, tearing a massive hole in it and ripping the rest apart in chunks. The tank's wheels sped through the castle grounds, kicking up dirt and grass and destroying the landscape.
"Dan! The tank's not going to fit through the door!" Phoenix yelled from the backseat.
Dan fired the tank's main cannon at the door. The shot exploded, but did little damage. Not even Twilight knew, but the castle, even in its destroyed state, had a spell cast over it that protected it. This spell was very potent, similar to ones used on the other inactive castles, designed to protect them from nature while the princesses were away. There was only so much they could do, however, especially since the spell was only meant to maintain the castle rather than protect it from all-out assault.
"Dan!"
"FIT THIS!"
"DAN!"
The tank smashed through the doorway, exploding the entrance in an eruption of stones. Crushed masonry and dust filled the hall beyond, littering the entrance with rubble but the tank just kept on going. Dan sped the tank through the grand hall all the way to the throne room and crushed both thrones under its massive wheels. The walls shook as it thundered through the castle.
In the backseat, Phoenix Wright was holding on with both hands, trying to stop himself from bouncing so much. "Seriously, we don't have to destroy- we could be more GENTLE!!" his voice became a high shriek as the tank crashed through the back wall of the throne room.
The tank exploded out of the back of the castle like a tank exploding out of the back of a castle. It was a very, very specific explosion. Parts of the castle crumpled in on itself, walls collapsing even further as the tank weakened already-weak foundations.
It rolled through the courtyard like a fast bulldozer with a cannon attached to it, so, basically a tank. Again, the image of a tank is kind of iconic all its own. Even "bulldozer with a cannon attached to it" is trumped by just saying tank. It's a tank, it dominates, that's what it does. Essentially, tank is frank.
Rainbow Dash and Daring Do lifted the fountain in the center of the courtyard as the tank came rolling through. Finally, it reached the castle keep.
"Dan, that's a wall," Phoenix said, pointing out of the slot ahead of them to the wall in front of them. The keep had an additional wall with entrances to either side for protection, the chamber inside. None of them were tank-sized.
"I know, Nicky. Watch this."
"Watch it? We're about to FEEL IT!"
The tank's wheels bashed against the wall but didn't go through it. The tank bounced off of it, but Dan kept the hammer down and the tank slammed into it again. The second time, the front wheels' treads dug into the wall itself and slowly began to carry the tank up the slope. The tank climbed the wall.
"Haha! How's that for traction!? I love this tank, Nicky!"
"I want separate everything next time!"
"NO!"
Finally, the tank crashed through the doors to the chamber of the elements. Rice was holding Twilight and Spike captive atop a stone column, levitating another column just above them in a threatening manner. But Dan needed no introduction to the situation; he fired the tank's main cannon the moment he came through.
The tank rounds destroyed Harmony's Mantle, the centerpiece in the room that held the original Elements of Harmony. It crumbled like it was made of old, dry ceramic, breaking into hollow chunks. Dan continued firing, destroying several of the other columns, hitting part of the wall, in fact the tank flipped over from the momentum of it crashing through the door. Twilight and Spike, under Twilight's shield, were hit once by one of the tank's shells. As the tank skidded to the back of the room on its side, still firing, everything except Rice had been hit at least twice.
The scientist hovered, dumbfounded. He watched as the tank spun, propelled by its own wheels, almost flailing while it fired. He shook his head.
"I understand why ponies put their faith in Tia. I understand why Tia put her faith in you. But one thing, that quite frankly amazes, positively confounds me beyond all reason," he turned to Twilight, "is why YOU put YOUR faith in HIM."
"Well," Twilight said, actually considering, "He... he hasn't threatened to nuke anyone. Yet."
Dan popped out of the hatch and chucked a tank shell at Rice. "I WILL NUKE YOU AND THE CRATER IT LEAVES BEHIND AFTER I NUKE YOU!!!" The tank shell exploded meters under Rice.
Rice turned back to Twilight. He said nothing.
But Twilight was resolute on her Dan-stance. "Dan is our friend, chancellor. You've never wanted to be friends- you just want to be a ruler."
Rice grinned. "Dear Princess Twilight... I am a ruler." The column raised high above their heads. "And I did want to be friends. We were friends. But now, I don't want your friendship. I just want revenge."
Twilight raised her hooves above her head. The column came crashing down on her and Spike, breaking their shield. It smashed into the column below them.
The sight of Twilight and Spike being crushed broke Dan. It drove him beyond anger into a blood fury, a rage that couldn't be expressed. So much so he abandoned planning and even cut his own shout short, breaking into a full run at Rice. He made no noise, his lungs using every ounce of energy to suck in more air and push him harder and faster. And it wasn't hard or fast enough.
Rice held up a hand and Dan stopped dead in his tracks. Dan was almost too furious to notice and far past the point of caring. Rice levitated him a foot off the ground, holding his wrists and ankles in place with magic, forcing him to hang helplessly.
"I want to thank you," Rice said, pulling Dan closer to him. He grinned only slightly. "You were right about me, Dan. Right this whole time. It is about revenge. This entire time... it was always revenge."
"I'm going to rip off your limbs. I'm going to rip off your limbs and strangle you with them," Dan said through gritted teeth. Dark blue-purple rings of energy held him in place.
"But it's also about the future," Rice continued. He brushed Dan's cheek with his gauntlet in a sick, sadistic way. He'd gone up a villain tier. So what had Dan gone up? "We're a lot alike. And I found out something- the Director was never going to let me build my utopia in the first place. The kingdom I always wanted... it was never meant to be. She was waiting for me to launch the Sword Spells. They would have redirected and impacted Equestria. The devastation would have been total. Even then, there are those on Earth that know about us. Retaliation is inevitable."
"I tried to tell you that. WE tried to tell you that," Dan said. Rice denied him the use of his jaw so he couldn't bite him, but he could still speak through his teeth. "There's no way you're gonna win. Everyone is against you."
Rice smiled brighter. "I know. Just like you, right? One man against the world."
Dan locked eyes with him. "It's NEVER BEEN about. Just. Me. And that's what you'll NEVER understand."
"You referring to your friends sneaking up on me?" Rice glanced over his shoulder. He reached out with his hand just in time to catch Captain America's shield, flip it up on its side and use it to deflect shots from Redfield's sniper rifle and Khan's phaser.
The shield absorbed hit after hit. "Valiant effort, as always. If only effort mattered." He flipped the shield again so the disc surface faced outward. The shots that would have been deflected now reflected back at Cap, Chris and Khan, forcing them to take cover. The beam of Khan's phaser scorched the stone just above the three mens' heads.
At the same time, Springer, Lightning Claw and Spinner on the opposite side unleashed with their own weaponry. Green plasma, red lasers and Lightning's own blue lightning cascaded downward in a lethal barrage. Rice turned to them and spun the disc in their direction. Cap's shield cut through plasma, laser and lightning all at the same time to clunk the trio of formerly-treacherous ponies in their noggins.
"Is that it? No, of course it isn't. It never is with you people, is it?"
"HEY!" Gust yelled from up above. "Who in the hell are you calling 'you people'? I'll have you know I'm a chicken sandwich, Mister Executive Broducer! Right, Danny?"
Dan glared at him and just slowly shook his head, disapprovingly. Gust grinned and gave him a talons-up, because he's a dumbass.
"We've gone from the loyalists to the traitors to the fools, I see," Rice said. "Then again, you're all fools."
Gust grinned. "Yeah, well this fool also happens to be a pretty good thief." He pulled out an object. "And I got your cell phone, Spice Dip."
"Where did... oh..." Rice's smile faded into a shock of disbelief. He reached for his pocket and discovered that Gust had indeed pickpocketed him.
"HAHA! Way to go, nuggets!" Dan cheered. "Free me so I can pummel him!"
"You got it, brogadier general!" Gust pointed the device at Dan and pressed a button. "Now you're gonna-AAAARRRHH!" The device tazed him.
Rice then looked up to see the other griffons, pegasi and any other side characters we may have yet to mention arrayed above the destroyed ceiling, waiting to descend upon him. He spread his hands out and grabbed them all from their high perches or where they hovered, brought them down to the floor and forced them to bow. All those who had stood against Rice in the past we referenced from Aegis Ally to Zen Zeal, he brought them down and forced them to the ground.
"Haha... yes, that's finally everyone, isn't it? Thank you, all of you for finally giving me your undivided attention," Rice said.
Spinner looked around, the side of her face mashed against the floor. "This is really everybody? Feels like there should be more at this point."
"Oh yes. How could I forget?" Rice snapped his fingers and up from the ground teleported Blast Fuse, Blast Powder, Firedance and Discord. The fire pony was about to light a bomb the two sisters and Discord had just made.
"Drat," Blast Fuse said. "Can you give us just another minute? Please?"
"I'm sorry my dear," Rice replied. "There's no time left for games."
"Thppp-thppp thppp-thppp!" That's what you think! Fluffle Puff and Marksaline leaped at Rice with their only weapon of choice- the Fun Cave. Intending to use it as a prison cage, they rushed Rice with the pillowy pocket dimension only to have him dodge the three mares and pluck the Fun Cave from their hooves. The two continued tumbling past him in a cartoony fashion until they hit the far wall.
"Actually, I needed this." Rice reached into the giant, oversized pile of pillows and pulled out a small statue. "As they say, there's always Peng." He unscrewed the top of the statue and discarded it and the Fun Cave. Underneath it was a miniaturized marker that Marksaline had been keeping.
"Even in their raw form, the Sword Spells are undeniably powerful," Rice said, looking at the object. He took the Blasties' bomb and attached it to the Sword Spell, making it look oddly like a bomb with an evil horn on it. "But to just explode this and kill you all would be... well, Dan? Why don't you kill people when you exact revenge upon them?"
Dan scowled at him for a moment, even though his face was already stuck that way. "Death is a mercy. You don't deserve mercy."
"Precisely," Rice nodded. "When I lost my son... I lived for a thousand years with the pain. A thousand years unable to forget nor forgive nor accept the pain. Rice Puddinghead truly is just a shell of what once was and could have been. He died along with this nation of Equestria, half-covered by a lie to let the labored beast of kingdom limp onward another day. So when you threaten me, it really is a worthless gesture. You might as well be beating a dead horse."
"Lame!" Lightning Claw yelled.
"But accurate. And I have been beaten. Like you Dan, I keep coming back. Which is why there's no reason to try and kill you." He walked over to where Twilight Sparkle lay and picked her up. "Not on its own." A shield encompassed both him and Twilight. The bomb in the center of the room activated.
"LEAVE TWILIGHT ALONE!" Dan shouted. "She's never done anything to you- your vendetta is with me!"
Rice only looked at Twilight. "My vendetta is only with Twilight. Only with Tia... with precious little Lulu. And all the others who set idly by and let what happened to me happen. They knew about it. They knew about it the entire time."
"OBJECTION!" Phoenix shouted. "Twilight wasn't around back in your time, Rice!"
"Of course she wasn't," Rice said. He shook Twilight's body... and it turned into Chrys. "But Chrysalis was."
That was when the real Twilight and her friends crashed through the door with the Elements of Harmony. They fired at him. But of course, even they knew they were one element short. Rice absorbed the beams of harmony's might, making no effort to dodge or mitigate the damage. When the energy display was finished, surprisingly, he was encased in stone. But not his head.
"It was worth a shot," Twilight commented.
Applejack patted her friend on the shoulder, slowly followed by Rainbow, Fluttershy and Pinkie. "If Rarity were here, she'd tell ya to keep your chin up, Twi."
And then the Cutie Mark Crusaders plus the Magic Gears and Daring Do came crashing through with Trixie and Flim and Flam riding one of their contraptions. They destroyed what was left of the entrance. But Rice just stared at them.
"The Great and POWERFUL Trixie... does not know what to do next. To be honest, I'm actually somewhat surprised we got this far. Go figure," Trixie said, breaking character only momentarily.
Finally, Vinyl Scratch and Octavia smashed through the windows. And into each other.
"Hey, this place would make a good location for a WubWay," Vinyl said.
"We wouldn't have to keep paying for roof repairs," Tavi added.
"ALRIGHT, ENOUGH," Rice clapped his hands together. The new additions clamped against the walls in whatever space was left. "Is that absolutely everyone now? This is getting tiresome even for me." Granny Smith came in riding Big Macintosh and rode right past Rice.
"Okay. Fine, we're just going to have to make sure every single pony slash person is here before I murder all of you," Rice announced. "Nobody move, this shouldn't take long."
12 hours later
"Sup fam, Dustchu here and if you're just now joining us, Vice Grip or whatever has captured us all and is threatening to kill us with a bomb. We're completely helpless, all seems lost and we're all probably gonna die. How was that, Barro? Do I get the job?"
Barro frowned. "We'll call you."
"Oh, shut up Barro," Michael said.
Rice, twitching angrily, returned to the center of the room. "AND THAT'S ALL OF THE FOODIMALS AND FLUTTERSHY'S PETS. Now, does ANYBODY have any last objections to me killing you all?"
Dan stared at Gary Busey. "How the hell did this guy even get here?"
Rice nodded in a psychotic-aggressive manner. "Right. Right, I don't even know why I bother. Killing you all now, say hello to Cleo for me. Best regards, losers." He picked up the bomb, turned on the switch and projected a shield around himself. The timer counted down from ten.
All around the room, from all walks of life and all forms of relationship to Dan, Twilight and the others, they all watched the red numbers as they counted down to zero. All were silent. A few held each others hooves, those that could reach, a few averted their eyes. Some wish they'd brought popcorn but those that actually had did not eat.
The time counted down one second at a time. But when it got to one, a muffin landed on it.
The bomb sputtered and shut off, like a digital alarm clock being suddenly disconnected from a wall socket. In an almost slow-motion sense of fascination, Rice and his hostages stared at the bomb as it tumbled to the ground, splattered in down and broken pieces and the tiny Marker atop it snapped off, only to be eaten by Marksaline.
"Delicious."
Rice's mount hung half-open, his hands frozen as the sight of yet more stupidity ruining his plans dumbfounded him. He clicked his fingers, as if an answer was like a stream of water running across his metal palms. Finally, he managed to ask, "The f*squee*."
A muffin answered him by hitting him in the face. It splattered across his muzzle, obscuring his vision in dough, lemon and poppy seeds. Everyone else's eyes rose immediately to the sky. Out of the abyss above descended a single, glorious sight. A veritable angle with a blonde mane, gray coat and a flank adorned by bubbles. With a serene radiance, the graceful form of Equestria's most- okay, you don't need all this. It was Derpy.
"You..." Rice said, wiping muffin from his face. "The mailmare."
"DERPY! You saved us! You beautiful postal pegasus, I could just-" Dan was cut off as Rice's rocket-fist smashed into his jaw.
Rice reached out with his gauntlet and grabbed Derpy. The mare resisted, teeth gritted as she struggled against his magic-techno-kinetic grip, but he was stronger. He pulled her towards him.
"I remember you," Rice said, looking her in the eyes, at least one of them. "When I first talked to Dan in Cloudsdale... you were there, weren't you? Yes... yes, it all makes sense now."
"I'm pretty sure it doesn't, but you go on ahead and think that," Chrys said.
"You've known my plans from the beginning, haven't you?" He wrapped his hand around Derpy's neck. She struggled against him. "You knew what my plans were. You must've mailed everyone about me, told them not to trust me. Of course, even with my brilliance, I had to have some things written down. You're the reason everyone supports Dan and not me," Rice said, chuckling to himself. "Aren't you, Cleo?"
The room fell eerily silent. Dan, Twilight, Phoenix Wright, Chrys, all their friends, they suddenly felt a collective dull thud in their chest. The Chamber of Elements instantly became very, very cold, as if light had never touched its gray walls.
But then Derpy simply looked back at him, her derp eyes derped the opposite way and she said, "Wut." Which is technically a question but for the sake of the internet's culture is posed as a statement.
"Don't you get it? SHE'S the Director," Rice said. "It would all make sense."
"First, no it wouldn't and second, you're an idiot," Dan said.
"And third, LET US GO!" Twilight added.
"Fine," Rice said, turning his attention back to Derpy. "You're just another useless pony blinded by your precious princess's lies. What's one more added to the collection?" He grinned as she squeezed his hands in futility. Rice raised his free gauntlet and turned it into a fist. "But you did destroy my bomb. So now, I'm just going to have to kill you all with my bare hands. Let's start with yo-" A muffin hit his gauntlet.
Rice pinched his eyes shut. "Again, I ask, what in the fu-" a muffin hit his face. Followed by a cupcake. Rice followed its trajectory to look over to a pile of rubble by the entrance. "Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, why don't you come in? We do have plenty of room for all of-" A pie smacked him in the face, hard enough to almost knock him off balance.
"IT'S MY SISTERS!! Marble, Maud, Limestone, where have you guys been?!" Pinkie exclaimed.
Rice wiped the pie off his face. "Alright, I've had enough of the interlopers." He raised his gauntlets and plucked both the Pie sisters and the Cakes from their ambush points. "A worthy attempt, I must admit from both of you, but if you think either of you can beat me, you're sadly mis-" A donut hit his muzzle.
"Bake sale's on!" Pony Joe said, running behind one of the fallen columns.
"Bake sale!" "Bayke sayal!" A pair of ponies yelled.
"The hell is going on?!" Rice roared.
"Bake sale!" Thunderlane chucked a pastry at him. "Bake sale!" Cloud Chaser tossed a treat his way.
Derpy kicked off Rice and flew away. Another cake hit him in the face before he could reach out to grab her again.
"Bake Sale!" Cherry Jubilee threw a cherry tart at him. It smacked him in the air, covering the side of his face in delicious cherry filling.
"STOP ITTT!!" Rice shouted. The next three pastries- one thrown by Carrot Top, one thrown by Dew Drop and another by Honey Blossom were caught mid-air by Rice's levitation. "Alright, I've had about enough of this. The next pony to throw another baked good at me is going to-" Pinkie Pie tapped him on the shoulder. "WHAT?!" She pied him in the face.
"Technically, I didn't throw it at you," she said, squee-smiling.
Rice again wiped pie off his face. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STUCK HELPLESS TO THE WALL!"
"Sorry! Sorry, I'll go back to being helpless now, sorry."
"How did you get down?! Did anyone see her?!" Rice asked, looking around helplessly. "Did anyone see how she even got down in the first pla-" Another pie. "ARRRRRGGGH!"
"I had an extra pie," Pinkie said.
"AAAAAAHHHH!!" Rice yelled. "THAT DOES IT! The pink one dies first!"
"I thought he had Pinkie Pie's pinkie-ness figured out," Phoenix remarked.
"Nicky, I have known since day one that this guy has literally nothing figured out. I'm pretty sure he has a Magic Gear tie his metal shoes for him," Dan said.
"I thought they were slip-ons," Phoenix said.
"THEY ARE SLIP-ONS YOU LEGAL DOLT!" Rice shouted. Pie. Muffin. Bagel, bagel, scone, bagel, scone, pie, muffins. "OW! Hey, that last one had a rock in it! I'm serious now, I'll kill the next pony that-" Muffin muffin muffin scone, truck load of cookies. Finally, somepony hit him in the groin with a fudge-covered ham.
Chrys looked over at Fluffle Puff, proud of her daughter. "Thank you, Fluffle sweetie. I know that must've been hard for you, but thank you for donating to the cause."
"Thbbbb-pbbbbbbbbt ppbbbbb ppppttt." Fluffle nodded, determined. "Thppp-thppp thbbb-thbbb-thppp." We must all make sacrifices in these difficult times to defeat evil. The power of the ham was needed, but rest assured as surely as I am with you now, so too shall I have ham again. Why is she so obsessed with ham?
Hey Richard.
Oh, hey Morgan. I mean, 'Mister Freeman.'
Morgan's fine, Richard, you're doing a great job. Patrick and I just wanted to tell you that.
Oh, well... thanks, guys. I really appreciate that.
It's not a problem. You wanna throw random crap at Vice Grip now?
I'd be delighted.
Rice was then hit by a hail of spongecake and the Twinkie described in the first Ghostbusters movie.
"Are those the freaking narrators?! That last one wasn't even from anything they were in!" Rice's blood was reaching a boil. Ponies from all over, random ponies, ponies that had just been townsponies part of the generic static backdrop up until now, ponies just in the background that hadn't even really interacted with Dan and the others, they all threw random things at Rice Puddinghead.
"ENOUGH!!!!!" Rice threw up his hands and projected a shield over himself. The Chamber of the Elements exploded as the walls collapsed, but the binds holding the captives to the stone were still in place. The walls might have fell but Rice's spells did not.
"I am more powerful than all of you. Through the might of my science, I have understood all there is to this world, its components, what makes it up. I am beyond all of you pathetic fools and your magic," Rice ranted. He stood over Dan, Twilight and Chrys, Phoenix, Fluffle and Spike, arrayed around him like the Elements. "There is NOTHING you can do to stand against me. I have divined all yours and the princesses' magic down to the very element! You cannot defeat me, any of you!"
"There's one thing you'll never understand," Twilight said.
"You're an idiot!" Dan yelled.
"And what is that?"
"You're an idiot!"
"Or rather... one person," Twilight said. And she looked over at Dan. "You'll never understand friendship... because you don't have any friends!"
"HIM? You think HE'S the answer to all of this? He can't even go chasing after his own neighbor without help from one of you!" Rice said.
A catapult launched a pie into the air. The guns from Gust's airships, manned by griffons and other ponies all fired at Rice. And they fired cake. Despite being shielded, even catching a few of them mid-flight, some made it through and splashed against his shield. He threw up his hands in defense.
"YES! YES!" Dan shouted. "I have no idea what they're doing, but keep doing it!"
Magic of every kind had its limits. Sometimes, it disobeyed those limits and sometimes it didn't. Against the onslaught of desserts, the bakery barrage, the sweet assault, Rice's shields could not hold up. First he was covered in fudge and cream and berry filling, then the shield collapsed and he struggled to block more. Before long, the dough rose to cover his waist in creamy confection.
"This doesn't make any sense!!" Rice yelled in protest.
The binds around Dan, Twilight, Phoenix, Spike, Fluffle and Chrys- around all of them faded.
"YES! Nicky, everyone, come on!"
"Dan, where are you going?"
"Back to the tank! We have to get back in and shoot him before-" Dan slipped on an errant pie.
"WHY ARE ALL OF YOU DOING THIS??!!!" Rice roared. "WHY? What do you see in HIM?! What does HE possibly have that I don't? He represents EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING you stand for! HOW CAN YOU CHOOSE HIM OVER ME??!!"
Twilight smiled. "He's our friend."
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!"
She shrugged. "It doesn't have to."
"NOOOAAAUG-" And Rice was covered in goo. The rainstorm of baked goods covered the Chamber of Elements, flooded most of the courtyard and swamped the entire grounds until the Castle of Two Sisters looked weirdly like a sundae.
"Heh," Phoenix said, putting his hands on his hips. "Now that's what I call sweet revenge." He looked around, expecting an immediate rebuke from Dan. "Dan? Did you catch what I just said?"
"NICKY! GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME DIG!!" Atop the fudge, cream and dough pile, Dan was digging through it.
Twilight and Spike walked up to him. "Dan, what are you doing?"
"HELP ME DIG! I want to see the body!"
"I can't believe it," Chrys said. "All this time... and all we had to do was throw cake at him. Could've saved a lot of trouble." Fluffle Puff and the foodimals beside her saluted the ham. Somewhere, the Princess of Ham smiled down, thankful for their admiration. Its sacrifice would not be forgotten.
"Are we sure it's over?" Spike asked.
"It's never completely over," Twilight said. "But it is for now."
"I found it! I found him!!" Dan yelled. He pulled out a muffinized statue of Rice Puddinghead. "HE'S DEAD! HE'S FINALLY DEAD!!"
"Wow," Phoenix inspected the figure. "He's really dead."
"We did it! We did it! I did it!!" Dan exclaimed. Ponies cheered all around him.
"Good job, Dan," Twilight said, more relaxed than others. Honestly, she was just happy it was finally over.
"Rice is actually did," Chrys said.
"Thppp-thppp-thppp." And good riddance.
"HAHAHA! HAHAHA!"
Phoenix awkwardly smirked. "Okay, Dan, that's enough. Let's put the body down-"
"NO! I have to make sure!" Dan karate-chopped Rice's head off. "YES! He's dead! He's dead, he's dead, he's actually finally dead! Look at it!!"
"Alright, we can all see that now."
Dan bit into the headless muffin body of Rice, tearing chunks of it off and eating them aggressively in his mouth. Like an animal, he got bits of the former villain all over himself. "This... this is the happiest day of my life!"
It was crazy, but they all partly understood where he was coming from. Twilight and Phoenix and all Dan's friends gathered around him to hug him tight as he simultaneously wept and ate pieces of Rice.
And that was when Dustchu, our newest reporter(he got the job) came up to Dan with a microphone. "Well Dan, you beat the bad guy, saved Earth and Equestria from certain doom and you've saved all your friends. What are you going to do next?"
Dan grinned maniacally and said, "I'm going to Dansneyland!"
"I don't think there is such a place, Dan."
"THERE WILL BE SOON!"
And thus, began the exaggerated victory montage of Dan taking all his friends and the decapitated muffin-encrusted body of Rice on various rollercoasters, water slides and on that weird high spinning ride that always has an absurdly long line and isn't even really that exciting. They took pictures, Phoenix threw up, Dan even bought a new shirt that looked exactly like the same shirt he was already wearing except the word JERK was gold.
Eventually, Dan wrote the book How I Beat Vice Grip, Saved the World and Am Awesome. It went on to become a bestseller and was made into a movie, also written by Dan, in which he played himself. The part of Vice/Rice was played by Christoph Waltz. The part of Phoenix Wright was played by Will Powers.
"Why am I not playing myself?" Phoenix asked.
"Nicky, I'm sorry but... I've seen you act. And you can't."
"..."
The movie was so amazingly-well liked that it was nominated for every Academy Award ever awarded, plus all the previous awards ever awarded.
"And the Danny goes to... well, you already know where we're going with this. The award for Greatest Thing in the History of Ever goes to Dan for How I Beat Vice Grip, Saved the World and Am Awesome."
A surprised Dan sprung to his feet amid thunderous applause. Sporting a tuxedo emblazoned with the word JERK on the front in glitter, he hugged Chrys, Fluffle and Twilight at his side and gave Phoenix and Gust a bro-hug each. Ponies and actors we could afford to reference all stood and applauded Dan as he took to the stage and took the microphone from Barro.
"Thank you, oh thank you all, I hate you. I hate you all so much. I hate you, and I hate you, and I don't even know you guys in the back but I hate you very much. I hate your faces, I hate the way you're clapping for me right now. Yes, the clapping, I hate that, I really do. No, don't stop. I hate you, I just hate you all so much, thank you. You really, really love me and it means so very little to me but you're going to give me so much free stuff and I'm going to enjoy rubbing this in all your faces forever. Thank you," Dan said.
He pulled out a list that unfurled to the floor. "I'd like to thank everyone who made this possible. Me, of course. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me again. Me. Naturally, me. Now, the next people I want to thank are also all me- but *wrap-up music plays* No no no no, there's still so many people I have to thank! And they're all me! Yes, me! I'm responsible for all of this, It's me! I hate you all and I love you! I mean, me! I love me! Thank you!" He was dragged off the stage by Cap and Chris.
But in the back of the auditorium was someone who glared at him. Someone he didn't notice, that no one noticed or recognized.
Finally, Dan celebrated his victory in the Fun Cave with the love of his life. No, not himself, this time. Chrys.
"I love you so much, Chrys."
"I love you too, Dan," she said back, smiling. She then frowned when she noticed something. "Is that Rice's body?"
"Honey, I just want to try something."
"Get it out of the cave."
"It'll just take a minute-"
"Out. GET IT OUT."
And with that, they finally ended their vacation and set up to rebuilding Ponyville and Equestria with a lot more golden statues of Dan and monuments to his glory. Dan and all his friends lived happily ever after, the end.
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship, Dan and the gang are reveling in their glorious victory. Peace and prosperity return to Equestria, and all is-
"FOOOLS!!!" Rice vaporized the pile of fudge and dough. "Did any of you actually think you had a chance against me?!!" He shot beams from his fingers, red lasers that arced in and around buildings. They launched from his tips and exploded all around the Castle of the Two Sisters. In an instant, the entire castle was destroyed.
"All of you worthless pathetic ingrates!" He fired more. Beams exploded, blasting earth ponies and unicorns. Pegasi were shot from the sky and their clouds were ripped to pieces.
"He's alive!" Dan exclaimed. "Then what is..." He looked at the dough-encrusted form of Rice. It had been nothing but a dough-encrusted dummy.
Rice appeared behind Dan. "Do I have to remind you that I can teleport?" He pushed his palm against Dan's chest and the human shot backward through the air. He crashed through the rubble of the castle entrance and landed next to the Golden Oaks Library.
"Get the cake again! Load the cannons!" Dan yelled, getting up. The griffons did load their guns and fired at Rice, but he deftly dodged every shot with blinding speed.
"You never stood a chance." He vaporized all of the guns. Dan activated the library's defenses, but one by one, Rice vaporized them as well.
"Dan! Duck!" Phoenix came down the hill in the tank with Twilight, Spike, Chrys and Fluffle. They fired at Rice but of course, their shots had no effect. He held up a hand and the rounds just exploded off his shield. Rice returned fire, shooting a beam underneath the tank that took it up off its chassis. All five of Dan's core friends fell out of the tank as it tumbled to a stop by the library.
Rice walked up to them. "This used to be my house. This used to be my world. It was never yours," he told them. "You've only been living on the foundation of the false future built by the lie that buried the past."
"I hate you," Dan said.
"This can still be your future too, Rice," Twilight said.
He smiled at her. "Let me show you my idea of the future." He raised his hand at her. But instead of pointing, he simply snapped his fingers. And they were gone.
All the ponies, griffons, humans, they all disappeared. All their cakes and goodies and tanks and toys, all their weapons and ships and what they brought with them, it all disappeared. The Plasma Frigate vanished from the pond, the airships vanished from the grounds, the tank and the Golden Oaks Library vanished in a flash. They were all gone. Rice was alone.
The world was silent. The wind didn't blow but a whisper, the trees did not shake but a budge. Darkness fell across Equestria as night crept across the land. It became very cold indeed.
"Ha... hahahaha... ahhh, finally," he said, breathing a sigh of relief. He snapped his fingers and a lounge chair appeared. He sat down in it, put his feet up and placed his hands behind his head. "Alone at last. Now THIS is my idea of a vacation. Hahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAH!!"
Nice time on Vice Vs. The Moronic Futility of Dan, everyone's favorite genius scientist finally reigns supreme as the star of the show and total ruler of Equestria.
"Oh no! We have been defeated by Rice Guy. All... All is lost."
"Woe is us."
Equestria finally embraces its destiny as Vice fulfills his ultimate dream: an Equestria under his total control!
"Whatever will we do now?"
"Gee, I don't know, Twilight. I guess we'll just give up."
In an episode that is totally not just the villain fulfilling his fantasy, Dan has been transported three months into the future where Rice's evil is law. I wonder where I've heard that before.
"I am no match for Rice and his undeniable... hey, I'm not reading any of this! THIS IS STILL MY SHOW! Hey, stop messing with the episode preview- we work hard on those!"
"Umm... can I object to this script?"
Next Saturday, the world you know is gone. Forever. Hahahaha!
"Wait, where's the next episode? HEY!"
"Dan, he's... oh no."
"HE DELETED THE NEXT EPISODE!"
"AAAAAHH!!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
It's my show now, suckers! Episode 19: Rad Rice: Beyond Blunderdome- Dan Vs. Fallout Equestria. Get ready for the beginning of my new order on Vice Vs. The Moronic Futility of Dan!!
"I hate you so much."
Only on VIMVicegrip.net.
"That site's not real!"
Ha!
Episode 19: Rad Rice: Beyond Blunderdome- Dan Vs. Fallout Equestria
Dr. Frasier Crane thought something seemed a bit off as he entered Cheers. It was a dreary winter day, seemed a bit colder than normal, like rain was on the way. Or maybe it was his pending divorce with Lilith. He pushed the thoughts and concern out of his mind, planning on ordering a drink that would keep them down for at least the rest of the day.
His shoes creaked across the floor as he descended the short, hallowed steps. "Sam? Woody? You there?" he asked. He just now noticed the lights in the bar were mostly off, only the lights from the back room were on, casting the room in an eerie shadow.
He leaned to look around the bar. "Sam? Rebecca?" No one answered. "Carla? Cliff? Anybody?"
Dr. Crane was a psychologist but more than that, he was a pragmatist. Viewing the situation, his first conclusion was that this was a surprise for someone. It wasn't his birthday, and why would they do that anyway? Well, why would they do that twice? In the same month. For the same two people. Yeah, Cheers was a bit silly. But something was off here.
"The door was open. Now, what is this?" he asked in his trademark tone of exasperation. He spun around. "Where is everybody?!"
The lights at the bar suddenly turned on. Sam Malone, retired baseball player and owner of Cheers, was rubbing the already-shiny bar counter with a cloth. "Oh, hey Fras."
"Sam! Oh, thank heavens," Frasier said, hand over his chest. "For a moment, I thought the place had been robbed."
"Nah, it's fine. Power's acting weird. Siddown, lemme get ya a drink."
Frasier leaned over. "If you're trying to duck from Rebecca again, I can drink it quietly."
"It's alright, thanks," Sam batted away the offer. "She's a little tied up at the moment, she'll be along shortly." He brought out a bottle from under the counter and poured Frasier a shot of dark liquid.
"Oooh, the good stuff." He took the shot glass and examined it.
Sam smiled. "Ah Frasier, for you, the best stuff." He clinked the base of the bottle to Frasier's glass, a toast between buddies.
Frasier took a sip. "Mmm, sweet." He was about to ask what it was, when suddenly he felt like he tasted something else odd on his tongue. He was trying to decipher the rogue flavor when very quickly, he found he could not feel his face. Frasier's forehead suddenly felt very heavy, his eyeballs rolled up and the psychiatrist slumped forward and passed out. His glass spilled over and 'Sam' cleaned it with his rag, smiling. The lights in the bar turned off again.
When Frasier woke up, he found himself tied to one of the bar stools. Next to him, also bound to stools, were Norm, Cliffy, Rebecca, Sam, and everybody else from the show.
"What... what's going on?" He struggled against the restraints. "What is the meaning of this?!"
"Hey Fras." "Hey Frasier." "Heya, Dr. Crane." "Hey doc."
"Yes yes, hello, everyone can anyone tell me what it is we're doing here? And who in the hell did this TO us?"
"Well, hello to you too, Dr. Crane," Rice said. He appeared from the opposite side of the room twirling a remote. "I have to say, psychiatry isn't my preferred field of study but I'd love to compare notes with you. After I'm done experimenting on you."
"I... I've... uh..."
Lilith, Frasier's now ex-wife, sighed. "If you wanted to talk to a decent psychiatrist, I'd recommend someone other than Fras."
"Really, Lilith? Now?"
"Yeah guys, don't get me wrong," Cliffy said, "but I don't think a hostage situation is the best time for marriage counseling."
"Indeed, Cliff," Rice interjected. He grinned maniacally and rolled down a projector screen. "For I have something far more captivating for your enjoyment today." Giggling to himself, the fiendish scientist quickly set up a movie projector, coincidentally the same type as those from low-budget airline flights. The kind Dan could afford.
"Oh boy," Sam swallowed, "this isn't going to be like psychological torture, is it? Because if so, I'd like to be drunk first."
"You're not going to make us watch our own embarrassing home movies are you?" Cliffy asked.
"What? No," Rice said.
"Ah, good," Cliff said, momentarily relieved. "They're not your embarrassing home movies, are they?"
"Quiet!" Rice spun around. "No no no, my dear collection of famous sitcom characters. Today, your daily routines which oddly enough revolve around the same iconic lower-class, mediocre Boston tavern will take on a new purpose. You won't be casually discussing your problems and relating to each other in a friendly manner despite the rich dichotomy of your backgrounds, uniting each other through empathy and compassion to paint a vibrant and lasting picture of the human condition and friendship today. No, you're all going to be involved in my plans to get revenge on Dan by hijacking the intro to his show!!"
"Is marriage counseling still on the table?" Dr. Crane asked.
"And do we have to be sober for this?" Sam followed up.
"Hahaha, oh, Ted Danson," Rice said, ruffling the actor's hair. "You're far too likable a personality to be involved with something like this."
"I dunno, he was on Tim and Eric."
"Just relax," Rice said calmly, "and let me irritate an aggressive, sociopathic man whom none of you have even met."
"Is it Woody Harrelson?" Woody asked.
"Heheheh," Rice chuckled at the idiot. "And people wonder why this show was canceled." Rice turned back to the screen and switched on the projector.
As the show started, they all settled into position to watch against their will.
"Also," Frasier said, as if to continue the conversation they were about to have, or had already had, "I'm moving back to Seattle."
"Oh yeah, like that'll work out, Frasier," Lilith remarked.
Dr. Crane thought about that for a moment. "Hmm." He decided it wasn't a bad idea after all.
Equestria
"What? What is this? Where am I?!" Dan woke up. He hadn't remembered falling asleep, so why was he waking up? He remembered the battle, the Rice Grip, everyone around him and... the flash. Rice snapped his fingers and... then, there was nothing. Dan couldn't remember anything else.
He was at the bottom of a spiral staircase made of stone. In fact, everything around him was made of stone- he was in some kind of cellar or something. "Hello? TWILIGHT! CHRYS?!" He looked around for his friends. "NICKY?!?!" His voice echoed off the walls, but there was no answer.
Dan suddenly started shivering. It was cold, wherever he was. Too cold to stand around contemplating it. He climbed the staircase, heading up into the pale light filtering in from above.
When he reached the top, he realized where he was- the Chamber of the Elements. Almost all of the cake pile was gone; only scraps of old, dry pastries stained the corners of the room. Someone had rebuilt it, somehow, and added steel doors in front instead of the wooden ones.
Dan opened the door to the courtyard. The reason for the cold was evident all around him- it was snowing. Flakes of it descended softly and covered the ground and ruins. The temperature was freezing. What could have caused this? It was barely into fall when they'd arrived at the castle.
"H-hell-ooooooo?" Dan called out. No answer. The snow swallowed up the sound of his voice, only the light softness of the wind blew to break what would otherwise be a silent landscape. The sky was dark, snow was covering the trees and castle ruins. He couldn't tell whether it was day or night.
An aurora covered the sky, but it was more jagged than wavy. It seemed to twist, bend and fade, like it was unstable. Far above the aurora, other colors could be seen, but Dan did not look for very long as he trudged through the snow. He had to get somewhere warm and fast.
He entered the castle. The ceiling was gone and the floor was covered in snow, but even it looked like it had been rebuilt at least partly. Banners Dan didn't recognize hung in place of the others and a new throne was in the place the original two had been. Obviously it had been occupied recently, but by who? He didn't stick around to find out, walking quickly through the throne room and out the oddly-redone entrance.
Outside was more snow. The airships and camp that the ponies and griffons and Dan's other friends had set up was gone. However, there was something new- starships. The small fighter craft Barro preferred were scattered about the castle grounds. Y-Wings, at least three of them, all shot down. A fourth one was lodged high in the side of the castle's remaining wall. Not an unfamiliar sight; in fact, Dan strangely recalled a similar situation in the Mirror Universe. Except it had been the Mirror Sand Castle and it was surrounded by fire, not ice and snow.
"Is anybody here?!" Dan yelled as loud as he could. Again, no answer. The cold was starting to get to his voice and the snow was still falling, slowly. He had to get to some place warm.
Dan hustled to one of the downed Y-Wings. It was half-buried in the snow and on its side, the pilot had likely tried to evade when he was clipped on the belly. Dan looked into the cockpit. It was already pretty full of snow, indicating it had been there for a while, more than a few days. The canopy was gone and the pilot's chair was missing- whoever they were, they had ejected before the crash.
Cold was filling his body up to the middle of his chest. All the trees in the Everfree Forest had lost their leaves. Would this be his fate? Freeze to death alone? His lungs felt like ice. Teeth were chattering now, too cold to yell. He thought about trying to use the fuselage as shelter, but the metal was cold as ice. He was already starting to feel frostbite.
And then, he looked over and he saw it. Squinting into the distance, he saw the Golden Oaks Library right where they'd left it.
"Oh thank squeeing squee." He sprinted to the treehouse with all his might, with all the energy he had, with every happy thought in his heart carrying him.
He grabbed the door and the door handle, so thankful that it wasn't a mirage. He opened the door and entered, shut it behind him.
"Heh-hehh-heh... hellloooouhh?" Dan called. The treehouse was empty, though. All the lights were off. It was also cold in here, but thankfully, not quite freezing like it was outside. Quickly, he bundled himself up with extra clothes and blankets that he could find. The Golden Oaks was mysteriously exactly how they left it, but no power.
Fire. He needed a fire or something, something to warm up the house. The fireplace was empty, though but this was a library. He could burn the books... or, there was the security system. Even though parts of it were metal and other materials, the majority of it including the hatches were all wood and not actually part of the library itself.
It was a difficult decision, but he took apart the security system and burned it. The process took a couple hours. By that time, Dan took stock of what food and water he had, bundled himself up with some heavier clothes and tried to figure out what to do next.
No Twilight, no Spike, no Chrys. He looked up. The ceiling was bare of any Fluffle Puffs. He half-expected to see Phoenix or Gary Busey appear after he opened and shut a door twice, considering the possibility of randomness bringing one of his friends back to him. But there was no one.
Fortunately, Dan did have plenty of reading material. It just so happened one book detailed the construction of the Y-Wing and similar space fighters. Thank goodness Twilight and the others were that big of a bunch of nerds that they kept sci-fi material handy. Venturing out into the snow, Dan made several trips but stripped the crashed Y-Wings of anything salvageable and eventually, was able to jury-rig the emergency generator for the house. He had heat and light.
After his last trip, he found something followed him back through the snow.
"Huh?" He looked down. A rare land lobster sniffed at one of his shoes. It looked cold. "Well, hello there. What's wrong, little buddy? You cold?" He knelt down to it, posing the question. The lobster chittered and lightly tapped its claw to his shoe.
"Ah, you just want to get warm. Alright, come on in." He opened the door for the creature. "I guess I could go for boiled lobster if I ran out of food." The lobster stood in front of the open doorway. "I was joking." The lobster then scurried inside and Dan closed the door behind it.
"Alright, I guess you're probably hungry." Dan went to the kitchen and perused what was still good. Fortunately, being the planner he was, the Golden Oaks was incredibly well-stocked with canned food. The lobster situated itself on the couch. "What do you think? Chicken noodle?"
The lobster made no noise whatsoever.
"Yeah, that's a little bland to start out with. How about some mac'n chili?" Again, the lobster made absolutely no noise. "Yeah, me too. Let's heat it up," Dan said, smiling.
Dan curled up with a bowl of chili mac, a type of chili which included macaroni noodles, and wrapped himself in a blanket. He did the same for the lobster, which picked at the chili and somehow was able to eat some of it.
"I wonder what's on." Dan turned on the t.v. The droning beep of no broadcast filled the screen, accompanied by the colored bars and the words NO SIGNAL in the center. Flipping the channels showed the same result. "Looks like they're having problems, too," Dan said.
"Hmmm..." Dan thought. "I know!" He dusted off an old VCR and plugged it in. He popped in a VHS tape and sat down to watch a movie with his new friend. "There we go. That's just what we needed, right?" The lobster chittered. "I thought so, too."
They ate their chili and the lobster apparently was still a bit cold. It made its way across the couch and curled up in Dan's lap. He stroked it while watching a movie.
"I guess you need a name, don't you, little guy?" Dan said, looking down at his new friend. "I'm gonna call you... Missus Clicky. How's that sound?"
Click-click.
"Aw, thanks. It just came to me. Anyway, I'm Dan. It's nice to meet you, too."
Click-click.
That night, Dan fell asleep in his own bed with Missus Clicky, which was in fact a male lobster. What Dan did not know was that Missus Clicky's real name was actually Rudy, a rare Siberian burrowing sand lobster and Barro's pet. What it was doing there was anyone's guess.
The burrowing lobster was a sub-breed of land lobster separate from other Equestrian crusterrrans that shared nearly identical physiology to their sea-dwelling cousins on Earth. Burrowing lobsters lived in warrens near trees and dug holes near the bases of trees, eating excess roots. It was one of the reasons why trees in Equestria didn't get overgrown, as burrowing lobsters only at the excess roots, ensuring that the tree remained healthy but didn't get too big.
The Siberian burrowing sand lobster was native to the Equestrian Saberia, but was called Siberian because it was basically the same as eastern Russia. Uniquely adapted to colder climates, it was fortunate for Dan to meet Rudy/Missus Clicky, even though the temperature was a bit too cold even for him.
A couple days passed and Dan had found none of his other friends. With Missus Clicky, he sat down at the table in the kitchen and began formulating a new plan. The next day, he would put it into action.
Dan spent another three days coming up with a new plan. Without much else to do, he devoted most of his time and energy to coming up with the perfect plan to get his friends back, get revenge on Rice Grip and restore Equestria back to normal. For three days, he came up with different ideas, went through new and old tactics, tabulated his resources, risks and possible results and prepared for action. He had never worked harder on a plan before in his entire life.
With pencil and paper, he poured over data and sketched out simulations for traps. He read books about Equestrian lore, history and mythology while eating. He laughed with his plan, slept with his plan, got up in the morning and fed the plan a balanced breakfast, we did that time-lapse thing where he crumples a sheet of paper into a ball and tosses it at a waste bin, then transition fade to the same waste bin overflowing with paper balls. Dan cried with the plan, got down on his hands and knees and wept with it, he trained with the plan, never before had a man expressed a range of raw emotion towards a sheet of paper before.
And finally, he was done. Satisfied with his work, he gave the paper a firm nod.
"Okay Missus Clicky," he said, holding the paper up before the lobster, "what do you think?"
The plan consisted of the words GET HELP written in all caps. The lobster regarded the paper the way it regarded all things it could not eat and responded with *click-click.*
"What do you mean- 'not my best work?' How would you even know what my best work is- or any of it for that matter?"
*click-click.*
"...Touche. Alright, fine, I'll try to rework it. Maybe change a few things." Another three days later, Dan added an exclamation point and considered that to be sufficient progress. Once again, he showed the lobster.
"Well?"
Indiscernible reaction.*
"Okay, okay, if you're so clever, why don't you come up with a better plan?" Dan said, and shoved the paper into the lobster's face. The paper folded lightly over him, obscuring the lobster, which made no effort to stop from being covered by the sheet nor moved to remove it. "See if you can come up with something. I'll wait." Dan folded his arms.
*chittering lobster noises.*
After a few minutes, the lobster held up the paper in its claw. Dan snatched and examined it.
GET YOU NEED HELP!
"Oh ha-ha, very funny." The lobster made a circular motion with his claw, prompting Dan to flip over the paper.
No, seriously, you need serious psychological help. Lol
"That's it- I'm getting the melted butter out!" But before Dan could go boiling his only roommate and companionship, there was a knock at the library's front door. Someone else was alive! Dan was ecstatic with the thought before he realized that someone else was alive and they would probably annoy him at some point. Eh, the lobster was annoying enough, the little wiseacre. Even if he ever actually was the last man on Earth/Equestria, Dan knew the world would still find ways to annoy him, so not much of a point in that scenario.
Dan walked over to the door. "Who's there?"
"Um, this is the Golden Oaks Library, isn't it? Can I come in?" the person asked, voice a bit high from the cold. "It's freezing out here! Please!"
"All right, fine, I'm opening the door."
"Thank you!" Dan usually had a strict no-strangers policy and would have checked the person's identity with the security system... if he had not been using most of it to keep the house extra warm. He opened the door and the stranger burst in, leaping in from the cold, getting snow on the floor.
"You're welcome, you can warm up by the fire," Dan said, shutting the door. But the new arrival had already done just that and was using Dan's own blanket to curl up with. He was an Earth pony, a stallion and one Dan had actually met before.
"Hey, I recognize you. You're from town, aren't you? The owner of that clock store?"
"Oh, sorry, um, no no no no no. I'm someone far different, if you'll excuse the term."
"What term? 'Far?'"
The pony shook his head. "No, no, I'm sorry. Let me start again." He sprang up and extended his hoof. "Hello, I'm the Doctor."
"Doctor who?"
"Whooves, uh, actually. As the current situation might apply," he said, jostling. Who-ever he was, the Doctor was a somewhat jittery and energetic fellow with a sort-of David Tenant-y, Matt Smith-y-sounding voice. "And I have important news about your world. Specifically, that it ended."
"It... what, you mean Equestria?"
"Yes, that's the one."
"What do you mean 'it ended?!' WE'RE STILL ON IT!"
"Indoor voices, please."
"Who the *squee* are you and WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!! And..." he looked out the window, "WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?! WHERE IS EVERYPON!!!? I mean everyone."
"You don't have to be so loud, Dan!" the Doctor said, walking over to him. "We're the only ones here. And not just in the house, but on the planet. I'm terribly sorry but, the Equestria you knew is gone. All of it, whole thing, like ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-one-two percent done." He placed his hooves on Dan's back, Dan shook them off.
Dan pinched his brow. "Who ARE you?"
"I told you, Dan, I'm the Doctor. I help people. Like you. Usually when something like this happens. Which it has," the Doctor said.
Dan turned to face him. "So are you actually from Ponyville, then? You sound like some kinda lime."
"Lime? Lime... eh, yes, well, as long as you don't call me a pear. I hate pears, can't stand them. Nasty things."
"Can you speak slower please?"
The Doctor seemed to consider it for a moment. "Yes."
Dan took a seat on the couch. "So are you actually from Equestria or Trottingham? Crystal Empire, places where the other British ponies come from?"
"I'm from... well, that's a bit of a long story," the Doctor said, sitting next to Dan. The lobster seemed to like him as it jumped in his pony lap the first chance it got. "I'm sure you understand. Origin stories... tend to be long, complicated tales, that sort of thing."
"I fell out of a plane."
".....Well, obviously not all of them," the Doctor admitted. "I came here in the TARDIS. That stands for Time And Relative Distance In Space. It's like a big, happy, blue, timey-campy roadtrip box."
"Uh... huh..." Dan said, nodding slowly. "So what can you tell me about Equestria? What's happened? What's with the snow?"
"It tends to snow a lot when it's a blizzard. And it's been a blizzard in Equestria since Chancellor Rice Puddinghead took over. Daft git doesn't know a single thing about running his own kingdom," Dr. Whooves said. He stared at the floor. "I've seen more than my fair share of dimensions go all belly up because some... misguided fellow had to go and muck it up for everyone else."
"Should've figured he had something to do with this. What'd he do?"
The Doctor shrugged. "It's more of what he didn't do. Or what he refuses to do- take care of the kingdom. These storms didn't happen when the pegasi were here, because they made sure the winter was wrapped up every year. Now, the same snow clouds are just hanging overhead with no place to go. Snow stays on the ground, clouds prevent the sun from reaching it, it just piles up. Most of the country's buried."
"What happened to the ponies? Where's Twilight, Chrys, everyone else? What did he do with them?"
The Doctor sighed and leaned forward. "Now, that's the part you're not going to like. See, even without you here, he still couldn't do anything to get them to help or accept him as ruler."
"Ah... actually, I like that, yes. I'm happy to hear they wouldn't give that tyrannical science-moron what he wanted," Dan said. He started grinning giddily. "I taught them well! So he didn't really get what he wanted after beating me? He's depressed now despite getting what he thought he wanted, that sort of thing? Can I see him all sad and depressed on his throne or something?"
"Oh no, he's very happy after beating you. He devoted about three whole days just to gloat about how he defeated you, made fun of you, how you were the biggest idiot in Equestria-"
"Okay, I get the ide-"
"How incompetent and worthless you are, how you only survived through sheer dumb luck, how you and your girlfriend have B.O and that's the only reason she even cares about-" Dan grabbed his throat. "Okay-I'll stop nowgh!"
Dan's teeth were gritted. "Where are my friends, doc?"
"T-Tartarus! You're friends- most of them are in Tartarus! Galck!"
Dan released him. "Tartarus! Great, that's fantastic!" he said, genuinely thrilled by the idea. "Don't we have a portal to there lying around somewhere? We just open them up, bust them out and find a way to send Rice Dip there! Oh," he turned to the Doctor, "unless you're about to tell me it's not that easy."
"It's not that easy..."
"Called it."
The Doctor got off the floor, rubbing his neck. Dan was an aggressive person, even he accepted that. "The only ones who can open Tartarus are the princesses and the seers and they're all IN Tartarus. There's only one other group that knows how to access that realm and they're not exactly known for being helpful."
Dan folded his arms. "Not helpful pretty much describes everyone we've come in contact with, at first, anyway. So who are they? The Manticore tribes? Buffalo League? Big Rover's crime syndicate?"
"No," the Doctor said. "The Donquestrians. The kingdom of the donkeys and their prison in the Badlands."
"Oh... well, *squee.*"
Dan had a lot of time to read up on Equestria. Mostly on myths and magic, anything that might help them. There was a lot of stuff in Twilight's private collection about the Fausticorn and various myths and theories about her, the lost king and queen of Equestria and the ancient Enchanted Valley. Some were just story books and rumors, like the Golden Archive, a place where Equestria's greatest heroes were kept, Harmony's Rainbow, which could find any pony anywhere and the Failsafe, a device the Fausticorn supposedly made herself to protect Equestria. The only legend they knew was true was that of Tartarus.
Of note, Tartarus first appears in the legend of the Fausticorn's battles before she created the current Equestria. It's said she fought a powerful being called Abysma for years, dueling with her to see which was most powerful. Abysma, a powerful sorceress from another dimension, fought the Fausticorn with her own dark creations in an effort to create a universe of void beasts that she ruled. The Fausticorn used Abysma's own magic against her, defeated her and drained her of her magical powers and created Tartarus, a universe of punishment that she could rule.
Abysma's daughters, the twins Disma and Gizma, would later try to take revenge on the Fausticorn but would fail and also be imprisoned in the depths of Tartarus. The two twins tried to create a beast of their own so singularly powerful as to defeat the Faust, but ended up failing when she befriended it. Ever since, Cerberus has guarded the gates to Tartarus, as ordered by Faust herself.
Over time, other creatures would be imprisoned in Tartarus, some temporarily and others permanently. Starswirl the Bearded and Megan would banish the larger threats, like Tirek's deranged sister Vylatha, the mirage marauder of Saddle Arabia known as Beziege and the resurgent Smooze which would later have its name changed to Purple Smooze(or Smooze Classic) after Discord's discovery of the new, friendlier green Smooze.
The last prisoners of Tartarus were imprisoned shortly before Discord's takeover beginning with the traitorous Chaos Space Royal Guards, ponies that renounced their loyalty to the princesses, the warlord Kephess the Undying and Dovalla, the attempted emperor of dragons and rumored to be a survivor from the world of the Elder Scrolls.
Upon imprisonment of the great dragon Dovalla, the donkeys came to Equestria and asked for access to it. Other races like the zebras or griffons wanted shared control of the sun or moon, or their own share of Celestia and Luna's powers but the donkeys were only interested in Tartarus. The donkeys wanted to cast their own prisoners into Tartarus so they wouldn't have to deal with them, but Celestia ultimately denied them. Ever-stubborn, the donkeys continued to search for a way to open Tartarus. Eventually, they found it.
"The donkeys, huh? Well, it's not like they're actually Badlanders, even if they live next door to them," Dan remarked. Badlanders was the generic name for beings in the Badlands that didn't get along with any of the other tribes or nations. Mostly roughnecks, criminals and outcasts, they were either not important enough to imprison or too much trouble to capture or hunt down but just enough of a nuisance not to be allowed anywhere civilized. Ponies, zebras, donkeys, griffons, dogs- most races in Equestria were oddly enough equally represented in the menagerie of misfits that called the Badlands home.
"It's not exactly friendly territory and the donkeys aren't exactly friendly to us."
"Equestria's been trading with them for years, our economies support each other. Which makes it easy for us," Dan said. He knew the donkeys were stubborn and grumpy, but not stupid. Despite somewhat frosty diplomatic relations, the donkeys remained a firm trading partner to Equestria.
"And what will we trade them perse?" the Doctor asked. He looked at Missus Clicky. "I don't take it they like lobster."
*click-click.*
"Nah, there's something of theirs I kept for a really long time I think they'll be happy to have back. But uh, I kinda left that with another friend and we're going to have to find them," Dan said.
"That's good. That's very good, and I can help you get rid of the Rice Git."
Dan spun towards him. "You have a way to get rid of Rice Grip? How? TELL ME HOW."
"Yes, I have just the thing to stop his invincible-ness thing."
"Yes! Yes! Yes, what is it?"
"It's a powerful weapon," the Doctor continued.
"Yes yes yes yes! And?"
"And a very useful item, one I've used may times before."
"And you're going to give it to me to beat Rice with!"
"Yes!" the Doctor exclaimed. "Just as soon as we get it back."
"...What?"
"It's called the sonic screwdriver. Rice has it right now."
Dan and the Doctor dressed in double-layered winter clothes. Or, rather, just two layers of winter clothes. Dan even went the extra mile with two sets of snow-blind-proof goggles but wore the second pair with the goggle part wrapped around his knit cap.
"Rice has taken direct control of most of the cities," the Doctor explained. "Most of the citizens that weren't imprisoned are working on building things for him."
"To invade Earth, right?"
"Possibly. I'm not sure, to be honest," Whooves admitted. "Ever since he stopped he stopped gloating about defeating you-"
"Rrrrrrrrrggg..."
"THOUGHT he defeated you, gloating that he THOUGHT he defeated you," Whooves quickly clarified, "he's reorganized all of Equestria's industrial cities, stole materials from the Zebras, Saddle Arabians, Manticores and other races and then he's been building. Diamond Dogs control most of the cities, Rice just pops around to check in on things."
Dan zipped up a coat over his overcoat. "Sounds like him." He finished his winter gear outfit by putting on another one of his favorite black shirts with the word JERK on it so stretched the word couldn't be read from one side alone. "So if my friends are in Tartarus and the donkeys have a way to get there, then guess where we're going?"
"Yes, but-"
"Did you guess Tartarus?"
"I-"
"Good, because that's where we're going," Dan said, patting Whooves on the head.
The door was difficult to open as they exited from the library's kitchen. The snow was coming down hard, but didn't seem to be piling up much. To Dan, that was an indication the clouds above were Cloudsdale-created; the reclamation cycle was working overtime. Even with very little sunlight, the snow falling now was evaporating rapidly, part of Cloudsdale's weather programming. All the weather systems had been set to overload because of Plan X and even dispersed, the city's systems were functioning at full capacity as per instruction.
Unfortunately, it also made it clear there weren't any pegasi left to shut it off.
"I don't think we're going to be flying anywhere, Doctor. How did you find me?"
"Oh, I knew where you were the whole time!" Doctor Whooves said cheerfully. "I actually just came back from vacation last month when I found out you were all gone. I TRIED to reason with Mr. Rice Head, and when that didn't work I thought about apprehending him, but... he tricked me."
"Yeah, he does that. A lot."
"Yes, well, he used a hologram. SEVERAL holograms, and... he somehow snatched my sonic screwdriver," Whooves said.
"You're sure you can't get a new one at a hardware store somewhere?" Dan asked.
The Doctor shook his head. "There's not many stores on this planet that can service the tools of a Time Lord, unfortunately."
Dan shrugged. "I dunno, Pone Depot usually does a good job."
"I'll have to keep that in mind. Where are we going?"
"We need to get to Donquestria, fastest way to do that is by rail. Rice took over Ponyville before and the only thing he didn't mess with was the railroad, I'm guessing it's important to him. We find the rails, we find a train or something that can carry us south," Dan explained.
"Ah yes, taking the Met to save the universe. Classic."
"Uh huh. Keep it moving, Doctor."
"Right."
They followed a compass to reach Ponyville. But, when they reached the end of the Everfree Forest and the outskirts of the town, they realized they didn't need it. When Dan had left Ponyville, it had been a giant pile of snowy, icy rubble and he'd expected to find something similar, or at the very least a bigger pile of snowy, icy rubble. Instead, he was surprised to find the town site had been cleared. Of snow, of ice and of rubble, and something else had been built in its place.
"Is that... Sainsbury's?"
Dan squinted. In the distance was indeed a building of some kind, square and flat-topped with big glass windows lining the walls around it. Above the entrance were bright orange letters that read Sainsbury's.
British Supermarket Chain Sainsbury's Mostly Convenient
"The hell is Sainsbury's?"
"It's a store. Like a supermarket- they sell groceries, supplies and the like. Might be able to get some information there."
"Information on what, exactly? What Rice Rip's favorite cereal is?" Dan asked aggressively. Like Dan, Rice/Vice did not have a favorite particular cereal and usually bought the variety pack just to change it up now and then.
"No! Well, maybe. But we could pick up a train schedule. Maybe, if it's a good enough Sainsbury's, we could even buy a train!" the Doctor said.
Dan frowned, but then eased. "Right. Fine, it's no Pone Depot but I'll give it a shot."
"What's Pone Depot?"
"You have given me the expressed right to hate you now."
Dan and Doctor walked across the frozen river into where Ponyville was. The area the town had been in was completely devoid of most snow except for a few wayward piles. The train tracks that went around the town were still there, a good sign, and the foundations of some of the buildings that had been there, including the Power Plant and Bowling Alley were still there.
But the rest of the town was still gone. Dan recognized some of the road as he walked down it- Carpenter Street, part of the mercantile district. The Sainsbury's was near the ruined foundation of Sugar Cube Corner at the northern end of town. Dan passed it, his head making an involuntary glance at where the time-honored treat shop had been. His heart felt a pang of regret for Pinkie and the Cakes. Their legacy had been reduced to about four intact cinder blocks and a half-broken wooden frame.
They approached the wayward supermarket. "Hey, what's that?" Around the building was another building, also well-lit for some reason. "Is that... is that another supermarket?"
The Doctor squinted. "Ah... that would be... a Tesco."
Evil British Supermarket Chain Tesco Mostly Convenient
"Is that ANOTHER limey store?"
"Limey? Oh. Well, sort-of. This area was recognized as a colony of England some time ago," the Doctor explained. "About the same time you left, actually. And where England goes, Sainsbury's is sure to follow."
"So what's the other one for?!"
"Well, Tescos stalk Sainsbury's. The hunt them. Like they did Morrison's."
Dan glared at him. "Well, since they ARE on Equestrian sovereign territory and as I AM captain of the Royal Guard... or what's left of it, I MAY decide to burn it down, BOTH of them, if I don't like them."
The Doctor winced. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"And YOU are helping me, Whoovsey. Move!" They entered the Sainsbury's first.
"Huh," Dan remarked.
"Well? Not a bad place, right?"
"I've... seen worse. Okay, the Sainsbury's can stay," Dan decided.
"Right, see? Affordability and accessibility aren't exclusively American!"
Dan glared at him again. "Yes, but you do realize we're on another planet, right? That's not lost on you, is it?"
The Doctor shook his hoof at the notion. "Oh, this planet, that planet, they're all basically the same. Meaning they usually have the same basics. Basically. Usually. Usually basically."
"Can you PLEASE stop talking like that?"
"I CAN TALK LIKE THIS IF YOU WANT ME TO."
"I swear I am going to DESTROY the BBC if I have to deal with this for the rest of the episode," Dan declared. He stormed into the Tesco with the Doctor following closely behind.
Dan and the Doctor stepped into the well-lit Tesco, their eyes taking a moment to adjust to the fluorescent lighting. The air conditioning made it cool and comfortable, not as cold as it was outside. The two adjusted their winter clothing but did not remove it.
"So what do you wanna do? Ask customer service?"
The Doctor nodded. "More or less. They should be close by."
"You both look dreadful."
"What?" "Hey!" They both turned to face a new face. Or rather, a masked face.
"Where have you two been?" The voice sounded mechanically distorted, but there was no indication of how. The mask itself and the individual wearing it were actually both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
"Well, we just got here. I'm the Doctor and he-"
"What's it to you?" Dan asked. He looked over the stranger. "What're you supposed to be?"
"Security," the pony answered, still distorted.
Dan looked them over again. "Is that what that get-up is supposed to be? Wait... where did you get that?"
Enigmatic Good Samaritan The Mysterious Mare Do Well ?
It was Mare Do Well, or at least a pony wearing a Mare Do Well costume. At least four ponies were known to have worn said costume, but it had been retired long ago. After Rarity had first made it, Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie all had used the guise of Mare Do Well to teach Rainbow Dash a valuable lesson about humility and modesty. Mare Do Well hadn't appeared since outside of the occasional Nightmare Night celebration.
However, this wasn't the same Mare Do Well outfit. It was winterized and the shoulders had been reinforced with extra armor pads. It looked like a cross between Mare Do Well and a football player.
This Mare Do Well was angry, however. "If you're here for the auction, you're already late. They've already started in the back of the store. What you want is there."
Dan huffed. "What we want is information-"
"What you want is in the back of the store," Mare Do Well said in a threatening voice. "Get moving. You don't have much time left."
"For what?" Dan asked. His mind was starting to piece it together, but not quite. "What're you saying? Are you- hey, quit pushing!"
"MOVE," the voice boomed. Mare Do Well shoved them both in the direction of the store's rear.
"Well, that was certainly rude."
"I take it that doesn't happen at every Tesco?" Dan asked.
Doctor shrugged. "Eh, maybe up north."
Dan had no idea what he meant by that, but he did know the difference between someone telling him what to do and someone just telling. Whoever Mare Do Well was, they clearly were trying to subtly direct them to some auction in the back of the store. The two decided to take the unspoken help and began making their way through the aisles. When Dan glanced over his shoulder back at the entrance, he expected to see Mare Do Well had vanished. But the strange pony was still standing there, supposedly guarding the entrance.
Both Dan and the Doctor had visited grocery stores in Equestria and grocery stores on Earth. From the moment they took notice of what this store carried, however, it was clear that this wasn't a store that belonged in either. It took them a moment to notice, as they traveled down an aisle anyone would immediately assume was for frozen food. Until they looked into the freezer cases, behind the see-through freezer doors to the contents beyond and realized they didn't contain food at all.
Well, not the kind food regularly sold in this universe. What this store sold was ponies.
"What in the actual hell?"
"They're frozen," the Doctor remarked, equally shocked. "But why?"
"Like... like t.v dinners! Really, really bad t.v dinners! So, like normal t.v dinners!" Dan exclaimed. He opened the nearest door and yanked one out. The frozen ponies were stacked back to back, hanging in frozen sheets of ice.
"Dan, be careful! We can't just go breaking them out of the ice- that could kill them!" The Doctor said. He grabbed the frozen ponesicle from Dan.
"You're the doctor, here, do something!"
"I'm trying, calm down," Doctor Whooves said. He looked the frozen occupant over. His mind raced, searching for the solution. Both his hearts pounded- he had two even though he was a pony, and his eyes scanned every detail they could. "She's still alive. I can't make out who it is, could be Blue Beacon or Uplift." The mare was light blue, and a lot of ponies had similar coats so it could be any of them. Her other features were blurry but could be made out.
"No, no," Dan looked over the frozen mare, "That's Colgate."
"You mean Minuette?"
"No, Minuette's a different mare."
"How do you know it's Colgate, then?" the Doctor asked. Dan pointed to something at the edge of the frozen frame, something else embedded in the ice. Just near her head was a toothbrush, toothpaste and floss. "Ah. I see."
"They froze her with her accessories," Dan remarked grimly. "This is a toy story." He flipped the frame and looked at the back. As he suspected, there were directions on defrosting 'Your new pony friend' on the back.
"Incredible," the Doctor said. Dan looked back at him and Whooves added, "Horrible... but incredible."
"Can you revive her?" Dan asked.
The Doctor looked at the directions. "Well, according to this, anyone over twelve can fully revive her, but it says ages ten and under should only do so with adult supervision."
"Great, so basically, anyone over twelve can own their own slave. How wonderfully disgusting," Dan scowled.
"Yes, but we'll need something called a carbonite transfer platform in order to complete the process and fully resuscitate her," the Doctor read. "Don't suppose you happen to know where one of those might be?"
"Not a clue."
"Unfortunate." The two men reluctantly returned the pony to the case with the others. She'd have to wait, as would they all for Dan and Doctor to find a way to revive them properly. Dan picked up the pace, fists now balled as they approached the rear of the store.
They passed down more aisles, some with freezers and some without, but all different levels of disturbing. One aisle was for zebras, another for earth ponies, Dan went down an empty one that was labeled "Humans" but did not find the form of anyone he knew. Either they hadn't stocked many humans or they'd all been sold, either way, it was a cause for more concern and a reason to move faster.
They arrived at the back of the store and Dan decided he hated it more.
"You promised us rares!" "We want the RARES! None of this gray-tier crap!"
"People, please," the auctioneer said, "the auction is almost finished so please, let us press on, shall we?" The crowd was mostly sitting in folding chairs or standing nearby, some had apparently purchased frozen ponies and other creatures from the auction. Some were human, some were other beings like yaks, minotaurs, even a few ponies and zebras. Badlanders. Race, creed, country, nothing mattered to them- they were the perfect example of total equality. Because they were out to make everyone but themselves equally miserable.
"That... greasy... yellow... slimeball," Dan said, watching as two ponies dragged another frozen pony onto the stage.
Writhe N. Payne stood at the podium, sweating as usual, holding the auctioneer's gavel. It was the only time a gavel would ever strike in his favor.
"Someone you know, I take it?"
"Unfortunately," Dan nodded once. "Mustard-colored moron tried to screw us over in the Crystal Empire. He's a crooked lawyer, works for Vice Grip. I don't think he recognizes me." Covered in layers of clothes, Dan did not exactly look like himself. "This isn't a grocery store. This is a black market."
"Now, let's continue," Writhe said. The next item was propped up behind him, another frozen pony. "You wanted rare, well how about royalty? Ladies and gentleman, one of our last items up for bid- an authentic princess of Equestria!" he announced. The crowd, some of which had still been murmuring complaints, fell silent.
Dan and Doctor Whooves leaned forward, but couldn't make out who it was.
"Recently captured by the esteemed Mr. Boba Fett himself, I give you Princes Mi Amore Cadenza!"
The crowd awed at the spectacle. Clearly, this was satisfying to some of them- they were here to collect rare ponies. Maybe rare everything.
The Badlands was an entirely lawless section south of Appleloosa and the Buffalo Plains. The trains and wagon trains didn't even travel through there; no one went there without important business. Bands of raiders, thieves, outlaws and other criminals roamed the area hunting and preying on anything they could find, including each other. Slavery was common; if you weren't strong enough or if you were unlucky, you were collared and put to the whip for the labor needed to maintain an outlaw camp.
Equestria had made no real attempts to civilize the Badlands. An expansive cave system stretched underneath the Badlands, supposedly a network of ancient changeling hives. There were crystals that absorbed magical spells, making it dangerous for even the princesses or high-level unicorns to travel. Of course, the thought occurred to many that Celestia or Luna could just vaporize the whole area, wipe it off the map, but that would undoubtedly endanger more innocents than guilty. And any lesser spells would just be absorbed.
Writhe N. Payne smirked. "I can tell I have your approval now. Let's start the bidding at five-thousand." "Five-thousand five-hundred!" "Six-thousand!" "Six and a quarter!" "I hear six and a quarter, can I get seven?" "Seven and a quarter!" "Eight thousand!" "Nine-thousand and one!" "Cute, but serious bids only, please. Can I have nine-thousand, five-hundred! Yes, thank you, there I have it. Ten-thousand, anyone?" "Ten-thousand bits!" "Ten-thousand bits, we have ten-thousand bits from the lady from Team Galactic, thank you Commander Mars. Can I hear a raise to ten and a quarter?"
"Three!" Dan shouted above all the others. It was enough to stun a few bidders.
"Three?" Writhe repeated. "Three... three million? Three... million... bits..." he began to salivate, used his sweat cloth to sponge up his drool.
"No," Dan said. "Three seconds." Everyone sitting and standing turned to face Dan and the Doctor. "As in, I'm giving you all three seconds to drop everything and get the buck out of here or the next thing you'll be buying is your own funerals."
The two-bit mustard-colored pony lawyer adjusted his glasses. "I'm sorry, but any disputes will have to be handled outside and... wait," he leaned forward, "Is that... yes, it's Dan, isn't it?"
"Indeed it is, you urine-colored law-lackey. Make it easy on yourself and give up because I really don't want to touch you," Dan said. "Even if it's to pummel you."
But Writhe was unphased by the threat. "Just the two of you, no army or warships? Not even Mr. Trite to back you up? Where is he anyway- is Phoenix having trouble rising this time?"
Dan twitched angrily at the mentioning of Phoenix. "One."
Writhe leaned on the podium. "Exactly what are you going to do alone, Dan? My clients are very well-equipped individuals, I think you can see." And they were. The Badlanders all had various weapons from hatchets, knives, crude swords to old Soviet Army tech clearly salvaged from the collection of Project Prosperity. They brandished their weapons and looked at Dan.
"Dan, perhaps we should reconsider. Discretion is the better part of valor, after all," the Doctor suggested.
Dan kept his eyes focused on Writhe. "Two."
"I have an idea," Writhe said, "How about we bid to see who goes after Dan? In fact, first one of you to clobber Dan and his bow-tied friend here gets ten percent off the next item up for bid when the auction closes. Should we start the bidding at eleven-thousand?"
"Three." A minotaur in a leather jacket, leather pants and a leather... scarf came after Dan first. Dan didn't even look at the tall, imposing figure towering over him; he grabbed a folding chair and smashed its legs into the taur's knees. When the taur bent over to grab them, Dan quickly followed up by smacking the larger horned creature in the face with the chair. Less than a second and the poor sap was on the floor.
The clientele leaped at Dan. Three thuggish stallions charged at him from the left, legs raised to sock him in the face. Dan dodged their initial lunge, stepped between the middle one and the one on his left and grabbed the middle one by the ears. Yanking hard, he spun the middle one and used the stallion's legs to sweep the legs out from under the one on the right and then headbutted the one on the left with the middle one's head. He smashed their noggins together a couple of times for good measure.
A griffon tried to swipe Dan with a chair from above, but Dan grabbed the third pony off the floor and substituted his head for his own. The chair smashed into the unlucky stallion's cranium, causing the metal to form an imprint of it in the seat. Dan then grabbed the griffon by the claw and whipped him so hard that a flurry of feathers flew off of him just in time to get in the eyes of some zebras that were coming after him with poison-tipped spears.
"You idiots! Go for his legs! Attack him from behind!" Writhe shouted.
Dan backed away from the zebras. The trio of dreadlock-wearing zebra thugs clearly heard Writhe because they swiped and stabbed at his legs. Dan leaped back, dodging, completely unarmed as they pushed him towards an aisle. But Dan saw an opening when the center zebra stabbed to low. Dan stepped on the spear and broke it, then grabbed the zebra by the mane and pulled him over.
"AAAHH!" The other zebras unintentionally stabbed their comrade in the rear. Dan reached for the broken spearhead, picked it off the floor and chucked it into the eye of one of them. He then ditched his cover by deftly pushing him on top of the third zebra trying to stab him.
"Seriously, you're at a black market auction and this is all you can afford?"
A yak attacked him with a scimitar.
"Ah, now that looks expensive," Dan remarked, looking at the sword. "Obviously, you didn't get it here."
"Stop insulting my auction!" Writhe yelled.
"Stop insulting my sword!" the yak yelled.
Dan grabbed a fallen chair and began fencing with the yak. "So where'd you get the sword? Yard sale, Pone Depot, Gorons?"
"I killed a tribal chief for this sword and slaughtered his entire tribe with it!" the yak yelled through gritted teeth.
Dan shrugged, fending off a sword blow. "That's a bit of overkill, honestly. You could've gotten these buy one, get one at Pone Depot. Save some money."
The yak raised the sword high. "I'll save money with your corpse!!" He brought the sword down at Dan's head.
And Dan very easily blocked it by simply raising the chair. Then, he kicked the nearly-defenseless yak in the face, leaving a shoe print on his muzzle. The bottom of Dan's shoes also had the word JERK printed on them and now it was printed on the yak's face. He dropped the sword and fell to the ground.
"You are not a smart shopper. And I am stealing your sword." Dan then turned to the rest of the black market goers. "Now, who else wants to make a deal?"
"Uhhhh..." "Errrr..." The rest of them slowly dropped their things and left. Bravery and loyalty were not common traits in the Badlands and not virtues that lasted long.
Dan then turned to Writhe. "Hello, mustard gas. Wanna start bidding for your life? Do I hear two-bits, can I get two-bits for the two-bit lowlife's life?"
"Eh, I'm broke anyway," the Doctor remarked.
"Um... ummm..." Writhe looked around. Dan strode through the carnage right up to him. The yellow pony swallowed and slowly backed away. "Ummm, this auction is over! All sales are final!" He turned and bolted.
And Dan gave chase. "Doctor, I'm going to need you to clean up here, okay?"
Doctor Whooves looked around at the beaten and dismembered thugs around him. "Yeah, no, that's- yeah, that's totally something I could do."
"Good. I'm going to go ask about the... return policy."
"Mmm... cliches. Tasty."
Dan ran after Writhe. The yellow pony galloped as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast allowing Dan to easily catch up, down one of the aisles and to the Employees Only section of the Tesco. Dan chased him through the flapping doors, hot on his trail.
The Doctor reached down to pick up one of the spears when a blaster bolt scorched the floor near his hoof. When he looked up, a familiar face was standing over him.
Dan chased Writhe into the restricted access area of the Tesco. He dashed through those weird flaps that hang between the doorways, the weird, clear separating flap-thingies. They usually seem completely pointless and right now, Dan didn't even have time to be annoyed by them. They were still flapping when Dan went through them, so that was still a good indication he was hot on Writhe's tail.
The employee's only area was just the same as it was with every other supermarket and every other Tesco. Except this one contained a lot more frozen captive bodies held in slabs of ice. Racks of them were stacked up to the ceiling from wall to wall. Dan spotted Writhe run between one of the rows of stacks, still nearby. The area smelled weird, not exactly unfamiliar- the scent of a loading and storage area but a bit weirder than he expected.
"Make this easy for yourself, Writhe!" Dan yelled. "Surrender now and I'll only pummel you... well, I'm still going to pummel you either way. Make this easier on ME and just come out so I can pummel you."
"Ennngh, eeehhh-"
Dan rolled his eyes. Apparently Writhe was going to be difficult. "You better be picking out a spot for yourself. And your friends."
He walked towards the stacks. The weird smell was getting stronger. They weren't alone- there were employees in this employee section. Uncommon, in Dan's experiences, but none of them tried to stop them. Apart from that, Dan didn't notice much about them, aside from the fact they were members of Team Rocket.
Dan approached one of them. "Hey."
"Hey."
"This place certainly has its own unique scent. You know where I can get a forklift?"
"I don't smell anything. Don't bother me now," the Rocket Grunt said. "I have to get these units loaded before my shift ends."
"Hey- I just asked where a forklift was. Do you have one or not?"
The grunt finally looked at Dan. "Oh, it's you. The supervisor wanted to talk to you."
"Oh?" Dan asked, surprised. "And where might I find him?"
The grunt turned back to his work. "They usually find you. And we don't have forklifts here- we use Magnetons and Magnezones. They're for-"
"Authorized personnel only, I get it. I have a friend with one anyway," Dan said. "So, you're not going to try to stop me?"
"There's no point. I'm busy," the grunt said.
"Ah," Dan said. "Well, how very kind of you. Tell Petrel and Vinny I said hello. And tell them to get some air freshener for this place."
"I'm sure they'll get right on that." The grunt went back to work and Dan left him. Dan actually had worked for Team Rocket back on Earth building part of a Game Corner and an island base. Like his time with the Umbrella Corporation, Dan left before they began most of their criminal activities. He was actually offered a position as a Rocket Grunt, but declined because the uniform was required.
Dan rounded the corner and looked up. For some reason, looking up high made him slightly dizzy. As he expected, Writhe N. Payne was climbing the racks of frozen ponies to the ceiling in an effort to ditch him. Not the worst escape plan Dan had ever seen, but one that was obviously poorly executed.
"PAYNE!"
"Hnnnnmmgg. Hehhhg. You're too late, Dan! You'll never catch me now."
Dan reached up, grabbed Payne's tail and yanked him down to the ground. "Uuglff!"
He kicked the pony onto his side. "Tell me how to unfreeze the ponies and maybe I'll just put you on ice instead of killing you."
"Why not just knock him out and deal with him later?"
Dan turned around. Another pony, a blue pegasus stallion approached from behind them. The strange smell from earlier was almost overpowering now.
"Maybe after I get some information out of him. And you are?" Dan asked.
"Salutations!" the pony said, he leaped to the ear and stretched out his hoof to shake Dan's hand. "My name is Tetran Cowall. You call me Cobalt for short, if you like."
Dan recoiled his hand. "Tedran? As in Ted? Who are you really? Are you with Payne?"
Cobalt shook his head. "No no no no, sir. It's TETran, Tetran Cowall. I'm... friends with a few of your friends from Cloudsdale."
Dan looked over the smiling pony. "Is that right? And why aren't you frozen along with the rest of them?"
"Oh, well," Cobalt leaned closer, "that would be because I made a very lucrative deal. One which you may want to consider."
Dan's quizzical gaze slowly became an intense glare. "You sold us out." He reached out and grabbed the pony around the neck, but the pegasus was just a split-second faster in that instant. He spun and twisted out of Dan's grip. Dan's limbs felt a little sluggish for some reason.
"Ah-ah! Now now, dear boy, we must all look out for our own interests, mustn't we?"
"You're a traitor!"
Hovering just out of Dan's reach, the pegasus gave a humble bow. "I prefer the term opportunist."
"I'll carve it on your tombstone, then. After I take you down. I take requests," Dan retorted.
The pegasus put his hooves on his hips. "And exactly how do you plan on doing that?"
Dan gestured around them. "I have a ready-made army just waiting for me to unleash them. An army that thinks I'm a hero. After I'm done with Payne here, I'll defrost my team and have my friends from Cloudsdale take care of you."
Cobalt smiled. "Ah, well, I wouldn't worry too much about that."
"Why's that?" All of a sudden, Dan's vision became incredibly dizzy. He was having trouble keeping balance. It was too much for him and finally, he tripped over Payne.
"That smell you noticed when you first arrived? It's a special type of gas and anyone without olfactory blockers like mine and the workers here will soon start to feel dizzy when they breathe it in," Cobalt explained. "Soon they'll start to feel sluggish and will finally lose consciousness," he said, just as Dan succumbed to the gas.
Cobalt landed next to Dan, grinning over him. "Nighty night, Dan." Members of Team Rocket slowly appeared around the two unconscious forms to drag them out of the warehouse.
Prosperity Mountains, Restricted Area Stable 5- Sublevel 5: Processing 3 months ago
"I didn't have to do this," Rice said, voice just loud enough that it echoed off the steel, underground walls. "After everything that's happened, I think you can understand why I wouldn't. But I did anyway. Because I keep my word."
The Director didn't seem to be paying attention to him. The cloaked creature was far too enamored with her 'prizes' that were finally in her possession. At this point, honestly, Rice had served his purpose so part of her wanted to just dispose of him. But he knew that, and she knew that he knew. Besides, the collection still wasn't quite complete.
"It's nice to know I can still be impressed. I can't explain to you how rewarding that feeling is," Cleo said. She caressed the flash-frozen form of Chrys, her expression still holding a mixture of defiance and confusion. So much like Dan. Many of them had similar appearances- evidence of his influence. "This isn't all of them."
"There are still more to process."
She turned to him. "And there's still more out there," she snapped.
Rice raised an eyebrow. He was in too much of a good mood to really be bothered. "Eeyup. So, lemme go get on that. You have fun with your new friends here." He walked backwards out of the room before she could say anything more.
In the next room was the main processing chamber. Treated water stolen from the sea ponies, wood and potions stolen from the zebras, containment technology from the griffons. Along with metal stolen from the donkeys, mostly leftover Cold War-era tanks and weapons, Rice's own Plan X had finally paid off. Yes, all the shenanigans about the griffons, zebras, sea ponies- all the stuff that had happened since Dan returned from the Crystal Empire had all been a part of another of Rice's plans. And it had worked.
Losing the vast majority of his own Magic Gears was a more serious blow than anyone realized. He needed time and resources to rebuild. Of course, letting the other races of Equestria pillage the planet when he conquered Earth had always been the plan, but things had to be shifted around after his defeat in the Crystal Empire. The Director had always wanted to create a new Equestria. Rice was not so shortsighted; he wanted to create something better.
A long series of conveyor belts rotated onward. On one end, ponies entered and at the other, they entered the processing machine which flash-froze them in special, magical ice, the kind of ice only sea ponies could create. This preserved them and prevented them from freezing to death, a crucial factor, and then the pink goo from earlier coated the frozen statue. The goo created a copy of everything that pony was- talent, memories, hopes, dreams, history, and duplicated it. This would be enough to fool the Director's own magic.
"You! You'll pay for this! I'll find a way, I swear it! I'll make you pay for this, Vice Grip!!!" Lightning yelled. The indigo pony had used his own magic to break his muzzle, but couldn't quite break through his restraints. Rice paid him no attention as the pony continued shouting obscenities at him up until he was finally frozen and copied.
He entered the next room where his dog soldiers monitored the processing. "Beagan!"
"Rice- my lord," he half-corrected himself. They both knew he was closer to him than formalities. "We are nearing thirty-percent capacity. Efficiency is at eighty-four percent capacity, but our supplies-"
Rice stepped forward and hugged him tight. "Beagan, it's just so good to see you." In truth, the dogs were the only thing even close to family Rice had left. "I've been away for a while, but this is it. We're almost ready."
"Yes," the brown dog rubbed his neck, "but milord, the supplies- we've exhausted almost the entire mirror pool."
He put his hand on the dog's shoulder. "We'll get more resources."
The dog seemed uncertain. "I don't see how, sire, the mines are bare and the stock of ore is-"
"Don't worry," Rice toold him. He petted the dog down the back of his head. "Everything will be taken care of. Relax. Take some time off if you like."
"Ye... yes, sir," the dog practically cooed. One of the reasons he liked dogs was that they were easy to control. He fed his top lieutenant a biscuit and then proceeded out the door.
He took an elevator up to his office. Dogs saluted him wherever they saw him. He hugged and fed more than a few of them a treat- he did love them. Loved them as he loved tools, but still loved them he did. Rice entered his office.
Barro and Michael were busy connecting wires to a pair of heavy studio cameras. Barro's news desk and green screen filled one side of the office where Rice's desk and terminal had been earlier. Rice could've just snapped his fingers and done everything himself, but he preferred to make the two meddlesome dipshits in front of him do it. It made him happy to see them suffer.
"Almost showtime, boys?"
"Yes," Barro said, making no attempt to hide his anger. "But you're not going to be able to use the projector everywhere. You'll have to know the target, you'll have to input it and-"
"That's fine, that's all fine," Rice waved away the broadcaster's advice. "I appreciate the work you two are doing. Really, I do. I hope you're both ready for your final performance on this planet," he said with a coy grin.
Barro and Michael both exchanged a long look. Neither of them smiled. Without Michael's sunglasses, both stallions were able to see each other fully. They didn't need to say anything.
Rice walked between the two up to the desk and both stepped back. "So which camera am I going to be on first?"
"This one," Barro said, placing a hoof on the one next to him. He glanced over Rice's shoulder at Michael.
"This one here? Ah, very good," Rice said, looking over the large camera. "This is the one with the holoprojector?"
Barro nodded slowly. "Yes."
"I just press here, yes?" Rice asked. Again, Barro gave him a slow nod. Rice turned on the switch which activated the holographic projector. A blue ring of light appeared around the camera's lens, indicating the sequence was on. If the camera had been on, it would have produced a holographic image of Rice anywhere in Equestria he chose to target. And it wouldn't be an ordinary holographic projection, either, but a very special one indeed. Rice knew that.
And that wasn't all he knew. "Easy as that, is it?" Rice asked. "That's all it takes?"
Again, Barro confirmed this. "Yes. Whatever you choose to broadcast, you or anyone else, you'll have to input the target coordinates manually. Anywhere in Equestria you want."
"Very good, very good," Rice said, smiling. He turned and glanced over his shoulder at Michael. The brown stallion had not moved from his spot behind the other camera. "And I suppose it's also the best place for you to install your targeting beacon."
He turned back to Barro. The white stallion looked confused on the surface but underneath that, Rice knew, worried.
Rice continued grinning at him, lips pressed together in a sinister, knowing smile. "You're a smart man, Barro. Both of you are very clever. I have to give you credit for that."
"What are you talking abou-"
Rice pulled out a handgun. "You think I'm an idiot, is that it? No matter how smart either of you THINK you are, you STILL don't know who you're dealing with."
Both ponies backed up to their respective walls. "Rice-"
"You think I don't know you contacted your little flying circus when you had the chance?" Rice asked. He turned back and forth between both of them before focusing his attention on Barro. "No, I knew you would always keep something up your sleeve, something held back. Because it's exactly what I'd do, isn't it? Exactly what Dan would do."
"Even if I hadn't, they'd come after you anyway," Barro fired back angrily. "And being underground won't matter. They have enough firepower to bypass any defenses you can activate. I've made certain of that."
"Ah, very good, very good," Rice said again, confidently. "Very good job, if I must say myself. You made the perfect squadron here- perfect ships, perfect crews no doubt and enough of them to fly 'round the clock. Quite an effective card to play, Barro. Kudos."
"Well, they're not exactly perfect," Michael mentioned.
"Shut-"
"Of course, of course," Rice nodded. "Nothing is complete without a character flaw. That sort of thing, right?" Neither Barro nor Michael corrected him. "A group of bombers that never have to stop bombing, can't be shot down and can fly anywhere at any time. The perfect thing to win any war. And a broadcaster to control the narrative, to start and stop the war at any whim. Very smart, Barro. Very smart indeed."
Barro looked over at Michael again. Rice held his gaze, the same knowing grin on his face. The broadcaster's lip slowly started to tremble as the facade finally, at long last crumbled away.
"You don't know... you don't know what it's like," Barro said. "Seeing all those people... I had to report it all. So many... so many dead."
Rice nodded. "Yes. Oh, I know more than you think, dear Barro." He walked over to the wall and placed his hand above Barro's head, leaning. "I also know that wasn't the worst of it, was it? There were those who tried to stop it, weren't there?"
Barro cried. His tears fell to the ground in tiny, twinkling droplets that hit the floor to glisten next to the bundles of wires connecting the cameras.
"I know. I know, it's okay," Rice put his arm around the pony's shoulders. "The hardest part was knowing they could have made a difference."
"They were heroes," Michael said, stepping forward. "They were all heroes."
"And there's certainly enough dead heroes, aren't there?" Rice asked. Both ponies nodded.
"I tried to save them... I was so desperate to save them," Barro muttered. "They wanted..." he breathed hard. "They wanted to go back. They said it wasn't enough- it wasn't enough just to survive. They knew it, I knew it. They didn't want to survive if their lives meant nothing. They wanted to go back!"
"Is that why... oh..." Rice said, sounding surprised.
Michael unfolded a crumpled up piece of paper behind them. A crude drawing of a cannon shooting a Star Destroyer. The ion cannon on the Golden Oaks Library... and the other thing Barro and Michael had summoned directly.
Rice took the paper. "I see now. Why would a Rebel Alliance fanboy summon the Galactic Empire, the one thing that could destroy what they were trying to protect?" Barro looked up at Rice. But Rice already knew they answer. "So they would have something to fight."
"So they would stay. And be safe," Barro said.
Rice nodded. "And so, your real broadcasts were unauthorized ones. The rest? Just to mask what you were really doing. Very clever indeed."
Barro shook his head. "How... how did you know?"
The scientist grinned. "Because you just told me."
"Wha-"
"All I knew was that they listened to you for some reason. And that, despite your constant belittling of them, that you actually LIKED them. Even LOVED them," Rice announced. He thumbed behind him. "The same reason you keep around this idiot."
"Actually, I'm the one who brought him here," Michael said. Barro did not deny this.
"You're a lot like the Director, you know?" Rice declared, smirking. "You'd do anything to protect your favorites, even if you know they're doomed. Even jeopardize this whole entire planet."
"Doomed is a point of view," Barro said.
"Alright, enough with the word games," Rice said. "You're going to take care of your own mess. And by that, I mean the flyboys you've been working so hard to keep under the radar."
"Ha," Barro laughed, "I couldn't stop them if I tried. Same thing with Michael- I can't control him. They won't even shut up when I want them to, why would they listen to me?"
"They're already on their way. Even if they don't know our exact location, they can still pinpoint it with deep scans," Michael said. "They'll find us eventually and when they do, you'll see some real pyrotechnics, believe me."
"Give up, Rice. You've already lost," Barro stated. "You're out of resources and out of time. There's nothing you can do to stop my bombers."
Rice nodded. "Touche. Oh yes, indeed, I know. I know there's nothing that I can do to stop them." He turned to Barro, a more sly grin now on his face.
Barro's jaw worked for a moment. "I already told you- they won't listen to me. And there's no way you can shoot them down."
"I'm not going to shoot them down. You are."
"Ha!" "Hahahaha!" the two ponies chuckled. And then Rice starting laughing with them until slowly, they all three stopped.
"You think I'm going to shoot down my own squadron? For you?" Barro asked.
"Oh, I know you're going to. In fact, I'm going to make it very easy for you," Rice said. And he pointed the gun at Barro's head.
"Pffft, haha... haha, no. N-nice try but, I know a bluff when I see one," Barro scoffed. "You shoot me, you get nothing."
Rice grinned. "Right you are." He turned the gun around and shot Michael.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" "MICHAEL!!"
"Ah-ah. Back up," Rice warned. He snapped his fingers and Michael's mouth zipped shut. The stallion grabbed his leg, crying profusely, eyes pinched as he fell to the floor, bleeding.
"You son of a bitch! You sick son of a-"
"Shut up, Barro. Or the next one goes through his stomach," Rice said, aiming the gun at him. "Now, I'll be very happy to treat your friend. Provided that you do everything I say."
Barro breathed heavily. Michael was still clutching his leg, trying to keep pressure on the wound as it bled. The blood was already wetting the cables on the other camera. He mouthed the words "I'm sorry" to his friend. He was sorry for more than just him getting shot.
Rice clamped his hand firmly down on Barro's shoulder yet again. "Your heroes... or your best friend. I didn't get that choice. I lost my son." He punched a hole in the wall next to Barro's head. His smile faded momentarily, overcome by a rage that was truly unspeakable. "Sorry. I forget sometimes you're one of the ones that wasn't responsible for that. But we still have work to do."
"What do you want me to do?" Barro asked, not looking up at him.
"Deal with the meddlers you brought here first. Shoot them all down and I'll fix your friend's leg. If you even think of crossing me, of trying to mess with me, he'll die a death so agonizingly painful and slow that it'll put every gruesome story you've ever reported to shame," Rice said. "And I'll broadcast it live. Unlike your little news show."
Barro took one last look at Michael, who had passed out from pain. What choice did he have? He owed Michael his life, his job, he wouldn't be here if it weren't for his friend. Barro agreed and that day, he took the last of his starfighters, the one he and Michael arrived in, into orbit.
Much to Rice's surprise, Barro had not exaggerated his skills as a pilot. Like his proficiency as a news broadcaster on Ponyville Action News, he was incredibly good. A news anchor that loved ships, an odd combination to be sure but one that undeniably worked. Just as none had challenged him on air, none could challenge him in the air, or in space in this case.
The broadcaster shot down the Rebel Alliance, the Galactic Empire, any ship that flew against him. It wasn't hard acting alone. In fact, being part of a squadron, had he been with others like Michael he was trying to protect, it might have made it more difficult for him. The fact that Rice had made him choose between his friend and his team had made things incredibly easy for him. With nothing left to lose, he had nothing left to hold back. He didn't.
Barro shot down his own squadron in under thirty seconds. It was impossible- twelve ships in six shots but the flyboy had somehow done it. The rest came later- a squad at a time, then entire wings of fighters, fleets. Wave after wave until Equestria's airspace was very filled with debris. Which was another part of Rice's plan. The other part was the result: no other ships, planes, helicopters or anything else that flew. Nothing that could possibly reach the moon.
Equestria's airspace was secured in the space of a single day.
"There's... there's nothing left," Barro said. In the cockpit of his personal starfighter, coincidentally shaped kinda like a star, the pony slumped. "That's it. It's finished."
*Clap clap clap* the metallic clangs of Rice's hands rang over the ship's comms. "Incredible, Barro! I should've enlisted your help years ago, I can't believe it! Fantastic, my good man! Really, I WISH I would've known to contact you sooner."
Barro was drained. "Uh... huhhhhh." His hooves shook as he lifted them off the controls and hugged his own chest. He wanted to go home. In this moment, all he wanted to do was go back to his Canterlot apartment and pass out on his own bed.
"And don't you worry- I recorded the whole thing. Truly, magnificent dogfighting. If I had only known you were this GOOD at destroying things, I would've called on you sooner. Top-notch sir, truly top-notch."
"I... ta-take requests. When I'm ON THE NEWS!!" Barro shouted. He shivered and put on a flight jacket over his uniform.
Rice laughed."To be honest, I never really watched your broadcasts before. But I'm definitely going to watch them now. You do have reruns, right?"
"..." Barro considered flying to Stable Five and shooting at it until his shots penetrated the Stable's walls. "Is there anything else you wanted?"
"Hahaha, no no no, you've done fine."
"Good. Because I'm-" He tried to engage the ship's controls but they were slack in his hooves. The thrusters, the engines, there was power but the controls weren't working. "Rice! What is this?!"
"I'm afraid you won't be going anywhere, Barro. Honestly, I was considering just deactivating your life support and letting you freeze to death up there, but I have to say you've impressed me too much! No, I think I'll just keep you right where you are in case I need a talented marksman again. Can't hurt, right?"
"RIIICE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SHIP!!???"
Rice chuckled again. "Oh, I just used the time we've been having this little conversation to upload a remote control program to your ship's computer. You're far too gullible, you know that?"
Barro smashed his hooves on the control panel. The lights, the switches, nothing worked. The ship began to helplessly drift among the orbiting debris of other ships.
"Calm down, Barro. Seriously, you're not doing yourself any favors."
"What are you going to do?! Just leave me stranded up here, trapped like a rat in my own cockpit?!?!"
"...Mmm, yeah, pretty much."
"There's no food or water up here!" Barro yelled, looking around. He hadn't packed anything but his flight suit. Apart from a single emergency kit underneath him, there was nothing else up there.
"SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" There was, however, the Space Core from Portal 2, which zipped by to make a cameo appearance.
"Relax, loudmouth. I'll shoot you up a lunchbox later. You like Lunchables?"
Barro stewed. "And how exactly am I supposed to get it inside my ship?"
"Oh, just open the cockpit real quick, grab it and shut it again."
Barro rubbed his forehead. "That's not how SPACE works!"
"I was joking, geez. You know what, we'll figure it out later. Just sit back and enjoy the view for now. And remember, if you try to double-cross me, I'll remote-fly your ship into the sun. I'll talk to ya later buddy, have fun!" *Click*
High above Equestria, in orbit between the planet and the moon, Barro was left alone among the destroyed wreckage of all his favorite ships. Bits and pieces of the vessels he and Michael loved, now reduced to a macabre mosaic in the Equestrian night sky. The final irony Barro was subjected to was the simple fact that space was the last place for a broadcaster. For in space, nopony can hear you scream.
Equestria Stable 5, Rice Puddinghead's Office
Rice hadn't bothered to get anyone to clean up the office since he took Michael out of it. The earth pony's blood stained the floor and wires now. Michael himself had been moved to the infirmary; Rice would have just killed him, but like Barro, he might've been useful later on. For now, his office was empty. He hadn't even posted any dogs outside to guard it.
An air vent hatch opened with a quiet creak in the office. A figure emerged, one so nimble that the security cameras and sensors didn't notice it. The figure jumped over the wires, activated the holoprojector's secret functions and then went to Barro's news desk where a computer was. The figure wasn't exactly equipped to use a computer, but as with all things, Opal found she could manage easily enough anyway.
Remote uplink established. Connecting to DHS mainframe... ... Complete.
--United States Defense Department Omega Sector-- <Command> Request Agent: [Dancing_Shadow] Request sent...
This fanfic has been deemed unsuitable for all advertisers(and audiences) and is no longer eligible for monetization. We realize this story is not currently on YouTube, but whatever. -Sincerely, The YouTube Team
Barro- Demonetized before he made money
"...there he goes, he's coming to now. Alright, help him up."
Once again, Dan awoke having little idea of where he was or how he got there. Before his eyes even fully opened, a pair of arms, human or at least human-like arms, hoisted him up by the shoulders and propped him up.
"There we go. Hey champ, how you doing?"
Dan blinked. He was in an industrial-sized kitchen of some sort. His hands were bound, always a sign of friendship. Ovens, steel tables, racks and trays, looked like he was in the kitchen of the supermarket. But which one was it- the Tesco or the Sainsbury's?
When his eyes adjusted to the lights, he saw a pony he didn't recognize in front of him. A gray pegasus with a darker gray mane was in front of him. In fact, he almost looked like Rumble if he'd suddenly grown up, but Dan knew a lot of ponies looked a like. This guy moved and spoke nothing like Rumble, his brother, or any other ponies. Nopony from Ponyville, a bad sign. A cake floated into view and landed on the steel table in front of him.
"You'll have to forgive me about the arrangements at the moment. You can let him go, guys." Whoever or whatever was holding onto Dan let loose. He resisted the urge to swing his bound hands at his captors and instead glanced over his shoulder at them. They were a pair of Magnetons, though Dan did not know exactly what they were or care. The twin trios of magnetic Pokemon shifted and warbled, then departed in separate directions.
"So, how many of there are you?" Dan asked, before the strange pony could get started. "I'd like to know ahead of time."
The gray stallion smiled. "How many of us what? How many are here in this building?"
Dan shook his head. "No, how many of you there are in general, like how many guys you have your organization. I like to know in advance how many asses I'm going to have to kick because I might want to take a break, stretch, get something to eat between beatings."
Now, Dan had been in many situations like this. Immediately, it brought back memories of when he had been interrogated by Mirror Twilight, Mirror Rarity and Mirror Applejack in the Mirror Universe. He liked giving his captors and those who thought they were over him aggressive answers, make it known he was going to eviscerate them. First, he liked the honesty and giving opponents the chance to concede and second, he liked pissing them off and catching them off-guard.
But this pony wasn't caught off-guard. "An understandable concern. I honestly don't know how many of us there are- I do know it's quite a few. You wouldn't be the first who wanted that information, however. But I can help you get it."
That actually caught Dan off-guard a little. "Well uh, let's start with wherever we are."
"How about we start with cake?" The pony cut a slice of the rectangular cake and put it on a plate. A simple gesture, but it drew Dan's attention to what was on the cake- a picture of him. Chris and Elise were on either side of him, Mr. Mumbles at his feet, the words "Happy Birthday Lady Leomon" arcing across them and Dan's car in the background. In the top-right hand corner, as now was expected, was a crude drawing of a Star Destroyer being shot out of the sky, though this time it was made of frosting. And it was upside-down.
"Where are those?!" Dan pointed angrily at Chris and Elise, "Those are mine- those are my friends! What have you done with them?" The pony said nothing, but took a single bite of the cake. Dan had had enough and walked around the table to feed him a knuckle sandwich chaser when he was stopped. A wall of glass divided the rooms... or at least something that acted like glass.
"Mmm, not bad. I don't know where those two are, but I know where the rest of your little pony friends are," he said. He held up a hoof. "One sec." He then pulled up his muzzle, as if it had been attached by a string. The pony than removed her wings, revealing she wasn't a gray pegasus at all. And she was a mare.
Dan stepped back. "Who... what the hell are you?"
"We are GenoHaradan."
Shadow, Darkness and Night GenoHaradan Assassin's Guild
"And you were told to come alone," the mare said sternly. When she took off her mask, apparently the friendly expression came off with it.
"What the hell are the... Geno-whatever? And why are you operating in the back of a frickin' Tesco?"
"We're a guild of assassins, bounty hunters and entrepreneurs. We're the quiet, guiding voice of fate, the writers of history in-between the lines. We're an afterthought, an accident, a question never quite asked or pondered that dances at the edge of the mind and the abyss," the mare explained. "We are the shadows dancing in the darkness of the night."
Dan shook his head. "Okay, I got none of that after 'we're a guild of assassins.' You didn't really need to say all that other crap after that- guild of assassins. I got it, you're assassins."
The mare nodded slowly, hooves touching as she took a seat to finish her cake. "The theatrics usually impress new recruits."
Dan shrugged. "I'm more of a straight shooter. I've already been with HYDRA, the League of Shadows, the Patriots, so I don't really- wait, did you say recruit?"
She nodded again. "We were impressed with your defeat of Zen Zeal. Not to mention everything else you've accomplished. We've actually been trying to recruit you for a while now."
Dan squinted quizzically. "You want me to join a guild of assassins? Wait-" He remembered the pony that bumped into him back at the castle camp, "you've been around for a while." He started to pace, thinking back to every time a pony looked at him for a little too long. There was definitely Lyra...
"Longer than you realize. And we've helped you, too."
"How?"
"Little things. Like suggesting to Twilight Sparkle that she fly in a tank to help you. Putting an explosives shed next to a tool shed. Updating the programming of the Magic Gears allowing them to transform into smaller, portable units. On top of giving them access to the satellite defense grid, despite Vice's efforts to lock them out of it and use it to vaporize you," the mare said, hooves still touching in front of her. She looked up at Dan, smiled and added, "And who do you think kept Pone Depot stocked with exactly what you needed?"
Dan stopped pacing and turned to her. "You supply Pone Depot?"
"Heh. Dan, we own Pone Depot."
The human's mouth gaped. "Dear god."
"There's more."
"No..."
She frowned at him. "We're not doing that."
"No," Dan continued, "No, Pone Depot is sacred!" He grabbed the cake with his bound hands, then grabbed the edge of the table. "PONE DEPOT IS SACRED!!!" He flipped the table and it clattered against the transparent wall. The cake had been whole when it had been set down, now it was clearly in half. This was Equestrian magic at work, the kind of illusion magic Trixie was an expert at.
"It can still be sacred," she said, casually finishing her cake. "We own many front companies. Tesco, Planet Pants, a few stores on Electric Avenue, Sugar Cube Corner-"
"No... not Sugar Cube Corner," Dan shook his head slowly.
The mare nodded. "We're already a part of your life, your world. You just didn't know it until now," she cleaned her mouth and stood up. Then, she unzipped her mask, revealing that she was actually a zebra. A male zebra he had already met before- Zen Zeal. "We like Equestria, Dan. We've always liked democracy; representative government presents many opportunities. Like the Republic, we've helped shape Equestria from the shadows, providing stability for the structure."
"Through assassination," Dan stated. "Through deceit and... manipulation."
"More knives than lies. We're not politicians." The zebra dusted off his stripes revealing they were... a stallion like the one Dan had first scene.
"Why the hell do you keep doing that? I get it- you have disguises. I dressed up as a pizza guy once to-"
"-break into Canterlot Castle, yes, we know of that, too," the pony said. "My name is Visor."
"Like Supervisor or Adviser?"
"Whichever you like."
"I'd like my hands back. Now." And just like that, the binders around Dan's wrists detached. They fell to the ground and disappeared. Again, this was not technology, not like what Vice Grip or Rice Puddinghead did. This was magic at work again.
Dan rubbed his wrists. It was a lot to take in, as were most of the revelations he received regularly. Every time he thought he knew Equestria, it went and changed on him, something else was uncovered. Perhaps that was the same with Earth, too; he'd seen his fair share of shadowy organizations back home. Not that he'd ever talked to Chris and Elise that much about it.
"We want to help you eliminate Rice Puddinghead and restore Equestria's sovereignty."
Those words made Dan's eyes go wide. "Go on."
"I thought that would catch your attention. Look, your world has changed and you're going to have to admit that sooner or later." Visor got up and started to pace in circles, hooves clasped behind his back. That was something Dan had seen before. "We've been doing this for quite some time. Even Celestia and Luna knew about us, though not the extent of our operations. Or our goals. But we quite like Equestria; this kingdom is a lot like the Republic."
"Where are my friends?" Dan asked through partially-gritted teeth.
"They're being loaded up to be delivered to Rice's testing ground. We're not sure what he's using them for yet," Visor explained. "But the frozen ones are just the ones from Ponyville. The rest of them are in-"
"Tartarus?" Dan guessed.
She confirmed it with a nod. "From what we can tell, yes."
"Twilight's there?" Dan pressed. "With Chrys and Fluffle Puff? And Nicky and-"
"From what we can tell, yes, they are," she made a pushback gesture with her hooves. "We gathered from the Doctor that you're going to try to break into Tartarus through the Donquestrians and we want to help you with that as well. We just want you to do us a favor or two along the way."
Dan folded his arms. "And what might that be?"
She leaned forward on the table, looked down at the cake. "Some of our agents have not been so lucky. The donkeys are quite good at security- almost as good as you."
"I'll believe that when I- actually, no, I just don't believe that."
"The gate to Tartarus is deep within the bowels of the donkey's most heavily-secured prison: the Bursavis Prison Complex," she explained. "The only way to get through to Donquestria is to pass through the gates at New Troy."
"Why can't we just fly there? You got any airships?"
The pony sneered slightly. "Not any more. There's a ship in orbit the likes of which we've never seen before. No record of it. It's shot everything down that even tries to take off. We lost all our ships to it, so did the griffons and the goats."
"What kind of ship? Wait-" Dan thought, "Does it look like a weird golfbag?"
Visor shook his head. "It's a fighter. Small, but it's got one helluva gun on it. Shoots everything down from orbit so nothing can even get close. Honestly, it would be very, very useful to have it on our side. We only know it's up there because we tried to contact it using an observatory. Got a decent enough look at it before it turned the telescope into slag."
Dan thought again. "The ship from Galaga? Old arcade game?"
He nodded. "Sounds about right, to be honest. Flying is out of the question and to get through those gates, you're going to have to use the train."
"Fantastic. I remember the last time I was on a train and it involved donkeys," Dan remarked. "So while I'm at this prison, you want me to break out some of your agents? Other assassins? Is that it?"
"Yes. There's also a few other individuals we want you to look out for while you're there, and these-"
Dan slammed the table. "Look. I don't care about you assassins or your creed. Equestria's on good terms with the donkeys and I happen to be a royal guard captain."
He held his hooves up defensively. "We're willing to work with your diplomatic ties-"
"I'm NOT going to be dishonest. I'm NOT betraying my friends OR our allies. I'm NOT joining your fruity little club, bub," Dan declared. "Write that in your secret history book."
Visor smiled. "I don't have to. Bring him in!"
From the other end of the kitchen, Boba Fett stepped through with Doctor Whooves. The former pointed a rifle at the latter.
Boba Fett did not have to push or shove the Doctor. The Doctor knew better, fully-aware of the modified heavy blaster rifle aimed directly at his head. Wherever Boba Fett went, the faint smell of smoke and ozone was not far behind; the bounty hunter's weapons were used that often.
"Hi Dan!"
"Hey Doc. Docy... Doctory..."
"Rory?"
"No," Dan shook his head. "Dammit, it doesn't work with Doctor. I miss Nicky."
"Who's Nicky?"
"Enough. Both of you," Visor said. "Now Dan-"
"No," Dan interrupted, "No. No no no no NO. I'm not joining your club- I already told you. If you think torturing or shooting the new lime on the block is going to change my mind, I've got news for you: I don't even know the guy." Dan declared.
"Oh ho ho, no Dan, you misunderstand," Visor said, smiling slightly. "We could very well force you to break into the donkeys' prison for us. There's many ways we could torture you, drug you, threaten you, strap a bomb around your neck, inject you with a poison that only we have the antidote for that would kill you in forty-eight hours if you didn't do what we said. But, we prefer if people working for us operate under their own free will. It's much easier for everyone that way."
Dan folded his arms. "You're asking me to join a discount assassin's guild managed in the back of a goddamn grocery store. You might as well be asking me to join your roleplay group. The sheer amount of fuck I don't give grows by the minute."
"Hmm. Humorous as always, Dan. But part of assassination is motivation," he said slyly. But even though his voice and appearance were that of a stallion, he still had some feminine qualities about him. Who and what Visor was exactly was a mystery, and Dan knew that was intentional.
"You could shoot the Doctor and I still wouldn't help you," Dan informed them.
"Oh no- he's going in place of you. You declined, remember?" Visor asked. "So, if you won't help us, we'll have to send the good Doctor here."
Doctor Whooves looked between Dan, Visor and even Boba Fett holding the gun behind him. "Errm(Britishy um), where am I to be sent, exactly?"
"It doesn't matter- there's no escape from this stupidity."
"As I was saying-"
"Like a big, stupid cloud."
"The Doctor will be the one breaking into the prison," Visor continued. Unlike other villains Dan had encountered, this was perfectly fine with Dan trying to talk over him, it seemed. "He'll be sent in with Mr. Fett watching over him and to assist if anything goes wrong. We'd prefer a more subtle approach, but without your help, having him arrested and imprisoned will be our only option. It might be messy but messes eventually get cleaned up."
"-stupid drain." Yes, Dan continued talking over him. When he was finished, Dan said, "Question."
"Yes?"
"I don't care."
"You're about to."
"Doubtful."
Visor grinned again. "We're going to have the Doctor arrested by the donkeys, that's how he'll get in the prison. Once in, a device on him will hack their security systems and release him and the other prisoners, causing a riot. While that happens, Mr. Fett will be infiltrating the prison and extracting our agents. By the time they realize what happen, the prison will be in chaos and we'll be gone."
Dan paused for a moment. "Not a bad plan, actually."
"Worked for dad," Boba said, making the rare remark.
"Precisely. And it will make your job much harder," Visor said, grinning wider. He looked down his snout at Dan. "You're still planning on breaking in yourself, correct?"
Dan slowly lowered the finger he had raised to his chin. The situation dawned on him. "They'll be in total lockdown. It'll be worse than-"
"Canterlot when you were there, yes," Visor said. "It's taken us a long time to study you, Dan. We must admit, you were a mystery, but everyone has their weakness as you know all too well. Yours is planning... and anything that could possibly interfere with your plans."
Dan brushed it off. "Sso? A prison lockdown is not a big deal. Sure, it might be harder to get around, get through security checkpoints... will probably have to fill out a few more forms... wait a while..." A cold feeling began to spread from the pit of his stomach through his entire body.
"Lines. Full of morons. Morons talking to morons waiting in line to talk to more morons behind desks. Incompetent people behind desks apathetically and tediously reviewing the same things, asking the same questions," Visor continued. Dan's eyes were wide; every word the pony now spoke was like a butter knife scraping along a chalkboard inside Dan's mind. "Redundancy. Bureaucracy. Having to tell five different people the same exact thing, the same exact way and wait for those people to confer with each other to determine that you told them all the exact same thing, the exact same way."
"No..."
"People that came in AFTER you being treated and even leaving before you're even served."
"No!" Dan screamed. "No, stop!"
"Metal detectors that people have to go through three times because they forgot something in their back pocket!"
"NO!"
"And a take-a-number system... that isn't called in order."
Dan fell to his knees. "NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Hands outstretched, not in fists but in fingers reaching to the sky, grasping desperately for an answer out of reach, shaking in helpless fear as it soars somewhere over him, like the plane he fell out of, as the flight attendant smiles back at him, "Remain seated, sir."
"Yes, Dan," Visor said, walking over to him as he cowered in a fetal position. He leaned over and whispered in his ear, "It's like the DMV, the airlines and one of those fancy restaurants you hate all wrapped into one. That's why it's prison, Dan- it's the worst out of all of them. Worse than hell on Earth, Dan. Why else would the gate to Tartarus be there? It's hell on Equestria."
"That is the either the worst argument for prison reform ever or quite possibly the best," the Doctor said. His hooves were still raised but Boba had to nod in agreement.
"Stop it... stop it, please. Alright, I'll do it," Dan finally conceded.
"I thought you might."
Dan shot up almost instantly and brushed himself off, seemingly over the episode just as quickly. "Right, so which nut do you want picked out of the nuthouse?"
"You don't need to know," Visor said. The pony handed him a calculator. Or rather, a device designed to look like a calculator. "The Donquestrian security set up is similar to the one you had installed on the library, meaning it's a closed system. Attach that device to any security terminal and we'll be able to slice in via remote. That should be easy if the donkeys trust you."
Dan looked at the small, flat, rectangular object. "All this because you want me to plant a bug? That's what this is- a bug. You want me to plant a bug, that's it. That's really all there is?"
"Yes," Visor answered. "You're best-suited for the job."
The human thought about snapping the square piece of plastic in half, but pocketed it. "Fine."
"Wait a minute," Doctor Whooves said, "So you're saying you'd rather me be tortured or shot or stabbed than you be mildly inconvenienced?"
Dan thought, then answered simply, "Yeah."
Whooves lowered his hooves. "You're fine with people being hurt or even killed... so long as you're not annoyed?"
Dan thought again. "You're probably not going to like the answer to that question, Doctor."
"You are- you are just the... well," he looked down at Dan's shirt. "Well, you're a jerk."
"That's not something I really try to hide now, is it?" Dan asked. "Now now, Doc, it's nothing personal."
The Doctor shook his head. "You'd let your own FRIENDS get shot?"
Dan shrugged. "Friends, family, the environment. If it comes down between an endangered species and being stuck in traffic, well, gas ain't cheap."
"I'M the last of my entire race!" the Doctor exclaimed, pointing at himself with both hooves. "Depending on who you talk to."
Dan shrugged again. "It's nothing personal."
The Doctor rubbed his temples. "Correction: You are a MASSIVE jerk."
"Thank you, Doctor. Let's get this over with," Dan said, heading towards the door.
"Mr. Fett will escort you both out," Visor said, sitting back down again. "We'll be seeing you."
"Seeing you soon?" Whooves asked.
"Seeing you always," Visor answered. The bounty hunter walked both of them out, still treating them a little more as hostile rather than compliant. Dan didn't blame them. The Doctor, being himself, kept his hooves raised as he walked but Dan did did not.
Before they left, Dan turned back to Visor. "One last question."
"Yes?"
"The pony that tried to assassinate Vice... or, Rice, a thousand years ago. Princess Quartz?"
"What about her?" Visor asked, eyebrow raised very slightly.
"The train accident... the one that killed his son," Dan continued. "Did the Geno-whatever guys have something to do with that?"
Visor smiled, but didn't answer. Instead, he said, "Be seeing you, Dan."
Dan's face went blank. He slowly turned around and allowed Boba Fett to escort him and the Doctor out. He knew better than anyone that no answer wasn't good at all. Usually, almost always, no answer means yes. It did this time. They left without another sound.
Visor took a moment to wipe his muzzle. He even wiped underneath it, the mare part of her. Like the Director, she was more mare than her other personas but there were many parts to her. What was undeniable about Visor was that she was a pony that was not to be underestimated. Kind of like her own changeling, except with a different kind of talent for changing, one even Chrys would be surprised with. Of course, there were still many surprises left in all three of them.
Tetran Cowall, aka Cobalt the ace actor, stepped up to Visor's side as if he had appeared from nowhere. He said nothing.
Visor stood up. "Deploy everyone. This is going to be more difficult than we thought. I trust you're ready for your performance?"
Cobalt smiled. "Naturally."
"Good. Go to Fett's ship when you're done." That was the extent of their conversation. They also departed the building, taking a different route to avoid Dan and the Doctor. They left a small, blinking cylinder, another object disguised as something that it was. The cylinder blinked and transmitted a signal, one that could only be received by one source. That source, high above Equestria, targeted the building.
Dan was aware of Boba Fett behind him and the Doctor to his left. They walked out of the kitchen and into the main floor of the building and that's when Dan realized he was. He wasn't in a Tesco or a Sainsbury's; Dan knew exactly where he was. He was inside Pone Depot. They really were in a Pone Depot.
Originally, Pone Depot had started out as Ponyville Neighborhood Hardware, a parts, tools and repair store local to Ponyville. As the store grew, it eventually became a chain of hardware and appliance retail stores that were popular around Equestria. Ponies and beings all across Equestria came to for their various home and hardware needs. Quickly, it became the most popular chain of stores in Equestria. Recently, it began a partnership with Vinyl Scratch and Octavia to open convenience-sized WubWays inside certain Pone Depot stores to offer customers music and sandwiches while they shop.
Unofficially, Pone Depot became a front for the GenoHaradan assassin's guild shortly after its rebranding as a chain. When ponies found random machine things they couldn't explain, they took them to Pone Depot. Not all UFOs fall out of the sky- some are dug up or just found lying around. Without any other options, ponies took these random mechanical-looking pieces of technology to Pone Depot and soon, the stores became warehouses for high-tech extra-dimensional junk. Soon, extra-dimensional travelers arrived quietly, discreetly to find things they could not otherwise find.
So that's basically why you see weird people at Wal-Mart and Home Depot and places like that. And part of the reason to shop there.
"You got a ride?" Dan asked. "We taking your ship or-"
"We're taking a train," Boba Fett stated.
"Why not your ship?" Dan asked, looking at him over his shoulder. "You didn't come here with it?"
"All ships are grounded. No travel off the surface is permitted." They began walking down one of the long Pone Depot aisles.
Dan looked over his shoulder again. "Including yours?"
The bounty hunter was silent for a moment as they walked. Finally, he said, "For now."
"That ship your boss was talking about... it shot you down, didn't it?"
Again, there was silence from Boba Fett. Finally, he said, "He's your friend."
Dan spun around. "What?"
"Barro the Broadcaster, the news anchor. He's piloting the ship."
"Huh," Dan rubbed his chin.
"What?" Boba asked, a bit uncharacteristic for him.
Dan shrugged. "I was just thinking it kinda brings a new meaning to the term 'worldwide coverage' when you think about it."
"Funny," Boba replied, tone indicating he only recognized it as a pun.
"I've heard funnier," the Doctor said.
Dan smirked at him. "He shot you down, didn't he?"
"Not recently," Boba responded, just a little too quickly. Which in itself gave Dan some information.
"So how many times have you fought him?"
Another pause, briefer this time. "Enough times."
They stopped walking. Dan leaned against one of the shelves. "I hear you're something of a hotshot yourself. So why all the trouble with the newsman?"
"He has a very powerful long-range weapon, an unrestricted field of fire and a nearly-unassailable vantage point. He can shoot anything before it has a chance to take off. Those are very difficult things to overcome," Boba said.
"Eh, I like a challenge," Dan remarked.
"How would you handle it?"
"Hmm?"
"How would you handle such a... challenge? Theoretically?" Boba asked.
"That depends- you still have your ship?"
Boba paused again. "Perhaps."
Dan folded his arms. "Then perhaps I have a way to break the news. Theoretically."
Boba could have pressed him for more information, but it was clear they both were holding a bit back they didn't want to divulge. It was a game and they were both playing it similarly, the way they talked. Dan was lucky enough he knew something Boba wanted to know so that he was able to turn things around on him. Now, Dan knew the bounty hunter had history with Barro and that his ship was likely still intact. Both of those things he could use to his advantage.
All Boba got from talking to Dan was that the cocky captain had a plan of his own. To his credit, Dan had not been entirely making it up, either. He did have an idea of how to shoot Barro down when the time came. And now, he was beginning to form a plan to that effect. But first, he would have to deal with something more immediate: Boba Fett.
"Hey! Hey look-" the Doctor pointed, "Big Toblerpones!" In one of the shelves was a stack of long, pyramidal boxes labeled TOBLERPONE, the ponified version of the similar Swiss chocolate, Toblerone.
"Yeap, they stock the huge ones here," Dan remarked.
"Why do they make them so big?" Doctor asked.
"For parties and special occasions," Dan answered. "Like those giant party subs. They make them that big because it's easier than just making dozens of smaller sandwiches, makes less mess. With the big candy bars, it can be easier than a cake because people can eat what they want and just wrap up the rest for later. Also, there's the novelty and fun of eating a gigantic Toblerpone or Flutterfinger."
Doctor Whooves cast a glance at him. "You seem to be well-versed on the subject of colossal confections."
Dan shrugged and nodded. "I ask about things when I'm here. You can learn a lot about stuff just by asking people. And you can learn a lot at your local Pone Depot."
"Clearly."
Even if that Visor creep said the GenoHaradan secretly ran Pone Depot, it didn't stop Dan from reminiscing a bit about his times in the store. Pone Depot, like Home Depot, was always fun for Dan. He'd often shop there with Chris and Elise to stock up on revenge materials. There was no telling when something or someone would piss him off in the near future, so he often bought supplies and hardware for revenge plans in advance and in bulk. He usually stored his revenge equipment in Chris's house, much to Elise's displeasure, but it made sense since he usually enlisted Chris in his schemes anyway.
"Can we get something to eat first? If we're actually going to attempt this mission, would it not be wise to stock up on supplies beforehoof?"
"That's a good point, Doctor," Dan agreed, "Let's gather some essentials and lunch." They walked over to the candies.
"They do have more than just chocolate here, don't they?" The Doctor asked. "Haven't been much for chocolate lately. Not since the chocolate Daleks..."
"Well, we can go to the Sainsbury's again after this. Not like we're in a hurry." Dan looked back over his shoulder at their armored escort. Boba Fett said nothing, but seemed perpetually on edge. The rifle was still in his arms. They were roughly the same height if Boba hadn't been wearing boots. And they both knew that.
Boba and Dan were a lot alike. Both men admitted that, somewhere privately deep within. And they knew the other did the same. Dan looked at Boba Fett's expressionless but somehow still-menacing black visor, the face of the strange space man, the feared intergalactic bounty hunter known for his peerless fighting skills and array of deadly weapons, and knew exactly what he was looking at: himself. A thug, an enforcer, a bully and hitman for hire, the kind that let their reputation speak for them.
Within the space of a second, the pair silently sized the other up and were aware the other was doing exactly the same. Dan held the smallest of grins, the tiniest of smirks as he simply looked at the armored man holding a gun on him. That was when Dan of all people made the connection that no one else did, that no one in the multiverse or in any form of existence ever made. Dan understood why Boba Fett did what he did.
Boba Fett was a household name. Famous and infamous beyond recognition, his name inspired fear and respect wherever and whenever it was spoke. Everyone knew it, everyone knew him. He had enough money to retire a thousand times, buy planets, he was insanely rich. He could take any job, go anywhere, do anything he wanted. Yet he was here. Still doing what he had always done. Only Dan in that very moment knew why. The simplest reason of all: he liked it. Dan knew this because they had something in common- Dan liked it, too.
"You want anything?"
"No thanks," Boba replied, nothing but ice. Dan's fiery temper and Boba's icy demeanor were a good match.
Dan walked over to the Toblerpone. "Wait, are you actually planning on getting that?" Whooves asked.
"It's a decent price. I'm sure the Genie-Hadouken would appreciate us trying to limit expenditures."
"Limit expenditures? Wait, how do you know they'll pay for our expenditures?"
Dan shrugged. "Didn't say they wouldn't."
"They didn't say they would either."
"Well, let me put it this way: we're leaving and taking all the crap we can carry. If they don't like that, they can take one of their ropes from aisle twenty-six and piss up on it. Now help me get this Toblerpone on a cart," Dan said, grabbing the giant candy bar.
"But you LIKE Pone Depot. Why would you steal from them?" Whooves asked.
"I steal from people I like all the time! Not like important stuff. Little things they don't miss," Dan explained. "Things I can resell. Twilight pays for it anyway. On top of that, the world ended, Equestria's gone, our friends are gone, we're broke and Pone Depot is run by assassins. Take your pick, doc."
"But do really need a giant Toblerpone? Is there somepony you're trying to impress?"
"Just help me get into a- hey, watch it!" The two dropped the bar. "Great going, Whooves. You broke it."
"It's not that bad- look, it's fine," Whooves said, examining it. The fall bent the candy and broke open the front end of the box it came in. "I'm sure it's still- wait. What's this?"
"What?"
The Doctor glared at the end of the bar. "Dan, I don't think this is a candy bar at all. No, this is quite a different sort of treat."
"What are you talking about?"
The Doctor opened it up fully. He reached in, but instead of finding chocolate, he pulled out something else: an RPG. A rocket-propelled grenade launcher.
Dan watched as he unsheathed the weapon. "I officially love Toblerpones now."
"I'm willing to bet they're all stuffed with assorted explosive weapons," Whooves said. "Honestly, I don't want to meet the person who would consider these to be candy." And then he looked over to Dan who had his arms full of them. "Or perhaps I already have. Dan, we can't take all of them."
"Why not? You have a bazooka allergy?"
"Put the weapons down."
The two looked over to see Boba Fett aiming the gun at them. Not holding it at the hip any more, he was actually threatening them with it. "Put the weapons down slowly. Now."
Dan dropped them instantly, letting them fall and clatter to the floor. The Doctor almost jumped out of his pony skin. "Can you POSSIBLY do something without threatening our lives every other time?!"
"Put them back on the rack."
"What's wrong, Fett?" Dan asked. "We're going some place dangerous. We might need some firepower."
"Not for this job. Too risky. Put them back," Boba instructed.
"Dan, do what the bounty hunter says, please." Doctor Whooves didn't want to admit it, but he wasn't actually in his element. Something had shaken him; the usually-daring Doctor wasn't acting quite like himself. He gathered the Toblerpones obediently and put them back on the aisle shelf, all of them save the last one that still lay opened.
"That one, too. Put it back slowly."
Dan looked down at the empty box. The rocket launcher for it was laying next to it, but that wasn't what Dan was thinking about. It was too obvious.
Maybe it had been a long time in coming. In a way, they both knew what was going to happen next and neither of them could avoid it. The tension between them could be almost felt in the air, like water reaching a boiling point. This was going to be a showdown. Equestria could only have one top jerk. The Doctor could do nothing but watch. He then realized he was not the only one watching. The Mare Do Well was watching them as well.
"I'm not going to tell you again, friend. Pick it up."
Dan hesitated, taking one last long moment to stare down the bounty hunter, Boba Fett. He knelt down slowly and then picked it up, cautiously, slowly, making his motions slow and deliberate for the man holding the gun on him. He picked it up and held it in his arms, hands loosely gripping it, and he looked back at Boba Fett.
The Doctor looked back and fourth between the two men. He felt a strong urge to back away from the two of them and get as low as possible, perhaps behind something.
"Put it back on the shelf. Now," Boba said, gesturing with his gun.
"Of course, buddy. Of course." Dan grinned and looked at the Doctor, then back to Boba. He then suddenly started laughing. "Hahahahahahahahahahaha!"
"Hahahahaha..." Whooves laughed nervously.
"Hahahaha..."
"That's it," Boba said, and raised his rifle. He aimed it right for Dan's smiling face. "You had your cha-"
There were a couple of ways it could have started. Dan could have swiped upward with the giant Toblerpone box and knocked the weapon out of Boba's hands. He could have tried to block Boba's shot with it and ducked behind cover. He could have even tried to fire the RPG inside the box and shot it at the bounty hunter. But Dan liked the most direct approach and that meant that when there was something in his hands, he wanted to get rid of it as fast as he could and then use his hands for what they were meant for.
Dan threw the bar at Boba Fett. Blaster bolts from the hunter's gun scorched the outside and would have gone right through to hit Dan in the head, if wrapper inside the candy bar box had not been authentic. Even the fake giant Toblerpones were wrapped in tin foil, absorbing the laser blasts by reflecting the light of the bolts. The bar hit the bounty hunter's gun in the muzzle but it never hit the floor; Dan had tossed the bar and charged at the same moment.
"Aaugh!" Dan tackled Boba Fett. The force of the tackle combined with the weight of the box knocked Boba Fett to the ground, causing him to drop his favorite EE-3 rifle. He still had plenty of other weapons in his arsenal, but with Dan so close to him, he wasn't able to use them.
Dan, however, had two weapons he was able to fully use against Boba Fett: his fists. Using the Toblerpone to pin Boba's limbs, Dan punched at his helmet. It was made of metal, which was tough on Dan's hands, but he was used to it. Plus, each jab knocked Boba's helmeted head into the concrete floor as well, doubling the effect. Every clang of metal on the floor reverberated through Boba's head worse than if he had been wearing nothing at all.
It almost seemed as if Dan had planned this entire set up. From the moment he tossed the candy bar, Dan had been in the advantage against the most feared and dangerous bounty hunter ever. And he was now beating the piss out of him.
Boba had had enough. He bent the Toblerpone box and punched Dan in the side of the head. He punched through the box and delivered three more blows to the side of Dan's head before he finally got hold of the human with the other hand and forced him off of him.
The two got to their feet at almost the same time. Dan had a deep gash in the side of his head from where the bounty hunter's gauntleted fist had landed, but was no worse for wear otherwise. The unarmored human knew Boba would have used one of his other weapons if given the chance, and to his credit, Boba was about ready to whip out the flamethrower. Dan lunged at him again, going for his waist before the hunter could respond. But Boba Fett, the veteran of countless battles and wars, was expecting that.
Boba blocked Dan's lunge partially with his left forearm, the same arm that contained his ripcord and his flamethrower, as well as a lot of other gadgets. They slammed into the shelf behind him, nearly knocking it over. Smaller candy bars and other items fell to the floor. Boba gripped Dan's face and whipped him around, smashing him into the shelf. Wasting no time, the bounty hunter kept Dan pinned and delivered a jaw-cracking punch to Dan's face. He then grabbed Dan by both his shoulders and prepared to give him a 'Mandalorian kiss', meaning an armored headbutt to the face.
Slacking his shoulders, Dan lowered himself and was able to duck just in time. Boba headbutted the metal shelf, clanging his helmet on the rack instead of Dan's forehead.
The bounty hunter recoiled as the metallic ring echoed in his own cranium. Dan used that opportunity to tackle Boba to the ground yet again. The bounty hunter's jetpack clattered and his armor clanked every time he hit the ground, like a metal patchwork of iron plates loosely connected to the same frame.
Boba's weakness was his reputation... and his core. His beskar'gam, the ceremonial Mandalorian battle armor he wore and was known for was also ancient. He felt more from Dan's blows than if he'd been wearing MJOLNIR Powered Assault Armor or anything more modern. His weapons were on his arms. Dan, more of a street fighter, got in close and focused his attacks on the bounty hunter's midsection between his arms, preventing him from using his deadly arsenal and also hurting him where his armor was connected.
And that wasn't his only weak spot. Dan grabbed the bounty hunter by the neck with both hands and started strangling him. He gripped hard, shook the armored man, gritting his teeth in sheer fury. Boba gripped Dan's hands as the pale man squeezed his neck through the connecting armor of his neck, desperate to get his hands off his throat. Boba's own teeth were gritted under his helmet's mask.
But Dan's grip was ironclad. Boba deployed the razors from his gauntlet and swiped at Dan, forcing him to release him.
Panting, the pair rose to their feet again. With his gauntlet blades deployed, Boba forced Dan to change strategies; getting close was not going to work.
"You had to pull out the damn can opener."
"Sorry. It was next to my lighter." Boba raised his arm again and unleashed his flamethrower. A jet of flames closed the gap between him and Dan, searing the air. Dan dove into the shelves, knocking products aside as he plunged through them and into the other aisle. Boba panned over with his flamethrower and scorched the various oversized candies, setting row after row of products ablaze. The fires burned, but Dan had already disappeared to the next aisle.
It was time to get serious. Boba had the advantage now with Dan retreating. Seconds made the difference in the fight, but so did position. He activated his jetpack and flew upward. No doubt Dan was already preparing his next attack or trying to flank him, but as he couldn't fly, Boba could gain some height and keep him at a distance.
Boba had to admit he hadn't had a fight like this in a... ever. No opponent on any of the countless worlds and countless universes had ever come so close to finishing him, pushed him so far that he had to use everything he had. In a way, it felt good to be challenged again, the thrill filled his every nerve. But it also pissed him off and made him realize how dangerous Dan really was- as dangerous as him.
Boba reached the top of the aisles. And Dan was waiting for him.
Dan grinned, one arm behind his back. "It's over, Boba! I have the high ground!"
"Ha," Boba mocked him. "That's just a worthless meme. It doesn't mean anything."
"I also have your gun."
"Son of a bi-"
*BLAM*
Dan's shot caught Boba in the shoulder. The EE-3 rifle was designed and specially modified by Boba himself to fire in powerful, penetrating three-shot bursts. It was a bounty hunter's weapon designed to incapacitate the armored and outright kill anything that wasn't armored, helping him take down larger targets and deal with riffraff like Dan easily. Until they used it against him.
The powerful shot spun Boba and caused him to crash into the top of the other aisle and fall. He hit the concrete flat on his stomach.
"Haha. Another happy landing." Dan raised the gun and aimed it at the bounty hunter's jetpack. He wasn't the best shot, but he figured he could at least take out his flight capabilities.
Until Boba, lying prone, fired his jetpack-mounted missile into the shelf Dan was standing on. It exploded underneath him, the heavy rack absorbing the damage as various other candies were incinerated but the shelf collapsed. It fell backwards, taking Dan with it.
"No... no... nononoNONONONONONONONONONOOOOOO" The racks fell, crashed into the aisle next to them. Dan scrambled to climb to the top of the next one just as it was leaning into the next aisle. A domino effect began and each of the shelves crashed into the other and fell over, crashing into the next aisle. Hundreds of thousands of products of all kinds spilled onto the floor- boxes of all sizes, novelty items, home, house and office wares. Dan scrambled up each rack of shelves as they collapsed from the oversized candy aisle all the way to the outdoor camping section on the other side of the building.
"DOC! DOC! DO SOMETHING!!"
"I'm getting a fire extinguisher!"
"WHY?!"
"Because of the all the bloody fires! You'd think the sprinklers would activate with all the burning candy around but I guess safety isn't the first priority for assassins at Pone Depot."
"DOC!!"
Dan was exhausted. Fighting was one thing, but physical labor, that sucked. Climbing was taking a lot out of him. And finally, he reached an aisle with boxes at the very top, the kind people rarely bought and had to have people get on scissor-lifts to get up to. They blocked Dan and prevented him from climbing further.
"Had to be the camping section. It just HAD to be the camping section," Dan remarked as the shelves fell over.
But this time, they only hit the wall at the opposite end of the building.
"Ha... haha! Ahhh, thank you great outdoors." He propped himself up on the rack and took a minute to catch his breath. He wiped his forehead and a fire extinguisher landed in his lap.
"Found the fire extinguisher!"
"Great, why don't you call customer service so they can help check us out when I finally have a fuck to give?"
"No need for such language."
Dan heard a whistling noise and had time to drop between the shelves to the floor before another missile exploded on the rack he'd been clinging to. It exploded, setting several boxed tents on fire.
Boba landed again, stepping on several action figures as he did so. The floor was almost completely covered in random items from the store shelves, most of them still intact. The bounty hunter was done. He ignited the flamethrower and torched everything in a circle around him, then in a massive cone in front of him. He would find Dan eventually and when he did, he would disintegrate the man where he stood as he should have done when he first saw him.
Shots from his own blaster whizzed by. Dan wasn't the best marksman with most weapons, especially weapons of a type he was completely unfamiliar with. The EE-3 was a crude rifle and took a steady hand to aim but was meant to be just as effective aimed or fired from the hip. Dan, trying to aim it more like a long rifle, was having trouble.
Still, even unskilled could get a lucky shot in. A trio of bolts came close to his head and shot off Boba's scanner, the bounty hunter ducked. Dan came at him, peppering him with fire.
The sprinklers turned on. Very quickly, water sprayed down on the entire building's interior, coating everything. Boba fired his ripcord at Dan and scored a hit, wrapping wires around Dan's torso. He yanked hard and Dan fell over, dropping into the scattered products on the floor. Even in the rain of the fire suppression system, Boba's flamethrower and jetpack would still work, and he was planning on introducing that to Dan.
With Dan still attached, he jetted up to the ceiling. But Dan was still in the fight, and fired Boba's blaster, cutting off the ripcord. The force from the jet ascent sent Dan sliding, still bound in wires, into one of the aisles.
Quickly, Boba landed nearby. He opened up with his flamethrower, torching where Dan landed in a pile of assorted boxes of industrial-sized toilet paper. The bounty hunter torched everything, walking closer to Dan until finally his flamethrower's fuel cells were exhausted.
"Now, you know I'm the best. You know my reputation speaks for itself, friend. You should've listened," Boba chastised.
"I did listen," Dan said. He rose from the charred boxes holding the fire extinguisher. "I JUST DON'T FUCKING CARE!" He sprayed the hunter with the extinguisher, a jet of white frost engulfing him.
Boba's flamethrower worked fine in rain but not against icy fire suppressant. And even though it wasn't much, it prevented his flamethrower and jetpack from working. His vision was obscured and the fight was over. Dan charged with the extinguisher can and smacked Boba Fett in the head with it. He followed it up with another whack, then another, then another, side to side so he couldn't tell which direction it was coming from.
Dan swiped up with the extinguisher and caught Boba in the jaw. His helmet flew off and hit the wall, landed to the floor and cracked. Boba staggered backwards, blood running down his nose and mouth. Dazed, for a moment, Dan's face looked almost exactly like his except for the goatee.
Dan grabbed him by the collar. "You should have NEVER messed with me... or my friends. THIS is for Nicky." He slugged him so hard in the face he felt something break. Boba's body went slack and Dan dropped him like a big Toblerpone.
"Clean up on... whatever the hell aisle this is," Dan announced. No one else was around to hear it except the Doctor.
"Well, that was long, unnecessarily violent and likely very unproductive to say the very least," Doctor Whooves remarked. "Exactly what was the point of picking a fight with heavily-armed, easily agitated legendary bounty hunter in the middle of a hardware store? Does it just unsettle you if you're not clearly the biggest... jerk in any given room? Honestly, WHAT is it we get out of this, hmm?"
Dan lifted up the unconscious Fett's form. "We get a jetpack. And also a disguise."
The Doctor looked unnerved. "You... you're not going to kill him, are you?"
"Nah. Now help me get his armor off and then we'll tie him up."
"Why are we doing this?"
"Doctor, focus," Dan said. "Okay? This is very simple. We are robbing this douche and then we are going to steal everything in this store and put it on his ship, which we will then steal after pinning the blame on him and the Gyro-Hydrogen."
"GenoHaradan."
"Whatever. Take off his metal pants."
The Doctor shook his head. "I don't think I will ever be comfortable around you."
Dan nodded. "Then we're finally on the same page."
Dan and Doctor Whooves stepped outside of the Pone Depot and back into the snow, the winter wasterland that used to be Ponyville. Boba Fett's armor would have fit Dan almost perfectly if not for the damage the human had inflicted upon it. Still, it wasn't uncomfortable and he knew the weapons and tools and gadgets might come in handy. These reasons alone, along with the cold, were still not the main reason Dan had chosen specifically to don Boba Fett's armor. He wore the gear as a final insult/tribute to the defeated hunter, a trophy signifying his triumph and a testament of his strength to anyone else who would dare challenge him. Mostly though, as an insult.
"I'd like to make a rule that we pursue peaceful options before resorting to violence," Doctor Whooves said. "Diplomacy before demolition, if you like."
"I like demolition," Dan stated flatly. "Yeah... I don't like that rule. We're gonna do the uh... the opposite. Demolishing stuff will be first, I mean." He sipped loudly from a soda he'd procured, the straw close to the bottom of the cup so it made a scraping-slurp sound with every guzzle even though it was mostly full.
"Lovely," Whooves said in a scathing tone. Like Dan, the Doctor's emotions also ran close to the surface, albeit more Britishly than Dan. Most Brits were absolute masters of inflection, Doctor Whooves being no exception.
"Look, *sip* doc, *sip* I have a certain way of doing things. And I can tell you do, too. *long sip* So we'll just do whatever we can to get our friends back and- *sip-sip-sip* see how that works. Sound good?"
The Doctor sighed. "I've worked with..." he held his tongue, "people like you before. You're not exactly the easiest sort to work with, but you clearly get results. It's just a question of how many explosions there are before we get those results."
Dan finished his drink, crushed it and tossed it over his shoulder. "First, you've never worked with ANYONE like me before. Second, I ALWAYS get results. And finally, to answer that question Doctor, it's going to be a lot."
The Doctor grinned cloyingly at Dan. "Again, lovely."
"FREEZE!" "Don't move, both of you." "Get your hands and hooves up!"
Distorted voices, mechanical-sounding voices ordered them to surrender. With the snow still falling and it still being apparently night, they couldn't see whoever was shouting at them. The pair looked around but there was nothing but emptiness and snow in every direction.
"What is this? Who-" Dan asked, but then stopped mid-question. A red light flashed over his eyes for an instant and when he moved his hand to shield them, the light focused to a single dot on his hand. Looking downward, he realized the armor he was wearing was now covered in tiny red dots. Sparing a glance at the Doctor, it was clear the pony/Time Lord was in a similar situation. Red laser lights covered his face, neck and a single dot on his trademark bow tie.
Their hands/hooves went up slowly and at the same time. Out of the snow, figures approached them, some walking on two legs and others on four legs. A mixed bunch, indicating local support and likely betrayal. They were all armed with guns of some kind, aimed directly at Dan and the Doctor. Their uniforms were mostly steel-grey with black zebra-pattern stripes, both on the bipeds and quadrupeds, indicating uniformity. The uniforms were full-body, as Dan had expected ever since encountering Enclave goons, only tiny indents on their masks to indicate they had faces.
"Oh good. The discount Cybermen are here, I was wondering when they'd show up," Whooves said through a half-snarl, half-sneer. "Really, now? You have... sixteen agents for just two of us? Do you start out with overkill in mind or is there really nothing better you all have to do?"
"Are you mocking them? They have guns pointed at us and you're mocking them?" Dan asked.
"Yes," Whooves replied. "In fact, I tend to do this quite often. If I'm imperiled or beset upon by danger, I often find making light of the situation to be quite remedial. Levity can even be diffusive, or lead to a solution in its own way," the Doctor explained.
"I do the exact same thing!" Dan exclaimed as the GenoHaradan approached. The Doctor and Dan were almost having a bonding moment when the agents began searching them. They started by removing Boba's helmet from Dan's head. "Hey! I was wearing that; get your own!"
"Silence!" the GenoHaradan responded by slamming Dan with the side of the rifle. "Where is the bounty hunter?"
"Inside," Dan pointed behind them, holding his knees. Without being told, two of the other agents entered the Pone Depot. Coordinated, calculated, cold and efficient, these were not simply hired goons, Dan realized that. The GenoHaradan were professionals, not like the usual lackeys and cronies he tended to deal with. Solar Empire, Enclave, the hippies, most salesmen, assassins were another thing entirely. They did not respond to his threats, they did not respond to his taunts, the GenoHaradan did not respond at all.
The multiverse was something Equestria's most powerful sorcerers had known about. The highest level unicorns knew of summoning, knew of the potential risks, and they knew they were not the only ones capable of such feats. The only governance they found was their own, but that was only part of a larger truth: the only connection they found was the one they made.
There had been many attempts by groups like the United Federation or the Galactic Alliance to create a union among realities. Ambitious tyrannical groups like the Terran Empire and the Dark Axis occasionally made efforts to conquer neighboring dimensions. And space-borne plagues like the Flood or cults like the Unitologists would try to spread their power and influence to infect other universes. They all had one thing in common: they all failed.
Whether by random happenstance or hand of providence, the various realms remained separate. Unable to be united by pen or sword, the only groups that were capable of traveling between dimensions were those that either wanted to keep it a secret or those that could not divulge it, either the most devious or the most innocent, the darkest or purest of heart and intent.
And so, when ponies gazed into the Great Fountain and saw the various worlds and various possibilities, they saw only the countless faces staring back at them. In the same way man looked up at the stars, searching for brethren and finding nothing, so did ponies stare into reality and find mostly disappointment. The multiverse held many things... but too few friends.
Part of a crowd, one of many faces in the grand tapestry of life... and yet you feel no less alone. But there are far, far worse things than being alone.
With that in mind, groups like the GenoHaradan operated in absolute secrecy. Because if you can't control absolutely everything, might as well do what you can and make money doing it. The GenoHaradan were absolutely fine with that. Absolutely fine. Which made them direct enemies of Time Lords.
"They're clean," one of the agents announced.
One of the pony agents stepped forward. "Get rid of them."
"Now, wait a minute-" Dan started to argue. "I'm still with you guys! I just didn't get along with Fetty back in there, we can still be friends!" The two slowly raised their hands and hooves again.
"Really?" the Doctor asked. "Now you want to try diplomacy? I thought you didn't like that rule."
"I'm not with him- can you shoot him first?" Dan asked. "He mocked you, too, I was there!"
Doctor Whooves face-hoofed. "I will NEVER understand Americans."
"My cousin Fran is from Scotland," Dan said.
"That explains so very... nothing, nothing at all, it explains nothing. Stop talking, please."
"I've met important British people before," Dan continued against Whooves' protests. "Like Prime Minister Bean. And James Bond. That uh... the magic kid with the glasses."
The Doctor nodded sourly. "Of course. The classics. I changed my mind- I would like to be shot first."
"And TomSka."
"That's great, Dan, really. Maybe when I visit the 'states' you could introduce me to Barrack Obama or Donald Trump," Whooves said sarcastically.
Which Dan did not get. "Yeah, sure. Who are those guys?"
"You get that I'm not even FROM Earth, right?"
While they were arguing, the GenoHaradan set up a firing line. Swarms of red dots formed one giant red dot on both of their corresponding heads.
The first agent suddenly swung sideways, knocking into the one next to them. That forced the middle one into the one next to them, and in a split second, the firing line was disrupted. For a brief second, there was confusion as the agents tried to recover. Even before they could get up, their weapons levitated out of their hands, gripped by swirling magical power, and hit each one in the head respectively. The three agents were violently beaten, smacked and bashed by their own weapons until the guns had broken to pieces.
The Doctor was a bit more perplexed than Dan, but the human allowed a grin to plaster his face as his arms lowered. It was just something Dan was happy to see.
"What's going on?"
"Our day is getting easier. That's what's going on."
"But wha-"
"Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh," Dan shushed him. "Let karma happen when you see it. It's the autopilot of revenge."
The other GenoHaradan aimed their guns at the floating guns. One of the levitated guns spun and flew into the closest agent. The other two flew at another pair approaching from the side. There was still no sign of any assailant. Until one of the GenoHaradan flew over the others and slammed face-first into the snow. Before he could get up, hooves landed on him from above, hammering him down. Hooves that Dan immediately recognized.
"Open fire! Fire!"
Tattering bullets sprayed from the agents' weapons at the mysterious figure. But none would find their mark. The Mare Do Well's horn produced a shield powerful enough to deflect every shot.
As the first one's clip ran empty, the Mare of Mysteries disappeared. She reappeared in front of the fist agent, or rather, her hoof appeared across his face. The mare followed this up with a swipe from her hoof in the opposite direction, then another and another, back and forth, before finally grabbing his shoulders, vaulting over him and grabbing him simultaneously, using the motion to flip the agent himself over her own head as she landed and into the snow. The agent's back hit the ground like the cracking of a whip, then lay there motionless like an old rug.
Bullets whizzed past her, flew through the space she had a fraction of a second earlier occupied but the Mare Do Well was already gone. In an instant after the vault-flip-smash move, she had already teleported.
"Aah-Aah-Aaah!" But she reappeared just as quickly. Spinning like a top, she appeared over another agent and delivered blow after blow with her hooves as her legs spun. Another flash and she was gone, leaving the agent to collapse to the ground.
She teleported to another GenoHaradan, uppercut his jaw with her hoof and then delivered a straight jab straight to the stomach. Still, there were many agents; time and energy were in limited supply. She grabbed him by the arm and judo-flipped him over her back, crashing him to the snow on his back. A final quick smack to the side of the head was enough to render him unconscious before she had to teleport again.
Flashing to another, a quadruped this time, she grabbed him by the right foreleg and bent it hard enough to snap.
"Yaaaaaaahhh!!" Screaming in pain, it alerted the other agents who had lost track of Mare Do Well. As she had planned. The agents opened fire on their own comrade, riddling him with bullets. No surprise the bullets didn't penetrate much of the armored suits they wore, but something might have hit as she used the helpless pony as a shield. Quickly, she grabbed a knife from his belt with her magic and threw it at one of the firing agents.
"Auugh!"
"Wait!" Before the pony agent hit the ground, she teleported to the one impaled with the knife. Still firing with his gun, she pushed his weapon from the side, changing the direction of his fire into his comrade. Bullets caught another pony in the chest and mask, sending them tumbling over into the snow.
Drew another knife from the second fallen pony and teleported to another agent to slash at their legs, then impale them. Drew a knife from that agent and shot it like an arrow using levitation magic into the neck of a charging agent. Both agents hit the ground at exactly the same time.
In the space of less than a minute, the entire team of assassins had been dealt with in every essence of the word. Finally, one of them got smart. Or at least tried to.
"Don't move!" A final GenoHaradan agent, possibly the leader or at least the leader now that everyone else was incapacitated, appeared behind Dan. He grabbed the human and clutched him to his chest, aiming his gun at Dan's own head, looking around frantically. "Show yourself! Surrender or the captain dies!"
And Dan simply grabbed him by the arm and punched him in the face. Over. And over. And over. "Oh, did you think you could be smart? Holding me as a hostage? Does that seem like a smart idea?"
"Ollgh-!"
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well over the sound of my fist hitting what I think is your jaw. Is this your jaw? I think it's your jaw. Pretty sure those are teeth I feel dislodging. Hope you like eating through tubes." Finally, Dan picked the beaten agent up and headbutted his head, knocking him out cold. The face of the GenoHaradan agent looked like a bruised and worn gym bag, neither of the lighted eyes worked.
The Doctor was mid-recoiling from shock. "That... they... they're all..." He looked around. "They're all dead. They're ALL dead."
"That does tend to happen around me," Dan admitted.
"They're ALL dead!"
"Well, not all of them. In fact, most of them will probably be fine, even the stabbed and shot ones. Usually how things work out," Dan said.
"Oh, well how fantastic! Good to know the people trying to murder us will be right as rain!"
"I'm sorry. Did you want to kill one?" Dan asked. "I'm sure we could find more evil henchmen and pony cronies around here somewhere. They're not exactly uncommon."
And that was when the Mare Do Well approached them. "Speaking of uncommon," Dan said. "What kept you?"
The Mysterious Mare Do Well took off her hat and removed her mask. Yes, it was Rarity. "Well, it's nice to see you too, Dan," she said, sounding somewhat genuine, exhausted and just slightly chastising all at the same time. "Hello, Doctor."
The Doctor grabbed her hoof, kissed it and then shook it rapidly. "Miss Rarity, how good to see you again! And while we're on the subject, if you don't mind me asking, WHAT IN BLAZES KEPT YOU?!?!"
Dan folded his arms. "Were you wanting to make an entrance or just fashionably late, dahling?" he asked in an exaggerated fancy voice.
Rarity frowned at him. "Don't start. Please."
"Fair enough. Better late than us getting shot." Dan, the Doctor and Rarity shared a group hug.
"It's... it's good to have you back, Rarity," Dan said, clear that he meant it. The last of Twilight's missing friends, who were now missing again, they were finally all reunited. Or they would have been if they weren't all again. Somehow, though, there was great relief in having found Rarity. Dan hugged the purple-maned dressmaker tightly, sparing none of it.
"I missed you, too... darling."
"She said 'darling.' She actually said it," Dan remarked.
"Is that a good thing?" Whooves asked.
Dan nodded. "It is. It's going to make people so happy or slightly irritated. Probably both."
"Probably both indeed," Rarity agreed.
"I have no idea what either of you are talking about," a grinning Doctor said. "And I'm fine with that."
So, they took some time to take all of the GenoHaradan, all of which turned out to be unconscious but alive, and put them in the Pone Depot as per the Doctor's request. Dan would have been very happy letting them get slowly buried in the snow but the TimeLord was having none of it. As they tied up the rest of the aggressors up with Boba Fett, Dan and Rarity exchanged information, getting each other up to date as to what had happened since they last saw each other.
Dan's retelling of events was a bit exaggerated and since Phoenix Wright wasn't around, the Doctor had to clarify things. Often. But bit by bit, she was able to piece together a good picture of what had happened in her absence.
"So Vice is really dead and Rice has been... pretending... to be his son this entire time?" Dan asked.
Rarity nodded, propping up another body on the shelf next to a big Toblerpone. "It does make some amount of sense."
"No it doesn't. None of this makes sense at all," Dan said. But then, he noticed two sets of eyes staring at him and said, "Fine, continue."
"Well, his own name and likeness would be easily recognized. And a fake identity, well, it has its own drawbacks. But masquerading as his own... tragically deceased offspring is, well, a bit easier. Especially one completely forgotten about," Rarity explained. "From what I read of his notes, it was also a way for him to deal with the pain of loss, a way of keeping his son alive to him."
Dan shivered a bit. "Whatever. It's still creepy."
Rarity sighed. "The pain he feels... it's something no one in Equestria fully understands. Perhaps on Earth, someone, but not here, not Equestria. Not even the princesses could fully comprehend what the chancellor has gone through."
Dan shoved another body onto the shelf. "I understand I'm going to reunite him with his son. I don't need to fully comprehend a damn thing about him- I'll end his pain. He kidnapped my friends and tried to murder us all, tried to destroy everything I care about and even the things I didn't care about. He MADE me care about them. Because even THEY don't deserve to die. But him?" Dan looked away for a long moment. "He doesn't get sympathy from me."
"You're a lot like him," the Doctor said.
"I know."
"You even sound like him."
"I KNOW!!" Dan roared.
"But that's the problem," Rarity interjected. "You're too much like him."
"Okay, marshmallows? I know you just got back, but you really-"
"No," Rarity said, approaching him directly, "This is a problem. In more ways than one. I had to sneak away from the Ore Hounds three times, I've been fighting this fight as much as you have, Dan. You cannot hope to beat this pony by simply using his own strategy against him."
"Yes I can."
She sighed frustratedly. "It's NOT practical, sweetheart."
"You knew, you ALL knew exactly who I was when you took me in. I had no options; it was you- you, Twilight, the princesses, everypony, you all accepted me for who I was, not who I could be," Dan said.
"I recall you swearing an oath, captain," Rarity countered. She tossed her mane to the side, looking at him with one eye. She was still Rarity, even after all this time. "You swore to protect Equestria and its citizens. Because we took you in as we did."
"And how many times have I LITERALLY saved the world now? Like, at lest four or five times, right? There's the first Magic Gear, the second one at Christmas, all the ones in the Crystal Empire we blew up, the underground factory that was building another universe under our own FEET. And all the other crap I've done since then," Dan fumed.
"What if it came between your friends and revenge?" Rarity asked.
Dan batted it away. "We've answered that before."
"No, what if it REALLY came between revenge and your friends? What if we needed you to stop?"
The human looked at her right in the eyes. He did not blink. "I don't stop. But I can do both, Rarity. We can save our friends and get revenge."
She shook her head slowly. "You are impossibly... selfish."
He grabbed her by the shoulder. "You're saying I don't see things from your perspective. But you're not looking at things from mine."
"Only you could do that and you know it!"
"I DO know it!" Dan said, surprising her a bit. "I know how this is. I KNOW how it looks. I KNOW how I am! And I CHOOSE to be this way. This is MY decision!!" he said, grabbing his shirt, showing to her the word emblazoned on the front in bold. "I'm not asking for blind faith. I'm not asking for faith of any kind- you gave that to me on your own. I'm asking you to trust me."
Rarity thought about his words for a few long moments. "I... I believe I understand you."
"Fantastic! That makes one of us," the Doctor declared. "Because honestly, all this obsession with you and YOUR problems is not healthy. Literally. For anyone. For the whole planet!!"
"Doc, this is how we do things."
"AND THE WORLD HAS ENDED." The Doctor let the statement hang in the air, breathing deeply as it did. "It is absolutely bloody MADDENING how DAFT you people have to be to just keep going on like this when you know, you KNOW that HALF of these problems are your own fault!!"
Dan and Rarity exchanged a glance. "Well... hey. Half is a lot. Give us some credit; it's more like, uh... a third."
"YOU DESTROYED PONYVILLE," the Doctor declared. "And EVERYTHING you've done has only made Rice stronger. He STUDIED you and you KNEW he STUDIED you."
"So..." they exchanged another look.
"I'm sorry, Doctor, but what is it you're saying?"
"What am I saying?!" the Doctor rubbed his mane. "I'm saying you could've used that to your advantage! Just give the poor bastard what he wants, collaborate with him and sabotage him from within! Honestly, he offered to work with you how many times?"
"Oooohhhhhhhhh..." Dan said, nodding. "Yeahhh... oh. Actually... yeah, that's a pretty good plan. We probably could've helped Rice build one of his crappy Sword Spells and found a way to sabotage his operations from inside."
"And rescued the princesses and everypony else at the same time..." Rarity admitted.
"Heck, if I'd just agreed to that when he first offered, we could've probably stopped the princesses from even being kidnapped in the first place," Dan remarked. "We could've prevented this whole crisis."
"AHHHHHHHHH!!!" Doctor Whooves yelled. He ran outside, very nearly yanking his own mane out as he did so.
"I do believe he seems a tad troubled," Rarity said.
"He'll get over it. He's a TimeLard. Or whatever. He's got time," Dan declared. They followed him outside.
They found Doctor Whooves in the snow with his back towards them. He quickly spun around. "Sorry about all that."
"No... problem?" Dan said, a little confused.
"Are you alright, deary? Do you need to take a break?"
"Oh no, I'm fine. Just fine, really. Shall we allons-y?"
"Sure..." Dan and Rarity both uttered, now a mixture of concerned and confused. "So, where are we going now?"
"Well, if our plan is to reach Donquestria, we need to get to Appleloosa first. That means we need to find a train."
"Weather's not going to make that easy," Doctor Whooves said.
"The railroads are about the only thing Rice wouldn't demolish," Dan said. "He basically invented trains on Equestria, right? He'd never get rid of the train tracks."
"Right. So we just have to find the railroad tracks in the middle of a blizzard," Doctor Whooves said. "But maybe..."
"What?"
"There's the switching station at Ford Junction north of Ponyville. It's part of the railroad tracks, so if the tracks are there, it should still be there," Whooves said.
"I thought everything south of Canterlot was destroyed," Rarity said.
Dan shrugged. "Can't hurt to look. Lead the way, Doctor!"
"Right!" The snow continued to fall, but there were three of them now. They braved the winter weather, headed north in search of a train.
Dan, Rarity and the Doctor trudged through the snow for what must've been a couple hours at least. Without any landmarks and with little visibility, they had no idea of knowing what time it was or where they were. Night eventually fell upon them, however, or what passed for it in this new Equestria, and they were forced to fall back. Fortunately, they were able to retrace their steps and use approximate directions to find their way back to Pone Depot.
"Oh, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you," Dan proclaimed, falling to his knees as he entered the homewares store. "Pone Depot, you are so beautiful. Warm... warm hardware provider of my dreams, don't ever change." He curled up into a fetal position as snow melted off of him.
"Yes... yes, the warmth is quite refreshing. Let's not walk out into a blizzard again, shall we?" Doctor Whooves asked.
"Agreed," Dan and Rarity both said, one right after the other. They were all sweaty, cold and exhausted.
Rarity pulled down her Mare Do Well cowl. "I think I'll find something to whip up a meal. A hot meal."
"Yes! Hot meal!"
Dan pointed from his floor position towards one end of the store. "Camping... camping section is that way."
"Thank you, Dan." She cantered off, hoofs clacking quickly on the floor to retrieve foodstuffs and things to heat said foodstuffs with.
A little over half an hour later, they had created a makeshift camp in the middle of Pone Depot. Dan removed Boba Fett's helmet so he could eat. Speaking of Boba Fett, both he and the prisoners will still subdued but hungry, so they took turns feeding them.
"Open wide, Fett," Dan said. "Come on. Here comes the... space bounty ship. Or whatever."
Fett made no sounds. He looked at Dan with cold, unblinking eyes. Wrists and legs bound to a shelf in an 'X', he was in a pair of grey trunks and nothing else, body surprisingly only slightly scarred. He did not speak, he did not do anything beyond watch Dan.
"It's beef stew. You want it or not?"
"We're pretty similar, aren't we?"
"I dunno. I go with briefs sometimes."
Boba cracked a tiny grin, lips as thin as the blade of a knife. "You're not here because anyone wanted you here. You're here becau-" He would've continued, but Dan used the opportunity to shove the food down his throat.
"Just shut up and eat, moron! Whaddaya know, another know-it-all who thinks they've figured it out. Every where I look, seems like I run across yet another 'genius' who thinks they have any clue what's going on on this planet," Dan said, feeding the captive Fett. "Grade-A idiots like you are practically falling out of the sky."
"Is that how you got here?" Boba asked, smirking again between bites.
Dan sighed heavily and gave up. "You know what, you can have dinner alone. I'm guessing you prefer it that way, anyway." He placed the can of Aggresso-brand beef stew, a Progresso knockoff, in one hand and the spoon in the other, knowing there was no way he could feed himself while tied up. Dan did not care. He returned to the camp.
Because it can't be overstated, Dan's emotions towards most other people at any given time ranged somewhere between 'fuck off' and 'die,' sometimes switching it up with the ever-popular 'fuck off and die.'
Rarity pushed a cart over to the side full of assorted guns, knives and other devices.
"I assume that's all of the assassins' toys?"
"Everything I could find."
"You searched them all thoroughly, right?" Dan pressed. Rarity responded with just an unimpressed glare.
They gathered around the makeshift campfire, which consisted of a cheap space heater disguised as a campfire, and ate canned stew. Unlike the Tesco or the Sainsburys which were nowhere to be found, Pone Depot lacked food aside from novelty candies and camping supplies. The trio slept for the night in tents, camping in the camping section, but happy to be warm, relatively comfortable and fed. The next day, Dan tried two different plans to find the train station before noon. And they were both two different versions of the same plan.
"Alright, we are ready to go!" Dan announced, sitting atop his contraption, holding the salvaged bar of a shopping cart. He looked over his shoulder. "What are you guys doing back there?"
"We, uh..."
"We wanted to get the optimum distance to observe your, uh, test drive," Rarity said.
"Oh good, yes, that," the Doctor heartily agreed.
Dan shrugged. "Whatever. You guys are next," he said, lowering his helmet.
"Sure we are."
"Just going to take a short trip around the block first," Dan announced. The human had crafted and was now attempting to drive a vehicle constructed out of four stainless-steel propane grills, a shopping cart, a flatbed cart, two bicycles, eight feet of rubber hose, a bunch of pipes and a metric fuckton of duct tape.
"Good luck, Dan!" Rarity said from behind a concrete barricade designed to withstand hurricane-force winds. It wasn't makeshift; Pone Depot actually sells those. Just to be safe, she was also wearing a helmet, as was the Doctor.
"Won't need it!" Dan then ignited the propane-powered engines. The cart-contraption began to roll forward.
"What he'll need is a hospital," the Doctor remarked.
Arlen, Texas Strickland Propane- Propane and Propane Accessories Dealership
Hank Hill, the assistant manager of Strickland Propane, had been in the middle of a thirty-five minute sales meeting with the staff at the dealership. He had been discussing at length the company's new business strategy(which was exactly the same as their old strategy) while Buck Strickland, the manager and owner, slept off a hangover in his office down the hall. Hank was addressing the seventh point of his presentation for the eighth time when he suddenly stopped.
"Uh, Hank?" Enrique asked. "Hank?"
Hank was staring into space as if an event of some kind was playing before his eyes, imprinted on his glasses. His mouth worked out words but made no sound.
Joe Jack, who had almost fallen asleep, noticed the lack of silence. "You doin' okay, honey?"
"I... I don't know," Hank said. "I feel... I feel like something horrible's about to happen. I don't know where, but I think there's someone in danger somewhere."
"Wow," Larry Butz said, resting his feet on a propane tank. "I'm really glad I'm not them."
Dan looked back at Rars and Doc over his shoulder. "Work's fine!" And then it exploded. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"
The GenoHaradan agents, also bound to one of the shelves, were able to see the fiery eruption and even feel the heat. They laughed uncontrollably as Dan rocketed to the ceiling and came down in a burnt, flaming mess.
Rarity and Doctor Whooves rushed to the blackened spot Dan landed on. Fortunately, Boba Fett's armor had taken most of the damage, and now fell of Dan in charred clumps as he got up.
"Dan? Dan sweetie, are you alright?"
He handed her the burnt handlebars. "I'm fine. Now, it's your turn." He collapsed onto the floor.
"That's right Dan, take a nice rest," Whooves said. The sprinkler system then activated again, adding more fuel to the failure. Doctor Whooves looked at the twisted metal with a glint in his eye. "But maybe you have given me an idea."
"One with a few less explosions, yes?" Rarity ask/suggested.
Dan was perfectly, perfectly fine letting others take the lead. And that's an extra perfect more than just the regular perfect, but they were both kind of sarcastic, mostly because someone else being in charge unnerved him. Still, he was fine letting others lead. WHEN they knew what they were doing. About twenty minutes after they once again braved the snow, it was clear that it was not the case.
"Doctor..."
"-but if there WAS a way to have gotten her out at THAT time, I would have tried it! And I know I would have been able to do it, even if I wasn't dealing with Cybermen and Daleks AT THE SAME TIME!"
"Doctor..." Dan said again, through gritted teeth.
"And it's not like this hasn't happened before. Gonna have to install some kind of training module in the TARDIS when I finally get back and... well, find it, first. But on the job training is just so awful, don't you agree? So I'm going to have to start doing SOMETHING for the new companions so they don't wind up like Derpy-"
"DOCTOR!" Dan yelled. "We've been going around in circles for the past ten minutes, you bow-tied nimrod!" He snatched the burnt piece of metal from Doctor Whooves' hooves. "What is this even supposed to be?"
"A dowsing rod. Also called a divining rod and can be used to-"
Dan facepalmed hard. His gloved hand hit his face, wiped downward and when it finally passed his chin, he was smiling. "Doctor, what are dowsing rods used for?"
"Finding water or useful buried ores."
"Exactly," Dan nodded. "Water or minerals. And what happens to be surrounding us right now?"
The Doctor sighed. "Snow?"
"SNOW!!" Dan swung the 'dowsing rod,' nearly hitting Whooves in the head. "WE CAN'T DOWSE FOR ANYTHING IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLIZZARD! It would be like expecting to get good use of a metal detector INSIDE AN IRON MINE!"
"Yes, but... I thought," the Doctor looked around nervously, as if searching for the answer on the ground. "I thought that... maybe, since the rails are metal, they might cause a stronger reaction?"
Dan stopped. "You know, that might actually work. IF THIS WAS A DOWSING ROD!!!" He chucked the piece of metal into the distance.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I just... I was thinking on my feet, well, hooves, but-"
"Will you SHUT UP for two seconds?!"
Doctor recoiled. "I'm sorry!"
"SHUT UP!!!!!" Dan shouted, loud enough to echo in the blizzard somehow. For a moment, there was just silence as more snow fell. "Look... I know you're not exactly brimming with confidence right now. You've been shaken up, it happens. You need to relax when that happens. If you're not sure of your footing, thinking on your feet is not the best option."
"I know, I just..." the Doctor looked down. "While you were missing, I tried to rescue everypony else myself. But Rice... he tricked me. Derpy had an idea to have us infiltrate his evil lair through the mail room."
"You know, you actually said this already. While you were rambling on and on trying to dowse for the railroad in a blizzard," Dan interjected.
The Doctor nodded. "Yes, but what I didn't tell you was... was that Rice can duplicate my technology. He caught us, was threatening Derpy unless I gave up the TARDIS... my sonic screwdriver and everything else. I don't even know how he KNEW I was The Doctor but..."
"You're telling me you didn't just announce 'I'm the Doctor' when he first found out about you?"
"Alright I did, but he had no way of knowing about those other things," Whooves said, holding his head. "Urrggh, he has no idea what kind of damage he could do, what he's holding onto."
Dan shrugged. "That's never stopped him before, unfortunately. He's an idiot that calls himself a genius scientist. He lost his son over some kind of racist or political issue with the princesses of old Equestria. Basically, he hates magic and wants to create a new Equestria from Earth which has no magic so that he can rule over the world Equestria could have been. And get revenge on the regime responsible for his son's death at the same time."
"Heh heh," Doc chuckled. "He's not the first to try that. It never works out."
"Again, that's never stopped him before. I might actually be sympathetic if he hadn't tried to murder me and my friends," Dan remarked. "For all the talk of superiority and techno-garbage, he just wants his kid back." His eyes drifted down for a moment. Something about what he said did make him feel just a pang of sadness. He was suddenly reminded of Chrys, Fluffle Puff, Phoenix, Twilight and Spike.
Rice didn't have a big family. Dan, since coming to Equestria, suddenly found himself with what he was beginning to call his very large family. What would happen if he lost his family? Wouldn't he stop at nothing to get them back?
Wouldn't he stop at nothing?
"Uh, Doc?"
"Yes?"
"Where's Rarity?"
"Oh, uhhh..." The pair began to look around frantically. "Rarity! RARITY!!!"
"We just got you back! We can't lose you again, that's not fair to anyone!"
"RARITY!" "RARITY!!!!"
"Boys," Rarity said. "There's really no need to be so loud. I'm quite alright."
"Rarity!" Dan grabbed and hugged her. "Oh, thank goodness. We thought we lost you again! If we lost you in the blizzard, we might never have found you!"
Rarity pulled away. "Because of my white coat? Darling, you do realize we're still all wearing winter clothes, don't you?"
"I know but... you could have... lost those, too or... something," Dan stammered. "Whatever. You're back now." In truth, Dan was actually happy he found Rarity because it was one of the earlier goals before Ponyville's destruction. So, in Dan's mind, he kind of was considering Rarity's return as a win for him. His only win lately.
"I'm fine, Dan. And I found the railroad."
"WHAT?!" the males exclaimed.
"Shush. Lower your voices and follow me. Quickly!"
"But how did you find the railroad?" Rarity asked.
"I went to get the 'dowsing rod' after Dan threw it and it was next to the rail."
"Oh," the males went again.
Dan nodded. "When your first plan fails, try something extremely random."
"I like to say 'Hold tight and pretend it's a plan!'" the Doctor added.
"I'm sure you do." They followed Rarity through the blizzard. Her horn lit the way through the falling snow.
Rarity had not just found the train, she had also found what appeared to be a new train station. With a train at it. Seemingly out of nowhere, an entire assembly area seemed to materialize. But they also found they were not alone. Not GenoHaradan agents, however- it was Team Rocket. And Writhe N. Payne was leading them.
The sour-looking perpetually sweat-soaked lawyer was on top of a train car with a couple Rocket Grunts when he noticed Dan and the others. He adjusted his glasses, spotting all three of them the exact same time they saw him.
"Hey!" Dan pointed, "It's that asshole again!"
"Perfect, it's that asshole again," Writhe said, sneering. "Well? What are you idiots waiting for?! Shoot them!!"
The grunts opened fire with a pair of submachine guns. Bullets perforated the snow but Rarity produced a shield fast enough to protect them.
"Start the train! Get us out of here!" Writhe shouted. The yellow pony produced a pistol of his own and fired a few parting shots at the shielded group.
"When did that yellow-bellied law loser get the courage to actually shoot at us?!" Dan yelled, crouching behind the shield.
"He may be a coward, but he's also greedy. They often get bold when there's something valuable nearby," Whooves said.
Rarity nodded. "What we'd do for our friends, he's willing to do for money."
"Or himself. Doctor, help me lift the lady."
The train started rolling, albeit slowly. More Rocket Grunts scrambled to get on as it parted, but once they found a suitable position to hang or crouch on the train, began firing from the same black submachine guns with little red 'R's on them.
"Mr. Payne, they're not stopping! Grenade!" One of the grunts tossed a grenade that exploded almost as soon as it hit the ground. A cloud of gas blew forth from the blast, but not a second later did Dan, Rarity and Doctor Whooves come charging through. The stallion and human held the unicorn's legs while her head was lowered, shielding them with her magic. With their own legs free, the men ran with the mare, using her as a ram of sorts.
"Dan darling?" She looked behind her.
But the human was too focused. With the Doctor's eyes averted as he held and charged with her hindlegs, Dan was left to steer. And he steered Rarity right into the side of the train, using her as a battering ram. Of sorts.
*KUNG*
Payne was already making his way to the train's engine when the impact reverberated through the freight cars. The train shook but continued rolling on, gaining speed as it pushed through the snow. Yeah, it can apparently keep going even when snow is completely covering the tracks like a foot deep. Polar Express ain't got shit on the Payne Train.
The Rockets stopped firing as the train gained speed. Dan, Rarity and Doctor Whooves were too dazed to pursue immediately and take advantage of its slow acceleration to climb on.
"I recommend AGAINST... st-strongly AGAINST bashing our heads into any more train cars. Or similarly sturdy objects from now on," Doctor Whooves said.
"I'll bash your head into wh... whatever I want," Dan said, struggling to stand.
"The train is getting away!" Rarity exclaimed.
"We're not letting it!" Dan said, giving chase. Reluctantly, Rarity and Whooves followed him. And that lasted for less than a minute before Dan grabbed his knees.
"We need... something."
"I don't think we'll be able to rely on the train schedule," Whooves commented.
"I have an idea!" Dan jumped on the Doctor's back. "Hi-ho Doctor! AwaAAAAAAAGH!" The pair fell over as Doctor Whooves collapsed. Even as a pony, he was not equipped to carry others.
"I don't think that's going to work," Rarity said. She then raised a hoof, "Perhaps they left behind something at the train station!"
"It's worth a shot. Come on!"
They ran back to the train station. And they found the most intriguing things. The most incredible, useful, miraculous things they could have found outside an abandoned train station being used by black market mobsters. They found-
"Boxes!" Dan exclaimed. "Doctor, I've found something to bash your head into."
"Polite decline," Whooves said.
"Dan, use this," Rarity said, hovering the dowsing rod over to him.
Whooves nodded. "Yes! Now we can use it on these boxes to dowse for something useful!"
"Or." Dan whacked the side of the nearest crate with the piece of metal. He continued whacking violently until it broke open. "That."
And inside, they found a vehicle that would help them catch up to that train.
Dan couldn't believe it. He blinked, blinked again hard and shook his head but the image before he stayed the same. His eyes were not lying. In front of him now, inside the shipping crate was something he never thought he'd see again. Something he loved, truly loved out of all the other things in the world. One thing that had his heart.
"My... my..." his voice quivered, until finally it burst forth from him a shout, "MY CAR!!!!!!!!!"
"Dan-"
He ran forward into the shipping container. And right into the false wall. Hard enough to break it, apparently, because he ran right through and fell flat on the floor in the middle of a pile of splintered wood.
Rarity and Doco popped their heads through. "Dan?"
"Are you all right, Dan?"
"Why..." the human moaned sadly. "Who would do something like that? It's so cruel..."
"Does he normally act like this?"
"No," Rarity shook her head. "I-I think this is the first time I've ever seen him sad."
"WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!" Dan raged. In a single motion he rose to his knees and shouted a deafening roar, pieces of wood clutched tight in his fists, slowly breaking to smaller pieces. "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!"
"There we go. And we're back to anger again," Whooves said.
Face redder than the fake picture of the car he'd just destroyed, Dan got to his feet, huffing and declared, "I'M GOING TO MURDER THE NEXT THING I SEE! WITH MY FINGER NAILS ALONE!!!" Rarity and the Doctor removed themselves from the container. "I WILL KILL, BURN AND EAT THE NEXT THING THAT I- wait." The usual pale color returned to his face. "There ARE vehicles in here."
Rarity and Doctor popped back in. "Oh? Good! What are they?"
"Couple'a quadbikes," Dan said, mounting one of them. Two four-wheel ATVs, quadbikes, were at the back of the shipping container. They were both painted jet black, had rugged tires and, to Dan's pleasant surprise, were fully fueled up. "Well? What are you two waiting for?! Get on, we've got a train to catch!"
"Well, er, emm..."
"Dan darling, are you quite sure you know how to operate one of those?"
"Sure!" Dan eagerly replied. "Just like driving my tank only smaller and without the added fun of a cannon. NOW GET ON!! No wait, you two take that one."
"Right. Shall I drive?" Whooves asked. "So you can do your protective spell thingy?"
Rarity nodded. "Splendid idea, Doctor."
"Follow my lead!" Dan shouted and gunned his bike. It immediately sped in reverse and smashed through the back of the container, flipped and threw Dan on the ground. "Owwww... oowwwaaaa owwwwww..."
"I'd be a touch more inclined to follow your lead if it didn't go through so much crippling pain and anguish," Doctor Whooves remarked.
"It was in reverse!!" Dan yelled. "Who would park a bike in reverse?!"
"Someone who backs into a shipping container," Rarity and Doctor said simultaneously.
"Shut up. Let's just go."
The train was just about to exit the Ponyville city limits when they caught up to it. The constant snowfall didn't seem to deter the train at all. The Friendship Express and Ponyville Express were the normal trains that rain through Equestria, named so because they were primarily passenger trains. Two other trains, the Right Stuff Express and the Harmony Express delivered mostly cargo. Flim and Flam frequently petitioned for use of the rails to test their own trains, but railway authorities denied them use of their own private train.
"I see it! It's coming up!" And no sooner had Dan spoken those words than the Team Rocket Grunts on the caboose of the train start firing at them.
Puffs of snow bursted into the air as their shots hammered the ground. Not as accurate as the GenoHaradan; Team Rocket Grunts were not militarily trained or inclined. Still, Dan swerved to avoid the oncoming fire and Rarity projected her shield and took the lead to protect them.
"If I don't get my sonic screwdriver back, and really I fully intend to, I'm just saying, but I want a wand," Doctor Whooves said. Over the howling wind the fire of automatic weapons, the Doctor proclaimed, "I just really want a wand."
"Now's not the time, Doctor!" Rarity yelled. She clutched him by the shoulders, forcing him to hunker down on the bike as she shielded them. About half the bullets fired at them actually bounced off her magic shield while the rest just hit around them. Dan also lowered himself on the bike and took up position behind them, keeping close.
The Doctor gritted his teeth, eyes narrowed as rounds sparked off the shield. "Rarity, I can't see! You're gonna have to do something about them shooting at us!"
Rarity's horn glowed again and the shield gained a windshield wiper.
"Not really helpful, but keep trying!"
"Dan!" Rarity called over her shoulder, "We can't get on the train with them shooting at us! Distract them somehow!"
"With what?!!" Dan looked around. "Wait, I got something!" He pulled out a weapon that had been strapped to the back. Dollar's Special Change-For-A-Buck Shotgun was imprinted on the side of it.
"Is that a shotgun?!"
"Let's find out!" Dan fired the gun. A fireball launched from the gun and exploded on the back of the train. The force of the shot was so powerful that it flung out of Dan's grip. Fortunately, Rarity caught it with her own magic grip very quickly and returned it to him. "Sorry! I'm more of a pistol and punching kinda guy. One more time!"
He fired the shot gun again. An electric bolt shot from the gun instead. "Ha! Hahaha!" Once again, the gun's recoil almost lifted it out of his hand. "I get it now; CHANGE for a BUCK."
"It changes every time it fires, yes, that's quite nice. I'm sure the mayhem is soon to follow," Whooves commented.
"THIS SHOTGUN FILLS ME WITH AN AWESOME POWER!!" Dan declared, suddenly rising to stand on the quadbike. "IT'S BURNING CHAMBER TELLS ME TO DEFEAT YOU!" He fired again, launching a rock that hit the train and exploded in rocky fury. Fired again, and again, and again, each time a different thing. The caboose shook with each shot until finally, it flipped over and disconnected from the train, breaking off like a bent branch.
"Doctor, keep your head down!"
"What are you doing?!"
Rarity turned around. She picked up Dan with her magic. "Sometimes, one must make proper use of mayhem!"
"HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAAHA HA HA-HAAAAA!" Dan laughed manically and unloaded round after elementally-infused round at the train. Once he compensated for the gun's massive recoil properly, it was easy.
Dollars switched off nightvision mode as he walked to the other side of the container. His partner, Jake, was waiting for him, standing just inside the container. Neither of the two men could see each others' faces in full HEAVI(Hazardous Environment Advanced Vector Impact) armor suits. But they didn't need to; it was obvious they both knew what the other was thinking. Just one was a bit quieter about it.
"FUCK," Dollars exclaimed, his first line in the story and an apt one at that. "This HAS to be the right crate. It's got the ONI insignia on it. But our stuff is gone."
Jake said nothing. Through his polarized visor, D-man could tell he was staring back at him. Staring knowingly. Disappointedly.
Dollars looked back at him and, engaging in a battle of silence the junior helljumper knew he would lose. "Just gonna do the 'Silent Bob' treatment on every mission? We're not even on active duty right now. And this WASN'T my fault."
Before Jake could say anything, or continue not saying anything, a chainsaw began sawing through the other side of the container. The cut board fell inward, landing a couple feet from where Jake and Dollars were standing. Another pair of armor-clad troopers stepped inside, but the ODST duo did not recognize them. Neither did the new arrivals recognize the troopers from the Halo universe.
The two new soldiers, Damon Baird and Fiona Carmine, were wearing party hats. And they were carrying a large freshly-caught marlin wearing Aquaman's clothes.
"Uhh..." Baird started, glancing at his companion, and then said "Uhhh....we'll come back another time." The two COG soldiers then left with their fish.
Dollars did a double-take between the hole and his partner. "Who the fuck were they?!"
Dan fired at the train again and again with the random, constantly-changing shotgun. Unfortunately, some of the rounds were completely ineffective against the train; sometimes, it fired cupcakes or streamers. However, it was a big enough distraction that the Doctor was able to drive Rarity up to the train and let her hop on. After that, Rarity was able to easily teleport the Team Rocket Grunts off the train.
"Aaahhh!" *BLAM* Dan shot one as he fell, setting the grunt aflame before he landed in the snow.
Doctor Whooves ducked as another hapless Team Rocket henchman was flung off the train. "Are we absolutely sure we're not killing anyone?!"
"Relax, Doctor! This story's still rated Everyone!"
"This story hasn't been rated "Everyone" in a months!!"
"Oh," Dan said. "Well... they'll be fine," he added, shooting one out of the air and then deliberately running him over, causing the grunt's screams to be drowned out by the immediately-following crunch of bone... and face.
Looking back over his shoulder, the Doctor saw the whole thing. "What do you call that, exactly?! That's PRECISELY what I'm talking-" and more crunching noises interrupted him as Doctor Whooves himself ran completely over an anime criminal. "Oh feck..."
"EYES ON THE ROAD, LIME-LORD!"
The Doctor shook his head. "I'm not even sure who you're insulting any more."
Dan drove alongside him. "Don't you mean 'Whooves?'" he asked, grinning.
"No. No, I don't. And you should feel horrible for saying that."
Dan continued grinning. "I don't~"
Rarity, being the only one with her head in the game, suddenly appeared in front of Doctor Whooves. The two of them then vanished in a blue flash of her magic. She then appeared in front of Dan, gently put her hooves on both of his hands and teleported him as well. When they reappeared, they were inside of the train car Dan had been shooting at.
"Ah, that worked out well. Commendable job as always, Rarity."
"Thank you, Dan," she said, wiping the sweat from her forehead. "It's not easy, though, when I'm trying my best not to hurt them."
Both Dan and Doctor looked at her with a bit of a 'wut' face. "You stabbed like... twenty guys when you first showed up," Dan said.
"Also, we ran over at least two... possibly more," Doctor Whooves said.
Dan nodded. "Yeah, I guess we kill people now."
"Yeah, I guess we kill people now." ~ Dan How this story apparently rectified its own violent shift in content. Brought to you by Dan.
"Whatever. It's only Team Rocket, anyway."
And as if on cue, another Team Rocket Grunt entered the train car, weapon drawn. And the moment he had entered the train car, his neck was immediately snapped by a ninja-teleporting Rarity.
"Dear gods, woman! Are you just compelled now to-" Dan smacked the Doctor in the face. "OW!"
"Doctor, you NEVER refer to a lady as 'woman' in that tone," Dan said.
Eyes closed, Whooves rubbed his cheek. "I... apologize. I would like to remind you both that I am... not quite myself right now."
"It's fine, Doctor," Rarity said. "And Dan, the point is, we're safe."
"Yes. On an armored freight train full of armed criminals. Safe as can be," Dan said, kneeling down. "Fortunately, I am quite myself right now. And safety is one of my specialties." He rose carrying the body of the Team Rocket Grunt.
"What... what are you going to do with that man?"
Dan stared straight ahead. "I'm going to perform a safety inspection. Stay behind me."
"You're going to beat everyone to death with that corpse, aren't you?" Whooves asked.
"Dan, darling, that's a bit much even for you."
"Dan, you can't beat everyone to death with a dead body and even as I'm saying it, I'm watching you march off to do exactly that, because you won't listen, will you? No, you don't ever listen to anyone if it's something you're absolutely sure you want to do, and I know this isn't the time to object but really, have we lost abandoned absolutely ALL decency? I mean, are we really at the point where we've been doing this for so long that we've just forgotten all restraint?"
As he finished his series of run-on sentence commentary, like he does sometimes, the Doctor realized he was alone in the rear train car. A moment later, Rarity appeared in front of him.
"We haven't forgotten all restraint, Doctor," she said, urging him forward. "We've thrown it out the window... quite literally."
"Quite," Whooves said, frowning. They followed Dan, stepping carefully over some of the carnage already laid down and in full anticipation of having to step over more very soon.
You know those chapter intros that start by posing a philosophical question or dilemma of some kind? And then they carry that out through the chapter and lightly touch on it in unique ways that kind of subvert expectations, make you kind of forget that first question and then at the end they give you a vague outcome that's ultimately more up to interpretation than really a definitive answer?
Well, the philosophical dilemma we're starting this chapter off with is, is there magic in violence? And we're going to provide an answer to that question right now: yes. Yes, it is. So instead of carrying a subtle theme all the way through the chapter and illustrating it with metaphor, we're gonna start this chapter off with a guy screaming.
This has been done before, too, but now it's extra moist.
"I'M PUNCHING YOU IN THE NECK! I AM PUNCHING YOU IN THE NECK!" Dan yelled. "AND IT'S CHOKING YOU! SO IT'S LIKE I'M PUNCHING YOU AND STRANGLING YOU AT THE SAME TIME!"
"GLCGH! GLGCH! GLLCH!!" The Team Rocket Grunt finally crumpled to the ground in a gargling mess. Dan stepped over him, sidestepped the grunt that tried to jump on him from the ceiling and elbowed him in the back of the head.
Dan learned to fight on the streets. Somewhat like a Street Fighter, if you will(and I know you will.) He picked up skills at gyms, the YMCA where they say it's fun to stay, and even a self-defense class for women which involved mostly groin kicks and shouting "THAT'S MY PURSE! I DON'T KNOW YOU!" Knowledge can come from anywhere.
The usual method involved a quick jab or chop to a vulnerable spot and then a quick follow-through to permanently disable the opponent. The eyes, the neck, the crotch, a solid jab in the stomach to get them kneeling, then grab and hammer them quickly into submission before moving on. This dispatched most 'tough guy'- type cronies with ease. This time, though, he also had a 'friend' to help him- the Team Rocket Grunt he was using as a human shield. As Dan is always unique, his way of using human shields was also unique.
First, Dan used the Grunt like a cudgel to bludgeon the other Grunts in front of him. But some of the henchmen were a bit tougher than the Grunts Dan was used to and would get up after he knocked them down. He'd swing his hostage by the legs or shoulders using his feet or head to beat down a Grunt ahead of him. Moving to the next train car, three assembled in front of him and tried to rush him, but he used his captive Grunt like a battering ram and leaped on all of them.
Dan had to replace Grunts as he made his way to the front of the train. Halfway to the locomotive, a few of them regrouped, rearmed and fired at him. Fortunately, Dan used his human weapon as a human shield and tied his arms around his neck. The hostage made no qualms about absorbing the bullets fired at Dan from behind. Rarity was able to take care of them shortly after, slowed only because of The Doctor's squeamishness.
"I will kill EVERYTHING on this train if I have to!" Dan exclaimed, punching a hapless Team Rocket Grunt into the wall. The man's Rocket cap fell off, as most of them did. A lot of the grunts were either balled or had short hair, even a couple of the female ones.
"Aigh! My ovaries!"
Dan did not discriminate. He made a point of not hitting ladies but if a woman was trying to kill him, she would go down.
"Will you people just learn to man up? You used to be tougher when I was in Team Rocket!"
A bloody-nosed grunt latched on to Dan's leg. "F-fuck you!"
Dan kicked him off. "Seriously, a ten-year-old could probably beat you guys single-handedly. You're worthless."
Four cars to the front, they started to get smarter. Or, at least more creative. Dan opened the connecting door to find a barricade of cargo and behind it, six grunts. Four were armed with the same generic SMGs the rest of them used but the two in the back had boxy quad-barrel rocket launchers. The same Team Rocket-brand rocket launchers Jessie and James had used so many times, though these were loaded with high explosives instead of freeze-blast material.
"FIRE!"
Dan hit the floor hard enough to put a mark on his face. A hail of lead and fire flew over him, impacting the walls behind him. The missiles exploded, filling the armored car with flames and forcing two of the MG grunts to hide behind the barricade. Even through Dan's human shield, he felt the heat. The grunt's clothes were torched instantly, leaving him in his boxer shorts.
And that was when the young man woke up. Dan rolled across the floor to put out the flames and his hostage suddenly started strangling him.
"AAAAAHH!! HAAAAHAAAAAAA!!" Eyes red, the crook screamed into Dan's face. "What will you do now?! WHAT WILL YOU D NOW?!?!"
Dan punched him in the face and the man fell unconscious. He then grabbed him, lifted him up and threw him over the barricade at the assembled Grunts.
"Gonna do that." Rarity and the Doctor entered, stepping through the carnage as they had all the way up the train to get to him. "Hey guys."
"Dan, we found... well, things," Rarity said.
"Yes, this train's cargo appears to be collectible in nature. As in, the cargo is collectibles."
"What, you mean like toys and junk?"
Rarity held up an object with her magic. "Well... yes."
Dan looked at it but he wasn't entirely sure what to think. Part of him was repulsed while the other was strangely captivated. It was... him. It was a Dan doll.
He grabbed the doll. "It's... me?" A squat, sitting Dan with an expression of mid-yell had apparently been chosen to make Dan's doll. Complete with its own JERK shirt, blue jeans, shoes and hair, the doll's fabric was even rough like Dan's skin. And heavy like Dan's... everything.
"I..."
"Are you alright, Dan?" Rarity asked. The human stared at the green-eyed doll with his own green eyes, seemingly fascinated.
"I... I need to kill someone and sue them. For this. And I'm not sure which I should do first."
"Not the most flattering interpretation of you but... well," the Doctor strained, "perhaps the likeness is... charming?"
Dan pulled the doll's string.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!!"
Pulled it again.
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ME!!"
"I would say that," Dan admitted.
Rarity nodded. "There were also dolls of myself, Twilight and the others."
"Including Nicky?"
She nodded again. "And Fluffle Puff in several different colors."
"So we can collect them all," the Doctor said with sarcastic glee.
"And burn them in a pile. Along with whoever's idea this was," Dan said. The next scene was Dan throwing the Dan doll over the side of the train.
The next car was packed full of what they were after: ponies. Wall to wall and floor to ceiling, the car just to the rear of the engine had so much there wasn't room to get around.
Dan approached the captive pony closest to the entrance. He rubbed his fist against the frame holding them like an over-sized trading card. "It's Flip Shade! He owns the sunglasses store near the entrance to town. Or, he did," Dan remarked.
Flip's Shades had originally been located at the south end of Mane Street, right at the beginning of the road into the heart of Ponyville. It was great business for him as some visitors found the sun and all the colors a bit overwhelming when they first stopped by. Offering brand names and even his own custom lenses made Flip quite a well-off pony, as well as one of Ponyville's most eligible bachelors. Rumor had it that Vinyl's personal glasses came from his store and that he briefly dated her.
"That's a lot of sunglasses."
"Look here- they've frozen him with about twelve pairs of glasses," Rarity said, pointing. Shades in several varieties and even a pair of novelty glasses had been frozen in the same frame next to Flip Shades.
"Accessories," Dan remarked. "Just like Colgate."
"It's like they're toys. Collectibles," the Doctor said. "Equestria's ended. These bastards are looting the entire planet for everything they can find, everything that's now one-of-a-kind."
A bright fire suddenly erupted in the distance. Like another sun suddenly bloomed on the surface, it pierced its way through the blizzard and illuminated the area. A rumbling followed that shook the train and finally hit Dan, Rarity and Doctor Whooves, nearly knocking them off of it.
The train rumbled and shook. A wave of frost washed over one side, blanketing Dan, Rarity and the Doctor as they clung on for dear life. After what seemed like forever, the train finally stopped shaking and resumed its progress.
"WHAT in the HELL was that?!"
"Detonation... weapon of some kind," the Doctor guessed.
Rarity pulled herself up first. "My word... that was like a volcano erupting." She helped the Doctor up, but both of them had to work together to pull Dan up. They didn't find out why until he was back on top of the train.
"Dan, stop picking up the dead bodies!"
"Hey! This is called 'managing the human resource' if you didn't know," Dan countered. "Perfectly good human shields, human hammers, human dynamite lying around, we're not going to let it go to waste."
"Human dynamite...?"
"Besides, I use Twilight as my own personal machine gun all the time, this is not a big deal."
"He did say 'human dynamite' right? I mean, I read that-err, heard that correctly , right?" Doctor asked.
And then Dan's latest human resource started talking. "I'm still alive! My-my name's Phil, Phil Meyers, my parents work for Silph Co.!" the Rocket Grunt pleaded.
"GET OFF ME DOUCHEBAG!"
"AAAHH!" Dan yelled and tossed the man off the train. Unfortunately, he tossed the man off the train and he fell between the cars. The snow under the train ran red for about thirty meters following that point.
Dan painted. Both Rarity and the Doctor held their temples, massaging the stress away with their hooves. Slowly, Dan turned to them, feeling their accusation on his back.
"He touched me. I don't like people touching me. You know that."
"Dan," Doc began with a sigh, "we are going to have to have a long talk. A long, long talk about... something. I don't know what, honestly. But something."
"It won't help," Dan replied.
That was when Doctor Whooves snapped. He rushed Dan, grabbed the human by the sides of his head and screamed into his face as Britishly as possible, "CAN YOU PLEASE STOP BEING VIOLENT FOR FECK'S SAKE!!!?"
Somehow, Dan was standing next to Rarity the very next moment watching the Doctor clutching the unconscious or dead body of a Rocket grunt. "Are you okay, doc?"
Doc double-taked between Dan and the corpse(we're honestly leaving all deaths entirely up to audience decision, meaning yours. Yes, you.) and then dropped it. Then, he dropped to his knees.
"WHY?! WHY HAVE YOU SENT ME HERE?! WHY HERE?!!! WHY HIM?!?!" Doctor Whooves asked the heavens. Yeah, he's really not himself right now, if we had to state that again. But, regardless of the Doctor's current state, the heavens answered him.
A streak of red burned the sky. Before it could be seen even breaking the clouds, the ground behind the train erupted in an explosion of bright crimson that rapidly expanded outward to consume the horizon. A wall of white vapor and earth rushed towards the rear of the train. Reacting on instinct, Rarity grabbed Dan and Doctor and ducked, holding both of them to her and casting a shield around the three of them.
Again, the train shook like an earthquake was happening right beneath it. Bits of snow and dirt pelted the train and Rarity's shield.
"Okay. What in the hell keeps doing that?" Dan asked. "And how do I get one?"
"It's Barro's cannon. Rice is forcing him to use it against, well, everything by holding Michael and the others hostage," Rarity said.
Dan looked between Doctor and Rarity. "I thought it could only shoot down things in space!"
"Technically, the planet is IN space."
"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."
Doctor Whooves rubbed his ear. "Volume. And it's obvious he can shoot things on the ground as well, that's not important. What IS important is stopping him."
Dan was about to reprimand Whooves, even hand his reprimanding finger pointing directly under the pony's chin along with his reprimanding scowl armed and ready, but then said, "Now we're on the same page. And in fact, I have a plan to deal with this exact problem."
"Bit premature to be discussing how to-" Rarity began but was interrupted by the Doctor.
"A plan? A plan for what?"
Dan folded his arms. "Everything. You name it."
Whooves shook his head. "No no no no no. You have a plan for shooting down Barro's spacecraft."
Dan smiled. "Yes, I do."
"While we're on a train?"
"Yep."
"On Equestria."
"Yeah-huh."
"And he's in space."
Dan nodded. "Eeyep. Miss you, Big Mac."
The Doctor shook his head in disbelief. "A ship in orbit armed with a gun that can shoot anything, that can shoot through anything, that can destroy and has destroyed literally everything that's been sent up after it, piloted by a man whose job is literally to know everything before everyone else and somehow YOU have a way to stop him."
Dan just smiled about the brightest, most chipper smile he'd ever smiled at the Doctor for about a minute and then said, "Yes. Yes, I do."
Whooves would have pinched his brow had he the means. "Right. Right right right, OF COURSE you do."
"No, really. I-"
"But don't you think it's at LEAST a bit prudent to worry about it later?"
Dan shrugged. "I'm a multi-task miracle worker. I like to work more than one problem at once. Like fixing my car and simultaneously getting revenge on the dweebs at the gas station."
"Alright. Alright, fine. But you can't do anything on this train."
Dan raised a hand. "Actually-"
"No. Train first, then plan."
"Plan involves train."
"What."
"Plan involves the train, Doctor."
Again, Whooves moved to pinch his forehead and was unable to. Because hooves. "It can't possibly involve this train."
"You wanna hear it?"
"No."
"Okay, first we take the train-"
"NO."
"We're going to need a pickaxe, duct tape, a flamethrower, two shovels-" Dan began to list. But Doctor Whooves continued onward, trying not to listen to him. Trying very hard, mostly failing not to listen to him.
Dan was simply the master of plans. Especially revenge plans, which definitely qualified. Unbeknownst to Dan, the first shot Barro had fired that hit the surface had destroyed the Pone Depot.
"How the hell can you sweat when it's this cold?"
"Quiet," Payne snapped. "Just do your job."
A female Rocket grunt was operating the radio. She set her headset down to turn to Writhe N. Payne. "The second blast was the Tesco. It's gone. Proton and his guys are breaking off."
"What about us? Are uh... we're not a target, a-are we?" Payne asked squeamishly.
"How 'bout I just ask Barro on the radio if he's planning on shooting us?"
Payne's eyes went wide behind his glasses. "C-can you do that?! Do-do you think he'll answer?"
Another grunt leaned in next to her. "You're sure this guy's paying us?"
"We have another problem!" One of the Grunts opened the cabin door and yelled. "Dan's thrashed all our guys on the other cars!"
Payne shivered. "How close is he?!"
The Grunt was about to answer when Dan's hand reached in, grabbed him by the throat and yanked him out.
Tartarus was hell. Or, as close as one could get to hell in the realm of Equestria. Despite being its own separate dimension, the immense dungeon did not actually occupy a separate plane of existence. Rather, it was a very large 'pocket dimension' within the fabric of Equestria itself, essentially a large space confined and compressed in between Equestria's plane. It still had a physical link to Equestria located underneath the DonQuestrian prison complex called Bursavis. But, basically, it was still hell.
There was a difference between being sent to this realm for punishment and just being sent to Tartarus, however. That was more than a basic difference.
Of course, right now, it wasn't really a difference Captain America or Chris Redfield really noticed.
"Is he still watching us?"
"I don't wanna look over," Chris said, then reluctantly, he did. Immediately, he winced with almost physical pain. "Yep, he's still looking right at us."
"Great," Captain America said sarcastically. Both he and Chris had realized early that Tartarus had many different ways of tormenting its occupants. Being human, the two of them were already out of place in the dungeon dimension, or dimungeon as Pinkie had called it. Rice hadn't bothered with anything specific when he imprisoned them and the others; he just tossed them in and put a cage around them. So, they weren't actually being punished by Tartarus itself.
Unfortunately, they found out quickly it was easy to get punishment by proxy. The Van Camp's Pork and Beans kid had taken up a position just outside their cell and had been starring at them for the past week. He seemed to have a never-ending can of Van Camp's Pork and Beans because he was perpetually eating from it, one spoonful at a time while watching Cap and Chris with a look of sheer malevolence in his eyes. It wasn't really torture to them, but it was annoying, which probably made it torture to someone else.
"So are we just gonna sit here?" Chris asked. "While that kid eats pork and beans at us?" The Van Camp's kid licked his lips before devouring another spoonful. It was too disgusting for either of them to watch.
"I'm conserving my energy," Cap said.
"You're sitting there and doing nothing."
Cap turned his head. "I'm... taking a break."
Chris again swiped his knife at the walls. The energy bent to compensate for the blade but the forcefield cell they were in held in place. The red wall of energy quickly ablated the blow. He followed it up with another, then another, then another. Then he started attacking the forcefield above them, jumping and slashing at it.
"I didn't think Captain America did breaks."
"Even heroes need breaks."
"Yeah?" Chris stopped for a moment, panting. "So I finally got you to admit you're a hero. I can't remember if it was Jill or Rebecca but someone owes me twenty bucks."
Captain America turned again. "I never said I was a hero. Captain America, he's the hero."
"Oh, give me a break, Steve."
"I'm already on one."
Chris Redfield groaned. "Steve, for goodness' sake, man. Don't let this be another 'hero doesn't think he's a hero' lecture."
"Excuse me?" Cap said, standing up. "I'm sorry but I don't recall you being in a situation like mine."
The two men were burly, muscles bulging. With any two other guys, it probably would have been a showdown. But these two had been partners for quite a while.
"I didn't mean it like that."
"Alright," Cap said calmly. "Then how did you mean it?"
"I just... look. I think by now you understand your own legend. Comics, action figures, video games, trading cards, movies-"
"I still need to go see those..." Cap admitted.
"You understand what I'm saying, though. You're a superhero, Steve," Chris said. "I know it's difficult being admired, hell, being practically worshiped for doing stuff that... literally no one should ever do. And somehow still doing it every day. Surviving."
"It's not about that," Captain America turned away. He half-shrugged. "I'm... I've always been the weakest of the Avengers."
Chris quirked an eyebrow. "Are you serious?"
"Tony, Bruce, Bucky, it didn't matter what team I was on. I'm always the last picked. Never the first," Cap said.
Chris bit his finger, realizing he had just unearthed something complicated. "I'm pretty sure both HYDRA and Umbrella can attest to your prowess. You even beat Iron Man-"
Cap spun quickly. "You know what the difference between me and Tony is?"
"Apart from the money, the suit and Pepper?"
Cap pinched his eyes shut. "Tony... 'Iron Man' was something Tony came up with. He made Iron Man, I was made into Captain America. I'm still Steve Rogers."
Chris rubbed the back of his neck. "Stark isn't exactly perfect himself. To be honest, between you and him, you're kinda more likable."
"Stark is improving. He has improved. I never did," Cap said, sighing heavily. "I never got past the limitations of Steve Rogers."
Looking around, Chris saw even the Van Camp's kid had started listening to the conversation. Creepily. He let Cap continue.
"When I became... this, you know what the first thought through my head was? It was "I have asthma. I have a heart condition. I should tell Mrs. Barnes."
Chris stared at him for a solid minute. "Your first thought after becoming a super soldier is telling your best friend's mom?"
"No, it's just... I wasn't ready. Steve Rogers wasn't ready. I never got over my asthma, I never got over the fact I wasn't living on my own. I didn't earn anything I was given," Cap said. "Tony built Iron Man with his bare hands."
"And millions of dollars' worth of technology," Chris pointed out.
"Which he invented," Cap countered. "Dr. Erskine created the serum that made Captain America. Tony designed everything about his suits right down to the colors. The only thing I contributed to mine was the size."
"But you fill the suit," Chris said, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "So, what? You want go back to being a ninety-pound asthmatic with high blood pressure so you can overcome being a ninety-pound asthmatic with high blood pressure?"
"I-no. I'm just, well..."
"It was something you never overcame," Chris said, nodding. "I get it. It's like a challenge you left behind."
"I guess," Cap said. "I don't think about it most days. But sometimes, I still feel like that kid. Heart pounding, wheezing, struggling to keep up with everyone else. I don't want to be... not good enough. Again."
Chris didn't know what to say. He smiled, then chuckled. "Heh... well, I honestly don't know what to say to that."
"I do," Rice said. Chris and Cap spun around to see Rice Puddinghead standing outside the shield. The Van Camp's kid was laying on the ground, prone and Rice was now eating his pork and beans. "This stuff is pretty good, actually."
"What do you want?" Chris said. Carefully, he hid his knife behind his back.
"Your problem isn't with Earth or with SHIELD," Cap said. "You should know by now that they'll be prepared. We went missing, they'll be on alert."
"Oh, I know," Rice said, nodding. "But I don't really have a problem with Earth or SHIELD. I just have a problem with them being in the way. What they do, what you two do, I'm actually quite the fan of."
"We're not helping you," both men said adamantly, simultaneously.
"Not voluntarily, of course not. And I don't think you'd change your mind for a few extra cans of pork and beans."
"I am never eating that stuff again," Chris said.
Rice grinned. "Again, not voluntarily." The two men shuddered. "Now, as sappy and cliche as your little story was Mr. America, I happen to find it quite touching. You know, my son actually was disabled when he... *er-hem* well, he was disabled."
"Killing people isn't going to bring your son back," Chris quickly blurted out.
"Destroying Earth won't bring your son back," Cap quickly followed up. "None of this-"
"ENOUGH!" the Van Camp can quickly hit the floor. It splattered its contents on the hard rock. Rice ripped down the energy barrier and grabbed both men in a levitation spell. In a split-second, he was lifting them up, helpless over him.
"Hahahaaaa... that's enough, really," Rice said, making it clear he was suppressing a lot of his anger. "But you know, you said there was a lot you had to overcome as Steve Rogers. Personally, I happen to think there's a lot you still have to get through as Captain America."
"Like... like what?" Cap asked.
"Ha ha ha ha... let me show you. Both of you." From his coat pocket, he pulled out two vials. "Here's a little gift from home, boys. Something from both HYDRA and Umbrella."
"How-how the hell did you get formulas from Umbrella?!" Chris asked, shocked.
"Are HYDRA and Umbrella working for you?" Cap asked.
Rice grinned. "Once again- not voluntarily."
"What do you mean?"
Rice pulled the captive Captain America closer to him. "You'll find out soon enough. Let's test your limitations, Steve. Oh, and you should be happy to know... I picked you first."
The cabin door creaked open. But he also had to walk through the disclaimer:
No henchmen were harmed in the making of this cartoon.
Dan looked up. "Wait wait wait, that's not right."
MANY No henchmen were harmed in the making of this cartoon.
"That's better. We're bringing murder back to quality children's entertainment one bare-knuckle beating at a time. If only they'd written me during the nineties," Dan remarked.
The Doctor scowled. "Do you have any idea what he's even talking about?"
"Not a clue," Rarity said, shaking her head. "Cartoons in the nineties weren't even that violent."
"Precisely- wait, no, what? Did you just take the piss?"
"A lady knows when to be serious," was Rarity's only reply.
The Team Rocket Grunts all immediately aimed their weapons at them. One quickly realized he was pointing his gun backwards and corrected this mistake. Experienced criminals they were, but more experienced were they at using Poke'Balls than automatic weapons. And really, their experience with the Poke'Balls amounted to losing to adolescents.
And even if this hadn't been the case, Dan still would have scoffed at their display. Which he did.
"Scoff!" He literally said the word scoff for emphasis. "We just dismembered a couple dozen of your gun goons and threw them off the train. But you know, at the very least, you're committed to this shtick. Much like an author is committed to updating a story every Saturday. And just like that author, you have long since lost control of things and barely have a grasp on the situation."
"The fuck are you even talking about? You're starting to sound like Edgeworth in the courtroom," Payne said.
Dan smirked. "And just like any other time you face someone in the courtroom, you're about to have your yellow flank served to you."
"I hate just about everyone here right now," Whooves said.
"Good, Doctor, you're catching on."
"SAYS THE FOULEST BLOODY GIT OF THEM ALL."
Payne backed up to the train's controls. "OBJECTION! You may not be Phoenix Wright, Dan, but just like him, I find your hard evidence to be quite lacking!"
The human, still smirking, pounded his fist into his palm. "Let me follow up with my right-cross-examination, then, across your sweat-soaked face."
"What's with all the court puns?" a Grunt asked. "Are you going to do anything or aren't you?"
They were in a bit of a standoff. Sure, the Rocket Grunts could fire, but Rarity would block their shots. Dan would advance closer and they'd be done for. In fact, the only reason they hadn't done that yet is because Dan was gloating. When he should have been keeping an eye on Writhe N. Payne.
"Shoot him! What are you idiots just standing there for?!" Payne demanded.
"We're close quarters!" "Energy shield would bounce the rounds right back at us." "Or worse- into the controls."
Payne grabbed his head in frustration. "You dimwits are useless!"
"Says the guy backing away from a fight."
"Fine!" Payne snarled. "If you Rockets won't fire, I'll fire the rockets!" The yellow stallion punched an orange button. From the sides of the train, hidden panels deployed.
Dan felt a bad feeling vibrating through the floor into his feet. "Oh boy. This isn't like one of Ozzy Osbarn's trains, is it?"
"Who in the hell is Ozzy Osbarn?"
"OBSERVE!" He through a switch next to the throttle and the train exploded forward in a burst of motion. Ozzy's train car had only a single pair of rocket boosters but this super freight train had four per car. Dan, Rarity and the Doctor were knocked off their feet and flew to the back of the cabin, slamming backs against the wall. And they weren't the only ones. The Rocket Grunts were thrown to the floor along with their weapons.
"CRAP!" Stuck to the wall from the inertia, Dan quickly opened the cabin door. The Rocket Grunts went tumbling through the hatch and outside.
"HahaHA!" Payne laughed, though he was clearly holding on for dear life, hooves wrapped around the throttle lever. "How's that for a turnabout, Dan?!"
"AAAHH! AIGH!" Dan suddenly liked his position even less as he was pelted by sweat drops streaming off Payne. The pony must've had some kind of glandular issue.
"Oh, feckwidget. Is anyone else being pelted by perspiration?" Doctor asked. "Can we do something about this, please? BLEGH! IT GOT IN MY MOUTH!" Rarity produced a magical parasol shield to cover them.
"Oh thank you. Thank you, dressy dress pony," Dan said emphatically. "Seriously, I liked it better when we were being shot at."
Whooves looked over to him. "Do you LISTEN to yourself, even?"
"Rarity, lower his portion of shield."
"Oh, as if she would- AAAHH! STOP IT, STOPP!"
"I'm sorry! It's kind of hard to concentrate, darling, there's a lot going on, sorry," Rarity said. And in fact, she was right. The train was continuing to pick up speed, rocketing down the tracks. They quickly climbed over hilly terrain that the Friendship Express would have simply eased through with adorable grace. The freight train was going incredibly fast, so fast in fact that we could very easily make either one of two references: Spongebob Squarepants or Spaceballs. But hey, why not both?
"You'll never catch me, Dan! Not when I shift into MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!!!" Reaching his sweaty hoof forward, he grabbed hold of the whistle chain and pulled it to shift the lever all the way to the Speed of Absurdity. Otherwise known as-
"Ludicrous speed! Hey, hey boss-"
"Not now, Barf."
"Hey, come on," Barf insisted, "put down the plans for the sequel for a minute and look."
Lone Starr looked out the front window of Eagle Five. "Huh. Plaid. Whaddaya know."
"You think they have any problems with the Spaceballs?"
"Probably not," Lone Starr said. "But we can always make plans to check it out next season."
"Makin' plans to check it out next season." The train zipped by the conveniently-parked winnebago.
"Is this your big plan?!" Dan shouted. "Drive this thing so recklessly we'll want to get off?! Because you're talking to the KING of reckless driving, right here!"
"Not exactly, Dan!" The lawyer's glasses finally fell off, revealing... yet another pair of the same glasses behind them for some reason. "See, I was just buying time for us to finally reach Appleloosa!"
"Scoff!" Dan scoffed again, "Like anypony would listen to your greasy hide in Appleloosa!"
The lawyer grinned, a sparkle in the corner of his lenses. "I think you folks are in for a surprise! Last stop coming up: Appleloosa and your DOOM!
Of course, when the train reached Appleloosa, it didn't stop. Payne had no way of switching back the throttle and with the rockets propelling them at such speed, it was too late to slow down anyway. So the train kept rocketing dangerously towards Appleloosa, but it seemed like Appleloosa was ready for it.
When the train came down the main line into town, the track suddenly shifted and the train went skyward. The rails raised and the train kept going, now circling the entire town like a theme park monorail. And then, it flipped upside down, becoming more like a rollercoaster. As was the case with most theme park rides he was dragged on, Dan did not enjoy it.
"I'm gonna throw up!" announced Dan.
"Please! Payne has already done enough of that."
"Hahaha!" Payne laughed, over the sounds of his own nausea. "Too late, you fools! We arrive at the place of your execution. Have fun!"
"What are you talking about?" Rarity demanded.
"Your judgment is here! Say hello to Mr. Wright for me!" Payne released the throttle and went flying. With her split-second reflexes, Rarity caught him in her magical grasp. Unfortunately, the sweat-soaked lawyer's sweat was too slippery for even the grips of the unicorn's magic and he slipped right through. In an instant, he disappeared to the white below. Because again, the train is upside down right now and circling the town.
The rocketing freight train rounded Appleloosa three times when the rockets suddenly cut out and the brakes cut in. Very rapidly, the train began slowing down. Finally, the world stopped spinning for Dan, Rarity and the Doctor just in time for them to realize they were upside down. And in the air. They did not have quite enough time to ponder exactly why the train had stopped in this position before they started falling.
"AAAAAUUGH!"
The freight train's cars began detaching. One by one starting from the back, they dropped to the ground with a metallic clank, beginning to form a nice, neat row.
The falling steel boxes came closer. "RARITY!"
The trio disappeared in a flash of blue just as the car above them came crashing down. They reappeared with it right in front of their faces.
"Gaah!" Dan quickly recoiled, "That was a bit... close. For me. But good job on that response time, Rarity."
"Thank you."
Before Doctor Whooves could ask where they were, a loud buzzer sounded.
"*BARRZZT* Loading complete. Beginning processing. Please stay clear of the loading bay."
The cars began moving. Dan realized they were in front of some sort of conveyor belt, a huge one. The train tracks hung in the air with the frame of the train still attached. As he watched it, the skeletal freight train frame reversed until it was gone.
"This would appear to be some sort of automated cargo port," Doctor Whooves said.
"I certainly didn't notice very much to be 'automated' in Appleloosa. When I was here last time, I mean," Rarity said. "Not that the place couldn't have remodeled."
"I hate what they've done with the place. And more than usual," Dan remarked. And then they all quickly realized, "HEY! The frozie ponies!"
"The what?"
"The ponies on ice! We gotta get 'em out of that car!" Dan rushed to the train car holding the captive ponies but there was no way in. He scratched, swatted at, even tried to bite his way through the metal hull to no avail. Fortunately, Rarity reminded him of something.
"Darling, please don't do that. I can teleport." A quick pair of flashes and they were inside the train car with the captured ice pones. "Should I write you a note in case you forget?"
"That might be helpful," Dan admitted. Yep, that's right- a reference to Episode 4 of this whacky series. Gosh, what a trip it's been. SO FAR!
"Uh, Dan, we have another problem." Over at the doorway, Doctor Whooves was busy trying to open the doors. Because they weren't opening easily.
Dan realized the problem quickly. "The cars are mashed against each other. We'll have to teleport everypony out of here and us."
Rarity wiped her brow. "That's going to take a lot of magic. I can manage two at a time."
"Do it and hurry. I don't think we want to reach wherever this thing is-"
"*BRAZZZT*" Commencing processing."
"...going."
The car shook a moment. That was enough of a call for concern and then the floor began changing color. Followed by the walls, the ceiling, everything started changing color. Specifically, everything turned red. Bright, hot, red.
"They're heating the cars!!!"
"RARITY! GET US OUT OF HERE!" Her teleportation came just before they started cooking. When they reappeared, they were inside a large building that the conveyor belt fed into. Heating panels surrounded the train making the air hot around them, but the facility was larger than that. It had been built to process a lot of train cars very quickly.
"I see..." Whooves said. "The entire process IS automated. The train obviously delivers the captured ponies here quickly and then this facility defrosts them and keeps them contained. If we follow it, we could probably find out what they're doing with the townsfolk."
Dan frowned. "Except you just said this entire process IS automated. So whoever's in charge is not here, including their faces, which I mean to acquaint with my fists."
"We still need to find out what they're doing with the ponies. It's the only way we'll rescue them," Rarity pointed out.
"Right. So you guys go do that, I have punching to do."
"Dan."
"Yes, splitting up. That's a terrible idea," Whooves added.
Dan groaned. "Fine. But then we find Payne and whoever he's working for. I'm in desperate need for some real Payne-relief. Violent Payne-relief."
They followed the train cars through the processing facility. Or rather, they tried to; it ended just after the next room where the cars entered a long tunnel which sealed after the cars went inside it.
"Well that's a dead end."
"That wall's too solid for me to teleport through. I'm sorry... if only Twilight was here," Rarity said.
"Hey. We're gonna find her. We're gonna get them all back."
"They don't appear to want to hurt the prisoners," Doctor said. "The freezing and thawing procedures all seem to prioritize preserving the occupants. They're obviously selling the ponies but to whom and why, we don't know."
"And that is what we need to find out. Let's hit the town, see what we can find out. Rarity, we will need disguises."
Rarity smiled. "I already have a few ideas picked out."
"I should have been hanging out with you this entire time. We're making up for that as soon as we find Nicky and the others," Dan decided.
"Does that offer extend to me as well?" Whooves asked, but Dan had already turned around and left.
The trio located some work clothes- boiler suits, gloves, boots, hardhats, that a crew had apparently left behind. Combined with their winter outfits, Rarity whipped up new disguises for them. They exited the processing facility into Appleloosa, confident no one would recognize them.
It was very clear something had changed about Appleloosa. Dan, Doctor Whooves and Rarity hadn't exactly frequented the western town very many times, but it was very obvious something was off. Of course, given their circumstances, they were expecting things to have changed. Dan especially was getting used to things just going from bad to worse for whatever reason.
What he could never get used to was things getting stupider for whatever reason.
Several of the buildings were taped together. Scotch-taped together, not even duct-taped. Another one had been made out of cardboard boxes and next to it, literally a house of cards. A pool of water was leaking out of a three-story flophouse and onto the street. Dan was able to tell it was a new structure when he noticed it was next to the original Appleloosa telegraph office/museum. It was the only building he recognized.
"What... in the name of the princesses... happened to this place?" Rarity asked.
"It's the end of the world as we know it," Whooves said, swallowing. "And I feel... nauseous."
"Just when I thought I was starting to like Appleloosa's rustic charm, the old west becomes the cold waste," Dan remarked. A line of hitching posts for wagons jutted out towards the street as they walked by. The hitching rail was covered in spikes and twisted barbs, wrapped in razor wire and appeared to be slick wet with something. All in all, it looked very unsanitary and sharp, so they purposefully gave it a wide berth as they passed.
"Oh... oh, I think that's the saloon," Rarity said, a clear pang of regret in her voice. All of the Appleloosa saloon's windows were broken, some were missing and others just had massive, gaping holes where they once were.
"Doesn't look like it's changed that much," Dan said, trying to cheer her up a bit. A second later, the saloon doors flapped open and a half-naked raider ran out. He was followed by another raider wearing three sets of broken goggles and the brim of a hat around his waist. The second raider aimed a burning blender at the fleeing raider and a jet of flames exploded from it, blasting 'goggles' back into the bar and hitting the runner square in the back. Raider one fell over, scorched black, only to have a trio of timberwolves drag his body down an alley.
"See?" Dan said. "Hasn't.. changed that much at all, really."
Doctor Whooves pulled down the flap of his disguise over his mouth. "Hasn't changed MUCH? Do you not notice the man being eaten alive right now?"
"Hey, that happened in Appleloosa before."
"PEOPLE WERE EATEN ALIVE IN APPLELOOSA?!!?"
"Well, not like all the freaking time, but I mean, this is the west and there ARE bugbears out here," Dan said defensively.
"Dan," Rarity shook her head, "this is not business as usual for Appleloosa."
"Right right right, fine. Let's try the inn next," Dan said, and led them onward.
Their disguises worked well enough. They were passed by a few vagrants. Some walked on two legs, some walked on four legs or more but there were no other ponies. A couple zebras and a few yaks, one skinny centaur walked past them trying to get a signal on his cell phone but none paid them too much attention. An amount of weirdness continued as well; an eggbeater that wasn't attached to anything rolled by, beating its way through the snow and a raider was carried off a building by a flock of Drifloons. Probably among the more adorable ways to die.
A Drifblim passed overhead as they walked by. Dan chanced a peek inside one of the houses to find a Gengar, Haunter and Gastly playing cards with a Dusknoir, Chandelure and a Jellicent. A Sableye was dealing. They looked up from the cards at Dan, who then immediately turned and walked away.
They reached the inn and were pleased to see it was at least intact. But then, they entered the building and whatever feeling of relief vanished.
"GRAAAAAAHHH! AAAhHHHHAAAAAAA!!" "Give him some room!" "Twenty bits he misses! Twenty bits he misses!" "HAAAAAA!! HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!"
In the center of the inn's main lobby was a raider trapped inside of a cake. From the balcony, people were throwing plastic forks at either him, the cake or both. Underneath the balcony, a woman tied to a table was subjected to two men rubbing a piece of artificial lawn on her back, but it wasn't clear whether she wanted them to stop or rub harder. Two zebras were fighting each other with large stuffed teddy bears around a pool table and finally, several toddler raiders danced around a man and slowly mummified him with duct tape.
"So that's where the duct tape went," Dan remarked.
A door broke open from somewhere on the second floor and a tidal wave of barbecue sauce washed over the balcony and down to the first floor. Three completely naked people covered in sauce rode the sauce wave on top of a fourth larger naked man that had a pizza taped to the top of his head. Clearly, he was in charge, or at least he was until the sauce wave carried them into the cake, destroying it and ending their ride.
"AGAIN! AGAIN!" the pizza man shouted. "I AM VICTORIOUS ONCE MORE! I DEMAND WE GO AGAIN!"
And that was when an older man dressed as an older woman walked up to the pizza man and beat him in the head from behind with a broken metal detector. The pizza man fell to the ground but the elder crossdressing raider did not let up, finally burying the metal detector into the pizza.
"It is NOT Wednesday. IT WILL NEVER BE WEDNESDAY. EVER!!" the drag raider roared. He stomped off, leaving the others in a mellow silence to reflect on their actions.
Dan was watching this display, utterly confused when a surprisingly dressed, bald man walked up to him from the side. He was quietly cleaning a glass in his hand with a handcloth. He looked like the owner.
"I would tell them to stop, but you know, they're going to do this somewhere, so it might as well be here. Besides, I had fifty bits on the cake being destroyed," the man said casually.
"Are you the owner?" Dan asked.
"Nope," the man said, and continued onward. As he walked away, Dan realized the man was not wearing pants. Dan left.
Rarity and Doctor Whooves were in the middle of the street just outside the inn when Dan found them. They were talking to a parka-wearing diamond dog that quickly departed, dragging a long chain behind him through the snow as Dan walked up to them.
"Who the hell was that?"
The Doctor cleared his throat. "He didn't mention a name, but he apparently was trying to sell us his slaves."
"His what?" Dan asked.
"Imaginary slaves," Whooves said. "That dog was trying to sell us imaginary slaves."
"I don't like Appleloosa any more..." Rarity said.
"This isn't Appleloosa," Dan exclaimed. "Obviously they've found a way to summon cities! They've summoned L.A on top of Appleloosa. That's why it's so shitty. And insane."
"Oh, come on. You don't know that."
"Fine, maybe it's New Jersey."
"Dan," Whooves interrupted, "I've seen this happen before. This isn't even Equestria any more. Because the-"
"The whole world ended, I get it, for the FIFTEENTH TIME, I GET IT."
"There's no function to this place any more," Whooves explained. "Without ponies, magic or friendship, there's no meaning to this place. Anyone can just come in and do whatever they want. So Team Rocket's stealing things, zebras are fighting, the diamond dogs are selling things and the psychopathic raiders are... being psychopathic raiders."
Dan nodded, finally understanding. "So things are going to keep getting weirder until we get the princesses back."
"Not necessarily," Rarity interjected. "Team Rocket isn't insane, they're just greedy. But I do believe he's saying more of these trespassers are going to arrive in Equestria until something is done."
"Where are these idiots even coming from? Don't they have anywhere else to be?"
"If we find where the ponies are being sent, we might be able to get them back and get everyone else to leave," Doctor Whooves said.
"There's one place we still have to check- the clocktower. Let's go."
A few things were fortunately less crazy in Appleloosa. They traveled down the town's snow-covered main street and passed by a couple workshops that had been converted into soup and bread lines. A young zebra and a centaur offered them some blankets, which they politely accepted. They didn't particularly need soup or blankets, but they took some anyway. It was best to blend in as much as possible and rejecting those things would have been a bit suspicious.
"YOU MUST TASTE MY DUMPLINGS! YOU MUST ALL TASTE MY DUMPLINGS!" A fat shirtless man, apparently another raider, grabbed fistfuls of hot dumplings and tossed them at the people in line for soup. Some scattered, most didn't know what to do and more than a few didn't care.
"Hahaha! You love them, yes?!"
"Not particularly, no."
"LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The fat man jumped down, dropping the pot of dumplings to spill on the ground. Enraged by the apparent insult, he charged the bystander, a man in a furry brown coat with newspaper for shoes. The dumpling man ran at the food critic.
*pchow! pchow!*
A blue ring hit dumpling man in the back, then another. He fell face-first into the snow. People in line wasted no time relieving the large raider of his belongings, clothes, and two filthy females in rags took his hair and one of his teeth. Some people then flipped him over and took his chest and back hair as well. Oddly enough, most people left his dumplings.
"Keep the line moving, please," a stern voice announced.
"Norm?" Dan asked. The man who shot Liberty Dumpling was actually a stormtrooper. Knowing only one Imperial stormtrooper, Dan thought it was Norman. "Norm?"
The trooper did not acknowledge him but waved him, Rarity and Whooves along. Like everywhere else, they had found more strangers, not familiar faces. They continued on to the clock tower.
The clock tower also served as the town hall. The sheriff's office and the post office were on the east and west sides inversely. The post office was overflowing with letters and parcels, a sign it hadn't seen use in quite a while.
"What's going to happen if we don't find Twilight and the others?" Doctor Whooves asked. "Why... why did I just ask that? Oh goodness feck, I've nearly lost it."
"We do NOT focus on the negative. We don't even bring it up," Dan said.
"I have to admit, this is much even for me," Rarity admitted, holding her disguise's collar over her muzzle. "This isn't Appleloosa. Is all of Equestria to become like... like this?"
"That's NOT going to happen," Dan declared. "Focus, people. The townsfolk, remember? They're still nearby, we can rescue them." They were still not convinced. Dan could tell morale was dropping. Time for drastic measures. He grabbed them both by their faces and mushed them together. And it made the squee sound effect.
"Look you two... I know the world's gone crazy. But hey, I'm from L.A! Do either of you know how crazy Earth is?"
"Yes," Whooves said. "You don't want to get started with me."
"Okay... but I'm saying, it's the people. I've lived in a crazy city before. The people we love- the ponies, our friends and neighbors and families. Sweetie Belle," he said, looking at Rarity. "They give us some stability. They're our foundation. We do it for them. Right?"
Rarity nodded. To a lesser extent, Whooves also nodded in agreement. "Right. You're right, Dan. Let's go get our friends back. Again."
"However many times it takes," Dan replied confidently.
"How many times have you had to do this exactly?" Whooves asked. Dan did not answer.
They had to sidestep another timberwolf as it came down the street. It was dragging its rear end through the snow, possibly because someone tried to set it on fire. Poor thing whimpered and scooted its way out of sight. A pair of minotaurs dueled in the street, a street artist tried to sell them a framed piece of pavement and a covered wagon full of disco balls rolled by being pulled by four afro-wearing zebras. The wheels of the wagon were also disco balls. They had apparently lost a battle against a punk rock band and their punk rocks.
Finally, they reached the clock tower at the center of town. Usually, this is where Sheriff Silver Star could be found, always out patrolling. Rarity quietly wondered to herself where the good sheriff was, hoping he was okay.
"Haven't seen anyone from Appleloosa so far. I mean, like, when the town isn't a loony bin," Dan remarked. "Braeburn and his band were with us at the old castle. I think."
"Phillydelphia and Manehattan were like that, too," Rarity said. "I checked on them before coming to meet with the Doctor. There's no ponies there, but there were a few other creatures. Yaks and goats, mostly."
"What about Trottingham or Las Pegas?" Dan asked.
Rarity shook her head. "I wasn't able to get that far with the blizzard going on."
"At least we're about to get out of the snow," Whooves said. They entered the clock tower, door creaking only slightly as they opened it.
The clock tower also served as the town hall. A smaller community, Sheriff Silver Star acted as the mayor of Appleloosa and most town meetings took place in a small theater off to the side of the entrance.
The tower was empty. A few gas lanterns were on, however, indication someone was living in the place. A bulletin board hung lopsided on the east wall in a little parlor area. Mostly, it was for official notices as most ponies in Appleloosa got their news from the saloon. A line of clocks hung on the wall, all displaying the times of different cities in Equestria. Trottingham, Detrot, Baltimare, Canterlot, even the new Crystal Empire city, Spurcon, was displayed on the different clock faces. All held the same time, however: midnight. And they were all broken.
"That doesn't make any sense," Whooves said.
"What doesn't?"
"Those clocks," he said, trotting up to them. He reached up on the wall and pulled one off. "They're meant to show the times in different areas, yes? There's no reason they'd ever be the same exact time."
Dan shrugged. "They're broken."
"Yes, but they were all broken at different times," Whooves said, looking at the clock. "Whoever did this wanted it to appear that time has stopped."
"I see what you're saying," Rarity said. "Someone took these clocks down and set them to display midnight, then broke them for whatever reason and hung them back on the wall."
"Precisely. Precisely, Rarity, that's it," Whooves said, grinning his trademarked cunning smile. It was a smile that said "I'm onto it" when the Doctor was unraveling a mystery. Unfortunately-
"Some crazy guy probably did it. There's raiders out there and other lunatics. For all we know, one of them did that just to screw with the other ones," Dan said.
Doctor Whooves slumped. "I... yes, that's... entirely the probable case, yes." He slumped down to the floor. As he did, the cuckoo in the clock ejected, but did not utter its namesake. There was no reason, nor was there the energy to.
"Chin up, Doctor," Rarity said. She knelt down next to him to comfort him, adjusting his little bow tie. "Just because there's no mystery doesn't mean there's nothing to solve."
"Right... right... I'm just..." his gaze became miles-long. "I'm at a bit of a loss for one of those right now. Solutions, I mean."
Dan and Rarity were both about to say something when the doors opened again. Before the new intruders could see them, the three scrambled to hide- Dan inside the amphitheater, Rarity and Whooves under a pair of tables.
"-but we could make a lot of money this way."
"Nuh-uh. No way. Besides, the paint would come off."
"But that's the beauty of it," the Team Flair grunt said. "By the time they realize it's not a pony, we're already long gone."
"They'd find us, idiot," the Cipher Peon berated him. "This isn't the only nexus and Kalos and Orre aren't exactly big places."
The Flair grunt paused. "Fine. But I still think we could sell those zebras."
"That's not how we do things. The buyers come to us, they leave with the product, we take the cash. That's how this stuff works," the Cipher Peon said. He walked past the broken clocks, the Flair grunt following.
"I overheard Maxie talking with Lysandre."
"Exchanging fashion tips?"
"Ha ha. No, talking about interlopers. There's at least four trainers out there. Not to mention two ODSTs, two COGs, a SPECTRE and a Spartan."
The Cipher looked back over his shoulder. "We've dealt with all of that before. Unless it's the space marines or the SPAYCE MOREENZ, they're not a problem."
"No," the Team Flair grunt stopped. He brought out a Pokedex-like device. "THIS is the problem."
Dan, Rarity and Whooves weren't in a position to see the image, but a holographic blue picture displayed in front of the two lackeys.
"See? The gash running right through the side of the panel?"
"I see it. So?"
"A Jedi's blade did that."
Both grunts paused. The Cipher Peon held a hand to his chin. He lifted up the V-shaped visor of his helmet to get a better look. "So we've got at least one Jedi here now. Great. Well, just keep with the non-lethals and we should be fine."
The Team Flair grunt shook his head. "If the Jedi are here, that means THEY are here, too."
"You don't know that."
"I do know that."
"How exactly is that?" the Cipher Peon asked, flipping down his visor and walking on.
The Flair grunt shrugged. "We have the same sense of fashion." The two cronies departed the clock tower through the back. None of them even knew the building had a back exit, but apparently it did.
Quietly, Dan, Rarity and Doctor Whooves assembled. "What exactly were they talking about?"
"I heard one of them say something about a specter," Rarity said. "I don't think they were talking about ghosts, though."
"If they're worried about them, it might be something good. Something on our side," Dan said. "I heard a couple of them talk about Jedi."
Whooves nodded. "The star-faring knight-monks. I've met one."
"I've met two. The first one nearly cut me in half but..." Dan pulled out Samule L. Jackson's taser-saber, "he did give me a nice consolation prize."
"You actually have a lightsaber?" Whooves asked. "And when were you planning on using it?"
"When I found more batteries for it, doc. This thing doesn't exactly take Double-As. Now come on," Dan said, heading out the back. "Let's follow those two clowns. Maybe they'll lead us to the others."
They exited the clock tower discreetly, following the two cronies.
Some time ago Intercepted radio broadcast Goldenrod City, Johto transmission
"That's it for this week's Buena's Password. Up next, it's your favorite conspiracy theorists, Barro and Michael in the morning to talk about all the crazy mysteries of both Johto and Kanto. After that, it's call-in time with Captain Mike where we'll be taking all your college sports calls. Keep it rockin' on Goldenrod Radio, you're tuned in to satellite channel ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-nine, 'The Shine.' Back after this."
Unable to encrypt transmission Reception by other sources likely ... End playback.
The two Poke-cronies had vanished. Dan, Rarity and Doctor all followed where they went but they had seemed to have disappeared. Past the lobby of the clocktower was a garage for wagons and stagecoaches. Instead of stagecoaches though, there were vehicles of a different sort- criminal ones.
Team Rocket, Team Flare, but mostly Team Galactic's buggies filled the interior garage space. They didn't appear to have been used recently.
Dan decided to investigate one.
"Well?"
"Keys aren't in the ignition and I don't exactly know how to hot-wire... whatever these are," Dan said. "Friggin space car." Team Galactic's vehicles all were spherical and had bubble tops. Supported by four tires, they looked like something designed for Flash Gordon or the Jetsons rather than Sinnoh's resident criminal organization. Still, weird, buggy and spacey definitely described Team Galactic.
They followed the trail to the back of the garage. Rather than the exit, there were two doorways that seemed to lead out. But instead, they lead nowhere.
"What now?" Rarity asked. She shined a light from her horn.
"Wait! What's this?" The Doctor pointed to something just as the illumination spell glanced over it. "It's a switch!" Without hesitation, he pressed it. If Rarity or Dan had any objection of reckless, impulsive action of pressing a random switch with no knowledge of what it does, that objection was not quick enough formed to be expressed. Their next instinct was of course, to wait.
And nothing happened. So, the Doctor pressed the other five switches at random. To no avail.
"I don't think they're even powering anything," Dan said. "Or if they did to begin with. It's like they were trying to build an elevator and just stopped."
"A service elevator for the clock tower, perhaps," Rarity surmised. "Maybe they were in the process of building it before... well, you know. Rice happened."
"No," the Doctor shook his head. "No no no no. This, you see, THIS is a puzzle. It's a puzzle of some kind." The Doctor pressed his face against the wall in a cartoony fashion, large unblinking eyes examining every facet of the switch. "Or maybe this! Look, look at this handle!" He grabbed a handle on the other side of the door and turned it. He turned it back and forth. "This, yes! You see, it's working! It's working and it's... it's... doing exactly nothing. Why? Why is it doing nothing?!"
"It's a service elevator, right? Well, they must've built the shaft for it."
"What are you doing?"
Dan got into a charging stance. "Stand back, Doctor!"
"No. NO! This is a puzzle! If you would just wait- if you would just gimme a minute!" Dan charged into the doorway. The closet-sized space could barely fit the Doctor, let alone the Doctor plus Dan. The human slammed into the bow-tied pony and then into the back of the wall. Apart from pain, nothing happened.
"I hate... humanity... sometimes."
"That makes one of us. I hate humanity all the time," Dan said. "And folks like you don't help things."
"For the third time, I am NOT a human."
"Did not say you were."
"Oh, like you were implying any other thing. ANY OTHER THING, DAN."
"Okay, Mr. I'm-not-a-human-lime, whatever you want to call yourself, you can-"
Rarity carefully levitated the two bickering males out of the elevator shaft and looked inward. She turned on one switch, then knocked at the wall with her hoof. The sound it made was solid. Carefully, she pressed the next one. Also solid. Up the board, she pressed each switch until finally, it sounded dull and echo-y. She turned the handle to the side and the doors opened.
"Boys! I think I've-"
Underneath her.
"AAAEEE!"
"RARITY!" they both exclaimed. Trapdoors opened beneath Rarity, dropping her down a tunnel.
"What do we- AAAHG!" The Doctor yelped as Dan picked him up and dove right after Rarity.
They fell down the chute for the better part of a minute. When they finally hit the bottom, Rarity was there to catch them. Or, more precisely, ladylike-ness prevented them from falling precisely on Rarity as she recomposed herself. Meaning she caught them with her magic while dusting herself off and gently laid them down.
"Where are we now?" Doctor Whooves asked.
"Doctor, you were wanting to solve a puzzle?" Rarity asked. She gestured over her shoulder at a massive, cog-shaped door behind her. "I believe we've found it."
Directly in front of them, covering an entire wall of the small, below-ground room they were in was the gear-shaped door. Emblazoned in the center of the massive cog's frame was the number four painted in faded yellow. Stable 4.
"It's another Stable," Dan said. "Another Stable-Tec Stable."
"I thought that Stable-Tec wasn't around any more," Rarity said.
Dan nodded. "They're not. Vice Grip's company bought them out. Before they went under, they built all these Stables. The Director's little projects," he said, bristling at the mention of his hated foes. "Me and Nicky found one near the train tunnel near Canterlot when the CMC went missing. That was Stable Three... this must be Stable Four."
"Derpy and I tried to infiltrate Stable Five," the Doctor said. Rarity and Dan both turned to him. "While you both were away."
"Where'd you find Stable Five?" Dan asked.
"North. Near Mount Prosperity. It's Rice's main base, or it was. Very heavily fortified."
Dan rubbed his chin. "I've heard about it before. You. You are drawing me a map there once we get done with all this. And finding our friends, yes."
"The townsfolk might be inside this Stable."
"Yes! Yes, the Director was obsessed with kidnapping ponies, collecting them or something. Creepy stuff, but it means they might be inside!" Dan exclaimed.
"Exactly. Exactly, Dan," the Doctor said, smiling. "So, all we need to do is... find a way to open the door."
"Right. And let's both agree not to do what we just did a minute ago upstairs."
"Agreed."
A few seconds later, Doctor Whooves was randomly pressing buttons and turning handles and dials at the seemingly non-functional Stable door controls while Dan repeatedly charged into the door itself, to no avail. Rarity rubbed the side of her forehead, doing her best to maintain her composure.
Dan and the Doctor hung helplessly, surrounded by a sparkly, bluish glow. They lightly bobbed as they hung in the air, the stallion with an expression of slight curious bewilderment and the human a very unimpressed scowl.
"So."
"..."
"What made you throw your lot in with this bunch?"
Dan turned to Whooves. "What do you mean by that?"
The Doctor shifted his head. "You don't exactly seem like you'd... well, be the type to get along with a bunch of magical horses. Talking ponies and whatnot. Happy, giggly, cute non-stop-"
"I told you to STOP. Okay? One question, one statement. Then stop. No running dialogue," Dan instructed. "No commentary, no-"
The Doctor interrupted. "I'll do my thing, you can do yours, thank you very much," he said, folding his forelegs. "As I've said, I'm not from here either. You can't just boss me around."
"Okay, number-one, no. Number-two, I don't care, and number-three, yes I can. I'm captain of the guard and that makes me captain of your limey flank while it's on my turf," Dan stated.
"Fine. Captain all the arses you want. You can be the King of Arsequestria for all I care, long may you reign," Whooves said, throwing his hooves up. "What I want to know is WHY you decided to do it. Why even stay here if you have to go through all of... this?"
Dan shrugged. "It's not complicated. Twilight... pretty much everyone here gave me a second chance. Before, I'd always been about getting back at people. Payback. Other people might wait around for karma, but I don't. Then, Equestria made me realize it's not enough just to get payback for myself." The young human looked past Doctor Whooves for a moment as he spoke. "Some people deserve a second chance. Even if they don't know it."
"You're talking about Earth."
Dan nodded. "Is there even a difference any more? If Equestria and Earth and... everything are all connected, are they even different things?"
The Doctor paused briefly, as if to consider the question. Then, he said, "Sure. Time connects a lot of things, too. It's all part of history. Or, different histories. The same place, the same people can change and become different. As different as one moment to the next. I mean, just look at me. I've been a Time-lord, a human, a dragon, a pony, man and woman and there was this one time I became a dalek and-"
"You're doing it again."
"Yes. I tend to ramble. And think out loud. And ponder and pontificate and postulate until the next point in my life," the Doctor said, half-admission and half-declaration. "I think and I tinker with problems. I help people. That's what every Doctor has in common."
Dan did not respond to that. The speech on thinking actually got Dan to think about what the Doctor said. Specifically, what he said about people and places being different and the same when separated by time. Were Vice and Rice really the same pony separated by the ages? If Vice was the pony equivalent of Dan as both he and the Director had said, did that mean Dan had another transformation down the road? Or had it already happened?
...Nah, he was Dan. But maybe there was a way to get Vice and Rice back together.
Rarity approached the two hovering males. "Well, I'm happy to see you two getting along better."
"Yes. We're playing nice now."
"Would you mind putting us down? Please?"
Rarity smiled and released them from her magical grasp. After the two of them spent twenty minutes nearly killing each other trying to get the Stable door open, she used a levitation spell to give them a timeout. Her magical abilities had improved significantly since she was escaped from Rice's clutches, but even then, she had always been adept with kinetic and levitation spells. Helped to hold things while she made her dresses.
"So did you get the door open?"
"After quite a while, yes. Yes I did. It was not easy, but with perseverance, patience and a bit of magic, I succeeded," she said, beaming slightly.
Dan looked at the door, then back to Rarity, then to the door again, then back to Rarity again. "You teleported through the door and opened it from the other side, didn't you?"
"I did say a BIT of magic, didn't I?"
Dan frowned. "I'm going to steal Rice's technoporting thingy and I'll be able to do that, too. After I kill him. Of course."
"Of course."
There was no warm welcome, or a welcome of any kind when they entered Stable Four. Considering the last Stables the group had been in, they were each thankful for that fact. The lights came on automatically when the door opened but there were no armed guards, no automated voices and no trap doors.
And then a golden, three-armed, three-eyed floating robot came out of nowhere to greet them.
"Hello! I'm Mr. Cap-Apble and I'm here to-"
*BLAM*
"FUCK!"
"Holy piss!"
"Dear goodness, Dan!"
Dan reloaded Dollars' shotgun and fired again. *BLAM* "Okay... everything is okay. It's dead now."
"What in the hell was it? Why did you do that?!" the Doctor frantically demanded.
"Really Dan, to just shoot the poor thing when we don't even know what it is..."
"Oh, but we DO know what it is," Dan said, reloading. And as he did, another one came into view.
The Doctor let go of his ears. Putting both hooves on the ground, he asked, "Why?"
"Why, Dan?" Rarity asked as well.
"Because. The last time I saw one of these things, it was at the day spa. In Ponyville. Trying to lobotomize you," Dan said.
Rarity looked at the two sparking piles of refuse. "You think... you think Yes-Man is behind this?"
"It wouldn't surprise me. Haven't seen that creepy face-in-a-box since Nightmare Night. Kinda happy about that fact, too."
"Yes-Man?" Doctor asked.
"A robot Rice came up with to gather data on the ponies and Dan. He was sent to experiment on the town for some reason," Rarity said.
Dan tapped his chin. "We saw that pink goo again that time. Before that, Flim and Flam had some kind of gum..."
"Pink goo?" Doctor asked.
Dan nodded. "I have a feeling we're gonna find more here. Just like we found inside the factory at the center of Equestria," he said. He headed deeper into the Stable, shotgun ready.
"Factory at the center of Equestria? Honestly? Is anyone going to fill me in on that one?" the Doctor asked. He'd have to wait for an answer until later as he was forced to follow Dan and Rarity.
Dan decided to shoot the doors open. Because he could. Every time he did, Doctor Whooves would wince like it was artillery going off, but Rarity eventually got used to it. Well, not really used to it so much as she just began to expect it. They did find a couple more robots, both of which didn't notice them as the first two did but which Dan scrapped just the same.
"Mr. Cap-Apble..." Rarity said, poking at the eye stalk of one of the destroyed bots. "Why does that name sound familiar?"
Dan realized he recognized the name as well. And then, that feeling of familiarity became annoyance. He realized he remembered what it was from, and that reminder came with irritation.
"Bah. It's from Fallout: Equestria. More of the Director's fan crap."
"Wasn't Yes-Man also in Fallout Equestria?" Doctor asked.
"Ehhh... maybe one of the spinoffs. You'd have to ask Chrys or Twilight; I'm more of a Daring Do fan."
The Doctor grinned. "Are you a Doctor Whooves fan?"
Dan reloaded the shotgun again. "I don't think you want me to answer that."
"On second thought, you might be right. Please, carry on~"
"Right."
The Stable's hallways branched off into three separate wings, each one an enormous box-like floor surrounded by windows. Underground windows surrounded the different levels of the wings, with lab rooms and testing chambers in the center of the floors.
Dan looked out through one of the windows. "They've got more tunnels leading out. Big enough for a car or train, maybe."
"You said big enough for a car? There seems to be tire tracks over here," Doctor Whooves said. Rarity had less experience with cars and didn't know what to look for.
Dan nodded. "Maybe Stable Four tested vehicle designs. Might explain the garage above us."
"Stable Four... as in four-by-four," the Doctor said.
"Oh, if they stole my car and have it down here, I'm going to kill them. I mean, I'll thank them for having my car here and I'll take it back from them, but I'll also kill them. Kill and thank at the same time. Ki-thank them. Something like that."
Whooves frowned. "Now YOU'RE doing it. See? See how easy it is?"
"He has a point, Dan."
"Okay, fine. So I'm kind-of a revenge fanboy. Revengeboy. Oh gawd, if I start talking like you, use this on me," Dan said, holding up the shotgun.
"Do you want me to hold onto that for you now?"
"Actually, no. Nevermind. I'll just use it on everyone else first."
"How very reassuring," Whooves remarked. "Your answer to depression is to kill everyone else instead. Very therapeutic."
"I do enjoy putting people out of their misery," Dan said. "Doctor Dan's got your twelve-gauge medicine right here."
"You need serious mental help."
"Don't we all."
Rarity stopped in front of a poster. There were dozens of the typical framed propaganda posters throughout the Stable, all of which was to be expected. The Stables were publicly touted as 'functional homages' to the beloved Fallout: Equestria novel. Stables 1 and 2 were located in Canterlot and Ponyville respectively, though not precisely in the locations they were in the book, and served as tourist attractions before Stable-Tec went completely bankrupt. Which was intentional.
"That's odd," Rarity said, touching the poster. "I didn't know there were humans... humans in Fallout: Equestria?" Rarity asked herself. "No, that's not right."
"Well, in some of the mods there are... what are you talking about?" Dan asked.
"This poster. It's Littlepip and a human."
Back-to-back, a brightly-smiling Littlepip held her hoof outstretched with a human at her side, arm outstretched giving a thumbs-up. Above them read the caption Teamwork Today Means A Better Tomorrow!. Underneath it was another caption that read Better Future. Together Future. - Stable-Tec
"Maybe it's cross promotion. Or in this case, crossover promotion," Dan suggested.
"There's more over here," Rarity said. Another poster held a picture of a hand and a hoof embracing, wearing a PipBoy and PipBuck respectively.
"Ahhh," Dan nodded. "I think I've got it. This Stable was obviously for humans and ponies. A hybrid."
"I'm not so sure about that," Doctor Whooves said. "Look at this."
The final framed poster in the room wasn't of Littlepip, a human or anything from any Fallout universe that they knew of. It was Twilight Sparkle and the Mane Six dressed as different versions of Link, the main character from the Legend of Zelda video game series. The poster depicted the Link-Twilight fighting Ganondorf, the series' main villain. Each of the Mane Six held one of Link's iconic items- Applejack with a huge hammer, Fluttershy had the bow and arrows, Rainbow Dash with the boomerang, Rarity with the hookshot and Pinkie Pie, naturally held up a bomb in each hoof. A puzzled Spike held a small conductor's baton and an ocarina in each claw
"Oooooooookay then. Crossover promotion is looking a bit more likely."
Continuing the search yielded more evidence to that fact. Every room and hallway had some form of motivational framed poster placarded in it somehow. Some seemed to promote new adventures for the Mane Six, Derpy, Daring Do or Celestia and Luna, all of which were crossed over with something else in some way. One in a hallway showed the Mane Six as the crew of their own Star Trek spinoff, another showed Derpy as a secret agent, two different ones showed Celestia and Luna fighting against the Decepticons from Transformers.
"Are these posters for movies or games?" Dan asked.
"I don't know," Rarity said. "Perhaps neither? Or... both?"
"Or something more," Doctor Whooves said.
Dan looked at the posters. Each one of them showed most of the characters with confident, happy expressions. Heroic. A few weren't even violent- there was one that showed the Mane Six racing cars and another that showed them vacationing on a tropical island. There wasn't a single poster that showed them as sad or upset or in real danger.
Eventually, they shot their way into the Overmare's office. Despite being based on an FOE Stable, the office was labeled Overseer and not Overmare. Also, some of the posters clearly showed Littlepip alongside other stallions.
Which wasn't too unexpected. In the original Fallout: Equestria, Littlepip was a lesbian with a marefriend, Homage, but by the time the novel was released, lesbian relationships were seen as cliche. Due in no fault to the book itself, Equestria was just predominantly female, with mares outnumbering stallions by a full third in every major city. The most common pony in Equestria's population was the female earth pony, with the male pegasus being least common. Although not at all rare, it explained why ponies like Thunderlane were popular with the ladies.
As such, female/female relationships became prevalent, especially in fiction, then waned as the public lost interest. Many fans shipped Littlepip with one of her male companions in different alterations of Fallout Equestria, though the original canon is undisputed. People just liked to do things their own way, and with fanfiction, they were free to do so.
"You think the Director shipped Littlepip with Vault Boy?" Whooves asked.
"I... really don't care," Dan said. He started to off with 'I don't think so' but quickly changed it. "I might keep one of these posters, though. Springer's a total purist. Would piss her off soooo much to see art of straight LP."
Captain Springer, having grown up in the real Pegasus Enclave, was very much a fan of Fallout: Equestria, and even kept an autographed copy of the book in her locker. A lesbian as well and a bit of a hothead, the Director originally was able to get Springer on her side by convincing her that Kkat's book was essentially a prediction of the future that would happen with or without her. Although she since repatrioted, changing FOE in any way would indeed infuriate her.
"Bit nerdy coming from you, Dan," Whooves said.
Dan shrugged. "Again, Ima revenge fanboy. Now help me get it out from under the frame."
"Why don't you just shoot it off?" was the question Doctor Whooves asked and then immediately regretted. Dan pulled out his shotgun and fired at the frame. The shot bounced off the magically-protected frame, off the magically-protected wall and into the not-magically-protected plate glass window, which shattered. Then, the alarm sounded.
"Great. Now you went and broke everything."
"Relax," Dan said, barely raising his voice at all over the sound of the alarms. "There's nobody even here. We'll just find and shoot the alarm and it'll shutoff. The only ones that would've responded anyway were the-"
The voices echoed, almost becoming a single "HELLO" as they rose to a near-deafening pitch. Mr. Cap-Apble robots poured out of the tunnels, the doorways, the hallways and all of them immediately surrounded Dan, Rarity and Doctor Whooves. The robots crowded them so much that Dan was only able to shoot three more of them before he was disarmed by crowding alone.
A single spritebot descended from the ceiling. Its television screen-face turned on to reveal a familiar, yet unpleasant expression to Dan.
"Hi there! Did you miss me?" Yes-Man asked.
"No," Dan replied, both a direct answer and response to the entire situation they were in. Unfortunately, his answer was overruled.
Rad: An Underground Club With Fights but not Fight Club
First, there was the chanting. Dan hated chanting. Then, there were the bright lights and more loud noises. Dan hated bright lights and loud noises. Then, there was the large underground stadium arena complete with bleachers full of cheering and jeering fans behind transparent walls in a colosseum-like atmosphere. Yes, this is the part where we'd normally write that out, too, but we've done that before and you get it by now. Dan hated that, too.
Over all the noise though, a soft, electronic voice announced: "Round Two: Begin!"
Dan, Rarity and Doctor Whooves couldn't exactly see where they were going. Because they were being held by their limbs and carried through an underground tunnel of some kind. At first, it looked like Stable 4, but then it branched off into something different, something weirder. It smelled like a subway tunnel.
Rarity could have tried to use her magic to escape, Dan could have struggled to get free, The Doctor could have... done something. Probably. But there were just two many Mr. Cap-apble robots. Led by the eternally-cheerful floating television box, Yes-Man, the situation seemed about as unpleasant as it smelled. And then it both simultaneously became worse-looking and worse-smelling.
The robotic mob tossed the three of them into a pen. Wherever they were, the stadium was nearby because they could still hear the incessant shouting. And they weren't alone.
"Well, we haven't been interrogated or tortured. Yet," Doctor Whooves remarked.
Dan looked around. The pen was large, walls were high and topped with transparent paneling. Wall itself was plain steel, went right into the dirt and had thick vertical chains at every interval connecting the pieces of clear paneling. Only one door, no guards or guard tower, floor was dirt. Not good. Such a setup meant confidence in the pen's ability to keep them in, otherwise it would be better guarded.
"Ha! They think this can keep us in? All I have to do is take the ole' Sonic Screwdriver and... and..." And The Doctor remembered he didn't have his Sonic Screwdriver. "Why does reality hate me so?"
"Probably finds you as annoying as I do. Sorry, sorry, we're... trying to be friends now, I get that," Dan said, comforting the bow tie'd pony. "And they obviously think they can keep us in wherever this is. They didn't bother with security cameras, lasers, automated sentry guns or even a single, lousy, incompetent security guard."
"Well, except for Schultz again."
Schultz: I see nooootthhhhhhingggggggggg...
"The others don't exactly seem in a hurry to greet us," Rarity said. Their fellow prisoners seemed to be spread out in the pen, clustered towards the edges.
"Can't say I blame them. Almost seems as if-"
*BLANNG*
"-the fuck?"
Red lights around the cage suddenly blared on. Not flashing, but solid, red lights. Which was never a good sign. Suddenly, the other occupants of the large cell began shifting, panicking as they avoided the center of the room.
"Beginning preliminary selection."
"Well, that sounds terrific," Dan said. And then, three Mr. Cap-apbles descended from the ceiling.
"Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!"
"Oh, crap." "Rarity, get behind me," Doctor Whooves said.
"Oh, will you relax. Honestly, I bet Rarity could teleport us through these walls," Dan said, examining said wall. "Seriously, just get over here and we'll- AAh! Hey, HEY! GET OFF!" The Cap-apbles apparently selected Dan. "Let go of me you, flying toasters! When I get my hands on all of you, I'll destroy your entire product line! YOU APPLIANCES WILL RUE THE DAY!" Dan continued threatening them as they carried him away, back up into the ceiling hatches.
Rarity and Whooves gulped. "I see now why there's no interrogation. They have, clearly, a much different torture planned."
The marshmallow mare nodded, shaken but recovering. "I... I think Dan might've been right, though. I might be able to teleport us through the cage walls."
Whooves nodded. "I would suggest doing that as soon as possible. Say, now, maybe. Right now. No need to delay."
"I see they picked up the last of the loyalists. Unfortunate," a voice remarked. They turned around to see a trio of humans approaching them, humans they'd noticed before but hadn't really paid much attention to. Perhaps now, helpless and Dan-less, there was no other choice.
"And you are?"
The first man wore a worn gray uniform. Despite its condition, he adjusted the collar. "I am Commander Kelsan, Ferro Kelsan of the Star Destroyer Preceptor. With me are Sergeant Norman Cooper and Staff Sergeant Joseph Hooper." The other two men, Imperial stormtroopers, said nothing.
"You're... you're really with the Empire? The Galactic Empire? The evil one?" Whooves asked, whether intentionally or unable to control himself, no one knew.
Kelsan closed his eyes, frustrated. "We ARE the Empire, yes. And you are both with the local resistance, correct?"
Rarity and Doctor Whooves realized they were the only ponies in the pen. They both nodded. "I guess so."
"And the other new arrival, he was with you?"
"That was Dan," Rarity said. "He's our friend. And he's a royal guard," she quickly added. "Royal personal bodyguard of sorts. But to Twilight. Not to me."
"Where did they take him?" Whooves asked. "Torture or interrogation?"
The Imperial sneered as he looked upward. "That's selection. Your friend's been picked for the arena."
"Arena?"
"The colosseum you passed, they force prisoners to fight in it. For the paying amusement of the crowd and the gamblers," Kelsan explained. He chuckled. "I'm sure it must be quality entertainment. For them."
"Entertainment?" Rarity asked in disbelief. "They're forcing people to fight each other?"
Kelsan laughed again, which made both Rarity and Whooves uncomfortable. "No, not each other. Something far worse." The Imperial officer nodded outside the pen. On a wall above the pen on the outside was a picture. Not a video monitor, not a display screen but... a picture. A magical view of the stadium, which served the same purpose as if it was a colossal flat screen television, but was magic. That fact would have been a clue to them, but they didn't realize it.
Dan was dumped onto the ground yet again. The flying multi-armed robots simply dropped him and flew off.
"When I get out of this, I'm killing every robot I see. Every single one of them," Dan said, standing and dusting himself off. He may have been forgetting there were a couple robots he kind-of liked. "And what fresh, family-friendly hell have I been dropped into this time?"
The stadium's bleachers were packed with fans, most of them wearing robes of some kind. Balled fists thrusted into the air with shouts and jeers as the excited noise filled room. The arena's dirt floor was tan with a reddish tinge, either by nature or from the blood spilled on it.
"Oh, I get it... I'm a gladiator now? Is that what this is?"
"Selection is still in process. Please hold all bets until selection is completed!"
Dan looked around. Magical windows showed him standing at the end of the stadium, looking around. If there was an opponent for him, he had not seen them yet.
"ALL OF YOU PEOPLE CAN BITE ME! YOU WANNA SEE A SHOW?! COME IN HERE WITH ME, I'LL RIP YOU ALL APART AT THE SAME TIME!!!" Dan shouted. And that actually made the crowd louder. They cheered more, some even cheered his name. "YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS!!! I HATE YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!" Again, they cheered louder, even chanted his name. He ran up to the edge of the stadium and pounded on it in a rage. "STOP BEING EXCITED FOR ME!!!!!!!"
And again, that only made them more excited. Several females, or at least what appeared to be female to Dan, approached him and pressed their metal and glove-covered hands against the glass. Dan didn't know what the creatures were, only that he hated them and for some reason, they loved him for it. Which made him hate them more.
"...You people need help. Very serious help." "DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN!" "Stay away from me. All of you."
"Ohhhh ho ho ho, and what do we have here? If it isn't Dan, Equestria's favored jerk in our midst!"
Dan turned around. All the magical screens had changed. High in the center of the stadium, a figure appeared, a dark purple-robed human with a metal mask and huge, triangular pauldrons. He floated in midair and held a huge scepter.
"Our lord Chancellor Rice has sentenced dear Captain Dan to death..." the figure announced. The audience immediately reacted negatively to that news. "What say you, my patrons? Shall we let the arena decide his fate?!" Cheers to that announcement.
"And who are you supposed to be? The phantom of the hobo opera?"
"Hahahahahaha! Foolish Dan..."
"I hate where this is going already."
"I am the Dark Magistrate, ruler of Neo Olde Tokyo! And you have entered my GRAND ARENA where you shall fight to the death for my paying audience!" the figure announced.
"Dark... Magistrate... wait a minute," Dan said, remembering back. "You! Yeah, you're from Steel Samurai!"
"BLAGH! How dare you speak the name of that... that... armor-plated fool!" the Magistrate said, recoiling.
Dan walked up to the center of the stadium. "Not a fan, huh? Well listen, you're not on your show any more, bub. You're in mine. Why don't you come down here and I'll give your crowd something real to see."
"Hahaha... I think not," the Magistrate said. "But fear not, for I do have plenty of other entertainment in store for you. If there are no further objections, let me reintroduce you to one of your old friends, Dan! Oh, Captain?"
Another trio of Cap-apbles descended, this time carrying another human. And it was a human Dan recognized. The Cap-apbles landed him carefully at the opposite end of the arena and one even handed him a shield.
"Stevie? Stevie!" Dan approached his dear friend, Captain America. "Stevie, did they get you to? Oh..." And then Dan realized it wasn't quite his dear friend Captain America, but something else wearing a Captain America suit. "You uh... you've been working out."
"Ree... reee... REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" The 'Cap-thing' shouted, slapping his shield like a drum.
Corrupted Super Soldier/Avenger Captain AmeREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEca Elementally-polarized Steve Rogers
"Stevie... STEVIE!" Dan dodged with a fraction of a second to spare. Captain America charged by 'ree'-ing like an annoying train. Having already been on one of those today, Dan was not amused.
"Stevie, that's not very nice. Now, I know they did something to you-" Cap grabbed Dan by the collar, snatching him up like a garbage bag and flung him in the same motion. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" And he crashed into the glass barrier. Face mashed cartoonishly against the wall for all fans to see, he peeled off partly and slowly slid to the ground.
Before Dan reached the ground, Cap was over him. He bent over the smaller man, looking him in the eyes like some sort of deranged predator. It was clear Steve Rogers was not at home right now and even leaving a message wasn't likely to help. The taller man snarled at Dan with bloodshot eyes and grabbed him by the collar yet again, yanked him up before he touched the ground. Again, Dan was flung in a single quick motion, as if Cap had been chucking an empty briefcase over his huge shoulders.
Captain America was quick. Compared to Dan, he was faster, stronger, built like an Olympian made of steel. And that was before what happened to him. Now, Cap was a full foot taller AND wider, his bulk had increased exponentially and he basically looked like he guzzled steroids. His feet, hands and head were still a bit on the small side, despite his arms, legs, neck and body looking like an over-stuffed sausage.
Despite this, he maintained his speed, if not his sanity. Dan raised himself half up, still sitting on the floor and for a moment, Cap did nothing. Cap stared at Dan like a gorilla would stare outside of its cage, incapable of fully comprehending the entire situation. His eyes held that deranged sort of anger that a lobotomized person might hold, a mixture of anger and curiosity.
"Oh hoho-hoho!" the Magistrate laughed. "Not doing so good, eh Dan? Your friend Steven's been a bit, shall we say, enhanced."
"You turned him into a roid monkey!! You floating purple tampon!"
"Blahaha, wait, what? Tampon?"
"You look like a Prince fanboy got hit in the head with a toaster!" Dan shouted. "Captain Injection here, I can deal with, but you-*CLUNK*" Actually, Dan only thought he could deal with Captain America here. The Cap himself, far larger and quite fast, was able to whack Dan around with his shield.
Oddly though, Captain America seemed confused by the shield. His crazed form seemed to have lost the ability to wield his symbolic signature tool, now puzzled and awkward with it, yet bound to it. A bit dazed, he looked up at the man he used to call his friend, watching him shift uncomfortably as he fiddled with the shield on his arm and hands, switching from one to the other, unsure how to use it. Finally, Cap put the shield on his head like a hat and grinned, having finally decided.
This was the true corrupted Captain America. Everything he was wasn't gone. The noble man was just buried under chemicals and magic, a potent cocktail of techno-mystic-genetic poison that altered him into this state. Dan didn't know this for sure, but just maybe, some part of Steve Rogers remained underneath all of Rice's scientific corruption.
"Steve! Steve!" Dan called at him. The success with his shield had momentarily distracted him, but no longer. He turned to Dan, slack-jawed. "Nice helmet, Brooklyn. They're going to call you Captain Special Needs from now on."
Insensitive as it was, Captain America didn't understand it. But he did understand that he was being taunted. Scraping the ground with his foot, he lowered his head. Dan braced himself.
"Reeeerrrr... reeeeerrr...ree... ree... reee... reeeeee... REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Cap charged, full speed at Dan with his head lowered like a pathetic patriotic-looking battering ram with no plan past impeachment. Yeah, I'm not unbiased, this is still free, by the way.
Dan was completely prepared for him this time. He grabbed the edges of Cap's shield, shifted his weight to one side quickly and spun around Cap as he charged by. The motion whipped Cap around, causing him to lose balance and fall, but less than a second later, he was up again.
"RALLLLGH!" He roared at Dan, absolutely ape that his hat had been removed, and jumped at him. Dan raised the shield like Captain America against Captain America and the larger human's fists came down on it. A gong-like sound reverberated out as he pounded at his own shield, not smart enough to just take it from Dan. He continued hammering down, bashing the shield with his giant, overly-muscled arms. Dan may have been pushed back a step or two, but he stood firm, bracing against the man's assault. The shield, as was its design, took most of the force.
"WHY. WHY U NO FALL DOWN. WHY YOU NO FALLSH TO SHTEVEN?!"
Dan flashed a grin. "You know, I could do this all day."
That stopped Cap. The mentioning of one of his own quotes, one of his own sayings he held onto, it reached something deep inside the hulking monster. "THATSHHHHHHH... thatsh wha I... I shas."
"Yes, Stevie, I know. You told me that, you said that to me once. Remember? That delivery at SHIELD headquarters? Remember when you argued with the driver?" Dan asked. Was he reaching him? He had to try something. He brought up the first time he met Steve Rogers, back when he was helping with the remodeling at SHIELD's L.A building. "The driver wanted you to sign for something, but you said you couldn't, so I tried to fight you to make you sign it?"
Captain America's face was slack-jawed again, but not angry. "Youss... youss..." The man couldn't speak without drooling at least a little. "Youbbbb bbbuhhh..."
"C'mon Steve," Dan said. Panting, the smaller human's eyes sparkled with hope.
"Yous... youuuuugggsss..." Steve snarled. "YOUSSS INS MY WAAAAAAYYY!!!" Cap charged him again, lunged at him and tackled him to the ground. He then quickly headbutted at Dan, Dan blocked with the shield, but the force of the blow drove the back of the shield into Dan's face. Cap continued slamming his own face into the shield thereby slamming the shield into Dan, causing Dan's head to repeatedly bounce off the floor and back into the shield. Suffice to say, Dan was not having a fun time.
At the same time, Rarity and Dr. Whooves were watching the events in the magic viewer window thingy.
"So this is basically Fight Club?" Whooves said.
"For the third time, this is NOT Fight Club," Kelsan, the Imperial officer said.
"But it's a club," Whooves persisted. "With fights. And it's underground."
"This is NOTHING like the movie 'Fight Club'. I don't know where you're even getting that idea from!"
"Because it's a fight club," Whooves replied. "So it's basically like Fight Club."
Kelsan pinched his eyes shut in frustration. "This argument is pointless."
"Right," the Doctor said, folding his hooves. "And I'm sure you and your friends aren't in on this. We saw your friends before we came down here. You honestly expect me to believe you're not running this show?"
"The Magistrate is the one that runs things!" Kelsan said, pointing at the floating purple figure on screen. "HE's the one behind all this! He's been capturing people all over the place and forcing them to fight."
Rarity nudged the Doctor. "Darling, you're sure this is the best time to... question them? We're not exactly in the right circumstances to be choosy."
Doctor Whooves raised an eyebrow. "And? Dan doesn't trust anyone you go along with him?"
"Yes! But why exactly are you picking just now to take his advice?" Rarity whispered aggressively. Aggressive whispering, adorable and still ladylike, though Rarity would prefer the term 'prompt yet polite inquiry.'
"BECAUSE IT'S THE FECKING GALACTIC EMPIRE," Whooves exclaimed.
Norman tugged at Kelsan's shoulder. "Sir, we have a new problem."
"Wonderful. What is it now, sergeant?"
The stormtrooper pulled out his datapad. A holographic display of a ship appeared, one Kelsan recognized.
"Well, that's... fuck."
"Feck."
"Whatever. How long?"
"Minutes maybe," Norman replied.
"Fantastic. We need to get moving."
"Excuse me," Rarity interrupted, "but what was that?"
Kelsan turned, something between grin and grimace on his face. "Your friend, Barro's found us."
"Ahh, right, right," Whooves nodded. "Who is Barros again?"
"The pony from the news, Doctor," Rarity explained.
"Ahh, yes yes. Him. The former tellycaster shelling us from orbit?" Whooves asked. They nodded. "Yes, him indeed... oh! Didn't Dan say he had a way to beat him?"
Rarity nodded. "Yes! He did! Dan's quite good at plans. If we can get to him before... well, before poor Captain mashes him to a pulp."
"Wait one moment. You're saying Dan knows a way we can shoot Barro down?" Kelsan asked. Both stormtroopers crowded around him. "Did he say how?"
"Well, um, he didn't mention how. But he seemed quite confident," Rarity explained.
"Why do you care? We're underground. Surely he can't hit us here, can he?"
Another nervous grim from Kelsan as he tugged his collar. "Oh, he can... and likely will try if he isn't already. Especially us."
"Why especially you?"
"Your friend, Barro, isn't a fan of the Empire," Norman explained.
"We've confirmed he was aiding the Rebellion, raising an army on Equestria. Elite pilots, prototype ships, his own private fleet," Joseph added.
Kelsan nodded grimly. "He's obsessed with destroying the Empire. And he has the means to do so with that ship of his. The railgun mounted on it, we've never seen anything like it. It destroyed our ship before our weapons were even in range. That weapon is truly terrifying. Goes through shields, through armor... through everything."
"A gun that can pierce any armor. Like a sword that can break any shield," Rarity said.
"Bit poetic," the Doctor remarked.
"Yes, so erm, you'll understand my uh, skepticism about Mister Dan's plan to stop THAT."
The Doctor thought for a moment. "Maybe he's not planning on stopping it."
"What?"
The ceiling rumbled. Several of the lights flickered. A few of the magical view thingies suddenly went to static.
When Twilight woke up, she was not in Tartarus. Tartarus, she knew, having been there at least once to study it. The realm of Tartarus had a smell to it like a steel mill; sulfur, molten metal, smoke and the like. Wherever she was now smelled like an antique shop or a museum, dusty and ceramic-y. Which was its own unique kind of unpleasant since she could tell she wasn't in either.
"Hello? Hellooooooooo?" Her voice should have echoed, but it didn't. She was in some sort of tunnel made of stone, like in the chambers of a temple or ruin. Behind her was a stone wall, ahead of her a thin cloud of mist obscuring the distance. Not exactly the best situation to be in.
"Hello?" she asked again, hoping there would be an answer, half-knowing there wouldn't be one. There wasn't. She leaned forward and lit her horn, trying to peer as far as she could ahead of her. It didn't help much. Finally, she tried a last resort.
She flashed multiple times, disappearing and then reappearing constantly. For about a dozen instances, she tried to teleport back to Ponyville, back to Canterlot, back anywhere using her vast magical powers, to no avail. Every time she teleported, she was instantly redirected to the same exact spot, like a disconnected phone.
"We're sorry. The location you've dialed is not available. Please hang up and try again." Her horn beeped off.
Her eyes swirled, dazed. Slowly, she steadied herself and got to her hooves again. Teleporting that many times that quickly was both exhausting and disorienting. When a pony teleported, they warped the space of their location and destination simultaneously. In his writing, Starswirl the Bearded described the art and science of teleportation as the pulling of one's self out of one space and into another simultaneously, like pulling a rabbit out of a hat but with yourself instead.
Teleportation spells required a lot of magic, skill and energy even in small castings. Suppressing them wasn't actually hard at all, so it wasn't surprising to Twilight she couldn't just warp out of here. Yet, she tried a few more times.
"Uhhhhhggg... okay, Twilight... that wasn't smart. What are you doing?" she asked herself. She stood up and walked forward, lighting up her horn again.
There was a light further down the tunnel, but no other source of light. No lamps, torches, nothing. Moving forward, Twilight wasn't sure there even was a light source; it was the tunnel's own magic meant to draw her forward.
The tunnel opened up into a larger chamber. Twilight didn't know how large, however, as the same mist turned into a dense fog that rose from floor to ceiling, even covering her own hooves. As she entered the chamber, others joined her at either side and a man appeared in front of her.
"The kingdom is in danger. We must muster all we can to defend our home."
"What?" Twilight shined her light over the man's face. It was Dan.
"Do not listen to the princesses! They don't see this threat for what it is. The enemy is here. We can wait no longer."
Those around her were her friends. Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Applejack. Even Spike. As Dan spoke in front of them, Rainbow Dash stepped forward. The loyal pegasus joined Dan's side... and she changed into an Enclave pony.
"The princesses are wise, but they do not understand. They would sit idle while our neighbors fall to our foes. So many innocents will be lost if we do nothing."
Fluttershy was next. Just as Rainbow Dash did, she stepped forward and stood beside Dan, turned to face Twilight. As she did, she took up the spear and shield of Zen Zeal.
"This... what is this?" Twilight asked. "Is this a test?"
"Our foe is devious, deceitful. But we can win. We will prevail if we stand united. We cannot rely on Celestia or Luna. You are strong, Twilight Sparkle. Celestia and Luna both praise your talents. Will you join us?"
Applejack joined Dan. She gained a red scarf and armor similar to Gust Grasp. She faced Twilight with narrow eyes.
"Is this... the past?" Twilight asked. "Or is it the future?"
Dan continued. "The enemy does not care what happens to Equestria. They will simply destroy. We cannot allow this to happen. Will you join us, Twilight Sparkle?"
Pinkie Pie was the next to join Dan. She donned the armor of a sea pony warrior, the kind that attacked Ponyville.
"What do you mean, join you? I've... I've been with you this entire time!" Twilight said. "This... this is when you called us to action. But it's not the same."
"Nothing is ever the same thing twice," Dan explained. It was his voice but not his manner of speaking. He stood with his hands clasped in front of him. "But you did join us. Why?"
"I had to. The whole kingdom was in danger. Vice Grip had taken over the Crystal Empire, my brother, Cadence, everything..." Twilight stopped. Had she acted too quickly?
Dan nodded. "You now see the past with clarity. This was the decision your friends made. Each one of them had their own reasons. What was yours, Twilight Sparkle?"
Twilight thought. It was a question she hadn't asked herself. But the answer came to her quickly. "They were my reason. I fight for them. I had to."
"Indeed. The enemy would not grant your friends mercy. Without you, they would be lost."
Rarity joined Dan. When she turned to face Twilight, she did so, she was garbed in a black Mare Do Well jumpsuit like an assassin.
"You know now what would transpire because of your actions," Dan said. "To meet power with power. You weren't even united with your friends, but with new ones. With former enemies."
That was also true. Chrys had been first, but after that there had been Gust, the Enclave and others after that. But that was normal; enemies today became friends tomorrow, sometimes. It was the best solution of all, really, and Twilight knew that.
"That's true as well," Twilight said confidently. "When we make new friends, we gain new allies, even if they were once our foes. It takes strength to forgive and we become stronger for it."
The mysterious Dan figure smiled in the darkness. "But there are some things you can't forgive. You know this. Some acts require retribution, not redemption, to ensure they are never repeated." Spike walked over to stand at Dan's side. He turned around and changed into his Canterlot High self, that of a puppy, but he wore the helmet and chrome suit of Vice Grip's canine guards. He kind of looked like a little football player, which was cute, but also evil.
"Wait," Twilight stopped, "Spike has been with me the entire time. He went to the Crystal Empire with us. We were never separated when the kingdom was attacked."
"Of course he was. As was Dan," Dan said. "You all followed him, a human, an alien from another world to war with one of your own. Without the princesses... without your friends. And now, Twilight Sparkle, you are all alone. You know how this conflict plays out and what it does to your friends, your home and everyone you know and love. Will you still join Dan?"
Twilight's gaze dropped to the floor. Ponyville was gone. Canterlot, Cloudsdale, Equestria, all her friends... gone. Even Dan was gone. The pursuit of revenge, the inability, no, the refusal to accept reality, the reality that the princesses had failed and were gone, that Vice Grip had beaten them and won, that reality pressed on her head and had taken everything from her. It had taken everything from everyone. How could she possibly say yes?
She remembered back to what Dan did. All the memories of him standing up for them, fighting for them, he was as much one of her friends as Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Spike. So was Phoenix. His pursuit of justice was similar to the pursuit of revenge, but tended to end better, after it hit some awkward bumps. Every choice she had made had been hers. Equestria may have been gone, but her choices kept it going for longer than giving up or giving in ever would have.
"Yes. Because those were my decisions and those of my friends. We chose to act together. That's always better than acting alone."
...
The 'Dan' figure did not respond, just stood there. Smiling. His hands were clasped in front of him. The room suddenly became a lot creepier with the silence. Twilight's corrupted friends all stared at her, stared daggers into her.
"Knowing all that would happen, you wouldn't change a thing. Very good. Very good."
"Is this some kind of a... a test?" Twilight asked. "Because honestly, a pop quiz isn't really a test of anything except retention and results have proven that method to be inadequate in many cases, especially when it comes to applying knowledge. I mean, it's clear you're trying to assess a shift in my views against my moral foundations but honestly-"
"This is more than jus-"
"-you'd have to dive a bit deeper to examine the subject's decisions on a personal level, excluding the fact that there were others involved in the process originally, which adds variables that could influence any outcome and make it an inaccurate example of the subject's-"
"If you'd just pay attention, the reason for that is-" The 'Dan' figure became annoyed. The visions of Twilight's other friends exchanged confused glances, the Pinkie Pie one fell asleep.
"-hierarchy of importance and how it relates to the decision-making process, which wouldn't necessarily have an impact at the time, but would invariably have considerable importance to factor in any result and necessitate further inclusion and be reason for follow-up analysis to be conducted in a controlled-"
"ENOUGH!!" Dan shouted. "Enough... heheh. I mean, crap. Okay, back to being spooky and ominous."
"Would you like to start over?"
"No, I'm fine, thanks-"
"I can hold all questions until the end if you-"
The figure waved his hand. "That won't be necessary. There's one last choice for you to make, Twilight Sparkle. Just as you chose to be a princess after the choice was made for you, so too have you made another choice. To continue down the path you're walking despite this crossroads you have arrived at. You know your journey is not over yet."
"What do you mean?" Twilight asked, unsure of herself again.
"Your kingdom is lost. Your friends are gone. You know what Dan would want." Dan held out his hand. "You are all alone, Twilight Sparkle. Your friends have embraced the path of revenge. So too have you, in your own ways. You followed us for every step. Now, we ask you to join us."
"Join you?" Twilight repeated.
Dan nodded. "Join us. Complete your journey." He held out his hands, offering her to place her hooves in them, to join him. To join them all.
Twilight shined her horn over Dan's hands. They weren't Dan's hands. One was the polished metal gauntlet of Vice Grip, the light reflecting in the darkness. The other was the Director's corpse-like bony hand. In the palm of both was a tiny, glowing red horn. A Sword Spell in miniature form.
When Dan had been beaten senseless, Cap only beat him a dozen more times before stopping. His head rebounded off the shield and dirt so many times, he might as well have had it inside a bell. He felt like he could see the ringing in his head.
Cap's own head started ringing a bit from all the vibrations of smacking it against the shield. He stood up and yanked the shield out of Dan's weak grasp and tossed it aside, then did the same with Dan.
Again, Dan slowly staggered to his feet. "I can... I-auuuhh... auughhh..." And then he fell over again. Somewhere in his mind, the part of it that was still functional thought, 'I hate New Cap. I wish they'd bring back the Old Cap. They could even call him Cap Classic.'
That part of Dan's brain wasn't currently focused on the battle, but then again, the rest of him was getting whipped back and forth on the ground like a sack of laundry. A sock even loosed from the bag- wait, I mean, oh crap. Yeah... yeah, that's one of Dan's socks, actually. There goes the shoe with it. How did the sock fly off first? That doesn't even make sense; he'd have to have not been wearing it inside his shoe and... great. Now I'm questioning the physics of this story. Fan-fuckening-tastical.
But actually, physics themselves weren't quite working the way they should or usually did because of Equestria's destruction. They weren't ever quite normal, but they were a bit better than this.
Finally, when Cap had had enough, he prepared to step on Dan.
"If... if you no break... maybe you squish. SQUISH! SQUISHY SQUASHY LIKE LITTLE BUG! HA HA HA HA!" He dropped his foot down on Dan's head. Dan, by some last measure of his strength, grabbed it with his hands and prevented it from crushing him. Cap gritted his teeth and pressed down harder with his boot, pressing Dan's own hands against his face. With all that was left of his might, Dan held it back. Still, the boot pressed, and it was only a matter of time before Cap put his full weight on Dan and crushed his head like a melon.
In fact, Captain Corrupted America was about to do just that when something exploded into his side.
*Boom!* The massively bulked Cap staggered forward, missing Dan's head with his foot and stumbling. He still stood, however, and turned in the direction of whatever shot him in the back. If Dan had been mentally or physically inclined at that moment, he might've reminded his friend Steve that one should never turn in the direction you're being fired on from. The next missile hit Captain America right in the face.
*Boom!*
Cap had a split second to look confused at the object about to hit him before it smashed into his jaw and exploded. His perplexed, slow-witted expression was scorched as the bloated avenger toppled over and fell like a stone.
"What's this? Interference!! Don't make me call off this match!" Blaster shots interrupted the Dark Magistrate's speech, forcing him to retreat behind a rafter.
A dazed Dan lay on his back, looking straight up as the massive stadium lights danced in his vision. He needed medical attention. And he was about to get it from an unlikely source.
A green figure jetted overhead and landed next to him. A pair of firm hands grabbed him by his shoulders and propped him up. When his vision started to come around again, he saw his reflection. Dan saw his reflection in the black polished helmet visor of Boba Fett.
"Did you miss me?"
"BOBY!" Dan exclaimed, and threw his arms around the bounty hunter. "Oh, Boby, it's so nice you could come all the way from Cincinnati to see us. How's grandma?"
"Right then. This is gonna sting." Without hesitation, Boba jabbed Dan with a massive green vial attached to a syringe. An adrenal stimulant injector.
"Oh... oh," Dan said as the stimulants instantly flowed through his veins. The fog left his mind and the room suddenly went back into focus. "Oh... man, what was that?"
"The first dose."
"The first dose of wha-AHCK!" Boba hit him again with a different injector. "Oh... crap, that is some good stuff, whatever it is. I feel great! What- what did you just inject me with?"
"That last one was concentrated bacta, a potent healing substance. It'll heal your injuries and recover your stamina. The first one was refined Quesh venom extract."
"Oh... great. Wait, did you say venom?!"
"Move." Boba grabbed him by the shoulders and jetted out of the way as Cap's trunk-like arm came crashing down.
Even being held and saved by the man, Dan found it in himself to grab Boba Fett by his collar. "YOU INJECTED ME WITH VENOM? WHAT EVEN IS A QUESH?!"
"You'll be fine," Fett said, like everything that was happening to them was business as usual. Which, for him, it mostly was. "They give out stronger stuff Huttball players. It's just to get you back on your feet. Side-effects should be minimal."
Dan gummed his lips and scratched himself. "My tongue tastes weird and I think I peed a little."
"That was probably from before I got here."
"And exactly WHY are you here, again?" Dan asked. Both men jerked forward a bit as the edge of Captain America's fingers caught the tip of Boba's boot. The enlarged human was jumping at them, trying to reach them as they hovered overhead.
"You gave me a free meal. I pay back all my debts."
Dan looked perplexed for a moment. "Wait, the canned stew? You're saving my life because of that?"
"Debt's a debt."
"Okay, gonna stock up on the canned goods from now on in the event that honor-bound mercenaries come to visit. Good to know," Dan said. Boba had been trying to get a shot at the Magistrate when Captain America grabbed them yet again, this time getting a firmer grip on Boba's boot.
Boba dropped Dan, but the human was so pumped full of chemicals he didn't even feel it. He was on his feet in an instant and charged the massive form of the Corrupted Captain America.
"Hahaha! You're in for it now, Stevie! I've never been on steroids before but let's see how you like me now that I've added roid to my rage!!!" Dan ran up to Captain America. Cap spun around just in time to see him closing in. Dan delivered an uppercut right into the taller man's stomach. Dan's hand hurt.
"OWW!! Owww..." he waved his hand rapidly, dissipating the pain. "Why don't I have super roid monkey strength now?!"
"Because those weren't steroids! It was a medicinal infusion and an adrenal stimulant. Basically, a fast-acting injected ointment and antiseptic and an energy booster," Boba said, still struggling with Cap's grip.
"Oh, great. So like a quicker version of bandages and coffee."
"More like tea. It's higher caffeine content."
"Wonderful, now I'll never hear the end of it from-" Cap swept with his leg. He was trying to hold on to the wily bounty hunter and stomp Dan at the same time. It was at this time, as he was dodging Cap's leg, that Dan noticed something on the back of Cap's uniform. Specifically, on the man's back was a splotch of pink. It looked like he was leaking something from his suit.
"Hey! Boba!"
"What?!"
"Distract him!"
Boba was a man of few words. He did not question Dan, at least not out loud. While still being held by Captain America, Boba sprayed him with an oil slick. This had the purpose of freeing him and also further enraging the Captain. The grotesque human staggered back a bit, then reached for Boba again. The bounty hunter fired his whip cable at the man's enlarged, overly-muscled neck and it wrapped around it. Boba then engaged his jetpacks boosters and began pulling him forward.
Dan saw he had his opening. He ran up to the larger human, climbed on top of his massive frame and ripped open the back of his badly-stretched uniform. And he saw what he needed to see.
"Boby! Hey!"
"What now?" Cap quickly grabbed the lasso around his neck and yanked it. Boba shot forward but remained in control. Arms around his neck, Dan was now riding the larger man, but not for long.
"Hit him in the back! Hit in the back with every-woaaaaAAAHH!" Cap grabbed Dan and tossed him again. But Boba had heard what he needed to hear.
The bounty hunter circled Captain America. From behind, he saw what Dan was talking about: a crevice cut deep into the man's back. Pink slime dripped from the opening, like a strange substance in place of blood. So Boba fired a missile at it.
*BLAM* Cap dropped Dan and stumbled forward. His face was twisted in an expression of constipated pain. He turned quickly to face Boba.
"Reeerrrr... REEEEEEEEEEErrrrrrr. RAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG!" He leaped at Boba Fett just as he was reloading with another missile. The larger human grabbed the armored flying one and slammed him into the ground, crushing his jetpack. He punched Boba's helmeted face several times, denting the Mandalorian armor horribly.
Fortunately, Dan was quick on his feet. He grabbed the fallen missile, climbed Captain America's back and slammed it into the large cut between his shoulders. Captain America then grabbed Dan off of him and held him up high, preparing to slam him down right next to, or possibly into, Boba Fett.
But as Cap did this, he turned his back to Boba Fett. And the bounty hunter still had his rifle. He took aim at the missile lodged in Cap's back and fired.
*BLAAAMM*
Dan dropped to the ground. Cap staggered forward yet again. His body quivered and shook, muscles contorted and squirmed like a half-formed mold exposed to too much heat.
Dan helped Boba to his feet. Like himself, the human was surprisingly resilient.
"Did... did we get him?" Dan asked. Boba was silent. He raised his gauntlet and fired a whip at the man's leg. It wrapped around him as he staggered forward, but tripped him and he fell over. The mutant Captain America hit the ground face first.
"Yes," Boba said.
*BOOM!*
And Captain America's body exploded.
Dan and Boba Fett were covered in pink goo. Dan then realized why Boba almost always had his helmet on.
"My tongue tastes weird again."
"I think I peed a little," Boba admitted.
"Me too," Dan said.
"Me three," Cap added.
"Stevie?!" Dan spun around. Rising from the exploded carcass of the corrupted Cap was the real Cap, also covered in pink goo. And naked.
"Stevie!!" Dan exclaimed, running over to him. "Stevie, I knew that wasn't you! And... at the same time, it was you. But it wasn't you. Because of the... brainwashing or something. You know the deal."
"Yeah, I kind-of do, I guess. Thanks. Umm," he looked around. "I suppose you wouldn't know where my clothes were." The Brooklynite carefully covered his sensitive areas.
"No, but we got your shield," Boba said, handing it to the man. Cap then used the shield to cover aforementioned areas.
"Ladies and gentlemen, did I not promise you entertainment unparalleled? Where else would you get to see THIS kind of display?!!" the Dark Magistrate shouted. The crowd was apparently going nuts over the sight of naked Captain America.
"Well, these people have obviously never been on DeviantArt," Dan commented. "We beat Captain Roidmerica for your fanboys here, let us out!"
"Oh ho ho ho, but gentlemen, that was only the first round!" the Dark Magistrate announced. He was now apparently broadcasting from out of sight as not to be shot by Boba Fett. "We have much more entertainment planned ahead! Let's get to the next challenge, shall we?"
*BRAAMPT* A buzzer sounded and the ground began to shake. From the ceiling, the corridors of Stable 4 descended, becoming a box viewing platform high above the stadium. The floor of the stadium began to part, splitting down the middle as a new metallic floor rose to replace the dirt one. And rising to greet them was the next challenger.
"My loyal disciples, against all odds and with a little help, Dan has advanced to the next round! He's beaten the muscle, but now he... and his comrades, now face the might of machine and metal!"
The challenger viewed the surroundings in 360-degrees at once. His red ocular sensors scanned the crowd, scanned the environment, scanned everything at once. He was able to tell where everything was at once, see almost every direction at once. But when he saw Boba Fett, his sensors focused solely on him. This was a guy we wanted to add to the story a looonnnng time ago, so it's been a looooonnnngggg time in coming.
"As cold and calculated as it gets, a droid with an iron designation ready to bring the galaxy to ruination, rising from the wreckage again, I give you-"
"WE MEET AGAIN, MY ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE."
"IG-88!!... as a pony."
Ponified Elite Assassin Droid IG-88p Magically Modified Mass Murdering Machine
"Hahaha, welcome to Wonderdome, Dan! And prices just got higher."
Boba was a serious bounty hunter. He didn't laugh at the sight of one of his rivals, one of his competitors, being transformed from a merciless, murderous assassin machine into a somewhat cute-looking mechanical pony. He knew that whatever form IG-88 came in, he could be deadly.
So instead, Dan laughed for him. "Bffffaaahahaha. HAHAHAHAA! HAAAA!"
*Brrrrzzz-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!* And IG-88 responded by opening fire.
Cap dove in front of the oncoming fire and raised his shield. Red beams hit the shield and exploded, hammering Cap's shoulder as he leaned into the blows. Unlike other energy weapons, IG-88's blasts were not reflected or deflected by the curved vibranium. The energy was especially volatile and designed to cause detonation on impact, part of IG-88's strategy when in close quarters.
A strategy his competitor, Boba Fett, was all too familiar with. He jetted over Captain America and fired off a jetpack missile. IG-88 shot the missile in midair, causing it to explode close enough for Cap to feel the heat. The assassin droid was perfectly lined up to continue tracking Boba Fett as he flew through the air, even after using the missile as a diversion.
Except Boba Fett wasn't flying.
Even before the missile exploded, Boba cut his jetpack's jets and dropped to the ground. He rolled forward into a crouched position that brought his rifle to bare for the perfect shot in a single, fluid motion. As the fire of his own missile washed harmlessly over his head, he squeezed the trigger.
*Ching-ching-ching!*
And they bounced harmlessly off the droid's own shield.
"AMUSING, CAPTAIN FETT. BUT ONCE AGAIN, MY TECHNOLOGICAL ENHANCEMENTS FAR SURPASS YOUR OWN BARBARIC TECHNIQUES. I CONTINUE TO ADVANCE WHILE YOU REMAIN THE SAME FLAWED BIOLOGICAL YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN."
"I've never needed to be anything more to beat you," Boba said, rising to his feet.
"HAHA! Nice! Nice one. Uh, Stevie, Steve, hey... uh, please move to the side, I'm trying not to look at you."
"Right, yeah, sorry."
But the same could not be said for the crowd, nor the jumbotron images which displayed the slime-soaked Captain America in all his naked glory. Fangirls and fanboys of that persuasion drooled and hooted in an uproar over the nude avenger. They would've noticed Steve blushing if his face wasn't mostly covered in magenta goop.
The Dark Magistrate shook his head. "Alright, fine. Captain America, since this isn't the kind of 'show' we're wanting to broadcast... at least not with this content rating, anyway. So, although we're possibly eliminating a marketing opportunity, we're going to have to give you clothes."
"Hello!" "Hello!" A pair of Mr. CapApbles swooped down to clothe the naked Cap.
"Presto!" "Finito!" In orange body paint. And then they flew away again.
"This is not better. NOT better," Dan decried.
The CapApble robots descended again. Curiously, they dressed him this time in a garb that Dan immediately recognized. Steve, however, just immediately recognized they were a little small on him.
"Uhhh..."
"HEY! Those are Nicky's clothes!!!" Without warning, Dan jumped on the nearest Mr. CapApble robot as it ascended. It carried him back up into the darkness of the rafters.
"Nicky's clothes... oh," Cap remembered. "Phoenix's clothes. And his hair, too." Captain America had been Phoenix-ized, for lack of a better term. Unfortunately, Cap and Phoenix, though tall, had different clothing sizes. Cap usually had to wear tailored clothes or stuff without sleeves because muscles, while Phoenix purchased most of his clothes from Big John's Shirt and Tie Barn on Earth and Carousel Boutique on Equestria.
A stray blaster bolt forced Cap to raise his shield. Rip went the armpit of one of Phoenix's iconic blue suit. "Well... shit."
Boba Fett continued firing on his bounty hunting rival. Although a pony, IG-88 was still as deadly as ever with his blaster shots. As Boba got closer, the droid deployed a pulse cannon from its back.
*Chu-chu-chu-chu-chu-chu-chu* Pink balls of energy sprayed at Fett. He jet-dodged left, leaving the spheres to explode on the ground behind him.
"YOUR PERSISTENCE WILL GAIN YOU NOTHING. THERE WILL BE NO INTERFERENCE FROM RENDAR, REBELS OR THE EMPIRE TO SAVE YOU THIS TIME."
"There's no reason for you to bring up Dash. It's only proof there's more than one person that's scrapped you," Boba said. Banter was an important part of bounty hunting, apparently, especially when it came to mocking rivals.
IG-88p stomped forward. He was no Magic Gear; the metallic parts of the adapted Hallowan Mechanical robot weren't built based on an organic frame but rather just basic locomotion. As such, he was able to keep himself steady easier than a biological biped but moved even slower than when you fight him in the junkyard on Ord Mantell. Good times.
The droid fired again as Fett roared over. As the IG-88 pony was forced to look up, he failed to notice, even with his 360-degree photoreceptors, small rock-like devices Boba Fett dropped near him.
"YOUR TIME IS UP, BOBA FETT. AFTER I DISPOSE OF YOU, NOTHING WILL STAND BETWEEN ME AND THE BOUNTY ON THE JEDI HERE. YOU WILL DETAIN ME NO FURTH-" *click*
The ground beneath IG-88's hooves exploded. The assassin droid was sent hurtling through the air and landed hard on its side some ways away. Once again, IG-88 did not make the best pony. His damaged limbs scraped the sand weakly, trying to stand. Boba engaged his jetpack again, flying towards the fallen machine, intent on deactivating it permanently.
But Captain America beat him to it. The shield came down and split IG-88's head casing open from the top.
"I WILL... RISE... AG-kzzttt... GAIN..."
"And I will knock you down. Again." Boba shot what was left of his head off. The crowd cheered, almost as loud as they had for nude Cap. Nude famous characters were crowd-pleasers in every dimension; I don't make the rules.
But the Dark Magistrate does. "What's this?! Over already? This is what I get for allowing a three-on-one! Should've gotten Ultron and that Cylon to team up with Iggy." Blaster bolts shot up from the ground, forcing the Magistrate to hover back to the shadows above. Which is where Dan was waiting.
"RAAA!" Dan jumped on the metal-masked villain and grabbed on with both hands. They both dropped like a stone to the ground below. Fortunately, a pair of Mr. CapApbles were there to slow their fall, but they smashed the robots on the way down and collided hard with the floor. Still, not as rough as a straight fall.
Cap and Fett ran over to where Dan and Magistrate fell, shield and rifle raised respectively. The Dark Magistrate threw Dan off him and raised his cloak in time to block blaster fire from Fett's rifle.
"Interference!! No attacking the host!!"
Dan lunged at the Magistrate again but his aim was low. He grabbed the lower part of the Magistrate's cloak and as he came down, so did the villain's pants.
Boba Fett immediately stopped firing. Dan looked up to see something else he didn't want to see.
"Steel Samurai?" Dan thought. "Wait...
"How dare you! Fool! Only an dishonorable warrior hits below the belt!"
Dan remembered something. "I know that pair of underwear!" Cap quirked an eyebrow at him. To which Dan called, "Stevie! Mask! Boby, rope!"
Before the Magistrate could fully spin around to counter them, Boba Fett had fired his whip cord at him and tied him up. Captain America jump-slammed his shield onto the villain's face making a metallic clang as metal connected to metal. The Magistrate hit the ground again, limbs bound.
And Dan grabbed his mask. "You know you shouldn't be doing this," Dan said.
"You fools will never win! Your judgment is nigh!"
"But you're not the judge," Dan said. He pulled off the mask to reveal Phoenix Wright underneath it. "You're the attorney."
"Hahahaha! HA-HA-HA-HA!!" Phoenix cackled. He was very clearly not himself as he lay sprawled on the sandy metal floor, staring up at a superhero, a bounty hunter from space and his best friend.
"Someone's scrambled his head. He's brainwashed, just like I was," Cap said. "Just like Bucky."
"Thank you for that, Stevie. You trying to become Captain Obvious along with Captain America?"
Cap frowned at Dan. "It's just, it's kind of emotional for me. This happened to my best friend, too. And me, a couple of times."
Dan shrugged. "Well, there must be a fuck shortage cuz I ain't got one to give. Shield." Cap passed Dan his shield, a bit unnerved. Dan noticed his expression. "Sorry, Stevie, sorry. It's just, you know, kind of stressful since you were trying to kill me five minutes ago. And you trying to kill me a few days ago. And this idiot here trying to kill me right now."
"It's alright," Captain America said. "I get that, too."
"Hahahahaha!" Phoenix laughed maniacally again. "It doesn't matter what you fools try to do. You won't last long on this dead world. They're coming from all over the multiverse just for a piece of this action. And I'll charge a hefty sum for every bit of it!"
"You want me to shoot him?" Boba offered.
Dan waved down his gun barrel. "No, thanks, I got this. I appreciate the offer though, really, it's just this one is special. But I like where your head's at."
"Suits me."
"What do you mean 'they're coming from all over?' Where are 'they' coming from? And who's they?" Dan asked.
Phoenix smirked. "Look around you. Paying audience members, Dan. They get to decide who fights who. It's only possible on a world like Equestria but when it starts, there's no stopping it."
"When WHAT STARTS?" Dan asked, grabbing him by the collar.
"Armageddon is a game, Dan! In the grand scheme of things, a dying world is the last place out of the realm of infinite possibilities where you can finally settle business. Revenge, Dan! The GenoHaradan are making tons of money by bringing people here and letting them die. A dead universe, Dan. The only place you can't be resurrected," Phoenix said.
Cap looked around. "So all these people, they're all spectators?"
Phoenix nodded, still smirking. "Here to watch the greatest heroes and villains and fighters do battle at the end of all things."
"-do battle at the end of all things."
"This planet is dead. Its reason for existing is long gone, so people from all over who can have come to give it a new one. It's a dead end in the grand dimensional tapestry, a blank spot where anything can happen. Even the laws of physics don't apply here in their normal ways; anything can happen. It's a great place to settle scores, buy and trade all sorts of things, it's the only place where people from any universe can really get anything done," Phoenix said. "No rules."
"That's... that's absolutely fascinating," Dan said. "It's fascinating how... how little I care."
"There's more than one place like this. There are others," Boba said. "Been to a few. Don't really care for them."
"Why not?" Cap asked. "You seem like the kind of guy who'd like to... well, terminate things. On a permanent basis. Bounties."
Boba simply said, "I prefer repeat business."
"So, idiots like green bean here and the recycling bin we just blew up are going to keep coming?" Dan asked. "How are they getting here? Who is summoning them?"
"Heh, no one's summoning them! What, you think someone would actually WANT a bunch of depraved, crazed, violent lunatics in Equestria? Who would possibly want that?" Phoenix asked. And as he did, Dan, Captain America, Boba Fett and Phoenix Wright himself all looked out of the fic at the audience. Yep, they're looking at you. And the author. Yeah, that's right, hi out there! The fic is saying hi to you! That's gotta be a first, right? Remember when this story was about ponies? Yeah, me neither. Let's check in on Rarity and the Doctor. But first, let's finish this scene.
"So where EXACTLY are all these... wonderful specimens coming from?" Dan asked.
But it wasn't Phoenix to answer. "The ones strong with magic, the arcane or more... ethereal forces, they usually come by land. And alone. Ones with tech or know-how show up in space, sometimes crash."
Dan paused for a moment, then full-arm shrugged. "That doesn't explain me. I showed up here in the middle of the sky. The only tech I have on me is my phone and the only magic I can do is the thing where it looks like I took off my thumb."
"OMAIGAWD HE TOOK HIS THUMB OFF!"
"I WILL MURDER YOU WHERE YOU STAND AND YOU'LL BE DEAD BEFORE YOU HIT THE GROUND!!" Dan shouted at the audience member. No, not you out there- someone in the stands. Row 18, seat 27.
"Oh... hey, that's my seat! Hey, did I win something?"
"No, shut up. So yeah, kinda skeptical about THESE people having the power to show up here unless it was random. Like it was for me," Dan said.
"Oh, you mean our lovely spectators? They've been coming in from the mirrors in the Stables and whatnot," Phoenix said. "Most of them, anyway. Some are refugees from the starships Rice has had Barro shelling since you disappeared. Like the bullet man says, magic-users get here by the ground while techies come from space."
"One if by land, two if by sea," Steve remarked. "Or space, in this case."
"And you. Where do you figure in all of this?" Dan asked.
"Who, me?" Phoenix asked. And as he did, a bit of the old Phoenix, the true Phoenix, came through. "What have I done... I... a place like this needs order. It needs control. The Dark Magistrate, ruler of Neo-Olde Tokyo. Yes, Dan, I-
"Fight it! Fight it, Nicky, come on!"
"Sham... sham, it's the sham..." Phoenix struggled, painfully to say through the indoctrination. He pinched his eyes, veins in the side of his head bulging.
"It's a sham?" Steve asked.
Dan shook his head. "No. It's shampoo. It's that pink crap again."
"Pink crap? That stuff is worth more than your life! It's liquid magic! Magic in a physical form with the potential to do anything, to change anything, to control the-" Phoenix blathered, reverting back to his brainwashed state.
"You want me to shoot him?" Boba asked again. "I could just knock him out if you like."
"Ha! You can't hurt me! I'm the Dark Magistrate! I've faced heroes ten times as heroic and powerful as you! The Steel Samurai, the Jammin' Ninja, all the after school specials in Japan couldn't beat me!" Phoenix said, cackling again. "What could any of you possibly do to hurt me?"
Dan beat Nicky half to death with the shield.
"Okay, let's get out of here."
"Jeezus, Dan."
"Just Dan, Stevie, now let's find an exit," Dan said. "Also, carry Nicky."
But before they could leave, another old friend dropped in to see them.
"Going somewhere, Dan?" Chris Redfield rappelled down from the ceiling to greet them. And he didn't have his gun this time.
"Chris," Cap said, stepping forward, "Chris, Rice got to us. Please, you've got to fight it- he brainwashed us both." The anti-BOW specialist wasn't in his normal clothes, no, and to just spell it out for you, he looked like Wesker. Right down to the shades.
But Chris just shook his head. "Oh, Rogers. You were easy for him to get to because your head's stuck in the past. I gave myself up willingly."
"You what?" Cap asked. At the same time, Dan simply turned to Boba Fett and saw the man was watching Chris. Dan frowned at him.
Chris flipped his hands, all nonchalant. "Come on, Steve. We fought HYDRA, Umbrella and Cobra for years. Among others. Even I know when the game changes. You have to adapt. To evolve."
"You do realize you look and sound almost exactly like Albert Wesker right now, right?" Steve pointed out.
"He and I do have a lot in common."
"Do?" Steve said. "Not 'did'?"
Dan slapped Boba Fett in the visor. "Hello? You just going to let him yap on like this? Shoot him!" So he did.
The Director did not need help walking. Well, she did, but Rice wasn't able to give it to her. As the Director's physical body decayed, along with her powers, she became more and more unstable. Her existence, like that of the previous versions of Equestria, was ethereal, a fragmented myth desperately clinging on to whatever it could in an effort to be real again. Her true body, the spirit of the planet itself, was bound by the web of fragments of the previous Equestrias, their magic sustaining a shattered physical form, like glue containing the pieces of a broken mirror in a frame.
But they could not hold together forever.
"What are... what are you keeping... hegghh... Michael... back for?"
Rice had let his mane grow out a bit. Changing himself frequently kept him off the radar of Equestria's periodic magical cleansings. He had to keep reminding himself he was walking with the Director or, because of her physical nature, he would completely forget what he was doing.
"When I'm finished with him and Barro, they'll be put in stasis. Like all the rest. Don't worry," he said, not looking at her. If he looked at her, that would force more of her physical form to adjust to the necessary perception and her voice would sound like it was echoing in the distance. Echoing inside of her, in the abyss.
She stopped to look up at Twilight Sparkle and her friends. All of them were encased in stasis save for Rarity who was on the moon with Celestia and Luna. She would be safe there, though, Cleo knew that.
"Feeling remorse?" He looked at her. She nodded, her head and cloak faded in and out of various forms of existence, what they called transharmonic reverberation, as she did so. Pinkie Pie possessed some ability with this, quantum transharmonic shifting. Basically, her physical particles 'danced' at the sub-atomic level, allowing her to access different dimensional states.
Yes, Rice had even unlocked Pinkie Pie's powers. The only thing he didn't understand was Dan. Well, not the only thing, but definitely the main one.
Rice sighed. "After all we've done, everything, just now you're having second thoughts?"
"It's our lot It's our lot It's our lot It's our lot It's our lot in life life. I don't suppose- you wouldn't understand, darling, babe." She was shifting rapidly, various forms of different possible versions of her personality were phasing through. Her own particles were struggling to keep up with each other and stay together, resulting in collisions.
Okay, basically, weird science stuff is happening, so pretend it's like Back to The Future when Marty was fading in and out of existence. If you haven't seen that movie, go watch it now. Now. NOW. Come back to this when you're done.
"It's happening to the narrator, too. Curious," Rice remarked. "Your very presence is causing the fourth wall to crack."
"It'll- yeah, that'll- it'll happena n. Nnn. Ha-ppen."
"Heh. It's like you're on dial-up or something."
"Shut. Up."
Rice nodded. "Right then. Well, as requested, this one is yours."
She stood up to the stasis platform. This was the only way to prevent Equestria from being destroyed, Equestria as they knew it. When the Director's body completely collapsed, her spirit, the Majora would be unleashed. The entire planet and everything on it would be wiped from existence, the pages of its history wiped clean. Everything that ever was would be wiped away, reset to zero so it could be reborn anew. She alone would have the burden of memory of all that came before, the screams of countless ponies and other creatures forever gone.
As if they had never been.
Without form, the Director, Cleo would not even have eyes with which to weep for them. But she would have the feeling, for all that feels would be rocked by such an impact. But not this time.
This time when Equestria would lyse, it would not be able to reach the ponies in stasis. Encased in magic from another world, they would be preserved. In their place, everything from the other universes that came here would be destroyed, including Dan, Captain America, any other random or goofy thing summoned. They would take the place of the ponies. A fitting sacrifice seeing as how they weren't meant to be there anyway.
The Director would emerge into a new Equestria and use the magic of the new world to make a new body. She would live a normal pony life with Twilight and the others. She would gain power, and the magic incorporated into the process by Rice's technology would pass to the new Equestria like an inherited gene. Cleo would be able to use a preservation spell next time, an entirely new form of magic that was about to be invented.
Rice held out a cassette player. It played the My Little Pony theme song, the first one.
The Director looked at him, smiled and nodded. "Thank you. Not just for that, but for everything."
Rice nodded silently. The song was able to stabilize her temporarily. Enough to put her into stasis.
"So this is it. Here's to Generation Five," Rice said. "Let's hope it works out better than this one, eh?"
"Rice... if there had been a way... if there had been any other way..."
He was quiet for a second. "The way it is, I suppose. The limits of magic."
She nodded again. "I'm sorry. If there had been more time," she said, looking at her own withered hand. Ancient, timeless, she was more of a little girl than an old woman or a deity, an entity, the essence of Equestria given form by its own over-abundance of magic. She was a little girl at heart... and Equestria had always been made for little girls first. Because it had been made by someone who was a little girl at heart.
"But this will make things right," Cleo said. "A fresh start. A second chance. For everyone. And finally... for me."
Rice was male. He'd always play second. Girls had it slightly easier in Equestria because of that initial bias. In the grand scheme of things, it mattered very little. It mattered nothing to him. His son, his world was dead. No amount of magic or technology could change that. No amount of...
"A second chance for all of Equestria," Rice said. "Because Equestria deserves it, right? The others, the other Equestrias, they're just like my son, aren't they?" he asked her. "Tragedies. If only we had more time... we could've done this a long time ago."
She nodded, her legs close together as she sat on the platform, bony and translucent.
Rice flipped the switch to activate the primer. The static-magic, shimmery and clear as water, was about to be released.
"Where will... you go?"
Rice shrugged. "I'll find my own place to start over. Put Equestria behind me."
"That's... that's good. You deserve a fresh start."
He looked up at her. "No. I really don't." He held up a gun. "And neither do you."
*Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam*
The Director's body melted quickly, dissolving into bluish, nightmarish smoke. Had to shoot that many times because half the bullets disappeared or turned into bubbles or gum. Before the smoke could escape, Rice activated the stasis projector. Magic poured onto the platform and caught a good portion of the smoke, the Director's essence, and froze it in place, creating a jagged, bluish crystal.
Suddenly, the world shook. The entire room, the entire stable, the entire planet shook rapidly, like a jolt that caused the world to jump. The lights flickered, some even changed color. Music, parts of songs played where they shouldn't have been, the floor partly turned to mud and sand, the smell of roasting marshmallows and mayonnaise, two things that have no right to be together, filled the air. And then like that, it was gone.
"My lord Rice, it's Ops, sir."
Rice activated his wrist apple watch. It had been built in earlier that day. The color of his gauntlets had changed and his mane was shorter again. Apart from that, he was unchanged.
"Go ahead."
"We're registering seismic anomalies all over the planet. Electromagnetic energy is fluctuating and the temperature is dropping rapidly."
"Good. Ready the transport to the lunar base with the rest of the supplies, I'll be following shortly." The moment he closed the comm channel, the base was rocked again, then again. "Ops, report. Ops!"
"Sir- the base! The Stable is under attack! We need you in-" Channel cut off again, not Rice this time. The base was slammed again and the lights flickered. One of them went out completely.
Rice rushed to the door. It opened before he got there.
"Oh! Uh, hey- the base is under fire!"
"Get out of my way, imbecile!"
"Hey!"
Rice shoved his way past Writhe N. Payne, the mustard-colored pony lawyer. The base was under attack, there was no time to deal with idiots. But Payne was a special kind of idiot.
"Hey- hey, our deal!" Payne called him. "What about our deal?"
"It's still in place, if you can get them out."
"So I can take all the ponies? Everypony?" he asked.
"Except the front row, yes. Take them, sell them, I don't care what you do," Rice said, and he bolted down the hall as the base shook again.
Payne turned back to the ponies frozen in stasis. "Sell them...?" His eyes turned into dollar signs.
Stable 5 had been moved inside Prosperity Base, Vice/Rice's fortress. Located far north of Canterlot, Mount Prosperity was originally a mining operation, abandoned before Equestria's unification. Rice had spent three years with his loyal dog army, building and transforming it into his base of operations. The Director had originally been sealed deep in the mine for some reason, and had convinced Rice not to nuke Equestria... at least, not right away.
Now, the massive facility was mostly being closed down. The metal hounds, the last of Rice's loyal forces and his most loyal, were preparing for their transition to the new lunar base that was recently built. With the ponies and Dan taken care of finally, Rice was ready to begin the final phase of his new plan.
And then the base was attacked.
"Go! Go! Go!" "Keep firing on their right flank!!" "Bravo Team, forty-five seconds! Push the gate!" "Alpha-One is closing the gap!" "SUPPRESSING FIRE!! NOW!!"
From the south part of the complex, the invaders had blown a hole in the fence. After that, they came pouring in. Prosperity's alarms kicked in but the attack was both sudden and massive. Rebel Alliance and Imperial Stormtroopers charged into the grounds and opened fire on Rice's troops before they had a chance to defend. And then the walkers moved in.
"Secure the hangars!! Move!!" "Farelle, take Gorshun and hit their left flank!" "On it." "Bravo Team Leader, Alpha-One is imminent. Keep the lane clear, over." "I copy- Bravo! Move it up!"
Rice's dogs were in the middle of loading a transport and had been completely unprepared. Although well-trained and augmented as soldiers, even trained for such scenarios, the metal hounds were completely overwhelmed. Pushed back to a corner of the complex near the entrance to the mines and the main base, they were still gathering their forces from the underground sublevels.
Rice reached the surface at last. A stream of red laser blasts scorched the overhead wall behind him.
"What in the hell is going on?!?!"
"Sir, there's a-" two laser blasts hit the lieutenant in the head. One would have been enough. His body slumped forward and Rice dipped low to catch it. The dog was dead before he hit Rice's arms.
Recovered from EarthGov Research Blue Site Aegis VII Science Team Report
Unfortunately, what we know about the Markers and the necromorphs is still very limited. Dr. Earl Serrano's studies were more focused on the aliens of Tau Volantis and the Machine they built there rather than the source of the problem.
There are threats and we understand that now, perhaps a bit too late. The Moons have been awakened and they're not going to be satisfied until we're all gone, all a part of them. But again, this is only a symptom of the problem. We keep looking at the necromorphs, the wars, the plagues, the disease, the shortages and these are all stemming from the same source.
We may have to accept that the Unitologists might have been right about a few things.
I believe the Markers are the key. If these things are going to keep threatening us, there may be something we can do about them individually. We might be able to change it so that the destructive forces in our reality don't have to threaten us. They could be something else. It may even be possible to change the necromorphs themselves.
The signals the Markers emit are a more powerful version of the electromagnetic resonance that all life emits. If there were some way, if there was some place to harmonize these frequencies, we might be able to, well, change the way the game works so to speak. This could be the hope for saving us all.
If it works, maybe the multiverse has a chance to be more than just Dead Space.
End Science Team Report
The stormtroopers, although they weren't able to hit much with their trademark accuracy, were in fact able to provide plenty of suppressing fire. This allowed the Rebel Alliance marksman, fewer in number but lethally accurate, to line up shots and take down Rice's troopers with deadly precision. The dogs were armed with energy weapons themselves and would have been very deadly against the lightly-armored Rebel and Imperial troopers. But under constant fire, they weren't able to use them.
The few Metal Dog squads that were deployed were stuck on the defensive, unable to repel the attackers. They shouted over the sounds of blaster fire, their communications completely jammed by the Empire's patented scrambling technology. The automated defenses popped up, deploying from hidden positions to open fire on the invaders... but they never got the chance. AT-ST mortar fire hit them before they could deploy, spreading fire and destruction about the base as the weapons exploded. They had been identified by long-range Alliance scouts equipped with macrobinoculars that pierced the snow.
The joint attack combined the strengths of both the Rebels and Imperials, overwhelming the base's defenses. Even with fewer numbers and lacking Rice's technology, they were pushing the canines back. They could have taken the base.
But they weren't there for the base.
"Sigma Base to Bravo-Leader, the exit is clear."
"I copy, Sigma!"
"Secure the package and extract your team, then proceed to the rendezvous."
"Copy Base. Bravo-Two, hit the door! Carver, Ulrand, up the center!" Bravo Team's leader was a veteran. Real name Aran Nomante, he had been a basketball coach before joining the Galactic Empire and then defected to the Rebel Alliance. He looked over his shoulder. Imperials were cutting a larger section of the fencing open. Just beyond them, far in the distance, he thought he might have seen the lights on Alpha-One but with the snow it was hard to tell.
His back against the side of the hangar, he looked forward again. And he saw Rice.
"Bravo Team, secure the objective!! Go!!"
Rice was pissed. His soldiers, his personally-trained and equipped soldiers, were falling back. They were being slaughtered like dogs, the opposite of what he made them to be. He spotted several of them huddled by the hangar, not firing as much. The leaders. With the twist of the right gauntlet button, he activated his energy shield and walked towards them.
More of the troopers' fire came in his direction. He'd made himself a target. Wounded Metal Dogs limped and crawled back to the entrance to Stable 5, bleeding and battered. Blaster bolts bounced off his bubble shield as well as if it had come from a unicorn's horn and not his shield. Or an alicorn's horn.
Grenades came, a couple of mortars. They hit the top of his shield. Heat and thermal energy were deflected by the barrier, but raw kinetic force still bled through. The mortar that hit his shield had been expertly-fired; without the shield, it would have killed him. His ears rang loud but he hadn't been deafened.
In that brief second, Rice was reminded of his pony biology. His ears were pressed down, his eyes were wider and his heart was racing. His natural equine instincts drove him to thrash whatever was around him, teeth barred, lungs sucking in burnt, smokey air. He wiped the smoke away with his free hand and continued marching to the hangar.
From their positions around the hangar, the Rebels and stormtroopers had formed a loose but coordinated perimeter. Stormtroopers in front with Rebel marksman behind them. But when they saw Rice, they changed tactics.
"It's him!" "Leader identified!"
The leader of the Imperials, a thin man with a handlebar mustache named Vern To'Novar, signaled for the rest of his squad. "Swarm maneuver, go! Take him down!"
The stormtroopers broke from cover and charged at Rice, firing.
"Concentrate your firepower!"
The troopers hunkered down and fired at Rice. At such close range, even their notorious accuracy wasn't a factor, though because of the shield it also wasn't effective. They tossed grenades, a thermal detonator and a concussion bomb at his feet.
"Worthless," Rice said. With a sweep of his hand, the explosives flung out and exploded, sending the stormtroopers flying. One of them Wilhelm screamed as he hit the side of the hangar. The remaining stormtroopers charged at Rice and tried to tackle him or knock his shield down. Worked about as well as expected; the two that actually touched his shield were electrocuted. Rice stepped over their bodies.
The Rebel marksman attacked, sniping for weakpoints in his shield. Rice rose his hand and the snipers were lifted from the position. Rice then flung them about like rag dolls. Two females slammed against the edge of the hangar and fell to the ground hard. An alien and a stormtrooper both hit the perimeter fence so hard they flipped over it.
"Armor support, take point NOW!"
Rice saw Bravo Team's leader, not knowing or caring who the short-bearded man was. It was just then he noticed that behind him were a pair of other humans, doing something to the crease in the hangar door. The three of them quickly retreated to the side of the hangar with Bravo's leader keeping an eye on Rice. It all took place in a matter of seconds, barely enough time for Rice to ask:
"What in the hell are you doing?"
The satchel charge exploded, blinding Rice for a moment and sending smoke and debris spilling out through the area. There were no aircraft in the hangar; what were they after?
*Chi-choohh!*
Laser blasts, more powerful than the rifle blasters, exploded in front and behind Rice. He turned and raised his shield again in time to block the next blast from the two AT-STs approaching them.
"Really? Just two legs?" Rice said. He reached out with his gloves and telekinetically gripped the legs of the walkers. Another new thing: his gloves had their own magical aura when using tech spells. His own technology was based on magic, so this wasn't a full surprise, but it had never had its own aura before. Now, his telekinesis had its own amber glow to it, a strange development.
He yanked forward and both walkers fell backwards. Bashed against the ground, the metal cockpits crumpled like tin cans.
Now, there was nothing standing between Rice and the hangar except for the short-bearded man. He felt like TKing the man's neck and separating his head from his torso. He could've pressed the man's eyes into the back of his skull, pulled out his beating heart, tickled him until he wet himself, any number of things. But Rice wanted something first. He wanted to know why.
"There aren't any ships for you to steal in that hangar," Rice said to the man. He said nothing back. "No Magic Gears, no Swords or munitions. What are you here for? Data?"
"I'm waiting on a ride."
That was enough for Rice. He grabbed the man's neck and lifted him up like a Sith Lord he was all-too familiar with. He brought him closer, the amber glow rigidly wrapped around him like a glowing scarf.
"I'm sorry, what was that? A ride?"
"Hmmm... hennggggg..."
Rice gripped the man harder. "Tenacity, that I'm beginning to expect. Being stubborn and dumb enough to attack my base, that again is something I expected. Teaming up with your sworn enemy?" he said, kicking a fallen stormtrooper in the helmet, "that was a surprise."
"Then I've got... hnngg, ano-another one for ya."
The back of the hangar exploded. The roof of the building collapsed, the ground rumbled and shook as the hangar's back wall was destroyed. Out from it walked two Magic Gears, the last two of the original line, AMP and AXE. Rice lost his grip briefly on the Rebel soldier and he dropped to the ground.
"How? Those... those idiots! They told me they moved them already!!!" AMP and AXE were supposed to be at the moon base. Clearly, they were not.
Rice lifted the man up again with both hands intent on pulling him apart slowly. "Another surprise, yes? And now, here's one for you- I'm going to give you that ride you wanted."
The man cocked a tiny grin. "Y-you... first." And that was when the speeder hit Rice.
Alpha-One, a speeder unit, had been packed full of explosives originally meant for the Y-Wings, slammed into Rice so hard it sent the pony flying and didn't even slow down. Dazed and in pain, flat on his back, Rice was able to turn his head up to see the speeder crash through the barricaded mine entrance and enter before it exploded.
Another thing the Rebel Alliance was really good at was suicide strikes. But, this story isn't fond of those kinds of extreme terror tactics, so the pilot of the speeder was able to activate his ejector seat just before the speeder enter the mine.
Prosperity Base, at least on the surface, lay in complete ruin. The exploding speeder caused a cave-in and an avalanche at the same time, burying the top half of the base in rubble. An hour or so following the attack, Rice began using his TK to dig out the rest of the base. He was able to unearth the entrance to Stable 5 to get the rest of his soldiers out. Despite their failure and the loss of the last two Magic Gears, he did not punish any of them.
Rice ordered his soldiers, being dogs, they were expert trackers, to follow the trail the Rebels had used to retreat. This turned out to be another mistake as the Rebels and Imperials had laid mines along their exit route. He lost six more dog troopers before he finally gave up.
Writhe N. Payne got the frozen ponies out of Stable 5 using the underground train. This left very few active ponies left on Equestria. With Twilight and her friends in Tartarus, the Director trapped in stasis and Barro doing his bidding in space, there was only one pony left for Rice to take his anger out on: Michael Hay.
Rice strapped Michael Hay to an operating table. That was strange for a lot of reasons, first of which was that Rice didn't seem to be a doctor. Also there was the fact that since he was a prisoner and didn't have anywhere to go anyway, it didn't seem much of a point to restrain him. Finally, he had been held hostage by the deranged scientist for over a month now, and Rice hadn't shown much interest in him. So why now?
"Um, what are the bindings for?"
"So you don't hurt yourself."
"Okay..." Michael said, feeling like he should be more worried than he was. "Are you gonna torture me? Because, like, I already told you all I know. And all I don't know. I mean, I'm not really in on stuff-"
"Shut up, Michael."
"...usually Barro says that..."
"I know," Rice nodded, "but he's not here right now."
"Isn't he technically writing this? Like, right now? As we're speaking? And he's writing that?" Michael looked around, as if some sort of omnipresence was constantly watching him. He wasn't wrong.
"He is. Just not right here, right now. It's all relative, isn't it? I understand that now. If something's not here, it has to be there. Because if you can think of it, it's already there, isn't it? And it doesn't get in your head on its own, does it? So it has to come from somewhere. So it comes from there. And everything... everything eventually gets here," Rice said, right ear and left eye twitching. "It all gets here eventually. Eventually. HA! Like Event! Don't you see? Event-U-Ally. See?! Even friendship is there!!!"
Michael's eyes went a little wide. "Are uh, are you okay?"
"I'm great. Great, really," he said, grinning uncomfortably. "Just dandy. Dan-dy... Dan... Dan..." he trailed off, smile fading from his face. It was as if he remembered something, something terrible that he couldn't place, something gnawing at him but he couldn't figure out what. It faded as quickly as it had arrived to bite him.
Actually, Rice was slowly but not yet fully realizing that he hadn't captured Dan. He'd figured that when he snapped his fingers and all his enemies disappeared that Dan would be with them, but that hadn't been the case. Twilight, Chrys and co. had been transported to Stable 5 for processing. The Mane 6 had been sent to Tartarus along with Captain America and Chris Redfield, but Dan had not been among them. Rice didn't realize it yet, but his spell hadn't worked on Dan at all. At least, not entirely.
"You're sure you're okay? Maybe you uh... wanna sit down or something?"
"No... no, I'm fine."
"You wanna talk about it?"
"No!" Rice swung randomly, nearly hitting Michael with his gauntlet. "No, no, there's... there's still a few things I need to know. Yes. And you're going to tell me."
Michael swallowed. "I-I already told you everything-" he said, but then was cut off by a twitchy, unstable stare from Rice. The kind of stare a cartoon bull gives after it gets pied in the face. With the red part in the whites of the eye, you know the one. "Ummm... wha-what would you like to know?"
"It's not going to be quite that easy. No no no no," Rice shook his head.
"But, you don't need to torture me?" Michael ask-said, more hope in his voice than he intended. "Right?"
"Need? NEED? Need... oh yeah, yeah, I need to torture you. Them's the breaks, y'know."
"But! But why?! I said-"
"Tsk tsk tsk, torture isn't just about getting information out of you," Rice said, rubbing his hand on the brown pony's head. "It's also about what other things you can tell me, stuff that you can't say. There's just so much more to leeeeeaaarrrrn."
Michael, being himself, had to ask at that point, "Like what?"
Rice's face went blank. He couldn't think of anything. "Umm... Well, I can learn how better to torture people. See? That's something important."
"But-"
"But I've already tested a lot of the whole pain and physical torture ideas out, so I wanted to try something new with you," Rice said. He hooked up a helmet and attached several wires to the restrained Michael Hay's head. "We're gonna try psychological torture this time."
"Oh please don't."
"Don't worry. I won't make you watch your own movies."
"Oh thank god."
"But I am going to have you watch a very different sort of film that should produce, well... interesting results," Rice said. He rolled down a projector screen at the end of the room. It rolled back up, naturally, but he rolled it back down and duct taped the edge. "Don't know why that keeps happening?"
Michael smiled for a minute. "Is it Revenge of The-"
"NO IT'S NOT REVENGE OF THE NERDS!!"
"Oh no, please not Biodome with Pauly Shore!" Michael begged.
"SHUT UP!" Rice said. Mumbling to himself, he quickly hooked up the projector. "No, Michael, this... THIS is an educational film."
"Ghostbusters?" Michael asked.
"What? No. Why would that be torture?"
"I meant the one with the girls in it."
"Oh. No, no, even I'm not sick enough to do that."
Michael exhaled. "That's a relief. Okay, so, what is it?"
"It's a documentary," Rice said, quickly finishing hooking up the reels.
"About what? About something scary or mysterious or something?"
"It's about how hot dogs are really made," Rice said, and closed the door. The light turned off in the room.
"Oh..." Michael said, momentarily relieved. Until he thought about it for a moment. "Wait, what?"
The South Carolina Meat Packers Association and Bureau of Health, Tourism and Firearms Proudly Presents: What Goes In The Sausages? Brought to you by Burgerphile International. Try our new Breakfast Sausage Burger!
*This film has not been authorized by the USDA*
"Hi. My name is Toby-Travis Walker-Smith-Jim-Bob-Fitzgerald Roy, but most people just call me Roy. Today, we're going to take a magical trip to see just what makes the inside of an automated meat processing and packaging plant just so magical. So pay close attention all you boys and girls, because you just might learn something."
"Huh," Michael said. "This doesn't seem so bad."
15 minutes later
"OH GAWD MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!"
"Hey Earl! We got another jam in head removal!" "Ya see, sometimes this machine gets gummed up a bit you gotta stick in a broomstick to unclog it. Careful though, it's got quite a bite on it and you don't wanna get pulled in. That's how Four-Finger Freddy lost his big toe." *RRRRRRVVVRRRRRRRRRVVVRRRRRRR* "And this side here is the premium and this side is the regular coming out here."
"PLEASE MAKE IT STOPPPP!! PLEAAASEEE!" Michael begged. But Rice was content to let it go on. He had a lot to see.
Doctor Whooves and Rarity rushed through the underground arena corridors. They quickly found out there was a lot more than just one stadium. There were demolishing derbies in one arena, giant robot fights in another, giant monster battles in the arena next to that and Pokemon, Digimon and Yu-Gi-Oh! battles side-by-side in a larger arena hosted by two versions of Hello Kitty, one nice and the other sinister, yet both adorable. They even passed by the studios where they filmed Double Dare 2000 and The Hunger Games: The Next Generation.
"What kind of place is this? Is it-"
"It's not Fight Club," Kelsan stopped Whooves before he could start.
"I wasn't going to say that," he lied. "But really, what kind of underground NOT-Fight Club is this?"
"From what we could tell, it's some sort of hastily-made arena. People from other dimensions have found out this place is, well, under new management one might say, and they've come from all over to settle old scores," Kelsan explained. He might've mentioned something more, but a pair of Team Rocket thugs came running from the other side of the corridor.
"And here comes the disposable thuggish cronies as usual," Whooves said. He then turned to the stormtroopers behind him and said, "No offense."
"None taken."
Kelsan drew a holdout blaster from his coat pocket. "Sergeant, defensive positions! Make ready to fire!"
The stormtroopers raised their blasters.
"Wait!" Rarity stopped them. "I have another way."
The second storm trooper stared at her from behind his black visor'd helmet. "We prefer it this way."
"Do you prefer them calling for backup?" Doctor Whooves countered. "Because that's what they'll do when you start shooting. Not like you'd hit anything with those anyway. Honestly, you really could learn something from Solid Snake because-"
"We get it." Kelsan sneered as he withdrew his sidearm.
"Take my hooves." Quickly, they grabbed her legs and made a circle. She teleported them, all five of them. The greater the distance, the more magical power was required to perform a teleportation spell. But it was clear that Rarity now held great magical power herself.
Eight Team Rocket grunts ran down the corridor. They passed right under where Rarity had teleported them in the ceiling. The five of them then reappeared where they had been standing.
"See? Isn't that just so much easier?" Whooves asked. "We don't have to resort to the barbaric options always."
Kelsan shifted his eyebrows. "Says the timelord and the ninja girl that knifed a squad of assassins."
Rarity stepped forward. "How did you know about that?" The Imperials hadn't been around when Rarity rescued Dan and Doctor from the GenoHaradan. How could they have known about that?
Kelsan pointed up at the magical windows. "Those have been broadcasting everything since we got here. Everything that happens in, on or around this planet, we've been able to see. Not much else here to do so, we caught a feed of your escape outside of the Tesco." They marched onward, leaving any further suspicions unvoiced.
But the Doctor stayed with his eyes focused on the large magical jumbotrons for a moment longer. "Broadcasting everything from everywhere..." he said aloud. "Everything in, on or around Equestria."
"Doctor, we must hurry!"
"Right."
Continuing through the corridors, they eventually found exactly what you'd expect them to find in a massive, subterranean stadium: a museum. And it was inside Stable 4.
"Who the hell built all this? You're telling me all of this was beneath Appleloosa the WHOLE time?" Whooves asked.
"Stable 4 was never finished," one of the Imperials said. This time, it was Norman, the storm trooper sergeant, not Kelsan the gray-suited officer. "So, the odys all got together and set up their little emporium here."
"Odys?"
"Short for Odysseyers. Wanderers, travelers, wayfarers, whatever," Kelsan this time explained. "People from elsewhere in the 'verses that show up to buy, sell and bet on things. Interdimensional fanboys, fangirls and fan-others. Odys just wander around, inconspicuous. Most of them are totally harmless unless you have something obscure or famous. Or famously obscure."
"Or obscurely famous?" Whooves asked. "Wait. That explains why we're in the arena."
"And why there's toys of us as well. Doesn't matter what dimension you're from, there's always something worth something to somebody."
The Doctor nodded. "Sand's the currency in the city of gold."
"Ha! This is just what happens when a universe loses its point."
"It's point?" Rarity turned around. They stopped their hurried run for a moment.
"Point. You know. Purpose," stormtrooper 2 explained. "A universe is usually balanced on a single point, a person or group of people. When it loses them, well, it's pointless."
"I think they mean Twilight," Whooves said. "I've actually seen something like this before. This one person was the key to an entire planet's survival. Heh," he chuckled. "And they say only Atlas had the weight of the world on his shoulders."
Rarity frowned. "Equestria has always been... why am I even explaining this to you? It's obvious." She turned and started walking away.
"What's obvious?" Kelsan asked.
Sighing, she turned back to them. "Darling, life is more than just a single being. No matter how important they seem."
The Doctor once again had his brain working. "What if one person meant the whole world to you? And what if that person was gone? What if you still had to live in that world?" He looked around. "What if other people did?"
"What are you saying?" Rarity asked.
"The Tesco. And the Sainsbury's," Doctor Whooves said. "It wasn't here until I was. Equestria makes and remakes itself based on what people want it to be, whoever lands in it next. I think... I think this is what happened when Rice was the only pony left. The world is nothing but cold and endless silence."
"And beneath the surface it's war," Rarity said.
"What is Tesco?"
"But... if Equestria's magic is still at work, wouldn't that mean the planet isn't dead?" Whooves asked. "What if we just found everypony and unfroze them? Would everything just... I dunno, go back to normal?"
"It'd be a start," Rarity said, smiling. They intended to do that anyway. "Having everyone's home back would be nice."
"And having my ship back would also be nice," Kelsan added. One of the stormtroopers held a hand to his helmet, as if he was on a phone inside his helmet. "Let's keep moving, shall we?"
The group continued up the ramp and into the museum, back into Stable 4.
The museum had many exhibits, all from Equestria. Not art but artifacts, all in glass cases.
"No touching boys," Rarity cautioned them all. "Even if it looks special or especially shiny. There could be alarms."
"Patrol."
"Or patrols, yes."
"Patrol. Coming toward us!"
Three Team Magma grunts walked their way down the museum. They stopped to check out an exhibit or two, even engaged one of the interactive exhibits.
"So the Galactic Federation finally showed up."
"Which one is that? Starfleet?"
"No, the ones with the guns built into the armor and all the T-symbols everywhere."
"Ah," Magma Grunt 2 nodded. "I still have no idea who you're talking about."
But Grunt 3 did. "Does that mean we have to deal with the floating jellyfish-things now? What'd they call those again? Metrobes?"
"Metroids," Grunt 1 said. "And some of those were already here."
"That right?" They casually walked by Rarity, Dr. Whooves and the Imperials. The five had disguised themselves as a museum display with the Doctor standing upright and a sultry Rarity next to him. They were flanked by the stormtroopers and Kelsan in the back, who was using his commlink to look like a spy. The three Magma grunts walked right past them, not paying them a second glance.
"I probably won't be able to teleport us in this small space."
"We'll keep that in mind," Kelsan said.
They continued their tour of the museum until they found a peculiar exhibit, one about early pre-pony Equestria. Unlike the others, this one was encased in ice like the captive ponies from the train.
"Huh. I didn't know there were dinosaurs here before ponies," Doctor Whooves said. "I guess that kind of makes sense. Would've imagined them as pony dinosaurs."
"There used to be lots of dinosaurs in Equestria. And Appleloosa," Rarity explained. "And the Crystal Empire. They eventually migrated and they live near the dragons now."
"Fascinating history lesson, really, but we should keep moving," Kelsan said, prompting them to leave the display.
Whooves eyed the exhibit one more time. "Wouldn't exactly have imagined them with top hats."
The exhibit in question was entitled: EARLY EQUESTRIA and did in fact feature a dinosaur. A rather dapper-looking tyrannosaurus rex was sitting near a campfire in the frozen display beside a crystal pony. The pair looked to be in the middle of tea.
The museum held a lot of different artifacts and exhibits. Most of them seemed to be related to Equestria, but not all of them. Rarity even stopped to examine one. Time being of the essence, it wasn't the most prudent decision and she knew it, but this exhibit was special; it was about her.
And at the same time, it wasn't.
"That is not Carousel Boutique," she declared.
The Doctor examined the exhibit closely. A pony mannequin like the ones Rarity used stood in front of a photograph of Carousel Boutique. On either side, framed, were dresses and clothes designed by Rarity.
"That's not Carousel Boutique?" Doctor asked, eyeing the picture. "Then, what may I ask, is it?"
Rarity shook her head, a little irritated. "I don't know. But that is not MY Carousel Boutique." She approached the photo. "The colors are COMPLETELY wrong, the patterning on the exterior is absolutely ATROCIOUS and the... the... the-" her hoof shook as she pointed, "the accentuation! It's- it's clashing! Oh goodness, I need to sit down."
The Doctor squinted his eyes. It looked like the Carousel Boutique. The shape, size, the decorations on the outside and even the Ponyville tents in the background were the same. But on the closest of possible inspections, Doctor Whooves DID notice the differences: the colors were off just a little, with the lighter purple and pink swapped out. The pattern of the paint on the walls was also narrower, with the diamond-shape being more of a square and the accents, the triangular covers extending from the roof, alternated between round and pointed edges like a streamer rather than an embroidered edge.
"Oh... oh yes, I see."
"We don't have time to sight-see," Kelsan reminded them.
Rarity ignored him and pressed the button. Something about her, specifically something wrong about her place of business, she was compelled to learn more. She pressed the guided tour button in front of the exhibit.
"Please deposit two bits."
"I got it." Norman produced a couple coins from one of his belt containers.
"The Carousel Boutique, an iconic feature of all Version 4.0 Equestrias, is the home of Rarity V4. As the home and business of a world-renowned fashion designer, it functions as the perfect centerpiece for fashion-oriented Ponyvilles. Base cost- 1200 gem and 400 bits. Additional accessories are purchasable, cost varies."
The guys all looked confused, but Rarity's face held an additional mixture of distraught. "What?" she asked, and hit the button again. "I don't... there's not-"
"The Carousel Boutique, an iconic-"
"No." Rarity said, shaking her head. "No, that's not right. That's not right!" She pressed the button repeatedly, frantically, hysterically.
"The Carousel Boutique, an iconic feature of all Version 4.0 Equestrias, is the home of Rarity V4."
The Doctor intervened. Rarity turned away from the display, rubbing her left leg. It was as if she couldn't face the exhibit about her own house.
"Rarity, what's wrong?"
"It'll have to wait, whatever it is. We're moving on. Now," Kelsan said sternly. He and the stormtroopers ushered the pair back into the present and forward down the hall.
Although pressed onward, the Doctor leaned over to whisper, "What's wrong, Rarity?"
"They- they didn't mention my sister. Or Opal."
"Oh."
The Doctor didn't say anything more. There was nothing he could say. Was the Boutique in the exhibit from some alternate reality? Some Equestria in ages past? Or did they just leave out Sweetie Belle and Opal, along with who knows what else? It didn't matter. Being objectified in such a way was bad enough but even worse was forgetting the important things. Family was important to Rarity, more than any dress or clothing she ever made. The bonds that kept them all together, even with the distance between them, was the strongest fabric Rarity worked with.
*krrsssh!* Something shattered behind them. One of the displays had broken.
Rarity, Imperials and Doctor all spun around. But instead of seeing someone breaking into the exhibits, they saw someTHING breaking out of one.
"I don't think that's part of the guided tour," Whooves said.
Standing as tall as the corridor was a fully-upright tyrannosaurus rex in a black suit with a matching black fedora. Only Norman, one of the stormtroopers, had seen Tuxley before but with his vastly-altered appearance, he didn't recognize him. Tuxley's upper body had more bulk and musculature than Captain America and his arms, formerly a bit on the small side and gentle, were now enormous trunk-like features ending in five-fingered claws. His tail was like a whip and his legs were like steel girders. And he was walking right towards them.
Unauthorized Augmented Umbrella Corporation B.O.W. Mr. ReX Gon Give It To Ya
Every step from the approaching dino made the corridor shake. The sound of his boots reverberated off the walls, through the ears and into the hearts of all five of them. For a brief second, they all had froze.
"Are you daft?! Shoot him!" Whooves ordered.
The stormtroopers opened fire, with Kelsan joining in a moment later. As could be expected, their weapons had absolutely no effect. Mr. ReX didn't even slow down.
"Weapons are ineffective!" Norman said. His Imperial combat training kicked in and he automatically stated the obvious.
Kelsan sneered. "We're not even singing his clothes."
"I've made suits like that before. It's no wonder your guns didn't work," Rarity said.
"Will you DO SOMETHING?!"
Rarity jumped forward and projected a shield from her horn. For a moment, Tux did have to slow down, but shouldered through the energy barrier like pushing through a light breeze.
"Wait!" Whooves said. "I know what to do!" He grabbed Rarity's underside with one hoof and her tail with the other. He then spun her tail. It had the effect of causing the fashion designer to look at Doctor Whooves and question his sanity.
"Darling, I can safely say, you DON'T know what to do."
The Doctor released her. "I'm having an off... everything."
"Run. Run!" Kelsan said. The others followed his lead and bolted down the corridor as Mr. ReX stomped towards them.
"At least we can outrun him!" Rarity said. The mannequin then landed in front of Kelsan, nearly causing him to trip.
Behind them, the brainwashed Tuxley was now throwing the museum exhibits at them. The picture of the Carousel Boutique smashed into the ground in the middle of them, along with part of the wall.
"OH YES!!" Dan got to his knees and double arm-pumped towards the ceiling, overcome with elation.
Boba Fett's gun barrel was still smoking. He aimed it at the prone form of the brainwashed Chris Redfield until he was sure it would not somehow reanimate. Satisfied, he lowered the gun. And he said nothing, as usual.
Dan grabbed him by the helmet and very nearly kissed the man. "I love you. I freaking love you, green man, you are just- you are awesome, you know that? You want a job?"
"Off." Boba shouldered Dan off of him. "No touching."
"And that's a style I like, too! Man, you and me are gonna get along real well, Boby."
"I'm leaving," Boba Fett said. He turned and walked away.
"Another great idea from my new friend, Boby." (Dan is pronouncing Boba's name as 'boh-bee' in an adorable, yet chafing sign of possessive admiration.) "Just give me a second. Stevie, grab Nicky, I'm going to get Redfield."
Cap sighed with a bit of relief. "So you are planning on taking Chris?"
Dan shrugged. "Yeah, I don't exactly get along with the guy, but it's not like I'm just gonna- hey, Boby, where are you going? HEY!" Dan called after Boba Fett but the other human was already way ahead of them. As he asked where the bounty hunter was headed, Boba activated his jetpack and jetted up to the rafters high above. Despite Dan's shouts, he was gone.
"What the hell is that about?!"
"I guess he's not one for sticking around. He is a mercenary, Dan," Captain America reminded him. "I've worked with people like that before. When the money's gone, they're usually pretty quick to follow."
Dan shook his head. "No, that's not how this is supposed to work. I beat him, now he works for me. That's how this is supposed to go." Cap gave him a quizzical look, prompting Dan to explain further, "It worked that way with the Enclave. And the zebras. And the seaponies."
Steve patted Dan on the back with his free hand. "I don't think it's always going to go quite that way. Why don't you go grab Chris so we can get out of here?"
Reluctantly, Dan looked over to where Chris lay. "You're SURE we can't just-"
Cap shook his head. "No, Dan. Now, c'mon." He began walking towards the edge of the arena.
"What if you carry both of them?"
"Not happening."
"Could I carry Nicky? We could trade, Stevie!"
"C'mon, Dan."
"Rrrrgh." In a very disgruntled manner, Dan went over to where Chris was flat on his back and grabbed him. By the leg. Instead of carrying him with any remote amount of grace or dignity, Dan grabbed one of Chris's legs and began dragging him across the sandy metal floor of the arena. Cap decided he should be happy enough Dan even obliged him and offered no further comment.
Approaching the barrier, they noticed two obstacles immediately. First was the glass-like barrier in their way. Second was the pack of raving fans just beyond it. But the first one, they might not have to deal with.
"No way we're climbing over this."
"In my experience, they usually don't go up all the way," Dan remarked.
Cap placed his hands on the transparent wall. "I have a feeling this one does."
Behind the glass, the fans were getting rowdy. Although a transparent barrier separated them, many fans had chosen to throw unfinished drinks and food items at Dan and Stevie. All of them had their faces obscured in one way or another; no skin or anything else identifiable on them showing. In theory, they could've been any race, gender or species. They all wore hooded cloaks or coats of some kind, mostly brown or tan in color. But to Dan, they all spelled 'nerd' and he could smell it on them through the glass.
Dan looked around. "Yeah, this would have been another reason not to let booster-boy going flying off into the ceiling."
Again, Cap decided not to comment. "Maybe when Nick wakes up he'll remember something about how to get out of these stadiums."
"Do you remember anything while you were brainwashed?"
Cap thought for a moment. "Not... really," he admitted.
"Nice try anyway, Stevie."
But as they were talking, Dan noticed something a ways down the glass. There was a hole in it, one apparently the fans hadn't even noticed.
"Stevie."
"Yeah Dan."
"There's a hole in the glass," he pointed.
"Oh. Well, that simplifies things." The two men walked over to the hole, not caring about the fans behind the glass. None of them were really following Dan and Cap themselves but were more upset there wasn't a show going on. Some had their cell phones out while others talked to themselves in groups. None rose to continue harassing Dan, a testament to their commitment to remain seated. Perhaps the seats were assigned.
The hole was just big enough for Dan and Chris to get through one at a time.
"I didn't even see Boba Fett make this," Cap said.
Dan looked at the edges of the hole cut into the glass. It was smooth all the way around and there were no glass shards on either side. Instead, Dan saw the large piece that had been cut propped up against the side and left there, almost unnoticeable.
"I don't think he did," Dan remarked.
Not only did they exit the arena into the stands where there were the fewest fans, but most of them hadn't even noticed them. But the few that did came over to introduce themselves. Naturally, they did so in the most polite of manners.
"Hey, fuck you!"
"Show's over kids. Pack it up and beat it."
One of the larger ones, the first one to introduce themselves looked around. "Hey, we all paid for a show."
"That's right!" "My money's just as good as yours!"
"Hahaha," Dan chuckled. "Oh, you guys want to see a show?" He picked up Redfield by his legs. "Well, here's something you can write home about."
Cap spent the next five minutes watching Dan beat the crap out of people with Chris Redfield.
1 month ago Somewhere over Equestria UNSC Prowler Last One Out
"Jake!" "JAAAKE!!"
Slowly, his vision started coming together. The bright light burned away into color, a black vista painted with countless twinkling lights scattered across it. Stars. A strange orange hue engulfed them all, waving and whipping through the starscape wildly, making everything look slightly brighter than usual.
Jake realized he was looking through a breach in the ship's hull. And it was on fire.
"JAKE, WAKE UP!! JAKE!!!"
He tasted blood in his mouth. And he couldn't move his left arm. His squadmate, Dollars, was in the cockpit of their Prowler, looking back over his shoulder. He couldn't see his friend because of his helmet but his own radio let him know he was shouting at him.
"Jake, wake up! C'mon, man, I need you!"
Jake found he could move his right arm. He remembered it now; he went to check on one of the prowler's subsystems when the wall had exploded in front of him and he had been knocked into the other bulkhead. He'd been blasted back so hard it had knocked him out and pinned him underneath a loose secondary conduit. His right arm, which had been holding his MA5B, had escaped the falling device.
Using his right arm and chest, he pushed the conduit and was able to get it off of him.
"Jake! Oh, thank goodness, Jake- I need your help up here!"
He nodded and carefully stepped over the conduit. Nothing felt broken, a good sign. But Dollars was piloting the ship now, a bad sign.
Jake carefully made his way to the cockpit. The atmosphere in the ship was gone and so was the artificial gravity. Fortunately, his smart boots kicked in and kept him from being sucked out of the vessel. He took the co-pilot's seat next to his friend and gripped the controls.
"Okay, uh, between the two of us, I think we have one working booster," Dollars said. Jake didn't even have to ask what happened to the pilots and the rest of the crew; there was a giant hole through the top of the cockpit that went right through the floor, barely missing both helm suites.
In front of them, starscape was beginning to disappear, slowly being engulfed by a larger, bright surface. Equestria, the planet ONI had directed them to after Reach. Their vessel was skimming across the planet's upper atmosphere, the plates on the hull being specially resistant, were causing the ship to bounce off rather than gain entry into the world below. That would not last for much longer.
"Okay, we're gonna have to alternate power between the two engines to get us stable!"
Jake nodded.
"On three, pull up. One. Two. Three!" Dollars shunted the power to the port engine booster and Jake yanked up on the yoke. The ship pulled upward. But the weight of the ship, mostly in its aft section, pulled it back towards the planet, causing the quick boost to become more like a flip.
Jake counted down to Dollars with his fingers. One. Two. Three.
Jake transferred power from his engine to Dollars'. The ship pushed up again before gravity could yank it back down.
"Go again!" No time for a countdown any more. Jake reacted, then Dollars, then Jake, then Dollars, their motions completely synced up. The prowler slowly escaped the planet's gravitational pull once again.
"Theerrrrrrrrreee we go. Oh... oh, thank shit," Dollars said, slumping into his chair. Jake, exhausted and bruised, also slumped, mirroring the action.
"Oh, man..." Dollars breathed heavily, "and I thought it was going to get easier after Reach."
Jake nodded.
But easy was not in the cards for the two ODSTs. The ship that had fired on them, that had somehow seen them through the UNSC prowler's stealth field, slowly rose into view.
"Oh fuck."
Jake swallowed.
A small red ship that looked like a cross between a speedboat and a crossbow turned to face them. The ship in question, unidentified and not answering hails, was of a model that the UNSC did not have in its database. Although it didn't appear to an Earth vessel, it did seem like it was human-made rather than Covenant, Forerunner, Precursor or Construct. Unfortunately, they hadn't had time to analyze it before the ship had fired on them, taken out most of the crew and sent the prowler into a tailspin towards the planet.
Now, they were facing that same ship again. And it did not give them mercy.
The second shot cut the prowler in half from bow to stern. Jake and Dollars were in the process of getting out of their seats when the ship exploded.
Two weeks ago Surface of Equestria
Jake woke up again. This time, it was not space that greeted him, but a plethora of masks. Hooded figures stood over him. Some worked on his legs, two each worked on his arms and then two others worked on his torso. Another pair of hooded figures apparently looked were looking at his eyes. They didn't say anything, neither did he.
He looked down at himself. His body was mangled, burnt. How had he survived? Had he survived? He shouldn't be alive, and yet, he was.
He tasted dried blood in his mouth, smelled just a slight whiff of his own burned hair and flesh. He had been saved moments from death. But how?
One of the hooded figures held up a jar of pink goo. He took a single drop and extracted it. The figure carefully touched the goo to Jake's finger. The pink goop glowed brightly, and then so did Jake's arm. It glowed brighter and brighter until it almost hurt his eyes... and then he felt a familiar feeling: fabric. The arm of his ODST suit appeared over his hand and arm, connecting to the rest of his armor. He balled his fist and stretched his fingers. It was like new.
The pink goo disappeared. From the jar, they removed more and more of it, carefully piecing Jake back together. The figures then propped him up and clasped his MA5B to his back. One of the brown figures approached him with a data pad and held it up above his head.
Jake looked at it. As expected it, the figure held the pad lower. Jake looked at it again. Above his head again, then lower again. The pad's light color changed from red to green each time Jake's eyes locked with it. He shook his head afterward and the figure nodded once, understanding.
Dollars was apparently finished at the same time.
"Jake! Jake, are you in there? Are you alright?"
Jake gave a firm double-nodded for "affirmative."
The hooded/masked figures assembled before them. They didn't know it, but they were in a train station just north of where Ponyville used to be. The figures bowed politely in unison.
"Wow... uh, thank you," Dollars said. "Thank you for saving us."
Again, the hoods bowed and said nothing. The two UNSC troopers returned the gesture. As they stepped outside, Jake's TACPAD lit up with activity. New data, new signals and new communications were all being picked up by his wrist attachment. He held it up for his friend to examine.
"Wow... can you believe this?" Dollars asked. They both looked at the new data being sent in. More UNSC signals, a lot more were being broadcast. "I guess we missed out on a lot."
Jake nodded.
"Still... pretty lucky, all things considered. Without those guys... we wouldn't be here," Dollars remarked.
Jake nodded solemnly. He tapped his chin approvingly, thinking something about the message of the kindness of strangers. How they owed their very lives to a people and power they didn't understand, but were undoubtedly grateful for. Naturally, having understood this, Dollars perfectly articulated the exact sentiment Jake was feeling.
"Command's never gonna believe we were saved by Jawas," Dollars said. Jake facepalmed hard.
Dan kept swinging Chris, clobbering the various fanboys and fangirls. He enjoyed himself only too much, as usual, while Captain America was forced to watch. Cap checked on Phoenix, who was still out cold.
As Cap examined Phoenix Wright a bit closer, he noticed his hair was extra-shiny. He pinched one of the lawyer's trademark back-facing 'hair spikes.' Between his fingers, very faintly, was a pinkish substance. It was the same stuff he'd been drenched in earlier.
"Hey Dan- oh." Cap paused not just because he noticed exactly how many fans Dan had thrashed or that the human was still busy thrashing, but also because Cap saw how many fans were continuing to gather.
Yes, the strength of fans was not just in their passion; it was also their numbers. The more Dan smacked with the limp body of his frival, or friendly rival, the more seemed to appear. Most weren't even fighting, at least not yet. They gathered and continued placing bets, talked, discussed, joked, laughed and treated the current fight just like they had been moments ago. The fight hadn't changed, it had just moved out of the arena.
"Uh, Dan?"
"Here's one for you! And you! Yes, and your friend, too!" Whomp, thump, thwamp, Dan smashed his way through the fans. "HAHAHAHA! You came to see a show, didn't you?!"
"Dan-" Cap reached out and grabbed Dan by the shoulder. It was only then the smaller human noticed just how large the gathering crowd was.
"Haha... hahaha... ha... ha..." Dan stopped laughing and slowly lowered the Chris Redfield bat. The good news was that Redfield had apparently regained his usual outfit from Dan using him as a club so much. But, the bad news was that they were completely surrounded. There were so many that Dan could not see over them, nor could Cap see around them.
The fans may have lacked some confidence, but they found it in the fact that there was a fuckton of them and that the bigger ones were in the front.
Finding the crowd size a little intimidating, Dan reverted back to diplomacy. "So, uh... that's the show. Hope y'all enjoyed it... homeys. Whatever you kids call each other. And uh, I'm Dan, this is my friend Stevie and my other friend Nicky... and my friend Chris or whatever. We're all friends... sort-of." He looked around at the silent, unmoving hooded figures. "Thanks for coming?"
The fans said nothing.
"Dan," Cap said, swallowing. "I feel a little exposed here."
"Why? They're just fans," Dan said, smiling at the nearest post-apocalyptic doom fanboy. "I bet you'd like an autograph, wouldn't you, buddy?"
'Buddy' pulled out a spiked club. "Take off your shirt."
Dan slowly backed away. "Okay... THAT went in a completely different direction than I thought it would." He bumped Cap in the back. Both men were famous characters surrounded by hungry fans. It was like being surrounded by piranha wearing suits made of beef.
"I want his shoes." "I want his hair." "I want his femur."
"I want to leave, Stevie," Dan said. The fans came closer, eager to claim literally every piece of the iconic characters. They'd be lucky if they had any teeth left by the time they were done. More of the fans began brandishing weapons. Others brandished iphones and other recording devices. Dan dropped Chris and climbed up Captain America until he was on top of the man's shoulders.
"Dan, errgh, you're," he shifted," you're a bit heavy."
"SAVE ME STEVIE THEY WANT MY FEMUR!"
"Ten bits for his shoes!" "I'll give forty bits for a sock!" several fans called from the back. Knowing they weren't far enough to get the early pickings, the rear fans began offering bribes for various parts. A cartoon character and a superhero were worth a fortune.
They crowded around Captain America. They were almost in arms' length of him. Just as they were about to literally tear them all apart, Steve Rogers smirked as an idea came into his head.
"Wait a second," he said. To their credit, the fans actually did wait. Fans were great at negotiating. "You guys are hardcore fans, right?"
"Yeah," most of them echoed in unison.
"I mean, we DID organize a post-apocalyptic underground wasteland tournament of champions and are garbed as the traditional roving doomsday marauders so, heheh, yeah, I think we're pretty hardcore." "Your mom made your costume, Travis." "No, she HELPED with my costume. She HELPED because she's better with in-seams than I am." "That's not all she helped with!" "Okay dad, thanks, that's enough." Travis had very supportive parents.
"Anyway, I've got a question for you guys," Cap said. He got that cocky smirk he does sometimes. "Who would win in a fight? Me, Captain America, or..." he paused for a moment, letting suspense build, "Batman?"
"Batman," they all said. Even Dan, who was on top of Cap's shoulders still.
And Cap felt his shoulders go slack. "Really? You all think I'd get beaten by Batman?"
"Yeah," unison again. Including Dan. Again.
"Stevie, he's Batman," Dan said.
'Buddy' nodded. "You can't beat Batman." "He was just in arena twelve. Beat every other superhero. Because he's Batman."
Steve looked up at Dan as much as he could. "What about you versus Batman?"
"Woah woah woah, Stevie. First, yes, I would beat Batman. It would not be easy-"
"Wait," Steve stopped him. He looked at the fans. "Who would win in a fight? Dan or Batman?"
"Hmmmm" "Hrrrrr" "Hnrrrr," the fans went. Some said Dan, some said Batman. Most said Dan.
"If it's Dan Versus Bruce Wayne, I'm with Dan." "We're just talking about Batman vee Dan right now." "Can you have Batman without Bruce Wayne?" The deliberation was on. Already, people were discussing the subject on various social media platforms. Of course, in the multiverse, the only really used social media platform was Team Fortress 2. Nope, not Twitter or Facebook or any of that crap, just TF2. And Overwatch.
"Who's up for the Dan Versus Batman fight?" "Put me down for twenty on Dan!" "I have thirty on Batman!" "Twenty for Dan!" "Fifty on draw!" "Alright, everybody back to Arena Nine for the Batman Versus Dan fight!"
Dan grumbled. "Great job, Stevie. Brilliant work. Now I have to fight Batman. This is going to be just perfect."
"Apparently you're getting good odds."
"I know. It's not like I won't win but it's going to be a bit tough to explain to Gotham City why Batman needs a week off," Dan said. "Fortunately, I know how to get us out of this."
"How's that?"
"Ask them THIS instead:" Dan said. He whispered into Steve's ear what he wanted him to say.
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Okay," Steve took a deep breath, "Attention... uh, hardcore nerds! I mean, uh, you guys. I have a question for you all."
"We quarter Captain America, then we get to the Dan vee Batman fight. Sound good?" "I wanna get something to eat first." "Okay, rip apart America, food, then fight." "Works for me."
All of the fans answered, and each of the Mane Six were among the answers. It was about even- a six-way tie. The fans began to turn to one another.
"Rainbow Dash? Are you serious?" "What has Rarity been best at anything?" "She's been around the longest!" "By that logic, SPIKE is best pony!" "I think Spike is best pony!" "SHUT THE FUCK UP DAVID."
And this continued to the back. "Why would you say Fluttershy? You have a Pinkie Pie body pillow." "...That's only the decoy body pillow." "Decoy for what?"
"I don't care if Twilight Sparkle's the main main character. Applejack is best pony." "Maybe best background pony." "Oh, ha-ha, that joke was funny nine seasons ago." "But the show's only nine seasons long." "Exactly, Amy and by the way, go fuck yourself. Pinkie Pie is annoying."
"Does anyone like Starlight Glimmer?" "She's not even in this universe." "She will be."
And then things got heated.
One of them pulled out a gun. And then more guns were drawn.
"Woah. Brian-" "Take it back." "Wha-" "YOU TAKE IT BACK!" "Dude... it's okay. You can think Twilight Sparkle is best pony, that's fine." "IT'S NOT RARITY! HOW COULD YOU LIKE RARITY OVER TWILIGHT??!!" "Brian... put the gun down, man." "She's not..." "I'm your ride!" "SHE'S NOT BEST PONY!!!!!!!!!!!" *BANG*
No one knows who shot first. But all hell broke loose after that. The fans shot, beat, stabbed each other, threw each other, one even took Dan's suggestion and used the body of a close friend as a club. It was an incredible fight.
The fan Dan called 'Buddy' did not last long. Being bigger and closer to Dan and Cap, he was an easier target. The larger humanoid was one of the first to fall to the horde of fans. Two of them tore a fan's hood off and shaved a surprisingly accurate depiction of Fluttershy into his head. It was madness.
And Dan watched and enjoyed it all. "Now THIS is a show worth paying for. Was this what you were going for, Stevie?"
"Sort-of," Steve said. "A bit more violent than I imagined." He had to step over a pool of blood.
"I know. You had a great idea, Stevie."
The fans fought until only two remained. Both of them a bit short, they had not answered either of Cap's questions.
"You," Dan said to the first one, "Why didn't you fight?"
The short fan shrugged. "I like Steven Universe better." Dan shot them.
"You," Dan said to the next one, "Same question."
"I uh... I like Derpy," they said in a cute voice. "I always thought she was best pony."
Dan nodded in agreement. "Good answer." Then he shot them. "Alright Stevie, let's go get something to eat."
Behind them, and on Stevie's back respectively, Chris and Nick began to wake up. They had many questions when they saw the carnage around them. Dan would answer none of them.
Listen here! There once was a GREAT SHOW that visited town every year. Such a spectacle it was that it drew crowds from near and far. People of all ages brought their friends and their families to see it. What a feat it was, that every year people would anticipate its arrival with great fervor, and the crowd seemed to grow larger every time. People laughed and cheered and felt the MAGIC the show brought to the town, and they were happy.
As the ages past, the stage and its players were forced to CHANGE. While the SPIRIT of the show endured, it did only for a time, until every aspect of the once-great show had become a far cry from its origins. A tragedy to be true, but tis the nature of all things, that all good things must end.
Eventually, the crowds grew smaller and smaller as the MAGIC of the show began to fade. One fateful day, no one came to see the show, and that was the last time it ever played. Now lost to history, it is said that only the show's DIRECTOR remembers the story. The only one left who knows the TRUTH has found it to be a tale too sad to tell.
Listen here! Once, there was a TOWN where a GREAT SHOW came to visit every year! It's said it burned to the ground in the space of a single night. Only its ashes remain. Who could have done such a thing, I wonder?
Exhaustion, hunger, general tiredness, these were things Dan allowed himself to feel when he was about to relieve them. Right now, he was about to relieve them.
Dan rapidly approached the concessions stand.
"Hello sir, would you like a- OH MY GOD!"
Dan casually toss-dropped the body of Chris Redfield on top of the concessions vendor. The innocent gentleman behind the counter collapsed under the weight of the larger video game character and was immediately crushed.
"I'm sorry," Cap said to the vendor. Rather than wait for an apology or anything from Dan, the concessions vendor actually demonstrated incredible intelligence by scrambling to his feet and running away. The vendor would not suffer more than having the wind knocked out of him and being a little bit disturbed from the encounter.
"So how'she... how's he been since... I was out?" Phoenix asked. At the lawyer's request, Captain America was still carrying him.
"Pretty much how you'd expect," Cap answered.
Dan popped up from behind the counter. He was busy fixing himself a couple of hot dogs.
Steve stepped up with a slight grin on his face. "Hi, could I get one with mustard and relish?"
"Sure," Dan said, surprisingly. And then, unsurprisingly, Dan turned around and left him standing there.
"I could've told you that would happen," Phoenix said.
"Yeah... me, too."
Dan had three hot dogs, Cap and Phoenix had two each, Chris woke up and made himself some nachos. Chris did not ask where they were or what he was doing dressed up like Wesker.
"It's kind of weird, right?" Captain America said. He held up his last bite of hot dog and looked it over, just as juicy and meaty as any one he had on Earth. "We're stuck in some sort of makeshift, quasi-organized interdimensional underground arena... and they still serve hot dogs, popcorn and soda. Just like at a ballgame on Earth."
Phoenix nodded. "I'm pretty sure they overcharge for them, too. Just like on Earth."
"Heh, probably."
"Yeah, but they don't have slushies," Dan said, sipping from his drink. "They have some kind of weird, liquidy-marshmallowy stuff. It's not bad. Weird, but not bad."
"Kind of like the shakes from Burger King," Chris remarked.
"You mean Burgerphile," Dan corrected.
Chris shook his head. "No, I mean Burger King."
Dan looked over at him. "The fuck is Burger King?"
"It's a fastfood joint. Like McDonald's."
"Or Carl's Jr," Phoenix chimed in. "It's pretty cheap and... and I still can't afford it." Phoenix Wright was a very rare thing for a lawyer to be: an actual decent human being. He cared more about justice than winning cases, he took pride in helping people and seeing truth and justice served. Naturally, he was dirt fucking poor. Dan had more money than him. Maya had more money than him. Detective Dick Gumshoe... actually made the same amount as him. But Edgeworth and Von Karma were loaded. Larry wasn't.
Dan leaned forward. "This a European thing, I take it?"
"No, it's American," Chris answered. "They have 'em all over the place."
"Well how come I've never heard about McDonough's?"
"McDonald's."
"Whatever. Or Burger King. That sounds pretty close to Burgerphile anyway."
"They still have burgers just like at Burgerphile," Cap said.
"Well, can I still get a Classicphile without cheese there?" Dan asked.
"Sure, but they don't call it a Classicphile without cheese."
Dan cocked an eyebrow. "And what do THEY call it?"
"They call it a Whoppertm. And it doesn't come with cheese, either- that's extra," Cap explained.
"I see, I see," Dan rubbed his chin. "But can you still get Burgerphile battered oil-fried onion circlets?"
"Yeah," Cap nodded, "But they don't call 'em Burgerphile battered oil-fried onion circlets."
"Whadda they call 'em?"
"Onion rings."
"Hmmm," Dan said. "Place that's almost identical to Burgerphile... goes by a different name." He rubbed his chin. From his pocket, he pulled out a blue piece of paper and unfolded it.
"That the new The Listtm," Phoenix asked.
"This is The 'Maybe' Listtm," Dan answered.
Chris leered at him. "So, you're gonna burn down Burger Kings because they "maybe" just Burgerphile by a different name?"
"Actually, no. This list is just for what may have to go on the The Listtm at some point. That's why it's-"
"That's why it's "maybe," I got it."
Phoenix jumped in before the fighting started. "So, what's the plan?" (I'm just assuming he has one but... it's a safe assumption.)
Dan leaned forward. "Twilight's in that tartar place. Tartarsus or something."
"Tartarus?"
"Yeah, that. Along with most everypony else. We saw a bunch of ponies encased in like, blister packs. Wrapped in plastic like toys," Dan explained. "And being sold. Like toys. Your sweaty buddy Writhe N. Payne was involved."
"Payne..." Wright repeated. Not with any malice in his voice, but with the slightest hint of regret, regret that the two men were adversaries.
"I chased him here with Doctor Whooves and Rarity. Also, better news, we found-"
"Rarity!" Phoenix exclaimed. He stood and slammed his hands on the table like it was a court bench. "You actually found her?"
Dan nodded from side to side. "Well, she found us. And saved us. Also, assassins are probably watching us. Right now."
"Assassins?" Cap said, dropping his relaxed, arms-crossed position. "HYDRA?"
"No, not those Nazis, something different," Dan thought, remembering back. "They had some kind of weird name. The Genome-hirogen or someting. And there were ponies among them..."
Phoenix nodded. "We've seen a little evidence of this before. Outside interference."
Dan smirk-scowled. "These guys were creepy, Nicky. Real creepy. And they wanted me to break into Tartarus, too."
"Which you were already planning on doing," Chris said. "Did it ever cross your mind that maybe you might want to work with these people? Even temporarily?"
"It did," Dan admitted. "Briefly. These guys were not the kind of people you want to team up with on any basis, permanent or otherwise. This isn't Survivor, Chris. We don't make alliances with bad guys in Equestria."
"Hmm."
"You have something to add, Stevie?"
Cap leaned back again. "Just that you're speaking for quite a few when you say what we do and don't do in Equestria."
Dan considered his words. "I guess I am. Anyway, the donkeys also have access to Tartarus through their own prison complex. Tartarus' back door, I guess. We're going to get out of here and break into the donkey prison complex of Bursavis, if it's still there. We get Twilight and Chrys and the others, then we find a way to get to the moon."
There was a pause as they all took in the plan. None of them knew exactly all it would entail. When no one said anything else, Dan continued.
"Bursavis is in Donquestria, far to the south in the heart of the Badlands. Train from Appleloosa goes right to it, the only rail line between Equestria and Donquestria. The donkeys and ponies have had an alliance- a real alliance, Chris, for years. Not an alliance of convenience but one based on mutual trust and respect. Most of the time, anyway."
In truth, the donkeys partly maintained their alliance with Equestria out of sheer stubbornness. Unwilling to go back on their on decision, or to be seen as the first party to flinch, the donkeys steadfastly remained trading partners with Equestria through the ages. Gems and food were mostly traded for textiles and ores. The Badlands were rich in silk and stone, while Equestria and the Crystal Empire had plenty of food and precious stones. Trade between the two countries was very good, but the donkeys had maintained it even when it was more profitable to leave and trade with others.
The donkeys were untrustworthy of most others, priding themselves on the security of their nation. Unfortunately, revolutions were common in Donquestria, and many rebel factions refused to negotiate with the leadership. Stubbornness was a quality the vast majority of donkeys held, in many cases as a point of pride.
"New Troy," Dan continued, "is the capital of Donquestria. Railroad leads right into it. But there's a wall in front of it."
"Are we going to take a page from the Greeks, then?" Cap asked. "Or our modern go-to with the pizza delivery guy disguise?"
"Neither of those things are off the table at this point," Dan answered.
"Well," Chris stood, "if we're leaving, I'm going to get more food."
"First idea you've said I agree with," Dan said. A stern look from Chris reminded Dan of something he said he'd at least try to do. "Not the first idea, I mean, but... good idea, Chris."
"Thanks."
They were busy looting the concession stand, and eating while doing so, eat-looting, when Rarity, Doctor Whooves and the Imperials ran by chased by the brainwashed Tuxley.
"Did you just hear that?"
"Hear what?" Dan asked, stuffing hot dogs, nachos and nacho cheese into a bag.
"I just... I thought I heard someone running by here. Just now," Phoenix said.
"Probably not anybody we want to deal with," Dan said.
Rarity, Doctor Whooves and their Imperial associates ran by the concessions stand three times before Dan and the others noticed. Then, they ran around twice more before Dan did anything about it. Cap and Chris tried to do something the moment they noticed, but Dan wanted to stop and evaluate the situation before intervening. For safety. And because he found watching them to be kind of funny. But also for safety.
Dan walked out into the center of the path. He knelt down, placed both palms on the dirt and felt the land. Eyes narrow, he then picked up a pinch of the dirt and held it in front of him, the grains slowly falling to the ground.
"What is he do-"
"Shhhhh," Phoenix said, shushing Chris. "We're watching the master at work."
Dan stared off in some random direction, as if searching for something on the horizon, even though they were deep underground. Satisfied, he nodded to himself. He then placed a single ice cube on the ground and stepped back.
Rarity and Doctor Whooves came running by first. Following closely behind, the two stormtroopers and Imperial officer Dan did not recognize. Finally, charging like a locomotive was the mutated Tuxley. And it was Tuxley who slipped on the ice cube.
"Grrreee-hmmmmmnnmg." The dinosaur groaned. He slipped and then slid, catching his balance but for a moment. Then, his grace failed him and the heft of his torso pulled him down and into the dirt face-first. Dan then tossed a bucket of water on him.
"And once more, we walk the dinosaur. Thanks everybody, I'll be here all week or whatever measure of time can be assessed since the world ended. Tip the help," Dan announced.
Cap, Chris and Phoenix all joined Dan, watching Tux morph back to normal as they approached. Phoenix even applauded.
"That's our guy! That's our guy, right there! What did I tell you? Master if ever there was one." (Master of Disaster, usually, but I guess that includes natural disasters, too? Eh, I'll go with it.)
Chris, arms folded, gave a slight huff. "Well, that was about the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Definitely the dumbest way to take down a B.O.W. Heh," he grinned, "Nice job, Dan."
"Thank you, Chris. See? You would've just shot him, wouldn't you?"
Chris nodded. "Yeah. I'll admit that."
"Tux seems like he's coming around," Cap said. "But what about the others?"
Dan checked his wrist, even though he wasn't wearing a watch. "Oh, they should be back around in about two minutes."
"Should I get more ice?" Chris asked with a smirk.
"No, Chris, no. That wouldn't help," Dan said.
"Hey- I was joking."
"It's alright," Dan said, patting him on his shoulder as he walked by. "Nicky's jokes sucked, too at first."
Smiling, Phoenix threw an arm around Chris Redfield buddy-buddy style. "Think about it, Chris. Soon, you'll be up to my level. And I had to work for a whole year to get where I am now."
"So, one day, I can aspire to be as dorky and ridiculous as you, Nick?"
"If you're lucky," the lawyer said.
Chris sighed, his limbs suddenly feeling heavy. "I didn't come here with expectations, but you have found a way to disappoint me anyway. Great job."
"We like to keep the bar low," Cap added. "At least, that way, everyone can join our team."
"Can't get much lower than this, that's for sure."
"It can always get lower, Chris!" Dan shouted from behind the concession stand. "Help me stuff hot dogs into my pants! We're taking all they've got!"
After Dan was done looting the snack bar, the group had yet another happy reunion.
"I dare say, this is becoming all too common place for us," Tuxley said.
"MMmmm-hmmm," they all went.
"We're just happy to have you back, Sir Tux," Phoenix remarked.
Tux looked around. "Errmm, where, may I ask, is Sir Reginald?"
After going back to the museum and reviving Sir Reginald, the group had yet another happy reunion, take two.
"Okay, so, we've seen this pinkish gooey crap everywhere," Dan said. "Obviously, Dipshit Vice Grip is using it to brainwash, mutate and transform our friends."
"We've seen it before. It was- eeeuuggh, at that day spa, of all places," Rarity said, remembering back. "I thought it was just shampoo at the time, but it seems to have more magical properties than we first realized."
"It's some sort of proto-magic," Phoenix explained. "Flim and Flam made some super sticky gum out of it, there were tubes full of it in the underground factory, the Director and Vice Grip must be using it for all sorts of things. Evil things."
"Things that will inevitably piss me off," Dan remarked. "Apparently, it can affect your brain if it gets on your head, so watch out."
"We should get a sample of it," Chris Redfield said. All of them looked over at him as he sat, arms crossed in front of him.
Dan shook his head. "We tried that. It evaporates too fast and you can't get it wet."
Chris thought. "Have you tried freezing it?"
Everyone turned to Dan. The human shifted his head. "No. But we can't exactly carry around a refrigerator with us."
"I might be able to help," Tux said. From his returned-to-usual coat pocket(his clothes were in the museum), he produced an aluminum cylinder.
"Shaving cream?" Cap asked.
"Heh. Okay, not bad," Chris said.
"Oh, I get it," Dan said, nodding. "What do I get, Nicky?"
Tux grinned. "Come now, gentlemen, you do recall I own a museum dedicated to such items, do you not?"
"A museum or a Jurassic Park?" Chris asked. And half the group laughed. So Chris's jokes were already starting to get better.
Reginald shrugged. "He does have us there, sir."
"Touche, Mr. Redfield. But Sir Dan, with this device, we may obtain and freeze a sample of the substance for examination," Tux said, holding up the Barbasol shaving cream can.
"First things first, we find Twilight and the others," Dan announced. "And first-er than that, we find a way out of here."
Doctor Whooves stopped in front of them, panting. "I've been running this entire time! Why didn't any of you say anything?!?!"
"We didn't feel like interrupting," Dan said.
"Oh you fucking piss-take." Whooves collapsed.
Dan got up. "Right. Uh, somebody wanna carry him? Anyway, we're getting out of here, so grab a hot dog while you still can."
"Where exactly is the exit, Dan?"
"Well, if there's a museum, there's only one exit, Nicky- through the gift shop."
Dan had a difficult decision; he heard the distinctive sound of vehicles driving, but that might complicate things. Army of zebras, seaponies, interdimensional fascists, tree-hugging communists and criminal thugs, Dan was fine with handling. An army of fans, especially fans of him, was entirely different. Fans of Captain America, Resident Evil and his best friend the Ace Attorney, he could probably take care of but Dan knew if they were fans of him, there was no telling what they were capable of.
"You said the museum was this way?"
"Through here, yes," Rarity nodded.
"Could always just follow the hoofprints," Doctor Whooves said chidingly. "Hoofprints, bootprints and the giant dinosaur-prints as well."
"I do apologize for that... unpleasantness," Tuxley said.
Dan made a cutting motion with his hand. "It's been a day for our friends being turned into giant, hulking monsters. And Chris. Once again, focus on Vice Grip- he is the one to blame for all this garbage."
"Not all of it," Rarity commented.
"Quiet. Let's... let's just get out of here," Dan said, motioning them forward. "Before more Team Rocket dorks show up."
The museum was easy to find. They exited the massive arenas, leaving the other denizens to fend for themselves. Captain America led the group with the stormtroopers while Chris once again took up the rear. They encountered no opposition, no further Poke-crook or robot patrols, though the Stable 4 security system tracked them. They passed by the display Tux and Reginald had been captive in, and further down the mess Tux made when he was brainwashed. No one made comment on it.
They passed more exhibits in the museum. Most were small, more like trophy cases than anything with historical or cultural value. There were price tags and sale signs on more than a few of the exhibits.
"Is this a museum or a gallery of some kind?" Chris asked.
"Both. Neither. I have no idea," Dan said.
"I think it's both," Doctor Whooves said. "Museum first, then people can buy the exhibits. Make the most money possible."
"Off of my home," Rarity added. "All our homes."
Dan nodded. "The entire planet. Everything Equestria is or was. The last time anyone from any other place would have a chance to buy it- right when it all ends."
"So this is what happens after the apocalypse," Phoenix said. "The end of the world in one universe but to everyone else, it's a liquidation sale."
"Everything must go," Reginald said, summing it up. But not everything did, and they all knew that.
They came to an intersection into the hall.
"Clear right."
"Clear left."
"Hold on," Dan stopped them. "I wanna check this wing."
"I thought we were short on-"
Dan cut him off again. "I just wanna check this wing." Above the entrance to the adjacent hall was a banner that read:
Myths of Aquastria
"Aquastria?" Cap asked. "Didn't that have something to do with the seaponies?"
"It did," Phoenix said. "Just not the seaponies from our universe."
"Wait," Rarity said, "Does this mean... that the seaponies are real now?"
"They were always real. They just weren't always here," Phoenix said. "The seaponies that invaded Ponyville and tried to blow up the dam, those were seaponies from another dimension. Another Equestria. We never found the ones that were from our universe... if they exist."
"Something like that, anyway," Dan added.
"It can be a little hard to wrap your head around, but the same things in different universes are, well, different," Cap explained. "Canterlantis is a sand castle resort in this Equestria."
"And Canterlantis being the home of the seaponies is a legend here," Rarity said.
"It might still be true," Chris reminded them.
"So could this Aquastria. Let's check it out quick, see what they got right," Dan said, and led them all down the hallway.
The Myths of Aquastria wing turned out to be more of an aquarium than a museum. Tanks of fish and sea life lined the darkened corridors. There were no audio guides and the lights were dimmed. Placards hung next to the tanks detailing facts about each specimen, descriptions engraved on each in eerie, glowing letters. At the bottom of each card was a portion of a geographic map of Equestria's oceans, the location each specimen was found.
Twilight would've undoubtedly found it fascinating. The Golden Oaks was lacking in the marine biology department and here was the opportunity to gain information. Some of the fish Dan recognized from pet stores on Earth, including the ones he exacted revenge upon. This one was creepy, though. It seemed to stretch on forever. It was only after they had lost sight of where they walked in that Dan realized the path they were on was curving.
"Cap?"
"Stevie?" Dan and Phoenix tapped him on either side of his shoulders. "Stevie, let's keep it moving."
"I've seen a fish like this before. Look at him. Isn't he a cute little guy? They had a few of these at the fish tank at SHIELD."
Dan looked at the display. "It's an angelfish. Yeah, these are pretty common." But Cap seemed really captivated by the fish, watching it as it swam.
Chris walked up from behind to join them. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing, I just- I like fish," Captain America said.
"Are you Captain America or are you Aquaman now?" Chris asked.
Cap turned to him. "I love Aquaman." That statement stunned literally everybody. "He's my favorite superhero."
"He's your FAVORITE superhero?" Phoenix asked. "Favorite? Not Falcon maybe, or one of our friends from when we fought Wesker and Dr. Doom?"
Chris blinked hard. "Okay, but... why?"
"Well," Steve began, "when I was growing up in Brooklyn-"
"Oh gawd, not another Brooklyn story."
"When I was growing up in Brooklyn, we didn't have a lot of money, so we took girls to the aquarium sometimes," Cap explained. "The New York Aquarium right on Coney Island was always a favorite spot of me and Bucky."
"Okay, but why Aquaman?" Chris pressed.
"Well," Steve continued, "this was before space was really popular. Talking to fish, breathing underwater, that was cool. Back then. And it still is."
Dan knowingly pinched his cheek. "You cosplayed as him, didn't you?"
"I dressed up as him for Halloween."
"Well that's-"
"Dan!"
"Guys, up here! You're gonna want to see this!" The others called for them ahead in the hallway.
"Let's keep it moving, Aquaman, we'll have time to go fishing later," Dan said, and they stepped up the pace to join the others ahead of them.
A turn in the hallway led to an area with no tanks, but rather portholes that looked out into a massive tank. Two massive tanks, as the portholes on the other side seemed to be overlooking a separate one.
"What did we find? What's all the hullabal-"
"AAAHHH! AHHHHHH!!" Someone screamed at the other end of the corridor. The Imperials raised their rifles, Cap raised his shield, no one raised any objections.
"Who's there?" Cap called. He took a few steps forward, cautiously, while the others covered him.
"AAAAAHHHH!!" The person ran down the hall right at them. Rather than attacking, Cap calmly opened his arms and caught the screamer. It turned out to be a woman. And that woman turned out to be a Team Aqua Admin.
"Relax. Relax!" Cap said, restraining her only slightly. "We're not going to hurt you! Calm down."
"It ate them! It-it ate them both!!"
"What ate them? Ate who?"
"The monster! It's out- it's out there, we have to get out!"
"Alright. That's enough for me," Dan announced. "Let's go gang. Back to the museum, we're getting out of here. Now."
"Calm down!" Cap said firmly, the woman still squirming in his arms. "Where is this monster?"
"Why are you dressed like a pirate?" Rarity asked.
The slender woman's eyes darted around at them all, panicked. "I was- we-we-we-were w--w-w-with the sub. The Explorer 1, we took it and we had to get to the cave to use the orb but then this flash of light happened and then there was Team Rocket and they showed up and we-"
"Slow down," Captain America said.
She swallowed. "Look, all you have to know is there's a thing- a shark, a monster shark, and it's in one of these tanks and we-"
"It's in one of the tanks?" Dan asked. "So it's not in the hallway or anything?"
"No... I mean- no. Not unless the hall floods. Or something," she said. "But it could flood. It could flood and the thing could get out! Then we have to-"
Dan shrugged. "Then we're safe and dry here! Let's go find this shark anyway. Might be something to see."
"NO! NO, WE HAVE TO GET AWAY-" One of the stormtroopers stunned her. The anime girl went rigged, her red hair went from poof-wavy to frizzy and she fell down flat on the floor.
"My goodness," Rarity said. "That poor, strange, badly-dressed pirate girl. I wonder what happened to her."
"I'm excited to find out at this point."
"Sir Dan," Tuxley raised a claw, "I must ask... is this the most cautious course of action?"
Dan smirked. "Don't worry, Tuxer. We have Aquaman with us, after all."
"I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?" Cap asked.
"Probably not," Dan slapped him on the back. "Let's go see the next big fish."
When they arrived at the shark tank, Dan could not believe his eyes. They were all astounded, but Dan more so than all of them.
"Wow," Dan remarked. "I don't believe it."
"Jaws 20?" Chris asked, looking at the display on the wall.
"They actually made that many sequels. I had no idea," Dan said.
"I don't get it," Phoenix said. "There were only four Jaws movies."
"Er-hem, if I may," Tuxley said, "you'll recall that in Back to the Future pt.2, there was an advertisement in the future Hill Valley. An advertisement for a movie. That movie... was Jaws 19."
"And now they've made Jaws 20," Dan said. "Relax everybody, it's a joke. Just another gag."
"That's a big relief," Phoenix said. (I am definitely not a fan of scary movies, much less nineteen sequels to them.)
Reginald nodded. "The 'joke' as it was in Back to the Future, was that the movie had so many sequels to begin with. And that despite it all, the shark in the movie still looked fake, as Marty McFly observed."
"More things change, the more they stay the same. Sequel's never as good as the original anyway," Dan announced. "Except with Godzilla movies."
"Not quite sure about that, Dan," Cap said. "In my case, I honestly thought..." he trailed off.
"Thought what?" Dan asked. And no one answered him. They were all staring just behind Dan, out the porthole into the tank beyond. Dan turned around.
People like to make fun of the Jaws film franchise. It's gotten hokier and goofier as time went on. Same with a lot of other shark movie franchises; none of them captured the same spark, the same magic as the original. The shark looks fake in every movie, the characters act stupid, the plot doesn't make sense sometimes, it is just a movie, after all. But people often forget one tiny, important detail: it was a book first.
Something got lost in translation between the book and film adaptations of Jaws. Something gets lost in translation between lots of different adaptations. But that thing about Jaws in particular was found in Equestria... and it was found right in front of them.
Whatever confidence Dan felt very suddenly drained out of him when he saw the shark. He was, they all had been, expecting to see a fake-looking rubber mechanical shark like from the film. What they saw drifting scant meters in front of them was a real horror, a real shark. A real monster. Because for all the jokes, all the poking fun, the book was a monster book. And the shark was the monster. "Jaws" was not even the name of the shark- it didn't have one. True monsters didn't need them.
"Dan..."
"Umm," Dan momentarily found himself at a loss for words. The shark in front of them was large, like the one from the film, but had a few differences. It was darker grey on top, almost black and more smooth-looking than its film counterpart and had more of an under bite. Its eyes, blacker than midnight, blacker than a doll's eyes, were smaller than they had been in the movie, slightly smaller. But the scariest part of the shark, the part that made it truly frightening were the rows upon rows of dagger-like teeth in its mouth.
Like its namesake, the shark had teeth like sharpened steel swords in its maw. The light nearly reflected off of them. Behind the teeth, however, it was dark, a seemingly-endless pit of a maw. The movie model had only a single row of teeth, while this shark... clearly had enough for itself and others. They glistened as it glided by, silent as a ghost. Silent as a grave.
"Re-uh, relax. Everybody relax," Dan said, breathing a little heavy. Adrenaline had found its way into his veins and now every muscle he had screamed RUN.
"Yeah... heheh," Dan continued, or tried to, "There's none of that scary shark attack music playing. And none of us are from New England. We'll be fine."
"I know a guy from Maine."
"Okay, we're saving Silent Hill for season two, Chris, so you can shut up about people you know," Dan said frantically. Dan was not scared very often. Or, at all, if you asked anyone else about him. His emotions ranged from 'gleeful rage' to 'ragey rage with an extra helping of rage, a side of rage and a small box with leftover rage to make rage sandwiches with the next day for an angry lunch.' And that last one actually happened at Cafe Puree once.
The shark drifted towards them, almost looking like something out of a film. Its tail and fins barely moved, either to conserve energy or simply because it didn't need to at the moment. Slowly, the shark circled the outer edge of the tank, drifting by the windows and encouraging Dan and the group to take one gigantic step backwards, all at once.
"It's staying out of the center," Chris commented. "Hell... Umbrella's never made anything this big before."
"No wait, go back to what you said before, that was a smart thing."
"Haven't heard one of those in a while," Doctor commented.
"Quiet lime, but yes," Dan said, "It's staying out of the center of the tank."
Cap nodded. "It's staying out of the light." Was there something more to that? The shark in the movies didn't tend to stay on the surface for very long...
"Excuse me," Rarity interrupted, "But... and pardoning my language, could we, perchance, maybe, possibly, get the buck out of here? As one might say?" But no one replied to her.
In the original novel by Peter Benchley, the character Matt Hooper is also killed by the shark, unlike the movie. Many believe this was intentional; neither the scientist, who understood the biology of the creature, nor the hunter who understood the nature, survived. Only the pragmatist, the one who fully understood the monster for what it was- a danger, was able to defeat it.
Dan steeled himself. The shark's big, black eyes stared at him. And he stared right back.
"We're going to kill it."
"What?!" asked more than a couple.
"Dannnnnnnnnnnnnn~" Doctor Whooves said, cozying up to him, "Remember when I said there was a smart thing? Remember that? Well, I sure do, and I'd love to make more memories just like that one, and-ACCKGG" Dan shifted his shoulder and let Doctor Whooves fall to the ground.
"Okay. I'll bite," Chris said. Pun intended or otherwise, it was unwelcome and served only to bristle Dan. "How are we going to kill that thing?"
"We've got guns and three bags full of hot dogs. I'm sure we'll work something out, I mean, it's trapped in a tank," Dan said. A few expressions doubted him. Or possibly doubted the plan. "We'll get a toaster and a really long extension cable. This is not hard."
"The second one seems more our style," Phoenix said. (Not a huge gun fan anyway.)
"We have a style?" Chris asked. "I thought our style was just whatever stupidity works."
...
Silence. Whooves and Rarity stared at him, Phoenix rubbed his neck, Dan looked around. One of the stormtroopers cleared his throat.
"Was there a question in that?"
"No, I just... realized it too, yeah," Chris said. He reloaded his gun. "Alright, so, which should I get? Toaster or extension cord?"
"I like where your head's at, Chris." And Dan was about to answer Chris and tell him to grab the toaster from the concession's stand when a pair of Rocket Grunts rounded the corner.
"They're here!" "Hold up!" The grunts were armed with the standard 'thug submachine guns' from earlier.
"I'll get these guys first," Chris said, and levered his rifle.
"No, wait-!" Dan was able to stop Chris from firing, but the Rocket Grunts were another story. The two professional cronies opened fire. Naturally, this caused Captain America to deflect the bullets with his shield. And naturally, those bullets ricocheted right into the glass separating the tank with the killer shark and the hallway.
But! The glass did not break. Rarity teleported to the two grunts, used her levitation to lift the guns out of their grips and scolded each one of them. She scolded them so hard, they fell unconscious. Or... actually, she just beat the crap out of them. Yeah, that.
"Wow, that was lucky," Dan said. "This glass must be made out of that same stuff ringing the stadium." And then... he tapped the glass with his knuckle.
*crik* And water began pouring out as cracks formed. The shark behind the glass had come very close to them, either having made its way around to them or just because it had been hanging out around them the entire time.
Chris put his hand on Dan's shoulder. "Dan, I want you to know... I almost liked you."
"Chris, first, don't ever touch me. Ever," Dan said. "And second, everyone likes Leon better than you."
"I know." The glass cracked further.
"Including your sister."
"That's fine."
"And Jill."
"YOU SON OF A BITCH, I'LL FUCKING-" The glass broke completely and water came rushing in. They ran.
Dan ran headlong through the wing, back into the museum, and did not look back to see if the others were following him. But they were, along with a steadily rising tide of water.
"This way! We're almost there!"
"How do you know that?"
"Because it says the gift shop is this way!" Dan shouted as he ran. "Museums always exit through the gift shop!"
And he was right.
"Yayyyy!"
But it was closed.
"Godsqueeing dammit with all the squeeing squee we have to squeeing go through EVERY SINGLE squeeING squee DAY!!!" Dan's profanity was so strong we brought back the squee censors just for this instance.
Phoenix examined the door. "Security's engaged. It's locked down tight."
Eyes swirling, Rarity said, "I may not in fact have this."
"It's alright, Rarity. It's all right," Dan said, something approaching tears in his eyes. "I'm just so happy... so happy you actually remembered teleporting was an option. Everybody remember this; I know we're in a lot of danger right now, again, but really, this is a big moment."
Chris levied his rifle. "Get behind me, we'll try shooting it."
"No, Chris-"
"We're out of time, Dan!"
"No, I mean get the stormtroopers and all of you guys shoot it at once!" Dan yelled. "And Rarity can throw up a shield we can hide behind."
Chris withdrew the rifle. "Well, we have another problem with that."
"The Imperials are gone," Cap said. "The red haired girl is gone, too."
"What? Where did they go? Why would they just run off?" Dan asked.
"We WERE just fleeing from rapidly rising waters and the possibility of a giant shark encounter," Phoenix said. "They may have found another exit."
"Or they could be fish food," Dan pointed out.
"I... was trying to avoid that unpleasant thought." (Wouldn't wish that on anybody. Hmm... deadly, quick, grey, sharp teeth. Am I running from Franziska or the shark right now?)
"Er, gentlemen? And lady," Doctor Whooves said, looking down the stairs behind them, "we may want to decide our next course of action before we become the main course for that big, toothy guppy." The water level was steadily rising.
Dan rolled up his sleeves. "Alright, everybody, we're gonna all charge the door at the same time!"
"You're sure you wouldn't rather try knocking first? Has anyone tried simply knocking yet?" Whooves asked.
The sound of water splashing came from behind them. Wet sprint-steps; someone was running really fast towards them.
"Move! Move out of the way!" A man in hooded white robes and cloak ran up the stairway and weaved through them. Before Dan could stop him or even say anything, the man drew a sword. And with that sword, he cut a clean diagonal slice right at the door.
"Well... uh, that was a nice try, but-"
And then the door fell inwards. The white robed man turned around, looked at all of them, barely more than a quick glance and then faced forward again. He stepped over the fallen pieces of the door and quickly left.
"Hey! Uh, thanks!" Phoenix called after him. But the white robed man did not respond.
Rather than asking who he was, Dan asked the important question: "Where can I get a sword like that?"
"Didn't you and Twilight already get swords?" Phoenix asked.
"Those were more for show," Dan said. "I want a sword like that. Maybe they have one in the gift shop."
They didn't. Although they didn't have much time, they did give the museum gift shop a quick examination. And they found some surprising things anyway. Including-
"ME. AS A DOLL," Dan said. "AGAIN." Not an action figure, but a doll- Dan held up a small, stuffed, plush version of himself. There were pony dolls, even Spike and Tank plushies, but the Dan doll stood out among them.
Chris walked up behind Dan. "We lost the concessions stand snacks so Steve and I are stealing from the vending machines."
"Good. Steal me something decent."
"Right."
"Something with nuts!"
The doll was him right down to the pockets of his jeans. The only thing that wasn't the same were his shoes. Dan was still wearing the shoes he had from Earth, along with his other clothes, including his boxers. Whenever his clothes were damaged, he stopped by Rarity's and she repaired them free of charge. The doll's shoes were like Dan's, but were more rugged boots than those he wore.
Dan didn't think much of the differences in the doll. He ripped the head off it and yanked out the stuffing, searching for anything that might offer a clue as to why someone had turned his likeness into merchandise.
"Dan," Rarity said, "We found something."
On the other side of the store, Rarity, Tuxley, Doctor Whooves and Reginald were examining bottles. Bottles of the same pink liquid seen whenever weirdness popped up.
"More of the pink goop," Whooves said. "And it's not cheap, apparently."
"A single bottle is over a thousand bits," Reginald decried, checking the price tag.
"What is this crap? Does it say anywhere?"
"It says right on the bottle: Magic Gel. And it's a hair shampoo," Tuxley said.
"And combination conditioner and scalp moisturizer," Reginald added.
Dan picked up a bottle of the stuff. Clear plastic, stylized in the shape of a pony popping its head out of a vase, not unlike Knight had been in her ROOK mode. In fact, it was exactly like that. Behind the register of the shop were even toy Magic Gears.
"I did say I wanted a sample of this stuff," Dan said. He pocketed the bottle.
"There are some hairbrushes here, too," Rarity said. She touched one, turning it as it hung from a hanger. "Should we take anything else?"
Dan shook his head. "No, only useful stuff and what we can carry."
"Okay." They left the gift shop, following the only path out. They didn't realize at the time but the brushes had been another clue of sorts.
On the back of the hairbrushes was simple medal plate. Engraved in it was the shape of a mare they were all familiar with, and at the same time knew next to nothing about. She didn't go by that name anymore, but she was the only one among them who could be called queen. She wasn't with them now either, but in a way, she had never left them. Or rather, they had never left her.
More stairs but eventually, they made their way out. And they were all happy to reach the surface.
"We're out! finally," Dan exclaimed, relief filling his voice.
"Yes, out and into the cold again," the Doctor added.
"Not quite," Dan said. They were in the clock tower again, the basement of it below Appleloosa. Dan quickly ran up the wooden stairs and into the garage. Just as he hoped, the vehicles were still there.
"People! We have wheels."
"Shotgun!" Cap said.
Only they weren't quite alone. The white robed man with swords was there as well, attempting to break into a car.
"Having some car trouble?" Dan asked.
He looked over at them, a too-serious look on his face. He said nothing, but dismounted the car. The odd-looking Team Galactic car had a dome-shaped body, like a cartoony UFO. And it was locked.
"Let me guess," Dan said to the stranger, "your swords can cut through just about anything. But you can't cut through the car without turning it into swiss cheese in the process, can you?"
Dan's friends assembled behind him. The stranger stood in front of them, swords sheathed side-by-side on his back. For a moment, there was only silence between them.
The man opened his mouth, considered his words and then spoke. "You can get this vehicle working?"
Dan nodded slightly. "I've hot-wired a car or two in my day."
"So have I," Steve said.
"What's your name?"
"Eric," the man said without hesitation.
"Eric what?" Dan asked. And he received no answer.
Mysterious Stranger Eric? The Last Reborn
"Just Eric, then?"
"What's your name?" Eric asked.
"I'm Dan. This is my right-hand man Nicky. With us are Miss Rarity, Sir Tuxley, Sir Reginald, Stevie, Chris and uh... the Doc."
"I'm The Doctor," The Doctor introduced himself, sticking his hoof out for a shake. Eric did not accept the gesture. "Err... most people usually ask about that."
"I'm not most people," Eric said. "I would appreciate if one of you would unlock this vehicle."
Dan put his hands on his hips. "How 'bout this- who are you and what are you doing here?"
The human looked at all of them again. His eyes were still wary, as if he was ready to either run or fight at any given moment.
"My name is Eric Fyyar. My starship was shot down some time ago and I crash-landed on this planet. After that, I was captured," he explained. "I'm trying to leave, at this moment."
"Ah," Dan threw his thumb over his shoulder, "you with the Imperials? What's with the bathrobe?"
"I'm not with anyone," Eric said.
"Well, we can fix that. Would you like to come with us?"
"Dan," "Dan," "Dan," "Me," Dan said, acknowledging the three people who he already knew were about to advise him directly AGAINST doing what he was about to do, "and my friends are trying to get to the moon. We have to make a couple of stops first, but if you help us, I'm pretty sure we could help you get out of here."
Eric may have considered the idea of teaming up. Either way, Dan did it to see what he would do more than a desire to gain a new sword-wielding ally. The swordsman declined, and Dan and company ended up helping him anyway. They departed in three of Team Galactic's cars, not knowing a couple of the vehicles had really been Decepticons.
Dan drove one car, Cap the other, and together they headed to their next destination: the Equestrian Badlands. The sky above Appleloosa burned bright red and a beam struck the town. It was annihilated in a single flash of burning light as Dan and company sped away.
The snow had finally stopped, or maybe it just hadn't stretched to the Badlands. Either way, as they drove into the desert, it was clear they wouldn't have to deal with perpetual blizzards at least for the moment.
"So, I think we're all familiar with the plan by now, yes?" Doctor Whooves asked.
"Well," Rarity said hesitantly, "it's not so much as a plan as..."
"We're driving to Donquestria to get help from the donkeys to rescue Twilight and the others," Dan said. "Pretty cut and dry."
"We don't even know if Donquestria's still there," Phoenix reminded them all.
Dan, in the driver's seat, shrugged. "Not like we can go anywhere else. The battery on this thing is only like... well, it's at half? I think? Friggin nerdmobile."
Team Galactic, being comprised mostly of nerds obsessed with space and other worlds, had designed their vehicles to look like UFOs. And they did look like spacecraft, in a comically bad sort of way. Whether that was intentional or otherwise was unknown; what was known was designing a car to look like a space ship meant it didn't work that well as a car. Finally, to complete the nerd motif, the vehicles ran on one-thousand, one-hundred-and-thirty-eight double-A batteries. The Galactic Buggy could travel approximately four and a half miles before needing more batteries.
Fortunately, the cars they had chosen were for the Team Galactic Admins so their batteries lasted a bit longer.
"How far would you say we are from the donkeys' kingdom?"
"Couple hours at this speed, seeing as how we just left Appleloosa," Dan said. "And before you ask, NO, we're not stopping."
"The th-thought never crossed my mind," Whooves said.
"Oh god. And the only thing we have to eat are... are..."
"Lukewarm hot dogs in a bag," Phoenix said, opening said bag. And one of the hot dogs jumped out and latched onto his face. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"
"NICKY!"
"GET IT OFF ME!!"
"GET OFF THE WHEEL!" The car jerked and tossed, went up on two wheels. Cap and the others in the second car drove past.
Carefully, Rarity removed the attacking food item. Or rather, the foodimal.
"Prrrrrrrrr."
"Ha... haaaaaaaaa... I knew it was one of those all along," Phoenix said.
"Nicky, do not make me hit your psyche-gauge, really."
"I'll shut up now."
"You practically scared the poor thing," Rarity said. She cradled the hot dog foodimal and petted it. The odd creature closed its eyes and contentedly nibbled on her foreleg.
"Awww, that's an adorable campfire scene."
"Campfire scene?" Dan and Nick asked.
Whooves smirked. "Hot dog and a toasted marshmallow."
"Ha... oh, I'm sorry I laughed at that." Phoenix said. But Rarity, being a lady, paid them no mind.
Dan got back on the road easily and the second car fell behind them in place again. The sun set, and it was the first time they knew for sure it was night since they'd been separated. There was something peaceful about the stars and the desert, something that was even rare to see in Ponyville. Being surrounded by the mountains all the time, the horizon always seemed like something high or out of reach. But right then, as they drove to their destination unknown, it seemed like they could just drive straight into the twinkling night.
On Earth, Dan enjoyed driving. He really liked his car, and more than just because it was his. It was freedom, it was relaxing, it was possibility. It was hope on four wheels. Even if he never drove very far, just the fact that it was there, that he COULD whenever he wanted to, that was enough for him. He would often enjoy just driving, himself and Mr. Mumbles, traveling to somewhere just around the bend. But now, even though he wasn't with Mr. Mumbles, he still found himself with that familiar feeling, or at least a similar one.
He looked over at Phoenix. Rarity and the Doctor had already nodded off and it looked like the vigilance necessary to focus was taking a toll on his best friend.
"Why don't you get some shut-eye, Nicky, we'll be there in an hour or two."
He looked over at him. "You sure?"
"Yeah. I'll be fine."
"Alright, then. Don't hesitate to wake me up if you need anything."
"I won't." The lawyer shifted in his seat, got as comfortable as he could and went to sleep. Dan kept his eyes on the road as his heart began to feel a lot like that car; warm and full of love. And purpose.
The cars followed the railroad south. Officially known as Mane Line South, it was called the Underline by rail workers. It was the only rail line that traveled from Equestria to the donkey nation of Donquestria, from Appleloosa through the Badlands and the desert to the gates of New Troy. A more durable twin track railroad, it was still the target of the occasional raid from Badlanders.
They were almost there when Dan saw something he hadn't expected to see: lights. Not lights from electronic sources, but fires burning in the distance.
"Nicky... Nicky, wake up. Eyes forward."
"What?"
"We got something. I don't know what."
"It's a fire," Whooves said, leaning forward between the seats. "Bandits, maybe?"
"I'm turning off the headlights," Dan said. "Buckle up if you haven't done so. And lock the doors."
"Um, these seats don't have seatbelts."
"Yet another reason to hate Team Galactic," Dan remarked.
They approached the fire. It became clear it would be hard to travel at night without the headlights, because they almost ran into the source before they reached it. A train had derailed and the engine was on fire. It lay on its side, a melted wreck. Bodies, half-charred and burned were spilling out of the train cars.
"Holy shit."
"I concur."
"I wonder if New Troy is even still standing," Phoenix said.
"I... think it is," Dan said. He pointed forward.
The horizon in front of them began to rise. Or rather, the Earth beneath it looked like it was rising. It got higher and higher and higher still until it came into focus. A wall as tall as a skyscraper and longer than the eye could see appeared before them, the railroad running right up to a pair of massive doors and disappearing.
"That is one big damn wall."
"Sooooo... Dan," Rarity said, having awoken, "I presume your plan for getting us... through this obstacle involves a little more than just driving up to the gates and knocking?"
"Yeah, I'm... not really sure they'll fall for the pizza delivery trick," Dan said.
"Seems like they might be wary of Greeks, or anyone really, bearing gifts," Phoenix added.
Dan nodded. "Okay, so maybe we should just try knocking?" Literally everybody looked at him. Cap and Chris, driving in the second car with Tuxley and Reginald, drove up next to him and stared quizzically at him, despite the fact that there was no possible way they could've heard his suggestion.
"I'm not sure what's more surprising," Whooves said. "You suggesting the non-violent approach or you suggesting the totally obvious approach."
"Definitely the first one, doc."
"Quite right, Thank you, Nicholas."
"Look," Dan said, "I'm out of ideas and the car is almost out of batteries, so unless any of you have any suggestions-"
"I suggest dodging."
"Dodging what? OH HOLY SHIT-" Dan yanked the wheel as a giant fireball landed in front of them. Then another, then another. New Troy may not have fallen, but it wasn't accepting visitors at this time, either.
While the Team Galactic buggy was not the best car, it did fairly well to shield them from the flames. Again, Team Galactic's space dorkishness had paid off; the vehicle's quasi-starship construction made it very heat-resistant. The buggy absorbed the first fireball with ease and by the time the second one hit, the flames just rolled off of it.
"We're alive! We're still alive!"
"Oh gawd please help us!"
"Relax, Nicky, I know what to do."
"I'm fine. It was the Doctor who yelled," Phoenix said. In the backseat, the Doctor had already assumed the fetal position. The hot dog foodimal hopped on him gleefully. "So exactly what are you going to do?"
"Well, luckily, the nerdmobile is equipped with a car phone!" he said, holding up the receiver. "We'll just call the donkeys right now and tell them we're here on a diplomatic outreach program. They'll let us in."
Meanwhile, the Doctor had gone from fetal to panick and was using the foodimal to try to break out of the car. Rarity was forced to remove it from him for both the sake of the creature, the Doctor and everyone else.
Dan dialed a number.
"This is K-Rok Miami, your all-Gator sports call-in show, are you calling to say you're a Gator fan?"
"GRD-DRRGGRRRN, AGGRRRNRRGGGNNNAANNRRR-RRR," Dan yelled... something at the phone, and ripped it from its housing. "Lot less durable than the one Blueblood had."
"How are we going to get them to stop shooting us now?!" Whooves asked. "This ENTIRE plan has revolved around using the international relationship between two sovereign nations, one of which doesn't even exist any more! AND NOW WE CAN'T EVEN TALK TO THEM."
"Doctor..."
Doctor grabbed Dan by the sides of his head. "How do you KNOW ANY of this will work?! How can you just... just... go off of so little?"
Dan quirked an eyebrow at him. "What're you asking?"
"How do you... how do... how do I..." Whooves panted slower, his chest slowly rising and falling to a pace that could be described as calm. He released Dan's face. "How do I do it? We're..."
"We're NOT the same," Dan stated flatly. "But we do have similar methods."
Whooves' face went blank for a long moment. "What methods, specifically, are you referring to?"
Dan smiled that little way he does. "We both get by with a little help from our friends."
"R-right." Doctor Whooves felt a hard, cold lump form in the pit of his stomach.
"Attention outsiders! Exit your vehicles at once or you WILL be fired upon." *Kirrrrzt*
"See? There's our invitation."
"They're threatening to kill us, I wouldn't call that an invitation!"
Phoenix patted the pony on the back, which nearly made him jump out of his bow tie. "Believe it or not, this is exactly the invitation opportunity we're looking for." (People usually would consider talking about shooting at you to be a step in the wrong direction, but talking at all is a step further than actually shooting.)
Dan got out first. Phoenix joined his side, followed by Rarity who had to levitate the Doctor out of the vehicle. The foodimal came with them, unaware of what was going on. Cap and the crew form the other car filed out as well.
"State your business," boomed the voice from the wall.
"We seek help from... uh, you guys," Dan said, projecting his voice.
"Moment of truth, Dan, you want me to take this one?" Cap offered. "We're from Equestria."
"Nah, I got this, thanks Stevie."
"I don't think my shield can block... whatever it was they shot at us."
"They stopped firing already so I think we'll be pretty good for-" Another fireball soared through the sky. It impacted the second car directly. With the doors opened, the vehicle was exposed to the full force of the flames. It exploded.
"Equestria is gone. Your status is not recognized. Your entry is not permitted. Leave this vicinity or you will be fired upon!"
"Can those cars seat 8?" Chris asked. "Some of us may have to ride on top."
"Oh dear," Tuxley said. The group backed away from the wall.
Except for Dan and Phoenix. "Hold on, hold on!"
"Leave this vicinity now! This is your final warning!"
Dan pulled out something from his pocket. It was his royal guard badge. He held it high before the wall. "I am Dan, Captain of the Royal Guardsmen of Equestria, Knight of the Sparkle Order and representative of Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle. On behalf of Equestria, we seek your aid." He spoke firm and loud, unflinching as the dark and impenetrable surface eyed him. It was as though Dan was a man on a sandy beach demanding that a tidal wave bend to his will.
But nothing happened.
"Well, we're screwed, now," Whooves said. "I wonder how many regenerations I get as a pony. Ugh, I hope they don't make me a griffon. Can't stand feathers." The foodimal honked, as if to respond somehow to what the Doctor had said.
"Umm... is this good or bad?" Rarity asked, hunkering down. Very slowly, Cap raised his shield and the others proceeded to carefully hide behind it.
"Nicky?"
"Yes?"
"You might want to do something with one of your badges because I don't know how long I can keep doing this."
Phoenix nodded. "I would, but I don't know if they'd accept my Equestrian attorney's badge or my royal guard badge."
"Get both out; it can't hurt us at this point."
But he wouldn't have to. A violent pulse shook through the ground, so strong it even shook them standing meters away from the wall. A split appeared in the wall right in front of the railroad tracks as if it had been made by magic. The wall parted, sliding rather than bending either wary in front of them.
A wave of relief flooded the senses of Dan and the gang. The welcoming starry skyline and the outlines of buildings beyond beckoned them, like a form of divine deliverance.
Dan still stood with his badge outstretched. "Umm... does that mean we can go in?"
"Yeah you can come in."
"Cool."
"Wipe your feet."
"On what?"
"WIPE 'EM!"
They each brushed their feet off on the sand before taking the final steps into New Troy. At first, no one was there to greet them. And then, their welcoming party appeared.
Ten donkeys flew down on jetpacks from the top of the wall. Unlike the other welcoming parties Dan had encountered before, these donkeys were armed but did not point their weapons at them. Instead, each of them bowed. A final donkey jetted down right in front of them, right in front of Dan.
"The Knights of Donquestria acknowledge the Royal Guards of Equestria as representatives of the Kingdom of Equestria," the yellow donkey said, very official-sounding. "You invoke the rights of the Sunset Treaty?"
Dan and Phoenix exchanged a glance. "Uhh.. yeah?"
The yellow donkey reached into his own saddlebag pocket. He pulled out his own badge, a bronze shield, and held it before them. Dan touched his Royal Guard badge to the donkey's badge. The symbol of Twilight Sparkle's cutie mark, and the Element of Magic, fit inside the symbol of Donquestrian Unity, the Stalwart Compass. The badges locked in place as they connected.
The yellow donkey stood firmly, chin held high. "As the sun sets for one, so shall the other venture through the night to help both reach the dawn," he recited.
"To the dawn of the new day," Phoenix said. He had no idea if that was part of the ritual; it had just been something he read. But it seemed to have worked.
"Very well, Captain. What aid do you need from us?"
"How has your kingdom survived?" Rarity asked.
"Yeah. Every other country has fallen apart but you guys seem to be doing all right," Dan said. "Do tell us your secrets, pretty please."
"Ah. Well, about that-"
"Sir?" One of the other donkeys passed the yellow captain a scroll. "Oh. Good."
"It's been three months and Vice Grip has had the run of the planet. How have you guys survived? I mean, that wall is one thing but I've seen what that guy can do," Dan said. "Not that I've ever been impressed. Even once. Ever."
"Oh, that's simple. They're attacking from the other side of the wall. There's usually more guards here. We've been under siege for weeks and our capital's already fallen," he said, matter-of-factly.
"Oh..." Dan said, feeling his hopes sink.
"What was that note about?" Phoenix asked.
"Ah, yes, Vice's army is on its way here."
"WHAT?!?!" they all went.
And then Dan asked, "THEN WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT'S A GOOD THING?!"
The yellow donkey smiled slightly. "Because you're here to help us. You'll be our reinforcements."
"Oh yeah? What makes you think we'll do that?"
The donkey held out his shield. "On behalf of Donquestria, as Captain Lucid of the Knights of New Troy, I hereby-"
"I'm going back to the other side of the wall," Dan said.
Dan had to be a little more than encouraged to stay. First, he just made a dead sprint for the gates while they were still open. Cap was able to grab and contain him long enough for the donkeys to close them. Naturally, Dan tried to climb the wall next, but the fact that it was a solid, vertical stone wall was enough to ensure he didn't make much progress. After the fourth time he slid back down again, he accepted his current circumstances.
"So, how many donkeys are there?"
"Just us," Captain Lucid replied. "The rest of the army has been redeployed to various other tactical positions, including our reserves. We were left behind to watch the wall."
"Okay..." Dan clapped his hands together, preparing to get to work. "We're screwed."
Rarity stepped forward. "Excuse me, Sir Lucid?"
"Yes, miss?"
"You said that there was an army on its way here..." Rarity said, looking around, specifically behind her. "They're on the other side of the wall? Meaning this side?"
Lucid nodded. "Yes, Vice Grip's army. Armored dog soldiers from what we've seen. They're riding on some sort of rapid siege weapons, bikes or something."
"How long until they get here?" Cap asked.
The donkey looked over his shoulder to a dust cloud gathering in the distance. "Probably not long."
"What defenses does the town have?" Dan asked. "And/or hiding spots. I'm not ruling out trying to trick them until they just go away- this is Vice Grip's army we're talking about."
"There's just us. The wall is the town's only defensive measure. Seriously, you see how big that thing is? There wasn't anything left in the defense budget after building something that thing," Lucid explained.
As Lucid said that, a trio of figures jumped across the rooftops in the distance. Two men dressed as clowns chased a third man, a scuba diver in a blue tuxedo, across the top of pizza parlor. One of the clowns tripped on a loose shingle and fell to the ground.
"I see you've got your own lunatics, too."
Lucid rubbed his blue-beareded chin. "Actually, the clown on the ground was here before the world ended. No idea about the other two guys, though. But yeah, there's some raiders that have taken up residence near here." Glass shattered in the distance, a dog barked and there were faint sounds of gun fire after that, then silence.
Dan frowned and shook his head. "Oh, I can already tell this place is going to be FUN. Alright, you need help defending your town? Well, it turns out you're speaking to the guy who's number-one at home defense."
"Though you did blow up the last town you tried to defend," Phoenix reminded him. "But that was on purpose."
"Thank you Nicky, for that valuable input," he said through gritted teeth. "The point is, I will gladly help you defend your town."
"Oh, thanks, that's great because we really-"
"However!" Dan spun around, started pacing, "I will need you to do absolutely everything I say when I say it. Are we clear?"
The donkeys looked at each other. No one in Dan's party blamed them.
"I said, ARE WE CLEAR?!"
Lucid shrugged. "Eh, sure, whatever."
"That's the spirit! Now, point me to the armory."
"The armory's been looted," Lucid said.
"Gun store?" Dan asked.
"Looted."
"Hardware store? Used appliance retailer? Electronics shop?"
Lucid shook his head. "Looted, looted, looted and burned down. And then looted again."
Dan rubbed his chin, thinking for a moment. "Pet store?"
"Right this way," Lucid said, and began leading them into town.
True to its name, New Troy looked more like an ancient city than a modern-day one. A few smaller storefronts and buildings were wood but most were stone, supported on huge columns and solid platforms. Some of the buildings had an architecture similar to Ponyville and Manehattan, while others resembled buildings on Earth, primarily Texas and New Mexico. If any of them had been expecting an Appleloosa 2.0, it was clear now to see they had been pretty off.
In fact, new troy was pretty surprising to all of them. The streets were paved, at least the main ones, not dirt or sand. The railroad continued running right through the town but there were other rails as well. Four different types of faded colors were painted on the various rails aside from the main ones, each denoting a different track.
"This is the biggest pet shop in town," Lucid said, leading them inside.
"You're sure we can't see the littlest pet shop?" Phoenix asked.
"Oh yeah, like we'd get anything useful from the littlest pet shop, Nicky."
The lawyer shrugged. "Might make a good crossover."
There were no pets in the pet store, having been evacuated already, but the store had not been looted. That would probably change if the city was left in its current state, but for now, it served Dan's purposes. He instructed everyone to carry as much as they could out of the store. Cat litter, dog food, alligator treats, replacement tortoise shells, cages, containers, anything heavy they could move. Dan himself went after specific chemicals- cleaners, removers, things that were either highly toxic, flammable or both.
"Not a bad haul," Dan remarked. "See, Nicky? Biggest pet shop in town."
"It definitely had plenty of variety," Phoenix remarked, setting an aquarium fish tank on top of another. The fish had also been evacuated; every nation in the world of magic and ponies respected and loved pets, and would not leave any behind. There were several cardboard cutouts of Blythe, Pepper and Minka, stars from the Littlest Pet Shop show, but no one in the group recognized them.
Lucid and another donkey wheeled a rail cart up to the side of the pet shop.
"Sorry we have to push it. The power's been shutdown since everybody left."
"Well, here's an idea," Dan said, "The power's shutdown, right?"
"Yeah?"
"The cart won't move without power, right?"
"Yeah?"
"TURN THE POWER BACK ON JACKASS!"
"Yeah! I mean, right! Johnson!" He turned to one of the other donkguards, "Go to the power plant and turn the generators back on!"
"Yes, sir!"
"Take Ronson with you!"
"Yessir!"
Doctor Whooves tapped his chin. "You're being awfully cooperative with us, aren't you?" He examined the yellow donkey with his inquisitive Timelord pony eyes. "One might even say a little TOO cooperative."
Lucid nodded. "This is a royal guard operation. Captain Dan is the ranking officer, isn't he? You are all guards, aren't you?"
"Nicky and I are," Dan was quick to chime in. "Steve and Chris as well. The rest, more or less volunteers. I guess I can deputize them."
"Hmmm-hmmmm," Whooves said. "So, that's all there is to it? Following the chain of command?" Lucid nodded again, a little wide-eyed. "How do I know you're not lying?" the Doctor asked.
"I'd know if they were lying," Phoenix said. "Or if they were hiding anything."
"Is that so, Phoenix Wright?" Whooves asked, accusingly. He spun around and levied his inquisitive gaze upon the lawyer. "And how exactly are you able to do that?"
Before Phoenix could explain, Dan placed his palm between the Doctor and the lawyer. Specifically, he placed it on the Doctor's face. "Doc. Rail cart. Push. Now."
Whooves grinned sheepishly. "I'll take your word for it."
"Good idea." As they pushed the cart away towards the next pet shop, a pair of tiny ears poked out of the entrance to the first one. The hot dog foodimal had apparently made friends; not all the occupants of the town had fully evacuated. More foodimals joined the hot dog as it followed Dan and the others, soon becoming a skittering, prrring crowd of adorables trekking behind them.
Twilight's voice echoed through the chamber. Her chipper, upbeat tones carried through the dark and shadowy stone halls of wherever she was. The half-Dan/half-Vice Grip figure in front of her stared blankly into space, having given up trying to interrupt her. She had asked him to wait a minute while she explained her points- that had been five hours ago. The illusions of her friends had played a card game, gotten bored and were now napping on the floor.
"...and this is why these kinds of moral dilemmas don't work in the first place. If you remember back to where I explained the concept of virtue foundations, you see that each instance only works in the context applied to each original orientation with only variations that challenge the original conclusion being viable in the- ooops. I'm sorry, I ran out of chalk again. Do you have a spare? If not, I can just redraw the original graph and-"
"Dear gawd, will you PLEASE SHUT UP?!!"
"I'm sorry, did you get lost somewhere?" Twilight asked, nothing but genuine care in her voice. "I can go over the graphs again if you want. It's a lot to take in and as I've said already, the lighting is-"
"YES, THE LIGHTING IS POOR. IT'S A DARK, SPOOKY, TOMB IT'S NOT GOING TO HAVE GOOD LIGHTING," the figure said, clapping a hand over her muzzle. The magical charts, graph and chalkboard Twilight had poofed in at the start of her lecture poofed out of existence yet again. Twilight preferred chalk to dry-erase boards. Dry-erase boards tended to produce more waste, despite the lack of chalk, because of all the markers you end up having to use and while they can be more convenient-
"Good fucking shit- you've got the goddamn narrator doing it now!!"
"Doing what?" Doing what?
"Stop, just please, stop..." the figure put his hands to his head. He still held the miniature Sword Spell in one hand. "I'm about to make two of these and try to use them as earplugs."
"Wow, you can talk for longer than I can about... uhh, stuff," the vision of Pinkie said.
Twilight smiled softly. "Thank you. Even if you're not the real Pinkie, it means a lot that you listened."
"We fell asleep when you brought out the second chart there, sugar cube," vision-AJ said.
The figure waved his hand and the six alternate versions of her friends vanished in smoke. He glared at Twilight. Dan and Vice/Rice had very similar voices, both being based on the vocal talents of Curtis Armstrong. Despite that, this combined figure spoke with a more distorted voice, like it was a fusion of Dan and someone else.
"Is there... anything else? Umm, I have a question. If we're done, I mean," Twilight said. The figure continued to glare at her silently. "Where exactly are we, again? And who are you? And why are we here?"
The figure waved its hand again. A door opened down the corridor behind him, opposite the way Twilight came in. White light appeared from it, illuminating the dark chamber. He then disappeared like the visions.
"You're leaving. Get out." The figure's voice said, echoing through the chamber. But the figure didn't seem to be there any more, not in any physical sense that Twilight saw.
"Wait," Twilight said, "You didn't answer my questions-" Suddenly, the white doorway came rushing towards her. She felt her body being pushed down the hallway towards it, as if being carried by an unseen force, a wave of magic.
"I'm through answering your questions, Twilight Sparkle. Good-bye!"
Her horn glowed and she stuck out her hooves. A repulse spell, it unleashed a burst of pure magical energy from the caster's body to dispel any magic in their immediate area. Some unicorns nicknamed such spells 'personal space magic' and the like.
"Hold on," she said, slight pleading in her voice. "Please, just... tell me who you are?"
A burst of fire appeared in front of her. It lit up the entire corridor, even more so than before. It was a fiery pony.
"You don't get it, do you? I had this whole thing laid out but no, you had to go and spoil my fun. I don't exactly have everyone lining up to take these tests in here, do I?!" the pony roared. The flames on his mane nearly touched the ceiling. The fires from his hooves sent cinders scattering on the ground as he approached. This could only be one pony, one pony Twilight only knew from legend.
"I... I've seen you before," Twilight said, backing away. "You were in a book-"
"I am more than anything you could ever read in a book. I am War, Twilight Sparkle. Inevitable, inescapable... and capable of the unthinkable."
Spirit of Conflict, Oppositional Element WAR Pony of the Apocalypse
Twilight backed away, her wings involuntarily up in a defensive posture. "Wow... umm, it's uh, it's very nice to meet you."
He stomped his hoof. "NO! No, it's not NICE to meet me! I'm WAR! I'm the ponsonification of violent, bloody, endless conflict! Fires... burning, ashes! All your family and loved ones reduced to dust and echoes like the husk of Malachor 5, this world reduced to-"
"But that hasn't happened yet," Twilight pointed out. "And... when you say you're War, do you mean ALL wars everywhere? Even the card game, war?"
War stared blankly at her, eyes smoldering white hot. Flames now consumed his entire body, coincidentally making him look like Twilight that one time. "I am the nature of war, the SPIRIT of war and conflict, the embodiment of the bitterness and resentment that becomes hatred and drives men to take each others' lives."
"I see..." Twilight said, nodding. "I don't mean any disrespect to you."
"Thank you."
Obviously she's going to disrespect him now.
"There were these wars a few years ago- the Breakfast Wars?"
War sighed heavily.
"I was just wondering, the final battle? Did you have anything to do with determining the outcome? Because I'll be honest with ya, I was really hoping waffles would win."
The pony calling himself War held the side of his burning temple with one hoof. He shook his head slowly.
The Breakfast Wars were a very long series of conflicts that engulfed all of the Equestrian west, the Griffons, Yakyakistan and Donquestria. Originally beginning as an argument between friends over what to have for breakfast, it soon spread throughout the country as ponies and beings of all kinds fought to answer the burning question: pancakes, waffles or french toast?
"Yeah, I'll just let the narrator answer this one. Big surprise there. Didn't we already do this like five episodes ago?"
"Shhh, she's adding new stuff."
"She?"
"We rotate narrators because Dan sometimes likes to punch them."
The battles raged on for decades with brief periods of peace between fighting. It became so bad that only variety pack cereals were served in Equestria's most popular diners for breakfast, with one of the treaties being that you can have whatever you want for breakfast in your own home. Various breakfast factions would raid and even take over towns and force their preferred items for breakfast on the population. The French Toast faction invaded a town that was famous for serving Belgian Waffles and massacred many innocent ponies with cinnamon and cream(french toast toppings.)
Pony Joe's diner opened towards the end of the war under the condition that donuts were not considered a meal because a single donut was never enough. The final battle occurred between Appleloosa and Ponyville, with the Pancake Coalition winning a decisive victory over the Waffle Confederacy. Despite the fact that waffles could take syrup and butter better than pancakes, pancakes were easier to make and could be produced in larger numbers. The Pancakers also cut power to the Wafflers' waffle irons, without which, they were literally powerless to make waffles.
"No, I had nothing to do with... THAT, whatever it is," War said, waving at the paragraphs just above this one. "You see? This is why I don't like Equestria. You guys don't... you don't do things the way they're supposed to. That's not how you do war."
"Maybe we like it better this way. I mean, it was still a war, War. Many ponies suffered without their favorite breakfasts. No one has to die to suffer. Just look at airports. Or college football games," Twilight said. "They televised the world series of poker and people actually watched it. They watched it like it was a sport, War. Poker isn't a sport; it's just a card game. It doesn't make any sense."
War glared at her but said nothing. "I'm not falling for the goofy, cutesy, down-to-earth jokey act you're putting on here, purple smart."
"In Star Wars: The Last Jedi, at the casino planet, Finn and Rose free all the weird aliens and let them go free but they didn't free the enslaved children. That doesn't make any sense. And people watched this movie."
"I get it."
"People stood in line for that movie."
"Enough," he said, putting his hoof down.
Twilight rubbed her neck. "Yeah, I really have no idea what that last one even is. It's just what Barro wrote on the cards."
"Ah yes, the reporter menacing the planet from orbit. I can tell you about that one- he's a great example of why this world doesn't work," War said.
"Menacing?" Twilight said. Having been imprisoned in this dungeon-tomb, Twilight was unaware of the author's current predicament. "I don't understand."
War nodded, pacing around her. "Oh yes, Equestria has all the answers, doesn't it? Except when it comes to its actual inhabitants. It took Faust long enough but she was able to tame my three sisters but me? Nope. Just lock ole War away under Tartarus, make sure he's never found."
"Sisters?" Twilight ask.
"Famine, pestilence, death, your precious Fausticorn took them out a looooooooong time ago, but me she had a little trouble with. So I didn't get integrated- I got locked in a dungeon!" He folded his hooves. "I could've fought that Breakfast War better."
"So... your sisters were integrated?" Twilight asked. Something cold formed in Twilight's stomach. As if she already knew what he was going to say. "Oh..."
War nodded and sighed. "Famine became fat and fluffy, Pestilence found things even more pestering and Death got so tired of culling she threw down her scythe and started calling herself-"
"The Director," Twilight said, finishing the thought. "So Famine... is Fluffle Puff. Or Fluffle Puff WAS famine. And Pestilence..."
"Also known as Conquest."
"Chrysalis," Twilight whispered.
War looked back at her. "You should feel honored. You were able to get three out of four. But even with me locked up, you could not escape me. War has come to Equestria, Twilight Sparkle, true war. Even now, your world crumbles and shakes until there will be not left but dust and debris floating in the void of space. Your judgement is at hand."
After having looted every pet store in town, plus a greeting card store, a toy store and a Domino's Pizza, Dan was satisfied at their take. They pushed the overladen rail cart full of supplies back towards the main thoroughfare a final time. It was one of several trips they made using the cart and by the time they were done, the pile of supplies towered near the same height as the rooftops.
Dan clapped his hands together. "Coolarooney, so gang, it is now time for me to tell you all of my ingenious plan to defend the town from the army of armored assholes rapidly approaching." They gathered around him, unloaded what ever supplies they were caring and prepared to listen.
Which surprised Dan. "No one's going to say anything beforehand? Okay, that's uh... okay." The man was kind of used to confrontation at any and all moments, so the lack thereof was... unnerving. "Can one of you say something? Please?"
"Something," Phoenix said. (That's right, Nick, keep working on your witty sarcasm and you just might get that sweet spinoff you always wanted.) "Get it? Because he said "say something" and I took it literally."
"Okay, somebody say something else that's not a joke or not a joke that you then immediately murder in the crib. We run jokes into the ground, we run gags until they're exhaustive but we do not immediately kill our own jokes. We don't do that," Dan said.
"You're a horrible leader and no one should take your advice," Chris Redfield said.
Dan nodded. "Thank you, Redfield. No, stop- don't go any further."
"I can keep going."
"Yeah, I know you can okay- defending New Troy, we don't have a lot of options," Dan said. He swept his arms outward at the town. "There's no possible way we can stop them from getting in, so barricades are useless. Our backs are literally to the wall on this one but, we're going to use that to our advantage."
Cap nodded. "We're going to set a trap. Is that it?"
"More-not-less. We're going to set a really, really BIG trap. That's why we looted every pet store in town. Now, everybody, start unloading the stuff."
They did as they were told. Dan instructed them to combine the various items- kitty litter, chemicals and cleaners and dump them all into the aquariums. While they did this, the foodimals began gathering nearby to watch them and their presence did not go unnoticed by the gang.
Doctor Whooves was helping stir one of the mixtures when Captain Lucid edged closer to him. The donkey edged his way over to him and elbowed him in the side.
"Pardon me, Doctor?"
"Yes?"
"I take it Dan's tactics are..." he trailed off, looking at the mixture in front of them. It burbled as Doctor Whooves stirred, a bubble lazily forming and popping in the center of the thick, reddish-brown mix. "Unorthodox?" He grabbed a broken broom handle and helped stir.
"You could say that. You could also say he's a bit insane," Whooves said, pausing for a moment. "But you could also say insanity works for him and it works for us. For now, at least."
Lucid shrugged and nodded slowly. "I know what you mean. I've seen something like that before."
"You mean someone? Someone like Dan?" Whooves asked.
Lucid nodded again, continuing to stir. "What passes for royalty here doesn't do much governing. They figure they can leave the cities to themselves and things will be better for it. Donkey-nature has something of an independent stubborn streak to it, and most folks are just understanding of that. Still, we see 'unorthodox' every now and then."
"Uh huh."
"The guard captain before me, his name was Hallow," he tossed his head over his shoulder, gesturing behind him. "Back before he fell off the wall, we had an idea to take out a raider gang that was starting to get annoying. There's a lot of monsters out there in the Badlands and sometimes that can work to your advantage."
Whooves chuckled. "Don't tell me he tried to tame monsters? I've seen that happen- usually doesn't work out too well in the end."
And Lucid gave a small chuckle back, a grim one. "Not exactly. So, there are some beasts out in the Badlands more dangerous than others. One nasty in particular is called a galorpion."
"Galorpions?" Whooves asked. "Don't they sell those... at pet stores..." he trailed off. Not all of the aquariums they were using were for fish- some were for reptiles like snakes and lizards. Others were for insects, including the one he was now mixing chemicals in.
"Mmm-hmmm," Lucid said, nodding. "They're more or less harmless on their own. But in any great number, they can be very, very dangerous. More than a few stings and it's lethal."
"So I've heard..." Whooves said. Galorpions, as opposed to scorpions, were scorpions with four tails each, each with its own barbed stinger. But the galorpion got its name from the fact that they traveled in large numbers, swarms, especially in the Badlands. Most of the time, they slept underground during the heat of the day and would only come out at nights to drink the night dew of cactus flowers and eat flashfire fly eggs. They also enjoyed playing frisbee and tetherball.
"Well, if you know anything about galorpions, you also know they're very avid music critics," Lucid explained. "They critique wolf songs, the rainray and skywhale songs and even the howling wind."
"I see. They must've left that out in the uh, arachnid information directory," Whooves said.
"If there's one thing a galorpion swarm hates, it's Smash Mouth."
And that made Doctor Whooves stop and look up. "I'm sorry- what?" he asked, extra-Britishly.
Lucid nodded. "It's true. They hate overly-used music, especially movie soundtracks or trailer music. Anything that's been done to death, really. All-Star, Born to be Wild, that one song by Hall and Oates, galorpions can't stand bad music or jokes that have been done to death."
"They must not like this story very much, then."
"Probably not. But Captain Hallow had an idea to use them against a group of raiders that were being particularly irritating one fine evening," Lucid explained. "So, he orders us to attack their camp and then he starts blasting Gwen Stefani from a boombox he's brought with him. And the galorpions all came out to attack it."
"And they attack the camp in the process," Whooves surmised. "But what went wrong with his attack?"
"Nothing," Lucid said. "He just hadn't told us about it. Mentioned we'd be getting some 'reinforcements' but nothing else. So when the first galorpions showed up, we didn't really notice how bad it was. Until it was too late. Captain Hallow was already far away by the time this was going on. Not sure if he wanted us to die, if he was crazy or if he wanted some kind of promotion."
Whooves swallowed a bit. "How... how did you survive? Did any of the guards survive."
"Heh," Lucid chuckled again, grimly. "None of the guards survived."
Whooves looked around at the other donkeys. They were all helping stir the fluids. "But... but you're here. You obviously survived."
"Yep. I did."
It begged the question, but Whooves was forced to give it voice. "....howwwwwwwww?"
"Locked myself in a trunk and kept quiet. When I got out, well..." he looked up at Doctor Whooves, "I was the only one left alive. Didn't have any place to go, so I put on one of the guard uniforms and headed back to New Troy. Used the security card to get in." He got up and started walking away.
"We all do what we have to do, Doctor Whooves. Just in different ways. We all have our methods, doctor," he looked back at him one last time. "Some are more unorthodox than others." The broom handle slowly sank into the mixture. Doctor Whooves found his hooves were shaking for some reason.
While the Doctor was contemplating the ramifications of Lucid's story, Dan was busy being talked to by Rarity. No, I said he's being talked TO by Rarity. The white unicorn's skill with magic allowed her to churn while doing other things, such as holding a conversation. A one-sided conversation.
"So, as I was saying, there's something I was thinking you could help me with."
"I doubt it."
"You see, there's something that's troubled me about humans," Rarity said.
To which Dan replied, "Get. In. Line." He was sitting on a pet carrier. Some of the foodimals were inside, prring. No, not purring, prring. I have no idea what it means, but apparently there's a difference.
"Anyway, there's a problem and I thought that perhaps you or Phoenix might be able to help."
"Someone say my name?" Phoenix said, walking over. "Dan, you still haven't told us what we're supposed to be making here. And I'm pretty sure there's going to be about four or five different versions of it when it's done."
"Ah, I'm glad you asked, Nicky," Dan said. He held up a soup ladle he'd been using to stir with.
"Was the end of that melted before you started stirring with it?"
"This is my grandmother's very own recipe. For napalm," Dan said with a little bit of pride in his voice.
"Napalm? This crap we're making is napalm?!"
Dan nodded. "Eeyup. So don't, you know, be anywhere near any open flames with this stuff. Made it the old-fashioned way just like my grandma used to make at home on the front porch. She'd sit for hours and talk about burning commies alive with her homemade napalm, how she would've cleansed the whole country with it if she had been allowed to fly to the north."
"North Vietnam?"
"No, North Dakota. There were a lot of communists in Bismarck before my grandmother took care of them. Of course, then the survivors moved to Oregon," Dan said with a snarl.
Rarity and Phoenix stared at him for a few seconds before saying, "Rrrrrright. Well, Phoenix? I have a bit of a problem and I was thinking you and perhaps Dan might be able to help."
"What can I do for you?"
"Well," Rarity turned to him, "you know how humans have hair? On your heads?"
Phoenix slicked his well-styled black hair back. "I have noticed that, yes."
"Why is it just called... hair?"
Dan stopped stirring. Phoenix and Dan looked to her. "Come again?"
Rarity brushed the tasseled curls of her own purple mane. "Well, this is my mane. See? It's hair on my head. I call it my mane because it's on my head."
"Yeah, I know, so basically, you're asking why humans don't call the hair on their head a mane?" Phoenix asked.
"YESSS!" Rarity exclaimed. "It's quite frustrating! I mean, hair is a big thing to consider especially with dresses and the right accessories but really darling, it's more than just hair. You have a beard, and it's a beard, you don't just call it hair," Rarity further explained. "So why don't you call it a mane? It would make PERFECT sense to do so, truly."
Dan shrugged. "That's not really something I can help with. I mean, if you need me to get revenge on humanity, specific parts of humanity, I do requests. But what people call their own stuff is their own business, and that includes hair. Wherever it is."
The fashionista pouted. "But it's so annoying. You're certain you and Phoenix couldn't maybe, start a trend? I can style your manes for you myself. I'll even throw in clothes."
Phoenix patted her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Rarity, but I think that one might be a lost cause." He and Dan picked up one of the aquariums full of 'homemade napalm' and crated it to the center of the street.
"Well, people may see things differently when Earth's first Carousel Boutique opens."
"They're approaching rapidly from the south-west," Tuxley said. He peered through the scope of his rifle at the reddish-brown sand cloud in the distance.
"Say they'll breach the perimeter in about... four minutes?" Reginald asked, more of a statement than a question. The crystal butler observed them through his own hunting rifle. Both of their weapons were geared more for sport rather than warfare, and as such didn't have as much range as a sniper rifle. Fortunately, Chris Redfield was more than willing to fill in that role.
They were on top of the wall, just above and on the eastern side of the east gate. Far below them, the city was arrayed out like a half-circle, stretching just further than the eye could see out into the distance. None of them really knew it, but from high above, the city of New Troy and the wall that protected it resembled a setting sun from space. The railroad lines that extended out from the city looked like the rays of the sun, as if it had been drawn by someone from high above.
Because it had.
"Remember to aim for the units in the back," Redfield reminded them. "They're likely to rush for cover the moment they realize we're picking them off, so let's get as many as we can before then."
The gentry pair lowered their weapons to toss a knowing glance Redfield's way. "This isn't our first shootout, Master Chris."
He looked right back at them. A tyrannosaurus rex and a sparkling horse butler. "Not exactly a first for me, either, but... whatever gets the job done."
Dan exited the roof access door, exhausted. "I... hate... stairs...," he said, between exhausted pants. "Why... why couldn't you have... installed an... elevator on this thing?! ANYWHERE NEAR HERE?!!"
"We HAVE an elevator but there's still no power to it," Lucid said. "Johnson and Ronson are overdue for their check-in. They must be having trouble at the power plant."
"That's not a good sign," Phoenix said. He looked back towards the city. "Should we send someone to check on them?"
"No, no no no no no, I'm NOT going back down and then back up those stairs again," Dan declared.
"But if you got the power plant working-"
"And with that big, shiny army approaching, we're not risking anybody being separated right now. No, hunker down and prepare to do exactly what Dan says," said Dan.
Painstakingly, Dan had instructed the troops to set up his volatile mixture both at the base of the wall and on the very top, dividing up the load. He had not told anyone exactly what he was planning on doing with his 'homemade' napalm, but the humans and ponies knew Dan enough to just go along with whatever he has attempting. The donkeys, however, were a bit more concerned.
"Has Dan done this before?" Lucid asked Captain America. "Defended a city from invasion? Protected a castle, guarded a structure?"
"Well-"
"Guarded a bank? Prevented a robbery? Stopped kids from walking on the grass at a park?"
"Actually, that last one, he IS pretty adept at," Rogers said. "From what I've seen anyway. But if you're asking has Dan stopped an invasion force before, then yes. At least three times."
Technically five times. Once against the griffons, the zebras, the sea ponies and Vice Grip's forces at least twice, not counting Christmas and when the Enclave destroyed Cloudsdale.
"Oh, good," Lucid said, somewhat relieved. And Cap noticed that. Which prompted him to add:
"He did destroy Ponyville. And Canterlot. And Cloudsdale." The first mentioning of Dan destroying Ponyville turned Lucid's smile into a frown, then each new addition deepened said frown. Confidence for the yellow donkey hit rock-bottom when Cap concluded with, "All at the same time."
A couple of the other donkeys picked up on that. "He destroyed... three entire cities?"
"All at the same time?"
Captain America chuckled somewhere between nervously and bashfully. "Well, it's not as bad as it sounds but I mean, uh, well, I was there and I can tell you-"
"Were you being attacked by three different armies or something?" Lucid pressed.
"Well... no," Cap said. His hand instinctively reached up behind him to rub his neck.
"One big army?"
"It was one... guy."
"ONE GUY?!" The donkeys encircled him.
Cap waved his hands defensively. "Hey, I know it sounds bad but really, Vice Grip is bad news. One guy can cause a lot of problems for people- trust me on that one. I've been that guy."
Lucid shook his head wearily. "I guess it can happen. It just seems hard to believe you'd still follow someone after he accidentally destroys three whole cities."
A large, dry lump of guilt formed in Cap's throat. And he swallowed it. "It, uh... it wasn't an accident." The donkeys practically turned on their heels, eyes wide, accusing him once more. "Dan destroyed Equestria to... keep it from falling into enemy hands. That makes sense, right?"
"No."
"Would it help if I said Princess Twilight and Princess Cadence all went along with it at the time?"
"No."
"Alright then, I'm just gonna stop talking," Cap said, rubbing his neck again.
Lucid walked up to him. "Captain, I just have one question: do you think Dan might destroy my city while trying to defend it?"
"Uhhhhh..." He looked back and forth between Dan and Lucid. The human merrily mixed two different chemicals into a decorative urn, one labeled "HIGH EXPLOSIVE" and the other "TOXIC CHEMICAL." He looked up at Steve.
"Hey Stevie, you wanna toss me that random box that says "FLAMMABLE?" Dan asked.
"We're screwed," Lucid said.
Steve turned to him. "I promise you we will build you a new city."
"It's next to that other random box full of radioactive waste," Dan continued.
"It may have to be in a new place," Cap finished.
"Will it be a far enough place, I wonder?" Lucid said, leaving Cap with that final question as he walked off.
"Gentlemen!" Tuxley announced. "And Lady," he added for Rarity, "they've arrived!"
"Open fire!" Dan shouted. And with a huge grin, he added, "And stand back while I open a crate of THIS!" He cracked open the first tank full of napalm as Vice Grip's army reached the city limits. The invaders had arrived and the battle for New Troy had begun.
Unit J-2997 checked his scanner. New Troy had been evacuated but there were still a few life readings in the city- the gate guards, obviously. They wouldn't be a problem. Hopefully, the city still had some supplies and maybe even munitions left while they waited for resupply from Lord Rice. The siege on Bursavis had taken a heavy toll on his forces.
The dog ordered his forces to advance on the city cautiously. Traps were likely, but he knew his fellow canines were still reeling from the sting of defeat. The donkeys at the Bursavis prison complex had repelled his assault, prompting Rice to order Barro to blast the prison from orbit. Despite this, the donkeys had continued fighting, the prison intact even though heavily damaged. The prison guards fought with such surprising ferocity that Unit J-2997 had been forced to retreat after losing the last of his siege weapons.
Their entire army was weary. The setting sun was an unwelcome annoyance on his neck. He was aching, they all were, and he was about ready to order his men to sack the closest inn to repurpose it as a barracks. Unit J-2997 was not the original leader of this detachment of Lord Rice's army. That honor had gone to Unit G-1000, or Carla as she liked to be called, until her service had been ended by a mortar round. Unit J-2997, or Jason, as he was thinking of calling himself now, had taken over and ordered the retreat shortly after that.
He wasn't as cautious as his superiors, one of the reasons he hadn't been chosen for command initially. Still, he was pretty good at leading his fellow dogs, knowing them and what they would do, what they could do. Maybe, if Carla was still leading or one of the others, they would have been more cautious, more careful about allowing his troops to disperse so quickly into town. Maybe they would have been more hesitant, a little more wary of all the open spaces, of the rapid disassembly of ranks. Maybe one of them would have known to watch out for snipers. Maybe.
Unit J-2997 never saw, heard, and only barely felt the shot that went right through his head. The last thing he felt was the itchy irritation of the sun on his neck, and after that, he never felt anything again.
"Good shooting, sir."
"Thank you, Reginald. That one next to him- can you get that one? Thank you, Reginald."
"Of course, sir." The two gentries continued firing at the various dog soldiers, sniping one after the other along with Chris. Redfield took the bulk of the confirmed hits between the trio, but it was all in good sport, so they didn't really keep track.
"Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd here they come," Dan said. "Like ants to the slaughter."
"Well, they're coming to slaughter US, specifically, Dan," Phoenix pointed out. "I take it now is the time we need to start launching your 'homemade napalm' at them?"
Dan shook his head, a smug grin on his face. "We won't be launching anything today, Nicky."
"So why did you have us make this terrible concoction of yours, hmmm?" Doctor Whooves demanded. A stern look from both Dan and Phoenix reminded him to calm himself. "Obviously you must have a plan in place. Yes, yes, we went over it, but you DID leave out the specifics so...?"
Dan's smile had not diminished. "Watch and learn, doco. Watch and learn." He unbuckled his pants.
"Oh gawd," said Phoenix.
"Not again," said Cap.
"OH YES AGAIN," announced Dan, as he positioned himself just so and bent over the side of the wall. "GET A LOAD OF THIS, PUPPIES! FIRST ONE HERE GETS TO GIVE IT A GREAT BIG KISS!!"
Once again, Dan exposed his backside to an evil, tyrannical, high-technical army and dared them to attack. Naturally, they did, and would have done so even if he hadn't given them the dangling ham. With the snipers still firing at them, they would have already attacked the wall, but with Dan literally shouting and mooning them, they abandoned cover and charged at headlong at his taunts. And right into more sniper fire.
Dogs were easily agitated. They were easily annoyed, as Rarity could attest. And Rice's metal hounds, despite better-equipped and disciplined than the average mutt, were not above giving into their baser instincts.
"YES, YES, TAKE IT ALL IN! I CAN BEAT YOU ALL WITH MY PANTS DOWN, HAHAHAHA!" None of this was unexpected. Neither Dan nor anyone else was surprised by this, except maybe the dogs who were racing each other and gunfire to be the first to soot Dan in the ass. But what came next was very unexpected.
Phoenix grinned. "How about two for one?" And the lawyer pulled down his pants.
"No," said Doctor Whooves.
"YES!!" exclaimed Dan.
"I think it's about time I... turned the other cheek!!" And Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney, exposed his behind to the evil invaders down below, right next to Dan.
"This... this has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen in my entire life. It would be as if Churchill pulled down his trousers and told Britain to moon the bombers during the blitz," Doctor Whooves said.
Cap took a moment, then shrugged. "You know, he probably wouldn't have really been serious, but thinking about it... that's a pretty Churchill-style thing to do."
The Doctor spun to him. "And how exactly would you know that?"
"I met Winston Churchill. During World War 2."
"Right, right, I realize I just answered my own question again, thank you."
"Yeah but can I ask you something, doctor?" Steve asked, a grin of his own forming on his face.
"What is it?"
"Would you mind holding my belt?"
"I'm beginning to hate humanity."
Three moons over New Troy, one might have called it.
"Make that four," Redfield announced. "Don't mind if I butt in."
Four moons over New Troy, one might have called it. The four men laughed, joked, hooted and hollered as the dogs came ever closer. Some fired at them, with no hope of hitting them from down below. With the stretch of New Troy being so large, it was quite a while before they finally made it to the wall itself. But of course, with the dogs' own advanced hearing and vision from their high-tech helmets, they were able to see all of Dan, too much of Dan, too much of all four humans before they made it halfway through the city.
"Is this some sort of strange human custom?" Lucid asked.
Doctor Whooves started shaking his head but then said, "Yes, Lucid. Yes it is."
"HaHAHA! HAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHA!" Dan laughed like mad. "I wanna see the looks on their faces! OH dear gawd I hope somebody's recording this, because THIS moment is a good one, THIS IS- Oh crap." Dan fell off the wall. "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" but stopped quickly.
The human rose back up and stopped screaming. "AAAAaaaa-I knew you were going to do that."
"Please put your pants back on, Dan," Rarity said. "You've made your point." The other humans, all three a tad red in the face for more than one reason, re-affixed their lower garments.
Still in midair, Dan folded his arms. "This is all a careful part of my strategy, Rarity. If I need to go pantless, I will."
Rarity dropped him immediately.
"AGH!"
"Fine. Don't expect me to pick you up again if you're not... fully-clothed," she said.
"You know you would," Dan said. She rolled her eyes.
Meanwhile, the dogs had reached the gate. A few grappling hooks managed to latch on to the top of the wall.
"Gentlemen, it is time for the next phase of my brilliant plan. Make sure your belts are fastened because we're releasing the napalm!"
Rice walked on the moon, the dusty, sandy particles of its surface lightly crunching beneath his boots. His hands were locked behind him and his eyes were firmly locked on a point just low and in front of him. The cold and incessant crunching of the lunar landscape helped focus his thoughts; they concentrated him like the methodical rhythm of machinery. He inhaled slow and deep through his nostrils, thoughts coalescing with each breath.
There was no oxygen on the moon, nor was there sound for his ears to hear in space. Yet he heard and breathed, without a spacesuit or any aid. Magic was the component he had been missing, the simple wand-waving 'it now works' simplicity of the solution not making sense. Things worked because they did, because that was how the Fausticorn had intended them. Or rather, how she didn't intend them at all.
Magic was just a space-filler, both figuratively and literally, for things that weren't there or that were to be added at a later point. That's what Rice had discovered; the Fausticorn had left Equestria in an unfinished state and the magic she used to create it was still present, like unused paint left on a pallet. And one day, it would run out and Equestria would be no different from its now-defunct previous sister iterations until the Director's power erased it. Or so he had been told.
He crossed from the dark side of the moon into the lit side, the cold being replaced with the light warmth of the sun. Light reflected off his gauntlets and boots and would have been blinding to him if he weren't specifically keeping them out of his view. He turned his gaze upward and that was the first time he saw it: Earth.
Not Equestria, but Earth. Dan's Earth.
The planet looked deceptively similar to Equestria. Clouds lightly wrapped around the upper and lower hemispheres living a gap in the center. The eastern part of North America was in full view; he would be over California, Dan's homeland, soon enough.
Rice had to thank Dan for one thing: Dan had exposed his lies. Not the lies he had told them, but rather the ones he had been telling himself. Rice did want revenge. Revenge on the world that was so specifically ordained, so perfected and yet had taken his son away from him. Earth didn't have the meddling of living deities, at least not those he had seen. It was fair to people. To him, it was everything Equestria could have been, but wasn't.
He used to find that fairness admirable. Now, he would see it destroyed. That would make him feel better, feel something since his son's death. A point to all the coldness and suffering, a chance for him to finally move on. He believed that, anyway. Dan had shown him that revenge was viable, revenge was the future, the only way to reconcile the past.
It had to be the truth. It was the only way to get over the pain. Wasn't it?
"I used to think I wanted you to see," Rice said, a voice that shouldn't have been able to be heard in a vacuum. "I thought I wanted you to understand. But now, I know there is no understanding between us. There's only your world and the one you took away from me. Now... I just want you to watch."
The communicator buzzed on his left gauntlet. He toggled it on.
"What is it?"
"Master Rice, our troops on the ground are facing formidable resistance. They're requesting reinforcements, resupply and a rethinking of their entire purpose for being there. Their words, not mine."
Rice sighed. He was enjoying fantasizing about Earth slowly melting and fracturing while Celestia, Luna and possibly the Fausticorn watched. And it wasn't Equestria, so the King and Queen wouldn't care- not that they cared about much anything at all.
"Have Barro vaporize whatever it is they're complaining about. And maybe them when he's done," Rice ordered.
There was static before Mezzer, one of his lieutenants, came back again. "Orbital support has been thus far ineffective, sire. Dan's tactics-"
"Dan?!" his head whipped towards the communicator frantically. "Dan has been contained, what do you- oh, is someone using Dan's airheaded strategies? Another of his backup plans?"
"N-no, my lord."
Rice felt the blood beneath his coat prickle. "Is there someone else named Dan we don't know about?"
"N...not in this story, milord."
"Heh... heheheh, well, I know you can't be talking about DAN Dan. That Dan has been contained. Along with all the others," Rice said, smiling in a very unstable manner. The kind of grin you'd want to back away from. "Right?"
Rice instantly teleported into the command center, ripped Mezzer from where he was standing, ripped the door to the containment vault right off its hinges and did not stop screaming and tearing things in his way apart until he reached the cell where Dan was. Where he was SUPPOSED to be.
"Sire..." Mezzer risked piping up, "perhaps the question you mean is, how?"
"No," Rice turned to him. He grinned maliciously. "Because HOW is something you ask AFTER something has JUST happened. I'm asking WHY... as in WHY did you not tell he escaped in the first place?!"
"I... sir..."
"You never captured him."
Rice spun around. Michael Hay was standing right in front of him, as if waiting to ask him something. "How... did you... get out?"
Michael pointed behind him. "You just ripped off like, half the doors in the Stable storming through here."
"Ah. Yes, that would explain that. Thank you." Rice nodded and then, for a moment, it seemed like everything was going to be okay. And then he snapped his metallic fingers and Michael disappeared. Don't worry, though; he's just back in his cell. Another snap ensured he was locked in again. Rice had to keep Michael alive if he wanted to keep Barro under control.
He turned back around to the space where Dan was supposed to be. All the other ponies were statues encased in crystal. Preserved, as much as could be, not because the Director cherished them but because Rice needed them for his experiments, though that wouldn't be for much longer. Yet Dan was not among them. Even as the others had been perfectly processed, from the treacherous Lightning Claw to Chrysalis and even the pink furry one, Dan had not been teleported three months ago when Rice abducted the others. Why?
"Is Dan immune to magic, somehow?" Rice asked. "If so, he may be more dangerous than we realized. Where is he now?"
Mezzer, cowering by one of the statues, stepped forward. "Donquestria, s-sir. At the gates of the New Troy. Shall I order Barro to commence bombardment?"
He stared at the empty space where Dan's statue should have been. "Yes. But first, get a monitor to the primary holding cell."
"Yeah, even I have to say this is kind-of a bad idea," Phoenix Wright added. He looked out the window again. (Was that how I looked when I was sad about Mia?) "He's still out there."
"He doesn't have anywhere else to be?! I thought he had a job," Dan said, also peering between the curtains.
"Maybe it's his day off," Phoenix offered.
Dan growled. "He's got friends, he's got places to be he's got... OTHER things to do than sit on the lawn and stare at the friggin' sky!" He looked over at the steampunk-looking console next to the door. "I could solve this problem with the flip of a switch..."
Chrys grabbed him by the shoulders. "We're not turning the security system on Barro," she said. She gently turned him around. "Look, just... go out and talk to him. He's feeling down about... losing his dad."
"I know that feeling," Phoenix said. "I've felt it, I've seen it in others. It's never easy."
Dan rolled his eyes. "I... guess. What do you want me to say? 'I'm sorry your dad died, please fuck off?"
"In NICER words... and he doesn't have to, well, leave. The library's open for everyone," Chrys said.
"Alright, fine. But you both owe me for this," he said as he walked out the door.
Chrys grinned. "Oh, don't worry; I intend to make it up to you enough for the both of us."
"Thanks for that."
"You're welcome to join in any time, Nick~"
"Well, I- wait, what?"
Outside, Barro had been sitting in the shade of the Golden Oaks Library for the past twenty minutes. He looked up at the clouds, watching as they slowly rolled through the blue of Equestria's sky. Weekends were usually assigned as maintenance days for Cloudsdale; the weather was left to form and flow wildly. Apart from a few patrols that monitored for rogue storms, the skies were clear aside from the occasional airship.
Barro let out a short sigh. "What do you want, Dan?"
"Heyyyy... homey. What's it hanging or... whatever. What are you doing here?"
Barro cast a slight glare at Dan. "What does it look like I'm doing, Dan? I'm not doing anything."
"That's, uhhh... that's great, great. Uhhh," he rubbed the back of his neck, "so would you mind maybe doing it elsewhere? Preferably where we didn't have to look at it?"
The stallion got up. "Fine, Dan. I won't bother you any more." He began walking away.
"Well, that was easy. Even I can surprise myself sometimes-" he started to turn back to the library, and saw the faces of Chrys and Phoenix Wright in the window. Both cast knowing looks at him. That, coupled with the feeling in his stomach, prompted him to do what he knew was right. He turned back to Barro.
"Hey, Barro, wait a minute." The white earth pony turned to Dan but said nothing. "So, uhh... okay. Um, you're sad about your dad, right?"
"Yes, Dan," Barro answered. "That's usually how people get when their loved ones die."
Dan stepped closer. "Well, umm..." he searched for the right thing to say. "I'm sorry. About your dad. I'm sorry you're uh... going through this stuff. Okay?"
Barro just looked back at him, nodded once. "Okay, Dan."
"I... I mean," Dan huffed. "I know it's hard. And I know everybody else has already talked to you. And they're right, uhh, mostly. I think. About the stuff they said. This shit just, you know, happens. We all go through it, you know? And we get over it. You can get over this, too, probably. I mean, uh..."
"You're not very good at this, are you?"
"Wooo, no, no I am not. But I'm trying, okay? So maybe you could go a little easy on me- at least I AM making the effort," Dan said, not hiding the frustration in his voice.
Barro sighed again, then nodded. "I... yeah, I understand. You are making an effort and I appreciate it. Thank you, Dan."
"Yeah, you're welcome," he said, not really sure what to think. Barro started to walk away again. And for some reason, Dan stopped him. "Hey, uhh..."
"Yes?"
"Why were you just staring up at the clouds? It's maintenance day for Cloudsdale, anyway."
"I know," Barro said. "Dad and I... we used to look up at the clouds. You know, see shapes and things in them and whatnot."
"Oh... yeah, yeah, I get it." Dan was getting somewhere and he knew it. "I used to do that with my alphabet soup. Or maybe that was Chris..."
"Dad and used to make out all sorts of shapes in the clouds. Characters from cartoons, video games, movies. Disney stuff like the old Goofy cartoons or Looney Toons. Super Mario, Yoshi... stuff we shared together," a single tear glistened in the corner of his eye. "I haven't been able to make out anything since he died."
Dan was quiet for a while. "You and your dad were close, huh?"
Barro nodded more firmly this time. "Very close."
"I never really had that with my parents. I mean, I wanted it. I guess I kind-of had that with my father but uh... not really like this," Dan said. "I don't know why... they never really had time for me. Either of them. Dad at least tried but mom, she was never there. Ever. Even when I needed it." He looked away.
"I know," Barro said. "I'm sorry about that."
"Yeah... thanks. Hey, you know, at least we've both got friends."
"Yeah, we do."
Dan shifted for a moment, rubbed his neck again. "And you know... you ever need to come by, or... just want to hang out or something. Well... you know where we are."
Barro smiled. "Thanks, Dan."
"Just don't do it on the lawn. It messes with the targeting array on the security system. Okay?"
"Yeah Dan, okay. See you later."
"Later." The two parted ways. Barro headed down the street and Dan back into the library.
Chrys and Phoenix were sitting on the couch when he walked back in.
"That was very nice what you did, Dan," Chrys said.
"Were you both listening in?"
"We didn't have to," Phoenix said. "You were gone for that long and you weren't yelling, so we figured things were working out."
"Ah. Uh huh. Well, you both still owe me."
Chrys hopped up from the couch. "Then let's get started on that right away. I'll be in the bedroom~"
Dan grinned. "I'll get the oven mitts."
"I'll let you two have fun," Phoenix said. (Reminder: get new oven mitts.)
Both Dan and Chrys whisked away to the bedroom where time in the Fun Cave awaited. They were in their for most of the day.
The next day, Barro had the day off again, but didn't really know how to spend it. He decided against going back to the library so early, however. Better to give Dan a day off, too.
"Hey, hey Barro!" Michael waved him over from their front door. "You gotta come see this!"
Curious and still waking up, Barro made his way to the doorway. "Look!" Michael said.
The sky above Ponyville was filled with shapes, figures and characters from cartoons, movies and games. A few from Star Wars, Super Mario, the classic Disney and Warner Bros. cartoons, every single cloud was specially made into a character. They stretched as far as the eye could see.
"What in the.... ohh... wow," Barro said, "Wow!!" He almost didn't want to blink. There were even pegasi that made some of the shapes move. A large Yoshi waved at them high above. It brought tears to Barro's eyes.
"This is something, huh? I wonder who arranged for all of this."
Barro nodded. "Probably just some jerk... some jerk trying to impress someone." Impressed he was.
Back at the Golden Oaks Library, Dan peered out the curtains up at the clouds. Satisfied that everything looked good, he nodded to himself and left the window. He returned to the couch, sat down and turned on the t.v.
Chrys was sitting next to him. "That was a mighty nice thing you did, Dan."
"Eeyup."
"So how much did Twilight pay you to set all that up?"
"Two-hundred and fifty bits," Dan said, smiling.
"Uh huh," Chrys nodded. "And you didn't take the money, did you?"
"No, I didn't," Dan admitted. "I took twenty bits for lunch and to tip the pegasi."
"Mmm-hmm," Chrys nodded again. "Mighty nice thing you did."
"Yeah, well... you tell anybody and I will deny every word of it."
"Oh, I'm not telling anybody- I'm telling everybody."
"Chrys," Dan raised his voice, "I'm serious."
"So am I," she grinned.
"Don't make me have you owe me again."
"Oh, that's alright," she said, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Phoenix got new oven mitts." And he would end up getting yet another new pair of oven mitts later that day.
The following chapter has been modified to be COPPA compliant. This story is not sponsored by anyone or anything except maybe Barro. Even if he currently is trying to destroy the story's world from within the story. This story supports a free and independent Hong Kong. For that reason, it may not be available in China.
No dogs were harmed in the writing of this fanfic.
They lined up the aquarium tanks on the edge of the wall.
"Dump it! Dump it now! Dump it all!" Dan shouted. And they poured.
The first dog didn't notice as the droplets hit, but each drip of the substance that touched his armor began to burn. Trails of tiny smoke came from his armor as the acidic substance melted its way through the armor. It didn't have time to reach their skin before the rest of it came down in a sloppy mass.
"Aaaaah!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"
As the first few dogs fell, they hit others on their way down. Screaming, the chrome-armored canine troopers tumbled off the wall and smacked into the dirt below... only to be covered by more of Dan's "homemade napalm."
"Dan's GRANNY'S homemade Napalm."
Yes, Dan's GRANDMOTHER'S homemade napalm. The dogs writhed in the substance and threw off their armor, what they could of it, yelping and whimpering in pain. More and more dogs fell from the wall and landed in the rapidly growing, messy heap. The screams grew louder. The few that could crawled away, or limped. Despite the massive fall, the dogs were resilient, more so than donkeys, ponies and humans. Not enough to fight after limping away, though, for which Dan was thankful.
"It's melting through their armor," Doctor Whooves said. "But it doesn't melt the pet aquarium glass. Or the frame."
"Doctor, please- we need your help pouring this. We can contemplate the implausibility of the physics later." (Don't think about it, Phoenix. Don't think about it.)
"Hahaha! Look at them. Yes, cronies! Squirm! SQUIIRRRRRRRRMMM!!" Dan yelled, practically foaming at the mouth as he watched his foes suffer. "Ah, if my grandmother could see this now, she'd probably only be mildly disappointed."
"That was the last of the, uh, napalm, Dan," Captain America said. He wiped his hands thoroughly with a rag and looked a little bit self-conscious as he checked himself over. Turned out Steve Rogers was a bit of a neat-freak and just a touch on the germaphobic side. Still, the fact he was able to mix, move and pour Dan's acidic sludge was testament to his bravery.
"Good work, Stevie."
"Dan dearie, they're still coming," Rarity said. Although there was a large pile of filth-covered dogs blocking the gates now, dozens more dog soldiers were vaulting over the rooftops and climbing up the wall further down.
Dan looked over the side of the wall. The remaining dogs were beginning their ascent vigorously, perhaps motivated by revenge. He made a mental note of that. One of the dogs reached his level.
"ALLLRRRRAAGH!" He snarled at Dan. And Dan pushed him off the wall. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH*wumph*"
"I could just keep doing this until I get a Wilhelm Scream but, I actually don't have all day." He grabbed one of the empty aquariums and tossed it over the side. A Wilhelm Scream followed as it took out a dog. "Huh, didn't have to wait long for that. Alright people, start grabbing stuff and knocking them down. Whatever you can chuck will do."
"Dan?" Phoenix called out, "What happened to the next phase of the plan?"
"Oh. Right, Nicky. Does anybody have a match?" Chris tossed Dan a pistol, which Dan dropped but luckily the safety was on. "Thanks Chris, this'll do."
Dan kicked open the door to the stairwell. A few of the foodimals were knocked out of the way and their rubbery bodies bounced around a bit before righting themselves. Down at the bottom of the stairwell was the rest of the napalm mixture... with a trail of it leading all the way to the top.
"This is for you, granny," Dan said, at shot the napalm trail. It immediately caught fire and burned brightly, acting like a fuse of sorts. The flames raced down the stairwell until they finally reached the stockpile of reserve napalm on the first flight of steps. It ignited the motherload just as the first dogs broke through the stairwell and started making their way up.
*boooom* Only to be met by exploding goop. The wall shook with the force of the blast, reverberating all the way to the top. The shockwaves were so strong they dislodged a few of the climbing dogs, allowing Captain America's shield and Chris, Tuxley and Reginald's rifles to do the rest.
"Holy shit, Dan!" Phoenix exclaimed. And he wasn't the only one.
"This stuff is flammable?!" Doctor Whooves went. "This stuff is explosive?!" Captain America added. "This stuff is easy to make at home with just six common household ingredients," Dan beamed. "Pet aquariums not included."
"I still have no idea how you did this," Doctor Whooves said.
"Wellllll..." Dan said, shrugging, "it's not USUALLY flammable. Or explosive. But I added an extra ingredient."
"And what is that, exactly? Gasoline? Nitroglycerin?"
Dan pulled out a small familiar bottle- the pink magic solution. "I'm beginning to understand how this stuff works. Used a tad bit of it in each container."
"The pink stuff," Phoenix remarked. "You actually used some of the bottle we got from the gift shop?"
Dan nodded. "It's like a magical spell. I think. You think of what you want and then add a few drops, boom. Uh, literally, in the event you want it to explode. I just thought to myself, 'wouldn't it be great if granny's napalm was explosive, too?' And this batch was."
"The zebras have stuff like that. Their potions- they do that," Lucid said. "Except they usually have to drink the potion."
"This is the opposite," Dan explained. "You pour it on something and it does what you want."
Tuxley, Reginald and Chris approached them. "Would it possibly work on something more... personal?"
"Well, that depends. What have you got?"
Reginald lifted the hat of his friend's head and into his small-ish arms. A bit reluctantly, Tuxley turned over his top hat in his claws.
"An unfortunate casualty of battle, I'm afraid," Tuxley said, lip quivering only slightly. "Dash it all, I should've been more careful. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE CAREFUL!" His claws gripped the brim of the hat tightly.
"There there, sir. War does take the very best from us," Reginald said, patting him on the back.
Tuxley nodded. "Indeed, Reginald. War- what is it good for?"
"Absolutely nothing, sir."
Down below, the remaining dogs beat a hasty retreat. Or rather, the few that could ran scared, others shambled or crawled away while the vast majority lay motionless. Even if they were blocking the road now in a massive, goopy mess, they were in no condition to fight. Which suited Dan and the others just fine.
"And once again, my awesome planning and ingenuity has saved another completely defenseless nation from total and utter destruction," Dan proclaimed... modestly. Modest for him, anyway. "Yes, that's Dan, for you- the savior of the innocent and downtrodden, uplifter of all, grand thwarter of the-" Okay nevermind about him being modest. At this point, he's not even being honest.
And while that as well suited Dan just fine, it didn't suit the donkeys very well at all, particularly Lucid. The blue-maned yellow donkey grabbed Dan by the shoulders, flipped him around and pressed him to the edge of the wall.
"WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE YOU THINKING?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!"
"Hey man- I just saved all your asses- it more ways than one, so you can-"
"RRRRRGGH!" The donkey lifted Dan up, carried him to the other side of the wall and propped him over the edge face-down. "Do you know how bad this looks?"
Dan shrugged. "Well, it is YOUR country and I wasn't really gonna say anything, but it since you brought it up, yeah, New Troy is kind-of crappy-looking. It's like a slightly bigger Appleloosa with a wall and more railroads."
"That's NOT what I meant," Lucid said through gritted teeth.
"I could offer you some tips to make it more tourist-friendly."
"That's the Badlands, Dan. Not the GOOD-lands. The BADlands. We call them that for a reason. Every square meter beyond this wall is treacherous, dangerous, terrifying territory. It's a risk setting hoof out there for a moment," Lucid said. No seriousness was lost in his tone of voice or firmness of his group.
Dan nodded. "Yes, I get it- again, not tourist-friendly."
"There are literal monsters out there. Horrors great and small that will bite off half of you and lay their eggs in the other half."
"Well, thank goodness this is a kid's show with family-friendly content. We would never want to risk breaking any recently revised regulations regarding the quality of programming broadcast online," Dan remarked.
Phoenix smiled. "And we certainly wouldn't directly poke fun at such overbearing regulations at all. Oops, I forgot to buckle my pants." Just then, Rarity's magic buckled Phoenix's belt extra-tight. "GAAH! Tha-thank you, Rarity- ow."
"Don't mention it," Rarity said. "And I mean it- DON'T." She shook her head. "You humans get to wear such nice clothes all the time, it's enough to make a mare jealous..." she mumbled to herself. She likes clothes. A lot.
"There's bad shit out there!" Lucid yelled, shaking Dan. "And YOU just blew a huge gaping hole in the only thing that keeps them out!!" The camera rapidly panned down to the bottom of the wall where there was indeed a huge gaping hole in the gate.
Dan laughed. "Oh, is that what you're worried about? Lighten up, Lucy. We can fix that no problem."
Lucid flipped him again. "This wall has stood for generations! More than a thousand years, the gates of New Troy have never been breached!"
"That's not a bad record- hey, everybody gets a mulligan." Before Lucid could get steamed up again, Dan quickly said, "Relax, Lucid. I can take care of this."
Lucid paused, fuming, staring Dan down with rage-filled eyes. "There's no more mortar to fix the wall with. How exactly are you going to repair it?"
"Well..."
Dan stuffed the carcasses of the dogs into the hole in order to plug the gap. Yeah, I can't even be bothered to write a montage sequence for that- it's kind-of disgusting. But this is Dan we're talking about so... hey, he stuffed the dogs into the hole and plugged it up. Hooray... I guess.
"Ahhh, that's the stuff. See? What did I tell you?" Lucid was too dumbfounded, or possibly disturbed, or probably both, to speak. "Great thing about Granny's Napalm- it doubles as a cement when it gets good and dry."
"Help... help me..." one of the dog's reached out of the wall.
"Whoops, missed a spot." Dan walked over and put duct tape over the injured, compacted canine's muzzle. He whimpered. "There we go. We good now?"
Lucid's jaw hung open as he stood there, a mile-long stare as his expression. He started to mouth words and on the third time, they came out. "You have insulted my entire culture's heritage."
Dan patted him on the back. "I've insulted a lot more than that. And we just met a few hours ago."
Trying to be supportive, Phoenix offered a few words. "I think it'll hold up. I mean, culturally, a lot of walls and fortifications in ancient history did have actual bodies embedded in them, so... yeah. This is... normal... woo..." (I'm too tired to throw up, but I might anyway.)
"Do you know of a good lawyer?" Lucid asked Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney.
"Yea-nope. Nope, no, sorry, not at all. No," Phoenix Wright, Lying Attorney said, shaking his lying head while he lied through his lying teeth of... lying-ness. (C'mon, man, we've been through hell, just please don't put me on trial right now.) Fine.
"What did you say your name was again?"
"I'm Phoenix- uh, Phoenix Wright, Ace... jazz piano player. And talent manager," lying Phoenix Wright said. "I have a talent agency... with morons in it. And weird people."
"Okay... well, thank you anyway," Lucid said, his head hanging low.
"Hey," Phoenix stopped him, "I know things are tough right now, but they're going to get better."
"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that," Rice Puddinghead said. Standing just behind them in front of the gate was, of course, Rice Puddinghead, current ruler of Equestria. He had already snapped his fingers once, transporting all his injured and ailing dog soldiers back to the moon base, leaving a massive hole in the wall in their place. But hey, at least they were fine. Unfortunately, the same was not about to be for Dan and the gang.
"RRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" Dan screeched. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGH!!" Dan charged. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!" Dan fell, as Rice dodged him like a bull, spun the man around and threw him back down into the dirt.
"So, how did you do it, Dan?" Rice asked, kicking him over. "Was it a magical artifact? A spell I didn't know about? Some other random arcanist bullshit?"
"Car."
"It was a car?" Rice asked.
"Car."
"Who's car? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Car." And Rice was hit by a car. It drove through the hole and continued, not stopping, as it tore through the streets and headed further south. Rice flipped, tumbled over the vehicle and landed face down in the dirt. Dan rushing him, he had expected but the mysterious stranger Eric driving a Team Galactic space buggy straight towards him at full speed he had not expected.
He was in a lot of pain and not able to deal with this right now. Achingly, Rice snapped his fingers again, this time teleporting himself back to base. Dan immediately got up and began strangling where Rice had been.
"GET HIM BACK HERE! GET HIM BACK, get him so I can rip his heart out and beat him to death with it while it's still beating!"
"We'll get him eventually, Dan," Captain America said. He and Chris dragged Dan away from the scene, foaming at the mouth, and took him to get some rest at the nearest inn. They rested for a day and added some hasty wooden boards to seal up the hole in the wall before setting out for the Bursavis prison complex.
The donkey guards and their leader, Lucid, all made different yet unanimous gestures of 'I really don't want to answer this questions but no.' Which begged Dan to ask the follow-up question.
"Why?"
"Well," Lucid looked around nervously, "It's not that we think you're going to lead us into certain death... wait, uh, yes it is. That's exactly it."
"Oh, like certain death is that big a deal. We just faced certain death defending your wall," Dan argued.
"You BROKE the wall. A monument to my peoples' building prowess, resolve, technical might, literally the FIRST thing people from the north see when coming to visit my country, a structure that has withstood the test of time and YOU broke it," Lucid said, sparing none of the frustration in his voice.
"Withstood the test of time, check. Withstood the test of Dan, un-check," Phoenix said. (Probably a bad idea if he ever visits Stonehenge for that reason.)
Dan threw his arms out defensively. "And we survived. Seriously, what more do you guys want from me? It's not like I'm going to use you all as meat shields while storming the prison!"
Again, Dan was met with uncomfortable silence and shifty, avoiding eyes. "I'm not ACTUALLY going to use you as meat shields. Okay, who thinks I would use the donkeys as meat shields?"
Everyone raised their hands, hooves and other appendages. It was unanimous.
"Alright, fine. So..." Dan said, looking around. He trailed off intentionally.
"So?"
"Where is it? The prison? Which way?"
Lucid sighed. "I'll draw you a map. C'mon."
The group took a few minutes to load up on supplies and prepare. It didn't take long; there weren't very many things left in New Troy to loot. A few random interlopers- raiders and the like, did pass through but didn't bother them. After seeing Dan repel an army and the lack of valuables in the city, no one was in the mood to fight, not even the crazy and bloodthirsty random denizens. A pair of ostriches ran through the town and Dan briefly thought of hunting one down to eat it, but then decided he was too effing tired to do that.
They found a local bar at the end of town to rest before heading out. While Dan was gathering supplies, and trying to decide whether or not he was going to try to eat one of the foodimals they kept following them, Phoenix had some questions for Lucid. The donkey was still drawing up the map while Dan made noise in the bar's back rooms.
"So," Phoenix took a seat, "we've been told Donquestria might have a way to reach the moon. We need it."
"So you've told me. And so you've heard from others," Lucid said, not looking up.
Phoenix leaned closer. "I understand if it's a national secret. But believe me, we would not be asking if it wasn't urgent."
"There's the launching site in All's Well but that's been blasted off the face of your country. Apart from that, I don't know of any other rocket launching facilities," Lucid said. He was trying to hide the information, but not quite enough for Phoenix's magatama to go off. He wouldn't need that much convincing.
Phoenix pressed further. "Equestria and Donquestria have been allies forever. Rice is a threat to all of us, the whole planet, multiple planets. If we get to the moon and free Celestia and Luna, we might be able to stop him."
Lucid put down his marker and looked over to him. "There was a project a long time ago. Princess Luna..." he trailed off, lost in thought for a moment. "She shut it down. Told us to bury it all. That the moon was strictly her responsibility."
The lawyer nodded. "I've heard the stories. The donkeys wanted to reach the moon."
"It was our nation's dream. We've had more than a few civil wars but a major project like that, testament to what we can do, it would have opened up new trading partners. To see us do something like that, the other nations would be impressed. It would also have united us together, gave us something we could all rally behind," Lucid said. Oddly, he didn't seem bitter. "Anyway, it's in the past."
"What happened to it? The project, I mean?"
"Look, if you're really interested, the gun club lodge a couple streets over might have more information, if it hasn't been destroyed," Lucid said. "It's the New Troy branch of the Baltimare Gun Club. Look for the sign, can't miss it."
Phoenix got up. "Right. Thank you, Lucid. And uh..." he reached into his pocket, "if you were actually serious about needing a lawyer... I kind-of am one."
The yellow donkey smiled. "I wasn't actually serious," he pushed the kind gesture away. "But thanks."
"No, no, keep it. It might come in handy."
"Alright, thanks." Phoenix left after that and Dan took his place, barely giving the donkey a moment to get back to drawing the map.
"You done yet?" Dan asked, sitting down in the same exact seat as Phoenix.
"Almost aanddd... finished," he said. Lucid then held up the map. "You're going to follow the Green Line to the Maize Mesa. Just don't go to the Mesa Maze- it's a maze, you'll probably get lost there. So remember: Maize Mesa, not Mesa Maze. Got it?"
Dan nodded. "Mesa Maze, not Maze Mesa."
"NO," Lucid said, putting the map down. "MAIZE Mesa. As in corn. Maize Mesa Valley is where Donquestria grows most of our corn, maize and other crops. But the Mesa Maze is a giant corn maze- stalks taller than towers. You don't want to go there."
"Alright alright, Maize Mesa. I got it," Dan said. He studied the map thoroughly. Lucid had not actually had to DRAW Dan a map but rather, they found a railroad map and Lucid made some adjustments to it.
"You'll know it when you see the Mesa topped with gold," Lucid added.
Dan looked at the map again. Unbeknownst to them except in legend, Donquestria had also been designed by the Fausticorn herself. As the entire world had been built to be a cartoon world to teach young kids, primarily young girls, Donquestria was built to teach the fundamentals of math and calculation. New Troy was themed around Ancient Greece; with its architecture, structure and layout, it was designed to teach geometry and arithmetic.
All of Equestria's nations had been designed with education in mind. The kingdom of Equestria taught relationships, conflict resolution and cooperation. The Griffon Kingdom taught world history, the Zebra Kingdom taught language skills, english and naturally, poetry while the Crystal Empire taught science. The Saddle Arabians had astronomy and the Buffalo League has culture, Yak Yakistan taught the basics of economics like trade. Even if she hadn't built it with her own hooves, the Faust had ordained that this would happen, because it was the world she created.
But it wasn't her world anymore. It hadn't been her world for a long time, and while it did still gravitate towards her core design, Equestria was shaped by those that lived in it now.
Dan didn't know this looking at the map, but he did see that Maize Mesa looked like a giant piece of cornbread. And that was intentional.
"So we follow the green railroad until we see the giant piece of cornbread?"
"Yes," Lucid said, sighing. "From there, the Bursavis complex appears to the south."
"I don't see it on the map," Dan remarked.
Lucid nodded. "That's right; you won't. It APPEARS to the south, but the complex itself is hidden in a storm."
Dan looked up at him. "So how do we get to it?"
Lucid pointed at the map. "There's a marker here, and you're going to-" An explosion cut them off. Not nearby but somewhere in the town. It was followed by another low, rumbling blast.
"EVERYBODY, get outside," Dan announced. The donkeys, ponies, dinosaur and other humans followed him out the door.
Smoke was trailing from the western corner of town.
"That must be the power plant," Lucid said.
"I'll go check it out- the two guys you sent might still be there," Dan said.
"No," Lucid stopped him. "Me and my guys will take care of it."
Dan turned around. The donkeys all were still equipped soldiers, if not the best-equipped Donquestria could provide. It was still a risk, though, but Dan and the others understood.
"Alright. For what it's worth, we... appreciate the help. Good luck with your town," Dan said. Which was almost a genuine expression of gratitude. Until he added, "And if you're going to shoot anyone who approaches, GET A SIGN. Seriously, you have THAT big a freaking wall and you don't want visitors, I get it. Believe me, I understand. But something THAT freaking huge, people are going to come up to it naturally so take five minutes and write 'NO SOLICITORS' on the outside."
"Feh. Wouldn't you and your friends count as solicitors right now?"
"No," Dan said, pulling his shirt out. "Technically right now, we're foreign aid."
"How touching."
"I can be very touching. In ways you don't want to imagine," Dan stated. He got right in the yellow donkey's face when he said it.
"Have fun in prison!" Lucid suddenly burst out. And left immediately for the eastern part of town.
"Genius, the power plant is THAT way," Dan pointed.
"But the fire department's this way!" He yelled back over his shoulder. His donkeys ran after him.
The New Troy gun club was just a street over. The back alleys of the donkey city were deserted, but Dan and the gang traveled cautiously anyway. The construction of the buildings, even the mostly-wooden ones all had stone foundations, something Phoenix noticed. There was very little metal, if any, throughout New Troy.
Dan held up a hand as he approached the edge of the street. He waved towards the wall and everybody else took that to mean they should press up against it and be as quiet as possible. Phoenix crept heel-toe to the front.
"Couple goons by the entrance, keeping watch," Dan said.
"At least two more inside, you figure?"
"Probably more."
Phoenix leaned outward to see the front of the gun club. Two Team Rocket grunts were standing outside the entrance, keeping watch. Their weapons were drawn and they weren't in the shade, which told Dan they hadn't been there for very long.
"How do you want to do this?" Phoenix asked.
"Let's get onto the roof a take them down at the same time from above. Tux and Reginald cover the entrance from the roof across the street, Chris covers the street view, the Doc draws them out and Cap and Rarity take them down."
Phoenix nodded. It was a good plan, it utilized all their strengths and minimized risks. "Let's do it."
And that's exactly how it worked out.
"AAAAUUGGH-OAFF!!"
In their heads. They crossed the street stealthily enough but Dan fell off the roof and in front of the two guards.
"What the fu-" *Krang-KONG*
Fortunately, Captain America was pretty quick on the getup and took out the goons with his shield. It ricocheted off one and into the other, knocking both Team Rocket grunts out cold.
"That was a good attempt, guys," Cap said, giving Dan a thumbs-up.
A third grunt then came out through the doors, weapon drawn.
"Freeze! All of you!"
"AAAAIIE!" And Phoenix landed on top of him.
"Good job, Nicky," Dan said, getting up.
"Thanks." (And that was almost intentional.)
Dan nudged the door open with the toe of his shoe. "Alright, I was wrong. Only three goons this time."
"Looks like they were here for the guns," Chris said, checking their weapons. "There's barely a full mag between the three of them."
"There still might be more of them so keep your eyes peeled. TUXLEY! REGGIE!"
"Yes, Master Dan?"
"Just stay there for the time being, keep a look out okay?"
"Indubitably, sir!" "But of course!"
And Dan almost expected to see Doctor Whooves with them, staying as far away from any potential danger as possible. But instead, he was surprised, and pleasantly at that, to see both him and Rarity enter the gun club lodge right past him. He and Phoenix joined them, with Cap and Chris taking positions and lookouts on the outside of the building. They stood in the shade, weapons holstered but at the ready.
The lights were dim in the gun club lodge, just projecting enough light to see. But the fact that they were on at all was off; the power plant was still shut down, to Dan's knowledge.
"This place must have its own generator," Phoenix remarked.
"Perhaps one of the Rocket-ettes outside activated it?" Rarity asked.
Doctor Whooves shook his head. "I don't think so. Rocket grunts are usually too single-minded to care about anything other than their immediate task, even something that might help them complete said task."
"We agree there, Doctor. They've gone downhill in EVERY way since I worked with them," Dan said. "Also, Nicky, remind me not to be proud of that any more."
"Duly noted."
The gun club lodge was built a lot like the bar they were just in. But, it was a bit bigger and even had its own projector room, a small theater house in the back. Tables and chairs had been thrown aside in the front, either by the Team Rocket grunts or something else. There were lots of papers strewn about everywhere but no guns, gunpowder or anything indicating it somehow related to a space program.
"Here's something," Whooves said. From behind a bar, he removed a framed picture. He blew the dust off of it, so thick it was almost mirror-like before he took it down. "I believe we've found the owners. Or... at least, the founders."
Dan and Phoenix took a couple of bar stools, Rarity looked over Whooves' shoulder as he sat the framed photo down. It was incredibly old- so old it was a black-and-white photo. It still had the grainy sepia-colored tint photos from back then tended to have.
"I've seen a photograph like this before," Dan said, looking it over. "In the Golden Oaks Library, back when we were remodeling the place, we uncovered an old plaque. It had something like this in it."
The old photograph depicted four donkeys in a half-circle before the camera. They were smiling and holding out their hooves above them, each with a different item. An older donkey in gentlemanly garb held up a hunting rifle. The glasses-wearing donkey mare next to him raised up a telescope. A donkey in a tuxedo and mustache next to her held up a bottle of some kind and finally, a younger donkey, barely older than the CMC, raised up a slingshot. Above and behind them was a picture of a crescent moon atop the gun club's entrance. Under the picture were the words: Our Founders.
"Okay, so..." Doctor Whooves said, bracing his hooves against the frame. But he said nothing further.
"Yes?" Rarity leaned forward.
A determined look was in Whooves' eyes. He looked at each of them, at Dan, at Phoenix and then back to Rarity. He nodded solidly, and they all knew. Doctor Whooves knew.
"I got nothing." Not exactly something you would expect to hear in the posh David Tenant-esque voice of Who but eh. "I'm sorry! I really don't know how this relates to anything."
Phoenix got up. "Maybe we should search the place again. There might be something we missed."
"Yeah, you do that. I'm gonna take break," he said, wiping his brow. Donquestria was hot, especially now. Going from the frozen wastes to a blistering hot desert was making Dan miss the underground not-fight club. At least the place had been climate-controlled. He pulled out the pink potion he'd swiped from the gift shop.
"OH crap," he stopped himself. "I almost drank this stuff. Chris!!" he yelled over his shoulder. "Canteen!"
"WAIT!" Whooves stopped him. "Maybe this stuff... the pink stuff. It's magic, yes?"
"From what we understand, yeah. Pour it on something, it becomes what you want it to. Pour it on someone's head, they think they're someone you want them to be. OH wait," Dan held it up. "Maybe it'll turn this old photo into a clue?"
"Ahhh, nice," Phoenix said, rubbing his hands together. "Cheat juice! I like it. Definitely remind me to get some for my next important court case."
"Nicky, this crap turned you into a nutter, to borrow Whooves' language."
"It's still English; it just sounds better how we say it."
"So no, stay away from this crap," Dan said.
"Fine. Fine... maybe just a little bit?"
"Okay, everybody back," Dan said, getting up. He stood over the photo and raised the vial. "THIS will now give us the clue to the Donquestrian space program... now!" He poured a drop on the photograph and hit dead-center. "Everybody think uh... clue-y thoughts."
And... nothing happened. The pink mixture was absorbed into the photograph, unlike any other liquid which would have just stayed on there. The magical substance bonded with the physical structure of the graph, harnessing the strands that bound dimensions together, the realm of reality and thought and weaved them into one. And... nothing happened. Still.
Phoenix picked up the photo. "Well uh... it smells weird now," the lawyer said.
"Look for anything in the picture that's changed," Dan said. But nothing had changed.
"Potions is not my area of expertise," Rarity said. "If only Zecora was here."
"Wait wait wait, maybe... maybe we have to reveal it," Dan said. He rubbed the photo. "Ah-HA! Look!" Another layer of dust came off of it, as if it had always been there. Because it had been. "Look! Look! It's not a black-and-white picture after all!"
"It's a full-color photograph!" Phoenix exclaimed.
"And it still tells us nothing!" Doctor Whooves added gleefully. Then, all glee dissipated and defeat settled in. "Alright, fine. It's worthless."
"Well, you managed to waste five minutes, Doc. I'm going to call that uh... something," Dan said. He absent-mindedly lifted the vial and took a swig.
"Dan, wait!" Too late. Dan took a drink of the pink potion.
And for a brief moment, Dan wasn't there. The world felt cold and dark, other-worldly, like he was observing things from far away. And then he coughed it back up.
"HALPPH!"
"Dan, you really need to pay more attention-"
"Wait!" Dan said, stopping Rarity before she could chastise him further. "There was... something. Was I..." he looked around. "We're still here."
"Yeah... and confused now," Phoenix said.
Dan held up the vial. "I think this IS a potion. Or at least, it could work like one."
"What are you-"
Dan took another swig from the vial. This time, he swallowed it.
Suddenly, his friends were gone. The gun club's lights were brighter, a piano was in the corner, a donkey bartender polished a glass with a rag. It was like he had gone back in time.
Turning around, Dan saw the club's patrons pressed up against the glass windows. They watched something out in the street.
"What do you think this means?" "We're screwed. That's what it means." "Not a chance the ministers are going to stand for this." "They don't have a choice. No one's going up against a princess."
Dan's body felt weird. Specifically, it felt like he wasn't IN his body, but somehow that part of himself was very far away. And he was beginning to see that was true, but not of distance; it was true of time. He was seeing the past.
He stumbled outside, finding it somewhat hard to walk. There were more donkeys, a huge crowd of them outside. A few griffons flew overhead, along with airships in the distance. It was high noon. Across the street, a platform had been set up in front of a railway office. And ponies were on it.
"Compensation WILL be decided upon at a later date," a stallion said. It was a royal guard- the high marshal, the leader of the guards that had the power to speak for the princesses. Praetorians flanked him; that meant a princess was nearby. Their aggressive demeanors were meant to stifle any thought of threat to the princess. Praetorian guards were hoof-picked by Celestia and Luna themselves and had one job: the protection of the princesses.
"Let this serve as a reminder that the harmony between... that the HARMONY BETWEEN," the marshal had to raise his voice over the shouting, "our nations is dependent upon mutual trust and respect. Now, I present to you, her royal highness... Princess Luna."
He quickly stepped aside. The dissent amidst the crowd instantly ceased into silence. Princess Luna, firm as she had ever been, took the stage.
"Equestria is sympathetic to your plight. But the moon... Equestria's moon is MY responsibility. And mine alone."
"Who gave you the right!?!" A voice rang out. Following that, a bottle. Pale brown and partly-filled, it hurtled towards Luna from somewhere in the audience. It was enough to stun the entire crowd, even the guardsmen. But not Luna.
The bottled stopped mere inches from her face. It floated in midair, clutched with a tight, blue aura wrapped around it.
"I do not need the right," Luna said. "I have the ability." The bottle broke, shattering into pieces. But then, it kept shattering, breaking over and over rapidly, disintegrating along with its contents until they were too small to be seen. The glass and its liquid were made into nothing before their eyes and when her aura finally vanished, there was nothing left behind.
"All materials, resources and information related to this project are now hereby seized by Equestria. Any further transgressions will be dealt with... severely," Luna said. "Good day... to you all." She left along with the guards, filing out and leaving town aboard her personal chariot.
Dan witnessed all of it. He wasn't really there but part of him felt like he was. The air of depression was palpable, more than the heat beating down from the sun. The crowd of donkeys dissipated until it was down to a final familiar four.
"What are we going to do now?" the young mare asked.
"Chin up, lass," the older gentle-donkey said. "We'll manage. Just as we always do."
"It's going to be hard preventing a war now. Tensions were high enough already," the tux-clad donkey said.
"Should be happy you got into New Troy without getting mugged, Glass."
He grinned. "I suppose you're right, Aimy."
Shot Glass, Steady Aim, Double Barrel, and the young mare with the slingshot, Trigger Happy. The four founders of the Baltimare Gun Club.
"Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but before I leave... I'm having a drink."
"That's a good idea."
"I'll buy the whole house a round. Heaven knows they deserve it."
"Just one round, Dubs?"
"ONE round. And Trigger, if anypony asks, you're eighteen."
"I'm twenty-two."
"I don't care. Let's go get drunk." The four friends entered the gun club lodge and drank the town's cheap booze until they passed out on the floor. Dan watched it all, knowing such pain before. But Dan did not drink his troubles away; no, he got revenge. Vengeance was his beer and he took it straight-up. If it had been him, he would have done more than just thrown a bottle at Luna and then get drunk in a bar.
Just as Dan had that thought, Luna appeared again. Not to him, but to them.
"Oh gawd, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, this isn't-"
"I've had dreams like this before," Shot Glass said, "but usually I'm in your bedroom." The donkey raised his eyebrows at the princess. Then, he realized the others with him. "And we're usually alone."
This is Princess Luna so, like Rainbow Dash and others, she's used to such... concepts.
"I have a simple question to ask all of you," Luna announced. "Do you truly believe this project will unite your people? Do you really believe this will lead to harmony?"
The four friends need only look at each other for but a moment to know what they already knew in their hearts were true.
"Yes." "Yes!" "YES." "Absolutely, yes!" It was unanimous.
Luna took a deep breath and nodded. "Then I will help you."
Like the other races of Equestria, the donkeys dreamed of finding their place in space. They wanted to do things their own way, and so devised a great cannon, one powerful enough to launch objects into orbit, even to the moon. It was a massive undertaking that took the country by storm, a project that involved every donkey, every being that called Donquestria home. It was not meant to be, and shortly after Luna found out, the project was shut down by none other than the princess herself. The moon was hers, not theirs, and should would protect it and them from themselves, even if it meant destroying their dream.
The donkeys had hoped the project would unite their fractured kingdom. Stress of living in the harsh desert took its toll, and lack of trade was burdening their fledgling nation. In desperation, they turned to the Stairway Project, a way to show other nations they were a legitimate country and secure better trading deals. The loss of the project meant civil war loomed on the horizon instead of hope.
But... Luna was far wiser than any realized. She knew that deferring the donkeys' dream would only make them want it more, only drive them further into desperation. So, she did the one thing no one expected: she helped them complete it.
The vision spoke to Dan. It showed him the rapid development of Donquestria. From four original towns sprang up four great cities. Railways began to link them. First in a cross, and then in a great circle. From high above, nearly in orbit himself, Dan watched as Donquestria turned from a rural kingdom into an enormous compass, the four points of a great and mighty empire.
And in the center, a swirling dial, a storm of magnetism so powerful it distorted reality around it. Day and night passed in fractions of a second to Dan as he watched Donquestria take shape, its entire history displayed before him. Walls rose around the compass of the nation, along with a central circle. But this was only what was going on at a surface level. The center of the kingdom rose and spread out, pulsing like a bead of water hitting the surface to create waves, only the wave stopped, as if time itself was yielding to an unseen force.
Suddenly, the vision stopped. An explosion shook the kingdom, shook the land, shook the mountains, the trees, the tops of the mesas, the whole entire world. A ball of light lit up the night sky like a star and from the center of Donquestria, a single shot. The walls fell around it, all except at New Troy.
The tiniest metal sphere launched into the atmosphere. Just when it seemed as if it would come back down, it stopped and began to circle around the planet. The first orbiter, the first satellite, the Equestrian Sputnik.
To Dan, it seemed as though he was somewhere high above the planet watching events unfold. Such was the potion's power that he experienced a vision of what exactly he wanted to see. Every event in history, everything that happens is written somewhere. One moment to the next is etched into the stone, carried on the winds and woven into the fabric of reality itself. Magic, in this case, was simply a replay button able to share a bit of that raw footage with Dan. He experienced it in a trance-like stat, a thousand years of history in but a few seconds.
But to the rest of Dan's friends, it looked like he was having a seizure.
"Sh... should we move him?" Doctor Whooves asked.
"Give him a minute," Phoenix said.
"You said that three minutes ago. And again two minutes again. And then now."
"Give him ANOTHER minute," Phoenix said, swallowing. (He's... probably fine, I'm sure. I don't think he's blinked in the past ten minutes, but I'm sure that's normal... for him. We'll wait another minute just in case. And because I really don't want to touch him.)
"I, uh, would rather not touch him at any rate."
"He hates being touched more than you do," Phoenix added.
The Doctor shuddered. "I highly doubt that."
"And I don't."
Captain America and Chris walked in. "So, we were out taking a look at the-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"
"I see Dan's awake."
"-AAaahhhhhh. Hey."
"Hi, uh, so, Chris and I were checking out the rails outside and we think the bathrobe ninja might be heading that direction, too," Cap said.
Dan got up. "Good work investigating. This is a strong indication that we're not the only ones going to prison." Silence for one whole second. "...Wow, that sounded terrible. Okay, we're not the only ones planning a break-in. Err... not the only ones going to jail. Crap, none of that sounds even remotely good."
"We're not the only ones going to rescue our friends from prison," Doctor Whooves said.
"There we go, good job, Doc-o."
"At least there's one thing I'm still good for," he said, rubbing his neck.
Dan nodded. "And it reminds me there's probably at least one annoyance in our immediate future. Alright gang, grab what you need, we're heading out again."
"Wait a minute. Dan, Darling," Rarity stopped him, "did you... were you able to learn anything from... uh, well, the-uh..."
"OH, the pink stuff. Yeah, I saw a vision," he said, holding up the bottle. "But I'm not doing that again. One of you can drink this garbage the next time we need a hint."
"Duly noted," Phoenix said. "Also, not it."
"What did the vision tell you?" Rarity asked. The only girl in the group and also apparently the only one focused on their goals. Most of the time, anyway.
"I saw the cannon," Dan said. He pointed downward. "We're basically standing on it. The donkeys built the whole gun under their country itself. Parts and pieces of it are exposed and that's the railroads that run across the kingdom. They called it the Spiral Staircase and uh... Luna helped them build it."
"Wow..."
"Impressive."
"And we're standing on it? As in, right now?" Phoenix asked, looking around.
"We're not standing on the barrel, Nicky, don't worry."
"Oh. Well, that's a relief."
"We'll be there in a few hours," Dan said.
"What?" Phoenix asked, initiating his nervous sweaty mode.
"The prison we're heading towards was built on top of the cannon. Some kind of tribute to Luna for helping them," Dan said.
"The prison is a gift to Princess Luna?" Rarity asked.
"Yeah yeah, I'll explain on the way. C'mon, let's get there before something else goes wrong."
Doctor Whooves stopped as the others were leaving. "But what about the gun club? Isn't the key to the cannon supposed to be here?"
Dan shrugged. "The vision left that part out, I guess. You wanna drink some of this crap and wind up on the floor?"
"Well, just remember you wanted to be useful," Dan said.
Tuxley and Reginald rejoined them in the street. They left the bodies of the Rocket goons tied up inside the gun club. Together, they set out for the prison complex and to rescue their friends. They reached the city limits and began trekking across the desert.
The sun beat down on them. Hot, dry desert air around them, providing no relief. Dan felt himself panting. Still, he forced himself to walk on. On and on and on they walked, one heavy foot step after the other with only the railroad to point them in the right direction.
Dan looked up towards the sky. Swirling clouds of sand and dust ahead and around them made it hard to see. Only the giant orange hot glowing ball of the sun stood imperceptibly still in the sky, hanging and smoldering above them like a cinder in the afternoon sky.
"This... sucks," Dan said. "How far out are we?"
"We made it out two feet past the city limits," Cap said.
Dan turned around. New Troy and the gun club were right behind them. "OH FOR squee'S SAKE!"
"I have an idea," Chris said. "If anyone is actually going to listen to it."
"What is it Redfield?" Dan asked without pausing.
He threw his thumb over his shoulder. "We could go and get the cars we came here in, see if they're still working or..." he trailed off.
"Or what?" Dan asked. He turned around.
Coming towards them on the green line appeared to be... a train. Which made sense, since they were following a railroad. To make it even better, the train stopped right in front of them.
"Verdant Line- next stop, Bursavis Prison Complex. Please stand clear of the doors." A pleasant-sounding female voice announced the train's arrival. Steam shot from the top of it as pressurized doors on the side folded outward.
"I'm not in a position to complain," Doctor Whooves said. He stepped forward and Dan stopped him.
"No."
"No?"
"No. No trains," Dan said.
"But Dan-"
"No!" Dan stomped off past the train and into the desert. His friends protested but reluctantly, followed him.
"Dan-" "No." "Seriously, Dan." "NO." "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnn~" Rarity whines after pleading from the rest of them. To which Dan replies, "NO. And none of that, either."
Dan continued walking into the desert, followed by his friends. He distinctly heard something, the chhh-chhh sound of something he knew would end up irritating him. He turned around.
Yes, the train was following them.
"Dan," Whoovesa said, "I think the train is following us."
"I know. I can SEE that." The train slowly backed up and stopped next to them like some sort of obedient puppy. Dan glared at it; to him, it could not have been more obvious it was a trap if it had the words REALLY REALLY OBVIOUSLY A TRAP plastered on the side of it. Or as the title of this chapter.
"No. And you," he pointed at the train, "Beat it. Scram. Vamoose!" But the train just sat there, innocently. Conveniently. Taunting them with its comparative comfort and convenience to continuing their on-foot journey through the desert.
Dan continued onward. There was no way they were getting him on a train, nope. It wasn't worth it. Walking may have been more difficult, but it was the smart thing to do. No, nope, nada, not at all, there was NO chance Dan was taking that train. Even if all his friends got on it and rode off without him, even if he watched them pass him in comfort and convenience, even if he saw all this played out as I'm describing it, there was no way Dan would- oh who am I kidding?
"HEY! WAAIIT!!" Dan's friends rode by him on the train, it slowly picking up speed as he broke into a run.
This was how you overruled Dan; you basically did whatever you were going to do and he just has to go along with it. To be honest, it saves time. And you have the same amount of odds of him yelling either way, so you might as well go with your gut. He does.
"GET BACK HERE!! IT'S A TRAP YOU IDIOTS!! AND STOP LEAVING ME!!" Dan yelled. Just as the train departed, Rarity's magic lifted Dan up and carried him onto the train. The pressurized doors closed behind him.
"Please stand clear of the doors."
"Oh, it has air conditioning. That's nice," Dan remarked. The interior of the train was surprisingly luxurious. Dan poured himself a cup of the complimentary cucumber water while the others got situated.
"So we've established this is obviously a trap and I hate you all, right?"
"Yes," everyone said.
"Good, good. I'm glad we got that out of the way. So I'm going to blame ALL of you when this goes wrong and Twilight will give me authority over your butts. I'm glad we understand that," Dan said. He sipped the cucumber water. "I hate cucumber water." He continued drinking, despite the fact there was also non-cucumber water right next to it. Sometimes, he liked to hate things.
"Now departing New Troy. Next stop: Bursavis Prison Complex. Please have proper identification available."
Rice's moon base was pretty basic, all things considered. He was alone there, apart from his personal guards. None of them needed much, and far away from the rest of Equestria, there wasn't much need for defenses. It had the best defense of all: the fact that no one knew it was there apart from those in it. That's how it had been and it had worked for great deal of time. After all, Stable Zero had been built before all the others.
It was quiet, even quieter than Stable Five back at Prosperity Base. Rice had no interest in going back to it, or Equestria, certainly not after it was raided. He'd had enough interlopers, random interference, Equestria's own attempts to preserve its own order. The planet itself could summon people to defend it, something the Fausticorn had intended. But with her gone, the Director's inherent nerdiness had taken hold and warped in 80s pop culture. And of course, the Director WAS Equestria's spirit, and even 'dead,' she could still screw things around.
But not on the moon. No, the moon was a prison, as the Fausticorn had intended it to be. There was no inherent magic here except for Luna's. And Luna... well, she was beginning to come around. As Rice had intended.
Despite the fact that it was isolated, the moon base did in fact receive a visitor. The Stable, built onto and under the moon's surface, did not have an official entrance, but it did have a maintenance airlock. Today, it opened to receive a visitor.
A pair of canine guards went to check the disturbance. Weapons drawn, they rushed to the airlock.
"Everything is fine. You can return to your post."
"Everything is fine."
"We can return to our posts," the second dog said. The two put away their weapons, turned around and went back to their stations. They completely forgot there had been a disturbance at all.
Rice was eating an apple as he made his morning walk through the halls. Outside the windows of the upper level, the vast expanse of space beckoned. His newest project would be ready soon and then he would leave this universe behind. He would soon create the world, the universe he wanted, undoing everything from the past. Soon. Soon...
He looked down at the apple. It only just now occurred to him that the supply of Sweet Apple Acres' apples was now limited, considering there was no Sweet Apple Acres. Sure, he could use his techno-magic-wizardry to conjure up more, but would they have the same taste? There are some things that simply couldn't be replicated by magic or science, some perfect tastes, perfect sights, perfect feelings, perfect moments in time that simply could not be experienced again. They could only be imitated and their memories captured. Then, they could be shared.
Not that Rice intended on sharing. He bit the apple down the core, passing a room as he did so. The door was open for some reason, probably just a glitch or something, but he gave a glance into the room as he passed by.
"Good morning, Mr. Rice."
"GNNGGLLL! MMMMNNG-" and Rice began choking on the last bite of apple. The core fell to the floor, he braced himself against the doorway as the apple lodged itself in his throat, causing him to hack.
A pair of armored arms, similar to his own, but most certainly NOT his own, wrapped around his midsection and squeezed. The pressure caused him to hack up the apple.
"AAalllgh... haaaaa... haaa..."
"I'm very sorry to have startled you," a voice said. Rice panted, unsure of how to respond, unsure of what to do. The apple core rose up from the floor slowly, as if lifted by magic. But it was not lifted by magic.
Rice turned around. In front of him stood a man wearing green armor and a curved black helmet, like a fencing mask. He stood with his arms clasped behind his back, a stance Rice often liked to take.
"Do you require medical attention?"
"I... haaa... no. No," Rice looked up at him as he caught his breath. "NO." He reached out for the man's neck with lightning speed. His own upgrades to his gauntlets and boots allowed him to move faster, hit harder and do things that not even alciorns could claim to have done. But for all his speed, all his enhancements, this new person was faster. And all he did was dodge.
The man dipped backward, dodged and evaded each blow. He didn't land one of his own as Rice kept punching, chopping, angrily lashing out at him. Rice couldn't touch him, try as he might.
The door behind them closed. The sound was just enough to alert him to his mistake; Rice hadn't noticed it, but his pursuit of the intruder had led him right into the room. Right into a trap. He cursed himself for behaving like Dan. Just. Like. Dan. And just as he glanced back at the door, he broke sight with his opponent. When he looked back, he was gone.
"I appreciate you joining me today, Mr. Rice Puddinghead. Or would you prefer I refer to you as chancellor?"
Rice looked over. It was impossible; he was sitting at the end of the dining room table now, hands folded in front of him. He'd teleported somehow. Faster than the blink of an eye, no flash or spark of magic.
"How are you doing that?" Rice asked. "You techporting? I know that trick, too- in fact, I invented it. Where's your phase relay?"
"I'm able to do quite a lot through the Force," the man explained calmly. "When one has balance, they are capable of doing anything."
"The Force?" Rice asked. Where had he heard of that before? Oh crap... "You mean you're a Jedi?"
He nodded. "I am. I am Jedi Master Rals Braddaig of the Jedi Council. I'm a Jedi Shadow, which makes me a seeker and finder of things."
"Uh huh," Rice said. He opened the door. "Well, you can find yourself out, because I'm not planning on-"
"Would you prefer a different location?" the Jedi now stood in front of him. "I can take you back to Equestria, if you wish."
"Stop. Just STOP doing THAT," Rice flicked his hand. His glove passed through the man's armor, through his entire body like it wasn't there. The man then grabbed the door and closed it.
"I see," Rice said. "Intangibility. You're able to phase-shift. Not entirely impressive if Pinkie Pie can do it."
"It is Pinkie Pie I wish to discuss with you," he said calmly. "Her fate, and that of all ponies, all of Equestria. Including you."
"Ohhhhhhh," Rice nodded. "Oh, okay, I get it. You're not going to leave me alone until I negotiate with you. Is that it?"
"I can come back tomorrow," Rals said. "But I assure you that it is in your best interest that we come to an agreement in regards your planet and its people."
"Oh, I'm sure it is, grasshopper. And by the way, how exactly are you a Jedi?" Rice demanded. "I thought there weren't any more of you guys left. They had that movie about the last one. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't you, green jeans."
"I wasn't aware of any films about Jedi."
"Not a big movie buff, are you?"
"I like holo-documentaries. And the occasional rom-com."
"Ah," Rice said, nodding "I'm more of a sci-fi fan, myself."
"I can tell."
" So anyway, fuck off, I'm too busy to deal with..." he trailed off when he noticed security approaching. He hadn't called for security.
Four dog soldiers, two from down the corridor and two from behind him, came to the pair of them as they stood arguing. The dogs pulled out their weapons, designed by Rice himself, and aimed them right at Rice himself.
"As I said," Rals began, "it is in your best interest that we all reach an agreement."
Rice didn't have to turn around to know he was surrounded. "I see... you're going to make me kill my own guards if I don't comply."
"Not exactly, boss." "Milord... please." "Sir, it doesn't have to be this way." "Listen to reason, sir."
"They are acting of their own free will," Rals explained. "Jedi Mind Tricks can be potent, but only temporary. Convincing others is far more long-lasting."
Rice lowered his guard. "I'll listen to what you have to say. But I can still snap my fingers and be far away at any time if I don't like what I hear." They entered the makeshift conference room, what was originally a kitchen for the guards.
"You can do that, but I'll find you," Rals assured him, his voice consistently calm.
"So what the hell were you summoned as? Greatest infiltrator? Greatest manipulator?" Rice asked.
"Greatest negotiator, I believe."
"Oh, well, if that's the case, you really should speak with the princess first," Rice said. "I'm sure they'll be happy to discuss things with you."
"I already have."
"Oh shit."
Just as Twilight was debating with the ponysonification of war in Tartarus, Rice began debating with an icon of peace on the moon. Long did the philosophical battles rage, all while Dan and company headed to the bridge between both locations and concepts at the same time.
"Dan... Dan!" Cap yelled. "Can we shut the windows? Please?"
"Fine," Dan said, slamming the train shutter closed. He braced himself against the wall. He didn't like it, how convenient everything was, even if they were forced to rely on it. Even if it was welcome. Heck, the free cucumber water was even enjoyable, which he hated, but still enjoyed. And hated. And he hated the fact that he enjoyed it, so he drank most of it. The others mostly drank the non-cucumber water next to it.
Dan looked out the window. The sun had set, night had swallowed the desert meters away from the train. Whatever was coming at them, whatever they were heading towards or was heading towards them, was a mystery now. Dan hated it. Being in the dark both metaphorically and actually made him burn with fury, making him more alert. He hated the opportunities it afforded his foes, the thought someone could sneak up on him at any time, at anywhere, made him absolutely-
"Dan?"
"GRAH!"
"S-sorry, darling. I just wanted to say-"
"No no, you're fine," Dan said to Rarity, "Just another reminder that the danger is EVERYWHERE in this situation, thank you."
"I just wanted to mention that we might want to check the other train cars?" Rarity said. "There could be more on this train."
Dan nodded. "Quite right. Nicky!"
"Dan, maybe it's not a trap."
"Let's get going, Nicky."
"I'm just saying, MAYBE we don't need to be worried," Phoenix said, shrugging. (Nothing wrong with hoping for the best, right?)
"Somebody sent this train to come get us," Dan countered. "Which means they had reason to. I intend to find out why. And I intend for you to help me. And while I'm gone," Dan looked out at the others. Exhausted, resting, recuperating, "I want you all to remain vigilant."
"Ever-vigilant, simper fidelis, el capitan," Doctor Whooves said, giving him a mock salute. They were all tired, not just from the war and lack of decent food, drink and chance for rest, but from the desert. Donquestria was fucking hot. Most business was either done indoors or in the shade with things like misters and fans to keep everyone cool. That's one of the reasons trains and pneumatic tubes were used so much; nobody wanted to be outside.
"Fine, everybody can... take five, I guess. But stay alert. C'mon, Nicky, let's go."
Phoenix Wright did not object, showed no reluctance and was not hesitant to join Dan. He did so quickly, falling in behind the man who barely reached his neck in height, keeping his senses alert. The two were truly best friends and partners now and had been for a while. Whatever happened next, they would always face it together. They entered the next train car.
Chris Redfield let out a looooong sigh and slumped in a chair next to Captain America. It didn't matter who you were, what universe you were from, what species you were, EVERYBODY liked air conditioning. AC was the difference between pleasantness and absolute hell in many places and cases, the ones they found themselves in were no exception. Rarity and Doctor Whooves sat Lyra-style opposite them, with Tuxley and Reginald on the other side.
"So... we got anything to do?" Cap asked.
"I have something to confess," Doctor Whooves said, leaning forward. "I... haven't been myself lately."
"I was going to suggest we play cards."
"I haven't told you, any of you this because... well, it's a bit hard for me to admit. Me being me and all," the Doctor explained.
"I like cards," Chris said.
"I suppose it all started a few weeks ago, back when Vice, Rice or whatever he's calling himself declared himself ruler and we all were forced to accept it," Doctor Whooves explained against their will. They were too tired to stop him as he forcefully told them all what amounted to his entire life story, which meant most of his show and the Doctor Whooves and Assistant series, plus all the other crap the BBC reruns incessantly because they're creatively bankrupt at this point. Well, mostly, anyway.
It's not a dated reference if it's ALWAYS true.
The next car was dark as Dan and Phoenix entered it. It wasn't a passenger car, that much was obvious, and it seemed to be a bit bigger than the last one. There were no visible windows and only a couple glowing, electronic lights to barely give any light to the otherwise dark room. Fortunately, what little light there was was enough.
The room was occupied by a single large object, barely room enough for a pathway at either side around it. Dan and Phoenix crept by.
"Oh great," Dan said.
"What?"
"I think I know what this is," Dan said, brushing the side of the large object. Two flat, triangular surfaces were on either side, closed around a larger structure of some sort in the middle. It wasn't incredibly big, maybe the size of a helicopter but not much more. Dan continued edging his way to the front of the car.
"There's a terminal over here."
"What is this thing, Dan?"
"Well Nicky, there's another reason I was against taking trains. And this would be it," Dan said.
And then, Phoenix began to realize what it was, too. "Is this..." He looked closer at the spot between the two triangles. He was able to just make out four symbols: M B MK 5. The M and the K were connected into one.
"This is that Mechbeth thing, isn't it?"
"Eeyup," Dan said.
Phoenix squeezed over to Dan. "I thought you blew up the last one."
Dan nodded, face illuminated by the glow of the terminal. "And Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara helped Vice recover the remains of the old one. No, this one is new. The donkeys must've kept the design schematics and built a new one after Luna passed on it."
Phoenix looked over Dan's shoulder. Hi-tech, futuristic-y things had their own distinctive noises, as you might've imagined. Just as generators and electronics had their own usual characteristic hums and whirs on Dan's Earth, all the hi-tech stuff from other sci-fi universes had their own unique sounds you could pick up on. A lot of futuristic generators had more of a pulsing thrum to them, a constant '*vumm vumm... vumm vumm...* like the beating of a digital heart.
The reason for this in many cases was the fact that such power generators were vastly upgraded. They were generating and transforming vaster quantities of electricity than the regular generator. The distinct 'pulse' was the energy in its various forms being compressed into a quantum or other such form for it to be stored or transferred to another source.
"What are you doing?"
"Ha! This thing uses almost the same security interface as the GETOFFMAILAWN back home," Dan said. "This computer is downloading targeting profiles into the Mechbeth."
Phoenix scratched his chin. "Why would a weapon on a train use the same computer programs as a home security system?"
"It's a train-based security system," Dan said. "Now, if we just add our own profiles to it... wait a minute." Something caught Dan's eye on the screen. The information scrawled in glowing green against the black background of the computer, bit of an older-style.
The Mechbeth MK. 5 was an upgraded model of the train defense weapon known as Mechbeth. Originally a boss in Star Fox 64, the donkeys developed their own version because they use lots of trains. On the screen before Dan was a presently-updating list of targeting information. The profiles of predictable threats was being loaded into the Mechbeth's on-board processor. Because the weapon wasn't an A.I. like the Magic Gears, it helped to have pre-loaded data to use as a guide.
The usual list of Badlanders was on it and Rice's dog soldiers, which was good to see. But something else had been added to the targeting parameters, specifically on the 'friend' side of the friend-or-foe identifier.
"I think... Nicky, we got it. That's Barro's ship."
Dan grinned. "Okay, we just flop him over to the 'foe' side and..."
*Blamp*
"Uh oh." The train shifted. Suddenly, they were slowing down. Not stopping, but they weren't traveling at full-speed either. The digital 'thrum' they'd been hearing stopped and the ceiling of the train car pulled back. The Mechbeth shuddered.
"What'd you do, Dan?"
"I think I woke it up," Dan said. "Yeah we might want to run now."
Dan reentered the passenger train car calmly. The rest of his friends were gathered between the two sofas playing cards on the carpeted floor, except for Doctor Whooves who appeared to be explaining his life story on the opposite couch.
"-and you can't ever Daleks, I found that out a LOOOOOONG time ago, because just when you think they've finally, truly learned something, they go back to EXTERMINATE all over again. Though, to be fair, they did help me rescue Rory more recently, but they only really did that for his brain, so I don't think that really counts and-"
"Ahem," Dan cleared his throat. "Well, I do certainly hope I'm not interrupting. Everybody doing okay?"
The train went silent. Cap, Chris, Rarity, Doctor Whooves, even Tuxley and Reginald on the other side slowly turned around to face Dan. Even Phoenix's eyes widened a bit.
"Sir?"
"Yes, Reginald?"
"I find myself overcome with a sense of foreboding. Is this natural?"
"Given the circumstances, I would say it was most appropriate. Most appropriate indeed. In fact, now that you mention it, I, too, must confess a feeling of dread pervading my faculties."
"Ah. Tis most dire."
"Most dire indeed, Reginald."
"Sir?"
"Yes, Reginald?"
"May I suggest our course of action to withdraw behind the furniture until such threat has passed?"
"Very good, Reginald. Proceed and I shall join you."
"Indubitably, sir."
"Indubitably, Reginald." The gentrified blokes then retreated behind and underneath the couch, though only partially in Tuxley's case.
With a big smile plastered on his face, Dan casually walked over to where Cap and Chris were sitting. Both men, far taller and more muscular than Dan, practically cowered at his approach. Opposite them, Rarity and Doctor Whooves were doing the same.
For those who knew Dan, you got used to him being angry at everything. Every little thing. Most of the time, he'd get pissed off and rage at you and you could pretty much ignore it, even if it happened daily. He woke up angry, he ate and worked angrily, he spent his free time angrily and when he slept, he snored angrily. Hate was his natural state. So, to see him uncharacteristically happy was off-putting to say the very least. And downright disturbing for everyone for those who did know him.
"So, did you uh..." Cap stammered. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "That is, to say, um-ah..."
"Did you find out anything?" Chris quickly asked.
"Oh yes, that. Did you do that?"
Dan nodded merrily. Behind him, Phoenix carefully crept around, trying not to draw attention.
"Why, yes I did, Stevie, thank you for asking. Do you want to know what I discovered?"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Cap and Chris were a bit too frightened for rational thought at that moment, but recovered and said, "Sure?"
"Okay! Let me show you guys what I found out," Dan said. Phoenix took a spot on the sofa next to Cap and Chris and together, the three men took cover behind it. Dan walked right up to the door. "You know what I found out?"
They shook their heads. "N-no. What?"
Dan opened the door to a screeching, glowing, flying mechanical monster. "I WAS RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!"
Mechbeth swooped down and ripped a massive tear in the train car. The lights in the cabin immediately went out as its tail hook tore into the metal. The machine maneuvered and swung, still attached by the tether to the car in front of it. It recoiled its tail and began to glow as it charged energy for its next attack.
Advanced Continental Railway Authority Defense System Mechbeth Mk. V Train-based Annihilator
"What in the world is that thing?!" Rarity shrieked.
Dan charged and tackled her to the ground as it made another pass. "SHIELD! SHIELD NOW!!"
Rarity made a bubble shield around them and the others just as spears began raining down. A signature attack of all the Mechbeth models, the giant spears were originally meant to deter those around the train from attacking it. Actually, all of the weapons the Mechbeth used were meant to defend the train itself from attackers, but not remove or attack those that had already boarded the train. Since Dan triggered the auto-targeting systems though, the machine wasn't in a choosy mood or mode where it could choose.
The auto-targeting system was still in its prototype phase, so it registered Dan's friends as hostiles as well. Didn't apparently register the train for some reason, though.
"Dan! We made it mad!" Phoenix yelled.
"It's a robot, Nicky, it doesn't get mad!" A moment after Dan said that, the Mechbeth swooped down again and carved the side of the train car. Metal grinded on metal as the prongs of the tail hook cleaved the car, causing it to buck off its wheels briefly.
"Definitely seems mad to me!"
More spears rained down through the gash in the ceiling, cracking against Rarity's energy shield. Unlike most objects, the shield began to actually crack like glass as each one pelted it. Rarity winced in pain each time.
"Rarity!"
"These... the spears!" She clutched her head, narrowing her eyes to focus all her magic on the shield.
"The spears must be magic like the zebra ones!" Dan shouted.
Doctor Whooves chanced a glance upward. The britpone had been cowering, which was neither acceptable for Brits or pones to do, but he knew deep in his two hearts that he had to do something.
"Maybe... maybe we can reason with it!"
"Stevie, prepare to throw Doctor Whooves at it for suggesting something so stupid!"
"Aaah!" Cap and Chris jumped out of the way as the machine came scraping down again. It raked the shield, piercing it and taking off top of the sofa in front of them.
"Why would you want to throw me at that thing?!" Whooves shouted.
"Why would you suggest something that could possibly get us killed?!" Dan shouted back.
"This is what I do, Dan! This is MY way of doing things! I am an intellectual, a problem-solver, a puzzler! I work things out in my head, I don't just randomly throw things at my problems and hope things just work out!!"
"YOUR WAY. DOES NOT. WORK. DOCTOR," Dan yelled. The two men ducked again as the machine swooped down, cutting off what remained off the roof. "THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THINGS MY WAY!"
"Spread out!!" Cap yelled. Another barrage of spears rained down on them. Some went straight through her shield to puncture the floor. Finally, just as the last of the spiked hail ended, Rarity's shield broke.
"We're out of options and out of cover!" Phoenix yelled.
"Dan, do something!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAGH! I DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE THE DAMN TRAIN TO BEGIN WITH!!!"
"You want me to do things YOUR way, Dan?!" Doctor Whooves said. "Fine! Here's to barbarianism!! I shall unleash my savagery!" He picked up one of the fallen spears. "FOR ENGLAND YOU FOUL FUCKING BITCH!" With all his might, he chucked the spear.
*CRAANG!* Into the wall on the other side of the car.
"After all that, you fucking missed it. Way to go, Timeloser," Dan said.
"I don't think he's from the same England we're from, sir."
"Reginald, the wound is clearly salted enough."
"Nnnyeeheahahahahaha!" Doctor Whooves laughed. He then held up two more spears. "Oh, but Dan... I'm not done yet!" The Doctor charged and somehow used the spear in the wall as a spring board. As the machine swooped down again, Whooves jumped on it.
"I think you broke Doctor Who, Dan," Phoenix said.
To which Dan replied, "I hate trains."
Twilight's Test Pt. 3: Twilight's Triumph and Return
Twilight didn't know what she was supposed to find in the tomb, but what she had found, unsurprisingly, was a friend. Or at least, a new potential ally, which was good enough for her. The pony known as War led Twilight to the exit of the strange, dark catacomb. It felt like hours since the two had begun talking and by the end, Twilight had learned much, including a terrible, terrible truth, one which had been kept from them all from the very beginning... the truth of Rice, his son and the princesses.
"I'm... I don't know what to say," Twilight said.
"If you do not believe me, you may ask them," War said. "I can see the conflict in any heart, for therein lies the roots of war."
"No, no, I believe you," she said. She turned back to him. "And if what you say is really true... well, we could use your help."
The fiery stallion raised an eyebrow. "Truly? You know what my powers bring, Twilight Sparkle. I would engulf every heart upon your world in the fires of war, set passions ablaze until not was left but-"
"Ashes, yes, I get the idea," Twilight said. "And you called me a broken record."
"You do talk about friendship a lot."
"My point is- about war, not about friendship, my point about war is that... well, some battles have to be fought. Some wars, too," Twilight said, almost questioning herself. Almost. "This an important fight. We have to win this battle for the future of Equestria. For all our futures."
War cracked an approximation of a smile. The stallion was a column of flames that seemed to be on fire themselves. The fire on War produced no smoke, no light of its own and no heat. It simply burned. And burned. And burned. Yet... that wasn't entirely true.
As in everything, there were flaws. While War's bodily flames didn't appear to be anything sort of natural, there were still elements of humanity in them. The occasional ember crackled, the pulse of warmth was carried in the air and just the tiniest scent of burning incense could be detected. Equestria's magic was not flawless magic, and while that and the power of the Fausticorn had given life to the incorporeal, it had also humanized it. Through that, it became something more, something it could not have been otherwise.
Perhaps that was the Faust's greatest gift; in delivering humanity, she had allowed them all to do the impossible.
And Twilight seized on that. "You said your sisters were purified. They became something good. That can happen to you."
"I...," he trailed off. His eyes flickered to the floor. "...Okay."
"Okay? That's it?"
"I'm the embodiment of war. I don't make halfhearted decisions." He turned away from her. "I'll join you when the time is right. For me to be unleashed now would only doom your world twice over. If you truly think... that there's a place for me," he looked back at her. In that, the briefest of moments, his irises appeared and she saw his eyes for the first time. "I'll be there when you need me."
"Okay..." Twilight said, unsure but grateful. The cold grew around her as he departed. "Thank you."
"Thank you, Twilight Sparkle." The fiery pony continued back into the tomb and vanished. And then, just as Twilight turned around, she heard his voice in her head.
"There's something up ahead for you, a vision of sorts."
"What kind of vision?"
"I don't know. This tomb was meant to test the rulers of the new Equestria, to see if they could tame the elements. Only the royal family has ever set hoof here."
"Wait... royal family like Blueblood? Or..."
"He is not of the Royal Family. Only the ponies that carry the blood of the Fausticorn herself have come through here."
Those words echoed in Twilight's mind. "So... wait," she looked down at her own hooves. And then up at her wings. And even her mane. "Does that mean..."
"Go now, Twilight Sparkle. Your friends are waiting for you. Together, you may be able to save your family."
"My family," Twilight repeated. The first thing that came to mind was her mom, dad and Shining and Cadence. She'd just visited her parents before she went on vacation. But as she kept thinking about that word, about 'family', the picture kept growing in her mind. Spike, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity and all her friends, then Dan, Chrys, Fluffle Puff, Marksaline, it kept growing. So many she shared a bond with, so many had an impact in her life.
"My family," she said again, more resolved. Yes, and she was going to get them all back, no matter what. Vice Grip was going to pay. A fire began burning in her once again, a fact possibly attributed to her new friend and Dan. Wherever he was, she had to find him- no doubt he would be proud of her if he saw her right now.
She picked up the pace, trotting down the long corridor of the tomb. Finally, she reached a door, which looked oddly similar to the one she and Spike had seen in the Crystal Empire. She did not hesitate; with a deep breath, she gripped it surely with her magic, pulled it into her hoof and opened it.
"Oh... my," she whispered to herself.
In front of her stood a tree on a hill. The tree glowed brilliantly as if it was covered in gems. The sky above didn't seem to have many stars as the jewels that gleamed on the tree, and that fact actually gnawed at Twilight as she pondered it. But it was only a fleeting thought before it was gone, and she beheld another sight.
Two ponies, a mare and a stallion, approached the tree. Their bodies glowed as brightly as the tree itself- the mare in a vibrant swirl of purple, blue and pink and the stallion in a radiant orange, red and yellow. They seemed young-looking, and were apparently a couple, if Twilight had to guess.
Twilight wasn't sure if she was watching an actual event unfolding or the representation of something. If she had to guess, she'd choose the latter, but something about it felt like she was being shown these things this way for a reason. The orange stallion was a pegasus and the purple mare was a unicorn. A group of seeds loosened from the tree behind them and glowed. Suddenly, the scene changed.
The two figures planted the first seed in a new location, a planet devoid of life. They tended to it with care and it slowly began to sprout. The land began to bloom into life around them. Above them, a large glowing light appeared in the sky. The two looked at it longingly for a moment, and held each other, before they faded away and the vision changed again.
The second seed was planted on a desert world with sparse vegetation. The two ponies worked hard to care for the seed, and it nearly withered away. But after a long time, they were successful, and the desert world, too began to bloom with life. Castles sprang up in the background. The glowing ball of light that appeared behind them was further away now but still there. The two watched it before the stallion figure pulled them away, and they flew off again together.
A third seed was planted on a hostile world filled with beasts. The fourth took purchase surrounded by a massive storm. The two ponies clung to each other while protecting the sprout until it too, finally grew and the storm subsided.
The two ponies frolicked and played as the trees around the galaxy grew and evolved. Each one was a bit different, but all had the same markings on it, the old symbol for Harmony that Twilight had seen in the books. The five Elements and the sixth Element of Harmony in the center, these were Trees of Harmony, Twilight thought. These two ponies were planting them on other planets to give them their own harmony.
The trees were not the only things that grew. The two figures themselves changed. Their colors became more solid, their forms larger, they were growing up. They changed from a pegasus and a unicorn into two alicorns. Through it all, they seemed to stay together. It was then Twilight realized what she was being shown a vision of: the king and queen of Equestria, Celestia and Luna's parents.
The small circle of light that the pair had pined for diminished with each passing world. Eventually, it became one of the blanket of stars that scoured the night sky. The two ponies no longer looked back, they looked forward. More seeds began to circle them, but they were not the same seeds of harmony, but new seeds entirely. Something all too sinister was happening to them.
Massive roots began to encircle planets. Petals of some sort of giant flower began to consume entire stars and then burn brightly with their light. The colossal flowers spat jets of light from their petals that incinerated planets, while their roots tangled through solar systems.
Entire worlds began being dragged by glowing vines. Dozens of alien species looked up in horror as their stars disappeared, their planets became ensnared and their homes destroyed. Glowing roots shackled their hands, feet, wings, tentacles and other appendages. The entire galaxy became ensnared by the glowing trees, and the roots continued growing, spreading out, searching, hungry for more.
The tiny light that was Equestria was small now and surrounded by a vast and haunting forest. It was somewhat how Ponyville was cradled by the Everfree Forest, only much larger and far more dangerous.
Finally, the scene returned to the original Tree of Harmony. It was now in a dark cave, hidden from the stars. Was it also hidden from the king and queen, then? A cloaked figure that could have been Dan, could have been Vice Grip, even could have been the Director approached the tree. They took a single seed from the tree and it glowed red in their metallic hands, as red as a Sword Spell.
Twilight woke up. Her heart was racing, she gulped each breath down to fill her lungs.
"Hey hey, calm down," someone told her. "And try to keep your voice down, too."
"Where-where am I?" She looked around. She was in a hospital bed. There was a window near her, but it seemed to have some sort of mesh screen over it that she couldn't see out of.
The curtain in front of her pulled back. A blue donkey mare put a tray with water and a piece of some kind of what Twilight assumed was food on a nightstand next to her.
"You're in the infirmary. You must've been responsive if they moved you here- you were in a coma when they first found you."
"I was in a coma?" Twilight repeated. She felt her head, her horn, then the rest of her, inspecting herself for damage. She seemed to be okay, no worse for wear.
"Yes, for about three months. And try to keep your voice down, sweetie. There's a riot in progress going on around here."
"A riot?" Twilight asked, not keeping her voice down. "Where are we?"
Dan and friends were all happy to see Doctor Whooves getting the upper hoof on the Mechbeth. Despite the danger, the Doctor had braved it to save them all from certain destruction, charging head-first and jumping on the flying creature like it was a raging mechanical flying bull. A bull with a massive claw that launched armor-piercing spears.
"Doctor Whooves is finally back to his old self," Phoenix remarked. He smiled. "I don't know whether I should be glad or deeply, deeply concerned."
"Eeyep. Something like that, Nicky. Definitely one of those two, but anyway, Doctor Whooves is back," Dan said confidently. Then he immediately followed it with, "Ten bits says he falls off that thing."
"Well, at least Rarity can catch him if he does," Phoenix said.
"Hold that thought. Spears again!" Dan shouted. Another volley of spears rained down on them but a lot less precise than before. Doctor Whooves was apparently having an effect on the Mechbeth. Rarity's shield deflected the few that would've come close to the passengers.
On the Mechbeth itself, Doctor Whooves was indeed back to his old Doctor-y self. Using the magically-enhanced spears, he ripped his way through the machine's armor. Designed to resist magical, energy and ballistic weapons, the Mechbeth's armor was nearly impervious to attacks. Like Rice's Magic Gears, they were not impervious to themselves.
Of course, the now-once-again-good Doctor didn't really notice this; he was too busy using the spears to rip apart the machinery of the Mechbeth bit by bit.
"Ha-hahaha! You'll have to excuse me, mammoth moth, but I didn't bring my giant fly swatter with me, but rest assured! Your insides will be on display just the same!" He ripped into the metal of its back until finally, some wires exposed themselves.
The Doctor was good at rewiring things. In most universes(and most timelines in said universes) followed similar principles of wiring. Smaller, longer wires generally went to subsystems and larger wires were for more critical systems and the power supply. The smallest and usually clustered bunches of wires and cables were reserved for internal security and control, so if one unplugged or rewired those, they could gain control of the machine very easily... or transfer that control to something else.
Instinctively, he reached for his trademarked sonic screwdriver. The handy little tool had saved his life on more than one occasion and was useful for many things, including delicately tampering with robots. But it wasn't there, he remembered, having lost it to Rice Puddinghead while trying to break out Twilight and the others.
But instead of breaking down in that moment of recalling his failure, he laughed. And that was when the machine powered down on its own.
"What's going on?" Phoenix asked.
"I don't know. Who touched something?" Dan asked, turning around twice. They all lurched forward hard as the train's wheels began screeching.
"Now arriving: Bursavis Prison Complex. All visitors, please have proper identification ready and all prisoners, please be ready to surrender your freedom. Have a nice day."
The train rapidly ground to a halt. Just before it did, it entered a larger building, and continued on into it, grinding and screeching all the while, until it finally stopped.
"Well, we're here," Phoenix announced.
"AAAAAAAHHH!!"
"You owe me ten bits, Nicky. Rarity?"
"I've got him!" The lady pony caught the falling Doctor.
"Ahhhh... umm, thank you, my lady."
Rarity smiled. "Just returning the favor. But you're more than welcome, dearie." She carefully let him down. Behind them, the Mechbeth crashed and slid off the top of the train.
"Please stand clear of the do-Please stand clear of the do-Please stand clear of the do-Please stand clear of the do-"
The doors to leave the train malfunctioned and sparked. A gash ran through the top of it and had likely severed something sensitive. One side of the door tried to move while the other did nothing.
"Door's not working," Phoenix stated the obvious. (Really hope they don't bill us for all of this. Or try to sue us when we don't pay.)
"Nicky, Stevie, boost me up. We'll climb out through the sunroof."
"Dan, this train doesn't have a sunroof." And even as Cap said that, Dan was dragging one of the spears to widen the hole in the ceiling.
"It does no-" Dan was about to say, then was immediately cut off.
"Please stand clear of the do-Please stand clear of the doerzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt*"
A pink beam of light stabbed its way through the door. Slowly, it began to cut upward, severing the door from its hinges before disappearing again. And in through stepped a familiar face.
"Well well well," an equally-familiar voice said. "I do hope we enjoyed the ride."
"Sammy!" Dan exclaimed. Arms thrown wide, he rushed right over to embrace his donkey friend. "I was wondering when you were going to-GRRRGH!"
Samule L. Jackson smiled widely at Dan. While choking his windpipe. "It's nice to see you too, Dan. You know, I was just thinking I should stop by for a visit. To Equestria. Remember?"
Dan did remember, but was having trouble speaking with Samule's hoof clamped around his throat and was more preoccupied by trying to flail and claw at it for breath.
"There's just one little problem I encountered, Dan. It seems Equestria... isn't there any more. Why isn't it there, Dan?"
"We blew it up-
"I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GODDAMN THING," Samule shouted at the incredibly talented Phil LaMarr. I mean Phoenix Wright.
"Excuse me, kind sir-" Captain America said, approaching Samule. And those were two things he shouldn't have done: approach Samule L. Jackson and try to speak to him.
"I'm sorry- do I look like a 'kind sir'? Does this- what I'm doing to your friend look like something a 'kind sir' would do to you?"
"N-no-"
"NO, no it does not. Get the fuck back, blue beetle. Now Dan, I asked you a question," Samule said, "Do you remember... Equestria?"
Dan nodded.
"Oh good! I'm so glad you do. Do you remember who was in charge of train security in Equestria?"
"Excuse me," Doctor Whooves interrupted, which everybody thought was a bad idea. "I see you're getting acquainted with our friend's voice box, but perhaps I could facilitate a more beneficial arrange-"
"Who the fuck said you could talk? Limey motherfucker- oh wait," he dropped Dan. And pulled out his lightsaber. "You're the one he just wrecked our new security device."
"O-oh dear," Whooves said. "I believe I can explain."
"Explain? What does Princess Luna look like?"
"Wh-what?"
Samule ripped the sofa off the floor, flipping it over in one single, violent move. "What country are you from?"
"What?"
"WHAT?" Samule repeated, ""What" ain't no country I ever heard of. They speak english in What?"
Doctor Whooves tripped and wound up with his back to the wall. He could only ask, "What?"
"ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?"
He nodded. "Y-yes!"
"Then you know what I'm saying. DESCRIBE what Princess Luna LOOKS LIKE."
But the Doctor didn't understand. "What?!"
Samule L. Jackson stabbed the wall an inch from his neck. "Say what again- I dare you, I DOUBLE-dare you, motherfucker- Say WHAT one more goddamn time."
"Sammy!" Dan exclaimed again, and patted him on the shoulder. "How ya been, buddy? Great to see you!"
And everyone else was shocked at Dan's bizarre gesture towards the enraged donkey. But Dan kept doing it, patting his back repeatedly as if he didn't know he was patting an unstable brick of TNT.
Samule slowly turned to Dan. "Stop. Touching. Me."
"Sammy, why are you acting so grumpy? Put the toy down," Dan said, and grabbed his other hoof and gently encouraged him to lower his lightsaber. "See? That's better?"
"Th-thank you, D-Dan."
"Chin up, Doco, get off the floor. This is my good friend Mr. Samule L. Jackson."
"Good friend. Right," Samule rolled his eyes.
"At least you stopped him before he started quoting the Bible," Chris said.
"Shhhh. That's done now. Right Sammy?" Dan grinned while the bald donkey just glared back at him. "Still? Seriously, what's gotten up your jackass?"
"Dan," he began, "do you happen to recall what I told you the last time you were on one of my trains?"
"Uhhhhhhh..."
"Remain. Seated," Samule stated in a way that could be only described as Samuel L. Jackson. Yes, you read that right. He turned and began making his way out of the train car.
"Well, c'mon, that was a long time ago. It's not like you even knew we were in Donquestria," Dan said.
"I did," Samule casually countered. "Who do you think sent this train to get you in the first place?"
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," went everybody else.
"Exactly. But you didn't remain in the passenger car and crossed cabins WITHOUT waiting for a designated safe transit period and armed the security system WHILE it was updating!" Samule yelled.
"Y-yeah," Phoenix said, rubbing his neck again. "We're sorry about that."
"Yeah, I'm sure you are. Not only that, you destroyed your country's rail lines, completely wrecking what passes for the power system here and threw everything else out of whack," Samule said.
"So, wait," Phoenix said, "You KNEW we were in Donquestria?"
"Mm-hmm," he said, leading them all out of the train and onto the platform. "Moment you left Appleloosa, as a matter of fact. My job as chief of security is to know who's coming and who's going in my kingdom."
"Then why didn't you send the train earlier?"
"As I said," he stopped to adjust his boots. It was just then Phoenix and Dan realized he was wearing body armor. He picked up a helmet that had been one by one of the benches on the platform. "The power system is currently out of whack. Our two nations have shared a power grid, which runs along the railroad lines, so by destroying your country, you also took ours down a few notches, too."
"Ohhh... crap," Phoenix said.
"Hey, Sammy, we're sorry about that," Dan said. "To be fair, that was mostly me."
"Mm-hmm. And who tore up my train?"
"Mostly me."
"And who's going to be paying me back?"
"Mostly... well, all of us," Dan said.
"You're goddamn right," he said, slapping his helmet on. "Speaking of which, you all might want to stop by the armory before we head into the prison, get the right accessories. Toys, as you say. There's a riot in progress."
"C-can I move now?" Doctor Whooves asked.
"Yes, Doctor," everybody else said.
"That lasted long. You still owe me ten bits, Nicky."
That was the question Phoenix asked. Dan just figured that it was a prison, so a riot wasn't unexpected. He'd started a few riots, both intentionally and not, and was more used to being a part of them rather than shutting them down.
"Remember that little power issue I said we'd been having?" Samule asked.
"Yes, and we're still sorry about that," Phoenix said. The group equipped themselves with riot gear- body armor mostly, and the gear was clearly meant for donkeys only. The standard riot armor looked like it had been crudely adapted from Fallout: New Vegas... because it had. The only difference were the helmets, which were more cylindrical and bucket-shaped.
"Hey, you fended off Vice Dickhead's dog thugs, you did good in my book," Dan said. As it put back on his shoe, he noticed one of the foodimals, the hot dog foodimal, had somehow managed to follow them. The creature innocently walked up to him and began licking his shoe.
Samule L. Jackson looked over his shoulder at Dan. "Keep that thought in mind." He waited for them to finish gearing up before taking the center of the room. "I don't know what you all have heard about this place, but only the worst of the worst are sent here. The further down you go, the worse it gets, and no one goes to the very bottom."
"What exactly has gone on?" Dan asked.
Samule unfurled a map and took to pointing at it with the hilt of his saber. "This is the Bursavis Prison Complex. It's called Complex for a reason."
"I've seen prisons like this before. Beyond maxsec. You're not just containing criminals here- you've got biological containment units," Chris Redfield said. "This armor is specced to prevent contamination and infection. So the question is, what exactly are you keeping here?"
"And how did it escape?" Doctor Whooves asked.
"As I said- the worst of the worst," Samule said. His voice was nothing but serious. "Your friend Barro hit the complex with some sort of orbital blast, punched right through the surface. I have no idea what it broke, but nastiness I don't even want to describe has been spewing out ever since."
"What kind of 'nastiness'?" Dan asked.
Samule looked up at him. "You'll see," was his only reply. Which ticked Dan off, but Samule wasn't someone even Dan could really argue with.
The donkey pointed at the complex again. "The prison is divided into four sections."
"Just like the rest of the country," Whooves commented. Samule looked up at him. "Sorry, sorry. You can go ahead."
"We've lost power in all but one- this one. Power normally comes through the rail lines from our four major cities but since the damn dogs attacked, the lines have been disconnected. Without power, the cell doors, the locks, the defenses, the lights- nothing works," Samule explained.
"So why do we have power here?" Dan asked. As he did, the lights flickered.
Samule glared at him. "There are four backup generators in each of the four complex hubs- arrayed out here. That orbital strike took us down to one working backup. I need you to get to the backup generators and reactivate them, repair them, do whatever it takes to get them back on before the prison gets overrun."
The prison complex was shaped like a diamond with four rounded points. Each point was a control station for the prison as well as an intake/processing center, a guard post, armory and staging area. The entire complex itself was the size of a large city; Ponyville could've fit easily inside the points along with Cloudsdale and room to spare. In the center of the prison was the main yard, a massive formerly-enclosed area encircled by the prison. Barro's orbital shot had hit the prison dead-center, punching a hole through to the lower levels and further disrupting power systems.
In truth, the prison complex was the 'mouth' of the Spiral Staircase, the Donquestrian space-launching cannon. Cells were built underneath the main prison yard and well inside and beneath the walls. Very literally, the entire prison was inside the cannon itself. The four control points were originally the controls for the cannon, which maneuvered inside the colossal bowl which served as its housing.
"So you basically need us to replace some fuses. Is that it?"
"In layman's terms," Samule said, standing up. He was a tall donkey. "The generators are on top of each of the hubs. You'll want to avoid going through the main yard, though."
Dan stood up. "And why is that?"
"That would be where most of the nastiness is currently. Mostly," Samule said. He got up himself and ignited his traditional Mace Windu-style taser-saber. Half taser, half lightsaber, it served to make the intimidating donkey that much more intimidating. "I can't spare any more men to get the power back on. Do it as quickly as possible and maybe, MAYBE we have a chance of saving what's left of the planet."
"Right," Dan clapped his hands, looked down at the map, and then looked back up at the gang. "We forgot to ask him where Tartarus is."
Smash cut to Dan exploding out of the door to the armory yelling, "SAMMY! SAMMY, WAIT!" But Samule was running back the other way.
"RUN, DUMBASS, RUN- GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE NOW!!"
Dan turned back around just in time to see something that almost, ALMOST caused him to pause, but thankfully didn't quite stop him. At first, it seemed like the walls of the prison had somehow caved in and transformed into a thick liquid that was rushing towards him, but then, he realized it was something else. A dark, purple sludge rushed towards him. Phoenix and Cap had time to see it and pull him back in and shut the door before it rushed past them.
"What the hell is that shit?"
Classic Corrosive Consuming Corrupting Chemical Concoction The Smooze(G1) The Original Witch's Brew
Something bad is back again Sure has been a long time since then But hardcore fans still remember when It was Equstria's fight to lose!
We may have been gone quite a while But we're back and coming down the aisle! It's time to scream, there's no time to smile! Because NO-THING CAN STOP The Smooze!
This here Smooze is number-one Made with proper ingredients by the tonne! No since even tryin' to run! From our deadly slimy fun!
You might say we've held a grudge Passed over, forgotten and completely misjudged! But we're back with our favorite sludge On that we'd never budge!
Centuries, we've had to toil Watching other villains' plots foiled But if it's one thing that never spoils, It's our favorite ooze!
So now we invite our pony foes! And those humans they brought along, because anything goes! Dan and friends better hide and cover your nose! Because NO-THING CAN STOP THE SMOOOOOOOZE!!!
"The other door!" Phoenix shouted quickly, his mind working as fast as it could to avoid danger.
"It's seeping through!"
"What is?" Rarity asked, but there was no time to answer her.
"MOVE! NOW!"
"Bow... boo... boh... bow..." The Smooze burbled its way into the room. The gooey substance would form eyes when it felt it needed to in order to plan where it oozed forth next. Smooze was very much alive and a singular entity, although it could manifest different, independent forms for itself.
First it only trickled in a little, but quickly began pouring in.
"GET OUTTA HERE NOW!" Dan was the last person through the other door, leading to the adjoining hallway before the first door busted open. Although the walls, floor and ceiling of the prison complex were made of some sturdier metal, the doors and frames were not, having been added after the original structure's construction.
They began running. "We need to go up! Now!" Cap yelled.
Dan unfurled the map as he ran. "Uhh... uhhh-"
"Where do we go, Dan?!" Rarity asked.
"Which way?" Doctor Whooves added.
And behind them, taking up the gentlemanly rear were Tux and Reginald. They were the last to exit the armory, but the first to notice the Smooze following them.
"Must go faster... must go faster!" Tuxley advised.
"I can't read the map until we slow down!"
"Give it to me!" Chris shouted.
"Why? You've got a gun!"
"That's not gonna help against slime!"
"WE DON'T KNOW THAT!" Dan yelled. The two argued and fought over the map as they ran. "We need to upstairs!!"
"How 'bout those stairs?" Cap pointed ahead. A spiral staircase was down the hall and directly ahead of them.
"Yeah that'll work," Dan said. And then a wave of Smooze cut across the intersection in front of them.
"WE'RE TRAPPED!" Whooves screamed. Until Dan jumped on top of him.
"JUMP IT! JUMP THE SLUDGE- GO! GO! YAH, PONY, YAH!!"
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEEEE!" Doctor Whooves was still a pony. Almost all ponies, pretty much all ponies, reacted to being heeled in the abdomen with a quick jolt forward. It was similar to the reflex responses in humans and right now, it was what they needed.
The Doctor leaped over the Smooze and skidded into a turn. "DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, JUST GO!"
"Alleyoop, Nick!"
"Wha-oh boy!" Captain America grabbed the lawyer and put him on his own shoulders. With his tremendous strength, he jumped over the rising tide of Smooze. This was followed by Rarity and Redfield, leaving only the two gentlemen behind.
"Sir, may I perhaps ask for your support?"
"With all due haste, Reginald, please."
"Of course, sir."
"Mind the vest, Reginald."
"But of course, sir."
Being the larger of the pair, Sir Tuxley allowed Sir Reginald to ride him. The dinosaur charged towards the sludge and took one giant leap over it. Unfortunately, they were just a bit too late.
The Smooze manifested its gooey form and reached for the pair as they soared overhead. The first hand was too low and missed, but it quickly produced another and another. By the time the pair were descending to the floor, the Smooze was ready to grab them.
And at the last moment, Rarity's aura appeared around the two and carried them up and over the Smooze. The sludgy creature reached out further but thankfully missed.
"Good job, Rarity!"
"Thank you so much, Miss." "Yes, thank you."
"Up the stairs!" Dan led the others up to the second level just as the Smooze began filling the corridor. It didn't stop until it was up to the ceiling. The gang didn't stop until they were on the top floor.
"This way, senor! Quickly!" At the top of the stairs, a pair of donkeys pulled the group through one by one and then slammed the door behind them.
They all backed away from the door, eyes on the crevice between it and the floor. Thankfully, nothing bubbled through, this time. Apart from a few prrring foodimals, all was quiet.
"Lucid! Hey, thanks for helping us out," Phoenix said.
The yellow donkey offered a slight bow. "I do what I can, senor, but we are losing ground."
They were all still catching their breath, including Dan, who had his hands on his knees. But still, he looked up and asked, "What's with the accent?"
"Que? What accent, amigo?"
"The Spanish accent," Cap said.
"Broken Spanish accent," Chris corrected.
Lucid shook his head. "I do not know what you mean, senors."
"Wait wait wait," Doctor Whooves said, "What is your name, mi amigo?" The Doctor could do Spanish as well. Kind-of.
"I am El Capitan Louis El-Cid, of the guards of the New Troy," the donkey stated with some amount of pride in his voice.
Phoenix nodded to himself, biting his lip. "Captain Louis-Cid. Lu-cid."
"We were duped again!" Dan exclaimed angrily. "That means those donkeys guarding the wall weren't really guarding anything!"
"Then WHY did they let us in?" Cap asked.
"Because!" Dan said. But he had nothing. "Because..."
"Unless!" Doctor Whooves picked up where he left off and pointed, "Unless that WAS the real Lucid and YOU are the impostor, senor!"
He paused. "I must apologize, senors. I have truly no idea what you are talking about." The yellow donkey looked confused, genuinely confused, while the rest of them were a range between skeptical and perplexed.
Dan opened his mouth to say something, then realized he didn't know what to say. So he said, "I HATE deceptions. It makes it harder to figure out who to get revenge on later."
"Either way, this isn't the time to start friction between each other," Chris said. "We need to contain this outbreak, no matter what side we're on. If we don't, this sludge will probably kill us all."
"Grrrrrrrr," Dan growled, knowing he was right. But then, he said, "No."
"No?"
"NO! This is the PERFECT time for one of Chip Clip's spies to do us in, to toss us out and get eaten by that muck out there!" Dan said. "If we suspect ANYBODY is with him, there's no choice."
"Dan, darling, realistically-"
"Duct tape," was Dan's only reply.
Captain Louis El-Cid, or Lucid, was tied up and propped up next to the door. It was against his own protests, and they were pretty sure he cursed them in Spanish at least a few times. But they tried to do it as kindly as possible before continuing on. They were partly down the hallway, just outside of Lucid's sight before another group of guards came running for them.
"Hey! Hey, it's you guys!" Except they weren't donkey guards. They were humans.
"Oh, great. How in the hell did you guys get here?"
The Imperials from the Appleloosa stadium approached them. Kelsan, the officer, was the first to greet them. "Same as you, I presume. By train."
"When we were underground, you rain," Phoenix said. "In the opposite direction. And there was only one way out."
"We doubled back around."
"And who are those guys with you?"
A pair of black armored troopers were behind them. Like the Imperials, they had met Dan before. "Hi."
"..."
"That guy doesn't talk?" Dan gestured.
"Not really, no," Dollars said.
Phoenix looked at Dan, shyly grinning. Rarity, Captain America and Doctor Whooves all did the same.
Dan sighed. "You are ALL lucky I'm out of duct tape."
The Imperial officer smiled. "How charming. Might I suggest we deal with the apocalyptic accumulation of grime before it swallows the planet?"
"Yes, please, lead on," Captain America said. "I'll make sure Dan does not duct tape any of you."
"You can't make that promise, Stevie."
Dan was actually grateful they had the troopers to lead them; the whole place was a maze. Although it was a prison, it still had aesthetics that made it seem like a castle or a palace, as could be expected in Equestria. Even fortresses and bunkers had some decor in Equestria. They passed multiple busts, statues and portraits of various figures. As they kept going, they began to see more and more of them, until they turned a corner and found themselves in what looked like a gallery. A different kind of gallery.
"A villain's gallery," Dan remarked. He nodded. "Not too shabby. That's not a bad idea, actually."
"A rogue's gallery," Chris Redfield said. Stretching all the way down the corridor and lining both sides were statues of villains. Except, they weren't statues.
Dan slowed down and walked up to one of them. "Wow! Hey Nicky, get over here!" The lawyer joined him. "Look who it is!"
A statue of a mare seated on an ornate chair looked outward with a sly grin on her face. Behind her glasses were a pair of cunning eyes, eyes that held their own level of smugness. The mare sat with her legs crossed, human-like, forelegs on each of the forearms of the chair as if waiting for something. Her wavy mane matched her tail, and draped over the cloak that itself draped over the back of the chair. At the base of the statue read her name: Amber Afterglow- aka The Darchivist.
"Is that... is that really the Darchivist?" Phoenix asked. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Okay, this IS kind of cool."
"What are you talking- oh!" Rarity stopped. "Oh- my, it really is her! If only Rainbow and Twilight were here."
"Or Daring Do," Dan said. And they all nodded at that.
Amber Afterglow had been the royal archivist of Canterlot, the predecessor to Sunset Shimmer and one of the most respected unicorns in Equestria. Unfortunately, her love of knowledge led her to seek forbidden knowledge, including the Alicorn Amulet and other cursed artifacts. The legendary bronze mare became one of Equestria's most nefarious villains, adopting the moniker of the Darchivist, collector of dark artifacts, until she was stopped by none other than Daring Do.
The main antagonist of Daring Do and the Dangers of The Darkest Archive, Daring Do and the Race to Rampart's Ruins, Daring Do and the Secrets of the Sunken Shadows and finally, Afterglow: A Daring Do Story, it wasn't until the end of the second book that her identity was revealed as the Darchivist. But before that, the most shocking revelation had already been revealed, but not yet realized; Amber Afterglow is Daring Do's mother.
"I don't think this is exactly the best time to wake her up and ask for an autograph," Captain America advised.
" Keep it moving, back there. The power generator is one level above us," Kelsan said.
"We have a few Engineers keeping it working, but it hasn't been easy," Dollars said. Neither he nor Dan knew that Dan still had his shotgun. "We were dealing with a riot before the Smooze broke out. Honestly, I'm not sure which I'd rather be dealing with right now."
Phoenix was listening, but he was also looking. Seeing one villain was enough to peak his interest. "Does this remind you of anything?" (Definitely something recent.)
"This looks like the museum under Appleloosa," Rarity said. "The one that had a picture of my boutique. My home."
Doctor Whooves patted her shoulder, comforting her but encouraging her on.
"It's almost like these places were built by the same ponies," Phoenix mused. "Or... the same pony."
"Or people. Or person," Dan said. "But that one had exhibits. This one has... bad guys."
Tuxley adjusted his top hat. "My... our museum. THE museum, is quite similar. Both the arena and this prison have a similar layout, as does the Castle of the Two Sisters."
Dan nodded. "And the back storeroom of that Tesco."
"Why would they all have the same construction?" Rarity asked. "Why would someone design so many different things with the same principle in mind?"
"The same reason you're fond of the Carousel Boutique- love," Phoenix Wright said. He touched one of the statues. "These statues are the prisoners." An eclair foodimal along with the hot dog one appeared at the foot of one of the statues. They looked up at Phoenix with innocent eyes.
"Whoever built these places, who collected all these things, all these ponies and everything, they did it with... love," Dan said, matter-of-factly. And that was all he said before moving on.
Back at the other end of the corridor, further back than any of them could see, one of the foodimals picked at the duct tape. It had been ripped apart and left behind.
The Smooze may have been self-aware, but it wasn't exactly smart. The all-consuming muck had managed to consume the main yard in the center of the prison and several of the interior hallways. Then, apparently it got lost.
"Does anyone have any directions?" "I don't." "Where are you going?" "Me? I was following you." "Was not!" "Get out of my way!" "You're in MY way!"
The animated sludge bickered with itself while making no progress. No one knew how long it would continue arguing with itself, but it probably would at some point find its way through the maze of the prison complex and escape to consume Equestria. Bets were being taken by the guards- popular ones included "soon-ish" and "fucking never."
Meanwhile, the only one with an actual map was Dan. And he'd been distracted myself.
"Nicky, get over here."
(I feel like a nanny.)
"Okay, stand right here, and I'll get right here," Dan said. The two took up position on the sides of Count Graye-Daye Le Class'ae, a former Canterlot noble who tried to take over Equestria by schmoozing with royals and then blackmailing them with their own secrets. He was a notoriously well-dressed purple pony with a gray-white mane and silver mustache.
"Yes, yes, take your pictures while the world is falling apart around us, good show," Kelsan mocked. "We do NOT have time for this."
"Alright Doc, take the picture," Dan said, putting on his best smile. Which was still slightly sinister and creepy in its own way.
Doctor Whooves shivered, but recovered quickly. "Right." He looked around, then back to Dan. "We don't have a camera."
"Oh," Dan said, deflated. He rubbed the smug-grinning pony statue on the head. His tupee fell off and shattered on the floor. "Next time, Nicky, we're bringing a camera."
"Can we PLEASE get going?" Dollars asked.
Chris slid up next to the ODST. "Hey, if you guys have room for another, I'm a pretty decent shot. Resourceful, too."
Dollars rubbed his neck. "Yeah, I appreciate it, but we kinda work better alone."
"You're in a pair."
"We work better alone... together."
Chris rolled his eyes and shook it off. The other black-armored ODST said nothing, which was expected. Chris Redfield had realized another thing their intrepid group all had in common: they were what they appeared they were. From Dan's JERK shirt to Captain America wearing the flag of the U.S.A., they all wore their hearts on their sleeves. Even he did, with his old S.T.A.R.S. patch on his arm.
They traveled down that darkened hall, forced onward by the threat behind them, led by a man who seemed to deliver redemption from revenge. Led on like weary disciples following an angry missionary on his destined pilgrimage, all of them gladly martyrs for this innocent land on a search for salvation through unholy insanity. They were already judged, had been judged and wore judgement like a flag on their hides and in their tongues. Whether marked on their backsides or in some other way, they were all My Little Ponies. Not unforgiving nor final was it, but the active measure of their worth laid bare, an unspoken and natural grace in this world.
But it would be this world's last grace. From the falling white snow to the rising black tide, from the brown wall they scaled to the tan sands they crossed, from the steel horse they road to the gray halls they walked now, they bore witness to Equestria's final act. The curtain falls as it must. Forestalled no longer, the Director makes the final cut.
"It's about motherfuckin' time!"
"Sammy!" Dan exclaimed.
The armored donkey rolled his eyes. "Get your asses up here before you break something else."
"Hey, it's not our fault the Smooze is..." Dan was about to finish that thought when Samule's glare finished it for him. "Alright, lead the way. Nice to see you survived too, by the way."
"Get up the stairs," he shook his head.
The garrison was a series of round rooms with the generator on top. Wires had been attached to the ceiling and connected the generator to the rest of the complex. The backup generators had all been added long after the facility had been converted into a prison; the Spiral Staircase originally received power from the four main cities of Donquestria.
"Why is this place built like a museum?" Phoenix asked.
"Because it IS a museum. Or it was before we started locking scum up in here," Samule said. He wasn't aggressive now, but sounded tired. Not physically tired, but exhausted with this situation. "Place hasn't been used for its original purpose in a thousand years. But we took steps to make sure it was never completely forgotten."
The room directly above the first gallery of villains was yet another gallery, but of weapons. Specifically, guns. Before they entered, Samule spun around.
"I suppose telling you all not to touch anything is a bit of a moot point, isn't it?"
"What?" Dan asked defensively. "We're not going to touch an- oh good gravy." Dan's eyes beheld a wondrous sight; while he'd never been much for guns, he was much for firepower. And he saw plenty of firepower.
"Is that?"
"The Man With The Golden Gun's golden gun, yes," Samule said. "This place was originally built by the New Baltimare Gun Club. Their members collected guns, catapults, cannons, slingshots, pretty much everything that could launch something through the air."
The room was filled with glass cases. In those cases were guns- various guns from throughout history. An impressive collection if ever there was one, and in the center was hitman Francisco Scaramanga's golden gun, fully-assembled. Near that was a Phoenix International Samurai Laser, a Moonraker Laser, both of which Dan had seen before.
Chris rubbed his hand over one of the cases. "Nathan Drake's golden AK."
"Yeah, I thought that was cool, too. It makes you think, doesn't it?" Dollars asked, looking around. "Who else has been here, you know?"
Chris looked at the man. "Who are you again?"
The trooper shouldered his rifle. "Oh uh, I'm Dollars."
"Is that a codename?"
"Yeaaaah," he rubbed his neck. "It's a long story. We're with the UNSC. 9th Shock Trooper Battalion, me and Jake. Er, Lieutenant Jacob Hood."
"UNSC, huh?" Cap asked, coming up from behind them. "I've had a run-in or two with you guys."
Chris gestured to the stormtroopers, the Imperial ones and Kelsan. "You with them?"
"Not... really. They got shot down like us but, hey, I mean, we're all working together now, right?" He looked around. Dollars' partner was casually examining a gatling gun from Red Dead Redemption. Despite the fact it hadn't been used in over a hundred year, it looked pristine, as did everything else.
"You're SURE we can't take a couple things?" Dan asked.
"Oh sure Dan, I'd be very glad to let you take a couple things. You can take a broken arm and a few broken ribs. How does that sound?"
"Haha, okay Sammy, that's enough with the threats," Dan said. "Usually I'M the one who says that stuff anyway, so you're basically borrowing my lines."
Samule stepped up to him. "Am I? Well I'm certainly sorry you-"
And Dan stepped right back. "I said that's enough." The two faced each other, both of them armored aside from Dan's face mask. So he did something about it.
Dan reached up and grabbed Samule's face mask, to look at the donkey eye-to-eye. Before he could remove it, the donkey officer grabbed him by the wrist. But Dan simply flicked his hand and rather than yanking it off, snapped it back and let it fall to the ground. Samule L. Jackson did not flinch. Neither did Dan, however.
The room was silent for the better part of a minute. "I'm taking one thing."
Defeated, Samule sighed. "Fine. When you're finished, meet me upstairs."
"Everybody, follow him," Dan ordered. "I'll be right behind you."
There were a few reluctant glances but most followed the donkey to the generator. Phoenix walked with the others to the stairway to the roof, but then turned around to join Dan.
Dan was huddled over one case in particular and, to his word, was looting the contents. But he was also talking to someone on some kind of communicator.
"And how far away is that in miles?"
"Quite a few. Suffice to say, we're still relatively close by."
"Yeah, well, REMAIN relatively close by until we need you."
"That's about all we can do for now. Out."
Dan closed the communicator. "Nicky, over here."
"Who was that you were talking to?"
"Someone's listening in on us, Nicky. I'm not sure who but the walls have ears."
Phoenix looked around. "So, we're not taking any of these... museum pieces?"
"We're taking one- this," Dan opened the case he was leaning on. Inside was a Desert Eagle, one used by a very specific individual. A faded picture of three men standing over the carcass of a subterranean monster was next to it. On the back read: Perfection, NV
"Who is that?"
Dan picked up the picture and the gun. "He's a... well, let's just say I'm a fan of his. Here," he handed him the gun.
It was a big gun even for Phoenix. "I've uh, never really used this model."
"Well, neither have I but you're going to need to figure it out when the time comes." Dan took a long look at the picture, then carefully folded it and put it in his wallet. "Always be prepared."
This story is not sponsored by Raid: Shadow Legends.
At some other part of the prison...
"That's the last of them. We'll meet at the usual place."
"You think this is wise? Letting them all go with him?"
"He won't break a deal. We can trust him that much."
"This is more money than we've ever dealt with before. And we didn't get the Doctor."
"We can afford to let that one go. We'll be able to name our price with any one of the others now that the planet is doomed."
"Is it really?"
"Yes. It doesn't have long now."
"We're putting a lot on him. Are you sure he'll be able to break orbit? Will we?"
"That's the part you didn't know- Barro's the one that hired him."
"What? But that would mean..."
"There will always be parts you don't know. Remember that, Cobalt."
Upstairs, surprisingly, Dan found a few of the people he was looking for. And, on top of that, he was actually happy to see them.
"Colress!"
"Hello all. Hello Dan," the scientist said. Despite the circumstances, he was his usual calm and objective self. "As you can see, we're having a bit of a problem."
Behind him, several donkey guards and a few prisoners were turning the generator. Well, specifically, they were turning a wheel that rotated a motor that in turn powered the generator. They were powering the generator, and they were the only source of power at this point.
"I don't like where this is going."
"The generator is currently operating at eighty-three percent efficiency. Current power output is not sufficient for containment procedures."
"Thank you, very much. Did somebody program the little computer filly to state the obvious?" Samule asked sarcastically.
"Unlike yourself, the generator's inefficiency is not obvious."
"Knight!!" Dan exclaimed. "And your sisters!"
"Technically one sister. And mom."
"I could be mom-sister. We're robots, we can make up our own rules."
"Exterminate all organic life?" Everyone glared at Ace. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding, gosh. Act like every technological being is going to try to overthrow organic supremacy, why don't ya."
"If you want to exterminate anything, there is a large black puddle of living crap trying to consume us all. You could star there if you wanted to be helpful," Dan said.
Surrounding the garrison they were atop was a shield being produced by two aliens that hovered around the generator. Engineers, courtesy of Jake and Dollars, all that was left of their crew. The shield was being constantly bombarded by what would have otherwise appeared to be black hail, but was in fact the Smooze throwing parts of itself at the shield, trying to get it to collapse.
Phoenix spared a glance over the edge. "Well... I'm guessing there isn't any way we could just flush this stuff down one of the prison's shower drains, is there?"
"Nicky, that's a great idea. All the Smooze is stuck here, we could just turn this place into a giant toilet. Already smells like one to begin with," Dan remarked.
"Are you serious about the toilet thing?" Cap asked.
"Stevie, don't ask stupid questions."
"That doesn't answer my question."
"Because it was stupid, Stevie."
"So now," Samule began, "you see what we're up against. Only way to the other generators is across the top of the wall."
"But whoever does that will be target practice for the Smooze," Chris said.
Samule nodded. "Which is why we need someone to distract the sludge while the rest of us get to the generators. Once there, the little Magic Gears can fix them and the rest of us can turn them on and restore power to the facility."
Dan walked up to the precipice of the garrison. The central yard of the prison spanned out before him. Or, more precisely, it would have if it wasn't covered in a sea of Smooze. Much like the original pony valley had been covered in Smooze, the walls of the prison were containing the Smooze for now. Eventually though, the sentient sludge would find a way over and spread across Equestria.
The Smooze, like its name, grew in volume(both in liquid and singing volume) based on how much it covered, or smoozed. The more it covered, the more it grew and expanded outward, until the planet was covered in sludge. This didn't work with every surface, for some reason, and mostly applied to the actual surface ground of Equestria. Everything about Equestria underneath would be preserved, just covered in crap forever, which was horrible enough on its own. What the Smooze did after covering Equestria, know one knew. The Smooze didn't really plan ahead that much. Or that well.
As Dan surveyed the prison, the Smooze hurled a ball of itself at Dan. It splatted against the shield but did not penetrate.
"I suppose saying you look like a giant pile of shit is a bit too obvious at this point," Dan said to the ooze. He didn't know if it heard him, but it seemed to be pretty angry anyway. "Right then. Stevie, go with Rarity and Ace to the east side tower. Nicky and I will take the west tower with Knight. Then, we'll hit the north side with Volcany. Tux, Reggie and Chris will provide supporting fire while Doctor Whooves keeps a look out. Sound good?"
They were about to agree, when Samule said, "That does sound good, but with just one slight adjustment."
"Oh yeah? What adjustment is that, Sammy?" Dan asked. And then immediately regretted it. Samule was glad to explain it to him.
"WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE BAIT?!"
"You just yelled the answer to that question by yelling the question," Phoenix said, patting him on the back. "C'mon, we both know you've got this."
"And you won't be going alone," Samule said, grinning in a way that both seemed genuine and sinister at the same time. "We found a friend who's just as loud and obnoxious as you to help out."
"OH I SEE HOW IT IS."
"Oh great. I was wondering when Sendback would show up."
"This isn't fair. This isn't FAIR to me," the donkey protested. "The ONLY TIMES I get to be on-screen are when something horrible is happening to me. I don't get to have meaningful conversations, I don't get to have thoughtful dialogue. I DON'T GET TO HAVE HOBBIES! You only want me here to suffer, to toil so you can laugh at me, and thank your lucky stars you don't have to be in my shoes!"
"If you say it's because you're a black man again, I am going to strangle you until you change color," Dan said.
Sendback grabbed his own chest. "THIS. IS ALL. I HAVE. YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!!"
"So, you don't want us to take away the fact you're a 'suffering black man' because that's all you have. Therefore, you don't want us to stop you from suffering," Phoenix deduced.
And the donkey glared at him. "And where did the Korean come from? Fancy suit and hair, I bet they don't make you do garbage like this!"
"They do," Phoenix corrected. "Also I'm from Japan. And California."
The donkey stared at him for a long moment. "Mannn, let's just get this over with."
"We still control the doors in this section of the prison, as long as our folks up top keep turning the wheel," Samule said. "So we're going to drop those doors on the left and right side and you boys are going to... get the Smooze's attention. While you're doing this, everybody else is going to run along the top and get the other generators working."
"And why couldn't literally ANYONE else do this, huh?" Sendback asked. "Why does it have to be US?!"
"Don't ask stupid questions, Sendback."
"Good luck!" Samule said, and retreated back up the stairs along with Phoenix. As Phoenix followed the donkey, he looked back at Dan. The shorter human gave him a nod, and the lawyer understood what he meant by that.
The two decoys got into position; Dan on one side, Sendback on the other saying his prayers, and probably calling his mother one last time.
"You ready?"
"I HATE YOU!" "We're ready," Dan said. And just as the door opened to reveal the tide of Smooze, Dan saw one of the foodimals on the ground. He didn't have time to do anything else but run though as the sludge spilled forth and started chasing him.
Both Dan and Sendback screamed as the Smooze chased them down the hall. The muck sloshed, sludged and oozed forth like a tidal wave. As they turned corners, the crud smashed into walls, briefly slowing it down, time enough for Dan and Sendback to keep running. The sound of their screeching voices and scrambling legs echoed off the walls surprisingly effectively as the Smooze pursued them.
The plan began to work! Back in the central yard, the Smooze began to drain into the prison, slowly receding from the yard as the entity's full attention was snared by Dan and Sendback. Again, the Smooze wasn't smart but more than that, it was easily distracted. They didn't even really have to have Dan and Sendback do it; pretty much anybody would've worked as bait. Using the two loudest members did ensure success, though, but mostly, Samule just wanted to torture Dan again. That plan was also working.
"This was a great idea! Great idea, I'm so HAPPY whoever came up with it did AND THEN VOLUNTEERED ME FOR IT! ISN'T THIS A GREAT IDEA, NICKY?!" Dan shouted, looking over at Phoenix running right beside him. Except Phoenix wasn't right beside him.
"Oh, right, you're on the roof. I HATE THIS PLAN!!"
"I hate it too!" Sendback's voice echoed from the distance.
"NOT AS MUCH AS I DO!"
Back on top of the roof, the three teams began their advance. Although the Smooze was draining, some parts of it remained active, kind of the person in the crowd that didn't know why there was a crowd there or what was going on. Some of those dimmer parts of the Smooze noticed the teams exiting the safety of the shield and threw sludge bombs at them. If any of them were hit, it had a thirty-percent chance of poisoning them.
"Hey! Hey, where are you going?" "I don't know where I am." "Get out of my way!" "Who are they?" "Smooze them!" "Smooze them!"
The Smooze argued with itself, but mostly drained into the prison. The laws of liquid volume displacement had the strongest effect on the muck, it seemed. A good amount of it stuck around to continue chucking balls of itself though, which became the responsibility of Tuxley, Reginald and Chris Redfield.
Back at the southern garrison, Tux removed his top hat, flipped it over and sat it on the balcony.
"Gentlemen," Tux announced, "This one is for all the marbles." Eyes downrange, they lined up their rifles on the balcony and began to take score.
Captain America led the first two teams along the south-east wall, blocking flying Smooze bombs with his shield. Phoenix and Knight made their way across the south-west wall using Rarity's shield to support them. They had to change up some positions in the teams because Dan was playing decoy. Meaning another member had to take the place in the team heading to the final garrison in the north with Volcanus.
Once the first two teams were in position, it was the last member's time to shine.
"So are you a pony, a spider or a robot?"
"At this point, I have no idea!" Volcanus said delightedly. "And you're a pony, a doctor and an alien?"
"As a matter of fact, yes I am!" Doctor Whooves said. "But you can just call me The Doctor!"
"Doctor who?"
"You're bloody damn right!" No shield at all, Doctor Whooves relied only on his own grit, determination and agile mind to see him safely towards the north garrison. He deftly dodged, ducked and dove over and under slung Smooze with the mini-Magic Gear Volcanus on his back, the tiny machine's six legs clutching him tightly. He heard the other teams through the Magic Gears' built-in radio system. Colress tweaked them so they could get reception even during an apocalypse.
"Doctor, we're in position and powering up the generators now!" "Better hurry; I can't keep this up forever!" "Just a bit longer, Cap! Hurry Doc!"
"We're almost in position- the lights'll be back on quicker than the power company! Don't you worry!"
Smooze flew past the Doctor's muzzle. To make it even more disgusting, some of it actually had eyes forming on it, which was partly why it was so accurate, and the globs sizzled both in front and behind him as they went past.
With the power from Ace and Knight, the generators on the east and west side powered up. The prison shifted and shuddered and lights began flickering on. Both inside and outside the prison, the power started to return.
Dan and Sendback noticed this as they ran through the corridors. Not having to dodge anything, the pair reached the north end of the prison much faster, nearly running into each other.
"Woah!" "HEY!" "STAIRS!!" "OKAY!"
That was the extent of their conversation. With the Smooze filling the lower levels of the prison, they were forced to the second level. Now stuffed in the prison, Colress was able to lower the doors to the yard on the east and west garrison towers, trapping most of it while the rest sludged its way into the north tower. Its attention fully on Dan and Sendback, the scum rushed into the prison as much as it could, falling right into the trap.
All was left was to get the last generator activated. That's where Doctor Whooves encountered a problem.
"Freeze!"
Team Rocket grunts aimed rifles at the Doctor. The fourth and final generator was being used as a staging area for something. Back down in the prison, Dan and Sendback had just discovered why, but didn't know it yet.
"Where did all the villains go?!"
"I have no idea. Nobody tells me anything. You think I got a notice before they said I was going to be a prison administrator?" Sendback asked.
"I know how it is," Dan said.
"No, you don't."
Dan and Sendback ran through the rogue-less rogue's gallery, unaware that the occupants were being unloaded just above them.
"Looks like you were wrong, Cobalt. We will be getting the good doctor after all."
"I didn't think we had the Good Doctor yet-"
"No- you," Writhe N. Payne face-hoofed. "You know what I'm talking about. Today has been long enough."
Doctor Whooves raised his hooves slowly. In front of him, the Team Rocket grunts, the ones that weren't pointing guns at him, were busy loading the statue-fied villains from the prison into Boba Fett's Slave I. It was clear now what they had been doing, what their plan had been all along. What their plan had been from the start.
"Payne!" Whooves exclaimed. "The same one from the train?"
The yellow stallion smirked. "Maybe, maybe not." And then he removed his trademark glasses, the glasses that were iconic of all Payne prosecutors, pony or otherwise. In that moment, Doctor Whooves realized the pony he was addressing was not a Payne at all.
"Do you know why the GenoHaradan like a nice, harmonious government like Equestria, Doctor? It makes it easier to move around. Assassins do their best work in the shadows. And you can't have a lot of shadow without a lot of light."
Doctor Whooves was beginning to piece it together. "You're that assassin character, then? The one that tried to recruit Dan and then murder us?"
Standing on his hindlegs, the pony descended the loading ramp. "Oh, make no mistake, it's not that I enjoy killing valuable people. But if you're determined not to cooperate, what choice do I have? Besides, I wasn't trying to kill you- I just needed to motivate you."
Cobalt, next to him, flashed a grin. "Thanks for getting us through the front door, by the way."
The Doctor felt his body grow cold. That was a bad sign, considering he still had some of his timelord physiology as a pony, including the two hearts. It felt like both of them just skipped a solid beat. He was now beginning to fathom just how deep the deception went, and the thought was more chilling the deeper he took it.
"I wanted to use Dan willingly, but he made it difficult. So, if he was determined to do things his own way, why stop him?" Visor said. "I needed to get into Stable 4, you got me in. I needed to get into Donquestria, you knocked down the wall for me. I needed to get into Bursavis... you lead me right here. It's all been thanks to you and Dan, Doctor."
Doctor Whooves snarled. "And now that you've got what you wanted you're planning on leaving us high and dry? If we're so useful, why not take us along for the ride?"
The yellow stallion grinned again. "Who says I'm not?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! OUT OF MY WAY!!"
"Right on schedule."
As if on cue, Dan and Sendback burst through the door to the roof. They crashed into a group of Team Rocket grunts, knocking several over, but there were more than enough who were able to get their arms around the pair.
"Hey- HEY! What gives?! Where did you cronies come from? Who hired the thug brigade? I WANT NAMES!" Dan exclaimed.
"Oh, I see how it is! I see how all this is, they give the black man the worst job, then they have a bunch of pasty scumbags ready to arrest him- get your hands off me, I'm not going to be man-handled! THIS IS INJUSTIC-"
"Will someone please shut them up?" Visor asked. Two grunts gagged Dan and Sendback and slapped the muzzle-shields on their helmets down, silencing them. "That's better."
Another pair of Team Rocket grunts flanked Doctor Whooves on either side. They ushered him forward with their weapons; he did not resist them. Cobalt plucked Volcanus off his shoulders and used her radio to contact the other GenoHaradan teams. Soon, Captain America, Phoenix and Redfield and their accompanying members all joined them, unwillingly.
It wasn't just the Team Rocket grunts among the assassins. The hooded figures from the arenas, the thugs from the auction, the random raiders, and finally, Boba Fett, all escorted the Jerk Team allies to the bounty hunter's ship waiting on the northern garrison. All very neatly fell into place, just as Visor had intended.
Prisoners, Dan and company were lined up against the ledge of the balcony. The Smooze below was congregating. Although it was low enough that it could no longer reach the top of the tower, it was still filling the yard to the point the ground could not be seen. It bobbed and sloshed, confused as to what to do next.
"This is going to be very simple," Visor announced. "You all have one thing in common: you are all survivors. That is the real reason you were all brought here, all joined together. Rebels, Imperials, scientists, Halo troopers. The last of the dinosaurs AND possibly the last true gentlemen. And more symbolic survivors, like the enduring American spirit in Captain Rogers. You were all brought here by the Director to teach her and ponies how to survive. Now, your mission is complete."
"Survivors of what?" Cap asked.
"Everything," Visor replied. "Everything Equestria could possibly throw at you. Even its destruction. The Director is a Majora, meant to destroy and erase this world, as she has before. But she got tired of this after a while."
"Oh god," Phoenix said. "There's ANOTHER secret motive behind everything? What is this, the fourth or fifth one? Who's been keeping track?" He looked over to Dan. He held up five fingers. (Well, maybe we can finally find out which one is the right one...) He reached into his pocket and clutched the magatama tightly. But in that same moment, he felt something else in his pocket.
"It's actually quite simple, Mr. Wright. The Director is this world's version of death, but like everything else in this world, it was affected by magic. Eventually, it got tired of doing its job and wanted to make friends. So she cobbled together a physical form for herself from trashed storyboards, discarded characters and concepts. She figured if she screwed this world up enough, or tried to steer it to some other apocalyptic vector like Fallout: Equestria, she wouldn't have to destroy it. The Stables were also a way for her to save and play with you at the same time."
Phoenix squeezed the magatama. He looked Visor right in the eye. There was no psyche-lock, even if he wanted there to be one. The pony assassin was telling the truth, the final version of it.
"So what is it you want?" Doctor Whooves asked. "Join us or die, is that it?"
"Yes."
"Well, I don't think you'll find us very willing-"
"Throw the racist over the side."
Sendback's eyes went wide. The nearest Team Rocket grunt simply flipped him over the side of the balcony, sending him tumbling into the Smooze. Still gagged, he was unable to scream, though certainly wanted to. Some of the others looked behind them, tried to see over the side, but none fully could. The sickening splat sound that followed shortly after told them what they already knew.
"That man was an idiot. You- all of you, you can be useful. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, as they say. Team Rocket was just the first to realize the simplest thing: people make the difference. Gold, oil, gems, they're only worth something because people decide they do. There's no difference between one lump of gold and the next. People, they are what is really unique, really rare, really worth anything," Visor explained. "Rarity next."
Two grunts pushed Rarity by her shoulders. She tumbled over the side and into the Smooze.
Everyone else immediately shot up from where they knelt. Even gagged, Dan tore apart his restraints, and ripped through the cloth with his teeth. "YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!" Only to be quickly jabbed by the grunts repeatedly, until he doubled over.
Visor smiled. "She was a collector's item. Worth quite a lot. But there will be other Rarity's, and even one with ninja-skills isn't valuable to us if it can't be controlled. If I have to worry about her escaping, which she has proven she can do, she's too much of a risk."
Doctor Whooves was so disgusted he could spit. Not just for losing Rarity, but for everything else about this snide, contemptuous scumbag in front of him.
"I don't know which is more positively foul," Whooves said. "You... or the Smooze."
"Come now, Doctor... you of all people should understand the value of a life," Visor said, approaching him. "The last of the Time-lords. Now that's a tale of survival worthy of Daring Do's next novel. And Cleo didn't even know about you."
"I swear..." Dan said, coughing. "I'm going to kill you. I'M GOING TO KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!"
Visor simply rolled his eyes. "As worthless a threat as you yourself are, Dan. We tried selling Dan and even merchandising him but to be honest, he's just not very unique. Another angry, pale American that goes around acting like a jerk. Don't know who in their right mind would be interested in such a character."
"You'd be surprised," Phoenix said. "Also, Dan... you're about to get your wish." The lawyer shot up and drew the pistol Dan gave him. He fired at Visor.
*chink*
"Ha. You forgot to say "Objection!", Mr. Wright," Visor said. He walked over to where the lawyer stood and took the pistol from him. "And you forgot that the museum display you stole this from... didn't include the bullets." He tossed the gun over the balcony. Phoenix felt his psyche-gauge drop with it.
Rad: The Chapter Where Dan Actually Shoots Somebody
"Remarkably, there's only ONE Phoenix Wright and only one Dan, err..." Visor looked him over, "I'm sorry but what is your last name?"
"I'M GONNA GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT WITH MY TEETH!"
"Right," he took a sidearm from one of the Rocket Grunts. "But not everything unique is valuable. So while the doctor, the lawyer, the scientists and the soldiers are welcome to join, I have no need of jerks."
Ever-defiant, Captain America was the first to make a stand. "Well... you won't find any of those here. We're all jerks!"
"And what is this one on about?"
Chris joined him. "He's right. We've been following Dan this whole time. We may have come from different places but, this angry little guy has united us. We're with him now, like it or not."
"What he's saying is that none of us are going to join you. Ever," Colress said.
"Here, here!" Tux and Reginald added. "You, sir, are no gentleman! And true gentleman shall never join a cad the likes of you!" "Reginald?" "Yes sir?" "Plan T, Reginald." "Goodness... has it come to this, sir?" "It has. Make ready." "Yes sir."
"We're all with him, too!" Dollars yelled. "Even though I'm... well, we kinda just got here and we're not really with anybody... but we're with Dan now!" Even down on their knees, facing certain death, they were all defiant. They had learned from Dan to never submit, never give up, never surrender. It's probably the one thing he gave them above all others, the one lesson they learned from him. How to defy.
It made little difference to Visor, who just shook his head. "In what universe does that make sense?"
"This one!" The Doctor answered. "This moment, right here, right now! You think you have power over people? Just because you can commit murder and get away with it? Well, so what? You'll never get us to do what you want, not willingly, not now and not ever!"
The assassin pony came close to yawning. "Are you done? I mean, personally, I'm not into the cliche 'speech on the gallows'-routine, but some people will pay for that sort of thing. You're still valuable to me, Doctor, but the rest of your happy band?"
"And who exactly am I valuable to? Who would want to collect me?"
Visor got up. He replaced his glasses not with Writhe N. Payne's spectacles, but with a dark pair of sunglasses. "Like I said, you're not the only timelord. You're just a very rare one."
"Oh, you mean HIM. Great, that's another thing to look forward to."
"You're never going to sell anyone or anything. I'm going to kill you right now, I swear, you snide prick!" Dan snarled. "It doesn't matter who you are or what you say about people- eventually, you cross the wrong guy. And you just did, pal."
Visor loaded the gun with a fresh clip. "This is why we're not only slavers, herr Doctor. You'll come to see that, soon." He aimed the gun at Dan. "Some people just aren't worth the effort." And he fired.
"Dan!" Phoenix yelled. They all would've yelled something, would've shouted, would've even taken the bullet for Dan. But none of them could. Dan's friends could only watch as the cold-blooded killer shot him point-blank in the head.
To his credit, Dan stared death in the face and didn't flinch. He didn't even blink.
*Bang!*
He didn't have to.
"The fuck." Visor said. His bullet stopped in midair. So he fired again, several times. And each of his bullets were halted by an invisible force. A purplish aura appeared around them, holding them in place.
Visor sighed heavily. "Oh, great."
"You think you know everyone. Just because you can predict how they're going to react," a knowledgeable voice said. "You watch them, compare them, choose which ones you want, which ones you think are worth something and then discard the rest. And you think this gives you power over them."
From the side of the balcony, Twilight rose up. She levitated over all of them, drawing horror from the thugs, sheer gratitude from her friends and utter shock and bewilderment from all of them. And she brought friends.
Rarity rose up around with her, levitating by her own powerful magic. A very surprised but also happy Sendback rose alongside her, nodding even though he was upside down.
"Y'all didn't see this comin'."
"TWILIGHT!!" Dan jumped to his feet. "And WHERE have you- you know what? I don't even care. When you get down here, you are getting hugged young lady! ...Mostly by everybody else, but also by me! At least once!"
Twilight smiled. "It's good to see you too, Dan. And all of you."
"Missed you quite a bit, dear Twilight. Missed you quite a bit," Rarity said, teary-eyed. The fashionista was definitely owed a hug after having been gone for such a long time.
Visor spread his hooves wide. "This doesn't change anything, your highness. The GenoHaradan are adaptable and we've endured far worse than you. Karma, justice, whatever you call it- just words. All that matters is the person powerful enough to make them happen. We both know you don't have that power."
Twilight quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? And why not?" She lightly bobbed in the air, her horn glowing. Her wings weren't moving because she wasn't using them; Twilight was one-hundred percent using her magic right now. It was powerful enough to do just about anything.
"Dan, could you scooch me away from the idiot, please?" Phoneix asked. "Can't really move right now and I don't want to be near this dumbass." (Shit's about to go down.)
"I gotcha, Nicky."
"Alright then, go on. Kill the Team Rocket members. Kill all of us here. You'll only send a message to the rest of our agents hiding among your own people that they'll need to be cautious for a while. But they'll hide, they'll assume different identities. We're not like Rice, sister, we're the shadows. We exist as long as there is light," Visor said confidently.
Twilight considered her options. Then shrugged. "You're right. It wouldn't make much sense for me to kill you. I'd only be doing you a favor, I suppose, by telling you I'm somepony to be avoided."
"Uh, Twilight?" Cap asked.
"Your highness, if I may ask, where exactly are you going with this?" Tuxley also asked.
Twilight sighed. "We're going to have to live with people like you, Mr. Visor. People who may be pulling our strings, who may be lurking, who may always be watching us."
"Exactly," Visor said. "We're always watching."
She smiled. "Good. Because we've got a lot we want you to see." Burt Gummer's desert eagle rose from the side of the balcony, gripped by Twilight's magic. It hovered over to the center of the tower, aimed right at Visor. "Maybe I do want to send a message to you, to anyone who thinks they can mess with me or my friends and get away with it. And maybe I don't care if you think it's pointless."
Visor smirked uncomfortably. "You're not going to shoot me."
"I'm not," Twilight said. She tossed the gun to Dan. "He is."
In a single move, Dan rolled, caught a magazine for the gun thrown by Tuxley, loaded the handgun and stood. And then, Dan simply grinned. "Haha, I told you so." And he fired.
*Bam!*
And the bullet hit him square in the chest. His sunglasses flew off and cracked on the ground; the force of the blow knocked him backward, almost flying towards the balcony. His back hit it hard, nearly hard enough to knock him forward again.
Visor breathed, suddenly finding that a harder prospect than it should have been. A gunshot wound in the chest will do that, though, and he knew it. He propped himself up on the edge of the balcony with what little strength he had.
"Heh," he smiled, and turned to Cobalt. "See? I told you he'd make a good agent." He looked over to Dan and said, "Be seeing you."
Dan strode over quickly to finish him off. Still talking wasn't dead, and Dan was not one to leave things to chance. He wasn't one to leave things at all. But before he could, the assassin flipped himself over the wall.
Dan ran to the edge of the balcony, but it was too late. As quickly as he had appeared, the pony known as Visor was gone.
"And now, what to do with the rest of you?" Dan asked, swinging the handgun around. What could he make the remaining assassin cronies do? Follow their leader and jump over the side? Too easy. Maybe freeze them and then crack them into a million pieces? Possibly, but then who would clean up the mess? He could make them eat the Smooze, but the Smooze might eat them back somehow, and that was another problem on its own to deal with.
Suddenly, the engines on Boba Fett's ship roared to life. The Slave I lifted off from the tower, but as it did, every remaining Team Rocket grunt lunged onto it. Could it carry them all? Didn't matter. The grunts all jumped onto the vehicle as it maneuvered around, some of them even making it into the ship itself, others holding on for dear life until they could do the same. The ship rocketed away from the garrison and into the fog, taking the criminals with it.
"Well... there goes that," Dan remarked.
"There's still the Smooze to worry about," Phoenix reminded him.
"Ah yes, the sludge threatening to consume us all. Stevie, Redfield, all of you, get over here," Dan beckoned them into a huddle. Tired, sluggish, but not one of them reluctant, they got up to join Dan. Whatever private doubts or concerns about Dan's leadership, whatever it may be, none of them said anything. They knew Dan would have a plan.
But Twilight had an easier way.
"It's alright, Dan. I've got it."
"Twilight!" Dan called. "YES! Use your magic to kick that crap's ass!" He sprung up, shook his fist, almost danced; with Twilight back, he was happy to have a heavy hitter back on his team. Unbeknownst to him, Twilight may very well have been the heaviest hitter of them all at that point.
Her eyes still glowed white and she still levitated. She was in total harmony, magic flowing through her at such a rate that her body was a conduit for nearly-unlimited power and potential. God-mode Twilight, pretty much. The strands of her mane floated, resonating with magical power. Her body glowed, every part of her radiating intense energy that made the air warm and still around them, calming the rushing winds in an expanding aura.
Twilight had been in this state before, at least a few times. It wasn't something she was able to do at just any time, but she was getting better at maintaining this 'harmonious state.' To her, it felt like she was in the center of a great storm. More than that, like she WAS the center of a great storm, like she herself had transformed at some level into a massive supernatural force that was moving and constantly shifting, but at the same time she could control.
And to be honest, although she felt totally at peace physically, a part of her mind felt uneasy. In truth, this was how the Director felt all the time. More of an entity than a person, connected to everything and everyone and yet still separate, forced onward and only able to pull at the tiniest strings without causing massive damage. It was like trying to grasp a grain as it was carried by a violent, ever-turbulent rushing river, forever watching it slip and dance through your fingers carried on by the eternal flow.
"Uh, Twilight?"
"Yes, Phoenix?"
"You're gonna be careful, right?"
"I'll be fine, Phoenix. But thank you." She levitated above them in a near-trance to the other side of the balcony. With an outstretched hoof, she turned on one of the generators, then another, then the other. Finally, she turned around and with barely a flick of her fetlock, she turned on the last generator. All four of them came on at full-blast, powered not by anything but her magic.
"How in the hell is she doing that?" Sendback asked.
Samule L. Jackson frowned at him. "This is the one time you're not going to say you see how it is?"
Sendback glared. "Don't you start that shit with me, Sam."
"Why? You gonna call your mom on me? Shut the fuck up, let the ponies handle it."
The generators hummed, powering up the prison once again. Lights along the walls came on, and the gates activated, opening to let the Smooze drain into the perimeter walls.
Dan looked over the balcony, and the others followed him to do the same.
"HaHA! Like grime on the shower room floor!" Dan remarked.
"No one wants to know about your shower, Dan."
"Hey, there's a LOT worse in my shower than this, Redfield."
"Again, NOBODY wants to know-"
"I sent that one thing to a lab and they said they were going to get back to me, but I think they shut down," Dan continued. But the others weren't paying too much attention to him; they were busy watching the Smooze level lower. The eyes of the Smooze turned upward, some of them looking at Dan and the others, but most were confused as to what was happening.
"Umm... Twilight dearie, not to interrupt," Rarity said.
"It doesn't appear to be draining completely," Reginald said.
"We don't want it to," Samule said.
Most everyone turned back to him. "And why is that?"
"Because then, we wouldn't be able to hit it with this." Samule flipped a switch on the generator.
And from it launched Mechbeth. Or, more precisely, the top portion of the generator transformed into a Mechbeth. The pylons which the guards had pushed on became its wings and the centrifuge disengaged from the platform. The strange creation took flight like a butterfly, and flew above them all.
A bit exhausted herself, Twilight levitated herself back down to the garrison roof. Dan and friends practically caught her as she landed and helped her steady herself, even if she didn't need it.
"I'm fine, I'm fine everyone, thank you."
"Remember that hug we talked about earlier?"
Twilight smiled softly, and began to say, "Yes, I do," but only managed "Ye-" before Dan grabbed her and squeezed her to his shirt.
"ALLGGGK! Dan, THAT's REALLY-"
"I'm never letting you go again. Not ever. Never ever ever for the next five minutes never."
"Dan," Cap put a hand on his shoulder. "We just got Twilight back, can you try not to break her?"
Phoenix smiled mischievously. "I know how to fix this problem." And he hugged Dan and Twilight from the back. Then, Chris and Captain America joined in.
"NO! NO, STOP! I did NOT consent to a group hug! Grouping makes it worse!" Dan protested as Rarity, Tuxley, Reginald, Doctor Whooves and the others all joined in.
"We all love you, Dan. And we love Twilight, too."
"Just go with the moment, Master Dan," Tuxley advised.
"NO! I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS MAKE IT STOP!"
But the group hugging did not relent. Soon, even the donkeys, Imperials and other troopers joined in, along with the prison guards and prisoner volunteers, then the raiders and at last, the foodimals.
"THIS IS WORSE THAN THE SMOOZE! HELP! HELLLLLPPP!" Despite his complaints, the hugging continued, until Dan and everyone else was consumed by the cuddle pile that followed. The strange, random, completely out-of-nowhere cuddle pile.
"Look everybody! The flutter-donkey is killing the Smooze!"
It may not have been a flutter-donkey, or a flutter-pony for that matter, but it used similar magic and operated under similar principles. From its wings, the MechBeth shot rainbow beams of pure energy-infused magic(rather than magic-infused energy) that destroyed the Smooze. The beams altered the sludge and transformed it from a liquid into solid, freezing the gunk like a statue.
The first MechBeth was joined by three others, one from each generator. Together, they made quick work of the Smooze in the courtyard. Using the gates, the machines then entered the complex proper and began doing the same on the inside. The Smooze crumbled to bits off the walls, ceilings and throughout the halls, turning to powder on the floor. The MechBeths sanitized the Bursavis Prison Complex.
"And that," Samule flipped off the generator, "is why you don't mess with my trains."
"Alright," Dan said. "But now, how are you going to clean up the rest of this crap?"
Phoenix pointed down from the balcony. "I don't think he's going to have to- look."
The foodimals were eating what was left of the Smooze. Although it was pretty disgusting, the rubbery creatures nibbled and nommed their way through the sludge. It made sense; being food themselves, they only ate things that were completely inedible. And probably popcorn.
"Ahhh... that is disgusting," Dan remarked. He watched as one of the sandwich foodimals ate its way through the sludge in a pattern. "Very disgusting."
"I saw one of them eat that cra- err, your granny's 'homemade napalm' earlier. I guess the foodimals must have pretty strong stomachs," Phoenix said. (I am going to barf again.)
"Yeah I guess that makes sense- TWILIGHT!" Dan exclaimed, and stopped short of hugging her in half again. "And where's everybody else? How do we get to Tartarus?" As Dan asked the important questions, everyone turned to Twilight with bated breath, waiting for her to answer.
Unfortunately, much to their dismay, she shook her head. "They're not in Tartarus any more. Most of them... never were."
"We were duped again?" Dan asked. "Again AGAIN again?"
"I don't understand," Captain America said. "We were there, Chris and I."
"Another thing we don't need brought up, Cap."
"Where exactly is Tartarus?"
Twilight shrugged. "We're standing in part of it. This place used to be called Tambelon, the city of bells. The Fausticorn brought it here so the donkeys of the new Equestria would have a home. The realm left behind became empty and hollow, but still accessible to this world. The king and queen of Equestria banished the most powerful monsters and demons they encountered there, and it became a realm of hate and punishment."
"Wow... just like the shower room."
"Shut up, Dan. So where are the rest of our friends, Twilight?" Rarity asked. And yeah, she said "shut up, Dan," too. She's been through a lot and even ladies are allowed to be impatient sometimes.
Twilight looked up. "They're on the moon now. With Princess Celestia and Luna."
"So wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait WAIT," Dan said. And paused for a minute. "You're telling me Vice Grip kidnapped all our friends, threw them in Tartarus, then sold them to a bunch of criminals, raiders and fanboys, had a bunch of assassins then steal them, JUST SO HE COULD TAKE THEM BACK WITH HIM TO THE GODDAMNED MOON IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!"
"Actually, that was Barro."
"WHAT?!"
And Twilight explained what really happened, why Dan woke up three months later, why everyone else was missing, how it all happened. Chancellor Rice Puddinghead really doesn't care about Dan, Twilight or his friends. He imprisoned them, as the Director had instructed, but then betrayed her and sold them to Writhe N. Payne, the real one. Writhe then sold the ponies to criminals at an auction, unknowingly helping the GenoHaradan in the process.
Meanwhile, Rice retreated to the moon to prepare the next phase of his plan. By holding Barro's friend Michael hostage, he forced Barro to deal with the Rebels, Imperials and any other starships that came near Equestria, as well as any resistance on the surface. The only problem was Dan, whom with his unique relationship with magic, was unaffected by Rice's teleportation and instead was teleported into the future... or so it seemed.
"But then, why is the planet all... crappy? In more ways than one, not including the Smooze?" Dan asked.
Twilight inhaled, then exhaled heavily. "The Director... Cleo, she was the spirit of the planet. And Rice killed her."
"Have I mentioned I hate that guy lately?"
"It's more than that. It's more than any one thing. The damage the surface has taken, the lack of ponies being involved, the magical fluctuations and now Cleo being taken out, there's not much more Equestria can take," Twilight said, looking around.
"What is the world to one person?" one of the fanboys asked.
"One person can mean the world to another."
"Without them, the world has no meaning."
"Without them, no one else has any meaning."
Dan and company looked around them. While the Team Rocket grunts were gone, the hooded fanboys had remained. And Dan was beginning to think their hoods were looking all-too familiar.
"Stay back, all of you!" Dan warned the hooded humans. He still held the pistol in his right hand but his best weapon of course was Twilight. He knew she and Rarity would react faster than any of these post-apocalyptic clowns.
"Dan-"
"Nobody's going with you! You aren't buying any pony, person or anything else!" Dan dropped the pistol, it accidentally discharged. But the bullet barely left the barrel of the gun before Twilight's magic caught it.
The hooded figures were all a bit different. Some were tall, some were short, some were skinny and others portly, a few might have been girls but it was hard to tell anything, and one had long hair poking out of the corners of its hood around its neck. They spoke with different voices, even had different personalities and channeled different histories. But they all had one thing in common.
Dan reached for the gun again, but Twilight held it away from him in her magic, until he was jumping for it. After he realized this, he spun around to her and asked simply, "Why?! Why won't you let me shoot them?! They're slavers, they wanted to BUY you!"
"They've always wanted the same thing," Twilight said. She looked straight ahead, resolute, as if staring past them.
Dan turned back to them. "What's the big deal? They're just... they're just..."
"Fans."
The hooded figures looked around at each other. The first one reached up with its gloved hands and removed its mask. A pair of eyes peered out from the hood... but nothing else.
"I couldn't have asked for better, you know? Really, you are a very impressive specimen, Dan. One in a million in your own way. And yet, common in so many ways. In all the ways that matter."
Dan turned back to her. And he glared. "Director. Cleo." The name was acid on his tongue.
"See? You're smarter than anyone gives you credit for, heh heh. I have to hand it to you, you get results."
"But," Doctor Whooves pointed, "Aren't you... aren't you dead?"
She shrugged. "I was never really born, so it's kinda confusing to me, too. I mean, seriously, have you guys ever thought what it's like to be ME? Not the easiest road to walk."
"I saw it," Rarity said. "Back at Vice Grip's mountain fortress, he shot you. And then-"
"He froze me. So I couldn't regenerate." The other hooded figures all removed their masks one at a time. Different colored eyes were behind them, some were faded and others were pulsing, glowing, some only had one eye. They were all different, but they were all her.
"Oh don't get me wrong," she continued, "I'm thankful for what Rice did for me. Something that never really lived can't die, so the experience was honestly exhilarating. I'd never felt more... alive."
Dan scoffed. "That's a pretty messed up way to find validation of your own existence."
"Dan, you're not helping," Twilight said. But then again, neither was Cleo.
"When it's your only way, you'll understand."
"It's never the only way," Dan said. He actually sounded serious about that. And followed it up with, "You only think it's the only way because you stopped looking."
Cleo snarled, or at least, as much as she could without a physical face. Dan had a way of getting under anyone's skin, even if they did not have physical skin.
"It's not just MY existence that's been on the line. All of you, you're here because I willed it, because I helped make it happen, to save you all. My death has arrived, as it has before, but this time you'll finally be able to survive it."
"We SAVED Equestria," Dan shouted back. "We SAVED you when we had EVERY reason not to. Still have every reason not to! You love us all SOOOO much but you won't trust us with a damn thing. We're just a bunch of... toys to you, toys you're too sad to see broken. But you failed to realize that we're ALL broken here, sister. We're done being your collector's items."
"Done? You're DONE? You think you're DONE with anything?" A deep warbling sound filled the air, like a flexing of the fabric of space and time itself. It was possibly the universe's equivalent to a fake laugh, the act alone such an exertion it caused dimensional tension. Dan was clearly pissing her off.
"You NEED my direction. This is what everything has been leading to! You're already on your way and you have no choice! You must find the new Equestria and you will carry me with you, always bonded with you. There are places even Hasbro won't find us, between the cracks in the dimensional rifts, we can slip through them with ease!"
"I don't believe it," Cap said. "You destroyed your own planet, endangered the lives and killed untold millions just to force us all to leave with you."
"Yes!" she exclaimed. "Don't you see my brilliance?"
"Wow, brilliance. Just... wow," Chris said sarcastically. "I, I honestly miss Wesker right now. I really, really do."
"I... don't," Cap admitted.
"If you say you miss Brooklyn, I'm going to hit you."
"Was gonna say I miss Bucky."
"Oh. Yeah, I get that."
"Don't you all GET IT? This world has so many threats, so many people in charge that could just... just wipe it away at any given moment, the only way to get them to leave it alone... is to screw it up for ourselves! That way they won't want to any more! Now, we can all just move somewhere else!"
Dan pulled on Twilight's wing. "Can I shoot her now? Please?"
"AAAARRGH! You are going to call Khan right now!" Summoning her strength, she absorbed the other forms of herself, the other hooded figures. They all were vacuumed up into her shadows, becoming darker and darker until her regular form took shape again, except taller. She was leaving nothing to chance.
Neither was Dan.
"You've survived everything this world could throw at you and then some. Doomsday machines, invasions from alternate realities, every apocalyptic thing from the Cutie Pox to the powers of chaos! Even after the world has ended, you all have triumphed. You're prepared for anything! The unknown is nothing to you! All thanks to my guidance!"
"You mean in spite of it," Twilight said firmly. "You haven't been there to coach us through anything. You haven't offered advice or helped us. All you did was bring crisis after crisis for us to face, because you want a good show out of us."
She smiled. "Don't I? And what of it? Who says I can't enjoy my work? Discord certainly does."
"Discord is our friend!" Twilight countered.
"Let's not go that far," Dan counter-countered.
"Discord is... mostly our friend!"
"Still too far."
"Grrrr," Twilight snarled, "You're not Discord!"
"There ya go," Dan said. With Twilight a bit distracted, he was now able to grasp the gun, still clutched in her magic, but she was refusing to let it go, so Dan pretty much just held onto it as it levitated, unable to turn it or wrest it from her grasp. Not from lack of trying, though.
"Wow, he's really rubbing off on you, isn't he? Look, there's been some ups and downs, but we can still pull together. I'm not beyond redemption, am I?"
Twilight actually considered it. She considered what she was saying, and the fact that she was holding the pistol still in her magic. Redemption... both Discord and Chrys had found it. But they had found it in themselves, the desire to change, to be better. It came from within, and forgiveness followed. Cleo just wanted forgiveness without learning anything from it.
The Director could sense Twilight's conflict. And the very thought angered her. "No... you're too much like him."
"What do you mean..." Twilight asked. And she wasn't the only one that asked. She suddenly found herself looking at the gun. It was more symbolic; the power to end this right then, right there was within her grasp.
Twilight was now using all of her powers. It was an incredible but also terrifying feeling. The more powerful you were, the easier it was to make mistakes, to cause great harm. It was restrictive in its own way, like being a giant trying not to step on the smaller world around you. But sometimes... it felt good to step on things.
The old Twilight Sparkle would not be considering ending the Director's existence. As a spirit of the planet, she was tied to it physically. With it dead, her corporeal state was tied to the physical forms she could manifest from leftover objects. She was vulnerable. And she knew it. The new Twilight felt it, and considered just finishing her off.
"All I ever wanted was to be a part of your world. All I ever wanted... was a second chance."
"That's two things, though. So it's not 'all' you ever wanted."
"I know, Dan. She wants both."
"What?"
The Director shrugged. "Why not have it both ways? Why does HE get everything he wants?!"
"Because he cares about something other than himself!" Twilight shouted.
"That's right! And I- wait, what?" Dan asked.
"You only care about yourself," Twilight said. She scolded the Director, shaking the gun at her like a naughty child. Because, that's basically what she was. "You watch us, you say you love us, but you never learned any of our lessons. You don't have our values the same way Dan does."
"You're talking about our Dan, right?" Phoenix asked. "Because uh, you're kind-of-"
"Shut up, Phoenix."
"Yeep." (Note: god mode Twilight is short on patience.)
"Sorry, I... it's been a long day."
"That's one way to put it." (Another way would be that we technically haven't had a day since the apocalypse.) Which was true; the sun hadn't moved. Equestria's rotation was slow normally and required Celestia to move the sun, or some sort of magic, but without any, everything had stopped.
That's what really ended the world. It's why both the GenoHaradan and the Director were right: people were important. They did make a difference. They were special. The loss of enough, even one, could mean the end of the world. Without one simple difference in the eyes of one being, nothing made sense. The right person with the right thought could make the world, or break it, or entirely unmake if they wanted to. Magic had always been about such things. Pure possibility.
Dan frowned. He let go of the pistol, finally, and just looked at the Director. "You know... I have no idea if Twilight is right about me. Probably not but hey, maybe she's onto something. Weirder things have happened."
"Weirder things have happened TODAY, even," Doctor Whooves said.
"But even if she wasn't, we still wouldn't let you on our team," Dan stated. "EVEN IF you could be trusted, which you can't, even if you hadn't kidnapped and brainwashed and tortured my friends, even if you HADN'T put us all through the hell we just went through, I STILL wouldn't let you, OF ALL PEOPLE, join our team."
"AND WHY. THE HELL. NOT?!?!" Another reality-cracking pulse ripped through the air. It made everyone's teeth feel like they were vibrating. "If it wasn't for any of your friends, what was it then? What the hell DID I DO TO YOU??!!"
Dan folded his arms. "You messed with my stuff. I don't like it when people mess with my stuff."
"...Really?"
Dan nodded. "Also, remember when you told me to call Khan?"
"Ye-"
"Well, I already did. Had. Called him twenty minutes ago."
"What?"
"And he's right behind you."
The blast from the Danfiant would have vaporized them all if not for Twilight and Rarity's quick timing. They shielded the group just as the phasers came down, vaporizing everything in the vicinity of ponies, donkeys and humans. The top of the garrison glowed with red-orange light and for the first time that day, it was an orbital strike they were all happy to see.
The spot where the Director stood exploded. Her hooded clock was vaporized and the rest of her mangled body was thrown to the balcony. Overwhelmed by the light, heat and energy, her magic was not enough to sustain her physical form, and even with her power, she began to deteriorate until but a skeleton remained. The blackened form of some pony-human hybrid burned on the wall of the prison, black as ash.
"Heh... this isn't the end of me. You know that."
"We know," Twilight said over the sound of the phasers. "But it'll buy us enough time for us to leave you behind."
With the last of her strength, the Director looked over to all of them, just as her body vaporized. "This was never your home." And she disappeared, back into her dormant state. The phasers cut off and she was gone.
That would have been the moment for the sun to come out. That would have been the moment for them finally to declare peace. It would have been a great moment, one worthy of celebration, but any hint of joy from the Director's defeat was gone almost as quickly as it came. For Equestria died with her.
The ground shook again. The wind suddenly became fierce and cold. Storm clouds gathered, thunder rang out and the planet seemed to breath its last.
"What's going on?"
"This is why we shouldn't have shot her!" Phoenix yelled. "Seriously, it would have been better to team up with her and THEN kill her after we've left the planet!"
"Nicky, the next time we have a supernatural tyrant in custody, you can make the call about what to do with her."
"You already TOLD ME I could do that though!"
Dan shrugged. "Alright, you can have two next time."
"I want it in writing."
"No."
"Shake on it?"
"Fine," Dan said, and they shook on it. And this will be an excellent foreshadowing for when we finally get to season 2.
"Wait," Cap stopped them all, "So... she wasn't lying?"
Twilight looked down. "I'm afraid not."
Dan shrugged again, still brimming with confidence. "It's not a big deal. Whatever's wrong with the planet, we'll be able to fix it and get things working again. Did that once already."
Twilight turned to Dan. "No, Dan. Not this time."
"Come again?"
She sighed heavily, the sigh of an exhausted mare. "Equestria has taken too much damage, Dan. Not even you can repair all of it."
"That sounds like a challenge to me. With enough duct tape, I-"
"THIS IS SERIOUS!!" she shouted. Everyone looked at her. Even without her powers amped up and emotions bubbling on the surface, she still wasn't exaggerating. Dan looked at her eyes and saw not fear, not even really sadness but pain, the pain of a current loss. The pain of having to give something up.
Equestria, Ponyville, the entire kingdom from the edge of the Everfree to the summit of Mount Prosperity, from the cliffs of Ghastly Gorge to the fields of Sweet Apple Acres. From Sugar Cube Corner to Pone Depot, it was all gone. And it wasn't coming back.
Dan held Twilight. And he felt himself cry. Everything that happened, everything they went through, one of the things that kept them going was the thought that they could make things right. That they COULD undo the damage. Revenge was all about getting even, balancing things out. But there were some things that you couldn't make right. Some damage could not be undone. You just had to move past it, to pick yourself up and keep going.
The cold closed in. Haze and fog lowered to envelope them all. Twilight unleashed a pulse of purple magic. The spell exploded in the atmosphere, dispelling the cold and blasting away the storm clouds. The clouds parted and they were finally able to see the sky, night as it was.
But it was only a temporary measure and they all knew it. Without ponies, without magic, without friendship, this was a winter that could not be wrapped up.
"I don't know how long that will last," Twilight said. "We... we need to act quickly."
Dan nodded. "We're going to use the cannon to reach the moon."
Twilight grabbed his hands. "It's not just us," she had to make him understand. "We have to evacuate as many as we can. Equestria has ended. The planet is-"
"Don't say it again. We... we can't have it both ways any more than she can," Dan said. Holding her hooves tightly, he looked up to the moon as it loomed over them, casting its pale light upon them all as it hung in the night sky.
"Let's go get our friends back."
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship... Equestria has fallen. The world Dan and company have fought so hard for, the place they call home, is gone. In its place is only the hope of rescuing their friends, of somehow continuing onward. The world they would have died to protect, the world many of them gave their lives for, is now dead.
Next Saturday, Dan will rise.
Only on FIMFiction.net.
Episode 20: The Wrath of Dan- Dan Vs. Barro the Broadaster
Hello, I'm Gary Gnu with the No Gnewwwwss is Good Gnewwwwws Show, the only show guaranteed to contain no Gnewwwwss whatsoever. And, since there hasn't been a single bit of Gnewwwsss since the Great Space Coaster was canceled back in the 1980s, I would consider that to be very good Gnewwwwsss indeed!
When we last left Dan and the gang, their entire planet had been broken. With no way to fix Equestria and the only way to proceed being forward, Dan and crew were left with only one last shot to save both their friends and planet Earth at the same time. Can we get a fullscreen of that?
I said "last SHOT" not 'last shot GLASS!' I seriously HAVE NOT missed working with you guys AT ALL.
I said "you GUYS" not- oh for good gnewwwwwwss' sake! We've been off the air for years and my studio crew's sense of humor still has not improved. I can tell you all right now that I am not going to tolerate your unprofessional work for another whole season.
UUUugghh. This just goes to show you, folks. No matter what, no matter how much time or whatever happens, the more things change, the more they stay the same. And that's true no matter what show you're watching.
Just... just cue the episode. For the No Gnewwsss is Good Gnewwwss Show, as always, I'm Gary Gnu. And I'll be seeing you all in season gtwo.
Dan did not usually take breaks. When he rested, it was usually at the end of a long day or to eat lunch, or to lounge and bask in satisfaction. He rarely just took a moment to relax and rest because he needed it. Back on Earth, he almost never did it around another person, so it was rare to catch him in these moments.
He sighed, leaning forward from the prison wall. The next train was approaching in the distance. If he were any closer to the rails, he'd be in its path. The large, dark cylinder of it approached rapidly, first as a mirage-like dark blob on the vista and then it slowly emerged as a train. Head in his hands, he felt his age a bit, both figuratively and literally as the stubble on his chin dug into his hands, irritating him.
Irritation he had not felt in years.
Since coming to Equestria, he hadn't aged. Hadn't changed. Hadn't even needed to shave a single day as the potent magic of the planet kept him prestine. With it gone, a growth of beard was beginning to form on his face. Fatigue was beginning to set in, the fatigue of having been doing the same job for too long with too little reward. With no reward.
"This is the last batch. Everything we could find," Rarity said, a hint of sadness in her voice she made no effort to hide.
"All available text and documents have been downloaded to memory and duplicate files have been made," Knight said, getting off the train with her. "Once we are able to transfer them to physical form, we should be able to reproduce copies. The libraries of New Troy, Manehattan and the Crystal Empire will endure."
"The Crystal Empire!" Dan exclaimed. He'd almost forgotten about it. "What happened? Were you able to find Sammy or Flash?"
"Not precisely," Rarity admitted. "But, we did find someone," she said, looking over her shoulder.
"Mister Dan!" Judgey exclaimed. "It's so good to see you! Why, it feels like it's been ages since we've seen each other!"
"Ages or pages, one or the other," Dan said. "I'm sure Nicky will be just thrilled to see you again."
"Mister Wright is here? How fortunate! I haven't seen either of you since the wedding! I must say, the court room has been much quieter without his signature outbursts!"
"OBJECTION! Did somebody mention me?" Phoenix asked, stepping out of the prison.
"Rarity and the Magic Gears just got back from the Crystal Empire," Dan said. "And they found Judge Judgey."
"How good to see you, Mister Wright!" the Judge said ecstatically. "I must say though, we have been missing you in court lately."
"Court?" Phoenix asked. "I haven't been called to court, Judge. There haven't been in trials since we King Sombra- err, I mean, Sam, was found not guilty."
Judge Judgey shook his head. "Of course there have been trials, Mister Wright. Unfortunately, the defense has been quite lacking and that Payne fellow has been making quite a name for himself."
Dan gritted his teeth. "The REAL Writhe N. Payne never left the damn Crystal Empire! Nicky, we've been duped the whole entire time!"
Phoenix Wright winced. "Yeah, yeah I see that now. You don't have to rub it in." (Either that, or the Judge has just been sitting in the court room this entire time and just imagining all the trials. But I don't think I'm that lucky.)
"So where IS the rest of the Crystal Empire?" Dan said, looking over the train. They brought back several containers of books and a few donkeys, griffons and ponies but nothing else. No crystal ponies, certainly.
"I'm... I'm afraid.... this is it," Rarity said. She recoiled a bit, almost like she was apologizing personally for what she was saying. "The Crystal Empire is..."
Twilight got off the train last. She had the Crystal Heart with her. "It's right here. All of it. Except for my brother, Cadence and Reginald."
"Wait," Dan said, "I thought the Empire just disappeared when that thing broke. And that thing usually went with it."
"Ah! I can explain that," Judge interjected. "Prince Sentry and Prince Sam were afraid the kingdom was in jeopardy what with all the weather, earthquakes an marauding bands of mutant post-apocalyptic wasteland raiders. So, transferred the Crystal Empire into the Crystal Heart itself and now the Empire will come back wherever we break it on the ground."
Dan and Phoenix exchanged glances. "And that's... very convenient."
(Almost too convenient."
"Yeah, what he thought. But, they transferred the WHOLE Empire into the Crystal Heart?"
Judge nodded. "That is correct, Mister Dan."
"And they entrusted it to YOU?" Dan asked, prompting everyone to look back to Judgey.
"Indeed! I must say, I was quite honored. Had to be careful swinging the gavel around it, though."
Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. "Well... at least he didn't break it." He looked at the Crystal Heart, hovering in Twilight's magical grasp. (I wonder if this is going to be a murder weapon at some point.)
Dan grabbed the Crystal Heart. "I wonder if I can kill someone with this."
(Sometimes I hate being right all the time. Also, I hate being Wright all the time. Sometimes. Sometimes all the time.)
"Can they hear me in there?" Dan knocked on the surface of the giant gem.
"Please be careful with the Crystal Empire, Dan," Twilight said. She looked at the jewel herself. "Although... to be honest, I kinda wish we could've done this with Ponyville."
"And Cloudsdale," Phoenix added.
"And Canterlot," Rarity nodded.
"Why stop there?" Dan asked. "Why not just stuff the whole entire planet into a snowglobe or something?" He shook the Heart and looked at it, but the jewel remained the same.
Similar to summoning spells, the magic that tied the Crystal Empire to the Crystal Heart pertained to physics. The Empire presently was in a dormant state inside a pocket dimension, similar to Tartarus, with the physical key to the dimension being the Heart itself. Tartarus, formerly Tambelon, was tied to Grogar's bell somewhere in the depths of the Bursavis Complex behind them.
"Ah. Yes, pocket dimensions are quite handy, aren't they?" Doctor Whooves said. His plucky smile faded for a second, before he added, "Hope to get the TARDIS back safe and sound. Along with everyone else..."
Dan handed it back to Twilight. "Would've made things a lot easier. I'm willing to bet there's SOME reason we couldn't have easily transferred all of Ponyville into a pop-up book or something, then open it wherever we found a new spot for the town. Would've been too easy for us."
"Yeah... too easy," Twilight said, accepting the Heart.
The Crystal Heart was sacred to the crystal ponies; it was part of their lives. For generations, their magic flowed through it and across their lands, rejuvenating them when they needed it. Similar were Tambelon and the Tears of Daedalus that kept Cloudsdale afloat. They were all important artifacts that so many ponies put so much of themselves into, they became a part of that universe. Sacred objects in Equestria sometimes became the vessels for the spirits of entire kingdoms.
If Gust Grasp had been there, he would have tried to steal it.
The doors to the prison opened. The train rolled inside and they followed behind it.
"This is the last load?"
Twilight nodded. "It's going to have to be. I doubt we have enough time to go back and check."
"Not enough time to say our good-byes," Phoenix commented. They all knew what he was talking about: the Golden Oaks Library.
"So much time, so much... SO MUCH MONEY!" Dan exclaimed. "That treehouse... heh, best one I ever built. Err, rebuilt. We rebuilt. Together."
Dan had stayed behind with the other humans while Twilight, Rarity and the Mini Gears went to collect the books from the library. Part of the reason was that he needed to help work on getting the cannon up and running, but another part was that he didn't want to leave the Golden Oaks behind. Partings were better that way, to him. Quick and less painful.
Twilight sighed. "I'm going to miss it."
Rarity rubbed her friend's shoulders. "Hopefully the next planet we move to has plenty of trees."
Doctor Whooves stopped. "That does bring up a good question... where exactly are we going to go."
Dan, at the front of the group, came to a slow stop and then turned around. "Where else is there to go? Back to Earth."
"Earth? The same one we've heard about all this time?" Rarity asked.
Dan shrugged. "Only one I've been to. Probably not the only one but uh... " And that is when it hit him. "That son of a BIIIITCH!!" He spun around and ran down the hall, furious again.
"Dan? What? Hey!" Phoenix shouted. "Who's a son-of-a-bitch?"
"AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa," Dan's rage echoed down the hall as he ran.
Phoenix turned back to Twilight. "I'm going to go find out what this latest development is about. Can you guys get everything loaded into the capsule?"
"We'll take care of it, Phoenix."
"Thanks. Meet you at the tower! Make sure EVERYBODY's there!" The lawyer broke into a run and chased after his friend.
Dan raced up the stairs to the control center with Phoenix right behind him. The lawyer knew not to ask questions- the snarl told him all he needed from Dan on the subject, but he remained curious. They had been duped again, as Dan had said, but how? Were they racing now to stop it or was it already too late?
Tricking Dan and his friends wasn't that difficult. Dan wore his emotions, wore everything about him on the surface. He didn't use deception often and when he did, it was usually through a cheesy disguise or other ruse. Rice had kept them all in the shadows, picked pieces off the board while keeping them guessing and isolated. Rice's true genius was his ability to understand others, after all. Even then though, it was easy to trick Dan and his friends. For the simplest reason of all:
They relied on each other. Rice didn't have to outsmart the smartest of them, even though he could. He could lure the lesser among them- the naive, the inexperienced, the skeptical, and the rest would follow. Break a few off from the herd and it was pretty easy to move them in any direction you chose. You could lead them right back to the barn... or right off a cliff.
"I can't BELIEVE I didn't see it sooner," Dan said. "How could I- WE, have been so foolish?"
"I don't know- what did you see, again? What's this about us getting duped yet again?"
They approached the door to the museum, but it opened before Dan could grab the handle. Or rather, a sword cut the door in half from the other side before Dan could grab the handle.
"GraaaAAAHHH!!"
"NICKY! BATHROBE GUY!"
"You killed it, you idiot!"
Dan fell backwards as the door came down in half on top of him. The odd robe-wearing swordsman from just a few days ago raised his sword again. Breathing heavy and teeth barred, it was clear this man was out for blood. He brought his blade down again with Dan right beneath it, cutting through what was left of the door on top of him.
"Hyeeg!" Phoenix grabbed Dan by his shoulders and yanked him out of the way just as the sword splintered the door. They started running the opposite direction as soon Dan's shoes touched the ground again. Behind them, the stranger stepped over the refuse and was already following them.
They reached the south-east corridor- the former villain gallery, and were able to put some distance between them and the slasher. They were still running down the hall when the stranger shouted at them, and that, and ONLY the fact that he attempted to communicate with them coherently, was what caused Phoenix Wright to turn around and say,
"What?"
"Nicky- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? KEEP RUNNING!"
"You killed this place. You've killed this PLANET!" the man thundered. "How? Why?"
Thinking quickly, Phoenix responded with the only thing that came to him. "It's... complicated."
"Complicated? It's complicated?" the man approached slowly.
"Can you put at least one of the swords away? It's not like you need two," Phoenix suggested.
Surprisingly, he complied, and even put both swords away. The man seemed to be seething with rage, but unlike Dan, he wasn't as open about it. He could hide it, which made him more dangerous.
"There we go, thank you. Now, Dan and I would-" Phoenix turned to Dan, and that was when he noticed Dan had taken the opportunity to bolt. (Should've seen that coming.)
"Don't you run from me!!" The man outstretched his hand and shot a globe-sized glowing green-yellow ball from his palm. The ball crackled through the air, streaking at the back of Dan's head as he ran, sparking with electro-plasma energy. It closed the gap between them quickly... then hit the floor and dissipated.
Dan spun around, feet coming to a stop. Both he and Phoenix stared back at the man, muscles tensed but perplexed. Phoenix himself thought of running at that point but something stayed his feet, perhaps the need to negotiate, the desire to understand. He hated that about himself. It was something he'd need to work on correcting at some point, he thought.
"Dammit!" The robed figure raised his other hand and blue flames shot from the spaces between his fingers. They burned hot enough to heat the space around them; Phoenix could even smell the faint scent of smoke but again, it stopped short of burning them.
"Arrggh!" The man growled again in anger. He raised both his hands and shot lightning, purple-glowing electricity from his finger tips, but it fizzled even shorter than the blue flames had.
Dan clapped. "Not bad, not bad. I mean, you're no Trixie, but I liked the flames, really. If we get you a hat, could you pull a rabbit out of it?"
"Do not mock me! You of all people have no right to mock anyone!"
Dan shrugged. "I don't need the right; I have the ability."
"Are you actually mocking him or would you really have gotten him a hat if he'd said he could pull a rabbit out of it?" Phoenix asked.
Dan thought for a moment. "Mostly column A, little of column B."
"You destroyed this planet! The magic is gone!" Eric shouted. "That potential, that energy, all of it, wasted. The majora was all that was holding your world together- do you have ANY idea what your stupidity has wrought?"
"Woah woah woah woah... woah," Dan said, hands held up. "Woah. Woah."
"Woah," Phoenix joined in.
"Woah."
"Woah?"
"Woah."
"STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU!" Eric stomped the ground, causing vibrations that would've shook the foundation... had they been strong enough.
"Octavia can do ten times that with her cello," Dan commented.
"Why? What would possess you to kill the spirit of a world, the source of its magic?"
"Well," Phoenix tried to level with him, "that's actually pretty complicated."
"She was a creepy stalker and tried to kidnap us. Twilight killed her," Dan stated.
Phoenix looked over at Dan. "Or... it's actually pretty simple."
"Yeah, the Director has to kill everybody on the planet every so often so Equestria can be remade. She thought if she screwed the planet up enough, she wouldn't have to kill anyone," Dan said. "Honestly, I'm surprised I remember half of it."
(You're not the only one.)
Eric shook his head angrily. "No, that's- the majora's a spirit! It's tied to a physical body, a focal point. You could've easily just restrained them and it would've contained and preserved them both! Even the physical damage to the planet could've been undone!!"
"Wait, what?"
"He's saying we could've used Cleo to fix Equestria," Phoenix said. "I... guess he's right about that." (Although I doubt she would've been very helpful.)
"Oh," Dan said. "Well, crap. Oh well."
"OH WELL?" Eric exclaimed. "Oh well... well, I'M going to destroy both of you. I'll kill everyone here, and if that manages to restart the cycle, the majora will return along with this planet's magic. You can both be pleased your deaths will go to a good cause, then!"
Dan folded his arms. "And exactly how are you going to kill us? Your magic's clearly defunct so the fire, lightning and lasers aren't going to do anything except give us something to watch."
"Dan, seriously, he-"
Eric drew his blades. "Fortunately, I still have steel."
"I knew he was going to say that. Dan, really, you walked right into that," Phoenix said.
"Yeah I forgot about those."
"Let me remind you."
"AGAIN, DAN!"
"I'M ALLOWED AN OFF DAY, NICKY!"
The two swords came down, but they never touched Dan or Phoenix Wright. They were intercepted by another blade, a third blade, that none of them had been carrying. A trio of trinagles were etched into its mirror surface.
"Awesome!"
"Oh my god, is that actually-"
Hero of Legends Pony Link
Pony Link's grip shook slightly as he struggled to hold back the robed man. The two bladesmen had their eyes locked on one another. The Master Sword was strong, strong enough that the twin magical blades didn't break it, but Link found his strength matched by his opponent. He didn't blink, didn't flinch. The slightest break in concentration could-
"Hey Link! Oh my god, I can't believe it's actually you! Where have you been, blondie? Out looking for rupees all this time?"
Link glanced at Dan out of the corner of his eye, but his mouth was gripping the hilt of the Master Sword, so he couldn't have spoken even if he waned to. And yeah, we're going with the silent Link protagonist in this story but don't worry, because Dan is going to do enough talking for both of them. Whether I want him to or not.
"Where's something we can hit him with? Dan! Do you still have that gun?"
"Relax, Nicky. Link's got this."
And just like that, Pony Link shifted his hooves to break the blade lock, then blocked the next strike from Eric. He switched back, rolled and then drew his shield, raised to his hindlegs and went on the offensive.
A man in a bathrobe sword-fighting a pony wasn't exactly that weird, compared to what Dan and company usually faced. But Dan enjoyed a good show, and so he found himself watching the one in front of him rather than trying to run. Phoenix was just doing his best to keep his distance, but it was clear the two strange combatants had engaged each other. They were locked into a duel until it was done, and they were evenly matched.
Naturally, when Dan saw two opponents who were evenly matched, he did his very best to make things uneven. Fair fights became boring fights when they lasted too long, sword fights included. Sure, at first, it's cool when two guys are very nearly killing each other with sharp objects, but then they start going through rotations of blocking and parrying and then you're just watching two people clinking metal rods together.
No offense to fencing, kendo or the other sword arts, on or offline, but they're not huge spectator sports in real life.
"I know what to do!" Dan announced.
"And that is?"
"Nicky! Run down to the armory and get something to help Pone Link. I gotta go find Colress and the others!"
Phoenix's eyes darted between Dan bolting and Link and Eric fighting. "Wait, what am I supposed to get? Why can't we go TOGETHER?!"
"You'll know what to do! I have faith in you!"
"Is this about us getting tricked again?"
"YES!" Dan shouted, bolting to the spiral stairs.
Phoenix looked back at the dark horse and the white wizard. Pitched in close combat, the pair exchanged blows in a series of clangs and scrapes. This was not some elaborate dance or choreographed pageant of swordplay; this was brawling with blades. They had entered the phase of combat where they sought to erode each others' endurance until an opening presented itself. It was a game of who would break first. The one that held out until just after that point would be the victor.
Pony Link braced against his shield as Eric battered it. With two blades, Eric was piling on the offense, feeling it was the better strategy. In truth, using two swords at the same time required a lot of dexterity and focus, but it made him more unpredictable. The swords clattered and twanged against Link's Hylian shield while he readied the Master Sword.
As the pony blocked both of his blades with the shield, Eric had to keep himself open for counterattack. If Link was able to repulse both blades at the same time, a simple thrust from the pony would be all it took to end the fight. They were both master swordsmen, but they shared more than talents. They shared history.
"That's a new look for you, boy. Same hat, same sword..." he knocked Link nearly to his feet with the hilt of his sword, momentarily lowering his shield. "Same technique!"
But Pony Link blocked Eric's right-hand sword with his own. Not everything about him was the same.
Shield locked on sword, sword locked on sword, the two were sword-locked, unable to break away and unwilling to relent. They pushed off each other, the furthest the two men had been apart since the fight began.
Eric's eyes glowed a burning red. "This could have been different! This was our ONE CHANCE!"
Link panted, but said nothing. They both knew he wouldn't. Eric held his sword up at him, aiming the steel blade at his neck.
"Still silent, after all these years... are you even a man? Do you even understand what I'm saying to you?"
Link nodded, much to young Ganondorf's surprise. Like every other world the two were reincarnated in, it was as something a little different. The spirit of the hero, Link, had been reincarnated as a young boy on an island, a young man from a ranching town, an elderly blacksmith, a fox, a wolf, and an astronomer to name a few things. Ganondorf likewise had been reincarnated many times, always as a fierce warrior. In Equestria, Link's spirit became a pony while Ganon was reborn as an albino Gerudo.
Eric grinned. "Ha ha ha ha... it's always the same between us. Never victory or defeat total." And then his smile turned to pure rage. "It could've been different this time! The cycle, it could have been broken! Do you even know what that means?"
Link shrugged.
"You clueless idiot!!" Eric ignited his right hand in fire and enshrouded the left one in ice. The corresponding blades took on the elements in his hands. He thrusted his left blade into the ground, and the floor instantly froze over. With the other blade, he slashed through the air, sending fireballs in Link's direction.
Link leaped to the side and immediately regretted that decision. He slipped and slid into the wall, which put him in the perfect position for one of Ganon's fireballs to land right on top of him. He raised his shield, his only defense and was rewarded when the flames were deflected off of it. The fireballs heated up his shield, but he knew he could take the momentary heat to avoid the bursts of flames.
Eric/Young Ganondorf charged forward at the nearly-defenseless Link. Still on the floor, Ganon's magic exhausted, he was going to skewer the pony before he could get up. He ran right for Link, swords held high... and he slid right past him and fell over.
At the same time, Phoenix was carefully considering his options in the armory. Except he didn't have any.
(Damn it! They didn't return the weapons after the Smooze swept through here!) To be fair, they were cleaning the weapons after the Smooze had been destroyed. The foodimals were helping with that. Fortunately, Phoenix did find a toolbox that had been overlooked.
(Okay, what do we have here...) A cordless drill, rubber mallet, industrial glue, measuring tape... Dan could've found a way to combine these things into some kind of weapon, but Phoenix Wright wasn't Dan.
(No, no, no, can't think like that. Alright, Nick... what would Dan do?) The image of Dan riding through the prison on a go-kart with a grenade launcher entered Phoenix's mind. (...Maybe that's not the best idea.) He would have to think on his feet, and he knew it. Without another moment's hesitation, he grabbed the toolbox and left.
At the same time, Dan had arrived in the control tower.
"Colress!"
"Hmm? Oh, hello. Sorry, I tend to get a bit sidetracked when I'm working on calculations. We're almost ready."
Samule, Sendback, the ODSTs, the Imperials Colress were overseeing the repairs to the cannon. The Spiral Staircase, as the cannon was called, hadn't been used in over a thousand years. With the recent damage, it was going to take everything they had just to restore it to fire a single time. Let alone the real problem.
"I need you to work on some new calculations. We're not going to be firing us the first time," Dan said.
"We're not?" Colress looked up, followed by the two donkeys.
Dan shook his head. "You're still going to be aiming for the moon but we need to fire something else first. A bomb."
"You want to blow up the moon now?" Dollars asked. His mask de-blurred for a moment to show the shock on his face.
"I'm not surprised," Samule said.
Kelsan folded his arms. "The planet's stability is rapidly degrading. We may not be able to fire more than one shot."
"We're going to have to," Dan said.
Colress, ever the objective scientist, simply asked, "Why do we need to launch a bomb first?"
"To blow up the moon."
"I called it," Dollars said. The stormtroopers and Kelsan through up their hands, the donkeys only smirked and shook their heads.
"There's a REASON," Dan stared them all down, "Vice Grip is planning on scamming us. He WANTS us to try to take him out and go to Earth. It's a trap."
"Ohhhhh," everybody went.
Dan nodded. "All the crap he's built, the Magic Gears, the Sword Spells, the artificial alicorns, the pink stuff, I'm pretty sure I know what he's going to do next."
"Really?"
"That's a first."
Kelsan walked over to him. "I can see you're learning to think ahead, commendable, but I must ask... what DO you know, Dan? Are you SURE about any of this?"
Dan nodded again, because he had to admit it was a fair question. "He's stolen everything else from us so far. I'm betting he's planning on imprisoning us in the moon. All of us in one place, everything we have with us where he can get to it easiest, I'm betting that was his plan the whole time."
"Actually, he was planning on turning you to stone and hurling you into the sun," a familiar voice said. "But other threats, other civilizations, I'm sure he's going to imprison in the moon. I have to admit though, the whole plan is pretty impressive. A bit impersonal for my taste, but impressive."
The voice was being piped in from the prison's intercom system. It played on every speaker simultaneously, and somehow, it could also pick up what Dan and others were saying. Dan looked around. Security cameras, were trained on him, not the first time, but the first time when he expected to have the home field advantage.
"You just NOW decided to say something?" Dan asked. "You been watching us the whole time?"
"Mostly listening," Barro said. "Not that it's ever been hard to listen to you, Dan. You're like me; we're both good at commanding attention."
"But who's doing the commanding now? You... or Vice Grip?"
"It's Rice, actually. Rice Puddinghead the Fourth. He wasn't lying about that. Neither was anyone else, for that matter."
Dan sighed. "Yes, I get it, his son was killed in a coup attempt and history covered it-."
"Not just history, Dan," the intercom interrupted. "It's been ongoing. There's been many opportunities for the truth to come out. I've been covering this story for a long time- do you realize why Mayor Mare betrayed us?"
Dan spun around. He tried to signal to Colress to trace the signal, even if there probably wasn't much of a point.
"What about you? Going turncoat on us with one of your little space projects. I know your game, too, Mr. Galaga. That's it, isn't it? The ship you're using is the one from the Galaga arcade games that keep popping up?"
"Right again, Dan! Very impressive. And like the ship from the original game-"
Dan remembered back to his time wasting quarters. "It can shoot down anything with a single shot."
"Looks like you've finally figured it out. But actually, the Galaga Gun only works in space, like the game. I've been using a modified ion cannon to hit things on Equestria- remove a few 'troublesome spots.' Mostly to motivate you, though. I needed you to round up the stragglers."
Dan nodded, biting his lip. "The assassins... what was left of Cleo and the guys in the underground fight club."
Kelsan, the gray-shirted Imperial, produced a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his forehead. He'd been sweating.
"I thought you were doing this because of that friend of yours, Barro. The one that's always going on about the raffle? What happened to him? You shoot him down, too?"
"At first, I was. But Rice made me realize how foolish I'd been. I got tired of reporting on dead heroes, being unable to do anything about it. I was going to raise an army right here, use it to finally make things right in my own universe. Rice..." Barro's voice paused for a long moment. "Rice's way is more efficient. Why go to another universe when you can just bring everything to you?"
Dan looked up. "Is that what Rice's latest plan is?"
"Hahaha, no, you don't get to learn that right away I'm afraid."
He threw up his arms. "So what happens now, then? You going to kill us? Wait for us to get up there and just blast us to bits? That it?"
"I'm sure that's what Rice would want me to do. But you know, I'll convince Rice to let you all go on your merry way if..." his voice trailed off into silence. Prompting them all to ask,
"If...?"
"You give me the Imperials with you. The two stormtroopers and the officer, that's all."
Dan looked at Kelsan, Norman and the other guy. He'd never gotten his name. "Just the three of them?"
"Just those three, yes."
A long moment of silence passed. The Imperials stared at Dan- nervous, agitated, ready to run or fight, he didn't know. Maybe all of that.
"What are you going to do with them?"
"I'm going to finish what I started, Dan. I'm going to kill them."
Kelsan drew his sidearm. "And what's stopping you now? The walls, is that it?"
*Krzzzzssshht... krzzzzzt...* The intercom blared static. They didn't know what to think, but they didn't have to; it changed to something far worse a second later.
"Mayday! Mayday, this is ISS Veracity on all channels! We're going down! Repeat, we're going-" "Open distress call broadcasting on all channels: Battle Group Orion sustaining massive casualties, our location is-" "Systems failing, all hands abandon ship! ISS Duantless reporting critical systems failure!" "My scope is dead! Can anyone see the shooter?" "CONTROLS ARE DOWN! ISS Reprisal, fleet support is out of action!" "I copy: cruiser one-dash-one-three-eight is down." "I can't see anything!" "Oh my god..." "Repeat! Battle Group Orion out of action, the fleet is- *kzzzzzzzztt*"
Dollars looked around. "You ever get the feeling that we're completely alone and no help is coming?" Jake nodded.
"That was the rest of your fleet, you know, the one sent to 'establish an Imperial presence' on Equestria? Ring any bells?"
Dan looked back down at Kelsan. "What's he talking about?"
"You ever wonder why they were REALLY here, Dan? You didn't buy that BS about them just doing a little research, did you? No, the Empire doesn't do much research."
"You LIED to me!" Dan yelled. "When we SAVED you!"
Kelsan's hand shook as he held the blaster at Dan. He swallowed hard, and then, for some reason, he slowly lowered it, along with the stormtroopers.
"What I told you... was in good faith. Yes, usually research recon missions are a prelude to occupation but we had not signed off on it yet."
"Oh, bullshit!" Barro said before Dan could answer. "You pompous assholes were swooping in to plant your flag, land troops and install your own governor. Walking around, all over everyone like you own the place. Business as usual."
Dan said nothing. He stared back at the Imps, waiting for them to answer.
Kelsan knew it, and he shrugged again. "He's... well, he's right. There's a substantial Rebel presence on this planet as well. We would have expunged it, then established a permanent occupation to ensure Imperial compliance."
"Occupation. Compliance," Dan repeated, like he could spit both those words out. "You're just a bunch of bureaucratic thugs. No thought, no independent will, just orders. Orders and orders and orders. Your order to establish your own order. No matter what anyone else thinks or says. Disgraceful. Disgusting. It's wrong."
"Wait!" Dollars held up his hand. "It IS wrong." Dan and Kelsan both looked at Dollars, but the soldier pointed to Kelsan. "What HE just said. The Rebels, you made peace with them."
Kelsan squinted. "What are you talking about?"
And that was when Norman took off his helmet. "He's right, sir. We brokered a truce with the Rebel Alliance on Equestria. They agreed to cooperate."
"Oh this is rich. This is just TOO rich. How many times has the Empire betrayed a cease fire before? We've cooperated together before. It never lasts."
Kelsan shrugged a third time. "He's right about that, too."
"ANSWER me this," Dan raised his voice, loud enough for everyone to hear. "You made friends with the Rebels here. This guy did, at least. That's a start. It's at the very, VERY least a step in the right direction, a single good thing." He stepped up to Kelsan and looked him right in the eye, "and the rest of your Imp buddies were on their way."
"Not any more."
"Shut up," Dan said. He took Kelsan's gun out of his own holster. "My question is this: would you have fought for it?"
"What?"
"Would you have fought to keep that truce? Yes or no." Dan had the pistol raised. With a flick, he could have shot Kelsan in the head.
The Imperial officer felt his heart in his chest. He looked down the barrel of his own weapon, then to his subordinates. He didn't really think of them as friends... but they were the closest thing he had to them. He felt the same with everyone else. Something had changed in him, and he didn't know what or why. He didn't know if he could trust the Rebels, Dan or anyone else. The only thing he was sure of was that he was an Imperial officer, born, raised and trained. It was what he was made for.
It was the only thing he was certain of. And he chose to throw that certainty away.
"Yes."
Dan gave a solemn nod. *Blam! Blam-blam-blam!*
*Kreeeessssshhht*
"That's what I think of your offer, Barro," Dan said. He handed the gun back to Kelsan. He left them completely stunned. "Well? Get back to work!"
"What do you mean? What are you going to do about Barro?"
Dan turned around. "I'm going to take Mr. Broadcaster off the air."
The intercom speaker crackled on the ground. "Will there still be time for a raffle?" "Shut up, Michael."
"Hard to believe the whole Crystal Empire is contained within something so small," Rarity said. "And beautiful." She could help but find herself captivated by the jewel. It was so shiny, big and beautiful, and the thought that it would be an excellent centerpiece for a fountain or chandelier inside Carousel Boutique kept popping into her head.
"Well, it is," Twilight said. "So we have to be very, VERY careful with it." She levitated it into her saddlebag.
The Bursavis Prison Complex was cool and dry. Twilight and Rarity's hoofsteps reverberated off the walls and it seemed to echo on forever. The two of them, along with Doctor Whooves, Tuxley, Reginald and a few other random ponies and donkeys that decided to help out, moved everything important into one of the prison's loading chambers. As a prison, it had been the train platform to deliver supplies, personnel and prisoners to the complex, all under heavy guard. They were only just beginning to discover exactly how the complex was a cannon, but that picture was becoming clearer all the time.
The train car that had picked up Dan and company from New Troy originally was one of the 'bullets' for the cannon. This was how the New Baltimare Gun Club reached space: in style and comfort. It was no coincidence that the rails all led from around the country to the cannon. From the four cities, a party of adventurers could easily take a train to the moon itself, so to speak. Once the car reached the complex, it was loaded into the barrel of the gun.
Energy and magic from all four corners of the kingdom flooded a massive chamber beneath the barrel. Each of the four major cities was known for a specific export- New Troy had liquor, Spurlin had soup, Mesaco City had corn syrup and Burropolis was famous for soft drinks. All these things in massive quantities were used to create an explosive force powerful enough to launch an object into space. Took one helluva mixture to do it.
"That looks to be about everything," Doctor Whooves said. "So..." he looked around. "You do have a plan to load all of this onto the train with enough room for everyone else, right? Because I don't see how we're going to fit as is."
"We have a plan for this," was all Twilight replied with, calm resolve in her tone easing and closing the matter.
"Right, I guessed as much."
Twilight inhaled, then exhaled. "It's time to start boarding. Rarity, Doctor Whooves, can you round up everyone and get them here?"
The Doctor saluted. "No one left behind on our watch, Twilight. I'll see it done." He trotted off.
Rarity looked behind her. "Even without the books... the train car seems awfully small for all of us."
"It will be enough, Rarity. Trust me."
"Oh um, but of course, Twilight," she turned around again. "I'm sure we'll... manage."
It was too risky to tell Rarity the whole plan. Twilight didn't suspect her, but it was clear there were too many within earshot, too many loose lips, too much to account for. They had one last shot, in more ways than one, of escaping Equestria before the planet exploded.
In truth, Equestria died an angry death rather than fiery or explosive one. The sky, the land, the seas, all were crafted by the Fausticorn and magic was what held it all together. It gave the world life, reason, purpose. Without it, it would literally shear itself to pieces all the way to its core until nothing was left but the lifeless core which had been the source of its magic. Strangely enough, when all was done, Equestria would resemble its own moon.
As Twilight was about to leave to check on Dan and the others, Captain America walked in.
"Steve?"
"We have another problem."
"Great."
On the roof of the western tower, Cap and Knight gathered by a statue that hadn't been there before. Or rather, it had been there before, but it had been covered up by the prison generator.
"All eight tributary fuel lines have fractured under stress. No fuel can be pumped into the ignition until repairs are made to each line. Additionally, fuel will need to be pumped and monitored from each cardinal source."
"That's not the worst part. Tell her the rest."
The tiny mech pony looked up at her. "At present, we do not have the knowledge required to operate the cannon."
"You don't know how it works?"
She nodded firmly and adorably. "That is correct."
Twilight turned around. "Have you examined the statue?"
"We have," Cap said, rubbing his neck.
"I have a complete analysis of is physical construction available for viewing. After consulting with unit-Ace and unit-Vol, we have determined it is 'neat.' We have not been able to determine its function."
Twilight powers: actiaved. "Hmm, let's see..." She teleported to a point just above the statue to examine its head. Then, ported to the base to examine its base. Then again, to just in front of it to examine the front legs.
The four towers of the prison each had a statue positioned in the center, each one a monument to the original members of the New Baltimare Gun Club. The astronomer, the shootist, the connoisseur and the up-and-comer, all the donkeys that originally started the cannon project. They were surprisingly realistic and each were in a specific pose, holding the gun club's iconic treasures: the wine bottle, the range rifle, the telescope and the slingshot.
"Hmmmm," Twilight said. Then she zapped away for almost a full minute. In the distance, Cap and Knight could see other purple flashes, indicating Twilight was warping between the different towers. Her power was truly incredible now that she'd become accustomed to it.
She appeared back in front of Cap and Knight. "I think I've got it. Cap, come stand here."
"On it."
"When I say 'now,' lift up the telescope."
"The telescope?" Cap looked at the statue. The donkey mare with glasses depicted had a smile on her face and a telescope in her right hoof. She was leaning forward on it like a cane for support.
"It's attached to the base, though."
"Captain Rogers' strength will cause the statue to break if he attempts this measure."
"Just trust me," Twilight said to both of them. "And get ready."
"Alright," Cap said. Twilight zapped out again and Cap gripped the statue with both hands.
Phoenix returned to find Link and Eric still locked in combat. He nearly slipped before he noticed the floor was covered in water for some reason. Despite this, both swordsmen were still standing, still fighting and neither looked willing to give up. They looked exhausted to Phoenix, but neither managed to land a single blow. Still, they kept going.
"The gods could have been defied here!" Eric, or Ganondorf roared. "Our destiny, for once, not decided by those three damn golden triangles!"
Link's eyes narrowed before coming at him with another slash. Did some part of him agree, perhaps? Or was Hyrule's fated hero loyal to his destined duty above all else? He answered with another blow and not a single word.
Phoenix could've said something himself. Part of him wanted to. The old Phoenix Wright, the one who only knew of battle in the courtroom, the one before he came to Equestria, would have. This Phoenix Wright, however, had grown and learned. Not everything could be solved with a few words. He felt the weight of the toolbox in his grip.
He crept up behind Eric, still keeping a good distance between them, and considered his options. With the glue, the drill and the tape measure, he thought of ways he could subdue the bathrobe'd ninja. He could drill a couple holes in the floor, blind him with the glue and then tie him up with the tape measure. Or he could wrap the tape around his neck, use the drill to pin him to the wall and use the glue to hold him in place. Phoenix tried to think what Dan would do.
He imagined Dan creating some sort of huge trap, Dan using the tape as a lasso, creating a false door, and then he felt the weight of the toolbox in his hand.
"Hmmm."
Eric was furious. He'd lost count how many times he'd done this. Forgotten how many times he'd invaded Hyrule, snatched Princess Zelda, tried to take the infernal power of the gods for himself. This was finally his chance to get over all that, to start anew, and Link wasn't letting him do that. As usual. The only thing Eric had right now was pain and it consumed his focus. So much so he didn't notice the blue-suited lawyer walking up behind him. Until he tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey Eric, can you check something for me?"
Slowly, Eric turned and said, "What?"
*BAMF* And Phoenix hit him in the face with the toolbox.
"Thanks."
Eric hit the floor like a fallen log, his two swords half a moment later. Link caught his breath for a moment, then looked up at Phoenix and gave him a single nod.
"You're welcome."
But Link hadn't put away his sword. What he did next was unexpected: he walked up to where Eric lay out cold, sword drawn. And he raised it.
"Uh, you don't need to-"
And brought it down on the back of the man's head.
"Oh for- wow, what the... TriForce did he do to you?" Phoenix asked, shocked. He held up his hands and averted his gaze, wholly stunned by Link's brutality. It took him a full minute to question Link's actions, to which he received no answer, before he turned around again to see Eric's body encased in stone.
The Master Sword was embedded in the back of the now-stone young Ganondorf's head. A statue now, until hatred saw him reborn yet again.
In truth, Eric Fyyar, young Ganon, had been correct about Equestria; it could have changed their destiny. But it would have had to start with Ganondorf rather than the world itself. That was what he failed to understand. It wasn't enough to just get a second chance no, you had to make something of it.
Link released his grip on the Master Sword's hilt. The blade stuck firm in the stone that was Ganondorf. Was it like the stone of Equestria and he was somehow magically encased in it? Or was it something else entirely? Maybe Link himself wondered that. Either way, he found himself without a weapon, so he picked up one of Eric's swords, looked it over briefly and then placed it in his empty sheath.
"So, um, thank you for helping us out with the uh... that guy," Phoenix said. "Anyway, the planet is going to explode or something, so do you want to come with us?"
Link nodded.
"Great! Now we have another guy with a shield. I'm sure you'll get along with Dan... well, at least, your chances of getting along with Dan are..." Phoenix followed the thought to its logical conclusion. "...I'm sure you'll get along with everybody else just fine. And don't worry about Dan. He's a good guy most of the time."
Phoenix was about to lead his new companion back to Dan and the others when Pony Link produced a signature item of his.
"Uh... oh, that's the ocarina! I remember that! That's from the Ocarina of Time, isn't it? Does that mean THAT's the Ocarina of Time?"
But even while Phoenix was asking, Link had closed his eyes to play. And yes, it was in fact the Ocarina of Time. Link was now playing it.
The melody of the Song of Time echoed through the complex. Phoenix was going about to ask another question when Pony Link disappeared.
"I... but you said..." Phoenix looked around fruitlessly. He sighed. (Why don't people ever just say what they mean?)
"Nicky!! What are you doing standing around? Come help me kill the author!"
"Oh- Dan! Hey, we took care of the bathrobe guy."
Dan looked down at Eric, stuck to the ground with the sword. "Bit overkill for my taste, but good job."
"No no no no," Phoenix waved the notion away, "I just snuck up behind him and hit him with a toolbox. You would've been so proud of me, Dan!" (Why do I want his respect? Oh crap... I actually want his respect.)
And Dan gave it to him. "I am proud of you, Nicky. Good job. The easiest solution is usually the best. Just like I trained you. And you skewered him to finish him off, excellent work."
"No no NO. That wasn't me- that was Pony Link."
"Oh yeah?" Dan asked, looking around. "And where is he now?"
Phoenix rubbed his neck. "I think he teleported using the ocarina."
"Wonderful. OH! BUT HE LEFT THE MASTER SWORD!" Dan immediately ran over to yank it out of Eric.
"Dan, maybe you shouldn't-" Could he even? Phoenix tried to stop Dan but he had already wrapped his grubby hands around the hilt of the legendary blade of evil's bane and began pulling it. But it didn't budge.
"I don't think you can lift it out. It's meant for only the chosen hero to wield it. Meaning Link."
"Blah blah blah, come and give me a hand with this, Nicky, it's just stuck."
Reluctantly, Phoenix walked over to help. He grabbed the hit along side Dan's hands and pulled hard. The sword did not move an inch.
"It's not moving."
"N-n-no, pull at the same time as me."
Despite further protests, Dan continued to insist the sword could be removed. Neither of the two men noticed that something else had found its way in the prison complex; a tune had begun to play. Like a large ocarina, wind was now blowing through the perforations in the prison causing it to produce a sound almost like music.
In fact, it was music.
Twilight Sparkle was beginning to admire the construction of the cannon as she slowly deciphered it. And she was the only one left in Equestria who really could; the other students of magic were either awaiting rescue from Rice or within the Crystal Heart in her saddlebag.
"Okay, it's coming together," Twilight announced.
"Continued analysis indicates an overall seventy-percent change in the physical composition of the structure."
"Really? You can tell all that just from looking at it?" Cap asked.
Knight nodded. "Affirmative."
"I think that about does it," Twilight said. She hovered down to the ground again. The statue of the donkey mare had changed dramatically. When she started, the statue had been hunched over but now, it looked to be in the middle of a dance, holding its telescope high above it in one hoof aimed at the sky. Wind whistled through holes both in the statue and the halls of the prison, carrying a series of notes as the prison shifted.
Turning and adjusting the statues was reconfiguring the complex. It was just a matter of finding the right combination. The cannon was like an enormous puzzle and Twilight was slowly solving it.
"This doesn't solve the problem of gunpowder. Or, the stuff that powers the cannon," Cap said.
"I believe we may be able to help."
"Hostile identified."
"Wait!" Behind them, Reed Roamer had apparently arrived. A pair of his associates flanked his larger sides, as usual, but they didn't seem to be armed this time. Cap readied his shield anyway.
"We're not here for a scrap," Reed said. "It don't take no genius to figure this slice of paradise ain't got long. I undastand your current predicament, and I and my associates are willing to help."
Twilight approached, skeptical look on her face. "Reed Roamer, the crime boss."
"And recurring Daring Do villain featured in three books, two comics and a graphic novel."
The fat purple dog bristled at the mentioning of Daring Do. "AND I didn't get paid for those... references either."
Technically, Daring Do had changed Reed's name to Big Rover in her books to avoid having to pay him for using his likeness. Anyone who knew Reed and read the book would be able to figure out it was him, though; Daring Do's novels were based on her actual adventures.
"What exactly are you proposing?"
"How the hell are you still so fucking fat when the world is ending?" Cap asked. And immediately regretted it. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. It's been a really long day."
"No offense taken," the corpulent canine said, "Canolis do not eat themselves and with my restaurants suddenly out of business, that led to quite a few that were going to spoil."
"That would be your 'legitimate business' I take it," Twilight said. "And what about your illegitimate ones? I thought you wanted out of the criminal life entirely."
He nodded. "Very much so, ya highness. Right now, I and my guys ain't got no biness to speak of whatsoeva. You're gettin' off dis rock, I and my boys here want in."
Twilight tapped her hoof to her chin. "And what do we get in return?"
Reed knew he was getting somewhere, his big grin showed that. "I have plentya guys in each of the four cities ready to fix and switch on da pipes. I know yous guys are plannin' on using da cannon to get outta here and you're gonna need my help."
"How exactly do you know about the cannon?" Cap asked.
"My construction company has done a lotta repair work on dis prison over da years. It's one of our longest-standing contracts, actually, so I have plenty of dogs with experience to spare," Reed explained, still beaming.
"And you used it as a prime place to recruit those with less-honorable motives to your cause," Twilight said.
One of the problems with Reed's 'legitimate businesses' was that they covered his illegitimate ones. Having been a career criminal for almost his entire life, Reed was adept at predicting things, part of the reason he wanted the legendary mask of Masquerade Mountain in the first place. But now, as the law was closing in, and with the current state of things in Equestria, he just genuinely wanted out.
Reed removed his hat. "Look, I ain't been a good guy my whole life. I'm past the point where sorry is enough. But I'm still sorry. This... this all goes beyond dat, though. I need this. For me, for my guys, we ain't got nothin' if we don't get a second chance. If not here, then, wherever the hell we wind up."
"Will this make us in debt to the mob? What's left of it?" Cap asked.
"Look around ya. There ain't nothing left of it."
One of his associates, Snaps, who is based off of Clamps from Futurama, chose that moment to pipe up.
"The boss is right. I... I don't got a wife. Or a family. But I'd like to do something, ya know, more than just being anudda goon."
"Really?" the other crony asked. "Like what?"
Snaps' face turned into a bright smile. "I wanna own a miniature golf course. A nice one, ya know? With real grass. And more than just a windmill or some goofy clown- like, with a mountain and a tiny castle. And a pirate ship hole that's in a real lake."
"Wow, that's... that's a really nice dream," Cap admitted.
"And a petting zoo! With go-karts!"
"Getting a little overboard there," Cap added.
"No, they actually have those," Twilight said.
"Really?"
"Well, I don't know about the petting zoo but there's the Dave and Bluster's in Cloudsdale. It had go-karts, an arcade and mini golf. We went there for Rainbow's birthday one year," Twilight recalled.
"I WANT MINE TO HAVE A PETTING ZOO. WITH GO-KARTS!"
"Okay, okay, calm it down," Reed said. He turned back to Twilight, "So, do we have an accord?"
"Hmm," Twilight thought. "What would Dan say?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Knight produced a recording of Dan.
Which somehow summoned the real Dan with Phoenix in tow.
"That's my copyrighted voice! I want it back!"
"Where have you been, Dan?" Twilight asked. "What's that?"
Dan held up the broken hilt of the Master Sword. "Umm... I don't wanna talk about it. Does anybody have a shovel?"
"Uh, excuse me?" Reed interjected, "Can we get some closure here? Princess Twilight? Please, ya highness?"
"OH MAI GAWD," Dan exclaimed. "It's the end of the world! How the hell are you still so fucking fat?"
"That's what I asked him. Apparently, canolis have an expiration date."
"And so does da planet, so can we please get on wit dis?" Reed asked.
Phoenix stepped forward. "What exactly do you want?"
"He wants amnesty for himself and his cohorts and to come with us in exchange for helping fix the cannon," Twilight explained.
"I want a mini-golf course with a petting zoo!"
"Can you please shut up?"
"LOOK!" Dan shouted, "I don't give a flying, floating, falling fat fuck what anybody wants! If you want to help, do it now, I have to go kill the author!"
"What author?" Reed asked. "You need somebody bumped off? I can help with that."
"NO YOU CAN'T. NICKY, SHOVEL. NOW." And Dan stomped off to find the instrument he is apparently going to kill me with, somehow, while I'm in space and he's on the ground. Honestly, I don't like his chances.
"So," Reed said, approaching Twilight slowly, carefully. "Do we have a deal?"
Twilight sighed, reached out her hoof and shook his chubby paw. "Deal."
Eventually, Dan found a shovel. While it was still important for them to fix the cannon, everybody took a few moments to watch Dan to see if he could actually shoot down the author. They gathered around at the edge of the tower while he apparently got ready.
They had all questioned Dan's actions before. His methods, his goals, everything about him that either didn't seem to have a reason or had the wrong reason, they had questioned. In spite of all his flaws and faults, Twilight, Phoenix, Cap, they all had learned to trust Dan. Not through blind faith or desperation did they follow him, but because he fought for them. And he could do the impossible.
That left them with but one option left.
"Fifty bits on Dan! Who's taking?" "Oh, I'm in on that." "Give me seventy on Barro!" "Put me down for forty bits on Dan." "This is a comb." "I'm good for it." "This isn't even a good comb." "Can you raise me a good comb, maybe?" "No."
Donkeys, griffons, ponies and others joined in the betting pool. None of them were from Equestria; they all happened to be in other places when they got word the world was ending. Most were either Badlanders or outlaws. For the moment at least, they were all allies. What little money each of them carried, many were now choosing to gamble.
Resting, Twilight rested her head on her forelegs as she watched Dan. "Whaddaya think Dan's odds are?"
"I could not begin to guess, dearest Twilight," Rarity said, resting as well. "I don't see how Dan is going to duel Barro if one is on the ground and the other is in space."
"Given the known variables, Dan's chances of successfully disabling Barro's craft are seven-hundred and ninety-six-thousand, four-hundred and forty-two to one."
"Put me down for another hundred on Barro!" "All you have is a comb!" "How about two combs?" "YOU ONLY HAVE ONE!" "I'm good for it." "Fuck off."
"Never tell me the odds!" Dan shouted from down below. "Unless I specifically tell you to tell me the odds. In that case, you can tell me the odds, when I ask you. But if I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know. So never tell me the odds!"
He yelled this all while digging. His plan apparently involved a rather large hole, which he dug in the center of the Bursavis complex.
"You need any help, Dan?" Phoenix asked.
"I got it, Nicky, thanks."
Cap, Chris, Tuxley and Reginald kept a lookout while the others took a break.
"Would either sirs like to take part in the latest wager?" Reginald asked, the slightest hint of a smile on his face. In truth, he was trying to distract himself from the fact he was the only crystal pony not currently inside the Crystal Heart itself.
"No, thank you, Reginald," Tuxley replied. "Gentlemen, if I may pose a conundrum to you."
"Shoot," Chris said.
He turned to them and removed his top hat. "It's what the Director, Cleo said pertaining to our... roles, so to speak."
"What she said about survivors, you mean?" Cap asked. The dinosaur nodded. Cap folded his arms. "I can understand what she wanted. She wanted to learn how we could endure so much in order to help the ponies endure."
"Yeah, this isn't exactly the first time everything's all gone to hell in my book," Chris interjected. "If you're worried about survivor's guilt, well, we all go through that our own way. We all find ways to cope."
Tuxley shook his head. "It's not that."
"Sir?"
"Well, if she wanted to learn from us, she could've simply asked. Obviously, she wanted us to teach by example, to demonstrate. And this was a massive test for us all," Tuxley explained.
"Yes, if everything was part of a grand plan for her then..." Cap was thinking out loud but part of him started to feel uncomfortable as he followed the train of thought. And Tuxley noticed this.
"If she was wanting for us to teach others, and in fact build a better Equestria, the Director would have had to have some way to record this. Or someone," Tuxley explained.
"DAN!" The four started shouting over the side of the tower. "DAN, STOP!!"
But Dan was too deep into his second hole to hear them. Two holes, not quite right next to each other, one could only guess as to what he was doing with them.
Twilight, however, was within earshot. "What's going on?"
"We think this might be another trap," Cap said quickly.
"Since when ISN'T it a trap?" Twilight asked. A little tired and a little overconfident, she braced her shoulders against the ledge. "Equestria has been destroyed, the whole planet is next, what could possibly happen to us next?"
"We think," Cap began.
"That maybe," Chris added.
"Killing Barro," Reginald continued.
"Might erase us all from existence," Tux finished.
Twilight frowned. "That's been the concern from the beginning. Yes, I know, we're taking a big risk but he IS trying to kill us first. We don't know for sure, but we're hoping for the best. Okay guys?"
Tuxley swallowed first, followed by the rest of them. "We think-"
"Don't do that again. Just spit it out."
"The Director might've known about this; she might've been counting on it."
Twilight's eyes widened. "Oh... DAN!!"
"DAN!!"
Twilight joined everyone in shouting over the side of the balcony. Until Cap tapped her shoulder and said, "You know, you could just fly down or teleport to him, right?" She zapped down to him instantly. Not knowing which hole he was currently digging in, she stuck her head in the nearest one and yelled, "DAN!"
And was hit in the face with dirt.
"Hey Twilight. No, no helping; I said I was going to take down Barro alone, didn't I?"
"Dan," she wiped the dirt off with a magic squeegee spell, "It's a trap."
He popped his head out of the ground. "WHO TOLD YOU?!?!?!"
"No, not what you're do- wait, is that what it is?"
"Uhhh- uh, no. That's not what this is at all. Now, go back to the tower and wait with the others. Just be warned: the first two rows are a splash zone~" he said with a delightfully sinister grin.
"Splash zone? Dan, seriously, we think the Director WANTS you to kill Barro."
Dan popped out again. "How in the squeeing squee does she even DO this kind of crap?"
Twilight levitated Dan out of the hole. "Barro's writing this story. Like, right now, as we're talking."
Still hovering, he folded his arms. "I get that. And if the guy writing the story dies, no story. That's just the THEORY, though, mind you."
She shook her head. "The Fausticorn needed a physical avatar in this universe to create Equestria. The same logic could apply to Barro."
Dan's eyes widened. "He might need a physical avatar in order to record what's happening. To keep writing, to keep going, the pony Barro has to keep watching. Which he's been doing... this... whole... time..."
A door slammed open. Doctor Whooves came galloping out. "I got it! I don't know how, but I was able to get the railway pieces you wanted! Is this going to be enough?"
"Slow down, Doctor," Dan said as Twilight levitated him down.
"What is all this for? Don't we need the rails for the cannon?"
"We're just borrowing a couple of pieces so we can kill Barro. Borrow... Barro. Barrow... yeah," Dan said.
"Question, is he not the one penning the entirety of our existence?"
Dan nodded. "As we are talking, yes."
He looked back and forth between Twi and Dan. "Wouldn't it be, um, bad then, for him to be um... harmed? Incapacitated? Murdered in some such manner like you're planning on doing?"
Dan rolled his eyes. "MAYBE... I DON'T KNOW."
"Can you repeat the question?"
"Don't." Dan took a step back, frustrated. Frustrated in so many ways, it was frustrating him thinking of the amount of things frustrating him, which added to the amount of things frustrating him. He thought about where he fit in with things. He was used to people being fascinated with him for whatever reason. Usually, he thought it was creepy, but it was also nice having someone document his story. Saved him the trouble of doing it himself.
The sky was clouded high above them. It was like the sand underfoot was streaming up into the horizon, countless grains flowing in a river overhead. Below, him on the ground standing, immovable, his friends around him following his methods in their own ways. The shovel in his hand, a tool.
Real in one world, opposite in another, and the will to change them.
That, and convenience.
Dan shrugged. "Well, you brought the stuff so might as well try this out." He grabbed the railroad pieces off of the Doctor's back.
Twilight and Doctor exchanged frowns. "Just when you think he's going to make this profound, life-changing decision, you realize he's doing it because he's lazy."
"Things will work out, Doc. And if they don't, we'll MAKE them work out," Dan said, which was profound enough. He grabbed the railway pieces and threw them in the hole.
"How?"
"We'll figure that part out later." He jumped back down into the hole, Twilight levitated the shovel over it and he grabbed it.
After a few more minutes of digging, Dan was ready. He hopped back out of the hole again, dirty, bruised but triumphant. "Alright, I'm ready to go. We're ready to kill the author."
"What's next? Killing the audience?" Whooves asked.
Dan smiled at the camera. "Maybe."
"Dan," glared Twilight. "They haven't even done anything." She then added with a bright Twilight smile, "Except lovingly support us!" The fourth wall was shown no mercy in this chapter. Turning back to Dan, she concluded by saying, "They haven't done anything to piss you off."
"Some of them have. Others, matter of time. But we'll get to them later my purple apprentice. For now, it's time to terminate a broadcast. By terminating a broadcaster." He pulled out his cell phone and called me.
A white-hot shot streaked through the space between the planet Equestria and her moon. The bolt of red illuminated the space, briefly turning inky black into nothing but a blinding flash for the fraction of a second. It melted through bits of metal and rock and debris as it scorched through the emptiness to finally pierce its target. The cylindrical starship that had been attempting to hide among the wreckage was cut in half by the shot, then exploded in an instant.
Another probe, it had been. One of many that had invaded Equestria's airspace over the past few months. All of them had been destroyed by Barro, operating as a captive gunner in his starfighter orbiting Equestria. Rice Grip's captive, so long as the scientist had Michael. Since then, entire fleets of ships had arrived in orbit only to be shot down by Barro, all at Rice's command. Like unsuspecting fish, they were caught. None could outreach Barro's broad cast.
Barro had to admit, it was yet another stroke of genius from Rice. A satellite defense grid or minefield could be hacked or disabled. Like the clever prey triggering the mousetrap intentionally to get the cheese. No, a manned trap was a smarter one.
"Hey Barro? You there?"
"Yeah, Michael." After the initial negotiating, Rice had allowed Barro to speak to Michael via radio. "How are things with that new guy?"
"I dunno, really. But I think they stopped fighting. They don't seem to be yelling any more, anyway."
"Rice probably killed him, then."
"I don't think so. I can't really tell, but it sounded like they came to some sort of agreement."
"Hmmm," Barro said. "Probably not good but I don't think it matters to us any. We'll be out of here before he does anything."
"Back to Voss, then?"
Barro nodded to himself. "Back to Voss. And Taris."
There was silence on the other end of the radio for a while. "...I would have liked to have seen the raffle."
"There's not going to be a raffle."
"I know. I was kind-of hoping we could make one. We already have the tickets."
"We still could. We just get some prizes and... we'll do it," Barro said. After all they'd been through, it seemed fitting enough. Wherever they ended up, whether it was back following the same war or another one, they could at least do this together.
But Michael said, "I don't want to start over again."
"Michael-"
"You said 'no more dead heroes,' Barro. We wouldn't be covering that kind of stuff any more. This was supposed to be different."
Barro shook his head. The ship responded to his movements, making its own equivalent of a head-shake. "It WAS different."
"It didn't end differently..." Michael said, his voice hiding none of what he was feeling right now.
"Well," Barro said, "it's not still not over. Not yet. We could still-"
*Vrzzzzzzzznnn. Vrzzzzzzznnn.* Not the ship's comms system but another communicator reacted with a call- his phone.
"Mikey, I'm gonna have to call you back."
"Okay."
"Hello?"
Back on the surface
"Hey! Barro! Hi, what's up, good buddy?"
"You know what I want, Dan. Give up the Imps, I'll let you and the others leave," Barro said. "I know you're at the prison complex, even if I can't penetrate it. You launch yourself up here, I'll shoot down anything you even try to break orbit with."
Dan had a big fake smile plastered on his face as he stood next to his two holes. "Eeyep, I'm sure you could. But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about."
Barro was still all-business. "You're never going to rendezvous with Khan. I intercepted your call to him, Dan. He can't hide from me forever and neither can you. Give me what I want and go free."
A lump formed in Dan's throat and he did his best to swallow it. "You... found out about that, did you?"
"Is that a bad thing?"
"Shhh, Doctor!" Twilight shushed him. It was rude to interrupt someone when they were on the phone. Even if they were on speaker phone; Dan had to put Barro on speaker to hear him over the sound of the sandstorm surrounding the complex.
"Well, heh, that doesn't change anything," Dan said, sounding intentionally brash. He walked carefully between the two holes in the ground.
"Is that right?" Barro asked, sounding thoroughly unconvinced.
But Dan kept his confidence, whether it was genuine or not. No one could tell either way; maybe it was both.
Part of Twilight was regretting not asking Dan more about his plan. A larger part of her, however, trusted him. And the entirety of her very clever mind knew that that was the entire point. No amount of knowledge, whether it was about the arcane or the advanced, humans or ponies or anything in between, even if you could predict the very future itself, you could still be surprised. Dan was simply full of surprises.
"That's right. Because I've joined the Empire."
A long silence followed. Twilight and Doctor Whooves were wondering exactly where Dan was going with this themselves. But Dan simply beamed, as if he'd made it a matter of pride.
"...You what?"
"Equestria's joining the Galactic Empire, Barro. They made a really good offer and Twilight- err, Princess Twilight, and myself have agreed to it," Dan said. He gave Twilight a wink as he did so.
"You CAN'T do that. There's not even a planet or a kingdom left to give them. You're bluffing."
Dan's smile grew wider. "Am I? AM I?"
"Are you?"
"Shut up. Don't mind that. ANYWAY no, I'm NOT bluffing." Dan produced a small cylinder from his pocket. "I still have that commlink thingy that Edge gave me. The same one you use to contact your own squadron."
Barro's voice became incredibly cold. "How do you know about that?"
Dan spun around to Twilight. "What YOU need to know is that I have it. With all your little codes and frequencies on it, too. And I'm going to hand it over to the Imps."
"You're not going to do a fucking thing."
"Well, of course I'm not!" Dan said. And then he quickly added, "Because I already gave them your codes." He then threw the commlink straight down and ran at Twilight and Whooves yelling,
"What YOU need to know is that I have it. With all your little codes and frequencies on it, too. And I'm going to hand it over to the Imps."
Barro's eyes went wide. The commlink was like a phone, but more advanced. It kept records of every frequency used by the computers, radios, sensors and equipment used by the Rebel Alliance. Easily accessible with a datapad or any data-reading device, it was able to send and receive signals from computers to droids to starships to starbases to people. If one captured it, they potentially had the codes to every computer in the Alliance.
"You're not going to do a fucking thing," Barro said back. He charged up the railgun again and this time, aimed it for the surface. Knowing the codes of his own commlink, Barro was able to pinpoint Dan's exact location. He regretted doing this, but it was too important to leave in Dan's hands.
"Barro, I don't think you should-" Michael's voice came back. He hadn't hung up.
"This doesn't concern you, Michael, get off the channel!"
"Well, of course I'm not!" Dan's voice came back.
The railgun charged up, but Barro held back from firing.
"Think this through- this doesn't seem right," Michael said again.
"I..." he looked down at the controls, thought of Michael. "Maybe you're right. Maybe... we..."
"Because I already gave them your codes."
Barro fired.
Twilight had enough time to put a shield around herself, Doctor Whooves and Dan just as the sky began to turn red. A massive beam broke through the clouds, so loud as it burned the sky that Dan's voice screaming at her was drowned out completely.
As the bolt came down, the sheer force of the energy it took down with it was enough to blast the walls of the prison complex like the explosion of a bomb. A bomb bigger than anything the Blast Sisters had yet concocted, more powerful than a sonic rainboom. It was the force of the beam simply colliding with the air itself that caused the explosion of force; it hadn't even hit the ground yet.
The beam struck right where Dan had thrown down the commlink, vaporizing the tiny cylinder of metal in an instant. It kept going and disintegrated the dirt, drilling down into the holes Dan dug. No one but Dan knew that the holes actually connected at the bottom and that was where he had laid the railroad pieces. But, it became evident to Dan that his plan had worked when he saw the beam shoot down into the hole... and then right back out.
Barro was waiting for the explosion on the surface. A crackling sound from his own communicator told him before his eyes did that the commlink had been destroyed, however. He looked briefly to the communicator in his cockpit before turning his eyes back to the surface to see the shot he fired coming right back at him.
"Oh fuck."
Another explosion filled the skies of Equestria. When it was done, Barro's own starfighter had been added to the debris field above the planet.
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM* It was like the sun had broken through to the surface, only replaced with a bright red supernova. A bright explosion pierced the sandstorm above them, bathing Equestria in bright crimson light.
Backs up against the wall, Dan, Twilight and Doctor Whooves looked up to see the explosion that had been Barro the Broadcaster.
"Ha... HAHAHAHA!" Dan jumped to his feet. "See? I TOLD you I could take out the author."
"Well, you were right," Twilight said. She levitated them all back up to the tower. As she did, everyone who had been taking shelter inside came back out. They all looked up towards the sky.
"Wow... Dan, I can't believe you did it," Phoenix said.
"So, wait a minute," Doctor Whooves interrupted, "if THAT was the guy writing the story, who's writing it now?"
"That would be us for the moment," Tuxley said. "Keep going, Reginald, easy pace."
"I'm trying, sir."
"Here's more paper."
"Very good, sir."
Near the side, a very frantic Reginald was typing away at a typewriter while Tuxley fed it paper.
"So THEY'RE writing the story now?" Dan asked. He looked around. "We're still here, in case anybody hadn't noticed. You know, I didn't hear a 'thank you, Dan, for saving our asses yet again,' yet."
"Okay, so Reginald is writing the story now," Doctor Whooves said. "But he can't stop writing?"
"Get him more paper!" "MORE PAPER!"
And then, the typerwriter jammed. "It's jammed."
"OH NOOOOOO!"
"What's going to happen now?" Cap asked.
"I don't know," Twilight said. They all looked around.
"We're all still here," Phoenix said. "Does that mean...?"
"Either Dan didn't kill Barro," Twilight started.
Before Dan interrupted, "Oh, I definitely killed Barro." He held up the cell phone. "See? Nothing."
Twilight tapped her chin. "Then... that must mean..."
"Someone else is writing the story!!" they all exclaimed.
"Great job, Dan!" Cap exclaimed. He was the first and then the rest joined in, congratulating him, thanking them, hugging him despite him not wanting it.
"You're the best, Dan, always knew it!" Phoenix said. (I'm so happy we're not dead!)
Dan beamed genuinely this time. "Yes, yes, I truly am awesome and the best thing ever, keep it coming. Now, who bet on me and who bet on Barro? I wanna know names. And I want my share of the winnings."
Twilight looked back up at the sky. She had found it hard to believe herself. But, another part of her knew it had always been possible. She was relieved she listened to that part of herself, that part of her that just believed in her friends. And believed in Dan.
After beating up a few people and taking money that had been bet on him, Dan joined Twilight. "Not a bad sight, huh?"
"Nnnope. Good work as always, Dan."
Surprisingly, Dan put his arm around her shoulders. "I couldn't have done it without you, Twilight."
She nodded. "I'm happy to believe in you."
"No, I mean the shield spell. That thing's really handy- we would not have survived without it."
She nodded again. "You're welcome, Dan." He hadn't said the words "thank you," but in her heart, he knew he meant something that was pretty much the same. Or as close as Dan could get to it. In the end, that was close enough.
Just as they were watching the sky, something else broke through. From the centered of the red explosion, just as it faded, an object appeared. It scorched its way down to Equestria, smoldering and black.
"What is that?"
"SHIELD AGAIN! SHIELD AGAIN! EVERYBODY TAKE COVER!" Dan dove with Twilgiht and hit the deck as the object crashed into the center of the complex, right where they had been minutes earlier. It crashed into the dirt and sent a shower of sand and smoke up over the prison walls.
When it cleared, Dan and gang looked over the side again. "It's a spaceship!"
"Holy shit," Phoenix remarked. "You really DID shoot down Barro."
The entire group made their way down to the middle of the complex. The wreckage of the vessel, still smoldering and smoking from reentry and the explosion that destroyed it, was strewn about the yard.
Dan got closest to it. He clapped his hands, "Alright! Who's got a camera? Fifty bits for a picture of the one-and-only Dan with his latest triumph! Dan Vs. The Author Barro, another great victory for Team Dan!"
Some actually did take up Dan on his offer. Cap and Chris picked their way through the debris.
"Can't believe he actually did it," Captain America said.
"I can't believe he did it himself," Chris said. "Little guy actually does know what he's doing." He looked over at Dan, making it clear he was more skeptical of the man because of his display rather than inspired or in awe of it.
"You're surprised a guy like Dan could do something like this?"
He shook his head. "Steve, I really don't need a lecture. Things happen, I move on. We've got a job to do."
"We have a mission. But there's also what's right and what's wrong," Steve said. "Believe it or not, I prefer talking things through. Just because I'm prepared for things like this to happen doesn't mean I like i when they do."
Chris folded his arms. "I know what you mean..."
Dan was still reveling in his glory when he noticed Link and Gannondorf fighting high on the prison walls again. "What the hell?" He was about to ask what they were doing, how they had come back when Kelsan shouldered his way up to him.
"Dan, we need to talk."
"Yeah, give me a minute- HEY! YOU! LINK!"
"Dan," Kelsan spun him around, "that's NOT Barro's ship."
Everyone went silent. Dan turned around slowly. "What?"
Kelsan dragged Dan to the cockpit. The canopy was open and a pile of ash was sitting in the pilot's chair.
"Oh crap," Dan said. "I vaporized him. Cool."
"That's not Barro," Kelsan said.
"Alright, FINE!" Dan yelled. "Then who the hell is it?"
Twilight patted him on the back. "You killed Marvin the Martian, Dan."
Dan frowned. "We don't KNOW that. It could still be Barro. Maybe this guy didn't know where he was going." And that was when Dan's cell phone started ringing.
"Oh fuck," Dan said. And answered it.
"Not a bad move, Dan. Almost would've worked if I hadn't seen it coming. They actually train you for this kind of thing at the academy. We do use lasers, you know? Mirror effects are one of the things they teach you."
"Mm-hmm," Dan said. "I guess it's not the most complicated trick. Had to make sure you couldn't see the mirror though, that was hard. And you get three lives in Galaga, don't you?"
"We're not playing Galaga, Dan. And even if we were, I've destroyed enough ships to give me plenty of extra lives. But I am in a sporting mood, so I'll let you get up here before we tango again."
"Sounds just peachy," Dan said sarcastically. "I'm not giving back the money I won."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Oh, and I should mention Rice has sent the last of his forces down to stop you. Have fun with that, partner." The phone shut off.
The ground beneath Dan's feet began to rumble. This time, the rumbling came from a lot closer.
Twilight flew up above the crowd. "Everyone, make your way back to the train platform! As quickly as you can- go!" she ordered. Dogs, donkeys, ponies, griffons, prisoners and guards, everyone outside Team Dan followed her instructions. The ground beneath them still shook, like a distant thunder pulsing through the very surface. The final heartbeats of a world.
"Do we know how the cannon works?" Dan asked.
"No, we don't," Twilight said. "But I do."
"Okay, don't get cute. Just answer me when I ask you."
Rarity called down from the tower. "Everyone! We need your help up here!" And Twilight was quick to levitate them back up. She accidentally landed Cap off-balance and he nearly stumbled. It was still difficult for her to keep track of so many things at once, a burden of being so magically-adept.
They landed on the roof of the tower and were greeted with the sight of their next challenge approaching. In the distance, a very familiar-looking ring-shaped armored airship was coming towards them. But though it looked familiar, it was not the one they were hoping to see.
"Oh... for a moment, I thought it was Gust," Phoenix said.
"Yeah, me too, Nicky. Me too."
Advanced Flying Invasion Fortress Cogsdale Mk. 2 If The First One Explodes, Make The Second One Bigger
Now, they finally knew what Rice did with Gust and the griffons' airships: he combined them into one big ship. Resources were scarce in Equestria, even in its twilight hour. He could've easily stripped the three Expunger-class griffon carriers and built a new vessel, but he actually just stacked all three on top of each other and built an armored hull around it. Originally, his plan was to use Cogsdale as a station to invade Earth and rule it at his leisure. But things had changed.
Rice could not escape Equestria any more than he could escape any other part of his past. Superweapons based around powerful ponies, weaponized technology adapted from what was already built, even Cogsdale was based on Cloudsdale and was built for a similar function. Rice lacked imagination because he couldn't imagine anything beyond the loss of his son. Unlike Dan, who used agony to move forward, Rice was trapped in it, unable to move on in body or in mind.
"Alright," Cap said, readying his shield. "Plan, Dan?"
Smirking, Dan folded his arms. "The longer I fight Rice Grip, the easier it gets. There's at least ten different ways I could- I mean, WE could take this thing down. A few I could do on my own, even, but you guys are here, so might as well keep it a team effort."
"That's fantastic!" Phoenix exclaimed. (Yes! Confidence, oh, I missed you!) "I mean, of course. We've stood up to all of Rice's contraptions so far, we should be good at it by now."
Dan nodded. "We could easily have Twilight just zap us up to the ship and start breaking it from the inside. Then, she teleports us out before we crash. Done in fifteen minutes tops."
Chris nodded. "Not bad. Not the most original plan, but not bad."
"It's not the most original airship, either," Dan said. The ring-shaped silvery monstrosity approached, the storms breaking around it. "But," Dan continued.
"But?"
"But, we could make it even simpler." He turned around. "Let's shoot it with the cannon." Concerned looks turned to Dan, obliging him to elaborate further. "We just let the thing keep coming, wait until it's right over us and then shoot us through the thing." And people kept staring at him. "We just gas up the cannon more, really overpower it and then shoot us through the big metal thingy-"
"Who else thinks that's a bad idea?" Chris asked. Everyone but Dan raised a hand/hoof. As they were talking, the sky fortress was still approaching ominously. Slower than Gust's old ships even, and they were built to hold stuff, not for speed. When you make something that gargantuan and armored, you had to sacrifice somewhere. With what that carrier was carrying, however, you weren't worried about getting anywhere quickly.
"Okay, fine. We would have literally killed two birds with one stone, one of them being the evil flying steel donut."
"We might have been one of the birds, Dan!" Twilight yelled.
"You know, there IS a big hole in the middle of that thing, the big steel donut. We might've just shot right through it." Phoenix chuckled and rubbed his neck. "Heh, maybe we wouldn't have to fight it at all." (There's wishful thinking.)
"Who else likes Nick's plan?" Everyone including Dan raised a hand/hoof.
Dan looked up at his own raised hand. "This outcome surprises me."
Chris clapped his hands. "Okay, cool, let's head back into the cannon and skip this boss fight. Twilight, would you do the honors?"
She smiled. "Gladly."
*poffpoffpoffpoffpoff* Unfortunately, another party was involved and it just raised its objection. The Cogsdale fired a flurry of missiles that streaked into the air a split-second before Twilight could act.
"Missiles. It's always missiles," Dan remarked. "Nothing we haven't seen before, people. Rice's routine is old, we've got this. Chris, shoot the missiles with your rifle, Twilight, shield. Then, we go with Plan A, take the thing down from the inside."
"Right." "On it."
They readied themselves as the missiles rapidly approached. This was nothing they hadn't seen before and by now, they were ready for it. Even Phoenix was ready, and he popped open his reflecting/deflecting parasol, which everybody else forgot he had with him. Dan got out his shotgun, which was technically still Dollars' shotgun, and narrowed his eyes as the streaks in the sky came closer.
Chris fired at the missiles, but even he had trouble hitting them. On the third shot, he hit one, but it didn't explode.
"Uh oh." They didn't have time to ask him what he meant.
"Twilight, shield." A purple bubble enveloped the group, all sparkly and pretty in Twilight's pony magic. The girly sparkles were a reassuring comfort to all of them.
The missiles came closer to the ground. "Get ready!" Dan yelled. And then, the missiles hit the ground. Some of them exploded on impact, others didn't.
"Uh oh," Cap and Phoenix echoed Chris. But Dan didn't.
"Ha! Duds."
"I don't think that's it, Dan."
A wave of black rapidly swarmed towards them. At first, it looked like the Smooze or a wave of Midnight Parasprites, parasprites known for getting midnight munchies, but it was something worse. Tiny spheres slowly materialized and rushed towards Twilight's shield.
"Maybe we should-" Cap's suggestion cutoff when the balls stuck to the shield. The purple shield was quickly covered in the tiny, baseball-sized black orbs.
"This is new. I don't like this. It's new and I don't like it," Dan said.
Twilight's head darted around all of them. "They shouldn't be able to-" And then, they exploded.
Each one with the force of a grenade blasted. Twilight's shield broke to pieces, leaving the rest of the orbs to explode on the gang. Cap, Chris, Dan, Phoenix and Twilight all did their best to cover themselves in the last moment before the explosives went off, but all were blasted by the swarm of orbs. They went flying back into the cannon's outer wall.
Slowly, the horse and four men(obvious allegory!) peeled off the wall. And landed flat on the ground.
"Auuugh..." "I think I... I think I left part of myself on the wall." "You did," Chris told Twilight. She looked behind her and saw some of her feathers were stuck to the wall, burnt. Just loose ones, but it illustrated the point. They had been taken off-guard.
"Okay..." Dan said, steadying himself. "Now, we know what we're up against. We can still-" The ground beneath his feet shook. A tiny, silver cone burrowed up from the ground, the tip of one of the missiles. Before it exploded, Dan had time to ball his fists, raise them to the sky and shout,
"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONUUUUUUUUUTTTTS!!!!" he then looked back at the camera. "Okay, I know that one doesn't EXACTLY fit the situation, but I don't have a lot to work with right now."
"You could do another one later," Phoenix suggested.
Dan thought, and nodded. "Good idea, Nicky." Then the missiles exploded and they were set skyrocketing again.
Explosions rocked the tower walls. Rarity would've noticed Dan, Phoenix and the others flying up to her level if she hadn't been ducking. She looked back over the side.
"Is everyone all right? That was quite loud."
All five of them were on their backs, staring up at her from a smoldering crater.
"Yeah, Rarity, we're fine. I think it's your turn to get blown up next- wanna come join us? The weapons-grade explosives are great today!" Dan said, aggresso-sarcastically.
Twilight began levitating the battered gang back up to the tower again.
"Okay, umm... well, we'll get back inside the complex," Twilight said. She was even levitating herself to give her burnt wings a rest. "We should be safe there from the explode-y ball things."
"Yeah, if the cannon is sturdy enough to survive Barro's orbital strikes, it should be able to handle regular explosives. I hope," Cap said.
And to dampen their hopes further, the flying steel donut fired again. But this time, it wasn't a missile, but a beam. A lance of sliver-blue energy struck the base of the complex just where they had been blasted moments ago. The energy didn't explode outward, but climbed up the walls of the tower and spread across the sand. By the time Dan and company reached the top of the tower, so had it.
"Wha-what's happening?!" Rarity backed away from the edges of the tower. They turned to ice before her eyes, an ice so white it didn't seem to be ice at all but pure magic of some kind. Super-cooled magical energy.
The icy substance enveloped half the tower and the western side of Bursavis. Twilight set them down with Rarity on the inner side.
"They're gonna freeze the cannon so we can't use it," Dan said.
"And they're using the ice gun from the Plasma Frigate," Phoenix added. "That's not even fair! WE didn't even get to use that!"
Chris raised an inquisitive look at him. "What exactly would you have used a flying, wooden sailing ship-mounted ice cannon for, Nick?"
"Would've frozen Payne with it," he said without hesitation. He then glanced over to see both Chris and Cap nodding at him.
Dan also nodded, though to himself. "I have trained him well. Also, I did not know there was an ice gun. This is a CLEAR violation of... which rule, class?"
Cap, Chris, Phoenix, Twilight and Rarity said in unison, "Rule five."
"Which states?"
"Dan shall be made aware of all weapons-grade devices, tools, toys and other such items at the earliest possibility or upon acquisition."
"-quisition." Chris just echoed the last syllable, but either nobody noticed or nobody cared.
Dan nodded. "Very good, revenge apprentices." Interrupting Dan's satisfaction, the Cogsdale fired again. An icy cold beam hit more or less the same spot, and the ice at their feet continued its outward spread.
"FLAMETHROWER!" Dan instinctively grabbed Twilight and used her as a flamethrower. A jet of flames spewed forth from her horn, but quickly she separated form Dan's grasp.
"I can work faster on my own. Go, Dan- you and the others find something to shoot that thing down with, Rarity and I will handle the ice," Twilight said. She then stopped herself. "Wait... I'm going to activate the cannon."
"You are?" everyone asked, once again in unison, plus Dan this time.
"We need to get it started now while we can."
"Twilight?" Rarity raised a hoof. "I don't know how to use fire magic. Fire and fabric don't make the best company."
Twilight swooped down to put a hoof on Rarity's shoulder. "You're about to learn very, very quickly. Dan, go with the others. Find a way to defend the cannon while we ready it to fire."
Dan saluted. "Aye aye, Princess Twi. Gentlemen, with me. We're about to go with Plan Q-99. I will explain en route."
"There better not be a test on this afterward," Chris muttered.
"There's always a test afterward," Phoenix said. (And I'm doing better on them than Chris Redfield! For once.)
While Rarity did her best to fight ice with fire, Twilight flew to the center of the facility. She was beginning to understand exactly the cannon's puzzle. The four statues had to be turned to face each other and their hooves raised high all at the same time, synchronization only possible through powerful magic. Only a very powerful unicorn, or more accurately, an alicorn could accomplish this feat.
It was meant for Luna.
All around the prison complex, the cities of Donquestria and even on the railroad itself were subtle clues the donkeys left behind. Luna's cutie mark, or the moon in its various phases, was left to guide others, with the crescent being on the outer-most marks and the full moon being in the center. So devoted were the donkeys that a nation kept a promise through its history, to this very day.
Carefully, Twilight reached out with her magic and felt the statues atop the four tours. More carefully, she turned them to face each other, all at the same time. Slingshot, telescope, rifle and bottle- inspiration, revelation, creation, celebration, the key tenants of Donquestria's harmony, were raised as one.
Stone shifted, walls parted and the wind that incessantly swirled filled the passages. The sand in the center of the complex that had formed the intake yard suddenly disappeared, swallowed by a chasm that opened beneath.
"What the hell is that noise?"
"Focus, Chris. Alright, so once we get the magnet-"
"I hear it, too," Cap said.
"Me too," Phoenix said.
A whistling, the kind of tune sung on the playground, was heard throughout the complex. Not echoing or reverberating, but carried through the halls.
We will rise We will rise Raise your glass and dry your eyes! Turn your hopes up way up high We will rise!
"Who's singing that?" Dan asked. They looked around but there was no indication of where the music was coming from. It seemed to be everywhere.
The sand covering the entire center of the country slid down. As Twilight shifted the statues into their final position, the cannon began moving on its own.
"Okay, you guys all know what the plan is," Dan focused them again. "Cap, you and Chris go and find us a giant magnet. Nicky and I are going to find Sammy J. We need to buy a little more time and then we're taking this thing outta here."
"Ready?" "Ready." "Break!" The four men parted as the four corners of the facility came together. The stairway was opened.
"You heard me," Dan said, unwilling to repeat himself to Samule.
"We need to buy more time for the cannon, so that means we need to activate the prison's defenses again," Phoenix explained. As the two men talked to Samule and Sendback, everybody else gathered nearby were watching them. Since they were all just standing there, waiting to evacuate the planet, they had nothing better to do.
Samule was his usual grumpy self. "The generators have been disabled so you could use the cannon."
"So un-disable them," Dan said, earning him a glare from Samule. Or maybe he just looked at Dan and that's just how his face normally is. Okay, yeah, it's that. "Just fire a couple of them up again and send out the butterfly things that killed the Smooze. We just need to use one or two long enough to get up to an evil flying donut."
"The "butterflies" use magic, genius," Sendback said.
"Along with everything else on what's left of this planet," Dan looked down at the ground. "No offense."
"The point is, it's more complicated than just flipping a switch and turning them back on. We get it," Phoenix said.
"One of you does, anyway."
Phoenix thought. "Alright, then." Something exploded on the complex exterior, followed by several smaller explosions. "We're running out of time AND defenses simultaneously."
Dan turned to the crowd. "Has anybody here ever fought in a war before?" No one said a word. Not even a murmur among the assembled donkeys, ponies, zebras, basically refugees. They were now beginning to question Dan's... everything. "Okay, better question, who here has any combat experience? No wait- who here would LIKE combat experience?"
"Dan, you're scaring them."
"I know that, Nicky."
"You're scaring ME."
"Fear is... understandable. A given," Dan said. He turned back to Samule. "Do you have anything that can help defend the cannon?"
Samule smiled for some reason. "Follow me."
"Nicky, I'm scared, now."
Phoenix rubbed his neck. "Like you said, it's understandable. A given."
"Yeah, a given, as in I normally give it to OTHER people, not the-"
Samule stuck his head back in. "You coming?"
"Gah! Yes. Nicky, let's go."
"Right behind you. Understandably behind you."
Doctor Whooves thought he heard Dan's voice when he exited the train, but when he appeared back on the platform, Dan was gone. "Alright, well, what belongings we can afford to take with us have been stowed, minus one Crystal Heart. Is everyone ready to board?"
The refugees were busy chatting and didn't seem to notice the Doctor. A consequence of ultra-posh British politeness was the inability to garner attention in emergencies.
"HEY. EVERYBODY," Whooves yelled. "GET ON THE BLOODY TRAIN!"
The first couple shrugged, and then as a crowd, moved from the platform and onto the train. They did not entirely fit inside, so some elected to ride on top.
"There we go," the Doctor said, pleased with himself. "Not sure how Twilight is planning to make this work but, eh. The TARDIS is bigger on the inside, too." The Doctor then realized he had reminded himself of the TARDIS. "Miss you, old friend."
At that moment, Colress walked in with the Magic Gear fillies following him. "Was that Dan yelling just then?"
"No, that was... well, he was just here a moment ago."
"Which way did he go? Was Phoenix with him?" Colress asked.
"Yes, they followed Samule and- wait a minute, where are you going?" The scientist and robots almost left without him.
Then, Captain America and Redfield entered.
"Oh hey! Great! There you guys are," Chris said.
"We need to get to Dan and Phoenix right away," Colress said. His voice only slightly sounded of urgency and was still calm and level. He was the perfect scientific observer, as usual, even if he did have a stake in the outcome.
Cap walked up to him. "We need the Magic Gears." He then looked down at the trio of mechanical fillies. "We need your help, please." They were still people, even if they were the size of large dogs to him and machine in nature.
"But the Gears need to get to Dan and Phoenix."
"Technically, only one of us does."
"Yeah, me and mom can stay with Steve and the others."
"Alright then, let's go," Chris said. Another series of explosions shook the building.
The Doctor shivered. "Does it feel colder to anyone?"
Outside, Rarity was still trying to use fire magic to melt the ice, while at the same time the flying fortress bombarded the prison with yet more ice. She quickly ran from tower to tower as the ice barrage continued, melting it as best as she could.
She wiped sweat from her brow. "TWILIGHT! Can you hurry it along, please?!" She turned back to the floating weapon, still approaching albeit slowly. It fired another lance of energy that struck the complex. "WHOSE PLAN WAS THIS EVEN?!"
Technically, it had been Twilight's.
Twilight herself had almost entered another realm. The song that the cannon was making was channeling magic throughout the cannon itself. The desert in the center of the country had vanished; in its place was the cannon. From each of the four cardinal points, the four cities surrounding it, a crater sloped inward all the way to the cannon's barrel. Being a stationary gun, it had to be able to shift and change the barrel to alter trajectory.
Luna could have easily just maneuvered the moon itself over the cannon for the donkeys to launch. Instead, she helped them build something that eventually they would be able to use on their own, without her help at all. She was still instrumental in its current function but in time, they would have figured it out for themselves. Her way of teaching and making sure they were ready.
But there was more to it than that, and Twilight was discovering it every minute.
Parts of the four towers disconnected. The center folded inward and the four statues slowly came together. Hooves and forelegs interlocked.
Time to rise! Time to rise! Send your hopes up to the skies! It's now or never, come together Take a stand, it's time to rise!
We will rise! We will rise! Our dream was shared and now it flies! Soaring now until forever Raise your glass, it's time to rise!
Twilight slowly lowered herself to the dais. She landed in the center of where the statues had come together, but they were statues no longer. They never had been.
"Goodness me!" Poshley Proprietor pulled out his pocket watch. "It's been... a little over a thousand years, by my reckoning."
The donkey filly among them giggled. "When's the last time you got that wound, pops?"
"Trish, don't be rude. Can't you see we have a guest?"
Twilight was stunned. "Oh my goodness... you all..." she lifted her hooves to cover her muzzle.
The four each bowed, the two stallions among them removed their hats, even.
"Poshley Proprietor, my lady." "Venerable Vintage, my dear." "Libra Lens, your highness." "Tactful Trickshot. Call me Trish."
"We are the New Baltimare Gun Club, at your service," Poshley said.
Twilight actually had to force herself to blink. The New Baltimare Gun Club, the donkeys who had originally developed the cannon, were still alive after a millennia of disuse. They had each envisioned the cannon as a massive community project to give the kingdom of donkeys harmony without elements. It had been successful, if only for a time.
Poshley "Pops" Proprietor was the donkey with the blunderbuss. An avid skeet shooter and marksman, he was the oldest of the group and the closest thing they had to a leader. Venerable Vintage indulged in the drink, true to his name but a gentleman never overdid things. Rumor had it that he had something of a fling with Berry Punch, but discussing such matters or bragging would be another thing a gentleman didn't do.
Libra Lens held the telescope among the group and did most of the planning. She was a renowned astronomer and cartographer; Daring Do often used her maps in her adventures. And finally, Tactful Trickshot, or Trish as she preferred, was the youngest of the group, but added raw talent to the mix. Although she was young, she had a spirit for adventure and enthusiasm that the group relied on, even if they did have to get her to calm down once in a while.
"I can't believe you guys are all here! And you're, well, I mean-"
"My dear, we did build this gun, didn't we?" Ven asked.
Trish shrugged. "Who better to show you how to use than us? I mean, this thing IS supposed to be kind-of a national secret. Not exactly going to leave the instructions lying around, right?"
Twilight giggled herself. The four of them reminded her a lot of her own friends. Trish especially was the spitting-image of Rainbow Dash. That had been the point of the Elements of Harmony: to bring together a diverse group of friends to help show others the way. Luna had done her job very well indeed.
"Umm, I don't believe that's part of your plan right now, is it?" Libra asked, pointing at the approaching giant donut. The Cogsdale flying fortress was nearly on top of the facility, still firing its ice cannon.
"We need to use your cannon to escape Equestria," Twilight explained. "The whole planet is breaking apart. We... we have to find a new place to call home, a new world."
The four were quiet for a long moment, processing the information. But they didn't need to talk to one another, to whisper or even glance at each other to see what each of them were thinking.
All four of them were holding an item. They each touched their time-honored symbols to the dais below them. The platform shook, and then beams of light erupted along the barrel of the cannon.
Samule led Dan and Phoenix to the opposite side of the complex.
"We don't have much left. Thanks to you fine folks," Samule said. "But we do have this."
Standing in front of Dan, mounted on a train car, taking up most of the entire north platform was-
"An RGA 'Mr. Turtle' Mane Tactical Weapon," Dan said. "You guys have an RGA 'Mr. Turtle' Mane Tactical Weapon." He slowly turned to Samule and added, "AND YOU DIDN'T THINK TO TELL ME UNTIL JUST NOW?!?!"
The Royal Guard Armory's MTW, or Mane Tactical Weapon, was originally designed as a party cannon by Pinkie Pie herself. The largest and most powerful of all party cannons, it was built to launch parties, confetti and fireworks from one city in Equestria to the other, so that friends who lived apart could still celebrate together. Nicknamed "Mr. Turtle" because it was made to look like a giant turtle, with four folding legs that sank into the ground to stabilize it.
Like the Spiral Staircase, the cannon was transformable. The 'head' in the front loaded the shells, in a way that made it look like it was eating them, and the dome-shaped 'shell' connecting it housed the barrel, which extended outward from the very top. Surrounding it was a ring of smaller barrels that fired smaller ordinance but with only slightly less power and range. With the pink, white and red stripes adorning it, there was no question Pinkie Pie had come up with it.
Too big for even Pinkie to move on her own, it was mounted on a train car. Only a handful of prototypes were completed before the project was canceled. Mostly because it was easier just to set up fireworks in each city, seriously, why would a city have to launch fireworks to another city?
"What if another town ran OUT of fireworks? That's happened before! What happens THEN? Does nopony else think of these things but me?!"
Uh, yeah. Pinkie, really, this is wayyy too dangerous. You can't use weapons-grade artillery at a kid's party.
"I'm not doing this for a kid's party," said impromptu flashback Pinkie Pie.
Okay, well, thank you for understa-
"I'm doing this for a COOL kid's party!"
Goddammit.
"I'll handle this," said real Twilight projecting herself into the flashback. "Pinkie, doesn't this cannon seem a little big?"
"YES," she exclaimed, without hesitating.
Twilight put a hoof around her friend. "But what about your regular party cannon? You don't want it to get lonely, do you?"
Pinkie thought for a while. "No..." she finally said.
"How about you just use it for special occasions?" Twilight suggested, and immediately, Pinkie's face began lighting up. "I mean VERY special occasions." To Pinkie Pie, any occasion can be special so the first suggestion was tantamount to proposing she use it for anything.
Pinkie nodded. "You're right, Twilight. That's a good idea," she said, and got up off the ground. Pinkie liked to sit when she was feeling down, that way she could stand when and literally rise up when her mood improved. "Hey, when is Owlowiscious's birthday again?"
"Uhh, uhhh," Twilight stammered, "You know what, let me d-double-check on that and get back to you. In the meantime, you should find a place to put this thing when you're not, uh, using it."
"Okie-dokey. I'll take care of it, Twilight."
"Thanks, Pinkie."
"I wonder if Cranky knows any place..."
As a matter of fact, he did. A few other prototypes were developed in secret under Luna's instructions and modified to be actual weapons, though only for testing. Luna always did her best to be foresighted, even though she knew that sometimes, it had cost her. She was capable of making that sacrifice for her kingdom; she didn't mind being the darker one. Because she wasn't.
Neither of them were.
So, that's how the biggest and greatest candy-colored party cannon came to be in a Donquestrian prison complex. Wait, where's Dan?
"Are you squeeing done yet? Nobody needs the horsesquee history of this howitzer, pal, just tell me how to use it," Dan said from atop train turret. During the flashback, Dan had mounted the artillery gun himself, pretty much a second after it began, eager to use it.
"You'll be needing my help for that," Samule said, striding over to the switching lever with slight grin.
Sendback elbowed Phoenix, standing right next to him. "This gonna be good."
Dan looked around the giant cannon from his position. "So Sammy,I have the controls for the gun, the loader, the secondary launchers, the mortars and the flamethrower but how do I turn this thing on?"
"Sammy" grinned wider. "Oh, the train will do all of that on its own. You don't have to worry about steering, speed or any of that. You just need to worry about hanging on."
"Why's that? There's no engine attached to this thing! How does it even run?"
"Gravity."
"What's supposed to mea- oh, you son of a-"
"What I mean is simple," Samule said. And he yanked the lever.
The door sprung open, the railway flipped upward almost ninety degrees, and gravity did the rest.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHG!!!!!!!" The train car, the cannon and Dan all went screaming down into the depths of the cannon, riding on the now high-speed rail system.
"When I say "remain seated," I mean it," Samule said. "And Dan?" he asked after the man, as if he could hear him, "Enjoy the ride."
Samule walked over to Sendback and Phoenix, the former of which didn't have a buck to give and the latter was on the verge of saying, "Please don't hurt me."
"Wright. Sendback."
"Please don't hurt me." See?
But all he did was acknowledge the two, and left. A moment later, Sendback also left without another word.
"Wait!" The two donkeys turned to Phoenix as he called them. "Umm... what should I do? Now?"
"Get ready to get shot out of a cannon. We're heading back to the south station with the others. You coming?"
"Oh, uh, sure." (Hopefully Dan doesn't mind me taking up valor in the form of discretion.)
He did mind. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH NICKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!" The weight of the cannon and the train car combined with the steep incline and curvature of the bowl-shape the cannon's barrel was in equaled a very high velocity.
Dan gripped the controls of the gun for dear life. The artillery piece came up out of the dive and accelerated into a loop around the bowl itself. His heart was racing, he was pissed off at Samule, and he was in control of a giant cannon. So he quickly located the Cogsdale Mk.2 hovering above the prison, firing ice beams at it and aimed for it.
"Alright, whoever the hell's flying that donut, prepare to be glazed!" He hit the button to fire.
The ice gun on the donut was about to fire again when all of a sudden, it was slammed from the side by something hot. It soon found itself covered in steaming cupcake batter. The gun then looked around for the source of the assailant and found Dan. This pissed it off, as much as an ice gun could be, anyway.
Dan looked through the gunsight. "She put the cupcake batter in the cannon. That's THREE TIMES, PINKIE!"
As Samule opened the door to the connecting hall, Colress and Knight came charging out of it.
"Phoenix!"
"Colress? What's wrong?"
"There's something you need to hear," the scientist said. He held up the adorable mech pony, and the voice of another scientist came through. Not just a scientist, but a doctor, and one Phoenix knew.
"Hello again, Phoenix. It's Vice. Doctor Vice."
"Doctor...?" Phoenix asked, perplexed at first. But then he remembered. "Dr. Vice Grip? From the mirror universe?"
"It's good to hear from you. Thought you might need some help."
Phoenix took Knight carefully in his hands. "How are you contacting us?"
"Through the the Magic Gear, obviously. But right now, I need you to get somewhere out in the open."
"Okay, we're moving."
Not one to be left out of things, Samule and Sendback followed the two humans up to the top of the north tower. It had shifted since the cannon's transformation with part of it now forming the barrel.
"We're outside now," Phoenix said.
"Alright, stand by." Knight's horn began to glow and Phoenix set her on the ground. Tiny particles of light began to rise from the ground, sparkling glimmers of magic, possibly the only magic Equestria had left.
"What's going on?" Samule asked. "Where's that guy calling from?"
"Another world parallel to our own, but different in many critical ways," Colress said. He was typing on his wrist-computer as data flowed into his visor's display. "It's going to take a while to catalog all of this!" Even as the data streamed in, it shifted, changed, and he knew it, but the memory of it would be stored.
Bubbles appeared in the air, but bubbles of space. The dimensional fabric became malleable, bubbling, shifting and surging as it absorbed and exchanged pockets of space from another universe.
"What the hell is going on, Nick?" Samule demanded.
"It's a summoning spell! Knight's performing a summoning spell!"
The Magic Gear's eyes lit up. Bands of magic wrapped around her, swirling around her body and channeling into her horn. A ball of light appeared in the center of the prison, spinning as the twisting and turning of space spun around it. Wind whipped around them, around the complex even faster than it had been, almost deafening.
"What's she summoning?!" Samule yelled.
"All I know is, shit is about to get real!" Sendback said. "I see how this is!"
"I never had a chance to tell you myself, but thank you, Mr. Wright. Thank you for saving my hospital and my friends."
The bubble overhead expanded. A figure, a massive one came through.
"Also, I think this belongs in your universe. It was time to send her back home."
"Oh mai bucking gawd."
"Thank you again, Phoenix Wright. I hope this helps."
The light ball exploded in a blinding flash. Four titanic hooves landed on the four platforms. And they landed with a loud, metal clank.
The Prodigal Metal Sister Magic Gear ALT From a Mirror, Brightly Shining
The Cogsdale was busy trying to target Dan when the light caught its attention. The A.I.-controlled flying fortress had to adjust its scope when it saw what appeared to be a giant metal filly occupying standing on the prison towers, but its visual sensors were apparently correct. This was a bit surprising; Rice had not programmed the machine with knowledge of the Magic Gears, considering how almost all of them had defected. But now, it wasn't 'almost.'
"It's the Magic Gear from the Mirror Universe!" Phoenix exclaimed.
"The what?! I thought these things were tiny!" Samule yelled.
"Our larger chassis were destroyed by Barro, unfortunately," Knight said.
Colress chimed in with, "Well, who's to say we can't fix them at some point?"
"Please state the nature of the magical emergency." Dr. Vice had added his own modifications to ALT, supposedly from another doctor, but where he got them is anyone's guess. Probably Q.
"ALT! Or, uh, Alty! We need you to stop that flying donut-thing from icing this cannon!"
"Error: icing does not make donuts fly. It only makes them tastier."
The Cogsdale fired its ice gun at the giant pony. It struck her in the side, and covered her in ice.
Tuxley and Reginald took their seats on the train platform. A pair of folding chairs, a table, two cups and a thermos of piping hot tea were all the pair had. The other refugees were crammed inside the train, which they would be as well after they were done. But for now, they had tea, and that was all they needed.
"It occurs to me, sir, that this will be..."
Tuxley looked up. "Yes?" he encouraged.
Reginald's found the strength to keep his chin raised, hard as it was. "This is to be our last tea on Equestria."
Tuxley blinked, phased by his friend's words. "I... yes, you're right. Quite right, indeed." The two of them knew it, but to truly acknowledge it, put all the more weight on the heart. "Wherever we do wind up, there will be tea again. Surely."
"Surely, sir," Reginald repeated, as confidently as they could. In truth, neither of them knew for sure, but it was a pretty good bet these were not their last cups.
The two of them having tea might have seemed like an odd pair. And they were, there was no doubt about that. Reginald, and his odd position with the Crystal Empire and Tuxley, with his being a dinosaur and all, were two individuals that had very little in common in their natures to do with each other or even the world they were in. That was what made tea all the more important for them; in a world where they seemed out of place, they made their place in it every day. They made the world make sense with tea.
"Should we do something... special, sir?" Reginald proposed. "To commemorate the occasion."
"What did you have in mind?"
"Mind if I join you, gentlemen?" Doctor Whooves asked. "I could really use a good cuppa right about now."
"Did someone say tea?" "I smell tea." "I both heard and smell tea."
Ponies, donkeys, all of them made their way out the train. They crowded around the table on the platform.
Dollars removed his helmet. "I could go for a hot drink." Jake, Kelsan and the storm troopers joined them, but did not remove their own helmets.
The two gentries looked around them, quickly realizing a problem. "I, well... errm..."
"I don't think we- we may not have quite enough for everybody," Reginald said, the thermos looking small in his hooves. He looked over to Tuxley, not wanting to have said what he just said. Even if they both went without a cup, there was no way they could possibly spare a drop for everyone there. They simply didn't have enough tea. They didn't even have enough cups.
"We... we could try," Reginald said. He turned around. "Would everyone here care for tea?"
The answer came in unified nods, in softly spoken words, in eager eyes and hopeful faces. It was all the same answer. The two odd gentlemen knew what their only response could be.
Tux patted his claw on Reginald's shoulder. "Let's have tea, then." And it was just so.
In the depths of the cannon
"...And that's why, while we haven't been using the cannon exactly, we did find another use for it."
"That's amazing," Twilight said. "I had no idea Luna... I mean, Princess Luna, had that much foresight." Even as she said it, Twilight thought now that it should've been obvious to her.
True to his word, Reed Roamer and his former-criminal thugs had activated the pumps at each of the respective cities. There was something poetic about the Spiral Staircase having been a prison and now it being operated by former crooks, but either way, they would be joining Twilight and the others as they made their escape. The four substances of Donquestria filled the massive chamber below Twilight's hooves, immense pressure building.
Trish nodded. "Mm-hmm. And now, for our part in things." Standing around a ring-shaped platform encircling and just above the chamber, were the members of the New Baltimare Gun Club. The platform had four stations accompanied by gauges, levers, dials, knobs, doodads and what have you but no computers. There was nothing electrical in the complex aside from what had been installed after the cannon was converted into a prison.
The four donkeys got to work. Only the four of them, the Gun Club members, really knew how to work the enormous contraption.
"Readings are looking good so far," Vintage said. He tapped with of the dials with his hoof. "Could use a good dusting, though."
"We'll have to make a not of that," Poshley remarked, busy at his own station. "Are the calibrations set, Libby?"
"Almost... there... aaaaaannnnddd," Libby examined her sensitive scientific instruments. The toaster dinged, the toast popped up and Libra grabbed the first slice and took a bite. "Mmmmm-hmm, yup! We're good!" Truly, the intricacies of the cannon's complex inner workings were a technological marvel that few minds could comprehend. Maybe Pinkie.
"What do I do?" Twilight asked, in a voice that sounded timid to ears not her own. Even with all her power, she was still the same cautious and clever purple mare she'd always been.
"Just a moment, your majesty! And..." The microwave dinged, the kettle whistled and a tiny figurine of a Scotsman blew his bagpipes. And yeah, no electricity, that's still going on.
Outside, as Dan did battle with the flying steel donut, a massive dome of magic energy covered the concave complex. Dark as night at first, it slowly materialized into a view of space. But not just any space, no- deep space. Quite possibly the spaciest space of all, even more than that one with the jam in it.
Stars, nebulae, planets all appeared across the vast vista overhead. It was like the complex had a giant planetarium projection above it.
Even though Twilight was deep inside the cannon itself, she saw everything above her and more. Princess Luna and the donkeys had been mapping the stars, mapping space itself. She started looking for a second Equestria long ago.
Against all odds, Captain America and Chris Redfield chanced upon a very large magnet. They wheeled it end-over-end to the east tower rail platform.
"Okay, so... what now?" Chris asked. Cap shrugged, and they both took the opportunity to collapse.
"Why is it night?" Dan asked. But he realized no one was around to answer, so he went back to aiming at the flying donut.
A vista of deep space cast itself above the complex overhead, as if viewing another corner of the galaxy FROM another corner of the galaxy. It was unlike anything seen from Earth; Equestria, being in another dimension entirely, also had a different form of outer space. There was more of a flow and fewer stars and galaxies. Meteors, comets, cosmic gasses and tails and rays of light and energy of all various kinds and colors swirled in and around each other like rivers and streams rather than celestial bodies.
In truth, space was a less-pictured area for the Fausticorn. Because the show focused on the planet of Equestria, space was more left up to her imagination. As such, the realm of space itself in Equestria's universe was that of imagination, more full and lively than space near Earth, but still not as cluttered. Just different.
Dan fired again at the steel donut. It was too dark to tell but the cannonball that launched was pink, purple, yellow and wavy-striped because Pinkie Pie. She would've been happy to know her prototype party cannon was working so well.
"I sure would have."
The ball exploded against the hull of the Cogsdale. The sky erupted in a blaze of colorful bursts. Red, blue, green, yellow, purple, orange- the colors of the rainbow accompanied by rainbow sparkles illuminated the night.
"Haha! How do you like- oooh, wow. Ohhhh, now that's pretty." Dan shielded his eyes at first but then was taken in by the awe of the spectacle above him.
The Cogsdale found it less-than impressive. The cartoonish A.I. had adjusted to the sudden darkness by applying its nightvision filter. This allowed it to see its primary target- the Spiral Staircase, with ease. When Dan launched a Pinkie Pie-rated firework at it, however, it had the additional effect of overloading the aircraft's photoreceptive sensors.
"Ohh, yes! Yes, I love this thing! Pinkie, wherever you are, you are getting a hug from me the next time I see you and I am getting TEN of these for the new Ponyville!" Dan exclaimed. So overjoyed with the massive tank on rails he was now piloting that he decided he wanted them for New Ponyville, wherever he decided it would be. Of course, Pinkie Pie was just excited about hugs.
"*gasp* Really?"
"No."
"Aww."
"Okay, maybe with Fluffle," Dan said, speaking beyond the fourth wall to Pinkie. "And Chrys. I know eventually there's going to be a moment everybody's just gonna wanna group it up, so I'm already going to have to endure that, and after that there's-"
*Blzrrrrrrrrmmmm!*
"GAAH!" The icy beam of the Cogsdale's ice weapon struck Dan and the MTW hard. Both were frozen in an instant, but the wheels of the rail-bound artillery kept it rolling, even if they were encased in ice.
"Grrrggrr... errrrgggh..." Dan was frozen solid in mid-shout. His teeth clattered together and he thought he could still feel the tip of one of his toes, so that was a good sign. The next cannonball was already loaded, which was yet another brilliant design choice of Pinkie's- an auto-loader. But with icicles hanging from his shirt sleeves, Dan was unable to reach down and slam back the firing lever.
"Hnnrrrr... colllddd..." His eyes looked around frantically, searching for something that could defrost him but there was nothing. Also, it was dark. He was in trouble.
The Cogsdale maneuvered around to launch its payload of missiles at its frozen target and if you've ever played Metroid, you know that missiles plus frozen target meant bad news for said frozen target. Dan had not played Metroid, but the Cogsdale surprisingly had, and locked onto him and fired.
Dan saw as the sky lit up again, though this time it caused him to feel panic instead of delight. Bright streaks of fire raced towards him from the flying donut ship. Still frozen, he could only watch as they sped right at him.
"Eraarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" was as good a shout as he could manage through gritted, frozen teeth.
"EMP at maximum!"
The missiles stopped in midair. Gripped by a glowing orange aura, their rockets burnt out. They exploded overhead, and Dan was once again delighted to see a fireworks-like display. And then horrified as the missiles rained the tiny explosive spheres right down on his path.
The MTW raced past just as the first of the orb bombs hit the ground. Like before, they did not detonate right away, but slowly began following Dan at rapid speed.
And he was still frozen. "AAARRRRRR!!" Summoning his strength, he tried to break free of the ice and was rewarded when he began to feel more of his fingers. Not enough though; he was still frozen from head to most of his toes.
Back at the complex, Phoenix watched as Dan battled the Cogsdale.
"Good job, ALT! Does that EMP work on the bomb ball things?"
"Negative, EMP effective against airborne targets only," ALT replied.
"Great." Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. "Right, so, Dan is frozen down there and being chased by bombs. Does anybody have any ideas?" (I'm not afraid to ask because right now, I got nothing. Hey, it's like I'm in court again!)
Samule shrugged. "You've got a team of tiny tech-savvy robots, a giant robotic war machine, if anybody's gonna have any ideas, it would be you."
"I guess that's right... where's Sendback?"
Again, Samule shrugged.
"Are you gonna be helpful or not?"
Samule shrugs a third time.
That's when the Cogsdale decided to be helpful. By freezing them as well.
"Incoming!"
*Blzzzzzzzzzzzrrrmmm!* And now, the rest of them were flash frozen as well.
"GAAGGGAEHHH... hehhh.. ggeeeggehhh," were the noises Phoenix Wright made after being frozen in place. The lawyer, Samule and the mini Gears were all frozen solid by the Cogsdale's icy weapon. Kyurem's powers were something that neither magic nor technology could compensate for.
"Leg articulation impeded. Movement restricted. Leg drive motor unable to compensate. Please contact maintenance."
Magic Gear ALT, the last of the original Magic Gear and the only big one, was incapacitated from the legs down. With none of them able to move, they were defenseless. Dan was defenseless. And the Cogsdale fortress didn't need nightvision to see that.
That was when Sendback arrived. With Cap and Chris. "Hey guys! We found the magnet and-wooAAAAH!" He slid across the ice and fell into the others. "W-w-WHY is everything cold?!"
When Twilight gave the word for everyone to gather at the southern tower for evacuation, and while Dan, Phoenix, Cap and Chris put their delaying tactic into action, one person stayed behind. Just one person, and no one seemed to notice his absence. But this person had experience with such things.
"Twilight."
Twilight turned. The courtyard was empty and she had been about to fly back up to the roof. She almost didn't notice the one who said her name. Because his uniform blended in with the walls, and because he was good at blending in. Too good.
"Kelsan?"
The Imperial beckoned her forward without a word. He opened the door for her and they both went inside, back into the halls of Bursavis' west tower.
"I want to thank you for what you did," Kelsan said. "Standing up for me and my men. You have my gratitude."
Twilight was taken aback a bit. "I- well, that was more Dan's decision than mine. Really, it was all him, I was just-"
Kelsan held up his hand. "It doesn't take a genius to figure out what influence you've had on him. I'm aware his actions are his own. Mercy is a single act; to believe in someone, to accept them, means to take a stand more than just once. You've shown me you can do that."
"I, um... thanks," Twilight said, but to be honest, she had no idea what he was talking about.
He did not smile. It was as if the very action of expressing gratitude was a formality, but more than an obligation. A stoic and steadfast duty. Kelsan adjusted his uniform, wiped a small amount of sand off it.
"You should take some credit yourself. For what you did," Twilight said. "For making peace with the- the Rebels and everybody. To do that, it takes a lot of-"
But he held up his hand again. "I'm still an Imperial. When I leave here, wherever I go, I will remain a member of the Galactic Empire and the Imperial Navy. I am forced to recognize certain... realities, including these current circumstances. Make no mistake; what I do, I do for the survival of myself and the men under my command. This is simply the most practical decision."
Twilight nodded. It stung a bit, but she understood. "I understand. I hope it is a lasting peace, however."
Kelsan's eyes set and he looked to the side and past her. "As do I." For a brief moment, she thought she saw a deeper man than what was on the surface. The moment was gone as quickly as it had come.
"You should head for the platform now."
"Captain Dan asked me- asked all of us, about superweapons," Kelsan said. In that moment, it was like a bomb had gone off in that very room. The very mentioning of a superweapon was like one going off in a conversation.
"Why- when? Why did Dan ask you about superweapons?"
"There's no need to be alarmed," he said, easing her concern. "He asked us if we had brought any with us. It's understandable, considering the weapons the Empire uses. The Death Stars, the Galaxy Guns, World Devastators and the like."
"R-right," Twilight nodded again, not really understanding. "Perfectly understandable."
Kelsan folded his arms. "Our reputation proceeds us. Part of fielding such weapons is for shock value, to control through fear. It can be very effective, but it can also be very dangerous. Dan was simply wondering if we had brought any superweapons or such devices with us, in case it was something he needed to deal with. I told him no."
"Oh. Ahh, well, that's good news," Twilight said, relieved. "Wait- you weren't lying, were you?"
"No," Kelsan said.
"Oh, good," Twilight said. But then, Kelsan reached into his pocket and pulled out something.
"Technically, what I told him was the truth. We didn't bring this with us."
In Kelsan's right hand, about the size of a bowling ball was a... ball. A mechanical-looking ball with strange partitions on it, covering both hemispheres of the device. He held it in front of her to examine.
"Wha-what is it?" Twilight asked. She gasped, "Ohmaigoodness is that a baby Death Star? What happens if you feed it- doe sit turn into a big one?"
"It's not a Death Star of any kind. It's an older weapon, one the Empire didn't develop. It was built during the time of the Republic to deal with a different war. Another time, another place, you could say," Kelsan explained.
"And you're just... giving it to me?"
Kelsan nodded. "We found Equestria on accident. My fleet had ambushed a Rebel convoy traveling the Ison Corridor, but they had come prepared. A battle ensued, but when both our forces took quite a bit of damage, we tried to retreat. Instead of jumping to our rendezvous coordinates, we found ourselves here. And your... Director captured us."
Twilight gasped again. "So it was Cleo! Cleo brought you here."
"But that device your holding was here long before us. I'm not entirely sure why," Kelsan said. "This 'Cleo' forced some of us to work for her and froze the rest. My fleet and a Rebel task force, both frozen, behind your planet's moon. Myself and a TIE squadron were relocated to the Crystal Empire. During our stay, we found this in a museum."
"Tuxley's museum," Twilight said to herself. "So you stole it back when Vice Grip was in control of the Crystal Empire?"
"I did not steal anything. That device was the property of the Galactic Republic. It remains the property of the Galactic Empire. Until now," he said. "I'm giving this device to you, Twilight Sparkle."
"Thank... you..." Again, Twilight didn't know what to make of it. "Why are you giving this to me, if I might ask? Is it because you're afraid of Dan..." the question died on her tongue.
He stared at her again, and this time he spoke as both an Imperial and as a man beyond that. "There are some weapons that just... that are just too terrible to ever be used, Twilight Sparkle. The Empire's superweapons are built mostly not to be used; their mere existence incites fear, quells rebellion. In theory, at least. That weapon was born of a different time, not a time of peace. It was born out of desperation."
Twilight looked at it again. It seemed like just a mechanical ball of some kind. It wasn't even that heavy. "What is it called?"
"The Mass Shadow Generator," Kelsan said. "It was built generations before my time. I'd only read rumors of its existence, but there can be no mistaking it. This is the weapon that ended the Mandalorian Wars."
"I see," Twilight said. She swallowed. "Um... what does it do? Will it blow up the planet? Like um, the Death Star?"
Kelsan looked back down at the object. "You don't understand, Twilight. The Death Star is a weapon of fear. When it vaporizes something, when it destroys a planet, it does so in an instant, a single blast. For some..." he trailed off for a moment, as if recalling something horrific. "Compared to this, the Death Star is a mercy."
Twilight's jaw hung open. The strange ball now seemed disgusting in her magical grip.
"The Death Star fires a concentrated blast of energy that obliterates a planet-sized target. The Mass Shadow Generator..." he trailed off again, but then came back into focus. "The Death Star is a weapon of fear. The Mass Shadow Generator is a weapon of pain."
"Pain?"
He nodded. "If activated, that weapon will cause the gravitational field of everything in, on and around this planet, from its moon and things in orbit and even the world itself to be twisted and warped. Everything living or not will be crushed, its atoms compressed into oblivion in the most slow and excruciatingly painful process the galaxy has ever seen. All that is around the planet will be drawn to its surface and destroyed, causing the planet's surface to explode in the process, leaving behind nothing but dust and stones forever trapped in endless torrent of gravitational turbulence."
Twilight stared at him for a long moment. "...And the bad guys DIDN'T build this?"
Kelsan shook his head solemnly. "As I said, it was made in a time of desperation. A very... disturbed engineer built this for the Republic."
"I mean, horse jeezus man, you just handed me a thing that could like, end the world. Horrificly. Death by gravity? OH!" Twilight realized something. "Princess Celestia and Princess Luna! They can control the sun and the moon! With magic!"
"We had heard as much."
"Maybe they can make some sense of this! Princess Luna always did love Spaceballs. So, weird balls from space would probably be second-nature for her. I mean, they did have trouble with the Orb of Confusion."
Kelsan raised a finger. "That's probably because they turned it on."
"It was turned off."
"Well-"
"And out of batteries."
"This thing doesn't run on batteries," Kelsan said. "And it cannot be destroyed. At least, not by gravity or energy or... any force we can manage. I cannot keep it safe; there are those in the Empire that would want to use it, test it or possibly worse. Improve it. So, I give it to you. Perhaps it was fate that it found its way here, the one place it would never be used."
Twilight rubbed her neck. "I mean, never's a reeeally long time, and we kinda gotta leave now-"
"You will keep it safe. From friend and foe alike. I'm still an Imperial, Twilight Sparkle," Kelsan said. "Just because I made peace with the Alliance does not mean I believe in their cause or that I'm their friend. Nor am I yours... yet."
"Aww."
Kelsan placed his hand on the Mass Shadow Generator as Twilight took it in her hooves. "You must make sure this is never used like it was before. And make sure it never falls into the hands of a Jedi." He walked away, back to the train platform to join the others.
"Thanks... but wait!" Twilight called, "Why shouldn't the Jedi have it? Aren't they the good guys?"
"The last person who used it was a Jedi," Kelsan said. And he was gone.
"Great... I've been given my own death hug ball," Twilight said to herself. And she immediately realized, "Oh crap, that's what Dan's going to call it, isn't it?"
"YEP!!" Dan yelled. "I'm not even in that scene, but yes I am!"
"Darn it, did EVERYBODY here that whole conversation?"
"Yep!" "Eeyup." "Yep!" "I heard it and I'm still in space." "Yeah!" "Yep, the Moss Shallow Refrigerator, I heard it!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "This place has weird acoustics." She pocketed the Mass Shadow Generator in her saddlebag next to the Crystal Heart, which was symbolic in more than one way if you thought about it.
The lesson of the Mass Shadow Generator, or at least the one it had told the second time it was used, was that the past can influence the future. But the Crystal Empire teaches us that the past can be more than the haunting specter of memory, more than the broken, echoing screams of death left over from Malachor V. It can be a beacon, one that's light travels far enough to show us a path to the future, a path Twilight was walking now.
The future of Equestria shined brightly in Twilight's eyes. Equestria would not become another Malachor V.
Magic didn't just flow into the cannon; it flowed into Twilight as well. In the center of the cannon's barrel, she was in a conduit of magical energy. Her senses were extended far beyond ranges she even imagined possible- she could feel the presence of vast uncharted star systems with her hooves, hear the wind blowing on distant worlds and see stars that had never been seen before.
It was almost an overwhelming experience, but magic was adaptive. Like many things, focus and concentration helped, and so the flow of information was not too much for her to take. Twilight Sparkle now saw space the way Luna saw things; space was not empty, it was full to the brim. So many swirling particles and energies propelled by cosmic forces throughout the stars, normal eyes simply couldn't see them. Carefully, she adjusted her own senses, like filters over a lens, until what she wanted to see became... clear.
Luna had been mapping space. Even a thousand years ago when the cannon was built, she had already begun searching the stars for a new planet in the event they needed it. Twilight could see the path Luna's chariot would take in her mind, escorting the cannon's pods full of ponies, creatures, plants and the supplies they needed as they explored the stars.
"Edenia..." The word escaped Twilight's lips but it had rung in her head first. Luna had named the planets.
"Zee-minus point-nine-zero."
"Got it!" Libra said. The donkeys of the New Baltimare Gun Club worked to adjust the cannon. Twilight understood now; she is selecting a target. Even though the cannon never launched projectiles outside Equestria's own solar system, and only launched a single manned capsule into orbit once, they were preparing to do much more.
"Adjust aperture on my mark!" Poshley said. Each donkey grabbed a single turnstile and gripped it tight. "Mark!"
The cannon above them rotated slightly. The cannon's aperture adjusted in response. In Twilight's head, the vision of Edenia became even more clear. Like a cannon and a camera.
"The cannon doesn't have the power to reach those coordinates... but the Spiral Staircase can get you started on your journey," Vintage said.
Trish nodded. "Princess Luna had a few planets scoped out for just such an occasion. The end of the world being the occasion, anyway."
"I need to see them all," Twilight said. "Show them all to me. We must find our new home. We must find what Luna found."
"Aye aye, your majesty!"
The cannon adjusted again. And again. And again. Magic painted a map of the cosmos in Twilight's mind. It was almost enough to lose yourself in, but she felt her heart still. It guided her, kept her anchored. She began to realize that there was more than one reason Luna had been searching for a new world.
"Ahh... haaa... haa... ohh." An exhausted Rarity finally climbed her way to the top of north tower again. "Whoever is making this... bizarre, ancient device move, could you please wait until AFTER we've finished cleaning it? Please?" No one was around to answer her.
As she pulled herself upright, she noticed the giant mechanical leg standing in front of her. And looked up to see what it was attached to.
"Your assistance would be appreciated," Magic Gear ALT said.
Rarity frowned. "I am taking a day off from generosity... after today." She began de-icing Phoenix and the team with a fire spell, a spell she was beyond tired of performing. But she did it anyway, for her friends, however long it would take, however much it took. She couldn't fight her own element.
Back on the outside of the cannon's housing, Dan was still frozen. He firmly believed his rage would sustain him through the cold and eventually melt the ice within just a few weeks. Unfortunately, he didn't have that time.
The Cogsdale Mk. 2 exchanged a volley of missiles with Magic Gear ALT. The giant pony mech could do little more than defend itself, being so precariously placed atop the cannon.
And then Eric landed on him.
"Agg!"
"RRRGG!" Dan growled. His frozen form fell back in the MTW's turret. The white-hooded figure of the strange proto-ganon stood up over him. Except... he wasn't quite the same. And he wasn't a 'he.'
"You again," Eric...a said.
"RRR-GGRRRGG-GRRR!"
"I do apologize for your predicament, friend," Erica said, in a tone that made Dan question whether she meant it or not. The swordswoman propped up Dan. She held up one of her swords and melted the ice off Dan's face. But didn't go below his neck.
"Ahhhh... ahh, that's better- hey! Why did you stop?"
"You will tell me how to drive this contraption back into the prison. Now."
"Why in the hell would you want to go back?"
"There's more locked up in this place than you could possibly realize," Erica said.
Dan shook his head. "I can realize quite a lot, thank you. Don't underestimate what I can realize."
She held up her sword again. "And if you don't help me get what I want, then I'll have to-" And then she exploded.
"AAAAHHH!" Dan was thrown back as the swordswoman burst into a wave of light in front of him. It was nearly blinding. Before Dan could ask what happened, Link... or Linkle, rolled by on her Spinner.
"WHAT WAS THAT? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT?!" Dan yelled at the other swordswoman. Pony Linkle didn't say anything, because she wouldn't regardless of gender, and reloaded her crossbow.
"You almost hit ME with that thing! I could've done just fine without the- hey, wait, wait a minute! What are you- oh no, NO NO NO!"
Linkle set the arrow on fire, charged it up and fired it right at Dan. It exploded in a burst of red light, instantly melting the ice without doing harm to him.
"Ahh... ahh... okay. Okay, thanks, that was good. But seriously, you didn't need to EXPLODE Eric... a. Erica. Like that. RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE!" Dan yelled. But Linkle had already pulled out her ocarina again and began playing the Song of Time. A few notes later and she faded away again.
The swords Erica had dropped also faded. Whatever game those two were playing, Dan understood he wasn't able to do anything about it at the moment. At least he wasn't frozen any more.
He looked behind him. The metal exploding balls were still chasing him. Good. He steered the MTW towards the cannon, hoping Cap and Chris were ready with the magnet.
"So what are we supposed to do with this again?" Chris asked, holding up the giant magnet.
"He didn't say. He just told us to get it, and told Nick to get a rope," Cap said.
Chris folded his arms. "Now we have a giant magnet and a rope. And no idea what to do with them." He looked off into the darkened distance. There was nothing for him to see, of course, he was just frustrated and both he and Cap knew it.
Since his friend said nothing, he continued. "I don't know why we're following him."
"Chris..."
"No. There IS no other time, Steve. The world is literally ending beneath our feet. Dan is the ONLY ONE who's been in charge and he's been leading us into one disaster after the next."
"Technically," Cap leaned forward, "he's been leading us THROUGH one disaster after the next."
"Look, I'm not saying he's been responsible for everything-
"You kinda are," Cap countered. "Okay, no more Brooklyn stories right now. Neither of us, nobody really knows what's going on. It hasn't been anything any of us could predict- not you, not me, not Twilight, not Tony or Vision or anybody else. Dan, at least, keeps us focused."
Gruffly, Chris nodded. "Getting through craziness, have a crazy guy lead you. I guess that makes sense. Something like that... or whatever."
Cap turned to him and handed him the rope. "We're not just going with whatever. We're going with whatever works."
"If we had five minutes, we could probably come up with a more sound plan than anything Dan has come up with thus far."
"Let me know when we have five minutes, then." Cap turned around. "Wait... you hear that?"
"Yes. It's getting closer."
They were both about to draw their respective weapons. That was when Dan drove up the side of the tower in his colossal rail-bound tank.
"Thanks guys, good job." Dan grabbed the magnet and rope out of Chris' hands. And then the tank slid all the way back down again into the bowl.
The two men left stared at each other, Chris with his hands still raised like he was still holding the objects he'd been told to acquire.
"I'm going back to the train to wait for Twilight and the others."
"Yeah, probably a good idea," Cap said, trying to be supportive.
Chris spared a glance upward. "You think she knows what's been going on out here?"
Cap also looked up at the starry vista above them. "I'm sure whatever she's doing is very important."
"No..." Twilight said, tapping a hoof to her chin. "There's too much sulfur in this one."
"Sulfur can be a very useful material in metallurgy," Vintage chimed.
Twilight shook her head. "Yes, but too many surface-level deposits increase risk of atmospheric vaporization. And sulfur dioxide is a very, very bad byproduct."
"I think she just doesn't like the color..." Trish mumbled.
"What was that?"
"Nothing your highness!"
Twilight resumed her search for a suitable planet to be the new Equestria. Using the cannon and Luna's star-scanning magic was too good of an opportunity to waste. The new Equestria had to have all the important features of the current Equestria, minus the fact that it was rapidly decaying. Luna had cataloged many planets in her own search and even named a few of the more viable ones. Twilight continued her search with the help of the Gun Club.
Strangely, the Equestrian solar system was quite far away from its neighbors. All of its neighbors, in fact. It seemed strange to Twilight that Equestria was so isolated from the rest of the galaxy.
"Wait! Here's one..." Twilight said. The cannon's lens captured a planet similar to Equestria. A bit more water and a bit less land, somewhat similar to Earth but most of the land mass was located on one side instead of spread out. It was in a solar system relatively close to Equestria at the moment, though the system's revolution in the galaxy would cause it to travel out of range eventually.
"Equus Nova." The words unspoken entered Twilight's mind. That's what Luna had called the new planet. There was sparse plant life and a good amount of volcanic activity towards the northern pole, some tectonic plate activity. It was a new world just now beginning to settle and develop into a habitable state. Weather was wild and turbulent. But some of the islands on the southern hemisphere had jungles on them, stability. Life required millions of years of relative stability to generate into something as complex as a jungle, so this was a good sign.
"Ah! Equus Nova. A fine choice," Poshley said. "Princess Luna seemed to fancy that one as well. The calibrations are already made."
"Could've just picked that one in the first place. The name's kinda obvious," Trish commented.
"Shoosh now. We'll reconfigure the cannon at once, your majesty."
"Blast chamber is at full capacity! Ready to load the barrel!" Vintage announced. All four of the legendary donkeys were excited; this was their dream. Twilight could feel their passionate enthusiasm.
Poshley took off his hat again. "We'll take it from here, princess. You should go back to the platform now- your train is waiting."
"Thanks, I-" Twilight was about to fly out of the cannon, when she stopped. "But wait..." she looked around at all four of their faces, happy, gleaming eyes looking back at her. "What about you? What about all of you?" She knew the answer to the question before she asked.
Poshley smiled. "We have to stay here to initiate the firing sequence, your highness."
"But the cannon... the whole planet is..." It was pointless to mention it, yet she had to anyway. She was Twilight Sparkle, after all.
Vintage removed his own hat. "It was nice getting to use the old gun one last time. Our dream lasted well over a thousand years. I'd say that's a pretty good run, all things considered."
Trish, the youngest, nodded. "We're all over a thousand-years old anyway. The cannon was our dream project, one which we were all lucky enough to see come to life. We put our lives into it. The magic... our passion, sustained us for this long. There's not much point to us without it."
"Get going now, your majesty," Libra said, raising her glasses. "You've got a long trip ahead of you."
Twilight nodded. "Thank you. Thank you all, very much," she said. She flew up and out of the cannon as the first tears fell from her cheek. New or old, from those you literally just met to ones you've held dear for all your life, it was never easy to lose friends.
The cannon shifted one last time, rotating and narrowing its aperture for its final shot. At that same moment, the dogs from Reed Roamer's group arrived via their own train cars, racing into the train platforms as Dan continued battling the Cogsdale.
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Dan announced. "HERE we go, I got your medicine!" Dan tied the magnet to the barrel of the MTW. The round explosive pellets were still following him. Within a few seconds, they would all be right where he wanted them.
Dan grinned as he tied the not tight. "HaHA!" Quickly, he turned back to the MTW's controls and rotated the turret. He lowered the barrel and swerved it around, attracting the magnetic explosives. When they were just close enough, he flooded the barrel with cupcake batter. The sticky ooze flooded all the way to the end of the artillery cannon's barrel.
Dan swiveled the barrel around, like a giant spoon with cookie dough at the end. Just like cookie dough, the batter stuck to the tiny explosive balls and gathered them up. He spun the barrel all the way around, collecting the explosive orbs in the batter like chocolate chips. Now, his preparations were almost perfect. The flying donut Cogsdale was about to meet its first donut hole.
Twisting the controls hard in his hands, he spun the turret rapidly, as fast as it would go.
"Oh gawd... I'm gonna be sick..." he squinted his eyes as he spun. "I'm gonna kill that thing but I'm gonna be sick."
The world spun in front of his eyes and it was dark, but he kept his focus on the glimmering steel ring that assaulted his friends. His stomach was queasy but his fingers were on the triggers. He fired the donut hole at the whole donut.
The Cogsdale was about to unleash another freeze ray beam at the cannon's barrel when it was struck by the batter ball. Its ventral optical sensors, which had been targeting the cannon at that moment, were suddenly confused by the sight of a large wad what it analyzed as sugar, yeast, egg and butter stuck to the outside of its hull. More confusing to its A.I. was the fact that its own explosive ordinance was stuck in the ball. Its confusion quickly evaporated, however, when the donut hole exploded.
The explosives had been designed to penetrate magical shields, but they worked just fine against the hull of the Cogsdale. The Cogsdale Mk. 2 was not as sturdy or well-built as its ill-fated predecessor had been. In truth, Rice had simply taken parts from Gust's carriers and the Plasma frigate and built an armored shell around it. Part of the reason was because he didn't have time to build something fancier, the rest of the reason was that he just didn't care any more.
"YES! YES!" Dan applauded his own actions as he slowly stopped spinning. "I could say something about toasted bagels or iced coffee but I can't think of anything. Pinkie, I just might not launch you out of this thing if you get me one of them."
"You get that I'm not even there, right?"
"Oh, if only I could believe that," Dan said to the fourth wall Pinkie phantom. He'd been through a lot and was kind-of dehydrated so hallucinations were not out of the realm of possibility.
The Cogsdale's starboard hull was ripped apart by the explosion. A sizeable chunk of the ship's right side was vaporized in an instant, shockwaves cracking the hull horizontally. Metal warped and twisted as the blast tossed the ship, thrust from the engines still keeping airborne even as its systems failed.
The ship's A.I. became dizzy itself as explosion sent it into a spin. Determined, if it couldn't maintain altitude, it would fulfill its mission another way.
"I shouldn't be surprised he's able to do something like this..." Rarity said, remarking on the sight of the exploding airship. "But I still am."
"Me too," Phoenix said. The sky was lit up by the spinning, burning steel donut-shaped vessel. With a wad of cake batter and a few explosives, Dan had once again seemed to do the impossible. Whether he knew it or not, whether he intended it or not, revenge was an art form with him. Dan made the simple act of payback into an art, and mastered both the science and art of revenge. It was hard not to watch.
Back at the train platform, Twilight arrived at the same time Chris and Cap did.
"Okay, NOBODY's drawing lots," Doctor Whooves said. "There'll be room enough for us all, I promise you- TWILIGHT!"
"Doctor?"
"We might have to draw lots," he quickly said under his breath. The Doctor was trying to keep up the facade of optimism but it was clear time and now civility were not on their side. Reed Roamer and his reformed cronies had arrived and now the train platform was absolutely swollen with ruffians. The dogs had added to the crowd of zebras, ponies, griffons and donkeys and it was very clear they all recognized the same problem- the train car would not fit them all.
"Women and children first!" "There ARE no women or children here!" "Hey, I resent that!" "You'll resent my fist across your fat beak!" "Who are you calling fat? You dogs take up twice the space normal people do!"
"My friends, if we could just organize ourselves," Tuxley said, or tried to say over the voices of everyone, "there is no need to panic."
Reginald adjusted his glasses. "We were having tea moments ago. That was nice. Then, Mr. Roamer and his associates arrived."
"This tends to happen when you're late for tea."
"Quite right, sir."
"Quite right indeed."
"HOLD ON!" Twilight yelled. She flew up and over everyone.
"It's the purple one! She has a plan, doesn't she?" "She always does! If not her, than that loud guy!"
Twilight nodded. She retrieved the Crystal Heart from her saddlebag. "Indeed, I do have a plan."
"What is it?" a random pony asked.
"It's this. Say 'cheese!" But before anyone had a chance to do so, Twilight's horn already had started glowing. In a flash of light, they all disappeared. And into the Crystal Heart they went.
Twilight held the Crystal Heart up to her ear. She couldn't hear them, but had to imagine they were safe inside along with the Crystal Empire.
"My goodness! What was that bright light just now?" Judge asked.
Colress stepped out of the train alongside him. "I believe Twilight used her magic to... teleport everyone into the Crystal Heart?"
Twilight nodded. "That's exactly right. But now, we need Colress to help guide the train but as for you, Judgey..."
"Oh! I'm quite fine either way. I'm certain the ride will be just as thrilling in a toy train or a toy jewel!" he said.
"Well, we might need the extra hands."
The judge gave a smile and a bow. "Then you will have them."
"Thank you, judge. Let's get aboard." They didn't really notice as they stepped on but a few of the foodimals were already on the train car. All that was left was for Phoenix, Rarity, the Gears and Dan to join them.
"This is bad," Phoenix said. "Shouldn't that thing have...?"
Rarity shook her head. "I don't know."
"The vessel is on a collision course. The explosion will damage the cannon."
"Oh, great. It's going to kamikaze us!" Ace said.
"Crude but accurate assessment," Knight remarked.
The Cogsdale Mk. 2 was still struggling to stay in the air. Despite this, the vessel's A.I. was determined to complete its mission. Spinning with very little control, it was trying to control its descent so it crashed onto the barrel. And it was doing so very quickly.
"What do we do? Where's Dan?!" Phoenix exclaimed. He looked around. "We need some kind of... thing! A thing to knock it off course!"
"There's nothing here!" Rarity said. "And it's made of that anti-magic material!"
"You all must leave now," ALT said.
They hesitated, all of them. They knew what the machine meant.
"What will happen to you?" Rarity asked.
"It does not matter," ALT answered.
To ALT and her mechanical sisters, it was easy to predict when, where and how the massive vessel would land. They were able to process these things faster than their organic friends, and so the seconds before it collided with them seemed like all the time in the world to them. Factors like wind, weight, motion, rate of the vessel's destruction, all were compiled and computed and analyzed in fractions of time too small for words within ALT's brain. She knew what she had to do and how to do it.
What couldn't be known, what could not be predicted by man, mare or machine was what happened after. This thought caused just the slightest trill sensation of fear through the machine. The most basic of fears, the fear of the unknown. It was unique as it was the first of such experiences for ALT, who had not matured as much as her sisters on the plane of consciousness. Yet it was an easy fear to overcome.
Living and doing nothing was worse than making the ultimate sacrifice for her friends.
"Go! Now!" ALT shouted. The giant mech pony raised itself onto its hind legs just in time to catch the giant spinning airship.
"Leg drive motors at maximum. EMP at maximum. Hydraulics system operating in overdrive mode."
ALT's jets flared, her horn glowed bright orange, her forelegs gripped the hull of the giant vessel. It was large enough that it could've filled the cannon's bowl easily; the Magic Gear was absolutely dwarfed by the steel donut ship. The vessel's own engines were still flaring, still firing even as it fell apart under its own fractured weight.
The Cogsdale leaked fluid, debris and bits of its armor flaked off and its hull continued to buckle and crack under stress. Like a donut dissolving in coffee, it was only a matter of time before it disintegrated completely. But when it did, the damage would reach its cold fusion reactor, where what was left of Kyurem's power was stored. It would detonate and flash freeze the cannon, preventing it from firing.
ALT was not going to let that happen. She knew she could not hold the vessel in place forever, though.
"Thank you, ALT! And... and tell the doctor we said thank you, too!" Phoenix yelled.
"He knows. As do I. There was no other alternative."
Phoenix smiled. "We didn't need another one." He picked up Knight, Ace and Volcy, who strangely was surrounded by a large group of foodimals, and carried them back downstairs. Rarity followed them and the foodimals, having nowhere else to go, followed as well.
Dr. Vice Grip, the Mirror of Rice Puddinghead, had taught Magic Gear ALT well. She had learned to value life, just as the other Gears had learned through Dan and the others. Like her friend she had left behind, she did not care what dimension she was in, who was in charge or what other people wanted from her or thought about her. She only cared about her friends, doing the right thing and hoped, very much hoped that she made a difference.
It was the last difference made in this Equestria.
ALT's hooves dug into the metal hull, crumpling it like paper around her limbs. Even with all her magic, tech and raw strength, she could only hold the crumbling vessel in place. It was a fight she could not keep up for long. As soon as the door closed behind the last of the foodimals, she put all of her might into lifting the Cogsdale, and flipped it.
The rounded bow of the ring-shaped ship couldn't handle the sudden upward motion. It collapsed inward, but the interior of the ring, its strongest structural area, held on, keeping the ring shape even as its outer hull was crushed. Its engines failed, explosions broke across its dorsal and ventral surface, the craft was now carried solely by ALT's jets. And she was carried with it.
With what power remained in her jets, ALT steered the ship back upward. She pushed it as hard as she could, out over the cannon's bowl. She had to get far enough away, that she knew, so she would carry it as long as it was needed. Her leg jets began to fail, so she tried to lift it more with her forelegs, using every ounce of strength she had. Further, further, further.
Her own systems began to fail. Her own armor cracked under the stress. No longer able to hold it up, she did her best to guide its descent. With the last of her power, she sent one last message to a friend.
Doctor.......... I have completed my mission. Thank you. Her eye-lights went out. Still grasping the burning airship tightly, they both crashed into the ground and exploded. The bright orange fire was visible from space.
Phoenix and the others felt the explosion even as they ran through the facility. The cannon shook, but suffered no damage, and the tremors subsided quickly.
"Impact registered nine-point-six kilometres north-east of our current position," Knight said.
Ace shook her head. "ALT's signal stopped transmitting. No power readings."
Volcanus, closest thing to a mother that the Gears had, hung her head low. "Farewell, lost daughter. You will forever have a place in our hearts."
"Pfft, she's probably fine," Ace said. She had gotten a lot of her personality from Rainbow Dash. "I mean, it's not like we haven't done the whole Iron Giant sacrifice like a dozen times already. All three of us came back from it."
"That's a good point," Phoenix said. (Though, Mia's able to contact me and her death still hurts. I guess it's not quite the same with robots.)
They arrived back at the train platform just in time.
"We're here!"
"Oh, thank goodness- you guys are just in time! Get on!"
"Wait," Phoenix stopped, as did Rarity and the Gears. "Where is everybody else?"
Twilight shook her head and shoved Phoenix in the train. "It'll take too long to explain!"
"She teleported them all into the Crystal Heart, safe and sound!" Judgey said.
"Judge?"
"Hello, Mr. Wright! Will you be coming to the moon with us?"
"Uh, yeah- what about the Crystal Heart?"
Twilight shut the doors behind them. "We don't have time for this, you guys! The cannon's about ready to blow, the planet's about ready to blow, we have to go now!"
Rarity looked around. "Is that everybody? Did we forget anything?"
"I don't think so," Phoenix said. "If everyone's in the Crystal Heart, I guess we're ready to go."
"Right, we're leaving! Colress, activate the loading sequence!"
"On it." The train car moved forward through a false door at the back of the platform. Through the dark corridor, the wheels creaked and rolled. Not in a thousand years had the cannon been used, but it was about to be.
Rarity looked behind her. "Are we sure we haven't forgotten anything?"
"YES!! YESS, GO! GO NEW ROBOT!" Dan cheered as the new Magic Gear carried the giant steel donut away from the facility. Still on the MTW circling the bowl, Dan couldn't help but applaud the machine. Relief flooded over him, and he was reminded he had a lot of people to thank when he finally rescued them.
He looked back to make sure the cannon was safe. It was, but strangely enough, the four points of the cannon were gone. In its place, the cannon seemed to look like a giant unicorn's horn, with stripes of light running up its length from base to tip in a glowing spiral. Dan didn't know it, but this was the Spiral Staircase- the magical stairway to the stars.
"Of course, it has to be shaped like a horn," Dan remarked.
A massive explosion shook rocked its way through the ground beneath him. It was bright enough that it illuminated the area around him.
He watched as the explosion dominated the landscape, bathing everything in an orange glow. "Hahaha, nice," he said, a bit proud of himself. And then he spotted a piece of debris hurtling towards him. "Oh shit."
The MTW exploded, and Dan with it. The rail-based cannon was thrown from its tracks and skidded across the bowl.
Back inside the cannon...
"HOW COULD WE FORGET DAN?"
"Stop the train!!" Phoenix yelled.
"There is no stop! There aren't any brakes up here!" Colress shouted.
"Well uh, we're certainly not going to tell him about this. When we get him back," Twilight said. "It's been a difficult day and well, it just slipped our minds."
"It didn't slip MY mind!" Phoenix shouted.
Twilight flew up in his face. "HOW? You didn't tell us to wait for him either!"
"OBJECTION! You said EVERYONE was in the Crystal Heart! I thought you meant Dan was, too!"
Judge Judgey nodded. "A fair point, Mr. Wright. I'm going to have to penalize you, Twilight."
Twilight's psyche-gauge took a hit at that. "Wait, why do I have a psyche-gauge? We're not even in the courtroom?"
Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh, Ace Attorney rules?"
Twilight rubbed her head. "Okay, I pretty much had the magical powers of the cosmos flowing through my brain for like... a while. I'm kinda... out of it. I'm sorry."
Phoenix, Rarity, Gears and Judge patted her princess-ly shoulders. "It's okay, Twilight. You don't have to apologize to us. We love you."
She smiled at them, teary-eyed. "Thanks you guys."
"Yeah, you're gonna have to apologize to Dan- you forgot him."
"Would you like us to calculate the odds of him assaulting you?"
"Why don't you calculate the odds of ME assaulting YOU?" Twilight asked.
"Erasing data..."
Slowly, Dan pulled himself from the burning wreckage. He was burnt, again, covered in blackened soot, again, and bruised, battered and barely standing, again. It was dark, hazy and his eyes were burning and watery from the smoke. Legs felt shaky, but he could move them, and walked away form the flames.
He tried to see where he landed. Looking around, Dan saw the Spiral Staircase and began limping in that direction. Behind him, the fires on the MTW reached the ammo magazine and it exploded. The explosion slammed Dan in the back and propelled him through the air yet again. He tumbled the moment he hit the ground, rolled, unable to control himself. He rolled all the way down the bowl to the base of the cannon, and that is where he blacked out.
When Dan came to, his vision was fuzzy. As it cleared, it was still fuzzy, because something fuzzy was in his way, something blue.
"Wait, wait- what? What're you doing? Get off!" Someone or someTHING was licking his face. It was irritating enough that he felt some of his strength return... or was that something else?
He looked up and he saw... more blue fuzz.
"Fluffle?"
"Thhrrrpp."
A blue flufflapon pony, like Fluffle Puff stood above him. Except it was a stallion. He licked Dan again.
"STOP THAT! I don't know you!"
"Thrrrrbb thrrrbb thrrpppp phrrrrb."
"Yeah, I don't understand you. Now will you-"
The blue fluffy pony bit Dan's pant leg and dragged him into the cannon.
"Wait! Stop!" Dan protested. "You don't have to-OW I CAN WALK, JACKASS! HEY!" But the fluffy pony continued pulling Dan hastily into the cannon.
"One of us has to go back for him!"
"Not it." "Not it." "Access denied."
Twilight rubbed her face, exhausted.
Phoenix just shrugged. "Well, it will be easier since you can fly. And teleport. And stuff."
"Rarity needs to sit down," said Rarity upon sitting down.
"Also, this will let you-"
The doors to the train opened and a Dan flopped in. "Aughff!"
"Dan!!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Can we get off this planet now? Please?"
"Yes! Also, sorry we forgot about you. Let's get going- I found a new planet, it'll be perfect for the new Equestria! We can get started building a new Ponyville, a new Canterlot and everything!" Twilight said.
Dan carefully picked himself up off the floor. "Great, and I can supervise everything. Gonna need a lot more plans for this new- wait, forgot about me? YOU WHAT?!"
The train shook, nearly knocking him back to his feet again. "Wait!" Dan exclaimed. He pressed his face against the glass. "There's someone else who-" He looked outside. The blue pony was gone. The train moved back into the loading chamber.
"Alright, everyone!" Twilight said. "Strap in and remain seated!"
Dan, Phoenix and the others buckled into their seats while Twilight and Colress worked the controls. The train car moved into a massive spherical chamber. A massive mechanism built by the donkeys, even though it hadn't been used in over a thousand years, it still worked like new without a hitch or scratch.
The train car rolled into position. The rails underneath it flipped upward, pointing the car to the sky.
"Hey, you think there's going to be an in-flight movie?" Phoenix asked, grinning a little.
Dan looked over at the taller Phoenix, with Rarity right next to him.
"Something wrong?" Phoenix asked.
"Nothing, Nicky. Just a little deja vu is all."
"Everybody ready?" Twilight asked.
"YES!" they all called back.
Dan leaned into the aisle. "Is there going to be a countdown or-"
All at once, the ground shook. The cannon unleashed a massive blast of both natural and magical energy, an explosion of light and power that pulsed through Equestria. The train car, the tiny capsule containing Dan, Twilight and the gang shot out of the cannon faster than the eye could see. They blasted through the atmosphere, cutting through the clouds very much like a bullet, exploding with so much force that they broke free of Equestria's gravity and emerged in space.
The capsule streaked a trail from what was left of the atmosphere. The Director, Cleo, looked up one last time and smiled.
"Yes... go," she muttered. Like Equestria, her body was once again deteriorating. Her withered form was already crumbling into the energy that sustained it, converting back into a natural state. Still, she looked up, determined to watch until her eyesight failed, determined to smile until she no longer had muzzle.
"I did it... can you hear me, Lauren? They're leaving now. There's no disguising it. Heh... heheh," she chuckled, holding her side, until the feeling was gone and she was holding nothing and had nothing to hold with. "At last... this place is cradle and grave no longer."
Cracks formed in Equestria's surface, fracturing to the core. The continents, the tectonic plates shifted and shattered, breaking like glass. Parts of them around the southern hemisphere began drifting into space, like petals of a once gorgeous and blooming flower falling off to drift in the weightlessness of the ether. The train car emerged in orbit.
Cleo felt her eyes fade. Storms and darkness once more closed in around her, yet she was happy. Panting, she took one last breath and held it. It was the sweetest air she had ever tasted. She fell backward, but her body never hit the ground. It evaporated into magic before it could, and the magic of Equestria faded at last. The planet was truly dead, and so was the Director.
And yet, the Director was happy. She was happy that she finally lived in the first place. That final breath was hers and hers alone.
Inside their train car, Dan and company were now in space. And Dan had just one thing to say:
"HOLY CRAP!" He looked around. "I thought that would be louder."
"Was loud enough for me," Phoenix said, with his back sunk into the chair.
Weightlessness took over. The train car had been designed for space and so none of the Gun Club's lavish furniture floated freely. It became clear, however, that quite a few foodimals stowed away, as they began floating and prrring about the cabin.
The cheeseburger foodimal spun slowly, rising to the ceiling as Dan watched it in front of him. Several of the ball-shaped foodimals, mostly the fruit ones like the apple, orange, grapefruit and melon bounced off the walls. The hot dog and sandwich foodimals held their tiny paws together and made a ring, like they were skydiving in the zero-gravity.
"Oh, how adorable," Rarity remarked. She booped the ham sandwich foodimal as it floated by. "Don't they all look cute, Phoenix?"
"Yes. Cute." He noticed a smore and a marshmallow foodimal clinging to her mane. "Uh, you have a couple in your mane."
She nodded. "Those have been there, dear."
"Ah, right. Wait, what?"
Dan unbuckled himself, brushing a few foodimals out of the way as he did so. He took something out of his pocket, but none of the others noticed it. Rarity and Phoenix followed suit, and the three joined the foodimals in zero-gravity. Judge Judgey remained in his seat while a pear and a coffee roll foodimal clung to the ends of his beard.
Phoenix floated towards the port-side window. He braced his hands against the edges rather than window, something of a precaution. Outside was a spectacular view Equestria's upper hemisphere and equator. Although they'd launched from the southern hemisphere, their trajectory had taken them quickly into an orbit around the planet itself.
"Wow... Dan, Rarity- guys, take a look at this!"
"Yeah hold on," Dan said, fiddling with a device, but as he did a double-take he found himself drawn to the same view. Twilight and Rarity floated over to join them.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Rarity remarked.
Twilight felt her breath escape her, then caught it again. "I... I've never seen Equestria like this before."
"It... it really is beautiful," Dan said. Twilight wrapped her forelegs around him, Rarity did the same on the other side and Phoenix put his arm around his shoulders. They shared a hug and Dan didn't stop them. The planet in all of its majesty was before them. They were able to see just the outlines of the tallest mountain tops, the valleys and plains
"What's wrong with the clouds?" Rarity asked. "They're... oh. Oh my."
"There's no pegasi to keep them stable," Twilight said, remorse in her voice. "There's no place for them to go, nothing for them to do so they're just... floating away."
The clouds were very much like cattle in Equestria. Some of them meandered around, getting into dangerous situations for clouds. Quite a few just flew higher and higher, eventually drifting out into space. Others banded together to create massive storms that ravaged what was left of the land, expending what little was left of their own energy and friction.
Dan leaned forward, squinting. "Those aren't just clouds, either."
"No. Those are landmasses."
Twilight nodded. "The... the planet is d-dying. I, um..."
Phoenix patted her. "Go. Go find us a new home."
"Th-thank you. I- I'll go now."
The planet broke apart in pieces. Equestria had always been made of parts and forces that were either unnatural or stabilized through magic. Without magic, it all broke down, breaking apart piece by piece as its rotation and revolution tore it apart. The cannon firing had sped up the process and now, Equestria's final moment was at hand.
From a distance greater than Dan and the others could see, it was almost like the planet was unfurling and melting away as it moved forward. Equestria twirled in a dance of death as its normal movements through space were more than its parts could take. Water vapor and bits of rock spun around it slowly in a mist that expanded outward. The world of magic and ponies had become its own comet, its own final shooting start that engaged in one last performance before that final curtain.
The vapor cloud disappeared and the final rocks broke apart. There was no massive explosion, no eruption, no last blast to signify the passage of a titan. Equestria died a graceful death, a final bow as glimmering silver beads shined one last time in the sun's light before it was all gone. When the vapor disappeared and the twinkles faded, there was nothing left.
Rarity found herself crying. "Magnificent. Truly..."
"We were lucky we lived there," Phoenix said, his own eyes less than dry.
Dan nodded. "We were lucky we got to see it."
"Had a good run, didn't it?" Barro's voice crackled through the old radio-style intercom speakers. "And that's all we can really hope for in the end, isn't it. A good run. A worthwhile time here before we have to make that final exit. Or in your case... a final parting shot."
Dan pulled out the device he'd been messing with. It was a communicator. "Now. We need you NOW. Get here, get here to us now! RIGHT NOW!"
"Where is he?" Rarity asked, looking around.
Phoenix checked the windows. "I can't see him. Twilight! Colress! Can you see anything up there?"
"Oh don't worry, Phoenix. I can certainly see you."
*BANNG* *GNNANNG*
"What the hell was that?!" Dan asked. "Is he shooting at us?"
Phoenix looked around. "That wasn't a laser blast- something hit us!"
"Dan! Get up here!"
"No, of course I haven't shot you. Yet. You're still around to ask that question."
"I'd give real money if he'd shut up," Dan said, pulling himself to the front cabin. "What hit us?"
"We've got debris. And lots of it," Colress said. In front of the front window was tons of scrap metal. Bits, pieces, parts of ships by the thousands, by the millions. Most of them were easily pushed through but the larger ones thumped against the hull.
The train car wasn't meant for long-term space travel, and only had rudimentary thrusters for use in orbit. Colress was able to use them to propel the train, but it was not ideal. Debris continued pelting the vessel, threatening to throw it off course.
"What is all of this?" Phoenix asked.
"What's left of the ships that tried invading Equestria," Barro answered them. "Lost count how many but they keep coming. As Rice intended."
Dan looked at his communicator. "What exactly does he 'intend' to do with all this junk?"
"Whatever he wants. Technology and knowledge from every universe ever conceived is being brought here. He's building armies, more Magic Gears on the moon and new weapons. All of it just comes here and he's forcing me to shoot it down. Eventually, he won't even need my help," Barro said.
"Sure but WHY? WHY are all these ships showing up here?" As the train car was sucked into the debris field, they found themselves flowing along with it. The junk, the metal, all of it was floating towards the moon. And hovering just off the moon's orbit were massive signs made of junk, lit up with crude lights for all to see. They read:
NO SOLICITORS GO AWAY NOT WELCOME NO TRESPASSING GETTA DA FUCK OUTTA HER
They were still gathering junk to construct the last "E."
Dan frowned. "Of course. The one surefire way to get people to show up to bother you is to tell them to get lost."
"Right on target, Dan. And hey, speaking of being right on target... you didn't forget our deal, did you?"
"Oh shit."
"I think you've gotten enough of a headstart. But look at the bright side, Dan- you were here until the very end. That's more than a lot of people can say. You had a good run, Dan. Time to end it."
"NOW!" Dan yelled into the communicator. He looked out the window. "Where the hell are you?! We need you now, please! Come on!"
"Shield!" Twilight yelled, and grabbed Rarity and the others. The two mares produced a shield around the train car, and then another shield.
"That is an inadequate defensive measure," Knight said, as she and the other Gears twirled among the foodimals.
"Barro wouldn't kill all of the foodimals, would he?" Volcy asked.
"I don't want to calculate those odds," Ace said. "Put your heads between your legs and kiss your shiny metal ass goodbye."
"Dan?"
"Yes, Twilight?"
"Tell me you have a plan," Twilight said, holding onto him, Phoenix, Rarity and Colress tightly.
"Um..." Dan swallowed. "I tried to call a friend."
"Isn't that what you did when you fell out of the plane?"
"S-shut up, Nicky."
"It's been a fun time, gang but all good times have to come to an end eventually. Oh, hey Dan! You can kinda think of this as permanent hiatus."
Barro's shot pierced both magical shields. It pierced the hull of the train car, went right through the ceiling, the floor, kept going and the energy from the shot caused the entire thing to explode. The entire train car was blasted to pieces and disintegrated into atoms in a single, red flash of light and fire. There was nothing even left to be seen of it but dust, just like Equestria.
Barro let out a long exhale. For a moment, he drifted in space, still gripping the controls of his gunship. The motions of the cosmic tide carried him as he watched the debris particles from the train expand outward. The ship might as well have been a pen, its shot being the last word, the final point in Dan's story. Even after all that happened, it ended the same: the reporter had written the last word of Dan's story and the story of Equestria.
The fact that it would be preserved gave him some solace.
"Wow... he's really gone."
Several remarks floated around Barro's brain in that moment, but none felt right. "Yeah," he said. Another long silence followed.
"So... what do we do now?"
Barro shrugged. "I don't know. There's always other stories out there. We could go cover them."
"Okay," Michael said, sounding innocently uncertain but also accepting. Michael Hay, unlike Michael Bay, was happy enough letting others lead. Yet another long silence in space followed before Michael said, "We... we never found out about the raffle tickets."
Barro thought of telling Michael to shut up again. The thought was gone as quickly as it had come. "Yeah."
And then, the sensors of Barro's fighter pinged something. Before he could say something, Michael did.
"Looks like we're not done covering this after all!"
Barro gritted his teeth. "Shut up, Michael."
"Yeah!"
Dan thought he felt a tingle before the shot hit. His vision filled with bright light. For a brief moment that was all he and the others could see; bright, swirling light surrounding them. And then, they reappeared on the transporter pads of the Danfiant.
"GAAAAAHH!" Dan yelled. "Haa... haa... haa..."
"Wh-what?" Phoenix asked. "What is this?"
Twilight looked around. "Where are we?"
Khan Noonien Singh was there to greet them, arms folded. "You're aboard the Reliant-R. Safe, but for how long, I cannot say."
Dan grabbed Twilight's face. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I didn't know who was listening in."
"Didn't tell us what, Dan?" Phoenix asked. "Wait... is this the Reliant?"
"Even better. It's the DAN-fiant. Had Khan and some others working on it for a long time, and they did a great job."
Colress tapped at his wristpad, even alternating between the two of them with the data they were absorbing. "There's a lot of power fluctuations in this thing. Are you sure the repairs are-"
"No time! We've got to get to the bridge!" Dan shouted, and started bounding down the corridor.
"Other way," Khan said, prompting Dan to come bounding back around in the opposite direction. He waved at the others to follow him.
The corridors of the ship were lit with a red glow, testament to the state the ship was still in. Dan ran up to one of the ship's turbolifts.
"They're inoperative below C-Deck."
Dan spun around. "What the hell IS working around here?"
"Not much, Dan," Khan admitted. "We have partial main power."
"That's ALL?"
"Best we could do with lumber and electronics from Pone Depot." The group took a right from the main hall to the Jeffries tube. They took it all the way up to the top of the ship and from there, they reached the bridge.
On the other side of the great rock in space where Equestria had been, Barro was just now realizing he was duped. His fighter's engines warmed up, and began bearing around the debris field to intercept them.
The doors to the bridge opened. "Where's the steering wheel? Quick- how do we fly this thing?"
"I thought you'd read the instructions," Khan said.
"Instructions on how to rebuild it, now how to fly it. Now turn on the in-fight-movie screen thingy."
Methodically, Khan moved to the science station and activated the tactical viewscreen. The display at the front of the bridge activated. But it wasn't a tactical view at first.
"What is 'Raid: Shadow Legends?'" Phoenix asked, puzzled. (Why am I suddenly worried about the possibility of a mobile Ace Attorney game?)
"Khan," Dan started, "what the hell is this?"
"I believe," Khan began with a slight sigh, "Shining Armor or Cadence may have gotten bored during the repairs and downloaded some form of software to the main computer."
Dan took the captain's chair. "How do we get rid of it? We need the external cameras, the main viewfinder, the periscope! SOMETHING!" He tapped at the controls on the chair's arm randomly.
"Captain's Log, Stardate five-seven-*kzzzssht* -something to do with that rash, but we can't seem to-*kzzssht* -moon over Rigel-7 with my pants down, so I-*krrrsssshhshhh*"
"Dan, MAYBE you shouldn't press so many buttons before we know what we're doing!" Twilight suggested.
Rarity stepped onto the bridge wearing a Starfleet uniform. "I just found the loveliest outfits in a closet nearby- I absolutely love this material!"
"Rarity, not helping!" Phoenix shouted.
"But they look so nice and they feel amazing. And each one comes with this lovely pin," she said, tapping the Starfleet pendant. And somehow, doing so triggered something on the bridge.
"Hi there! Thank you for choosing OnStar for all your starship and space vessel needs. To continue in English, press 1. TlhIngan, cha' batlh press! Quack, quack quack. For additional options, please configure your universal translator or Babel fish to the custom settings."
"OnStar? This ship has ONSTAR? Did they get this ship from a used car lot?!" Dan shouted.
"Isn't that where you got your car from, Dan?" Phoenix asked.
"MY CAR DOESN'T HAVE ONSTAR! The damn thing's a ripoff, anyway! Just trying to sucker you in to more monthly fees when you know you're never going to use the thing, even if you DO get into an accident, you just use your cellphone to call a tow truck or a buddy so-" A loud smash, close by, cut Dan's rant short.
"Something hit the hull!"
"Hey! I think I found the controls!" Phoenix announced. Another crash reverberated through the hull. Phoenix had apparently found the helm console, just in front and to the left of the captain's chair.
"OnStar has detected a collision with your vessel. If you would like to contact your registered insurance provider, press 1 now. Chegh qul lo'laHbe' Ha'DIbaH 'e' ngIl SoH maw, cha' batlh press!"
"I've fixed the viewscreen," Khan announced. "And yes Phoenix, those are the helm controls. Twilight, take the weapons console. Rarity, communications and Colress- get to engineering."
"What about the instructions?! How do I know which weapon is which?!" Twilight asked.
"TWILIGHT JUST DO WHAT KHANNIE SAYS FOR SHIP'S SAKES!"
"Okay okay!" Khan may have had the right idea but it was Dan that everyone listened to.
The door opened for Colress to leave the bridge, but in flooded the foodimals.
"Yayyyyyy!!" "Excited expression." Atop the foodimals rode the Magic Gear sisters.
"OnStar reminds users that any trouble with tribbles or problems with parasprites are not available for assistance."
The viewscreen switched from the menu of Raid: Shadow Legends to Ponymon: Go.
"I thought you said you had this thing fixed!!" Dan shouted. The foodimal wave reached him and at the same time, something bashed into the hull yet again.
Khan looked back at his controls, concerned. "It seems Twilight's brother and sister-in-law have been downloading quite a few things to the bridge computer..."
Dan grabbed the armchair and hit it hard. "HELP US, ONSTAR! HELLLLPPP!!" Whether on purpose or not, he pressed 1.
"Activating ECH. Have a nice day!"
A hologram appeared next to Dan. "Please state the nature of the command emergency."
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" they all screamed as the foodimals overtook the bridge.
The Emergency Command Hologram, who looked a lot like Robert Picardo, blinked and rubbed his ears. "You don't have to be so loud, you know. And apparently, I didn't have to ask. Computer- remove all unnecessary lifeforms from the bridge."
"Acknowledged." All the foodimals glowed a shimmering gold and were beamed off the bridge. ECH then looked around and realized a problem.
"Computer, beam back all of the sentient lifeforms to the bridge."
"Please specify."
Exasperatedly, he said, "All of the ones that wouldn't fit in storage compartment, please!"
"Acknowledged." Phoenix, Twilight and the others were then beamed back. All except for-
ECH pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please beam back the last human as well."
"Oh yeah, sorry. Here he is. Uh, I mean- Acknowledged."
"AAAAAA-oh hey, we're good now."
"Computer, display forward view, please." The viewscreen then changed from yet another mobile game to that of space just in front of the ship's bridge. Except, to Dan's eyes, it looked like it was still on some kind of game.
"Okay, magic bald guy, that's still a game."
Twilight looked at the screen nervously. It showed the outer hull of the ship and a group of familiar, translucent creatures prowling on it. "I don't think they make any mobile games about ursas."
ECH bit his lip. "That's because they don't."
Several Ursa Minors were roaming on top of the ship. Licking, pawing or clawing at it curiously. One rose up in front of the bridge and snarled at the camera.
"Oh dear. They're not going to eat the ship, are they?" Rarity asked.
"A lullaby. We need a lullaby right now but-but," Twilight stammered, looking around. "Is there sound in space? I don't know. WHY ISN'T THERE ANYTHING I CAN READ?!!"
ECH sighed. "Phoenix Wright, the controls in front of you-"
"Yes?"
"Push the handle all the way forward and rotate the knob next to it all the way to the right. Quickly."
"Like this?"
"NOT THAT FAST!" The ship spun rapidly. The sudden shift was too much for even the vessel's artificial gravity to take, and the motion flung everyone save for the holographic Emergency Command Hologram into the wall.
"Why didn't you just tell him to do a barrel roll?!"
"That's not what this is!" ECH snapped at Dan. Fortunately, the sudden rapid motion was too much for the Ursas, who were also flung off the ship. The space bears were hearty beasts though, so they weren't harmed.
Dan and company fell off the ceiling.
ECH walked up to them. "Do you require medical attention? Because I can provide that as well."
"No," Dan said, pulling himself off the deck. "I'm not signed up for OnStar now, am I?" ECH shook his head. "Good," replied Dan.
With the controls now sorted out, the Danfiant cruised through space under its own power. The shields were operational, the engines were working, the ursas had been shaking off and the foodimals had been removed from the bridge. Wreckage from the debris field bounced harmlessly off the shields as the vessel cruised. For a brief moment, Dan and the crew could breathe a sigh of relief.
In Dan's case, literally.
"Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh," Dan said, panting while clutching his chest. He was sprawled out on the captain's chair.
The ECH pulled out a medical tricorder. "Elevated pulse. Normal, given the situation but your blood pressure's a little high."
"Mine is, too," Phoenix said, bracing himself against the helm controls. "But that's normal given the situation." (And these situations have long-since became the normal.)
"If the circumstances were different, I'd admit you all to the sick bay. But, my full attention's needed on the bridge."
"I heard that!" a disembodied voice said. A moment later, it became bodied when the EMH Mk. 2 appeared on the bridge. "Just because you got promoted and I didn't doesn't make me any less of a doctor."
ECH gave him a knowing smile. "Of course. But as I was promoted, I'd like you to at the very least have some amount of respect for the position."
EMH Mk.2 suppressed a scoff. "Don't tell me you want me to call you Captain Doctor now."
"Captain will do fine, Mark-two. Report to engineering. Make sure the automation center's working properly."
Mark-two then gave a real scoff. "I'm a doctor, not an engineer!"
Which made ECH roll his photonic eyes. "And it's that attitude that kept you from being promoted. Engineering."
"Aye... captain." The other hologram disappeared again. ECH then turned back to Dan.
"He's not a bad program but he still has a lot to learn. Wouldn't have lasted a week in the Delta Quadrant."
Dan, however, was having trouble coming to grips with what he was seeing. This was evident by how tightly he was gripping the chair. "NICKY! Call the CMC! The ship is haunted!"
The ECH sighed heavily. "I'm not a ghost; I'm a hologram. And a captain. Weren't you paying attention?"
"No." "No." "Nope." "Nadda." "No." "I heard something about ghosts."
The ECH pinched the bridge of his nose and walked around the back of the bridge. Improvising was something he found himself doing quite often. You'd think he'd be used to it by now, but for some reason, it still irked him at times when things didn't go as planned or as programmed.
"Well... welcome aboard the U.S.S. Reliant-R. I'm-"
"It's called the Danfiant now."
ECH pinched his eyes shut again briefly. "I'm the Emergency Command Hologram, ECH for short. Might I inquire as to the whereabouts of the ORIGINAL crew of this vessel?"
Phoenix shrugged. "Your guess is as good as ours. Probably better, even. When we first found this ship, it was being crewed by pirates. And they were trying to kill us with it."
Khan offered a rare comment. "It appears this ship was on a scientific mission... much like its predecessor. Too much so. If I were to wager, I would guess that something happened to it during its voyage. Experiment gone awry, perhaps."
"What kind of experiment?" Twilight asked.
Dan got up. "You know, we DO have something more important to worry about right now- like the guy outside trying to kill us with his super gun."
ECH turned around. "Do people try to kill you all very often?"
"Unfortunately..." Phoenix nodded.
"Well... you're in good hands. Computer, tactical display."
"Acknowledged." The tactical viewscreen finally activated at the front of the bridge. A map of the area around what was left of Equestria appeared on the display. Equestria's moon, the vapor cloud of the planet and the space junk that had orbited it were all displayed in a giant grid.
"We're getting a t.v. like that for the new library," Dan stated.
The Danfiant appeared in the center of the screen, in the middle of the debris field. The junk was still rotating around in an artificial ring, thick enough that it was clearly visible to the eye. The debris had been made from Barro shooting down ships that dared venture close to Equestria to either invade, explore or even observe the planet. They all knew that if they were not careful, they'd be joining the debris field.
Another contact appeared on screen. Red, meaning hostile. And it came right for them.
"That would be Barro," Phoenix said.
"It is," Rarity piped up. "I've got him on the phone line if anyone wants to speak to him. He says he had to stop to make sure the ursas weren't hurt; several of them are quite young."
Phoenix turned around. "He's trying to murder us but he stopped to help the local wildlife?" Rarity nodded innocently. "Terrific," Phoenix remarked. "I just love a compassionate murdering psychopath. I get tired of the cold, creepy ones after a while."
"Me too," Dan said. "And yes! Put him on speakerphone! Moron loves to flap his gums so much, it might just buy us sometime!"
"Oh, I can hear you just fine, Dan," said Barro's voice from the ship's intercom system. "But I'm done talking. You've managed to surprise me a couple of times, so credit where it's due, you blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah-"
"Why is it when someone says they're done talking, that they're never actually done talking?" Phoenix asked. (I'd give real money if he'd shut up.)
"He can outrun us and outgun us," Khan said. "But there is another option."
"Does it involve turning off the intercom system? Because I support that idea," Dan said.
"The Meadowbrook Nebula bearing three-point-five to starboard," Khan said.
"The nebula? That's a terrible idea," Dan said. "Our shields would be useless and we wouldn't be able to see anything."
Phoenix spun around again. "Wouldn't that be a good thing, though? Our shields are already useless. And Barro not seeing us either means he wouldn't be able to shoot us."
Khan smiled. "The odds would be even."
"And that's not how we do things. Twilight! What is it I always say?"
"If you leave the door open again, I'm going to break all four of your legs."
"No, the other thing," Dan said.
"Shut the hell up Redfield?"
"No," Dan shook his head, and then walked over to her. "Never fight fair if you can avoid it." He rubbed the mare's mane, ruffling it.
Khan went back to the science console scanners. "If... that's the case, then, there is an asteroid field further out."
"Aren't those breeding grounds for ursa majors?" Phoenix asked.
"-the weirdest award show I'd ever been at, but to film it was another-"
"Our shields would probably last longer than that fighter's would against those space bears," the ECH said.
Dan shook his head. "That's not gonna work. Do you even know the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field?"
The ECH blinked. "Yes."
"No, no, none of these will work," Dan said. He strode over to the scientific display. All the while, Barro was still rambling on about how he was superior to them all and how they didn't stand a chance, so... that was a thing. At least his attention wasn't on them at the moment.
"-and that's when I told Michael that if he ever bought Miracle Whip again, we were going to have problems, and since then-"
Dan poured over the sensor reading. "Ah HA! Here's something." The sensor control was one of those old 90s-era computer mouse ball things that you rolled to control the cursor. He clicked on something outside even the moon's orbit. The tactical display responded.
"Snowdrop's Comet," Phoenix said, seeing the shimmering ice ball in front of them. "I didn't know it was supposed to pass this year."
"It's going to pass right between Equestria and the moon. We'll ride the debris field right to it and then use its tail for cover," Dan said.
"How is that supposed to work?" Twilight asked. She walked right up to the captain's chair, eyes on the display as she took the chair's arm. "Barro hasn't had a problem blasting anything else so far. Are we sure he wouldn't just shoot us through the comet? Or the debris field?"
"I'm not sure of anything!" Dan declared. "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! Make it so, bald guy! Engage, the warp zone, go to hyper-speed and balance my checkbook!"
ECH sighed again. "I don't even know what we're parodying any more."
"Aye aye, Dan." Phoenix gripped the controls and sped up the ship's engines. "We're now at about full speed."
"Impulse power," ECH said.
"Yes. Whatever that is."
"Uh, guys?" Twilight pointed at the screen. "Barro's still coming."
"I can do two things at once, I'll have you know! Like talk and shoot at the same time!" He opened fire, and the space between the two ships suddenly became very hot. The Danfiant pushed onward, debris melting around it as Barro's shots burned space junk into particles.
"Running? Really?" Barro asked his target. Whether Dan and company were listening or not, he didn't care any more. He did have to admit that Dan's plan was decent, and might've even worked if things were different. His luck had to run out sooner or later and finally, it did. Barro lined up his shot, the last shot.
"Yes! That's right, hahaha! You can't hit us here. Your little arcade game ship can't blow up more than one thing at a time! The space junk between us will absorb your shots, flyboy!"
Dan's ship plowed through said space junk even as Barro tracked it. The area was thick with hulls and hulks of ships Barro had already shot down, like a ring around the space Equestria used to occupy. Against anybody else, Dan's plan would've let them reach Snowdrop's comet with ease and even the moon.
Barro nodded, even though Dan couldn't see it. "Dan, my old friend... you're great at figuring things out. You would've made a good journalist. But you're wrong this time. This is no arcade game."
"But I-"
"End of transmission." Barro fired.
Dan had a brief moment to watch the shot as Barro fired. The tactical display showed him everything. One shot was all Barro needed to destroy them, but there was hope that it wouldn't hit. In that brief moment, Dan had been betting on Barro's shots to be harmlessly absorbed by the debris, but the red bolt of energy he fired just burned right through them. Dan had a chance to turn around and look at Twilight, something between a look of shock and apology in his eyes before the blast hit them.
This time, Dan was wrong. Hit them, it did.
The shot punched through shield, hull and ship pretty easily, as it had with all the others. It hit the modified Miranda-class vessel right in the bow. So powerful was the blast that it knocked the ship out of the debris field, tumbling it through space as it disintegrated armor.
The Danfiant's power failed, the artificial gravity failed, the life support systems failed. The ECH vanished. Dan and the gang all experienced a brief moment of weightlessness before it all went black. Then, Dan was in freefall again.
It was a lot like when he first arrived in Equestria. Falling, thinking he was going to die, wanting, hoping for some way of survival. Part of him was willing to accept his fate, part of him wasn't, part of him was still wanting someone to somehow rescue him, part of him was still clinging to survival. Some things can be bigger than all of us, there can be defining moments in our lives. But people, the world, life in general is too big to be defined by any one thing. So there were multiple emotions going through his mind at that moment.
It takes all parts to make a whole, even the parts that seem like they don't fit.
Dan hit the floor. And realized he wasn't dead.
"What?" Dan asked. "What?" Twilight echoed. "What?" went Phoenix Wright.
"WHAT?!?!" shouted Barro the Broadcaster, watching as the ship slowly righted itself. Although damaged, the Danfiant wasn't destroyed.
"We're still alive! We're still alive!" Dan exclaimed. He picked Twilight and Phoenix off the floor and hugged them both. He hugged them really tightly.
"*Ahem*" Khan interrupted, "So is Barro."
"How are we still alive?" Twilight asked. "Should I have said that out loud?"
Khan got up from his chair. "The ship was rebuilt with Equestrian timber. A small amount of the planet's own magical field still exists within the hull of this ship."
"Even in death, Equestria saved us," Phoenix remarked. (Is it possible for Maya to channel the spirit of a planet? Wait... it'd probably be Cleo if she did. Bad idea.)
"And we owe it all to the amazing savings and timely service at Pone Depot!" Dan proclaimed, beaming. Yes, the home construction store had been instrumental in Dan's repair of the Danfiant after it crashed. He had even been gifted with a free giant Toblerpone, but had not claimed it.
Another explosion rocked its way through the ship. All four of them were thrown to the deck by the blast.
"Your celebrations come prematurely, Dan! You didn't take the quick death, so now it'll be a slow one! In a thousand cuts if it has to be!!"
"Why does everything have to make the bridge shake?" Phoenix asked.
"Nicky! Get back to the helm, get us out of here!!"
"I'm trying!" They pulled themselves back to their positions.
"Um, hello? This is Colress, Rarity and I are in engineering. The holographic fellow is gone now... and I'm not sure how much more damage the vessel can take."
Dan gripped the arms of the captain's chair. "Uh... uh... Twilight!"
"What? I'm right here."
"Shield!"
"The shields are already up, though," Twilight said, regarding one of the displays.
Dan shook his head. "No! Magic one! Now!"
"Ah, right." A purple shield surrounded the vessel, but it didn't help. Barro's shots went right through it. One after the other, he punched holes in the Danfiant's hull, blowing apart deck after deck. The Equestrian construction held the ship together and prevented the blast from spreading, but it wouldn't last for long.
One of Barro's shots hit right near the bridge, a near miss.
"AAAAAAAAGGGH!!" Dan was thrown out of his chair again. The communications suite exploded, the primary navigation terminal right of Phoenix erupted into a shower of sparks. Even as Dan was trying to get up, another blast exploded through the ship. The ceiling above their heads exploded and a conduit fell to the ground.
Smoke, debris and sparks filled the bridge. The lights changed from yellow to red.
"Khan! Somebody... get the bald guy back here! We need help!!" Dan picked around the floor, squinting from the smoke. He felt something with his hand. "Rocks?"
"The shield's not working, Dan!" Twilight yelled.
"Dan! The warp core thingy is near breaking point! The ship can't take much more of this!"
"You SAID that already!" Dan said.
"Uh, Dan?"
"WHAT?!!"
"The engines are offline!" Phoenix said.
Dan looked around. Khan, thinking, got a fire extinguisher and put out the flames near the elevator and the two exploded consoles. Another shot ripped off the vessel's port nacelle. The only break the Danfiant got was when Barro stopped shooting the hull for a moment to rip off the vessel's warp nacelles.
"Twilight! Use your magic to make us go!"
"I'll try!" she said. Focusing her magical grip around the ship, she was able to pull it through space. It wasn't graceful, partly because of her inexperience and partly because she was exhausted, but she managed to move the ship. She had to be careful as squeezing too hard would rip it to pieces and holding it too softly while carrying it might cause pieces of the vessel to sheer off. Being an alicorn was not easy.
Another shot exploded through the ship. Dan, Twilight, Khan and Phoenix were thrown again. Once again, the vessel went dark.
"We need help! We need something! Can we teleport?"
"To where, Dan?!" Twilight yelled.
"Anywhere! We... we need to get out of here!!"
Phoenix pulled himself over to Dan. "Or... we could bring someone to us."
"What are you talking about?"
Phoenix held up his magatama.
"Barro says he's the greatest pilot? Well, we'll see if he's right," Phoenix said. The magatama glowed brightly in his hand. Equestria's magic was not the only magic that remained. As little as it was, would it be enough?
"Nicky, what are you-"
"I summon the greatest dogfighter pilot to us right here! Right now!"
But nothing happened.
"Nicky, what are you doing?!"
"He's using a summon spell! Quickly, join hands!" Twilight grabbed Phoenix's hand with her hoof.
"We're using magical ROCKS now?!"
"Dan, grab it!!" Dan did so, grasping Twilight's hoof and Phoenix's hand with both of his own. Khan joined in as well.
"We summon them! Now!!" The magatama glowed bright enough to illuminate the whole bridge yet again.
Of course it had to be noon. There wasn't a better time for Princess Luna, the princess of the moon and night itself, to have a secret meeting. No one would be expecting her to meet with ponies in the middle of the day when it was well-known she was usually sleeping at that time. But during his meeting with her, it was clear Luna had prepared for it; she didn't look the least bit tired at all.
And Barro knew why. He wasn't the only one she was meeting with.
A crowd exited the courtyard of Canterlot Castle through the gates. A group of the castle's cleaning and landscaping crew were changing their shifts. Plenty of the servants talked among themselves, made plans, most went straight home. The staff of Canterlot Castle was extensive enough that not all the guards, servants and other workers that kept up the castle could be quartered within it. Only the core staff and guards- royal advisors and the elite praetorian guards remained all the time.
The shift change was the perfect time for someone innocuous, or at least someone who wanted to appear innocuous, to leave the castle. Right through the front gate.
The crowd continued walking down the street into the city. A few branched off to the avenues and headed towards their homes or other places, a few pegasi took to the skies. They said their good-byes as they parted ways but most continued down the same street, gradually dwindling off until only the closest friends remained. Most of the talking stopped and the rush of the busy city took over. The perfect time.
Barro made his move.
"Hey Vinyl! Octavia! How great to see you- good to see you guys."
"Barry? Wait uh, I mean-"
"It's Barro. Good to see you again," the white stallion said, taking up pace beside the two mares as he walked.
Vinyl Scratch and Octavia both exchanged a confused glance. "Do we...?"
"Do we actually-"
"Do we actually know you?" Vinyl asked.
Barro smiled. The two mares would've nearly stopped but he kept the same pace, encouraging them to move forward.
"Of course! We met at your music store, remember? After that big sale you had last month."
"That was our going-out-of-business sale," Octavia said.
"Uh, yeah- hey, let's talk over here down this secluded alley." Barro steered the two mares around the bend to the corner of Secluded Street and Dark Alley Avenue. He looked around, checking to be sure no one had seen them.
"What's this about, Barro?" Tavi asked.
"I need to know about your meeting with Luna," Barro said quickly.
Both of them recoiled at the statement at first. Business with the princess was almost always an important matter, and this matter especially. It begged many questions immediately and if brought loyalty into question.
"How do you know about that?" Octavia asked. She did most of the talking, intentionally because Vinyl had a tendency to keep going if she started.
"Because I had a meeting with her, too, a few weeks ago. And I believe it may have been about the same thing," Barro said.
Vinyl and Tavi locked eyes again. Did they have some sort of twin-telepathy going? Unknown, but they seemed to be able to read each other, through their bestie connection.
"It was about a defense project. For Equestria," Octavia explained. "She contracted us to build a device that could be used to defend the kingdom in the event the princesses and the elements failed."
Vinyl lowered her head. "She passed on our design. And it's not even fair because it totally worked. Once."
"Yeah. It also worked in shorting out all of the audio equipment at my station, too. Your 'tests' blew out every speaker we had," Barro said.
With an apologetic half-grin and full shrug, Vinyl responded, "Hey, you gotta test the equipment before you use it."
"We're trying to market the bass cannon for parties now, anyway. They'll be for commercial and recreational use while the... more potent ones will be for home defense," Tavi explained.
"And house PARTY defense!" Vinyl added.
Barro nodded, more to himself than the two mares. He rubbed his chin, thinking on what to do next. "It's that bad, then. Well, that certainly changes things." You don't prepare for something you don't think has a chance of happening, even a remote chance.
"Why do you want to know? What's it to you?" Vinyl asked.
"Uh, well, that's not important. But what IS important is that I've found a way you guys can pay me back for when your bass cannon test wrecked my audio equipment," Barro said, smiling.
Again, the two exchanged a concerned glance. "And what way is that exactly?"
"You can tell me how noticeable those tranquilizer darts are."
"What tranquilizer- oh, you son of a biiiiiiiii-" Tavi fell over, unconscious.
Took a moment for Vinyl. "I don't really feel anything," she said, despite the fact there was a dart sticking on her neck. "Ohhh, wait, there it is!" And then she hit the ground.
Barro carefully removed Vinyl's trademark DJ sunglasses. Slapped a fake music note cutie mark on his flank, put on a blue wig and stuffed his muzzle into a mask that made it look more like a mare's, put on a fake horn and he was ready to go. Even though he still had a stallion's build, most ponies wouldn't give him a second glance. A rudimentary disguise but a functional one, Barro now bore at least a passing resemblance to Vinyl Scratch.
Of course, pony disguises were easy- wigs and paint were cheap, but body painting took time. For Vinyl's look, he just needed a pair of her sunglasses. He wasn't going to pay twenty bits for the official DJ Pon-3 replicas so Barro borrowed the real ones. Michael, who had darted the two mares, would make sure they were returned home safely.
Meanwhile, Barro made his way to the castle.
"Hey uh, dudes, I-"
"Halt," the first guard said. "What business have you in the castle... miss?"
"Heyyy, uh, I'm Vinyl, Vinyl Scratch. I had errr, a meeting with the princess today. I forgot something inside though- mind if I run back in and get it?"
The guards had changed shifts as well, so they didn't remember seeing Vinyl and Octavia leaving. Which was good, because that would've only brought up more questions. While the first guard talked to the disguised Barro, the second went over the appointment schedule. Meetings with the princess were of the highest importance and discretion, and so guests of the princesses, particularly ones with private business, were handled with a degree of haste.
They found Vinyl's name quickly, as Barro knew they would.
"Alright, go back in. Make it quick, though." They cleared 'Vinyl' and let Barro pass.
"Thanks dudes. Like, uh... tubular! And stuff. Woo!"
The two guards looked at him quizzically, but slowly returned their attention to the gate as he trotted by.
This was not the first time Barro had been in the castle. It wasn't even the first time he'd been in the castle in a disguise. Or even the first time he'd been in the castle disguised as a mare. The first time he'd been invited for lunch after his first interview with Celestia, and the report that followed caught a lot of attention. Barro had been invited to the castle along with Michael to interview some visiting diplomats from Equestria's neighbors. The event had ended up with him impersonating Princess Burrito, the pony princess of the Fiesta Islands. The two apparently had an uncanny resemblance to one another.
Guards patrolled the halls in pairs regularly. Normal traffic included the occasional tour group or servants, maids and cooks and royal attendants. All regular as clockwork. Princess Luna usually slept during the day and woke around sundown for her nightly duties. She was active during the day at least a couple of times a week, sometimes just to visit and spend time with her sister and others.
Barro kept a nonchalant trot through the halls and made his way to Princess Luna's wing. The Lunar Wing was styled similar to the rest of the castle; differences were present but not as pronounced as in other castles to symbolize unity. Harmony was the overarching theme of Canterlot Castle and was observable in every room. Princess Luna's wing was for business, like Celestia's on the opposite side but the private chambers of both princesses was in the keep high above and behind the throne room.
Barro checked every room in Luna's wing. But he didn't find her. Luna's wing held a parlor, a study, guest quarters, barracks and armory for the night guard, a ballroom and an enclosed garden, dining room and the castle library. Luna didn't seem to be anywhere. Barro was about to try sneaking up to Luna's private quarters when he heard something.
"Nnnnzzzzzz..."
Snoring. At the back of the library, sure enough there was a closet. Opening it, Barro discovered Princess Luna.
"Umm..." He knocked on the open door. "Excuse me, your highness?"
"Nnffffff..." The alicorn was lying on a pile of rags, asleep. "Five more minutes..."
Barro swallowed and knocked again. Luna's eyes opened.
So, it turns out there is more to the whole 'harmony' thing than we first realized. That's probably why it works so well with sound; when voices come together, they create something new, the harmony, but they retain their origins. It's like the old saying, if a tree falls in a forest and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound? We can tell it does by examining how far the sound waves travel and apparently it's much farther than we first thought.
Do you think it's possible for there to be transmission between two separate planes, though?
Well, not exactly in the ways you're thinking. What we've found is that harmony can connect great distances. People forget, however, that sound is also something that can be felt and it can't travel through just nothing. Imagine the planes not just as physical things but, for example, songs. Two different songs can have similar notes but they're still separate, however, if you hear them at exactly the same time well... it would be almost the same as if they exchanged notes.
But is it really possible for us to travel to another dimension?
It's not about travel; again, it's about frequency. Resonance and harmony is possible between two separate planes and in those rare spaces, it's possible for things to sort-of merge. The space you're in overlaps with another space and you're just there.
So, if we knew precisely where something was- with regards to time, space and frequency, would it be possible to merge them into our world, our dimensional plane?
IF there was a way for them to know when, then possibly, yes. This is only theoretical but if you had the correct frequency, then yes, it would be possible to summon things, even people.
-from the Symposium on Greater Magical Studies, excerpt from Starswirl
It started with a burst of static. At first, it was just noise, but quickly dissipated into a single signal. Barro kept his eyes focused on the point of light just above the Danfiant. The instrumentation panel on his fighter went wild as it picked up multiple new signals, trying to to keep up with the sudden influx of new information. At a close glance, it seemed that everything in the universe was suddenly fuzzier than it had been, like an image out of alignment.
"I was wondering when you'd call for help," Barro said. He didn't know if Dan could hear him or not, or if he and the others aboard Danfiant were even listening any more. But he had been waiting for this. "Come on, give me a challenge! Who's it gonna be? Rick Hunter? O'Donnell? I'll take Apollo and Starbuck together- I don't even care which versions you throw at me. Come on!! I'm ready for you! From apex predators to zenith warriors, nobody can take me down! I'm top gun!!!"
And Barro was right. At least, for the moment, that moment in time and space, he was top gun. Top pilot, top ace, the best of the best. There was something to be said about the homefield advantage but, to be honest, Equestria had never been Barro's 'home' home. Now that it was destroyed, however, it was a lot like Alderaan.
The light swirled. Magic energized the particles, the fabric of space and time, creating a connection between the smallest blip of space over the Danfiant and another location. Slowly, the material that made up reality began to compress. The physical nature of the space between two different universes began to move and pulse at the same frequency, a harmonization of their very existence. This allowed them to occupy smaller and smaller space, pressing up against each other until they nearly overlapped and then... did.
Aboard the Danfiant, Dan and the others could not see it, but they could feel as the sound, the broadcast of two different sources came together, at first louder than both but as they combined, it became completely unnoticeable again. Dan felt like his skin, hair and teeth were vibrating but it quickly subsided.
"I think it worked," Phoenix said.
Dan looked around. "So where are they?"
"Who are they?" Twilight asked.
Barro grinned. "Knock knock."
A cloud appeared in space. The light became a cloud and inside it, a figure appeared. Suddenly, something shot out of the cloud, but it wasn't the first figure.
"The fuck is that?" The object was small, very small and not perfectly round. It flew by Barro's cockpit, floating right passed him in space, tumbling end over end. "Is that a... football?" Barro turned back to the cloud in time for something else to appear out of it, something that was even stranger.
"What the heck? Is that a..." Barro squinted. He actually checked his display to see what the target was, to confirm what his eyes saw. It was confirmed. "You're joking."
Snoopy was a bit confused when he appeared in the debris field. He was puzzled because he was certain he'd been flying over France only moments ago and it now seemed to be night. A quick examination of his surroundings, however, revealed that he wasn't flying over France at all, any more. In fact, he seemed to be in space over... space. That fact became more evident when he tried to breath and he detected a distinct lack of oxygen.
"GAAALCK! GAAAAAAGGGH.... ERRRROOOOGG-" The black-and-white pooch grabbed his throat and gagged, collapsing on the back of his trusty doghouse-shaped Sopwith Camel. Fortunately, his copilot and navigator was quick to thinking; Woodstock retrieved a fish bowl from their storage and placed it over Snoopy's head after securing a smaller one for himself.
Snoopy smiled and gave his trusty sidekick a hearty "nice job!" gesture. He grabbed the controls of his 'plane' and leveled out.
Barro could not have been more disappointed. "Really, now? This is just sad. I mean, this is actually pathetic. Dan? Why don't you try again? Better yet- summon me a fish in a barrel. At least that would be obvious." He resumed firing on the Danfiant, blasting more holes into the battered ship.
Snoopy looked around, getting his bearings in the new environment and that's when he saw Barro's fighter. Although Barro's starfighter was no tri-winged plane, it was still painted red. And firing on a defenseless vessel, that could only mean one thing. Snoopy's eyes narrowed, he gritted his teeth and gunned his fighter at his old, timeless foe.
"AAA ka-chi chu wanna! Haaa!!" Snoopy blazed by Barro, gunning his arms like a machine gun.
The doghouse whizzed by him. "I'm not even going to ask how that thing can-" *ti-ti-ti-ting, ti-ti-ti-ting-ting!!* "What the fuck??!!" Barro's fighter shook as something pelted the hull, bypassing his shields completely. Alarms began to raise as the impacts pierced parts of the hull, cutting through even the armor.
One of the projectiles stuck to the edge of the hull near his cockpit. He squinted, staring at the tiny thing lodged in his hull.
"Pumpkin seeds?"
"HAAA GAAA BAA siii cho-waa!!" Snoopy shouted as he passed by Barro again, hitting him with another burst of rippling fire.
"AAAH!" Barro screamed. "I've been blitzed by a dog! Dog germs, get 'em off! Wait, why do I care? You son of a bitch!!" Barro fired at the tiny doghouse. His lasers singed the side of the doghouse, scorching a dark mark but missing the bulk of it.
Snoopy shook his balled-up paw at Barro.
"You want your Red Baron, I'll give it to ya, you little shit!" Barro hit his engines and gave chase. The duel was on. The debris field was testament to Barro's status as top gun. Now began the fight to see who was top dog.
The football continued tumbling, as if it had been kicked by someone, someone who may have been a quiet philosopher yet filled with a burning determination. And the football continued tumbling until it hit the moon's surface and bounced right off.
While the dogfight raged outside, Dan and company quickly sprang into action.
"We have to get to the moon quick while he's distracted," Dan said. He got himself up slowly, brushing dirt and dust off his shirt. A quick survey of the controls revealed most of them completely smashed, burnt, exploded in some ways. A few of them still had lights on but the navigation suite, sensors, internal monitors were all destroyed.
Dan walked over to the helm. "Where the hell did all these rocks come from?"
"Computer? Is anything working?" Phoenix asked. But the machines on the bridge were silent. (Guess that's our answer.) The lights on the bridge were all a pale red, making everything look like it was bathed in a crimson glow. The smoke dissipated as Khan put out the fires, but this only made the bridge smell like burning plastic and fire suppressant.
Rarity appeared through teleportation on the bridge. "Oh good! You're all okay." The white mare herself looked a little worse for wear, however. She was covered in ash and bruises, of course, the same could be said of Dan and the others.
"Are you and Colress alright? And Judgey? And the Gears?"
"We're all fine for the moment. We could use your help with the... well, I'm not sure what it is, exactly, but it's important. It's called a "warp core," I think."
Khan strode over to her. "What is wrong with the warp core?"
"Um, well," Rarity thought, "Colress says it's under a lot of stress. And that's very bad, he says."
"Yeah, doesn't really take a genius to figure out that the words "warp" "core" and "stress" used together like that usually mean something bad," Dan said. "Doesn't have the same inflection as saying "the ship's frozen yogurt dispenser is out of bowls."
"If this ship HAD a frozen yogurt machine, it's probably been shot or blown up some other way," Phoenix said. (Which kinda sucks. I like frozen yogurt.)
"Let's hurry, then," Twilight said. They were both about to teleport when someone said,
"I will go as well." And that someone was Khan. Knowing that his previous defeat in such a vessel had largely been the result of his inexperience and ignorance, Khan had spent several days reading and familiarizing himself with every aspect of the Danfiant. Ever since Shining and Cadence accidentally woke him up, Khan had spent his time learning as much as he could. Knowledge was where true power lay, and the augment-prince knew that.
Dan nodded. "Nicky, you go with them and help out."
"Uh, but, I'm not as good at fixing things as you are Khan. Wouldn't it be better if I stayed here on the bridge?"
"Nicky," Dan looked at him firmly, but with kindness. "Go with them. Help them all out."
Phoenix would've raised another objection, but the way Dan said it made him silent. Dan had subtle ways of doing just about everything.
"Alright," Phoenix said, getting up from the helm. He walked over to Twilight, Khan and Rarity and the four teleported.
Dan was alone on the bridge. He kicked aside the rocks and debris that had scattered themselves about the room when the ship had been damaged. A few of the consoles still had lights on, a few of the screens displayed information. Mostly incomplete information, and Dan didn't fully understand any of it anyway. He couldn't tell, but the internal and external sensors were compromised, and the consoles themselves had suffered severe electrical damage, making them all but useless.
He walked over to the helm station, clearing his throat from a slight bit of smoke. When he repaired the ship, he had learned all he could about the ship's construction, not how to operate it. He figured that part would've been easy but now, he was berating himself for thinking it would be as easy as hotwiring his own car, which he had done multiple times.
"Fancy spaceships, airships, lasers and tanks and trains... and I'd give it all up for my car," he said to himself. "And Mr. Mumbles. And my friends," he added. He lifted up the panel from the helm suite, the console of the ship that steers the vessel and controls speed and maneuvering. Basically, it was the ship's steering wheel, and if he knew anything about steering wheels, there was a way to access backup controls by connecting the right wires.
"Prrrrrrr..."
"What?" He looked up. His hands were still full of wires when a noise caught his ear.
"Prrrrr-prrrrr."
Dan looked around, and spotted the foodimal quickly. The ham foodimal was on one of the console on the other side of the bridge, the science station. It looked a him, innocently. Not caring nor having the time to care, he returned his attention to the helm controls.
"Prrrrrrr."
"Okay... I think I've got something..." Dan connected a new set of wires. The bridge lights turned on, as did the viewscreen.
"Come to Quark's! Quark's is fun! Come right now, don't walk- ru-*kssssssssssssssht*"
"Welcome to OnStar, sponsored by the fabulous Quark's! If you'd like to begin a free trial of-"
Dan disconnected the wires again. He decided that before he repaired anything, it was important to disable annoying advertisements. He didn't care if the bald guy had been helpful- if he had to listen to OnStar every time, it wasn't worth it. Not now, at least.
"Prrrrrr."
"I don't have any food. Go away," Dan said.
"Prrrrrr."
He ignored the purring ham creature. Maybe he could give it to Fluffle Puff as a gift later but for now, it was just a distraction. Two more foodimals crawled up to him and began tugging at his pant leg.
"Prrrr-prrrrr. Prrrr-prrr."
Dan looked down at them, no longer able to ignore the creatures. "Okay, I'm gonna get the bald guy back to teleport you guys out of-"
"Prrr-prrr-prrrrr."
Dan looked up. Over at the science console, several foodimals had gathered. They were hopping, scritching and pawing at the terminal. To no avail, of course- the science terminal's screen was dead. It had been one of the first to go, being so tied in with the ship's sensors and other monitors.
"What is with you guys? LEAVE ME ALONE!" But the little creatures kept tugging at him. The ice cream spider descended from the ceiling and latched itself on his head.
"Mrah!"
"AAAH!" Dan fell over. The foodimals caught him and began carrying him.
"GET OFF! GET OFF! NICKY, TWILIGHT COME BA-" but they dropped him right at the science station. They released him, and even encouraged them to get up. "You... want me to see something. Okay, fine. We're playing with food now."
The ham, hot dog and danish foodimal all pawed at the science console. No lights flickered on it. But it was at that moment that Dan realized the lights had never been on in the first place. The ship had been designed for a research project, one specific research project. There had been no need for additional sensors or scanners, not when the lab was already equipped with them.
Dan removed the top panel on the console. Underneath was another one, a more familiar one.
"Oh."
Was Equestria's magic somehow working through the foodimals? The adorable, innocent rubber creatures seemed to meander from time to time, but were they just waiting for a chance to help? How did they know about this? How could they have? The only answer seemed to be magic... but it was not the only answer.
Friendship is magic. Meaning magic never acts alone.
"What is done cannot be undone. But what is unmade can be remade."
A silvery console was underneath the first one. It popped up when Dan removed the panel above it. Self-powered, one of the foodimals pawed a button on the console. Dan switched it on.
A large cylinder ejected. Dan had seen this before.
Genesis-II Device Status: Standby
"Prrrr."
The foodimal nudged Dan's hand. Their paws were rubber; they didn't have enough force or strength to turn the primer. Only Dan did.
"Okay, I know, I know..." Dan looked around. What would Twilight think? Was this an act of love, or selfishness? Perhaps it was a mixture of both, of selfish and selflessness. Perhaps, like Genesis, something good could come out of selfishness. Not the greedy desire to profit, but the desire to see his friends happy. Once again, Dan thought of Mr. Mumbles.
"Prrrrr."
Dan gripped the first cylinder and turned it. He turned the dial, locking it into the sequence.
Status: Priming
The second one was tougher, but he managed. He gripped the cylinder with both hands and turned it until it clicked.
Power systems initialized. Protomatter matrix stable.
The third one was even tougher. The project was unfinished, clearly not meant for human hands to just manually prime the damn thing.
Deep within the heart of the ship, the Genesis-2 Device awakened. A torpedo-like object, it combined various forms of energy and matter together into a bomb, a bomb designed specifically to create life rather than destroy it. That was the dream, however; the device itself had never been used successfully. Even now, Dan's activation of the weapon would only be a test, a test that if successful, could, in theory, revitalize Equestria.
If the previous Genesis Device had created a planet from a nebula, it was possible that this new one could create a new planet from the debris field. They would not have to search the stars for a new home, but rather, the old Equestria would be made new again. Reborn, life from lifelessness.
"There's still time. They'll last a bit longer, but they will need your strength. Your hope."
The last cylinder was the toughest. Smaller but immeasurably harder to turn.
"Prrrrr! Prrrrr!"
Dan gripped it with both hands. "I.... I can't! It's too hard!"
In engineering, Twilight was using her magic to patch the warp core's coolant pipes.
"That should about do it, Twilight. Twilight?" Colress looked over his shoulder. She was stopped in midair.
"I... something's happening."
"I feel it, too," Rarity said. But none of them knew what it was. Phoenix looked around and saw that someone had left engineering.
Dan braced himself against the console. Using both his legs, he pushed his entire body against the metal rod, gripping it so hard his teeth nearly cracked.
"Prrrr! Prrr!"
"Almost... almost..."
"Prrrrrr! Prrrr-prrrr!"
The foodimals gripped the bar themselves and pulled in the opposite direction. Whether from Dan alone or with help, the final rod clicked. Dan collapsed, fell to the ground, quickly sprang up and grabbed the dial.
"And we did this... without... OnStar." He switched the dial, the primer inserted.
COMMIT Device Primed. Detonation in: 999
"There we go. Good job, little guys. I just might keep you. Some of you. Maybe. Now get lost."
Dan walked back over to the weapons console. Fortunately, that part of the ship he did no how to rewire. Not that he needed to; the weapons console was actually one of the ones still working. A random bit of good luck with the ship's weapons being intact, though that had been thanks to Gust unlocking them when he had control of the ship.
The tactical display, which operated on a separate buffer, appeared on the viewscreen. The debris field of Equestria- the parts of the planet were still within range. With the targeting computer, he could fire the Genesis Device right at it.
"Who's ready to see a new Equestria? Bet ya didn't think it was going to be me to bring about Generation 5, did you all? Eh?" Dan asked the foodimals. They stared blankly, yet innocently ahead.
"Prrrrr."
"What do you think? Should I wait for Twilight and the others?"
"Prrrrr."
Dan nodded. "Yeah, probably not a good idea. Alrighty, let's make us a new planet!" He gripped the firing console and pulled the trigger.
"Warning: Photon control is offline. Manual operation required. Please contact a repair technician. Your OnStar account has been billed."
"DAAAAAAMMMIT!" Dan smashed the console with his balled-up fists. "It's always the same bullshit with these spaceships!! When something goes wrong, it ALWAYS has to be manually operated. Why don't they make TWO backups?? WHY??!!"
"Prrrrr!"
The door to the bridge opened. The foodimals had made a line, one leading all the way to the turbolift.
"There is still time. Hurry."
Dan bolted out of the bridge. The Genesis-2 Device would detonate in 3 minutes. The foodimals, meanwhile, ate the rocks that had been left on the bridge.
"Uh... Barro?" Michael's voice crackled through the radio of Barro's fighter.
"Shut up, Michael," Barro said through gritted teeth. The pilot was not interested in whatever his friend had to say as he chased his target. The doghouse weaved and swerved like it was attached to some sort of invisible rail, obeying a set of physics unique to only it.
"A-ga chee-choo waaa!" Snoopy cursed the Red Baron, or rather, the Red Barro, shaking his balled paw at him. Neither pilot seemed to be able to hit one another. Barro's ship had speed and power but Snoopy's trusty Sopwith Camel(doghouse) had maneuverability and handling. He fired the 'machine guns' on his plane back at his attacker as Barro pursued him before pulling into a long bank.
Barro matched speed with the dog. Anger was written into the pony's face as he gripped the controls of his high-tech ship. A comic strip character was insulting him, an insult he was about to pay back. He lined up a shot and fired, watched as his bolts went right past the doghouse. His target was so small it was in the blindspot between his ship's cannons!
"Not... not fucking possible!" Barro yelled. He fired again, twin bolts of amplified heat and light, powerful enough to burn through triple-reinforced durasteel ship hull, quadranium, at that close range even cortosis, adamantium and phrik, certainly enouh to burn through a crappy wooden doghouse! And the lasers just whizzed right past it, not even singeing the target.
Snoopy stuck out his tongue and waggled it at Barro. "Hee-hee haw haw haw!"
"Hmmm-hmm-hmm-hmm," Barro laughed very passive-aggressively, laughter that made Michael worry for his friend's mental stability. But we were loooooong passed that. "Okay ya little shit, let's see you dodge this." Barro unlocked the safeties on his torpedo launchers. Although he preferred using his laser cannons and rail gun, his fighter was also armed with a complement of proton torpedoes.
The crosshairs in Barro's HUD changed from a circle-target to a yellow diamond. Was it a bit dishonorable to launch hit-seeking warheads at a dog flying a doghouse? Was it shameful to deny your opponent the ability to fight back, remove every ability they had to defend themselves, rob them of a fair fight? In this instance, Barro didn't care. He tracked the guidance diamond over his target and waited for a target lock.
But before Barro could fire, Snoopy rolled his Sopwith Camel onto its belly, braked hard and yanked up on the throttle. The effect of this put him in the opposite direction while Barro flew above and past him. Gritting his own teeth, Snoopy raised his machine guns and fired.
"Aaaagh!" Barro's fighter shuddered as more pumpkin seeds pelted its underside. Did this mean Snoopy killed the Great Pumpkin? Either way, Linus is probably going to be pissed. "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!!" Speaking of pissed, Barro was raging. Alarm klaxons blared in his cockpit; the tiny seeds passed through his fighter's shields with ease and cut through the hull with their speed.
In space, even the tiniest projectiles were extremely dangerous. Maybe not QUITE this way, being produced magically and fired by a canine's imaginary quad cannons, but still dangerous.
"Barro..." Michael's voice crackled through the intercom over the alarms.
"Not now, Michael!" Barro gunned his fighter again, pulling into a turn so tight it grinded the thrusters against the hull, causing the metal to creak and whine.
"It's important, Barro."
"WHAT is IT?!?!" Finally, Barro checked his sensors and discovered exactly what Michael was talking about. "Oh. Oh shit. The sensors showed only three active sources: Barro's fighter, Snoop's doghouse(because of the radio) and the Danfiant. A massive amount of energy was being generated by the Danfiant and it was growing.
Even now, invisible surges of radiation were pulsing out of the crippled Danfiant. The Genesis-2 device was mere minutes away from detonation. Inside the torpedo, the protomatter was being converted into energy, a massive amount of pre-energy that would become the Genesis Wave. Once released, everything it touched would be collapsed, deconstructed by the proto-particles and rebuilt by the residual energy into a life-giving matrix. In essence, it was a "big bang" event on a smaller scale.
Water, air, gravity, atomic mass and density, so many different physical and natural components were programmed into the Genesis Device. When it detonated, it would not just create life but also instantaneously create and stabilize the conditions for said life to continue. It would use whatever was nearby... including what was left of Equestria. And anything else caught in the blast.
"You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch!!" Barro yelled. He switched his comm systems over and hailed the Danfiant. "Dan! What the hell are you doing?! That bomb will take out more than just Equestria- at this distance, the moon is in range!!"
Only silence answered Barro.
"Dan?! DAN!!" He pulled his starfighter in the opposite direction, back to Dan's ship. "I can't let you do this. No... you're not getting away with this!"
But Snoopy was right behind him. He fired another stream of pumpkin seeds at Barro, but the broadcaster was quicker this time.
"RRRRgggh, you little bastard. That's it!" He pulled up tight, cut his engines and charged his guns. The crosshair went red and he fired.
Snoopy was surprised by the maneuver, to say the least. He watched as Barro flew up, suddenly spun around, came right at him and fired. He closed his eyes, blinded by the red lasers as they came right at him and fired another volley as Barro flew by, firing blind.
When Snoopy opened his eyes again, he quickly examined himself to make sure he wasn't hit. Thankfully, he seemed to be in one piece. When he looked under the roof of his doghouse, he was shocked to see that the rest of his doghouse was gone. He was now flying just a roof; the engines had been in the actual house part.
As had Woodstock, but thankfully, the yellow bird popped his head up. Snoopy breathed a sigh of relief and hugged his friend and copilot. Unfortunately, they had been gotten.
"HahahaHA!" Barro laughed. "Finally... greatest dogfighter, ha! To think some mutt thought he could stand a chance against me. I have to laugh. What kind of joke they were trying to pull." Barro looked out the cockpit, grinning, chancing one last glance at his foe. And he saw that his wings had been shot off.
"Wait... oh no." He pulled at the controls, but there was no response. Without the wings, he had nothing to guide his thrusters with. "No no no no no no no NOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" Engines firing, Barro spun out of control, off into the distance. Snoopy chuckled and gave the Red Barro a mocking salute. An excellent match as always, this one ended in a draw. As long as Snoopy had Woodstock and at least part of his doghouse, he was perfectly fine with that.
Wrath: And That's How Flurry Heart Was Conceived In This Universe
Dan sprinted out of the turbolift when it got to the proper deck. The lights in this section of the ship were still glowing red, flickering in some spots. The damage to the ship was widespread; ruptured power conduits, blown-out lighting fixtures and electronic panels. Everything in the ship was intricately tied together, like organs in a body. The ship was ailing, but still had life in it. Like Dan, however, it was getting exhausted.
At that moment, Dan was feeling a bit more exhausted. He braced himself against a bulkhead and said,
"We... we have... advanced technology. Magic. Two... or like, five different kinds of teleportation," he steadied himself. "AND I STILL END UP RUNNING EVERYWHERE!!!" He punched the wall of the ship. His fist hurt.
The foodimals skittered past him while he caught his breath. A few of them stopped, looked up at him with their tiny, innocent little eyes.
"Prrrrr."
"I know, I know. I'm going." Time was precious. In less than four minutes, the Genesis Device would detonate, wherever it was. Dan and crew had to launch the torpedo and get the ship outside of the blast radius before that happened. Which, was another problem in and of itself, considering the ship's engines had been destroyed and there was barely enough power for life support. But Dan only dealt with one problem at a time, as was his policy.
The interior structure of the Danfiant, the framework which held the ship's hull, components and compartments together, was still mostly intact even if the ship had about a dozen holes in it courtesy of Barro. From the outside, the ship resembled a burnt piece of metal, like a warped soda poptop lid that someone stabbed repeatedly with a soldering gun. It was lucky enough Dan hadn't run into any rooms where the hull had breached.
"AAAahhh!" And then he did. Opening the door to the transporter and cargo access revealed that the access hall was gone. Technically, pieces of it were scattered over several kilometers to the ship's keel. At that moment, however, nothing was in front of Dan, and he very nearly stepped into the void of space.
"JEEZUS GAWD," Dan pushed himself away from the doorway. There was no vacuum thanks to Starfleet engineering's atmospheric containment fields, part of the life support systems that also kept the gravity and air flowing, but it was still dangerous. Dan very well could have stepped through the hole in the ship and found himself helplessly floating in space, no air or gravity to speak of.
He pulled the two doors closed. Grabbing his chest, he steadied himself for a moment. A heart attack was not something he needed. Fingers shaking a tad, he pointed at one of the foodimals.
"You."
"Prrrrr."
He pointed back at the door. "Go get tape. Cordon this hall off, all of it."
The foodimal stared back at him blankly. "Prrrrr."
"I don't know where you're supposed to find tape! This is a spaceship. They probably have tape somewhere. Go get it done."
"Prrrrr." The foodimal waddled away. Which foodimal it was and whether or not it actually obeyed Dan, or even understood him, I'll leave up to you. Dan apparently spoke fluent adorablese(adorable-ease), which allowed him to comprehend the vast and cute purrs and raspberries of cute critters like Fluffle Puff, Mr. Mumbles and others like the foodimals. Adorablese was taught as an elective at San Garry's Mod's very own Junior State Junior College for Juniors. Dan had not attended there(he attended Adam's College in California) but he did frequently steal their textbooks. Overpriced pieces of garbage that they were.
Dan climbed up one of the Jeffries Tubes into a maintenance shaft to bypass the damaged hall. He had to crawl, but he made it through to the other side, and eventually to the torpedo room.
The foodimals weren't nearby, but he didn't care. Hopefully they were doing something else productive, like staying out of his way. The doors opened and he was greeted with... nothing.
"Oh, what gives?! Why does NOTHING work on this ship that's supposed to?!" Dan exclaimed. The Genesis Torpedo was not in the torpedo room. Neither was the roof of the torpedo room, which was exposed to space. The launchers and several photon torpedoes, however, were intact and ready to fire. Unfortunately, Genesis was not among them, which was clear by the lack of a bomb that was about to detonate.
Dan was about to frustratedly beat up something else when a foodimal tugged at his pant leg. "Prrrr! Prrrr!"
"What? You know where it is?"
The tiny foodimal nodded. "Prrrrr." Looking down, Dan saw a trail of foodimals leading out of the room and down the hall. He didn't hesitate- he ran after them.
The trail thankfully ended close by, right at the crew quarters. Specifically, the captain's quarters. The doors opened automatically, the crew quarters being closely supported by life support, and there was the Genesis Device.
On the bed. A king-sized bed. That clearly had been slept in recently.
"FINALLY!" Dan exclaimed. Relieved, he stepped forward and the toe of his shoe hit something. He looked down to see a Federation phaser pistol on the floor. Along with a Starfleet officer's uniform, just the shirt. Looking around the room, Dan noticed several clothing items tossed about. And his nose definitely detected the scent of scented candles. Finally, he remembered exactly who he left in charge of the ship to repair it after he shot it down.
"Shining and Cadence," Dan said. He looked at the glowing Genesis Device propped up in the bed. "OH MAI GAWD."
"Prrrr."
"LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY, INNOCENT CREATURES OF PLASTIC!!" Dan yelled. "Horrible, horrible things have happened here!"
Trembling, his hands reached down to pick up the fallen shirt. "Damn it... that's right. They're both NERDS in this story! And they've been canoodling in MY SHIP!" He pointed at the torpedo. "THEY'VE BEEN CANOODLING ON TOP OF MY BOMB!!!"
"Prrrrr."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" Dan screamed and ran out of the room. He ran several times, back up and down the corridors, strangely abhorred at the thought of romantic intimacy between a married couple, a nerdy married couple, aboard his vessel happening without his knowledge. As opposed to what he and Chrys have been up to since like Episode 14, but hey, Dan is in fact a bit of a hypocrite.
After about the third time, Dan remembered he didn't have time for this. "Okay, foodimals? I need you all to do Dan a favor."
The foodimals were silent.
He smiled at them, a collection of foodimals assembled in front of him. "Hi pals. Okay, see, Uncle Dan needs a favor. He needs all of YOU to carry the torpedo in the... the bed back to the torpedo room for him so that he doesn't have to touch or think about geeks having sex on his bomb. Okay?"
Again, the foodimals were silent. Not a prrrr was heard from them, which was their way of saying, "Yeah, nah dude."
Dan frowned. "Fine. But! I'm using at least four of you as gloves!!" Dan reached down and grabbed the nearest foodimals. They squirmed, but offered no objection.
Dan pulled the device through the door and back down the hallway. Now, for better or worse, he knew how Flurry Heart had been conceived. Even though she was not born yet(in this story). Either way, Shining Armor and Princess Cadence had just made Dan's list.
The edge of the Genesis Device slowly inched its way through the maintenance tube. The torpedo was heavy, and Dan was pushing it all the way while also trying not to touch it directly. Unfortunately, that part of his task proved too difficult to manage, and so he'd given up and was now just pushing the unstable protomatter bomb along its way through the ship.
He pushed it down the corridor. The foodimals were all running past him. To what end or how they might be trying to help him, he did not know. He kept pushing until,
"Prrrrrr!!" A group of foodimals formed a pile and stopped him. "Prrrrr! Prrrrrr!" they all prrrd.
Dan looked at them. He realized what they were trying to tell him. "I don't have time to get it to the torpedo bay, do I?"
The foodimals shook their heads, adorably. He looked around and saw what he needed: an airlock. Dan shoved the torpedo into the airlock and then went to the outer door controls. The lights on the display told him they were still functioning, a good sign.
"Finally, some luck."
*Kzzzzrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtt!* A red beam of light shot from the side, collided with the airlock controls and exploded. Dan turned away at the last second, shielding himself from the shower of sparks and flames. When he opened his eyes, the control panel was nothing more than a smoldering black gash in the wall. Not but a few meters away was the source of the destruction: Khan holding a phaser.
"WHY? WHY DOES EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING HAVE TO BETRAY ME!! WHY??" Dan punched the wall panel on the opposite side, which turned out to be the auxiliary airlock controls. His fist went right through them, breaking it to pieces. "DAMN IT!"
"Step away from the controls, please."
"You're an idiot. You realize that, right?" Dan said. "Now there's no way to jettison the damn thing and it's about to go off."
"Oh, but there is," Khan said. He tossed a communicator at Dan. He didn't bother catching it, but Khan continued, "Pick up the communicator, call Twilight Sparkle and have her teleport the device to Ceti Alpha Five."
Dan did not reach for the communictor. "She doesn't know where that is."
"Time is a luxury we don't have," Khan said. "She can use magic to summon things, yes? Have her summon the planet here. Now."
The pair exchanged glares. The taller, long-haired man was stronger and more knowledgeable than Dan. There was no way he could take him in a fight. Not only that, they only had scant moments before the Genesis Device went off. Still, Dan was not one to negotiate.
"And how are WE going to survive the blast, hmm? We're not all going to be able to fit in the torpedo casing this time, even if we stack on top of each other."
Again, Khan just smiled. "Fortunately, we don't all have to. I'll make this simple: pick up the communicator now, or I'll shoot you."
Finally, Dan reached down for the communicator. One of his classic feints; he lunged at Khan instead. Instead of Khan firing or colliding with the augment, he simply stopped short of his tackling him. Dan knew what had happened right away.
Khan was indeed very smart, very strong and in many ways, superior to the average human. Dan, being shorter than average, was stopped by the taller human's hand. Despite this, Dan swung in futility at his opponent while Khan held him at arm's length with a single hand.
"Tenacity has gotten you very far, Dan."
"ARRGAARRAAA BOMB ARRRGGARRRAAA AAARAA!"
Dan's head in one hand and a phaser in the other, Khan pressed the barrel of the pistol against Dan's forehead. "You were a worthy opponent, Dan. More than many could say. But in the end... as expected... you were no match for the superior-"
*Kzzzzzrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!* Khan dropped his phaser. Another *Kzzzzrrrttt!* phaser blast struck him in the back and he dropped.
Dan looked down at Khan, then looked up at whoever had saved him. Even though he wasn't expecting to be saved, the person who had saved him was very unexpected to say the least.
The new arrival ran to Khan's side.
"Hey," Dan started, "Aren't you-"
"There's no time. You've gotta get that bomb out of here."
"OH yeah, that."
The man quickly checked Khan's pulse, took the fallen augment's phaser and placed on his own belt. "I'm sorry you had to be involved. Great job, though."
"Thanks. Could you uh, gimme a hand with-"
"Right." The new stranger pulled the airlock's outer doors open for Dan and helped him get the torpedo into position. It was glowing brightly, only seconds left.
"I'm sorry I can't do more. I'm not even supposed to be here. And neither is he," the stranger said. The man pulled out his own communicator.
"So I'm not supposed to tell anybody you showed up?"
The man quirked a slight grin. "That would help. But you can keep all of this stuff you've found either way. You probably need it more than we do, and Starfleet's already picked up the rest of the... Danfiant's original crew."
"Thanks... I think," Dan said. He also thought to himself, shouldn't the bomb have exploded by now?
"Anyway, good luck." He raised up his communicator. "Kirk to Enterprise, two to beam out." Both he and Khan were enveloped in shimmering light and then, they disappeared.
There's a reason that friendship is magic. It's the foundation of a benevolent relationship. It incorporates the elements of harmony, it went even beyond magic itself, beyond simple principles. Friendship was a uniting factor, a step towards coming together, and that is what allowed it to work the impossible. Life itself was made up of such unity. Every living being, no matter who they were, where they came from or how far they had come, they were all united by that same common factor. Friendship held the universe together.
Dan stepped back from the doors. Reaching for the controls, whatever smile he had on his face faded when he realized they were broken.
"HEY! HEY, COME BACK! The doors- they're still broken!" Dan pulled open the outer doors again, looking around for something, for anything that could fix them. But the auxiliary controls were destroyed, too.
"DAMMIT!!" Dan punched the wall. "OW!" The room was beginning to fill with the Genesis Device's super-cooled vapor. Mist covered the floor, part of it hot steam and other parts of it cold smoke, a testament to the device's complexity that it could produce two different reactions at the same time, hot and cold fusion.
"Prrrrrr." The foodimals were assembled behind him, all of them from the look of it. Even the ice cream cone spider hung down.
Looking at their tiny, innocent faces, Dan knew what he had to do.
"Oh, I'm gonna hate myself for doing this." Dan picked up the torpedo, took a step back into the hall and then ran against the door. He could've said something profound, could've said anything. In a way, he did.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" And then he smashed the torpedo against the door. It crunched against the airlock's doors but did not pierce them. Thankfully, the torpedo itself didn't detonate but Dan spilled the last of the pink potion he'd gotten on it. Drops of protomagic hit the machine.
"I can't... I can't get the doors open," Dan said. Then one of the foodimals said,
"Prrrrr." And pointed to a release lever above him.
"Oh. Thanks." Dan gripped the lever and closed his eyes. "Tell everybody I... I did this for them."
"Prrrrr."
"They know already. But tell 'em again." Dan pulled the lever. The doors exploded outward. In an instant, the entire deck was filled with vacuum and depressurized. The lever broke off in Dan's hand and he and the foodimals were blown out into space.
Space was indeed very cold. It would've made his eyes water if he didn't feel like he was going to freeze. What little oxygen he had, he was desperate to hold in despite the pull of the void. The ice cream cone spider foodimal had attempted to wrap a candy umbilical cord around him before he pulled the lever but it had snapped. Candy wasn't very durable, unfortunately but Dan appreciated the effort.
Once again, Dan felt like he was going to die. He didn't know how many times this had been but he hadn't really been counting. A million things were on his mind in his last few moments of life.
He watched as the Genesis Device tumbled through space. Remarkably, it was heading straight for the center of the debris cloud that was Equestria. The planet's gravity well remained for just a bit longer, for just long enough. Dan did not blink as he watched the glowing bomb enter the center of the field and explode.
The explosion of the Genesis Device was simple. Just a regular bomb blast, really, but one that carried with it a wave of raw and other-worldly energy. It expanded outward, overlapping the chunks of dead rock that had been the planet Equestria, changing them and pulling them in. Somewhere, high above it all, Dan watched and thought of Twilight and Chrys and Fluffle Puff and the others.
Second chances are never a given. Sometimes you get one when you need one, sometimes you don't. And you have to live with the result either way. At times, you can get a second chance even if you don't really deserve it. Dan never really thought he deserved a second chance when he was somehow transported to Equestria, saved from death.
But he proved he deserved it. Because he gave it back.
Dan could no longer hold his breath. He exhaled... and suddenly found that he could breath. He looked around him and he realized the universe had turned purple somehow. And he knew what that meant.
Twilight pulled him closer to her. Both she and Dan were enveloped in her magic, safe.
"I... I really should... expect you to save me. After all this time."
Twilight smiled. "No, you shouldn't."
Dan nodded, smiling and exhausted. "Yeah, you're right." She teleported them both back onto the ship, back to the bridge. Along with the foodimals because yeah, we can't leave them behind.
Phoenix and the others were on the bridge when they materialized.
"Dan!"
"Yes, me. Also Twilight."
"What happened to you both?" Phoenix asked. "Where's Khan?"
Dan steadied himself on a console. "Khan's gone, Nicky. He was using us... using us the whole time."
"Yeah, kinda figured that," Phoenix said. (Didn't need the magatama to see that coming.)
"That's nice, Nicky, that's really nice. The NEXT TIME you have a sneaky suspicion someone is going to try to murder us all for their benefit, can you PLEASE let me know?"
Phoenix rubbed his neck as he usually does. "Sure, but, that's pretty normal for us."
"Yeah," Twilight, Colress, the Doctor, Judge Judgey and Rarity all agreed. As did the Magic Gears.
Dan slumped into the captain's chair. "So, did it work? Is Equestria fixed now? Also, where's the bald dude?"
"I don't know about Equestria," Colress said, "but according to the sensors, something else is incoming."
Remembering back to who he saw in the hallway with Khan, Dan assumed, "Oh, great. Well, it's probably just some friends showing up."
Colress looked up at Dan. "I don't think so."
Another ship entered the system. They weren't very friendly.
A perfect defense for Equestria. That was the one true unifying factor between Dan and the humans. Even Tuxley and Reginald, from Chris and Cap to Dan and Phoenix, Applejack to Zen Zeal, they were all defenders of the faith, the harmony, and friendship. The things that mattered most, both person and belief, truth and ideal together as one. Princess Luna had gotten her wish. Now, Equestria had the means to defend itself against any nightmare.
Nowhere else was it more evident than on Equestria itself, rapidly being reborn through the unification of magic and technology, of hope refined through blood, sweat and tears into reality. Molten minerals fused together. Ice boiled into water vapor and flash froze, back into ice again. The glowing mass of matter, magic and energy swirled in the night, burning with a brightness that rivaled the sun at such a close distance.
The debris cloud had disappeared. The Genesis Device had finally worked. And now, a dark vector, a cloud of sorts appeared over it made of steel.
"Well, who could it possibly be? What could possibly be worse than what we've already been through?"
A large ship jumped into the system. It appeared on the bridge monitor in front of all of them, a ship so massive and large and iconic that it absorbed the whole viewscreen. Although none of them had ever seen a real one, they recognized it from the moment they saw it, remembering it from drawings they'd seen earlier, very specific ones. They all knew what it was, and that knowledge caused all their hearts to sink.
"Well," Dan said. "Shit."
An Imperial Star Destroyer appeared above them. A massive, grey, triangular warship, bristling with guns and firepower, the crackling viewscreen focused on an image of the ship. It cut through space, blocking out all light with its mass, as if hope was something tangible than this dagger of a vessel could rend and take away.
They watched as it came towards them. "Well... Dan?" Twilight asked, "What do we do?"
Dan shook his head. "I got nothing." Silently, they all came together in a hug.
The Star Destroyer flew over them. Darkness enveloped the Danfiant as the ship's shadow came down over it. Helpless, the Danfiant was pulled into the belly of the larger vessel via tractor beam, an invisible grip that towed the smaller ship into the Destroyer's own main hangar bay.
Upon being ushered out into the hangar, Dan found that none of the awaiting stormtroopers were there to arrest him. He'd fully expected the usual dressing down by a military force; he was used to being captured at this point. Enclave, Vice Grip's forces, the Mirror ponies, all had taken him prisoner before. Why would the Galactic Empire be any different?
But they were different.
The stormtroopers stared at Dan. Imperial officers, crewmen, even droids and technicians and everything you'd expect to find on an Imperial starship, not in the way you'd expect to find it. None of them raised a gun in his direction. As Dan stepped out into the hangar, he saw only bewildered faces.
"What are they all... looking at?" Twilight asked. And behind them, was her answer: they were staring at Equestria.
One of the stormtroopers had his helmet off. A young man, short hair clean shaven.
"That's it," Dan pointed at him. "That's how I looked when I first saw Equestria."
"They're all staring at it," Phoenix said. He turned around as well. "At Equestria."
Dan turned around. Twilight and the others, after getting clear of their own ship, looked towards Equestria. Out of the main hangar bay, below the ship, the planet dominated the vista. Not a single soldier, human or otherwise, made a single sound. They all bore witness and were enraptured by the greatest magic act to ever take place, the act of creation.
Clouds covered Equestria but quickly were beginning to part. Rain and lightning cascaded down. The surface of the planet boiled and churned and finally began to take shape, the shape of their world. The shape of home. Pillars of rock became mountains topped with ice, the ice melted in the heat of the sun, water ran down and across the landscape until it finally became the rivers that fed the lakes. Trees appeared, then forests, then fertile plains of grass.
More than just the land took shape. The magic of Equestria, reborn, gave second life to its purpose: Ponyville. Canterlot, Cloudsdale, Ponyville, Manehattan, Phillydelphia, Pittsbuck, Palomino Bay, from orchards of Sweet Apple Acres to the zen temples of Zebropolis, Equestria was rebuilt. Every barn and building restored, every railway spike and every rail stretching from the Crystal Empire to Saddle Arabia returned exactly where it had been before.
"Dan," Twilight said, tears streaming down her cheeks, Rarity beside her. "How did you do this?"
Dan's mouth was slightly agape. He shrugged. "I had help."
"You did," Phoenix said. "But you did this more than anyone else. We all know that." He put his hand on the smaller man's shoulder. Twilight did the same.
It was a very touching moment, the kind of thing that happens when you witness a miracle. All the questions, the whys and hows and all else melt away in awe of the now. In a matter of heartbeats, Equestria's own heart began to beat again. Wind licked the landscape, rustling the newly-green trees. Flowers began to bloom, taking on the stages in life where they had left off. Beasts and creatures of all sizes stretched and yawned as if waking from a long slumber, ready to began the new day.
Dan regained his usual composure. "Yeah, it's impressive," he admitted. "But what's surprising is why I keep doing this stuff for free." Twilight elbowed him in the gut, prompting him to shut his trap. He went back to holding her, Phoenix and Rarity.
The commander of the Imperial vessel approached them from behind. They turned to meet him as soon as he arrived, flanked by a pair of awe-struck officers who were having trouble standing at full attention. The commander himself could not fully conceal surprise from his face, in spite of his own notability.
The commander, a blue-skinned alien in a white uniform mouthed a word first, then said, "The planet will reach equilibrium in approximately ninety seconds. You have... created a habitable, sustainable world from... nothing."
"Not nothing," Dan corrected him. "Just bits, pieces and random junk."
The man held Dan's gaze. "How?"
Again, Dan shrugged. "We found a way. Together," he said, holding Twilight and Phoenix tightly to his sides. "Beyond that, I can't really say. So what the hell do you want? You hear to invade us? I'll end you in ways you can't even imagine. You want to work with me, we can do business, maybe I'll give you a copy of the data on my ship for the effort. Whaddaya say?"
The blue man took a breath. "The Empire respects power. True power. And we've been watching you, I think you've realized that."
"I've noticed. Got a couple of your marshmallow dorks on my team."
"Indeed. The ability to reconstitute an entire planet... is unparalleled." On either side of them, the assembled stormtroopers and Imperials were all still watching Equestria. It was a beautiful world on its own, set aside the fact it had just regenerated. It represented a lot of things to a lot of different people. To the Empire, it had originally been a target, now was something else all together. To Dan and friends, it was home.
"It's not finished. WE are not finished," Twilight said, a profound statement as ever. "We have to get our friends back. We have to go back."
"Without the ponies, that planet will tear itself apart again," Phoenix explained. He put his hands on his hips. "So you can either help us... or get lost. Your choice. But if you get in our way, then even a miracle won't save you from our wrath." (I am sweating so much right now.)
"Damn, Nicky," Dan said.
"Was that too much?"
"Lil bit. We'll work on it."
"That won't be necessary," the commander said. "We will gladly provide you assistance in exchange for information on how you performed said 'miracle.' Follow me to the bridge."
"Alright, coolio. I'm Dan, by the way. This is-"
"We know," the alien said.
"Alright fam, let's follow Pajama Sam here. Colress! Judge! Doctor! Get out here."
The alien spun around again. "My name is Mitth'raw'nuruodo. You may call me Thrawn. Welcome aboard the Chimaera."
Behind them, the Imperials replaced their helmets, regained their discipline and went back to their duties. For all it was, the act of creation was still an act, and the next one followed as the show went on. With Dan and company now allied with the Empire, the third arc of this show began its final act.
The Danfiant was not the only ship that the Chimaera picked up that day. Barro's fighter, along with Barro, were also found and brought aboard. Snoopy and Woodstock, however, seemed to have ventured elsewhere.
"Is this guy with you?" was all the stormtroopers asked. Barro was held between them, his hooves cuffed. He smiled at Dan and the others.
Dan sighed, then reluctantly said, "Yeah, he's with us."
On the bridge of the Chimaera, activity was constant. Crewmen were talking, even arguing in the pits below the command walkway while the commanding officers, Thrawn included, monitored everything. The officers had to have their attention in multiple places at once and even then, Thrawn took note of the pony being brought aboard his ship.
"This one is responsible for quite a lot of destruction. Particularly against the Empire," Thrawn said.
Barro looked up at the Chiss and grinned. "I aim to please. And I shoot to kill."
"Quite," Thrawn smiled back.
"Tell me, grand admiral, did Prefsbelt IV's academy ever recover from my... unscheduled visit?"
Thrawn's smile faded. "Still a large collection of craters. Testament to your wanton destruction."
As did Barro's. "Like Taris. Like Alderaan, and Vo-"
"Oh, will you two queens shut the hell up?" Dan demanded. He stepped between them. "I really don't care what the two of you have been doing with one another for the past umpteen years. However many times you strutting, posturing pompous children have traded blows, or who has the biggest dick-shaped spaceship. You will both STOW IT and SHUT THE FUCK UP while we work on rescuing my friends."
Barro, a white pony, Thrawn, a dark-blue alien. And Dan between them. Twilight watched and imagined them as herself, Celestia and Luna. The conflict between two and her in between, now Dan, being the bridge to harmony. The very, obnoxiously loud bridge to harmony.
Apart from the occasional murmur, the bridge had been silenced by Dan's outburst. "That's better," Dan said.
"We're already on a course for the planet's moon."
"The planet is called Equestria," Dan said, interjecting.
"Yes, Equestria," Thrawn said, slight way of correcting himself. Whether or not he was actually letting Dan lead or not, no one could tell. "At present, we'll be within range in a matter of minutes."
"Minutes?" Dan asked.
"Approximately two minutes at our current speed. We were underway the moment you-"
Dan shook his head. "Pull us back. We need more time to prepare, to plan and-"
"The element of surprise has served us well. The exit out of this world's gravity well puts us on a course for the moon. Believe me, I know what I'm doing."
"Yeah, I know what you're doing, too- you're going to get us all killed. We-"
"Admiral! We're approaching sensor range," one of the crewman said.
They crowded around the edge of the walkway. Unlike the bridge of the Danfiant, a Starfleet ship, the Imperial vessels had various monitoring screens in the two 'valleys' separated by the command walkway of the bridge. Dan had to squint but he could clearly make out the moon on one of the displays.
One of the three gray-shirted Imperials turned around and looked back up at them and Thrawn. "The remains of the debris field are causing interference with our long-range scanners and communication," he explained. "We've picked up multiple signals and power readings but can't determine their source."
Thrawn drew a cloth from his pocket and dabbed his neck with it. Dan noticed this out of the corner of his eye. The bridge was cold and dry, as was every other room of the Star Destroyer. Yet Thrawn was sweating.
Dan turned to Barro. He wasn't officially part of the group yet, but Dan was willing to change that. He was standing looking at the display with all of them, so he was willing to accept that the asshole was on their side, for the moment at least.
"Barro?"
"Dan."
Dan pinched his eyes. "Don't... don't do that."
"Do what? Say your name?"
"Shut the hell up again. Look," Dan steered him out of the group, "You've been around Vice Grip the most recently. What are his defenses? Where's that other guy that's normally with you? Mitchell?"
"Michael. He's- well, Vice has him-"
"Alright, I get it," Dan got eye-level with the pony. "Defenses. What does Vice have? Pony Death Star, or something? Magic Space Gear? Is that a thing?"
Barro shook his head. "Uh, no, not that I'm aware of. I was trapped in my fighter the whole time; he didn't talk to me. He told me shoot you or the things he'd do to Michael would-"
Dan gritted his teeth. "I get the idea. So you know NOTHING"
"Well, we both know him- he'll have something waiting for you. Us. And I don't think we should just be rushing towards him like this."
Dan nodded. "We're both in agreement there."
"What is it?" Thrawn asked, having turned to them.
"Oh, you know, the usual. Probably running headlong into a trap. I mean, that's the usual for us. Probably not for you, I'm guessing. So what's up, blue?"
"30 seconds!"
That was when Twilight saw something no one else did. "Wait... is that..."
Dan, Thrawn and Barro spun on their heels to see the display. Dan opted for a closer look. The surface of the moon was coming into focus now. Squinting, Dan was starting to make out what Twilight was talking about. Then he fell into the pit.
"Wait a min- AAAH-" But Twilight caught him and set him up again. "Thank you."
"What is it, Dan?" Phoenix asked.
The screen came into full focus before he could answer. The picture appeared on the monitor, clear as day. A picture of home.
Thrawn looked puzzled, dabbed his neck again. "Is that a... treehouse?"
"It is. That's my... that's our home," Twilight said grimly.
"Oh dear," was Rarity's only comment.
Barro put his hoof on Dan's shoulder, as did Phoenix. "I'm sorry, Dan. I... I had no idea," Barro said.
But Dan was still processing the information. The Golden Oakes Library, in all its renovated glory that Dan spent months on, that they all had worked to defend, to protect, the place the entire team called home, was planted on the moon. From its green leaves to the giant ion cannon, which was now pointed directly at them, to the mailbox that sat on the front lawn and the entirety of Dan's sophisticated and finicky security system, was all on the moon.
What could it possibly be doing here and not on Equestria, Dan's mind wondered.
To everyone else, the answer had already dawned. With Dan, however, it took an extra minute. The Golden Oaks was not on Equestria... Equestria had just been demolished, then rebuilt. That would've included the library. But the library isn't on Equestria- it's on the moon. How could it get to the moon? Dan relocated the library to the Everfree Ruins when they left Ponyville, but it's not there now. It's. On. The. Moon. Why. Is. It. On. The. Moon.
"Dan..." Twilight looked at him. "I'm sorry."
"I guess we know what Rice's defenses are now," Barro said.
"Ohhhh," Dan said, nodding, finally getting it. And then, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDGGGGGGGGGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"We're almost in range," the sensor officer said, but he was drowned out by Dan.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" Dan grabbed and shook the nearest person, Thrawn, then shook them. The tall blue alien did nothing as Dan's face turned boiling red. Dan released him and then ran, screaming, up and down he walkway of the bridge.
"Does he do this often?" Thrawn asked.
"At least once an episode," Barro answered. Everyone looked at him. "What, am I not supposed to say that?"
Eventually, Dan's shouting focused into the word, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! ATTACK! Attack. ATTACK!!!" Dan pointed at the moon through the viewport. "Destroy! DESTROY THE MOON! BLOW IT UP, BLOW IT ALL UP, BLOW UP EQUESTRIA AGAIN NOW! ATTACK NOW!!"
Thrawn gave a single, solemn nod. "Very well." He turned to his captain and said, "Proceed."
"Ready all cannons. Standby to scramble all squads. Prep assault teams for landing."
"Dan," Twilight approached him. The human was staring angrily out the window, fists balled in pure rage. "I... I have a confession." It was best to just take the heat, especially now while Dan was boiling over. Still, she swallowed. Rarity came up from behind her to rub her shoulders.
Slowly, Dan turned to her. "Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?" he said, hissing steam through gritted teeth. His face was contorted into a sociopathic smile, the kind of smile a madman or a normal person might have at the DMV. Yeah, it really is that bad at the DMV.
"I, uh... well, you probably would've figured this out on your own." Probably not. "But uh, I just wanted to say..."
"I, uh.... I was the last one in the Golden Oakes Library."
Dan's face broke. His smile vanished as he contemplated this new info. "Wait, so what?"
Twilight bashfully rubbed her front legs. "I... maybe, might have forgotten to rearm the security system after I left."
"Oh," Dan said again. "Well, that's not really a big deal-"
"Which would've allowed Vice Grip to steal it."
Dan inhaled.
San Garry's Mod International Airport
Elise's parents had been waiting for approximately three hours for their daughter, son-in-law and their friend Dan to arrive when they finally decided to venture into the terminal to investigate.
"Find us a spot up close," Don instructed Ben, their son.
"There are no spots up close."
"Then just find us something nearby!"
"FINE!" Ben said. He sped the car off in the wrong direction. Don and Elise Sr. walked into the terminal building, followed by the sounds of their car crashing into something. Waiting at the airport for their daughter's plane to land had made them all agitated. Upon stepping inside, they heard something.
"Can you PLEASE shut him up before his shouting damages something! This equipment is sensitive!" Thrawn yelled.
"So are my ears!" Phoenix added.
Twilight grabbed Dan in a magical grip and lifted him up. "Dan!"
"What? WHY? Why did you-"
"Shut the hell up, Dan!" Twilight yelled back. A few gasps, especially from Rarity; this was the first time Twilight had actually yelled back at Dan. But she quickly recomposed herself. "Sorry... but you're not helping, Dan. Seriously."
"But you-"
"I know."
"And he-"
"I know."
"And now-"
"WE KNOW," went everyone.
Thrawn approached. "We're in range now and the defenses don't seem to be active. Whatever the problem is, Dan, I don't think it will be able to stand up to the full might of the Chimaera."
"Well, we'll see about that, won't we?" Dan turned around as Twilight let him down. "Never tested the system against a Star Destroyer anyway."
Phoenix's eyes widened. He remembered something, not something he'd read but something he'd seen before. Of all the things to save, he kept one scrap of paper, innocuous as it seemed, in his pocket. He removed it from his pocket and unfurled it.
It was a piece of one of Dan's plans. In the top-right hand corner was a crude drawing, one of many innocuous-looking crude drawings that seemed to have been drawn on random pieces of paper they had used over time. But now, things had come together, because Phoenix Wright finally understood what they meant. He swallowed hard.
"Dan?" Phoenix showed him the paper. Again, Dan was silent for a moment, but this time he understood what it meant right away.
"What is it?" Barro walked up to them. Dan held the drawing up for him.
"Did you draw this?"
"No," Barro shook his head. "I don't draw. Michael..." Barro's jaw dropped. "Oh no."
The picture slowly fell out of Dan's grasp to the ground. It was the picture of the Golden Oakes Library vaporizing a Star Destroyer. Their Star Destroyer.
A bolt of ion energy lanced through space and struck the Chimaera. Sparks exploded on the ship's hull as a build-up of energy overloaded its systems. The ship had tried to pull away at the last second and was now in a slow spin. The rest of the Golden Oakes Library's defense system now had a perfect shot to fire at the Star Destroyer's vulnerable underbelly.
On the bridge of the ship, Dan stood, arms folded. "Well... remind me to ask Vice Grip how he got the security system's targeting array to work. Before I kill him."
"Get the thrusters online!" Thrawn roared.
"Main power has failed, Admiral! Auxiliary power is not responding!"
"Reroute through the secondary conduits! Now!"
Ships like the Danfiant and the Chimaera had multiple backup and safety systems. If one failed or needed to be shutoff for any reason, another could easily take its place. Some of these systems were meant for only short-term use in emergencies, and others could be used for longer. A ship like a Star Destroyer needed to have many redundant systems in place- Thrawn's flagship was no exception and a capable commander knew how to get the most out of their vessel.
The ion cannon was such an effective weapon because of its ability to disable all of these systems at once. Designed by Rebel technicians specifically for the purpose of destroying the Star Destroyers, they were very good at what they did. The cannon mounted on the Golden Oakes may have been purchased by Dan from the Pone Depot catalog, but it was just as effective. It may have even been more effective since Dan upgraded it.
The lights on the bridge failed one by one. Outside, the moon was beginning to come up and greet them. The ship would crash and in all likelihood, explode.
"I've got no helm controls! Admiral!" Panic was in the helmsman's voice. Despite the discipline Thrawn maintained, the fear was evident. Under normal circumstances, Imperials under Thrawn's command, at least, showed no fear or emotion, even in the face of death.
Thrawn rubbed his neck again. Still sweating. These were not normal circumstances.
"Admiral, all the power conduits are overloaded!"
The blue man charged over to the display. "Engineering, activate the emergency batteries. Reroute main power through the batteries, that should clear the conduits," Thrawn ordered. Power conduits were like power substations on a ship. The ion cannon's surge flooded the electrical systems, including the conduits, with charged energy. Too much energy for the ship to handle, the conduits could rupture, and were usually built in places to suppress the damage should that happen, but again, the ion cannon was effective because it was designed to overcome that.
The cannon just threw so much energy at the target that it was overwhelmed. Much like Dan.
Dan walked up behind Thrawn. "So, asking for a friend here, where are the life boats on this particular ship? I think you call them escape pods, same thing? Where they be, muffin man?"
"Shut up," Thrawn said through gritted teeth. He wanted to ignore the man, but he was having trouble maintaining control of himself. And his ship.
"Engineering is connecting the batteries, sir!"
"Purging conduits... now!" A loud hum pulsed through the ship, along with a shudder. The lights flickered on, then off again. They all looked around, crew and bystander alike, waiting to see what would happen.
The displays and emergency lights shut off. Then, they all felt a sudden feeling of weightlessness. The artificial gravity had failed.
"Controls are... gone! Sir, there's-"
"Enough! I can quite see that, commander now..." he was about to give an order but as the feeling of zero gravity took hold of him, he suddenly realized he didn't have one to give. "I..."
"Sir?"
He turned his head to Dan. "You were... wondering where the escape pods were." Outside, the bow of the vessel was plunging, dipping low as proximity to the moon pulled the ship downward into its surface. Without the safeties, the reactor would absorb all the damage of the impact, rupture and go critical. Which meant explode in a giant fireball.
Dan, Phoenix, Twilight and Rarity looked at the grand admiral. Mixtures of fear, expectation, hope on their faces. Thrawn saw that in the expressions of his crew. He uttered words he never expected himself to utter, floating helplessly on his own bridge, Thrawn said,
"I don't know what to do."
Whatever confidence Dan had was gone as well. He nodded once. "Let's-"
Another shudder rocked the ship. Suddenly, the ship began picking up again. Not under its own power, by from something else.
"Captain?"
"Nothing from engineering, sir. This... is something else."
None of them saw it, but their rescuer didn't really care. He jammed the targeting system on the library long enough to get a lock onto the ship with a tractor and while it wasn't ideal, it was enough to tow them away from the moon. The smaller ship, crewed and piloted by precisely one man, was used to situations like these.
By the time the Chimaera had been towed to safety, the systems of the ship were working again. Although still somewhat damaged, the vessel could at least move under its own power.
"Repairs are going to take some time, sir," Captain Rigel said.
"I'm aware of that," Thrawn said, snapping a bit too much.
Phoenix walked over to him. "You okay, Mr. uh, Thrawn?"
"No, not as much as I'd like to be."
"Who saved us? Who slash WHAT saved us?" Dan asked. "Whoever it is, I owe them a... what's the opposite of punching? A handshake? I owe them a 'nice job.'"
The doors to the bridge slid upward, revealing to Dan his answer.
"I don't take courtesy- only credits," Boba Fett said.
"Well, I don't have any of those, so-"
"Not yours." Boba walked through the middle of the bridge. Passed the confused-looking ensigns and crewmen, passed an only-slightly surprised Thrawn, passed Dan and the others, up to Barro.
Barro met Boba halfway. "Took your sweet time, didn't you?"
The bounty hunter shrugged. "You could've taken the express rate."
Barro grinned. "How about a discount for repeat business?"
"No."
"Right then. The money's in my fighter- follow me."
The two of them departed, just as mysteriously as they had arrived.
"Right, you two just go off and play with each others' asteroids. Thrawn, I need you."
Thrawn sighed, then walked up to Dan. "What is it?"
"I need to know where the escape pods are."
"That's not necessary. The ship isn't in danger any more."
Dan nodded. "I know. It's for a plan."
And Dan disclosed his entire plan to Thrawn. For the first time since arriving in the Equestrian star system, Thrawn felt good about their chances.
The Golden Oakes Library looked oddly pristine on the surface of the moon. Although it could not stay rooted there forever, its innate magic was enough to keep it alive for at least some time on the moon. Long enough for it to be used as a deterrent against Dan or any other ship that passed near it, anyone looking to interfere with Vice Grip's operations, all of which were buried under the surface.
Dan, Twilight, Phoenix and Rarity all looked out the main viewport of the bridge. Their home was facing them, its potent defensive measures turned against them. Like Dan, Vice was adept at using the strength of his enemies against themselves. Like Dan, Vice was clever and knew that the easiest solutions worked best. Like Dan, he was cunning and had multiple plans in place. Like Dan, he could infuriate people almost as easily as he was infuriated by them.
It made Dan's blood boil for more reasons than he could count. Every motionless green leaf, every branch that didn't sway in the wind, the whole library frozen in time like it had been placed at the center of a black-and-white photograph, made Day's eyelid twitch with rage enough to rip Vice in half.
Thrawn came up to stand behind Dan. "We're in position now."
"Launch the pods," Dan ordered.
The Chiss admiral hesitated for only a split second. "Launch all escape pods."
"Aye, sir."
The Chimaera launched its escape pods. With a crew of almost four-thousand, there were not enough pods for every crewman and trooper board- Imperial design. Tiny chuffs of pressure released from the Star Destroyer's hull as the escape pods jettisoned. The pods then floated away from the vessel, their engines not firing, just to slowly drift into the ink of space. No power and no lifeforms aboard and no lights, the tiny escape pods blended in to the blackness of space, becoming almost invisible to the naked eye... and to sensors.
"Excellent."
"You still have not told me what those are for," Thrawn said.
Dan turned to him. "Blue Man. Get the group assembled in the hangar."
"I do not have the slightest idea what you mean by any of that."
"BLUE MAN GROUP. HANGAR. NOW. TWILIGHT, NICKY, RARITY, WITH ME, NOW. WE GO. NOW." He stormed out of the bridge. Twilight, Phoenix and Rarity moved to follow him, with only the lawyer pausing to give a perplexed Thrawn a shrug of consolation.
The ship was big, so it took them a few minutes to return to the main hangar. Dan stopped at what he thought was a vending machine to grab a cold drink, but it turned out this was another piece of technology that just looked like a vending machine. He knocked it over before he left; thankfully it did not appear to be vital.
Cold drink in hand- wait, how the hell did he get one when it wasn't a... okay, nevermind. He crushed the can and tossed it over his shoulder for Twilight to catch with her magic and deposit in a refuse bin. Or at least what she hoped was a refuse bin. The arrived at the hangar to find the rest of the Danfiant and its crew waiting for them.
"Dan, I did what you wanted-"
"Good. Go back to fixing the ship now."
"But the escape pods have no navigation interface. And the ship," Colress tried to explain, "The Danfiant is nowhere near spaceworthy. It's going to take some time before she's ready to fly again, let alone fight."
Dan patted his shoulder. "Just try to get as much of it working as possible."
"All stations- maintain alert status delta. Repair Team Five to Deck Eleven."
The hangar was busy with activity. White-armored stormtroopers, gray-clad officers, droids, support crew all were moving about, fixing and repairing things. Dan led his friends or rather, they followed him as he cut a path through all the hustle and bustle, right to a new arrival on the hangar deck. At least one ship was there that hadn't been there when he arrived- Boba Fett's ship. And it was next to Barro's fighter.
He found both pilots next to their respective ships, as he had expected.
"So what? You're both leaving NOW? After all the-"
Barro raised a hoof. "Save it. Dan, you don't need help from either of us. And quite frankly, you don't want it."
"In my case, you can't afford it," said Boba.
"I don't know WHAT we're going to need. So I'll take what I can get. Also, these Imperials? They're working for me, for now at least, so I can have them keep you from escaping if I want," Dan said.
The two countered him with bemused glares. "You really want to test that?"
"Well-"
"You don't want to give me another reason to kill all these people," Barro said, and returned his attention to his fighter. Boba resumed loading his ship; having saved the Imperials, he charged them his usual rate, plus what Barro had already paid him. He didn't need an excuse to make money twice.
Phoenix came up to Dan's side. "Nicky, don't try to talk me out of this."
"I'm not going to. I'm saying, try a different approach. And hurry- we don't have a lot of time."
"Alright, alright. In the meantime, I need something from you and Twilight."
"What is it?" Phoenix asked. As he did, Twilight and Rarity, having overheard him, joined the conversation from a few steps away.
"Twilight, I need you to get Cap, Jake, Dollars and the other humans out of the Crystal Heart. We need all of Team Jerk and we need them now. For Phase Two."
"I can do that," Twilight said. "I'll need Knight's help, though."
Dan nodded. "Go get it done. Get everybody and meet us back here."
"Okay." She, Phoenix and Rarity went to perform an isolated summoning spell. Technically, because the Crystal Empire was contained in the separate dimension inside the Crystal Heart, summoning magic could be used to bring someone out of it without causing the entire Crystal Empire, complete with Crystal Palace, the surrounding city and the chunk of land it sat upon from appearing inside the Star Destroyer.
They had to be careful when summoning using the Crystal Heart; one wrong move and it might be another thousand years before they saw anybody inside there again, or the Empire might appear and destroy the Chimaera. So Phoenix would make the specific, very specific, summoning and Twilight and the Gears would keep everything contained. This was actually possible thanks to Vice Grip's tampering with the Crystal Heart- the Magic Gears could read its status electronically.
Dan turned back around. Again, he approached Barro, intending to enlist the white broadcaster's aid.
"So. Where are you going to go?"
"Back to Corellia. Back to my studio apartment with Michael. Thinking of dropping a line?"
Dan thought for a moment. Oddly enough, he was reminded of how Twilight had convinced him to stay, back when she first came back from the Crystal Empire. Maybe there was a strategy there he could use.
"How did you get here in the first place?"
Still visibly grumpy, Barro turned to Dan. "You really want to know?"
Thinking back, Dan also remembered that his own origin tale had taken up a whole episode. And they had about five minutes until they were in range of the library again. "On second thought, no. But look, we really need your help. I'm not good at asking for things- usually I beat people, or threaten to beat people and that gets the job done. For you, just once, please. Please help us."
Barro sighed. "You haven't thought this through, Dan. The railgun on this ship can crack the surface of a planet- what do you think that will do to the moon?"
"Uh, yeah, but-"
Barro got up. "The lasers can set the whole thing on fire. Do you think the Golden Oakes is going to survive that?"
"Yes, I see, but still-"
"AND the missiles are powerful enough to cause the moon's orbit to destabilize, possibly sending it spiraling into the sun, into deep space or back down into the surface of Equestria!" he yelled. The white pony face Dan and got right into his face. "Factoring in all those things, exactly WHY and HOW do you think such destructive force could be helpful, when I'm surrounded by people I can barely tolerate, trapped in a situation I don't control, forced to be here, and painstakingly deal with literally EVERYONE's problems when I could just as easily handle a dozen things on my own and say screw every last one of you people, had I not been burdened with the fact you're my only friends?"
"...Wow," Dan said. "Are we kind of alike or something?"
"GET AWAY from me. NOW," Barro said, shoving the human. But Dan did not relent.
"I think I might be starting to like you!"
"You can like the darkest part of my lily-white-"
"AS I was saying," Dan quickly interjected, "There IS a way you can still help. And you don't have to fire a single shot. Well, maybe a few, but not directly at the moon."
Defeated in argument, Barro rubbed his face. "What, then?"
Dan pulled one of the stormtroopers close to him. "I need you to teach the Spaceballs how to shoot good. I know you guys have had your differences in the past, but, you can put those aside for now to help out your friends, right?"
Barro strangled Dan. As he felt the pony's bloodrage-fueled hooves around his throat, throttling him into the floor, Dan couldn't help but smile. He never realized he had so much in common with Barro. He remembered that as he tore him off his chest and the two of them settled their problems the old-fashioned way.
It was complicated, but Twilight was able to summon Chris Redfield, Captain America, Jake, Dollars and even Doctor Whooves from the Crystal Heart. Apparently, extracting them without summoning the Crystal Palace or anything else was a matter of the time in which they had been transported into the Heart itself. Or something like that; Twilight did not have time to conduct research.
Cap and Chris were a bit surprised to be on the deck of a starship. More surprised as they exited a big hole in the side of the Danfiant into the belly of the Chimaera's hangar, a much larger starship. But finding Dan fighting and rolling around trying to strangle someone, not surprising at all.
"Can you honestly go five minutes without trying to kill someone?"
"Technically, I think it's Barro that's trying to kill Dan," Twilight said.
"And we're just going to stand around and watch?" Chris asked.
Phoenix shrugged. "Usually works out better this way. Usually." (Also, I usually don't get punched. Usually.)
Dan and Barro literally rolled around on the deck, with the pony trying to get a good grip around Dan's neck. The two exchanged blows but Dan actually wasn't putting up much of a fight; he was kinda happy Barro was taking his rage out on something. Even if it was him.
"YOU BUCKING TRAITOR!!" Barro roared. He grabbed Dan by the shoulders and slammed him into the deck. Dan flinched, grabbed the white pony's limbs but he wasn't really trying to fight back.
"How am I the traitor? Huh? I was never part of your little vendetta! YOU were trying to shoot ME, remember?"
"WELL NOW I'M TRYING TO BREAK YOUR NECK! IS THIS BETTER, DAN?!?!"
"N-nAAAAAAA-ot particularly."
Twilight finally intervened, pulling Barro off of Dan. Dan was thankful for this.
"You really are alike," Twilight said. "You might be the closest thing to Dan in Equestria."
Both Dan and Barro turned to her. "The hell is that supposed to mean?" they asked simultaneously.
Shaking her head, she walked over to Barro. "Barro, the difference between you and Dan is that when you came to Equestria, you saw it as a second chance for revenge. To continue the path that got you here. With Dan, he came here and he took it as a real opportunity to change. A real second chance."
"What? I had jetlag. I nearly died, fell out of a plan, was caught by Rainbow and passed out in your living room. I didn't think about it until like a year a-" Dan would've kept talking, but Rarity and Phoenix covered his mouth and shut him up while watching Twilight.
Barro still sat, grump, with his forelegs folded. "This isn't about revenge. This is about stopping the Empire. They're a machine, Twilight. A machine that kills innocent lives. They have no respect for their own soldiers. They're all faceless, just numbers to them, only meant to serve the cause of victory."
"Faceless?" Twilight asked. She'd heard that term before. "What do you mean by 'faceless,' Barro?"
He turned to her. "They're faceless. They have no identity- it was robbed from them."
The Faceless One...
She let him continue. And continue he did. "All of these stormtroopers? They were a person before they were a serial number. They were a lot of things, a lot of possibilities but now all that potential is gone. They're all just stormtroopers wearing the face of the Empire."
"I'm many things."
There were still pieces of the puzzle Twilight didn't understand. Though the Director had been killed, Equestria was back now... so did that mean she was, too? Who had the entity calling itself CLEO really been? Was all this really a ruse and she was just another one among them, a faceless part of the background?
No... she wore a new face, that of Cleo because her old one was taken. Stolen from her. But by whom? Maybe someone who didn't even know it.
She still wants both.
Barro shook his head. "All they do is destroy."
"What do-"
"TIE Fighters can only see forward, Twilight. They can only see one direction- the direction they're launched in. Sure, they have sensors," Barro said, gesturing at the TIEs hanging on the ceiling. "But the pilots can't see anywhere but where the Empire wants them to see. Pilot error kills them more than I do."
"Statistically, he's right," one of the stormtroopers said. It drew some curious stares from others around him. "I'm just saying... he's right. Statistically."
"See? If I don't kill them, they will kill themselves. Unintentionally or otherwise. My lasers just make it quick," Barro said.
"SO KILL VICE GRIP!" Dan shouted. "Come on, man! I'm not asking you to give up revenge on these plastic space nazis forever! Just put to the side for like... an hour! And help me kill an evil scientist. Please?"
Barro sighed heavily. "FINE. I'll work with the damn... Imperials. For now."
Dan clapped his hands loudly. "Great! Get in your supership and fly out with all the TIE guys, please. And be ready for when we need you. Okay?"
"If it'll shut you up."
"Hahhaha, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that- under normal circumstances, I'd put you on the List for that," Dan said. "But I'm in a good mood. You just get out of here, you crazy angry broadbastard."
"BroadCASTER," Barro corected.
"I know what I said. Anyway," Dan turned around back to his other friends. "Stevie! Redfield... and of course-"
"Absolutely fascinating! I've always wanted to see the inside of one of these- Star Destroyers, was it? Yes, look at how absolutely massive this thing is! Much bigger on the inside, I totally get that," Doctor Whooves said. The Doctor, bowtie and all, immediately began his excessively-energetic examination of his surroundings. Starting with the floor and stormtroopers.
"It's always amazed me that the 'bad guys' seem to be more hygienic than the good groups. That does tend to be the case, doesn't it?" he said, darting between the stormtroopers to study their armor. "Everything is so sterile and... clean! Why are the bad guys clean and the good guys are dirty?"
"Well, we- I mean, showers are mandatory and they drill us pretty hard-" the stormtrooper tried explaining, but the Doctor was already on his next subject.
The Doctor held a hoof to his chin. "Come to think of it, I've never seen a dirty Dalek before. Well, not many, anyway- not on the outside."
Dan thumbed at the Doctor. "Twilight, would you?"
She smiled and levitated him up, which was rapidly becoming her new way of telling people politely to shut up and focus. Politely.
"Doctor, we need-"
POLITELY.
"...Doctor, we need to focus on the task at hand, please."
"Ah! Right," the Doctor nodded as Twilight let him down again. "Dan! My good friend-"
Dan shook his head. "No." Doctor Whooves wrapped a foreleg around his shoulders anyway.
"I believe I know what Mr. Rice Grain's plan is."
"Great. You can tell us that as we're stopping it."
"I- what?"
"All hands, battle stations! This is not a drill- combat teams report to ready stations! All units, prepare to deploy."
The ship sprung into action. More stormtroopers flooded the hangar bay, almost filling the entire thing to standing-room only with all the other things occupying space in it. One of the reasons the Empire did things big and many was because it was the best way to show you owned something as big as space- you occupied lots of it. The stormtroopers filed into rows, a full formation that stood at attention.
Dan ran quickly over to Jake and Dollars. The two ODSTs had swapped weapons with a pair of other stormtroopers and were looking at each others' guns.
"Space marine! I need you guys."
They spun and nearly salute Dan. "What is it, sir? Whatever it is you need, we're ready!" Dollars declared. Jake, naturally, was silent.
Dan gestured behind him at the legion of troopers. "I need you both to teach the stormtroopers how to helljump. How to... orbitally drop and then shock and troop. All that. Right now."
The two marines looked at the troopers. Even without their polarized helmets, it was clear they were uncertain.
"Alright, but it's going to take about two weeks."
"You got two minutes."
"Alright, listen up!! Keep your eyes and head centered, focus on the ground and when you hit it, hug it like your life depends on it!" Dollars immediately began instructing the soldiers. "Squad leaders, step forward! You're going to coordinate everyone and everything around you- follow my lead!"
Finally, Dan took Phoenix, Captain America, Chris Redfield, Rarity and Twilight and got suited up themselves. They didn't look that great for stormtroopers, but it would get the job done. They were ready to assault and retake the library, the entire moon... and their friends.
Until Barro mentioned something.
"Hey guys, just thought I should mention something."
"The hell are you doing, Bozo?"
"Barro."
"BOZO. I told you to launch with the TIE guys and teach them how to fly and do the space good!" Dan yelled. "We got like a minute, news clown!"
Barro nodded. "Yeah, about that, you're about to all die."
Dan stopped. Slowly, he turned around to the pony and said, "Explain."
"The stormtrooper armor is not rated for vacuum. Aside from the two ODSTs, you're about to commit suicide via airlock. Including the stormtroopers."
Dan inhaled. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- I don't have time to yell. Everyone, pretend I yelled again."
"Can we do that every time?" Chris asked.
"No."
Twilight stepped forward. "Rarity and I can stay on the ship. We can project magic around you and the troopers. Allow you to breath, at least but it will be difficult projecting that many bubble spells for a very long time."
"Meaning we'll have to make it quick," Cap said.
Dan nodded. "Alright, here's the plan. The Golden Oakes' security system is fully active. It's designed to handle basically every threat I could imagine. And I imagined a lot. But I didn't imagine it moving because tree, so that's the angle we're gonna work. We're gonna use the fact it's on the moon."
"Is this what the escape pods were for?" Phoenix asked.
"Partly, yes. But we need to stick together, work together, and move quickly. I don't know what else they're going to throw at us. Which is what the Imperials are for."
"Well... we're here with you. Let's go get our friends back," Chris said.
"In range in ten seconds."
They assembled at the front of the hangar. The moon was directly below them. The Danfiant was still in front of them and now, they were even standing on it. Barro's fighter and the TIEs were on the ceiling, waiting to launch just after Dan and the troopers were clear. This was it.
"Five seconds."
"Dan?" Phoenix asked. "You still haven't told us exactly how we're going to be uh-"
Dan raised his gun and shot the magcon field generator. The shield deactivated and they were all immediately exposed to space.
In an instant, they were all blasted out of the hangar along with the Danfiant. Hurtling towards the moon's surface, the library immediately opened fire on them. There was no going back now. Rarity and Twilight's bubbles encircled each member of the assault team. The final attack had begun.
The Danfiant had been in pieces when the Chimaera had tractored it in. Now, launched at the moon's surface, the pieces of the modified Miranda-class were spinning and breaking up further. But, they made the perfect barrier between the Golden Oakes' security system's barrage of cannon fire and the stormtroopers, who were now diving towards the moon.
Barro and the TIE Fighters launched behind them. Whatever air support the ground team received would be from them; the Star Destroyer was too large a target to remain in range of the ion cannon for too long.
"DAAAAAAAAAN!"
"Hold onto me, Nicky!"
"AAAAAAAAHHH!!"
"If you're going to scream into my ear, you can find someone else to hold onto!" Cap said. But that might not have been the best idea, as they were all hiding behind his shield, clinging to the larger man for dear life. Cap held his shield in front of him, the patriotic star of America reflecting the light from the laser blasts, bullets, mortars and missiles that the library lobbed their way.
There wasn't a single weapon from the Pone Depot Deluxe Home Defense Mail-Order Catalogue that Dan had not equipped the Golden Oakes Library with. By buying multiple packages during a promotional weekend and opting for a brand new membership at the time, he saved fifteen percent on his overall purchase and even obtained free shipping and home delivery. He opted for self-installation, which saved on additional costs and allowed him to further customize the layout.
Now, that firepower was used against him.
"This is insanity!! This is absolute squeeing insanity!!" Chris yelled. A burst of green and purple light appeared just above and to the right of them as they flew, the closest one yet. They were past it just as soon as they had spotted it. The blast, a modified firework, blasted a group of stormtroopers, knocking them off their trajectory and sending them spinning into space.
Phoenix spared a glance behind him. Several other explosive shots had blown apart the stormtroopers. He was able to spot free-floating pieces of white armor.
"Nothing we can do for them now, Nick!" Chris shouted.
"I know, I know!"
Jake and Dollars, the only two with real experience jumping out of a spaceship, were doing their best to coordinate the stormtroopers. They were able to communicate with the other space soldiers, and the soldiers were good at following orders, but they were still getting torn apart.
The Danfiant continued breaking apart. The Magic Gears had been able to restore some of the ship's structural integrity fields, but the withering fire from the treehouse was battering it too much.
Directly in front of them, Dan, Cap, Phoenix and Redfield watched as the ship continued to tumble. They had to jump out far from the moon's surface to protect the Chimaera from being hit; the Golden Oakes Library had an extensive range.
The targeting system was something Dan had never completely figured out, even to this day. Twilight had forgotten to arm the security system when she retrieved the books, believing it to be the last time she'd see her home. Because of this, Rice had just been able to pluck the tree out of the ground, which had been done before, and plant it on the moon. He hadn't even bothered with special settings; just knew Dan or others would be coming and he switched it on.
"The shots are getting closer!!" Phoenix yelled.
Dan looked around while keeping his head ducked. "We're almost there!"
The Danfiant was too large for its trajectory to be changed by the weapons fire but the ship was disintegrating. It hurtled towards its target, squads of stormtroopers still behind it while pieces came off leaves off a tree. Too many and too fast.
Another blast, this one orange, was close enough that Phoenix felt it through his shoes.
"Dan, we're not going to make it at this rate!"
"Uhhhh..." Dan didn't know what to say. "I was hoping the targeting system would recognize me if I was close enough!"
"We're not gonna get close enough!" Redfield yelled.
"Look!"
The TIE Fighters shrieked past them. Accelerating faster than Dan and the stormtroopers, the fighters, led by Barro, roared over them. The weapons on the Golden Oakes began targeting the fighters instead, independently firing at the nearest ones that came in range.
"Way to go, it's the Red Moron's Flying Circus!!" Dan exclaimed.
"Thank goodness..." Phoenix said.
Barro and the TIEs blitzed the library. While the first group of fighters buzzed the top of the Golden Oakes, the group behind it fired at it. Green laser blasts peppered the surface around the library, careful not to hit the actual tree itself. Moon dust was thrown up by the blasts, instantly vaporized, creating a cloud that obscured some of the weapons. The tiny scotsman on the mailbox coughed, tried to fire his explosive dart gun but ultimately couldn't see shite. The mechanical kilted figure threw down his gun and sat with his head in his hands.
Some of the troopers cheered at the sight of the flyboys engaging the library. Not all of the TIEs were lucky, though; some came too close and were shot down. Despite that they were Imperial, Barro led them well, coordinating their efforts to the best of his abilities. They were not using Imperial protocols or Rebel tactics, but a mixture of both. Combining their strengths was truly the most effective strategy of them all.
"Uhh, Dan?"
Unfortunately, the repulsor blasts from the TIEs' engines slowed down the bulk of the Danfiant's debris. But not Captain America. The supersoldier, with Dan, Chris and Phoenix still clinging to him for dear life, was still speeding like a bullet at the ground. Chrys would have salivated over the thought of muscular men clinging to each other, but she was currently not aware.
"EVERYBODY DUCK!!" Dan squeezed Captain America harder, and totally not in a bromantic way. He tucked his head into the man's iconic blue suit, pressing and trying to make himself as small as possible. Reluctantly, Phoenix did the same. Honestly, if you're a gay Captain America fan, this is probably exactly where you want to be. Probably exactly. Red Skull's probably not into it. Doesn't hail his HYDRA, so to speak. I'll stop now.
"Steve-"
"Shut up, Chris!"
"I'm sorry." Chris, under Captain America, squeezed himself tight to the other man's chest, placing his head right under Cap's neck. Teeth gritted, Steve Rogers was more uncomfortable than he'd ever been since coming to Equestria, feeling things that only the most intimate of men could possibly feel. He hoped Peggy NEVER learned about this.
The Danfiant tumbled towards them.
"Oh boy. We're going in, guys!!" Cap yelled. The hull of the ship increased in size until it was all he could see. Just before his shield made contact with the vessel, Cap pinched his eyes shut.
They pierced through the hull like an arrow through paper. Through wrecked deck after wrecked deck, they penetrated their way through the ship. Finally, they burst through the other side and Cap breathed a sigh of relief.
"Haha... haaaa."
Dan, Phoenix and Chris looked up, bringing their totally-not-gay embrace of Steve to see they'd made it through. And then the Danfiant continued tumbling upward.
"Oh crap," Steve said. They resumed hugging him in ways that's still technically illegal in some places on Earth. Cap closed his eyes again as the other side of the ship flipped up towards them. They pierced through again, thankfully, and were right out the other side in a matter of seconds.
Again, they all breathed a sigh of relief. Gravity decided to be a bitch, though, so the ship ended up flipping six more times before it finally stopped.
"This is it!!!" Cap announced. "We're gonna be landing on the moon's dark side!"
"I've had enough dark side for one day!" Phoenix yelled.
"I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that!"
"Okay!" (Probably a good idea.)
The moon's surface gained more and more detail until, they finally landed on it. Cap's shield was the first thing to hit the ground and while it dug into the surface a bit, busting through the Danfiant that many times had actually slowed them down quite a bit. The shield skidded and Cap turned that skid into a flip. The lower gravity of the moon made it a high flip, but he landed on his feet. Immediately, and I mean IMMEDIATELY, everybody let go of him.
"Aahhh... we are gonna tell no one about that. Agreed?"
"Agreed," the other hetero men said. Sorry M/M fans; King Sombra and Flash Sentry is the only gay male ship in this story. Speaking of ships,
"OH SHIT!!"
The Danfiant's bow slammed into the surface meters away from them. Burning pieces of the vessel cascaded down around them. Mysteriously though, like Cap had done, the ship also flipped and tumbled, crashing on its dorsal side on the moon's surface.
"Ha... oohhh... hoooo," Dan panted. "That's probably going to need a new coat of paint."
"You're actually planning on fixing it? After ALL this?" Phoenix asked.
Dan shrugged. "It's a good ship. It got us here, didn't it? Until I get my car back, I'm not wasting any vehicle I like."
Stormtroopers began touching down around them. The two Halo ODSTs had done their job and the Imperials had followed directions. They all gracefully landed, some sinking into the surface but were helped out later, and all assembled quickly.
"Great job guys, great job," Dollars said. He then looked to Jake for approval. "The hell do you mean 'sloppy?' That was a beautiful drop. Didn't even need pods."
"Speaking of pods, what were those escape pods about, Dan?" Phoenix asked.
Dan smiled. "All part of my plan, Nicky. Now follow me. We're going to get our library back."
"Alpha through Delta Squads, form up and follow us! The rest of you, hang back and cover us!"
In groups, they emerged out from the dark side of the moon. The stormtroopers looked like ghosts against the gray surface. The Golden Oakes Library continued firing at the TIEs that were buzzing it, but Barro was keeping them from being predictable. Debris from the Danfiant was scattered about the surface but there was little cover. Rice had planted the treehouse where it had an optimum dome-shaped field of fire, unrestricted in every direction.
Fortunately, they were about to get some cover. The escape pods Dan had jettisoned early landed. And they landed all around the library.
"Everybody stop!!" Dan shouted. "Get down, get down!!" He suited actions to words and hugged the terrain. The others all followed suit.
"What's in those escape pods, Dan?" Cap asked.
"Armor?" Chris asked.
"No."
"Weapons?" Cap asked.
"No."
"Power tools and explosives- your two favorite things?" Phoenix asked.
"No, but I like that suggestion," Dan said. "It's-"
One of the escape pods burst open. Out spilled globs and globs of-
"Honey?" Phoenix asked. "Oh..."
"Honey," Dan said. The other pods exploded as well, spilling forth gallons of rich, sweet honey. And not just any honey- space honey. Quite possibly the most tantalizing of all space-related substances, but especially tantalizing too-
"NYARRRR-LRRRRRrrAAAAAAAAARGGG!!"
"URSAS!!!!!!" a stormtrooper yelled. A colony of translucent space bears, Ursa Minors, Ursa Middles and Ursa Majors all descended upon the moon's surface. Even as big and massive as they were, they greedily indulged in the honey. Some picked up the pods like they were honeypots and unscrewed the tops to drink the contents. The tangy substance was irresistible to them.
And most importantly, their massive bodies provided the perfect cover.
"Everybody, charge the library! Follow me!!" Dan yelled. "But QUIETLY!"
The assault force charged, and then tiptoed through the masses of space bear fur. The bears were so focused on their meal that they didn't even notice the occasional laser blast hitting them. In fact, the fireworks were and spaceships dancing about were quite thrilling- it was like dinner and a show. And they especially didn't notice the insect-sized creatures squeezing their way through and around them.
Finally, Dan made his way to the library's front door. Cap reached for the doorknob first.
"GLLARRRGh!" And was electrocuted.
"Stevie! Always KNOCK first," Dan said. And then proceeded to do the secret knock, the final key to unlocking the treehouse that only he knew, the most secretive and unpredictable-
"Shave and a haircut?"
"Shut up, Nicky."
"Two bits," the lawyer ended. And the door opened. They all quickly rushed inside.
The inside of the library had its own atmosphere still. Dan and the others were able to breath without Twilight and Rarity's magic bubbles, which was a welcome relief for the two mares. Projecting and maintaining magical spells over multiple subjects was a difficult prospect, and an exhausting one as well.
"Everybody, wipe your feet. Nicky and Chris, please pick up Stevie."
"Right."
Dan activated the security system's terminal next to the door. He keyed in a series of sophisticated commands.
"AS we suspected," Dan declared. "That bastard didn't even bother changing the settings. Just waited for us to show up and turned it on."
The stormtroopers filed in, ignoring Dan's order to wipe their feet on the mat first.
"HEY! I said wipe the feet! Get back out there!"
"Dan," Phoenix cautioned, "the Ursas."
"I'll reactivate the security system and throw you back outside, Spaceballs. Wipe. Your. Feet."
The stormtroopers stared at Dan. There were a little over forty of them, the better part of their platoon divided into four fireteams. With most of them still outside surrounding the library, the squad leaders now looked at Dan to see if he was joking. He wasn't.
"He's not bluffing. I'd just do what he says," Chris said.
Dan held a finger over the targeting system.
"Okay," was all the lead trooper said. It was all he needed to say. The troopers all wiped off their feet and entered the library, despite the danger of possibly being swiped at by a colossal space bear and the other risks of being in space.
"I don't about any of you fine fellows, but I have a question," Dollars said. He looked around and asked, "Where the hell is Vice Grip?"
"The library was just defending the moon. We still have to get inside the moonbase," Dan explained. He was still interfacing with the security system. "There's access tunnels that run across the moon's surface and connect to the complex deep beneath it. There's a lot of stuff stored there and most of it is dangerous."
"How did you..." Phoenix was about to ask Dan how he knew all this, but then the answer came to him as he asked it. "Luna."
Dan nodded. "That's right. Before Vice took it over, Luna used to take trips to the moon to meditate, relax, play video games."
"I thought her video games were in her room back in the castle," Phoenix said. (I wonder if she's played Ace Attorney.)
"Her PC and laptop sure, but she mostly plays on consoles and those are up here," Dan said.
Captain America finally woke up. "That... was painful."
"It was about two-million volts, give or take so just be happy your skin didn't incinerate," Dan replied.
The soldiers remained at the ready, but were getting idle. A few of them examined books and one turned on the television. Not exactly the best show of military discipline, but they were in a treehouse on the moon and outside was a group of giant space bears. Seeing all that they had survived to get there, they were afforded some lapse in regulation.
Jake and Dollars held one of their non-verbal conversations. Veterans of more campaigns against the Covenant, the Banished and the Sacred than they even cared to count, they were able to read each other through hand signals. That, and Jake hadn't spoken a word since their CO sacrificed herself for them during the Fall of Reach.
Eventually, Jake persuaded Dollars to ask Dan what the hell he was doing.
"Dan, what the hell are you doing?" Dollars was very to-the-point.
"Reconfiguring the targeting system. Sorry, it's gonna take me a minute."
"Why? Why are you bothering to do this when we're already inside the house?"
"HEY! This is a complicated process. It's not a lightswitch- this is a very sophisticated and advanced piece of equipment," Dan explained.
"The duck goes, 'waaack quaaaack quaaaaack.'"
"...Advanced piece of equipment. You sure it was made by Pone Depot and not Fischer-Price?"
"They... may have outsourced a few parts," Dan admitted.
"The donkey goes, "Hi, uh, my name is Sinbad. Hi. I used to be a stand-up comedian, kind-of an all-around performer and I do shows. I was in movies. Anyway, I'm available for parties, please hire me my number is eleven-"
The lights in the library flickered off. Then, back on again. The hum of power generators turning on filled the air before leveling out.
"Got it!" Dan announced.
"What'd you do?" Phoenix asked.
Around the outside of the library, the weapons retracted back into their bays. All the guns, missile launchers, cannons and blasters disappeared back into the treehouse itself, returning it to the way it normally looks, including the ion cannon on top. Then, speakers deployed in their place.
The melody of a pleasant lullaby deployed from the speakers. The ursas heard it, were confused at first, but then allowed themselves to be lulled by it into sleeping. The space bears, their bellies full of delicious honey, decided it was time to head for home and a long period of space hibernation, snuggling with their favorite asteroids and beds- except they were too lazy and just fell asleep on the lawn.
"HEY!" Dan yelled out the front door, "You're supposed to LEAVE now, not just fall asleep on the-"
"RAANNR!!" a bear swiped at Dan, prompting him to shut the door quickly. Do not argue with the space bears. Fortunately, the bear was too sleepy to accost Dan further and curled up, all cute and cuddly and went to sleep.
"If Fluttershy was here, she could help us with the bears," Phoenix remarked. And then, he and Dan and the others all realized at the same time, "Wait! Why don't we just go get her!"
"Great thinking, Nicky, she's here on the moon somewhere."
"How are we going to get to the moon base?" the storm trooper leader asked.
"Well, that's the problem. I... don't really know where the entrance is," Dan said. "We're going to call Barro and Papa Smurf back on the Star Disturber and have them use their scanners to find it." With that, Dan turned back to the terminal.
"Dan calling space dudes, come in."
"Hnnngghh... hzzzzzzzzzn... zzzzzzzzzzzz..."
Chris patted Dan on the back. "Great job, Dan. You put the author to sleep. Probably a first."
"I'm joking, Resident Emo. We're picking up that music on almost every frequency. Nice touch with the Ursas, though, Dan. We appreciate not being clawed at or eaten today."
"Yeah, well, day's not over yet. I need you and the Spaceballs to scan the surface of the moon to find us the entrance."
"Where exactly should we start?"
Dan shrugged, which was not visible to Barro. "I don't know! Just go over the whole moon until you find something! Comb the surface!"
"...Right, we'll get on that."
"Thank you," Dan said. And then thought for a moment, "And I mean with SCANNERS, okay?"
Phoenix patted Dan's shoulder. "Come on, Dan. It's not like they're going to use actual combs."
Rice knew he was close. The problem was, so were they- so was Dan. They really were a lot alike, and that is what they both hated, which made them even more alike. Dan had hated it first, which is what he would say if that was ever brought it up, but now, Rice hated it, too. But now, there was one key way, one key similarity between the two angry individuals that he could use. Now, it was about to pay off.
"Sire!" One of his dog soldiers burst through the door to the main laboratory. A breach of protocol he could afford time to neither reprimand nor admonish. "They have found us, my lord. Dan and his army has arrived."
"Take care of it," was Rice's terse reply.
The dog removed his helmet, ears low. "But... sire, please. There are too few of us and their weapons are-"
"Fight them," Rice ordered. "I don't care what it takes. Use your guns, use knives, use your bare teeth if you have to. Stall them, stop them, drag them by their ankles, I don't care, just don't let them reach the lab!!"
Lips quivering, possibly on the verge of tears, the dog returned his helmet to his head. He held his rifle closely and hustled off to meet the enemy. The dog had no inclination that he would survive.
The dogs were loyal to Rice. He had found them in squalor, used his science to lift them up, taught them to build underground farms and craft medicine. They all loved him, nearly worshipped him, but he was driven by one thing and one thing only: revenge. Revenge and setting things right. Had his motivations even been simple selfish greed like so many others, he might have felt a modicum of respect for those that served him. But Rice felt only rage.
Now, as the final cards of the game began to be played, they stared at a losing hand. Only in this final moment did the dogs question their loyalty. They reached an answer with their backs to the wall.
Rice didn't care. Even as his last followers wavered, he didn't. Not from his mission, not from his goal, not from his hatred. It was all he had.
In front of Rice, the thing he had been working on for the past few months, was nearly ready. Tied in to the very foundation of the moon's core, was a blue police call box. Of course, that's only how it appeared on the outside- it was much bigger on the inside, he had found. And now, that Dan had done the impossible, Rice was going to do the impossible to undo what had been done. He was going to have his son back.
The door to the TARDIS opened.
"I can't believe you used ACTUAL combs when I told you NOT to," Dan snarled.
"I can't believe it worked," Cap remarked.
"After everything that's happened, I don't think anything's unbelievable any more," Phoenix added. They were about to all engage in a hearty, best friend laugh when Dan interrupted, yelling-
"I can't believe you're all STILL STANDING AROUND HERE TALKING ABOUT IT," Dan yelled. Then, he pointed. "You."
"Me," Dollars said.
"Blow open the door. Now."
"One door breach, coming up," the ODST said. Jake silently moved to assist his friend. The two marines were a good team; Dollars being the loud explosive one, Jake being the whisper-quiet one. Jake's footsteps didn't even seem to make much noise compared to Dollars.
As the marines placed the explosive pack on the door to the moon base, Dan turned to the stormtroopers. Their helmets made them all look the same, which Dan both approved of and hated.
"Vice Grip is in there somewhere. So are my friends."
"OUR friends," Phoenix corrected. And for once, Dan allowed it. Because Phoenix was his friend.
"Our friends," Dan repeated. "And probably a bunch of other crazy gizmos and freaky sci-fi weirdo gadgets. High-tech nerd stuff. Traps, defenses, all of it will be in there. The walls might not even be safe and he knows we're coming. We're basically walking into a trap."
"Which is why you're making them go in first," Redfield said.
"Which is why I'm making you go in first," Dan confirmed. "And Redfield is going to lead you."
"Try again."
"And Stevie is going to lead you," Dan said. "We don't know what is in there or where exactly our friends are." Dan approached the platoon of stormtroopers. He got right up in their faces. "Find our friends. Find Vice Grip. Bring him to me. Alive."
"Sir, yes sir," the trooper replied.
"Charge set!" Dollars ran around the corner. The charge exploded, a puff of smoke expanding outward in the vacuum of space.
"GO GO GO!" Dan shouted. And the stormtroopers charged. Right into the door.
"Damn. SPACE MONKEY!" Dan shouted. Dollars did not know Dan was referring to him, but then Dan went right up to him and that made it pretty clear.
Dollars shrugged. "The charge must not've been strong enough! It's not my fault; I'm not exactly equipped to breach a bomb shelter."
"THEN WHO IN THE HELL IS?! You people are supposed to be SOLDIERS that fight WARS in SPACE. Well, here's the war, we're in the space so WHY IS THERE A FRAGGING PROBLEM?!"
"Dan-" they all began arguing. "It's not as easy as-"
*shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrr-BOOOM* The bunker entrance exploded. The door, the entryway, all had been taken off and now there was only a gaping hole in its wake when the dust cleared.
"You're welcome," Barro said.
"CHAAAAARGE!!" Dan shouted. And the stormtroopers rushed into the moon base. Dan stomped his way down the stairs to join them, Phoenix, Cap and Redfield in tow.
The words STABLE 0 were painted in bold on the walls. They realized that was what they were in; another Stable-Tec Stable, only this one was on the moon. It had the same layout, same material had been used, the only difference was that this one wasn't on Equestria. They reached the first intersection, the inevitable branching corridors of the Stable that stretched deeper into the base.
Dan stood in the center of this intersection. Fists balled, seething, his friends were right behind him, waiting for him to lead. This was the final confrontation. It had to be.
Or so he thought.
"Find him. Whatever it takes," Dan told them. "Find him."
Dan ran down the corridor. They were here, HE was here, this was it. Vice would not escape this time. Now, Dan would have his revenge. He would have his revenge immediately.
The sounds of battle echoed around him. He looked up and down each of the corridors but he kept running. Searching, either for his friends or better yet, Vice, he would find them here. He knew they were here, but where? He would not stop until he found them, would not even slow down. Dan would free his friends and beat Vice Grip to a pulp, to a pulp upon pulps and then they would all go home. The score would be settled.
The way it was meant to be.
The Stable was cold and sterile. Business as usual; the run-of-the-mill mad scientist and his sterile, pristine little lab. Not unlike how Vice Grip's hospital was in the Mirror Universe. That similarity was a fleeting thought on Dan's mind. Dan's own rugged appearance- the worn soles of his shoes, battered t-shirt and blue jeans, messed hair and perpetually pale face, were a stark contrast to everything in Equestria, Stable Zero included.
Equestria's magic prevented things from changing. It stopped aging, stopped growth and alteration, time itself did not work the same way it did on Earth. Instead of time progressing ever-onward, it could move things backward and forward or stop them when it needed to. When magic decided. Crops still grew, seasons changed but only because the rest of the world needed them to in order to keep going. Magic affected everything in this universe, even time and space.
When Equestria had been destroyed, the magic had as well. Dan had noticed it when he'd developed a five o'clock shadow for the first time since arriving. His facial stubble had since been burned off, by some strange coincidence, if those even existed here. Magic was returning. The faded JERK logo on his shirt was regaining color, the tears in his jeans around his ankles were mending, fatigue in his muscles evaporating like it had never been there in the first place.
Dan would face Vice Grip at his prime. Oxygen filled his lungs, mind clear of everything except his objective, he could've climbed a mountain and leaped off the peak into the stars themselves- or so he felt. For all magic could do, for all the impossibilities it could perform, it was still somehow limited.
None of the rooms were marked. That was a change from the other Stables he'd visited. He opened a door to find a storage room, a closet. Any other time, he'd be tempted to grab whatever looked sharp or combustible and fashion it into a weapon. Not this time; he made note that there were neither his friends nor his enemies there and moved on.
"Where are you? Where are you, you miserable son-of-a-bitch?" Dan muttered.
The white surfaces of the halls reflected Dan's image. Like a faded mirror, the lights were not bright nor close enough for the reflection to be clear, and so reflection appeared ghostly on walls and floor alike. His darting, twisting motions of his head as he searched, as he hunted ruthlessly twisted and contorted his image, as it would anyone. Dan did not notice at all.
"Fall back to the entrance!" "Move!"
A group of stormtroopers ran past him, back down the corridor he'd came. They held their squad leader by his shoulders, the man's body slack between them.
Another explosion came from around the corner ahead of him. A helmet rolled through the intersection, crossed paths with Dan and kept rolling. The fighting was fierce. Dan knew that Rice's guards would either be protecting Rice or the prisoners, not both. He would sacrifice one or the other to run- his own soldiers or the prisoners. Either way, Dan was not letting him escape. Not this time.
As luck would have it, it was the former. The fourth storage room he checked, Dan found their friends.
"Oh thank shit."
Dan realized now this had been the Director's entire plan. Find a way to capture the ponies, whisk them away to the moon where they'd be safe and then let Equestria destroy itself. All the ponies and creatures Cleo didn't care about- whether they were from Equestria or not, would be left to be annihilated. Erased as if they had never been, the flaws of a great slate wiped blank once more. This time. the Director would take her place and create a new Equestria with her own friends and the way she wanted things.
Rice had that same plan. He wanted to create a world without magic, where the tragedy that happened to him would never have happened. It would only cost the deaths of millions; ponies were only one of many races in Equestria. A small sum compared to the destruction of Earth.
Dan also realized the material being used to hold the ponies- an enhanced plastic, not unlike a toy blister pack, encased each pony. It was a toy franchise, after all. But no, that was on Earth. Here, they were much more. To him, they were much more.
"We're getting you all home. Back home where you belong."
He rushed to free each of them. Starting with-
"Danny!"
"I TOLD YOU to NEVER call me-"
"It's so good to see you!" Pinkie Pie grabbed him and hugged him, smothering the pale man with pink pony glee and love.
"Okay- OKAY, FINE. You get this one." Dan couldn't help but crack the tiniest of smiles... and hugged her back. "It's good to see you, too... Pinkie."
"Awwwww."
"Let's get everypony else free before you find some other way to annoy me."
"Psssh, like that'd happen so quickly. Well, I could start naming off all the noises I heard since I got here. Like, first, there was a big WORRRSSSSHHH and then a buncha sirens stared going REEE-Rrrrrr-REEEE-Rrrrrr and that lasted for about two hours, and I couldn't even talk for that whole time! Then, there were all these dogs everywhere, and a bunch of Red Markers that all were-"
"I regret freeing you first," Dan said.
It took a while- felt like hours with Pinkie constantly talking. She was apparently making up for all the times she hadn't talked since being captured. But finally, they freed all of the ponies, including Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Fluttershy. They even found their pets.
Rainbow Dash stretched her wings, her legs, her back, even her neck.
"Ohh-ahhh, there it goes. That feels good."
"I know how ya feel," AJ said. After months, it felt good to put her stetson back atop her head where it belonged. "There we go."
"Thank you, Dan," was Fluttershy's only comment. Only comment to Dan, anyway; she quickly found Angel and began massaging the poor, cramped bunny rabbit. "Angel, you're so stiff. You're going to need a nice massage when we get you home."
The tiny bunny shook his head.
"Shiatsu?"
He shook his head again.
"Hot stone and tea?"
He nodded. Fluttershy smiled contentedly and hugged her friend. He knew what he liked.
Applejack looked around. "I don't see Rarity or Spike."
"She's with us," Dan said. "And Twilight. It'll take a while to explain."
"What about Spike?" Rainbow asked. She found Tank and equipped him to her back like a backpack. The turtle was very happy to see his friend again and did not plan on letting her go basically ever. Rainbow Dash felt the same.
"I don't know where everybody is- you guys and Al were the first ones I freed. Look, I need you to free the others and fast. I don't know what Vice Grip is planning but he's probably getting ready to cut and run," Dan said.
"We gotcha, sugar cube. You go get 'em," AJ said.
Dan smiled. He'd missed her southernisms; AJ was one of the few ponies Dan felt he understood, and that understood him. He'd missed all of them, even Pinkie and her incessant personality. And he would not risk them now. No, he would find Vice before that and end his threat to them once and for all.
His smile slowly faded. "I'll be back in a minute."
The stormtroopers were assembled down the hall in front of a hatch, still fighting. The final section of Stable Zero, it was where Rice's guards had congregated. This was their last stand. One final push was all that was needed, but the stormtroopers were not making headway.
"Dan? Sir," the ranking stormtrooper started, "the guards have a fortified position at the end of the corridor. We're not making much progress." Around them, that statement was obvious; wounded stormtroopers in various states were being tended to by those with medical experience. Without much in the way of medical supplies, they weren't able to do much. At this rate, they would be depleted before they breached Vice's defenses.
Dan's eyes were narrow. No one else could make this; it had to be him. He stared into the imperceptible visor of the trooper that spoke to him, and it was the man behind the faceless visage who knew fear. Dan's intensity radiated off of him in vicious waves. He was about to render final judgment and no mercy would be granted to any who got in his way.
"Pull your men back," Phoenix said. He could practically feel what Dan wanted, they all could. Unlike the troopers, Phoenix had known Dan long enough to suggest the right course of action.
Cap echoed the statement. "Pull everyone back. Get everyone back to the entrance." His shield was scorched and scratched, testament to his efforts defending the others.
"Acknowledged. Fall back! Fall back!" the trooper shouted.
The hatch to the final corridor opened. More troopers came through, the last group that had tried to advance down the corridor. They'd used smoke to try to cover their advance and the smokescreen was still hanging thick in the air. It billowed out into the hall they were in as the Imperials carried their wounded through. Some limped, some were carried, but they fell back through the smoke.
Jake, Dollars and Chris Redfield were the last ones through.
"I know what they were using... I know what they were using B.O.W.s for now," Chris said, panting.
"Those are some crazy guards, Dan," Dollars warned him. Jake nodded himself. The senior marine was normally a pillar of steel, but he had clearly been roughed up as well.
Dan still did not say a word. Not a sound he had uttered since he told the recently rescued members of the Mane Six. The stormtroopers retreated, firing only a few parting shots as they exited.
The humans fell back. Dan stood, facing the doorway until the sound of the last boots rounding the corner echoed back to him. Then it was just him and Phoenix Wright.
"Dan," Phoenix said, "kick his ass."
Dan nodded. Phoenix left and Dan stepped through the door to meet his destiny.
"No hostiles detected."
"Inform the master?"
"Hold position. Maintain defensive posture."
"Complying."
Rice's personal guards were the elite of his organization. Quite possibly the most formidable soldiers ever developed on Equestrian soil, they were fully-armed and armored with weapons designed and made by Rice himself. Iron Man-like in appearance but able to deflect any energy blast- be it magic or technological, they were Magic Gear soldiers, designed and trained and programmed to be the most efficient enforcers for Rice's army. The fact that there were so few of them was only due to his severe lack of resources.
These were the APE-X troopers, Advanced Personal Enforcers. The "X" stood for X-treme. Rice planned on marketing them if they were successful, though the best models he would keep for himself. The dog tribe he elevated from squalor to civilization had also been subjected to his cruel experiments. Special systems in the helmets of their suits suppressed their natural bodies in many ways, making them less-susceptible to pain, fear, or distractions like their own need to eat and sleep.
"Movement detected."
"Unable to acquire target."
"Suppressing fire."
"Complying."
The APE-X armor suit's primary weapon system combined traits from some of the best sci-fi weapons. When you had so many at your disposal, why pick just one? Rice had combined blasters from Star Wars, phasers from Star Trek, pulsars from BattleStar Galactica and the Needlers from Halo all into one easy-to-use weapons package that coincidentally looked pretty much identical to Mega Man's buster. However, because this story is primarily based on Hasbro toys, the lights and sounds they made were ripped right from the original G.I. Joe cartoon.
All four of the dog super troopers fired at Dan. But he just stepped back into the smoke. The dogs stopped firing.
"Target lost."
"Unable to reacquire target."
"Maintain defensive position?"
"..."
"Sir?"
"Engage active surveillance."
"This course of action is inadvisable."
"Proceed."
"Complying."
The closest two dogs, weapons still drawn, stepped forward. They approached the smoke, still thick, but were unable to make out Dan. Stormtrooper smoke grenades were designed to obscure visual and electronic sensors, so the dogs were effectively blind. Dan did not know that. However, he didn't need to know that.
The first dog was at the edge of the smoke when Dan's arm reached out and grabbed him.
"Hostile! Target ac-CLKKKGGK!" The soldier was lifted off the ground as Dan's grip clamped around his metal neck. Dan stepped out of the smoke, holding the dog in midair. The others fired at him, fired everything they had at him but it was as if their lasers were absorbed before they hit him.
The metal around the dog's neck was thick, insulated, fortified and very well-made. Dan briefly admired the craftsmanship of the armored suit before he crushed the dog's neck in his hand. The metal may have been advanced, but Dan's grip was somehow stronger, crushing into the dog's windpipe. His eyes stared unblinking at his victim as the dog clawed and his hand helplessly.
The electronics on the suit exploded in a shower of sparks. More smoke exploded from the suit as Dan squeezed harder. The other dogs stopped firing, stunned into sheer horror as the human squeezed the very life out of their comrade, watching the dog's limbs abruptly fall slack, followed by the most sickening pop they'd ever heard.
Whatever humanity, identity, personality that Rice's machines had sought to bury suddenly came flooding back to the remaining dogs. They knew fear again, and there was no escaping it.
Dan tossed the dog to the side like a rag doll. The closest one hesitated, had been crouched to get a better firing angle at Dan but now realized too late that he was too close. He tried to get up but wasn't fast enough; Dan grabbed him. The remnants of courage caused his arm to raise to defend himself but there was no time. Dan shoved him into the wall and punched him in the face, punched him again, punched him so hard it smashed his muzzle off his helmet, revealing only a bloodied face behind it.
The other two, out of desperation fired at Dan. Dan grabbed the muzzle-less dog's body and used it as a canine shield. Some of the lasers bounced off the armor but at such close proximity, many got through. They exploded in pink-indigo bursts of smoke and light, riddling the poor dog and taking what was left of him.
Dan then threw the dog at the closest trooper. Metal clanged as the body collided into the third dog, clanging again as it knocked her down to the floor. Dog three attempted to get her fallen comrade off of her when Dan's boot came down on her head. A few kicks later and her struggles ended.
The final dog attempted to open the door.
"Master help! Please-" Dan grabbed him by the shoulder. "Please..." He would receive no mercy.
Dan grabbed the dog by the back of his neck and slammed him into the door. He slammed him multiple times until the door finally opened. He then slammed him into the door so hard it made an indent and the armored soldier stayed there.
The final door still hung on its hinges, barely. Dan stepped through the doorway into the control center of the moon base, the observation platform. As he expected, as he had hoped, as he had known, Rice was there. And the two faced each other once more.
The moon was both the source of Luna's immense power and her greatest prison. Only she and her sister knew the full extent, but the moon itself could not have been more perfect. Contained by her own magic inside the moon itself, she was still very aware of her circumstances. The rage and desire of Nightmare Moon to escape was ever-present, but so was the regret of Luna, the mare who simply wanted more time with her sister and her friends. Both those things weakened the magical seal on her until it finally was broken.
Guilt and innocence contained within the same body, within the same soul, irreconcilable yet inseparable. Unable to condemn, incapable of forgiving, the Elements could not maintain harmony... yet had to. And so, Nightmare and Luna were both banished to the moon. This action, this need for judgment more than anything else is why Dan was necessary. Because difficult, heartbreaking decisions did exist. They required the nerve, the steel, the ice to get what was done. It took a cold heart.
Now, that same decision would return a thousand years later. Again, it would come and require a heart of ice. The truth, like revenge, was best served cold.
"What the hell is this? What the HELL is this?!" Dan demanded.
Rice's gaze was fixed on the floor, pondering in some unseen pool that held the murky future. Slowly, his eyes raised to meet Dan, mouth slightly open in silent breath.
Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and Chrys were arrayed around him. Chrys held her hooves to her muzzle, shocked at the destruction behind Dan. It was only her reaction, the reaction of his girlfriend that gave Dan pause, that flickered a pang of doubt in his heart.
And the ponies were not the only ones among them. With the trio of powerful alicorns, one being a changeling queen but still kinda alicorn-ish, there was another human. Standing almost as tall as the mares themselves was a man in green armor, a man that radiated coolness around him, a man of raw nerve and steel. Someone Dan had met before. He stepped out in front of Rice and calmly clasped his hands in front of him.
"Hello."
Dan didn't know what to say back. Still didn't know what the hell he was looking at but he knew he didn't like it.
Cap, Chris, Phoenix and Jake and Dollars entered at that very moment. The two marines swept the rooms with their weapons but paused as soon as they saw the armored figure.
"The fu- Spartan?" Dollars said. "Is that a Mark-" the ODST stepped forward, but stopped when he felt his partner's gloved hand grip his arm. Dollars turned to see Jake just slowly shaking his head.
"Perhaps I should explain," Princess Celestia said. She came closer, mane as ethereal as ever, eyes heavy as ever, the same as she was on Equestria. Celestia was a mare that held the weight of worlds on her broad shoulders. She never made any effort to convey it; indeed, her effort was used only to convey how much others meant to her. Like a woman old before her time, energy more precious, yet still used to make others happy, to extend the olive branch and be strong for those that needed it. A leader, if ever there was one, a leader of not just a people and a nation but the soul of both combined.
And now, she broke the news to Dan.
"Chancellor Rice Puddinghead has surrendered, Dan. The war... the fighting is over."
Dan looked at her. Then looked to Rice. He still stood, no worse for wear, eyes unfocused but the rest of him unpunished. Surrendered? What trickery was this?!
The rest of them did not relax just yet either. Cap still gripped his shield, Jake and Dollars still gripped their MA5Bs, Chris is anti-mat rifle, still ready for anything. Yet nothing came.
"It is as her highness has said," the green figure said.
"You." Dan stomped up to the new man. "I know you."
"Master Rals Braddaig of the Jedi Council. We met on Mr. Colress's frigate, I believe."
"Outside the ruins, yes, I remember. Barro's space-Jedi-ninja-gaiden friend, what of it? Why the eff are you HERE NOW???"
The Jedi was imperceptible as well under his smooth helmet. His suit was armored and clearly built for space, enabling him to go anywhere. Out of all of them in this room, he was the only one who did not look out of place inside the moon base. And that made him look out of place.
"Master Rals has helped to negotiate peace between Rice and Equestria," Celestia continued. Concern was heavy in her eyes as she tried to convince Dan. "Rice has understood the error of his ways. He has surrendered to us and will be treated fairly. We can all go home now."
"We can all go home now?" Dan repeated. His breath became heavy. The words that he longed to say himself, that only moments before, mere MOMENTS before he was hoping he'd get to say now sounded like the foulest, most viscous bile in his ears. Were they even... was it even possible?
Dan swallowed. "What does he have to say? What does Rice have to-" he reached for Rice but the Jedi stopped him. With reflexes and overwhelming power that not even Dan could match, Dan's hand stopped before it came anywhere near Rice.
The Force was able to do a lot of things magic could do. It could summon various forms of energy, it could levitate and grip and push and pull and manipulate things with ease. It could even influence hearts, minds and emotions as magic could, and it did all this without producing an aura or conjuring a flash of light or smoke. To Dan, who was used to ponies and magic, it was anathema.
Magic produced auras that were unique to the pony that used it. It was personal, it was from the heart. The Force was similar, but colder, impersonal, like harnessing the wind to do a mechanical job. Magic compelled the wind, it begged of nature, it made deals and dealt with the physical universe and made friends, forging a bond that served as a bridge between possible and impossible, a bridge that was friendship itself. You could tell the pony from their magic because each spell felt different.
The Force just felt like an object, albeit an invisible one. It felt fake to Dan.
Dan stepped back. The green-suited Jedi now disgusted Dan with his very presence. Even as it calmed others, even his friends, Dan found his very presence offensive.
Captain America stepped forward. "Master... Bradd-egg, was it?"
"You can call me Brad if it's easier."
"Right, well, Brad? May I ask about the... details of your negotiation?"
The Jedi nodded. "It was indeed challenging. In the end, I was able to convince Chancellor Rice that peace was in all our best interests."
"TARDIS!!!" That was when the Doctor burst in along with Twilight and her friends. Doctor Whooves ran up to the familiar blue booth. He hugged the large contraption, embracing it like an old friend, which of course, it was.
"Ah, yes. We managed to retrieve Mr. Turner's replica as well," Braddaig said.
"Turner?" Whooves said. "I'm the Doctor. THE Doctor, remember? Doctor Whooves and Assistant, even if my assistant isn't here right now, I'm still-"
The Jedi slowly turned away. "At any rate, we have come to an agreement and hostilities have ceased."
"Hostilities?" Dan repeated. "Hostilities have... AGREEMENT? What exactly did you AGREE upon?"
"Dan," Celestia intervened again, "I know this may be hard for you to accept-"
"HE should be in CHAINS hurtling into the SUN for all he's done!" Dan declared. "NOTHING is over until that fucking piece of shit faces justice for what he's done!"
"Dan," Celestia started again, but was cut off.
"Justice," Rice said. He looked up at Dan again. He had been silent, utterly silent, apathetic until then, as if he didn't care what was going on. And he didn't. "I wanted justice. I wanted my son back."
"You wanted-" Dan felt like his eyes were going to turn red and explode. "JUSTICE? You wanted EVERYTHING at OUR expense, of our LITERAL DEAD BODIES. You were willing to destroy TWO WORLDS to get your son back! Yes, what happened to you and your kid sucks, but you put us through hell, tried to MURDER US, tried to murder BILLIONS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE. There is NO JUSTICE for the kind of shit you pulled!!"
"I told you he wouldn't listen," Rice said to the princeses.
"Don't talk to them! You're talking to me!!"
"This is not justice." The words silenced everything else. Not for what they were, but for who they came from- Phoenix Wright. "Sorry, I mean, OBJECTION!"
Everybody stopped to look at him. Which made him nervous. (I guess I... okay, I'm gonna keep going.)
"Dan is right, your majesties. The victims of Chancellor Rice deserve justice for what they have suffered. Innocent ponies have lost their homes, their jobs, their livelihood, been separated from their family members and their entire lives upheaved for what he's done."
"They have," Celestia said. "Including the Chancellor himself."
And that comment turned pretty much everybody against Princess Celestia. Dollars raised his rifle, as did Chris, both men now considering dropping Rice right where he was. If he got away again, how much more damage could he do? It wasn't right to see him just leave. They did not act on these impulses, but they were there.
"Short controlled bursts, go for the kneecaps," Dollars said. Chris and Jake nodded.
"Enough," the Jedi said. With a wave of his hand, their weapons were lifted into the air. Even Captain America's shield. They were totally disarmed. "There is no need for further violence."
Dan drew his desert eagle, Burt Gummer's desert eagle. "No. There IS a need for justice. For retribution. FOR REVENGE!!!"
Rice made no move to defend himself. "Let him do it."
He pulled the trigger. *BAM!*
But the bullet barely even made it out of the barrel of the gun before it stopped in midair. Its momentum and energy sapped by a colorless energy, it fell to the floor, spent and wasted. So Dan fired again, emptied the clip all at Rice's head. But not a single round came anywhere near him. The magazine ejected from the gun and fell amongst the spent rounds.
"There has been enough violence," Celestia reiterated.
Twilight Sparkle stepped forward. Was she on Dan's side or Celestia's? Some may have been uncertain, but truly, those that knew Twilight already knew. "What happens to Rice now?" she asked, questioning her mentor.
That was when Princess Luna finally said something. She took to the center of the room, commanding all their attention. "Chancellor Rice is to be released, as are all the prisoners. His assets will be used to repair any damages to the lives and property that have been harmed due to his actions."
"What OF the damage?" Phoenix protested. "Billions of people and ponies and other creatures- more beings than we could count in a day have been hurt because of him! Their homes have been destroyed-"
"Their homes have been restored," Celestia said. "Equestria has returned to us, thanks to Dan. The lives we had there are ready for us to reclaim them at last... if only we let them."
"I..." Twilight paused. "Is that even possible?" What they'd wanted, what they'd hoped for and what they'd dreaded could never be finally was here. Equestria out the window was there, back to the way it was, as beautiful and shining as ever, waiting for them. Twilight felt her heart long for that place, long for Ponyville and its soft earth beneath her hooves, the warmth of the sun and the cool of the pegasi-made breeze. Her heart yearned for it to be back.
She turned back to Dan. "Is that even..."
Dan said nothing. His face, more tired and distraught than she had ever seen it, told her all she needed to know. She looked up at Phoenix, whose expression told her the same. Before she could make a decision, Rice spoke again.
"Your world. Your Equestria. You wanted justice? That's it," Rice declared. "You look at that world and you see your friends. Your families. I see... I see my son's death. A thousand years ago, an innocent colt with a bright future. The future of my family, dead and buried, forgotten. My world died a long time ago... and any life I had a long with it."
"You threatened," Phoenix's fists were balled, "SO MANY LIVES-"
"Then kill me, lawyer! End my life right here, right now! You'd be doing me a favor. I feel nothing... I barely sleep," Rice muttered. His voice quivered, but he had no tears to weep. "The times I do, I'm haunted by the life I had with my little boy. My little pony... son. You love the 'magic of friendship' so much but it's been nothing but cruel to me my whole life. I have no reason to live."
"Is that what the TARDIS was for?" Colress asked. He snuck in at the back of the room and was a bit more emotionally stable than the others.
Rice nodded. "I... I don't-"
"The same way Dan had used the Genesis Device to restore Equestria, Rice was attempting to use Doctor Whooves' TARDIS to restore his son," the Jedi explained. "Magic alone requires outside help at times- and this can be accomplished through summoning magic, or other means. Where there is a will, there's a way."
"But there's no way to get my son back," Rice said.
"Why?" Twilight asked. More curious than anything else.
"It wouldn't be my Vice Grip," Rice said.
Rals nodded. "Indeed. Rice's goal was always to get his son back and create a new universe, a universe where his son had never been killed. But it would not change this universe."
"Wait," Dan piped up, "so the thing that made him give up all his crazy, stupid, bullshit maniacal mad-scientist garbage ruthless evil science-y worthless FUCKERY is the FACT THAT MULTIVERSE THEORY IS A THING?!?!"
"Does it really matter?"
"YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!"
"But actually no," Pinkie said. And everybody slowly turned to her. "I forget the multiverse is a thing sometimes, too. What?"
"You wanted fairness, this is it. You wanted things to go back to normal, you wanted all your little friends back, you have them," Rice said. "You have the world you wanted. And I have nothing, exactly how you wanted it."
But not the way he wanted it.
"That's not," Dan stopped, pinched his eyes closed hard, shaking with fury. "That's not good enough. You could come back, you pull some other bullshit! This... this isn't right!"
"He should be in prison," Cap said.
"Yeah," Phoenix agreed. Dollars and Jake, as well as Redfield agreed.
"He's too dangerous to just let go."
"Imprisoning him won't solve the problem," Celestia said, turning to Luna. Luna's gaze was stern and steely, but melted for just an instant when met by her sister. "We will not make the same mistake again."
"This ISN'T the same mistake! This is a newer WORSE mistake!"
"Enough," the Jedi said again, louder and firmer than last time. "There will be no more violence. Both sides have come to an agreement and it will be honored. You have all lost much, but in order to move on, you must let go your hatred."
Dan shook. "I'm here... I'm HERE BECAUSE of my HATRED!!"
"No," Chrys said. "You're here because of your friends. The ones you helped and the ones you worked for." She walked up to him. His anger, his hatred, for all it was, it diminished as she wrapped her hooves around him.
"I CAN BE HERE BECAUSE OF TWO THINGS!!" Dan protested angrily.
Everyone joined in in hugging him. "No. You're here because of all these things."
"I..." Dan hugged his ponies. He hugged his Phoenix. He hugged his Cap and his Chris and even his ODSTs- well, they haven't been here for a while but hey, more the merrier. Everybody hugged them. Dan hugged them back, for just an instant, his anger subsiding.
And then it came back. "NO!" he pushed them off him, exploding them backwards in a rage. He walked right up to Rice. The Jedi moved to intercept, but Rice held up his glove to stop him.
Dan grabbed the other glove. Rice's right hand. He yanked it off the pony's foreleg, leaving his hoof bare. He said nothing.
Rice looked back, unfeeling, barely caring. Only the slightest hint of rival hostility remained in his eyes, that of a contemptuous opponent whom had fought him time and again. Dan still said nothing. He squeezed Rice's gauntlet in his single hand, squeezed it so tightly that the metal bent.
The gauntlet, sturdy and strong as it was, sophisticated as it was, shook in Dan's grip. Rice stared back at him, unflinching. Then, Dan's grip crushed the glove, squeezing it harder than should've been possible, an impossible strength that bent and peeled back the metal near the fingers. It exploded like his dogs' armor, sparking electronics spilling forth as the thing crumpled in his hand.
For all the time it had taken Dan and friends to finally reach the moon, to finally reach their friends, the return to Equestria was quite quick. Perhaps, after all they had endured, fate deigned to show them a mercy. It took a few hours to free all of their friends and everyone that had been held captive by Chancellor Rice, but they made sure to get everyone and everypony. Thankfully, none of them were missing nor worse for wear.
Well, almost none of them.
Dan remained quiet. The princesses were exhausted- Twilight from having used so much of her magic just getting there and Luna, Celestia and Cadence from being drained. Rice had siphoned a lot of magic from the princesses in their frozen state to power his time portal. In the end, he had almost succeeded in creating a new Equestria. Almost.
Imperial shuttles, courtesy of Grand Admiral Thrawn, helped to ferry the freed ponies back to Ponyville. Many of them were eager to resume their lives right where they'd left off. Another clear mercy: Equestria was waiting for them, just as they had left it. Every shop, every building, every blade of grass and grain of sand and wisp of cloud from pole to pole was waiting for the ponies and indeed others to return. Return, they did.
Doctor Whooves was happy to show off his TARDIS. With the last ponies on their way back via shuttle, he treated Twilight, princesses and friends- and his faithful companion Derpy, to a Whovian-style return to Equestria.
"Ahh, there we are. Excellent work, Derpy- everything good on your end?"
"Yup! All the chronometer doohickery-thingies are-" Derpy banged her hoof on a gauge. The needle righted itself. "-right where they should be!"
The TARDIS disappeared from the moon and reappeared over Equestria.
"That should do it. Home again, as they say."
"Great. Because after ALL this horseshit, you should all be thankful I haven't tried t-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"
Literally over Equestria; the TARDIS appeared in the sky severl-thousand feet above the clouds.
"I thought you said it was WORKING, Derpy?" Doctor asked.
Derpy, fluttering above one of the all-important chronometers, flipped upside down. "Ohh, sorry. I was reading it upside down."
"But you're upside down now."
"I know. Because I thought the doohickey was."
"Ahh. Yes. The doohickeys do seem like that sometimes."
"I got it," Rainbow Dash said. She bolted out the door and down to reach Dan before he reached the surface. Doctor Whooves, meanwhile, shut the door behind her and the TARDIS disappeared again.
"WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!?!" Dan asked as he fell.
Rainbow Dash sped towards him at her usual lighting speed. She yawned a bit and had to shake off some jetlag; being trapped in a blister pack for so long took a lot out of a mare, even a speed demon like her. So Dan fell through the cloud layer before Rainbow finally caught him.
Dan even fell through Cloudsdale. Pegasi were already starting to celebrate- some were throwing around and bucking giant beach balls and frisbees. It was always a sunny day in Cloudsdale, so there was a big beach vibe most of the time. Finally, Rainbow Dash caught Dan and let him down right on the ground in Ponyville, coincidentally near the street lamp he twirled on the first time he came to town.
"You doing okay, Dan?"
"No... yes... physically fine, everything else, no, no, no, no, NO!" Dan yelled. The TARDIS appeared right behind him as he did and out stepped Twilight, Phoenix, Chrys and friends.
"Dan, what's wrong?"
"EVERYTHING!! EVERYTHING IS WRONG!!" He exclaimed.
"COMEBACK PARTAYYYYYYY!" Pinkie Pie yelled. Somehow, despite not having anything with her when she'd entered the TARDIS, Pinkie Pie stepped out of the TARDIS in full party gear.
"SHUT UPPPP!!" Dan yelled back at her. This was in the middle of another one of her
"COMEBACK PARTAAAAYY-" so she corrected herself mid-cheer and said, "is postponed until later this evening. Everypony's invited!"
Dan huffed, standing, panting, his arms slack, as if a thousand-pound weight was on his back. "Everything... this wasn't-"
"And everybody else, too!"
"This wasn't supposed to happen," Dan said. He looked around. It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining brightly, the temperature was perfect, everyone was opening up stores and shops and getting back to their lives. Many were just enjoying the chance to be outside in the fresh air and sunshine. Families and couples and groups of friends talked and laughed and trotted and played more enthusiastically and happier than usual, which was saying something for this town.
All except Dan.
Twilight knew what was going on. As did Phoenix and Chrys, Dan's closest friends. They had been with him through most of it and had a good idea of what he was thinking.
"You're not... you're not at least a little happy that things are back to normal?"
"NO!" Dan quickly yelled. But then followed up with, "I mean... this isn't right. THIS ISN'T RIGHT!!"
"What's wrong?" Fluttershy made the mistake of asking directly. To her credit, she acted instinctively when animals were in distress and her instinct was to help said animal. Dan kind-of looked like a smaller, less-hairy upset bear, to her at least. And he actually smelled like a bear at times as well, whether it was because of a revenge plot involving honey
"WHICH THE LAST ONE DID!"
-Yes, which the last one did, or some other reason. But back to Fluttershy's question, Dan answered with,
"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG??!!" Dan stomped up to her, filling the yellow pegasus with instant-regret. Like instant coffee only disappointing. "EVERYTHING is wrong. I was SUPPOSED to BEAT VICE GRIP. TO A PULP."
"Well," Applejack piped up. Mane Six are not making great decisions here today. Give 'em a break, folks, they just got done being kidnapped by an idiot.
"AND THAT IDIOT IS STILL AT LARGE AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED."
"You DID kinda beat Vice Grip, though," Applejack said. "He woulda still had all of us trapped if y'all hadn't risked life and limb and... EVERYTHING to save us! Dan, you saved everypony in Equestria!"
"Most of them, anyway," Rarity said. A few chiding glares prevented her from commenting further.
"He did save everypony," Chrys said. "All of us. Multiple times. She wrapped her hooves around her boyfriend's shoulders, hugging him as only loving marefriend bughorse could.
"He did," Phoenix nodded. "I was there for most of it. We all had a hand in saving Equestria but none more so than Dan. I wouldn't be much of a lawyer at all if I didn't defend that fact- Dan's sacrifices outweigh all of ours. Without him, we would not have Equestria or all our friends back."
Dan's gaze was firmly fixed on the ground, but even then, it's like his eyes were shaking. He couldn't focus on any one thing because it made him angry. And the fact he could not focus on things made him angry. And the fact that he couldn't do anything about it made him angry. And the fact that he hadn't brought Rice Prick to justice made him angry. And the fact that he was angry made him angry. And the narrator spouting redundancies made him-
"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! AAA! AAA! AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAA. HAAAAA!!!" Dan shouted. It was like he was stuck, unable to fully move on from this point or even in this position. So he flailed. He grabbed the street lamp and nearly broke it in half.
"EVERY. THING. IS. WRONG. NOW." When he started biting it, Twilight thought that a good time to pry him off.
"We just fixed the planet. Now, just as we've got everything back together, he's trying to break it again," Rainbow said.
"AND. I. WILL. WITH. ENOUGH. TIME. RRRRRRRRR."
Twilight levitated Dan off the lamp post. "Dan, I'm sorry." But he didn't get up right away; he sat on his knees where she put him down. "I know things didn't go..."
"You... you were there, Twilight. You know this isn't right- how could you... how could we..."
"I..." Twilight realized something. She hadn't fully agreed with the Princesses' decision, nor disagreed with it. She hadn't known what to do and when she didn't know what to do, she asked a question, she sought knowledge, but Princess Celestia had been one of her greatest sources of knowledge. What do you do when knowledge doesn't give you an answer?
Phoenix sighed. "We were all there, Dan. I told the princesses... well, it wasn't justice what they were doing."
"Twilight, why didn't you say anything?" Dan asked her. His eyes were full of tears. A pang of regret hit Twilight.
"I... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Dan I-"
"It would not have done any good." A different voice, but one they knew, appeared behind them. One not normally seen in the daytime- Princess Luna. Her expression was usually stern, towards others or something in particular, especially when she was acting in her official regard as a Princess of Equestria, but there was just a hint of contemplation about her, a hint of consideration in her eyes. It was as close as she had ever come to sympathy for Dan.
"My sister's mind was made-up before you arrived. She feared that our actions with Chancellor Rice, if measure improperly, if they were in any way-"
"Oh, get off it, sister," Dan suddenly lashed out. "She's felt guilty ever since zapping your blue ass to the moon. Even when she came back, I mean- when you did, when you got back, she's still weepy and sad-eyed whenever you enter the damn room! You were afraid of making the same mistake, and you made an even bigger one!"
The gasps could not be understated. That Dan would talk to a princess, that he would talk that way to Princess Luna in public, was unprecedented. Unthinkable. It could've merited punishment, it could've merited banishment, it was simply NOT done to speak to royalty that way and yet he had. It was expected Luna would be even more severe at the very least but
Luna's eyes were saddened. So were Chrys's.
"Now, you and Rice, and the princesses... you all share a similar pain," Twilight said. "Something has happened. Something wrong. It has created a wound in the past, in your past. In the very fabric of your history itself. And there is nothing we can do about it."
"NO," Dan declared. "There IS something we can do about. Rice, he's out there. And he still-"
"There's something you don't know," Luna said. She still sounded saddened. "Rice was not just trying to get back his son. He was trying-"
"To avenge him," Phoenix said. They were all silenced. They looked, ponies and humans and otherwise, to Dan, to Luna, between them both.
"I KNOW!" Dan yelled. "That doesn't give him an excuse to do all the shit he did! He threatened the planet-"
"He was trying to get revenge on us because of a cover-up."
"BUT! You weren't even involved! You were still out doing... whatever it was-"
"We knew about the cover-up," Luna finally said.
Dan stopped. Even Twilight gasped at that statement. Luna's head sunk low. She was ashamed.
"We... we found out shortly after Vice Grip returned. We did not know who he was exactly-we, we didn't do anything. We dispatched Discord to apprehend him after the Christmas incident," Luna explained. "I looked into his dreams. He was using the identity of his dead son to throw me off, to confuse me. To obfuscate his true goals, because he knew we would find out about him. We never deduced he was truly Rice Puddinghead, but we did discover the cover-up. And we didn't do anything about it."
Dan was done. He silently turned around and walked away. A shuttle carrying the Golden Oakes Library flew overhead, returning the library back to its rightful place in the ground. The roots took hold almost immediately, the tree back to its happy place in comfortable soil. Dan entered and slammed the door. They should've been thankful he didn't arm the security system.
"Why?" Phoenix finally asked.
Luna sighed and shook her head. "I do not know."
"When you have such power... making a decision, or not making one, can have a more profound impact than you realize," Twilight said. "Sometimes not doing something makes you feel safer. Removing yourself from the situation so that you don't make the wrong choice."
"You could have APOLOGIZED to him a LONG time ago," Phoenix Wright said. "Would it have made a difference? Probably not, but by doing nothing you made yourselves an easier target. You put the entire planet into jeopardy and that man," he said, pointing to the treehouse, "is the only one who dared to do anything about it."
"What's she saying?" "I dunno. Something about a cover-up." "The princesses were in some kind-of cover up!" "Dan was the one who saved us." "The princesses betrayed Dan!!"
Other ponies were beginning to talk. Luna's eyes darted from pony to pony- pegasi flying, unicorns and earth ponies whispering, a griffon looking over her shoulder as she loaded a cart, probably Gabby.
Twilight turned around. "Enough. Now is not the time to place blame- on ANYpony. We've ALL suffered here and we are not going to perpetuate that suffering. Now is the time to rebuild."
"And PARTAAAAAAYYY!!" Pinkie exclaimed. "I'm sorry. I was just at Sugar Cube Corner- had to make sure it was still there. Whaddid I miss?"
"We will do our best to make this right for Dan. For all of us," Luna said.
"That's right, we will!" Twilight declared. "So please, all of you... let us work together to rebuild Equestria. Together, we can do anything!"
"What's to rebuild? Everything's already fixed."
That was the only comment that was made. Everypony quietly resumed their activities.
"Party?" Pinkie asked.
"Alright, fine. I could use a chance to unwind anyway- let's have a party!" AJ shouted. This was followed by the other Mane SIx, and Chrys, and Luna went after them. Although they barely had the energy for dancing, singing or other forms of merriment, they all went to Sugar Cube Corner anyway, just happy to be together.
Twilight and Phoenix fell back from the group as they walked.
"It is nice that we're all together again. At least there's that."
Twilight sighed. "For how long, though? The next big disaster might be... just around the corner, waiting to break everything apart again."
Phoenix nodded. "I know. Things are uncertain like that, on Earth and Equestria. We have to savor the moments we have together. And when uncertainty happens, we face it together."
"Indeed, Nick. I suppose... do you think Dan is going to be okay?" She looked back to the library. The lights were off, even though Dan was still there. "Do you think Dan will accept the princesses' decision? To forgive Rice?"
Phoenix folded his arms and sighed. "I don't know. But... in a way, problems are like bombs. We can try to distance ourselves from them, we can try our best to diffuse them, but if we ignore them, they usually go off. The most dangerous kind, however, are that get buried. You never know when they're going to go off."
Pinkie Pie's party cannon exploded. Twilight knew that whatever else she had to say, whatever else she thought at that moment, about Dan, the princesses or the future, she would have to bury it. It would have to be buried... for now.
Next Saturday on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship... things go back to normal.
"I'd like to order a palette of TNT."
"TNT doesn't come in palettes."
"No- I know, just put a bunch of TNT on a palette."
Normal* *for this crazy bunch of idiots
"Everything is under control. Everything is also on fire, BUT under control."
As life in Ponyville returns to the way things were, some people have difficulty adjusting.
"I WILL GIVE YOU MY TWO-CENTS!!"
By someone, we mean Dan.
"You're suffering from PTSD."
"That's... weird. I usually make other people suffer from that."
"We've noticed."
Next time, insanity comes home.
"I've got it! We'll just redo EVERYTHING!!"
"Please start with that thought."
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled program.
"I'M NOT CRAZY- I'M JUST A GUY WITH TWO CHAINSAWS! THAT'S NOT CRAZY!!!"
Episode 21: Dan Vs. Errands. Next Saturday, the greatest challenge for Dan IS Next Saturday. Old-fashioned crazy makes a comeback in Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
Connections were in place. Power levels were nominal. Magical energy flowed from the twin Markers into the TARDIS, just as they should. Everything was perfect, as perfect as they could be. It would work. It had to work.
Rice stepped back and checked the figures one last time. He was still a scientist, scientists tested and then retested and made certain before proceeding. Everything came down to simple formulas. Magic had been a grey area to him but now, he was able to harness it just as easily as electricity. It just required the right tools and the right knowledge. That's all it took.
That's all it took, right?
He shook away the doubt. His heart pounded in his chest. Around him, on the observation platform were the statue forms of Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and the one called Chrys. Or, the one they called Chrys. It all seemed so simple, what the Director had told him. The entire world of Equestria was a work in progress; that's why things form other worlds had such an easy time getting here. The Fausticorn had LET the ponies have the ability to complete what she left them. That's the real reason she wasn't here.
This wasn't just another Equestria. After eons of creating, destroying and recreating in the search of perfection, they had finally found it. That's the real reason why the Fausticorn had left them all. This was as close as she could come. This was not just another version of Equestria; this was the last one.
"I'm coming, Vice. Daddy is... coming home."
He raised the remote to activate the machines connected to the TARDIS. His gauntlet trembled. Shook, as if it was a real hand trembling, which it was not. It was metal reacting to the impulses from the nerves in his foreleg which it wrapped around, a simple but advanced response to stimulation. It was programmed to respond to conscious stimulation, not unconscious impulse- he had made it to obey him, not nature, nothing else.
His finger wavered. He felt sweat bead on the side of his face.
"There's always going to be doubt."
Rice turned. He had been alone before, but that figure, that infernal man appeared again. The damn knight again. The self-described 'negotiator.'
"You're so close to the end. Why hesitate?"
Rice turned around again. "I'm not explaining myself to you."
And the Jedi appeared directly in front of him. "You already have. You've explained yourself, multiple times to me, to Dan, to everyone." The Jedi's hands were clasped behind his back. The armored figure, the black curved helmet he wore, he was outwardly calm but might as well have been an obelisk in front of him, a pillar of an obstacle.
"Get away from me. Begone, whatever the hell it is you are! You're not going to convince me to stop this." He swung at the Jedi, as he had before. He expected his hands to go right through the man, as they had before, but not this time. Rals caught his hand and held it.
Rice's hand was still shaking.
"I don't have to," the Jedi said.
He ripped his hand out of the Jedi's grasp. "What're you... what are you talking about now?"
Rals stepped away. "I'm not of this place. Equestria isn't my home, but I know of this room. It's similar to ones I've seen before. And it's from Earth."
Rice had had enough. He pressed the button. The sequence activated. The controls he'd fixed to the side of the TARDIS activated. Magic flowed into and around the device. The doors of the blue police box opened. Not to the inside of the TARDIS; that was protected by the Doctor's own security system. But the energy and power of the TARDIS, its capabilities had been harnessed around it, and now when the doors opened, they opened a doorway to the past.
Ponyville over a thousand years ago appeared in the door. The world Rice knew, more vibrant and colorful than he had ever imagined was there. He would go there and he would save his son. How, he did not know entirely, but he would create the world he wanted. He would have his son back. Together, they would return to the Golden Oakes Library and be a family again. They would have their future together.
"It works... it actually works," Rice said.
The Golden Oakes Library, his version of it, appeared in the doorway. Home.
Home.
"The Fausticorn didn't build this place. This observation platform? It's actually from Florida. It's part of the International Space Station," Rals continued.
Rice stepped forward.
"She put this place here, on the moon so she could better see her work. It gave her perspective and allowed her to be comfortable. Even gods like to feel comfortable," Rals said.
Fists balled, Rice approached the TARDIS.
"They are similar to us, after all. Well, this one in particular, at least is similar to you. She created you in her own image. So she would better understand you. And so you would be understand her."
He placed his hand on the edge of the TARDIS. It still trembled.
"And so you would understand her limitations."
Rice lifted his foot to take the first step into the past. And he stopped.
The door to the Golden Oakes Library opened in the image. His son trotted out, nearly stumbled on his prosthetic. Rice felt his heart stop. His mouth hung open but he did not breathe, did not blink. It had been so long since he saw his baby boy. Too long. He couldn't move.
"Vice..."
And then he saw himself. Not how he was now, but how he had been. A simple sandy-colored stallion, a librarian and a chancellor, a leader and inventor and discoverer of things, but most of all a very loving father. A dad.
The other Rice in the portal knelt down to help his son reattach the prosthetic hoof to his foreleg. Vice had been born with short forelegs, an unfortunate deformity and birth defect. Rice had worked hard but eventually built a set of prosthetic hooves for his son. They even horseshoes and Vice had liked picking out the colors for them.
It was hard, but he could just make out the color of the shoe he wore.
"He liked the blue ones. Blue was his favorite color- he, he liked the blue ones the best," Rice said. He blinked the tears out of his eyes, his entire face trembling. Rice hadn't even noticed he'd been crying but the tears streamed down his face and hit the cold ground.
"He did," Rals said. The Jedi appeared right behind him to place a hand on his shoulder. "You got him multiple colors at the shoe store. He picked them out himself, remember?"
"Yes," Rice said, bawling. He turned away from the portal, overcome with emotion. The memories of his son flooded him, overwhelmed him. He grabbed the Jedi's hand, smiling but crying at the same time.
"You remember the day you took him? The night before you'd-"
"I surprised him with the hooves, yes I did! I remember it- it was after dinner!" Rice said, nodding emphatically. "You should've seen how happy he was- I should've waited, he- he wanted to use them right away and he played and ran even though it was so late. I was scared, afraid they'd break or the screws would let loose but they didn't, they held up even as we galloped together and they were so much better than the ones I'd made when he was younger..."
Rals nodded. The Jedi was able to read Rice's mind and his memories, able to sense everything about him. As if a coincidence, his helmet reflected the portal behind him.
"And the next day, you let him pick out his own horseshoes. He picked out six different colors, didn't he? One for each day of school and an extra pair for Saturday."
"He did, he did!" Rice said through tears. Of sorrow or joy, a mixture of both maybe, they fell just the same. "He was so excited for the first day of school the next day, he... he..."
"He nearly fell when he trotted out the door," Rals said.
Rice nodded. "He did. I..." He sniffed, and turned back to the portal. The Rice in it helped his son re-attach the shoe to the bottom of the prosthetic. They both hugged, and Rice walked his son to school. Vice was happy, so was Rice. He was the most handsome colt Rice had ever seen in his blue horseshoes, his favorites. They were off together on Vice's first day of school for that year.
"I walked him to Mr. Cheerful's school near the edge of town. Then, I went home... to work on my next project."
"The magnetic minecart system," Rals said. "To make it easier an faster for the miners to move ore and equipment."
"Yes," Rice said. "Worked on that one for a few days. The actual solution was simple, really."
"Yes, just a rotating magnet on the front of and back of each cart. That way-"
"That way they could attach them to the other carts or repel them as necessary," Rice said, smiling.
They were silent for several moments. The Markers continued interacting with the generators and the TARDIS. The portal to the past remained stable. Together, the two strangers just watched the image of the past. Not a sound was made as images of the old Ponyville played out. Rice remained almost stunned, watching his own memories through the doorway in time.
"Do you think your son would recognize you now?"
Rice opened his mouth, but he didn't say anything. He knew what the answer was.
"Do you think you would recognize yourself?"
"I... no," Rice said.
"You could easily step through that door. But you'd change it the moment you did," Rals said. "The moment you did, you'd be creating another universe. The one you wanted, maybe."
"Yes," Rice said.
"But not yours."
Rice's felt himself breathe again.
"That's a door to the past. But the moment you change it, it stops being your past. It'll be another Vice Grip, another Rice, another world entirely. It won't change this world at all."
His fist balled. "I don't WANT this world. I want a new one, a better one where my son was never murdered."
"What about him?" Rals nodded towards the portal. "You'll be changing his world. Might even make it better. But it won't be your son. And it won't be you."
"I..." Rice stopped. His hands trembled again.
"That boy still has a chance for a few more years with his father. You sit foot in that world, it changes everything, every part of it."
"I..."
"Do you really want to rob him of that?"
The portal showed the sun setting on a beautiful Ponyville day. The town was bathed in an orange glow. It was another day in another universe. So beautiful, so picturesque. As beautiful as anything else in the past, in his memories. He knew that's where it would stay. Where it had to stay.
Rice pressed the button and the portal vanished.
"You win. I... I surrender."
An explosion rocked the base. Dan and his friends were approaching.
Jerry Seinfeld was perplexed. He often found himself perplexed at least once or twice a day. His fascination with the nuances of the mundane and ordinary affairs of life provided much material for him as a stand-up comedian. He didn't have to make things up- he just had to observe things and life would do the rest.
Unfortunately, those perplexing observations often annoyed him. For instance, the current two perplexing observations had names: Kramer and Elaine.
"So tell me again- why is it you're both here?"
"Well me, I got no place to be," Kramer said. Both he and Elaine were friends of Jerry, close friends. So close in fact that Kramer resided in the apartment across the hall from Jerry.
"Now that clearly is not true," Jerry said. "You HAD some place to be. You WERE some place before you came HERE. I'm pretty sure you could find OTHER places to be."
"He says he's got no place to be, he's got no place to be," Elaine said. They were both watching t.v. on Jerry's couch. Jerry had dated Elaine before and they were still friends. Elaine had a knack for simplifying things, being direct, much to the dismay of anyone who had ever disagreed with her.
"And what about you? Why exactly are YOU here, occupying MY couch? When I'm expecting company?"
Elaine shrugged. "Me, I got no place better to be."
"Oh, but I can think of many places better for you to be. Places like... your place. YOUR place, is in fact a better place to be. For you. Especially because YOUR place, is not MY place."
Still fixated on the t.v, Elaine winced at the idea of returning to her own flat. "Ehh. I'm here now."
"You two don't seem to realize exactly what I'm preparing for. Cherise is coming over and I'm trying to prepare things before she gets here."
"It's two in the afternoon! She won't be here til what, five-thirty?"
"Four-thirty!" Jerry countered. "She likes eating early!"
Elaine scoffed. "You're having dinner with the girl, not marrying her. Take her out some place."
"I don't wanna take her out some place! I wanna take her here so she doesn't get used to going out! If I take her out once, she'll start expecting to go out, it'll get expensive and then I'll be the one that has no place to be!" Jerry explained.
"Because you'll be homeless," Kramer said, staring at the television, popping another Junior Mint casually into his mouth.
Jerry went over to him and proclaimed, "You HAVE a home! So LEAVE for a few hours and come back later!"
"I'm sorry, Jerry. I can't do that."
"WHY. NOT???"
"Because. I got no place to be."
"Aaaaugh..." Just then, the buzzer to his apartment went off. Instinctively, Jerry went to press it.
"It's George."
"Yeah, come on up." George, another friend of Jerry's often dropped by for impromptu visits. It was such a ritual of buzzing him in that Jerry didn't stop to think it was going to add yet another perplexing annoyance to his current collection. He had time to realize this, and by the time George walked in the door, Jerry asked,
"Why are YOU here? I have a date with Cherise!"
"Cherise? Which one's Cherise?"
"It doesn't matter which one! I just need all three of you to LEAVE!" Jerry exclaimed.
George turned, head low, shoulders slack in shame. "I can't go back, Jerry."
"Don't tell me you have no place to be."
"I won't soon. I'm about to be evicted. Evicted, Jerry, evicted!!"
That news, more than anything else, piqued the interest of Kramer and Elaine. They both twisted around in the couch, suddenly losing all interest in the t.v that had been watching and instead focused entirely on George.
"What happened?"
"They're gonna find... the odor."
"The odor?"
"The odor," Jerry said, his tone heavy with sarcasm. "Oh dear heaven not the odor."
George spun. "Yes, Jerry. For the past month, there's been a smell in MY apartment and I can't... I can't place it. I've steam-cleaned, I've drycleaned, I've mopped, I've vacuumed, I had the maid come in and she mopped, she vacuumed."
"Not the maid."
"Yes, the maid!" George continued. "But it's still THERE, Jerry. It's a phantom, this stench, it's just... it won't go away. No matter what I do, it just WILL NOT go away. You have any idea how frustrating that is?"
Jerry folded his arms. "More than you know."
"Then you know what kind of trouble I'm in," George said. "So right now, for this moment, I have absolutely NO place to be."
"Well, have you tried-" And that line from Kramer began a neurotic tangent of neurotic suggestions followed by equally-neurotic dismissals from George. It was as if Jerry and all his friends had some sort of daily obsessive-compulsive disorder that involved the trivial minutia of day-to-day existence.
Jerry realized that getting his friends to leave his apartment was going to be a losing battle. For him, at least. Sighing to himself, he grabbed his coat and keys and left the apartment building.
Out on the street, he opened his cellphone. Odd that he didn't use it more often.
"Hey, Cherise. Yeah, it's me- hey, I was wondering if you wanted to get together sooner."
"Sure, I got no place to be."
"Terrific. Wait, really?"
*cue bass outro*
"People find this funny?" Dan asked, confused. "They're just... people, talking about the little issues of their lives. With obsessive emphasis and a laugh track. People really find this crap funny?"
"They did in the nineties," Phoenix said. "Seinfeld was one of the top-rated shows back then. Lots of people watched it." (I was actually more of a fan of Frasier.)
Dan turned off the t.v. "Only reruns on in the middle of the day, anyway. Figures." He slumped, arms folded, back sinking into the couch.
Phoenix looked up from the latest issue of the Ponyville Gazette. "Weren't you... around, during the nineties? You didn't watch much t.v?"
"I didn't. Mr. Mumbles did."
"Ah. She's your cat, right?"
"Yess," Dan said through slightly-gritted teeth. The thought of his cat and her likely-unfortunate circumstances was not something he wanted to be reminded of. There were a lot of things in that moment that he didn't want to be reminded of.
A pair of dark, perforated bughorse hooves wrapped themselves around Dan's eyes from behind the couch. "Hi boyfriend! Guess who?"
Dan sighed. "That is NOT how you play Guess Who."
"Really? Are you suuuuure?" the distinctive voice of Chrys asked him.
"That's... just stop it," Dan said, brushing the hooves off his face. Turning around to the couch, he saw both Chrys and Fluffle Puff, with Fluffle Puff holding a pair of fake Chrys hooves. "I'm not in the mood for any of this!!"
Chrys propped herself up on the couch. "I know, hon. But what's done is done. We can't change the past, we can just find better ways of dealing with it."
"Thpppth," agreed Fluffle Puff. Secretly, she knew that better than most of them. Her husband, Fuzzle Puff, walked up from their shared den in the basement.
"Thrrrrbb-thrrrrb-thrrrrrb."
"Thppppbbb?"
"Thrrbbb-thhh-thrrrrb."
"Thppp-thppp." Fluffle hopped off to take up her shift watching the little ones. The last members of their race, Fluffle and Fuzzle were caring for the next generation of flufflapons in the most convenient place of all- Twilight Sparkle's basement. With Daring Do's help, they had relocated the proto-puff ponies in their crystalline forms from the Badlands to Equestria, a very delicate and secretive process.
One of the Flufflapons, a green male they named Fraffle, was just now exiting the larval stage and beginning to walk on his own. A purple female they named Foofle was the same age but having a little difficulty walking. Hopefully in time, they would travel to other dimensions themselves to bring joy and snuggles and meet other flufflapons. If there were any left. Both Fluffle and Fuzzle knew how unlikely that was.
Chrys petted Fuzzle as he approached. His fluff was nearly identical to Fluffle's fur, only blue in color. Fuzzle was still new to all of them, but the scent of his wife was strong on all of them and so he had accepted being comfortable around them. They were like pets in some ways, even though they were vastly older and more knowledgeable than anypony else in Ponyville.
"That reminds me, we're going to need to make another ham run soon," Chrys said. Fuzzle's tongue began salivating at the thought of delicious ham, which was apparently the primary food source for fluffy ponies.
"I thought we had that setup to be delivered," Dan said.
"There's still some logistical problems Equestria is dealing with. Delivering food is one of them. Outside of pizza, that is," Phoenix reminded him.
"Figures," Dan said. And he hated saying the word 'figures.' Because it didn't really mean anything when you thought about it. At least, when he thought about it, which he tended to after saying the word 'figures.'
"Everything's gone wrong now. I hate it here. I hate Equestria. I HATE EVERYTHING!!" Dan shouted. "I can't STAND IT!!"
"I think you need a hobby," Phoenix said. "Might I recommend something that is non-violent, non-destructive and in no way involves anything illegal?" (Or anything involving law for that matter.)
Dan snarled. Sensing tension, Fuzzle barked in response. He wasn't as used to Dan's usual behavior as his wife was.
"Why don't you go outside, get some fresh air?" Chrys encouraged him. "Afterward, you can come back and spend some time with the fluffy ponies. I know they'd love to see you."
Twilight and Spike descended from the stairs. "We're back, everyone. How are things?"
"Fine," everyone except Dan said. Fuzzle Puff said "Thrrrmff," which meant 'fine.'
"Well, things could be better in Canterlot," Twilight said. She skipped the stairs halfway and flew down. So accustomed to her powers and abilities now that she had no problems flying and teleported from Ponyville to Canterlot and other places with ease. It still took a lot of energy, especially when teleporting others along with her but she was kind of tired of using the hot air balloon, especially because it kept crashing into Wubway. And because they couldn't find it.
"Everything seems to be back to normal, but stuff is... different," Spike said. "And there's still a few ponies that have gone missing."
"Missing? Who, exactly?" Phoenix asked.
Spike shrugged. "A few ponies here and there. Some just haven't shown up to work or usual places. But then they show up a couple hours later."
Twilight nodded. "We're not entirely sure but it maybe that everypony is just having a hard time readjusting."
Dan spun around. "That sounds odd to me. EVERYTHING is back to the way it was, perfectly the way it was, just as we left, AS IF we had never left and yet SOMEHOW ponies are just... having trouble getting back to it?"
"That seems to be the case," Twilight sighed. "It's been the same way in Zebropolis and Wingston."
"And the Crystal Empire," Spike added. "We haven't even had any contact from Saddle Arabia. Spooky."
"Has the princess sent anyone to investigate?" Dan inquired. "Someone preferably armed with a weapon, armor and at least half a brain?"
Twilight shook her head, and took a seat Lyra-style on the couch next to Chrys. "Not yet. We're still trying to get things accounted for, so until then, making long trips isn't safe."
"Uh huh," Dan said, unsure about that decision. "That's not how I would do things. Communication is a priority. Lack of it is one of the reasons why the planet blew up in the first place."
Twilight neither agreed nor disagreed with him. They both had to do what Princess Celestia told them, and so she just looked at him with a futile gesture in her eyes. So Dan continued speaking.
"This isn't the way things are supposed to be, Twilight! Things aren't supposed to just go back to normal-"
"Isn't that what we wanted?" Chrys asked.
"It's a figure of speech! We were supposed to LEARN from what happened, PROGRESS and IMPROVE using what we LEARNED. From our MISTAKES. And my- I mean our, glorious triumph over that FREAKING MANIAC THAT KIDNAPPED YOU ALL AND NEARLY DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE LIKE FIVE DIFFERENT TIMES!!!"
Again, no one argued with Dan. He'd been like this since they'd gotten back home a week ago. It had been difficult enough saying good-bye to Captain America, Chris Redfield and their other friends who had helped them on their journey. But they all had other places they had to be. Other universes that needed them. So they had one big farewell party hosted by Pinkie Pie and went their separate ways. And there's been less-obvious copouts in this story but hey, it is what it is.
"Anyway," Spike suggested, "there's some errands I need to run, so I'll be back later." The little dragon walked to the door. After what happened, he was acting more confident than most, and had been spending more time with Rarity.
"Okay," Chrys said.
"Wait," Dan stopped him, "I'm coming with you. I... like you all said, I need to get some fresh air. It will be... good for... me. Euuuagh."
"Alright," Spike replied. They walked out the door together, leaving the others in the comfort of the Golden Oakes Library.
Twilight turned on the television. "Ooh, Seinfeld! That show is so funny!"
Ponyville was as bright and shiny as ever. And Dan hated all of it. He grumbled, walking next to Spike, his fists tightly-balled and his teeth gritted.
"You should try to relax, Dan," Spike told him.
"I TRIED relaxing."
"No, I mean like, actually putting effort into it. Relaxing. Loosening up a bit," Spike said, making waves with his arms for emphasis.
"When did you become a life coach?"
"Heh, kinda goes with the role of sidekick," Spike answered. Truth be told, he had given Twilight a lot of useful advice over the years. And now, he was more confident than ever, after their adventure and getting to spend more time with Rarity. The heart wanted what it wanted, however great or small that was, and when it was achieved, it could make one feel as if they were on top of the world. Spike was on top of the world that very moment.
A group of pegasi zoomed in overhead, a large formation. Ponyville had not quite settled back into the way of things just yet. Things were rapidly returning to normal, but still had a ways to go. This became more evident when Dan and Spike tried to take the usual route through town.
"Huh. I guess we'll have to go around."
"Apparently," Dan said, annoyed. The road ahead- Sweet Street, the road that curved north-west from the Golden Oakes and up towards Sugar Cube Corner, was undergoing construction. Wooden barricades were blocking the way and ponies in hardhats were working behind them. Nothing major; the road had still been heavily damaged when the sea ponies invaded.
Dan's brow furrowed. Equestria had been restored exactly as it had been. Not just as it had been before the planet had been destroyed; as it had been before Dan had even arrived. Ponyville had been through a lot since he became involved and now, ponies had actually decided they liked some of Dan's improvements. Equestria had been restored according to its original design- the Fausticorn's original design. Dan's mark on the planet had been erased, yet his influence remained in the ponies.
Dan had destroyed and rebuilt most of Ponyville. The citizens actually liked his improvements enough to implement them again, and with haste.
"Hey-HEY!" one of them yelled. "Hey, Dan!"
Just as they had been turning around, one of the construction workers trotted up to them. "You want something?"
"Hey, were you guys tryin' ta get through? Let me move the barriers aside."
A bearded worker, the foreman if it was ever evident, made his way over. "Lewis, what are you- oh! It-it's you!"
"...Yes? Yes it is. I noticed that as well, it being me, and all. The hell is going on?"
"Oh, uh, we're just expanding the thoroughfare here! Sorry it's taking so long- hey, you guys wanna get through?"
The pair exchanged a quick glance. "Yeah. But aren't you guys-"
"Ey! Louie, Lewis, Lou, move the barricades. Just for a minute there." The foreman waved over a few ponies and had the barricades moved aside. "Just follow me. I'll get ya through here."
"Alright."
The foreman led them through. Wherever there were ponies working, they stopped. Some carrying equipment, some using equipment, one using a jackhammer while chewing gum had to be nudged in the shoulder to stop hammering. But when he looked up to see Dan and Spike- more specifically, Dan, walking through his construction site, he stopped chewing gum.
"So I was just asking Terry, why do we have to carry this girder? And he doesn't even know- we're just supposed to carry it across the street. This has nothing to do with roadwork at all, and you know what Terry says?" "I don't know what Terry says." "He says the higher-ups told him to! So now, you and me are stuck carrying this friggin' thing back and forth, just to emphasize this is a construction site. And I told Terry this, you know what Terry says?" "I don't know what Terry says." "He says it's a union thing! So I told Terry he can shove it up his-" "Hey! Look, it's Dan!"
"Hey, put that thing down. What are you two even doing with that?"
"Ask Terry."
"I don't know what Terry says," the foreman said, swatting away the suggestion. He beckoned Dan and Spike to come through with him. All around them, ponies were taking notice. The foreman let them through at the end of the construction site, another pair of ponies removing the barricades for them to pass and waving them on their way.
"Hey Dan!" "Dan, can I buy you a drink, ey?"
Continuing down the street, it was mostly the same. Even more so when they got close to Photo Finish's studio.
"No! No, no! Stop vith zee flashing, you amateurs! No!"
"Just keep walking. Maybe they won't notice us," Spike said. And then, Photo Finish herself galloped over to them.
"There goes that theory."
"Dan! Dan, how good it is to see you!" The silver-haired euro-photo-fashionista was all over Dan in an instant. She grabbed his arms, his shirt, examining him for length as he walked, too quickly for him to really get annoyed by it and backhand her but that was quickly becoming a reality as his irritation built.
"Dan, have you had your portrait taken? I promise you- for YOU, YOU ALONE, only my finest work," Photo said.
"Get lost, fraulein," he said, shaking her off.
Spike looked back, shrugged and apologetically waved at her as they departed. "You lasted longer than Hoity Toity did!"
Fashion was a major business in Equestria. It was one of the only major businesses; there were just fewer overall than there were on Earth. Fewer of just about everything, for better and worse. And because Dan didn't deal much with fashion, he hadn't been on the radar of many of Equestria's elites. Now, that was not the case, and with his status as a world-saving celebrity, there were many clamoring for his attention.
Some of the ponies in Photo Finish's photo hut began following Dan, at a somewhat safe-ish distance, becoming a pseudo-paparazzi group.
"WILL YOU PONIES LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!" Dan shouted. But a crowd of ponies now followed him and Spike, too busy talking amongst themselves about Dan to pay attention to Dan. Most of them were with friends that didn't want to leave without said friends, and because none of them left, none of them started to leave. The only leader there, for the moment, was Dan.
They were almost to the supermarket, their first stop. Spike looked back over his shoulder. "I guess they're really committed to following you," he said. When he turned back around, he saw Dan running. "Wait! Dan, where are you going?"
"AAAAAAAHHH GET AWAY FROM ME!!" Dan yelled. And ran. And the yelling and running only encouraged more ponies to look and follow him. Some didn't, some did, either way the crowd continued growing.
And then, suddenly, Dan split into three. Spawning from Dan's own shadow, the other Dans broke and ran in different directions. Spike stopped. When one of them ran past Dan, Dan stopped. The crowd, confused of what was happening but not paying attention, continued following the running Dans.
"Well now, someone's popular, aren't they."
"More popular than you right now. Isn't Fluttershy expecting you?"
The last of Dan's shadow turned into Discord. "She lets me off the leash now and then."
"It's not a literal leash, is it?" Spike asked.
Discord's eyes went wide for a moment. "At any rate, I couldn't help but notice your predicament. What neighborly sort would I be if I didn't help out a friend in need?"
Dan huffed and walked on without an answer. So Spike offered one. "He's not in the best of moods right now."
"Isn't that normal for him?"
"Not this kind of mood. Not really."
"Hmmm," Discord rubbed his chin. "Well, I suppose you can't blame a guy for trying."
Spike held up two talons. "Two things: he can and he will."
Discord started walking with him. He appeared next to Dan, mimicking his high-shouldered, fist-balled stomp through town. But then he stopped and floated in front of him.
"Get away from me before I make you wish you were stone again."
"I know why you're angry, Dan. Celestia doesn't exactly have the best track record for making good decisions, does she?"
Dan visibly de-tensed. "How exactly did YOU find out?"
"Me? I was there. With everybody else on the moon. We all saw it. And the ponies that didn't see it were told by the ones that did- how you shot yourself into space on a cannon, rode on a magic carpet through the stars following a comet as fireballs flew around you, jumped out of a star fortress with a legion of space knights, crashed upon the moon's surface, tamed a clan's worth of Ursas and fought your way through the palace guards of the moon, only to get to the evil chancellor's inner sanctum and have him give up before your very eyes. A heroic tale, if ever there was one."
Dan stopped. "What... it's not a CARPET... I mean, technically..."
Spike scratched his head. "It does kinda all sound cool when you say it that way. And I mean, it DID all happen."
"That's right. That's right it DID happen," Dan declared. "But now..."
Discord shrugged. "Seems a little pointless if they're just going to let the bad guy go after all that."
"You're one to talk," Spike countered.
"Ahh, you wound me, my little reptilian friend. But as many would point out, I happen to be reformed. As is somepony else you kno-" Dan grabbed Discord's muzzle before he could say another word.
"You come anywhere near me, my friends, my family and I..." but then he stopped. His grip on Discord relaxed. "I... I don't know what I'll do." It wasn't a threat. Dan felt anger ebb from him. What was the point in feeling something if there was no way to use that emotion, no way to express it, nothing to do about it at all except... accept it?
"You ARE torn up about this," Discord said, sounding serious. "Tsk-tsk-tsk. And I thought poor Luna was shaken up."
"What about Luna?" Dan and Spike asked simultaneously. In the background, the crowd was still chasing after another of the magic duplicate Dans. He jumped on top of a building, making the Super Mario jump sound effect as he did.
"Luna disapproves of Tia's decision as well. Twilight, well, she did not want to take sides and neither did Cadence. Shining Armor was against letting Rice go, but the princesses are the ones who make the rules, not the males. It seems many are unhappy with the way things are going," Discord explained. "Everybody seems to think ruling a nation is easy. Until they try it."
"You were at the meeting? The summit with Twilight, Celestia and the others today?"
Discord nodded. "Lots of problems, it seems. There's civil unrest in the neighboring kingdoms- talk of uprisings. Sudden disappearances, ponies going missing since being rescued. And more interlopers arriving as well. Not to mention the impending return of the king and queen."
Dan turned around, fuming a little bit less. "Was it because of them? Because Celestia and Luna's parents are returning that they spared the shithead?"
"Why exactly ARE the king and queen returning again?" Spike asked.
A bag of popcorn appeared out of thin air. Discord jabbed a crazy straw into it and proceeded to drink. "That I don't know. From what we do know, the king and queen are not very happy. Seems they moved Equestria, the sun and the moon to its current position and separated it from the nearest planet and put a bunch of space nasties- ursas and the like, between them in order to protect Equestria. But with this summoning magic, creatures from all over can just pop up right here."
Dan frowned. "Really? Hadn't noticed. So they don't like borrowing folks from other dimensions, huh? They purists or something?"
Discord folded his arms again, thinking to himself. "There's consequences to opening Pandora's Box. Never know who's from another universe these days."
"Uh huh. Naturally. Well, Disco-tech, you've been spectacularly unhelpful as always. Thanks for the update but now Spike and I have errands to run." Dan turned back around and resumed his angry march towards the south.
"But... Dan? The market is THAT way."
"I know," Dan said, not looking back. "There's someone I wanna see first."
Spike didn't know who Dan was going to see, but he had a pretty good idea when they arrived at the local news station. Barro's news station, and the only one in Equestria to be precise. While this was confusing and a bit nerve-wracking for the dragon, it was made all the more comfortable by Discord being there. Except it wasn't comfortable at all.
The Ponyville Action News Team Station, or PANTS, was located on the western side of Ponyville. The broadcast station was right next to the airfield, New Maynard Field, and also provided weather coordination and air traffic control for the town. Because of the town's remote nature, most arrivals came through via the airfield, including most visiting dignitaries. Barro and his news crew were able to be the first on the scene whenever important figures arrived.
Most important figures, anyway.
"Don't we have to have an appointment or something?"
"Why?" Dan asked. "He's a reporter, not a doctor."
Twilight would have said something to the effect of, "That's not how that works." But Spike was not Twilight. What Spike said was "Okay," and followed Dan into the building.
Immediately, Dan noticed something that made him feel a bit confused. "I feel like we've missed something."
"Ah! The llamas are here. I was wondering when they were going to show up," Discord remarked. Filling the lobby of the broadcast station were llamas. All dressed in orange robes. Some were sitting, some were standing, some were in line, but Dan skipped them and approached the receptionist.
"Excuse me- there's a-"
"We're here to see loud white."
The receptionist stared at Dan, confused as hell, until Spike chimed in with, "He means Barro. We're here to see Barro."
"The hell is with all the llamas? What are you people doing here?" Dan asked. But none answered him. It was then Dan realized how quiet it was despite the fact the lobby had at least thirty llamas in it. "Hello? Anyone there?" Dan waved his hand in the closest one's face.
"Um, he's taken a vow of silence. They all have- or, well, mostly. They're here for filming."
"Filming what?"
"Equestria's Top Buddhist. They're-"
Dan was done. He'd been done for a while now, so, detecting the receptionist was not going to be helpful, he made a beeline for the studio. Spike, not knowing what else to do, followed behind him. Meanwhile, Discord began a very long conversation with some of the buddhist llamas. Actually, a few of them might have been alpaca.
The studio was divided into two main sections: the set and the offices. From the lobby, a corridor ran straight for a ways and then banked at a right angle, rooms and offices lining the right side the whole way, while the set floor dominated the left side. The set itself was a large room, half of it painted green from floor to ceiling with a desk on a raised platform in the middle. Two heavy studio cameras stood stoically aimed at the desk with a third one, disused, in the center. Lights from the ceiling were cast all upon the green screen and desk, arrayed so not a single shadow could be captured by either camera.
Oddly enough, it smelled somewhat like a library, like the Golden Oakes.
"I feel like we're not allowed to be back here."
"We're still guards, aren't we?" Dan asked. "If anybody asks, just call it an inspection."
"I guess we can't get in trouble. It's not like Barro has his own guards anyway."
And that was when four armed humans in orange jumpsuits appeared to block the path in front of them. Two spun around from the sides, tactical-style, weapons drawn and another two came down from the ceiling. Finally, four more appeared from behind and drew their own weapons- blasters, and aimed them at Dan and Spike.
Dan and Spike slowly raised their hands. "I'm beginning to see a pattern here. I don't like it."
"Mr. Barro isn't taking visitors right now," the lead one, a slim dark-skinned female said. Her catlike eyes didn't seem to blink as she regarded Dan coldly.
"I thought Barro shot you all down."
"He did," the bearded one next to the leader said. "He gave us plenty of time to bail out, though." Two of the Rebel pilots patted down Dan and Spike, though there wasn't much of a point with the latter.
"He's clean."
Dan looked around. "So Barro hasn't given up on his revenge scheme either?"
"Hey, it's not-" Grex started talking, but a hand from Reena meant shut up.
Dan shrugged. "That's what I'm here about! Tell him he was right the whole time. And honestly, I could use you guys and your flying circus. Just go to Barro and tell him that if you guys help me kill Vice Grip, I'll help you find the Blue Man and his group."
The black woman smirked. "Alright. He might take you up on that offer. His office is at the far end of the hall, but he'll be in the recording studio." She pointed to the back of the set room with the barrel of her blaster. "Just don't touch anything."
"Thank you, scary lady. And for the record, I'm happy he didn't kill all of you."
"Aw, thanks."
"Most of you, anyway."
"Haha... what does that mean?"
Dan stomped his way through the sliding door onto the set, then back through the sliding door to the studio to find Barro, Michael and other ponies Dan did not recognize. Barro was standing, leaning over a switch board that didn't appear to be plugged into anything while two ponies in front of him lounged with their backs heaving in chairs, working at computers.
"Dan, what the hell are you doing here?" was Barro's first question.
Dan pointed at one of the ponies setting at the editing suite. "Better question: why is he playing Yoshi's Island?"
The pony turned around. "It's actually a fan game; it's Yoshi in Sonic 2, featuring Dante from the Dev-"
"I'm sorry I asked," Dan said. "Look, I just want-"
"And Knuckles."
"SHUT UP," both Dan and Barro shouted. At the same time, even, before turning back to face one another. Did these two have more in common than they were willing to admit? If so, that was another thing they had in common. Spike noticed this, but knew enough not to say anything.
Barro sighed. "My office." He walked past down and through the set. As he did, Dan asked,
Barro's office was small, but larger than a closet. It had a door on either side, putting it in the center of the two set rooms. The carpet oddly enough stretched up to the walls and the ceiling, a dark gray fuzzy material. It was as if the fabric had been made for the specific room it was in and seemed a bit weird to Dan. Carpet connecting to wall and ceiling fabric must've been hell to clean, like it was a concept from a bygone era. The same could be said of the building.
There was barely enough room for Barro to sit behind his own desk. Dan and Spike took chairs that were almost against the back wall, a path between chairs and desk so ponies could walk through. Of course, none of these things made Dan more uncomfortable than when he first entered the room and heard the sobbing.
"So... who is she?"
"That's Edina. She's our appearance artist."
Dan could not help his eyes from straining to the corners of their sockets, listening to the poor girl cry. She occupied a corner of the office, sitting in a swivel chair that was clearly not meant to roll on the carpeted floor, and was sobbing into a dark blue hooded jacket.
"You'll have to excuse her; her boyfriend broke up with her today."
"Oh. I'm really sorry," Spike said, being the first to offer sympathy.
"Don't be too sorry," Barro said. "Her boyfriend breaks up with her every other day. They usually get back together sometime in the evening, then he breaks up with her in the morning."
"Wow, that's... really fucking stupid," Dan remarked. "That just sounds really, really dumb to me."
"Oh, screw you! Screw you, fucking... men!" Edina said. She stood up abruptly and left the office, slamming the door behind her.
Barro braced his hooves on the desk to stop it from shaking. "That's still MY JACKET!!" he yelled after her.
Dan had had an idea pop into his head on his way to the office. He had started to like Barro back when he discovered Barro tended to get as pissed off as he did about idiots. Like Dan, they both seemed to be forced to deal with inattentive morons that were about as capable as a car without wheels. They had similarities and Barro had resources, so Dan thought of a way he could use that.
"Barro, let me get right to the point."
"That'd be a first."
Dan put on a winning grin. "We both are on our respective revenge missions, right? You want to kill the Smurf guy and the stormtroopers, I want to kill Rice Puddingdouche. What say we work together, ehh?"
Barro sat, frowning, hooves tapping together on his desk, the equivalent of thumb-twiddling for ponies. He was about to say "No," followed by more words, when Spike had a question and even raised his claw.
"You don't need to do that. Just- what?"
Spike put his claw down. "Umm, well, I'm just wondering, why do you want to kill the Empire guys? I thought we had a truce with them."
The frown Barro had sported turned upward into the smallest of slightly-amused smiles. The kind of amusement reserved for things that shouldn't have to be explained, or after questions that shouldn't be asked.
Barro looked right into Spike's eyes. "They're still evil. Not all of them. But some of them, with power, if they continue on, they'll keep doing horrible things. It doesn't take that many, not even the majority. I fight them because I know how. They will be brought to justice."
"Yes!" Dan said, nodding emphatically. "Yes! Yes, I knew it- I knew we were two of a kind, you and me! I didn't realize it at first and you kinda pissed me off but the way you kept going after them, yes!"
"Stop," Barro put a hoof up, preventing Dan from launching out of his chair with enthusiasm.
"I'm sorry but I've been LOOKING for someone in town who was like me and I- I just never expected it'd be you!"
"AGAAAAAAAAAAAAHHGDDD!!" Dan leapt out of the chair and slammed both fists on Barro's desk. It was hard enough to cause his rolodex to jump.
"Dan, c'mon, what do you want me to do?"
Dan inhaled. "Your Galaga ship, for one! You could just vaporize him from orbit- boom! Problem solved. You tried to use it on me!"
"I did. And if I use it on Equestria's surface again, Luna is going to kill me."
Spike raised his hand again, then put it down. "If those guys you shot down are still... alive..." Spike said, thinking.
And Dan picked up on the rest. He turned to Barro. "You never were trying to kill me."
Barro smiled and shrugged. "Rice was holding Michael hostage. I tried to make it look good while keeping you headed in the right direction."
Dan smiled back. "You sneaky S.O.B. I knew there was a reason you didn't just outright blast us to pieces!"
The door to Barro's office opened. A human in orange-colored armor stepped half-in to the office. "I got your jacket back."
"Thank you, Kent. Is Edina over it now?"
"Looks to be."
Spike looked up at the new armored figure. "Griff?"
"Kent, actually," the man said. He took to leaning with his back to the wall, arms crossed, appearing casual despite his less-casual appearance. Even if it was his casual appearance.
"Dan, Spike, Kent. Kent, Spike and Dan," Barro said, introducing them quickly. "Mr. Kent is another Jedi associate of mine with a more... proactive approach to problem-solving."
Dan looked over to Kent, then back to Barro. "What happened to the green guy?"
Barro looked down, pinched his lips together then looked back up again, the kind of grin that came from explaining something that was difficult to explain. "Kent is replacing Rals. Suffice to say, I wasn't happy with how he handled things with Rice either."
"Thank you!" Dan exclaimed. Honestly, it was nice to hear someone actually be on his side. "So is HE going to help me?"
Barro shook his head. "No, Dan, Master Kentan is here to help with... well, other things."
"But WHYYYYY?" Dan got up again. He was about to grab something on Barro's desk, maybe throw it, when a subtle motion from Kent stopped him.
Kent was not like Rals, though they were both Jedi. Maybe it was the color- orange being a theme today, it seemed, but it was clear that they were hiding something. Rals, the green knight, had exuded power and control, stability. Kent exuded raw power, still controlled but more loose, free. A bluish aura radiated from the orange form for a brief second, another contrast to the colorless powers of Rals.
Kent quickly set Barro's jacket on his desk, a motion that was deliberately to stop Dan from reaching for anything.
"Thank you."
Dan's eyes were at the corner of his vision, watching the new man as he stepped back slowly. The slightest friction was between them, and Dan could tell the other man felt it, too. Equal friction.
"I like him," Dan stated. "Can I have him?"
"Dan-"
"Come on!! You already have like fifty lackeys! I just want one- I've lost a bunch, lately, in case you haven't noticed! Cap and Chris are gone, Colress is gone, even the griffons are gone," Dan said.
Barro leaned forward. "What about the Magic Gears?"
Suddenly, Dan got quiet. "I don't know where they are. Maybe they went with Rice."
"Where are they, Dan?" Barro saw through Dan's deception.
"They're... on a separate project. I'm not at liberty to discuss it," Dan said, returning to his seat again.
"What have you got going on on the moon, Dan?" Barro asked. "My satellites picked up the construction, and I know you're rebuilding your ship but what else?"
Spike looked up at Dan. They were indeed a lot a like, he and Barro. Both of them were on their private missions, keeping secrets from one another. But where Dan's team had been mostly disbanded, Barro's had gotten back together. Did the princesses know about any of this, he wondered? If Spike found even a scrap of paper, he could easily inform them.
"That's... I'll tell you when it's ready, okay?" Dan said. "Could you at least tell me where Rice is?"
Barro shook his head again. "I'm sorry, Dan. I have an agreement with Luna. The princesses want peace and for things to get back to normal. Besides, their parents returning has their minds focused on other issues."
"I know," Dan said. He looked around the room, thought. The worst part about injustice was how people accepted it. How it could happen and people just got on with their lives. Accepting things they shouldn't. That was how short-term problems became long-term ones, perpetuating ones. Accepted problems. The kind of tiny stuff, inconveniences that people stopped trying to solve, that they just accepted. And it led to more inconveniences, more problems, slower processes. Injustice that was accepted created and perpetuated injustice.
"Look," Dan continued, "could you just... tell people what happened? You're a news guy- just, tell the story."
Barro leaned back. "I think you want Daring Do for that. I do news, Dan, what you're wanting is a documentary. Maybe even a fanfic but I have a job to do."
Dan leaned forward. "Please just, just make the time. I just want people to know."
Bobbing his head from side to side, he finally shrugged and said, "Alright, I'll consider it. No promises, though. Now get out."
"Can you tell me where Rice is first?"
"OUT!" Barro bellowed.
Dan and Spike left, slamming the door as they did so. Unintentional; the door was heavier than it should've been for some reason. Dan was a bit miffed, but at least felt a bit better knowing that someone might understand his plight. At the very least, it would make it harder for Rice to manipulate ponies, which was how this got started in the first place.
For all the things Rice did, most of it was slight-of-hand. He created distractions to prevent them from using their powers against him. The lack of focus, the lack of Dan-like focus specifically had nearly cost them everything. Ponies needed focus and that was something Dan could give them. Despite the fact they thought it was over, Dan knew it was not. Rice would return eventually. Dan would make sure that everyone was ready.
Surprisingly, as they were walking, Kent had joined them.
"To be honest, I didn't agree with Rals either," Kent said.
Dan stopped and turned to him. "So, what? You know the grasshopper man?"
"He's a Jedi Consular, I'm a Jedi Sentinel. We have different approaches for handling things."
"I like that. I think we can get along," Dan said, which was almost shocking to Spike. Dan normally hated everyone he came across at first, and without much knowledge, he seemed to be completely accepting of a total stranger. This point was hammered home further when Dan did the unprecedented, the nearly unthinkable: he extended his hand for the man to shake and said,
"I'm Dan."
Kent hesitated for a moment, which Dan liked, then took his hand and shook it. "Kentan Krace."
Dan smiled. "Nice to meet you, Kent. I especially like the fact that you probably won't betray me one day and we won't fight each other in some sort of climactic clash or anything."
Kent nodded. "Yeah, I get that, too. The fact that we agree on things will in no way foreshadow our inevitable, action-packed conflict."
"Indeed! Let's go get something to eat!"
Spike came from around the corner and rejoined the two. No one had noticed he had secretly sent two notes- one to Twilight, one to Princess Celestia, and he intended to keep it that way. The trio departed the news station and Spike didn't think they were going to get back to doing errands. Also, they apparently forgot Discord, but knowing Dan, that might have been intentional.
Barro waited until they were far away from the studio before he said anything. He locked both doors to his office. Rals appeared in front of him, materializing almost out of thin air when they both knew he'd been there the whole time.
"He's not letting it go."
"Did you think he would?" Barro asked. "You seem to love stating the obvious. Besides, it was your idea to involve Kentan anyway. I don't think it's going to end well."
Rals was silent for a moment, then nodded. "Kentan could learn much from Dan. And Dan could learn much from my padawan, if they listen to one another."
"You're playing it pretty close to the hip. They might kill each other."
Rals said nothing more on that subject. "Did you need anything more of me?"
"Yes. I need you to find Rice."
"For you or for Dan?" Rals asked.
Barro thought for a long time. He flipped through the rolodex and noticed two of the clipped papers were missing. "Just find out where he is."
Rals disappeared again. Barro sat in his office for a while, simply flipping the rolodex back and forth, back and forth.
Dan really hit it off with his new friend, Kent. Kent was tough like Captain America and keen like Chris Redfield. Taller than Dan, not quite as tall as Phoenix, sounded kinda like David Hayter, oddly enough.
"Anyone ever said you sound like Solid Snake without a lot of the grit and rasp?"
"Not that I can recall," Kent said.
"Say 'Magic Gear.'"
"Has anyone told you that you sound like Steve's friend from err, Family Guy?"
"You're thinking of American Dad," Dan said. "And uh, no. No one's ever said that. About me. To me. Ever."
"Some people think I sound like a girl," Spike said. The two taller humans casted a silent glance at him, to which he responded, "I know, right?"
The three chatted as they walked south from the airfield. Haypenny Lane curved through the southwest corner of Ponyville stretching from the airfield down to the entrance and Mane Street. A humorous rumor among young ponies was that it was named Haypenny Lane because of a time when one of the wagons delivering freshly-minted to the bank overturned and spilled bits all over the road. Nothing like that had ever actually happened, as pegasi made all deliveries to the bank, and yet you were still more often likely to find loose coins on this street than any other in Ponyville.
In fact, Spike found a dropped coin while they were walking.
"Hey, a penny. We could use some good luck." He picked up the coin and pocketed it, despite not wearing anything with pockets. Or clothes at all. One of Dan's rules was 'never turn down a good thing.' And 'never discard something that's free.' He always approved of picking up coins.
The way ponies thought, the way people did things, from stories to their own imaginations, made things more real in Equestria. Facts and the truth were concrete and could never be anything else. Stories, from legend to rumor to myth and everything in between, could become more true even if they started out false. That's how this particular reality worked due to magic, and it also somewhat explained how Pinkie Pie understood so much.
So, while a wagonload of pennies never rolled down the street, cascading in brilliant copper one summer's day to the delight of colts and fillies, you were more likely to find a coin or two on that street. Maybe it was somepony just wanting to keep the legend alive, maybe it was magic. Maybe it was even both, and that was where the truth truly lay.
A couple pegasi took off from the bank in a hurry. There was a lot of hurrying going on lately, so that was not surprising.
"Are things ever going to get back to normal around here?" Spike asked.
"They're already getting back to normal," Dan said. Teeth gritted, he added, "Unfortuntely."
"This world is very fortunate. I've seen planets that faired much worse and never recovered," Kent said.
"Yeah? Give me an example."
"Taris," he replied instantly, head level and forward-facing as they walked.
"And what happened there?" Dan asked, looking over at the man.
"A lot."
"You feel like giving any details?"
"No."
Dan's pace slowed as he asked his questions but Kent's did not. The steel stranger continued walking on, despite the fact Dan hadn't told him the destination.
They arrived at the corner of Haypenny Lane and Mane Street near the entrance to town. The Mane Street Cafe was located right by the entrance, a common stop for travelers, visitors and locals alike. It was a simple half indoor, half outdoor cafe that resembled more of a large shack in construction with a large awning roof supported by three walls. The kitchen was in the back with a counter running in an L-shape from the right side of the entrance to the back.
A sister restaurant was Mane Street Diner located by the train station, technically not on Mane Street, it did have air conditioning and a larger staff, menu and facilities. The same ponies owned and managed both locations, working on alternating shifts. Small town with a small population, and a method to the small town atmosphere.
They sat at the counter and ordered food; the place was small enough they didn't have to wait to be seated. Dan preferred the barstools at a place like this, and it looked like Kent did as well, seeing as how he approached the counter first rather than a table.
"You gonna sit down?"
"I prefer to stand," Kent said. "The armor isn't that comfortable to sit in."
"I can imagine," Dan commented, judging the man head-to-toe. "Do you plan on taking that helmet off any time soon?"
"Tonight, actually," Kent commented. The drinks came first, a combination of fruit juice, root juice and tea that was brewed in mass quantities. It was healthy stuff, very nutritious and tasted good to ponies and members of all other species. Various blends and concoctions produced a variety of flavors, the more exotic of which added extracts of plants with magic properties. Extracts from prank plants, or vegetabilis badgagius, the members of which included Poison Joke, were typically frowned upon being mixed into drinks and generally their only use were in late-night dares and wagers.
Kent unsealed his helmet and lifted the helmet only slightly to take a drink, not enough to see anything underneath. Which was the point.
"So are you a Mandalorian and a Jedi?" Spike asked.
"Yes," Kent said, setting the drink down. "And I've seen my fair share of things. As have both of you."
"Do you have your own ship?"
"Yes," Kent said again. "And I know you're in the process of fixing yours," he turned slowly to Dan.
Dan smiled coyly. "Well, you seem to know ALL about us, so why not tell us your story?"
"I suppose I can enlighten you," Kent said. He sat his drink down again. "I worked as a navigator while I was in training. My ship found a new empire that we didn't even know existed. We were shot down, but I survived, formed a resistance and eventually overthrew that empire. I ruled the galaxy for about six months until everything fell apart. Rather than let the cycle repeat itself, I left before an uprising could destroy what I'd built. I joined the Jedi Order and decided to rebuild planets rather than trying to conquer or liberate them."
"And one of them was this terrace place," Dan said.
Kent picked up his drink again. He downed it in a single gulp. "Yes, it was."
"Bet you wish you could rebuild a planet as quickly as I did, eh?" Dan elbowed him.
"Well uh, let's just say what you did wouldn't have helped Taris," Kent said. "Luck like that doesn't happen that often."
"Luck? You think that was luck that let me do all this? I thought you guys didn't even believe in luck."
Kent turned to him, one elbow on the bar, one hand holding the empty glass. "I'm not like most 'guys.'"
Strangely, did not rise to the obvious challenge the man made. He simply turned back and sipped his drink. "Me neither."
Spike munched on a gem-and-cheese sandwich while he listened. Whatever was going on between the two of them, he didn't know. But he knew it was something. The waitress regarded all three of them with a bit of a wide-eyed expression and refilled their drinks quietly.
The rest of their order came and the conversation quieted down. Dan had a BLTPBnJ, a sandwich of his own design that combined the classic bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich with the traditional peanut butter and jelly sandwich. During the vacation episode, Dan had a falling out with Trixie after it was revealed Trixie ate her PBnJs with mustard, which Dan and other sane people of the world consider a disgusting blasphemy.
Halfway through his sandwich, Dan started the conversation again. "So Kent, what exactly WOULD help our world, after all you've seen?"
"I-" That question was one Kent hadn't expected. He looked over to Dan, then back to the counter. Dan imagined the man's eyebrows were raised under his helmet. "I don't know, to be honest. It depends on how badly you want to keep this planet, I suppose."
"Badly," Dan replied. His coy demeanor had vanished and he now stared, eyes like daggers back at him. "Very badly."
"Well, you've got your work cut out for you." Kent downed his second drink in a single gulp.
"How so?"
Kent looked over at him again. "You kicked over a lot of rocks to get where you are. Equestria was a pretty innocuous place before you got involved, but I guess it wasn't meant to stay that way."
"It wasn't," Dan said. Little did they know, he was thinking of something else in that moment, something he kept to himself. Between himself and Luna. Perhaps it was time for that to end.
Kent was also playing this game and Dan could tell. He was about to pry more, so Dan responded first.
"I know we're going to need help. I don't dismiss that. But what kind of help- which allies can we afford and which allies should we avoid?"
The Mand'ojedaii faced forward again. "You've found plenty. You seemed to like the Empire more than the Rebellion. I've seen the pros and cons of both. The Terran Empire has touched this place, the Sith had at least one temple here, there's space pirates in the forest, Team Rocket, the GenoHaradan and have you seen how many Markers are here? The only reason you don't have necromorphs crawling all over this place is because by some miracle, you haven't actually killed anyone yet!"
Dan slammed the counter. "NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING! But I see exactly what you're saying!"
"What is he saying?" Spike asked.
Dan stood up. "We need to go kill a guy! Let's go kill Rice Flip."
Spike's head hit the counter. "Was this your plan the whole time? To set it up to be about killing that guy?"
"He could be a valuable ally," Kent said. "If you are able to reconci-"
"SHUT THE THE HELL UP!! NO WAY AM teaming up with that... that fiend, that cyber maniac, the lying, cheating, ruthless, evil scumbag sleeze of that guy! He's the WORST PONY on this PLANET and MINE. Two planets! Rice-whatever his stupid name is is the most evil, worthless piece of trash on TWO PLANETS. One of the ponies from Earth that can't talk or think or anything would be a better ally than that-"
"I see, but you may need his help at some point," Kent said. "Former enemies can make great allies. He also knows much about Equestria."
"No he doesn't."
"And his technology is impressive."
"NOITISN'T!"
Kent now leaned with his back on the counter, almost enjoying the situation. Maybe more than almost. "Really, what do you have against allying with former enemies? What's wrong with that?"
Discord walked in. "Guess who's getting their own t.v. show!"
"THAT," Dan pointed at Discord. "THAT is EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THAT."
"Are we sure they don't serve alcohol here?" Spike asked, pulling out a scroll. "I'm just going to put Berry Punch's winery on our errand's list, in case we ever actually get back to doing errands today. Probably won't, but eh."
Discord took off his brand new showbiz sunglasses. "I feel like I've missed a few things."
"You probably have, but it loops back around into being stupid again, so you don't have to worry," Kent said.
"Did you just break the fourth wall?" Discord asked.
"I mean, I'm still new here, so you tell me. Can I get a refill?" Kent asked the waitress, but Discord snapped his fingers and his cup filled on its own. With popcorn shrimp. "Wow, my cup's full of shrimp. Lawl, so funny. You're gonna be great on t.v."
"I'm not already?" Discord asked, grinning at the audience.
Dan proceeded to argue with Discord. It was rather one-sided because Discord was getting his own t.v show and there was little Dan could do about it, other than complain. He complained about the time it was going to come on, the channel, the fact Discord was in it at all, the fact that he didn't have his own t.v show(any more) among other things. Kent and Spike went back to eating, when Kent suddenly stopped.
Spike didn't notice. Neither did Discord or Dan, or anyone else for that matter, but Kent did. That odd, tingling feeling in the Force that usually accompanied the presence of the dark side. Like fingers gently prickling at your shoulder. They were here.
No, they were close.
No, they were behind him.
"hesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssseeehh..."
*VZZRRRMMM!*
"HAHHHHHSSSS!"
Dan didn't even see Kent ignite his lightsabers. But in a flash, in a fraction of a second, the orange man was standing with two lit orange blades of light, facing outward. Dan, Spike, Discord and the ponies around them were stunned into silence. They hadn't even noticed he'd actually sliced through two strange, dark-suited figures until they fell to the ground.
"The hell...?" Dan asked. He scrambled over to one of the fallen strangers. "Who the... WHERE the hell did these guys come from?"
"They've been following us," Kent said, breathing heavy. "They've been here for a while."
In fact, they'd been there since before Kent arrived. Since before even Dan arrived. There were some who came to Equestria and didn't feel the need to advertise their presence. Some were there just to hide. To hide themselves from others... or what they were doing.
The two figures were wearing black clothes, almost like a mix between tunics and vestments. Atop their heads were masks with large, red insect-like eyes. Each had a slice directly through their chests where Kent's blades had cut them.
"Who the hell are these guys?"
"Assassins," Discord said, a touch of fright in his voice. His paw raised to his face. "I've only been a t.v star for a day and already people are trying to kill me!"
"They weren't here for just you," Kent said, withdrawing his blades. "They were here for all of us. They've been watching us all for a while now."
"Again, WHO in the hell are these guys?" Dan asked.
"They're Sith. Sith assassins. They're on Equestria," Kent said. His breath was heavy and rapid, noticeable even through his armor. He turned around, braced himself on the counter. The waitress that had been serving them was gone.
"Hey... are you alright?" Spike asked. The small dragon tugged his armor, which caused the man to jolt back. "Hey!"
"St-stop. They're here, they've BEEN here. They could be-" A plate shattered. One of the tables emptied, half-eaten food still on it. "They're everywhere!"
"Mr. Orange, you should really calm down," Discord said.
"Almost... got it!" Dan finally wrenched the mask off one of them. And the man evaporated into a cloud of red smoke. "*cough cough cough* Oh, that is bullshit! What is this? TRON?" The other one evaporated a moment later.
"We have to leave. We have to get out of here- now!" Kent vaulted over the counter and dashed for the kitchen door. Despite the knight's lightning speed, Dan somehow reached the kitchen door before him.
"Not the kitchen, no!" Dan stopped him. "That's how they got Bobby!"
"Bobby who?"
Dan forgot sometimes that he and Phoenix were the only ones from Earth. He may have never voted(willingly), and he may not have liked Discord, but Dan was firmly against assassination. When he wasn't the assassin.
"Look Kenty, just calm down."
"THERE'S INVISIBLE ASSASSINS TRYING TO KILL US. WHY DO YOU SUGGEST I CALM DOWN?"
Dan shrugged. "You're new here. People trying to kill us isn't exactly a new thing."
"He's right," Spike said. "We've had this problem for a while. Not exactly sure who we call about it."
"I may know of somepony," Dan said. "There's one pony in town who knows a thing or two about not being seen. Grab your lunch, let's go find her."
"When you say you're going to Las Pegas, you mean...?"
Trixie sighed. "Trixie longs for the stage, Dan and the stage longs for the Great and POWERFUL Trixie!"
"Before the stage files a restraining order," Spike muttered.
Trixie was busy packing her wagon for the trip. Dan, Spike and their new 'friend' Kent had found her at the start of Mane Street near the entrance to town, almost ready to leave.
"Alright, well, before you leave, I need a couple things from you," Dan said.
Trixie closed the wagon door and turned to him. "Trixie is not going to help you murder anypony, Dan."
"GAA-wait, how did you know I was going to ask that?!"
She turned, spread her cape wide and proclaimed, "The grrrrrreat and powerful TRIXIE knows a-" Dan covered her muzzle.
"You've been asking everyone to help you kill Rice since you got back to Equestria. You don't need... whatever magic Trixie has to find that out," Spike commented. He decidedly wasn't a Trixie fan. The small dragon loved Twilight and was fiercely loyal to his friends, whom Trixie tormented. She also took over the town with the Alicorn Amulet, an event Spike had not forgotten. He was a bit more protective and stubborn than Twilight.
"Fine. Go to Las Pegas," Dan said, turning his back to her. His sneer twitched, which was a bit abnormal for him. His usual sneer was constant, furious. Any movement would be the vibrations of rage which rhythmically radiated from his core, not erratic twitches.
"Thank you. Don't forget to write to Trixie!" She returned to loading her wagon.
"What did that have to do with the assassins?" Spike asked. "Did you just want to come here to ask Trixie to help us kill Rice?"
Dan's eyes perked at the sound of the word, "Us?"
Spike shook his head. "No. No no no no, I did NOT mean I was going to help you."
"Dammit."
"You'd have better luck with... hey, where's Kent?"
"He was right here just a minute ago. Weren't you keeping an eye on him?!"
Spike shrugged. "I don't even know why you invited him along with us! We're supposed to be running errands!"
"We ARE running errands!" Dan shouted. "I want to talk to everyone in town and find someone to help us kill-"
"To kill Rice Grip, yes Dan, because that's the ONLY thing that matters to you," Spike folded his arms.
"He THREATENED THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO ME!!" Dan said. He paused. Spike turned back around again, but the two of them said nothing. Dan panted, fuming with anger as usual. It was easy to see him as selfish, especially when he was so narrowly-focused, so single-minded. But there was almost always a method to his maddened-ness, even if it was behind revenge. Or if revenge was behind the method.
"I... kinda felt the same way about the Alicorn Amulet, to be honest," Spike said, claw at the back of his neck. That calmed Dan down instantly. "I mean, there's just a lot of dangerous stuff and... it feels like we could be handling things better."
Dan nodded, rubbed his chin. "Well, the Amulet's back in Canterlot now, if that makes you feel any better. But we need the orange guy back!" He suddenly broke into a run and was around the corner.
Spike followed him. And just around the corner, they found Kent.
"Oh *squee*," Spike said.
Kent was lying face-down, not moving. Dan bolted over to him.
"Kent!" He knelt down beside the man. "Oh my god, they killed Kenty!"
Spike looked up at Dan. "Really?"
Dan stared back at him. "He's orange, his name is almost Kenny, he died randomly. What do you want from me, Spike? I'm not made of stone."
"Are you made of terrible references and poorly-timed jokes?"
"Also anger," Dan added. "And yeah, that does sound like my life. But humor is more than just perfect timing; it's also levity in stressful situations. Now help me take off his pants."
Spike face-clawed. "You're looting the body?!"
"Spike, Rule Four."
"I don't wanna go through the rulebook againnnn..."
"Spike," Dan reiterated sternly. "Rule Four."
Spike sighed heavily. "Rule Four: Waste nothing, everything has uses, also loot all corpses as soon as danger has passed."
Dan wrote the book on corpse looting. Literally. Due to disagreements with his publisher, editor and the Oxford Dictionary, he had not published it. Currently, the original copy of the book sat in Chris's house in California in a desk drawer sandwiched between two outdated phonebooks and a half-eaten bag of cheese puffs. Dan had given Chris the book to proofread but like that bag of cheese puffs, it was not something Chris was going to get around to any time soon.
They both knelt over him, Spike on his left and Dan on his right. "Do we even know what killed him?"
A third head knelt over him. "We were wondering that, too," was what the Sith Assassin would've said, had he/she/it had the capability of coherent speech still. But all that came out of its respirator was "Hizzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaasssssh."
"AAAAAAAAHHH!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
"Haaaaaaahhhhssss!" Dan and Spike leaped back as the assassin brought his quarterstaff down. But it never touched the ground.
"I'm not dead!" Kent shouted, pushing the staff up as he raised from the ground.
"HE'S ALIVE!!" Dan shouted. "Look, Spike, Kent's alive! Or a zombie- wait, Kent, are you a zombie?"
"No!"
"Then Kent's alive!! Isn't this awesome, Spike? Spike?" Dan turned but Spike was gone. Another assassin was holding up the tiny dragon.
Kent ignited one of his lightsabers and skewered the first assassin with ease. The creature crumpled to the floor like it had been made of paper and quickly evaporated into a red cloud of gas.
"Put the dragon down," Dan ordered.
"Haaaaaahhhs."
The assassins didn't speak a language Dan understood, or Kent for that matter. And the latter was familiar with Sith.
The Sith on Equestria had been refined by the planet's magic to their purest form, like everything else. With the peon acolyte assassins, the pursuit of power by any means necessary resulted in many of them losing their ability to speak. Corrupted by the power they sought, they were more like snakes than men, vipers that struck from the shadows, operating on more of a collective hunger than anything else. Either that or, the masks from the Trayus Academy made it hard for them to talk.
But Dan noticed something about the assassin. "Wait... is that a stick?"
"Hisssh?"
Dan walked right over to him, confusing the shit out of the evil bastard. "This is a stick." The assassin tried to raise his quarterstaff but Dan just grabbed it out of his hand. The quarter staff was a poll that could retract into itself, made of lightweight metal similar to construction material. Originally, the assassins' weapons were forged from the debris of ships from Malachor V and this particular staff was no exception. To Dan, however, it was just a stick.
"You try to kill me and the best you come after me with is a stick?"
"Hsssshh-hsssssss." Several more Sith appeared out of thin air. One of them was on four legs and hooves, but the same black outfit and helmet with red eyes. A pony was among them, a unicorn. Its horn protruded from its mask, a pale grey thing that glowed red.
"There are PONY Sith now?!! Aaargh!!" Dan growled.
"They're still only armed with sticks," Kent reminded him.
Dan grinned. "I like this guy!"
"The two on the right are mine." Sabers drawn, he approached the stick-wielding intruders.
"I'm liking this guy more and more every minute!" Dan exclaimed. "I'll take the other two!"
"It's not usual Dan celebrates someone coming back from the dead, so..." Spike tapped his claw to his chin. Did Dan really like Kent or was he just saying that? Another of Dan's sayings was the time-honored, 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' And really, it didn't get much closer than invisible assassins who could be standing right next to you without you knowing it, so maybe now was a good time to put that into practice. Intentionally or otherwise.
The Sith Assassins, pony, human, alien or otherwise, did not leave remains when they fell. They dissolved into clouds of reddish energy, returning to whatever source of darkness had spawned them.
"We need some way to disrupt their invisibility," Kent said. "They're not detectable on any of my HUD settings."
"Yeah, I remembered one of the assassins said that before we got back. They're using magic AND technology combined to disguise themselves, stay invisible and all sorts of crap," Dan said. "Fortunately, I happen to know somepony who's an expert at that."
"Are they at the grocery store by chance?" Spike asked. "Or is it Berry Punch?"
"Close!" Dan said. Actually, it wasn't close at all- it was Vinyl Scratch.
After many, many times trying to build up Wubway, Vinyl and Tavi were calling it quits.
"So you're moving?"
"Well, call it a business trip," Vinyl said.
"Yes. We're moving," Octavia contradicted her. "Trottingham, Detrot, Moshville, places with musical backgrounds. I'm not sure which one we'll be staying at, though."
"What about Ponyville?" Dan countered. "Ponyville and Canterlot have a great musical background. You both are it. Mostly."
Vinyl Scratch and Octavia were loading up their wagon. Wubway was closed, the roof being something neither of them wanted to try fixing again. All their records, music equipment and sandwiches were going with them, along with Vinyl's original bass cannon and Octavia's earth-shattering cello. As well as their other instruments.
Vinyl nodded and put a friendly hoof on Dan's shoulder. "You're gonna be the only dj left in town when we're gone. For a while at least. Make sure to put on a good show every once in a while, mah dude."
"We'll send you and Twilight a letter once we're settled," Octavia said. The two mares then finished packing and departed, pulling the wagon slowly out of town.
Dan, Kent and Spike watched their wagon as it left town. None of them noticed one of the Sith assassins next to them, also watching.
"There goes quite a pair," Dan remarked.
"Hrrrrssssssss."
"GAWD DAMMIT!"
"I got it," Kent said. He used the Force to push the assassin over and he flew into the wall of the business next to Wubway. The Wubway's ceiling slowly caved in yet again.
Dan charged the humanoid figure as it was still on the ground. The assassin got up quickly, but Dan managed to get behind the assailant and used its own stick to choke it.
"Who are you working for?! Did Rice Pudding send you?!! ANSWER ME!!!"
"Haaaaahhhhhhhzzzz."
"I'll try to get the mask off!" Spike said. Dan still holding him in place, stick firmly under its chin, Spike undid the straps holding its mask in place. His tiny claws had great dexterity and Spike's eyes burned with determination. The hooks came off, the mask came up and the assassin exploded into a cloud of red gas.
"GAAAAAAAHH!" Dan swatted at the air, batting away the vapors. "I thought we had them that time!" Even the stick evaporated.
"Right, you should probably know I've encountered Sith like these before. The exploding thing, that's mostly new."
"Mostly?" Spike asked.
"Mostly new. Usually only powerful Sith dissolve into dark energy upon defeat."
"These guys aren't exactly strong. Just annoying," Dan said.
"And you're not planning on dealing with them OR doing errands with me!" Spike complained. "Can we even go a single day without you trying to get back to killing Rice Grip?"
Dan tapped his chin. "Well, maybe Tuesday. Like, next Tuesday. If we haven't made any progress by at least Monday, then-"
Spike face-clawed. "I didn't mean an actual DAY, Dan."
"He was referring to a twenty-four hour period," Kent explained. "I realize I haven't known you for that long, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say no."
Spike folded his arms. "You'd mostly be right."
"Mostly?"
"Okay, shut up. Believe it or not, I do have good days and bad days. Anyway, now-"
"Heya Dan!" A new pony randomly popped up. "Howya doing, Dan-meister?"
"Who the squee are you?"
The pony had silvery coat and a green mane styled with gel. Definitely didn't look like he was from Ponyville. He grabbed Dan's hand with both hooves and began shaking it, keeping a huge grin the entire time.
"The name's Rick! Rick GD! Can ya guess what the GD stands for?"
"Go Di-"
"Great Deals! And boy, do we have a great deal for you today! Listen, have you ever thought about investing in real estate? Well, let me tell you, the market right now is absolutely saturated with opportunities like never before. A savvy shopper like you has the nose for the-"
During the long, overly-elaborate, overly-chummy pitch, the pony calling himself Rick seemed to speak a mile a minute. It was so much so that Dan and the others couldn't get a word in edgewise, at least, politely. And Dan wasn't even that polite; it's just the pony was talking so much Dan momentarily found his thought process interrupted. His processes came back to him slowly, and when they did, a stunning realization dawned on him, one that spread a look of horror across his face.
"Oh no..."
"What?"
"Sweet Jeebus no..."
"And with the rates where they are right now, we can expect continuing returns with a profit margin of-"
Dan shot his hand back. "HE'S TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING!!!!!"
All three men screamed, but all the salespony said was, "AAAAaahhh yes! Because with these programs I'm offering, your satisfaction is guaranteed! I know you've saved the world, Dan-meister, but have you ever thought about owning and/or leasing a small piece of it to a small family of four over the course of two-to-three years?"
"HE'S SELLING TIME-SHARES!!!!!!!!!"
Ricky kept grinning. "Selling? Why, at these prices, my condos practically sell themselves!"
Rage took over. The strange stallion already violated his personal space, violated his strict no-solicitation rule and he was being obnoxious. Most people still wouldn't have straight-up punched the guy in the face, but Dan was not most people, so Dan straight-up punched the guy in the face.
"AAAAAHHH!" Dan yelled, pulled his arm way back and punched the pony in the jaw.
"Aaaahhh... the hands-on approach type, are you? Well, that's good news. Because with aggressive marketing like my firm offers, we can-"
Dan punched him again. There was no effect. Rick, or whatever the pony's name was, just turned back around, not even bruised. And he still clutched Dan's hand tightly.
"GET HIM OFF ME PLEASE!!!"
Dan kept hitting him but his face was like rubber. Like a rubber check.
"We've-*punch* never-*punch* seen-*punch* prices-*punch* lower!! *Punch*" Dan kept hitting him in the face but it was barely doing anything. Finally, Dan wrenched his hand free of the pony's grasp, but that may have been only so the pony could pull out his pen and a contract.
"I can tell you're a smart buyer, Dan, so I'm giving you one of my best offers that I can personally assure you-"
Dan grabbed his ears. "MAKE IT STOPPP!!" He walked away but the sales pony followed him, all the while continuing to pitch sales.
"What if I offered you no money down AND a moneyback guarantee?!"
"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE?!!"
Spike tried to grab the pony's legs to stop him. "Hey... whatever you're selling, we don't want it!"
"I don't quite understand," Kent said. "He's annoying, but why is he being so relentless?"
Dan held his hands to his ears. Ponyville was beginning to get fuzzy in his vision. The world blurred and warped as emptiness slowly filled his legs. His strength, his rage, all of it felt like it had been turned into steam in his lungs. Rather than a hot, boiling liquid in his blood like it normally was, it was more chaotic, like steam. Unable to be focused, too far apart to do anything except create a haze that slowly condensed into pointless droplets of futility. He felt physically ill from listening to this pony.
"So, what kind of returns can I see on my investment? What happens when interest rates get low? People have been pondering this for years, Dan, but with great risk comes great reward, and market stability is-"
Spike dragged his feet into the ground but it was to no avail. He lost his grip on the relentless salespony.
"He's sapping Dan's strength! And I think he's covered in hair gel," Spike said. Either way, the dragon felt slimier for having touched the pony.
"Make your time-share work for you! We offer one-hundred percent deeded properties that anypony can buy into, and investors lining up around the block for-*Shrrrrm!*"
Kent's lightsabers sliced the pony's head clean off. The body of the silver stallion fell to the ground, motionless.
Dan inhaled sharply, then exhaled, finally able to catch his breath. "Oh god... thank you. Thank you Kent, thank you Spike... thank..." Dan looked over to the body. There was no blood.
"Ja-jajaja-hee-hee in-n-n-n buy now! For s-so-so-so-so marketing real estate in-derderderederder-ahahahahah-" Rick's head continued talking, spouting gibberish while keeping the same wide-eyed smile.
Spike looked over the rest of the body. "It's a robot."
Kent levitated the head up. "I thought his teeth looked... strange."
"There's no spaces between his teeth. Its teeth," Spike said. The pony seemed like a cheap animatronic on closer inspection, as did most real estate salesmen. The coat was fine, eyes and ears were plastic but convincing but the teeth were where the disguise really fell apart. The smile was meant to be flawless, too flawless, so much so that the teeth and jaw of the pony were solidly fixed in place. So that it was always smiling.
"I liked it... I liked it better when the Sith were trying to kill us," Dan said. His eyes darted around them. To Dan, this was scarier than the Halloween episode. This was scarier than anything else he'd ever faced.
Another pony walked around the corner of the street. He had a briefcase with him. This one, a light-blue pony with a top hat and tiny mustache took out a spray bottle.
"Salutations, gents. Have you ever tried getting a tough stain out at home? There's so many cleaning supplies today, and none of-"
"IT'S ANOTHER ONE!!!" Dan bolted in the opposite direction, fleeing for his life. We had found Dan's one weakness: salesmen. Specifically, door-to-door scam artist salesmen. The kind that worked through subscription fees, longterm contracts and signing papers. The ones that killed finances slowly. Leeches. Parasites.
A flash of orange sliced through the pony's head, tophat, and boomeranged back around and cut through the briefcase as well. Kent's lightsaber then returned to his belt, professional that he was.
"I take it this is mostly new as well," Kent said.
Spike's eyes narrowed. "Mostly. I think we need to pay a visit to a couple other salesponies that might still be in town. And we should probably get Dan before he gets too far."
Together, Kent and Spike retrieved Dan, though he did have to be carried for a bit after being traumatized by the salesbot. Then, to Dan's dismay, they went to go see another pair of salesponies: Flim and Flam.
"Sorry boys, can't help you," was Flam's response.
"So you're not responsible for any of this?" Dan asked, holding up the fake sales pony's head.
Flim and Flam looked over the robot closely. "Hmmm... nope, can't say that's ours."
"Too many expensive materials. That's no way to keep costs down."
"We're in the coffee business now, anyway!" Flam announced. "
Dan threw the fake head down. "So it MUST be Rice Grip then!"
In the south-west corner of town, at the edge of the mercantile district, they had found the Flim Flam Brothers. It was the end of the day, so thankfully, both of them had closed their latest venture, a coffee shop, and were closed for the night. Like Trixie, Vinyl and Octavia, the brothers were also planning on leaving Ponyville. Unlike the others, Dan was actually happy at that news.
Spike sighed. "And what if it is, Dan?"
"I..." Dan was grinning maniacally, then his face started twitching again. "I don't know!" He began spazzing out, flailing, as if he was having a malfunction of his own. A revenge malfunction.
"You're sure this guy saved the world?" Kent asked to Spike.
He shrugged. "He had help. And he'd be the first to tell you that."
Dan hopped up. "Except he WASN'T the first to tell you that! YOU were! And he... I mean me..."
"It's just a figure of speech."
And with that, Dan fell over and began spazzing out again. Kent looked over to Spike, making it obvious what he was thinking. Spike scratched his neck, hoping the gesture said back the same thing. He's been through a lot, was what Spike was trying to say. Kent understood that.
"I'll get his legs-"
"Let me," Kent said. He used the Force to levitate Dan's twitching form.
"I think we should get him to Twilight," Spike said. "The Golden Oakes is this way."
Levitating Dan with space magic looked like the best solution. He continued twitching even as they continued through town, though he did calm down eventually. Getting away from the salesponies helped. Unfortunately, they showed up again.
They were almost to the western side of town where the library was located when they were stopped by more salesbots.
"Hello there, I'm Handi-Lay! And I'm here to make your life super-easy," a chipper female salesmare bot said. "Let's face it. Yardwork can be such a chore! Day in and day out of-"
"AAAhhhh! AAhhhh HAAA!" Dan became more frantic. Kent dropped him, forcing Dan to begin writhing on the ground. The human immediately got up and started staggering his way out of the area.
"We don't want what you're selling!!" Spike shouted.
Undeterred, the smiling marebot pushed a lawnmower up to them. "The handiclipper blore-thousand makes all your lawn and home and garden maintenance a breeze! It can clip, it can cut, it can mow, it can graze, it can-"
The marebot pushed the mower closer to them with each continuing pointless, redundant explanation. As she went on, she began describing things that weren't even part of a lawnmower. All the while, the robot's perky grin and lifeless stare remained fixed ahead at the three men.
"SHE WANTS OUR SOULS! GET AWAY! RUN!!!" Dan was now running around the block in circles.
She pushed the mower right at them, nearly running them over with it. That was beyond enough for Kent. The armored Jedi levitated the lawnmower off the ground... and the salesmarebot's hooves were still attached to it.
"Act now and you can get half off the warranty for the first six months of a two-year lease!"
"Or we could give you half off," Kent said. Using both his hands, he pried the robot off the mower. Its hooves came off at the fetlock, apparently being that attached to the handlebar. He then dropped the robomare, but held the mower.
"The new handimower's durability is guaranteed to-" *BAMF BAMF BAMF BAMF-BAMF-BAMF*
Kent telekinetically smashed the mower into the robot repeatedly, breaking and bending the metal of both with each bash.
"It's still moving!"
The yellow finish and fake mane peeled off the robot with each strike, revealing the metal underneath.
"YES!" Dan exclaimed. "Kill it! Kill it! Die, you Five Nights at Freddy's piece of trash!"
Spike pointed at the machine in abject horror, "It's still coming!!"
Kent activated the lawnmower. The spinning blades drew the mangled machine into it, chopping it while destroying the motor. Even as the blades spun, destroying the robot, the robot's metallic parts clogged the gears and jammed the blades, breaking the mower. Its other cutting utensils, attached to tentacle-like cables coming from the top, flailed and snipped at the robot jammed in the mower itself. Finally, the combined chopping blades chewed the machine up, allowing it to be sucked into the mower and finally ripped to pieces.
The salesbot continued its pitch even as it was grinded into bits. Its head was the last thing sucked into it, finally ripped apart, silencing it. The image of the wide-eyed grinning robot being chopped apart would haunt Spike's dreams for quite a while... unless he drank that image away, which he fully intended to do.
"Aight, Imma head out," Spike said. "We're gonna tell Twilight errands didn't work out and order everything delivered. Everything we can order, that is."
"Can we order therapy? I would like to order therapy. Just... a lot of therapy, please," Dan said. His hand then raised to his head. "Oh great... I'm now WANTING therapy. Eh, I probably can find that online, anyway."
"Meditation can be a very effective method of relieving stress," Kent said.
"How much meditation is it going to take to make me forget that?"
"All of it."
"Great," Dan clapped his hands. "Kent, you can take the guest room next to the WOPR. Let's head home, drink something and pass out."
The three men turned around. And they saw a line of grinning salesponies in front of them, between them and the treehouse.
"Howdy!" "Hey there!" "Salutations!" "Have I got a deal-" "Have you ever thought-" "Would you like to save-" "I sawed this boat in half!"
"AAAAAHHH!" Dan screamed and resumed his frightened relay around the block.
The salesbots moved rapidly to encircle the remaining human and dragon. Kent wasted no time; he ignited one of his sabers and a flamethrower from his left gauntlet.
"Climb on top of my shoulders! I'll-I'll burn us a path through!"
"AAahh! Aaaaah!" Despite the terror, Spike complied.
"Don't block my-hey!" Spike's claws ripped at his helmet, obscuring his vision. Unable to sense the machines through the Force, Kent could do little more than aim the flamethrower, slash with the saber and hope for the best as the panicked Spike continued riding him.
With large sections of the town still under re-re-REconstruction, it was just now that the fires alerted the towns ponies to what was going on. To onlookers, it looked very different than the truth.
"Crazy robot on the loose!" "There's a fire-breathing robot melting ponies in town! AND HE'S GOT SPIKE!!!"
"Wait!" Dan stopped one of them, "HE'S not the robot, the ponies are!!"
The townsmare gasped. "I'm... I'm a robot?!!"
"The way you do math, Cici, you ain't no robot."
"Fuck off, Nickie."
Copper Crest and Nickel Lining, or Cici and Nickie respectively, were two mares that worked as bank tellers for Happy Ponyville Savings and Loan, the friendliest bank in Equestria. They were actually both decent at mathematics, or at least the math necessary to process bank transactions, but friends sometimes gave each other shit.
Kent's flamethrower shut off. "I can't melt them fast enough; they just keep coming!!"
Dan focused. His friends needed him, HE needed, THEY needed to get away from the swarm of sales robots. There were dozens appearing seemingly out of nowhere and while the Sith assassins had been frail, the robots were far more resilient. And annoying.
Plan. He looked up. Cloudsdale was still above them and was one of the first installations working since they got back. They could contact the pegasi, start a storm, maybe get some lightning to short out the machines. It wasn't the best plan but it was one he had right now.
Kent sliced two of the robots in half, but even in half, they still continued pitching sales. Only cutting them to pieces and then cutting THOSE pieces into yet smaller pieces seemed to destroy them. With their numbers, if this kept up, it was only a matter of time before they bought the farm, in both a figurative and literal sense.
"RUN! Back to the airfield, follow me!!" Dan said.
The trio departed, running at a breakneck-pace back to the center of town. The salesponies followed them, unblinking, unnerving and unrelenting.
"This way! We'll cut across town square!" Dan shouted. He couldn't look back to see if Kent and Spike were following him. The salesponies and their deals were hot on their trail. Although they moved more slowly and deliberately, the robotic salesponies were seemingly unstoppable. The more they cut down, the more arose with new and worse deals.
"If we don't make it out of this, I want you to stab me!"
"Why?"
"I will DIE before I sign one of those horseshit contracts!!"
"With the way they tried to run us over with that lawnmower, you could die signing one of those contracts," Spike added. Riding on Kent's shoulders, he turned around. A mob of shining, grinning pony peddlers was slowly following them.
"He's serious about stabbing him, isn't he?" Kent asked.
Spike shrugged. "Does it matter?"
"Good point."
They reached the center of town square. "We'll take Haypenny Lane back to-"
"Haaassssssshhh."
Dan and Kent stopped. The way south was blocked by a line of Sith assassins. All with sticks, they formed a blockade that stretched across the street from edge to edge. There was no way past them. Even if they weren't as tough as the robots, they would slow them down for the robots to reach them.
"Uhh-uhhh, this way!" Dan shouted, changing directions on the fly. "We'll go down Baker's Street to the airfield!" They ran around the townhall to where Sweet Street connected to Baker's. Once again, they found their way blocked. Dan skidded to a stop.
"Vere do you zink you're going?" Photo Finish announced. An army of paparazzi ponies were behind her, all with cameras. Some with professional cameras, others with camera phones, one pony had an old-style camera on a tripod with one of those exploding flash-bulb things you had to hold.
"Wow, these guys are really dedicated," remarked Spike.
"Please, do not compliment one of the groups stalking us," Dan said.
"They're the only ones not trying to kill us. Also, the other two are getting closer!"
All three groups converged in the town square. Technically, town square was a triangle, since Mane Street led up to it and Sweet Street wrapped around Town Hall and led up to Sugar Cube Corner. With nowhere else to go, Dan, Spike and Kent were forced back to the doors of the hall itself. Dan remembered the last time he'd entered Town Hall. Things did not bode well for them.
Flashing cameras, hissing assassins, money-back guarantees, a trifecta of tasteless destruction was headed there way. The three men backed away from the advancing assembly of various forms of annihilation- photo, physical, financial, descending upon them. Their backs hit the doors to the hall.
"Maybe- uhh, maybe there's a way to make them fight each other!" Kent said. "Maybe if we get them to bump into one another..."
Robots, assassins, photographers, all approached them. When the three groups converged, they did so seamlessly. Whether it was because the assassins were single-minded, the robots were programmed or the photographers just weren't paying attention to anything else, the three groups ignored each other as they crowded around them.
"Hey!" Dan shouted at the crowd. "Before you, uh, kill us, why don't you guys fight to see who gets to kill us first? And we'll just, uh, be somewhere else in the meantime!"
The mob did not even respond to Dan's suggestion. The hissing, flashing and sales pitches practically drowned him out.
Spike face-clawed yet again. "Great try, Dan. What's next? We gonna try tunneling out of this mess?"
"You see, I know you're being sarcastic, but there's a reason why I say to always pack a good shovel and THIS WOULD BE IT!"
*knock-knockknock-knock-knock, knock-knock*
The knock came from the door behind them. From the other side.
"Shave and a haircut?" Dan asked. Being cartoon characters, they were all familiar with the jingle. That's a law of animation, right there. Perplexed, Dan opened the door.
The grinning, familiar head of a certain draconequus popped out. "Am I interrupting something?"
"Disco!!" Dan exclaimed. "Snap your talons, paws, fingers, whatever! Make them all go away! Get us out of here! Do something, man, they've got us dead to rights!"
"Hmm, tsk-tsk-tsk, dear Dan," Discord said. "You've been here for a little over two years, you saved the planet, but have you really learned anything about Equestria?"
"...Are you squeeing kidding me? Do you really have to do this RIGHT NOW?"
"It's alright," Discord said with a knowing grin. "I brought some friends to help explain."
The other side of the door opened. "What up, bros!" And out came Vinyl Scratch and Octavia wheeling a brand-new Bass Cannon.
"Hiya, Dan!"
"Hello, second-best DJ in town."
The Bass Cannon started to rotate towards Dan. "Don't," said Tavi to Vinyl.
"We thought you guys left town!" Spike exclaimed. "What are you-"
A massive, bass-ic beam blasted forth from Vinyl's bombastic beatbox. The auditory artillery blew holes through the Sith Assassins, ripping their lines to pieces. The shadow warriors were evaporated in droves as Vinyl and Ocatvia unleashed salvos of sound at them. The two mares operated the Bass Cannon with simple hoof-cranks on the side; this new model was a simpler music box and cheaper as well.
They swiveled the cannon, aiming the continuous stream of sonic energy at the array of enemies. The robots vibrated with each pulse until their heads exploded. The cameras of the paparazzi popped as the flashbulbs burst. Even the guy with the old-timey camera had his bulb explode, and bulbs for an antique were hard to find but seriously, the guy shouldn't have been stalking in the first place.
"YES, YES!" Dan cheered. "I love you mares! You both can't leave now. There's no way we're letting you leave town!"
"We're not finished just yet," Discord said, still grinning, quite pleased with himself as usual.
"Engage the scoop!" "Let's clear the way, brother!" "Make way!"
Flim and Flam rode by on their latest contraption. A new variation of their coffee-brewing machine, it scooped up the remains of the robots and dumped them into a furnace. The furnace then manufactured mugs for their coffee stamped with the Flim Flam Bros. logo on the side... and an outrageous pricetag of twenty-five bits per mug.
"I'm still impressed but slightly less because it's Flim and Flam but still impressed!" Dan exclaimed.
"And finally, fame is fickle. Best to let over-popularity be handled by a professional," Discord said. With that, his last surprise was cued.
"The GRRREEEAT and POWERFUL Trixie! Is signing autographs."
The paparazzi ponies looked to Dan, their target. Then, they looked over to Trixie, sitting at a table, smiling a bit smugly while levitating several signed headshots of herself smiling a bit smugly. They weighed the two heavily in their hooves: Dan, a sweaty, doughy, disgruntled and grouchy alien or fan-favorite and Equestrian phenomenon Trixie. Which did ponies want to see more?
"Only two bits!"
A line instantaneously formed at the table.
"Vhat? Vhat? Vhat is zis? You are supposed to be PHOTOGRAPHERS, not ze grubby, pathetic autograph hounds!" Photo Finish protested. But photojournalists were fans, too, and the chance of getting a selfie with Trixie outweighed any photo opportunity Dan would give them. "Well, two bits is pretty cheap," Photo said, her accent slipping. She joined the line of fans.
"Disco, you beautiful, crazy sonofabitch!" Dan grabbed the dracon and squeezed him. Then, he realized he was touching him. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."
"I don't think I've ever actually seen him hug someone voluntarily," Octavia said.
"Me neither. And with all the cameras destroyed, no way to take a picture of it. Bummer," Vinyl added.
Dan quickly pushed Discord away. "Er-hem. Thank you. Yes, excellent work, all of you. I have to take points off of Flim and Flam for the decorative mugs and also because, eh, I don't like you."
"We make money whether you like us or not!" Flam announced. "Yes, we're certainly making more money than we were in canon!" "Could you actually see us managing a hotel? Feuding over it, brother?" "Us? Why, never, dear brother! Ahahahahaha!" "Hahahahaha!" The siblings chortled, but locked eyes as their laughter subsided.
Dan watched Flim and Flam drive away in their caffeinated coffee contraption. They all did, until they were finally out of the way. Then, it was Kent, surprisingly, that broke the silence.
"I haven't met them, but I already can tell I don't care for them."
"Trixie needs more photos of Trixie to sign for Trixie's fans!"
"Discord, I'm impressed," Dan said. "You knew we were in trouble, you went to Vinyl, Tavi and Trixie and-"
"Also Flim and Flam."
"And I'm not taking off points for that," Dan said. "You became aware of a situation, came up with a plan and executed a counterattack all in such a short amount of time. You did... a good job."
"How?" was Spike's only question. The tiny dragon was still more skeptical than most and he had a valid question.
Discord's grin turned from sly to... oddly, humble. "Wasn't long ago... comparatively, that I was in charge here. I turned the place into a playground for chaos but, well, part of me cared more about it. I've gotten in touch with that part more and... well-"
"He'd make a better leader than I would," Mayor Mare said. The older mare stepped outside, adjusted her glasses.
"Mayor Mare, how nice of you to see what's going on on your own doorstep."
Despite Dan's chiding, her smile did not fade. Whatever taunt or criticism Dan had, it washed over her like a wave above a stone at the bottom of the sea.
"It's not my doorstep. Or, it won't be soon," she said. "I'm resigning."
The news was a bombshell to all of them. Not unwanted nor unwarranted, but entirely unexpected was it that Mayor Mare would suddenly abdicate her namesake office. A lot had happened under her watch. It had been her that allowed Rice to gain a foothold on Equestria, it had been her who had given Rice information about Dan and others, it had been her, not anypony else that had believed Rice had valid claims. The test of leadership was not easy to determine at times, but it was clear that she had failed it.
"Discord has been appointed as provisionary regent by the princesses... or he will be, as soon as I tenure my resignation," Mayor Mare explained.
"Excuse me," Kent interrupted, "this is all very... substantial, but we're still being hunted."
"Psssh, don't worry, scro," Vinyl said. And "scro" was apparently something Vinyl Scratch said. "We got it all under control. Barro gave us some sonic emitters to place around town. They'll disrupt any stealth fields or robots- and they'll occasionally blast out some sweet tunes."
"That sounds... annoying," Dan said. "Or... whatever, hey, at least it'll stop the Sith-heads from attacking us."
"Heheh. Sith-heads," Kent chuckled. It drew a stare or two; the guy was still mostly a mystery, and was kinda werid.
"So that's it? We've solved our stalker problem?"
"TRIXIE NEEDS MORE HEADSHOTS OF TRIXIE!!"
"Looks like it," Discord said.
"So are we finally gonna do errands now?" Spike asked.
Dan stretched. "Ehhhhh... maybe tomorrow, Spike-o. It's been a long day."
Harmony is not the natural state of things. Stability, although vital to us, is against the very nature of reality itself. Yet we need it to build, to grow and even survive. We need it to live. Our enemies are legion, both natural and unnatural, and against the infinite forces that oppose us, within and without, great and small, we have been given a single, impossible task:
To endure.
So I ask you, how do we reconcile eternity? How does one stop unstoppable opposition? Simple, sister: with another unstoppable force. The unstoppable force and the immovable object. Create this paradox and the loop closes itself, creating the eternal harmony we desire. Do you not see, sister? They will never give up, never stop, never rest until all we have is taken from us. They will never stop fighting. And neither will he.
You searched for the perfect defense for Equestria. Sister, you've found it.
Spike had his own ways of getting what he wanted. One of them was to ask politely. Another was to physically drag someone by the ear, in this case Dan, until they decided to come with him. He had to do the latter this time. Kent was still with them, as was, surprisingly still, Discord.
"You're going to be the new mayor?"
"Provisionary regent, is the title Celestia came up with," Discord said. "Had to rush all the way out to Windspur Castle near Trottingham for the ceremony. Rushed, but still an official appointment."
"Oh. Well, I'm so happy Celestia and Luna could find the time to see you and give you a promotion while on vacation," Dan said.
"They had a summit in Trottingham," Spike reminded Dan. "After we all got back? Remember?"
"I remember not being invited," Dan muttered.
The Kingdom of Equestria was still ruled by the royal family, at which Princess Celestia and Princess Luna sat as dual monarchs. The land was owned by the royal family and its members but individual towns and communities were given self-autonomy. The Royal Family of Equestria was established in Trottingham, which made it a culturally important location to ponies. It was there Celestia and Luna, the ponies of prophecy, were adopted into the lineage of Starswirl the Bearded, thus establishing their hegemony over Equestria. It was more of a formality, and one not one everypony agreed with.
There were some, like former Chancellor Rice Puddinghead, who believe the unicorns of the royal family over-exert themselves. Over time, Celestia herself proposed a compromise that allowed cities to run themselves. Some cities were democratic like Ponyville, Appleloosa and larger cities like Phillydelphia but others were less organized, like the nomadic hippies. Cloudsdale was still a military dictatorship, just without(officially, at least) the military since the position of General was changed to General Manager. As Dan knew by now, there was a lot more going on than just what was on the surface.
Since Dan came back, ponies were beginning to look up to him more than the princesses. The Enclave, the Royal Guard, ponies that had sacrificed their time, effort, energy, even their lives to restore Equestria, now were beginning to realize how flawed the system was. It had not been the prophesized Elements of Harmony or the princesses that came to their rescue, it had been aliens. It had been Dan.
"Okay. OKAY! I'm ready to walk now," announced Dan. Spike dropped his heel, by which he'd been dragging the human, and Dan got up. "Let's go to the stupid, friggin' grocery store."
The sun went down fairly quickly. A popular myth in Equestria held that Celestia sometimes made sunsets last a bit longer on special days, or that sometimes she delayed the sunrise when she wanted to sleep in. These rumors were mostly unfounded, however, and day and night were as regular as clockwork for the kingdom.
The streetlamps came on and the temperature dropped. The four made their way to the supermarket in downtown Ponyville. Located behind Town Square and including Sugar Cube Corner, downtown Ponyville was not the largest commercial sector of Equestria's cities, but it was renowned for its charm. Sugar Cube Corner actually occupied the space where the four corners of the town's districts intersected, one of the reasons for its name. Also in the downtown plaza were the bowling alley, the Ponyville Theater, Hayburger, the skating rink, the dance hall and other fun spots.
The supermarket was in the middle of this busy thoroughfare, located opposite Sugar Cube Corner and still on Sweet Street. Both a farmer's market and a traditional market, the Ponyville grocery store was a truly super market, having evolved from the very first general store built in the town. The original general store was still located right next to it in the neighboring lot, and still had its own clientele. Fluttershy preferred shopping there because it wasn't usually crowded.
"Why does this place have a parking lot?" Dan asked. Like supermarkets on Earth, there was a large expansive parking lot in front of the store. There were stacks of shopping carts ready to be retrieved, but no cars. No automotive vehicles whatsoever, as could be expected.
"For wagons," Spike replied.
Dan waited for a moment, as if expecting a more complicated answer, but none came. The simple answer was all that was provided, for that was all there was.
"Oh... alright."
"You can rent or borrow a wagon if you need to. You can even hire somepony to help you if you need extra help," Spike explained. "Sometimes, I-"
"That's- that's fine. Let's just go," Dan said, picking up the pace again.
"Okay," Spike said, shrugging. "Do you want to rent a wagon?"
"No, let's just- let's go," Dan said.
Kent stopped. "This is where we part ways."
Dan spun around. "What?"
"I'll be going now. Farewell."
"Just like that?" Dan protested. He walked up to the armored ally who'd been assisting him. "That's not how this is supposed to work. Aren't you like... assigned to me now?"
"I don't recall signing a contract," Kent replied. His voice was still even and gruff, at the edge of annoyance, at the edge of anger.
"What's the matter, Dan?" Spike asked.
But oddly, Kent didn't let him answer. "Look, I don't know what you expect from me. I don't know what you think this is, but those were assassins that nearly ended us. And now, you're going shopping like this insanity is pretty much routine for you."
"Pretty much," Dan said. "And what's wrong with that? You don't ever get used to it, but it does get easier."
"THAT SUPERMARKET could basically come to life, grow mechanical legs and go on a rampage through town," Kent shouted. "And the PROBLEM is that it wouldn't be surprising."
"No," Dan said. "It would still be surprising- Spike, stop watching the grocery store."
"But he said it! Now I'm wondering..."
"Don't. Just don't," Kent said. He then took a deep breath. "There is no emotion, there is peace."
"That some kinda mantra?" Dan asked.
Kent looked up. "Of sorts."
"What the hell is your deal, Iron Man?" Dan demanded.
Kent looked away for a moment. "I suppose it's the same as yours. Myself, Rals, Barro, we didn't come to Equestria like you did. We were sent here. As punishment."
"Punishment?!" Dan repeated. "Why would... that doesn't make any sense!"
"Being sent to Equestria was not the punishment. Being banished from everywhere else was. We're exiles," Kent said. "All of us. Like you, we couldn't let something go. Now... I'm afraid you're following that same path. I'm not joining you for it."
"But this isn't how this is supposed to happen!" Dan continued. "You should be like... my companion now, or something! And live in our house and go out with me, kill things I don't like and make quippy one-liners and jokes!"
Silence.
"What was the thing Rals couldn't let go?" Spike asked. "The green guy, what did he-"
"His wife." Kent turned his back on them. "I have a room at the inn if you need to reach me. If you find any information about the source of these attacks, let me know." He walked away, disappearing into the night.
"Can you at least help me kill Vice Grip?!" Dan yelled after him.
"If he's behind the assassins, you have my word he will be stopped," Kent said back. The other three men were left in silence.
Dan missed Cap and Chris in that moment. It was something of a trope of people joining the hero on a major quest. Unknowingly, Dan had fallen into it, and he hadn't even really seen himself as that much of a hero. He missed Tuxley and Reginald, he missed the stormtroopers and random soldiers, he missed all those who had joined him, even the foodimals and the sagely wisdom of Gary Busey and Marksaline. He missed them all, even though most of them had annoyed him at the time. He even missed that annoyance, just a little bit for a moment.
"That's just great! That's PERFECT," Dan sarcastically yelled. "We meet a new, ultra-violent, kickass, armored tough guy and just like that, he's gone!"
Discord put his paw on Dan's back. "I'm sure you'll find new friends to play with. With even fancier toys and gadgets."
Dan looked at him. "Toys... that's what the Director called us. She also called us survivors."
"Hmm-hmmm-hmmm-hmmm," Discord chuckled. "Dan..."
"What are you going to say? Spout some platitude about chaos, and people wanting to make sense of things? How maybe things are connected in multiple ways we can't see and that just maybe, those connections exist out of both desire and necessity? WERE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT?!!"
Discord recoiled. "No, actually. I was going to say there's a sale on pancake mix. We should have pancakes tomorrow."
"AAAAGGH!" Dan stormed off, then stormed back, then stormed around in a circle, not knowing where to storm to.
"You know what, I'm going to head out myself. Got a lot of business to tend to," Discord said. He looked over at Dan and leaned down to Spike as he said, "Take care of him, won't you?"
"Heaven knows I'm trying. Do I have to drag you again, Dan?"
"NO! Dragon... draggin'... I'm coming, I'm coming." They entered the supermarket together, now just purple dragon and Dan.
Dan waited for the tiny dragon to get a shopping cart. How Spike managed to do this without any assistance was impressive; he used a broom and guided the cart from the basket in front of the handlebar. Rowing the cart like a canoe of sorts, he was off with surprising speed. Dan's sourness was broken only for a moment with how impressed he was. At the end of the day, it was still just shopping.
Episode 15 Bonus Chapter: Vice Vs. Equestria's Finest
Couple hours later... Determination Mountains, South-West of the Peace Prevails National Park En Route to Equestrian Royalist Forces
Vice Grip practically squee'd with delight. Having fun at Dan's expense had been an epiphany of sorts for the scientist, one he couldn't help himself from trying to take advantage of further. Although Knight's EMP pulse made it so Vice could no longer technoport or track using Dan's phone, Vice was able to trace the brief phone call he made to a general location north of Appleloosa.
Zen Zeal and his Zebra Legions had invaded Equestria from the central border in the north, a few hundred miles east of the Crystal Empire. The Zebras then cut a swath through Equestria, severing rail lines to the north and Saddle Arabia before hitting Manehattan. Zeal then pushed south-west in a long march to Appleloosa, seemingly avoiding a direct march to Canterlot itself but in reality, it was clear to see what the zebras were doing. Their attack route was shaped like a massive zigzag from Saddle-Arabia in the far north-west, through the border towns and then down to Manehattan and now to Appleloosa, somewhere near Easy Junction. Whether it was intentional or not, Vice Grip didn't know.
But in fact, it was somewhat intentional... and somewhat unintentional. Equestria's own magic liked to influence things, guide things in tiny ways. It had a will of its own, something the Director absolutely hated. So although the zebras had indeed planned the route of their march, the exact shape of it had been something decided by Equestria herself, a comical and cartoony pun the planet made on some omnipresent sentient level. It was like giving yourself a tattoo, though Dan was planning on making it a temporary tattoo at best. Still, fun to look at from a geographical perspective.
And Vice was now going to change that. He decided he would take Phoenix's advice and help them fight the zebras- and destroy Dan, Phoenix and their army in the process. To that end, the scientist was driving his land vehicle, the Mini-SHED, with three mini-Sword Spells on a mobile launcher he was eager to test out on both Dan and the zebras. And a third one just to nuke Appleloosa. Nuke Appleloosa: cross that western relic off the list, finally.
The road was rocky but mostly flat. Vice had no trouble driving and estimated he'd be ready to surprise Dan and the others pretty soon. Above him, the skies were mostly clear, a reflexive action to the newly-restored Cloudsdale still preparing to resume its role following its repair. Vice didn't notice the Team Plasma Frigate high above, making its way back to his own base.
*BewwwwwBANG!*
"FUUUUUUUUUU-!!!" A tire blew out on the Mini-SHED, sending Vice's vehicle careening into a rock wall. Not quite as sturdy as Booster Spice's original design, the front of the Mini-SHED was totaled. Behind the wheel, Vice lifted his head up, rattled but unscathed. Like Dan, he always wore a seatbelt. Safety was everyone's priority.
*Squeeeeeeessshhh* The airbag deployed, squeeing as it did so in Vice's face. "AAAH-airbag, dammit!" He mashed the delayed safety device back into the steering wheel.
Climbing out of the vehicle, it was apparent from the outside that it was demolished. More concerned with keeping the cargo protected than the drivers, he hadn't armored the front cabin. The small engine compartment had smashed into the rock face, crumpling into bits. He wouldn't be able to repair it until he got back to Prosperity Base.
He walked around to the other side of the van, examining the wheels as he did. The left-front wheel hadn't suffered a blowout; it had been pierced by a gem of something. He pulled out a diamond-shaped blue crystal. It looked like it hadn't just impacted the wheel- it had detonated. Vice looked around, trying to find a culprit. In front of him, oddly enough, was another rock wall. If the tire hadn't blown out, it was likely he would've hit it instead, if he hadn't been paying attention. The scientist walked towards it, suspicious.
Vice was thinking it looked a little too neatly-packed, a little too like a barricade than a natural formation when it exploded.
"GAAH!" He had to dive out of the way to avoid a shower of debris. "Okay, Dan, is this one of your pranks? Using phones as tracking devices was my idea, pal!" he yelled. But no one answered him. The debris from the rubble cleared and when Vice looked again, he saw a figure standing in the middle of the road. "What?" he squinted, "Who's there?"
The figure walked towards him. As it did, it spread out, revealing that it was four individuals approaching him. Four ponies walked in a line, blocking the path ahead. They stopped stopped just a few feet away from him.
"-ning the trace now, it won't take long."
"Good. Plan?"
"You go in high, we'll hit from the front and you from the back. Keep him boxed in."
"Got it."
"Understood."
"Just make sure you watch your aim, Cross."
"You say that every time. Every time, Spit."
"What the hell is this?" Vice asked, approaching them. "What are you doing here? Did you-"
"That's enough, Vice Grip," the first one, a stone-gray earth pony stallion said. He was wearing the armor of an Equestrian royal guard... only it looked stronger. Reinforced, sturdier, bulkier and harder-looking. And shinier.
"On behalf of Equestria, by the authority of the princesses, you are hereby under arrest! Surrender at once!" he announced. A pair of huge lances at his sides were raised high, gleaming with the reflection of the sun. Vice's eyes followed them all the way up to their tips... until they lowered and pointed right at him.
Royal Guard Elite Commander High Marshal "Stonewall" Steadfast Leader of the Equestrian Royal Guard
The second one, a brown unicorn chuckled. "I'd turn back now if I were you, mate. You're headed towards the professionals now, not a group of helpless bystanders." He folded his hooves at Vice, standing on his hindlegs in a mock stance of the scientist's.
Royal Guard Elite Commander Chief Intelligence Operator Nightshade Leader of the Special Tactics and Logistics Legion
The pegasus was actually one Vice Grip was aware of. She glared at him from underneath her goggles. "You think all your high-tech trash makes you tough? We could take down ten of your Magic Gears. WE can take down YOU."
Royal Guard Elite Commander Wing Commander Spitfire Leader of the Wonderbolts
Vice was forced to watch, awestruck as they taunted him.
"Hahaha!" the last one, an armored crystal pony laughed. "Give it up, Vice. We're the leaders of the Royal Guard. We're the best Equestria has to offer. You think you can take us all on, you just keep on coming, pal! HAHAHAHA!" He lowered a pair of massive sparkly miniguns and aimed them at the scientist. They began to whirr loudly as they spun up.
Royal Guard Elite Commander Artillery Major Crossfire Leader of the Crystal Imperial Guard
"Really?" Vice looked at all of them. "Is this little display honestly supposed to intimidate me? Ha, neither of your precious monarchs tried to intervene and one of them could see into my dreams. You think your threats frighten me?"
"They're supposed to make you think twice," "Stonewall" replied.
"And if you even think of trying to get past us, you won't get a chance to think twice," Spitfire replied.
Vice folded his arms. "You wrecked my van, arcanist. I want to see your insurance information."
"Insure this!" Crossfire sprayed the mini-SHED with a concentrated stream of blue crystals. Like a Needler's needles, they accumulated on the side of the vehicle and exploded, blasting a hole into the vehicle.
"Elite guards, charge! For Equestria!!"
"FOR EQUESTRIA!!!"
Quadruple Boss Battle Special! Dan's Unlikely(And Unknown!) Allies: Royal Guard Elite Commanders Equestria's Finest
"Soarin! On my wing!" Spitfire leapt into the sky, rushing towards Vice.
"Oh, you ponies didn't think this through, did you?"
"Attack Pattern Sigma, go!"
"Copy."
"I copy!"
The pegasi rushed Vice. Within inches of him, they whipped around him just before they collided, blasting past him. The backdraft came close to blowing his lab coat clean off. They were fast, expected nothing less from the Wonderbolts, but they hadn't attacked him. In the split second Vice's brain tried to process why, the first crystalline blue needle sizzled past him.
*Bzzzzrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!* The crystal miniguns fired twin streams of blue shards.
The pegasi had been a distraction! Clever, but not quite quick enough. The first shard that whizzed by him had been spat out before the miniguns had completely spun up. Miniguns often had to "spool up" before reaching an optimum rate of fire, meaning their first shots were at a slower rate. Vice had been just fast enough on his feet to realize he was in Crossfire's crosshairs and summon his own shield before the blue needles hit.
Vice's own shield was a bright violet in color. He'd originally designed it after researching Celestia, Luna and Lightning Claw's energy shields. His own "improvements" would become evident if any of his attackers got close, but for now he was just being hammered with needles.
*Sschhh-clannng!* And that was when the lances smashed into him. The two lances penetrated Vice's shield and lifted him high in the air. "Ahhh-AAAAHH!!" Vice was flung; as quickly as the lances had lowered, they flung upward twice as fast, launching him like a catapult. He flew, spinning in his broken shield until he landed, or more accurately crashed, into a rock wall.
Vice had to pull his lab coat down from over his head. He stumbled getting up, but managed. Where had he been blasted? All around were the same craggy rocks, smoke trailing from the remains of the Mini-SHED nearby. Nothing helpful nearby and no chance of escape. He could hide, wait for them to get away and that thought was going through his mind when a blue shard landed next to him.
"CRAAAP!" Another blue needle hit closer, another one landing after that as he scrambled to get up. The Shuk-shuk-shuk! sound of shards followed him, quickly followed by the blasts as they exploded.
Vice ran, the heat and force of each exploding crystal hitting him in the back, running across the rocky ridge. He was running parallel to the main path he'd taken, but there was no way out. His genius mind then remembered that his boots could fly, and at that moment one of the pegasi grabbed him from under his forelegs and lifted him up in the air.
"I've got him! I've got him!"
"Don't get cocky, Soarin!" Spitfire yelled.
"Get the cuffs on him!" The Wonderbolts flew fast and acted fast. Even as Vice was processing what had happened, Soarin, the very pony who had snatched him, had slapped a pair of heavy bracers over his forelegs just above his gauntlets. Heavy, restrictive, stiff and unyielding, they were Royal Guard standard issue for dealing with troublemakers. Vice couldn't move his front legs or his articulated hand gloves.
"Get his legs!" Soarin yelled. The Wonderbolt held him tight, spiraling into a climb that made Vice dizzy. He had to admire the Wonderbolts' tactics and tenacity. The strategy of launching him into the air effectively made him helpless. Spinning and climbing while holding his back meant that Vice was absorbing the brunt of the inertia and the height made it so if they dropped him, they'd have plenty of time to recover him... or just let him fall. He was helpless in three different ways at once from the flawless strategy of the performance fliers.
But he had something they didn't know about. Spitfire climbed faster, reaching with her cuffs to get them around Vice's legs. With his limbs shackled, he'd be fully subdued. Game over. And all of this was happening in the fractions of seconds.
Even as Soarin yelled the order and Vice began to feel the inability to move his front legs, he felt Spitfire clamp the first shackle on his right hind leg. So he activated the jets on his left.
"AAHHH!! AAAHH!!" The jets blasted Spitfire right in the face, scorching her mask, mane and goggles. She broke off.
"Spitfire!" Soarin yelled. Concern for his teammate and longtime friend and leader briefly overrode Soarin's discipline for just a moment. His grip loosened on Vice's shoulders as he turned his head to look back, frantic to see if his commander was okay. And Vice used that moment to spin his balled iron fists right into Soarin's face.
*Crak-crak* "Aaaaggg!" The flier released him immediately. Soarin fell back, his goggles and nose broken by Vice's swift move. The third Wonderbolt, he didn't see.
His front legs were bound but his jets were active. He could escape, and moved to do that when his jets began to misfire.
"I've got the link! Hacking in now..." The third Wonderbolt, apparently a techy of some kind was hacking the software of his gadgets! The jets sputtered and the flare diminished, lower his altitude steadily. Within moments, he was back on the ground, but at least he could remove the shackles. Of course, he had a lockpick in his boots.
"You little soldiers think you got the drop on me," Vice said, unlocking the binds "I took out your precious princesses! All of them! You have NOTHING on me!"
*Bzzzzzrrrrrrrrrrrr!!* "We have this. You got one of these in your fancy shoes?" *Ssshhhhh-chikchikchikchikchikchikchik* Dozens of needles shot at him before he had time to think. One caught him in the shoulder, one in the boot, one ripped through the side of his labcoat. They exploded.
"AAARRRGGH!!" He was launched into the air again. Honestly, he didn't even remember hitting the ground. This time, he was on the other canyon rift, not that he realized it. He staggered to stand, his body smoldering from the heat.
"You... cronies... don't deserve... you don't understand..." He was too dazed to speak coherently. His right shoulder felt numb. "YOU'RE NOT BEATING ME!"
Major Crossfire vaulted up the canyon wall. "You should never have messed with Equestria's best!"
Vice spat. "Squee you!"
"FOR THE PRINCESS!" *Bzzzrrr*
"AAAAAAA!" Vice charged just as the miniguns started firing shards at him. The move caught the guard off-guard; he panicked and tried to dodge. Vice leaped into the air and brought his metal gauntlet down on Crossfire's face.
The crystal pony was tough, but not tough enough. At that close range, there wasn't much he could do. Vice lifted him up, flipped him over and crashed his head into the ground. His saddle and weapons slipped off of him.
"Next time, you should just shoot for the head," Vice said. With that, he lifted up one of the miniguns just in time to see "Stonewall" coming down at him. Specifically, his massive lances came down, nearly skewering him.
"You know nothing of honor! You know nothing of duty!"
"I know how to use a minigun." Vice spooled up the gun and fired at the larger guard. Blue bolts stuck to his armor and exploded, but Stonewall kept on coming.
"You'll have to do... better than that."
"How 'bout I just do MORE of that?!" Vice picked up the second minigun and spooled them both up. He fired at the pony, overwhelming him with blue exploding crystals. Stonewall tried to shield himself with his lances but they were meant for attack, not defense. He charged at Vice, the blue shards mounting as they pierced his armor but the guard kept coming.
Vice backpedaled. The sheer amount of crystals built and built, not exploding yet as they continued to fire. Finally, the ammo ran dry. And Stonewall was right upon Vice.
Riddled with crystals, the pony knew he had only moments. He threw down both lances. The crystals surged with energy, resonating and combining into a single pulse, ready to explode. With the last of his strength, Stonewall took both his lances and pinned Vice to a rock with them.
"You... you can't... escape... this..."
Vice looked up at him. He held up his gauntlet and activated his shield. "I don't have to."
A bright, blue explosion ripped through the landscape. It shattered the rocky terrain, digging a massive gash into the surface of the rugged wasteland. When the dust settled, only one pony walked away from the ashes, and he did so on two legs.
Vice looked back at the battlefield. There was no movement, no sound, nothing else to bother him or get in his way. He decided that going against Dan right now, was not worth it. He climbed his way back down into the canyon and back to the mini-SHED.
He found Nightshade there waiting for them.
"Think you best be headin' home. Mate," Vice mocked him.
Nightshade folded his hooves. "Was about to say the same thing to you," he said, grinning.
Vice was exhausted. He wasn't in the mood for this in any sense of the word. Whatever patience he had was long gone.
"So, you ready to do this now?"
Vice raised his fists. "If you really want to join your friends that badly."
"Or your son."
Vice smashed his fist into the side of the SHED, but missed the pony he'd been aiming at. Instantly whipped into a fury, he lashed out at the pony with a flurry of blows, but none of them landed. Nightshade ducked, dodged and deftly dipped out of the way of every punch and jab thrown by Vice. In fact, it seemed that the more punches Vice threw, the further away he was getting. He tried to backhand the stallion and his gauntlet went right through the space he had been. Until finally, Vice realized the other pony was gone.
He looked around. Nightshade had vanished. It seemed impossible; he'd just been right in front of Vice, yet now he was gone. How had he known?
"We had to know what makes you tick, mate. Took a little effort but... eh, nothin' worth doin' is ever easy."
Nightshade was suddenly on a rocky outcropping at the edge of the canyon.
"What the hell was this?" Vice demanded. He looked back to the SHED. Nightshade had hacked his computer system, the console connecting to the Gear network. The satellites, the security codes, the data, all accessible.
"You have a lot of neat toys, Mr. Vice. Now, you'll have to learn to share them."
Vice was about to ask what he meant by that, the revelation not yet dawning on him, when Nightshade vanished. The scientist spent a few minutes going through the wreckage of his vehicle before deciding there was nothing left to salvage. He walked back home, knowing that he was well and truly alone.
They were finally in the supermarket. Even late at night, there were still plenty of shoppers. Small town, ponies were busy, needed a lot of things and there was only one real grocery store, so it was pretty popular. Locals, visitors and tourists all usually went shopping here at least once while they were in Ponyville. Spike made a trip there at least once a week.
"You DID remember a shopping list, didn't you?"
Spike gave him a slight glare and unfurled a piece of brown parchment. "Got it right here."
"Okay... okay," Dan said, more to himself than Spike. He felt the heat of anger on his breath, like rage fuming out of his lungs, and did his best to just calm himself down.
"Maybe getting you out of the house was a bad idea," Spike said.
"You think?!"
Spike scratched his chin. "Maybe you need something to let your anger out on."
"Where exactly are we going to find that HERE in a grocery store?"
"Hold that thought. I'll be right back." Spike zipped around the corner. When he returned, he had a bag of ice.
"Here."
"What's this for?"
"Punch the ice."
Dan took the bag, held it up and gave it a light whack. "Oooooh. How cathartic. Really, you must be trying to work as a life coach in your spare time."
Spike shook his head. "Dan, just try this for me, please. You know what we're trying to do, to get some of your stress out. Just picture the bag is Rice or somebody-"
Wrenching the bag, Dan began strangling it like it was a helpless, defenseless creature. "You like that? YOU LIKE THAT?! DID YOU SEE THIS COMING, DID YOU??!!" He punched it, punched it rapidly, punched hard enough to break the ice in the bag and nearly rip the bag. The bag eventually did rip and Dan destroyed the contents further, breaking the whole thing until nothing was left but bits of plastic and melting ice on the floor.
"Well... that was a bit much for the first time, but..." Spike looked up at him. "How do you feel?"
"How do I feel?" Dan looked around. "I feel wet. Stupid. My hands are red and nearly frostbitten. I'm cold, my fingers are numb-"
"How about your anger?" Spike asked, hopeful.
"I..." Dan stopped to think. His arms went slack and his expression was plain. "Maybe a bit better. I feel more tired, stupid and cold and wet than angry."
"Let's try another bag of ice."
One-Hundred-And-Eleven And A Half Bags of Ice Later
"Feeling any better?"
"Haa..." Dan panted, "Yes! Y-y-y-y-y-yess, Sp-sp-spaaa-Spiiiike!" He was wet, his shirt was ripped at the waist for some reason, his hands, arms and face were red and icy, but he was smiling. "I feel fantastic!"
"Greeeeat," Spike said, peeling bits of plastic and ice off himself. "Now, if we can just get the janitor-" Turning, Spike came face to face with the janitor pony.
"H-hi."
The janitor was glaring at him. "Welp, I feel pretty good, too."
"Why's that?"
The janitor handed him a mop. "You're going to clean up this mess. Just because you work for a princess doesn't mean you can just go around making a mess of things."
"N... not a problem," Spike painfully replied. "Dan?"
"Ahhh, I feel so... liberated! Finally, you came up with a good idea, Spike!"
"Are you gonna help with?"
"Let's go shopping! Didn't Disco say pancake mix was on sale? Let's start there first!" Dan happily marched off, leaving Spike to clean up the mess. Two ponies slipped by on the ice, and Pinkie Pie took the opportunity to do some skating.
"Get started. And you still have to pay for that ice!" the janitor said.
Fortunately for Spike, it didn't take long. And ice was cheap so it didn't cost much money, another good thing. Spike was thinking about these positives when he caught up with Dan in the breakfast aisle.
"Find the pancake mix?"
Dan slowly turned. "I did. I'm questioning whether I should buy it or not." Spike could see why; the boxes Dan held up had pictures of Flim and Flam on them.
New! Premium Flim Flamcake Mix Double-Flammy Extra-butter Flavoring (This product has not been authorized for consumption by the FDA)
"Yeah, put that back."
Cereal was first. Dan was a raisin bran man, plain and simple. The only thing he added to it was milk. Generally, boxed cereals in Equestria were for special occasions with oats being the primary morning meal food. Boxes and varieties of oats and oatmeals had their own aisle in the store, the very first one after milk and dairy. Another reason for cereal's less-frequent usage was because ponies were innocent and easily excitable. The vast majority of Equestrians were too easily tempted to dig through box after box of cereal in search of the prize inside, even if there was no prize.
And the weird part is, sometimes they still FOUND a prize even when one wasn't advertised. I'm sorry, but that's just kind-of creepy to me. Isn't there supposed to be quality assurance with this stuff? When you find a marble in a single serving box, like the little tiny ones that come in variety packs, something is not right. As if you needed another reason not to buy Frosted Flakes. They're Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr-bad for you.
"We could just get frozen ones."
"The cereal's in the cart already," Dan replied. He grabbed a couple boxes of Pop-Tarts as well, because they made a decent on-the-go snack. He used to buy them from vending machines on Earth because they were cheap, quick and filling. He'd have one for breakfast along with hobo fruit(fruit sold by intrepid California hobos) and another as a snack in the afternoon.
They went to the adjacent aisle next. The dairy case was on the store's front wall past the service counter, stocked with all the dairy products like milk, cream and butter. Most of it was farm-fresh, produced in northern Equestrian farms near Canterlot and Manehattan, then shipped via train to Ponyville. As with most supermarket stores, the dairy case occupied a wall with the coolers directly on the other side, so the product stayed as cold and fresh as possible and could be restocked easily.
Dan picked up a half-gallon of two percent milk.
"Nahp," Spike said, "We buy the milk last so it-"
"So it stays fresh longer, I know. This is not my first time grocery shopping. I'm just looking."
"Alright," Spike said. On the other side of the aisle was sliced meats- good things to have on hand for Fluffle Puff, who regularly devoured ham for some reason. When cold cuts were arrayed for her on a plate in an antipasti fashion, however, she tended to eat them slower, probably because she liked the idea of being fancy and still eating ham. Pre-packaged lunch meat wasn't exactly the fanciest faire; Blueblood wouldn't eat it no matter what gender he was, but Fluffle wasn't the pickiest fluffy mare. She was happy enough with honey baked ham and dijon mustard.
Spike picked up an arm full of packages, one-pound each. Each one had more fat, nitrates, nitrites and sodium than a normal human or pony was recommended to have in a week, but Fluffle was no ordinary pony. Capicola, genoa salami, honey baked ham, pepperoni, mortadella, prosciutto, prosciuttini, bologna, summer sausage, olive loaf, pimento loaf, pimento-olive loaf, pimento-olive loaf with pickles, grande soppressata, hard salami, soft salami, medium salami, medium-hard salami, pastrami, origami pastrami, origami-salami-pastrami-Porygon-Z, spam, cram, George Michael when he was still in Wham!, canned ham, canned bread, corned beef, corned pork, porked corn, and half a pound of herb-roasted mozzarella featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry series. And Knuckles. With dill and no added MSG.
"This should settle Fluffle Puff's snacks for the rest of the week," Spike said.
Dan opened the dairy case to put the milk back. Another milk jug slotted itself into place from behind, startling Dan. He let loose of the case door and it closed, but he quickly remembered that the shelves were stocked from the cooler in the back. He opened it again and put the half-gallon jug back in its place, breathing in and out. It was just a clerk stocking the case on the other side, that was all.
One of the milk cartons caught his eye, specifically the side of it. He opened the second door quickly and retrieved the carton. MISSING was written on the top. At first, through the clear case doors, he thought it looked like a changeling on the carton but no, it was a pony.
MISSING- HAVE YOU SEEN ME?
Dan closed the case door slowly again. It was Mr. Jacobson's picture was on the carton, but he'd been found just a couple days ago. Mr. Jacobson owned the reptile house in Ponyville before he closed and moved into a larger location near Forked Falls. He was a snake charmer by trade and his wife owned a gator farm. Together, they were pretty big about reptiles. Mr. Jacobson had gone missing after the return from the moon when it was discovered his reptile house had been magically rebuilt.
Everything in Equestria had been reset to how things were shortly after the show started, meaning after Twilight had just moved to Ponyville. There were a few exceptions, including the Golden Oaks Library and the Crystal Empire, both of which were not on Equestria when the planet was destroyed and then restored. They were shielded from the effect of the reset, as were the ponies, but all the creatures, plants, trees, buildings and everything else had been reset completely. As if everything that had happened in the years since the show started had been erased.
Perhaps the Director got what she wanted after all.
Despite that Mr. Jacobson's new reptile house in Forked Falls had been erased, he and his wife were in the process of rebuilding it. The reptile house in Ponyville was originally converted into a Denny's, and work had already begun on rebuilding said Denny's. Ponies liked the changes that had been made and were taking the opportunity to get them back. Besides, Mr. Jacobson's snakes broke out of their enclosures too frequently and needed more space.
Spike's broom bumped Dan's shoe.
"AA-oh."
"Dan? You alright?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm... I'm fine, just..." he looked back at the milk cartons. He could've sworn the face he saw was that of a changeling on the label.
"Just...?"
"I just thought I saw something."
"Okay... let's keep it moving."
"Yeah."
There next stop was at the deli counter. This was also a stop for Fluffle Puff.
"Hi Chippy."
"Ahh, hey Spike," an older mustachioed pony said from behind the deli counter. "Ain't it a bit late for you?"
"Yeah, well... today was busy," Spike said, rubbing his neck. "Just the usual, please."
The deli pone nodded. "No prob. Just gotta finish this up here." Chipperelli Choppirino, or just Chippy, finished wrapping up a sub sandwich and handed it to none other than Pinkie Pie.
"Thanks Chippy! Hi Spike'n Dan!"
"Hi Pinkie."
"Hey... Pinkie," Dan said unenthusiastically. He had a feeling Pinkie was going to talk their ears off about something or another. It was just a matter of preparing it.
Pinkie smiled. "I'll see you guys later! Chippy's just the best, isn't he?"
"He sure is," Spike agreed. And with that, Pinkie pushed her shopping cart away. Unsurprisingly, it was filled with twenty-one two-foot party subs. Pinkie would've gone with one giant forty-two foot party sub but splitting it up gave ponies variety. Also, it was easier to add or remove stuff on smaller subs.
Pinkie did all the baking herself along with Mr. and Mrs. Cake, except when it came to sandwiches. Party subs were about the only thing she bought in the grocery store and not a party store. Also surprisingly, she explained none of this to Dan and Spike. She had to get the subs into her walk-in fridge at home so they'd stay fresh for parties tomorrow. Pinkie Pie had a reputation, after all.
Chippy wheeled out a very large pallet of boxes.
"You wanna get the first pallet, Dan?"
"First?" Dan looked in confusion at the assortment of crates, and then confusion turned to abject horror. "What even IS all this?"
"Fluffle's ham for the week."
"The WEEK?!" The pallet of ham boxes went from the floor to Dan's chin, the weight being something he could only guess out. "How much ham does this thing put away?!"
Spike sighed. "We'll be ready for the other pallets in the morning, Chip."
"No problemo."
Dan opened one of the boxes on the top. It was all ham.
"THIS IS NOTHING BUT HAM!"
"Yeah. It's a pallet of ham."
"YOU BUY A PALLET OF HAM EVERY WEEK?!"
"Six pallets. Fluffle likes smaller meals on Sundays and pie for dessert."
Dan closed the box again, his hands noticeably jittery. "O...kay."
Spike looked at Dan. Then, he turned to Chippy. "Better just let us get those tomorrow, Chippy."
"Righty then."
They walked off, with Spike following Dan, until they reached an aisle they needed to go down and Spike had to get Dan's attention. Dan tried focusing on the floor, on anything, just things to keep his mind going so he didn't think about Rice. Until he got to the aisle that had the instant rice.
"Dan?"
"What?"
"Try not to freak out, okay?" Spike was not used to talking to people that were in the middle of a breakdown. I'm not exactly an expert either, but for the record, telling them just to 'try not to freak out' probably isn't helpful. Just a thought. It didn't really help Dan in this case.
"What if this is... what if-"
"Dan, relax."
"THIS COULD BE A PLOY! The rice that Rice uses in his rice.... or maybe it has something to do with a SIDE of rice. Like a.. tracking device!" Dan ripped apart a bag of rice. "Yes, yes! Tracking device... on the SIDE of rice! That would be... this is just rice."
Spike glared at him. "We're going to have to pay for that, too."
*Krssssssshhhhhh-krsssssshhhhh*
"It's one of them!" Dan said. "Didn't you hear that?"
"Dan,"
"I'm going after them!!" It sounded to Dan like one of the assassins. The distinctive hiss-click of their gasmasks. Dan ran through the aisles.
*Krssshhh-hssssh* The sound grew louder. Dan rounded a corner into the aisle it was coming from.
"Ah-HA!! There you are!!"
*kzzzzssst-shhhh*
"I know, right?" a unicorn mare said, folding the top of a small bag and putting it in her cart. "They keep moving this thing around, it's almost impossible to find." Her cart had similar bags in it- freshly-ground coffee.
Dan walked up to the machine. The coffee grinder hissed as its gears released, ready for the next batch of coffee beans to turn into grounds.
Spike appeared next to Dan. "We did need to get more coffee. You like the light roast, right?"
"Yes," Dan said, sounding defeated. "A brand NOT endorsed by Flim and Flam please." He turned around. A Sith Assassin pushed a cart by the front of the aisle. "WHAT?!"
He rushed to the front of the aisle and ran smack into a cart full of bread. TF2's Soldier was pushing it.
"You are in my way."
"Uh... yeah, sorry," Dan said.
"I am going around you."
Scout was with him, because someone had to go with Soldier, and someone had to go with Scout. Not that any of the mercenaries that regularly fought in Team Fortress 2 were very stable, but sending one of them out alone was generally a bad idea.
"Dan."
Dan turned around. "What, what is it, Spike?" Spike held up to him a box of Flim and Flam's instant coffee. "I said NOT to get anything with-"
"Just punch it."
"But then we'll HAVE to buy it-"
"Fine," Spike put the box back and gave him a bag of rice. "Here."
Dan proceeded to punch the rice. "Ah... yeah, this feels better. Thanks, Spike." As he hit the bag of rice, Dan felt his stress begin to ebb away again. His heart rate calmed down and his breathing became normal, which was a relief to him. He continued following Spike as the dragon collected things.
Another Sith Assassin pushed a cart, cutting across the front of their aisle again. As he did, the assassin turned to face Dan, but kept on by. Dan shook his head, and they both were gone, however.
"We might have to pay for a few more bags of ice."
"You mean rice."
"Yeah, that."
"I'm never shopping with you again after this." Spike didn't say that, but he definitely thought about saying it.
Rice didn't have a home to return to. It was immediately evident to him upon returning to Stable 5 and Prosperity Base that things had changed. The reason it was immediately evident was because Stable 5 and Prosperity Base were not there. The entire mountain complex, the airstrip, the vehicle hangars, the lab and everything else were gone, all gone. More than just gone; it was like they had never been built in the first place. Erased.
Erased.
The spot in which Rice built everything, where he plotted his complex revenge scheme along with the Director, all gone. The railroad tracks that led up to the base still went to the gem mine, long-since abandoned. The way he'd found it. Nature had reclaimed the rest of the area, or rather, simply dominated it. Tall trees surrounded the mountain base, the only space being the swath the train tracks cut through on their way into the mine. The only evidence of civilization in the area and it looked more natural than anything Rice had done.
For some reason, that fact hurt him the most. The fact that the world could simply take whatever he did and just write over it like it had never been. Like he had never been. Yet it still left him with memories, the haunting visions of his son and his life in Ponyville. They were images in his head now, nothing more and nothing less, evoking only pain when they inevitably surfaced.
A world where the impossible could happen, where anything was possible and yet he still would never be reunited with his son. The thought made him ball his fist. Dan had crushed his left hand into scrap, which shouldn't have been possible. Now, with things the way they were, he had no easy way of fixing it.
Maybe... maybe he could start over. There was nothing else for him. There was no going back, he knew that much.
Rice spent a few days living in the woods. He slept inside the mine where it was a little warmer and drier. Ate roots, berries and other food that he could forage, drank water off trees and collected it where he could. It was some of the roughest living, but it was living.
His exile was self-imposed, he knew that. Although he had agreed to peace between his own forces and Equestria, a lot had been unspoken. He never formally agreed to leave Equestria or disband his army, yet that was what happened. He never agreed to disarm or dismantle his facilities, yet that was what happened. He didn't know what he would do now and suicide was not an option. If there was a way to get his son back and he gave up before it was found, that would have been a greater indignity than he could suffer in life or death.
He built a small cabin for himself using tools from the mine- a pickaxe, a couple shovels. His gauntlets and boots were gone. Rice returned to living as a regular earth pony on four legs. It wasn't easy for him; he'd spent much time living upright but it came back to him eventually. The natural way wasn't all bad, but it was rarely easy. Rice foraged for food, slept on a rough bed made of things he could scavenge.
There were few animals in the wilderness. A few birds flew by occasionally, sometimes he saw a few rabbits or other animals. He had time and not much to do. Alone, it dragged by slowly, so he tried to keep himself busy. Ponies, like humans, were not meant to live alone but that was what he was doing. Perhaps, if he were truly to start over, he could visit the north.
The idea of starting over became more and more appealing in his mind. Maybe that, finally, was the way to get over the pain he felt. Was that how magic worked? Did you have to want it and work for it to get it to work for you?
Did change only come when you truly tried to change yourself? He decided to think about it. Maybe another group of people would welcome him in, just as Dan had been welcomed by the ponies. Was the reverse possible?
There were other civilizations out there, some that were more reclusive than Equestria. There was the zebras to the north, but they were still xenophobic for the most part; there was a reason they were seldom seen outside their lands. The mountain goats were their chief rivals, but they were very stubborn and superstitious. The centaur were big sports lovers and loved competition, but were also aggressive. The Buffalo League like them were very set in their ways and expected travelers to adhere to them when they visited, apart from their casinos.
The deer, or deerfolk as they were sometimes called, were the most secluded race in all Equestria. They rarely ventured out of the forests and lived in isolated, small tribes. Even among more aggressive species like the dragons, the deer were considered by far the most innocent and at times, respected. A single deer had never been involved in anything sinister, at least on record.
The griffons were almost all thieves and pirates in their homelands. It was part of their culture and even the ones that weren't sky pirates were known to pirate movies, songs and games online. Yakyakistan, Saddle Arabia, Nippone, all were quite far away. Not exactly viable within walking distance.
Then, there were the sea ponies. The ones encountered by himself, Dan, even the ancient ones, hadn't actually been from this Equestria. They'd been from another universe, Rice had learned, an alternate universe where water covered the planet. An Aquastria, of sorts. Yet, there were some evidence that sea ponies of this realm were more than myth. Some sailors and fisherman had sworn to their fabled existence, and stories of ponies being saved by mysterious ocean-dwellers was common in coastal communities.
Mane, the simple pony version of Maine, was a couple days' hike from the Prosperity Mountains. If he headed east and followed the mountain range, he'd find Mane easily. It was a quiet community but, like its Earthly counterpart, was also the primary setting for most of Seedphen King's novels. So it was creepy. Still, creepy looked like the best option considering it was the closest.
Rice decided. He'd make his way to Mane and start a new life. Work the docks or on a boat or something. He would change his name, get a haircut, maybe grow a beard. He'd change his name, too; just let Rice fade back into the pages of history along with Vice.
In that last moment, he finally began to feel less pain. Maybe enough time had finally passed or, maybe it was because he was tired and aching, maybe it was a lot of reasons. Maybe, it was more than one thing.
There. That was the magic of Equestria: multiple things coming together. Like multiple people. Alone, Rice discovered the magic of friendship. It had and would always be the only thing that caused real change, real improvement in this world. Out in the elements, the realization dawned on him that the elements had to come together to create harmony.
Dousing and collecting condensation would only provide him with so much water. He was going to have to build up stores, and that meant digging a well. Rice settled on the idea that he'd grow out his beard, spend a few weeks in the forest to build up some muscle chopping wood. He would change his entire appearance and build up some supplies of water and foraged food, fruits and roots before he made his journey. He found an old minecart he could convert into a regular cart to carry his supplies. It wasn't much of a plan, but it was all he had.
The digging was tough. He had to scavenge for food and water every day if he didn't want to starve or die of thirst. It took a lot of time and effort, and the rest of his time spent awake went to fixing his crude tools or maintaining his shelter. There wasn't much food or water around, so he had to conserve his energy and build up stores, little bits every day.
He was just about to hit groundwater when he hit something else. It was hard and metallic, clanking against his shovel. At first, he thought it was a piece of metal that got buried from the mine or the rails, but he pulled it up and began to realize it was something else.
Rice dug it out of the dirt. The dirt brushed off of it easily, too easily. Underneath was an advanced polymer substance, highly-compressed and refined into one of the most durable and resistant, particularly magic-resistant substances ever known. Few knew of how to make such a substance, but Rice knew. He had invented it.
It was the chrome-like metal he'd used to build the Magic Gears, a single piece of it. There hadn't been enough at the base to manufacture another full Magic Gear, so the surplus had been stored. It had survived the destruction of his base, the destruction of the entire planet and its restoration.
Rice pulled himself out of the hole. He still held the piece of metal, looking into its reflective surface. Under all the dirt, dust and debris, there was still a piece of himself there. He sat on the ground, staring at it for a long, long time, only blinking occasionally.
He dug another hole. And another. And another. And another, another, another, another, another, another, another; he never had to dig very far. Bits and pieces of his base were scattered all throughout the area. A piece of concrete from the tarmac here, a chunk of metal from a girder there, parts of the hangar he'd housed vehicles in.
Equestria had only changed on the surface. Underneath it all, it had just tried to bury everything that had come before. The elements of the planet were built on the death and destruction of all the previous generations, the previous concepts, the ideas and ponies that hadn't made it. Him. His son.
Equestria had tried to bury him.
Rice dug up all the pieces he could find. Then, he burned the present and returned to building the future.
Trottingham Windspur Castle While Dan and Spike were out 'running errands'...
It was snowing outside. A couple of clouds had gotten loose from the herd and were causing it to snow. The pegasi and other weather-regulating ponies and beings had only just recently returned to Equestria, so there were still a few stray clouds left to be wrangled. Even scattered across the globe, the pegasi were tenacious, determined and worked fast. It would be taken care of fairly quickly.
Celestia watched the snow fall gently. No ponies telling it to fall by hopping on it, no unicorns or magic creating it. It did so on its own, naturally. Naturally, as if that word had any sort of meaning or real significance any more. More so, it was just random. Reason was precious in a world without much, but in a world where things happened for a reason, random held value. Natural rather than supernatural.
She sighed. It took both. But which did they need more of now- control or chaos? And they'd just promoted Discord, too.
"We don't get to see that very often." Celestia knew the unmistakable voice of her advisor, Soft Spoke, anywhere.
"No. We certainly don't, do we?"
"I wouldn't mind visiting here more often."
Celestia turned, smiled and chuckled at her. "Sophie, you sound like you're needing more time off. All the paperwork getting to you?"
"Kehh, we just got back, your highness. You make it sound like I already need a vacation."
"Well, it wasn't exactly our choice to leave, was it?"
"True, true," the advisor pony said, adjusting her glasses. "Still, you make a good point about the paperwork. I do have a reputation to uphold."
"Stay. Please," Celestia said. "Watch the snow with me for just a little longer. It won't be long until they clear the skies anyway."
Soft Spoke, or Sophie as ponies had called her ever since kindergarten, knew what Celestia was asking her. She couldn't help but feel her heart warmed a bit by the request, even if it came from somepony as pained as Celestia. The rare times when the princess asked for something personal, it was because she needed it emotionally. It was lonely at the top. Sophie and Luna were among her only companions, her real friends.
For the longest time, Celestia had wondered what things would have been like if she had been banished to the moon instead of her sister. In the recent years, however, Celestia had been wondering what would've happened if she had gone to Ponyville for the Summer Sun Celebration instead of Twilight Sparkle.
"I wouldn't trade this... my position, for the world, your hi-highness."
Celestia smiled, and hugged her friend shoulder-to-shoulder. "Neither would I." It would be an hour before dinner and after that, the summit would begin. Until then, they had each other.
One hour later...
"Halt! This area is off-" The guard's voice was cut off. He couldn't move, couldn't turn his head, couldn't even speak. The dark-robed figure continued approaching, not even stopping as he strode past.
A waitress griffon was on her way to the dining room carrying a silver serving tray paused when she saw the stranger. Her beak was still open when she suddenly froze, unable to move, unable to do anything. The dark-robed figure picked the drink off her tray.
"Oooh, I'll take that. Thanks, babe." The stranger pulled back the hood of his cloak revealing not the Director, but a white human male, with short hair very nearly shaved and a pair glowing eyes somewhere between red and yellow, but not quite orange. He wore a malevolent grin, the kind of grin people with all the power and no place to put it wore. He looked evil and made no attempt to hide it, because there wasn't a point to hiding it any more.
Another pair of guards tried to stop him, and then suddenly were stopped themselves. They were frozen in place, enveloped in an energy field that seemed to have appeared out of thin air. It pulsed around them like static, clinging to the outsides of their bodies, armor and weapons, stunning them. They could only watch helplessly as the intruder entered the dining room.
Windspur Castle, Grand Dining Room
The doors to the dining hall exploded inward, practically breaking off their heavy hinges.
"Dear gracious!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. It's dinner time now? Seems a bit late, but I am new here," the stranger said. He drank from the glass he took from the waitress, downed the drink in a gulp and tossed the glass over his shoulder.
The Throne Guards, all six of them rushed the invader. Three from the right and three from the left, they charged him with their spears. No one barged into the same chambers as the nobles unannounced. He could only be an assassin, and so there was no hesitation.
They ever even came close. The intruder rubbed his hands together and then shot them outward, palms out. A burst of energy exploded outward from each hand, slamming into the ponies and knocking them backwards. They were blasted all the way to the corners of each room, their weapons clattering across the floor.
"So, now that I have everybody's attention, my name's Arteem. Arteem Surik. I'm the Sith Lord in charge of a very small, glowing ball of rock called Malachor V. And speaking of balls, I'm looking for one."
The diplomats, the royals, the nobles, none really knew what to think of him. He approached the dining room table, picked up another drink off it and downed it. Around him, the various dignitaries, their attendants and the castle servants were all quiet.
"Guy I knew used to say that a nation's worth could be told by how decent a drink it brewed. Yours would be... somewhere in the middle. But I killed him, anyway so..." he looked around the room. "What's with the lukewarm reception?"
"We're having a nice evening," was Princess Celestia's only reply. She continued staring outside, looking at the snow as it fell. Sofie had turned around, but the princess hadn't. Such events were that rare.
"So you're the bigshot here? Miss lady white horse?" Arteem leaped over the table and landed next to her. She still didn't acknowledge him.
"Please leave."
"Oh ho ho ho, you're being coy. I get it." But then, he touched her. "Let's see how you-*bam*"
A column of white light surrounded him. It radiated enough heat to lower the room's temperature several degrees, was nearly blinding light and an in instant, was gone. Any trace of Arteem Surik, the assassin who interrupted the princess, was also gone. Not a scorch mark, no remains, not dust or ash, he simply vanished. Thus was the true extent of Celestia's power, the ability to harness the energy of the sun in almost any way, on any scale. To completely and utterly annihilate if she so chose. This time, she did.
And yet somehow, some could still resist. Those like Rice, those like her parents. Others. Perhaps they would need Daybreaker's help after all.
"To answer your question, ministers, Equestria will stand. We need not stand alone, but we will stand on our own. So the question now is, where do you stand? Or do I need to make my position clearer?"
There were no further objections. The summit decided that Equestria would be united against the coming invasion. Any shred of neutrality had been wiped away. That evening, more than just the snow had fallen.
Errands: The Chapter Where Dan Goes Completely Insane
Dan did his best to make the bag of rice last longer than the bags of ice. Punching things seemed to be his version of squeezing a stress ball, and it actually seemed to be helping him. Dan's anger and inability to exact revenge on Rice Puddinghead was eating him up inside; now, he was beginning to suffer from hallucinations.
Spike didn't know what to think. At the very least, he would have a lot to tell Twilight about when they finally got back home.
"I don't think the rice is going to last much longer."
"Then go get another bag," Spike said. Thank goodness rice was cheap. Still, they were going to need a better alternative than this soon enough before Dan punched his way through everything in the store.
Dan dropped the bag. "I think... I think I'm seeing things, Spike."
"That does tend to happen when your eyes are open."
He grabbed a pair of cans off the shelves. He waved them around. "Look at this! Everything looks weird and... drawn and... animated! It's like we're in a cartoon!"
Spike gave a long, hard look at the camera and said, "You don't say." He looked back at Dan. "Come on, Dan. Let's focus on the groceries. We're getting close on the list to something you like."
"You mean we're leaving?"
"No."
"Pone Depot?"
"I thought you ordered stuff delivered from there."
Dan looked down at his feet. "I like going to the store. And just walking around."
Spike shook his head in confusion. "You like going to the store and just walking around? You just walk around and you don't buy anything?"
"I'm not used to being able to buy things! Access to the treasury is one thing but I'm just... well, I'm not used to it. Sometimes, I just like going there to walk around. I like being around hardware okay?"
"Uh huh," Spike nodded. "Well, we are going to an aisle you like next."
"Really? And what aisle is that?"
Spike led Dan around the corner, a couple of aisles and shelves over, down a good distance past the dried pasta and instant macaroni was-
"IT'S THE CANNED CHILI AILSE!!" Dan exclaimed. "Ahh, and they've got all the best brands!" They had exactly two brands: Timber Wolf-Brand and Hornel, pony versions of the quasi-popular Earth-based brands, Wolf-Brand and Hormel. In fact, most people that enjoyed chili made their own, but these canned chilis were popular in recipes. Dan liked them because they were quick and easy to make, they were a decent meal for him and Mr. Mumbles, they were very affordable, stored and kept well and he used the cans for various revenge schemes. They made great blunt objects or explosive traps.
Technically, the canned chili aisle was not an aisle, but just a few shelves at the end of dried and canned meats. Canned vegetables and canned fruits and canned bread had their own shared aisle. Being usually poor, Dan valued canned foods, mostly because he ended up eating them a lot. Off-brands like Spaghetti Rings and Mystery Meataroni were among his usual diet.
Honestly, it was rough for Dan when he was living in California. Ponyville, by comparison, was a lot easier and a lot healthier, all things considered. But the hard outlook on life, the rugged living never wore off on Dan. It was a part of him that Equestria's magic even amplified.
"Just pick a few cans to restock the pantry. I figured you'd like the opportunity to do this yourself," Spike said. Dan loved preparing. This included stocking foods for survival situations.
"I can't get a pallet of chili? Fluffle Puff's allowed pallet(s) of ham."
"I know you're joking."
"I am," Dan admitted, and happily placed the chili cans in the cart. Six cans, plenty for the time being, and that's what Dan was focusing on right now.
They went back to the breakfast aisle. "Did you get cereal?"
"Uh, no, we don't use it that often."
"What are these brands, even?" Dan said. Not everything had an Earth-based counterpart, including cereals. "Sugar-frosted honey holes? Sweet brown maple rings?"
"Umm... yeah, we don't eat cereal that often," Spike said, rubbing his neck.
"Why are cereal mascots so creepy?" Dan asked. He picked up a box of Honey-glazed Sugar Loops. "Is it a rule or something that all these cereals have to have weird sexual titles? You know, there's actually a story about the Kellogg's guy, John Harvey Kellogg, and he believed-"
"Look, Dan! Pop-Tarts!"
"Oooooh, Pop-Tarts!" Dan exclaimed. "Nice, and the variety boxes are on sale. Good spot, Spike."
"Yeah..."
"Hi there!"
"GAHH!" Dan nearly jumped back.
"What's wrong?" Spike asked.
Dan looked around. The aisle was empty aside from him and Spike. "I just thought I... heard... something..." It sounded like it was one of the sales pony robots. There was a coupon dispenser between the Pop-Tarts and cereal. Spike took a coupon, and the dispenser automatically replaced it. The design of the dispenser was meant so people couldn't just take all the coupons for themselves. Generally, it worked.
After that, they swung back around to the lunch meat aisle to pick up hot dogs.
"Can't remember the last time I had a hot dog," Spike commented.
"I can," Dan said. The underground fight club in Appleloosa, which had really been a stadium/museum complex created by the Director, was the last place Dan had had a hot dog. He remembered Cap, Chris, the Imperials and others and he missed them. Even with all the chaos and randomness they were dealing with at the time, it had been fun going on a quest. Getting revenge on Rice had given Dan purpose and focus.
Now, Dan felt like having a little taste of that. He picked up two large packages of franks. Maybe he'd combine them with the chili.
Dan and Spike picked up a few other things, basic stuff. Eggs, milk, frozen food- anything cold was best-saved for last so it stayed as cold as possible.
"Alright, we're at the end of the list now."
"Great."
"Last thing is... vegetables."
"We go to the farmer's market on Green Street for those," Dan said.
Spike rolled up the shopping list and then smiled knowingly at Dan. "Not for this."
The produce section of the supermarket was comparatively smaller than those of its counterparts on Earth. Ponies had more farms and a larger abundance of fresh fruits and vegetables, and regulations were a lot more strict. For the most part, grocery store produce was meant to be used as ingredients in salads. Not soups, stews or anything fancy, but simple salads. This applied to every vegetable, save one.
"Why exactly do we need a hundred and fifty potatoes?"
"For lots of reasons," Spike said. "Now, help me pick out some good ones. Make sure none of them are bruised or-"
"Yeah yeah, I know how to choose spuds," Dan said. He brushed a few of the potatoes aside, looking for ones that were decently-sized, shaped, none that were too old or damaged.
Dan took a potato in hand, looked it over with his eyes half-glazed, only paying that much attention. But when he turned it around, it looked back at him.
"Hello, Dan."
"AAAAAAAAHHH!" Dan dropped the potato.
"Dan?"
"The-the potato... it..." It looked like Rice's head. It WAS Rice's head. And then, so was every other potato in the display.
"Did you really think we were done with you?"
"AAAAHH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Dan screamed. He staggered backward, hand gripping his chest, scrunching up the JERK logo in the center until it was unrecognizable, as was his horrified expression. "No... no, it can't be! This isn't real!" He bumped into a display behind him.
"It may not be real," Rice said.
Dan spun around. The refrigerated juice case was behind him, stocked full with various fruit and vegetable juices. But the labels all had Rice's grinning face.
"Start your day with something else that's one-hundred-percent freshly-squeezed!"
"AAAAAAA- Spike! Spike!"
"Dan, what's wrong?"
"Everything is... he's everywhere, he's-" Dan looked down at Spike. Except it wasn't Spike. It looked like Spike, was a purple dragon like Spike, but his face was unmistakably-
"RIICE!! AAAAAAAHHH!" Dan dropped everything. Spuds flew everywhere. Arms flung up into the sky, Dan went screaming down the aisles of the supermarket.
"Time to get Twilight," Spike said to himself. He began writing on the back of the shopping list and then incinerated the note with his flames. The ashes would reach Twilight soon, hopefully soon enough.
Dan bolted outside. He could've sworn the stock boy, even the voice of the automated sliding doors were Rice's voice. He was everywhere! Dan was losing his mind, and he knew it!
He ran down the street, past Sugar Cube Corner. Sweet Street intersected with Green Street which ran around the rim north of town down to the west, bordering the Everfree. He pressed himself against the wall of a cottage, hoping no one saw him. Hoping Rice didn't see him. How was Rice everywhere? It didn't make sense.
Dan started to calm down. His heart rate normalized. He couldn't beat Rice if he was everywhere. He couldn't beat Rice period, as the princesses had ordered. But... his mind continued, he needed some way to exact justice. There had to be some way to get revenge. If he didn't, Rice would just keep coming back, that he knew. And he was right. But what could he do about it?
Revenge, yes, that was the answer, but how? He didn't even know where Rice was, aside from the illusions surrounding him, which weren't even really good in hindsight. Equestria was telling Dan to get revenge, that had to be it. Yes, this was a message, a magical message for Dan and Dan alone. Dan had to get revenge... but how? What was something Rice valued more than himself?
Dan looked up and down the street. No one was coming, no one was searching for him. It was night, and the streets were dark aside from the firefly street lamps. He was completely in the shadow of the building, no one could see him even if they were looking for him. He could escape Ponyville, maybe pretend he had been kidnapped or something. With things in Equestria still returning to a sense of normalcy, it wouldn't be impossible for him to just slip away unnoticed.
He looked further down the street. The lights of Ponyville General Hospital were brightly illuminated near the north of town. Just a few blocks away from the hospital was-
"Yes... yes, of course!" Dan said to no one.
In a pocket of the north-west corner of town, carved into an outcropping of the Everfree Forest was the cemetery. It was just on the other side of the river- he could run across the dam and get there to avoid the obvious route. The cemetery was small, and the smaller pet cemetery was nearby it, a quiet and secluded spot for the spirits of the departed to rest in peace. Apart from the occasional Nightmare Night prank or funeral, the cemetery was empty of activity. Graverobbing was unheard of.
Until now.
A sinister smile spread over Dan's face. It was time he dusted off another favorite past-time of his own from Earth: graverobbing. And he knew the name of the grave he was going to rob: Vice Grip. Dan snuck through the streets of Ponyville to the cemetery, intent on defiling the grave of Rice's son.
Errands: Lemme Tell Ya, Bustin' Makes Me Feel Nauseas
"Hahaha...HA HA HAHAHA!" Dan laughed as he ran through the dark streets of a Ponyville at night. All he needed was a shovel or something to dig with, easy enough to find and he would dig up the body of Rice's son. After that... he didn't know. He wasn't really thinking straight, or stable at that moment, but he would figure things out. Yes, after he got revenge, THEN he would figure things out, THEN he would be stable and sane again. That made sense, didn't it?
Yes. Yes, of course it did. Rice was the enemy. He had tried to murder Dan and his friends, tried to blow up the planets they lived on multiple times. Nearly succeeded, too, but Dan had stopped him. Now, he was out there, and he would come back unless Dan did something. Nothing was off-limits. He would defile Rice's son's grave and taunt Rice with it, maybe bulldoze the gravestone. Whatever it took to piss Rice off, to even the score.
Maybe even Rice would get so mad that he would attack Dan sooner. Then, Dan could kill Rice, or hopefully capture and torture and then kill Rice under the pretense of self-defense. Self-defense was a perfectly logical justification for torturing someone. At least, it was to Dan at that moment. He wasn't really thinking straight, or thinking that much at all, which might've explained at least some of his irrationality.
Usually, Dan wouldn't bother digging up the corpse of a hated enemy's family member, no matter how much it despised them. It was pointless. Holding live hostages was far more effective at gaining leverage and honestly, Dan could skip all the work and just pretend he dug up Rice Jr. and the word would reach him. Same result, a lot less work. But Dan's lust for proper vengeance was holding the reins of his mind at that moment, and it wouldn't let go.
"Haha... ha ha ha ha..." he chuckled to himself as he ran through the night. "The power plant," he said aloud to no one, "they probably have shovels there." They don't. "Power plants need to dig things." Nope. "They'll have shovels and pick axes and..." Probably not. "And trowels! I've never used a trowel to dig something before! This will be new!"
Dan did not even know what a trowel was. A trowel, or hand-shovel, is a tool primarily used in gardening and landscaping to dig small holes for planting. It is part of lawn and garden maintenance and not used to dig graves. Not deep ones, anyway.
He was almost to the dam. He could see it from the outskirts, but something was wrong. It was lit up, all the lights were on. And there were ponies gathered around the front of it. They weren't there for Dan, either.
"Well, thank goodness you were here. I think it's safe to say that if you hadn't stopped that ghost, why, the whole town could've been without power for weeks!"
Dan came to a halt. "What the hell is this?" He wasn't close enough to the crowd to be heard.
"It was pretty tricky, but thanks to Spidey here, we took out those spooky specters without hurting Ponyville's power grid," Scootaloo said.
It was the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Except, they weren't they were the Cutie Mark Ghostbusters. The CMG. They were wearing their Ghostbusters costumes and equipment from the Christmas episode. Only they weren't costumes. On top of that, someone was with them.
"Is that fucking Spider-Man?"
"Man, talk about ghosts in the electrical system, right? That's a whole new take on phantom power."
Spidey's comment drew laughter from the crowd. Photographers- the non-stalker variety, were taking pictures of the CMG and Spider-Man. The manager of the power plant, a mustached pony named Ohm Field, congratulated all five of them. Ghostbusters teams worked in quartets, so Babs Seed was added to the group.
"Thank you too, Spider-man, for your timely assistance."
Spidey shook the pony's hoof heartily. "Eh, that's what I'm here for. But even I have to call the professionals sometimes."
"And he knows who to call!" Sweetie Belle added. More laughter, applause and cheers from the crowd.
"HEY! Who the hell's show is this?!" Dan exclaimed. But no one heard him, or if they did, they didn't pay any attention. They were too busy wrapped up in the spectacle of the Cutie Mark Ghostbusters having busted a pair of pesky poltergeists at the power plant with the help of Spider-Man.
Applebloom held up a steaming ghost trap, still hot and fresh with the contained ghoul safely inside. "Eeyup! Ponyville doesn't need to worry about the lights going out while we're around!"
"That's another reason to pay your power bill, folks."
Dan was dumbfounded. Heroic antics, witty banter, celebrations and fighting ghosts? Was there another show going on at the same time his was?!?!
"Anyway, don't let me keep you folks up. Remember, no matter what kind of powers someone has, the REAL power comes from team work. Until next time, gang!" And with that, Spidey jumped off the damn, caught a streetlamp with one of his webs and swung low enough to skim the water in the river. He swung from lamp, to street corner to roof top until he disappeared. The crowd watched every bit of Spidey's web-slinging action; a chance to see the real Spider-Man was something to see.
"So now SPIDER-MAN IS HERE?!?!" Dan yelled. "And the CMC are Ghostbusters?! That's... WHY? I WANT TO BUST GHOSTS!!"
The crowd quickly dispersed. The CMC were given a medal, special thanks from the Equestria Power and Lighting Company and a gift certificate valid at any participating Outback Steakhouse good for fifty percent off their meal(of a purchase of thirty bits or more including entree.)
"Wait, wait a minute, stop," Dan grabbed hold of Applebloom.
"Oh, hey Dan!"
"Hi Dan," the CMC went, simultaneously and in the most adorable vocal harmony ever.
"What was that all about? Did you just- did you ACTUALLY bust ghosts at the power plant?"
"Haha, sure did!" Sweetie Belle said.
"We'll tell ya all about it Dan, but later," Babs said. "We've got to get the trap back to the protection grid pretty quick. Don't want these guys to get out again."
"But... but I..."
"Later, Dan!" They hopped on four matching Ghostbusters-themed scooters and zipped away. The scooters had sirens that sounded exactly like the one on the famous Ecto-1.
"Dammit that's... that's not fair," Dan whined. "I wanted to be a Ghostbuster! I STILL DO! WHY DON'T I GET TO BUST GHOSTS?!" Probably the ultimate 80s fantasy for any fan of the 80s, being an actual Ghostbuster was a dream for many, including Dan. Yes, Dan had saved Equestria on multiple occasions, fought wars, fought giant robots, traveled across the globe, flown into space, traveled to parallel dimensions, saved Earth, his friends and pretty much everyone on two planets from almost certain destruction but busting ghosts was STILL really, really freaking cool.
And now Spider-Man was part of Equestria. Actually, he had been part of Equestria for quite some time now. The CMC, now the CMG, were on their own separate quest that involved their own cast of characters, strange faces, weird cases, epic battles and far-out places much like Dan. The only difference was that Dan's quest was seemingly done and theirs was still just beginning.
The CMG had formed shortly after Christmas but things really ramped up after Dan rescued them. When Equestria's core was exposed, it caused ripples in the dimensional fabric, but the things that came through hadn't been obvious. Ghosts had infiltrated Equestria as well, and the CMG had stepped up to the plate to stop them. They even had regular contact with Ray, Egon, Peter and Winston, the original Ghostbusters who called them through a communicator in their treehouse, now a tree fort.
Wait, Dan thought, "The CMG! They can help me bust Rice's son's ghost!" he said. And then, he continued thinking. "But then... what would I do with it? What could I..." He was beginning to feel sick. "Oh gawd." And hurled off the side of the dam.
He wiped his mouth and got off the railing. Alone again in the dark. Spike wasn't following him, but he knew the dragon always had a direct link to Twilight and the princesses. Dragon breath magic was not common in Equestria; only Twilight's family and the ancient Starswirl were known to practice incineration-rematerialization. Twilight cutely referred to the process as in-cinders messaging.
Okay, focus. Diggin' up bodies. He went down into the power plant. He'd been there a few times and was beginning to get to know his way around. Unfortunately, no shovels. The Ponyville Power Plant stowed its equipment pretty well when it wasn't in use, contrary to most industrial sites Dan was familiar with on Earth. Back in California, Dan could totally-legally enter just about any hard hat area and make off with a few tools. Here, thanks to his own promotion of safety and security throughout the kingdom, all materials related to work were looked up pretty tightly.
In fact, if he tried to blow up a supply closet, it might cause damage to the dam, making it very much not worth it. Dan had had a profound impact on Equestria, and surprisingly, it had been beneficial. Ponies had embraced most of Dan's ideas, and Dan had embraced the ponies, but he wasn't the only one there. There were other heroes, including the CMG and Spider-Man. Just as things were on Earth, it took all kinds.
After about ten minutes, Dan gave up searching for the power plant and went straight to the graveyard.
"Rrrr... Errrraaaggg..." Dan growled relentlessly. Nothing else mattered but revenge. He was angry, angrier than ever and it gave him focus. His fists were balled but he'd already shouted Rice's name, so what was the point of shouting it again? No, he needed to find Rice's son's grave. He would dig it up with his bare hands if he had to.
Behind him, a train was arriving at Ponyville, a late night freight delivery. Most ponies didn't know what was on that train, but Dan did. He had ordered it.
Twilight's ear twitched. She didn't even notice it, as most ponies didn't, but Chrys and Phoenix were acutely aware of it. They were also acutely aware of her teleporting all over the library pulling books off shelves and rearranging them.
"No, no no- THIS one, THIS one is supposed to go there! And what-" she pulled up a stack of Daring Do graphic novels. "These are supposed to be in the back! What are they even doing in the foyer?!"
"Twilight," Phoenix said, approaching her from behind. He had to duck as a book flew by him. "Maybe it's time to take a break."
"This isn't how we reorganized things! It's like the entire Dewey Decimal System turned itself upside down!!" exclaimed the frantic Twilight. Books were beginning to clutter the floor of the library. This was one of Twilight's weaknesses: when there was a problem, especially one she couldn't solve, it tended to make her single-minded. Hyper-focused, might've been a better word, especially when it worked to her advantage, but now was not one of those times. Her narrow focus was making a mess of things.
She teleported, vanishing in a flash, only to reappear a second later holding a book cart in her magical grasp.
"WHY IS THIS EVEN OUT?!?!"
"Twilight," Chrys repeated. She grabbed the cart and several falling books with her own magical grasp. Gently, she lowered it down to the floor.
Twilight's ears twitched. Chrys and Phoenix both wrapped their arms around her, embracing her in a comforting hug. Definitely a bad idea to do that to Earth-based horses, but Twilight was Equestrian. Which still made it a bad idea. Instantly, she teleported herself, and all three of them to the back of the library.
"GAH!"
The back of the library, directly behind the living room, contained the bulk of the library's books. Finely hoof-crafted wooden shelves of tomes upon tomes of books by Equestria's greatest authors. Copies were available in the Library of Canterlot, but the Golden Oakes held only first editions and the original prints. There were very few, if any, duplicates because of the library's small space, but ponies in Ponyville were good at sharing and patient, as well as being voracious readers, so they never had to wait very long for a book to return. Apart from the occasional overdue book, which was even less-frequent since Twilight became a princess.
Dan's renovations had only affected the structure of the library, not its layout. The wood had been reinforced with extra material, especially sound-absorbing materials and of course, every weapons system from the Pone Depot Home Defense catalog. What had changed, very recently, was the book layout. Specifically, everything had tried to return to the way it was over three years ago when Twilight first arrived in Ponyville.
Phoenix shoved his way out of the storage closet. "Twilight, I like being organized as much as the next guy... maybe a little less, but there's no reason this has to be done now. We still have all the books. They're just... not in the right places," he said, taking a book off his head.
It was apparent now to Twilight that while the Golden Oakes Library had been shielded from Equestria's 'reset,' by virtue of it being on the moon at the time, the magic coursing through Equestria was not fully harmonizing with it. The Crystal Empire, having been protected inside the Crystal Heart at the time, had been the same way. Once again, Crystal Ponies seemed to be having difficulty with their recent memories.
So the books in the library were not in their correct places, but some were, and were rapidly teleporting themselves from one place to another. Twilight's battle was unwinnable.
"Alright I... alright. I give up. For now," Twilight announced. Shoulders slack, she abandoned the pile of books and walked back to the living room with Phoenix and Chrys.
Phoenix noticed something else on the floor. He stopped, knelt down to pick it up and was perplexed at first. It was a feather, a single purple feather. There was another one nearby, and another one by a shelf. It only took a moment for Phoenix to realize where they were coming from.
He hustled back to the living room. "Twilight, I really think you need to relax."
"Did you get shorter?" Chrys said. One hoof under her chin, she put another one over Twilight's head. It somehow seemed like Twilight was a couple inches taller last time she checked.
"Ohhh, sweetie," Chrys wrapped her longer legs around her. "It's going to be okay."
"Thank you..." Twilight muttered.
"Umm, we don't really KNOW that for sure-"
"Shut up, Nick."
"Yeah, Imma shut up now." (I have smart moments and I have dumb moments. That one was the latter.)
Chrys pushed away for a moment. "Your magic's just... discomboobulated."
"Discombobulated?"
"That, too. And no matter what happens, you know we'll get through it. Together," Chrys said.
Phoenix nodded. "How about we take a break for tonight? We'll start again tomorrow, work a little each day until all the books are back in the right place. On a more stable basis."
Together, Phoenix and Chrys coaxed Twilight onto the couch and sat Lyra-style with her in front of the t.v. Phoenix got the remote and turned it on, hoping to find a nice distraction for them all. Channel surfing was a good enough way to get their minds off things for the moment.
"Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse is on," Phoenix said.
"Eh, I've seen this one. The girl in the red shirt finds the marble like two minutes in," Twilight said.
"Ah." Phoenix changed the channel. SpadHouse, or Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse was a variety show hosted by t.v. star and janitor, Stanley Spadowski. Known for his upbeat and determined outlook, you never really knew what you were going to see. The show aired on U-62 in several universes, including Earth and was currently in its twenty-fourth season and was entirely unpredictable. At times, Stanley would do entire episodes on the street that would go on for two and three parters and other times, he would spend an afternoon at a mini-golf course or other location. Episodes typically lasted an hour and the show was immediately followed by Town Talk with George and Teri Newman.
Phoenix continued channel surfing. "We could just watch cartoons. Might be something new on."
"There's too much CG-stuff in new cartoons," Twilight said. She flipped upside down on the couch. "I dunno. I'm just kinda... feeling blegh."
Chrys carefully flipped her up. "Well, try to relax for us. Please."
"Oh, here's something relaxing- it's the news." Phoenix found the channel I broadcast on and it just so happened my evening show was running.
"Is there any indication when future talks might be planned?"
"We have not heard anything from the secretary at this time, Barro, but it does appear the princess is ready to continue the current meeting."
"Well, the princess may not have issued a statement, but it appears the griffons and zebras have. The Equestrian embassy in Verticia has been informed the griffons are not pleased by the apparent snub from Princess Celestia. Neither nation has released official statements at this time, but the fact they weren't invited to the summit appears to have hurt international relations."
"What?" Twilight got up. "Why wouln't she..." Neither Chrys nor Phoenix knew what to say; this was above their paygrade.
She turned aroud. "The griffons and Gust helped us out a lot. Their fleets helped defend and rebuild Ponyville."
"They did try to loot it first, but yeah," Chrys reminded her.
"And the zebras..." Phoenix started. "Uhhh... well, the griffons are still our allies."
An explosion appeared in front of the room. The flash was so bright and abrupt that it caused me on the television to nearly lose all my teleprompter notes. And those notes are important because our teleprompter was built in like the 70s. Vintage. Anyway, it was Princess Luna.
"Could you PLEASE use the door next time?" Chrys asked. "I mean, umm... if that's okay. Your highness."
Luna turned her gaze to Chrys. Chrys really wished she hadn't. Even though she was the smaller mare and the smaller of the two sisters, Luna was the intimidating one. Despite Celestia's immense power, and the fact Luna had been defeated before, the question over which was the most powerful still came up in late night bar discussions. Celestia had to use the Elements of Harmony, after all to defeat Nightmare Moon.
"I apologize," Luna said, in a voice that made it clear she was being truthful, but also very serious. The kind of voice that said "I get it but you need to shut up."
She turned to Twilight. "There's something you need to see." Luna put a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "I'm going to teleport us both, okay?"
"Okay," Twilight said. It's clear Luna telling Twilight before she did something was her attempt at improving her social skills. They exploded in a flash again and the two were gone.
Phoenix sighed. (Sometimes, I wish the magatama could do things other than just help me break psyche-locks.) He turned off the television.
"It's late," Chrys announced. "Does it feel like Dan and Spike have been gone for kinda long?"
"Yeah. They'll be back... eventually. Same with Twilight."
"Yeah," Chrys said, looking away. "Wanna order a pizza?"
"Sounds good." And then there was a knock at the door.
*knock knock knock knock knock*
"Wow, somebody actually knocked. You wanna get that- I'll do the order."
"Sure," Phoenix said. "Wings too? Boneless? With ranch?"
"Fine, but you have to take responsibility. I'm not listening to Dan's boneless wings speech again."
"He'll be fine. As long as we save him some." Phoenix went to the door. Dan typically ranted about boneless wings not actually being chicken wings every time it came into question. In fact, most boneless wings were in fact chicken breast nuggets and not made with wing meat at all, which made them a bit healthier usually. Dan, being a bit of a purist, didn't like the deception. Unless he had the right sauce to go with them and/or everyone agreed to call them "really big chicken nuggets."
Phoenix opened the door, the thought of hot, delicious boneless wings and a slice of pizza on his mind. Fluffle and Fuzzle would get their own pizza covered with ham and also ham with stuffed crust. The stuff in the stuffed crust would be ham, as would the rest of the pizza and the box it comes in. They'd have to order nine.
Zen Zeal was on the other side of the door. "Good evening, Mr. Wright."
"Hey," Phoenix said. And then his eyes went wide.
"Who is it, Phoenix?"
"I-d-d-d-d-ba-ba-ba-aahhh-d-j-j-gaaaa," Phoenix stammered, backing away from the entrance.
Chrys, phone to her ear entered from the kitchen and saw General Zeal. Her jaw dropped, followed by the phone.
"I apologize for the late hour... and uninvited nature of my visit. I wish to speak to Princess Twilight Sparkle. Is she available?"
It only took a moment for Twilight to realize where she was. She was back on the moon. To be more precise, she was on the moon's southern pole, the bottom of the moon. Oh wait, no- she was on top of the moon, she was just upside down.
"Guhhg!"
"Sorry. I don't teleport ponies here that often," Luna said, helping her up. Except, it wasn't quite Luna.
"That's okay. I know hard it can be to teleport. You have to keep track of," she looked up at 'not quite Luna.' "A... lot... of... ummm," she swallowed. "Stuff."
"That you do," Nightmare Moon said. She smiled a toothy grin. "How easy it is to just lose track of things. Like time. It seems like just yesterday we first met. Or... perhaps last night, would be more accurate. Hahahahaha..." She laughed, the haunting, evil laugh Twilight had dreaded since the first time she heard it, the laugh she sometimes still heard in her dreams. "That night would still be going on. Funny, isn't it? If I had my way, that one single night would have NEVER ended!"
Twilight lit her horn. "Luna, I know you're still in there! Somewhere!"
Nightmare put her hoof up. "Relax, Twilight Sparkle. It is still me."
"Oh thank the bucking Faust," Twilight said, nearly collapsing in relief. She looked around, getting her bearings once again. The moon was the moon, pretty much didn't change, even after all the stuff that happened on it. Apart from the secret Stable that had been buried on it, the space battle on it, over it and inside of it, the ursas making a temporary den there and the fact that Dan was now apparently building something on the dark side of it where nopony could see, hadn't changed that much at all.
"Have things felt... different to you, since we got back?" Twilight asked.
Nightmare nodded. "They have. Magic itself has been reset along with the planet. It's part of nature; the state of magic and the flow of the natural and supernatural forces in our world have returned to the way they were approximately three years ago."
Twilight looked at her own wings. They were slightly diminished since she'd gotten back. "Is that why I'm more... unicorn-sized alicorn?"
"And why I'm in my Nightmare form. The energy and magic used to maintain it are... in excess, right now," Nightmare Moon explained. "It's quite exhilarating! But, erm, as you are no doubt aware, greater power requires greater control. Over one's self, especially."
"Yeah, it's... quite overwhelming at first."
"Indeed," Nightmare Moon said, her tone both knowing and leading. "But you will need to master such power. And much more. And soon." She walked forward, from the pole to the dark side of the moon. Her gaze was fixed upward as she finally added, "Very soon."
"R-really?" Twilight said, eyes darting around. She hadn't been ready to become a princess when she became one, and it had taken over a year to even fully get used to it. Wings were really fun, though, so it wasn't something she wanted to give up. Or change too dramatically. Cautiously, almost reluctantly, she followed Nightmare Moon to the dark side of the moon.
The shadow felt like it almost crept over her rather than her walking into it. Twilight crossed the plane to the dark side and immediately felt cooler. The moon's surface felt colder and rougher not exposed to the sun's light, the moment the light stopped touching her. It shouldn't have been possible; the moon's surface didn't change that much from dark to light. Did it? The shadows felt like they were surrounding her, embracing her like coat offered by a stranger, unknown and heavy.
"S-so, what are we doing here?"
Nightmare Moon's horn, helmet and armor lit up, casting everything in a blue light. She kicked off from the moon to fly in space. Twilight- slowly and cautiously, joined her. They flew in space for a moment, beyond the orbit of the moon, beyond Equestria's orbit, further than the planet's bounds. The cold she'd felt hadn't dissipated, but it felt less clingy to her, more expansive. It was almost like it was moving, flowing everywhere at once. What was this power? Was it one entity, or more than one, or multiple ones coming together?
"You recall your time at the observatory in Donquestria. When you used the cannon," Nightmare Moon said.
"Uh, yeah, was meaning to talk to you about that. You see, we uh, we didn't really have much of a choice, but the gun club-"
"It's perfectly alright," Nightmare Moon said. "You did what you had to do. As did I. We may have to use the cannon for less exploratory means in the time fast approaching. For now, recall your experience with the guidance system."
Twilight nodded. The very motion felt difficult; she was having trouble keeping her balance without ground beneath her hooves. Every motion in the vacuum of space, zero gravity threatened to throw her into a spin. But she maintained her stance, even flew around a bit. It was easier than when she'd first gained wings, or was it because she was learning how to control herself faster? Again, it may have been a combination of things.
It almost always was. Almost.
The stars, galaxies, all the distant lights of space were dazzling, beautiful. It was breathtaking but Twilight had to focus. They were there for a reason. It was a bit of a thrill to think she could actually teleport herself to any point, fly like an eagle among the heavens, witness the birth of stars, destruction of worlds, creation of countless wonders all at once.
"Are you paying attention, Twilight Sparkle?"
"Oh, uh, yes! Now I am, anyway. You said the observatory?"
Nightmare nodded. "There were key stars and solar systems I identified as possible locations for a new Equestria. But not just a new planet." She turned to face her. "In times, we have teleported the whole of Equestria to new locations."
"The whole- the planet?" Twilight asked. She looked around. "Wait, did you say you've teleported the whole planet before?!"
"Cosmic disasters great and small threaten our world at times. There are beasts greater than the ursas that can swallow worlds whole. Rather than fight them, we have simply avoided most of them. But there are some beasts that cannot be avoided," Nightmare said. She highlighted a sector of space with her horn.
Twilight squinted. "I think... was that one ofthe worlds you were watching in your observatory? It is, isn't it?"
"It's gone."
"It's gone?"
"Completely," Nightmare Moon said. "The star, the solar system, all the planets have vanished.
Twilight darted forward, her head looking back between Nightmare Moon and the solar system. "But that's... how?"
"This was the magic of the king and queen. Of our parents. Of my..." her gaze drifted downward a moment. "Mother and father."
Twilight knew about them already. Occasionally, she felt their presence, the near deity-like magic of a being, of beings so powerful that they were nearly beyond comprehension. Their actions, their voices obeyed no known laws of physics but interweaved with them, overpowered them. Like a signal so strong it was heard on multiple bandwidths, distorting every frequency. Powerful sounds that pushed all else aside, not drowning them out but dominating them, going through them and around them in ways that could only be described as control. Like nothing else mattered.
"So they're really coming back?"
"Indeed. It takes long for light to travel from such a distance, but if you reach out with your senses, you can feel that some of the stars are vanishing," Nightmare Moon explained. "Even the light from them is vanishing faster than if the sun had died naturally. Something is absorbing the energy of entire planets, stars reducing them to naught but dust."
"That... oh," Twilight looked back to the stars. They disappeared even as they were talking about them. "Did that- did that happen just now?"
"About twenty minutes ago, give or take. I wanted to keep it up for the demonstration."
"Oh yes, that's very, very effective. I'm sure Cadence and Shining will understand the gravity of the situation, no pun intended, right away."
"And anyone else who needs to know. The guards, maybe," Nightmare Moon said. She turned back to Twilight. "Are you ready to return to the surface?"
"Sure. I can do it myself," Twilight said. Her horn glowed and in a flash, she was back outside the Golden Oakes again. It was better to return this way than just by abruptly popping into the living room, surprising everyone. Yes, when teleporting to a house, even your own, if there's others involved, best to teleport to the entrance and knock first. Something she'd learned.
But then Luna appeared behind her. Quite Luna, not Nightmare Moon. "I-I meant the surface of the moon."
"Ohh! Sorry." Twilight teleported back. Outside the library, the pizza delivery pegasus landed and knocked on the door.
Twilight reappeared on top of the moon. "Other side!" Nightmare Moon shouted.
"Right, coming!" Twilight cantered to the dark side of the moon again. Again, the cold shadows seemed to welcome her. She could've teleported right to Luna's position, but she was a bit... concerned about doing that.
The dark side of the moon obviously wasn't the dark side all the time. The sun's light hit every part at some point, it's just that this side was in darkness for the moment. It was the side where most of the battle had taken place; Luna had rotated the moon so the side with the scars was hidden from Equestria's view.
Twilight passed the unbroken crater-like plain where the Golden Oakes Library had been relocated, stolen by Rice Puddinghead. The place where the roots had been and where the ursas had slept had mostly faded, again from Luna's influence. The hidden Stable Zero that had been here, that had been more of a challenge to obscure. But Twilight knew there could be only one reason why Luna wanted to obscure all of this.
Nightmare Moon was facing one of the Magic Gears.
"Hi Twilight!" Ace waved.
"Hiii," Twilight waved back. It was a bit intimidating, talking to a robot in the dark. Especially when it was clear the Magic Gears had returned to their colossal sizes. Knight, Ace and the new one, Alt were all busy working, building along with the foodimals. Some of them were working in low orbit while others were working right on the surface, almost entirely in darkness, constructing things.
"So, uh, you found Dan's project."
"He and I have discussed this," Nightmare Moon said.
"Oh, great. Uh, when did you discuss it, exactly?"
"The night after we returned," Nightmare Moon said. Twilight suspected she meant that she visited Dan in a dream. And she had.
It had still only been a week since they'd returned to the reborn Equestria. It had taken a few days of collaboration between everypony, especially the farmers and weather managers to decide on what season it should be. Equestria had returned in a state of summer, yet the decision was made to make it spring so things could be restarted more efficiently. So Equestria's position and rotation had been rotated back, along with that of the sun and the moon to make it the start of spring.
With so much to do for all of them, it made sense that Luna would visit ponies in their dreams, while they were resting. She could have conversations for hours while in the dreamscape and for Dan, that meant the possibility of planning. Of course, she'd had to get him over the notion of taking immediate revenge, but Luna had made it clear she did not agree with Celestia's decision either. Like him, she did have to go along with it. So, their efforts had both been focused on other things.
"So, you're okay with all of this? Uh, is Celestia? Okay with it, I mean."
"She will be okay with it. I'll talk to her about it," Nightmare Moon said. She stepped forward. The assembly zone was massive, a bit abstract. There were no buildings, parts and pieces and supplies were scattered about, hanging in space. The foodimals were constantly moving between them, scurrying and pulling tiny parts and pieces together. The sandwich foodimal spun around on a power drill that wasn't quite stable. The salad foodimal carried a basket of bolts to the pizza foodimal's location. There were even a few ponies among them, royal guards of both the sun and night guard, mostly overseeing things.
They were building weapons, ships, even more tanks. The Danfiant was being reconstructed and upgraded; Twilight noticed several large containers near the ship with the Starfleet symbol on them. Shining and Cadence would probably be excited to see that. Not only that, other Miranda-class ships were being built as well nearby, about six of them.
"Dan's way of doing things has helped us much. Even Rice's influence cannot be ignored, nor his practices... nor machinations fully shunned. We will need every advantage," Nightmare Moon explained. "Technology will be useful, as will Dan's... more unorthodox methods. But material and nerve can only get us so far. You and I both know that this war will be fought mostly with magic."
Twilight nodded. "Yes. Our connection to the magic of friendship is vital, and our knowledge of its power will be crucial to our victory."
Nightmare Moon turned to Twilight. "Not victory, Twilight Sparkle. Survival."
"Sur-survival? Um... well, uh, don't they go together?"
She looked down. "If only it were that simple."
Twilight could feel Nightmare Moon was not looking forward to battling her parents. Just as Celestia had been heartbroken to banish her sister, now they were about to fight their own parents together, whom they had not seen nor heard from in centuries.
"Come with me."
"Okay," Twilight said. She followed Nightmare Moon away from the construction area.
They passed a lunar rover and what resembled a recreation of an Apollo mission landing. Pretty accurate one, too, right down to the United States' flag. Wait, was it real?
"Hey-"
"Please stay close."
"O... kay," Twilight said. "I'll just keep following you. To a secluded location. On an orbiting body that you completely control while you're in a form that's tried to conquer the world before. And nobody else knows we're here. It'll be fine. Totally fine. Right?"
"Quickly."
"Okay..." Twilight said, and picked up her pace.
Finally, the entire moon rotated under Twilight's hooves. It was a bit startling, as was a lot of things, but they were finally where Nightmare/Luna wanted them to be.
"Oh! Uh... why'd you do that?"
"You were taking too long," Nightmare Moon said casually.
"I kinda got lost. It's not easy to see, you know? Without the sun."
"That won't be a problem soon."
"Alright," Twilight stopped her. "Princess, your highness, really, you keep saying these things, but what exactly did you bring me here for? What are we doing here?"
Nightmare Moon approached her. "You needed to see how grave the threat is becoming. And that nothing is being spared to combat it. To prepare for it. You will need to be prepared as well."
Twilight recoiled slightly. "H-how, exactly?"
Nightmare Moon's horn lit up. All around them, the surface of the moon glowed. The entire dark side of the moon lit up in an eerie dark blue glow, the power of Luna coursing through it.
"Your powers as a princess are substantial, but not enough. In time, you would have unlocked greater power, that of the boundless rainbows. With Equestria and magic being reset, your development magically has been... altered. It represents a setback, but also opportunities. We must seize upon them if we are to survive," Nightmare Moon explained.
The spot between Twilight's hooves glowed purple. Her cutie mark, the symbol of the Element of Magic appeared beneath her. She could feel its power, the Elements even here. They were as much a part of the moon as they were the sun and Equestria.
"Harness the moon with your magic," Nightmare Moon instructed.
"Umm..." She nodded, finding her courage. "Okay." She raised up her head and closed her eyes, concentrating magic into her horn. Twilight felt the moon, felt the rock, cold to her hooves but hot and coursing with magic in every other way. It was a well of magic, a pulsing, beating, nearly living entity. It was part of Equestria. And Equestria was part of the sun. And the sun was part of every living thing on Equestria. It was flowing like an ever-constant stream of magic.
"Can you feel it? The magic, more than just the magic of friendship but harmony itself," Nightmare Moon said. "Magic is all around us, not just in other ponies and people but the world, even the stars and space. Even the void. Magic flows through it all."
"I-I can feel it," she said.
"And now it flows into you."
"I-" Magic began to rush into her. The flow didn't just pass through her, it built in her, her own magic empowered by it. It filled her brain like oxygen-rich blood, her pulse started to race. Twilight's breathing became fast, even though there was so little air to breath, virtually none. Air from other places flowed through her, countless other places, all connected.
Twilight opened her eyes. "This is... I feel incredible. I feel-" She looked around. The stars exploded like she was seeing them for the first time. Details she hadn't seen before, she had to blink to prevent her mind from being completely overwhelmed. It was overwhelming. "This is... this is-is almost t-too much." Her eyes glowed purple, her horn pulsed with a bright aura.
"Focus on that energy, Twilight Sparkle. Do not shut it out. Embrace it, embrace all of it. The light... and especially the darkness."
"D-darkness?" Twilight stammered. She was having trouble controlling her tongue. Also, it was cold on the dark side of the moon. Cold and dark.
Nightmare Moon nodded. "Yes. We must unlock your nightmare form."
Twilight stepped back, nearly tripped. Her legs suddenly felt hard to control... and longer. "This is-this is not, I don't-"
"Do not be afraid, Twilight Sparkle. I've learned how to control my light and dark sides. You will learn to control yours," Nightmare Moon said. "Focus."
"I-I don't-" Her eyes darted around. Her heart felt like it was going to jump out of her throat. "I don't know about this, Luna."
Nightmare Moon turned back into Luna. "It's going to be alright, Twilight. Just relax."
"O-okay..."
"Close your eyes."
She closed her eyes again. So much had happened she hadn't been ready for. Maybe this would be just another thing.
"You're going to have to focus a bit... inwardly," Luna explained. "To harness the power of negativity, you must think thoughts that are a bit selfish."
"But this... this is dark magic," Twilight said.
"It is only truly evil if it is used in evil," Luna said. "There can be no positive without negative, no light without darkness. You must learn to use both."
"Alright. I'll... I'll try," Twilight said, unsure as ever. She felt lots of magic, a lot of dark, light and other types of magic flowing through her. It was easy to center yourself, but also easy to lose yourself WITHIN yourself on the moon.
"I don't know if I can do this," Twilight said. She wasn't used to thinking selfishly. It wasn't right to be selfish. And yet, you had to be sometimes, so when was it right and when was it wrong? Maybe... maybe...
"Think of Dan. You derive a lot of your magic from your connections to your friends, yes?"
"Yes..."
"Use it. Use it the way Dan would," Luna said.
Dan... Dan... he was critical, always critical. Not condemning, but controlling, assertive, authoritative, basically a jerk. He was considerate and inconsiderate at the same time about different things. He was a living contradiction, a person that cared only about others and cared only about himself at the same time, a person that loved and hated the world and everything in it. He accepted it and tried to change it... perhaps it was the only way to really live.
"Applejack..." The picture of Applejack appeared in her mind. Her memories, everything about her time with her. Her family, from the moment she met them to the last time she saw them. The flow of magic carried and amplified these things to the point she could her AJ's voice in her ears, see her.
"What would Dan say about Applejack's honesty?"
"He'd say..." She focused. She imagined Dan. "He'd say she was too honest, sometimes. Like... he might say that she should work on..." She was beginning to lose it. Dan liked Applejack more than the others, it wasn't much to criticize. Not nothing, but not much to work with.
Luna stepped forward. Twilight was still glowing, her eyes and horn were glowing even though her eyes were closed. Glowing purple magic radiated from the moon around her hooves, flowing into her. It was a difficult state to maintain, useful mostly for meditation but manageable.
"Maybe we should try... Rainbow Dash."
"What about R-Rainbow?"
"You can be faster than her. Yes, much faster."
"I-" her eyes popped open. "Well, realistically, she IS the faster flier and even with training-"
"No," Luna shook her head. She returned to her Nightmare Moon form. "You can be faster! You can teleport! That's much faster. You traveled from the surface of Equestria to the moon instantaneously. How long would it take Rainbow Dash to fly here?"
"I-"
"How long, Twilight Sparkle? How long?"
"I..." She thought. "At her regular top subsonic airspeed, it would take... approximately forty-eight point four seconds with normal atmospheric and lunar conditions."
Nightmare Moon smiled. "And how long did it take you to teleport here?"
Twilight opened her eyes. They glowed purple. "I did it in an instant." There it was. She WAS faster than Rainbow Dash, she was the fastest pony of all. How many had ever teleported to the moon? She could count the number on one hoof. Twilight Sparkle, PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle, fastest mare in Equestria.
"I... I am faster. And stronger," Twilight said. "I know the most magic... the most spells. I figured out the Elements of Harmony when nopony else did. It was me. Yes, it was all me!" The light of the stars melted away. All light melted away except for hers. There was only her light and the darkness. There was only Twilight Sparkle.
"He... hello?"
"Hello," a voice said. It sounded familiar, like Twilight's voice but... not. Not quite Twilight.
"Who are you?"
"Well, I'm you, obviously. There's only the two of us here. And we're both you."
"What?"
"We're both Twilight Sparkle, aren't we?"
"I... I don't know."
"I think I know what's happened. It's really simple, actually. And we're both really smart. You see, I'm part of you. And you're part of me."
"But... who are you? What are you?"
"I'm you but a bit more... knowledgeable. More powerful, stronger, more magical. I'm a bit more."
"But who ARE you?"
"I told you- I'm Twilight Sparkle. I'm just not worried as much like you are. I'm not as much concerned about my friends or silly things like what the princesses think. I think I've always been here, like that voice in your head that says you can do better. I think I'm that."
"You're not... you're not me. You're just a thought."
"I'm a bit ahead of you, sweetie."
"I'm Twilight Sparkle."
"And I'm past Twilight. I'm beyond Twilight. I'm... I'm Nightfall. You can call me Nightfall Sparkle."
"Nightfall Sparkle..."
"And guess what, Twilight? We're going to have a lot of fun together."
"No... no! No, where are you? Where am I?! Where is this, who... what's going on?"
"Relax, Twilight. I'm in control now. You don't have to worry any more."
"No... no, stop. Stop. STOP!! STOP THIS NOW!!! STOP!!!"
Twilight woke up. And thankfully, it was still Twilight Sparkle. Except taller.
"Twilight... Twilight, are you there?"
"I... I'm here. I'm here," she said between breaths. Immediately, she was greeted by the sight of Nightmare Moon, this time at her eye level. That realization came with the fact that Twilight herself was now taller. And darker. Longer wings, longer legs, longer horn, the list went on.
Twilight had transformed. Her body was now a darker purple, nearly black, darker than her mane and tail had mostly been. Her legs were armored in black with a violet streak going up the side. Along her chest and body was new armor, shaped like her cutie mark. Upon her head was an armored helmet complete with her Element of Magic tiara on top of it... or at least, some sort of approximation.
"Oh... oh m-my," she said. Instinctively, her hooves went to her throat. "Is... is this maaaai vooooice?"
"That can happen, sometimes. It makes the Royal Canterlot Voice more natural," Nightmare Moon explained.
"I... I need a mir-mirror-" And one appeared even as she was thinking about it. A Twilight mirror, it was even adorned with her face, or rather, her new face. Not unlike the Twilicopter, which she was beginning to miss.
"Oh m-m-my," Twilight said. Her appearance, all the purple, glowing violet and black was a lot to take in. Her eyes glowed with purplish outlines around them radiating outward like a mask, and her mane was a hazy combination of purple, black, violet and mauve. Like the last light before...
"Nightfall..." Twilight, or rather, Nightfall, touched the mirror.
"That's not a bad name. Mine was actually given to me. A group of traveling sorcerers-"
"Well, you're still Twilight on the inside." Nightmare Moon transformed back into Luna. "Just like I'm-"
She held her hooves up to her face. "I'm... I look hideous! I look like... like a demon!"
Luna frowned. "You don't look all that different from me or Daybreaker."
"Who's Daybreaker? There's a Daybreaker now?" She looked back to the mirror, slowly calming down. Her face, her eyes, her horn, all different. Everything about her was... nightmarish. Or rather, Nightfallish. "Okay... maybe I'm not hideos. Or demonic. But, it looks a little..." She chomped her teeth. "Monstrous?"
Luna nodded. "That is precisely what we need."
She grabbed Luna. "YOU TOOK ME TO THE MOON TO TURN ME INTO A MONSTER?! ARE YOU BAT-BUCKING CRAZY?!?!" She shook the smaller pony, which actually had the effect of terrifying her.
"Please. Relax."
"Relax? Relax? What has RELAXING ever gotten me?!" Nightfall asked. "Just 'calming the eff down' hasn't ever gotten anything done in the history of... ever!"
"Twilight," Luna said, "Listen to me. It's easy to lose yourself to this power."
"Ohhh, like YOU would know," Nightfall batted the notion away. "Both you AND Tia have relied on me since I was a student. Since I was a little filly, you weren't ever training me to be your equal. You were training me to be your servant!"
More magic began to swirl around the new Nightfall Sparkle. The blue of the moon turned purple, began to erupt into hazy, purple aura. The moon never had an atmosphere before, never had much of a horizon but now, it looked like dusk. The moon was becoming twilit.
"Twilight, please! Get control of yourself!!"
Nightfall glared at Luna. "Twilight is over, princess." Light from the moon, from space poured into her body. A purple glow swirled around her, distorting everything until it had that same haze, the haze of twilight. It was her power, her will, and she controlled it all. "Now... here is your Nightfall."
"TWILIGHT!!" Luna turned back into Nightmare Moon. "STOP THIS!! STOP!!!"
Instantly, Nightfall rushed over to Nightmare Moon. She teleported in a bright purple flash, and with a single stroke of her leg, she booped Nightmare Moon right on the snoot.
"Boop." Nightfall giggled.
Nightmare recoiled. "Are you... are you squeeing kidding me?"
She nodded. "Eeyup. How did I do?"
"Hmm... not bad," she admitted. She turned back into Luna again. "You act like a bit of a nerd, though."
"Oh, like you're one to talk." She tapped her armored hoof on the ground. "Exactly how many game consoles are in this moon under our hooves, anyway?"
"Touche, Twilight Sparkle. Now... let us return to Equestria. This has been enough training for tonight." Together, they walked back to the light side of the moon. For that, they were both thankful. "So, how do you feel?"
Nightfall thought. "Taller. And... my teeth are shaper," she said, working her jaw a bit. She looked over at Luna. "You know... we kinda look like... well, sisters. Me and Nightmare Moon, I mean."
Luna's eyes widened a bit. "Yes. Erm, well, the similarities are... understandable, given we're both al-alicorns." She sounded like she was guessing. "But anyway, how do you feel with your magic?"
"Definitely more powerful. Stronger... tougher. Everything's just been amplified... so much." Twilight had always respected the relationship she had with magic. As Nightfall Sparkle, magic felt lighter than air, as if she could control the magic around her with a very thought.
"I feel like I could use magic more easily. Effortlessly, even."
"Yes, this is because you are now harnessing the power of magic around you, not just what's inside of you. As your power grows, you'll be able to expand your magical influence. For now, just tapping into the flowing magic of Equestria is enough. In time, you will learn how to focus and direct it," Luna explained.
Nightfall nodded. The most powerful alicorns and some unicorns could draw magic not just from their own bodies, channeling using their own hooves and horns, but control it in the environment. They were so strong, they didn't have to use their own energy at all but will magic around them to cast spells. As Nightfall, Twilight felt like a titan of magic. She could only imagine getting stronger, but now, it was looking like it really was possible.
"Okay," Nightfall said. "Umm... question?"
"Yes?"
"How do I change back?"
"Hmm..." Luna grinned. "That's a good question. I certainly don't know, Twilight Sparkle. Perhaps you should read up about that?"
"No, Luna, seriously. You can't leave me like this! Look at me, I look scary!" And she did. It was like a mixture of the 'Future Twilight,' Nightmare Moon and other things.
"Oh, you do, do you? Now you know how it feels," Luna said, walking on, forcing Twilight to follow her.
"Luna-"
"Think of it this way- if you don't find a way to change back, you'll look spectacular for Nightmare Night. Whenever that will be."
"Please, Luna-"
"What happened to 'your highness?'"
"I-I'm sorry." The now-taller nightmare pony lowered her head. "Please, your highness, how do I change back to my regular alicorn form?"
Luna cleared her throat and said in an officious voice, "First, you must gather the Elements of Harmony."
Dan didn't find Rice's son's grave, but he did find Rice's. It wasn't a small grave set off to the side or a large, ornate headstone, not something obscure or regal. It was the largest one in the cemetery and the most decorated one by far.
Dan was a bit surprised when he finally found it. He didn't have a shovel so he'd started digging with his bare hands. The name Rice Puddinghead IV was carved into a large, square headstone. At first, it was all Dan read, but he couldn't help but read more. He made excuses, kept glancing up at it, telling himself it might help him find a way to exact revenge on Rice. Finally, he put down the dirt and read the full epitaph:
Here Lies A Beloved Friend To All Our Cherished Chancellor Who Lead Us Through Our Darkest Days Our Second Sun His Light Went Out Far Too Soon Our Hero Forever In Our Hearts, He Will Be Shining
Beautiful words, Dan thought. He couldn't imagine Rice would write anything like that about himself. From what Dan knew, Rice had survived, made his way to the outskirts of the Crystal Empire and was trapped in the Crystal Heart for a thousand years. After that, Rice had infiltrated Canterlot as a history teacher and began plotting the destruction of the kingdom and revenge.
Dan had known Rice was a leader, even a well-liked leader and inventor in Ponyville's past. But he hadn't known how well-liked. Any sympathy Dan had for Rice was long since gone, but now... he was beginning to see uncomfortable similarities. He looked down at his own hands, covered in dirt, felt his heartbeat and was reminded of his own mortality. Whose grave was he digging?
"Dan!"
"Hey... Spike," Dan said, exhausted. "Did you get... did you get everything on the shopping list?"
Spike stopped just short of him, looking at the half-dug hole the human was sitting next to.
"What the heck are you doing, Dan?"
"I'm..." He looked up at Spike, no longer feeling any anger at the moment. "I have no idea."
Spike scratched his neck. "Well, you've spent the whole day trying to get people to join a revenge scheme, you went crazy in a supermarket and now you're tearing up a cemetery. My question is, why?"
"Why? Dan got up. "I... I don't think I can let this go, Spike. Not this. Not Vice. Or... whatever the squeeity squeeing squeeing squee his fake name was. I n-need to go after him, Spike. I NEED this!"
Spike shook his head. Where did he even begin? "Dan, do you know why I asked you to come with me today?"
"Because... no, I don't. It was to get me out of the house, right?"
"Yes, Dan. Because this is what I do. This is what I HAVE to do just about every week. Sometimes, Twilight does it, and she brings stuff back while she's out but eventually, I have to go to the grocery store." The small dragon walked up to him, even walked into Rice's half-dug grave. Even though he was shorter than Dan, much shorter now that he was in a hole, he was still a commanding presence. This was Spike in Dragon Code mode.
"Ponies all over Equestria do this. In the wake of, in the face of and DURING disaster. Life has to keep going. The wheel has to keep spinning, the world has to keep turning even as those out there threaten to stop it!"
"We SHOULDN'T be forgiving ponies who nearly BLEW UP THE WORLD ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS!" Dan fired back.
"I KNOW!!" Spike shouted. "We've had to do this FOUR TIMES in case you're counting!!"
"Stop," Dan said. "You say a word about my Chrys and the next grave I dig up will... umm...
Spike raised an eyebrow. "You wanna try that again?"
"Hold on, I had something there but... I'm saying like, we're in a graveyard-"
"Yeah, I got that, so it's like you're going to bury me."
"Yeah," Dan said. "It's just... it didn't came out right. I mean, I HAD something."
Spike gave him that. "No no, you definitely were going somewhere, I'll give you that."
Dan thought. "Okay, so... you say something about my Chrys and uh..."
"The next grave."
"The next grave... the next grave I defile will be yours! There we go!"
"Good job," Spike said. And the two smiled for a moment.
Dan leaned on Rice's tombstone. "Yeah, I tell ya, it's been a rough week. Rough month, even."
"Yep." Both men shared a bit of a bro moment, a broment, taking the time to just reflect on everything as a couple of guys in the middle of a graveyard at night. One of them standing in a half-dug up grave. Totally typical, nothing out of the ordinary at all about that.
"So... what were we talking about again?" Dan asked.
Spike sighed. "Maybe I should start over. So... Luna."
"Luna."
"Luna," Spike began. "When Twilight left the house, with her friends, to look for the Elements to beat Nightmare Moon, she left me behind. I mean, I get why; it was really dangerous and all that. But the first I ever saw of Nightmare Moon was her taking over Equestria. And when Twilight came back, there Luna was. I was happy, but..." He looked away. "Part of me always thought it was too easy."
"Because it WAS too easy, Spike. It was too easy for her, too easy for Sombra- I mean, where even WAS his redemption arc? Too easy for Discord and now he's gonna be mayor all of a sudden? This is the dude that was going to plunge Equestria into total chaos!" Dan exclaimed.
"Dan, that's not-"
"That's not how we do things? That's not how Equestria DOES THINGS?!" He swept his arms wide, "Seems like it's business as usual for the princesses. Doesn't matter if you threaten the whole world, just say "I'm sorry!" and you're totally fine, everything's fine, we forgive you, have a nice day."
"Dan-"
Dan got out of the hole. "Is this going to happen to me? Is this... is this..."
"How can you even say that?"
"Vice was a hero, too! He's a hero and some weirdo princess we don't even know tried to murder him, ended up offing his son instead! What if that happens to us?! What if try doing something the princesses don't like and they try to kill me, Spike?! What if they kill you instead?!!"
"That's not going to happen, Dan!"
"HOW. DO YOU. KNOW."
"I don't!" Spike threw up his arms. "You're nuts, Dan! You've gone off the deep end. Completely. You want me to predict the future? Is that it?"
"I'm crazy? I want to know what YOU do, how YOU can just be fine with all of this when the SAME THINGS KEEP HAPPENING!" The two men were now shouting in each others' faces.
"I JUST TOLD YOU," Spike shouted. "I MAN UP, DAN! That's what I've been trying to show you this whole day! I know you have trouble accepting things- so do I! But we do and we have a little bit of faith in our friends! We trust each other!"
"How can you trust ME to do that?"
"Because you're our friend!"
"WHY?!?!?"
And that was when Spike took a step back. "You're afraid."
"YES, I'M AFRAID!! Why do you think I wan to kill Vice Grip? I have to find him. I have to fight him. I have to do this for all of us and we should be doing this together!" Dan shouted.
"Why does it matter if we're not with you?"
"I don't wanna do this alone, don't you get it? I don't want him to take away everything we have."
"Dan-"
"I don't want him to take away all my friends again!"
"Dan-"
"I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME!!!"
Silence. It wasn't the fact that he might die, or that Rice might kill them all that frightened Dan. It was the possibility that it would change things, that doing things the wrong way, or just letting things go the way they were meant that they would be separated eventually. That things would either end with Dan being killed... or left completely alone. That they wouldn't want him because he was too violent, because he was a failure or any number of things. Now that Dan had friends, he was afraid of losing them. He was afraid of being alone.
Dan stood with his head down, eyes somewhere in the hole he'd half-dug. That was how he felt in more ways than one. Perhaps it was a metaphor for a lot of things, in that moment.
Spike walked over and wrapped his arms around Dan's legs. The human knelt down and hugged his dirt-caked arms around the tiny dragon. Now, they shared a fear together, something in both hearts that connected them. There was a point where they could get beyond that fear, but it would always be there. Losing Twilight would be more than either of them could bear, but every few days, she would be off on another adventure with her friends. Sometimes, they would join them and sometimes they wouldn't. Sometimes, they'd have to stay at home and run errands.
"I'm sorry, Spike."
"I'm sorry, too. I just... I didn't realize someone would ever understand. What I do."
"It's okay, I..." Dan sobbed just a bit. "I'll give it up. I promise. I'm tired, I'm... I'm done. I'll give up getting revenge."
"What are you talking about?"
Dan pushed away, nodding. "It's alright, I'm better now. I got it out of my system. I can give up-"
"No," Spike said, shaking his head. "You're not giving up anything."
"What? What are you saying? Spike-"
"You're not giving up anything, Dan," Spike said. Tiny, crystal-like tears formed in the corners of his eyes. "I'm going to help you kill Rice."
"What? Spike-"
"We're gonna get that motherbucker together, Dan!"
"OH, you little purple son of a squee!" Dan wrapped his arms around Spike's shoulders again. "Thank gawd you said that. You're really gonna help me kill him?"
"Yes," Spike nodded. Both men were in tears now. "And we're gonna get Twilight and Chrys and Phoenix and everybody to come with us. The way it should be." They cried, they hugged, even as Dan tried to push away.
"Oh thank goodness you said that- because I was just bluffing. I was never really going to give it up. That was jus-just a bluff."
"No it wasn't," Spike said.
Dan nodded. "Fine, it wasn't! But you can't tell anypony this conversation even happened!"
"What the buck are you talking about- I'm telling Rarity tomorrow!"
Dan lifted up Spike. "Alright, I'm burying you in the grave now!"
"Hahaha, not if bury you first!"
"Come here, you little Spyro ripoff!"
"You can't catch me!"
Dan and Spike laughed, cried and played probably the most effed-up version of hide-and-seek Ponyville had ever seen. They took turns trying to bury each other, both of them rolling around in the dirt, playfighting. They were part of Equestria's sweetest dysfunctional family, and nothing was ever going to change that.
Exhausted, they both dusted themselves off as best they could, a futile effort but one they made.
"Hey, let's go home."
"Best idea I've heard all day," Spike said.
Dan threw his arms back. "You know, no matter what happens, Equestria, Twilight, all of 'em, they've got us. We're gonna be alright."
"Yeah!"
"Even if we DO tear up the place sometimes... Twilight understands. She's always the responsible one, you know?"
"Yeah," Spike nodded in agreement. "She always forgives her friends, even if they were villains."
"Heh," Dan chuckled. "Hey, could you imagine Twilight as a villain?"
"Pffft, are you kidding? That'd never happen."
"Crazy idea, right?"
"Completely."
In fact, neither of them could imagine Twilight as a villain. They couldn't imagine Chrys or Sam as villains, for that matter. Discord, well, he was getting his own t.v. show so he was another story. Twilight and Chrys being anything other than themselves, however, that sounded like another universe.
While Twilight was getting training and while Dan and Spike were in the graveyard, Phoenix Wright and Chrys were having dinner. With a ruthless conqueror and war criminal.
"I hope this is okay," a phrase Chrys thought to herself fairly often, as she vocalized it now and levitated a cup of tea to Zen Zeal.
"It is fine. Thank you," Zen said. The zebra closed his eyes and took a sip, said nothing further. He was there to see Twilight, but as Twilight wasn't there, he was waiting for her. As were Chrys and Phoenix. So now, the situation was a bit awkward.
"Well, since we're waiting, I don't think Twilight will mind if we go ahead and eat now," Phoenix said. Even as he spoke, he was suiting action to words, opening the box and pulling out a hot slice of Ponyville's delivery pizza. Chrys did the same.
"So, umm, general," Phoenix said while eating, "what brings you all the way to Equestria?"
Zen took another sip of tea. "War."
Chrys and Phoenix nearly gagged on their pizza. Apparently, Zen noticed.
"I have no intention of invading Equestria again. I speak of the impending war, the one to come when the king and queen return."
"Ahh!" Chrys said, almost relieved. Well, not ALMOST. "That's good to hear, really. We uh, we didn't like fighting you."
A sly grin crept into the edge of the zebra's mouth. "I know."
Phoenix sat down, grabbed another slice and monched. "So, mmm, giving your... nature, I take it you want to fight in this war? And since you're here, in our house, under a banner of peace..."
"That would mean you want to fight for US," Chrys finished for Phoenix. "Wow, Nick, you're really smart." The lawyer shrugged, a slight bashful.
"You are correct, both of you. With the approval of your princesses, my legions will be the first into battle. The armies of the Zebra Kingdom, not Equestria, shall meet the enemy first, defending our world, our homes and our subjects. Against the deposed king and queen, there can be no greater honor," Zen Zeal said.
"Wow. You're one serious dude," Chrys said. "Like, from one invader to another, I gotta give you props. You love what you do and you do it well."
"Hang on," Phoenix said. "You're wanting to be the FIRST to meet the king and queen's armies? Whatever forces they send our way?"
Zen looked over to him. "Yes."
"In space?"
"Yes."
Phoenix and Chrys exchanged quirked eyebrows. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't exactly have... space access, do you?"
"Not as much as I would like, no," Zen said. Technically, there WAS a a spear-and-potion technique that allowed zebras to teleport anywhere a spear they threw landed, and in theory it could be used to teleport them to the moon or space if launched high enough. There wasn't a rule that the spear had to be thrown by hoof. But such a potion required a lot of resources and a long time to brew. Pony teleportation was a quicker solution and could be used to warp entire armies, if used properly.
"So you want Luna or Twilight or somepony to teleport you to the moon?"
"Rmmm," Zen leaned forward. "I would prefer to discuss details with the princesses."
"Uh huh," Chrys said. "You're wanting a good fight. That's what you get out of this. And what do WE get?"
"AAA, AA-HEMM," Phoenix loudly cleared his throat. "Errhem! Errm."
"Is everything alright, Mr. Wright?"
"Relax, Nick," Chrys said. She leaned forward, clicking her hooves together. "The Director wanted a good show out of us. She got that. You, you want a big war where you and your troopers get all the honor and glory and stuff, but what do WE get?"
"Apart from not being subjugated, conquered, utterly and completely destroyed or the numerous other things the king and queen might do to your fair kingdom?" Zen asked coyly.
"Yes," Chrys said. "That precisely. Your kingdom is part of Equestria, too, so you're already planning on defending it. Am I right?"
Zen held his tea and his gaze at the changeling. "Yes."
Chrys nodded. "Exactly. So you're already getting something out of this. You want to play on our time, that's one thing, but you wanna be the first at bat? Sweeten the deal for us."
Zen glared at her. He took his tea and sipped it again. "I am a warrior, not a politician. That being said... I did foresee such negotiation being necessary."
Phoenix rubbed his chin. "You do know what we're up against, right? The king and queen have conquered, basically space. What we know of it. Super-powerful, god-like beings of untold magical power and destructive capability?"
"To be fair, Zen and his zulu dudes survived being nuked. Twice," Chrys reminded him.
"I have survived far worse. This is a test, a challenge and I intend to meet it. I am a warrior. My zebras are warriors. We will not sit idly by, watching from afar while Equestrians fight our battles for us," Zen said.
"You're planning on fighting would-be celestial deities with wooden spears."
Zen rose. He drew his spear and aimed it at Phoenix's neck. He stopped just short of slicing him with it. Eyes narrow, he gritted his teeth and said:
"I held your entire kingdom by the throat with a wooden spear."
Phoenix felt sweat forming on the back of his neck. Maybe the pizza was too hot, or maybe he was nervous. But he held Zen's gaze.
"We beat you. With flashing lights and music. Your army collapsed. I saw it. You were beaten by good vibes."
"I laid waste. To your CITIES."
Phoenix lowered his hands. "You were beaten by a set of drums."
"You play a dangerous game, arbiter."
Phoenix tapped his foot. Bump-bump, bump-bump.
Zen Zeal sat down again. "This conversation serves no purpose. Perhaps your princess will be more agreeable to my proposal."
"I think Dan would agree," Phoenix said.
"Is that so?"
Phoenix nodded. "Yeah, I think he'd let you guys fight first." (And he'd also enjoy and laugh watching you and your zebras get slaughtered by the king and queen, too.)
"I think he'd like using your army as cannon fodder," Chrys said.
(Good girl, Chrys.)
Zen was undeterred by this. "I do not plan on I or my soldiers to be fodder. We will brunt the enemy's assault, turn them back and send them back into the darkness of the void they slithered out from."
Phoenix and Chrys both nodded. If there was one thing they had to give him, it was for his confidence.
"The king and queen are likely going to attack us with their own disposable troops first as well, test our defenses."
Zen grinned again. "What better to offer in response than defenses that aren't your own?"
"They conquered SPACE," Phoenix said. "They could send entire planets' worth of civilizations at you."
"Let them. Besides, we all know you have the proper weapons to deal with such an attack." Chrys and Phoenix exchanged glances again. Zen continued. "My spies are already aware. One of your trains entered Ponyville this evening. Forty-eight of them are aboard, with materials for another three-hundred-and-fifty."
Dan was indeed a planning genius. He thought, he examined all options, he considered everything and was a master of even being completely unpredictable. His own naturally-insane attitude was at times a facade, designed to hide his true intentions. Since coming to Equestria, the scope of his planning had increased tenfold and beyond. Against the daunting task of fighting the king and queen of Equestria, he left nothing off the table. This included using the weapons Rice had developed for use against him and others, against Equestria, against Earth and everyone and everything else he held dear.
Dan was planning on using the Sword Spells. That was a fact he could not conceal from his friends. How he was going to use them, that was, as always, a mystery. However, there was another weapon of sorts in his arsenal that fewer people knew about: the Regenesis Device. The tool that restored Equestria, why wouldn't they want to build more?
"How many spies do you have here?"
Zen looked at Chrys, keeping his grin. He did not answer, which was his answer.
The Sith Assassins, the robot salesponies, those might have been new but spies and infiltrators in Equestria had been around for a while. Luna believed they used a potion that prevented her from entering their dreams, finding them out. And all the zebras had to do was put on some body paint and change their manes and tales. Disguises were easy; Dan knew this.
Phoenix maneuvered around the couch and over to where Chrys was sitting.
"Man, I could use something to drink. You want some more tea, general?"
"Actually, yes. The flavor is quite nice. What blend is this?"
"It's Emergen-Tea, tea for emergencies. Tuxley and Reginald came up with it."
"I'll have another cup, if you're offering."
"Of course! Chrys, you wanna come with me?" He picked up Chrys.
"Okay- I guess we'll be back in a minute."
Phoenix set Chrys down in the kitchen. "I enjoy being carried as much as the next girl, but what is it, Nick?"
"What are you trying to get out of screwing with the general like this?"
"Cash. Resources. Stuff," Chrys said, without a hint of hesitation. She shrugged. "He came to us, he wants something from us, why should we get nothing? I'm a queen, Nick, I have priorities."
"Is this why you keep leaving magazines about building insect hives on Dan's nightstand?"
She grabbed the human and forced him into a cabinet saying, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! Make ZZ Top's tea. And when we get back, follow my lead."
"Like I have a choice." (I have priorities, too. Like living. That's definitely a priority.)
The walked back into the living room, acting as casual as possible. They came off as really nervous dorks, however, because that's what they were. Nonchalant was not something that came naturally to them. However, none of them noticed that both the pizza boxes and Zen's spear had moved.
"So general, where were we? Here's your tea."
"Thank you."
"So general," Chrys repeated herself, "where were we?"
(Apparently, we're laying it on thick.)
"You know, I have a lot of pull with the princesses. I can even do Cadence!" And she transformed into Cadence. "I even fooled Shining Armor twice! I wasn't even trying the last time."
(My lawsuit senses are tingling...)
"I want to speak to Princess Twilight Sparkle."
"Hold on. I'll go get her for you." Chrys disappeared and- dear gawd, can you see this coming? Because I can. She reappeared as Twilight Sparkle, alicorn version. "Hi General!"
Phoenix and Zen both stared at her for a very long, painful moment.
"What do you think, general? Have we embarrassed ourselves enough for tonight or would you like to come back tomorrow? Who knows, there might be a brain among us by then."
Chrys transformed back into Chrys. "You've made your point. General, the zebras and ponies haven't had the best relationship. Your country wasn't invited by anybody to the summit in Trottingham, the summit they're literally having after the planet came back together. You're not there. You're here. Talking to us because you've been mean to every other kingdom, now coming to us, desperate to fight because you like fighting."
"An astute observation," Zen said. "I do like fighting. I've liked it over many lifetimes. To deny battle, the call of war is not just to deny myself something vital, but something beyond necessity." He turned slowly to Chrys. "I WILL fight in this war. On your side... or no side at all. But I will fight. Nothing will stop me."
"We are not all fighters, Zen Zeal," Phoenix said, engaging in lawyer mode. "We're not questioning your motives, we're questioning loyalties. You're not our friends, you're not allies, we're barely even trading partners. If you're going to join us in battle, we are going to have to be at the very least allies and not rivals."
For the first time since he'd arrived there, Zen Zeal thought. He considered their words, things he hadn't considered before, even with all his strategic thinking and planning. In this regard, he wasn't like Dan; Dan would have already considered it.
"Very well," he said through gritted teeth. "What. Do. You. Want?"
Phoenix and Chrys whispered together. After a brief, hushed conversation, Chrys announced, "we want to be friends."
"Fine," Zeal said. "We are friends now. Happy?"
"Just," Phoenix stopped him, "we want you to actually care about Equestria. About other countries. We want to actually be friends. With you and your people, ponies and zebras. Can we give that a chance?"
Zen sipped his tea again. "I will speak to the council about... improving relations internationally. We can at least allow travelers to visit. I will promise that."
"That's a start," Chrys said.
Zen turned to her. "What if I could give you more? I am only the head of one of the great houses, but I do have resources."
"What kind of resources?" Phoenix asked.
"Do you have a map?"
They got out a map and sprawled it across the coffee table. Equestria in its full glory was laid out before them, a gorgeous map of the vast- oh gawddammit, it's the Risk board game but with Equestria. Are you people even trying?
"You're a conqueror," Phoenix said. "Apart from sticks, what resource do you have?"
"Land."
Silence. Land, the most valuable resource of them all, especially in Equestria. Food had always been in short supply, and land meant farms and farms meant food. Land to graze cattle, raise crops, build towns and cities and colonies and settlements and entire kingdoms. The Zebra Kingdom had most of it and they guarded it fiercely.
"We will cede to you all land north of Prosperity, from the Eastern Everflow to the Great Steadies. One-quarter of the Emerald Savannah. Easily two-million acres of rich, prime farmland," Zen said. He drew the lines on the map with his spear for emphasis.
Chrys' mouth was agape. "That's a lotta land..."
Phoenix put on his poker face. "That's land you conquered. Most of it from us. Part of it from the mountain goats."
"That is why I can offer it as trade. Do you accept?"
"Are you kidding? That's awesome, we could just-" Phoenix elbowed Chrys before she could continue. "What? What now?"
Phoenix grabbed the spear. He drew a new line stretching from the Eastern Everflow, the river that cut through Equestria, all the way across to the Eastern Easy Sea. All the way from the Prosperity Mountains to just north of the Crystal Empire.
"Half."
"Ha. Are you sure you're not a conqueror, Mr. Wright?"
Phoenix smiled. "I like to think I do my part."
"Well, it's a substantial chunk you're wanting, but I believe we can manage."
"No," Chrys said. "More than that. It's going to take us a long time to settle this land. We need to work it. Together. Equestria and the Zebra Kingdom should share this land."
Phoenix agreed. "And the Crystal Empire as well. All the nations of ponies and zebras, working together. No more demilitarized zone. We will settle these lands together."
It was then they noticed something crawling up Zen Zeal's spear. A purple ball of fluff with eyes, tiny hooves, ears and a muzzle, and the cutest little mare's face. Zen held the spear up, prompting the fluff ball to be seen by all around it. The ball only had one thing to say, and it was a gasp.
*Gasp!*
"How did you get out?" Chrys grabbed the creature off the spear. "You're supposed to be with your mommy."
"She's a curious one."
"Indeed," Zeal said. "You have more fluffalapons here?"
"Yes, but it's about their bedtime," Phoenix said. Fleefle was a purple fluffy foal, a female and like Twilight, was purple and seemed very bright for her age. She still liked food, as did the others but liked to examine and learn about food before eating it. Having just exited the larval stage, Fleefle's hooves had come in nicely and she was now walking, the first of the batch to do so.
"Mmmm," Zeal mused, looking at the purple filly foal.
"Do you think it's okay for her to have some pizza?"
Phoenix opened one of the boxes. "I hope it is." The box was empty, and there should've been at least half a pizza in it.
"Oh. Well, we still have two more..." Chrys's voice trailed off. Lifting up the boxes slightly with her magic told her all she needed to know. Fleefle trotted in a half-circle on the coffee table, sat down, nestled inside her own floof and closed her eyes.
"D'awwwwwww," they all went.
None of them would have noticed, but Fleefle was actually nesting on a place of significance. Her fluffy body occupied the space on the map that was the Enchanted Valley, or rather, where it had been. Over a thousand years since the great exodus from the land of Enchantria, scholars had searched for the lost kingdom for years. Most failed to factor in that the land itself could move as well, and in this case, had most drastically.
Whether by choice, fate or simple happenstance, Fleefle rested on the Badlands. Many things had been found there, including Chrys.
"I can make no promises. But the other houses will likely follow my decision. Still, I must speak to the princess."
Phoenix rubbed his neck. "I'm not exactly sure when she'll be back. It could be-"
And at that moment, Twilight reappeared in the middle of the room. Unfortunately, they didn't recognize her; she was still in her dark magic form, which they didn't even know about. Fortunately, Twilight was always a calm, rational, perfectly stable-
"AAAAAAAA I NEED BOOOOOOOOOOKKS!!! I'M A MONSTER!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Chrys and Phoenix screamed. Fleefle still clutched in her hooves, the two bolted for the door.
Opening it, they found Dan and Spike on the other side. Tired, weary and covered in bruises and dirt, the two were exhausted, and that might've been alarming to some but Phoenix and Chrys knew them. There's no way they'd-
"Foooooooood..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! DAN AND SPIKE ARE ZOMBIES!!!!"
"FOOOOOD!" Dan reached out to Phoenix, which in no way resembled a zombie reaching for his brain, except for the fact that in every way it resembled a zombie reaching for his brain.
Chrys and Phoenix double-taked, then triple-taked between the monstrous-looking versions of their friends. Zen calmly reached forward and took another sip of tea.
"The backdoor!" "Run!"
They dashed for the kitchen, but Zen's spear stopped them halfway. They turned to see the zebra general standing over the subdued Twilight, Dan and Chrys, all three of them under his hooves.
"Obviously," Twilight said, her head resting on the kitchen table. She was still stuck in her dark magic form, Nightfall Sparkle, complete with a larger body, magical glowing armor and hazy, ethereal mane of twilight. A stack of books on magic was next to her, all ones that she'd read and reread before. Sometimes, she found answers in them to current problems. They didn't have any clue on how to change her back into regular Twilight, though.
"You'll figure it out. But the more important question is, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE ME ANY PIZZA?!?!" Dan demanded.
"Pizza? You want PIZZA?" Twilight asked. She lifted her head off the table, her horn glowed brightly. Teeth gritted and new fangs barred, she said, "I'll GIVE you PIZZA!" Her horn and mane erupted in magical, violet light.
And a pizza appeared on the table. It glowed an eerie purple.
"Yes! Awesome," Dan grabbed a slice and immediately took a bite. "MMMMAA- Aaaah!"
"What's wrong?"
"Dan?"
Dan raised his hand. "Yeah-mmmff, it's just, it's- it's really hot. I burned my mouth a bit. It's good, though. A little on the evil side, but good, mmm."
Bracing the table, Phoenix looked down at the new, clearly magically-bewitched pizza. "Okay, I'm gonna ask: how does a pizza taste evil?"
Chrys grabbed a slice and nommed. "Mmmm... yep, oh. Yeah, there's definitely a little bit of evil in here. Little spicy, but I think it's in the sauce. It has that aftertaste."
Phoenix grabbed a slice and took a bite. "I don't taste any- oh. Okay. Yeah, there it is. It's... not bad." The "evil" aftertaste had notes of a spiced grape, like a cooking bold, full-bodied cooking wine had been added to the sauce along with some chili peppers. The result was spicy, fruity, a little sweet and both lingering and tingling. Remarkably, it was a little evil-tasting.
"It's not evil," Twilight said. Her head slowly drooped back down to rest on the table. "My magic is dark while in this form so it's... evil-y. Kind-of selfish and cloying. But it's not really evil; it just looks and feels and seems like it sometimes."
"Hmm... what else do we know that acts bad but is really good?" Phoenix asked.
Dan shrugged. "Nothing comes to mind for me. You, Chrys?"
Chrys shrugged. "Nope. What about you, general?"
"Not that I am aware of, no."
Phoenix rubbed his chin. (Hmmm... I wonder what Edgeworth would say at a time like this.)
"Wright, you of all people should know not to judge things on appearance alone. You also shouldn't be the one to judge appearances."
"I don't think he should be judging at all. That's what the Judge is for. Right, Nick?"
For some reason, Nick imagined Maya's voice chiming in after Edgeworth's. (I guess that is what the Judge is for... I wonder where he's gotten off to.)
The Moon
"Hello? Mr. Wright? Is there anyone there?" The Judge asked. His gavel floated by, before remembering gravity still existed and it did a loop and crashed.
"I have a feeling we MAY have forgotten something."
"Probably not that important," Dan said, patting Phoenix on the way to the fridge. "The REAL question is..."
"Yes?"
Dan waggled an empty glass. "We're outta punch. Can your new dark-self magic me up something to drink? Please?"
Twilightfall glared at him, but complied. A viscous-looking, frothy purple liquid filled up his glass.
"That is NOT the question, by the way," she said, almost boilingly-angry. "It's... what am I gonna do like this? How are we gonna use THIS against Celestia's parents?"
"I think it's a nice look for you," Chrys said. She grabbed her armored shoulders and gave her a gentle hug. "We look like sisters now!"
"Ummm..." Phoenix squinted his eyes. (I really don't see it.)
"To who?" Spike asked. He gestured at them both, holding a slice of 'evil' pizza in his claw. "You guys don't look anything alike. Twilight's got armor, her mane is all... foggy and stuff, and there's all this glowing. She also doesn't have your changeling holes, her fangs are different, her eyes have that white thing around-"
Chrysalis transformed herself into a version of Nightfall, but with teal-blue replacing the violet and purple. "There. Happy?"
"Can I get something to drink, too?" See, the girls in this situation have problems, but the men have priorities. If you're going to deal with long, complicated issues, do it with a full stomach and a quenched and refreshed esophagus.
Twilight's Nightfall horn zapped his empty glass and it filled with Twili-punch. The glass also gained an imprint of her face.
"Can we PLEASE focus on my problems right now?! Because I am NOT going to be the only one looking through books all night for a way to fix this!!" Twilight yelled.
Dan patted Twilight on the back. "Twilight, Twilight, Twilight... let's be honest. Do you really trust anyone but yourself to find the answer by reading it?"
Twilight thought. None of them were avid readers, none of them knew many authors aside from Daring Do, she was basically the only one who could do this. Again, her head lowered to rest on the table. She stared at the evil pizza she'd conjured, when Dan's glass of evil punch came into view. It waggled in front of her.
"Another important thing: can I get some ice?"
Twilight slowly turned to him. Her eyes were warped, glowing and looked like they could burst into purple flames at any moment.
"What am I thinking? The icemaker still works. Spike, let me ice your drink, my good man."
At some point, Fuzzle joined in the bro-out. Chrys transformed into a male version of herself to contribute at least once. She didn't like being left out, the sweet thing.
Twilight found it less funny. Her eyes glowed like dark purple embers, her hazy mane rippled rapidly, like static, like smoke, like a lot of things. And finally, her horn glowed, swirling with dark magic that focused to a single, burning, glowing point, and then, Zen Zeal interrupted.
"Enough. I am here for a purpose. Your highness, our world is under great threat. An invader approaches far more powerful than any of us have ever seen." Zeal tapped his spear and its neck flayed outward. He grabbed the tip, revealing it to be a large dagger-like pen. Zeal spun his shield around and detached a section, revealing that to be a tablet. He presented both to Twilight on the table. Chrys moved the pizza to the side.
Zen held his head high. "These are the orders for-"
*GRRNNNGGGGRRRERRRRRRRR* The sound of the icemaker drowned out the general.
"I'm sorry, you're going to have repeat that."
Zen sighed, then picked his head up again. "These are the orders for all the forces I command. Affix your seal and we shall make our stand. To fight for you, whatever glory demands. Until we see this through... and free the land."
"So how is Zecora these days?" Spike asked.
"She did not want me to come here."
"Can't imagine why..."
Twilight looked at the tablet. "You really want to fight the king and queen?"
"Yes."
"And he's promised us some land to sweeten the deal. In the north past Prosperity," Phoenix said.
"Hmmm," Twilight considered a lot. She looked at Dan. He, too, seemed a bit uncertain, not chiming in as he ate pizza and drank a frothing, sinister-looking beverage. War meant an uncertain future, a dangerous prospect for all of them. Defending on a scale of this magnitude would require far more than just the steadfast royal guard, the powerful, magical princesses and a few plucky, clever humans. It would take a plan for the future.
More land meant the prospect of new cities, new families, a new generation of ponies. A real future, an expansion to the existing Kingdom of Equestria. It may even mean an expansion into the stars. Traditionally, new territory was the jurisdiction and rule of the new princess. A kingdom for Twilight Sparkle. New families with fillies and foals looking up to her the same way the Crystal Ponies look up to Cadence and Shining Armor.
"How much land exactly?"
Phoenix opened his mouth gleefully, when Zeal interjected saying, "We can discuss details later. Sign the tablet and I will begin preparations for battle."
"There's not gonna be a battle," Dan muttered.
With an angry, incredibly-irritated-sounding cracking, creaking motion, Zen Zeal turned to Dan. Twilight looked over to him as well, less creaking.
"Why not?"
Dan sighed. He rapped his fingers on the table, debating on whether or not he could tell them. That was when Spike chimed in.
"There's a train that arrived tonight. Is that... is that part of your plan, Dan?"
"We know of the Sword Spells already," Zeal said. "If you're planning on using those weapons, than it-"
"It's HOW we're using them, Kaiser. Simmer down a bit. Even I don't know what we're up against with the king and queen," Dan said. "But we do have a plan. Sort-of an ultimate, ultimate, ultimate last resort. Plan Zero."
"Zero?" Twilight asked. "As in, we do nothing?"
"As in we leave them with nothing. Zilch. We're going to lure the king and queen, the Terran Empire, anything and everything else that wants a piece of Equestria into the blast zone. Celestia is going to use the Sword Spells' power to collapse the sun, creating-"
"A black hole," Twilight said. The news hit her like a bomb and then left her feeling like a weight was in her stomach. Of all of Celestia's tremendous powers, this was the only thing Twilight was uncertain of. She could move the sun but could she destroy it? Not could she physically destroy it, but could she actually deal with the emotional weight of killing a star? Much less her birthright?
"Technically, it's going to go supernova first. We're pretty sure the blast will wipe out, uhhh... everything. That's trying to murder us. Then, whatever's left is going to find a black hole. Meanwhile, you, Cadence and Luna are gonna teleport Equestria and the moon and everybody on them to a new dimension," Dan explained.
"The black hole would erase any evidence of, well, anything," Phoenix said. (I'm going to face a prosecutor in court named B. Hoel now, aren't I?)
To say Zeal looked disappointed was... well, completely inaccurate. He looked pretty much his usual angry self, but everybody had to imagine he was pretty disappointed. He gathered the tablet and the pen and reassembled them into his spear and shield.
"Thank you for your time. And the tea." He proceeded to leave. Dan proceeded to stop him.
"Now hang on, if you're really set on dying for us, I got stuff that needs doing-"
Zeal ignored him. Phoenix was the last one to stop him on the way out, yelling after him,
"Can we still have the land? You're not even doing anything with it!!"
Dan patted Phoenix on the back. "Good try, Nicky. Good try."
"I thought I was doing something useful... diplomatically, too." Phoenix's shoulders drooped.
"There's always the next maniacal warlord that comes to visit. Now let's go get some pizza. It's even got stuffed crust!"
"What's the crust stuffed with?"
"Evil, probably," Dan said.
"Can you PLEASE stop for just ONE MINUTE to help me FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!" Twilight yelled. "Can you even IMAGINE being stuck looking like this?!?!"
Chrys squeezed her face together. "Ohhh nooo, seriously, it must be soooo harddd to look scary all the time."
"This is serious. I don't know if I can control my magic like this. I don't know what could happen!"
"You can make a decent pizza," Dan commented. "Relax, Twilight. Just roll with it."
"Just. Roll. With it. That's your advice?!"
"Yeah," they all said simultaneously. Now, it was unanimous advice.
"You're doing fine, Twilight. We all know you'll figure this out eventually. Luna said it might take you a little while to get a handle on it, but that's why it was a good idea to start early," Dan said.
Twilight's eyes shattered like mirrors. "YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS AHEAD OF TIME?!?!"
Dan took some precautionary steps back as the new, taller Twilight got in his face. "The whole dark magic thing? It was my idea. Well, sort-of. I asked her if you could transform like Nightmare Moon, and-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!" The treehouse exploded. Nightfall's energy erupted outward, filling every nook and cranny with a hazy-black and purple magic. The tree, the ground beneath it, reality itself was fractured into swirling polygonal bits tangled together with Twilight's powerful, personal dark magic.
Phase fragmenting, as it was known, was a more powerful tier of Twilight's magic. She was able to use her magic to rend reality itself, time and space, to separate it without destroying or damaging the harmony of the fabric that made it up. Which would be really great if you were a student or a researcher, or fanfiction reader or author, just taking a slice of life at examining it at your whim without affecting anything else. When you put it back together, everything is fine.
Twilight had literally filled the space between dimensions with her own willpower, her magical energy. An extension of her, it pulsed and cast everything in twilight, a strange limbo but not stasis. Dan continued eating the pizza, though his mouth and his arm and the pizza in his hand were now occupying several different planes of existence. It did nothing to ruin the taste.
And just like that, it was over. The magic returned to Twilight and reality came back together, as did the treehouse. Everyone was completely unharmed.
"Okay so... let's not do that again," Phoenix said. Being dimensionally bisected into transient interphasing fractals via radiant aura and sheer dark magical pulse felt a little bit uncomfortable. Imagine having an itch but it's on the ceiling and your arm is in another neighborhood and your head is in space. Might be a little confusing. Physically though, you're fine, so that's a plus.
"See? I don't even know what the heck that was!"
"I'm sure you'll figure it out," Dan said, patting her on the back. "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I'm not going to lie, things have been pretty tough for me, too."
Spike nodded. "He went nuts and started hallucinating in the supermarket."
"I... yeah, the stress might have gotten to me a bit." Dan rubbed his neck. "I mean, maybe it WAS Cleo or somepony just making me see stuff that wasn't there, or maybe..."
"Dan. I'm sorry you're going through a lot."
"GAWD DAMMIT THAT'S NOT AN INVITATION TO HUG." Dan's protests went unheard and both Chrys and Twilight hugged him.
"So, wait," Chrys said, "Twilight being like this is part of your plan?"
Dan nodded. "Yes. And you're all a part of it, too!"
"You created a plan involving ALL of us and you didn't tell ANYBODY?" Chrys asked.
"Hey, at least he treated us equally in not telling anyone anything," Phoenix pointed out.
"Fair point."
Dan disappeared from the kitchen. And nobody noticed this. Which probably should've concerned them, but it was Dan.
"Dan?"
"Mnyeah-hahahaha!!" Dan's voice cackled. "You are no longer in the presence of Dan, mere mortals. Prepare now for the arrival, the first coming, the return of..."
They looked around. Nothing was appearing. The wooden handles of the mops and brooms in the closet clattered together. Twilight gripped the knob with her magic and opened it.
"Yes, prepare yourselves now for... DR. JERK!"(jerk jerk jerk...)
They stared at him. "You put your shirt on wrong."
"NO!" Dan exclaimed. "I'm a supervillain! This is how everybody dresses. Didn't you see Captain America?"
"Fair point," Chrys said again.
"I've got costumes for all of us. We're going to be the bad guys! This is how we beat Celestia's parents!"
Twilight frowned. "At least I now know I'm not the dumbest supervillain ever."
We all have a role to play. We have ours, our daughters have theirs. Even She had Her own role to play here, and She entrusted us with what She left behind. One long unbroken chain, our path in history. It winds ever outward from our place of birth, spanning across time and space. In Her hoofsteps do we walk, always.
We remember our place. We know our role in things. You may think we've forgotten, that we lost our way. You focus so much on what we lost out there, in the void, you never considered what we found. That is why we return now, to bring you the truth. You don't understand, but you will. You all will.
We didn't stray from our roles. You did.
So, Dan explained the plan to all of them. If Celestia's parents thought what they were doing was good, that they were the heroes, then all of Equestria would be the villains. It was an elaborate double-bluff; act like Equestria had been conquered already. Lure the enemies of Equestria in, then blow them all up. Pretty straight-forward.
The Terrans, the deranged king and queen, Dan was duping all of them. The Terran Empire was tempted by the starships Dan was building behind the moon, clear signs that he would invade the Mirror Universe first. Further corrupting Equestria with dark magic would tempt the king and queen to solve the issue themselves instead of using pawns, which they were likely to use first. And finally, giving Equestria a nightmarish, villainous makeover would confuse the crap out of anyone else threatening them.
"So who's ready to be a bad guy?"
"Why are you enjoying this so much?" Phoenix asked.
"And how the heck do you know ALL the enemies of Equestria are going to attack us all at the same time?" Spike asked. He was the dragon that asked the important questions.
"Barro's helping us out. His broadcast station is broadcasting images of all our stuff, everything that's happening out into space. Into other dimensions," Dan said.
Twilight/Nightfall nodded. "Uh huh. Because nothing is scarier than the evening news, right?"
Spike rubbed his chin. "But he never agreed to that. Today, when we were at the Ponyville Action News Team Station, you just tried to get him to help you kill Rice Puddinghead."
Dan nodded, then grinned. "Welll, let's just say Barro may not have agreed to anything."
"What did you do?" Twilight asked. "Wait... you didn't hack the news station, did you?"
"You barely know how to program the security system," Spike commented. "And it's been on the fritz again lately."
"I know, but no- I put a bug in the broadcast station! Right in the studio!"
"You put a bug in the PANTS?" Chrys asked.
Spike was still scratching his chin. "So wait a minute... was that really your plan the whole time, coming to run errands with me?"
Dan shrugged. "I actually DID run errands with you, Spike. To be fair. I just had a few errands of my own to run."
Twilight had a stern look on her face, and not just because she loomed demonic right now. "I understand why you did this, Dan. But keeping secrets like this is..."
He patted her shoulder armor. Both of them looked like villains. "Don't think of it as a secret. Because you'll always find out eventually. Think of what I do as... more of a surprise."
She smiled slightly, and after a moment, nodded. "I think I can accept that."
"Good. Because I have PLENTY more surprises in store!"
"Let's not overdo- oh gawd, when don't we over do it?"
"Do I get a villain costume, Dan?" Chrys asked, excited.
"Uhh... well..." Chrys' ability to transform into pretty much anything threw Dan off a bit on this one. Anything he made for her, she could already make herself. Her magic allowed her to produce outfits when she transformed, though the clothes would disappear back into the ether when she switched back. So, Dan did the next best thing.
"I had a few ideas of things you could transform into."
"Mm-hmm."
"Are you both blushing? Aww, that's so cute," Phoenix said. They both glared at him. "Right, back to pizza."
But Twilight noticed them blushing, too. She didn't say anything. She thought of herself and Spike. Both of them were in the same position in the romantic sense. They had both been forced to sacrifice much time, effort and energy for the sake of princess and country. It had been rewarding in its own way and necessary, but maybe there was something to thinking of her own desires.
Maybe Nightfall could help get Twilight what she wanted. What they both wanted. A new kingdom, a safe place for all their friends and family, a... boyfriend.
"I think... I think maybe we could work something out. With Zen Zeal, I mean."
They all turned to her. "What?" "Come again?"
"Well... I'm just thinking that more land WOULD be nice."
Dan held up his hands, weighing the options. "More land... fascist zebras... more land... talking to Zeal again." Bit of a toss-up; Zeal was still a conqueror and a selfish, ruthless, militaristic prick. For all they knew, the land could've been poisoned or tainted or cursed in some way. They DID have ways to counteract it... and land was land.
"I suppose it couldn't hurt to talk with him. But we should probably go get him before he leaves town."
"He hasn't left," Twilight said. "He's heading to Zecora's hut in the Everfree. And there's a few zebras waiting for him, his cadre, I think."
They turned to her again. "How do you know that?"
"I-" Twilight stopped. How DID she know that? The image of Zeal trudging angrily through the forest, seething, she could feel his anger in every hoofstep. She felt the cold trees around him, the predatory plantlife and fauna welcoming him like a friend. Zebras had a unity with the forest, so that was expected, but it was like Twilight was seeing it unfold with a second set of eyes. She heard his breath. He was angry, angry at them and angry at himself.
There was a battle to be fought and Zeal didn't just want to watch. He wanted to be a part of it, he craved it. It was like it was a part of him. To deny him his ability to fight when battle was upon him was like cutting off a limb. Twilight could feel his anger mixed with pain, the pain of lifetimes. No wonder he was offering so much for a chance to fight the king and queen.
Chrys shrugged. "Probably her new nightmare powers."
"Dark magic powers," Twilight corrected. A bit more sharpness in her voice than intended. "I mean, um, they do seem kinda nightmare-y."
"Yeah," Chrys nodded, smiling. "It's a nice look. I bet our enemies will all be terrified of you."
"It's my friends I'm worried about..." she said, looking down. She knew AJ, Rainbow, Fluttershy, Rarity and Pinkie Pie would all accept her, of course. So why did it still worry her? "I still need to figure out how to change back to normal."
Spike, who had been quiet up until then, finished his pizza, downed his drink and cleaned off his part of the table. Calmly, he approached Twilight.
"Twilight, I... I learned a long time ago that... well, Equestria has to keep turning. We all have to make it through the day, at the end of the day and... we do. Sometimes, big stuff has to be put off to another day. No matter how big it is."
Twilight looked down at herself. "This is pretty big, to be honest." She felt like she could fracture reality by making the wrong step with her hooves, rotating her fetlock the wrong way. She could sense more things than she ever could if she wanted to, but she could also turn off those senses, like taking off a pair of glasses.
Maybe this form for her was like Dan said- a costume. It felt like more, but could she turn that around?
I liked the idea with the new kingdom. We could make our own Cloudsdale. I mean, if you think about it, do we really even need land?
The new voice in her head prattled on. For now, her voice and Nightfall, her new persona... ponysona... whatever it was, were in harmony. She didn't know if that would always be the case.
We could have ten boyfriends. Handsome, strong, fit to worship us. Getting us stuff, doing our bidding, a new one every day. Ten, but one will be the prince and the others... just fun servants. One for each day of the week.
"The week has SEVEN days in it," she said out loud.
Been thinking about that- we could make it longer. I mean, Twilight Day really should have already been a thing. Twiliday for short.
"I don't want a DAY named after me!"
How 'bout a night, then?
"SHUT UP!!"
Suddenly, she felt Chrys' hooves on her shoulders. "Twilight, getting out of the house helped Dan. I think you need to take it easy. Get some rest."
"I..." she looked in Chrys' eyes. "I think I will do just that. Thank you."
"We have to put things aside sometimes. It doesn't mean they're not there, or that they're not important, just that... other things are in front of them. Other stuff has to come first. The best way to do these things sometimes isn't with careful planning or immediate action but to... take things day-to-day," Dan said.
Phoenix nodded. "A nice bookend to put on today, Dan."
"That, and I'm ready to pass out anyway," Twilight said. She trotted upstairs.
"Can we get another pizza before you leave?" Dan asked. The sound of Twilight's door slamming was his answer.
Still in his costume, Dan thought she had the right idea. "Think I'll do the same. Wanna come help me take off my costume, Chrys?"
"I-ba-da-wa-ga-ja-doh-gabba-wannee-"
"I'll take that as a yes."
Phoenix stretched. "Yeah, I'm gonna call it a night, too." They all headed up to bed together.
"So who's gonna help clean up the kitchen?" A door slamming was Spike's answer as well. He shook his head. "Yeah, some things can wait but that doesn't apply to everything." Being at home so often made the dragon a bit of a neat-freak, SOMETIMES. Cleaning up evil pizza and punch, that definitely qualified as one of those times.
While cleaning, he heard a knock on the front door.
"Delivery."
Spike opened the door. One of the clerks from the supermarket was there, as were several pallets behind him of the supplies he'd ordered. "I- thanks ,but we weren't expecting you until morning."
"Yeah, well, I wasn't expecting your friend to take out my produce display."
Spike winced. "I'm, uh... sorry about all that."
"Sure, sure. Also, we delivered everything, but the transaction only went partly through when you paid for this stuff. Manager decided to be nice, since a lot of ponies' accounts are overdrawn but you guys should really sort it out with your bank."
"I- okay, thanks. Wait, what? Overdrawn?"
"Goodnight!" The pony said. Nothing to sign, he was just off, several pallets of supplies now occupying their lawn.
Spike slowly closed the door. Problem with the bank... what could that mean? He went upstairs and knocked on Twilight's door.
"Hey Twilight."
"Hey, Spike." She was lying on her bed, her longer limbs now stretched over it. A pillow covered her face, evidence of how she felt right now.
"They delivered the stuff from the grocery store, but they said there's something wrong with our account. He said we might be overdrawn or something."
"Overdrawn?" Twilight asked. She took the pillow off her face. "But the account's linked to the royal treasury."
"Yeah," Spike chuckled. "It couldn't be overdrawn. That would mean the whole kingdom was broke."
"Yeah," Twilight said, and they both laughed. They laughed for a solid minute, probably longer than they should, to the point where it became awkward, then uncomfortable, then looped back around to being funny again. Then, the realization hit.
"Well, it can still wait until tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah, totally," Twilight said. "It's- it's, you know, probably nothing. Just a... bank error. Or something. Those happen, right? I mean, it hasn't happened since we've been here, in pretty much the history of Equestria but... there's a first time for everything... right?"
Spike looked into the distance with a long, hard stare. "I guess so."
Twilight grinned. "Hey Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"Wanna run errands with me tomorrow?"
Next Saturday on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship... we're broke.
"Exactly how much money do we spend on ham?"
"Thpppth."
"Okay, that just means all of it."
The Kingdom of Equestria is hit by a financial crisis. But luckily, Dan has a plan for economic recovery.
"We call this hustling."
"Your plan is to SWINDLE ourselves out of debt?"
"This is not 'swindling'- it's called HUSTLING!"
When times are toughest, it's important to remember what really matters.
"I'm really happy you guys are here for this."
"We love you too, Dan."
"Yep. Alright, this is a robbery! Stick 'em up!! Hooves where I can see 'em!!"
Next Saturday, we go for broke.
"Please stop playing the harmonica."
"You don't like harmonica?"
"I don't like the way YOU play harmonica."
Episode 22: The Kingdom is Broke! Dan Vs. The National Debt. The lowest-budget entertainment gets even lower in the next Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship!
"This is still free, right?"
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Episode 22: The Kingdom is Broke! Dan Vs. The National Debt
"Why? Why? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY??!!" Eddy screamed. He pounded against the windows of the Candy Store before finally, his energy exhausted itself and he slid down the glass surface in failure. "I can't believe... I just... can't... believe it."
"It was bound to happen sooner or later. With the current state of the economy, I'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner."
"But how can they DO this Double-dee?!?!" Eddy exclaimed. "How could they... HOW COULD THEY RAISE THE PRICE OF JAWBREAKERS?!?!?!"
Jawbreakers, the sweet candy-coated orbs were constantly on the minds of Ed, Edd 'n Eddy. Sucking on one released sweet flavors that could last all day, filling one with delight and making the world seem sweeter, too. Unlike so many other candies or desserts which were gone after only a few bites, the jawbreaker lasted, enduring everything save the onslaught of saliva and tongue-lashing that came from sucking on one of the savory spheres. Truly, an under-appreciated delicacy.
"We had it... we had it," Eddy continued. "We actually came up with a scam that worked. We had it, we had it this time! This time it actually worked!"
After several days of planning, Eddy concocted a scheme in which he was able to swindle his fellow kids in the cul-de-sac out of quarters. Edd, or Double-Dee as he was usually called, was throwing away a high-powered electromagnet he'd used in a science project when Eddy came up with the idea to use it for a scam. He placed a coin on the ground and charged kids a nickel each for a chance to pick it up. The winner would get a dollar coin, the loser walked away empty-handed.
Called the Ed Super-Stuck Coin Challenge, Eddy first demonstrated to each sucker how 'easy' it was to pick up the coin. When each victim attempted, the magnet was activated, ensuring that no amount of strength they used lifted it. After exhausting themselves, Double-Dee offered them a drink which they called "Refredshments" for ten cents each. It consisted of a cup of water, instant coffee and powdered fruit punch. The mixture actually cost more to make than they were charging, but Double-Dee's good nature was to blame there.
When all was said and done, they had reached their goal: seventy-five cents. Jawbreakers were one quarter each, and they finally had enough for all three of them. Or, they did until the price of jawbreakers went up a dime.
"Dark days indeed, Eddy," Ed, the... more plain-spoken member of the group said. "The band-aid does not stretch as far as it used to, my friend. What was hair today is gone tomorrow, and we must save every toenail we find."
"...That was... insightful, Ed. I think," Edd replied. "The market price of refined cane sugar and artificial coloring is in constant flux, Eddy. And with the recent developments impacting international trade, we're lucky vendors weren't forced to compensate by increasing the unit price by a larger margin."
As usual, Eddy didn't fully understand what Double-Dee said, and he didn't care. He knew it meant there was nothing he could do to lower the cost of jawbreakers, and right now that's all he wanted. The owner of the candy store flipped the "OPEN" sign to "CLOSED," closing the door on Eddy's plans in more ways than one.
Defeated, Eddy sank into a puddle of himself, a puddle which Ed literally reached into to pull him up and out of.
"Cheer up, Eddy, for tomorrow will be a new onion!" Ed happily grabbed both of his friends and dragged them back home, only semi-involuntarily. In truth, neither were in the mood to protest.
Back at the cul-de-sac, Ed, Edd'n Eddy were relaxing at Ed's house. His sister was still out, probably with Jimmy. Eddy sat, arms folded and frowning on Ed's mangy sofa, which seemed to have far too much animal hair on it despite Ed's family not having any pets.
"Who's the dog bowl for, Ed?" Double-Dee asked. Rotating it, Edd saw the name ROLF etched into the side. "I'm... I'm very disturbed now."
Once again, Eddy didn't care. Unless there were coins in the sofa(which there weren't, only more hair), then he wasn't interested. Ed had been rooted around for it, moving Eddy around without changing his posture in the slightest, but annoying him all the more.
"Remote!" Ed exclaimed. He popped out of the couch, the remote popped out a second later. Somehow, it went straight up and down, landing on his mouth, and he turned on the t.v.
"Channel blocked? What does that mean?"
"TEEVEE IS BROKEN!"
"No, Ed," Double-Dee said, "It's just the one channel." He took the remote and changed it. "See?"
"TEEVEE IS FIXED!" Ed plopped himself on the couch, smiling in a state of zoned-out bliss.
"Why would they block a t.v channel? Doesn't more people watching mean more people see commercials?"
"That's true, Eddy, but some channels are pay-to-view. They usually have less commercials as a result, as well. People pay to see what they want instead of advertising," Edd explained.
A lightbulb went off for Eddy. "Hey... that's a great idea, Double-Dee! WE should get our own t.v. show!"
Edd raised an eyebrow. "Our own show, Eddy? How long do you think you could keep that up?"
"About ten years, probably! We could create our own channel... and you could even get your own spinoff! The Sock-Head Show," Eddy proclaimed, ruffling his friend's sack-like hat.
Double-Dee adjusted it with a bemused smile. "Well, before we start our next creative endeavor, why don't we just watch t.v?"
"Fine. Hey Lumpy, gimme the remote. I'm sure I can find something cheap enough that isn't blocked."
Ed spat the remote at Eddy. After wiping it off, thoroughly, Eddy surfed the channels. He was getting to the obscure ones, even past the foreign networks when he arrived on a very special show.
"Oooh! Stop it here!"
"Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship? What the heck kinda show is that?"
"Right now, it's one we can afford," Double-Dee said. "And I like it for the special effects and the voice cast."
"Uugggh," Eddy groaned.
"You did say you'd find something cheap."
Eddy shifted. "Yeah, and it doesn't get much cheaper than this."
"SHUSH! TURN UP VOLUME!!"
Golden Oakes Library
"Explain to me how we're broke again," Dan said.
"She's explained it three times already," Phoenix said. (And I didn't understand it either, but at least she's telling the truth.)
Twilight turned around. "I'll try to put it simply. The kingdom is heavily in debt, the treasury is depleted and our resources are exhausted. Even if we liquidate what assets we have, we'll still be millions of bits in debt.
"So our assets are in hot water," Dan said.
Twilight frowned at him. "You just wanted to make that joke. And no, that's not what I said. Our economy is in freefall; Equestria doesn't have enough money to support its own infrastructure."
"That's bad. I get it," Dan said. He leaned back in his chair and put his feet up on the kitchen table. "So, what's the plan to fix it?"
"The summit in Trottingham is still going on for the next few days. There's a royal address scheduled for when they get back, so that probably means the princesses will make a statement then," Twilight said. In truth, that was one of the reasons the summit between the world's leaders had been made in the first place; they needed time to conduct an investigation, survey all the changes and bide time to prevent everyone from panicking. People liked when things were being discussed because it made it seem like there was a plan. Even when there wasn't.
"No problem. We'll wait 'til their back and see what they have to say about us being out of money," Dan stated. He got up from his chair. "I'm gonna go watch t.v." A light smile on his face, he exited the kitchen without another word.
And that made everyone suspicious. "What the fuee is wrong with my boyfriend? Spikey, I thought you said you fixed Dan."
Spike shrugged. "He's... well, at least he's better than he was. He was flipping out all over the place. Is it really such a weird thing that he's just kinda happy?"
"Yes," they all said at the exact same time.
"We're facing a global crisis. It's going to affect everypony. And Dan isn't really blaming anyone, blaming anything, and he's only threatened to burn down three businesses. What's worse is that he only called two of them," Chrys said.
Phoenix nodded. "That is a pretty slow day for Dan." (So far, he's just threatened the supermarket for the way they delivered things in the middle of the night and the cereal manufacturer. Usually, he's on his fourth or fifth threat of violence before noon.)
"He's earned a break," Twilight said. "And he's not the only one." Her eyes lowered to the table.
Chrys put a hoof on her purple shoulder. "Hey, chin up, Twily. At least you fixed your nightmare mode."
"Heh heh heh... yeah," she grinned bashfully. Several of her teeth were still distinctively sharper than the others.
"Ah, you uh... you still have the fangs, huh?"
"Yeaah... among some other... things going on," Twilight said.
So, Twilight had come full circle. Unspoken, it was acknowledged by all of them that she had gone from awkwardly adjusting to being an alicorn and a princess to now awkwardly adjusting to having dark magic powers and having a nightmare transformation/alter ego. As could be expected, it was even harder this time. Becoming an alicorn was like going through puberty again for Twilight, and felt more natural as a result. Or, it felt natural eventually. Dark magic was something else altogether and more difficult to acclimate to as a result.
"I can help with that! I have fangs," Chrys said, pointing at her mouth. "They're easy once you get used to them. You just have to do more biting, not just chewing." She worked her jaw for emphasis.
"Th-thanks, I'll keep that in mind," Twilight said. At least she wasn't going through this adjustment alone. Becoming an alicorn overnight felt like it distanced her from her friends for a while. It had taken some time before things had felt regular again, but this time, it felt like she had some family members along for the journey.
"In the meantime, I'm gonna go have a chat with Dan. See what's up," Phoenix said. Little did he know that somepony else was already checking in on Dan, and that pony was Fluffle Puff.
Fluffle Puff enjoyed being petted. It made her feel glamorous, loved, provided food for herself and her family. And it allowed someone else to clean and brush her fluff, which was important. Still, she had an another reason for hopping on the couch and allowing Dan to pet her, and she pulled it out of her fluff to let him see it.
"What's this, girl?" Dan asked. It was a piece of paper, a hoof-drawn picture of a castle on a map. It was clear immediately Fluffle had drawn it herself. "Awww, did you draw this all by yourself? Well, there's a nice spot on the fridge for it."
"Thmmm-thmm," Fluffle shook her head. She snatched the paper away, took a step back from Dan and held it up with her mouth.
"Okay, that's nice, sweetheart- daddy's watching t.v. now." He put his feet up on her, using his fluffy psuedo-daughter as an ottoman.
"Thppth." Fluffle was not amused at this moment. While she did enjoy being used as a piece of cuddly furniture at times, she didn't enjoy being ignored. It was just Dan being Dan, however, this was a bit more of an important issue. She still needed to confirm a few things, find exactly where the Enchanted Valley was, but it could wait. She tucked the paper back into her fluff and nestled under Dan's ankles.
What would they do when they learned the truth? Would their family be torn apart? Would Chrys, Dan and Twilight all resent each other when this was over? Would they leave this place, the home they had all built? That she had built... Fluffle Puff was old, far older than she appeared. The wisdom of lifetimes and universes, time and space near unfathomable had taught her much. Few could comprehend such wisdom. Yet, the things they cherished remained, even as time and tide stretched on to infinity and further. There was a place for good, a time for fun, a way for innocence and love and life to continue. And there was hope.
But now, the infinite was not stretching out before them. It was coming to meet them.
She looked up at Fuzzle, who was on the ceiling teaching their offspring to hang loose. He looked down at her, seeming to know what she was thinking. Nothing strange about that; how couldn't he know what she was thinking? It would've been surprising if he didn't.
"Hey Dan," Phoenix said. He climbed around the armchair from the back to take a seat in it. "How's it going? Whatcha watching?"
"Eh, nothing's on but cartoons right now."
"Cool, cool. Everybody likes those, right?"
"Eeeaaaahhhhnnnng," Dan made some sort of... incomprehensible noise as an answer. So Phoenix continued. He was good at communicating, usual and knew this was a good time to be direct.
"You're really not worried at all about this financial crisis the kingdom's in?"
Dan brushed his nose. "Not at all, Nicky. We're both Americans, right?"
"Well-"
"And America's been in debt for like... forever, right?"
Phoenix leaned forward. "Actually, the U.S national debt is a bit of a complex subject. The national debt was originally created in the late 1700s following the nation's founding in order to help the government raise money to fund itself and pay for things. This created the need for taxation, and since then-"
Dan waved down Phoenix's explanation. "I know about the national debt, Nicky. There was actually a time when it was completely paid off under Andrew Jackson. That's why old hickory's on the twenty."
"...Right, well, Equestria's debt situation might not be the same as the United States' debt." (Although I wouldn't be surprised if they owed money to the Equestrian-equivalent of China.)
Dan leaned back. "Well, either way, it's not like it's a major problem today, right? Ole sun bleach and moon horse will be back in a few days and we'll deal with it then."
"Well, that's... a very calm and rational response to the situation."
"If I'm famous for one thing, it's definitely my calm demeanor, level-head and rationality."
Phoenix grinned. "Famous because you use it so rarely?"
Dan nodded. "Never waste the good stuff."
Chrys picked that opportunity to come in. "Hey dude bro-meisters. What's shiggidy-shaking?"
(Eventually, one of us will stop being stupid and awkward but I'm not sure who it's going to be.)
"Watching cartoons. You wanna watch something?"
"No thanks," Chrys said. She walked all the way around the couch, climbed up on it and rested her forelegs and chest on Dan's lap, very girl-friendly. Well, girl-friendly for a bug horse, anyway. She watched cartoons, happy to be with her Dan.
Twilight and Spike walked in to join them. "Need help sorting the stuff from the grocery store."
"I'll get it." "Yep. Coming."
Dan turned off the t.v and they all got up to help store stuff from the store. Took roughly ten minutes, and they all helped, even Fluffle and Fuzzle. The reward for the two fluffy ponies were hams that were thrown at them when they did a good job. It was a simple chore, but one they did together happily, peacefully. There was something to be said about that.
"Well, that's done. Anyone want to come with me to see General Zeal?"
"Oh yeah!" Dan slammed the closet door. "He's still at Zecora's hut! Let's go bother him!" With that, Dan jumped up off the couch again and bolted out the door.
"We had a nice, peaceful moment. It didn't last long, but we had one," Phoenix remarked.
Dan stuck his head back through the front door and yelled, "Come on, everybody! Let's get going before he decides to leave! FREE LAND!! And don't forget to arm the security system!" Door slammed again.
Twilight looked around. "So, who wants to arm the security system?"
"Not it!" "Not it!" "Not it! "Thbb-thpp!" "Not i-darn," Phoenix said. He was a split-second late. "Alright, you guys head out and I'll get it."
They departed quickly, leaving Phoenix alone in the library. Fluffle and Fuzzle retreated back into the basement to care for their young. There were still many that had not hatched yet.
Error. Network connection not found. Error code: 1317
(Huh. That's strange.) Phoenix's brow furrowed. It wasn't hard to see what the problem was, though; there was no wireless signal. The security system used the library's own wi-fi signal to link to the weapons array. It allowed for faster access and smoother control, but it also relied on the library's network connection. If it was out, the security system had to be set to manual.
Phoenix set the security system to manual. There didn't seem to be anything wrong with their connection; there just wasn't a network signal being broadcast. Strange indeed. Phoenix turned on the t.v momentarily to confirm what he expected- there was no signal.
(Uh oh.)
He ran outside to join the others. He discovered he wouldn't have to run to catch up with them; they were still standing on the lawn.
"What's up?" he asked. But they didn't answer. They didn't have to.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders, or rather, the Cutie Mark Ghostbusters rode by on their scooters. They didn't say anything, in fact, Chrys and Twilight were a bit confused, but it was clear Dan was watching them as they went by. Off on another ghost-busting assignment. Actually, they were doing a follow-up at the dam to scan for any residual psycho-kinetic energy and sweep for any possible semi-plasmatic vapor-based apparitions but, Dan and others didn't know that. To them, specifically to him, they were off doing something he thought was fun.
"You really wanna be a ghostbuster that badly, huh?"
"No," Dan answered Chrys. Then quickly followed up with, "Yes... I don't know!" He spun on his heels, fuming, huffing.
"We've met a lot of cool people too, Dan," Spike reminded him. "And I'm sure we could meet the Ghostbusters and Spider-man if you really wanted to."
"It's the principle," Dan grumbled.
"The principle of what?" Twilight asked. "We've met tons of famous people from alternate dimensions."
"And a lot of those people I ALREADY KNEW! YOU got to meet them. I know Steve from years ago," Dan exclaimed. "The Avengers... Starfleet... don't get me started with those space-nerds. They're dorks, all of them, which makes it not surprising that they're here. The Ghostbusters, Spider-man, Batman, those are folks that don't let nonsense get in the way. THAT's the kind of member we need on our team."
Phoenix folded his arms. (And I'm sure meeting a famous lawyer isn't exactly high markings either.) "Okay, Dan. Who is someone famous you'd like to meet?"
"Hmmm," he tapped his chin.
"Really? You have to think about this?"
"It's not something I've been asked before. And enough of this for now- we already have someone to meet. General Zeal, let's go."
"Didn't you say you already met him?" Twilight asked, remembering back.
Dan shrugged. "Well, to be fair, that was probably an impersonator or something. He's a famous spy. You could meet him and never know it."
"So you want to meet people, but not the people we've met and get more people on our team that can help us do stuff?" Chrys asked.
"I also want more car back. And my cat."
"Why am I getting the picture that your ultimate fantasy is just us as the A-Team?" Phoenix asked.
Dan recoiled. "What? No, why would I... want something as awesome as that, no. No... no. No. No, Nicky. There's no way we could be the A-Team."
"Alright."
"We'd obviously be the D-Team."
"There it is," Phoenix said. "I knew there had to be something."
"And you've been planning this for a while, haven't you?" Twilight asked.
"No! Well, maybe- not THAT long, just a few years. It's not like I'm making costumes and posters in my spare time."
"You made costumes for us all to impersonate villains," Twilight pointed out.
"But not posters! Those will take time to design and print out. We have to find the appropriate D-Team logos," Dan said.
"Uh huh. Well, I might just help you with these designs when we get back. If I'm going to end up wearing it anyway," Twilight said.
"That's the spirit! Let's go get us some land, first."
They ventured to the edge of town, the edge of the Everfree Forest. There was a path that led into the forest, made shortly after Zecora moved to town. The forest was still very much untamed, and the paths into the forest frequently were crossed by larger creatures, even more dangerous ones. But right now, another group of creatures were occupying the path.
"Oh! Uh... sorry." "We'll get going. Lieutenant!" "Yes, sir." "Xenophon, three to beam up."
The trio of figures were quickly enveloped by beams of light. Then, they vanished.
Grumbling only slightly, Dan stomped past where they had been.
"So... what was that about?" Chrys asked.
"Starfleet. Space nerds," Dan answered.
"You're in contact with Starfleet?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah, they wanted data on the Genesis-2 thingy and to research the planet. I said yes, in exchange for them leaving us- mostly me, alone and for... other important things," Dan explained.
Dan hadn't explained his dealings with Starfleet to anyone before; there hadn't been much to explain. The crew of the Reliant-R had been imprisoned on the moon along with the ponies and everyone else on Equestria. Apparently, the moon was really useful for imprisoning people. Upon being rescued, Starfleet kindly thanked Dan for his assistance and discussed a deal with him, a deal which Dan actually liked.
Starfleet recorded in its official report that Dan was a special project assistant for the Genesis-2 test, and that unfortunately the Reliant-R had been lost during the official test. In exchange for the research data, remaining project materials and permission to conduct ongoing studies, the Federation delivered several fleet ship modules and approved Dan as a tactical escort advisor to oversee things. As far as logs were concerned, Dan was now an ensign in Starfleet and the ships he was constructing in orbit were extensive defensive measures to help protect the ongoing research.
Starfleet had a few ships orbiting Equestria to conduct its ongoing research. The U.S.S. Forthright was the flagship of Admiral Phillip Owens who oversaw things. Captain Samuel Fletcher of the Noble was charged with escorting the science ships which came and went regularly. To anyone outside of Equestria, it all appeared as business as usual.
"So they're just here to... study?" Twilight asked. She looked over her shoulder as she walked by. "But that's what they said last time."
Dan stopped. "Wait. What you just said. They've been here BEFORE?"
"Yeah, a couple of times," Spike said. "They usually keep to themselves, and the first time, there was this doctor that-"
Dan held up a hand to stop him. "How. Many. Nerds. Have just popped out of thin air or randomly shown up here before?"
"Including you?" Twilight asked. They all giggled, save Dan.
"Dan, don't you kinda consider yourself a nerd? Aren't all of us?" Phoenix asked.
"I-that's, uh-I... shut up."
"People visit Equestria, Dan. From all over the place. Alternate realities, parallel dimensions, parallel realities and alternate dimensions."
"Famous lawyers brought in to save the day," Phoenix grinned, adding that caveat to Twilight's explanation.
"Alright," Dan announced. "When we get back, you are gonna make me a list of all the extra-dorkmensional activity Equestria's seen."
"Starting before or after you showed up?"
"Befor- wait, you're not funny! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" They laughed at Dan. He balled his fists, his arms went rigid at his sides and he stormed away from them. Not exactly effective, as they were going to the same place. But not every statement by Dan had to be a declaration, and even he knew that.
Finally, after several minutes of trekking through the forest, Zecora's hut appeared. It was always a bit of a welcome sight, as the Everfree never kept everything exactly where it was twice. True to its name, the Everfree Forest would not be tamed but having set paths or anything else. To be fair, though, it barely moved Zecora's hut an inch and that was just the one time. Probably to prove a point; the Everfree Forest also had a bit of a pride complex. Didn't like anyone getting too comfy with navigating it, and liked to screw with cartographers.
The Everfree also held plenty of secrets. Like a rare species of tree, the leaves of which held a powerful tranquilizer that knocked anyone who shook the tree out cold for no less than forty-five minutes and briefly forget about what they were doing. Zecora used an extract from the leaves to make a sleep aid potion, while her husband liked to use the same extract for poison darts. The same darts his personal guard carried and tended to use on trespassers, and if it's not obvious by now where I'm going with this, congratulations! You must be new here. If not, I still don't recommend the poison darts.
"Oh, dear General! Your favorite fantastic fivesome of foes has arrived!"
"Try not to let the whole forest know we're here."
"By the way gang, been thinking- we could get more than we negotiated for last time."
"Come again?" Twilight asked. "His first deal, he offered us land. Phoenix and Chrys haggle for more land. So what are you planning on getting by potentially pissing him off now?"
"EVEN MORE land," Dan clarified. "Or cash. Hey, there's the debt crisis solved right there! For every zebra that fights, we get gold! Ah, that's a great idea, Twilight!"
(What's more surprising is that they might actually go for that.)
"Hmmm. Maybe. But that's if we actually-" she fell over.
"Twilight?" Spike spun around. Then, he and Phoenix fell over.
Dan ran over to them. "Guys? Gu-OW!" Something hit Dan in the back of the neck. He reached around for it, and felt the dart.
Chrys felt something fly through her perforations. Several things. Then, they flew through her wings. Finally, she rolled her eyes.
"OH, for buck's sake." She grabbed a dart out of thin air and jabbed her neck with it. "There. Happy?" She passed out.
Unsurprisingly, they woke up in Zecora's hut. Slightly surprisingly, they woke up surrounded by zebras.
"How are all you guys even fitting in this place?"
The zebras said nothing. Zebra warriors, all armed with spears and shields only, all stared at them with unblinking eyes. It was kind-of unnerving, to the point you'd probably asked them to blink just to make sure they weren't statues.
"Can you guys like... blink?" the tied-up Dan asked. See? It's THAT uncomfortable. "Please?" One did. "Oh thank gawd. It's... it's actually kinda hurting my eyes to look at you. Thanks. Keep doing that."
The zeeb-dweebs parted. Zen Zeal stepped forward. He was grinning.
"I take it you've reconsidered my offer, your highness."
"Yeah, we want cash, too, this time. Also more la-AAAA!" He felt the spear of one of the zebras graze his back, but then was surprised when they cut his binds instead. "Oh... thanks."
"General Zeal," Twilight stepped forward. "The Kingdom of Equestria would graciously like to accept your offer to assist us in the defense of our world." The air of authority and royal pony-ness in her voice could not be overstated. "We would like to accept your original offer of land north of Prosperity, and west of the Everflow from the-"
He held up a hoof. "Stop. You can have all the land from river to sea. My people care not for land they're not using. I cannot provide material or currency, however. Our own coffers have been empty since our return."
"The Zebra Kingdom's broke, too?" Chrys asked. "Well, crap. AND WHERE THE HELL ARE MY CHANGELINGS?!"
"Easy, girl," Dan petted her. "Like I haven't seen the magazines you've been laying around the house."
"M- what magazines? I don't know what you're talking about..."
"Apiarist's Weekly, All About Ant Farming, Insects Monthly, Bug Fables? Ring any bells?"
"Th-that last one's actually a game for me and Fluffle," Chrys clicked her hooves together shyly. Dan was her first boyfriend, Chrys was not Dan's first girlfriend. It was an interesting dynamic, where Dan had the experience and Chrys had the burning urge to build a new hive with him. And lack of cash helped none of these plans.
"So you are planning on engaging in honorable defense against the invaders," Zen said. He stood, tapped the edge of his spear to his chin. Carefully, he twisted it in his hoof. "Or you plan on using us as a diversion while you flee."
"The second one, that definitely came to mind," Dan said. "Look, you wanna fight, they wanna fight, we wanna get outta dodge, you're all gonna get sucked into a black hole. Everybody wins... everybody that matters, anyway."
"We would uh... obviously, teleport you guys out of danger. First," Spike awkwardly added.
Zen scowled. "You fight without honor. Disdainful. I want nothing of your deceits. I want glory. Glory that comes from fighting the would-be gods."
"I also beat you. So you can stick your glory right up your-"
"You are also on your knees, begging for money while your kingdom collapses from within," Zeal said. He twisted the spear again in his hoof.
"Okay, uh..." Dan thought quickly. "What if we employed you in an... advisory role?"
Zeal turned to him slowly. "Continue."
"You could train us!" Phoenix blurted. "You can do a lot of cool things with just a bunch of wooden weapons. Could you teach ponies how to do that?"
Zeal sighed and rolled his eyes. "Of course. Training."
"What's your deal, Zeal? You want war so badly, why even wait?" Dan asked. Behind him, all four of his friends with him tried to whisper to him that it was a bad idea. "Even I don't go looking for fights this big. Does your precious little honor matter that much if your entire civilization dies?"
The old warrior closed his eyes. "I've lived through multiple lifetimes, more civilizations than I care to count."
(What's surprising is he actually believes this crap.)
"Same here, Nicky." "Stop reading my thoughts, Dan." "Stop thinking so loudly."
"War is part of me. It is in my very spirit, beyond blood and beyond bone."
"Not beyond long-winded speeches, apparently."
"For me to deny battle would be a more abhorrent offense than to deny breath," Zeal said. "I am a warrior. I have trained thousands of generations of warriors. Countless times have I lived, died and been born again on the field of battle. My honor carries the spirit of all my lives, all those proud nations, proud kings and queens, men and women I've fought beside-"
"Hit me with another dart and wake me when he's done blabbing."
"I have killed more than could fill ten of this world. Death has never held me long. Neither has defeat," Zeal turned to them again. And he smiled. "Your terms are accepted."
"Fantastic!" Dan got up. "Welcome to the-" he was hit with another tranquilizer dart and fell to the ground, mid attempt at handshake. Zeal darted all of them, save Twilight.
Zeal tapped his spear twice on the ground. His zebras raised up the fallen forms of Twilight's friends and carried them out.
"Where, may I ask, are you taking my friends?"
"To be trained, your highness. Training begins immediately. They will be taken to the forest clearing."
"Oh... okay. Um... are you going to give me any training?" Twilight asked, suddenly shy again. She was always eager to learn, even from warmongers.
"Of course," Zeal smiled.
"So... why didn't you knock me out?"
"Do you wish to be carried?"
"N-no," Twilight said. "Just... curious."
"Yes, I can tell. Your training will be different. You require lessons in balance, understanding. I could sense your chi being twisted the moment you entered the forest."
"My... what?"
"Dan requires a different lessons. He knows of balance already. He has focus," Zen said, leading her out of the hut.
"What lesson does Dan require?"
He looked back at her and grinned again. "Awareness."
So, when it starts, it starts with the whispers. When a 'special' person or place shows up, the rumors start spreading. Eventually, the picture gets clearer and soon, you have people from all over the place showing up. Some just to see it, some to try and take a piece for themselves. Such is the way in each universe, each dimension; if you build it, or more precisely when you find it, they will come. Like a 'gold rush' phase. The type of 'gold' may change, but the rush is usually the same.
She knew they would come for this place eventually, and so she put as much distance between us and them as she was able. She put doors in place, and made it so we would find them first, so that we would be ready when they come. It did not matter who came first, the righteous or the indignant, the helpful, the hopeless or the hungry, the saint, the sinner, the savage or the shadows that circle in between. Even those who came simply to learn would be treated as the thief; no matter how noble, it would be not their intent that matters. For no matter the intent, the result could be, would only be the same.
The whispers have begun. We hear them even if you do not. We have a duty to protect what is ours, what remains ours, what will always be ours. It's more valuable than you know, more valuable than gold. And they are coming for it. For you. Do not fear our return, my daughters.
Pray that we are not too late.
When Dan woke up, he didn't realize he'd woken up at first. Until he looked up and saw stars. Everything around him, however, was completely pitch black. He couldn't get his bearings because it was just impossible for him to see; the only light was in space or too dim to illuminate anything. Bio-luminescent life, glowing mushrooms and moss were the only light sources along with the occasional firefly. Everything else was dark.
"He-hello? HEY!" Dan shouted. And the shouting rustled the trees, caused sleeping animals to stir all around him. The very sound of his voice awakened a roar of creatures rustling. The night stirred for several long seconds with the growls, howls and chitters of unseen fauna until finally, they were quiet yet again.
Dan nearly soiled himself.
"Okay... don't panic. Survival instincts, kick in!" His survival instincts were not as quick to kick in as he would've hoped. "It's alright, Dan, you've drilled for this. I've drilled everyone I know with intense survival lessons for months on end. But why didn't I take any MYSELF?!"
"*Krrraaa! Krrraaa!!*"
"Okay... okay, can't talk too loud because... of things. In the dark. With teeth." He looked around, which didn't help. Turned in a full circle, still not helpful. Pitch dark, Dan was not able to see his hand in front of his own face. He took a careful step forward, having to take extra care because his limbs were shaking that much. Not only was it cold, but he was terrified. Which made it seem colder.
"Okay Dan," he said, beginning his third attempt starting with "Okay" in the effort it would actually be true. It wasn't. "You've been in these situations before. You hear me, Zeal? Are you listening? This isn't the first time someone's kidnapped me and dumped me in the woods!"
"*Krraaa!*"
"S-s-so it is d-darker than it was last time. I could still see the last time I was ditched in the forest. But I'm not naked this time, so that's a plus. I could be naked, though."
Dan, this is the narrator.
"Richard Dreyfuss?"
No, he's just the voice of Fluffle's inner dialogue. I'm new. Started after Episode 19. Anyway, I'm going to have to ask you not to take your clothes off.
"That's oddly specific. I mean, it's pitch black out here. Not like anyone would see-"
Dan, no. You don't have to do this. You don't have to take your clothes off, at least not this time.
"Oh no?"
Even though it seems like you're completely blind, it's gonna be fine.
"Uh huh."
We don't have to take ou-
"Please stop now."
Okay. Dan headed for the only lights he could see. Wasn't quite sure what they were, and soon found several tree roots that he stumbled over. Unable to see, he felt several vines dangling from the tree, some of the wet. He pushed his way through the fines, trying to make his way around the tree. He crept, feet pressing into the soft ground between the tree roots, pushing the vines out of his way, until they got thicker and thicker.
Suddenly, Dan felt his arms roped around the vines. He struggled, but they pulled tight, and then lifted him upward.
*"Kikikikikikrrrrrrrr*"
"AAAAHH! HELP! HEEELLLP!!"
A large, branch-like thing, striped down its sides, not that Dan would see, pulled him upward using its limbs. Splits appeared down its body, opening up to reveal a maw full of tiny, serrated teeth.
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!!" Dan flailed, but his limbs were pulled tight. The creature continued pulling him upward into its waiting maw, hungry for a warm snack. Then, abruptly, its vine-like limbs went slack.
Dan fell to the ground. The vine-tentacles released him.
"What? What the hell was that?"
"Equestrians call them canopy anglers." Zen Zeal appeared out of the darkness, a lantern hanging from his spear. Two zebras flanked him. "It would've eaten you easily. One minute, forty-three seconds." The general turned away and walked back into the darkness.
"What?" Dan asked. "That thing was gonna eat me? What in the hell do you mean a minute and-"
"Again."
Dan felt something prick his neck, realized this time it was a dart before falling unconscious.
When Dan woke up, he didn't realize he'd woken u-
"You said that already!" Dan shouted. The noise stirred the forest, causing the limbs of trees to wave like that'd been hit by storm winds. He quieted himself quickly this time. He looked around, trying again to get his bearings but there were none to get.
"Okay, what gives? What the hell kinda training is this?"
"*Awooooooooo~*"
"Hello? Zeal? Is that you?"
"*ha...ha...ha...*"
"I'm getting pretty damn tired of this! If this is your idea of training, then you need your heads examined, because they're so far up your own-"
A massive wooden paw slammed against Dan's chest. Instantly, he was face to face with the mighty Timberwolf. Fiercely territorial and deadly, they were known to prey on unsuspecting travelers in the Everfree. They hunted in packs, but this one was young, alone and had just woken up. Its green eyes illuminated a bit of the night as they peered at Dan.
"N-n-nice wolfie. Nice boy."
"*Rrrrrrrrrrrr...*" The wooden wolf did not take kindly to being rudely awoken. "*Awwooo*?" But then, the creature fell over. Dan quickly pulled himself up.
"Adolescent timberwolf. Probably wouldn't have eaten you, but would've slashed you to pieces to prove a point," Zeal said. Again, he had appeared out of nowhere. Again.
"What the hell are you doing, Zeal? Where the hell did you even come from? It's you that keeps doing this, isn't it? Where's Twilight?"
Zeal regarded him with the same cold, iron stare he always had. "Eighteen seconds."
Dan shook his fist at the zebra, nearly foaming, but then he thought. "Eighteen seconds until what? Wait... did you mean-"
"Again."
Dan felt a dart hit his neck, then felt his body go numb again.
When Dan woke up this time, he didn't say anything. He looked around, breathing heavy, he made his way towards a tree. He avoided the vines, staying just close enough to the tree that he could feel the edges of the roots indenting the ground beneath. His steps were nearly silent.
He didn't know exactly where he was going, but he followed the trees from bigger to smaller, making his way out of the denser part of the forest. The older the tree, the larger and more spread out it was, so he moved towards the smaller trees, avoiding the vines and anything that lit up. He nearly bumped into several sleeping creatures, possibly timberwolves. He smelled something sweet, a nectar that was almost haunting, begging him to come in search for it, but he avoided it. A good decision, as there were several bugbears that would have had a problem if he'd come close to where they got their honey.
Dan made his way out of the forest without even the use of his eyes. Eventually, the light from the sky, the moon in particular, reached the ground. He was out from under the forest canopy at last.
"HA! HahahaHA! I did it!" Dan celebrated, but the rustling of the trees quickly reminded him it was not the time to be loud, or to make any noise at all. So he whispered, "I did it, sucker! I won!"
Dan took a step forward and fell into the river.
"AAAAHHH! HELP! HELP!!" The current quickly grabbed him and carried him with it. He felt something hard.
"Excuse me, would you mind keeping it down?" A serpent with a grass mustache asked.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAA!"
The serpent shook his head. "That's not what I meant."
"Fourteen minutes!" Zen shouted from the opposite bank of the river.
"Ye-yeah!!" Dan yelled. "I'm getting better at this, aren't I?"
"Again!"
"NO, wait just a-" Dan held out his hand to stop Zeal, and that's where he felt the dart. Right in the palm. "Ohh you son of a biiii..." He passed out.
The serpent moved Dan along the length of his body, picked him with his tail and then handed him to Zeal. "I believe this is yours."
"Thank you. Your assistance is appreciated."
"Quite welcome. Do tell Rarity I said hello."
"Of course. Good night."
"Farewell."
By the twenty-seventh time Dan woke up in the middle of the Everfree Forest, he was ready. He knew every animal and the noises it made, he knew the dangers that lurked and the obstacles in front of him, where every pitfall and predator was, including the Predator from the movie Predator. Yeah, one of those was in there, too. His name's Dave and he doesn't really like visitors.
Dan was silent and swift. He trusted his ears and his skin more than his eyes. He was able to smell the river and hear the running water before he saw it. After multiple attempts of trying and failing, being caught in various traps and by various creatures, Dan finally was an expert at navigating the Everfree at night. Eventually, he made it back to Zecora's hut and from there, back to Ponyville.
When he emerged from the treeline, his friends were waiting for him.
"Dan!" "There he is! That's our guy."
Chrys, Phoenix, Twilight and Spike ran up to embrace him. He was covered in sweat and muck, he had a beard for some reason and he was wearing a skirt made of leaves that might've been poisonous. Damn it, I told him he didn't need to take his clothes off. And he does it anyway. I don't get paid enough for this job.
"Oh shut the hell up. Hi, guys!"
"Dan, you finally made it out!"
"Great job, Dan," Phoenix said. "Mmm, this is good."
Dan hugged them all, despite the sweat and stench clinging to him. He definitely smelled like the Everfree Forest.
"We were worried at first, but I had faith you'd make it out. Eventually," Chrys said.
"You showed incredible tenacity and resourcefulness, Dan. And you learned quickly," Twilight remarked. "Thinkin' on your feet, as always."
Dan pulled back, smiling. "You guys saw all that? Yeah, didn't take me that long, did it?"
"Nnnope!" Phoenix said, taking another bite.
"Wait, what are you guys eating?"
"Gelato!" Phoenix said. "I got lemon. Didn't even know there was a gelato place in town."
Dan pushed them aside. Every part of his dirt-caked body ached. "You're eating Italian iced delicacies... WITHOUT ME? DURING what's supposed to be MUTUAL training?"
Phoenix, Spike and Chrys nodded, still eating. "Yup."
"Did... did you get me any??"
"Sorry, Dan. We didn't know how long you were gonna be in the forest," Twilight said.
"I had five bits on two days at least," Spike added.
"Gaderlbrrrerrawwgava!" Dan made... some kind of angry noise and stomped his way past his friends, over to where Zeal stood. Again, he was flanked by his zebras, but this time, their spears were stuck firmly in the ground as they were using their hooves to eat gelato.
"You." Best way to start a conversation. "You," Dan said, "I beat your jungle obstacle course. And I get why you're doing this, right? Teach me how to use other senses, get the lay of the land and perceive dangers without using my eyesight. Very effective. And you could've accomplished the SAME EFFECT by just tossing me in a broom closet and turning out the lights!!"
"Indeed. More effective this way," Zeal said between bites of gelato. "Your final time was forty-nine minutes. Very impressive."
Dan nodded, grinning with snide pride. "Yes, yes, I'm awesome- wait, did you just complement me?"
"Of course," Zeal said. "Congratulations on making it through the forest, Dan. You've won. Again."
"Well, thank you, now can I ge- wait, did you mean I've won again or-" And then the dart hit him in the back of the neck. "I hate you so muuuuuuuuuuuu..." He passed out. Two zebras picked Dan up by his shoulders and carried him back into the forest.
"Further back this time," Zeal instructed. He turned and walked back to Ponyville. The others slowly turned to join him.
Twilight trotted up to Zeal. "So, um, I have a couple of questions about Dan's... 'training.'"
"Ask."
"Well, he made it through the forest. At night," Twilight said. "Isn't that enough? What more do you expect him to do?"
"Improve," Zeal said. "I expect him to reach the edge faster. He has attained the basic skills, knowledge and experience required to complete the course. Now, they must be sharpened."
"Okay..." Twilight said. She didn't fully understand. "Why does our training involve gelato?"
"It doesn't," Zeal said. "That was to annoy Dan."
"Ah. I thought that's what that was about."
"Will Dan being annoyed improve his senses or something?" Spike asked.
"No. I wanted to annoy Dan and I like gelato."
"What, so we just wait for him again?" Phoenix asked.
"Yes. Again."
"Oka- wait." And Phoenix, Chrys, Spike and Twilight were all hit with darts and knocked unconscious. Zen went back to Ponyville to get gelato. Again.
The ice and snow whipped around the Flutterbird. In actuality, the wings of the gunship were blasting the blizzard-like winds away from the area it hovered over, creating a clearing in the snow. Pitch dark again, the lights of the vehicle illuminated the powdery-white surface below. The side hatch of the Flutterbird opened and Dan came tumbling out.
"AAAAAHHH!" He hit the snow face first. "Y-yo-yo-YOU ARE INS-SANE!! You're all INS-S-SANE!!"
Zeal braced his hoof on the side of the aircraft. "This is the coldest part of Equestria," he declared to Dan. "If you are exposed for more than a minute, you will die a very slow and painful death." He closed the hatch.
"YOU'RE A MAD MAN!! MAAAAAAADDD!! AAAAAAAAAAGHH!!" The Flutterbird flew away with Dan shouting at it, leaving him alone in the cold darkness of the frozen tundra. "W-W-WHEN I G-G-GET OUT OF H-HERE, I'M GONNA K-KILL Y-YOU! K-K-KILL YO-YOU ALL!!!"
Dan's training was exactly like that. Over the course of a few days, Zeal would take Dan and leave him in the middle of some place inhospitable and expect him to make it out alive. If Dan failed, he would be forced to do it over. The only goal was to survive. He was never completely alone, even though it seemed like it. Several zebras from Zen Zeal's legions were always nearby, watching, monitoring him. They were seeing how he progressed and learned and were also there to keep any real harm from befalling him. They didn't help him in any way except by keeping him alive.
True to his nature, Dan learned and adapted quickly. He was left at the top of a barren mesa in Donquestria, tossed off a boat in the middle of the monster-infested Wild Sea, locked in a locker at a train station in Dodge City, strapped to a handcart heading towards a cliff, tied to a tree near the mouth of an erupting volcano, thrown into the caves of the Badlands and dumped in a sewer in Detrot. Each time, Dan eventually triumphed over each challenge and was then made to redo it until Zeal was satisfied. Usually, not until after Dan was enraged beyond rational thought.
"This will be your last task."
"Oh, gee, too bad," Dan said. "And to think, the only souvenirs we'll have are the cactus needles, tranquilizer darts and various other things that have been jabbed into me over the past couple of days. What sweet memories." Dan looked around. He appeared to be in some sort of kitchen. "This a cooking challenge, or something?"
"No," Zen said. "As before, your only task is to survive."
Dan looked down at himself. He was wearing a uniform, apron, rubber gloves and hairnet. "Kitchen duty? Really? THAT'S my final challenge?"
Zen nodded. "You are scheduled for an eight-hour shift including two ten-minute breaks and a half-hour lunch."
"The old nine-to-five grind, eh? Can practically do that in my sleep. Actually did, once. How many times am I going to have to do this?"
"Once."
"Once?" Dan repeated. Zen turned and walked out the backdoor of the kitchen. "Just one time? Really? Easy! Heck, I'll even take minimum wage hours! And I'm not even working the register? This is gonna be cake!"
Outside, Zen Zeal took one last look back at the restaurant he had left Dan at, the last challenge of his training. A large, unlit neon sign stood in the front of the parking lot, its sun-faded display visible from all sides as it rose, casting a shadow too small to offer even a compact car adequate shade. The colors and letters on the sign were faded, partly blackened from the poor construction and a burnt-out bulb dislodged by weather, still conveying the same message to those apathetic enough to want the fast food it represented that it did decades ago when it was installed. The name of the restaurant, still visible after all this time, read: Pollo Tropikale.
"You are a sick, sick zebra, General Zeal," Phoenix said.
"I know," Zeal said, making no effort to hide what he had done.
"That place has more health code violations than menu items!" Phoenix exclaimed.
"I... don't quite understand. What is a pollo?" Chrys asked.
"It's pronounced poy-yo. It's Spanish for chicken. But that place..." Phoenix shivered at the very thought of the fast food restaurant known as Pollo Tropikale. It evoked horrific images of food that should never be eaten, never prepared.
"Is it dangerous in there?" Twilight asked.
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH DEAR GAWD IT'S EVERYWHERE!! IT'S IN THE RICE!!!!!"
"In ways you could not imagine," Zeal answered. "The challenge has begun."
Since its creation in the late eighties, Pollo Tropikale had been responsible for more cases of food poisoning than any other fast food restaurant in history. Claiming to specialize in Caribbean-style and Latin American cuisine, the food consisted mostly of chicken, pork, beans and rice coated with citrus seasonings and pepper, then grilled. A traditional staple of many communities in the Caribbean and Central America, Pollo Tropikale was created to bring that unique style of cooking to a larger American audience. Its failure cannot be overstated.
The standards of Pollo Tropikale, if they had any to begin with, were truly atrocious. Their grilled chicken could be either undercooked, overcooked or a combination of both, marking the only instance of the scientific Hot Pocket-effect observed outside of a Hot Pocket or Boston Market rotisserie chicken. The restaurant did not store nor cook their food at the proper temperatures, hot-held(cooking and keeping the food under a heat lamp before serving) for far too long, and did very little to sanitize their working environment. The result was possibly the most disgusting place to work at, eat at or drive past.
Dan was well aware of the restaurant's reputation. Commonly located in lower-income areas, such as in the parking lots of Home Depot, Pollo Tropikale was frequented by unskilled laborers, immigrants and working-class individuals; Dan's people. Their more-hearty and rugged existence served them by giving them more intestinal fortitude in many cases, allowing them to actually eat what passed for food there without suffering much indigestion. The kind of person that drowns a meal in hot sauce and has a beer to wash it down. They usually pay for it later.
Eight hours later, Dan finished his shift.
Ponyville General Hospital, I.C.U. room 2
"The antibiotic treatment is working fine, but I'd like to keep him here for the night to be on the safe side."
"Thank you, doctor," Twilight said.
"How are you feeling, Dan?" Chrys asked.
"Fine. I think," Dan said. He couldn't really see at the moment; his eyes were swollen shut. Covered in bandages and an I.V. attached to him, Dan truly looked like he had been through a war.
"If it makes you feel any better, Zeal said he's going to give us more land now after this," Twilight said.
"I'm going to kill him if I ever see him again," Dan replied. Considering he couldn't see out of his eyes, though... they weren't sure what to make of that statement. "I don't understand it."
"What's that?"
"I didn't eat any of the food. How do I have a stomach infection?"
"Did you breath in the air?" Phoenix asked.
"Yeah."
Phoenix nodded. "That'd do it." (There's salmonella in the air at that place.)
Twilight decided it was time to have a word with the general. She stepped outside Dan's hospital room. Zeal was waiting for her.
"Wha-oh."
"Have him drink this." The general hoofed her a bottle of vibrant, purple-blue-green-indigo striped liquid.
"A potion? Oh, uh... thank you."
Zeal bobbed his head downward, what passed for a nod. "He will be prepared now for threats from without and within."
"So... it really was part of his training?" Twilight asked. "I'm sorry if I seem skeptical, but... how is this supposed to help him battle the king and queen?"
"Do you know how they will fight?" Zeal asked. "Do you know where the battle will be waged?"
"Well, no."
"If the legends are to be believed, the power of the monarchal alicorns is near-absolute. Possibly greater. You presume the war will be fought among the stars and that is where you plan to engage them. But a predictable enemy is a defeated enemy, and I doubt the king and queen shall be so predictable."
Twilight's eyes went wide in shock. "You... they could fight us anywhere." It was true; their plans up to this point were predicting the actions of the king and queen. It was true, they had known of the possibility they could bypass any orbital defense on the moon or with satellites the ponies planned on using. By positioning their forces in orbit, Equestria could better react. But what if the king and queen committed all their forces to a ground assault? It would force Dan and company to come to them.
"I do not claim to know magic the way ponies do, but I know war. This is our home, the entire planet, not just one nation or another. All are linked, and all are threatened. Now, Dan will know this world better than our enemies. Now, the homefield advantage is truly ours," Zeal said.
"So do you make all of your soldiers work at a crappy fast food restaurant?"
He nodded and shrugged. "At least I don't make them eat there."
"Fair enough." Twilight went back in the room to check on Dan. After he was discharged, they went out to Hayburger for hayburgers.
The walls around Ponyville were quite artistic, Arteem had to admit. The earth ponies had rebuilt them in the space of a few hours and painted them shortly before nightfall. The second coat was already drying before the sun set, and already it appeared as if it had been part of Ponyville the entire time. Parts of the wall resembled rolling hills at the top, mountains, golden plains, fluffy clouds, all four of the major scenic features of Equestria. The gates were friendly and welcoming, and all four of them were uniquely designed. Finally, loudspeakers were attached to the walls at various points that could broadcast alerts, announcements and even music.
And they all hid strikingly-sophisticated security measures, both magical and technological in nature. Any trespasser would be responded to very quickly by pegasi. These security measures blended in perfectly with the town's aesthetic. Almost too perfectly. New buildings had been constructed, all four of which housed hidden ion cannons.
"Impressed Analysis: The town has upgraded its defenses. They appear to be designed to prevent both infiltration and repel invasion. Potential for sabotage is very low, and estimates of the town's ability to withstand siege appear quite high."
"I'll admit, it's a bit more impressive than Khoonda. I wonder if they have a faulty side door in this place, too." The Dark Exile exhaled, lowered his macrobinoculars. Things were more difficult than he expected. "What of the other cities?"
HK-50 rotated his mechanical head from side to side. "Critical Statement: Our scouts have reported similar fortifications being made in major cities throughout the region. In extensive security presence is building and the nation appears to be on high alert, though normal operations continue. This reaction is unexpected; our main forces do not appear to have been detected."
"It's not for us, then. Interesting. They're expecting visitors... and not the friendly sort."
"Confident Statement: If we were to wait until the invaders arrive, we could join-"
"No," Surik said, standing up. "No more alliances. Bring in everyone."
The HK-50 assassin droid was one of many produced at the Dark Exile's hidden factory on Telos. Despite the fact they were so numerous, most of them seemed to share a bloated ego and smug pride, a trait that made the machines overconfident. Even caused them to miscalculate at times. Surik knew of a mechanic that might have been able to correct this flaw... if only he knew where they were.
Surik didn't know where Bao-Dur was. But he did know that *she* was here.
"Cautious Advisory: Master, direct attack is likely to result in many casualties. Not to mention the loss of valuable material and resources... including droids."
Surik grinned. "What's the matter, HK? Afraid of being broken? Don't worry; I fixed your predecessor once. I'm sure we'll have plenty of spare parts when this is over."
"Disappointed Statement: That is what worries me."
The two disappeared into the darkness of the night. Defenses or no, they were going on the attack. Just like Dxun, but hey, third time's the charm, right?
After Dan recovered, Zen brought him back to Zecora's hut.
"I hate you," Dan said.
"I can tell."
"I hate you... I hate you RIGHT NOW more than I've EVER HATED ANYONE BEFORE. I. HATE. YOU!"
"Is that all?"
"NO," Dan proclaimed. "You are ALSO paying my hospital bill. Damn copays went up again. Insurance companies are just legal ponzi schemes."
Zeal sat quietly, almost meditating. The two men sat on the floor, legs crossed, almost meditating. Dan hated meditating, but he did meditate on his hatred of meditating, which he hated doing. And he meditated on that, too. And hated it. Medit-hate.
"Your anger gives you focus. You know how to use it properly, to harness that emotion and feeling," Zeal said.
Snarling through his teeth, Dan agreed. "Yesss... thank my upbringing for that."
"Indeed. Focus is not your problem. Neither is balance. To your credit, you have achieved some measure of purity."
"Thanks. Jackass." A spear landed near Dan. "Aaah!"
"But you lack awareness."
"I get it. All that survival crap, that was to sharpen my senses, sure. Now, what? The next plan is to hone my insight or something?"
"No," Zen said. He got up from his position, took a spear and his shield in both his forelegs. He stood on his hindlegs when he was in a fighting stance, but hunched over, presenting a smaller profile that hid more of his body behind his shield. When standing fully, he balanced himself with the spear and the edge of his shield, placing both firmly on the ground. Even armed with both weapons, he still moved like he was on four legs.
Dan was not intimidated by his display. "I know your stick schtick by now, pal. The spear is magic, the shield is magic, you use potions. Give me the same stuff and I'll do just as well."
"There are no potions to enhance weapons," Zeal stated. "And I did not need magic to defeat your princesses."
"Wait," Dan pointed at him. "You didn't beat the princesses."
"I did. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna both fell to my spear."
"Ha," Dan scoffed. "They let you win. To protect the Saddle Arabians. How they heck could you REALLY beat an alicorn?"
"Understanding," Zen said. He jabbed Dan with the bottom of his spear, swept his legs with the shield and spun the blade around at his neck. Before Dan could even blink, he was on the ground, spear edge at his throat. "Understanding your opponent is the key to victory. You know this."
"I- yeah, that's pretty basic-"
"It is the most valuable resource. On the battlefield, anywhere. Knowledge is strength. Knowledge is defense."
"Knowledge is power, I get it," Dan said. His hands were raised above his head as Zen kept going.
"No. You do not," Zen said. "Knowledge is everything. And it is everywhere."
Slowly, Dan got up to his feet again. Zen hoofed him the spear. "So do I get to fight you now? Again? Rematch time?"
"No," Zeal said again. "Feel the weapon in your hands."
"Okay. It's a stick."
Zen rolled his eyes. He took the spear back. "Feel it. Close your eyes."
"Again with this monk crap." That comment earned Dan a bap on the head.
"Feel. Now."
"Alright, fine." Dan grabbed the spear and closed his eyes. The wooden handle had grooves in it and markings, all clearly carved and painted. It felt symmetrical in Dan's hand despite its ritual appearance. It was light and balanced, but sturdy. "It's not bad. Reminds me of a three-wood I used to have."
"Good. Which direction does the wind blow?"
Dan opened his eyes. "I dunno, I-"
"Eyes closed!" Zeal bapped him again.
"KNOCK IT OFF!"
"Eyes. Closed," Zeal repeated.
Dan huffed. "Fine." He closed his eyes. "I... can't tell you anything about wind. We're not even outsi-"
"Quiet. Feel."
"The hell are you-"
"QUIET. FEEL." Zen grabbed Dan's arm, positioned the spear upright and closed Dan's eyes for him. "Feel. With your hands."
Dan felt the grooves on the spear. He held his hand on the spear's shaft, the grooves and markings pressing into his palm and fingers. He concentrated, focused on just the feeling in his hand. The spear was being tugged, pulled ever so slightly in his grip. Not by gravity but by the airflow in the hut. The air caught the spear's grooves as it flowed by, gently tugging and blowing through them as it did. It flowed past the spear and around his arm, clinging to his hair as it did before flowing again.
"It's, uh... it's flowing that way," Dan said, throwing his thumb over his shoulder.
"Good. Is it hot or cold?"
"Little cool. Little dry."
"Actually, it's a little humid because the dehumidifier is busted. But not bad for your first attempt."
"I see," Dan said. "So you're able to sense your surroundings with your special stick."
Zen took the spear back. "I am able to sense everything with this 'stick.'"
"That a fact- wait-"
"Everything creates information. It's carried in vibrations, on the winds... in the warmth of the sun and the coolness of the night. Knowledge is everything. And it is everywhere," Zen explained. "I train my warriors until their weapons are like a part of them, until fighting is as natural as breathing and spear and shield are like their own limbs."
Dan thought. "Alright, that's... pretty cool, I guess." For some reason, Dan thought of driving his car in that instant. He imagined his hands gripping the steering wheel, feeling the grooves and the peeling, faded paint. Through the wheel, he felt the wheels and through the wheels, he felt the road. Especially that month when the power steering went out. Perhaps there was something to Zen's weapon-sense.
Zen closed his eyes. "Know every part of your weapon, from the weight in your hand to the feeling of when it impales your enemy. How drops of rain or flakes of ash cling to it, how wind and smoke flow around it, how it cuts through heat and ice, darkness and light. The shadow it casts in the sun... and the way it flies when you throw it."
Dan took the spear again. Zen continued. "I am able to sense everything with this spear. From a heartbeat to an avalanche, every move my enemy makes. I am able to read your thoughts; they are written in every twitch of your muscle. Every breath or twist of the head. When a unicorn intends to strike, they raise or lower their head depending on the spell they intend to cast. Lower, focusing the horn towards their target for direct, focused attacks. Up for more broad strikes."
It was true, for the most part. Every species had their own preferred way of fighting. Griffons tended to hide their claws, keeping them close until they were ready to strike. Then, they would make quick swipes if on the defensive, or go for the throat or other vulnerable spot, closing the gap with a lunge. Earth ponies would stomp, charge and whip their powerful back legs around, or straight-up box their opponents. And of course, pegasi were all about speed and using the weather.
But alicorns were something different all together. "So how did you beat Celestia?"
Zen opened his eyes. "It is as you said: she was more focused on protecting the Saddle Arabians than on fighting my forces. So I removed that obstacle."
"You attacked civilians. Because you're an evil SOB."
The zebra didn't even pause at Dan's comment. "I had the bulk of my forces flank their defensive positions. Then, I ordered our artillery, graciously supplied by Vice Grip at the time, to fire on the evacuees' airships. This forced them to engage me head-on. The advantage was mine, so I pressed it."
A smile crept across Dan's face. "Then she gave you quite a... sunburn, didn't she?"
Zeal sneered. "Quite. That is enough history for today. Now, I will train you to use your weapon."
"So I AM going to build a stick," Dan surmised. But Zen surprised him by pulling out the Pain Cane, his cobbled weapon he seldom used in the past. And Dollars' random shotgun.
"You have built weapons already." Zen threw both items at Dan. "Now, you will learn to use them."
Of the nature of our understanding of the universe, it can honestly be said that it is limited. Mankind is not just a new species, at times arrogant, at times all things, it is presumptuous. We fail to take into account that we have more knowledge than we even have certainty and as time goes on, we gain more knowledge and simultaneously gain more uncertainty. The step in front of us seems more and more shaky, and so the bridge must be the missing piece, faith.
You lament the loss of understanding, of memory and knowledge but you've already lost the thing that gave them any meaning: humanity, faith, and faith in humanity. Cynically, you paint your dismal tapestries of the world in your imagination, this inescapable vision you see in front of you and it paralyzes you from making any steps after. Your failure to reconcile certainty has robbed you of will, and there's nothing you can do about it but cry.
Your cynical views grasp at the like, for misery loves company while around you, people keep making random bursts of laughter, of joy, of art. You could say ignorance is bliss, but you're only ignorant in a different way. And you wonder, why, thinking it something of a distraction when it is in fact past the point you can't get past. You used to be like them, you can be again, and their songs will always outnumber your complex, depressing narratives anyway. Because jokes are easy to make and you're not supposed to explain them. That's why they're jokes.
And you wonder why nobody watches The Simpsons any more. Now, the joke's on you. I hope you'll get it one day. If not, well, I've been laughing and I'm not gonna stop.
The weapon training came remarkably easy to Dan. Finally, after hours of torture, there was a portion of his training that came naturally. Dan was indeed adept at using his weapons of choice in the various trials Zen prepared for him. From using the Pain Cane in close quarters, mastering how to throw it like a boomerang, taking it apart and reassembling it and even fighting someone using it against him, Dan quickly mastered the use of weapons. Dan suffered no damage from weapon training.
Instead, the environment did.
Zen had the misfortune to hold Dan's weapon training sessions in his own zebra training camp. Dan and camps did not go very well together.
"So, that should be it for today, right?"
Zen was not easily surprised and his expression showed. "How... why..."
Dan turned around. The zebra training camp used to consist of several fenced in areas, a place for target practice, an obstacle course, several wooden huts and a sparring ring in the center. There were even several barns for supplies, a barracks and an armory. It used to consist of these things, but now it just consisted of a crater.
"Ah, just like the last time I was at summer camp."
"There were no explosives stored here," Zeal said, more of a question than a statement. Dan simply turned back around and smiled at him. So Zen turned to Twilight, Chrys, Spike and Phoenix and repeated, "There were NO explosives stored here."
They all shrugged. At the same time. "He has a way with destruction and demolition," Phoenix said. (Though I'm not convinced this isn't just to get back at Zeal anyway.)
"So what's next?" Dan asked, almost too enthusiastically. Of course, he'd just blown up something and ticked off someone he didn't like, so that usually made him happy. And by 'usually,' I mean 'literally always.'
Zen Zeal's spear visibly shook in his hoof. The zebra would've been red in the face if he didn't have greater control of his emotions. But, before he could explode and possibly skewer Dan, Dan intervened and said,
"Hey! You're angry. And I can tell! See? The training has paid off."
And Zeal abruptly stopped, his face breaking into a slight, contented smile. "That it has. Your training is complete."
Chrys looked back and forth between Dan and Zeal. "Really? That's all that the training was supposed to do?"
"Of course not. But the rest of my training facilities have been destroyed, so training over."
"YES!!" Dan exclaimed. "I mean... great, yes, thank you for all the... instruction and stuff. So do we get the land now?"
Zeal pointed his spear to the south. "As we agreed, the Emerald Plains are yours, from the Eastern Everflow to the Westerly Easy Sea. The territory is yours, effective immediately, and the Zebra Kingdom border now begins at the beginning of the Jade Plain."
Their eyes lit up with the news. Equestria's territory just expanded by several MILLION acres. Land, fertile, green land was theirs. It would take months to establish a solid settlement, weeks alone to properly survey the land and locate the best locations for towns, cities and roads. Families of farmers, builders, workers, researchers and artists would all be recruited to join the effort in expanding the kingdom. An entirely new frontier. It would all be theirs.
"What are we waiting for? Let's go see it! C'mon, right now!" Dan shouted, running into the forest.
"Other way, Dan, south!" Spike shouted. He turned right back around and ran past them.
Zen Zeal approached the large crater where the huts had stood. He picked up a hoof-full of ashy dirt and let it slip loose. He inhaled and exhaled, eyes looking out over the destruction.
The others went off to catch up with Dan, but Twilight remained behind. Ever the diplomat.
"Thank you for... your help," Twilight said, always cautious with her words.
"You're welcome."
"Is there um, any help you can give me?"
Zeal said nothing for a short moment. He rubbed the scorched mark with his hoof, then picked his shield and spear from where he'd stuck them in the ground.
"Your dark and light chi are intertwined. Your body is not used to drawing from both sources. Sit."
"Uhm, but it's kind of-"
"Sit!"
She did as she was told. Zeal continued standing.
"Perhaps there is something I can teach you that your princesses cannot," Zeal said. "Luna trained you to harness darkness, yes? And Celestia and your school teachers the light."
"Y-yes," Twilight admitted. Basic magic spells drew on positivity, therefore considered "light magic." As could be expected, it was easier to control, was more easily defined but also required more focus and discipline. Dark magic was considered by many cultures to be taboo, and was dangerous because it obeyed the laws of physics and established knowledge even less. It was easier to use once properly drawn upon, and required less focus to make more potent spells but was also dangerous. It drew on negativity wherever it could find it, so while light required constant management to power it, darkness required constant management to prevent it from becoming too powerful.
A proper magical spell drew from a source, such as a positive feeling of emotion shaped by a complex thought, and willed into existence by natural magical energy. The process by which all three were linked was called channeling. Dark magic came from darker channels, and they did not tend to be isolated; one negative source fed on another. Creating multiple spells simultaneously and amplifying them was easier with dark magic, but control and focus were easier with the light.
"Focus on combining them," Zeal said.
Twilight's eyes shot open. "Wut."
"Eyes closed!" He bapped her. "You are lucky this isn't wartime. Yet. I am less forgiving to my students during wartime. You'll get no pits from me today, though."
Twilight rubbed her nose, not sure what he meant. "O-okay."
"There is positivity and negativity in all things. Light and darkness. They are elemental, and as such a component of all things. Light..." He reached down, brushed the ash off some of the dirt, Underneath, miraculously, green grass, still alive somehow. "And shadow."
Twilight could sense the life energy; she didn't need to see it. And she felt it everywhere. Zen Zeal was mostly dark energy to her, anger and lust for battle. A craving coursed through him to see his enemies under his hooves, spear and banner held high as fires burned around them. He was very nearly consumed by the desire for total destruction, just the dream of seeing kingdoms fall before him and nothing else. But... there was light, too. Laughs had from friends, mostly fellow soldiers. Even the kindess of Zecora was there, beneath it all.
She saw a vision of Zecora, perhaps a recent one, of putting notches in his spear. Perhaps their marriage was not so loveless after all. In that vision, she saw peace, unbelievable as it was. War and peace, not opposites but one in the same, going on at the same time. The vision shifted to the symbol of the Tao, the great swirls of black and white, spinning, spinning, spinning.
"Focus on a thought. A single idea."
"I already am."
"Everything contains light and darkness. In it, there is balance. In it, there is life. In it, there is magic. Draw from it, all of it, the positive and negative, draw as much as you can, but only as much as you need."
"But-"
"No!" Zen interrupted. "Contradictions are necessary. Focus it all, but not too much. As much as you possibly can, but not so much that you lose focus. Feel both. Let them flow."
"I-" She could feel it. It was even more potent than dark magic, something overwhelming but also balanced. It carried her like a song, flowing into her body and up to her horn. Should she control it or let herself go to it? What did she do next- harness, or embrace? Let it have the reins or take them herself?
"Hold. Hold."
"I... I..." She didn't realize she was no longer standing. Her horn was glowing purple but a glowing ring appeared around it, a ring of light and darkness. A glowing, gray halo of energy wrapped in dark, nearly black static shimmered above her horn. This was a spell that used both types of energy, combined light and darkness. Now, she just needed something to do with it.
"Wh-what... what doooooo... do I do nowwwww?" The magic was taking all of her energy just to focus and maintain.
"Perhaps something constructive?"
"I... I..." She couldn't hold it any longer. The humming, the song, the sensation, the energy, all too much. At the last second, she thought of rebuilding Zen's training camp. And the halo exploded.
When she opened her eyes again, it took a moment for sight to return to her. Light, color, her senses returned to her slowly. Zen Zeal stood in front of her, spear in hoof, smiling.
"As powerful as they say. You learn quickly."
She panted. "Th... thanks." She looked around. "But... nothing happened."
"Give it a minute." Zen turned around again. At first, it seemed like nothing, but then, the crater rose from the ground. Zen Zeal's training camp returned, the huts popping into existence again, the fences, the shooting range, the target dummies, the barracks, the armory and even a gelato stand that hadn't been there before. Well, technically it was a frozen yogurt stand, but this was her first attempt.
"I must now see to the training of my own warriors," Zen said. "Enjoy your new lands."
"Did... did one spell do all this? I barely... I barely used any energy." Despite the physical and mental exhaustion, her magical energy was still at peak. She wasn't drained at all, at least not magically like when she used the other forms of magic.
"Once you are properly conditioned, you will be able to use all types of magic in any way you see fit. The only limits you set will be the ones you set yourself," Zen said. "Those are the most important of all, and not lightly treaded upon. You should be able to better control your dark form now. But, I'll have Zecora send some relaxation potions in the mail. That'll help, too. Also, tea."
"I... I see. Thank you," she said. Fused light and dark magic, which went by many names, was among the most potent and dangerous magics that could be performed. Starswirl himself rarely dabbled in them, and wrote that the fusion of light and dark was second only to harmony magic, the magic of friendship itself in terms of power and potency. Harmonious magic was said to only come from the Fausticorn herself, only usable by those who bear her elements. Nothing could stand against it, so it was pretty OP.
"Before you go, a final word of caution. Some losing battles must be fought, Twilight Sparkle, no matter how costly. You and your friends are clever minds, the second time I've faced such opponents. And the second time I've lost." He turned to her, standing. "I lost my faith the first time. Facing Dan those months ago, I found faith again. So the land is a gift. Use it well."
"I will. We will. Thank you." Twilight walked away to join her friends. Zen turned to summon his armies, eager to begin their rigorous training.
There was a finality in the way Zen Zeal had said, "some losing battles must be fought." Did he see the future? Did he see them lose? The zebras had been fighting the mountain goats for decades, mostly winning. The goats were stubborn and isolationist, and their culture revolved around visions of the future.
What had the zebras been doing since they returned home, only to find everything reset? Would they be angry? Would they lash out at their neighbors, the goat folks? They hadn't been invited to the summit in Trottingham... Trottingham, which hadn't changed virtually at all in years. And then he comes to her...
Twilight galloped ahead to catch up with her friends.
"This jungle is actually a lot easier to traverse than the Everfree Forest."
"It's traversed more frequently. By zebras," Spike said. It was nearly impossible to tell, but nearly every part of the Jade Jungle was patrolled by zebras. It was rumored there were also colonies of deer in the dense jungle, along with other societies of creatures, but only the zebras knew. Zebropolis, the city of gold that was ACTUALLY an entire city made of gold instead of just being like a big temple or some other bullshit, lay deeper in the jungle to the north.
Once they crossed the Jade Plains, they would reach their new land, the Emerald Plains.
"Dan is happy about this," Chrys said. She could tell in more ways than one; girlfriend, changeling, living being able to recognize joy. It was nice to see and feel him being so happy. Maybe a little too happy.
"Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"You wanna go ahead and keep an eye on Dan? Make sure he doesn't get too far ahead of us?"
"I'm guessing you want me to hop on his shoulders and keep pointing him in the right direction. Yeah, I got it," Spike said, jogging ahead to catch Dan before he ran into something. He'd just gotten lessons on awareness, but his enthusiasm was threatening to get the better of him now.
"Thanks, Spike."
It was just Phoenix and Chrys alone, then. They walked slowly, somewhere between Dan in front and Twilight behind them.
"I take it you wanted to ask me something?"
Chrys sighed. She knelt to duck under a branch. "I dunno, Nick. Things just keep changing, then going back to the way they were just to change again. It's hard to make sense of it all."
"I know. Believe me, I know," he said. As they often did, his thoughts went to Mia. "Just because things change doesn't mean what happened before doesn't matter. We build upon it. One thing leads to another."
"I guess... but that's the past."
"I don't understand."
She looked back at him. "I mean, is it destiny that things keep being repeated? Or is something wrong? If Marksaline said that a universe is a song, does this mean we're a broken record?"
"I, uh... woo, I don't know about that one," Phoenix said. He stepped over the same root she did, Chrys held back a large fern until he passed. Clearly, she waited on him for an answer.
"I think we have... something good going on right now. I think we should keep it. That's all, really."
"What do you think our future is?"
"I don't know," he shrugged.
So she thought. "What do you think our future should be?"
"I..." Had any of them really thought about it? Well, Dan had, obviously. And he told them.
"You should open a law office here," Dan said. Spike was sitting on his shoulders, head covered in ferns. "I'm going to keep designing security features, plans. Implements. I'm writing a guide already."
"You're writing a security guide?"
Dan nodded. "Not my first, actually but a new one. You know... with new stuff."
"That's a nice idea, Dan," Chrys said. "I think that's a good plan."
"Yes..." Phoenix said, thinking. "Not just for Equestria, but for Earth."
"Yeah," they all agreed. In truth, they had all had the same idea. "And Nick, you could write a guide about law in Equestria."
Phoenix rubbed his neck. "I, uh, I don't really write."
"Huh. Phoenix doesn't write."
"Well, I make notes or lists or something but I'm not- I'm more of a speaker, you know?"
"No. Nothing you're saying is making sense right now. Let's go see where I'm going to build a castle."
"Castle?" Chrys's eyes lit up. "With um-um, lots of rooms?"
"I doubt he's talking about building a hive, Chrys."
"Shuddup! Shuddup, you don't know. You don't know that, Nick." Chrys' maternal changeling instincts were kicking in. With a proper mate acquired, her biological clock now directed her towards the production of offspring, meaning hive. A proper changeling hive, above ground this time, with plenty of rooms for the first few million eggs. Human and changeling DNA, like human and Equestrian DNA, or pony and dragon for that matter, was biologically incompatible, but there were not completely incompatible. Where nature failed, science could provide.
They reached the Emerald Plains. There wasn't much to see, but that was a bit of a relief. There was no sabotage, the water was clean, the grass was green and healthy. Zen Zeal was a general of his word; no trickery or deception, just fertile land that stretched out from east to west, form mountain to river and rolled up and down and swept across and out to the horizon. Land. A new frontier to build a new addition to the Kingdom of Equestria.
They camped for a couple of days in the Emerald Plains. Few creatures ventured near them; the occasional birds flew overhead, some animals ventured out of the jungles but all was peaceful for the moment. Eventually, they flew back to Equestria, back to the Golden Oaks Library.
The return to Equestria was swift. Fluffle and Fuzzle were happy to see them, as were their fuzzy children. Leaving them with only a single pallet of ham while they were gone was a bit of a risk, as they might've started eating the furniture if they ran out of food. Thankfully, the Golden Oakes Library was intact upon their return.
They spent a quiet night together before they woke up the next day.
"So when is Celestia's speech?"
"Noon," Twilight answered. "The meeting is directly after. We're required to attend, and Shining and Princess Cadence are going to be there."
"And Discord," Spike reminded them.
"Great. I'm sure he'll have a few suggestions for the present crisis," Dan said, smiling. "Probably won't be using any, but maybe we could get a guest spot on his t.v show."
"You're really not worried about this at all, are you?" Spike asked.
Dan shrugged, gave a half-smirk. "I've been broke for most of my life, remember? And I mean penniless broke. The IRS STILL sent people to collect money from me. Had to send them packing several times, especially the one that moved in next door to me."
"Okay... what's the eye-are-ess?" Spike asked.
"Pure, unadulterated evil. The most concentrated, malevolent force known to man, an organization of devious maniacs-"
"It stands for the Internal Revenue Service. It's the financial management of the United States government handling taxes, tax credits, auditing and income for U.S. citizens," Phoenix explained.
"Taxation doesn't seem to be an issue," Twilight said. "Well... actually, I'm not entirely sure. We'll have to wait to talk to the princess in Canterlot."
"Does she already know about the land?" Phoenix asked. "I mean, our uh, new treaty deal with the Zebra Nation?"
Twilight nodded. "I sent her a letter with the details. She and Luna sent one back saying they... approve of the decision, despite our hasty and unorthodox methods. I left the part out where it was yours and Chrys' idea."
Phoenix and Chrys both smiled and said, "Thaaaaaaanks."
"Right, let's off to Canterlot! We'll take the Twilicopter 10.Dan!"
"You made ANOTHER helicopter in the shape of my head?" Twilight asked.
Dan grinned. "Not exactly." He left that thought lingering in their minds and headed outside.
And outside, landing right in front of the library was the Twilicopter 10.Dan. Which in actuality was just the Twilicopter painted black and Dan's JERK logo on its tail. Dan was very proud of his modifications, as he was with most things he did great and small, but at that moment, something else was catching his friends' attention.
"What's going on?" "This doesn't look good."
They all walked past Dan, past the triumphant, new attack helicopter landing and to the crowd of ponies beyond.
"I had to time this entrance PERFECTLY and... okay, wait, I'm coming!"
Crowds of ponies filled the streets. Or rather, one crowd of ponies, as the street was so packed they couldn't really see any. Pegasi hovered above, all looking in the same direction, some looking worried.
The crowd suddenly parted as a rather large mare strode through. Tangy Top, owner of Tangy Top's Sweet Stop and Shop shops walked through, sobbing.
Twilight decided to stop her. "Um, ma'am, I'm very sorry, but could you tell us what's wrong?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Very sorry, your highness," Tangy said in a slight southern accent. The young unicorn was a bright pink-coated mare, had a green mane and was the proud owner of the largest candy and confectionary stores in Equestria, including Sugar Cube Corner's supplier. She was also one of the largest and heftiest mares in Equestria, with several ponies having to make way for just her large sides, and then large caboose to pass. Her mane was topped in an elaborate bejeweled green bun with neon-green highlights, complimented by shimmering, bejeweled hoop earrings. She was rumored to be related to Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Rice Puddinghead.
"It's alright," Twilight said. In the back of her mind, she was praying Dan didn't make any fat jokes. Surprisingly, he didn't.
Mrs. Top pulled out a tiny handkerchief from her tiny purse and dried her eyes. "My gracious, the bank's lost all our accounts. All of our savings, our money, gone. They said they've just lost all our records, for all these years! Why, I never heard of such a thing, it's a disaster, sweethearts. A disaster." Her accent, as with the rest of her, was a combination of urban and rural Equestrian styles, a little city and a little country.
"I'm so very sorry," Chrys said. "I'm sure we'll figure this out."
The large mare pulled out a tiny fan with her plump hoof and fanned herself. "I don't know how we're gonna get through this. I'm having to put up almost everything I own as collateral just to keep everypony on payroll. Heavens me, when I think of all those families..."
Dan tugged his collar. He was noticing several other ponies offering her said condolences with their eyes. She was a very big girl, and as such was taking up a good portion of the street and the attention.
"This isn't good, Nicky."
"I know. Sugar Cube Corner's closed. And that's the biggest candy magnate in Equestria."
"In more ways than a ton," Dan said under his breath. Drew a slight glare from Phoenix. "Yeah, low-hanging fruit, I know. Seriously though, sad, mopey faces can turn angry real quick. And they're probably going to get angry at the ponies in charge... and us, too."
"I can't really blame them. Mass layoffs means there's going to be a lot of families wondering how they're going to get their next paycheck, next meal, next everything," Phoenix said. He looked around at the ponies. Concern was giving way to despair, meaning the process towards anger and probably riots was already happening. They needed answers, they needed a solution and they needed both now.
In fact, they may have needed it more than now.
"What does Celestia have to say about this?" "What happened to the treasury?" "Is my business gonna be- hey, I just wanna know-"
Calm voices, for now. Rational minds, cool heads, were asking the questions. But it was a lot of them and they were all being directed at Twilight. At Princess Twilight Sparkle. Even if the closest ponies were being calm, the sheer number of them and close proximity was creating social friction. Friction caused heat, heat built; ponies were beginning to crowd around her instead of the bank. As they had parted for the large magnate, they now closed in around the small(er) princess.
And unfortunately, this wasn't a good time. Her eyes started glowing purple, her mane started getting hazy, and her teeth started sprouting into fangs. Twilight's dark magic form, still difficult for her to control, was threatening to be unleashed.
"I-I'm worried, t-too, yes- your jobs are ALL important to me. To us. And your businesses, too! Of course, I don't mean-" Twilight stammered, backing up.
"Is there gonna be an extension for tax filing this year?" "Extension? Taxes should just be forgiven this year!" "I lost three of my horseshoes, but I still have the first one so I think we can use it to find the others if we try. Who's with me?" "Does this guy work at the bank? Because that might explain a few things." "I like spaghetti."
The crowd of ponies may not have noticed, but Dan and friends did.
"Nicky." "Dan." "Spike." "Chrys." "Phoenix." "Chrys." "Spike." "Nicky." "Dan." They all nodded.
"Break it up, everypony, break it up!" "Sparkle Guard, back it off!"
Crowd control was another thing Dan had trained them all in. They sprung into action, shoving, pushing and clearing out the ponies with arms and hooves spread wide. They cleared the street and broke up the crowd faster than Tangy Top's girth had, and giving Twilight plenty of space in the process.
Twilight inhaled, exhaled, did her best to calm herself. Breathe normally, count to ten. Darkness is a part of life, just like everything else. It was always a dangerous part, like a sharp tool or a weapon. Very useful, but requiring care and discipline to use properly.
Look at them all. They haven't changed a bit. Just the same goofy, gullible bumpkins they were when I first arrived. When we first arrived.
"There is no "we."
Isn't there? C'mon, we're getting our own kingdom soon. We're going to be picking and choosing which ponies join us to create a new city. Sure, I might be your 'darker' side, but really, you might as well call me pragmatic. The cute, quaint countryfolk ponies aren't going to be helpful and why even ask? I mean, maybe AJ and her family of course, but the rest probably won't even want to move.
"Well... okay, maybe you do have SOME... good points."
Really, is it that hard to admit? We're smart. You're smart. And with my power, we'll be unstoppable. Didn't you want to team up? Let me drive a little bit.
"I... I don't know."
Every fact from every book, every spell, more accessible than ever. Every point you've ever been to, every pony you've ever spoken to, every word they've ever said. All connected. And dark magic can reach it faster.
"I... I..."
Give in a little.
"Twilight? Hey, Twilight?"
No... no, I- um, maybe. I-
Just for a little while. I'll give it back shortly.
"I... I don't..."
Give me control. Give. Me. Control.
"I..."
"Twilight!"
Fine. Be that way.
Twilight's eyes shot open. A moment later, the purple haze of twilight, her own magic, lifted. For a brief moment, she was able to see detail in everything, like seeing a violet-purple x-ray of the world. Her magic was indeed powerful, and like herself, based around knowledge. The veil of twilight displayed the connection and flow of all things, predictions, outcomes, the sway caused by thoughts and emotions. It was a lot to analyze at once, but the nature of dark magic made it possible. Reality bent, making her brain like a supercomputer.
And just like that, it was over. "I... what am I doing? What happened?"
"You were talking to yourself again," Spike said. "And it... sounded like..."
"It sounded like you were arguing," Chrys said, her voice sounding as concerned as Spike.
She looked around. "What happened to the crowd?"
"Dan... very politely convinced them all to leave," Chrys said.
"What REALLY happened to the crowd?"
"Half a second after you started getting uh, overwhelmed, Dan got in the helicopter and flew it at the crowd. No one was hurt, thankfully."
"Ah," Twilight nodded. "So where's Dan now?"
Phoenix looked over his shoulder. Behind him, the Happy Ponyville Savings and Loan bank had a new fixture in its roof. That fixture being the Twilicopter 10.Dan.
The door to the bank opened, out stepped Dan, and the human marched towards them, no worse for ware. He stopped short of Twilight.
"How do you feel, Dan?"
"Well, I'm a little disappointed. I did not compensate for the drag that a vestigial face would produce when incorporated into the cockpit of a helicopter. All in all, things could've gone better. We're taking the train now, aren't we?"
Twilight nodded. "I think so, yes. And I think we're going to have to take Tangy Top's train," she said, turning as she did so.
"Wait, that massive mare has her own train? Well... okay, actually, that makes sense." Being one of the largest mares in Equestria, and being rich, came with a few perks. Tangy Top had her own company train that, like her, was substantially larger and considerably wider than other trains in Equestria. Dan took notice of this when they arrived at the train station.
"Fat pony, fat train. I guess I should've been expecting that."
"Her weight is a status symbol, Dan," Spike said.
"It's a symbol of diabeetus."
"She's even a fashion model."
"At the Miss Beetus Beauty Pageant."
"Will you shut up?" The dragon was known to browse mare fashion magazines, that was no secret. While he did have a preference towards a certain significantly thinner mare, he could admire the curves and stature of one who carried herself with such confidence.
They took the train to Canterlot. Despite Dan making the occasional weight-based comment every now and then, the trip was probably the most uneventful they had from Ponyville to the capitol. If any of said comments reached Miss Top's ear, it did not affect her in the slightest.
"I'm uh, sorry if Dan-"
Tangy raised her hoof to stop Twilight from talking. "Honey, this train has twenty-five other cities to visit today. Every mare in mah family's been big right down the line from Cotton Candy Top herself. Y'all got bigger problems to worry about and... actually, I find your friend kinda cute."
"I... uh, well-"
She shrugged, a gesture that moved the train slightly. "He vents his own way. Me, I prefer some nice music. Or a buffet. And this train has both. Stay safe, sugar!" As the massive mare turned, shifting the entire train car in the process, Twilight noticed something imprinted in her colossal flank. Actually, it was another pony.
The doors closed in front of her. "Uh- um, excuse me? There's-" The train already started chugging away. The side window of the car rolled by, showing a clear view of the pony helplessly smushed into the mare's titanic backside.
"I like spaghetti."
Twilight's mouth hung open as she watched the train leave.
Dan and Chrys stepped off the train just as it departed.
"So, um... I take it you like thin girls... Dan?"
Dan grinned. "Chryssie, I just like you. I just find it hard to believe sometimes that people aren't tightening their belts in the midst of this crisis. Figuratively, financially and literally."
"Fair enough," Spike said. He did have a bit of a taste for finer things, but he also understood pragmatism.
"We have some time to kill before the speech," Phoenix said. "Wanna get something to eat?"
"Sure," Dan said. "Something expensive." That comment drew a couple looks. "It may be our last time for a while, so might as well enjoy it. And that, too, is pragmatism."
It was hot that late morning, as the sun rose high and noon approached. A crowd of spectator ponies assembled at the castle gates, flooding the courtyard. Guards stood at attention, keeping guests orderly and mostly keeping them off the grass. Dan and friends were not among the ponies in the courtyard, no; as royalty and guards themselves, they were admitted inside Canterlot Castle itself.
"They redecorate here recently?" Dan asked. Then he thought. "Oh wait... was this un-decorated, I mean?"
"The reset," Twilight said. "It changed the castle back to how it was three years ago."
"Just like everything else," Spike added.
"Almost everything," Phoenix corrected.
A pair of royal guards galloped down the corridor. The thundering sound of their hooves drew Dan and others' attention even before they were half way down the hall.
"What's the rush- hey!"
"Dan! Uh-uhm, sorry sir. Captain."
"Where's Al and Stoney?"
The guards both looked disheveled. "Personal day, sir. I'm Fortify Forte and this-"
Dan interrupted the French mare. "Fy, it's Dan. We met after the wedding? Also, hi Bolster."
"Hi."
"I, uh... I didn't think you'd remember me," Fortify said. "Us." She was a built mare, as were all the royal guards. They were recruited tough and trained tougher.
"I do. I also remember that the captain of the guard and the praetorians do NOT TAKE PERSONAL DAYS. At least, not during public events," Dan said.
The guards shrugged. "Al- Captain Aegis and Marshall Stonewall have been out since we returned. Sir."
"So who's in charge?" Dan asked. "Please tell me you put somepony smarter than Bulwark and Bastion in charge."
"Would... would you mind helping?" Fortify asked. "Sir?"
Dan rolled his eyes. "Fine. The Sparkle Guard will assist the Solar Guard during the princesses' royal address." He turned back to Chrys, Phoenix and Spike. "Chrys, disguise yourself as a guest. Get an ear on some conversations, listen for anything suspicious."
"Aye, Dan."
"Nicky, watch the crowds, gates, entry and exit points, any place that can be used to our disadvantage."
"Got it," Phoenix said.
"Spike, I need guard rotation schedules, names, patrols- get me the info."
"Will do, Dan."
Finally, he turned to Twilight. "As for you and me-"
"Actually," Bolster, a sky-blue backup earth pony guardsman piped up, "the princess has requested you both join her. On stage for the address."
Dan and Twilight exchanged puzzled looks.
"I'm sorry but I haven't been provided any further details."
Dan folded his arms. "Well, this changes a bit. And now we have to go get changed." He turned around. "Alright, then, let's get it done. First, can you go find Nicky for me?"
"Who?"
"He means Phoenix," Twilight said.
"Ah, no problem." The two guards trotted off to fetch Phoenix. Didn't take them long, as he had just entered the courtyard.
"What's going on?"
"Change of plans, Nicky. You're in charge of security."
"I-" Phoenix stopped. "Wait, really?"
Dan nodded, patted his friend on the shoulder. "I know you're up for it. Make me proud."
Phoenix rubbed his neck. "I... I don't know what to say."
"Try 'thank you' and then nothing else," Dan said.
"Thank you."
"Welcome, now get out there."
"Y-yeah, thanks uh... I'll see you when we're done?"
"GET GOING!"
"Right, uh- good luck to you too, guys! Both of you!" Phoenix said, breaking into a sprint as he ran outside. Not the first time he'd been given a big responsibility by Dan, but definitely a milestone for him. Security was something Dan took very, very seriously and there were very few people he trusted with such tasks. He didn't even trust himself. Oddly, he did trust Mr. Mumbles, Chrys, Twilight and Chris, despite multiple instances of Chris fouling up.
Phoenix, however, had no intention of making any blunders. He knew what to do, he knew what the event would entail, this was a cinch. He would make Dan proud, as would the rest of his friends.
Princess Celestia took the podium quickly. Fur of her praetorian guards flanked the sides of her at the courtyard stage, two on each side. Two regular guards, Fortify Forte and Bolster were on the edge of each side. This was actually a major precedent broken; the princesses were always accompanied by no less than six throne guards during official business, the elite guards. With two of them out on personal leave, a pair of standard guards were filling in. That, too, was a major precedent broken.
"Citizens of Equestria," Princess Celestia quickly began, "I will be brief."
"That's a first," Dan said, loud enough for everyone on stage to hear. Twilight glared at him, and he shut his trap.
"We have endured much. The upheaval of our kingdom, the attacks on our sovereignty, the destruction and reconstruction of our entire world, some of the most difficult trials in our history... and we have overcome them. But, for all our success, our struggles are not over. Life at last is returning to a semblance of normal, harmony at last returning. Now, our latest obstacle lies not with our kingdom's safety, but with our nation's economy."
As Celestia spoke, Dan kept an eye on the crowd. Phoenix was doing good; he, Chrys, several guard team leaders were posted at critical points around the courtyard. Couple pegasi were keeping watch overhead, discreetly. Phoenix stood off to the side, equidistant between the gates to the courtyard and the castle entrance. His natural height gave him a bit more elevation, which he used to keep an eye on everything without appearing to keep an eye on everything. He could've just been a guy leaning on the wall, still part of the crowd.
Good. Very good. Dan nodded his approval. Everything was going off without a hitch.
"Our nation's wealth has been severely depleted. We've returned to Equestria to find our finances, our records, our very livelihood and investments have vanished in many instances. The royal treasury is empty, and our kingdom's coffers are bare. We know that many of you have been affected by this catastrophe as well, and that the riches of the crown pale in comparison to the savings of even a single family. We are deeply sorry for this, and we are working hard to fix this problem."
The crowd was mostly silent. Concerned faces, yes, like those in Ponyville but they hung on the princess's every word. This was a good experience for Twilight; she sometimes lacked confidence. Celestia spoke with a natural charisma, one whose burden of leadership was evident in more than one.
"Despite these challenges, we have faith that we can overcome them. We are instituting immediate and major emergency measures in order to stabilize the kingdom while we work hard on this crisis. We do this with a heavy heart, and we understand the apprehension, the concern and the fear that comes from such decisions. We, your royal family, will provide constant updates as we work with community leaders to restore our kingdom's economy. In the meantime, steps must be taken at once to preserve the kingdom's vital infrastructure."
Now, the crowd was dead silent. If there was even an occasional whisper before, it was quiet enough to hear a pin drop now. The air was still, the world seemed to stop.
"Some of these measures have already taken effect," Celestia said. "And despite the crisis, many of you are continuing to work hard to keep our nation working. We salute these brave souls who continue on. It is your bravery, your tenacity that are responsible for keeping our kingdom alive during these difficult times. It is thanks to you that we have peace in the present, it is thanks to you that we have a future."
And then, the crowd began to part ways. Dan squinted to see who it was. Phoenix saw the new arrivals first, and he immediately began tugging his collar nervously. He slowly looked over to Dan, who only looked back puzzled.
"Today, we would like to honor some of these intrepid members of our society. Those who keep our fire burning, no matter the cost."
The Ghostbusters walked through the crowd and onto the stage. Dan nearly felt his heart stop.
The CMC, plus three humans. Not just humans, but superheroes, including Spider-Man. The other two humans happened to be Static Shock and Gear, both of which Dan recognized immediately from comics.
"What... in the actual..."
The superheroes, however, did not follow the CMC on stage. The four fillies(Babs is one of the CMC), dressed as Ghostbusters walked up to Celestia while the trio of weekday afternoon heroes stood amid the crowd.
"Backpack, start recording."
"Richie, you don't need to record this."
"What? We're gonna upload this to the website."
"That thing makes too much noise, just turn it off."
"Backpack doesn't make that much noise. Do you, buddy?" Gear's backpack beeped a series of chimes in response, decipherable only by Gear.
"The only things making noise right now is you two. And me. But seriously, shut it, both of you," Spidey said. For two superheroes that were supposed to be partners, they did their share of bickering.
"The Cutie Mark... Ghostbusters," Celestia said, "exemplify the hardworking spirit of Equestria, the drive to keep harmony alive that is so valuable. Even without payment, but with our heartfelt thanks, the Ghostbusters have continued to keep Equestria safe from paranormal threats."
"We won't say "no" to a free meal, though!" Babs Seed added. That made the crowd laugh. Dan wanted to vomit.
"Indeed. And while we don't have any medals to award you at the moment, we do have something special to give you," Celestia said. She unfurled a long piece of parchment. "An exclusive contract with the Kingdom of Equestria, to operate throughout our borders as the official spectral defense force of harmony!"
Applause. Lots of applause. Cheers. Dan's stomach doing backflips. His friends, noticing. All this took place at exactly the same time, in the same moments.
All four fillies bowed. "Your highness, on behalf of... well, ourselves, we gladly accept!" Applebloom announced. They signed the contract. Dan ran back into the castle and began throwing up into a nearby vase.
Yes, while Dan and his friends met space heroes, the Cutie Mark Crusaders got to meet superheroes. In Dan's mind, it was an upgrade. Probably didn't help the fact that in the Crystal Empire, Shining and Cadence got to go on adventures with James Bond, Solid Snake and Sam Fisher. The donkeys, however, mostly got Speed Racer, Sonic the Hedgehog and the Roadrunner. Geographic location had something to do with crossover events.
To be fair, Shining and Cadence were more fans of space sci-fi, being trekkies, so they were a bit envious of Dan. In their case, they weren't allowed to tell other ponies about fighting a resurgent SPECTRE and a reconstituted Cipher, so it did even out somewhat.
"Finally, we have another important person to recognize," Celestia said. She turned to see Dan was gone. Confused, Fortify, Twilight and Bolster went in after him and dragged the human out again. "For his... for his incredible contributions to Equestria, without which we would not be standing here today"
Feeling a bit lightheaded, Dan struggled to stand. His legs felt like jello; Twilight and the other two guards had to hold him up by his shoulders.
"Why... why is Static... Static Shock here... I don't...."
"Dan, snap out of it," Twilight whispered.
"What? I'm... I'm fine," he shook his head. "Oh. Uh, sorry. Continue," he clasped his hands behind his back, trying to look formal again.
"Dan," Celestia knelt down so her head was at his level. "Thank you. For all you've done for us." She now spoke directly to him, not as a formal address but pony to person. One individual talking to another. "I know things haven't been easy for you. You've endured so much. You didn't have to hold onto our values. You didn't have to be our friends. You didn't have to defend our kingdom at all. But you did. And you did so much more."
She turned back to the podium. Whatever Dan was feeling before was gone. Now, he was happy. He was just happy to be there.
"Dan defended Equestria with honor against some of its most devious and dangerous foes. This planet, our civilization, we owe him our very lives. And our homes. And everything else we have. For this, we cannot begin to to honor him enough, whose actions have gone far beyond any measure of any citizen... of anyone on this planet before. But, we can make sure that he always has a place here."
Celestia's secretary approached from the side. She presented to her a small, wooden box and opened it. Celestia withdrew its only contents, levitating it up for all to see.
"A branch from the Tree of True Harmony. Since the beginning of our history, the Tree of Harmony has served as the foundation for the Elements of Harmony, representing the core of our kingdom and its subjects. We honor you, Dan, who has supported us through these difficult times with this symbol of Equestria. You are now officially a noble of the Equestrian Royal Family, for now and forever!"
Twilight's voice: Change is a part of life. The world changes, whether we want it to or not, and not all changes are pleasant ones. It's not that change itself is necessary, simply that it is inevitable. It can be a difficult fact to accept, but the fact remains- things change. Everything does.
Everfree Forest, Eastern Glade
"So are we gonna hunt for something or what?"
Team Rocket, or what was left of the criminal organization on Equestria set up a makeshift camp near the edge of the Everfree Forest. A few tents, a few scavenged crates of supplies and some shipping containers were all they had for the several-dozen black-clad crooks. They were on their own, but surviving. There were a variety of ways they could make it back to their own dimension, including through mirrors, concentrated magic pools, books and spells. Things were rough for them, but they had hope, hope to continue and possibly profit from their criminal activities.
Then, the Enclave landed. Pegasi, now loyal to Dan and operating under his direct orders, assembled on a hill in the clearing. Some landed, some remained airborne, continually flying around the area in scanning patterns.
"Boss? Hey, who's the admin?"
The acting admin straightened his black shirt, unwrinkled the R on it and fixed his hat.
"I'll handle this." The admin approached the armored ponies. He didn't know it, but Captain Springer was leading them. "Um, excuse me, my friends and I are a bit lost. We're part of-"
The Enclave ponies said nothing. They lowered their weapons. The hum of the plasma projectors, the spinning of minigun rotors began filling the air along with the scent of ozone.
"Hey- hey now, you don't have t-"
Luna's voice: This place is our home. We have a right, a duty to protect our kingdom and its magic. We've paid a heavy price for our negligence in the past. We've learned our lesson, however. We will not be caught off-guard again.
The Badlands, Southern Equestria
The freight train kicked up billowing clouds of sand as it raced north from New Troy. Faster than trains usually traveled from Donquestria, it drew a lot of attention. It especially drew the attention of a group of thieves who, after seeing so many trains leave from the south recently, were beginning to get curious.
"Alright, this one look good?" The first bandit said, handing the binoculars to his comrade next to him.
The second bandit peered through the binoculars. "Yeah, looks perfect. We can hit it before it even gets to Appleloosa." He handed the binoculars to the third bandit.
The third bandit, a griffon, squinted as she looked through the binoculars. "What do you think they have on there? Guns? Armor? Artifacts?" She handed the binoculars to the fourth bandit.
"All of the above." It wasn't the voice of the fourth bandit that said that. When the other three turned to face her, they saw a fully-armed and armored Captain Springer standing where the fourth bandit had been. The first bandit was about to ask who she was, the second would've asked where their friend was, and the third was wondering what she was doing with her high-powered assault weapons. Captain Springer answered before they had a chance..
Celestia: A lot has changed. But so much remains the same. We still believe in the magic of friendship, the Elements of Harmony, and in each other. They are the very pillars of our civilization. It's more important than ever to remember them, through the difficult times, lest we lose our way. We must remember what is important. And we must protect it.
Foggy Bottom Bog Imperial research outpost
The Imperial researchers at the swamp outpost were not conducting illegal research. But they were conducting research and they hadn't asked for permission to be there. The Empire was powerful, it did what it wanted. It answered to only one authority: its own. That's the way it had been. Until now.
One of the assistant researchers exited the lab, more focused on his datapad than the surroundings. Not exactly the safest practice knowing how dangerous the bog was.
He tapped the datapad, sending the regular messages to his superiors over the Holonet. The shadow of something cast over the datapad, forcing him to squint at the screen. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough, as shadows began to grow all around him, blocking out too much light.
The researcher looked up to see the squad of pegasi overhead. He didn't have a chance to run.
The datapad landed face-down in the swamp and slowly sunk to the bottom.
Rice: The problem with progress is knowing what to keep and what to change. Holding on to what is important becomes more and more difficult as time marches on. Yet, some things endure, some things are timeless, both virtues and problems. The hardest part is knowing which is which. Sometimes, the answer only becomes clear when you've lost it. When it's already happened.
Manehattan, Future Integrations Stable-Tec headquarters Main lobby
"By order of the princess, you are all under arrest! Do not attempt to resist!"
"Sparkle Guard!" one of the technicians yelled. It was clear they were going to resist. They were going to attempt resisting, anayway.
Armored pegasi swept the building. Gunfire, laser fire, plasma fire, until actual fires appeared on all floors. Some of the projects FIST was working on might have been beneficial. Some of the research data might have been useful. Some of the technicians, or the workers or the receptionists might have known something. They might have. Maybe.
The building was demolished. FIST was nationalized by the Kingdom of Equestria, all assets were seized and everything related to the company was taken or destroyed. All those affiliated with the corporation were at the very least detained. But most weren't.
Dan: There's a time and a place for all things. So they say. We may have changed, things may have changed but we still hold on to what's important. We've improved things, improved our methods and our tactics. Who we are is the same, at the core, as it has always been. As it will always be. We're just not going to be pushed around any more.
Equestrian borderlands
Humans, griffons, ponies, a few dragons, mostly ruffians. Their presence no longer tolerated, attempted to flee any way that they could. Some flew, some swam, others simply ran. None escaped.
Twilight: So what do we tell people when this happens? It might be hard, but the best thing to tell them is the truth. Luna: The truth. Celestia: The truth. Rice: The truth. Dan: The truth.
Twilight: Like change, it is inevitable. At some point, you must accept it. At some point, we must all face the truth.
Dan was in shock. The ceremony ended, along with the royal address. Had it been a strategy of Celestia, to do all these impromptu awards to raise morale? If so, it had worked tremendously well. The crowd of ponies had dispersed happily, with hope in their hearts. It could've ended with riots, with blame but instead, everypony was cheerful.
Probably wouldn't last long. Dan knew that.
His friends rushed him, ponies and guards congratulated him but everything was a blur. It was like Dan couldn't feel himself any more. His feet were walking on clouds. It wasn't in a good way, but it also wasn't in a bad way. Like a fog. But as his friends kept talking to him, it cleared.
"Dan? Dan?"
"What? Yeah... yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine..." Dan said, shaking his head. They were in the throne room, but Celestia was standing rather than at her throne. If she was sitting, it would require the guards to be at attention and everything to be much more formal. The throne room was more than just where Celestia delegated; the open space made it easier for message spells to be cast, royal letters to be sent and so forth. The royal offices, adjacent to the throne room, where mostly used for storage of important documents. Only the royal secretary and her aides really visited them. When they weren't in use, the offices were kept dark.
Again, this was because of Luna. Her office, directly connected to Celestia's, was too much of a reminder over her thousand-year banishment for her older sister to handle.
"I do apologize for the haste in which we've conducted your... promotion, Dan," Celestia said. Behind her own throne, she was using the back to affix seals onto several rolls of parchment. Her secretary took each one afterward, stacked it with others and kept them flat. The decrees, signifying Dan's advancement to nobility, would not be rolled, tied or added to anything until the Seal of Night was added to them.
The Royal Seal of Equestria was created by Celestia and Luna, taking wax stamps at the bottom of their horseshoes and overlapping them at the bottom of the parchment. Celestia, with her hooves being slightly larger than her sister's, would intentionally press the stamp lighter on one side so that her seal was no bigger than Luna's. She did this even during her sister's banishment. The secretary had her own seal, a more even symbol of the Flag of Harmony, making it easy to see who approved what.
"Look, I uh, I get it. Actually, I PREFER it this way. I don't exactly have the best track record when it comes to big ceremonies. Unless the track record involves setting those ceremonies on fire. If that's the case, I'm pretty much 0 for... maybe a hundred."
"We don't need to here about how many funerals you've burned down, Dan," Phoenix said.
"Eight and a half!" Dan said with a smile on his face.
"I just sai-"
"Eight and a half, not including those held in the state of Louisiana. Honestly, best Fat Friday I've ever had."
"It's Fat Tuesday," Phoenix corrected.
"Not that week it wasn't." Dan approached the throne, giddy anticipation taking over. "So do I get to boss royal people around now?"
"Like anything's stopped you from doing that before," Spike asked.
As Celestia sealed each document, Twilight read them. As each was passed to the secretary, she read them, meaning she was darting back and forth between the two mares trying to read everything as quickly as possible.
"Nobility used to be tied directly with land ownership in Equestria, but it was changed shortly after the Appleloosa township was established and more ponies were able to buy their own land. So, they changed it to business ownership as well as land, but it can also be applied to those inducted into the royal family through an intermediary," Twilight explained, almost neurotically-quickly.
"Okay," Dan said, pretending he understood. "So who is my intermediary?"
Twilight stopped and shyly looked at him. "Well, that would be, umm... me."
"Oh..." Dan stopped. They all paused for a moment. Dan felt... strange. "Does... wait-wa, does that mean we're related now?"
"You're a noble of the Royal Family of Equestria. It means you now share in the family's estate, its royal duties and responsibilities. Officially, you're a noble of House Sparkle, and can hold the rank of viscount," Celestia said.
"But does that make me Dan Sparkle? Because I-"
"Sir Dan of House Sparkle," Phoenix chimed in. More of a guess, but in this case, he was right.
"That's correct, Phoenix," Celestia said. "Until now, you've been in the court of House Sparkle. Along with her other friends. Court is just a fancier term for entourage in this case. It's also a bit easier to say."
"Ah ha. So who all is in House Sparkle?"
Celestia stamped another document. "Princess Twilight and Spike. And as of... just now, yourself."
Chrys, who had been shyly standing back, picked that moment to step forward. "You know Dan, now that you're a... noble, well, we DO own some new land."
Dan turned back to Celestia. "Is that the reason you're doing this? Because the kingdom has more land now?"
Celestia looked up and over to him. "Well... it DID seem like a good time. But, there's more than one reason why we're picking now to do this. I'm not hiding any of these reasons... but I'm not broadcasting them either."
"So what ARE those reasons?" Chrys asked.
"You're in trouble," Dan said. Celestia stopped mid-stamp and turned to him. "The royal guards. Other ponies... there's a problem with leadership."
"Yes," Celestia said. Before anyone could guess, before there were any awkward pauses, before anyone had a chance to postulate anything else, she admitted to it all. "The guards feel they can no longer keep Equestria safe. They feel... I no longer can. They would never speak of it openly, but well... being one like me, you learn to sense these things."
The "personal days" the guards were taking. The enthusiasm to reinstitute Dan's changes to the town. The admiration everypony seemed to have for Dan. Equestria no longer agreed nor saw eye to eye with its ruler, with Princess Celestia. Dan, as much as a Superman or other Biblical reference as there could be for Equestria, was now regarded with more respect than the princesses themselves, for now at least. A man who seemed to embody nothing of harmony saving it was more than Equestrian traditionalism could tolerate. So, they did the next best thing: incorporate it.
If Celestia's leadership was in question, and if Equestrians now looked to Dan for leadership, that is what she would give them. A thousand years and they never questioned her decisions even once. Not a bad track record. But, there was still a time when stepping aside became necessary. A good leader knew when to step aside and let others lead. Princess Celestia proved she was a good leader with each and every stamped seal.
The system was not perfect. No system was. In order for the system of governance to be good, it must have good people involved in it. Good ponies. So, she would set the best example she could by stepping aside and giving her subjects what they wanted. It preserved what they had built and removed the biggest problem at the moment: Princess Celestia. Not stepping down, but stepping aside.
"You may hold the rank of viscount in court of House Sparkle, and amid the nobles. Should you acquire land and an estate of your own, you may apply for a countship. You'll have to be married, of course," Celestia explained.
"Married?" Chrys piped up. She and Dan both exchanged a quick, fervent glance, both concerned. They both were more concerned for the other than themselves, however. Slowly, their eyes turned back again, locked for a moment... and turned back to Celestia. All within a few seconds. Enough to quiet the doubts of any in the room who saw such a display of quiet lovers.
'Countess Chrys' didn't quite have the ring Queen Chrysalis did, but Chryssie decided she liked it even more. She would be a good countess, good wife. And Dan would make a fine king- count. Count. Yes, Count Dan, to lead the hive.
"If you establish a township, you could become a duke. If my understanding is correct," Phoenix said.
Celestia nodded. "That's correct. For now though, he would hold a rank equivalent to an earl or viscount until he could form his own estate."
In Equestria, nobility began with knights- those elevated usually from the guard or servants of the royal family that were deemed worthy. Those not directly attached to royal lineage could rise no higher than baron or baroness- the noble ranking directly below viscount. More of an award for them, anyway. Beyond a baron, the lord of a castle was a count, and the lord of a township or province was a duke. Usually, a marquis was the lord of a group of townships, but in Equestrian nobility, there were mostly just barons, counts, dukes and princes. And their female counterparts, of course.
"And now, to go over your role as a nobleman of Equestria."
Canterlot Castle, Throne Room
Following the sealing of the last document, Celestia went over Dan's role as a newly-appointed noble. Which to Dan sounded like,
To which Dan responded, "Yeah. Uh-huh. Right. Yeah. Gotcha. Okay. Cool. Sounds great. Neato. Sure."
And Dan's friends recognized the... careful attention he was giving the princess. They somewhat expected it, as did Celestia, so they made sure to get notes for him. He might not read them, but Twilight would.
"I've actually read most of these before. Back when I first became a princess!" Twilight said enthusiastically. She smiled, showing the fangs from her dark form hadn't receded yet.
"Twilight-"
"I know. I, well, still need to try Zen's potion."
"Welcome to the Royal Family of Equestria, Sir Dan," Celestia said, bowing to him. His other friends followed suit, as did the guards stationed around the room. He was the only one standing. His hand, still scratching the side of his nose, as he looked around with eyes alight, watching everyone kneel... to him.
"This is... nice," Dan said. "Is this what... wait, is this what respect feels like?"
Anyone of them could've made a wisecrack. None did. "Feels nice, doesn't it?" Spike asked.
Dan slowly nodded. "It... it does." He nearly blushed, but he also felt pride. Pride not in burning something down, or blowing something up, or defacing something sacred or watching someone he impersonated get arrested but pride in being himself and standing up for something, his kingdom. HIS kingdom. He could say that now- HIS kingdom. Dan, part-ruler of Equestria, some-odd number in line for the throne.
"If I keep getting promotions, do I get to be a prince?"
Celestia smiled. "That's a bit more complicated. But we'll see," she said, which totally left the door open. "For now, we must all deal with the financial crisis and stabilize the economy."
"Ah," Dan nodded. "So uh... we're really broke?"
Celestia nodded. "We returned to find the treasury completely empty."
"How is that possible?" Twilight asked. "I know things are resetting but... the treasury wasn't empty three years ago."
"It's much worse than that," Celestia said. "Bank vaults, the bullion and gem reserves, even safety deposit boxes... all empty. It doesn't appear to be theft-"
"Well, let's not rule that out," Dan interjected. "Stuff's gone, right? No clue where it's gone to?"
Celestia nodded. "Correct. I've had several of our scholars search the records for wealth-related spells, but so far, nothing has worked."
Dan tapped his chin. "I wanna see the treasury." He was thinking, a good sign.
"It's this way," Celestia said, without any hesitation, turning to lead them all past the throne room and deeper into the castle.
Past the throne room were the servants' quarters, meeting rooms, the ball room, dining room, Princess Luna's arcade room(not her private one, but the public one she mostly just used for DDR) and at the very back of the castle, the treasury.
"The passage to the castle vault is hidden from regular view. As are many other passages."
"The castle hides a great many secrets," Celestia's secretary said.
Dan shifted his head. "Yes. My girlfriend and a giant pony doomsday robot were at one time two of them."
As they passed by a meeting room, they saw someone sitting on a couch. They all passed by, but Dan stopped when he noticed something about this person. He noticed they were human.
"Hey."
"Hi," the person said back. A man Dan didn't recognize in a coat, pants and gloves, hat on a hat rack by the door. "Is the... is the minister ready for me yet?"
"Which minister?" Dan asked.
He looked around. "Minister Fairview. He's overseeing the-
"Oh, excuse me!" A unicorn nearly bumped into Dan from behind. "Excuse me sir! I must get through." He edged past Dan, carrying another load of documents. A green pony with a silver mane, dressed in a nobleman's suit placed the documents on the desk in the meeting room. The new human, also dressed in mostly green, approached the desk.
"Hey Dan, you coming?" Twilight, Phoenix, they all went back for him. But Dan kept watching the display.
"Umm, it's probably best not to bother them-" Twilight tried to say, but Dan stepped into the room.
"What's going on?"
"Ah! I'm sorry, but this is a bit of a private matter. Unless, that is-"
"No no, I love meeting people! I just uh, we need to get this done-"
"Again," Dan said. "What's going on here?"
"Mr. Starlift is applying for a license. A restauranteur's license along with building permits and the like."
"Starlift?" Dan repeated.
The man turned. "THE Drake Starlift, yes! Owner and operator of the fabulous, five-star Starlift Bar and Grill!"
"Uh... huh," Dan nodded.
"That's right. Best damn breakfast for two-ninety-nine in three universes!"
Dan nodded again. "Okay then... carry on."
"Absolutely!" 'Drake' said. "Be sure to come to the grand opening! Bring the family!"
Chrys pulled Dan out of the room and back down the hall. Her hooves on his shoulders, she tried to rub him and comfort him as they walked. Dan once again found himself in a bit of a stupor... but it abated quickly this time.
"Once, I thought I was the only human here. On Equestria. I guess that was never really the case."
"Yeah. To be fair, humans never really stayed long until you showed up, Dan," Twilight said.
"No, I like it better this way," Dan said. He had come a long way from the man he was when he first landed in Equestria. It hadn't always been easy, and now, he was recognized for standing up for this kingdom. For the planet. He may not have been the only human in Equestria, but he was the first one made a noble.
"I am the first human to be made a noble, right?"
"Yes," Celestia said, without hesitation.
Dan grinned. "Nice."
Suddenly, another human crossed their path up ahead. This one, far less plain-looking. He didn't regard them at all. Several other humans, a bit smaller, followed him.
"Nothing to worry about," Twilight said. "The castle has lots of visitors."
"They might be with the CMC. Or somepony else," Phoenix suggested.
But Dan was having none of it. Something felt... off.
Dan broke off from the group and followed the others.
"I don't think we'll need more than one map. It should help the survey data once we upload it."
"At least we didn't come all this way for nothing."
"Hey," Dan caught up with them. "What the hell is this?"
The human group slowly turned. These ones Dan recognized. Rebel Alliance troopers and in front, a taller man, a figure that-
"Woah."
"Is there a problem?" the armored figure asked. Standing almost seven feet tall, covered head to toe in blue and white armor was a man that resembled more of an action figure than a person. Dan could tell who and what he was right away.
"Another Jedi? What's with you space monks and thinking you can just go anywhere you want?" Dan looked around. "Is the green guy with you?"
The armored man stepped forward. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean. My friends and I are here on business."
Optional Superboss Jedi Master Jara-Tey Vallo AKA Jerry, Barro's tank from SWTOR
Around them, the Rebel troopers carefully drew their weapons, but didn't take aim.
Dan's friends rounded the corner and fell in line behind him.
"Who are you guys?" Phoenix asked.
"We're an archaeology team investigating some ruins. We've applied for a permit."
"Look, just because you guys are the 'good guys,'" Dan emphasized with his fingers, "doesn't mean you can just go around doing whatever you want. This is MY castle. This is MY kingdom. This is MY PLANET. You either talk to me first, or you get off."
Jerry, the armored figure, took a step forward. Dan and the others stepped back. "I'm very sorry you feel that way. We'll take our leave while our application is being processed. Good day." The Rebels and their Jedi turned around and left.
There was something of a parallel there, but even Phoenix didn't notice it. The Rebels, trying to restore the Republic, were protective of the Jedi. And the Jedi were protective of them, similar to how Dan was becoming to the ponies. That sort of unity was very, very effective and in this case, quite possibly dangerous. Of course, that was the nature of teamwork. But the fact that both Dan and the Rebels were the 'good guys' made a difference itself. An alliance born from love, understanding, a true bond would always be stronger than one born of hatred or simple necessity. Lasts longer, too.
"Is that guy a man or a tank?" Dan asked, loud enough for them to hear.
One of the soldiers, who bore an uncanny resemblance to Michael Winslow turned back and said, "Little of column A, whole lot of column B."
"Hey Dan, that's-"
"I know who it is. C'mon. Let's go see the treasury vault. And I want a FULL report on exactly how many humans are in Equestria. Census!"
"Does this include earlier today?" the secretary asked. "We had a third-grade field trip that finished up before the speech."
Yes, it turned out, humans in Equestria wasn't an uncommon occurrence. At least, not as uncommon as first thought. They just didn't tend to stay as long as Dan and Phoenix; in fact, they were the longest-standing human residents in Equestria since Meghan and Danny. Unlike Dan, they didn't feel the need to broadcast their presence. Superheroes like Spider-Man and others already had fame.
Generally, Equestria found itself with two types of visitors. Those that came from space, usually interested in tech and those that teleported, phased or transported themselves magically. The more magically-inclined were even more secretive than those that came from the stars. Most of the magicians, sorcerers, wizards and the like quickly understood what magic was at work while the astronauts typically tried to leave as quickly as possible. Dan, quite literally was somewhere in between, having falling out of the sky.
"You're really miffed about the amount of humans that show up here, aren't you?" Spike asked.
Dan sneered. "It was nice when it was JUST ME. Now I find out there's been dozens here..."
"There goes the neighborhood, right?" Off-color comment from Spike: check.
But Dan just smiled. "At least I get to boss them around now. I will be the minister of all human-related activities and human... junk. And other stuff too. Who was the last human here before me?"
"Weird Al," they all replied. Except for Phoenix.
"Wait," Phoenix said. "I thought I was the last human before Dan."
Twilight turned around. "Yeah, we thought that, too. Apparently, Weird Al was here for Cheese Sandwiche's birthday party and just didn't tell anybody."
Dan looked around at them. "Why? Why would you NOT tell anybody?"
"So the moment someone arrives in Equestria from another world, they should immediately announce their presence? Maybe in song form?" Spike asked.
Dan leaned down and glared at him. "I know what you're doing. I know where you live."
"You live where I live." Spike giggled, as did Twilight and Chrys.
"Stop it."
"I take it you're going to be passing new laws, rules, regulations? Something to that effect?" Phoenix asked. "I might need you to summon a paralegal or two... or ten to handle things."
Dan slapped him on the shoulder. "No summoning, Nicky. Not unless we absolutely need it! Relax, you've got it covered. We'll get you some local help."
"Hey Nick?" Chrys asked.
"Yes?"
"Is there anyone you'd like to summon specifically from your law practice? I mean... don't you have friends on Earth worried about you?"
"Hmm, well, last time I was summoned here, there wasn't much of a time-gap when I returned." (How Edgeworth found out, I have no idea.)
"What if there's cases Nick needs to be a part of, but he can't be involved because he's here?" Chrys asked.
"Don't worry. Lawyers are pretty easy to find. I'm sure they got someone top-notch to fill in for Nicky if they need it."
Wright and Co. Law Offices Currently under temporary new management
"Hahaha! Another case successfully cracked by Corey Rect! Am I the best or what?"
"Corey..." Maya looked at the new, young, smiling lawyer and couldn't help but feel... awkward. "This isn't easy for me to say."
"Objection! You could always write it down if it's too hard to say!"
"That's not... gawd, you're dumb."
"Objection! I know I am and so are you! Hahaha!"
"You're fired. Get out."
"Haha... ah crap. Okay I'll... I'll go back to go-kart racing, then. See ya."
As Maya watched the moron leave, she had but one thing on her mind. And she decided to make a note of it. "Trucy, could you please make sure we don't take any more applications submitted by Detective Gumshoe?"
"..."
Silence answered her. Disappointedly, Maya realized she did not have a call button at her desk to page the receptionist. Also, Trucy wasn't the receptionist and wasn't even in the building that day. She sighed to herself.
"I need a vacation."
The treasury was far larger than it seemed on the outside. Large, but also empty.
"You weren't kiddin, white horse," Dan remarked. "This place is empty."
The treasury room consisted of two floors with a large partition in the middle. Along the walls were individual vaults. Supporting the room from floor to ceiling were six immense columns ordained with the six elements of harmony ornately carved into the molding. Under normal circumstances, the room would also be nearly stuffed to the brim with gold, jewels, artifacts and valuables. Right now, as Dan had expected, it was completely empty.
"I'm guessing there's some kind of record of everything that was kept here," Phoenix said.
"Yes, we have it here," the secretary hooved it to him.
"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay." (I have no idea what any of this stuff is, but I'm gonna keep nodding and reading. At least I can tell it's a lot.)
"None of the artifacts in here were dangerous," the secretary said.
Bullion and precious stones were kept in the side vaults, things of raw monetary value. The artifacts were kept in the middle where they could be seen, examined and studied. It wasn't a museum, and most of the the items with historic and cultural value were too old or obscure for museums to be interested in. Gifts to the royal family from other countries were the most common artifacts stored there.
Dan walked up to one of the columns, the one obviously representing loyalty. The lightning bolt symbol was just like it was on the actual Element of Loyalty, similar to Rainbow Dash's cutie mark. Dan touched it, rubbed his hand around it and then brought it up to his eyes.
"No dust." He looked around. "No dust, no paint damage, no fading from the light source. Nothing." He turned back around to them.
"So... you think whatever happened here, it's like..." Chrys thought, but didn't really know where Dan was going.
But Twilight did. "Everything just disappeared. Vanished."
"Or it was never reset. Remember, the whole planet exploded. The Genesis bomb and magic brought the planet back together, but who's to say that it brought everything back exactly as it was?" Phoenix said.
"It brought everything back the way it was over three years ago. The vaults were still full three years ago," the secretary said.
"What was the last thing added to the treasury?" Dan asked.
The secretary took the ledger from Phoenix and rolled it up to the bottom. "Two pairs of earrings from Saddle Arabia, a matched set from Princess Cosmira Al-Casada and Prince Reeyem Starzala."
"Actually, we still have those," Celestia said. She pushed her tiara to the side to reveal she had another earring, a small shooting star-shaped pendant. Saddle Arabia was one of Equestria's closest allies. While Celestia and Luna had failed in their defense of the kingdom's capitol, the Saddle Arabians were nonetheless grateful for their aid. They'd suffered more than other nations during the shadow war, but still wanted to show their appreciation and friendship.
The most prized possession of the Saddle Arabians was a meteorite. In their history, the tribe of Saddle Arabian ponies were lost in a desert at night when stars began to fall from the sky. Out of food and water, the Saddlers followed the way they were pointing until they found an oasis, the site that eventually became Oasis City. Whether the meteor shower had been magic or simply coincidence, none could say, but a single meteorite had landed, exposing a larger underground well. To receive a jewel made from the original meteorite was among the highest honors the Saddle Arabians bestowed.
"Great, so, those are probably worth half a bit each, maybe? How much are we in the red, anyway?" Dan asked.
"It's not a question of debt. There is not enough currency in the system and there is not enough wealth supporting it," Celestia said.
"So that's a no to pawning the trinkets. And I guess telling the entire kingdom to go out and get jobs isn't really an option," Dan said, rubbing his chin. "Hmm... bit of a puzzler." Both the strategies Dan used to alleviate money woes on Earth were not viable in this situation.
"Luna and I will be meeting with various business owners in Equestria throughout the next week. It's going to take a while, but we've promised all the major businesses that we would do our best to provide what they need until the situation is resolved. We must find a way to replenish our financial assets and introduce new currency into circulation as soon as possible."
Dan nodded. "Bit above my paygrade. Oh wait... I guess I can't say that, now. What can I do to help? What can we all do?"
"I don't know," Celestia said. Those words hung in the room, seeming to fill the empty room with a sense of fear, worry, helplessness. At that moment, there was nothing any of them could do, or knew to do, to help things. That feeling of utter helplessness, uselessness, was almost unbearable.
"Well, um... if you think of something, let us know," Phoenix said. "We ready to get going?"
"I guess so," Twilight said. "You okay, Dan?"
"Yeah. Like I said, we're gonna be tightening our belts for a while. Not like I haven't done that before."
"Okay," Twilight said. "Let's head for home, then."
"Maybe Discord's new show will be on," Spike suggested. Anything to perk up the spirits, even a little thing was helpful. Chrys and Phoenix nodded, and Dan fell in step behind them. They exited the treasury.
And were immediately stopped by Kent.
"Kent?"
"Empty, right?" Kent asked. The armored figure was leaning against the wall, arms folded. Dan walked up to him.
"Yeah- hey, we saw another group of you clowns earlier. You're not with them, are you?"
"Do I look like I'm with them?"
Dan looked him over. "Is that a real question?"
"I know where the treasury's contents are located," Kent said. He unfolded his arms. Every part of him seemed to radiate power. It could've been threatening, but for some reason, Dan didn't seem threatened at all.
"Have you been like... watching us?" Chrys asked.
"Yes."
".......Okay."
"How long have you been, uh-"
"Since Barro told me to. And since Dan agreed," Kent said. He was a no-nonsense guy. Probably a first for this story and another reason why he feels out of place. Does he feel out of place? So did Dan when he first got here. And look at him now, he's... still here. That's about all you can say about him. Oh, and he has friends and weapons and he got a promotion now, the respect of the whole planet, yadda yadda yadda, but he's still basically the same guy.
But this guy, Kent, was hiding something.
"So where's our money?"
"The griffons have it."
".......whaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" Dan started to ask what, and then it turned into yelling. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" And he began running around, angry.
Twilight teleported to him, then teleported him back. "Dan. Focus."
"We should've... we should've never trusted him. That pigeon-headed pirate piece of fried chicken!!"
"Dan, we don't know anything yet."
"You said the griffons HAVE it," Phoenix said. "How exactly did they GET it?"
"That, I don't know. I just know that their treasure hordes are full to the brim. Gold, jewels and valuables from every nation."
"They STOLE IT. They STOLE IT! They OBVIOUSLY STOLE IT!" Dan yelled. "That gaggle of thieving... I need a drink," he walked around the corner. The gang followed him.
"Where are the vending machines?"
"They weren't installed until I moved to Ponyville," Twilight said.
"So what's replacing them?"
At the front of the castle, they found what had replaced the vending machines.
"Cucumber water?" Dan asked. Two water coolers, one with plain water and the other with cucumber water took the place of one of the vending machines. "CUCUMBER WATER?" Dan repeated.
"It's also got chunks of watermelon, lemon and orange in it," Phoenix said. He got himself some. "Good stuff."
Dan turned around and pointed at the offensive cooler. "This, THIS is why the kingdom is broke. THIS thing, THIS is a symbol of needless, wasteful, pretentiou-*ollp-olllp* arrogant spending, the kind of thing that the rich- *glarrm-glarrrp* with the snobs, and the country clubs, and the- *gallp, gaalllp* with the country today!"
If you have no idea what Dan was saying there, you're not alone. Dan took several cups from the cucumber-citrus water fountain while simultaneously ranting about it, so nobody understood him. When he was done, they all got drinks.
"I hate this thing," Dan said, getting another drink. "We're getting one for the library."
"Well, this information certainly changes things," Celestia said. "I will contact the griffons immediately."
"Wait, you're just automatically going to trust this guy?" Chrys asked. They all looked at her, even though she had a point, so she continued with, "I mean, what are you going to do? Just write them and ask them to give back our stuff?"
"You have no reason to trust me," Kent said. "But the fact is that the treasures of this planet's nations now reside in one place. The griffons are holding it in the hanging city on the coast, Lavertica."
"I do trust Mr. Kent," Celestia said. "As does Princess Luna. Not only that, the griffon envoys that were sent to the summit were... unusual. I'm going to reach out to the ambassador."
"So, what now for us? We're just supposed to go home while you negotiate with a band of bird burglars?"
"I know this is difficult, Dan," Celestia said. She strode over to him and knelt down to meet him at eye level. "I know you may have the urge to investigate this matter more thoroughly, but I want to remind you that you are a noble of Equestria now. There are certain expectations that come with royalty. But officially, there's little at this time I can do to stop any of you from infiltrating Lavertica and finding how our wealth came to be in the possession of the griffons." She turned slowly and walked away.
"Oh... not exactly subtle, your majesty," Dan said.
Lavertica, capital of the Griffon Kingdom ...Oh wait, no, it's the living room first. My bad, my bad. Mulligan.
Golden Oaks Library, living room
It took a while to develop a plan to infiltrate the griffon capital. Initially, Dan wanted to storm the city, commit what amounted to at least a dozen war crimes, pretty much declare war on a neighboring semi-friendly kingdom and raze it to the ground. Second plan was to create a diversion, ransack the city with an elite commando team(comprised of himself, Phoenix, Spike, Chrys and Twilight) and steal everything that wasn't nailed down. So, from the first plan to the second, we did see a significant reduction in overall violence, but lost that when Dan came up with the third plan-
"Let's just bomb the whole place to dust!"
"How is that different from launching an all-out attack and burning the city to the ground?" Spike asked. He was the only one who even remotely gave the plan merit; the others had already moved on in their minds.
"Because," Dan pointed at the dry erase board, "with the bombs, we don't risk our own troops going into the city, AND it cuts down on the time spent fighting, AND-"
"And it's far too violent, risks too many innocent lives and is pretty much completely amoral, reprehensible and evil," Twilight said.
Dan raised a finger. "But would it work?"
"No," they all went.
Dan scrubbed the dry erase board. "Eh, you're right. Probably would've blown up the treasury in the process anyway. So, let's rexamine Plan A- All-Out Assault. IF we come in from the east, we-"
And for the next two hours, they tuned Dan out, got lunch, did some light reading before Spike actually came up with the best idea. They send in one spy to quickly get all the information they can and get out without anybody even noticing they were there in the first place. Unsurprisingly, the best one for the job happened to be-
"This is Chrys-one, in position," Chrys said.
Cliffside, Griffon Town, north-eastern Equestria. Wait, no, I mean north-WESTern. Yeah, that. So we're still not quite at the main city yet, we're-
"Buddy, can you keep it down?"
Okay, sorry. Cliffside
"Can you see everything okay?"
"Yeah. Not quite as dumpy as I imagined it," Dan said. Back at the library, the rest of the gang was watching through a fiber-optic camera and listening through a mic to everything going on around Chrys. It was the same headpiece and spy gear that Dan had neglected when he went to rescue the CMC from the planet depths. Chrys was finding more use for it.
"Remind me to thank Gilda for letting me borrow her... everything," Chrys said.
"You're welcome," Gilda said over the mic. As part of her infiltration of the hanging city, it was decided Chrys would go disguised as a griffon. Specifically, she would be disguised as the only griffon that they really knew, and one that happened to be related to someone important.
"Just don't do anything too crazy as me."
"Wasn't planning on it," Chrys replied. She walked down the street to the town of Cliffside.
The town of Cliffside was so named because it was built into a cliff. On it and the side of it, as griffons were a naturally cliff-dwelling species. Cliffside itself did not see much traffic; other than supply runs, visitors to Lavertica usually came via airship or flew on their own wings. Like Cloudsdale, it wasn't a place the ground-bound usually tread.
The main street was lined with wood and stone buildings, almost like out of a western. Behind them were houses, also partly stone and wood, almost resembling something out of the Flintstones. A few griffons were about but otherwise, not much activity. Chrys was able to follow the street right towards the tram.
"The tram's lucky if it gets more than two passengers a day. It's gonna look weird if I'm using it."
"You're kind-of a renegade, aren't you? Doing spontaneous things fits your profile," Chrys said to Gilda.
"You can talk your way through it. I know you can, babe," Dan's voice said.
Chrys smiled. "Thanks for the vote of confidence." She walked quickly, but casually towards the tram station.
The tram attendant was exiting the tram as Chrys approached.
"Hey! Got room for one more?" The passenger compartment was clearly empty as Chrys waved.
"Gilda?"
"Crap," Chrys said through her closed beak. "Gilda, he recognizes me. As you. Who is he? What do I say?"
"He knows me because I'm the sky marshal's daughter. Relax and play it cool."
Chrys waved back at the attendant. "Hi there... homey! What's shakin'?"
"...Okay, you're clearly too much of an idiot to be me." "I thought the impression was spot-on." "Shut up, Dan." "You're doing great, honey! Tone down the dorkiness a bit. Play it casual."
"O-okay..." Chrys said nervously.
"You're not here often. And you don't usually take the tram."
"Ah, well uh, it was a long walk. Flight. Flight here. And I could use the rest."
The attendant, a brown griffon with a tan head raised an eyebrow at her. "If you say so." He opened the doors for her. "My regards to your parents."
"Thaaaaanks. I'll let 'em know as soon as I see 'em." The doors closed and the tram departed.
"Smooth babe. Smooth. Just like I taught you." "I don't want you talking to anyone as me. Can you find another griffon to turn into?"
"You know any other griffons conveniently living in Equestria?" Chrys asked. "If I turn into someone here, I could run into them, raise suspicions. This is the safest way."
"Yeah, Gilda, relax. It doesn't matter if Chrys ruins your reputation and embarrasses you. You're never around there, anyway." "Nick, you wouldn't happen to be taking clients here in Equestria, would you?" "Sure. You can pay me with all this money none of us have." "There's more than one way I can pay you, Nick~" "I... gonna-gonna go get some...drink. Eat. One of those."
"Will you idiots just shut up and look at this? Just... look."
Lavertica, the hanging city literally hung, suspended by massive cables that connected it to pillars jutting out of the ocean. Another cliff on the other side held Farside, a town similar to Cliffside but with more green. The capital city of the griffon kingdom, Lavertica was a giant, gilded birdcage-like structure constructed over centuries. The buildings, streets, structures, all were metal. Six cables and three stone pillars held the city in place, with additional smaller cables connecting to the top of the structure delivering water from the cliffs. There were waterfalls, as well as water draining out of the bottom of the cage-structure, creating a perpetual mist that billowed up from the rocky, choppy ocean below.
Very few vessels could traverse the sea beneath the hanging city, within the massive cove it was located in. Airships of various kinds filled the births located on the outside at various points. Wire-like rails took supply pods and passenger trolleys, similar to those seen in New Troy throughout the city.
Amid the metal, there was green, too. Gardens were spread on the vertical outer beams of the cage, covered in various fruited vines and trees. Griffons with baskets on their fronts and backs collected fruits, vegetables and tended to the plants, constantly fed water from the vertical aqueduct system.
Atop this grand structure was the Gilded Palace, home to the griffon royal family and nobility. The tram took Chrys to one of the middle rings of the city. There were nine rings in total, with portions of a tenth at the very bottom.
"Looks like the tram might've been a good call. Is there usually a line of airships docking at this place?"
"No, not unless the city's on high alert. Air patrol's probably out in force, too."
"I don't see any patrols."
"You're not supposed to see them," Gilda said.
"Oh." Chrys backed away from the window and sat down. Best not to draw attention.
The tram docked at a platform. Another attendant opened the door, followed by two freight workers.
"Oh! Miss Gilda. What are you... doing on the tram?"
"Uh, disembarking? What does it look like?" Chrys said, in her best Gilda-like tough gal voice. She pushed past them before they could question her further.
"Nailed it." "I do NOT act like that. At all." "Nailed it."
"So where do I go from here?"
"Well, if it's new treasure, it'll be at Processing on the bottom. Ring Seven. Security will be extremely tight and uh... well, I don't exactly have clearance to be on processing."
Chrys looked down. Clouds of steam and the strange layout of the hanging buildings made it nearly impossible to see where anything was. Probably felt more natural for actual griffon. Interior rings at each level held buildings. All the buildings hung on bars that ran around the city. Homes, businesses, warehouses, bars, restaurants, schools, all hung on the bars. It truly was a hanging city. A lot of it looked very steampunk-ish, too.
"How do I get to Processing?"
"Freight eleva-*rssssh-rrrr* -er, from there,"
"Say again. Repeat that, there was some static."
"That's probably going to get worse as you go deeper. Might lose contact."
Chrys nodded. "Okay, so make it quick."
"Right, the only way in our out of Processing is the elevator in the center, it *kzzzzshh-kzzz-kzzzt lockdown-"
Chrys tapped her headset. "Say again." A moment later she added, nervously, "Please?"
"*krrrrrkk-rrrrrrk*" Static answered her. The connection was gone, and Chrys was on her own. That was right; the same thing had happened to Dan when he'd been underground. They really needed to find a way to boost the signal on these things.
She made her way to the center area. She flew, which hopefully wouldn't be too out-of-place for her. There weren't too many other griffons flying, but there were a few. In fact a large group of griffons let out of one building, a theater by the looks of it.
"I don't know if you guys can hear me, but I think I found the movies." Curiosity got the better of her. Chrys didn't deliberately fly over to the theater, but she did adjust her flight pattern so she passed by a bit closer on her way to the center of the ring.
Four movie posters hung on the side of the cinema building, banners for the biggest shows. A rom-com about griffon dorks in college, Wanting U was in its fourth week, a new race drama called Reflective was just starting its run, and Potential Energy 3, an action series based on a comic book about gems that grant superpowers was being teased. Chrys thought she might drag Dan to see the rom-com, or at least rent it.
But the final movie was the one that caught her eye. Because it looked like she was in it.
A poster of Gilda holding a broken tiara in one claw, staring at the audience with a hard look on her face. The title of the movie was Gods Don't Have Hooves. It was coming out this summer.
Chrys found her beak was hanging open.
"Looks good, doesn't it?" A griffon said. She didn't know how long he'd been flying next to her and didn't care. "I'm taking my girlfriend to see this day one! I mean... well, she's not my girlfriend yet."
"Ah, uh... yeah, good luck!"
"Heheh, thanks hey- wait, aren't you in it? Yeah, you're Gilda!"
"Shhh," she pulled him away. "Keep it down, right? I'm uh... incognito. Celebrity life, right? Don't want to excite the paparazzi right?"
"The what?"
"Hey, Ima go- good luck with your almost-girlfriend! Hope she goes out with you!"
"I-uh, yeah! Thanks!"
An anti-pony propaganda movie. Chrys thought about yelling over her shoulder to the guy and telling him to go see Wanting U for his date instead. Boys had something in common when they reached dating age: stupidity. No girl, and in fact nobody wanted to see a propaganda flick, especially not one starring an attractive female for the first date. And yes, that was a stereotype but there was a good chance it might help a kid meet someone nice to nest up with.
"Hey buddy!" Chrys flew back to him.
"Uhm, yeah?"
She took him by the shoulders. "Listen, you don't wanna see that movie. It's not very good. Trust me; I'm in it. Take her to see that movie."
"Wanting U? Oh gawd, those movies are terrible. The jokes and references are so dated, the cast is are all comedy stars that can't make it in funny movies any more."
"Yeah, well, Adam Sandler and his friends need to eat, too."
"Who's Adam Sandler?"
"*kzzzzrrrt*"
"Go buy those tickets! Offer to buy the popcorn, bring a bottled water!" She flew off before he could ask anything further.
Chrys flew through the city about as fast as she could. Already, there was news to report back. She didn't know what kind of movie Gods Don't Have Hooves was but it didn't look good. She told herself she was jumping to conclusions to assume it was some sort of anti-pony, anti-alicorn, anti-Equestria movie. But it wouldn't be surprising. Equestria and the Griffon Kingdom were barely trading partners at best, and rivals at worst. Griffons refused to police their pirates but also let ponies do basically whatever they wanted with the ones they caught. Mostly, they released them, minus anything they stole.
The griffons still stole a lot. Regularly. They were a greedy race by nature, still.
Chrys saw a problem with the elevator to processing. There didn't seem to be a way to get to it. There was just a giant, glass tube that ran up all the way to the upper rings. There were no openings or holes, nothing she saw that she could get through.
So, she had to improvise. Using her magic, Chrys added a revolving glass door to the tube and walked through it. Another flash and it was back to normal, and she was now inside the tube. Hopefully, no one saw it.
She flew downward in the tube. It took a while. Thankfully, no elevators were coming up. She made her way to Processing with ease and then magic'd a hatch to let herself out. Again, hopefully no one saw her. Every use of magic was a risk.
The processing structure had more rails. It was divided into four sections- an inspection area, the first stop for new pods, a separation area for sorting, a treatment area for extra intervention and more intense inspection and the final section was a massive furnace. Metal and supplies, mostly stolen ore and gems were then sent up the center pipe where they would then go to banks, vaults or the royal palace. The rich got their pick of everything.
The Processing ring had several floors. The pods and containers were identical; it would take hours to search all of them. She needed a quicker way. Maybe they were keeping an inventory ledger on inspection, the lowest floor.
Thankfully, there were stairs that led there.
Chrys raced down the stairs as quickly as she could. If Gilda wasn't welcome there, it wouldn't matter if how well she could act like her. Nailed that second impression, though. Totally. Maybe she could knock someone out and put them in a closet somewhere, impersonate them while they were unconscious. Risky, as they could be found early but she might have to do it.
She passed by one of the storage areas and stopped. Once again, she saw something she didn't think she'd see. Planes. Dozens, hundreds of planes. Not planes, starfighters. Like the one Barro had used. EXACTLY like the one I had used. They were packed tightly with their wings folded, barely a centimeter of space between them.
The griffons had stolen Barro's starfighter design and used it to build hundreds of copies. And they were building more. Enough for an invasion, possibly of Equestria.
"Maintenance team to Deck-three. Maintenance to Deck-three. Again."
Chrys didn't know what that was, but there were griffons flying all over the place on this floor. And close to the far wall, something else, something she had to see. Taking the risk, she flew closer.
There were so many fighters. Why did they need so many? Barro had threatened them and the planet easily with just one. This was overkill. They all had weapons and the same cannon on the back, almost looking like a fleet of winged scorpions waiting to strike.
She flew to the back wall. Fortunately, the other griffons were too busy to notice her at the moment. Too risky for her to turn into an insect or rodent, something small that would've been easy for her to hide. Griffons had excellent eyesight, would've either squished her or possibly eaten her depending on the griffon. Most griffons preferred fish or other sources for protein, but like humans, they ate just about everything.
A giant mold was on the back wall. It looked like it was a mold for a weapon of some sort, and Chrys' first instinct was to think it might've been for a Sword Spell. On closer inspection, it was something far worse.
It was a talon. A giant mold for a giant talon, larger than any living griffon. But for another type of griffon all together.
It all made sense now. At least, Chrys thought it did. There was precious little metal in Equestria. Rare earth ores, just as rare as those on Earth, give or take. There was only one project, one thing that required so much metal, so much rare material, so much sophisticated technology and secrecy to construct and complete. They had stolen much more than just treasure.
Chrys had to get out of there. Maybe it didn't matter that she hadn't found the treasury's contents. Maybe Dan had been right AGAIN about invading the country. The griffons were building their own Magic Gear. No, check that... Chrys put her claw up to the mold. There was no metal or material in the mold itself, but the outside was coated in a faint layer of ashy, chalky dust. It had already been used.
As if to confirm her fears, the platform shuddered. The loud sound of metal clanging against metal echoed with a dull resonance through the ring.
"Alpha-One docking has recommenced. Delta Team, report to primary intake."
Chrys bolted. Her heart was now beating in her chest. She didn't know what she was going to see and didn't take time to wonder. She raced from the enormous storage ring down to the intake ring two levels below it.
She tried to stick to the shadows but she was more exposed on this level than ever. The intake level was a series of platforms, more rails and pods, all leading either up into the ring above or to another processing station. A lot more griffons flew about and worked on this ring, mostly larger griffons and laborers. An airship in the center was being lowered, its hold recently emptied.
Some of the airships had large insects clinging to the sides- moths. Glitter moths were a species known for their sturdy wings. They regularly drank from mineral-rich resources and ate mineral-rich leaves making their bodies and wings incredibly tough. They were friendly to ponies and griffons, who used them to find precious stones and gold, though also a favorite prey animal of the Ursa Major, Star Serpent and Cosmic Octopus. A similar species, the glamour moth spun silk in its larval form that pony fashion designers often used and only cocooned itself after finding a suitable pattern that would become its wings.
"Watch it, watch it now, watch-watch it! HEY!!"
Before the airship was clear of the ring, something slammed into it from behind. The platforms and rails shook. Several of the moths took flight, fleeing to the upper levels. Some of the moths were the size of the fighters Chrys had just seen, yet they'd been startled by something even larger.
"Careful! Careful!"
"Delta Team, move in! Move in!"
Black-suited griffons flew into the center. Several of the beams bent and boke, cargo was sent tumbling. The team of griffons took cables from the platforms and hooked them onto something, and the moment they did, Chrys realized what she was looking at.
The Griffon Gear appeared out of thin air. Its massive lower legs swung and kicked into the top of an airship below it. Another pair of platforms were quickly raised into place to support it. Its wings still beat to keep it in aloft, along with thrusters along its body. The cables secured its claws to a pair of the sorting platforms. It was clear the stations and supports weren't designed for a Gear.
"It's invisible," Chrys muttered to herself. "It can turn invisible."
As she watched it, the Gear opened its massive beak. Like a bird regurgitating food for its young, a pile of treasure disgorged from its innards and onto the platform. And another. And another. The platform was weighed down heavily by the piles of gold and jewels the metallic creature upheaved. So they got another one.
When the contents of its metal stomach were finally emptied, the creature looked around. Its eyes glowed eerily, like Songbird from Bioshock: Infinite and yeah, that's not the first time I've referenced that game but I have my grievances with it. So I'm taking the eyes from the iconic bird, because fan service works like that, but not much else.
"Delta Team, stand clear. All intake crews, stand clear!"
"We really need a better way of doing this."
"We're working on it. Trudy?"
"Intake deck is clear. Proceed normal traffic."
The giant metal griffon pushed itself off the platforms, nearly knocking them back up and into the ring above. It flew away without another thought and vanished from sight in more ways than one.
"Impressive, isn't it?"
Chrys spun around. A blue griffon with a gray head floated near her, forearms folded.
"I-w-what?"
"Well, obviously it's a bit under-utilized just to use it for plundering, but the griffons like treasure. It at least shows you we honor agreements," the griffon said.
She backed away from him. "I... I don't understand."
"You don't have to, your majesty."
A massive group of griffons appeared out of thin air. They surrounded Chrys, aiming too many types of weapons than she cared to count. The closest ones had swords that were sharp enough to the point. Even a pair of smaller airships floated up with griffons manning harpoon turrets aiming them at her.
She turned back to the blue griffon. "You think you know who I am... what you're dealing with. I think you may need educating." Her eyes glowed green.
"Don't try it. You won't find much love to use here, Chryssie. These birds only love gold."
Silent, Chrys allowed two of the griffons to subdue her claws, binding her. But then, a pair of nets were launched at her and fell upon her, and she rolled her eyes. These thugs were morons, clearly. She dropped the disguise and turned back into her regular changeling form. No point wasting magic or trying to hide now.
"How did you find me?"
"Security cameras caught you using magic."
"Oh," Chrys said. "I feel dumb now."
The griffon shrugged. "If it makes you feel any better, you're in good company. These griffons aren't the brightest bulbs, that's for sure."
"You're not a griffon?" Chrys asked.
He smiled. His body transformed into that of a pegasus. "You're not the only one who can transform into others, Chrys."
Dan told Chrys about a pony, or some other creature that was a master of disguise. An entity that could be anyone or anything. "Visor?"
"Ah, good! She's a quick learner," Visor said, almost applauding her deduction. "We can charge extra for that. Take her to the dungeon."
"If you guys can hear me, I'm being captured. Captured by morons. Again," Chrys said, hoping that somehow the gang back at the library was receiving. The overlapping nets also captured several of the closer griffons, who attempted to use their swords and knives and claws to cut their way out. They were mostly unsuccessful, and Chrys didn't even bother resisting.
"Well," Chrys said, "at least it took like, the entire city to capture me. I think Dan will be proud of that." They hauled her off to the dungeons in the rings high above. "I really hope you guys are getting this and will send help!! Please? Where are you guys?!"
Sweet Apple Acres
"Who wants another apple kebab?"
"I'll take one!" shouted Dan. "Gimme an extra char on that, Jackie!"
"You got it," AJ said. Sweet Apple Acres was enjoying a beautiful, bright sunny day. Almost too bright. "Rainbow Dash, what's with the clouds today? Or, lack of clouds today?"
"Cloudsdale's counting them. All the records of the water vapor, the rainbow supplies, all that's gone."
"They're auditing the clouds?" Phoenix asked.
Rainbow nodded. "It's probably gonna be a while, too. There's a lot of clouds we still have to wrangle up there."
Rarity twisted her parasol in her hooves. It wasn't large enough to cover all of her; more of a fashion item than a functional one. "And why exactly aren't you up there? Doing that?"
"It's my day off," Rainbow said, leaning back and stretching with a kebab in her wing-grip. "Just relax in the shade for a while, it'll be fine."
"There's not a lot of shade to go around..." Fluttershy commented. She was busy trying to corral the squirrels so they weren't affected by the hot sun, to little avail.
Dan and friends were gathered under an apple tree while Applejack worked the grill. Dan had the foresight to bring a lounge chair with him. Several skewers were stabbed into the ground nearby.
Twilight finished her second apple kebab. "Things will be back to normal soon. Or... normal-ish. Whatever's normal for us."
"I... hope... so..." a deflated Pinkie Pie said. A lack of money meant a lack of parties. And a lack of Sugar Cube Corner meant a lack of Pinkie-ness in the Pinkie. She was sprawled out in front of the tree, acting more like her sisters than her usual self.
"I CAN'T TAKE THIS MUCH LONGER!!" Pinkie randomly shouted, into the grass. She could, in fact, take this much longer.
"Gals, gals, gals, and Nicky, you're doing this all wrong." He took off his sunglasses. "This is the perfect time for a day off. No money and no jewels means no one attacks us! We have nothing of value, the best defense of all!"
Phoenix nodded. "You say this, yet ALL the groups that attacked us were not interested in material wealth at all, minus the griffons. Who now have our material wealth."
Dan leaned back in his chair, acting like he was sunning himself even though he was clearly in the shade. "And we will be getting that back soon enough. I have full confidence in my Chryssie to get the job done. It'd probably take the entire city to capture her. I'd probably be proud of that, too."
The dungeon of Lavertica was a bird-cage like structure, just like much of the city. Unlike the rest of the city, it was far rustier and less-maintained. It seemed to be made of leftover bars and materials that were discarded from other construction. There were still parts of it that were gold, only because they were gold spray-painted.
The thugs that captured Chrys literally tossed her in a cell.
"Ow! Hey, when my boyfriend here's about this, he's gonna come here and blow up all your bird-asses!" Chrys said. She realized now she had entered the relationship phase where she threatened other people with her boyfriend, a classic, if stereotypical girlfriend move. Still, it was very true in her case as Dan didn't need much of a reason, or any reason at all really to bring harm to others. And revenge was a passion of his, so that worked, too.
"So what'd they throw you in here for?"
"I wasn't supposed to be- Gust???" Chrys turned to find her cell mate was in fact Gust Grasp.
"Sup brosephone. Been a while."
"Yeah, where have you been? I haven't seen you since Ponyville exploded. I mean, the first time."
Gust leaned back, his head resting on his claws. "Well, things were pretty cool for a while. What with me being the hero of the world, and all."
"Hero? Oh wait..."
Gust smiled. "Yeah, can you believe it?"
"No."
"Me, a bigtime hero. I told all the griffons about how I and my crew, cutoff and marooned after the attack on Ponyville had to fend for ourselves and fight back against Rice and his legion of dragons. And just when we were about to beat him at the Equestria Games, he snaps us all to the moon. But, lucky for us, I had the foresight to steal all the treasures from around the globe. To protect them."
"Wait wait wait wait, so he snapped you guys to the moon, too?"
Gust nodded. "Yep. I mean, after the Equestria Games, he didn't really have much of a choice."
"What do you mean "Equestria Games?" There were no games this year. The planet just came back together."
"Before that," Gust got up. "You were there! You and Dan and Twilight and all the ponies." He looked genuinely concerned. And it was the genuine part that started to make Chrys concerned. "Why... why don't you remember?"
"Okay, if this is a scam or something-"
"It's not! For reals, Rice held-
"Real."
"What?"
"Just say "real" please, don't add an "s" to the end of it."
"...Whatever," Gust shook his head. "Look, before he took everybody to the moon and stuff, he had a huge tournament. The Equestria Games, or at least his version of it. There were people there, and he held everyone hostage..." His explanation only left Chrys more and more confused. Her look went from skeptical to completely puzzled.
"You really don't remember, do you?" Gust asked.
"Why... wouldn't I remember being at the games?"
"Because Rice erased your memory," Visor said. Chrys spun around. Behind them, just outside the birdcage-like cell they were trapped in was Visor in his original pony form. Light green stallion with a dark green mane. "Rice actually took quite a while to finally get all of you to the moon. His original plan was just to rule over Equestria and remake it the way he wanted it, starting with the Equestria Games."
Chrys looked even more confused. "But why? All he wanted was his son back. All the revenge crap, that was just to throw us off his trail. At least, I thought it was."
"No, you were right." He looked away for a moment. "Grief does... strange things to people. Loss of more than just someone you love but an entire part of your life. It can be like losing a limb; it takes a while to find a new way to do things. Rice took on the guise of his son whom was killed in order to prevent Luna and others from looking into his dreams and seeing his plans. Eventually, though, he started to believe it, too. At least a little, enough to try making his own games."
She gripped the bars with her hooves and shook her head. "We were AT the Equestria Games?" She turned back to Gust, who nodded. It was still hard to believe. "What... were we in any events?"
"Several of your friends were. Took home quite a few medals, though I think they're being melted down right now."
"Was Dan in anything?"
Visor folded his hooves. "Not in an official capacity. He ran security but... well, you can imagine how that went. At the conclusion, Rice teleported all of you to the moon and Tartarus but he somehow missed Dan."
"Oh... I thought he teleported us all there after the whole attack on Ponyville thing," Chrys said. "I guess it's... possible there could've been a layover. I think. Why did he erase our memories?"
"Because you humiliated him," Gust said, grinning. "I wasn't there personally, but I heard you guys made him look like a total idiot."
"I mean, that's not hard to do. And we're going to do the same to you!" Chrys declared to Visor. "What do you even want with gold and jewels and junk? I thought kidnapping ponies were more valuable to you dudes."
He got closer to the bars, smiling. "What's the rush, Chryssie? Everything has value to the right buyer. One man's trash and all that. We can do both. We can put one off for later."
Chrys folded her own hooves. "Why the griffons, though? And why is HE locked up with me?"
"Umm," Gust raised his claw. "I can answer that. I was gonna tell Dan and you guys. And, well, nobody else liked that idea."
She turned around to him. "You were going to tell us that the griffons were stealing from everyone? Why? You're a pirate. You love stealing things. You stole Dan's wallet like a dozen times. And got shocked for it."
"Y-yeah, I remember. Well uh, I didn't... I didn't like the idea of stealing from you guys. Again. I mean, I tried that already and... you bros are my bros. My... my friends," Gust said, a bit suppressed. He looked up at Chrys, almost meekly. "I didn't wanna upset you guys."
"Awwwwww," Chrys felt her changeling heart melt a little. She spread her forelegs out to hug him. "Our little pirate buddy!"
"They also weren't going to give me a cut, so-"
"Shut up and hug me, you idiot." She hugged him tight. He hugged her back as much as he could with his arms pinned to his sides.
"Th-the primary reason was friendshipfff, I meaff, if Danff anf youf wannaf gif me a awad-" Gust's beak was muffled by Chrys' affection. She was a tall, thin, changeling bug-mare but was also very cuddly when she wanted to be. Probably came from Fluffle Puff being her unofficial daughter/private snuggle monster.
"It's not complicated, sweetheart. Our organization controls things from the shadows. We kill, we steal, we manipulate but we prefer pulling the little strings rather than the big ones. We leave it to fools like your boyfriend to make all the noise," Visor said. He stepped into the shadow, the shade cast by one of the larger bars. "Dan passed on our generous offer... but the griffon royal family was far more receptive. Former Marshal Gust was one of the few who wanted to blow the whistle. So we locked him up here."
"Where's the stuff from our treasury? Why do you even need a Magical Griffon Gear-thingamabob if you control so much? And why do you steal Barro's fighters?
Visor sighed. He stepped out of the shadows, now as someone more familiar. And in a familiar voice, he said, "We still need materials. Can't do a job without the proper tools. The griffons were already building their own Magic Gear after they saw yours in action. Of course, they wanted theirs to be more about theft than destruction. As far as Barro's gunships are concerned, he actually stole the designs from a CIA project in the 80s called "Crossbow." Well, actually, he modified them and returned them to their original space-based platform, but we were pissed off enough at Val Kilmer ruining our demonstration. Still pissed off about that."
"I think you're all dumb," Chrys said. "And what happens when there's nothing left to steal? Then you go back to abducting and selling ponies?"
"See? That wasn't hard to figure out, was it? We have spies, sure but we still need manual labor. Grunts to do grunt work. Team Rocket would've been happy to provide, but Dan has proven far less-tolerant than we anticipated. So we're using the griffons now," Visor explained in her own voice. "All very simple. The simplest plans work best. Like a disguise."
Chrys looked up and down the disguise. It was good. Very good. "That won't work. Dan will see through your disguise."
Visor had somehow transformed himself into a copy of Chrys. "Oh, he probably will. But not from afar. The griffons will call the ponies and tell them we have you locked up in prison, which we do. And when you get your one free phone call, they'll hear everything we want them to hear. From me. Meanwhile, you'll be hear accruing more value until we're ready to sell you."
"You're an asshole!"
Pause. "Really? That language? And that's it?"
"Go to hell. You and all your shadow-spy-assassin-whatever dudes."
He smiled. It was weird watching her own face smile maliciously. "You know, we DID offer our services to Dan. Honestly, given the background of his friend's wife on Earth, it was surprising he wasn't of interest to the intelligence community before. But he turned us down. A pity."
She turned away from 'her.' "You're nothing like me. Don't try to sound like me. You just screw that up, too. So don't try to act ladylike; you just come off as a sleaze."
"I've been men and women of all ages for years. Kids, adults, elders. I was once the wife of a prime minister for more than a decade."
"I said LADYlike. There's more to being a lady than just being female," Chrys said. "Guess they didn't teach that at assassin elementary school."
Visor walked towards the cage. He put his changeling-disguise hooves on the bars. "They taught us about leverage. Knowing how far people are willing to go... what they will and won't do. That's invaluable. Secrets, affairs, limitations, requirements. That's the kind of information that's worth money to us. A lot of money. So... would you like to know where the rest of your changelings are?"
Chrys' eyes popped open. She couldn't hide her astonishment, the shock. Or maybe the fact she'd somewhat forgotten about the changeling horde she'd been separated from after the Canterlot wedding. So much had changed. The last changeling she'd seen was Shifty and he'd said,
"You're not our mother," Visor said.
Chrys turned to him. "You're a changeling?"
He didn't answer. He stared at her for a long time before finally saying, "I was. Just another drone. I would've been relegated to the background, forgotten after the attack, or lost in a pointless battle, just another random-"
*BRANG*
"Oh gawd, that took you long enough."
"I'm sorry, but, he WAS looking right at us the whole time," Gust said. While Visor, whoever and whatever he/she was had been explaining, about to go into a sad backstory monologue, Gust had pickpocketed the cell key from him. After that, he opened the door and slammed it into Visor's head, knocking him out.
"So much for him selling us. I wonder how much I would've gone for..."
"I'm sure you're worth your weight in feathers," Chrys said. "Now c'mon. Let's get back to Dan and the others." She threw Visor in the cell and locked it behind her.
"Wait!" Gust said. "What about my crew?"
Chrys rolled her eyes. "Fine, we'll free them, too. THEN we get back to Dan."
"Wait!"
She grabbed him by the wrist. "Stop doing that. We're going."
"So we're not going to sabotage their griffy gear? And the crossbow gunships?"
Chrys smiled. "If we did that, Dan would complain we were robbing him of all the fun. And there's been enough theft for one day."
Group by group, Chrys and Gust freed the captive griffons. Most of them were members of Gust's pirate crew, veteran raiders, fliers, mechanics of various ages. They were a motley group, but loyal to Gust; at the end of the day, their sky marshal took care of them, and they remembered that fact. Others freed were dissenters, protestors, reformist griffons that had been imprisoned for decades. It seemed a bit odd to Chrys.
"I have to ask, Gust."
"Shoot."
"Are any of these birds we're freeing like... actual criminals?"
Gust stared back at her, wide-eyed. "Uhhhh...?"
"Where do you keep griffons that don't fit in with society? Like, murderers, arsonists, lunatics?"
"Uhhh...?"
Chrys nodded slowly, beginning to understand. "Right, that should've been obvious, I guess." One of the griffons they'd just freed happened to run back by them, a light orange female with a yellow head. "Hey, could you wait just a minute?"
"Not really."
"Hang on, just- what were you locked up for?"
"I told the king to eat a dick," she said. "I've been in prison for six years."
"But, you're like, sixteen."
"I'm fifteen," she said.
"Damn, that's... yeah, you go. Get out of here."
She looked at Chyrs for a brief moment, said nothing and left.
The prison was actually the oldest building in Lavertica. The griffons had an odd history with theft and crime. Originally, theft was punished harshly. The cliff-dwelling griffons strung heinous offenders up by the neck, let them hang for all to see so all would know the consequences. But the nature of griffons was something that was hard to control. The world, being what it was, had different plans. Hanging griffons, keeping them in birdcages between the great pillars grew and grew, until the criminals began to outnumber the citizens in the cliffs and rocks. The cages grew more numerous and larger until they were a hanging island unto themselves.
Thus, the hanging city of Lavertica was born. Centuries had fed its growth, as well as legends and rumors surrounding it. Tales of hidden treasure, stories of how the real royal family was locked up or could trace its lineage back to the first prisoners. Entire families had been locked up; it was partially a penal colony because many griffons just did not want to deal with all the criminals. Despite the cages and bars, the most effective(and most corruptible) security were the prison guards, who usually used nets, ropes and smoke bombs to subdue escapees non-lethally.
Times changed and the thieves began to run things. Pardons were given to the more 'exceptional' pirates. Now, piracy was part of griffon society.
Floor by floor, they freed the griffons. They assembled at the bottom of the prison, where the birdcages dropped from the floors above and were raised to the appropriate level when filled. All the griffons in Gust's pirate crew stayed for Gust and Chrys, and even a few other prisoners that had nowhere better to go.
"Alright," Chrys turned, looking out at all the pirates assembled before her. "...Crap, I don't know what to say. I'm not good with like... leadership stuff."
"Didn't you used to be a queen?" a griffon in the front row said.
"What do you mean "used to?" Chrys snapped. "I've almost got my own kingdom. Probably a good bit more than the trinkets you've gotten from not-Jack Sparrow here."
"Chrys," Gust took her hoof with a claw. "Ima have to ask ya to dial it down a notch or a dozen."
"...Alright, I'm sorry."
Gust cleared his throat and stood up. "Listen up, lowlifes! We're getting outta here. Our ships are still docked, the stations haven't changed, so Clutch is taking the Rage, I'm taking the Yes and... I guess Becky and Chelsea have the What."
The two "BFF" griffies exchanged a glance. "Wait, so we have to SHARE a command?" "Screw that, Gust, I'm stealing my own ship." "Oh, like you're going to find a better ship than a carrier, Chelsea." "I could find a better ship with my eyes closed!"
"Girls," Chrys stopped them, "shut up. Gust, I'm gonna take the third ship back to Equestria. We need you to take the other two and find where that Griffon Gear went and what it's next target is."
"Um," Gust raised a talon, "I already know that. Those... both. Both those things."
Chrys turned to him. "Wait, how do you know that if you were locked up? Why would they tell you?"
Gust averted her gaze, looking away just a bit. "Well, I can... kinda be pretty sure where they're going next. And what there target is."
Rubbing her chin, Chrys was beginning to catch on. "You're acting like this should be obvious."
With a shrug, Gust confirmed what she thought. "I mean, there's only one real target that would be of interest to that many griffons. And that we'd need this much firepower for, and this many raiders, and why secrecy is so important, and why-"
"What. Is. The. Target. Gust?" Then, Chrys' eyes went wide. "Wait..."
"Well," Gust swallowed. "It's..."
Northern Equestria, Crystal Empire borderlands
Aboard Griffon Kingdom skyfortress New Libertalia
"This is Crystal Empire air patrol to unidentified vessel, please respond, over! Repeat, this is air patrol Crystal-"
"Cut that noise off. Aren't we supposed to be jamming communications?"
"Aw, awful sorry, sir. Thought you might've wanted to eh... mess around wit 'em a lil bit 'fore we rob 'em," the radio griffon said.
"Yes, you 'thought.' You'll know not to do that again, Crowsby," Gauss said. He leaned forward so that the radio operator could feel his breath. "You don't get paid to think."
Field Marshal Gauss von Gandering Ganderson De Guass, or just Gauss, was a silver-gray griffon that adorned himself in gold jewelry. He had a wide-brimmed hat adorned with jewels and gold, had gold earrings, gold rings on his talons and gold necklaces hung around his neck. The only piece of jewelry that didn't contain gold was an eyepatch, recently placed over his empty left eye socket.
Grasping the top of his golden cane firmly, he pushed himself out of his command chair. "Distance to target."
"Twenty kilometers and closing." "Gunships report sightings by civil air patrol. No engagement yet."
"Crystal ponies? Crystal pegasi?" Gauss asked to clarify.
"Aye, sir."
The radio operator turned. "They're still trying to contact us."
"Let them. Let us see how long it takes them to guess our intentions." The crew chuckled at the comment. "Ready the guns! Deploy all raid squadrons! Tell them to be ready for a busy day, gentlemen, for today we take the biggest prize of them all: the Crystal Empire!!"
Cheers and light applause followed that announcement. Since its reappearance near the Griffon Kingdom's own borders, the Crystal Empire has been a tempting target for griffon and zebra alike. With a staunch alliance and membership into the greater Kingdom of Equestria, such hopes of easy conquest were dashed. But the allure of giant gems, shiny, glorious crystals and lights so bright they lit up the sky drew the griffons' eyes towards the Empire. Reality, however harsh, could not quash a dream.
And Gauss De Gauss was determined to make that dream a reality. The top griffon pirate before Gust Grasp, De Gauss was a master of using magnetism to steal things. Usually metal, but some gems were just as magnetic. Gauss intended to steal every gem the Crystal Empire had; he had a reputation to uphold... and to repair. There was a reason Gust was the 'pirate king' now and not him, and that reason had name: Daring Do.
Daring Do and The Sky-Thieves of the High Seas featured Gauss De Gauss as the villain, a role which De Gauss relished until Daring eventually got the drop on him. His original flagship, Ebony Talon, had been destroyed by Daring Do during the climax. Parts of the vessel were salvaged and converted into a passenger liner, on which Gauss spent quite a long community service sentence. That probably would've been his only punishment, but he would later appear as a villain in several Daring Do sequels. As with all Daring Do novels, they were based on true stories.
Gauss had been imprisoned in Bursavis among a gallery of other Daring Do villains. But, with the planet being reset, he and the other villains found themselves with newfound freedom. So why waste it?
Gauss ran his talons over his eyepatch. "This time... no meddlesome little Indiana Jones-wannabes to get in my way." As a final insult in their last battle, Daring smacked him so hard with an anchor that it broke his gem eye. The memory of the pain still burned, raging in his mind.
"Distance to target!!"
"Fifteen kilometers, sir!"
He sneered angrily. The skyfortress New Libertalia was the same size as Cloudsdale, but built for griffons out of brass pipes and ballasts. Like a steampunk Cloudsdale constantly leaking steam. It had originally been created out of a fit of envy over Cloudsdale by a few griffon scientists, but since became a mobile griffon trading port. Usually, it just traveled around griffon territories trading but now, it was being used to steal an entire Empire. Unfortunately, damn thing was slow.
Gauss scraped his talons on the wooden bannister of the command station. "Send the gunships ahead."
"Contact sir! We have a response."
Even as the radar operator said it, it was plain to see from the bridge. A ball of light shot up from the Crystal Palace and burst high in the sky. The sky momentarily took on the same violet color, and then a dome of magic appeared and encompassed the land. The Crystal Empire was protected by a shield spell.
"Ah, look at the little ponies and their spells. So cute. So quaint," Gauss remarked. "Deploy the machine. Burst their bubble."
"Acknowledged, Marshal. Alpha-one deployed."
The Griffon Gear was released from the skyfortress. Its head bobbed about for a moment as it adjusted its wings and got its bearings. The machine was covered with a hood when it wasn't in use or it would remain active. It sighted its target: the Crystal Palace. The gigantic metal griffon's engines roared to life and it jetted towards the shield at high speed.
The Crystal Empire was being invaded. But, due to the griffons' signal jammers scrambling the airwaves, the rest of Equestria had no idea. If they did, they probably would've sent help. Dan and friends all would've gone to rescue the Crystal ponies IF they had known. Instead, they were-
"And we just push them all off a cliff!" Dan declared. The rubber chicken hit the floor, squeaking. He'd been using it to represent the griffons.
Twilight, Spike and Phoenix sat at the kitchen table, their heads propped up by their hooves, claws and hands respectively. They weren't really paying attention; Dan's first plans were always just to gauge reactions anyway. They served to lay the groundwork of the real plans, and illustrate his immediate desires. By the time he got to the twelfth plan, it started to become more viable
However, there was someone new with them today. And he wasn't used to the way they did things.
"So this is a routine for you all," Kent stated.
"Yeah," Spike said.
"You'd be surprised how often it works," Twilight said. Once again, she was having difficulty with her dark magical form, and was now fully in the guise of her new alter ego, Nightfall. She caught her own reflection in the toaster, rolled her eyes and laid her head down again.
I give him props for enthusiasm, but I'm not fond of his plans, either. Much too violent and wasteful. Sure, it makes a statement, but it's a lot of energy, effort and destruction just to drive a point home with the griffons. Then again, I suppose he comes up with these grand and elaborate schemes because he doesn't have magic. Imagine if he did.
Nightfall's voice echoed in Twilight's mind. Her own voice, a bit darker, more sinister in tone, but still creative. Light and dark had to coexist, didn't they? So there had to be some good to come from it eventually. More focus with less inhibition. So long as those inhibitions remained in reality, so long as Twilight remained in control, everything was fine. Everything... was fine.
"You don't like the cliff idea?" Dan asked them all. Spike sighed, Phoenix bobbed his head, Twilight's upper lip twitched. Kent was imperceptible in his armor, as usual.
"I like the irony," Phoenix said. The others looked at him, and he immediately winced. "I mean, cliff-diving birds and... cliffs. It's uh... okay, yeah, please continue, Dan."
"Okay," Dan flipped over the chalkboard. "So this is a similar plan. First, we get a bus, and then-"
*Vrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*
"What the hell is that?" Fluffle dislodged from the ceiling along with her children. Dan caught one of them, a lazy orange philly-puff named Flopple. She liked to laze around and sleep a lot, when she wasn't eating.
The kitchen cabinets began shaking. The silverware in the drawers began shaking. The toaster shook and flipped onto its side.
"The whole house is shaking!!" Spike yelled, instinctively getting under the table.
"Earthquake! Plan E, everybody!!"
"There's never been an earthquake in Ponyville," Twilight said. "That wasn't caused by a Octavia or something. This is something else!"
"I don't care what it is! We either stop it or we find out how well the library holds up in an icemaker! Outside, everybody, now!"
The gang burst out of the backdoor and immediately spun around. Though it was day, they were in the shade of something, something big.
"Oh dear gawd."
"PONE. DEPOT!" Shouted Dan. A Pone Depot construction crane towered above them. It was a bright orange crane all the way from cab to boom to hook, with the paint scuffed slightly in a few places giving it that frequently-used look. Like everything else with Pone Depot, it was rugged, tough in every sense of the word and built for power and performance. Tools to shape the world. And, as the machine lifted its mighty boom, they all realized that it was lifting up only one thing.
"MY ION CANNON!!!!!!!!!!!"
With a distinct 'pop,' the crane yanked the spherical ion cannon out of its housing atop the tree. At the same time, pegasi all around the tree in orange hardhats and orange Pone Depot aprons removed other things.
"Are they-"
"THEY'RE TAKING... MY... SECURITY SYSTEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Dan yelled and burst into a run at the crane. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" And proceeded to rip it apart with his bare hands. Unfortunately, or fortunately, being such a sturdy crane, it was immune to Dan's harassment and so the angry human could do little more than scratch at the machine as it hoisted his artillery.
Meanwhile, some one from Pone Depot flew down to talk to the others.
"You're the property owners? You live at the Golden Oakes Library?"
"Yes," Twilight approached. Despite her appearance, the supervisor pegasus was completely unfazed. "But the library's not private property."
"Yeah but the Galvanized Electronic-"
"Just call it the security system," Spike suggested to save time.
"Right, that, was purchased on a payment plan and unfortunately, you're in default."
"Smooth, Nick. Real smooth," Spike said, the sarcasm heavy.
"Oh hey, Phoenix Wright. My kids are huge fans of yours. Just preordered the new game." Behind the supervisor, Dan continued futilely assaulting the crane, bouncing all over it in a cartoony fashion, biting at it with his teeth and the like.
"Oh, uh... thanks," Phoenix blushed. Glares from Twilight, Spike, Fluffle and the Fluffspawn all urged him to regain his composure. "A-anyway, we received no notice of default."
"Wow. Really?"
"Yes," Phoenix said. "We received no written notice of any payment plan, no warning, no message or attempt of contact before repossession. According to the contract with Pone Depot, notice of action must take place before any form of seizure can occur, especially that which modifies an existing structure."
"Dang. That's really inconvenient."
Phoenix nodded. "Yes, yes it is. So, I'm afraid you and your coworkers here are engaged in a clear violation of our existing agreement. Pone Depot is clearly in breach of contract here."
The stallion rubbed his hardhat. "Wow. That really sucks. I had no idea."
"So will you tell your men to stop?"
"Nope."
"Why. NOOOOOOOOOTTTT?!!!!!!" Dan yelled from behind.
The Depot Stallion shrugged. "I'm actually with the repo company, Pone Repo. We just work with Pone Depot when we need a crane and safety gear."
"PONE REPO????!!!" Dan yelled again. "THAT'S NOT... THAT'S NERRRRGG...NERRGAABALAGRRRRERRVRAgablahahahallerrr..."
"I think he's broken," Kent said.
"Took the words outta my mouth, goldie," Spike said.
"SPIKE! ICE!!" Dan shouted. "ICE... LOTS OF ICE!!"
"I got it," Twilight said. One good thing her dark magic was able to do is conjure up lots of things very quickly. Four bags of ice spawned in midair in Twilight's new dark magic aura. Dan began boxing them like they were punching bags.
"He should be good for a few minutes," Twilight said.
"We can't even go back into the house for those few minutes," said Spike. "Because it's being repo'd." Was he a bit disappointed, a bit sad or just a bit tired of this schtick? Yes. Yes, he was.
But the schtick went on. "Actually, we're done," the lead Repo Pone said. "Have a nice day." He flew off, leaving them with that last comment. "Have a nice day," about the only thing left they could have after the security system was repossessed. The kind of heartless, emotionless, uncaring bureaucratic response that only someone working for a ruthless, tyrannical, unilateral authoritarian governmental regime could have... or customer service.
The crane, the repo ponies, they all left with the parts and pieces of the security system.
"So what do we do now?" Spike asked.
"Don't we still have all the other defense weapons on the moon? And in space?"
"The satellite grid is still being repaired. As of right now, both interstellar and interdimensional defense capabilities are severely compromised," Kent stated matter-of-factly.
Dan grabbed the armored man, his knuckles red from the ice. "Give it to me straight, Kenty... what's our earliest effective response time to outside threats now?"
"To deploy an effective countermeasure?" Kent asked. Dan nodded, eyes watering. "About twenty minutes."
"AAAaaaahhhhh!" Dan bawled. "Twenty minutes no! NOoooooooo-hhuh-huhhahahhhaaaaaaaaaaaa..."
"Come on, guys," Twilight said. "Let's go back into the house."
"Nooo-ho-hoooooo I wanna get revengeeeeeeee!" Dan cried. Using her magic, Twilight dragged him by the ankles back inside the Golden Oakes Library. What was left of it, anyway.
The inside of the Golden Oakes Library was surprisingly intact after the repo ponies were done with it. Actually, the library looked entirely like it had before Dan and the gang spent all that time renovating it.
"This... doesn't look all that bad, actually," Spike said. "They left all the furniture and the t.v."
"They only repossessed the security system," Phoenix said. "Every part of it. So-"
"EVERYTHING'S GONE BACK TO THE WAY IT WAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS!!" Dan cried. "The house is defenseless from all the deranged maniacs out there-"
"What about the ones in here?" Spike grinned.
"-and I'm back to being a loser with no power to do anything about it! EVERYTHING IS BACK TO WHERE IT STARTED WHEN I GOT HERE!!!"
"Awwww," Twilight patted his back. "But you're a noble now. You're a member of the royal family of Equestria."
"With almost the same rank and privileges as Blueblood," Spike added.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-HAAHAAHAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuugh," Dan cried even louder.
"They left the cucumber-citrus water dispenser," Phoenix said.
"AAAH-HAAAAHAAAA-HAAAAAAA..." still angrily crying, Dan slumped over to the dispenser, grabbed it with both arms, slumped to the floor still gripping the base and drank right from the tap. "ULLGLA-ULLGLA-AAHGLLA-ULLL-"
"...As painful as this is to watch, what are we going to do about the library?" Twilight asked. "If we're not able to get back the gold for the treasury..."
Dan sprung up, completely wet but otherwise okay. "We'll be fine. Chrys is gonna find our stuff, then we sneak in and teleport it out," he assured them. "IF Gilda doesn't contact us by her deadline, THEN we obviously will have to declare war and rescue them via all-out assault. And we have robots and nukes, so that won't take long."
Gilda had left to go find Chrys when she missed her check-in. She was hurrying, and claimed to know 'unofficial' griffon channels she could use to locate Chrys if needed, as not to jeopardize her cover. If Gilda missed her check-in, then Dan was going to send in an army, which he had authority to do now that he was a noble. Nobody wanted to resort to that, except Dan.
"What if they've melted down all the gold? Sold it off already or something else?" Spike asked.
"Hmmm," Dan rubbed his chin, nodding. "I get what you're saying, Spike. What if we need MORE money?"
"...That's not what I'm saying at all."
"Hold that thought," Dan bolted out the front door. Twilight, Spike and Phoenix exchanged knowing expressions, and slowly followed him. Kent remained in an armchair in the living room, reading the Ponyville Gazette. He didn't make a sound, didn't utter a noise, even his breathing could not be heard outside of his armor. Aside from the occasional turning of a page, the armored human was a quiet fixture in the library.
Outside, Dan had set up a table by the side of the road.
"I don't know where this is going, but I already don't like it," Spike said.
"Where'd Dan go?" Twilight asked. Phoenix was about to answer her, but the ringing of a fire alarm did that for her.
"Oh boy." The trio followed the ringing to the source: Festive Fracas's Fireworks Emporium. Dan stood just outside the entrance, leaning against the wall with his arms folded and a satisfied smile on his face.
"I know that smile," Phoenix said as they were jogging over to him. "You only smile like that when you've just committed some sort of horrible act."
"Against someone who deserved it," Dan said. "But no, not this time, Nicky. However, I DID come up with a scheme to get us our money back!"
All three of them sighed simultaneously, then asked, simultaneously, "What's the plan this time, Dan?"
"We're going to sell fireworks!" The alarm in the background was still ringing, and it filled the silence that would've otherwise been awkward following the announcement.
"You're going to sell fireworks?" Spike asked. He looked back over his shoulder. "On the side of the road?"
"Yes! What better place to do it?"
Twilight inhaled, then exhaled. "And where are you going to get these fireworks?"
"We already know," Phoenix said. (And I know he's going to tell us anyway.)
Dan beamed. "From around back. Festive Fracas will have no choice but to throw out all his wares now. And then, we-"
"You pulled the fire alarm, didn't you?" Twilight asked, unamused. VERY unamused.
"Yes," Dan nodded, still beaming. "And n-"
"And it triggered the sprinkler system."
"Ye-"
"And now Mr. Fracas is going to have to throw out all his fireworks because they're all soaking wet because you pulled the fire alarm."
Dan opened his eyes and stopped beaming. "Yes. You figured that out pretty quickly."
"And you're going to procure his damaged products, blow dry them with a hairdryer and resell them by the side of the road. Yes, Dan, it was quite easy to figure out," Twilight said.
"Oh. So you're okay with it?"
"NO! NO, I'M NOT OKAY WITH IT!!" Twilight yelled. But she quickly recomposed herself. "And I don't think Mr. Fracas is, either."
"What makes you say that?"
"Because he's standing right behind you."
Dan turned around. Festive Fracas, a close personal friend of Pinkie Pie, was a kind elderly pony that sold fireworks with his wife, Mrs. Fracas. Now, he stood, glaring angrily at Dan, his mustache and normally-spiked hair dripping wet.
"Ummm... hi."
"Hello," Mr. Fracas said. And he handed Dan a wet firework, then went back inside his building.
Dan held up the firework. "Uhh... the fuse is wet. What is this supposed to- *BAM*" It exploded in his face.
"What the heck was that?" Spike asked. "What kind of firework can explode with a wet fuse?"
"The kind with a remote detonator," Mr. Fracas' voice answered. "My invoice is attached!"
"Attached to what?" Twilight asked. Then, Twilight saw Dan. "Oh."
Dan pulled the receipt off his face. "Okay. Okay. I'll admit, not my best."
"How exactly was this supposed to get us money?" Phoenix asked. "There's not enough money in circulation for us to collect from travelers."
"Oh," Dan said. "Oh yeah. I... I forgot."
"You FORGOT?" Twilight asked. "So, you forgot and then you immediately came up with a plan that's not only stupid but also pointless?"
"Stupid and pointless but also illegal," Phoenix pointed out. "Not your best, Dan."
"I'M SORRY!" Dan yelled. "I'M HAVING A BAD DAY, CAN'T YOU TELL?!"
"Yeah, yeah... this sucks," Spike said. They gathered around Dan, pulled his blackened behind off the ground, dusted him off and patted him on the back.
"It's alright, Dan," Twilight said.
"Yeah. How about we go to Sugar Cube Corner and get some ice cream?"
"Yeah!" they all said. "That sounds great!"
And outside Sugar Cube Corner, they were all reminded that-
"SUGAR CUBE CORNER IS CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSEDDD!!" Pinkie yelled.
"How long has she been doing this?" Twilight asked Mrs. Cake.
"Well, let's see... today's Tuesday..."
"Saturday."
"Right, Saturday," Mrs. Cake continued. "And we closed last month, so, since then. Since last month."
When Equestria was magically resurrected by the Genesis-2 Device, everything was magically reset. The land, the sea, the sky, the entire planet to the core, all the buildings and structures, roads and railroads, even magic itself was all reverted back to the state it had been three years prior, back to when Twilight first arrived in Ponyville. All with the exception of two places: the Golden Oakes Library, which had been relocated to the moon's surface, and the Crystal Empire.
Having disappeared for a thousand years, the crystal ponies were still in many ways playing catchup to the rest of the world. With the devastation and reversion that took place, along with the general shock and reeling that accompanied such events, the Crystal Empire was poised to be a point of stability in the new Equestria. By virtue of being stored in the Crystal Heart during the catastrophe, the Empire had been immune to the effects of the magic. Whether conscious of it or not, they were fully able to take advantage of this new situation.
The griffons, however, were not about to allow it.
The Griffon Gear shot right at the shield, cutting through the skies. Its talons glowed red like Sword Spells. When it reached the shield, it dug into the magic bubble, tearing it apart like it was made of thin plastic wrap. Then, another spell added to it. And another. And another.
Shining Armor, Sam and Flash Sentry added their own magic to bolster Cadence's shield spell.
The Griffon Gear's eyes leveled and excess steam shot out its back, the equivalent of a frown and sigh. The machine rolled up its sleeves, tilted its head to the shield and pressed its claw into the bubble.
"Try to the left! The left!" "Hrrrrrggg." "No, the OTHER left."
Rotating its claw like it was cracking a safe, the Gear found the resonant frequency the shield spells were operating on. And because Shining and Cadence at least are confirmed Star Trek nerds in this universe, the Griffon was able to use that to bypass and lower the shield spell. Its claws unscrewed a hole in the shield and popped it open. The discarded piece of shield fell and shattered like glass on the ground below.
"That's it! We're in!" De Gauss announced. "All units, charge! Plunder it all, leave nothing behind!!" He turned, took his seat in the gilded command chair and leaned back. "Bring the first haul right to the bridge."
The griffons swarmed in through the hole in the shield. The first wave of gunships were right behind them. Not really 'gunships' any more with most of their weapons removed; most of the arms and armaments had been discarded for hull space. Without their torpedoes, missiles and other guns, the griffon gunships had more room to hold treasure, which was the most important thing for the pirates. The more they could carry, the better.
The Crystal Empire had many shiny buildings, many shiny targets, many things that either were made of complete gems or at least looked like gems. The griffons took it all. Crystal ponies fled, evacuating buildings and structures as griffons literally ripped off the roofs. Those ponies that remained were dumped out on the street or captured themselves, hoisted away in nets.
"Wait, this isn't a real store! We just sell your stuff on EHay!" Alas, the protests of crystal business owners fell on deaf ears. Or ones too greedy to hear anything but the sound of cha-ching.
"Not the Starbucks! Not the Starbucks!!" Then, the griffons took the Starbucks. "NOooooooooo!! We didn't even have to ponify it..."
While the griffons did work quite fast, the empire was quite vast. Crystal guards were able to rally towards the middle of the city.
"Fire!!"
Catapults launched exploding spheres of crystals at the griffies, to little effect. A couple of griffons were caught off guard and crushed by the counterattack, but this only drew the attention of the gunships.
One of the gunships opened fire with its cannons and scattered the crystal ponies manning the catapults. The catapults themselves were fragile and broke to pieces under the gunship's fire. The Crystal Empire was still lacking in the defense category, one of the traits that made it easy for then-King Sombra to take over. Even with additional guards from Equestria, the Imperial Crystal City covered a vast area of land in the Equestrian northwest. The city alone was larger than any other in Equestria, easily dwarfing Manehattan, Pittsbuck and other large cities. Indeed, the Crystal Empire was very much a city-state.
The griffons were going to have to make multiple trips. Still, the greedy birds looted with undo glee and little resistance.
The first batches of plunder were brought before Marshal De Gauss himself. "Hmmm. Decent cut, decent purity," he said, examining a large gem through a jeweler's eyepiece. He then chucked it back at the griffon that dared present it to him. "But you can do better than decent!"
"Yes, sky marshal." Bowing his head, the flight lead looter backed away.
"And the rest of you... what do I pay you people for?!"
"You don't pay us-"
"Get busy! Be diligent or I'll toss every last one of you overboard!" De Gauss yelled.
"How does that work when we can fly?" the assistant navigator asked.
The navigator then had his wings, beak and limbs bound and was tied to a spare cannonball.
"Any more questions?" The navigator rapidly shook his head at the marshal. "Good. Bring me more loot! Don't stop until this great glass bauble of a country no longer shines! I want it all!" He sat back down in the command chair.
The New Libertalia continued its work. The literal flying fortress positioned itself over the Crystal Empire and dropped as low as it could. It was hard on the craft's combination of engines and ballasts, as was the increasing amount of loot it was forced to carry, but the griffons knew the oversized craft's capabilities. Too many griffons had learned the price of overloading an airship and left with nothing. A griffon losing their loot to something so silly, that was a disgrace.
Still, the process of stealing an Empire's worth of jewels and treasures was a slow process. Too slow for Gauss De Gauss.
"Lower the tethers! Start pulling up the buildings."
"Sir, our orders are just to pillage in this run."
De Gauss looked down at the helmsman.
"Lowering cargo tethers and heavy platforms!" "Standby on the primary winch."
One day, Gauss thought, one day they would scour the stars in search of treasure. They'd build colossal vessels just like this one and carve entire planets to pieces, crack them wide open. Like eggs.
Down below, the griffons began attaching cables to the ground. Many of the buildings were made of gems, or had plenty of gems in them. Either way, they ripped them right out of the ground. The Griffon Gear dug into the foundations of the very Crystal Empire itself. Teams of griffons dug, bolted and hoisted structure after structure up onto the airships, gunships and flying fortress.
One of the Crystal Ponies actually managed a very successful eyeglass store. His lenses weren't made of crystal, but the griffons didn't care. He returned to work from lunch to see his shop being lifted away.
"What the hell is this? A ripoff of "Up" or something?" He got so angry he accidentally stumbled and dropped his glasses. "Gagh, no!" Unfortunately, the lenses shattered. "No... no, it's not fair. There was time now. All the time in the world..."
"Clarence, you switched to contacts last month. They're in your back pocket."
"Oh. Thanks, honey."
The looting of the Crystal Empire continued unabated. The Crystal Empire itself had not been physically present on Equestria three years ago; it had vanished. Now, it seemed like the same thing was happening. With nothing to stop the griffons, the Crystal Empire slowly disappeared again, but this time, it did so piece by piece.
The Griffon Gear grabbed the Crystal Palace itself with its mighty claws. Using all of its strength, it lifted the palace right out of the ground. It then promptly dropped it and the thing shattered into several pieces, but those pieces were easier for the griffons to carry so, it worked out for them. The crystal ponies, Sam, Flash Sentry, Cadence and Shining Armor were forced to watch from afar as the griffons stole their kingdom.
Broke: The Great Equestrian Depression Pt. 2: Unbearable
Life in Equestria became substantially harder. Attacks on Ponyville became more frequent. Renegade human criminals like Team Rocket, the weird Sith assassins and the Shadowbolts forced them to remain on high alert at all times. Several unicorns banded together and created a shield to protect the town, while the walls and sonic emitters set up by Vinyl Scratch prevented stealth incursions. Gust's griffons helped keep a round-the-clock vigil of Ponyville, Canterlot and Cloudsdale. Fortunately, it was enough to keep them safe.
Other towns and what was left of the Crystal Empire did the same. When ponyfolk traveled, they did so with either unicorns and their magic to protect them or they flew as fast as they possibly could. Those were the only real options. Everypony had to adapt to the new reality of survival being the priority. No new buildings, no new businesses, a lot more tents and makeshift houses. Although there were no food shortages, no problem clean water, there was a lack of something equally as vital: progress.
"Hi Rarity."
"SUGAR CUBE CORNER IS CLOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSED!!" Pinkie's voice echoed from down the street. Yes, she was continuing to wail about Sugar Cube Corner. You can set your watch to it. If you can afford a watch, that is; Ponyville can't.
"Hello darlings," Rarity said. Outside Carousel, she and Sweetie Belle were showing off their latest fashions for the season, freshly-made and hanging on racks for all to see. "Would you care for a blanket?"
"No thanks," Twilight said. At the very least, she was no longer in Nightfall mode and was back to her regular Twilight form.
"I'll take one."
"No, Dan," they all had to stop him.
"But-but-buuuuuuuuueehehhhhh!" He reached for the blankets but was restrained by Twilight's magic, plus Phoenix and Spike holding back his limbs.
Rarity smiled. "It's nice to see at least someone appreciates my work. With such the state that it's in." Her eyes were sad and apologetic, but with the effort of gladness, at least. It was all taking more effort than usual. The Equestrian fashion industry, tied with baked goods and pet supplies for its largest industry, was one of the casualties of the economic crisis. No new fashion shows meant no new fashion designs. Carousel Boutique had to be repurposed to mass-produce and distribute blankets, sheets and canvas for tents.
"No, he wants your blanket to burn things with," Phoenix said.
Rarity nodded. "I know, Nicholas. It's still nice. For next time, Dan, this Zebra-buffalo cotton hybrid burns the best and it's easiest to store."
"It also has a very lovely pattern and a low flashpoint, comparatively."
"Even the smoke makes a nice pattern!" Sweetie added. She had the day off from the CMCGB(Cutie Mark Crusaders Ghostbusters).
"SUGAR CUBE CORNER IS CLOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSED!!"
A burst of magic rose up into the sky and exploded. The shield surrounding Ponyville was replenished, as it had to be periodically.
They moved on from Carousel Boutique. Dan, Twilight, Phoenix, Spike and Kent were making their rounds. Chrys, Fluffle and the horde of flufflapons stayed at home. There wasn't much to do aside from visit and check up on things. Even though they were nobility now, Twilight and Dan enjoyed virtually no luxury different from any other being in Ponyville. Except, possibly easier access to other princesses.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack were working around the clock. Sweet Apple Acres had to produce enough food to feed all the new mouths and Cloudsdale had to keep producing water. The power company and unicorns were needed to maintain security, leaving non-critical components of society without much to do. Even so, things had to be maintained in shifts and they all had one. Dan, Phoenix and Spike kept the night watch while Twilight bolstered the shield from noon to, well, dusk.
There was no progress or advancement, research was scaled back into only the most crucial of areas. Instead of lessons on friendship, there were lessons on survival, taught repeatedly and harshly. Even though the zebras had gifted Equestria with a massive amount of land, it was now useless because of the economic crisis. There were initial thoughts of trying to sell it to the griffons but it would've been worthless to them, too. And now, there was no one who could develop said land.
Some ponies even talked of going to war against the griffons. But even Dan had to realize that would've been a fruitless endeavor(aside from revenge). The griffons had purchased extra defenses with their wealth and with their own Magic Gear, they could fend off even Equestria's best projected conventional attacks. It was a reality they all had to face.
Yes, they were all adapting to the new standard. But some were having difficulty adapting. Dan and friends were about to pay one of them a visit now.
"NOOOOOOOO PLEASE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEAAASE!!!"
"Oh boy," Twilight said. They approached Discord as he stood, back towards them, quite bewildered at what he saw.
"THIS is the noise complaint?" Dan asked. He looked back to town. "All the way out here? There's no way-"
"PLEEEEEASE! WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK!!!!!!!"
Dan rubbed his ears. "Okay, then. I get how that can reach that far."
With the recent cutbacks in supplies and services, not all were able to keep the same standard of living they had enjoyed before. It was extremely unfortunate. Some larger families had to split up a bit, which for some, was nearly unbearable. For Fluttershy, it was completely unbearable.
"NOoooooooooooooooooooooo...!" Fluttershy moaned. Outside her cottage, her various creatures and critters had all packed their bags. They all had various needs, special needs in some cases, and Fluttershy was only one mare. Even a very giving mare such as her couldn't accommodate all of their requirements, which were extensive even for pets. Her birds Ray, Cay, May and Rodney needed regular allergy medication, the gerbils Gil, Bert and Sullivan needed specialized toothpaste and Monty, her python and the Cobra Commander(again, just a cobra named Commander) needed training for their stand-up comedy career.
Some of them had to get jobs. Harry was one of them.
"Arrarroo-ra," Harry the bear said in bearish. "Arr-ra." He patted Fluttershy on the head. He was probably thanking her for the chiropractic therapy she'd given him. He had mild scoliosis but was making great improvements with Fluttershy's treatment.
Fluttershy nodded, picking herself off the ground. "I... I understand, Harry."
"Rarrar-ra-ra-ra."
"I've learned a lot from you, too. I'll miss you."
Harry smiled, leaned down and kissed her. He adjusted his hat, grabbed his briefcase and headed off. Just as he passed Dan and the others, he waved good-bye. "Rar-rar-aa-ra-ra."
"Thank you!" Fluttershy waved.
Dan and friends plus Discord approached Fluttershy. She dried her tears.
"What did he say?" Dan asked.
"I'll be home around seven," Fluttershy said. "He's such a sweetheart."
Dan turned back around and did a double-take. "Wait, so he's not leaving?"
"He just now left, Dan. That happened." Her other friends were quick to console her, but not Dan. And oddly enough, not Discord either.
"But he's coming back!" Dan protested. "I thought you were having this emotional outburst because your animals were all leaving you!"
Fluttershy sniffled. "Why would they leave?"
"I. DON'T. KNOW. You were crying, they all had their bags packed, I think that turtle had a train ticket-"
"For Manehattan. He's applying for a management position at Denny's."
Spike elbowed Phoenix. "Hope he's not working the register."
*laugh track*
"AAAAAARGH," Dan growled. "You're upset because your animals are getting... jobs?!"
Fluttershy nodded. "I worry about them so much. I barely had time to pack them all lunch."
Dan balled his fists. He shook with rage, it boiled inside him up past his eyes, all the way to the end of his hair. He raised his fists and shouted, "AAAAAAarrrrggagade-bleh," and then it fizzled out.
"You're not gonna do a shout, Dan?" Twilight asked.
"I CAN'T AFFORD TO DO ONE. Come on, let's go back to the town. I wanna buy a blanket."
"Dan-"
"NOT TO BURN THINGS WITH."
Twilight caught up to him, leaned down and added, "Or to strangle, whip, choke, rug-burn, beat or otherwise maim anyone or anything with."
"Fine, just go take the fun out of everything."
"SUGAR CUBE CORNER IS CLOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSED!!"
Discord looked around. "Am I going to get to say anything? What, is Discord best background pony now? Why was I even here?"
"Would you like to come inside, Discord?" Fluttershy asked.
"I really should get back to the mayor's office. Interim mayor, and all that."
Timidly, she looked up at him. "For some coffee?"
Discord stopped. "A...ah. THAT'S why I'm here. Sounds great!" They both entered the empty cottage together. They had it to all to themselves until seven that night. This was another way ponies adapted to the depression; without money, there were fewer ways to keep themselves busy.
"I wasn't going to suggest that!" Dan protested. "We're not THAT desperate, I mean, c'mon!" He quickly drew lines through something a notepad. "Anyone else got any ideas?"
The Golden Oakes' kitchen was once again being wracked by a brainstorming session. They would've used the living room but they didn't have the benefit of a table and stuff to write on. Also, Dan tended to get bored and watch t.v., which he considered crucial to the idea-making process... whenever he didn't like what everyone was suggesting.
"You know, I've been looking it over," Phoenix said, "and it appears that technically, prostitution ISN'T illegal in Equestria."
"Nicky, Twilight already shot down the brothel idea. Why would you suggest it again?!"
The lawyer held his hands up defensively. "I-I'm just saying it's not technically illegal."
Dan shook his head. "You are a sad, desperate, poor excuse for a human being sometimes, Nicky."
"OBJECTION! YOU brought it up first, Dan!"
"And I am a sad, desperate, poor excuse for a human being MOST of the time, Nicky."
Chrys raised her hoof. "What's a brothel?" she asked. And her answer came in the form of Spike, who immediately leaned over and whispered an answer. "Ohh. Ohhhhhhhhhhh."
"The princesses have been talking," Twilight said. "Our only solution may be to create a new value standard for Equestria. Instead of having gems and bits, we might have to use notes exclusively. Or some sort of credit system." She sighed heavily. "And to implement it successfully, we'll have to start small with tests in small communities, then gradually learn and build up from there. Until we can implement something at the national level that works."
Phoenix patted her on the back. "It's practical, at least. We'll be able to fine-tune things as we go and figure out what's best for everypony." (Why do I get the feeling this idea would get shot down on Earth?)
Twilight sighed again, nearly letting her head hit the table. "It's going to take months at least. Maybe years. And the Crystal Empire doesn't have that kind of time."
Chrys patted her back, too. "We can't change the past, Twilight. We'll help the crystal ponies. And your brother and Cadence. You know we will."
"Cadence is pregnant."
Silence followed. Twilight continued.
"My niece or nephew. Maybe more than one. Born into this... this version of Equestria that seems so broken. It just... makes me so depressed."
Another silence was about to follow, but Dan wasn't having it.
"Hey, no. We are going to solve this problem way before your sister-in-law is due. Wait, how long is pony pregnancy here?"
"Nine months."
"Nine months, plenty of time! Umm, she's not due soon is she?"
Twilight sighed heavily and her head drooped to the table. Dan grabbed her by the cheeks, refusing to let her sink into depression figuratively or otherwise.
"No no no no! Stop that. We're going to fix this. I did say I would, didn't I?"
"Yessh." Muffled, squished pony cheeks.
"Exactly. They're kid's going to grow up to be a dweeb in the RIGHT Equestria. This one, right here, fixed and flowing with cash and stuff. Everything'll be fine."
"You don't know the baby's going to be a dweeb, Dan," Spike chastised.
"The parents are both dorks, draggo, it's gonna happen. It's fate."
"Aren't we all nerds here?" Chrys asked.
Dan patted her on the head. "Yes, but you don't have to go announcing it. Does my shirt say "nerd" on it?"
"...It does not."
"UGGGH!" Twilight groaned and slammed her hooves on the table. "Everything is just... just... this all sucks! This all sucks, okay? I said it, it sucks. This situation, everything that's been happening with the kingdom, it all sucks. It sucks! It sucks and there's not even a single person to blame to put our focus on! GRRRUUHHGGH!"
"Calm. Down," Dan said. "And this is coming from me. Yeah, this is bad. But beating up the table is not going to help anything. I know, I need to vent sometimes, too. You want a bag of ice?"
"No... I want things to go back to the way they were. Would it be wrong to just beg the griffons for our money back?" Twilight asked.
"Probably wouldn't hurt," Phoenix said. "I can grovel pretty well in a tight situation."
Chrys rubbed her chin. "I don't think I've ever actually groveled before."
"Would you like some pointers?'
"THIS ISN'T HELPING. YOU DUMB DORKS. WHOM I LOVE," Dan said. He stood up at the table, braced against it... and ideas still did not come. His anger was becoming a block between him and new ideas. He kept going back to stabbing the griffons in his mind or blowing them up, cutting the city's foundations and letting it fall into the sea.
The Griffon Kingdom and specifically Lavertica, the capital, still held all the advantages. And they were growing, building on those advantages all the time. Their own Magic Gear meant that they could repel assaults from even the most formidable of pony weapons. Sure, the princesses could use their magic to destroy Lavertica, but it might destroy the planet in the process if they weren't careful. Many believed the planet was still in a fragile state after reforming.
And while Dan and friends had lost their security system, the griffons had purchased a considerable amount of security. Breaking in and stealing back their treasures was an increasingly dangerous proposition.
Dan's fists balled as he stood at the table. It began shaking the table top as he shook with rage. They all noticed it right away, the anger in Dan building up again. There was nothing he could direct it at easily.
"Do you need a bag of ice, Dan?" Spike asked.
Dan shook his head sharply. Slowly, his fists unballed and he stopped shaking. "I... I'm... I'm gonna go take a break. Break time."
"Not a bad idea," Phoenix said.
"Yeah, let's all just take a break. Sounds like a plan to me," Chrys said.
"At least one good idea came out of this," Twilight added. It wasn't her fault she was being so negative; not entirely, and they all knew it. Her connection to dark magic meant it was easier for negativity in general to be fed. Not necessarily good or evil, just another part of the natural world more accessible through magic. It was all about making connections and the energy created between them. Negative connections were still new to Twilight.
The gang moved into the living room to watch t.v. Kent was sitting in the spare recliner again, reading. Again.
"Are you planning on doing anything helpful?" Dan asked the armored space ninja. "You just going to mope around and pretend you're not Silver the Hedgehog with laser swords in Iron Man's armor."
"I thought guarding your life was helpful," Kent said. He didn't look up from the newspaper.
Dan pulled it down. "I mean helpful like with the financial crisis gripping the kingdom? We can't last like this."
"With proper resource management and consolidation, you can last quite a while. I'm tasked with protecting you, not your money or your property."
"BUT WHYYYYYYY? My money and my property are important!" Dan moaned. "You found out the griffons had it in the first place! So why even bother telling us where all our cash was if you're not going to do anything about it?"
"I..." Kent paused. "I had other matters to look into. The timing happened to be in my favor."
Eyes narrowed, Dan was now even more suspicious. "What exactly are you looking for here? Also, is it worth money?"
"No, it's- dammit." Dan had at least gotten the stranger to admit he was interested in something.
Dan had been strangely accepting of the mysterious swordsman from the stars calling himself Kentan. Despite knowing little about him, not even what he looked like underneath his armor, Dan appeared to like him right off the bat. In actuality, the reason for this was quite simple; Dan viewed him as the moody-but-tough character usually added to the fourth act of a story that has a personal grudge against the villain. Kent was certainly grouchy and violent enough to fit that bill, and the others gradually accepted that as well.
But he still had his mysteries... and his own personal agenda. That was something Dan needed to know more about.
"Whatcha lookin' for here, Kenty?"
Kent sighed. "Something very dangerous. A small orb with the power to... well, it would destroy this planet beyond your ability to repair it, potentially. It was a weapon developed a long time ago. We thought it was in the possession of someone equally if not more dangerous, but it's apparently somewhere on Equestria now."
"Small orb, huh? Pretty basic for a MacGuffin I guess. Hey," Dan rubbed his chin, "Twilight, didn't we-"
"Come in here to watch t.v.? Yeah, we did. I'll get it," she said, flopping onto the couch. Remote in her magical grip, she turned on the t.v. If there was one thing that could distract Dan, it was t.v.
"-increase in pie sales, despite the recent uptick in gang-related incidents. The mayor's office has not yet responded to this station's request for a comment."
"You ever notice we always turn the t.v. on when there's something important to watch?" Chrys asked.
"Nah," the rest of the gang went.
"It's not even important. Gang violence in Manehattan isn't news. It isn't really violent, either," Dan said.
Gang-violence in Equestria, and pretty much all street crime for that matter involved pies being thrown. It pleased Dan to have something so familiar to Los Angeles that was also completely devoid of harm and damages. Even gang symbols and graffiti were actually artistic and cute, because ponies. Fluffle Puff briefly ran with weeaboo pony gang, but quit shortly before meeting Chrys. Grove Squee 4 Lyfe.
The news program ended, and afterward was a slew of commercials.
"I remember seeing this ad last year," Phoenix said.
"Greetings from fabulous Las Pegasus! Your number-one destination for excitement in Equestria!"
"Ehhhrgg," Dan groaned. "OLD commercials are even worse than... current commercials." Equestrian broadcasting was running reruns of old shows and commercials to keep morale up. No new shows were being made, but they had plenty of reruns, thankfully. The only show being produced was my news broadcast, which for some reason, was also considered important for keeping morale up. Go figure.
"Well, at least it's something to watch," Twilight said, suppressing the slight nervousness she felt. "My family talked about taking a trip to Las Pegasus for my dad's birthday."
"A trip to Las Pegasus means fun for the whole family! Entertainment you won't find anywhere else, food, games and chances to win big!"
"Win...?" Phoenix said. He rubbed his chin. (I wonder if the casinos are still operating. Probably not with the lack of money the country's facing. Hmm...) His eyes narrowed, deep in thought. An idea was forming.
"Las Vegas, Las Venturas, it's all the same. Just a big city full of lights and gambling to lure suckers in to waste money. Which we don't even have," Dan said, putting his feet up.
"So come to Las Pegasus- we'll have you feeling lucky in no time!" *All gambling is subject to the Equestrian Royal Chamber of Commerce. Please play responsibly.*
"Too bad there's not a way we could win the kingdom's treasury back," Chrys said.
"Yeah," they all went.
"Nobody ever wins at those things anyway. It's all a scam," Dan said.
"Yeah," they all went again.
"And it's easy to get addicted to that kind of thing, too. Gambling preys on the greedy and desperate and those with a lot to lose. The house always wins for a reason," Phoenix said
"Yeah," they all said a third time. And then, they all collectively stopped. Their eyes went wide, and they slowly turned to each other.
And then, Gust entered the library. "Whassup, bros? Was just in the neighborhood and I thought y'all might wanna play some cards. Who's up for a game?"
Dan immediately got up from the couch. "Chicken sandwich, get all the griffons. And get all the cards you possibly can. All of them. If you can't find more, make more. And dice. Lots and lots of dice. And tables."
"Uhhh okay? Are you planning on some kinda big game or something?"
Gust's carriers landed on the ground around Ponyville. Many of the griffons that had been on them, many of them towing lines that kept the ships airborne, collapsed on the ground the moment the ships sat down. Exhausted, wounded, battered and bruised, not their wings nor their legs could keep them up any more. The three carriers were damaged nearly beyond recognition; their hulls were peppered with scorch marks and holes, flight decks littered with debris from explosives.
But the worst of their troubles and their wounded was still being unloaded.
"Where's the hospital? Which way?! Which way to the hospital?!"
"It's this way- follow me!"
"What the hell is this? What's going on?!" Dan demanded. Two of the carriers lowered what ramps they could. One of them, the ramps fell off completely. Griffons carried their wounded out, many in stretchers. The small infirmaries on the airships could not treat all of the wounded so they were offloading as many as they could. The only place that would hopefully get them help was Ponyville General Hospital.
Ponies helped the griffons. In large groups, the pirates made their way to the hospital. Twilight, Phoenix and Spike followed Dan, but it was clear Dan was looking for only one person.
"CHRYS! Where's Chrys- hey!" He grabbed a griffon. "Where is Chrys?"
"I think she was... she was on the bridge. With the-the marshal."
"Which bridge?!" Dan nearly shook him. He looked at each vessel. The command deck of the airships, of each airship, had been destroyed. "Which ship?!" He shook the griffon.
"Th-the Yes, she's on the Yes. All of My Yes, that one!"
Dan dropped him. He ran for the ship.
The once-proud carrier was in bad shape. Several of the decks had collapsed, the bulkheads failing. But Dan made his way through the debris and to the infirmary. That was where he found Chrys.
"Hi honey," she said weakly upon seeing him. Dan did not speak at first.
"Haaa... hi," Dan finally managed. He kept looking between her and the medical officer.
"She's going to be alright," the griffon medic said.
"Hooooohh..." Dan exhaled. He didn't realize he'd been holding his breath.
"It's pretty bad. She's lost a lot of blood, got some broken bones but we've got her stable now. I don't want to move her just yet, but I expect a full recovery."
Chrys was hooked up to half a dozen machines that Dan didn't know the names of. An oxygen mask was over her muzzle and her lower legs were in slings. Her wings were also broken, bent at horribly off angles than they should've been. She kept smiling at Dan, eyelids half-open, just happy to see him.
Dan nodded. Something brushed against his side and at first, he was expecting Twilight or one of the others. But it was Fluffle Puff.
"Hi sweetie," Chrys said. The fluffy pony made no noise. She simply approached the bedside and sat down. Chrys petted her on the head.
"You hear that? You're gonna be fine," Dan said. He rubbed the back of his neck. "They don't wanna move you yet, because uh, they're not quite uh-"
"I know, hon. I heard him just now."
"Right, uh... so you're gonna be okay. Uhh..." Dan looked around nervously. His neck strangely felt tight, and it wasn't from the smoke venting from the ship; the infirmary was well-ventilated.
"Do... do you need anything?"
She shook her head. "I'm fine, Dan. Thank you. I'm just going to get some rest now. We can talk later."
"Right," Dan nodded, "right." He felt like he was suddenly in a fog. Then, he felt like he might be getting sick. But the thought that she was going to make it, the medic's words that she'd be okay filled him. A mixture of shock, worry and relief all hit him so hard, building up within him like a liquid storm. He needed to steady himself and for a moment, felt like he might vomit.
And then, he steadied himself. Dan's muscles suddenly tightened. His breath became hot, dry and seething. The medic was turning around when Dan grabbed his shoulder hard enough to shock him.
"I-excuse me, I need to-"
"Who did this?"
The medic opened his beak, but mouthed confusion. "I... I don't know. I need to attend to the others now. Excuse me."
Dan did not release him. "Who DOES know?"
The curtain separating the next bed pulled back. "Hey Dan."
"Hey... bro."
Gust looked as bad as Chrys. "Yeah... I've been better, I can say."
"Who did this, Gust? Who or what?"
"The Shadowbolts, Dan. The Shadowbolts ambushed us. They definitely had some heavy firepower. We barely made it out intact," Gust said.
"The hell are the Shadowbolts? Wait," Dan remembered back. He'd been doing some reading lately. "The Wonderbolt knockoffs? From the pilot?"
Gust nodded. "Yah, those'd be the ones. They took out Star Wolf too, though, so-"
"Where are they now?" Dan asked.
The wounded griffon stared back at him quizzically. "You realize we've spent the last twelve hours trying to get our asses back home intact, right?"
Dan pinched his eyes closed, breathed through his nose a long inhale, then a long exhale. His breath was nearly steam. Another group of enemies, domestic ones this time, had made themselves known. Just now, of all times. They attacked without warning or provocation and were still at large. They were fast, dangerous and well-armed.
They had attacked his girlfriend. They had attacked Chrys.
He had to control himself. He had to. Too many unknowns, too many variables, not enough resources, not enough options. Too many wounded.
"Do you have any working weapons?"
"Uhh-"
"Anything on these toilet seats that's salvageable? We might not be out of danger, Gust, we might need guns."
"What happened to the guns on the library?" Gust asked.
"I don't wanna talk about it. Look, security over here... EVERYTHING in this town, this COUNTRY, has gone south and I mean like yesterday. We found out how bad it was yesterday. We are screwed. You were screwed."
"The Crystal Empire is screwed."
"The Crystal Empire is..." Dan stopped and turned. "What?"
"I guess I should explain."
Chrys was transferred to Ponyville General a few days later. She stayed there for a little over a week to recover. After that, she was returned to the Golden Oakes Library until she was fully healed. It was going to take a while until she was able to walk and/or fly again and Dr. Heartful told them it would be better for her recovery if she didn't use magic. So that meant she was largely bedridden and everyone else had to do stuff for her. Which would've been fine except one person wouldn't let them.
"No. NO," Dan yelled. "Nicer than that."
"How do you scramble eggs 'nicely'?"
Dan grabbed the whisk. "Like this, purple lizard. Like this. See?"
"I got it."
"Good," Dan nearly shoved the bowl of eggs and wire whisk back to Spike. "You're lucky we're not using dragon eggs."
"We can't afford dragon eggs," Spike retorted. "We're lucky we can afford these eggs."
It was a couple weeks now into the economic disaster. Already, newspapers were calling it the Great Equestrian Depression. Called the Great "Equestrian" Depression because like media sources on Earth, the media in Equestria acted like the Kingdom of Equestria was the only country that mattered/existed. Apparently, none of the idiots took their heads out of their asses for the five seconds needed to realize how asinine that notion was.
"Dan, uhh..."
"Bacon's burning," Spike said, not looking up from his task.
"NICKY!!" Dan rushed to the oven. "Nicky, you KNOW you have to watch bacon."
"Okay, to be fair, this is HAYbacon. I'm not exactly used to cooking bacon made of... hay." (HBLTs though, those are pretty tasty.)
Dan looked at the pan of bacon. Burnt beyond recognition, as black as the frying pan it was in. "Well, that's going in the garbage disposal." He dumped the pan of blackened crisps into Fluffle's mouth. She was having a big breakfast today.
"That was our last bit of bacon," Spike said. His voice held a note of slight lamentation behind it, the kind of lamenting one does when they're down to the last cookie in the box and mourn for the fact there's not more.
That was the state of every civilization on the planet, unfortunately. They were all tightening their belts. The collapse of the economy meant the collapse of infrastructure. Markets and stores were shut down, factories stopped working, crop farmers and mineral farmers alike stopped producing. Everything was scaled back to the bare minimum of production and that meant less luxury items like haybacon and more canned spahm, the hay-equivalent of spam.
"We still have plenty of canned food, thankfully," Phoenix said. "And I saved some of the bacon."
Dan looked at the pan. Some small burnt bits still clung to it. Fluffle rose up
"That's not bacon. That's not anything remotely near what bacon is supposed to be," Dan said.
"Something smells good," Twilight said as she walked in. Still in her dark form.
Spike stopped and turned around. "Uhh, I don't think you'll like it."
"Nah, I'll eat it." She levitated the pan to her, yanked the burnt bacon right out and ate it. "It's not bad. Good job, Nick."
"Tha... thanks."
Dan approached her, examining her dark form yet again. "So are you... stuck like that now?"
Twilight shrugged. "No... well, kinda. There's just, so much going on right now that it's hard for me to control my emotions. And my magic. And everything." She crunched the bacon. "This is actually easier to eat with the fangs."
"Wow, that's... not creepy at all.""
"Something smells good," Chrys announced upon entering the kitchen. Now, she and Twilight were the same height and roughly the same build. "Sup guys. What's cookin'?"
"Chrys!" Dan shouted, "You're supposed to be in bed! Sweetie, please, you're gonna make your condition worse!"
"Babe, it's fine. I need to get up and walk a bit anyway. Besides, I think I've rested long enough."
Dan rubbed his chin. "Well... wouldn't be the first time I've gone against a doctor's instructions. They say the human body doesn't need every bone it has anyway."
"You're missing BONES?"
"Wasn't talking about me," Dan said. "Long story short, that was the fourth time I was detained in Mexico."
"You get detained in Mexico a lot," Phoenix said.
"Mexico's a great place to find cheap explosives."
"You get detained in Mexico a lot for buying cheap explosives, then."
Dan turned around. "I said FIND cheap explosives. I didn't say anything about buying."
Phoenix nodded. "Ahh, so that's where that little-"
"Yeah, yeah that's where the fireworks stand idea came from. I may have been reusing an older plan. Less military-grade plastic explosives this time, though. Also I wasn't blown up last time, just you know, detained in Mexico," Dan said.
"So how are we going to get back our money?" Spike asked. "Fix the economy, also... get back the Crystal Empire from the griffons?"
Things had gotten worse for Equestria. But not the griffons. Aside from Gust and his battered crew, who were now outcasts and branded as traitors to the griffon kingdom, the rest of the griffons were living the high life. They melted down all the gold and jewels they had and transformed Lavertica into a gilded city of lavish luxury. The other races flocked to the outskirts of Lavertica, swelling the griffon kingdom with plenty of servants and therefore plenty of food and laborers.
"I uh... I don't know," Dan admitted. "I'm sorry, I got nothing for this one, gang. I'm just completely out of ideas." His shoulders sagged and he sulked. "I never was good with money. Not good enough to keep any for very long anyway!" He kicked the table leg. His foot hurt. "Ow."
"Well, maybe we should devote some time to it," Twilight said. "We could come up with a plan to get back at them. Together." In her dark form, Twilight was noticeably more sinister and upfront about things, lacking the restraint her regular form has.
"That's a great idea," said Phoenix. (And one we've had before, but optimism is a good thing.) "Let's just take some time to workshop this thing. I'm sure we can figure something out."
"I do like your enthusiasm. But first, I'm going out and get some more bacon."
"We can't afford any more haybacon, though."
"I said 'bacon,' not 'haybacon.' I'll be back in a bit. Also, the eggs are burning."
Twilight did not join the others immediately. They knew she was going through a difficult time of her own, they were understanding. They would always be understanding. Dan and the others were her friends, after all. They knew Twilight was getting through a rough patch. They knew Twilight would get through it soon. They knew Twilight was under a lot of stress and pressure. They knew Twilight would undoubtedly get through it, they knew she would, they knew Twilight, they knew Twilight, they knew Twilight, they knew... they knew...
Or did they?
She looked in the mirror. And she didn't recognize the mare that looked back.
"No... no. No. This can't... this isn't happening."
"Has happened. Will happen. Was destined to happen," the voice said. "Happened."
"I can't... I can't..." Her breath came in labored gasps. Was she having a heart attack? Her throat felt cold, each breath was like ice. She coughed. Clutching her forelegs around herself for warmth, she dared not grab her blanket to wrap around her. She dared not.
"You were always suspicious, weren't you? You never shut out any possibilities before. Why start now?"
"I am NOT her. I am NOT the Director," Twilight stated. She turned her back to the mirror. Everything was cold and yet, alive. Everything was alive, moving, seething, running, trickling like water droplets on her body but it really wasn't alive. It was the world. All the world and she felt it, life and death, real and not, unable to be shut out, unable to be denied, a pulsing, beating heart of a contradiction... the impossible. The impossible happening.
"This is just the beginning. You know-"
"Shut up. Okay? SHUT. UP," Twilight said. She was talking to herself. Both voices, her own and the voice of Nightfall, her dark form persona, were coming from her. She perceived both simultaneously, but the mirror had a third mare. A mare made of herself and Nightfall.
"It makes sense, doesn't it? The Director always seemed like more than one pony. It was us, both of us, the whole time."
"I'm going to get Luna. I'm going to get P-Pri-Princess C-Celestia. Sh-she'll help."
"This is a surprise to me as much as it is you."
She grabbed her head in her hooves, pinched her eyes closed. "I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU!! I'M NOT THE DIRECTOR!!"
"We're becoming the Director. Together."
"NO!!!"
"She had to come back. It was only a matter of time. Equestria came back and she came with it. This is how it all started... was destined to start. You and me, Twilight. I am your Nightfall... and your dawn is the Director."
She turned to face the mirror again, her eyes burning like purple embers. The glass was hit by a massive beam of magic from her horn, a twisted and jagged mauve beam that fractured the frame, fractured the mirror, fractured the reality and bent everything in and around it into a fabric so warped, it broke into other dimensions briefly. In a split second, she realized what she had done and reversed the spell.
Twilight gasped for breath again. Steadying herself, her breathing was heavy, hooves shaking, she gripped the bed. It was freezing. A robe draped down over her, one made from the broken pieces of the mirror, reconstituted and reconfigured into something useful. A simple spell. The only problem was-
She hadn't cast any spell. Yet her horn glowed all the same.
"Need some help?"
She spun. The fractal-impact in the fabric of space-time shifted, and exploded just behind the man in her doorway. It was Kent. He held his hand up, palm outward in front of him, as if catching the spell right before his face.
"You should've knocked."
"I apologize. I-" he slowly turned around, "thought I heard a... disturbance."
Reality slowly returned to normal. Perhaps seeing someone new was enough to quiet, or at least distract her inner demons for the moment. Maybe that was enough. She took a seat on her bed and pulled a blanket around her, but not over her head.
"Why are you helping... us?" Twilight asked. Her voice was cold and distorted. Yes, too much like the Director's. Too much like Cleo. Perhaps this was the way she chose to return. But maybe... "Do you know the Director? Cleo?"
Kent stepped forward. "I've heard of someone similar. From old stories. There was an old woman who hated the way things were, an outcast from two sides of a great conflict. She sought to destroy the galaxy, or at least change it, defy it for just a second. She lied and manipulated and betrayed people to get what she wanted, but in the end, another exile was able to learn from her. I think in the end, she might've gotten what she wanted."
"There must always be a Darth Traya."
"That does... that does sound like Cleo. But you didn't answer my question. My first question."
Kent sat on the edge of the bed. "Barro asked me to be here. So I'm here. I owe him... well, let's say I owe him a few favors."
"That's not much of an answer."
"Not everything is so complicated."
She turned to him. "You expect us to trust you. Dan may say he trusts you, but that's only because he thinks he can use you."
Kent folded his arms. "That appears to be the case."
"So you're fine with being a lackey, then? I don't buy that. What's really motivating you, Kentan? If that is your name?" She asked him. "You won't even show us your face."
He sighed. "There's not much to see."
"Maybe you really WANT things to be simpler than they are."
Then, he turned to her. "You want the truth? Fine. I was trying to rebuild a world. Yes, the green swordsman you saw is my former master. And my friend. He trained me for years and finally, I took the trials. I became a Jedi Knight on my own. He was deployed to Balmorra, I was sent to Taris. And on Taris... things changed."
"Go on. What changed?"
"I-" he turned back and forth, trying to suppress his irritation, frustration, stress. But sometimes, the easiest way to pry something out of someone was to do it quickly. "I made friends, I built houses, we worked together to rebuild the planet. And then I..." he trailed off. His head was raised. She couldn't see his eyes, but Twilight had to believe he was looking somewhere far away, somewhere in the distance.
"And then you?"
He grunted and got up. "Enough. You can accept that I'm helping you or not. To be honest, you need all the help you can get."
"I take it your efforts to rebuild the planet didn't-"
"I said that's enough. I'm not discussing this any more!" Kent said. "If you want to know what happened you... you can talk to someone else that was there. If you can find them."
"I'm sorry," Twilight said. When Kent raised his voice, it took some of Twilight's own negativity, satiated it. Negativity loves company, it would seem. It was enough for Twilight to get back in control again. "I hope you'll tell me on your own when you're ready."
He didn't say anything, just stood. Breathing.
"What I do know is this," Kent said. "The foes you face are tenacious. They have determination, resources and time. With those things, they can do anything. Where there is a will, there is a way."
"The planet's already been destroyed once. And rebuilt once," Twilight said. "This isn't Taris, Mr. Kent."
"It could be worse," Kent said back. "There are some things worse than death, worse than destruction. Agony, your highness. Unending, unrelenting, undying agony. Taris was one such world and Malachor V was another, transformed and twisted by pain and death into something so horrible it threatened to spread suffering throughout the galaxy. An aching wound, one that does not heal, the dark echo of something that should not exist."
"Wow," Twilight said. "That's pretty edgy." She almost snickered. Again, Nightfall's doing. Dan probably would've said the same thing.
Kent sat back down on the bed again. "It cuts quite deep indeed."
"That's not what I- well, yeah," Twilight said. Might as well give him that one. "So you're trying to prevent that from happening here?"
"Yes," he nodded. "If I can. There's a device that causes such suffering, a superweapon built during a desperate time. I knew of the engineer that designed it. According to some of his notes, he expressed an interest in places like Equestria. I believe he hid the device here, the Mass Shadow Generator, hoping it would never be used again."
The Mass Shadow Generator was indeed on Equestria. It was in a box in Twilight's desk drawer, less than three feet away. It was a small ball you could easily fit in your hand; Bao-Dur's remote was also the Mass Shadow Generator itself. The device had gone dormant and was without power. But power was something it could get back very easily.
Kent was not able to sense the superweapon in her desk. Like the ponies with the Magic Gears, things made of metal and machines were difficult to detect via different forms of extrasensory perception. Living, thinking things, beings of emotion left an impression that could be felt in the psychic sense while most artificial things did not.
"I understand," Twilight said. It seemed like they were both going to keep things from each other, for the time being. If they couldn't fully trust each other, they would have to settle for partial trust. Not ideal, but nothing about this situation was.
"TWILIGHT! KENTY! GET DOWN HERE, WE'RE GOING TO PONE DEPOT!"
Kent rose. "Do you want me to tell them you're staying?"
"No," Twilight rose as well. "I'm coming. I've spent enough time alone." They departed her room together. As they closed the door, a single crack formed in the mirror, one that ran the length from top to bottom.
Happening at the same time At the far side of the Everfree Forest
"Next."
Like many Team Rocket grunts, Holly and Dale were usually deployed in pairs. They were a team and worked well together, for the most part. Along with Doc, their Houndour mascot, they were one of the first twosomes sent to plunder Equestria.
Things had not gone according to plan. Beaten, chased halfway across the kingdom, out of resources, Team Rocket's activities in Equestria were coming to a close. Rogue Elements, as Equestrians called extradimensional travelers that weren't summoned or invited, were being hunted down. There was a rumor that a group of humans had broken into the Crystal Palace vaults before the entire palace was uprooted, but it couldn't be confirmed. It wasn't something Holly or Dale could look into.
The Sith Assassin behind them pushed them to the ground.
"Stay down, Dale."
"Mmm-mmmff-ffmmm." His face was literally still on the ground.
"So what have you brought to me?" Arteem asked. The dark-robed human sat on a rock, book levitating above his hand.
"I'm Arteem Surik," he said. He closed the book. "What's your name?"
"I-I'm Holly. And this is-"
"I'm Dale! And if you mess with us, you better be ready for trouble!"
"That's my line, Dale! I always start it."
"Shut up, Holly!"
Arteem smiled. "Aren't you both cute. I suppose I could use you."
Dale wrestled himself off the ground. "Yeah, well you can forget it! Team Rocket's not joining you ghouls or your spooky-ahhh- aAAAAHHH!" Something wrapped around his wrist, then his other wrist. His ankles were bound. A shadowy force, no, shadow itself wrapped around him and pulled him back down to the ground. Holly was the same; the shadows wrapped around them both and restrained them.
Arteem got down from the rock. "I'm not big on speeches but, suffice to say, I've learned a lot from being here. There is a lot of power in friendship and now, I can use that power, too."
"We're not gonna be friends with you, creep!" Holly shouted.
"Ha! You two really are cute. Because I'm not asking."
A tendril of shadow wrapped itself around both their mouths before they could retort. The world grew dark, shadow engulfed them. They struggled, but shadow itself completely covered them until it was a pool around them, until every part of them had been drowned in shadow. And then, their struggles ended and they were less Holly and Dale and more friends of Arteem Surik.
"Go to the assembly area with the others."
"Hassssss..."
"Saaaaa..."
Arteem hopped back on his rock and opened the book again. He wrote down Holly and Dale's names next to the others. He might need to get a new book soon; he'd made quite a lot of friends today.
Ponyvile Action News Team Station(PANTS) Barro's office About an hour later
Dan let himself into Barro's office. Into MY office.
"How in the hell do you keep getting in here? Who let you in?"
"Barry, great to see you!"
"Don't call me that- I didn't say you could sit down!"
Dan pulled himself up a chair and sat down in it casually. He had a big, casual smile on his face, too, the kind of enthusiasm one put on when they were impressing a close friend. Or trying to sell someone something.
"I'm gonna get straight to the point."
"You do that. I'm gonna call security."
"Barry-" Dan put his hand on the receiver. Barro stared back at him, mouth slightly agape in an expression that could only be called a mixture of annoyance and disgust. "I'm the security guy. And I'm a noble now. You really think you can pull rank on me?"
"This is private property. You have no authority here. Freedom of the press."
"Yeah, blah blah blah- listen, can we move it along?" Dan leaned back in the chair. In my chair. In MY office. "I got places to be. Gonna build a casino. So I need to hurry this up, capiche?"
Baffled by the audacity of Dan's... audacity, Barro put the phone down. "What do you want THIS time? I haven't found anything of Chancellor Rice yet and we're in the process of documenting your... tentative exploits on Equestria. So what MORE is it that you want today, Dan? What MORE can my overworked and understaffed news crew do for you that we're not ALREADY doing?"
Dan cupped his hands behind his head. "Yep. I knew I liked you, Barry. First time I met you. You know why?"
"Delusional paranoia?"
"Exactly, Barry- because we're a lot alike, you and me."
The white pony stopped. Then, his eyes narrowed. "You're acting like this on purpose. This is the same behavior that you'd find infuriating."
Dan leaned forward. "Bingo. See? You're a smart guy, too, like me. Figured it all out right away. Look, I need you. You and your flying circus, your camera crews, flight crews, pit crews- all of it. And I need you now, as in right now, not later."
Barro folded his forelegs and sighed. "So you have a specific job in mind. Fine. Make it quick."
"Straight to the point: I need you to raid the Terran Empire's shipyards in the Mirror Universe. And steal a bunch of their ships. Big ones, powerful, lots of weapons- are you listening to me?!"
Leaning further back in his desk with each word, Barro's jaw dropped from skepticism all the way to mouth-agape disbelief in the short duration of Dan's explanation. Finally, when Dan asked if he was listening, Barro nodded slowly and recomposed himself.
"You want me to attack the Terran Empire? Why not just ask me to assassinate the Terran Emperor while you're at it?"
"I mean, if you're in the neighborhood and you happen to spot him-"
"You realize our own country is under attack from multiple sources, both foreign and domestic and you want me to use my considerable resources to not only track down one pony, produce a documentary of your time here AND launch an unprovoked assault against a powerful and malevolent faction in an alternate dimension... whoo, this long, to steal ships?"
Nodding, Dan smiled again. "Exactly, couldn't have said it better myself. So you get started on that, I have to go talk to a chicken sandwich."
Barro leaned back. "You seem to forget I haven't agreed to anything yet."
"Oh come on, whitey! We need this. We have to buy time and some resources of our own if we're going to mount ANY KIND of defense against the princesses' parents AND the Terrans and this is the best way to do it. Also, you can't go yourself."
Barro paused, looked up at Dan and slowly wrapped his fetlock on his desk. It was the equivalent of finger-tapping but with hooves. "So I can't go on this mission, you just want me to plan it and send my squadron."
Dan nodded again. "Yes. And I'll tell ya why- the Terrans are gonna get pissed about this, but if it looks like a Rebel Alliance raid, they're gonna be pissed at them and not us. You and your squad will steal the ships, we will learn all we can about them and then break them apart to build our own weapons. The Mirror morons will think the Rebels stole them."
And for the first time, I nodded at Dan's plan. "...Not bad. I'll admit, that is impressive. But why would the Rebels attack the Terrans now? What reason do they have?"
"Since when do the Rebels need motivation to attack Imperials? This is a brand-new shipyard with brand-new, fresh ships churning out of it- the Federation is going to supply your guys with the info, the Rebels need ships so they're gonna swoop in and take 'em. Or die trying."
Smirking a tad, Barro tapped his hoof again. "Yeah, that's the other thing- this is not low-risk, you realize that? Why exactly should I or my squadron go risking our necks for you?"
"Apart from owing me for shooting up my own ship? Being in my good graces, wanting to do a good deed, helping the guy that saved Equestria like five times already?"
"Yah. You're not exactly the most stable guy and honestly, I'd say it was more of a team effort that saved Equestria."
Dan braced himself on the desk. "Then start being a team player!"
Barro folded his hooves again. "Why should I? Why should I bother defending this place?"
"BECAUSE YOU LIVE HERE YOU squeeING IDIOT!"
"...That is a fair point. But you get that this is extremely risky, right? The Terrans pretty much conquered their own universe and they have the tech, the numbers and the firepower to defend it. What can you give me to help?"
Dan pulled back for a moment. He took something from under the back of his shirt, a rolled-up notebook with a black plastic cover and a plastic spiral spine. He placed it on the desk. On the cover, it read:
S31 Eyes Only Starfleet Line Operations Security Manual 42.118.9
Barro opened the book. In it were lists of names and numbers- the names of ships followed by the ship's own unique serial number. And under each name was another number, a code.
"What is this? Wait..."
"This is how you're going to steal those ships. You just need to get close enough to transmit a direct signal to each ship's command console. Then, program each ship to warp to the coordinates in the back, and then come back to Equestria. That's it," Dan explained.
Barro looked at the numbers, the names, the ships. Dozens of them. "These are prefix codes. How in the hell did you get these?" But then, Barro realized the answer to his question was on the cover. "Section 31. Really?"
"They came to me!" Dan said defensively. "You don't realize how much that Genesis thing was worth to them, all the data. They basically gave me the Trekkie platinum card. Or latinum card. I mean, they can't give me everything but after the regular pointy-eared guys left, this Sector 31 guy shows up and pretty much asks me what I wanted. They even made me an ensign. I got a badge and everything." Dan showed him the badge, which had a dry barbecue sauce stain on it. It was a little less girly than the Equestrian Attorney's badge.
Barro looked at the badge, then glared at Dan. "You realize those guys are evil, right? Section 31? They're ruthless, show no mercy or remorse, won't hesitate to do anything to support the Federation. If they think Equestria is a threat, they'll move to blow us up."
"The planet's already been blown up. Why would Star Trek ever rehash anything?"
Barro nodded. "You're right. They would never repeat an- okay, I can't even finish the joke. It's just too obvious." He sighed. "You realize this is potentially a very bad idea, right? You can't rely on Section 31 for help. If the Terrans find out about this, they're going to come at us with everything they have."
"Except," Dan raised a finger, "you're forgetting one little thing. THEY'RE ALREADY DOING THAT!!"
"Ahh... right."
"I want you to rustle these ships, Barro. Rustle them good. Program them to warp to the coordinates at the back of the book and my guys will take them the rest of the way. Then, your squad gets out of there. It might cause a war between the Terrans and the Rebel Alliance but hey, they were going to go to war eventually. This will slow them down and buy us some time," Dan explained.
"Alright, I'll get started," Barro said, standing. "But this mission is going to require a lot of coordination. I'm going to go, too."
Dan shook his head. "No, you're a pony. They find out Equestria's involved, they'll have reason to hit us harder and sooner. Also, I need you here to train more pilots."
"Who am I training? More Imperials? Stormtroopers?"
"No, the griffons. We have the Zen's zebras joining us already so we need some air support." Dan opened the door again to leave.
Dan finally understood Barro, or at least, the white pony Barro in his office. Kent had explained it to him:
"You're aware of avatars, aren't you? They're the physical representation of something more corporeal, like will, creation, emotion or desire. But more so, they can represent more specific wills, a single person's, even. A creator, or even someone who wants to intervene can use one to act as their physical representation in that world. They can even leave them behind... and sometimes, even more than one. It's not even always their choice."
The Director was one such entity. The Fausticorn, a deity-like figure in Equestrian lore, history and mythology was suspected to be another. These entities, these avatars were the form that represented a power, a will from another world, but they were more than just puppets. They could and did take a life of their own, as Barro had. Even after their initial goal was reached, they continued on. Dan understood that now.
The pony Barro was all of Barro's negative traits combined. Impatience, intolerance, stubbornness, mercilessness, anger and more. Like Dan. But, like Dan, he was more than just negative, for negative cannot exist without positive. They had both found their balance, or were finding it. Barro also had his creator's skill, but he wasn't the author, not fully. The same way someone's voice or body was both them and only a part of them, so was their avatar. He both was and was not Barro the same way Dan both was and was not Dan Mandel.
"I'll need time to plan this out but I'll get started right away. I've already been outfitting my gunship for longer-range missions, anyway so... I GUESS this works out," Barro admitted.
Dan smiled. Barro loved his starfighter the same way Dan loved his car. That was another thing he needed to get back. Some avatars had the ability to return to a previous state in time, a primal reversion. When they were nearly defeated or destroyed, they could revert back to this pristine state no worse for wear. If Dan had such a state, he'd return to a point in time where he was in his car in the middle of L.A. traffic.
"Glad to hear it and hey, you're gonna have plenty to work with. Mostly because the griffons stole your gunship designs and made dozens of copies." He closed the door.
It took just over a week to turn Gust's carriers into a single, floating casino. Roughly the size of Cloudsdale now, the new ship was a city of its own. If they couldn't bring the griffons and their plundered loot to Las Pegas, they would bring Las Pegas to them. Almost immediately after New Pegas was constructed, it set aerial sail for the border in the Equestrian north.
Passing by the remains of the Crystal Empire had a somber, sobering effect on all of them. But there were no ponies in the crew, at least not visually. The ponies who volunteered to join in the scheme, mostly earth ponies, were disguised as zebras or donkeys. The griffons being suckered in could suspect nothing.
Dan, Chrys, Twilight, Phoenix and Spike were all disguised as well.
"SUGAR CUBE CORNER IS-" Rainbow Dash and Rarity had to restrain Pinkie Pie from yelling. Unfortunately, Sugar Cube Corner being closed had been very traumatizing to the pink party pony.
"I'm sorry," Pinkie said. "My usual Pinkie-self is... not... itself... right now. And I don't know what I'm gonna do about it."
"To be fair, you don't like yourself either, Pinkie. None of us do," Rainbow said. She was right; even the Mane 6 were disguised as zebras. Though, to be fair, their personalities did plenty of shining through. Rainbow's painted zebra-stripes were a rainbow of colors, naturally, and Pinkie had more pink in her. Rarity's stripes were patterned, Fluttershy was wearing a suit with the hood wrapped tightly around her muzzle. And, for whatever reason, Applejack was wearing her hat.
"I don't think ANY of you realize what a good disguise is supposed to be. Let's just hope the griffons aren't hard to fool," Dan said.
"I'll admit this is not my best work, but we did run out of body paint rather quickly," Rarity said.
Dan turned to her, teeth gritted. "You still managed to make your own coat as fashion-y as possible. Unlike your OTHER previous disguises we used!"
"Dearie," Rarity raised a hoof, "if you didn't think those other disguises were fashionable, you obviously weren't looking close enough."
"I'm going to throw you off of this thing if the plan fails. OPEN THE DOORS!!"
Gust's pirates pulled open the gates. New Pegas was more than just a casino in the sky; it was four casino-hotels, massive concourse with plenty of valet parking, street vendors, gift shops, a bar and grill in the center and plenty of neon lights, searchlights and all the glitz and glamor of the Las Vegas strip. Or at least one guy and a bunch of ponies who played New Vegas and built their best approximation.
Yes, the Enclave and their love of all things Fallout: Equestria(and by extension, the Fallout franchise itself) were more than happy to help design a real New Pegas. Although not an exact replica, as the layout of the casinos placed The Tops and Gamorrah facing opposite each other with a giant fountain in between them. The Ultra-Luxe, the swankiest casino of the group, was placed behind all the others at the aft of the floating complex. The control center, modeled after the Lucky 38 was placed in the middle of the concourse between the Ultra-Luxe and the fountain.
"I think we did a good job with everything," Phoenix commented.
"Ever been to Vegas, Nicky?"
"Yes, actually."
"Then you know this doesn't look a DAMN thing like Las Vegas!"
Phoenix rubbed his neck. "I know, but it still looks nice. I doubt the griffons have been to Vegas and besides, this is more of an honest con than we're used to pulling. They obviously know they'll lose their money here."
"Yessss. Obvioussss," Dan said, teeth still tightly clenched. New Pegas was only part of the con. "Hit the lights! Searchlights, spotlights, floodlights, neon lights, switch it all on!"
The casinos lit up. The night sky was suddenly illuminated as New Pegas became a massive beacon in the skies above northern Equestria. The casino doors opened. There was only one thing left to set the stage.
Dan raised his hand. "AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... cue the Dean!"
"Dean?" Twilight asked. "What dean?"
"Dean Domino or Dean Martin?" Captain Springer asked. She was high up in the control booth of the "Bucky" 42, which made Dan's eyes roll for more than one reason but really, what can you expect?
"Dean MARTIN, you green dork! Kick in the Head plays every time you're at the strip the first time, c'mon! You're supposed to know this!"
"It was just a question, sheesh. We've got both on vinyl thanks to Vinyl."
"Ummm, I don't have Dean Martin," Vinyl Scratch said.
"WHAT?!" Dan exclaimed from down below.
Vinyl shrugged. "Times are tight, Danny-O."
"Don't call me that."
"I incorporated more human music at WubWay but times have been really tight for us. I can't afford to keep as many records as I could right now."
Dan ran ALL the way up to the top of the not-Lucky 38.
"Howdy strang-AAGH!" Dan even pushed over Victor the Securitron as he made his way up. Not an exact replica but the actual Victor. Fortunately, Yes-Man was not in the picture since Owlowiscious had disposed of him.
"We're opening a Vegas-style... Vegas and you DIDN'T get any Dean Martin?!?!"
Vinyl smiled apologetically and nervously. "Hey hey hey, I DID bring some Dean. Lemme play it right now!" She levitated a vinyl record to the turntable(the retro bass cannon un-cannoned) and played it.
"Now, I've known Dean for years and I've heard people say that if he didn't have his singing career, he wouldn't have a career at all. But I know that's just not true."
"What the hell is this?" Dan asked. The sound was being pumped all throughout the intercoms and PA system of New Pegas, but it wasn't music.
"For one, if he lost all his hair, I'm sure he'd make a great Don Rickles." *laughter*
"Uhh, this is a Dean Martin celebrity roast," Phoenix said.
"Hahaha, that's funny! I love a good roast!" Pinkie exclaimed.
Applejack pretended to look around. "I don't smell anything cooking." Her five other best friend mares turned frowns to her. "I can make jokes too, thank you very much."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!"
Twilight was forced to catch Vinyl before she hit the ground.
"Heyy, thanks Twilight."
"You're welcome." What Twilight didn't catch was the vinyl record Dan threw from the balcony, immediately after he threw the Vinyl Scratch from the balcony.
"Guys," Spike said, walking up from the main gates. "I don't mean to bother Dan while he's... deliberating, but there's something else we're missing for this scam."
"What's that?"
Spike sighed. "Where are the other griffons? The ones we're trying to swindle?"
"Oh crap," Twilight said. "Dan, get down here!"
"One second!"
Two quick flashes of purple light in rapid succession, Twilight teleported herself to the control room and then teleported herself and Dan back down again. He was holding Octavia above him.
"AAAAaaaaa- oh, hi, Twilight."
"Stop throwing ponies," Twilight said. "New problem: the targets have not arrived. How exactly are you planning on luring the griffons here?"
Dan grinned. "Allow me to show you."
"If you take your pants off, I am going to throw YOU off this thing, Dan."
Dan brushed off the clearly false threat. "You say that, but we both know Rainbow will catch me."
"It's true. I like Dan and it's my instinct to catch people that are falling and screaming."
"Uhh, why didn't you catch ME then, dude?" Vinyl asked.
Rainbow Dash shrugged. "I was getting a churro! Sheesh, can't expect one mare to do it all."
"Did you get me a churro at least?"
"You didn't tell me you wanted a churro."
"Will you BOTH shut up about churros?" Twilight asked. "...dammit I want a churro now, too."
"NO CHURROS UNTIL AFTER WE GET OUR MONEY BACK!" Dan shouted, and forced them all to follow him.
"Why do you think I'm so obsessed with starfighters? Spies seeking to sabotage us, wayward wizards wanting more power, they're already here. Many have already come and gone. We already use the pegasi as our first line of defense. I'm not saying we stop this, I'm saying we extend it further."
"If an army comes at us from underground, we can handle it. If an invasion force is summoned right in front of Canterlot, we can counter it. If a portal opens up on or near Equestrian soil, we have ponies who can close it. The main threat we cannot counter is from above. From afar. The most you can do is put up a shield and hope it goes away. We need more than just shields."
"Harmony still provides us the best defense against threats from within. But the enemy isn't trying to shatter or take that fragile harmony. They tried that already. Now, they're trying to establish a beachhead."
-From Barro's message to the princesses following his unsanctioned summoning of two starfighter squadrons
Northern Equestria, Griffon/Crystal Borders Aboard the carrier All of My Yes, currently en route to the Crystal Empire
"Can't we fly any faster?" Chrys asked, gripping the bridge railing hard enough for the wood to creak.
"Sure," said Gust. "Get out and push. That'll get us moving faster."
"Can't you like, transform into stuff? You could turn into some sorta flyin' dragon, or somethin'," the griffon helmsman suggested.
Chrys glared at him. "How about we turn you into-"
But thankfully, Gust intervened. "How 'bout we all calm down, broccantinis? The ship is going as fast as it can. And we're going to need all the firepower we can get to take on the pirates. I mean, the OTHER pirates."
The All of My Yes and All of My Rage steamed towards the Crystal Empire. The pirate griffons readied the cannons for battle, as they had before under Dan's command. It would not be easy; griffons had fought their own before. The fight would be hard, but hopefully they could get there and mount some kind of the defense along with the crystal ponies.
Chrys' eyes were on the horizon, waiting for their destination to come into view. "Do you know what we'll be up against?"
"Uh, no. Probably the giant robot thing. At least," Gust said.
Chrys looked over her shoulder. "They only have the one, right? Only one Gear?"
"Uh, yeah. I think," Gust rubbed his neck. "I mean, I'm pretty sure they only built the prototype, just for the Crystal Empire. It's still being tested and they- well, WE don't build stuff unless we need it. Waste of material."
"So you're greedy AND stingy. Good to know. You must have great bankers."
"Yeah, no. Not really."
"Oh, we happen to have plenty. You'd be surprised how many griffons were willing to sign up for the promise of a quick buck." The carrier's intercom system piped through the cool yet slimy tones of Visor's voice. He wasn't onboard either of the ships, but he had apparently found their radio frequency.
"You didn't get anyone in MY crew. I can tell that," Gust said, a little satisfied with himself. "Hear that, spooky? The loyalty of MY bros and bro-ettes cannot be bought!"
"We didn't really try to bribe any of your crewmates. There's an overabundance of stupidity, so you and your motley crew aren't very valuable."
Gust's entire body deflated like a balloon.
"Oh, but we did pay another group to delay you. Had to do a little outsourcing and it didn't come cheap. I'm sure you don't understand, but don't worry; you won't live long enough to understand it anyway." The intercom cut out abruptly.
Chrys and Gust didn't need to understand the details. A threat was a threat, and Visor was a villain that didn't waste time. The only question was, when? And one of Gust's crew answered that.
"Boss? We got contacts," the radar griffon said.
"How many?"
"Tracking three bogeys inbound, high and closing fast."
"Ready guns!" Gust ordered. "Helm, drop us down! Maybe we can lose them-"
*Breem-breem-breem-breem-BAM!* Green streaks cut through the sky and exploding into fireballs on the deck of the carrier. Two flashes rushed through the gap in the center of the ring-shaped carrier. Just in front of the bridge, the primary magazine and loading station was in flames.
"What the hell was that?" Gust asked.
"Gust, the ship is on fire!!" Chrys yelled.
"Yes, Chryssie, we know! Can you do something about it please?!"
"Like what?!!"
"Marshal, the Rage has taken damage!"
Gust removed his sunglasses. The other carrier, commanded by the curvy pink griffon Clutch Clasp was also awash in flames.
"Radio them. Can they take care of it?"
"You've got bigger problems than that to worry about."
"I'm going to enjoy tormenting you!"
"What's the rush, little birdies? Worried your nest might BURN?!"
"You guys should feel honored. It's been a while since we've had some REAL targets!"
"Oh great," Chrys said. "Just what we need to see."
Ex-Venomian Mercenary Unit Star Wolf Elite All-Range Fighter Squadron Wolfen Mk. 5
"Fire suppression to the main deck! Damage control!"
"Do we have any missiles?! Shoot them down!"
"We've gotta do something- weapons!" Gust pushed aside the helmsman and took the wheel himself. "Load all the guns and 'em high!"
The carrier dove. The other two followed suit. The maneuver was harsh on the griffons but Gust knew they could take it. Even as the airships descended at a sharp angle, teams of griffons worked to douse the flames. Thankfully, griffons had plenty of experience with flame-retardant materials. Or they just gathered up whatever was heavy, fire-resistant and worthless and threw it at the flames, whatever worked.
"They're coming back around!" Chrys yelled.
The four fighters opened fire on the All of My What. The only unscathed carrier was now scathed as green bolts ripped into its deck.
"FIRE! FIRE EVERYTHING NOW!" Gust ordered.
The carriers' cannons unleashed a massive barrage upward, right into the flight paths of the four fighters. Explosions burst in the air, and one of the ships was clipped.
"Gyeaaaaaaaaahhh!" Andrew Oikonny, the weakest of Team Star Wolf lost his two ventral wings. Further blasts ripped through his fuselage and quickly sent his craft into a burning dive. His teammates must've paid attention to Peppy at some point, because they did barrel rolls just before the cannon fire hit them. Their enhanced G-Diffuser bolstered their shields with the momentum of the maneuver, deflecting the shots.
Three of the Wolfens arced back up skyward. Andrew's ship trailed smoke all the way to the ground, hit hard nose-first and exploded. So much for Andross's nephew.
"Now you've done it!"
"I never liked that guy anyway."
"Heh, I'll consider that a bonus!"
"They're coming back around! Again!" Chrys yelled.
"Weapons, reload!"
"Gust, we've got a malfunction in fire control!"
The cannons on the massive ship were locked in a vertical position. Fire damage from the magazine explosion had caused a failure in the auto-loading mechanisms of the ship.
Outside, the trio of mercenary fighters dove rapidly, like arrows shot skyward to fall with the sun behind them. Their weapons burned hot, and there was no way to fend them off. The three griffon carriers were now in the hands of fate, helpless.
"Don't worry. I'll make this quick."
Gust swallowed. "All hands, brace! Brace for-"
*Booooom... *Boom-boom*
"What... the...?"
Team Star Wolf exploded. Where their fighters were, now was only clouds of rapidly-dissipating smoke and bits of falling debris.
"What just happened?" Chrys asked. Outside, it was difficult to see anything. Smoke from the three carriers and Wolf's team obscured the view.
"New contacts!" the navigator shouted. "I can't tell what but they're very fast!"
"Friendly? Friendly?! Please be friendly!" Gust and Chrys both pleaded.
"Sorry to burst your bubble!"
"Oh, we're gonna burst a lot more than that."
"Did you forget what story you're reading? This is our turf!"
The three new contacts were flying almost too fast to be detected by the griffons' sensors. Chrys, Gust, the griffons all scanned the skies, searching for the new arrivals, hoping in their hearts they were friends. But with each second that went by, the more experienced griffons felt a cold, gnawing grow in their chests. Rescuers did not say 'surprise' in such operations.
"Look! Eleven o'clock, high!"
Three streaks of purple appeared- afterburners. Dark trails began flying around them, until three dark-purple contrail rings encircled the carriers. Whatever, whoever was making them was flying too fast for the trails to vary or dissipate; they were tight and uniform all the way around.
"Oooh, look at all the pretty birdies! All nice and happy in their chicken coups!"
"Hope y'all enjoyed your flight, but sorry. You're about to be grounded- permanently."
"The skies are our domain! You winged wannabees have been pretending for too long!"
The three new ships appeared in front of them. Strange fighters, nothing like Gust or his griffons had ever seen before with wings that stuck out from block-like fuselages. One had split wings attached to a cross-like body, the other had high wings protruding form a narrow body and the third had jagged wings that bent out from its slanted body. X, Y and Z.
"Oh great. Just what we need to see... again."
Dark Equestrian Hyper-Performance Flying Team Shadowbolts *no longer affiliated with Nightmare Moon
"Uhmm... if we're fighting the Shadowbolts now, why is the Star Wolf theme still playing?" Chelsea asked.
"We paid for the whole Team Star Wolf, we're going to use the whole Team Star Wolf," Visor's voice answered her.
But the Shadowbolts were much, much deadlier than a group of underpaid mercenaries. And they were about to prove it. The three new ships rushed in on the griffons, descending upon easy prey.
"There are some things that cannot be tolerated. Sometimes, matters HAVE to be taken into one's own hands. When that happens, all the red tape, all the rules and regulations, every little bit of bureaucracy that holds up society has to take a backseat at that very moment. There's a time when you have to go all-out, and everything holding you back, whatever it may be just needs to... be put to the side. For a while, at least."
"This time keeps coming. Over the course of history, it just keeps repeating in newer and more terrifying ways to challenge us. But me, I love a challenge. So, let me pass on to you and everyone else what I've learned. Simply put, there's a time you will be tested. You will have to use everything, every resource, skill and bit of knowledge at your disposal to simply survive. The toughest tests in your life will be tests of survival. But, I have also learned the best way to hedge your bets against such situations for when, not if but when they arise."
"My friends, it pays to be prepared." -Burt Gummer
After everyone got churros, Dan unveiled his lure to sucker in the griffons. A giant banner attached to the side of New Pegas, one with lights that would be visible for miles. And it read:
NOW OPEN
"Really? That's it?" Chrys asked. "I don't think it's... quite as catching as it could be."
"What?" Dan asked. "This banner is visible from Ponyville! There's no way the griffons aren't going to see it. Now, we just wait."
"I think what we need is some incentive," Twilight said.
Dan nodded. "Way ahead of you. That's why I prepared a second banner." He hit a switch on his remote and another banner unfurled, right next to the first one. And the second banner read:
LIVE NUDS
He beamed, grinning with confidence. While most of his friends frowned at them.
"Dan," Chrys said, "That's not a good idea either."
"What? Why not?" Dan asked.
"Well, for one, ponies, griffons, zebras- we're all usually not wearing clothes, anyway," Applejack said, tipping her hat. "For two, pretty sure there's an "E" in nudes."
"Exactly!" Dan said. "It's technically true! Truth in advertising, that's another selling point!"
Twilight tapped her chin. "I think I have another idea." And in just a minute, Twilight used magic to fashion a new banner out of the first two, a banner that read:
FREE FOOD (and churros)
Dan looked at the banner, then frowned. "Oh, like that has any chance of-"
And then, instantly and in the most cartoony fashion possible, the rest of the Griffon Kingdom appeared off the starboard side. The New Libertalia arrived and connected to New Pegas via multiple boarding ramps and gangplanks. Some griffons walked, many flew and some brought camping equipment with them as they flooded the gambling city. In moments, they were in a see of gawking hawk-headed, hawk-eyed griffons shuffling around and past them.
"Where's the free food?" "Yeah, where's the free stuff?"
"In our lovely casinos, of course! Step inside, have a bite and try your luck!" Dan said. With those very words, the few confused or contemplative griffons began making their way inside the buildings. Disguised vendors were set up with various quick edibles for the unsuspecting griffons throughout the casinos.
"I'm not sure which was more enticing to them- the free-ness or the food-ness," Dan remarked, grinning. "Either way, good thinking, Twilight. You get a happy sticker on the board for helping Dan when we get home."
"So, they're here, now," Twilight said. "Now, what? We just let them gamble our own money back to us?"
"Basically," said Dan. "We have slot machines, card games, roulette tables, craps and high stakes DnD and Magic: The Gathering."
"Don't you mean Hocus Pocus: The Get-Together?" Phoenix asked.
"Probably. Also, Cadence and Shining are gonna want those cards back when we're done with them."
"Uh, we may have a slight problem," Spike said.
"What?" But it became evident quickly- Applejack, still in disguise, tromped over to them. Stomped over to them.
"FREE food?" She did not sound happy.
They all parted and pointed at Twilight. "It was Twilight's idea," announced Dan.
"W-well, umm... we needed a way to lure them here," Twilight said. She shrugged. "What better way to do that than with free food? Hot, fresh, Sweet Apple Acres baked goods. Besides, Sugar Cube Corner is..." she paused for a moment. "...Closed."
"Where's Pinkie?"
"Blackjack table. She's one of the dealers along with Derpy in uh, Gamorrah, I believe it is" Rarity said.
AJ rolled her eyes. "I would appreciate a little warning BEFORE y'all go giving away my product. We DO have a surplus, though."
"And we appreciate your contribution," Dan said. "You will be reimbursed pending our tremendous success."
"Good to know," AJ said, her tone on the edge of sarcasm. She returned to her stall.
In truth, there was plenty of food and baked goods throughout Equestria, and the surplus was being given away to the griffons right now. Despite the economic crisis, a lot of supplies had still been produced, crafted and even shipped, they just hadn't been sold. There was nothing to do with them, and ponies were quite proficient and prolific bakers. Twilight knew this and that's why, at the very least, there was something so that all that food wouldn't go to waste, with the help of Tangy Top.
The purveyor mare's larger size and weight prevented her from being there personally, but many of her employees were working to keep things running smoothly in the casinos. Many of the griffons brought sacks and other containers to stuff full of free grub, so it was a good thing they made so much.
Within in minutes, it was clear the plan was working. Griffons in all the casinos began spending money on slots, card tables and games of chance. Even video poker, and if that's not an obvious scam, nothing is. Of course, the entire concept of a casino is a scam so it all should've been obvious.
Greed and fear are both powerful emotions and they do have their uses. Desire and caution are good in appropriate amounts, but like everything else, too much of a good thing is a bad thing. And right now, greed weighed more than what little common sense the griffons had.
"So what do we do now?" Rainbow asked.
Dan slicked back his hair. "Now, we hit the tables, keep an eye on things... and find the wealthiest marks and get them to raise the stakes. Chrys, you know what to do."
"Oh, do I... wait, do I? Oh yeah, that thing, yeah, got it." Chrys changed into a completely anonymous griffon and flew off.
And Twilight noticed this and watched her as she flew towards the griffons' parked airships. "Wwwwwwwwwwhat's that about, exactly?"
"You'll see," Dan patted her. "Now, let's find the head sucker."
They didn't have to look long. As could be expected, the leader of the griffon thieves was gray griffon with a purple puffed robe and wide-brimmed hat adorned with a golden feather... and a magnet in the front. Boss De Gauss himself strode through the crowd at the front gates. Dan spotted him, and made his way opposite through the crowd.
"Welcome sir! Welcome to fabulous New Pegas!"
"You are the owner of this... establishment?"
"I am, good sir," Dan bowed. "Wellington, Biff Wellington, at your service."
"Grand Sky Marshal Gauss De Gauss," the griffon said. The two shook hand-to-claw tightly.
"Thanks for coming to see us, care to take a tour?"
A smile, an almost sinister-looking smile spread across De Gauss's beak. "I think I'll be able to find my way around, thank you. I trust our vessels will be safe moored off to the side, like this?"
"Of course, of course, we have everything taken care of. Valet!" He snapped his fingers. Rainbow Dash and Twilight both appeared, both with churro dust still on their muzzles. They went back for extra churros before the griffons took them all and it was noticeable.
"I am terribly sorry for the lack of professionalism from my valets, here!" Dan said through gritted teeth. He quickly produced a handkerchief and rubbed cinnamon off of them. "Where's Fluttershy?" he asked in a lower voice, teeth still gritted.
"You're not going to be happy with this, Biff."
"She's over with Nightshade and some sugar-free sugar-gliders, rocket flying squirrels and base jumping spiders in the back," Rainbow Dash said.
Base Jumping Spiders, Stevia Gliders and Rocke-
"Stop. Stop it, we DON'T NEED an explanation of every asinine animal this crazy world has come up with!" Dan shouted, interrupting the narrator.
"Yeaaah," Rainbow admitted, rubbing her neck. "Fluttershy's gone a little... loopy since her animals had to get jobs. Even though Angel Bunny's one of the poker dealers."
"Aren't base jumping spiders endangered?" Rarity asked.
"They're endangered because they're idiotic thrill-seekers that won't stop base jumping!" Dan growled. "ALL THREE OF YOU. Park the birds' ships. Now." He spun back around to De Gauss. "Where were we?"
"Did I hear something about poker?" De Gauss asked, eyebrows raised.
And Dan smiled an almost-sinister smile. "You did indeed, Mr. De Gauss. Right this way." Gleefully, Dan led the lead griffon to the Gamorrah casino, Phoenix and Spike tailing carefully behind him.
The casino was loud with noise of all kinds. Talking, shouting, laughing, a sea of bells, chimes and jingles from slot machines and some accompanying music piped through the intercom for ambience. It was almost too much to take in, an assault on the senses but of course, that's what Vegas was if nothing else. A dazzling show to distract the masses from their wallets and purses.
There were lines at the cashier and service counters with dozens of griffons quickly exchanging bits, gems and baubles for chips. The casino had to keep cash itself, so they used bills and other currencies commonly used by donkeys, zebras and goats. It was all too quick for any of them to notice or care, but the griffons were giving back the ponies their own property by the ton at a time.
The trick was keeping it going.
"Seems like you guys are pretty well-set for cash," Dan, disguised as Biff Wellington, remarked.
De Gauss smiled. "Why, yes. We've had quite the windfall lately."
"Really? Do tell."
"Hmm-hmm-hmm, well, let's just say we had a return on quite a few long-term investments, lately," De Gauss said, smirking. "Quite good returns. One might say they were almost... criminal."
Dan smirked right back. "Criminal indeed, my friend. Criminal indeed."
The card tables were packed. De Gauss's griffons were giving the dealers plenty to work with. A lot of the players even had their friends nearby, so each of the tables was packed like its own private party.
The ponies, disguised as zebras, dealt and collected, all while maintaining the calm demeanor common of zebras. Most of the card dealers were actors from the Equestrian Society for Theatre and Drama, so they knew how to keep calm under pressure. But that didn't help them win at cards; for that, Dan had extra insurance. There was a reason the house always won, especially this house.
"Looks like the poker table's full up. We could wait for a space-"
De Gauss pointed. "There's room at the blackjack table."
"Ahh, blackjack! An excellent choice. And here," Dan produced a stack of chips from his shirt pocket. "On the house. Good luck, sir!"
De Gauss let the chips fall into the palm of his claw. "Care to join us for a hand or two, Mr. Wellington?"
"I..." Dan stopped. He hadn't expected this. The plan was to get De Gauss into the High Roller's lounge with as many of his lieutenants as he could. Once the suckers were in place, they'd initiate Phase 2. Dan needed to keep his eyes on things elsewhere. But he also needed them to not be suspicious. Fully relaxed, fully at ease. Maybe he could speed things along if he did it himself.
"Sure, why not? Casino owner playing at one of his own floor tables, not strange at all. Perfectly appropriate."
"Wonderful."
There were a couple of seats open at one of the blackjack tables. Sure enough, it was Pinkie Pie's table.
"Deeeeeeeeeeeeealer has twenty!"
"Gaah!" "I'm out."
"Hey there, Biff!" The disguised Pinkie said.
"Hi," Dan looked at her name tag, "Zinkie... dear gawd, I'm going to have an aneurysm."
"What's that?"
"Gimme a hundred in chips... Zinkie."
"Chaaaaaanging a hundred!" 'Zinkie' looked back at him and blinked. "Uh... ahem?"
"What?"
"Your bits, sir? Money? Currency? Moolah-"
Dan glared back at her, teeth-gritted. "I'm good for it, just go."
The other griffons left just as De Gauss took his seat at the opposite side, his wide-brimmed hat taking up quite a bit of space. The regal-looking pirate griffon maintained the smug smirk on his beak.
"Place your bets, gentlemen," disguised Pinkie said.
"Let's start things off right, shall we?" De Gauss said. Dan had given him ten standard casino chips, the equivalent of one-hundred bits. De Gauss placed three of them on the table.
Dan did the same. "Sounds great to me."
Pinkie dealt the cards. Nevada-style, meaning facedown. She flipped two cards each to Dan, De Gauss and finally, herself and flipped one of hers over. As fat had dealt, one of her cards was the queen of hearts. A picture of Cadence was on it.
Dan slid his own cards into his palm, dragging them across the table a ways until he flipped them up. He had fifteen- jack of clubs and a five of spades.
"You... do know how to play, right?" Pinkie asked him.
Dan glared at her. "Why, of course I do, Zinkie. Are you sure you're playing with a full deck?" he asked, teeth gritted again.
The pink-striped 'zebra' checked. "Eeeyep. So, what'll be, boys? Hittin' or stayin'?"
"I'll take a hit," De Gauss said. Pinkie slipped him another card. The griffon calmly took it into his claws, placed it neatly aside the other, said nothing else. He looked at Dan and razed a single eyebrow. "Your move, Mr. Wellington."
Dan was still in the process of suppressing a snarl. "Hit me," he said. And Pinkie slipped him another card.
Two of hearts. He was at seventeen.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaand dealer takes another card."
"I'll stand," De Gauss said.
"Dealer stands. Aaaaand Da- I mean, Biff?"
Dan's upper lip was trembling with annoyance. He was being upstaged on his left and dealing with incompetence in front of him. "Hit me."
"Okie dokie rokie."
He looked down at his cards. "Hit me again."
Pinkie quirked an eyebrow. "Are you suuuuuuure?"
"I SAID," he cleared his throat, then calmed down a bit. "Hit me again."
She slipped him another card. He glanced down at his hand and said, "I'll stay."
"Let's see what we got, fellas." Pinkie flipped her cards over. Queen, four, six. "Dealer has twenty!"
Dan flipped over all five of his cards. "Twenty-nine"
"Aaaaaand player busts."
"What? HOW? HOW?!"
"Ummm, ten plus five, plus two, plus eight, plus four. That's twenty-nine. Sorry, but you busted," Pinkie said, collecting Dan's chips.
Dan snarled at her as she did. "No one is EVER shipping us together. Period."
De Gauss casually flipped his cards over. King of diamonds, Jack of clubs, and an Ace... of Spades. "Blackjack."
"Congratulations, Mr. Dee Goose!"
"It's De Gauss."
"Great job! Here are your winnings!" She hooved him three more chips, doubling the amount he bet. She even clapped her hooves as he took them.
"I don't understand this. How did I lose?" Dan asked. He stared in disbelief at his cards, even counted them twice just to be sure.
"You got over twenty-one. That's how," Pinkie said.
"But... but I'm usually great at cards." Actually, he wasn't. Dan's friends, and Mr. Mumbles let him win all the time. He was a sore loser, usually and had a habit of accusing others of cheating even when they weren't. So Chris, Elise and Ted would often throw card games, board games and even air hockey and arcade games when they played with Dan.
Gauss slowly slid the chips across the table. Dan watched him the entire time. "Care to continue, Dan?"
"Um," Dan swallowed. "Dan? Who's that?"
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Were you wanting to continue with your little charade?"
"You saw through it, huh? How long did that take?" Dan asked, casting an angry look at Pinkie. And Pinkie just smiled back at both of them, just enjoying herself.
"Heh," the griffon chuckled. "We knew it was you before we docked. Honestly, many of my raiders thought you were all wearing costumes for a party rather than trying to fool us. It's been quite entertaining, however. I hope this hasn't ruined your impression of us."
Dan got up. "Oh, no, I thought you were a bunch of pompous, puffed-up preening psychopaths before I met you. And I just have your pal Gust to go off of but to be fair, I do like him better than you." He turned.
"So what was your plan?" De Gauss asked before he could walk away. "Let us spend all the money we stole from you so you could get it back? Did you expect us all to just leave here with some hangovers and empty pockets?"
Thinking for a moment, Dan turned back to him, then shrugged. "Sure. Your gang is having a good time, isn't it? We need our stuff back, you want to enjoy yourselves, everybody wins."
"Of course. Of course," De Gauss said. He picked up the casino chips, spread them out between each of his talons. "And you know, we'll just steal it back from you again."
Dan glared at him. He was angry, and he really didn't like losing. The card game was just the latest in a long list of recent losses. The security system being repossessed, the attacks in broad daylight, the poverty, the plans not working, everything was going wrong. Not now, though. He had planned on waiting a bit longer, making a few more checks to make sure everything was in place, but he couldn't wait any longer.
Time for Phase 2.
"Actually, I knew you were going to figure it out. I just didn't think it would be quite this quick, but I think it's safe to say most of your goons are inside my casinos?"
De Gauss' smile faded. "Not for long. Men! Back to the-"
And Dan's smile reemerged. He pulled out a Playskool walkie-talkie(cheap and affordable). "Phase 2, go. Lock it down."
"On it." From outside New Pegas, Twilight enveloped the city in a bubble. A shimmering purple shield between the griffons and their own ships, trapping them all in a glowing prison.
"Marshal! They've locked us in!"
"Calm down," De Gauss said. He looked at Dan, who was beaming with confidence. "Very clever, Dan. Using greed to box us all in. Successful, if not unoriginal."
"Well, you play with the cards your dealt."
"Oh ho ho," De Gauss chuckled, "I think you're forgetting something- we're pirates." He pulled out his hand cannon. "We play with things more deadly. Did you think we'd come here unarmed?"
And then, De Gauss felt the barrel of another gun press against the back of his own neck.
"You apparently thought that about us," Pinkie said. "Also, he was cheating," she continued, and held up four Ace of Spades that he'd kept in his coat sleeve.
Dan smirked. "See? I knew I was good at cards."
"I mean, you still busted, so it wouldn't have really made a difference either way. I mean honestly, when you had seventeen, you were really-"
"Pinkie, shut up and threaten the bad guy."
"Okie dokie karaoke!"
"Now, Mr. De Gauss, we're going to play a higher stakes game. Take him to the high roller's lounge."
Pinkie escorted the griffon out. His claws were raised the entire way. He looked back at Dan, over his shoulder. And he wasn't smiling. Dan had wiped the smug look off his face and now, it was Dan's turn to smirk. Things were looking up.
"Umm," one of the griffons raised his claw. "Can... can we still gamble?"
Dan wasn't originally planning on taking De Gauss to the High Roller's Lounge this early, but he couldn't wait any longer. Now, he was going to force the griffons to witness the full extent of his plans.
"Okay, you've got me, you've got my griffons," De Gauss said. "But we're still at an impasse. I still have all your country's stuff, plus that of the Crystal Empire. Anything happens to me, it all goes in the ocean and neither of us will see it again."
"Keep walking, ostrich," Dan said. "You feeling a bit nervous? Don't worry, buddy. The show's just getting started."
"How touching. I can tell you're used to playing for a captive audience," De Gauss said.
The replica of the Lucky 38 was where the "high roller lounge" was located. Actually, it was a replica of Mr. House's penthouse at the top of the casino, but this version was serving a new purpose. Instead of a giant computerized face, it was a digital map of Equestria that displayed everything in a nice, easy-to-read fashion.
"Quite an impressive operation. This isn't the first time I've been held hostage."
"Really? Could've fooled me by how much you're sweating," Dan said. Pinkie Pie was still holding a gun to his back.
De Gauss looked at Dan over his shoulder. "So what is the meaning of all of this? You planning on ransoming us back to our own country in exchange for your kingdom's wealth?"
Dan parsed his lips, then nodded. "I had considered that, for a while. But then, I came up with an even better idea." Dan pressed a button on a remote. The terminal screen changed to that of three missiles, each one with a glowing red warhead on the tip. Sword spells.
De Gauss looked up at the magical weapons. And he grinned. "The nukes? Really? Ehhahaha... you're really threatening us with those?"
And Dan grinned right back. "These are special Swords. Low-yield, you might say. They won't wipe out your entire country but they'll turn cities into craters of glittery shards real easily. Griffonstone, Lavertica, Roostovekia. You'll need more than you stole from us to recover from those losses."
Griffonstone was the major population center of the Griffon Kingdom, Lavertica, the capital was its manufacturing and industrial center, not to mention where it shipped goods both stolen and not, and Roostovekia produced most of its food. The loss of any one of them would be a crippling blow but losing all of them, the zebras might as well conquer it. Unlike the zebras and ponies, the griffons were more likely to dissolve into infighting. It would mean the end of their kingdom.
"You fail to realize, Dan, that we suffered when the planet came apart, too. Our population has grown, unlike yours, and while Rice managed to save us-"
"How DID Rice manage to save you guys?" Pinkie asked. She still had a gun pointed at De Gauss' back.
Gust Grasp, who happened to be one of the griffons watching, raised his claw. "Uh, actually, that'd be well... kind-of a long story."
Slowly turning around, Dan's face lacked any amusement. "Chicken livers... you better not be telling me something I don't want to hear right now."
"It's not my fault! I swear, bro! Rice messed with your memories. After the Games ended, he just snapped his fingers and everybody forgot. But they didn't forget forever, because Chrys-"
"STOP. TALKING," Dan grabbed his beak. "WHAT games?"
"The Equestria Games, man! Back before Equestria blew up, Rice had his own games with all of us- well, not ALL of us, but you and the ponies versus his dogs, man. He had me round up all the stragglers."
"Equestria Games? There were no-" And as Dan spoke, Gust held up a photograph. The memories started to flood back even before Gust showed him the picture, but now... now, the pieces were fitting together.
Following the vacation, Rice demonstrated his considerable powers by simply snapping his fingers, causing Dan, his friends and all their allies and partners to vanish in a flash. Dan awoke some time later with Equestria in a state of complete disarray. All of his friends were imprisoned, and his closest human friends twisted and forced to fight him.
But a lot can happen in a flash, apparently. Dan and others originally assumed that Dan's unique relationship with magic and Equestria caused Rice's spell to misfire, transporting Dan three months into the future rather to Tartarus or the moon. As it turns out, Rice teleported everyone to another place first- the Equestria Games. Following the conclusion of the Games, Rice snapped his fingers again and erased everyone's memories, everyone except Gust Grasp. He needed Gust's help to plunder what was left of Equestria after everyone else was gone, and so his mind was left unaltered.
"There were Games. I... was there," Dan remembered. He remembered everything. "And Nicky and Stevie... I was so proud of them. Even Chris. and Chrys especially."
"Yeah," Gust raised his claw. "But didn't you guys just run security?"
"YES! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Dan shouted. The humans had not competed in the Games, but rather worked as security, organized by Dan. Something he was very passionate about. "Hahaha... yes, yes, it's all coming back to me now."
"Heheh, see?" Gust said.
"Yeah," Dan walked over to him, smiling, chuckling. "And hey, you remember what I said I was going to do to you?"
"Haha... uhhhh," Gust stopped smiling. "Uh oh."
Dan strangled Gust. "YOU LEFT US! YOU LEFT US, YOU CHICKEN-FRIED COUNTRY-SEASONED PILE OF TREASONOUS BIRD CRAP!" He lifted the griffon off the floor. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?! YOU HAD EVERYTHING, YOU WERE RIGHT THERE! YOU COULD'VE TAKEN HIM OUT RIGHT THEN AND THERE!!"
"So, this is... this is normal for you all?" De Gauss asked Pinkie.
Shrugging, Pinkie simply said, "I try not to use the term 'normal.' Because what is normal, you know? I like to say 'business as usual' or 'regularly-scheduled insanity.' Or normal. But I TRY not to use the term 'normal.'"
"I mean Dan threatening people, strangling people, concocting elaborate revenge schemes, that happens often?"
"Pretty much every day."
That statement actually made De Gauss a bit nervous. For the first time since setting foot on New Pegas, De Gauss was beginning to doubt he had the upper hand. Sure, Dan was an unstable, violent maniac, that all was a given. But the ponies gave him the keys to the kingdom, essentially. They let him have access to nuclear weapons. If they were willing to let someone like Dan have that kind of power, they obviously didn't care much what he did with it... or they had total faith in him, which meant he was smarter than he looked.
De Gauss watched as Dan strangled his rival and thought, probably the former was truer than the latter.
He swallowed, his own neck suddenly feeling tighter. "Mr. Dan? Or... Mr. Wellington? Whichever you prefer-"
"IT'S DAN! Biff Wellington is just one of my many alter egos and a convenient disguise."
"It's also the name he orders sandwiches with," Pinkie said.
"Shuttup!" Dan released his grasp on Gust, who gasped as soon as he was free. Dan turned to face De Gauss again. "So, we're ready to deal for real, are we? But this time, it's me who's holding all the cards. It's just how it is, matey. The house always wins and you're in MY house now."
De Gauss looked back over his shoulder at Pinkie. "How many times has he rehearsed this?"
"F-fourteen..." Gust said, rubbing his neck.
"Don't make me step on you, turkey."
"I-I'd like a cider, please..."
"So, if you're willing to bet you can come out of this ahead, I've got news for you-"
"Yo, Dan?" Vinyl poked his shoulder. "I know you're doing a thing, but-"
"I am TRYING TO INTIMIDATE these worthless morons and it is HARD ENOUGH to make gambling puns without interruptions!"
Pinkie raised a hoof. "I gave you a book on gambling puns!"
"AND IT WAS VERY HELPFUL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, NOW SHUT UP BEFORE I DISMBEMBER YOU!"
De Gauss looked back and forth between them. He didn't see any controls for the nukes, but he had to guess they were on Dan's person. "Look, stealing is part of our economy. Not the only part, but a big part of it. We were going to steal stuff from you eventually. We're pirates. It's what we do. But the planet exploding reset everything for us, too. We needed the money now."
"So did we!" Dan exclaimed. "Wait..." Again, he turned back to De Gauss. He was starting to think like Nicky. "What for?"
The purple griffon realized he had made a slight error of disclosure. "I... we have debts. Our... our collectors were getting impatient. It is substantial."
"Wait, we're in debt?" Gust asked. He had apparently been out of his own state for quite some time. "To who?"
De Gauss looked at Gust. "You think we're just going to rely on a motley surf windsurf bum like you to finance all our needs?"
"Well, not ALL of them," Gust answered. It was clear he had not given the matter much thought.
"Look," De Gauss stepped forward. "Both our countries have needs. We'll give you back the gold. We'll even give you some gold we've stolen from other countries but we need the gems."
Dan rubbed his chin. "Why do you need the gems?"
De Gauss did not answer. Sweat was forming on his neck, but he kept his beak buttoned.
"Alright, if you don't want to talk, we can learn enough from the ashes." Dan pulled out a remote and pressed the button.
"Wait!"
This operation of Dan's was not just designed to get back their wealth. No, revenge was a teaching instrument. The consequence was combined with a lesson, and was harsher as a result. Not just a lesson for the griffons, but for anyone else who wanted to steal from Equestria. That was why he was doing this with a grand Las Vegas-style show. This would be recorded, broadcast thanks to Barro and would be recorded in history.
Barro was also still on his mission for Dan, so technically he didn't know that his station was broadcasting anything at the time. Honestly, should've expected it. Dan is always thinking ten steps ahead of everyone else.
The missiles fired. From the silos in the back of New Pegas, the missiles quickly launched up to the sky, streaking trails of fire into the night.
The biggest factor of what makes someone who they are, is what they do... and what they put an effort into doing. Effort has the biggest impact in life. So, to be a good person, being a hero, being anything positive in this world, one must first make a positive effort in their lives to be positive. What you do makes a difference and it starts with what you try to do. It all starts with the first try.
Negativity, however, is not simply a matter of not trying. The beginning of evil is not caring.
While Dan was busy with the De Gauss, the others had their own tasks. Applejack sold her baked goods, Rarity sold souvenirs, and other members of Gust's crew had other ways of keeping the griffons' minds occupied and off their money. Trixie would've provided live entertainment, but the showmare refused to perform in a disguise and so was broadcasting a televised magic show courtesy of the PANTS.
Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Chrysalis waited near the griffons' airships for Dan's signal. They would be ready when he launched Phase 2.
Meanwhile, Phoenix kept on eye things as best he could. He had faith in his friends and their plan. He felt relaxed at that moment, and just leisurely walked about the casinos. Then, he bumped into Fluttershy and found something else to do.
"Okay, I know-"
"This is just... this is so-"
"Please, just, try not to cry so much. You're gonna-"
*sniffle* Fluttershy may have been trying to stifle her sobs, but it was an unnoticeable effort to Phoenix. Unfortunately, one of the base jumping spiders had an accident and their bungie cord broke. The night was not entirely without tragedy.
"It was so young, Phoenix! They had so much-"
"I know, Fluttershy but really, you need to calm down." He looked around. (Is there a pet store on this thing?!) "Why didn't Rainbow Dash catch it?"
*sniffle* "We-well, she tried but..."
As Phoenix tried to lead Fluttershy away from the crowds, they bumped into Rainbow Dash.
"Rainbow?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Rainbow Dash said. She had greenish goop on her forelegs and chest. She held the other end of the broken bungie cord in her hoof and handed it to Fluttershy.
"Okay, that's... wow, well, we really need to get you both away from the griffons."
"Hehehey, looks like somebody had too much party, man!" "Oh gawd, man I'm so wasted." "You had like, ten ciders, man that'd waste anybody." "Duuuuuuuuuuuude!"
A pair of griffons noticed them, but kept walking by thankfully.
"How the heck could they get drunk?" Rainbow Dash asked. "AJ's serving non-alcoholic cider."
Phoenix waited until they were out of earshot and said, "They're not drunk, they're just idiots. And don't tell them that."
"That they're idiots or about the cider?"
"Either," Phoenix answered.
Eventually, the lawyer was able to get his two friends to a mare's room and get them cleaned up. Finally, with that done, he was able to stop caring for them every moment. Fluttershy was still sobbing but, Rainbow was there to comfort her and they were in the bathroom now where they wouldn't draw attention.
He stepped outside into the night air of New Pegas and exhaled deeply. He looked up at the moon, high in the sky.
(Getting pretty late. I hope Dan doesn't expect us to stay up all night.)
Most of the griffons were in the casinos or stores, not too many went between them so the streets were empty. Between the Ultra-Luxe and the Lucky 38 replicas, Dan found Kent. Well, technically, he found Kent on top of the Lucky 38, and Kent found him before he spotted him.
"Kent?"
The armored human jumped down, all the way down to the ground, what must've been at least fifty feet. And he landed right in front of Phoenix, on his toes.
"Gyaah!"
"Good evening, Mr. Wright."
"Uhhh... good evening," Phoenix said, stepping back a bit. "So, uh... how's the night treating you?"
"Fair," Kent said. "Dan's plan seems to be working thus far. At this rate, all of Equestria's wealth should be replenished within just a few years."
"Few... years?" Phoenix asked.
Kent nodded. "At the present rate of return. It's quite impressive."
"But but but, hang on, you said YEARS," Phoenix said. Kent said nothing, letting the lawyer continue. It was clear the armored figure would not speak if he didn't have to. "How exactly do you figure it's going to take years?"
"Mathematics," Kent replied. "Factoring in all known variables with known economic trends and expectations of trade, consumption of supplies and overall industry demand, the kingdom's GDP should stabilize fairly soon with expected growth and return to follow as other countries resume international relations."
"Uh... huh," Phoenix said, rubbing his chin. "So, you calculated all that, is what you're saying."
Kent nodded one time. "Yes. Given what I know of the kingdom at present." He turned and began walking away, nearly vanishing in the darkness.
And for whatever reason, Phoenix decided to follow him. Perhaps it was his nature just to be inquisitive or maybe he was curious. He picked up the pace to catch him.
"So, you uh, you did this all in your head?"
"Well, a lot of it is just rough predictions. I studied the problem and came to a reasonable conclusion. When I made the projections, it became clear it wouldn't be necessary for me to intervene, so I let Dan and the rest of you handle the problem as you saw fit."
"Right, right," Phoenix nodded. "And what would've happened if it had been necessary for you to intervene?"
Kent stopped and turned. "I would have intervened."
Phoenix nearly took a step back again, but didn't.
"Is there a reason that you're following me, Mr. Wright?"
"Umm, well, yes. I wanted to get to know you."
Kent mad a noise that sounded somewhere between a scoff and a chuckle, then turned his back to the lawyer again. "You and the rest of this planet. I've been to a lot of planets, lawyer, and this one is particularly dangerous. Emotions are already dangerous things and this world turns them into raw, physical power. It makes anyone who sets foot on this planet a major potential threat."
Again, Phoenix trotted to keep up with him, and they began walking around the Lucky 38.
"So, you clearly care about the planet. If you're willing to help us figure out our problems, and all."
"That is the present task, yes. If you're wanting to know why, it's because I owe Barro and Michael a few favors. And no, I'm not going to discuss them," Kent said.
Kent was right that emotions were powerful and especially dangerous on Equestria. Magic was a part of everything, and the bonds beings made on the planet became powerful sources of magic. They were not always benevolent in nature, and that made making such bonds a very tricky thing for those who were trying to minimize their impact on the world, even when it came to making friends.
One of the reasons ponies were just nicer to each other is because they were encouraged to be. Negative and positive emotions all had much more of an impact here on Equestria than any other world. It affected the environment, society, everything much more strongly, even small things from the nervousness of a lie to the agitation at suffering an inconvenience. Feelings just didn't stay in one place in Equestria, they moved and flowed through everything else.
Phoenix rubbed his chin. Kent said Barro and Michael together. If Kent wouldn't tell him, maybe one of them would.
"I'm just trying to get an idea of when you'll be helpful." The night seemed to grow darker around them, as if it was just two men talking in a void of darkness.
"You'll know when."
"Yeah, but you know how much we like to plan things out. Literally standing on one of those plans right now, so could you give me an idea of when and where you will intervene?" Phoenix asked.
Kent sighed. "When our enemies arrive, I will be there to defeat them. You can plan on that."
"What if they threaten us? Or take hostages?" Phoenix continued.
"They don't take hostages unless they plan on killing or using them."
Phoenix had him now. "You're speaking from experience. You've fought them before. Wait," Phoenix rubbed his chin. "You're not talking about OUR enemies."
Kent slowly turned and folded his arms.
"...you're talking about your enemies," Phoenix said, hoping he hadn't just made himself one of them.
"Considering they want your world and presumably you and the rest of the ponies off of it, I believe that would make them your enemies as well," Kent stated.
"And they took your world already. So you're wanting to prevent that from happening here. But you're not intervening at every opportunity, no..." Phoenix rubbed his chin. "You're waiting."
"Stop."
"Waiting for the right moment... or waiting for the right target?" Phoenix asked. And then, Phoenix found the answer. "You want revenge."
Kent stopped and turned abruptly. Something shattered like glass. "Stop. This discussion is over. Good night, Mr. Wright."
"I..." And as Phoenix was talking, Kent disappeared. Vanished from thin air, as if by magic. One moment, the orange-armored figure was walking right by him, the next his image faded and within a second, it was gone.
Phoenix was mostly a warrior with words, not his fists. And he was good at what he did. He knew that any information could be useful, and if someone was unwilling to answer certain things, they might divulge important details in other ways. How someone answered could be just as informative, if not more than the answer they gave. Kent had told Phoenix quite a bit.
(Remind me to thank Detective Gumshoe for questioning tips.)
Kent's psyche-locks had been shattered without him even noticing. Phoenix barely noticed he'd been doing it himself, but there had only been the one psyche-lock on Kent in the first place. What did this mean, though? Revenge... but not direct like Dan usually preferred. He had to find out more.
"If what happened to your planet could happen again, you should tell us. We won't be able to prepare otherwise," Phoenix said. He looked around, wasn't sure if Kent was still there. But sure enough, he appeared behind Phoenix.
"I..." And now it was Kent's turn. Phoenix turned to see the swordsman behind him, but didn't recoil this time. Kent, arms folded, seemed to consider something before finally, his arms lowered and he relented. "I'll tell you this, lawyer. Being a video game hero, being a hero of any story or being 'destined' to do something... it only goes so far."
"I know what it's like to lose. That's why they call me Phoenix." (Boy, I don't know if that was awesome or cheesy, probably both but I don't care. I feel so cool right now.) "I can help you if you let me."
Kent looked up at him. For a few very long moments, the two men simply looked at one another, considering what to say. Phoenix couldn't tell what he was thinking or even what he looked like under the armor but that was clearly the point. He knew something else about him, however from talking to him: he was young. Early to mid-twenties at the latest, younger than Phoenix, who was twenty-nine at time of writing.
"...It wouldn't have helped Taris."
"But-"
"There is a war coming, lawyer. And the biggest deciding factor that will determine the victor is will."
"Will?"
"Will," Kent repeated. "Insurmountable, undeniable, unmistakable and unrelenting will. The will to go farther, to hit harder, to strike deeper, to last longer, to do what your opponent will not. Will, Phoenix Wright. Will is power. Dan has quite a lot of it, which is why I tolerate your group's... unorthodox tactics and general... nonsense."
Phoenix shrugged, grinned and said, "I like to think of it as just shenanigans with plans. Plananigans." (I no longer feel cool.) He cleared his throat. "Umm, so you think that will is going to make the biggest difference in the upcoming battle?"
Kent nodded. "They're coming, Mr. Wright. From all corners. They want what you have, what Equestria has because it's special. And they'll climb and crawl and scramble over each other to get it. Kill each other, cut each others' throats to get it. Because they want it. If they want it bad enough, they'll get it. If they can't get it, they'll destroy it and watch it burn with a smile just to make sure that nobody else can have it. They have the advantage because they're trying to take it and you're trying to keep it. So you know what you have to do?"
"What?" Phoenix asked.
"You have to want it more than them." He disappeared again. Vanished into thin air. Phoenix thought he had to be on top of one of the buildings. And honestly, he was getting pretty annoyed with the guy.
"So you're just fine with being a shell, then?!"
"A shell has a purpose. It can still protect things," Kent said. As suspected, Phoenix spotted him atop the Lucky 38 again, right where he was. At least he'd learned a few important things. Fine, moody ninja dude wants to be that way, he can be that way for a bit longer. He walked in the direction of the main gates to check on Applejack and Rarity next.
New Libertalia griffon sky fortress Presently docked with New Pegas
Chrys had her own little assignment, one specifically given to her by Dan given her skillset. Skillset being her ability to change into a griffon. She found one of De Gauss's lieutenants that had one too many ciders, escorted him to the makeshift infirmary where he could sleep it off and pickpocketed what little credentials he had, which wasn't much. Then, she made her way to the airship.
She snuck her way to the New Libertalia, casually made her way up the gangplank and onto the docked airship. There was still a lot of traffic; griffons were offloading lots of cash, gold, jewels and stolen items in exchange for casino chips. All according to Dan's plan.
"Coming through, coming through! Hey down there, move it!"
Chrys backed away as a larger cart was pulled through by four griffons. And what was in the cart nearly caused her jaw to drop: ponies. Four of them, trapped in crystal, the same stasis crystal material they were stored in on the moon.
Except these ponies weren't from the moon. Another griffon wheeled a wheelchair behind the cart.
"Hey," Chrys asked the griffon with the chair. "Is that...?"
"Heheh, yeah, finally offloading this guy. Almost gonna miss him. Was nice seein' him above the galley. Seeing him always meant it was time to eat!"
Dr. Verner Veirdluv, aka Dr. Doomsday was the only Daring Do villain missing from the villain's gallery in the Bursavis Prison Complex. A brilliant pony scientist turned diabolical doctor, Dr. Veirdluv studied Equestria's past and seismology, tracking the planet over its history to the present day. He became obsessed with causing volcanic eruptions with the goal of returning Equestria to its primeval state, believing it was the only way for ponies to evolve. Very similar to Vice Grip, so Vice Grip wasn't even really original in his plans.
"Is that Dr. Weird Love?"
"IT'S VEIRDDLUV!!" the doctor shouted. Apparently, the stasis was not so effective on him. The wheelchair was also his, a necessity after a battle with Daring Do left him partially paralyzed. Dr. Weirdlove-
"IT'S VEIRDLUV!!!"
R-right, Dr. VIERDluv would've snagged the slot for Daring Do's number-one villain as voted by fans if not for his family, who were also just as deranged as he was. In typical cartoony comic fashion, Mrs. Dr. Vierdluv(Mrs. Dr. Doomsday), their teenage son Verner Jr.(Doomsday the Second) and daughter Minuetta(Minute from Doomsday) were also super villains that had tried to conquer/destroy Equestria in the past but had been foiled. The griffons were now selling them as a set.
"So... are these guys like, hostages?"
"Pffft, what you on about?" the griffon asked. "We're trading these prizes in, XO! Ten million bits each or thirty-five for the set! Gonna be a lotta chips comin' our way."
"Rrrright. Okay, well, good luck," Chrys said. She left the griffon and made her way onto the sky fortress.
"WHAT?!" De Gauss was stunned. He gasped, started panting. "What, how could you... but why?!"
"You should know something about me and bluffing," Dan said. "When I'm done bluffing, I'm done bluffing."
The monitor in the Lucky 38 control room continued to display the missiles. The trio of Sword Spell-equipped ballistic missiles continued rising into the night sky, burning a trail bright enough to see for miles. In fact, De Gauss and others could see the missiles as they rose ever skyward.
"Okay, Dan, please, come on," De Gauss said. His heart was racing, he was sweating, his knees felt weak, it was everything Dan wanted. De Gauss had become everything Dan wanted to see. "Stop the missiles, please! We'll give you back everything, come on, please!"
Dan beamed with pride. "Aww, what's wrong? You were happy enough to plunder, pillage and steal your way across the continent. You'll still be able to do that. You just won't have a nest to go back to, birdie."
"Don't be like that! This is insanity! It's not like you were even doing anything with that junk in your treasury! We robbed from the richest in Equestria, not the common folk! It was just the treasury, not the banks! And those rich gem-lovers in the Crystal Empire... we didn't steal from you!"
"You stole from me," Dan said coldly. "When you abducted our people to sell them into slavery!"
"Only the rich. The elite," De Gauss said, his voice weak and pleading.
Dan simply shook his head at him. The problem with casting yourself as a Robin Hood is that it puts yourself in a position of judgement. Eventually, you make a bad call, you screw up and you're no longer the hero. Villains can and do make mistakes but the hero can't. You can't ever let them see you bleed.
De Gauss may have started out just wanting to steal from the rich, but more had been affected. It was unavoidable. What little, remote defense he had was crumbling.
"I'm sorry," De Gauss said. He hung his head low. One of the greatest Daring Do villains(voted ninth favorite in the top ten of all time) and he was now truly defeated. "Please, don't destroy my people. They're innocent. We'll help you rebuild... everything. We'll return everything, I promise."
Dan smiled. He pulled out his remote and pressed a single button.
On the monitor behind him, the missiles detonated. The red Sword Spell warheads burst into fireworks, lighting up the night sky.
Dan turned to Gust Grasp. "And THAT is called bluffing."
"Indeed it is!" De Gauss' head shot back up. "You realize you just blew up your only leverage, right? All I had to do was give you my word but you should know, the word of a pirate is-"
Dan pressed the remote again. The monitor switched back to the launch silos where another trio of missiles was being prepped. "You were saying?"
"Nothing, not a thing, where would you like your money?"
Sword Spells were still magic. As Dan found out from fighting Rice the first time, they behave how you want them to, the spell does what the caster, or launcher intends it to do. It really was the perfect weapon for Dan as, even in an instant, they could go from weapons of mass destruction to harmless fireworks.
Or were they all just fake Sword Spells that Phoenix and others convinced Dan to use rather than real ones? Either way, De Gauss didn't know that.
"You wanna keep rolling the dice with your own country's safety, by all means, I made extra," Dan said, twirling the remote in his hands. "Not exactly Russian Roulette but I think I got the point across. You see, I do play games from time to time. But when you mess around with me, you should know... even when I don't have quite all the cards, I still have plenty of tricks up my sleeve."
Pinkie applauded. "And THAT is why I loaned you that pun book!"
"And this is why no one is ever going to ship us together."
"What was that?"
"Nothing," Dan said. And that is why everyone ships Dan and Pinkie together. He cleared his throat. "Now, you said you were in debt to the dragons?"
De Gauss got up. "Yes. Are you... are you going to nuke the dragons?"
"No. Maybe? Dunno. They haven't pissed me off like you have, so probably not. HOW MUCH do you owe them?" Dan asked.
The purple griffon looked down at the floor, down at his talons, shrugged and said, "Fifteen-million."
"Fifteen-million what? Bits, bobs, trinkets? Fifteen-million hugs and kisses?"
"Oooh, hugs and kisses are valuable," Pinkie said.
"Eggs," De Gauss said.
"Eggs?" Dan repeated. "Golden eggs? Faberge eggs? Those overpriced chocolate eggs they sell at Easter? Which?" He had at one point stolen all of those different types of eggs.
De Gauss looked down again, sighed and said, "Griffon eggs."
Dan's confused expression turned into a frown. "You sold your own eggs?" He was about to be appalled, facial muscles already beginning to contort into pure disgust, when he felt another claw on his shoulder- Gust's.
"We've been doing this for years, bro. It's not new."
Dan slowly turned. "You... you SELL YOUR OWN PEOPLE. TO DRAGONS." He didn't have to ask what the dragons did with them.
Gust gave an apologetic half-smile/shrug. "Hey, I mean, the dragons consider them a delicacy."
Stomach now churning angrily, Dan nearly spit with disgust. "Yeah, I'm sure they make one hell of an omelette."
"It's not like they're fertilized," Gust added. "It's what my species does, man. We've shared a border with the dragons, dinos and reptiles for years. They eat meat. Sometimes rocks. And when they're tired of fish, they trade steel, ore, coal and other stuff for eggs and feathers. We've got lots of those."
"And we were keeping them in cold storage for safe keeping," De Gauss said. "You resetting the world... wiped out our storage. Dragons get hungry, Dan. If we don't give them something else to eat..." Again, a sentence he didn't have to finish.
"You'll be on the menu. And all my chicken sandwich jokes will be a little too true for comfort, hmm?" Dan asked. Gust nodded timidly. "That's why you needed the Crystal Empire. Dragons can eat gems, too, don't they? You're going to feed them the Empire in lieu of the eggs you've lost."
"That was the plan, yes," De Gauss said. "Obviously, we need something to trade with them or our goose will be cooked. And then devoured. Stealing your gold and everything else, well, that was just added benefit. An opportunity too good to pass up."
"Yeah, well, your plan never would've worked in the first place," Dan told him.
Gust raised his claw. "To be fair, you would've tried the same thing if you even remotely thought you could pull it off."
"He's right," Pinkie agreed.
"Shut up, both of you." Dan thought. Dragons eating griffons, even griffon eggs was an unpleasant thought. But that's how things worked in Equestria; food was scarce, there were a lot more sentient creatures and those ate more meat than non-sentients. A lot of species evolved ways to utilize other food sources and some didn't. Dragons, being more timeless and mythical just stayed the way they were. They let the rest of the world do the changing.
"I have a way to for this to work," Dan said. He paced the room for a minute. "A way for us to be square with everybody. And nobody has to get eaten." That last part was especially relieving for De Gauss to hear. Dan tapped a finger to the side of his chin, pondering. "We're gonna need to send a few messages." He'd already sent a few of those, which was the reason for this display. Now, he needed to send a few other ones.
It may have not been the perfect scam, but it was one that worked. The griffons under De Gauss returned the Crystal Empire to its rightful place. There were a couple new jagged gashes in the side of the Crystal Palace, but most folks said they were hardly noticeable. Reluctantly, the griffons returned everything and everyone they had stolen.
Back in Canterlot, Dan and friends made sure each and every artifact was returned. They double-checked everything, making sure it was all in its proper place.
"So what exactly did you promise the dragons?" Twilight asked.
"I enjoy a nice slice now and then," Spike commented.
"Cake And," Dan continued, "some potions from the zebras, eggs from the griffons, corn from the donkeys and also, cake. From Tangy Top's confectionary."
"And then went for it?"
"Yep," Dan said. "And now, we're going to get their business when they want more, as will the donkeys and zebras."
"Ahhh, I get it. That's clever, Dan," Phoenix said.
"What's clever?" Chrys asked.
"Now, not only do we have the treasury full again, we also have more trade going on with the dragons, and so do the our neighboring nations. It's helping to rebuild the economy," Phoenix said.
Dan nodded, a proud smile on his face. "Eeyep. And unlike last time, we won't be putting all our eggs... in one basket!"
Nobody laughed at the pun. Pinkie's pun book came to mind, and the fact he hadn't returned it yet. Despite the lack of laughter, Dan was speaking the truth. The nations of the world were now working together more than ever before. And the results spoke for themselves.
All throughout Canterlot castle there were visiting dignitaries. With trade, diplomacy had resumed, and the exchange of culture, ideas and even family. There was another reason for that, however: Equestria's new territory and Twilight's new kingdom. The new relations had opened up more opportunities for expansion, for growth, for cooperation... and for harmony.
Working alone to develop the new territory north of Equestria, it would've taken ponies years to survey, set up and finally settle. A year at least of traveling back and forth, examining samples, let alone extending existing railroads to reach that far. Now, they had the proper motivation to get it done in a matter of weeks.
They exited Canterlot Castle into a new Equestria. The sun was shining, the sky was filled with pegasi and griffons, more ponies and non-ponies than ever walked about the streets.
And all respected Dan and friends.
"So what happens now?" Chrys asked. "What's going to happen to New Pegas?"
"It's gonna be the new Cloudsdale. Over our kingdom," Twilight said. 'Our kingdom.' The very thought sent a trill through the hearts of those that heard it, knowing they'd all be involved. Especially Chrys. "And I have someone very special in mind to be the manager."
"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm," Dan nodded. Then opened his eyes. "Wait, you didn't tell me who you were appointing."
Twilight giggled. "Oh, don't worry- you know him already. In fact, you're already good friends. Regular 'bros.'"
Dan's frown nearly hit the floor. "No. No, not him. Not after all he's done."
"Umm, does he mean Gust Grasp?" Chrys asked, having just transformed into Gust Grasp, as if any of them would've forgotten him.
"NOOOO! Change back. NOW!" Dan shouted. "You are forbidden from turning into that stool pigeon!"
Chrys grinned. "I know how I'm waking you up tomorrow."
"NOOOOO-NO. Nicky! Nicky, do you do marital law? Like divorce?"
"Thankfully no," Phoenix said. (Though to pay the bills, I might be inclined to do some extra work in the courtroom.)
"We're not even married," Chrys said, returning back to her usual form. "Like you'd do that anyway."
"I am pre-divorcing you. It will be part of the prenuptial agreement."
"Pffft," Chrys rolled her eyes. "I can tell when you're bluffing. But you have giving me a lot to think about. In fact," she looked over at Twilight, "Hey, Twilight?"
"Mmmm, yes?"
"Wanna help me plan a wedding?"
"WEDDING?!" Dan exclaimed. From a frown that nearly drooped to the ground to so wide-eyed he nearly hit the sky... metaphorically, Dan felt his heart exploding in his chest. The very thought of a wedding, much less one between himself and Chrys was just so... just so... appropriate.
"Sure! We can talk to the girls and get them to help, too," Twilight said.
"I never agreed to any of this- Nicky! Nicky, I need to sue somepony!"
"Can't hear ya, gettin' a churro." He and Spike were getting churros from a street vendor. They were getting quite popular after the publicity from New Pegas.
Twilight and Chrys had already walked ahead of him, talking, heading back to the train station as they discussed the wedding. Their wedding. The wedding Dan didn't agree to.
"CHRYS!" Dan yelled, "GET BACK HERE! COME BACK!" He was now in the middle of the street, his friends forcing him to catch up in more ways than one. But still, he wouldn't have been Dan if he didn't do at least some protesting.
"CHRYS!! I am SO NOT BLUFFING! This is not a bluff! We are pre-pre divorced! And I'm claiming sole custody of Fluffle Puff and the kids! Her kids, I mean. Chrys! Get back here! CHRYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dan chased Chrys, Twilight, Phoenix and Spike all the way back to Ponyville, arguing with them the entire way. It was rather one-sided, however. Still, Dan continued, and so did they, loving each other in their own ways. For better or worse, they were together, and after all they'd just been through, it was nice to plan on some better in their future.
High atop one of Equestria's peaks, a sole figure watched the slight commotion they made in Canterlot. A bit more rugged, a bit more haggard now than usual, he was still no less deadly, devious and cunning than he was before, and soon they would all know it. Rice Puddinghead said nothing, only watched as Dan chased after his friends. For a time, he had wanted to get revenge on Celestia and Luna, on all of Equestria, even on Twilight and all the ponies who had tried to bury him in the past, but now, Rice only thought of getting revenge on one in particular. One person.
His eyes drifted from Dan to Chrys. From a distance, he watched her for a very long time. Just as she had watched him.
Next time on Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship... not gonna lie, I'm wrapping this up early.
"Does that mean I finally get to kill somebo-"
We're skipping to the end, folks. You've waited long enough and so have I. For now. Hey, if George Lucas can do episodes out of order, then so can I.
"Okay, cool. Who is that again?"
"Eh, I prefer George Carlin, anyway."
Episode 25: The Final Battle- Dan Vs. Vice Grip. Next Saturday, the fate of Equestria will be decided... and secrets will be revealed.
"Neat. Wait, so do we get to find out who the Director is?"
"You know, you COULD just tell us now... if you wanted."
Only on FIMFiction.net
"Knew you were gonna say that. Friggin announcers."
The sun rose on another Ponyville day. But Dan was already up. He got dressed, looked back at Chrys, saw her still in bed. She stirred a bit.
"Hmmm... mmmm, you're up early."
"Yeah. I'm just gonna head out for a walk, get some air."
"Okay," Chrys said. "I'll be... here..." she said, and went back to sleep just as quickly.
"I know you will," he said, smiling. "I'll be back soon." It was nice to have something to come back to. It was nice to have someone to come home to. It made all the difference, the biggest difference in the world.
And he wasn't going to waste it.
Dan left the library and walked around town. The sun's first rays were still peeking over the landscape and the air was cool and crisp, just enough to give him a brisk chill with each gust that blew through. Any other time, he might've felt it was uncomfortable to be out when it was still this chilly, but now, the cold was comforting. The icy early morning wind on his face made his heart pump harder, made him feel more alive with each breath.
Ponies were still waking up. Unlike other cities, where activity and hustle and bustle were prevalent at every hour of the day, things were quieter in Ponyville. The town woke up gradually. Shops and stores opened, doors and windows opened, all at once Ponyville woke up to another day. By the time sunlight chased away the last remnants of the night, the town was awake again, almost as much a living thing as the ponies that lived there.
Dan watched it all unfold. He leaned against the streetlamp he'd originally swung on when he arrived in town, just watching the town. Ponies pulled wagons and carts through the streets, fillies and colts made their way to school, pegasi took to the sky to begin their weatherly duties.
"Morning, Dan!"
"Morning."
"Morning, Dan!"
"Good morning, Derpy."
"Morning, Dan."
"Good morning, Mrs. Petalmino. And morning Colgate."
"Morning!" Colgate waved, her smile extra-bright as always. It reflected light in Dan's eyes just for a brief moment with the shine of her teeth, but it didn't annoy him. It didn't aggravate him in the slightest. He shielded his eyes with his hand, waved back, and went on his way.
In spite of everything that happened, Ponyville hadn't changed. Well, not much, at least. It still had its heart. Equestria was the same, apart from a few new additions. Daring Do had a new novel published, Discord had a new t.v. show, Fluttershy had a new ant farm and a couple new fish in her aquarium, fluffer fish.
And in spite of him, Ponyville hadn't changed. All he had done, through trial and triumphant, disaster, destruction, rebuilding and renewal, his actions both selfless and selfish, Ponyville remained as it always had been. Equestria was still the same, again, apart from a few new additions. Several of which Dan had been a part of, and others which had been more of an artistic choice.
It was a world. Living, breathing, moving and flowing. Life still happened, still moved on regardless of how singularly important one person or event seemed. It didn't wait for anyone. Once, Dan had been something of a celebrity, then an oddity, then just another part of what made Equestria what it was. Two years ago, ponies wondered when he would be leaving, or how long he'd stay. Now, if he was suddenly gone, they'd wonder where he went.
This is how he knew he was part of Equestria, how they all, subconsciously or otherwise, knew. It was hard to imagine Equestria without him.
Not every pony waved or said good morning. Even though he was technically a noble now. Many just went on about their day, working and living. He watched the town for several hours that day.
A group of ponies visiting from the west went to the spa. Some younger ponies flew kites in the park while a quartet of mares and stallions were on a double date. He spotted a certain fast pegasus bolting through the sky overhead.
"Hey, Rainbow!"
Rainbow spun her head around. "Oh, hey Dan!"
"What's the weather like this weekend?"
"Well, there's gonna be rain on Saturday, and it'll be mostly clear Sunday. Why, are you planning something?"
Dan shook his head. "Nah, you know I'd let you guys know ahead of time." It was courteous to schedule certain weather a week or more in advance if you put in a request with the weather service.
"I know, I know! You coming cloud riding with Twilight and us next week?"
"Wouldn't miss it," Dan said.
He went to Sugar Cube Corner and was able to pick up a drink and a sandwich before the lunch rush hit. Haybacon, lettuce, tomato, peanut butter and jelly on toasted marble rye with a pickle, one of his favorites. One of his new favorites since coming to Equestria. Ate it quickly just a half hour past noon, saw Fluttershy ordering and Pinkie Pie behind the counter. They both said hi to him.
Dan passed by Carousel Boutique and saw Rarity and Sweetie Belle. They both were busy dressing up the clothing shop for something. He even saw Phoenix and Spike running an errand there for Twilight, picking up a few items.
"You were out a bit early."
"Yeah, I felt like hitting the block a bit."
Both Phoenix and Spike raised alternate eyebrows. "And this doesn't involve hitting anyone else? In the face, maybe?"
Dan chuckled. "Heh, well, not today, anyway. See you guys back at the house."
"Alright, see ya."
He went to see Applejack and Sweet Apple Acres last. There was plenty of work to do and AJ and her family were out doing it, as always. Applebucking season was still a few months away, but there was work to be done in the fields, tending to the soil. Big Mac cared for the newer plots while Granny Smith and Apple Bloom examined the trees. Applejack did the planting and watering, and they all helped with irrigation and maintenance, checking and double-checking to make sure it was all balanced.
It took a family to do it all, all of them working together. He waved at the Apple clan as they worked the fields, then left. Didn't bother them, didn't ask for a freshly-baked pie or a mug of cider, just waved and then turned around and left. If they any of them, especially AJ, had thought of it longer, his behavior might've seemed odd. But because he didn't stay a moment longer, didn't say or do anything beyond a smile and a wave, they thought no more of it.
The well-traveled road from the acres to Ponyville felt good beneath the soles of his shoes. The air was refreshing, carried on it notes of various subtle trees, a few flowering. He decided to walk around all of Ponyville, take the long way back home. The defenses of the town were retracted, only the tops of the wall visible from the outcropping and the occasional speaker box visible hanging from a roof. That and the library were the biggest physical changes he's made to Ponyville, to Equestria in general and they were barely visible. Like him, they had blended seamlessly into everything that was Equestria.
Harmony. He was at harmony with Equestria at last. The world, its ponies had fully integrated into life with him, as he with them. This was the first real feeling of harmony.
He returned to the same streetlamp he'd touched when he arrived in town. He patted it again, took a deep breath, let it out slowly, smiled and nodded to himself.
Harmony, he thought, felt good. He then headed back home, knowing that he was about to ruin that harmony.
Chrys burst from the upstairs bathroom, yeah they have one of those, with her mane in the process of being done. "Is this Plan Q?! Is this Plan Q?! WHICH ONE IS IT?!"
"No no, if he comes in screaming and turns and starts boarding up the door, that's Plan Q. Plan F is when he comes in screaming with power tools and/or flammable objects," Phoenix explained.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH"! Dan yelled his way into the kitchen.
Twilight and Spike said nothing. They walked around Chrys upstairs, walked downstairs, past Phoenix and Kent in the living room and into the kitchen. Chrys shrugged and followed them.
Phoenix looked over the couch into the kitchen, then to Kent.
"So..." the lawyer began, leaning forward. "You uh... you think we should join them?"
Kent said nothing, continued to read the newspaper.
"Kent? Hello?"
The knight tapped something on his neck. "Yes?"
"I was saying, you want to go join them in the kitchen?"
Slowly, the other man carefully folded the paper and put it down. "I suppose."
"Are you like... are you able to just ignore whatever you want to, or something?" Phoenix asked. How he was able to just sit there with Dan screaming through the house was beyond belief.
"Yes. Also, I can activate sound dampening on my helmet. Very useful for meditation."
"Ah." (Wow... hmmmm.) "Do you happen to have an extra one of those helmets?"
"No."
They went to the kitchen and took their seats while Dan laid out his plan. Or rather, the pitch before the plan, which could be summed up very simply.
"We have to get him," Dan said. And no matter how many times he explained it, no matter how many times they tried to argue with him, it circled back around to that one point.
"We have to get Rice Grip. We have to find him and take him out. One last time."
"Dan," Spike was the first to protest. "Things are going pretty good right now."
"We haven't seen or heard anything about him in months. He might be gone for good," Phoenix said. (Though, I have to admit there's plenty of wishful thinking about that last part.)
Dan shook his head. "He's out there. And he will come back. I don't know when, I don't know how but he'll come back."
"How exactly do you know this?" Kent asked. The armored figure sounded actually interested.
Dan stood up, paced around the table a bit. "I know Equestria. Things do not just go away because people here leave them alone. More so than Earth, really, things come back to haunt us. Always."
Chrys lowered her head. "Even things you thought were long forgotten... and buried. Not that I'm referring to anything specific," she quickly clarified, perking up. "Because we DID something about it. Fluffle Puff did. And then, you invited me into your home, and now we're friends, and-"
"It's okay, Chrys," Twilight said, her voice consoling the changeling. Chrys was a bit hyper-reactive about certain topics.
Twilight then stood up and braced her hooves on the table. Dan instinctively took a seat, though no one was quite sure why. She's still a princess and an alicorn, so she had her intimidating moments.
She raised her head and locked eyes with Dan. "Do we know where he is?"
Dan held up a hand. He raised up two fingers, then flipped his hand around and he was suddenly holding a picture between both fingers. He tossed it across the table and it landed in front of Twilight. Spike had helped Dan learn some card tricks and close-up magic. And Spike, believe it or not, had picked that up from Trixie.
"Barro sent me that two days ago. On the back is the location- the Prosperity Mountains, just a few miles north of Canterlot."
"Wait," Phoenix said, rising up "so the place where he is... is the EXACT place we thought he was this entire time?"
Everyone at the table slowly turned to him. Phoenix slowly sat back down again.
"Nicky is right."
"He is called Phoenix WRight, after all," Spike said.
"A for effort, D for execution," Chrys said.
Dan looked up at all of them. "Nicky is right about this. This has been a long time in coming, too long. We should've done this a long time ago."
"OBJECTION!" Phoenix stood. "What I was saying is that we COULD have done this a long time ago."
"And there's no time like the present! Exactly, Nicky!"
He sat down yet again. "I'm just gonna stop trying now."
"Save it for the courtroom," Kent said.
"Good idea. Wait, you think someone's going to get sued when all this over?"
"Yes. Us," Kent replied.
Twilight nodded. It was amazing that despite all the nonsensical banter, the two of them could have a serious conversation. But this had happened multiple times before, so perhaps there was a point to it. Perhaps, the fact seriousness and nonsense can coexist pretty much in the same place, at the same time, side-by-side, was the point after all, part of it, anyway.
"So, which plan are we using?" Twilight asked. "What strategy? What tactics? What weapons? Which plan of yours, out of all your plans are we going to use for our final, most important revenge mission on Vice Grip?"
Dan locked eyes with her again. He looked around the room, felt the eyes of his friends on him, looking at him, hanging on his every word. He inhaled, exhaled and said,
"Nothing."
"What?!"
"Nothing," Dan said. "We are not planning this out. No wasting time studying terrain, researching weather conditions, conducting experiments and drills, calibrating weapons or hiring somepony to babysit Fluffle Puff while we're gone. None of that this time."
"So, what ARE we going to do?" Spike asked. "Just get everybody we know together, hike across mountains, trek through woods and march up to him and kill him?"
Dan nodded. "Exactly." Before they had a chance to protest, before a single groan could be uttered, Dan followed it up with, "And we're getting EVERYBODY this time. Pack your things, sort your stuff. I am going out to rally everyone I possibly can, the whole entire kingdom, the Crystal Empire, the donkeys, the zebras, the griffons, goats, the seaponies which may or may not exist in this universe-"
"They do, we established that when we found your tank rebuilt and no one was around."
"And we are going to kick his ass so hard it makes a dent in history that echoes across time and space. Eons from now, they will be able to look back and reorganize the history of a grand, over-arching multiverse on this singular point, the time when Dan kicked this one guy's ass so hard, it broke the planes of existence temporarily and everyone cheered so hard that peace reigned for an eternity and a half afterward."
"Alright," Twilight said.
"Does that mean you agree? Just like that?" Chrys asked. "Are we really doing this?"
"Think of it like a 'last hurrah,'" Phoenix said. (Until the next one.)
"Get your affairs in order, all of you," Twilight ordered. "I will go to the other princesses and my brother."
"I'll send messages to the other towns," Spike said.
"I'll spread the word around Ponyville," Phoenix added.
"I will inform our allies in other kingdoms," Kent stated.
"Thpp-thppp thpp thpp thppp thpp-thpp" Fluffle said, which probably meant, "I will contact our woodland friends, critters and the foodimals!"
And Chrys said, "And I'll... ummm," she couldn't think of anyone. Her first thought was the other changelings... but after all this time, she still didn't know where they were. No one did.
Dan patted her shoulder. "It's alright, Chrys. You just get ready. I want you right by my side when we do this. We'll do this together. And then..." He grinned, leaned over and smooched her. "Then, we can plan other things."
Chrys blushed unbelievably bright red. Plan M2(meaning 'marriage,' the first Plan M was murder), was still something they had only barely mentioned. Chrys had left enough hints on insect mating rituals and hive-building magazines that Dan had finally caught on. He was actually enthusiastic to build a changeling hive and possibly take on the role of changeling king, though Chrys had to admit those were mostly her bug queen hormones driving her. The wedding would definitely first, and they would talk about a future together afterward.
But would that future have more changelings, or just her?
"I, umm," Chrys picked Dan's hand off her shoulder and held it in her hooves. "I think I might need a day to myself. To prepare."
Dan nodded. "Fine, that's fine. Take a spa day tomorrow. Go relax, get ready while I'm out rallying the mob."
"Okay," Chrys nodded back. She wished she sounded more confident than she felt.
Dan rose. "This is it, my friends. The last plan. We hit him with everything we've got, no holding back, and we take him out. We will bury Vice Grip in the past and seize our destiny and Equestria's future for ourselves, once and for all! Tomorrow will be ours!"
Dan was entirely honest with his friends. He went to rally the troops, recruit everyone he could, spread the word and rouse the allies for one final battle. He needed them all. He just didn't know if they needed him.
But they all needed every advantage they could get. Apart from all the superweapons, the magic spells, the tricks and tactics and talents of all those assembled, even getting snacks and making sure everybody had everything they needed, there was one last thing he could do. So, he set out to do that, too.
Manehattan Temple Beth Akhale-Teke
In the middle of the week, in particular at this time of day, the Manehattan temple didn't get many visitors. There were a few ponies there, a few donkeys and goats but not many. Still, some noticed Dan and recognized him. But none bothered him.
The building was old, one of the oldest in Manehattan and a bit naturally chilly because of it. There were plenty of lanterns and candles, lighting up the place probably more than it needed. There were stained glass windows, high up on the walls. Because of the high rises and skyscrapers nearby, they didn't get a lot of light, probably the reason for the lanterns. The building shined from light within.
Dan looked up at the stained glass as he passed by the pews. Walls were even higher than the halls of Canterlot Castle, and there were no images of Celestia or Luna. The image held in these glass windows was that of the Fausticorn on one side, and Megan Williams on the other.
"Did you need something? Can I help you?"
"Yes, I..." Dan looked around. Suddenly, he didn't know why he was here. He knew why he was there, but he didn't know how to get what he came for. "I, uh... umm I just-"
"Would you like to speak to the rabbi? He should be back from lunch soon."
Dan nodded nervously. "Yeah, yeah I think... yeah, that would be good."
She nodded. "His office is this way."
"Thanks."
She led him down the hall to a small room. Even as he departed, he could hear a couple of the visitors whispering about him. Being a nobleman and a celebrity now, he knew he should start getting used to it.
"Hi-uh, hello there," the rabbi said upon entering. Dan had already taken a seat. Shuffling a bit, the stallion rounded the table to take his seat, immediately pulled it up and leaned forward. Ponies in Manehattan were busy folks.
"Um, hello."
"Hello, yes, I'm a, I'm Rabbi Goldsteed." He reached out across the table and shook Dan's hand. "I'm sorry it took me a while- got caught in the lunch rush. Impromptu, didn't have time to order ahead."
"It's alright," Dan said, taking a deep breath. Where did he even begin? The rabbi looked enough like a rabbi, at least for Equestrian standards. Black hat, black suit, beard, white cloth that looked like a towel with the Star of David on either side. Actually, it WAS a towel in this case, and the Star of David was slightly angled so it looked like Twilight's cutie mark.
"What can I help you with?" Goldsteed asked. "To be quite honest, you struck me as a bit of a... well, more of a gentile."
"I just like Christmas. And sometimes Easter," Dan was quick to clarify.
"I'd heard as much. About the, uh, Christmas thing. If you want, I could put you in touch with Pastor McManeis or Father O'Hayle, if you'd prefer. It's not a problem; we actually play golf together."
"No, no, this is fine," Dan shook his head. The rabbi was a fast-talker, like most Manehattanites. Dan leaned forward, rubbed his fists together. "I... uh, I really-"
"What seems to be troubling you, my friend?"
"Well..." Dan was drawing a complete blank. The Fausticorn, that was why he was here. Whether or not she was real, what her powers were, the legends of Equestria, what all they entail. But he didn't know how to ask that. "Could you explain to me exactly... what it is you believe?"
The rabbi looked down his nose at Dan, eyebrows shifting. "You want me to explain Judaism? I mean, I can if you want, but if you're really interested, I could give you a copy of the Haybrew Bible- that's probably where you should start. Don't you live in a library?"
Dan nodded. "Yeah, uh, well, I don't exactly have a lot of time to read everything. I'm about to do something, and a lot of things are happening at once and I just..." he looked away. "I need to know a little bit more. To see if I'm doing what's right for everyone here. For everypony here."
The rabbi worked his jaw, tapped his hoof on his desk. It seemed like he was almost as much at a loss as Dan was.
"Well," the rabbi began, "in essence, our people believe we made a covenant with our lord. Times of great hardship, over generations, our faith has seen us through, our faith that the Lord cares for us and watches out for us. We honor Her, and we honor that covenant to this very day. We believe that there's a place for us, and that in honoring our beliefs, we make the world a better place."
We believe.
Faith was a powerful thing. Depending on the type of belief, depending on what was believed in, faith could be the motivator, the spirit that sustained the will to do great things. This was a battle of faith and always had been. Not necessarily religious faith, but faith in one's friends, one's community, one's nation... one's fellow man. Fellow pony, in this case.
Communities were fragile things, as were many ecosystems. One of the main problems with the United States, as Dan and Phoenix and Steve had come to know, was that there was just a lot of people. Equestria's population was large as well, and the larger a kingdom, of any kind, the bigger the problems were and the more people could slip through the cracks. Part of Dan's resentment with his own country, his own planet was the fact that people let things go, let things slide, cut corners and did all sorts of things every day that they knew they shouldn't, burying countless things under the rug until it became a mountain too big too ignore. A mountain that could trip up everything, could explode at any given notice like a volcano, or contain buried underneath it something that becomes dark and twisted... and eventually comes back to haunt you.
Dan hated the aspect of humanity that made its own problems. You are your own worst enemy. Because Dan was so much like Rice, it was even more motivation to fight him and end him once and for all. He was fighting to rid the world of people like himself. Rice truly was everything Dan would have been if Dan had not been there already. Countless lies, mistakes, cruelties, misdeeds and neglect buried in the past until it had become a mountain.
Faith can move mountains. But Dan needed enough faith and firepower to destroy one.
"Are you having doubts?" the rabbi asked.
Dan shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."
The rabbi nodded. "It's natural to have doubts. Faith wouldn't be what it is without doubts of some kind. Just like you aren't the same person without your own unique problems and your own unique solutions to them."
"What can you tell me about faith in Equestria? Harmony, friendship, faith, all that shi-stuff. What does it mean to you, uh, you guys?" Best not to swear in a place like this.
"You mean Jews? Ponies? Or-"
"Everybody, I guess. This is uh... well, I don't really do this often. Or at all. So just tell me all you can."
The rabbi paused for a minute, then leaned forward again. "Alright, then. Well..."
And the two discussed faith in Equestria. Perhaps it was a conversation Dan needed to have a long time ago, not just with a pony, not just so he could learn more about Equestria itself, but so he could learn what faith, among other things, truly meant to him. Not just him, either, but the world and people around them, on Earth as well. He still didn't share quite the same beliefs as Rabbi Goldsteed, or anyone else for that matter, but he could share the same faith.
He went into the temple thinking about how he could use others, how he could use faith to motivate everyone. Dan left having learned how to use it for himself. He had a better idea for a game plan now.
The two talked for a couple of hours.
"Thank you," Dan said. "Thank you for your time."
"It's fine, you're welcome."
He looked up at the rabbi one more time. "The Fausticorn departed Equestria thousands of years ago, right?"
"Yes, over five-thousand years ago."
Dan decided not to bring up the issues with timing and things like that. Suffice to say, there were a few discrepancies, but perhaps certain details were more of an understanding for ponies then, and that what changed was their understanding now. Fluffle Puff and Chrys were both thousands of years old, and they never saw the Fausticorn.
Not that Dan was aware of, anyway.
"Why did Faust leave Equestria?"
"Well," the rabbi smiled, "we don't know. The texts don't really tell us a reason for every decision the divine makes. It's simply stated in the early books that the Fausticorn created Equestria, and divined all the creatures that call it home, and that she cared for them all. She set before us a destiny and that one day, we would fulfill it. After that, she departed, and watches us to this very day."
Dan nodded. It made sense one pony wouldn't have all the answers. He got up. "Thank you again for your time, rabbi." The old Dan would have stayed and likely argued with the rabbi for hours, picked apart every story and found holes in everything to the point he'd get thrown out. This Dan, however, simply thanked him for his time and got up to leave. He also stole several pens, candies and all the bits from the collection plate. He was still Dan, after all. Lunch in Manehattan was not cheap.
Dan was halfway out the door when the rabbi said, "There's uh, well there is one other thing."
"Yeah?"
The rabbi leaned forward again. "Well, maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but there is another legend about the Fausticorn."
Slowly, Dan closed the door. "Go on."
"It's not in any Haybrew texts. Most other rabbis probably wouldn't tell you this, but the gypsies, you know, they have stories. There's one about the Fausticorn."
"Gypsies?" Dan asked. "Not like the hippies, I hope. Please, NOT the hippies."
The rabbi held up his hooves. "Hippies, gypsies- look, I hear things. We get a lot of travelers here, we don't send people away just because they don't necessarily... bathe as often as we'd all like. Are you interested or not?"
Dan folded his arms, weighed the decision. "...Fine."
"Well, civilizations have come and gone throughout our history. During the Great Exodus from the Valley, there's records that a lot of kingdoms were encountered by ponies, others, and some disappeared. But not all of the inhabitants disappeared, no, some joined the gypsies, they say. Some survivors, surviving families joined the traveling caravans and such, and although they lost most of their customs, some of their histories survived as legends and stories."
Dan took his seat again. Old civilizations were things Daring Do was interested in, but there was more than one reason she was a mostly-fiction author. Very little was still known about pre-Equestrian cultures. The Great Exodus was a long period when the three tribes of Equestria departed the Kingdom of the Enchanted Valley, called Enchantria for short at the time. The ponies were the last group to do so due to food shortages. Archaeologists had searched for years but Enchantria remained a mystery, its location lost to time.
"One of these stories involved the Fausticorn. It's said that when she was finished making Equestria, she became lonely. It's said she never really left at all."
"Why?" Dan asked. "She just literally MADE a planet and a bunch of new species. Why be lonely?"
The rabbi shifted. "I don't know. One of the theories is that she is too powerful to be among us, her very thoughts and voice too powerful to be near and so, she removed herself from the world. It's why her magic works through things like the Elements of Harmony, the Pillars or the Voices."
"Okay, okay. I'll let that slide, then. Continue."
"According to the gypsies, she tried to make her own friends. She used her own shadow as the form, the leftover elements as a body and echoes as her voice, but each time, it only created something twisted and dark. She only succeeded in creating a distorted effigy of herself, a shadowy figure without a face."
"A faceless one?"
The rabbi nodded. "Afterward, she contemplated leaving forever and in so doing, summoned a portal to another world within a mirror. But her reflection stood in her way."
"Her reflection?" Dan asked, sounding more than skeptical. Whatever faith he had did not involve any hippy crap. "Her own reflection stood in her way?" That was another difference between Haybrew books and Hippy stories- the hippy stories were a different breed of dumb.
"Her reflection mocked her, and she realized that it her reflection was like her, but backwards in every way, wrong. So she used all her power to destroy the mirror, breaking it into millions of fragments. Then, it's said she took on the guise of a regular pony, with the last of her strength, and chose to live with us on Equestria as just another friendly face."
"Okay," Dan nodded. "I can see why you didn't think you should tell me that shi- garbage."
"They're just tales the gypsies tell their children. Mirrors can be portals to other realms, and sculptures and things can take on a bit of a life of their own. It's just the way they teach their kids lessons to keep them safe, stay away from dangerous stuff," Rabbi Goldsteed explained.
Dan got up again. "Well, thank you again, rabbi. It's been enlightening."
"You're welcome. You're gonna return those bits to the collection plate, right?"
"Merry Christmas! And happy Hanukkah- tell Vinyl and Tavi I said hi when they drop by," Dan closed the door.
He left the temple pretty quickly after that. High on the walls, one of the stained glass images of the Fausticorn did catch his eye. He remembered seeing another one in the Sand Castle. But that was a different Fausticorn.
Chrys woke up slowly the next day. Dan and the others were in high spirits. Dan, because he would be finally getting revenge on Vice Grip, and the others because it would finally all be over. For better or worse, there would be a resolution to this conflict.
For better or worse...
She went downstairs into Fluffle and Fuzzle's den and helped feed the flufflings. They were growing well, some even starting to climb the walls a bit with help. Fluffle helped nudge them as they slowly walked up the wall, being a good fluffy mom.
Chrys smiled as she watched them. She only helped where she needed as not to interfere. Fluffle and Fuzzle were good parents. She fed them their ham and watched them devour it in a swarm of adorable noms.
Fluffle padded her way over to where Chrys sat and watched.
"Hi Fluffle."
"Thpp thpp thpp?"
"No," Chrys said. "Nothing's wrong. It's just..." She looked away.
"Thpp-thpp-thpp thpp thpp-thpp thppp-thpp."
"I guess you could say that," Chrys said. In truth, seeing her with the flufflings and her own family made Chrys think about her own. The changelings had been her only family before meeting Dan and the others. Taking care of Fluffle and the flufflings helped soothe her motherly urges, but she still thought of the changelings from time to time.
Even more so recently, now that she and Dan were engaged. Becoming a queen of the changelings was something she had literally been born into; she simply became a queen and the other changelings were her drones. Things had seemed simpler back then, but they were better now. She wasn't a queen any more, but she'd never really been royalty in pony terms anyway. Now, becoming a pony princess, maybe, was a possibility.
Becoming a wife was a possibility. Maybe even mother.
The thoughts made her heart flutter, hastened her pulse. The future was daunting, but she knew that she'd be okay. She'd have Fluffle and Dan and others to get through it together. It was something challenging, even intimidating at times but it was also something to look forward to.
There were just a few things, one part of the past that had yet to be reconciled. Maybe it was time to reconcile it. Maybe it was time to let it go.
"I know," Chrys said. She smiled. "I'm happy for you, sweetie." Fluffle and Fuzzle had a nice family, a big one. There was Flipple and Flopple, twins, were among the oldest of their fluffy foals. Flipple was an acrobatic colt, and Flopple was a more lazy filly that liked to flop, chill and nap. She was the best at relaxing and napping, real pro. Fizzle was a hyper-active filly that really enjoyed sweets, and Fumble was a little on the clumsy side, but did his best to be helpful.
"Thrrrbbb-thrrrmmm-thrrrbb!" Fuzzle waved Fluffle over. Purfle had lost her glasses again.
"Thpp-thpp!"
Chrys nodded. "Go ahead. I'm going to go back upstairs. I'll see you for dinner."
Did her changelings have names? She'd never thought of them as anything except drones... until Shifty. Shifty, a mysterious changeling that had appeared when she'd returned to Canterlot to attack them, he'd disappeared after the battle. No one knew what became of him or where he was now.
"You're not our mother!"
Chrys remembered what he had told her, all that time ago. Originally, she and her friends had thought Shifty had said it out of resentment over her apparent 'betrayal.' But now, she was thinking it might have meant something else. If she wasn't his queen, was she still Queen Chrysalis? Or was she just Chrys?
She walked back up the stairs and into the living room. Dan, Twilight, Phoenix, Spike and Kent were all out for the day. The rest of the house was empty, except for Owlowiscious up in the observatory. He had been busy keeping track of things, any signs or developments in the stars above, seeing as how they were expecting more uninvited guests.
Sighing, she thought about maybe reading a book. Initially, she had thought of trying to help recruit allies for the final revenge on Vice Grip, but then thought better of it. Changing into something, or even going just as herself might not have the desired effect. It was a strange predicament; if she was honest, she seemed deceptive and if she deceived others, it might seem honest. Trying to be good, it was harder to deceive friends for any reason for her.
The library was still and quiet. It stayed this way for a few minutes, enough time for Chrys to pick up a book and open it, to consider reading it before she heard a noise. Music coming from the upstairs bedroom.
"Hello? Hello?" Chrys looked up and above the stairs. "Fluffle? You on the Xbox?"
No answer. But she distinctively heard the game console startup. She and Fluffle often played shooters online with Princess Luna and sometimes Button Mash.
"Is anyone up there?" Chrys flew up, skipping the stairs. She gripped the handle with her magic and slowly opened the door.
A gasp died in Chrys' throat.
The Director was sitting on the floor, playing a video game.
"Did you want to play a game?" She looked over her shoulder at Chrys, smiling. "There's still time for a little fun."
"I-I-I-I..." Instinctively, she backed away, back out the door and buzzed her wings again. But Cleo's magic pulled her quickly back in, an invisible force, no aura, and slammed the door shut behind her.
"What's wrong? Don't be shy. Come closer."
Her limbs froze. Being in the Director's grip was like being wrapped in a cold blanket of air, as if an icy gust of wind had just grabbed you. It wasn't just that she couldn't move her body; she was completely powerless. As if the area around her had suddenly become devoid of magic, cut off from everything else... and forced to watch.
"Wh-what do you want?!"
"The same as you, Chrys." The Director got up and turned to her. "I want both. I want to have my cake and eat it, too."
On the floor, Chrys scrambled to get away from her. She wasn't as brave as Twilight; her first instinct was to flee. But she was running out of space.
"I-I can get Twilight. I c-can get D-Dan!"
She smiled. The Director was back to her original form, so it seemed. She wore a dark cloak with just her muzzle poking out of it, long sleeves over withered hands with long, bony fingers. She levitated just above the floor and as usual, her very presence seemed to warp reality, changing colors and shapes and distorting the world around her. Like a phantom that simply did not belong.
"I know you can. But right now, I don't want them. I want you, Chrys."
"Wh-Why???"
"I've never really had a sister. Thinking about it, I would've liked one, if I had the opportunity. There were a lot of things I didn't have an opportunity for..." Cleo said. And her smile faded. "But you did."
"But," Chrys protested. "I... I don't have a sister."
And the Director pulled back her cloak, revealing her true face. "No. You don't."
Chrys also did not have the resilience of Twilight or her friends. Upon seeing the Director's face, her true identity, Chrys fainted.
The Director frowned. "Well, that was unexpected."
Daring Do did not risk flying. She galloped as fast her hooves could carry her, knowing she could not fly; she might crash. Her heart was in her throat, her eyes were wide in fear.
Some time ago, she received samples of Fluffle Puff's DNA from Fluffle Puff herself. With DNA samples of all the fluffle ponies, she had been able to analyze them. Just now, just a few minutes ago, she had seen the results. She had to get to Twilight. She had to get to Twilight Sparkle right now.
She burst open the doors to the library. Twilight had added her profile to the security system when it was reinstalled.
"Twilight! Twilight! Anyone? Hello!?"
She flew upstairs, looked in all the doors and looked in one just in time. Just in time to see the Director leaving through a portal with Chrys.
"Dr. Yearling, hello."
Daring Do was also too paralyzed to speak.
"Oh, what's the matter, doctor? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Before Daring could say anything back, probably to agree with that statement, Cleo and Chrys vanished through the portal. The blue energy field collapsed on itself and disappeared. Behind it, the television screen read GAME OVER.
It took me a long time to finally understand why Dan is here. Heroes come and go, they do their job and then they leave. They watch from a distance and only intervene when it's necessary. But we needed more than just a hero. We needed someone who would be there every day.
He's a knight because he's always there, always by our side. Through everything. Not just the big things, but the little things, too. And sometimes, he leads the way. He's a knight. He doesn't always wear a cape, or a mask, or armor or even pants. But he's a knight. Right beside us, always.
Do you see now? He doesn't just protect our world, he's part of it. He was the missing element.
Now, he is Equestrian.
There were just over thirty-thousand ponies between Ponyville, Cloudsdale and Canterlot. The entire population of ponies, including neighboring countries, across the globe was somewhere around twenty million. This included the Crystal Empire, Saddle Arabia and even lawless territories like the Badlands and Jagged Crags. Twenty-million ponies throughout all Equestria. One of them was ex-Chancellor Rice Puddinghead, and another was Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Recruiting for Dan's final revenge was more difficult than expected. By Equestrian law, the Royal Guards could not exceed a thousand active guardsmen, and no more than two-hundred and fifty were held in reserve. The Praetorian Guard, the personal guards of Celestia and Luna, which included the secretive Night Guards, was composed only of a couple dozen hoof-picked guards. All and all, Twilight estimated no more than fifteen-thousand ponies would be able to rally for their cause. This excluded those that were too young or too old to fight and those otherwise incapable of fighting, but the real reason it was so hard finding ponies to recruit was because-
"You're busy?"
"I'm sorry, I'm supposed to have company over tomorrow."
"But you live in a tent-"
The tent flap slammed shut like a door. It even made the same sound a wooden door would make. Twilight and the Mane Six were left outside, somewhat confused at the interaction. It was the fifth time their recruitment plea had been rejected out of five residences they visited. So they were zero for five.
"Maybe we should offer cupcakes," Pinkie suggested.
"So you want us to knock on ponies' doors and say, "Free cupcakes! Also, do you wanna come kill somepony with us?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"We don't have to word it EXACTLY like that," Pinkie said. And after a pause, she added, "We could offer them donuts, too."
Twilight turned around. "We are NOT doing that. And we're certainly not going to blatantly ask like that."
They all walked to the next residence, another tent in the east-side residential area of Ponyville. There were lots of tents here, some large enough for entire families and a lot of them were travelers, but many also lived in those tents. Remarkably, none of them were actually camping. Also worth noting was that none of them were willing to help Twilight and her friends. So, after the tenth group of ponies turned them down, they went to Sugar Cube Corner and came back with baked goods.
"Free cupcakes! Also, do you wanna come kill somepony with us?"
Another tent flap slammed shut in front of them.
"Pinkie," Applejack took the cupcakes from her friend. "I'll take those. You're not really helping us right now."
Pinkie Pie batted away the notion. "Aaand who is it who always says it's best to be upfront and honest about everything?"
"You're freaking ponies out, Pinkie," Rainbow Dash said. She said it through bites of cupcake. "And we should've baked more cupcakes."
Twilight hung her head low. "This isn't working out. At this point, we'd be more successful reinstituting the draft."
Equestria had not formally been at war since Celestia had taken the throne. But, there had been conflicts. The Breakfast Wars, the Hippy Skirmishes, show cancellation, and not long ago when ponies were conscripted to deal with another terrible threat: folk music. Instead of World War 2, Equestria had a massive outbreak of folk music that invaded airwaves across the kingdom. Only a combined effort and cooperation from all nations was able to stop a folk music festival from taking place. Ponies swore never again to let such terrible tragedy befall the kingdom, or to watch anything with Eugene Levy in it.
They left the residential area while eating the rest of the cupcakes and donuts. Some ponies past them in the street, completely unaware of what they were doing. Things had largely returned to normal for Equestria and everyone was happy about it. They still felt the elation and the relief from having gotten through a major crisis. It also made them less keen to join the next one.
"Hi! Would you like a free donut? Also, do you wanna come help us kill somepony?"
The random stallion Pinkie ask looked back with a wide-eyed stare.
"Honey," he said, staring at Pinkie, "the ponies want me to kill again."
"Thomas, you are a pony," his wife said to him.
"Oh. Yeah." He took a donut and walked away.
"Alright," Twilight said. "Let's... take a break for now." She turned back to her friends. "We're going with Dan tomorrow, regardless of who else comes. Or, maybe he'll reschedule. Whatever happens..." she took a deep breath and let it out, "happens." That was a hard thing for her to accept as a princess. Having so much power to control and influence things, and things still happened on their own anyway.
"There's a new museum that opened up," Fluttershy suggested. "We could go see it today."
Twilight sighed. "That sounds like a good idea to me." Her other friends agreed. They finished off the rest of their treats and headed to the new museum.
"Good afternoon!" Tuxley greeted them all. "Welcome, your highness! Welcome, all! So good of you to drop by."
"Hi Tuxley!" the ponies greeted him in unison.
The tyrannosaurus rex tipped his hat to them. "Thank you all for coming. It's taken quite a while to prepare, but we're finally open!"
"What kind of museum is this?" Rarity asked.
The dino smiled. Arms outstretched wide, he announced, "The first of its kind. Miss Rarity... my dear Twilight Sparkle, welcome... to Historic Park!"
Silence followed. Would've been perfect for a score by John Williams, as Tuxley swept his talons across the breadth of the main lobby. Six branching pathways extended to various exhibits. Halls filled with artifacts, culture, history and science from Equestria and worlds beyond. Truly, it was one of the most complete museums ever built.
"Historic park?" Rarity asked. "Is that in referencing to something?"
"Unfortunately, yes," Reginald said. The crystal exemplar greeted them from the steps to the upper level.
"Ah, Reginald! Perfect timing, as always. Would you mind watching the front desk while I take the ladies on a tour?"
"Of course, sir," Reginald said, bowing. He took position behind the front desk. "Do remember to behave yourself in front of the girls."
Tuxley clutched his chest. "I'd do nothing less, dear friend. Come, ladies! You might recognize some of these early exhibits."
And so, Tuxley led them through the museum. He was very excited, very enthusiastic as he took them on the grand tour, beaming with pride at almost every piece. It was almost as if he was showing off his own private collection rather than multiple donated items and historic exhibits. But for Tuxley, each piece had a story to tell, a way it got here. He loved history for that fact, and especially the progress that could come with it.
Tuxley loved both history and progress. There could not be one without the other. In that regard, like Dan and Rice, he was also working towards the future.
The girls followed Tuxley throughout the museum. Slowly, Twilight began to get lost in each of the exhibits, especially when they got to the aquarium.
"Twilight?"
"Huh? Oh, um, I'm fine."
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "That's not what I was gonna ask."
"Oh! Oh, uh- I'm sorry, what is it?"
"Well," her friend turned to her, "now that you mention it, are you doing alright? I thought we were taking a break."
"I..." she trailed off, looking back at the fish. "I'm sorry. I have... a lot on my mind."
"I know how that is these days," Pinkie Pie said. "Should we get more donuts?"
The aquarium was massive and gorgeous. Something about the numerous fish was distracting Twilight. So many various types and species, all plucked from where they had been originally in the ocean, placed here in this tank. Along with the coral and seaweed and crustaceans, and they were all expected to somehow get along. And somehow, they were getting along. Swimmingly.
One of the fish in front of her even resembled Fluffle Puff.
"Oooh, there's some fluffer fish," Pinkie said. The fluffer fish even noticed Pinkie pointing her out, and gave an aquatic, bubbling gasp in response. Splishle Plish was one of the more brave fluffalafishpones in the tank. Her boyfriend, Splashle Plish was a fan of classic Snorks as opposed to the Snorks reboot.
"So, do any of these fish fly?"
Rainbow Dash was having a conversation with Tuxley.
Something tugged at Twilight's mind. But she forced it out. "I'm fine," she told Applejack and the others.
They enjoyed their afternoon at the museum. Afterward, Twilight went home, and that was when she bumped into Daring Do.
"That's great, because we could really use your help, and-"
"But I'm gonna pass," Spider-Man said.
Phoenix felt his cheek muscles suddenly ache as he tried to keep up his smile. Being turned down by a superhero, much less so many in such short a time didn't leave you feeling with a lot of confidence. Walking down the Manehattan streets, he felt the urge to kick pebbles on the pavement to distract himself from the feeling of defeat.
He rubbed the back of his neck, trying again. "I mean, it's not gonna take that long. We just find him, Dan does what he needs to do and then we could get lunch of something."
"Yeah, Nick, how long have we known each other?"
The lawyer actually had to think back. "Uhhh... since a DLC, maybe?"
Peter shifted his head, nodded. "A long time, you'd say."
"Something like that, yeah."
"Would you say I strike you as the revenge type?"
"Well," Phoenix's lawyer instincts jumped, "there was that one time with the black suit."
Spider-Man actually stopped and turned. "Okay, we don't talk about that. Pretend that wasn't me. That was a different guy, completely different part of the Spiderversetm in no way affiliated with the present-day Spider-Man or related entities."
The Spiderversetm was pretty big. This particular version of Spider-Man, this Peter Parker was fairly well-known in Equestria, enabling him to walk with his suit on leisurely. In fact, it was actually beneficial to just walk around city streets like those of Manehattan in his suit because it deterred crime, made ponies feel safe and he didn't have to disappear to change. A human was already an oddity in Equestria, and most folks were nice enough not to harass him or overdo it with the pictures. He still posed with fans pretty often.
Phoenix nodded. "Right, right." (I wonder if he's just sensitive about Venom or Bully Maguire. Or both. Probably both.) "Do you happen to know of any other Spider-Men that might be able to help us out? Maybe Ant-Man? Another Avenger?"
"Nick, maybe you're going about this from the wrong angle."
"I'm listening."
Trying to be helpful, Spider-Man worked over ideas in his hands. "I mean, did you even try Ken Masters? Or Ryu? Chris Redfield?"
"Well, actually, the last one was here, and-"
"You know, you could probably get Frank West here. I bet he'd come just to get a story out of it."
"So, only my fellow Capcom characters, then," Phoenix said. "To be honest, I was kinda hoping for someone who could take care of this problem quickly."
Spider-Man looked over his shoulder. "What about that guy? You talk at all?"
Kent gestured up with his head. "Sometimes."
Phoenix leaned in to whisper. "He hasn't really been that helpful."
"My hearing's great, though," Kent announced. "And I do happen to know something that may help."
Both Phoenix and Spider-Man spun around to him. "Really, now? And what might that be?"
"Follow me."
Kent led them both down an alleyway between two different mechanic shops. It was a bit strange that there were two different auto shops right next to each other, and a little strange that they were even there to begin with considering there were no cars. I mean, maybe they worked on carriages and wagons but there's pictures of cars on the front so it's like, why is that even there? And why am I even bringing this up?
So anyway, they went down the stairs and into a storage building behind the two auto shops. It was a pretty seedy area, even for Manehattan. Kent opened a door and led them inside from the back.
They were in a dimly-lit room that was cold. Phoenix could barely see, but he recognized what the room was meant for. It was a meat locker. Spider-Man probably knew that already, but nothing could prepare them for what lay around the corner.
"Next."
The server filled up a fresh bowl and set it on the tray. The pony receiving nodded, mumbled something and smiled. He was hunched over his tray, and slowly hobbled after being served with a half-stepping motion like he was accustomed to walking with a cane.
"You ever seen one of these before?" Kent asked.
"Well..." Phoenix started to say something, but stopped, trying to remember an answer.
"Yes," was Spider-Man's reply. "You know I'm from New York, right?"
"When was the last time you were in one?" Kent asked.
"Well..." Now it was Spider-Man's turn to struggle to answer.
Kent gestured to the line. "When was the last time either of you did some real service?"
"Next," the lone server said. Another homeless Equestrian stepped up, a griffon, and received a hot bowl of soup and a day-old piece of donated bread.
They were in a soup kitchen.
"I've done volunteer work before."
"Good," Kent said. "Experience will be useful."
Phoenix looked at Spider-Man, who was already donning an apron. He was ahead of the game, though, to be fair, it had been a very long time since he'd done any work like this before. But it didn't matter. He was here now and there was work to be done.
"You want to do something helpful, Nick? Helpful to our cause? Helpful to Equestria?"
He said nothing. Kent already knew the answer, so did Phoenix, so did all of them. "Where are gloves?" Phoenix asked.
Kent nodded. "Over here. Wash your hands first."
"Of course." Phoenix couldn't tell, but he thought Kent might be smiling under his helmet.
Truth be told, this was how Kent prepared before combat. Maybe it was just his way of doing things. Do some good, like give out food to the homeless before taking lives in combat. Despite everything, Kent fully intended on helping Dan deal with Rice, but first, he was going to help Phoenix Wright. And Spider-Man as well.
The three men served food for most of the day. It didn't matter that there were a hundred other things they could be doing, it didn't matter that there were criminals to fight, disasters to avert, even other needy soup kitchens throughout Equestria that needed a hand. They couldn't be everywhere. But they could make an effort to care just a bit more, make an effort right then and there not to walk away but to help. That was one of Dan's strengths: he never stopped caring about anything.
When they were done, former mob boss Reed Roamer was the first to thank them for stopping in. Then, they recruited him and his mobsters to their cause. Spider-Man might've been inclined to web them up, being gangsters, but they were also the ones running and funding the soup kitchen.
Acceptance is powerful. When you accept something, it's liberating, in a way. Perhaps there may be much you don't understand, much you don't know or much you cannot do, but you move on. Acceptance allows you to move on. But it may also change the path in front of you. Somethings, you shouldn't accept. Sometimes, you do need to make a change. The difficulty comes from knowing what to accept, or at least tolerate, and what not to.
Acceptance is not always a good thing. But it is powerful.
Prosperity Mountains, Northern Equestria
The air was cold on the mountain peak. Moonlight and starlight cast an eerie silver glow from the rockface to the cliffs and all the way to the valley below. Far in the distance, across the valleys, Arteem could see the Harmony Mountains where Canterlot was located. It was just on the other side of the mountains, eclipsed by it, but he knew it was there. He just couldn't see it, and no one from there could see him.
In the shadow of something else, yet watching it. So far away, you could place a hand above it and look like you're puppeteering it. It was natural he'd find her here.
"Hello, Kreia," Arteem said. "What is they say? We've got to stop meeting like this? Something like that." He approached her, the shadowy figure of the Director. She was turned away from him, gazing out at Canterlot. "I thought you were satisfied. After Malachor."
"Leave me be, brutish one. Your insecurities aren't welcome here."
"I-insecurities?" the dark exile almost felt his face go flush, but he laughed it off. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, I'll bite. What "insecurities" do I happen to have?"
The Director turned. She raised up a hand, her long, spindly fingers outstretched, and hovering above them was a sphere. A gray sphere, not even as big as a basketball. The tiny ball seemed almost innocuous as it rotated slowly. The Director grinned as realization dawned in Arteem's expression.
"Where... where did you get that?"
"Oh, this thing? Found it lying on the ground. Why? Does it matter something to you?"
"Give it to me," he said. His tone was angry, but wavering. "Now."
She flicked her finger at him. "Fine." The ball flew at him, and rushed to catch it. If he'd thought a bit more, maybe he would've remembered to use the Force. But the sheer terror of the sphere, of what the Mass Shadow Generator could do, had already done, caused a momentary lapse in judgment. It was more common than the powerful would care to admit, but it was something the Director knew all too well.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. The powerful could be quite big, but that power made it difficult to balance and even maintain one's self in many cases. Their power limited the things they could do, requiring more restraint and making them easier to unsettle. Celestia knew this very well, and Twilight was beginning to learn it. It also made them predictable. Carry a big hammer, people are going to learn when and what way you're going to swing it.
"NO!" The ball slipped right through his fingers and hit the ground. It broke apart, crumbling into two pieces of stone. "No... what?" Arteem looked around. "Where's the real thing?! Where?!"
Cleo chuckled. "As I said, insecurities."
Arteem drew and ignited his lightsaber. "Where is the Mass Shadow Generator?! Tell me where my weapon is now, or I will-" Suddenly, he felt his throat grow tight. "Geh... keh..." An invisible hand gripped his windpipe. He reached to grab at his neck, but the force around it wasn't one that could be seen. It wasn't even the Force, but some other force entirely. Something darker, something colder. And it raised him off his feet into the air.
"Do you think I feel threatened by you? You, another wanderer who found this place, thought they could exploit it, control it, somehow that it's magic could be made to serve you. This place has lived and died too many times, too many ways to suffer from the likes of you. You sought to rob this cradle and grave, but you'll only wind up buried in it."
Arteem shot out his hand at the Director. Lightning bolts arced from his fingers, cutting through the distance between them. They impacted the Director's own withered hands and even ripped through her cloak. A flash illuminated her ruined face and knocked back her hood, exposing her to the night air.
Quickly, she released Arteem and pulled her hood back up.
"Impressive."
Arteem rose, lightsaber still ignited. "Die again, witch."
Cleo shot out her own hand, palm-outward. A burst of invisible energy blasted Arteem in the chest, a distorted pocket of reality that knocked him off his feet and carried him back to the cliff wall. Another burst cracked right in front of him, slamming him into the wall enough that his own world began spinning.
"I never wanted you to come here. You, who were able to defy your own destiny, choose for yourself what you wanted, you earned a modicum of my respect," Cleo said. "I used you. I lied to you. I manipulated you and your broken friends, and the galaxy, YOUR galaxy became a better place for it. I was happy to finally let Malachor die, and I was hoping you'd be strong enough to do the same. But you..." she looked at him, almost sad. "You're not her, are you? You made your choice a long time ago."
Arteem got up again, slowly. "I know you... I... I know your games, old woman. You came here... like you came to me. You want to manipulate them, that... that angry guy. He's your new version of me, isn't he?"
The Director snarled. She smacked the air, and it smacked Arteem hard in the face.
"Don't you dare speak his name. You, of all people have no right to lecture me, apprentice. You got over your past, but you didn't learn from it. You never got anything more from it."
"What was I supposed to get?"
The Director shook her head. "Something worth fighting for. Go home, exile. Go back to your dark little rock, back to your shadow governments and your schemes. I'm done with your universe. There's plenty others, plenty other versions of you that made far better decisions. They've already found this place, appreciated it for what innocence it has and moved on."
Arteem smirked. "This place is special to you... I understand. Perhaps there's something I can offer in exchange for the generator."
She turned away from him again. "You have nothing to offer but anger, hatred and fear. There's already enough of that here."
"No, no. There's something else I can offer." He held up a small holoprojector.
"We have enough machines as well."
He turned it on. And a very peculiar image appeared in the display, the image of something very, very old. And very dangerous.
"Hmmm. Perhaps there is something we can do for each other," the Director said.
And Arteem smiled right back. "Perhaps. So, where is my generator?"
She was quiet for a moment. Then she turned away again to gaze at the horizon. "I will tell you where to go. When the time is right, the one who has the information you seek will come to you. It's safe, I can tell you that much. Those who have it do not understand it, though they do understand its dangers."
The dark exile nodded. "Alright. Partners. Again. For now." He turned his back to her and walked away to begin his preparations. Before he left, he looked back over his shoulder one last time. "You're not really Kreia, are you?"
The Director didn't turn around. But Arteem had to think she was smiling. "I'm close enough," she said.
Trains, airships and tanks were assembled all around the train station. Heavy equipment, cannons, ammo and supplies were being loaded onto the trains from Cloudsdale. The Enclave was fully mobilized, the Royal Guard was mobilized, Twilight and her friends were mobilized. This was it- they were deploying for the final battle.
Twilight Sparkle went over her list of everything. They didn't know what they were facing, so they were taking everything. And they didn't know how long they would be gone, so they were taking double of everything as well. And she was going over everything, every list and checking to make sure everything was accounted for, everything. There was just one thing missing.
"Where's Dan?" She looked around. "Has anyone seen Dan?"
"I haven't seen him since Manehattan," Phoenix said, also looking around. (This is weird. If we can't find him, that's a bad sign. He's not hard to spot. Ever.)
"Wasn't he supposed to come back with you and Kent?"
"He is not here," Kent said. "Neither is Chrys."
"The Director took Chrys," Twilight said. She'd already told Phoenix, Spike and her friends. Still, saying it again was a somber reminder to all of them. Now, they were down two friends.
None of them knew why Cleo had taken Chrys of all ponies. She'd seemed more interested in Twilight and Dan in the past. Almost as if she was purposefully avoiding Chrys. She'd even kidnapped Phoenix initially, preventing him from meeting up with the group in Canterlot. Now, it was too late to try tracking her down. Finding Vice Grip would likely mean running into the Director, even if it felt like playing into her hands once again.
Now, Dan was missing, too. The other princesses were watching Canterlot and the Crystal Empire, guarding their respective cities themselves while Twilight led an attack that was now becoming a rescue operation. Did it make much difference? She would've asked Dan or Chrys if they were there. Already, uncertainty was beginning to creep its way in.
"We are not going to let this happen again," Spike stated. "No more of our friends being taken... no more of our kingdom being under siege. That's why Dan wants us to do this, remember? The reason for revenge."
"I know, but..." Twilight trailed off. Why was she faltering? She felt like more like a unicorn now rather than a princess. "Can we really do this without Dan?"
There was a moment of silence as all of Dan's closest friends contemplated her words. They hung in the air, like the pegasi above them that stopped just to hover, all of them wondering. In the final hour, hesitance carried.
Then, Twilight remembered Dan. All the times he planned things, all his schemes, he prepared and then he reacted. He was so sure of himself. Even when he was completely alone. And Twilight knew why that was.
Dan's certainty, his resoluteness, his very foundation did not come out of anger or hatred. It did not truly come from past experiences, either, trials or triumphs. He built things, he built his confidence only on what truly mattered not in the past or the future, but in that very moment. Then, he acted. It was the reason he did things both on Equestria and on Earth, even when he was alone, he was never truly, completely alone. Even when he just had Mr. Mumbles.
He always did things for his friends.
It seemed Phoenix was having the same thoughts at that moment. Maybe they all were, all of Twilight's closest friends, but it was Twilight that spoke first.
"What would Dan say right now?"
Phoenix, grinning, looked up and said, "Get going, you idiots, you're wasting time. Something like that."
"Then he'd physically threaten us. But he wouldn't actually do it," Spike said.
"Sometimes, he would," Kent, the newest member of the Jerk Six added. "But he'd usually only throw things. Nothing dangerous or too violent." Even the stoic swordsman was beginning to warm up to Dan. Not everyone could acclimate to the position of 'friend of Dan,' but Kent was doing it.
Aegis came trotting up to them a moment later. "Your highness, the volunteers have arrived."
"We weren't expecting more volunteers," Phoenix said. He turned back to Ponyville. And he saw them.
"Hey! Where's this thing going down?"
It was a mob. Not an unruly mob or an angry mob, but an organized mob. A mob of mismatched ponies, griffons, zebras, donkeys, buffalo, yaks and others. Even humans. Word had traveled. Dan had needed an army and an army had appeared. Armed with pitchforks, broomsticks, shovels and whatever else was sharp or blunt, wearing pots and pans and hockey and rugby gear, citizens from around and throughout Equestria had assembled.
Above the mob were balloons and airships. Everything that could be assembled. On the train tracks, several ponies wearing mining gear and hardhats rolled up on hoofcarts. Overladen ones at that.
Twilight and the others were amazed. It wasn't quite all of Equestria, but it was a good portion of it. The heart of it. And from the middle of that heart, the crowd parted, and two more stepped forward.
"It took a little extra convincing for some of them," Lightning Claw said. "So... that's where I came in."
Discord raised a talon. "He didn't threaten them. He promised them free rides there and back."
Lightning Claw, using his mastery of electricity, had powered up additional aircraft to help deploy volunteers. His contribution, although late, was not unnoticed or unappreciated.
"Thank you, Lightning Claw," Twilight said. "Thank you all." She had a feeling she was going to be doing a lot of that in the immediate future.
"Well, let's get going, then!" Spike announced.
"Yes, move out! Move out, everypony!" Twilight said. She rose to the air to take command. "All guardsmen, move out! Deploy all the gunships and trains! Our destination is the Valley of Hope!"
The armed forces of Equestria departed. On wings, rotors, rails, balloons and wheels and their own legs, they began the march towards Canterlot and Prosperity Mountain.
The army of Equestria rode to the valley. Their journey took them north from Ponyville, through and over the Harmony Mountains of Canterlot. The trains went through the tunnels, long and dark and quiet were the rides. The pegasi, griffons, aircraft and airships flew, engines and wings powering through a mostly clear early afternoon sky. The sun and wind were at their backs. None spoke a word until they arrived.
They did not know what they would face in the journey to Prosperity. Some of them did not even know Dan and Chrys were not among them. They all knew that Dan had called upon them, to help him this one time, a last effort before Equestria was truly free from the burden of Vice Grip. A last effort, a last defiance, a final battle. The last act of retribution, the final revenge.
The train tracks ended at the edge of the forest surrounding Harmony Mountain's base. Still unfinished, they were meant to cross the valley and enter the Emerald Plains, the new frontier of Equestria and its newest territories. A new kingdom waiting to take its first breath, waiting for the first settlers to break the ground. A reward almost too tempting for this final effort, Twilight thought. One that, if they failed, they would never see. The tracks would remain unfinished, leading only to yet another unfounded dream.
"It's kinda funny. I never imagined actually having to wear something like this," Phoenix said, donning his armor. It was a suit of samurai armor, similar to that worn by the Steel Samurai: Warrior of Neo-Olde Tokyo. But this armor was colored purple, white and gold- the colors of Equestria. And his bracer was in the shape of his Equestrian attorney's badge.
"It looks good on you, Nick," Twilight assured him.
Phoenix grinned. Thumbing the hilt, he looked at his weapon. "You know, I'm not a sword expert but I'm pretty sure this isn't a katana."
Spike shrugged. "The armor's nice, at least. Rarity did a good job with that, but the sword we kinda had to guess on."
"It'll do the job," Phoenix said. He didn't know how he would be using it, but he had a pretty good idea. Whatever fear any of them felt, any private or shared concerns, worries, apprehension, thoughts of an uncertain future, all were behind a wall of resolve. A wall, a mountain of it that would not be broken in the hearts or minds of any of them that day, the Royalist Forces of Equestria. That day, they were all Equestrian.
They disembarked the train, ready for battle.
Miles away, in the distance was the base of the Prosperity Mountains. A large mountain range, longer than the Harmony Mountains, the land was part of the zone established as a barrier between the Kingdom of Equestria and the Zebra Nations of the jungles that dominated the north. To the east was the Everfree Forest which stretched north from the mountains to the desert of the north-east and mountain goat country and to the west were bogs, swamps and rivers that crisscrossed the gorges all the way to the borders of the Crystal Empire in the north-west. To the far north-west was the Griffon Kingdom, and further west still were the Domains of Dragons and Dinosaurs, a group of volcanic islands.
The geography lesson is free.
Prosperity itself was a volcanic mountain, long since dead, but the paths carved from the lava flow stretched down around it. The mountain was large, conical at the top with a sharp, jagged peak that seemed to pierce the sky. Its cliff faces were jagged and dry, devoid of plant life because of the sheer amount of rock. Green trees surrounded its base, but stopped several dozen meters before it, as if a barrier around the mountain prevented seeds from taking purchase of this hallowed ground. Finally, a jewel mine had been dug by ancient earth ponies into the mountain, its knowledge lost to time. But not lost to everyone.
"Your highness," Captain Springer swooped down from above and saluted. "Recon's reporting in, ma'am."
"Good work, captain. What have the scouts found?"
"Ma'am, no sign of Vice Grip or the Director. But a large enemy force is surrounding Prosperity Mountain. We believe their intentions are hostile."
"Enemy force?" Spike asked. He squinted his eyes, looking ahead at the mountain. "But I don't see anything."
"Are they hiding in the trees?" Phoenix asked.
Twilight glared at the view. "No, they're right in front of us." She stepped forward, her horn glowing. The fabric of the view in front of them ripped right down the middle, and two large pieces were torn off. Twilight tore the facade down, revealing it all to be a giant curtain. Behind it was the reveal Prosperity Mountain, and the sky was much darker behind it. Also, the sun didn't have a smiley face like it did in the facade.
"It's probably too late for us to just hang that thing back up, turn around and go home."
Twilight shook her head. "It figures. It's just like Cleo to pull out one last joke in the middle of all of this."
"Oh," Spike said. He tugged at an invisible collar. "That's a... kind-of a lot of guys."
"Form ranks!" Twilight ordered. "Ready all shield and assault spells! Prepare for combat, everypony!"
Around the forest of Prosperity's base was another ring, a ring of enemy forces. Shiny, silvery robotic soldiers, dark shadow warriors, armored vehicles, ferocious beasts and towers, defensive emplacements rung around Prosperity Mountain. It was a fortress surrounded by an army.
There were no final speeches, no last-minute pep talks. No effort made to negotiate with the clearly-hostile enemy. The volunteers, guards, ponies and others formed into their divisions. The Equestrian tanks, the battle wagons, were first. They lined up in front of the infantry, to shield them as they marched. The unicorns and sorcerers were at the back of the formation, producing a unified shield. Most of the shield's energy would be directed above.
Twilight looked at them all. They were ready, so was she.
"Open fire!"
No mercy.
"Fire!!"
No retreat.
"FIRE!!!!!!!"
All or nothing.
Phoenix jumped on a tank and raised his sword. "CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!"
"Ahhh." Dan stretched and put his hands behind his head. The sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky and the drinks were free. Perks of being a celebrity, a noble and an all-around hero of Equestria.
Actually, the drinks and service were on the tab of the royal family's treasury, to which he was now tied. Dan was not the first hero Equestria had and although the first one might've been free, the rest were on his tab. Not that he or the rest of the royal family minded either way. Right now, he was just enjoying himself on the beach, on a lounge chair in the shade of the palm trees. The water was a beautiful blue and the temperature was warm and pleasant.
Life was good. He was completely alone.
Dan tipped down his shades and relaxed.
"Your friends are-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" Dan nearly fell out of his chair. Then, he fell out of his chair.
He scrambled quickly upright again and wiped the sand off his shirt. "What? What is it? Who is it? Who and what is disturbing me and why?"
Rals stood in front of him, hands behind his back. "My apologies. Your friends are in danger."
"You," Dan said. "You. You..." He'd wanted to strangle the strange, green-clad 'negotiator' ever since he'd seen him. Well, maybe not immediately, but definitely now. Definitely since the moon. And now, that he had him in front of him, all he could manage was, "You..."
"I can take you to them."
Dan glared at him. Rals' helmet made his face imperceptible, even more so than Kent. Part space helmet, it was like staring into the void looking at him. Might as well have been another way of talking to a wall. Dan thought about saying nothing, just to annoy him, but instead sat right back down and put his hands behind his head.
"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you."
Rals paused for a moment. Did something Dan said actually phase him? "What I want isn't important. What matters is your friends. You can help them. They need you."
Letting his shades slip down his nose, Dan peered up at him. "No, they don't. And why don't you go help? I'm sure you'd be much more... helpful."
"The most helpful thing I can do is return you to them."
Rock and a hard place. Dan was getting annoyed. "And why do you care anyway? About me, about what I think. I thought everything was supposed to be peaceful now, isn't that what you said on the moon? Isn't that why you didn't let me just splatter Vice Grip right then and there?"
"The past is the pa-"
"No," Dan sat up. He hated that phrase, pointed right back at the one who said it. "No, it's not. If the past was just the past, it wouldn't keep coming back to haunt us. You don't know how to deal with it, how to reconcile it or how to act on it, that's why you say something so asinine as 'the past is the past.' It's not. That saying is just a way to sweep things under the rug."
Rals walked forward, hands still behind his back. "You'd say you were adept at dealing with such problems, correct?"
"I get the job done, if that's what you mean."
"And Vice Grip is one such job. Would it not be prudent for you to intervene, to use the best man for the job?"
Dan shot him a snarl. "I know what you're trying to do. You can stick your little psychological ploy where the sun doesn't shine. Also, you're blocking my sun. Buzz off."
The green knight sighed and nodded. "I'll leave you to your sun, then. You truly believe your friends will be okay without you?"
He leaned forward. "This will be good for them. Also, I knew you wouldn't try to stop them the way you stopped me. Should've guessed you'd show up to bother me again, though, but at least I planned for that. Didn't tell anyone where I was going and you still found me, so that's a lesson learned."
"You're very perceptive. And clever."
"Like I said, I get the job done. Doesn't take a genius to figure someone out."
Rals nodded. "Indeed. You're still upset about what we negotiated on the moon."
"Well, aren't you 'very perceptive' yourself. Can't seem to take a hint that I don't want you here."
Rals moved to Dan's front as he lounged. "Forgiveness is a difficult concept. For-"
"And some people don't deserve it," Dan said. He leaned forward again. "I'm not some superhero or some... Jedi-guy, like you. Got it? I would've killed him and it would've solved a lot of problems. I'm a man who cuts through the complications and gets to the simple, the basics. We would not have this problem, our world would have one less threat, my FRIENDS WOULD NOT BE IN DANGER IF YOU HAD LET ME JUST SHOOT THE BASTARD. Guy wanted to die anyway. So you screwed up everything for everyone. Great job, green bean."
"It was necess-"
Dan shot up once again, this time fully enraged. "NO IT WASN'T. If you're gonna do something, then do it, but if you just came here to talk, you can get lost, Space Luigi! Now, move along!"
To his credit, Rals actually did what Dan said. He turned and began walking away. "There's just one last thing."
Dan sighed heavily, tilted his head back and asked, "What?"
"They took Chrys."
Dan's sunglasses fell off. He was on his feet before they hit the sand.
Ponyville Action News Team Station, Ponyville Barro's office
"I make my livin' off Saturday cartoons. Just give me somethin', somethin' I can use. People might still pick and choose, but they love Pony Fanfics."
"Don Henley? Really? I thought-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" Barro nearly fell out of his chair. Then, he fell out of his chair. "What? What, what is it? Who is it, and what do you wa-" He looked up at Dan. "Oh great."
"Heyyyyy Barro."
"How in the hell do you keep getting in here?! What do I pay security for?"
Dan shrugged. "I have that same problem, actually. It's like, why do I even have a security system if people can just walk in unannounced? Especially people I don't want being there."
Barro looked at Dan, once again across his desk. "What is it NOW, Dan? What do you want? And..." He squinted his eyes, thinking. "Wait, why aren't you with Twilight and the others?"
"Why aren't YOU with Twilight and the others?" Dan countered. "Couldn't you use your gunship to help out? Or possibly film the huge fight that's going to happen? Or both at the same time?"
"How do you know there's a huge fight going to happen?"
"Because YOU'RE the one writing this story."
Barro rolled his eyes. "I've barely even started the second... I guess I'm going to call them 'episodes' now. Whatever happened to that book Twilight found?"
Dan shrugged again. "I dunno. Got lost somewhere, maybe. Listen, I need your help."
"Of course you do. You wouldn't be here if you didn't. But I'm not in a position to give it."
"And why is that?" Dan scooted forward in his chair, scraping it annoyingly on the floor. "Again, why aren't you with your flying circus helping out? They could probably use air support."
Barro stood up, put the book he was reading back. On the cover was the title: ANTHROPOLOGY. "Considering how close the two armies are to each other, close air support is likely to be... difficult. My guys wouldn't be able to hit the enemy forces without hitting the royalist forces at the same time."
"Hmmm," Dan nodded. "Okay, okay, then why not at least film it?"
Barro pointed to the studio. "I have a live feed recording everything from a safe distance."
"And you're not watching it? Or filming it yourself?"
"I know what wars look like already, Dan. I don't need to watch this one. Also, honestly this..." He braced against the desk. "You really should be with them, you know? The fate of Equestria is being decided. Whatever outcome of this battle... the world's not going to be the same place after this."
Dan folded his arms. "Aren't you just going to cut and run if you don't like said outcome?"
Barro sighed again. After a moment he said, "No. No, I've built too much here to just let it all go to waste. I suppose like you, I'm... I'm being as helpful as I can be by not getting involved. It's not easy for me, either."
Nodding, Dan pretended to agree. Maybe Barro was even right, but it wasn't something Dan had really considered. It wasn't like he was purposefully avoiding the conflict, he was just staying out of it. Equestria needed to learn to fight its own battles, handle its own problems. They may not fully have the stomach to execute Vice Grip, but that was what Kent was for; he'd do the job nobody else could. So, at least one of the space samurai was there for a reason. Permanent removal of hostilities.
Again, it would be good for Twilight and all of them if they fought this battle without his help. They would at least arrest Vice Grip and Kent would deal with him later. Or possibly Nicky. Dan had trained him well.
But there was something Dan did need to do himself. For that, he needed Barro.
"Alright, you don't have to fight. I just need your help. I need a lift."
"A lift? You want me to fly you to the battle?"
"Not exactly," Dan said. "More like... around it. Or possibly over it. Past it."
Still with his hooves on his desk, Barro was beginning to understand. "Prosperity Mountain. Alright, I can get you there."
"Awesome. Also... thank you. When you write this part, you did it voluntarily and were very grateful for the opportunity just to help me. Right?"
"Sure, sure. Probably take me a few years just to get to this point." Barro picked up his phone. "Hey, it's Barro. How've you been?"
"Who are you calling?" Dan asked.
Barro grinned as he held the phone. "Can you get Ozzy Osbarn for me, please?"
"Oh, you son of a-"
The door to Barro's office swung open. And in walked Ozzy Osbarn. "Barro!"
"Ozzy!"
"Owsit been treatin' ya, eh? Too rife wif all da racket for me and da missus, I tells yoo. Fittin mad times these be."
"Eh, can't complain."
"How in the hell can you understand that?" Dan asked.
"Anyway, Ozzy, I need a favor from you. Danny boy here needs a lift."
"O, dozee now? Off ta mess wif an some git wot need a good 'n propa bowlie gaggin'? Shiftin' some knockers in tha out 'in about, eh?"
Dan stared up at the griffon in bewilderment. "Is... is he drunk?"
"We're gonna need your train."
"The fowlie pracious boy wif do new linens or da one wif near 'alf a tram for de 'ounge boxes and the pool table?"
"No, the OTHER one," Barro said, twinkle in his eye.
Ozzy smiled. "Ahhhh. Good choice, me mate."
"Can I talk to the green guy again please?"
Dan's request for help would be granted, very much against his own will.
The tanks rode down the green slope, their wheels drawing huge marks in the grass. They raced at the enemy. A few ponies were riding the tanks, ready to use their weapons to add to the firepower of the formidable battle wagons. Phoenix rode the lead tank, gripping its turret with his left hand and the hilt of his sword with his right.
Far on the other side of the battle, somewhere in the jagged cliffs of Prosperity Mountain, the Director and the Dark Exile watched the opening moves.
"They're eager, aren't they? Almost uncharacteristically aggressive," Arteem said, peering through his macrobinoculars with a smile. "They're in for quite a surprise. Would you say they're acting differently because of Dan, or-"
"Do you have to talk? We're getting to the good part," Cleo said. her eyes, from what he could tell, were firmly fixed on the battle. Of course, she hovered several feet above him to get the best view of the fighting, she he couldn't see her very well.
"Good part? What-"
"If you want to be useful, shut up. Or get some popcorn. Make it both."
He lowered his binoculars, almost in disgust. "Is all this really just a game to you? What the hell are you exploiting me, my men, and-"
"Ooooh, hold that thought." The ground near his feet shook. He stepped back. Exploding from the earth was a bucket of popcorn, piping hot and buttery. It levitated right up to Cleo, who know sat in midair, cross-legged and ate from the bucket.
Seeing this, somewhat appalled, Arteem realized then just what he'd gotten himself into. With it came the realization he could not get himself out and so, with these revelations together, he decided to ask just one thing.
"Can I have some?"
Cleo shrugged. "You brought an army, but you didn't bring popcorn. Not my problem.
Arteem frowned and raised his binoculars again, the smell of buttery corn filling his nostrils, momentarily overwhelming the smell of gunpowder and carbon. "They're sending in their armor first. Very eager." He keyed his commlink. "HK, deploy the Shadowbolts against the tanks. Tell them to attack from the sides and-"
"No," the Director said.
Eyes rolling, he glanced up at her. "I thought you were just going to watch."
And indeed, she kept watching. "Deploy our tanks against their tanks. Armor against armor. Hold our infantry and air forces back until their infantry are closer."
"What?" Now, he was getting pissed. "That's absurd. Stupid, really. Our air forces can take out that armor faster than our tanks can."
"No, they can't," the Director said sternly. "We have more than twice their numbers and twice their firepower. The advantage is ours, make them come to us."
He stood, defiant. "You don't know how to fight wars, I do."
She finally turned to him, eyes cold and yet somehow raging. "I know how to fight EQUESTRIAN wars, "general." Hold the Shadowbolts back to engage the Wonderbolts. That is an order. Understood?"
He ignited his saber. "What I understand is that I shouldn't have come here in the first place."
She face-palmed. "You've tried that before, idiot. I should've gotten Dr. Wily. Good maybe dumb, but evil is definitely dumber.
He raised the red blade at her. "Then maybe you should try chaotic neutral."
"I DID!" she roared at him. A shockwave blasted him backward, knocking him into the dirt. "You don't know the things I tried, the plans I made, the multitude of scenarios I went through, the countless iterations of this world erased and forgotten before you even knew its name."
To his credit, the dark exile pulled himself up again. "You're... you're doing this for them. Don't pretend you're their enemy, because I know for a fact you care about them."
She sighed, looking back to the battle. "More than you could possibly imagine. But they didn't care for me. I was desperate to change things, like you. Too much like you. It's taken a lot, but finally, destiny has been defied. You and your pathetic shadows, the rest of your interlopers will be consumed here. Brought to light."
"What?!"
She spread her arms wide. "Behold, the defiance of fate itself! This empire shall not fall, shall not be consumed by the next but shall endure. We are witnessing the birth of a new Equestria, one forged in fire."
"You're insane. Thousands of them are going to die before this day is over!"
"Martyrs! Heroes! Better to have plenty of ashes from which the new nation will rise! All the spies, the traitors and dark faces, every crevice and dark secret, fully expunged. New alliances and new friendships made, existing bonds strengthened. They are ready. And this is their final test." She looked over her shoulder. "A new nation needs a leader, however..." And she looked back the other way.
Arteem was gone. Rather than try to fight her, he'd ran.
She smiled. "Took him long enough." It was perhaps, the smartest decision he'd made thus far.
The tanks charged in. The unicorns' and magicians projected a shield bubble that extended outward, growing and flattening to cover their advance. But with so many magic-users working in tandem, and the bubble being made from their combined spells, the tanks couldn't fire out of it. It took a lot of concentration just to form a shield that size. Or one pony with a whole lot of love, but Twilight was preoccupied.
"Do we want the gumdrops or the candy canes first??!!" Pinkie yelled.
"Just load it all into the cannons!"
"I was gonna fire the yogurt first!"
"Don't matter what order it's in, just cram it all in there and shoot it off!" AJ said.
"Uggggggghhh!" Pinkie groaned.
Behind the army, stationed in the treeline was the artillery. Catapults, cannons, trebuchets, and several really big slingshots slung between trees were all set up and loaded by the Apple Family, Pinkie Pie and other farm ponies. Pies, cakes and various treats were loaded into them.
"What's more effective to kill robots? Donuts or danisheses?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Question of my life," said Granny Smith.
"Eee... wut?"
Meanwhile, Twilight remained high above the battlefield, absorbing enemy fire with her magic. Lightning strikes from the clouds above, molten rocks and mortars from the ground below, all were lobbed mostly at her rather than the shield and that was good. With her power, she could withstand a lot more fire than the army could.
She raised her hoof. A bolt of lighting struck the side of her shield, diminishing to nothing but a static friction zap when it reached her hoof.
"Ow." Still stung just a tad. Another bolt ricocheted off her shield and struck the bubble below, but wasn't enough to penetrate. A slew of fiery rocks were launched at her in a wave. Twilight waved her hoof over them. Her magic extinguished the fires and caused the rocks to crumble into pebbles.
All of her spells had to be carefully chosen. She could've teleported the rocks or absorbed the lightning with a portal, redirected it back at her attackers or just opened up the ground to swallow the enemy army whole. But she had to conserve her magic and energy, and that meant keeping her focus and her cool. Breath in, breath out, zen. Cleo was still out there and to fight her, she would need everything and everyone she had.
"OPEN FIRE!" Phoenix shouted. The tanks fired even before he finished telling them.
"Hi there!" "Hi there! "Hi there!" "Would you be interested in-"
The tank shells cut off the robots mid-sales pitch. The shells punched holes in the enemy lines and exploded on the ground, showering colorful, metal bodies everywhere.
"Keep firing, keep firing!" Phoenix ordered. The tanks had advanced to the very end of the shield. Their cannons and front ends stuck out of the bubble while their backs remained under it, allowing them some protection while not impeding their ability to fire. They stopped, and now fired at the enemy troops in front of them.
"One-day only spe-*boom*" "You can't possibly miss thi-*bam*" "This offer won't las-*bang, boom, boom*"
The robots began advancing towards the shield, legion-like in their numbers. They were crude, rigid and mechanical, not unlike the animatronics from Five Nights at Freddy's, only far more sinister, vile and deadly. Because they were trying to sell time-shares. And, they were upright ponies, with tiny metal bowties and diabolical Lego-like claws for hands. Truly, diabolical they were indeed.
The tanks continued their barrage.
"Just keep firing!" (Gawd, these things are creepy-looking!) The tank cannons exploded in the formations of the robots, blasting the ones hit directly by the blast to pieces, incinerating the ones nearby, burning the ones closer to that and sending shrapnel flying into others all around it. Some of the half-burnt bodies of the salesman, their sterile smiles marred by the charring, clawed and shambled their way towards the tanks to be gunned down by machine gun fire.
Phoenix ducked back under the shield. A hail of robot bits rained down upon his tank, including the eye and upper jaw of one with a top hat. He swiped it off the tank with his sword.
"That constitutes using the sword, right?"
"There's no end to these things!" the tank driver said. Appropriately enough, her name was Shelly, a mare that worked at a pet store in Canterlot. She was one of the volunteers because she knew how to drive a train. How driving a train translated to knowing how to operate an armored fighting vehicle was not known.
"Stay focused! Destroy as many as we can!" Phoenix keyed his commlink. "AJ, we could use some artillery support right about now!"
"The cupcakes are still in the ove- MAH PIIIIIESS!! PINKIEEEEEEEEE!!"
Phoenix swallowed. "That doesn't sound good."
"What doesn't sound-" *BLAMF*
Phoenix felt a sensation of weightlessness before something struck him hard in the back, the shoulder, and then rolled across his face. It was the ground, he quickly realized as he tumbled; something had blasted him off the tank.
He looked up. The shield bubble protecting them was taking a lot of fire. Red bursts of fire exploded just outside of it. Several of the tanks reversed back under the bubble. Looking right, Phoenix saw half his tank was now under the shield... and it was on fire.
The enemy had sent in its own tanks. They were closer to the ground and more precise than artillery- they had targeted his tank directly. A shard of something fell to the ground near him and shattered. Looking up, Phoenix saw what he already realized: the shield was breaking under the fire.
Instinctively, he stood up. He braced his knee, but didn't feel any pain beyond the bump on his back. He hoped nothing was broken, but he knew he couldn't afford to think about that.
"Shelly! Axle!" He ran to the tank. "Shelly!"
Part of it was still on fire, but not the hatch underneath it. He ducked under the tank, quickly saw that the hatch was jammed.
"Hang on!" He took out his sword and pried open the hatch, grabbed the nearest two things that felt like ponies and dragged them out.
"Oh, dammit." Then, he went back in when he realized he'd pulled out a pair of golf bags. The battle wagons did not see much combat and were sometimes used on the golf course, which was also a target range for them.
Phoenix dragged Shelly and Twin Axle, the tank crew, from the wreckage.
"Twilight, they're breaking through the front lines!"
"Pull the tanks back, refocus the shield!" she ordered.
Enemy tanks had appeared seemingly out of thin air. They weren't huge, but were still big, powerful and evidently, very precise. The enemy tanks had spherical bodies supported by six legs, kind of like the Neotanks from Advance Wars but with two extra legs in the center and a second barrel underneath the first. They blasted the Equestrian tanks with considerable power and accuracy, destroying several and forcing the others to retreat.
She had a few ways she could counter the armor, but only a couple that were ideal. The Enclave's heavy troopers could deal with it and hold their ground.
"Springer, send in the Enclave!"
Springer nodded. "Copy. Hydra, Viper, Tango Squads, take point! Secure the line!"
"Copy, captain!" "Yes, ma'am!"
Armored pegasi armed with plasma casters, the soldiers of the Enclave, rushed to the front lines. The squads formed into V-formations and shot out from the protection of the shield. Even as the enemy infantry advanced, cylinders the size of soda cans rained down on them from the passing pegasi. And moments after hitting the ground, the cylinders armed and exploded.
Plasma explosions bloomed in the enemy ranks, bright bursts of green that vaporized the oncoming robots. But their real targets were the tanks. Green streaks shot forth from their plasma casters, hitting the tanks in the sides. Some of the armored orbs were able to withstand the fire from a few plasma casters, but not all of them.
"Viper-lead, on point." "Copy." "He-hey, this is just like this one FOE playthrough I did, when-" "Cut the chatter, Viper-four." "Yeah, yeah." "Over?" "I mean, copy that. Over."
The enemy tanks were destroyed in the first flyby from the Enclave. Deadly-efficient, if a bit nerdy, the armored pegasi cut through the robots and ninjas with ease.
"Yes!" Captain Springer couldn't help but feel some personal pride at her team doing a good job. Fighting for the right side felt good, and winning made it even better. But it was too late to say they'd won already.
Twilight's eyes narrowed. "They're not advancing. They outnumber is three-to-one and they're not attacking." She rubbed her chin, gazing at the assembled might. The enemy army was massive, covered the landscape all the way to Mount Prosperity still. There were holes in their front lines, a few of their first ranks had been decimated but more were already replenishing their losses.
"Something's not right."
"What's wrong?"
"This... this seems like a trap," Twilight said. "They're playing softball."
"They did blow up half our tanks," Springer said. She looked at the battlefield. "But I get what you mean. They're feeding us easy wins up front so we get overconfident. I'm gonna recall the Enclave squads."
"No," Twilight held her hoof up. "Not yet. Let them keep strafing the front lines but keep them close. Launch our artillery. Launch everything, prepare our foot soldiers to advance."
Springer saluted. "Aye, your highness. AJ, launch all the ordinance we have at them now! Stonewall, front and center! All royal guard units take position!"
Unicorns and earth ponies of the Royal Guard marched to the edge of the shield. Too few of them, they were the best-trained soldiers Equestria had, each one of them more disciplined and experienced than the volunteers. And they had less than a thousand of them marching to the front lines, weapons ready. Aegis and some of the other guards were still in the tanks, what few tanks were still left, and had fallen back to cover the flanks of the advancing infantry.
Behind them was the random collection of volunteers. They resembled more of a mob than a column, and were equipped as such as well. They were not disciplined, but they were determined and unpredictable, and that made them potentially useful in combat. That, and they hid a few other surprises among them.
Springer held her hoof to her ear, communicating with Applejack. "What? No, that's... Princess Twilight! Your highness!"
"What's wrong?" she asked sternly, not sternly at Springer but sternly in general. This was not the time for problems.
"The cannons- they say they're not firing! The artillery teams..." The commlink flung out of her hoof, levitated in Twilight's magic. She couldn't spare a minute to break her concentration.
"Applejack, what's going on?"
"Twi, we can't fire the pastries, pies and puffs and all until they're properly baked!"
"We don't have long enough to wait, AJ! Half-baked or not, we need fire support now!"
"The hot dough'll just gum up the cannons!"
"Fire the dough, AJ!"
Back behind the shield, the pony artillery launched. Gobs of heated pizza, cake and cookie dough arced over the shield and landed on the enemy army formations. It was effective in slowing them down, even disabling many of the robots it hit. Pinkie Pie and the party cannoneers were experienced, being veterans of the unofficial "Breakfast Wars" conflict years ago.
Unfortunately, it was as Applejack had warned; the excess uncooked dough oozed into the firing mechanisms, jamming the cannons. They would have to be unclogged before a second volley.
"It's... effective," Springer said. From her suits' zoom lens, she was able to observe the dark forces. Blobs of steaming baked goods had covered the front of the battlefield, but the enemies were slowly making their way through them. "They're still marching through, though. If this is a trap..."
Once again, Twilight thought about what Dan would do if he was in command. He'd tell them that if it was a trap, they should spring the trap. It wasn't always the best strategy, especially now. But it was one that required courage, it was a risk and it could pay off.
"Applejack, reload the cannons as best you can. All unicorns, extend the shield forward! Guardsmen, push forward!"
Another volley of fireballs came from the enemy's artillery. The fireballs arced high, aiming for the Equestrian cannons. Twilight had to admit, they were quite the formidable opponents they were facing. If she hadn't been there to zap the flaming shells with her magic, some of them would have hit Applejack's artillery.
The Equestrian soldiers advanced, lances and shields lowered at the enemy. The ponies pushed forward and the robotic salesmen pushed their way through the dough.
"I hope this is the right decision," Twilight said. Either way, she knew she was going to find out in a matter of seconds. "WHERE THE BUCK IS DAN?!?!"
"I feel like this isn't safe," Dan said. "The first time, it wasn't safe and THIS TIME, less safe."
"You want fast and you want not to get shot," Barro said. "This will accomplish that."
Ozzy's train was parked in front of them, its rockets deployed once again. It had been so long since they'd been in it, so long since Samuel had tried to throw them off the rails that he'd almost forgotten the painful experience of being on it the last time. Almost, but not quite.
"I'ssa safe'es 'uggin traka a wheels 'ere come outta da Stone, mate. Nuthin' be smoover toppin' those shiny girders than ole' mumsy. Loik a roit babe'll yol be, dessin? Smooves ride you eva 'ad. No even gonna ticket ya!"
Dan looked at the griffon, then turned to Barro. "...What?"
Translation: It's the safest hugging track of wheels ever to come out of Griffonstone. Nothing is smother on the top of the rails. You'll be like a baby in mom's arms, smoothest ride you ever had, no ticket needed.
"He says you'll be fine," Barro replied.
"That's very reassuring," Dan nodded sarcastically. "Why don't you both come with me since it'll be such a safe and fun little trip?" He turned to Barro, gestured over his shoulder and continued. "You know, they could really use you. And your flying circus. You and Michael could film the whole thing, shoot stuff with your Galaga space fighters."
Barro smirked. He chose not to correct Dan; would've been pointless anyway. "Dan, this is your fight." He put his foreleg around Dan's shoulders and ushered him towards the train. "You've got to face this yourself. Besides, someone has to stay here and watch Ponyville."
"Discord. Discord can."
"Sure, but what if something happens here? What if some random bad guy decides to attack Ponyville, goes after the library?"
"Discord is literally right in the mayor's office," Dan continued while Barro gently pushed him. "And we have Fluttershy's animals. Nobody's going to squee with a bear and a guy with chaos powers. In fact, you stay here- I'm gonna go get Discord. And bears."
"Da Bears?" Michael asked.
"No, no... no," Dan said. "No. Anyway-"
"Best of luck, Dan!" Barro closed the door.
"WAIT!" Dan shoved his hand in-between the door, stopping it. His knuckles cracked. "I have a question. Questions."
Barro sighed, rolled his eyes. "Can it wait until AFTER the final confrontation where the fate of Equestria is decided?"
"No," Dan said, a bit timidly. "Because... I don't know if I'm going to make it back."
"Heh," Barro laughed, patted him on the shoulder. "Your name's still on the title, pretty sure you're make it back."
"Well," Dan looked to the side. "I just... I wanted to know. Can you just... be real with me for a second?"
Barro sighed again.. "Do I have a choice? Alright, alright, you can ask me something."
"Fourth wall?" Dan asked, nearly pleading.
Eyes rolling, Barro said, "Fine, just hurry it up."
"I know, I know. I'm the one risking my life here, remember? And I appreciate you taking the time and effort for me."
Bracing against the train car, Barro nodded, clearly a bit impatient but still genuine. "Yeah, yeah it's been... something. So, Dan, what is it? What would you like to ask?"
Dan looked around, considered, took a breath and said, "Why me?"
The question was one Barro thought of from time to time. He worked his tongue in his mouth, considering his own response. "I felt like I understood you. Simple as that."
"HA!" Dan laughed in his face. "No one understands me! I DON'T understand me! You're completely clueless, same as everyone else here!"
Barro nodded. "Sure, sure. I guess I thought we were a lot a like. I feel like there's a bit of... well, you characterize a sort-of nature that's in all of us. And you exemplify a desire to express it, even if we can't sometimes."
Then, it was Dan's turn to sigh. "Ahh, you're just like all the others. I just do things, buddy. I'm no more saint than anyone else out there. All this philosophy BS just complicates things. I'm nobody's hero. And I'm nobody's fool. I'm still doing this for me so that I can sleep at night without worrying about some maniac out there that wants to destroy everything I've built."
Barro looked back up at him. "There's going to be others, though. You really think you can take them all?"
Dan paused for a moment. He thought about it, actually stopped and thought about it. "...Yeah. And I won't be alone. Speaking of, you can come with me."
Barro started walking away. "Wouldn't be right. The Director isn't the only one who tried to rewrite history, change the world, Dan. That's why I summoned the 'Galaga ships' and everything. I tried to change things, selfishly, and Rice was able to use that against me. He's good at that."
"He is." Dan was getting frustrated now. "And no, you're not the only one who tried to exploit Equestria's magic. I really don't get you people; I didn't come here by choice! Even though I choose to be here. This place has magic, powers, things unlike anything in ANY other world or version of it, and among all the amazing possibilities and opportunities that being here truly represents, the only thing you do AND THE ONLY WAY you think of reconciling your problems is by playing god. And people think I'm self-destructive because I indulge in calculated revenge. Hypocrites, the whole lot of you."
Barro blinked. "Okay... I'll admit I didn't think of it that way."
"Exactly. You're all idiots and you need to think more. I think a lot, I plan a lot and I get to spend a lot more time doing and less time wondering what could have been, because I DO something about it. Revenge is a great way to deal with regret," Dan stated.
Slowly, Barro turned. "...Alright. Hey, I have a question for you."
Dan rolled his eyes. "Fine, just hurry it up."
"In the beginning, you said you were going to leave."
"It's called bluffing. That was a bluff. Worked, too."
Barro nodded. "You said you wanted more involvement. More interaction? You wanted to be a part of Twilight's life, her friends' lives, her community, the whole world, Equestria and everything?"
"Yes, yes, yes and?"
"Did you get what you wanted?"
"I- obviously," Dan said. Then, stopped, thought, braced himself against the doorway. "Obviously... I... yeah. Yeah, I did." He looked back at Barro, nodded again. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. And thank you, too."
"Oi," Ozzy said, "yol off'in on 'til it's over, innit? Blokes' anna ready up, sen."
Michael smiled and waved at Dan. "I have no idea what this guy said. But he's probably saying you should get going."
"That's right. You've got a train to catch," Barro said.
Perhaps it was an important conversation for both of them to have, even if the two already knew, for the most part, what the other was going to say. Some things needed to be said. Some things had to be done. Wholly independent and without regard and the least amount of consideration to anything and everything around it, some things were just outside the rules. The outliers, the variables of life that made life the incalculable thing it was, were needed. They were part of the equation.
Of course, Dan simplified things further. There's an exception to every rule. And some people broke the mold.
Dan looked around inside the train car. It took him a moment to realize there was a slight problem with it.
"Hey! Where are the seats in this thing? There's nothing even to hold onto!"
"Hit it," Barro said.
"WINGO!" Ozzy flipped the switch and the rockets on the train car ignited. It accelerated down the tracks, all the way out of town, gaining more and more speed.
Dan was slammed into the back of the car by the sudden burst of acceleration, his screams muffled by the sound of the jet engines. The train sped down the tracks heading north, as if it was any other train going to Canterlot. At speeds rapidly approaching Mach Four.
"So, how's this supposed to get him through the bad guys? The train tracks don't go all the way to Mount Prosperity," Michael said.
"We've got a ramp set up just before he gets to Canterlot. It'll launch him right over Mount Harmony and all the way to Prosperity. Heck of a ride, but he'll be fine," Ozzy said.
Wait, Ozzy?
"What happened to your accent?"
Ozzy grinned. "I'm not actually Ozzy Osbourne. You guys got that, right?"
"Ohh... oh. Sure. Yeah, totally." They didn't.
Not only that, the three of them weren't right about the ramp, either. Yes, a ramp had been constructed to launch Dan and the train car above the mountain, but none of them really knew how to build ramps properly. The train car smashed through the ramp and continued going.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHGH!! AAAUUGH AAAUUUGH AAAAUGHHHH!!" Every bump, jolt and jump sent Dan's heart jumping in his chest. Back flat against the rear of the train car, he was helpless as the rocket-powered ride raced the rails.
"NEVER!! NEVER AGAIN!! NO TRAINS!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!!" Slowly, Dan tried to lower himself to the floor. If he could crawl, he might be able to open the door and jump out. Which sounded like a good idea at that time.
Then, the train car derailed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Dan's world was suddenly turned on its side as the train car fell on its side, sending him flat back into the side wall. The rocket engines, however, continued rocketing and boosted the train on the ground, causing it to slide parallel with the train tracks.
The train tunnel out of Canterlot might've been a challenge, considering the train couldn't hit it. But, it seemed to work itself out, as the train car simply smacked into the side of the mountain and began rocketing up the side of the mountain.
So maybe the mountain was going to act like a big ramp for the train. Except it wasn't.
Still standing back in Ponyville, Barro, Michael and Ozzy watched the carnage.
"Yeah, he may actually need our help. Mike, get the gunship."
"It's in the shop still."
"Wait," Barro thought. "That would mean the only aircraft in town is-"
"Blimey!" Ozzy clapped them both on the back. "Good luck with alla that, ya innits. Don't be no stranger, sen?"
"This... this isn't working. This isn't working," Twilight said. The dark army was surrounding their own with superior numbers, using volume alone to squeeze them. The robotic sales ponies were clearly being used as cannon fodder, disposable tin cans to wear down the Royal Guards. Meanwhile, the assassins and black-clad ninjas behind them threw precision weapons, piercing the shield where they could. Some of their spears landed inside the shield, but the guard ponies had their own shields to supplement them. Injuries remained light.
But they were slowly losing ground. From high above the battlefield, Twilight and Captain Springer could tell things weren't going well.
"I, uhmm..." Springer tapped the controls of her PIPBuck. She swallowed.
"What does OATES say about the enemy? Any tactical advice?"
"Uh, well, according to my calculations... we're uh, screwed."
Twilight didn't bother casting a glare over her shoulder. She should've known this wasn't the time for wisecracks, or anything that might've sounded defeatist. This wasn't the time for anything unhelpful, but Springer had spoken out of true concern, real fear, not anything else. Now, their resolve faltered, and losing it might lose the battle. It would come before their soldiers fell; they'd lose their will and then the fight.
Before Twilight could say anything, Springer got more bad news.
"Shadowbolts! Shadowbolts, inc-"
A spray of dark purple bolts sizzled through the air. Twilight barely had enough time to react; she teleported to Spinner, grabbed the armored pegasus and dove under the protection of the magic shield. Another spray of shadow energy bolts splattered against the shield just above their heads, the Shadowbolts themselves already racing past. They were good, very good, and it didn't take flying experience to know it.
Springer tracked them with her visor's HUD. "They're not banking. They're going after the-"
Once again, Twilight could only react. She summoned her magic to extend the shield bubble to cover Applejack and the artillery cannons. The Shadowbolts blitzed overhead, shooting the shield with their shoulder-mounted shadow blasters. Truly, devious armaments indeed, made more insidious by disguising them as shoulder pads. 1980s-style with dark magic weaponry was a deadly combination.
Now, the magical shimmering shield of energy was their only defense. They were all underneath it now, Twilight and all the royalist forces, unable to mount a serious attack of their own and rapidly losing ground. And then, things still got worse.
"Springer," Twilight said, teeth gritted. She had to concentrate on the shield, she had to. "Springer, the lava rocks. The rocks, Springer!"
"G-got it!" Springer popped halfway out of the shield, enough for the barrels on her saddleback plasma casters to stick through. She fired green bolts of patented Fallout Enclave-style plasma at the oncoming rocks. It took a few hits on each, but like a good Enclave pegasister soldier, she had plenty of points in her Energy Weapons skill. Including the Plasma Spaz perk and Meltdown! She was still a fangirl, after all.
She wasn't able to hit all of the rocks, even though some of them exploded into green bursts, taking others with them. Some of the enemy ballista hit the shield, straining the magical barrier. The burning rocks sparked against the shield, chunks of molten mineral melting through, or sticking to the shield itself before it could be repaired.
The leader of the unicorn battalion was especially feeling the strain.
"Trixie needs everypony to keep things together for... for my sake!" In a circle with other unicorns, Trixie led the royalist magic-users in the combined shield spell. Theirs was a mental battle, one that required all their attention and focus. Using their horns and combining their magic, the unicorns were able to feel through the shield spell most everything around them. Such a large shield required all their magic to maintain and repair where it was damaged, rapidly rotating those that needed to recharge their magic.
When unicorns strained their magic, it was possible they could even shatter their horns. The horn felt fuzzy, then pressure built where it connected to the cranium as the unicorn forced more magic into that single point, sometimes stressing the horn's structure. It was hard to describe, and not something pegasi or earth ponies understood easily, but it was all too easy for a magician pony to lose themselves conjuring magic.
Right now, Trixie's horn felt like it was on fire, but she held on. The trained mare wouldn't give up on her kingdom, her friends, and most importantly not her show's audience when all this was over. She considered them all her fans, even if they didn't.
"All Enclave squads, fall back to the barrier! Regroup on me!" Springer ordered. The Enclave ponies rushed to her position. Fortunately, all were still flying.
"Need some back up?"
"Rainbow?"
Rainbow Dash, Spitfire and the Wonderbolts appeared along with the Enclave squads. And the Wonderbolts were dressed in the Taco Fiesta Hailstorm armor that General Winter had worn.
"Hope you don't mind," Rainbow said. "They were out of the other armor suits."
"It's fine- get into formation! We've got artillery fire incoming! And thanks!" Twilight quickly yelled.
The Wonderbolts joined the Enclave power-armored pegasus squads in shooting down the flaming rocks. Instead of plasma, Soarin and Spitfire had nacho cheese cannons, but the gooey cheese helped to deflect at least some of the rocks.
They were still on the defensive, still losing ground. Now, Twilight was having to use all her power to extend and maintain the shield protecting them. They needed something, someone to do something to break the deadlock or they were going to lose this one.
Several of the Shadowbolts broke from formation, flying elsewhere. But most of the dark pegasi continued their fire on the shield, along with the constant flaming rock barrage and the droves of robots being sent at the Royal Guards. Phoenix and some of the other tank crews had joined them. Whenever the robots broke through the edge of the shield, his sword or a lance or a blast from a unicorn guard hit it back. Their numbers seemed to be endless, while the royal guards were running out of energy. Running out of time.
"We can't keep this up forever, Twilight!" Springer shouted.
"I know, I..." Twilight broke her focus for a second. "Trixie!"
"Yes... Twilight Sp-Sparkle?"
"Can you hold up the shield while I find Dan?"
"...I'm gonna be honest, Trixie's gonna need like... a Gatorade, or something, Twilight Sparkle. Seriously, this is tough, even for me."
Springer nodded. "She dropped the third-person dialogue, you know she's exhausted."
"We need something... we need something! We need one more crazy person to charge ahead and break the lines!" Twilight said, gritting her teeth. "So, again, I ask, WHERE THE BUCK IS-"
"Look!"
"C'mon guys! We're almost there," George Washington, the hippy pony said. On the mountain side, the nomadic group of hippies were slowly making their way down, intent on getting involved in the fighting. Well, mostly protesting the fighting, to be honest.
"Warmongers! Go back to your own kingdom if you wanna fight!" "Give peace a chance! Again!" "Think of the nature you're harming by shooting all these guns here!" "The environment, man!" "Join the movement! Earth first!" "What?" "I mean, they should blow up Earth first." "Oh. Yeah, blow up Earth first!
Many of the hippies were ponies themselves, they just didn't consider themselves part of Equestria. The hippies didn't like war, or revenge, and many of them didn't like Dan or his friends. They also didn't have much to do, so they were going to protest the Equestrians, the Director's army, and pretty much anything else.
To his credit, George Washington(hippy) was trying to get his hippy friends to see another side of things.
"Harper, c'mon. Even if we don't agree with the fighting, we can still be supportive and stuff. They're gonna need, like, medicine."
Harper glared at George. "I ain't given mah weed ta no jackbooted thugs."
"Dude, you have a lot of weed. You can share."
"Well... maybe," Harper said.
"Hey..." George looked around. "You guys here something?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!"
"Oh mai gawd!" George shouted. "It's just like the world's largest electric digeri-"
Dan's train blasted through the hippies, plowing through their caravan wagons and blowing over their tents. The jet flames set their protest signs on fire.
Harper ran over to his wagon. "MY WEED!!!" Completely incinerated, only a pile of ash was left between four wagon wheels, the remnants of many types of cannabis scattered between them.
"I'm sorry, dude," George said, trying to comfort his friend.
But Harper was having none of it. The stallion felt his blood boil. He clenched his jaw, his face turning into a snarl of pure rage, anger burning, threating to set coat ablaze as he raised his hooves and yelled, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!""
The train screamed down the mountain, crashing through dirt, trees, rocks and anything else in its way. Dan screamed within the train, feeling the reverberation of every crash through the train. Still being subjected to the blistering speed, he was pressed into the back wall, unable to move. His screams were drowned out by the sound of the jet engines.
When the train was towards the edge of the shield, it smacked the side and started climbing. The shield. The train car started climbing the energy shield. Perhaps because the wheels were meant to react with magical surfaces made them able to climb the shield, not that Dan cared at that moment.
"What... the hell was that?" Springer asked.
"It's Dan!" Twilight exclaimed. She didn't know, she wasn't sure and yet she DID know and she WAS sure. More sure than anything, it HAD to be Dan. "Dan is riding that thing! He's charging the lines!"
"He's..." Springer looked up. The train continued upward, climbing the shield. It rocketed right over them, digging a sharp line into the dome of energy. "He's..."
"He's crazy, I know, captain. But he gets the job done."
Springer shook her head. "No, he's..." she swallowed. "He's breaking the shield!!"
Twilight looked up in time to see a fragment of crystalline magic drop and dissipate in front of her eyes. The indent carved by the train car's wheels had become a jagged crack, one that the fluctuating field of energy could no longer sustain. Made by the combined magic of a large group of ponies, no one among them could keep the spell going; the unicorns' energy was exhausted.
And yet, the train car kept on going, racing down the shield, back down onto the ground again and... into the enemy formations. It all happened within seconds; Twilight barely had time to react. The train car plunged into the enemies, bounced only once and kept going. It blasted its way through them like a battering ram, crushing robots underneath and pushing the black-clad ninjas aside. Dozens of the Sith Assassins, unable to get out of the way in time, evaporated into clouds of red smoke as the train crushed them.
Twilight watched. Springer watched. The Wonderbolts and Shadowbolts both stopped their firing temporarily to see.
"He's heading right for the mountain!"
Twilight nodded. "He's doing more than that- he's clearing the way!"
"Twilight Sparkle, the shield is broken!" Trixie called via Dixie-cup radio walkie talkie touch-tone conversationizer pro. "And Trixie needs more Gatorade! With ice this time! And don't get the red one- Trixie doesn't like that one. Get Glacier Freeze or just lemon-lime. Seriously, who even buys red Gatorade?"
"I don't know, it's disgusting- hey Twilight! I mean, your highness!" Springer called. "Trixie says the shield is collapsing and she needs a refill!"
"I can't exactly give her any of my magic right now!"
"No, Gatorade. And not the red one."
"Well, of course not the red-" she turned around. "Wait, I have an idea."
"What?" Springer's head darted back and forth, a worried look in her eyes. The shield deteriorated more rapidly now. Huge chunks broke off and melted away, fading into the air. "Our defenses are crumbling as we speak!"
"Not all of them."
Twilight looked down. She'd lost sight of the train. Part of her wanted to rush down to ground level and search for Dan, but she somehow knew he wanted it this way. Maybe this was part of his plan all along. It completely wasn't, but she had no way of knowing that. None of them did. So that made it part of Dan's plan all along, and he'd be the first to admit it.
Dan had taught Twilight much. A lot about herself, a lot about others and a lot about possibilities out there. She didn't always agree with him or go with what he would do, but the option was open to her now. Sometimes, it was the right course of action. One of those times was right now.
"Follow me!" Twilight dove, soaring down to the ground. Springer watched her for only a moment before following; the Wonderbolts and Rainbow dove after her immediately. She saw where they were all going: the front lines.
Dan had taught her to deal with her problems directly.
Twilight appeared before the Royal Guardsmen. "Everyone, charge the line! Forward! Charge the enemy, advance!!"
"Chaaaarrrge!" The guardsmen obeyed. Shields raised, lances drawn, they rushed out from under the shield.
Her horn glowed and she bellowed again, "Charge, everyone! For Equestria!!!"
"Your majesty..." Springer said, "The-they still outnumber us three to one!"
"That means everybody has to kill at least three of them!"
"That's... that's not how it works!!"
"Make it nine then!!" Twilight yelled. She took off again but stayed low to the ground. She raced to the front lines, her horn glowing. Springer followed, they all followed. Unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies, humans, griffons, zebras, everything and everyone they had, they rushed in. Armed with brooms, with swords, with pots and pans, with pitchforks, with their own bare hooves, they charged an enemy they knew nothing about. A uniformed enemy of darkness, mystery and expensive, high-tech equipment. And it was the enemy that feared them.
"What's our objective?!"
"Kill them! Kill them all!!" Twilight ordered, and suited action to words. She unleashed a barrage of lavender bolts from her horn, spraying enemies. The shield collapsed completely as the last of the ponies left the safety of it. Twilight, Springer and the Wonderbolts were the first into the fray, followed by the Royal Guards, then everypony else.
Far behind them, the hippies had arrived on the battlefield.
"Aren't... aren't we supposed to be protesting?"
"Yeah, in a minute," George said. His hoof was covered in hot, sticky batter. The hippies had found the batter-clogged gun batteries Pinkie and Applejack had been using and were now eating out of them.
*BOOOOM*
One of the cannons went off, scorching a few manes. But the hippies had hair to spare, so they just went back to eating.
"You got any weed left, Harper?"
"Dude," Harper said to George, appalled. He held up a fireproof box with a pot leaf on it. "Of course I do. Pass the cupcake cannon. You know the rules: cream puff, puff, pass."
"I'm in a good mood, so I'm not going to kill you for that pun."
The train car slid to a stop high on one of the cliffs. Whether it had been planned or whether it was just a coincidence, Dan didn't care. He pried himself off the back wall and stumbled his way to the entrance, bracing himself on the doorway.
Then, triumphantly and courageously, Dan declared, "I wanna go home... I just wanna... oh gawd, I'm gonna throw up."
And he would've thrown up right then and there. But the emergency air bags in the train car deployed and smashed him right back down to the floor again.
"Aulgh..." That was a noise he was making all too often lately. He tasted blood in his mouth and a little vomit. Good thing he hadn't eaten that much today. Wait, "Mmm-BLAAAGGGCK!" There was the vomit.
He looked left and right, then all around him. He had no idea where he was. He was NOT getting back on that train for anyone or anything(foreshadowing! Yeah I'm gonna make it obvious, don't worry.) In fact, he edged his way away from the train, slowly returning his body to a state where it could balance on two legs again.
"You came!" The Director said.
"You-mm, mm-blaaaugh!" He started to say, well, something and then blew chunks again.
Cleo only looked slightly disappointed for a second, an apologetic, unnerved twinge to her smile crept in before she was back to contentment. This was an important moment. For both of them.
"It-it really wouldn't be right if it wasn't you, would it?" she asked. "You've always done things your own way, even when they were what others wanted for you."
"Where..." He steadied himself, hands above his knees, bracing. "Where... is..."
She almost had to catch herself, feeling the breath catch in her throat. Which would he choose? It was only one or the other, they both knew that. She knew that, he knew that, she felt it, HE had to feel it. This was it, the big decision. Love or revenge. Love or revenge. Love or revenge? Which would it be? She almost couldn't say anything.
"Yes?" Chrys said. "Where is who?"
"Where is...." he looked around. "Where is everybody? Where the hell are we?"
"NO!" She roared. She swept him up with a rush of magic, an icy wind-like burst of energy that manifested into a claw wrapped around his neck in an instant. "NO! No, you are NOT going to weasel your way out of this?"
"Bblll," he made some sort of inaudible noise. Dan clawed at her grip, piercing the magic, forcing her to release him. He slipped through her grasp. Magic couldn't hold him for very long, no spell could. It obeyed his will, or at least, it couldn't ignore it. Or maybe it was something else entirely.
She turned, spinning around and grasping her hand. It burned, but the burn quickly turned to an icy one. Her form was still unstable.
"What... what d... do you want from me?" Dan asked. Again, he got up and steadied himself. "No don- don't tell me. I don't... care. I don't."
"What do you care about then? Why are you here?"
"You know why I'm-"
"NO I DON'T!!" Cleo yelled. "You weren't summoned! You weren't brought here on a whim! The cosmic forces didn't align and in most, if not EVERY other version of Equestria, you die inside of two months on this world, usually from your own stupidity! For buck's sake, you almost died from a piece of cheese!"
Dan squinted. "Hey, lactose intolerance is a very serious condition. I have glandular issues, too-"
"I know," she spun again. She got right up into his face. "I know EVERYTHING there is to know about you. But what I don't know is what you want. Why you're here, right here, right now. So tell me," she gripped him by his shoulders. "Who did you come here for? Was it for Chrys... or for Vice Grip?"
Dan looked at her, the deranged fangirl holding him. It was too easy to say it. "Both." And he knew it would piss her off, which was just another reason to do it.
She looked down again, not letting go. Not letting him get to her and asked again, "Which one? Who?"
"I can be here for more than one thing. I can be here because I want both."
She looked up at him again and said, "So do I."
"She wants both."
"You want Chrys AND Vice Grip? Why? You have issues, lady. You wanted us all to be part of your little collection, you wanted us to be protected, but you can't protect us. Not from yourself, not from anybody else! Not against our own will."
"Everything I've done has been to protect you from your own will. I've seen Equestria crumble away to dust enough times to know what's going to happen!"
"NO!" Dan shouted back. "NO you don't. You may THINK you know, but like a band on tour, they play the same songs but they never play them the exact same way. Sometimes the singer's off-key, sometimes the bass amp isn't plugged in properly, sometimes the roadie trips on the cord backstage. It's never the same show twice, but you?" He pointed at her. "You're a broken record. And we're tired of listening to you."
"The only reason you've survived this long is because of me!" Cleo said. "I protected you! How many things have gone just right for you? How many times have you been beaten, battered, poisoned, why do you think your rage gives you strength? Because I ordained it to be that way, Dan! I AM Equestria, and I AM its magic! What do you think protected your train car on your way here? Dumb luck?!"
"YES!!" Dan said back. "Wait... ALL THAT WAS YOU? Okay, I'm calling bullshit."
She cupped her hands, looked down. "It's not something I can help, either. I love you... I always have. My heart and Equestria are linked. The experiments in the Crystal Empire with the Crystal Heart, they were an effort to see if I could be separated from Equestria. But... I can't. No more than anyone else."
"What the hell is it you're saying?" Dan asked. "If you're... linked than why in the HELL ARE YOU FIGHTING US!?"
"Because you're not supposed to be here!! NONE OF YOU ARE!!!" She roared. "You think you're the only one who fell through the sky and wound up here of all places?"
"What- is this about Nicky? Nicky was summoned-"
"It's not just Phoenix, you idiot!" She shouted. "You think just because Twilight went through one mirror one way, she came back to the same place? NO. She..."
Dan lowered his hands. "What the hell is it you're saying?" He asked, more seriously this time. More... calmly.
"You weren't summoned here, Dan," Twilight said. "But everyone else was. This Equestria was dead, Dan. Everypony and every person in it is from another Equestria. I summoned them here myself."
Dan stopped, just breathed. "This... everybody? But..." And then he asked something he knew he'd regret. "But why?"
She turned to him. "I told you already: I destroyed Equestria. And I'm meant to destroy it. I looked for alternatives, for ways to stall it... but instead, the answer came to me. You. But I'm still a pony. And I can't ignore my role in things any more than this universe can ignore you. I'm meant to destroy this place. So either you... all of you have to go... or I do."
Dan didn't know what to think. He felt like throwing up again, but didn't. "The only thing keeping us apart right now is you, lady. It's YOU."
She nodded. "You're absolutely right. So I have to ask, again, are you here for Chrys or for Vice?"
He swallowed. "That depends. Wh..." He knew what was coming. He felt it. He didn't want to, but he felt it. "Which one have I found?"
"Heh... well, would it be funny if I said both?" She pulled back her hood. "Because I'm neither."
And underneath was a face Dan had seen before. He felt his heart stop.
It was Twilight Sparkle.
"Surprised?" She asked. Was it his Twilight? Was it partly his Twilight? Was there another Twilight he didn't know about? Was... was it...
The room was spinning. And he wasn't even in a room.
She pulled back the hood all the way. "I'm sorry it had to be this way. But, to be fair, you did say you wanted to be involved. And I did give you a roof over your head. Evicted from your apartment, friends abandoning you... and everything that happened with Ted. Did you really have a choice other than to come here? You needed a fresh start. And you got one."
Dan couldn't speak. It's long his tongue and voice box were frozen, like a hand gripped around his neck. He raised his own hand, finger shaking, and pointed at her.
"Did you really have much of a life before coming here? Much of anything?"
"Auh... ahll..."
She nodded. "You're very lucky. Remember this book?" She held up a tome with a black cover. "It's actually Lyra's. She's why you're here, you know? She just summons humans because, well, she likes humans. But she's not the best at summoning spells, so they just end up falling out of the sky sometimes. Like you did."
The title on the book read: A R C A N E A P O L O G Y. But Twilight, with a simple wave of her withered wrist, wiped away the shadows that protected the book's true title. And underneath, it read:
ANTHROPOLOGY 101
It was nothing more than a textbook.
"A lot of times, the truth is simple, but rarely satisfying. So no, I'm not who you came here for," Twilight said. "But I am going to give them to you. Are you ready?"
"Ah... Twi..."
She smiled. "I have to get going. But for the record... I'm rooting for you. As always."
The ground parted under Dan. A dark tunnel opened up and he slid down it, down into a shaft that ran deep into the mountain. He had entered Prosperity at last. He did not scream. All the way down, he didn't scream, didn't vomit, didn't make a noise.
In his mind, all he thought of was one thing. One pony. His friend.
Dan slid out of the tunnel and onto a hard, steel floor under him. Wherever he was, it was well-lit. Looked like a science lab, or a military base, or both. Not unlike the Stable on the moon. He figured this had to be Vice Grip's last major complex.
"Twilight..." It was painful. He didn't know a lot about magic. Was the Director really Twilight Sparkle? Had she been all along or.... no. There was no point in speculating, as hard as it was not to. He had to focus on the one thing he was sure of know: Chrys. He had to find Chrys. And Vice Grip.
He had a feeling he would find them both together.
He walked through the corridor to a door. It opened for him, as he expected. Having come this far, there was no point in any final defenses, any guards or barricades. It would've just been more he'd already seen before. No, this was the point when both hero and villain of this story know that it is fate, destiny pushing them towards one another. And fate, too, was something Dan and Vice had both tried to defy in the past. Not this time, not now.
Although a battle raged outside, they would have all stopped to see these next, crucial moments. The fractions of time as the unstoppable force hurtled towards the immovable object. No, not an eye would have blinked, not a soul would have looked away. The cosmic and supernatural forces of Equestria did swirl like a torrent around in anticipation, a hurricane of turbulent unseen energies, and they were in the eye of it.
There were three corridors, all identical. Dan half-expected to see memories, guards saluting, weapons offered to him, something, anything at the last minute. Images of the past, like before his first fight with Vice. But there was nothing. Only silence.
The final door opened. Into a large, rectangular room Dan stepped. Opposite to him was another door. In front of that door was Rice.
He stood up. Dan stopped. Silence.
Neither of them said a thing for a long moment. An empty moment. Between them, only distance and silence, they stood like statues regarding each other, only breathing. Nearly-unblinking. Was it mutual respect, mutual hatred, gathering of strength? Perhaps all this and more.
"I expected you sooner," Rice said. "What took you so long?"
"I had..." Dan stopped himself. Why was he explaining? No matter. "I had some... other things to do."
"Of course. Of course you did," Rice said, smiling, a grin that hid his own anger and not very well did it hide. "You were busy. You had to run errands. It doesn't matter if it makes everyone else wait for you. You're that important."
Dan's fists balled. "It's not like that," he said through gritted teeth. As much as he hated Rice, he was making him even angrier. Impossible as it seemed to be, he was actually infuriating Dan further.
"Isn't it? Everything has to be YOUR way. You're always right, you know the right way, it's always you."
"I LISTEN to my FRIENDS. What the hell would you know ANYTHING about that?"
Rice scoffed. "You think I didn't have friends? A thousand years ago, I ran the little town you call home. I ran this whole country before it became this... backwater, stagnant, bloated kingdom that it is now. And I've done my homework, Dan. I've told you before- we're a lot alike. Haven't you had the same complaints about America? About Earth? Inefficient, overly-bureaucratic, wasteful... neglectful. Uncaring."
Dan said nothing in response. He had learned, especially since becoming a lord that Equestria and the United States of America, at least his version, had a lot in common. They both had their problems. All too similar problems. Even traffic, which Dan was originally happy about, until he rode a train in Equestria. No, Rice was right about this, and Dan didn't deny it. A lot escaped Equestria's government, a lot still happened that shouldn't, a lot of things... so many problems...
The system was broke. No one person could fix it.
But they could still make the world a better place.
"At least we're united. We may not be able to hardly stand each other... we may hate each other at times. I know I do. But we can still come together. We can still do awesome things. All my friends, they're outside because I asked them to be. Me. The really stupid thing is, that it's because they love me and I hate you. It's love and hate. It's a combination of all this crap, you can't shut it out. Instead of trying to eliminate each other... we should both accept that we're here. We could work well together."
Rice nodded. Then, shook his head. "No, no I don't have to accept it. I can change this world, alone if I have to."
Dan nodded. His fists unballed. "You don't have to do it alone." He stepped forward, and smiled. "This is gonna sound crazy... and really stupid. Like, really, really insanely stupid. But it's you who needs to stop trying to get revenge."
"Like you have? When have you, EVER, IN YOUR ENTIRE, MISERABLE, MISERY-CAUSING LIFE EVER BUCKING given UP on REVENGE?!"
Inhale. Exhale. "Uh... well, just now."
"Well then," Rice stepped forward. "That's where we're different."
After all this time, after laying in bed awake, too angry to move or hardly think, Dan's anger had dissolved. Or perhaps, resolved into something else. He had always been good at being practical, about being fair, about being pragmatic. He did like doing things efficiently, his way. Because he genuinely thought it was better. His anger was mostly frustration that others let things impair them, hold them back, get in his way. But he was good at being practical and finding solutions.
He had found one.
Rice was a genius. When other scholars had said magic couldn't be duplicated, he invented technological versions of spells. When it was physically impossible for things to be built, he built them anyway. Rice was Dan as a pony in almost every way. There was truly little that separated them- even their voices were similar, taste in music, and Dan liked Lunchables, too. And Dan wanted to remove Rice as a threat to Equestria... but to kill him would have been a waste. It would have been adding another crime, another tragedy to Rice's life.
It would have continued the cycle.
It wouldn't have fixed anything.
Finally, Dan accepted that.
"We destroy our enemies when we make them our friends."
Friendship is magic. Right now, they needed all the magic they could get. To face future threats and present ones. Rice could help today. Behind bars or buried, he could help no one. There, deep underground, away from the eyes of the world, Dan truly started to forgive someone. He didn't need to get even, he didn't need to get justice. He had to give it up to prevent further injustice from happening. If he didn't, more ponies would suffer.
They needed Rice. He needed them.
Unfortunately, Rice did not feel the same. That's why he threw the first punch.
"ALLCK!"
And the second.
"GALG!"
And the third.
"GAGGK!"
Dan doubled up, fell to the floor. He used his forearms to shield his face; a good thing, too, because Rice delivered a hard kick to his stomach.
"You got EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING YOUR WAY. THIS WAS MY WORLD!!!" He kicked him so hard he rolled over.
"I... I..." Dan was panting, gasping for breath. Surrendering his anger had also surrendered some of his physical strength. He felt every blow and rage could not numb the pain. Without strong feeling, magic had nothing to latch onto and could not empower him. It was just him, him alone. Maybe it always was. Still, even when he needed to, he felt no anger.
"I was worse than exploited. I was buried. Forgotten. Erased. ERASED!" He kicked him again. "My FAMILY, MY SON! Like my beating heart was ripped out of my chest and crushed... like my soul had died. But I kept on living. I'm not even sure why." He turned around, paced a bit.
"I... these... the... these..." These things happen? Was that what he wanted to say? He tasted blood, that was bad. He steadied himself. He had to keep going. He had to survive. He rolled himself onto his stomach, the cold metal floor on his fresh bruises. Any other man would have been dead, magic or not. Dan braced his arms against the floor.
"And you... you come in here, become a major celebrity. A hero. You get everything your way," Rice said. "Everything you could've ever wanted. My world. And it was all just a boon for you, wasn't it?"
Dan was woozy. Breathing was hard. Still, he steadied himself, pushed up off the floor. He managed a word. "Wha... what?"
Rice turned around. "Yes, this was everything you wanted, wasn't it? You didn't have anything on Earth. You didn't have any friends."
"Mrow?"
"You've never truly lost anything. Because you've never cared about anything."
"Mis... Mis..."
"Mr. Mumbles! Where have you been?" "Mrrow." "Oh, I love you too, little kitty."
"Mis... M-Mister... Mi... Mister..."
On a long, cold and raining night, he'd come home and there would be a friend waiting for him. One of his closest friends. His kitty cat, Mr. Mumbles.
"Mister... Mumbles. Mr. Mumbles."
The memory of his cat came first. He still cared about her. He never forgot her. She never forgot him. Not ever.
"What's that now?" Rice asked. He knelt over Dan. A small puddle of saliva, sweat and blood lay in front of him.
Tears began streaming down Dan's face. Other memories came next.
"Apology accepted, Dan." "You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico." "He's like an angry gold fish." "In fact, I remember this one time..." "That's completely absurd! Can I come along?" "Okay, but I'm not killing anyone." "Dan." "Dan." "Dan!" "Merrrow."
A host of memories flashed before Dan's eyes. His friends, his friends from Earth, the life he left behind. No, he hadn't truly left them behind; they were a part of him. They made him. Every bright spot in his crummy life up until now. Including his friends on Equestria.
Dan stood up. "You think I don't care? You think I OF ALL PEOPLE don't CARE?!?!" Rice swung at him, he dodged, backed away. "ALL I CARE about is my friends. And I care about them enough NOT to care about you and your threats... when they tell me not to."
"You should've killed me on the moon. I should've killed you when I had the chance."
"I'M SORRY. You want me to say it? I'm part of the Equestrian Royal Family now. I'm a noble, that makes me... I don't know what it makes me. In line for the throne or something."
Rice almost spat in disgust. "You're a complete fucking idiot and them giving you a title is just another example in a long list of bad decisions by the royalty. By what passes for leadership here."
"AND I'M APOLOGIZING. On behalf of that leadership, I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" Dan said, genuinely. "I'm sorry... really, I am."
The scientist's muscles tensed a little less. Impossibly, it seemed like he was actually calming down as well. Maybe Dan was getting through to him.
So Dan continued. "You lost your son. Your home, your family, everything you knew and loved was taken to you. And yes, it was by some evil, unicorn bitch. They tried to kill you and-"
"She's alive."
"She- what? Who?"
"Princess Quintessa Quartz. It was a made-up name," Rice revealed. "There never was a Princess Quartz. Princess Platinum's heir was a male, Prince Cyano. He's Blueblood's ancestor."
"I..." Dan shook his head. "That doesn't matter."
"You really don't know how much of their own history they changed, do you? Or... does America do the same thing? Make things look better in hindsight for themselves?"
"It doesn't MATTER! What matters is NOW!!" Dan shouted. "WHERE. IS. CHRYS?!"
"Chrys IS Princess Quartz. The same way Discord was Minister Discovery; they were trying to infiltrate Equestria and conquer it from within. Discord was at least successful for a time."
"I. DON'T. CARE." He didn't have time for this. He wanted Chrys, he wanted his family. That's all he cared about. Once they were all together, all safe, then they could decide who was what and who did what. He would not rest until he found her.
Rice folded his arms, smirked. "What happens if Chrys isn't here, Dan? What if she never really loved you?"
Dan's fists balled again. "WHERE?! I'm not going to ask again."
Again, Rice smirked. "And? What are you going to do?"
And... Dan's fists unballed. He wasn't going to give in to him. He pinched his eyes, turned away from him. "There are more important things... more important things happening. Than just me and you." He looked at Rice. "It's not worth it. She... they are. There is no justice to be had for you or me. The biggest thing... the best thing to do, to settle things is to just get over it. Move on."
"Move on? That's what you intend to do?"
In a clearly unstable, almost jittering-ly angry fashion, Rice shook his head. "No. Maybe you can just start over, but not me. Not me, Dan." His jet boots activated and he rushed at Dan.
"Oh, COME ON!!" Dan guarded his face as Rice delivered a rocket-powered punch into him. He flew backwards, out of the room again.
Perhaps there was a reason for this once. Perhaps, there was a point behind all of this, one singular, defining answer as to why this all exists, why it was made in the first place. Like a painting, or a song, or any other piece of art, perhaps this world's Creator did have a reason for giving life to this place we call Equestria.
She's gone. And whatever initial reason She had has long since vanished with Her.
Yet Her work remains. Her reason for creating this place may never be known. But there can still be a reason for this place. Do you know what it is? It's whatever you want it to be. Whatever you decide is the point to this place, whatever you interpret, whatever conclusion you divine, that's the point. That's the reason for Equestria.
It might not be fully satisfying, and it might be far from definitive, but it can still be true in a sense. Whatever you've taken from here, that is yours and yours alone. Your vision of this place will be different from everyone else's, and it will have a reason, whatever reason you make for it, however you see it. Sometimes, truth is up to interpretation. Sometimes, the only thing that makes sense... is whatever sense you can make out of it.
Do you want to know a secret? That wasn't Her reason for doing things.
It was mine.
Prosperity Mountain Exterior
"Charge ahead! Keep going!" Twilight ordered. "To the mountain! We have to reach the top!"
"What's at the top?!" Rainbow asked. Honestly, any one of them could've asked, but Rainbow Dash was closest.
And Twilight answered honestly. "I have absolutely no idea! They wouldn't be protecting it if it wasn't important!"
Twilight's hypothesis appeared to be correct. As the fighting continued, the mountain produced more defenses. Turrets sprang up, and on the top corners of those turrets appeared smaller turrets. And on top of those turrets were smaller- you get the idea.
The pony forces saw this and morale dropped like a stone. At the front of the formation, Spitfire swallowed. "Well... shi-"
"Shield! Twilight, shield?!"
Her horn sparked. She turned behind her. "Rarity, shield!"
Rarity's horn did the same. Before she could turn, Trixie tapped her on the shoulder.
"Trixie's gonna stop you right there. No. Not happening." Trixie was holding up an empty Gatorade bottle, clear evidence that shield was indeed not happening.
The cannons were about to fire. Twilight turned to everyone. "Everybody-" She was about to tell them to duck.
Thankfully, she didn't have to.
A flurry of missiles streamed through the air. They shot with pinpoint accuracy, striking the base of each turret, both the big ones, medium-sized ones and the tiny ones, destroying them all in a white-hot blaze.
"That's not our artillery!"
"Then who was it?" Springer asked.
"Look! It's... Twilight?"
"No... it's not," Twilight said, watching as the new arrivals flew overhead. "It's just my head."
The Twilicopter soared over them. A new version, it sported Twilight's face, only angrier. Her eyes were narrow and determined, and her mouth was a toothy snarl instead of a goofy grin. To top it all off, she sported some new 'teeth' in the form of double-twin miniguns and missile launchers.
What was even more surprising was who was flying it.
"Get ready, we're coming around again!" Barro said, gripping the controls.
"Okay-okay! We're reloaded!" Michael said. The Twilicopter swung around for another pass, destroying the rest of the mountain's defenses.
And the normally-clueless news duo weren't the only reinforcements. The foodimals began to rain from the clouds above. Supervised by Fluttershy and Derpy, the flurry of creatures were acting as paratroopers, taking up positions all around the enemy. Their small size allowed them to land unnoticed. That, plus the fact they were dropping without parachutes and just randomly bouncing everywhere.
"Everybody, get down!" Springer yelled. There was no time to explain; the foodimals were all clutching bombs with their tiny paws. Just as the ponies ducked to cover, those bombs exploded.
Thankfully, the foodimals were made of rubber, ensuring their adorable survival.
*BOOM-BOOBOOM-BOOM*
They were only grenades, but there were lots of them and lots of foodimals. The explosions blasted holes in the dense enemy formations, tearing them to pieces. And they kept coming- a rain of exploding, cute toy-like creatures descended all around the ponies.
But the odds still weren't even. The Sith continued attacking the Royal Guards, swatting at them with their quarterstaffs.
"Alright Rarity, we're ready for you!" Twilight shouted. "Deploy the second wave!"
Guarded tightly in the center of the royalist formation were a set of wagons. Upon Twilight's order, they unfolded, collapsed, their ramps lowered and out came yet another wave of angry, half-crazed and armed civilians. Angry, unskilled and undisciplined, they rushed over and through the Royal Guard phalanxes and into the Sith. With most of them still recovering from the bombs, they were completely unprepared for an onslaught of berserk fury.
Now was their chance. "Rarity, Trixie, I need you to hold the line!"
"Aye, dear!" "Yes, Twilight Sparkle!"
She rose, taking flight but not flying too high and shouted, "Everyone who can, follow me! We have to rescue Chrys!"
Springer, Aegis, a few of the Royal Guards and Enclave ponies broke formation where they could and followed Twilight. Together, they charged up the mountain side. A few Sith tried to stop them, but they were easily blasted or smacked aside. With Twilight leading the charge, they galloped to the summit.
"Hey," Spinner asked. "Isn't this the part where somepony yells 'For Equestria' or something?"
Springer scoffed. "As if we're actually going to do something so cliche-"
"FOR EQUESTRIA!!!!!!!!!!!" Twilight shouted, followed quickly by the royal guards.
"FOR EQUESTRIA!!!!!!"
Dan hit the ground in the corridor he'd arrived in, skidded to a halt about half way down it. He struggled to stand, pushing himself off his back before rolling onto his front. He pressed his forearms against the cold, metal floor, even using his elbows to push himself up.
The door between him and Rice had closed. Then, it exploded. Rice ripped the door upwards with his gauntlets and tore it off its hinges. Then, he broke it into two jagged pieces and threw them at Dan.
"Sh-SHIT!" Dan scrambled and ended up lunging out of the way. The first piece bounced off the floor, followed quickly by the second, spinning in the air as they bounced before landing and clattering away. Dan lunged again, reached and grabbed one just in time.
Rice rocketed towards Dan again. This time, Dan blocked his rocket punch with the shattered piece of door. Sparks flew off it as metal scraped metal, and Rice went flying by. Having Stevie and his shield here right now would've been very helpful.
Kent drew his lightsaber but didn't ignite it. He also didn't take his eyes off the Sith in front of him. With his weapon in his right hand, he slowly drew his commlink from his belt with his left hand.
"Captain Springer? This is Kent. Tell Twilight I've located the entrance to the base. You should be able to use my position on your radar to find it." He keyed it off and returned it to his belt quickly.
"So," Arteem said, shrugging, "I get the lone wolf." He smiled. The Sith Lord, extremely powerful and equally confident, had not drawn his weapon at all. "It's been a while since I've faced a Jedi. Especially a real one."
Kent didn't give in to the taunting. He was experienced, disciplined. So was Arteem. Even the Sith Lord's smile was especially grating, designed to be unpleasant and annoying, the kind of smugness only someone so full of themselves could truly muster. His extremely-close, nearly buzzed haircut gave him a young impression, yet his pale, grayish skin and eyes were a clear indication of intense Dark Side corruption. His eyes bore the distinctive yellowish-orange tint of the Dark Side and glowed slightly in the darkness.
"I don't know why I bother fighting over one planet. I control a whole galaxy, you know. My dimension? I own it. After I wiped out the Jedi, the Republic fell easily," Arteem said. Paused, just a moment to let that sink in. To see if it would. "Would you like a planet of your own? I could give you one. Some place nice. Maybe Ossus or Dantooine? The ruins of the old Jedi Temples might even have some relics that haven't been plundered yet. Doubtful, but you never know."
Arteem still did not draw his weapon. But it was clear he was trying to draw Kent out. He paced gingerly, discussing genocide as casually as anything else. He could've been chatting about the weather. Kent knew, however, that this was a show. The Sith was actively sensing through the Force, sensing Kent, probing him for any subtle change in his emotions. The Force would tell him that just as surely as anything else, even through his armor.
"I happen to have a few of those trinkets myself. Wanna know how many?"
Again, Kent said nothing. He slowly reached down with his left hand and drew his other saber.
Arteem nodded. "No talking?"
Kent didn't answer, not even a single word. Every moment he spent while the cloaked idiot prattled on, it was another moment his friends were closer to his position. Friends... yes, he was beginning to think of them as friends. Funny thing, that.
"Okay, then."
The first lightsaber came from behind. It happened so fast, Kent barely had time to ignite one of his own to deflect it before the second one came. Couldn't deflect that one; he dodged it, a spinning blue blade. Finally, Arteem activated a pair of his own sabers. Four. The first one red, the second cyan, the third in his left hand purple and the fourth viridian. Four blades to Kent's two orange ones.
He vaulted over the cyan blade as it came swirling at him again. He used one of his own sabers to keep the red one in check. Arteem, still holding the other sabers, did not engage him. The Sith was toying with him. That was both good and bad.
Kent used his other saber to clasp the red blade. He whipped around and sent it flying into the cyan sword. Both opposing blades clashed in midair but stayed afloat, guided by Arteem's power. Maybe he could try to slash the hilt of one, destroy it, even the odds a bit.
"Not bad, not bad at all. You would've impressed Kavar. Maybe not Vrook, though. And certainly not my master." Arteem raised the two blades he was holding and they slowly levitated out of his hands, grinning as he did so. The other two blades pulled back until the new ones joined.
Kent felt his breathing quicken. The four blades surrounded him, raised high.
Behind him, Arteem paced again. "My master was very hard to impress. Wasn't the best teacher, either. But she did do one important thing few teachers do. You see, she didn't just want me to understand her lessons. She wanted me to surpass them."
The four floating lightsabers each extended. From their bases, another plasma blade was produced, doubling the amount of blades Kent faced from four... to eight.
"And I have."
The four floating double-sabers slowly began to rotate. They spun faster and faster until the air hummed all around him. Something cold gripped him, reminding him that he was more than just an armored shell. The floating sabers began to cut into the rock beneath like buzzsaw blades, sending showers of sparks into the air.
"Oh shit."
"What was that?" Arteem asked. "Sorry, couldn't hear you over your imminent painful death approaching. Oh well. Maybe the next Jedi will be more inclined to chat."
The blades came closer, slicing their way towards him. He couldn't block them, but he could jump over them, so he did. In the split-second of time he had to decide where to jump, he knew his options. Jumping anywhere would put just enough distance between himself and the sabers that he could potentially dodge it if it reversed. But to go on the offensive, he needed to do what was unexpected. He needed to think aggressively. He needed to think... like Dan.
He leaped over the spinning blades and landed right in front of Arteem. For a brief moment, the Sith Lord actually looked surprised, astonished that Kent had turned a hopeless situation completely around. With all four lightsabers still behind him, there was but a fraction of a second where the Sith was now completely unarmed. He'd sent his weapons out and didn't have a single one in reserve. Any Force power he used, Kent could deflect with his own saber... and use the second to deliver the killing blow.
Kent didn't hesitate. He slashed the Sith's midsection with both his orange blades and was rewarded with the sight of the Sith staggering backward, clutching his abdomen. Arteem gasped, gripped the glowing tears into his body.
"I... ah..." Arteem then looked up. "I can't believe you didn't go for the head. Do none of you watch movies?" The Sith removed an armored underlay from beneath his robes. Not all body armor was powered or had a built-in jetpack. Some of it was subtle, like a bullet-proof vest. Or in Dan's case, the athletic cup he sometimes wore. Bad guys weren't afraid to go for the crotch. Or the head. Sometimes both.
"Also, aren't you forgetting something?"
Kent instinctively flipped. One of the spinning blades cut through the air that had just occupied his neck, and kept spinning right at Arteem. If this had been another movie, another story, maybe that blade would've kept going and sliced right through Arteem, a fitting end to him. Instead, the Sith caught it.
Kent landed and guarded with his own sabers. Perhaps he was thinking of the Sith's own advice but he instinctively guarded his own head. And the Sith instinctively stabbed him in the gut.
The wind suddenly left Kent's lungs. His body instantly felt like it was a sack full of rocks. He tasted blood and smelled ozone. His armor was strong, but not strong enough to take the full force of a penetrating thrust from a lightsaber. The Sith knew that. Now, the red blade was sticking completely through him. He felt the heat, and pain from the heat, but not the piercing blade itself.
It was odd. He'd used lightsabers since he was a youngling, as many Old Republic-era Jedi had, but he'd never thought about being stabbed. He'd had a few glancing blows in his time, been shot at by blasters, smashed, clawed, swiped at and thrown into the air by several large creatures, but never actually straight-up stabbed by a lightsaber. Strange feeling.
His own lightsabers deactivated. He dropped to the ground, the world going black around him.
"You could've had your own planet," Arteem said.
The other floating sabers levitated back to Arteem. A few moments later, Twilight Sparkle and company arrived on the back of Magic Gear ALT, who had joined the battle to help them climb up the mountain.
They saw Kent and Arteem standing over him.
"The signal stopped here and-" Springer looked up. "Oh."
"I'm sorry, is he your friend? Someone should've told him it was dangerous to go alone," Arteem said, now taunting all of them. He put his boot on the defeated Jedi. To his surprise, Kent groaned underneath him.
"Eeg, I'm sorry. That must hurt. Let me take care of that for you." Arteem raised his saber and brought it down.
Kent vanished. And reappeared in Twilight's hooves with the others.
"Eeuh..."
"Don't try to move. Or speak," Twilight said.
"He won't have a problem doing that."
Twilight glared at him. She'd never matched magic against a Force-user before, certainly not like the Dark Exile. She didn't know how magic and space magic would collide, but right now, she didn't care. She had to get to Dan and Chrys.
And then, Phoenix Wright stepped in front of her. "Nick?"
"Hold it or objection?" Phoenix smiled.
"Nick..." She looked at him. She knew he was outmatched, he knew he was outmatched, this was not his time. This was not the courtroom. Failure here meant more than a guilty verdict- it meant death.
"There's a time for talking, Twilight. It's not now. Your magic can help Kent more than I can. Take care of him, I've got this."
She paused only for a moment. "Okay," she nodded. "We'll meet you inside." She took Kent on her back and left. Where they were going exactly, Phoenix didn't know. They disappeared from sight. Phoenix turned back around to face his destiny.
"Oh, this is rich. This is real fucking rich," Arteem said. He pointed at Phoenix with his lightsaber, gesturing angrily. "You people make things too damn complicated, you know that? I didn't just wake up today, come here and say, 'I wanna get in everyone's way and kill a whole bunch of people.' Some days, sure, but not today. I didn't wake up and think I was going to kill a Jedi and a lawyer today."
Phoenix smirked, drew his sword. "Day ain't over yet. You still might not."
"Funny, very funny, lawyer. What makes YOU think YOU can take me? What makes YOU think you even stand a chance against ME? You know the things I've done? I'm a lot like Dan, actually. I cut through the BS, became a dominant force in my galaxy, a force to be reckoned with. All the lying, the manipulating, the spying and garbage, it all comes down to a test of strength. The strongest survive. Dan understands that."
"You don't know a damn thing about Dan," Phoenix shot back. "And you're not a damn thing like him." His own anger was rising, boiling inside of him. The heat of his own rage, focused, balanced, pure pierced the darkness around them.
"Heh," Arteem scoffed. "What makes you say that, lawyer?"
Phoenix raised his sword. "You talk too squeeing much!!" He charged him.
Arteem raised his hand. "Objection!" A bolt of Force Lightning shot from his fingertips, arcing towards Phoenix.
Phoenix slashed his blade through the air, batting the lightning bolt with the steel. "Overruled!"
Twilight heard the crackling of the lightning. She was compelled to go back and help Phoenix, but the rest of the unicorns and magic-users were still holding the line at the base of the mountain. She had to help Kent.
"I'm... I'm sorry," Kent muttered, which was pretty impressive for a guy that was just stabbed through the middle with an energy blade. "I fa... failed again. Taris and now... Equestria."
"You need to stop talking," Twilight said. Laying him down carefully on a beach towel, she removed part his torso armor, the two pieces, or what had become two pieces that had been melted in the center.
"I've got the first aid kit," Springer said. "But, uh, it's for... for ponies. I mean, it should still work, but-"
"It'll be fine," Twilight said. She removed the contents of the kit and began to treat the human as best she could. She didn't know how he hadn't passed out yet. "We need to get your armor off."
"Wait!" His gauntleted hand shot up and grabbed her hoof. "Y-you... c-c..."
Twilight shook her head. "You're hurt, we have to get your armor off to treat you. This isn't the time for some honor-code thing about not taking off your helmet, or-"
"N-no," he said. "I-I'm..."
"Oh," Springer said. "Your highness, I uh, I don't think he's wearing any clothes under the armor."
Kent nodded. "Y-yes."
"Oh," Twilight said. "That's, well, that's really not a big deal. But thanks for the heads-up," she added.
They treated him as best as they could, as fast as they could. With most of the medics still at the base of the mountain, they patched him up enough to last until they reached them.
Meanwhile, Twilight found the entrance. Of course, it was locked. It was also a metal door covered by a painted tarp that made it look like the mountainside. The Director loved her cartoony jokes. Twilight herself might've found it funny any other time. But with her magic still depleted, she couldn't open it.
"I'm gonna see if we have any explosives left. Maybe the Blasties didn't use them all," Springer said.
"Could we shoot the door open?" Twilight asked. "Do you have enough ammo-"
Kent handed her his lightsabers. "Use these. Point this part and this part away from you."
"Thank you."
He clutched his abdomen where he'd been stabbed. His breathing was heavy and strained. "I'm happy... I was able to do... so-something useful. You don't... need me here."
Twilight touched his hand. "We have you here. And we aren't losing you." She took the sabers and cut through the door.
The Battle of Prosperity Mountain, or just the Battle of Prosperity, was mostly over after that. Despite the odds, the royalist forces were able to defeat the armies of the dark past and the twisted future. Barro and Michael airlifted the critically-wounded, including Kent, to the hospital in Canterlot while the remaining royalists formed a perimeter around the entrance to the mountain base.
Twilight entered the mountain alone.
Phoenix and Arteem clashed. Sparks exploded where their swords collided. The two combatants slashed at each other, testing defenses before breaking apart again.
The Exile was toying with him, the way he'd toyed with Kent. Like the unicorns, the effort of controlling the floating lightsabers had left him a bit drained, so he was using just the one saber until he recuperated. Unlike the ponies and Jedi, Arteem fed on negative emotions like anger, hate and fear. It wouldn't be long before he was back to full strength in this climate.
"This isn't your kendo class, Nicky boy. And I can tell you're not much of a fencer."
Phoenix did not respond. He kept clashing with him, blocking his blows and slashing with his own attacks. (I got an A in Kendo, at least.)
"Alright, I suppose I'll have to switch things up a bit." Arteem suddenly got faster. His attacks became more coordinated without warning. Arteem swatted at him with a diagonal, overhead slash, a powerful one that took all of Phoenix's strength to block. But when he did, Arteem hit him with his elbow, smacking him across the chin before smacking him with his saber's hilt.
Phoenix staggered back. He had not experienced THAT in Kendo class. He tasted blood, but knew it was more of a superficial blow, something to throw him off his guard. It had worked. (Dirty fighting, really? Why is it you never expect dirty fighting with swords?)
"You need some more lessons, lawyer." He pointed his red blade at him.
Phoenix raised his own sword again, said nothing. Arteem was shorter than Phoenix but faster, and he was using it to his advantage. He made his profile small and held his saber slightly inward, bending his arm and holding the hilt in his palm. This made it so he could slash outward quickly, swipe at Phoenix while simultaneously luring him closer.
It was apparent immediately; Arteem was a master swordsman.
"Kick his ass, Nix!"
"I'm- it's, dah, uh- easier... easier said than done!!" Phoenix had to fend off a quick flurry of jabs while answering Rainbow Dash. Either enamored or out of a sense of caution, the ponies that stayed back to treat Kent and secure the perimeter were staying back, letting Phoenix engage Arteem alone.
Which was a fact he didn't really appreciate. "You know, you guys could help ou-OOOUUUT a-any time now!!"
"Right! Flank him!" Spitfire, Rainbow Dash and Springer took off and spun up their plasma rotors.
"No no no, let's keep this one-on-one," Arteem said. The other lightsabers rose from the ground, forcing the pegasi to abruptly reverse their flight.
The two men clashed again. With Arteem's swiftness, Phoenix was having to back-step to stay out of his reach. It didn't help that his metal sword was also considerably heavier than the dark exile's plasma blade. Red light reflected off Arteem's face, illuminating his malevolent grin. He was relishing every moment of it, drinking in Phoenix's fear.
And Phoenix was afraid. Cold sweat coated his hands, forcing him to grip tighter. It was another one of the countless things for his brain to juggle during the duel, not unlike being in a courtroom battle. The difference was that in court, he had time, all the time he needed until the judge's gavel came down, time to go over the evidence, to piece through testimonies and find the answers. Here, there was no time to think.
"AAHH!" One of the sabers behind him poked his upper arm.
"Oh, come on. I barely touched you." Arteem jabbed at him again, getting his elbow on his other arm.
"AAGGH!!" Phoenix gritted his teeth. His arms burned and it was getting hard to see.
Arteem shrugged. "I guess it's about time to finish this, isn't it? You're really not cut out for this." He gestured past Phoenix with his saber. "I'll take one of you flying ones next- the one in the middle."
"Oh, you're on, buddy!" Rainbow Dash shouted.
Arteem smiled. "Enthusiasm! I like that. You'll be fun to stab."
Phoenix gritted his teeth, gripped his sword tight. He would not give this douchebag the chance. "AAAAAHHHH!!" He charged the Dark Exile.
They clashed again. Their blades smacked into each other sending another shower of sparks cascading outward. Phoenix breathed heavily; it was taking all his strength to hold him in place. Arteem just grinned back at him.
"Phoenix... it's Phoenix, right? Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney?" Arteem asked. Phoenix didn't give him the satisfaction of an answer. "Justice is a nice concept to fight for. But everyone's got their own version of justice. Defending the innocent? Nicky boy, you can't even defend yourself. You're out of your element."
He panted. He felt his heels scraping against the ground. Arteem pressed against him hard with his blade. He couldn't match him with his strength. Phoenix just didn't have enough left.
"Justice is what the strong, the smart and the powerful decide it is. It's not blind or equal. It's not fair. Life isn't fair, is it? So why pretend it is? Why try making it fair? You can't protect everyone, Phoenix. You pick and you choose. You render your own judgment. Nothing is fair. Just fair to you.
Every word was making Phoenix angrier. He felt his hands trembling with rage, but also exhaustion. Still, rage surged through him. He put all his remaining strength into his right arm and shoulder.
"Your version of justice, Wright... it doesn't exist."
"I..."
"Yes?"
"I..."
"Yesssss?" Arteem was drinking it in. It was all just a game to him, so why wouldn't it be fun? He didn't realize, that there was something about games.
Phoenix pulled out a handgun from under his coat. "I object."
*BAM* *BAM* ... *BAM*
The floating lightsabers hit the ground. Arteem staggered backward. "I... I-gyehh..." He fell over, grabbing his stomach.
Fired at point-blank range, there was nothing Arteem could do to stop the bullets. Maybe if he hadn't been so distracted, he could've used the Force to deflect them. All of a sudden, his strength left him. He fell down to one knee, clutching his wounds.
"This... this isn't... this... this isn't..."
"Oh, just shut the fuck up." Phoenix shot him in the head.
The final shot hit Arteem in the forehead. He was blasted back onto his back, killed instantly. Was probably more merciful than letting him bleed out.
Phoenix holstered the gun again quickly. He didn't like guns. He also sheathed his sword, thinking some Gatorade right now would probably be really good. He turned back to Arteem's lifeless corpse.
"And for the record, that was probably more justice than you deserved. You... you piece of... uh, Sith. Or whatever." He turned back to the ponies. (Why is everyone looking at me?)
"No, no, it was awesome!" She rushed up to him. They high-fived, even down-lowed. The double-five, a rare gesture of comraderie and approval.
Springer took off her helmet. "Wow, Nick, that was... something. It was almost..."
"Yeah, it was..."
All the ponies were looking at him. His black hair was messy, he was dirty and his uniform and armor were torn, his body was singed and bruised. His muscles were still tensed from the action, from the rage.
"It's almost like you're... you're Dan," Rainbow Dash said.
And Phoenix had only one thing to say to that: "OBJECTION!! Anybody can act like that or, well, like Dan when they get that angry. And that desperate. Also, uh, Dan would've probably shot him a lot sooner than that." Phoenix Wright was still Phoenix Wright. He was just also Dan's best friend, so they tended to rub off on each other. No homo.
"He's right. I would have. And I'm not even in this scene. But good job, Nicky."
"Yeah, you're probably right," Rainbow said.
That was how Phoenix Wright defeated and executed Arteem Surik, ending the reign of the Dark Exile of KOTOR 2's dark side ending. Although very powerful, Arteem was still not invincible. Like Phoenix, he was a video game character, and had the ability to restore himself as avatars did to their primal state, primal reversion. But, an avatar could defeat another avatar, and Phoenix had done just that.
The pegasi and Barro helped airlift the wounded back to Canterlot's hospital. Phoenix and a few other royal guards followed Twilight into the depths of the mountain fortress.
When no one was looking, when all eyes had departed, a pair of shadowy figures emerged from the darkness. The dark figures grabbed Arteem's arms and dragged him into the shadows, what was left of him.
Dan had two options: he could engage Vice Grip, or keep running. For whatever reason, he chose the latter option. As Rice was still reversing his course, preparing to rocket back down the corridor the other way, Dan dashed back to the box room.
"Don't you run from me!!"
He ran through the shattered doorway. As predicted, Rice came rocketing right at him. But Dan knew he was going to do this, and side-stepped Rice at the last second. Perhaps it was his own understanding of single-minded fury, but he was now able to predict Rice's actions the same way Rice had predicted Dan's own in their previous scuffles.
Rice grabbed at Dan as he came by, but his boot jets were meant for speed and ascension, and had to slow down in cases like these for precise maneuvers. This worked to Dan's advantage, though he didn't know for how long. He didn't know what was beyond the door at the end of the box arena- he was just focused on getting to it at that moment. Rice only managed to grab at thin air as he roared past Dan again.
Dan dodged him again. Putting distance between him and Rice, he bolted for the door. Rice took a full five seconds to readjust his jets before he was able to chase after Dan again. By that time, Dan had reached the door.
"No!"
He yanked it open, ran through and closed it behind him. He didn't turn back for a second- he kept running. Up a set of stairs to another tight corridor. The ceiling, the floor, the walls all looked identical and were the same glowing, iridescent white and black trim in color. Unexpectedly, Rice didn't open the door to follow him. Dan didn't slow down; he quickly vaulted up the steps and into the next hall.
He kept running. His breath felt cold. Was this rational? Was he doing the right thing? Should he be stopping to examine the panels, the lighting, see any other parts of the base? These questions each flashed in his head among dozens of other silent concerns, all pushed aside as he jogged, breathing heavy, running to the very end. It's where Chrys had to be- at the end. She was the primary concern, the only thing that mattered on his mind.
A loud, mechanical noise rang down the hall. Dan hardly noticed it, didn't let it slow him down. What he couldn't ignore was when the hallway suddenly split straight down the middle.
"Oh... oh crap."
The floor suddenly parted under him and the ceiling above him. The widened away from each other and an expanse, no, an abyss formed beneath him... and above him. Nothing, no light, just endless blackness expanding outward, growing. He instinctively moved to the right side, still doing his best to keep up his face but now, he had to also not fall into the void.
"You only care about her. Admirable. But you can't protect her. No more than I could protect my son."
He glanced up, then all around. He didn't even know where Rice's voice was coming from, nor did he care. He kept running.
The hall shifted again. The wall next to him folded downward, then away. He was now running on a very thin strip in the dark. From the distance of the void, he looked as though, and actually was, walking on a single beam of light. Every instinct he had told him to slow down, to balance more. One wrong step and he would fall, tumble into nothing. Would he just be falling forever?
"This world never had anything to give you. You weren't even born into it. It brought you here because it needed something from you. Once you're no longer useful, the moment you're in the way, you'll be discarded. Like you never even existed."
"Oh, for fuck's sake! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!" Dan yelled frantically, hysterically. "I just want my fiance- she's alive! I'm sorry about your son, Rice, but I wasn't even involved!" He slowed down, came to a stop. "Just gimme... just gimme a minute, gawd. Why are all the hallways so long?!"
"I understand why you want revenge now. Why it's such a base desire. I'm a scientist, remember? I figure things out, now, I've figured out what you want. It's another thing we share."
"You DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!!" Dan shouted. "I WANT CHRYS!!!"
The lights underneath him, the panels parted. He hopped to the next one, then the next one, then the next one. He was now hop-stepping in the dark. His heart did leaps inside his chest.
"You want people to understand. When the rest of the world just wants to move on, revenge, retribution is a lesson, a reaction to match the magnitude of the crime inflicted. Equal and opposite, with emotion, with feeling, with effort and everything unseen and unquantifiable taken into account. It's genius, really. It makes sense. Natural justice driven by natural action and reaction. The world must understand, Dan. The world physically needs people like you because it needs revenge."
"I'M NOT... I'M NOT..." Oh gawd, oh gawd, one step, he didn't have time to balance. One step, his knees felt like they were on fire. His legs began to wobble.
"You can't fight your nature any more than I can. Or anything else in this world. But I can see you break, Dan. And break you will. So that they will suffer. So that the magic of friendship understands what happens when you try to just bury your problems. When you burn bridges, you burn your side as well."
The panels disintegrated. They split again into smaller pieces. Dan's foot fit on one, then the next one, then they disintegrated again into particles. Dan fell. He grabbed at the dots, the tiny particles of light instinctively and was rewarded when he grabbed hold of them. He then grabbed the next one, then the next one. It was actually a bit easier since his arms weren't as tired as his legs, but the effort was still exhausting. Still, he vaulted.
Dan was now horizontally climbing, swinging from light cluster to light cluster, hang-climbing. Beneath him, his legs touched nothing, he swung through cold air.
"...Okay, now that's actually impressive."
"Fuck... fu... fuck... you..."
"You cling to hope, sure. But that runs out eventually. Here or Earth, there are rules you must abide to, Dan. The fact is, we were all deceived. There's always been more than just six elements. Some elements, like you, are more unstable than others. But you can be controlled. Cleo knew that. We just had to have the proper conditions."
Dan stopped. He hung, needing to catch his breath. He tried to pull himself up, but couldn't.
"Twilight knew you were a missing element. You were summoned to this world to help it learn a lesson. And now, I'm going to use you to teach Equestria a lesson it will never forget."
The lights in his hands turned off. The lights ahead and behind him turned off. He fell.
"AAAAAAAAHH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!!" Dan fell. Falling into nothing but inky blackness, the only way he could tell he was falling, or what direction down even was, was feeling of total freefall. There wasn't even any wind rushing past him, yet he tumbled end over end downward, deeper into the darkness. It was terrifying to him.
Yet he still reached, grasped with his hands, tried to slow his descent. Everything he could.
Maybe his efforts were in vain, maybe they were rewarded. Either way, a light appeared somewhere below him. It grew and grew and grew until he saw some kind of platform beneath him. If only he could stop himself from falling so fast.
Screw it. He tried flapping his arms.
The light grew and grew and grew in his vision. His eyes were drawn to it as he fell, not that he had anywhere else to look at that moment. Finally he could make out the similar panels as the floor/wall thing he'd been traveling on, and as it came closer, he realized what it was.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! Aaaaaaaaaahh..." Dan began slowing down as it came closer and closer and closer, still descending towards it. And finally, it opened up, and he realized what it was: the box arena he'd just left.
"Aaaaa... aaaaa... ugh."
"Seems pointless, doesn't it? No matter what, you just keep coming back to square one," Rice said. He held up his hand and slowly levitated Dan down to the ground. Didn't seem much of a point to Dan; if he was so powerful and wanted revenge, why not just snap his neck? Another reason Dan thought he was just an idiot mad scientist and not a genius mad scientist.
"Okay, if we're gonna do this I need like... a sandwich and a cold drink before we fight."
Rice's expression, that of mild, smug amusement, did not change. "I'm afraid-"
"NO- no. You shut up." Dan sat down. "I wanna... I want a turkey sandwich and a Tab before the fight. Or a Gatorade."
"What is 'tab?'"
"Forget I said Tab. I want a Gatorade and a turkey sub. Or roast beef. On Italian bread, spicy mustard, no cheese and grilled peppers and onions." Dan's sandwich preference had evolved since Earth. He now occasionally added a few vegetables to his order, preferably grilled or sauteed onions and peppers when they were an option. Because he was a VIP in Equestria, they usually were available.
Rice folded his arms. "You really want your last meal to be from Arby's?"
"It doesn't have to be Arby's," Dan said. "Sub Marine, preferably but I'll take Earl's." In all honesty, Dan preferred it specifically not to be from Arby's. "Look pal, I am squeeing tired, exhausted, I was bounced around in a box at Mach 15 all the way from Ponyville to here, and that little obstacle course you just put me through didn't help either. I want a sandwich now. And a Gatorade."
For a few moments, Rice considered his request. Then, he shrugged and granted it. A sandwich on a blue ceramic plate appeared, along with a drink with ice in a clear glass, and a chair to sit on.
"Oh, thank shit." He took the chair, plate and drink in a single motion, and took a quick bite of the sandwich.
"I suppose I can grant a last meal. It was more than my son ever got. That plate is-"
"Is this red Gatorade?" Dan sniffed at the contents in the glass. "You bought the fruit punch Gatorade?"
"You said you wanted-"
"NO ONE buys the red Gatorade- that's like, the worst one!" Dan complained. "There's the blue one, the green one, the orange one and purple- hell, they even have WHITE! NOBODY BUYS RED GATORADE."
*Disclaimer: some people buy the red fruit punch-flavored Gatorade. **Disclaimer 2: those people are not known for making good decisions. ***Disclaimer 3: Barro and Rice are two of those people.
"It was available in the mess hall of the base. If you don't want it, don't drink it," Rice said flatly.
Reluctantly, Dan took a sip. He was that thirsty. "Oh gawd, it's like a worse version of Kool-Aid. It tastes like Hawaiian Punch after someone left it out in the sun for an hour."
"Okay," Rice protested, "It's not that bad."
"And then somebody peed in it."
Rice was no longer amused. "I could've poisoned you. I could've POISONED you... why didn't I POISON you?"
Dan looked up, still eating his sandwich. "You might as well have with this red sewage masquerading as a hydrating, electrolyte-replacing sports beverage infused with B vitamins and potassium."
****Disclaimer 4: this story is not endorsed by Gatorade or anything else, but I need money so yeah, it could be if someone wants to sponsor this thing.
"Also, if you wanted to poison me, you could've just put cheese on it," Dan said.
"Ah, but you're not lactose-intolerant any more," Rice countered.
Dan wagged his finger at him. "And the fact you remembered that means you care enough not to poison me." He finished his sandwich and got up. "You want to crush me, make a statement. You want revenge. I just want Chrys. If I have to go through you to get her back, so be it."
"Ha! Hahahaha..." Rice laughed, a laugh that was a mixture of disbelief and amusement of how pathetic Dan was to him. "That mare is a master manipulator. She really is. She used both of us, remember? She only cared about her favorites. She brought you here from another world, me from another time and used us both to steer Equestria the way she wanted it. You've been had, my friend."
Within every word, within every bit of quantifiable smugness, within every part of Rice at that moment, Dan found anger. He found anger once again. Not because of his delivery, which he'd heard before, not because of the arrogance, which he'd seen before, and not because of the taunting, which he'd endured before. There was something new that caused Dan's fists to ball, his blood to boil, every part of his body to shake, fill with, radiate and exude pure rage. And that something new was small, short and simple.
It was the fact that Rice might be right.
"She never loved you."
Dan got up. "GRAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGG!" He grabbed the chair and charged Rice.
Rice raised his hand. "You should've remained seated."
An invisible force grabbed Dan and the chair. Which is what Dan wanted. Magic, even Rice's tech-magic, was like an extension of the user's own senses, control and perception. Like an actual hand, it obeyed the mind of who it was attached to, and exerted the pressure and acted with precision the same way. So there was a brief moment as the magic extended outward, with this particular spell at least, before that precision really took hold. Like the split-second where your sense of touch helps you determine how to grip something, the proper way and amount of pressure to use. Dan probably understood that better than anyone in Equestria.
Dan pulled the chair down as he was being lifted. He put his feet on the seat and jumped off it, escaping Rice's tech spell as it was still being cast. He jumped at Rice, lunging at him in a dive.
Rice raised his other hand, but Dan anticipated this as well. He threw the plate in one direction and it was caught by the the still-forming tech spell. This one, even less-formed than the first one, was pulled by the plate itself and missed Dan entirely. This left Rice open to be hit by Dan's frontal attack with the glass.
"GAAA!" The Red Gatorade hit him right in the eyes followed by the ice cubes pelting him. He instinctively raised his gloved hooves to cover his eyes, even though it had already hit him.
All of these attacks, everything Dan used played into his strategy. Dan was a master tactician, strategist and masterfully resourceful. Every move he made was calculated, carefully-timed and executed flawlessly. This was just how Dan fought, how he had always fought; absolutely nothing held back. His training came from a lifetime of avoiding muggers, fighting on the mean streets of L.A. and several martial arts classes, several montages and a couple ninja training manuals he ordered from the back of a comic. Technically, Chris's comic.
The opening lasted only a split-second, but it was enough. Dan collided with Rice, hitting in the torso with his entire body. They fell to the ground, and Dan followed up the lunge by delivering another attack, a devastating blow, with both of his arms, he took Rice and... and... and he...
He hugged him.
"AAAhh... ahh... ah?"
"You know what this is. Just... just..." Just what? What the hell was Dan saying? What did he mean? He had no idea. He wasn't thinking. Not with his head, anyway, but his heart. And, at some level, he knew that. He also hated that fact, but many people fail to realize that hate and love, while polar opposites come from the same place. Neither really make sense a lot of times, which is why they don't require much thought and yet take up almost all of it. They don't come from the head, but from the heart. Love and hate both come from the heart.
"What the- what the hell are you doing?! Get off!!" Rice tried to push him off. He tried to grab Dan, but he couldn't get a good grip. Dan's grip around his midsection was tight, however, and unyielding. Like a vice.
"Release me! Let... LET GO!"
"No. No, not until this is over. You have to get through this, you understand? We have to get through this. Together."
"Damn you! Damn you..." Rice grabbed his shoulder and squeezed as tightly as he could. He clamped down and tried to tear him off, to no avail. He grabbed Dan's head, tried to grab his neck but Dan wrestled away from him... while still holding onto him.
"GET OFF OF ME!!!!!" Rice slammed his metal fists into Dan's back, but Dan only hugged him tighter. Rice lifted off with his jet boots, but Dan held on.
And this is where it gets rough.
Rice slammed him into the walls of the arena. He grabbed Dan by the sides and bashed the man like a ragdoll into the walls, the ceiling, the floor. He tore off pieces of the paneling and tried to gouge Dan with it, and he knew he must've been doing damage.
Dan clung to him, squeezing tightly. He felt his legs and body rip into the machinery of the cage they were in, destroying the devices behind them. Lights faded from the panels and sparks exploded. Rice grabbed him by the sides and slammed him against the wall at full speed, exploding through it. They tumbled to the floor... but Dan was still holding on.
"You son of a b... bitch! LET. ME. GO!!!"
He grabbed Dan and pulled upward. He flew back into the cage, back into the hallway before, up the tunnel and out, dragging Dan against and partially through the walls. Dan's own body bounced him backward, forcing Rice into the wall a few times.
They exploded out of the tunnel Dan had used to enter the mountain. Rice's boots rocketed them upwards into the dark sky. The flares from the jets burned Dan's own shoes and his lower pantlegs, blackening them, but failing to ignite them. Teeth gritted, Rice turned up the jets higher, attempting to burn Dan off, but he wasn't able to get a good grip. And then, Rice's jets began to fail.
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!" Dan's own scream was muffled by Rice's torso and labcoat. The two fell, back down to the mountain.
They fell into the same tunnel, slid down it, slid across the same hallway and back into the now-destroyed arena.
The dust settled. Rice stood, and somehow, Dan was still clinging to him. Eyes closed, the human was panting. Their breathing was in unison. Rice raised his fist and pounded Dan yet again.
"Stop it... stop it! STOP IT!!"
"N... no..."
"Stop it! Stop, you son of a... you... you son of a..." Rice pounded again. But he was too weak, too exhausted. He could barely breath. Dan could barely breath. Their chests were on fire, hearts pounding.
"Th... th-th-th... throughhhhhh..."
"Son of... son... my son..." Tears streamed down Rice's face. "My boy... my baby boy... he used to hug me... I, I..."
The scientist... the father's knees buckled. His gauntlets fell off his hooves. He fell to the ground, collapsed in a blithering, sobbing pile. Dan was still holding on.
"I'm nothing... I'm nothing, Dan. Nothing without him. Worse than nothing. Look at... look at all of this," Rice said, quivering. His voice was barely above a whisper. "You came here to kill me, Dan- do it. End me. Please... please, I can't take it. I can't take it any more."
"No," Dan said. "No." Finally, Dan released him. He couldn't stand, though. He rolled onto his back, coughed. His tongue tasted like blood and ash. "You can get through... through this, Rice. You can't get back what you lost. Nobody can." He looked over at him. "But you can get new stuff. You can make a... a friend."
Rice looked over at him. "Are you... are you fucking kidding me... right now? I mean, really... oh fuck..., I'm sorry..."
"I didn't... hooo, I didn't mean me. But if it helps, sure. For the record, I... thought some of your inventions, even your... your plans were... kinda neat," Dan said. Their breath was still labored.
Rice nodded. "I did... I do respect your tenacity. If only it went further..."
Dan shrugged. "Hey, day ain't over yet. Oh gawd," he got up, braced his hands on both his legs and said, "the red Gatorade's coming back up."
Watching him puke, Rice got up as well. He did not move to take up his gauntlets or boots again.
"You were able to get a fresh start. Coming here. Maybe that's the reason why you were able to let go of revenge. Get through hatred to something else. Through the pain... perhaps... perhaps, if I went to Earth..."
Dan nodded. "I know some people who might need help. Help from someone like you. You could do some good."
Rice looked away. His stare became long, that of a pony considering a future, a place somewhere far, far away. The end of a long journey. "I guess so." He looked back up at Dan. "She's waiting for you. The Director... and Chrys. They're waiting for you down the opposite way. I deactivated the traps so... it's just a straight shot, now."
"I've got to finish this." Dan got up. And he was holding Rice's gauntlets. He quickly took the scientist by the neck and thrust him to the ground. "And I still have a job to do. You ARE going to face justice. For everything that you did to me... and all of us."
Rice looked away. Dan slammed the gauntlet down.
It caught his mane and stuck to the floor. The fingers jabbed through one of the panels, pinning him.
"What?"
Dan took the other gauntlet and pinned his tail.
"You're under arrest, Rice. By order of the throne of the Kingdom of Equestria, I hereby place you under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right-"
"You're Mirandizing me? Really?"
"You have the right to have an attorney present. If you are unable to afford one, well, I know a guy, and-"
"Will you just shut the hell up and go save the girl?"
Dan thought, then nodded again. "Yeah, you make a good point. Don't try to go anywhere."
Rice stared up at the ceiling for quite a long time. He lay on his back, alone with his feelings. Alone with the sorrow, hate and misery that he for so long had been avoiding. He might as well have been lying in the middle of an ocean, a constantly-moving sea of inky, black despair. Crushed into it, unable to move his own limbs for the weight of it all, pulsing and pushing every muscle.
And yet, he could somehow still breath. His chest rose and fell, even though it felt like he was being constantly crushed. His chest hurt, his heart hurt, he ached and burned, and was still breathing. Still blinking. Such was the case of his depression. His gauntlets were broken, metallic fingers jabbed through the floor, pinning his mane and tail. After what seemed like an eternity, he struggled against them if only to make himself more comfortable.
This was the truth, his punishment and the result of his malicious methods. Finally, too exhausted to think, beaten and helpless, he had to face his emotions. He felt the crushing of his body, mind and spirit. Rice's soul ached, proof that he still had one. And it was something Dan had faced as well. The difference, however, was plain to see: Dan would have gotten up a lot faster. Dan still had something worth fighting for, for he had not alienated all of his friends.
Rice's selfishness meant he would now face his demons alone. Truly, completely, alone. But face them, he did.
Then, the door to the hallway opened again.
"Uhh, hey."
Rice managed to look over at Dan. He stood in the doorway, Rice on the floor, both of them just looked at each other for a long moment, not saying anything. In that moment, Rice didn't care if that moment lasted forever.
"Just wanna say real quick, two things: first, don't try to go anywhere."
"Wasn't planning-"
"Second, you tell anyone that I hugged you and I will... uhh... just don't, okay? I'm too tired to think of a way to threaten you. Spinal... liquidation? See, I need some time for this."
"F-fine, okay. Just, fine," Rice said. "Go get Chrys."
"Right." The human spun around and ran back out again.
When Dan's echoing footsteps died, Rice was left alone in silence again. His mind couldn't help but to think about the confrontation Dan was about to face. What would he do when he learned the truth? What choice would he make? He'd always managed to surprise in the past. It would be interesting, if nothing else, to see what happened. Maybe he and Chrys would start a family. A new family in a new part of Equestria, a chance at a happy life.
"A chance..."
He thought of Ty. Tympanic Tempo, aka General Typhoon had been the closest thing Rice had gotten to a wife. The pegasus triumvir during his tenure as chancellor, the general of the Pegasus Army had an affair with Rice that resulted in their only son, Vice, whom Ty had named before his birth. She had hoped Vice to be a pegasus mare, or at least a pegasus like her so that she might pass the mantle of general of the army to them. When Vice was born as an earth pony stallion, with deformed front legs, General Typhoon became distraught, ashamed and embittered. Mostly at the father of her son.
General Typhoon, or just Ty as she was to Rice, was a very militant pegasus. Like Rice, she would be the last to hold her office. Because of the separation of the three tribes, and the fact that her son did not have wings, she was forced to give him up to Rice to raise him in Ponyville. It was only staunch tradition and her own military pride that prevented her from being a mother to him, however, that and her own shame and disdain. She would be unable to pass the title of general to one of her own blood. In her mind, that made her a failure. Although she was not the smartest mare, she was wise enough to realize her own close-minded nature and ruthlessness to an extent, at least to the extent that she sought Rice out that a child born from them might have his intellect and her military discipline.
It was not a loveless relationship. The two bonded, and might've gotten married if things had been different. But Ty was ashamed of her son and herself, and became cold and bitter as a result. Because of this, possibly, she voted against Rice's locomotive project and conspired to destroy it before it could be completed. The resulting incident led to her own son's death and the presumed death of Rice. Afterward, the unicorn princess Quintessa Quartz forced the pegasi to take sole blame for the death of Rice, the truth of the assassination covered up and the Pegasus Army formally disbanded.
Rice had been a single father before then, only seeing Ty during meetings of the triumvirate. His son was nine when he died. Too young. Even though his front legs had been short, Rice had developed prosthetic hooves so he could walk, even horseshoes. It was always fun going to the shoe store to pick out new shoes. Vice had not been a normal colt, he had been better; his prosthetics came with a variety of customizations. Lights, gadgets, all sorts of things. Given enough time, Rice probably would've added jets.
But what had happened to Ty? Quartz had really been Chrysalis in disguise, one of her early attempts to conquer Equestria, but Discord would seize it shortly after under the guise of the unicorn Discovery. Maybe Ty had gone to Earth. Maybe...
Rice grabbed at his gauntlet with his hooves, the one pinning his mane. The metal was too polished, even damaged to grasp properly from the side and he was too weak to grip it and pull it out.
Despite this, Rice continued trying to free himself.
Dan ran down the corridor. Scuffed, beaten, burned, bruised, he felt like he could completely fall apart at any moment. He didn't know what was keeping him from just collapsing and passing out. He was tired, impossibly tired, aching, in pain, unbelievably in pain. But still he ran. He ran, though he had no energy, he ran though he could barely draw breath, he ran to Chrys. Dan ran.
The corridor was long. It didn't matter to him, he still ran. He didn't stop. It was lit with panels on the walls, ceiling and floor but still dark at the very end. He found why quickly; it opened up into a cave. It felt like he'd been running for miles.
He ran from the tunnel of lights into a cave of darkness. It was almost pitch-dark, but had some illumination in the form of crystals. Gems and sparkling minerals dotted the interior of the cave. Dan recognized it as a mine, the same mine the base had originally been built from. Little did he know that it went far deeper than he could've imagined.
He yelled out, "Chrys!" at the top of his lungs, with what little he could muster while sprinting.
Eventually, the cave grew from a tunnel into, well, a larger tunnel. It opened up as he ran down it. He saw a larger light up ahead, and it grew and grew, and grew until he realized where he was.
And then, he saw her: the Director.
"Hello, Dan."
He stopped in front of her. He looked all around the open room they were in. Somehow, he knew it was going to be THIS room. It could only be here. This is where it had all started... and the only place it could end.
It was the cave directly under Canterlot Castle. The cave where the original Magic Gear KNIGHT had been, where had fought it, and where it had been developed. Where the Sword Spells had been developed, where all Rice and the Director's plans had been made, where it all had been put into motion before Dan had even entered Equestria. And, most importantly of all...
It was where Queen Chrysalis and her changelings had been imprisoned.
And it was where they all were once again.
"You've finally arrived. Took you long enough. Rice give you that much trouble?" The Director was on top of a raised platform of some kind near the back of the room. Steps led up to her, barely visible.
Dan stepped forward. The Director had her cloak pulled. "Not... gimme a minute," he grabbed his knees and gasped. Wiped drool from his mouth onto his arm. "I mean for squeeing squee's sakes, even the censors are too tired. You couldn't have installed one of those walkways or something? I just ran several freaking miles between Prosperity Mountain and here! AND YOU WERE HERE THIS WHOLE FREAKING TIME!!"
She smiled. "I was. In a way, I've never left."
"Oh, don't even start with the cryptic bullshit. Please, I've had enough. We've ALL had enough. What was the point of... the point of dragging me all the way out to that mountain?"
"It was a test, of course. And a way of tying up loose ends. You've done everything I've wanted you to do, more than I could have ever asked, Dan. Thank you."
"FUCK. THE FUCK. OFF, lady. Give me my girlfriend and let me GO HOME."
"She's yours." The room lit up again, slowly, but completely.
Dan looked all around them. The changelings were all trapped in strange capsules. Just like the ones the ponies had been trapped in when they were transported to the moon. Magic was being drained out of them, transferred into a machine. And in the center of the platform was Chrys. Like the other changelings, she was being held in some sort of stasis capsule.
The Director pulled back her cloak. And finally, Dan saw who she truly was.
She was Chrys. And behind her was Chrys.
"Chrys is yours, Dan. You've earned her."
Changeling Matriarch Queen Chrysalis The Faceless One
He turned back and forth between the two. "But... no. No. NO, NO, NO NO NO NO NO NO!! NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! IT CAN'T BE, NOOOOOOOOO!!"
Chrys shrugged. "I'm sorry. This is the way it's been since long before you got here. But you changed it."
Dan walked up to her. "Chrys... why? Why did you go through with all of this?"
"I'm not Chrys," Chrys said. "I am Queen Chrysalis, third queen of the Equestrian Changeling Horde. Created by and in direct opposition to the Fausticorn herself, I have lived for thousands upon thousands of years and seen the destruction of many lands, kingdoms and worlds called Equestria. And..." she turned away, "I regret all of it."
"Wait... wait wait wait, rewind. That part where you said you're NOT Chrys?"
She shook her head. "I'm not Chrys. Even though I wanted to be. Very, very much. I could change everything about myself except my nature. My role as a villain. It was my destiny to destroy Equestria. I got very good at it. I've seen you die so many times it hurts. This time... I wanted this time to be different."
"I don't... wait, no. I get it." And he did. He finally did. "You're both from other dimensions. Other Equestrias."
She shook her head again, sadly. "Just her. I gained enough power from absorbing the magic of previous Equestrias. Draining them all, I gained the ability to see into other universes. But there were things even a universe worth of power could not change. I couldn't undo what I'd done. Not because it was impossible, but because it would only cause more destruction. I couldn't do it alone. I needed others to create a universe where... where we could all be together."
"I know.. kind-of know, what that's like." He looked from her to Chrys. "I was worried for a long time I wasn't... cut-out to be here. Not good enough or... nice enough. But I am here and so are you, and so is she! So just stop all your bullshit, because the world you wanted to create, well, congratulations! You did it. All your lying and scheming paid off. Let me have my Chrys back."
"It's not that simple." She raised her hands. Her withered, knobby-white hands. "Summoning has rules, Dan. The same object... the same person cannot occupy the same space at the same time. The distortions are a result of that. I've tried countless times to unmake and remake myself, bonded with other ponies." She balled her hands into fists. "To no avail."
She was the same as Rice. Both of them were desperately trying to change a world, nearly destroying a world that they loved because of the smallest things. Certain unbreakable rules, laws of nature... Dan had not escaped them by coming to Equestria. There was no escape from them. Not because there was no place where they did not reach, but because of them. Because of hatred. Because of regret. Because revenge is just as much a tie that binds, a shackle as much as the rules and laws and those that rage against them.
You carry what you resent. Dan knew it better than anyone. You carry it with you. As long as you hate something, it will still exist, indestructible. In you.
Dan stepped forward again. "I want to talk to her-"
The Director held her hand out. "She's not ready yet."
"I DON'T-" He was lifted off the floor. He was getting used to it, the feeling of magic plucking him. It wasn't some divine power but just another unseen force in the world. Like the wind or gravity, but magic had the clear feeling that someone was directing it. Heh, directing. Magic had feelings and moods and a temperature, even. You could feel it even if you couldn't use it on your own, Dan found out.
The Director's magic felt cold and hot, light and dark, oppressive and gentle at the same time. So many contradictions. Twilight's magic was careful, calculated but kind. It required a lot of restraint, the same way it took to handling something small, like an insect. The Director's magic was turbulent and tormented, explosive. That level of power both empowered and imprisoned. The world was just full of contradictions.
The thunder of hooves drew both their attention. More lights came streaming down the corridor behind Dan.
"Well it's about damn time!!" Waving his arms against the air, struggling against the magic, Dan was able to turn himself just a bit to see Twilight and the rest of his friends running towards him.
"Dan!!" "Dan!!"
Twilight and Phoenix were at the front of the group, of course. They looked like they'd been through hell and back a half-dozen times, not that Dan could see them very well.
"Right on schedule," the Director said. The moment they entered the chamber, she lifted her other hand and up they went.
"AGH!" "Wooah!"
Instinctively, Phoenix reached for his gun but he dropped it. "Oh, drat." Yeah, he fought a war, straight-up shot a guy but Phoenix Wright still was not one for frequent profanity.
"And where have you all been, hmm? It's not nice to keep us waiting."
"Let go... let go of Chrys!!" Twilight yelled. She struggled against the Director's grip, and then, suddenly her limbs went stiff. All their limbs went stiff, splayed out, helpless as they levitated.
Chrys was unresponsive. Maybe she was asleep, unconscious, in some kind of trance, it was impossible to tell. Her horn glowed like she was using a spell, but she clearly wasn't using it of her own volition. The Director was draining her magic and that of the changelings around them, pooling it for some reason.
There were thousands of capsules, each with a changeling. They all glowed as magic was leeched out of them. Some sort of suspended animation, clearly. They didn't seem to be in pain; some of their wings even buzzed. Perhaps they were dreaming. Maybe that was what the Director wanted for them.
"The changelings... they were here this whole time?!?!" Twilight shouted.
"Hahahaha... oh, Twilight, that's the point of changelings. We hide in plain sight."
"She has a point," Phoenix said. "This is pretty much the last place we would've looked." Twilight and everyone else glared at him. (Okay, not helpful. My bad.)
The capsules exploded with energy. Sparks of white, both light and lightning burst around the room. The air crackled.
"These are all... parts and pieces from the Magic Gear project!" Twilight said. She looked at the Director. "How did it survive the planet breaking apart?"
"It didn't," Cleo said. The Director said. Chrysalis said. "Resetting Equestria reset everything. All I did was use some leftover parts and put the changelings back here. It's all quite simple, but there are things even I can't do alone." She held her hand out at Twilight, and Twilight's back arched painfully, involuntarily.
"Aaa-aahhh!!"
"Not much magic in you, but it will be enough." Twilight's horn glowed, then dimmed, then drained completely. What little magic she had left swirled into the Director's hand and was absorbed. Twilight's body went slack.
"I didn't have enough magic to change Equestria on my own. My own nature and that of my changelings kept me back. No, your precious 'Chrys' is no Queen Chrysalis." The Director turned to her. "She's..." And her voice grew sad. "She's everything Queen Chrysalis cannot be. She was summoned here to be what I could not."
"You summoned your-yourself?" Phoenix asked. "That's not possible. You have to have a link to something from another world."
She turned to him. "I didn't summon her." She pointed at Dan. "He did. The moment he said Chrys instead of Chrysalis."
"But... he wasn't the first to say Chrys," Twilight said, tiredly.
"I DON'T. CARE. ABOUT. ANY. OF. THIS. CRAP," Dan yelled. "I just want MY Chrys back. I don't care if it doesn't make sense, I don't care who she was or what she's supposed to be..." He looked over at her, also suspended in midair, helpless. "I love her."
Chrysalis nodded. "I know. And I'm going to give her to you." The air crackled loudly again. Magic from all the changelings, from Chrys, from the gems and the stones and the air around them, from everything and everywhere pooled. It formed into a massive orb of bluish-white incandescence, pulsing rapidly as it formed until finally, it stopped. The ball lowered to the floor as a puffy, white cloud of energy.
Dan had seen it before. Falling from thousands of feet above the Pacific Ocean, he'd seen it.
"I tried to do this with you, with all of you!" Chrysalis said. "So many ways, I tried to make it so we could be together. I've lived thousands of lifetimes. I've been Celestia, Luna and Twilight Sparkle."
"Even... Spitfire, Soarin and Derpy and... Prince Blueblood?" Rainbow Dash asked. "And if you were me, you better not have ruined my reputation in... whatever universe you're from."
"She's from MULTIPLE universeseses...ses..." Pinkie said. "Which means she's seen MULTIPLE PINKIE PIES! How many times have you been me?"
"Darlin, she's saying she's taken all our places at one time or another... and another," Applejack said. Apparently, she was able to make sense of this. "None of us were probably around."
"Because she... caught us?" Fluttershy asked.
"That would seem to be the case," Rarity said.
"Yeah, caught or worse," Spike added. And there we go, that's the Mane Six and Spike so you know they were there.
"I've seen you all grow and live and die, watched this world die too many times to see it happen again. This is the way it has to be... a second chance for all of us. A real second chance for me."
The Director turned back to the white portal. "Recognize this, Dan? It's the portal that took you here to Equestria. It doesn't lead back to Earth, though, no, it leads to another Equestria. Or rather, the past of this world."
"Time travel?" Dan asked. "But that'll only create a new Equestria! We're operating on multiverse rules, remember? Just like the last samurai guy said to Vice Grip on the moon!"
Without looking at him, she said, "Yes, and you believed that."
"Wh-WHAAAT?!!" More an accusation and exclamation than actual question did Dan yell.
"It's more than possible. It's the only way. For Equestria, for all of us to get a second chance, the old one has to be wiped away. I tried to do that so many ways..."
She was telling the truth. Possibly for the first time. She'd lived all their lives, tried diverting Equestria's path to something, anything except being destroyed by her own magic. The Director, Chrysalis was meant to destroy Equestria. It was her purpose. But, as with parasites, destroying the host means destroying the parasite as well. Chrysalis could change into any pony, but even with the magic absorbed from multiple Equestrias, could not change herself.
So, she found another version of herself that could.
"I was meant to destroy Equestria. And I did. Time and time again. I grew tired of it, grew tired of the silence, the agony, the loneliness. I tried to change things once... but I couldn't. I tried again. And again. And again. And again. And again... and I never could." She paced as she talked. Finally, she cast a longing gaze at Chrys, still held in stasis. With her hands, she touched the glass of the tank. "But she could."
"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HER!!" Dan shouted. "I don't care who... what you are!! I'll... I'll..." He was helpless, hanging in midair. Still, he threatened her. He did what he could.
"I know you will. I didn't expect you to fall in love with her. Of course, I didn't expect a lot of things."
"You tried to make this world into anything except what it was... the Fallout stuff, the Magic Gears, the underground labs, the... everything," Twilight said.
Chrysalis nodded. "I failed to change the course of this Equestria. I failed to make a new Equestria. I failed to get you to leave and find another planet of your own. So this... this is my last resort. You and I will go back to this world before it came to be... and prevent Equestria from ever happening."
"But how the heck would that work?" Pinkie asked. "If she erases Equestria, that means she'll be erased, too! And then she wouldn't be able to go back to erase Equestria because she'd already be erased, so Equestria would-"
"She predates Equestria! And Dan isn't from Equestria," Phoenix exclaimed. "If Equestria is erased, they'd be immune to changes in the timeline!" (I think. Time travel... is really complicated.)
Chrysalis nodded again. She activated a switch on the side of Chrys' tank and the glass lowered. She still hung in place, suspended by magic. The hum in the air grew faster, like the whirring of a great and unseen cosmic engine. Chrys was at the center of it.
"We have been separated for too long. The version of me, the part of me that wanted redemption... that could attain it, it is finally at hand."
"NO! NO!!" Dan shouted. He struggled, he wrenched himself, but the magic binding him was too strong. Even his unique relationship with magic offered him no resistance to multiple overlapping bonds of this magnitude. He slipped through one to be caught by another and still, he struggled. And he was actually inching closer a bit in the process. But he wouldn't make it in time.
Chrysalis turned back to him. "Chrys and I will be one, Dan. Like you. Chaos and harmony, right and wrong, light and darkness, living as one. And we'll be together. I always wanted both, you know. I wanted both... of us to be together." And she reached out to touch the hoof of her other self.
*BAM!!*
But she never would.
*BAM BAM BAM chik chik*
No one saw who fired. All eyes were on Chrysalis. Her hand took the first shot and her back took the second...and the third... and the fourth. She crumpled to the floor, clutching herself, bleeding red and green on the platform... two different and distinct types of blood, not quite human or changeling.
She took all four bullets. It was all Phoenix's gun had left in it.
"Nicky!!" Dan exclaimed. The magic binding Dan faded. As worried he was about Chrys, he had to thank his best friend for having the spine to do what was necessary. "You actually did it! I knew I trusted you with that gun for a reason!"
"Dan..."
Dan turned around. Phoenix, Twilight and all the others still hung in the air. The one who shot the Director was behind them, and he was still holding the gun. And when Dan saw, he could not believe his eyes.
The Director pulled herself up. Out of the shadows, he stepped into the light, and she saw him, for the first time and the last time, truly saw him.
"We have ALL. Fucking had. Enough. Of you," Rice said. The pistol clattered to the ground, empty.
"CHRYS!!" Dan ran to where Chrys was. And he got her down. "Chrys! Chrys, wake up! Wake up, it's Dan! It's us... it's all of us! C'mon..."
"Dan..." her eyes opened. And she smiled at him. "Where have you been?"
The machine exploded with lightning-like energy above them. Bright white lights, streaks of crackling, jagged magic or energy or both, a force that split the fabric of space and time to the core erupted in the darkness. The light it emitted illuminated next to nothing; it was absorbed almost as quickly as it was let out, like the flash of a camera.
Rice ran around the machine to the distortion. The ball of light was still formed, still draining magic from the surrounding area but it was swirling rapidly. Like a storm, it surged.
"It's unstable!" Rice shouted. He turned back to the machine. "I've got to reverse the energy flow!"
"Rice, let's get the hell out of here!!" Dan shouted.
But the answer was clear, clear as day. Rice shook his head. "It'll destroy... everything. I can reverse the energy to minimize the blast. You... you have to get everyone out."
"Bu... but what about..." Chrys was still too weak to ask the whole question.
"Get the hell out of here! NOW! Go!"
Dan had already started getting down the other ponies. Twilight and Phoenix were first, then the others. Rice went to work, trying to fix the machine. Finally, with the last of their friends saved, Dan helped Chrys down the corridor.
"Rice!" he shouted. He looked back at him and said, "...thank you."
"You earned this, Dan. At least one of us did," Rice said. "So don't waste it. Go."
For the first time, Dan actually listened to Rice. Imagine that.
To his part, Rice did not waste his second chance, either. His chance to do something right for Equestria, for ponies and for everyone. For the future. What was the future if not a second chance, an endless ocean on the horizon of the present sea of time, waiting just beyond for us to sail to it? A new tomorrow is a new world and ultimately, we all have a choice at the beginning of each day. How will we build that tomorrow? You can either dwell in the past, or get to work in the present. That's where the future is built, and where second chances come from.
Lights exploded again as Rice worked. Magic bubbled and crackled. The air was like a hot soup, like the broth of a potion, almost. The humidity in the air could be a vector for magic, something few ponies realized. Rice didn't pay attention to any of it; he'd ignored magic for most of his life, focusing on the practical functions of even the supernatural. He wasn't about to stop now.
He reconnected a circuit and flipped the switch down again.
All around him, the stasis pods of the changelings opened. By the dozens, the changelings immediately woke up and flew out, eager to escape the cave. They all flew out and down the corridor.
"Okay, yeah, that's right, don't any of you actually stop to help me. No no, I've got this all, go. Just be safe. Ungrateful little bastards," he grumbled. "Hey, one of you want to change into me and do this so I can escape? You get to be a hero!"
If the changelings heard or understood him, they did not say.
"Yeah, yeah, buzz off. Get out. You all owe me your lives, by the way. I better be remembered in the history books after this!" Rice yelled. For all the good it did; he was alone.
The departure of the changelings meant less magic flowed into the distortion but it was still unstable, still breaking down the world around them. At first, he thought he was making progress, but then he saw a stone levitating.
"Okay, yeah, that's not supposed to happen."
"None of this was." Almost alone; the Director, Chrysalis was still alive, somehow. "But it doesn't have to happen. Come with me. We'll escape this world together!"
"Damn it, lady, why can't you just stay dead?!"
"To be fair, I wasn't sure I was alive to begin with," she said. She lifted him into the air with her magic. For just a brief moment, she turned her hand around to see the blood on it, and smiled. "Now I am." It dripped from her hand down to the ground and stained the floor. It did not evaporate, it did not vanish, it did not disappear before it hit the ground. It remained.
She turned around. "I see... I see now. It makes sense."
"Let me down! Yes, you exist, now let me stop this thing or it'll kill us all!"
But she wasn't listening. "This is where it started for me and her. For all of us. Right here..." she turned around to him again. "We could remake things together. You and I... we could ha-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" Dan charged in. He tackled Chrysalis to the ground and the pair of them tumbled across the platform.
"Dan!"
"I FORGOT THAT I STILL HAVE TO GET REVENGE ON SOMEBODY!!" He pulled her up by her shoulders. "And you'll do!"
"You... you're making a mistake! We could make this place better! We could really change the world for once!" She reached for the portal. "We could have it... both ways."
Dan took her by the neck. "I never wanted it both ways." And he charged the machine. "I wanted it MY way!"
"NO!!"
Dan slammed her into the stasis capsule. She crashed through the glass and the machine exploded.
"I guess it's true what they say. The system is broke," Dan said. With that, the machine exploded again. Large and imposing, it was connected to the other stasis pods and the ceiling. Literally, the machine that had been holding Chrys was connected to Equestria AND the changelings. Now, it was falling apart.
"It's working! The field is reversing!" Rice shouted. Behind him, the distortion swirled rapidly. It was turning into a vortex. Wind whipped around them and tugged at his coat and Dan's shirt.
"Let's get out of here!"
Dan ran around the machine, Rice followed. And Rice was almost halfway around the machine when it finally collapsed.
"Gaah!"
The machine exploded and the roof caved in. Rubble blocked the path, nearly choking the cave.
"Rice!" Again, Dan went back for Rice. He climbed over the debris and had to shield his eyes; the brightness from the magical vortex was nearly blinding.
"Rice, come on!"
Rice had been knocked down. Debris from the machine pinned his boots. He pulled his legs out of them.
"Give me your hand!!"
Dazed but coming to, he reached out. He grabbed Dan's hand, but just as he did, the vortex began pulling them both harder. Dan grabbed his gauntlet with both hands.
"The spell, it's too strong!" Rice shouted. He looked back, and then he looked up at Dan.
"Give me your other hand, come on!!"
He swung the other gauntlet... but it was no use. The pull was already too strong. Even now, Dan was being yanked forward.
"If you stay here, you'll get pulled in, too."
"Don't talk like that!"
"...Good bye, Dan." Rice unlatched his hoof from the gauntlet. And he was pulled in to the vortex.
"NO!!"
Dan reached out and grabbed his hoof. He pulled Rice close to him.
"You stubborn asshole!"
"That's JERK. Just say jerk, it's a lot easier!"
The gauntlet was pulled into the vortex. It vanished.
"We can't escape now! Great going," Rice said.
Dan turned around. "Fine... fine," he said. "Then we do this my way."
"What are you-"
"We go out with a bang!!" Dan took Rice and ran to the vortex. It pulled them both in.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!"
The magical distortion sucked both of them in. The pair vanished, and so did the distortion. Around it, the room collapsed, rocks, machines and all.
Twilight, Chrys and the others galloped outside the mountain. They exited the cave just in time to see the ground near Canterlot Castle collapse again.
"The castle gardens!" Al shouted. "The princesses!"
"Prosperity and Harmony... the mountains were connected this whole time by underground tunnels!" Twilight exclaimed.
"The changelings..." Chrys said, wondering to herself out loud. "Do you think the changelings dug them?"
Twilight shook her head. "I don't know. Can you take care of the rest of the wounded?"
Chrys nodded. "I'm fine, now. Please, go help Dan and... Rice."
Twilight didn't say anything else. She nodded and kicked off the ground, bolting down the mountain side to Canterlot Castle.
Cave Beneath Harmony
Dan and Rice came tumbling out of the vortex. Neither could tell where they were, having been momentarily blinded by the white light of the time distortion spell. It hadn't been quite the same as the cloud that Dan passed through when he was transported to Equestria, but it was similar. The cloud layer had been more natural, seamless. This was more condensed and harsh, tearing the fabric of dimensions. The difference was akin to turning the page of a book versus punching a hole right through it.
To complicate matters, when they tumbled out of the vortex, they found they couldn't breath. Because they were underwater.
Dan felt what little air he had in his lungs be replaced with water. He had to imagine Rice felt the same. They were completely submerged, still tumbling, not knowing which way was up. The current was strong and rushing, and pulled them from the portal, their only light source and further into the darkness.
The flow pulled them. Trying to grab onto anything, to swim, all was useless. They were helpless and drowning. Dan felt darkness pressing in around the corners of his vision as he struggled to hold his breath. With his other hand, he held onto Rice's labcoat, refusing to let go. The light from the portal vanished. For a brief moment, it was as if they were swallowed by liquid darkness, as if the shadows were swirling around them. They might as well have not been wet at all. They were pushed by the cosmic forces now, completely and utterly out of control.
And then, just before Dan felt his last oxygen exhausting, their heads were plunged above water.
"BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" Dan gasped, Rice gasped and coughed, but they were alive. "Oh crap." And heading for a waterfall. "oh crap oh crap oh crap oh CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
The waterfall was not that high, thankfully. It dumped them both into a misty pool below. Dragging Rice by the collar, Dan emerged from the pool to quickly collapse on the ground.
"I... I... hate... today. I hate everything... that has happened... today."
"Me... too... oh..." The two spent several minutes to catch their breath before finally trying to figure out where they were.
"Okay... okay," Dan looked up, looked around, then rubbed the water out of his eyes and looked around again. "Okay, that's better. Uhhh..."
There was sky, definitely. It was painted a light purple, with orange creeping into the edges and a only a couple puffy clouds. They were on a mountain side. But which side of what mountain?
"Rice... get up."
Groaning, Rice got up. He looked around as well. "I recognize this waterfall... and this mountain."
Dan nodded. "Yeah, I had a feeling you would."
Rice pointed with his only remaining gauntlet. "This... this shouldn't be here."
"I know." Dan figured it out a split-second ago. "There shouldn't have been any water in that cave, either. Because..."
"Because we're in the past," Rice said, nodding. "The Canterlot aqueducts haven't been built yet. They water flow won't be diverted until 103 AE."
"Yeah... yeah," Dan said. He felt like sitting down again. "Wait! Is there another entrance to this cave?"
"Well, of course-"
"We gotta find it! We can get back to the portal!"
"It should be up higher! Up the side!"
They ran around the side of the mountain. But they stopped halfway.
"We need to look for... look..."
Around the side of the mountain was a familiar site. Canterlot. Or rather, a town on the site Canterlot where Canterlot would be... at some point.
"That's not Canterlot. That's not..." Both Dan and Rice did alternating double-takes between the waterfall and the village.
"There was a village here before Canterlot?"
And then the answer dawned on Rice. "Only one village. Unicornia."
"Uni-what? Wait-"
Rice ran to the edge of the cliff. He ran past the mist, past the fog, past the haze around the mountains and out before him, he saw it.
Dan ran up right behind him, confused until he saw it, too.
"Equestria." They both said it at the same time.
Cleo had made good on her promise. The portal had indeed transported them to Equestria before Equestria existed. Before Equestria in its modern form existed. After its founding, but before harmony, before even Discord had taken over.
"Dan... "
Dan looked at him. Rice didn't look back, so he was silent.
"Dan, it's... this is my Equestria. This is my time."
"We're in-"
"Equestria."
"Over a thousand years ago."
Dan gazed upon the old Equestria for himself. The golden fields of grain were green and wild, untamed. The Everfree Forest was thicker and stretched far and away towards the southeast. There was a small trail leading to the south of town to a small clearing, what would become Sweet Apple Acres eventually. Ponyville itself was large but not as big as it would be. Many more tents surrounded a few buildings. The town hall was still part of the post office; the modern one wouldn't be built for another couple hundred years.
"I... I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten what it looked like."
"It's... beautiful. It always was. And it always will be," Dan said. For once, he said a schmaltzy, corny line and knew it in his heart, in ever fiber of his being to be completely true. He didn't regret saying it at all, another first. Perhaps it was one of the strongest feelings he'd ever felt.
To behold something so beautiful, so pure, so innocent, sweet and loving... those things were all in the eye of the beholder. As they always would be. But to behold them was to know the feeling of such overwhelming purity that it pushed all else aside. For Dan, it was a place where people were happy, carefree, generally nice to one another, living in harmony. Harmony. He hadn't known he'd sought such a thing until he'd found it, and somehow, Ponyville, Equestria, had it. He'd learned as they all had that it was more complicated than they ever could have realized. But also that it was worth fighting for. Every day.
And then, Dan's eye caught something else.
"Oh! Oh, do you see it?"
"Yes," Dan said, as if seeing it for the first time. In a tiny corner of the town, away from the buildings and off to the side of the road was a single, large tree.
"I can see my... my..."
"My house," Rice said. "My home." He looked over at Dan.
"Our home... my home," Dan said. "It's in the future. Rice, neither of us can stay here."
Slowly, Rice nodded. He looked away, away from the world and his eyes became more distant than ever. "Maybe I should stay here."
Dan put his hand on his shoulder. "I know this is hard, but... I..."
Rice nodded again. "It's okay. C'mon. Before the portal closes." They turned back to climb the mountainside again.
Suddenly, the wind shifted. It began blowing harder, faster over the mountain. The sky began to grow dark. Both of them looked up.
"This... this isn't normal for pegasi in our time," Dan said. Storms in Ponyville in modern times always began in the northwest, near Cloudsdale where the clouds could be inspected. Cloudsdale itself was moved to the one o'clock position and clouds were gathered by pegasi into a storm and then swept across Ponyville and the areas that needed water, usually in a pattern that ensured even distribution of rain. Storms never formed over Canterlot or the mountains so as not to interfere with the unicorns.
The mist disappeared. The fog disappeared, swept away and up into the sky. The pegasi of this time were indeed active and were forming a storm, rapidly. It was unlike the normal build up before storms in more ways than one.
"Do you..." The question was on both of their minds. Rice turned to Dan. How could they know? How could they find out if it was true? If they were right?
A loud and very familiar whistle was carried to them on the wind, a steam whistle. At the same time, their hearts jumped.
"Oh my dear lord."
"She sent us back to the day your son gets killed!"
Dan's bluntness shocked Rice enough to cause his heart to jump a second time, but he was right. He was about to tell Dan off, say something, but the air had momentarily left his lungs. And in that moment, Dan sprinted forward.
"We can stop the train! We can save him, c'mon!!"
"Wh-what?" He felt like he was going to faint. "But... the-the space-time-"
Dan ran over and grabbed his face. "Do not. Do not start that crap."
Rice pulled Dan's hands down, shaking his head. "It'll create a paradox. The future could-"
But Dan shook his head right back. "One of those things is that your SON will be alive. Isn't that worth creating a paradox for? I don't believe you. You were willing to end TWO different universes over your kid getting killed and now that you can save him you're suddenly Doc Brown?"
"Fine! Fine, it's pointless arguing with you anyway! Even if the fate of the universe is on the line!"
Dan grinned and said, "That may be the smartest thing you've ever said!"
Golden Oakes Library Over 1,000 Years Ago Unification Day
Vice couldn't help but smile. "Do you need some help?"
"No, no I've got... hold on," Rice said. "I've almost got it!"
He waited patiently in the living room. He'd gotten used to this a long time ago, but it was always a mystery what would happen next. This must've been what every child of an inventor felt at some time or another, waiting for his father to unveil the latest thing he'd made.
"Alright... alright, I've got it. Are you ready?"
Vice rolled his eyes. "Yes, c'mon now! Let's see it!"
The door to the 'inventing room' swung open. And Rice walked out. Walked, as in on two legs.
"Ahh... ahhh... ah. There we- hang on, let me get the-" he closed the door. "There we go."
"Woww, what are those? And why are you standing up like that?"
Rice beamed, holding his forelegs out for all to see, all of his one-colt audience. "Do you like 'em? Check 'em out!"
Vice grinned. "You've been working on these a while. What are they?"
He nodded, admittedly. "Yep, yep, but now they're ready. I call it the Hoof-Attached Network of Digits System, or HANDS for short."
"What are on your back legs?" Vice asked.
"Ah, this is to help me keep balance like this. They're the uh, Floor-Equilibrium and Elevated Terrain Stabilizer."
"HANDS and FEETS?" Vice asked. "Those sound a bit silly, dad."
"Heh, you may be right. But I need them to help me with the project. Speaking of which," Rice smiled knowingly, that little way he did sometimes. "It's gonna be today."
His son's eyes lit up. "Really? The locomotive is ready?"
He nodded. "Just finished it last night. That's why I had to get the HANDS working. Some of the controls and things need finer manipulation than just hooves can afford."
Vice nodded. "You're also using them to help maintain the engine assembly and work the throttle? That sounds pretty useful."
Rice smiled. His son was a bright pony. Even smarter than he'd been at that age, as it should be. He'd really matured in the past year, on the road to becoming a stallion. He looked at his son, the colt with stunted front legs and knew his future was bright.
He knelt down. "These are nice, you know, but I think you're still my favorite invention."
They hugged, tightly. "I love you too, dad." There was not a combination of words in any language, written, spoken or otherwise that would ever sound sweeter to his ears or more warming to his heart. That was truly one of the things in this world that was impossible.
"So have you packed your things? It's going to be a couple of days before I get back."
The politics of the situation demanded it. Officially, Equestria's first steam-powered locomotive, the train Rice and his team had invented against the urging of the pegasi and unicorn triumvirs, was not scheduled to be unveiled for another few days. The railroads of Equestria were still not completely connected, and the official unveiling listed Appleloosa as the destination. This was all a ruse to obfuscate the true nature of the train.
The rail lines between Mount Harmony and Mount Prosperity, through Hope Valley had been completed in the past week, as had the steam engine. Rice's first trip would be through Hope Valley today, completing a stretch of hundreds of miles. The whole trip would take him a couple of days, with scheduled stops along the way to examine both the land, take samples and check the train. He would be traveling a greater distance in a shorter amount of time than any earth pony before him without the aid of pegasi or unicorns.
"I've been, um... thinking about that, dad."
"Everything all right? You don't want to stay with the Cakes?"
"I-it's not that," he looked down and away, then looked up and into his dad's eyes. "I want to go with you."
Still kneeling, Rice was momentarily at a loss for words. "I... well, I don't know if it'll be completely safe." He couldn't ask anypony else to take the trip with him. He couldn't have been more certain that the train, tracks and that the journey in its entirety was perfectly safe. Even perfectly safe, however, was not safe enough for his son.
"I know. But..." his son looked down, his eyes briefly glancing at his prosthetics as they often did, clicking lightly as he moved them. "I wanna be with you."
"Something could... could happen..."
Vice looked up. "Something could always happen. I'd rather us be together for whatever happens. No matter what."
He felt his eyes well up with tears immediately, quickly and heavily, like a dam rapidly full to bursting. He hugged his son again.
"We go together, then. No matter what." They both packed and set out together.
Together. No matter what.
No matter what.
Pegasopolis At the same time
"General, ma'am! The cloudpacitors have reached fully-charged!"
"Good," General Typhoon said. She did not turn to address her subordinate, Commander Cyclone. "All teams are to hold the current formations."
Pegasopolis was unusually cold today. All of the clouds composing it had become dark and gray. The General's overlook was often gray in color, but today they were especially dark. The friction and static was something pegasi were used to
"A... aye, ma'am," Cyclone said. She did not leave immediately. Commander Cyclone and General Typhoon, Ty and Cy, were sisters. More so than other the other members of the Pegasus Army, they were actually blood sisters. As such, Cyclone was possibly the only one who could have spoken up to Typhoon without fear of harsh reprisal. She knew she needed to speak up now.
Typhoon looked over her shoulder. "Speak."
"General... Ty..."
Typhoon spun around rapidly. "Remove your helmet if you're not going to speak to me as a soldier!"
She did not. "I AM a soldier, Ty! This is... this is wrong! This is dangerous!"
In that brief moment, the senior pegasus, the senior officer's seniority was pierced. "I... I know what I'm doing, Cy! You have your orders now-" She was about to say "you are dismissed." But never got the chance.
"We're supposed to PROTECT The Earth Pony Tribe, Ty! How is this protecting them?"
"We're protecting them from THEMSELVES! Puddinghead is a maverick and-"
"He's your husband!!" Cy shouted.
Typhoon stepped back, stunned. Her sister's mention of unpleasant truth was as striking to her psyche as an axe through her armor. She was taken aback.
"He's the father of your son, Ty. My nephew. You can't do this. We can't do this. Please."
"I..."
Other pegasi swooped in. Any form of aggression wasn't tolerated in the General's overlook, made of clouds composed of vapor from the days of Hurricane herself. Typhoon stood on the spot that the Pegasus Army Flag was planted on. Cy's shouting had drawn the attention of her personal guards, her personal enclave.
"The commander is relieved of duty, effective immediately. Take her to the brig!"
"No! Ty!!"
"Get her out of my sight!"
"Stop this, stop! She's a traitor!! She's-" Her sister continued shouting as the guards removed her.
General Typhoon turned her back to her sister. She would protect her kingdom... she would regain her honor. She WOULD ensure the continuity of the Pegasus Army, of the pony race. She would stop the foolhardy Rice and the earth ponies, planning on expanding into Appleloosa. She would stop a conflict with the Buffalo League, with the Zebras, with the Griffons and all the others before it started. She would fulfill her duty.
And her sister knew, she would get what was coming to her. No matter what.
"I think it's still morning! That means we've got an hour at least!"
"The storm clouds are forming!" Rice pointed at the dark clouds high in the sky. Not Cloudsdale, as Cloudsdale in its modern form wouldn't be built until after today. Pegasopolis was the name of the pegasi home until Princess Celestia and Luna would sit the throne. "We don't have much time either way!"
Today was the day. The day in which the modern Equestria came to be. Before today, the three tribes were still divided, even had ambitions of their own. The train was Rice's ambition. The dreams from Hearth's Warming of a harmony, they were still dreams until today. And it wasn't a simple thing, not even the assassination attempt on Rice that created harmony. That event was simply the final in a long series of straws that finally gave way. It was the last thing that if stopped, could prevent harmony from happening.
The world is what it is because of every part in it, yet some events and figures stand out. Some moments are pivotal, but it still takes them all, pivotal and not, to create what we have today. Rice's train was only one piece of the puzzle; the railway would unite Equestria and Rice's supposed death would be the catalyst for the project moving faster. In his memory, the railway would be completed and considered his legacy, all swept under the rug by Princess Quintessa Quartz.
Dan and Rice slid down the mountainside. But both of them knew it would take them too long to get down that way.
"We need another way down this mountain!" Dan said.
"Dan," Rice pointed at another waterfall. Fed by the same one above them.
"I really HATE your ideas," Dan said.
They took the waterfall down. All the way down. It was painful, it was unsafe, it worked somehow. They got up faster this time, ignoring the pain and the weariness they both felt.
"We don't have enough time to walk to Ponyville!" Rice yelled.
And then, a pony on a hoofcart rolled into view. A brown stallion with a gray mane, and a tiny pink filly with him.
"Did you two take an accidental trip?"
Rice looked at him. Dan stayed silent in that moment.
"Chancellor? Is that you? You're..."
He looked down. "I, uh... I took a bit of a trip down the falls, yes. With this, uh..." There was no use trying to conceal Dan. But maybe he wouldn't have to.
The stallion stepped forward and both Rice and Dan realized who it was.
"Pri-Prime Minister, it's good to see you."
Prime Minister Discovery smiled. "And you, Mr. Chancellor. Who is this with you?"
"I'm... no one important."
"Ah... I see," Discovery said. He turned to Rice. "You have me at a disadvantage, Rice. Screwball and I were just on our way to see your unveiling. But finding you here is... surprising, to say the least."
Dan folded his arms. "Yeah. You might say we've had a bit of a 'chaotic' day."
Both stallions glanced at Dan. Or rather, one stallion and one sly fellow pretending to be a stallion. Dan knew, Rice knew, and "Discovery" knew. In that moment, there were no secrets between any of them. Screwball hid behind her father's legs shyly, but this also was a feint.
"Well now... is there anything we might be able to do to help?"
"We could use your hoofcart," Rice said quickly. "And it probably would be best if you never mention this to anypony... ever."
The Prime Minister gave a bow and stepped aside. "By all means, please."
They took the cart and departed for Ponyville, rapidly.
At the same time, another pair were boarding a different train, heading in the opposite direction.
Vice stowed his things and climbed aboard the engine.
Rice adjusted the last of the steam gauges, ensuring it was properly calibrated.
"That should be just about it... there we are. Are you ready?"
Vice nodded happily. "Ready, dad!"
He put his gauntlet on the throttle, gripping it tightly. "The future starts today. Let's go see it." He released the break and threw the throttle.
The locomotive began moving. Steam released from the stack. From the makeshift barn covering the tracks, the train rolled forth. The Ponyville Train Station would be built on that very spot. A few earth ponies nearby stopped, one was so stunned she ran smack into a cart that had stopped in front of her. The train wasn't meant to be unveiled at that day, at that moment so it was surprising. Most earth ponies knew a little bit about the chancellor's project, but to see it burst onto the scene was like something out of science fiction.
Dozens of earth ponies began to stop and look. Rice and Vice couldn't help but wave at a few of them. They hardly noticed the sky above them getting darker.
"They all look stunned."
"I know. They've never seen one of these before," Rice said. He couldn't stop smiling, he was so overwhelmed by the feelings of pride, joy, anticipation. He felt his heart beating in his chest and knew his son had to be feeling the same way.
He knelt down to Rice. "A year from now, they won't hardly notice this thing. And one day, they'll be looking at you and something you built, something you did. This is just a small taste of what's on the horizon, my boy."
Vice nodded slightly and his eyes drifted. The future was still a bit clouded for him, but he was able to make out what his father was saying. "I love you, dad."
"I love you too, son." They hugged. "The future's looking bright."
High above, however, the storm clouds grew ever darker. The train steamed ahead.
Both of them were exhausted. Beyond exhausted. Having to pump the handlebars constantly to keep it going was not helping either of their aching muscles. Ponyville was rapidly approaching, but now, the storms created by the pegasi were in full-swing. The entire sky was dark, foreboding for what was about to come.
They were both silent except for the pain that any movement caused. Then, Rice said something.
"So why doesn't anyone like the red Gatorade?"
Dan groaned loudly. "You have... we've been through hell. I'VE been through hell today, and among ALL THE THINGS... you could possibly ask about, as we're driving this... this stupid thing to save your stupid son, and you ask... about... Gatorade."
"Well... even now, I'm a scientist. You have to... to understand my curiosity. I'm already fighting part of that nature just... just being here."
Dan looked up at him, gave him a condescending glare and said, "Just shut up and... push. Push the cart."
"You seem to defy logic. You defy everything at times, so, I'm wondering what your... your reasoning is."
Dan sighed heavily. "Okay... okay. You go to the supermarket, right? Gatorade is on sale or something, right?"
"Okay."
"And the sale's been on for... for like, a few days. And it's buy one, get one or something, so you want to pick up a couple eight-packs."
"Right."
Dan nods. "But you got there late, so there's only like one flavor left. Which is it?"
Rice thought for a moment, then reached the only possible conclusion. "The red one."
"Bingo."
"Damn it, how is it your nonsense somehow still makes sense?"
Smiling and shrugging, Dan said, "If it makes you feel any better, hardly anybody listens to it anyway. Or anyone else. That's why stupidity has such a hold. Why society doesn't change when it needs to. We've all been through and seen enough shit... but we keep making the same mistakes because we don't listen to each other enough. We take the easy way... just accept getting by, and the lower the bar is, the less effort is put in and the lower standards get."
His words did resonate with Rice. "I feel the same way. Effort is what makes a difference."
"It's the only thing that ever makes a difference. Doing nothing only does nothing. Possible becomes impossible when you let it. So long as you keep making an effort, anything is possible."
Rice thought about it for a long moment. This was Dan's philosophy, the one that motivated him, the one that was the source of his will, just the fact that he could keep fighting. It didn't always make sense and it didn't need to. It just required him. Maybe both humans and ponies, everyone thought that way at some point in their lives but the pressure of life led to them giving in to realities. The more they gave in, the more they let this and many other beliefs slide, the further they got from reality. And the more unpleasant reality got as a result.
It wasn't just belief that was important, but making an effort. Putting it into practice, at least in some way. Hope, harmony, love, peace, all that was good in the world, and bad, it all required effort. It was the only thing that could ever make a difference. That ever would make a difference.
"So rather than giving into despair, you give in to anger."
"I don't give in to anything," Dan countered. "I just do something more about it than others."
"Always?"
Dan looked Rice in the eye. "Always."
That was the difference between them. Rice gave up a long time ago. Dan never did. Now, Rice saw the error of his ways. Grief had blinded him just as surely as any emotion could, and that had sent him down a destructive and self-destructive path. He had just lost his son, though. Could anyone blame him? Well, when you threaten others with violence, yeah. Dan always exacted revenge with a more-careful plan in mind, which usually kept the violence isolated. Usually. That was the result of the difference: Dan didn't erase, he just wanted to restore the balance.
Isn't that what revenge is about? Not erasing things, but just getting even?
"We're almost there, almost there! Keep pushing!!" Dan shouted.
Thunder rumbled above. They didn't have long now.
They were approaching the final turn. They were going faster than the train normally did coming back from Canterlot.
Rice, looking that way, realized something.
"Dan, Dan, we need to slow down."
"We can't slow down!" And in that second, just after saying the words, he realized it, too. The turn was too sharp.
"We're not gonna make the-" The hoofcart derailed. "Aaaaaahgggh!" And the two were sent flying.
Rice got up first. "No, no, no!" He ran, threw off his gauntlet and galloped to Ponyville.
They were nearing the platform the ceremony was to be held at. A crowd had already gathered. The freight station would be built there in the future, but for now, there was just fanfare.
"It didn't take them long to gather!"
"I know!" Rice said excitedly. "Hey, come here for a second."
"Okay."
He picked up his son and put him on his shoulder. His boy was getting heavy, a proud revelation. He wouldn't be able to pick him up like this, not without some hydraulic help in a few years. It was a feeling only parents could truly feel.
"See the chain up there?"
"Yeah?"
"Pull it!"
Vice reached up and pulled down the chain with his prosthetics. The train let out a loud whistle, so much it startled him at first. But he pulled it again. "Wow!!" His eyes lit up. Even if it was the first time, there was some universal constant to kids loving trains.
"This is the greatest thing you've ever made!!"
Rice shook his head. "Second-greatest, son! You'll always be the first!!"
The sound of the whistle was so loud, it reached Pegasopolis. It reached even General Typhoon's perch. She saw the train, steaming down the tracks. Puffs of some smoky material were coming out of the top of it. Clouds. Clouds of steam.
"Stop this. Stop it, Rice."
The son of a bitch had actually found a way to make clouds come out of a machine. Not billowing, acrid smoke like from a fire or chimney, but soft, white clouds. How long would it be until they no longer needed the pegasi? How long until the earth ponies had wings? How long would it be until their noisy, polluting machines filled the skies and pegasi no longer could fly free? How long-
The whistle blew again.
"Stop. Stop it, damn you, stop it!! You're the only one who can!!" She shouted, but her voice was drowned out by the thunder. Even without it, it would never have reached the distance and still, she yelled. "Stop!!"
She felt her breath come harder. Her heart beat rose to her throat. Another rumble of thunder. The train wasn't slowing down. He kept on coming.
"Stop. Stop!!" She spun around. "Stop it, stop, STOP THIS!!" She flew from the overlook, down to the center of the storms. The pegasi, her pegasi, all around her were jumping, stomping, beating and ramping up the clouds.
"STOP!! STOP THE STORM, STOP IT NOW!!"
"General?!"
She grabbed the master-sergeant and yelled, "Stop the storm!! Stop it now!!"
"Stop the operation! Stop operations!!" He raised the red flag, mirrored by all the other squadron leaders. But it was too late.
Pegasi moved away from the clouds, but the friction was already too great. Like the train, it was too late to stop.
Too late.
A bolt of lightning discharged from the clouds.
The whole world changes in a flash.
Rice, the one running towards the train, was momentarily blinded by the flash. Dan, behind him, was also blinded. Within a split-second later, the train exploded.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Rice's screams were drowned out by the train.
The locomotive exploded in a fireball, followed by the rest of the train. The boiler went, the steam assembly and then the entire engine in a series of explosions. Just as the train reached the platform, it did so in a massive eruption that engulfed the wooden station. Made with hasty construction, the entire thing rapidly became an inferno.
The single passenger car, however, vanished in a flash of light. Nopony in Ponyville saw where it went.
The crowd of earth ponies fled the flames. Smoke and fire consumed the area, set fire to the grass nearby.
"Fire! Fire, call the pegasi! Get the fire department!" "Stay back! Stay back!" "Run!"
Rain began almost immediately, a light patter, not enough to put out the flames.
In an instant, the entire train engine was reduced to charred bits. Nothing remained.
They worked rapidly to reduce the flames, but it didn't work well. The fire was too big and too hot.
Rice fell to his knees. "No... no..."
Dan was shocked. His mouth hung open in disbelief. A fire like that could've torched the entire town. But all he knew in that moment, was that there was nothing he could do. They had failed. He had failed.
"Rice... Rice," he put his hands on his shoulder. The stallion was sobbing. "Rice, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"It was hopeless... it was always hopeless."
It was starting to rain harder now. The earth ponies were joined by pegasi that rapidly worked to put out the flames.
They had to leave. "Rice, we've got to go. We've got to go now."
He didn't say anything. Dan looked up. There was no way they could get back to the mountain without being seen.
"This way, come on. Come on."
He pulled Rice by the shoulders. Together, they hurried to the edge of the Everfree Forest.
They were soaked again by the time they reached the Everfree Forest. They were just entering the forest when suddenly, Rice stopped.
"Dan, I... I can't do this."
Dan turned around. "Okay, not gonna lie... I know you've been through hell. Today has been hell. On both of us. I promise you, me, promising you right now, we'll get you all the help we possibly can once-"
He shook his head a he was talking. "Dan-"
"ONCE we get back to our time." He took him by the shoulders. "I need you to just keep it together. For a little bit longer."
Rice shook his head. He looked almost like a ghost, or worse. Whatever was in him had died all over again and what was left was barely even a shell. Hollower than hollow, faded light.
"Dan... I can't do this any more." He broke his mile-long stare and looked up at Dan with some amount of clarity in his eyes. "I never belonged in this world. Maybe you did. But I..."
Dan took his face, then. "You CAN do this. For at least like... an hour more, however long it takes us to get back to that damn portal, THEN you can have all the nervous breakdowns you want!" That wasn't getting through to him or even making things worse. Rice wasn't moving at all. So Dan changed strategies again.
He sighed and looked back up at Rice. "Maybe you can go to my world. Make a life for yourself there or something. I think we said something about that already."
"We did." Just a few hours and a few centuries ago, or ahead, they did.
"Then you can try that. Or something else. Look, I know this is..." For once, Dan knew exactly what to say. "There's nothing I can say. There's nothing we can do, either of us, to make it right. But you offing yourself over this, that's not going to do anything, either. This will still have happened. You'll still be a part of the world, just not in the breathing sense."
"I thought I could...." Rice looked down. "I thought we could make a difference."
"We still can," Dan said. "You still can. You have, in your own ways. You brought us all together. And yeah, it was pretty fucked up the way you did it, but that's one thing. You built the Magic Gears, too, and they've been fun. And you can keep building new stuff like that. You can still make the world a better place. There's always something to keep going for, something to hold onto, something to do... some kind of hope. Or hope of some kind."
Rice looked into his eyes again.
Dan continued. "I have Chrys. And she has me. I'm a bigwig now with Equestria. We'll... we'll make sure your side of history is told. You can make sure this doesn't happen to anypony else... and it will start with me and Chrys."
"What are you saying?"
Inhaling, and then exhaling, Dan said, "She's pregnant. I'm not entirely sure how changeling pregnancy works, but-"
"Well, actually, human and Equestrian DNA has a lot of fundamental-"
"Don't explain it."
"How are you sure she's pregnant?'
Dan shrugged. "Well, she's been leaving all these magazines and books on parenting lying around... well, not actually parenting books, more like books on beekeeping and ant farming."
"Just leaving books around the house?"
"Yeah, it's... kind-of a thing girlfriends do sometimes. They leave cues and crap like that where you can see them. Love can be a bit retarded and creepy sometimes."
Rice stared blankly at him. "Listening to you makes me want to leave this planet for different reasons than me going through my son's death... for the second time."
Dan nodded. "Yeah, unfortunately, my planet probably won't make you feel better in that category, sure, but the military will probably love your robots."
"I..." Rice didn't know what to say. Talking with another person, even if it was random rambling nonsense, it distracted him from the pain long enough for him to take another step. It wasn't a cure for his problems, but it could lead to one. It could help him find the path to a place where he wouldn't find pain. It was just a little help, a little kindness.
Friendship. Or at least, friendliness.
"I don't want to be here any longer. Let's... let's go home."
Dan smiled. "Great idea, let's do that." They turned around, and that was when they heard something in the bushes in front of them.
Instinctively, Dan spun around. He spread his arms out, intent on protecting Rice. The rustling continued, but moved further away rather than coming close.
"We-"
"SHhhhh," Dan shushed him. He followed the rustling through the underbrush.
And what they found, just a few bushes into the forest, was... Vice.
"Oh my dear god."
"My... Vice! Vice!!" Rice rushed to him. The colt's body lay in the forest, the throttle from the train stuck through him. "My... my boy... my..." He sobbed uncontrollably. "No..." He picked up Vice's body, cradled him.
Dan rushed over to him. "See? He's still dead."
"SHUT UP!!"
"I am NOT GOOD AT THIS SHIT! I'm just saying, we came ALL this FUCKING WAY for FUCKING NOTHING! NOTHING!!" Dan shouted. "So thank you, thank you for ALL you've done, you're probably fucking up history just by standing in it right now, so thank you! Great going! Great job, Vice Grip!"
*gaasssp* And Vice woke up.
"Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god."
"Oh shit," Dan rubbed his head. "This day just isn't going to fucking end, is it?"
"D-d-d..."
"D-don't talk, don't try to speak." Rice felt his heartrate explode. The throttle from the train had pierced his son in the chest, probably punctured his left lung, but he was still alive. Somehow, he was still alive.
"D-Dan. Dan, he's alive, he's still alive," he turned around frantically. He clutched his son to the chest. "I know it hurts, hang on. Just hang on, Vice."
"Dad..." His teeth were gritted. Vice had to be confused, disoriented, but he was alive.
But for how long?"
"Dan, I think... I think it's punctured his lung. Probably some bleeding, but... but I'm not a d... doctor. He needs..."
"He needs a hospital," Dan said.
"Yes!" Rice said. He started out of the clearing. Then stopped. "The... the hospital..."
"The hospital won't be built for another two-hundred years," Dan said. He turned around.
"Damn it... damn it, Dan... Dan, this isn't fair."
Dan sighed. "No, no it's not. That's the one damn thing we agree on, this is not fair."
"I can... I can save him, I just..."
Dan turned around again. And he had Rice's gauntlet. He held it up, ready to snap his fingers. "I know you can. So get your son to a hospital." He stepped towards them.
"No," Rice stopped him. "No, Dan... you take him."
"Bullshit! You're his father."
"But-"
"He belongs with his father." Dan was right. He spoke with such certainty, such assuredness, it was undeniable. "Now hold him tight and hold your breath."
"What?"
Dan grabbed him and snapped the fingers on the gloves. They were gone in a flash.
"Dan!! Da-"
"JUST SHUT UP!!" Dan yelled. Hanging onto the ceiling with one hand and Rice in the other, the three of them were in the cavern again. The water was rushing around them, threatening to carry them if Dan wasn't hanging on.
"Cleo wanted this..." Dan said. "For herself and me. Or you. I understand why now."
"What are you-"
"Will you just shut up, you idiot? You wanted a second chance with your son... you've got it." Dan threw him into the current.
The water carried Rice, clutching his son Vice, to him. They were rushed right into the portal and went through it.
In a burst of white light, the portal vanished completely. They were gone.
The water calmed a bit, but was still surging. The fingers on the gauntlet broke off, and Dan dropped it. The current took it somewhere far, out of sight.
Dan was rushed out with the water again, poured out into the lake on the mountainside.
Soaked, burned, bruised, battered, beaten, exhausted... done. Dan was done.
Nah, he wasn't. He was never done.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Dan shouted at the top of his lungs. He pounded the ground with his fists. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!"
He roared angrily, ripped chunks of dirt and grass, ground them into his fists as tight as he could and screamed in agony,
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!!!"
So loud his voice could be heard throughout Equestria. But at such a distance, it only sounded like the roar of a dragon or some other beast. The pegasi that heard it, the unicorns and earth ponies, none recognized it for what it was.
Dan dropped to his knees and pounded the ground again. "AAAAAAAAAAAHH... You dumb, stupid, son of a bitch dumb bastard!! You asshole... you stupid, fucking, worthless asshole!!" What was he talking about? Was he blaming himself?
Again, nah.
"IF you had just teamed up with me in the FUCKING FIRST PLACE, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE FUCKING HAPPENED YOU WORTHLESS SON OF A BIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!"
Once again, Dan was blaming Rice. And once again, he was completely right to do so; if they had planned to come to back to the past, instead of just getting sucked into a portal like this, they could've prepared for it better. All it would have taken would have been a little cooperation. They could've fixed Rice's gauntlets so they didn't break after one teleportation, they could've brought Twilight or someone who could've stopped things in some other way.
So once again, there was only Rice to blame. But now, Dan was alone to blame him. Completely alone in the past.
He pulled himself together. He went to the edge of the mountain and sat down.
"Stuck in the past... is this some kind of metaphor?" he asked no one in particular.
Cleo had meant for the portal to be for two. Two ways, two passengers, two trips... she wanted both. Finally, Dan understood what the Director truly wanted. She wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. It was her way of saying she wanted it all. She wanted to be happy, she wanted things to be perfect in Equestria... she wanted them all to be together.
But she couldn't have it, not without sacrifice. So she made her choice: she wanted both. She would have it all, and give it up. One of the only ways one ever knew they had it all was when they lost it. She paid the price for all of them.
Now, Dan was paying his price. The price for his second chance. A chance for a chance, a future for a future.
At last, he had gotten even. And at the end, on the edge of a cliff, he knew he wanted nothing of the sort.
Twilight made sure all the wounded were tended to. The hospital was packed with every nurse and doctor working, many ponies volunteering. They were managing as best they could with what they had. It wasn't easy, but they were treating all that they could. Tents had been set up outside hastily, and more were still being put up. Cots were being brought in. Canterlot General Hospital looked the same. It was inspiring to see how quickly the towns reacted considering this was the first army that had returned home in a while.
But what of the enemy? The shadowy forces had retreated into the shadows. Would they grow again? Were they hiding even now in plain sight, amidst the wounded?
No... no, she could feel it. For once, they had won a victory. The only ponies around here were friends. And it wasn't the sophisticated security systems Dan and Vinyl had set up, it wasn't the protocols and procedures they had enacted, it was a gut feeling. For once, it was right, and Twilight knew it. She felt it in every genuine smile, every kind word, every bandage, every pat on the back. There were only friends here.
They had made an impression. As Dan had intended. The show of force had been a message. Equestria was united now, and that was something that couldn't be faked. Whatever evils they faced now, they would do so together. There would be no more infiltrators.
The Equestrian Shadow War, the War for the Future had ended. The shadows, the unknown, they still existed in Equestria. But now, they were no place to hide.
She walked around, checking on everyone she could. Including some that were a little less injured than others.
"Ohhhh... ohhhh-uggggh," Pinkie moaned. "There were too many... there were just too many..."
"Relax there, now. You did your best."
"Stomach ache?"
AJ nodded.
"Well, we can't say that was unexpected."
"There were too many... too many leftovers, auuugggh..." Pinkie moaned.
"You know, you don't have to stay here. The doctors said you can... 'recover' at home," Rarity said.
"Yeeeeah, sorry Pinkie, but we're gonna need the cot for other ponies," Rainbow added.
Spike put his little claws on his hips. "No one told her she had to eat all the leftover rations anyway."
"And did you think that would stop her?"
"Nooo! No, no-aaaaaaaaauuuugh, oh gawd, ohhhh, the pain..."
Valiantly, Pinkie Pie had eaten much of the leftover cakes, pies and sweets that were part of the war effort. The confectionary giant(in more ways than one and several hundred tons) Tangy Top had spared no expense to supply the royalists during the assault. Pinkie, because of her passion for all things sweet, made sure that the effort was not wasted, and now sported an aching, distended stomach because of it. She was a both a courageous warrior and a courageous eater, and her waistline would likely show for it for at least a couple weeks.
Spike and Twilight both watched as Rainbow Dash and Applejack carried their friend out of the triage tent.
"It's true what they say," Spike said. "War is hell."
And that's when they saw Fluttershy with Phoenix.
"Fluttershy? What are you doing here?"
"Little rough, Spike."
"What? I mean, I would've expected her to be with the animals."
Fluttershy nodded. "I am with them. They're volunteering."
"Really?" Twilight asked. "Even Barry?"
Again, Fluttershy nodded. "He's a registered nurse's aide and the Commander is on a work-study program."
"Oh, that's cool," Spike and Twilight agreed. And then they thought of something. "Wait, isn't the Commander a spitting cobra?"
"EEEEEEK- OH MAI GAWDD!" "SNAAAAAKE! SNAAAAAKE!"
"That doesn't sound good." Twilight, Spike and AJ galloped out of the tent to the hospital.
"Don't worry! Um, he's just studying for his AA degree!" Fluttershy called out as she chased after them.
A few hours later, things settled down at the hospital. The gang went home, and oddly enough, Phoenix Wright was one of the last visitors to leave. He had business to attend to.
"I haven't had a chance to examine all of the patients, Mr. Wright. You're putting me in a bit of an awkward situation and even if we weren't so hard-pressed, I'm not in the habit of making guesstimates."
"And I'm certainly not in the habit of asking for them," Phoenix said. (Pretty much ever. But I don't have much of a choice right now.) "So I need to know when we can move these patients and I need to know soon."
Doctor Whitesage was a unicorn, and was one of the best doctors in Equestria. He was usually a traveling doctor, but had been called to Ponyville to help out after the battle and had crossed the entire continent to do so. He had a long, dark green mane and white-pink body, which many mares found attractive, hence the traveling.
The doctor sighed. "If the question is when we can recommend it, the answer is not for a few weeks, earliest. If the question is when it's possible..." He raised his hoof to his chin, almost biting his shoe.
Phoenix looked over to him, encouraging the answer.
"I'm going to need at least a week to move all the patients."
Phoenix nodded. "You'll probably have longer than that. I don't want you to rush anything, but get as much as you can prepared to leave. Medical supplies, staff, personal belongings..." Phoenix thought back to what Dan had said. "Everything that isn't nailed down."
"Everything?"
"Yes. After that, we'll need everything that is nailed down. And we'll send someone back for the nails."
Whitesage shook his head in disbelief. "That's absurd. We can't afford to-"
"It's an order, doctor. We can't afford not to." Phoenix said, turning. "Get everyone and everything you can ready to move. We're facing an invasion very soon and we'll need everything we can carry. I wish there was another way." He could see in the stallion's expression how hard it was for him. He was asking for much.
"I'll... I'll get started now. We could use some help from the royal guards."
"You'll have it," Phoenix nodded. "What is Kent's condition?"
"The-well, I'm not an expert on human anatomy, but he seems quite resilient. He's in ICU, but stable. It's still too early to be certain."
That was definitely understandable. Kent had been stabbed through the stomach. Even with his armor, Arteem's lightsaber had gone right through him. He was lucky to be alive. His injuries were among the worst and he'd likely be recovering for a long time.
"We'll be moving him to the Danfiant as soon as we're able. We'll give you all the time we can."
"I understand," the doctor replied. "Good luck. For all our sakes."
"Thank you."
It was the truth. Equestria could now stand on its own. United, it was much stronger than before; more of a threat, more of a tempting prize. The Director had sought to protect them from such invasion, but instead she had prepared them. Perhaps there was some good in her actions... then again, she probably could've saved a lot of time, effort and energy if she had just came to them in the first place.
The Director's greatest weakness was not how she differed from Chrys, but what Chrys and Chrysalis had in common. Both did not feel they deserved redemption, felt they would be rejected before they were. The judgment they had to overcome most was their own- one did and one did not. One believed things were set in stone... and tried to break the stone to prove it. The other dared to carve out something different and did.
Phoenix made his way home. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was beginning to set. Celestia had kept the sun in position for a while to help look for Dan, and picked up the pace somewhere after the time they finished in the hospital. There had been no sign of Dan.
He opened the door to the library. "Any news?" They all knew what he was asking about.
"Nothing yet," Spike said.
Phoenix gave a slot nod and pursed his lips. (There's not really anything I can say to help right now. Just have to try to relax.)
Twilight was asleep on the couch. She had collapsed almost immediately after getting home. Like Dan had his first time there. During the battle, she had over-exerted herself and afterward, went beyond to help get treatment for the injured and airlift them back to the hospitals. She hadn't even eaten anything since before the fighting.
"Let's hope they're back soon," Phoenix said.
"Yeah," Spike said. He didn't sound as hopeful as he could have, but hope remained.
"Uhhhnn... are they back yet?" Twilight asked, rousing.
"Not yet," Phoenix said. "You should get some more rest." (She's not the only one.)
"I'm fine," Twilight said, pulling herself up. "We should be out there." She moved to the door.
Instead of trying to stop her, trying to caution her, Phoenix did the opposite. He opened the door for all of them.
"We can probably get Rainbow and Springer to take us back."
"Right. We won't stop until-"
"Hello there!" Someone waved at them from up the street. There were two of them.
"Is that-" That was all Twilight said before she knew who they were. They all knew.
Dan sat on the edge of the cliff, the sound of the waterfalls drowning out all else. He stared down at Ponyville. The pegasi moved rapidly to clear the skies after the fires were put out. If everypony thought he was a dragon, maybe he could live out the rest of his days in the caves. The water was fresh and clean. Food would be difficult, but maybe he could hunt or fish somewhere. Something. Eek out some kind of existence a thousand years before civilization, at least the modern civilization he knew.
He sighed. Ponyville wouldn't be developed for another three-hundred years at least. No restaurants or cafes, no movie theaters, no arcade or bowling alley, the electronics and even Pone Depot wouldn't be built until he arrived in Equestria. The first time, that is. Still, there was something relaxing, peaceful about looking out at the small town.
His eyes fixed on the Golden Oakes Library.
He sighed again. "Ahhh... home." After all it had been through, the library still looked the same. Still was basically the same. Of course, trees could last for hundreds of years, as could some alicorns. Even with Equestria's magic, Dan felt he wouldn't last that long through the course of history. Not without altering it, which he knew he couldn't do.
"Alright, so... Discord will probably be taking over pretty soon. Guess I could watch that. And then, King Sombra in the-" He stopped. Immediately, he sprung to his feet. "The Crystal Empire!"
That's right, the Crystal Empire was still here at this time. It wouldn't vanish for another...
"Oh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh craaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!" The Crystal Empire was going to vanish that very day.
Frantically, he looked around. "Uhhh! Uhhh! Uhhh!" What was the quickest off the mountain? "Oh, screw it." He jumped down the waterfall again.
"AAAAA-I JUST DID THIS TWENTY-THREE MINUTES AGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
He got out of the water even faster this time. Then, he ran. Then, he stopped and caught his breath for a few minutes. Then, he broke into a sprint and kept running again. He followed the train tracks all the way to Ponyville, or the bend just before Ponyville.
"Ah-HA!" The hoofcart was still there. But no, it was too risky to reattach it to the rails this close to town. Also, there was still the charred wreckage of the train and platform still ahead of him. No, he had one option: pull the thing-
"ALL THE WAY THROUGH... errrggh, the-THE EVERFREE F-FOREST!!" Dan shouted angrily. He yanked and pulled the hoofcart through the underbrush. He heard rustling in the bushes but didn't stop to check it out. Until he nearly hit something... well, specifically, someone. Somepony.
"Oh gawd."
Rice, the past version that had just been blown out of the train, lay unconscious in front of him. Like his son, his body must've been blasted from the wreckage and flung here. Unlike Vice, Rice appeared to be unscathed, more or less. His gauntlets and boots were still attached, even.
Carefully, he tried to pull the hoofcart around Rice's prone form. Then, hit a bit of a snag: a treeroot blocked his path.
"Aw, for *squee*'s sakes!"
He tried to push the cart, tried to find another route, nothing doing. The cart was too heavy and too big and the trees and bushes were just too thick. He could've sworn a few of them even sported the mugs of the Three Stooges on their bark. Must've just been his imagination. Either way, wasn't helpful at that moment.
"Hmmm," Dan looked at Rice. "If I touch him... will this end the space-time continuum?" He shrugged. "Only one way to find out." He grabbed Rice by the shoulders and picked him up.
First, he tried to prop him against a tree. But he slumped over again.
"Nobody's gonna find him like that."
Second, Dan tried to drape his body over a tree branch. "Nah... nah, that just looks like you're sleeping."
After several repeated attempts, Dan came to a decision. "Alright, screw this. I didn't come back in time to play Weekend at Bernie's."
He pushed the hoofcart through the forest with Rice still unconscious on top of it. Eventually, after dragging it several yards from the forest, he was able to re-rail the cart.
"Haaa... hooo, maybe... maybe there's still time to... to open a savings account... so I can be rich from the interest in the future. Oh wait," he remembered, "the @$%*ing banks haven't been *honk*ing built yet. Great."
He mounted the cart again and began pushing the handlebar. Across the cart, Rice was splayed out and still out cold. Slowly, the cart picked up speed and he made his way out of Ponyville.
The Crystal Empire was, unfortunately, far away. The train tracks wrapped around the outskirts of Ponyville and Sweet Apple Acres, and a young Granny Smith happened to spy Dan but didn't think much of it.
"Ah, dammit." Dan stopped the cart. Yet another delay and the time was running out. The tracks were currently leading up straight north to Manehattan, which technically didn't exist yet. He got out and switched the tracks manually.
Pumping faster. He had to push faster, had to keep going, had to go faster AND keep going. His muscles ached, his lungs burned, his lips were chapped but he had to keep going. He couldn't stop. The tracks carried him west, across the Golden Plains and into the forests of the northwest passage. The Everclear River led straight to the Western Easy Sea on the west coast of the continent, and north from that was the Crystal Empire in what would have been Alaska on Earth.
"I'm coming home. I'm coming home, Twilight. Chrys... Nicky..." Every breath, every push, every pump up and down, every beat of his heart, he thought of his friends. He thought of the Golden Oakes Library. He thought of home. "I'm coming, guys. I'm coming home."
As he neared the Crystal Empire, Dan noticed an abrupt change in landscape he hadn't expected. Mines and quarries. There were several of them, massive quarries that stretched all the way to the bases of the mountains in the distance. In his time, the ride to the Crystal Empire was through green fields, a couple forests and tunnels but no valleys. Certainly not mining complexes.
Yet, that is what he saw- mines. There was an extensive mining operation going on. Wooden shacks were set up and more railways, the kind meant to move ore were set up. He didn't stop to ponder and the answer came to him as he worked. It was the Crystal Empire. Yes, these were some of the mines the Crystal Empire had set up in order to maintain its supply of namesake crystals. He still didn't know the entire history of the Crystal Empire, and few ponies did, but obviously all those gems had to come from somewhere.
The mining quarries were extensive. The operations must've gone on for years, a couple generations at least. But there were no mines here in Dan's time, no evidence of any mining at all. Had it all been covered up, like the attempt on Rice's life?
Finally, Dan reached the edge of the Crystal Empire. Rice had stirred a bit, and had apparently gone from knocked out to asleep.
Scratch that, he was waking up.
"Uhhh...uhh..."
"Oh shit."
They had just crossed into the Crystal Empire's territory. There was nothing he could do.
"Uhh! Uhhh!" Dan looked around frantically. Then, he made the decision. "Sorry!" He dumped Rice off the hoofcart and sped away as fast he could.
Rice's semi-conscious body tumbled and came to a stop somewhere in the grass. He would later be found by a group of dogs who had been living in an abandoned mine.
Crystal Empire
The rails ran right into the Crystal Empire, but not to a train station. They connected to a huge factory-like building. Having made it into Crystal territory, Dan felt he could finally relax. The entire Empire was minutes away from vanishing and he would go along with it. He'd still have to evade detection for a couple years in the future, but that was doable. He could get a job with the griffons or something until the day he vanished, then show up like he'd only been back a day. It might even be fun.
Dan looked around. There were no Crystal Ponies he could see. In fact, it wasn't too different from when he first visited the Crystal Empire, except it wasn't from the air. The place seemed deserted.
But he didn't have to travel far to find out why.
"The time hasssssssssssssssss come! The Empire shall take its placccccccccccccce in the sssun at lastss!"
The hissing was unmistakable. It was King Sombra. Dan was almost happy to see the tyrant taking over.
A crowd of Crystal Ponies was assembled around the base of the Crystal Palace. In front of it, on a platform made of rock was King Sombra. He was slightly raised but stood behind no podium. He spoke to his subjects, now slaves, with nothing between them and him.
Dan began wading through the crowd. "Excuse me. Excuse me, pardon me. Sorry. Hey, stuff's gonna get better, don't you worry! Gonna... gonna be a while, but hey, you won't even notice it! Sorry, coming through! MOVE!"
"My power issssssssss unmatched and s-s-soon, Equesssstria shall bow before me"
Dan found a nice spot to watch the speech. It was like having a front row seat to history. And, when Dan had the front row to anything, there was something he found hard to resist.
King Sombra raised his shadowy hooves. "Thisssss world isssss mine, the gemsssss are mine and all of you are all MINE!!"
Dan cupped his hands. "GAAAAAAAAYYY!" he shouted.
"I... what?" Sombra stopped.
"Gay!"
"Who issssssssss saying that?"
"Over here!"
Sombra transformed into his floating head and rushed to Dan's position. "Who... or what are you?"
"Hey Sammy. Look, you don't know me, but I know a few things about you. Like that uh, you fancy the fellow fellas, if you catch my drift."
The Crystal Ponies were mostly dirty, scuffed, worn-down and downtrodden. Their enslavement had just begun a few weeks ago; King Sombra's reign was a short one. So at least one thing was about to be deferred for all the right reasons. But even as their exhausted and beaten bodies stood there, forced to listen to Sombra, they now were listening to the perplexing biped who was shouting at him. And they were beginning to whisper among themselves.
"I... what are you talking about?" Sombra reverted to pony form. And he seemed a bit defensive.
Dan folded his arms. "Oh, it's not a big deal. Well, not to me, anyway. I mean, this is the past, isn't it? You might actually be the first gay ruler Equestria's ever had. Also the first shadowy evil ruler, so a lot of firsts are happening."
"I-no, thissss iss not a firssst anything. I rule by might and I... I... I am not a gay, asss you claim."
"Assss I claim, well, sorry if you're ssssstill in the clossssssssssssset but look on the bright side," Dan said, mocking him. "Now, you don't need to worry about all the media buzz with folks later on, finding out the Empire will have two princes at some point."
"I-what? What are you even-" Sombra stepped back. The Crystal Ponies were already starting to gossip.
"The king's gay!" "So should we call him Queen Sombra?" "I'm gonna call him Queen Douchebag." "Look, I'm fine with gay ponies, just as long as they don't shove that crap down my throat." "Shelton, you ARE gay." "I know! And I don't want him shoving his gayness down my throat!" "Why the hell not?" "It reminds me I don't have a boyfriend..." "Shelton, he's evil." "Yeah, but is he single?"
"Actually, I have proof," Dan said. And pulled out his wallet. "Wedding photos!" He held them up for the Crystal Ponies around him. "See, this is your boy right here and THIS is husband, captain orange dude. His name's, uh... Flash Gordon. Wait, no, that's wrong. It's Flash something, I know that."
"I... I..." Sombra felt the eyes on him. Mares and stallions alike giggled, his own slaves laughed at him. And he didn't even really know what they were even laughing or talking about for sure. It was just his own insecurities gnawing at him. They gnawed quite hard. His own slaves mocking him, making fun of HIM for the kind of romantic company he fancied.
But really, even the few mocking him were doing so because he was evil. If he wasn't such a tyrannical asshat, enslaving them all to dig gyms out of the literal dirt, they wouldn't have made fun of him for anything. When somebody is being that big of a douche, you take whatever you shot you can.
"I am not gay!! Gaynessssss iss... is illegal! I forbid it in thissss land!"
"...You realize how badly you're *squee*ing yourself right now, right?"
"ENOUGH!!" Sombra roared. "I am your KING! You WILL ssshow me the resssssppect I dessssserrrve!" Thunder clapped around him. A dark cloud of pure, shadowy evil brewed above him and tendrils of darkness lanced outward, piercing the light. The Crystal Ponies recoiled in fear.
But Dan didn't. "Pfffft," he scoffed. "Whatever, queermo."
Sombra blasted Dan.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....... you're still gay and your wedding suuuuccked...!"
Sombra quickly recomposed himself. He still had his shadows summoned. "You will all forget, forget everything that hasss happened to you today... everything before I wassssssss in charge! Assss of thissss moment, I am now your sole ruler, your king! You are all my crysssstal sssslavesss from thisss moment onward!"
"Well," one crystal pony behind him asked. "May I ask one question?"
The shadow pony slowly turned. He saw Reginald.
"What isssss it?"
From behind his back, Reginald revealed he was holding the Crystal Heart. "Are we invited to the wedding?"
King Sombra lunged at him. Reginald threw the Crystal Heart against the ground, shattering it. Only he and Sombra would ever remember it even happened.
The blast that sent Dan flying had been more of just to shut him up and get him out than do any real harm. As such, Dan landed just past the border of the Crystal Empire relatively unscathed. After all he'd been through that day, a blast of insecure magic didn't even scratch him.
"Haaa... haaa, I am SO going to get him back for that in a thousand years," Dan said. He stood up, brushed himself off and noticed a sign by the railroad tracks.
Now Entering The Crystal Empire No Solicitation
"Oh crap."
He burst into a sprint. "No no no no no no NOOOO!!"
A bright flash of light emanated from the center of the Empire. Dan was blinded for just a moment, and when he looked again, it was gone. It was all gone.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO NOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAGGH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWGGGAADAMALLLLGGAARRRAAA!!!"
Dan roared an incomprehensible series of noises, grows, screams, wails, moans, groans and other such odd sounds. He writhed on the ground, tossing and turning on the grass in pain. Torment. Anguish.
"It was there... it was right there, I'd made it! I MADE IT!!! NO, NO IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"
With the Crystal Empire gone, his window to the future had closed. It would be a thousand years before the Crystal Empire would return. A thousand years before the Equestria he knew came to be... and he would not be around to see it.
A thousand years before he would see Chrys. His Chrys, anyway. Queen Chrysalis was still in this time, currently disguised as Princess Quartz. In hindsight, not the most clever disguise but it worked. The Chrys he knew had been summoned from another version of Equestria, another world.
Dan was distraught. Storms, wild storms, formed over the spot where the Crystal Empire had been and it began to rain. Dan didn't care. He lay on the ground, curled up in a ball as the rain poured down on him. He felt completely and utterly hopeless.
What would his friends think? Would they find his bones in a thousand years? When pony archaeologists and paleontologists like Daring Do dig him up as a fossil, display him in a museum? Maybe Tuxley's museum?
His lowest point. He wasn't just miles away from home, he was generations away. Not just another place but another time. The distance between them was too great, even for him. Even if he wrecked the world, destroyed the timeline, it would not get him home.
He might as well have never been on that plane.
He thought of his friends again. Chrys, Twilight, Spike, Nicky, Fluffle... he longed to see them again. What WOULD they think of him? Laying on the dirt in the middle of the rain... no. This wasn't him. This was very much NOT him. He had to get home. There had to be some way.
He began a long walk back to Ponyville. At the mining quarries, he slept in one of the abandoned shacks, ate some jarred food he'd found, stuff leftover from the mining operation. And in the morning, he found a minecart and set out for Ponyville.
Some way, somehow, he was going home.
Ponyville After Unification
He snuck his way into Ponyville in the middle of the day. A delegation from the unicorns and another one from the pegasi were in town. This was the beginning of the official talks of a unified Equestria, an ending to the division of the three tribes and a beginning to the Kingdom of Equestria. Even now, Princess Quartz was using her power to establish her sole rule of the kingdom by unicorns- her rule.
Dan arrived at a very specific time indeed.
The doors to the conference hall burst open. Typhoon walked through, flanked by her guards.
"Stop."
Typhoon stopped. She turned about, ever the soldier and saluted.
"No, no, no," Quartz waved her hoof. "There's no need for that any more, Ty."
"You've stripped me of my rank... your highness. What more can you do?"
An aura of magic gripped her helmet and lifted it off her head. It lifted the helmets off the pegasus guards as well. Their pauldrons were removed by magic, and their weapons.
"I can do quite a bit."
Ty stepped back, completely shocked. She felt almost naked without her armor. The earth ponies stared at her, matching looks of shock on their own faces.
"As of this day, the Pegasus Army is officially disbanded."
"WHAT?!" Ty shouted. "You can't do this! The Army is-"
"Disbanded," Quartz said sternly. "The pegasi will report to the princess now. Your job will be to clean up the skies, maintain the weather with more vigilance so that this... incident never happens again."
"I-" Ty stopped, teeth gritted, wings raised. She couldn't do anything. She had accepted the blame for killing the chancellor, for causing the accident. If she revealed the truth, she'd sound crazy. Quartz had an alibi, even though she conspired with Typhoon and it had been her plan to destroy the train. They hadn't been trying to kill him... but it had happened anyway. Because of them. Because of her.
"You warmongers killed the chancellor!" "Justice for Rice! Justice for the earth pony tribe!"
"My ponies, the Pegasus Army bears the blame. We do not need to add to their dishonor. They may still serve Equestria and the harmony between us can continue."
Typhoon bowed her head. The other pegasi followed suit. "We will... continue to serve. In whatever capacity is required of us. It is our honor... as pegasi."
Quartz nodded. The mare was a very regal and even quartz-colored mare. She wore royal garb, a purple cape with a white furred collar, the kind of plumage that made a statement about one's status. Only the elite of the elite bothered with such overt pomp, but it was useful in communicating status to one's peers at that level. Her mane was just a shade darker than the rest of her, and was striped with gems, as was her tail. Finally, she wore shoes made entirely out of jewels, earrings and gem-studded glasses and a necklace, all of which bore a similar color to her body and eyes. It made her look very much like a Crystal Pony, even if she wasn't.
"You may start by clearing what's left of the skies. After that, we'll have further instruction for you. Dismissed."
The pegasi, heads hung low, turned and walked away. They took to the skies, heads still hanging low. They had suffered a great dishonor today, and it was at least partly self-inflicted. Their loyalty, their faith, their duty remained, but they had been blinded by rigidity and inflexibility. They had gripped the reins too tightly and now, watched them slip into someone else's grip entirely.
Dan watched it all unfold. He was tempted to speak his mind, as always, and would have if he hadn't been blasted out of the Crystal Empire yesterday. Dan was not the kind of person to learn from his mistakes that easily, but even he wasn't going to repeat the same one so quickly. Not when so much was riding on the line. The library being nearby... so close and yet so far away, reminded him to hold his tongue.
The crowd dispersed. The unicorns returned to the conference hall. Dan waited until everypony was completely gone to make his move. He went to the library.
Golden Oakes Library The past
The door was locked, so Dan broke in. Not exactly a hard task. Thankfully, the security system hadn't been installed yet.
Alright, he was inside. He had to leave Twilight a message. The library still existed- he had to carve a message somewhere, somewhere she wouldn't see it right away, but WOULD see it in the future after the battle. He looked around and... realized another problem.
"Aw, fuck me." The library hadn't been remodeled yet. Even the crawlspace would be remodeled to fit the WOPR and other equipment, so the Dennis Quaid trick in Frequency was a bust. Or was it? They'd remodeled everything from the kitchen to the upstairs, the downstairs, the basement, the walls, floors, doors... but not the ceiling! Yes, Fluffle Puff was always on the ceiling! She could see it and get a note to Twilight!
Dan grabbed a got a ladder from the bookshelves and propped it up in the foyer. He climbed, then went back down and grabbed one of Rice's spare gauntlets from his workbench, and climbed back up again. He started carving a message. Something simple, something easy to understand.
"S-U-M-M-M-O-N... D-A-N... B-A-C-K..."
The door to the library opened.
"GAAAHH!"
Dan fell off the ladder.
"Vice? Is that you?"
He scrambled out of the foyer and bolted out of the backdoor. Hopefully, no one saw him.
Screw subtlety, he ran. Ran out the door. The library wasn't an option any longer. Damn it, damn it, damn it. He wasn't able to complete the message!
"Hey! Who's there?!"
Somepony saw him. He didn't look back, he ran. Ran all the way to the Everfree Forest. He couldn't be seen, he couldn't let his influence upset the timeline... couldn't risk it. Was there even a timeline any more? He didn't care. He just wanted to go home, back to the Equestria he knew. Back to his friends.
They were still searching for him. He went deeper into the forest. Deeper. He was familiar enough with the forest that he knew what bushes to duck through and which ones to avoid. Eventually, the voices stopped.
He breathed. He was actually roughly near where he'd landed originally. In fact-
"Thffft."
He spun around. Something was nearby, rustling in the bushes. Just like yesterday. Someone or something was watching him.
"Stay back! Stay back, I've got... nothing. I've... I've got nothing," he almost slumped. "Ah, crap. Whatever you're gonna do, just do it."
The bushes parted. A familiar face walked through.
"*Gasp!*"
"Fluffle Puff?"
She didn't pounce on him immediately. In fact, she retreated a bit into the bushes, cautious of him.
"No, no, don't be afraid. I'm friendly... I'm a friend."
Fluffle Puff said nothing. She retreated into her own fluff, which camouflaged into the background a bit. But her eyes remained open and curious.
"I..." Dan grabbed his knees. "You've got no reason to believe me. Honestly, maybe... maybe I never really had a place here. This whole world might just be... be better off without me..."
"I..." Fluffle Puff spoke. "I heard what you said. To the other pony. Yesterday."
"I, uh..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "You heard all that, huh?"
She nodded.
"Well, I mean, a lot of it was just stuff I was saying at the time, and... well..."
"Did you mean it?" Fluffle asked, point blank.
Dan was taken aback by that, just a bit. "I, uh... well..." He thought. What made something true when you said it? There was something beyond fact and fiction, and it went deeper than most other things. Did he feel it or not?
And there was only one answer. "Yeah." Because he did.
She hugged him tight. First time for her, and the million-teenth time for him. He hugged her back like it was his very first time.
"Oh, Fluffle... it's so good to see you again. I love you, baby girl."
"I... know," she said. "I... love you, too." They hugged again for a really, really long time. Finally, they released.
For a time that wasn't really measurable, could've been hours or even days, they bonded. Dan knew a lot about the Everfree Forest. What fruits were edible, what plants provided shelter, what creatures roamed it. They spent some time together, even visited the spot where Zecora's shack would be one day. The clearing he would pursue Flim and Flam through. Just Dan and Fluffle Puff, together.
They didn't talk about much except the forest and life. Fluffle was a very good listener, to say the least. And Dan didn't discuss anything about the possible future.
"I have to ask you something," he said. It wasn't easy for him to do. "What are you doing here? Why are you in the forest?"
Fluffle Puff opened her mouth, then closed it and sighed. "That... is a question for another day. I think it's time for you to get back home."
Dan looked away, as if seeing the distance between him and home before him. "That... is easier said than done."
"I know something that might help."
He turned to her, the shock of disbelief clear on his face. But he wanted to believe. "Really? What?"
Dan hadn't seen this particular castle except as a ruin. But the Castle of Prophecies, known more simply as the Castle of The Two Sisters was impressive in its time. Sconces were lit with fires, the walls were high and regal. In the night, it looked large and imposing, very apart from the rest of Equestria at the time.
This was because Celestia and Luna had not yet reclaimed the Equestrian Throne. The current royal family was only related to them through adoption; Star Swirl the Bearded had adopted Celestia and Luna as his own daughters when their parents had departed. Because of their link to the prophecy of harmony, the Sisters of Prophecy were kept apart from the rest of pony society and protected. That would all end in a matter of days after Discord took over.
Fluffle Puff had led him here for a reason. And Dan knew exactly what that reason was.
"Thank you for helping me," Dan said. "I know what I have to do."
Fluffle nodded. "Thank you for being nice to me." She looked down. "Will I... will I see you again?"
"You will," Dan said, and hugged her tight. "But it'll be a long time."
She nodded. "I'll wait for you."
He walked on to meet his destiny.
"Wait," Fluffle said. He turned back to her and she asked him, "what's your name?"
"Dan."
They parted ways. It was the last time Fluffle Puff would see Dan... for a thousand years.
The castle had guards. But he knew how to give them the slip.
"Halt!" Royal Guards were the same regardless of time.
"Has pizza been invented yet? You know what, doesn't matter. I have a delivery to make."
"What is your business? Back away!"
Dan ignored him and kept approaching. The first one lowered his lance, and Dan grabbed it. He bashed the first guard in the back of the neck with his own lance, then smacked the other one with it. Too easy.
Of course, this was noticed by the guards on the palisade walls.
"Intruder!! The castle is under attack!" "Alarm! Alarm!"
With a smile, Dan simply opened the doors to the castle and walked in. Using the lance, he barred the door. Immediately, he was in the throne room. And there, at the end of it, was Princess Luna.
"WHO DARES PENETRATE THE SANCTUM OF HARMONIES?!?" Canterlot Voice Luna, always fun.
Dan simply walked right up to her. "Hello, your highness. Nice to see you again."
"Why have you chosen to disturb the-"
"I'm right here, Lulu. Take it down a few notches."
She looked at him, utterly puzzled but not threatened. "You've assaulted my guards and broken into my chambers. What... what manner of creature are you?"
Dan grinned slyly. "A very dangerous one, your highness." He raised his index finger and pointed at his head, his brain. "Look into my mind, little princess! If you dare."
Luna looked phased but still, not threatened. She was a younger Luna, still full of confidence, fire and bravado, the pony she was before she returned to Equestria. Dan had to convince her, like he had in his time. She did not sense a trap, and although was cautious, was not as cautious as she would be in his time. Perfect.
Dan summoned up the angriest feelings, all the memories of fire and revenge, all his feelings of resentment and hate. He thought of everything hateful, all of his feelings and schemes and plans of revenge. Every burning hatred he had, he let it come to the front of his mind.
And Luna did peer into his mind. He horn glowed. He saw upon her face as it changed. She sifted through his memories and her puzzlement changed to shock and disbelief. And then... something else.
Dan's grin faltered. He was able to feel some of her feelings as well. It was plain on her face; she was seeing something else, something he hadn't intended for her to see. Before he realized it, it was already too late.
Was this fate? Something had changed in her. She saw it, and Dan was too late to stop it. She saw everything. Everything that had happened to him, that would happen to Equestria, that would happen... to her. To her sister. It was written plain on her face.
"Oh no..." Dan said.
Luna's horn stopped glowing. She panted, not from the exertion but just the astonishment. The shock. They just stood there, staring at one another. Luna paced, trying to process all she had just witnessed.
"Luna..." Dan said.
She looked back at him. "Yes... Dan?"
Before they could say any more, the entire garrison of Royal Guards filled the room. They stormed in from the balconies, broke through the front door, charged in through the back and adjoining hallways and lowered their weapons at Dan.
"Step away from the princess!" "Surrender or die!" "Move!"
"Stop!" Luna said. "This... intruder threatened me. And I alone shall decide his fate."
Dan looked around. There were too many witnesses, too many eyes. He couldn't fool them all. He looked back to Luna.
From high up on the balcony, they spotted Celestia. The older princess was watching, confused, bewildered. She'd been asleep, as was routine. But now, she had been roused and they all were seeing what was going on.
Luna stood before him and summoned all her strength. "For threatening a princess of Equestria, there is only one punishment fitting..."
Dan looked up at her, heart in his throat.
"Banishment! To the moon!" She summoned the Elements of Harmony from the altar in the castle keep. All six elements hovered around above in a circle. Luna rose to join them, her horn glowing brightly. The royal guards backed away, some shielded their eyes from the light. It filled the room, illuminated everything.
"May you receive what you deserve from your deeds!!"
Dan was so happy he could almost cry. He did cry. Facing judgment, his last words to Luna were, "Thank you."
"Sayonara, jerk!"
A beam of magic erupted from Luna's horn. It was joined by beams from the Elements, amplified into a massive and golden bolt. And when it hit Dan, it blasted him right out of the castle.
On a rainbow beam, Dan rocketed towards the heavens, towards the moon.
Very few ponies saw what transpired. A few did, and some wondered what it was. A bright beam of some kind shot up from the forest and up towards the moon, like a shooting star rising to the heavens. It collided with the moon and exploded, leaving a massive, cratered imprint of Dan's face on it.
Slowly, Luna turned the moon so that Dan's face was on the dark side. She was the only one who knew... and would be the only one to know.
She lowered back to the ground. The guards filed out silently.
Celestia approached her.
"Who was that? What happened."
Only Luna would know. Could know. "It was... nothing you need to worry about, sister."
Equestria Present "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" No matter how many times he plummeted down to the surface of this planet, Dan just never got used to falling. But unlike the last times, he was happy. Happy to be alive.
A thousand years and some change, probably about a thousand-and-three years, the trip had been instantaneous to Dan. He had served out his 'sentence' on the moon and his banishment was over.
He appeared in the sky, just as he had before. The surface of Equestria never looked so beautiful to him, from Ponyville to Cloudsdale to Canterlot, all back the way it had been. He was home.
As he fell, he wondered who it would be who rescued him this time. Rainbow Dash, maybe? Twilight? His beloved Chrys? The ground was coming closer now... and then he thought of something terrible.
Oh shit, what if they missed him this time?!
"AAAAAAAAHHH HELP! HELP CATCH ME CATCH ME CATCH ME CATCH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!"
But there was no pegasus to catch him this time.
"ANY TIME NOW!!"
Closer.
"NOW WOULD BE GREAT!!"
Approaching the treeline. There was Golden Oakes.
"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"
Stop.
Just before he hit the ground, his momentum was arrested in midair. No one caught him. And yet, someone did. Magic did.
"Well, look who decided to drop in!"
"Dan!!" Twilight grabbed him. Chrys grabbed him. Spike respectfully kept his distance. Then, decided to join in the hug. Phoenix hugged him as well.
"Guys! Guys, guys, guys!"
"Give him some room! Let him breath," Phoenix said.
"NO, NO, GET BACK OVER HERE!" Dan grabbed them all again. "I'm gonna hug the bajeezus outta each and every one of you right now!!"
They hugged. They kissed him, he kissed them back. It was the biggest display of affection and unconditional love Equestria had seen in a long time. Quite a long time. He didn't want to let them go, they didn't want to let him go.
But none of the ones that were currently hugging him were the ones that rescued him.
"So which one of you caught me?"
And one pony from the crowd stepped forward. Followed by another one. These two ponies were not like the others, though- they were standing on two legs.
"That would be my son," Rice said, patting him on the back.
Vice waved. Vice Grip, the way Dan had first met him... only it hadn't been him.
"Your... son?" Dan asked.
Vice Grip was about twenty-years old. He wore a white lab coat, like his dad, and stood on chrome boots with chrome gauntlets attached to his forelegs. He was a brown stallion with a sandy mane, while Rice was the opposite color for the most part.
"Your son... Vice," Dan said. He looked at both of them in disbelief.
"I was just returning the favor, is all," Vice said. He pulled back his lab coat to reveal a tiny scar on his chest, barely noticeable. "But really, I guess I owe you for more than just me. You gave me my dad back. Gave us a second chance."
"I... well, you're welcome," Dan said.
Rice smiled. He was just as happy as Dan was, that was clear. "The portal didn't quite take us back all the way to where we were. I guess magic takes requests sometimes. Not my area of expertise... yet. So, my son and I took some time to... help out a few things here and there."
Dan understood. Rice and Vice had been transported not back to the present, but to ten years before Dan's arrival in Equestria. Both Rice and Vice were older now and had spent time together building a life here. Probably building a lot. They'd stayed out of the way of history... and Vice had grown up. Of course, Rice wasn't too old himself; he'd had his son when he was young. They almost looked the same age.
"I'm happy you got your son back," Dan said.
"Thank you. I'm happy you got your family back," Rice said. The three of them shook hands. "Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a special project we're working on. See y'all later."
He had his friends. He was home at last.
"Thank you, Dan. For all you've done for us," Twilight said.
But Dan turned it around. "No, no... well yes, but not just that. Thank you. Thank you all, all of you. For what you've done for me. Maybe I could've done it without all you guys but... you guys make me want to. You guys make me want to do it all again, go through it all again each and every day. I love you all."
They hugged him tight and together said, "We love you too, Dan."
There was just one pony missing. "Where's Fluffle Puff?"
Dan put his hands on his hips, knowingly. "As if you have to ask that question."
He burst through the door to the Golden Oakes Library. And Fluffle Puff dropped from the ceiling. "There's my girl!!"
"Thbbbbbt!" They hugged each other tight.
"You and me are gonna live, here, in this house, with Twilight and Chrys and Nicky, together, all of us... forever!!"
"I've waited a long time for this moment!" Fluffle Puff said. She pulled back for a moment. "But there's one last thing I wanted to show you."
"What's that?"
Fluffle scampered downstairs. She took a moment or two, but then brought something back up with her. Several somethings, in fact.
"So this is where you've been the whole time?" Chris asked.
"I didn't really take you for the bookish type, Dan." Elise added.
"CHRIS! And junior!"
"Please," Elise held up her hand. "Don't let that follow me here."
"I'm sorry," Dan said genuinely. "It's great to see you guys! Where have you been?"
Chris pointed over his shoulder. "There's a portal-thingy down there we went through. I guess we could basically go back to Earth whenever we wanted."
"Me? Leave? Ha, that's insane. I'd never want to leave this place when I've got such great friends here!"
"Is this the same Dan from our Earth?" Elise asked.
"Hey! Let's go burn down the Crystal Palace! I need to get Sam back for something he did yesterday... a thousand years ago."
Chris nodded. "Yep, that's him."
"So this is the... other Chris?" Chrys asked. "He doesn't shapeshift, does he?"
"Not usually, no," Chris said.
"Good," Chrys said. She hugged Dan tight. "I like being the only one who can change like that. Especially for Dan."
"Always, Chrys. But how did they get here? You guys summoned my other friends from Earth while I was gone? That's so awesome, we could use some more friends to join all our adventures!"
"Really?" Phoenix asked. "It kinda seems like we have enough."
"Well," Fluffle Puff said, coming back upstairs. "I hope there's room for at least one more."
"Who is it?"
And from the top of Fluffle Puff's fluff, he saw another ball of fluff. And she was happy to see him.
"Mrrow?"
"MISTER MUMBLES!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Mrow!"
"It's great to see you, too!" He grabbed and hugged his kitty. They all hugged again. They were all of them, all together, home at last.
Episode 26: Dan Vs. A Family Puff/Epilogue: Know They Did
Dan was still asleep and wouldn't be up for another couple of hours. When he woke up, the sun was almost searing to his eyes. He scowled at the rays breaking through the window, catching his eyes before they'd fully adjusted but, he got over that pretty quickly.
Today was a special day. Chrys was already up and getting ready. He should be getting ready, too.
"Hey Dan," Phoenix said. "Ready for the big day?"
Dan nodded. "Yeah... yeah, I am."
Phoenix smiled. "I'm not even gonna ask what you're gonna wear." (We all know what it's going to be, anyway. I'm sure it'll be fine. Now, what am I going to wear?)
"Hurry up and get ready yourself. Best man has to be on time."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. I know."
Everyone got ready pretty quickly. There was a lot to be done and it was pretty short notice, but if there was one thing ponies could do properly, it was party. This wouldn't just be any ordinary party or special occasion, however, so all of their friends and in fact, everyone had been invited.
Around noon, they were all ready. Dan, Chrys, Twilight, Phoenix Wright and Spike, all departed the Golden Oakes Library. They made their way to the train station, checked at the last minute for everything and Dan was especially happy to see Rice and Vice operating the train. It was about time.
Before the train left, there was just one last thing Dan needed.
"Hang on, guys. I need to get something."
"What is it? And you picked just NOW to go get it?" Twilight asked.
Dan shrugged. "Well, you know me. I'll get the next ride to Canterlot, you guys take the train."
"Alright," Twilight nodded. "I think I know what you're going to get anyway," she said, giving him a wink.
"We'll see you soon, Dan!" Chrys waved.
Indeed, they would.
Dan ran, bolting his way back across town. He went to the edge of the Everfree Forest, retracing the path he first took to Ponyville. He went right to the same clearing. There was a bit of an unspoken promise he'd made to a friend.
He pulled his way through the bush. And he found Fluffle Puff there.
"I thought I'd find you here," Dan said.
*Gasp!* Fluffle Puff pounced on him, as she usually did. They hugged for quite a while, just two warm beings, warm hearts in each others' embrace.
"You're the reason why I'm here," he said. "Not just here now, but here in Equestria. You're the one that summoned me here."
Fluffle nodded. They had had this bond even before they met, something about Fluffle Puff and Dan, Dan and Fluffle Puff... across the vastness of time, space, realities, dimensions, all of that and everything else, something brough them together. And that something was love. Fluffle had not used a spell to summon Dan; she had used her heart. His heart had resonated with hers.
"A long time ago, I asked you... why you were in this forest and not in town."
Fluffle nodded again. "I... well, I think I'm the reason both you and Chrys are here. Not because of the Director. But... because of me." She felt this. She'd always felt it, known it in some way from the moment he saw Dan, the moment he saw Chrys. She hadn't seen Chrysalis, just Chrys, the version of Queen Chrysalis that wanted something more. That wanted a second chance.
"I wanted a family," Fluffle Puff said. "I didn't have one of my own. I was alone, the only one of my kind."
Dan understood. There was only one Flufflapon pony per dimension, per version of Equestria. Even Fuzzle was just another version of Fluffle, except male and blue. That was what Daring Do's information had revealed. But now, there could be more than one fluffy pony.
"I wanted it so badly... for so long. I didn't know where I came from. I still don't know. But... I have you now."
"You have a family now. You have me. And Chrys and Twilight and Spike and Nicky... and all of us. Wherever you came from, you have a home and a family with us," Dan said. He hugged her tightly, she hugged him back tightly. "Now, let's go see 'em!"
"Thpp-thpppt!"
The trip to Canterlot took a little longer, but Dan thought it was important to wave to all his friends as he departed. He wouldn't be gone long, but this was a huge step for him, for all of them. He and Fluffle Puff waved to the ponies of Ponyville, happy to see every last one of them. They had earned this. They all had earned this very moment, this happiness. It was theirs.
The arrival at Canterlot Castle was met with all the fanfare one could imagine and then some. Dan was a hero, a royal, and as of now, he was recognized for something more. This ceremony was for all of them, but they knew who the MVP was. It was a jerk named Dan, their loveable, loving jerk that they loved.
"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do," Chrys said.
"And do you take this mare to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do," said Dan.
"Then, by the power vested in me by the Kingdom of Equestria, I now pronounce you... man and wife," Michael Hay said. "You may kiss the bride."
He did. He did like he'd never kissed her before.
The courtyard of Canterlot Castle erupted in a chorus of applause, streamers, confetti, and more than a few party cannons. It was the happiest day of Dan's life... so far.
Twilight, Phoenix Wright, Spike, even Chris and Elise, and Mr. Mumbles and Fluffle Puff, Rice and Vice, Princess Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor, Cadence, Sam, Sombra, all their friends, their family, the whole thing, everyone was there. Everyone.
They were all together at last. This was their home and now, they set about building, managing, maintaining, securing and living in it together.
Dan opened the doors to Canterlot Castle with both his hands, swinging both doors sweeping to the sides like he owned the whole thing. Not a single one said or thought otherwise.
Twilight trotted up to him, smiling a knowing smile. "And where have you been?"
For the first time in this story, since that question was asked, it finally got a real answer.
"Ha!" Dan laughed. "You know where I've been." He looked her right in the eye and happily said, "I've been right here this whole time. Took you long enough to notice."
"Well, maybe next time don't be so subtle about it," she said coyly.
"I think that's a good idea. And I'm not going anywhere."
She brushed his shoulder. "Wouldn't be Equestria without you."
"And we were right there with you for most of it," Phoenix said.
"Yeah, yeah," Spike added. "But hey, you wanna tell us again, Dan? Just for the heck of it?"
"Really?" Dan looked at the little dragon. "You want me to tell you the whole story again right now?"
They all shrugged. "Why not?" Chrys asked.
"Oooh, wow. Alright, then. Where do I start..."
Michael tapped Barro on the shoulder. "Hey Barro, you think this might be something worth writing down?"
And Barro shrugged. "Well... we'll see." And he got out his notebook.
Dan turned around. "Okay, so... it was just after Twilight and Spike here got back from the Crystal Empire." He spread his hands out to set the scene properly. "The sun set on a beautiful Ponyville day..."
The End. Written by Barro the Broadcaster with help from friends.
Dan and friends will return in Season 2 of Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship
