Errands: Buyer Beware
"Sorry boys, can't help you," was Flam's response.
"So you're not responsible for any of this?" Dan asked, holding up the fake sales pony's head.
Flim and Flam looked over the robot closely. "Hmmm... nope, can't say that's ours."
"Too many expensive materials. That's no way to keep costs down."
"We're in the coffee business now, anyway!" Flam announced. "
Dan threw the fake head down. "So it MUST be Rice Grip then!"
In the south-west corner of town, at the edge of the mercantile district, they had found the Flim Flam Brothers. It was the end of the day, so thankfully, both of them had closed their latest venture, a coffee shop, and were closed for the night. Like Trixie, Vinyl and Octavia, the brothers were also planning on leaving Ponyville. Unlike the others, Dan was actually happy at that news.
Spike sighed. "And what if it is, Dan?"
"I..." Dan was grinning maniacally, then his face started twitching again. "I don't know!" He began spazzing out, flailing, as if he was having a malfunction of his own. A revenge malfunction.
"You're sure this guy saved the world?" Kent asked to Spike.
He shrugged. "He had help. And he'd be the first to tell you that."
Dan hopped up. "Except he WASN'T the first to tell you that! YOU were! And he... I mean me..."
"It's just a figure of speech."
And with that, Dan fell over and began spazzing out again. Kent looked over to Spike, making it obvious what he was thinking. Spike scratched his neck, hoping the gesture said back the same thing. He's been through a lot, was what Spike was trying to say. Kent understood that.
"I'll get his legs-"
"Let me," Kent said. He used the Force to levitate Dan's twitching form.
"I think we should get him to Twilight," Spike said. "The Golden Oakes is this way."
Levitating Dan with space magic looked like the best solution. He continued twitching even as they continued through town, though he did calm down eventually. Getting away from the salesponies helped. Unfortunately, they showed up again.
They were almost to the western side of town where the library was located when they were stopped by more salesbots.
"Hello there, I'm Handi-Lay! And I'm here to make your life super-easy," a chipper female salesmare bot said. "Let's face it. Yardwork can be such a chore! Day in and day out of-"
"AAAhhhh! AAhhhh HAAA!" Dan became more frantic. Kent dropped him, forcing Dan to begin writhing on the ground. The human immediately got up and started staggering his way out of the area.
"We don't want what you're selling!!" Spike shouted.
Undeterred, the smiling marebot pushed a lawnmower up to them. "The handiclipper blore-thousand makes all your lawn and home and garden maintenance a breeze! It can clip, it can cut, it can mow, it can graze, it can-"
The marebot pushed the mower closer to them with each continuing pointless, redundant explanation. As she went on, she began describing things that weren't even part of a lawnmower. All the while, the robot's perky grin and lifeless stare remained fixed ahead at the three men.
"SHE WANTS OUR SOULS! GET AWAY! RUN!!!" Dan was now running around the block in circles.
She pushed the mower right at them, nearly running them over with it. That was beyond enough for Kent. The armored Jedi levitated the lawnmower off the ground... and the salesmarebot's hooves were still attached to it.
"Act now and you can get half off the warranty for the first six months of a two-year lease!"
"Or we could give you half off," Kent said. Using both his hands, he pried the robot off the mower. Its hooves came off at the fetlock, apparently being that attached to the handlebar. He then dropped the robomare, but held the mower.
"The new handimower's durability is guaranteed to-"
*BAMF
BAMF
BAMF
BAMF-BAMF-BAMF*
Kent telekinetically smashed the mower into the robot repeatedly, breaking and bending the metal of both with each bash.
"It's still moving!"
The yellow finish and fake mane peeled off the robot with each strike, revealing the metal underneath.
"YES!" Dan exclaimed. "Kill it! Kill it! Die, you Five Nights at Freddy's piece of trash!"
Spike pointed at the machine in abject horror, "It's still coming!!"
Kent activated the lawnmower. The spinning blades drew the mangled machine into it, chopping it while destroying the motor. Even as the blades spun, destroying the robot, the robot's metallic parts clogged the gears and jammed the blades, breaking the mower. Its other cutting utensils, attached to tentacle-like cables coming from the top, flailed and snipped at the robot jammed in the mower itself. Finally, the combined chopping blades chewed the machine up, allowing it to be sucked into the mower and finally ripped to pieces.
The salesbot continued its pitch even as it was grinded into bits. Its head was the last thing sucked into it, finally ripped apart, silencing it. The image of the wide-eyed grinning robot being chopped apart would haunt Spike's dreams for quite a while... unless he drank that image away, which he fully intended to do.
"Aight, Imma head out," Spike said. "We're gonna tell Twilight errands didn't work out and order everything delivered. Everything we can order, that is."
"Can we order therapy? I would like to order therapy. Just... a lot of therapy, please," Dan said. His hand then raised to his head. "Oh great... I'm now WANTING therapy. Eh, I probably can find that online, anyway."
"Meditation can be a very effective method of relieving stress," Kent said.
"How much meditation is it going to take to make me forget that?"
"All of it."
"Great," Dan clapped his hands. "Kent, you can take the guest room next to the WOPR. Let's head home, drink something and pass out."
The three men turned around. And they saw a line of grinning salesponies in front of them, between them and the treehouse.
"Howdy!"
"Hey there!"
"Salutations!"
"Have I got a deal-"
"Have you ever thought-"
"Would you like to save-"
"I sawed this boat in half!"
"AAAAAHHH!" Dan screamed and resumed his frightened relay around the block.
The salesbots moved rapidly to encircle the remaining human and dragon. Kent wasted no time; he ignited one of his sabers and a flamethrower from his left gauntlet.
"Climb on top of my shoulders! I'll-I'll burn us a path through!"
"AAahh! Aaaaah!" Despite the terror, Spike complied.
"Don't block my-hey!" Spike's claws ripped at his helmet, obscuring his vision. Unable to sense the machines through the Force, Kent could do little more than aim the flamethrower, slash with the saber and hope for the best as the panicked Spike continued riding him.
With large sections of the town still under re-re-REconstruction, it was just now that the fires alerted the towns ponies to what was going on. To onlookers, it looked very different than the truth.
"Crazy robot on the loose!"
"There's a fire-breathing robot melting ponies in town! AND HE'S GOT SPIKE!!!"
"Wait!" Dan stopped one of them, "HE'S not the robot, the ponies are!!"
The townsmare gasped. "I'm... I'm a robot?!!"
"The way you do math, Cici, you ain't no robot."
"Fuck off, Nickie."
Copper Crest and Nickel Lining, or Cici and Nickie respectively, were two mares that worked as bank tellers for Happy Ponyville Savings and Loan, the friendliest bank in Equestria. They were actually both decent at mathematics, or at least the math necessary to process bank transactions, but friends sometimes gave each other shit.
Kent's flamethrower shut off. "I can't melt them fast enough; they just keep coming!!"
Dan focused. His friends needed him, HE needed, THEY needed to get away from the swarm of sales robots. There were dozens appearing seemingly out of nowhere and while the Sith assassins had been frail, the robots were far more resilient. And annoying.
Plan. He looked up. Cloudsdale was still above them and was one of the first installations working since they got back. They could contact the pegasi, start a storm, maybe get some lightning to short out the machines. It wasn't the best plan but it was one he had right now.
Kent sliced two of the robots in half, but even in half, they still continued pitching sales. Only cutting them to pieces and then cutting THOSE pieces into yet smaller pieces seemed to destroy them. With their numbers, if this kept up, it was only a matter of time before they bought the farm, in both a figurative and literal sense.
"RUN! Back to the airfield, follow me!!" Dan said.
The trio departed, running at a breakneck-pace back to the center of town. The salesponies followed them, unblinking, unnerving and unrelenting.
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You may call it cruel and unusual punishment, I call it an Aggressive Marketing Strategy™
10643354
You know, she never did say what payment would be accepted. So maybe half-off means half-off your soul? Eeeeuugh.
A new chapter means it’s ~Sunday~
now let me see n’ere *dons reading glasses*
... Not sure whether I should be thanking Celestia (for all the good she’s done in this fic) or be scared, if it wasn’t Flim and Flam then who the buck did put together these maniacal machines? Freaking Megatron?!
(well we’ve already had Boba Fett, a few Jedi and a few Sith-bount-hunters so the Transformers showing up wouldn’t even surprise me ... but now I really wanna see Dan tearing around town while fighting with Bumblebee over which radio station they’ll listen to!
Oh come on Spike! How did you mistake the helmet for the shoulder? Little purple idjit!
Wait ... were those two on the Griffon’s airships? Nah wait that was Becky and Chelsea ... gave me a real deja vu moment though!
Yes-yes-yes! Unless these monsters have jet packs then fly away! ... They don’t have jetpacks do they? ... Nah, couldn’t have!
Now for my Favourite Quotes:
Yeah, I know they’re Ponies but these two remind me so much of Becky and Chelsea from Gust Grasp’s ship! Are they pen-pals?
Dan is aware of FNaF and he hates it!
Phew and that’s everything I love (most) about this week’s chapter and I’ll eagerly await the next.
Awesome as always and I’ll see you ~next time~
Your Eternal Fan
^_^
(Thanks for making a crumby day better as always Barro, never mind Ada Wong I’d want you backing me up in a (invisible) zombie apocalypse)
10644877
The evil robotic salesponies are something I came up with a long time ago, but picked just now to introduce. By far, they are the most sinister and evil thing I've designed to date. Like Terminators but they want you to buy things. Honestly, if they just killed people rather than trying to sell them long-term, no money down payment plans on crappy products and time-shares, Dan would consider that a mercy. The Terminators just kill their victims with guns or weapons. These Time-sharenators legitimately drive their victims insane with convoluted investment options and subscription fees, penalty fees, prices and other money-leeching tactics. They are more evil than pure evil; they're evil at a discount.
10650540
From Phoenix Wright I believe.
What is this, Sales-Con?