Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1)

by Barrobroadcaster

Rad: The Bipolar Express

Dan reentered the passenger train car calmly. The rest of his friends were gathered between the two sofas playing cards on the carpeted floor, except for Doctor Whooves who appeared to be explaining his life story on the opposite couch.

"-and you can't ever Daleks, I found that out a LOOOOOONG time ago, because just when you think they've finally, truly learned something, they go back to EXTERMINATE all over again. Though, to be fair, they did help me rescue Rory more recently, but they only really did that for his brain, so I don't think that really counts and-"

"Ahem," Dan cleared his throat. "Well, I do certainly hope I'm not interrupting. Everybody doing okay?"

The train went silent. Cap, Chris, Rarity, Doctor Whooves, even Tuxley and Reginald on the other side slowly turned around to face Dan. Even Phoenix's eyes widened a bit.

"Sir?"

"Yes, Reginald?"

"I find myself overcome with a sense of foreboding. Is this natural?"

"Given the circumstances, I would say it was most appropriate. Most appropriate indeed. In fact, now that you mention it, I, too, must confess a feeling of dread pervading my faculties."

"Ah. Tis most dire."

"Most dire indeed, Reginald."

"Sir?"

"Yes, Reginald?"

"May I suggest our course of action to withdraw behind the furniture until such threat has passed?"

"Very good, Reginald. Proceed and I shall join you."

"Indubitably, sir."

"Indubitably, Reginald." The gentrified blokes then retreated behind and underneath the couch, though only partially in Tuxley's case.

With a big smile plastered on his face, Dan casually walked over to where Cap and Chris were sitting. Both men, far taller and more muscular than Dan, practically cowered at his approach. Opposite them, Rarity and Doctor Whooves were doing the same.

For those who knew Dan, you got used to him being angry at everything. Every little thing. Most of the time, he'd get pissed off and rage at you and you could pretty much ignore it, even if it happened daily. He woke up angry, he ate and worked angrily, he spent his free time angrily and when he slept, he snored angrily. Hate was his natural state. So, to see him uncharacteristically happy was off-putting to say the very least. And downright disturbing for everyone for those who did know him.

"So, did you uh..." Cap stammered. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "That is, to say, um-ah..."

"Did you find out anything?" Chris quickly asked.

"Oh yes, that. Did you do that?"

Dan nodded merrily. Behind him, Phoenix carefully crept around, trying not to draw attention.

"Why, yes I did, Stevie, thank you for asking. Do you want to know what I discovered?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Cap and Chris were a bit too frightened for rational thought at that moment, but recovered and said, "Sure?"

"Okay! Let me show you guys what I found out," Dan said. Phoenix took a spot on the sofa next to Cap and Chris and together, the three men took cover behind it. Dan walked right up to the door. "You know what I found out?"

They shook their heads. "N-no. What?"

Dan opened the door to a screeching, glowing, flying mechanical monster. "I WAS RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!"

"HOLY SHIT!"
"EVERYBODY DOWN!"
"We're already down!"
"GET LOWER THAN DOWN!"

Mechbeth swooped down and ripped a massive tear in the train car. The lights in the cabin immediately went out as its tail hook tore into the metal. The machine maneuvered and swung, still attached by the tether to the car in front of it. It recoiled its tail and began to glow as it charged energy for its next attack.

Advanced Continental Railway Authority Defense System
Mechbeth Mk. V
Train-based Annihilator

"What in the world is that thing?!" Rarity shrieked.

Dan charged and tackled her to the ground as it made another pass. "SHIELD! SHIELD NOW!!"

Rarity made a bubble shield around them and the others just as spears began raining down. A signature attack of all the Mechbeth models, the giant spears were originally meant to deter those around the train from attacking it. Actually, all of the weapons the Mechbeth used were meant to defend the train itself from attackers, but not remove or attack those that had already boarded the train. Since Dan triggered the auto-targeting systems though, the machine wasn't in a choosy mood or mode where it could choose.

The auto-targeting system was still in its prototype phase, so it registered Dan's friends as hostiles as well. Didn't apparently register the train for some reason, though.

"Dan! We made it mad!" Phoenix yelled.

"It's a robot, Nicky, it doesn't get mad!" A moment after Dan said that, the Mechbeth swooped down again and carved the side of the train car. Metal grinded on metal as the prongs of the tail hook cleaved the car, causing it to buck off its wheels briefly.

"Definitely seems mad to me!"

More spears rained down through the gash in the ceiling, cracking against Rarity's energy shield. Unlike most objects, the shield began to actually crack like glass as each one pelted it. Rarity winced in pain each time.

"Rarity!"

"These... the spears!" She clutched her head, narrowing her eyes to focus all her magic on the shield.

"The spears must be magic like the zebra ones!" Dan shouted.

Doctor Whooves chanced a glance upward. The britpone had been cowering, which was neither acceptable for Brits or pones to do, but he knew deep in his two hearts that he had to do something.

"Maybe... maybe we can reason with it!"

"Stevie, prepare to throw Doctor Whooves at it for suggesting something so stupid!"

"Aaah!" Cap and Chris jumped out of the way as the machine came scraping down again. It raked the shield, piercing it and taking off top of the sofa in front of them.

"Why would you want to throw me at that thing?!" Whooves shouted.

"Why would you suggest something that could possibly get us killed?!" Dan shouted back.

"This is what I do, Dan! This is MY way of doing things! I am an intellectual, a problem-solver, a puzzler! I work things out in my head, I don't just randomly throw things at my problems and hope things just work out!!"

"YOUR WAY. DOES NOT. WORK. DOCTOR," Dan yelled. The two men ducked again as the machine swooped down, cutting off what remained off the roof. "THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THINGS MY WAY!"

"Spread out!!" Cap yelled. Another barrage of spears rained down on them. Some went straight through her shield to puncture the floor. Finally, just as the last of the spiked hail ended, Rarity's shield broke.

"We're out of options and out of cover!" Phoenix yelled.

"Dan, do something!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAGH! I DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE THE DAMN TRAIN TO BEGIN WITH!!!"

"You want me to do things YOUR way, Dan?!" Doctor Whooves said. "Fine! Here's to barbarianism!! I shall unleash my savagery!" He picked up one of the fallen spears. "FOR ENGLAND YOU FOUL FUCKING BITCH!" With all his might, he chucked the spear.

*CRAANG!* Into the wall on the other side of the car.

"After all that, you fucking missed it. Way to go, Timeloser," Dan said.

"I don't think he's from the same England we're from, sir."

"Reginald, the wound is clearly salted enough."

"Nnnyeeheahahahahaha!" Doctor Whooves laughed. He then held up two more spears. "Oh, but Dan... I'm not done yet!" The Doctor charged and somehow used the spear in the wall as a spring board. As the machine swooped down again, Whooves jumped on it.

"I think you broke Doctor Who, Dan," Phoenix said.

To which Dan replied, "I hate trains."

Comments

[Booster Spice]

Timelord Causality Interupts Activated.

Time to Total Loss Of Reality.

Yes.

[Barrobroadcaster]

10018488
Would you have rather he broke the TARDIS?

[JakeAndDollars]

10018856
Don't even joke about that! Scary Sqee goes down when a T.A.R.D.I.S. goes down. Or gets jealous...

~Dollars

P.S.

Barro I hope you're happy with yourself, I haven't had a chance to read the chapter yet but when I checked earlier and read the title name every mental block and shred of professionalism I had crumbled in an instant...

Now, in my line of work emotional detachment is a valuable asset and mine has earned me the respect of many colleagues, but every few minutes for the last several hours I've been stricken with bursts of uncontrollable laughter! And people are starting to whisper...

[Barrobroadcaster]

10019173
Yeah actually that title HAS been used before apparently. I DID come up with on my own, but it has been thought of before, found that out. Still, this is apparently one of the only times the title has been used in a funny context, so that's something. I enjoy coming up with funny Halo-style chapter titles and I'm happy you enjoy them too, Dollars! I really like the fact this title also applies somewhat to the characters' behavior in the chapter as well, that's a plus.

[LadyLeomon]

Huzzah for I have arrived on time to give my weekly review of the newest instalment of this whimsical(ly terrifying) series! With that in mind, a new chapter means it’s ~Sunday~ now let me see n’ere *dons reading glasses*

Still stuck on a train and the Threat to Life (Not Because of Dan) is rising ever higher? Good grief ... now that I think about it in regards to trains nothing good *ever* happens on them in video games, movies and tv shows! Resident Evil 0 - Train full of Zombies and Leech Monsters! Resident Evil 2/2 remake - giant fleshy monster slowly swallows train to get to heroes! Snakes on a Train? ... So I really have to say why to this particularly crappy direct-to-DVD sequel? ... Basically any trains outside Equestrian are evil!

And now for my favourite quotes:

"Sir?"

"Yes, Reginald?"

"I find myself overcome with a sense of foreboding. Is this natural?"

"Given the circumstances, I would say it was most appropriate. Most appropriate indeed. In fact, now that you mention it, I, too, must confess a feeling of dread pervading my faculties."

"Ah. Tis most dire."

"Most dire indeed, Reginald."

"Sir?"

"Yes, Reginald?"

"May I suggest our course of action to withdraw behind the furniture until such threat has passed?"

"Very good, Reginald. Proceed and I shall join you."

"Indubitably, sir."

"Indubitably, Reginald."

These two gentlemen ... I couldn’t ask for a better example of what a real English gent should be like (human, Equine, Tyrannosaur, etc). I just enjoyed this whole section of dialogue so very much, a thousand thank you’s dearest Sir Turkey and Mr Reginald

"You want me to do things YOUR way, Dan?!" Doctor Whooves said. "Fine! Here's to barbarianism!! I shall unleash my savagery!" He picked up one of the fallen spears. "FOR ENGLAND YOU FOUL FUCKING BITCH!" With all his might, he chucked the spear.

"After all that, you fucking missed it. Way to go, Timeloser," Dan said.

"I don't think he's from the same England we're from, sir."

"Reginald, the wound is clearly salted enough."

There have been times when I honestly doubted Dr Whooves suitability to this team ... but now I see how wonderfully Dan-mented he can be given the right circumstances! Rage on Doc, rage on! (and that last little quip from Turkey was just too perfect!)

"I think you broke Doctor Who, Dan," Phoenix said.

To which Dan replied, "I hate trains."

Ah Nicky, sweet, well-meaning, dutiful Nicky ... you’re implying the good Doctor’s sanity was intact to be begin with!

Phew and that’s everything I loved (most) about this week’s instalment and I shall eagerly await the next, as is my weekly tradition!

Awesome as always and I’ll see you ~next time~

Your Eternal Fan ^_^

[Barrobroadcaster]

10027026
I appreciate the offer but I'm going to have to pass. I have way too many other things I need to write at this point already. You can use some of my ideas or characters if you like and credit me and others, but I can't really contribute writing-wise. Also, I don't give out personal information. But thank you and I appreciate the compliment.

[Razzy]

Doctor Whoves is gonna choke a beotch.