• Published 12th Aug 2013
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Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) - Barrobroadcaster



The story of a man named Dan and all his friends in Equestria.

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Zulu: Something Groovy This Way Comes

Appleloosa-Ponyville Transit Zone, thirty-five kilometers east of Ponyville Train Station
En Route to Royalist-captured military base "Fort Jerk"(formerly Halberd Base)

When the fleet had departed from Fort Jerk just that morning, it had done so as a formation of three well-equipped and fully-armed griffon carriers, several flights of captured Flutterbirds and three full wings of combined griffon and pegasus squadrons. Now, as the fleet returned, two of the carriers were actually being carried, all but a few of the Flutterbirds had been destroyed and the squadrons of pegasi and griffons were either incapacitated, too injured to fly or staying onboard to look after the wounded. Not a single one of them risked flying again for fear that the zebras' spears might still somehow find them.

The bridge of the All of My Rage was somber after the battle. The griffons took to repairing the terminals and consoles while Gust oversaw them. Twilight and the others helped where they could but there was little they could do. Chrys, Fluttershy and Fluffle held each other while the griffons tended to their damaged ships and wounded squadrons. Dan's armada had gone from a proud statement of Equestria's bravery to a rather ironic warning of Zen Zeal's power. And they all knew it.

"Hey... does anyone else think it's kind of ironic? Carrier being carried?" Phoenix asked.

"Yeah, Nicky, we can read," Chrys said, muzzle resting on Fluffle's as she "thpppd" quietly in her lap.

"Why is the next scene in black and white?" Spike asked.

"Because I'm doing a Disney reference!" Dan said, spinning the ship's wheel. "Look at me! I'm Steamboat Danny!" He whistled, blew the trio of whistles atop the bridge and behaved in a manner akin to early cartoons. "C'mon, guys, cheer up!"

"Sorry Dan," Twilight said, her head in her hooves. "I guess we're not really in the mood for fourth wall humor."

"Yeah... I know what you mean," Dan said, removing the large, black button-like eyes he'd been wearing and wiping off the monochrome filter. "But hey, this is the part I'm good at."

"What do you mean?" Phoenix asked. "You mean you're good at dealing with defeat?" (I wish I was... then I probably wouldn't have to reload a save every time my Psyche-Guage hit empty.)

"Of course I am! You know that!" Dan said enthusiastically. "This is what I'm best at!"

"Ohhhh," Chrys said, nodding. "I get it; you weren't good at making the first strike against the zebras but you've got the advantage now because you're retaliating. Because you're good at revenge."

"Exactly, baby, thank you."

Chrys smiled. "I've spent enough time secretly transformed as you that I should be able to get you at this point."

Dan smiled back. "Gonna ignore how creepy that is. But yes, I am the BEST at revenge. It's a scientifically proven fact."

"Uhhhh..."

"Look," he held up the zebra spear, "we have this now. We figure out how they... essentially broke our entire fleet with these and then we can break them. Break them back, I mean."

"They threw those things right into the barrels of our guns," Gust said, hovering over to them. "They hit the shells inside the chambers just before they fired, blowing up our turrets. Once our carriers' guns were destroyed, they started chucking them up and impaling our air forces inside our own kill box," he said, looking out the window of the bridge. "It's almost as if they used our own weapons... even our own tactics against us."

"It's not just that," Twilight said, getting up. "Our own attack didn't seem to do anything to them at all. After we dropped everything we had on them, they just got up."

"We hit them with everything we had, more or less," Phoenix remarked. "And then there was the Blasties and they somehow turned into a nuke..."

They all got a bit quieter as they remembered the Blast Sisters. The twin mares who had sacrificed themselves so their fleet could get away was a memory that was still fresh for all of them. None of them knew if they had survived or perished in the valorous act but they all knew that what Blast Fuse and Blast Powder did had probably saved their lives.

"There definitely seems to be some kind of magic at work here," Twilight said, examining the spear. "We don't have much in the way of information about Zen Zeal's battles."

"Heh, that's because he doesn't usually leave survivors," Gust said. "Zenny's reputation is well-earned, we know that now. Most of those he goes up against ain't ever heard from again."

"We survived, though. And we're gonna do more than survive because next time, we kick their black and white behinds!" Dan declared, raising the spear. He was eager to fight them again, even as he retreated from them. While they admired him, none of them shared his enthusiasm to such a degree at the moment.

"We need to find out as much as we can about Zen Zeal. Who fought him last, all of his battles, everything," Twilight said. "We didn't have time to research much but maybe if they take a while to... regenerate, we can mount a better defense when we face them next."

"Yes, R&D, that's what we need!" Dan agreed, a delightfully maniacal glint in his eyes. "We'll reverse-engineer their spears. We'll make them... tridents or something. Upgrade and outclass their asses and beat them at their own game!"

Twilight levitated the spear back down to the ground. "We'll figure out something. In the meantime, we need to take care of our wounded pegasi and griffons, fix the ships."

"Most of the damage was superficial, even to the squads. It would've been a lot worse if we hadn't got out of there but as is, they didn't target any critical systems," Gust said. "It was like they were specifically trying not to kill us, which is tough to do with freaking spears. At any rate, we should be able to get everything and everyone patched up once we've landed."

"They didn't target any... what did you call them again?" Spike asked.

"Critical systems, you know- the engines, primary hull, the bridge or the reactor. And with the accuracy they were chucking these toothpicks, it seems like they definitely had the ability to do so," Gust said, patting the helm. "If they had attacked the engines or something, our goose would've been cooked. Explosion from any one of these carriers would've been enough to roast the others, making them all go nova. But they just hit the guns and while they did cause a lot of damage, it was mostly contained. The only threat was if the fires got out of control and once we got them out, there wasn't really a problem. Should be able to fix everything pretty easily."

"It almost... it almost sounds like..." Chrys rubbed her chin.

"Like what?"

"Like they want us to fight them again," Phoenix finished for them. "Like they're looking for a challenge."

"I'll give them a challenge," Dan said. "Beat every single last one of them until their stripes come off, skewer them with their own spears and shove those shields so far up there-"

"We're almost to the base," Gust announced. "So you can figure out where to shove what when we land."

Chrys wrapped her foreleg around Dan. "I can think of a few places."

Dan locked eyes with her, grinning. "I love it when you talk violent to me."

"Mmmm..."

"Uh... guys?" Twilight said, looking out the window. "You might want to take a look at this."

"What is it?" Dan asked, joining his friends as they lined up at the bridge's viewport.

"Oh... holy... crap..."

"Is it my base? Yeah, I have to admit, even I'm baffled by its awesomeness," Dan said. "Really outdid myself with this one. All the turrets, the traps, the security programs and all the..." he stopped when he saw his "base", Fort Jerk, as it came into view. "HIPPIES??!?!"

When Dan and the fleet had departed just this morning, Fort Jerk had been proudly emblazoned with Dan's iconic JERK symbols all over it. Banners, flags and pennants were all over the hexagonal structure, all displaying the word JERK in white spray-painted letters using the Enclave's "E" symbol as the E in JERK. There was even a small welcome mat at the makeshift entrance the Blasties had made when they broke into the base. The welcome mat had simply read: "Don't."

Now, the grand Fort Jerk was emblazoned with new symbols- mostly the "peace" symbol. The walls had been recolored from matte greene to vibrant shades of yellows, purples, blues, pinks and lighter greens and trees and foliage had seemingly sprouted out of the desert ground as if only moments ago. A massive tree had also grown through the base, using the destroyed rough where the air traffic control tower had fallen in as its breach. And around it, encircling the base was a wall... of hippie caravan wagons.

"What... why... how?!" Dan demanded.

"Oh, look!" Twilight said, pointing. "The hippies are back!"

"Back?!" Dan turned to her. "This is a regular occurrence? You have a hippie problem AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!?!"

"Hippie problem? What are you talking about?"

"Hippies!" Dan yelled. "Disgusting, freeloading, do-nothing, unwashed, unclean, get-high-and-eat-all-the-food-in-your-house hippies! The kind that vandalize and steal and... LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY BASE!!!" Even now, the music of the hippies was reaching them in their airships. Actually, it was Jefferson Airplane, which made sense because we referenced them in Episode 13. They were among those random ships in Gust's earlier fleet, the one that got shot down. You remember that? No? Well, they were there. Along with the Pepperidge Farm Remembers but it wasn't shot down because we're saving that one for later.

Twilight looked back. "Is that what hippies are like where you're from?"

"YES! I had one in my hometown and that guy was... well, he was there sometimes," Dan said, remembering Crunchy. "And even that was too much! He was always advocating some cause he felt strongly about or protesting or standing up for something he believed in!"

Chrys chuckled. "Well, if I could turn into a pot right now, you'd be a kettle and we'd both be my natural color."

"And the pot!" Dan said. "That accursed herb can turn even the skinniest guy into a human vacuum. I HAD TWELVE POP-TARTS, CHRIS! TWELLLLLVE! THEN I HAD NONE!!"

"Well... it sounds like you speak from experience," Twilight remarked. "But the hippies in Equestria are actually serve a crucial purpose to the kingdom."

"Oh crap," Dan said. "I feel like I'm about to get one of those world-building lessons where everyone's either gone or asleep afterward."

"Lesson or not, t's still a necessary purpose," Twilight continued. "Hippies in Equestria are ponies that choose not to live in towns. They're recognized under the charter as a nomadic community- anyone can join them if they travel and contribute to their group. The hippies are allowed certain exceptions so long as they perform additional duties like helping the environment and caring for the roads of Equestria. They improve the areas they travel to and Equestria's roads, beautifying and planting new trees and plants everywhere they go. They might be a bit odd but they're actually really beneficial. They care for parts of Equestria we don't always get to- the parts in between."

"Oh," Dan said. "I'll admit, that actually... wasn't that long and sounds pretty good. They're like a bunch of traveling environmentalists. And not the environmentally-challenged environmentalists, either."

"You mean the ones that still believe in climate changelings?" Chrys asked, rolling her eyes.

"We already did that joke. But yeah, I guess if they actually do all that stuff, they do sound alright," Dan said, rubbing his chin.

Twilight smiled. "Well, thanks, Dan. I am happy you're open minded when it comes to our culture, even if it's strange to you sometimes."

"And you forced us to celebrate Christmas instead of Hearth's Warming," Spike added.

Dan glared at the little dragon. "You celebrate both now thanks to me. You're welcome. And we still have one problem with this situation."

"What's that?"

The human picked up Twilight by the shoulders and yelled, "THEY'RE GETTING THEIR HIPPIE-CRAP ALL OVER MY BASE!!!!"

Indeed, Fort Jerk had been transformed into Camp Hippie, as one of its flags now displayed. So if you're keeping track, when the Enclave was in charge, it was called Halberd Base, then when Dan took over, he called it Fort Jerk, now a bunch of hippies had occupied it and were calling it Camp Hippie. We would've gone with Camp Marley or Woodstock Station but honestly, you can just keep going with the names on that one so you have to stop somewhere. And all the hippies have their own name for it anyway because... well, they're like that, you're gonna find out so you might as well keep it simple.

The hippies were mostly ponies, deer and even a few buffalo, griffons and goats. Many fillies, colts and kids from all groups played games outside of the ring of the base while other groups had formed the infamous drum, guitar, poetry and even interpretive dance circles that hippies commonly formed. Most of them had long manes and tails, more than a few were unkempt and most had floral arrangements either in their hair or on their bodies. But there was something even more distinctive and unique about them: they all wore clothes. Hats, glasses, shirts, pants of all kinds, jackets, there was an astronaut there for no gotdamn reason followed by Patton Oswalt and all the ponies and creatures were wearing clothes. Even the animals with them, two of which were tigers and one of which was an actual polar bear wearing a hawaiian shirt.

"SEE?!" Dan yelled, pointing. "They can't do that to my base!"

"By the way guys, we're landing," Gust said. "You think they'll think we're aliens?"

Dan looked blankly back at the griffon. "Someone wake up Tuxley, send him out there first."

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