• Published 12th Aug 2013
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Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) - Barrobroadcaster



The story of a man named Dan and all his friends in Equestria.

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Segway

"While we're at it, I'd also like to give a shout-out to my friend Dr. Eggman who-"CRANG!! Before Vice could finish his sentence, Dan had snuck up behind him with the segway. During the villain's attempted reference, the human had managed to retrieve Vice's luxury scooter and, wielding it like a baseball bat, had attempted to smack Vice Grip in the side of the head with it.

That had been the plan, anyway.

"What… the…"

Vice turned his head to Dan and smiled. "See? We are a lot alike."

Dan wasn't sure what had happened exactly but somehow, Vice had anticipated his attack. With a single outstretched metal gauntlet, Vice had blocked the segway mid-strike and held it in midair. He grabbed the scooter from Dan with the same hand and lowered it to the ground like retrieving a dangerous object from a child.

Chrys looked dumbfounded at the display. "How did he…?"

"No…" Dan shook his head. "No, no WAY you have some kind of super-reflexes or some garbage."

"I don't," Vice happily replied. "But I don't need to when I can see your reflection in the camera lens," he said, turning back to face the camera. "And I'd like to say to the good doctor, I found your design for the Egg Carrier to be truly inspiring. I'll be taking it."

"Dan, I don't think that's a good idea while he's got those gloves on," Phoenix said.

"Why not? It's six of us against one of him. You're a lawyer, she's a magical princess, she's a magical queen, Spike's a dragon and we don't even know what Fluffle Puff is," Dan said.

Phoenix scratched his chin, noticing Dan left something out. "And what are you, in all of this?"

"I'm me."

"Uh, right," the lawyer remarked. "Good point."

"You hold him down, I'll hit him with the segway," Dan said enthusiastically.

"And what if his gloves trigger the sword spells or something?" Phoenix asked.

Twilight's eyes went wide. "That could be exactly what he wants!"

"Hahaha," Vice chuckled. "Yes, the thought of using Dan's rage had occurred to me but there were too many variables involved. Instead, I have more proper motivations for you."

"And those are?" Dan asked.

Vice waved a metallic hand to his side. "Come now, Dan, let's not be so hostile. This can all work to your advantage and you'll see I really do have Equestria's best interests at heart. But for now, if you'll come with me, I've-"

The doors to the shopping center opened. Out poured bright, fluorescent light eclipsed by a shadowy figure. The group turned their attention to the cloaked individual as they practically hovered towards them.

"We have a problem," the hooded figure said to Vice, loud enough for the others to here.

"And… this is who exactly?" Chrys asked.

"Or what," Dan added.

Phoenix took a step back. "It's… it's you!"

The hooded figure lifted its hood briefly revealing a pale muzzle and an almost scarred-looking smile. "Hello Mr. Wright," the creature said in almost sing-song voice.

"You're the one who gassed me in Canterlot!" the lawyer said, pointing.

"I didn't want you ruining the surprise, Nick. I'm sure you understand," the Director said. The upright figure then turned to Vice.

"What's the problem?" Vice asked.

"Zeal's troops have dealt with Celestia and Luna quicker than anticipated. They're on their way to Canterlot now- will be there in two days."

"Is there any way we can speed up the others?"

"Not at this time, no," the Director lowered his head again, allowing the hood to obscure his face once more. "More direct action may be necessary."

"So?" Vice asked. "We'll send Lightning Claw."

"Wait a minute," Twilight interrupted. "What did you mean about Celestia and Luna?"

"Yeah!" Spike walked up. "What's going on with them?"

Twilight had had enough. She advanced forward on the pair, wings spread and horn glowing. "I've had enough of your games, professor. Where are my brother and sister? Now, Vice Grip!" she stomped.

Vice, suddenly feeling threatened, turned to Twilight. "I'll take you to them right away," he quickly leaned in to the Director and whispered, "Send Lightning Claw to slow them down."

"That's the other thing. Lightning's not responding."

Vice pinched his brow. "Okay… we'll just have to improvise, then. Get back to base and prepare the network."

The Director's smile reappeared again. "And the Stables?"

"And the Stables," Vice said.

"Now!!" Twilight demanded.

"Quit stalling!" Dan added.

"Of course," Vice said, smiling. He began leading the group towards the entrance of the mall. "I'm sure Shining Armor and Cadence will be happy to see you."

Dan and company followed the scientist into the shopping mall. Immediately, the vicinity felt both familiar and wrong to each of them. The shopping mall was circular, a ring of restaurants around them leading away from the entrance. Directly ahead of them, the floor lowered into a central area where tables and chairs surrounded a hexagonal hub of elevators in the center. Enormous tubes of crystal lead up to the ceiling and further up, with multiple floors attaching to the central shaft via walkways.

"Well… at least the Crystal Ponies are all right," Chrys commented.

"Um…" Phoenix looked around. "Are they?"

All around them and throughout the hive-like shopping mall were the crystal ponies… or, at least they should've been. Twilight noticed right away that their coats were no longer shimmering like crystal. But they did shimmer like something else: steel.

"What… what have you done?" Twilight asked, gasping.

"Like what I've done with the place? Convenience is a fringe benefit to bringing the future to Equestria but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it," the villain remarked.

Dan recognized all too much, as did Phoenix. Restaurants and businesses in Equestria, while many mirrored Earth's brands, were not entirely the same. Some paralleled, some contrasted but the ones in Vice's shopping mall were genuine. They weren't ponifications, they weren't mirrors, these were the actual franchises. It made Dan's skin crawl.

All around him were things Dan had personally declared he would get revenge on. And that's when he realized… they were all the things he listed in his phone and texted to Chris. The last thing he did on Earth.

Sid Meyer's Taco Island, Starbucks, Burgerphile, Happy Hocotate Savings & Loan, Go Nook Yourself, Malo Express Mart, Commander Shepard's Flavorite Snow Cone Store on the Citadel(requested by Lightning Claw), a Poke'Mart, two identical Hot Topics right next to each other, a branch of the animal shelter Dan tried to burn down, the bank that declined Chris' credit card when he tried to use it, the other bank that declined Elise' credit card, debit card and phony checks written by her when Dan tried to cash them, every entity Dan had sworn revenge upon was arrayed around him like a galleria of hatred. In the back behind the elevators, there was even a gallery Dan hated.

"Huh…" Phoenix remarked. "Sure is a lot of selection around here. But no sushi place? That's a bit odd."

"Why's that?" Dan asked, voice angry but clearly not at Phoenix.

"Well, I'm used to there being asian restaurants in places like this," the lawyer commented. "I don't see one here."

Dan turned to the taller human. "Where are you from on Earth, exactly?"

Phoenix shrugged. "Usually either Los Angeles or Tokyo, depending on the version."

"Ah yeah," Dan said. "In the German version of Dan Vs., I'm from Munich."

"Really?"

"No."

"What have you done to the crystal ponies?" Twilight asked, following Vice closer than the others. "Why do they look like-"

"Twilight," Chrys grabbed her by the shoulder, "look." She pointed to the central elevator core.

In between the elevators was the original pedestal that held the Crystal Heart. But the Crystal Heart now didn't look anything like a crystal. The iconic artifact so important to the empire, so important to Equestria looked more like kid's science experiment than a sacred jewel. Tubes and wires were connected to it, running from the top and sides at equal intervals down the length of the pedestal and even up into the ceiling. The heart itself looked like a piece of iron, a heart-shaped chunk of metal pressed out of a sheet.

Twilight broke from her friends' side and ran to it, then flew. She didn't even realize she was using her wings as they carried her as quickly as they could to the artifact.

"The… the Crystal Heart! What did you do to it?!" Twilight said, on the verge of tears.

"Twilight!!" her brother's voice called.

"Shining!" she called back. Her head twisted, searching for him. Her heart sank as the thought crossed her mind: was he somehow inside the Crystal… or Steel Heart?!

"Down here!"

Twilight realized she was standing on a glass floor. She looked down to see Shining and Cadence underneath her hooves in another room, an antechamber of some sort.

"Twily, we're so happy to see you!"

"I'm happy to see you!" Twilight said back.

"Thank goodness you came!" Cadence said.

Twilight focused her magic, trying to teleport but something went wrong. Instead of teleporting, she smacked right up against the glass.

"It's no good, Twilight," Shining said. "It's some kind of anti-magic barrier. The same kind that was in front of the castle just last month."

"We'll get you out! We'll get you out, somehow! Just hang in there!" Twilight turned around. Again, she kicked off the ground and flew without even really thinking about it. Her friends were proud of her for doing so but she wasn't looking at them. Twilight's eyes were fixated directly on Vice Grip.

The scientist wore a smug smile. "I think you grasp the situation now."

"I do," Twilight said stoically. "Dan, get me the segway."

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