• Published 12th Aug 2013
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Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) - Barrobroadcaster



The story of a man named Dan and all his friends in Equestria.

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Rad: Maybe New Jersey

It was very clear something had changed about Appleloosa. Dan, Doctor Whooves and Rarity hadn't exactly frequented the western town very many times, but it was very obvious something was off. Of course, given their circumstances, they were expecting things to have changed. Dan especially was getting used to things just going from bad to worse for whatever reason.

What he could never get used to was things getting stupider for whatever reason.

Several of the buildings were taped together. Scotch-taped together, not even duct-taped. Another one had been made out of cardboard boxes and next to it, literally a house of cards. A pool of water was leaking out of a three-story flophouse and onto the street. Dan was able to tell it was a new structure when he noticed it was next to the original Appleloosa telegraph office/museum. It was the only building he recognized.

"What... in the name of the princesses... happened to this place?" Rarity asked.

"It's the end of the world as we know it," Whooves said, swallowing. "And I feel... nauseous."

"Just when I thought I was starting to like Appleloosa's rustic charm, the old west becomes the cold waste," Dan remarked. A line of hitching posts for wagons jutted out towards the street as they walked by. The hitching rail was covered in spikes and twisted barbs, wrapped in razor wire and appeared to be slick wet with something. All in all, it looked very unsanitary and sharp, so they purposefully gave it a wide berth as they passed.

"Oh... oh, I think that's the saloon," Rarity said, a clear pang of regret in her voice. All of the Appleloosa saloon's windows were broken, some were missing and others just had massive, gaping holes where they once were.

"Doesn't look like it's changed that much," Dan said, trying to cheer her up a bit. A second later, the saloon doors flapped open and a half-naked raider ran out. He was followed by another raider wearing three sets of broken goggles and the brim of a hat around his waist. The second raider aimed a burning blender at the fleeing raider and a jet of flames exploded from it, blasting 'goggles' back into the bar and hitting the runner square in the back. Raider one fell over, scorched black, only to have a trio of timberwolves drag his body down an alley.

"See?" Dan said. "Hasn't.. changed that much at all, really."

Doctor Whooves pulled down the flap of his disguise over his mouth. "Hasn't changed MUCH? Do you not notice the man being eaten alive right now?"

"Hey, that happened in Appleloosa before."

"PEOPLE WERE EATEN ALIVE IN APPLELOOSA?!!?"

"Well, not like all the freaking time, but I mean, this is the west and there ARE bugbears out here," Dan said defensively.

"Dan," Rarity shook her head, "this is not business as usual for Appleloosa."

"Right right right, fine. Let's try the inn next," Dan said, and led them onward.

Their disguises worked well enough. They were passed by a few vagrants. Some walked on two legs, some walked on four legs or more but there were no other ponies. A couple zebras and a few yaks, one skinny centaur walked past them trying to get a signal on his cell phone but none paid them too much attention. An amount of weirdness continued as well; an eggbeater that wasn't attached to anything rolled by, beating its way through the snow and a raider was carried off a building by a flock of Drifloons. Probably among the more adorable ways to die.

A Drifblim passed overhead as they walked by. Dan chanced a peek inside one of the houses to find a Gengar, Haunter and Gastly playing cards with a Dusknoir, Chandelure and a Jellicent. A Sableye was dealing. They looked up from the cards at Dan, who then immediately turned and walked away.

They reached the inn and were pleased to see it was at least intact. But then, they entered the building and whatever feeling of relief vanished.

"GRAAAAAAHHH! AAAhHHHHAAAAAAA!!"
"Give him some room!"
"Twenty bits he misses! Twenty bits he misses!"
"HAAAAAA!! HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!"

In the center of the inn's main lobby was a raider trapped inside of a cake. From the balcony, people were throwing plastic forks at either him, the cake or both. Underneath the balcony, a woman tied to a table was subjected to two men rubbing a piece of artificial lawn on her back, but it wasn't clear whether she wanted them to stop or rub harder. Two zebras were fighting each other with large stuffed teddy bears around a pool table and finally, several toddler raiders danced around a man and slowly mummified him with duct tape.

"So that's where the duct tape went," Dan remarked.

A door broke open from somewhere on the second floor and a tidal wave of barbecue sauce washed over the balcony and down to the first floor. Three completely naked people covered in sauce rode the sauce wave on top of a fourth larger naked man that had a pizza taped to the top of his head. Clearly, he was in charge, or at least he was until the sauce wave carried them into the cake, destroying it and ending their ride.

"AGAIN! AGAIN!" the pizza man shouted. "I AM VICTORIOUS ONCE MORE! I DEMAND WE GO AGAIN!"

And that was when an older man dressed as an older woman walked up to the pizza man and beat him in the head from behind with a broken metal detector. The pizza man fell to the ground but the elder crossdressing raider did not let up, finally burying the metal detector into the pizza.

"It is NOT Wednesday. IT WILL NEVER BE WEDNESDAY. EVER!!" the drag raider roared. He stomped off, leaving the others in a mellow silence to reflect on their actions.

Dan was watching this display, utterly confused when a surprisingly dressed, bald man walked up to him from the side. He was quietly cleaning a glass in his hand with a handcloth. He looked like the owner.

"I would tell them to stop, but you know, they're going to do this somewhere, so it might as well be here. Besides, I had fifty bits on the cake being destroyed," the man said casually.

"Are you the owner?" Dan asked.

"Nope," the man said, and continued onward. As he walked away, Dan realized the man was not wearing pants. Dan left.

Rarity and Doctor Whooves were in the middle of the street just outside the inn when Dan found them. They were talking to a parka-wearing diamond dog that quickly departed, dragging a long chain behind him through the snow as Dan walked up to them.

"Who the hell was that?"

The Doctor cleared his throat. "He didn't mention a name, but he apparently was trying to sell us his slaves."

"His what?" Dan asked.

"Imaginary slaves," Whooves said. "That dog was trying to sell us imaginary slaves."

"I don't like Appleloosa any more..." Rarity said.

"This isn't Appleloosa," Dan exclaimed. "Obviously they've found a way to summon cities! They've summoned L.A on top of Appleloosa. That's why it's so shitty. And insane."

"Oh, come on. You don't know that."

"Fine, maybe it's New Jersey."

"Dan," Whooves interrupted, "I've seen this happen before. This isn't even Equestria any more. Because the-"

"The whole world ended, I get it, for the FIFTEENTH TIME, I GET IT."

"There's no function to this place any more," Whooves explained. "Without ponies, magic or friendship, there's no meaning to this place. Anyone can just come in and do whatever they want. So Team Rocket's stealing things, zebras are fighting, the diamond dogs are selling things and the psychopathic raiders are... being psychopathic raiders."

Dan nodded, finally understanding. "So things are going to keep getting weirder until we get the princesses back."

"Not necessarily," Rarity interjected. "Team Rocket isn't insane, they're just greedy. But I do believe he's saying more of these trespassers are going to arrive in Equestria until something is done."

"Where are these idiots even coming from? Don't they have anywhere else to be?"

"If we find where the ponies are being sent, we might be able to get them back and get everyone else to leave," Doctor Whooves said.

"There's one place we still have to check- the clocktower. Let's go."

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