Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1)

by Barrobroadcaster

OSP: The Gloves are Comin' Off

Halberd Base
"Cogsdale" Superweapon completion rate: 97%

The door slammed awkwardly loudly as General Winter shut it behind him. It announced his presence to the rest of the ponies in the staff room, who quieted upon noticing him. It wasn't his intent and he awkwardly stared at his assembled subordinates for a good few moments before he finally continued walking up to the projector. The majority of the base's troopers were in the room, filling it all the way to the back. The squadron leaders occupied classroom-style desks near the front including Captain Springer.

General Winter knew what he was supposed to be like- leader of the Enclave, the Director wanted him to exude an aura of cold confidence and intimidation, the calculated mind of a tactical genius and military commander one could expect to conquer Equestria. What he was was an inept former weather operator the Cloudsdale Weather Management team only trusted to handle logistics during winter when they needed extra help. In short, he wasn't qualified to lead a kickball team, much less a paramilitary insurrectionist organization.

"*Ah-herm*," he cleared his throat, "We've received uh..."

"Intelligence, sir."

"Intelligence that an attack on this base is imminent." He paused to let that news sink in but apparently it wasn't news. He was surprised at the lack of surprise. Apparently, his news had only been news to him. "Um... anyway, Dan's on his way here now and our source says he has the firepower to at least breach the base's defenses."

A few murmurs indicated the Enclave pegasi had not already known that fact. Captain Springer raised her hoof. "What sort of ordinance is it?"

"A bomber, from what we understand. But, he apparently has a plan to cut through each layer of our defenses through... diversionary tactics."

"What, like a distraction?"

The general nodded. "Blast Fuse and Blast Powder- Hydra Squadron's own former demolitions experts are with him. We expect they will be aiding him in getting through our shields somehow. We will not let that happen," Sharp said, starting to pace. "The chancellor has made it clear that there can be no retreat. We've been assigned the rest of Raptor Wing and also Dread Wing and Venom Wing. Together with our pegasi here already, that puts our numbers over three-hundred battle-ready combat units."

More excited comments this time. Ponies discussed among themselves the ramifications of what they were being told, what all this meant.

Springer looked at her hooves, as if she could see each and every unit, each and every pegasus before her. "That's... the entire Enclave, sir."

General Winter held his own hooves up like he was counting. Halfway through, he stopped. "Well, most of it, anyway. Hammer, Sickle and Rook Squadrons are remaining at Prosperity to maintain air defense there but the rest of the Enclave is being recalled from active deployments to... uh, here. Also, because Cogsdale is almost complete, it will be launched when Dan gets here to give him a bit of a surprise," he said, grinning.

The other ponies looked excited at that remark. Counter-surprising a surprise attack was a good plan. Even going against Dan, this had a chance to work. But Springer didn't look convinced.

"But sir," she waved her hoof, "if we already have the turrets, Cogsdale and the troops we have here, why are we getting so many reinforcements? Won't this leave the other bases vulnerable?"

The general nodded again. "It will. There is another reason we're rallying the whole Enclave. We're committing all of our forces to this base because we have received word that Dan is doing the same. He is risking it all... including the last of his air defenses. The last pegasi loyal to Celestia."

The room became loud suddenly. Even the ponies who had been silently listening were now excited by the prospect of this counter-attack. They all knew what this meant: with the other pegasi from Cloudsdale still their prisoners, the Enclave would be the last active pegasi in Equestria. The skies would truly belong to them and they would reign unchallenged as the only creatures that could fly. That was their dream, their ultimate goal: to own the skies.

Once the Enclave controlled the skies, they would use the weather as they saw fit. Not only that, they would outlaw the use of airships, balloons, planes and anything else that flew and wasn't a pegasi. No longer would they be at the mercy of waiting for blimps to get out of the way, no more would helicopters chop up their clouds or airships pollute their sky. The skies would be for pegasi alone. And then, they would reach higher.

Another pegasus squadron leader, Staccato aka "Stacks", raised his own hoof. "What's Dan's air support, sir? How many units?"

Sharp Winter hesitated for a moment, looked away and considered his words carefully. "Well... there's just one squadron. Apparently, they were called in after Cloudsdale was destroyed."

It was obvious he was hiding something. "What's the name of the squadron, sir?" Springer asked.

"Rogue Squadron," Winter said.

Every pegasus became silent again. They all turned their eyes, now worried, to the front of the room. Some of them were begging they misheard him, others hoping it was some kind of a joke.

"Are... you sure?" Springer asked, lowering her hoof and sinking back into her chair.

Sharp nodded quickly. "We are. IFF matches, as does their callsign and identification. Edge Antares is in command with Derpy serving as an advisor and providing Dan with air support. They are all presently heading for us. And we will hold out against them."

"Hold out?" Staccato repeated. "They're Rogue Squadron! No one holds out against them!" he said, standing.

"They could be here already... they could be scoping out the base right now!"

"The Shadowbolts, maybe, the Wonderbolts, sure but not the Rogues!"

"I didn't sign up for this! I'm getting outta here!"

"SETTLE DOWN!" General Sharp Winter bellowed. "All of you... just sit down and shut up!"

They all obeyed him, for what it was worth. He was flustered not just at their own reaction but at himself. He knew he was afraid of them, too and for good reason. Very good reason.

Rogue Squadron was a lot like the Enclave: they were fans who took their love for something and applied it to their lives in Equestria. But while the Enclave were fans of Fallout: Equestria, the Rogues were fans of a series of old, worn books from the back of the Golden Oakes Library- the Star Wars: X-Wing novels from the nineties, the comics and the games that bore the Rogue Squadron name. They had even been offered to join the Enclave but had declined long ago for reasons only they knew. Like Daring Do, it appeared they worked alone. Or rather, within their own team and their own terms.

The fact that both groups of ponies were hardcore fans and pegasi were where the similarities ended. While the Enclave took their obsession too seriously, Rogue Squadron did not. Edge Antares and the ponies calling themselves Rogue Squadron volunteered to protect Equestria's borders and the very fringes of Equestrian territory as a civil air patrol service. It's largely a very demanding and difficult job that requires constant vigilance and a willingness to obey multiple international regulations and local customs and rules simultaneously. It wasn't showy or flashy in any way, it wasn't as well recognized as the Wonderbolts, it was incredibly dangerous and as a job, it wasn't even clearly defined. But it was necessary to keep Equestria safe.

When Rogue Squadron first arrived at the furthest of Equestrian lands, trouble stopped. Stories about the Rogues' heroism became the stuff of legend: they fought pirates, smugglers, renegade dragons, storms, canine raiders with jetpacks, Gust Grasp's griffons on multiple occasions, criminals of every stripe, color and species and even the windegos. Unlike the Enclave, ponies in Equestria looked at Rogue Squadron as something more than fans- they were real. Rumors began to circulate that they were the actual heroes from the book in pony form, though their leader, Edge, would be the first to deny this.

They had been awarded many medals and commendations, all of which had to be accepted on their behalf. They remained on patrol and in service to Equestria, knights of the air, not quite black or white. And over three-hundred missions later, they were undefeated.

"I know what this all means," Sharp said, pacing again.

"It means we're screwed. We're screwed, man!" Thorn, the leader of Mace Squadron, yelled and got up.

Even Captain Springer got up. "We have to evacuate the base! Launch the Cogsdale to cover our Flutterbirds and set the base to self-destruct!"

"We're not going anywhere," Winter said firmly. "This is our chance! Our chance to finally rid Equestria of Dan, of Derpy, and yes, of Rogue freaking Squadron and take the skies for ourselves! We'll finally have what we wanted, we'll be the REAL Grand Pegasus Enclave and cover the whole planet in clouds from pole to pole! The stratosphere will be our kingdom and we will rule as angels above the forsaken Earth below! Just as Commander Hurricane always wanted! AEGIS SEMPER CAELUM!!" he saluted valorously. A salute which was returned by only a few reluctant pegasi.

"Aegis semper caelum!" Springer shouted. Despite their bravery, several of the Enclave ponies had already left, either out of fear or to use the vending machines in the hallway.

For the rest of them, Sharp pulled down a projector screen at the front of the room. "*Ah-herm,* Anyway, out defense plan is straight-forward. In order to help prepare you for... what is to come, we've prepared for you a short film. Ehh... enjoy."

"We're no strangers to love~"

"OH, gawddammit!!"

"You know the rules, and so do-"

"SHUT IT OFF! Shut it off, shut it off!" The projector switched off. "Friggin lawyers... I'm gonna kill Payne."

"It's not my fault! Someone replaced the reel with-"

"SHUDDUP!" the general yelled again. "Find the real reel or the next court you'll be in will be the one that sentences you to the firing squad!"

"Gah!" Writhe N. Payne panicked, nearly knocking off the projector and his own glasses as he struggled to find the correct film. He quickly flipped the same reel upside down and fed it back into the projector again. Somehow, it worked.

~FIST and Friends Presents~
Dive into Divorce: How Splitting Up can be Splendiferous!
with your pals, Troy McClure and Cuba Gooding Jr.

A yellow-skinned man and a guy in a blue dinosaur costume walked to the center of the screen from opposite directions. They stood in the middle of a picturesque green field on a bright sunny day.

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure," the yellow one said. "You might remember me from such legal films as Ernest Goes to a Concentration Camp and The Walking Dead: The Musical. But today, I'm here to talk to you about something we all go through at least twice in your life- divorce."

The costumed man took off his dinosaur outfit's head to speak. "That's right, Troy. Hi, I'm Cuba Gooding Jr. and you might remember me from, well, when I had a career. Like when I played Rod in Jerry Maguire. I got an academy award for that role."

"It's no secret that the divorce rate is higher than it's ever been. And that means the time to get out is now!" Troy said ecstatically, taking a Captain Morgan pose. "Divorce attorneys are ready right now to turn the codependent estate you and your beloved spouse have been working on into mostly yours and very little theirs! Did you buy a car or house while you were married? Afraid you'll have to share it with your husband/wife forever? With the right counsel representing you, it can be one-hundred percent yours even if their income was what paid off most of it in the first place!"

"I was in Radio. Pearl Harbor! A Few Good Men! I was in movies, real movies! What the hell happened?!"

"But I know what you're asking- 'Troy, how is a divorce attorney going to get me what should belong to both parties when we signed a prenuptial agreement?' Well, that's simple: through the magic of legal manipulation!"

"If people are gonna say I screwed up because of Snow Dogs well, you know what? Those people can go screw themselves. Even Will Smith did Shark Tale and Shyamalan's still signing off on everything he does! This is not fair!" Cuba looked around, as if searching for someone to blame. "Where the heck is Bruckheimer or Bay? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A JOB AGAIN?!"

"Hahah!" Troy laughed irrelevantly, "That's right, Billy. As it turns out, the term "abuse" has never been more broad in the courtroom right now. And using this term and many others like it, a divorce attorney can help you craft a story that makes you seem like the "victim."

"You know what? Screw this," Cuba said, throwing down the dinosaur head and walking offscreen. "I am going to find a director who's willing to work with me! They canNOT give every role to freaking Chris Hemsworth and Kevin Hart! I'm gonna FIND one of their roles!" The actor declared, his angry rant fading into the distance.

"I'm glad you asked that, Billy. And I was just about to tell our nice, new friends here how to start crafting their case so they can save even more money when consulting with the lawyers," Troy said. The camera zoomed in on the Simpsons character's face. "This and more information can be picked up in part-two of Dive into Divorce: How Splitting Up can be Splendiferous! We'll see you then, folks!"

~Fin~
A Time Turner Production

The film ended and the projector turned off. General Sharp Winter walked to the front of the room again, switched back on the lights and asked, "Are there any questions?" The sight of the mostly-empty room answered him.

About half the Enclave ponies had left before the film started and another quarter had left somewhere in the middle. By the time the film ended, only the ponies sitting in the front of the room were still there, including Springer.

Spinner, sitting cross-legs next to her wingpony, raised her hoof. "What the heck did that have to do with defending the base?"

The general grumbled in response and walked out.

Author's Note:

I know we said we wouldn't do another 'Decepticons chapter' but we really wanted to add this one.

As far as General Sharp Winter goes, we actually went through a couple design changes on him before we decided on the current iteration. Originally, Sharp Winter was designed to be a cold and merciless sub-villain, allied with Vice Grip to suit his own needs. Another design we had for Winter was that he was a pegasus so devoted to the Enclave, he hardly ever even used his legs to walk and just flew to the point where his leg muscles atrophied and he had to use an icy cane when standing.

Ultimately, none of these designs really interested us or fit; the Director supplies the cold and calculating part of villainy and Vice Grip provides the merciless, cruelty and devotion as far as antagonists. Not only that, Captain Springer represents dedication enough to the Enclave. So, we decided it would be a lot more fun to make the leader of the Enclave a fucking moron instead and changed his I.Q. from around two-hundred to approximately walnut.

So, now we have the incompetent current version of General Sharp Winter and as a fun fact, he is implied to be related to Harshwhinney in some way. We hope you enjoy him because he won't last much longer.

Comments

[Booster Spice]

Someones bound to Visqueen the Windscreen with Vasquen?

Who is that a knock, knock, knocking on my door?

Its Dan, and hes Raven mad.

[Dustchu]

Hahahaha, what an awesome chapter, nicely done dude.
Troy McClure? I've heard that name somewhere...

Ee, regardless I'm happy to see more of this, so nice job dude!

[Barrobroadcaster]

You may remember him from... the Simpsons and his "You may remember me from..." videos

[Dustchu]

7504193
Ooooooh! Hahaha, now I remember, hehe, those were hilarious.
Nice!

[Razzy]

... And ponies were worried about these morons.

The skies would truly belong to them and they would reign unchallenged as the only creatures that could fly.

I believe a certain other race with very sharp and deadly beaks, talons, claws and a metric fuckton of stolen science fiction technology and equipment would disagree with you on that.

[JakeAndDollars]

It's funny how you say walnut right when I was thinking peanut, but then when I read it over again I remembered that there are two nuts in a peanut shell. And as the saying goes, two heads are better than one...

I would have gone to the vending machines too...

Then stole... Borrowed a flutterbird for a joy ri... Patrol...

~Dollars

[LadyLeomon]

Oh my Oprah, this chapter (despite the glaring lack of Dan) was splendiferous! Is it weird I'm gonna miss General Winter? ... Meh, I'll get over it. Whatever knocks him out of the story (most likely something Dan threw) I hope it takes that irritating Springer too!

So even the Enclave is scared of Rogue Squadron? That's how awesome Derpy is

Wait ... *re-reads Author's Note* he's related to the pony who decides where the Equestrian Games are held? Wow ... she must be from a much sharper branch intellect-wise, haha!

Thank you for the bi-weekly updates, I can't tell you how spoilt I feel! After a crappy day I need a pick-me-up of funny, or something to make a good day better!

Awesome as always and see you next chapter ^_^