Zulu: Ronald Reagan's Revenge
"Madame, that was most uncalled for!" Tuxley said, dusting his hat off. "Certainly, we could discuss this like civil-"
"DIE, FASCISTS, DIE!!" Several more tables cascaded down. The alicorn calling herself Flower Power had now fully activated her powers, summoning the strength of the natural world into her body. Unlike Celestia, Flower Power's mane rippled and waved end-to-end instead of flowing in one part. Her hair was like a multitude of long grass leaves, bending and waving in motion. Surrounding her was an aura of radiant green magic with an inner sphere of orange magic, both translucent and glowing.
As a point of magical strategy, colors, forms and visual effects of magic often indicated type and strength. Although magic itself often worked in the realm of unpredictable and impossible, it had certain tells that a keen student like Twilight could pick up on. Auras were specialized spells designed to harness magic from surrounding sources, allowing users to tap into and harness energy of various and often specific types from the environment and/or others. In combat, use of an aura was considered a buffing and preparatory maneuver used to further enhance other spells. Using an aura, an magic-user created a bond between themselves and a specific form of magic from the area round them, allowing them to use magic easier, faster and to draw on a larger energy pool.
The drawback to such a maneuver was tied in with the environment: dramatic shift in the area could affect the caster and the aura would often diminish if the caster went beyond the area or things they bonded to. There are exceptions to this and summoning a dual aura indicated Flower Power had incredible magic potency. Twilight had only seen Celestia herself perform a tri-aura barrier, though Twilight believes it could be possible to create a bond between all things, thereby allowing access to limitless magic. Theoretically, anyway.
Before the tables could collide with them, Twilight shielded the group. Separated from the others, Chrys did the same to defend Tuxley, Reginald and Metal Fluffle/Fluttershy.
"So what happened to diplomacy?!" Dan asked/yelled at Twilight. "What happened to "we can't kill all these hippies, Dan"?"
"They've gone insane or something!" Twilight said. A fryer from the kitchen smashed against her shield. She concentrated, holding the bonded energy together with her horn. She looked back up at the other alicorn, glowing above them. "Something's corrupted them!"
Dan turned around inside Twilight's shield. "They're not corrupted, they're just hippies. This is what they do!"
"They go berserk with magic and try to kill everything to prevent violence?" Phoenix asked, ducking in the shield with Spike.
"Well... not every time. But a lot." He leaned casually against the pink-purple shield bubble. Just beyond it, the hippies pounded on the barrier, moaning like zombies as they did so. One of them even bit at the spot Dan leaned his arm against. "Okay... so now that we've identified as the hippies as evil... and we have identified the hippies as evil, right?"
"YES!" they all yelled.
"I just wanted to make sure we're all on the same page. Both figuratively and literally, seeing as how we're in a page in a story. Does anyone else think that's just a little bit funny?"
"GET ON WITH IT!!" they bellowed.
"Kinda," Spike admitted.
"So how do we get out of here?" Dan asked. "I'm guessing teleporting is out of the question as usual."
"I'd have to lower the shield to do another spell and I can only teleport like some of us at one time! I can't even move while doing the shield!" Twilight yelled, wincing as her shield spell took another blow from a cafeteria table. "Hurry up, Dan! They're gonna start throwing the taco supplies at us next!"
"Hmmm," Dan thought, leaning his full weight against the bubble. "What to do-HAAA!" the shield shifted, rolling them all a bit. Twilight stumbled, causing the shield to be waiver for a moment before she stood up again and it reformed. Dan noticed it... and it gave him an idea. He turned around and examined the wall of the bubble they were in. And then he looked at the hippies in front of them and a devious grin spread across his face. "Eu-freaking-reka."
"What?!"
He walked over to Twilight. "You said you can't move while shielding us?"
"No! I mean, yes! I can't AAHG! move!" Twilight yelled. In front of them, the hippies were now using power tools to try and breach the shield. Across from them, a group of hippies were attempting to eat Chrys' green shield, apparently having mistook it for some sort of large, translucent vegetable.
Dan rubbed his chin. "Nicky, grab Spike and get over here."
"Okay..." the lawyer said skeptically. Spike rode on Phoenix's shoulders as he walked over. "What are you planning?"
Dan grabbed Twilight's forelegs. Chrys' girlfriend senses prickled just a bit, causing her to look over. But there was no cause for alarm. "Okay, grab her back legs."
"What?" Twilight asked.
"Just focus on the shield, Twilight. Nicky, help me pick her up."
"Ahh," Phoenix said. "Okay, I see where you're going with this."
"What do you mean? What does he mean?" Twilight asked frantically as she was lifted. "What are you doing?!"
Dan grinned again. "We're going bowling. Okay Nicky, on me; one-"
"Bowling? Wait," Twilight looked at the hippies, then at the shield around her. "Oh no."
"Two-"
"Oh boy, can I stretch first?" (That's important whenever preparing for extensive physical exercise... and revenge, I guess."
"THREE!!" Dan stepped forward and Phoenix followed in-step with him. The shield started to roll.
The hippies watched as their tools and makeshift weapons slid off the barrier and for a moment, tried to understand what was happening while backing up, wondering why the shield was moving towards them. And then, the answer became apparent. They had time to look up before the giant orb of magic crushed them.
Dan and Phoenix, carrying Twilight, walked the shield-ball over the hippies, crushing them underfoot. The ball flattened them and rolled on.
"Omaigawsh, I'm sorry," Twilight said, apologizing to the hippy-zombies. "Dan, do we really have to do this?"
"Ehh-heh-heh-yeah-ahahahaaha!" Dan laughed maniacally, nodding with a twisted gleam in his eye. He continued pushing the ball towards the other groups of hippies, walking Twilight and forcing Phoenix to follow his moves.
"I think Dan's gone full-vengeance mode," Phoenix said. "We're just gonna have to roll with it."
"Did you really have to make that pun?" Spike asked, sitting on the lawyer's shoulders.
"Pun? Oh, that was kind of a pun, wasn't it? Heh heh... yeah, I'm sorry," Phoenix said. Spike face-clawed.
But Dan was laughing. Not at the pun, but at the hippies he was rolling the ball towards. It began to pick up speed.
"Down with the baby-killers!"
"Make peace, not war!"
"Save the wha-AAAAAAAHHH!" The hippies tried to protest, as not all had done enough of the merryjane(poison joke version of marijuana) to become zombified or otherwise affected by it, but the ball continued rolling. Dan crushed them beneath it as he and Phoenix carried Twilight, rolling the giant hamster-shield-ball at group after group of hippies.
"Hahaha! HAHAHA!" Dan laughed. With every group he crushed, he picked up speed, walking faster and forcing Phoenix to do the same until they were running. "HAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"I'm scared," Twilight said.
"Me too," Spike added.
"I'm getting tired," Phoenix said, panting.
"KEEP GOING!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!!"
High above them, Flower Power watched as her hippies were smashed in droves. Hooves crossed, she rhythmically pounded on a set of drums. "What is wrong with you fools?! Get up! Get back up, stop them!" Like the zebras, the beat of the bongos was actually magical itself and a sort-of musical spell. The rhythm of the bongos frequently rejuvenated those under Flower Power's control, healing their injuries. Unfortunately, Dan was crushing the hippies faster than the drum could revitalize them.
"HAHAHAHA! WAAHAHAAAAHAHAHA!!!" Dan now sprinted in the ball, bouncing it off the walls and into crowds of hippies. It was like a giant pink-purple pinball that bounced around and crushed them. It even made the same sound effect from one of those Sonic the Hedgehog pinball games. I don't know which one; just take your pick. The first Adventure, maybe from the Casinopolis zone. You should probably go with that one since we're using Casinopolis in the story at a later point.
"Stop it! Stop crushing my-" Flower Power's magic aura began to fade. "Wha-wha-a-AAAAHH!!" she fell, landing on the floor amidst her followers. "Jack...booted... bastards. Where are you?" She had time to look around and see them coming before they ran her hippy ass over. Flower Power was smashed into the floor, her drums flattened in front of her.
Dan either didn't notice or didn't care that the hippy leader had been taken care of. The shield orb burst out of the cafeteria and continued into the hallway. Although the ball was too big for the corridors of the base, the magic shield molded itself to contour to the shape of the walls, kind of like one of those... things that does that. If you can come up with something, let me know, but the shield continued to roll down the corridor, bashing and squashing hippies as it did. Most did not react fast enough to get out of the way while others were too preoccupied and didn't see it coming.
"AHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!!" Dan laughed with rampageous delight. "THIS IS THE GREATEST MAGIC SPELL OF ALL TIME!! WAHAHAHAHA!"
"Can we... please stop after this?" Phoenix asked, sweating and panting.
"WHEN WE CLEAR THE WHOLE BASE, NICKY!" Dan yelled.
"It's probably for the best, Phoenix, because if you stopped now, you'd wind up tripping and getting rolled over in here," Twilight said.
"I'll... keep that... in mind." (Along with volunteering NOT TO DO THE RUNNING NEXT TIME!) The ball continued to roll through the halls, crushing the hapless hippies as it did so.
On the first floor of the base, a group of hippies were waiting for the elevator to the cafeteria. The door dinged but when it opened, the shield-ball exploded from the elevator and crushed them underneath it. The ball rolled up and down stairs, through halls and rooms throughout the base, smashing hippies and even going through the first level of Donkey Kong(it replaced one of the barrels.) The ball rolled through the movie theater of the base, which coincidentally had been showing the opening sequence from Raiders of The Lost Ark but it was the Daring Do version(exactly the same but with ponies.) It rolled through Hollywood sets, through downtown Los Angeles, over George Newman(played by Weird Al) again and across a message board on 4chan.
The shield-ball finally crashed through the takeout entrance on the other side of the base, the one George Washington had attempted to lead them to but wound up only leading them in a circle. The entrance was destroyed as the ball burst through it, finally coming to a stop in the sand. Dan and Phoenix both tripped at the sudden stop, dropped Twilight and the shield disappeared.
"I don't think... a shield's ever been used that way," Twilight said, struggling to stand.
"I'm gonna wear roller-skates next time we do that," Phoenix said.
"THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF GREAT THINGS EVER!!" Dan exclaimed. "Twilight! That is our new strategy!"
"For what?"
"EVERYTHING!! The rush, the feeling of crushing them all underneath a sphere of magic it's just... exhilarating! This is the greatest feeling of revenge ever!"
"I'm happy to see you enjoyed yourself. It certainly saved our... plots," Twilight said. She laid down on her back in the sand. "Now, I'm gonna take five. We'll find out something to do with the bodies when I'm done." Spike joined her.
Phoenix got up and brushed himself off. Sand, dirt, no matter what it was, it easily came off the lawyer's incorruptible suit. "I guess we have our base back now. We should go check on the others."
"Good idea. We need to get to work on teams to use more hippy-crusher-ball spells," Dan said.
"By the way, did you notice the way those hippies got back up after we bashed them?" Phoenix asked. "It kind of reminded me of the way those zebras just stood back up after we blew them up."
"Hmmmm," Dan said, rubbing his chin.
"What do you think?"
"Dannihilation Destructo Ball... Supreme Spherical Stupidity Stomper Spell..." Dan said. "Which name sounds better?"
"Failed fascist folly into Flower Power's fortress!"
"What?" Dan asked, looking over at Phoenix. "That doesn't sound right at all."
Phoenix pointed in front of them. "Th-that wasn't me! Dan, it's-"
Flower Power, looking no worse for ware except for her mane being messed up, stood in the middle of the hole in the side of the base. Her eyes burned with rage at both of them.
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Yo, Nicky... could you Marvel 3 her face, please?
Dan uses HamsterDance.
Its Super Effective.
Hahahaha, that's... one way to use a shield spell I suppose
Nice pan Danny boy!
Hoho
Nice job Barro
For some reason, when Dan started to laugh during the pinball thing, I started hearing this:
Don't know why.
Na-naaaaaaa-na-na-na-na-na-naaa-naaa-na-katamari damacyyyyyyy!
Le gasp, Flower Power uses cheat codes too!
Shadow: There's nothing in a game worse than a boss who can regenerate itself.
You know why Dan's tactics against the hippie menace failed? He had the device to get to the center of the hippie drum circle, he had the slayer album, but he forgot to bring a zebra to heroically give their lives to save the team. Cartman wouldn't have made that mistake.
7870957 The zebras are not based on black people. Also, the hippy drum circles were still forming and had not yet reached Jam Band Festival size. Slayer and similar metal is only effective when they reach their zenith.
7871067 ...So you're saying Dan needs to build a liberal arts college one mile outside the base to lure the hippies away?
Fair enough, now that I think about it Zen Zeal seems more like he's based on Sun Tzu than anyone else.
7871126 Zen Zeal is based on a lot of things and yes, Sun Tzu is one of them, good job for making the reference. This episode has kind of been influenced by the election, as you might've noticed, with Dan and friends being sandwiched between the ultra-progressive liberal hippies and the ultranationalist fascist zebras.
Zen Zeal is a combative anti-character as opposed to Dan and Vice which are direct civilian anti-characters. So Dan and Vice are characters that can oppose and counter any other pony outside of battle, Zen can counter any character on the field of battle, as demonstrated with how he beat Celestia. He was designed as a character that like Dan and Vice, can potentially beat anyone and anything but hides his strengths while Dan and Vice flaunt them. Zeal is meant to be the first real character Dan loses to.
Here I am, a few days late (sorry!) but still here! Darn you Pokemon Sun and your Abundance of Male Salandit (I wanna catch me a perfect Female so she'll be a Salazzle ... I am not sexist that's how Nintendo made them! Why couldn't the males have a big frill like the Spitter out of JP? Anyway:
FINALLY we get to the hippy-bashing! And it was awesome! You know what? Dan's epic hippy-roller reminds me of this old PS2 game: Haven Call of the King that had a few levels where the hero ran around in an electrical sphere (cos electricity protects you from poisonous gas apparently), by Luna's Glorious Booty I haven't thought about that in year!
The video game references were so much fun to read too: Donkey Kong never gets old (never played his games myself but still a fan), Mario (only played him on the old GB but still a fan), Pinball (only ever played Pokemon version but ''), and best of all the Sonic references!
Ooh are they gonna toss Crazy Hippy Lady in the Casinopolis slot machine? I don't think hitting her three times a la Dr Robotnik (or any other old school game boss) style will do ... And I want this b!tch to be blown higher than a Rayquaza's tea time! ... Cos Rayquaza live in the ozone layer? ... It's really high? ... I'll just let myself out *closes door them immediately re-opens* Now go kick her *squee*ing arse Dan and Friends! I hope Chrysalis strangles her with her own nasty garden-grown hair extensions (that's right Lady we all know the truth!)!
Also:
Best non-dialogue quote of this chapter
Today would have been my big bro's b-day, so a sad day to be sure, thanks for giving me a smile today.
Your Eternal Fan
P.S Just curious, where was Ronald Reagan during all this? Or is it just another shout-out to US Presidents? Don't kill me please! I'm not American!
7871840 It was a reference to how Ronald Reagan was a right-wing president that in many ways was the end of the hippy movement. Happy you enjoyed it, I have a feeling you'll like the next chapter even more
This chapter's more like an illustration of society, the growth and development of ideologies and corruption when those ideologies take things too far. The hippies represent the far-left, the zebras are the far-right and Dan and the gang are quite literally stuck in the middle. It's kind of a representation of the previous US election. In a couple unpublished chapters, we have more political jokes featuring the three candidates(especially in the Blueblood episode.)
Oh wow! That was hilarious with the pinball move!!!
7877135 It's Dan Vs.... and it gets crazier.