Broke: Cucumber-Citrus Water
Canterlot Castle
"You're really miffed about the amount of humans that show up here, aren't you?" Spike asked.
Dan sneered. "It was nice when it was JUST ME. Now I find out there's been dozens here..."
"There goes the neighborhood, right?" Off-color comment from Spike: check.
But Dan just smiled. "At least I get to boss them around now. I will be the minister of all human-related activities and human... junk. And other stuff too. Who was the last human here before me?"
"Weird Al," they all replied. Except for Phoenix.
"Wait," Phoenix said. "I thought I was the last human before Dan."
Twilight turned around. "Yeah, we thought that, too. Apparently, Weird Al was here for Cheese Sandwiche's birthday party and just didn't tell anybody."
Dan looked around at them. "Why? Why would you NOT tell anybody?"
"So the moment someone arrives in Equestria from another world, they should immediately announce their presence? Maybe in song form?" Spike asked.
Dan leaned down and glared at him. "I know what you're doing. I know where you live."
"You live where I live." Spike giggled, as did Twilight and Chrys.
"Stop it."
"I take it you're going to be passing new laws, rules, regulations? Something to that effect?" Phoenix asked. "I might need you to summon a paralegal or two... or ten to handle things."
Dan slapped him on the shoulder. "No summoning, Nicky. Not unless we absolutely need it! Relax, you've got it covered. We'll get you some local help."
"Hey Nick?" Chrys asked.
"Yes?"
"Is there anyone you'd like to summon specifically from your law practice? I mean... don't you have friends on Earth worried about you?"
"Hmm, well, last time I was summoned here, there wasn't much of a time-gap when I returned." (How Edgeworth found out, I have no idea.)
"What if there's cases Nick needs to be a part of, but he can't be involved because he's here?" Chrys asked.
"Don't worry. Lawyers are pretty easy to find. I'm sure they got someone top-notch to fill in for Nicky if they need it."
Wright and Co. Law Offices
Currently under temporary new management
"Hahaha! Another case successfully cracked by Corey Rect! Am I the best or what?"
"Corey..." Maya looked at the new, young, smiling lawyer and couldn't help but feel... awkward. "This isn't easy for me to say."
"Objection! You could always write it down if it's too hard to say!"
"That's not... gawd, you're dumb."
"Objection! I know I am and so are you! Hahaha!"
"You're fired. Get out."
"Haha... ah crap. Okay I'll... I'll go back to go-kart racing, then. See ya."
As Maya watched the moron leave, she had but one thing on her mind. And she decided to make a note of it. "Trucy, could you please make sure we don't take any more applications submitted by Detective Gumshoe?"
"..."
Silence answered her. Disappointedly, Maya realized she did not have a call button at her desk to page the receptionist. Also, Trucy wasn't the receptionist and wasn't even in the building that day. She sighed to herself.
"I need a vacation."
The treasury was far larger than it seemed on the outside. Large, but also empty.
"You weren't kiddin, white horse," Dan remarked. "This place is empty."
The treasury room consisted of two floors with a large partition in the middle. Along the walls were individual vaults. Supporting the room from floor to ceiling were six immense columns ordained with the six elements of harmony ornately carved into the molding. Under normal circumstances, the room would also be nearly stuffed to the brim with gold, jewels, artifacts and valuables. Right now, as Dan had expected, it was completely empty.
"I'm guessing there's some kind of record of everything that was kept here," Phoenix said.
"Yes, we have it here," the secretary hooved it to him.
"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay." (I have no idea what any of this stuff is, but I'm gonna keep nodding and reading. At least I can tell it's a lot.)
"None of the artifacts in here were dangerous," the secretary said.
Bullion and precious stones were kept in the side vaults, things of raw monetary value. The artifacts were kept in the middle where they could be seen, examined and studied. It wasn't a museum, and most of the the items with historic and cultural value were too old or obscure for museums to be interested in. Gifts to the royal family from other countries were the most common artifacts stored there.
Dan walked up to one of the columns, the one obviously representing loyalty. The lightning bolt symbol was just like it was on the actual Element of Loyalty, similar to Rainbow Dash's cutie mark. Dan touched it, rubbed his hand around it and then brought it up to his eyes.
"No dust." He looked around. "No dust, no paint damage, no fading from the light source. Nothing." He turned back around to them.
"So... you think whatever happened here, it's like..." Chrys thought, but didn't really know where Dan was going.
But Twilight did. "Everything just disappeared. Vanished."
"Or it was never reset. Remember, the whole planet exploded. The Genesis bomb and magic brought the planet back together, but who's to say that it brought everything back exactly as it was?" Phoenix said.
"It brought everything back the way it was over three years ago. The vaults were still full three years ago," the secretary said.
"What was the last thing added to the treasury?" Dan asked.
The secretary took the ledger from Phoenix and rolled it up to the bottom. "Two pairs of earrings from Saddle Arabia, a matched set from Princess Cosmira Al-Casada and Prince Reeyem Starzala."
"Actually, we still have those," Celestia said. She pushed her tiara to the side to reveal she had another earring, a small shooting star-shaped pendant. Saddle Arabia was one of Equestria's closest allies. While Celestia and Luna had failed in their defense of the kingdom's capitol, the Saddle Arabians were nonetheless grateful for their aid. They'd suffered more than other nations during the shadow war, but still wanted to show their appreciation and friendship.
The most prized possession of the Saddle Arabians was a meteorite. In their history, the tribe of Saddle Arabian ponies were lost in a desert at night when stars began to fall from the sky. Out of food and water, the Saddlers followed the way they were pointing until they found an oasis, the site that eventually became Oasis City. Whether the meteor shower had been magic or simply coincidence, none could say, but a single meteorite had landed, exposing a larger underground well. To receive a jewel made from the original meteorite was among the highest honors the Saddle Arabians bestowed.
"Great, so, those are probably worth half a bit each, maybe? How much are we in the red, anyway?" Dan asked.
"It's not a question of debt. There is not enough currency in the system and there is not enough wealth supporting it," Celestia said.
"So that's a no to pawning the trinkets. And I guess telling the entire kingdom to go out and get jobs isn't really an option," Dan said, rubbing his chin. "Hmm... bit of a puzzler." Both the strategies Dan used to alleviate money woes on Earth were not viable in this situation.
"Luna and I will be meeting with various business owners in Equestria throughout the next week. It's going to take a while, but we've promised all the major businesses that we would do our best to provide what they need until the situation is resolved. We must find a way to replenish our financial assets and introduce new currency into circulation as soon as possible."
Dan nodded. "Bit above my paygrade. Oh wait... I guess I can't say that, now. What can I do to help? What can we all do?"
"I don't know," Celestia said. Those words hung in the room, seeming to fill the empty room with a sense of fear, worry, helplessness. At that moment, there was nothing any of them could do, or knew to do, to help things. That feeling of utter helplessness, uselessness, was almost unbearable.
"Well, um... if you think of something, let us know," Phoenix said. "We ready to get going?"
"I guess so," Twilight said. "You okay, Dan?"
"Yeah. Like I said, we're gonna be tightening our belts for a while. Not like I haven't done that before."
"Okay," Twilight said. "Let's head for home, then."
"Maybe Discord's new show will be on," Spike suggested. Anything to perk up the spirits, even a little thing was helpful. Chrys and Phoenix nodded, and Dan fell in step behind them. They exited the treasury.
And were immediately stopped by Kent.
"Kent?"
"Empty, right?" Kent asked. The armored figure was leaning against the wall, arms folded. Dan walked up to him.
"Yeah- hey, we saw another group of you clowns earlier. You're not with them, are you?"
"Do I look like I'm with them?"
Dan looked him over. "Is that a real question?"
"I know where the treasury's contents are located," Kent said. He unfolded his arms. Every part of him seemed to radiate power. It could've been threatening, but for some reason, Dan didn't seem threatened at all.
"Have you been like... watching us?" Chrys asked.
"Yes."
".......Okay."
"How long have you been, uh-"
"Since Barro told me to. And since Dan agreed," Kent said. He was a no-nonsense guy. Probably a first for this story and another reason why he feels out of place. Does he feel out of place? So did Dan when he first got here. And look at him now, he's... still here. That's about all you can say about him. Oh, and he has friends and weapons and he got a promotion now, the respect of the whole planet, yadda yadda yadda, but he's still basically the same guy.
But this guy, Kent, was hiding something.
"So where's our money?"
"The griffons have it."
".......whaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" Dan started to ask what, and then it turned into yelling. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" And he began running around, angry.
Twilight teleported to him, then teleported him back. "Dan. Focus."
"We should've... we should've never trusted him. That pigeon-headed pirate piece of fried chicken!!"
"Dan, we don't know anything yet."
"You said the griffons HAVE it," Phoenix said. "How exactly did they GET it?"
"That, I don't know. I just know that their treasure hordes are full to the brim. Gold, jewels and valuables from every nation."
"They STOLE IT. They STOLE IT! They OBVIOUSLY STOLE IT!" Dan yelled. "That gaggle of thieving... I need a drink," he walked around the corner. The gang followed him.
"Where are the vending machines?"
"They weren't installed until I moved to Ponyville," Twilight said.
"So what's replacing them?"
At the front of the castle, they found what had replaced the vending machines.
"Cucumber water?" Dan asked. Two water coolers, one with plain water and the other with cucumber water took the place of one of the vending machines. "CUCUMBER WATER?" Dan repeated.
"It's also got chunks of watermelon, lemon and orange in it," Phoenix said. He got himself some. "Good stuff."
Dan turned around and pointed at the offensive cooler. "This, THIS is why the kingdom is broke. THIS thing, THIS is a symbol of needless, wasteful, pretentiou-*ollp-olllp* arrogant spending, the kind of thing that the rich- *glarrm-glarrrp* with the snobs, and the country clubs, and the- *gallp, gaalllp* with the country today!"
If you have no idea what Dan was saying there, you're not alone. Dan took several cups from the cucumber-citrus water fountain while simultaneously ranting about it, so nobody understood him. When he was done, they all got drinks.
"I hate this thing," Dan said, getting another drink. "We're getting one for the library."
"Well, this information certainly changes things," Celestia said. "I will contact the griffons immediately."
"Wait, you're just automatically going to trust this guy?" Chrys asked. They all looked at her, even though she had a point, so she continued with, "I mean, what are you going to do? Just write them and ask them to give back our stuff?"
"You have no reason to trust me," Kent said. "But the fact is that the treasures of this planet's nations now reside in one place. The griffons are holding it in the hanging city on the coast, Lavertica."
"I do trust Mr. Kent," Celestia said. "As does Princess Luna. Not only that, the griffon envoys that were sent to the summit were... unusual. I'm going to reach out to the ambassador."
"So, what now for us? We're just supposed to go home while you negotiate with a band of bird burglars?"
"I know this is difficult, Dan," Celestia said. She strode over to him and knelt down to meet him at eye level. "I know you may have the urge to investigate this matter more thoroughly, but I want to remind you that you are a noble of Equestria now. There are certain expectations that come with royalty. But officially, there's little at this time I can do to stop any of you from infiltrating Lavertica and finding how our wealth came to be in the possession of the griffons." She turned slowly and walked away.
"Oh... not exactly subtle, your majesty," Dan said.
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The hanging city of Lavertica is an airship hidden inside a cumulonimbus that the Griffins used to steal everything, and so gives a point of operation for stealing everything back once Dan and co find out how it was done?
Ah, so the nation is literally bankrupt. I was under the impression it was more of a budget deficit.
Instead the big pile of treasure that backs the currency has gone AWOL.
I always forget, are the bits actually gold, or are they worthless on their own?
Can't fault the birds for trying.
A new chapter means it's ~Sunday~
now let me see n'ere *dons reading glasses*
(BRB Barro, Pinkie-Promise!)
Huzzah, rejoice for I shall recreate my review as it deserves to be read!
Wait ... the Master of Parodies came to Equestria? For a birthday party?! ... Well that second part actually makes makes more sense than the first part ... and now I’m wondering what a Rap Battle between Dan and Al would sound like! ... Also I won’t be mad if Dan decides to knock Spike into the next chapter!
Hmm ... depends on your definition of “best”, wasn’t the best lady lawyer killed off in one of the games and her younger sister just sort of hung around after that? (Don’t get me wrong I love her outfit, but she’s no Nicky!)
If I were smarter I’d make an iCloud joke here!
Now I’m not sure whether to make a joke about Pokémon (these fancy earrings remind me of the Comet Shard items) or a LoZ joke (the names could fit)!
Award winner or box-office bomb? Taking bets now!
Urge to slap rising ... Rising!
Yes Dan, focus that rage into a wrathful laserbeam and use it to make DFG (Dan-Fried Griffon)!
... but how?! They don’t strike me as criminal masterminds!
Phew and that’s everything I love (most) about this week’s chapter and I’ll eagerly await the next (which I will go read right now)!
Awesome as always and I’ll see you ~next time~
Your Eternal Fan
^_^
I thought Celestia was going to issue a fiat currency.
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Do they even have the means to produce such a currency, though? The only thing they've printed in mass quantities is newspaper.
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Take your time!
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Trying what, though? Why would they break into the royal treasury and steal it all? Did they have inside help? We know the royal guards of Equestria are behaving strangely for some reason. But there's no evidence that anything was stolen at all other than that it seems to be in the hands of the griffons. Why would such a vast sum of wealth just teleport from one kingdom to the next?
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The bits are themselves actual gold and many of them have disappeared from circulation as well, seemingly to end up with the griffons in their capital city.
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Lavertica, the hanging city is the capital of the Griffon Kingdom suspended over the oceans of north-eastern Equestria. Large cables connect the city to six stone pillars rising out of the sea with the city hanging between them. The city is a large birdcage-like structure that possess 10 levels divided into 3 sections and the royal palace on top. The top levels are where the rich live and work and also where most of the gardens are located that grow food. Water travels downward from pipes and flows throughout the city using a complex aqueduct system. The working and poorer griffons live in the middle rings and the lowest levels contain the shipyards where airships are built and berthed.
On the outside of the cage structure, docks for airships are placed and a system of rails akin to BioShock: Infinite transport supplies throughout the city. The top of the city, the royal palace and the first few levels are coated in gold, but it stops a considerable ways down. One popular theory is that the gold griffon pirates steel goes to maintaining the gilding of the city.
The griffon airships are mostly made of wood while the city is made of different types of metals. Recently, griffons have begun breaking down and disassembling airships of the royal fleet but the reasons why are unknown. MAC, which stands for Magical Material Alchemically-Adapted Advanced Central Composite, or just MAC for short, is the process and result of treating and refining materials for use in construction throughout Equestria. The MAC-wood Fleet of airships is among the longest-serving vessels in the griffon armada, and many are those who do not want to see them replaced.
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Dunno, personally I think the poor man's MC is setting them up, but, eh, we'll see?