• Published 12th Aug 2013
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Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) - Barrobroadcaster



The story of a man named Dan and all his friends in Equestria.

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Errands: Dork Diplomacy

While Twilight was getting training and while Dan and Spike were in the graveyard, Phoenix Wright and Chrys were having dinner. With a ruthless conqueror and war criminal.

"I hope this is okay," a phrase Chrys thought to herself fairly often, as she vocalized it now and levitated a cup of tea to Zen Zeal.

"It is fine. Thank you," Zen said. The zebra closed his eyes and took a sip, said nothing further. He was there to see Twilight, but as Twilight wasn't there, he was waiting for her. As were Chrys and Phoenix. So now, the situation was a bit awkward.

"Well, since we're waiting, I don't think Twilight will mind if we go ahead and eat now," Phoenix said. Even as he spoke, he was suiting action to words, opening the box and pulling out a hot slice of Ponyville's delivery pizza. Chrys did the same.

"So, umm, general," Phoenix said while eating, "what brings you all the way to Equestria?"

Zen took another sip of tea. "War."

Chrys and Phoenix nearly gagged on their pizza. Apparently, Zen noticed.

"I have no intention of invading Equestria again. I speak of the impending war, the one to come when the king and queen return."

"Ahh!" Chrys said, almost relieved. Well, not ALMOST. "That's good to hear, really. We uh, we didn't like fighting you."

A sly grin crept into the edge of the zebra's mouth. "I know."

Phoenix sat down, grabbed another slice and monched. "So, mmm, giving your... nature, I take it you want to fight in this war? And since you're here, in our house, under a banner of peace..."

"That would mean you want to fight for US," Chrys finished for Phoenix. "Wow, Nick, you're really smart." The lawyer shrugged, a slight bashful.

"You are correct, both of you. With the approval of your princesses, my legions will be the first into battle. The armies of the Zebra Kingdom, not Equestria, shall meet the enemy first, defending our world, our homes and our subjects. Against the deposed king and queen, there can be no greater honor," Zen Zeal said.

"Wow. You're one serious dude," Chrys said. "Like, from one invader to another, I gotta give you props. You love what you do and you do it well."

"Hang on," Phoenix said. "You're wanting to be the FIRST to meet the king and queen's armies? Whatever forces they send our way?"

Zen looked over to him. "Yes."

"In space?"

"Yes."

Phoenix and Chrys exchanged quirked eyebrows. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't exactly have... space access, do you?"

"Not as much as I would like, no," Zen said. Technically, there WAS a a spear-and-potion technique that allowed zebras to teleport anywhere a spear they threw landed, and in theory it could be used to teleport them to the moon or space if launched high enough. There wasn't a rule that the spear had to be thrown by hoof. But such a potion required a lot of resources and a long time to brew. Pony teleportation was a quicker solution and could be used to warp entire armies, if used properly.

"So you want Luna or Twilight or somepony to teleport you to the moon?"

"Rmmm," Zen leaned forward. "I would prefer to discuss details with the princesses."

"Uh huh," Chrys said. "You're wanting a good fight. That's what you get out of this. And what do WE get?"

"AAA, AA-HEMM," Phoenix loudly cleared his throat. "Errhem! Errm."

"Is everything alright, Mr. Wright?"

"Relax, Nick," Chrys said. She leaned forward, clicking her hooves together. "The Director wanted a good show out of us. She got that. You, you want a big war where you and your troopers get all the honor and glory and stuff, but what do WE get?"

"Apart from not being subjugated, conquered, utterly and completely destroyed or the numerous other things the king and queen might do to your fair kingdom?" Zen asked coyly.

"Yes," Chrys said. "That precisely. Your kingdom is part of Equestria, too, so you're already planning on defending it. Am I right?"

Zen held his tea and his gaze at the changeling. "Yes."

Chrys nodded. "Exactly. So you're already getting something out of this. You want to play on our time, that's one thing, but you wanna be the first at bat? Sweeten the deal for us."

Zen glared at her. He took his tea and sipped it again. "I am a warrior, not a politician. That being said... I did foresee such negotiation being necessary."

Phoenix rubbed his chin. "You do know what we're up against, right? The king and queen have conquered, basically space. What we know of it. Super-powerful, god-like beings of untold magical power and destructive capability?"

"To be fair, Zen and his zulu dudes survived being nuked. Twice," Chrys reminded him.

"I have survived far worse. This is a test, a challenge and I intend to meet it. I am a warrior. My zebras are warriors. We will not sit idly by, watching from afar while Equestrians fight our battles for us," Zen said.

"You're planning on fighting would-be celestial deities with wooden spears."

Zen rose. He drew his spear and aimed it at Phoenix's neck. He stopped just short of slicing him with it. Eyes narrow, he gritted his teeth and said:

"I held your entire kingdom by the throat with a wooden spear."

Phoenix felt sweat forming on the back of his neck. Maybe the pizza was too hot, or maybe he was nervous. But he held Zen's gaze.

"We beat you. With flashing lights and music. Your army collapsed. I saw it. You were beaten by good vibes."

"I laid waste. To your CITIES."

Phoenix lowered his hands. "You were beaten by a set of drums."

"You play a dangerous game, arbiter."

Phoenix tapped his foot. Bump-bump, bump-bump.

Zen Zeal sat down again. "This conversation serves no purpose. Perhaps your princess will be more agreeable to my proposal."

"I think Dan would agree," Phoenix said.

"Is that so?"

Phoenix nodded. "Yeah, I think he'd let you guys fight first." (And he'd also enjoy and laugh watching you and your zebras get slaughtered by the king and queen, too.)

"I think he'd like using your army as cannon fodder," Chrys said.

(Good girl, Chrys.)

Zen was undeterred by this. "I do not plan on I or my soldiers to be fodder. We will brunt the enemy's assault, turn them back and send them back into the darkness of the void they slithered out from."

Phoenix and Chrys both nodded. If there was one thing they had to give him, it was for his confidence.

"The king and queen are likely going to attack us with their own disposable troops first as well, test our defenses."

Zen grinned again. "What better to offer in response than defenses that aren't your own?"

"They conquered SPACE," Phoenix said. "They could send entire planets' worth of civilizations at you."

"Let them. Besides, we all know you have the proper weapons to deal with such an attack." Chrys and Phoenix exchanged glances again. Zen continued. "My spies are already aware. One of your trains entered Ponyville this evening. Forty-eight of them are aboard, with materials for another three-hundred-and-fifty."

Dan was indeed a planning genius. He thought, he examined all options, he considered everything and was a master of even being completely unpredictable. His own naturally-insane attitude was at times a facade, designed to hide his true intentions. Since coming to Equestria, the scope of his planning had increased tenfold and beyond. Against the daunting task of fighting the king and queen of Equestria, he left nothing off the table. This included using the weapons Rice had developed for use against him and others, against Equestria, against Earth and everyone and everything else he held dear.

Dan was planning on using the Sword Spells. That was a fact he could not conceal from his friends. How he was going to use them, that was, as always, a mystery. However, there was another weapon of sorts in his arsenal that fewer people knew about: the Regenesis Device. The tool that restored Equestria, why wouldn't they want to build more?

"How many spies do you have here?"

Zen looked at Chrys, keeping his grin. He did not answer, which was his answer.

The Sith Assassins, the robot salesponies, those might have been new but spies and infiltrators in Equestria had been around for a while. Luna believed they used a potion that prevented her from entering their dreams, finding them out. And all the zebras had to do was put on some body paint and change their manes and tales. Disguises were easy; Dan knew this.

Phoenix maneuvered around the couch and over to where Chrys was sitting.

"Man, I could use something to drink. You want some more tea, general?"

"Actually, yes. The flavor is quite nice. What blend is this?"

"It's Emergen-Tea, tea for emergencies. Tuxley and Reginald came up with it."

"I'll have another cup, if you're offering."

"Of course! Chrys, you wanna come with me?" He picked up Chrys.

"Okay- I guess we'll be back in a minute."


Phoenix set Chrys down in the kitchen. "I enjoy being carried as much as the next girl, but what is it, Nick?"

"What are you trying to get out of screwing with the general like this?"

"Cash. Resources. Stuff," Chrys said, without a hint of hesitation. She shrugged. "He came to us, he wants something from us, why should we get nothing? I'm a queen, Nick, I have priorities."

"Is this why you keep leaving magazines about building insect hives on Dan's nightstand?"

She grabbed the human and forced him into a cabinet saying, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! Make ZZ Top's tea. And when we get back, follow my lead."

"Like I have a choice." (I have priorities, too. Like living. That's definitely a priority.)

The walked back into the living room, acting as casual as possible. They came off as really nervous dorks, however, because that's what they were. Nonchalant was not something that came naturally to them. However, none of them noticed that both the pizza boxes and Zen's spear had moved.

"So general, where were we? Here's your tea."

"Thank you."

"So general," Chrys repeated herself, "where were we?"

(Apparently, we're laying it on thick.)

"You know, I have a lot of pull with the princesses. I can even do Cadence!" And she transformed into Cadence. "I even fooled Shining Armor twice! I wasn't even trying the last time."

(My lawsuit senses are tingling...)

"I want to speak to Princess Twilight Sparkle."

"Hold on. I'll go get her for you." Chrys disappeared and- dear gawd, can you see this coming? Because I can. She reappeared as Twilight Sparkle, alicorn version. "Hi General!"

Phoenix and Zen both stared at her for a very long, painful moment.

"What do you think, general? Have we embarrassed ourselves enough for tonight or would you like to come back tomorrow? Who knows, there might be a brain among us by then."

Chrys transformed back into Chrys. "You've made your point. General, the zebras and ponies haven't had the best relationship. Your country wasn't invited by anybody to the summit in Trottingham, the summit they're literally having after the planet came back together. You're not there. You're here. Talking to us because you've been mean to every other kingdom, now coming to us, desperate to fight because you like fighting."

"An astute observation," Zen said. "I do like fighting. I've liked it over many lifetimes. To deny battle, the call of war is not just to deny myself something vital, but something beyond necessity." He turned slowly to Chrys. "I WILL fight in this war. On your side... or no side at all. But I will fight. Nothing will stop me."

"We are not all fighters, Zen Zeal," Phoenix said, engaging in lawyer mode. "We're not questioning your motives, we're questioning loyalties. You're not our friends, you're not allies, we're barely even trading partners. If you're going to join us in battle, we are going to have to be at the very least allies and not rivals."

For the first time since he'd arrived there, Zen Zeal thought. He considered their words, things he hadn't considered before, even with all his strategic thinking and planning. In this regard, he wasn't like Dan; Dan would have already considered it.

"Very well," he said through gritted teeth. "What. Do. You. Want?"

Phoenix and Chrys whispered together. After a brief, hushed conversation, Chrys announced, "we want to be friends."

"Fine," Zeal said. "We are friends now. Happy?"

"Just," Phoenix stopped him, "we want you to actually care about Equestria. About other countries. We want to actually be friends. With you and your people, ponies and zebras. Can we give that a chance?"

Zen sipped his tea again. "I will speak to the council about... improving relations internationally. We can at least allow travelers to visit. I will promise that."

"That's a start," Chrys said.

Zen turned to her. "What if I could give you more? I am only the head of one of the great houses, but I do have resources."

"What kind of resources?" Phoenix asked.

"Do you have a map?"

They got out a map and sprawled it across the coffee table. Equestria in its full glory was laid out before them, a gorgeous map of the vast- oh gawddammit, it's the Risk board game but with Equestria. Are you people even trying?

"You're a conqueror," Phoenix said. "Apart from sticks, what resource do you have?"

"Land."

Silence. Land, the most valuable resource of them all, especially in Equestria. Food had always been in short supply, and land meant farms and farms meant food. Land to graze cattle, raise crops, build towns and cities and colonies and settlements and entire kingdoms. The Zebra Kingdom had most of it and they guarded it fiercely.

"We will cede to you all land north of Prosperity, from the Eastern Everflow to the Great Steadies. One-quarter of the Emerald Savannah. Easily two-million acres of rich, prime farmland," Zen said. He drew the lines on the map with his spear for emphasis.

Chrys' mouth was agape. "That's a lotta land..."

Phoenix put on his poker face. "That's land you conquered. Most of it from us. Part of it from the mountain goats."

"That is why I can offer it as trade. Do you accept?"

"Are you kidding? That's awesome, we could just-" Phoenix elbowed Chrys before she could continue. "What? What now?"

Phoenix grabbed the spear. He drew a new line stretching from the Eastern Everflow, the river that cut through Equestria, all the way across to the Eastern Easy Sea. All the way from the Prosperity Mountains to just north of the Crystal Empire.

"Half."

"Ha. Are you sure you're not a conqueror, Mr. Wright?"

Phoenix smiled. "I like to think I do my part."

"Well, it's a substantial chunk you're wanting, but I believe we can manage."

"No," Chrys said. "More than that. It's going to take us a long time to settle this land. We need to work it. Together. Equestria and the Zebra Kingdom should share this land."

Phoenix agreed. "And the Crystal Empire as well. All the nations of ponies and zebras, working together. No more demilitarized zone. We will settle these lands together."

It was then they noticed something crawling up Zen Zeal's spear. A purple ball of fluff with eyes, tiny hooves, ears and a muzzle, and the cutest little mare's face. Zen held the spear up, prompting the fluff ball to be seen by all around it. The ball only had one thing to say, and it was a gasp.

*Gasp!*

"How did you get out?" Chrys grabbed the creature off the spear. "You're supposed to be with your mommy."

"She's a curious one."

"Indeed," Zeal said. "You have more fluffalapons here?"

"Yes, but it's about their bedtime," Phoenix said. Fleefle was a purple fluffy foal, a female and like Twilight, was purple and seemed very bright for her age. She still liked food, as did the others but liked to examine and learn about food before eating it. Having just exited the larval stage, Fleefle's hooves had come in nicely and she was now walking, the first of the batch to do so.

"Mmmm," Zeal mused, looking at the purple filly foal.

"Do you think it's okay for her to have some pizza?"

Phoenix opened one of the boxes. "I hope it is." The box was empty, and there should've been at least half a pizza in it.

"Oh. Well, we still have two more..." Chrys's voice trailed off. Lifting up the boxes slightly with her magic told her all she needed to know. Fleefle trotted in a half-circle on the coffee table, sat down, nestled inside her own floof and closed her eyes.

"D'awwwwwww," they all went.

None of them would have noticed, but Fleefle was actually nesting on a place of significance. Her fluffy body occupied the space on the map that was the Enchanted Valley, or rather, where it had been. Over a thousand years since the great exodus from the land of Enchantria, scholars had searched for the lost kingdom for years. Most failed to factor in that the land itself could move as well, and in this case, had most drastically.

Whether by choice, fate or simple happenstance, Fleefle rested on the Badlands. Many things had been found there, including Chrys.

"I can make no promises. But the other houses will likely follow my decision. Still, I must speak to the princess."

Phoenix rubbed his neck. "I'm not exactly sure when she'll be back. It could be-"

And at that moment, Twilight reappeared in the middle of the room. Unfortunately, they didn't recognize her; she was still in her dark magic form, which they didn't even know about. Fortunately, Twilight was always a calm, rational, perfectly stable-

"AAAAAAAA I NEED BOOOOOOOOOOKKS!!! I'M A MONSTER!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Chrys and Phoenix screamed. Fleefle still clutched in her hooves, the two bolted for the door.

Opening it, they found Dan and Spike on the other side. Tired, weary and covered in bruises and dirt, the two were exhausted, and that might've been alarming to some but Phoenix and Chrys knew them. There's no way they'd-

"Foooooooood..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! DAN AND SPIKE ARE ZOMBIES!!!!"

"FOOOOOD!" Dan reached out to Phoenix, which in no way resembled a zombie reaching for his brain, except for the fact that in every way it resembled a zombie reaching for his brain.

"AAAAAAAAAH!"
"AAAAAHAAAAAAA!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!"
"Fooooood..."

Chrys and Phoenix double-taked, then triple-taked between the monstrous-looking versions of their friends. Zen calmly reached forward and took another sip of tea.

"The backdoor!"
"Run!"

They dashed for the kitchen, but Zen's spear stopped them halfway. They turned to see the zebra general standing over the subdued Twilight, Dan and Chrys, all three of them under his hooves.

"The negotiations will begin now," Zeal said.

"Can we eat first?" Dan asked.

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