Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1)

by Barrobroadcaster

Ion the Prize

Twilight teleported Dan and company through the walls of the Golden Oakes Library. None of them, not even Twilight knew if she was capable of teleporting such a large group even such a short distance- until now. Unfortunately, the haste of the maneuver landed her friends and her in a pile on the living room floor.

"Okay… I think we're going to have to make a few adjustments to Emergency Defense Plan three-cee," Dan remarked, getting off the floor.

"I vote that the plans don't involve zip lines," Phoenix said.

"AYE!" the group unanimously agreed.

But Twilight was already busy searching for the Elements. "I can't find them!! Where did we put them?! Were they already here- did they get stolen?!"

Dan rubbed his head as he got up. "That steamer trunk, the one with all the gold on it, that was the Elements of Harmony, right?"

"YES!!" they yelled at him.

He thought for a moment. "Ah, utility closet down the hall on the right."

"Closet!!" Twilight yelled. The purple mare darted out the living room and down the hallway. She ripped open the first door on the right she came across. Several brooms were inside but no Elements. In fact, the closet wasn't even large enough for the chest they were stored in. "NO!!" she yelled.

"Utility closet, Twilight!" Dan called. "That's the broom closet. Further down."

"AAAHHGG!" she yelled, bolting down the hall again. She passed the doors she knew to be the hangar, already knowing what was in there. Full-gallop, Twilight tore open the door to the other closet. "AAHHHHGGG!!!"

"Vacuum closet!"

"Why do we have two different closets from brooms and vacuums?! They do the same thing!"

"Vacuums are for power, brooms are for reach, Twilight!" Dan's knowing voice called her again.

"Rrrrrggg!" She ran down the hall yet again and reached the final door. Opening it, she was immediately relieved to see a large bejeweled chest.
"Ahhh… finally." Using her magic, she lifted open the lind. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

"What?"
"What?"
"What?!"
"Thpp?!"
"What?!" The gang popped up from behind her and asked.

She spun around. "THEY'RE GOOOOONNNNEE!!!"

"What?!" the group gasped in horror as she showed them the empty box.

Dan's eyes went wide. "OH crap! They stole the Elemons of Germany!"

"Dan!" Chrys yelled. "They're the Elements of HARMONY!"

"Yeah, those things, that's what I meant! THEY STOLE THEM!"

"Wait!" Phoenix held up his hands, "the security system didn't go off! Didn't we arm it before we left?"

"You're right!" Dan said, thinking back. "That could only mean-"

"THE BURGLARS ARE STILL IN THE HOUSE!!!"

Like a storm, the group scrambled down the hallway again, through the house all the way to the living room. When they reached the front door again, they found the perpetrators trying to exit. Two griffons were halfway out the door when Dan and the others spotted them. The birds were wearing the Elements of Harmony like any other jewel accessories, three each. For a moment, the ten house residents and two intruders just stared wide-eyed at each other.

"Uh… hi," one of the griffons said.

More silence.

"Thppp!" Fluffle waved at him.

"So, uh… we were just leaving," the lead griffon said, opening the door to the house. He turned around and standing on the other side of the door was, somehow, Dan.

"OH! Uh… hi," the griffon said again. Trembling in fear, the chimera removed the Elements from around his neck and the tiara from his head. His friend did the same. "D-D-Did you guys want these back?"

"Yeah," Dan said cheerfully. He took all of the Elements in his hand. He then held up another one. His other hand, which he had been holding behind his back, lifted up two buckets. "So, you guys want to leave, right?"

"Y-yeah…"

"Well, I have an important question," he held up the buckets, smiling. "Which one of you wants to be extra crispy and which one of you wants to be original recipe?"

After retrieving the Elements, Twilight was too busy making sure they were all right to hear the screams of the two griffons. Dan had difficulty fitting two fully-grown griffons into two different buckets but he managed somehow. When he was done, they had three new feather pillows for the couch and two red-and-white buckets labeled "DFC" were left on the front doorstep. The buckets continued to both shiver and scream until they eventually fell over, their plucked occupants spilled out and they ran away as fast as their naked chicken legs could carry them, screaming.

"Perimeter secure!" Dan announced. "Now, how do we get back our town?"

"What about those pegasi that were with Derpy?" Cadence asked.

"Yeah, those guys that took out the cruisers from before!" Shining said. "We sure could use that firepower now."

"What about the house's security system?" Chrys asked.

"Yeah, Dan," Spike chimed in saying, "with all the stuff you've installed here, we've got all the firepower we need."

"We need to be careful no matter what we use," Phoenix said. "That fleet out there is huge. If we or Rogue Squadron just starts shooting down those ships, it could cause a lot of damage to the town when they crash."

Dan rubbed his chin. "We use both. We call in Derpy's flyboys and have them lure the buzzards to the edge of town and fry 'em with the guns on the house."

Shining's jaw dropped. "That's… the most tactically brilliant thing I've ever heard, Dan."

The human grinned at him. "The ole' bait-and-switch-and-then-blast-the-crap-out-of-'em plan. It's a classic." He pointed forward. "TO THE COMMAND CENTER!"

The first floor of the renovated Golden Oaks Library was divided into three sections: the first was the outer ring, the south-west side of which housed the living room and access to the second floor. The south-east part was the kitchen, the north-east was the hangar and the north-west was storage. From the space between the kitchen and the living room, the corridor to the inner ring could be accessed. The inner ring had two sections: north and south, the latter of which housed the control room.

"Wow… Dan, you built all this?"

"With help from the team at Pone Depot," Dan said, looking around. "Yep, those guys know how to get the job done." And apparently that job was fighting a full-scale war. Golden Oaks' command center came complete with wall-to-wall terminals and operations stations at the four corners of the room. A flatscreen T.V dominated the south wall opposite of the door and broadcasted a live feed from the mailbox outside of the house.

"Okay, Twilight, you and Chrys take the sensor station."

"On it, Dan."

"Boom Boom Sisters, weapons console."

The two mares squee-sploded into tiny animated bits that bounced around the room and then reformed at the weapons station. They contently grasped the arcade-style controls and said, "yay."

Dan turned to Shining Armor and Cadence. "Love birds, defenses."

They both looked at each other. "Defenses?"

"Shields," Dan clarified. "If something's coming at us, do your best to deflect. Maybe even bounce it back at whoever's firing at us. Use your spells to shield the whole house and the defense console to shoot down any missiles coming our way. Can you do that?"

They nodded. "I think we can do that, Dan."

"It might take us a few tries but we'll give it our all."

"Well, don't be concerned. If you make even a single mistake, we're all screwed." The couple swallowed in response and turned to their station. "That leaves communications. Spike and Fluffle, keep your ears open for any broadcasts."

"Thrmmmm." Fluffle frowned. I wanted to be on the weapons console… I have dibs on it next time.

Dan turned back to the screen. "Nicky, you're with me. We keep an eye on things and coordinate with everypony else."

"Got it, Dan. I'll make sure all the details are accounted for." (Including how much this all probably cost us.)

"Fantastic," the shorter human whipped out his cell phone. "Now, to call in the air patrol." He raised up the phone to is ear and smiled. Ordering air support might as well have been as easy as ordering a pizza.

The phone rang several times, never a good sign. The others looked over their shoulders at Dan. With every ring, Dan's smile got a little more lopsided until he was frowning.

*rrrinnng*

"Did you dial the right number?"

"There's only one number! This is the phone they gave me to contact them if we ever needed air support! WHICH WE DO RIGHT NOW!"

*rrrinnng*

"AHHUUGGH!!"

Phoenix raised his hand. "I… maybe this isn't a great time to mention this, but-"

"BUT WHAT, NICKY?!"

"I-I was just gonna say, it probably should've gone to voice mail by now."

"GRRRNNRRRR!!"

"Mmyellow?" Finally, somepony answered.

"Finally!" Dan shouted into the phone. "Who is this? Derpy? Edge? One of the other ones?"

"Uhhhh… the third one, I guess. What's up, Dan?"

"What's up?! What's UP?! Have you looked UP at all today?!! There's a fleet of flying pirate ships looting the whole town!!"

"Oh yeah, that. Looks like griffons, probably Gusty's boys. We evacuated the town already, told people to head out."

"Great, you've gone from air patrol to neighborhood watch, now can you PLEASE HELP ME GET THE BUZZARDS OFF OUR FRONT DOOR STEP?!!"

"Ehhhh… not exactly."

Dan stomped the ground in frustration. "What do you MEAN 'NOT EXACTLY'? Which one of you freaky flying forest rangers am I talking to?!"

"It's West, el capitan. Edge is kind of busy at the moment, can't really get to the phone right now. Sorry."

"What are you clowns even doing?!" Dan raged.

"I'm sorry, Dan but we can't help you guys out right now. Derpy's butt's stuck in the mailbox again."

Dan's face went blank. He was on speaker phone and with that last comment, Twilight and the rest of them looked over to him. "Wha- AGAIN?! What do you mean 'again'?! How does that even happen?!?!"

"We kind of stopped asking after the third time".

"THIRD TIME??!!!" the treehouse shook.

"It's okay, though. Edge and Big Mac are getting the dentures of life, so we'll be ready in a jiffy. Later!" The phone clicked off.

"Jiffy?! JIFFY?!! Our goose is gonna get cooked by those geese out there!"

"Those turkeys are gonna roast us like turkeys!" Chrys added.

"Other avian-related pun!" Cadence said.

Chryssy clapped her hooves. "Oooh! Good one."

"I know, right!"

Dan growled and pocketed the phone again. "Will you two PLEASE get your acts together?!"

"Right," Chrys said, nodding. "Game faces equal-on!"

"All right," Dan said, thinking. "We go to plan "B" then. Try to shield the house as best as we can and throw everything we've got at 'em."

Twilight turned around in her chair. "Are you sure we've got enough to throw?"

Dan grinned. "I am," he said, pulling out his other usual cell phone. He walked over to the primary console next to the Mr. Coffee and the WOPR, the one inconspicuously shaped like a an ice machine. It was disguised as an ice machine for a reason. He flipped the cellphone back and a key shot out from the side. Dan inserted it into the coin slot of the ice machine and twisted.

The treehouse began to shake, rumbling like there was an earthquake. In the center of the room, a fifth station rose up from the floor. The additional command console, complete with chairs and targeting displays like the others, locked into place but the house didn't stop shaking. In fact, it began to shake more rapidly and intensely.

"D-Dan?" Twilight asked, holding on. "Is this supposed to be happening?"

They all were holding onto whatever was nearby except for Dan. The human held only a confident smile as the Golden Oaks Library's most powerful defensive weapon came online. The lights in the command center turned red.

Outside the house, from the center of the tree, rose what looked like an observatory. The top most branches shifted as a massive armored sphere rose up on a pillar of steel. On the top of the ball and angled up towards the sky was a point, the integrated barrel of a cannon that could only be described as "the cannon."

Limitlessly Advanced Universal Ranged Energy Neutralizer
TOSF(The Only Shot Fired) Tolerator-class Ion Cannon
The Fist of Golden Oaks

Author's Note:

The dentures of life are similar to the jaws of life except comically oversized wind-up chattering teeth.

Comments

[proto20]

Limitlessly Advanced Universal Ranged Energy Neutralizer

pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1705-1318168453.jpg

[Dustchu]

Hehehehee, awesome chapter man! The sisters Squee-sploded... that makes me happy
Derpy... why ur butt do dis?

Keep it up man!

7154729
I also, see what he did there

[Booster Spice]

Noone expects the suprise short range teleportation.

Well, Anubis(?) certainly didnt Oniells parting gift.

Mommy, why has the libratrees staff got a knob on the end.

Because Dan is a Mad Magician. Now put on your peril sensitive Venga Boys shades so the flashes dont blind you.

[Aguion12 - GotA]

They're f*cked.
7154909 7154729 I didn't

[Dustchu]

7155708

Limitlessly Advanced Universal Ranged Energy Neutralizer
LAUREN, as in Lauren Faust

[Aguion12 - GotA]

7155794
...
encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSRd0SH7bEK4ocK8PlTAHaM7vnV5Q4UUYLHg0HoA1GVY3qUZ7TLb4EmWs8q

[Barrobroadcaster]

7156054 Don't be too hard on yourself. It took a while to settle on that acronym.

[Aguion12 - GotA]

7156097 No, I did read the thing like that. LAUREN, I mean. But I completely missed the reference, somehow.

[Barrobroadcaster]

7156305 It happens. We're debating whether or not to have the Fausticorn show up as the library's AI. I think we're going to wait for her appearance in season 2.

[JakeAndDollars]

This story is like candy coated crack for my brain!

~Dollars

[Dustchu]

7156054
It took me a bit too man, don't worry bout it

[LadyLeomon]

"Which one of you wants to be extra crispy and which one wants to be original recipe?"

I say this pretty much every chapter but I love you Dan

"Well don't be concerned. If you make even a single mistake, we're all screwed."

I was laughing aloud at this point.

"Jiffy?! JIFFY?! Our goose is gonna get cooked by those geese out there!"

"Those turkeys are gonna roast us like turkeys!" Chrys added.

"Other avian-related pun!" Cadence said.

I was just fangirling so much right here between fits of laughter!

"Got it, Dan. I'll make sure all the details are accounted for." (Including how much this all probably cost us)

I took a break from laughing at this point to swoon a bit, Holy Luna I wuv you Phoenix

Okay, things just got serious. But there is no way they can lose with a big bucking canon named after the show's much loved creator! Onward to battle ^_^

[The REAL Mister Pkmn]

You just don't steal when Dan's your target. You just don't.

[Razzy]

Okay, Twilight didn't want to hurt Blueblood, but is alright with shooting up countless griffons? Ponies really are dicks.