Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1)

by Barrobroadcaster

Twilight's Test Pt. 2: The Twi-enlightenmentening

Place and time unknown

Twilight's voice echoed through the chamber. Her chipper, upbeat tones carried through the dark and shadowy stone halls of wherever she was. The half-Dan/half-Vice Grip figure in front of her stared blankly into space, having given up trying to interrupt her. She had asked him to wait a minute while she explained her points- that had been five hours ago. The illusions of her friends had played a card game, gotten bored and were now napping on the floor.

"...and this is why these kinds of moral dilemmas don't work in the first place. If you remember back to where I explained the concept of virtue foundations, you see that each instance only works in the context applied to each original orientation with only variations that challenge the original conclusion being viable in the- ooops. I'm sorry, I ran out of chalk again. Do you have a spare? If not, I can just redraw the original graph and-"

"Dear gawd, will you PLEASE SHUT UP?!!"

"I'm sorry, did you get lost somewhere?" Twilight asked, nothing but genuine care in her voice. "I can go over the graphs again if you want. It's a lot to take in and as I've said already, the lighting is-"

"YES, THE LIGHTING IS POOR. IT'S A DARK, SPOOKY, TOMB IT'S NOT GOING TO HAVE GOOD LIGHTING," the figure said, clapping a hand over her muzzle. The magical charts, graph and chalkboard Twilight had poofed in at the start of her lecture poofed out of existence yet again. Twilight preferred chalk to dry-erase boards. Dry-erase boards tended to produce more waste, despite the lack of chalk, because of all the markers you end up having to use and while they can be more convenient-

"Good fucking shit- you've got the goddamn narrator doing it now!!"

"Doing what?" Doing what?

"Stop, just please, stop..." the figure put his hands to his head. He still held the miniature Sword Spell in one hand. "I'm about to make two of these and try to use them as earplugs."

"Wow, you can talk for longer than I can about... uhh, stuff," the vision of Pinkie said.

Twilight smiled softly. "Thank you. Even if you're not the real Pinkie, it means a lot that you listened."

"We fell asleep when you brought out the second chart there, sugar cube," vision-AJ said.

The figure waved his hand and the six alternate versions of her friends vanished in smoke. He glared at Twilight. Dan and Vice/Rice had very similar voices, both being based on the vocal talents of Curtis Armstrong. Despite that, this combined figure spoke with a more distorted voice, like it was a fusion of Dan and someone else.

"Is there... anything else? Umm, I have a question. If we're done, I mean," Twilight said. The figure continued to glare at her silently. "Where exactly are we, again? And who are you? And why are we here?"

The figure waved its hand again. A door opened down the corridor behind him, opposite the way Twilight came in. White light appeared from it, illuminating the dark chamber. He then disappeared like the visions.

"You're leaving. Get out." The figure's voice said, echoing through the chamber. But the figure didn't seem to be there any more, not in any physical sense that Twilight saw.

"Wait," Twilight said, "You didn't answer my questions-" Suddenly, the white doorway came rushing towards her. She felt her body being pushed down the hallway towards it, as if being carried by an unseen force, a wave of magic.

"I'm through answering your questions, Twilight Sparkle. Good-bye!"

Her horn glowed and she stuck out her hooves. A repulse spell, it unleashed a burst of pure magical energy from the caster's body to dispel any magic in their immediate area. Some unicorns nicknamed such spells 'personal space magic' and the like.

"Hold on," she said, slight pleading in her voice. "Please, just... tell me who you are?"

A burst of fire appeared in front of her. It lit up the entire corridor, even more so than before. It was a fiery pony.

"You don't get it, do you? I had this whole thing laid out but no, you had to go and spoil my fun. I don't exactly have everyone lining up to take these tests in here, do I?!" the pony roared. The flames on his mane nearly touched the ceiling. The fires from his hooves sent cinders scattering on the ground as he approached. This could only be one pony, one pony Twilight only knew from legend.

"I... I've seen you before," Twilight said, backing away. "You were in a book-"

"I am more than anything you could ever read in a book. I am War, Twilight Sparkle. Inevitable, inescapable... and capable of the unthinkable."

Spirit of Conflict, Oppositional Element
WAR
Pony of the Apocalypse

Twilight backed away, her wings involuntarily up in a defensive posture. "Wow... umm, it's uh, it's very nice to meet you."

He stomped his hoof. "NO! No, it's not NICE to meet me! I'm WAR! I'm the ponsonification of violent, bloody, endless conflict! Fires... burning, ashes! All your family and loved ones reduced to dust and echoes like the husk of Malachor 5, this world reduced to-"

"But that hasn't happened yet," Twilight pointed out. "And... when you say you're War, do you mean ALL wars everywhere? Even the card game, war?"

War stared blankly at her, eyes smoldering white hot. Flames now consumed his entire body, coincidentally making him look like Twilight that one time. "I am the nature of war, the SPIRIT of war and conflict, the embodiment of the bitterness and resentment that becomes hatred and drives men to take each others' lives."

"I see..." Twilight said, nodding. "I don't mean any disrespect to you."

"Thank you."

Obviously she's going to disrespect him now.

"There were these wars a few years ago- the Breakfast Wars?"

War sighed heavily.

"I was just wondering, the final battle? Did you have anything to do with determining the outcome? Because I'll be honest with ya, I was really hoping waffles would win."

The pony calling himself War held the side of his burning temple with one hoof. He shook his head slowly.

The Breakfast Wars were a very long series of conflicts that engulfed all of the Equestrian west, the Griffons, Yakyakistan and Donquestria. Originally beginning as an argument between friends over what to have for breakfast, it soon spread throughout the country as ponies and beings of all kinds fought to answer the burning question: pancakes, waffles or french toast?

"Yeah, I'll just let the narrator answer this one. Big surprise there. Didn't we already do this like five episodes ago?"

"Shhh, she's adding new stuff."

"She?"

"We rotate narrators because Dan sometimes likes to punch them."

The battles raged on for decades with brief periods of peace between fighting. It became so bad that only variety pack cereals were served in Equestria's most popular diners for breakfast, with one of the treaties being that you can have whatever you want for breakfast in your own home. Various breakfast factions would raid and even take over towns and force their preferred items for breakfast on the population. The French Toast faction invaded a town that was famous for serving Belgian Waffles and massacred many innocent ponies with cinnamon and cream(french toast toppings.)

Pony Joe's diner opened towards the end of the war under the condition that donuts were not considered a meal because a single donut was never enough. The final battle occurred between Appleloosa and Ponyville, with the Pancake Coalition winning a decisive victory over the Waffle Confederacy. Despite the fact that waffles could take syrup and butter better than pancakes, pancakes were easier to make and could be produced in larger numbers. The Pancakers also cut power to the Wafflers' waffle irons, without which, they were literally powerless to make waffles.

"No, I had nothing to do with... THAT, whatever it is," War said, waving at the paragraphs just above this one. "You see? This is why I don't like Equestria. You guys don't... you don't do things the way they're supposed to. That's not how you do war."

"Maybe we like it better this way. I mean, it was still a war, War. Many ponies suffered without their favorite breakfasts. No one has to die to suffer. Just look at airports. Or college football games," Twilight said. "They televised the world series of poker and people actually watched it. They watched it like it was a sport, War. Poker isn't a sport; it's just a card game. It doesn't make any sense."

War glared at her but said nothing. "I'm not falling for the goofy, cutesy, down-to-earth jokey act you're putting on here, purple smart."

"In Star Wars: The Last Jedi, at the casino planet, Finn and Rose free all the weird aliens and let them go free but they didn't free the enslaved children. That doesn't make any sense. And people watched this movie."

"I get it."

"People stood in line for that movie."

"Enough," he said, putting his hoof down.

Twilight rubbed her neck. "Yeah, I really have no idea what that last one even is. It's just what Barro wrote on the cards."

"Ah yes, the reporter menacing the planet from orbit. I can tell you about that one- he's a great example of why this world doesn't work," War said.

"Menacing?" Twilight said. Having been imprisoned in this dungeon-tomb, Twilight was unaware of the author's current predicament. "I don't understand."

War nodded, pacing around her. "Oh yes, Equestria has all the answers, doesn't it? Except when it comes to its actual inhabitants. It took Faust long enough but she was able to tame my three sisters but me? Nope. Just lock ole War away under Tartarus, make sure he's never found."

"Sisters?" Twilight ask.

"Famine, pestilence, death, your precious Fausticorn took them out a looooooooong time ago, but me she had a little trouble with. So I didn't get integrated- I got locked in a dungeon!" He folded his hooves. "I could've fought that Breakfast War better."

"So... your sisters were integrated?" Twilight asked. Something cold formed in Twilight's stomach. As if she already knew what he was going to say. "Oh..."

War nodded and sighed. "Famine became fat and fluffy, Pestilence found things even more pestering and Death got so tired of culling she threw down her scythe and started calling herself-"

"The Director," Twilight said, finishing the thought. "So Famine... is Fluffle Puff. Or Fluffle Puff WAS famine. And Pestilence..."

"Also known as Conquest."

"Chrysalis," Twilight whispered.

War looked back at her. "You should feel honored. You were able to get three out of four. But even with me locked up, you could not escape me. War has come to Equestria, Twilight Sparkle, true war. Even now, your world crumbles and shakes until there will be not left but dust and debris floating in the void of space. Your judgement is at hand."

"Maybe..." Twilight said, looking down. "But maybe not."

"You will not lecture me... well, you won't be lecturing me AGAIN, young one."

But that wasn't Twilight's intent. "How about we just talk?"

He rolled his flaming eyes. "I don't think I have much in common with the magical pony princess of harmony."

"Oh, but you do," Twilight said, a slight sly note in her voice. Before he could scowl at her, she added, "I'm friends with your sisters."

War did an about-face. "You are?"

Twilight nodded happily. "I can tell you what they've been up to, if you're interested."

The fiery spirit-pony considered it. And after a few moments, he decided he was interested. "Let's say I am. Tell me everything," he said. So she did.

Comments

[Booster Spice]

Given chaos in 40K depends on unending conflict, and they want the books etc to keep running, it means Chaos has won. All the Emperor is doing is delaying the total loss of existance.

Then again, isnt that the definition of lifes conflict with entropy?

Intresting. Freinds help you live longer, life is the war against entropy, so the longer lived someone is the more war they fight against entropy, so if War wanted the most, theyd want Equestria?

[Barrobroadcaster]

9907749
Victory is a relative and subjective term.

[Booster Spice]

9907758

Unfortunately, some relatives can be Very subjective.

[Earthpatriot117]

Do I need to know the dan show to read this?

[Barrobroadcaster]

9909224
Kind-of but not really. You need to know Dan, that's about it.

[Earthpatriot117]

9909375
The one thing I get from him watching flufflepuff videos is that hes a jerk. Xp

[Barrobroadcaster]

9909396
There ya go.

[LadyLeomon]

It’s been a long week Mr Barro, how might I take my mind off my normie problems this week?

Oh buck me! It’s Thanos!!!

Wait a sec! It’s only the Ponification of War? Okay I’m good! I’m a tiny but concerned that there even is a Ponification of War but considering we met the Ponification of Samuel L. Jackson ages ago I’m not gonna question it too much

Hold the phone Ramone (Thank you Ramone)! Fluffle is Famine? ... Makes sense! Wait Chryssy is Pestilence?! ... I mean sure aesthetically she fits that personifation, but even if she was our beloved Bug Horse isn’t that way anymore! She’s a good gal! ... Now I need to get the mental image of Dan with a Horse of the Apocalypse out of my mind, it’s too beautifully scary for words!

And the Director is Death? Again, this makes sense but I can’t judge her for that, I’m still waiting for the rest of her tragic backstory (like what did Megan do?!) while wondering why she let Vice Grip get away with his rudeness completely unscathed?!

Argh so many questions! I need to know!

But I’ll just endure and trust the answers will reveal themselves in time, like the story of a particularly good JRPG it can’t be rushed!

Like always thank you for making my Sunday better, the past week has just been too long (I am not judging Daylight Savings Time, that part is Heaven-sent) but I’m just weary.

Also thank you so much for your kind words, you lift my spirits every week with my recommended dose of Dan-sanity and it means so much you continue to do so even when you have your own off times too. So truly from the bottom of my Pokéfan/Digifanatic/Dansciple heart I thank you once more BarroBroadcaster

Awesome as always and I’ll see you ~next time~

Your Eternal Fan

Awesome

[Barrobroadcaster]

9909552
Once again, this chapter was written with you in particular in mind for a good portion of it. I thought you might appreciate how Twilight with her cleverness being able to totally disarm such a vicious and frightening opponent.

[LadyLeomon]

9911320
I have no idea why I was kept in mind for this chapter but once again I am truly Mumbled hearing that, thank you Mr Barro

Truth? Now that you've mentioned Twilight's plan of action (brilliant by the way, your Twilight seems way more on the ball than the official one) I can't help thinking of the very first episode of Dan Vs (The Wolfman). Every episode has an opening sequence that ends with Dan shouting about the name of the object of his vengeance, this particular episode starts with a beautiful woman showing up at Dan's door and the encounter (best as I can recall goes as follows)

Beautiful woman: "Hi Dan, I just moved in next door. I'm a supermodel!"
Dan seeing beautiful woman at his door: "I don't care who the IRS sends I'm not paying taxes!"
BW: *giggles* You're cute, and so funny! If you kiss me, I'll make you pancakes!"
Dan leans in for a kiss then the woman's face turns into ... something (Xenomorph/Necromorph fusion?) he then wakes up grumbling about the lack of a supermodel and pancakes then finally sees his car damaged with paw prints and claw marks all over before starting the episode with:
"WOOOOOOOLFMAAAAAAAN!!!"

Crikey I haven't seen Episode 1 in ages, thanks for reminding me of it! ... But now I really want pancakes too! (Better not tell Chryssy about the supermodel part!)

Haha thanks for reminding me of this and I'll see you next chapter good Author, wishing you a safe vengeance-free week (but if vengeance is warranted it's best to let it out for your own health!)

Laters

[Barrobroadcaster]

9911665
Because I think you're cute and smart and could stand up to any monster and be sweet and brave

...Now I have to add the Wolfman and the IRS to this story.

[howard035]

Over 860k words and you can still pull out crazy twists like that!

[Barrobroadcaster]

9912296
Remember when I said it all goes back to the first episode? Remember Dan's song about humanity? War was a part of it...
Also I have written additional songs and song parodies for the story but they're not ready yet and stuff in RL has been taxing to say the least. But thank you Howard, you're a great fan and more fandoms need more fans like you. I'm lucky to have you and everybody as readers and it does mean a lot to me.

Believe me there are more twists to come but none of them are stupid like "it was all a dream" or one of the characters is secretly dead or that crap.

[howard035]

9912718 That's a touching comment, thanks man.

Also, did War play any part in the Cola Wars?

[Barrobroadcaster]

9912819
War is not "war" literally, he's just a physical manifestation created by magic to represent war. He's the spirit of war but because he's alive, he's also his own character. It's similar to the DC character creation method where a character represents an idea- I've taken it a step further by elaborating on what happens if that idea were to slowly change like over time like people do. And the answer is that they both do and do not change; what they represent never changes, so part of them never does, but at the same time the spirit that is spawned by them grows and evolves.

Everything not originally of Equestria is adapted to the world, sometimes harshly. But this has consequences. Equestria exists in an "unfinished" state, a metaphor for Dan's view on Earth in a literal physical sense. Ironically, despite the fact the rules ARE very different, Dan encounters the exact same problems. So War is war as it was adapted to Equestria- pies instead of guns and such. Like the Director being Death, the overwhelming purity of the planet has corrupted the concept of War and forced him into hiding rather than imprisonment.

But like he said to Twilight, he's not involved in fake wars. The Console Wars, trade wars, etc. Technically, he's not involved with the current war either because for it to be a true, bloody war, both sides would have to be bitterly angry, resentful and hate each other.

When we're talking about the Apocalypse Ponies, War is long, bloody, protracted conflict like WW1. The rage and fear behind the Cold War. Not a simple rivalry or the accidental pressing of a switch, an unknown conflict but something with apocalyptic-levels of negative emotion. And although the zebras have definitely had their share of that, the ponies never have. Love simply conquers all, those in Equestria are dealing with the aftermath of that conquest.

[Razzy]

Huh, Chryssie is Pestilence? Well, she does look the part, I guess.

[Dustchu]

Yooooooooo whaaaaat? Duuuuude, I didn't expect that.

Also love how I'm not the only one who ponified the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Nicely done.