• Published 12th Aug 2013
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Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) - Barrobroadcaster



The story of a man named Dan and all his friends in Equestria.

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Central: The Fiery InferNOPE Part 4- Escapes Were Made

The following chapter is brought to you by Squeedible.

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Go to Squeedible.squee/DanHatesAds,Barro now and enter the promo code "Thpppth" for a free thirty-day trial.


The previous joke has nothing at all to do with the story. Neither does the following scene.

Vice Grip's boots were heavy, but he had to keep running. He was exhausted, the sun beating down on his head as the desert stretched on endlessly in every direction. Still, he ran, gasping for breath.

He looked over his shoulder. It was still behind him.

"Oh my god... OH MY GOD NO!!" A tidal wave of pink fluff rolled across the desert, towering so far overhead as to cast an enormous shadow. The wave of fluff eclipsed the sun over head.

Vice ran as fast as his legs could carry him. The shadow on the ground caught up to him. He turned around. "No... no... NOOOOOOOOO!!!" The wave of pink fluff crashed down on him with a mighty 'thpppth.' "AAAAAHHHH!!" The scientist was carried away by the soft fluffiness, an ongoing sea of snuggles that continued rolling on.


And now, Part 4 of NOPE

The guns, turrets, cannons, gun barrels, everything that was a weapon or could have been used as a weapon glowed with a red light on it somewhere and aimed directly at Dan and his friends. Even the Soviet nuclear subs deployed their own weapons and opened their torpedo bay doors, despite the fact that their torpedoes were not designed to function outside of water. Phoenix suspected it was just for show and probably wouldn't matter; the rest of the arsenal was more than enough to vaporize them. And he was right.

"Okay," Dan began, "one of you is going to teleport us out of here."

"I never learned teleportation magic," Powdy's high voice, not quite as high as her sister's, chimed in.

"Chris... and Cap..." Marksaline said. Her mouth didn't always move in time with her words. Nor do her voice give sound to said words every time she spoke, especially now. Yet her thoughts were known to those around her if she did not wish them concealed, the echoes of a whisper resonating inside the mind. It was as if she communicated beyond space and time. Her horn glowed with a twisting, spiraling aura of red light.

"Dan!" Phoenix exclaimed, "What about a shield ball?"

"Shield ball? Oh, like back at the fort against the hippies! Yes, Nicky!"

"Powdy, can you make a shield ball?"

She shook her head, frightened. "N-nothing I could put up could take all of this..."

CORE DETONATION:
2:35.47

"Oh, perfect," Phoenix remarked at the red letters above them. "Just in case we survive the current Cold War surplus onslaught, the whole place is going to explode."

"What are you talking about?" Dan asked. "That's great! At least that's one problem out of the way. Now, we just need to deal with the whole survival issue and then this place will blow itself up. We don't have to find the reactor core now."

"Oh, I am the reactor core," VOLCANUS' voice said. "Don't worry; that warning just plays whenever I disconnect from the central chamber. It's no biggie."

"Phew."
"Oh, thank the big C and L."
"Well, that's one problem solved."
"Hngggrrrrr..."
"EUULLGH!"

They all breathed a collective sigh of relief, except for Dan who proceeded to strangle Silver Spoon, prompting Phoenix to separate the two. We all have our ways of dealing with problems.

"So why haven't you killed us yet?" Fusey asked point-blank, as the guns were about to fire on them at point-blank.

"Yeah, 'bout that, see, my programming doesn't want to fire on Madame Silver Spoon, Mr. Lightning Claw and Miss Diamond Tiara, seeing as how they're FIST VIPs and all. Them targeting systems are a pain, amirite?"

"To be honest, Knight did have the same problem with Vice Grip," Phoenix remarked. They all huddled around Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, even Dan.

"Nicky, let go of my hands."

"I can't. You'll strangle Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Springer, Lightning or... all of them, somehow if I do." (Not that it matters. We still have to find a way out of here!)

"Now Nicky, how would I even do that?"

"You'd find a way."

Dan nodded sternly. "Indeed I would. Now leggo."

"No."

The turrets, guns, and missile/torpedo tubes tracked them, turning left and right as they tried to line up a shot that would kill Dan and his friends while sparing the captive fillies Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. The gun barrels let out a collective, mechanical sigh.

"Alright, Ima just shoot near the edges of your little cuddle pile there and the splash damage will do the rest. Hey bosses?"

"HELP US!!"

"Workin' on it. So yeah, ya might get a little singed on the edges."

"DON'T SHOOT!" Diamond Tiara yelled.

"Yeah, that was just a heads up. Already committed on this. Okay, here it comes. You might feel a little heat."

"Oh boy."

"There has to be something else," Phoenix said, looking around frantically. He searched frantically, his mind searched frantically, hoping desperately to find the answer among his thoughts or the room around them. (What haven't we thought of? What is there left?! WHAT CAN WE DO?!)

*Clang! Plam!*The cannon fired before anyone could answer him... but it didn't fire in their direction. Because something hit the side of the twin barrels of the Apocalypse tank before it went off, causing the shell to fire off away from the lines of tanks, hitting a Kirov instead.

"What?!"

"What the...? Okay, not cool!"

They all saw at the same time: the flash of red white and blew, the spinning disk, and the man who caught said disk in midair, landed on the ground in front of them, and turned to say, "You realize this isn't the best time for a group hug, right?"

Dan pushed everyone away from him, causing them to fall down. "Stevie!" he exclaimed.

"And, it's Dan," Captain America, aka Captain Steve Rogers said. He looked over Dan's shoulder and gave a nod to the other human behind him. "Hey, Nick."

"Stevie!" Dan said, coming closer. Cap extended a hand and the shorter human grabbed it with both of his, shaking it ecstatically. "Good to see you, buddy! What brings you here?"

"A lot," Cap replied, "and I'll have to explain later. You ready up there, Chris?"

"Almost... got it," Chris Redfield, an American anti-bioterrorism soldier, lined up a shot with his rifle and fired. The bullet ricocheted off the wing of a Twinblade gunship and hit one of the sprinklers on the ceiling. Because most of FIST's construction followed video game rules, the fire suppression system triggered upon being struck. The sprinklers activated, causing an almost instant torrential rain-like downpour onto the occupants of the huge room.

"If only it was ever that easy with Umbrella." Chris repelled down from the submarine storage racks to land, iconically and symbolically next to Captain America.

"Chris!" Phoenix exclaimed. He got up from the pony pile with the Blast Sisters still clinging to him.

"Redfield," Dan snarled at the brown-haired human.

"Hey... Dan," Chris greeted. "Nice to see you... again."

"Wait wait wait wait," Phoenix stopped them.

"Yes, Nicky?"

Phoenix gestured to the two new humans. "So you know Captain America AND Chris Redfield? Do I have to ask how?"

Dan shrugged. "There's not much to tell. I did some contract work for S.H.I.E.L.D and Umbrella back in the day. Me and Chris-different Chris, buddy of mine, worked on the Helicarrier and did the drywall at Spencer's Mansion. Also did the glass in the Aqua Ring in their lab. Nice place," he turned to the ABT agent, "Before Redfield blew it up."

Cap held up a hand as other mouths were opening. "As nice as this reunion is, can we please get somewhere safe?"

"Not quite!" Dan declared, raising his cane, "We still have a bug to find! Stevie, come with me and Nicky- we're going Gear huntin.' Redfield, watch the ponies."

Chris shrugged. "Why me?"

"Because you're the one with the gun. And by the way, YOU STILL OWE ME!" Dan yelled.

Chris turned back to the ponies. "I kind of have an idea what he's talking about. So, who are the ones I need to watch?" he asked with his rifle.

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, all of them except for Diamond and Silver scooted to the other side and pointed at the two fillies. "Great, thanks. Why is the purple one flying?"

"I'm... kind of permanently electrified, don't really want to touch the floor," Lightning Claw said. "We should also probably try to get out of here... before the room fills up with water."

"Right, I'll get the door," Chris said.

The room was indeed filling with water, though being so large, that process was taking a while. Still, the new problem was finding the rogue robot before the whole complex was flooded. High above them, the broken tube was beginning to pour water into the room as well. The fire suppression system had triggered throughout the facility.

"We're going to be swimming if we don't find this thing soon enough," Cap said.

Dan looked over at Phoenix. "Nicky... why are you using your umbrella in here?"

The lawyer had his makeshift weapon open. He smiled bashfully. "I didn't want to get my hair wet."

Dan frowned. "Really?"

"It takes a lot of gel to get it like this, Dan." (And a careful, precise amount of brushes.) The Blast Sisters were no longer clinging to him, but they were swimming in adorable pony circles around him. Fusey used her wing and Powdy used her horn and the two pretended to be sharks. "Girls, can you please do this some other time?"

"We have dibs on you and Cap," Fusey replied.

"Okay, this is taking too long!" Dan announced. The water was above their waists now. Dan, being shorter, was getting drenched faster. He hopped up on one of the tanks. "Bash everything! If she's shapeshifted into something else, we'll find her by breaking everything else in the process if we have to!"

"Dan, that's going to take far too long. This room will be a fish tank by then."

"Actually, he might be on to something," Cap said. "If it's using stealth technology, it might react to damage." Without a moment's hesitation, he threw his shield. It rebounded off one tank, then another. The disk bounced off the side of a Sickle and launched upward. Cap jumped up, caught it, landed and sent it flying down a row of armored vehicles.

Dan had a more direct approach. He leaped from one machine to the other, pummeling the armor with the head of his cane before leaping off to the next.

Phoenix kept an eye out for any reactions. "I'm not seeing anything down here, but the red lights have gone off. I'm guessing she's stopped controlling them remotely."

"Keep your eyes peeled just in case," Cap said.

"You know me, Cap," he said back. And of course, given the situation, Phoenix couldn't help but indulge just a little himself, humming Singing in the Rain as he walked through the soaking aisles of weapons.

The rapid clangs of metal against metal rang out constantly, but Magic Gear VOLCANUS was nowhere to be found. Phoenix looked down at the water. If it knew they were after it, it probably wouldn't stay in the same place. And that meant it could have been-

Phoenix jumped out of the way just as the clamp came down.

"Ah, a smart one, are you?"

"DAN! CAP! She's behind us!!"

Author's Note:

Surprise! Yes, we've added both Chris Redfield AND Captain America to the story, as a little way of saying thanks to you guys. You got a twofer because you're awesome. If you're reading this and you have a free hand, use it to pat yourself on the back because we love you. The majority votes have come in and are in favor of Option A so please welcome to the Jerks, Captain America AND Chris Redfield! We're excited to have them as great additions to the team! Believe me, there's only more to follow.

Also, to avoid confusion, Dan refers to Chris Redfield as just Redfield and he calls Captain America "Stevie." If Dan likes another human, he usually refers to them in the two-syllable +ie style. So he likes Cap but isn't a fan of Mr. Redfield. We'll see more of that soon enough.

Finally, Umbrella, SHIELD and Hydra are canon. Thanks for reading!

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