• Published 12th Aug 2013
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Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) - Barrobroadcaster



The story of a man named Dan and all his friends in Equestria.

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The Wrong Kind of Dependable

"Four units down! I have four units down on Bravo Grid!"

"All Your Base is lost, U Wot M8 is lost, we have another ship coming down in sector lambda!"

"Shrike, Talon, Crowbar and Ajax squadrons have been completely wiped out! All wings are in total disarray!"

Gust Grasp raised his voice over the shouts of his bridge crew. "Send all remaining wings to cover the Yes and get out of here!"

"Aye, sky marshal!"

He grabbed the microphone at the communications terminal. "All ships! Emergency roost protocol now!! Now, dammit!!"

His sensor officer turned to him. "What about us, sir?"

"Are we still cloaked?"

The officer checked his terminal. He turned back and nodded.

"Then keep us up," he said, sitting back in his command chair. "Comms, put in a call to the library. Direct line, hail them."

"Aye, sky marshal."


Chrys squinted to see one of the ships in the distance through the periscope. The ion cannon was designed to hit anything above the rooftops of Equestria so range wasn't a problem. The remaining ships in the griffon pirate fleet were fleeing, what few were left. Most had been sunk and either crashed into one of Blueblood's buildings or on the tacky blue grass he planted, incinerating it. The homes and regular buildings in Ponyville, however, were mysteriously unscathed.

Dan purchased the ion cannon from Pone Depot shortly before going to Canterlot for Shining and Cadence's anniversary. He installed it shortly after Christmas/Hearth's Warming but this is the first time it had really been used. The weapon itself was absolutely the zenith of non-lethal weapons- the absolute best home defense system Equestria could ask for. The cannon, once activated, deployed an electromagnetic field that created friction with Equestria's magnetosphere. It used this friction to generate enormous amounts of electricity while also drawing in charged ions from the atmosphere. Combining the electromagnetic energy with the ions, it concentrated them into an energy pulse- a beam of combined electricity, energy, magnetism and even a little of Equestria's own magic into a blast that nullified all other forms of energy on contact.

The result was a weapon not even Vice Grip could defend against. Dan didn't even really fully understand it- he just read part of the manual, turned it on and shot stuff with it. Because of its unique qualities, the cannon could only be mounted on the library in Ponyville, much to the dismay of Vice when he briefly invaded the household before Dan left for the Crystal Empire. It was a defensive weapon to which there was no defense.

Well, almost no defense.

"All right, and this one makes sixteen for Chryssie," Chrys said, firing a blast at one of the retreating vessels. The library shook again, just briefly, something they were all used to by now. Just before the ion blast hit it, the ship descended, causing the blue ray to fly over it. "Huh?"

"Something wrong?" Dan asked.

"Something weird- all the ships are landing."

"Landing?!" Twilight asked.

"Hold on, I'll put it up on the big screen," Dan said, flipping the channel on the wall display. It showed Ponyville from one of the cameras on the treehouse. All the griffon ships, the ones that weren't on fire anyway, were all landing right where they hovered. "The buck is this?"

"They're landing in Ponyville. They're vulnerable to air support now," Twilight remarked.

"But we don't HAVE any air support!" Dan yelled.

Twilight tapped her chin nervously. "Y-yeah, there is that problem still."

Dan grabbed the periscope controls. "The cannon can't hit them when they're on the ground! Except that one. And that one," he blasted a frigate that landed on a rooftop and a corvette that had anchored next to a gazebo. "Take that you little bloodsuckers. But I don't know what to do about the others."

"They're not close enough to hit with the other guns on the treehouse either," Phoenix said. "Maybe if we found a way to lure them closer…"

"I think they all pretty much know by now the library has a gun on the roof," Cadence said.

Shining nodded. "They're not going to come anywhere near this place now even if we spray painted the tree gold."

"There has to be SOMETHING we can do!" Dan shouted. "They're sitting ducks! WE'RE sitting ducks! And we're stuck here ducking around because we can't shoot them and they can't leave!"

Chrys shrugged. "We did shoot but they found a way to duck." She rubbed her ear again. "Seriously, am I the only one hearing that?"

The intercom inside the treehouse crackled. A voice they'd heard before came over it, chuckling. "Well, well, well… it's Dan, isn't it? Hiding an anti-air emplacement in a target we'd overlook was clever, very clever. But this just became a ground engagement. So it looks like you'll need something else to surprise us with."

Dan grabbed the intercom system, a studio microphone hooked up to the console. "Oh, we have plenty to surprise you with. Why don't you guys come closer and find out?"

"Heheheh… you might not like that, Danny boy. Griffons are not like pegasi- all clouds and no claws. We're pirates first and pilots second, no strangers to fighting dirty. But it looks to me like this fight is over; once we're done looting the rest of your town, we'll be on our way. Consider this a lesson in combat from the Sky Marshal of the United Griffon Coalition. And have a nice day!" The intercom crackled off.

"Grrrnnn…" Dan growled. "Freaking pirate pigeons. That's it!" he made for the door, "I'm gonna take apart every last one of their little bathtub toy boats and THEN I'm gonna break every bone in their bodies and THEN-"

"That's not a bad idea," another voice said over the intercom. "But let us take the first shot at 'em, okay guys?"

Dan spun around. "West? Is that you?"

"Yub yub, captain. You did order air support, didn't you?"

"But you said you wouldn't be able to help!"

"No, I said we'd be ready in a jiffy! Now here comes the jiffy!"

"What?"


The sensor officer turned around. "New contact, sir!"

"Bandits sighted! Eleven o'clock high, closing fast!"

Gust's sunglasses fell right off his beak. "What?!"

"Marshal, it's Rogue Squadron! The transponders match!"

Gust looked at the display, staring in disbelief. "What the hell is that?!"

"JIFFFFFFFFFFYYYYYYYYY!!!" Holding a comically-oversized set of chattering teeth, Derpy swooped in with the sun on her back.

"I think it's the mail, sir."

Derpy, with Rogue Squadron as her wing, blazed in from above. Edge and West unleashed laser blasts from their specialized wings while Derpy closed in with the dentures of life. Red lances of energy blasted the remaining ships, piercing through wooden, metal and plastic hull alike. The thirteen pegasi cut a swath of fire through town, destroying the griffon ships parked there. One griffon had even parked his flying Merc-Cades horizontally in front of a convenience store, taking up two spaces instead of one. His car was eaten by Derpy's dentures Pacman-style.

"Um, sir?" the sensor officer looked up again. "Our ships are being blasted. And eaten in a very silly manner."

"Yeah, I can see that," Gust said, angry. "Release the Trouble Bags!!"

The remaining ships all deployed hatches on their sides. From them, a loud buzzing noise echoed followed by a swarm of tiny, round creatures.


"PARASPRITES!!" Twilight, Chrys, Spike, Shining and Cadence yelled. Fluffle yelled a loud "THPPPPPPP!!" which meant parasprites.

"They're eating the buildings!" Phoenix shouted.

"What? Parsprites don't eat-" Twilight stopped when she looked at the screen. "THEY'RE EATING PONYVILLE!"

The parasprites swarmed, a multicolored horde or pests. They devoured the houses in Ponyville quickly, not even leaving a splinter of the cottages behind. In seconds, a full quarter of the cottages in town had been erased.

"Uh, hey guys?" West's voice came in. "The parasprites are too thick for us to fly through. Do something to clear the sky for us, will ya?"

Dan sighed. "Great. There went air support."

"We have to do something! We have to do SOMETHING!" Shining panicked.

"Parasprites respond to music. We have to get Pinkie… or Pinkie's band equipment right now!" Twilight stammered.

"Pinkie's not here! Who else around here can be a one-pony band?!" Cadence screeched.

"VINYL!" Chrys yelled. "Vinyl and Octavia, we get them and-"

"Not gonna work," Vinyl said.

"HOLY CRAP! How the heck did you guys get in here?"

"Front door was unlocked," Vinyl remarked. "Hey guys, what's up? Mind if we crash here considering things keep crashing into our place?"

Tavi nodded. "We can't really get to our equipment right now. One of those airships landed on the Wubway… again."

"And fell through the rough. Again."

"And the whole town is being swarmed by parasprites. Again," Twilight remarked. "Without loud music of any kind, we can't lure them out of town."

"They're bugs, right?" Dan asked. "Well, I know another way we can get rid of this pest problem."

"What's that?"

"We build a big zapper. A really big bug zapper."

"Ahhh…" Twilight said, nodding. "Despite the fact that's kind of inhumane, I think we're past that at this point." Cadence, Spike and Shining nodded in agreement next to her.

"How are we going to build a bug zapper?" Chrys asked.

"We use one of the missiles from the SAM battery," Dan announced. "We just need something that can lure those bugs to it, then we launch it and send them flying."

Phoenix raised his hand. "Hey, what about the Hearth's Warm-err, Christmas decorations?"

Dan smiled. "I like that idea. They're in the closet!"

Two minutes later, they were running down the hallway checking the closets again.

"No. No. No. Yes!" Twilight reached the right door finally after opening the others.


Gust Grasp rubbed his claws. "We gave 'em fair warning. Now, Ponyville pays the price for messing with the griffons." He was pleased with himself. Despite losing almost every ship in his fleet and over half his griffons, Gust had sacked Ponyville. It was something no other commander had done before him, no other pirate.

"Shall I recall the parasprites now, sir?"

"Nah," Gust said, sitting down. "Let 'em feast. Not gonna have the resources to feed 'em any more with all we lost. Might as well just cut 'em loose."

"Aye, sky marshal."

His carrier, All of My Yes, had managed to retreat, a bit of good fortune, seeing as how it was designed to accommodate the flight squadrons and could carry many of the survivors. The large ring-shaped ship floated just past Canterlot, escorted by what few active flight groups were left. Apart from that, Mudkipz, That Escalated Quickly, Other Irrelevant Meme and Team Plasma's frigate had also managed to flee. The First Expeditionary Armada had been reduced from a massive fleet to barely a picket flotilla. It would be a long time before they could raid again.

But Ponyville was in ruin. The town was being devoured by trained parasprites, parasprites that were resistant to musical influence because they had been trained with music by the griffons. The bugs would eat and multiply until Ponyville and probably the Everfree Forest and Canterlot were nothing but barren land. Gust would return to Verticia, the hanging capital of the griffons before heading back to his hometown of Griffonstone on the border. He would be paraded through the streets as the hero who sacked Equestria, a king of pirates. Then, he would use his fame to recruit new pirates and get a new fleet. The cycle would continue.

"Helm, new course. Take us back to-"

"Sir? I have another power surge," the sensor officer said, deep worry in his voice. "It's the library again."

On the roof of the library, a giant missile was glowing in an array of colors. It shined brightly even in the sunlight, so bright it illuminated the sky.

"Back us off! Back us off!" Gust ordered. "Get away from that thing n-!"

"Sir! The parasprites-"

The U Mad Bro surged forward, not under its own power but from the mass of insects pushing behind it. The swarm of parasprites filling the sky were all drawn to the missile. As the ships had been drawn to the buildings like magnets, so were the bugs drawn to the Christmas lights encircled around the missile. Many of the retreating griffons were dragged by the swarm, unable to fly through it because of its thickness.

"Pull us up!! Pull us up, pull us away! Get us out of here!!"

The missile launched. It flew through the sky, aimed towards Canterlot. It struck the side of the That Escalated Quickly, the parasprites swarming behind it. The tiny bugs latched onto the missile and the ship, weighing it down. Just over the edge of Canterlot, the missile and the ship both exploded.

"NOOOO!" Gust yelled. The screen showed the explosion, the fiery remains that consumed one of the last of his vessels. The parasprites had all been incinerated, nothing left of them or his ship. The only building in Canterlot that received any damage was Blueblood's ski resort, which only lost a few windows.

"Th… That Escalated Quickly is gone, sir."

Gust slumped in his captain's chair. Their ship was still over Ponyville, cloaked. The missile had blown and attracted the parasprites behind them, barely even nudging his flagship. There were no ships, parasprites or griffons left over Ponyville. Just them. He gripped the chair tightly.

"Arm all weapons," he said coldly. "Target: Golden Oaks Library. Standby to decloak."

They all knew what that meant. "Aye, sir."

Like an unseen predator, the U Mad Bro flew closer to the unsuspecting library.


"Now THAT's how you deal with a pest problem," Dan announced, pleased with himself. He looked proudly at the wall display, happy that the skies were finally clear.

"Great job, Dan!" Twilight patted him on the back. "Really… you were right; the security system was a great idea. I'm happy I put you in charge of security."

"You bet your purple horn, you are," Dan said triumphantly. "Let's call Derpy and see if we can get a muffin pizza ordered."

"Muffin pizza?" Shining asked. "That sounds terrible. I'm in."

Chrys rubbed her ear again. "We might have to have them get it from someplace other than Ponyville, maybe Canterlot. Seriously, does anypony else hear that?"

"Hear what?" Spike asked.

"I don't know, it's been going on for a while now. It sounds like a cicada or something, some kind of droning noise."

Dan checked the monitor again. "We got rid of the parasprites so I don't know what it could be." He spooled through the images on the display, scanning the skies.

"You really thought it would be that easy?" the intercom blared. "You'd make a good pirate, Captain Dan. Eager for a quick victory, a trait I admire. Unfortunately, I won't be letting you have it."

"There!" Shining pointed a hoof at the screen. "I… I see something!"

"I see it too!" Cadence said. "It's some kind of a blur, a distortion!"

"What do you think, honey? Bird-of-prey?"

Cadence shook her head. "Too big. It's something bigger."

"But what?"

"What are you guys talking about?" Dan asked. He squinted at the monitor. "That smudge? Is there something on the camera? Wait… why is it moving?"

Shining swallowed. "Dan… that's a stealth ship. It's a ship that can turn itself almost invisible."

"We should've known a bunch of pirates would have one," Cadence said through gritted teeth.

Dan's eyes went wide. "Stealth? They have a stealth bomber?"

"No," Shining shook his head. "Something bigger. Much worse. But we have a chance, though."

"How?

Shining thought for a moment, not taking his eyes off the distortion. "They can't fire while they're invisible. That means, they'll have to decloak to fire. Usually."

"Usually?!" Dan asked. "Well, all right, let's target the blurry spot with the ion cannon," he said, getting the controls again. "We'll hit it the moment it decloaks."

"Warning: Ion cannon offline. Critical ion feedback detected. Please contact an administrator."

"Contact an administrator?" Phoenix shrieked in panic. "What does that even mean?!"

Dan looked back at the screen, the blur getting closer to them. "It means we need to duck."

"Disengage cloak. Lock phasers on target."

The hovering distortion over Ponyville materialized into a half-saucer-like ship. Its bow was like a disk that connected to a boxy stern section with a curved bar over the top and another attachment in the center of the arch. Underneath it were two long rail-like spars, engine nacelles. It had a set of angry sharp teeth painted along the underside of the saucer, making it look like some hybrid shark-spaceship. It was clearly a stolen ship- whatever it was intended for now, it was meant for piracy. It was meant for revenge.

Stolen Federation Miranda-class Light Cruiser NCC-1864-R
UGC Flagship U Mad Bro
Formerly U.S.S Reliant, Starfleet vessel

Author's Note:

We went through a lot of options when coming up with the flagship to represent Gust Grasp's most prized pirate ship. One idea we had was to make it a Klingon Bird-of-prey, another idea was for it to be the Red October and still others were to make it the Black Pearl or some other iconic ship.

In the end, we decided to make it a ship that was as much synonymous with revenge as Dan is. The Reliant was the clear choice. It is not the original Reliant as she was destroyed but its spirit lives on in Reliant-R, its descendant. We chose "R" as the dash because 1864-A and similar numbers were taken by other fan websites. R may or may not have been taken but I've chosen to give credit to others who have chosen to use Reliant as their fan vessel. 1864-A, B, C and D seem to have their own websites devoted to them, made by their own fans. As an homage, we give them, our fellow fans, a tip of the hat and credit where credit is due right here, for we are all one big happy fleet… of vengeance. This note will be preserved during condensation and will not be deleted.

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