The Wrong Kind of Dependable
"Four units down! I have four units down on Bravo Grid!"
"All Your Base is lost, U Wot M8 is lost, we have another ship coming down in sector lambda!"
"Shrike, Talon, Crowbar and Ajax squadrons have been completely wiped out! All wings are in total disarray!"
Gust Grasp raised his voice over the shouts of his bridge crew. "Send all remaining wings to cover the Yes and get out of here!"
"Aye, sky marshal!"
He grabbed the microphone at the communications terminal. "All ships! Emergency roost protocol now!! Now, dammit!!"
His sensor officer turned to him. "What about us, sir?"
"Are we still cloaked?"
The officer checked his terminal. He turned back and nodded.
"Then keep us up," he said, sitting back in his command chair. "Comms, put in a call to the library. Direct line, hail them."
"Aye, sky marshal."
Chrys squinted to see one of the ships in the distance through the periscope. The ion cannon was designed to hit anything above the rooftops of Equestria so range wasn't a problem. The remaining ships in the griffon pirate fleet were fleeing, what few were left. Most had been sunk and either crashed into one of Blueblood's buildings or on the tacky blue grass he planted, incinerating it. The homes and regular buildings in Ponyville, however, were mysteriously unscathed.
Dan purchased the ion cannon from Pone Depot shortly before going to Canterlot for Shining and Cadence's anniversary. He installed it shortly after Christmas/Hearth's Warming but this is the first time it had really been used. The weapon itself was absolutely the zenith of non-lethal weapons- the absolute best home defense system Equestria could ask for. The cannon, once activated, deployed an electromagnetic field that created friction with Equestria's magnetosphere. It used this friction to generate enormous amounts of electricity while also drawing in charged ions from the atmosphere. Combining the electromagnetic energy with the ions, it concentrated them into an energy pulse- a beam of combined electricity, energy, magnetism and even a little of Equestria's own magic into a blast that nullified all other forms of energy on contact.
The result was a weapon not even Vice Grip could defend against. Dan didn't even really fully understand it- he just read part of the manual, turned it on and shot stuff with it. Because of its unique qualities, the cannon could only be mounted on the library in Ponyville, much to the dismay of Vice when he briefly invaded the household before Dan left for the Crystal Empire. It was a defensive weapon to which there was no defense.
Well, almost no defense.
"All right, and this one makes sixteen for Chryssie," Chrys said, firing a blast at one of the retreating vessels. The library shook again, just briefly, something they were all used to by now. Just before the ion blast hit it, the ship descended, causing the blue ray to fly over it. "Huh?"
"Something wrong?" Dan asked.
"Something weird- all the ships are landing."
"Landing?!" Twilight asked.
"Hold on, I'll put it up on the big screen," Dan said, flipping the channel on the wall display. It showed Ponyville from one of the cameras on the treehouse. All the griffon ships, the ones that weren't on fire anyway, were all landing right where they hovered. "The buck is this?"
"They're landing in Ponyville. They're vulnerable to air support now," Twilight remarked.
"But we don't HAVE any air support!" Dan yelled.
Twilight tapped her chin nervously. "Y-yeah, there is that problem still."
Dan grabbed the periscope controls. "The cannon can't hit them when they're on the ground! Except that one. And that one," he blasted a frigate that landed on a rooftop and a corvette that had anchored next to a gazebo. "Take that you little bloodsuckers. But I don't know what to do about the others."
"They're not close enough to hit with the other guns on the treehouse either," Phoenix said. "Maybe if we found a way to lure them closer…"
"I think they all pretty much know by now the library has a gun on the roof," Cadence said.
Shining nodded. "They're not going to come anywhere near this place now even if we spray painted the tree gold."
"There has to be SOMETHING we can do!" Dan shouted. "They're sitting ducks! WE'RE sitting ducks! And we're stuck here ducking around because we can't shoot them and they can't leave!"
Chrys shrugged. "We did shoot but they found a way to duck." She rubbed her ear again. "Seriously, am I the only one hearing that?"
The intercom inside the treehouse crackled. A voice they'd heard before came over it, chuckling. "Well, well, well… it's Dan, isn't it? Hiding an anti-air emplacement in a target we'd overlook was clever, very clever. But this just became a ground engagement. So it looks like you'll need something else to surprise us with."
Dan grabbed the intercom system, a studio microphone hooked up to the console. "Oh, we have plenty to surprise you with. Why don't you guys come closer and find out?"
"Heheheh… you might not like that, Danny boy. Griffons are not like pegasi- all clouds and no claws. We're pirates first and pilots second, no strangers to fighting dirty. But it looks to me like this fight is over; once we're done looting the rest of your town, we'll be on our way. Consider this a lesson in combat from the Sky Marshal of the United Griffon Coalition. And have a nice day!" The intercom crackled off.
"Grrrnnn…" Dan growled. "Freaking pirate pigeons. That's it!" he made for the door, "I'm gonna take apart every last one of their little bathtub toy boats and THEN I'm gonna break every bone in their bodies and THEN-"
"That's not a bad idea," another voice said over the intercom. "But let us take the first shot at 'em, okay guys?"
Dan spun around. "West? Is that you?"
"Yub yub, captain. You did order air support, didn't you?"
"But you said you wouldn't be able to help!"
"No, I said we'd be ready in a jiffy! Now here comes the jiffy!"
"What?"
The sensor officer turned around. "New contact, sir!"
"Bandits sighted! Eleven o'clock high, closing fast!"
Gust's sunglasses fell right off his beak. "What?!"
"Marshal, it's Rogue Squadron! The transponders match!"
Gust looked at the display, staring in disbelief. "What the hell is that?!"
"JIFFFFFFFFFFYYYYYYYYY!!!" Holding a comically-oversized set of chattering teeth, Derpy swooped in with the sun on her back.
"I think it's the mail, sir."
Derpy, with Rogue Squadron as her wing, blazed in from above. Edge and West unleashed laser blasts from their specialized wings while Derpy closed in with the dentures of life. Red lances of energy blasted the remaining ships, piercing through wooden, metal and plastic hull alike. The thirteen pegasi cut a swath of fire through town, destroying the griffon ships parked there. One griffon had even parked his flying Merc-Cades horizontally in front of a convenience store, taking up two spaces instead of one. His car was eaten by Derpy's dentures Pacman-style.
"Um, sir?" the sensor officer looked up again. "Our ships are being blasted. And eaten in a very silly manner."
"Yeah, I can see that," Gust said, angry. "Release the Trouble Bags!!"
The remaining ships all deployed hatches on their sides. From them, a loud buzzing noise echoed followed by a swarm of tiny, round creatures.
"PARASPRITES!!" Twilight, Chrys, Spike, Shining and Cadence yelled. Fluffle yelled a loud "THPPPPPPP!!" which meant parasprites.
"They're eating the buildings!" Phoenix shouted.
"What? Parsprites don't eat-" Twilight stopped when she looked at the screen. "THEY'RE EATING PONYVILLE!"
The parasprites swarmed, a multicolored horde or pests. They devoured the houses in Ponyville quickly, not even leaving a splinter of the cottages behind. In seconds, a full quarter of the cottages in town had been erased.
"Uh, hey guys?" West's voice came in. "The parasprites are too thick for us to fly through. Do something to clear the sky for us, will ya?"
Dan sighed. "Great. There went air support."
"We have to do something! We have to do SOMETHING!" Shining panicked.
"Parasprites respond to music. We have to get Pinkie… or Pinkie's band equipment right now!" Twilight stammered.
"Pinkie's not here! Who else around here can be a one-pony band?!" Cadence screeched.
"VINYL!" Chrys yelled. "Vinyl and Octavia, we get them and-"
"Not gonna work," Vinyl said.
"HOLY CRAP! How the heck did you guys get in here?"
"Front door was unlocked," Vinyl remarked. "Hey guys, what's up? Mind if we crash here considering things keep crashing into our place?"
Tavi nodded. "We can't really get to our equipment right now. One of those airships landed on the Wubway… again."
"And fell through the rough. Again."
"And the whole town is being swarmed by parasprites. Again," Twilight remarked. "Without loud music of any kind, we can't lure them out of town."
"They're bugs, right?" Dan asked. "Well, I know another way we can get rid of this pest problem."
"What's that?"
"We build a big zapper. A really big bug zapper."
"Ahhh…" Twilight said, nodding. "Despite the fact that's kind of inhumane, I think we're past that at this point." Cadence, Spike and Shining nodded in agreement next to her.
"How are we going to build a bug zapper?" Chrys asked.
"We use one of the missiles from the SAM battery," Dan announced. "We just need something that can lure those bugs to it, then we launch it and send them flying."
Phoenix raised his hand. "Hey, what about the Hearth's Warm-err, Christmas decorations?"
Dan smiled. "I like that idea. They're in the closet!"
Two minutes later, they were running down the hallway checking the closets again.
"No. No. No. Yes!" Twilight reached the right door finally after opening the others.
Gust Grasp rubbed his claws. "We gave 'em fair warning. Now, Ponyville pays the price for messing with the griffons." He was pleased with himself. Despite losing almost every ship in his fleet and over half his griffons, Gust had sacked Ponyville. It was something no other commander had done before him, no other pirate.
"Shall I recall the parasprites now, sir?"
"Nah," Gust said, sitting down. "Let 'em feast. Not gonna have the resources to feed 'em any more with all we lost. Might as well just cut 'em loose."
"Aye, sky marshal."
His carrier, All of My Yes, had managed to retreat, a bit of good fortune, seeing as how it was designed to accommodate the flight squadrons and could carry many of the survivors. The large ring-shaped ship floated just past Canterlot, escorted by what few active flight groups were left. Apart from that, Mudkipz, That Escalated Quickly, Other Irrelevant Meme and Team Plasma's frigate had also managed to flee. The First Expeditionary Armada had been reduced from a massive fleet to barely a picket flotilla. It would be a long time before they could raid again.
But Ponyville was in ruin. The town was being devoured by trained parasprites, parasprites that were resistant to musical influence because they had been trained with music by the griffons. The bugs would eat and multiply until Ponyville and probably the Everfree Forest and Canterlot were nothing but barren land. Gust would return to Verticia, the hanging capital of the griffons before heading back to his hometown of Griffonstone on the border. He would be paraded through the streets as the hero who sacked Equestria, a king of pirates. Then, he would use his fame to recruit new pirates and get a new fleet. The cycle would continue.
"Helm, new course. Take us back to-"
"Sir? I have another power surge," the sensor officer said, deep worry in his voice. "It's the library again."
On the roof of the library, a giant missile was glowing in an array of colors. It shined brightly even in the sunlight, so bright it illuminated the sky.
"Back us off! Back us off!" Gust ordered. "Get away from that thing n-!"
"Sir! The parasprites-"
The U Mad Bro surged forward, not under its own power but from the mass of insects pushing behind it. The swarm of parasprites filling the sky were all drawn to the missile. As the ships had been drawn to the buildings like magnets, so were the bugs drawn to the Christmas lights encircled around the missile. Many of the retreating griffons were dragged by the swarm, unable to fly through it because of its thickness.
"Pull us up!! Pull us up, pull us away! Get us out of here!!"
The missile launched. It flew through the sky, aimed towards Canterlot. It struck the side of the That Escalated Quickly, the parasprites swarming behind it. The tiny bugs latched onto the missile and the ship, weighing it down. Just over the edge of Canterlot, the missile and the ship both exploded.
"NOOOO!" Gust yelled. The screen showed the explosion, the fiery remains that consumed one of the last of his vessels. The parasprites had all been incinerated, nothing left of them or his ship. The only building in Canterlot that received any damage was Blueblood's ski resort, which only lost a few windows.
"Th… That Escalated Quickly is gone, sir."
Gust slumped in his captain's chair. Their ship was still over Ponyville, cloaked. The missile had blown and attracted the parasprites behind them, barely even nudging his flagship. There were no ships, parasprites or griffons left over Ponyville. Just them. He gripped the chair tightly.
"Arm all weapons," he said coldly. "Target: Golden Oaks Library. Standby to decloak."
They all knew what that meant. "Aye, sir."
Like an unseen predator, the U Mad Bro flew closer to the unsuspecting library.
"Now THAT's how you deal with a pest problem," Dan announced, pleased with himself. He looked proudly at the wall display, happy that the skies were finally clear.
"Great job, Dan!" Twilight patted him on the back. "Really… you were right; the security system was a great idea. I'm happy I put you in charge of security."
"You bet your purple horn, you are," Dan said triumphantly. "Let's call Derpy and see if we can get a muffin pizza ordered."
"Muffin pizza?" Shining asked. "That sounds terrible. I'm in."
Chrys rubbed her ear again. "We might have to have them get it from someplace other than Ponyville, maybe Canterlot. Seriously, does anypony else hear that?"
"Hear what?" Spike asked.
"I don't know, it's been going on for a while now. It sounds like a cicada or something, some kind of droning noise."
Dan checked the monitor again. "We got rid of the parasprites so I don't know what it could be." He spooled through the images on the display, scanning the skies.
"You really thought it would be that easy?" the intercom blared. "You'd make a good pirate, Captain Dan. Eager for a quick victory, a trait I admire. Unfortunately, I won't be letting you have it."
"There!" Shining pointed a hoof at the screen. "I… I see something!"
"I see it too!" Cadence said. "It's some kind of a blur, a distortion!"
"What do you think, honey? Bird-of-prey?"
Cadence shook her head. "Too big. It's something bigger."
"But what?"
"What are you guys talking about?" Dan asked. He squinted at the monitor. "That smudge? Is there something on the camera? Wait… why is it moving?"
Shining swallowed. "Dan… that's a stealth ship. It's a ship that can turn itself almost invisible."
"We should've known a bunch of pirates would have one," Cadence said through gritted teeth.
Dan's eyes went wide. "Stealth? They have a stealth bomber?"
"No," Shining shook his head. "Something bigger. Much worse. But we have a chance, though."
"How?
Shining thought for a moment, not taking his eyes off the distortion. "They can't fire while they're invisible. That means, they'll have to decloak to fire. Usually."
"Usually?!" Dan asked. "Well, all right, let's target the blurry spot with the ion cannon," he said, getting the controls again. "We'll hit it the moment it decloaks."
"Warning: Ion cannon offline. Critical ion feedback detected. Please contact an administrator."
"Contact an administrator?" Phoenix shrieked in panic. "What does that even mean?!"
Dan looked back at the screen, the blur getting closer to them. "It means we need to duck."
"Disengage cloak. Lock phasers on target."
The hovering distortion over Ponyville materialized into a half-saucer-like ship. Its bow was like a disk that connected to a boxy stern section with a curved bar over the top and another attachment in the center of the arch. Underneath it were two long rail-like spars, engine nacelles. It had a set of angry sharp teeth painted along the underside of the saucer, making it look like some hybrid shark-spaceship. It was clearly a stolen ship- whatever it was intended for now, it was meant for piracy. It was meant for revenge.
Stolen Federation Miranda-class Light Cruiser NCC-1864-R
UGC Flagship U Mad Bro
Formerly U.S.S Reliant, Starfleet vessel
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Glorious chapter well done man, well done!
Hehehe, when she yelled out Jiffy... I thought of Jiffy Pop
Ground Warfare? The Blast Sisters got this!
All of my yes! Best enemy ship ever!
Gust has to have an amazing chest.
Now I wonder how are they going to deal with finding places for all the koed gryphons until they recover.
Now all Dan has to do it turn the luxury that is the Reliant Rialto, into the second assist Reliant Robin.
I thought the problem for firing while cloaked was a short duration power bank that occupied certain cargo sections or similar, and is related to the problem of transporting or firing with shields engaged origionally, needing better control over the computer systems synchronising the two together.
You know, its time like this when you wish you had a giant hair spray cannister filled with the hair care product that is the optically active componant of Starlight, the material that reflects high density energy straight back where it came from. Phase Conjugate or Time Reversal material.
Wish I could remember how to make slow light clouds. Hilarious those, you fire a laser in one side, it slows right down, you turn the cloud around, and it comes back out where you aim, or a combination of effects. Dense cloud can be scanned through with Starfleet tech so easily, but its only when you fire, if you dont have a real good science officer tracking, you realise whats going on.
Starlight doesnt reflect the low energy scanning radiation the same way as high energy weaponry.
0.0'
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. . .
cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/55420914.jpg
these memes sum up what I'm thinking right now...
7205384 I need your avatar. Irl
7205489
So do I man, so do I
7205392 We actually like that design, too. Unlike the others, it's actually original. Based on the Inexpugnable-cass tactical command ship from the KOTOR comics, we call her an Expunger-class tactical carrier.
We've envisioned All of My Yes as the primary carrier for the griffon pirate fleet, as in it's where most of the griffon flight squadrons lounge, sleep, hangout and live when they're not patrolling or pirating. It's designed to be a ring-shaped ship with a fair amount of gun emplacements for protection but a hole in the center for easy flight access. Imagine flying inner tube with four huge pipes stuck horizontally through the side- the back end of the "pipes" are the engines and the front are missile tubes.
Griffons are deployed from hatches and hangars on the outer and inner rims of the ring. The ring itself stays aloft by being mostly inflated in places, again like an inner tube. It also stays in the air through various turbine engines, gloss air rings and props located on the the outer hull of the vessel itself. The bridge is situated on a raised platform at the back edge of the to give the crew an impressive field of view and aids in coordination in the deployment of griffon squadrons.
Inside the ship, most of the space is crew quarters and cargo with engineering at the rear under the bridge. The cargo holds and hangars take up most of the space on multiple decks on the outer and inner rims of the ship, divided into upper and lower sections. Once in a target area, the All of My Yes opens its bays and hundreds of swarming griffons fly out from the ship, pluck a target town, city or other airship for all its plunder and then return to fill the hangar bays they left with precious booty. Any resistance is taken care of by the griffons themselves- the guns on the ship, while useful for defense and light engagement, are not that useful for assault. They can be used for assault but the other ships in the fleet with heavier guns or griffons carrying heavier ordnance tend to be more effective.
Ah, but that's just functionality. Let's talk about luxury! The Expunger-class is one of the only ships in the 1st EA that was actually designed and built by the griffons themselves. Like most griffon architecture, it was painted gold and silver at first but prolonged use has made the paint peel and flake in many places, revealing the steel grey underneath. But, the griffons of Gust's fleet have made their own redesigns to the Yes's appearance and what's most impressive is the topside.
In front of the bridge and along the top part of the ring, the griffons have used sand to create an artificial beach in the sky. Perfect for games of volleyball, tanning their feathers or just relaxing in the sun. They even installed(stole and installed) a pool and modified the space under the bridge to function as a beachside cafe and bar complete with music and swim up blackjack. The Yes can even land in the water, completing the beach atmosphere. In short, it's a floating, flying resort.
Because these griffons are pirates and government-endorsed raiders operating far away from griffon territory, it can be quite a long time before they see their homes. So, fraternization among the ranks and romance is greatly encouraged. Morale is important to these griffons and Gust knows the All of My Yes is an integral part of his fleet in more ways than one. Fun fact: it has a sister ship called Shut Up and Take My Money!
And yes, this is all canon. Just wait till we get to the zebras, sea ponies and donkeys.
7205436 I do love those memes.
7205591 Nice! Though, all these descriptions and all I can think of is a griffon version of Top Gun, because of that artificial beach on top of it.
*goes back to humming the soundtrack to Wrath of Khan*
7206010
That is pretty much what we're going for.
7206510 Yes, you can skip through to the next episode, sorry. Meaning to delete those now that the episode is complete. Sorry about that.
7206505
...
*calmly walks over to his record player, puts a vintage copy of the Top Gun soundtrack in it, cranks the speakers up, sits down comfortably and hits play*
Hah, it'd be awesome if the Top Gun griffon team stayed around to work off the attack by helping with the defence of something, the world needs more homoerotic beach volleyball.
Aaaaand now I'll spend the next two weeks being Danger Zone out of my head.
7210050 Yeah, I know, we could've gone with about four different versions but decided to go with the Strikes Back version. You're free to submit suggestions, though. We got room.
Have no fear Dan is here, is the Griffons don't like it they can kiss mah rear! Seriously: Dan just took down most of the Griffon fleet AND a horde of Parasprites, there is just no limit to his awesomeness
But then that damned tech-support message ... oh so many great devices have been felled by it. Come on Dan and friends, you can do it! Hurry up and find something to sue the mother-bucking Griffons for Phoenix! I believe in you ^_^
As hilarious as that red October reference would have been, it's good to see the old reliant up and about again. Probably my, fourth favorite star trek ship to date.
Good chapter. ~Dollars.
Loved that bit with, "that escalated quickly."
7210424 I was actually surprised to see how many fans there were. Entire groups dedicated to different iterations of the Reliant, especial the 1864-A. They had their own website and apparently each of them took a role as the crew with an updated Phoenix-class model of the ship. So I couldn't use those versions. Could've used E or any other letter but we chose R for… several reasons.
Now, to be clear, the NCC-1864-R is a Miranda-class just as Khan's hijacked one was. However, Reliant-R is a modified version as she has a cloaking device similar to the Polaris. We were actually debating whether or not to make her Terran but… I think we've had enough nods to the Terran Empire so far :rarity wink: You'll note that the griffons have also painted the ship's hull so it's more pirate-y, adding teeth and angry eyes, probably flames or painted-on talons on the nacelles, too.
We have quite a lot of ships in the griffon's fleet but where exactly did they all come from? Team Plasma's frigate, even Colress have made an appearance. What exactly are they doing there? Well, you're going to find that out very soon.
7210186 Dan loves you, dear. And to be honest, I kinda do too
The Colress reference was for you, debating on throwing a digimon one in there but might save that for next season. All the references must have an order to them but, I wanted to let you know you have been an inspiration.
7211080 Oh my Oprah thank you
I only became a Dan-girl this year but I love his antics and am still waiting for seasons 2 and 3 on DVD. Once I joined FimFiction and found your fic I was hooked! Whenever I'm having one of those bad days I come on here and re-read one of your chapters, Dan vs Derpy (the Family Guy and Grim Adventures references are my favs there) Dan vs the Zombie Ponies (Danalis forever!), Michael and his long-suffering friend Barro (will they ever get payback?) and I instantly cheer up!
Thank you so much for that extra Colress reference, knowing you actually thought about my comment makes me happier than Fluffle in Cloudsdale! Would you ever consider an Okami reference in Season 2? I imagine Chibiterasu getting lots of attention for his adorable cuteness from Fluffle! But the thing I want most of all? Mr Mumbles, being reunited with Dan would be even cuter than Chibi and Fluffle!
Whatever you write next I'm gonna love it, thank you for making my Saturday's with weekly doses of laughs and for making my year with your reply. Fluffle hugs always ^_^
7212919 Michael and I are very much still on the trail of whoever it was who sold him those fake raffle tickets. We'll be touching on this a little bit more in the upcoming episode Dan Vs. Barro. I'm planning on asking the audience whether they'd like it to be in season 2 or still in season 1. In fact, we're still debating on which season to go to next.
You'll note that the episodes so far have been focusing on different ponies or events, not the mane 6. Dan seems to already have a fairly good relationship with them… somehow. Not only that, he likes Equestria and most forms of magic. He's downright comfortable there. Chrys is very much in love with Dan and is somewhat timid and shy, while still nerdy. In the blogs, she was usually mischievous to all of them and Fluffle was goofy. Well, Fluffle is still a goofball but what happened to Chryssies' sinister streak? How is Dan no longer lactose intolerant?
Enter Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 0- Citizen Dan). Season 0 will be a 12 episode season focusing on Dan Vs. the Mane 6 and other ponies around town. Dan Vs. Twilight, Dan Vs. Applejack, Dan Vs. The CMC will all be in the prequel season. The prequel season is set between Season 2 and Season 3 of MLP: FiM and will chronicle Dan's initial efforts to adapt to life in Ponyville living with Twilight Sparkle. It concludes with Dan becoming a citizen of Equestria and finally being welcomed in to Twilight's life, content with how things are. Of course, all this will be undone when Twilight goes to the Crystal Empire for the Equestria Girls movie and Dan decides he wants to be a bigger part of Equestria and Twilight's life.
Also, if there's anything you wish to add, OCs, ideas, anything, feel free to let me know and we can work it in. There's plenty of room, believe me. Even the most out-of-place stuff can be just more things for Dan to fight XD
7212919 Also, Colress is a recurring character now. We're going to have a brief intermission at some point where we see most of the Pokemon villain criminal gangs including everyone's favorite barrel of fun, Lysander.