"Yo, they should make some kinda kickass armored thing that we could just drive around in and blow stuff up. That'd be awesome."
~Plato's "The Republic But With Tanks"
The tank glimmered with polished clear-blue Royal Guard crystal-metal armor. Supported on four large, durable and extra-thicc wheels, the turret on the front made the wagon look like one big, wheeled, armored pony. Next to the cannon were two smaller mounted tubes that resembled a pair of pencils tucked under the 'pony''s ears. The 'tail' of the wagon ended in a blade, presumably to dissuade any who might try and attack from behind.
The entire thing was so beautiful, the tank looked just like a tank. A big, beautiful tank, the tanks of which perfectly accentuated the tank. The tank, combined with the tank's tank and the tank with the tank, helped to emphasize the tank-ness of the tank with the tank and the tank tank tank, tank tank tank tank-tank tank. Tank tank, tank tank-tank-tank tank, tanktank, tank tankety tank tank with two tanks and a tank on top. It's a tank.
At least, that's what was going through Dan's tank, err, mind at the time.
"Now, Dan AND Phoenix," Twilight began, "I want you both to be very careful and responsible with the battle wagon."
"Twilight-"
Twilight closed her eyes. "Watch where you're driving, pay attention to where you're aiming and try not damage the town."
"Twilight," Phoenix tapped her.
"And above all, be safe. Buckle up and don't do anything dangerous."
"Twilight, he already jumped in the tank."
"I know," Twilight's eyes popped open. She then opened her wings, kicked off from the ground and took to the sky expertly. "And I'm going to be helping you!"
"What?!"
"What?!"
"Uh, what?"
Dan's head popped out of the top hatch of the tank to ask, "What? No, I mean actually 'what?' I was in the tank, I heard none of that. Also, GET IN THE TANK!"
"You're coming with us? I mean, that's a great idea!" Phoenix exclaimed. (Especially because you can shield us!)
"GET IN THE TANK!"
"Mm-hmm," Twilight nodded. "I want to speak with the sea ponies, find out why they're attacking us. And also prevent Dan from killing them all."
"GET IN THE TANK!"
"You... think you'll be able to do that?"
"I don't see why not, once we can translate their language."
"GET IN THE TANK!"
"No, I meant preventing Dan from killing them all."
"Oh."
"Hey guys?"
Twilight and Phoenix turned back to Dan. He gleefully looked down at them from atop the gleaming tank, sea ponies and pegasi fighting in the background, an explosion close to the ground that lit up his smiling, uncharacteristically tranquil-looking face. Neither of them liked that look. "Yes, Dan?"
"Oh, nothing. Was just kinda wondering when you two wanted to get back to the war. You know the war? Funny story about the war- true story; IT'S GOING ON ALL AROUND US RIGHT NOW!!" Dan yelled, causing the tank to tilt. "NOW GET IN THE TANK!" The pair saluted for some reason and scrambled aboard the tank.
"Wow, it's actually... spacious."
"All three chairs have heated cushions!" Dan exclaimed. "And there's an auto-loading sequence for the shells! So you're gonna drive, I'm gonna shoot and Twilight's gonna Twilight."
"At least it's not another contraption shaped like my face," Twilight commented. "And please don't use my name as a verb."
"Does that mean Phoenix can't Wright?" Phoenix grinned sheepishly. (Badum-tiss)
"I will say this, Dan. I'm proud of you for showing at least a little responsibility. I mean, I half-expected you to just drive off in the tank and start blasting things," Twilight said.
"Me too."
"It's nice to see you wait for us," Twilight smiled. And they expected Dan to say something sarcastic back, something nearly disparaging that exemplified his adherence to his true nature. But he didn't.
"I'll always wait for you guys. I couldn't do this without you," Dan said. He did it quickly, casually, not quite as warm as it could have been but warmth was definitely there. It was a feeling and it was true.
"Awwww," they both went.
Dan held up a booklet. "Yeah, the instruction manual says you need at least three to operate this thing," he said casually. And moment ruined. But out of the corner of his eye, their expressions caught him. "But yeah, I need you guys for like... moral support. And stuff."
"Awwww," they went again. "He's trying to say he needs us because we're his friends."
Phoenix nodded. "These moments are precious."
Dan grin-sneered. "Precious enough to kill for," he said, pulling down the periscope. "And with that in mind~"
Warning: The following scenes do not in any way reflect safe or responsible operation of armored-BLAARARRAAARRA
The tank blew up the disclaimer with a single powerful blast of its cannon. The wheels on it spun, grinding so rapidly that the tank actually sank into the dirt. In an instant, the entire tank had dug its way underground.
Spinner and Springer looked out the windows of their aircraft. "Uhh... was that supposed to happen?"
"Dan? Phoenix? TWILIGHT?!" Springer yelled into the hole. Even the Golden Oaks had for some reason leaned over to peer into the hole that had been dug into the ground near it.
*BLAAAAHHMMM!* The tank erupted out of the ground, creating another gaping hole in the ground. It landed on its wheels and sped off down the street.
"It's times like this I'm thankful I'm a pegasus," Lightning Claw commented. "Pretty sure Dan's got it, Springer. Let's head back up top and help out Cloudsdale!"
"I copy."
"Hey, are we gonna try your Decoy Cloudsdale idea? That sounded pretty awesome when you told us about it." The pair of Flutterbirds took off.
After we find my brothers, Lightning thought to himself. Vice Grip and the Director were both nowhere to be seen, as were the forces they had assembled. Dan's destruction of their underground base had silenced all activity from Lightning's former employers. Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, both brief admins of FIST, had only been aware of their forces' evacuation to Canterlantis before Dan had destroyed the base.
Without any other leads to follow, it was actually a stroke of good luck that the sea ponies just now decided to invade. Part of the reason Twilight wanted to question them was because she believed they may have information as to where the princesses and her other friends were. Like Twilight, Lightning had a reason to want at least a few of them in a state where they were conscious enough to talk to. Unfortunately, the sea ponies weren't interested in talking.
And their might not be any of them left to talk to after Dan was done with them.
"Ah-hahahaha! HA-HAHAHAHA!" *BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM* The tank rolled through Ponyville's streets at speeds comparable to Flim and Flam's latest jet car contraption, which they hadn't been able to fully name yet. Dust clouds and dirt streams were kicked up from the tank's armored wheels, billows of smoke and fire bloomed from the sides of the cannon with each blast.
The tank smashed through overturned carts on the road. Dan drove it through the patio of a seasonal cafe, destroying most of the furniture in the process. The cannon fired, destroying a makeshift blockade in the middle of the road, scattering burning wood and debris throughout the town. Three entire blocks had been reduced to piles of rubble and not because of the sea ponies.
Dan had been in control of the tank for exactly seventeen seconds.
"HAHAHAHA! BLAHAHAHAHA!" Dan laughed maniacally, firing five rounds in quick succession. He blasted off the upper floor of a motel that looked almost exactly like the one he used to live in, he blew off the top of a windmill, causing the mill blades to fly off on fire, he blew up a gas station which no one knew why it had been there in the first place and he drove through the Day Spa and then blew the entire building to pieces.
Twilight and Phoenix were pressed to the back of the tank by the velocity of Dan's driving. "Um, Dan?" Twilight asked.
"AH HA! AHAHAHA!!" *BABOOM!*
"Hey, Dan?!" Phoenix yelled.
"I know you're having fun, but..."
"Maybe we could turn our attention to the sea ponies now?"
"Sea ponies? Oh, yeah. Them," Dan said. He shifted the tank's gears and drove to the southern section of town towards Mane Street. He left behind the demolished parts of the worker's housing district in the process.
"Tell me we had a good reason for blowing up a third of Ponyville," Phoenix said. Twilight shrugged.
"Stealth sea ponies," was Dan's only reply. Then he added, "Also, we're gonna need a place to house prisoners, those buildings were already condemned, I saw Blueblood build most of them after he took over and they've already been evacuated anyway."
"Wow. Wait, stealth sea ponies? Really?" Twilight asked.
"I guess that... does make sense to demolish those buildings, then."
"Sure," Dan said. "Or I just blew up part of Ponyville because I felt like it. One or the other. BAH-HAHAHAHA!!" *BAM BAM BAM*
Whether or not Dan knew about it, there had in fact been sea ponies that had infiltrated that part of town.
Dazed, burnt and covered in debris, they stared up at the sky. "How... how did he know we were here?"
"Shut up, Ebby."
The tank rocked down to Electric Avenue and made a right onto Penny Lane. This small street of town contained electronics outlet stores, a video rental place and three different arcades. Most of the shops and restaurants had been abandoned or were closed, but none showed very much damage, a good sign. Although Dan had told Phoenix he'd be driving, the shorter human had taken the liberty by using his feet to steer and kick the gears to shift. Phoenix did not object to this.
"Looks like Easy Street is still intact," Phoenix commented. "Looks like the drive-in's going to need a new screen, though."
"Abbey Road and Other Song Reference Street are blocked off," Twilight said. The two were looking through the hatches in the side of the tank, surveying damage to the town. "Dan? Can you clear the debris blocking the OSRS?'
"Hang on," Dan cranked a lever. The tank's turret turned. *BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!* "That get it?"
"You missed a little on the right." *BLAM!* "Okay, you're good now. Thanks, Dan."
"Heh, you mean Tanks Dan. And yes, yes he does," Dan grinned. He continued driving the tank towards Mane Street, once again traveling back towards the center of town and the Town Hall where last he'd left Trixie, Berry Punch and Blueblood.
A Flutterbird flew low overhead. Surprisingly, it dropped off another tank.
"Hey... hey, there's another tank!" Dan exclaimed.
"Another MALA?" Twilight asked.
The radio echoed through the tank. "This is Marshal Ally of the Royal Guard. Sea ponies are deploying armor into the town. All tanks, form up and push them south towards the town entrance!"
"Hey, it's Al!" Dan picked up the transceiver. "Al, it's Dan! Are you in the other tank?"
"Yes, Captain Dan, good to hear from you. Let's work together to get these sea ponies out of Ponyville."
"I read ya, Al!" The two tanks formed up and pushed onto Mane Street, cannons firing alternating blasts.
Tanks For the Memories.
If things get really bad, someone can always Portal the Hounds over? Im sure Crusader wouldnt mind the request for help.
Very important are super comfortable crew compartments in combat vehicles. Whats the point of having a hull that can withstand a nuke, if slapping it with an antipersonel round causes you to hit your head on a sharp edge that takes your scalp off, or dropping only a few feet snaps your back over a supporting bar?
A10 pilots get Titanium bathtubs, these guys could be looking at glass and sapphire fibre reinforced gel seats. Lot easier to have 150mm on your seat than on the whole tank. And its got to get through the tank as well.
Still, smeones going to be very supprised when CalTechs analog optical phase array laser emmiters are used to create thin film hull flat phased energy plasma beam generators.
MIMO me Oh My.
Did you know that the longest journey over open water on a tread powered snow skidoo is 3 miles to an offshore island? It abused the fact that you hit water fast enough, it behaves like concrete. Which is how gel armour works.
You can try running, but you aint getting away.
Okay, now this is starting to remind me a bit of Seek and Destroy, that was a fun tank game, heheh!
Nice job! I bet the Blasties are a little jelly of not being in a tank themselves, hehe.
No matter what, Dan's destruction rampage will further his vengeance somehow. Even if it's by complete accident.
I was kinda going they'd drop a Maus. No, not to use as a tank, just drop it on top of someone. :B
Konnichiwa Honoured Author! I am back and feeling much better this week, thank you for your kind words in that respect and apologies for my delayed reply, it shan't happen again! Now, where was I? Oh yes: a new chapter means it's ~Sunday~ now lemme see here (dons reading glasses)
It's just ... too beautiful for words! This is the Tankiest Tank to ever Tank our Tank-Damned enemies ... so beautiful
Naaawww Tank Buddies blasting the enemy to bits together!
Hold the phone Ramone ... more Tanks? As in a greater number of Tanks than we already had? Awe~some
Now for my Favourite Quotes:
Just about the best opening quote of this Campaign, I doubt even Criminal Minds has this level of wit
There are no words for this beauty that is being described
I had already guess what Dan would do (I mean come on who wouldn't?) but Twilight honestly surprised me! Good girl Twilight, very good girl
Is it any wonder that they saluted? Honestly? Thought so. Moving on!
Aww, more Tank Buddy moments sprinkled with Dan's perfectly appropriate responses. And with a warning big enough to be blown up it's gotta be good! Teehee not to mention that witty line Phoenix added, brava Mr Wright! You are certainly the Right Wright for us
Twilight? Just ... go with it and don't rock the bo-uh I mean Tank! Don't rock the Tan k
See Twilight? Dan is always right! Plus, sorry it's been a while, but are these two targets-I mean Sea Ponies the aquatic versions of Becky and Chelsea? If so wouldn't it be fun if these four met?
... Did I read this right? The D-Tank blasted down Electric Avenue then through all the miscellaneous musical-referenced roads? Awe~some
I've totally forgotten who Al is (sorry!) but fry those horse-shaped fish Al
Phew, that's everything I loved (most) about this week's chapter. More blasting is to come I just know it and already love it! Oh-oh! Can we get a Tank-variant styled after Fluffle? The Fluffle Tank will be coated in snuggly soft fluff but pack BIG firepower in a the form of power hugs of death (Sorry I'm playing Pokémon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon and am thinking about catching a Bewear to mix up my team roster, snuggly and lethal, just my style!)
Thank you for my weekly dose of Dan-sanity, it's especially appreciated after a week of being unable to truly appreciate it.
Awesome as always and I'll see you ~next time~
Your Eternal Fan ^_^
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Happy you're feeling better, sweetie. Looking forward to reading your next long review when I'm on break.
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Hello Mr Barro! I pressed 'Post' too soon so had to go back and add my usual favourite comments (and my comments on those comments), so my usual lengthy review is available ... I apologise in advance for the lengthy reviews, there is just so much to give kudos too but I can't copy and paste the whole chapter ... or can I? No, no that would be rude taking up so much review space!
(Seriously though, can we have a Fluffle Tank one day? I imagine Fluffle driving (only fair!) Dan shooting the targets and Chryssy using a Fluffle Shield to make things extra fluffy)!
Wishing you a pleasant Sunday from Merry Ol' England and adieu Mr Barro ^_^
Tank.
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Aegis Ally is a very minor character, so don't feel bad. He originally was one of the royal guard ponies from Episode 5 and he's just around to be a competent supportive character, give SOME degree of seriousness to the story. He's also there to demonstrate Equestria's own endurance and the state of the royal guard without most of their numbers.
And we have many Fluffle Puff-related plans involving... Fluffle Puff. We have stuff for her.