Anonymous just wants to find a way home. That's too bad, because the ponies of Equestria (the mares, especially) have found out that he tastes very good. Whenever a pony tastes him, they're overcome with a desire to try and eat him. It's rather annoying for him, especially when he's only five centimeters tall.

Contains soft vore.

Does not contain clop or any of the other things commonly associated with vore. The sex tag is for context and conversation topics only. Character tags will be updated as the story progresses.

Celestia's life hasn't been as fun as you might think. When she was younger, her parents were too busy for her. As she grew up, she became more detached from the little ponies around her. Luckily, she had a friend who would be there with her forever.

Daniel Habbuck, UN ambassador to Equestria, hates his job.

Sure it pays well, but it's hardly worth having to put up with flank-kissing politicians and the stomach twisting anxiety of knowing that he represents all of humanity.
One night, after a particularly tense meeting leaves him wound up, Daniel is desperate for somepony to talk to. With his friends either busy or too far away, he hires a batpony prostitute, just so he can have some company.

As he soon learns, there's much more to this streetwalker than meets the eye...

Rated T for sexual references, but no clop.

Special thanks to WingmanRed, Georg, and Kraken Hatchling for proofreading and editing

EDIT: Special, special thanks to Comrade Pony for the suggestions
EDIT: Deleted cover art.

When Twilight Sparkle decides to try a new spell she has perfected, she successfully pulls a being from another universe into Equestria. That being coincidentally is a human...that human coincidentally is you. What at first just seems like an opportunity for first contact between two species soon becomes something much more when certain truths are brought to light...and everything you knew about your life is flipped onto its head.

NOTE: At times in this story, the main character's thought process will be shown as an inner monologue with his brain. BRAIN's dialogue will appear in this color of text.

You are a human, Anonymous, that has lived in Equestria for two years. After a Hearth's Warming Eve spent together, Anonymous goes through a revolutionary phase when he realizes that Rainbow Dash, his closest friend in this world, has been harboring feelings for him that he never even noticed. How did he never notice? Why him, and not a stallion? Is he some kind of xenophiliac deep down?

Rated for language, along with various sexual-themed exploits. But no sex. Because sex with pastel-colored horses shouldn't be posted on websites that are meant to be browsed by anyone who can click a check box on a dropdown list used by anyone browsing a website. Or at least made to be more secure than that. Because really, who would want to read something like that?

This story has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit the prose-reading mind.

Audioplay (Complete!)

Links to Commando Pony's reading:
Chapters 1-4
Chapters 5-8

UPDATE! The original version of this story was recently added to the /mlp/ collaboration of "Tales To Fap Too - Volume #3". You can purchase the paperback version here (all proceeds go to charity):
Link to paperback version
Again, it is the unedited version, so you'll be reading it in full 4chan greentext format. Also, you'll get spoilers. Spoilers everywhere.

A collection of short stories that make light of cultural differences and misinterpretations between species. Shit gets hella awkward, yo.

I'm so sorry, Anon...

You have a close friend that you have started to feel more for? Then this is the perfect book for you! Join us as we provide a path from friendship to romance that will work for everypony!
And don't worry: If you follow these steps, there's absolutely nothing that can go wrong!

Advertisement for "How To Become More Than Friends: A Guide In Five Easy Steps"

You are Anon, and you managed to marry your love, Princess Celestia. However, fate conspires against you, and you end up bound to her sister as well.

Now if only you knew more about Luna than her name.

Anon is a cheap bastard, and hates paying to stay at places. Ergo, when Twilight threatens him with either paying rent or writing weekly friendship letters for room and board, Anon takes the free route. Too bad the free route is filled with frustration, confusion, and autism. Otherwise known as interacting with the local populace of Ponyville at least once a week.

>topkek

TRIGGER WARNINGS: this fic includes racial, homophobic, and equine slurs that are used purely for comedy's sake and are not meant to offend or cause a problem in the community... mostly.

"For some reason I've chosen to write more letters to that stupid Princess. Let me know who you want me to write about for future chapters." –Anonymous

PROFESSIONAL REVIEWS

–Okter

"Thank you for confirming my suspicion that Anon is gay." –Uniame

"So, did they get sexual harassment cutie marks?" –DRaily

"What the fuck anon" –Qaz223

"ANON DID NOTHING WRONG" –nothingtoseehere

"So majestic" –Xzaves

A slightly more realistic take on the "Human in Equestria" story concept.

... For a given value of "realistic."

Okay, it's barely realistic but it is a hell of a lot of fun...

Now with an image graciously provided by Page Turner, and an audiobook version narrated by multifanficaday and if you prefer it in German, FrankyDoodle has got you covered!

And a TVTropes Page!

Last Featured: 11/26/2019! Thank you so much!