//------------------------------// // Thirty-One // Story: Hands // by Andrew Joshua Talon //------------------------------// Hands A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction By Andrew J. Talon DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release. - - - - - - And now, for the Christmas episode… In two parts. - - - - - - Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, looked up from her bee hives with a bemused expression. They were kept warm with magic during the winter, but she still tended them visually every day. "You want to know about what?" "Christmas," Applebloom said eagerly, speaking for the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "Shepherd is unhappy about being away from home, since Christmas is a big deal for him-" "And we want to make a surprise for him, but we need to know all the details!" Scootaloo said, leaning eagerly on her scooter handlebars. Sweetie nodded in affirmation. "Mmhm! He told us the basic story, but since you were a human for a while, we thought you could fill us in!" Chrysalis sighed and shook her head. She checked on her bees-Nope, nothing that needed doing for a while. She briefly thought about just ignoring these three... And grimaced as she remembered the last time she tried that. "It is a long, complicated story," Chrysalis said. The Crusaders beamed back at her. "We have time!" They said. The Changeling Queen groaned, and sat down on her haunches. The fillies followed suit. "All right... It starts, actually, with what most humans consider to be the beginning of their world and race," Chrysalis began. "In the beginning, the God of humans-" "Like their Princess, right?" Asked Sweetie Belle. Chrysalis nodded. "Yes, but far more twisted," Chrysalis stated. "Anyway, their God created their homeworld Earth, and everything else. He then created humans, and put them in a paradise called 'Eden'. Here, they could freely live, talk with God whenever they wanted, and just be happy. Not too dissimilar from how things are here, with you ponies." "So what happened?" Scootaloo asked. Chrysalis smirked a bit. "The condition they had of living in Eden was to never eat the fruit of a magic tree that would give them the same knowledge as God, but not the wisdom of how to use it effectively. That's it. All they had to do was not eat from one tree in all of Eden. And guess what they did?" The fillies looked at one another, and back to the storyteller. "They... Ate it?" Asked Applebloom. Chrysalis snorted. "Of course they ate it! You tell a human that they could live a life of ease and fulfillment, and what do they do? They do the exact opposite!" She shook her head. "To be fair, a former servant of God called Lucifer helped to trick them into it, because he wanted revenge on God for firing him. But they still made the choice, and thus they had to leave Eden and go and toil. They couldn't even know for sure if God was real: It was their choice!" She huffed. "And for the most part, when they died they would go to Hell." "Hell?" Asked Scootaloo. "Tartarus, but far worse," explained Chrysalis. "They would be tortured forever by Lucifer, who was so bitter towards being fired by God he wanted to corrupt and pervert and torture the very thing God had made. What I'm saying is that Lucifer is a far more petty villain than I am." "Woah," Sweetie Belle muttered. Chrysalis glared at her, and the unicorn filly blushed. "Sorry!" "Anyway, their God figured out what kind of idiots he had actually created. And being a rather clever God, he came up with a plan." "What kind of plan?" Asked Scootaloo, flapping her wings a bit. "He decided that he would walk among the humans and teach them directly," Chrysalis said, "and then die for their sins to appease Satan." "But... How can a god die?" Asked Applebloom. Chrysalis smirked. "If he lets himself get killed by his own creation, of course!" The three fillies gaped in astonishment. Scootaloo stuttered out, "Wh-What?" "Yes," Chrysalis said with a nod. "God knew that humans would never grow in wisdom in using the knowledge that they had taken from him if he just stuck around. They wouldn't accept it, and despite everything God respected his creation. So! He would teach the humans the start of the wisdom they would need to use this knowledge effectively, but do it in a way that would make them kill him." "... His plan was to make the people he was trying to save... Kill him?" Asked Sweetie Belle in disbelief. Chrysalis nodded. "Humans are capable of great love. I should know-I wanted to feed on them. But they are fierce, untamed beings with a power they wildly abuse! So since their God knew this about them, his plan makes perfect sense. He would become a human, by the name of Jesus, and teach them wisdom. And be killed for it, and sent to Hell." "Wait... Then what?" Applebloom asked with a scowl. "That's it? That's all?" Chrysalis smirked, and chuckled. She did have a love of the theatrical, after all. "No... For you see, God was even more clever than that. Lucifer was gloating over having the Son of God-" "Wait, Son of God? Isn't he God though?" Asked Scootaloo, now a bit confused. Chrysalis shrugged. "I believe he just called Jesus his son to make it easier for humans to understand it. Their God apparently has a hive mentality, able to exist as multiple beings but with the same mind and so on. Humans can't do that, so he just said he was God's son." "Ohhh," the Crusaders said, nodding as one. "Okay!" "Anyway, Lucifer was gloating over having God in Hell, thinking he'd won," Chrysalis said, "but Jesus just kind of smiled and said 'I am not locked in here with you. You are locked in here with me.' And he proceeded to use his power to break free and liberate all the souls in Hell to escape." The three fillies were awestuck. Sweetie Belle grinned. "Oh! I get it! Because humans were so destructive, God must have taken human form to get into Hell where he could use HIS power and humanity's power at the same time!" "Exactly," Chrysalis said with a nod, smiling approvingly. She was a bright filly, Chrysalis had to give her that. "That tendency of humans to come up with utterly insane plans that work? That's what Jesus used. So anyway, Jesus liberated Hell, brought the souls up to Heaven, and returned to Earth to tell his followers he'd beaten death, kicked Lucifer's plot, and that by following his example they wouldn't have to go to Hell. So that they could gain the wisdom to use their power responsibly. Some would still go to Hell, but eventually God would liberate them too and bring them back to Heaven, when humanity had finally proven they could use their power as well as God." Chrysalis sighed. "Then the descendants of those leaders left out the part about God liberating all souls from Hell anyway, and then another group of humans wrote fanfiction about a prophet who came after Jesus who was the real deal and that caused a lot of trouble for everyone... Then those following God split into different sects based on tiny differences in interpretation, other humans who think God is several Gods but wants to spread the same kind of wisdom, a lot of humans who pretend there is no God but act just the same..." The Changeling sighed and rubbed her temples. "Frankly, I can only imagine God was expecting this." She shook her head. "He probably has a plan to fix this too... Which humans will screw up. Again." The Crusaders hummed. "Still," Scootaloo said, "I think that makes it a lot easier to make into a play." "Yeah!" Said Sweetie Belle happily. "And it's exciting enough everypony will love it!" "And Andrew'll be happy!" Applebloom said. Chrysalis briefly considered telling the three Crusaders that humans could be touchy when it came to their Gods and interpretations of them... But frankly, the prospect of getting one over on the human was too attractive to ignore. "And I can even help you," Chrysalis said, with a wicked smirk. "ALL RIGHT!" The Cutie Mark Crusaders crowed, "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CHRISTMAS PLAYERS-YAY!" "Yay, indeed," the Changeling queen chuckled. - - - - - - "Come on Shepherd, no long face!" Dash said, flapping her wings as she hovered alongside yours truly, the only Human in Equestria. I sighed and rubbed the back of my head, as I joined the stream of ponies heading to the community theater. "I dunno... I'm not feeling particularly enthused," I said. Twilight and Fluttershy trotted on either side of me, as the rest of the Holders of Harmony made their way in the same group. Pinkie was bouncing about, flitting from place to place like an overactive electron though, but she was at least in a similar orbit. Haha, physics joke. "Come on... Applebloom put her heart 'n soul into this," Applejack said. Twilight smiled. "Yes! The Cutie Mark Crusaders actually asked us all for some help on this project," Twilight said. I frowned deeply, wracking my head to think of any meetings with the three Fillies of doom... "All of you?" I asked. Fluttershy frowned. "Yes... They didn't ask you?" "No," I said, grimacing a bit. "Did I... Upset them or anything?" "Now now dear, fillies can be very fickle," Rarity advised. "And we've all been busy. After all, who was it who was helping Smokestack restore that automobile?" "Me," I said flatly. I sighed. "I still feel bad about it." "Well! Now you're at the play, and you can sooth your conscience," Dash said with a nod and a smile. "Besides... They were doing it for you," Twilight intimated with a knowing smile. I blinked at her, and raised an eyebrow as we took our seats near the front. "For me? What kind of show is this-?" "We would enjoy your silence, please!" Cheerilee called out from the stage. The crowd settled down, and I turned my gaze to the dark pink pony teacher. She smiled down at us. "This year's Hearth's Warming Eve is a little different. We are telling a story of a similar holiday, from a far away world," she spoke. "One with different players, and different context... But the same spirit. Thanks to information supplied by Princess Celestia, and Chrysalis, I give you," and Cheerilee pulled away with a smile as the curtains opened, "the Equestria Elementary School Christmas Pageant!" I could feel Twilight and Fluttershy hold my hands with their hooves. I guess I looked like I needed it, since my jaw had fallen to the ground. A cardboard cutout of the Earth, with a backdrop of cheap stars made out of lights, appeared as the curtains parted. One of the colts from the school, Snips I think, trotted out wearing a beard and a red robe, as well as a fake crown, and wings to compliment his unicorn horn. He rose his hooves up, and cleared his throat. "I. Am. God!" He announced. "The First, and the Last! The Alpha, and the Amiga! The Creator of MAN!" He paused. "AND WOMAN!" His horn lit up, and much to my shock two humans floated onto stage. It took me a second, but I realized that they were a transformed Sweetie Belle (who looked like she was around fourteen), and the colt always playing video games called Button Mash. They were dressed in green outfits, with tall pointed red hats. "Er..." I said, blinking. Cheerilee shot me a deadly look, and I kept my mouth shut. Sweetie Belle smiled, and took Button Mash's hand. He blushed a bit... Which he stopped doing when I shot him a glare. Huh. That was weird. "We are Adam and Eve," said Sweetie Belle. "What do you want us to do, God?" "Simple!" Snips cried. "You shall be fruitful, and multiply, and live in friendship and harmony!" At that moment, a human-form Chrysalis came out. Rather than her usual slinky dress, she was dressed in a red and black suit with a fedora. She smirked at me, before clearing her throat and looking at Sweetie Belle and Button Mash with a scowl. "Ever since He began this project, God's been slacking. God hasn't given me the respect I deserve," she said with a growl. "And now he wants to replace us with a bunch of mortals? No way!" "You may live in Eden, my kingdom," said Snips, as a tree sprouted into being. "And you may enjoy everything... Except that tree's fruit." "Why not that tree?" Asked Button Mash, poking it. God shook his head. "If you eat of it, you shall gain the capacity for my power... But you would lack the wisdom to wield it! One day, you will be ready... But not yet. Trust me to tell you when you are," God said. "Now, I need to go cut a ribbon somewhere!" He trotted off stage, as Sweetie Belle and Button Mash danced. Chrysalis smirked. "Jackpot," she said. She turned herself into a lookalike for Galadriel, mixed with Mrs. Claus, and walked up. "Hello Adam and Eve!" "Hi Satan!" They said cheerfully. "Say... What was that God said about the Tree and not eating it?" Chrysalis asked. Button Mash frowned. "Well, God said we weren't ready." "And he'd tell us when," said Sweetie Belle. Chrysalis snorted. "Oh please, what does he Know? I'm almost as old as he is, and I think you can handle it!" Chrysalis said cheerfully. "Come on... What could it hurt?" "Well," Button Mash said. Sweetie Belle huffed. "Come on! You want to wait around forever?" She took one of the fruits, and ate it. Button Mash took another, and bit in too. They then grinned. "Hey... E = MC^2!" Button Mash cried. "The universe is composed of quanta... Ooh! Let's put this to use!" They turned, and with some supplied provided by Chrysalis, they soon constructed rocket launchers. They grinned. "WOO! KNOWLEDGE IS AWESOME! KNOWLEDGE IS AWESOME-!" KABOOM! The explosion was just fireworks, but it still nearly sent me off the bench. When the smoke cleared, Button Mash and Sweetie Belle were in ragged clothes barely preserving their modesty, as Chrysalis cackled. "Ahahahaha! Now Eden is nuked, and God is going to toss these fools out! Bwahahahaha!" Snips walked back, and frowned. "Guys? Did you eat of the tree?" "Well," the two muttered, embarrassed. "And did you blow up the garden?" Snips pressed. Button Mash pointed at Sweetie Belle. "She did it first!" "Traitor!" Sweetie Belle yelled, smacking him. She pointed at Chrysalis. "She told us it was okay!" "Hahahaha! Eat it, God! Your beloved monkeys have blown themselves up! And they will continue to do so, forever and ever!" Chrysalis cackled. "Who's your number one guy now,asshole?!" Snips sighed, and rubbed his chin. "This is bad... They have the power, but not the wisdom... They can't stay here..." Snips smiled. "And I... Just had an idea." He turned to Sweetie Belle and Button Mash. "Listen! You guys go out, be fruitful and multiply anyway! Maybe it'll all work out?" "Okay! Nothing can possibly go wrong with this!" Sweetie Belle said cheerfully. "Yeah! Let's build more nukes!" Button Mash cheered... As Chrysalis continued to laugh herself sick. And me? Well... I had my head in my hands and I didn't think I'd be looking up if it wasn't for Twilight forcing me to watch. But this was just the start. So much more was to come... - - - - - - "And so," Cheerilee read, as the curtains closed, "the human went out to claim dominion over the Earth... Which brought about terror, destruction, death, and other horrible things." The curtains opened, and Applebloom and Snails, in human form, were fighting with swords. "Ugh! My empire! Mine!" Yelled Snails. "No! MY empire!" Applebloom shouted. They moved off, and a few more colts and fillies pushed a platform onto it. Applebloom laid down on it, as Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle stood over her. "We will sacrifice you to the gods, so that they will show us pity!" Scootaloo bellowed. "Yeah!" "Wait, what makes you think the Gods would accept me dying as something for-ACK! I AM DEAD!" Applebloom shouted, as the plastic sword stabbed her "to death". They ran off, and Button Mash and Rumble walked on. Button Mash was dressed in robes, and Rumble in a soldier's outfit. "Can't we just try to get along?" Button Mash asked. Rumble scowled. "Neverrrr!" He bellowed, clearly hamming it up as much as possible, before he hit Button Mash over the head with his sword. He fell, before the curtains closed. "God tried so many things... Over and over," Cheerilee explained, "but nothing was working." The curtains opened again, and it showed Snails as God, sitting in a chair and looking depressed. Chrysalis, back as the Devil, was still laughing at him. "I told you! I told you! And I am bringing every soul down to Hell! Your high standards, bah! What good has it done you?" "There is still good, you know," Snails said. "Still those who resist you!" "Ha! How can they resist you when you said you'd let them choose? Free will? HAHAHAHAHA! Please! That's ridiculous," Chrysalis sniffed. "Seriously, why give these stupid apes-" "AHEM," I growled. Chrysalis huffed. "These stupid apes free will? You might as well have given them a big shiny red button to press and told them, 'don't press it!'" "Perhaps," Snails agreed. He then smiled. "Maybe the key... Is not to tell them, but to make them think they arrived at the right conclusion themselves." "Ha! What are you going to do?" Chrysalis sniffed. "Eventually, I shall have them all! And storm the gates of Heaven! And rule all of creation!" "Huh. Well... Guess I'll lose!" Said Snails. "But I'm gonna try one more thing." "And what is that?" Chrysalis sniffed. "I shall send my son to Earth, to teach people to be nice to one another," Snails said. "... They'll just kill him, you idiot!" Chrysalis snorted. "Yes. Exactly," Snails said. Chrysalis gaped. "... Are you crazy?! You want to do my job for me?" "Yep!" Snails said cheerfully. Chrysalis stared. "Uh... Okay...?" She shook her head. "Made in His image, indeed..." The curtains closed. Cheerilee cleared her throat. "And so, God decided he would have to get someone to bare his son for him. So he found a virgin woman named Mary, in a city called Nazareth." By this point I was desperate for some booze. Alas, Dash was hogging the hard cider. I rubbed my cheeks and groaned. "Oh boy..." The curtains opened, and the fillies and colts had rearranged the stage. It was now a cheerful house, with a human form Diamond Tiara sitting at the table and looking snooty. The door exploded, and Rumble entered in elaborate purple and green armor with bright glowing wings. Diamond Tiara yelped. "Hey! What the heck are you doing in my house?" "I am Michael! Angel of God!" Rumble yelled. "And I want YOU to have God's son! So he can come to Earth, and save humanity from their own evil and stupidity!" "Well... We can probably save them from one of those things," Diamond Tiara said. I could see Chrysalis snickering, and I rolled my eyes. "But how can this be? I'm a virgin! I've never... You know...!" "Magic, of course! How else?" Rumble asked. "And then your son will die." "What?! Die?!" Diamond yelped, covering her stomach. "What do you mean, die?!" "He'll get better," Rumble said quickly. "And he'll save the world, too." "Well... I suppose if he is going to come back, and he is God's son... All right," Diamond Tiara said with a nod. "But my fiance is going to take some convincing..." "Don't worry, I'll tell him too," Rumble said. "He's going to love this." "I'm going to love what?" Asked Featherweight, flying in. Diamond gasped. "Joseph! We're having a baby, the son of God-" "Stop stepping over my lines!" Rumble hissed. Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes and hugged Featherweight. "See? Angel of God right here!" "Oh... Well, that's good. So, do we get anything?" Featherweight asked. "Is not the full POWER OF GOD, with LEGIONS of superpowered ANGELS who could annihilate ALL OPPOSITION, not enough?" Asked Rumble, again hamming it up. Diamond Tiara scowled. "Unless they're going to take me shopping, no..." "Ahem," Cheerilee coughed. "But of course, seeing how Mary was a virtuous woman, and Joseph a virtuous man, they decided to do it and raise the boy as their son. In order to save the world." Diamond Tiara and Featherweight got dragged off, while Rumble ascended with another explosion. The curtains shut, and I groaned. "It isn't that bad, is it?" Twilight asked. "... No, but I get the feeling things are going to get worse," I admitted. - - - - - - -