Thirty-Six
Hands
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
I looked across the chessboard to my opponent. I sighed and rested my chin on my hand as he moved his king.
"Check," I stated. Spike scowled, and moved his king to another space.
"Check," I said again, bored. Spike grumbled. I shook my head. "Come on Spike, just accept it's mate!"
"I can think of another move!" Spike insisted. I sighed and leaned on my elbows as the little dragon kept moving his king around.
"Check. Check. Check," I deadpanned. The dragon groaned and finally tipped his king over. He crossed his arms over his scaly chest, grumbling.
"How are you so good at this?" He asked. "I've been playing since I was a hatchling!"
I shrugged and grinned, leaning back with my hands behind my head. The chair was a little too small for me, but I'd gotten used to such things through long practice. "I've been playing since I was a kid, too. And I taught it to kids as a part-time job. If it helps, you really made me work for every win."
"Eh, I guess so," Spike grumbled. I was seized by the magical grip of a unicorn, and I yelped as I was levitated up.
"Ah! Twilight!" I gasped. The chair underneath me was turned into a large, comfy armchair. Twilight trotted up and set me back down into it.
"Just making sure you're safe, sweetie," Twilight said. She leaned over and nuzzled my cheek. "Much safer in this chair!"
I sighed and nuzzled her back. "Yes dear," I said. I rubbed the back of her neck, making her shiver and purr. She sighed happily, and rubbed her horn against my chest. I reached up and rubbed her horn, giving her little kisses along the length of it.
"Oooh..." She sighed, her eyes crossing. Spike made a face, which I couldn't blame him for. I could blame him for the retching sounds-It's not like this is the most affectionate thing he's seen us do, after all. Grow up, dude.
Twilight crawled up into my lap and nuzzled me happily. I began stroking her back, making her tremble. Spike scowled harder.
There was a knock at the door. Spike sighed, and rose to his feet.
"I'll get it," Spike grumbled. Twilight cuddled me back, sighing in bliss.
"You know, all this time off could be good," she said. "For... Other reasons."
Spike walked back. "Andrew, it's for you," he stated dryly. Twilight sighed.
"Can it wait?" She asked. The familiar roar of a manticore shook the tree. I sighed, and regretfully picked Twilight up to set her back in the chair. I kissed the top of her head.
"I'll be right back," I promised. Twilight moaned unhappily, but nodded. I walked up to the front door, and looked up... And up.
"Hey Chewie," I greeted my manticore friend/rival/enemy. The gigantic predator looked annoyed, and growled down at me. I sighed and shrugged.
"I know, I know we had a fight to the death this week. But I can't make it," I said, surprisingly enough without any sarcasm. "Doctor's orders."
Chewie snarled. I held up my hands and waved them to appease him.
"I know, I know! It's totally lame! But if I don't chill out like this for at least six months, I'll be permanently crippled," I explained. Chewie was silent, his jaw dropping. He rumbled. I nodded.
"Yeah, I wouldn't want that to happen either," I said. "I mean, how bummed would your mate be if you were crippled?"
Chewie growled thoughtfully, and nodded his great shaggy head. He growled a question, and I shook my head.
"No, we can't just spar," I said. Chewie roared, and I winced.
"It's not my fault!" I shouted. "Don't be mad at me for being so awesome I have to slow down!"
Oh Lord, I'd been talking to Rainbow Dash too much if I was spouting stuff like that.
Chewie grumbled, and crossed his arms. He made an accusatory snarl. I narrowed my eyes.
"I am not fighting another Manticore! I don't even know who this 'Melvin' is!" I shouted. "Stop being such a drama queen!"
Chewie snorted. He then pointed his claws at his eyes, and pointed at me. I snorted back.
"Yeah, and if you keep too close an eye on me, I'll rip 'em out and eat them in front of you!" I growled back. "I mean it!"
Chewie was a little appeased, but still irritated. He then snarled at me. I frowned deeply.
"What's the Manticore Mourning Ritual?" I asked. Chewie grumbled and hissed. I grimaced.
"I don't think you howling in mourning is going to help me recover," I said. Chewie huffed.
"No, I am completely sure," I stated. "I have never been more sure."
Chewie nodded. I sighed and shut the door behind me.
"Hooowwwwllllll!" Chewie bellowed. I groaned and opened the door again, glaring at the mighty Manticore. Chewie growled back.
"No! That didn't help me in the least!" I shouted. Chewie hissed again. "NO! Not even a little bit!"
Chewie pouted. I reached up and patted him on the top of his head.
"I'll get better as soon as I can. I promise," I said. Chewie grunted, but nodded. I breathed a sigh of relief, and shut the door behind me. I walked back to my unicorn marefriend, who was looking a bit bewildered.
"What was that all about?" Twilight asked. I sighed, picking her up to sit in the chair again with her on my lap.
"Chewie misses me," I said. "We had a duel this week."
"Oh," Twilight deadpanned. "How terrible for him to not be able to harm and claw you for six months."
"He is my friend," I said defensively. "... I mean, sort of. He does try to kill me but he also saved all our lives. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's taking it easy on me in our duels."
"He's still far too rough with you," Twilight grumbled. I resumed stroking her mane, making her sigh. "And you just keep encouraging him..."
"Friendship is magic, but it can also be weird, painful and confusing," I pointed out. "That's just how life is, sometimes."
"Hnn," Twilight sighed, as I scratched behind her ears. "All right... But you'd better not fight him at all, understand?"
"I promise," I said. I kissed the tip of her horn. "Right now, I'm content to relax with my wonderful marefriends."
"That's what I like to hear," Twilight said cheerfully. I nodded.
"Good!" I leaned back. "Roll over, I want to give you belly rubs."
"HEE!" Twilight squealed. She coughed. "I-I mean, um..." She rolled over with a big smile. "Proceed..."
"All right," I said happily. I began rubbing her belly, and made her coo and kick her legs in an adorable fashion. I scratched behind her ears.
Maybe this time of relaxation wouldn't be all bad...
A Manticore howled loudly, making Twilight and I fall out of the chair. I groaned.
"CHEWIE!"
I got up from my disheveled marefriend. I leaned out a nearby window and glared at Chewie. The manticore was trying to look innocent, and barked at me. I shook my fist at him.
"I told you, no howling!"
Chewie protested with a growl. I rolled my eyes.
"Oh yeah, I totally believe that was another Manticore howling! Right here! Who suddenly turned invisible!"
- - -
So, you'd think that having nothing to do for over a week would have been ideal. And sure, getting to chill out and just have to cuddle, snuggle and... Other things with my marefriends was great. As well as getting to have fun with Pinkie Pie, or watch Rainbow Dash fly. I was also mildly entertained by posing for Rarity for new clothing, and drinking apple cider with Applejack and Big Mac.
Some mares just can't hold their liquor.
But sitting around feeling useless has never been something I enjoyed. And getting reminded of how I needed to take it easy constantly was also not fun.
How not fun?
"Fluttershy," I mumbled from the mass of pillows that had been taped and tied to my body, "this isn't going to work."
"Of course it's going to work!" Fluttershy insisted. "This pillow armor will keep you from getting hurt!"
"Yes, I will allow for that," I began calmly, "but there's another issue you didn't consider."
"Oh, what is that? Um, if you'd like to say it," Fluttershy asked.
"I can't move," I stated. The rope and tape held me tightly, as I tried to shuffle about her crowded cottage. Fluttershy winced.
"O-Oh... I'm very sorry," she said. She trotted up and began to fiddle with the ropes. I tried to move my arms to help her.
"Just-Just get the ropes on my arms first," I said. "Then I can undo the knots-How did you make all these knots, anyway?"
Fluttershy blushed deeply. "Oh, um, with my tongue."
"Oh," I said. I would have nodded if the straps on my head weren't so tight. "That explains a lot."
She blushed even harder. "Ahhh... Ummm..."
"Sweetie, need some help," I said. Fluttershy looked awkwardly at her hooves, and then up at me.
"... Are you sure we need to untie you... Right now?" She asked.
"Fluttershy, there is literally nothing we can do right now," I stated. "You put extra padding around my crotch, remember?"
"I couldn't let those be harmed!" Fluttershy insisted. "Never!"
I sighed. "Thank you, Fluttershy," I mumbled. Fluttershy hovered up, looking me in the eyes through the hoofball helmet she'd gotten just for me.
"Are you all right, Shepherd? U-Usually when I suggest, um... Things like this, you're very eager," she said.
"Well, one, I can't move at all and this suit is very hot and uncomfortable," I said, "so it's hard to get in the mood."
"Oh. N-Not your thing, I understand," Fluttershy said, making a note on a small piece of paper.
"And two... I don't know, I'm just... Kind of bored," I said. Fluttershy gasped.
"No, no, not with you!" I cried. "Never with you! But I'm just a little bored with not having work to do..."
A roar rumbled through the cottage. I grimaced.
"And Chewie is not taking this well."
Fluttershy trotted over to her window. She held her hooves over her mouth.
"O-Oh my," Fluttershy gasped. I sighed.
"Who's he fighting now?"
"It appears to be a lesser bugbear," Fluttershy said. "From the southern bugbear forests."
"How's Chewie doing?" I asked. Fluttershy shook her head.
"He's acting l-like he's in terrible trouble but he's really just holding back. There is no way a lesser bugbear could ever defeat a healthy adult manticore." She narrowed her eyes. "The bugbear looks v-very embarrassed. Like he doesn't want to be here."
"Oh God, he's that kind of friend," I groaned. "Couldn't he just get a hobby or something?"
"He is a gigantic alpha predator," Fluttershy reminded me. She smiled. "Um, m-much like you."
"Not that gigantic," I mumbled. It was true, I was finally slim enough to be an extra in a Hollywood action scene. Fluttershy hovered back up to me, and gave me a hug. She smiled at me, and it warmed my heart.
"I understand you have instincts that drive you to dominate, fight, and conquer. It's part of why I l-love you." She nuzzled me. Or at least tried to, the helmet prevented it. "But you also have instincts to cuddle your marefriends and do naughty things with us. Why not let those instincts be in-in charge for a while?"
I sighed. "I suppose you're right." I smiled at her, and she smiled back.
The wind began to pick up: Which was unusual, given we were indoors. A bright light flashed above us, and we were both knocked down by a shockwave.
"GAH!" I shouted. Fluttershy whimpered and hid underneath me.
"ANDREW SHEPHERD! WE REQUIRE THY SERVICES!" Luna boomed.
Fluttershy stared at her, and blushed bright red. Her wings popped out, as she gave Luna a bashful look.
"Um... W-Well, I wouldn't be opposed to... To letting you let those instincts be in charge with her, um, if I was part of it-"
"WE COME TO ASK THE SWORD OF EQUESTRIA FOR HIS SERVICES IN IDENTIFYING HUMAN ARTIFACTS!" Luna bellowed. "FOR THIS IS HIS TALENT, IS IT NOT?!"
"Uh... Sure?" I answered. Fluttershy's wings drooped slightly.
"Oh. That-that's good too."
"BUT TELL US, KINDNESS! OF WHAT INSTINCTS DO THOU SPEAK OF?" Luna asked, her booming voice rattling the windows.
"Oh, well, I-I was just saying that-" Fluttershy began.
I groaned. "Fluttershy!"
"Wh-What?"
- - -
Well, I wanted a change of pace. And boy, did I get it. At first, it was actually very interesting-Identifying a lot of statues and devices and books. There was a copy of the King James Bible that might have been part of the original run, for God’s sake!
But after enough time, the novelty wore off for me. Not for Luna though, who seemed to have the enthusiasm of Pinkie Pie when it came to identifying things.
I sighed as I sat in the chair in the massive Royal Library. Luna trotted back up with a smile... And another box of stuff.
"All right, what is this?" She asked, lifting up a plastic green disk.
"Frisbee," I said dully.
"And this?" She asked, lifting a statue.
"An Egyptian statue of the god Horus," I said without emotion.
"They were the ones who built the pyramids in the desert, right?" Luna asked. I nodded again.
"Yes," I said dully.
"Not the ones who built the pyramids in the jungles?"
"Nope," I said.
"And this?"
"A machine gun. Thompson machine gun," I said. "Used in World War II and by gangsters."
“Ooh, and what is this?” Luna asked, holding up a small golden gramophone on a small black pedestal. I hummed and took it into my hands for closer examination.
“Oh, this is a Grammy. It’s an award handed out to recognize achievement in music,” I explained. “This one is for…” My jaw dropped. “Public Enemy, 1988, for Best Rap Album?!” I pumped my fist. “I KNEW IT!”
“Shepherd?” Luna asked. I shook my head, still grinning.
“Basically, one of the best musical groups on my planet got snubbed for this award multiple times-”
“Ah, Shepherd, that does sound truly fascinating but we have so much else to get through,” she said. She levitated another box of junk in front of me. I sighed, and handed the Grammy back to her.
“Okay, but don’t lose this!” I said. Luna nodded.
“Of course!”
And from there, it just kept going… And going… And going. Soap dispensers, can openers, a broken Roomba, and so, so many hats, shoes and socks.
You have no idea how many socks. I lost count.
It was an eternity later, and I’d just explained how the Operation game worked. The princess was trying to pull out the funny bone with her telekinesis, as I rested my chin on my hand, my elbow on the table, and my broken spirit on the tattered remains of what had been a promising afternoon.
Buzz!
“Ah! Oh my!” The moon princess gasped, dropping the tweezers. She then giggled excitedly, clapping her hooves together. "Oh this is so much fun! And so enlightening! So many mysteries can at last be solved! Have you any questions, dear Sword of Equestria?”
"Yeah, how long am I going to be here?" I asked flatly. Luna scowled.
"Andrew Shepherd! Do you not wish to help us understand your world? Associate with your species' past?"
"Yeah but I've been doing this for hours!" I complained. "I just want to go home!"
Luna pouted. "Awww... But we've learned so much! Indeed, I now understand so much! Please?" Her lower lip wobbled as her eyes widened.
I sighed. "That's not going to work!"
Luna's eyes began to fill with tears. I glared, my resolve firm.
"Stop it! Come on!"
The tears began to run down her face. She sniffled. I groaned.
"Okay, okay! I'll stay for a little while longer! Just stop that! You're worse than Twilight!"
"HUZZAH!" Luna cheered, tears all suddenly gone. I groaned and covered my face.
"Why do I always fall for that...?"
She turned and flew off back through the large doors of the library. I laid back in my chair.
I waited for a while, patting my hands against the desk softly. There didn’t seem to be anyone else around. It was just me in the depths of a gigantic, eternal library. Frankly, it was shocking that Twilight would ever leave here: My own inner nerd was tempted to stay forever.
Luna reappeared in a flash, a very large wooden crate taller than me appearing with her. She beamed, and her horn lit up. The front of the box came undone, falling down onto the marble floor. A huge amount of straw had been stuffed into the box. I stood up, for the first time in many hours curious.
“What’s that?” I asked. I walked around the table as Luna began to pull straw out of the box.
“A new discovery from the Badlands! Recall, do you not, when you learned from those dragon rapscallions on their migration about the ancient human civilization that terrorized them so?”
“Oh, yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “God, it’s so weird how alien invasions and weddings can distract you from that kind of thing.”
“Fear not, Shepherd!” Luna said in a consoling tone. “Once, we misplaced a birthday present for our fair sister for over a century! We had to buy out an entire bakery to make it up to her!”
“Well, I suppose that makes me feel a little better,” I admitted. Luna pulled away, spreading her wings to present the contents of the crate. I gasped in shock, all of my boredom long forgotten.
“Holy crap!” I gasped.
It was a full suit of armor. But not just any armor. It was built with a hard, heavy industrial aesthetic, with pointed ears on the blank-faced helmet and a long, dramatic cape attached to the shoulders. Numerous markings, like a barcode, were etched into the surfaces of the armor. I looked over at Luna, who beamed.
“Tis impressive, is it not?” She asked. I nodded eagerly.
“Yes! It’s incredible!” I said. “It’s like something out of The Dark Knight Returns!”
“Oh yes. That comic you identified,” Luna said mildly. “Well, this armor seems to be powered by magic rather than electricity. Does it suggest any particular culture on your planet?”
“Well, modern day Earth,” I said, “but we didn’t have magic powered armor.” I reached out and poked it. “See all these markings? They’re like a barcode-Uh, a mathematical sequence of lines we can scan to input data into a computer,” I explained to the confused princess. She nodded.
“Ah! Tis intriguing. Mayhaps a product of this culture, which had influence from yours! Oh, this is fascinating!” She poked the armor with her hoof. I reached out and touched the faceplate.
“That would be interesting,” I said. “It’s like, everything I knew about the universe got turned upside down… Again!”
Luna’s horn glowed, and the armor began to glow in response. And then, all of a sudden, it sprang out of the box like an animated puppet. I jumped back, yelping, as the whole armor opened up like a blossoming flower.
“Fascinating,” Luna said. “It did not react to my magic, but it did react to my magic and your touch!”
“Yeah,” I said with a nod. The interior was covered in what appeared to be white leather, with lots of straps and ventports. I reached out and poked the inside. The armor… Then sprang forward again, and pounced on me like an overly affectionate Twilight and Fluttershy. “AHHHHHH! WHAT THE-LET ME GO!”
“SHEPHERD!” Luna gasped. The armor wrapped around me, and closed tightly. I staggered, the armor feeling a hell of a lot heavier than it had looked. I staggered to the right… Right through a bookcase.
“CRAP!” I shouted. “CRAP! GET THIS THING OFF ME!”
I began waving my hands, as the armor kept moving! Through another book case, and another, and one last one! Which was good, because then I stopped smashing through bookcases.
It was also bad, because I smashed through the wall to the empty space below the castle tower.
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” I screamed as I plunged for the ground far below.
You’d think I’d be used to this by now, but nope! Still terrified of falling to my death. Who knew, huh?
- - -
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If it helps, Luna has telekinesis, can fly and teleport. You'll probably he fine.
If it's anything like Fallout power armor, it'll negate fall damage.
lol Hilarious, once again.:D
So… he found Batman’s armor.
9921053
That is to say, if he lands on his feet.
Save the armour for later. Need more adorable shenanigans and Pinkie.
9921089
Batman's armor would have black leather. Or very, very dark grey.
Go Andrew!
Please be sapient armor that falls in love with him too, that would be too funny!
This good another.
Huh, so it’s a symbiotic type of armor. Neat.
9920082
But I care. And that's all that really matters to me, that I have somewhere to turn to for ideas.
I forgot how much i missed this story. Its just as good as i remember, and now i gotta do a reread so i can remember what happened pryviously.
There are worse ways to spend my time i suppose
Tying knots in cherry stems isn't considered an achievement for non-unicorns. It's an essential life skill.
In any case, wonderful to see more of this. Definitely looking forward to more.
9923378
I hope I'll see you take up the House of Apple idea. Here:
After Twilight Ascends
AJ: Well I'm pretty sure you're now Lady of Ponyville. That's one less on me and Mac's plates.
Twilight: "No, it's all yours! Right back at ya!"
Applejack: "Ohhhh no! Yer Highness, ah officially gift Ponyville back to yer royal hooves!"
Twilight: "No way! I specifically included in the document of transfer the sacred binding oath of 'No backsies!'"
Applejack: "Which is superseded by the even more ancient binding oath o' 'Yours now, sucker!'"
Twilight: "I'm going to give you soooo many titles you'll be falling over from how many medals you have to wear!"
Applejack: "Bring it on! Ah'll give you enough white elephants you'll be able t' have a rodeo!"
Also, one other terrifying idea:
- - -
Rarity beamed broadly as she saw her beloved Prince: Prince Blueblood! Here, at the Galloping Gala! He smiled right back at her, his gaze warm and charming. He trotted up to her... Closer... Closer... Her heart threatened to pound out of her chest, she fought a swoon. She held his gaze... Closer... Closer...
... And he trotted right past her. Rarity blinked.
"Eh?!"
Right over to... Applejack?! Who was blinking in disbelief at the tall stallion who took her hoof, bent his head and kissed it.
"Lady Ponyville, it is wonderful to finally make your acquaintance," the prince said with a charming smile.
"Ah... Thank ya kindly," Applejack replied, awkwardly.
"Lady WHAT?!" Rarity cried in disbelief.
- - -
9923411
Better yet...
"Lady Ponyville, always a pleasure."
Applejack allowed Blueblood to kiss her hoof, then gave his a hearty shake. "Yer lookin' well, Larry."
Rarity had to fumble for her wineglass. The shock had made her release her magical grip. "Pray excuse us for a moment, Your Highness," she said as she led Applejack a few steps away. Blueblood rolled his eyes at her.
"Applejack," Rarity hissed once they were far enough away, "did you really just call Prince Blueblood 'Larry' to his face!?"
Applejack's look of confusion gave way to an eager grin. "Sure! Polaris Vladimir Blueblood, sixth o' his name, Heir to th' Royal House o' Platinum, Duke o' Canterlot, Scion o' th' House o' Mercury, Cupbearer o' Princess Celestia, five-time winner of th' Annual Canterlot Competitive Wine Tastin', an... aw, shoot, I always forget that last one. Hey, Larry! What comes after th' wine tastin'?"
He gave a warmer, more indulgent smile than anything Rarity had seen from him all night. "Ambassadorial duties."
"That's it! An' Ambassador to Dimondia." After a moment, Applejack turned to the prince—the prince!—and said, "It is still Dimondia, right?"
"For now. I do have designs on Yakyakistan, but the yaks have long memories and my predecessors did not comport themselves as well as they could."
Applejack shook her head. The head that was still wearing the hat she'd worn while mucking out a literal pigsty the day before. "Ain't that always th' way? They make a mess an' now you gotta clean up after 'em."
"Just so," said Blueblood. "Deplorable."
Rarity blinked as her mind tried to stay on track. "Wait, I thought titles were arranged in descending order of importance."
Applejack raised an eyebrow at her. "You got kidnapped by Diamond Dogs, Rares. How good d' you think our relations with Dimondia are right now?"
"Ah. I see." Rarity staggered away. "If anypony needs me, I'll be on the balcony, reevaluating my life."
9923458
Nicely done!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It's back! Aahaahahahah!
I SHALL SEND ALL THE COPYRIGHT STRIKES!! MUWAH HA HA!
Bah, rap is crap!
Barry Manilow is where it's AT!!
(soon the violent battle commenced... there were no survivors...)
And then he died.
(That's how you get out of writing long stories, BTW)
9925065
Now I want to hear Barry Manilow rap.