• Published 7th Mar 2012
  • 96,877 Views, 4,778 Comments

Hands - Andrew Joshua Talon

A slightly more realistic take on the "Human in Equestria" story concept... For a given value of "realistic."

  • ...



A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction

By Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.

- - - - - -

It was a rough bit of sleep I'd had, but then most nights since I got here were rough. The bed was, unfortunately, too short. The town carpenter was working on a new one for me, and I offered what help I could. Frankly though, my carpentry was basic at best. I could make things with straight angles.

Well, mostly straight angles. Anything more complicated than that though was a challenge.


I groaned and covered my face with the blankets. I heard the sound of hooves on the wooden floor. I felt the tell tale tug of a mouth on the sheets, and I fought for a bit with the owner of those teeth before giving up and letting go. I sat up and sighed at the face of my...

Well, I suppose "landlady" would be the best way to put it. "Landmare" might be better.

"Time to get up... Um, I mean, if you don't mind," Fluttershy said with a smile. "Mister Rooster can be very loud, but it's only so everypony can get up on time."

"Nngh... Sure," said I, wincing a bit as I rolled my head around on my neck. "Ow..."

"I am terribly sorry that the bed is so small," Fluttershy said. "I mean, um, that's the bed I use for bears to sleep over. They usually curl up, I mean, and you're still so tall-"

"No, no, it's fine," I said, raising my hands up. "It's really fine. I think it's getting better."

"Really?" She asked with a brightness to her smile that was more than a little contagious. I smiled back.

"Well, that or I've shrunk," I said. I swung my long legs to the side of the bed, and stretched my arms up high. I winced again. "Ooh! Ow, ow, definitely haven't shrunk."

"Here, let me," Fluttershy said. She trotted up to me, and I held up my hands.

"Ah, no, really, that-that's fine-"

"Nonsense, you're hurting! I can fix it, don't you worry about a thing," Fluttershy said soothingly. A bit too soothingly. I scooted back on the bed, trying to get away from the butter yellow pegasus.

"No! No, I'm great! I mean, last time, last time was-"

Her forelegs wrapped around my neck. Her face was close to mine. Dangerously close. Her very warm, kind face with beautiful eyes...

I mean, look, I'm not a pervert but when you've been on an alien planet for... A while, without any female company of your own species... And a few ideas pop into your head...

"Just... One...!" She flew around in a half circle, turning my head. My eyes widened and any... Unusual thoughts flew out of my head with a resounding crack!


"It's okay! It's okay! I've worked with primates before-"


"Here, here, let's try this!"



"Oops... May have done that a bit too hard..."

Needless to say, my first stop after breakfast was the carpenter's office. And then the mortician, because I was sure I was now dead and little more than a reanimated corpse.

- - - - - - -

We stopped by Twilight Sparkle's treehouse. A pleasant enough spot in Ponyville which was filled with pleasant spots. Despite the resemblance to Earth flora and fauna, my allergies hadn't been going crazy with so much pollen and fur in the air. Otherwise, I'd probably have died the moment I arrived.

Hell, who knew if there was some pony alien virus or bacteria or whatever just waiting to kill me? I had to have a sense of humor about this.

The purple unicorn smiled brightly as we entered, both on all fours. I didn't have much choice. I sat up into a sitting position, Indian style to keep my taking up of space to a bare minimum.

"Good morning Andrew! How are you doing?" Twilight asked.

"All right, all right," I said pleasantly.

"Back doing better?" She asked. I didn't look at Fluttershy, who I knew would be blushing.

"Ah... Yes. Yes, much better."

"Because I have been studying spells to help." A nearby book developed a glow and floated in front of me. It opened, and I was given several views of the anatomy of apes. "There is a veterinarian named Doctor Woof who has developed several healing spells. Chiropractic techniques and-"

"Ah, no, I'm good," I said with a smile. "Really... Good."

Twilight frowned. "Did it hurt before? I've been working hard on getting it right-"

"Maybe you should save it for when I'm near death," I said quickly. "Um, then pain won't be as big a deal."

Twilight gave the pony equivalent of a shrug and grin. "Certainly." She smiled broadly and several items-Pens, paper, recorders-Came out, all glowing.

"Now, shall we resume the examination?" She asked sweetly. I looked over at Fluttershy, trying hard not to whimper. She smiled back comfortingly.

"Don't worry! I'll be here. And Twilight wouldn't hurt you on purpose."

"And we're not even examining your brain waves this time!" Twilight said happily.

I sighed and slowly nodded. "All right... What would you like to know?"

"Well, last time you spoke of politics, and we found many similarities," Twilight said. "Even down to the colorful language you used for your current leaders, we have found parallels!"

"I guess politics is similar even across the universe," I said gamely. "What do you want to know this time?"

"Something I've wanted to get to for a while now, as I think it might be as significant to your society as ours!" Twilight said brightly.

"Oh? What?" I asked. Twilight grinned.


"... Okay! I'm going to go now," I said quickly. Twilight frowned.

"Oh come on! There's nothing to be embarrassed about! I even learned a spell to make you feel more comfortable about it!"

"What could possibly make this a more comfortable subject for me?" I complained.


Now sitting on her knees, a curvy, purple unicorn girl like out of every furry's fantasies appeared. She smiled brightly.

"Does this help?" Twilight asked.

"Oh my," Fluttershy gasped.

I stared for several long seconds.

"... No."

- - - - - -

"She was just a bit caught up, and you did draw those pictures for her," Fluttershy tried as we left the treehouse. Ponies trotted everywhere, while a few pegasi flew above. It was a peaceful day, full of bustling in the marketplace. It helped distract me from the disturbing situation in the treehouse behind us.

Not that I wasn't tempted. Let's be honest-Away from contact with anyone of your species for... Geez, months at least? Surrounded by aliens who were cute, cuddly, who could turn into a reasonable facsimile of a human woman, with similar anatomy...

Actually it was because of that I'd reacted so strongly. Look, I'm not James T. Kirk here. Frankly it's just plain freaky...


"No! No! No!" I said flatly.

"You could just write about it," Fluttershy suggested as we continued on our way into the town proper.

"I'm just fine. Sex is the last thing I want on my mind," I said.

"Oh... Oh, all right," she said with a sigh.

"Great," I sighed back.

"OH NO! THE HORROR!" Cried a familiar voice. I looked over at an elegant purple and white building. I was running, automatically, for the building as another cry came from it.


"I'm coming! I'm coming!" I panted. I grabbed the door handle, yanked it open... And slammed my face into the door arch. "GAH!"

And down I went like the great big stupid ape I was. I groaned and rubbed my forehead.


A white face filled my vision. "Oh! Andrew, come quickly! Please!"

"Ow, ow, what is it?" I groaned, sitting up as she got out of the way.

"It's positively dreadful! Come, come quick!" She galloped into her shop. I followed on all fours, but my head held high. I was determined to keep as much dignity as I could.

Through the shop, which was filled with clothing on mannequins that looked like merry-go-round horses (which wasn't as weird as it was when I first landed), the white unicorn led me to her backroom. I looked around, alert for any danger. My hand slid to the knife I'd taken to carrying around on my belt, just in case violence was required.

Okay, I wasn't great at it yet but after figuring out how to catch fish with your bare hands and a knife I was reasonably sure I could be a little intimidating.

"What is it? What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's absolutely dreadful," Rarity said earnestly. She pointed to the sink. I blinked, and looked down into it.

"There's something clogging it," she said. I stared in disbelief.


"Well I can't very well risk using my magic on it! I might break something! But you, you have wonderful hands!"

I sighed. I moved my hand to my belt... And pulled out a long, thin scrubbing brush.

"Oh my, oh my, you took off so quickly," Fluttershy called. "Is everything all right?"

"It's just fine," I grumbled, threading the brush into the sink. Rarity smiled.

"Oh thank you. Tell me, when you're done, if you could please take a look at my bathroom? It's very embarrassing, but..."

I sighed and thrust the brush in and out, a lot harder than I had to.

- - - - -

We emerged around lunchtime, my hands scrubbed raw. Fluttershy walked alongside me, offering a consoling smile. At my belt, my money bag was a few bits heavier.

"Thank you darling!" Rarity cried, waving a hoof after us. "Remind me to design something wonderful for you in return!"

"Yes, thank you," I sighed, waving my hand back at her. I headed off, still rubbing my hands. I winced. "I really should have worn gloves. Who the hell makes it so you have to use your whole body weight to get a nut loose?"

"Ah, well, Rarity is very... Very thorough, when it comes to fixing her home," Fluttershy explained gently. "It can never be tight enough."

"Except when it's too tight," I grumbled. "So, what do you need me to do?"

"Well..." Fluttershy smiled. "I need a bit of help with a very stubborn patient, who is oh so unwilling to just come in for a check up!"

"Oh? How stubborn are we talking?" I asked.

"Well," Fluttershy said thoughtfully, "so stubborn I might need a means of, um, attracting her out."

I blinked. Several times. "... Fluttershy, if this has something to do with sex-"

"It doesn't! It doesn't! Attract was a poor choice of words! Um, I should have said..."

"Yesss?" I asked flatly. Fluttershy coughed and looked aside.

"... Bait?"

"... What."

"Please? Please, for me?" Fluttershy asked, her eyes big and shiny. I groaned, holding a hand to my forehead.

"... I... It..." I sighed.

- - - - - - -

And this is why I found myself hanging upside-down from a tree branch, my feet in leather straps, my arms hanging beneath me as I swung slowly back and forth.

"I really need to stop saying yes to her," I grumbled. I sighed and looked around. "Okay... Come on... Come out, come out, wherever you are."

There was a rumbling nearby, and a rustling of several trees.

"Almost!" Fluttershy whispered loudly. "Try to look more... More delicious!"

I rolled my eyes. "Look! I'm a big, juicy human being! I haven't been able to eat a lot of red meat so I'm as tasty as I'm ever going to get! Because unfortunately this stupid planet has sentient cows and I can't eat anything that thinks or talks!"

"Um, er, Andrew," Fluttershy said.

"I'm big and fat! Well I was fat, I'm now a little husky but it'll add flavor! Like a nice, marbled piece of steak! Which I would really love to have! I envy you right now!" I continued. "Come on you fat, gluttonous piece of-!"

Out of the trees, a vast roar came forth. A huge mass came through. A huge, prehistoric mass.

"... Crap...?" I squeaked as a gigantic tyrannosaur-like monster came forth. It was dark green, with it's top covered in black scales like a crocodile. It growled at me, and advanced, every foot step making the earth tremble.

"... I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" I screamed as I sat up, grabbed onto the rope above and frantically climbed. It had been a while since gym class but you'd be surprised at what motivation a T-Rex can inspire. The great monster came up right underneath me, sniffed, and looked up with it's vast jaws gaping. I looked down and climbed faster.


The monster roared, the smell of it's breath nauseating. I shuddered and my eyes widened as it crouched. It's tail waved as it prepared to jump.

This is it, I thought miserably. I die eaten by a T-Rex on a crazy alien planet ruled by ponies, and I can't even brag about it.

"NO!" Fluttershy's voice came forth, loud and clear. The T-Rex looked down at her. I gaped in horror.


"No! You've been bad," Fluttershy growled at the monster. It roared in rage, her hair whipped back by the force. She stood her ground and glared.

"Do not take that tone with me!" She admonished. "You said you would return for your check up! You've been avoiding me, and that is not good for you, or for me!"

The T-Rex growled again. Fluttershy advanced on it, her nose pressing into it's massive schnoz. The T-Rex's growl became uncertain.

"Now... You are going to come back with me, undergo your check up... And then I'll have a nice, tasty fish for you to eat," she said with a smile. "Poor thing beached itself and died, but it should be tasty."

She glared. "Understand?"

The Rex... Whimpered, and nodded. It turned and made for Fluttershy's cottage, the Earth booming underneath it's feet. I stared in disbelief at the retreating monster, and then at Fluttershy.

"... Um... I'm sorry about... Calling you stupid," I managed. She beamed at me.

"Perfectly fine. I should have explained the whole plan, but um... I was afraid you wouldn't have..." She looked at the ground. "Gone along with it."

"Ah... Well..." I nodded. "I see... Good thinking."

"You did very well," Fluttershy said with a smile. "Um... M-Maybe you could help me again?"

"Maybe... Maybe," I said, wiping the sweat from my brow.

I paused.

"Could you get me down please?"

- - - - - -

Just a bit of fun. Might yet be continued in the future. Who knows?