DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
It was a rough bit of sleep I'd had, but then most nights since I got here were rough. The bed was, unfortunately, too short. The town carpenter was working on a new one for me, and I offered what help I could. Frankly though, my carpentry was basic at best. I could make things with straight angles.
Well, mostly straight angles. Anything more complicated than that though was a challenge.
"COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO!"
I groaned and covered my face with the blankets. I heard the sound of hooves on the wooden floor. I felt the tell tale tug of a mouth on the sheets, and I fought for a bit with the owner of those teeth before giving up and letting go. I sat up and sighed at the face of my...
Well, I suppose "landlady" would be the best way to put it. "Landmare" might be better.
"Time to get up... Um, I mean, if you don't mind," Fluttershy said with a smile. "Mister Rooster can be very loud, but it's only so everypony can get up on time."
"Nngh... Sure," said I, wincing a bit as I rolled my head around on my neck. "Ow..."
"I am terribly sorry that the bed is so small," Fluttershy said. "I mean, um, that's the bed I use for bears to sleep over. They usually curl up, I mean, and you're still so tall-"
"No, no, it's fine," I said, raising my hands up. "It's really fine. I think it's getting better."
"Really?" She asked with a brightness to her smile that was more than a little contagious. I smiled back.
"Well, that or I've shrunk," I said. I swung my long legs to the side of the bed, and stretched my arms up high. I winced again. "Ooh! Ow, ow, definitely haven't shrunk."
"Here, let me," Fluttershy said. She trotted up to me, and I held up my hands.
"Ah, no, really, that-that's fine-"
"Nonsense, you're hurting! I can fix it, don't you worry about a thing," Fluttershy said soothingly. A bit too soothingly. I scooted back on the bed, trying to get away from the butter yellow pegasus.
"No! No, I'm great! I mean, last time, last time was-"
Her forelegs wrapped around my neck. Her face was close to mine. Dangerously close. Her very warm, kind face with beautiful eyes...
I mean, look, I'm not a pervert but when you've been on an alien planet for... A while, without any female company of your own species... And a few ideas pop into your head...
"Just... One...!" She flew around in a half circle, turning my head. My eyes widened and any... Unusual thoughts flew out of my head with a resounding crack!
"OH GOD ALMIGHTY WHY?!"
"It's okay! It's okay! I've worked with primates before-"
"THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID LAST TIME!"
"Here, here, let's try this!"
CRACK!
"GYAAHHHHHH!"
"Oops... May have done that a bit too hard..."
Needless to say, my first stop after breakfast was the carpenter's office. And then the mortician, because I was sure I was now dead and little more than a reanimated corpse.
- - - - - - -
We stopped by Twilight Sparkle's treehouse. A pleasant enough spot in Ponyville which was filled with pleasant spots. Despite the resemblance to Earth flora and fauna, my allergies hadn't been going crazy with so much pollen and fur in the air. Otherwise, I'd probably have died the moment I arrived.
Hell, who knew if there was some pony alien virus or bacteria or whatever just waiting to kill me? I had to have a sense of humor about this.
The purple unicorn smiled brightly as we entered, both on all fours. I didn't have much choice. I sat up into a sitting position, Indian style to keep my taking up of space to a bare minimum.
"Good morning Andrew! How are you doing?" Twilight asked.
"All right, all right," I said pleasantly.
"Back doing better?" She asked. I didn't look at Fluttershy, who I knew would be blushing.
"Ah... Yes. Yes, much better."
"Because I have been studying spells to help." A nearby book developed a glow and floated in front of me. It opened, and I was given several views of the anatomy of apes. "There is a veterinarian named Doctor Woof who has developed several healing spells. Chiropractic techniques and-"
"Ah, no, I'm good," I said with a smile. "Really... Good."
Twilight frowned. "Did it hurt before? I've been working hard on getting it right-"
"Maybe you should save it for when I'm near death," I said quickly. "Um, then pain won't be as big a deal."
Twilight gave the pony equivalent of a shrug and grin. "Certainly." She smiled broadly and several items-Pens, paper, recorders-Came out, all glowing.
"Now, shall we resume the examination?" She asked sweetly. I looked over at Fluttershy, trying hard not to whimper. She smiled back comfortingly.
"Don't worry! I'll be here. And Twilight wouldn't hurt you on purpose."
"And we're not even examining your brain waves this time!" Twilight said happily.
I sighed and slowly nodded. "All right... What would you like to know?"
"Well, last time you spoke of politics, and we found many similarities," Twilight said. "Even down to the colorful language you used for your current leaders, we have found parallels!"
"I guess politics is similar even across the universe," I said gamely. "What do you want to know this time?"
"Something I've wanted to get to for a while now, as I think it might be as significant to your society as ours!" Twilight said brightly.
"Oh? What?" I asked. Twilight grinned.
"Sex!"
"... Okay! I'm going to go now," I said quickly. Twilight frowned.
"Oh come on! There's nothing to be embarrassed about! I even learned a spell to make you feel more comfortable about it!"
"What could possibly make this a more comfortable subject for me?" I complained.
POOF!
Now sitting on her knees, a curvy, purple unicorn girl like out of every furry's fantasies appeared. She smiled brightly.
"Does this help?" Twilight asked.
"Oh my," Fluttershy gasped.
I stared for several long seconds.
"... No."
- - - - - -
"She was just a bit caught up, and you did draw those pictures for her," Fluttershy tried as we left the treehouse. Ponies trotted everywhere, while a few pegasi flew above. It was a peaceful day, full of bustling in the marketplace. It helped distract me from the disturbing situation in the treehouse behind us.
Not that I wasn't tempted. Let's be honest-Away from contact with anyone of your species for... Geez, months at least? Surrounded by aliens who were cute, cuddly, who could turn into a reasonable facsimile of a human woman, with similar anatomy...
Actually it was because of that I'd reacted so strongly. Look, I'm not James T. Kirk here. Frankly it's just plain freaky...
Hence:
"No! No! No!" I said flatly.
"You could just write about it," Fluttershy suggested as we continued on our way into the town proper.
"I'm just fine. Sex is the last thing I want on my mind," I said.
"Oh... Oh, all right," she said with a sigh.
"Great," I sighed back.
"OH NO! THE HORROR!" Cried a familiar voice. I looked over at an elegant purple and white building. I was running, automatically, for the building as another cry came from it.
"THIS IS TERRIBLE!"
"I'm coming! I'm coming!" I panted. I grabbed the door handle, yanked it open... And slammed my face into the door arch. "GAH!"
And down I went like the great big stupid ape I was. I groaned and rubbed my forehead.
"Owww..."
A white face filled my vision. "Oh! Andrew, come quickly! Please!"
"Ow, ow, what is it?" I groaned, sitting up as she got out of the way.
"It's positively dreadful! Come, come quick!" She galloped into her shop. I followed on all fours, but my head held high. I was determined to keep as much dignity as I could.
Through the shop, which was filled with clothing on mannequins that looked like merry-go-round horses (which wasn't as weird as it was when I first landed), the white unicorn led me to her backroom. I looked around, alert for any danger. My hand slid to the knife I'd taken to carrying around on my belt, just in case violence was required.
Okay, I wasn't great at it yet but after figuring out how to catch fish with your bare hands and a knife I was reasonably sure I could be a little intimidating.
"What is it? What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's absolutely dreadful," Rarity said earnestly. She pointed to the sink. I blinked, and looked down into it.
"There's something clogging it," she said. I stared in disbelief.
"What."
"Well I can't very well risk using my magic on it! I might break something! But you, you have wonderful hands!"
I sighed. I moved my hand to my belt... And pulled out a long, thin scrubbing brush.
"Oh my, oh my, you took off so quickly," Fluttershy called. "Is everything all right?"
"It's just fine," I grumbled, threading the brush into the sink. Rarity smiled.
"Oh thank you. Tell me, when you're done, if you could please take a look at my bathroom? It's very embarrassing, but..."
I sighed and thrust the brush in and out, a lot harder than I had to.
- - - - -
We emerged around lunchtime, my hands scrubbed raw. Fluttershy walked alongside me, offering a consoling smile. At my belt, my money bag was a few bits heavier.
"Thank you darling!" Rarity cried, waving a hoof after us. "Remind me to design something wonderful for you in return!"
"Yes, thank you," I sighed, waving my hand back at her. I headed off, still rubbing my hands. I winced. "I really should have worn gloves. Who the hell makes it so you have to use your whole body weight to get a nut loose?"
"Ah, well, Rarity is very... Very thorough, when it comes to fixing her home," Fluttershy explained gently. "It can never be tight enough."
"Except when it's too tight," I grumbled. "So, what do you need me to do?"
"Well..." Fluttershy smiled. "I need a bit of help with a very stubborn patient, who is oh so unwilling to just come in for a check up!"
"Oh? How stubborn are we talking?" I asked.
"Well," Fluttershy said thoughtfully, "so stubborn I might need a means of, um, attracting her out."
I blinked. Several times. "... Fluttershy, if this has something to do with sex-"
"It doesn't! It doesn't! Attract was a poor choice of words! Um, I should have said..."
"Yesss?" I asked flatly. Fluttershy coughed and looked aside.
"... Bait?"
"... What."
"Please? Please, for me?" Fluttershy asked, her eyes big and shiny. I groaned, holding a hand to my forehead.
"... I... It..." I sighed.
- - - - - - -
And this is why I found myself hanging upside-down from a tree branch, my feet in leather straps, my arms hanging beneath me as I swung slowly back and forth.
"I really need to stop saying yes to her," I grumbled. I sighed and looked around. "Okay... Come on... Come out, come out, wherever you are."
There was a rumbling nearby, and a rustling of several trees.
"Almost!" Fluttershy whispered loudly. "Try to look more... More delicious!"
I rolled my eyes. "Look! I'm a big, juicy human being! I haven't been able to eat a lot of red meat so I'm as tasty as I'm ever going to get! Because unfortunately this stupid planet has sentient cows and I can't eat anything that thinks or talks!"
"Um, er, Andrew," Fluttershy said.
"I'm big and fat! Well I was fat, I'm now a little husky but it'll add flavor! Like a nice, marbled piece of steak! Which I would really love to have! I envy you right now!" I continued. "Come on you fat, gluttonous piece of-!"
Out of the trees, a vast roar came forth. A huge mass came through. A huge, prehistoric mass.
"... Crap...?" I squeaked as a gigantic tyrannosaur-like monster came forth. It was dark green, with it's top covered in black scales like a crocodile. It growled at me, and advanced, every foot step making the earth tremble.
"... I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" I screamed as I sat up, grabbed onto the rope above and frantically climbed. It had been a while since gym class but you'd be surprised at what motivation a T-Rex can inspire. The great monster came up right underneath me, sniffed, and looked up with it's vast jaws gaping. I looked down and climbed faster.
"OH GOD! I WAS KIDDING! I'M NOT TASTY! YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT ME! I'LL TASTE LIKE I WET MY PANTS!" I shrieked.
The monster roared, the smell of it's breath nauseating. I shuddered and my eyes widened as it crouched. It's tail waved as it prepared to jump.
This is it, I thought miserably. I die eaten by a T-Rex on a crazy alien planet ruled by ponies, and I can't even brag about it.
"NO!" Fluttershy's voice came forth, loud and clear. The T-Rex looked down at her. I gaped in horror.
"NO! FLUTTERSHY RUN FOR IT! FLY! FLY YOU STUPID PONY!"
"No! You've been bad," Fluttershy growled at the monster. It roared in rage, her hair whipped back by the force. She stood her ground and glared.
"Do not take that tone with me!" She admonished. "You said you would return for your check up! You've been avoiding me, and that is not good for you, or for me!"
The T-Rex growled again. Fluttershy advanced on it, her nose pressing into it's massive schnoz. The T-Rex's growl became uncertain.
"Now... You are going to come back with me, undergo your check up... And then I'll have a nice, tasty fish for you to eat," she said with a smile. "Poor thing beached itself and died, but it should be tasty."
She glared. "Understand?"
The Rex... Whimpered, and nodded. It turned and made for Fluttershy's cottage, the Earth booming underneath it's feet. I stared in disbelief at the retreating monster, and then at Fluttershy.
"... Um... I'm sorry about... Calling you stupid," I managed. She beamed at me.
"Perfectly fine. I should have explained the whole plan, but um... I was afraid you wouldn't have..." She looked at the ground. "Gone along with it."
"Ah... Well..." I nodded. "I see... Good thinking."
"You did very well," Fluttershy said with a smile. "Um... M-Maybe you could help me again?"
"Maybe... Maybe," I said, wiping the sweat from my brow.
I paused.
"Could you get me down please?"
- - - - - -
Just a bit of fun. Might yet be continued in the future. Who knows?
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Watching a pony give a gigantic tyrannosaurus a physical is... Well, it's a unique experience. It's kind of hard to describe in some ways, this tiny pegasus flying around this massive predator, asking questions and getting responses in the form of rumbles, bellows, and growls. Fluttershy even examined the mighty beast's teeth with the same precision as a dentist, flying into it's mouth at one point.
"Well, you're in pretty good shape," Fluttershy said at last, "but try to get more soy in your diet from plant eaters that eat it, and don't hunt so close to Ponyville-You don't want lightning shot at you again, do you?"
The tyrannosaur rumbled a negative, and then looked over at me. I stood very, very still, hoping it wouldn't see me. I mean, okay, slim hope but you can't blame me for trying right?
That stupid movie...
The T-Rex growled, and Fluttershy nodded. She looked over at me as well.
"Oh... I'm sure he didn't mean those things," Fluttershy said with an encouraging smile. "But he'd still be willing to apologize... I mean, um, if you want to?"
"Apologize? Sure, sure," I said quickly. "I uh... I didn't mean to call you fat and gluttonous. Very sorry."
The monster seemed to accept this, and with a turn of it's mighty head it headed back into the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy smiled brightly at me.
"See? Was that so bad?"
I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled at her. "I still could have been eaten."
"Oh no, I wouldn't have let her," Fluttershy said with a smile. She then frowned and rubbed her hooves together, looking nervous. "You... You didn't think I would, would you?"
I sighed, reached over, and patted her head. "Of course not... I mean, not for very long."
She sighed happily as my fingers brushed over her scalp, and I quickly pulled my hand back. She actually pouted.
"You know, you could make a lot more money with your hands doing massages than just... Um... Handyman work," she suggested as I turned and headed for the cottage. She followed along, hovering so her eyes were at my level. I avoided making contact though.
"Yeah... And then I'd get a hundred mares like Twilight wanting to do... Science with me," I said flatly. Fluttershy giggled.
"Oh no, she just wanted you to feel more comfortable! After all, you did help her... Um... Relax."
My hand met my face. The incident was not as risque as it sounded, really. I had recently found myself in Ponyville, with nothing more than the clothes on my back and a quickly useless cellphone. I had been allowed to stay at Twilight's treehouse while she did research, to live off her stipend.
To be honest, that didn't sit right with me. I hate living off of other people. Being a freeloader really, truly bothers me. To the point I have done stupid things to make money and prove myself useful.
In this case, during a late night study session where Twilight had heavy bags under her eyes, I had volunteered to give her a massage. A nice, friendly, simple massage. I've given them to my girlfriends and the general consensus was that I was pretty good at them.
Not that that was on my mind when I set to relaxing Twilight. No, not at all.
At least, not until she let out a very throaty, very human, very aroused sounding moan as my hands had worked out the kinks in her back. And then another, and another, and another... And then I stopped but she insisted I keep going and I locked myself in the bathroom...
Well... To avoid a long, uncomfortable story, I moved to Fluttershy's home.
"Let's... Let's just have lunch and then I'll resume work," I mumbled.
The butter-yellow pegasus nodded and we were bound for the kitchen of her cottage.
- - - - - - -
Fortunately, the next job was quite straight forward.
"Howdy Andrew!" The orange pony known as Applejack greeted as I stepped onto the porch of the Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse. I smiled back and nodded as I bent my neck and entered the house. Admittedly, I got onto my hands and knees to enter several other houses when I didn't need to. It was a bit of a habit, really-Made me seem less intimidating.
Applejack though couldn't be easily intimidated, so I didn't have to get down on my hands and knees around her. She could easily knock my block off, after all.
"Howdy Applejack," I returned. "What do you need done this time? It's not the plumbing again, is it?"
"Oh no, nothin' like that," she said. She turned and trotted into the living room, leading me to an old, sanded rocking chair. "It's Granny's rockin' chair."
"Oh?" I kneeled down and examined it. The leg was broken. I sighed.
"I could glue it back together. It wouldn't take too much. Add on some duct tape and she should be fine for a while." I shrugged. "I could just replace the leg entirely, but uh, the carpenter in town charges me for the use of his tools."
"Well, a little duct tape never hurt nopony," Applejack mused, "but the way she rocks it..."
"Ah. Yeah," I nodded. "Well, I'll keep it down as much as I can. Shouldn't be too much."
Applejack nodded with a smile. "Sounds good t' me... I was wonderin' if you could do somethin' else fer me while yer here?"
"Sure, sure, what?" I asked with a smile. Applejack winced and stretched out her right back leg.
"Mah back leg. It's been stiffenin' up somethin' fierce. Mind takin' care o' it?"
"Well..." I hesitated. Applejack gave me a flat look.
"Somethin' botherin' you?"
"Well, er..."
"If this is about you 'n Twilight, you can tell yer marefriend ah ain't out t' steal you," she said with a wink. I gaped at her and shuddered.
"I-It-What?!"
She laughed, pulling her hat over her face to contain her giggles. "Pffthahahahah! Hahahahah! Oh, oh, yer face! Hahahahaha!"
I scowled. "That is not funny."
"Little funny," Applejack snickered. "You didn't see yer face when you came runnin' out of her house."
"I didn't have to, I was wearing it," I grumbled.
"Come on. Ah'll throw in a few bits fer it," she said.
I sighed. "All right, all right..." I moved to the couch and sat down. "Just please, please, don't let it get around?"
Applejack chuckled. "Not a word." She turned around and backed up, lifting her afflicted leg up. I set it down in my lap and brought my hands down on it. I rubbed up and down it, very business like.
"Ooh..." Applejack groaned. I grimaced, and found the stiff muscle. I applied a massage, very mechanically, very focused just on that one muscle.
"Ahhh..."
"Would you please stop that?" I begged. Applejack coughed, and looked to the side.
"Sorry," she mumbled. I sighed and focused again on the job at hand. Hoof.
There was a joke in there somewhere and I really wanted to make it. It would be less uncomfortable than this situation. I mean, what the hell would anypony walking in here make of this?
"Eh? Applejack! There somepony in there?" A old, waverly voice asked. I opened my eyes and looked over at the door to the kitchen. Old Granny Smith hobbled into view.
"Jest gettin' a leg muscle worked out, Granny!" Applejack said with a smile.
"Yes, hello Granny Smith," I said with a cordial smile. Grandmothers were the same everywhere: Killing any possible sexual tension dead. I mean, not that there was... I... Damnit.
Granny hummed and trotted over slowly, coming right up to the side of my lap. "No no no! If you wanna relieve the tension," she took my wrist in her hoof, and pressed my hand down on her lower flank. "You press here."
Applejack gasped, her leg snapped up, and my vision was filled with stars and the flying debris of a wooden wall.
"Or... Was it the other muscle?" Granny asked, quiet through the ringing in my ears.
- - - - - - -
I wondered if I died. I mean, when I ended up in Equestria I thought I'd died and gone to Heaven. I had woken up in a beautiful meadow, wildflowers stretching as far as the eye could see and gorgeous mountains in the distance. A bright blue sky with only a few clouds above, and a sun shining brightly.
More than all this beauty was the fact my allergies seemed to be non-existent. I could look upon the full beauty of Heaven as it was meant to be appreciated, like in the Narnia books.
Then a giant monster had attacked, and I had run screaming through the forest like a total spaz crying out "GOD WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? DIDN'T I SUFFER ENOUGH WHILE ALIVE?!"
Which is when I ran into a purple unicorn. Who scared off the horrible monster with a blast of light from her horn.
I was thus wondering if I was not, in fact, dead, but rather on drugs. My brain was weird enough that I didn't know what might happen!
But no, I wasn't on drugs. I was on another world, ruled by talking, magic ponies an unknown distance from Earth. It could be in another universe for all I know. Which seems kind of lazy. What, our universe isn't big enough for a planet ruled by talking ponies? Who speak English? With similar stars to ours?
Hey, I'm just saying. It's somehow less depressing to think I'm just in a distant part of the universe than in some other universe entirely.
"Andrew? Andrew, can you hear me?"
"Mmmph?" I managed. I slowly opened my eyes. I saw the concerned faces of Applejack, Fluttershy, Twilight and Nurse Redheart. Judging from the smell and look of the room, I was in the hospital.
"Mmngle?" I tried, before realizing I couldn't move my jaw. My eyes widened. "Mmmph?!"
"Ah'm sorry, so sorry, sorry Andrew!" Applejack cried. "Ah didn't mean to break your jaw!"
"Mmph... Nngrgle...?" I managed.
"Don't worry, it won't be for long," Nurse Redheart said with a smile. "Miss Sparkle used magic to speed up the healing."
"Well uh... I was coming up to Sweet Apple Acres anyway," Twilight said modestly, rubbing her cheek with an embarrassed smile. She glanced at me and coughed. "Don't look at me like that! I wasn't trying to do anything!"
"What kind of-?" Redheart asked, but something fell over in the back.
"Oh my, something seems to have fallen," Twilight said. Redheart frowned, but she headed back to check on it as Twilight smiled nervously. I glared at her, as did Applejack.
"Um... So! I'm going to go do research to see if I can help you heal faster," Twilight said with a smile. "Don't you worry." She trotted out. Applejack sighed.
"Drop somethin' alien and strange in front of her and she goes nuts," the apple farmer said. "Really, ah'm sorry Andrew. Didn't mean to kick you."
I managed a nod to her, and a wave of my hand to try and let her know there were no hard feelings. Applejack sighed.
"Good. Don't worry, ya'll will have a nice big heapin' pile of Apple family cookin' waitin' for you when yer jaw's all better!" She smiled cheerfully and nodded, before heading out. Fluttershy smiled and nodded as well.
"I'm sorry but I have to go as well. I've got work to do with some nice, fluffy bunnies. Don't worry, you're covered for rent for the next month though!" She beamed. "Applejack paid me."
Well that was nice of her. I waved to her too, as she headed out of the hospital room, the door closing behind her. I sighed and leaned back, trying to relax.
After all, this wasn't too bad. I wouldn't be out long. My rent was paid up, I wasn't in the hooves of Twilight...
Still on an alien planet far from home and filled with confusing feelings with a broken jaw, but still... Could be worse. Much worse.
... Funny. Nothing was happening. Maybe fate had more self control than in my universe. World. Whatever.
I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath... I sat up and looked around suspiciously. No... Nothing. Just the opening and closing of the door as Nurse Redheart slipped out.
I sighed, and laid back, my head hitting the pillow.
"Hi!" Said a voice right next to me. I jumped, nearly toppling out of the bed if not for the guardrails. I looked over with horrified eyes at Pinkie Pie, who had been lying in bed next to me with a bright grin.
"Surprise!" She said, jumping out and throwing confetti in the air. "Don't you worry, I'm here to cheer you up!" She grinned and pulled a cake out from behind her back. "Starting with cake!"
I stared at her. She grinned back. I stared longer, and pointed to my jaw. Her mouth made an "o" of understanding, and sheepishly she put the cake behind her back.
"Oh! Sorry! Forgot! Hee! Hmmm..." She rubbed her chin. "What are some fun things we can do since you can't make any noise?"
My eyebrows rose as a little smile came over her face. I backed up to the end of the bed, my hands held up in front of me as she crawled onto the bed.
"Don't you worry about anything, Andrew! Nurse Pinkie Pie is gonna make everything better!" She grinned.
"Mmmph! Mmmngh! NNNGH!"
- - - - - -
Some time later, Nurse Redheart returned. She dropped her clipboard as she looked into the hospital room. Specifically at my bed.
"Ah... Miss Pie?"
"Heyah!" She cried, waving her hoof. She sighed happily and leaned back on my lap. "Just helping to lower his blood pressure, nurse!"
I grumbled as best I could with a broken jaw as I continued to rub her belly.
"Uh, Miss Pie, that's cats, not ponies," Nurse Redheart said.
"Oooh, why should they have all the fun?" She asked.
My free hand I used to cover my forehead, as a serious headache came on.
- - - - - -
So... A crazy pink pony insisting I rub her belly for all eternity. I've had fever dreams that weren't that weird.
"Ooh, so anyway Pound Cake did this really neat thing with his wings so he could have a couple of paper pegasi fly in formation with him, and then I realized Pumpkin Cake was actually flying them with him! So they've learned to work together to have fun, rather than be evil! So I was like 'wow, that's great!' Mr. Cake though wasn't looking too happy, he had a paper pegasus stuck in his hat..."
I'm in Hell, I thought flatly. I'm in Hell. I have to rub a girl's belly for eternity and I can't get sex out of it because she's not human.
Well I could always ask Twilight to fix that-NO! NO! NO! NO!
I looked at the window, and saw a blue pegasus with multicolored mane and tail flying nearby. My eyes widened.
"Mmngh! Mmph!" I waved frantically. "Mmmmngh!"
"What is it? Ooh! Rainbow Dash! HEY! RAINBOW DAAAASH!" Pinkie screamed. I covered my ears and groaned as the blue pegasus flew in through the window. She landed on the floor, her eyebrows raised.
"Uh, Pinkie-"
"Hey Rainbow Dash! I'm making Andrew feel better by having him rub my belly!"
"Oh. I think you might be trying a little too hard," Dash said. Pinkie laughed and waved her hoof.
"Oh come on, I'm not... Am I?" She looked up at me with big, teary eyes.
"Mmngh... Mmph..." I managed a nod. Pinkie sniffled, and held her hooves to her mouth.
"R... Really?" She sniffled. I groaned and looked up at the ceiling as best I could with the brace on my jaw. Dash laughed and patted Pinkie on the shoulder.
"It's all right Pinkie. I'm sure Andrew is just tired, right?"
I nodded, again, as best I could with the jaw brace. Pinkie wiped her tears and smiled.
"Well, that's all right! I'll see you later! Get well soon, so you can eat your cake! Byyye!" She waved and bounced out the door. I sighed in relief and looked over at Rainbow Dash, who was looking quite sympathetic.
"Sorry. She does that," she consoled. I waved my hands.
"I know, you don't hold it against her, but she can be... Sensitive," Dash said. I nodded.
"Now! Since I'm here," she said cheerfully, "I need your hands."
I stared at her. Dash shrugged.
"What? It's your jaw that's injured, not your hands." She held up a jar of pickles. "Can you get this open?"
I got on my knees, crawled over to the foot of the bed, and pulled up my chart. I flipped the pages, and showed it to her. I pointed to the line that stated "BEDREST" several times.
"Oh come on! It's just one little jar I'm asking you to open!" Dash complained. "Come on, please? Just one?"
I sighed again. I put the chart back, sat back in the bed, and held out my hands expectantly. Dash smiled and hoofed the jar to me.
"Thanks!" She said cheerfully. I tucked the jar into the crook of my arm, and gripped the lid tightly. I turned it hard.
"Nnngh...!" The lid popped. I held the jar to her. Dash scowled.
"You can't just remove the lid entirely?"
I scowled at her. Dash coughed and held her hooves up.
"Nevermind! I've got it." She took the pickle jar with a smile. "Thanks! So, can I get the mayonnaise jar open next?"
I glared.
"Kidding! Kidding!"
- - - - - -
Well, people still want to read this. So I’m still writing.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Hospitals are a bore. No matter what universe, what century, I don't care, a proper hospital is a boring one. It's supposed to be that way to encourage you to get the hell out faster. A talking pony hospital was no different.
I had requested some literature. Essentially the pony classics. I had tried reading modern novels on Earth but aside from science fiction and mystery and the occasional political thriller, I didn't have much interest in current literature.
I mean, after reading Catcher in the Rye and it's million copycats, I was sick of teenage and college age disillusionment. I wasn't a woman so I didn't have much interest in romance novels or women's literature in general. I wasn't gay so I didn't have any real interest there, wasn't a dieter or a self-help neurotic. So my reading was chiefly to learn things, expand my mind, or for fun.
As for pony literature... Well! I gave this Equestrian Guide to Citizenship a try. Wasn't too bad, though the author seemed off his rocker. I also read The Fall of Princess Luna, which was apparently out of circulation for a while. Tragic story. I couldn't imagine the horror Celestia felt when her sister fell to the darkside.
History of the Penguin Wars was very interesting. It read kind of like a Tom Clancy novel, except with magic and evil penguins as the villains. The Stokehouse was apparently the classic pony horror novel, with slavery as the central terror than, say, death. Though having your mind torn from you, all control removed is scary to any sapient lifeform.
The Adventures of Daring Do were also pretty good as far as contemporary stuff went. Given the nature of their world, 'fantasy' was basically everyday literature. Disaster novels were popular, the survival of the everyman (or rather, everypony) in incredible situations something to enjoy, though I only got that from the nurse.
Really, the differences were fairly minor otherwise. It might be a recurring theme with brain-thinking, mammalian tool using species.
"So, doing the egghead thing?" Rainbow Dash asked. I looked up from my current book and stared at her as she hovered around. Dash shrugged.
"What? I brought my tortoise in for a check up, I don't have anything to do until he's done," she said.
I would have asked why she didn't take her tortoise to a vet, but the peculiarities of veterinarians versus real doctors were still a bit of a mystery to me. I mean, okay, I had been taken to a vet first time I'd gotten injured on this planet but I think it had more to do with distance than Twilight's opinion of me.
"Anyway, you struck me as kind of an egghead anyway," Dash continued, rubbing her chin with her hoof. "Ya know, all this talk of sciency stuff like other planets, laws of physics... How I break them. That was pretty cool, how you translated what I do into egghead language!"
I found a lot of my long forgotten math classes were coming back to me in the absence of... Well... Let's be honest, computers. Working for a living on an alien world, and a bit of tutoring from Twilight had brought it all back to me. Doing the math for a Sonic Rainboom was a way to relieve the boredom and prove to Twilight I wasn't a dumb ape about numbers.
Entirely.
"But I guess lots of kinds of egghead stuff can be fun to different kinds of eggheads," Dash continued. She rubbed the top of her head now. "So, you don't talk a lot about your world."
I stared at her in disbelief. I once again pointed to my jaw. She shrugged.
"Well, yeah... Okay... Dumb question."
Irritated, I turned my eyes back to my book.
"Anyway, I guess I was curious since you use the same variables and... Junk. Like gravity. A gee is a gee, so I heard Twilight said there might be a way to boost my speed and I was wondering if you could get her to work out the numbers and stuff," she said. She smiled. "Say nothing if you will."
"Mmmph! Nngh, gnnngh!" I growled at her. Rainbow Dash grinned.
"Didn't catch that. Thanks a bunch!" She flew off.
I sighed and beat the book against my forehead. - - - - - -
A long night's sleep improved my disposition considerably, and I asked for some books on mathematics and some pen, paper and an abacus.
At least according to the book I learned mathematics from, most mathematicians were terrible at arithmetic. The key was in understanding how numbers function and what you want them to do. IE, stuff they don't exactly teach you in school. As a result, I had been forced to laboriously relearn mathematics, break my mind of bad habits. It's tough enough to learn as an elementary school kid, it's even tougher when you're older.
And a liberal arts major.
Still, I had a functional grasp, though certainly nothing fancy, of the basics of advanced mathematics. Study lessons and weekly quizzes with Twilight certainly aided in my growth in the subject.
And now I was applying those lessons to the problem of how to get Rainbow Dash going faster.
Hmmm... At a high enough speed she won't be able to propel herself, I thought to myself. I scribbled some notes. Maybe if there was a spell to increase the density of the air around her wings...
The problem with that would be added friction, of course, but considering she could take over a thousand gees without trouble I was sure we could figure out a way around that. The door opened, and I looked up to see Twilight Sparkle enter with a smile.
"Hello Andrew!" She said brightly. "I wanted to check up on you, see how you were doing, and review some notes from a previous conversation we had."
I managed a nod with my whole upper body, and pointed to my notes. Twilight snatched up a few with her telekinesis and read through them, nodded or shaking her head every so often.
"Hmmm... It might be possible to increase the density of the air around her wings as she goes faster. I'll have to run the calculations again," Twilight said thoughtfully. I shrugged, and then looked at her questioningly as she cleared away my work. She smiled cheerfully.
"Well, it was in regards to your species' evolution, a few key parts of it," she said. "You said you had been studying... Er... Anthropology at your school home on Earth, correct?"
I again managed my strange nod. Liberal arts, see?
"Right," Twilight said, rummaging around in her saddlebags for a few sketches I had made on that day. She held them up. "And you included some parts about sexual selection."
Nodding with my whole body was tiring, so I held up my hand like a sock puppet and had it nod. Twilight blinked a few times, before she got it and smiled.
"Ah! Good. Anyway," she said as she placed the sketches in my lap, along with a notepad, blank paper and pencil. "I was wondering if you could establish a range of body styles, roughly speaking, from least attractive to most attractive. As well as some notes on what the male of your species looks for in a mate, in general, and you specifically."
I stared at her. Twilight shrugged.
"I'm doing some sexual selection studies on Ponyville stallions, and a little study into other species' selections." She smiled. "That's what I wanted to get from you before, but I think I... Er... Came on too strong." Her smile was nervous, and she had a bit of a blush.
That's an understatement, I thought dryly. Still, I waved her off anyway. I mean, we were both alien to one another and frankly, explaining I was a little freaked out at romantic attraction to someone outside my species would require me to speak.
Probably very quickly to avoid hurting her feelings too badly. If that was the case. If not, I needed to speak quickly to avoid embarrassing the two of us.
I nodded with my hand puppet again, and began some quick sketches. On the far left of the piece of paper, I drew the basic body plan of a supermodel on meth-Skinny beyond belief, and despite their ornamental nature, most men were not really attracted to them.
On the far right side of the paper, I drew the kind of women I couldn't help think of as "living boulders". When I was little I pretended one of them would fall over and roll after me like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Obviously there were outliers, men who found this body plan attractive but frankly, they couldn't be a large percentage.
Even in America.
I drew a scale of figures in between, and marked the middle bit (running from the girl who is on the verge of working out too much to the girl who is generously called voluptuous) as the average of human male desire. I wrote down some general turn ons for men, physical and nonphysical.
Hey, we have them too. Personally I went for intelligent women, kind maternal women, or fiery women. More often than not though I ended up dating crazy women, though that might just be male bias talking.
When I was finished, I showed the sketches to Twilight. She nodded approvingly and smiled at me.
"Good, good! How about what human women want?"
I shrugged, but I gave it my best shot. Running purely from female instinct, I wrote that the majority of females of the human species prefer tall men, who were athletic to some degree.
Emotionally women in general wanted more sensitive men when it came to long term stuff like child rearing, but preferred a balance between manliness and sensitivity. Being personally attractive and super confident but a jerk (an alpha, in other words) worked for women who only wanted short term relationships. Longer term they wanted guys who would stick it out with them but the more successful relationships were the ones where the men maintained their personal attractiveness and confidence as best they could.
Okay, I was vague but let's be honest: With the social sciences you're always being a generalist. And I'm a man to boot who is dumbing down human male/female interactions for a talking magic pony. Give me a break.
"Hmmm... In a lot of ways, it's not too different from our species," Twilight mused as she read it over. "Still! It'll put some ideas that, er... Certain ponies have been having to rest."
I stared at her. She coughed and looked aside.
"Oh my, look at the time, I think I need to-Oo!" She gasped as I took hold of her tail, and glared at her. She looked over her shoulder with a flush.
"Er... Could you let me go please?" She asked. I waved my hand around for her to explain, while still holding onto her tail. Twilight sighed, and trotted back to the side of the bed.
"Okay... There were a few ponies in the village who think you're, well..." Twilight shrugged. "A gelding."
I stared at her in disbelief. Twilight spoke quickly.
"Well! I mean, uh, ponies having relationships outside their species isn't unheard of... Actually, it's fairly common. Nopony thinks it's really weird. I mean you've seen Spike, right? He's attracted to Rarity, and he's a dragon! It's not the first time at all! And you haven't shown any sign you're even attracted despite all of this going on, so..." Twilight gave him a nervous smile. "So, well..."
I let go of her tail and sighed.
"I mean, if this is a bad thing, I can certainly help alleviate it! For, uh, scientific purposes that is," Twilight said quickly. I stared at her in shock. She backtracked, quickly.
"Now, I mean, we don't have to do anything, but just... You know... Pretending attraction would make ponies think of you as... Maybe a little more normal. Relatively speaking," she said. "I mean, unless you are attracted to us and you're just resisting it?"
I leaned back in bed, took hold of my pillow, and placed it over my face.
"... Um... Okay, I guess we'll just talk about this later then?" Twilight asked. I groaned. "I'll take that as a yes. Goodbye! Get better soon!"
With that, she trotted out. I groaned again, wondering how the hell I was going to explain this...
- - - - - - -
"Just a few more snips," the pony doctor said kindly as his scissors clipped away at my bandages, "and we'll be able to take the brace off."
"Mmhm," I grunted, holding perfectly still as the blades snipped close to my face. I clenched the blanket in between my fingers as the doctor did his work. I was always nervous when sharp objects were near my face, due to an unfortunate incident in high school when a freshman had "jokingly" thrust a pair of scissors at my face, and I'd gotten a scar on my cheek for my troubles.
It wasn't a particularly big scar either, just a small thin line a few millimeters to the right of my nose. Not particularly brag worthy.
"Good, good," the doctor said, as the bandages came away. He reached up to the brace and began to undo the plastic fasteners. "You're doing well..."
"Mmhm," I grunted again, my lips twitching. They were hideously chapped. I was thankful the ponies did have a petroleum industry, albeit one devoted mostly to plastics and medicines. Magic and horsepower (ha) provided the motive power for most vehicles and the energy needed to run electricity, at least in Ponyville.
The brace finally came undone, and the doctor smiled. "How do you feel?"
I very slowly opened my mouth, and worked my jaw. "Feels... Stiff," I pronounced. The doctor nodded.
"Yes, that's to be expected. Take it easy with talking and eating for a few days and you should be just fine." The doctor smiled. "Care for a lollipop?"
Something that wasn't liquid? I was all over that, and I soon exited the hospital with a nice watermelon lollipop at the corner of my mouth like a cigarette. I looked around, frowning a bit.
I could have sworn Pinkie Pie or someone would be waiting for me out here. Maybe they hadn't been messaged about my release?
"Well," I mumbled, "no standing on sentiment."
As my work schedule was more contract based, I headed into town to look around and relax a little. It was pretty quiet. The market place was bustling, there were foals running around enjoying their day off-
"HEYAH ANDREW!"
Oh no. I tried in vain to look around, as though they were referring to some other Andrew.
"HEY! HEY!"
Maybe it had suddenly become a common name in the days I had been gone?
"HIYAHHH!"
I groaned, turned back, and bent down a bit to face three eager foals.
"Hello Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle," I greeted them with a sigh.
The Cute Mark Crusaders. Why God, why?
- - - - - -
I was dragged to the blacksmith's shop. Well, it was more like a combination machining and blacksmith shop, a forge and metal working equipment a plenty inside, but "blacksmith" had become the basic title for any metal worker no matter how advanced the technology they used.
Within, Smokestack, the tall, dark and strong proprietor of the establishment, looked up as the Cutie Mark Crusaders and I came in. To the CMCs, he gave an indulgent smile. To me, he gave a snort.
"You took your time gettin' out," he said flatly. I blinked in confusion.
"I did?"
"Well, you signed up for time in the shop with these three," Smokestack said in his gravelly voice. "And you didn't bother to show up!"
"Wait... I did what?" I asked, turning a glare at the three fillies. Applebloom coughed and looked to the side. Scootaloo grinned uneasily. Sweetie Belle tried to hide behind a table.
"Well... Um... Ya did sign that permission slip we gave you," Applebloom said.
"So my 'autograph' was for you to work with power tools," I asked flatly. Scootaloo winced and smiled.
"Yeah, yeah, but it was to make you a gift!"
"Yeah! A gift!" Sweetie Belle said.
"And to try for a Cutie Mark!" Applebloom said cheerfully. I sighed, looked over at Smokestack, and waved my hand.
"It's all right, it's all right," I said. The big stallion snorted, but nodded slowly. I turned back to the Crusaders, shrugged, and forced a smile.
"All right, what's this 'gift' you made for me?"
The fillies squealed and grabbed onto my sleeves with their teeth, dragging me to a workstation in the far corner of the shop. They sat me down on the stool, and then trotted off to what I assumed was the project locker. A few moments later, they came back with a heavy, tube-shaped object about one and a half meters in length, wrapped in a heavy cloth. They set it on the workbench and grinned up at me.
"Open it!" Scootaloo said. I shrugged, reached down, and unwrapped the object. My eyes widened.
"Well, what do you think?" Applebloom asked cheerfully as I held up what looked like a big barreled rifle.
It was about as simple a gun as you could get-A muzzle, barrel, a round firing chamber, a hammer, and a wooden stock. I found a release catch, and the gun barrel moved from the chamber on a hinge. The whole thing resembled a crude M79 grenade launcher. You know, the one from Terminator 2.
"Well... It's certainly something," I said. I looked over at them. "You guys built a gun?"
"Well, you told us all about them," Scootaloo explained. "And we borrowed Twilight's notes on it to make it!"
Ah. Right. I had explained some of our technology to Twilight during our interviews, and when the CMC had asked about Earth the subject had come up. Guns were kind of a natural subject. I had no military experience (medical issues had prevented me from enlisting), but I had been raised with firearms, knew how to use them, and I respected and understood them.
And hell, if you're talking about how humanity came to rule Earth, not including guns is like not including David Bowie in a discussion of Glam Rock.
What? Screw you, Bowie is made of awesome.
I didn't think three school children could figure out how to make a gun from just that though.
"It's really simple," Applebloom said cheerfully. "We made a few shells! You just put it into the barrel, close it, aim, pull the trigger, boom!"
"So... You've tested it?" I asked.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders all looked at eachother.
"Ummmm..."
"I'll take that as a no," I said with a sigh. I looked over at Smokestack. "So, you know anywhere we could test this thing?"
"There's a fireworks testing area on the outskirts of town," Smokestack said. "Probably your best bet."
"For everyone's safety," I said with a nod. The stallion smirked.
"Except for yours."
I stared at him. He chortled.
"Relax, Handyman. I've checked it out myself. It's got no serious warps or defects... But given who made it..."
"Hey! We resent that!" Applebloom growled.
"We'll show you!" Scootaloo said. Sweetie Belle was already ushering me out with her horn prodding my leg.
"Ow, ow, all right! All right, I'm going," I huffed. I tried to ignore the pitying look Smokestack shot me, as I held the cumbersome weapon over my shoulder and away from anyone we might pass.
- - - - - -
The fireworks testing ground had an extremely ominous sign. This sign had a picture of Pinkie Pie on it and said, under no uncertain terms, was a "Miss Pinkamenia Diane Pie" to experiment without the supervision of the local demolitions expert.
Distressingly, that seemed to be Pinkie herself.
Otherwise it was like many a firing ground back on our world-Sandbag bunkers, craters, the works.
"Come on! Come on!" Scootaloo said eagerly. "We wanna see how it works!"
"Where exactly did you get the schematics to build this thing, anyway?" I asked. Applebloom grinned cheerfully.
"Well, we looked over yer notes and through Power Burn's Guide to Explosives and Directed Explosives and put them together!"
"Yeah! We just had to do the math!" Sweetie Belle said cheerfully.
"You did the math?" I asked, the grip I had on the gun loosening. Sweetie Belle shook her head.
"Nope... Miss Cheerilee did it for us!"
"She helped you with the math for building a gun," I stated, not so much asked. Scootaloo shrugged.
"It's not like we didn't tell her what we were building," the orange pegasus said. "She gave us the go ahead!"
"She did?" I asked skeptically. Applebloom nodded, as did Sweetie Belle.
"It's our science project, and when we said you were involved she said it was okay!" Sweetie said brightly.
"But I'm not," I said flatly.
"Yeah, but you are now, right?" Scootaloo asked.
I resisted the urge to facepalm. Clever girls...
"All right. If I am involved though, we're doing this my way," I barked. "You do what I want, when I want, how I want. If I tell you to jump, you ask how high? Is that clear?"
"Yes Andrew!" They chorused. I nodded.
"Good... So... Where are the shells for this thing?"
Scootaloo reached into her satchel, and produced a small sack. I took it, opened it, and emptied the contents into my hand. Frankly... They were not encouraging.
"Ah made that one!" Applebloom said cheerfully, pointing to what looked like a scale replica of the Apple Family barn in the form of an oversized shell.
"I made that one!" Scootaloo said, pointing to the shell that resembled a certain pegasus. Very, very vaguely.
"I just made that one," Sweetie said with a frown, pointing out a simple, bullet-shaped round. I sighed and smiled at her.
"Trust me, this is probably the best one," I told her. The lavender unicorn smiled brightly, as the other Crusaders frowned.
"But-But Pegasi fly!" Scootaloo protested.
"Yes, but they make for lousy bullets," I said.
"What about barns?" Applebloom asked.
"They're even worse as bullets," I replied. I frowned. "Are these the only ones you made?"
"Actually, these are the ones that didn't explode," Scootaloo said.
"Or melt," Sweetie Belle added.
"Or catch fire," Applebloom stated with an embarrassed smile. I sighed, and took Sweetie's round.
"Good to know," I said flatly. Natural selection in action, I guess. "Got ear protection?"
They produced some earmuffs, all fluffy and cute and extremely girly. I took a red pair, placing them over my ears. My glasses would suffice for eye protection... I hoped. Twilight had placed a spell on them to make them very difficult to break.
"All right. You three, get behind those sandbags," I ordered, pointing to a bunker of sorts nearby. "Get down low and don't come out until I say so, got it?"
"Got it!" They chorused cheerfully. They galloped to the shelter, while I carefully opened up the barrel of the weapon. I slid Sweetie's shell in, and I was gratified to find it fit perfectly. Not too tight, not too loose.
I shut the chamber, pleased it also shut correctly. I laid down on the ground, belly first, and grimaced as I dug the butt of the rifle stock into the dirt.
My idea was simple-Fire the gun off, the shell sailing off into the Everfree Forest. The recoil would be transferred into the ground. If it was too intense, it wouldn't break my shoulder.
If the gun burst, I could keep my head down and an arm over it-My canvas jacket and arm would take the damage rather than my skull.
I mean, I trusted Smokestack. More than likely nothing would actually happen-Gunpowder is very difficult to mix properly, after all. If it did fire off, more than likely the gun wouldn't explode.
I could have taken a lot more safety precautions, true. But there was a bit of thrill involved in my decision making. The thrill of discovery, and of blowing things up.
Was it dumb? Very much so. But it was also awesome.
"All right... Cover everyone!" I shouted, making sure I was aiming the thing correctly. I glanced over and saw that the Crusaders were hidden behind the wall, only their ears, hairbow, and horn visible. I nodded and looked down, holding the rifle in line with my shoulder so I could cover my face with my arm. It was a firm hold, though it probably looked awkward.
"Ready... Ready... Ready..." I called. "FIRE!"
KABOOM!
Even with the ear protection that thing was loud. The gun jerked in my grip, kicking up dirt that landed on my shoulder. I very slowly looked up.
The gun was intact. The barrel was smoking a bit, and there was the smell of gunpowder in the air, but most importantly-I was not dead. The groove left in the ground was only about a centimeter-A lot better than I was expecting. The width of the shells must have helped distribute the recoil, though I don't think I'd be firing it off without padding.
"Did it work?" Sweetie Belle asked softly, poking her head up over the sandbag wall. The other two Crusaders followed suit.
I sat up and nodded, now on my feet. "It works," I said with a little smile.
"HOORAY!" They cried, and as expected they all looked at their flanks. Disappointed, they looked up due to the fact nothing had appeared.
"This bites!" Scootaloo said angrily. "We finally do something right and this happens!"
"Well it's not the same for everyone," I said consolingly.
"Really? How did you earn your cutie mark?" Applebloom asked.
"Can we see it?" Sweetie Belle asked. I sighed.
"Guys, for the last time, humans don't have cutie marks," I said.
"Well, we just figured you made that up so you wouldn't show it," Scootaloo said with a huff.
"Or maybe you just never found your special talent," Sweetie Belle suggested. She flushed at my deadpan expression. "Um, I mean, just saying."
I sighed and rubbed my head with my hand. "Guys, this is actually pretty good work. I guess it's just not, you know, your special talent. I mean, Twilight is good at singing, right?"
"Right," they chorused.
"But her cutie mark is magic," I explained. "It's okay to be good at stuff other than your special talent. Really."
"Hmmm," Scootaloo said. "I guess you're right..." She grinned. "Okay, fire off my shell next!"
"No, no, mine!" Applebloom said. I sighed.
"Guys, if I do that it'll probably destroy the gun," I said patiently.
"Ooh! Maybe we just need to make a gun that will shoot them without blowing up!" Applebloom suggested.
"Yeah!" Scootaloo cried. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADER GUNSMITHS-THE SEQUEL!"
"YEAAAHHH!" They cried, galloping off. I sighed, and looked the gun over. Overall, it wasn't anything pretty, but it could definitely come in handy. Especially considering the monsters lurking around here.
If nothing else, it would make me look cool.
I headed back to Smokestack's to place an order for some ammunition. Couldn't be too hard to replicate. After that, I'd see Fluttershy and maybe find some additional work to do today.
I passed by a flyer that made me double take.
"'Iron Will's Assertiveness Seminar?'" I read aloud. I chuckled. "Maybe that's where everyone is today."
My gun slung over my shoulder, I headed for the blacksmith's shop with a cheerful tune on my lips.
I'd survived an incident with the Cutie Mark Crusaders involving firearms and explosives. I had to call that a win.
- - - - - -
Nopony was home when I got to Fluttershy's cottage. Well, save for her assorted animal friends. Angel seemed to be the chief one among them, and regarded me with no small amount of suspicion when I entered. I shrugged.
"Hey Angel, what's shaking?" I asked. The rabbit pointed to the kitchen, and then to his mouth.
"Ah. Hungry. All right, what for?" I asked. The rabbit bounced off to the bookshelf, rummaging through it. He opened up a cookbook, indicating a particular salad sundae. It even had a cherry on top. I frowned.
"Huh... Well, let's see what we've got." I set down the gun and the satchel of shells Smokestack had whipped up for me.
He'd found the design interesting and agreed to make them if we could work out a deal on the manufacturing rights. I had to consult with the CMC's legal guardians for that first, but a few custom rounds wouldn't hurt anything.
Hey, I am not about to get involved in the Pony legal system over patents. It's bad enough in our own world, I didn't want to think about what it would be like here.
Anyway, I found nearly all of the required ingredients save for the cherry. I shrugged, assembled them, and set them out for Angel. "All right, there you go."
Angel scowled, and hit the page of the cookbook several times. I scowled back.
"What? It's a cherry, it's no big deal. It's more for decoration any-"
I ducked, as the little rabbit threw the salad sundae right at my head. I looked back as it sailed through the window, and looked back at the rabbit with a scowl. I shrugged my shoulders.
"Fine. Don't eat it," I said flatly. I got up and walked outside, picking up the bowl and what I could save. I came back in and zipped it up in a plastic bag, shoving it into the fridge. "If you change your mind, it's right there," I said before going over to the couch to relax. "Hoo..."
Angel hopped up onto my stomach and scowled down at me. I glared back up.
"Look. I'm not going out to get you a cherry. Deal with it," I said flatly. "What are you going to do, make me?"
Angel hefted up the cook book and smacked me in the face with it. My eyes widened.
"The hell?!" I rubbed my nose and scowled at him. "What is your deal?" I caught the book the second time and sighed. I took hold of his ears and sat up, glaring at him. He glared right back.
"We are definitely having a talk when Fluttershy gets home, young man," I said flatly. He stuck his tongue out. I returned the gesture.
He grabbed it and yanked hard. My eyes widened in shock.
"PHHBT!"
- - - -
Fluttershy returned, in very good spirits judging from the smile she wore. I looked up from the book I was reading with a smile.
"Fluttershy! Welcome home," I said cheerfully. "How are you?"
"Oh... Um... Gr-Great," she said. "R-Really great!" She held up some pamphlets with a red sigil in the form of a minotaur's head emblazoned on them. "I've been to this wonderful seminar with Iron Will, the Minotaur!"
"Ah," I said with a smile. "How was that?"
"Oh, it-it was good," Fluttershy said with a smile. "Ahem... I mean... New Fluttershy feels it was good!"
I blinked. "Oh... Kay..."
"How was your day?" She asked. "Sorry I couldn't meet you at the hospital, but I had the seminar and... And..." She blinked rapidly. "Is that Angel?"
I looked up above me. The little rabbit was struggling furiously in the bandages I'd wrapped him up in, like he was caught in the web of a giant spider. I smiled.
"Yep," I said.
"Is he hurt?" She asked anxiously.
"No," I said calmly. I took a sip of tea from my mug. "It's just a bit of relaxation therapy. Takes all the pressure off his spine."
"Oh, I see," Fluttershy said. She took the pamphlets and trotted upstairs. "I'm going to be busy for a while. Um... So... Goodnight!"
"Goodnight," I said with a grin at Angel's continuing struggles. I took another sip of tea. In a few hours, if the rabbit cooperated, I'd let him go. If not, he could get used to being a ceiling ornament.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
The next day, that irritating rooster announced the start of a new day. I swung out of bed with a smile on my face. I washed, dressed and made my way downstairs, to a somewhat peculiar sight. It was weird enough the other animals were all watching Fluttershy as she coached herself in the mirror.
"Remember, you are a winner, you are assertive," she told herself. "Never apologize when you can criticize!"
I blinked a few times. Admittedly, this was not the weirdest thing I've seen Fluttershy do. She is very sweet, very kind, but she's also a little... strange.
Like, "dress up as a flower pixie and dance to get the weasels in the mood" strange.
Then again, I like to talk to myself in the mirror a lot too. Good practice for... Talking.
"Good morning Fluttershy," I said with a smile. She jumped a bit, then turned and smiled at me.
"Oh, hello Andrew. Good morning." She trotted over to the table and held up some pieces of paper. "You've got some work orders for today."
"Oh, thanks!" I said with a smile, taking them. I looked them over-They were all fairly simple jobs, but they did pay well. I nodded at her. "Good. So, what are you up to today?"
"Oh, um, I'm going to try out my assertiveness training today!" Fluttershy said brightly. "I did the whole workshop yesterday, and... And I want to see how I do."
"Well, good luck with that," I said with a smile. Fluttershy frowned.
"Good luck?"
"Yeah... I hope it goes well?" I clarified. Fluttershy continued to stare for a moment, before very slowly nodding and smiling again.
"Sure! Thank you!" She turned and trotted out the door. I shuddered a bit, and wasn't quite sure why.
"Well... That was kind of weird," I muttered. I looked up at the ceiling, and groaned. Angel was nowhere to be seen.
"Perfect," I grumbled.
I departed a few minutes later, wary of everything around me. I stepped down the path to the main road, where I happened upon a soaking wet Mr. Greenhooves. I blinked.
"You all right, sir?" I asked.
He shivered. "Oh, uh, just... Just fine, Mr. Fluttershy!"
I sighed. "Sir, I'm not-"
"She's quite feisty today, your wife! You might want to look to her, see if you did anythin' to upset her!" The old stallion said. He squinted at me. "And also yer standing on yer back hooves. That ain't healthy to do all the time!"
I rolled my eyes. "Right sir, I'll get right on that." I headed into town for my work, heedless of the air of doom that seemed to be hanging over my head.
Then again I was used to that.
- - - - - -
Getting back into the swing of things let me take my mind off of Fluttershy's unusual behavior. My first stop was city hall, which had sustained a lot of damage to it's roof from various sources. The residents had torn out the old, rotting support beams and it was my job to drill the new one into place.
One of those sources of destruction was alongside me now as I drilled a screw into the support beam, on top of a ladder. She was a gray pegasus who hovered nearby, her bright yellow eyes staring at me in wonder.
"Okay," I said with a sigh as I finished. I reached down and pressed my weight on the beam. I checked the joint-I'd made sure there was a fairly large notch in it to help with the hold. "I think this'll work for this one." I turned to my assistant with a smile. "Let's move the next one into position."
"Okey dokey!" She said cheerfully. She flew off, and I slowly moved along the parts of the roof that were still intact to the next support beam to be replaced. For this job, I employed a bit of rope to tie the beam off. I then used a handsaw to cut through the beam, cutting the same notches into the connecting pieces at the edges of the roof.
It was slow going but I managed to get both of them done by the time my assistant flew back. Her wings were beating hard as she carried the beam via a rope in her mouth. Slowly, she lowered it, and I slid back with a smile and waved my hands.
"Come on, come on... Easy... Easy does it..." I called. Her wings were beating hard enough to be heard, like helicopter blades, and the new beam came down slowly... Slowly...
And then dropped, knocking the old beam out of place and swinging the new beam right for me. I yelped and fell over, grabbing onto the rope that secured the old beam tight. I skidded down the rope, wincing as the rope burned against my face, but I managed to come to a stop. I looked up and saw the pegasus staring down with an apologetic look on her face.
"I'm very sorry!" She cried... Which let go of the new support beam.
"Crap!" I cursed as I let go of the rope, the beam plummeting for me. I threw myself to the side, landing on my stomach with a "whump!" as the beam hit the floor behind me with a loud "crunch!"
I had covered my eyes out of reflex, and when I opened them I saw the gray pegasus smiling nervously at me.
"Er... Oops?" She said. I sighed and leaned back.
"Is there any particular reason you were assigned to help me, miss...?"
"Derpy! Derpy Hooves!" She said proudly. She rubbed her chin. "And the reason I've been assigned to this job is because I helped break the city hall building!"
I stared. "Uh huh... And you want to fix it because...?"
"It's my responsibility!" Derpy said cheerfully. I sighed and rubbed my head.
"I see..." I stood up and held up my hands. "Please wait here, Derpy."
"Okey dokey!" She said cheerfully, saluting me.
I marched right to the Mayor's office, and knocked on her door.
"Come in~!" She said, and I entered. She looked up from some paperwork with a bright smile. "Oh! Hello Andrew, nice to see you again."
"Uh, same Miss Mayor," I replied. "I've... Really got to ask if you can assign some more help to me on the roof?"
"More help?" The Mayor said with a frown. "I thought you said you could handle it with a few pegasi!"
"Well yeah, but at the moment I only have one pegasus, and it's Derpy," I said flatly. The Mayor winced.
"Ah... Yes." She rose from her seat with a frown. "That is odd. Everypony should be back from their lunch break by now..." She pushed past my legs into the hallway and trotted down to the other offices. I watched her go and sighed, shaking my head.
The least I could do would be to fix up the beam, so I headed back to the construction site. Derpy was there, cheerfully eating some muffins. She grinned as I came back.
"Hello boss! Wanna muffin?" She asked, holding one out. I shrugged and smiled, taking one.
"Sure..."
As I ate it, she chattered amiably about the difficulties she had had in getting said muffin.
"I mean, there was this big line right outside Sugercube Corner! It just came out of nowhere! And then there was this huge pile of garbage on the bridge I like to look at fish from, so I slipped in it and had to go grab a shower..."
"Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh," I replied politely, nodding every so often. I kept my eyes peeled. Frankly, Angel's revenge could come from anywhere and this seemed like an ideal place for an ambush. That crazy rabbit might come from anywhere.
I was already wishing I had my gun. Well, hand cannon really...
"... then Rainbow Dash said she was fed up with my shenanigans! I didn't mean to cause shenanigans, I just wanted a broom..."
"Uh huh," I said with a final nod. I stood up. "Well Derpy, what do you say to finishing this beam up?" I looked up with a frown. "Doesn't look like anyone else has come back from lunch. What do you say?"
"Oh! Sure!" Derpy said cheerfully.
"Just uh... Don't talk during it, okay?" I said. Derpy nodded happily.
"Not a probl... Er... I mean..." She made a "zipping her lips" motion. I nodded and smiled.
- - - - - - -
A completely silent Derpy may not have been the best choice either, I reflected, as I lay in a heap on city hall's steps.
"SORRY BOSS!" Derpy shouted. "I WANTED TO SAY 'LOOK OUT' FOR THAT FLOCK OF GEESE BUT-"
"No, no, it's fine," I sighed. I twitched. "Really... Ow..."
- - - - - - -
Thankfully, I didn't need to spend another night at the hospital. I hadn't broken anything, just bruised it nice and hard and a quick healing spell saw me returning to City Hall. I frowned as I noted that the rest of the work crew was now milling around, looking distracted.
Save for Derpy, who was cheerfully working with a whistle.
"So, what took all of you guys so long?" I asked, as soon as I'd ascended the roof. One pegasus, a stallion in green, grimaced.
"Some rude pegasus just up and monopolized the restaurant we go to!" He said. "She wouldn't let anypony else be seated until all her needs were met!"
I winced. "Sheesh, sounds like a real piece of work..."
"I couldn't get coffee because that same pegasus took so many cups I didn't get any for myself!" A pink, female pegasus sighed.
I looked at the last pegasus, a guy in gray fur. "What happened to you?"
He trembled. "She... She said I looked... Tacky!" He whimpered.
I blinked a few times. "Uh... Huh." I sighed. "Look guys. We just have to finish the support beams today, then we can do the roofing. Why don't we all just focus and get it done?"
I got a round of unenthusiastic replies, but we did manage to get the support beams in place before it was time to call it a day. Derpy cheerfully waved, while the other ponies seemed rather disturbed.
I didn't really get it. Maybe ponies were more easily upset?
Nah, that was probably a generalization. Hell, I'd seen Fluttershy stare down a T-Rex, and Twilight blast some nameless horror back to it's lair in the woods. They were made of sterner stuff.
Maybe they were just having an off day.
In any event, I made it to Fluttershy's cottage: Exhausted, achy, and confused.
My confusion, however, was only going to grow as I entered the cottage. The hordes of cute little animals that were usually within were all gone. In their place stood Fluttershy, giggling to herself as she lounged on the couch. On the coffee table in front of her, there were several cups of coffee.
She looked up at me and smirked.
"Welcome home, Andrew."
- - - - - -
I stared back at Fluttershy, managing a friendly smile as I usually offered to my landmare every day I got back from work.
"Good evening Fluttershy," I said. "I uh... I take it you had a busy day."
She stretched and smiled cheerfully.
"Oh yes, a wonderful, busy day!"
"That's good to hear," I said carefully. We were both silent for a moment. There was a tension in the room, a tension that just kept building. I decided, idiot that I was, that I was going to head it off as quickly as possible.
I wiped my forehead and sighed.
"Well! I'm exhausted." I headed for the kitchen. "I think I'll just have a quick dinner, then shower then bed good night-"
"Hold it."
I froze. I very slowly turned my head to look at Fluttershy, who was staring intensely at me.
"Yes?" I asked, turning to face her. She smiled again.
"I want a massage."
"... Okay," I said, shrugging. "Sure." Truth be told, this made me feel a little better. I mean, it was just a massage, right? How much trouble could a massage cause?
My mind nastily reminded me of Applejack and Twilight, but I dutifully ignored them and sat down on the couch next to Fluttershy. She laid down, and looked up at me expectantly. I rubbed my hands together, and began my work on the muscles of her back as efficiently and in as business like a fashion as I could.
She hummed happily before she spoke.
"I had a great day today... Mmm... Iron Will's training really, really helped me," she sighed.
"I uh... Heard," I said carefully. She looked back at me.
"Oh? What did you hear?" She asked cheerfully.
"Uh..." How to phrase it properly...? "Well... My work crew was late getting back from lunch, apparently due to some of your... Assertiveness."
Fluttershy's eyes widened for a moment, before narrowing. She huffed.
"They were in my way, and when somepony blocks, it's time to rock!"
"What does that even mean? I almost got crushed by Ditzy because of that," I said flatly, still massaging her back. Fluttershy sniffed.
"The old Fluttershy would've been the one who didn't get lunch on time, or just crushed. New Fluttershy is perfectly content with getting what New Fluttershy wants!"
"I... See...?" I said, now very concerned.
"Rub me between my wings!" She commanded. I did so, and she trembled underneath me. She let out a deep, throaty moan. "Ohhhh yesss..." She smirked up at me. "How about the other side next?"
I withdrew my hands. She started, and stared up at me in surprise.
"What? Why did you stop?"
"Well, because I want to talk to Old Fluttershy," I said, as calmly as I could manage.
"Old Fluttershy isn't here! There's only New Fluttershy!" Fluttershy growled.
"Oh, New Fluttershy, you nut, now let's be serious," I said. I took hold of her hooves and looked imploringly into her eyes. "Come on, Old Fluttershy. You know, sweet, kind, gentle Fluttershy?"
"HA!" She scoffed. "You just want to talk to Old Fluttershy because she was a pushover! You enjoyed pushing me around, didn't you?"
"I'm... Sorry?" I asked. "What?"
"Yeah! You enjoy pushing me around! Having me at your beck and call! And you enjoy it because you are alone on this world," she continued, glaring at me directly. "Totally alone. You're a weak alien, that's what you are! Too weak to be honest about why you hung out with me before!"
My jaw dropped.
"What?! What are you-No, no, this is about you," I said flatly. "You're the one acting like you've gone insane!"
"That's it!" Fluttershy said angrily. "You're just avoiding the issue!"
"What issue?! I don't-!"
"Well, New Fluttershy won't have jerks under her roof!" She growled. She rose up on her back hooves and struck me in the chest with both of them. I was sent sprawling onto the floor as she hovered above me, her eyes narrowed in anger. I held up my hands defensively.
"I didn't push you around, you volunteered to let me stay with you! I pay you rent! I do chores!" I was now feeling desperate. "I can find that spot you really like between your wings!"
"Get out!" She snarled. "Out right now! New Fluttershy will not tolerate this!"
Discretion, as has been said before, is the better part of valor. So I very slowly nodded.
"Right... All right... Clearly you want some time to yourself. That's all right." I grabbed a change of clothes, a few other essentials like my toothbrush, and got out as fast as I could.
- - - - - - -
Thirty minutes later, I was in front of Twilight's door. The moment she opened it, I let it spill.
"Fluttershy has been possessed and we need to save her immortal soul."
Twilight blinked.
"Good evening to you too...?"
- - - - - - - -
"So yeah," I said earnestly. "Fluttershy is possessed. Possibly by this Iron Will guy, I don't know. Maybe he's infecting ponies with his spirit, turning them all into evil, malevolent bitches!"
"Andrew, Andrew, breathe!" Twilight said, reaching up and resting her hooves on my shoulders. "Just relax, breath..."
"R-Right, right, breath," I said, taking deep breaths. "Relax..."
She massaged my shoulders and her face was curiously close. I looked up into her eyes. She looked into mine.
"... Right, I'm relaxed," I said quickly, scooting away and clearing my throat. She sighed and nodded.
"Right..." Her horn lit up as several books came forth, coming to a rest on the coffee table. "I wouldn't worry too much, she's probably just, you know... Going a little overboard."
"Seriously Twilight, would you at least go talk to her? She did basically throw me out," I said flatly. Twilight sighed and patted me on the thigh.
"All right, I will," she said kindly. "Though you know, you could just move back in with me."
"I... It..." I sighed and looked at the ceiling. "I think it's a little crowded here already."
"You could just share my bed," Twilight suggested with a bright smile. I stared at her in disbelief. Twilight shook her head rapidly.
"I-I didn't mean it like that!" She insisted.
"Well how did you mean it?" I demanded.
"I just meant... You know... We share a bed. I used to do it with Spike all the time," Twilight said.
"And I bet you talk to him about how his species reproduces all the time," I said, growing angrier. Twilight stepped back and scowled.
"What exactly are you implying, anyway?"
"I don't know! What are you implying?"
"What do you think I'm implying?!" Twilight demanded. "Because it sounds like you're implicating me for something you think I'm implying!"
"I'm not implying anything!" I shouted back.
"You're shouting pretty loudly about not implying anything!" Twilight growled back, now right in my face.
"That's only because you're denying you're implying anything!" I shouted back.
There was a loud groan from upstairs, and a sleepy looking dragon peered down from his partially open door.
"Would you two please take this outside?" Spike sighed. "Or at least argue in a less noisy way?"
"Sorry Spike," we both said together. The dragon grumbled something about mammals I'm not going to repeat here. Suffice it to say it made Twilight blush, and I looked at the ceiling with a heavy sigh.
There was silence for a while before I spoke again.
"Right. So... Demonic possession," I said. "How do we fix it?"
"Are you sure you're not just overreacting to her going through a mood swing?" Twilight asked.
"You haven't seen her," I emphasized. "Really."
Twilight sighed. "Look... We're both really, really tired. Let's just call it a day and rest. We'll do something about Fluttershy tomorrow but right now, neither of us is thinking straight."
"Right," I said with a nod.
"You can sleep with me," Twilight said. I gaped at her in some astonishment, but she looked at me with a bit of steely determination.
"You can't sleep anywhere else, there isn't a large or comfortable enough surface. And whatever you think my intentions are, all I want is to sleep and for you to be comfortable." She took a deep breath and glared at me. "All right?"
"I... It..."
"Well?" She asked, tapping her hoof impatiently. I nodded.
"All right..."
"Good," Twilight said, trotting upstairs. I stared after her for a long moment, and sighed. I shook my head at my own stupidity.
"Once more unto the breach, dear friends," I quoted Henry V as I slowly ascended the stairs.
- - - - - -
Relax guys. At no point will this turn into a clopfic. That doesn’t mean I won’t make jokes about it though...
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
I was staring at the ceiling in the dark now. I held the covers to my body tightly.
A hoof brushed over my chest and I felt something wet on my shoulder.
"... Twilight?"
"Om nay bus," she mumbled. I felt her chewing on my shoulder. I sighed.
Well, as long as she was just chewing on my shoulder, hugging me... Nothing else... I could get to sleep.
To be entirely honest, it had been a long time since I'd had someone else in my bed. Not for the obvious reasons, just for someone to hold as you sleep so you don't feel so lonely.
I could live with this situation when put in those terms. Kind of like having a stuffed animal.
"E raised to a is transcendental if a is algebraic and non-zero..." She muttered.
A stuffed animal who talked about advanced mathematics and drooled on my shoulder in my sleep. I sighed and wrapped an arm around her... Mid section so she'd lay more comfortably and tried to relax.
Before I knew it, I was falling through clouds of cotton candy, tumbling over and over again. The ground rose up and I stopped, and I felt like I had been hit by vertigo. Nothing was at the right angle, not the trees, not the houses, even the bees were flying upside down.
"Well that's just silly," I said. I looked down at my hands-They were now hooves. "That's sillier..."
I looked up at the sky and my eyes widened. It had turned red, and where the moon usually was on Equestria... Was Earth.
An Earth coming apart, pulled asunder by invisible hands. It was then squished back together like it was made of playdough, and began falling.
"That's not good," I decided, and I galloped for my life. Outrunning a planet on foot (or rather hoof) is generally not possible, and I got a good look at the continent of North America (or the pieces of it left squished together with Europe, Asia and Taiwan) as it fell upon me.
Lake Tahoe, the Hoover Dam, the city of Denver's Coors Field, the Forbidden City of China, and dozens of other mish mashed monuments and buildings rained down upon me. I couldn't breathe.
"Mmph! Gnnngh!" I gasped for breath, and felt a weight on my stomach and sheets wrapped around me. I tumbled and fell, and the weight yelped as we hit the floor.
"Bwah!" I gasped, pulling my head free of the sheets. Twilight Sparkle followed, coughing. We looked at each other, both suffering the effects of bedhead. There was the sound of a cleared throat, and I closed my eyes.
Just what I need...
"Uh... Good morning... I didn't see anything!" Spike yelled as he ran downstairs.
"Spike! It's not what it looks like! SPIKE!" Twilight called. She looked at me and smiled nervously.
"Er... Eh heheheh... I guess I uh... Toss and turn a lot, huh?"
I held a hand over my face and groaned. "Yeah... Me too..."
"Well... Look on the bright side," Twilight said. "He's not going to spread it around..."
"Good morning Twilight! I'm here for my book pick-WOAH!" Rainbow Dash gasped as she flew in through the window. "Nevermind!" She jetted right out. I stood up, the sheets becoming untangled. I was standing there in my white undershirt and red boxers and I waved my hands frantically.
"It's not what you think! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!"
"It's cool! I'll give you two space!" She called back. I sighed and looked over at Twilight. The purple unicorn's face was buried in her hooves.
"Ever notice how our lives seem like some kind of twisted joke?" She grumbled.
"From the moment I met you," I sighed.
- - - - - -
"My life is ruined!" Twilight moaned, her hooves covering her face. "Completely ruined!"
"Can it be ruined after you eat your breakfast? It's getting cold," Spike huffed.
We were in the kitchen having breakfast. Well, I was having breakfast. Twilight was moaning over her breakfast. Frankly though, the more I ate of Spike's wonderful hashbrowns and scrambled eggs the less I had to think about what we had to do today.
I just needed some peace and quiet...
"What if Princess Celestia finds out?" Twilight wailed. "What if she thinks I'm... I'm... Easy?!"
At that, I spat out some eggs and gaped at her. "Easy?! Well what the hell does that make me?"
"I... Well..." Twilight tapped her hooves together. "It makes you... Um..."
"A stud, of course," Spike said matter-of-factly. He scowled at me. "Not that that's a good thing, you two timer."
"Who's two timing?! I haven't had sex since I got here! Not unless you count getting screwed over by God, the Universe, and everything in general as sex!" I growled.
"Oh come on! You're telling me Fluttershy is possessed! I bet you just made her mad!" Spike huffed.
"Spike! That's not helping!" Twilight insisted. "And we didn't do anything! We're not doing anything!"
"Yes, she's just freaking out because she's an uptight control freak," I said sagely. Twilight nodded.
"Yes exact-HEY!"
"Oh," Spike said with a nod. "That makes sense."
Twilight scowled at me across the table. "Uptight control freak?!"
"Er... It can be taken as a compliment on my homeworld?" I offered.
Twilight huffed, and crossed her fore hooves together as she glared at me.
"And I guess 'indecisive cowardly jerk' is one too?"
"Indecisive?!" I gasped.
"Why is that the one that makes him angry...?" Spike muttered in the background as he enjoyed his own breakfast of crunchy gems in milk. I leaned over the table and glared death at the purple unicorn.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Just what I mean!" Twilight accused, pointing a hoof in my face. "You are so scared of opening up about yourself because you have issues with intimacy!"
"I have issues with intimacy outside my own species!" I replied.
"Oh! So you're a bigot then?" Twilight asked waspishly.
"I am NOT a bigot! I'm just-This is new for me, all right?" I said angrily. "You can't go from 'my species is the only sapient one around' to 'oh dear God! Even the cows have political opinions on this world!'"
Twilight stared at me in shock. Hell, even Spike dropped his spoon. I tapped my fingers on the table, very tempted to just look away but I had to stand my ground.
Hey, I have a hard enough time on my own world as a white male. I wasn't about to be called racist on two worlds too, thanks.
"Yours is... The only one?" She asked, in a mix of disbelief and wonder. I nodded.
"Yeah... We haven't met any other sapient species. At least, not according to general knowledge. I mean, there were other, competing hominids on our planet thousands of years ago, but most of them were absorbed into ours or just died out," I explained. I sighed. "So, unless aliens make contact while I'm gone..."
"You're alone," Twilight said, frowning deeply.
"Kind of, yeah," I said.
We sat in silence for a while. Spike frowned.
"Well... That's actually kind of a relief," the dragon said. I blinked and looked over at him.
"Huh?"
"Well, that you just don't have any! I mean, I thought you guys might have just killed anything that wasn't you," Spike said. I gaped.
"What?!"
"Well you talked a lot about all your wars and super destructive weapons and violent nature and how you nailed your own god to a tree to die-"
"Context!" I shouted. Spike huffed, hopped off his chair and took his bowl to the sink.
"Fine, geez! Yell at me some more, why don't you?" The dragon snorted. He headed for the door and glared at us both.
"Also, you're both being totally stupid, and I haven't even been on a date," he snorted as he walked out.
"What did he mean by that?" Twilight asked, blushing. I looked up at the ceiling and sighed.
"Not a clue," I lied.
- - - - - -
We went first to Rainbow Dash's home, in the hopes of setting the record straight. Graciously, the blue pegasus let us in, and thanks to the aid of a magic spell I was able to walk on the clouds alongside Twilight.
... It astonishes me how easily I was able to write that. Walking on the clouds. It was hard not to keep staring in wonder at my feet as we entered the home of Rainbow Dash.
"So! You guys wanted to talk?" Rainbow asked, giving us both a dark look. "Maybe you should talk to Fluttershy first, hm?"
"What?" Twilight asked flatly. "Why Fluttershy?"
"Because she's possessed, remember?" I reminded her sarcastically.
"We haven't agreed that's the case yet!" Twilight said sharply.
"Fluttershy's possessed?" Dash asked, blinking rapidly. She pointed at me. "I thought you were cheating on her with Twilight!"
"You're cheating on me?!" Twilight gasped.
"I'm not cheating on anyone, I'm single, we're not dating!" I shouted in exasperation.
"No, he's living with Fluttershy! So he's not cheating on you, you're cheating on her with her!" Rainbow Dash insisted, pointing to Twilight Sparkle.
"No I'm not!" I shouted, exasperated. "We're not in relationships like that!"
"So you're just friends?" Dash asked.
I glanced over at Twilight, staring in disbelief. I looked back at Dash.
"Yes!" I cried. Screw it, that was the situation. Officially. Emotionally I could work that out later.
Assuming I didn't just jump off the cloud house from the look Twilight was giving me.
"Yeah... Friends, that's our... Our current status," Twilight said softly. I grimaced and looked aside.
She's a fricking pony! Get over yourself! Be a man! I admonished myself.
"Well that's not interesting at all!" Dash said. She giggled. "It is kind of funny though..."
"It is not!" Twilight said harshly.
"Not to you maybe," Dash chortled. "So! What's this about Fluttershy being possessed?"
"She threw me out of her house last night for being disturbed about how she was... Being evil and mean, essentially," I said. Dash gaped.
"Fluttershy? Mean?"
"You can go check on the New Fluttershy for yourself if you don't believe me," I said flatly. Dash smirked.
"Fine! I will!" She shot off like a bullet, her rainbow form a blur that receded into the distance. We watched her go... And then looked at each other.
We then looked away.
"So... Friends huh?" Twilight asked dully.
"That... That is the general term for beings who are close but not... Ahem... Romantically involved," I said, clearing my throat.
"I see," Twilight sighed.
"... Not that... I mean... It's..." I puffed out my cheeks.
"What?" Twilight asked curiously. I slowly turned and looked at her.
"It's... I mean... Relationships can..."
Look. This wasn't easy for me. One, I'm a guy. Women don't like guys who are completely direct with them... Except when they do. And two, she's... She's a pony! My brain and heart and other parts are kind of conflicted about everything.
"Can what?" Twilight asked. "Change?"
"I... It..." I was about to nod. I swear I was going to nod, maybe deal with this... Tension in a way that adults would.
... Not like that!
Unfortunately, as I had said before, the only screwing I was getting was from God and the Universe, because Rainbow Dash slammed into me and sent me sprawling on the floor of the cloud house.
"GAH!"
"Dash! Dash, what is it?" Twilight asked earnestly. The blue pegasus got up, shakily, and stared at Twilight.
"She... She... She said I was a... A..."
"What, what?" Twilight asked. Dash trembled and sniffled.
"A... A no good, slow, pitiful waste of a pegasus who was so eager to suck up to the Wonderbolts she'd never get her chance!" She sobbed. "And I'm fat, too! And... And... Uwahhhh!"
"Oh Rainbow Dash!" Twilight gasped, hugging her friend... As she continued to stand on me.
"Now... Do you believe me?" I asked flatly.
Twilight looked down at me, and slowly nodded. "You're right. You're absolutely right. We need to fix this." She smiled broadly. "And I know just who to talk to!"
"Good, good... Can we go before Dash crushes my ribs?" I complained.
"S-Sorry," Dash sniffled. "I guess I'm just too FAT! BWAAAAHHHH!"
Twilight sighed, as did I.
- - - - - -
We'd done what we could for Rainbow Dash, but Twilight's mention of ice cream had set the poor blue pegasus off crying again.
"I can't believe you said that," Twilight said as we walked down the path to the Everfree Forest.
... Okay, it was me who suggested ice cream.
"It seems to work on women on my planet!" I said.
"What, suggesting they eat more when they have body problems?" Twilight snarked. I scowled at the back of her head, as she knew where we were going and I did not.
"She can go supersonic, I don't think her weight is the issue!"
"It's not the issue, it's how Fluttershy affected her! You should be cognizant of this!" Twilight responded.
I groaned and rubbed my head. "Seriously! I misspoke! I'm under stress!"
"So am I!" Twilight growled.
We came to a rise within the forest, and in front of us there stood a hut at the base of a large, ominous tree. I didn't pay it much attention.
"So why are you... Oh. Right." I groaned and smacked my forehead.
"What?" Asked Twilight.
"The friends thing," I said with a sigh. "I'm sorry-"
"I'm not bothered by it," Twilight said flatly. She continued on towards the hut. I followed, knowing this was not the time but really. She couldn't just go passive aggressive on me like this.
"Well I think you are, and I am," I said flatly. Twilight groaned, closing her eyes tightly.
"Yeah, yeah, maybe I am but you haven't made things any clearer have you?" She growled.
"Maybe if you gave me a chance to do so, I could," I said angrily.
"How hard is it to say..." She trailed off. I smirked at her. She glared back.
"You're not innocent in this!"
"No, but neither are you!" I said flatly.
"Fine then!" Twilight huffed. "Next chance we get, let's be entirely honest!" She held out a piece of parchment with her schedule written on it. "Let's... Make it in two hours. Does that work for you?"
I blinked. Several times. "I... What?"
"Does that work for you?" Twilight asked flatly, glaring at me over the parchment. I nodded, quickly.
"Yes! Yes it does!"
"And we'll both be honest?" She pressed.
"Yes," I said. "I'll even shake on it."
We did so. Twilight nodded.
"Good!"
"Good!"
We turned to face the hut again... Only to see the amused face of a zebra with a mohawk and golden earrings.
"Twilight! At last you submit to the motion, to make use of my fine love potions!"
"... Not exactly," Twilight said.
"Do... You do that all the time?" I asked.
"Of course. Zecora is the name I call mine, magic mistress of rhyme," she said with a smile.
"And you're... The town DJ?" I asked.
"No my dear hominid, not quite, though I do enjoy the night," she said.
"Ah..."
What had I stumbled into, exactly?
- - - - - -
Zecora's hut reminded me of the African art section of the art museum back home. Decorated with big ceremonial masks, gourds, and idols all over. It smelled interesting too, exotic spices floating in the air from the gourds and the great big pot boiling in the center.
I took in the scenery while Twilight explained the situation. Zecora nodded thoughtfully every so often, while stirring her great big pot.
"To prove Fluttershy is possessed, my answer may make you depressed," the zebra said. Twilight shook her head.
"Well, frankly there wasn't much on it at the library. I mean, there are several books but without more specific data they're not much help," Twilight explained. She looked over at me with a flat expression.
"Besides, I'm not entirely convinced she is."
"What, because I said she was?" I asked with a scowl.
"Of course not, but Dash is prone to exaggeration at times," Twilight countered. "I've had time to think on it! Isn't it possible you're all just overreacting?"
"Dash was crying, I think that's pretty compelling evidence," I growled. "That and she tossed me out when I wouldn't finish a massage-"
"Oh, so you were massaging her," Twilight said, her eyes narrowed. I held up my hands.
"It was platonic!"
"We're not supposed to discuss our relationship for another hour and a half!" Twilight said angrily, holding up her schedule. I growled back.
"You're the one who brought it up!"
"Oh my. Given this new explosion," Zecora interjected, looking amused, "are you sure you don't need a love potion?"
"Very!" We both insisted. The zebra chuckled.
"Very well, my little pony and human. Trust then my demonic acumen." She trotted over to a shelf, and retrieved a flower with bright green and pink petals.
"If the petals turn red, then a demon resides in Fluttershy's head," she spoke. "If the petals turn blue, then this is just some hullabaloo."
"Thanks," I said, taking the flower and opening my backpack's main compartment.
"Wait, what's that?" Twilight asked.
"Oh, it's a hand cannon," I said. "The Cutie Mark Crusaders made it for me."
"Well don't put the flower in there, you might crush it," she said flatly.
"Fine," I said, tucking it into a smaller, outside pocket instead. I closed back up my pack and turned back to Zecora. Twilight nodded and managed a grateful smile.
"Thank you Zecora, we really appreciate this."
"Yeah," I said. "... By the way, what happens if it turns orange?"
Zecora stared at me with an amused expression. "Goodbye you two, I wish you well on your quest. And your discussion of the rest." She gained a little smirk.
"And if problems you two have with size, transformation potions to purchase would be wise."
"Oookay, thank you very much!" I said quickly, ushering Twilight out the door. She reflexively dug her hooves in and looked over her shoulder at Zecora.
"Really? How much are-"
"ONE HOUR THIRTY MINUTES!" I shouted.
"What makes you think I'm thinking of that," demanded Twilight as I pushed her out of the hut. I looked back at Zecora with a tight smile.
"Thanks a bunch," I gritted out, before shutting the door behind us. I last saw Zecora's smirk, all the while Twilight squawked at me.
- - - - - -
Back through the Everfree Forest we went, me striding along as quickly as I could and Twilight cantering rather than trotting. We'd fallen into silence, though Twilight kept checking her watch. If I had one myself, I'd be doing the same thing.
I repressed a sigh. I felt like I was in a Bioware RPG sometimes...
Well I guess that's what life feels like.
Twilight then abruptly stopped. I went a few more steps before stopping. I turned to look back at her.
"What?"
She was listening very carefully, her eyes narrowed. "Don't you smell it?" She asked.
I shook my head. "Small nose, remember..." I trailed off as I felt a prickling at the base of my skull, and something rumble through my bones. "Oh."
"Yeah," Twilight said. "Run!"
She took off and I followed as best I could, just before something gigantic burst out of the trees behind us with a roar. I chanced a glance back over my shoulder-It was big, it was hairy, it had wings and a lion's mane and above all else, it had teeth.
"Run run run run run!" Twilight shouted, and I did my best to comply as the huge beast raced after us. I panted for breath as I matched her speed, and managed to get out a question.
"Isn't, haa, there a, haa, spell you, haa, can use?"
"I'd prefer, haa, to outrun it, haa!" She panted back as we fairly flew down the trail. The monster's roar carried with it the heat of it's breath, and another quick glance back revealed it was almost right on top of us.
"Not an option!" I shouted.
"Then-!" Twilight cried, and a moment later the entire world turned to light... Before returning to normal. I lost my equilibrium and fell onto my backside, and I smelt burnt hair. I reached up and winced as I felt some of my hair smoldering.
"Ow!" I looked to my right. Twilight was there, taking a few deep breaths.
"Haa... Nice trick," I said. I heard the roar of the monster again. Not as close as before, but definitely approaching us again. "Great... I think it's the same bastard who tried to eat me when I got here."
"Guess he takes it as a matter of pride," Twilight panted. She shook her head and smiled. "Don't worry. I know a spell that will take care of him and-"
"No, wait," I said. I took off my backpack, pulled out the handcannon, and smirked. "Let me."
Twilight stared at me. "Wait, what?"
"Look, I have a score to settle," I explained, as I loaded the cannon. "You already saved me twice from this guy, let me handle him this time."
"What, are you crazy? I can handle this simply and neatly!" Twilight said angrily. I shut the chamber of the gun and stood up, as the trees rustled nearby.
"Yes... But think of this as me paying you back," I said.
"But-"
"Just put up a shield, this could get messy," I said as the monster came into view. Twilight scowled.
"You don't have to do this!"
"No, I don't..." I locked eyes with the monster, and it glared back. Oh yeah, it was the same jerk all right. He recognized me. He stalked for us, claws out, drool running from his fangs. It took me a second to put a name to it-The thing was a manticore, a monster from ancient Greek mythology.
Twilight huffed. "You're just going to get hurt! Or hurt it!"
"That's the idea," I said, taking aim. "Come on, you walking flea bag...!"
"This is stupid and ridiculous!" Twilight insisted. I nodded and shrugged.
"Pretty much, yeah."
The manticore roared and charged me. I smirked and took aim.
Now yes... It was stupid. It was ridiculous. It was probably because of my anger with Twilight Sparkle that I wanted to do it. I don't deny it.
But a man can be very, very stupid when he's arguing with a girl he's attracted to, and staring down a hand cannon at a charging manticore.
"Say cheese, you son of a-" I quipped, just before pulling the trigger. The gun roared, and nearly threw me off my feet as it jerked in my hand. The manticore yelped and ducked, the shell flying right over his head. It then ricocheted off an outcropping of rocks, bounced off a tree, and flew right for Twilight Sparkle. Whose eyes widened as her horn glowed.
BOOM!
I had covered my face just in time, and I lowered my arm, heart pounding in my ears as the explosion rang in them.
"Twilight!"
She was laying on her side, horn producing sparks. I ran over and checked her over. She groaned, which I took as a good sign. She had had her shield up, so she'd only suffered the shockwave.
"Stupid..." She muttered. "Stupid..."
The manticore, seeing I'd missed and had essentially disabled my own teammate, growled menacingly as he advanced on us. I looked up and grimaced.
"Oh yeah... Stupid."
- - - - - -
Okay... I was now holding an empty gun after stunning my powerful unicorn friend with a manticore bearing down on us.
Yeah. Totally according to plan. Including the fact I was pretty sure I had lost bladder control, and I was having to focus most of my energy on just standing still.
"Woah," I said, holding the gun up. The manticore paused in it's advanced, and growled at me.
"Yeah, you know what this thing can do, huh buddy?" I asked, trying to make my false bravado sound real. "Except at this range I can't miss."
Twilight groaned behind me. I ignored this.
The manticore snarled, putting another foot forward. I cocked the gun menacingly, and it stopped again.
"Now listen," I said. "I'm happy to just let bygones be bygones..."
The monster growled, his teeth glistening. He glared death at me. Clearly, he was not willing to do the same.
"Because frankly, I'd prefer to not blow your head off," I said, tapping the gun for emphasis. The manticore growled again, cocking it's head. It flexed it's claws and licked it's lips.
"Right, right... Except, do you know I taste terrible?" I asked. The manticore snorted, flaring it's nostrils. "Seriously, I'm absolutely horrible. You'd really regret it."
The manticore made several complicated motions it's it's claws, pointing to it's stomach, waving, and making a motion I took to indicate meant it was full.
"Oh... So you're not chasing us because you want to eat us," I said. I glared. "Then what the hell are you chasing us for?"
It pointed to me specifically.
"Chasing me?" I asked in disbelief. "You chased me when I got here, the hell's your problem? I'm the one who should be offended!"
The beast made some kind of dancing motion, holding it's claws over it's head. It clapped them together, then made a motion like something falling.
I hadn't the faintest idea what he was trying to get across.
"I... Okay... I'm sorry?" I tried. "Really sorry, for... Whatever I did."
The manticore snorted. I scowled back.
"I'm not blowing your head off right now, am I?" I held the gun up higher. "But I can change that. You've got one chance to get out of here. I suggest you take it."
The manticore seemed to consider that. It rumbled, grinding it's great teeth. It's tail swung a few times. It finally looked up and me and snarled, it's mouth closed. It then began to back away, still glaring at me threateningly.
"... Sure..." I said, never taking my eyes off it. It retreated into the shadows, and I waited until the feeling of terror left me before I even considered lowering the weapon. I reloaded it just in case with shaking hands, before turning to Twilight.
"You okay?" I asked.
"Ungh... My head hurts..." She groaned. "Otherwise... I think I'm all right." She looked up at me. "Not... Not too bad..."
"Funny thing is, I suck at poker," I said as I helped her up to her hooves. She rubbed her head and nodded, chuckling a bit.
"Would have... Fooled me..." She grimaced, and then pulled out her schedule again. "Oh... Well, it's time now."
"What? Really?" I asked, looking at the schedule. "It's been that long?"
"I accidentally put it for one hour from now, not two," Twilight said.
"We could reschedule-" My attempt to delay resulted in a deadly glare from Twilight. I held up my hands. "I'm just saying, you're injured and in a bad mood-"
"Stop avoiding this!" Twilight growled. I sighed, sat down, and held a hand to my head.
"All right... Fine," I said. Twilight nodded, and got herself comfortable on the ground.
"So... You said before that relationships could... What?" She asked. I groaned and rubbed my cheeks.
This is absolutely ridiculous...
"Well?" She insisted.
"I was going say our relationship could... Change," I got out.
"As in, a romantic sense?" She asked. I sighed and nodded.
"Yes, sure." I looked to the side. "Anything's possible," I mumbled.
"So... You're being straight with me... In as non straight a way as you can be." She let out a frustrated groan. "You're so confusing!"
"Me? You kept saying it was all for science," I growled at her.
"That's because I didn't know you were fine with anything other than science!" She shot back angrily. "I was trying to spare your feelings! Why do you have to act like you have to dance around or run away?"
I growled angrily and shot her a furious look.
"Why?! Because human romance sucks!"
I got up, and before she could ask I really let my anger out.
"You have to pose as some kind of alpha jerk to a woman just to get her to pay you any attention! You have to deflect and deceive and flirt and everything else! You can't just be straight with a woman, you have to navigate a minefield of awkwardness! You have to take her feelings into account, be polite, but if you're kind she'll think you're boring or just let you hang on to make her feel better about herself because she can't just tell you she's not interested in you but she wants to use you! You have to want to bang her and make that your goal and use her psychology to that end otherwise you're not a man!"
I took deep breaths, several, and paced around trying to direct my anger away from Twilight. She was very quiet, and I risked a glance at her. She looked shocked.
"Do... Do you think that's what I want?" She asked.
"... No," I said quietly.
"Well then, let me be clear," she said. "I'm interested in you. I like you. I'd like you to be an... An extra special somepony to me." Twilight blushed. "I mean, just to go out and have fun and be close to."
"... Really?" I asked. Twilight let out a huff.
"Yes! There isn't an expectation of sexual activity here! You don't have anything to prove!" She blushed and looked aside.
"I mean... We can't even get pregnant aside from a few times a year," she said. "That doesn't come up a lot."
"Oh," I said. Twilight blinked.
"So... Wait... You thought I...?"
"Well... Um..." I looked aside. Well, this was embarrassing.
Twilight laughed softly. "Well... Um... I wouldn't mind, you know," she said. "But uh... It's not like I get... Like that... All the time."
"Right, right," I said. I summoned what dignity I could, and looked her in the eyes. "Well then... I'd like that. Dating. You and me." I pointed back and forth between us.
"Me too," Twilight said cheerfully. "And if it doesn't work out..."
"We're still friends," I said. Twilight smiled and nodded.
"Good..." She shook her head. "Now, let's go see Fluttershy."
"Right," I said.
"You're carrying me," Twilight said, eyes narrowed. I sighed, picked her up, and put her on my back. She wrapped her hooves around my shoulders.
"Yes ma'am."
"Good," she said cheerfully. "This isn't so bad, right?"
"It's about what I've come to expect from dating, so far," I said wryly.
She lightly bit my neck, but it didn't hurt that much.
- - - - - -
We made it to the path that led to Fluttershy's cottage. On the way, we passed a minotaur being carried off by a pair of goats.
"No means no... That sounds good, really good," he muttered. We stopped and watched him go, before looking at each other.
"That was Iron Will," Twilight said, "the motivational speaker."
"Who started making her act weird!" I ran in front of him. "Hang on pal!"
"Hm?" The minotaur scowled down at me, and stepped off his goat minions. That didn't diminish his height, as he easily had a head over me. He snorted in my face. "What are you doing blocking my way, little man?"
"What the hell did you do to Fluttershy?" I demanded. "You drove her crazy! She kicked me out of my house!"
"Uh, Andrew, maybe we should tone it down a little?" Twilight whispered. Iron Will snorted angrily.
"You should talk to her yourself! She was..." He frowned. "Unsatisfied with my workshop!"
"What?" I asked, blinking.
"Yes!" He looked over his shoulder. "You can ask her yourself!" He hopped back onto his goats, who were looking rather tired. "Go!" He resumed his journey, as a familiar pegasus approached.
"Andrew! Andrew, Twilight!" Fluttershy cried.
"Fluttershy!" Twilight said. She came down and landed on the road in front of us. Pinkie and Rarity galloped up as well.
"I... I went overboard. I'm very sorry for what I said," Fluttershy said. I smiled back.
"It's all right. You're forgiven. I'm just happy you're not... Well..."
"Possessed?" Pinkie Pie suggested. Fluttershy blushed, as did I.
"Yeah," I said with a cough. "In fairness though..."
"Yes, I... I wasn't acting like myself," Fluttershy said softly. She looked down at the ground, but then back up. She smiled.
"But um... I-I'm glad to be back," she said.
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie cheered.
"Better than ever," Rarity said. She raised an elegant eyebrow at us. "And what have you two been up to?"
"Oooh!" Pinkie covered her cheeks with her hooves. "I get it!" She pointed her hoof in my face. "You were cheating on Fluttershy!"
"Wh-Wh-What?" Fluttershy asked with a blush.
"This again?" Twilight asked flatly. "No he wasn't!"
"I wasn't!" I said.
"Then you were cheating on Twilight with Fluttershy!" Pinkie Pie cried.
"Or, are you all together in a single relationship?" Rarity asked. "That was Spiky-wikey's suggestion..."
"Ooh! Dramatic!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "I've never thrown a party for a threesome before! Well, maybe once before..."
I sighed and held a hand to my forehead as a familiar headache came on. Yep, everything was back to normal.
Twilight squeezed my neck slightly, and rested her head on my shoulder. I blushed.
Well... Mostly.
- - - - - -
Well, that’s it for this little story arc. Hope you enjoyed! If there’s enough interest I might write more, or just allow others to use Andrew for their own stories.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
NOTES: Just a bit of fun for you guys to enjoy until the real story is ready to go. It might take a while and I hate leaving my readers hanging without anything to enjoy. Yes, my ego is fragile but what the hell.
- - - - - -
An Interesting Proposal (And A Reason to Keep Your Mouth Shut or Open, Depending on your POV)
"So, Andrew," Twilight said, as she trotted into the library proper. I was sitting and reading a book peacefully, and looked up as she faced me.
"Yes?" I asked.
"I was wondering if for our next date, you'd like me to go as a human... Well, humanoid anyway," she said. "I haven't perfected the transformation just yet."
"Well, sure, if you want," I said with a shrug and a smile. "Sounds like it might be fun."
"Good," Twilight said, "because I wanted to get your opinion of my human form." Her horn glowed, and then the rest of her did. Her form stretched and stood up on her backhooves, and her mane became longer. The glow faded, and I was left...
Staring at a stark naked, very hot purple skinned girl. Her feet were still hooves, she still had a tail, her ears were still pony-like and her horn remained in the center of her forehead but trust me, none of that was an impediment.
To many a human male, they would be bonuses.
"What do human women traditionally wear on their dates?" Twilight asked.
My jaw was to the floor. Sure, I'd seen her in human form before but that one hadn't been as... Polished, if you get my meaning.
"Uh..." I looked up at the ceiling. "Er... What... You've got on... Is totally fine by me."
"You mean naked?" She asked curiously. "You wear clothes though."
"Uh, well..." I coughed. "Yes... Though uh..."
Twilight scowled. "You're just hemming and hawing because you're hoping I go on the date naked, aren't you?"
"What? No!" I said quickly. She hopped in my lap and scowled. I coughed and finally was unable to look anywhere but into her stern eyes. I sighed and nodded.
"Yes. Yes I am... And also dreading it."
"Dreading it?" Twilight asked, frowning. I coughed.
"Yes... You know... Awkwardness over sex and all that?"
"I see," Twilight said thoughtfully. She shrugged. "I guess I'll just have to go around like this until it's no longer awkward." She stood up and smiled brightly, crossing her arms under her breasts. "How does that sound?"
"... Fine by me," I managed. She headed out, and I held the open book over my red hot face.
"Why do I keep opening my mouth?" I muttered.
- - - - - - -
Fashion Foibles
I'll admit it: I have paid attention to fashion and I know more than a lot of other guys. It's primarily thanks to the fact my gay brother is a walking encyclopedia of fashion, among other stereotypes of homosexuality taken to such a degree it's like he stepped out of Will and Grace just to annoy and offend straights and gays equally.
Point is, I can appreciate dressing well, and I can appreciate wearing clothing, being human.
It does not mean I am fine with being a model of clothing and having to stand around for several hours being poked and prodded by a unicorn.
"Rarity, this is entirely unnecessary," I said, once again. I got the feeling that wasn't in her vocabulary.
"Nonsense! An entire species that wears clothes most of the time! This is a dream come true!" Rarity gasped. “Why, your fashion must be far in advance of our own! It’s wondrous! It’s amazing! Your people are simply fantastic!”
"Then use them for models, not me," I grumbled. The outfit I had on was a kind of green suit that looked like it belonged in the Wizard of Oz, or as an get-up the Eighth Doctor would find a bit old fashioned. And I actually liked that Doctor a lot. Rarity bustled around, pins and strings and measuring tape all floating around me like stars orbiting a black hole.
"I have no other models, dear," Rarity chuckled. "Besides! Don't you want to look your best? I assure you, no human being anywhere else will be as finely attired as you!"
"That would be comforting if I could just sit down?" I begged.
"Nonsense, you stand upright do you not?" She asked, doing some sewing.
"Yes, but not all the ti-EE!"
"Oops! My apologies! Please hold still-"
"GAH! OW! HEY!"
"Sorry, sorry, I-"
CRASH.
I poked my head out from a pile of mannequins, and focused on the spinning world. "Oooh..."
Rarity huffed. "Oh, wonderful. Now I'll have to start all over!" She held up her needles. "Come now, up you go!"
"No way!"
"Oh come on you big baby!"
"Never!"
"HOLD IT!"
- - - - - -
"So, I like the chocolate covered ones, but Rainbow Dash says the caramel flavored ones are better! Can you believe it?" Pinkie Pie asked Twilight Sparkle as they trotted by the Carousel Boutique. The purple unicorn chuckled.
"I don't know Pinkie, I like them both."
"Well yeah, me too, but one better than the other?! It's crazy talk, absolute-!"
Andrew burst out of the door of the shop, covered in strips of clothing and running for his life.
"FREEEEDOM!"
Rarity was right behind him.
"GET BACK HERE!"
The two ponies stared after this, before Pinkie shook her head.
"So as I was saying..."
- - - - - -
The next story arc is coming soon. I hope this tides you over until then.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
The human form of Twilight smirked at me across the bed, her legs crossed but raised up so that her thighs were exposed to present a tantalizing hint of panties underneath her skirt. She had completed the transformation, for the most part. Her skin was still purple and the horn still stuck out of her forehead, but otherwise she was the picture of an attractive young homo sapiens.
Really, if you’re going to resist sleeping with a girl because of her skin color, you’re not just racist, you’re stupid. And the horn on her head just made her look cuter.
Now, I liked her pony form just fine, but her human form was just... Sexy. In a way that didn’t make me feel uncomfortable at all.
"You know Andrew Shepherd," she said, playing with a lock of her hair, "I'm still very much interested in human sexuality." She blushed deeply, but held that sexy smile of hers. “There’s so much to learn, and I frankly would like to...” and here she licked her lips, “Experiment with it.”
"Well," I managed a confident tone, smiling right back though my head felt hot enough to combust, "I'm more than happy to experiment with you."
"Good," She said brightly. "I hope you don't mind if I've included Fluttershy in our experiments?"
And down she came, literally angelic as the spell to make her mostly human had not taken away her wings. It had given her a dynamite figure though that was readily apparent thanks to her nakedness, and she blushed at my stare.
"Andrew, I really, really need you," she said.
"Now then," Twilight said, now wearing a director's hat while an animated camera began rolling, "action!"
"Wait, you're recording this?" I said, blinking. "Isn't that a little forward-?"
“It’s for science!” Twilight declared. “Fluttershy’s the control subject, I’ll be the actual test subject. But,” and here her blush deepened, “don’t hold back with her.”
Okay. This was officially the greatest day of my life. Well, okay, the greatest day of my life involving sex. I didn’t rank them all just by that, thank you very much. Coming to Equestria and meeting aliens with magical powers was definitely up there. But you’ll have to forgive my primal instincts for declaring the contest over.
They weren’t exactly using the higher brain functions, after all.
"Andrew? If you could, please," Fluttershy insisted. I sighed, took hold of her luscious hips, and pinned her to the bed with a smile. She squeaked, and blushed cutely.
"Sorry Fluttershy, didn't mean to ignore you. So... Have you done anything like this before, or-" I was flipped onto my back with Fluttershy on top. "Woah! Guess you have!"
She took hold of my shoulders... And shook me violently.
"Passion!" Twilight cried.
"Andrew, wake up please! I mean, if you really want to, please!" Fluttershy cried.
I don't know if any of you feel the same way, but when I wake up, it almost feels like I'm falling off the side of a building into my body. In this case, there was the sensation of being shaken awake, and when I opened my eyes Fluttershy was on top of me.
Unfortunately she was in pony form at the time. Hey, like you wouldn't still be a little uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy with beings who look like horses despite being sapient.
Well... Uncomfortable about writing it down, anyway.
"Ohh..." I looked at the clock with a groan. "Fluttershy... It's three in the morning..."
"Well, um," Fluttershy said, "Twilight sent a message to you."
"She did?" I cleared out of my drowsy state fast, and sat up quickly enough to knock Fluttershy onto the floor. "Ah! Sorry!" I reached down to help her back up to her hooves.
"N-No, it's all right," Fluttershy said. "She just sent for you urgently."
I quickly pulled on my pants and buttoned up my shirt. I pulled on a belt, and a very nice canvas jacket Rarity had made for me a few days after I arrived. My shoes were next, simple black faux leather boots that had come with me from Earth. Magical repair and cleanup made it easy to maintain them, and being faux leather I never offended any cows.
"Did she say what it was?" I asked, as I pulled on my gun. I had added a strap to the gun so I could wear it over my shoulder. As Rarity had made it, I got the feeling I was carrying a purse that happened to be a gun, but hell-It was a pretty badass gun and the strap didn't even dig into my shoulder.
Fashionable and functional.
"No, just that it was ur-urgent," Fluttershy said, holding her hoof over her mouth. I nodded and headed downstairs for the door.
"I'll be back as soon as I-" I opened the door, and a carrot shot right for my face. "BWAH!" I ducked, as a dozen more carrots shot over my head. I slowly looked up, and then back at the carrots that had outlined the form of Fluttershy against the wall.
"Ee-Eep," Fluttershy whimpered. I sighed and looked over at Angel, who was pounding his fist on the table angrily.
"Nice try," I said flatly. The rabbit scowled. I shook my head and looked at Fluttershy.
"Remember Fluttershy, a frying pan works wonders," I said flatly. I turned my head back to the door, as a last carrot hit me right in the middle of my forehead. "GAH!"
While rubbing my forehead, I saw Angel celebrating with what appeared to be an endzone dance.
"Angel!" Fluttershy admonished. I sighed, turned, and ran out the door for Twilight's library.
"Yeah, this is a great start to the day," I grumbled as I went out into the still crisp night.
- - - - - -
I at last made it to Twilight's library tree, which was lit up very helpfully like a beacon. Panting a bit, as I'd run the whole way, I took a moment to catch my breath at the door before knocking on it.
A moment later, an equally exhausted Spike opened the door and stared up at me with a look that was the epitome of "I don't get paid enough for this shit."
Frankly I was kind of envious of it. I couldn't do that look nearly as well.
"She's in there," Spike said, pointing to the inside.
"Do I need the gun?" I asked.
"No, but I'm going to need it soon," Spike grumbled. I entered, bending down a bit before standing up fully inside the library. I blinked as I saw my girlfriend rummaging through papers and scribbling calculations on a blackboard.
"Twilight?" I asked.
"Oh good, Andrew!" Twilight said quickly. "Come over here!"
I walked over, feeling far more than a little concerned. "Yes? What is it?"
"I haven't made a schedule for the month after this month!" Twilight said earnestly, as though the end of the world was upon us.
My jaw must have been closed at some point, but at the moment it didn't feel that way.
"Fwuh?" I asked intelligently. Twilight nodded frantically.
"I know, horrible isn't it?"
I stared in shock, but long experience with girlfriends made me choose my next words carefully.
"Well... It's a problem," I said carefully. Twilight looked back and blinked.
"Yes! A very big problem!" Twilight said urgently. "And I need your help to organize it! I need to find time to write out my schedule for next month!"
I sighed, put my gun aside, and began looking through Twilight's numerous parchments and sheets of paper.
"You know, this might be a whole lot easier if you organized your schedule into a single book," I said calmly. I frowned. "Meeting with the Hay Association? Why are you meeting with the Hay Association?"
"I do consulting work for organizations to make them more organized," Twilight said. She frowned at me for a moment. "Didn't I tell you that?"
"Might have skipped my mind, I've been a bit busy myself," I said patiently, sorting through more papers.
"How busy have you been? I made out your schedule myself, you've got plenty of free time," Twilight said, reorganizing her papers into a single pile with a bit of magic. "I've actually been meaning to talk to you about that, all this free time..."
"It's kind of the nature of my work, Twilight," I said back. I frowned as I read through the numerous books Twilight had on her to do list. Certainly, I read a lot myself but she'd plotted it down practically to the picosecond how long it would take to read each one. “Contract work. I only get a job when ponies need me.”
"Still! There is just so much to do, you really should make more efficient use of your time," Twilight said.
"Right, all that wasted time sleeping," I said with a little wink. Twilight shook her head.
"If only I could eliminate that completely," she sighed wistfully. I rolled my eyes and returned to my search.
Not that I didn't understand her frustration, but... Well... She may have been nice, and a kickass unicorn, but my girlfriend had her own foibles. Same as anyone else, really.
And it wasn’t like I was free of them myself.
Some time later, after reading through her very, very extensive schedule, I thought I had found what she was looking for.
"Okay... How about dropping the meeting with the Ponyville Bird Watchers association?" I suggested, holding up a piece of her schedule. Twilight frowned and checked a few other pieces of paper. She shook her head.
"I can't, I had to reschedule it last month. And they're always so..."
"Flighty?" I suggested. Twilight gave me a scowl.
"This isn't the time for jokes, Andrew."
"This isn't the time to be awake, either," I yawned. Twilight sighed.
"What else is there?" She asked. I shuffled through more papers in my pile, as she went back to hers.
"Well... You could always cancel out on the Apple Family picnic," I suggested.
"Oh no! No no no, I can't!" Twilight said.
"Why not? Applejack would understand," I said. "You could just reschedule."
"Yeah, but the only other time I would have would be..." She trailed off. I looked at her.
"What?"
"Our date," Twilight said, looking a bit embarrassed. "Our, uh, fourth date actually. We discuss our family histories and relationships then."
At my blank expression she continued.
"Our first date consisted of finding out mutual and differing interests. Second date consisted of experimenting with those interests to see which are compatible between us both, and which are not. Third will be to explore some of our psychological hangs ups, fourth is for issues of family-"
"You've really planned that far ahead?" I asked in disbelief.
"Do you even listen to me?" Twilight asked, exasperated. "I've planned this out to the letter so that our relationship has the best chance of succeeding!"
"Well, didn't you think to ask me about this?" I asked, irritated. "I mean, I am in this too!"
"Do you have a problem with the progression of events?" Twilight asked.
I thought about it. I guess I had noticed a general theme of each outing’s conversation, driven by Twilight. I had taken it in stride because we were enjoying ourselves.
"Well no but-"
"Then what's the problem?" Twilight demanded. She stomped her hooves on the floor angrily. "I have so much to keep track of that right now it feels like the entire thing is going to fall apart!"
I sighed and wrapped my arms around her neck to hug her. Look, there are times you stand up for yourself in a relationship (like if your partner is emotionally manipulating you), and times you just comfort them because they're not playing a power game: They're just frustrated due to who they are.
This was the latter.
"Relax Twilight, it's not the end of the world," I said, bumping my head against hers. "You've already handled that, remember? Twice. I'm just a little sleep deprived right now, that's all."
She sighed back.
"Right... Sorry," she said softly. I smiled at her.
"Relax, we'll find the time somewhere, really," I insisted. "We can talk about all that other stuff later."
Yeah, sometimes you didn’t need to just bang through everything in one conversation. It can be exhausting.
"When I find the time," Twilight said, looking over her schedule. My shoulders drooped.
"All right... Then we find the time and then I'm going to sleep, forever," I said, in my best Pinkie Pie impression.
Twilight giggled and pulled away. "Okay!"
It was... Hell, I don't know how long it was. All I know is that one moment I'm looking outside at the night, then I yawn, and when next I look back out...
"Nngh... How long has the sun been up?" I blinked rapidly and winced.
"Okay! I've got it!" Twilight said cheerfully. I started, and looked back at Twilight who was pacing around with a triumphant look on her face. "I just have to reschedule lunch with Pinkie Pie, move up the meeting with the Hay Association and I'll have plenty of time to plan for next month!"
"Good," I said, covering my mouth while I yawned. Twilight smiled at me.
"Thanks for your help, Andrew."
I blinked. "But I didn't do anything..."
"You helped me eliminate several possibilities, that's always helpful!" Twilight said cheerfully. I smiled back, leaning over. I rested my chin on my fist.
"Good," I yawned. "Good thing I don't have any work to do today..." I smiled at her. "We could have date three today if you'd like..."
"Andrew Shepherd! I just reshuffled half my schedule today," Twilight said wearily. "I don't have the time or energy to do it-"
"Okay, okay, it was just a thought," I said, my hands held up. "Sorry!"
"My schedule is pretty much set," She said. She looked apologetic. "I'm very sorry, but there's just no way I can make time today-"
The wind began to pick up. Which was weird, seeing how we were inside and the windows were shut.
An orb of light appeared in the center of the room, glowing and pulsing as wind swirled around it furiously. Pieces of paper and parchment danced about, as the orb grew in size as bolts of lightning streaked from it.
Then, with a final flash... Another purple unicorn in a body hugging rubber suit, crazy hairstyle, and eyepatch appeared. She rose up onto her hooves, and looked around.
"Twilight! Andrew!" She cried.
"Not today," I quipped.
I would have come up with something better, but my weird shit-o-meter had just broken. Plus, I was still tired.
"Twilight, you've got to listen to me!" The other Twilight cried.
"Who are you? I mean, you're me, but I'm me too. How can there be two 'me's? It's not scientifically possible. You are not scientifically possible!" Twilight gasped.
"I'd say she's from the future," said I, sounding far more calm than I really felt. I wasn't even sure I was awake. Usually dreams with two Twilights involve them both in her sexy human form and whipped cream.
... Hey, I have my tastes, you have yours.
"Yes! I'm from the future!" Future Twilight confirmed. My Twilight gasped.
"Oh geez... What happened to you? You look terrible, the future must be awful! Is there some kind of horrible pony war? Did humans invade?" She gasped. "How has my relationship with Andrew progressed?"
"Actually, I'm from next Tuesday morning, but that's not important right now!" the Future Twilight said gravely. "Now, you really need to listen-"
"So the humans are going to invade next Tuesday?"
I would have expressed a little confusion and offense at that but Future Twilight interrupted me.
"No, they don't!" Future Twilight said. "Look, I need to-!"
"How did I time travel anyway?" Twilight asked.
"The time spells are found in the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the Royal Library," Future Twilight said quickly.
"Why did you come back in time then?" I decided to cut to the chase, as Twilight was taking a breath to prepare for a whole new slew of questions.
"I don't have much time, so I need to tell you this! Something vitally important!" Future Twilight said.
"What? What? What happens next Tuesday?" Twilight asked eagerly. Future Twilight took a deep breath as she began to glow again.
"Whatever you do, no matter what, you absolutely must not-!"
And then she was gone, leaving myself and Twilight both feeling mighty confused.
Well, confused and miffed.
"Humans invade?" I asked, offended. "Why would you leap to that conclusion?"
"It's not like it'd be your fault!" Twilight protested. "But you are heavily armed and well organized for such an invasion. It just seemed like a possibility..."
"You could have asked something else," I said flatly. I then had another possibility hit my mind.
"Unless... You like the idea of humanity invading and making you run around in skin tight latex and an eye patch," I said suspiciously.
Twilight blushed heavily and shook her head.
"Th-That’s ridiculous! Right now we have bigger problems!" She turned and dashed for the door. "Come on! We need to warn everypony!"
I sighed and got up. "It'd be a lot easier to save the world on a full stomach, Twilight."
"Well..."
"Unless you'd like me to mention Future Twilight's hot attire," I suggested. Twilight blinked and looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
"It was hot?" She asked.
I blushed and coughed furiously. "Uh, er, well... My hunger point still stands!"
"I agree," Spike spoke up at last, coming downstairs with a loud yawn. "Geez, you two are loud and you’re not even doing anything-"
"Oh, all right, we'll eat on the way!" She said with a huff. "Let's go! We've got to save Ponyville!"
- - - - - -
You asked for more, you got more. And yes, there is a lot of mentioning of sex but it’s a natural subject to come to mind when you’re isolated from your own species. It’s not the only part of Andrew’s character though. And indeed, won’t be the main focus of this arc at all. Could have been worse: I could have focused on him getting drunk for St. Patty's Day.
In regards to Twilight's human form: She hasn't quite perfected it yet, though more experimentation with it (and perhaps other ponies trying out the same thing) will be coming in the future. I'm still not doing a clop fic though.
While this chapter has been completed quickly, the others may not come as fast depending on my schedule. I’m afraid I’m not as organized as Twilight. So just hang tight, or, if you want, feel free to write your own adventures of Andrew Shepherd.
Yes, that is his full name. Blame Mass Effect 2 for influencing me. "Talon" does not sound like a very realistic surname anyway.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Twilight had fortunately found a gathering of ponies nearby a bridge, and she hopped onto a barrel to address them. Politely, Spike and I stood at her sides as she gave her grave address. It helped make her look more serious.
And it gave us a better view of Pinkie Pie wandering around while held aloft by balloons. Hey, it was adorable.
"My future self tried to warn me about a horrible disaster that's going to occur sometime before next Tuesday morning!"
"What kind o' disaster?" Applejack asked, looking quite serious.
"I don't know! I got sucked back into the future before I could explain!" Twilight cried. Pinkie Pie, at this, screamed.
"AAHHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! EEEEEP!" Her legs blurred as she tried to run, but the balloons continued to hold her just high enough she was unable to direct her movement.
"No! No panicking!" Twilight cried. "Now, we've got a week before the disaster, whatever it is, occurs! We need to find out where it's coming from!" She looked up at Dash and a few other pegasi who were flying overhead. "Rainbow Dash! You and the other pegasi need to scour Equestria to see if any trouble of any kind is coming!"
"Roger that!" Rainbow Dash saluted, before taking off. Twilight turned her attention to the rest of the ponies.
"And the rest of us must check and make sure the disaster doesn't arrive from around here. I need you all to check everything! Even the smallest thing, no matter how unlikely, needs to be addressed!"
"Well, ah can take a look at the dam," Applejack said with a smile. "Seems like a likely trouble spot considerin' it nearly came down last time."
"Oh, I-I can check with my animal friends to find out if they know anything," Fluttershy said.
"I will help organize the effort and pick out any details that might be missed!" Rarity volunteered cheerfully.
"And I," I said, "will go check on one of the more likely sources of disaster."
Twilight frowned. "The statue of Discord?"
I shook my head. "Close."
- - - - -
Smokestack's blacksmith shop was abuzz with activity. Indeed, it was creaking, snapping, hissing and all other sorts of sounds with activity. But I was most concerned with one particular sound as I walked in the door.
"READY! AIM! FIRE!"
"OH GOD!" I shouted as I fell to the floor. A loud BANG! went off above my head, and I felt something zip over my hand covered head before it embedded itself in the nearby wall. I slowly looked up, and sighed.
Smokestack, the proprietor of the shop, was slowly coming up from behind a table holding what appeared to be an old steel riot shield.
On a nearby workbench, what looked like a double barreled flintlock pistol sat on a mounting with a string attached to it's trigger. Three adorable heads popped up behind it, and smiled at me.
"Hello Andrew!"
I sighed and waved.
"Hello, Cutie Mark Crusaders..."
- - - - -
"W-We're sorry, we're sorry!" Applebloom wailed. "We were shooting at the target over there, but the mounting was loose!"
"We didn't mean to!" Sweetie Belle sobbed.
"Please don't punish us!" Scootaloo sniffled.
I growled down at all of them, the big scary human holding their gun. "First off, little fillies, if you're going to fire off anything, you do it after double checking everything. And second, Smokestack!"
"What? I checked it," Smokestack said, looking rather calm. "Seemed all right to me."
I sighed and shook my head. I glared down at them. "I am telling your guardians about this."
"Aw man!" Scootaloo pouted. "What the hay?!"
"But, I'm going to encourage them not to ban you from this," I said, holding the pistol carefully. At their smiles, I glared. "But only if you actually practice safety! You might have killed someone!"
"We're sorry!" They chorused.
I shook my head and turned the pistol over in my hands. "You guys have been busy over the past few weeks..."
"Well, considerin' everythin' else we've done has been a total disaster, that we're doin' well makin' guns seems like a good thing!" Applebloom said.
"We've been making them like crazy! All kinds!" Sweetie Belle said cheerfully. "This is just the latest one!"
"Latest?" I asked. Scootaloo scooted over to the project locker, opened it, and took out a big, heavy looking box. She carried it over with Applebloom's help to the workbench. They slammed them on the table, and I gaped at just how many guns were actually in it.
"Since the first gun was really hard to control," Applebloom explained, "we tried makin' simpler, smaller ones!"
Sweetie Belle took hold of what looked like a breech loading single shot pistol and smiled. "This one we made after!"
"But we wanted even simpler, so we made a few of these!" Scootaloo said, picking up what looked like a flintlock pistol. Upon close examination it was clear it was a percussion cap, but it had a bit of flair to it that made it resemble a flintlock.
It wasn't the only one either, about six were in the box.
"You just take a packet of gunpowder, like this," Sweetie said, holding up what looked like a tea bag, "and a round ball, like this," and a simple metal sphere, "and tuck them inside, like this!" Her telekinesis let her slide both down inside the weapon. "We put grooves inside the barrel so the ball would spin, and presto!" She smiled brightly.
"It's a lot easier than just machining a whole bullet with powder inside," Scootaloo said.
"But a lot less accurate," I noted, taking the loaded gun from Sweetie with care.
"Yeah, but it's not a problem for a unicorn to handle!" Sweetie said. "Or you!"
I found what looked like a blunderbuss combined with a musket, and held it up. "And what's this?"
"Oh, well," Scootaloo flushed. "We had a problem of metal shavings, so..."
Sweetie once again magicked up an object-It was a sphere of scrap metal, mixed with something black resembling paste. "We mixed the gunpowder with sticky sap, and made a ball out of it!"
"Wait, what? Why?" I asked.
"My idea," Smokestack said, now on the other end of the workbench. "The trumpet shaped openin' gets a good spread."
"... It's a shotgun, basically," I said. I shook my head and chuckled. "You really are little merchants of death, aren't you?"
"Thanks! I think," Sweetie Belle said.
"But I think you guys should stay away from weapons for a few weeks," I said. "Twilight and I got a warning from the future."
"A warning?" Gasped Scootaloo.
"From the future?" Applebloom asked.
"Do we get our cutie marks?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"What are they?" Inquired Scootaloo.
"Are they any good-?" Applebloom asked, but I held up my hand.
"Girls! It was a warning from next Tuesday!" I said flatly. "Apparently something bad is going to go down, and frankly, you guys building weapons isn't going to help."
"So, was that specifically in the message?" Asked Sweetie Belle. She gasped. "Do we bring about the end of the world?!"
"If you do, it apparently involves Twilight in a tight latex getup with an eyepatch and a mohawk," I said dryly.
"Twilight and Andrew, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" The little fillies chorused and giggled. I sighed and nodded.
"Yes yes, we're dating... Not quite to that stage yet."
"Why not?" Asked Applebloom.
"Well trees are pretty uncomfortable-"
"No, the kissing part!" Sweetie insisted. "Why aren't you two kissing yet?"
"Well, it... Hasn't come up," I said, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Smokestack snorted and trotted back to his workbench.
"Hasn't come up? Don'tcha wanna kiss her?" Asked Scootaloo.
"And maybe other things?" Sweetie Belle asked with a blush to her cheeks. "Like, ropes and stuff?" I gaped, and then scowled.
"Sweetie Belle! What would your parents think of you saying things like that?"
"That I'm just repeating what they talk about?" Sweetie asked, blinking innocently. I stared in disbelief, as did Applebloom and Scootaloo.
Dysfunctional parenting was apparently not limited to humans...
"Fair enough...?" I shook my head. "Look, it really isn't your business what Twilight and I do or don't do."
"Yeah, it's Twilight's business what you two do," Scootaloo snickered. I scowled.
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"Means ya don't have any balls, you hairless ape," Smokestack snorted. The fillies giggled, and I scowled.
"Thanks for the observation," I said flatly. I took hold of the crate of guns and ammunition, and hefted it up. The Cutie Mark Crusaders stopped laughing.
"Hey!" They cried.
"Look, until the crisis, whatever it is, is averted, I don't think you should be running around with enough heat to overthrow a Banana Republic," I said flatly.
"Do Bananas have republics?" Sweetie Belle wondered.
"Ah thought they were anarchists!" Applebloom said.
I rolled my eyes and looked over at Smokestack. "Just keep them out of the shop for a week, all right?"
"Hmph... All right," he said. "Just try not to blow yourself up."
"I won't," I said. I sighed as I headed out the door, grunting a bit. The guns were heavy, after all. Hell, I hadn't even gone through half of the various abominations of firearms that were in here.
Including a bellows, for some strange reason...
- - - - - -
Rather than take my bounty of death to my room at Fluttershy's, I instead took the crate to Twilight's library. Down I descended into the basement/lab, and I locked them up tight in a storage locker for equipment. Pocketing the key, I nodded to myself and headed upstairs to make my report.
I had just about reached the door when the ground shook and the door slammed shut in my face. I lost my footing and slipped down off the stone walkway, slipping off and landing hard on my back on the bottom.
"GAH!"
My head hit hard enough I saw stars, and I blacked out.
I came to the image of Nurse Redheart, tutting over me. Spike was also visible in my vision, as was a concerned Pinkie Pie.
"Is he okay? Is he going to die? Did he already die and is he NOW A ZOMBIE?!" Pinkie screeched.
"N-Not a zombie!" Fluttershy gasped from somewhere above me.
"He's fine," Nurse Redheart said soothingly. "He just took a crack to the head."
"Uhhh," I said intelligently. I winced. "What happened...?"
"Well," Spike said, "it looked like you fell off the walkway and hit the floor when Cerberus appeared.
I blinked a few times. "Say... Say that again?"
"Cerberus," Spike said, "guard dog of the gates of Tartarus."
"He just got a bit lost, the poor, big puppy," Fluttershy said with a coo to her voice. Pinkie giggled.
"Yeah! Twilight took him back to make sure nothing had escaped!"
I blinked a few more times. I then sat up, slowly, my hands gripping the dirt floor underneath me.
"Tartarus... Please tell me it's some fluffy bunny dimension," I said.
Pinkie blinked. "No, it's where all the nastiest, most horrible demonic monstrosities of Equestria are kept!"
"You're joking. You must be joking," I said. "The guardian of the Hellmouth got loose, and my girlfriend ran off to take him back and make sure nothing else came out. Alone."
There was a confused silence for a moment.
"What's a Hellmouth?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"Okay," I said, rubbing my forehead. "Imagine if Tartarus was made of fire and suffering for the souls of the damned and the most evil beings in the universe. In my world, we call that Hell."
"Sounds horrible!" Nurse Redheart gasped.
"Yes, it is," I said. "And the opening to it on this plane of existence is called a Hellmouth."
"Ahhh!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. "Hellmouth!"
"And Twilight just went to one alone," I said.
"... Well, when you put it that way, then sure, it sounds terrible," Pinkie said thoughtfully, rubbing her chin. "But she didn't think it was a huge deal-"
"She's fought world ending deities! Of course she doesn't think it's a big deal!" I shouted. I staggered to my feet and over to the locker. I undid the lock and opened it up. "Spike! Get my backpack! Fluttershy! I'm going to need all the canteen holsters you can get me, and another belt!"
"Wha-What are you-?" Fluttershy asked.
"You're going after her?" Spike asked in disbelief. "Seriously, she said she'd be fine-"
"She's going to a Hellmouth alone, that never ends well!" I shouted. "Now get me my things, a map to the damn place and a means of getting there fast NOW!"
"Right-a-roony!" Pinkie Pie said with a salute. "March, everypony!"
- - - - - -
A half hour later, I emerged from the library. Across my chest I wore a makeshift bandolier, with four of the single shot pistols tied to them. At my side, tucked into a makeshift holster, was the double-shot pistol. In my backpack was stuffed the blunderbuss musket and a few other guns, and tied to my belt on the other side was a pouch for my ammo. My knife was tucked into my boot and my hand cannon was strapped to the side of my backpack, balanced out by a canteen.
With a pair of goggles on my head I must have looked like I was ready for anything.
"God this crap is heavy," I huffed as I stepped slowly.
"Maybe you don't need all of those guns?" Pinkie Pie suggested.
I stared in disbelief at her. Pinkie Pie then smiled brightly and smacked herself on the head.
"Sorry, what was I thinking? Of course you need all those guns!"
"Thank you," I said flatly. I looked around, and spotted my transportation, which Spike was finishing up prepping for me. "What's that?"
"What, are you blind? It's a hot air balloon," Spike snorted. "It's been enchanted to fly where you want it to go, no problem." He shook his head. "I still think you're overreacting, Twilight can handle herself!"
"And if Rarity had gone to a Hellmouth?" I asked flatly as I threw myself into the basket. Spike gasped and held a finger to his lips to shush me.
"Don't say it so loudly!" He hissed.
"Yeah, point made," I said with a little smirk. I looked over at Fluttershy. "Fluttershy, I can't ask you to come with me."
"Oh, it's all right," Fluttershy said cheerfully. "I wouldn't mind seeing Cerberus again."
"And I wanna go have adventures too!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, her head poking out of the basket next to me. I jumped, but I recovered quickly.
That was just kind of how Pinkie Pie was.
"All right," I said with a smile. I looked over at Spike. "Cast off, Mr. Spike!"
"Aye aye, Captain Overreaction," Spike returned with a salute, as he released the moorings to the ground.
In a few minutes we were airborne, and sailing off for the gates of Tartarus.
- - - - - -
The journey didn't last too long, about five hours. Sure, it was five hours in a tiny balloon basket with Pinkie Pie, but she took enough breaks I didn't feel like chucking her out of the balloon.
The Gates of Tartarus were apparently in the distant reaches of the Everfree Forest, at the base of a sinister-looking mountain range... Which really wasn't that big a surprise. It was where the Palace of the Two Sisters resided, after all. I myself had not seen Nightmare Moon, but hearing about her and nearly being eaten in Everfree more than a few times had definitely colored my views towards the place.
Down the balloon descended, until we were skimming the forest canopy. Fluttershy frowned as she looked down.
"I don't think we can go any lower," she said worriedly, "um, there just isn't a clear spot to set down."
"Huh!" Pinkie Pie said, rubbing her chin. "How are we going to get down then?"
"Might be easier if I just go down," I suggested. "If we're attacked, it's better you can hit the gas so you can pull me out."
"All right! Let's call it, Operation Fly Away So We Don't Get Eaten by Horrible Hellbeasts!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.
"... Very on the nose, Pinkie, good work," I said with a wry expression.
"My nose? Where?" Pinkie asked, crossing her eyes and wiggling it in a very cute way. Fluttershy quickly tossed a rope down, and I took hold of it.
"All right," I said. "If I'm not back in an hour..."
"Yes?" Pinkie Pie asked.
I looked back down, studying the tough terrain covered by massive trees stretched out below me. "Er..."
"Maybe we should just wait until you tug on the rope several times?" Fluttershy suggested timidly.
"Good idea," I said. I very carefully swung my leg over the side of the basket, looked down... And then looked back, wincing.
"We're... Still pretty high up," I said. "Maybe Fluttershy could give me a ride down?"
"Oh come on, you big baby waby!" Pinkie huffed. "You want to go down and rescue Twilight, right?"
"Well, yeah-"
"Then don't let a little thirty foot drop bother you!" Pinkie said. "Go on, for glory, for honor..." She held her hooves up dramatically. "FOR NOOKIE!"
"Wha...?" I managed intelligently. Pinkie frowned and tapped the side of her head.
"Unless Fluttershy being your mistress is actually true, in which case you're a coward AND a total jerk!" Pinkie said cheerfully. Fluttershy blushed bright red and shook.
"Wh-Wh-What?! We're not-I didn't-I like him a lot, b-but I wouldn't...! Well maybe a little, I-!"
"Right! Going! Good bye!" I said, climbing down that rope as quickly as I could go. The weight of my weapons didn't feel quite as bad compared to the awkwardness up above.
- - - - - -
I winced and shook my hands into the air. Damn, next time I wear gloves.
I turned and headed for the mountain face, stumbling a bit over some roots and rocks before I found my balance again. I was reflecting that maybe the massive arsenal on my back was not the best choice. Hell, I didn't even know how well my weapons would work against demons and hell beasts.
I just had to hope they were made of flesh, or something like flesh. Maybe bullets would hurt them. Or at least annoy them...
I made it out of the trees, and the entrance to the Hellmouth was fairly obvious-A huge, dark cave that opened up like the maw of some infernal monster trying to swallow up anything that got close to it.
"Helpful, helpful," I muttered. I look around for tracks, but because the surrounding ground was solid rock there wasn't anything to indicate if Twilight and Cerberus were in there.
Maybe it would be better to wait at the mouth. Twilight would come with Cerberus (and it's not like it'd be hard to miss him, right?), I'd hug her happily, then ask where the hell she got off running to a Hellmouth alone.
Okay, she was a kickass unicorn but goddamnit, it's a Hellmouth!
A roar came from deep within the cave, and the accompanying wind wasn't pleasant. I felt magic in the air... A similar sensation to when Twilight was wielding her powers.
My thinking ended. I yanked two pistols out of my makeshift bandoleer, cocked them and ran inside.
Strangely enough, it didn't get any darker the deeper I ran into the caves. The ambient glow from the run kept reaching down, down and down, guiding my path. I ran for a good long while, always deeper, always on smooth stone that dipped gently like a carved ramp. There were no twists and turns.
Finally, I saw a red light up ahead, and I sped up as much as I could. The tunnel was ending, and I could dimly see a larger room ahead.
"Haa... Haa... Haa..." I had to slow down to a walk though, because the heavy load I was bearing was wearing on me heavily. Slowly, I trudged to the entrance, and took a few deep breaths as I looked around.
Well... If you wanted an entrance to hell, the chamber I stood at the foot at was perfect. Carved into the living rock of the mountain's heart itself stood doors as tall as buildings, white as bone. The arches over the door were great spiky pillars, like something out of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. There were two brass knockers on the doors, held by carved faces of some terrible monstrosity I can scarcely describe. Something with four eyes, and big sharp teeth.
I entered this chamber, gatehouse to the underworld, smelling something unholy in the air. I looked around in the dust before me, and saw tracks. Recent tracks. Something big had passed around here... And here and there were smaller hoof prints. My blood ran cold as I looked up at the massive doors.
"Damnit Twilight," I cursed. I ran across the great chamber, kicking up dust behind me. I crossed the huge floor, and made it to the doors. I stared up at them, panting in frustration and panic as I tried to think up a way to open them.
"Come on, come on," I muttered. "There's gotta be a way to open these up... There's gotta..." I shook my head and looked at the faces of the brass rings. "Uh... Open Sesame?"
There was silence for a moment, and then a great, loud creaking sound that rattled my bones. The gates of Tartarus slowly opened, the source of the red glow becoming obvious as the light of flames shown through. I took several deep breaths, trying to ignore the smell.
"Okay... Okay... Okay..." I closed my eyes, took a few more deep breaths, and opened them again. "Don't worry Twilight," I muttered, holding my pistols up. "I'm coming to rescue you."
The doors then opened, all the way, and I was thrown off my feet onto my back. I yelped and groaned, and looked up. Standing in the gates was a huge, deformed monster, standing three times my height. At either side of it's head was a cruel, twisted horn. It's eyes glowed like coals stuck into a jagged, marble head. It's chin had what I first thought was a beard, but was actually another horn. It's feet were cloven hooves, and it had ten pairs of legs, and it's arms were huge, ripping claws.
It let out a roar as it reared up on it's tail, and snapped it's claws. I gulped.
"I might be delayed a little first..."
Or at least, that's what I would have said if I was a witty action hero. What I actually said was:
"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUU-!"
And I'll let you guess how I finished that.
- - - - - - -
Well, I've got a human fighting a minotaur centipede hell beast with 18th century level weapons technology created by three school aged ponies. Hopefully this doesn't make you drop the story until I've had a chance to bring Twilight Sparkle back into it.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Now, it would be nice if I could tell you that what followed was an epic, dramatic battle of the ages. That I pitted my human cunning and ingenuity against the horrible fiend and I triumphed. Well, you'd be half right.
But the cunning and ingenuity part...
"AAAAAAHHHH!"
Well, it was more like how Reb Brown would react in any given movie.
I guess I caught the thing by surprise when I let loose with both barrels as it charged me. It reared back, roaring in agony and filling my ears with a ringing. I didn't give it a chance to do anything else though, as I dropped the spent pistols, yanked out the next pair, and fired them both into the monster as well.
"AAAAAAHHHHH!"
And the next pair, which I yanked out from the backpack and fired as well into the thing's gut. Holes exploded from it's mid section and it bellowed in agony, it's eyes glowing bright red.
"AAAAAAHHHHH!"
The double flintlock I pulled next, pointing it in it's face and firing. It's jaw was blown off, as was it's beard. I yanked the blunderbuss out next and fired it too, and those horrible eyes exploded into gore. It's bellows of agony became screams.
"AAAAAHHHHHH!"
I yanked out what appeared to be a double barreled sawed off shotgun with hearts decorating the butt. As with the rest of the weapons I'd fired off, I just pointed it at the monster and fired. The thing's mid section exploded, and it hung off like a puppet with it's strings cut.
"AAAAAHHHHH!"
My hand cannon I fired next, and this knocked me off my feet. The shell though managed to hit the top half of the demon, blowing it away. But given I was still screaming, my panic would not let me stop firing until the thing was dead, dead, dead!
It was kind of like overreacting to a spider, and you had access to a small arsenal. And you didn't care if you were going to destroy the house because fuck spiders.
"AAAAAHHHHH!" Finally, I yanked out the bellows and worked it, opening and closing it. Every time I did so, flames burst out of the nozzle and covered the shrieking demon. The mangled horror turned and ran off back into the gates to Tartarus, screaming all the way. I, however, kept screaming as I reloaded my guns and kept firing after it.
"AAAAAHHHHH!"
"Hey, hey, HEY!" Shouted a familiar voice. I nearly dropped my reloaded double flintlock and looked over, wild eyed and covered in sweat, as Twilight Sparkle stood there. She held up her hoof and waved it slowly up and down.
"I think you got him," she said, quite reasonably.
"Ah... R-Right," I gasped, taking deep breaths. I sat down, huffing for breath, staring down at the ground. I felt her nuzzle me comfortingly, and her hoof rub between my shoulders.
"You're all right?" She asked, nuzzling my cheek. I nodded.
"Y-Yeah... You?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" She asked kindly. I scowled.
"Well... Gee... You were going to the gates of Tartarus alone."
Twilight laughed softly, and nuzzled me again. "I can take care of myself," she said. "You really shouldn't worry so much." She then turned my head and kissed me.
"Mm...?" I mumbled as she deepened it... Really deepened it... And her hoof went-
"Mwah!" I broke it and held up my hands. "W-Woah, woah... I thought we were taking it slow? You know, schedule?"
"Schedule?" She asked, laughing softly. "Who needs a schedule? You just drove off Minopodis. Any day you drive off a lesser demon calls for... A reward." Her eyes became soft and seductive. I scooted away a little, though my hands rested on her shoulders all the same.
"Well... Um... It would be a little awkward with you in pony form," I admitted. She hummed, and then changed. She stretched, she expanded, and she grew until the naked human Twilight of my dreams was cuddling up against me.
"This better?" She asked in a sultry tone. I blinked rapidly. Something was wrong, very wrong... And it wasn't just that Twilight wanted to make out in front of the Gate to Hell.
Though that was a big part of it.
"Are... Are you feeling all right?" I asked, holding a hand to her forehead. "Maybe you should-MMPH!"
She jumped me, and kissed me deeply. And... Yeah, I responded back eagerly... For a bit... Oh yeah, like you'd be able to do better, St. Augustine.
"Ahh... Ohh... N-No, no! Stop it," I laughed a little, pushing away. "This, this isn't exactly the place for this." I got up, and she stood up with me. She blinked innocently.
"You mean Hell isn't the place for pleasure?" She asked.
"Well it's mainly for suffering and..." I looked at her strangely. "How do you know that word?"
"You told me," she said.
"No, I-I'm pretty sure I didn't..."
"Beloved, you're thinking too much," Twilight purred, running her hands over my sweaty arms. I looked up at her eyes, so inviting...
"Yeah Twilight, but... You're usually not this open..." I pulled back on the hammer of my flintlock. "And you usually say my name at least once by this point."
"ANDREW!" Called another voice from the tunnel leading to the surface. I looked over and saw Twilight Sparkle, in pony form... With a giant three headed monster dog behind her. I turned by eyes back to the other Twilight, my gun rising up...
Only to see myself, pointing a gun at my heart in turn.
"Twilight!" The imposter cried. "Thank goodness you've come!"
"Yeah," I growled, as Twilight and the giant dog looked between us both in confusion. "Thank goodness."
Damnit...
- - - - - -
"What are you doing here?" Twilight asked, looking between myself and the imposter.
"I came to rescue you," my imposter said.
"I didn't need rescuing!" Twilight protested. I scowled.
"Maybe not but you were running off to a Hellmouth, alone!"
"I had Cerberus with me! I think I'm fine!" Twilight said indignantly. The gigantic, three headed dog growled low in it's throats, making the ground rumble slightly.
"You still could have told me!" I shouted.
"I couldn't find you! And there wasn't time!" Twilight said. "It was much easier and faster to go on my own!"
"But I was worried about you!" The imposter said earnestly.
"Yes, I was," I said flatly, glaring at him. "Now drop the gun and go back to Hell!"
"You first, demon!" Hissed my duplicate. He took a step to the right, and I mirrored him by taking a step to the left. Both of us kept our guns pointed at the other as we circled around.
"I'm not the demon, you are!" I growled.
"Not from where I'm standing, pal!"
"You just tried to seduce me in her form!" I shouted, pointing my free hand to Twilight. The purple unicorn blushed as my imposter glanced over at her.
"I didn't do anything, I swear," he said. He paused and shrugged. "Well I did make out with her a little."
"YOU...!" At Twilight's shocked expression, I coughed. "Okay, yeah! I did! I thought it was you! And you were all naked, and articulate-"
"Okay okay! Hold on, everypony, this isn't getting us anywhere," Twilight said authoritatively, her cheeks burning bright red. She looked up at Cerberus. "Cerberus, can you smell them apart?"
The big dog shook it's three heads, a really weird thing to watch. I groaned.
"Some guard dog of the underworld," I said. My imposter snorted.
"Tell me about it," he muttered.
"HEY! He just-He's the imposter, blast him!" I shouted.
"No, blast him!" The imposter shouted back.
Cerberus rumbled, as Twilight looked back and forth between us. "Okay, okay... I need more information. Tell me everything you know about the demon's capabilities!"
"The imposter knew how to take your form and a sexy human form, but it didn't know my name until you yelled it!" I shouted quickly before the imposter could speak. He looked pretty miffed. Though I'd be wearing the same expression.
"Or you were just pretending that you didn't know my name because you knew Twilight was coming down!" My imposter accused.
"That doesn't make any sense!" I shouted back. "If you knew she was coming, why did you try to seduce me in her form?"
"Maybe you're just a really stupid demon," my imposter taunted.
"No, you're the stupid demon!" I shouted back.
"Okay, enough!" Twilight shouted, her horn glowing ominously. She trotted up close, circling around us. She nodded, as though finding something to her satisfaction as Cerberus growled and stomped his paws.
"Okay... There's only one way to really settle this," Twilight said. She stepped around and stood in front of us. She blushed. "Tell me something that the real Andrew would know."
"I love you," the imposter said. I stared in disbelief at him, and then looked to Twilight who was blushing.
"That's not what I was asking," Twilight said.
"There! See! He's the imposter!" I said angrily.
"Oh, so you don't love her?" Asked the imposter smugly.
"I didn't say that!" I replied.
"You do have a bad habit of bringing up your emotions in stressful situations," Twilight said, looking to me. I scowled.
"Stressful? Standing at the mouth of hell when my girlfriend has to choose between me and a demon posing as me? What's stressful about that? " I waved my hands around. "And you're not even doing a good job of it! You're using emotional blackmail!"
"What? I can't tell my girlfriend how I feel?" He asked, holding his arms akimbo.
"No, not like that!" I growled.
"Quick! Fire!" Twilight said to me. The imposter blinked.
"Wait, wha-?"
I raised my gun and pulled the trigger.
BANG!
My imposter yelped, and fell back as it reverted into what looked like the pony version of Morrigan from Darkstalkers. She snarled at us both.
"You... You will suffer all the ravages of hell for-!"
Cerberus snarled, and the succubus slowly looked to her right at the hulking form of the gigantic, three headed dog.
"Oh buck," she muttered, just before the monster's massive jaws snapped her up and threw her back through the gates of Tartarus. "AAAAHHHHH!"
The massive guard dog lumbered off, roaring to send the doors slamming shut. He then turned in a circle, settled down and put his heads on his paws for a nap.
I slowly looked over at Twilight.
"How...?"
"Well... She wasn't very good," Twilight said softly.
"No, I suppose not," I said, sitting down on the ground and sighing. She trotted up and nuzzled the side of my head, an action I reciprocated.
We sat there in silence for a while. I then opened my mouth, but she cut me off.
"Now, we really should be getting back to Ponyville," she said quickly. "We might have sealed up the gates and gotten Cerberus back to where he's supposed to be, but it's not Tuesday yet!"
"Yeah, but..."
"But?" She asked, raising her eyebrows. I made some motions with my hands.
"The whole... Emotions... Imposter... Talking thing?" I managed.
Twilight huffed. "Andrew! We may be facing a massive disaster! Let's leave the personal stuff to the schedule, all right?"
"All right, fair enough," I said, blowing out a breath. I wasn't sure if I was relieved, or frustrated.
Maybe a little of both.
… Not like that!
- - - - - -
A day later, I was out in the woods with Fluttershy, the flame throwing bellows over my shoulder. I looked around and sniffed the air.
"So... What are we looking for, exactly?" I asked.
"Oh, these horrible Mata Hemlock plants," Fluttershy said. "They blow in from the Everfree Forest and entice animals to eat them, just so they can poison them."
"Entice them?" I asked, frowning. "How?"
Fluttershy raised her hoof and rested it on my shoulder. She pointed over a nearby rise at a large, bright red plant. It was swaying gently, under it's own power, like some kind of exotic dancer. I sniffed the air-There was a scent carrying on the wind, something... Wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, my cheeks burned red.
And I noticed a few... Ahem... Other things.
Fluttershy trembled next to me, licking her lips. "It... It's very, um... Distracting," she said. "Animals are tricked into eating it because it makes them feel..."
"Good," I nodded in understanding. I pulled a bandanna I'd wrapped around my head off, and tied it around my mouth and nose instead. "Yeah, I'm getting that..."
"Very warm, too," she said, trembling. "But if you eat it, or touch it..."
"It's not good," I said. My eyes narrowed, and I slowly approached it. "It's insidious..." I looked over at her. "You okay? Sure you shouldn't cover your mouth?"
"Oh no, I-I'm fine," Fluttershy said with a little smile. "I'm uh... Used to it," she said softly. I shrugged, and pulled the bellows off my shoulder. I opened it up, and pointed the nozzle at the flower.
"Stand... Hover back a little," I told her. The pegasus nodded, and fluttered a few feet away. I shut the bellows, and a gout of flame burst from it and covered the Mata Hemlock. It actually screamed as it burned, as though to make me feel guilty for it's death.
But the body of a little bunny behind it made it pass pretty quickly. Fluttershy gasped, and flew over as soon as the flames died down enough. She took the poor creature in her hooves and bowed her head.
"I'm sorry, little one," she said softly. She looked at me. "I need to find his family, will you be all right?"
I nodded. "Sure..." She flew off, and I continued my search through the forest for the Mata Hemlocks. I found a couple of them, swaying enticingly on a hill top. A deer was sniffing them curiously, and I scowled.
"Hey! You! Beat it!" I shouted. "They're poison!"
The deer stared at me. I grumbled and stalked up to him, waving my hands around.
"Come on, beat it you stupid deer! Don't you know they're poisonous?"
The deer sniffed. "Of course I do," it replied in what sounded like a British accent. "Don't you have any manners, you ignorant ape?"
"... Sorry," I said. "I was under the impression you were-"
"Going to eat them? Hardly, you tailless monkey," he continued, snorting and looking down his nose at me. I scowled back.
"Hey pal, I'm doing a job here! And it's human, not monkey," I said, pointed my finger in his face. "Get it right!"
The buck huffed, and turned around. He flicked his tail at me, which I took to be an insult, and smirked over his shoulder.
"I got what I came for... And my lady will appreciate it." He waggled his eyebrows and leered. "Too bad you can't say the same, ape!"
I unfortunately got a good look at his... Reaction, and grimaced.
"Hey! Fuck you pal!" I shouted, shaking my fist. The deer blinked.
"Fuck...? What does that mean?"
"It means get the hell out before I fry you along with the Viagra plants here!" I said with a growl. I held up my bellows meaningfully, and the deer sniffed.
"What an appalling camping trip this has been," he huffed, before bounding off gracefully. I sighed and shook my head, holding up the bellows.
"Tourists," I muttered, blasting the flowers with flames. "Just run in, sniff the flowers to get a boner and off they go to plow their girlfriend and they have to be such bastards about it..."
I sighed. I looked out at Ponyville from the top of the hill, stretching across the valley. The elegant city hall, the colorful houses, the beautiful Apple Acres...
I turned away and closed my eyes. I looked back. Yep, still the same Ponyville.
Without a human being or human structure in sight.
Fluttershy flew up, looking solemn. I looked up at her.
"Hey... Um..." There's no good way to ask how a family took a loved one being lost. "Are they...?"
"It's very sad," she said softly. "They asked me to leave so they could be alone with him."
I nodded. "Yeah... I can understand that." I looked out back at Ponyville, and then to Fluttershy who was still rubbing her hooves together, looking at the ground. I bit back a sigh and walked up to her. She looked up at me and I hugged her tightly.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. Fluttershy hugged me back, and rested her chin on my shoulder. We stood there for a while in silence, just me rubbing her back as she softly cried.
Frankly, this was turning into a real bummer of a day. Even with a flamethrower.
But it was about to get worse.
"Um... Andrew," Fluttershy said, pulling back a little to look me in the eyes. I looked back.
"Yes?"
She then moved her head forward and pressed her lips to mine.
Admittedly, it was kind of awkward. She was a pony, I was a human... But intimate contact like this was nice. And she wasn't a soul eating succubus, which was even better.
It only lasted a minute though and we both pushed away.
"Uh... Um... Er..." Fluttershy stuttered. "I-I-I have to... To...!" She flew off, fast. I watched her go, jaw hanging down.
I then shook my head clear and held a hand to my head.
"All I need now would be Twilight seeing that, and my day is complete," I groaned.
There was a roar behind me. I turned, looked... And sighed as I saw my old friend the manticore snarling at me.
"Or a monster attack," I grumbled as I turned and fueled up the bellows. "REALLY not in the mood for this!"
The manticore charged anyway.
"FINE! HAVE IT YOUR WAY!" I roared as I let off a blast of flame into the monster’s face. The manticore roared, covering its face with one paw while swinging for me with the other. I tried to dodge, but I got hit by the edge of its huge paw and I heard my shoulder pop.
“Gah!” I growled and pulled the bellows open again. The manticore though saw it through its ash-covered face, and turned tail. The manticore ran off, whimpering as his whiskers were still smoking. I snorted and rolled my shoulder.
"Yeah! Smart idea! Trying to eat a guy with a flamethrower!" I shouted after him. "Maybe next time you'll try eating the guy with a gun in a bad mood! Oh wait, you already did that!"
I sighed and grimaced as a sharp stab of pain went through my shoulder. I winced and rolled it again, before hissing.
"Ohh... God, ow, ow..." I sat down and grimaced. "Damn, damn that hurts..."
"Oh my, are you all right?" Fluttershy asked. I looked over at her as she hovered next to me, a hoof over her mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" She pressed her hooves onto my jacket and tugged. "Let me look at it."
"No, no, it's really fine," I said quickly.
"You're hurt, let me help!" She said. I tried pulling away.
"Look, this is already awkward enough-"
"Let. Me. Help," Fluttershy said firmly, her blue eyes boring into mine as her mouth was set in a determined frown. I stared back, and very slowly nodded.
"Okay," I managed in a less than manly tone. Fluttershy nodded and pulled my jacket off. I got my shirt off with her help, too, and she pressed her hooves into my shoulder, examining it closely. I couldn't help a hot blush of embarrassment.
I mean, how would you feel if some girl you'd just kissed who wasn't your girlfriend feeling up your shoulder with your shirt off? Okay, sure, she was a pegasus but still.
"Oh my, I think your shoulder is dislocated," Fluttershy said. "I am so, so sorry I left you alone with the Manticore, I really am!"
"It's... It's fine," I said. "I mean, it was... Kind of awkward..." I groaned. "Okay, very awkward."
The butter yellow pegasus bowed her head and blushed adorably. "Um... I-I'm not good at... Er... Talking about this sort of thing..."
"Well clearly I'm not either," I said. I shook my head. "Look, we were both breathing in the Mata Hemlock, we were both stressed out... Let's just forget about it."
"F-Forget it?" Fluttershy asked. I tried looked at her, but my eyes kept drifting to her shoulder.
"Well... Um... It's no big deal, right?" I said. "Right?" I gave her a warm, friendly smile. "We were just... Heated, that's all."
"Oh, I'd still feel awful about not talking about it with her," Fluttershy said softly. She looked at me intently. "Wouldn't you?"
I frowned. "Well..."
She flapped her wings and thrust forward, pushing on my shoulder hard.
CRACK!
My eyes crossed.
"AAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!"
"S-Sorry! Sorry!" Fluttershy cried. "I didn't think I'd do it that hard, I'm sorry!"
"GYAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"SORRY!"
"I DON'T NEED YOU YELLING IT! AAAAAHHHHH!"
- - - - - -
We headed to the library, me rubbing my shoulder gingerly while Fluttershy kept her hooves over her mouth.
"Sorry, so sorry," she repeated. "I'll do anything to make up for this, anything!"
Certain thoughts leaped to mind at that... Oh come on, like they wouldn't for you. But I shook them off and hissed.
"Look," I said, "let's just... Relax, all right? Relax... We'll tell Twilight what happened, explain we're just friends. Really." I nodded to her. She nodded back, blushing heavily.
"Right..."
I sighed and turned to the door. I knocked on it. Right, telling your girlfriend you made out with another woman, this has fun time written all over it.
The door burst open, and a frantic looking Twilight came out. "Andrew!" She cried, pouncing on me. Her hooves drove into my shoulders... And my eyes crossed.
"It's absolutely horribl-"
"GYAAAAHHHH!"
"I know! I know it is!"
- - - - - -
My God, what have I done? I’ve introduced a bunny death and drama into this comedy. Well, I’ll leave it up to you to determine if it’s successful.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
"So, the cut on your cheek is another sign," I repeated Twilight as Nurse Redheart looked my shoulder over. I'd had to put up with her tut-tutting but at least she wasn't being sarcastic. Even while on a housecall. She was the picture of a professional.
"You know, for a species that relies so heavily on it's hands, you sure enjoy putting them at severe risk," Redheart muttered flatly.
Very professional.
Twilight Sparkle nodded. "Exactly! You saw my future self." She got up close and lifted her face so I could see her cheek. And there it was, the cut on her cheek.
"Yeah, but, well, it's just one sign," I said reasonably. "Maybe the others won't come truuuuaaaHHHHH!"
"There," Nurse Redheart said in satisfaction. She nodded and smiled. "Take it easy..." She glared. "Or else."
"Yes ma'am," I said. She nodded and turned to Fluttershy.
"Please make sure he takes it easy," she told her. She looked at Twilight briefly, who was flipping through a book with frantic turns of the pages, and lowered her voice. "And her too..."
"I'm fine," Twilight emphasized. "What's not fine is Ponyville! We've only got a few days left to figure out what's going to happen and prevent it!"
"Well yeah," I said as Redheart left the library, "but then you'd end up with a paradox."
"Um, a what?" Asked Fluttershy.
"Paradox! A temporal paradox. Like, um..." Twilight turned to Fluttershy and nodded. "All right. Let's say you went backwards in time and killed your own grandmother."
Fluttershy gasped. "Th-That's terrible! I'd never do that! Poor Gram, I'd never-What kind of horrible pony would I be-"
"You wouldn't actually do it, it's just an example!" Twilight said. "You'd never be born to actually do the deed!"
"... So... What happens?" Fluttershy asked.
"Nobody's really sure," I explained. "The universe might blow up, or Time Bats might eat you..." I waved my hands around. "Causality is a bitch you don't want to piss off."
"That's Tourbillon's view of time travel, yes," Twilight said. "But there's also Fausses Côtes' theory of time as a..." She pulled out what I assumed was the requisite book and skimmed it, "'big wibbly wobbly ball of timey-wimey stuff.'"
I couldn't help a little laugh. Fluttershy and Twilight both looked at me and I shook my head.
"Ah, no, no, continue."
"The basic idea is that time is fluid, and it's possible to change it's direction," Twilight said. She shut the book, determined. "And I have to believe that's possible! Otherwise, Ponyville is doomed!"
"Well Twilight," I said, rubbing my shoulder, "there is the fact your future self didn't actually say anything about that."
"No, but what else could my appearance mean?" Twilight asked. "I mean, I looked haggard! I looked desperate! I looked..." She shook her head. "No, we've got to save Ponyville! Nothing else is as important right now!"
Fluttershy and I shared a look. I coughed. Fluttershy awkwardly kicked the floor with her hoof.
"Uh, well-"
"Nothing," Twilight emphasized. She rested her hooves on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes, so desperate and fearful but determined. "Please Andrew, I need to know I can count on you."
I wrapped my arms around her and hugged my girlfriend close. I nodded.
"You can. Don't worry," I said. She sighed in relief and hugged me back tightly. I looked over her shoulder at Fluttershy, who looked herself a bit nervous. Still, she nodded to me in silent agreement and I returned the expression.
Spike walked in, tossing spoon fulls of ice cream into his mouth right from the container. I blinked.
"Spike? What's your deal?"
"Well, if we're going to break time, then to Tartarus with causality!" He gulped down another spoon full and grinned.
"And if we can't change the future?" I asked dryly. Spike shrugged.
"Future Spike's problem..."
- - - - - -
So, I was a tiny bit concerned for Twilight. Okay, very concerned. And given Nurse Redheart's orders, it was only natural for me to stay with her for the night. Fluttershy politely departed, and we shared another extremely awkward look that... Well frankly, anyone could have misconstrued. Or construed, if they concluded we'd had an awkward and potentially romantic moment.
Fortunately, Twilight was too involved in saving Ponyville to notice. And Spike was too engrossed in ice cream.
I kept Twilight company well into the night, helping her get books to read for research into time travel and potential threats that might face Ponyville. Frankly, it was a little mind boggling all the horrors that had been recorded, theorized or speculated upon, ranging from alien invasion to a minor deity wresting control of a stellar body and dropping it onto the planet.
It reminded me of a Larry Niven story, part of his The Magic Goes Away series.
"See, magic is a non renewable energy source," I explained, "that comes from the sun via solar wind. But a god has been blocking it so magic's been vanishing. But a group of wizards find another god who is willing to drop the moon onto Earth in order to bring back magic, which the wizards are happy about..."
"Until they learn just how big the moon is, right?" Twilight finished thoughtfully. I smiled and nodded.
"Yeah, that was a pretty definitive 'oh crap' moment..." I yawned and looked over at the clock. I looked back at Twilight.
"We really should get to bed," I said.
Twilight shook her head, summoning a few more books to read through. "There's gotta be something, something that can give us a clue or an idea...!"
I reached over and yanked the book away, grimacing as her telekinetic power held it firm. "Twilight, we've been at it for hours! We need to sleep!"
"Nngh...! You can go to sleep, I'm going to keep at it!" Twilight grunted, yanking the book right out of my hands. She shook her head at me and reopened it, skimming the pages. "We can't waste a minute! Ponyville is counting on us!"
I sighed. This was potentially dangerous... But...
"Then you leave me no choice," I said gravely. I dashed across the room, slid behind her, and brought my hands down on her back.
"Eep!" She dropped the book as I dug my fingers in deep. "Ah! A-Andrew, don't...!"
"You are as stiff as iron," I grunted as I gave the massage my all, kneading the knots out of her muscles. "You can't save Ponyville like this."
"Ahh... N-No, don't," Twilight groaned, throwing her head back and trembling. "You-You can't, ahhh...!"
"I can, and I will," grimly I continued my task, working behind her neck, then back down over her sides. I tickled her stomach a bit and she giggled.
"Ahahaha! N-No, stop, stop!"
"Give in," I said, my fingers ruthlessly dancing over her belly. She laughed aloud and shook her head.
"N-No! Heheheheh! St-Stop it, ahahahaha-O-Okay! Okay! I give!"
I moved my hands away from her stomach, but I continued a lighter massage on her back just to keep her from getting any ideas. She moaned throatily, a somewhat disturbing development, and looked over her shoulders at me with a blush.
"Um... So... You'll sleep with me?" She asked.
"Uh... Yes, definitely," I said, assuming the best possible interpretation of that. I gave her a wry smile. "I'm not sleeping on the floor."
"Good," Twilight said with a nod. "Um... There is an experiment I've been meaning to try, but uh... It's going to throw off the whole schedule."
"What is it?" I asked.
"It's to see how well I can maintain a spell in my sleep," she said softly. "And to see how it effects my sleep. And it might make you more comfortable..." She looked up into my eyes. "Would that be okay with you?"
"Of course," I said with a smile.
Anything to help her get some rest.
- - - - - -
Some time later, I was staring up at the ceiling, rigid as a board as a mostly human, very naked Twilight Sparkle cuddled up to me and snored softly.
"Mmm... Twenty-one point one gigawatts," she mumbled as she drooled on my shoulder, and the... Ahem... Softer parts of her anatomy pressed against my side.
I sighed and closed my eyes tightly.
"Anything to make her relax, anything to make her relax..."
Though naturally, it didn't do much for me...
- - - - - - -
I managed to catch a little sleep, caught between comfort and awkwardness. My dreams were quite pleasant, actually. Though really not the kind you'd share, see? Wouldn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
Like me. Anyway, I woke up first with a condition many a man has at the start of the day. Particularly in my case given how much stress I'd been under.
"Need to pee," I mumbled as I slowly pulled myself away from Twilight. She hummed and mumbled in her sleep, nuzzling against her pillow.
I made my way to her bathroom, which, while smaller than what I was used to was at least functional. I did my business, and then left, rubbing the back of my neck. I could smell coffee on the air, and I made my way into the kitchen.
"Spike?" I said.
"Well, you guys weren't too noisy despite everything," Spike said with a little smirk. I scowled back.
"You're a bundle of laughs, Barney Jr," I said, pouring myself some coffee. I dumped milk and sugar in abundant quantities into it. Spike rolled his eyes.
"You know, making cultural references to your world that we don't know is really mature."
"It's more a matter of habit," I said, waiting for Spike to hold up a cup of apple juice up to mouth, "like your tail stiffening up around Rarity."
Spike didn't spew the juice out of his mouth, but he did choke and cough satisfyingly. He shot me an angry glare as I smiled back serenely.
"No worse than you stiffening up around Twilight..." He grinned, "and Fluttershy."
I very slowly lowered my mug. "Nothing happened."
"You two don't look like nothing happened," Spike said darkly.
"That's because nothing happened," I emphasized.
"Good." The baby dragon leaned forward and locked a deadly glare on me. "Look, Twilight can drive me crazy, but if you break her heart I'll burn you to ashes," Spike growled.
I met his stare evenly, and lifted my mug back to my lips. I sipped it, my eyes never leaving his.
"Understood," I said, very calmly.
"Good," Spike said. He grinned and took out another ice cream container, opening it and digging in. I dug into my own breakfast, feeling more than a little perturbed.
Twilight soon came down, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes... With hands.
"Ah! Twilight! You're... Still in human form, I see," I said, my eyes trying not to stay above her chest. Well, above her waist.
... Shut up.
"Well, I have to admit, while it's very different, it's kind of... nice," She said with a smile. She stretched her arms up overhead, and then down between her legs. "It's fascinating! Your form says so much about you! How you walk, how you talk, how you communicate with your body language..."
Yes, her body language was definitely saying quite a few things to me. I looked aside, coughing.
"Uh..."
"Mm? Something wrong?" Twilight asked. She walked up to the table and sat down, digging into her bowl of hot oats.
"Er... Well..."
"I mean, I know you wear clothes all the time but I find this more comfortable," she continued conversationally. "And these hands are very useful!" She grinned and held up bowls and cups with both her hands and telekinesis. "I've got the best of both worlds!"
"Definitely," I said, my eyes once again dipping down.
"You're not going to go around like that all the time, are you?" Spike said with a knowing grin at me.
"Of course not, I'm a pony through and through," Twilight sniffed. "But my magical abilities do allow me to take advantage of different forms, so..." And she eyed me with a little smile. "I might try it out from time to time."
"Ah... Aha... Great," I said with a tight smile. I shot a glare at Spike, who looked innocent.
"But! That's all beside the point," Twilight said. "I've been doing some thinking about the disaster that's coming on Tuesday. I think there's only one possibility left of a disaster."
"What?" I asked.
"Future Twilight told me to not do something," she said. "Maybe if I don't do anything, then nothing will happen!"
"Sounds like a great plan to me!" Spike said with a grin, and another gulp of ice cream.
"All right," I said with a nod. "Just stay around here for the next few days, nothing bad happens. I like this, it's very logical."
"Unfortunately, I still don't know what that thing is," she said with a scowl.
"So, what will you do?" I asked.
She smiled. "Absolutely, positively nothing." She stood up and came back down onto all fours. "I just have to stay like this until Tuesday, and nothing bad can happen!" She frowned again.
"Unless me turning into a human is what I did to cause the disaster!"
"How could turning into a human bring about the disaster?" I asked.
"Considering how big a trouble magnet you are, it seems perfectly logical to me," Spike snarked. I glared at him.
"Not funny."
- - - - - -
Perhaps leaving Twilight to sit around motionless in her own home wasn't the best idea, but she was running low on some groceries and Spike could be trusted to look after her. Besides, it was a lot less... Distracting out here in the sunshine at the marketplace.
It's actually kind of amazing how much of the technology and architecture the ponies have is similar to our own, not to mention the plantlife. I mean, they had everything we have as far as I could tell, though plenty of variations-They had normal bananas as well as ones in blue, red, even a black variety that tasted a little like licorice. They had flowers I could readily identify as something like daisies and roses but others I hadn't the slightest clue about.
Though in fairness, nature on Earth can get pretty damn creative so maybe what was exotic to me was just something else shared with Equestria.
One thing I was thankful for was the fact this world had... Yes...
"Peaches!" I said with a grin. I looked up at the merchant. "How much?"
"Four bits a peach," he said in a business-like tone. I scowled.
"Four bits? They were one bit a peach last week!"
"Last week Applanta didn't have a frost, four bits," he said gruffly. I checked my money bag. I grimaced.
"Look, why don't we do some bargaining?" I asked. "Two bits a peach. I'll buy a lot."
"And I'll have less, supply and demand, four bits!" The merchant said flatly.
"Excuse me," said Fluttershy. "Is there a problem?"
The merchant turned a wary eye on Fluttershy. "Uh... No, Miss Fluttershy," he said. Fluttershy smiled pleasantly.
"Maybe you should take the two bits offer. It can't be that big a loss, can it?" She suggested. "I mean, to keep Andrew coming."
I stared over at Fluttershy, and then over at the merchant. I shrugged, trying to appear neutral. "If you'd like my continued patronage, that is."
"Certainly," the merchant said, now much more agreeable. I got myself a nice bunch of peaches, and he made a nice pile of coins. We were soon walking the marketplace, more than a little awkwardly.
"Not that I'm ungrateful, but uh," I began. Fluttershy coughed and looked aside.
"Sorry... He was um... Kind of rude to me before Iron Will, and all that," she said.
"And after?" I asked. Fluttershy blushed.
"I um... I apologized after, but... Er..."
"Say no more," I said, raising a hand. "Frankly, you can be very, very intimidating."
"Oh... Um... Thank you, I guess," she said. "So, uh... Did you tell her?"
"What?" I asked, stopping. "What do you mean, 'did I tell her?' Of course I didn't! We agreed, right?"
"Agreed? We didn't agree," Fluttershy said. "We didn't talk at all-"
"I mean, when I nodded at you when I was hugging her, I was telling you that 'maybe it'd be better if we didn't tell her right now given her state'," I said. Fluttershy blinked.
"You said all that? Oh my, I didn't miss anything... Was it an alien signal? Are you telepathic? Are you-"
"No! No, I just assumed that we could just... Uh..." Oh boy. Judging from the look she was developing... Okay, think fast alien boy.
"What?" Fluttershy asked.
"... Not talk to her about it at all," I said. "I mean... You don't want to hurt her feelings, neither do I."
"No," Fluttershy said, "but concealing it from her would make me feel simply awful."
"It was just a...!" I looked around at the ponies walking around nearby, and lowered my voice. "It was just a kiss, no big deal."
"Just a... No big...?" Fluttershy asked, lip trembling. I held up my hands.
"I-I mean, we didn't... There are levels to, to this sort of thing, and..."
She had tears at the corners of her eyes. I shook my head rapidly.
Bail out Andrew! Bail out!
"I mean, what I mean is... Is...! I like you a lot, but we're... Uh..."
"I-I can't talk anymore," Fluttershy sniffled. "I'm sorry!" She flew off rapidly.
"Fluttershy, wait!" I called after her. "I didn't mean...!" I groaned, and hit the side of my head. "Great..."
Just great...
I took out a peach and took a bite. I grimaced.
And these aren't very good...
- - - - - -
Behold, Andrew Shepherd: First human being to meet aliens and then make them cry.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
I actually once tried to figure out if there was any discernible difference in the gravity between Earth and Equestria. Turns out there isn't. That doesn't mean the planet can't be bigger than Earth, but it's got the same mass and same day length.
Just providing as much information as I can to anyone who gets this back home. Though I think the fact the sun and moon orbit the planet will be a fairly hefty giveaway.
In any event, it didn't actually help me get to Fluttershy's cottage any faster. A little less gravity and I might have been able to beat her before she slammed the door shut. I ran up to the door and tried to open it. It was locked. I sighed and knocked on it.
"Fluttershy!" I called.
The only answer I got was a pinecone to the face. "GAH!"
More fire came down from the roof, and I ran for cover behind a tree. I peeked out and growled. Up on top was Angel, wearing the bunny equivalent of an army helmet with several cute critters as his army. All were well armed.
I reached down to check on my double flintlock pistol, which I'd taken to carrying with me at all times. Hey, when a crazy manticore has jumped you twice you'd start packing heat too.
Oh. Wait. If I shot any of her animals Fluttershy would probably kill me. Other than that snag, a perfect plan.
"Look!" I shouted. "I'm just here to talk! Please Fluttershy! Call off General Cottontail!" I yanked my head out of the way as several pinecones showered my position. "Damnit..."
"Go away!" Fluttershy cried. I groaned.
"Look! Let me explain! Please!"
Silence. I sighed and rubbed my forehead.
"Look, I made a mess of things! I hurt your feelings!" I called. Still no answer. "I'm sorry about that! I really am!" I shook my head. "This is a really awkward situation, but just hiding away isn't going to help us!"
Still she was silent. I groaned and rubbed my head.
"Damnit... Look! Can you at least let me talk to you? Please?"
"No!" She cried.
I sighed. Of all the times for her to be assertive...
"Please? Pretty please?" I called.
Silence again. I grimaced... And I looked at my gun.
"All right then..." I said. "Plan B." I pulled back the hammers on both barrels, and came out. Angel raised a paw to let loose another salvo.
I turned the gun and pointed it at my head. "Look out! He's got a hostage!" I shouted, my eyes wide. "He's crazy!"
The animals looked flummoxed. The door opened, and Fluttershy peeked out.
"An-Andrew?" Fluttershy asked.
"No! Please, please let me go!" I cried. My voice deepened. "Get in there, boy! Unless you want to get new holes in your head!" I took hold of my collar and dragged myself towards the door.
"Andrew?! Are you crazy?" Fluttershy asked in disbelief.
"Yes! He'll pull the trigger! He's mad I tell you, mad!" I cried, before throwing myself through the door inside. I kicked the door shut, and looked up at the shocked Fluttershy.
"You... You certainly are," she said.
"Now can we talk? Before the furry brigade kicks my ass?" I asked.
Fluttershy took a deep breath and let it out in exasperation. "... All right."
"Good..."
"Okay," I said, holding up my hands. "Okay... Um... I'm just going to make this very clear, very simple, and very organized, so neither of us has any misconceptions. All right?"
Fluttershy nodded. "Simple, clear, organized communication. Good. I agree."
"All right," I said. "I'll go first. Is that all right?"
Fluttershy nodded. "That's all right."
"Okay," I said. I took a deep breath. "One, I do care for you very deeply and I find you attractive."
Fluttershy nodded again, pawing the floor as she blushed. "I-I'm very glad to hear that."
"Two, if I wasn't involved with Twilight, I would be very, very happy to be involved with you," I admitted, my own cheeks hot but I ignored that. "I mean, we'd need magic for compatibility for-"
"Y-Yes, yes, I understand," Fluttershy said, her own face rapidly approaching the red you rarely see outside of... Some really, really red thing.
I'm not bloody Attenborough here.
"And three," I said, taking another deep breath to steel myself, "I am involved with Twilight and I care for her deeply too."
"More than me?" Fluttershy asked. "Um... I mean, if you do, that's all right..."
I stared at her, and then looked up at the ceiling. "... I'm... Not sure," I admitted with a sigh. I lowered my gaze back to her, and held out my hands a bit helplessly.
"Ah. Um, well... That would be a problem," Fluttershy said with a nod.
"Right," I replied.
"... And I still think we should tell Twilight about this," Fluttershy said.
"Ah. Right," I said. I nodded, and sucked in a breath to calm myself. "Let's just... Tell the slightly unstable super powered unicorn, whom I care about very much, that we made out. What could possibly go wrong?"
"Well, uh..." Fluttershy looked out the nearby window. "Imagine what her reaction would be if she didn't find out from us..." She turned her gaze back on me, suddenly intense. "Or how... Distressed I might get from keeping something from one of my very best friends."
I pointed at her and nodded. "Good point. Very good point. And I'd just like to point out, I am not interested in concealing this from Twilight just because I'm a jerk."
"It's because you don't want to hurt her feelings," Fluttershy said.
"Or die. Definitely don't want to hurt her feelings, and die," I said. "The first is very big, but I cannot help thinking about the second, you understand right?"
"Don't worry... She wouldn't hurt you." She cocked her head. "Do you trust her so little?"
"It's not that, it's more a matter of..." I waved my hands vaguely, and finally let out an exasperated sound. "It's a human thing. Very complicated. Suffice it to say, males tend to fear the wrath of females they are close to."
"Well, your parents must have overcome that in order to give birth to you," Fluttershy said quite reasonably. "And... And I'm sure you and Twilight can overcome things."
"Well, at least one of us is an optimist," I said dryly.
- - - - - -
Once again, we stood in front of Twilight's library. Once again, I knocked on the door. Curiously though, there wasn't a response. I frowned and looked over at Fluttershy.
"Weird," I said. I knocked again, a bit harder this time. "Twilight! Spike?" I called. "I'm sorry I'm late, I uh, had a bit of a delay-"
"NOOOO!" Twilight howled. Reason, rationality, common sense fled my mind as I half turned and rammed my shoulder into the door. It came off it's hinges, crashing down. In the same motion I pulled my pistol out of it's holster and pointed it into the house, both barrels primed with my thumb. Fluttershy dashed in next to me, her wings flared to make herself look as big as possible which cast a breeze that flared my long canvas jacket out dramatically.
It was a fairly badass entrance, looking back on it now.
And rather wasted on our audience: Twilight standing in the middle of the library (no longer in human form, a part of me noted in disappointment) while Spike nefariously... Switched books around on the shelves.
"Hmmm... Easy Cooking for the Recluse... I think I'll put that in..." The baby dragon grinned and slid it onto another shelf, "Zoomatic Constructs!"
"SPIKE! You monster, how dare you do that!" Twilight raged, twitching. Spike grinned.
"Gee, maybe I should just switch around the Neigh Gaiman books... Did Equestrian Gods go before or after the Sandmare series...?"
"Stop it! How could you?! I raised you to be better than this, Andrew! Fluttershy! Stop him!" Twilight cried.
I set my gun down on the table nearby with a sigh, next to the bellows. I walked over, and grabbed Spike's shoulders. The dragon looked up at me in annoyance.
"Hey!"
"Put them back," I said sternly.
"Oh, so letting her stand there for three days is a better idea?" Spike asked sarcastically. I knelt down and smiled at him.
"I have a much better way to handle that," I said. Spike snorted.
"Yeah, I'm sure you do," he snarked. I narrowed my eyes.
"Just put them back in the right place, and then beat it. I've got to talk to Twilight alone."
"Alone...? Or with Fluttershy?" Spike asked, his eyes narrowed. I sighed.
"Please Spike?" I asked. I lowered my voice. "Look, if it goes badly, please know that I will probably suffer some severe personal injuries."
Spike scowled, considered... "How severe?"
"Oh would you get to it?" I asked flatly. Spike grumbled, but quickly put the books back in place. Twilight noticeably calmed, and the young dragon headed out with a last sour look at myself and Fluttershy. He slammed the door on his way out. Twilight sighed.
"Good... Ha! Can you imagine, he thought it was silly of me to stand here, perfectly still and do nothing for three days!" Twilight laughed.
"Uh... Twilight, honey, it is kind of silly," I said. Twilight scowled.
"How so?"
"Bathroom, food, sleep," I said calmly. Twilight huffed.
"I could just resolve those with magic-"
"Which would be doing something, you know that right?" I asked. Twilight's eyes widened slightly, and she sighed as she shut them.
"Grrrrr...!" She opened them again and glared at me.
"If you have any better ideas, I'm happy to hear them."
"Well... Um... We could..." I sighed. "Do... Nothing?"
"Um... Twilight," Fluttershy said. "There is something important that we need to tell you-"
"Unless it has to do with saving Ponyville I'm not that interested," Twilight said bluntly. Fluttershy tapped her hooves together nervously as we shared looks. My girlfriend looked between us, curious.
"What? What is it?" She asked.
"Er... Well," I said, "it... Might?"
"How? What is it? What happened? Are you two all right?" Twilight asked urgently.
Oh boy... Knife, just keep digging...
"Well... Um... You see, Fluttershy and I were clearing out Mata Hemlock plants on the edge of the Everfree Forest," I began.
"I asked him to do it, you remember, those awful things kill innocent animals, they're simply awful," Fluttershy added.
"Yes, I remember reading about them," Twilight said with a nod. "They're also used as an... Aphrodisiac..." She trailed off. I spoke again, quickly.
"She just saw a bunny who had been killed, I was in the thick of a few of them, she was very sad, it's not her fault-"
"Andrew was homesick, I was feeling lost and lonely and he really is very kind, very nice-" Fluttershy interjected but I cut back in.
"And so we kissed and I'm very sorry," I said, raising my hands up.
"I'm not trying to steal him from you, I'm very sorry about this," Fluttershy said.
Twilight blinked rapidly. "I... You... WHAT?!"
Her horn flared, and the table behind me shuddered and glowed. The bellows fell from the top onto the floor, squeezing out a blast of flames. I looked just in time to move out of the way, but the fire hit my jacket's edge and climbed up it.
"AH! OH SHIT! AH!" I cried. Twilight and Fluttershy gasped.
"Hold still!" Twilight cried. I yanked off my jacket and tried to throw it out the door, but Twilight's magic took hold. Surprised, I let it go and the fiery fabric flew into my girlfriend's surprised face.
"AHH!"
"Twilight! I've got it!" I shouted, running over and grabbing the jacket. I yanked it away and threw it to Fluttershy, who took a non-burning edge in her teeth and flew it out. I turned to Twilight and kneeled down, cupping her face and checking her for burns. She looked up at me, dazed.
"Nnngh... Is... is it bad?" She asked softly. I shook my head and gently rubbed my fingers over her cheeks.
"You're a bit singed, but nothing serious," I said. I raised my eyebrows. "Your hair style seems to have taken an interesting turn..."
"Wh-What? Show me a mirror, quickly!" Twilight said. I let her go and looked around. Finding a mirror on another table, I took hold of it and held it out to her. Her eyes widened, and she held a hoof to her mohawk styled tresses.
"Oh no... No... This is the next sign! My hair!" She gasped. "It's the same as Future Twilight's!" She shuddered. "I haven't changed anything, it's still coming!" She glared at me. "And you kissed Fluttershy and you still slept with me!"
"Yes, yes I did! I chalked it up to the plants!" I said.
"And now?!" Twilight said angrily.
"Well, Fluttershy insisted we talk because her feelings were-"
"My feelings are genuine!" Fluttershy cried as she flew back in through the door. "I'm really very sorry, Twilight! Please don't kill us!"
"So, you... Care for him too?" Twilight asked. Fluttershy nodded, her hooves over her face as she whimpered. Twilight looked back at me. "And you?"
"I care about her, but we're involved! I don't want to dump you! I like being with you!" I said quickly. "I care for you-Hell, I went down to a Hellmouth for you!"
"Before or after you made out with Fluttershy?" Twilight asked angrily.
"Before! Before!" I insisted. I reached out and rested my hands on her shoulders. I looked right into her eyes. "Please Twilight, believe me."
She glared at me for a while, then back over at Fluttershy. She sighed, irritated.
"We... We don't have time for this," she growled. "The disaster might destroy everything!"
"I know, I know," I said. "I have really, really lousy timing-"
"Yes you do!" Twilight said flatly. She huffed, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples. "But we need to focus on what's important here... Saving Ponyville."
Out her quill and schedule came, and she scribbled something down on it. "We'll talk about this later," she said. "Right now, we have work to do."
I felt a release of tension from my shoulders. I hugged Twilight tightly. "Thank you," I said.
"Don't thank me yet," she said warningly. "That's reserved for one minute fifteen seconds after our discussion."
"What happens before... Ah... Nevermind," I said at Twilight's resulting look.
Well... That could have been worse.
I really need to learn to stop thinking that kind of thing...
- - - - - -
The city of Denver doesn't get a lot of attention for her beauty. She doesn't get a lot of attention, period. But being a native, or as close to one as can be, I can say without a doubt she does indeed have her charms.
Take the city park, for instance. It's just outside the Natural History Museum and the Zoo, and has a gorgeous crystal clear lake right in the center of it. There's a gazebo in front of an old yellow boathouse built in the 1900s, which gives you a magnificent view of the rolling green hills the museum is perched on. Ducks and geese fly around, gracefully diving for fish or just to float with their families.
Behind you the skyline of Denver herself can be seen, cutting across a clear blue sky. And sure, she's not New York or Los Angeles but on the plains, she is the queen of the gateway to the Rocky Mountains. The Mile High City.
"You know, you really can be a stupid monkey," said Twilight Sparkle as we sat on the dock, the water lapping against the wood providing a beat to the quacking of ducks. I could see Earth in the water below me, stretched out like a beautiful mosaic of water, mountain, forest, desert, cities...
"I don't think I'm that stupid," I said. "I mean, okay, liberal arts? Bad idea, but I did take my math classes."
"What is the factor theorem?" Twilight asked primly. I rolled my eyes.
"Let k be a complex number and f be a polynomial of x. This polynomial has a factor of x minus k if, and only if, the value of f at point k is equal to zero."
"Very good," Twilight said approvingly. "Though in your world, that's only high school mathematics. Why didn't you ask your father to teach you?"
"I was too stubborn," I said. I sighed as I looked out over the world. "I didn't want to be a... Burden."
"Other children blame their parents for their failings. You just went ahead and blamed yourself," Twilight said. "As you are for your failing here."
"It's my responsibility."
"Takes two to tango, as you say," Twilight pointed out. "Fluttershy has responsibility too. She tried to take that-Why didn't you let her?"
"Because nobody takes my heat but me," I said flatly. "It's my responsibility. You're my girlfriend. It's my breach of our trust."
"Just as it was your responsibility to go down and save me from the Hellmouth? Or the manticore?" Twilight taunted. "You throw yourself in because it has to be your responsibility. You can't trust anyone else-"
"That's not true!" I shouted back angrily.
"I think it is," Twilight said, "because I was the same way. I didn't let anyone in, I couldn't. And you can make whatever excuse you want, the truth is you're afraid of letting people in."
I sighed and picked up a rock. I threw it across the water, and the image of Earth vanished into the ripples left from it's skipping.
"Maybe I am," I said softly. "I didn't have much luck socializing with my own species... Neither did you."
"Not until I came to Ponyville," Twilight said. "Now get up."
"Huh?"
"Andrew!"
I felt the floor slam into my face, and I grunted. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes, and looked up into the face of my real girlfriend. Twilight looked... Well... Twitchy. Her eyes were going back and forth, having trouble focusing on me.
"Get up, get up!" She cried. "You fell asleep! There's no time to sleep!" She leaped back to another telescope, which had been inserted (By me) into the treehouse. She dashed to another, and another (all installed by me, with her help), her eyes searching through them. I groaned.
"Twilight, we've been at this for... For... I have no idea how long," I said, rubbing my temples. "We need a break."
"There's no time for breaks!" Twilight cried, dashing right back up to me. Her hooves landed on my shoulders. "No time at all! We can't break, not for a minute!" Some of her spittle landed on my cheek, and I grimaced.
I hugged her tightly. "Twilight, we can't be responsible for everything," I said.
"No! No, but we can try! Something's coming, something's going to happen, I know it!" Twilight cried.
"Yes, but if we're tuckered out we're not going to be much good against it, are we?" I groaned, stretching my back. Pony chairs were just not comfortable for humans. Deceptively, they looked little different from a chair you might find anywhere on Earth but the way they supported you was far different.
"Well... Stress. Stress relief, what do you do for stress relief?" Twilight asked. I stared at her.
"Well... Depends on the person, I suppose-"
"You?" She asked intensely. I gulped.
"Uh, well, we went over those, remember? Sleeping, physical activity, stretching, tea-"
"Sexual activity?" Twilight asked urgently. I blinked.
"Well, yeah, that's pretty effective given the hormonal and psychological re-NO."
Okay, clearly she was on the edge, grasping at straws. I swear, I saw her grinding her teeth. That didn’t seem like a good sign to me.
"Oh come on, it would be very, very efficient!" Twilight complained.
"Look, that... While you're..." I gestured to the telescopes, as though that could encompass Twilight’s current mood, situation... Psychosis? Might be a bit too strong but you weren’t seeing her twitching. "It would not be a good idea-"
"I can change the schedule, right now!" Twilight said urgently.
"Wait, what schedu-?"
"I've scheduled our first sexual encounter, assuming the other dates go as planned," Twilight said. "I left some flexibility in the schedule, but, well..." She rested her head against my chest. "I mean, what if this is the end? What if there's nothing we can do? What if it's our-"
"Last day before Tuesday?" Pinkie Pie asked cheerfully as she hopped inside. "Yep!"
"WHAT?!" Twilight gasped. She ran to the eastern telescope and checked it-Only to pull back, crying in agony. "AHHH!"
"Twilight!" I shouted, rushing over to her. I held her face. "You all right?"
I decided to just shove the whole "scheduled sexual activity" thing aside for the moment. I mean, wouldn't you?
Twilight winced, a hoof over her left eye. "Owww..."
"Ooh, don't worry Twilight!" Pinkie Pie said, bouncing over with an eyepatch. She hoofed it to me, and I secured it around my unicorn girlfriend's eye. "I have emergency stores of eyepatches everywhere! In case of eyepatch emergency!"
I pulled my hands away, and Twilight blinked with her good eyes. Pinkie Pie beamed.
"See? Now you look like-"
"My future self!" Twilight cried.
"Also a pirate!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "A future pirate!"
Twilight trembled, and then slammed her hooves down on the floor. "That's it! No more messing around! We're going to the Canterlot Archives for those time spells, and we're doing it tonight! It's the only possible way to figure out what to do!"
"All right, good luck with that," the lazing Spike said, burping loudly as he polished off another carton of ice cream. Twilight's good eye narrowed.
"And we're all going," she growled.
"Yay!" Pinkie cheered.
"Aw," Spike grumped.
"Probably should have done that first, Twilight," I said. At her glare, I held up my hands defensively. "Just a thought!"
I really need to keep my mouth shut...
- - - - - -
Hopefully the finale won't be too big a disappointment. It's not going to twist things for the ending of the episode all that much, just add some flavor to it. And hints of a possible future.
Allow me to give you guys a hint: I've been watching a hell of a lot of Farscape, so maybe you can speculate on what happens next.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Night fell across Equestria, and the stars came to life above us like the lights of a theater stage. The sky here is hard to describe when it's night. It's like... It's like a vast work of art stretching over your head, with changes in the hues and tones of the night itself from the deepest black to a sensual blue, highlighted by the stars that could serve as mere decoration, all the way to the focus of a particular spot.
I was reminded of my visit to the Clyfford Still Art museum in Denver. He was an abstract expressionist. It was a painting movement that sought to bring the viewer into the painting, to keep their eyes moving to take the whole thing in. They painted on large canvases to accomplish this, with multiple kinds of paint and even different textures.
On Equestria, the night sky was an artistic experience. I still couldn't believe that nobody back a thousand years ago had appreciated it.
"Andrew, get down!" Hissed Twilight. I knelt down further behind the wall we were hiding behind with a repressed sigh.
Well, it wasn't like I was getting a lot of appreciation out of it.
"Sorry," I whispered.
Twilight sighed, looking rather like Solid Snake in her latex catsuit. Pinkie Pie was right next to us, the hood on her suit pulled up to make her resemble a cat even more. Spike was also with us, wearing latex too though it didn't do much for him.
I had declined the body suit, electing to go with the dark jacket Rarity had finished for me. It was actually blue, so deep though that it looked black and it let me blend into the night. Add a hood and I was comfortably invisible from a certain distance.
"All right," Twilight said. "The archives are in there. We're looking for Starswirl the Bearded's section. We have to be careful though-The archives are well guarded."
I peeked over the wall. Yep, two guards at the entrance, two more patrolling the walled garden that surrounded the entrance.
"I count four," I said quietly. "So, we going in when the guard shifts?"
"No time," Twilight whispered back to me. "We need to move fast. Come on!"
Twilight and Pinkie vaulted over the wall, while Spike climbed it with a little difficulty. I just swung myself over, no real difficulties.
However, with my height I was obviously going to be spotted, so I got on all fours and crawled inelegantly after them.
"Beginning Virtuous Mission," I muttered.
"Hm?" Twilight whispered. I shook my head.
"Human reference," I explained. A quiet "eep!" sounded behind us, along with a thump, and we all turned to see-
"Fluttershy? What are you doing here?" Twilight whispered harshly. Fluttershy winced, rubbing her head. She too wore a latex catsuit.
"I wanted to help, to... To make up for..." She looked at me, I looked at her, then I looked over at Twilight. My girlfriend huffed.
"Fine, fine! Just be quiet," she hissed.
Fluttershy nodded and we continued on our way into the garden. We were passing by a statue of a rearing pony when Twilight froze.
"Guards! Hide!" Twilight hissed. She leaped up next to the statue and posed. Spike and Pinkie Pie... Covered their eyes. Fluttershy curled into a ball and covered her face with her wings. I stared in disbelief and facepalmed.
Doomed... Doomed... So doomed... Well it's not like they'll throw her in jail, she's the Princess's own student! Me though, what'll they do to me? I-
The guards came along, trotted... And totally ignored us. My jaw dropped as they passed, not even sparing us a curious glance. I looked over at Twilight.
"... Was... That supposed to happen?" I asked.
"I'm not complaining," Twilight said. "I-Pinkie! Spike!"
The two were licking ice cream cones. The pink pony looked up and shrugged.
"What?"
"Where did you keep those anyway?" I asked in increasing disbelief.
"Ice Cream Place," Pinkie said. She grinned at my flummoxed expression. "Ooh! Naughty, naughty, naughty thoughts!"
"Shhhh!" Twilight shushed her. "Come on guys! This is serious!"
"You know, they could go off and cause a distraction while we slip into the archives," I suggested.
"Oh, um, that sounds good to me, I'll join them-" Fluttershy said, but Twilight shook her head.
"I'm going to... To need another pair of eyes to investigate," she said reluctantly. "You can do that, right Fluttershy?"
"R-Right," she said. I gritted my teeth.
This just gets better and better...
"All right Pinkie, Spike, go off and be distracting!" Twilight ordered. Pinkie grinned.
"Distracting? That's my favorite thing to be!" She squealed. "Aside from Pinkie Pie!"
"Which is the same thing," I said dryly. Spike snickered, and hopped onto Pinkie's back.
"Let's go!" The dragon crowed. Off they went, galloping right up to the two guards at the entrance. Spike waved as Pinkie grinned.
"Tag! You're it!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully as she tagged one of the guards with her hoof. Spike blew a raspberry. The guards frowned.
"Hey!"
"Catch us if you can!" Spike taunted.
Pinkie Pie took off, bounding merrily away. The guards gave chase. Twilight, Fluttershy and I looked at each other. I let out a breath I was holding.
"Well... At least they're having fun," I said. Twilight nodded.
"Come on, let's go!"
- - - - - -
We sneaked across the lawn to a nearby window. Twilight's horn glowed briefly, and it unlocked. She pushed it open, and swung herself inside. I heard a thump and a grunt.
"You okay?" Fluttershy and I asked.
"I'm fine, just get in here!" Twilight called.
With a shrug, I pulled myself through the window, sliding down on my stomach and guiding myself to my knees with my hands. I slowly stood up as Fluttershy followed. All three of us stood in the hallway, archways that led into corridors lined with bookshelves in place about every eight meters.
"All right... All we have to do is find the Starswirl the Bearded section," Twilight said. I nodded.
"Good, good... Where is that, then?"
Twilight blinked. She shook her head. "No idea."
"What? Isn't there a-a guide to the archive? Some idea of where his stuff is? A sign?" I asked. Twilight scowled at me.
"Not here! Only those who are allowed access can-Oh no, somepony's coming!" Twilight lit up with magic, and quickly climbed the wall like Spider... Pony. Fluttershy slid her hooves underneath my shoulders, and flapped her wings hard to get us airborne.
A guard trotted around the corner, his horn glowing to provide illumination. He passed on by below us, as Fluttershy beat her wings almost frantically.
"I'm not that heavy, am I?" I muttered to her.
"Maybe a little... Um... I think it's mostly muscle," she said.
"I wasn't that concerned with that," I said flatly.
We descended, Fluttershy slowly letting me down. Though she did nuzzle my neck as we did, making my cheeks flush red.
Twilight must have noticed, as I felt a telekinetic grip on my collar as she pulled me over.
"Hup! Twilight-"
"Shhh! I'm checking you for injuries," Twilight hissed, pulling my head down as she put her face close to mine. I sighed as she nuzzled my nose.
"That's not checking me for injuries," I said, a bit resigned.
"No... No it isn't," Twilight said flatly. "At this stage though, I don't care," she scowled over my shoulder at Fluttershy, who winced. "Now come on!"
We headed down the hallway, quietly, quietly. We looked through numerous hallways and rooms, vast archives of knowledge. The whole place had a very pleasant smell to it-Paper and history. I dunno about you but I grew up in a house filled with old books, and that musty smell is pleasant. It spoke of years, decades, centuries of ponies recording what they had learned and thought and felt...
Unfortunately, we'd circled around and still no sign of Starswirl the Bearded's section.
"Oh, this is hopeless! Where could it be?" Twilight groaned.
"Well, um, what was Starswirl's cutie mark?" Fluttershy asked.
"A galaxy suspended in an hourglass," Twilight said automatically. "It symbolized his knowledge and talent in magic dealing with space and time."
"So, magic hourglass," I said with a nod. "Right. Maybe there's a big giant hourglass symbol around here."
"Actually," said an unknown male voice that made us all jump, "it's the room with the great big hourglass in it!"
"GAH!"
"EEP!"
"ACK!" I cried, spinning around to bring my gun to bear on the voice but all I succeed in doing was tripping on my long coat and falling on top of Fluttershy and Twilight.
"OOF!"
The source of the voice trotted into view, wearing a smile-It was the unicorn guard from before.
"Oh! Hey Twilight, long time no see!" He said cheerfully.
"Nnngh... Hi Knight Light," Twilight sighed.
"Eep," Fluttershy managed. "I don't want to go to jail! I'm so sorry!"
"So, this the human you've been dating?" He asked, shining his light in my eyes. I got up, brushed myself off, and coughed.
"Uh... Yeah. Andrew Shepherd," I said.
"Shepherd? That's a Sheep Name, isn't it?" Knight Light asked, cocking his head. "Shouldn't a human have a... Human name?"
My eyebrow twitched. "That is a human name! Otherwise, it wouldn't be my name would it?"
"Sheesh, touchy," Knight Light huffed. "Sure you wanna date this guy, Twilight? He seems a bit short tempered...” He sniffed. “And heavy."
A tug on my collar from Twilight’s magic kept me from grabbing the guy and shaking him like a particularly annoying set of maracas.
"Not that heavy! And we're fine!" Twilight cried. "Now please, just tell me where Starswirl the Bearded's archive is!"
"There," Knight Light said, shining at a doorway right next to the open window we'd entered through. Twilight's jaw dropped, and mine was on it's way to the floor as well. Fluttershy still looked woozy.
Seriously, I'm not that heavy! My girlfriend said so!
"Uh... Thanks," Twilight said. "Come on! Hurry up you two!" She dashed inside. I followed, helping Fluttershy up.
"Sorry for falling on you," I said.
"It's okay. It was more my fall that hurt," she said. "And your weight forcing me down..."
"Sorry," I said again.
"Andrew! Over here, working now! Saving world! Fluttershy, get reading now too!" Twilight ordered.
"Yes ma'am!" Fluttershy replied. I even saluted, and we got to work.
Several long hours later, I was again staring at pages and pages of notes. This time though, the subject was a little more interesting.
It turned out that Starswirl had originated the Pony version of General Relativity. It was primarily to explain how light could be bent around distant massive objects he saw in his telescopes, and he realized that mass was the answer through his own experimentation with magic and mathematics.
I was far from an expert in physics, mind you, or mathematics. Liberal arts, remember? But something about this particular scroll kept me glued to it, trying to figure it out.
"Andrew? Find anything?" Twilight asked.
"Well... Um, just his theories on..." I grimaced. "A transcendent loop stitch spell between two reality fabric sections...?"
"It's a bit old fashioned," Twilight said. "But it's not helping us! Come on, there's got to be something!"
The sun was shining through the window. "Uh, Twilight...?"
"Oh no no no!" Twilight cried. She held her hooves against the sides of her head. "Here it comes! The disaster! It's too late, it's Tuesday, we failed!"
"Eep!" Fluttershy cried, ducking and covering. I just sat, blinking a few times as the white form of Princess Celestia trotted slowly through the library. She smiled at all of us.
"Good morning Fluttershy, Andrew Shepherd, and Twilight! Love your hair!" She added to Twilight as she passed by. Twilight watched her go, gaping in disbelief, before she collapsed onto the floor.
"Urrrgh!" She groaned. She beat her head against the floor.
"What is it Twilight?" I asked. She sighed, and looked up at me.
"I think now that... Nothing is going to happen," she said, resigned.
"Isn't that a good thing?" Fluttershy asked.
"Yes, it is, but I spent so much time on this! And you two... You..." She growled, and I held up my hands.
"Hang on, hang on! Is that in the schedule-"
"Buck the schedule!" Twilight cursed. "You two kissed!"
"Yes, yes we did!" I said quickly. "And we regretted it! We couldn't hide it from you!"
"And I swear I'll never do that again! Promise!" Fluttershy cried.
"Yes! Yes, I get that, but I cannot believe it! You two couldn't control yourselves while I was alone... And you were in the Mata Hemlock plants... And the baby bunny... And I was... Was..." The purple unicorn sank, lower and lower, with each statement, until she was lying flush on the floor. I knelt down and hugged her tightly. Fluttershy nuzzled her comfortingly from the other side.
"You just wanted to save Ponyville. There's no shame in that, and even if we made mistakes, we were there for you," Fluttershy said.
I nodded. "And it wasn't because of anything you did, Twilight. It just... Happened."
"You're right too," Twilight sighed. "I forgive you guys. I do..."
"Thank you," I said, feeling very, very relieved. I hugged her even more tightly, and she hugged me back.
"Still... This whole week, I've been run ragged, freaking out, and on top of all this, you..." She sighed. "I just wish I'd known this before..." Her eyes lit up. "That's it!"
"What? What's it?" I asked. Twilight pulled away and trotted to some scrolls. She read through them and grinned.
"I found it! A time travel spell!" She said happily. "I can go back and warn myself not to freak out, and to spend more time with all of you! It's perfect! Just long enough to get a message back!"
Realization hit me like a bomb to the face. "Wait, Twilight! Don't!"
"Don't worry, it won't take a moment and everything will be fixed!" Twilight said. Her horn glowed with raw, magical power and the wind began to blow. I covered my face.
"Hang on Twilight! It's not going to-!"
SHOOM!
"-freak out over the next week because Andrew and Fluttershy will kiss and you'll be... Run... Ragged..." Twilight trailed off.
"... Work," I finished anyway, exasperated. "Closed time loop."
She sighed heavily. "Because I already did it, when I went back I... Was just setting the events I've been through in motion..." She bowed her head. "So I made myself freak out trying to calm myself down..."
"Causality is a bitch," I said, as I again hugged her. She hugged me back. Fluttershy just smiled, also feeling relieved.
"Yeah," Twilight sighed. "Did you suspect it?"
"Yeah," I said, stroking her mane. "But it didn't really click until you went through with it." I shrugged. "Still, could have been worse. You might have not gone back in time and the universe might have blown up or something..."
"That's true," Twilight said. She sighed. "I guess I just got so worked up over... Over you and Fluttershy, I..." She groaned and pressed her face into my chest. I sighed and stroked her mane comfortingly.
"Yeah... I know."
Exhausted, confused, and a bit frustrated, we made our way to a relaxation room in the Archives and found our seats on a very comfortable rug. Pinkie Pie and Spike we left behind-Last I saw, they were trying to liberate Princess Luna's chocolate cake. I wished them luck, and if they didn't have that then at least a swift, painless demise.
In the relaxation room myself, Twilight and Fluttershy sat on the floor in a circle, not really looking at each other. Fluttershy nervously rubbed her front hooves together, Twilight tapped hers on the floor, and I stared up at the ceiling, leaning against a couch for support.
Twilight finally spoke.
"I think there's a good lesson in all of this... But for the life of me, I can't decide which one to focus on," Twilight said softly. She smiled at us. "Hey, we've got that at least, right? What did you learn?"
"That rushing off without thinking about the consequences, even if my intentions are good, is stupid," I sighed. I fixed my eyes on her. Twilight slowly nodded, looking more than a little embarrassed.
"I learned I should be more trusting, and less anxious about things out of my control," Twilight replied, bowing her head slightly in humility. She looked over at Fluttershy, who was rubbing her hooves together so quickly I thought the carpet might catch fire. "Fluttershy?"
"Oh... Um... Do not kiss your friend's coltfriend," she said with a deep blush. I covered my face with a sigh. Twilight actually giggled, and my hand dropped as I treated her to my shocked expression.
Well, not so much treat as a staple.
Twilight continued laughing, and nodded. "Yeah... Yeah, that works. Though, all things considered, I think I handled it all right."
"Well, I'm not dead so I'll count that as a very, very good thing," I said. "Unless you've added that to the schedule?"
Twilight sighed and rubbed a hoof over her mohawk.
"I think I'll take a... A little break from that, at least for..." And here she blushed deeply. "Us."
My own face was quite hot, and I nodded back. "Sure... Though uh... Slow works for me."
"Me too," Twilight said. She glanced over at Fluttershy, who was doing her best to hide her disappointment. I gave her an apologetic look, and Twilight nuzzled her. Fluttershy relaxed a little, but still looked melancholy.
An orb of light appeared in the center of the room, and the wind picked up furiously. I groaned and covered my face.
"Not again!" Twilight cried. The orb wibbled and wobbled, before it finally burst into two figures curled up in the fetal position. Both rose... And kept rising, revealing themselves to be two humans, both in their late teens: A girl with purple skin, brown hair and green eyes and a horn, and a boy with pink hair and my skin tone.
"Hi Moms and Dad!" They chorused. I felt faint. Fluttershy turned bright red, even through her fur.
"Oh... No... No no no..." I managed. "Noooo... This... This can't be..."
"But it is dad!" Said the boy. "It really is!"
"We came back to-"
"NO! No no no! Don't tell us anything!" Twilight cried.
"Well," huffed the girl, "you don't have to be so rude, Mom."
"Yeah! Let's talk to Auntie Pinkie! She'd be much nicer at this time!" The boy shouted.
"Or Auntie Luna! She'd be sooo cool!" The girl said with a grin.
Suspicion entered my mind, and it was confirmed as "our kids" couldn't keep a straight face under our scrutiny and soon burst into laughter. They both shapeshifted, their forms twisting and finally snapping into the forms of ponies.
"Your Majesty! Pinkie Pie!" Twilight groaned. Princess Luna, who in my previous meeting with her had been very dignified, was giggling like a schoolmare while Pinkie Pie rolled on the floor in hysterics.
"Yeah yeah, very funny," I grumbled.
"Yes, we think it was!" Luna chuckled. She smiled down upon all of us. "But do not take it hard. Twas but a humble jest!"
"Involving time travel! Hee hee hee, there are now two of me!" Pinkie giggled.
"We are, however, glad that you have resolved thine differences and come to a satisfactory conclusion... Or rather, will," Luna said. Twilight stared back at them, and then suddenly smiled.
"You're absolutely right, your Highness. I have," she said. She looked over at me and Fluttershy and smiled. "I think your suggested future has... Some merit."
I froze, as did Fluttershy. We both stared at her in disbelief. Luna's eyebrows rose and Pinkie Pie's jaw dropped.
"What," I managed.
"Well," Twilight said with an innocent look to the ceiling. "Ponies are herd animals..." She grinned. "And I do like to... Experiment..."
I tugged at my collar, as Fluttershy seemed to blush with her entire body right through her fur. I didn't think I looked much better.
I tried to speak, but nothing came. Twilight smiled over at Fluttershy, who looked back and forth between us. Her eyes then narrowed, and, with a determined snort, she got up, trotted to Twilight and kissed her on the lips.
Twilight's eye bugged out, as both of mine did as well. Pinkie Pie gasped. Fluttershy broke the kiss, trembling a bit, and turned to look at me.
"I... I can live with that," she said.
"I... It... Buh...!" I articulated. Fluttershy smiled nervously.
"Um... I-I'll see you later... I need some sleep... At home... In bed..." She trembled again, and flew off. "Eep!"
I slowly turned my head to stare at Twilight, who was still gobsmacked.
"You... You were joking... Right?" I asked. Twilight finally closed her mouth and nodded.
"I... Yes..."
"I don't think she got it," Pinkie Pie said unnecessarily. Twilight nodded again, and let out a little huff.
"Very astute," she said.
"Verily," Luna said. She turned to Pinkie Pie as she and the pink pony began to glow. "Our time is nearly up, Pinkie Pie!" She turned to look at us and smiled.
"For mine own part, we would have no objections to thou being in such a relationship," she said.
"She's joking! Or not!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "See you soon!" And with that, they vanished into thin air. I groaned.
"I have one more lesson to add," I said.
"What's that?" Twilight asked.
"Time travel sucks," I growled. "I swear, there has not been one good thing about this entire adventure."
Twilight cocked an eyebrow.
"Nothing?" She asked. Twilight's horn glowed... And a moment later, she was in humanoid form. She'd gotten the hands and feet right this time. I could tell due to how tight the latex hugged her body, how the rips and tears in it were stretched.
She crawled over to me, and sat in my lap. She smiled at me, and rested her cheek against mine. Gingerly, I wrapped my arms around her waist and held her.
"... Okay, I'm wrong. It's a habit of mine," I said softly as I nuzzled her neck. Twilight giggled.
"Maybe... But I'm learning to appreciate it..."
"What about Fluttershy?" I asked, feeling very, very tired all of a sudden. Twilight yawned, and nuzzled my neck as she settled in against me.
"Let's let her calm down first. We've got all the time in the world to talk to her about it," she sighed.
"Yeah..."
- - - - - -
Well, if you hated this by all means tell me. This is the end of this arc, and frankly I don’t know what the next one will be about nor when I’ll write it. But if you enjoyed it, I’m glad. Thanks for reading!
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Home improvement had been an area of expertise I’d had to largely teach myself. So frankly I probably wasn’t as good as the guys who actually did carpentry and plumbing for a living. Well, at least in terminology. I think a hole in the floor underneath a refrigerator is just a hole underneath a refrigerator no matter what tech school you go to.
“Yep,” I said flatly, shining my flashlight down the hole, “you’ve got a lot of leakage, and…” I picked up a hammer and brought it down on the hole. The hole got bigger as the floorboard practically crumbled between the two joists. “Yeah, that’s not good.”
“It’s a wonder the whole dang thing didn’t fall into the cellar!” Applejack gasped, keeping her distance but still close enough to get a good look. It was the mark of a homeowner with common sense that she didn’t just look over my shoulder gawking. I’d done that as a little kid to guys who had been called in to work on our house and I always wondered if they’d been annoyed.
“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “Still! Not a hard fix, just requires a new board. Plywood, three/fourths of an inch thick, 26 inches long and 19 inches wide.” I smiled at her. “Simple. I’ll only charge an extra ten bits to do the rest of the kitchen.”
“Good t’ hear,” Applejack sighed. She took her hat and rubbed the top of her head. “We do a mighty lot of maintenance here but behind the fridge…”
“Nah, relax,” I said, waving a hand to calm her down. “Nobody checks behind the fridge. That’s one thing that holds between both worlds.”
Applejack chuckled and nodded. “Ah’d jest like to get this settled before the great dragon migration, ya’ know?” She frowned at me thoughtfully. “Sure you don’t wanna go?”
“What, go watch the huge, fire breathing monstrosities? No thanks,” I said flatly. “I’ll stick to the simple terrors of home improvement.”
“Uh huh…” Applejack gave me a wry expression. “Sure you ain’t jest lookin’ to avoid another kind of terror? Specifically, two terrors?”
I had turned to my toolbox, so I was able to hide my expression of mortification from her. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh come on Andrew, ah ain’t slow in the head,” Applejack snorted. “You, Fluttershy and Twilight have been dancin’ around each other fer a few weeks now!”
“Well…” I waved my hands, a bit helplessly. “It’s complicated.”
“Oh?” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow. “How complicated?”
“Er… Well, you know, complicated,” I said.
“Uh huh,” Applejack said flatly. Her eyes narrowed. “Ya know, they are both mah friends…”
“I’m not… Doing anything,” I said quickly. “Nothing immoral, I swear. I mean, if I break anypony’s heart I’ll have the rest of you pissed off at me. I’m not that stupid!”
Applejack thought about it, and nodded. “Nope, not that kind…”
“Oh ha ha!” I huffed as I closed my tool box. Applejack chuckled.
“Now now, don’t get yer britches in a knot. Jest saying you need to clear the air before things get really awkward.”
“That’s… The tricky part,” I said carefully.
“How tricky are we talkin’ here?” Applejack asked.
I took a deep breath.
“… Fluttershy is bisexual and is fine with dating myself and Twilight but Twilight has not been able to decide if she is fine with it and frankly I’m reluctant to make any kind of decision right now.”
Applejack stared at me.
“… So you’re just an indecisive gelding then.”
“HEY! I am… Not a gelding!” I said angrily, even as Applejack giggled. I pressed a hand to my face and groaned.
- - - - - -
Fluttershy's cottage was the home closest to the path of the Great Dragon Migration. Unsurprisingly then, as Applejack and myself trotted up to it we could hear an argument about it.
"Come on Fluttershy, it'll be fun!"
And soon we could see it, as Rainbow Dash tried to push Fluttershy out the door while Twilight tried to coax her out.
"Big, horrible, monstrous dragons are not fun!" Fluttershy cried, her limbs firm against the door frame.
"But the Great Dragon Migration only happens once a generation!" Twilight insisted. "Isn't that something to appreciate?"
"Well, when you put it that way... NO!" Fluttershy cried. Applejack sighed and looked up at me.
"You see to yer mistress 'n wife, ah'll go dig the dragon blind," she said with a wink.
"You're hilarious," I said dryly. The orange mare galloped off, and I walked up the path to the cottage.
"We just don't want you to miss out," Twilight said.
"Oh what? Big, scaly, fire breathing dragons?" Fluttershy asked sarcastically. Twilight shrugged and smiled a bit more broadly.
"Well... Yeah!"
"Thanks, but no thanks!" Fluttershy insisted. Rainbow Dash stopped pushing on Fluttershy, and huffed in irritation.
"Look Fluttershy," she said, producing a picture and showing it to her, "I went and watched that boring butterfly migration with you!" Rainbow Dash said. "You owe me!"
"Come on Fluttershy, Andrew's going to watch the migration with us!" Twilight said. I raised my eyebrow.
"This is news to me," I said.
"See? Andrew's not going either!" Fluttershy insisted. Twilight shot me a shocked look.
"What? You're not?"
I rubbed the back of my head. Oh yeah, I'd forgotten to tell her that. "Well Twilight, um, as much fun as getting close to gigantic, fire breathing carnivorous flying reptiles sounds... I'd much prefer to get some work done and not get eaten alive by said gigantic, fire breathing reptiles."
"We didn't discuss this," Twilight said in a warning tone. I frowned back.
"We didn't discuss me going either."
Twilight scowled slightly, before turning to give Fluttershy and Dash a smile. "Would you excuse us a moment?" Twilight trotted some distance away, and, taking the hint, I followed. When we'd gotten behind the tree I'd used for cover, she finally turned and faced me.
"I thought you'd love the dragon migration," she whispered.
"Twilight, if dragons existed on my planet, which to be fair is more likely now that I know they do here," I began, "they probably made their living eating my kind."
"So a primal fear is keeping you from going? Didn't stop you from going to Tartarus," she observed wryly.
"That's different! If someone I love is going into mortal danger then of course I'll be going!" I insisted. I got a rather pleasing blush off of Twilight, but she held steadfast.
"Don't change the subject! I've been working on getting Fluttershy to be more social after... Well... Everything," she said. "I mean, she still thinks that..."
"Still thinks what, darlings?"
We looked up and turned our heads to see Rarity standing them, smiling brightly. She had, as usual, very fashionable saddlebags with gems that glittered in the sunlight.
"... That... Um..." Twilight pawed the ground. I coughed.
"Er... That maybe..." I tried, but Twilight beat me to the punch.
"That I might be hogging Andrew, a bit, as... As a friend since we're dating now!" Twilight said. Rarity laughed gently, raising a hoof to cover her mouth as she did like Japanese women would do with a fan. Maybe I should tell her about that sometime...?
"Oh, if it's about you three being in a menage a trois no worries!" She said. "I'm not going to think any differently of you!"
Yes, the ponies had French too. No, I didn't know why.
"What?!" Twilight hissed. "How do you...? I mean... It's not-!"
"Oh please Twilight, I do listen and I do have eyes," Rarity insisted. She looked up at me with a cheeky smile. "And I do know something of, what was it, hominid mating practices?"
"What did you do with her?" Twilight snarled, hair beginning to rise in her magical aura. I let out a very unmanly "eep" and held up my hands.
"Nothing, nothing!" I insisted. "I just-!"
"Asked me about social matters between ponies," Rarity said, evidently not bothered that Twilight looked as though as she was about to explode. "It was so sweet him coming to me for advice about the three of you!"
"What?!" Twilight hissed, her aura dying down but the fury remaining. I gave her a flat look.
"I needed advice and Rarity is trustworthy..."
"So what did she tell you?" Twilight demanded.
I sighed.
- - - - - -
"Now darling, given Twilight has magic this makes your relationship far easier. But I do suggest scheduling intimacy at regular intervals and making sure Twilight does not withhold the transformation from Fluttershy, or yourself if you decide to go pony too. That is a key point of contention and Twilight does seem the... What's a good way to put this... Neurotic jealous type?"
"... That's a good way to put it?"
"Indeed! I love her dearly, make no mistake but really. Now, as for positions, I have this lovely chart for you to study..."
"Oh God..."
"And if you need accessories well! I've got quite the selection right here, in the, ahem, back room that you may peruse. I quite like this one actually, though the magical charge keeps dying down, no idea why..."
- - - - - -
"So really, you shouldn't have any problems!" Rarity said with a smile. "Though if you'd like my advice, let Fluttershy have Andrew to herself for a bit." The white unicorn winked. "There are ways to... Regain his attention afterwards." And off she trotted to the cottage, leaving myself and Twilight to stare after her.
"... Well I'm feeling... A bit mortified, how about you?" I asked.
Twilight groaned and covered her eyes with her hooves. "I cannot believe you told her-"
"I didn't tell her anything, she just... Came to the conclusion based on the evidence," I said with slumped shoulders. I glared at her. "And you insisted we not tell her the truth!"
"Well what was I supposed to do? Tell her it was a joke?" Twilight asked angrily. I sighed and raised my hands.
"Okay, okay, let's just calm down," I said. "Okay? Calm..."
"Hnn... I could do that easier with your hands," Twilight said, a bit coyly. A wry smile came onto my face and I worked a kink or two out of her back. She groaned happily. "Ahh... That's great..."
She smiled. "Well... Maybe this will work out for the best."
"Hm?" I grunted.
"Well... Um... Maybe you could tell her it was a joke?" She asked. I stared at her.
"So, I can break her heart while you're watching dragons?"
"No no no!" Twilight insisted. "Not what I mean!"
"Then what do you mean?" I asked flatly.
Twilight sighed and rubbed her face. "Ohhh..." She sighed. "I need time to think... So..." She worked her jaw a bit, before sighing deeply. "Okay. How about this? You spend some time with her... Alone... And I'll think about what to do."
"... Are you sure?" I asked. Twilight slowly nodded.
"Positive." She looked at me poignantly. "I can trust you..."
Though naturally there was the underlying question. I smiled back at her and bent down to kiss the top of her head.
"Yes you can," I said. Twilight smiled and nodded.
"All right..." She trotted out from behind the tree, and I followed. Fluttershy was still struggling in the door frame, now being talked down by Rarity and Rainbow Dash.
"Darling, you'll be missing out on a wonderful opportunity!"
"Butterfly migration! Boring!"
"There's nothing to fear! They'll be too far away to even see us!"
"I wanted to chew off my own wings I was so bored!"
"No... No... No... NO!" Fluttershy shouted, finally dislodging herself from the door and shooting out to tackle me.
"GWAH!" I cried, slamming into the ground hard. "OOF!"
"I'm. Not. Going!" Fluttershy insisted, wrapping her limbs tightly around me. "And neither is Andrew!"
"Can't breathe..."
"You're right Fluttershy," Twilight said over me, smiling at Fluttershy. "So, you and Andrew can go off and have fun together."
"Oh, that's wonderful! Th-Thank you Twilight!" Fluttershy said with a bright smile. She looked down at me and kissed my cheek. "This is going to be a fantastic day!"
"Hate you all," I moaned. "Hate you so much..."
- - - - - -
Some time later, back at the Apple farmhouse, I sawed through the rotted floorboard with relative ease. Unfortunately, due to the awkward angle at which I had to hold the saw it was slow going. Unfortunately Ponyville didn't have any power tools I could use (yet), so I was restricted to old fashioned human power.
Now, maybe that sounds kind of romantic but in all honesty, it is a pain in the ass.
"Nngh... Hrf... Ha!" I grinned as I finished the final cut. I worked the rotted hunk of floorboard out, and tossed it aside. "There we go..."
I looked over at Fluttershy with a smile. "Hand me the replacement will you?"
"Certainly," Fluttershy said with a warm smile. She took hold of the replacement board in her teeth and passed it over. I took it and carefully set it into place, making sure the edges met just right.
"Okay, hand me the hammer," I said. It was done, and after taking up a nail I placed it on the board over the joice. I tapped the nail with my hammer to drive it in slightly, carefully, carefully... I lifted the hammer up, just as carefully...
"So um, what do you think about babies?" Fluttershy asked, causing me to miss the nail entirely and instead hit the flat of my fingers.
"Yeow! Ow! Ow!" I hissed, pulling my hand back and pressing it against my stomach. Fluttershy gasped.
"Oh! Oh my, I'm very sorry about that, hang on," she said. I turned and she stretched out her wings to gently grasp my hand. With a hiss, I opened it up and she examined it, her feathertips stroking over my hand with the same dexterity as fingers. Just made out of feathers.
It was simultaneously kind of cool and also a little freaky. Her wings were like huge hands, how weird was that?
"Just a little knock, nothing to worry about," Fluttershy reassured me. I nodded slowly and smiled.
"Thanks..." I slowly turned back to the nail, and set it upright again. I again carefully positioned the hammer and waited.
"Um... About what I was saying," Fluttershy said. I sighed as I turned around on my knees, but I couldn't help a little smile. Okay, so it was an uncomfortable subject but at least I wouldn't have to have it while my hands screamed in agony.
"Um... Isn't it a bit sudden to be talking about that?" I asked. Fluttershy blinked.
"No, not really," she said. "It comes up every summer, especially towards the end-."
I coughed. "Ah... Yeah, but we're not..." I pointed to myself and to her. "Not... I mean we just started dating and all!"
Fluttershy blinked. "What does that have to do with it?"
I gaped in disbelief. "Wh-What?! We're not even married! We don't have a stable home and there's Twilight and-"
Fluttershy turned bright red. "Ah?! What?"
"I mean, if you ponies practice communal raising sometimes, which I haven't seen but it's entirely possible," I said, "there's that but frankly I'd prefer to be more involved in a child's life and have a commitment and you know, have a girl I'm close enough to I'd trust forever as my wife to be the mother and-"
"AH?!" Fluttershy cried, covering her cheeks. "N-No! Nonono! I-I'm not ready for that either! I mean, I'd like it to be you, if you were interested and I was interested and-and Twilight should probably have a say too-!"
"We haven't even dated that long and you're already talking about babies, what am I supposed to think?" I demanded.
Fluttershy blinked. Her mouth made an 'o' of understanding and she giggled nervously. "Oh! Heheheh... Um... That's not what I was talking about."
I stared. Fluttershy coughed.
"I um... I was wondering what you'd think of baby animals," Fluttershy said. "I let many of my animal friends keep their babies in the cottage during the fall. It helps their parents prepare their burrows for the winter, and um, I wasn't sure if you'd be... All right... With that," she trailed off and looked at the floor.
"Oh." I looked back at the floorboard and rubbed the back of my head. "Well uh, sure, no problem."
"Oh really? That's wonderful!" Fluttershy said cheerfully. I nodded.
"Yeah... I'm great with kids," I said with a smile. "Of any species."
Fluttershy blushed deeply and nodded. "Th... That's good to know," she said.
"Right."
"Yes."
"Well..." I turned back to the floorboard and began hammering in the nail. "I'll be happy to help you get anything you need ready."
"That's also very good to hear!" Fluttershy said cheerfully. "And I'll even pay you."
"Much appreciated," I said with a smile. I looked down at the hammered in nail with satisfaction, and grabbed another one. I positioned it over the pencil marking I'd made. "I mean, I'd do it for free but-"
"But you'd prefer to earn money and keep things professional between us except on dates, right?" Fluttershy asked. I blinked and looked over my shoulder at her. She coughed.
"Um..." She averted her gaze. "You know... So you'll feel less awkward about... The three of us," she said.
"... Maybe a little," I admitted. "It's not quite something I'm used to." I hammered in the second nail and then sighed. "Back on my world, I'm not exactly a desirable mate."
And here I had two mares interested in me for more than my hands...
"Eh, couple reasons," I admitted as I took another nail and began pounding it in. "One, I don't exactly stand out in a crowd. I'm fairly average as far as humans go."
"Wouldn't that make you more attractive?" Fluttershy asked. "All the animals I see tend to go for mates that are closer to the baseline. I guess that's just how it works, I mean."
"It's similar to humans, I suppose," I said as I began pounding in another nail, "but it's not just looks. I don't exactly stand out in other ways." I finished the nail with a grunt, and started in on another one. "I'm also kind of anti-social. I don't date a lot, because the women I've dated before were... Well..." I sighed. "It didn't turn out well."
"It didn't turn out well?" Fluttershy asked curiously. She pawed at the floor. "Um... You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. You could tell me, or tell me nothing, or even lie if you wanted, I wouldn't, um, mind..."
I finished the next nail off with a bit more force than I needed to. I frowned at the floorboard and thought about it.
"... Well, I made the mistake of dating girls far more interested in my brother than me in high school," I began, taking up another nail and hammering away.
"He was a... A Stud?" Fluttershy asked, and I could hear the cute blush in her voice.
"No. Gay," I said.
"Gay?" She asked.
"He... Preferred the company of other men," I explained. Fluttershy gasped.
"Oh my!"
I looked over my shoulder and frowned. It didn't seem like a big surprise to me, given Fluttershy had admitted an interest in Twilight. Catching my thought, she flushed.
"Ah, I mean, in Equestria 'gay' means... Happy," she said awkwardly. "Very happy... Liking others of your gender is 'racing on the other side of the track.'"
"Huh," I said, rather interested. "Interesting. It was the same for humans until recently. Though being 'gay' could also mean you were a guy who had a lot of sex."
"Oh my," Fluttershy said again, blushing brightly and giggling a bit. "How curious..."
"Anyway," I said, getting back on topic and getting back to work, "they often went after me to get closer to him. Or they were a shrinking violet who didn't really like dating, but were too polite to say no." The next nail was done, and I shifted to another. "When I got into college I tried dating a little, though to be honest I had to divert most of my attention to my studies."
"So you went out with studious girls then?" She asked.
"Nope," I said flatly, "I got used by less studious girls."
"Hm?"
"Some pretty girl has trouble in class, she sees a socially awkward but intelligent guy, she uses her looks to get him to do her work for him," I said in a flat, angry tone. "That was a lot of my dating experience."
"Oh dear..."
"And then I tried seemingly normal, down to Earth girls," I said, pounding in another nail even harder. "And they turned out to be crazy! They were talking marriage after three dates, and made every decision for us, and didn't let me have an opinion and didn't take the hint I didn't like her until I just flat out told her 'Hell no!'!"
"Uh, Andrew..."
"And then I tried religious girls," I snarled, pounding in another nail. The strikes filled the room loudly. "But they were actually taking a break from a guy they were dating just to get that guy to pay her more attention and neglected to tell me!"
"Andrew, um, m-maybe you should calm down-"
"Oh, but the best kind of girls are the single moms," I growled, grabbing a spirit level and slamming it down in the middle of the floorboard to make sure it was level. "They will neglect to inform you that they can't take you seriously, find you a laugh, and are just using you to get their chump bad boy bum of a boyfriend who knocked them up and ran off to come back to them!" I grabbed a wide board of wood, pressed it against the floorboard section, and pounded it with my hammer in an effort to get the whole thing level.
"And they won't tell you crap until, guess what, they update their profile on Facebook to say that they are engaged to said chump and oh gee sorry you didn't get the memo!"
A hoof gently but firmly pressed down on my palm, stopping my hammering. I looked over at Fluttershy, who stared into my eyes with great intensity.
"Calm down," she said softly. I felt the tension leave me, and all that was left in place of anger was a heavy helping of shame. I tried to avert my eyes, but Fluttershy's gaze held them firm.
"I... I'm sorry," I said softly. Fluttershy smiled sadly and hugged me.
"It... It's all right," she said softly. "It's all right... You really shouldn't hold things in like that though," she said. "You... You tend to easily blow up at the wrong times..."
I stared in some disbelief at her. I laughed a little and hugged her back.
"Personal experience?"
Fluttershy winced.
"You have no idea..."
- - - - - - -
So, after that... Somewhat embarrassing rant, I put down the new floor and showed it off to Granny Smith. She was suitably impressed and paid me in full, and made arrangements for me to replace the linoleum in the bathrooms next. We shook hands... Hooves... Appendages, and off Fluttershy and I went with a far heavier money bag tied to my belt.
“That was quite nice,” Fluttershy said. “What next?”
I checked my schedule... And groaned. “Nurse Redheart’s mandated check up.”
“Mandated?” Fluttershy asked.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “I’ve been, er... Missing some appointments.”
Fluttershy frowned. “How many appointments?”
“Well...” I sighed. “After she pulled out the really big needles, I wasn’t very keen on attending.”
Fluttershy gave me a severe look. “Andrew...”
“Well come on, I feel fine! Which is pretty good given what I’ve been through...”
“Andrew,” Fluttershy said again, her stare becoming more intense. I coughed.
“Hey now, I‘m saving money here! Even though healthcare is very cheap here and all...”
“Andrew,” she said flatly, “go.”
“Yes ma’am,” I er... Manfully squeaked.
Fluttershy’s face lightened, and she smiled kindly at me.
“Don’t worry. I’m sure it won’t be anything too arduous. I try to minimize the discomfort of all my patients, after all.”
- - - - - - -
Fluttershy flew out of the nurses office ahead of me, and turned around with a smile.
I followed a bit more slowly, giving her a glare. Fluttershy coughed and tapped her hooves together as I stepped out into the sunlight.
“Well... It could have been worse,” she said as she looked me up and down. Nurse Redheart had apparently ordered something special from Smokestack and Rarity. That combination alone was scary enough, but it wasn’t until the actual end product I realized the true horror of their collaboration.
“It’s purple,” I said flatly as I held out my arms to encompass the dragon sclae armor Nurse Redheart had ordered me to wear. Now, you might be thinking that going around wearing dragon scale armor is cool. You’d be wrong, it is in fact hot. And heavy. And purple.
“That is a problem,” admitted Fluttershy. “But it is the color of the scales of the dragon they came from.”
“Wait, what? You slew a dragon?” I asked in disbelief.
“No! These came from Spike when he became huge!” Fluttershy said. “Remember?”
I thought back to the incident in question...
I was walking down a side street, coming up on Main Street as numerous ponies ran from it. With a frown I rounded it and saw a gigantic purple and green dragon. My jaw dropped.
“Oh hell no,” I said as I turned to run back around the corner. I was halfway down the block when I heard the screams of ponies, I knew personally, and grimaced. “Damnit,” I sighed. “Okay, here I come to save the day!” I picked up a two by four and ran back.
I rounded the corner again... And a barrel filled my vision as the dragon had cast it at me with a single swing of his tail. I swung instinctively for the barrel, and it shattered... Releasing a deluge of apples that all carried the same momentum of the barrel and covered me. Everything went black.
“Er... I didn’t get there in time,” I lied. I sighed as I looked down at the armor, tugging on some straps. It was hot and heavy but it did fit properly. I wondered why Rarity hadn’t told me about it? You’d think she would have taken the chance to show off the new outfit first...
“Still, this is kind of humiliating,” I said flatly. “Might as well give me a bike helmet to wear at all times...”
“Did she say all times?” Fluttershy asked.
“She... Strongly suggested it,” I said wryly, looking over at Fluttershy. “I have some familiarity with those kinds of suggestions.”
Fluttershy had the good grace to blush.
“Still, it was a considerable investment on Rarity and Smokestack’s parts,” she stated. “Maybe you should thank them?” Fluttershy suggested. “I-I mean, if you wanted to...”
I sighed, and slowly nodded. “Right then... Smoke Stack first.”
Given he probably built it thanks to the business our weapons had generated, I suppose I could be a little thankful...
- - - - - -
A slow start to this new arc, but I hope you’ll forgive me for it. It is going to be a take on “Dragon Quest”, but it won’t have Andrew steal the show. It’s going to be fun though, promise.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
I entered Smokestack's shop with the caution of one who has nearly met his end at the hooves of the Cutie Mark Crusaders more than once. I peered in through the door, opened just enough to let me see inside. Looking around carefully, I saw no mane nor tail of the three Horses of the Apocalypse.
"Ah, you're here," Smokestack said, reading through a newspaper while smoke puffed from his pipe. He looked over the headlines at me as I walked inside. "Armor fit okay?"
"Uh, yeah," I said. Fluttershy trotted in behind me with a smile of her own. "I just wanted to thank you and-"
"And ask when in tarnation I got your measurements?" Smokestack asked. "Miss Rarity." He grinned. "That pony don't miss a beat, especially when it comes to figuring out your proportions."
I wasn't sure if there was innuendo or not in Smokestack's suggestion, but given Fluttershy didn't break out into a blush I decided to go with the interpretation there wasn't. Besides, I didn't want to consider the idea that Rarity would break Spike's heart. Not her.
"Well, thanks," I said. "I'm going to go thank her too-"
"Before you do," Smokestack said, moving out from behind his counter and heading to a work bench, "got another surprise for you."
"A helmet?" Fluttershy suggested.
"Nah, haven't finished it yet," Smokestack said, "though with his head he'd be fine without."
Fluttershy giggled, and then gave me an apologetic look as I scowled. I sighed.
"Beat up on the Human day? Didn't know that was a holiday around here."
"Ain't a holiday if it's every day," Smokestack said wryly. I winced. It was like I was wearing a bull's eye.
"Ah! Here we go," Smokestack said, trotting back up to me with a wrapped package in between his teeth. He lifted it up to me, and I took it in my hands. "Open it."
I did so, and blinked. "Woah..."
It was a sword wrapped in a scabbard made of what looked like leather (but was probably a faux version of it-It'd be a bit like that human skin lamp in Silence of the Lambs). I pulled it out and examined it. It was short, only about two and a half feet long, and shaped like a Roman gladius.
"Your little dinky knife isn't much good," Smokestack said, "so I made you a bigger knife."
"Well, thanks!" I said with a smile, resheathing it. I tied it off to my belt, still grinning. Smokestack snorted, and looked over at Fluttershy.
"Keep an eye on him though. He gets into enough trouble with things that ain't sharp and you and Miss Sparkle are too young to be widows."
Fluttershy blushed bright red, and I was the same way. "Wh-What are you talking about?" Fluttershy laughed nervously. "We don't-That is-!"
"It's not like that!" I insisted, holding my hands up. Smokestack huffed.
"Whatever. Just don't get killed, I don't like having to make handles for coffins," he said, trotting off.
Fluttershy and I looked at each other, before we departed the shop. The door shut behind us, and Fluttershy sighed.
"How... How many ponies do you think know about... Um... Our situation?" Fluttershy asked.
If there was one thing this world had in abundance over my own, it was dramatic irony. The Mayor and Mr. and Mrs. Cake trotted by, the former giving us a smile.
"Don't worry, Shepard and Fluttershy! We support you!" She said with a friendly and knowing wink that sent a shudder down my spine.
"We uh, have to stick together after all, heheh," Mr. Cake said with a little grin as Mrs. Cake giggled. They trotted off together, and we stared after them.
Fluttershy's face was glowing in her blush. "Um... Er... Ah... Oh my..."
I twitched. "... Let's go back to the library."
"But aren't we going to thank Rarity-"
"I'll send her a card let's just get back to the library."
- - - - - - - -
Disturbing revelations aside, Fluttershy and I made it back to the library just as the sun was getting low in the sky. But when we walked in through the library doors, we were surprised to see that Twilight and Spike were already back. Both of them were poring through books, Twilight perusing them rapidly and then setting them aside and Spike flipping through them and tossing them when he was done.
"Hey Twilight, hey Spike," I said. Twilight and Spike looked up. My marefriend smiled at me... And her smile held, though a bit uncertainly, as she saw Fluttershy.
"Oh, hi Andrew, hi Fluttershy," she said. Fluttershy smiled back, but there was a definite tension in it.
"Hello Spike, Twilight..."
I looked between the two mares I deeply cared for, maybe even loved, and mentally sighed.
"So, what's up?" I asked Twilight. I looked to Spike, who was rolling his eyes at our tension. "Enjoy yourselves?"
"It was all right," Spike said. "We're just looking for information about, ya know, dragons." He turned his eyes back to the book, quickly reading through it before tossing it with a scowl.
"Yes. Spike is a bit interested in his origins," Twilight said. Spike shot Twilight a look, and Fluttershy coughed.
"Um... Could we help?" She asked.
"Well, it might go faster with a few eyes, but what about your thing with dragons?" Twilight asked with more than a little tension. Fluttershy tapped her hooves together, but held her ground.
"Well... Books of dragons wouldn't give me any trouble," Fluttershy said. "And I'm sure that... That I can be just as much help to Spike as you."
Twilight narrowed her eyes. "Oh? You can?"
Fluttershy startled at the change in Twilight's tone, but narrowed her eyes back. "Certainly..."
I coughed, and looked between the two of them.
"... Uhh... I was going to go thank Rarity for the suit of armor-"
"Oh yes! I noticed that, it looks great on you!" Twilight said cheerfully. She was at my side in an instant. "Lavender is a very nice color! I mean, you practically match me!"
"Actually, it's more purple," Fluttershy said. "Um, I mean, they are off of Spike when he was in his big form..."
"What?!" Spike gasped. "You mean you're wearing my skin?!"
"Take it as a compliment, Puff," I said flatly, tugging on the armor. "Looks better on me than it ever did you."
"Oh yeah? It makes you look like a big, scaly grape!" Spike growled back.
"Takes one to know one!" I shot back, bending down to glare right into his eyes. Spike snorted.
"I'm not squishy on the inside like you, ya big stupid monkey!"
"Big talk from a bipedal salamander!"
"Big talk from a bipedal ape!"
"Apes are bipedal and I'm not an ape!"
"Yeah you are! A stupid hairless monkey!"
"Monkeys aren't apes!"
"It's an insult! It doesn't have to make sense!" Spike shouted.
"Yes it does!"
"Does not!"
Behind us, Fluttershy and Twilight looked at eachother. My marefriend sighed and chuckled a bit.
"Funny huh? Them fighting over nothing," Twilight said. Fluttershy laughed, just as nervous.
"Hahaha... Oh... Yes... Nothing," she said. They continued to stare at each other.
Unfortunately I chose to ignore this in favor of the far less awkward option of arguing with Spike. Looking back, I was pretty much begging for a situation where I would have to man up or shut up. But I am the kind of guy who requires a brick thrown at my head from God to snap myself out of my funks, so it really isn't that surprising that I would later get a proverbial brick slamming into my head.
And by brick, I mean dragons. Big, scary dragons.
- - - - - - -
The hike up the volcano side was arduous, and I felt sweat pouring down my brow. I breathed hard in my helmet, and sucked on the nearby straw for another bit of precious drinking water. My thirst was only moderately relieved, but it was enough that I could at least maintain my focus on the ascent.
The helmet over my head was in the shape of a dragon's head, with black mesh cloth over my face to disguise my face as nothing but still allow me to see. On my back, glittery wings had been bolted. A cheap looking tail which housed my water swung behind me, clanking a bit. And my gloves now had claws. From a distance, or to a particularly stupid person, I would look nothing less than a man-sized dragon.
And I was thankful for that.
Above me, dragons flew. Hundreds of them, of all shapes and sizes. They were circling, coming in for a landing in what I presumed was the volcanic crater, or moving on in the great stream of flying reptiles for their breeding grounds. I was strangely reminded of the vast flocks of geese back home that would fly over my house, bound for a nearby lake during their great migrations. Both sights were breathtaking, beautiful in their own ways.
It's just that geese are far less likely to eat or barbecue you if you got too close.
"Grr..." I growled, pulling myself over another boulder. The ascent up the volcano was ending, I hoped. Unlike the mountains I'd climbed in Colorado, there weren't a lot of false summits to raise your spirits and then dash them. It was all just one big, long hike, scrambling up in a heavy suit of armor modified to make me at least resemble a man-sized dragon.
Confused? Let me back up for a moment...
- - - - - -
After Twilight had separated us, Spike and myself joined her and Fluttershy in researching dragons. Throughout the night we had read, through volume after volume. Nothing on what it meant to be a dragon. Nothing on dragon behavior. Not much on dragons period, save for anatomy, habits, and several warnings of "Do Not Mess With".
I turned my tired eyes up to the windows, and found myself unsurprised it was morning. I looked over at Twilight, who was still reading despite her hair being a mess and her eyes heavy.
A fearsome glance over at Fluttershy, who was in the same state but determinedly still reading, let me know just why the research had gone on so long. I mentally sighed, and looked over at Spike. He too was still reading, though at least the reasons for him doing so were less likely to cause me trouble.
Oh, how I miss those naive days of youth...
"Good morning~!" Cried a familiar voice. We all looked up to see Rarity enter the library, along with Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.
"Eh? What's with you guys? Reading slumber party?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"No," Twilight said, barely containing a yawn.
"We've been researching dragons for Spike," Fluttershy said, also yawning deeply.
"But we haven't found anything," Spike said. Rarity tutted, and trotted up to Spike. She nuzzled the young dragon, which much to my surprise didn't elicit so much as a blush.
"Now Spike, there's absolutely no reason to fret!" Rarity said kindly. "You're just fine the way you are! A cutesy, wootsy little Spike-Wikey~..."
Spike sighed heavily. "But... What if that's not what I want to be?"
"Well, how are you going to find that out?" Pinkie Pie asked. "It's not like you could just go on the Great Dragon Migration!" Pinkie rubbed her chin and hummed. She then smiled. "Oh yeah! It totally is like that!"
"That's a great idea!" Spike said with a grin. Rainbow Dash snorted.
"Woah woah woah! Hang on Spike! Don't you have to be able to, ya know, fly to migrate?"
"I have to get there somehow," Spike said, clenching his fist. Twilight smiled.
"Well then, we can just go with you!" She said. She glanced in my direction, and I nodded.
"Yeah. That's not a problem," I said, trying very hard not to think about all the fire breathing dragons that would be waiting to gobble us up. That doesn't tend to help.
"I-I'd love to go too!" Fluttershy said.
"Me too!"
"Yeah!"
The other mares all volunteered as well. Spike shook his head.
"No," Spike said. "Thanks, but no. This is something I've got to do on my own. To find out where I fit in. I mean, I'm the only dragon in Ponyville. How am I supposed to find out how a dragon is supposed to be here?" He looked at me quite seriously. "I've never had anyone to show me how to be a dragon... And if I don't find out on my own..."
I felt a tug on my heart as I realized I understood him perfectly. I slowly nodded.
"Spike, it could be dangerous!" Rarity said.
"It will be dangerous," Applejack deadpanned. "Most dragons ain't nowhere near as nice as you!"
"Maybe," Spike said, a determined look on his face. "But I need to find out for myself." He packed up a few things in a backpack, and made for the door. Pinkie Pie moved out of the way, and he strode off for the mountains. Twilight sighed, and shook her head. Dashlooked between us, scowling.
"You're just letting him go?" Dash asked incredulously.
"It's what he wants," Twilight said. I nodded in turn.
"Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do," I said. At the stares I got from the others, I coughed. "Or dragon, in this case."
"But letting him go off alone like that!" Rarity wailed. Twilight smiled.
"Don't worry... He won't be going alone. He'll just think he's going alone. We're going to follow him!"
"Um, but Twilight, Spike is a dragon. We're ponies. Those are dragons, dragons," Fluttershy said. "They might welcome him but they most certainly will not welcome us!"
Twilight's smile changed tone as she looked up at me. "Not unless we have our own dragon."
I stared at her in dawning, horrified comprehension. The rest of the mares figured it out, Fluttershy announcing her realization with a gasp.
"No," I said flatly.
"Um..." Fluttershy tried.
"Come on Andrew!" Twilight pleaded. "Spike will need our help!"
"Er..." She tried again.
"And he's a dragon going among dragons," I said flatly. "How much help could he need?"
"Excuse me..."
"Andrew, please," Rarity begged, holding her hooves together. "My Spikey-Wikey could use your help, and you've already got most of a disguise done!" She rubbed her chin in thought. "And I could easily make a complete one, I've got everything I need back at the shop..."
"No, no, no, NO!" Fluttershy finally broke, shocking everypony. "You're not sending Andrew into a den of horrible, mean, nasty, meat eating fire breathing dragons!"
"Yeah!" Dash said. She grinned. "Not without backup!"
"Not even with backup!" Fluttershy practically shrieked. "You can't send him, you just can't!"
"We'll be with him every step of the way, ready to intervene!" Twilight said. She looked to me imploringly. "Please Andrew? I know you don't want to let Spike go alone any more than I do..."
I grumbled, looked to the side... And sighed. She was right. I slowly turned my head.
"All right," I said, trying to ignore Fluttershy's pale expression. "But I swear to God, I had better not be going in purple," I stated, indicating my armor.
"Of course you won't just be going around in purple!" Rarity said with a laugh. "Why, just purple would be absurd!"
I nodded. "Good."
- - - - - -
I sighed and reached up to check the fins on my dragon helmet. My neon green fins.
"Double dealing no good deceiving pony temptress..." I muttered.
"What was that? Andrew, repeat, over? I couldn't hear you," came Twilight's voice over the magic headset in the helmet. She was safely far away with the others in a hot air balloon. I sighed.
"Nothing dear," I said flatly. I grunted and pulled myself up, climbing again. Higher, higher, and higher I went. The lip of the crater came into view, and with a last grunt of exertion, I yanked myself up.
I finally cleared the lip of the volcano crater, and peered down. I gaped in disbelief.
Dragons. Hundreds of them of all sizes, colors and shapes littered the volcanic crater. And Spike was headed for a rowdy, rambunctious group of them. I sighed.
"Dragons... Why'd it have to be dragons?" I muttered.
Resigned, I started on my way down.
- - - - - - -
As I descended into the volcanic crater, I found myself analyzing the layout of the dragons themselves. Being a professional anthropologist/archaeologist... Well, qualified anthropologist/archaeologist anyway (Professional meaning I got paid regularly for it), I couldn't help but try to understand the complex social interactions going on here. I was basically in unknown territory-Literally seeing dragons, and close enough to get an idea of their social life. I felt a bit like Jane Goodall, or Daniel Jackson from SG-1.
Hopefully I wouldn't be dying repeatedly like the latter. Or even once. Once would be bad.
The biggest dragons laid on the edges of the crater, finding outcrops of rock to rest upon or just sitting on beds of volcanic ash ringing the crater. On the wide plain that formed the interior of the crater were dragons that got no bigger than an elephant. Dragons in between these sizes, I noted, were circling overhead along with a few in the larger size range. The majority of the dragons though were flying still ever southward, so I gathered this volcano was simply a rest stop before the next leg of the journey.
A dragon turned its eyes to me as I passed it, and I hesitated for a moment.
"Andrew, you okay? You've stopped moving," Twilight said.
"A dragon... It's looking at me," I muttered.
"Just don't make eye contact," Fluttershy suggested. "Just don't look it in the eyes, keep walking, and it will leave you alone... Probably."
"Probably?!" I hissed.
"Do it!" Dash shouted. I looked away and kept my eyes straight ahead.
"Try to walk more like... Like a bear," Fluttershy said, a tremble in her voice. "Remember, you're a hulking dragon. You lean forward and leer when you walk, because you're a horrible flesh eating monster!"
"I can't leer, my face doesn't move," I said flatly. Nevertheless I focused on changing my walk, bunching up my shoulders and leaning forward.
I could feel the eyes of the great reptile for a few seconds more, before it looked elsewhere. I let out a sigh of relief and kept going, my eyes on the tiny purple form of Spike among a group of dragons no taller than me nearby a lava pit. They surrounded Spike, leering and laughing and shoving each other. It was very familiar for some reason...
"Hahaha! Well well, lookit the runt!" A red dragon laughed abrasively as I got within earshot. "I’m Garble!” He said, pounding his armored chest. “What's yer name, twerp?"
"Uh, Sp-Spike!"
"What? Who is that?" Rarity asked. "Is he talking about my Spikey-Wikey?!"
"And where are you from?" Garble asked. Spike smiled guilelessly, every part of him screaming “fresh meat”.
“Ponyville!”
The older dragons broke out into laughter, as Spike began to frown. That confused, helpless look on his face... The way the dragons were acting like position jockeying douchebags...
Holy shit, I thought, these are teenaged dragons.
Or at least the dragon equivalent.
“What the hay? Spike’s run into bullies!” Dash growled. “Kick their tails!”
“No!” I hissed.
“Check it out guys! We’ve got ourselves a hybrid: half-pony, half-dragon!” Garbles laughed. Spike glared up at Garble.
“Who, me? I'm not part pony! I'm all dragon, see? Raar!” Spike clawed at the air, quite ineffectually.
“Or maybe you're a pony in a dragon costume,” Garble mocked. More laughter broke out, and I felt my hot sweat turn cold. I tried to look non-chalant, tried to be ignored... But Garbles looked up at me, looked down at Spike, and grinned.
“Oho? And what’s this?” Garble grinned. “We got another half-pony here?”
Spike looked over at me and gaped. Realization flooded his eyes, and I decided to ask myself a very important question:
What would Batman do?
I stalked right up to Garbles, cracked my heck (thankful the helmet allowed me to do that), reared back and punched him right in the nose.
“GWARGH?!” Garbles stepped back, off balance. I charged and checked him, hockey style, right into the lava pit. I turned to face the stunned dragons as Garbles sputtered, and I growled.
“Any one else want to crack jokes about dragons from Ponyville?” I snarled. I looked around, hoping the Power Rangers-like helmet I wore would be at least a little intimidating. As I wasn’t being burnt alive I gathered it was succeeding.
“Who in the name of the Pit are you?!” Garble demanded as he clawed his way out of the lava pit.
“I’m... Smaug,” I said, as Garbles loomed up over me, the heat radiating from the lava still clinging to his skin. I was sweating like crazy-It was probably only thanks to the dragon hide that I wasn’t bursting into flame already. “Smaug the Dragon. Spike is my little brother.”
Garble glared at me for a while more, and I thought I was about to get a face full of fire. He then grinned and laughed.
“So! Ponyville dragons have got some sacs, eh? All right!” He turned to the other dragons. “Let’s welcome Smaug and Spike!”
The other dragons blew fire and cheered, and I felt my tension drop a bit. Even as Spike glared at me. If I was smart, I’d have been more cautious, but going into a dragon den pretty much established just how smart I was...
- - - - - - -
Well, I’m in it now. I hope you find it worth the wait as I close in on my final final! Will he pass? Will he fail? Will he finish this arc? Stay tuned to answers to these questions! Probably!
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
The dragon gang from then on enjoyed themselves immensely, slapping each other on the back, pushing each other into lava pits, and chowing down on goats and gems. I took a spot on the edge of the group, and Spike joined me with a resentful expression.
"You didn't have to come here," he muttered to me. I passed him a gem I'd been tossed for food, and maintained a careful vigil. The rest of the dragons seemed more occupied with eating and joking amongst themselves than looking our way. Though I'd been accepted, the looks Garbles and what appeared to be his crew gave me were guarded. Like I was now a threat to his dominance in the group.
"Sure I did," I said softly. "If it's dangerous and stupid have you ever not known me to do it?"
Spike just kept glowering. I sighed.
"Besides, Twilight and the others..."
"They're here too?" Spike asked in disbelief, looking suspiciously over at a very odd green dragon named Crackle, who was imitating a bird on a stone mound some distance away.
"Just to keep an eye on you-"
"This is what I was talking about!" Spike growled angrily. His glare was baleful. "I'm never going to figure out who or what I am if you don't stop trying to protect me!"
"Tell him we're fully accepting of his life choices but we just want to be near enough to keep an eye on him if something goes wrong!" Twilight said over my headset.
"If he gets in over his head, wouldn't he prefer to have us there?" Rarity added.
"It's really just for his own good," Fluttershy said.
I thought about everything they said, and I looked down a the glowering Spike.
I sighed. "I know," I said. "You're right."
"EH?!" Cried the ponies.
"So relax," I said. "We won't stand in your way."
Spike looked up, blinking. "Really?"
"Nope," I said.
"HEY! FIRE BELCHING CONTEST!" Garbles yelled. "Let's see who can make the biggest!" He grinned over at me. "Hey! Smaug, you want in on this?"
"No," I said, "but I think Spike," and here I looked over at him, "would like to do it. Right?"
Spike blinked a few times, and then grinned. "Yeah!" He ran off, leaving Garbles to laugh.
"Hahaha! Putting your little bro through the wringer, huh Smaug?" He asked.
"Let's just say I'm not feeling up to it," I said calmly. Garbles smirked and turned. The rest of the dragons joined him as they lined up for the competition.
"Andrew, you should have explained our position! Now he's going to do reckless things!" Twilight protested.
"You mean, like joining the dragon migration as a baby dragon?" I asked.
"He has a point," Dash said.
"Still!" Rarity said.
"Relax," I said. "t's like he said, he has to figure this out on his own and us telling him that would be kind of redundant. Besides, I'm sure he'll be fine..."
The sounds of several dragon belches were heard, as flames shot into the sky. They were followed by a very pathetic looking burp, and the clatter of a scroll.
"What's this? 'Dear Twilight Sparkle, from Princess Celestia...?' HA! You burp puny pony crap!" Garbles laughed, joined by the rest of the dragons. I looked over at Spike, who bore this humiliation as best he could.
"... Probably..."
- - - - - - -
Unfortunately, in the other tests of Spike's capabilities as a dragon, he fell pretty damn short. Quite literally, especially in the case of "dragon toss". In each of these events though, to help him out I declined to participate.
I mean, tail wrestling? My tail would have been torn to shreds and then I'd have been screwed.
King of the hill? I only shoved that dragon into the lava because I caught him off guard. I didn't fancy scrambling up the hill in this heavy armor anyway.
The worst contest though? Lava diving.
Yes, the dragons would jump off the cliff into a pool of molten lava to make a huge splash. As we stood up atop the cliff, Garble grinned nastily at all the gathered dragons.
"All right... Whoever makes the biggest splash, wins! Ready?"
As before, Spike shot a glare at me to keep me from interfering. I slowly nodded, and backed away.
"What's he doing?" Twilight asked. "Come on, tell me!"
"ALL RIGHT!" Garble shouted. "COME ON! LET'S GO!" He jumped in, casuing a huge splash of molten rock to erupt from where he hit. The other dragons followed, one at a time, until only myself and Spike were left.
"Oh? Not gonna participate again, Smaug?" Garble taunted with a grin.
"As I recall, you're the only one who likes to go swimming in lava, Garble," I stated calmly. The other dragons laughed, and Garble growled but said nothing else. He looked over at Spike, peering uneasily over the edge, and snorted smoke.
"You gonna chicken out too, Pony?" He asked.
Spike started, glared down, and closed his eyes. He then took a step backwards, and leaped off the top of the cliff. I watched him fall, down, down, down... Until he hit the lava hard. The other dragons gaped in amazement, even Garble.
"Woah... What a belly flop!" Garble said.
"Ugh... How was that...?" Spike asked. The red dragon grinned.
"Nobody's ever done that before! You're one heck of a dragon!" Garble said. The other dragons hooted and cheered, and I allowed myself to smile.
"Looks like he's finally been accepted," I said, as I slowly made my way back down to the crater floor.
"That's wonderful!" Rarity said. "He's doing great! I knew he could do it!"
"So, um, mission accomplished? Can Andrew come back now?" Fluttershy asked. "I-I mean, we can keep an eye on Spike from here..."
"No, we still need him around," Twilight vetoed.
"It's very dangerous though, I think he should come back," Fluttershy insisted.
"I don't think so. And I think he agrees with me," Twilight said coldly.
"I think he'd like to leave now," Fluttershy said, just as coldly.
"And I think he'll stay!" Twilight said.
"Andrew doesn't have to listen to you!" Fluttershy growled.
"He doesn't, but he likes to!"
"Not in this case!"
"Uh, guys...?" I tried, but the arguing continued. It faded a bit, and Rarity coughed.
"Sorry Andrew darling, it seems they're having it out..."
"Want us to give you the blow by blow? Mane pulling includied?" Rainbow Dash asked dryly.
I sighed. "No thanks."
"You really should do something about this, you know," Rarity said.
"Seriously."
"I know, I know," I said.
"OI! SMAUG! GET OVER HERE!" Garble shouted. "CONGRATULATE YOUR BROTHER!" He grinned nastily. "Or are you just gonna talk to yourself?"
I growled. "One problem at a time..."
- - - - - - -
Garble was kind of like that schoolyard hot shot. You know the one. The kinda guy without a soul who struts about like he owns the place, enforcing power through the theft of milk-money and a posse of equally big guys watching his back. How do I know he doesn’t have a soul? Hell, the guy’s a ginger.
He only paid me some respect because I earned it the only way you could with a bully-By kicking his ass but not rubbing it in too much. Still, after Spike had proven himself he seemed more focused on bonding rather than competing. As the shadows grew long around the volcanic crater, he had the dragons sit down around a small pool of lava. He grinned nastily, the setting sun casting his features into stark relief.
“Alright, you scale bags,” Garble started as he sat Spike down right next to him. “Scary story time.”
My eyes rolled out of pure instinct. Oh boy.
“What kind of story are we talkin’ about, Garble?” one of Garble’s friends piped up. Another one of ‘those.’ This dragon was the small snitch-type that hung around the bigger kids, reeling around their shoulder and attempting to look tough just ‘cause he hung with the tough kids. “Huh, Garble?” he continued sucking up to the taller dragon. “What kind of stories we gonna tell, Garble?”
Garble quickly silenced him – for all our sanity’s sake – with the threat of a pimp-slap. “We’re talking about...” a wide, toothy and evil grin spread across the teenager’s face.
As instinctive as my eye-rolling came, came a cold shiver. Just that look in the dragon’s eyes, I could tell this was all going to end in tears.
“Humans.”
Everyone gasped. The little suck-up snitch stiffened like he had suffered a fatal heart attack and slipped from his perch.
Spike scratched his head, completely unfazed. “Uhhhhh...”
I derped. What? That was pretty much what I wanted to cry out. Unfortunately I’d have to sit out on the explanation on this one, for the sake of my cover... and the soft contents of my fleshy body that I would like to remain internal.
“Humans ain’ real, Garble. They can’t be real, can they Garble?” the snitch dragon squeaked, quaking in fear.
“Oh, they’re real.” Garble’s voice went low and sinister. “You’re looking into the psyche of cold blooded killers. Monsters of a whole other world that have rended the flesh of countless ancient dragons. You’re learning of... humans.” I could hear the Twilight Zone theme playing away in the back of my head, even as I wrestled with the implications.
“I heard they can kill a dragon with a stare.” One of Garble’s friends shuddered. Garble smacked him over the head.
“No you idiot!” Garble scolded. “They kill dragons with magic wands.”
I coughed. “Magic wands?” I blurted out, hardly disguising my voice.
So terror struck, the dragons didn’t even notice the change in my tone.
“Magic wands.” Garble confirmed. “Great branches of steel, they spit hellfire and metal, enough of it to break dragon-armour and pluck us right out of the sky!”
His friends gasped with terror.
Spike and I sat by confused, casting each other a furtive glance. Were they talking about normal humans? As in... my species?
“Normally two legged creatures, almost like monkeys but without the hair. They have grotesque rounded ears and patches of fur that cover their faces like masks of shadow. Lost, pig eyes they can look right into your brain and steal your thoughts," Garble hissed.
“They wear a second layer of skin over their bodies, sometimes metal, sometimes the very scales of their dragon victims.” Garble continued, his voice low and menacing. “And if you try to bite them, your teeth will shatter like glass. They can see and watch you always, their eyes glowing an eerie green glow in the night, and they can see as clear as day. They move with the shadows, blending into any environment, treading quietly the borders of light and dark. They’ll eat anything to survive, from plants to the flesh of our fallen brethren. They’ll cut you open without a second thought, pull out all your warm bits and cook you up in a stew! They’ll even find you momma’s unhatched eggs and snatch them away to scramble ‘em up and have ‘em for breakfast. And if you try to fly away...”
One of the dragons was hugging his tail for comfort...
“They’ll follow you on a flying chariot of steel, trailing fire hotter than any dragon’s blaze!”
Guns and jets? I thought in disbelief. But Twilight said they had no records of humans...
“Then we can hide underwater.” One dragon said shakily. “Our fire may go out, but no-one can hold their breath as long as a dragon... r-right?”
“You fool.” Garble whispered with his eyes narrowed. “They don’t need to hold their breath. They carry bubbles of air on their back and can survive without fresh air for as long as any dolphin! You cannot run...” he paused for dramatic effect. “And you cannot hide.”
I gulped, feeling strangely vulnerable.
“The humans will hunt you, and they will find you... and they will kill you," he finished, flaring his wings out dramatically. The other dragons gasped in fright, huddling around each other, while Spike and myself sat in some disbelief. Garble stared and snorted.
"What? You Ponyville pansies aren't scared of humans?"
"Of... Course not," Spike said bravely. "They're just a... A fairy tale!"
"Oh? You brave enough to face humans, huh?" Garble asked. He grinned. "Then how about a little... Excursion?" He grabbed Spike, and took off. "Come on! We're going phoenix hunting!"
"Ah?! Wait, hang on!" Spike cried.
"Hold it Garble!" I called. Garble grinned down nastily at me.
"Follow us! If you can keep up!" He taunted, flying off with a few of the other dragons. The remaining dragons stared at me, and I tried to stand up straight.
"Well... Guess I'm going phoenix hunting," I said, striding for the lip of the volcano crater.
This was going to end badly, I just knew it...
- - - - - -
As I scrambled my way up the slope of the crater, my headset buzzed.
"Andrew? Andrew, can you hear me?" Twilight asked.
"Loud and clear. We've got a problem." I began.
"What?"
"A couple of dragons took Spike," I said. "They're headed off to go hunting for phoenixes."
There was a chorus of feminine gasps over the radio.
"That's dangerous! He might be burned alive! Even dragons can't handle phoenix fire well!" Twilight gasped.
"Did you see where they went? Where did they take my Spike-Wikey?!" Rarity demanded.
"They're headed..." I squinted in the direction of the sun, retraced the course... "North-east I think."
"Can you get a better view?" Twilight asked.
"If I got to the top of the crater wall, yes," I said.
"Good! Get out of there, quickly but carefully!" Fluttershy said. "Try to find them by looking from the top, then get out of there!"
"No, then they'll be suspicious," Twilight argued. "He needs to stay put where it's safe!"
"Safe does not belong in the same LANGUAGE as DRAGON," Fluttershy practically snarled. I could imagine Rarity holding a hoof to her forehead-I knew I would be.
I really need to resolve this... Have us talk this out, them in human form so it's easier to read them... Maybe with a mud pit and bikinis-SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
"It's a little late for me to stay put anyway," I pointed out, grunting as I pulled myself over a boulder. "I'm almost out of the crater."
"Good!" Fluttershy said. I could hear Twilight's teeth grinding over the radio. Man, was I in for it. Odd that that was what I was dreading, more than the dragons even!
Well... Okay, not very odd at all.
"All right, can you see where they took Spike?" Asked Twilight, with a resigned sigh.
I huffed, and cleared the crater. I sighed, enjoying even the slight dip in the temperature outside the volcanic crater. I shielded my eyes with my glove, and I could make out faint shapes in the distance.
"There," I said. "I can see them! Let's see... Sixty degrees, by..." I did a rough guess with a rock's shadow nearby, "fifty, maybe... Four miles away, fading fast!"
"Good! Rainbow Dash is pushing the balloon hard," Twilight said. "And... yes, I can see you!"
I scanned the skies. "I can't see you..."
"I made the balloon invisible," Twilight explained. "It was rough but it was the best way to let it approach this close... Where did you think we were?"
I had a sudden mental image of a very silly, and poorly made dragon costume supported by four ponies. I shook my head clear of the odd thought.
"Nevermind."
I looked down the slope and sighed. It was steep and covered in boulders, and steam drifted up from piles of rocks that were probably bits of molten rock the volcano had burped up. Below that were miles of forest, with rivers snaking across them. Here I was decked out in heavy armor, at best resembling a poor Power Rangers monster. Low on water, no food, armed only with my sword.
"We can swing around to pick you up," Fluttershy said. "Rainbow Dash is just fast enough to catch up."
"What do you mean, just fast enough?" Dash demanded. I relaxed and smiled.
Thank you God. Thank you.
It was then I felt two pairs of grasping claws on my shoulders, and I flew up.
"Eh?!" I cried, and I looked to my sides quickly. Two of the teenaged dragons were carrying me up, grinning at me from either side. I felt almost weightless, carried by the two teenaged dragons. I was just feeling very happy all of a sudden that I hadn't eaten anything in a while.
"Hey, c'mon Smaug!" The one on the right said tauntingly.
"You gonna go phoenix hunting with your brother, ain'tcha?" The other snickered.
"Andrew! Andrew, are you all right?!" Fluttershy cried.
"What's-Stay calm! We'll think of something, just stay calm!" Twilight cried, not sounding calm at all.
"Ah, look fellas, I appreciate the lift but if you don't let me go, I'm going to twist your tails off like twigs," I said with a growl. The two dragons looked uneasy, sheepish.
"Ah, right Smaug."
"No problem Smaug! We were just wondering why you weren't flying."
"I mean, it is a little unusual-"
"Tails. Twisted right off. Like that," I said, snarling low in my throat. The two dragons gulped.
"No problem, Smaug!"
"Whatever you say!"
"Good," I said.
And then they let me go.
"ANDREWWWWW!" Screamed in my helmet as I plummeted for the valley floor below.
And strangely, I wasn't screaming with the ponies. No, the only thing I could say as I fell to my doom was:
"... I probably should have seen that coming."
Amazing how articulate you can be when faced with a messy death from several thousand feet up.
- - - - - -
I edited up the ending to make the story a bit longer. I hope you enjoy the addition! And I'll be getting my degree in only a matter of weeks! Huzzah!
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
So yeah. I was falling to my death from several thousand feet up. This was not going to end well. A kind of calmness fell over me as I tumbled, the ground coming up fast below me. Like I could accept my demise. I was dying on an alien world, who knew how far from home, dressed in a dragon costume to keep an eye over the little brother of my pony girlfriend.
It was so absurd, what use would my anger be?
The air burned brightly around him, and I felt myself grow lightheaded. Purple energies flooded my vision, and I felt confused and afraid.
What the...? What’s going on? What-?
Then a sensation it’s difficult to describe. I felt squished into nothing, while simultaneously I was stretched to infinity. It was like I could see my home on Earth, and Ponyville, and hundreds of other places I had never seen before...
SPLAT!
And then I was eating mud.
“PFFT!” I flailed around, sinking fast into a foul, stinking, soft mass. I pulled my head up, gasping for breath but only getting some kind of goo in my mouth. I coughed and groaned, some of the gunk had gotten into my eyes, leaking through my helmet. I frantically undid the restraints and yanked it off, spitting up more of the crap into the soft mass. I sat up, wincing in the dim light.
“Nngh...” I managed to stand, though unsteadily, as I got my bearings.
I was in a mud pit in a forest. I could see the glow of the volcano, which loomed up high behind me, so it wasn’t too far away from the dragon encampment.
The sun was setting, and I could hear the sounds of the forest. Chirps, squawks, buzzes, growls...
I sighed and wiped my face off. “Yep... I’m slightly less screwed than I was before...”
Now now, you shouldn’t think like that. Try to be positive. Was this really worse than falling to my death from a thousand feet up?
“HEY, SMAUG!” Bellowed the voice of one of the dragons who had dropped me. “WHERE ARE YA?”
… Yes, yes it was. I waded through the muck, trying to get to the nearby trees for some cover while wondering how the hell the dragon had found me.
“HOW’D YOU PULL THAT FLASHY TRICK, ANYWAY?” Shouted the other dragon. “IT WAS SO COOL!”
Well, that explained it. Twilight had probably teleported me to safety. From long range though, I didn’t imagine it was particularly easy. I’d seen how exhausted she got just by teleporting herself across town-Teleporting me down to the ground minus my dangerous momentum couldn’t have been a piece of cake.
The two dragons had fallen silent, but I heard some muttering and growling. I grimaced and paused my egress. I had developed a sense around predators, and right now it was screaming “You’re about to become dragon chow.” I considered my options. I had to come up with a plan.
“RAWR!” They bellowed in unison, and I heard their wings flapping furiously from behind.
… Screw it! I thought. I drew my sword, spun around, and waved my arms in the air as I bellowed a challenge.
“I’M SO NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR BULLSHIT NOW!” I roared.
Well more of a complaint, but it seemed to get the job done. The two dragons’ eyes widened to the size of baseballs and they veered off, flying into the trees behind me and crashing.
“AHH!”
“ARGH!”
I blinked a few times, and turned around. The two dragons had smashed into another mud pit, and were scrambling to escape.
“N-No! NO!” Shouted one, a bloated green one. “It’s a-It’s a-!”
“HUMAN!” His friend, a bronze colored dragon, was trying to get airborne but the mud was holding his wings down. I blinked.
Why the hell are they acting like this? It’s like I’m some sort of...
Garble’s story echoed in my mind, and I smiled.
… Boogeyman.
“That’s right,” I said with a growl, brandishing my sword and baring my teeth. “A human.”
“H-He’s wearing Smaug’s skin!” Whimpered the bronze one. I laughed villainously, and licked my lips in a manner similar to Hannibal Lecter.
“That’s right... Good for a first course, but you never know,” I growled, “I might feel hungry again,”
“N-No! No! Please, don’t! DON’T!” Cried the bloated green dragon. I took slow, careful steps towards them as they writhed in the mud, panicking like crazy. I lifted my sword up, and they squealed like stuck pigs.
“... However,” I said flatly, “I might have... Some... Small use for the both of you,” I growled.
The two dragons looked up, and nodded frantically.
“Yes! Yes, anything!” They said. “Anything at all, Lord Human!”
The bronze one even tried to kiss my feet. I tolerated it, before glaring at him.
“All right, all right, enough grovelling,” I snarled. The bronze dragon withdrew, cringing in terror. “Now... Here is what I want you two morons to do...”
- - - - - -
I’m not going to lie: Riding a dragon? Is freaking metal.
I’m serious-Every metal album ever should have someone riding a dragon on it. Well, every good metal album. Though to be honest, from what I know of metal it seems that the loudest band is the best.
The two dragons were absolutely terrified but they carried him the whole way. The cry of a great and angry bird sounded through the trees, and the cries of ponies... So it was a safe bet I was getting close.
We burst through some trees... And Garble and his three dragon buddies rammed into my steeds, sending all of us to the ground.
I had the feeling it was going to hurt.
“OW!”
And guess what? I was right. I crumpled to the forest floor, my fall broken by one of my steeds as they formed a huge, writhing pile of angry dragons.
“Andrew!” Chorused at me in the sweet voices of Fluttershy, Rarity, Spike and Twilight. I rolled out of the mass and up to my feet, ignoring the flashes of pain throughout my body. I grinned as I limped up to them as quickly as I could, Spike grinning back.
“Given you rescued me before, thought it only proper to return the fav-Mmph!” I was distracted by a kiss from Fluttershy, who had also wrapped her hooves around me. My eyes widened a bit, and I saw Twilight’s angry face flash red.
“Mwah! Sorry! Just so happy to see you,” Fluttershy apologized, leaving me a bit more breathless than I had been. I shook my head, and looked to Twilight.
“Um... Maybe you should yell at me back in Ponyville?”
“Teleport us?” Twilight managed. “I-I can’t!”
The angry growl of Garble behind us punctuated the ball of ice that fell into my stomach. I gaped.
“You can’t?!”
“I burned all my power teleporting you to safety!” Twilight explained quickly. Fluttershy, mindful of Twilight’s temper, had moved away from me as Rarity cleared her throat. I turned and saw the dragons had gotten loose, Garble leading the pack. My two steeds cowered back behind him and the others.
“You’re gonna pay for this you little-”
“OH MY HUMAN LORD!” Rarity cried, leaping up and wrapping her hooves around my shoulders. She pressed her warm face against mine, every inch the thankful servant. “My Lord Andrew, you’ve come to save us!”
“What?! WHAT?!” Garble snarled. I looked back at the dragons, even now hesitating. I looked back at the other ponies and Spike... And slowly nodded.
“Yes... I have arrived.”
“Thank you so much for coming, my lord!” Rarity cried.
“Yes! Your timing is excellent!” Twilight added, getting into the act.
“My Lord! Do not punish us! I-I mean, too badly!” Fluttershy added, bowing down and nuzzling my ankle.
“What’s going on here?” I demanded, bringing myself up to my full height and giving the dragons an intimidating glare. My two steeds from before cowered. Garble snarled, angry, while his buddies stared in confusion and growing fear. Spike leaped into action, pointing a claw at the dragons in accusation.
“These dragons were going to devour us!” Spike cried. I allowed myself a dangerous smile, and felt gratified when all of the dragons but Garble looked shaken. Even he was hesitating.
“Were they now?” I asked, growling low in my throat as I rested my hand on my sword.
“And do horrible, terrible, naughty things to us, your loyal concubines!” Rarity gasped, nuzzling my neck.
“Ye-What?” Twilight muttered.
“Y-Yes! YES! THEY WERE!” Fluttershy gasped. I growled again, and the dragons save for Garble cowered.
“N-No we weren’t!” One of my steeds cried.
“Who are you? What are you?!” Garble demanded.
“Th-That's a human, Garble! IT'S A HUMAN!” My other steed whimpered, and all of the dragons wailed.
“IT'S A REAL HUMAN! IT KILLED SMAUG AND IT'S WEARING HIS SKIN FOR ARMOR!” My first steed cried. All but Garble were now terrified.
“S-So?! So what?! He... I-I made it up!” The young dragon growled. “There’s no such thing! You can’t-!”
My eyebrows twitching, I decided to channel my exasperation into rage. I drew my sword, and all of the dragons stepped back. I took a deep breath.
“I! AM! ANDREW SHEPARD! HUMAN LORD OF EQUESTRIA!” I bellowed as loudly as I could, shaking my shining sword. “I HAVE SLAIN A THOUSAND DRAGONS, TURNED MOUNTAINS TO RUBBLE, AND RIDDEN ATOP THE BACKS OF GODDESSES!”
I lowered my blade and pointed it at Garble, fire in my eyes. To aid in the effect, my friends cowered behind me. I grinned. “If you seek to die, you’ve come to the right man.”
“BAH! Shout all you w-want!” Garble managed with a strangled squeak. “W-We'll slaughter you! Right guys?” He blinked. “Guys...?”
He looked over his shoulder. The other dragons... Were long gone. Garble gulped, and looked back at me. I smirked.
“Well?
“Oh please, I'll do anything! DON'T KILL ME-HE-HEEEE!” Garble sobbed like a baby, throwing himself at my feet. Spike rolled his eyes, and Rarity and Fluttershy looked ready to leave. Twilight, however, had ideas other than fleeing.
“Well... Why don't you tell us how you know so much about humans?” She came up to my side, and at Rarity's prompting, she bowed her head. “If my Lord wishes it so?” She asked tentatively. I turned back to the bawling Garble, and put a note of authority into my voice.
“Yes, where did you get your stories of my glorious race?”
“We... M-My mother told me about them! Humans in metal chariots, metal wands, weapons that...” Garble paused. “Wait, how do you know about that?”
“His human super senses,” Fluttershy said in a very spooky voice, her eyes wide as she stared at him. “He knows all, and sees all.”
Garble gaped.
“E-Even-?”
“Especially that!” Fluttershy admonished, and Garble whimpered.
“You should be ashamed. Hmph,” I added imperiously. Twilight continued her line of questioning. Admittedly, part of me would have preferred to run like hell... But I wanted to know about other humans. I wanted to know where Garble heard this. And Twilight recognized this.
“Where did your mother hear it? Where are you from?” She asked.
“Th-The south! The southern mountains! She said there were old ruins of human war machines down there, long ago! They slaughtered dragons, drove us out of the old lands!”
“O-Oh my...” Fluttershy murmured. I nodded and hummed, trying not to look too eager at this information.
“How positively dreadful!” Rarity said. She looked at me, humming. “My Lord, will you be doing any driving of dragons from these lands?”
“Laying it on a bit thick...” Spike muttered softly. I made a show of thinking it over, making Garble squirm, before I shook my head.
“I'm feeling merciful. I've only come for my concubines and my loyal student. Tell me all that you know, so that I may leave you in peace.”
“Yes! So our glorious Lord can retake his lands and re-establish his mighty kingdom! Oh, it would be glorious! To be draped in jewels and fine silks!” Rarity gasped, nuzzling me. I tried hard not to blush, but, well... It was Rarity. Fluttershy and Twilight both fumed, and neither of them had to act for that.
“Great, you gonna add a third?” Spike mumbled. "Because if you do I will fight you in the streets."
“Rarity,” I said, warningly. She pouted.
“Well now my Lord, surely I could be entitled to some recompense?” She breathed into my ear, and my face flashed red. “For all my... Wonderful service?”
Garble made a face. Fluttershy growled. Twilight glared hot death, at me, and then at Garble.
“You should be speaking, not retching!” Twilight snarled. Garble gulped.
“R-Right! Right! Th-The humans just came out of nowhere! The old dragons had dreams about their war machines, and then boom! Here they came, blasting away, sending us flying in all directions!"
Garble took a deep, shuddering breath.
"For a long time w-we couldn't return! They'd just slaughter any dragons that came! They were in pony country, too! Some with magic, others with those machines! They protected those-those ponies! Slew any dragon that even looked at them funny!”
Twilight frowned. “But there aren't any records of this... None that I've read...” She murmured. I nodded at Garble, sensing we were pushing our luck.
“Is that all?” I asked flatly. Garble shook his head frantically.
“No, no... There were rumors that there was this old temple, out in the badlands north of here, that told everything about humans!”
“Everfree Forest! The badlands!” Twilight gasped in realization.
“That will be all, worm,” I stated flatly, and waved my sword in the direction of the volcano. “Begone! Before I change my mind!”
“Yes your worship, thank you, thank you!” Garble grovelled, and he was soon flying off.
“Wait! Wait!” Twilight called after him. She turned to glare back at me. “He could have told us so much more!”
“I think we took long enough as it is!” Spike said flatly. I slumped a bit, panting for breath as I felt an adrenaline crash looming. I looked to my girlfriend with a sighed.
“Twilight, ask me this. How long could we have put on this act?”
“... Okay, fair point but still!”
“We don't have time to be asking questions at length,” I said. Rarity nodded and smiled, still not leaving my shoulders.
“And we learned a great deal all the same! You're of a long lost, fallen civilization! Like a prince!”
“Right, a prince. It's probably a rusty garage sale by now,” Spike snorted. I gently disentangled myself from Rarity, to appease everyone’s tempers.
“The sooner he was gone, the better,” Fluttershy said. “And um... Probably the same with us.”
“Let’s go find Rainbow Dash then,” Twilight sighed. “She’s got the balloon nearby... And we can talk about this back home,” she said, looking pointedly at me and Fluttershy. Fluttershy blushed guiltily, as did I. I sighed.
Well, I wasn’t dead. Everything after that was negotiable...
- - - - - -
It wasn’t a long hike back to where Rainbow Dash was impatiently minding the balloon in a bare, rocky clearing.
“Well took you guys long enough!” She called. “I’ve been bored stiff!”
I took a step towards Dash... and stopped pretty much immediately. Stretched out before me was a massive chasm, liked something straight out of a Roadrunner Cartoon. Several metres wide, seemingly endlessly deep with only a single thick fallen log stretched over the top like a bridge.
“Oh, good. A chasm.” Clearing my throat I politely stepped aside and indicated the makeshift bridge with a wave. “Err... ladies first.”
They all rolled their eyes as they hopped on and climbed across. Surprised at the lack of vertigo I followed. Falling to my doom and riding on the backs of dragons seemed to have conditioned me to heights.
I gave the log a stamp. “Okay, as long as this log holds I should be fine.” I mused watching Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy carry Twilight, Spike and Rarity respectively on board the balloon. “Should be fine unless a dragon or something jumps on it.”
The almighty powers of jinx kicked in at that very moment. Looking back I saw the foliage near the edge of the chasm explode. A confetti of leaves drizzled to one side to reveal Garble standing there with smoke belching from his nostrils.
“I heard that!” Garble bellowed angrily. “I heard all of it! You’re not a fierce overlord! You’re just a normal guy!”
“I-uhm... uh...” I tapped my chin for a moment before drawing my sword free and waving it in a stylish flourish. “FEAR ME!” I growled.
To no avail.
“NO!” Garble yelled back.
“Rats, foiled again.” I sighed wishing it could have been so easy.
Garble didn’t waste another second, throwing himself in my direction. I raised my sword in defense.
Garble landed a moment later on the mid-section of the log, causing the whole bridge to creak dangerously. Even the dragon seemed to suddenly regret his move, standing there frozen with a worried expression on his face. Another mind-shattering groan rang out as some cracks formed over the log and splinters spat from the buckling bark.
We sat there for a moment, staring at each other wide eyed, every now and then glancing to the chasm below us. The log did not crack any further. After a while of silence we let out a breath of relief, realising we’d dodged a bullet.
As it turned out, the bullet had actually been a boomerang, and came back round to destroy our day.
The log rolled. It displaced and rolled over catching us completely off guard. The motion sent the two of us tumbling over the side and plummeting into the chasm.
At least, Garble was doing a whole lot of plummeting. Much to my shock – and relief – something snagged my foot and held me in place, dangling upside-down over the cold hard ground a very long way below.
“Stupid-STUPID DRAGON!” I yelled down at the falling teenage-dragon.
“I’ll get yooooouuuuuuu!” Garble cried as he disappeared entirely from view. He disappeared in a tiny little puff of smoke erupting upon impact with the ground. He probably even left a Garble-shaped impact crater.
At the time however, wondering if Garble would be walking any time soon was the least of my concerns. My own concern was why I hadn’t plummeted down into the chasm after him. Slowly tilting my head ‘downward,’ I looked up to see what had caught me by the foot.
Of course, for one of my friends to have reached back and caught me by the leg between their hooves would have been too cliché. The ponies were already on board the hot-air balloon, hovering somewhere above me.
One of my shoelaces had snagged on the log’s branches and served as some kind of safety tether, holding me in place.
“Andrew, are you alright?” Fluttershy squeaked as she looked down over the edge of the balloon’s cradle.”
“Gee, why? Do I look not alright?” I shouted back, blood rushing into my head making me feel a little snippy.
I tried curling up to catch myself on one of the stubby branches. Anything to help me pull myself up and out of danger’s reach. Unfortunately my arms were several inches too short.
“Be careful!” Fluttershy offered helpfully.
“The need to be had crossed my mind! Twilight!” I cried with concern for my continued existence within this mortal coil. “You’re going to have to save me!”
Her eyes widening with worry, Twilight hung over the edge of the balloon to look down at me. “But I’m still exhausted from teleporting you earlier!”
“I don’t care, you just have to save me!” I screamed back waving my arms, neglecting the need to hold still.
Plink!
That was when the dreaded sound of fibres snapping caught my attention. Looking back up to my laces I saw the middle section of the taut rope had frayed, several of the fibres plucked loose.
“Oh, c’mon!”
Plink! There went another fibre.
“Twilight!” I cried.
Plink-plink!
“Twilight!”
Plinkplinkplink-...
“TWILIGHT!”
Snap!
I cried out as I fell... about an inch. Something else caught my foot and stopped me from plummeting to my doom after Garble. Swallowing hard, I cracked the fingers covering my eyes and peered upwards.
There I saw Rainbow Dash gripping my leg between her front hooves. Her wings were beating in a rather relaxed fashion, which seemed somewhat impossible since she was not only carrying her own weight, but mine too.
And then I saw Fluttershy, also hanging on to my leg. Her wings were fluttering like that of a dragonfly, her eyes wide with concern as she struggled to hold me up.
Rainbow Dash gave a bored roll of her eyes. “Twilight isn’t the only one capable of heroics, y’know!” she snapped.
“Oh... uh...” I scratched my head awkwardly, having completely forgotten Rainbow Dash was probably the most adept flier in Equestria. “Right. Thanks.”
“Thanks?” Dash peered inquisitively at me.
I sighed tiredly. “Thank you, Rainbow Dash, for saving my life.”
“You’re welcome!” the Pegasus smiled broadly before unmercifully swinging me around in a wide arc.
She was stopped before she could throw me into the balloon’s basket though. Fluttershy gave a tug, trying to pull me from Rainbow Dash’s grip.
“I said I’ve got him!” Fluttershy screamed defiantly with a sudden burst of volume.
It was enough to startle Rainbow Dash into dropping me. I fell screaming a few feet before the cyan Pegasus caught me again.
“HEY!” I yelled up at them. “GETTING A LITTLE ANNOYED DOWN HERE!”
“SORRY!” Fluttershy returned.
- - - - - - -
The trip back to Ponyville was fairly brief, but it did give us enough time for Spike to thank me.
“Thanks for looking after me, all of you,” Spike said. He grinned up at me. “You kind of missed the best part though.”
“Yes! Spike told off those dragons in a most spectacular fashion,” Rarity agreed. “Then you barged in! It was actually quite heroic too though...”
“Yeah,” Spike said, smiling up at me. “Thanks for that.”
“Yeah, well, ultimately we had to save ourselves but you’re welcome,” I said. I turned to Twilight, who was leaning against my shoulder out of exhaustion. “And thank you, Twilight, for saving me.”
“No... No problem,” Twilight said. Fluttershy rested her head against my other shoulder, looking apologetic.
I sighed. “It’s fine, really...”
Twilight mustered the anger necessary to glare. “You nearly got him killed!”
“Well he wouldn’t be in this situation if you hadn’t had him leave the volcano!” Fluttershy insisted.
“Well you wanted him to get away from the dragons!” Twilight shot back, glaring across my chest. I hitched my breath as I felt Fluttershy’s hoof on my other thigh.
“H-Hey, ladies...?”
I looked to Dash or Rarity or even Spike for help. Nothing doing-Spike actually looked amused, the jerk.
“Well he wouldn’t have been in there in the first place if you hadn’t insisted on him following Spike!” Fluttershy growled. Twilight’s eyes narrowed, her horn flickering with magic.
“Well gee, maybe I should have let Spike go to his death? Would that make you happy?!” Twilight demanded, slamming a hoof down on my thigh. My eyes crossed in pain.
“Of course it wouldn’t! How dare you say such a thing!” Fluttershy snarled, smacking my other thigh. A crack of pain went through me.
“AAAAAHHHHH!”
Both mares stopped, and looked to me in concern.
“Andrew, are you all right-?”
“I’m sooo sorry, I didn’t mean to-!”
“That’s IT!” I said at last, furious. “You two fighting over me has gotten me into danger more times than I’d like! So I’m going to step up, and man up, and do what I should have done in the first place!” I took a deep breath, and felt them both tense.
Okay, yes, I was going to break somepony’s heart but sometimes you’ve gotta make the tough decision, sometimes you’ve gotta-
"If I may interject,” Rarity suggested, holding a hoof up, “I've got the perfect idea darlings!”
“Huh?” All three of us asked. Rarity smiled as Spike gave her a curious look.
“Rarity?”
“You should share,” she said.
There was dead silence for a few moments, before Rainbow Dash, pushing the balloon, snorted.
"What?” She laughed.
“What?!” I squawked, Spike with me and nearly to the same high pitch.
"What?!” Gaped Twilight. Fluttershy was silent for a moment longer, before she slowly nodded.
"... I'm okay with this."
“WHAT?!” Everypony else cried, save for Spike (who looked relieved) and Rarity (who looked serene).
“You can't possibly be--!? HOW CAN YOU BE OKAY WITH THIS?!” Twilight demanded.
“I was perfectly s-serious back in the library, I’m serious now,” Fluttershy said with a firm nod.
“B-But it can’t-I mean, before, I thought you were joking! I was joking!” Twilight cried. “This can’t possibly work!”
“How do you know? Have you ever been in a relationship like this before?” Rarity asked, with just a hint of challenge.
“I haven't,” Fluttershy said. “But... I’m willing to try.” She gave Twilight a challenging look. “Can you?”
“I...” Twilight’s pride had been hit, sucessfully it seemed, as her eyes narrowed in determination. “I’m sure we can... Figure out a way to do it... If everypony is fine with it,” she said, looking back to me. I gaped.
“I... Uh...”
“Andrew Eugene Shepard! Are you all right or not all right with two marefriends?” Twilight demanded. I gulped.
“I’m... I’m totally all right with it,” I said. “You?”
“Not... Not entirely,” she said. She smiled. “But I’m always up for a... Unique challenge.”
“Maybe you can look up a successful one in one of your books? And we can try that?” Fluttershy asked.
“Worth a shot,” Twilight mused. I looked over at Rarity, who was still smiling that maddeningly serene smile. She gave me a wink.
The balloon came to a jolting stop. I looked up and around and noted we were back in Ponyville, right outside Twilight’s library. Dash chortled.
“Man, I’d love to stay and watch, but I’ve got to get some food, and then a good nap!” She waved, and shot off like a rainbow across the night sky. “I’ll see you later! Invite me to the wedding!”
“Well. My work here is done,” Rarity said as she got out of the basket to flounce off. “Enjoy, darlings! Come Spike, let’s leave them alone!”
He hopped out. I got up out of the tangle of my two marefriends and stood up.
“Hey wait a minute!” I called. Rarity looked over her shoulder at me demurely.
“Andrew, dear... What do you want?”She asked, her eyes probing mine deeply. I almost look away, and found the answer she wanted. It was hypnotic!
“... To not hurt anypony...?” I offered.
“And you're complaining about two lovely mares?”
I was silent. I looked back at Fluttershy and Twilight, who were talking in low voices.
“Andrew~,” Rarity practically crooned.
“... No,” I said, resigned.
“There, see?” Rarity said.
“But-But-!”
"The rest are just details, Darling, and Twilight can look those up easily. Ciao!” She trotted off, Spike following. My little dragon brother paused a moment, and looked right at me. He pointed to his eyes, and then back to me. “In the streets. Watch it.”
And then he too was gone. I sighed, and slumped in the balloon basket.
“... How does she do that?”
- - - - - -
A few weeks late, but hopefully you’ll consider it worth the wait. Yes, the ending is a bit ambiguous but as this is chiefly a comedy story, I find that having to navigate two complex relationships has more opportunities for chaos and hilarity.
I definitely encourage you to check it out, wherein Andrew Shepard meets another human transported to Equestria by mysterious means. It will have consequences for the next arc of this story, set during the Royal Wedding. Until then, enjoy!
And as said before, if anyone else wishes to use Andrew Shepard or this storyline for their own stories, feel free to do so. Just ask.
This chapter was written with great help from my good friends The EroSennin, Scriviner, and Psuedofiction himself. Check out their stuff!
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
I am Andrew Shepherd. And I am, at the moment, charging through the palace of Canterlot with guns blazing and my trusty staff lashing out at numerous venom spitting Changelings.
Needless to say, the day had started out far more promising. Like, sexy time promising.
Don’t judge me.
"YAH!" I cried, swinging my staff around in a wide arc. The magic iron stretched out, and with the increase in leverage so too did the kinetic force of the blow, toppling several foes. More appeared above me, diving down with their fangs glistening, but having a unicorn for a girlfriend immediately came in handy as Twilight's magic blasts blew them into the nearby walls.
"This is why I hate weddings," I said flatly, pulling out my flintlock and emptying it into the face of a charging changeling. It squealed as it's head blew open and it fell over with violent twitches announcing it's death rattles. I decided to try to ignore that, as did the rest of the ponies.
Fluttershy managed to avoid throwing up, but probably only because she'd done it earlier.
"Alien invasions ain't usually traditional," Applejack stated, bucking a pair of changelings through a stain glass window depicting a bearded pony fighting some kind of witch thing. I didn't get a good look at it when it was intact, and now it was reduced to shards of glass so I hadn't gotten a good look.
Priorities, people. Priorities.
"So... Here's an idea!" I said breathlessly, as royal guards and Wonderbolts engaged Changelings in the air above us as pitched battle went on outside. "Why don't we find the Elements of Harmoniousness-"
"Harmony," Twilight corrected, looking a bit annoyed. I nodded.
"Right, them. Why don't we find them and-"
"Andrew! Shotgun!" Applejack called as she tossed said weapon to me. I quickly broke open the stock, reloaded the weapon, and tossed it back to the farmer. Applejack caught it and opened fire, smoothly blowing away two more Changelings. "Thank you kindly!"
"-And fix this mess?" I asked. Twilight grimaced.
"I would, but given how crazy it is this far from the vault..."
"And the fact that the Princess has been replaced by an imposter with access to said vault," Rarity pointed out.
"It's possible the Elements were taken and hidden away," Twilight finished, looking depressed. I sighed, sharing the feeling.
"So, we can fight our way through and try to stop the Queen of the Changelings ourselves, or go on a fetch quest for the magic nuclear football," I said dryly. "Lovely choices."
"The first option has a much higher chance of us dying horribly!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully as she blasted a few Changelings with her party cannon.
... Yeah, I had long since given up asking how it worked, or how she reloaded it, or how it seemed to be effective when it seemed to be filled with cakes, plates and streamers. I had too much to focus on right now.
Again, priorities.
"Th-That isn't exactly a good thing, Pinkie," Fluttershy pointed out.
"Oh! I meant to say it has a much higher chance of us doing something incredibly dangerous and awesome!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. Rainbow Dash, who had slammed a Changeling into a line of the beasts from above, came to a hover above us with a grin.
"Incredibly dangerous and awesome?! Count me in!"
"Gee, color me surprised," Rarity said flatly.
I sighed and rubbed my head. "Twilight, sweetie? You got any ideas for how to stop the alien god queen?"
"Well, she's powered up by love," Twilight hummed thoughtfully. "That might be her weakness!"
"Ah! Of course!" Rarity said cheerfully. "Then the solution is obvious! You, Andrew and Fluttershy must express your love-Together-In front of her-"
"NO," Twilight and myself practically growled. Fluttershy coughed.
"I um... Wouldn't mind... Depending on uh, if I got top or bottom..."
I groaned.
Maybe I should take this break in the fighting to detail how I got into this mess in the first place.
After all, if anyone on Earth finds this, all you'll have to work with is this action packed scene that begins in media res.
You deserve to know the whole story of how I, Andrew J. Shepherd, accidental human ambassador to an alien world ruled by talking magic ponies, ended up in this predicament. Where I was fighting for the survival of my current homeworld alongside the women I love.
And to understand that, you need to know how it all began.
Naturally enough, it began with me in pain.
But then, don't all my stories begin that way?
- - - - - -
"Ow!" I winced and rubbed the bandage on my cheek. "Ow..."
"It wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't pick at it," gently admonished Fluttershy, as the rocking of the train thrummed through me. I gave her a wry expression, before looking out at the moving countryside.
"It wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't gotten hit in the first place," I said.
"Well who's fault is that?" Fluttershy asked, almost playfully. I chuckled a bit.
"All right, fair enough," I said. I leaned back against the seat and grimaced. "No support for my back..."
"We don't get a lot of humans, you know," Rarity joked nearby. "Still, we're going to a royal wedding! The bandage will just make you look more..." And here Rarity smirked, "fearsome."
"Nopony's going to let that go, are they?" I sighed.
"What, that the mere mention of humans makes dragons flee in terror?" Rainbow Dash asked with a bright grin. "That's awesome! I bet Princess Celestia will think that’s awesome!”
"Ah never get tired of hearing that part," Applejack said with a grin. "Also, you hangin' out a balloon all the way back to Ponyville!"
"Yeah, try living it," I sighed. "Who do I look like, James Bond?"
"Who?" Asked Rainbow Dash. I groaned and rubbed my cheeks.
I had to stop doing that.
"One day, these pop culture references will make sense," Pinkie Pie consoled me, patting my shoulder as though she had read my mind. I actually smiled at her.
“You think so?” I asked. Pinkie shrugged.
"Or they'll be completely out of date and make you feel old!"
I stopped smiling at her.
"Like he needed more reason to fret over his gray hairs," snarked Rainbow Dash.
"Silver hairs, thank you," said I, feigning I was hurt. "It's a sign of immense dignity among my species... And solar radiation exposure."
"Since we only have your word for it, I guess we'll have to take it," Applejack laughed.
"Or we could ask Princess Celestia to tone it down for your follicles," Rarity added. The mares all laughed, and soon I joined them after dropping my stern expression. One voice, however, was conspicuously absent. I looked down the train car and frowned as I saw Twilight staring out the window. She’d been quiet since she’d gotten the news, but I just chalked it up to her focusing on the issue of the royal wedding. She’d been asked to help plan it, and she’d thrown herself into it.
I looked to Applejack, who gestured to Twilight with her head. I nodded, and got up. Not all the way-I'd learned my lesson after the first time and I didn't need another wound on my head.
I sat down next to Twilight, trying to look as nonchalant as possible.
"So..."
Twilight sighed. Yeah, I wasn’t good at being nonchalant.
"You feelin' all right, sugarcube?" Applejack asked, sitting on Twilight's other side. "Ya don't seem too happy to be goin' to yer brother's wedding."
I sighed. Why did she get away with not having any tact? It was so not fair.
"It's just been so long since I spoke with him, and he didn't even tell me himself... I don't even know who he's marrying!" Twilight protested, rubbing her hoof over her head. "He's my big brother, we did everything together and then he drops this on me?"
"Aw shucks Twilight, ah'm sure he meant to," Applejack consoled. "Besides, ain't he a Royal Guard? Really busy?"
"Captain of the Royal Guards," Rarity sighed, holding a hoof over her heart. "Truly, this is a loss for mares everywhere."
"You didn't mention him during the Gala, ya know," Dash said. Rarity snorted.
"I was a bit distracted," she said. She scowled at Dash’s smug expression. “And I wasn’t the only one!”
"Point is," I said, "being a Royal Guard, he's probably been really busy what with, ya know... Discord and everything."
"I'm still able to write to him!" Twilight protested. She pouted. "I want to be happy, but..."
"I-I'm sure he'll have a good reason for it," Fluttershy said, smiling warmly at Twilight. I nodded.
"Yeah. And if not, you can make him feel really guilty over it."
"Oh yeah!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. "If there's anybody who can make ponies feel guilty, it's us!" She pranced in front of us and widened her eyes to disturbing proportions as she cried. "Wh-Why couldn't you tell me, Shining Armor? Aren't you m-my big brotherrrr?"
"You said guilt. That's not guilt. That's nightmare fuel," I said flatly. Pinkie Pie huffed.
"Maybe to you."
"And besides, it's not like you won't have a surprise for him, too," Rarity said with a smile and waggle of her eyebrows. Twilight blinked a few times, and her eyes widened as she looked at me. I blinked back, and then let out a nervous laugh.
"Well... Come on! It's not like Twilight wouldn't have told her big brother... Uh..."
"And my family," Twilight said in quiet horror.
"That she was dating a human and another mare?" Dash asked. The blue pegasus covered her mouth to choke back her laughter. "Ohhh man! This is going to be great!"
"... When did you have that scheduled?" I asked flatly. Twilight coughed.
"I um... Er... Well, this was so sudden and I hadn't come up with a proper way to, um, fully inform them-"
"M-M-Maybe I could tell them...?" Fluttershy suggested. "I-I mean, I don't want to... In fact I can think of a lot of things I'd rather do instead, but um... Well... Oh dear..."
"Great," I sighed. "Already this is shaping up to be a fantastic outing."
"Now now, I'm sure Twilight's family and sister-in-law-to-be are very understanding ponies," Rarity consoled. "Nothing to worry about darling! What could possibly go wrong?"
I groaned and buried my face in my palms.
I don’t care what planet you’re on, you never say that. Ever.
- - - - - -
Canterlot. Seat of Equestrian government. The place looked like Gondor high on whimsy-The city was built into the side of a mountain that overlooked the valley Ponyville was situated in. I swore I could see towers from what seemed like every Disney castle ever. Bluebirds were flying around, as heavily armed and armored Pegasi flew in formation overhead. I frowned as I noticed something else... A pink haze around the entire city.
“A forcefield?” Twilight asked with a frown. “Why is there a forcefield around the city?”
“You guys have forcefields?” I asked. “How the hell does that work?”
“What? Don’t you?” Asked Rarity. “Forcefields?”
“No,” I said.
“Maybe you could explain how it works? Um, I mean, if you wanted to,” Fluttershy said. At Pinkie Pie’s look, Fluttershy gulped. Twilight frowned.
“Well, it’s not that difficult... You use the same equations for an expanding gas to express it as a kinetic field... That’s not the point!” Twilight shook her head, looking concerned. “Why is there such a huge force field over Canterlot?”
“Yeah! It’s not like Canterlot’s been attacked by supreme, reality bending entities in recent memory!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. We all gave her a flat expression, which she blinked at. “What?”
“Ah can’t tell when yer serious or not,” Applejack sighed.
“Me neither! Seems to make life easier,” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.
“Still, it seems a bit excessive,” Twilight said. “Who is my brother marrying?”
“Maybe he’s marrying one of the Princesses!” Suggested Rarity. She laughed and clapped her hooves together. “Oh, isn’t that wonderful Twilight, Andrew and Fluttershy? You’ll be directly related to Princess Celestia and Luna!”
“Ah? How will we be related to-Oh my! W-We’re not, we didn’t, we haven’t...!” Fluttershy began to hyperventilate. I sighed and rubbed her head.
“I’m pretty sure he’s not getting married to one of the two Princesses. That’s probably something that makes the news,” I said wryly. “This is probably just excessive security precautions after, ya know, near end of the world. Only natural.”
“Has that happened to you a lot?” Dash asked.
“Not in recent memory,” I admitted. “Though a giant asteroid may have threatened to annihilate my species. Or that was a movie, it’s all kind of running together now.”
You’d be surprised at how fuzzy your memory gets without the Internet to check your facts on.
- - - - - - -
At the train station, we got out and were greeted by several official looking pegasus guards. Twilight stepped forward and offered a smile as steam wafted from the engine ahead, covering the platform. The forcefield glowed overhead, which threw off my internal clock a bit-It was like it was sunrise or sunset again.
"Hello Galland."
"Hello Miss Sparkle," he said. "Sorry for the security measures, but given everything that's happened..."
"I understand completely," Twilight said with a smile.
"Good," Galland said. "So you can understand that we're going to have to do security scans on all of you."
"What?!" Cried everypony.
"We have saved the world twice! This should not get old!" Dash cried.
"Ain't this a bit extreme? Ah mean, you know us," Applejack said.
"Yes! You watch Applejack's flanks all the time, Galland. You really should know her well enough by now," Rarity said with a little smirk. Both Galland and Applejack blushed, but the guard recovered first. He cleared his throat.
"Given everything that has happened, we're just not going to take any chances," he said. "So, if you will trot between these two unicorns?"
"Exactly what are we going to carry? We're not wearing anything," Dash pointed out.
Galland then looked pointedly at me. I looked over my shoulder, and then back. The mares all stared at me. I grumbled.
"Great. It's just like home," I said with a scowl.
"Sorry Andrew," Twilight said. "But uh..."
"Right, right," I said. I sighed and rolled my shoulders. "Okay... So, do I just walk between them or what?"
"Yes sir, just walk between the unicorns," Galland said with a nod.
"Surely we could go first, just to hurry this up?" Rarity suggested. "I mean, Andrew should be above suspicion... Like all of us."
"Really taking this seriously, ah note," Applejack said.
"As a small business owner, I am all about the precepts of liberty," Rarity sniffed.
I decided to just nip this in the bud. Pony politics are about as bad as human politics, and about as fun to discuss. So, I walked between the two smiling unicorns... And their horns began to bleep.
Galland raised his eyebrows. "Sir, please step back."
I sighed, and stepped back. "All right, what do I do?"
"Please remove any metal or magical artifacts, sir," Galland said. "Starting with the coat."
"The coat isn't magic," I said.
"No, but it's concealing your body and allowing you to hide things," he said.
"Ooh, peep show!" Pinkie cried happily. "Should I get some bits out?"
"Take it off! Take it off!" Dash whooped.
Applejack wolf whistled as Twilight and Fluttershy blushed. I rubbed the top of my head and pulled off my blue duster, placing it on a nearby table.
"It's stuff like this that fuels those stories about me having a harem, you know," I said. Galland eyed me, as Twilight groaned.
"Andrew!"
"Sir, please remove your guns," Galland said.
"Oh! Oh, right, sorry," I said, shaking my head. I pulled the revolver from the holster and set it down on the table. I then unstrapped the small sawed off shotgun I'd managed to build with Smokestack's help.
"And the magic bellows," Galland said.
I pulled it from my back and set it down on the table. Fluttershy trotted up and stared in disbelief.
"Why did you bring all this with you?"
"Well..." I began.
"Honestly, you're armed like you're going to take over Canterlot," Applejack observed.
“You didn’t take the dragon slayer thing too seriously, did you?” Asked Rarity. “Though I will admit, ‘Andrew Shepherd, Scourge of the Dragons’ is quite attractive.”
She bit her lower lip, and I managed to keep myself from blushing. If Rarity was a human, she could rule the world. I swear to God.
“Yes, I have to admit, it is um... Kind of nice,” Fluttershy said, her cheeks red.
“You’re being hunted by dragons?” Galland asked.
"No, no! It's that goddamn Manticore, that's what it is," I said flatly.
"A Manticore, sir?" Galland asked.
"He's been attacked by a manticore a few times," Twilight explained to the guard.
"More like I'm being stalked by a manticore," I said, as I pulled one of my single shot pistols from my belt. The other two went onto the table too, as did my knife. "The goddamn thing is-"
"He seems to like hunting him," Fluttershy explained quickly. "He told me himself that he respects Andrew as a mighty foe and enjoys fighting him."
"What?!" I gasped. "When-When did you talk to the manticore hunting me? When?!"
"Well, you're not over at my home every night," Fluttershy said. At the looks from the guards, she blushed brightly. "I-I didn't mean it like that! We're not-That is-!"
"It's all right!" Said one of the friendly female unicorns. "I totally support your cross species, polyamorous relationships!"
"I'm kind of jealous," said the blue toned unicorn with a lyre on her rump. I avoided her gaze and sighed.
"Sir, go ahead through again," Galland said. I nodded and stepped between the unicorns. Their horns bleeped. I glared at Galland.
"Oh come on!"
"Sir, please remove any other metal on your person," he said.
I sighed, rummaged in my pockets... Pulled out some gold coins and put it on the table.
"Right, go right on sir," Galland said.
I did so...
Bleep bleep bleep!
“So, what is this?” Galland asked, poking my belt. My cheeks turned bright red as the blue unicorn’s telekinesis pulled out... A riding crop.
“Oh my,” Rarity gasped.
Dash rolled onto her back and laughed her bottom off. Pinkie was right alongside her. Applejack was trying very hard not to laugh. Twilight was working on turning invisible, and Fluttershy had fainted.
“Uh... I’m going to have to report this,” Galland said slowly.
I sighed and I facepalmed. This was going to be a long day...
- - - - - -
Well, so far I haven’t been hurt. This just means it’s going to get even worse.
And yeah, I know it’s been a long time. Let’s just say Real Life is kicking my ass but I am fighting back. I’m just in my... The part of Dark Knight Rises when Bruce Wayne is in the prison. And Twilight Sparkle like punches my spine so I can rise and... You know what, forget that. All those unfortunate implications...
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
One thing I haven't really discussed in great detail is the smells of Equestria. How it differs from Earth. You might think it would smell like a farm, but it doesn't actually smell like that except on... Well, farms.
The ponies themselves have scents that are slightly stronger than those of humans. There’s a musky odor that isn’t unpleasant, but is strange until you get used to it. You’re more aware of such differences when you’re the only human around.
There are differences in odor though, but like with humans those differences are on an individual to individual basis. Twilight, for instance, smells of books, rich old ink, a soft musky scent I can only describe as “feminine” (as that’s what it says in my brain), and the smell of... Well... Stardust is the best term I can come up with.
It’s the kind of smell that you’d associate with the twinkling of stars in the heavens, if that were possible.
Point is, Canterlot was a mix of scents you’d find in a major city minus any automotive fumes, familiar and yet wholly alien. There were exotic spicy foods from desert and grassland cultures. There was the scent of soil after rain and some exotic chemicals at alchemist shops. There was the scent of clean linens and cakes baking, and hundreds of others that I could write an entire book on them alone.
But that’s more for a niche market. Then again, if a portal is opened between Earth and Equestria permanently, I suppose I’ll have a lot of business writing tourism guides.
Right. I’m getting off topic. We left the Canterlot train station security checkpoint and made our way through the city towards the palace. There were guards flying cover above in tight formations, but the feeling in the air was one of happiness and joy among the citizens. I didn’t see any faked smiles, or tension other than from ponies involved in gathering flowers or baked goods or other supplies for the wedding.
I know a few people back home who would scream “fascism!” at the security provided for a baseball game, and do, and it would be more intrusive than this.
“So, I have the wedding dresses prepared,” Rarity said conversationally, “for the entire party. I will have to check over the attire of the groom and the bride to make sure we match...”
“I’m going to have so much fun working with the Wonderbolts for the flyover!” Dash grinned happily.
“I’m going to party until I throw up a rainbow!” Pinkie Pie cheered.
“Oh my, the music is going to be a bit complicated but um, I think I can handle it,” Fluttershy muttered as she looked over sheet music. Applejack was talking happily with Galland, mainly on details regarding the transport of the Apple family’s contribution to the royal wedding feast.
They were also flirting almost shamelessly, but I decided to save my teasing for later.
After all, I needed something to counter the riding crop comments I was going to get.
Speaking of...
“Twilight, relax,” I said with a smile as we trailed the others. Twilight was nervously checking off things on a scroll, a list Spike had spent all night on.
“Easy for you to say,” Twilight grumbled. “You don’t have to do anything but stand around.”
“And carry things, and massage tired flanks,” I said dryly. Twilight blushed deeply and hissed at me.
“Don’t say things like that!”
“Why not? It’s in the schedule,” I said, pointing at the scroll. Twilight’s eyes went down to it... And she coughed as she quickly scribbled it out with her pen.
“I am going to punish him so badly,” Twilight grumbled.
“You and I both know you would have put it in regardless,” I said as we walked through the front gates of the palace. I spared a moment to gape in wonder at the beautiful front hall. It stretched up high over my head like a cathedral roof, with stained glass windows casting gorgeous light patterns everywhere. Pegasi flew to and fro, hanging decorations with care above us. Twilight grumbled.
“I... May have provided for the planning in the near future,” Twilight admitted. “But don’t say things like that!” She lowered her voice. “Especially not in public!”
“We’ve already gone through the riding crop thing,” I said with a shrug. “We might as well treat it like no big deal.”
“What riding crop thing?” Asked a masculine voice. Twilight and I turned, and saw a well attired white unicorn male with blue mane and tail. Twilight coughed violently.
“Oh my! Shining Armor himself!” Rarity gasped. I joined Twilight in coughing violently.
“Ah, oh! Big Brother!” Twilight cried, trotting up to hug her brother. “We... We have so much to catch up on!”
“Yes we do,” Shining said with a smile. He looked at me quizzically. “This is your human friend, right?”
“Uh, yeah,” I said, tugging at my collar slightly nervously. “Andrew Shepherd. I’m Twilight’s-”
“Friend!” Twilight cried quickly. “His friend. Dear, close friend! Magic of friendship!”
“Oh?” Shining asked, giving me a raised eyebrow as the wedding preparations went on around us. Fluttershy was at my side in a moment, nodding quickly.
"Oh... Oh my, yes! Friends!" She said quickly.
“Yes,” Rarity added, leveling a flirtatious wink at Shining as she sidled up to my side. “A dear, dear friend to all of us.”
Fluttershy may have growled. I tried not to notice it.
“Maybe even more than friends to all of us!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, popping up between my legs. “Especially after that slumber part-MMPH!”
Having hands is awesome, especially when silencing big mouthed mares. Though the look Shining gave me was not exactly encouraging.
“Ah... Let’s go catch up, Shining!” Twilight said quickly. “There’s so much to talk about...” Her eyes narrowed. “Like who you’re marrying.”
“Yes, yes we do have a lot to talk about,” he replied, with a steely glare to match that of my marefriend’s. I felt Fluttershy’s nose against my hip, and a wing slide around my back possessively. I looked up at the ceiling, cursing the fact all my weapons were locked away in the vault at the train station.
“GREETINGS, TWILIGHT AND FRIENDS!” Bellowed Princess Luna, descending from on high like a glorious angel of mercy. I yelped as I was pulled away from the cluster of mares by telekinesis, and I floated like I was in space. “Might I borrow Andrew Shepherd for a time? We have things to show him!”
“Uh... Well...” Twilight looked at her brother, and back at me. “Certainly, your majesty!”
“Excellent! Mine sister will greet you shortly as soon as she is done with other duties,” Luna said. “Hello Pinkie Pie! We are still on for later?”
“Definitely, your highness!” Pinkie said.
“Did thou bring the pickles?” Luna asked. Pinkie snorted.
“Of course, Silly Willy Nilly!”
“THEN IT IS GOOD!” She boomed.
“Er, what do you need me for-?” I tried to ask, but a look from Luna silenced me. “I’ll find out when we get there, right?”
“You catch on quickly for a human,” Luna said approvingly.
“... Thanks?”
We vanished into a burst of magical light, leaving a concerned Fluttershy and Twilight, a smiling Pinkie and Dash, a humming Rarity, a grinning Applejack, and a scowling Shining Armor.
I was of the opinion, at that moment, that I had escaped the frying pan, but you know the old saying...
- - - - -
Princess Luna flew us through the hallways of the Canterlot Palace, so quickly I couldn't even keep track of where we were going. It was up, down, left, right...
"Uh, where are we going?" I asked.
"You will see when we arrive!" Luna declared.
"Is that 'we' as in, us, or 'we' as in royal we?" I asked.
Luna gave me a deadpan expression as we came to a stop in a large, domed room. It clearly stated "What are you, stupid?"
"Uh... This is a nice room," I said, looking around at the stained glass and huge, glass dome overhead. The sun shone through it, set against the clear blue sky. It was rather breathtaking.
"Yes it is," Luna said. She landed on the decorative tile, in front of a large safe. I blinked as I looked at it, huge and cold and metal. It seemed entirely foreign to the rest of the decor.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It holds the Elements of Harmony," Luna said.
"So it's like the nuclear football for Equestria," I said, nodding a bit. The alicorn princess gave me a quizzical look.
"Football?" She asked. I frowned.
"Er... It's a game, with a ball you carry by hand and..." I shook my head. "It's not that important. Is this what you wanted to show me?"
"No," Luna said gravely. Her horn glowed, and the ornate tiles underneath our feet glowed in turn. I blinked rapidly as the pattern shifted, the energy shimmering through the tiles like light on a fish’s scales. It came together in the shape of a circle right below me, and it flashed bright enough I had to cover my eyes.
I removed them when I began to fall... And scream.
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” I shouted as I tumbled down a tunnel. It was dark, and I couldn’t see a bottom, and oh my God I was going to die-!
“Our apologies!” Luna called down, and I slowed as I was caught in her telekinetic grip. She pitched me over to look me in the face with an apologetic expression. I scowled.
“What, did you forget I can’t fly?!” I growled.
Luna bit her lower lip and looked to the side. My eyes widened.
“... You’re kidding.”
“Say nothing of this, and we will grant thee a boon,” Luna said.
“... Done,” I said with a nod.
Luna nodded back, blushing a bit. I considered what kind of “boon” she might be thinking of... But I decided to just go into my happy place of denial about the implications of that.
Besides, we had business below.
- - - - - -
Down, down we descended into a vast cavern that was slowly revealed by the light shining from Luna's horn. The light cast shadows across the walls of the cavern from various artifacts surrounding us.
"Behold!" Luna cried dramatically, spreading her wings widely. "The secret underground archives of Canterlot!"
I blinked. "Er... Can you turn up the light?"
Luna scowled at me. "You're kind of a whiner. It isn't a species wide trait, is it?"
"Depends on the person," I said dryly. The light increased, and I looked ahead. "That's bet-WOAH!" I gasped and stumbled back at the fearsome visage of a warrior with his sword pointed at me. "Don't kill me!"
"Andrew, that is a statue," Luna said calmly. I coughed and slowly stood up, examining the warrior more closely. It appeared to be a Roman legionnaire in full armor, his gladius leveled at my throat.
"Very realistic," I said. My eyes widened. "Wait! This... This is a human statue! What... What are you doing with it?"
"It arrived here, in much the same say I imagine you did," Luna said calmly. "Throughout our recorded history, we have found artifacts of alien origin, and there have been legends of strange creatures like yourself who have appeared and done great things."
"You... You mean all those dragon legends are true?" I gasped. "Everything I heard about humans from dragons... It's all true?!" I saw a familiar glint in the darkness, and reached down. I picked up what was unmistakably an iPhone, and I turned it over in my hands.
"Yes," Luna said, gently pressing her wing against my back. "Humans have been here before... But until you arrived, they were only thought a myth. I myself have never met a human before..."
I... I really didn't know how to feel about that. Nor what to say. I looked around and began walking through the artifacts, feeling dazed. Stacks of scrolls, barrels, beds-Basically imagine every single garage sale throughout history, and you'd have a decent approximation of what I was seeing. Luna followed close behind, respectfully, as I took it all in.
"So... How did the humans get to Equestria?" I asked softly. I found a battered American flag, and I rested my hand against it. I had seen this flag fluttering in the breeze over schools, businesses, my house for the Fourth of July. I knew what it meant, I knew the history, but seeing it here so far from home...
"Over the rainbow bridge," Luna said softly. "They were strangers to our world, come from a planet very much like ours. They grew slowly over the years into a great people. They were healers, and doctors, and leaders and scholars and heroes of this land, well before Equestria was founded. A mighty empire and people, who could even make the dragons quake in fear and earn the respect of griffins and demons, and who defended ponykind... So long ago it has become little more than a filly's tale."
"What happened to them?" I asked. Luna slowly shook her head.
"No one... Really knows for sure. Some say they perished saving Ponykind... Other sources say they destroyed themselves... And some say they left in ships of precious mithril for the stars when Discord emerged, or they just went home, back across the Rainbow Bridge." She smiled softly. "All we know is that there is almost no trace left of them. Just artifacts from your world, quite independent of the Human Empire of Equestria.”
"I... I see," I said softly.
"You realize why there's so much attention paid to you though, do you not?" Luna asked, a smile on her face. "You are a legend in the flesh, a human. Mighty and fearsome and mysterious."
"Yeah well, I don't feel so mighty right now," I muttered. I sighed. "So... No idea how to get back to... To Earth, huh?"
Luna was silent, and I felt it in my bones that she meant 'no.'
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry," Luna said. I looked away into the darkness, countless artifacts beckoning to me... But I didn't want to see any of them. I coughed violently, and wiped my eyes.
"It... It's dusty in here," I said thickly. Luna's wing pressed a little more firmly against my back.
"I am sorry," Luna said softly. "... About the dust."
"It... It's okay," I said back. "Just... Get someone to clean this up, will you?"
"I will," Luna said. "I promise."
- - - - - - -
I composed myself and wiped my tears... Which were of course caused by the dust. Not the crushing loneliness of being the only human in Equestria. Nope. Not that at all. I looked around the archives once again, humming as I saw what looked like Chinese ceramics sitting atop a table made of elephant tusks.
"So... You need someone to archive all this stuff? Organize it? I mean, I know a fair amount about human cultures but I'm not an expert."
"When you have the time, that would be greatly appreciated," Luna said with a smile. "However, I wanted to show you something more... Recent."
"Recent?" I asked. Luna turned and trotted past what looked like a Persian rug hanging off a statue of Mickey Mouse. I followed, and saw by the light of her horn that she was headed into a tunnel. "You mean... All this stuff isn't recent?"
"This is all the stuff we have yet to definitively date," Luna explained. I followed along through an arched hallway, into another great dark cavern. "It sits here until we can analyze it. We have, however, put together a rough dating system based upon when we think the artifact arrived here."
"Do you use carbon-14 dating or something like that?" I asked, my archaeology training returning to my mind as I squinted at the dark shapes in the cavern. Luna looked over her shoulder at me with a smile.
"No. We use a much more accurate system-Wormhole radiation exposure dating," she said cheerfully. "As well as comparing the technology to other examples we have. At the moment, the dating system is 'Early Human', three ages of 'Ancient Human', 'Imperial Human', 'Industrial Human', 'Post-Atomic Human' and 'Post-Digital Human.'"
"Huh," I said, thinking it over. It was a rather alien way of defining it, but it was also how archaeologists dated ancient peoples-By their material culture. An Anasazi would probably find "Basketweaver" and other such terms to be equally strange. "I see."
"What I am about to show you, is our most recent find. And the primary reason I brought you here." She trotted over to a large, Frankenstein-style electrical switch, and threw it. Electrical lights flared into existence above us, and I winced.
I slowly opened them back up, and my jaw dropped.
"The... Hell?" I gasped as I beheld a strange, but familiar craft. It was... Well... A spaceship. It was a lifting body design, with short stubby wings pointed up at odd angles around a delta-shaped fuselage. The color scheme was NASA white and black, making it look like a mini-Space Shuttle. I walked around it, and saw rocket engines flanking a circular hatch on the back.
I knew this craft... And yet, it had a lot of strange additions to it I couldn't place. Luna trotted back to me, clearing her throat.
"You recognize it?" She asked. I nodded.
"Yeah... It's a... A... Dream Chaser," the name came to me at last. "It's a space plane! It's built by a company in my home state of Colorado back on Earth! I saw it on a museum-sponsored tour of their factory!"
"Can you tell me, precisely, what year it is from?" Luna asked. I frowned and rubbed my chin.
"Well... It's not supposed to be flying until the year 2014... Or about two years from when I arrived here," I said. "And there are a lot of weird things on this one."
"Weird things? Like what?" The princess asked. I pointed up at two strange pipes atop the dorsal side of the craft, which were sitting on either side of the tail of the spaceplane. The pipes were bent 45 degrees towards the back of the ship, making them look like stylized exhaust pipes on a hot rod engine.
"Well, those things weren't on the pictures or models I saw," I said.
"Ah," Luna said with a nod. "I see... What was to be the mode of power for this craft?"
"Batteries, I think," I said. I pointed at the rocket engines. "Those were hybrid rocket engines. They burned a kind of rubber and used... Nitrous oxide, I think, for an oxidizer."
"So it was not intended to be an atomic spacecraft?" Luna asked. I shook my head.
"Not to my knowledge... Why?"
Luna trotted up to the hatch of the spacecraft, and her horn glowed. The hatch opened. I looked inside. Instead of seven seats, there was a large rounded cylinder covered in pipes and wires in the back of the Dream Chaser. And on the end of the cylinder was a prominent, three-lobed atomic symbol.
"This... This sucker is nuclear?" I asked in disbelief. Luna nodded.
"It is indeed. It uses an element our science and magic is unfamiliar with. According to the measures you gave Twilight, it is approximately two hundred and forty one... Mass Units?"
"I think that's Americium 241," I said with a frown. Having a father who worked with nuclear technology caused a fair amount of knowledge to rub off, though it wasn't exactly useful until now. "It's a byproduct of nuclear fission. It's used as a kind of atomic battery because it gives off so much heat."
"Ahh," Luna said with a nod. "That would explain the pipes-Those are radiators. This atomic 'battery' provides electrical power to the ship through heat."
"Yeah, but why?" I asked with a frown. "Sticking this thing onto the ship doesn't make any sense unless you needed to power something big."
"Something big... Like weapons?" Luna asked. I looked over at her with a frown.
"Er... Yeah, I guess," I said. Luna closed the hatch, and I found myself being lifted up again over the ship as she flapped her wings and hovered over the vessel. "Ah! Hey!"
"Please sit in the craft," Luna said, and a hatch on the back of the ship opened. I blinked at her.
"Er... Okay... You sure there isn't any threat of radiation exposure, right?"
"The ship is well shielded against radiation," she explained. "You will be fine."
"I guess I'll take your word for it," I said dryly, as she lowered me into the ship.
- - - - - -
When I'd seen the Dream Chaser mock up in the factory in Louiseville, the inside of the ship had reminded me of an SUV or a mini-van: It had seven seats and space for some special cargo, and was brightly lit and pleasant. The tour guide had told us that was the point - The Dream Chaser was designed to be a space taxi.
It was descended from a Soviet military spaceplane design, which NASA had made into a proposal for a mini-space shuttle, which had again shown up as a Soviet military spaceplane when the space shuttle was being developed (to possibly shoot down the Shuttle if it carried nukes to use against Moscow), and now finally was back to being a space taxi built by a private American space company.
No wonder humans were so confusing to ponies.
The inside of this ship though was decidedly military, all cool gray and browns. A think bulkhead separated the cabin from the reactor and fuel tanks, leaving only two seats. These seats were over-engineered, reminding me of the gee couches on fighter jets in the air and space museum. I sat down in one, and leaned back as I took in the control panels. They were flat screens, and when I touched one they all lit up like your touch phone might. Heck, there was a touchphone in here: An iPhone. It was plugged into the side of the main console. I studied the interface carefully, and noted the positions of joysticks and throttles.
After all, it was an atomic powered spaceship. You couldn't just start punching buttons.
"Are you familiar with the technology?" Luna called from the top of the ship. I nodded, holding up the iPhone.
"Yeah... The interface doesn't look too different from my phone..." The mockup had had a similar set up, so that meant the ship couldn't have been too far in the future. If that was where it was from. The center panel, in between the two seats, had altitude, orientation, other things you'd need to pilot a plane. The screen in front of me had a similar set up, along with a few other indicators. A significant one was MASER LOCK, which had a green icon. Negligently I pushed it, and it turned red.
"Er, oops," I muttered.
"What did you do?" Luna asked.
"I pressed a button," I said.
"What does it say?" She asked.
"Uh... MASER LOCK," I said. Luna hummed.
"I see... What would this usually mean?"
"Well, a maser is a kind of beam weapon," I said. I looked up at the windows, and I blinked. A HUD had appeared, with a targeting cursor over the far rock wall. "I... Guess this thing is armed with one."
"A maser? What does it do?" Luna asked.
"Er... Blows stuff up, I guess," I said.
"Can you fire it?" Luna asked. I blinked rapidly.
"... Possibly. A better question is why would I fire it?"
"I've never seen one in action, of course, and it would serve to prove or disprove a theory I have about the vessel," Luna said. I sighed.
"So if anything goes wrong-"
"I will accept the blame. Have no fear, Andrew," Luna said in an amused voice. I rolled my eyes.
"That's comforting," I muttered. I looked over the nearby joystick-And there was a trigger. I looked back at the HUD, and saw the cursor was pointed at a strong looking wall of rock. I shrugged. "Well, here goes."
I pulled the trigger... And a blast like thunder roared through the cave as the rock wall exploded. I yelped and ducked instinctively.
"Andrew? Andrew, are you all right?" Luna called down. I slowly looked back up, pulling my hands off of my head.
"Um... Yeah. I'm fine, fine... How are you?" I asked. Luna sighed.
"I am both impressed and somewhat disheartened," she admitted. "Behold! The fruits of your labors!"
I looked out the forward viewport. I gaped. In the wall was a huge crater, at least two meters across, still smoking from the blast.
"Jesus!" I yelped.
"A MASER... It seems to be a beam weapon that uses microwaves to superheat a target and explode it," Luna said thoughtfully. She looked down through the hatch. "I'm guessing this was not on the Dream Chaser you saw?"
"No way!" I yelped. I leaned back in the ship and looked around the cockpit. "I mean, this thing might not even be a Dream Chaser! For all I know it's from... From..." I stared intently at the bulkhead above me. On it was a painting: A naked, red headed anime woman, surfing on a missile.
Emblazoned underneath it was "SOPHIA-2013".
"You said 2014, correct?" Luna asked. I slowly nodded, and looked around the cockpit with new eyes. The welding on the bulkhead behind me was rough. I wasn't an engineer but I could tell a rushed job. There were stray wires all over. I swore I could see an XBox Kinect on the control panel, jury rigged into a central computer.
"Yeah... Yeah, I did," I said quietly.
"Ah," Luna said. "That explains a few things."
I stood up and clambered out of the ship, standing up through the hatch like you would through a sunroof on a limo. I looked up at the Princess of the Moon, who wore a thoughtful expression. I frowned up at her.
"Like what?"
"The ship's outer covering had the remnants of paint. It was burned off. In addition, there were various unusual isotopes in some of the hull plating, as well as holders on the sides with scorching behind them," Luna said.
"Probably for missiles," I said. "But the isotopes?"
Luna's frown deepened. "We were only able to replicate them by induced nuclear fusion and fission in some alchemic experiments..."
My eyes widened and the bottom dropped out of my stomach as I realized...
"This was put together... In a hurry," I mumbled. "And was built to fight... And picked up stuff from nuclear blasts..."
"Yes Andrew Shepherd," Luna said gravely. "I believe you narrowly escaped being caught up in a massive war on your world. A war your race used very powerful weapons in-Your greatest, I believe." She shook her head. "Do you know of anything that might have caused such a conflict?"
"No! Nothing... Nothing that would require atomic powered spaceships and masers and nukes," I said, holding my forehead. I felt dizzy. I felt sick. I rested my hand on the control board, my hand grasping a familiar object. I looked up, barely comprehending there was an iPhone locked next to the main display. "Either World War III broke out, or..."
"You were invaded?" Luna asked. I very slowly nodded.
"Only other reason I can think of," I said softly. Luna bowed her head, and nuzzled my cheek.
"I am sorry," she said. "I am so sorry, Andrew Shepherd."
I took the comfort, struggling to keep it together. I... I couldn't just break. Not here. Not when the touch of the goddess brought with it the comfort of a cool night with thousands of stars shining above me.
I needed to keep moving. I needed answers.
"Where... Where did you find this ship?" I asked, pulling my hand back.
"It appeared a few months ago, crashed in the northern forests," Luna explained. "There was no one inside of it."
"And... And you found it?" I asked. Luna nodded.
"It took us some time to analyze it, to understand it. We relied heavily on Twilight's notes, but... You can understand why we waited to tell you."
"I... I see," I murmured. "Can you tell me anything else?"
"The ponies who found it would probably be better suited," Luna said. "I have been busy with... Preparations regarding this finding."
"Preparations?"
Luna smiled darkly. "An alien spacecraft that came from a world engulfed in war? Of course we've been preparing, Andrew Shepherd. Would you not do the same?"
"I... I guess I would," I said, seizing on it. Maybe Earth was conquered. Maybe I was the last human being alive. Who knew?
All I knew was that the threat of something happening to Equestria focused my mind.
"All right... Who were the ponies who found it?"
The princess bore a comforting smile. "The happy groom and bride to be. Captain of the Guard Shining Armor, and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza."
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
I don't remember leaving the archives of Canterlot. I was later told that I seemed to shamble like a zombie through the hallways, Princess Luna's comforting wing at my back. That I had the look of death on me, and gave more than a few servants the frights. But my mind just blanked it all out, like I couldn't be bothered to remember any of it.
My first memory after all that was of laying on a soft bed in a cheerfully adorned room. Birds were chirping cheerfully outside, and sunlight peeked through the only clouds in an otherwise flawless sky. The scent of flowers was on the breeze, and a plate of cookies sat on the table next to mine.
I didn't touch it. I found my eyes looking up at the ceiling, locked onto the murals of stars carved into the stone.
"Andrew?"
I looked to my side. Fluttershy was standing nearby, looking concerned. "Are you all right?"
"I..." I closed my eyes. "I'm not all that... Great, to be honest."
Fluttershy climbed up onto the bed with me, and settled down onto it. She rested her head on my shoulder and looked up at me.
"... You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Fluttershy said softly. "I just... I think you might feel better if you did."
I sucked in a deep breath, and let it out in a long sigh. Fluttershy said nothing. She just stayed there, staring at me.
"... My dad told me once that, you have inside of you a box, a box that you put things into," I said. "The stuff you can't deal with right now. You keep it there because to deal with it all at once would just overwhelm you, drown you. You'd lose yourself to it. But as time goes on, you keep having to put away things in the box, more and more, just to get by. You try to find the time to deal with it, to work through it, but it just seems like there isn't enough time. That you can't face it. You put a lock on it..."
"... But as time goes on, there's just so much stuff that even a lock won't keep it back any more," Fluttershy said softly. "Especially if you lose the lock."
I stared at her, and Fluttershy blushed.
"Don't look so surprised," she said gently. "I... I know what it is to keep things locked up... Even when I shouldn't. You know that very well."
"I guess I do," I said, chuckling softly as I recalled the New Fluttershy. I reached up to Fluttershy's mane and ran my fingers through it. She hummed softly, happily. "I just... Fluttershy, I..." I sighed and looked up at the ceiling again. "I don't know how to express it."
"You're afraid of being the last of your kind," Fluttershy said quietly. "You're afraid that means everything... Everything was for nothing. And by extension, that you are nothing."
I looked at her in shock. She bashfully looked away.
"You... When you speak of humans, you talk about the great things you've done, as individuals and as a species," Fluttershy said. "Going to your moon, splitting the atom, television, epics. Um... Even if you disagree with other people, even if you hate some members of your people... You love humanity, and you try to explain humans to others so that they don't come off as frightening, or wrong."
"I... Well..." I sighed. "Yeah... Yeah, I do."
"It's as much for you as it is for them," Fluttershy continued. "You don't want to be thought of as some freak, or monster, and you know that we might be afraid of the strange and alien. And talking about your people... Makes you feel less... Um... Well..."
"Alone?" I asked. Fluttershy nodded, and looked down.
"I'm very sorry," she immediately apologized. "I didn't mean to psychoanalyze you-"
"Yes you did," I said flatly. Fluttershy sighed. I managed to smile at her, and stroked her hair. "I don't mind it though, I guess."
"You don't?" Fluttershy asked with a smile.
"Of course I don't," I said. I thought about it. "Well... Maybe I do, a little." At Fluttershy's distressed look, I groaned. "Okay, I do mind it... But mainly because I'm angry I didn't think of it myself."
"You're not perfect, Andrew," Fluttershy said with a smile. "But I think that makes you a better person if you accept that. I mean... Um... I've heard it can make you a better person. Sometimes..."
I sighed and hugged her. Fluttershy hummed happily. "Thanks Fluttershy," I said softly.
"Mm... You're welcome Andrew," Fluttershy sighed back. She looked at me seriously. "And... You do know, you can talk to any of us, right?"
"Yeah," I said. "You tell me that, I just... I don't know if you can understand."
"Being the last of your kind? Maybe not," Fluttershy admitted. "But feeling alone and depressed? That we do understand."
I sighed and looked back up at the ceiling. "Yeah... Yeah, I guess."
"And if you withdraw too much, you know we'll try to get it out of you," Fluttershy said quite seriously. I scowled down at her, almost playfully.
"You can try," I said. Fluttershy smiled.
"We broke Applejack. We can br-break you... For your own good, I mean," she said quickly. Despite her stutter though, she was using her deep, sexy voice. The voice that reminded me of GLaDOS in Portal: Equal parts scary and arousing.
Don’t judge me.
"As a great human once said, 'I have not yet begun to fight,'" I replied with a smirk. Fluttershy giggled and nuzzled my neck.
- - - - -
Fluttershy and I trotted down a hallway, passing by a few workers and servants. The interior of the palace reminded me of numerous similar places I'd seen in video games.
"Hmm..." I stopped at a chest and kneeled down. I opened it up.
"Andrew?" Fluttershy asked.
"Aw man," I muttered, seeing nothing but curtains in the chest. I looked over at the staring Fluttershy and shrugged. "Er... It's complicated. Human thing."
"Were you expecting some gold or jewels?" Fluttershy asked curiously.
"Or maybe some super special awesome weapon or item or coat?" Pinkie Pie asked, popping up behind us. I yelped and fell over as Fluttershy glared at her friend.
"Pinkie!"
"Oops. Sorry!" Pinkie Pie said. "I was just in the neighborhood and Andrew looked like he was hoping for something super special awesome in the chest! Like treasure or a magic weapon or a super awesome spell book for magic!" Pinkie Pie grinned. "Isn't that the case?"
"I uh... Guess so," I said. "Where did you come from, anyway?"
Pinkie Pie looked at me with a confused expression, and then took my hands between her hooves. She sighed.
"Oh poor Andrew... Don't worry! Your Auntie Pinkie Pie will explain everything you need to know before you have foals with Fluttershy or Twilight or both!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "Now, when a human and a pony and another pony love each other very much-"
I yanked my hands away as I saw Fluttershy begin to turn bright red. "I really should have seen that coming," I muttered.
"Probably, but it was funny," Pinkie said. "And I heard you'd seen some really messed up junk lately so you needed a Pinkie Pie style cheering up!"
"Well, it wasn't... You know... That bad," I said.
"You mean, you weren't falling into a pit of despair over the fact you might be the last human being? Aside from Rabbit?" Pinkie Pie asked. "Which might be a major reason for your depression?"
"... Okay, that would be a source of depression," I said.
"Andrew," Fluttershy said with a hint of disapproval. I sighed.
"Well come on!"
- - - - - -
The balcony I was brought to afforded a beautiful view of the rest of Canterlot as the sun began to dip towards the horizon. In the ruddy glow of the sunset, everything seemed warmer and more beautiful than in full daylight. Yet I couldn't help feeling uneasy at the same time, as every shadow became long, and the sky glowed the color of blood.
Fluttershy can only do so much to alleviate your fears of being the last of your kind.
I spotted Rarity and Applejack doing some arguing, with Dash goading both ponies eagerly from above. Nearby around a little table sat Twilight, Shining Armor, and a pink alicorn whose face we couldn't see from behind. All three were talking, almost happily. I say almost because Twilight's smile seemed more than a little strained.
Fluttershy trotted on one side of me, while Pinkie Pie trotted on the other. And when we got right up to the table, Pinkie cleared her throat.
"Everypony! Allow me to present the Dragon Frightener! The Tartarus Gate Knocker! The Handy Man from Upright Walking Ape Land-!" Pinkie recited. I sighed and opened my mouth to interrupt her, when the pink alicorn turned around. Her eyes widened, and I swore I saw a flash of green in her pupils as she gaped.
"Ah!" She cried, slamming back against the table. Shining and Twilight both sat up from the table and stared in shock. I lifted my hands up defensively and smiled with my mouth closed. Ponies tended to be a little uneasy when I showed my teeth off.
Fluttershy seemed to like it, but uh... I'm not going to get into that.
"Woah woah! I'm just a plain ordinary human!" I said quickly. "Really!"
"A-A human?" She gasped.
"Yes Cadence! A human," Twilight said. "His name is Andrew. He's our... Friend! A dear friend."
"Oh... Oh my," Cadence said, gasping for breath as she rested a hoof on her chest. Shining shot her a confused look, which seemed to vanish as he looked me up and down. "Oh... Of course... Sorry. You'll have to forgive me. I've never seen a human before, you understand." She gave me a little smile. "All that I know of your kind is from legends."
“And that you have riding crops,” Shining said in a flat tone. Twilight began to cough furiously, as Fluttershy looked aside with a blush. I immediately began looking for alternative exits. Seems like there were only two - The door I’d come through, and over the balcony railing.
Judging from Shining’s expression, he was going to make me go for option two.
“Well, uh, not so much friends as-” I tried to explain.
“Lovers? Isn’t that what you call your relati-MMPH!” Pinkie Pie’s mouth was covered by Applejack’s hoof, and the orange mare dragged her out.
"My granny always did say two's company and three is eavesdropping," Applejack said with a sage nod.
“What about ten?” Dash asked with a little grin. Rarity sighed, and a ribbon wrapped around Dash’s neck to drag her out the door. The pegasus struggled. “H-Hey! HEY! Let me go!”
“Mmmmgnh!” Pinkie also protested. All four of our friends were soon out the door, leaving a mountain of awkwardness behind. Shining glared death at me, and I found myself reaching for my gun.
I wasn’t surprised it hadn’t magically reappeared in my holster, but my reflex to go for it has usually saved me in the past.
“So... You’re dating a human then?” Shining asked ominously. Twilight coughed.
“W-Well... Er... Kind of, yeah.”
“And another mare, if my senses tell me correctly,” Cadence said. Shining’s eyes widened in shock, as Fluttershy shyly waved at him.
“Um, hello,” she said. “I-I’m Fluttershy...”
“Probably not the best time to bring this up,” I said.
“Can you think of a good time for it?” Shining asked. I clutched at my duster, again not feeling a gun in my holster. Damnit.
“Um...”
“While we were busy with our honeymoon, perhaps?” Cadence asked, chuckling slightly. Shining fumed, and I felt magic burning in the air around us. Twilight trotted in front of me and Fluttershy, shielding us with an indignant look.
“Shining Armor! Are you disapproving of my love life?”
“How can you have a love life?! You’re my little sister, and you didn’t even tell me-!” Shining tried, but Twilight’s eyes flashed with magic.
“And you didn’t tell me you were marrying my foalhood babysitter!” Twilight retorted.
Shining sputtered. “Th-That’s different from dating a human and another mare and not telling me!”
“How is it your business? I could date all my friends and make a huge harem for my coltfriend and you couldn’t say anything!” Twilight growled.
“Please, stop giving her ideas and me headaches,” I said quickly. Twilight looked up at me angrily.
“Oh, so we’re headaches then?” Twilight asked. I rubbed the back of my head.
“Er, what I meant by that is-”
“Pl-Please stop fighting,” Fluttershy squeaked. Cadence laughed, and shook her head as she tapped her hoof down on the table.
“Now now, Shining! Twilight! Everypony, relax,” she said. She looked over at her fiance with a smile. Shining glared back angrily.
“But Cadence-”
“My love, you should be pleased,” the alicorn said. “Twilight has found love! That alone is always something to celebrate.” She trotted up to me, and looked up and down. She trotted around me, and I felt her wing brush over my rump.
“Okay, what,” I asked flatly.
“But just look at him!” Cadence continued happily. “He’s a human! Theirs is a species of mighty warriors, engineers, and protectors! Over the Rainbow Bridge you came, long ago, to protect Ponykind and build a mighty empire! Well before the rise of the alicorns.” She laughed. “Why, I bet dragons are scared stiff of you!”
“W-Well, they are... Mostly,” I said, confused and somewhat pleased. Cadence sighed happily, and nuzzled my hand.
“Such intelligence, such power... The ability to conquer whole worlds without magic! So very... Dangerous,” she practically purred. She looked over at Twilight with what I can only describe as a lascivious grin. “You’re a lucky mare, Twilight Sparkle. Very lucky indeed!”
“Well... Thanks, I guess,” my marefriend said, frowning thoughtfully. Shining fumed as Cadence looked over at Fluttershy. Her smile widened.
“As for the harem, I’m even more pleased! After all, I’m the Goddess of Love. The more love, the better!”
“Woah,” I said, blinking in disbelief. “You mean you and Shin-?”
“Andrew!” Fluttershy squeaked. Cadence just looked over as Shining, whose dark expression turned into one of vapid happiness.
“The more love... The better,” Cadence said firmly. Fluttershy squeaked and hid behind me. Twilight blushed... But still looked thoughtful.
And me, well... I decided I needed to change the subject. Quickly. This was getting weird.
“Er... I actually wanted to talk to you specifically about the ship you and Shining found,” I said carefully.
“Ship?” Twilight and Fluttershy asked. Shining’s eyes dilated slightly, and he opened his mouth to take a breath.
“Oh! The Sophia, correct?” Cadence quickly interrupted. Shining’s mouth closed, and he again looked calm and collected. Well, if you call “stoned” calm and collected.
I call them how I see them.
“The Sophia?” Twilight asked curiously.
“Oh yes, we found a human spacecraft some months ago,” Cadence explained. “When we found it, it was confiscated. I didn’t know it was stored here in the palace.” She raised her eyebrows at me with a sudden intensity.
“Well, neither did I,” I said. “But uh, that’s beside the point.”
“Really? That’s wonderful!” Twilight said with a bright smile.
“Except it may mean he’s the last of his kind,” Fluttershy said. Twilight gaped.
“What?!” She gasped, looking at me in a mix of horror and pity. She reached out for me and hugged me around the midsection. “I... I don’t-”
“I know,” I sighed. Great. Just when I was thinking I could... Well... Not sink into a deep dark depression.
Twilight’s hooves were gently but firmly removed from my person by Cadence’s telekinesis. The pink alicorn smiled gently. “Fluttershy? Would you be so kind as to fill Twilight in? This may be best handled between myself and Andrew...” She glanced over at Shining, who was still sitting looking like he’d taken some really, really good pills. “Alone.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but Cadence still had that intense look. A look that seemed to just scream in the silence: Do what I say.
Hey, I’m stupid, not crazy.
“Oh...” Shining shook his head free of whatever trance he’d been in, and gave a nod and smile. “Of course. Come on Twilight, Fluttershy. We still need to catch up, right?”
“I... Well...” Twilight looked at me earnestly. I shook my head and smiled.
“I uh... I’ll be fine,” I said. Fluttershy also frowned, but slowly nodded.
“All right,” Twilight said. Twilight left looking back at me over her shoulder in concern. Fluttershy lingered for a moment, but I gave her my best smile. She slowly trotted after, still looking concerned.
And adorable, but that goes without saying.
I turned my eyes back to Cadence, who was sizing me up like a piece of meat. I tugged at my collar, feeling exceptionally uncomfortable.
“So,” Candece began, rubbing a hoof in a circle on the table, “what did you want to know?”
“Well,” I said, “I guess I wanted to know how you found it.”
“Oh... Well, Shining and I were out on a romantic trip through the Northern Woods,” Cadence said with a smile. “It was like a falling star, except it differentiated itself by showing there was control behind its movements.”
“Control?!” I gasped. “You mean... There was someone in there?”
“Now now, let me finish,” Cadence said in a tone clearly meant to be soothing, but rubbed me the wrong way. “We followed its path into a field, where we found long burns in the grass. We trotted up to the craft, but it was too hot to approach for quite some time.”
I frowned. “I guess it came in through the atmosphere.” I remembered something about how hot the Space Shuttle could get after coming down through the atmosphere. Admittedly, I remembered that mainly from that one episode of X-Men but hey, rare moment of real science in a show about puberty giving you super powers.
“When it cooled down enough, we approached the craft,” Cadence said. “And saw that it was mostly intact. We were able to open the hatch...” She bowed her head, looking solemn. I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry.
“And...?” I asked.
“We found a human. A female, I believe,” the alicorn said softly. She bowed her head. “She didn’t live long. She did at least tell us what happened.”
“What?” I asked.
Cadence looked intently at me, and rubbed her hooves together.
“She’d been part of a great effort to fight off an alien threat to their world. Terrible monsters that sought to conquer humanity. They fought bravely, putting their resources and sciences together into a mighty warship.” She smiled and licked her lips.
“They harnessed the power of the atom to drive their mighty ship to attack the alien mothership in orbit. In the midst of the battle, her vessel was caught in something. Something that sent her vessel through the barriers of universes to crash on our world.” She looked sad at me and sighed. “We buried her after she died, and signalled the Royal Guards to recover the vessel. After that, I’m sad to say, it was out of my hooves.”
“I... I see,” I said quietly. Cadence smiled at me, her wings spreading.
“She spoke of the courage and fire of your world,” the princess spoke. “Of your defiance in the face of such terrible odds. Apparently your species had abandoned almost all of your internal conflicts just to fight the invaders. It speaks of a great race, and I felt the love she felt for her people to the very end.”
“... I see,” I said. Cadence trotted around, and nuzzled my face. I abruptly realized I was sitting down. I didn’t know when that had happened.
“Be proud of your legacy,” Cadence practically purred. “It may yet serve me... And Equestria. I can think of no better tribute to your people.”
“I... Thanks,” I said with a nod. I hugged her back, feeling grateful. I pulled back when her breath seemed to linger on my neck a bit too long. I cleared my throat, feeling awkward. Cadence coughed herself.
“Ah! Sorry, I did not mean to seem so... Forward,” she said. “Goddess of Love and all.”
“Right, right,” I said with a nod. “Goddess of love.”
“Though I do have interests outside of it,” Cadence said with a smile. “Tell me... Where are they keeping the Dream Chaser anyway?”
“Huh? Oh, Royal Archives,” I said. Cadence frowned.
“There are many such archives, Andrew. Can you be more specific?”
That nagging feeling that something was wrong hit me again. I frowned back at her.
“You could ask Luna, right?” I asked. “I barely know my way around the palace as is.”
Cadence sighed, and slowly nodded. “Of course. I was merely curious,” she said. “So many interesting things were in that vessel.” Her smile grew... Almost saucy. “I would so... So love to learn about them from you.”
“Er... Sure,” I said, backing away again. “After the wedding?”
“I shall hold you to that, Andrew Shepard,” she said with a smile and a wink. An expression that seemed to just make me want to get the hell out of there sooner.
I don't care how hot a woman is (potentially, I mean). I'm not going for a Mrs. Robinson. Especially one engaged to the big brother of my marefriend.
A big brother who seems to already dislike me. Why give him more reasons?
- - - - -
I wandered the hallways of Canterlot Palace as the day turned into night. I came to a window and just looked out across the valley, and saw that the lights were coming on in Ponyville. They seemed to reflect the stars as they appeared overhead, and the majesty of the heavens was on full display. The great vastness of a galactic arm, like the Milky Way back home, flowed overhead. Stars of every color twinkled above me, and I even saw a few shooting stars.
It did grant me some comfort, this sight. I had grown up looking up at the night time sky - My father would take me outside when I was a baby and told me I seemed to calm down from a crying fit when I got a good look. It might have just been the darkness but a good story deserves some embellishment.
So for this tale, take that for what it's worth. Though believe me, anything that causes me equal joy and misery is most decidedly not exaggerated.
So I gazed, and wondered, and gazed some more and tried to avoid thinking of my world in flames. Or that my marefriend's sister-in-law had practically been hitting on me.
I'm not sure what kind of person it makes me to have to wonder which was worse. And I kind of felt terrible for wondering that.
"Andrew!" I was broken out of my solitude by Pinkie's voice. I looked up and frowned as I couldn't see her in the darkened hallway.
"Pinkie? Where are you?" I asked. There was some giggling, and I saw a dark shape running ahead of me. Something seemed off about the shape and sound of her running, but I was too confused to really process it.
"Pinkie! Where are you going?" I called, giving chase. The dark shape turned down a hallway, giggling all the way, and I continued my pursuit. Past suits of armor that seemed menacing in the darkness, and paintings whose eyes followed me.
I lost track of her in the darkness, and I skidded to a halt. I was breathing hard, my heart pounding in my ears as I looked around. My fists clenched.
"Come on, this way~," she sang from behind me, and I spun around to see the shape flee down another hallway. A door opened, and slammed shut as I rounded the corner. Light shone from underneath the crack, and I could see indistinct shadows dancing across the floor.
I tread carefully, walking right up to the side of the doorframe. My back against the wall, I stretched out my hand to grasp the knob.
My other hand slid to my gun holster... Which was, again, empty. Damn security guards.
Okay, I thought to myself as I steeled my nerves. Okay... One... Two... Three...!
I turned the knob and burst into the room, ready for an attack.
... Which I did indeed get. But not the kind I was expecting.
"SURPRISE!" Shouted the holders of the Elements of Harmony, all with a happy smile and arms thrown up in the air.
Wait... Arms? Human faces? ... I looked lower.
"Oh... My," I mumbled. Twilight managed a smile.
"Well... After Fluttershy told us what happened -"
"We decided to have Twilight turn us all into humans to cheer you up!" Rainbow Dash said cheerfully. She posed. "What do you think?"
"Ooh! This is so awesome!" Pinkie Pie said with a happy giggle, as she... Bounced. "Ooh! I'm like a big, bouncy castle! Yay!"
"Um... You do like it, don't you?" Fluttershy asked, covering herself with her wings. And she had a lot to cover. Hoo boy did she have a lot to cover.
"Gotta say, ah do like these hands," Applejack said, admiring her strong, tanned fingers. "Say Twilight? Would you be willin' to do this t' me on a regular basis?"
"Oh yes indeed!" Rarity said happily, a pale vision who was admiring herself in the mirror. "I must say, having my horn and hands is simply marvelous!" She turned to me with a flirty smile. "But most importantly... Andrew darling? How do I look as a human?"
"... I think I might pass out now," I said after a moment’s pause. Rarity smirked.
"Still got it~."
A chest of human clothing had been sent up from the archives as well, and sorting through it hadn’t taken very long. Well, it wouldn’t have taken very long if not for Rarity’s insistence on modeling every single article of clothing... And the other women modeling as well.
“This bra thing is very useful!” Fluttershy sighed as she posed in something lacy and satin. Her human form was gorgeous enough to stop traffic. She looked like a bonafide Playboy bunny, with generous curves, long legs and a face that would break your heart. “Finally! These things are very nice, but so big...” She pulled on a turtle neck sweater... Slowly. She’d pulled on a long skirt, which helped make her less... Well... Sort of...
Moving on.
“Mine isn’t quite as big,” Twilight said, pouting slightly as she poked her breasts. She’d refined her human form some - It now had dark skin, giving her an almost Indian look. Her curves were not as generous, but she had poise and from behind she was... Um... Wow.
She looked over her shoulder at her bottom. “These ‘panties’ seem to fit just fine though. What do you think Andrew?”
“... Huh?” I asked. “You say something?” I was understandably quite distracted.
“Ah think he’s a mite distracted,” Applejack observed wryly. She had somehow found some Daisy Dukes and a flannel shirt she’d tied under her very nice... Ahem... Chest. She looked the picture of a tanned, freckled southern belle with strong legs and arms and a heavy chest.
“Well! That just means we must be attractive in any form,” Rarity said with a smile, stretching her arm up over her head in a white Greek chiton. It showed off her long legs, pale skin, small but perfectly formed... Um... Chest, and... Er... Moving on to Pinkie Pie.
“This is great! Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...” Pinkie said, jumping up and down in a tight T-shirt and equally tight bellbottoms. There was only one word for her: voluptuous. Bigger bust than Fluttershy, and a thicker... Um, Bottom, but I recalled that Queen song and it was... Was...
… Yeah, that was no help. Rainbow Dash?
“Mmmm! I was never this flexible in pony form! I wonder if I can still go as fast?” Dash said, bending over backwards to grip her ankles in something tight, yellow and spandex. It showed off her slim, athletic physique and her sun kissed skin. Small bust but boobs were boobs and...
… I was going to die. I was straight up going to die.Like a starving man overeating when he’s given a feast.
“Okay guys, settle down,” Twilight said. She had donned a blouse, over which Rarity had put a tweed jacket and a short black skirt. Fluttershy pulled on a large, furry jacket. I sighed softly and rubbed the back of my head. Twilight walked up next to me, smiling up into my eyes with a shy blush.
“This better?” She asked.
“The nudity was nice... But uh...” I coughed. Applejack sidled up behind me, smirking.
“Made ya want to travel?” She cooed. Rarity got up on my other side, sighing and wrapping her arms around my waist.
“Get in a certain... Mood?” Rarity asked, breathing in my ear. My entire face turned bright red, as Rainbow Dash hovered over me and grinned.
“Wanna join a Mile High-?”
“Why don’t we look through the rest of the artifacts?” Asked Fluttershy. She shrunk back slightly at everyone else’s looks, but she held her ground. “I mean... Andrew is getting really embarrassed... And it’s making me feel...”
“Ooh! Ooh! I know!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, holding her hand up and waving it like she was in school. “Murderously jealous?”
“I wasn’t going to say it,” Fluttershy mumbled, looking down.
Pinkie Pie hugged Fluttershy from behind, pulling her coat open. Fluttershy gasped as I stared... And as Pinkie did some... Things... Oh my...
“Oh m-my!” Fluttershy gasped.
“Now you've got his attention again!” Pinkie said happily.
“Heaven... Is a place on Equestria,” I mumbled with a dopey smile on my face.
Ahem. Right. Well. We finally got all that sorted out, and I went through the other artifacts sent up with the chest.
“This,” I said, holding up a book, “is a copy of a book called ‘The Hobbit.’ It’s a really great fantasy story about a world with elves, dwarves, dragons, wizards-”
“Isn’t that just our world?” Dash asked, as she fiddled with an old leather fedora. Fluttershy smiled.
“You’ll have to read it to us sometime,” Fluttershy said. “I mean, if you want to...”
“I will,” I said. “But Twilight has first dibs!”
“Hm?” Twilight asked, looking over from a stone knife. She nodded, distracted. “Oh, sure...”
I frowned at her. Fluttershy frowned with me.
“Ooh! I must say, I do like these fashions,” Rarity said, flipping through an old fashion magazine. “This hair in particular... It’s so amazing! All these curls and rings, simply marvelous!” She looked up at me with a grin. “Do you think the Princess will let me borrow this?”
“I don’t see why not,” I said with a smile. My eyes returned to Twilight though. My girlfriend was looking very pensive. Pinkie Pie was laughing as she hopped around with a large saddle on her back, Dash riding her and whooping it up. Applejack was looking over a diecast Sherman Tank curiously. I hugged Fluttershy briefly, before I moved over to sit by Twilight on the couch.
“Twilight?” I asked. “Everything all right?”
“Hm? Oh yes. This is fascinating,” Twilight said. “Stone tools, right?”
“Right,” I said slowly. “It’s called a Clovis point...”
“I see,” Twilight said with a nod, looking down at her hands. She turned the Clovis point in them, studying the light reflecting off the shining chert.
“You alright?” I asked. Twilight sighed.
“Well... It’s... Personal,” she said. “And concerns...” Her voice lowered, “Cadence.”
“Ohhh,” I said with a nod. “Well, if you want to talk about it-”
“HEY! I FOUND A RECORD PLAYER!” Pinkie Pie shouted. “COME ON! LET’S PARTY TO ALIEN MUSIC!”
The music started, and I was yanked onto my feet by an enthusiastic Pinkie Pie.
“WOO! Dancing on two feet! Awesome! Show us how it’s done, Andrew!”
“Well, okay,” I said, shooting a silent promise to Twilight. She returned it with a smile as I shook my rump as best I could to The Ballroom Blitz.
Hey, you gotta love the classics. Though being in such close contact with several attractive women led to... Different problems.
- - - - -
After dancing the night away with every one of my beautiful companions, I bid them goodbye and settled back on the bed. I was absolutely exhausted, and even Rainbow Dash looked worn out. Probably not used to a human body yet. Twilight and Fluttershy sat down on either side, my pink haired companion panting especially hard.
“Oh... Oh my... Keeping my balance in this form is hard work!” Fluttershy panted. She gave us a smile. “It was a lot of fun though!”
“Yeah, it was!” Twilight contributed, leaning back against my shoulder. I chuckled and wrapped my arms around her shoulders.
“Been awhile since I had that much fun dancing,” I admitted. “I mean, I like dancing in Ponyville but uh, bit awkward to hold you close.”
“I don’t mind that part too much,” Fluttershy said, humming as she leaned back onto the bed with a little blush. I chuckled at that, and soon Fluttershy was snoozing away. Twilight sighed and nuzzled my neck.
“So... Feeling any better about... Whatever was bothering you about Cadance?” I asked. Twilight sighed.
“What?” I asked.
“She forgot a secret hoofshake we’d done since she was my foalsitter,” Twilight said. I frowned.
“It was a while... She might have just forgotten naturally...”
“And she was acting unusually,” Twilight said. “I mean... You noticed it too, didn’t you?”
“If you mean Shining Armor acting kind of like a zombie, and Cadence being a bit...” I tried to think of a tactful way to express it, but Twilight saved me from such uncomfortable things by nodding.
“That’s right. She’s just been strange ever since we got here, and it’s bothering me,” she said. I nodded.
“I understand... But I don’t know what we can do about it,” I said.
“Fluttershy told me you said something about seeing the spaceship Cadance and Shining found, right?” Twilight asked. I nodded, and rummaged around in my jacket pocket. I pulled out the old iPhone I’d gotten out of the Dream Chaser, and turned it on. Twilight blinked in amazement.
“Oh! It’s like your old phone! How did you get it to work?”
“It was plugged into a port on the spaceship console,” I said. I smiled at her. “So no need to try charging it up.”
Twilight looked a bit contrite. “I didn’t mean to burn your hands.”
“I know, I know,” I said. “Lucky for you, it’s got all sorts of files on it!”
“It does huh?” She said eagerly. “Well come on! Let’s see it!”
“I’m not sure if we’ll find anything useful but -”
“It’s worth a shot!” Twilight said, an intense look on her face similar to when she’d nearly had a breakdown over her letter to Princess Celestia. I held my hands up.
“Sure, sure...”
Swiping my thumb over the screen, I look through the files. I showed Twilight a few photos of the Dream Chaser, letting her pore over them. She soon got the hang of the interface and was flipping through the files like a pro. She then frowned as she found a folder.
“What’s this?” She asked. I frowned over her shoulder.
“That’s weird... I missed that. Looks like some video files.”
“Let’s play them,” Twilight said, tapping on the icon. It took a moment or two for the phone to start up, but the video player opened.
‘Signal Encrypted. Incoming call’ flashed on the screen, nearly initiating my reflex action to tap ‘accept.’ However, the big green button glowed on its own like an invisible entity answered the call.
Static crawled over the screen in a few waves as I heard a woman’s voice answer. I quickly took a knee and angled the screen so Twilight could watch over my shoulder.
“Hello? Isaac are you there?” a bright, bubbly voice called in a sing-song fashion. “Isaac? Ohh, I-saaaaaac!”
The screen stabilized and we were shown the face of the caller and owner of the iPhone. It was a girl... err, woman, actually. She might have been in her late twenties or so. Kind of pretty too, for a military looking lady. She had a straight posture, some kind of formal looking flight suit and the bright insignias indicating a rank on her collar, short dark hair, pretty eyes and the build of a pilot. I remembered an old Discovery Channel show telling that women often proved to be superior pilots because of smaller body-builds able to shrug off intense gee-forces much better.
What? Just because I have a girlfriend I can’t comment on other pretty women and their appearance? C’mon, dude!
A groan rang out, a second voice playing back. This time it was a man with a groggy, barely awake tone. “Nicole?” he groaned.
As his groan rang out, the caller’s eyes widened as she clapped a hand over her smile. “Oh, God. I’m sorry, Isaac. I forgot about the time difference. Look, I’ll call you back-...” Nicole tried.
She was cut off by the second voice, that of the man – no doubt Isaac. “No, no!” he called. “It’s okay. I’m up now...” – as we watched a small box opened up beside the woman’s voice. It revealed his face, a young man with a lean build, stubble on his face and a bed-head. There were dark rings under his eyes, indicating he’d been woken up in the wee-hours of the morning, but despite that he was smiling – “How are you doing?”
“Good.” Nicole breathed. “The Dream Chaser Programme is amazing, Isaac. I can’t believe I’m actually here piloting them.”
“You’ve earned every moment you spend in one of those things.” Isaac chuckled. “If anything, you’re overqualified to fly those tubs.” That made Nicole laugh.
There was a short pause as the couple gazed at each other. Twilight and I took the time to glance at each other, slowly figuring out that we were watching a conversation between a duo separated by... well, God only knew the vast distance. Nicole was working on a spaceship? She could have been in orbit! But where was Isaac?
That question was partially answered as Nicole continued with a question: “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Isaac seemingly lied with a nod. “We’re around the clock trying to get the Enterprise spaceworthy ay-sap, but... well... y’know. Plenty of stress.”
Nicole frowned. “There’s more to it than that. I heard about some kind of accident with the command crew.”
Isaac sighed. “It wasn’t an accident...do you remember Lieutenant Perkins?” – Nicole nodded – “Well, he ain’t Lieutenant Perkins anymore. Turned out he was a changeling infiltrator. That’s the fourth time this week they’ve tried to uproot the Archangel Project now.”
“Oh, God. I’m sorry.”
Isaac managed a shrug. “It’s okay. They subdued him before he could contact the rest of the hive. Our location is still a secret.”
Another long pause between them before Nicole perked up a little. “Thank you, Isaac.”
The man in the corner of the screen frowned a little confusedly. “For what?”
“For being...” She shrugged, though not a casual shrug. More like a shrug that said she wasn’t sure what to say. “For being strong. For being brave... for being you, no matter the situation.”
A small smile crawled over Isaac’s face. “Just remember I have to miss you for a year just to help save humanity.”
“Appreciate it.” Nicole flashed her white teeth with a grin. Then she frowned, noting her boyfriend was on the verge of losing consciousness. “You’d better get some sleep if you wanna build spaceships today, Chief Engineer Clarke.”
Isaac gave a sleepy laugh as he nodded. “Yeah. That sounds like a good idea, Petty Officer Brennan.” He added with a chuckle.
Smiling, Nicole leaned forward and gave the lens of her iPhone camera a kiss. “Goodnight, Isaac.”
Call ended. The words flashed a few times on the screen before a new vid-log spooled to life, sitting idle on the screen in the place of Petty Officer Nicole Brennan’s sweet face... cough. I just wrote sweet face, didn’t I? Hopefully Twilight doesn’t read this.
A new log spooled onto the screen. We huddled over the iPhone once again as it flashed to life.
The frame squared right on Nicole’s face as the owner stared into her phone with worry in her eyes. She seemed to be typing frantically at the screen of the iPhone, muttering under her breath.
“C’mon, c’mon.” she whispered softly, staring intensely at the screen. “Pick up, Isaac. Pick up!”
“We’re sorry, but there is currently and issue with the network…” a familiar droning female voice announced.
Much to the woman’s frustration as the frame pivoted and rolled as Nicole threw her arms up in frustration. “Dammit!” she cursed out loud as the ambient noise slowly became more obvious.
Holding the phone down by her side, we got a sideways view of the world around her. Although, I use the term ‘world’ loosely as it seemed she was indoors. I however recognized the environment. The cramped cockpit, the flight seat, the un-aesthetic lines of the Dream Chaser interior.
Nicole slumped back against one of the inner walls as a head popped through the familiar round hatch in the floor of the craft. A man with a cropped hairstyle and a square jaw looked up to see Nicole. Where he held his position, I could just about make out the pale blue and grey camouflage pattern on the collar of his BDU.
“Ma’am,” the marine called out. “Time to go.”
Without reply, Nicole tucked the phone into her pocket, blacking out the camera. But not the microphone. While there was nothing to see, we could hear the petty officer’s journey. We heard screaming, shouting and thousands of footsteps rattling on corrugated deck plates. There were desperate cries of crew chiefs bellowing at crewmates, something about buckling down equipment. There were more loud voices talking about getting to the shelters.
Something about ignition in five.
Moments later light washed out the iPhone camera. We stared at a blank screen for a second more before the lens adjusted and we were looking at Nicole’s face again. She was sitting back in some kind of crash-seat. Belts buckled over her shoulders and torso, holding her tightly in place. She was still typing at the screen with desperation.
Then we heard an explosion.
The blast shook her whole seat, even the screen blurred out as camera struggled to keep up, causing the frame rate to drop a few FPS. When the frames restored, Nicole was looking over her shoulder to a man in an identical jumpsuit to hers. He was huddled over a small window beside his seat. It was like one of those small portholes on board a commercial airliner. Through it, flashes of fiery light were visible on the man’s face.
“What is it?”
He turned wide eyed to Nicole, pointing out the window. “Holy hell, Nic! The air-force is going to town on those bugs!”
Leaning in for a closer look, Nicole held up her phone and held the camera to the glass so we could see on the recording. The harsh natural light washed out the camera again and it took a few moments to adjust before we were treated to chaos.
Not the Discord kind of chaos, but real chaos. Sleek fighter jets slashed through the air one way. Small vector-shaped craft with chitinous hulls and glowing green running-lights cut through the air in the opposite way. Missiles exploded into blossoming flowers of destruction, heat beams seared the sky, volatile green projectiles peppered through the sparse cloud cover.
“Oh, my God.” Nicole whispered as she backed up. “What the hell are we still doing on the ground?”
Her buddy leaned forward in his seat, or at least tried to as the belts held him in place. “C’mon! Get this bucket off the ground already!”
“Hey!” a gruff voice bellowed from an unseen location. “We’re setting off a nuke in our tail-end, okay!? This ain’t exactly something you wanna rush!”
Nicole’s fellow pilot cursed before looking at her. “This sucks. Stuck in the world’s biggest bullseye, maser and plasma fire so thick you can walk on it… get me to my damn Dream Chaser, man.”
There was a laugh from one of the seats behind them. “You wanna fly a Dream Chaser in-atmo and kill yourself, be my guest. Long as it shuts you up.”
“Blow me.” Was the man’s retort.
And then they all shut up when another explosion rocked the deck.
“Okay, I think I got it!” came a voice from the very top of the chamber. “Let’s hope this works!”
“Just make sure the handbrake is off.” Came a quick quip.
“Pucker up!” the voice from the top of the chamber returned. “Welcome to the express elevator to heaven! We don’t stop ‘till the top!”
Another explosion shook the deck, this time completely blanking out the screen. The noise however persisted unlike the other blasts. It was deafening, to the stage where the poor iPhone’s speakers cracked up and just hissed white noise for several persistent moments.
Quite simply put, it sounded like God was caught in an epic round of fisticuffs with Odin; and neither were pulling any punches.
And then silence.
Not because the noise had ended. Silence followed because the point of view suddenly jumped. The screen had flashed black for a second, and then we were looking at some grainy test footage. It looked like the kind of cheap setup of a camera watching a nuclear bomb test-site.
Twilight gaped angrily, wanting to know what was happening with Nicole and her friends probably, but soon she understood as the new viewpoint panned to the left. At least, I assumed she understood. I certainly did understand. Failed to comprehend, but understood.
What I was looking at was a little messed up to say the least. But considering I was watching a live action flashback to my planet being invaded by aliens, it made a strange kind of sense. I was looking at – and I’m probably putting this more simply than I should – a spaceship.
Yup… spaceship. A nuclear bomb powered spaceship to be exact. You ever hear of Project Orion? No? Then look it up! At least you have an internet connection.
Alright, so long story short, Project Orion was an experiment with nuclear propulsion. Simply put, you take a spaceship, set off a nuke underneath it and watch that thing take off. And that’s layman’s terms on epic proportions.
That’s what the recording had panned over to. A spaceship that simply had to be the result of a modern Project Orion. At the base was a massive dome shaped construction topped by truly immense shock absorbing pistons. Connected to those was the main body of the ship, the hull adorned with airlock mounted with several stark white space shuttles and a complement of smaller orbital fighters and interceptors. Between the mounted craft were dozens of shuttered ports, access hatches and last but certainly not least what looked like a full supplement of turrets, everything from high calibre ballistic cannons to masers. Topping the main body of the ship was a conical armoured shield, pointed directly at the sky. Emblazoned across the shield in dark lettering was a name no science fiction fan would miss:
ENTERPRISE
“Of course,” I murmured with a little smile.
Fire and debris lit up around the stationary ship as two forces contested for the air-space around the craft. At the distance the battling aircraft looked like little dots, flies caught in infinite orbits around each other.
“What is that?” Twilight whispered, pointing a hoof at the spaceship now fully centred on the screen.
“Give it a second.” I said, barely able to contain my smirk. “You’re about to find out.”
Lo and behold, Twilight found out abruptly.
At the base of the ship a series of nuclear devices exploded, pounding the ground with a significant thump. It was like the devil decided he wanted out, with halos of dust and debris rippling out throughout the surrounding desert. The shock-absorbers flexed and the ship lifted several dozen feet into the air at first, allowing the fires of hell to escape out from under the tail-dome. The dots orbiting the launch site seemed to have sensed the activity. A mass of dots I just about made out as human jets hit the afterburners and scrammed. Left behind were the oddly shaped alien vessels which were immediately plucked out of the sky like toys, sent spinning in every direction. A haze of dirt washed over the camera, blacking out the image as the shockwave knocked what I assumed was a tripod, over.
The camera may have been farther away from the initial launch-blast than Nicole’s iPhone on board, but the noise recorded was no less in volume. It still sounded like the mighty boot Jack Bauer kicking down the gates of heaven. Like Marcus Fenix had just revved up a chainsaw bayonet and was taking it to the face of the devil. Like Eminem had just ripped out God’s tongue and was using it to lay down some sick beats. Like Duke Nukem just had an out of date microwave burrito assault its way out his…
Okay, I’m getting away from the point a bit. The point is, when the dust faded, our point of view was on the side, watching the ship rise into the sky trailing a thick streak of black smoke.
I know the situation was helpless – humanity being eviscerated by aliens and all – but after seeing that… damn it felt good being human. I actually gave in and saluted with a stiff upper lip, eliciting a weird look from the unicorn beside me.
The recording blacked out again before spooling up the next log.
The point of view cut back to nicole’s iPhone. The cheers of hundreds of men and women met our ears. There were rounds of applause, militaristic cheers, mottos and jargon yelled out to express joy.
“Enterprise away.” A woman’s voice announced over what sounded like an intercom. “This is it, people. One small step for humankind.”
The only one not giving into the celebrations, it seemed, was Nicole. The camera focused on her concerned frown as she desperately jabbed at the screen of her phone. She was still trying to get a hold of her boyfriend, but with no success.
Behind her we could see the effects of zero-gravity taking hold. Her hair was already drifting up into a tangled mess, and one of her pilot buddies whooped as he cartwheeled past.
And then there was a familiar man’s voice.
“Nicole!” he cried loudly, drawing a gasp from the woman as she jerked her head up. Her eyes widened and she fumbled with the buckles of her harness. She threw the phone aside a she launched herself out of her seat.
Twilight and I both leaned back, feeling a little queasy as a mess of various blurry colors and images smeared across the screen. The image jolted as the phone bumped into a wall and steadied the camera. We found ourselves looking across the tops of the rows of seats. Nicole was upside down, had her back to the phone.
Her arms were wrapped firmly around Isaac, who hugged her back. Something crashed into the phone, sending it spinning away again before the recording ended there.
Twilight sighed with a grin, seemingly glad to see Nicole and Isaac had escaped together. I forced a grin too… but deep down I knew there was more to come. That their story had yet to meet a tragic end. The ignorant part of me wanted to just believe the ‘Enterprise’ as they were calling it was just a colony ship escaping the conflict on Earth. That Nicole and her boyfriend lived happily ever after on another planet somewhere in the vast universe.
The realist in me knew that was total crap. The Enterprise was no colony ship; that much was plainly obvious.
With a heavy heart I watched the next recording load.
The next images were disjointed and chaotic. Images of the internal workings of the Enterprise, shadows and light, until we were back in familiar territory: The cockpit of the Sophia. We were seeing Nicole from the dashboard, as she hit buttons and controls outside the view of the camera to bring the vessel online. She was clad in her spacesuit, and fully strapped in. Though the faceplate, you could see her concerned face. A voice sounded over the radio.
“All pilots, stand by. Main weapons are going hot. Brace yourselves!”
“Main weapons?” Twilight muttered. Nicole gripped the controls tightly and closed her eyes. The camera shook again as a loud bang went off, and static filled the screen. The image returned, and Nicole was blinking her eyes.
“Hope that damn shielding holds up,” she muttered.
“Don’t worry Starbuck, you’ll get to have Clarke’s babies. Though thanks to that graser, they might get an extra head,” a female voice said. Nicole scowled, visible even through the faceplate.
“That’s not damn funny,” she said. “Ready to launch!”
“We’re coming into firing range,” the voice from before stated. “Looks like their main gun is offline.”
“Let’s hope it stays that way,” Nicole said grimly. Her grip on the control sticks increased, and another countdown sounded. The image rattled and shook, as though the Enterprise was going through turbulence.
“Shuttles and Chasers, you’re up first! Plow the road!” A commanding voice announced over the intercom. “Shenzhous and Soyuz, stick close! Dragons and Orions, follow through and fire off everything you’ve got!”
Nicole hit a button on the control panel, and the view switched to what I presumed was out the nose of the Sophia. We were seeing the back of the forward shield of the ship and over the dorsal section of a Space Shuttle. Lights were flashing around the vessel, and each impact made the ship shake. The shuttle then slowly, silently moved away from the hull of the Enterprise, paint flakes scattering in a cloud. Twilight and I both gasped when the shuttle cleared the hull of the vessel, because we got a good look at the Enterprise’s target.
It was huge, and starfish shaped. The hull was dark and chitinous, with glowing hive-like structures gathered in the center. Long spines jutted out from every arm of the vessel, forming an intricate web in between them.
“A mothership,” I muttered. Twilight frowned.
“It looks huge,” she murmured. I nodded.
“Yeah...”
The ominous vessel was being lit up by explosions - Going off in the space between the Enterprise and the mothership, and on the surface of the mothership itself as some of the human warship’s shots got through. Through this hellish fireworks display, the space shuttle carrying the Sophia flew. And then we saw them: Alien fighters, dozens of them. They burst from the great arms of the mothership and silently screamed into the battle. It was this point Sophia detached from the shuttle, and we got to see the brave vessel plow on ahead through the maelstrom.
“This is Hammer to Chasers,” a masculine voice announced over the radio. “Stay out of Enterprise’s firing solution! Save the Foxes for the Hive itself! Over!”
“Roger!” Nicole announced. The shuttles kept shooting ahead, as the Sophia powered on into the fight. Bug fighters flew like demons, launching green plasma projectiles this way and that as the image spun about. It became highly disjointed and confusing, as Nicole was aggressively piloting her ship like her namesake would.
A SpaceX Dragon capsule launched several missiles just before it was annihilated in a blast of green weapons fire.
A Shenzhou (or maybe a Soyuz) spacecraft, its orbital module replaced with a weapon module packing a MASER cannon, intercepting missiles with deadly accuracy.
Enterprise took a direct hit on her nose from a kamikaze Changeling fighter, which the mighty Earth warship shrugged off as she continued firing despite numerous craters and cracks in her shield.
One of the space shuttles collided with the Mothership, exploding into several flashbulb-like bursts that left Twilight and myself blinking heavily. Nuclear detonations, I realized. The shuttle had probably blown them just before impact.
And all through it, frantic radio commentary. Much of it too garbled to make out as the Changeling mothership got bigger, and bigger, and bigger in the camera view. The mothership was venting atmosphere from large cracks visible in the vast insect-like plates that made up the hull. The Sophia was getting close enough you could make out craters - Some new, some ancient.
“Enteprise to flock, she’s making a run for it!” Was yelled over the radio. “Throw everything you’ve got! We can’t let it escape!”
“Understood!” Nicole shouted. “Foxes away!”
Missiles left the sides of the ship, shooting forward on tails of fire. Sophia’s view spun away, and the camera shook violently. The mothership again appeared on the screen, fires now joining the venting. Enterprise then came into view, and it was astonishing just how much the mothership dwarfed the human battleship.
“All fighters, break, break, break!” Called Hammer.
“What, is Enterprise going to ram?!” Nicole shouted, concern for Isaac clear in her voice.
“Sure as hell hope not!” Hammer shouted back. “Out!”
The Dream Chaser turned again, accelerating towards the huge blue form of the Earth. The camera flipped back around though, and we were able to see the mothership and Enterprise as they battled - David and Goliath. I sucked in a breath, and I felt Twilight’s hand in mine.
“Isaac... Isaac! Can you hear me?” Nicole cried, plaintive over the radio. “Isaac! Answer me!”
“Nicole,” came his voice, ragged and desperate. “Nicole! We’re trying something! Get clear!”
“Trying something? What are you trying - ?” Nicole tried.
“GET CLEAR!”
“What are they doing?” Twilight asked, squinting.
“Well,” I said as I focused, “it looks like they’re going to ram the ship...” I saw the tell tale bullet-shape of Enterprise’s forward shield. “Backwards?”
Twilight’s eyes widened, and she smiled. “Of course! They’re going to detonate the same weapons that propelled them - !”
A massive fireball erupted from underneath the Enterprise’s pusher plate. The majority of the blast was absorbed by the mothership’s core, directly astern of the human battleship. As Enterprise accelerated away from the Changeling vessel, the explosions continued to grow. Bigger, bigger...
“It worked, it worked,” Twilight said with a smile. I was wearing a similar smile, and I pumped my fist in the air.
Every alien invasion film had come true! My species had kicked alien ass!
And then the mothership exploded into a new green star, and everything went blank.
“Oh no,” I muttered softly, and Twilight squeezed my hand tightly. I looked over at her, and her face bore the same crushed hope mine did.
“Nicole... Isaac,” she murmured. I wrapped my arm around her waist, and hugged her to my side. I bowed my head.
“It’s so...” Twilight tried, but sighed in sadness. I nodded slowly.
“Yeah...”
The screen flashed on again and we were framed on Nicole. The iPhone was mounted still mounted on her Dream Chaser’s dashboard, looking directly at her. A fiery orange glow bathed her skin as she squinted through the vibrant lights. The whole vessel was rattling and shaking as what sounded like explosions reverberated through the hull. Fireballs bounced along the nose of the vessel causing Nicole to flinch.
Turning her head down to what looked like a comms-panel, she kept one hand on the control yolk while trying to tune a frequency with the other.
“Mayday, mayday! This is Starbuck-two-five, Chasers, going down!” Despite her predicament, I was amazed she managed to keep a level, composed tone while reporting she was about to crash and burn. “I repeat, I am going down! Atmosphere indicates Earth re-entry! Vector, unknown! I’m completely blind! Is there anyone on this channel? Can anyone guide me in, over!?”
There was no reply. A jolt in the controls threw her into the side of her seat, but returning both hands to the yolk she kept the vessel under control.
“Mayday, mayday! This is Starbu-…” looking up from her console, we could see the pilot’s eyes immediately widen. “Oh, fu-…” and out the window was all her composure as the screen turned black following a gut churning crunch!
Literally, I couldn’t help cringe at the sound of shattering glass and twisting metal. Even Twilight winced as if she had felt the Dream Chaser collide with her head-on.
The pause was disconcertingly long and after about thirty seconds we thought the recording would not return at all. Our patience was rewarded though when the screen did flash to life.
The colours corrupted and jagged lines of distortion played havoc with the screen. But after a few moments the visuals stabilised and we had to cock our heads to right the image. It seemed the iPhone had landed on one side, propped up against a rock or a root. We were looking through a few blades of grass at a shattered forest. Mighty, ancient trees lay splintered in the wake of the down Dream Chaser, resting as it belched thick clouds of smoke into the air.
Then we noticed movement at the side of the frame. The ends of her jumpsuit were recognisable, along with the soft soled pilot’s boots.
Nicole’s foot twitched, but didn’t make any more noticeable signs of life. There were heavy thuds nearby, like hooves in the grass. And then with a sudden motion, Nicole moved again. Though not on her own power. Bleeding into the field of view was a sickly green glow before the pilot was dragged away and out of view.
And out of nowhere something black slammed down in front of the iPhone. Twilight and I jumped immediately, almost causing me to drop the phone. In the recording the iPhone did fall, looking up directly at the pony who’d stomped right next to it.
The pony had a midnight black exoskeleton with a tall, lithe build quite like Princesses Celestia and Luna, her greasy looking mane cascading like a sleek waterfall over half her face. With a jagged horn, the alicorn sported a pair of torn insectoid wings and wore a wide malevolent grin revealing her sharp fangs. Her sickly green eyes matched the magical aura emanating from her horn.
Magical flames engulfed her craggy hooves before stretching up and hugging the insectoid-alicorn. When the fire dissipated, standing in her place was a very familiar looking cerise alicorn, an evil green glow in her eyes.
“Oh, man.” I whispered at the realization of who we were looking at.
Even Twilight was shocked, shaking her head in disbelief. “That’s not possible.”
We were looking at Cadence.
The recording cut there, but it wasn’t as if we needed to see any more. We’d seen more than enough.
“… Okay...” I said at last. “I think we’re in trouble.”
“Definitely,” Twilight said. A dark chuckling filled the air above us, and I looked up.
“Aw crap,” I muttered as the thing that was Cadence hovered above us. She smirked.
“So rude of me to not introduce myself... I am Queen Chrysalis,” she said. Her eyes glowed with power, and I was forced down to the bed next to the snoozing Fluttershy. “And you are in my way.”
Twilight rose and her horn lit up with magical power. I reached for my gun - And again, found it missing.
“You...! I won’t let you - !” Twilight cried, but she was cut off as a green aura filled the room.
“Please,” snorted Chrysalis. My girlfriend was seized by magical power and lifted with a squeal.
“Ah! Hey, you can’t-!”
“You expended most of your magical power with your little gift to your boyfriend,” Chrysalis taunted. She dropped Twilight on the floor nearby, briefly releasing me. But there was nothing for it - Chrysalis’s power burst into flames and burst forth over Twilight as she tried to get to her feet.
Twilight squealed as Chrysalis’ aura of magical flames engulfed the floor around her, plunging the unicorn-turned-human into a blazing ring of flames. They burned higher and more vibrant, clawing over her until she was completely obscured from view.
“Twilight, no!” I yelled, my limbs moving before my brain could consider drastic action a very bad idea.
I didn’t seem to care about being affected by whatever magic was engulfing my girlfriend. I couldn’t even muster up the ability to care about being burned if they were flames of immolation. With a cry, I simply launched myself headfirst at where Twilight Sparkle was engulfed in magical fire, hoping to pull her out of it.
Though by the time I got close enough to feel the heat of the flames, they died. The green fingers of death receded into the polished floor, into which I crashed face-down, skidding to a halt with a grating squeal.
Twitching, I looked up to gape at a few strands of the unicorn’s purple and pink hair caught between my fingers where I had almost gotten a hold of her before she vanished. So close, yet so far. The odor of singed fur filled the air, sending all sorts of worst-case-scenarios about Twilight’s fate flashing through my brain.
“T-Twilight?” I stammered, before turning my shocked glare to Chrysalis. “What the hell!? Did... did you just set my girlfriend on FIRE!?” my voice broke like I was fifteen years old again as I yelled that last word.
Why the hell Fluttershy didn't wake up was beyond me. Magic, probably.
“Oh, don’t fret.” Chrysalis huffed. “I wouldn’t lend her the mercy death. I’m going to make that little snitch suffer! She’s going to watch helplessly from the crystal caverns as I tear down her beloved Celestia’s throne brick by brick!” and from there the maniacal bug-pony made a seamless transition into a typical evil-villain’s evil cackle. How original.
I couldn’t be bothered coming up with some kind of snarky comment for it. Letting out a breath of relief I took comfort in the fact Chrysalis had no intention of harming Twilight. I’d figure out how to rescue her later.
If I survived the next five minutes myself.
"As for you, human... Your kind drove me off your world. You proved yourselves cunning, dangerous, daring. Join me! I have rebuilt my armies. We can conquer your world and I will make you the Prince of Earth under my domain!" She grinned. "Just imagine the power! The glory!"
Actually, for an offer devised by a raving lunatic who had seemingly set my girlfriend on fire, that wasn't a half bad offer. I mean, Prince of Earth? Think of the power! I’d have to be as mental to turn it down.
“Okay, sure.” I answered without missing a beat.
Chrysalis gave a small cackle and drew a breath to rattle off a big ol’ prepared speech about how my declining of her offer was foolish. About how my noble character was my downfall... but when she double took my actual answer all that escaped her mouth was a surprised little croak that reminded me of some kind of ju-on toad.
“... Really?”
“Yeah.” I continued, losing more and nerve with the passing of every word. “That sounds cool. Let’s do that. All hail Queen Chrysalis.” I gave a quick bow, hoping it would add to the credibility.
Chrysalis gaped for a moment, then her eyelids drooped and she gave a tired sigh. One hoof rubbed her temple like an impatient teacher dealing with a particularly dense student. “You’re a really bad liar, you know that?”
You didn't think I’d actually go for it, did you? You ought to know me at this stage. Sigh. Silly old noble me.
“I’ve been told that,” I said, managing not to let my voice tremble.
“Still. I’ll give you a chance to reconsider. It would be a foolish queen who discard such an asset so... Easily,” Chrysalis said.
“... Are you coming onto me again?” I asked. Chrysalis glared, and I was lifted off the ground by telekinetic force. “URK!”
“Yes, humans. Always with the jokes and quips,” Chrysalis snorted. I glared back defiantly.
“Why not kill me?” I challenged.
“Yes, see? That’s exactly what I mean,” Chrysalis said, rolling her eyes. “Do you want me to kill you?”
Well, that was a no brainer.
“Of course not! But why don’t you-?”
“Let’s just say,” and Chrysalis floated me in front of the open window. “I’ve got my reasons.” Her fanged grin grew. “See you later, darling.”
And then I was flying through space, the stars spinning overhead, my screams filling the air.
- - - - -
When the vertigo passed I blinked hard a few times. Blinding light filled my vision, forcing my eyelids to clamp shut with surprised tears running from the corner of my sore eyes. Holding up a hand, I blinked away water and let the warm rays filter between my fingers.
Feeling quickly returned to my limbs as I forced myself to sit up. It took a few moments for me to take in the full extent of the sights, but at first glance I couldn’t mistake the fact I was sitting in a forest. A wilderness. Overgrown ivy covered the trunks of the tall trees surrounding me. There were no nearby paths that I could make out, just endless expanses of wild undergrowth, gnarly and twisted branches like twisted fingers of pure evil.
With a sigh I climbed to my feet. Chrysalis had teleported me out of the palace – away from Canterlot altogether! Twilight was nowhere to be seen. I was very much alone. Though Chrysalis had at least made the cliché mistake of not killing me straight away. Long as I was breathing, even if I had to walk the whole way, I’d get back to Canterlot and do unspeakable things to that auto-tune insect. No amount of teleporting me away was going to stop me.
“Well...” I breathed. “This could be bad... though, it could have been worse.”
I instantly regretted my words. Those famous last words.
My train of thought was derailed and my eyes were drawn to movement.
A large cluster of brambles moved, rustling quite loudly. The whole bush moved before parting down the middle with an explosion of thorns and brightly coloured leaves. It landed before me with a pronounced thud on all fours, a deadly looking tail swishing from side to side and a lion’s maw gaping for a mighty roar. That was when realization hit me.
Unruly looking clouds? Uncontrolled undergrowth and randomly placed foliage? Wilderness? This was the one place ponies didn’t come. The one place not managed by the equines of Equestria. This forest wasn’t just any old forest. It was the Everfree Forest!
And the creature landing before me? A manticore! And not just any manticore.
The manticore. The one and only! How could I tell? Well, lets just say when you’re being stalked by a ferocious creature, you can tell. Trust me on that one.
At his proximity to me, the creature didn’t even have to announce himself with a roar. Though that didn’t stop him. I had to cover my ears just to prevent being blinded by the mighty bellow of the beast, never mind deafened. When I recovered from the ringing in my ears, I looked up to properly assess my situation.
“And now it’s worse! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” Arms raised over my head and screaming like a maniac, I ran for the hills. At least, the direction I assumed the hills were in.
If there’s a poor schmuck being chased by a manticore out in the woods while screaming his head off, but there’s nopony around to hear him, does he make a sound...?
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
You know, I have had to re-evaluate the concept of “bad days” entirely since I got to Equestria. Before, a bad day might consist of a speeding ticket, a rough day at work, and at least one fight with a friend. Throw in some new political idiocy to piss me off and there: That was a bad day in Andrew Shepherd’s book.
In Equestria though, a bad day can have all sorts of variety Earth just couldn’t compete with. Like take my current situation.
My girlfriend had been banished to who knows where. An alien shapeshifting queen had invaded my homeworld, and was threatening to invade and conquer my current home. And I had been hunted - hunted - all night by a ravenous monster manticore in a forest full of big, scary monsters.
Until you’ve felt that primal fear of being chased down by something big, furry and sharp toothed; something hungry for your flesh, you do not even know what a bad day is.
Well maybe if you’re that 127 Hours guy but... I’m getting off topic.
The point was, I had a new champion for Worst Day Ever. Even worse than that time the Cutie Mark Crusaders tried to build a rocket ship.
I would write about that little adventure, but everytime I try it devolves into a lot of expletives. Maybe later.
Anyway, Everfree Forest. I had managed to get up into a tree, and I heard the Manticore prowling around beneath me in the darkness. I struggled to catch my breath, absently rubbing a few bruises I’d picked up in my frantic climb.
Not good, not good, I thought as the growling got louder. I looked furtively around in the dark. Thankfully, there was enough moonlight I could at least see otherwise this would have been absolutely hopeless. I pulled a branch off the tree, and ripped a bit of cloth from my shirt. I wrapped it around the tip of the branch, and double checked that my box of matches was in my shirt pocket.
It was, but I didn’t light my improvised torch just yet. And yes, I had taken to carrying matches around.
No I didn’t let the Cutie Mark Crusaders have any. Geez, three fillies get your plans for Earth weapons and somehow you are responsible for every bit of chaos they cause.
Yes, that’s a sore point with me.
All right, I thought to myself. I can just wait him out... He’s got to go for food sometime, right? Then I can get down and... And...
Ah. Right. I had no idea where I was in the Everfree Forest. Well crap, there went that idea. Still, at least I was safe up in this tree. It wasn’t like the Manticore could fly up here, right?
The heavy flapping of wings, like leather being swung against the wind, filled the air. I looked out and saw the form of the Manticore. His teeth glistened in the moonlight, his bat like wings working to keep him airborne, and his claws were extended.
“Oh, right,” I muttered. I managed to keep calm as he landed on a large branch above me, even as he let out a snarl that made me threaten to mess my pants. I lit my torch and waved it in front of his face, the flames shining back at me from his eyes.
“How about a little fire, Sc-Scarecrow?” I managed to growl, thrusting the fire right into the manticore’s nose. The beast growled again... And pursed his lips to blow my torch right out.
I stared through the darkness at the gleaming teeth, and did the only thing I could do.
“JERK!” I shouted, shoving the branch into the beast’s nose. He howled in pain, and I frantically climbed down the tree. The moment I felt the trunk under my hands and feet I slid down it, but I lost my grip in the last few meters and I tumbled off with a cry to the ground.
“GAH!” I had managed a roll when my shoulder hit the ground, but pain still flashed through me as I laid on the ground, panting. The manticore was crashing through the branches above me, snarling in anger. I got up with a wince, and shook my head free of disorientation.
And again, I began to run. This was going to get old really, really fast...
- - - - - -
I didn't know how much time had passed when the first light of the sun shone over the valley. It could have still been dark to me. I was a mess. My clothes were torn from branches and rocks. I was sweating like a pig. I was dirty enough that even Applejack's pigs might hesitate to touch me. And I was covered in bruises and cuts, one across my face. I didn't know if it made me look cool, and frankly, I didn't care.
"Huff... Huff... Huff..." I was exhausted. But I could still smell and hear the manticore nearby.
"RAWWWWWRRRR!"
Not that he made it hard to miss him. I shuddered at the bone chilling roar, and carried on, stumbling over a root. I could spy open ground through the nearby trees. Maybe I was close to Ponyville. Maybe I just wanted to see the sun properly.
Maybe I was just desperate.
Please be Ponyville, please be Ponyville God, I prayed frantically as I moved as fast as I could.
Well, God may have been listening to me but what He gave me did not reassure. I broke through the trees into the open sunshine, and I saw below me the colorful roofs and spires of Ponyville. I grinned happily, stumbling over a rock as I tried to make my way down to my salvation...
"Woah!" I pulled back just in time at a truly terrifying sight of a long drop onto jagged rocks far below. My eyes widened in disbelief as I knelt down, looking for any path to the valley floor.
"You've gotta be kidding," I muttered, seeing none.
"RAWWWWWRRRR!" The Manticore bellowed. I slowly stood back up and turned around, checking my pockets as the beast smashed through the trees. I had the phone, but that wasn't going to help me a whole lot against this monster. I had... A pocket knife? Huh, guess the security ponies missed that.
I looked over my shoulder, back down below at the rocks, and back to the Manticore. I clenched at the items in my hands as the beast snarled, his teeth shinging in the early morning sunlight. I had to come up with something! A clever plan. I had some tools at my disposable, I had my mind. I could do this! I could come up with something to-
"RAWRRRRRRRRR!"
My eyebrows twitched. Right. I could beat this guy. I just needed to think of-
"RAWRRRRR!"
My tired head pounded in pain, but that was okay. I could deal. I just needed a -
"RAWWRRRRR-"
"RAWWRRRR YOURSELF!" I screamed, shaking my fists at the manticore. "RAWR! RAWRRRRR! HUH?! HUH?! HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?! HUH?! RAWRRRRRRRRRR!"
The Manticore looked a bit taken aback, but I was done with this bullshit. I marched right up to him and glared defiantly into the monster's eyes. I swore the beast took a step back, and I just kept on coming.
"YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT KIND OF NIGHT I'VE HAD?!" I screamed. "HUH?!"
I pointed across the valley at Canterlot, still protected by the forcefield bubble. Not that it would matter. "MY BEST FRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS ARE IN DANGER! FROM A HORRIBLE BUG QUEEN THAT INVADED MY HOME! TRIED TO CONQUER MY SPECIES! AND I CAN'T BE THERE TO HELP THEM OUT BECAUSE THAT FREAKING BUG QUEEN ZAPPED ME INTO EVERFREE!"
I poked the manticore in his arm, which still bore the burn marks from our last encounter. "WHERE YOU HAVE CHASED ME FOR THE LAST SEVERAL FREAKING HOURS ROARING SO LOUD I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK!" I reach up and grabbed his whiskers, yanking his head down to glare death right into his wide eyes. I was probably going to die very messily the moment it got over its shock, but at that moment I didn't care. A wild, crazy idea siezed me. The only thing I had left to play:
Sheer. Unmitigated. Ballsiness.
"So here's what's going to happen - You are going to take me back to Ponyville where I can get my weapons. Then you're gonna fly me back to Canterlot where I can help save the people I love."
My voice lowered to a ragged, deadly whisper which made the manticore shudder.
"And if you complain at any point, I will fucking rip your eyes out AND EAT THEM IN FRONT OF YOU!" I snarled, miming the action in such a way no mistake could be made as to my intent. "THAT CLEAR?!"
The Manticore stared. I stared back, panting, my eyes wide and bloodshot like a madman's. Maybe I was.
But madness seemed to win the day, as the Manticore slowly nodded. He knelt down, and spread his wings. I stared a bit, before I shook my head free of rage and clambered on. The beast grunted a bit in discomfort, but I was soon sitting behind his mighty head with my legs over his shoulders. I nodded and gripped his mane as tightly as I could.
"All right then," I said, digging my heels into his great shoulders. "Punch it Chewy!"
The Manticore probably didn't get the reference, but it didn't mistake my intent as it leapt from the clifftop and soared over the valley. The cool wind rushing into my face helped clear my head of cobwebs, and I held on a little tighter.
I had the beginnings of a plan in my head. Not much... But it was a start.
And at the moment, that's all I needed.
- - - - -
Entering Ponyville riding a Manticore gets you more than a few funny looks. It gets you the beginning of a town panic. And not a Town Called Panic, though that movie was awesomely twisted and weird and...
Shit, I’m getting distracted. Ah, the screaming of startled ponies. That’s brought me back to reality.
“Uh, Mister Shepherd?” The Mayor asked as I passed by city hall, “why exactly are you...?”
“You should really just not ask any questions and prepare the town for a disaster,” I said flatly, as the Manticore growled. The Mayor winced.
“How bad are we talking?”
I looked intently into her eyes, trying to impart just how serious the situation was.
“I’m going to recommend you get the Cutie Mark Crusaders involved,” I said. The Mayor’s jaw dropped.
“Th-That bad?!” She gasped.
“You must be joking!” Gasped Marigold, a mare with carrots on her rump. I shook my head.
“Do I look like I’m joking?” I asked flatly, patting the Manticore’s head. He growled. The Mayor jumped, and cleared her throat.
“Emergency preparations, now!” She cried. “Go go go!”
The ponies stampeded in all directions in a mild panic. I sighed. You’d think they’d be used to this by now.
“Rawr?” The manticore asked... I think. It sounded like a question, anyway.
“Relax,” I said. “We’re just going to pick up a few things... And a friend.”
“Rawr?”
“No I don’t know how I can understand you,” I grumbled. “And right now, I really don’t care so move it!”
Out of the panicking crowd came the lovely Nurse Redheart. I sighed as I felt her glare like an X-Ray machine revving up.
“Nurse Redheart, what a pleasant surprise,” I said dryly. Ponyville’s angel of mercy gaped in disbelief.
“Wh-What the-What have you been through?!”
“Hell,” I said.
“Again?!” The nurse gasped. I held a hand to my face as my Manticore growled.
“No not again! It was an analogy-Nevermind! Look, just get prepped for casualties!”
“Looks like I already have one right here!” Nurse Redheart said. “Get off that monster right now!”
I made to slide off... But paused. I had a suspicion...
“Will this involve anesthetics?” I asked.
There was a reason Nurse Redheart never played poker. Her wince said it all.
“Well... It’s for your own good,” she tried.
“Oh yeah, I’ve heard that before,” I snorted. “Come on Chewie.”
The nurse bravely got in front of my monster and I. She glared with a force Fluttershy would find impressive.
“Buck it, you are going to get thoroughly checked out if I have to break your legs myself!” She snarled. I glared back and tugged on my epic mount’s mane.
“My Manticore says otherwise,” I said flatly.
He was a much smarter monster than I gave him credit for. He growled on cue, his teeth bared and eyes narrowed. Redheart gulped and pulled back.
“Oh-Oh my...” She gasped. “I... Andrew!”
“Sorry Redheart,” I said, and I truly was. “But I need to save the day before I can have any medical attention.”
“And if you die in the middle of doing that?!” Redheart growled.
“Then you can say ‘I told you so’ at my funeral,” I replied. I yanked on my Manticore’s mane. “Get going Chewy!”
- - - - - -
I got to the library in record time thanks to the manticore, though a glance at the clock revealed that the wedding was already starting. I hopped off the back of my mount with a curse, right outside Twilight's home. I looked over my shoulder as I opened the door.
"Wait here," I ordered. The manticore nodded with an assenting growl. I stormed in, just in time to see Spike emerge from the basement. He was bearing several of my weapons, looking grim and determined.
Our eyes widened in unison as we saw each other.
"What are you doing?" We asked in stereo. "Well what does it look like?" We asked again. I held up my hand to forestall any further comedy.
"Spike! We've got big trouble in Canterlot, and we don't have a lot of time," I said. Spike nodded.
"Just give me the basics then. How bad?" He asked as I walked past him into the basement. I discarded my ruined duster in a corner once I was down the stairs, and began quickly changing my clothes. Spike followed, setting his weapons down on the workbench I'd brought in.
"Alien invasion bad," I said frankly. Spike's eyes widened.
"Twilight and Rarity-?!"
"Rarity is fine, far as I know," I said frankly as I pulled on a dragon scale vest. It was another of Rarity's creations and extremely purple, but it would grant more more protection than a simple vest would.
Still, I pulled a white button up shirt over it anyway. Hey, I wasn't ashamed of Rarity's hard work on my behalf! That's why I was keeping it under wraps, so to speak. Besides, it had worked for Frodo, right?
… Look, I wasn’t Roman okay? And purple didn’t look good on me anyway.
"Twilight...?" Spike asked. I shook my head, not looking at him as I donned my spare gunbelt. As Rarity had made this one, it was decorated in intertwining hearts and her personal logo on the holster itself. I pulled out the other revolver Smokestack had built me, and loaded it before tucking it into the holster. I scrambled through the boxes of ammo that had built up, tucking each one into a heart on the belt.
"I don't know," I admitted. "She said she was keeping her in the same place she's been keeping the Princess-"
"Princess? Who? What?" Spike demanded. "Answers if you please!"
"All right," I said, taking a deep breath. "An alien shapeshifter took the place of Princess Cadence, and is planning on taking over Equestria. She zapped Twilight to a prison where she's keeping the real princess, I think, and zapped me into the Everfree Forest. She's got Shining Armor under control and she may have a whole army of her fellow aliens lurking in the city under the form of ponies."
I took another deep breath as I slung another gunbelt over my shoulder, turning it into a bandolier. I rummaged around through the various weapons the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Smokestack had been churning out. Frankly, it was kind of amazing how much firepower was now available in Ponyville and the rest of Equestria.
Smokestack had been making good business selling pony-capable versions of the weapons, especially to pony towns out on the frontier. So there was some standardization in the weapons. He had to make mine custom though, to fit human hands. I pulled out what I'd nicknamed the Winchester, given it was Smokestack's best version of a lever action rifle to date. I slung that over my shoulder, tying it onto the bandolier.
"... That's pretty bad," Spike said at last. I nodded to him, and picked up a box of ammo that I dumped into a small satchel I then tied to my belt. A few basic explosives were next, tucked safely into the satchel as well with a novelty lighter I'd picked up at a local shop. It was shaped like Nightmare Moon, which I had to admit I found a bit hilarious.
Right now though, I just needed it in case I was going to pull a Clint Eastwood in Two Mules for Sister Sarah.
… What, am I the only person who saw that movie? Philistines, all of you.
"Seriously bad," I said. Spike clenched his fists and waved them, eyes narrowed.
"Well, come on! Let's get going!" He said. I turned to a stone shelf carved out of the very rock. Sitting on it was the iron staff I'd found in an ancient human temple. I took it up, the iron rod no longer than a pencil and no thicker than the handle on a bicycle. I shook my head as I tucked that into my pocket. I grabbed a knife too, and a spare shotgun made for pony hooves, and an extra revolver.
This was going to be mighty heavy, but I wasn't about to take any chances. I was going to war, and I might as well put my best weapons forward, right?
Satisfied with my weapons (well, to be honest, I don't think I could carry any more), I walked over to some coat hooks. There my cloak hung.
It was a nice, warm, greenish-gray thing that thanks to the magics Rarity had woven into it made me harder to see. It came in handy when I went hunting... Or when I was sent on errands to Zecora in Everfree. That frigging Manticore...
Admittedly, it wouldn't be a lot of use in Canterlot but a cloak can be handy for distorting the shape of your body. It would make me harder to target if I kept moving. That it might make me look cool barely crossed my mind.
... Okay, maybe it crossed my mind a little. Sue me.
"You're not going," I said flatly as I fastened the cloak around my neck. Spike's jaw dropped, and then he gritted his teeth.
"Like heck I'm not!" He growled. "Rarity and Twilight are in trouble!"
"Yes, and I know you want to help," I said, kneeling down to look him in the eyes. I rested my hands on his shoulders. "But you've got a far more important job. Well, two."
"And what's that?" Spike asked bitterly.
"You need to sound the alarm, of course," I said flatly. "Look! If Canterlot is taken then the rest of Equestria needs to respond! I need you to get the news out to everypony to muster their forces, now."
Spike grimaced. "But... But I want to help you!" He said.
"You are, Spike," I said earnestly. "Trust me... It has everything to do with the first thing I need you to do for me."
"What's that?" Spike asked.
I grinned.
- - - - - -
"I don't know about this," Spike admitted outside. Whether he looked more leery of the plan or of the Manticore I didn't know. Didn’t think I had time to ask.
"Me neither," I said flatly. "But this is the best plan I can come up with." I mounted the Manticore, who snuffled a question. I sighed and patted his mane.
"Relax buddy," I said. "I'm pretty sure this'll work. And if it does, then we win the day soon enough for you to get back home."
"Rawr grawr?" The Manticore asked. I rolled my eyes.
"Yes, yes, I'm sure it will be impressive to any lady Manticores," I said flatly. "Remember, this is a being that can challenge a princess. That's gonna give you enough swag that you'll be swimming in hotties. Trust me."
"Rawr?"
"Yes, I'm still gonna do that thing to your eyes if you don't cooperate," I said grimly. The manticore whimpered. Spike blinked.
"How did you-?"
"I haven't the slightest idea," I admitted, "but I am not complaining. Remember Spike: Get every able bodied pony capable of fighting to Canterlot as soon as you can!"
Spike grumbled, but gave me a salute. "Fine, Captain Monkey. But just so you know, if anything happens to Rarity-!"
"Nothing will happen," I said firmly. We shared a grim, hard gaze... Then Spike nodded, smiling a little.
"I know," he said. "Just... Just gotta make sure."
"Yeah," I said, gripping the Manticore's mane more tightly. I took a few deep breaths. "Okay... You ready?"
"Ready!" Spike said, holding up a large bottle filled to the brim with sneezing powder. I nodded.
"Okay..."
"Are you ready?" Spike asked.
"... No," I admitted. "Not in the slightest."
"Too bad!" Spike growled, dumping the entire bottle into his face. He coughed at first, and then it began. "Ahhh... Ahhhh... Ahhhh....!"
This has got to be the craziest plan I've ever come up with, I thought to myself.
"AHHHHH... AAAAAHHHHHH...!"
Well if it works, it isn't crazy is it? A treacherous part of my mind pointed out. I sighed.
Touche, Optimus Primal.
"AAAAHHHHH CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
And then my world was green flame and nothingness as Chewy howled in fear.
What a baby.
- - - - - An Omake by AdmiralTigerClaw over at Spacebattles.com:
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
How do you describe being transformed into magic flames and then reconstituted as a solid being again? I could try, but it would just not do it any justice. Let’s see... I felt stretched, as though across the entirety of the universe. I saw everything, and nothing at all. I could hear nothing, and everything. I felt everything and nothing and... Well I could just go on like that. It was as though every moment was as long as the age of the universe, but as short as the blink of an eye at the same time. I can’t really get it across any better.
But what came after? Oh yeah. I can recount that stuff easily.
I was suddenly aware of myself, like my mind had been wandering and now I was snapped into sharp focus by the smell of brimstone and burning animal fur, the sound of numerous ponies gasping, and the image of said ponies all staring at me.
In particular, the image of a certain bug queen disguised as an equally certain princess of love.
“Andrew Shepherd?!” Gasped Princess Celestia. “What are you-?!”
The Manticore roared, and fell down onto all fours. Which, unfortunately, sent me tumbling off his shoulders onto the hard stone floor below.
“ARGH!” I landed on my hands and knees, and scrambled up as ponies began to panic left and right. Chrysalis was staring in shock and amazement. I will admit, I had the thought to let loose a witty one liner.
But common sense prevailed, and rather than do something stupid I instead raised my rifle, took careful aim and fired my gun at an alien demigoddess disguised as the bride at a wedding filled with beings on the level of gods.
… Okay maybe common sense didn’t prevail, as the bullet bounced off a pink magical shield. I was then tackled by several royal guards, who slammed me back down onto the hard stone floor.
“URK!” I cried, struggling as my Winchester was sent skittering into a veritable forest of panicking pony limbs. “No! Wait! Wait, let me explain!”
“Mad human! He’s gone mad!” Shouted Cadence’s voice over the roar of the manticore and the screaming ponies. I gritted my teeth and tried to force the pegasi guards off me but they were far too heavy.
“WAIT! THAT’S NOT CADENCE!” I shouted. “SHE’S AN IMPOSTER!”
“What on Equestria are you talking about?” Cried Rarity, who was trying to get through the frantic crowd to me. Applejack was having a bit more success, but Galland the royal guard barred her way.
“SHE’S NOT THE REAL CADENCE!” I shouted. “PRINCESS CELESTIA, LISTEN TO ME!”
“Andrew, what are you talking about?! Why are you doing this?!” Fluttershy cried, floating above the chaos.
“Don’t listen to him! He’s obviously crazy!” Cadence shrieked. “HE’S GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING!”
“Just stay still sir!” One of the guards holding me down said.
“Don’t struggle!” The other said.
“SHE’S NOT THE REAL CADENCE!” I shouted again as I was dragged out of the doors. I could see my manticore snarling and struggling as unicorns and guards kept him contained. Fluttershy and my other friends tried to get through the screaming crowd, but there was nothing for it. Across the chapel I could see Cadence looking at me, a flash of green appearing in her eyes as she flashed me a smirk.
I gritted my teeth and kicked out my feet. “LET ME GO! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
And the guards’ eyes went wide as they were seized in purple magical energy. They were yanked up off their hooves and thrown aside. I looked up in shock.
Wait... Is that...?
It was! I grinned as I saw Twilight galloping up alongside an extremely dirty looking Princess Cadence. I got up and pulled out my spare shotgun as the wedding party all gasped in shock and horror for the second time in as many minutes. The imposter Chrysalis gasped... And then grinned darkly as she was consumed in green flames. It was no self-immolation though-She was just unveiling her true form.
“I thought you were dead!” Twilight gasped.
“Glad to disappoint,” I said with a nod. “Princess Cadence, I presume?”
“You may,” Cadence said kindly. “Now, I believe we need to deal with this fake!”
“Oh ho ho,” Chrysalis cackled. “You think it would be that easy, do you?”
Many of the ponies stopped panicking, and began to laugh. And as each one did, they shifted into forms similar to that of the Queen Changeling. They hissed and laughed, and our friends found themselves surrounded. Even Princess Celestia looked aghast.
“You...” The Sun Princess’s eyes narrowed and we felt the heat rise. “You will not win!” She flew above Chrysalis and her horn charged with magical power. She unleashed it in a beam of energy at Chrysalis which surely would have vaporized the alien queen... If the queen had not returned fire with her own beam from her own twisted horn. My eyes widened as Chrysalis’s beam pushed against Celestia’s, and to the horror of everyone around (save for Chrysalis’s offspring) the beam of the alien queen overpowered Celestia’s and sent the white alicorn flying through the nearby wall with a crash.
“PRINCESS!” We all screamed. I turned and looked at Chrysalis, grinning horribly as Shining Armor stood at her side. I gulped as hundreds of green eyes looked towards us with horrible leering smiles.
“Well... Shit,” I muttered.
“I agree,” Cadence said, “and I don’t even know what that means.”
“You can figure it out from the context quite easily,” Twilight muttered.
- - - - - - -
It seemed like everywhere we went, dozens of Changelings were pouring in on us. Chewie's loud roaring was a constant reminder that my big predator buddy was still alive and kicking, but seeing hundreds of flying insectoid-like alien monsters flying inside and outside of a gigantic pink magic energy field is not exactly comforting.
"Wow! A real live alien invasion!" Pinkie cried. "I knew I'd gotten a doozey but I didn't know it'd be like this!"
"Great! Your useless flank psychic powers strike again!" Rainbow Dash shouted back, kicking a Changeling in the face and sending him flying. Above us, Royal Guards and pegasi dueled with the flying Changelings while on the ground armored Earth and Unicorn ponies fought the invaders as best they could while civilians galloped every which way. The girls and I formed a small wedge, trying to punch our way through any resistance.
"Give her a break, Dash! She did help us get out of the chapel!" I shouted, emptying my revolver into the face of a charging Changeling. Rarity helpfully reloaded my gun, before she viciously stabbed long knitting needles into the bottom of a shrieking alien.
"Get lost!" Rarity snarled, and the Changeling fled while weeping.
"Takin' this kinda personal, ah noticed," Applejack noted, swinging around to buck a few Changelings up over and through a window. Rarity sniffed.
"All that work on those wedding dresses and its all for nothing thanks to these-these-Ooooh!" Her eyes darkened. "I'm imagining each and every single one as Blueblood!"
I winced, as did everypony else. Frankly that seemed a bit extreme to me, but then I'd never met this Blueblood guy. Based on Rarity's rants though, I should probably consider him lucky for not being here.
"Come on! We're almost to the palace!" Twilight called, sending several blasts of magic at Changelings. When they were hit, they began to float above the ground. They struggled furiously against their bonds but were unable to break free-At least, not until Twilight used them as cannonballs, but they weren't in much of a state to cause harm after that.
"Oh dear, oh my, I hope the Manticore is all right," Fluttershy said as my ally's roar sounded again a block or two away. She looked at me with an inquisitive glance. "How did you get him to accompany you?"
"Er... We bonded," I said, before firing several shots to bring down a few Changelings trying to dive bomb us. They flew past, screeching in pain before slamming into trashcans behind us. Fluttershy smiled.
"Oh I'm so glad to hear that-Meep!" She jumped over a changeling that tried to seize her from the sewer, and I repaid the bastard with a kick to the face with my steel toed boot. He let her go, yelping as he slid back down into the depths. Fluttershy panted, and hugged me tightly.
"Oh thank you thank you thank you-"
"DIE HUMAN!" Shrieked another Changeling, which grabbed my ankles from below. I yelped as I fell, hitting the ground hard.
"OOF!" I looked back as the Changeling dragged me towards the stormdrain and I tried to free my feet. "Let go! LET GO!"
"You will not slaughter us as you did before, monster!" Hissed the Changeling. I growled and dug my fingers into the pavement.
"Like you tried to do to my people?! LITTLE HELP PLEASE!" I shouted.
"Andrew!" Twilight cried, slashing through a Changeling's wings with an energy blade from her horn.
"Andrew!" Applejack shouted, smacking two Changelings' heads together.
"Andrew!" Dash yelled, doing a spinning kick to send a pack of Changelings flying in all directions.
"Darling!" Rarity called, using scissors like swords to cut many a Changeling and send them running in a panic.
"OATMEAL!" Pinkie shouted, slapping a pie into the face of another Changeling.
The Changeling assaulting me growled.
"You deserved it! You ruined everything and-!"
A butter yellow hoof smacked into the face of the Changeling and sent his head slamming into the pavement. I gaped in some astonishment as my quiet, shy marefriend just began to wail on him, pounding his face into the pavement repeatedly like Samuel L. Jackson might do to someone who owed him money.
"HOW DARE YOU TRY TO HURT MY COLTFRIEND!" She shrieked. "TAKE THAT! AND THAT! YOU BIG MEANIE!"
Holy shit. I looked over at the others, and they seemed to share my amazed expression. Aside from Twilight but uh, she apparently has seen some of what Fluttershy can do when she's really passionate.
The Changeling managed to escape and fled, wailing loudly. The rest of our party spared a moment to watch him go, as did the Changelings surrounding us. He wailed all the way up to the waiting hooves of Queen Chrysalis herself.
"M-My Queen! MY QUEEN! The human influence is-is spreading! He is corrupting that pegasus!" He sobbed. Chrysalis looked up at us with an amused smirk as several Changelings hovered around us.
"I believe he already has," Chryalis observed wryly. Twilight broke the sudden silence.
"Was... Was that an innuendo?" She asked. Chrysalis snorted.
"So what if it is? You are surrounded!" She called. "Surrender, and I will spare your lives!"
I looked over at Twilight. My wonderful purple unicorn marefriend glanced at the nearby wall of the palace, and down at my satchel. I blinked back, and her horn began to glow. I heard a hissing, and some smoke came out of the bag. I reached down and my eyes widened. I saw that the dynamite in the satchel had ignited.
... All of it.
"HIT THE DIRT!" I shouted, grabbing the satchel and throwing it as hard as I could right at the wall. I turned and sprinted, the rest of our party following suit. Dash frowned as she got ahead of me and looked over her shoulder.
"What?! What was in that-?"
"TWILIGHT! SHIELD! NOW!" Pinkie shrieked. I could hear Chrysalis yelling something similar as I threw myself behind the nearest stone wall, ponies piling on top of me as Twilight raised a shield around us-
And the world seemed to just erupt into thunder and fire.
- - - - - -
As soon as the wrath of Alfred Nobel had ended, I peeked out from behind the wall of our shelter. Dust and smoke filled the air, and not a single Changeling could be seen. I blinked a few times, and then looked over at Twilight.
“You lit all of them?!” I shouted in disbelief. “Seriously?!”
“Well it cleared the area, didn’t it?” Twilight asked. Applejack grumbled as she checked to make sure her hat was still on her head.
“Yeah, and mah sinuses... And mah bow-”
“WOO!” Pinkie said happily, bouncing up and down on her back hooves like a satyr. “Again! Again! Again!”
“I have to agree!” Dash said happily. “That was so cool!”
Fluttershy was still trembling with her wings over her eyes. It was adorable, though admittedly not very helpful.
“Cool?!” Rarity growled, glaring at Twilight and myself. “You blew up the lovely equipment satchel I made for Andrew!”
“Look on the bright side, Rarity!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Now your work has been spread all over Canterlot!”
“In pieces,” Rarity moaned. Pinkie blinked.
“... Yes?”
I rubbed my forehead. “Let’s just get to the Elements so we can Deus Ex Machina our way out of this mess, and call it a day shall we?”
“Works for me!” Twilight declared. “Come on!”
- - - - - -
Which brings us back to when you guys came in. Running through the palace of Canterlot as dozens of Changelings were trying to kill us.
“Shit shit shit!” I shouted, firing my revolver at several such monsters. They screeched at us loudly, and one hacked and coughed as though trying to dislodge a furball. I didn’t want to know what it was producing, so I fired again. But the little creature dodged and spat something green at me.
“Aw crap!” I cried, pulling my cloak up as a shield. The projectile hit, and I felt a burning sensation on my arm. I yelped and dropped the cloak, before tugging it off and throwing it in the face of the charging Changeling.
“KREE!” It screeched as I threw myself to the side. I pulled out my staff, and fired it off to slam the creature into the nearest wall. I panted heavily as I got back up onto my feet.
“Toro, motherfucker!” I snarled.
“Uh, Andrew?”
I turned my head at Twilight’s voice. The rest of the mares were galloping down the hallway ahead of me. “Are you done yet?”
“He still has to give his witty one liner!” Pinkie cried.
“I already did that!” I shouted back. Pinkie nodded.
“Oh! Okay! COME ON THEN!” She shouted.
I sighed and ran after my friends. We had a world to save, after all.
A few levels, twists and turns later, I noticed something strange.
“Anyone else notice that we seem to be progressing unmolested?” Rarity asked.
I nodded to Rarity. “Gotta say, I appreciate that but it does seem suspicious...”
“This just lets us get to the Elements faster,” Twilight panted.
Applejack paused by a window and looked out across the city. She squinted. “Well, the battle’s still ragin’!” Applejack supplied. “Maybe Princess Luna managed t’ get through the shield?”
“We can only hope!” Twilight cried. “But it’s all for nothing if we can’t get to the Elements so hurry!”
“How much force is coming with Princess Luna anyway?” Applejack asked. I smiled at her as she caught up to us. It wasn’t exactly difficult, especially with me-There was a reason humans rode horses and not the other way around back home.
“Well, I did ask Spike to spread the word and call out the militia,” I explained. Rarity frowned.
“The Ponyville Militia? That’s little more than a herd of townsponies with frying pans, mops and maybe a few firecrackers!” Rarity commented. I shrugged.
“Well, that’s about the basic definition of a militia...”
“And Granny can swing that fryin’ pan mighty hard,” Applejack commented.
"That must have been why my nose was twitchy while my tail was itchy!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “I also got a few twitchy twitches that are unusual. The last time I got those were when the...” Her jaw dropped in disbelief as she powerslid around a corner. Unfortunately I was not able to copy the move so I just ran as usual. “No! You didn’t!”
“Did what?” Asked Rainbow Dash, flying above us and looking more and more impatient. Then again she almost always did.
“Gave the Cutie Mark Crusaders firearms!” Pinkie accused me. That got a look from everypony, so it was fortunate we were running down a straight hallway at the time.
“WHAT?!” Applejack and Rarity both cried. I winced at their angry and incredulous glares.
"Heh... I might... Just perhaps... Have suggested... Unleashing the crusaders to Mayor Mane. " I grin sickly trying to defend myself. "It was an emergency! I thought why not use our most powerful stuff? And Smokestack did finish that order of mortars recently so-"
Sadly my justification did not seem to be convincing the two, who glared at me with murder in their eyes. But before they could, my favorite unicorn came to my rescue.
"Girls! We don't have time for that... You can kill him AFTER we defeat the changelings!"
Or delayed my execution. I suppose that’s love for you. Oh right, Twilight was still speaking.
"Anyways I think we just have one more turn and we're at the vault!” And we made that turn as Twilight continued speaking breathlessly.
“We're almost... There?"
As we turned the corner, I suddenly recalled a glaring strategic flaw in our plans. While our route may have been randomly unexpected, our destination was very obviously set in stone. As became apparent by the large number of changelings surrounding a smirking Chrysalis that came into view as we skidded to a halt in the center of the room. Before we could hightail it out of there, more Changelings dropped down behind us. We were surrounded.
"Was this trip really necessary? Did you truly believe I wouldn't be prepared to guard this as well?" Chrysalis sniffed haughtily, as buzzing sounds began to emit from the other entrances to the room which signalled the approach of more changelings.
Swell.
“Knew it was too easy,” Applejack muttered.
“Well, I suppose you are smarter than you look. Though you’d almost have to be,” Rarity sniffed haughtily. Chrysalis growled.
“You are swiftly wearing on my nerves,” she stated.
“You’re doing the whole villain monologue thing again, you know,” I said, stepping in front of Twilight. I frowned deeply, while trying not to think about the fact this might very well be our last stand.
Many people fantasize about dying in some glorious, heroic way. And I have to admit, I’d fantasized the same. But being in situations where I might have to go that far... Well I wasn’t feeling particularly noble or courageous.
But hell, if this was to be our last stand, I was going to give it my all. Blame the acting classes I took.
“Threatening us, gloating at us, why all the theatrics? Why not simply kill us? What is your angle, Chrysalis?”
I was hoping to buy a bit more time... And of course, hope I provided enough of a distraction for my beautiful marefriend to come up with a brilliant plan. Hey, guile was my thing, thinking things through was hers.
Chrysalis snorted. “I should think that would be obvious by now.”
“You-You’re very bad at your job?” Fluttershy suggested, cringing back at Chrysalis’s glare. “N-No! I’m sure you’re a very competent invader of innocent worlds! R-Really!”
“No!” Chrysalis declared. “But if you really must know, the truth is that I-”
"HAH! RAINBOW STRIKE!"
I groaned at Rainbow’s declaration as she angled for a steep dive at Chrysalis. I really do need to impress upon her the meaning of 'surprise attack' and how that runs counter to announcing your move.
A point possibly made to her anyway as the changeling queen merely gestured with her head and a nearby drone made a hacking sound. It then spat something at Rainbow.
"RAINBOW DASH!" The girls cried out as the projectile hit sending her spiraling to the ground... only caught at the last minute by a burst of Twilight's magic, as Fluttershy and myself rushed over to her. Rainbow's head was thrashing around in panic.
"My wing! I can't move my wing! What did they do! What's wrong with it!" She cried. "Ew ew ew ew!"
"Relax Rainbow," I consoled, "it's just one of those changeling snot gluing it to your side... hold still while so we can get it off before it hardens..." I said as I tried to pull the sticky gunk off her flank.
"Its not SNOT!” Chrysalis barked. “Why do you humans keep calling it that... its a self hardening stasis mucus membrane of complex design far beyond your understanding!"
"Right.. changeling snot!" I snarked back as we were crowded more into the center of the great chamber. Chrysalis looked vaguely annoyed before shaking her head.
"Enough of this! Give up now! Surrender and I shall spare your lives, like I've been trying to from the start!" She shook her head, eyes wide. “Must you resist? Must you throw your lives away so uselessly?!”
There was a note of pain in the voice of the Changeling queen. I had to admit, it stopped me for a moment. She was staring squarely at me as she pleaded.
If I had had the time, I would have reflected on this expression of emotion, this vulnerability in the alien monster. But at the moment, I didn’t really have the luxury.
Twilight trotted to my side, her face defiant. “If Andrew’s people wouldn’t surrender, then neither will we!” She declared.
“That’s right!” Dash declared.
“We won’t let you take over our world!” Fluttershy said, glaring angrily. “You-You big meanie!”
“Certainly not!” Rarity huffed. “We’ve taken down chaos gods and mad lunar dieties-You are strictly small change!”
“I’m gonna party all over your flank!” Pinkie growled.
Applejack merely pushed her hat down further and glared, resembling Clint Eastwood. If Clint Eastwood was a hot orange anthropomorphic mare.
… Shut up.
Chrysalis sighed and shook her head. “Take them!” She ordered her minions. Twilight smirked, and her horn lit up with magic. It glowed brightly and the Changelings hesitated, remembering her power.
“I don’t think so, Chrysalis!” She said. “You might have us surrounded, but if there’s one thing friendship has taught me...” And here she trotted backwards, until she was just above the center of the large carving on the floor. She turned and caught Rarity's eye. "There is always the Diamond Dog option!"
“I don’t remember that being a friendship lesson!” Pinkie interjected.
"Diamond Dog wha-?" I barely had time to puzzle out before Twilight suddenly slammed her head downwards, releasing her bolt of magic into the floor. Then there was nothing but explosions, rubble, and a light blue sheen surrounding us all as we were suddenly falling... and the ceiling above seemed to be joining us.
Did I say last stand? I apparently meant 'kill us all and deprive the changelings of the pleasure!'
Then there was nothing but darkness and the sound of falling rubble...
This was starting to turn into a very unhealthy habit.
- - - - - -
Omake:
"One more thing before you return to the others, Andrew?" Luna asked as we headed out of the hidden archives. I had composed myself finally from seeing all the human artifacts that the ponies had collected.
"Of course, Princess. Anything." I said without thinking. Luna's horn glowed briefly and I went from standing in the open foyer, to seated on one of the couches that sat against the side wall. Before I could react, Princess Luna was laying on her back over my lap looking up at me with the biggest puppy dog eyes that would put even Sweetie Belle to shame.
I sighed and rubbed her belly while the Princess of the Night made happy pony noises and cutely kicked one of her hind legs.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
You know at this point, I should be used to falling from great heights to my doom. I really should. Especially screaming, tumbling, loud scary doom at the bottom of a pit.
But seeing how I wasn't...
"YAH!" I shouted, and I extended my iron staff horizontally, catching the sides of the tunnel. I nearly lost my grip, but curling and lifting my legs up allowed me to swing up on top of the staff and just barely keep my balance. I panted and looked up...
"WHEEE-OOF!"
"MMPH!"
Just in time for Pinkie Pie to land on top of me. I barely held onto the staff.
"Pinkie! Pinkie, get off-!"
"BUCKING TARTARUS!" Applejack cried, as she grabbed the pole with her tail. It shook the rod and I fell off, clinging to the staff desperately as Pinkie clung to me.
"EEEEEP!" Rarity added, using her telekinesis to manage a rough landing on the other side of the staff. I grimaced as Pinkie whimpered.
"Oh that's a long way down," Pinkie said. "Not quite as fun as I thought it was going to be!"
"No... Kidding!" I grunted.
"Guys! Are you okay?" Called Twilight. I looked up and descending like angels from above, my marefriends and Rainbow Dash glided down with Twilight held between the hooves of the two pegasi.
"We'll be all right, darling, as soon as we reach solid ground!" Rarity exclaimed. "Laying on this pole is extremely uncomfortable!"
"Try hanging from it," I snarked back.
"Hang on everypony!" Twilight said. "I'll lower us down to the bottom!" She closed her eyes, and a purple forcefield appeared around her. It expanded and encompassed us all, and I mentally commanded the staff to shrink back down. I felt weightless as I floated in the field, and Pinkie soon let go of me to tumble happily in the bubble.
"Whee!" She said happily.
"So, what exactly lies down here, anyway?" Rainbow Dash asked as we slowly descended. Twilight looked over at me.
"I'm guessing you know, Andrew. You didn't just want me to bring down the floor around us, did you?"
"It is something he'd think of," Applejack said.
"Incredibly dangerous?" Pinkie asked cheerfully.
"And more than a bit reckless, too," Rarity added.
"I was just going to go with 'stupid', myself," Dash pointed out.
I rolled my eyes. "Down here are the human artifacts I told you about," I said.
Twilight smiled. “Ah... I thought that’s what you were going for.”
Dash's eyes widened. "Ooh! So, there's some kind of human superweapon you're going to bust out and use to annihilate the Changelings?"
"Well..." I shrugged. "Sort of...?"
"Sort of, meaning...?" Fluttershy asked.
"Sort of meaning we'll have to look through this stuff for something immediately useful," I said. Dash growled.
"What?! You're human aren't you?! This is all your stuff!"
"Do you really expect me to memorize the full several thousand years worth of my species' history?" I asked flatly. I shook my head. “There’s probably only one useful thing down here... And it’s going to be complicated to get it working.”
"Oh yeah, that’s helpful!" Dash growled.
"Lay off him, Dash," Applejack said sagely. "Ah'm sure we'll find somethin' useful. And at least fer now, we can have a breather from the dang cockroaches."
"For as long as that lasts," Dash muttered as we descended into the darkness below.
- - - - -
I was treated to what Luna must have seen on my face on the faces of my companions as Twilight and Rarity’s horn lights revealed the human archives. Expressions of awe, confusion... And something that hadn’t been on my face: Disappointment.
“This is it?” Dash asked in disbelief. “The great human archives? This is a bunch of junk!”
“Ooh! A thingamajigger!” Pinkie said cheerfully, darting away the moment her hooves hit the ground into a nearby pile. “I’d love one of these!” She came out with what looked like a toy grabbing claw, which she worked by biting down on the lever to close the claw. She grinned up at us.
“Thish ish great!” She cried.
“Yeah, that’s pretty cool,” Dash admitted. “But where’s this wonder weapon you’ve got to use against...” Her eyes widened, and she flew up to the large form of the V-2 rocket. “WOAH! What’s this?” She asked with a grin.
“It’s a V-2 rocket,” I explained. “But that’s not what we can use against Chrysalis.”
“What?” Dash pouted. “Why not?”
I walked up and banged on the side of the rocket with my fist. It rang like a particularly poorly made bell, but it was enough for everypony to get the idea.
“It’s empty?” Twilight asked.
“What’s it run on?” Applejack asked.
“Kerosene,” I said glumly. “A few hundred gallons at least...” “Oh gee, no problem then!” Dash said sarcastically. “I’ll just pull some out of my flanks and we’ll be set!”
“Call that a bust then,” Twilight said with a frown. She looked to me. “What’s this secret weapon we can use?”
“It’s somewhere in here,” I said. I frowned, eyes straining in the shadows. “It’s basically a lifting body design-”
“Ooh! A giant robot?” Dash asked.
“Nonsense Dash,” Rarity snorted, “it must be some kind of device for manipulating gravity! Lifting and body, it’s simple!”
“No, no, it’s a ship!” I said quickly. “It looks like a delta from above, has stubby little wings and rockets on the back!”
“Oh! The Dreamchaser!” Twilight realized, remembering from the video. “You mean the ship-It’s down here?”
“Yes! And it’s probably our best shot of taking Chrysalis down,” I said.
“So, you have a plan?” Fluttershy at last asked. I looked to Twilight, and then to Rainbow Dash. Twilight followed my gaze, and then grinned. I have to admit, I really, really liked that grin. It was Twilight’s “I Read Your Mind, Took your Rough Draft of a Plan and Turned it Into Something Brilliant” look.
God I loved her for it.
“I think we do,” Twilight said.
“Well, that’s good enough for me,” Dash said. She pointed her hoof forward. “Come on! Where is this wonder weapon?”
It took a bit of stumbling around in the dark (mainly mine) to find the tunnel to the Dream Chaser hangar, but find it we did. With a flip of the switch, the electrical lights went on and the battered but still beautiful form of the Sophia greeted us.
“Wow,” Dash said with a grin. “A spaceship? This is a real spaceship?”
“Yep,” I said with a bright grin. “Bonafide space ship. And her main gun still works.”
“Well what are we waitin’ fer?” Applejack asked cheerfully. “Get on in, light her up!”
With a boost from Fluttershy, I clambered on top and opened the hatch to the ship. I slid down into the seat and hit a few buttons. The panels lit up, and I could hear a few computers humming happily...
I then stopped and coughed. Twilight poked her head in.
“Is something wrong?” She asked. I very slowly nodded.
“Yes,” I said. Twilight frowned.
“What?” She asked.
“I just realized something,” I admitted, as I looked away. Twilight’s frown deepened.
“What?”
“... I have no idea how to turn the ship on, much less fly this thing,” I admitted.
Twilight stared at me in complete and total disbelief. I got the same expression from the rest of the mares as they peeked in through the windscreen of the Sophia.
“... And you didn’t think to mention this before?” Twilight asked in a higher pitch of voice.
“... Nope,” I said, slamming my face against the dashboard.
I was greeted with a chorus of groans and cries of dismay.
“Well you’d better figure it out fast then or we’re sunk!” Dash growled.
“Okay okay!” I said quickly. “It can’t be that complicated,” I explained. “They put an XBox in here for God’s sake!”
“A what?” Pinkie Pie asked.
I thought about explaining video games to Pinkie Pie, but something told me I was better off avoiding that potential minefield.
“Nevermind,” I said. “Point is, it can’t be that hard to figure this out...”
I knew this was a phrase usually associated with famous last words... But I tried not to think too hard about that.
Twilight sighed, and looked to the others. “Everypony! Fan out! If you find something that might be useful, call for us! In the meantime Andrew, keep working.”
“Yes ma’am,” I said.
“Right!” They chorused, and they trotted off. Save for Fluttershy, who had been looking at me in concern.
Twilight noted this, and sighed softly. “Come on then, Fluttershy,” she said kindly. Fluttershy nodded, and hovered above the hatch as Twilight hopped down in the seat next to mine.
“Sorry about this,” I said again. Fluttershy rested on top of the ship and looked down.
“It’s all right,” she said. She looked at Twilight, who still looked pretty annoyed, and then back at me. “I mean, um, it was kind of a snap decision to come down here...”
“And it was our only option,” Twilight admitted. She shook her head and looked at the controls. “But it doesn’t make me any happier...”
“I know,” I said. I sighed and rubbed my face. “I can’t believe though that I went for this. I mean...” I looked around the cockpit, and my eyes lingered on the image of the Sophia’s art on the bulkhead nearby, “I’m no pilot. The pilot for the ship is dead! And the weapon of this vessel is useless unless we can get her moving and I...” I smacked my hands on the dashboard in anger. “Damnit! It’s all fucking junk!”
“Andrew,” Fluttershy said softly. I looked up into her eyes, and sighed. I rubbed my cheeks, and felt her wing rest on my head. Twilight’s hoof rested on my shoulder. I smiled at them both, a bit sadly.
“Sorry... It’s just...”
“You’re taking this so personally,” Fluttershy sighed. Twilight glanced at her, and then back at me. She chuckled. I frowned.
“What’s so funny?”
“I just realized... You feel like you’ve got so much more to prove now, don’t you?” She said with a soft giggle. “I mean, your species banded together and defeated the Changelings. Chrysalis herself keeps wanting you to turn to her side! And now your pride is screaming you need to match those expectations.”
“It is not!” I immediately defended myself. “I’m just... I’m...” The two mares smiled at me in kindness and understanding and I wilted like a flower in a desert.
A manly flower, but still.
“Yeah,” I admitted with a sigh. “It is. I guess...” I looked up at the windscreen with a little smile. “I guess I had the notion that being the big, bad human would let me get through any obstacle...”
“And it does get you places,” Twilight said, her hoof resting on my hand, “but don’t forget: Even humans can’t do everything alone.”
I looked at her, and up at Fluttershy. She blushed at my scrutiny. My other hand found the iPhone in my pocket. I brought it out, and saw the background: Nicole and Isaac, smiling and holding one another on a beach. I smiled too, and put the iPhone back in its cradle.
“No,” I said. “I guess we can’t... Huh?”
I heard computers begin to hum and a rumble from behind. The display panels all showed green, and indicators about the ship’s status. I blinked a few times, staring at the iPhone and then back at Twilight and Fluttershy.
“What’s that mean?” Fluttershy asked. I sighed, rubbed my face, and allowed myself a wry smile.
“Thank God for humans who are not only technically minded,” I said, “but also hopelessly sappy.”
"So it's working?" Twilight asked with a grin.
"Yep," I said.
"Um, there's still the issue of flying it," Fluttershy pointed out. I grimaced.
"Oh, yeah..."
Twilight grinned again. "Oh don't worry about that," Twilight said, "I think I know how to manage it. After all, humans use friendship too, don't they?"
- - - - - -
About twenty minutes later, I was getting poked, prodded, and maybe even goosed by Rarity’s telekinetic powers as she adjusted my new outfit.
“Urk...!”
“There,” Rarity said, looking up at me from behind as she finished. “How does it fit?”
I stretched my arms up, and the orange flightsuit we’d managed to scrounge out from the piles of assorted stuff contracted a bit but otherwise, it was a good fit. I smiled at the white unicorn.
“It’s great,” I said honestly. “Thanks... Though you didn’t have to go to all this-”
“Nonsense!” Rarity cut me off immediately. “You’re crucial to the entire operation, and humans do have lower tolerances for gravimetric forces than ponies. We will be fine, but we need you to be fine as well!” She batted her eyes and smirked. “Besides, you look good in orange.”
“Better not let Twilight or Fluttershy or Spike hear you say that,” I muttered to her as we walked and trotted out from behind the alcove we’d taken for Rarity’s adjustments. Rarity just smiled dazzlingly and shook out her mane.
“I’m sure we could come to... Some arrangement,” she purred, wiggling her flanks just slightly. Manfully I ignored this as we got back to the ship, which was no longer on the ground. Rather, it was floating atop several small, puffy clouds that Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were pressing and shaping into position.
“Depending on how fast this thing gets,” Dash said, “it’ll lose a lot of the clouds for support! I’ve built them tough but...” She looked at me with a frown. “If Twilight’s right about this thing only being able to glide at high speeds, and turn, then even with the clouds and the spells she’s cast-”
“I know,” I said with a nod. “We’re probably only going to get one shot at this...”
“Are... Are you sure about it?” Fluttershy asked softly. “A lot is depending on you...”
I smiled at her and shook my head. “I helped come up with this crazy idea, you know.”
“This thing going to even fly? Does it have any fuel left?” Dash asked further, crossing her front hooves over her chest.
“According to the computer,” Twilight said from inside the Sophia, “it has just enough for our purposes if I’ve done the math and magic right. And the reactor can still power the weapons so she won’t be helpless even if we can’t move.”
“And you’re sure you can work it?” Dash asked me. I shrugged.
“Well, now that we’ve had some time to mess with it... I can at least make it turn,” I said. “Though I’ll need both of you to help,” I said, looking to Dash and Fluttershy. “Otherwise we’ll go splat.”
“Splat is for losers!” Dash said with a grin. “And that’s not us!”
“Y-Yeah!” Fluttershy said.
Twilight smiled as she poked her head up out of the ship. Then she looked towards the far end of the hangar. “APPLEJACK?! ARE YOU READY?”
“JEST ABOUT!” Applejack shouted back at the huge, wrought iron double doors at the end of the hangar. She had taken hold of one of the huge chains, and was pulling on it. Slowly, slowly, it began to creak open.
“Well, come on Space Monkey,” Dash said cheerfully. “Hop in!”
I allowed myself a smile at her, and a nuzzle with Fluttershy before I got just enough of a boost from the cyan pegasus to clamber up top. I slid into the pilot’s seat, and began to strap myself in. Rarity soon joined Twilight, who was sitting in the tight back space of the ship’s cockpit behind the seats.
In the co-pilot’s seat, of course...
“Oooh! All this glowy stuff!” Pinkie Pie squealed happily, having managed to get her hooves on what looked like a children’s spacesuit. “How do you humans get anything done?”
“Carefully,” I said dryly. Twilight nodded, and looked up at the top hatch as Rarity fastened herself and Twilight in with the makeshift restraints. My purple marefriend took a deep breath.
The ship shook, and we all looked at eachother. We then looked at Pinkie, who was twitching like crazy.
“Wasn’t me!” She squealed. “This is a ‘The Alien Queen is about to Bust through the roof on us’ twitch!”
“Alien queen-?” The wall I’d previously fired a maser shot at shook, and with a burst of green fire Chrysalis and a flock of Changelings flew through.
“FOUND YOU!” She cried.
“Aw crap!” I shouted. “HANG ON!” I grabbed the throttle for the Dreamchaser, and threw it forward. I was thrown backwards, as were my companions, as Sophia leaped forward. We could hear yelps and screams of Changelings as they must have been caught in the engine exhaust. It was a little hard to worry about them.
“DASH! FLUTTERSHY!” Twilight shouted. We heard the taps of hooves on the hull, and saw Rainbow Dash’s hoof on the side of the windscreen as the ship raced forward. I was briefly relieved, and then a new source of stress loomed ahead of us.
“APPLEJACK! OPEN THE DOORS!” I shouted. I didn’t expect Applejack to hear us over the roar of the engines, but the orange pony was nobody’s foal. Fool. Whatever, she had seen the Changelings bust through and had forced herself between the two partially opened great doors.
“Ooh... Keep the hatch open, keep the hatch open!” Pinkie Pie warned loudly. I shook my head but kept my hands on the control stick as the distance between us and the doors was slashed in half every second. Twilight and Rarity’s horns glowed, and they were going to direct their powers at the mighty doors...
When with a last buck of effort, Applejack kicked them open and leaped up on top of the Sophia as we passed through! She tumbled into the hatch, and Pinkie squealed happily as the orange mare landed on top of her. Twilight thoughtfully shut the hatch, and I angled the Sophia up as the tunnel began to slope.
“Well... Think mah mornin’ exercise is concluded,” Applejack said wryly as she got behind the seat. I nodded and grinned at Pinkie Pie.
“Okay Pinkie, guide us out of-!”
“RIGHT!” Pinkie screamed. I looked ahead and yelped at the wall coming up, and threw the ship to starboard. Another twist came up, and Pinkie screamed “DOWN!” The Sophia dove, and I swear I heard Dash swearing up a storm outside.
“UP! LEFT! MORE LEFT! RIGHT! SLOWER! DOWN! RIGHT! DO A BARREL ROLL!”
And I obeyed every single one of Pinkie’s cues, because otherwise we were never going to get out of the apparent labyrinth that were the tunnels underneath Canterlot.
“Remind me to find and buck the teeth outta whoever built these Celestia damned tunnels!” Applejack moaned, looking a bit sick. Pinkie then grinned as we spotted a light at the end of our purgatory ahead and above us. A pink tinged light.
“There! Go! Go! Straight!” Pinkie cried. I kept the ship as straight as I could, and I saw Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both clamber up to the nose. Dash managed to give us a glance over her shoulder, while Fluttershy just covered herself in her wings and kept her eyes shut. I looked to Pinkie and Twilight, who both nodded.
“Pinkie says, PUNCH IT!” Pinkie cried. I grabbed the throttle, which I had moved only a little to get the ship moving, and rammed it forward. The mighty VASIMIR engines on the heavily refitted space ship roared, and the tunnel became a blur. Rainbow Dash visibly strained, her every muscle tense as she pointed her nose forward. Vapor formed ahead of us and I gritted my teeth as the flight suit did everything it could to keep me conscious. My stomach felt like it was being forced into my spine and my lips were being pulled back...!
With the roar of our engines we broke into sunlight, flying up at the pink shield. In a matter of seconds we’d hit and be smashed to nothing. The mares and I all screamed. Rainbow Dash crouched and with all her might, thrust forward! There was an explosion of light, brighter than the sun!
The result was so amazing it's a shame I couldn't see any of it due to being right at ground zero of the effect. Right now I’m just transcribing out of the journal of an eye witness.
It goes:
The sound was like a mighty dragon’s voice bellowing at the skies; commanding it’s will with a force that shattered the visible light spectrum. A complete rainbow-palette rippled through the sky with near blinding effect. And in a display that could marvel even the most heartless lords of un-life, Canterlot was bathed in a glow of hope emanating from the streak that trailed in her wake, curving from side to side and slashing through the rows that made up the dark changeling horde...
… like Celestia’s holy blade forged from the fires of the sun - striking off the head of an Ursa Major. Umm... okay, I’ll admit, that bit wasn't in the journal. I just made that up trying to segway to the next part of the story.
- - - - - -
Right. We flew on, accelerating up into the sky. I blinked my eyes free of spots, and groaned as I finally was able to see again.
“Dash! Fluttershy!” I gasped. Pinkie smiled brightly.
“Don’t worry! They’re okay! I don’t have the ‘Oh no! My friends were annihilated by a point blank Sonic Rainboom!’ doozy!”
“Ya actually have one o’ those?” Applejack asked flatly. Pinkie frowned.
“Well I don’t actually want to feel it... It’s a doozy I hope I never feel! I’m not entirely sure I’ll know what it is but I don’t want to know it! So I know they’re fine!” She looked back at us. “Right?”
“I’ll take it,” I said. There was something wrong and it took me a moment to figure it out...
“Uh... Andrew? What’s wrong with the engines?” Twilight asked. I looked at the control panel and groaned.
“We’re out of fuel,” I said flatly. Rarity smiled.
“Well! That shouldn’t be too much of a problem,” she said. “We’re quite high up, right?”
I looked at the altimeter. “We’re threee thousand feet and...” Falling down. Not like a rock, but we were heading down like an angel on vacation. “Screw it... Twilight! Think you can land the ship in the city?”
“Er... Maybe?” Twilight said. “I’m getting a headache from all this magic I’ve been casting-”
“Good enough!” Applejack said. “Bring us around!”
I brought the Sophia around, but thanks to the fact I didn’t have Dash or Fluttershy to help with the steering it was a wide turning radius. Still, I was able to put Canterlot in the center of the windscreen.
“Uh... Andrew? You might want to slow down first,” Twilight said. I glanced back at her and then back at the city.
“Why? What’s-Oh,” I muttered. We’d shot right over it. “Right... Hard to steer her now...” I made another wide, wiiide turn, and got the craft pointed at Canterlot again... And overshot it again, though at least we buzzed several Changelings on this pass.
“There a reason you ain’t shootin’ at anything?” Applejack asked.
“If I could get a lock on anything, I would!” I retorted.
“Can I shoot the gun?” Pinkie Pie asked eagerly.
“If you can figure out how, do so!” Rarity cried.
“WHEE!” Pinkie said, poking at various buttons. “Oops! That’s the fan... Oops! That’s the soundtrack,” she muttered as Trombe! began playing. “Oops! That’s... What is this?”
“Damnit, if we keep this up and I can’t burn off enough speed this is going to turn interesting fast,” I muttered.
“Define ‘interestin’,” Applejack said.
“Oh God, oh God, we’re all going to die?” I quipped.
Hey, if I was going to die piloting a spaceship I was going to go out quoting Firefly. We flew over the city once more, and I brought us down lower once more. We were screaming several dozen meters over the towers, but I still wasn’t able to get a lock on anything before we flashed past.
We had at least dropped the forcefield around the city, allowing reinforcements in. However, we were probably scattering them and the enemy with each pass.
“Pinkie! Stop playing around and help for Luna’s sake!” Rarity squealed.
“Ooh! ‘Main Bus B undervolt, do this... Main Bus A, undervolt, do this... Why are they talking about a bus? Is there a bus on this spaceship? Where does it go?” Pinkie asked.
“PINKIE!” We all shouted.
“Right! Sorry!” Pinkie said. She hit a button, and the targeting cursor switched to her screen. “Yay! So, I just hit the trigger and... Uh...” She looked at her hooves, “oops...”
Rarity rolled her eyes and the trigger on Pinkie’s joystick began to glow. “Tell me when to-”
“SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!” Pinkie screamed as we once again buzzed Canterlot. Rarity yelped and pulled the trigger and the MASER hummed and crackled loudly.
"SHOOT MORE!" Pinkie shouted.
"I AM SHOOTING MORE!" Rarity shouted.
"STOP YELLING!" I screamed.
“We hit anything?” Applejack asked.
“What makes you think I know?!” I demanded. “I can barely make this thing turn! There isn’t a score counter!”
One more pass and Sophia was buzzing rooftops even as Rarity and Pinkie Pie kept firing the MASER. I barely avoided crashing into a tower, and we passed so close our teeth rattled. I looked back at Twilight with a wince as we flew back over the valley.
“Next pass, we’re going to hit something!” I said. Twilight grimaced.
“Okay, okay... Hang on...!” Her horn glowed. “Okay! I think I can bring us down softly... If you can find somewhere long and flat-”
“IN CANTERLOT?!” Rarity cried in disbelief. “Are you kidding?! We should bail out while we have the chance!”
“Maybe if ah got out and braked...?” Applejack offered. Twilight shook her head.
“Even you wouldn’t be able to do it, Applejack!” My marefriend cried. She closed her eyes. “I’ll just have to focus... And...”
The Dreamchaser began to glow around us, and we simultaneously slowed down but began to rise as we approached Canterlot once more. I managed to keep the ship on course, and I looked around for anywhere flat, wide...
“Does every building in this city have an angled roof?!” Applejack asked in disbelief.
“I don’t think they had landing spaceships in mind, Applejack!” Rarity shouted.
“Oooh... There’s a spot!” Pinkie cried. “Right there! Flat roof!”
“I’ve got it...!” Twilight grunted.
“Don’t fight me babe, we’ll bring her in together,” I said. I angled the ship towards the rooftop in question, and Sophia slowed down even more. I hit the drag flaps... By accident, but it was slowing us down even more. We came down, and down...
“Oh, right,” I said. “Landing gear... Knew I was forgetting something...”
“Landing what?” Asked Pinkie. I found the button and hit it, and just in time - We landed on the rooftop softly, and rolled to a halt. We all sighed in relief.
Seriously, with all the ways we could have died in the last few minutes I wouldn't be surprised if we all were sporting gray hairs by now.
“Phew,” Twilight said. I reached over to her, pulled her head close and kissed her on the tip of her horn.
“You are a the best unicorn ever,” I panted. Twilight smiled back happily and kissed me on the lips.
“Haa...”
“Oh yeah, like I didn’t do anything,” Rarity muttered.
“Quiet sugahcube, let ‘em have it out,” Applejack said with a smile.
There was a loud creak and the ship shook. We all looked at each other. Pinkie’s tail shook and twitched.
“... How heavy did you say this ship was, again?” Rarity asked.
“Get out get out GET OUT!” I shouted, frantically undoing the straps. The hatch flew open, and I grabbed Twilight first. I boosted her up out of the ship, and then Applejack, and Rarity and Pinkie clambered out after. I pulled myself up out of the hatch... And my foot caught.
“Ulp!” I looked down at my foot... Caught in the flight harness. The ship dipped as the roof crunched loudly.
“Oh yeah... I really needed this,” I muttered.
I saw my mares on another roof, looking across at me. Twilight gasped.
“Get out Andrew! GET OUT!” She shouted.
“Come on!” Rarity yelled.
“ANDREW!” Applejack shouted.
“DON’T BE SO STUBBORN!” Pinkie cried. “SURE IT’S A COOL SPACESHIP BUT YOU DON’T NEED TO DIE FOR IT!”
“WHAT DO YOU THINK I’M TRYING TO DO?!” I shouted back in exasperation. “Nngh... Hnngh...!” My foot was freed, and I was suddenly floating above the Sophia as she finally crushed the building under her weight. I sighed, and looked up at my two guardian angels.
“Did you have to wait until the last minute?” I asked wryly. Rainbow Dash snorted as Fluttershy blushed.
“We were a little held up being awesome all over the faces of the Changelings!” Dash said triumphantly. “Deal with it!”
“Oh I was so worried!” Fluttershy gasped, hugging me around my shoulders. I blinked and stared at my other marefriend. My other marefriend who had been at point blank range to a Sonic Rainboom on the outside of a spaceship moving at Mach one.
I sighed and hugged her back. “I love you so much.”
Fluttershy squeaked happily. Dash scowled.
“HEY! You’re kind of heavy, you know!”
“Sorry!” We shouted.
- - - - - -
Our path through Canterlot was amazingly clear. It seemed as though the majority of the Changelings had been directed into fighting the reinforcements that were coming through, leaving our part of town feeling almost deserted. Even above us, the Changelings were putting all their attention on the threats from the outside and not inside.
When we got to the chapel itself, there were dozens of unconscious Changelings of multiple sizes all over the place, and Chewie was guarding the entrance. I grimaced as I saw the state of my manticore-He was covered in cuts, bruises and burns.
“Chewie!” I shouted. My manticore looked up, and growled something almost happily. I rolled my eyes.
“No, I didn’t die in glorious battle before you have a chance to take my head,” I said. The manticore rose up and siezed me between his two great paws. “URK!”
“Aw, he’s happy to see you!” Fluttershy sighed.
“Feeling’s... Mutual...!” I gasped out, as the Manticore buried me in his chest fur. “Where’s Cadence?”
Chewie growled out that she was inside, and so with a nod I pushed against his chest. My manticore let go, dropping me on the pavement on my ass. “OOF!”
“Andrew! Are you all right?” Twilight asked urgently. I scrambled up to my feet, brushed myself off, and just gave an annoyed look at Chewie. The manticore moved off, clearing the path for us. I nodded gruffly.
“Yeah, I’m great, let’s just get going,” I said as I walked in as normally as I could. I wasn’t sure but I think I’d broken something...
Okay, a whole lot of somethings, but I couldn’t show weakness around the manticore gunning for me, could I?
Nor with Twilight and Fluttershy nearby. Thankfully they trotted on ahead, leaving myself and Applejack to bring up the rear.
“Stubborn as a mule, ya know,” Applejack muttered to me as we entered the ruined interior of the chapel. I shrugged.
“I’ll rest when we win,” I said. “Not like we’ve got much choice.”
“Ah know,” Applejack said with a nod.
We rounded the corner back into the chapel proper, where Twilight had found Cadence, Celestia and Shining. The former was alive and well, if exhausted. Celestia herself was alive and laying on some pillows Cadence had gotten from somewhere, but she was still out cold. And Shining...
“Come on Shining! Please, snap out of it!” Cadence tried right to the face of the still brainwashed groom. “Please!”
“Have you tried Silvermane’s Hypnosis Breaker?” Twilight suggested. Cadence nodded.
“First thing I attempted. I've been trying to get through to him but nothing works!” This was the first time I’d actually seen her look frustrated all day. I couldn’t help a little smile despite my pain - Twilight took after her foalsitter more than she thought.
“Ugh... Even sexy time didn't work?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity gasped, scandalized. Twilight turned red, as did Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie was trying to rouse Celestia with a cheerful song accompanied by Applejack clapping her hooves, but that didn’t seem to be working. Dash huffed.
“What?!” Dash asked. “It’s a valid tactic!”
“Well,” Cadence began, rubbing a hoof on the floor, “I wasn't sure how far to go-”
“Okay!” Twilight said quickly, “I get the picture! Let’s just try things you haven’t!”
“Like what?” Dash asked. Twilight smiled.
“Simple! A major emotional shock!”
I snapped my fingers and smiled.
“Ah... Ah ah... I've got this, Twilight,” I said. I allowed myself a grin and walked up to the still zombified Shining Armor. I kneeled down in front of him.
“Ah... Andrew? Sugarcube? What are you doing?” Applejack asked, keeping time as Pinkie had brought out bagpipes.
“With the day I've had, I am going to let my alpha male do the talking. Ahem.” I took a deep breath. “Hey Shining! Guess what! This filthy, sweaty human has been doing it with your sister!”
“ANDREW!” Twilight shrieked, covering her cheeks with her hooves. Cadence’s brows raised very slightly.
“OOH! I knew it! I knew you weren't just playing Spin the Bottle!” Pinkie said, before resuming her song on her bagpipes. Dash rolled her eyes.
“Yes! We have had freaky shapeshifting sex wherein she turned into a human and we did all sorts of filthy human sexy things! And she loved every moment of it. She is freaky, man! I couldn't walk straight for a week before the wedding!”
“Well... Thank you for confirming our suspicions...” Rarity muttered as Twilight’s coat began to look pinkish.
“What suspicions? Ya'll spy on 'em for new gossip!” Applejack huffed.
“I-I do not! I merely, er, check up on them to ensure they are happy!” Rarity defended herself, with a pink sheen to her cheeks.
“I-I don't know what you're talking about!” Rarity cried, looking up at the ceiling.
“Yeah right...” Dash muttered.
“Applejack! I need a clopping solo!” Pinkie gasped.
“Fine, fine,” Applejack said, clapping her hooves faster with a roll of her eyes.
“But not as freaky as when Fluttershy is with us,” I continued, heedless of how Twilight’s mane was beginning to look like flames. “Hoo boy! Her human form is hot, man! There is not a man on Earth who wouldn't sell their souls to be with her! She's like a freaking succubus! We do it as a threesome! That's right! All. Three. Of. Us.”
“I-I-Eep...!” Fluttershy managed.
“So yes, in conclusion, I have been having relations - Vigorous relations - with your sister and Fluttershy and she has also been having relations with your sister! Regularly! Dare I say it, often! How does that make you feel, huh? Huh?” I poked Shining in the nose each time I asked, smirking in an effort to make myself seem like the douchiest asshole alive. “Huh?!”
But Shining was still staring blankly out at the chapel, eyes glowing light green. My hand smacked against my forehead.
“OH COME ON!” I shouted. “What the hell kind of big brother are you?!”
Cadence tapped me on the shoulder, and treated me to a gentle smile.
Sorry Andrew, but you're going to have to do better than that to make my Shining even blush.”
I looked at Twilight. My purple marefriend had let go of her rage, but now looked like she was about to barf. I really couldn’t blame her.
“Ewww,” we said together.
Fluttershy would probably have joined us, but she was too busy passing out.
“Well,” I sighed. “Guess we can try that with Celesti...A...”
I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up and my body freeze. I heard Chewie roar in challenge, and then he was cut off.
“Oh no!” Twilight gasped.
I was thrown off my feet by a great force of green magic, and I slammed against the wall. I grunted, and I stayed there as the dark form of Chrysalis emerged from a bonfire of magic flame. Her eyes were narrowed in fury, and with another wave of force everypony else was flung away.
“Urk... I... I haven’t made you mad... Have I?” I gasped out as Chrysalis stalked towards me. And I was particularly happy that my flightsuit had a catheter.
“You... You...” She snarled. “I tried everything, everything in my power to just get you to stop. To surrender. But you are just as stubborn as the rest of your insane species!”
“Well I-” I tried. Chrysalis just continued like I wasn’t even here.
“You know, when we first came across your world, I thought that it would be a bad idea! We usually go after worlds with far less technology, more love! I just thought you’d make a nuisance of yourselves,” she began. “But no! We needed to feed, and so I was sent ahead with others to scout! My first command, I was so proud.”
“Er,” I tried again.
“It started so promisingly, four of your years ago! We infiltrated human society, manipulated the elites of your society! The lawmakers, the politicians, the celebrities. We replaced the ones we could, and mind controlled the ones we couldn't. And of course, we took as many members of your news media as possible. It was surprisingly simple to manipulate them,” she said with a wry look at me.
And so much was explained. Chrysalis didn’t stop there, of course.
“Most of them felt that the majority of the human race were mindless drones or barbarians, easily manipulated and controlled. They had a very low opinion of anyone who didn't fit their notion of ‘one of them’. It seemed like a wonderful deal! So we took their viewpoint, ran with it...”
“... And when you were revealed...” I croaked out. Why weren’t the others getting up?! What was wrong with them?!
“Yes, it turns out that having a Harvard education does not make you an expert on anything,” Chrysalis said angrily. “You rebelled. Quite ferociously. My efforts for a subtle, simple arrangement to feed off your love and move on were blown to pieces. The rest of the Hive decided on open war, and that seemed like a good deal at the time. We'd seen your alien invasion films, we didn't think they could possibly reflect reality...”
Please get up, please! I thought desperately. But everypony was still down. Twilight and Cadence were around Shining, holding him tightly. Fluttershy and Dash were together in a pile. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were trapped under Celestia, and Rarity had ended up in a flowerpot. She was at least groaning, from what I could hear over Chrysalis’s rant.
“Yes, we paid dearly for that miscalculation. Your war machines were quite formidable, able to hold their own against our weapons. And you were very inventive, determined and ruthless. But we had billions of Changelings who could combine into warcraft, you had maybe a few thousand missiles and so forth - We thought we'd wear you down until you had no choice but to surrender! Turns out you were just distracting us from the construction of your very own space battleship. A truly international effort, between ordinary and not so ordinary people across boundaries of language, religion, and other nonsense. As much as I detest and resent you humans, I will admit you are admirable when pressed,” she said, scowling at me.
“Thanks... I think?” I managed.
“When we found out, the rest of the Hive wanted to drop an asteroid on you to force you to surrender,” Chrysalis said.
My eyes widened in shock. Chrysalis reacted defensively.
“It wouldn't have been a big one! We could have cleaned up the damage after you surrendered! At great energy expenditure, I might add-”
My friends and loved ones were stirring. I had to keep Chrysalis occupied. And fortunately, she was giving me the means to right now.
“It's still an asteroid! That's not the kind of thing you drop on planets unless you're a total asshole!” I shouted in very real anger.
“Oh yes, how horrible of us to come to your world and feed off your populace so we don't starve without causing you any undo harm! You just overreacted!” Chrysalis snarled.
“Overreacted?! You tried to take over my world and feed off of our emotions and when we figured it out, you threatened to drop an asteroid on our heads! Of course we reacted appropriately!” I shouted back.
“YOU BLEW UP MY BUCKING HOME!” Chrysalis screamed, loud enough to make my bones rattle from the force of it. But I was past worrying about internal injuries.
“YOU TRIED TO PULL A KT IMPACT ON MINE!” I screamed back.
“YOU ACTUALLY BLEW IT UP!” Chrysalis shrieked.
“AND GOOD FOR US!” I screamed back. “I’M JUST HAPPY I LIVED UP TO MY RACE’S EXAMPLE AND SCREWED YOUR PLANS UP HERE, TOO!”
Chrysalis roared, and seized me in a telekinetic grip. She tossed me out the double doors of the chapel, and I rolled through broken glass in agony. Chrysalis stomped up to me, rage written on every line of her face. I tried to get back to my feet, but only succeeded in my hands and knees before she threw me against the wall again.
“GAH!” I cried out, slamming into the floor. Chrysalis was breathing hard, desperately.
“You don’t know what you’ve done!” She cried. “You don’t know what... What...!” She seethed. “I WANTED YOU TO LIVE! I WANTED ALL OF YOU TO LIVE! AND YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!” Her aura burst into flames, hot enough I felt my skin redden from the proximity. I covered my face.
“So you know what? If you want to die so much, then DIE!” She screamed. “ALL OF YOU WILL DIE!” The flames shot out in an expanding dome like a nuclear blast, and I closed my eyes shut.
I thought about my home on Earth. My mom, my dad, my brother, my cousins and aunts and uncles.
I thought about my friends.
I thought about Twilight, Fluttershy, Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Chewie, Spike...
I thought about the fact I was going to die, a universe away from my home, finally running out of luck. And I guess... I guess I accepted it.
Well God... Here I come, I thought. I’d better get a high five when I go through the Pearly Gates because damnit, I think I’ve earned it.
Yeah I’m a bit conceited. Give me a break, I’ve had a long day and now I was dying.
The flames danced over me, and I heard Chrysalis laugh and cry out above me in triumph.
“ AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AT LAST! The Elements of Harmony and their human pet are dead! I have the power of the gods and I shall destroy Luna and rule over Equestria at the head of a reborn Changeling Empire! I will be the salvation of my race, the mother of a hive that will CONQUER THE STARS! I WILL RULE OVER THE UNIVERSE ANEW AND RETURN TO CONQUER HUMANITY AND... And... And...”
She sounded confused. Frankly, I was the same. I didn’t think death would take this long... Or feel this painful and non-burning... Or be this pink.
Wait. Pink?
The flames parted in front of me, and were smothered by familiar pink forcefields. Chrysalis’s eyes bulged in horrible realization.
“No,” she muttered. “No no no...!”
I slowly got up to a sitting position, as the Changeling Queen looked behind her. There, standing like a triumphant Captain of the Guard, was Shining Armor. Twilight, Cadence, Fluttershy Celestia, everypony was there, shining with magical power. Chrysalis gulped.
“No! No! NO! NO!” She was reduced to shrieking it. “NO! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULL-!”
A pink energy blast shot forth from Shining, Twilight, Fluttershy and Cadence and smacked Chrysalis through the wall over my head. I covered myself with my arms and grimaced at the plaster and dust that rained down on me. I peeked out to see my friends gallop up to me. I smiled up at them, not really feeling up to moving.
“Andrew! Andrew, are you all right?” Twilight asked.
“Yare yare daze,” I mumbled.
“He’s speaking gibberish! We’re too late!” Pinkie Pie gasped.
“No, I think that’s another of his culture references,” Applejack said dryly.
"There's a difference?" Asked Pinkie.
“... Did I just get saved by the power of love?” I asked.
“Not of you,” Shining snorted with a little grin. Cadence gave him a flat look, and he cleared his throat. “But of family... And loved ones,” and here he gave his wife and his sister warm smiles.
“Good,” I muttered. “Because I couldn’t think of anything else to save our skins...”
“Kind of corny when you think about it, but I’m not gonna!” Rainbow Dash said cheerfully.
“What a shock,” Twilight snarked. Dash scowled.
“Hey!”
The nearby wall was demolished, and a booming (happily) familiar voice filled the chapel as bells began to ring.
“VICTORY! VICTORY OVER THE CHANGELING SCOURGE!” Princess Luna cried as she flared her wings. Her troops joined the cheering, inside and outside the chapel.
“HUZZAH!” Added a grinning Spike, decked out in plate armor bearing a gun and sword, at the side of the Princess. Rarity actually blushed when she saw him, and I allowed myself a grin.
“Spike!” She cried.
“Rarity!” He returned. He got a kiss for his troubles, and his scales turned bright red. “Heheheh...”
The other wall was demolished by what looked like a steampunk version of a Styker armored vehicle, complete with whistles and guns. Up top was a stoic looking Smokestack, behind a crank operated gatling gun.
“Can’t anypony use a door?” Cadence muttered.
“I believe Luna has been setting a bad example,” Celestia muttered back to her princess. Cadence got a good giggle out of it as the front hatch of the vehicle opened. Three filly shaped blurs galloped out, homing in on three of our number.
“APPLEJACK!”
“RARITY!”
“RAINBOW DASH!”
Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo all found their big sisters (or big sister figures, in the case of Scootaloo) and hugged them. There was much laughing and joyful noise as reunions were made and excited voices were raised...
Hell, even Chewie was okay. Though I knew that thanks to Fluttershy relating it to me after all this. For now... There was another voice in the din. One that attracted all our attention.
“No, no, nooo...” Moaned a familiar voice. I was helped up to my feet, and I looked back through the hole in the wall to Chrysalis. She was lying in a pile of flowers and candies and looking about as miserable as I felt. Tears were pouring from her eyes. Smokestack turned the big gun on his vehicle on the alien Queen, as numerous other ponies trained their weapons on her too.
“No,” she moaned. “I failed... I-I failed... We’re going to die... I was the last... And that’s it...” She slowly looked up at us. “Go ahead,” she whimpered. “Go ahead... Finish me off!”
I felt a twinge inside my chest at this. A painfully familiar one. Luna opened her mouth, but I held up a hand.
“Wait,” I said. Chrysalis let out a bitter laugh, scornful eyes on me.
“Wait, you say... You should be the one killing me! You killed the rest of us! You have any idea what it’s like? Huh? To wander between stars, even universes, trying to feed your entire race? You have any idea what it’s like to-to be the last of your kind?! The only hope?!” She sobbed. “I was the only queen to escape the Hive! The only one! You maniacs killed the rest of us! All of us!”
She glared at me, eyes filled with pain and rage and defiance even with the full might of Canterlot leveled against her. She was proud, I’d give her that. Stubborn too.
So stubborn...
“So that’s it,” Chrysalis finished. “That’s it! Do me in! Eliminate this scourge and be done with it! Now! NOW!”
There was silence. Celestia caught my eye, and it was as though she saw right through me. I worked my jaw. She nodded. I sighed.
“... Didn’t you,” I began. “Didn’t you think of just... Asking for help?”
Chrysalis blinked, and looked at me as though I was insane. “... Asking?”
“We would have helped you, Chrysalis,” Cadence said. “Even someone like you.”
“Yes we would!” Shining said determinedly. “You didn’t have to do any of this!”
"If you hadn't invaded like a giant meany, then yeah!" Pinkie added.
Similar pronouncements were made by the rest of my friends, albeit some angrier than others.
“And we still can help you,” I said, taking a step towards Chrysalis. She reared back, eyes flashing green. Twilight and Fluttershy both gasped, but I took another step anyway.
At this point I was pretty much running on empty. I had even run out of fear.
“Help me?!” Chrysalis snarled. “I tried to conquer your world! I tried to kill you!”
“And guess what? You failed,” I stated. She winced. “But... I think we can at least all agree we’re tired of blasting and yelling at eachother...” I reached out a hand, “maybe... We could try something else.”
Chrysalis stared up at me. She looked back at the assorted ponies behind me. I couldn’t hear any dissension, though I did hear some grumbling in the direction of Applejack.
“... You’d... You...” She shook her head. “You and these ponies... Are insane,” she muttered.
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s why we get along so well.”
Chrysalis continued to stare at us. Very slowly, she lowered her head and sighed.
“Then I guess,” she began, “I will start with...” She took a deep breath, and almost looking relieved said:
“I surrender.”
- - - - - -
So... I would recount more of what happened after that but the girls insisted I be rushed to the hospital immediately. I would have argued, but I was a little too busy coughing up blood at that point. So much of what followed was related to me by others.
Chrysalis surrendered and ordered all of her Changelings to follow suit. They did so, though many were more reluctant about it than others and several of the older Changelings were unaccounted for.
Equestria agreed to harbor the remaining Changelings, and even to allow them to become citizens if they assisted and cooperated constructively in society. And given how much cleaning up they had to do, there was at least that means of generating some good will.
Though fortunately none of it horning in on my business. I needed to make a living too, you know.
The Changelings would pursue a symbiotic relationship with the ponies, rather than a predator/prey relationship. Something like “crop rotation”, they’d have to cultivate their “meals” and so on. And given they were shapeshifters, there was a lot of potential there if they stopped to think about it.
Frankly, the more I learned about the Changelings, the less I was surprised my species beat them. I mean sure, humanity is awesome. An atomic bomb powered battleship? Really awesome! But given all of these decisions... Yeah, really not surprised.
Not that I was going to tell Chrysalis that.
And there was one more condition.
One that Celestia related to us right after Cadence and Shining’s wedding was concluded and the happy couple was off on their honeymoon...
- - - - - -
It was morning in Twilight’s library, and I was sitting at the kitchen table. I was flipping through a book on carpentry while Spike was finishing up breakfast. He was still wearing the happy dazed smile from that damn kiss. Though I couldn’t complain too much about that - He at least wasn’t taking as many shots at me.
Figuratively... And literally.
Besides... We had other, bigger fish to fry.
Up out of the basement, looking more than a bit disagreeable, came Chrysalis. Queen of the Changelings herself. I looked over at this incredibly powerful being... And smiled.
“Morning Chrissy,” I said cheerfully. Spike snorted back, and returned to breakfast. Chrysalis grimaced.
“Ugh... Don't call me that,” she growled.
“What, you don't like that?” I asked. She trotted up to the table and laid her head down on it with a sigh.
“Sounds too froofroo... I can almost see the letters being written in pink with big, loopy hoofwriting,” she said with a tiny bit of a shudder.
“...Point taken,” I conceded. “Not much of a morning bug, are you?”
“Coffee... Just get me a cup of coffee. I don't know how I went a day without the stuff before I replaced Cadence,” she sighed happily. “That stuff is just... I can't describe it-”
“Nectar of the gods?” I managed with a wry smile. The queen nodded.
“EXACTLY! Good choice of words by the way,” she said happily. Spike rolled his eyes and pointed to the pot on the counter. She summoned it to the table with magic, and poured herself a mug with a look of contentment.
“Milk and honey?” I asked.
“No thank you, I’m not much for sweet things,” said Chrysalis while making a face.
I really should have seen that coming.
“Right!” I reached across the kitchen table and swept up the still-steaming coffee pot, pouring the Queen of the Changelings a cup. “Black it is.”
Twilight entered the kitchen next. She did a double take at Chrysalis, but frankly that was just habit. Chrysalis didn’t even seem to care at this point.
“Good morning, Friendship Intern,” Twilight managed. Chrysalis nodded with a sigh.
“Good morning, Twilight Sparkle,” she returned.
Forced pleasantires out of the way, Twilight trotted up next to me with a peck to my cheek. I gave her a warm smile.
“Morning babe,” I said.
“Morning Andrew,” she returned. I reached across the table and took the coffee pot, pouring my marefriend a mug.
Ah, coffee. I could relate how my morning routine revolved around brewing that sweet cup of salvation. Mornings were a quest undertaken under the warming rays of dawn, a rabid beast to be tamed. Though at the end of the dungeon there was no levelled enchanted weapon, or a treasure chest of loot, but a cup of hot, bitter, aromatic sobriety that kick started my day.
So while I contemplated the marvels of coffee, Chrysalis completely nuked the conversation with: “And once you’re done with that, would you be a dear and make out with Twilight for me?”
Now I can tell you, I have seen quite a share of spit-takes. But Twilight Sparkle’s reaction to Chrysalis’ comment was nothing short of epic.
It started with a small choke and a snort. For a second I thought the coffee would shoot out her nose. Her cheeks bulged and her lips puckered, and then it came. A squirt at first, like the jet escaping a child’s water-gun. Then things escalated from there, a geyser of hot tar erupting from Twilight’s mouth.
Now you ought to be pretty familiar with my luck at this stage, and if not – what story have you been following so far? So it was no surprise said geyser of coffee hit me right in the side of the head with enough force to throw me sideways out of my seat.
It took several attempts to find my chair again, more so out of shock rather than the daze. I was swatting at the little birdies orbiting my noggin while my other hand grasped for some kind of handhold. After a few fumbling attempts I managed to get a hold of the table’s edge and pulled myself up. The birds broke formation and dashed out the open window as I watched the insect-pony queen with saucer-sized eyes.
I half expected to see Chrysalis laughing to herself. I expected that comment to be some sort of underhanded Changeling joke.
Nope... she just sat there, watching bemused as the spit-take had unfolded before her, sipping her coffee calmly.
“... Pardon?” Twilight managed.
“I’m hungry,” the Changeling Queen said flatly.
Oh. Ohhhh.
Twilight blushed in realization, and looked almost shy. “So... Um-”
“Right now, provided it is convenient for you,” Chrysalis said, a hint of imperiousness in her tone as she waved her hoof. She eyed me with an almost seductive look. “Unless you require some... Instruction~?” She practically purred, licking her teeth with her tongue.
Twilight must have been picking up some of Fluttershy’s impulsiveness, because the next thing I knew I was on my back with the unicorn’s tongue down my throat.
Well... I can think of worse ways to end an adventure like this.
“Ooh, that’s good! But put put your back into it! Honestly, it’s like you don’t even know what you’re doing!” Chrysalis cried.
… They’re just not coming to me right now.
- - - - - -
OMAKE
- - - - - -
“What about this?” Twilight asked, her light going to a spotlight in the depths of the Equestrian archives. “Is this some kind of energy weapon?”
“No,” I said, “it’s a spotlight.”
“Oh...” She said.
“Um, Twilight, Andrew,” Fluttershy began, “I’m so, so sorry I didn’t-”
“It’s all right, Fluttershy,” I said with a smile. “It’s okay... Really...”
“Over here!” Dash cried. We ran over to her position, dodging through the various piles of stuff, before we reached her. The cyan pegasus was happily bouncing up and down on top of a large contraption.
“What is this? I bet it’s something super awesome that’ll totally eliminate all of the Changelings!” Dash said with a bright grin. I sighed and rubbed my forehead.
“Dash... That’s a combine,” I said.
“What does it do?” Dash asked with a grin. “Does it chew up aliens and spit them out?”
“It harvests wheat,” I said flatly. “And I doubt we could get it up to the surface anyway.”
“Ooooh!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing up. “I found something! I found something! I found something!” She held up a ray gun with her tail. “I bet this is some kind of super awesome amazing ray gun that shoots out love and power and-”
“Toy,” I immediately stated, recognizing it by the cheap plastic of it’s construction. Pinkie scowled.
“Awww...!” She tossed it away, and sat down on the floor with a pout. An energy beam shot out from the pistol and annihilated the combine with a loud thunderclap. We all slowly turned and looked back at Pinkie. She threw her hooves up.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
The Northern Forests of Equestria were broad expanses of taiga, covered in pine trees poking out of the snow. It was gorgeous, green and white stretching out in all directions under a perfectly clear blue sky. The moon was visible dimly in the day, lit up by the sun. I sucked in a deep breath of the clear air, and smiled.
"Homesick?" Asked Cadence. I shrugged and leaned back against the railing of the airship we were riding. I looked down at the forest as it passed by underneath us.
"Yeah... Just a bit," I admitted. The Princess of Love smiled at me and nodded.
"I too feel homesick," she said, looking to the north herself. "I'm not from Equestria originally."
"No?" I asked in some surprise. I mean, I knew that there were more nations than Equestria but it was still somewhat new to me.
Cadence shook her head.
"No... I'm from the distant Crystal Empire," she said. "Long ago, it was the home to the Crystal ponies, and my family. But we had to escape it a thousand years ago, because the current ruler, King Sombra, banished it forever."
"Woah," I said in shock and sympathy. "I'm sorry to hear that, I... I can kind of relate."
"Yes," Cadence said with a sad smile, "the pain is near to us both. It was so long ago for me... But there are times it is as clear as day," she looked ahead. She looked at me. "You're good for her, you know."
"Hm?" I asked. Cadence nodded.
"Twilight, I mean. You don't have any magic, or powers, but you trust her enough to use her abilities and give her everything she needs," she said. "And you'll insult an alien demi-goddess to her face for her... And Fluttershy." She smiled and winked. "That kind of thing sticks with mares, believe me."
"Well, in my world, there aren't any more dragons to slay," I said with a wry smile. "So it's harder to impress women."
"That is a shame," Cadence said with a nod. "Though I've found that males of any species will make themselves some dragons to slay."
Shining trotted up to Cadence, clearing his throat rather loudly. "Dear, we're almost there," Shining said. "I was hoping we could check over the charts." He raised his eyebrows significantly. Cadence laughed and nuzzled him.
"Join me in the map room then~," she cooed, floating down the hatch into the airship's cabins. Shining watched her go with a grin, and then looked back at me with a scowl. I raised my hands.
"Hey, relax dude," I said. "I would never rub another man's rhubarb."
Shining's scowl deepened. "See that you don't..." He leaned in closer with a growl. "Because I remember everything you said you've been doing to my little sister."
I coughed. "... Yes, well... I was trying to break you out of the spell... Eheh..."
Shining smirked. "I'm married to the Princess of Love, Monkey Boy. Don't you forget it... Like I won't forget it," he growled. He turned and trotted down the hatch into the airship. I sighed and looked out at the trees below.
"Just great," I muttered.
- - - - - -
The site looked like any number of clearings below. I suppose that was the point-The snow dusting hid everything. We descended down to it, and I followed Shining and Cadence out into the snow. I shivered a bit, and held my package in my gloved hands.
"This way," Cadence said softly. We trotted through the snow, passing through the trees. Over a ridge, I saw a small gray gravestone poking out of the snow. As one, we walked up to the grave.
"Hello Nicole," Cadence said gently. "We brought you a visitor."
"Much better than the guest we had before," Shining said. He glanced at me, and clearly held back a "Barely". His wife was looking at him. I sighed and walked up in front of the grave. I kneeled down, and unwrapped my package-A bouquet of flowers.
"Hey," I said with a smile. I looked over at Cadence and Shining. The couple backed away, as though to allow me some privacy. I sighed and tapped my fingers over the bouquet.
"... It's cold," I said. "I mean, I'm..." I was silent again, and I groaned. "Look... We never met, but I saw your recordings. And your ship helped us save this world." I smiled brightly. "You helped save two worlds, how many people can say that? You were awesome... And... And you and Isaac..." I sighed and rubbed my forehead.
"I don't know what you believed in... If you believed in anything," I said. "I believe in God. Why is... Is kind of personal, but I do. I believe that there is purpose and good in this universe... Any universe, and you need to fight for it... So I do know you at least believe in good. And put it into action. So you know what? You are a hero. You and Isaac and... And everyone else. And without you, none of us would be free right now. Or alive," I said. "So... So I hope you're not offended, but I'm going to pray you and Isaac met up in the afterlife together." I looked over at Shining and Cadence, and back at the gravestone.
"I have first hand experience that love is a powerful force, no matter who shares it," I said with a smile. I set the flowers on the grave, and I rose back to my feet. I gave it a salute and smiled. "Thank you..."
I stepped back from the grave. Cadence and Shining smiled back.
"May we... Be alone?" She asked. I nodded and walked off back towards the ship. My hand went to my wallet, and I looked down at the recently added photo. Twilight and Fluttershy and the rest smiled back at me, and I smiled down.
"Yeah," I said softly. "Love... Is pretty awesome."
And someday, hopefully, Earth would know just how awesome...
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Getting back to work after having to fight frantically for my life and my adopted world was almost a relief. There's a reason action movie stars don't go through post-traumatic stress disorder-It doesn't make for good films. Well not if you want to make money, but maybe if you want to win an Academy Award. I know what I'd rather make.
Though following the Changeling Invasion, I'd been given both: A nice stipend as a "Hero of Equestria" and a medal as a "Hero of Equestria". A medal I had... Er... Lost. Somewhere. I was pretty sure I knew where it was. Somewhere.
Anyway, getting back to work was almost fun.
Though even compared to the Changeling invasion, scrambling through the rafters of Applejack's barn could not really be called fun persay.
"You're honestly worried about these beams?" I asked. Big Macintosh nodded, sitting below me as he flipped through papers.
"Eeyup."
"You've rebuilt the barn like four times in the past year," I said dryly. I swung onto a beam and hung from it. I then pulled myself up on top of the wood and arranged myself to sit on it. "Seriously, and you say you're in bad financial shape," I said. "No wonder!"
"Nnnope," Big Macintosh said. I blinked.
"What?"
Big Macintosh held up the papers. "We're in the black. Great harvest this year. Sales through the roof."
I blinked down at him. "Then... Why is Applejack always so freaked out? I mean, she told me she couldn't afford to pay me too much for the maintenance around the farm..."
She couldn't possibly be scamming me, could she? The Element of Honesty? Big Mac shook his head.
"Nope. Applejack's just not good at math."
"Like, how not good?" I asked.
"She thinks zeros are a bad thing," Big Macintosh said. I slid down a rope from the rafters, landing on the dirt floor. I walked up to the big red stallion with a raised eyebrow. Wordlessly he hoofed a piece of paper to me. I blinked at the returns... And then I whistled.
"Well those zeroes look good," I said. Big Mac nodded.
"Eeyup."
"So... You can afford to pay me my usual fee, right?" I asked.
"Eeyup."
"Good," I said with a sigh. I rubbed the back of my head. "So uh... About that plot of your land by the river...?"
"Lookin' t' start yer own homestead?" He asked.
"Well, my current accommodations are a bit... Uncomfortable."
- - - - - -
A few nights ago...
I was snoozing softly, my dreams filled with happiness and joy and sunshine...
I felt a weight on my hips, and I slowly opened my eyes. I blinked up into Fluttershy's eyes.
"... Uh... Good evening Fluttershy," I said.
"Oh, good evening Andrew," she said in a low voice.
"... Why are you on top of me?" I asked.
"I insisted," Chrysalis said, looking over her shoulder. "I'm starving. So, come on! Get going!"
"But-She's not in human form!" I protested. Fluttershy looked sad.
"You mean... You don't like me when I'm a pegasus?" She asked. "I... I can't really help it-"
"Nonono! That's not what I mean!" I said quickly, resting my hands on her thighs. "I just mean it's a bit awkward for both of us..."
"I don't mind," Fluttershy said with a smile. "I-I mean... I love you either way..."
"Er, well..." I tried to come up with excuses because... Well, this is just a bit weird. But I wouldn't break Fluttershy's heart.
And to be honest, the real source of awkwardness was not our anatomical differences... But the alien bug queen in the room.
"Fluttershy?" I asked. Fluttershy shrugged and smiled. Her wings stiffened.
"Well, um... I like it when we do things human style... And I don't kick you in the face when I-"
"Yes," I said quickly. "But does she have to be here?"
"I thought certain humans and ponies enjoyed having an audience?" Chrysalis asked with a playful smile.
"I don't!" I growled.
"I don't mind," Fluttershy said.
"I knew that, Fluttershy," I said dryly. "I just think we could-MMPH!"
"I do love her initiative!" Chrysalis said cheerfully, clapping her hooves together.
And I could relate more but this is supposed to be the PG-13 related version of my journal. Besides, why would I tell YOU guys? It's my private business what I get up to with my alien girlfriends who happen to resemble ponies some of the time! Not that I... Well I did but...
Why did I even get onto this subject in the first place? It's not like I told Big Macintosh all the details, either.
Speaking of which...
- - - - -
Big Macintosh stared at me. I sighed.
"Look... Having Chrysalis constantly pushing me into intimacy with my girlfriends is just a little... Uncomfortable! I need time to myself, you know? And it would help if not every bed was rated for ponies only, my back is killing me..."
Big Macintosh nodded. "Eeyup."
"I mean we don't even talk anymore!" I went on. "It's always 'Feed the Love Queen! Sex them up! No harder! HARDER!'"
"Eeyup."
"I'm not crazy, right?" I asked. "I mean, she may be Twilight's Intern but she doesn't have to hang around us all the time!"
Big Macintosh nodded. "Eeyup."
"So yeah, somewhere we can be alone would be great," I said with a sigh. "So, that plot of land... How much would it be?"
Big Mac and I haggled over the price a bit. He is nothing if not a shrewd business stallion. But he was willing to give me a fair deal, especially considering I'd need to buy lumber, appliances, and some other materials. And that done, I shook his hoof with a smile.
"Pleasure doing business with you, Big Macintosh," I said.
"Eeyup," he said. I allowed myself a wry smile.
"You're always a joy to talk to. Always so eloquent."
Big Macintosh smirked. "Eeyup."
I headed out of the barn. Applejack came up and smiled at me.
"Hey sugahcube! Work out the barn issues?"
"Yes indeed," I said. I smiled and gave her a thumbs up. "And I made a deal for my own homestead on your property!"
"Oh? You have?" Applejack asked with a smile. "Well, ah hope mah brother gave ya a fair price even with our..." She looked to the side. "Problems. Ah mean... Ah'm willing to give you some er... Extra incentive if ya want~..." She wiggled her hips with a seductive smile, and licked her lips.
I stared for a long moment. "... You are a witch, you know that?"
Applejack snickered. "Well, Big Mac does like a little joke every now and then. And you are jest too easy sometimes."
"Yeah yeah," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Seriously, ah hope you can understand what we have to pay you," she said earnestly. "And if ya want mah body t' make up for it-"
"Then you'll shatter my jaw with a mighty buck?" I asked dryly. Applejack chuckled, turning and trotting off.
"Nah," she cast back over her shoulder, "ah maht take ya up on the offer, and then you'll be in real trouble." She gave me a smoky look.
"Can't argue with that," I laughed as I headed for the exit to the farm.
I had missed Applejack's flirting and teasing. It was like coming back home... And now I was going to have a new home to come to.
Well, as soon as I built it. But really... How hard could it be?
... I wrote that in my journal so it doesn't count.
- - - - - -
"Mmm... Mmph... Mwah! Fluttershy!"
I paused outside the library, my hand resting on the door handle. I raised my eyebrow. I peeked inside to see my marefriends standing in the center of the library, both with flushed faces. Fluttershy was licking her lips while Twilight was scowling a bit.
“What? I like kissing you,” Fluttershy said. Twilight reached her hoof up to rub her cheek and looked aside.
“Er... Well... The thing is Fluttershy...” My unicorn marefriend was usually so articulate. Fluttershy frowned.
“What is it?” Fluttershy asked. “Did I use too much tongue?”
“No! That part was okay... Wait, no it wasn’t!” Twilight insisted. “Look Fluttershy, I-”
“Oh for crying out loud,” Chrysalis sighed. The Changeling Queen trotted up between them and rolled her eyes. “You two are even more irritating than you and that monkey!”
“Technically he isn’t a monkey,” Fluttershy said. “He’s a hominid-”
“Whatever!” Chrysalis said flatly. “Your marefriend isn’t into you kissing her. Well she is, but not as much as she pretends.”
“What?” Fluttershy gasped. Twilight’s cheeks burned red in shame.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I mean, I do care for you a lot Fluttershy but I’m just not that into... Ya know...”
Fluttershy wilted. “You mean... You’re not into mares?”
“Well um... Not really,” Twilight said. “I mean, well, that is-”
“She means she’s into it when Shepherd is around because it inflames him with passion,” Chrysalis said wryly. “And makes him do that-”
“YES,” Twilight said quickly and loudly, “I love that! But um... When it’s just us-”
“Oh,” Fluttershy said with a frown. “I... I see...”
“Fluttershy, I love you! You know that!” Twilight insisted.
“Yes, she is telling the truth about that,” Chrysalis said. “She likes cuddling with you. She’s just not inflamed with lust when it comes to you. For some reason, she’s into apes.”
“He’s not an ape!” Fluttershy insisted. “But why didn’t you tell me-?”
“Because she’s afraid of hurting your feelings and she is very unhappy with herself that she actually is into mares when you are so inflamed with passion-”
“Stop reading my mind!” Twilight growled as Fluttershy looked down at the floor sadly. Chrysalis held up her hoof and scowled.
“You want me to be your friendship intern! I’m helping you resolve an issue of friendship and sexual issues!” The Changeling Queen shook her head. “But fine, I’ll talk about Fluttershy’s feelings...” She smirked. “Or maybe Andrew’s, since he’s listening just outside the door of the library.”
Damn empathic alien queens. I sighed as I entered the library. “Sorry, you were talking and I didn’t want to interrupt...”
“That part is true,” Chrysalis said. “Technically. He thought you two were doing something sexy and wanted to watch but then he didn’t want to enter and possibly make things worse.”
“... Thanks?” I managed. Twilight flushed.
“W-Well... You know, I do love that-”
“Sex,” Chrysalis said. “Seriously, she really, really loves that. So does Fluttershy. I mean, you humans and ponies should have gotten together sooner! All those perverted ideas and manuals. Ones that Twilight of course has read cover to cover-”
“LIES!” Twilight shouted, turning so red she looked like she was about to burst into flames. “LIES!”
“Okay, how did you figure that out?” I asked flatly. Chrysalis stared at me.
“I’m empathic and incredibly smart,” she said. “Duh.”
“It-It’s okay!” Fluttershy said, trembling a bit. “I-I don’t mind it... I mean, that does resolve the issue...” Fluttershy sniffled. “I’m... I’m going into the kitchen... To uh... H-Have some water...”
“She means cry,” Chrysalis said. Fluttershy sniffled and galloped off. Twilight sighed. The Changeling queen scowled. “What?!”
I sighed and rubbed the back of my head. “Yeah, this is why I’m moving out.”
“Moving out?!” Twilight cried. Fluttershy had flipped around and tackled me.
“OOF!”
“M-Moving out? Where? Y-You don’t like me sexually either? I TRY! I TRY! I’m sorry my human and pony forms are so ugly!” Fluttershy cried.
“No no no!” I said quickly. “I’m just moving to my own home where we can all get some privacy when we want it! And so I don’t have to get a massage every week due to the beds at both places being so hard on my spine.”
My marefriends blinked. Twilight sighed. Fluttershy coughed as I hugged her.
“Sorry,” Fluttershy admitted. “I-I guess-”
“Your confidence took a hit when Twilight, whom you find very attractive, doesn’t find you sexy in the same way,” Chrysalis said.
“Quit it!” Twilight growled.
“What?!”
- - - - - -
I took Fluttershy upstairs, and we sat on the bed together. I ran my fingers through her mane comfortingly, as I held her with my other arm.
"Fluttershy, it's okay," I said. "Come on, you know I think you're beautiful in human or pony form."
Fluttershy sniffled. "I... I find I have to keep telling myself that..." She looked down. "I guess I'm just being silly again."
"Well, sometimes," I admitted. "I mean, in either form you are gorgeous."
"But Chrysalis... And-And you moving out," Fluttershy said. I sighed and thought about it. How could I explain it so my sensitive marefriend didn't take it the wrong way?
Ah. Of course! I could fall back on human culture. There we go. It isn't bullshitting if it's actually true!
Or at least true from a certain point of view...
"Fluttershy, in my culture back on Earth, young men and women are expected to leave home and find their own destiny," I explained. "When we're adults, we are encouraged to get out of the house of our family so we can go out... And start families of our own."
Fluttershy blinked and stared at me. She then blushed deeply. "Ah... Oh... Um... A family...?" She asked softly. I nodded.
"Yeah. We were basically told by our God to go out, be fruitful and multiply, so..." I shrugged and sighed. "Back on my world, we were kind of in the midst of a huge economic depression and transition to a new economic paradigm... Er... Thing... Which made it difficult for young people to go out and get jobs and start their own families. But here, I've got the chance!"
"Start a family," Fluttershy murmured softly. She nodded with a cheerful smile.
"I understand completely," she said in a low tone. She nuzzled me, and I blinked.
"Well, that's good," I said with a smile, feeling relieved if a bit confused. Fluttershy beamed, and flew off to the door. She hovered in front of it as she opened the door and looked back at me.
"I'll have to ask for a lot of help, but... But I'm happy about this! I... I really am!" She said. "I'll have to talk to Twilight first, but... But I'm sure we can agree on something together!"
"Er... What specifically?" I asked. Fluttershy giggled and winked.
"You'll see!" She said as she flew off. I watched her go and frowned.
Well... That didn't sound ominous or anything.
No really, I needed to stop being so paranoid. Besides, I had a lot of work to do in regards to my new house...
- - - - -
I came downstairs soon after, just in time to see Fluttershy finish whispering something to Twilight. My pegasus girlfriend then flew out the door, still softly giggling. Twilight gave me a slightly confused look.
"What did you say to her?" She asked.
I shrugged, feeling strangely hesitant to divulge things. After all, I didn't exactly know what I had said that made Fluttershy so happy. "Just the truth," I said, which was true. I kneeled down next to her. "How are you doing?"
"Oh, fine," Twilight muttered, and I could see her mentally filing away a few questions for later. "I sent Chrysalis off to relax a bit. Honestly, she is just so irritating!"
"Yeah, well, alien invaders tend to be that," I said as I stroked Twilight's mane. She sighed as she calmed down, and smiled at me.
"So... You're really getting your own place, huh?" She asked. I nodded.
"Yep... I mean, right now I feel a bit like a vagrant, sneaking back and forth between the homes of my marefriends," I said with a teasing smile and wink. "Gotta settle down, be respectable. Besides, your beds are kind of murder on my back."
"And of course," Twilight said with a smile and a wink, "you're going to need somepony to help keep you organized."
"Yep," I said with a nod. I looked about the library with a frown and rubbed my chin. "Now who could I get who is very, very organized?"
Twilight laughed and gently butted me with her head. I rubbed my shoulder with a mock look of hurt, before I lost my battle with my smile.
"I might have an idea or two," Twilight said. "So! Why don't we get going and organized?"
"Sounds good to me," I said with a smile.
"By the way," Twilight said, "you do have some blueprints for your house, right?"
I blinked at her... And then I promptly facepalmed. Twilight stared at me, and began to laugh.
"Y-You-Hahahaha-You don't have any plans?!" She laughed.
"It's not that funny!" I defended myself. "I kind of just... Make things up as I go along! Seems to work out pretty well-Really Twilight, it is not that funny!"
But it was no avail. She was laughing herself sick. But I got her back nicely.
Then we made some plans... And this was where the real fun began.
Well we already had some real fun, that last part about "real fun" was meant to be sarcastic.
Sheesh, at this rate I'm going to start writing like Mojo freaking Jojo talks...
- - - - - -
Omake Time Again! This time by Kaotix! An alternate ending to the battle with the Changelings!
Queen Chrysalis gloated over the capture of the Elements of Harmony and the defeat of Celestia.
"Nothing can stop me now!" She crowed as she ran a hoof under the still entranced Shining Armor's chin. "Canterlot is mine and soon the rest of Equestria will be under my hoof!"
All looked hopeless for our heroines as there was nothing they could do now to stop the queen without the Elements. From behind the closed doors leading into the main vestibule as a monotone, vaguely female voice spoke.
"Offensive Spell Matrix.... Online."
"What?" Chrysalis stared at the closed doors unsure of what she was hearing.
"Defensive Spell Matrix.... Online"
The captured ponies now all looked to the door as the voice sounded once more.
"Life Support Spell Matrix.... Online"
"Power Reserves.... One Hundred Percent"
There was a sudden boom and the sealed doors shook. Cracks formed around the hinges that held the mighty doors. Another Boom and the door bowed inward. The poor hinges finally gave way and the heavy doors fell into the room kicking up a thick cloud of dust and debris.
As the dust settled, a large bipedal behemoth stepped into the room. It was 8 feet tall and looked like some sort of metal golem that was made in a cave with a box of scraps. On its breastplate were the symbols of Sun and Moon. On it's right shoulder pad was a design recognizable to the Mane 6: a filly wearing a cape, the symbol of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
The helmet lit up, revealing the angry human face underneath. "I'm here to kick ass and eat cake. And I don't see any cake!" Andrew cried as he shot straight at the queen with speed that should have been impossible for such a large construct. Above his right fist, a flame sparked to life ready to fire and roast the Changeling Queen as soon as he got into range.
Somewhere from safety of the vestibule, three fillies looked at their still blank flanks and sighed.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
I saw Smokestack down at his shop later that night. He'd made an addition to it-A larger workshop that had essentially become a garage for the Steampunk Stryker. Or, as Smokestack was marketing it, "The Iron Dragon."
The vehicle was big enough I could sit inside it comfortably, and it went around on six large wheels with basic vulcanized rubber tires. The exterior was metal plated, and unpainted which left it a pattern of bronze and dull iron depending on the metal used. As typical of pony designs, there were a few hearts here and there-Including on the barbette up top that housed the crank operated gatling gun. The whole thing was powered by a complex gas engine in the back. So not strictly steampunk, but the mechanical aspects wouldn't look out of place in the nineteenth century. The machining process and the pressurized gas though made it far more powerful than early gas engines would have been able to manage.
"Gotta say Smokestack, I'm really impressed you put this thing together so quickly," I said with a grin. Smokestack shrugged as we were inspecting the tires of the vehicle.
"Eh... Some of your stories about armored vehicles got me thinking. Since the arms business has been so good to us, I thought, 'why not make a mobile gun that can also carry passengers?' Gives it more of a market, really." He tapped the wheel we'd been inspecting. "Yep, gonna have to take this off. Liable to fall off on its own we don't."
"There's a market for this thing?" I asked as I crouched to help him remove the large wheel. I grunted as I lifted it with the pony blacksmith, and set it aside. Smokestack nodded, wiping his brow with his hoof.
"Yup... Somewhat limited for now, but I expect it will grow given we took it for a test run in Canterlot," he said. He trotted over to the replacement wheel, and I lifted up the wrench that would bolt it to the vehicle. By definition, most pony wrenches had to be big-It was the only way to get enough leverage comfortably. "Rail and airship are good ways to travel, but Iron Dragons grant your average pony more freedom. Not everypony can afford an airship, after all."
He rolled the large wheel up, and I caught it. Together we attached it, and I began to turn the bolts. I grunted at the effort, using my weight to turn each one.
"Yeah... But a four wheeled monstrosity like this... With the gatling gun... Isn't, ungh... Something every pony will afford, either!" I panted. I fastened each bolt carefully, in a star pattern as I'd learned to do with replacing tires back home.
"Nope, but given the colonization efforts down south and to the north, a vehicle like this could be worth a nice bit," Smokestack said. "Colonists goin' out on the frontier might drive one of these babies out, then when they reach where they want to settle they just convert it into their home. Add on a fuel convertor for the gas engine, there you go. Nice starter."
"Lot of survivalist ponies on the frontier?" I asked. Smokestack looked at me, confused. I shook my head. "I mean, ponies who prefer to live off the land? Independent minded?"
"Fair amount," Smokestack said. "But the prospect of makin' a new home, a new community, is an attractive one to a number of ponies." He eyed me wryly. "And humans, I take it."
"Yeah, pretty much," I chuckled.
"Mare problems?" He asked. I shook my head.
"Not so much but... I'd like my own place."
"Your own house, your own rules?" Smokestack asked. I nodded. "That won't last when you're involved with two mares... Or more."
"Yeah, but men have to fight for some kind of independence, right?" I asked with a grin. Smokestack nodded.
“Yep. Though when foals come along, you might have to rethink that.”
“Eh, plenty of my friends back home got married and had kids,” I said. “It changed them a little but not completely. Besides, that won’t be for a while.”
“Oh?” Smokestack asked with a raised eyebrow. “Heard tell you were going to raise yourself a whole pack of critters.”
I rolled my eyes. “And according to the same rumor mill, Celestia and Luna are having my love children and I’m having relations with about half the mares in town.”
“Not to mention some of the stallions,” Smokestack pointed out.
“So yeah, I don’t have any bundles of joy on the way just yet,” I said.
“Thought about it?” Smokestack pressed. I coughed and looked down.
“... Yeah, yeah I have,” I said. “I mean... I love kids, and I want to be a dad... Wife... Maybe a white picket fence...” I looked up at him and grinned. “Not quite the surroundings but... You know...” I shrugged. “But hey, even with magic, trans-species breeding is probably a bit risky so... No. Not for a while.”
Smokestack nodded. “Glad to hear it. Smaller hands will be better for machine maintenance.”
“I’m not raising you a workforce, Smokestack,” I said dryly.
“Never said you were,” he replied as he trotted over to a worksheet. “But given you ain’t exactly mechanically inclined yourself, teaching your little ones how to properly build things would be good. I’m always thinking about the future.”
“Hey, I’m not that bad,” I said defensively.
“When it comes to wood, sure,” Smokestack said. “Or normal tools and chores. But building...”
“I did alright with those guns I made!”
“The one that blew up in your hand, or the one that also blew up in your hand?” Smokestack asked dryly, not looking at me as he made a note with a pen between his teeth. I could still hear the sarcasm dripping from the comment, and I coughed.
“... I am very, very lucky to have you and the Cutie Mark Crusaders,” I finally admitted. Smokestack nodded at that, and turned from his book to smile at me.
“Don’t you forget it,” he said. “Wouldn’t want your foals to have single mothers. That’d make you a bum, and I don’t work with bums.”
“Understood,” I said with a smile.
- - - - - -
“Honestly Andrew, you’re being so stubborn!” Twilight insisted at breakfast the next morning. I shook my head and drank my coffee.
“I don’t see how... I’m going out alone and I’m marking out the house. Myself.”
“Without me? Why?” Twilight asked. “I mean, I drew up all the plans-You really should have me along-!”
“And the plans are fine,” I said. “But I want to just appreciate my home by myself, you know? Get a feel for the place.”
“Wanting to be alone, huh?” Spike asked dryly at the oven. He looked over his shoulder with a raised... Scaly brow, I guess. “Why would you want to leave all this behind?”
All our gazes turned to Chrysalis. The Bug Queen was sipping coffee and scowling at us all.
“What?” She asked. “You act as though I’ve said something inappropriate!”
“Can you imagine what I sensed when you saw Rarity bent over eating those strawberries and-”
“WITCH!” Spike snarled, breathing fire-Quite literally. Twilight and I barely avoided the tongue of flame that flew over the table. Chrysalis smirked and let loose a blast of magic which Spike dodged. Twilight and I yelped and sought cover under the table as the two fought furiously.
“Yeah... I think my mind is made up,” I said. Twilight scowled.
“You’d leave me here? Alone?!”
“You don’t have to stay here either,” I pointed out. Twilight gasped.
“I can’t just abandon my library! My precious books!”
“Oh relax,” I said with a smile as I brushed my fingers through her mane. She blushed. “With what you would do to them if they even damaged any of those books? They’ll keep away.”
Twilight sighs. “You seem to overestimate my imagination for brutality and sadism.”
“No. No, I don’t,” I said with a deadpan stare. Twilight turned bright red. I rolled out from under the table, and dove out the window. I rolled on the grass, and slowly rose to my feet. I tugged my jacket back into place and grinned.
“About time innuendo started working for me,” I said as I headed off.
- - - - - -
I walked out to the site where I was going to build my house. It was a brisk walk along the western border of Sweet Apple Acres, set on a hill overlooking a nearby river. There was even a little tree to provide shade atop the hill, and in the distance the trees of the Everfree Forest formed a natural border. I sat down and looked upon the land with a smile, and just closed my eyes. I took in the smell of the grass and flowers, the blowing breeze...
The smell of musky fur. I scowled and opened my eyes. I looked down the hill and saw my Manticore, Chewie, huffing down below.
“Well well... Where have you been?” I asked. The large predator huffed. I laughed a bit. “Oh? Out to the mountains? Why did you go there?”
Chewie growled something and I frowned. “Picking up something for me? Why?”
He hissed, and then bore his teeth. I sighed.
“Oh come on! You want to fight now?”
Chewie rumbled and growled. I threw up my hands.
“I am not going to go soft just because you aren’t ambushing me every five minutes!”
Chewie snarled. I glared back.
”I don’t even have any weapons! It wouldn’t be fair!”
The manticore growled, and rummaged in the back of it’s mighty mane. It produced something shiny and metallic, and tossed it to me. It fell with a thump on the grass, and I blinked. I reached down and took up the sword I’d gotten from Smokestack for the adventure with the Dragon migration...
And lost in the same adventure. I took it up and blinked.
“Where’d you find it?”
Chewie growled an explanation. It was hard to summarize, but basically he had trooped through the forest, following only my scent to locate it. He had thought I had gotten banished (again) and was going to rescue me.
I blinked, and ran my hand over the sword.
“I... Thanks,” I said. Chewie growled a question. I sighed.
“All right, all right, I’ll fight,” I said. “Just so you know, I’m not much with this-!” I was cut off by the fact the manticore was charging me. I threw myself to the side in a roll and threw myself back up to my feet, gritting my teeth against the pain from my still sore shoulder. Chewie roared in challenge, and flung himself at me. I stumbled backwards, one of his claws grazing my shin.
“AH!” I yelped. His next slash I greeted with a swing of my sword, and he reared back with a bellow of pain. I gritted my teeth against the pain and the feeling of wet blood dripping down my ankle. I snarled back in response as he charged again.
“YAH!” I shouted, swinging my sword in a circle in front of me. Chewie reared back, and began to circle me, his teeth shining as he sought a weakness. My eyes stayed on his, trying to anticipate his next move. I paused to wipe my brow of sweat, and he lunged with teeth snapping!
I threw myself to the side, and with a roar of genuine anger I thrust the sword for his face! The Manticore caught the blade between his teeth, and pulled. I was yanked off my feet as I tried to hold onto the sword. My knees were ripped by stones on the ground, and I fell onto my back. Chewie raised up a claw, and brought it down. I held the sword up as a shield, and immediately regretted it-Chewie pinned me underneath his paw, forcing the sword down onto my chest. I gasped for breath and kicked furiously, trying to get free. Chewie roared in my face, and he brought his other paw down on my face.
Without any better ideas, I bit down on his furry paw as hard as I could, and used his recoil of pain to roll out from under him. I struggled back to my feet, and had just made it to all fours when the back of his paw struck me. I was sent tumbling over the grassy ground, and my sword slipped free. I looked up and Chewie was gearing up for a pounce. My sword was a meter away. I dove for it as the Manticore leaped, and rolled onto my back. His great mass fell upon me, and I thrust the sword up against his chest with a scream of rage!
“RAWRRRR!” I shrieked. Chewie roared back, and sprung off me. He held his paw against the wound, and I sat up as I gasped desperately for breath.
“Haa... Haa... Haa... Haa...!”
We stared at one another, measuring each other. Chewie then huffed, and shook his great head. He chortled deeply. I glared back.
“Wh... What’s... So funny...?”
Chewie responded with a growl. I shook my head.
“You... Are a bastard,” I grunted. Chewie gave me a quizzical look. “Oh nevermind... Look, satisfied for the moment that I’m still a worthy opponent?”
Chewie nodded. I glared back furiously.
“Then get out of here, before I decide I’ll need a new rug for my home!”
Chewie growled questioningly. I rolled my eyes in disbelief.
“Yes, yes... Here! I’m building it here!”
A manticore’s smile is the stuff of nightmares. I immediately resolved that the first thing to go up around my house would be a fence. With pikes.
Chewie nodded and coughed. He huffed, and turned to fly off. I watched him go, sword held at the ready. When he was gone, and I waited a bit longer to make sure he wasn’t just letting me drop my guard for an ambush... I laid back and groaned, holding my leg.
“Damn damn damn damn,” I muttered. “Damn...!”
Yeah, so much for my peaceful morning enjoying the fact I was now a landholder. This was going to be tricky...
- - - - -
I awoke in darkness... And discomfort. Also a vague feeling of light headedness...
"... Am I dead?" I mumbled. "I didn't think it would hurt so much..."
Great. I was dead, and it hurt, and it was dark and... Nope, that was about it. I mean, yeah, being a Christian I believe in a Heaven. And so far, I was a bit disappointed. Maybe I was just in the waiting room...?
Or maybe I was in Hell. Waiting rooms sound more like Hell. What, was it the fornication with alien ponies? I thought that saving the world of alien ponies and being a good guy would get me in! Maybe I should have married them first? Damn damn damn...
A door opened and I shut my eyes with a grimace. I head hooves clopping over to somewhere nearby... And blinds were yanked open. I groaned, and lowered my hand from my eyes. I met blue eyes in a white, disapproving face.
Ah. I wasn’t in Heaven, or Hell. I was someplace worse.
“Dante should have written about you, Nurse Redheart,” I said dryly. The nurse huffed.
“I’d take that as a compliment, but I get the feeling it wasn’t meant as such,” she said.
“So, who brought me in?” I asked.
“The manticore,” Redheart growled. I blinked.
“So... He didn’t eat me?” Huh! Score one for honor! Guess I’d chosen Chewie’s nickname well.
“No,” Redheart said flatly. “Broken ribs, fractured shin, severe blood loss, sprained wrists-What were you doing with that monster?!”
“Warrior stuff,” I said. “Alpha male kind of junk... Don’t you get that on this planet?”
“More than I’d like to admit...” She grumbled.
“So, how long do I have to be here?” I asked.
“A week, unfortunately,” Nurse Redheart said. I balked.
“A week?!”
“Your shin is literally broken in three places!” Redheart snarled.
Huh. I didn’t feel like my leg was broken... Or my ribs... Though the casts may have given it away.
“The reason you don’t feel any pain is thanks to a new pain suppressing potion I injected,” she explained. “If it was a spell, I’d be tempted to turn it off!”
“What happened to ‘do no harm’?” I asked dryly.
“You seem to enjoy pain,” Redheart said with a glare. “So no, I’m not giving you the satisfaction! If you want to get eaten by a manticore, go right ahead!”
“Ah... But I didn’t,” I said with a grin.
She trotted over to the door and smirked. “But you’re going to wish he did...”
“Bah,” I said with a defiant grin. “I’ll have you know my marefriends are utterly understanding when it comes to my grievous injuries and how I pick them up...”
- - - - - -
“ANDREW EUGENE SHEPHERD!”
I winced. Why, why, why did I tell her my middle name? I tried very manfully not to cower behind my bedsheets as Twilight glared at me with the full force of her rage burning in her eyes. It was really quite a sight to behold... From a different angle.
“I can’t believe you! What were you thinking, taking on that manticore-”
“Chewie,” I said. Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Chewie all by yourself?!” Twilight turned and glared at Fluttershy, who seemed to be in a particularly dreamy mood. The pink haired mare started, and coughed.
“What?” She asked.
“You know the manticore! Why can’t you tell him to knock it off?!” She demanded. Fluttershy awkwardly kicked her hooves.
“Um... Well... Chewie is very proud of the fact that Andrew the Human is his mortal rival.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“And he did respect Andrew enough to come to his aid-”
“Our aid,” I added. Fluttershy nodded. Twilight glared. Fluttershy coughed, but continued.
“And he could not hold back, or it would dishonor them both,” she said. Twilight scowled and stomped her hooves.
“Couldn’t he hold back a little?!” Twilight demanded.
“You act like I intentionally go out and fight him,” I stated. “For kicks!”
“You did seem to let out a scream of... Er... What did he say... ‘Warrior Blood Lust’?” Fluttershy said. Twilight rolled her eyes.
“You were the one who carried a gun around at all times!” Twilight said angrily. “Now you’re suddenly fine with the Manticore-”
“Chewie,” Fluttershy reminded her.
“Chewie,” Twilight growled. “Hunting you all the time?!”
“I’m not fine with it, but I kind of owed him!” I said. “I had to! It was a matter of honor!”
Or something like that. It was weird that in a female dominated world and society, I was becoming more of a man's man.
... Well okay, it wasn't that weird. It was me.
“But you can’t just go around doing that sort of thing any more,” Fluttershy said with sudden sternness. “Not with your responsibilities.”
I blinked at Fluttershy. Twilight sighed. I decided to change the subject.
“Well, I guess this will put the building of the house behind schedule,” I sighed. Twilight smiled.
“You know, “ she said, “we could just build it for you?”
“What?” I gawked. “Oh come on!”
“Is this another stupid macho human thing?” Twilight asked in a less than impressed voice. I shook my head.
“No, but I am a handyman! I should at least help!”
“And you got put in the hospital helping to save the world,” Twilight snorted. My purple marefriend shook her head. “Just take it easy and heal!”
“I can at least just go and watch-!” I tried to protest, but my eyes met Fluttershy’s. Which was a mistake. I forgot to mention, but Fluttershy apparently has some kind of Mental Domination Stare or Jedi Mind Trick thing. When you look into her eyes, she can sap away your very will to resist.
Which has been... Not entirely unpleasant but it depends on the situation and I’m really not going to talk about this anymore.
“Please Andrew,” Fluttershy said, laying a hoof over my hand. “Please? Let us do this nice thing for you? Let your pride go?”
“I... It...” I sighed and closed my eyes. “...” I quickly nodded.
“What was that?” Twilight asked, and I could hear her smug. I sighed again.
“Fine,” I said. “Build my house... Please.”
“You won’t regret it!” Twilight said brightly. “Come on Fluttershy!”
I opened my eyes long enough to see Twilight drag Fluttershy out. I sighed and leaned back in the hospital bed.
I wasn’t feeling an ominous sense of doom. I wasn’t. But just in case, I asked Nurse Redheart to get my journal to my marefriends so they could record what happened.
I had the feeling I would need a laugh by the time I got out of here...
- - - - -
Just before I went to sleep that night, I received a most unwelcome visitor: Chrysalis, grinning at me with her long fangs as she sauntered into the hospital room. I finished my Jell-O and scowled at her fiercely.
“I’m told this is where you end up quite frequently,” she chuckled.
“Well gee, we can’t all have freaky super alien healing powers now can we?” I asked flatly. Chrysalis shook her head, and examined my chart speculatively before looking up at me.
“I came because I wanted to ask you to do me a favor,” she said.
“And so you start out by condescending to me,” I said dryly. Chrysalis huffed.
“I was making light of a bad situation! Really, why must you be so reactionary? I thought we had our catharsis over me invading your world-”
“We did, you’re still a jerk,” I responded. The Changeling Queen chuckled and glowed green. She rose up, and shifted into a new form. A form that I have to admit made my eyes bug out.
No pun intended. Long legs, perfect skin, curved hips, large breasts (but not too large), and long red hair... My jaw dropped.
“Hwah...?”
“Aw... Come now,” she said with a little grin. “I’m not all bad, am I? This form was particularly useful to me on Earth...”
“And... You got it where?” I asked, my libido immediately crushed. Chrysalis hummed.
“Cindy Sue Rich, actress in 1997’s Playboy’s Cheerleaders,” Chrysalis said. I blushed and she raised an eyebrow. “I take it you are familiar with the material?” She asked with a knowing look.
Damn empathic bug queens!
“... Somewhat,” I said. She scoffed. I glared. “You got another reason for coming or are you just going to torment me some more?”
She raised up a finger. “Well that, and a few other things, but I can torment you a bit longer with something extremely familiar to you from when you first were able to purchase adult material.”
“And I can give the Cutie Mark Crusaders the plans for atomic bombs,” I said angrily. She glared at me.
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Try me,” I said defiantly. Chrysalis sighed, and turned around.
“I shall multi-task, I suppose,” she said. “Children! Come in!”
“Children?” I asked in disbelief. I saw a small, scaly head poke around the corner and stare into the room. The moment I looked at it, it darted back behind the door frame. Chrysalis tutted.
“Come now children, come in. He isn’t going to harm you,” she said, in a disturbingly soothing tone of voice.
Cautiously, a few Changeling fillies trotted into the room. All of them looking at me warily. Chrysalis smiled, and put her hands on her hips. “That’s right, come on in!”
“But... But he might burn us!” Squeaked one of the little Changelings. “With his heat vision!”
“Or crush us with his super strength!” Another whimpered.
I stared at Chrysalis. And for reasons beyond the fact she was still in hot naked human woman form. She shrugged.
“What? I had to tell them bedtime stories when they were incubating-”
“Incubating? Where?!” I demanded. The little Changelings squeaked and hid. At Chrysalis’s frown, I sighed and rubbed my face. “Where?” I asked quietly.
“In Twilight’s basement, of course,” Chrysalis said. “Where else?”
“You mean to tell me that you’re breeding more Changelings?” I asked. Chrysalis huffed, and rolled her eyes.
“I’ve been doing that since I got here! Most of them from the love energy Shining and Cadence produced.”
“So... Why are you showing me these ones?” I asked. Chrysalis grinned unpleasantly.
“Simple,” she said. “These changelings are the result of the love energy I’ve gathered from you, Twilight and Fluttershy!”
I stared, the horrible implications sinking in. “Don’t tell me...”
“Yes,” Chrysalis said cheerfully, “in a way, they are your children as well!”
I very slowly stared at the Changeling fillies. They stared back.
“... Daddy?” One asked. I covered my face with my pillow and groaned.
“... Pffthahahahaha!” Chrysalis cackled. “Oh, your face, ahahahaha!”
I lowered the pillow, glaring with every ounce of hatred I could muster.
“... This was a prank?” I growled. The fillies all cowered, but Chrysalis remained smug... And naked, and human, and hot.
“Of course! That, and I just wanted you to know they’d be around from now on,” she explained.
“And when are you going to tell Twilight?” I asked. Chrysalis shrugged.
“Eh, when I get around to it... But I told you first because the expression on your face? Totally worth it.” She waved her hand towards the door. “Come along little ones, your father needs his rest!”
They trotted out, all giving me curious looks. I sighed and watched Chrysalis pause at the door.
“And besides,” she added, looking at me over her shoulder with an almost sad smile, “in a way, we are the two people who can relate the most on this world. We’re both aliens, aren’t we?”
I opened my mouth to protest... And blew out a breath in resignation.
“Yeah... Yeah, I guess we are,” I said. Chrysalis smiled.
“So I decided I’d give you a nice little treat,” she said, turning around and pressing her back against the wall. She arched her back and moaned provocatively, and I covered my face with the pillow again.
“DAMNIT BUG QUEEN!” I shouted. “STOP THAT!”
“What?” She asked. “I’m treating you to something from your younger days and using a form I was very fond of on Earth! Is this not part of friendship?”
“Making me die of critical blood loss is not exactly friendship!” I retorted. Chrysalis sighed... And then I felt her brighten.
“Well then, I guess I’ll just have to use this form more often in order to make you appreciate it... And a few more, of course~,” she purred. I lowered my pillow and scowled.
“You are a witch,” I accused. Chrysalis pouted.
“Is that any way to treat someone doing you a favor? Besides...” And here she smirked, “I’ll give your marefriends some practice with their own human forms. A little something for them to... Work on.” She walked out the door with a wave. “Get well soon~!”
I stared after her... And leaned back in the bed with a groan.
Okay, so the hospital wasn’t Heaven, nor Hell. It was Purgatory. Because clearly, I was going to have my choice of Heaven and Hell when I got out...
- - - - - - -
OMAKE:
Now, ever since I came to Equestria I've had to learn how to relax. To take certain things in stride. To accept that the universe does in fact have worlds ruled over by magic talking ponies.
Magic talking ponies I am romantically involved with.
I had adjusted to a lack of the Internet. A lack of TV. A lack of video games, and many of the sports, movies and books I was familiar with. I had even adjusted to having to get my own meat on a routine basis. I had adjusted. I was calm and cool and easy going. I wouldn't lose it over just anything.
But. You'd be surprised what you can lose control over.
"What... What is that?" I gasped. Applebloom smiled cheerfully up at me as she balanced a... A... A cheeseburger on the plate atop her head. Dripping with juices, ketchup and mustard, lettuce and tomato and MEAT... Oh my God, BEEF...!
"It's something we cooked out of that human cookbook we found! We made it out of-"
I seized the cheeseburger and devoured it eagerly. Oh the sheer ecstasy, the joy, the wonder, the...
"Mmph...? PFFTWAH!" I spat the entire burger out of my mouth and coughed as something rancid filled my taste buds.
"-all the ingredients! Even the cow!" Applebloom said cheerfully.
"Cow?! Cow what?!" I asked desperately, as I grabbed my pocket knife and desperately scraped my tongue clean. I could taste blood but it was sure as hell better than tasting that!
"Cow meat o' course!" Applebloom said cheerfully. "But we couldn't get a live cow to donate any so we jest dug a dead one up with their permission! Wasn't that nice?"
"And messy!" Scootaloo added.
"Really messy!" Sweetie Belle said, making a face. "But it said to use it so we did! Ah... Andrew? You okay?"
I laid on the ground, coughing and gagging. Applebloom sighed.
"Ah think we need t' take him to the hospital... Again," the Apple filly said miserably.
"Look on the bright side! Maybe we'll get an Ambulance Driver Cutie Mark!" Scootaloo suggested. All three brightened.
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER AMBULANCE DRIVERS! YAAAYYYY!"
Yep. Nothing that would make me lose my cool. After all... By now, I was used to this...
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
If being in a hospital bed brought me one thing, it was boredom. Blissful, non-life threatening boredom. I got to catch up on my reading, I got to look out the window at the beautiful landscape of Equestria, and I didn't have to save the world or fight a giant alien bug queen or a manticore or anything.
It was like a vacation from all my worries. Even Nurse Redheart's usually acidic mood greatly improved as she checked my vitals while I was reading through a relatively recent pony novel.
"So... When the protagonist refers to Tengri Aduu's wings, what is he talking about?" I asked. Redheart was checking my blood pressure, glanced at the novel and hummed.
"I think he's referring to the Maregols, or maybe the Truck peoples. They had a ruler a few thousand years ago named Tengri who they still venerate today as a sky god."
"Kind of a strange reference to make in the middle of the market," I commented wryly. "Then again he just spent the last three pages musing about whatever came into his head. Melons especially, always melons..."
"Not a big fan of stream of consciousness writing, Shepherd?"
I regarded the nurse with a wry expression. "I don't mind it. It's more like, what am I in the mood for? Do I want to just experience a book or read along a narrative? And I guess with my mind wandering all over the place I've got more than enough of that."
"It's a very modernist work," commented Redheart, lifting up a tongue depressor in her teeth. "Stick out your tongue and say ah," she said, without any obvious difficulty in speaking. It wasn't hard to deduce she'd done this a lot.
"Ahhh," I said gamely, my tongue hanging out. Redheart pressed down on my tongue and scrutinized the inside of my mouth. She pulled back and dropped the tongue depressor in the trash, before she wrote out some notes on a clipboard. I stared at her in some disbelief.
"Exactly what is that supposed to prove?"
"To make sure you're not suffering any kind of infection which would make it difficult for you to speak, of course," Redheart said. She shot me a wry expression. "And unfortunately, that is not the case."
"Haha," I returned flatly. I reopened the book to where I had previously reading. "But yeah, now... Now he's back about the melons again and I can't figure out why. Every time a mare's come up, melons. Every time his wife's infidelity comes up, melons. Every time-"
"He's talking about teats, Andrew," Redheart said as she was rummaging around in her medical bag. My eyes bugged out.
"Wait what?!"
"It's a fetish among a small percentage of the population to greatly admire the teats of a mare," Redheart went on. "Most are drawn to flanks, buttocks, legs, but there are those who find the teats very attractive. Back then it was seen as extremely shameful." She looked up with a wry expression. Despite my shock, I was able to make the obvious connection.
"So he's being consumed by what he feels are illicit desires, and the more his life sucks the more he thinks about... Teats?"
Redheart smiled. "Very good, Mr. Shepherd. You would do well in a beginner's literary analysis class. I had that book for it."
"Did you like it?" I asked. Redheart smiled thinly.
"No, but my professor spent the rest of the class telling me why I should."
I laughed. "Okay, so that's another thing common between our worlds. My professor did the same thing when I disagreed with him about Catcher in the Rye."
Redheart laughed back. "Sounds... Interesting?"
"It really isn't," I said. "It's about a man in college who cannot grow up, no matter what he tries. That which is considered grown up by him or by the world as he sees it. He's obsessed with 'phonies', people who don't live up to their own standards yet having almost none of his own. And by the end he has a nervous breakdown and ends up in psychiatric care."
"And... Then there is resolution?" Redheart asked. I frowned and shook my head.
"Not really..."
"Huh! That's strange," Redheart commented. I frowned back.
"What's strange?"
"Well, in most Pony literature there is a conclusion of some sort," Redheart explained. "Like, even if you don't finish a journey there is a conclusion to be made about it."
"Isn't the point of a book to let you come up with the conclusion?" I asked. Redheart smiled.
"Well, of course! But it is more often that you are expected to either agree or disagree with the conclusion drawn by the character."
"That sounds kind of weird," I said. Redheart shook her head.
"It's mainly influenced by this modernist interpretation of writing that arose about the time that book of yours was written - That all stories must have some kind of conclusion that you can either agree or disagree with for it to be true art."
"So," I said as I raised the book up, "does this have a conclusion?"
"Yes... And no... And maybe," Redheart said with a huff. "That's why I didn't much care for it. The conclusion, if any, is ambiguous and might have happened back in the middle of the book. So the rest of it was just anything else he could think of."
I laughed again, leaning back in my bed. "Man..."
"Though, since we were on the subject of teats-"
"I wasn't," I said quickly. Redheart rolled her eyes, and sat up on the bed. She rested her hooves gently on my thigh and looked into my eyes.
"Miss Fluttershy and Miss Sparkle have both inquired about prenatal care and pregnancy," she said. She looked at me intently. "Would you like me to run some medical tests?"
"Er..." I coughed. "Well... Um... I'm not sure what you'd be looking for... I-I presume that any... Problems would be solved with magic-"
"You can't rely on magic for everything," Redheart admonished. "You're bringing new life into the world! You should have all the facts!"
"I-I didn't know-I mean I would, someday, but not right-!" I stuttered. Redheart scowled.
"In the story you spoke of, Catcher in the Rye, about the man not being willing to grow up... How would he respond to such a request?"
I imagined Holden Caulfield's response fairly easily. I also imagined punching the whiny bitch in the face. I sighed.
"All right," I said. I held out an arm. "Test away."
Redheart smiled and nodded. "Good..." She trotted out the door. I frowned as I watched her go, confused.
My confusion ended as some kind of contraption with numerous mechanical arms was trundled in. And each arm held a syringe. A unicorn doctor was with Nurse Redheart, and both were smiling. Obviously, I was not.
"Now wait a second, wait a second-!" I gasped, my back against the wall. The doctor chuckled as Redheart pushed the metallic, needle laden kraken towards me.
"This won't hurt a bit, Mr. Shepherd," the doctor said. I held up my hands and winced as the huge thing loomed over me. I was in no position to flee, no condition to fight, but that thing was just... Just...!
"Ow!" I looked over to the doctor, who had a single, tiny syringe in my vein. He drew my blood, then pulled out the needle. I felt the tingle of unicorn magic as he cleaned it off and bandaged the small puncture wound.
"All done!" He said brightly. "Thank you Nurse Redheart."
"My pleasure, Doctor Barn," Redheart replied as the good doctor trotted out. She looked to me with a smile. "You all right?"
"... Do you use that thing on... All your patients?" I asked flatly, glaring at the needle laden monstrosity. Redheart shook her head.
"Of course not! But a surge in adrenaline increases your blood pressure and allows us to more easily see your veins. You are an alien, after all," she admonished. I sighed, sinking back in the cot.
"Right..."
"And it can be useful for dealing with far more stubborn patients," Redheart said. She looked at me with a wry grin as she patted the monstrosity. "You might say you... Inspired me."
"Oh, ha ha ha," I said flatly. "Aren't you a regular Nurse Rachet."
"Not a compliment from your world, I take it?"
"Not. Even. Close."
- - - - - -
I had to admit, I thought hard and long about the implications of what Nurse Redheart told me. I mean, I had been thinking a lot about it since I ended up in a relationship with two mares. Hell I’d been thinking about it since a little girl kissed me on my cheek when I was seven.
Children. Did I want to be a dad? A father? Bring new life into the world and try to raise it properly?
“Heeyyyy Andrew!”
“GAH!” I nearly fell out of the hospital bed, before pink hooves restrained me. I looked up into the grinning face of Pinkie Pie, and sighed. “Pinkie Pie...” I held a hand over my chest to try and still my beating heart.
Okay, I know it wouldn’t actually do that but it was somehow reassuring to know it was still in there.
“Ooh, did I surprise you?” The pink mare asked with a bright grin. “I think I did, you acted surprised, were you surprised? I hope you were!”
“Pinkie! I’m already in the freaking hospital bed, do you want to put me in the morgue next?” I snapped. Pinkie’s grin turned into a deep frown, and her ears drooped.
“No,” she sniffed sullenly. I felt a bit remorseful about the tone I’d used... Damn her eyes. I sighed, reached out and rubbed the top of her head.
“Sorry,” I said. “Just... Kind of got hit with something big today.”
“Like what?” Pinkie asked. She gasped. “Is it like the big thing about Fluttershy and Twilight I have to tell you? Ah! Or is your human girlfriend going to come through a dimensional portal and try to carry you back to Earth for being a mare’s man?!”
I stared at her. She continued on, speaking in her own little world. Frankly, it was the best kind of strategy with a mare like Pinkie Pie. It made her more coherent later on.
“... then she’ll want to fight over you and that might be entertaining with chocolate frosting ooh I love chocolate frosting...”
I waited longer. She was now staring out the window, hooves waving about frantically. She didn’t even pause for breath. I wondered how the hell she kept finding more oxygen for her lungs.
“... then the Princess will declare ‘Thus far and no further and’...” She looked back at me, and smiled. “Oh! What were you hit with today? I almost completely forgot!” Pinkie Pie giggled.
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “Twilight and Fluttershy are looking into... Pregnancy issues,” I admitted quietly. Pinkie gasped happily, and I was immediately engulfed in a tight hug. “URK!”
“YAY! YIPPIE SKIPPY DA LOO!” She cheered. “I’m going to hold a new baby party right now, they call it a shower but I don’t get it there’s never a shower and-”
“PINKIE PIE!”
The pink mare coughed and released me. “Yes?”
I grimaced, rubbing my still sore ribs. “I’m... Not sure if I want to be a dad.”
Pinkie hummed, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. She looked at me with a disturbingly intense expression in her eyes. As though she was peering into my soul.
“... Well, why aren’t you sure?” She asked. “I mean, what were boundaries to having kids in your world?”
I leaned back on my pillow and thought about it. “Financial reasons, I suppose,” I admitted. “Not sure if you could make enough money to have kids, to support them and so on.”
“That a problem here?” Pinkie asked. I frowned thoughtfully at the ceiling.
“I guess not...”
“Do you love Twilight and Fluttershy?” Pinkie asked. I looked at her sharply, jaw dropped.
“Buh-?! Of course I do!” I said angrily. Pinkie grinned.
“How do you love them, hmmm? How am I supposed to quantify it? I’m not Cadence, right? So tell me, what is love?”
“I... I fought to the gates of Tartarus for Twilight!” I defended myself. “I fought Chrysalis for them! I freaking went up against dragons for them with a sword!”
“And living with them?” Pinkie asked coyly. I threw up my hands.
“I... I love to live with them!”
“Well talk about it, what do you love?” Pinkie asked. “How do you live?”
“I don’t see how-”
“How? How? How? How? How? How? How?” Pinkie asked, bouncing up and down. I groaned, considered ringing the nurse... But then I’d have to deal with Redheart’s snark.
“Fine, fine! I...” I looked down at the blanket, feeling a bit embarrassed. “I love how Twilight can obsess over everything but cares enough to do things right... How Fluttershy can be so insecure, but so brave... How even if Twilight doesn’t care for Fluttershy in the same way, she still loves her enough to agree to us living together...” I shook my head and huffed. “Don’t ask me to explain how that works... But we do.”
“Okay, so you love them too,” Pinkie Pie said, producing a chalkboard and scribbling down some notes. They were “Finances” and “Love” and she checked them both. She looked back at me, now wearing glasses. “What are the other problems?”
“... Where did you get that stuff?” I asked.
“From the store!”
“No, I mean, just now.”
“Right here!” Pinkie answered guilelessly.
“... Doesn’t that seem unusual to you?” I asked.
“Why?” Pinkie asked in curiosity.
“... Nevermind,” I mumbled. “Right... Well... If the child is going to be viable, since ya know, we’re different species...”
Pinkie wrote “Compatibility of Genomes” but ran out of room and had to write the last bit in really small letters. She marked it with a question sign.
“Okay, that’s a good thing to consider a problem!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Anything else?” I frowned.
“Is it because you’re afraid?” Pinkie asked. I looked at her. She continued. “That you’ll be a bad father?”
“I... Yeah, that’s part of it,” I admitted. She scribbled that down too and frankly I wasn’t quite sure when this had stopped being Pinkie playing around and when it was Pinkie giving me a therapy session.
Given Pinkie, it was probably one and the same to her.
“Was your dad a bad father?” She asked. I shook my head vehemently.
“No!”
“Your mom a bad mother?”
“No!” I added. She scribbled that down and looked at me over her glasses.
“Sure? You’re a little defensive-”
“I’m not defensive!” I shouted. Pinkie stared. I rubbed my temples and breathed in and out.
Pinkie crawled up onto the bed with me, and straddled me. She looked intently into my face with compassion. I was a bit concerned with our uncomfortable position. What would anypony think if they saw us like this?
“Probably about the same they do now - That you are a hedonistic human who is ravishing all us mares every day, even when badly injured because you went and played with a manticore,” Pinkie said seriously.
"And… Do you think that?" I asked.
“I kind of want it to be so, heeheehee!” Pinkie giggled. “Maybe some other time! But seriously, what else is holding you back?”
“... Earth,” I finally decided. Pinkie started at me.
“Earth? What’s Earth got to do with it? Are you engaged to your own planet?”
“No,” I said, a bit cross. “I just... I wanted to...”
“What?”
I didn’t really want to tell Pinkie Pie.
“Do you want to tell anypony?” She spoke, as though reading my thoughts.
Of course I didn’t.
“Don’t you think it’s something that Twilight and/or Fluttershy should know?”
"… Probably."
“Damn your innate manly sense of honor!” Pinkie said.
"No kidding," I muttered. It was like she was peering into my mind.
And if a pink pony peering into your mind doesn't frighten you, what will?
“Although it is attractive, I’ll probably wait for Fluttershy’s permission to do anything with you,” Pinkie said seriously. “Especially if you have this hanging over your head.”
"Why do you keep bringing that up?"
“Because silly, every mare has to hit on you! It’s like a running gag!”
“... You do realize this is real life, right?” I asked Pinkie. The pink mare giggled.
“Yeah, but that’s the best show of all, isn’t it?”
“I suppose,” I said.
“So, what is it about Earth that holds you back?” Pinkie asked.
I rubbed my face. “I... I should tell them, really. They deserve to hear it.”
“Oh?” Pinkie asked with a frown. I smiled at her, and rubbed her head.
“You’ve helped me talk it out, Pinkie, and I thank you but they need to hear it.”
“Hmmm...” PInkie tapped her chin with her hoof. “Well, I suppose so... Especially given what they’re doing with the house they’re building for you!”
I felt a tiny bit of nervousness. “... What are they doing with the house?”
“Oh, lots of things, but they promised I couldn’t tell!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “But since we kind of talked about it anyway I’m sure you can figure it out!”
“Did they make you Pinkie Promise?” I asked, knowing the answer. She nodded.
“Yep! But you can figure it out on your own without me breaking it.”
“Since when do you accept loopholes?” I asked.
“Since that thing with Applejack,” she admitted. “Now then... I’m off to buy baby clothes!” She hopped out the window, leaving me gaping.
“Wait... What?!” I shouted. I tried to hobble towards the window, and I clutched at my side. I made it to the frame and leaned out it. “PINKIE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?! PINKIE!”
But the pink pony was long gone... And a stern nurse was waiting to escort me back to my bed.
And as I sat in my bed, thinking over everything... I really could only come to one conclusion:
I had to talk to Twilight and Fluttershy now before things got out of hand... If they weren’t already.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
I peeked out the hospital door, slowly scanning back and forth. I held my side, focusing on anything other than my aches and pains. I had to get out, had to get home... Whatever kind of home that might be. I had visions of the Changelings building me a hive. Or Twilight making something obsessive compulsive inspired. Or Fluttershy making me a tree...
Actually maybe that wouldn't be too bad. But Chewy could get the jump on me from above, like he had that one time he invaded the library.
The coast was clear, so I began limping out. I leaned against a nearby wall, and grunted.
"Oh man... It feels like I haven't moved in months," I muttered. I heard hoof clopping and I grimaced. I limped as fast as I could to the nearest door, and slid in. I pressed my back against the wall and slowed my breathing. The clopping went past, and I smiled.
"Heheheh... Sucker," I muttered. I looked out the door... And frowned as I saw that Nurse Redheart was standing guard just outside my door. "Aw man..."
"It's like she expects you to try to escape," said the room's patient. I looked back and saw an older mare with a curly magenta mane. I held my finger to my lips.
"Shhh," I hissed. "You want me to be caught?"
"Well," the mare said with a sensual smile, "you could always... Convince me to keep quiet. Though I might make some noise."
I stared in silence at her. I then looked to the door, back to her... And finally my gaze rested on the window. I limped over and looked out the window. I looked back.
"What kind of tree is that?" I asked.
"Oak," the magenta mare said. "Probably very uncomfortable to land in-"
"I'll take it!" I said, gripping the windowsill and slowly sliding down. I held onto the sill and measured the distance carefully. I took a few deep breaths.
Now let's think about this logically, I thought. Is it really worth risking myself to make sure my house isn't built by a mix of my marefriends, an alien queen who likes to screw human beings over, and Pinkie Pie?
I thought about it some more... And let go. I landed on a bushy branch, and gripped it. I hung from it, and pain jabbed in between my shoulderblades.
"Gah!" I groaned. "Okay... This is making me rethink this... A lot...!" I bit down on my lower lip, and looked to the nearest branches. I shuffled along the branch, ignoring the leaves scraping against my skin. I gripped the trunk, and very slowly I slid down. Gritting my teeth the whole way down.
"Nngh... Grar... Argh... Ow, ow, ow..." I muttered. "Owww...!"
"Ahem," went Nurse Redheart. I looked over my shoulder. The white pony was standing there, tapping the ground with her hoof with a disapproving scowl. I smiled despite my intense wince.
"Ah... Would you believe I'm just going out for some fresh air?" I asked.
"Maybe, if I was drunk," Redheart said. "Besides, Berry Punch ratted you out. She didn't take you turning her down very well." She sighed. "She never does..."
"I see," I sighed. "It was for a good cause though! I want to avoid my house becoming a horrific maze of alien sadism and cruelty!"
"So rent an apartment," Nurse Redheart said dismissively. "Come on, let's go!"
"Oh, fine," I sighed. I slid down to the ground on unsteady legs. "Can I at least have Jell-O?"
"Yes," Nurse Redheart said with a smile. "It'll even be the blue raspberry kind."
"Ooh, that's great," I said cheerfully. "That'll be-"
"RAWWWWRRRRR!" And I was suddenly thankful I had gone to the bathroom before my escape attempt, as the familiar form of my Manticore flew down. Nurse Redheart shrieked as I was gathered up in large claws, and I was pulled up into a stinky, furry embrace.
"Bwah? Chewy?!" I gasped. "CHEWY PUT ME DOWN! HEY! LET GO!"
The manticore ignored me, and I was soon going for a ride through the sky, the nurse's cries fading behind us as we flew for the mountains in the distance.
- - - - - -
"CHEWY! CHEWY!" I shouted over the wind caused by the beating of the manticore's wings. It was a loud fwump, fwump, fwump, and frankly I couldn't hear myself screaming at him. "CHEWY! PUT ME THE PUS SPEWING HELL DOWN!"
I shrieked and swung my fists against his furry chest. The manticore didn't seem to notice and he just kept flying on. I looked down and instantly regretted it-I could see the Everfree Forest far below, becoming darker and more threatening in the fading sunlight. I'd already gotten more than enough with it at night. Especially when the only thing I had on was a hospital gown.
"CHEWY! YOU PUS FILLED INFECTED BAG OF NAG DROPPINGS!" I shrieked. Chewy still said nothing, save for a little growl. He brought us down, holding me away from his chest. And wisely, he held me away from his balls.
Yes, I have honor but there is a limit to it. I'm a lying, cheating monkey with a kick ass magic unicorn and that's why I'm alive.
... Okay, the power of love helped.
At last we began to descend, his mighty wings beating faster to compensate. We swooped down into a clearing in the dense forest, and Chewie set me down. I stumbled, but I managed to stay on my feet. I turned around and glared up at Chewie. He came in for a landing, fluttering down like a bat. He kneeled, and growled at me.
"You are a fucking bastard, you know that?" I shouted irritably. "I'm already in enough trouble with Twilight as it is and...!"
A manticore growled. I blinked as Chewie's expression became far more terrible than before. I turned around and saw the source of the noise-Another manticore. Bigger, fiercer looking... And with eyelashes?
"Eh?" I intelligently asked.
Chewie growled something. I looked back at him in utter disbelief.
"You kidnapped me so I could meet your girlfriend?!" I hissed. Chewie growled, and moved onto all fours. He nose bumped me forward. I looked back at the female manticore with a strained smile. The fear was secondary. I was in pretty severe pain from my not entirely healed injuries.
"Ah, hey," I said. "I'm Andrew Shepherd. Chewie's told you about me, I trust?"
The female snarled. I winced and brushed off a bit of saliva from my face.
"That was a yes," I observed wryly. "Well, this has been nice but-"
Chewie made some motions to me, and whimpered. His lady snarled. My jaw dropped.
"You want me to what?! Make her obedient?!"
The female manticore roared. I staggered back, and looked back at Chewie. "What the hell are you-WHAT?!"
Chewie growled, and shrugged. He pointed at me, and hissed something about Twilight and Fluttershy. The gist of it was that he thought that I was in control of my mates and thus he wanted me to control his mate for him. I covered my face with my hand.
"... Really? You really, honestly think I have any control over my women?" I asked in disbelief. Chewie nodded. I sighed, and sat down on the log. I rubbed my temples.
"Look," I said. "Winning your mate isn't about controlling her. You don't just turn her into your slave."
The female manticore nodded. Chewie gaped, and growled in disbelief.
"No no, she's going to do her own thing and you're going to do your thing," I said quickly, hands held up. "The key though is that you've formed a partnership. She gets her way some of the time, you get your way some of the time! It's cooperation!"
Chewie tilted his head with a quizzical expression. He growled a question.
"Well of course I do stupid things! But I do love them," I said. "It doesn't mean you just do nothing though. You stand up to her, but that doesn't mean you own her!"
Chewie snarled, pointing at my house in the distance. At the house I didn't have any say over in the construction of. At the house my marefriends were building for me...
"I ended up out of control because of you, Chewie," I said flatly. "It isn't that compelling an argument." I looked to the female Manticore, who was watching in curiosity. I sighed.
“Look, I know he’s an idiot,” I said. “That’s been established from day one.”
Chewie growled. I held a hand up.
“That said,” I continued, “he is a good guy. He’s my friend, and he can be a moron at times. But give him a second chance… This is his first time.”
Chewie’s jaw dropped, and he growled in embarrassment. The female manticore’s eyebrows rose. She then… Well, purred is too generous a word. Kind of a rumbling grind, really. Chewie’s eyes widened. I smelled musk in the air… And suddenly felt incredibly awkward.
“Well,” I muttered, getting up. “I’ll uh… I’ll leave you two to-BWAH!” I leaped forward, dodging the female manticore as she pounced on Chewie. I looked over in some concern for my manticore. I then blanched, and hobbled away. Chewie yelped for assistance, mewling like a scared cat.
“Yeah buddy, should have thought about that before you dragged me out here in nothing but my hospital gown,” I muttered, shivering against the night.
- - - - - - -
For once, the Everfree Forest was not a horrible death forest. Everything had been driven off by Chewie and his lady friend. At least, that's what I surmised given I was able to stumble through the trees without being attacked.
I did nearly get run over by a Rex, but it was too busy running from the horrific sounds of manticore coitus.
"Gah... Ugh," I muttered. I saw the lights of a house through the trees, and I smiled. I leaned against a large branch I was employing as a walking stick. I didn't know what house it was. For all I knew, it was the cabin of some nefarious witch that would devour me.
That this did not frighten me was probably a good sign of severe blood loss or that I was just used to this kind of thing by now. For a world ruled by cute magic ponies, it was kind of a death trap.
"Argh," I muttered, leaning more heavily on my walking stick. I made it to the grasslands, the moon shining down upon me. I could see the lights shining in the windows more distinctly. They were rectangular and wide, looking out over the Everfree Forest. And judging from the trees, I was on Sweet Apple Acres.
I frowned as I limped across the field. "This looks very familiar... In a... In an utterly unfamiliar sort of way."
I could make out more details of the house as I got closer. The lit windows were in a boxy treehouse. Below it was a brick building, shaped like a ring. There was a door in the middle, and as I stumbled up to it I saw... Something that was surprisingly moving.
"It... Its my size...?" I mumbled. I could hear music inside, and voices, and the laughter of ponies. My hand shook a bit, and I gripped the doorhandle. I pulled it open, just a crack. I leaned over, most of my weight on my walking stick. I peeked inside.
The house inside was rather spartan, but the floor was smooth polished wood. The walls were expertly plastered, and painted in a dizzying rainbow of colors. There were forests and mountains and rivers... And crude paintings of humans. One was being finished up by a certain pink pony, who then filled my vision. I fell back.
"Ack! Pinkie Pie!"
"Hey Andrew! You're alive!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. "That's good! Everypony will be happy!"
"Uh-"
"Especially Fluttershy!" Pinkie Pie grabbed my sleeve by her teeth. She yanked me into the room. She dragged me through the brightly painted walls into the center of the house. "Mmm! Come on!"
"How do you talk with that in your mouth?" I wondered. Pinkie smiled and shrugged her shoulders.
"Mmph hmmph!"
"Oh come on!" I said angrily as I was dragged into the central room. "That's just ridiculous!"
The laughing and partying quieted down as I entered. I saw Twilight Sparkle hunched over a wooden table, maps and hammers scattered all over it. Rainbow Dash was by the record player with a hardhat on her head. Applejack had a paintbrush in her teeth, goggles on her eyes and a banana tied to her back. Rarity had mussed hair and a frilly chainsaw, as well as a scale model of the building we were all in.
"... Seems you guys had an interesting day," I commented.
"ANDREW!" Twilight cried, leaping forward and tackling me to the ground. "Oh you're alive! You're alive!"
"Ow... Ow...!" I groaned.
"Not for long," Applejack commented dryly.
"I was focusing on casting a location spell!" Twilight explained. "But it involved some considerable effort from everyone else... And a few odds and ends..."
"Can I please stop this?" Rarity begged. "My hair is wailing in agony right now!"
"Yes, go," Applejack said. Rarity was gone in a flash, the bathroom door slamming behind her. Dash rolled her eyes.
"She's got such issues... I liked my part in the ritual!" She smacked her hardhat and giggled. "Hey Applejack! Can I keep this hardhat?"
"No," Applejack said flatly.
"Aw come on!" Dash whined.
"No."
I stared at Twilight intently.
"... Dare I ask what Fluttershy was involved in?"
"Well," Twilight murmured, casting her eyes to the side, "she wanted to be alone..." She smiled. "But I think she'll be fine with you interrupting."
I nodded and hobbled after my trotting marefriend. We ducked into a side door and went down a short hallway. We reached a door painted bright blue, with pink butterflies tracing a path from one corner to another. The yellow sun shone above the stylized insects. Twilight knocked on the door.
"Fluttershy! Andrew's here!"
There was a gasp, and the sounds of several things being moved around. Then, the door cracked open. A single blue eye peeked out.
"Oh! Oh, g-good!" Fluttershy cried with a smile. "Come on in! I... I just finished! Almost! G-Give me a second!"
More sounds of movement and work reached our ears. I leaned on my walking stick a bit more heavily. Just to rest, really.
Twilight looked up at me. "You feel any kind of... Dread?"
I smiled back. "Why would I? What could this be? My bedroom? That might be stressful, but..."
Twilight shook her head and scowled. "You've been hanging out with Chrysalis again I see..."
"No, but she did visit me in the hospital," I said. "In the form of a naked woman from my planet."
Twilight scowled. "Again?"
"She did live on my planet... Tried to invade it..." I shrugged. "I have a weird life, but I think I've gotten used to it."
The door opened. Fluttershy, in sexy naked human form, smiled warmly at us from inside the room. The bright blue painted room.
The bright blue painted room with a crib, a changing table, and numerous toys.
The bright blue painted room with a crib, a changing table, numerous toys, and a heart shaped bed?
"Uh... What?" I muttered.
"What?" Twilight muttered as well.
Fluttershy smiled. "Well... Um... You said you wanted to start a family... And Chrysalis suggested that to make things more efficient we start the family in the same room as the nursery..." Her face turned red. "I um, I forgot to mention I made a nursery..."
I stared at her for a very, very long time. Utterly silent.
... Probably a lot longer than I needed to but can you blame me? No! No, you cannot.
- - - - - -
I have a confession to make: When I'm confronted by danger, destruction, possible death? Manly kind of things? I become someone capable of focusing on the most minute details. I can think and plan and make instant decisions under threat of imminent doom. The shy, awkward archaeologist whose last job was charitably called "blue collar" becomes a warrior. Andrew Shepherd, the Last Human. I can live up to that name so long as people (or ponies) I care about are in trouble. I don't always win, but I sure as hell don't stutter, stare or freeze up.
"Andrew...?"
"Andrew!"
I blinked rapidly, and shook out my head. I had developed a headache in the last few seconds, and staring at Fluttershy's human rack was sadly not helping. I looked to Twilight: She was wearing an expression of confusion, anger, hurt...
I looked up at the ceiling. No, no help there. So I fell back on the other stereotype of humans I'd helped bring to Equestria: That we can be a bit slow.
"I'm... Sorry, what?" I asked. Fluttershy frowned.
"You... You know," she began, her wings fluttering in nervousness, "how you wanted to start a family? With me?" She looked to Twilight and smiled. "And Twilight, if you are so inclined?"
"Fl-Fluttershy, I... Andrew...!" Twilight took a moment to collect her thoughts-Far faster than I. "You want to have foals?! Now?!"
"I-" I tried to get out, but Fluttershy cut me off with a smile.
"Y-Yes! Isn't it wonderful, Twilight?" She asked eagerly. "I-I mean, I've always wanted to be a mother-"
"But now?! Why didn't you think to consult with me first?!" Twilight demanded, growing angrier. "Do you really think I-I'd just be okay with it?!"
Fluttershy shied back, a frown marring her pretty face. Her eyes darted to and fro. "I... Andrew was so insistent on it... And it's something I wanted... I-I just thought you'd... You'd be all right..."
"W-Well... Not-Not now!" Twilight exploded. "Not right now! I mean, you're ready to just get-get knocked up right here in his new house and you just assumed I'd be all right with it?!" She turned her furious glare on me, and I shrunk back. "When were you going to tell me?!"
"I... It's kind of complicated," I said, stalling. Twilight growled.
"Summarize," she hissed, her horn glowing with repressed magical power.
Now, I knew Twilight would never seriously hurt me. Intentionally. As in, that being her only intent. But after the kind of day I'd had, I was on the edge. I was just too frightened to think through things. So I blurted it all out.
"I don't want kids, right now, but I told Fluttershy that starting a family was something humans did when they moved out just to make her feel better about me getting my own place," I babbled. There was silence. I looked up to Fluttershy's face, and immediately regretted it. My chest hurt just seeing the shocked and dismayed expression on her face.
"You lied?" She whispered.
"No! No, I-I did not lie!" I tried. "I-I just presented the facts in a certain-Certain way and-!"
"And let her down easy? Make her think you wanted foals? Make me think that, too?!" Twilight demanded. She loomed right over me, and I realized I was on the floor. That pain in my chest was getting worse, and I groaned as I leaned over. "Because I can't believe that you'd really...! Really...! Andrew?"
"Oh... God," I muttered, falling over.
"Andrew! ANDREW!" Twilight shouted.
"I'm... Right... Here," I muttered back, wheezing. I had no idea what was going on, nor why I was blacking out... But I could only imagine Nurse Redheart would have some cutting remarks for me.
Assuming I lived that long. And right now? I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to...
- - - - -
I was no stranger to weird dreams. Whether it's an effect of being exposed to real magic, an alien world, my homeworld being invaded or just the cleaner air; my brain has been on a roll for the strange and bizarre once I fall unconscious.
And given how often that happens, I've almost gotten used to it. Almost.
The roiling, twisting tapestry of Earth spread out underneath me. I could see the Sahara Desert, the great blue of the Atlantic, the frozen upper reaches of Canada and the verdant jungles of the Amazon. I could see my home state of Colorado, with the Rocky Mountains I'd grown up seeing far below. I felt tears come to my eyes, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I was moved by this view.
I reached out to my home... And could not touch it. I scowled and reached out further. Still it eluded me. I waved my arms about but I had no ground to stand on, nothing to kick off of.
"If this is just going to be a bad pun about not having a leg to stand on, I'd like to wake up please," I muttered. A peal of laughter rang out over the Earth, and I looked up. I scowled as Chrysalis floated before me with a smug grin.
"Does your entire race just have to be quippy in times like this?" She asked. "I found I could keep up with a conversation provided I just saw enough of your movies and TV shows..." She then shrugged, "or their IMDB quote pages."
"Are you actually here or are you just here to torment me more?" I asked flatly, crossed my arms over my chest. "Because I'm going to put a quota on it."
"Perhaps I'm here as the Devil to tempt you out of your Eden?" Chrysalis suggested, and now she was in her sexy human woman form. She floated up to me and batted her eyes, quite deliberately pushing her breasts up with her arms. I rolled my eyes... After a good look. Give me a break here, all right?
"All right Lucifer, what are you tempting me with?" I asked. "After all, those aren't exactly real." I reached out and pointed at her boobs. She scowled.
"They're as real as I want them to be, thank you," she hissed. I goggled at her in disbelief.
"Are you actually insecure about your appearance-?"
"No! I can change it at will, why would I have any sort of body image issues?" Chrysalis asked flatly. I stared at her for a bit, and I decided to try a sudden thought that occurred to me.
"Unless you can be insecure about getting the illusion wrong," I surmised, rubbing my chin in an unnecessarily thoughtful fashion. Chrysalis bristled, her eyes glowing green in repressed anger.
"Do you want my help or not?" She snarled. I held my hands up with a disarming smile.
"All right, all right... Help away."
She continued to scowl but she at least no longer had the eyes of doom. She nodded, mollified for the moment, and she cleared her throat.
"Given your species' love of abstract representations of concepts in dreams, it only seems fitting you'd get this sort of imagery," she said, waving a hand over Earth. "And your own particular brand of sadomasochism."
"If you mean I enjoy being tortured by your wonderful company, you're spot on," I snarked right back. Chrysalis shook her head.
"No, no, I mean that you are torturing yourself with this sort of thing," Chrysalis said. I gave her a disbelieving expression.
"What do you mean?"
Chrysalis sighed, and rubbed her forehead. I felt a growl form in my throat.
"Don't act like I'm stupid! I'm not!"
"Just a moment," Chrysalis said. Her aura flared into being around her, and a second later Twilight popped into existence next to me. I started and gaped at her.
"Twilight? How did-?"
"Chrysalis!" Twilight cried. "What the hay are you doing in my coltfriend's head..." Her eyes narrowed. "Dressed like that!"
"I brought you in to help, Friendship Instructor," Chrysalis simpered. "After all, you have some major issues if Shepherd here is running around the forest in a hospital gown-"
"I was kidnapped," I responded in an exasperated tone.
"And you are driving him to faint," Chrysalis pointed to Twilight. She shook her head. "And since time is far more fluid in a dream state, I decided to get this resolved as efficiently as possible. I'll let you resolve things, then bring in the Flutter one. Ta~." And she vanished. Twilight and I looked at each other. Then, away from each other.
"So... That's your home?" Twilight asked. I looked back at my marefriend, as she gazed upon the spinning globe below us. I sighed and nodded.
"Yeah."
"It's beautiful," Twilight said softly. She smiled over at me. "I... I can see why you'd want so badly to get back."
I stared down at Earth, thinking. I worried my lower lip. "I..."
"I mean, your friends, your family," Twilight said. She sighed. "It makes sense why you wouldn't want to... To set down roots here." She looked up at me. "After all, we're aliens..."
"Twilight, that's not true," I protested. I reached out to her, and rested my hand on her head. "Alien is... Is the last thing I'd call you, after so long." I looked deeply into her eyes at this, and was rewarded with just a hint of a blush. "But... There's this feeling I get about Earth. A feeling I've gotten ever since I learned about the Changelings and the war..."
I looked down, away from Twilight's compassionate eyes. She reached out her hoof and lifted my chin up so we once against shared our gaze.
"What?" She asked. I sighed deeply.
"... Shame," I admitted at last. "All my suffering, all my stubbornness, I... I think a lot of it is just because I feel..."
"Guilty?" Twilight pressed. She looked at me with suddenly watery eyes. "Oh Andrew..."
"I can't help thinking maybe, in some way, if I'd been there..." I waved my hand. "I... I might have made a difference. I could have helped." My own eyes were wet, and I tried to look away from Twilight. She wouldn't let me though, and I choked back a sob. "I might have... I-I mean, I don't even know if my family is all right... Or my friends and... And..."
And that was it. The waterworks were finally out. When I cried, I just let go in a huge dam. I bowed my head and wrapped my arms around Twilight's neck, bawling like a baby into her neck. She sniffled and shook in sobs of her own, and her hoof stroked my shoulders.
"Shh... Shh..." Twilight whispered. "It isn't your fault, Andrew... It isn't your burden to carry..."
"I... I know that, I know that... Up here," I got out between sniffles, tapping my head, "but... But here..." I felt her hoof on my heart, and I was wracked with harder sobs. "It... It hurts so much... And..."
"And so you... You punish yourself?" Twilight asked in horrified comprehension. I closed my eyes... And nodded. "Andrew..."
"I-I mean... Part of it... I guess..." I admitted shakily. "And it... It isn't you, but I feel so happy here... I honestly do... And I feel... I feel so guilty about it..."
"Andrew," Twilight said softly. She kissed my cheek, and pushed me back enough to look me in the eyes. Her own were red with tears, but she had a gentle smile on her face. "All this time... I..."
"I wanted to be strong, Twilight," I sniffled. "I... I had to be. I mean... If I was going to be the last human, I... I wanted to be the best human I could be. I wanted to be the best person... A person worthy of you, and Fluttershy... Of-Of everypony." I cried a bit harder. "B-But... But I feel like... Like all I wanted to do was make up for my guilt! My shame! I... I...!"
"You," Twilight said firmly, "you... You are a hero, Andrew. You are a kind, giving person. You have nothing to feel ashamed of."
"But... But my motivations-" I tried, but Twilight shook her head. Tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Motivation? Andrew... Andrew, would you have made all the same decisions you have if you were motivated by... By pure goodness? By pure decency?"
I stared at her. I wiped my nose, and looked down. The Earth still spun below us, as it always did and always would. "I... I think so..."
"Then what matters is what you've done, not what you feel in that... That dark place inside you where your fears lie," Twilight said softly. She kissed me, and nuzzled my cheek. "You've done so much, and mean so much... And yet you still doubt that you're a good person. That... That you deserve to have happiness."
"Well... Back home, I was never..." I sighed. "It's something all humans feel... Maybe something everybody feels, but I felt like... Like I had no future. No purpose. That I needed to be someone, I needed to know that I was... I was worth something."
"You are, Andrew," Twilight insisted. "Why would we go to all this trouble for you? Why would we act so much out of love? Why..." And here her blush returned in full force. "Why would we want to have your children?"
I stared at her in shock. She huffed.
"Don't... Don't act surprised," she said. "I... I see my mother, and Princess Celestia, and how they taught me and raised me and..." And here she smiled. "And I want to be just like them. I want to bring someone up in the world, and give them a wonderful life." She kissed me again, and sighed softly.
"And... And I want you to be the person I choose to do it with me," she said softly. "I would never ask that of anyone I didn't truly want that from."
I was silent for a long time, save for a sniffle or two. I hugged Twilight more tightly, and sighed into her mane. She sighed with me, and I just listened to her heartbeat.
"I... I feel like such an idiot," I admitted softly.
"It's one of your less endearing traits," Twilight responded quietly. "But... The other ones? They more than make up for it."
This time, I kissed her. She hummed against my lips, and I held her more tightly. This miasma, this clenching feeling of doom and despair I'd felt... It was almost all gone. All from the realization I had been incredibly stupid.
I suppose Oscar Wilde was right: Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes.
"Now now," Chrysalis interrupted, "save that for later." and I felt a scowl on my face. It wasn't mine, it was Twilight's. And I shared her expression as we looked up at the Changeling Queen.
"After all," she continued, "you have another mare to apologize to, do you not?"
"You said time was meaningless here," Twilight pointed out. Chrysalis sighed.
"Yes, but I feed much better when your romantic feelings are being expressed in the real world," she said. She coughed. "I mean... Fluttershy is waiting."
"Nice save," Twilight said sarcastically. Chrysalis chuckled.
"You have been learning from him! Good..."
- - - - - -
Twilight and the Earth faded from view, which left me hugging nothing but empty space. I released my arms, and looked up. A white sheetrock wall appeared before me, spreading out like wildfire over dry grass. The sheetrock became hardwood floors, and more walls appeared around me. Furniture, in the form of a white coffee table, an old couch with a southwestern geometric pattern over it, and lamps in each corner of the room all came into being. Paintings done by a local artist my father and mother had known from my elementary school depicted scenes of canyons and rivers and fields we'd run across on family vacations. The sun shone through a broad window onto a tall Christmas tree which was covered in lights, garland, and familiar ornaments. I walked up to the tree, and touched one of the artificial branches. I looked out the window onto a painfully familiar street, and I sucked in a deep breath. All the smells came rushing back: The oil of work boots from my last job on a plastic shoe dock by the front door. A hint of lilac from the plug in air filters my mother loved. The smell of the Christmas ham we cooked every year...
"I'm home," I murmured. I reached out to the wall, for support more than anything else. "Mom? Dad! Ben!" I called. I ran up the stairs to check the bedrooms: Nothing. I went back down, through a kitchen set for dining and a dining room set up for guests with pictures of our vacations on the walls and the family china cabinet standing in austere glory. It all rushed back, it was all just as I'd left it... But nobody was home.
Aside from the one person who shouldn't be there.
"Fluttershy," I said softly. She was still in human form, but no longer naked. Rather, she was clothed in the yellow sweater and green skirt she'd gotten from the human archives in Canterlot. She looked up from the antique tea set on the dining room table, and stared at me in some awkwardness. I averted my eyes for a moment too... But I steeled my courage and looked back. I was pleased to see her matching my gaze, though she was still sad.
It's hard to describe just how sad she looked. Honestly, it may have been my personal bias or the fact we were in a dream state but her beauty... It would break the heart of anyone watching.
"Andrew," she said. She looked around, and smiled. "This is your home?"
"Ah, yes," I said. "I was born on the eastern coast of my country, and we moved out here for my dad's new job when I was five."
She looked over the table and ran her hands over some of the artifacts sitting atop it. She held up a tea cup and studied it, before moving on to an ammonite fossil we'd gotten at a rock shop in Estes Park. She walked around the table, just searching, before she rested her hands on the worn, white covers of the family Bible.
"Bib... Ell?" She read. I smiled.
"Bible," I pronounced properly. "It's the holy book for my religion."
Fluttershy eeped, and drew her hands away. I held my hands up.
"No no! It's fine, go ahead. They've printed like a billion copies at least."
"Oh," Fluttershy said. She opened it, and gingerly flipped through the pages. She stopped at the first few pages in confusion, before she smiled in realization.
"Your family tree?" She asked, pointing to the pen marks and lines that drew out my family. I walked around the table to stand by her, almost touching her. She didn't pull away, but I couldn't put my arm around her shoulders. I instead pointed out the names of my family.
"Yeah, this Bible's been in my family for about four generations. My great grandpa, Homer, bought it back in the 1920s from his boss at a sawmill," I said, pointing out his name. "His son, my grandpa George kept it and gave it to his oldest daughter, my mother, on her wedding day. And she added in my dad's side of the family, too. See? This is my great uncle Andrew, who I'm named for, and my great-great aunt Carolyn, and my great-great-grandfather Eustace..."
My fingers traced the inked lines, as I kept going all over my family history. Fluttershy just watched and listened.
"... My cousins Ricky and Derek, they live in North Carolina. My second cousin Sandra, she became a fashion designer and lives in San Francisco, my uncle Danny, he's a lawyer in Georgia and won a lot of cases against insurance companies back in the day..." I at last found my parents, and I swallowed with a suddenly dry throat. I felt Fluttershy's wing against my shoulders, and I took a deep breath.
"My dad, Doyle, went into the Navy and became a nuclear engineer," I resumed. "My mom was a librarian at the local college. They met at a friend's party, thinking the other was their blind date. Turns out they weren't, but it was perfect timing. They got married a year later, and after that, they had me. Two years later, they had Ben, my brother." I pointed out his name. I chuckled a bit. "We always fought over everything. You name it, we disagreed over it. We even made sure to vote differently when we turned eighteen..." I sighed, and lowered my head. I looked over at Fluttershy, and my jaw dropped. Her eyes were full of tears, even now falling down her cheeks.
"Fluttershy? Oh I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry Fluttershy," I said, hugging her immediately. "Please, don't cry..."
"No, no," she said softly. "I... I'm sorry. I'm just kind of... Confused." She looked up at me, and sniffled. "I mean, I-I was confused, but now I'm not so..." She took a deep breath. "You miss your family dearly."
"I... Yeah, yeah I do," I said with a nod. Fluttershy sniffled.
"And you want them back."
"... I'd love to go home, yeah," I admitted. "See them all again. But you know," and here I tried to smile at her playfully, "you make a very compelling reason for me to stay."
"That's what I was afraid of," Fluttershy admitted with a sigh. I frowned and held her tighter.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... If you do make a life here, with us... With me," she said, "and a family... You wouldn't return to Earth. Not if you had to make the choice." She looked me in the eyes, and I was hit by just how deep her eyes seemed to go. I felt like I was getting lost in them. I worried my lower lip.
"... It would be a tough decision," I admitted. "But I... I couldn't leave you. I couldn't leave our children. What kind of guy would that make me? An irresponsible jerk, that's who."
"And that's what I'm afraid of," Fluttershy said softly. "You having to make that choice, and staying with us, and... And never going home again." She sighed again, and hugged me around my waist. I hugged her back. "How could I live with myself, knowing I made you choose? I'd feel so selfish..." Her eyes went back over the family tree and she bit her lower lip.
"I never had a family like this," she said. "I never had connections like this. My parents were very isolated, very independent... They insisted on having me home schooled, they didn't let me have friends until I went to flight school. I was... I was so alone, and all of this is just..."
"Hey, hey," I said consolingly, rubbing her wings, "Fluttershy, if I do have a family with you, it's cause I want to. And if I get the chance to go back home, I... I'm going to want to stay here. I'm not going to resent you for keeping me here. You make me happy! Twilight makes me happy!"
"And yet... Would one part of you continue to suffer?" She asked. "I mean... Some part of you be unhappy?"
"Hey, I'm almost always unhappy," I said dryly. At her wide eyes I shook my head. "I'm kidding, kidding! But seriously." And here I smiled. "You know, that stuff I said about going out and starting your own family? Your own household? That was true, I wasn't just making it up. And the fact is... I do want to build a life here. Hell, I've helped save this world. Back home I'm just some frequently unemployed archaeologist." I cupped her cheek and smiled warmly. "I'm always going to miss Earth... But I'd miss you more."
Fluttershy's face brightened, like the sun rising. She kissed me, and slammed up against me. Which sent us both falling to the floor.
"Oof!" I grunted. Fluttershy broke the kiss, her cheeks flushed bright red.
"Ah, sorry, I'm so sorry," she said quickly. She kissed me again. "Mmm... So sorry..." She licked my lips. "I'll... I'll make it up to you," she promised in a deeper, more sensual voice. My pupils dilated, especially when she rubbed herself up against me. In terms of build, the best I can do for comparison of Fluttershy would be... Well... Leanna Decker. And trust me, the fact I had not lost my mind over her yet was something of a miracle.
But that voice, combined with that body form, combined with the intimacy of the moment... Well...
Let's just say it was a very, very good dream from then on.
Afterwards, as we lay together on the couch, cuddling, she sighed and nuzzled my neck.
"Mmm," she hummed softly. I played with her hair, letting the pink strands drift over my fingers. I chuckled softly and kissed her forehead.
"Haa... Dream sex is great sex," I decided.
"Mmhm," she purred. "Though... Um... I'm hoping to do it again when we wake up."
"Sure," I said happily.
"I just hope the potions Zecora gave me work," she said.
"Ah... What potions?" I asked. Fluttershy blushed.
"Um... Fertility potions. Adapted for my human form," she said. "I-I mean... She said I'd have to be in this form for at least nine months-"
"Ah," I began, "Fluttershy... About... About starting a family now..."
"Yes?" She asked, smiling radiantly. So kind, so open... So happy. And my words, like a taunting bully, came back to me.
"... Are you completely sure this is what you want?" I decided to ask, stalling a bit. Fluttershy nodded.
"Mm..."
"Being in an alien form for nine months? I mean... Having my baby? Shouldn't we get married first?" I asked. Fluttershy immediately blushed bright red, but she smiled all the more radiantly.
"I... I suppose, if it's what you want, we can," she said softly. "It might be a bit of a scandal, um... But I-I don't mind..."
"Ah... Well..." I scrambled. "Can we at least ask Twilight first?"
"All right," Fluttershy said with a smile. "We can. I'm sure she'll say yes. And then..." And she sighed happily, and nuzzled up against me. "And then~... Ohhh yes." She looked up into my eyes. "If you... If you are all right with it... Dad?"
Maybe I was being foolish. Maybe I was making an impulsive decision. But when you're in love, those kinds of decisions are easy to make.
"Okay," I said. “I’m happy to do it with you… Mom.”
Fluttershy beamed, and hopped up on top of me. "Ah! Fluttershy?" I gasped.
"We-We need to practice, and time is meaningless here," she said. "Right?"
"Ah, I-I guess," I said quickly. "But I thought Chrysalis said..."
"Oh, go on you two," Chrysalis spoke. I started and looked to my right. The bug queen herself was sitting in my dad's easy chair, flipping through the Bible.
"Hey! I thought you fed better when it's real!" I said quickly. Chrysalis smiled.
"I do... But I needed to run some errands while you were out and I let things go on. Besides," and here she smirked as she waved her hand. Twilight appeared, bound, gagged, blushing and wide eyed. "She likes to watch."
"Oh... Oh my," Fluttershy murmured. That said... She didn't stop.
And I was really in no position to stop her, anyway...
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Coming out of a dream as good as that one is really aggravating. I wasn't going to come out of it happy... Well, unless Fluttershy was willing to resume it out here. However, the fact I was suspended from the ceiling probably indicated that wasn't going to happen. I mean... Yet... Shut up.
"Huh?" I asked intelligently, and I immediately struggled. I was stuck in something which felt like a too small sleeping bag... Filled with goo. I looked down, and groaned. I was encased in a cocoon while Fluttershy and Twilight slept on the bed nearby. I then looked up to see Chrysalis, sitting on the floor and reading a book. She looked up and shrugged with her wings.
"Well, let's be honest. You wouldn't have let me do this while you were awake," she said plainly. She smirked. "Not unless I was Twilight or Fluttershy, of course."
"Cocoon? Really? Really?" I hissed. "That's your evil scheme? Leave me in a cocoon?"
"Evil scheme?" Chrysalis asked, confused. Her eyes then narrowed, and I felt like a jerk. "Oh. You mean heal you?" Her voice had gone cold. "Yes, truly I am diabolical if I'm expending precious energy to help you heal faster."
I blinked, and thinned my lips as I felt a bit of guilt.
"No, no, come on Chrysalis, I didn't mean it like that," I said quickly. "That-That was just an instinctive emotional response, really. You can sense it!"
"Yes," the alien queen said in a soft tone, looking at the nearby wall. "I can..."
"And come on. I'm just the... The human," I said with as much of a shrug as I could manage. "Ya know..."
Chrysalis stared at me for a long time. In silence. Clearly she was trying to make this as awkward as possible. I stared back, scowling in challenge.
"You said you'd forgive me," she said at last. "You and your precious God path you follow. Your own sense of right and wrong, all important to you, all signs and remnants of your humanity. A humanity I nearly destroyed, so don't think I don't understand the difficulty." She looked up at me with cold, hurt eyes. "After all... Here you are, a member of the race that wiped out mine. Entirely at my mercy, and I could end it all."
I stared back in silence, grim and thinking. I then sighed.
"Yeah... But you wouldn't," I said. Chrysalis stared back, her eyes darting to the side just for a split second.
"You know that?" She asked in a soft hiss.
"Well, it would be hard to explain, wouldn't it?" I asked. Chrysalis scowled at me, and in a burst of magic I was looking into my own face. I reared back a little as Chrysalis-Me walked up, glaring death at me.
"I could just disguise myself as you. I know your thoughts, your feelings, your mannerisms," she hissed. "I could find out everything else. I do know so much... Just so much..." She looked down. I waited. She sighed, and shook her head. Her shoulders sagged, like mine did when I was practicing an argument in the mirror.
"How ironic," she muttered. "I was the one closest to you apes, who knew you were dangerous. I kept insisting we strike quickly, end it in one blow. The rest of the hive queens preferred to cull our own numbers by making you expend all your weapons-We had trillions, so many to feed, what did they care? It had been so long, and we needed to feed. What could you puny monkeys do to us? We commanded the stars, you had barely begun to scrape at them." She looked up at me again, eyes now filled with... Sorrow? Black humor? Despite the fact she was wearing my face, it was like looking at a stranger.
"For me... It is just as much of a burden, as it is for you," she said softly. "To be the last one. To not know for sure if any one else survived."
I slowly nodded, working my jaw. "Yeah..."
"So," she said, wringing her hands. The action wasn't mine-I wondered if she'd done it as a human back on Earth. If she'd done it to blend in, and then it became real.
"So," I responded. She sighed. I waited. She looked up and shrugged.
"... Arrogance is what got me into this mess in the first place," she said quietly. "What got us all here."
"It doesn't have to be what keeps us going," I replied. She smiled.
"Such an idealist when it suits you," she sighed. "Your race blew mine up."
"Yeah, but we have a lot more than that going for us," I said. "So does yours. You don't just have to be the bad parts of your nature."
She looked at the sleeping Twilight and Fluttershy. She sighed, and rubbed her face. My face. Whatever.
"Would you still think the same thing? Without them here? If we were alone?" She asked. I bowed my head in shame, and I felt her smile. "I see..."
"It's the human condition," I said quickly. "Sometimes we're at our best alone... But we need people to remind us of it. We need contact, good things... Otherwise we just see the bad things. Or if we're in a group of bad, angry people..." I chuckled. "But you knew that."
"I did," she said softly. "I just like hearing you say it... And so you do. Such a bunch of blabbermouths, your race. A saying for every occasion."
"Oh?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "Such as?"
Chrysalis smiled at me.
"I am loath to close. We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature," Chrysalis recited, as though in school. I stared at her, and she raised her brows. "Your 16th president's first inaugural address. Lincoln?"
"Yeah," I said with a nod. "I didn't know that's where that came from."
"I read your books," she said. "So many of them..." She eyed Twilight. "She'd probably go mad over it."
"Yeah, she would," I smiled lovingly at my unicorn. "She would..."
"The cocoon will dissolve in about an hour," she said. "You'll be completely healed." She turned to the door, and I frowned.
"Hey! Hang on a second, where are you going with my face and body?" I demanded. She looked over her shoulder and smiled.
"Well, I do need some love energy. And you do tend to promote it, don't you?" She said, her eyes glowing. "Besides, I've seen their fantasies about two of you," she said with a cock of her head back to my mares. She actually shuddered. "Not tonight, Josephine." She opened the door and headed out, shutting it tight behind her. I sighed.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - -
Back to slice of life shorts. Maybe I can get things back on track this way.
- - - -
So, the aftermath of my little misadventure out of the hospital got me put under house arrest. Nurse Redheart actually petitioned the Princesses to make me stop pushing myself, and for once they responded to her calls.
But, unicorn magic being what it is, I was soon healed and well enough for some limited physical activity.
"Ahhh! Oh God, no! No, don't!" Gasped Queen Chrysalis. Andrew Shepherd cackled.
"Ahahaha! Foolish fool! You will be defeated by my kickass unicorn girlfriend!"
"That's right!" Twilight said, as she slid forward. "Eat my magic blasts! Doom! Doooom!"
"Oh that's cute, having your girlfriend fight for you," Chrysalis said mockingly. "Does she do everything else for you?"
"You're trying to provoke me into fighting you so you can crush me," Shepherd said. "Which is clever, but foolish! For killing me off would only enrage my kickass unicorn girlfriend to... To Super Saiyan levels!"
"I don't know what that is!" Twilight whined.
"I do! Because I just defy all common sense and rules of reality!" Pinkie Pie laughed.
"Oh just marry my brother already, everypony can see it," Applejack scoffed. "Also take out the Bug Queen already Twilight! Or Shepherd, just so we can get onto the freaking selling of my apple treats! Capitalism, hooo!"
"That's my line!" Rarity interjected.
"This has really turned kind of weird, hasn't it? I thought we were in the middle of a battle, not an argument!" Pinkie Pie pointed out.
"Don't point out the plot holes, Pinkie Pie!" Shepherd said flatly. "And how do you do that, anyway?"
"I don't know! Maybe I'm an Eldritch abomination in pony form!" Pinkie giggled.
"Does that come with tentacles? Because I'm all for that, if-if that's okay Shepherd?" Fluttershy asked. Shepherd twisted back and forth.
"... I'm both scared and aroused by that. As usual when dealing with you."
There was a knock on the door, and I coughed. I quickly shoved the action figures into a box, and hid them under a nearby chair.
"Come in!" I said cheerfully, sitting as casually as I could with an elbow on the table. Twilight entered with a smile, and a stack of forms.
"Hey sweetie, I..." She frowned. "Huh..."
I blinked. "Something wrong?"
"The Princess said she was sending some action figures this shop in Manehattan is releasing... To give us a preview and make sure everything meets our standards," she said. She looked at me curiously. "Have you seen them?"
"Ah... Yes, actually," I said quickly. "I mean, action figures you said?"
Twilight nodded. I turned and pulled the box out from under a chair. I set them in front of her. She examined them with a bright smile.
"Aw... It's how we looked during the Changeling crisis! You especially!" She frowned as she turned my action figure over. "Your feet are kind of wrong, though. Like they were broken off and re-attached..."
"Well, they probably are just far too used to making pony dolls to get it right," I said quickly. Maybe a bit too quickly judging from the look on her face.
"Uh huh... Is this peanut butter?" She sniffed the Fluttershy doll. She eyed the remnants of my lunch on the counter nearby, including a bit of crust from a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"You know, why don't we just talk about... The forms! The forms you brought along," I said quickly. I reached out and took them, setting them on my table with a smile. Twilight smiled back, and sat in the chair across from mine.
"Good idea! It's pretty simple, just... Well, an application for the citizenship test, and for health insurance."
"... I thought I already was," I said with a frown. "Didn't saving the kingdom entitle me to that?"
"Well yes, but there's an official test and application to take, too," Twilight said quickly. My frown deepened.
"So... What am I right now? I mean, legally... Aside from 'illegal alien'," I snickered a bit. It was rather funny, you know? “And… Wait, how have I been paying for my health needs until now?”
“Er, well…” Twilight smiled. “Let’s not worry about that!”
“Twilight,” I said warningly. My purple marefriend nuzzled me.
“We can go to the dentist and have you checked out, and then you can understand everything you need to do,” Twilight said. “Fair enough?”
I worried my lip. She looked so sincere… I nodded.
“All right. But you’re putting it into your schedule. In ink.”
“Already done,” Twilight said, presenting me with a scroll that did indeed have a dentist’s appointment set up for me. I sighed and shook my head.
“You are entirely too smart for your own good, Twilight Sparkle,” I said. Twilight huffed.
“Impossible!”
“Clearly,” I said wryly.
- - - - - -
It was long and exhausting, but every step of the way Twilight helped me with the forms to fill out for the Equestrian equivalent of their national healthcare market. In essence, it made healthcare providers compete on an open market with a tax-subsidized standard for all citizens of certain tax brackets. It was remarkably elegant and well thought out.
In other words, absolutely nothing like any current medical system on my planet.
"All right, now that that’s done, let's begin with the citizenship application," Twilight said cheerfully, organizing the forms into two neat stacks and setting them down like cards about to be shuffled. She had donned glasses and put her hair up into a bun. A move I found to be very attractive, but uh... Right. Had to focus.
"Name?" Twilight asked.
"Andrew... Eugene Shepherd," I said.
"Date of birth?" Twilight asked. I made a face.
"I haven't done the conversions from Earth years to Equestrian yet-"
"Relax, I've taken care of it," Twilight said, waving her other hoof as she scratched down the answer. "Let's keep going. Place of birth?"
"Earth..." At Twilight's look, I shrugged. "You want me to be more specific?"
"I guess that will do for now..." Twilight sighed.
The question and answer session continued... And got more and more ridiculous.
"If a white mark is painted on your forehead and you stand in front of a mirror. Do you A, touch the mark on your forehead. B, touch the mirror. C, scream angrily at the other you in the mirror and smash it-"
"A, and what the hell?" I asked in disbelief. Twilight looked up and gave me a sharp look. I scowled right back.
"What do you mean, what the hell?"
"If I can comprehend the question relating to the test, why ask it in the first place?" I demanded.
"It's completely standardized-"
"It's completely retarded," I said angrily. Twilight's cheeks flushed in anger.
"It is not! And do you want to finish this test, or not?"
"Fine!" I said angrily, standing up and stretching. "Nngh..."
"We aren't done yet!" Twilight said. I stopped and stared at her in disbelief.
"I'm just getting up and stretching," I said flatly. "How is that a bad thing? I've been sitting in this chair for hours!"
"But the sooner we get this done, the better!" Twilight said urgently. "I mean, Princess Celestia herself gave me this assignment and she told me it had to be done as soon as possible and I can only conclude that the deadline is absolutely vital!"
"Why?" I blurted out. Twilight blinked.
"What?! What do you mean, why?!"
"Well... She seemed to make it clear it was important-" Twilight began, but I cut her off.
"Yes, and so it is. But is it really something to stress out over? Like..." Realization hit me. "Everything else you get directly from your mentor?"
Twilight scowled. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean, whenever Princess Celestia is involved, you seem to kind of..." How to put this delicately? "Freak out."
Okay, so that wasn't delicately, given Twilight's indignant look.
"I do not freak out! I-I am perfectly focused, responsible-"
"Time travel incident," I said dryly. Twilight flushed a bit.
"Th-That's completely different!" Twilight said quickly. "This is just a missive, given to me by Princess Celestia and..."
"And?" I rested my hands on her hooves and looked her in the eyes. "It's just paperwork, Twilight. Relax, okay? We just need a break."
Twilight worried her lower lip. She looked at the stack of forms, and then back to me. "But Princess Celestia-"
"Oh for crying out loud," I muttered. I sighed, resigned, and grabbed Twilight's flanks. She squeaked and struggled as I began to give her a massage.
"An-Andrew! Andrew Eugene Shepherd, y-you quit that right now!"
"No."
"Stop it right now!"
"No," I said, as I proceeded to tickling. She giggled, and nuzzled me as she patting her hooves against my chest.
"No, it isn't," I agreed with a smile. I squeezed her rump. She squeaked... And bucked her head. Her horn flashed with magical power, and I was suddenly thrown into the nearby wall. "URK!"
"Oh! Oh, Andrew! Oh no, are you all right?" Twilight asked, suddenly concerned and hovering over me. I groaned and looked up at her.
"I... Am fine..." My eyes narrowed a bit as an idea occurred. "But you have to take a break."
Twilight worried her lower lip. "I..." She sighed, ears drooping. "All right..."
I smiled. "Good! Let's read a book or something. Together. On the couch."
Twilight almost immediately brightened. "That sounds lovely!" She enthused. She summoned a large tome covered in archaic script. "I know just the one!"
"Er... Elementary Spell Physics, Volume Nine," I read off the title. Twilight nodded.
"It's one of my favorites! Why don't we read it..." And here she blushed, "together?"
Now, reading a textbook is not exactly my idea of a relaxing time... On the other hand, making my marefriend happy? That is.
"All right," I said with a smile.
After all, it couldn't be as boring as paperwork, right?
- - - - - -
Actually, it wasn’t boring. Far better than paperwork. Which I resumed almost exactly on the dot, despite Twilight’s clearly desperate desire to keep reading.
“I’ll just have to save strange quarks for later,” she sighed, closing the book up around a neat bookmark. “Now then, let’s get back to it.”
I made my way to the desk and resumed filling out the forms, one at a time, Twilight looking over each one. It seemed endless, really… But by and by, there were only four forms left. Then three, then two, and finally, with a flourish of my aching hand, I stacked the last one into the finished pile. I smiled over at Twilight, who smiled back.
"So, any other forms I have to fill out?" I asked Twilight warily. My unicorn girlfriend tilted her head curiously.
"Well, you've filled out all the forms I brought along..."
"I don't like that modifier," I said flatly. Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Honestly, you're so melodramatic! It's just forms! You told me you filled them out all the time on your planet-"
"And I hated that too," I replied. "It was tedium, turned into a means of supporting lazy bureaucrats."
"There's a lot more to it than that," Twilight huffed. "And you are an undocumented lifeform on this planet, a newcomer. You want to get paid and health insurance, right?"
"Yeah, but..." I grumbled. "It just seems so... Mundane."
"Mundane?" Asked Twilight, raising an eyebrow. I raised my hands up and waved them around.
"Well... This is a world of magic ponies, killer monsters, goddesses who raise the sun and moon..." I looked down at the stack of paperwork with a disgusted expression. "And you still have forms to fill out?!"
Twilight snorted.
"Would you prefer we fill out the forms while we battle a dark unicorn king for control of an ancient empire?"
I thought about it, and smiled. "Well... Yeah, I would."
"Too bad! There isn't any such adventure and I wouldn't let you fill out forms while we were doing it!" Twilight stated, putting her hoof down. "... Unless it was really vital. Like, if you'd left it to the last minute." Her eyes narrowed. "As you often do."
"I'm always on time when it comes to the important things," I stated. Twilight glared.
"Paperwork is important!"
"Only because you have a fetish for paper, books and information in that form," I stated. Twilight blinked and tilted her head.
"Fet... Ish?"
I blinked. "... I could have sworn we covered-"
"What is it?" Twilight asked happily, eager to learn something new. I coughed.
"Ah... You know what, maybe we should get to the dentist’s office-”
"What is a fetish?"
"I'm not telling you," I said. Twilight's eyes narrowed.
"Not going to tell me?"
"Nope," I said. "You'll have to figure it out for yourself."
Twilight's eyes flashed... And she smiled. I gulped. You'd think I would learn... But that was her thing, not mine.
“All right. Dentist’s office it is,” she said with a broad smile. “And after that? Research.”
“Indeed,” I said with a nod, frantically thinking of a way out of this.
And as you might expect? I didn’t.
Human intelligence, yeah...
------
Getting a dental appointment was about as much fun on Equestria as it was on Earth. Though I suppose I didn't have to deal with someone's hands in my mouth, given it was a unicorn handling the tools. The glow of her magic on them was a bit distracting. I kept feeling a buzzing in the back of my head as my mouth was held wide open. I laid back in the dentist's chair, which was essentially a heavily modified couch.
"So, I don't get a lot of primates," the dentist said conversationally. "Your dental formula is very interesting. And you take such good care of them! Flossing and everything! How often do you do it?"
"Hwar hraff," I replied, rolling my eyes. What, did she expect me to be intelligible?
"Very good indeed," she said. "Hrm..." She looked at the chart nearby, scrutinizing some forms. "Something strange though."
"Hrrf?" I asked. The dentist frowned and tilted her head.
"Your incisors... They're a bit dull for an omnivore, aren't they?"
"Hwahmf?" I asked again. The dentist beamed.
"Oh, that's all right. A free tooth sharpening is included in your plan!"
"Waahf?" I tried. The dentist held up a tooth polisher of some kind, which buzzed loudly.
"Don't worry, I'll have it all fixed in a moment!" She said. I shook my head and tried to get out of the chair... But belts snapped in around my limbs.
"MMPH?!" I cried out. The dentist advanced, still smiling.
"This won't hurt a bit!"
"HWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
------
I was met in the office by Twilight. She smiled at me. I didn't return the favor, which made her frown.
"Everything all right?" She asked. I sighed... And bared my teeth. Twilight blinked, and smiled.
"Oh! Your incisors-You got them sharpened!"
"It was free," I said flatly. "Now I can't talk without risking cutting my tongue."
"I'm failing to see it as a problem," Twilight teased. I crossed my arms over my chest and huffed.
"Funny..." I turned to the receptionist at the counter. "So, how much?"
"Ah, eheh," and suddenly Twilight was in front of me. She gave me an entirely unconvincing smile. "Wh-Why don't you let me handle this?"
I frowned. "Twilight, I think I can handle this. I'll just pay out of pocket-"
"Now now, I've got it all handled," Twilight said quickly, turning to the receptionist. She gripped a pen with her telekinesis and began to scribble on the paperwork. I scowled and leaned over to try and see what she was writing. She moved it aside. She was grinding up against me, which would normally be kind of pleasant but right now it was just annoying.
"Let me at least pay the co-pay... What are you doing?"
"Nothing!" Twilight said. I glared.
"Twilight, you're really not good at lying. What's going-On-HEY!" I kept trying to snatch the papers up, and she just kept me at bay. "TWILIGHT!"
"Mr. Sparkle, perhaps you and your wife can handle this outside?" The receptionist suggested. I rolled my eyes as Twilight froze.
"Ha ha, very funny, haven't heard that one before," I muttered. I reached down and snatched the papers. "Now if you'll just... Just..." I stared. "Twilight, you've signed on the line for 'spouse'."
Twilight didn't look at me, her hooves tapping nervously. My eyes narrowed.
"Twilight... Why did you sign on the line for spouse?"
"Um... Well, you see," Twilight began, "you didn't fill out the forms to get single health insurance in time for this fiscal year, and it's far cheaper to just file jointly... So... Legally..."
I stared at her. She giggled nervously.
"... And you were upset with Fluttershy for wanting to have my children," I said, feeling like I was in shock.
"Well, she did classify you as her pet under her health insurance, so you really shouldn't be that upset with me," Twilight said matter-of-factly.
"Hello! I'm Pinkamenia Diane Pie!" The pink pony said cheerfully as the film reel ran. She stood in front of a blackboard, filled with chalk drawings of various things including apples, various ponies, and a stick figure of a human. "And as the Element of Laughter, I won the straw drawing to be the hostess!"
There is an indistinct grunt off camera. Pinkie Pie ignores it.
"And I am here to educate you about..." She erased the chalk drawings with a single swipe of her tail, and quickly drew a vaguely stick-shaped figure, "HUMANS!"
"Humans... Humans..." Dash murmured off camera in a mock echo.
"Humans, or Homo sapiens sapiens, are sapient primates from the third planet orbiting a distant star called Sol!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, scribbling a map of the Sol system. Mercury had a frowny face while Venus seemed to have rings, but otherwise it was accurate. "There are over seven billion of them all crammed together on this tiny planet called EARTH!"
Pinkie Pie held up what appeared to be the golden plaque from the Pioneer probe, showing off male and female human forms. "There are male and female humans, just like male and female ponies! They tend to wear clothes all the time though, since they don't have fur except for their manes. I guess they just started to shave and it caught on everywhere!"
Pinkie beamed as she lowered the plaque. "Humans are a race of contrasts! Which means they come mainly in shades of white and black. I guess. The pictures of humans we have seem to come in varieties of eggshell, brown, burnt orange, burnt red, kind of a pale sandy color, pink..." Pinkie shrugged and grinned. "Anyway! Humans do not have access to magic, but make no mistake! They can be dangerous and inventive! Their most fearsome weapons, aside from their brains and their heat vision," Pinkie pulled out a diagram of a hand, "are their hands!"
Pinkie bounced up and down excitedly. "Their hands let them manipulate tools, materials and tired, sore muscles! As Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle and I can attest!" She grinned. "Especially the first two, how they scream behind doors-"
A ball bounced off Pinkie's head from offscreen. Pinkie beamed happily, and tilted her head. She turned and flounced back to the chalkboard. Pinkie Pie pulled down a poster, which showed an image of Andrew Shepherd with numerous captions and arrows pointing all over him.
"Currently there is only one human in Equestria! Andrew Eugene Shepherd! Who I mentioned before-"
“Oh, fine… Ahem!” She smacked her pointer to the Shepherd poster again, indicating his legs. “Unlike ponies, humans go around on two legs! This lets them use their hands freely! This also means they are basically up on their back hooves all the time, which is impressive! They’re doing wheelies! Whee!”
She pointed to the chest of the diagram. “Here is the chest of the human, which contains their heart, gizzard, and other vital organs! Surrounding this chest is a ribcage, to ensure their hearts will not escape and chase after innocent mares! That would be kind of gross, but apparently ‘chasing your heart’s desire’ can be quite literal for humans if their rib cage is not working properly!”
Pinkie’s pointer went to Shepherd’s head, and here she adopted a very serious expression.
“Finally, we come to the head of the human being! Here they keep their thoughts, which is weird because I like to put my thoughts out through my mouth! It is also where their most dangerous weapon ever is kept!” She adopted a dramatic expression. “Their brains!”
Another ball bounced off Pinkie Pie's head.
"Contrary to what you've heard, humans are not horrible alien monsters! They just happen to be very, very dangerous! But unlike creatures like manticores or dragons, he builds and creates devices and plans that allow him to cause massive destruction! All with that dangerous, squishy brain inside his skull!” She held up a balloon, crudely painted to resemble the Earth, and rubbed her hooves all over it as she gazed at the camera with a predatory smile.
“Just imagine how chaotic and dangerous his entire planet must be with all the billions and billions of dangerous humans on it! All plotting and scheming and building death rays and making wars and so on! Why, it’s no wonder the Changelings wet themselves just thinking about Earth!”
“Or certain mares,” muttered Rainbow Dash off camera. Pinkie giggled.
“Hee! You made a funny, Dash!”
“Stick to the script!” Dash ordered. “Or whatever you’re using.”
“Right,” Pinkie said with a nod. She pulled down another diagram for her screen, this one covered in ancient drawings of humans. “Throughout our folklore, for thousands of years, there has been a legend of humans! The strange hairless apes that even dragons feared!” Pinkie leaned in close, holding a flashlight under her face to make her look spooky.
“These beings of legend are a force to be reckoned with, and a reminder of all the wonders that populate this planet! How even the strangest myth can be truth! Especially when it comes to… THE HUMAN ANIMAL! So show a little respect to this mighiest of the walking monkeys! This harbringer of doom to evil, and beacon of light to good! These titans of technology, beings of belligerency, LORDS OF THEIR WORLD AND SOMEDAY OURS-!”
“Pinkie! What the hell are you doing?” Andrew Shepherd walked into the shot. He was unshaven, wearing a pink bathrobe, and bleary eyed. “It’s three in the morning… And why are you in my house?!”
Pinkie Pie beamed.
"Oh, I'm just educating the general public about humans so they know what to expect when they meet you!"
“In my house… At three in the morning,” he replied flatly. Pinkie Pie nodded.
“Yes! I mean, we found those nature documentaries humans shot, and so we thought-”
“Forget it,” Shepherd sighed, rubbing his face. “Whatever you do, just do it quietly.”
“Ah, c’mon,” Rainbow Dash urged. “Why not say a few words?”
Shepherd slowly looked at the camera, blinking a few times. He scratched his side. He coughed, and wiped his face with a groan.
“I'm a little hoarse…”
Pinkie Pie stared at him, and giggled. "Silly! You're not a little horse! I'm a little horse!"
"No, no, I mean I'm hoarse," Andrew said, with another cough. Pinkie frowned.
"You need to clarify that with an adjective or-"
"No! The word is hoarse," Andrew explained. "H-O-A-R-S-E. It means to have a scratchy throat, from a cold."
Pinkie Pie stared in astonishment. Her expression turned to glee.
"You mean... You have a word in your language that sounds like horse, but means something else?!" Pinkie Pie held her hooves to the sides of her head in amazement. "FORGET EVERYTHING ELSE I SAID! HUMANS ARE AWESOME! Now give me your cold!"
Shepherd stared at her. "Why?"
"So I can be a little horse!"
“You already are,” Shepherd sighed. Pinkie Pie giggled, rolling around on the floor.
“That’s what makes it SO FUNNY!”
“I’m going back to bed,” Shepherd stated, turning and staggering off as Pinkie Pie continued to cackle.
The camera shifted, clumsily turned on its tripod until Rainbow Dash’s face filled the frame. She sighed.
“Well, until Pinkie Pie can get under control, that’s all for Humans and You. Join us next time for when we study the human’s feeding, sleeping and mating habits.”
“Wait, what are you-?” Shepherd spoke, but Dash grinned.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - -
Switching the viewpoint a bit, written with Harry Leferts.
- - - -
It was one of the most secure bunkers on the planet. Heavily reinforced and dug deep into soil in Denton, Texas, it was a relic of the Cold War and could survive a multi-megaton nuclear bomb going off a mere three miles away. It had been packed with communications equipment, to coordinate civil emergency response across the country in the event of thermonuclear war. It had been put to far better use during the Changeling Invasion: As one of several communications centers that helped coordinate the global response to the war against the alien invaders.
Post-victory, the Denton facility had changed focus yet again: Monitoring what had become of the Changeling mothership in orbit, and the bizarre spacetime anomaly it had left behind. Within a conference room deep inside the facility, several generals and scientists around the world were meeting to discuss the latest findings regarding the anomaly.
The news, unfortunately, was not good.
As he looked at a nervous scientist, the US General slowly growled. "You mean to tell me... that some of those blasted changelings may have escaped...!?"
Gulping, the scientist turned to a computer and typed. A moment later, the LCD screen showed a section of space that looked like a slowly waving line, bolts of St Elmo’s fire shooting across and around it.
"Yes, as you can see here, the explosion of the mothership's main engines created this." He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts. "We... don't know the hows or whys, though we suspect it had to do with whatever method of faster than light travel they used, but it punched a hole through space and time itself."
Dr. MacNeil then showed a video that showed the formation of the hole, and the small Dream Chaser craft as well as the changeling ships and fighters that got sucked in. "As you can see, they were, for lack of a better word, drawn into it. Where it goes... we don't know."
The General scowled a bit. "So for all we know, the changelings could have gone for reinforcements!"
A Canadian one shook his head. "Or found somewhere to rebuild." He then frowned as he rubbed his chin. "Could it gone through time? There are legends of shape changers throughout history after all..."
A chill swept through the room at that as the idea of changelings with knowledge of human history escaping to another time scared many. The doctor didn't help as he shook his head. "It's possible... anything is really." He then ran a hand through his hair. "Though it's just as likely that they were killed in the transit."
The British Admiral shook his head. "Not a chance we can take I'm afraid." He then sighed. "And, if for nothing else, we should find out the fate of whoever was piloting that dream chaser. Also, if possible, to retrieve them."
What was not said was that no one expected the pilot to be alive though. The Russian, Dmitry then spoke up. "But we can't just go through, we need information first!" He then looked at the scientist in the eye. "We need to send a probe through the... anomaly."
MacNeil scratched his chin. "It'll take a while for us to build it. The gravitational sheer around it would mean that it would be shielded and obviously it would need to be nuclear powered… Possibly with a lander if it's somewhere near a planet..."
Once more, the Russian grunted. "Once Energia is up and running once more, we'll be able to assemble it in orbit then. Not like size is an issue any longer..."
The Canadian General, Mike Bernard, nodded. "Then we're decided then? We'll build the probe and send it through as soon as possible."
He gave a look to an engineer who rubbed his neck. "Give us... a year, maybe two to set this up..."
"You have nine months," the general stated.
------
As the American General met his Canadian counterpart, he raised an eyebrow. "I heard that you have something?"
With a frown, General Mike Bernard motioned for him to follow and they entered the David Florida Labratory, one of the few facilities of it's kind from behind that had survived the war (for the simple dint that other countries had been higher on the list then Canada as threats). "As you know John, one of the things that we need is some intelligence for what might be beyond the portal before we send the main probe."
John grunted a bit as they walked. "Yes, but even with the war, more money is being directed to reconstruction and building up the orbitals. The cost of testing entry through that portal and finding out what may be on the other side with probes is causing some heads to shake, Mike. And it takes time to build probes."
Mike just smirked as they stopped outside a clean room and entered a small one beside it.
There, on the walls were some protective clothing which he motioned to. "Well, if there's one thing that us Canadians are used to, it's making due with small things..."
Now curious, the American General, dressed in the white clothing handed to him and put on the face mask as his counterpart did the same. Then together the two entered the clean room. The first thing he noticed was what looked like some old missile bodies being worked on at one end, mostly ones that would not have looked out of place mounted on a fighter. But the next thing was a series of dark grey objects on a table, five of them. Each was about the size of a toaster and on each of the five sides there was a darkened hemisphere. As well, there was strips of solar panels and what looks like a dish on the back. "Are those..."
The Canadian nodded. "Yes, say hello to the Champlain probes." He then chuckled. "The missiles are being outfitted with Faraday cages to protect them from the discharges and extra shielding for the probes in case of radiation."
Having walked over to them, John looked them over. "Cameras?"
Mike smirked behind the mask. "Off the shelf 360 cameras." He then gestured at the rest. "Most of it is off the shelf items letting us build them quickly and easily and on the cheap.Won't be able to see far, but should let us have some idea what might be on the other side." He then gestured at the dish on the back. "That folds in, allowing it to fit in the missile case."
With a smile, John looked back at the missiles being worked and chuckled. "Well, I'll be..." He then slapped the Canadian General on the shoulder. "Looks like we're in business..." ------------
As he drew slowly closer to what had become known as simply "The Rift", USAF Captain Arthur "King" MacIssac felt the hairs on the back of his neck as they rose. While he kept one eye on the anomaly, he glanced at his instruments and took note of where the sats that monitored the rip in Space/Time were. "King to Citadel, final positioning now complete, prepared and requesting permission to launch."
After a few moments his suit's radio cracked on the Control Room back on Earth answered.
"Citadel to King, Permission for launch has been granted. Repeat, permission for launch has been granted."
As the engines for the Dream Chaser ignited, the ship leapt forward as it built up speed. Then, the missile slung underneath launched as flames trailed it as it sped forward toward the center of the Rift. While he banked away, Captain MacIssac watched from the corner of his eye as the missile headed into the area of the Rift, guided by the multitude of satellites in the area. "King to Citadel, launch is complte and package heading for insertion in approximately ten seconds." As observed the missile get close, he saw bolts of strange lightning leap from the tear and slowly wrap themselves around the craft. Then, in a flash of bright light, it was gone on its way to meet its destiny. "King to Citadel, package has entered insertion point. Repeat, package has entered insertion point. Returning to Bug Hunter."
Down on Earth, one of the technicians manning the posts in a control room nodded. "Citadel to King, we read you."
As he watched the activity around him as did his Canadian counterpart, John grunted and turned to a nearby station. "How long until we receive a signal?"
The tech, a Eric MacPherson from memory, shook his head. "We don't know, Sir. Could be a few minutes or a few hours. We're dealing with a complete unknown here."
While on Earth the General grunted, the missile continued its journey until it came out the other side, the skin blackened and blistered from the strange energies inside the Rift. Inside, computers contained within shielded areas took note of it having passed through the Rift and once two minutes had passed, the bulbous head of the missile blew apart and revealed the probe. Then a moment later the gas canisters attached to the corners of the probe opened up and jetted away from the missile, helped along by one inside the missile itself which slowed it down.
As the probe continued one, the small explosives located at the weak spots detonated and broke the missile apart while a small arm extended from the back of the probe. And from the arm the communications dish slowly unfolded and began transmitting.
Back on Earth, the room erupted into cheers as the Canadian General gave the American on a nod before he cleared his throat. "Bring it up." As the screens began to show what the probe was seeing, his eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Is that a planet...?"
John just frowned some. "It is Earth in some different time? Or the Changeling Homeworld?"
One of the techs adjusted his glasses as he looked over the video and shook his head. "Can't be the homeworld of the bugs, no orbital infrastructure visible at all. And can't be Earth either, the continents are all the wrong shape."
Having just completed some calculations, one of the female techs spoke up. "Sir, the probe is heading for the planet itself. It should enter the atmosphere soon."
The American General just sighed. "We figured that it might be lost. Continue to gather as much data as possible until the probe stops transmitting." For the next few hours as the planet loomed larger and larger on the screens, they continued to download the video from it until the first licks of flame started to wrap around the probe.
Deep inside it, a small program activated as it sensed a possible intrusion and did as it was supposed to. A moment later, the small high explosive charge in the probe's innards detonated and turned it into a cloud of debris that rapidly burned up, followed two hours later by the remains of the missile...
-------------
"We've been going over the data for a while now," the scientist said as he clicked through powerpoint slides on the projector in the meeting room. "Spectroscopic analysis indicates the planet is definitely Earth like. Atmosphere is roughly the same as our own."
The general nodded. "So they jumped to a world like ours... Would that explain why they came to ours?"
"In theory, yes. Maybe they derive more energy from lifeforms with an oxygen-carbon cycle like we do," a biologist, Jessica Savard, who just last year had been doing her doctorate in methane-based microorganisms piped up from the other side of the crowded table. "Or maybe they seek out mammalian-like life to feed on. Frankly we haven't been able to figure out a lot of how they work, and we've only got our world and another world for examples."
Slowly, John allowed himself a wry smile. "Good point. All right, what can you tell me concretely?"
"We were able to pick up some signs of industrialization," The main scientist went on, flipping to a series of charts denoting atmospheric content. "Looks like whoever's living there has some level of technology given the artificial substances we picked out. There weren't any signs we could tell of radioactive isotopes that would indicate they'd detonated nuclear weapons..."
"So we could be dealing with a less advanced world," the general surmised. "I guess the Changelings lucked out and wanted to try rebuilding with a species that's less difficult to conquer."
"Yes," the scientist admitted. "However, the weird thing is that we detected waste heat energies comparable to our own civilization, and ionization in the atmosphere that suggests a great deal of radio communication traffic."
"So they don't use as many fossil fuels as we do?" Asked the President's representative, the first time the young man had asked a question. Dr. Arthur, the head scientist, shrugged.
"It is possible they figured out something we didn't," the scientist said. "In any event though, given these values if the Changelings were able to rebuild, they could use whatever this civilization has got-"
"And come back through to finish the job," the General finished. He frowned deeply and looked to the President's representative. "Frankly, I think we need to continue recon probes into this situation."
"The President agrees, however," and here Johnson, the representative fidgeted,"he wants to make it clear that if the Changelings are preying on a new world, our first priority should be to help them. Not to just, uh, drop lots of nukes on the planet to be sure."
"And we agree completely," the general said with a nod. Multiple nods around the room. "We need more intel before we can make a plan of action. For all we know, this might be a Changeling colony world and they might have reinforcements from elsewhere. At this point, all we can do is hope the President can convince Congress to fund as many recon flights as needed into the portal."
"And a manned mission?" Asked the representative.
The general sighed and checked his notes. "Enterprise is too valuable to send through. We need her to provide defense of Earth orbit..."
The representative nodded and passed out a few forms to the people around the conference table. "Then he was wondering what you'd make of this proposal he's running past the budget committee..."
The papers were opened and flipped through. To the biologist, it didn't make much sense. To the chief scientist, an engineer by training, it brought forth a whistle. "That's going to be a tall order," he admitted. "We're going to need a lot more infrastructure in LEO to build it."
"The man who gave the idea to the president said as much," the President's rep said, "but he wants to send this ship through the portal as soon as possible..."
"Before the end of his term then?" Asked the biologist. The President's rep coughed.
"Well... Not in so many words but-"
General John Andrews laughed. "I've gotta admit... It is a bit refreshing to see a politician want personal glory again after everything. Though in the President's case, it's a return to the norm-"
"General!" The rep gasped. The general snorted.
"I'm too old and too ornery to care. But I am honest enough to admit when someone's got a decent idea." He looked to the scientist. "How long would it take for you to build this set up?"
"A year, usually," admitted the chief scientist. At the general's look, the scientist sighed and smirked. "But we'll see what we can do."
"Good," said the general. He looked to the representative. "Inform the President if he can provide the means, we might just get this ready in time."
"Yessir," said the representative cheerfully.
-----
Four months later…
As he floated around the launch vehicle placed in the black colt spaceplane's cargo hold, the tech shook his head. "It looks like someone attached a damn rocket engine to a nuclear bomb..." Beside him, the other tech taps on a tablet and sighed. "Well, considering the size of the payload in there, it needs to be larger than anything else we've sent through."
He then looked up at the massive object and noted that it was nearly the size of the old Soviet Tsar Bomba. "The faraday cage needs to be larger than normal." He then patted it as if it was a pet. "I'm telling you, this baby is going to let us know a lot..."
--------
Having made it through the portal, the capsule portion of the satellite carrier began to break apart, the scorched plates opening like a clam as the satellite shot forward on the small ion engine. Once it was behind so far, the small thermite veins activated and broke the carrier into smaller parts as the booster itself silently exploded as it was designed to. Eventually, the oblong shaped satellite moved into it's orbit, joining the dozen smaller ones already there.
As back on Earth, the various technicians ran checks on the systems, the probe's electronics began to hum with power as the alien sunlight struck it's solar panels that covered its body, the panels the only thing that glinted as the rest of the dark gray probe seems to absorb any that struck it. When the camera came online, the first thing it focused on was the sight of the booster's remains as they entered the atmosphere over the one of the major continents with any pieces that survived impacting a ocean having created a meteor show for anyone watching.
Finally, the main cameras focused in on one area in particular that had caught the attention of previous probes, though none had a high enough resolution to make out details. But this one's camera, based on the HiRISE of the old Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, managed to catch much more detail, including the roofs of individual buildings though anything smaller was just blurry dots. It also made out roadways leading to and from the settlement to the excitement of the scientists and xenoanthropologists back home. It just sat there, silently...
Watching.
------
It was a week later that saw the Portal Exploration Team meet again, in the same secure conference room as before. The American general frowned as he looked at the various people on the viewscreen. "Okay what have you got for us? its obvious whoever lives there doesn't have orbital capabilities, yet you science guys are squawking about a unknown tech base? And why should that matter when you are finally getting some hard data on Changeling locations?"
Doctor Arthur cleared his throat before he nodded and began. "Well yes General. if you take a look of this our probes have been circling the planet for the better part of a month now when we noticed this anomaly".
With a growl, Daniel, the other American General, slammed his hand down on a table. "Are you telling us it took... a whole month? why wasn't it noticed earlier... for that matter why is it only NOW narrowing down where the escaped Changlings may be?"
For a brief moment, the head scientist coughed as he cleared his throat. "Well since we we were unsure about the orbital detection or capabilities of this world and the changeling survivors, our earlier probes were designed to be heavily stealth based. An unavoidable side effect was that other monitoring and scanning equipment had to be minimized both in power consumption and accuracy. We also had to reduce the cost as some were expected to be lost and so we used off the shelf commercial parts for them. Since then, we have determined there to be a acceptable perimeter that there appears to be no orbital defences at all, we have been able to prune back the stealth qualities of our probes and insert more powerful scanning equipment, with higher magnification... which is how we even noticed the anomaly."
There was a brief moment while John frowned as he state the one fact that was still getting to people. "And yet, you still can't get photos of the inhabitants of this world or changelings..."
The scientist sighed as he rubbed his brows. "Well yes, we can't completely dismiss the chance we missed something. Even orbital space is a fairly large volume, so we have decided not to eliminate stealth altogether. Add in what we have to build into the probes toughness so that it can withstand the stresses of the wormhole and its just not possible to match the sensor sophistication of what we can put into satellites in our own orbit." He shrugged, leaning back in his chair at the conference table. "It’s actually similar to the problem NASA used to have with probes sent to other planets, which were stuck with cameras and sensors that were well behind the cutting edge because they had to be built for robustness-"
He was interrupted by Mike Bernard, the Canadian General who waved a hand. "Alright, alright. No need to give us a dissertation," The Canadian frowned a bit as he cut to the heart of the matter. "The cameras on the probe are weaker and we can't avoid that. So! If they are so weak, how did you catch this anomaly?"
The various people not on the science team had to raise their eyebrows as they saw Doctor Arthur, known for his level headedness, actually throw his hands in the air. "Because the Anomoly is continent wide!" With a quick motion, he pulled up several videos of Equestria from orbit showing weather patterns in motion. "These videos are fast motioned copies of what our orbital probe has observed over the past month. Notice anything peculiar about them?"
Slightly confused, John shared a look with the other Staff Officers there and shrugged. "Looks orderly to me."
What he did not expect, was for Arthur to rub his face as he shouted. "EXACTLY! The weather patterns are orderly.... as in you can follow them logically with very little random chance... as opposed to the weather patterns on earth over a similar month."
He then pulled up a video showing north america similar fast motion which showed the difference in weather pattern was quite apparent. Apparent enough for General Daniel to sit up as he realized what was not told."You don' t mean..."
Slowly, the head scientist nodded, disbelief across his face. "Yes. Whoever inhabits this planet has some means of weather control technology. Weather control which is decades, if not centuries ahead of what crude manipulation we can do on our own."
While he frowned and thought over the newest information, the main American General, John Sawyer shook his head. "None of the Changeling prisoners even mentioned the idea of weather control..."
His attention was caught as he sighted as Dr. Arthur MacNeil raised a finger. "Actually, it's funny you should mention that. There appear to be a large forested area on the continent where the orderly weather control seems to fail." There was another click and a orbital picture of what many Equestrians could identify as the Everfree Forest popped up. "In what is a probably unlikely coincidence, this area is one of two where our probe sensors are able to detect Changeling hive activity, the other being up near the northern pole area. Which has its own anomaly of what appears to be a farmland and a giant city of sorts smack dab in the middle of a frozen arctic wasteland. However I digress, what is most notable is that of the two active Changeling points, the forest one is the stronger."
As he hummed, the Canadian General spoke up for the second time as usually in these meetings he preferred to listen. "Hmmm... so did the changelings just disrupt the weather control there, or is it a containment zone the inhabitants of planet X have managed to box the Changelings into?"
Slowly, John shook his head as he turned to his Canadian counterpart. "Its a pity the sensors just aren't strong enough to get us a clearer picture, but from what the tech boys claim we really can't get a better resolution while maintaining effective stealth levels AND have the probe sturdy enough to pass through the wormhole."
Dr. Arthur nodded in agreement. "Indeed. We might be able to squeeze in a little more magnification, but its doubtful we'd be able to discern anything smaller than a 747 within mission parameters."
Having shared a look with his counterpart, the Canadian General, Mike Bernard, sighed. "It seems we have no choice than..."
With a grunt, John crossed his arms across his chest. "Yes, I had hoped to get a clearer view of the land and scenario, but if the planetary inhabitants are just containing the changelings the situation could worsen rapidly. We need more direct intel and the only way to do that is to send in a land based probe."
After he let out a breath, Daniel shared a look with the other Officers and government employees before he turned and said the words the science team had been waiting for. "We're all in agreement then, you are cleared to begin preparations to launch Rover."
"And after that," General John said grimly, "the Avenger."
---------
As she set up her telescope, Twilight had to hold back a grin at the sound of the water running in her bathroom. "So I take it that 'Cutie Mark Crusaders Chemists' did not work out nearly as well as you thought that it would?"
There was a grunt before Andrew's voice drifted out. "It would have gone perfectly well, except someone left a jar with hunks of sodium inside of it out in plain view."
A blush lit up Twilight's face as she remembered she was missing a jar and that the Crusaders had come by to get supplies from her for their Crusading. "Huh... fancy that..." Andrew poked his head out and gave her a suspicious look at her tone, but could only see the back of Twilight's head as she stuck it into a box. "Doesn't explain why you were covered in tree sap..."
As he sighed, getting the last few bits of twigs and leaves from his hair, Andrew rolled his eyes. "Well, the Crusaders thought it was cool that the sodium caught fire and even exploded on contact with water, so they threw some into puddles... and then Sweetie Belle slipped and the whole jar flew into a hole in a tree, one which was filled with water..."
Her telescope finally set up, Twilight looked through the eyepiece and frowned as she made her adjustments. "Huh, I remember having fun with sodium when I was a filly... like throwing chunks into the snowbanks ahead of these other, older fillies that bullied me."
The Human could only blink as he stopped and dried his hands. 'Never would have figured for her for something like that.' Then again, with her “For SCIENCE!” attitude it was not terribly hard to imagine. Once again, he thanked God and Celestia she had turned out one of the good guys. He shook it off and looked over his shoulder.
"Really, now?"
While she nervously chuckled, Twilight scanned the sky. "Well... yes, I..."
Andrew frowned a bit. "Yes, you... what?"
With a blink, Twilight pulled away from her telescope and gestured at him. "Andrew... can you come here for a moment?" Once he reached her, Andrew bent down and looked through the eyepiece as Twilight kept it steady in her magic. "What exactly am I supposed to be looking at...? Wait, what is that?"
As she shared a similar expression, Twilight looked up into the sky where she could see the barest hints of a shooting star as it began to burn. "... I had been hoping that you could tell me..."
Andrew narrowed his eyes and focused intently. Twilight took hold of the telescope with her magic and guided it with more precision than the human’s clumsy hands could have managed. The shooting star burned brightly, brighter and brighter, slowing almost imperceptibly. The light began to die, but the object continued on a directed course across the sky.
“It seems to be shifting its mass,” Twilight concluded, doing a number of calculations. “Like it’s under piloted… Control…” She slowly looked over at Shepherd. His eyes widened, as realization hit him.
“Oh… Snap,” he muttered. “Can you trace the course?”
“I can guess,” Twilight said grimly. “It’s headed for the Everfree Forest.”
“Tell Princess Celestia immediately, and begin work on plans for non-hostile first contact!” Twilight declared dramatically. She looked over at Shepherd and smiled.
“As for you… You can begin work on the hostile first contact plans.”
Shepherd rolled his eyes.
“You know, your species also repelled an alien invasion. Not sure why everyone keeps building me up into some kind of memetic badass.”
“True, but you are the violent crazy monkeys who rode a space warship powered by nuclear bombs,” Twilight said with a wry smile. Shepherd sighed.
“Never going to live that down, am I? Even though I had nothing to do with it. And they might not know about us.”
“True, but if they do, it always helps to have a trump card,” Twilight said with a sage nod.
“Fine, but if they freak out more at talking ponies than me, you owe me,” Shepherd said. Twilight sighed.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - - And now, for the Christmas episode… In two parts. - - - - - -
Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, looked up from her bee hives with a bemused expression. They were kept warm with magic during the winter, but she still tended them visually every day.
"You want to know about what?"
"Christmas," Applebloom said eagerly, speaking for the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "Shepherd is unhappy about being away from home, since Christmas is a big deal for him-"
"And we want to make a surprise for him, but we need to know all the details!" Scootaloo said, leaning eagerly on her scooter handlebars. Sweetie nodded in affirmation.
"Mmhm! He told us the basic story, but since you were a human for a while, we thought you could fill us in!"
Chrysalis sighed and shook her head. She checked on her bees-Nope, nothing that needed doing for a while. She briefly thought about just ignoring these three... And grimaced as she remembered the last time she tried that.
"It is a long, complicated story," Chrysalis said. The Crusaders beamed back at her.
"We have time!" They said. The Changeling Queen groaned, and sat down on her haunches. The fillies followed suit.
"All right... It starts, actually, with what most humans consider to be the beginning of their world and race," Chrysalis began. "In the beginning, the God of humans-"
"Like their Princess, right?" Asked Sweetie Belle. Chrysalis nodded.
"Yes, but far more twisted," Chrysalis stated. "Anyway, their God created their homeworld Earth, and everything else. He then created humans, and put them in a paradise called 'Eden'. Here, they could freely live, talk with God whenever they wanted, and just be happy. Not too dissimilar from how things are here, with you ponies."
"So what happened?" Scootaloo asked. Chrysalis smirked a bit.
"The condition they had of living in Eden was to never eat the fruit of a magic tree that would give them the same knowledge as God, but not the wisdom of how to use it effectively. That's it. All they had to do was not eat from one tree in all of Eden. And guess what they did?"
The fillies looked at one another, and back to the storyteller. "They... Ate it?" Asked Applebloom. Chrysalis snorted.
"Of course they ate it! You tell a human that they could live a life of ease and fulfillment, and what do they do? They do the exact opposite!" She shook her head. "To be fair, a former servant of God called Lucifer helped to trick them into it, because he wanted revenge on God for firing him. But they still made the choice, and thus they had to leave Eden and go and toil. They couldn't even know for sure if God was real: It was their choice!" She huffed. "And for the most part, when they died they would go to Hell."
"Hell?" Asked Scootaloo.
"Tartarus, but far worse," explained Chrysalis. "They would be tortured forever by Lucifer, who was so bitter towards being fired by God he wanted to corrupt and pervert and torture the very thing God had made. What I'm saying is that Lucifer is a far more petty villain than I am."
"Woah," Sweetie Belle muttered. Chrysalis glared at her, and the unicorn filly blushed. "Sorry!"
"Anyway, their God figured out what kind of idiots he had actually created. And being a rather clever God, he came up with a plan."
"What kind of plan?" Asked Scootaloo, flapping her wings a bit.
"He decided that he would walk among the humans and teach them directly," Chrysalis said, "and then die for their sins to appease Satan."
"But... How can a god die?" Asked Applebloom. Chrysalis smirked.
"If he lets himself get killed by his own creation, of course!"
The three fillies gaped in astonishment. Scootaloo stuttered out, "Wh-What?"
"Yes," Chrysalis said with a nod. "God knew that humans would never grow in wisdom in using the knowledge that they had taken from him if he just stuck around. They wouldn't accept it, and despite everything God respected his creation. So! He would teach the humans the start of the wisdom they would need to use this knowledge effectively, but do it in a way that would make them kill him."
"... His plan was to make the people he was trying to save... Kill him?" Asked Sweetie Belle in disbelief. Chrysalis nodded.
"Humans are capable of great love. I should know-I wanted to feed on them. But they are fierce, untamed beings with a power they wildly abuse! So since their God knew this about them, his plan makes perfect sense. He would become a human, by the name of Jesus, and teach them wisdom. And be killed for it, and sent to Hell."
"Wait... Then what?" Applebloom asked with a scowl. "That's it? That's all?"
Chrysalis smirked, and chuckled. She did have a love of the theatrical, after all. "No... For you see, God was even more clever than that. Lucifer was gloating over having the Son of God-"
"Wait, Son of God? Isn't he God though?" Asked Scootaloo, now a bit confused. Chrysalis shrugged.
"I believe he just called Jesus his son to make it easier for humans to understand it. Their God apparently has a hive mentality, able to exist as multiple beings but with the same mind and so on. Humans can't do that, so he just said he was God's son."
"Ohhh," the Crusaders said, nodding as one. "Okay!"
"Anyway, Lucifer was gloating over having God in Hell, thinking he'd won," Chrysalis said, "but Jesus just kind of smiled and said 'I am not locked in here with you. You are locked in here with me.' And he proceeded to use his power to break free and liberate all the souls in Hell to escape."
The three fillies were awestuck. Sweetie Belle grinned.
"Oh! I get it! Because humans were so destructive, God must have taken human form to get into Hell where he could use HIS power and humanity's power at the same time!"
"Exactly," Chrysalis said with a nod, smiling approvingly. She was a bright filly, Chrysalis had to give her that. "That tendency of humans to come up with utterly insane plans that work? That's what Jesus used. So anyway, Jesus liberated Hell, brought the souls up to Heaven, and returned to Earth to tell his followers he'd beaten death, kicked Lucifer's plot, and that by following his example they wouldn't have to go to Hell. So that they could gain the wisdom to use their power responsibly. Some would still go to Hell, but eventually God would liberate them too and bring them back to Heaven, when humanity had finally proven they could use their power as well as God."
Chrysalis sighed. "Then the descendants of those leaders left out the part about God liberating all souls from Hell anyway, and then another group of humans wrote fanfiction about a prophet who came after Jesus who was the real deal and that caused a lot of trouble for everyone... Then those following God split into different sects based on tiny differences in interpretation, other humans who think God is several Gods but wants to spread the same kind of wisdom, a lot of humans who pretend there is no God but act just the same..." The Changeling sighed and rubbed her temples.
"Frankly, I can only imagine God was expecting this." She shook her head. "He probably has a plan to fix this too... Which humans will screw up. Again."
The Crusaders hummed. "Still," Scootaloo said, "I think that makes it a lot easier to make into a play."
"Yeah!" Said Sweetie Belle happily. "And it's exciting enough everypony will love it!"
"And Andrew'll be happy!" Applebloom said.
Chrysalis briefly considered telling the three Crusaders that humans could be touchy when it came to their Gods and interpretations of them... But frankly, the prospect of getting one over on the human was too attractive to ignore.
"And I can even help you," Chrysalis said, with a wicked smirk.
"ALL RIGHT!" The Cutie Mark Crusaders crowed, "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CHRISTMAS PLAYERS-YAY!"
"Yay, indeed," the Changeling queen chuckled.
- - - - - -
"Come on Shepherd, no long face!" Dash said, flapping her wings as she hovered alongside yours truly, the only Human in Equestria. I sighed and rubbed the back of my head, as I joined the stream of ponies heading to the community theater.
"I dunno... I'm not feeling particularly enthused," I said. Twilight and Fluttershy trotted on either side of me, as the rest of the Holders of Harmony made their way in the same group. Pinkie was bouncing about, flitting from place to place like an overactive electron though, but she was at least in a similar orbit.
Haha, physics joke.
"Come on... Applebloom put her heart 'n soul into this," Applejack said. Twilight smiled.
"Yes! The Cutie Mark Crusaders actually asked us all for some help on this project," Twilight said. I frowned deeply, wracking my head to think of any meetings with the three Fillies of doom...
"All of you?" I asked. Fluttershy frowned.
"Yes... They didn't ask you?"
"No," I said, grimacing a bit. "Did I... Upset them or anything?"
"Now now dear, fillies can be very fickle," Rarity advised. "And we've all been busy. After all, who was it who was helping Smokestack restore that automobile?"
"Me," I said flatly. I sighed. "I still feel bad about it."
"Well! Now you're at the play, and you can sooth your conscience," Dash said with a nod and a smile.
"Besides... They were doing it for you," Twilight intimated with a knowing smile. I blinked at her, and raised an eyebrow as we took our seats near the front.
"For me? What kind of show is this-?"
"We would enjoy your silence, please!" Cheerilee called out from the stage. The crowd settled down, and I turned my gaze to the dark pink pony teacher. She smiled down at us.
"This year's Hearth's Warming Eve is a little different. We are telling a story of a similar holiday, from a far away world," she spoke. "One with different players, and different context... But the same spirit. Thanks to information supplied by Princess Celestia, and Chrysalis, I give you," and Cheerilee pulled away with a smile as the curtains opened, "the Equestria Elementary School Christmas Pageant!"
I could feel Twilight and Fluttershy hold my hands with their hooves. I guess I looked like I needed it, since my jaw had fallen to the ground. A cardboard cutout of the Earth, with a backdrop of cheap stars made out of lights, appeared as the curtains parted. One of the colts from the school, Snips I think, trotted out wearing a beard and a red robe, as well as a fake crown, and wings to compliment his unicorn horn. He rose his hooves up, and cleared his throat.
"I. Am. God!" He announced. "The First, and the Last! The Alpha, and the Amiga! The Creator of MAN!" He paused. "AND WOMAN!"
His horn lit up, and much to my shock two humans floated onto stage. It took me a second, but I realized that they were a transformed Sweetie Belle (who looked like she was around fourteen), and the colt always playing video games called Button Mash. They were dressed in green outfits, with tall pointed red hats.
"Er..." I said, blinking. Cheerilee shot me a deadly look, and I kept my mouth shut. Sweetie Belle smiled, and took Button Mash's hand. He blushed a bit... Which he stopped doing when I shot him a glare.
Huh. That was weird.
"We are Adam and Eve," said Sweetie Belle. "What do you want us to do, God?"
"Simple!" Snips cried. "You shall be fruitful, and multiply, and live in friendship and harmony!"
At that moment, a human-form Chrysalis came out. Rather than her usual slinky dress, she was dressed in a red and black suit with a fedora. She smirked at me, before clearing her throat and looking at Sweetie Belle and Button Mash with a scowl.
"Ever since He began this project, God's been slacking. God hasn't given me the respect I deserve," she said with a growl. "And now he wants to replace us with a bunch of mortals? No way!"
"You may live in Eden, my kingdom," said Snips, as a tree sprouted into being. "And you may enjoy everything... Except that tree's fruit."
"Why not that tree?" Asked Button Mash, poking it. God shook his head.
"If you eat of it, you shall gain the capacity for my power... But you would lack the wisdom to wield it! One day, you will be ready... But not yet. Trust me to tell you when you are," God said. "Now, I need to go cut a ribbon somewhere!" He trotted off stage, as Sweetie Belle and Button Mash danced. Chrysalis smirked.
"Jackpot," she said. She turned herself into a lookalike for Galadriel, mixed with Mrs. Claus, and walked up. "Hello Adam and Eve!"
"Hi Satan!" They said cheerfully.
"Say... What was that God said about the Tree and not eating it?" Chrysalis asked. Button Mash frowned.
"Well, God said we weren't ready."
"And he'd tell us when," said Sweetie Belle. Chrysalis snorted.
"Oh please, what does he Know? I'm almost as old as he is, and I think you can handle it!" Chrysalis said cheerfully. "Come on... What could it hurt?"
"Well," Button Mash said. Sweetie Belle huffed.
"Come on! You want to wait around forever?" She took one of the fruits, and ate it. Button Mash took another, and bit in too. They then grinned.
"Hey... E = MC^2!" Button Mash cried.
"The universe is composed of quanta... Ooh! Let's put this to use!" They turned, and with some supplied provided by Chrysalis, they soon constructed rocket launchers. They grinned.
"WOO! KNOWLEDGE IS AWESOME! KNOWLEDGE IS AWESOME-!"
KABOOM!
The explosion was just fireworks, but it still nearly sent me off the bench. When the smoke cleared, Button Mash and Sweetie Belle were in ragged clothes barely preserving their modesty, as Chrysalis cackled.
"Ahahahaha! Now Eden is nuked, and God is going to toss these fools out! Bwahahahaha!"
Snips walked back, and frowned. "Guys? Did you eat of the tree?"
"Well," the two muttered, embarrassed.
"And did you blow up the garden?" Snips pressed. Button Mash pointed at Sweetie Belle.
"She did it first!"
"Traitor!" Sweetie Belle yelled, smacking him. She pointed at Chrysalis. "She told us it was okay!"
"Hahahaha! Eat it, God! Your beloved monkeys have blown themselves up! And they will continue to do so, forever and ever!" Chrysalis cackled. "Who's your number one guy now,asshole?!"
Snips sighed, and rubbed his chin. "This is bad... They have the power, but not the wisdom... They can't stay here..." Snips smiled. "And I... Just had an idea." He turned to Sweetie Belle and Button Mash. "Listen! You guys go out, be fruitful and multiply anyway! Maybe it'll all work out?"
"Okay! Nothing can possibly go wrong with this!" Sweetie Belle said cheerfully.
"Yeah! Let's build more nukes!" Button Mash cheered... As Chrysalis continued to laugh herself sick.
And me? Well... I had my head in my hands and I didn't think I'd be looking up if it wasn't for Twilight forcing me to watch.
But this was just the start. So much more was to come...
- - - - - -
"And so," Cheerilee read, as the curtains closed, "the human went out to claim dominion over the Earth... Which brought about terror, destruction, death, and other horrible things."
The curtains opened, and Applebloom and Snails, in human form, were fighting with swords.
"Ugh! My empire! Mine!" Yelled Snails.
"No! MY empire!" Applebloom shouted. They moved off, and a few more colts and fillies pushed a platform onto it. Applebloom laid down on it, as Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle stood over her.
"We will sacrifice you to the gods, so that they will show us pity!" Scootaloo bellowed.
"Yeah!"
"Wait, what makes you think the Gods would accept me dying as something for-ACK! I AM DEAD!" Applebloom shouted, as the plastic sword stabbed her "to death". They ran off, and Button Mash and Rumble walked on. Button Mash was dressed in robes, and Rumble in a soldier's outfit.
"Can't we just try to get along?" Button Mash asked. Rumble scowled.
"Neverrrr!" He bellowed, clearly hamming it up as much as possible, before he hit Button Mash over the head with his sword. He fell, before the curtains closed.
"God tried so many things... Over and over," Cheerilee explained, "but nothing was working."
The curtains opened again, and it showed Snails as God, sitting in a chair and looking depressed. Chrysalis, back as the Devil, was still laughing at him.
"I told you! I told you! And I am bringing every soul down to Hell! Your high standards, bah! What good has it done you?"
"There is still good, you know," Snails said. "Still those who resist you!"
"Ha! How can they resist you when you said you'd let them choose? Free will? HAHAHAHAHA! Please! That's ridiculous," Chrysalis sniffed. "Seriously, why give these stupid apes-"
"AHEM," I growled. Chrysalis huffed.
"These stupid apes free will? You might as well have given them a big shiny red button to press and told them, 'don't press it!'"
"Perhaps," Snails agreed. He then smiled. "Maybe the key... Is not to tell them, but to make them think they arrived at the right conclusion themselves."
"Ha! What are you going to do?" Chrysalis sniffed. "Eventually, I shall have them all! And storm the gates of Heaven! And rule all of creation!"
"Huh. Well... Guess I'll lose!" Said Snails. "But I'm gonna try one more thing."
"And what is that?" Chrysalis sniffed.
"I shall send my son to Earth, to teach people to be nice to one another," Snails said.
"... They'll just kill him, you idiot!" Chrysalis snorted.
"Yes. Exactly," Snails said. Chrysalis gaped.
"... Are you crazy?! You want to do my job for me?"
"Yep!" Snails said cheerfully. Chrysalis stared.
"Uh... Okay...?" She shook her head. "Made in His image, indeed..."
The curtains closed. Cheerilee cleared her throat.
"And so, God decided he would have to get someone to bare his son for him. So he found a virgin woman named Mary, in a city called Nazareth."
By this point I was desperate for some booze. Alas, Dash was hogging the hard cider. I rubbed my cheeks and groaned.
"Oh boy..."
The curtains opened, and the fillies and colts had rearranged the stage. It was now a cheerful house, with a human form Diamond Tiara sitting at the table and looking snooty. The door exploded, and Rumble entered in elaborate purple and green armor with bright glowing wings. Diamond Tiara yelped.
"Hey! What the heck are you doing in my house?"
"I am Michael! Angel of God!" Rumble yelled. "And I want YOU to have God's son! So he can come to Earth, and save humanity from their own evil and stupidity!"
"Well... We can probably save them from one of those things," Diamond Tiara said. I could see Chrysalis snickering, and I rolled my eyes. "But how can this be? I'm a virgin! I've never... You know...!"
"Magic, of course! How else?" Rumble asked. "And then your son will die."
"What?! Die?!" Diamond yelped, covering her stomach. "What do you mean, die?!"
"He'll get better," Rumble said quickly. "And he'll save the world, too."
"Well... I suppose if he is going to come back, and he is God's son... All right," Diamond Tiara said with a nod. "But my fiance is going to take some convincing..."
"Don't worry, I'll tell him too," Rumble said. "He's going to love this."
"I'm going to love what?" Asked Featherweight, flying in. Diamond gasped.
"Joseph! We're having a baby, the son of God-"
"Stop stepping over my lines!" Rumble hissed. Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes and hugged Featherweight.
"See? Angel of God right here!"
"Oh... Well, that's good. So, do we get anything?" Featherweight asked.
"Is not the full POWER OF GOD, with LEGIONS of superpowered ANGELS who could annihilate ALL OPPOSITION, not enough?" Asked Rumble, again hamming it up. Diamond Tiara scowled.
"Unless they're going to take me shopping, no..."
"Ahem," Cheerilee coughed. "But of course, seeing how Mary was a virtuous woman, and Joseph a virtuous man, they decided to do it and raise the boy as their son. In order to save the world."
Diamond Tiara and Featherweight got dragged off, while Rumble ascended with another explosion. The curtains shut, and I groaned.
"It isn't that bad, is it?" Twilight asked.
"... No, but I get the feeling things are going to get worse," I admitted.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - -
The curtain opened again, and what looked like Truffle Shuffle, in human form, strode onto stage in armor that looked like it had been torn from Jack Kirby's designs. It didn't fit properly, as his large belly poking from between the gaps in the vest showed. He hummed and rubbed his chubby cheek.
"I, the Emperor of Man, am bored!" He cried. "I want to know how much I've conquered! How can I do that?" He grinned, and pumped his fists. "Of course! I'll call for a census! All the world must go to their hometown and be counted, and so I'll know how much more to tax them!"
Chrysalis poked her head from offstage, smirking. "He learns so well," she sighed, before the curtain shut again.
"That costume looked expensive! How many scenes is it in?" Asked Pinkie Pie. Rarity shrugged.
"Oh, three or four..." She said. Pinkie Pie nodded.
"Looks good!"
"I'm going to get her for this," I muttered. "I am going to nuke the hell out of her..."
"Oh come on Andrew! Wait until the play is over to plot vengeance," Twilight huffed.
"You're the one telling me I need to stop procrastinating!" I protested in a harsh whisper, as the curtain opened again. A bored looking sheep came out, being led by Featherweight as Joseph. And atop his back sat Diamond Tiara, with a pillow under her dress. Cheerilee resumed her narration.
"And so, Joseph and Mary had to travel to a town called Bethlehem, while Mary was heavily pregnant. And when they arrived..."
"No room!" Applebloom cried, holding a hand up. "Not in any of the hotels!"
"Oh come on, we've come so far!" Diamond Tiara whined. "I'll even settle for one star!"
"Sorry, best we can do is a barn," Applebloom said. Diamond growled.
"A BARN?! But-But the son of God is going to be born and you had better not-!"
"Barn will be fine," Featherweight said quickly.
"That's not what I said!" Diamond Tiara growled. "You want your son born in a mangy old barn?!"
"It's the barn, or you sleep outside in the cold winter," said Applebloom with a scowl. Diamond Tiara changed her facial expression, forcing a smile.
"Barn... Barn will be fine! Just as my dear husband said," Diamond Tiara said quickly. Applebloom nodded, and unicorn telekinesis brought out several props, including a manger. Diamond Tiara leaned back on her back, and groaned as Featherweight kneeled in front of her.
"And so, Mary and Joseph had to stay in the barn," Cheerilee said, "and by and by, she gave birth to her son."
"Ohhhh Celestia's wings this hurrrts! God is a jerrrrrrk! Ohhhhhh!" Diamond Tiara wailed. "Arrrrrgh!"
"Come on Dia-Er, Mary! Just a little further, come on!" Cried Featherweight. Out of a trap door, a white garbed figure climbed up under Diamond Tiara's dress. Featherweight pulled on this figure, and fell over as the figure leaped out. "Oof! Oh... Uh... Good work honey," he said quickly.
"Just put him into the manger," Diamond Tiara growled. "Useless stallion!"
The figure, still clothed in white, was settled into the manger. Diamond, at some prodding from Featherweight, smiled down at the baby.
"Oh... What a beautiful baby... But what shall we name him?"
"Jesus, right?" Asked Featherweight. Diamond scowled, and he shrugged. "It... It is was the angel told us to name him."
"No it isn't," Twilight muttered, "they skipped that line!"
"Very well," Diamond said with a smile. "I welcome you to Earth... Jesus." She pulled the white cloth off, and a human form Pipsqueak smiled out. He looked rather handsome and developed for a kid who had ostensibly been born only a year or two go. Then again, ponies did grow up a lot faster.
And I was not jealous of a teenager's six pack. I was not.
"Goo," he said, making me laugh a bit. He was in teenaged form, after all-And in a too smaller manger. It was funny, and I wasn't the only one who laughed.
"He is born!" Rumble cried, appearing as an angel. He held out a silver Christian Fish symbol, and handed it to Featherweight. "Give this to him when he is old enough."
"We will," said Diamond Tiara, snatching the icon from Featherweight. Featherweight just sighed, as the Angel Rumble walked off.
"And so was born Jesus of Nazareth, and this was only the beginning of his adventure," Cheerilee said. The curtains shut, and much was done behind the curtains. It parted, and Pipsqueak was now in proper white robes. "For as he grew, he learned of the incredible powers he possessed, above all other men!"
"Oh God," I mumbled.
"No, that's Jesus," Pinkie said.
"Faster than a speeding bullet!" Cheerilee cried, and Pipsqueak ran furiously. "More powerful than a locomotive!" A cardboard cutout of a train that looked like it might have belonged in the Bronze Age came on, with accompanying sound effects. Pipsqueak lifted the cutout over his head, and tossed it off stage. "Able to raise the dead with a single word!"
Applebloom and Scootaloo carried Rumble out. Rumble appeared dead. Pipsqueak turned and smiled.
"Wake up!" He commanded. Rumble opened his eyes, and leaped up.
"Wow! This is amazing! I'm going to go back to my extreme bungie jumping right away!" He cried, running off as Applebloom, Scootaloo and Pipsqueak laughed.
"Yes," Cheerilee said, "Jesus of Nazareth was powerful indeed. But by and by, he began to question his origins."
Diamond Tiara and Featherweight, both wearing grey beards, wandered onto the stage as Applebloom and Scootaloo left. Pipsqueak turned to them, and frowned.
"Mother, father, who am I? I have such incredible powers. Where do I come from?"
"You must go out into the desert, my son, and find yourself," Diamond Tiara said. "For only you can learn the truth for yourself!" She raised her arms up, weeping melodramatically. "Oh! My son! My innocent son! Such a terrible fate you have!"
"Would you stop running over my lines?" Hissed Featherweight. Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes.
"I am trying to improve this play, don't you-!"
"Uh, mother? Isn't there something you need to give me?" Pipsqueak asked. Diamond Tiara rubbed her cheek, scowled, but pulled out the fish icon. She handed it to Pipsqueak.
"Take this, my son. And you will learn who you are... And why you have come," she said earnestly. Pipsqueak smiled, and hugged her.
"Thank you mother... And Father," Pipsqueak said, hugging him too. "I'm off!"
- - - - - - -
Another scene transition, and Pipsqueak was walking in front of a desert background. Dinky Hooves, also in human form, walked from the other side, muttering.
"Ah? Hello, are you all right?" Pipsqueak asked.
"Nooo... I am Legion... We are... Many!" Dinky cried, holding her hands to her cheeks. She swooned, before tentacles sprang out of her back and tried to grab Pipsqueak. He backed up, and held up the fish pendant. It turned into a glowing saber of light, and he swung it at the tentacles. He fought a truly dramatic battle, cutting off tentacles before he slammed his open palm into Dinky's chest. A burst of light later, and Dinky fell back as a paper mache puppet waved its tentacles.
"Nooo... Spare us, son of God!" The demon cried (in what was obviously Cheerilee's dubbed voice).
"You call me the Son of God? Why? You know me?" Pipsqueak asked. He pointed the sword at the paper mache creature, as Dinky slowly got up. She walked over and stood next to Pipsqueak, holding his arm in concern.
"Yes... Allow us to go somewhere else! Into a herd of pigs! And we will bother no one ever again!"
"You had better not," growled Pipsqueak. "Well! Go then! Go!"
The papermache demon burst into flames, and burned away into ashes that were blown away by a fan. Dinky stared in amazement at Pipsqueak.
"Wow... Thank you!" She said happily. Pipsqueak smiled and rubbed the back of his head.
"I... I didn't know I could do that," he admitted.
"I'm Mary Magdalene. What is your name?" She asked. Pipsqueak sighed.
"I'm Jesus of Nazareth... And I'm trying to figure out who I am, and what I'm doing here."
"Those demons called you the Son of God," said Dinky, humming. "And you could wield that power..."
"You know everything I do right now!" Pipsqueak said, exasperated. Dinky huffed.
"You don't have to be rude!"
"Rude? I just saved you from a legion of demons!" Pipsqueak protested.
"You could still be polite, you know," Dinky said. "I mean, for a Son of God, you don't have a lot of manners."
"This is just kind of new to me, all right?" Pipsqueak grumbled. "I'm sorry."
"... I'm sorry," Dinky said, squeezing Pipsqueak's hand. "I mean... I'm really grateful. I just don't know how to deal with all this. And it looks like you aren't, either."
"No," sighed Pipsqueak. He held out the pendant, and studied it. "I don't even know what to do with this thing..."
"Well... What do you feel like doing with it?" Dinky asked.
Pipsqueak looked around, and then tossed the fish pendant to the stage floor. It glowed, and from behind a cardboard desert temple rose. Snails, now wearing the garb of the Emperor (but painted white) appeared, as did Chrysalis in a red silky dress. Dinky squeaked, and held Pipsqueak's hand. I had to admit, it was rather cute. I could see Ditzy Doo Hooves in the audience wearing that speculative Mom smile.
"My son, before you are two paths," Snails intoned. "For you are the Son of God, and can bring them out of the darkness."
"Bah! Who wants to bring light? Boring!" Chrysalis sniffed. "Come on! I can give you everything you could ever want! Dominion over the universe! Just bow down to me!"
"They can be a great people, Jesus. They only need a guiding light. For that reason have I sent you, my only son," said Snails, in just as dramatic a tone as before. Pipsqueak rubbed his chin.
"If you follow his path, you'll die," Chrysalis sniffed. "And I'll get you anyway!"
"Yes," Snails said. "You will die, my son... But you will save us all."
"Pfft, yeah right," Chrysalis snorted. She sidled up to him. "Come onnnn... You know you want to sacrifice and rule over these pitiful mortals with your incredible power! Just one word, and I'll let you do it. One word...!" She eyed Dinky. "And love, too."
Dinky blushed, and then huffed. "We just met!"
"So? Son of God, rule over all the Earth... Convince him to serve me, and you'll have it all!"
Dinky turned to Snails. "And you, God? Life is hard. has been hard ever since I was born... You know all, and see all, but what do you do?"
"If I do everything, then you are just children," Snails said grimly. "If I do nothing though, you will fall. My son is among you, and has all the choices you have... And would you trust a being who would impart demons to everyone if she got her way?"
Chrysalis made a face. "That was just one time!"
Dinky looked to Pipsqueak. "Jesus... What do you want to do?"
Pipsqueak frowned. He squeezed Dinky's hand. And finally, he smiled.
"Father... I think I want to try to do good, in your name. I can't do it alone though."
"You will not have to," Snails said. Chrysalis huffed, and glared at Dinky and Pipsqueak.
"You're only going to stick with her when she sprouts, you know," Chrysalis sniffed, turning and stalking out. Snails left too, and Pipsqueak and Dinky looked at each other.
"Well... Welcome to Earth, Jesus," said Dinky with a smile. "What do we do first?"
"First...? I think it's time to gather up some... Disciples," Pipqueak intoned dramatically.
"... What?" Asked Dinky.
"You know. A ragtag band to help us save the world," Pipsqueak insisted.
"Oh! Let's do that, then!" Dinky said. Pipsqueak raised the pendant over his head, and called out in a strong voice:
"For I am the Voice in the Wilderness! The Prince of Peace! And the Terror that flaps in the night! JESUS CHRIST!"
The pendant glowed brightly, and I felt my headache get far worse.
"Please tell me there's an intermission soon," I begged Twilight. She referred to her program, and shook her head.
"No. Why?"
"Because I have to kill Chrysalis and the Cutie Mark Crusaders for this," I said. Twilight scowled.
"Andrew Eugene Shepherd! No murdering of fillies!"
"What about Chrysalis-"
"Or friendship interns!"
"Yeah, you have to see the rest of the play first," snickered Dash.
- - - - - - -
"And so, Jesus Christ did gather his group of Disciples to go across the land of Palestine, righting wrongs and bringing hope to all," said Cheerilee, narrating as the kids ran across the stage and did various things. Prop swords, prop wands, prop fishing harpoons-They were all deployed as they went through numerous skits somewhat based on stories out of the Bible. And out of Batman. And Captain America. And Bleach. And Power Rangers. And Evangelion, and...
"Twilight, please summon me some booze," I begged. "Please, for the love of god just get me some booze."
"Andrew!" Twilight admonished. "Come now, it can't be that bad!"
"Dash? You must have some cider, gimme," I said with a scowl. Dash scowled back.
"What makes you think I'd have any?! I finished it all!"
"Yeah, she'd never share any," Applejack said wryly. "Why not ask me fer some?"
"What's the price?" I asked intently. Applejack smirked, and licked her lips.
"Well, a bit o' human loving would be nice. How about it, Fluttershy? Twilight? You up fer three?"
"Agree with her. For the love of God," I muttered to Twilight. The purple unicorn blushed hard. Fluttershy blushed as well. And indeed, Applejack's cheeks soon matched them.
"Wh-what?! Andrew, come on! Stop joking around!" Twilight insisted.
"I don't know Twilight, I-I wouldn't mind," Fluttershy admitted.
"But eventually," Cheerilee said, her microphone carrying her voice clearly, "the powers that be were offended by what Jesus was doing. And so, Jesus was arrested by his best friend, Judas Iscariot."
Snails, in a police uniform, ushered Pipsqueak into a room in front of Rumble, who was rocking his beard again.
"Come on Jesus, you know what would happen," Judas said. "I'm just doing my job: I'm only making thirty silver pieces an hour, you know."
"I know Judas," Jesus said with a sigh. "I forgive you, man."
"I know," Judas grimaced. "Doesn't make me feel any better."
"OI! JESUS OF NAZARETH!" Shouted Rumble. "I am Pilate, servant of the Emperor of Mankind! You have been accused of blasphemy, claiming you are in fact God! The Messiah, etc, etc... You deny this?"
"Come on man, don't say anything," Snails said, "we can get you off on a technicality. Just plead insanity."
"No," Pipsqueak said. He stepped forward. "I am the son of God, the messiah, here to save mankind. The Last Son of God."
"Then you admit it?!" Snails cried. Pipsqueak nodded. "Then you will surely die!"
Snails facepalmed. "Damnit..."
The curtain closed, and reopened-Pipsqueak was tied onto a cross, and lifted up as Dinky cried nearby.
"And so Jesus was killed by crucifixion, a horrific way to die," Cheerilee explained. I noticed she was flipping through the script a bit faster-Clearly, they had to rush through the last act. Perfect...
Chrysalis walked up, shaking her head and chuckling.
"Should have taken my advice, kid," she cackled. She smirked at Dinky. "Now your boyfriend's going to die, and he'll be mine! Unless he joins me! Either way, I WIN!"
Dinky sobbed. "You... You monster!"
"Well, I am Satan," Chrysalis snorted. "What do you think I'm gonna do? Comfort you?"
"Father, forgive them, they know not what they do," Pipsqueak cried. He then slumped. "AHHHHHH! It... Is done...!" And he fell limp, as Dinky sobbed loudly. Chrysalis cackled, and snapped her fingers. The backdrop became fiery and red, as Dinky moved off stage. The rest of the cast appeared, in red robes, wailing as Chrysalis laughed manically.
"Fool! You delivered yourself right into my hands! You might have kept a bargaining position if you'd come off that cross, become my lieutenant-But now! Now you are mine, ahahahahahaaha!"
Pipsqueak was dropped from the cross, and fell to all fours as the rest of the cast pelted him with trash. The colt then slowly stood up, and brushed off his tattered robes. He looked up and grinned.
"One problem with that, Satan," Pipsqueak said, "I'm not trapped in here with you. You are trapped in here..." And Pipsqueak began to glow brightly, "with me."
"Wait, what?" Chrysalis gasped, as the rest of the cast began to glow with holy power. Her eyes widened. "No! You didn't-!"
"Yes! I did! For you see, humans have a power greater than either of us combined! If you understood them, you would have harnessed it yourself," Pipsqueak said, as he formed a blazing sword from his fish pendant. "And all these humans you have taken? Are now free!" He swung the blade for Chrysalis, who cried out and burst into flames.
"NO! NOOOOOO!"
She vanished in a puff of smoke, and Pipsqueak held his sword over his head. Everyone else threw off their robes, and joined with him in a broad smile as radiant light filled the stage.
"There is nothing my power cannot cut!" He declared.
"HAIL CHRISTMAS!" The cast chorused, as the curtains slowly shut.
The audience was silent. I was silent too. Then, clopping filled the air. I looked around as all the ponies there began to applaud wildly, stamping their hooves on the ground or clopping their hooves together. Cheers and whistles were launched at the stage.
"YES! AMAZING!"
"That was incredible!" Twilight cried with a happy smile.
"WOO! GERONIMO! SITTING BULL!" Pinkie Pie yelled.
"Oh my... It was entertaining... Andrew? Are you all right?" Asked Fluttershy. I rubbed the back of my head.
"I... It was... Well..."
"Yes, that was my sister! Please, she will be signing autographs later!" Rarity chuckled, to several ponies around her. Applejack was whooping. Dash was just whistling, and hopping up and down like a maniac.
Everypony was... Happy. So happy...
It was utterly ridiculous and kind of sacrilegious and damnit I wanted to be mad. I wanted to be horrified. I wanted to...
And then the curtains opened. Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo stepped out, smiling broadly. They bowed at the cheers, but then raised their hands for quiet.
"This would not have been possible without the help of some very good friends," Applebloom announced. "First and foremost, our amazing cast!"
They waited for the applause to die down. Scootaloo grinned.
"The help of Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings!"
She came out next, and bowed with a smug smirk as the applause was a bit hesitant but still enthusiastic. Sweetie Belle smiled at me.
"And of course... Andrew Shepherd! The last human, who told us the story of Christmas, and inspired us to connect with his people! For despite the differences in our stories... There is still the same message: Love, friendship, and harmony!"
I was being pushed onstage, by several ponies (and Twilight's telekinesis). I stumbled out, in front of the crowd. I looked at the three Cutie Mark Crusaders-So happy and eager. I looked out at the crowd, breath held in anticipation. I saw Chrysalis smirk.
I sighed... And smiled.
"This... Is the best Christmas I can remember ever having," I said earnestly. "To know that ponies like you care about me? That... That will forgive anything. And always make me feel like part of your world, despite home being so far away."
I was engulfed in hugs by the squealing crusaders, as the crowd raised up a cacophony of cheers. I looked up at the starry sky, and saw a meteorite flashing high above. And unbidden came the old saying.
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night," I whispered, unshed tears in my eyes.
"Told you I knew what I was doing," Chrysalis muttered to the crusaders.
- - - - - - -
Powered by the sappiness of the Christmas Spirit. May your holidays be just as sappy and joyous.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - -
I'm thinking that maybe this recent plot arc is going to need some reworking. So prior to me yet again delaying the story to rework something (much to the exasperation of my readers), I'm going to try inserting Shepherd into a few more episodes and demonstrating the minor impact of his presence.
- - - - - -
Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000
"And so... Ah didn't learn a thing...!" Applejack proudly recited. She smiled over her mug of cider at me, as I stared at her in disbelief. "So, how's that?"
"... I can see why Spike decided that writing for you would have been ridiculous," I said dryly. "You do realize this technology would allow you to make much more cider? More profits? Less difficulty involved?"
"But-But the tried and true method-" Applejack protested, but I held up my hand.
"Don't you get it? Working with the Flim Flam Brothers is much better than competing with them," I said. "They need quality control and apples. You can use their speed to your advantage while retaining that part of you that matters-The hard work ethic!"
Applejack glared. "Why didn't you speak up about this during the contest then?!"
I glared back. "Because I got sucked into that damn thing and ended up in a barrel of cider."
Applejack flushed. "Oh yeah... Wait! Even after that, you still say-?"
"I said quality control, right?" I asked. "Duh!"
"Yer askin' for us to give up centuries of tradition fer-" Applejack began, but I scowled back.
"I'm not asking you to do that! I'm asking you to have some freaking common sense-!"
"COMMON SENSE?! YER THE ONE WHO'S LOST HIS COMMON SENSE!"
"You're the stubborn mule!" I snarled.
"HAIRLESS APE!" She growled back.
"APPLE SLAG!" I yelled.
"MONKEY SHINES!"
"Geez, just get a room already," Chrysalis commented, carrying a barrel of cider with the help of her little Changelings. Applejack turned bright red and swung around to retort... Catching me in the jaw with a hoof.
"HRK!"
"THAT IS NOT WHAT IS GOIN' ON HERE PRINCESS COCKROACH! AH... Oh my, Shepherd? Hey, you all right?!"
- - - - - -
Dear Princess Celestia,
Ah must admit, after rethinking things ah believe ah did learn somethin'. That mah pride is mah biggest fault, and sometimes it leads me to doin' rash things. Straightforward and honest ah may be, but it is that same approach that sometimes makes me like a train on a track-Even if ah'm goin' over a cliff.
So the real lesson here is, seein' business opportunities and the flaws in mah traditions, as well as the flaws in others, is no excuse to be foalish. It means ah gotta rise above it, and be smart. Ah found the Flim Flam Brothers again, and we worked out a deal: Now we're both profitin' like never before, though their take is smaller due to the uproar in the town over them. Ah am payin' them what they are owed though, for their machine. It's the honest thing to do.
Thank you,
Sincerely, Applejack
"So," Applejack said with a smile, looking over the railing of my hospital bed, "better?"
I very slowly nodded. "Mmph."
"And it was so nice of you to help pay for Shepherd's medical bills... Again," Twilight said, looking a bit annoyed. Applejack laughed a bit uneasily.
"Ah... Heh... Sorry..."
"It's like you're involved in domestic abuse with Shepherd!" Pinkie Pie said. "Always hurting the one you love the most!"
"Oh my... I don't remember that from my studies into humans," Fluttershy said. "Should I use more force, Andrew? Have I been doing something wrong? I mean, I can get a riding crop if you'd like..."
As Twilight frantically babbled explanations and Applejack covered her blushing face, I just sighed and looked up at the ceiling. I held out the letter to Spike, who took it and sent it on its way. The baby dragon patted my shoulder comfortingly.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - -
More slice of life shorts. Enjoy!
- - - -
So, the aftermath of my little misadventure out of the hospital got me put under house arrest. Nurse Redheart actually petitioned the Princesses to make me stop pushing myself, and for once they responded to her calls.
They actually visited me in my new home and very kindly and firmly told me that I was confined to my house until Nurse Redheart deemed me healed. And so, I was bandaged and forced to lay or sit down in my home. It wasn't entirely awful: My marefriends visited every day and we enjoyed various... Things.
Not just those things.
"You know, this information you've given me on Cargo Cults is fascinating," Twilight said as we lounged in the library. My marefriend had her head in my lap and I was stroking her mane. I chuckled and leaned back on the couch.
"Oh?"
She was flipping through the old book I'd dug out of the ancient human archives. "Yes... Association with food, supplies and so on... Thinking the planes were the source of it all. Based on a lack of understanding." She looked up at me. "It seems like humans have to use their creativity to fill in the gaps... When you don't have dieties."
"Sure we do," I said. "They're just more subtle."
Chrysalis, who was reading a book on beekeeping nearby, snorted derisively. "You humans and your gods," she huffed. "You used them to justify everything! Every victory, every set back, every little thing you blamed on your gods! Or thanked them for."
"Didn't seem to turn out badly," I observed. Chrysalis sniffed.
"So you would attribute your delusions of sky gods to your victory, rather than your inherent insanity?" Chrysalis snorted.
"You're just jealous that my gods kicked your gods' ass," I said flatly. The Changeling Queen rolled her eyes.
"We disposed of our gods long ago. They were more trouble than they were worth."
"You got that from Star Trek," I accused. Chrysalis looked affronted.
"I-I did not! How dare you say that!" She huffed. "In fact, I guarantee that my Changelings didn't let that pop culture nonsense corrupt them at all!"
"What's wrong with human popular culture?" Twilight asked. "Or our popular culture, for that matter?"
"Because it is for common consumption of the masses," Chrysalis snorted. "Inspiration churned out time and time again, cheap nonsense."
"And yet, that inspiration was a big part of what allowed humanity to beat you," Twilight said. "I think you're discounting it out of hoof because you don't want to admit it had something to do with your defeat."
Chrysalis's wings flared, and she snorted. Twilight just smiled, a bit nastily. The Changeling Queen growled.
"You're not the only one who can read emotions," Twilight said airily. Chrysalis snorted, and she flapped off downstairs.
"This from little miss Anal Retentive," Chrysalis short back. Twilight turned bright red. I blinked.
"Twilight? What's that-?"
"NOTHING!" Twilight said quickly. "J-Just talk about that-The cargo cult thing! Yes!"
I frowned. "All right... Well, the way it happened, as you said, was a false association... Causation does not imply correlation..."
"But in a world where all you have is faith, that's all you can rely on," Twilight said. "Phenomenology, I think it's called."
"Da da, da duh duh," I muttered. Twilight blinked.
"Huh?"
"Hm? Oh, just an old song," I said. I shook my head. "Though... I guess wonder how much the Changelings got from us. I mean, unconsciously."
"Because they feed on emotion, you think they might have absorbed... An aftertaste, so to speak?" Twilight suggested. I grinned.
"Exactly." I stroked her mane and she sighed. "You know, we connect so well it just amazes me sometimes how often we're on the same wavelength."
"Yeah," Twilight giggled. "So, what am I thinking right now?"
"What am I thinking right now?" I asked.
Twilight hummed.
- - - - - -
"All hail the great Atomic Apes!" A Changeling wearing a latex mask of Richard Nixon called, raising his hooves over his head. "HOMO SAPIENS IS HOMO SUPERIOR!"
"HALLELUIAH!" The assembled Changelings chanted, all wearing similar masks.
- - - - - - -
I stared at my marefriend. She stared back.
"That was-" I began.
"-Weird," Twilight finished.
We were silent for a bit longer.
"How long until Fluttershy gets back from her tour?" I asked.
"Three weeks," I sighed.
"Wonderful," Twilight mumbled.
"Turn down your incredulousness around the empath, won't you?" Chrysalis snorted.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Life is full of mysteries. Mysteries that range from “who took the last bit of coffee out of the pot and failed to refill it?” to “Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here? Where are you going?”
Yes, I am quoting Babylon 5. Yes, you should watch it. Especially in this day and age, after… Well, I’m getting ahead of myself.
I’m Andrew Eugene Shepherd. American, male, white, Christian: Your basic Tumblr trigger warning. I am twenty-six years old. I have a degree in archaeology and history from the University of Denver, and plenty of experience in odd jobs ranging from solar power sales to librarian, to children’s teacher and apprentice carpenter. Getting a full time job as an archaeologist is tough without a Master’s degree, and since I’d gotten through college without having to take out any loans I wasn’t about to sink myself in debt now. So for the last few years I’ve bounced around numerous jobs, saving money, and living in the real world.
I have a mom who works as a medical librarian, and a dad who works as a nuclear engineer. And a brother who is just a whole mess of things but finally settled on doctorate in mathematics. Not to mention a large family of various, messily connected relatives in the Southern United States. A family lineage that goes back well past the American Revolutionary War. A history that has family involved in many, many wars before and after. This is important, but not for the reasons you might think.
Despite what you may have heard, Earth in the 21st century is not a raging hellhole of death and destruction. Overall, this is the most peaceful time in the history of the human race. Nuclear weapons made the kinds of conflicts that would mow down whole swaths of continents untenable, so now we must fight with ideas, economics, and spoiled celebrities. The news plays up the drama because they need the views.
My own individual life wasn’t terrible. Sure, I had good days and bad. Sure, I was still stuck at home, trying to muddle my way into adulthood. Sure, I hadn’t had a girlfriend for much longer than a year. And sure, I was going silver a bit early.
Okay fine: Gray early, but I will refer to myself as silver because that’s my preference. So there.
The point is, in the grand scheme of things my life wasn’t too terrible. It was actually good in many ways. It wasn’t the kind of life you’d think you’d miss though. It isn’t the kind of thing you think you’d pine after, years after.
Then again… You aren’t me. Since you’re not going to be, I’ll do the next best thing. The thing every human just loves to do, no matter how much they might deny it.
I’ll tell you my story. Not the whole thing. Just the parts important to more than just me.
You need to understand something though: I never went into this to be a hero. I fantasized about it, sure. Who hasn’t? But most people just fantasize the fun parts of being a hero. Being a hero is like anything else about life:
You live it, with your own two hands.
- - - - -
The last day I had on Earth wasn’t particularly memorable. Which is a shame: The little details are all my brain has groped and scraped for. What did my sheets smell like as I slid into my bed? How did my posters and pictures shine in the setting sun through the bedroom window? What book did I last read? Was it ironic? Significant?
All I know is that one moment, I had closed my eyes, collapsing on my bed to take a nap after a long day’s work in my clothes… And the next, I was falling through the air.
I don’t remember what I said to this. I know it was long, inventive, and absolutely foul. Which is a shame, because it’s the kind of expletive I’d like to remember for future occasions. I do remember what I said when I slammed into something big, warm, furry, and somewhat cushiony. Not cushiony enough for the fall to be anything but painful.
“FUCK! DAMN! SHIT! BALLS! PUS SPEWING MOTHER EATING-!” I rolled off the hairy cushion, and collapsed into dirt and grass in an inelegant heap. “BALLS!” I groaned, as my wrist screamed in pain. I staggered up, a grinding, growling noise filling the background. I paid it little attention as I stumbled my way to a tree, and leaned up against it. I panted, grasping my wrist tightly. I grit my teeth and hissed my breath in a low whistle.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, ow ow ow ow ow…!”
The growling got louder. A small part of my brain insisted this was important. Vitally important. I didn’t pay it much attention, as I tried to figure out where I was.
It was… A forest. Underneath a bright blue sky, and a gorgeous sun shining high overhead. There were mountains far off in the distance, but nothing like the mountains back home. The air was filled with the buzzing of insects and the calls of birds. Something big, warm and musky smelling was growling behind me.
Oh yeah. That thing.
I looked over my shoulder. It was big. It was red and yellow. It had big sharp teeth. It had massive jaws and paws with claws. It stood taller than a grizzly bear, and had folded, bat-like wings poking out from behind its furry mane.
The thing’s eyes zeroed on me, wide in anger and pain.
I blinked. I blinked again.
“... Um... “ I held my arms up and glared, my mind faintly remembering what to do when you meet a bear in the woods. “RAWR! BEAT IT! GO AWAY!”
The thing roared back, opening it’s gaping maw and showing off fangs longer than my fingers. I felt its hot breath, smelled blood on the wind. It opened its wings, unfurling them widely. In concert with its mane puffing up in all directions, it made my threat display seem like a purse dog yapping.
The thing stopped roaring. I was pretty sure I had bladder control at some point in my life, but that was a distant memory. All thoughts seemed to cease… Save one.
I punched the thing in the eye. It reared back and howled, putting its massive paws over its face. I turned, saw a fairly clear path through the forest, and I ran like a starving man for a turkey dinner on a cruise missile.
In hindsight? This was a preview of how things were going to be from now on…
- - - - -
I was running. I was swearing. I was probably crying. The raw, animalistic fury of nature pounding after you, hungry and angry: Any thoughts of dignity flee your head like a flock of scattered pigeons. All that matters is survival.
I had no idea where I was going. Into thicker trees, yes. Thicker trees made it harder for it to chase me. It tried to smash through the foliage, but kept slowing down. I almost felt safe.. Then the thing just got through with a strength I couldn’t conceive of and I went running again.
I was banging into things. I was getting cut up. I was stumbling and struggling to keep my footing, changing directions at random. The thing still kept coming.
I had to think. I needed to think. Thinking though is difficult when you’re running on primal panic and terror. When every time you try to stop, Death screams in your bones and ears and sets you running again.
The foliage, unfortunately, began to get thinner. I was able to run faster, with more level grass supporting my feet, but that just meant the thing could go faster too. I felt a whump as the thing’s clawed paws missed me: But it was close enough the air pushed me. He was getting closer… Closer..
I looked back through tear filled eyes. The thing was preparing to lunge again… All his body weight about to be thrown in one direction… I janked to the left, just as he sprang… And janked back to the right, throwing myself bodily out of the way. I didn’t make the landing though: As the monster roared, I fell and tumbled down an incline. I hit water, face first, and the shock stunned me. I tried to push myself, tried to roll over: A mighty paw slammed down on my side, and I felt the heat of the beast’s breath on my head. I closed my eyes. I prayed: Nothing coherent or profound, just the desperate plea for salvation.
God… God, please… Please… God… Please…
The air sang. I felt the voltage rise, like a tesla coil was lighting up in front of me. My hair stood on end, and the beast howled in pain and shock. Trembling, I opened my eyes. I slowly looked up and back, craning my neck uncomfortably.
The thing was running for it, howling as it left a trail of smoke in its wake.
“Hey! Hey! Are you okay?” Asked a gentle, female voice. I slowly turned, fully expecting to look into the eyes of my savior… And I did.
Pink orbs, large and filled with concern and amazement. In a purple face, elegant with a slightly pointed chin… And muzzle. Framed by pink and darker purple hair in a cute collection of bangs and a ponytail. A purple horn poking out of the forehead.
I looked down. Barrel. Hooves. Long neck. I looked back up. It was still staring at me, and smiled in a comforting manner.
“It’s okay… It’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you,” it… she said. “My name is Twilight Sparkle… I’m not going to hurt you. Can you… Can you understand me?”
I managed a nod. The… Twilight nodded.
“That’s good. What’s your name?”
“... Shepherd,” I rasped. “Andrew Shepherd…” I blinked slowly, and my head began to sink back down. “I uh… I’m really tired…”
“It’s okay,” Twilight said softly. I felt like I was floating in the air, that buzz like a tesla coil back. I shut my eyes. “It’s okay Shepherd. You’re safe… I’ll take care of you…”
I nodded. “Thanks…” And I passed out.
- - - - -
Who are you? Where are you going? What do you want? Who do you serve, and who do you trust? What do you want? Who are you? Where are you going? Who do you serve, and who do you trus-?
"Ah! Ahh... Haa..." I felt my chest strain, just a bit, as I breathed. Like my ribs were being tightened around a barrel. I ached all over: A sure sign of pushing myself to the physical limits. My head throbbed slightly, just enough to be annoying.
I opened my eyes, and saw nothing but darkness. I breathed a little faster, fear of blindness hitting me hard... Until my eyes adjusted, and I took in my surroundings.
It was a dimly lit room, with furniture gently outlined against the darkness. A cabinet, a mirror, and so on. All familiar. The bed I was in was large, and comfortable. I could just make out rafters, etched in the dimness above me. I tried to move... And immediately regretted it, as pain screamed through my chest.
"Urk! Urgh...!" I bit back my cries of pain... But I was heard anyway. A soft... Hand? I thought, rested on my shoulder and gently but firmly pushed me back down.
"Shh, shh, it's okay, I-I won't hurt you, you're safe now," a soft female voice spoke. I could just make out her head, and what I thought was hair. I almost managed to see eyes: Very large, blue eyes... Yet despite their strangeness, they seemed kind.
"Where am I?" I croaked.
"My cottage, near the Everfree Forest," the woman continued softly. A... Bottle moved in front of my face, and I felt cool metal pressing against my lips. "Drink."
I was parched, so I began sucking on the tube. The water that splashed into my mouth felt so refreshing, my pains and aches were temporarily forgotten. It tasted crystal clear and delicious. I drank as much as I could, gulping it down, before the mystery woman withdrew it.
"Not too much," the woman said. "I know you're thirsty, but too much will just make you sick."
"Th-Thanks," I managed. I tried to make out more details in the dim light, but it was hard to see anything more distinctive.
"I'm Fluttershy," she said softly. "What's your name?"
"Shepherd... Andrew Shepherd," I replied. What a strange name, I thought. Maybe I'd ended up at a hippie commune? How did that happen?
Then again, how did I get attacked by some giant monster, moments after falling into bed? Was this a dream? Was this the sexy-time part?
"Welcome to my house, Andrew Shepherd," she said, and I could swear I heard a smile in her voice. "You're very extraordinary, you know. I've never met someone like you before."
"Uh, sure?" I managed, confused. "That's nice. Uh... Listen, Miss Fluttershy, do you have a phone I can use?"
"A... Phone?" She asked, equally confused. "What's a phone?"
I don't think I could have looked more incredulous than I did right now. Sadly, due to the lack of a camera, nobody will ever see it and confirm that for themselves.
"Are you kidding me? You know, telephone. Telefono, if you want it in Spanish. That invention that's been around for over a century and lets you talk to anyone on the planet? That thing?" I growled.
"I'm terribly sorry, Andrew. I don't know what you're talking about. It's probably my fault, I'm not very knowledgeable about technology. Just nature, fashion, and a few other things. Sorry again."
I grimaced, feeling guilt. She sounded so utterly sincere it was impossible for me to continue to lash out at her.
"That's okay," I sighed. "I'm sorry too. I'm just really lost and confused and I don't know what's going on-"
"Shhh," she pressed her forehead against me. I felt her cheeks, and her nose. They didn't feel human, but they did feel warm and comforting. "It's okay. Focus on getting better. That's the most important thing right now."
"I... All right," I managed. "Gotta say though, I don't know how I'm going to sleep after all that."
"You simply must," Fluttershy insisted. "You need to heal. Don't worry. I promise nothing will happen to you. Absolutely nothing."
"You sound serious," I commented. I could feel her smile against my face.
"I'm always serious. Except for, um, the times I'm not," she murmured. She kissed my forehead. "Sleep now."
She turned and headed away, a strange clopping noise following her steps. She grunted, and opened a door. I winced at the sudden exposure of bright light, my eyes screaming pain into my brain. I squinted, and slowly things came into view.
I blinked.
A butter yellow pony, with a fair amount of anthropomorphism, looked back at me. Her pink mane styled in long, lustrous locks. A pair of tiny wings sat on her back. Her eyes were blue, and her smile was unforgettable.
"You're going to be just fine," she said.
It was at this point I decided sleep was preferable to this new bout of weirdness, and I promptly passed out.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - -
Now of course, it's been a long time. And again, I'm aborting another story arc that frankly, was going nowhere. This story is best done as fun one shots of the zany adventures of a human in Equestria. Cut off from his homeworld. Who has to adjust to romantic misadventures, and make snarky comments about dumb shit. So that's how things will go! And yes, it's been a while. So let's see if I can still make you guys laugh.
- - -
The Ponyville Hospital. Same sterile scent, same plain white walls, same hospital bed. Seriously, I think they've started to reserve this room for me.
Of course, there is one major difference from the other times I've come here.
"I really don't know why I'm here," I stated simply. "I wasn't actually doing anything dangerous this time."
Twilight Sparkle was at my side, and Fluttershy was at my other side. The rest of her friends were in the room as well: Pinkie Pie was juggling cupcakes, catching them and deciding whether to eat them, while Applejack, Rarity, Spike and Rainbow Dash looked deeply concerned. Nurse Redheart shook her head, giving me a glare.
"Oh really? What was he doing?" She looked over at Applejack, the Element of Honesty. The mare shook her head in disbelief and guilt, as Twilight eyed her.
"Nothin'! Ah mean, he was helpin' bring in a barrel o' apples! Weren't that heavy! Then all of a sudden he jest-jest collapsed!"
"He fainted like Fluttershy when she first saw a stallion lick his lips!" Dash said. I scowled.
"I didn't faint! I... Passed out! Probably from hunger or something. Or maybe I've been working too hard, not getting enough sleep," I rambled. I shook my head. "I just passed out, all right? It's not a big deal, nopony has to freak out or anything-"
Nurse Redheart got up into my face, her nose pushing up against mine. She pushed me back against the pillows, her blue eyes glaring hard. I gulped in fear.
"Listen you reckless, stupid human! And listen good!" She poked the center of my chest hard with the point of her hoof. I blinked as she pulled back a bit.
"Okay," I said.
She pulled out a series of X-Rays on translucent sheets, and put them onto a light display. There were numerous shots of my ribs, my arms, and legs. She pointed at several points, where web-like lines were fanning out across my bones. I blinked a few times, as Twilight and Fluttershy gasped in horror. Rainbow Dash looked on in disbelief.
"See these?" Nurse Redhead demanded. "THESE are stress fractures! All across the surfaces of your bones! And that's not all!" She hoofed over another folder to Twilight, which contained several sheets of paper. All covered in what appeared to be test results. "These are your test results! You've been stressing yourself so badly your muscles and internal organs are starting to eat themselves!"
"... Oh," I mumbled. Nurse Redheart shook her head in disbelief.
"Honestly, what have you been doing to yourself?!"
"Wellll," Pinkie Pie began, poking her hooves together, "he fights a Manticore on a weekly basis, fights dragons, he fought a Changeling Queen, he works as a construction worker without proper safety protocols, he let himself get teleported by Spike's dragon fire, he goes on adventures with us-"
"Thank you!" I hissed. I shook my head and looked over at Nurse Redheart. "Um, so... How bad are we talking?"
"What therapy would work for him, Nurse Redheart?" Twilight asked earnestly. "What magic spells would help him?"
"There are several magical therapies that can help him recover," the white pony stated, hard as steel, "but none of it matters if he keeps pushing himself like this!" She glared. "Under my authority as a medical expert in Ponyville on mammals and reptilians, you cannot do your handyman work or anything else dangerous for a period of no less than six months! It's too harmful!"
"What?!" I gasped. "Redheart, I can't-It's my job-!"
"Look!" Redheart said with a glare, "either you stop putting yourself through this for at least six months so the magical therapies can work, or you get to spend the rest of your life in a hospital bed! Which would make you an even bigger burden than you think you are!"
Ouch. She didn't mince words. That hit me right in the pride. I looked over at Fluttershy.
"Fluttershy, you're an expert on animals like me. Is what she says true? Is there anything else that would work? Help me recover."
"Um, well," Fluttershy began, poking her hooves together nervously, "there are therapies that can help speed your recovery... But the Nurse is right. You need to take it easy! You've been pushing yourself way too hard, you know. I'm so concerned."
I winced. Nopony but Fluttershy could make me feel this amount of guilt. Still...
"Ah... Come on, I don't push myself that hard," I said. I looked around at everypony else. "Right?"
"Darling," Rarity began slowly, "this is you we're talking about. I mean, you're quite... Um..."
"Squishy!" Pinkie Pie said happily. "Which makes you great for hugs! But maaaaybe not so great for all that fighting? Right now, anyway."
"It's just six months, Shepherd," Twilight said gently, resting a hoof on my shoulder. "Think of it as an opportunity to explore new career options! New possibilities!"
"Or like a vacation!" Rainbow Dash said with a grin. "I mean, it's not like you've spent all the bits you got when ya got made Sword of Equestria, right?"
"I get paid for that?" I asked in disbelief. I shook my head. "I-Look. Six months is way too long, there has to be another way-"
"Andrew," Twilight said gently, and I looked right at her. She looked right into my eyes, her own filled with deep concern. "Andrew, please. Six months is not a lot to ask for if it means you get to live your life to the fullest."
"I..." I looked back at Fluttershy. No help there, she was just as guilt inducing as everypony else. I sighed and rubbed my cheek.
"All right, all right. Six months of magic therapy it is," I said. I leaned back in my hospital bed and crossed my arms over my chest. I shrugged.
"How bad could it be?" I asked. I winced, as Rarity smirked.
"Let's all forget I said that," I immediately said, quickly.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
I looked across the chessboard to my opponent. I sighed and rested my chin on my hand as he moved his king.
"Check," I stated. Spike scowled, and moved his king to another space.
"Check," I said again, bored. Spike grumbled. I shook my head. "Come on Spike, just accept it's mate!"
"I can think of another move!" Spike insisted. I sighed and leaned on my elbows as the little dragon kept moving his king around.
"Check. Check. Check," I deadpanned. The dragon groaned and finally tipped his king over. He crossed his arms over his scaly chest, grumbling.
"How are you so good at this?" He asked. "I've been playing since I was a hatchling!"
I shrugged and grinned, leaning back with my hands behind my head. The chair was a little too small for me, but I'd gotten used to such things through long practice. "I've been playing since I was a kid, too. And I taught it to kids as a part-time job. If it helps, you really made me work for every win."
"Eh, I guess so," Spike grumbled. I was seized by the magical grip of a unicorn, and I yelped as I was levitated up.
"Ah! Twilight!" I gasped. The chair underneath me was turned into a large, comfy armchair. Twilight trotted up and set me back down into it.
"Just making sure you're safe, sweetie," Twilight said. She leaned over and nuzzled my cheek. "Much safer in this chair!"
I sighed and nuzzled her back. "Yes dear," I said. I rubbed the back of her neck, making her shiver and purr. She sighed happily, and rubbed her horn against my chest. I reached up and rubbed her horn, giving her little kisses along the length of it.
"Oooh..." She sighed, her eyes crossing. Spike made a face, which I couldn't blame him for. I could blame him for the retching sounds-It's not like this is the most affectionate thing he's seen us do, after all. Grow up, dude.
Twilight crawled up into my lap and nuzzled me happily. I began stroking her back, making her tremble. Spike scowled harder.
There was a knock at the door. Spike sighed, and rose to his feet.
"I'll get it," Spike grumbled. Twilight cuddled me back, sighing in bliss.
"You know, all this time off could be good," she said. "For... Other reasons."
Spike walked back. "Andrew, it's for you," he stated dryly. Twilight sighed.
"Can it wait?" She asked. The familiar roar of a manticore shook the tree. I sighed, and regretfully picked Twilight up to set her back in the chair. I kissed the top of her head.
"I'll be right back," I promised. Twilight moaned unhappily, but nodded. I walked up to the front door, and looked up... And up.
"Hey Chewie," I greeted my manticore friend/rival/enemy. The gigantic predator looked annoyed, and growled down at me. I sighed and shrugged.
"I know, I know we had a fight to the death this week. But I can't make it," I said, surprisingly enough without any sarcasm. "Doctor's orders."
Chewie snarled. I held up my hands and waved them to appease him.
"I know, I know! It's totally lame! But if I don't chill out like this for at least six months, I'll be permanently crippled," I explained. Chewie was silent, his jaw dropping. He rumbled. I nodded.
"Yeah, I wouldn't want that to happen either," I said. "I mean, how bummed would your mate be if you were crippled?"
Chewie growled thoughtfully, and nodded his great shaggy head. He growled a question, and I shook my head.
"No, we can't just spar," I said. Chewie roared, and I winced.
"It's not my fault!" I shouted. "Don't be mad at me for being so awesome I have to slow down!"
Oh Lord, I'd been talking to Rainbow Dash too much if I was spouting stuff like that.
Chewie grumbled, and crossed his arms. He made an accusatory snarl. I narrowed my eyes.
"I am not fighting another Manticore! I don't even know who this 'Melvin' is!" I shouted. "Stop being such a drama queen!"
Chewie snorted. He then pointed his claws at his eyes, and pointed at me. I snorted back.
"Yeah, and if you keep too close an eye on me, I'll rip 'em out and eat them in front of you!" I growled back. "I mean it!"
Chewie was a little appeased, but still irritated. He then snarled at me. I frowned deeply.
"What's the Manticore Mourning Ritual?" I asked. Chewie grumbled and hissed. I grimaced.
"I don't think you howling in mourning is going to help me recover," I said. Chewie huffed.
"No, I am completely sure," I stated. "I have never been more sure."
Chewie nodded. I sighed and shut the door behind me.
"Hooowwwwllllll!" Chewie bellowed. I groaned and opened the door again, glaring at the mighty Manticore. Chewie growled back.
"No! That didn't help me in the least!" I shouted. Chewie hissed again. "NO! Not even a little bit!"
Chewie pouted. I reached up and patted him on the top of his head.
"I'll get better as soon as I can. I promise," I said. Chewie grunted, but nodded. I breathed a sigh of relief, and shut the door behind me. I walked back to my unicorn marefriend, who was looking a bit bewildered.
"What was that all about?" Twilight asked. I sighed, picking her up to sit in the chair again with her on my lap.
"Chewie misses me," I said. "We had a duel this week."
"Oh," Twilight deadpanned. "How terrible for him to not be able to harm and claw you for six months."
"He is my friend," I said defensively. "... I mean, sort of. He does try to kill me but he also saved all our lives. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's taking it easy on me in our duels."
"He's still far too rough with you," Twilight grumbled. I resumed stroking her mane, making her sigh. "And you just keep encouraging him..."
"Friendship is magic, but it can also be weird, painful and confusing," I pointed out. "That's just how life is, sometimes."
"Hnn," Twilight sighed, as I scratched behind her ears. "All right... But you'd better not fight him at all, understand?"
"I promise," I said. I kissed the tip of her horn. "Right now, I'm content to relax with my wonderful marefriends."
"That's what I like to hear," Twilight said cheerfully. I nodded.
"Good!" I leaned back. "Roll over, I want to give you belly rubs."
"HEE!" Twilight squealed. She coughed. "I-I mean, um..." She rolled over with a big smile. "Proceed..."
"All right," I said happily. I began rubbing her belly, and made her coo and kick her legs in an adorable fashion. I scratched behind her ears.
Maybe this time of relaxation wouldn't be all bad...
A Manticore howled loudly, making Twilight and I fall out of the chair. I groaned.
"CHEWIE!"
I got up from my disheveled marefriend. I leaned out a nearby window and glared at Chewie. The manticore was trying to look innocent, and barked at me. I shook my fist at him.
"I told you, no howling!"
Chewie protested with a growl. I rolled my eyes.
"Oh yeah, I totally believe that was another Manticore howling! Right here! Who suddenly turned invisible!"
- - -
So, you'd think that having nothing to do for over a week would have been ideal. And sure, getting to chill out and just have to cuddle, snuggle and... Other things with my marefriends was great. As well as getting to have fun with Pinkie Pie, or watch Rainbow Dash fly. I was also mildly entertained by posing for Rarity for new clothing, and drinking apple cider with Applejack and Big Mac.
Some mares just can't hold their liquor.
But sitting around feeling useless has never been something I enjoyed. And getting reminded of how I needed to take it easy constantly was also not fun.
How not fun?
"Fluttershy," I mumbled from the mass of pillows that had been taped and tied to my body, "this isn't going to work."
"Of course it's going to work!" Fluttershy insisted. "This pillow armor will keep you from getting hurt!"
"Yes, I will allow for that," I began calmly, "but there's another issue you didn't consider."
"Oh, what is that? Um, if you'd like to say it," Fluttershy asked.
"I can't move," I stated. The rope and tape held me tightly, as I tried to shuffle about her crowded cottage. Fluttershy winced.
"O-Oh... I'm very sorry," she said. She trotted up and began to fiddle with the ropes. I tried to move my arms to help her.
"Just-Just get the ropes on my arms first," I said. "Then I can undo the knots-How did you make all these knots, anyway?"
Fluttershy blushed deeply. "Oh, um, with my tongue."
"Oh," I said. I would have nodded if the straps on my head weren't so tight. "That explains a lot."
She blushed even harder. "Ahhh... Ummm..."
"Sweetie, need some help," I said. Fluttershy looked awkwardly at her hooves, and then up at me.
"... Are you sure we need to untie you... Right now?" She asked.
"Fluttershy, there is literally nothing we can do right now," I stated. "You put extra padding around my crotch, remember?"
"I couldn't let those be harmed!" Fluttershy insisted. "Never!"
I sighed. "Thank you, Fluttershy," I mumbled. Fluttershy hovered up, looking me in the eyes through the hoofball helmet she'd gotten just for me.
"Are you all right, Shepherd? U-Usually when I suggest, um... Things like this, you're very eager," she said.
"Well, one, I can't move at all and this suit is very hot and uncomfortable," I said, "so it's hard to get in the mood."
"Oh. N-Not your thing, I understand," Fluttershy said, making a note on a small piece of paper.
"And two... I don't know, I'm just... Kind of bored," I said. Fluttershy gasped.
"No, no, not with you!" I cried. "Never with you! But I'm just a little bored with not having work to do..."
A roar rumbled through the cottage. I grimaced.
"And Chewie is not taking this well."
Fluttershy trotted over to her window. She held her hooves over her mouth.
"O-Oh my," Fluttershy gasped. I sighed.
"Who's he fighting now?"
"It appears to be a lesser bugbear," Fluttershy said. "From the southern bugbear forests."
"How's Chewie doing?" I asked. Fluttershy shook her head.
"He's acting l-like he's in terrible trouble but he's really just holding back. There is no way a lesser bugbear could ever defeat a healthy adult manticore." She narrowed her eyes. "The bugbear looks v-very embarrassed. Like he doesn't want to be here."
"Oh God, he's that kind of friend," I groaned. "Couldn't he just get a hobby or something?"
"He is a gigantic alpha predator," Fluttershy reminded me. She smiled. "Um, m-much like you."
"Not that gigantic," I mumbled. It was true, I was finally slim enough to be an extra in a Hollywood action scene. Fluttershy hovered back up to me, and gave me a hug. She smiled at me, and it warmed my heart.
"I understand you have instincts that drive you to dominate, fight, and conquer. It's part of why I l-love you." She nuzzled me. Or at least tried to, the helmet prevented it. "But you also have instincts to cuddle your marefriends and do naughty things with us. Why not let those instincts be in-in charge for a while?"
I sighed. "I suppose you're right." I smiled at her, and she smiled back.
The wind began to pick up: Which was unusual, given we were indoors. A bright light flashed above us, and we were both knocked down by a shockwave.
"GAH!" I shouted. Fluttershy whimpered and hid underneath me.
"ANDREW SHEPHERD! WE REQUIRE THY SERVICES!" Luna boomed.
Fluttershy stared at her, and blushed bright red. Her wings popped out, as she gave Luna a bashful look.
"Um... W-Well, I wouldn't be opposed to... To letting you let those instincts be in charge with her, um, if I was part of it-"
"WE COME TO ASK THE SWORD OF EQUESTRIA FOR HIS SERVICES IN IDENTIFYING HUMAN ARTIFACTS!" Luna bellowed. "FOR THIS IS HIS TALENT, IS IT NOT?!"
"Uh... Sure?" I answered. Fluttershy's wings drooped slightly.
"Oh. That-that's good too."
"BUT TELL US, KINDNESS! OF WHAT INSTINCTS DO THOU SPEAK OF?" Luna asked, her booming voice rattling the windows.
"Oh, well, I-I was just saying that-" Fluttershy began.
I groaned. "Fluttershy!"
"Wh-What?"
- - -
Well, I wanted a change of pace. And boy, did I get it. At first, it was actually very interesting-Identifying a lot of statues and devices and books. There was a copy of the King James Bible that might have been part of the original run, for God’s sake!
But after enough time, the novelty wore off for me. Not for Luna though, who seemed to have the enthusiasm of Pinkie Pie when it came to identifying things.
I sighed as I sat in the chair in the massive Royal Library. Luna trotted back up with a smile... And another box of stuff.
"All right, what is this?" She asked, lifting up a plastic green disk.
"Frisbee," I said dully.
"And this?" She asked, lifting a statue.
"An Egyptian statue of the god Horus," I said without emotion.
"They were the ones who built the pyramids in the desert, right?" Luna asked. I nodded again.
"Yes," I said dully.
"Not the ones who built the pyramids in the jungles?"
"Nope," I said.
"And this?"
"A machine gun. Thompson machine gun," I said. "Used in World War II and by gangsters."
“Ooh, and what is this?” Luna asked, holding up a small golden gramophone on a small black pedestal. I hummed and took it into my hands for closer examination.
“Oh, this is a Grammy. It’s an award handed out to recognize achievement in music,” I explained. “This one is for…” My jaw dropped. “Public Enemy, 1988, for Best Rap Album?!” I pumped my fist. “I KNEW IT!”
“Shepherd?” Luna asked. I shook my head, still grinning.
“Basically, one of the best musical groups on my planet got snubbed for this award multiple times-”
“Ah, Shepherd, that does sound truly fascinating but we have so much else to get through,” she said. She levitated another box of junk in front of me. I sighed, and handed the Grammy back to her.
“Okay, but don’t lose this!” I said. Luna nodded.
“Of course!”
And from there, it just kept going… And going… And going. Soap dispensers, can openers, a broken Roomba, and so, so many hats, shoes and socks.
You have no idea how many socks. I lost count.
It was an eternity later, and I’d just explained how the Operation game worked. The princess was trying to pull out the funny bone with her telekinesis, as I rested my chin on my hand, my elbow on the table, and my broken spirit on the tattered remains of what had been a promising afternoon.
Buzz!
“Ah! Oh my!” The moon princess gasped, dropping the tweezers. She then giggled excitedly, clapping her hooves together. "Oh this is so much fun! And so enlightening! So many mysteries can at last be solved! Have you any questions, dear Sword of Equestria?”
"Yeah, how long am I going to be here?" I asked flatly. Luna scowled.
"Andrew Shepherd! Do you not wish to help us understand your world? Associate with your species' past?"
"Yeah but I've been doing this for hours!" I complained. "I just want to go home!"
Luna pouted. "Awww... But we've learned so much! Indeed, I now understand so much! Please?" Her lower lip wobbled as her eyes widened.
I sighed. "That's not going to work!"
Luna's eyes began to fill with tears. I glared, my resolve firm.
"Stop it! Come on!"
The tears began to run down her face. She sniffled. I groaned.
"Okay, okay! I'll stay for a little while longer! Just stop that! You're worse than Twilight!"
"HUZZAH!" Luna cheered, tears all suddenly gone. I groaned and covered my face.
"Why do I always fall for that...?"
She turned and flew off back through the large doors of the library. I laid back in my chair.
I waited for a while, patting my hands against the desk softly. There didn’t seem to be anyone else around. It was just me in the depths of a gigantic, eternal library. Frankly, it was shocking that Twilight would ever leave here: My own inner nerd was tempted to stay forever.
Luna reappeared in a flash, a very large wooden crate taller than me appearing with her. She beamed, and her horn lit up. The front of the box came undone, falling down onto the marble floor. A huge amount of straw had been stuffed into the box. I stood up, for the first time in many hours curious.
“What’s that?” I asked. I walked around the table as Luna began to pull straw out of the box.
“A new discovery from the Badlands! Recall, do you not, when you learned from those dragon rapscallions on their migration about the ancient human civilization that terrorized them so?”
“Oh, yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “God, it’s so weird how alien invasions and weddings can distract you from that kind of thing.”
“Fear not, Shepherd!” Luna said in a consoling tone. “Once, we misplaced a birthday present for our fair sister for over a century! We had to buy out an entire bakery to make it up to her!”
“Well, I suppose that makes me feel a little better,” I admitted. Luna pulled away, spreading her wings to present the contents of the crate. I gasped in shock, all of my boredom long forgotten.
“Holy crap!” I gasped.
It was a full suit of armor. But not just any armor. It was built with a hard, heavy industrial aesthetic, with pointed ears on the blank-faced helmet and a long, dramatic cape attached to the shoulders. Numerous markings, like a barcode, were etched into the surfaces of the armor. I looked over at Luna, who beamed.
“Tis impressive, is it not?” She asked. I nodded eagerly.
“Yes! It’s incredible!” I said. “It’s like something out of The Dark Knight Returns!”
“Oh yes. That comic you identified,” Luna said mildly. “Well, this armor seems to be powered by magic rather than electricity. Does it suggest any particular culture on your planet?”
“Well, modern day Earth,” I said, “but we didn’t have magic powered armor.” I reached out and poked it. “See all these markings? They’re like a barcode-Uh, a mathematical sequence of lines we can scan to input data into a computer,” I explained to the confused princess. She nodded.
“Ah! Tis intriguing. Mayhaps a product of this culture, which had influence from yours! Oh, this is fascinating!” She poked the armor with her hoof. I reached out and touched the faceplate.
“That would be interesting,” I said. “It’s like, everything I knew about the universe got turned upside down… Again!”
Luna’s horn glowed, and the armor began to glow in response. And then, all of a sudden, it sprang out of the box like an animated puppet. I jumped back, yelping, as the whole armor opened up like a blossoming flower.
“Fascinating,” Luna said. “It did not react to my magic, but it did react to my magic and your touch!”
“Yeah,” I said with a nod. The interior was covered in what appeared to be white leather, with lots of straps and ventports. I reached out and poked the inside. The armor… Then sprang forward again, and pounced on me like an overly affectionate Twilight and Fluttershy. “AHHHHHH! WHAT THE-LET ME GO!”
“SHEPHERD!” Luna gasped. The armor wrapped around me, and closed tightly. I staggered, the armor feeling a hell of a lot heavier than it had looked. I staggered to the right… Right through a bookcase.
“CRAP!” I shouted. “CRAP! GET THIS THING OFF ME!”
I began waving my hands, as the armor kept moving! Through another book case, and another, and one last one! Which was good, because then I stopped smashing through bookcases.
It was also bad, because I smashed through the wall to the empty space below the castle tower.
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” I screamed as I plunged for the ground far below.
You’d think I’d be used to this by now, but nope! Still terrified of falling to my death. Who knew, huh?
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
Have some shorts!
- - -
A Difference in Cultural Perspective
- - -
With the opening of the human archives, I had found some amazing things I couldn't wait to share with my marefriends and friends in general. And given Twilight's love of magic and reading, I had shared a fantasy series I loved when I was a child with her.
In hindsight, maybe I should have had second thoughts about that...
"Seriously, this is their version of magic?" Twilight asked, shaking her head in disbelief at the human-written fantasy story. "This is absurd! I mean, a single one shot soul separation spell? THAT'S their most deadly curse? I have dozens of spells in my basic books that are far worse than that! And this Ron character, why is he even here? He's not funny or useful, he's just a load! And Hermione is so bossy and manipulative and this Harry guy just gets led around by the hand by old men, he never does anything on his own initiative... And... Wait."
She scowled deeply. "A 'super' wand? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? That is the big secret? Some MacGuffin just introduced in the last book?! It doesn't even serve a central focus, it's just a-a plot coupon!" She huffed and tossed it aside. I looked at her from across the library, a bit hurt. I mean, I had loved these books growing up but to have all the plot holes and problems pointed out... Well...
Ouch.
"Please tell me this is not the most popular fantasy series on your planet?" Twilight pleaded. I sighed.
"It's a best seller and the author is one of the richest people on Earth."
Twilight stared in disbelief. "Is... Is she at least a witch or something-?"
"No," I said. "Remember? No magic."
"Which means... You have no idea how actual magic schools or magic societies function!" Twilight gasped. She beamed. "I know! I'll write this J. K. Rowling and offer her all the suggestions I can on how to write proper magical fiction! And romance for that matter, as well! After all, I have so much experience and-"
"I don't think your Daring Do fanfics count, Twilight," I said dryly. Twilight blushed.
"It... You have to admit, I at least developed things better!"
"Between Daring Do and her worst villain? Seriously?" I asked. Twilight huffed.
"It is perfectly acceptable! There's all sorts of subtext you can see between their relationship that could make for a romantic foundation-"
"Right, which is why so many people ship you and Trixie," I said dryly. Twilight gaped.
"Wha-They-They do?!"
I held up a romance novel Rarity had sent me. On the cover, a purple unicorn and a blue unicorn were locked in a passionate embrace. Twilight's eyes widened as she seized it in her telekinetic grip and flipped through it.
"I... But... But the only pony who could know all this, who would... Would twist it would... Would be...!" She gasped. I helpfully handed her my pistol.
"You might be needing this," I said. Twilight scowled... And summoned my entire arsenal from the basement. With an array of guns, rifles, rocket launchers and swords hung around her like metallic angel wings, she snarled.
"I think I know what I'll be needing," she growled, and she trotted out the door with all her weapons. I stared after her. Spike looked in from the kitchen, trying to look like he hadn't seen the whole thing but a look from me and he dropped the pretense.
"Geez... You really have rubbed off on her," Spike said, shaking his head. I chuckled.
"Nah... The weapons are just for effect. If she really wanted her dead," and here I laid back on the couch, "she wouldn't have taken anything."
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
Have some more shorts!
- - -
An alternate take on how Shepherd's love life might have gone...
- - -
Okay. So living in a world populated by colorful, talking ponies was strange. Severely strange. But at the very least, they were extremely kind. Even to a strange, awkward talking primate.
I even got a job as a local handyman! ... Which was a pun they had never heard of until now.
I hate having to explain my jokes, don't you?
That said, there were some issues. Issues I was hopefully going to resolve with Fluttershy, the local vet/hippie/shy girl.
Apparently she was extremely hot by pony standards. I dunno, I wasn't sure about it. Especially while she was examining my throat with a tongue depressor.
"Mmhm, it's-it's just as I thought," Fluttershy said with a nod, pulling back. She had an adorable flashlight strapped to her head. "You're not getting enough iron in your diet."
"You could tell that by looking down my throat?" I asked. Fluttershy blushed.
"Well, um, no, but I did a few other tests too, and I can smell better than you, so... Um... Yes," she said with a nod. She frowned. "You're obviously an omnivore. But you're clearly not getting enough iron from the diet you're on right now. Um, your diet back home: What did it consist of?"
I flushed, and rubbed the back of my head. Fluttershy blinked.
"Oh my... Did you eat horses?"
"What? No!" I said quickly. "I didn't eat horses! I did eat cows, pigs, goats, sheep-"
"Ah! All creatures with significant amounts of myoglobin in their tissues," Fluttershy said with a nod. She smiled at me. "Just stay here. I'll be right back!" She fluttered off to the kitchen, and began rummaging around and cooking. I blinked a few times.
"Uh, okay?" I leaned back on the couch and sighed. Damn, this couch was incredibly comfortable. And the whole cottage was nice, cozy, warm... I'd been working so hard...
Before I knew it, I was dozing, then I was napping. And then... I smelled something. Something I never thought I would smell again.
Beef... Cooking... Beef...!
I slowly sat up, wincing a bit. A winged form appeared, the sunlight shining behind it. My eyes adjusted, and at last, I resolved the form.
It was Fluttershy. Smiling warmly, her beautiful blue eyes gazing at me with warmth and compassion. Between her hooves (which were covered with adorable oven mitts) was a tray. On this was a plate of baked potatoes, carrots, a salad, and a mouth watering, juicy, perfectly seared steak. And to go with it was a glass. A glass my nose told my overly excited senses was filled with alcohol!
"Um, I used a griffin cook book and a dead bison one of my bears left me," Fluttershy said bashfully. "I-I followed it exactly. I understand many carnivores like their meat to rest before consumption and reach an ideal temperature," she said shyly. "I also made gravy and added some hard cider as a complement to the meal-"
I pounced on the food, gobbling it down with the reckless abandon of a starving man. It tasted like pure orgasms-And the booze was even better! It created a symphony of taste on my tongue, that went right to the deepest, most primal parts of my brain.
Everything slipped away. I may have been the only human on an alien world but in this moment, all my loneliness and fear and insecurities slipped away. All I was left with was a warm, full stomach, the taste of meat and booze, and the beautiful, angelic creature who had made it possible.
"Um... Y-You liked it?" She asked.
In this moment, she wasn't a strange pony shaped alien. She was the most beautiful woman in the universe. Which is when I pounced on her and kissed her deeply.
- - -
Later...
Twilight Sparkle was staring in disbelief and annoyance at us. "I... I'm sorry, you knocked her up?!"
Fluttershy happily rubbed her rounded tummy with a bright, happy flush. "I've never been happier," she sighed.
I, on the other hand...
"HOW?! NO, SERIOUSLY, HOW?!" I cried, tearing out my hair. "THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!"
"Well, you didn't think griffins, hippogriffs, centaurs and minotaurs came about without some help, did you?" Twilight asked.
"... Gross," I decided. I sighed as Fluttershy cuddled up to my side. "So Greek mythology rules?"
"I don't know what that is," Twilight said, looking more annoyed.
"Basically," I began, "everything is the fault of some horny guy from another world." I blinked and hummed. "Sounds about right, actually."
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - -
Okay, okay, I thought quickly as the streets of Canterlot rapidly approached, there's nothing to worry about. Luna will save you! Any second now!
... Any second!
... Any second-!
BOOM!
I slammed right into the cobbled street, digging out a massive crater as numerous ponies fled screaming. I was embedded in the ground, arms and legs splayed out like a cartoon character as the street cracked around me.
And as for why I can tell you, well, like a cartoon character... I wasn't dead. I didn't even feel any pain. I slowly stood up, still wobbling.
"W-Woah... Woah... Wow," I muttered, looking around at the small marketplace I'd landed in. Nopony seemed to be hurt, they were just galloping away and screaming. So that was good.
Even better, I wasn’t hurt at all! I was expecting to die, or at least be broken and horribly disabled!
"Wow!" I gasped. "This is great! I can't be hurt!" I looked up and saw Luna descending, looking concerned. I grinned, though I knew she couldn't see it. I waved my hand. "Luna! Luna, I'm okay!"
Despite you not catching me, you jerk, I thought, a tiny bit miffed.
"Andrew? Can thoust hear us?" She called. "Mine magic was simply absorbed by thine armor! We could not stop you with our power!"
Oh. Well I felt like a jerk. I waved a hand at her to indicate there were no hard feelings, as the Royal Canterlot Guards flew in.
"It's okay, Luna," I said as she landed. "I completely understand."
Luna frowned. "Andrew? Are thou all right? We cannot hear thee!"
I groaned. "I said," I shouted, pointing my finger at her, "that I completely understand-!"
A bright yellow energy beam erupted from the tip of my pointer finger, blasting Luna right in the face. The dark alicorn was knocked off her hooves and thrown through a nearby storefront, smashing it to pieces and forcing a cloud of dust into the air. I saw it all in perfect slow motion, as my brain sped up due to a mixture of panic, horror, and anger.
The royal guards gasped in horror. I made a tinny, drawn out squeak.
"That thing just attacked the Princess!" One of them shouted.
"Get it!" Another shouted.
"Oh crap," I muttered. I turned back to the guards, and waved my hands frantically. "No! Wait! You don't understand! I didn't mean to do that-!"
"CHARGE!" They bellowed, diving for me.
"CRAAAAAAAAP!"
- - -
Now, I have to be honest. Ever since I got to Equestria, I've gotten the crap beaten out of me a lot. I've been kicked, clawed, blasted, set on fire, defenestrated, whipped, electrocuted, food poisoned, and blown up.
And that was just a weekend camping trip with the Cutie Mark Crusaders to help them earn Filly Scout badges.
Now though, I was getting smacked and knocked around by Princess Celestia's finest-And physically, I didn't feel a bit of pain! It was more like being in the middle of a particularly aggressive pillow fight. One guard struck me with his hooves hard, and I went flying right into a wall... And then through it. I landed hard on all fours, and I tried to get back up.
"GUYS! GUYS!" I shouted. "Gahhh... Come on...!" I held up my arms. "Come on! I surrender! I promise, I surrender-!"
Another guard tackled me from behind, slamming me into the floor... And then through it, right into the basement! Storage crates full of magazines and filly toys erupted from the force of the impact. I groaned as the guard slammed his hooves down onto my back, over and over.
"Stop resisting! STOP RESISTING!" The guard bellowed.
"I am! I AM!" I shouted. I sighed. "Why couldn't this stupid thing come with a manual?"
I clenched my fists, glaring at my faceplate as more guards flew down to hold me down. Still, maybe if I just stayed still, they'd stop freaking out? It wasn't like I was disobeying them-
The suit lit up like it was covered in blue neon lights, and emitted a powerful shockwave-One that blew all the guards away, into and through several walls! The entire house above us collapsed, and the suit emitted another shockwave to boost me up and out. It then set me down, on my feet, in the street in front of the now ruined domicile. I looked back at the ruined house and the groaning guards.
"Oh come on!" I shouted. "Damnit, how do you work this? Uh... Shut down! Power down!" I frowned more deeply. "Switch off!"
Princess Celestia herself teleported in with a flash of white light, looking grim. I turned to her, a desperate smile on my face.
"Oh thank God! Princess! Princess, help me!"
"You have been causing a great deal of damage, stranger," Celestia boomed. "Explain yourself."
"I would," I shouted, "but nobody can HEAR ME!"
I waved my fists angrily, which I really should have avoided given what had happened... Any other time I'd done something in this crazy armor. And a second later I was proven right, as another energy blast left the armor's hands. One that nearly hit Celestia right in the face. She dodged, and with a glare her horn lit up. I gulped in terror, and held my arms up over my face... As though that would help.
"Consider this a warning," she intoned gravely. A yellow energy blast erupted from her horn... And hit my gauntlets. The entire surface of the armor glowed yellow, bright as the sun! That wasn't all, unfortunately: The part of the blast that didn't make the armor glow was deflected, striking a nearby tower. I lowered my arms and turned my head to stare at the tower, as Celestia did the same. The tower seemed unharmed, and I let out a sigh of relief.
"Oh, thank God-"
The tower... Split into two halves, and fell apart like a log split on a stump by an axe. The two adjacent towers collapsed in like fallen trees. I think my jaw was closed at some point, but right now I couldn't remember one. I turned back to Celestia, whose eyes were narrowed.
"I see," she said. "A magic absorbing armor. Very clever, well built..." She smiled unpleasantly. "But it has its limits. Enough power pumped into that armor, and it will explode. So... Let's take this somewhere less crowded."
"SISTER!" Luna bellowed, erupting out of some rubble. "WAIT!"
"YES! WAIT!" I shouted. But like a hero out of a shonen anime, Celestia had flashstepped to my side, chambered her back legs... And let loose a kick that sent me flying high in the sky.
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
- - -
So, breaking the sound barrier with your face sounds a lot cooler than it actually is. Well okay, it was cool. But I could only appreciate that after the fact. During it, I was mainly screaming in terror as I tumbled through the skies. The ground beneath me changed predominant colors, from mainly green, yellow and blue to mostly brown, yellow and almost no blue.
Then it was all yellow as I slammed into the ground, sending a massive plume of sand and dirt up into the air around me.
"Ow..." I said, more of an instinctive reaction than out of pain. I very slowly got up to my feet, feeling more confused than pained. I looked up at the bright blue sky, populated by only a few white clouds. All from the bottom of the large crater I had formed. I wobbled a bit, and very slowly began to crawl out of the crater. I scrambled up the side, and gripped the lip of the crater. I pulled myself out, and rolled myself up to my feet. I turned around, taking in my surroundings.
"Aw, crap," I mumbled. I saw desert cacti, boulders, distant mountains... An arid landscape as far as the eye could see. None of it familiar. I sighed and facepalmed, hard.
"'Dur, sure Luna. I'll help you examine ancient human stuff. What's the worst that could happen?' Every time!" I kicked a rock, sending it far over the horizon with a huff. "I was supposed to be relaxing, for God's sake!"
I sighed, feeling like a flower drooping under the hot, desert sun. "Killed by my own helpful nature. Yeah, that sounds about right..."
"You know, Twilight is right. You are extremely melodramatic," said a calm, amused female voice. I yelped and swung around, getting my arms up defensively. A familiar white alicorn stood there in front of me, smiling gently.
I blinked. I lowered my arms. "Wait? You can hear me?"
Celestia nodded. "I have had a thousand years to study other Ancient Human relics. I just needed to find the right spells to tap into the armor's communications system."
"Oh thank God," I said. "So, do you know how to get this thing off me?"
"First, I need to examine the armor and see if I can't find out what's wrong with it," Celestia explained. Her horn began to blow, and the chest of the armor began to glow in synch. "Forgive me, this may take some time. It has been a while since I did this," she apologized. The immediate terror and fear vanished, and I shrugged. After all, a Princess of Equestria was with me: What did I have to worry about?
"That's fine," I said. "Take your time, I'm not going anywhere."
Celestia nodded, her smile growing just a hair. "And we've had so few opportunities to talk. I believe we should have gotten to that sooner."
I shrugged. "Well, I've been busy. You've been busy..." I trailed off, and coughed. "Um, listen: I really do love Twilight and Fluttershy and I would never hurt them intentionally-"
"No, no," Celestia chuckled, "I wasn't going to talk about that. Indeed, I'm very happy my faithful student is not only learning about the mystery of friendship, but also of love." Her smile became impish. "Besides, I share the same desire for grandfoals that Twilight's parents do."
"Ah," I muttered, blushing a bit, "we're not thinking about that yet... I'm not even sure how it would be possible. I'm a primate, she's a unicorn-"
"Magic, of course," Celestia said with a smile. I sighed, rolling my eyes.
"Of course," I said. "So, what else did you want to talk about?"
Celestia hummed. "Well, I did want to know how you are doing. All these revelations about the Ancient Humans and your homeworld must have been shocking."
I nodded, humming back as Celestia's magic made the rest of my armor light up in different colors. "Well, it's been a lot to handle," I said. "I mean, it helps to know there was a way between worlds... Once," I said. Celestia sighed, nodding wearily.
"Once, yes. I remember a number of my dealings with the Ancient Humans. By the time my sister and I ascended to the throne, they were isolated in this region. Discord, Tirek, Grogar, Sombra, the Smooze-So many calamities had struck Equestria over that millennium, and the humans had suffered greatly. They eventually tried to recreate the means by which they originally came to escape back to Earth... But the technology and magic was lost. We have relics, but so much was lost I doubt we could figure out how to make it work without those missing parts and knowledge. By the time the Crystal Empire vanished... All of them were gone." She looked at me sadly. "That was over fifteen hundred years ago."
I nodded back slowly, feeling sad again. "I see," I sighed. Celestia nuzzled me gently, an act of care and compassion I could feel through the armor. "Thank you for telling me."
"It's the least I can do for the Sword of Equestria," Celestia said with a smile. "It is my sincere hope you can find a way home. But if not? A home here, with beings who love and care for you."
I nodded back, and lightly bumped my head against hers. I reached up and patted her neck. "Thank you, Your Highness," I replied warmly. I blinked back tears, and cleared my throat. "So, um... How's the armor?"
"Hmmm," Celestia thought aloud, "I see the problem. This armor is heavily damaged. It just makes random connections based on what magic it can use to bridge the circuits. I think I can repair them." The princess adjusted the probing beam of magic, making it narrower. Then... Green and blue lines appeared before my eyes, as though projected on glass.
"Can you see an interface?" Celestia asked. I nodded.
"Yeah!"
Strangely enough, it was in English. I could see a diagram of the armor, one that was mostly red: Probably not a good sign. There was another icon though, one very interesting: A map, with two blinking dots.
"Hey, I can see a map!" I said. "I think it's of this area!"
"Really?" Celestia asked, interested. I turned around in a circle, and observed that the dot not in the center of the map moved around the dot that was. My eyes widened.
"And there's... Something it's picking up!" I said. I squinted. "It's... Maybe a mile or two away from us!"
Celestia's smile grew. "Maybe an ancient human facility?" She asked. I shrugged.
"Maybe..." I looked over at Celestia. "It's definitely something to investigate. Maybe with a full archaeological team, and back up-"
"Or we could go right now," Celestia suggested. I frowned.
"Yeah, but don't you have work to do back in Canterlot?"
Celestia nuzzled me again, an impish smirk on her face. "My little human," she said, "that is precisely why I would like to investigate this now."
I blinked, and nodded. "Gotcha. You're the boss, Your Highness."
"Wonderful!" Celestia said cheerfully. "Also... I'm terribly sorry for knocking you out so far."
I waved my hand. "It's okay. You can make it up to me later."
Celestia chuckled. "Oh? And what ways can I do that?" She gave me a flirty expression. I found myself blushing, even as she chuckled and winked. "You are an enormous amount of fun to tease, too. Just like Twilight."
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
The Crystal Empire...
"Shepherd," Shining Armor growled.
"Twinkie," I replied.
"You still insist on using that insipid nickname?" Shining sighed. I shrugged and grinned, knowing it would piss him off even more.
"You still insist on being a dick, so yes."
Shining looked around carefully, before lowering his voice. "If only you knew..."
"Knew what?" I asked. Shining sighed.
"Look... It pains me to admit it... But I'm hoping it will explain some of my... Behavior."
"I'm doing your sister, I think I've got the gist," I said wryly. Shining sighed and facehoofed.
"That's... Part of it... The other part is... Well..."
I crossed my arms over my chest. "Yes?"
"... You remember how you attempted to shake me out of my stupor by relating the... Filthy things you've been doing with my beloved little sister?"
I stared at him like he was an idiot. Which I'll admit, I did a lot. Shining rolled his eyes.
"And how it did not even phase me thanks to the fact I'm married to the Princess of Love?"
"Vaguely, yeah," I said sarcastically.
"Well, Cadence has given me a few... Hints," Shining said uncomfortably. "Regarding... You."
I frowned. "What sort of hints?"
"She's the goddess of love, and she has learned my sister's 'Human Transformation' spell," Shining said wryly. "And she is not averse to... Inviting more into our bed..."
I blinked. Several times. My jaw dropped as I put it together, without the help of a Meatloaf song. Shining scowled.
"You want me to paint you a picture?!" He demanded.
"Bwuh?" I managed intelligently, mind suddenly filled with certain... Images.
"Well, your form does allow for some... Possibilities," Shining said cautiously, "which Cadence finds... Interesting and-STOP IMAGINING THINGS!" He snarled, and I jumped. I scowled back and threw up my hands.
"What? I can't help it! You're the one who brought this whole thing up!" I shouted back.
"Cuz she INSISTED I at least ask you!" Shining cried in exasperation.
"Well, the answer is NO, obviously! Twilight wouldn't just kill me, she'd castrate me first!" I shouted.
"What are you two arguing about now?" Twilight asked, exasperated as she trotted into the room. "And castrate you for what?"
Shining and I stared at one another. We stared back at Twilight.
"... Nothing!" We both said quickly.
"Really?" Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow. "Doesn't sound like nothing..."
"Totally nothing," I insisted.
"Absolutely nothing," Shining said.
"Shiny, you know I hate it when you lie to me!" Twilight said, stomping her hoof on the floor. She glared at Andrew. "And you too!"
"Well you don't know every single time I lie to you," I said. I smacked my forehead as I realized how stupid that was. "Oh boy..."
"What do you mean, I don't know when you lie to me?" Twilight growled, her eyes flaring with inner fire. Shining coughed, and bravely backed away out of the line of fire. Foolishly I gulped and thought up a way to appease my beautiful marefriend.
I was saved thanks to Princess Cadence, who trotted into the room with a cheerful smile.
"Shiny, did you extend the offer to Andrew?" She asked. Shining sweated.
"Er... Well... Um..."
"What offer?!" Demanded Twilight. Cadence beamed.
"Oh, to invite Andrew into our bed to allow us to see how to enjoy human form, of course!" The Princess of Love said cheerfully. Twilight's jaw just dropped. I covered my face and I was fairly sure Shining was doing the same.
"You're free to join us if you'd like, Twilight. You, Fluttershy, the rest of your harem," she said. "Oh my, all this talk has got me excited! Shiny, come to bed~," she purred.
"Yes dear," Shining said, quickly galloping out of the room with a giggling Cadence thrown onto his back. Twilight and I were left to awkwardly stare anywhere but directly at one another.
"... Was she always that... Um...?"
"She was my foalsitter," Twilight growled, before she stormed off muttering obscenities. I sighed and rubbed my temples.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - -
The manticore of Equestria is fairly different from the manticore of Earth legends, though if that could be due to distortion over time due to descriptions of the beast being passed down orally or what I cannot say. In the case of the Equestrian manticore, it does not have strictly human features as in a human head. Rather, it is more like a lion above all else, though of a size greater than even prehistoric lions in the Pleistocene. The scientific name escapes me and the Equestrian human archives are very difficult to sort through for something specific, so I'll leave it to whichever human reads this journal to sort it out.
... If ever. I mean, I haven't described it a lot, I suppose. The fear of never getting home. If Earth is even still livable. I mean, in Independence Day, that mothership has a mass one fourth that of our moon and it can travel between the stars. And they blew it up right in low Earth orbit! I don't care what bullshit you try to justify it with: Unless the alien mothership had a hyperdrive or something that sucked in most of it's mass the Earth is screwed.
And my own people in real life had blown up a giant antimatter or magic or whatever powered mothership in a similar situation. Granted, my people tended to be smarter than their Hollywood counterparts (tended to be, insert your own political grievances here), and granted, I don't think the Changeling mothership was anywhere near that big but the fear remains that in our victory, we destroyed ourselves.
Making me the last of my kind. The Last Human. Hell, I just need the funny talking dog and bear hat and I'd be Finn. Well not Finn. Or Kamandi, the Last Boy... No, damnit, I'm still too old to be him. Why are all the post-apocalyptic adventure tales with more than a bit of whimsy focused on young boys?
I'm off topic again... Actually, I've been off topic since I started this with the manticore thing. But since I'm at this place, I guess I'll continue with the more emotional thought.
If I am the last human being, then that means... Well, I'm the last. Humanity ends with me. Sure, Twilight could turn herself into a human, and/or Fluttershy and we could reproduce but that's still a very, very tiny population. And would they still be human if they just had the form and DNA? What about our culture? What about our values?
I mean, if we end then it feels like... Like everything we've ever done was for nothing. Jesus, Buddha, Socrates, Plato, Sun Tzu, Boudica, Charlemagne, Leonardo da Vinci, Shakespeare, Bach, Mozart, Charles Dickens, Mary Shelley, Sitting Bull, Gilbert and Sullivan, Nikola Tesla, Tchaikovsky, Teddy Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, Akira Kurosawa, Martin Luther King Jr., Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin, Pope John Paul II, freaking Joss Whedon and Robert Downy Jr! So many names, so much history, so many deeds both great and small... And it's all gone.
Just collected mementos of a dead race in the dusty archives of Equestria.
So maybe it was this that led me here, into the desert, with Princess Celestia. Seeking out a beeping, unknown icon on a map projected on the inside of my busted up, ancient Human powered armor.
As it turns out, the area where the Ancient Human location was looked like... Every other part of the desolate, arid desert. A boulder strewn field with a few rock formations and a lot of scrub brush.
I saw what looked like an arrowhead, and immediately bent down to pick it up, hope pounding in my ears... And then disappointment. I sighed heavily, as Celestia looked at me curiously.
"What is it?" She asked.
"This? This is what archaeologists call an AFR," I stated.
"AFR?"
I tossed the rock over my shoulder. "Another. Fucking. Rock," I replied. I coughed, feeling blood rush into my cheeks. "Ah, sorry for my language-"
"No, no, there is no need to stand on ceremony in front of me," Celestia soothed, setting a comforting hoof on my shoulder. "If it's another fucking rock, it's another fucking rock."
Somehow, hearing the Princess say that made me snicker in mild disbelief. That did make me feel better, and by her smile it was clearly the intent. Still, the empty desert remained.
"Thanks," I said. I let out another, long sigh. "Ugh... For all we know, I'm picking up a left over transformer or switch board," I explained in dejection.
"I am sorry, Shepherd," Celestia said. "The Ancient Humans did have incredible cities. But the magics that were used in their destruction, well... They don't leave many traces."
"I guess that is what would be needed to remove all the traces of a city occupied for thousands of years," I admitted. "Still... It is damn irritating.”
I kicked another fucking rock, sending it skittering away...
And it bounced off the air. No, literally, it hit the air, and then bounced back, skipping along the ground past myself and the Princess. We stared in disbelief. Celestia smiled.
"What is a transformer, if you don't mind me asking?" She asked. "Is it a giant invisible wall?"
"Not usually, but it just might be here," I admitted, hope again pounding in my ears.
- - -
The invisible wall was one of four, joined into a trapezoidal shape about ten meters long on each side, and three meters tall. It was smooth-Smoother than anything I'd ever touched before, which explained how the sand and dust hadn't built up on it enough to give it away. Other than these details though, the object wasn't giving away any secrets. I looked over at the Princess, who was studying the invisible object very carefully.
"So, what can you tell me about it?" I asked. Celestia hummed again.
"I can feel my magical energy being absorbed into it, in a few spots," she said. "If I recall correctly, ancient human magic sensors did this."
"So, there's technology to actually sense magic?" I asked, my wonder making me sound like an excited ten year old boy. Celestia nodded.
"Oh yes! Humans could use magic, but they didn't rely on feel as much. There were few true wizards among them. Most used devices to analyze and control their magic," she explained. I rubbed my chin, the sensation very numb thanks to the armor.
"So... It can see us then," I said. "Why isn't it doing anything?"
"My guess is that this is a passive defense system," Celestia explained. "At the time this was last used, King Sombra was making war on humanity."
"So it hides as long as any ponies are around?" I concluded, and the princess nodded with a smile.
"Indeed. Which means the obvious solution..." Her horn glowed, and a blinding flash of light filled my vision. The suit's sensors compensated, turning down the brightness through some kind of filter. Which meant I was soon gawping with wide eyes at the smiling female form before me.
"Amazonian" was probably the best descriptor for the tall, graceful, curvy woman before me: With pale white skin perfectly complimented by her flowing aurora-like hair. The fact the garments she'd magicked up were white cloth in a Grecian style that left very little to the imagination was another big point. The only other cue she wasn't human was the long unicorn horn pointing out of her forehead, and the large wings now tucked behind her. She was, in every sense of the word, an angel.
"It's been a while since I used human form," she admitted. She looked a bit concerned. "Does it look okay?"
I had to take a moment to take a deep breath and remind myself I was involved with two wonderful, beautiful mares and this was the Princess of Equestria. Even if she looked like what Wonder Woman would actually be in real life and was dressed like a Marvel fanboy's wet dream.
"It looks... Just fine," I managed. Celestia smiled, and I felt like a teenaged boy with a beautiful teacher in homeroom and "Hot for Teacher" just started playing out of someone's phone.
"I'm glad," she said. She turned again to the invisible construct, and I followed my lead, keeping my eyes on the nothing and not on her. An icon beeped on my HUD, and I frowned.
"I'm getting a message," I said. "I think it says... 'Open Says Me?'"
The ground shook slightly, before a door began to slide open in mid-air. Below us, a set of stairs formed out of the sand, coalescing into neat, perfectly smooth steps. Only darkness beckoned beyond. I glanced over at the princess, meeting her eyes. She raised an elegant eyebrow.
"After you?" She said, gesturing. I nodded, and slowly walked down the stairs, the armor's muted footsteps becoming hard, metallic slaps as I entered. Celestia followed, her sandal clad feet barely making any sound at all.
The door slid shut behind us, and we both spun around in shock. Then, electric lights came on, casting the darkness back in favor of gunmetal gray walls, electric wiring... And a computer console. I turned back to it, and walked towards the console. Celestia briefly examined the door before she followed, though she was looking around more cautiously.
"The door does not appear to be locked," she said. I nodded as I stood in front of the console.
"Probably just an automatic closing system," I said. I frowned at the console. Celestia hovered over me, looking over my shoulder.
A QWERTY-style keyboard was illuminated on the flat glass, and above it was a screen of similarly projected lines. Endless lines of a constantly updating code, but none of the familiar sounds of fans or electronic hums as with a regular computer. I reached down and tapped the enter key.
"What is it? A computer interface?" Celestia asked. I nodded as the code changed, and presented... A primer of sorts. Several possible commands to enter, and what they would do. I raised my eyebrows, and inputted one.
Run operational diagnostic
Several lines of code and numbers appeared, before an answer followed:
Primary server operational, transition system operational, main program "ARK-WILLIAMS-1.23" operational
I entered another command, to get runtime data. I whistled at the massive number that resulted, as well as the technical specs.
"That's... A lot of operations," I said. "And this thing's a lot faster than any computer I've ever heard of on Earth."
"More than likely what would be required to handle magic," Celestia said with a nod. She frowned and pointed at the primer again. "What's this command?"
"Transition to new format?" I read aloud. I shook my head. "I'm not a computer expert, mind you, but that's a new one on me." I glanced at her. "Familiar with computer programming, Princess?"
Celestia allowed herself a graceful flush. It just made her even more beautiful and-No! Bad brain! Stop that!
"Well, computer programming and spell casting are actually not that dissimilar," Celestia said. "In both cases you need to instruct the spell-or program-what to do, and how to do it. And different spells have different operational requirements."
"That makes sense," I said with a nod. "And it's a lot briefer than how Twilight explained it."
Celestia chuckled, and patted me on the shoulder. "I was much like her, once upon a time," she explained. "It takes practice to speak to all sorts of beings. I do hope you don't hold that against her?"
I shook my head rapidly. "Of course not! I love her passion about stuff... I just wish she'd learn how to dumb it down faster. You know, for people like me," I said. I sighed and tried a few more commands. "I wish she was here right now, actually. She could tell me if this thing was more than just a server access point. With my luck, it's probably the last of Ancient Humanity's porn archives."
"Porn?" Celestia asked, curious. "What is porn?"
I choked and I pulled my hands back. "Wh-what?!" I croaked. She looked completely innocent and naive, and I felt the blood rush into my cheeks. I opened my mouth again.
"Uh... W-Well... Um... It's short for... For..."
Her lip twitched. My heart started beating again, and I glared as the princess beamed impishly at me.
"No, no, please do go on," Celestia said with a grin. I rolled my eyes and went back to the screen. She rested her chin on my shoulder. "Oh come now, you must admit-That was funny!"
"If it happened to someone else, yes," I muttered. She pouted adorably.
"Oh come now. The list of beings I can be this relaxed with is very short, indeed. I'm told being part of my inner circle is very prestigious!"
"By ponies who don't know what your inner circle actually is," I sighed. She nuzzled me, and I flushed again behind the armor.
"Exactly," she said. I glanced back at the screen. The commands I'd input hadn't given me anything more useful than when I had begun. I let out a long sigh.
"Maybe we should call it a day, and get some experts in here," I said. Celestia hummed.
"You are the only one who can operate the keyboard," she pointed out. "Why don't we try all the commands and look around some more first?"
"You don't get many vacation days, do you?" I asked. Celestia smiled, a sight both heartbreaking and uplifting all in the same way. I could see the years in her eyes, the lonely tiredness behind those beautiful pools.
"No. No, I do not," she said. I slowly nodded, and turned back to the screen.
"We can stay as long as you like then," I said. I inputted the Transition command. It asked for a destination. Since the only program running was the Ark program, I typed in that. "Though I don't know how interesting poking around a server room is going to-"
Everything turned white, and it was as though I could see an endless series of ones and zeros and lines of reality. Everything was stretched, out to eternity-!
And all of a sudden, the room we were standing in was black and smooth, with glowing white lines running across the corners and surfaces. I jumped back in shock, Celestia following me as we crashed onto the floor.
"OOF!" I muttered, out of reflex rather than pain. Celestia was on top of me, her hair frazzled but still flowing like it was in an ever present breeze. She blinked very slowly, her face confused.
"... I can't sense the sun anymore," she said, in a slow, forced calm voice. "I can't sense... Anything of Equus anymore..."
My eyes widened. "Oh crap," I muttered. I slowly got up, and she stood with me. No sense of fun or joviality was in her stance: She was all business now. I followed suit, and turned to the door. It slid open as we approached, and we stepped out... Into an entirely different world. I looked up at the skyline, my jaw dropping as my heart seemed to stop.
The sky was dark, save for a single, plain faced moon that beamed down through strange, blocky-looking clouds. And where once was desert was a gigantic glowing city, beaming with neon lights of every color imaginable against dark, black buildings reaching for the sky. The desert around us was smooth, with glowing grid lines extending out across dark blocky terrain as far as the eye could see.
A bright light shone down upon us, as the roar of engines filled the air. I looked up, the helmet filtering out the light... To reveal a gigantic, eight legged construct, like a great blocky spider, hovering above us. It was lit by glowing red neon lines, as were its crew: Humans in tight fitting outfits, body armor, and carrying guns. Around us, similarly dressed, pegasi flew around, their weapons pointed at us.
"ROGUE PROGRAMS. DO NOT RESIST OR YOU WILL BE DELETED," a loud booming voice echoed at us from the external speakers. I sucked in a deep breath.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - -
This couldn't be real. This couldn't be happening.
The fact of the matter is though, that these thoughts felt like mere reflex after literally everything else I'd been through. The universe had changed and denial wasn't going to help. Not with the high powered weapons pointed at us by humans and ponies. Princess Celestia immediately settled into her diplomatic mode: A soft gentle smile on her lips, her hands up and appeasing, her stance firm but not aggressive.
"I feel there's been a mistake," she said, loudly and clearly. "We are new here and we are unaware of what you mean-"
"SURRENDER OR BE DELETED ROGUE PROGRAMS," the ominous voice bellowed again, rattling in my ears. Celestia was unmoved, but me: I saw there was tension in the people and ponies. A tension that was this close to breaking. I cleared my throat, and stepped forward, arms held up. The guns were now pointed at me, instead of the Princess.
This was a crazy idea. But this was a crazy place, so maybe it would work. It was worth a shot, right?
"We're not programs!" I shouted. "We're Users! WE'RE USERS! I can prove it!"
Celestia stared at me, but didn't do anything else. There was nothing but the sound of the transport's engines burning above us. The vehicle slowly descended, long eight legs expanding out to land on the ground. It lowered its body, before another section descended. Four humanoids in black armor, orange lines glowing to define their lines, walked out like stiff legged robots. One advanced, a long glowing spear pointed at us. Her form was feminine, even through the bulky armor.
"Prove it," she said, her face hidden by shadow. I gulped, and focused.
"Open helmet," I stated. The armor peeled away, revealing my face. I looked at my gauntlet, and awkwardly held it up against my cheek. I pulled down, and winced as I cut my cheek with the sharp edge. I reached up, gathered some blood on my fingers, and held out my hand for the guard's inspection. She reached out and took hold of my hand. She got some blood on her own fingers, and lifted them close to her visor. She examined the red blood carefully.
"... Come with us," she stated.
"Can I ask where?" I asked. An intimidating silence followed. Celestia touched my arm.
"I believe we'll learn that when we get there," she said softly. She nodded to the guards, and they parted for us. We walked onto the moving platform, which retracted into the belly of the ship. Inside it was all orange light and projected controls and interfaces on glass. An Earth pony worked at the controls ahead of us, his hooves on glowing circular interfaces. The ship rumbled slightly, and the vessel rose up. Through the glass screens, we could see the pegasi continuing to orbit us as the vessel took off and began flying towards the urban areas.
"How did you know that would work?" Celestia asked softly. I shook my head.
"It was a gamble... But it paid off," I said. "Whoever built this knew about pop culture in my time, a movie called TRON."
Celestia nodded thoughtfully as she studied the view.
"And yet the city," she said, gesturing out the window to the expanding urban landscape ahead of us. It was immense, with hundreds of spires, skyscrapers, and domed buildings of every design and shape filling out a massive glowing skyline. I frowned.
"What about it?" I asked.
"It looks like an exact copy of Metropolis, the last great human city," Celestia whispered. "I only visited it once, but it stuck with me. That and I have a nearly photographic memory."
"Nearly?" I asked. Celestia smiled gently.
"There's a lot to forget when you're as old as I am," she admitted. "It looks like it hasn't changed at all... Aside from being inside a computer."
"Any idea who made all this?" I asked, as we flew through the air towards the tallest tower in the city. It was immense, rising from the center of the Metropolis like the tower of Babel climbing for heaven. We went up, higher and higher, to the very top of the massive edifice. The spider-ship docked, the legs locking into docking ports on a massive platform. The platform inside the ship itself descended, and it settled onto the smooth clear surface of the dock. I started as sounds I hadn't heard in what felt like years assaulted my ears: The sounds of traffic and thousands of footsteps and electronic whines, alarms and beeps. All faint, but there: The urban background noise.
It had been so long since I heard it, I felt myself becoming lost in the familiarity.
Celestia gently nudged me with her elbow, and I looked ahead. The guards were gesturing us forward. We walked out, all four armored humanoids flanking us like an honor guard. Ahead, a pair of gigantic, white glowing doors parted in sequence: Several inner doors, and a gigantic massive outer door. A yellow glowing figure walked with confidence, a long cloak waving behind her. And yes, she was definitely a her: The black bodysuit she wore clung to every inch of her like a second skin. She had a perfect hourglass figure, but any other details were hidden by the black bodysuit, the glowing cloak, and the completely enclosed and black helmet encasing her head. Her collar glowed more faintly, giving her the effect of a halo. On either side, keeping up with her strides, walked two more armored guards. Trailing behind her was a light blue Earth pony with a dark pink hair in pigtails. She was dressed in a similar black bodysuit with glowing lines outlining her form, and a holographic interface of some kind projected in front of her face. The pony looked as impassive as the humans, despite not having a mask.
Our guards stopped, and we followed suit. Above us, pegasi orbited like vengeful angels.
The mysterious woman and her entourage kept walking, until stopping just a few steps away. She stared intently at us through the helmet as the silence wore on. The tension mounted, before at last she spoke.
"... Who are you?" She demanded in an electronically distorted voice, harsh and menacing. Celestia cleared her throat in a gentle, elegant manner, and put on her most motherly face.
"I am Princess Celestia. This is Sir Andrew Shepherd, my knight," she said. "We come in peace."
"And you are human?" The woman asked, still harsh. I stepped forward, and nodded.
"Yes," I said. "The only ones in Equestria that we know of."
It was a fib, yes, but these guys might not take kindly to shapeshifting. Best to keep things simple. Besides, technically it wasn't a lie...
The figure was silent for a bit longer. Then, the tension left her shoulders as she relaxed.
The figure's helmet... Retracted, sliding away into nothing. A full head of curly, shining blonde hair fell to her shoulders. Her face was pale, making her freckled apple red cheeks all the more noticeable. Her eyes were a radiant blue, and her lips were thin like a cupid's bow. She stared at us in disbelief, tears bubbling at the corners of her eyes. She then smiled, the broadest, most honest smile I'd ever seen on another human being. I have to admit, tears came to my eyes too at the sheer emotion in her face.
Her guards were impassive, though the Earth pony looked just a bit shocked.
The woman strode forward, and jumped up to wrap her arms around my neck. She was shorter than me by almost a head, so I had to bend down just a bit to complete the tight hug. It was surprising, but the desperate hope in her face forced me to.
It was an expression I'd seen in the mirror far too many times before.
"I'm Molly Williams," she sobbed happily, "Welcome... Welcome home!"
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - -
The eager, happy ruler of the digital space had led us off to a smaller chamber in the top floor of the tower-Though small was relative. The ceilings were high, and the pattern of lines running up them seemed to make them go on forever into the darkness above. There were several couches and chairs, all dark in color and all looking very comfortable. When Celestia, Molly, the Earth pony and I entered the room, she turned back and waved her hand. The large doors slid shut, the guards taking up positions on either side of the entrance. Molly turned back to us, beaming so hard it was like her face might split. The Earth Pony was still dutifully studying her holograms, something Celestia was paying a great deal of attention to.
"My dear... Are there no other humans or ponies in here with you?" Celestia asked. Molly shook her head, again closing the distance between us. She reached up to touch my cheek, and I smiled back at her.
"No... It's just me. All of these... Well, they're programs," she said. "Just recreations." She pointed back to the Earth Pony. "Bow Tie here is my sub-admin. I based her off a pony I knew in the... In the old Metropolis." She shook her head, and tapped my chest plate. In a moment, the armor I'd been wearing seemed to shrink and fold away, letting me go until it was nothing more than a solid disk in her hand. Molly hummed and examined the armor.
"This is Mollossus armor. Very old-From just before the fall of the city," she said. She looked up at me curiously. "How did you find it?"
"An archaeological expedition to the Badlands," Celestia explained, pushing in closer. Molly turned her attention to her, and again, violated her personal space. She pressed a hand against Celestia's chest. The solar diarch actually blushed, raising an eyebrow but her gentle smile remained the same. Molly looked up at her, in awe.
"Then... There's still a human kingdom out there?" She asked. Celestia took a deep breath... Which naturally got my eyes locked onto her chest. I looked away, blushing.
"I'm afraid that the human kingdom is long gone," she said gently, reaching up to grasp Molly's hand. The blonde blinked, her smile a bit brittle.
"Gone...? But you said-"
"She's the Princess of the sun, of... Equestria," I explained quickly. "She took this form to help me investigate. We didn't know what this place was... We wanted to know-"
"Oh. So... So Equestria survived," Molly said, her smile a bit disconnected. "That's good." She shook her head. "Hang on." Her fingers lit up, glowing bright like miniature suns. And beams shot out of them, all over my body! I yelped.
"ACK! Hey, what are you-?!"
The beams ceased... And my clothing fell apart into nothing but a pile of scraps. I covered my crotch, my cheeks bright red.
"HEY! They HAD zippers-!"
She gripped my shoulder and spun me around like a female action movie hero: Manhandling a 200 pound man like it was nothing. She then held out her hand, and Bow Tie produced a round, black ring. She then pressed it up against my back, and turned it 180 degrees. I felt an electric surge jump through my body, and I stood up straight.
"GAH!"
"Oh my," Celestia laughed softly. "So forward."
"Just examining things," Molly explained. "As a fellow monarch, you understand investment in the future." She smiled rather lewdly, and slapped my bottom. I yelped again, and jumped. The disc stuck to my back, like it was part of me. Then, a black skintight material spread from the disc, forming a light armor top and jumpsuit, as well as boots and gloves. Glowing lines appeared all over my body, and my eyes seemed to surge. Molly then pulled the disc off my back with a click, and I turned around. Molly held the disc up, and her eyes glowed. The edge of the disc glowed as well, and spun like a CD in the player. She then held her hand over the disc, and a holographic image of several numbers and wave graphs flashed before us. Molly's smile turned into an all out grin.
"Of course!" She said happily. "You're not from here at all! You were displaced from Earth-my Earth-by chaos magic!"
My jaw dropped, as did Celestia's. Molly held the disc out to me, pride in her eyes and smile.
"This is an identity disc. It scanned your memories and your physiology, as well as your quantum wave signature. You're from my Earth!" She looked over at Celestia. "Was Discord released recently?"
"I-Yes," Celestia admitted. "You could tell that? My own examination of him hinted at a connection, but nothing firm-"
Molly waved her hand gently, like the solar diarch was just a bit slow. "It's all right. I've had thousands upon thousands of cycles to refine this technology."
"Hey, when you say my memories," I began, Molly patted me on the chest in that same, way too familiar way.
"Just a general outline, nothing too deep. Just enough to get a sense of you. After all, I can't be too careful with shapeshifters around," she said, glancing over at Celestia pointedly. The sun princess smiled, and nodded kindly.
"Touche," she replied. She looked rather impressed. "Lady Molly-"
"Just Molly, please," Molly said, still intent on my disc. Celestia nodded.
"It is astonishing you have survived on your own all this time here," she said. "Your magic and technology are very impressive. As Princess of Equestria, I would like to formally open diplomatic relations. At one time, your people were developing gating technology to go back to Earth-Do you think you could repair that technology? The Earth has suffered greatly, and could use your help."
Molly hummed, several diagrams of DNA flashing before her. She blinked, and then nodded.
"What? Oh, of course! You see, it's been so long since I saw anyone... Anyone real, I'm-I'm not sure where to begin!" Molly giggled. She beamed up at me. "You've survived so much... And been through so much... But it's okay. Everything's fine now." She squeezed my hands, and then handed over my disc. I took it, feeling a little creeped out. It was bad enough Chrysalis could poke through my emotions, but someone just scanning my brain was more than a little disturbing.
Then again, being isolated in a simulation for a thousand years would probably degrade my social skills a little. Molly beamed at me.
"It can be used as a weapon, too. Just squeeze it," she said. I squeezed the disc, and the edges lit up, burning white hot. It even hummed, almost like...
"Is that the Lightsaber sound effect?" I asked. Molly squealed happily.
"YES! It is! Oh my God, you have no idea how long-Hey, what year are you from, anyway?"
"2012 or so," I said. "And you?"
"1986," she said. She tilted her head. "So, people are still fans of Star Wars in the... Future? Past?"
"Definitely," I said. "Even after the prequels, but that's a long story."
Molly took my hand and squeezed it. She was lit up like the sun. "I look forward to hearing it," she said. "Maybe we can-"
"Admin," Bow Tie interrupted, getting a sour expression from Molly, "tonight's games need attending to."
"Can't you handle it?" Molly asked in annoyance. Bow Tie shook her head.
"It is a matter requiring Administrative Clearance Level Zero," she said. Molly sighed, pouting a bit. She beamed up at me.
"Well, I have to go. Feel free to relax, the dispenser can give you anything you like," she said, pointing to a replicator-like alcove. "And tonight, we have the Games to look forward to!"
"Er, games?" I asked, a bit wary. It had been a while since I'd seen the movie, but... "These aren't gladiatorial duels to the death, are they?"
"Please," Molly huffed, "nothing so barbaric. Besides, there's no better way to celebrate meeting another human and making contact with the outside world than a big event!" She beamed at me, and then touched my disc. "Attach it to your back!"
I obeyed, sliding the disc back between my shoulder blades. In an instant, I gained a long jacket, glowing bright yellow. The same colors as her markings.
"That's much better," Molly said. "Don't worry, I'll be back." She nodded to Celestia, and the solar diarch nodded back. Molly turned and strode out, Bow Tie lingering only a moment before she turned and trotted after her. The doors slid shut. I looked over at Celestia.
"So... She's, uh-"
"Very taken with you," Celestia observed. Her amused air vanished, replaced by concern. "Too taken."
"Well, I mean," I said, "she's been alone for so long. It's only natural..." I shook my head. "I'm not going to do anything with her, if that's what you're thinking!"
"She may not take that well," Celestia pointed out, raising an elegant eyebrow. I nodded.
"I know. Good thing I have an expert diplomat with me," I said, smiling at her. Celestia smiled back.
"True." She hesitated. "There was something else."
"Hm? What?" I asked. The princess hummed.
"My magical senses have been thrown off in this place," she explained, "but that pony... Those other ponies? I sensed something. Something that can't be mistaken for anything else. But it's supposed to be impossible, for mindless drones."
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - This section was written by Bankrupt Samurai. But I had to include it because it was too good. - - -
Andrew and the Mane Six, minus Rainbow Dash and Pinkie who were busy planning a summer storm party, were waiting for Shining Armor to arrive as Cadence joined them, when the Cutie Mark Crusaders made their own appearance on the opposite side of the sim.
Seeing a chance to have a little fun, Discord snapped his fingers and appeared in front of the three fillies, making the sim opaque on their side. “Come to see who you’ll be dating when you get older?” he teased.
“I already know who I’ll be dating,” Sweetie Belle replied.
“Really, who?” Discord asked curiously.
“Spike,” she replied, much to the shock of everyone who wasn’t a member of her family or the CMC.
“How is that going to work out?” Discord asked.
“Part of the reason Spike has a crush on my sister is he knows she’ll treat his heart with care and forgive him for any mistakes he makes while he’s trying to learn to be a good colt friend,” Sweetie Belle explained. “By the time he’s grown out of his crush, I’ll be ready to date and can snap him up, already trained!”
“That’s a good plan,” Discord admitted. “And you?” he asked Scootaloo.
“Not interested right now,” Scootaloo replied. “Probably join one of my friends.”
“And you, Apple Bloom?” Discord asked, seeing a chance to rag on Andrew a little. “Looking for a pony like a certain human perhaps?”
“Celestia, no!” Apple Bloom snapped back red faced.
“And here I though you liked him,” Discord said, surprised at her response.
“I love him,” Apple Bloom said easily.
Eyebrows were raised by the watchers on the other side of the sim.
“I’m missing something here,” Discord admitted.
Apple Bloom laughed. “You know I got no parents, right?”
“Just a granny and an older brother and sister,” he agreed.
“Well AJ is more than just a big sister to me,” the filly explained. “Whenever I needed a mom, AJ stepped up. Heck, she’s done such a good job I had to check my birth certificate to make sure I wasn’t an unexpected surprise after some after school hijinks, ya know?”
“That does happen on occasion,” Discord admitted.
“So I ain’t ever had to wonder what it was like to have a mom,” Apple Bloom said. “But I always wondered what having a father would be like.”
“Big Mac didn’t ever step up?” Discord asked.
Apple Bloom laughed. “I love Big Mac to death, but he’s never tried to be anything but my big brother, which is something he’s real good at. If you ask him he’ll tell you he’s not father material, yet. He’s got some growing to do still.”
“And what does all this have to do with Andrew,” Discord asked, shaking off the image of a Big Mac the size of Godzilla, climbing one of the towers of Canterlot castle with Luna in one hoof.
“Andrew encourages us when we try something new, he does his best to protect us when something goes wrong, and if asked will kiss boo-boo’s while putting bandages on any bumps or bruises we have. If we get out of hoof he reigns us in and when we succeed he tells us he’s proud of us,” Apple Bloom said with a light smile. “I no longer wonder what it’s like to have a father.”
“Enough of the mushy stuff,” Scootaloo groaned. “Have you seen Rainbow Dash anywhere?”
“She’s over at Pinkies planning a pegasus party,” Discord told her.
“Good! Let’s go!” Scootaloo said as the three galloped off.
Apple Jack had her ever-present cowboy hat pulled down over her eyes as she asked Twilight and Fluttershy in a strangely formal voice, “May I borrow Andrew for a minute?”
“Go right ahead,” Fluttershy said, placing a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder to still any questions she might have asked.
Apple Jack hugged Andrew tightly. “Thank you,” she whispered with tears in her voice.
“Anytime,” he promised returning the hug.
Apple Jack took off her hat and turned it sideways to hide their faces as she kissed him until he passed out from lack of oxygen. Putting her hat back on, eyes still watery, but with a smile that lit up her face, she turned to Andrew’s two mare friends. “Thank you!”
“Anytime,” Fluttershy promised, proud of Andrew and thinking what a great father he was going to be.
Shining Armor finally arrived carrying the popcorn and soda for everyone. “What happened to monkey boy?”
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - In the future... - - -
I was out for a jog with Dawn galloping alongside me in pony form, rounding the outskirts of Apple Acres Farm. My dad had taken me and my little brother jogging a lot when we were little, as a way of exercise and to see the world around the neighborhood and just to have fun and bond. And I was happy to repeat the tradition with Dawn, just a man and his wonderful daughter.
A wonderful centaur daughter I'd had with an alicorn princess, who was as cute as could be! Though she did have trouble going down stairs sometimes.
"Haa... Haa... Daddy! Can we stop?" She panted. I slowed down, and we came to a stop by a tree stump on the side of the road. Dawn immediately leaned against the stump, catching her breath as I did the same.
"Geez... Two legs... You can still outrun me!" She whined. I laughed a bit and knelt down to ruffle her mane. She made a face.
"That's just because I'm bigger than you," I said with a smile. "When you get old enough you'll get wings and then I'll never be able to catch up to you!"
"Ha!" She said happily with a big smile. "I'll just carry you!"
I laughed. "I'd appreciate that a lot, Dawn..." I froze as my senses, honed from years of paranoia, alerted me to something approaching. My hand slid to my revolver, hidden under my jogging shirt as I turned around.
"Er, ahem... Mister Shepherd? Sir?"
I lowered my hand with a sigh when I saw a few teenaged colts trotting up to us.
"Hey guys," I greeted cordially, "what can I do for you?"
"Er..." They looked at one another uneasily. The one in the back, a pegasus, nudged forward a pinto colt. Pipsqueak, I think his name was. He cleared his throat.
"Er, sir, we were hopin' to get yer permission," he began in what was practically a Cockney accent. I raised my eyebrow.
"My permission? For what?"
"For dating... Er... Askin' out the Cutie Mark Crusaders, sir," Pipsqueak said nervously. I smiled at them pleasantly enough, though because I was still a bit winded I opened my mouth wider than usual.
"Why would you want to ask me about that?"
"Errrr..." The colts muttered. Dawn nudged me with her hand. I looked down at her, and she pointed behind us. I looked over my shoulder and sighed.
"Excuse me," I said, getting up and striding over to the trees nearby. I scowled at the suspicious shadow lurking just beyond them...
"Oh come on!" I shouted. "Really Chewie, you're better than this!"
My Manticore emerged, snuffling and growling. I shook my head.
"My daughter saw you coming," I said.
Chewie growled.
"Of course I knew you were lurking around," I said flatly. "But when my daughter can pick you up so easily you've really slipped!"
Dawn huffed. I rubbed the top of her head, ruffling her hair, and she smiled up at me again. I then glared at Chewy, who growled again.
"I know, I know, you're bored," I said. I sighed and rubbed my face. "Look, I can't play with you right now-"
Chewie roared. Dawn immediately hid behind me... As did the teenagers. I rolled my eyes at the display.
"Stop being such a baby! What would your mate and pups think if they saw you, trying to intimidate me, huh?" I asked. Chewie growled, considered... And warbled a suggestion. I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck.
"Fine, I'll check my schedule and see what I can do..."
A snuffle.
"Yes, yes, the Canyon of Doom, sure," I said boredly. "I'll bring my shotgun."
Chewie growled.
"Fine! And the new portable gatling gun," I said, raising my hands up. "There. Is your pride satisfied?"
Chewie grunted, and then nodded. I smiled back.
"Good. Because you're taking Dawn for rides right after."
"H-He is?" Dawn asked, trembling. I kneeled down and rubbed my daughter's back to relax her.
"Trust me, it's a lot of fun," I said. "I do it all the time, and I'll be with you so nothing bad will happen."
"But... But what if monsters attack?" Dawn asked worriedly. I grinned at my daughter.
"You know what monsters are afraid of?" I asked. I grinned at Chewie. "Me."
Chewie growled in agreement, grinning right back with all of his sharp teeth. I stood up and waved.
"I'll see you then, Chewie," I said. Chewie growled back, and flew off back towards the Everfree Forest. I turned back to the teenaged colts.
"Now, what were you... Saying?" I asked. All of the colts were prostrate before me, trembling in fear.
"D-Don't hurt us!" Squeaked the pegasus in back.
"I-I have had impure thoughts about Sweetie Belle but only cause she's so cute!" Pipsqueaked squealed.
"Mommy!" Whimpered the last one.
"Oh for crying out loud," I muttered. "Okay! Fine! You can date them! Geez! Just take care of them and-OOF!"
The colts bowled me over and hugged me, all crying.
"Thank you! Thank you sir! They won't be harmed! Not on our watches!" They cried before they galloped off. Dawn watched them go, confused.
"Daddy...? What was that about?"
I shook my head and sighed as I got back up to my feet. "I have no idea," I admitted. "But teenagers can always be confusing."
She giggled. "I kind of think Pipsqueak is cute..."
"Oh? Do you now?" I asked with a little grin.
"Daddy!" Dawn squeaked, covering her face in embarrassment. "I-I don't mean-That is... Colts! Ew!"
"Good, good," I said, as my hand went back to my revolver... And very slowly lowered back to my side. Huh. Weird.
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - - I really shouldn't binge the MCU movies... Quite so often. Set during Season 9... With a twist. - - -
Well... I'd never intended to make a career out of doing the smart thing. I wouldn't have gone to school for anthropology, if that was the case.
This though... This had to top the list of the stupidest things I'd ever done. And that's... Quite an amazing list.
Okay, so... In short: A few villains had united together to overthrow Equestria with their own evil friendship. Cozy Glow, a psychopathic little pegasus mare who wanted to rule the world. Tirek, magic eating centaur asshole. King Sombra, dark unicorn fallen emperor who was dead but got brought back. Grogar, the actual Grogar, some kind of... Goat thing. Kind of the devil in the eyes of Ponykind. He seemed to have been Discord in disguise for something stupid... But turns out, it was the actual Grogar, returned.
He'd killed my manticore. Chewie, one of my best friends. So yeah, I agreed.
And worst of all... Eris. A conniving spirit of chaos from another universe, who was born stuck on 'bitch' and had kept going in that direction. She was the one who organized this shindig, seeking to move in on Discord's 'turf'. They'd used Grogar's Bell to steal the magic of... Pretty much everyone in Equestria. Except for me, being without magic.
And I had stupidly decided that, hey, maybe I could use time travel to stop this... Unfortunately, the closed time loop effect seemed to be... In effect, here. I couldn't make any actual changes. Mainly because I only had the closed timeloop spell. Not whatever the fuck Starlight Glimmer had used. Or maybe it was... I don't know, time travel is fucking confusing.
Sorry. Missing my best friend. Makes me cuss a lot more.
So... I'd had to improvise. And that meant getting close. Very close.
So... I had to get captured. While my friends were locked in Tartarus, and the land was under the rule of these monsters.
A large hoof slapped me across the face, and sent me face down into a puddle of my own teeth and blood on the grassy ground. Telekinesis yanked my hair and pulled me up, as I struggled uselessly against my bonds. And there was Eris, sitting pretty like a cat that got the biggest canary. Since she was a cat, this was fitting. The rest of her little villain cadre were lounging around a giant floating throne, as hundreds of ponies were forced to bow around us.
"Did you really think you could succeed? That's adorable," she cooed. "Sneaking into the library for a time spell... How cute. Didn't get very far, did you?"
I shrugged, and coughed. "No... Though ya know... Time and space are kind of the same thing, so maybe I did go a long way. Or maybe I just went how long it takes you to go down on the first guy who seems interested."
I got slammed into the grass again, and I groaned. I could hear some ponies cry out-Familiar voices. Eris yanked me back up into the air, as she sneered. King Sombra laughed.
"Spirited! Humans always are," he laughed. "But then, breaking them was always so much fun." His teeth glinted. "I certainly look forward to breaking you, little monkey..."
"Wait," I said. "Don't you want to know what I did?"
Eris raised an eyebrow. "I think I'd rather kill you and be done with it," she said. She lifted her claws up. I stared death in the face, calmly. I didn't know if I was close enough. I had to be sure though...
"No, please, don't," I deadpanned, as she pulled me closer. Her razor sharp claws glinted over me. Sombra pouted.
"But Eris! Please! I so want to torture him," Sombra whined.
"I'd love to torture him too, Mommy Eris!" Cozy cooed. "I wanna see how long he can last!"
"This is for that B-, isn't it?" I asked. Eris shook her head, and her claws rested against my throat.
"Humans are fun to torture... But this one has a hero complex," she said. "And if we let it get into his head for even an instant that he has a chance, he'll do something stupid."
"Actually," I said, pressing my fingers together, "I already did: Three thousand years ago."
The base of the bell exploded, sending out a loud gong! Eris cried out and tossed me away. I landed on the grass roughly, panting hard, as the colors from everything came back. The ponies around me gasped and cried out, their colors and magic restored. I sat up, as one unicorn ran up and used her magic to cut my bonds. I grinned at her and stood up. Eris was gaping in disbelief, cradling the wrecked remains of the bell in her claws. Grogar shot me a venomous, but impressed look.
"So," the great goat said, "you couldn't be satisfied with your failure... You used time travel to cheat."
"Go chew a can," I shot back. Eris grit her teeth, as she began to vibrate in rage. Cozy flew back, looking terrified.
"You... You hid a bomb in the bell... For three thousand years," she seethed. "Not a trace of magic-"
"Save the magic already on the thing," I grinned, panting hard even as the ponies around me panicked and galloped for safety. "The only thing that preserved that tiny bit of plastic explosives."
"I must admit," Eris said, crushing the ruined bell into splinters, "you're quite clever! Yes... Clever... But not clever enough." She raised her hand, and send a blast of energy at me. I threw myself to the side, but the blast cooked my side and slashed through my shirt.
"AUGH!"
I fell, panting hard, holding my side. I slowly got up onto my feet, feeling blood rushing out of me. I looked up. The villains were advancing, Eris grinning in savage glee.
"Rip him apart, I'll keep him alive," she hissed. "As long as it takes. Sombra! Your army, now."
Sombra grimaced, but his eyes glowed. Hundreds, thousands of pony shaped shadows appeared-The Umbras. Sombra's race of shadow ponies. Large ones of dark crystal, small ones resembling Heartless, and plenty of other nasty creatures. I didn't have any weapons. I didn't have a plan beyond this.
I took a deep breath. "As long as one being stands against you," I said, "you won't claim victory."
"I can live with that," Eris sneered. "But you won't."
"Fuck you too," I gasped back.
I know I'm very big on the dramatic speeches, but that? That was... All I could come up with. Well... I just didn't expect to live past this moment. Which I was fine with, on some level. If it gave everyone else a chance to live, to win... Whatever it takes.
One of the shadow ponies fired a crystal arrow right at me, and I shut my eyes... Only to hear it bounce off. I opened my eyes, and a pink shield was shining in front of me.
"On your left."
I looked over on my left... And wearing that smug ass Captain of the Guard grin of his was Shining Armor, with Cadence alongside. I grinned back.
"Still got those gay ass pink shields, I see," I said. "How'd you-?"
Portals opened everywhere around me, shutting me up. Each portal showing a different location, and each one disgorging beings.
From the Badlands, the Buffalo tribe emerged with Appleloosan settlers. The ponies were armed with Smokestack brand firearms, the buffalo with the same.
From the mountains came Kirin, already lighting up into flames. Autumn Blaze led them, shooting me a happy grin as she burned.
From Griffinstone, hundreds of Griffin warriors in steel armor flew in, led by Gallus in his own armor and the Griffin King, Gregarious.
From Yakyakistan, Prince Rutherford with hundreds of Yak warriors, all with murder in their eyes.
From the Dragon Lands, Dragon Lord Ember and dozens of huge, furious looking dragons.
From the swamplands, the Changelings led by their King Thorax. With a rather reticent, but happy Chrysalis-Her eyes brightened as she caught of me, and I returned the smile.
From the dataspace, Queen Megan and Molly and several other human programs, all glowing in their magitech armor.
And from Canterlot, Cloudsdale, and dozens of other Equestrian towns, hundreds of seriously pissed off Pegasus, Unicorn, Bat, Crystal and Earth Pony warriors in every kind of armor with every kind of weapon you could imagine. I recognized so many of them.
Doctor Hooves, with his sonic screwdriver ready to go, and Derpy at his side.
Tempest Shadow, formally a villainess herself and now, a Royal Guard with a broken horn but incredible magical power-And a warm smile for me.
The Ancient Pillars of Equestria: Stygian, Mistmane, Flash Magnus, Somnambula, Mage Meadowbrook, and Star Swirl the Bearded, all looking grim and ready to fight.
The Great and Powerful Trixie, who was already getting the fireworks ready with a grin at the villains, and a wink to me. Oh dear. That might be trouble.
Maude Pie, ready with several stones she could hurl like cannon shells.
The Wonderbolts, already flying point with the other Pegasus guards and other flying beings here.
Ironwill, the tall, imposing minotaur with a whole school of ponies in tow. He punched his fist into his palm, and snorted.
But my eyes were soon fixed on one portal-Out of this one came nine familiar figures: All alicorns. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were resplendent in ancient battle armor, while the other alicorns... Kind of weren't.
"ANDREW!" They shouted, and I managed to give each and every one of them hugs and kisses. After all, wouldn't you?
Twilight Sparkle. Applejack. Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash. Rarity. Fluttershy... Even Starlight Glimmer, though I pushed her over towards Sunburst, who had come up with the Crystal Empire Ponies. Luna and Celestia shared grins with me, and flew up to organize their troops. I was busy hugging and kissing, as said before.
"Andrew, enough!" Twilight said with a teary grin. "Are... Are you crying?"
"N-No," I muttered, "that's just... Liquid pride."
"That's not liquid pride," Shining muttered. I shook my head and turned back to the villains. And there was a deep, primal satisfaction in me as I beheld their fear and uncertainty.
Something that only grew as Spike, growing kaiju size, let out a roar that made the Earth shake underneath us. Yeah, we had Gozilla on our side-Motherfucking win.
"Well! Quite an impressive little army I managed to pull together, isn't it?" Discord asked, appearing in a flash. He snapped his fingers, and I was decked out in amazing battle armor, with a shield, and my trusty extending metal staff. "So, Sword of Equestria? Anything you want to say before the gigantic battle for the fate of the universe?"
I turned and grinned at him. "You know what I'm gonna say, don't you?" I asked. Discord shrugged.
"I figure, you've earned it," He said. I looked back at my marefriends. At my friends, at all these strange disparate creatures, all brought together in common cause. I looked back at our enemy. Even Eris, the normally unflappable chaos goddess, was looking hesitant. Good. I lifted up my staff, and raised my voice.
"FOR EQUESTRIA, AND ALL LIFE ON THIS WORLD, I TELL YOU ALL!" I pointed my staff right at our foes, as the crowds roared with me.
